[
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-Good-News,-Bad-News.html",
    "text": "GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David & Jerry Seinfeld\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nYou know, why we're here? To be out,\nthis is out...and out is one of the\nsingle most enjoyable experiences of\nlife. People...did you ever hear people\ntalking about \"We should go out\"? This\nis what they're talking about...this\nwhole thing, we're all out now, no one\nis home. Not one person here is home,\nwe're all out! There are people tryin'\nto find us, they don't know where we\nare. (imitates one of these people \"tryin'\nto find us\"; pretends his hand is a\nphone) \"Did you ring?, I can't find\nhim.\" (imitates other person on phone)\n\"Where did he go?\" (the first person\nagain) \"He didn't tell me where he was\ngoing\". He must have gone out. You wanna\ngo out: you get ready, you pick out\nthe clothes, right? You take the shower,\nyou get all ready, get the cash, get\nyour friends, the car, the spot, the\nreservation...There you're staring around,\nwhatta you do? You go: \"We gotta be\ngetting back\". Once you're out, you\nwanna get back! You wanna go to sleep,\nyou wanna get up, you wanna go out again\ntomorrow, right? Where ever you are\nin life, it's my feeling, you've gotta\ngo.\n\n(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)\n\nJERRY\nSeems to me, that button is in the worst\npossible spot. (talking about George's\nshirt) The second button literally makes\nor breaks the shirt, look at it: it's\ntoo high! It's in no-man's-land, you\nlook like you live with your mother.\n\nGEORGE\nAre you through? (kind of irritated)\n\nJERRY\nYou do of course try on, when you buy?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, it was purple, I liked it, I don't\nactually recall considering the buttons.\n\nJERRY\nOh, you don't recall?\n\nGEORGE\n(pretends he's talking into a microphone)\nUh, no, not at this time.\n\nJERRY\nWell, senator, I just like to know,\nwhat you knew and when you knew it.\n(a waitress approaches the table)\n\nWAITRESS\nMister Seinfeld. (she pours coffee in\nhis cup) Mister Costanza. (she wants\nto pour coffee, but George stops her)\n\nGEORGE\nAre, are you sure this is decaf? Where's\nthe orange indicator?\n\nWAITRESS\nIt's missing, I have to do it in my\nhead: decaf left, regular right, decaf\nleft, regular right...it's very challenging\nwork. (ironically)\n\nJERRY\nCan you relax, it's a cup of coffee,\nClaire is a professional waitress.\n\nWAITRESS\nTrust me George: no one has any interest\nin seeing you on caffeine. (she pours\nthe coffee and walks away)\n\nGEORGE\nHow come you're not doin' the second\nshow tomorrow?\n\nJERRY\nWell, there's this uh, woman might be\ncomin' in.\n\nGEORGE\nWait a second, wait a second, what coming\nin, what woman is coming in?\n\nJERRY\nI told you about Laura, the girl I met\nin Michigan?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, you didn't!\n\nJERRY\nI thought I told you about it, yes,\nshe teaches political science? I met\nher the night I did the show in Lansing...(looks\nin the milk can) There's no milk in\nhere, what...\n\nGEORGE\nWait wait wait, what is she, (takes\nthe milk can from Jerry and puts it\non the table) what is she like?\n\nJERRY\nOh, she's really great. I mean, she's\ngot like a real warmth about her and\nshe's really bright and really pretty\nand uh...the conversation though, I\nmean, it was...talking with her is like\ntalking with you, but, ya know, obviously\nmuch better.\n\nGEORGE\n(with a big smile) So, ya know, what,\nwhat happened?\n\nJERRY\nOh, nothing happened, ya know, but it\nwas great.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, nothing happened, but it was...\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nThis is great!\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, ya know, she calls and says she\nwants to go out with you tomorrow night?\nGod bless! Devil you!\n\nJERRY\nYeah, well...not exactly. I mean, she\nsaid, you know, she called this morning\nand said she had to come in for a seminar\nand maybe we'll get together.\n\nGEORGE\n(whistles disapproving) Ho ho ho, \"Had\nto\"? \"Had to come in\"?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, but...\n\nGEORGE\n\"Had to come in\" and \"maybe we'll get\ntogether\"? \"Had to\" and \"Maybe\"?\n\nJERRY\nYeah!\n\nGEORGE\nNo...no...no, I hate to tell you this:\nyou're not gonna see this woman.\n\nJERRY\n(indignant) What, are you serious...why,\nwhy did she call?\n\nGEORGE\nHow do I know, maybe, ya know, maybe\nshe wanted to be polite.\n\nJERRY\nTo be polite? You are insane!\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, all right, I didn't want\nto tell you this, you wanna know why\nshe called you?\n\nJERRY\nYes!\n\nGEORGE\nYou're a back-up, you're a second-line,\na just-in-case, a B-plan of contingency!\n\nJERRY\nOh, I get it, this is about the button.\n\nGEORGE\n(The waitress(Claire) passes the table;\nGeorge stops her and writes something\non his note-block) Claire, Claire, you're\na woman, right?\n\nCLAIRE\nWhat gave it away, George?\n\nGEORGE\nUhm...I'd like to ask you...ask you\nto analyze a hypothetical phone call,\nya know, from a female point of view.\n\nJERRY\n(to George) Oh, come on now, what are\nyou asking her? Now, how is she gonna\nknow?\n\nGEORGE\n(to Claire) Now, a woman calls me, all\nright? She says she has to (makes some\ngestures to accent \"has to\") come to\nNew York on business...\n\nJERRY\nOh you are beautiful! (ironically)\n\nGEORGE\nand, and maybe (again some gestures)\nshe'll see me when she gets there, does\nthis woman intend to spend time with\nme?\n\nCLAIRE\nI'd have to say: uuhh, no. (George shows\nhis note-block to Jerry, it says very\nlargely: NO)\n\nGEORGE\n(to Claire) So why did she call?\n\nCLAIRE\nTo be polite.\n\nGEORGE\nTo be polite, I rest my case.\n\nJERRY\nGood. Did you have fun? You have no\nidea, what you're talking about, now,\ncome on, come with me (stands up), I,\nI gotta go get my stuff out of the dryer\nanyway.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm not gonna watch you do laundry.\n\nJERRY\nOh, come on, be a \"come-with-guy\".\n\nGEORGE\nCome on, I'm tired.\n\nCLAIRE\n(to Jerry) Don't worry, I gave him a\nlittle caffeine: he'll perk up.\n\nGEORGE\n(takes off his glasses and rubs his\neyes; panics) Right, I knew I felt something...!\n(Jerry is laughing, Claire walks away\nwith a smile)\n\n(Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one\nof the dryers)\n\nGEORGE\nJerry? I have to tell ya somethin':...this\nis the dullest moment I've ever experienced.\n(walks away from the dryer; a man passes\nGeorge and Jerry)\n\nJERRY\nWell, look at this guy! Look, he's got\neverything, he's got: detergents, sprays,\nfabric softeners; this is not his first\nload.\n\nGEORGE\nI need a break, Jerry, ya know, I gotta\nget out of the city, I feel so cramped...\n\nJERRY\nAnd you didn't even hear how she sounded.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?!\n\nJERRY\nLaura.\n\nGEORGE\nI can't believe: (falls on his knees)\nWE ALREADY DISCUSSED THIS!\n\nJERRY\nYeah, but how could you be so sure?\n\nGEORGE\n(gets up) 'Cause it's signals, Jerry\n(starts snapping his fingers), it's\nsignals! Don't you....all right. Did\nshe even ask you, what you were doin'\ntomorrow night, if you were busy?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nShe calls you today and she doesn't\nmake a plan for tomorrow? What is that?\nIt's Saturday night!\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat is that? It's ridiculous! (Jerry\nbobs agreeingly) You don't even know,\nwhat hotel she's staying at, you can't\ncall her. That's a signal, Jerry, that's\na signal! (snaps his fingers again)\nSignal!\n\nJERRY\nMaybe you're right.\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe I'm right? Of course I'm right.\n\nJERRY\nThis is insane. You know, I don't even\nknow where she's staying! She, she's\nnot gonna call me, this is unbelievable.\n\nGEORGE\n(puts an arm around Jerry and whispers)\nI know, I know. (normal voice) Listen,\nyour stuff has to be done by know, why\ndon't you just see if it's dried?\n\nJERRY\nNo no no, don't interrupt the cycle.\nThe machine is working, it, it knows\nwhat it's doing, just let it finish.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're gonna \"overdry\" it.\n\nJERRY\nYou, you can't \"overdry\".\n\nGEORGE\nWhy not?\n\nJERRY\nSame as you can't \"overwet\". (George\nlooks puzzled) You see, once something\nis wet, it's wet. Same thing with dead:\nlike once you die you're dead, right?\nLet's say you drop dead and I shoot\nyou: you're not gonna die again, you're\nalready dead. You can't \"overdie\", you\ncan't \"overdry\".\n\nGEORGE\n(looks at the other persons in the laundry\nand says to them pointing to Jerry)\nAny questions?\n\nJERRY\nHow could she not tell me where she\nwas staying? (George stands by the dryer\nagain and secretly opens it: the dryer\nstops working and George closes the\nlid)\n\nGEORGE\n(points to the dryer) Look at that:\nthey're done! It's a miracle! (Jerry\nlooks surprised)\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\n\"Laundry-day\" is the only exciting day\nin the live of clothes. It is...no,\nthink about it: the washing machine\nis the nightclub of clothes. Ya know,\nit's dark, there's bubbles happening,\nthey're all kind a dancing around in\nthere...shirt grabs the underwear: \"C'mon\nbabe, let's gather\". You come by, you\nopen up the lid and they'll: (shows\nhow clothes are acting when you open\nthe lid)...Socks are the most amazing\narticle of clothing. They hate their\nlives, they're in the shoes with stinky\nfeet, the boring drawers...the dryer\nis their only chance to escape and they\nall know it. They knew a escape from\nthe dryer. They plan it in the hamper,\nthe night before: (sock's voice) \"Tomorrow,\nthe dryer, I'm goin'...you wait here!\"\nThe dryer-door swings open and the sock\nis waiting up against the side wall.\nThey hope you don't see him and then\nhe goes down the road (shows how the\nsock is going down the road). They got\nbuttons sewed on their faces: join the\npuppet show...So they're showing me\non television the detergent for getting\nout blood-stains...Is this a violent\nimage to anybody? Blood-stains? I mean,\nI, come on, you got a T-shirt with blood-stains\nall over it, maybe laundry isn't your\nbiggest problem right now...Maybe you\noughta get the harpoon out your chest\nfirst.\n\n(Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV)\n\nJERRY\n(The phone rings. He picks it up and\nsays:) If you know what happened in\nthe Mets-game, don't say anything, I\ntaped it, hello... Yeah, no, I'm sorry,\nyou have the wrong number...Yeah, no\n(somebody knocks at the door) Yeah?\n(to the door, while still at the phone)\n\nKRAMER\n(enters) Are you up?\n\nJERRY\n(To Kramer) Yeah...(in the phone) Yeah,\npeople do move! Have you ever seen the\nbig trucks out on the street? Yeah,\nno problem (hangs up the phone).\n\nKRAMER\nBoy, the Mets blew it tonight, huh?\n\nJERRY\n(upset) Ooohhhh, what are you doing?\nKramer, it's a tape! (actually I can't\nunderstand the name; maybe \"Kramer\"\nwasn't named \"Kramer\" in the pilot!)\nI taped the game, it's one o'clock in\nthe morning! I avoided human contact\nall night to watch this.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, I'm sorry, I...ya know, I, I thought\nyou knew...(takes two loaves of bread\nout of his pockets) You got any meat?\n\nJERRY\n(a little irritated) Meat? I don't,\nI don't know, go...hunt! (Kramer walks\nto the refrigerator and sticks his head\nin) Well what, what happened in the\ngame anyway?\n\nKRAMER\n(still with his head in the refrigerator)\nWhat happened? Well, they STUNK, that's\nwhat happened! (takes some meat from\nthe refrigerator and closes it) Ya know,\nI almost wound up going to that game.\n\nJERRY\n(cynical) Yeah you almost went to the\ngame. You haven't been out of the building\nin ten years!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. (Jerry sits down on the couch.\nKramer sits down next to him and starts\nturning over the pages of a magazine.\nSuddenly he spots an article he likes\nand tears it out. Jerry looks at him\nwith a \"what-the-h...-are-you-doing-look\"\nand Kramer asks:) Are you done with\nthis?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nKRAMER\n(glues the article back with his own\nsaliva and puts the magazine back on\nthe table) When you're done, let me\nknow.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, yeah...you can have it tomorrow.\n\nKRAMER\nI thought I wasn't allowed to be in\nhere this weekend.\n\nJERRY\nNo, it's OK now, that, that girl is\nnot comin' uh, I, I misread the whole\nthing.\n\nKRAMER\nYou want me to talk to her?\n\nJERRY\nI don't think so.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I can be very persuasive. Do you\nknow that I was almost... a lawyer.\n(shows with his fingers how close it\nwas)\n\nJERRY\nThat close, huh?\n\nKRAMER\nYou better believe it. (The phone rings.\nJerry picks it up)\n\nJERRY\nHello...Oh, hi, Laura.\n\nKRAMER\nGive me it...let me talk to her (continues\nthis way).\n\nJERRY\n(gestures Kramer to shut up) No believe\nme, I'm always up at this hour. How\nare you?...great...sure...What time\ndoes the plane get in?...I got my friend\nGeorge to take me...(Kramer suddenly\nnotices something in the Mets-game on\nTV)...\n\nKRAMER\nA SLIDE!...Wow!\n\nJERRY\n...No, it's, it's just my neighbour...uhm...yeah,\nI got it (takes a pencil and a cereal\nbox to write on) ten-fifteen...No, don't\nbe silly, go ahead and ask...Yeah, sure...OK,\ngreat, no no, it's no trouble at all...I'll\nsee you tomorrow...great, bye. (hangs\nup the phone; to Kramer:) I, I don't\nbelieve it...That, that was her. She\nwants to stay here!\n\n(Jerry's apartment. Jerry and George enter, lifting a heavy mattress)\n\nJERRY\nIf my father was moving this he'd had\nto have a cigarette in his mouth the\nwhole way. (talks from now on like he\nhas a cigarette in his mouth) Have you\ngot your end?...Your end's got to come\ndown first, easy now, drop it down...drop\nit down, your end's got to come down.\n\nGEORGE\nYa know, I can't believe you're bringin'\nin an extra bed for woman, that wants\nto sleep with you. Why don't you bring\nin an extra guy too? (sits down)\n\nJERRY\n(hands George a beer) Look, it's a very\nawkward situation, I, I don't wanna\nbe presumptuous.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, all right, one more time,\none more time! What was the EXACT phrasing\nof the request?\n\nJERRY\nAll right, she said she couldn't find\na decent hotel- room...\n\nGEORGE\nA decent hotel-room...\n\nJERRY\nYeah, a decent hotel-room, would it\nbe terribly inconvenient if she stayed\nat my place.\n\nGEORGE\nYou can't be serious. This is New York\ncity: there must be eleven million decent\nhotel-rooms! Whatta ya need? A flag?\n(waves with his handkerchief) This is\nthe signal, Jerry, this is the signal!\n\nJERRY\n(cynical) This is the signal. Thank\nyou, mister Signal, where were you yesterday?\n\nGEORGE\nI think I was affected by the caffeine.\n(suddenly a dog enters the apartment\nand jumps George at the couch) HO, HO,\nHO, GOOD DOG (etc.)\n\nKRAMER\n(walks in behind the dog and closes\nthe door) He really likes you, George.\n\nGEORGE\n(ironically) Well, that's flattering.\n\nKRAMER\n(the dog runs to the bathroom and apparently\nstarts drinking from the toilet) Oh,\nhe's getting' a drink of water. (sees\nthe mattress on the floor) Is this for\nthat girl?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\nWhy even give her an option?\n\nJERRY\nThis is a person I like, it's not: \"How\nto score on spring break\".\n\nGEORGE\nRight, can we go? 'Cause I'm double-parked,\nI'm gonna get a ticket.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, OK. Oh, wait a second. Oh, I,\nI forgot to clean the bathroom.\n\nGEORGE\nSo what? That's good.\n\nJERRY\nNow, how could that be good?\n\nGEORGE\nBecause filth is good...Whatta you think:\nrock stars have sponges and ammonia\nlyin' around the bathroom? They, they\nhave a woman comin' over: \"I've gotta\ntidy up? Yeah right, in these matters\nyou never do what your instincts tell\nyou. Always, ALWAYS do the opposite.\n\nJERRY\nThis is how you operate?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, I wish.\n\nJERRY\nLet me just wipe the sink.\n\nKRAMER\n(stands up from the couch and yells.)\nWHY EVEN GIVE HER AN OPTION FOR? (Jerry\nwalks to the bathroom and closes the\ndoor; to George, while pointing to the\nmattress) It's unbelievable.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\n...How's the real estate-business?\n\nGEORGE\n...(surprised he asked) It's uh, not\nbad, it's comin' along...Why? Did you\nneed something.\n\nKRAMER\nDo you handle any of that commercial...real\nestate?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I might be getting in to that.\n\nKRAMER\n(slaps George on the arm) You keep me\nposted!\n\nGEORGE\nI'm aware of you, all right, let's go\n(opens the bathroom door), let's go!\n(Jerry and the dog come out) You're\non stage in 25 minutes.\n\n(Comedy club.)\n\nJERRY\nThe dating world is not a fun world...it's\na pressure world, it's a world of tension,\nit's a world of pain...and ya know,\nif a woman comes over to my house, I\ngotta get that bathroom ready, 'cause\nshe needs things. Women need equipment.\nI don't know what they need. I know\nI don't have it, I know that...Ya know\nwhat they need, women seem to need a\nlot of cotton-balls. This is the one\nI'm, always has been one of the amazing\nthings to me...I have no cotton-balls,\nwe're all human beings, what is the\nstory? I've never had one...I never\nbought one, I never needed one, I've\nnever been in a situation, when I thought\nto myself: \"I could use a cotton-ball\nright now\"...I can certainly get out\nof this mess...Women need them and they\ndon't need one or two, they need thousands\nof them, they need bags, they're like\npeat-moss bags, have you ever seen these\ngiant bags? They're huge and two days\nlater, they're out, they're gone, the,\nthe bag is empty, where are the cotton-balls,\nladies? What are you doin' with them?\nThe only time I ever see'em is in the\nbottom of your little waste basket,\nthere's two or three, that look like\nthey've been through some horrible experience...\ntortured, interrogated, I don't know\nwhat happened to them...I once went\nout with a girl who's left a little\nzip-lock-baggy of cotton-balls over\nmy house. I don't know what to do with\nthem, I took them out, I put them on\nmy kitchen floor like little tumbleweeds.\nI thought maybe the cockroaches would\nsee it, figure this is a dead town:\n\"Let's move on\"... The dating world\nis a world of pressure. Let's face it:\na date is a job-interview, that lasts\nall night. The only difference between\na date and a job-interview is: not many\njob-interviews is there a chance you'll\nend up naked at the end of it...ya know:\n\"Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're\nthe man for the position, why don't\nyou strip down and meet some of the\npeople you'll be workin' with?\".\n\n(Airport. Jerry and George are waiting for Laura)\n\nJERRY\nWouldn't it be great if you could ask\na woman what she's thinking?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat a world that would be, if you just\ncould ask a woman what she's thinkin'.\n\nJERRY\nYa know, instead, I'm like a detective:\nI've gotta pick up clues, the whole\nthing is a murder investigation.\n\nGEORGE\nListen, listen, don't get worked up,\n'cause you're gonna know the whole story\nthe minute she steps off the plane.\n\nJERRY\nReally? How?\n\nGEORGE\n'Cause it's all in the greeting.\n\nJERRY\nUh-huh.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, if she puts the bags down\nbefore she greets you, that's a good\nsign.\n\nJERRY\nRight.\n\nGEORGE\nYa know, anything in the, in the \"lip-area\"\nis good.\n\nJERRY\n\"Lip-area\".\n\nGEORGE\nYa know a hug: definitely good.\n\nJERRY\nHug is definitely good.\n\nGEORGE\nSure.\n\nJERRY\nAlthough what if it's one of those hugs\nwhere the shoulders are touching, the\nhips are eight feet apart?\n\nGEORGE\nThat's so brutal, I hate that.\n\nJERRY\nYa know how they do that?\n\nGEORGE\nThat's why, ya know, a shake is bad.\n\nJERRY\nShake is bad, but what if it's the \"two-hander\"?\nThe hand on the bottom, the hand on\nthe top, the warm look in the eyes?\n\nGEORGE\nHand-sandwich.\n\nJERRY\nRight.\n\nGEORGE\nI see, well, that's open to interpretation.\nBecause so much depends on the layering\nand the quality of the wetness in the\neyes...(suddenly a woman approaches\nJerry from behind and puts her hands\nover Jerry's eyes)\n\nLAURA\nGuess who?\n\nJERRY\nHey, hey.\n\nLAURA AND JERRY\nHeeeey! (they take each others hands\nlike they're planning to do a folk dance;\nGeorge is looking puzzled)\n\nJERRY\nIt's good to see you.\n\nLAURA\nHi.\n\nJERRY\nThis is my friend George.\n\nLAURA\n(shakes George's hand) Hi, how nice\nto meet you.\n\nGEORGE\nHi, how are you?\n\nJERRY\nThis is Laura.\n\nGEORGE\nLaura, sure.\n\nJERRY\n(to Laura) I can't believe you're here.\n\nGEORGE AND JERRY\nOoh yeah, the bags, sure. (they pick\nup the bags)\n\nLAURA\nOh, thank you.\n\nJERRY\n(privately to George) Now that was an\ninteresting greeting, did you notice\nthat, George?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, the \"surprise-blindfold-greeting\".\nThat wasn't in the manual, I don't know.\n\n(Jerry's apartment. Jerry shows Laura the apartment)\n\nJERRY\nSo uh, what do ya think?\n\nLAURA\nOoohhh, wow! This place isn't so bad.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, it kind a motivates me to work\non the road...So uh, make yourself at\nhome. (Laura sits down on the couch,\ntakes off her shoes and opens some buttons\nof her shirt) So uh, can I get you anything?\nUuhhh, bread, water...salad-dressing?\n\nLAURA\n(laughs) Actually uhm, do you have any\nwine?\n\nJERRY; Uh, yeah, I think I do.\n\nLAURA\nOh, do, do you mind if I turn this down?\n(points to the lamp)\n\nJERRY\nUh, no, yeah, go right ahead. (she turns\ndown the lamp)\n\nLAURA\nUh, Jerry, uh, I was wondering: would\nit be possible, and if it's not, fine,\nfor me to stay here tomorrow night too?\n\nJERRY\nUh, yeah, yeah, sure, why don't you\nstay? Yeah, uhm...What is your, what\nis your schedule for tomorrow? Are you,\nare you doin' anything?\n\nLAURA\nNo, I'd love to do something, uh, I\nhave my seminar in the morning, then\nafter that I'm right open.\n\nJERRY\nReally? What would you like to do?\n\nLAURA\nWell...now I know this sounds touristy,\nbut I'd just love to go on one of those\nfive-hour-boat-rides around Manhattan.\n\nJERRY\n(doubtfully) Yeah, we could do that...why\nnot, why not. (pours the wine) I'm just,\nI'm really glad you're here. (the phone\nrings; he picks it up) Yeah, hello...yes...yes,\nshe is, hold on. (to Laura) Uhm, it's\nfor you.\n\nLAURA\n(she takes the phone) Hello?...Hi!...no\nno it was great, right on time...no,\nI, I'm gonna stay here tomorrow...yes,\nyes it's fine..no, we're goin' on a\nboat-ride...don't be silly...I'm not\ngonna have this conversation...look\nI, I'll call you tomorrow...OK, bye\n(she hangs up the phone). Never get\nengaged.\n\nJERRY\nYou're engaged?\n\nLAURA\nYou, you really have no idea what it's\nlike until you actually do it and I'm\non this emotional roller coaster.\n\nJERRY\nYou're engaged? (still can't believe\nit)\n\nLAURA\nYa know, I can't believe it myself sometimes.\nYou have to start thinking in terms\nof \"we\", uh, it's a very stressful situation.\n\nJERRY\nYou're engaged! (like he's answering\nhis own question)\n\nLAURA\nYeah...yeah, he's a great guy...\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nLAURA\nYou'd really like him...ya know, I can't\nwait to get on that boat.\n\nJERRY\nMe too!\n\n(Comedy club.)\n\nJERRY\nI swear, I have absolutely no idea what\nwomen are thinking. I don't get it,\nOK? I, I, I admit, I, I'm not getting\nthe signals. I am not getting it! Women,\nthey're so subtle, their little...everything\nthey do is subtle...men are not subtle,\nwe are obvious. Women know what men\nwant, men know what men want, what do\nwe want? We want women, that's it!...It's\nthe only thing we know for sure, it\nreally is: we want women. How do we\nget them? Oh, we don't know 'bout that,\nwe don't know. The next step after that\nwe have no idea. This is why you see\nmen honking car-horns, yelling from\nconstruction sites. These are the best\nideas we've had so far...The car-horn-honk,\nis that a beauty? Have you seen men\ndoing this? What is this? The man is\nin the car, the woman walks by the front\nof the car, he honks: (imitates horn).\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Stakeout.html",
    "text": "THE STAKEOUT\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David & Jerry Seinfeld\n\n(Opening comedy)\n\nJERRY\nSo, I'm on line at the supermarket.\nTwo women in front of me. One of\n\nthem, her total was eight dollars, the other three dollars. They\nboth\n\nof course choose to pay by the use of the (pause and gesture\nto audience\n\nfor response)\n\nAUDIENCE\nCheque\n\nJERRY\nCheque. Now, the fact is, if it's a\nwoman in front of you that's\n\nwriting the cheque, you will not be waiting long. I have noticed\nthat\n\nwomen are very *fast* with cheques, y'know, 'cuz they write out\nso many\n\ncheques. The keys, they can never find in their purse, they don't\nknow\n\nwhere that is, but the cheque book they got that. They never\nfumble for\n\nbook from an imaginary holster) ``Who do I make it out to?...\nThere's my\n\nID...\". There's something about a cheque that, to a man, is\nnot masculine.\n\nI don't know exactly what it is... I think to a man, a cheque\nis like a note\n\nfrom your mother that says ``I don't have any money, but if you'll\n\ncontact these people, I'm sure they'll stick up for me... If\nyou\n\njust trust me this one time I don't have any money but I have\n\nthese... I wrote on these; is this of any value at all?\"\n\n(End stand-up)\n\nJERRY\nWhat's that one?\n\nELAINE\n\"Coccoon II: The Return\". I guess they\ndidn't like it up there...\n\nJERRY\nMaybe they came back for Chinese food.\nY'know Maureen Stapleton, if\n\nshe gets a craving, she's probably screamin' at those aliens,\n\"I gotta have a Lo mein!\"\n\nELAINE\nOkay, what're we doing here? I have\nseen *everything*.\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah? I don't believe you've seen...\nthis.\n\nELAINE\nOh, lovely...\n\nJERRY\nYeah...\n\nELAINE\nWhat do you think their parents think?\n\nJERRY\n\"So, uh, what's your son doing now,\nDr. Stevens?\"\n\n\"Oh, he's a public fornicator. Yes, he's a fine boy...\"\n\nELAINE\nY'know what? This would be a really\nfunny gift for Pamela's\n\nbirthday.\n\nJERRY\nPamela? Do I know her?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, you met her when we were going\nout.\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah, right...\n\nELAINE\nYou have *no* idea who I'm talking about,\ndo you?\n\nJERRY\n(quickly) No.\n\nELAINE\nBlonde hair remember? Glasses? (pause)\nHave you *totally* blocked\n\nout the entire time we were a couple?\n\nJERRY\nRiverside Drive.\n\nELAINE\nRight! In fact... No, never mind...\n\nJERRY\nWell, what is it?\n\nELAINE\nWell, a bunch of people are getting\ntogether tomorrow night at some\n\nbar for her birthday, but... you don't want to go to... that...\nno.\n\nJERRY\nWait a second, wait a second. We could\nwork out a little deal here.\n\nELAINE\nWhat little deal?\n\nJERRY\nI will go to that, if you go with me\nto a little family wedding I\n\nhave on Saturday.\n\nELAINE\nA *wedding*!? Have you *lost* it, man?\n\nJERRY\nY'know, my parents are coming in for\nthis...\n\nELAINE\nThey're coming in?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, tomorrow.\n\nELAINE\nHey, did your father ever get that hair\nweave?\n\nJERRY\nNo, no... Still doin' the big *sweep*\nacross.\n\nELAINE\nWhy does he do that?\n\nJERRY\nDoesn't think anyone can tell?\n\nJERRY\nSo c'mon, do we have a deal?\n\nELAINE\nA *wedding*?\n\nJERRY\nThere's a lot of people to mock...\n\nELAINE\nAlright, what the Hell.\n\nJERRY\nGreat!\n\nWOMAN\nWhen you're dead, you're dead. That's\nit. You're not goin'\n\nanywhere...\n\nELAINE\nC'mon lets go, c'mon...\n\nJERRY\nWas I supposed to bring something?\n\nELAINE\nYou could have.\n\nJERRY\nI met her *one* time...\n\nELAINE\nIt is not necessary.\n\nJERRY\nWhat did you say then?\n\nELAINE\nSssshhhhhh!!!\n\nPAMELA\nHi\n\nELAINE\nHi Pamela, you remember Jerry.\n\nPAMELA\nYes, we met.\n\nJERRY\nHi, happy birthday.\n\nPAMELA\nAhh, everybody, this is Elaine and Jerry.\n\nGUESTS\nHi\n\nJERRY\nI didn't bring anything.\n\nPAMELA\nAhh, I put you two right here.\n\nJERRY\nOh, Okay (turns to rest of table) I'm\nsorry, I didn't know what\n\nto bring, nobody told me.\n\nVANESSA\nHow big a tip do you think it'd take\nto get him to stop?\n\nJERRY\nI'm in for five...\n\nVANESSA\nI'll supply the hat.\n\nJERRY\n(To himself) Uh-oh... What do we have\nhere...\n\nVANESSA\nWhy don't you relax and take your jacket\noff?\n\nJERRY\nOh, I can't-- I have a tendency to get\nchilly.\n\nVANESSA\nHow masculine...\n\nJERRY\nPlus I'm wearing short sleeves, I don't\nwant to expose my tattoos.\n\n(To himself) She's unbelievable!\n\nROGER\n(To Vanessa) Hey, this guy says he knows\nBricker...\n\nVANESSA\nOh, you know Bricker! From where?\n\nJERRY\n(To himself) What's going on here? Gotta\nbe her boyfriend, she's\n\ntoo good to be alone... What's the difference, I can't maneuver\n\nanyway with Elaine next to me...\n\nVANESSA\n(To Jerry) How do you know Pamela?\n\nJERRY\nFriend of a friend. And you?\n\nVANESSA\nWe went to law school together.\n\nELAINE\nOh, Jerry!\n\nJERRY\n(To himself) Oh no, not *now*...\n\nELAINE\nI had this dream last night and you\nwere in it.\n\nJERRY\nOh really... (To himself) Oh God, I\ngotta get out of this...\n\nELAINE\nYou were you, but, you weren't you...\n\nJERRY\nNo kidding... (To himself) Why is this\nhappening? Please, make\n\nher stop!\n\nELAINE\nI think, I think we were in my house\nwhere I grew up, and you were\n\nstanding there, you were looking out the window--\n\nJERRY\n(To himself) This is *brutal*...\n\nELAINE\nYou turned around and you had these\nwooden teeth...\n\nJERRY\nHow do you like that... (To himself)\nCan I turn now? Is this\n\nover? No, I can't, I can't... I'm stuck...\n\nELAINE\nJerry? Are you listening to me?\n\nJERRY\nYes, I *heard* you.\n\nPAMELA\nElaine, what's the name of that jewelry\nstore you took me to that\n\ntime?\n\nJERRY\n(To himself) Thank *you*, Pamela!\n\nJERRY\n(To Vanessa) So, you're a lawyer...\n\nVANESSA\nSagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and\nTaft.\n\nJERRY\n(To himself, quickly) Sagman, Bennet,\nRobbins, Oppenheim and Taft.\n\nSagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft...\n\n(To Vanessa) Of course, they handled my tattoo removal lawsuit!\n\nVANESSA\nOh, that was you!\n\nJERRY\nImagine, spelling \"Mom\" with two O's...\n\nVANESSA\nVery funny! What do you do?\n\nJERRY\nComedian.\n\nVANESSA\nReally... That explains it...\n\nJERRY\n(To himself, quickly) Sagman, Bennet,\nRobbins, Oppenheim and Taft.\n\nSagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.\n\nROGER\nAre you ready?\n\nVANESSA\nWe gotta run. Happy birthday!\n\nJERRY\n(To himself) I can't believe it-- I\ngot *nothing*! I don't even\n\nknow her name!\n\nJERRY\n(To himself, *very* quickly) Sagman,\nBennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and\n\nTaft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppen... Sagman... Sag...\n\nJERRY\nThat wasn't so bad, really...\n\nELAINE\nY'know, uh, you could use a little work\non your manners.\n\nJERRY\nWhy? What did I do?\n\nELAINE\nWell, I just don't appreciate these\nlittle \"courtesy responses\",\n\nlike I'm selling you aluminum siding.\n\nJERRY\nI was listening!\n\nELAINE\nNo! You couldn't wait to get back to\nyour little... \"conversation\".\n\nJERRY\nNo, you were talking about the, the\num, the dream you had.\n\nELAINE\nUh-huh...\n\nJERRY\nWhere you had, uh, wooden teeth.\n\nELAINE\nNo! No! *You* had wooden teeth! *You*\nhad wooden teeth! *I*\n\ndidn't have wooden teeth, *you* did!\n\nJERRY\nAlright, so *I* had wooden teeth, so\nwhat?\n\nELAINE\nSo nothing... Nothing...\n\nJERRY\nApparently Plato, who came up with the\nconcept of the platonic\n\nrelationship, was pretty excited about it. He named it after\n\nhimself. He said ``Yeah, I got this new thing-- \"platonic\". My\n\nidea, my name, callin' it after myself... What I do is, I go\n*out*\n\nwith the girls, I *talk* with them-- don't *do* anything... and\ngo\n\nright home. What'dya think? I think it's going to be *big*!\"\n\nI bet you there were other guys in history that tried to get\n\nrelationships named after them, but it didn't work. Y'know, I\nbet\n\nRico. Would you like to go to bed immediately? Hey, it's a\n\n*\"Riconic\"* relationship...\"\n\nJERRY\nHey!\n\nMORTY\nAh, there he is!\n\nJERRY\nThis is what I like, see? You come home\nand your parents are in your\n\nbed!\n\nHELEN\nY'know, Jerry, we don't have to do this...\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you talkin' about? It's fine,\nI love having you here...\n\nHELEN\nTomorrow we'll go to a hotel.\n\nJERRY\nMa, will you stop?\n\nHELEN\nNo, why should we take over your apartment?\n\nJERRY\nI don't care-- I'm sleeping next door.\n\nHELEN\nYour friend Kramer doesn't mind?\n\nJERRY\nNo, he's making a bouillabaisse.\n\nJERRY\nSo Dad, lemme ask you a question. How\nmany people work at these big\n\nlaw offices?\n\nMORTY\nDepends on the firm.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, but if you called up and described\nsomeone, do you think they\n\nwould know who it was?\n\nMORTY\nWhat's the matter? You need a lawyer?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I met someone at this party, and\nI know where she works, but I\n\ndon't know her name.\n\nMORTY\nSo why don't you ask someone who was\nat the party?\n\nJERRY\nNah, the only one I could ask is Elaine,\nand I can't ask her.\n\nHELEN\nWhy not?\n\nJERRY\nBecause it's complicated-- there's some\ntension there.\n\nHELEN\nHe used to go with her...\n\nHELEN\nWhich one is she?\n\nMORTY\nFrom Maryland. The one who brought you\nthe chocolate covered\n\ncherries you didn't like.\n\nMORTY\nOh yeah, very alert. Warm person.\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah, she's great.\n\nHELEN\nSo, how come nothing materialized there?\n\nJERRY\nWell, it's a tough thing to talk about...\nI dunno...\n\nHELEN\nI know what it was...\n\nJERRY\nYou don't know what it was...\n\nHELEN\nSo, what was it?\n\nJERRY\nWell, we fight a lot for some reason...\n\nH + M\nOh, well...\n\nJERRY\nAnd there was a little problem with\nthe physical chemistry...\n\nHELEN\nWell, I think she's a very attractive\ngirl.\n\nJERRY\nOh, she is, she absolutely is.\n\nHELEN\nI can see if there was a *weight* problem...\n\nJERRY\nNo, it's not that. It wasn't all one-sided.\n\nHELEN\nYou know, you can't be so particular.\nNobody's perfect.\n\nJERRY\nI know, I know...\n\nMORTY\nY'know Jerry, it's a good thing I wasn't\nso particular.\n\nHELEN\nIdiot... (To Jerry) So who're you looking\nfor, Sophia Loren?\n\nJERRY\nThat's got *nothin'* to do with it.\n\nMORTY\nHow about Loni Anderson?\n\nHELEN\nWhere do you get Loni Anderson?\n\nMORTY\nWhy, what's wrong with Loni Anderson?\n\nHELEN\nI like *Elaine* more than Loni Anderson...\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you two talking about? Look,\nElaine just wasn't \"the one\".\n\nHELEN\nAnd this other one's \"the one\"?\n\nJERRY\nI dunno, maybe...\n\nMORTY\nSo ask Elaine there for the number.\n\nJERRY\nI can't-- she'll get upset. I never\ntalk about other women with her,\n\nespecially this one tonight.\n\nHELEN\nHow could you still see her if your\nnot interested?\n\nJERRY\nWe're *friends*.\n\nMORTY\nDoesn't sound like you're friends to\nme. If you were friends you'd\n\nask her for the number. Do you know where this other one works?\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah...\n\nMORTY\nWell, go up to the office.\n\nHELEN\nUp to her office?\n\nMORTY\nGo to the building. She goes out to\nlunch, doesn't she?\n\nJERRY\nI guess...\n\nMORTY\nSo, you stand in the lobby, by the elevator,\nand wait for her to\n\ncome down for lunch.\n\nJERRY\nYou mean \"stakeout\" the lobby?\n\nHELEN\nMorty, that's ridiculous. Just ask Elaine\nfor the number!\n\nMORTY\nHe doesn't want to ask Elaine for the\nnumber.\n\nHELEN\nSo you've got him standing by the elevator\nlike a *dope*! What\n\nhappens when he sees her?\n\nMORTY\nHe pretends he *bumped* into her!\n\nJERRY\nY'know what? This is *not* that *bad*\nan idea...\n\nGEORGE\nWhat does she look like?\n\nJERRY\nI dunno. Hard to say.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat actress does she remind you of?\n\nJERRY\nLoni Anderson.\n\nGEORGE\nLoni Anderson?!\n\nJERRY\nWhat, there's something wrong with Loni\nAnderson?\n\nJERRY\nHey listen, thanks again for running\nover here. I appreciate it.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, sure. I was showing a condo on\n48th st. Besides, you think\n\nI wanna miss this?\n\nJERRY\nI'm a little nervous.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, me too...\n\nJERRY\nIf I see her, what do I say that I'm\ndoing here in the building?\n\nGEORGE\nYou came to see me; I work in the building.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you do?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm an *architect*.\n\nJERRY\nYou're an *architect*?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm not?\n\nJERRY\nI don't see architecture comin from\nyou...\n\nGEORGE\nI suppose *you* could be an architect...\n\nJERRY\nI never said that I was the architect.\nJust somethin' else...\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, she's not even gonna ask, if\nwe *see* her, which is remote.\n\nJERRY\nWell what'dya want me to say, that I\njust wandered in here?!\n\nGEORGE\nWe're having lunch with a friend-- he\nworks in the building.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is *his* name?\n\nGEORGE\nBert... Har... bin... son. Bert Har-bin-son.\n\nJERRY\nBert Harbinson? It sounds made up.\n\nGEORGE\nNo good? Alright, how about Art... Corr.....\n\nJERRY\nArt Corr...\n\nGEORGE\n...velay...\n\nJERRY\nCorvelay?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, right.\n\nJERRY\nWell, what does *he* do?\n\nGEORGE\nHe's an importer.\n\nJERRY\nJust imports, no exports?\n\nGEORGE\nHe's an importer/exporter, okay?\n\nGEORGE\nSay, did Elaine ever call you back?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I guess she's still mad.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't understand, you never talk to\nher about other women?\n\nJERRY\nNever.\n\nJERRY\nWait a second... That's her... on the\nright.\n\nGEORGE\nI forgot who I am! Who am I?!\n\nJERRY\nYou're you. We're having lunch with\nArt Corvelay.\n\nGEORGE\nVandelay!\n\nJERRY\nCorvelay!\n\nGEORGE\nLet me be the architect, I can do it!\n\nJERRY\nHey, hey... Pamela's birthday party,\ndidn't I see you there...\n\nJerry.\n\nVANESSA\nSure! Hi!\n\nJERRY\nThis is George. (\"Grasps\" for her name)\nI'm sorry...\n\nVANESSA\nVanessa.\n\nGEORGE\nNice to meet you.\n\nJERRY\nAh, Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim\nand Taft.\n\nVANESSA\nThat's right! What're you doing here?\n\nJERRY\nOh, were meeting a friend of ours for\nlunch. He works here in the\n\nbuilding.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, Art *Vandelay*.\n\nVANESSA\nReally? Which company?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know. He's an importer.\n\nVANESSA\nImporter?\n\nGEORGE\n...And exporter.\n\nJERRY\nHe's an importer/exporter.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm, uh, I'm an architect.\n\nVANESSA\nReally. What do you design?\n\nGEORGE\nUh, railroads, uh...\n\nVANESSA\nI thought engineers do that.\n\nGEORGE\nThey can...\n\nJERRY\nY'know I'm sorry you had to leave so\nearly the other night.\n\nVANESSA\nOh, me too. My cousin had to go back\nto Boston.\n\nJERRY\nOh, that guy was your *cousin*!\n\nVANESSA\nYeah, and that woman was your--\n\nJERRY\nFriend!\n\nGEORGE\nI'll just, uh, get a paper...\n\nJERRY\nSo, um, do you date immature men?\n\nVANESSA\nAlmost exclusively...\n\nHELEN\nBum bum bum bum... I have no letters...\nBum bum bum bum...\n\nJERRY\nMa, will you go already?\n\nHELEN\nBum bum bum bum...\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you doing?!\n\nHELEN\nWait, I just want to see something...\n\nJERRY\nYou can't look in there, we're playing!\n\nMORTY\nEvening, Mr. Kramer!\n\nKRAMER\nHey Morty! (To Jerry) Salad dressing?\n\nJERRY\nLook.\n\nHELEN\n\"Quo\"? Is that a word?\n\nJERRY\nMaybe!\n\nHELEN\nWill you challenge it?\n\nJERRY\nMa, you can't look up words in the dictionary!\nDad, she's cheating!\n\nKRAMER\n\"Quo\"? That's not a word.\n\nHELEN\n(To Jerry) You're such a stickler...\n\nJERRY\nWell put *something* down, you're taking\ntwenty minutes on this.\n\nSo is Uncle Mac, and Artie, they're all coming over here before\nthe\n\nwedding?\n\nHELEN\nThey'll be here at two o'clock... Oh,\nElaine called. She said\n\nSHE'D BE HERE AT 2\n30. Oh, and she says ``Hope your meeting\nwent\n\nwell with Art... \"Vandelay\"?\"\n\nJERRY\nShe said *what*?\n\nHELEN\nJust what I said, here.\n\nJERRY\nShe knows! Oh, I am *such* a *jackass*...\n\nHELEN\nShe knows what?\n\nJERRY\nShe knows the whole stupid thing...\nVanessa and the elevator...\n\nHELEN\nNo, no, no, that won't do. He may have\na \"Z\"...\n\nMORTY\nSo, how did she find out?\n\nJERRY\nBecause, Vanessa probably told Pamela,\nand Pamela probably told\n\nElaine.\n\nMORTY\nSo, what are you? Afraid of her?\n\nJERRY\nYes. *Yes* *I* *am*!\n\nJERRY\nWhat else did she say on the phone?\n\nHELEN\nWhatever I wrote down.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, but what was the tone in her voice?\nHow did she sound?\n\nHELEN\nWho am I, Rich Little?\n\nMORTY\nWell, she can't be too mad-- she's still\ncoming to the wedding.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, but now I'm nervous.\n\nHELEN\nOh, stop it.\n\nJERRY\n\"Quone\"?\n\nHELEN\n...30...31...\n\nJERRY\n\"Quone\"? No, I'm afraid that I'm going\nto have to challenge that.\n\nHELEN\n...32...\n\nKRAMER\nNo, you don't have to challenge that.\nThat's a word. That's a\n\n*definite* word.\n\nJERRY\nI am challenging...\n\nKRAMER\nQuone: to quone something.\n\nJERRY\nUh-huh...\n\nHELEN\nI'm not playing with you anymore...\n\nMORTY\nQuone's not a word...\n\nJERRY\nNo good. Sorry. There it is. Get it\noff...\n\nHELEN\nWhy did you make me put that down?\n\nKRAMER\nNah, we need a *medical* dictionary!\nIf a patient gets difficult,\n\nyou *quone* him...\n\nCAROL\nYou want some funny material, you oughta\ncome down to where I work,\n\nnow that's a sitcom!\n\nJERRY\nYou must have quite a time down there.\n(Checks his watch)\n\nCAROL\nWe got plenty of time...\n\nJERRY\nOh, I'm sorry. I'm just waiting for\nsomeone...\n\nMAC\nWatch what you say to this guy-- he'll\nput it in his next act!\n\nJERRY\nYeah, yeah...\n\nMAC\nJerry, did I tell you that I'm writing\na book? An autobiography.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, Uncle Mac, you mentioned it...\n\nMAC\nIt's based on all my experiences!\n\nJERRY\nThat's perfect. (Elaine enters) Could\nyou excuse me one second.\n\nI'm sorry.\n\nJERRY\nHow do you do, Jerry Seinfeld.\n\nELAINE\nOh, how do you do. Elaine Benes.\n\nJERRY\nUm, do you want to do this now, or do\nyou want to wait until we get\n\nin the car?\n\nELAINE\nOh no, let's do it now.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, the whole elevator business,\nlet me just explain--\n\nELAINE\nOkay...\n\nARTIE\nJerry, were you goin' with us?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I'm gonna take my car.\n\nARTIE\nThat's why I brought the wagon. Why\nthe Hell did I bring the wagon?\n\nJERRY\nAnyway, you know why I didn't ask you,\nI mean I felt so\n\nuncomfortable, and you were *so* annoyed in the cab.\n\nELAINE\nWell, Jerry, I never saw you flirt with\nanyone before. It was\n\nquite the spectacle.\n\nCAROL\nJerry, we'll see you there. Bye, Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nOh, bye. Good to see you.\n\nARTIE\nOh, we didn't meet.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I'm sorry. Elaine, this is my cousin\nArtie Levine.\n\nARTIE\nLe*vine*.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, \"Le*vine*\". And I'm Jerry Cougar\nMellencamp... Anyway, I\n\nadmit it was a fairly ridiculous thing to do, but I mean, I mean,\n\nobviously we have a little problem here.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, obviously.\n\nJERRY\nI mean, if we're gonna be friends, we\ngotta be able to talk about\n\nother people...\n\nELAINE\nCouldn't agree more.\n\nJERRY\nGood.\n\nELAINE\nGood.\n\nJERRY\nGood.\n\nELAINE\nGreat!\n\nJERRY\nGreat? Where do you get \"great\"?\n\nELAINE\nIt's great to... talk about... other\npeople...\n\nJERRY\n...Guys.\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nUh-huh... Yeah... So, anybody specific?\n\nELAINE\nNo. A general guy.\n\nJERRY\nOh *really*... Elaine Marie Benes...\n\nELAINE\nWhat? No, it's not a big deal.\n\nJERRY\nNo, that's great! That's terrific!\n\nELAINE\nNo, we just met...\n\nJERRY\nDoesn't matter. What's the young man's\nname? I would like to\n\nmeet him.\n\nELAINE\nI don't think so...\n\nJERRY\nWell, what does he do? Is he an artisan,\na craftsman, a labourer\n\nof some sort?\n\nELAINE\nWall street.\n\nJERRY\nAhh, high finance: bulls... bears...\npeople from Conneticut.\n\nELAINE\nAnd he happens to be pretty good lookin'\n\nJERRY\n(pause) Alright, sir.\n\nELAINE\nAnd... he's *hilarious*.\n\nJERRY\nNow that's not fair! So where did you\nmeet this guy?\n\nELAINE\nI \"staked\" out his health club.\n\nJERRY\nWhen you're on a stakeout, do you find\nit's better to stand up\n\nagainst the wall, or kinda crouch down behind a big plant?...\n\nJERRY\nY'know I think that even if you've had\na relationship with someone,\n\nor let's say, *especially* if you've had a relationship with\nsomeone\n\nand you try to become friends afterwards, it's very difficult.\n\nIsn't this? It's hard. Because, you know each other so well,\nyou\n\nknow all of each others tricks. It's like two magicians, trying\nto entertain each other.\n\nThe one goes, \"Look, a rabbit.\"\n\nThe other goes, \"So? ... I believe this is your card.\"\n\n\"Look, why don't we just saw each other in half and call it a\nnight? Okay?\"\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Robbery.html",
    "text": "THE ROBBERY\n\nWritten by\n\nMatt Goldman\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nSo I move into the centre lane, now\nI get ahead of this\n\nwomen, who felt for some reason I guess, that she thought that\n\nI cut her off. So, she pulls up along side of me, gives me...\n\nthe finger. It seems like such an... arbitrary, ridiculous\n\nthing to just pick a finger and you show it to the person.\n\n(shows several fingers to the audience) It's a finger, what\n\ndoes it mean? Someone shows me one of their fingers and I'm\n\nsupposed to feel bad. Is that the way it's supposed to work?\nI\n\nmean, you could just give someone the toe, really, couldn't\n\nyou? I would feel worse if I got the toe, than if I got the\n\nfinger. 'Cause it's not easy to give someone the toe, you've\n\ngotta get the shoe off, the sock of and drive, get it up and\n\nuh (pretends to drive with one foot in the air and speaks to\n\nperson driving next to him) look at that toe, buddy. (puts his\n\nfoot down) I mean, that's really insulting to get the toe,\n\nisn't it ?\n\n(Jerry's apartment. Jerry is packing. Elaine is sitting\n\nat the table watching Jerry)\n\nJERRY\nIs that it? Got the cue tips, got the\nmini-umbrella,\n\nsomething boring to read on the plane. (zips his bag with\n\nexaggerated motions) That's it. Done!\n\nELAINE\n(claps her hands) That is the single\ngreatest packing\n\nperformance I have ever seen.\n\nJERRY\n(proudly) I am...the master packer.\n\nELAINE\n(laughs) Yeah, right, you're the master\npacker.\n\nJERRY\nWhat you must understand, Elaine, (picks\nup the\n\numbrella) packing is no different than leading men into\n\nBATTLE\nyou've gotta know the strengths and\nweaknesses (hits\n\nhis bag rhythmically with his umbrella) of every soldier in\n\nthat platoon. From a collapsible toothbrush to a pair of\n\nordinary black socks.\n\nELAINE\n'Scuse me...master packer!\n\nJERRY\n...Yes.\n\nELAINE\nJust gimme your keys.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, sir. (tosses Elaine his keys;\napartment buzzer\n\ngoes of, Jerry speaks over the intercom) George?\n\nGEORGE\n(outside over the intercom) Yeah\n\nELAINE\n(Jerry opens the door) OK, so, now,\nis there anything\n\nelse I need to know 'bout this place?\n\nJERRY\nuh, yeah, the uuhh, hot water takes\na little while to\n\ncome on. So, the best thing to do is to turn it on, do all\n\nyour shopping, you...come back and take a shower.\n\nELAINE\nOK, this is quite a place.\n\nJERRY\nThere's more, the refrigerator. (Opens\nit) Deduct a\n\nminimum of two days of all expiration dates. (uses the\n\numbrella to point to certain compartments in the refrigerator)\n\nNo meat, no leftovers, no butter. (closes the refrigerator)\n\nthat clear?\n\nELAINE\nI'll eat out.\n\nJERRY\nOne more thing, Benes, regarding sexual\nactivity:\n\nstrictly prohibited, but if you absolutely must, do us all a\n\nBIG FAVOUR\ndo it in the tub.\n\nGEORGE\n(walks in) Ready?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, one sec.\n\nGEORGE\n(closes the door) Hey, Elaine\n\nELAINE\nHi.\n\nGEORGE\nComing to the airport with us?\n\nELAINE\nNo, I'm staying here for the weekend.\nI'm getting a\n\nbreak from my roommate.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, the actress-waitress.\n\nELAINE\nNo, the waitress-actress. She just got\nsome part in\n\nsome dinner-theater production of a Chorus Line. So, now all\nday\n\n\"God, I hope I get it, I hope I get it\". She's gonna get it\n\nright in her...\n\nGEORGE\nYou just kick her out.\n\nELAINE\nShe's on the lease!...George you have\ngot to find an\n\nother place for me.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, well...a little ruff finding something\ngood in\n\nyour price-range. (looks like he remembers something and turns\n\nto Jerry) But you, my friend, may be in luck.\n\nJERRY\nI'm not looking.\n\nGEORGE\nNo no no, this one's different, this\none's a beauty!\n\nJERRY\nYeah, what's it like?\n\nGEORGE\nI haven't seen it yet, but it's a \"two-bedroom\",\nit's\n\non the uh, west 83rd, 'bout a half block from the park?\n\nJERRY\nHow much?\n\nGEORGE\nUh, twice what you pay in here, but\nit's a great\n\nbuilding, it's two bedrooms!\n\nJERRY\nTwo bedrooms? Why do I need two bedrooms?\nI got enough\n\ntrouble maintaining activity in one. (George looks at Elaine\n\nwith a \"he's-crazy-look\"; Jerry turns around) I saw that.\n\nELAINE\nYou oughtta least take a look at it.\n\nJERRY\nReally? Why?\n\nELAINE\n'Cause then I could move in here.\n\nJERRY\nOoohhhh\n\nELAINE\nIt's time you got out a here anyway.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, tell'm, but quickly, I'm double\nparked here.\n\nELAINE\nListen, Jerry, this place is falling\napart. You have\n\nno hot water, you can't have soft cheese...\n\nGEORGE\nLet's not forget the radiator, the steam\nhas been on\n\nhere for ten years; no human can turn this off.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, come on, you're doin' OK now,\nyou should at\n\nleast take a look at this place. You shouldn't have to live\n\nlike this.\n\nJERRY\nLike this? You just said, you wanted\nto live here.\n\nELAINE\nWell, for me it's a step up. It's like\nmoving from\n\nIsland to Finland.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, what do ya...you wanna...you\nwanna see the\n\nplace or not?\n\nJERRY\nI can't think about it now. Come on,\nI'm going to\n\nMinneapolis. I got four shows this weekend.\n\n(Jerry's apartment. Jerry enters his apartment with his\n\nbags.)\n\nJERRY\nElaine! (puts his bags down, sits down\non the couch,\n\npicks up the remote control and tries to turn on his TV)\n\nJERRY\n(notices the TV is missing) ELAINE!\n\nELAINE\n(from the bathroom) JERRY! (enters the\nliving-room)\n\nJerry, oh, hi, welcome back. How were the shows?\n\nJERRY\nGreat, I had fun, where's the TV, where's\nthe VCR.\n\n(Elaine looks guilty) What?\n\nELAINE\nThey were stolen.\n\nJERRY\nStolen? When?\n\nELAINE\nA couple a hours ago, the police are\ncoming right\n\nover.\n\nJERRY\nStolen?\n\nELAINE\n(Kramer enters the apartment) Someone\nleft the door\n\nopen. (it's clear that she means Kramer; she walks to the\n\nbathroom)\n\nJERRY\n(to Kramer) You left the door open?!\n\nKRAMER\nUh, Jer, well ya know, I was cookin'\nand I, I uh, I\n\ncame in to get this spatula...and I left the door open, 'cause\n\nI was gonna bring the spatula right back!\n\nJERRY\nWait, you left the lock open or the\ndoor open?\n\nKRAMER\n(bobs his head guiltily) The door.\n\nJERRY\nThe door? You left the door open?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well, I was gonna bring the spatula\nright back.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, and?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I got caught up... watching a\nsoap opera...(with\n\na broken voice) The Bold and the Beautiful\n\nJERRY\nSo the door was wide open?\n\nKRAMER\nWide open!\n\nJERRY\n(Elaine enters the living-room) And\nwhere were you?\n\nELAINE\nI was at Bloomingdale's...waiting for\nthe shower to\n\nheat up.\n\nKRAMER\nLook, Jerry, I'm sorry, I'm uh, you\nhave insurance,\n\nright buddy?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nKRAMER\n(looks shocked) How can you not have\ninsurance?\n\nJERRY\nBecause...I spent my money on the Clapgo\nD. 29, it's\n\nthe most impenetrable lock on the market today...it has only\n\nONE DESIGN FLAW\nthe door...(shuts the door) must be\nCLOSED.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry! I'm gonna find your stuff. I'm\ngonna solve it,\n\nI'm on the case, buddy, I'm on the case!\n\nJERRY\nYeah, don't investigate, don't pay me\nback, it was an\n\naccident.\n\nKRAMER\n(theatrical) I made a mistake.\n\nELAINE\n(idem) These things happen\n\nKRAMER\n(idem) I'm human\n\nJERRY\nIn your way.\n\n(Jerry's apartment. A policeman is filling out a\n\nreport. Jerry and Elaine are there.)\n\nPOLICEMAN\nLet's see, that's uh, one TV, a stereo,\none leather\n\njacket, a VCR and a computer...is that 'bout it?\n\nELAINE\nAnswering machine.\n\nJERRY\n(disappointed) Answering machine. Oh,\nI hate the idea\n\nof somebody out there returning my calls.\n\nPOLICEMAN\nWhat do ya mean?\n\nJERRY\nIt's a joke.\n\nPOLICEMAN\nI see...Well, mister Seinfeld uh, we'll\nlook into\n\nit and uh, we'll let you know if we uh, you know, if we find\n\nanything.\n\nJERRY\nYou ever find anything?\n\nPOLICEMAN\nNo. (hands Jerry his copy of the report)\n\nJERRY\nWell, thanks anyway.\n\nPOLICEMAN\nYou bet.\n\nELAINE\n(Policeman leaves the apartment, while\nGeorge enters)\n\nI didn't get that joke either.\n\nJERRY\nThe crook has the machine. The messages\naren't for him.\n\nHE'S THE CROOK\nwhy would he answer...(turns around\nand sees\n\nGeorge standing behind him) How did you get in here?\n\nGEORGE\n(makes some weird motions) I walked\nin, your lobby\n\ndoor is broken again.\n\nJERRY\nAgain.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know how you put up with this.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, tell'm George.\n\nJERRY\n(to Elaine) You would still wanna move\nin here?\n\nELAINE\nYes! You don't understand. I'm living\nwith Ethel\n\nMerman without the talent.\n\nJERRY\n(to George) Is that uh, other apartment\nstill\n\navailable. (George shows him the keys)\n\n(Comedy club.)\n\nJERRY\nI got ripped off for about the...18th\ntime? And now,\n\nthe first couple a times you go through it, it's very\n\nupsetting and your first reaction or one of your friends will\n\nSAY\n\"Call the police. You really should\ncall the police.\" So\n\n\"Yeah, I'm calling the police. Stakeouts, manhunts...I'm gonna\n\nsee some real action.\" Right, you think that. So, the police\n\nGIVE YOU\nyour copy. Now...unless they give the\ncrook his\n\ncopy, I don't really think we're gonna crack this case, do\n\nyou?...It's not like Batman, where there's three crooks in the\n\ncity and everybody pretty much knows, who they are. Very few\n\ncrooks even go to the trouble to come up with a theme for\n\ntheir careers anymore. It makes them a lot tougher to spot.\n\n\"Did you lose a sony? It could be the Penguin...I think we can\n\nround him up, he's dressed like a PENGUIN! We can find him,\n\nhe's a PENGUIN!\n\n(The apartment on 83rd street. George, Elaine and Jerry\n\nare entering the apartment.)\n\nELAINE\n(looks around) Oh, well, come on...this\nis an\n\napartment, this is a home! This is a place to live...Oohhh, a\n\nfireplace, are you kidding me! Does this work? (takes a closer\n\nlook at the fireplace)\n\nGEORGE\nI didn't know there was a fireplace.\nA fireplace, this\n\nis incredible.\n\nJERRY\nHow do you get all that wood in here?\n\nELAINE\nThey deliver it.\n\nJERRY\nThey deliver wood?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nWhatta ya tip a \"wood guy\"?\n\nGEORGE\n(looking intensively at the form with\nthe apartment\n\ndescription) I didn't know there was a fireplace?\n\nELAINE\nLook! Look at...look at this! There's\na garden.\n\nGEORGE\nA garden! I can't believe there's a\ngarden!\n\nJERRY\nWould I have to get a gardener?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, you can get a gardener.\n\nJERRY\nYou tip him?\n\nELAINE\nYou can.\n\nGEORGE\n(to Elaine) You don't tip a gardener!\n\nELAINE\nYou can tip a gardener.\n\nGEORGE\nYou don't need a gardener.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, you can barbecue back here (points\nto garden).\n\nJERRY\nThey deliver the coal?\n\nELAINE\nSure, it's...probably the same guy,\nwho delivers the\n\nwood.\n\nJERRY\nOh, than I gotta tip him.\n\nELAINE\nOh damn, this place is incredible, look\nat all this\n\ngreat light!\n\nJERRY\nI don't have any plants.\n\nGEORGE\nI have plants.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, look at this closet! Look at\nthis! I'm walking\n\nin it! (walks in the closet) It's a \"walk-in\". Can you believe\n\nit? I'm nuts about this, what do you think?!\n\nJERRY\n(closes the closet with Elaine still\nin it)...I like\n\nthat. (opens the closet, Elaine walks out with an angry look)\n\nWhat do ya think, George?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's your decision.\n\nJERRY\n(walks around with Elaine walking next\nto him, copying\n\nhis every move. Suddenly Jerry stops walking; Elaine is not\n\nable to copy this \"move\"; they look at each other laughing)\n\nI'm takin' it, I'm takin' the place, I'm gonna take it, this\n\nis gonna be my new place, I'm livin' here...I'm movin'.\n\nELAINE\n(laughing with joy) Your movin'? That\nmeans I'm\n\nmovin'. (hugs Jerry) Gheeeeee (runs to George) isn't that\n\nincredible!\n\nGEORGE\nCongratulations. (obviously not so thrilled\nby the\n\nfact)\n\n(Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Elaine are there.)\n\nELAINE\nWhat about the couch?\n\nJERRY\nYou like the couch? I'll tell ya what\nI'm gonna do.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nYou're movin' in, you're a good friend,\nI wanna start\n\nyou off on the right foot. Give me...$150 dollars. (Elaine\n\nlooks shocked, Jerry opens the door to the hall) Get it out a\n\nhere right now, take it out the door, I don't even wanna see\n\nit, go, get it out.\n\nELAINE\nA $150 dollars? A $150 dollars for what?\nFor this\n\ncouch?\n\nJERRY\nYeah!\n\nELAINE\nFor this couch?!\n\nJERRY\n(shuts the door) OK, you tell me, what\nis it worth?\n\nELAINE\nOK, uuhh...I'll tell you what...I could\ngo as high as\n\nuh... (takes a closer look at couch) I don't know, maybe...$20\n\ndollars?\n\nJERRY\n(has a \"you-can't-be-serious-look\" on\nhis face; the\n\napartment buzzer goes off; Jerry speaks over the intercom)\n\nYeah?\n\nGEORGE\n(outside over the intercom) Yeah, it's\nGeorge.\n\nJERRY\nCome on up. (opens the door; walks back\nto the couch)\n\nOh, all right, forget it, I'm gonna take it with me now...\n\n(picks up the cushions) I'm just gonna pack up the cushions\n\nright now...\n\nELAINE\nOK ok ok ok, you win: $40 dollars.\n\nJERRY\nYou wanna get the other end, 'cause\nI wanna get it in\n\nthe hall. (acts like he's going to lift up the couch)\n\nELAINE\n$50 dollars, OK? $50 dollars, is that\nall right?\n\nJERRY\n$50 dollars?\n\nELAINE\nUh-huh.\n\nJERRY\nThank you very much.\n\nELAINE\nThank you very much.\n\nGEORGE\n(walks in and closes the door) Hey,\nwhat's goin' on?\n\nELAINE\nI just bought Jerry's couch for $50\ndollars.\n\nJERRY\n(to George) So did you bring the lease?\n(George takes\n\nthe lease from his inside pocket and hands it to Jerry) All\n\nright, ghee, three years, that kinda seems like a long time.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry (said\nvery quickly),\n\nlisten, if, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this at\n\nALL, AT ALL\ndo not feel like you have to take it.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nGEORGE\nIf you're having second thoughts, if\nyou didn't want\n\nit,\n\ndon't worry about it because uh, ya know, I, I...I could take\n\nit, ya know. (said with a \"for-instance-look\" on his face)\n\nJERRY\nYou could take it? You want it?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I don't want it. I want it, if you\ndon't want it.\n\nJERRY\nSo you do want it.\n\nGEORGE\nNo I, I want it if you don't want it!\n\nJERRY\nYou just said, you wanted it!\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I'm saying, if a situation arose\nin which you\n\ndidn't want it, I might take it.\n\nJERRY\n(picks up the lease and hands it to\nGeorge) So take it.\n\nGEORGE\n(refuses to take the lease from Jerry;\nElaine looks\n\nworried) How can I take it?!\n\nJERRY\nHow can I take it?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's your apartment!\n\nJERRY\nHow can I want it now, if you want it?\n\nELAINE\nExcuse me, uuhh, I don't mean to cause\nany trouble\n\nhere, but George, if you take it, can I take your place?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, but I am not taking it.\n\nJERRY\nI...am not taking it. (drops the lease\ndemonstratively)\n\nELAINE\nWell, one of you better damn well take\nit!\n\nJERRY\nWell, whatta you wanna do here?\n\nGEORGE\nI, I don't know. (makes a gesture, that\nhe doesn't\n\nknow)\n\nJERRY\nDo you wanna flip a coin?\n\nGEORGE\n...Who flips?...You'll flip, I'll call.\n\nJERRY\nOK, fine...(takes a coin from his pocket)\nThis is the\n\nofficial flip! No crying, no guilt, winner takes all and\n\nthat's it, agreed?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm good.\n\nELAINE\nI don't know, who to rune for, George's\nplace has\n\ncarpeting.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, now you call it in the air.\n\nGEORGE\nNo catchin'.\n\nJERRY\nNo no.\n\nGEORGE\nFlip it. (Jerry flips the coin) Heads!\n(the coin hits\n\nthe table. It falls on the floor; they all look intently at\n\nthe coin)\n\nJERRY\nTails!\n\nGEORGE\nNo, it hit the table, it hit the table.\n\nJERRY\nSo what?\n\nGEORGE\nINTERFERENCE! YOU CAN'T COUNT THAT.\nCOME ON, ARE YOU\n\nCRAZY?!! THE COIN CAN NOT TOUCH ANYTHING, it affects it.\n\nJERRY\nYou didn't call no interference!\n\nGEORGE\nYOU DON'T HAVE TO CALL THAT. THAT'S\nA RULE!!\n\nJERRY\nI don't believe this.\n\nGEORGE\nOh oh oh, all right, fine, Jerry, you\nwin. Take it,\n\njust take it!\n\nJERRY\nI don't wanna win it like this! Elaine,\nwhat do ya\n\nthink?\n\nELAINE\nI'd better not...\n\nJERRY\n...Well, I'll tell ya what: I'll choose\nyou for it.\n\nStraight choose, three takes it, no disputes...that's it, you\n\ngotta win three.\n\nGEORGE\nOK (they walk around each other)...OK.\nI'll choose\n\nyou...whatta ya want?\n\nJERRY\nOdds\n\nGEORGE\nI want evens.\n\nJERRY\nGood.\n\nGEORGE\nYou got odds.\n\nJERRY You got evens.\n\nGEORGE\nRight, ready.\n\nJERRY\nFor the apartment. (they take their\n\"choose positions\")\n\nBOTH\nOnce, twice, three, shoot!\n\nJERRY\nMine!\n\nBOTH\nOnce, twice, three, shoot!\n\nJERRY\nMine! (George walks to the table to\ntake a break)\n\nBOTH\n(they take their positions again) Once,\ntwice, three,\n\nshoot!\n\nGEORGE\nMine!\n\nBOTH\nOnce, twice, three, shoot!\n\nGEORGE\n(Jerry wins, Elaine starts measuring\nup Jerry's couch)\n\nCongratulations...congratulations.\n\nJERRY\nThanks. (George walks to the bathroom)\n\nGEORGE\n(screaming in bathroom) WHAT DID I PUT\nUP TO? WHAT DID\n\nI PUT UP TO?\n\nKRAMER\n(enters the apartment \"Kramer-style\")\nJerry, I think\n\nI'm on to something. I think I found your stuff. You know the\n\nEnglishman, who lives down the hall?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\nThe last couple a days he's been acting\nvery strange;\n\nI think he's avoiding me.\n\nJERRY\nHard to imagine. (ironically)\n\nKRAMER\nYeah! And get this: I just got of the\nelevator with\n\nhim and I tested him, I tested him, like I...this is what I\n\nsaid to him, like I, I was like this (shows how he was acting\n\nstuff.\"\n\nJERRY\nRight.\n\nKRAMER\nYa know, very casually, so that he was\ngonna take me\n\nin to his confidence.\n\nELAINE\nSo what did he say?\n\nKRAMER\n\"What stuff?\".\n\nJERRY\nOoh, case closed! (ironically)\n\nKRAMER\nNo, you don't understand, you see, he\nswallowed...see,\n\nthe guy, he swallowed. Oh, he was nervous about something!\n\nNow, I'm gonna go over there, I'm gonna borrow some tee...if\nI\n\ndon't get back in five minutes, maybe you'd better call the\n\npolice.\n\nJERRY\nOK, starting (looks at his watch)...NOW!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah! (said in his own typical way and\nhe runs off)\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nOne of the problems in life is that\nwhen you're a kid,\n\nyou have a certain way of working out disagreements...and\n\nthose laws do not work in the adult world. One of the main way\n\nthat kids resolve any dispute is by calling it. One of them\n\nSAY\n\"I got the front seat\" (other kid's\nvoice) \"I wanted the\n\nfront seat!\" (first kid again) \"I called it\". And the other\n\ncalled it, what can I do?\". If there was a \"kid-court of law\"\n\nIT HOLDS UP\n(lawyer's voice) \"Your Honour, my client\ndid ask\n\nit?\" (lawyer's voice again) \"Well no, he didn't call...\" BANG!\n\n(imitating a hammer being hit by the judge); (judges voice\n\nagain) \"He has to call it, case closed...objection overruled\".\n\n(Coffee house, called Monk's; Jerry is sitting at a\n\ntable, George is returning from the bathroom)\n\nGEORGE\n(walks towards the table) I love the\nmirror in that\n\nin that mirror. (sits down) I don't know if it's the tile or\n\nthe lighting...I feel like Robert Wagner.\n\nJERRY\n(bobs his head) It's a good mirror...(both\nlook at\n\ntheir menus) So, what are ya gettin'?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know, I can't eat, ya, ya can't\nhave anything\n\nFRENCH FRIES\nout, BLT: out!...I go to visit my grandparents:\n\nthree big brisket sandwiches, I'm sittin' here with a carrot!\n\nyou eat that stuff?!\"...(they look at their menus again) I'm\n\nso sick about losin' that choose, you don't know.\n\nJERRY\nOh, right, forget it, forget it, I'm\nnot taking the\n\nplace!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?!\n\nJERRY\nHow can I live there?\n\nGEORGE\nWhy not?!\n\nJERRY\nLook at you, you're still thinking about\nit, I'll never\n\nfeel comfortable.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, get out a here.\n\nJERRY\nHow can I ever have you over? You'll\nsit there moping.\n\nGEORGE\nMope?\n\nJERRY\nYou're already moping!...Would you take\nthe place?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, impossible! It's your apartment.\n\nJERRY\nYou found the place.\n\nGEORGE\nYou won the choose.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, forget it, it's over, I'm\nnot moving.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, me neither.\n\nJERRY\nDefinitely?\n\nGEORGE\nDefinitely.\n\nJERRY\nOh, than just get rid of it. You won't\nhave any\n\nproblem.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, it's not a problem, I can get rid\nof the apartment\n\nthis afternoon. (a waitress approaches)\n\nWAITRESS\nWhat apartment?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, it's a great place, it's uh \"two-bedroom\"\nuh, west\n\n83rd 'bout half block from the park.\n\nWAITRESS\nWhat's the rent?\n\n(The apartment on 83rd street. The waitress bought it;\n\nJerry, Elaine and George are invited, they're sitting on a\n\ncouch, all three moping)\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know, what we're doin' here,\nthis is\n\nridiculous.\n\nJERRY\nShe wanted to thank us for the apartment.\n(very\n\nirritated)\n\nELAINE\nI can't believe I lost the deposit on\nthat u-hall. (I\n\ncan't quite understand what she'd saying here)And I threw out\n\nmy couch. (She slaps Jerry on the leg)\n\nJERRY\nIf only the coin hadn't hit the table.\n\nGEORGE\nThe table is interference, you know\nit!\n\nJERRY\nIt is not!\n\nGEORGE\nIt is too!\n\nELAINE\nMy roommate starts rehearsal tonight\non Carrousel.\n\n(irritated)\n\nWAITRESS\nHi.\n\nGEORGE\nHi, Carol.\n\nCAROL\nI just wanted to introduce you to my\nhusband, this is\n\nLarry (points to her husband; Jerry, Elaine and George get\n\nup). This is George, Elaine and Jerry (points to them) (to\n\nLarry) These are the guys who got us the apartment.\n\nLARRY\nOh, you don't know how grateful I am,\nif there's\n\nanything I can ever do to repay you, I, I mean, we're just so\n\nthrilled with this place.\n\nCAROL\nIt's a dream.\n\nLARRY\nI'm running in the park now, I've lost\nweight, we're\n\nbarbecuing every night and the rent is unbelievable.\n\nGEORGE\nWe're really glad for ya. (very sadly)\n\nELAINE\nCouldn't be happier. (idem)\n\nJERRY\nIt's wonderful. (idem; they sit down\nagain)\n\nCAROL\nDiane, Diane, come here. (she beckons\na women; she\n\ncomes to the couch) This is my new next door neighbour, Diane.\n\n(Jerry, Elaine and George get up; Diane appears to be very\n\nattractive) (to Diane) These are the guys, who turned this\n\nplace down, can you believe it? (to Jerry, George and Elaine)\n\nDiane gave me the greatest backrub today, she's a masseuse!\n\nDIANE\nHow, how could you guys have turned\nthis place down,\n\nit's such a great location and it's...so close to the park.\n\nGEORGE\nWe're aware of the proximity to the\npark, yes.\n\nDIANE\nWell, it was nice to meet you. (she\nwalks away)\n\nGEORGE\nNice meeting you. (shakes Carol's hand;\nthey sit down\n\nagain; Carol walks away)\n\nJERRY\nHow late are the stores open? I'm thinking\nof maybe uh,\n\nbuying a new TV and smash it over my head. (two men are\n\nstanding behind the couch talking)\n\nRIGHT MAN\nI get a call from Gilmore this morning\nand get\n\nTHIS\nthey're restructuring the organization\nin Atlanta and I\n\ngotta be there on the first of the month.\n\nLEFT MAN\nReally? What are you gonna 'bout the\napartment?\n\nRIGHT GUY\nWell, what can I do? Give it up.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-Male-Unbonding.html",
    "text": "MALE UNBONDING\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David & Jerry Seinfeld\n\n(Nightclub)\n\nJERRY\nMost men like working on things, tools,\nobjects, fixing things. This is what\nmen enjoy doing. Have you ever noticed\na guy's out in his driveway working\non\n\nsomething with tools, how all the other men in the neighborhood\nare magnetically drawn to this activity. They just come wandering\nout of the house like zombies.\n\nMen, it's true, men hear a drill, it's like a dog whistle. Just..\nyou know, they go running up to that living room curtain, \"Honey,\nI think Jim's working on something over\n\nthere.\" So they run over to the guy. Now they don't actually\nhelp the guy. No, they just want to hang around the area where\nwork is being done. That's what men\n\nwant to do. We want to watch the guy, we want to talk to him,\nwe want to ask him dumb questions. You know, \"What are you using,\nthe Philips head?\" You know,\n\nwe feel involved. That's why when they have construction sites,\nthey have to have those wood panel fences around it, that's just\nto keep the men out. They cut those\n\nlittle holes for us so we can see what the hell is going on.\nBut if they don't cut those holes - we are climbing those fences.\nRight over there. \"What are you using the\n\nsteel girders down there? Yeah, that'll hold.\"\n\n(Jerry's apartment building)\n\n(Jerry and George are waiting for the elevator)\n\nGEORGE\nI had to say something. I had to say\nsomething. Everything was going so well;\nI had to say something.\n\nJERRY\nI don't think you did anything wrong.\n\nGEORGE\nI told her I liked her. Why? Why did\nI tell her I like her? I have this sick\ncompulsion to tell women how I feel.\nI like you I don't tell you.\n\nJERRY\nWe can only thank God for that.\n\n(Elevator opens, they get on)\n\nGEORGE\nI'm outta the picture. I am outta the\npicture. (laughs) It's only a matter\nof time now.\n\nJERRY\nYou're imagining this. Really.\n\nGEORGE\nOh no. No, no, no, no.\n\n(elevator doors close)\n\nGEORGE\nI'll tell you when it happened. When\nthat floss came flying out of my pocket.\n\nJERRY\nWhat floss? When?\n\nGEORGE\nWe were in the lobby during the intermission\nof the play. I was buying her one of\nthose containers of orange drink, for\nfive dollars. I reached into my\n\npocket to pay for it, I looked down; there's this piece of green\nfloss hanging from my fingers.\n\nJERRY\nAh, mint.\n\nGEORGE\nOf course. So, I'm looking at it, I\nlook up, I see she's looking at it.\nOur eyes lock. It was a horrible moment.\nI just..\n\n(eleveator doors open, they get off)\n\nJERRY\nSo let me get this straight: she saw\nthe floss, you panicked and you told\nher you liked her.\n\nGEORGE\nIf I didn't put that floss in my pocket,\nI'd be crawling around her bedroom right\nnow looking for my glasses.\n\nJERRY\nAnd you're sure the floss was the catalyst?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, I am.\n\nJERRY\n(looks at a carrying pouch George is\nwearing) You don't think it might've\nhad anything to do with that?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat? You don't like this?\n\nJERRY\nIt looks like your belt is digesting\na small animal.\n\n(they go into Jerry's apartment to find Kramer talking on the\nphone)\n\nKRAMER\nOh, they've got a cure for cancer. See,\nit's all big business.. Oh hey, Jerry\njust walked in. Hi, George. (resumes\ntalking on the phone) Yeah, yeah yeah,\n\nyeah, take my number - 555-8643. Okay, here he is. (hands phone\nto Jerry.)\n\nJERRY\n(to Kramer) Who is it?\n\nKRAMER\nTake it.\n\nJERRY\nWho is it?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's for you.\n\nJERRY\n(into phone) Hello? Oh, hi Joel. (Jerry\nhits Kramer with a magazine.) .. No.\nI was out of town. I just got back..\nKramer doesn't know anything.. He's\njust\n\nmy next-door neighbor. Uh.. nothing much.. Tuesday? Uh, Tuesday,\nno. I'm meeting somebody.. Uh, Wednesday? Wednesday's okay..\nAlright. Uh, I'm a little busy\n\nright now. Can we talk Wednesday morning? .. Okay.. yeah.. right..\nthanks.. bye. (hangs up, then addresses Kramer) Why did you put\nme on the phone with him? I\n\nhate just being handed a phone.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, it's your phone. He wanted to\ntalk to you\n\nJERRY\nMaybe I didn't want to talk to him.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, why not?\n\nJERRY\nHe bothers me. I don't even answer the\nphone anymore because of him. He's turned\nme into a screener. Now I gotta go see\nhim on Wednesday.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat do you mean Wednesday? I though\nwe had tickets to the Knick game Wednesday.\nWe got seats behind the bench! What\nhappened? We're not\n\ngoing?\n\nJERRY\nWe're going. That's next Wednesday.\n\nGEORGE\nOh. Who is this guy?\n\nJERRY\nHis name is Joel Horneck. He lived like\nthree houses down from me when I grew\nup. He had a Ping Pong table. We were\nfriends. Should I suffer the rest of\n\nmy life because I like to play Ping Pong? I was ten. I would've\nbeen friends with Stalin if he had a Ping Pong table.. he's so\nself-involved.\n\n(phone rings, Kramer pulls his phone out of his pocket)\n\nKRAMER\nThat's for me. (into phone) Kramerica\nIndustries.. Oh, hi, Mark.. No, no,\nno. Forget that. I got a better idea.\nA pizza place where you make your own\n\npie.\n\nJERRY\nCan you conduct your business elsewhere?\n\nKRAMER\n(ignoring Jerry) No, no, no. I'm talking\nabout a whole chain of 'em. Yeah. (Kramer\nleaves Jerry's apartment while still\non the phone.)\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know why you even bother with\nthis ping pong guy, I'll tell you that.\n\nJERRY\nI don't bother with him. He's been calling\nme for seven years. I've never called\nhim once! He's got the attention span\nof a five-year-old. Sometimes I sit\n\nthere and I make up things just to see if he's paying attention.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't understand why you spend time\nwith this guy.\n\nJERRY\nWhat can I do? Break up with him? Tell\nhim \"I Don't think we're right for each\nother..\" He's a guy. At least with a\nwoman, there's a precendent. You know,\n\nthe relationship goes sour, you end it.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no, no,no you have to approach this\nas if he was a woman.\n\nJERRY\nJust break up with him?\n\nGEORGE\nAbsolutely. You just tell him the truth.\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Nightclub)\n\nJERRY\nAs a guy I don't know how I can break\nup with another guy. You know what I\nmean? I don't know how to say, \"Bill,\nI feel I need to see other men.\" Do\n\nyou know what I mean? There's nothing I can do. I have to wait\nfor someone to die. I think that's the only way out of this relationship.\nIt could be a long time. See,\n\nthe great thing about guys is that we can become friends based\non almost nothing. Just two guys will just become friends just\nbecause they're two guys. That's almost\n\nall we need to have in common. 'Cause sports - sports and women\n- is really all we talk about. If there was no sports and no\nwomen the only thing guys would ever\n\nsay is \"So, what's in the refrigerator?\"\n\n(Coffee Shop)\n\n(Jerry and Joel are sitting at a table)\n\nJOEL\n..so my shrink wants me to bring my\nmother in for a session. This guy is\na brilliant man. Lenny Bruce used to\ngo to him.. and I think, uh, Geraldo.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, I read the Lenny Bruce biography,\nI thought it was really - interesting..\nhe would-\n\nJOEL\n(interrupting) Hey, hey, hey, hey we're\nstarving here! We've been waiting here\nfor ten minutes already!\n\nJERRY\n(testing Joel) So, I'm thinking about\ngoing to Iran this summer.\n\nJOEL\nI have to eat! I mean, I'm hypoglycemic.\n\nJERRY\nAnyway, the Hizballah has invited me\nto perform. You know, it's their annual\nterrorist luncheon. I'm gonna do it\nis Farsi.\n\nJOEL\nDo you think I need a haircut?\n\n(waitress comes to their table)\n\nWAITRESS\nAre you ready?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I'll have the egg salad on whole\nwheat.\n\nJOEL\nLet me ask you a question. This, uh,\nthis turkey sandwich here, is that real\nturkey, or is it a turkey roll? I don't\nwant that processed turkey. I hate it.\n\nWAITRESS\nI think it's real turkey.\n\nJOEL\nIs there a real bird in the back?\n\nWAITRESS\nNo, there's not bird but-\n\nJOEL\nWell, how do you know for sure? Look,\nwhy don't you do me a favor. Why don't\nyou go in the back and find out, okay?\n\n(waitress leaves)\n\nJOEL\n(cont.) Unbelievable..\n\nJERRY\nHow can you talk to someone like that?\n\nJOEL\nWhat are you saying? What, you like\nturkey roll?\n\nJERRY\nListen, Joel. There's something I have\nto tell you.\n\nJOEL\nWait, you'll never guess who I ran into.\n\nJERRY AND JOEL\nHoward metro.\n\nJOEL\nHe asked me if I still saw you. I said,\n\"Sure, I see him all the time. We're\ngreat friends.\" Anyway, Howard says\nhello.\n\nJERRY\n..listen, Joel.. I don't think we should\nsee each other anymore.\n\nJOEL\nwhat?\n\nJERRY\nThis friendship.. it's not working.\n\nJOEL\nNot working? What are you talking about?\n\nJERRY\nWe're just not suited to be friends.\n\nJOEL\nHow can you say that?\n\nJERRY\nLook, you're a nice guy, it's just that\n- we don't have anything in common.\n\nJOEL\n(starting to cry) Wait. Wat did I do?\nTell me.. I want to know.\n\nJERRY\nYou didn't do anything. It's not you,\nit's me. It's.. this is very difficult.\n\nJOEL\nLook, I know I call you too much, right?\nI mean, I know you're a very busy guy.\n\nJERRY\nNo, it's not that.\n\nJOEL\n(crying) You're one of the few people\nI can talk to.\n\nJERRY\nOh, come on. That's not true.\n\nJOEL\nI always tell everybody about you; tell\neverybody to go see your show. I mean,\nI'm your biggest fan!\n\nJERRY\nI know, I know.\n\nJOEL\nI mean, you're my best friend.\n\nJERRY\nBest friend? I've never been to your\napartment.\n\nJOEL\nI cannot believe that this is happening.\nI can't believe it.\n\nJERRY\nOkay, okay. Forget it. It's okay. Id\ndidn't mean it.\n\nJOEL\nDidn't mean what?\n\nJERRY\nWhat I said. I've been under a lot of\nstress.\n\nJOEL\nOh, you've been under a lot of stress.\n\nJERRY\nJust, can we just forget the whole thing\never happend? I'm sorry. I din't mean\nit. I took it out on you. We're still\nfriends. We're still friends. Still\nfriends.\n\nOkay? Look, I'll tell you what. I've got Knick tickets this Wednesday.\nGreat seats behind the bench. You want to come with me? Come\non.\n\nJOEL\nTonight?\n\nJERRY\nNo, next Wednesday. If it was tonight,\nI would've said tonight.\n\nJOEL\nDo you really want me to go?\n\nJERRY\n(faking) Yes.\n\nJOEL\nOkay. yeah, okay. Great! That would\nbe, that'd be great.. so, next Wednesday.\n\nJERRY\nNext Wednesday.\n\nJOEL\nWhere is that waitress?! Hey! ..\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Bank)\n\n(Jerry is at the counter, filling out a slip; George is carrying\na jug full of pennies.)\n\nGEORGE\n..she calls me up at my office, she\nsays, \"We have to talk.\"\n\nJERRY\nUh, the four worst words in the English\nlanguage.\n\nGEORGE\nThat, or \"Who's bra is this?\"\n\nJERRY\nThat is worse.\n\nGEORGE\nSo we order lunch, and we're talking.\nFinally, she blurts out how it's \"not\nworking\".\n\nJERRY\nReally.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, I'm thinking, as she's saying this,\nI'm thinking: great, the relationship's\nover. But the egg salad's on the way.\nSo now I have a decision - do I walk\nor\n\ndo I eat?\n\nJERRY\nHm? You ate.\n\nGEORGE\nWe sat there for twenty minutes, chewing,\nstaring at each other in a defunct relationship.\n\nJERRY\nSomeone says, \"Get out of my life!\"\nand that doesn't affect your appetite?\n\nGEORGE\nHave you ever had their egg salad?\n\nJERRY\nIt is unbelievable.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's unbelievable. You know what else\nis unbelievable? I picked up the check.\nShe didn't even offer. She ended it.\nThe least she could do is send me off\n\nwith a sandwich.\n\nJERRY\n(looking at George's penny jug) How\nmuch could you possibly have in there?\nGEORGE: It's my money. What should I\ndo? Throw it out the window? I\n\nknow guy who took his vacation on change.\n\nJERRY\nYeah? Where'd he go? To and arcade?\n\nGEORGE\n(sarcastic) That's funny. You're a funny\nguy.\n\nJERRY\nC'mon, move up.\n\n(George moves up in the bank line)\n\nCUSTOMER\nOh great, Ewing's hurt.\n\nGEORGE\nEwing's hurt? How long is he going to\nbe out?\n\nCUSTOMER\nA couple of days at the most but..\n\nGEORGE\nGeez.\n\nJERRY\nOh, God.\n\nGEORGE\nI got scared there for a second. The\nKnicks without Ewing.\n\nJERRY\nListen, George, little problem with\nthe game.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about it?\n\nJERRY\nThe thing is, yesterday, I kind of..\nuh..\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nI geve your ticket to Horneck.\n\nGEORGE\nYou what?!\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I'm sorry. I had to give it to\nHorneck.\n\nGEORGE\nNo! My ticket?! You gave my ticket to\nHorneck?\n\nJERRY\n(talking about the line) C'mon, c'mon,\ngo ahead, move up.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy did you give him my ticket for?\n\nJERRY\nYou didn't see him. It was horrible.\n\nGOERGE\nOh, c'mon, Jerry. I can't believe this.\n\nJERRY\nI had to do it.\n\n(George is up to the teller, Jerry goes to another one.)\n\nGEORGE\nOh, please. (to the teller) Can you\nchange this into bills?\n\nTELLER\nI'm sorry, sir. We can't do that.\n\nJERRY\nDo you want to go with him? You go.\nI don't mind.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm not going with him. I don't even\nknow the guy. (to the teller) Look,\nthey did this for me before.\n\nTELLER\nLook, I can give you these and you can\nroll them yourself.\n\nGEORGE\nYou want me to roll six thousand of\nthese?! What, should I quit my job?!\n\n(Scene ends.)\n\n(Nightclub)\n\nJERRY\nI do not like the bank. I've heard the\nexpression \"Laughing all the way to\nthe bank.\" I have never seen anyone\nactually doing it. And those bank lines.\nI hate\n\nit when there's nobody on the line at all, you know that part,\nyou go to the bank, it's empty and you still have to go through\nthe little maze. \"Can you get a little piece\n\nof cheese for me? I'm almost at the front. I'd like a reward\nfor this please.\"\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(George is stuffing pennies into rolls.)\n\nGEORGE\n..Thirty-two, thirty-three-\n\nJERRY\nGeorge.\n\nGEORGE\n(raises his hand) Not now.. (counts\nto himself).\n\nJERRY\nCould you stop the counting?\n\nGEORGE\nNnnnnnnninngaaa! (Dumping out roll)\nWhat?!\n\nJERRY\nCan I make it up to you? I'll give you\nfifty bucks for the jug.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, yeah, sure. Keep your money.\n\nJERRY\nWell, then I'm not going to the game\neither. Okay? I'll give him both tickets.\n\nGEORGE\n(pantomimes sticking an imaginary knife\nin his heart, and twists it) Oh geeeee..\nGo, go!\n\nJERRY\nI.. no, I don't want to go.\n\nGEORGE\nHe was really crying?\n\nJERRY\nI had to give him a tissue. In fact,\nlet me call his machine now and I'll\njust make up some excuse why I can't\ngo to the game either.\n\nGEORGE\nWait a minute. Wait a minute. As long\nas you're going to lie to the guy, why\ndon't you tell him that you lost both\nof the tickets, then we could go?\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, the man wept.\n\n(Kramer enters.)\n\nKRAMER\nOh, hey guys. Man, I'm telling you.\nThis pizza idea, is really going to\nhappen.\n\nGEORGE\nThis is the thing where you go and you\nhave to make your own pizza?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, we give you the dough, you smash\nit, you pound it, you fling it in the\nair; and then you get to put your sauce\nand you get to sprinkle your cheese,\n\nand they - you slide it into the oven.\n\nGOERGE\nYou know, you have to know how to do\nthat. You can't have people shoving\ntheir arms into a six-hundred degree\noven.\n\nKRAMER\nIt's all supervised.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, well.\n\nKRAMER\nAll of it. You want to invest?\n\nGEORGE\nMy money's all tied up in change right\nnow.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, I'm tellin' ya, people, they really\nwant to make their own pizza pie.\n\nJERRY\nI have to say something. With all due\nrespect, I just never.. I can't imagine\nanyone in any walk of life, under any\ncircumstance, wanting to make their\nown\n\npizza pie.. but that's me.\n\nKRAMER\nThat's you.\n\nJERRY\nI'm just saying..\n\nKRAMER\nOkay, okay. I just wanted to check with\nyou guys.\n\nJERRY\nOkay.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, this business is going to\nbe big. I just wanted .. okay. (he exits\nquickly, then sticks his head back through\nthe door) One day, you'll beg me to\n\nmake your own pie. (he leaves)\n\n(Jerry dials up Joel)\n\nJERRY\nHi, Joel. This is Jerry. I hope you\nget this before you - Oh, Hi. Joel..\noh, you just came in.. listen, I can't\namke it to the game tonight. I, uh,\nhave to tutor my\n\nnephew - Yeah, he's got an exam tomarrow.. geometry.. you know,\ntrapezoids, rhombus.. Anyway, listen, you take the tickets. They're\nat the Will-Call window..\n\nAnd I'm really sorry.. Have a good time. We'll talk next week.\nOkay.. yeah, I don't.. fine.. fine.. bye. (he hangs up).\n\nGEORGE\nTrapezoid?\n\nJERRY\nI know. I'm really running out of excuses\nwith this guy. I need some kind of excuse\nRolodex.\n\n(Scene ends.)\n\n(Jerry's apartment, night time)\n\nELAINE\nCome on, let's go do something. I don't\nwant to just sit around here.\n\nJERRY\nOkay.\n\nELAINE\nWant to go get something to eat?\n\nJERRY\nWhere do you want to go?\n\nELAINE\nI don't care, I'm not hungry.\n\nJERRY\nWe could go to one of those cappuccino\nplaces. They let you just sit there.\n\nELAINE\nWhat are we gonna do there? Talk?\n\nJERRY\nWe can talk.\n\nELAINE\nI'll go if I don't have to talk.\n\nJERRY\nWe'll just sit there.\n\nELAINE\nOkay. I'm gonna check my machine first.\n\n(Elaine sees a pad by the phone, and starts reading it.)\n\nELAINE\n(cont.) \"Picking someone up at the airport.\"\n\"Jury Duty.\" \"Waiting for cable guy.\"\n\nJERRY\nOkay, just ahnd that over, please.\n\nELAINE\nOh, what is this?\n\nJERRY\nIt's a list of excuses, it's for that\nguy, Horneck, who's at the game tonight\nwith my tickets. I have that list now\nso in case he calls, I just consult\nit and i don't\n\nhave to see him. (Elaine laughs.) I need it. (Elaine starts writing\non the list.) What are you doing?\n\nELAINE\nI got some for you.\n\nJERRY\nI don't need anymore.\n\nELAINE\nNo, no, no, no, no, these are good.\nListen, listen: \"You ran out of underwear,\nyou can't leave the house.\"\n\nJERRY\n(sarcastic) Very funny.\n\nELAINE\nHow about: \"You've been diagnosed as\na multiple personality, you're not even\nyou, you're Dan.\"\n\nJERRY\nI'm Dan. Can I have my list back, please?\n\nELAINE\n(gives Jerry the list) Here, here. Jerry\nSeinfeld, I cannot believe you're doing\nthis. This is absolutely infantile.\n\nJERRY\nWhat can I do?\n\nELAINE\nDeal with it. Be a man!\n\nJERRY\nOh no. That's impossible. I'd rather\nlie to him for the rest of my life that\ngo through that again. He was crying,\ntears accompanied by mucus.\n\nELAINE\nYou made a man cry? I've never made\na man cry. I even kicked a guy in the\ngroin once and he didn't cry.. I got\nthe cab.\n\nJERRY\nA couple of touch monkeys.\n\n(Elaine laughs, Kramer enters.)\n\nKRAMER\nOh, hi Elaine, hey. (to Jerry) Hey,\nyou missed a great game tonight, buddy!\n\nJERRY\nGame?\n\nKRAMER\nKnock game. Horneck took me. We were\nsitting two rows behind the bench. We\nwere getting hit by sweat!\n\nJERRY\nWait. How does Horneck know you?\n\nKRAMER\nLast week. When I, you know, game you\nthe phone. He's really into my pizza\nplace idea!\n\nJERRY\nThis is too much.\n\nELAINE\nWait, what pizza place idea?\n\nJERRY\nOh, no.\n\nKRAMER\nYou make your own pie!\n\nELAINE\nOh, that sounds like a great idea. It\nwould be fun.\n\nJOEL\n(from the hallway.)Kramer..\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nPerfect.\n\n(Horneck enters.)\n\nJOEL\nHey..\n\nKRAMER\nOkay, who wants meatloaf?\n\nJERRY AND ELAINE\nNo thanks.\n\nKRAMER\n(to Joel) It's gonna be hot in a minute.\n(exits)\n\nJOEL\nSo, I though you were tutoring your\nnephew?\n\nJERRY\nOh, we finished early.\n\nJOEL\nUhm, I'll bet. So, are you going to\nintroduce me to your - nephew?\n\nJERRY\nElaine Benes, this is Joel Horneck.\n\nELAINE\nHi.\n\nJOEL\nWhoa, Nelson! This is Elaine? I though\nyou guys split?\n\nJERRY\nWe're still friends.\n\nJOEL\nSo, thanks again for those tickets.\nBut next week, I'm going to take you.\nYou about next Tuesday night? (to Elaine)\nAnd why don't you come along?\n\nELAINE\nOh, no, no. Tuesday's no good becasue\nwe've got choir practice.\n\nJERRY\nRight. I forgot about choir.\n\nELAINE\nWe're doing that evening of Eastern\nEuropean National Anthems.\n\nJERRY\nRight. You know, the wall being down\nand everything.\n\nJOEL\n(to Jerry) What about Thursday night?\nI mean they're playing the Sonics.\n\n(Jerry shakes his head.)\n\nELAINE\nHuh... Thursday is not good because\nwe've got to get to the hospital to\nsee if we qualify as those organ donors.\n\nJOEL\nYou know, I should really try something\nlike that.\n\nJERRY\nYou really should.\n\nJOEL\nWell, let's just take a look here. (looks\nat his schedule) Forty-one home games.\nSaturday night we've got the mavericks.\nIf you don't like the Mavericks, next\n\nTuesday - Lakers. I mean, you gotta like Magic, right? Let's\nsee, on the road, on the road, on the road, on the road, back\non the fourteenth. They play the Bulls.\n\nYou can't miss Air Jordan..\n\n(Scene ends.)\n\n(Nightclub)\n\nJERRY\nYou know, I really.. I've come to the\nconclusion that there are certain friends\nin you life that they're just always\nyour friends and you have to accept\nit. You\n\nsee them, you don't really want to see them. You don't call them.\nThey call you. You don't call back. They call again. The only\nway to get through talking with people\n\nthat you don't really have anything in common with is to pretend\nyou're hosting your own little talk show. This is what I do.\nYou pretend there's a little desk around\n\nyou. The only problem with this is there's no way you can say,\n\"Hey, it's been great having you on the show. Were out of time.\"\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Stock-Tip.html",
    "text": "THE STOCK TIP\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David & Jerry Seinfeld\n\n(Nightclub)\n\nJERRY\nWent out to dinner the other night.\nCheck came at the end of the meal, as\nit always does. Never liked the check\nat the end of the meal system, because\n\nmoney's a very different thing before and after you eat. Before\nyou eat money has no value. And you don't care about money when\nyou're hungry, you sit down at a\n\nrestaurant. You're like the ruler of an empire. \"More drinks,\nappetizers, quickly, quickly! It will be the greatest meal of\nour lives.\" Then after the meal, you know,\n\nyou've got the pants open, you've got the napkins destroyed,\ncigarette butt in the mashed potatoes - then the check comes\nat that moment. People are always upset,\n\nyou know. They're mystified by the check. \"What is this? How\ncould this be?\" They start passing it around the table, \"Does\nthis look right to you? We're not hungry\n\nnow. Why are we buying all this food?!\"\n\nI think Superman probably has a very\ngood sense of humor.\n\nGEORGE\nI never heard him say anything really\nfunny.\n\nJERRY\nBut it's common sense. He's got super\nstrength, super speed.. I'm sure he's\ngot super humor.\n\nGEORGE\nYou would think that, but either you're\nborn with a sense of humor, or you're\nnot. It's not going to change even if\nyou go from the red sun of Krypton all\n\nthe way to the yellow sun of the Earth.\n\nJERRY\nWhy? Why would that one area of his\nmind not be affected by the yellow sun\nof Earth?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know but he ain't funny.\n\n(Elaine joins them, they check their watches.)\n\nELAINE\nI know, I know. I'm sorry I'm late.\n\nJERRY\nNo problem.\n\nELAINE\nI dropped a grape.\n\nGEORGE\nPardon?\n\nELAINE\nI dropped a grape in the kitchen and\nit disappeared. I couldn't find it.\nI was... I was literally on my knees\nfor ten minutes looking for this stupid\ngrape. I\n\nhave no idea where it went.\n\nJERRY\nWere you crying? I mean, it's just a\ngrape. You'll find it.\n\nELAINE\nNo, I'm just getting over an allergy\nattack. This guy I'm going out with\n-\n\nJERRY\nRobert.\n\nELAINE\nRobert. Yes.. thank you. He has two\ncats and I'm allergic to them. You know,\nI finally meet a normal man, and I can't\neven go into his apartment, you\n\nknow. And, of course, my apartment is the actor's studio so we\ncan't go there. It's really causing a lot of problems, you know.\nHe won't even go away fro the\n\nweekend because of these cats.\n\nGEORGE\nGuys with cats.. I don't know.\n\nJERRY\nI've been thinking about asking this\ngirl I'm, uh, seeing -\n\nELAINE\nVanessa.\n\nJERRY\nVanessa, thank you.. I've been thinking\nabout asking her to go away for a couple\nof days.\n\nGEORGE\nOh no. No, no,no,no,no. I'd have to\nadvise against that. What do you know\nthis woman, a month? Let's see, you're\ngoing to be with her seventy-two\n\nhours. That's a dating decathlon.\n\nELAINE\n(balancing a spoon on her nose) Hey,\nwhy don't you take her to that place\nin Vermont I was telling you about?\nYou know, that really charming place\nwith\n\nthe separate faucets for the hot and cold. She'll love it.\n\nGEORGE\n(To Elaine) That's exquisite. Listen,\nuh, if it's not too much trouble, could\nyou pass me that paper over there?\n\n(Elaine gets the paper, he starts flipping through it.)\n\nJERRY\nYou better find that grape before it\nmutates into another life form. (Elaine\nlaughs) There was once a mutant grape\nthat terrorized an entire town in the\nTexas\n\npanhandle. They brought in the army, nobody could stop it. Apparently\nit had a pit of steel.\n\nGEORGE\n(To himself) Up again?! This is incredible.\nI'm.. I'm getting it.\n\nELAINE\nYou're getting what?\n\nGEORGE\nA stock.\n\nJERRY\nWhat stock?\n\nGEORGE\nDid you ever meet my friend, Simons?\n\nJERRY\nMaybe.\n\nGOERGE\nHe knows this guy, Wilkinson. He made\na fortune in the stock market. Now he's\ngot some new thing - you know, there's\nsupposed to be a big merger.\n\nHe wasn't even supposed to say anything. You guys should think\nabout doing this too.\n\nJERRY\nHow high's it suppose to go?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know. But Simons said that if\nI wanted to get involved, that Wilkinson\nwould tell me the exact right minute\nto sell. You wanna do it?\n\nJERRY\nBoy.. I don't know.\n\nELAINE\nI'd do it but I don't have any money.\n\nJERRY\nWhat kind of company is it?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's Sendrax. They've got some new kind\nof technique for televising opera.\n\nELAINE\nTelevising opera?\n\nGEORGE\nSome sort of electronic thingy.\n\nJERRY\nWell, how much are you going to invest?\n\nGEORGE\n(Unsure) Five thousand.. ten. Ten thousand..\nFive thousand.\n\nJERRY\nBoy..\n\nGEORGE\nC'mon. Wilkinson's got millions invested\nin this stock. It's gone up three points\nsince I've been watching it.\n\nJERRY\nWhat if I lose it?\n\nGEORGE\nC'mon, go for twenty-five hundred. We'll\ndo it together. Come on, come on. We're\nin it together.\n\nJERRY\n(gives in) All right -- twenty-five\nhundred.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's it.\n\n(Waitress arrives)\n\nWAITRESS\nYeah, can I take your order?\n\nGEORGE\n(Gesturing to Jerry) Check the raiser.\n\nJERRY\nMy bet? All right.. I'll open with a\ntuna sandwich.\n\nELAINE\nTuna?\n\nJERRY\nOh, the dolphin thing?\n\nELAINE\nThey're dying in the nets.\n\nJERRY\nOoohhh.. You know, the whole concept\nof lunch is based on tuna.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, can't you incorporate one unselfish\nact in your daily routine?\n\nJERRY\nHey, when I'm driving, I let people\nin ahead of me all the time. I'm always\nwaving everybody in. \"Go ahead, go ahead,\ngo ahead.\" ..Alright.. alright. I'll\nhave\n\na chicken salad.\n\nELAINE\nAnd I'm going to have an English muffin\nwith margarine on the side and a cup\nof coffee.\n\nWAITRESS\nOkay. (To George) What about you?\n\nGEORGE\nI'll have the tuna.\n\n(Scene ends.)\n\n(A Korean Market)\n\nJERRY\nI have to say. Those people talking\nbehind us really ruined that movie for\nme.\n\nVANESSA\nWhy didn't you do something?\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you want me to do? I have the\nguy the half-turn. Then I have him the\nfull-turn with the eye roll! I mean,\nbeyond that, I'm risking a punch in\nthe\n\nmouth.. (To a stock boy) Excuse me, do you have these in the\npuffs?\n\nSTOCK BOY\nNo puffs. Just flakes.\n\nJERRY\nHave you thought any more about that\ntrip?\n\nVANESSA\nYeah, I've been thinking about it.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, my friend told me about this\ngreat place in Vermont.\n\nVANESSA\nI don't know. I just worry about trips\nlike this.. It's a lot of pressure.\n\nJERRY\nIt's great! It speeds up the intimacy\nlevel. It's like putting the relationship\nin a time compressor. Where we would\nbe six months from now we accomplish\n\n(snaps) three days.\n\nVANESSA\nOh, so you want to move our relationship\ninto Phase Two..?\n\nJERRY\nExactly. I love Phase Two. Extra toothbrushes,\nincreased call frequency, walking around\nnaked.. You know, the presents get a\nlot better in Phase Two.\n\nVANESSA\n(Starting to like the idea) Really?\nCould we go fishing up there?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. We can fish. What? Blues, carp,\nmarlin?\n\nVANESSA\nThey have marlin in Vermont?\n\nJERRY\nOh, big fighting marlin.\n\n(Jerry picks up a paper)\n\nVANESSA\nJerry, the stock is the same as when\nyou checked it earlier. There are no\nchanges after the market closes. The\nstock is still down.\n\nJERRY\nI know. But this is a different paper.\nI thought maybe they have, uh, different..\nsources.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's apartment. Jerry's looking at a road map; Kramer is\nlooking at the paper)\n\nJERRY\nIs that my paper?\n\nKRAMER\nBad news, my friend.\n\nJERRY\nWhat? What news?\n\nKRAMER\nSendrax.\n\nJERRY\nOh, c'mon! It's down again?!\n\nKRAMER\nTwo and a half points.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I can't believe it. Let me see that.\n(Looks at the paper) That's four and\na half points in three days! That's\nalmost half my money!\n\nKRAMER\nHey, I told ya.\n\nJERRY\n(Sarcastic) Yeah, you told me.\n\nKRAMER\nIt's all manipulated with junk bonds.\nYou can't win.\n\nJERRY\n(Holding the phone, calling George)\nThere's one thing I don't understand.\nWhy does it please you? (Into phone)\nGeorge Costanza, please.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, I don't care. I'm just telling\nyou to (yelling) get rid of that stock,\nnow!\n\nJERRY\n(Into phone) George, what's going on?!\n\nKRAMER\nSell it, just say I'm selling!\n\nJERRY\n(Into phone) Well, where is the guy?!\nNothing? Almost half my money's gone..\nWell, call me right back. (Hangs up)\nNobody can reach Wilkinson. He\n\nhasn't been home or in his office in the past three days!\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, I can't believe you put your\nmoney in that Sendrax. And you could've\ninvested in my roll-out tie dispenser.\n\nJERRY\nRoll-out tie dispenser? What was that\none?\n\nKRAMER\nOkay, you're in a restaurant. You've\ngot a very big meeting coming up.\n\nJERRY\nOkay.\n\nKRAMER\nYou just (makes noise) tear it off,\nand you got a new one right here. Then\nyou're gone.\n\nJERRY\nYou're gone alright.\n\nKRAMER\n(Looking at map) Hey, where.. where\nare you going? You gonna take a trip?\nThe map.. what..\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I'm going to Vermont with Vanessa\nfor a few days.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, can I use your place? I got a bunch\nof friends coming over this weekend.\n\nJERRY\nWhat friends?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, it's just some people I met at\na rock concert.\n\n(Phone rings)\n\nKRAMER\nDo you mind if they use your bed? (Jerry\ngive him a look) 'Cause they're really\ngood people, Jerry. I'm telling you.\nYou know, they're anarchists.\n\nThey're.. they're.. they're.. huge.\n\n(Jerry answers phone)\n\nJERRY\nGeorge.. what?! You're kidding.. Well,\nwhat's wrong?.. So, what are we gonna\ndo?.. Great! Alright, I'll speak to\nyou later. (Hangs up) Wilkinson, the\nguy\n\nwho's supposed to tell us when to sell the stock, he's in the\nhospital.\n\n(Kramer has a pleased reaction on his face)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Dry-Cleaning store; Jerry and George are in line)\n\nJERRY\nSo you don't know what's wrong with\nhim?\n\nGEORGE\nAll Simons was able to find out is that\nhe's in the hospital.\n\nJERRY\nOkay, fine. Has Simons been in touch\nwith him?\n\nGEORGE\nOf course he's been in touch with him.\nHe's left two messages. He just hasn't\nheard back yet, that's all.\n\nJERRY\nWell, this is it. I'm selling.\n\nGEORGE\nJust give it a little more time.\n\nJERRY\nI never should've gotten involved in\nthis. I'm a nervous wreck. I\"m not cut\nout for investing.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, alright. That's it. I'm gonna\ngo down there.\n\nJERRY\nWhere?\n\nGEORGE\nTo the hospital.\n\nJERRY\nThe hospital?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm going to find out what's going on.\nAlright?\n\nJERRY\nAre you nuts? You don't even know they\nguy.\n\nGEORGE\nSo what? I'll start talking to him,\nyou know, casual, and I'll work my way\naround to it.\n\nJERRY\nWhat if he's in an iron lung or something?\nWhat are you gonna do? (knocking on\nglass) \"How you feeling, Mr. Wilkinson?\n(makes hissing sound) By the\n\nway, what's happening with Sendrax?\"\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe he's resting.\n\nJERRY\nWho goes to the hospital to rest?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you, a doctor?\n\nJERRY\nOkay, fine, fine. When are you going\ndown there?\n\nGEORGE\nToday. I'm going today. Just don't do\nanything until you hear from me.\n\nJERRY\nAlright.\n\n(Jerry moves up in line, a woman takes his place. George didn't\nnotice)\n\nGEORGE\n(To woman, thinking she's Jerry) Boy,\nI have to get to a bathroom.\n\n(Woman gives him a look)\n\nDRY CLEANER\nMay I help you?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. I picked up this shirt here yesterday.\nIt's completely shrunk. There's absolutely\nno way I can wear it.\n\nDRY CLEANER\nWhen did you bring it in?\n\nJERRY\nWhat's the difference? Look at it! Do\nyou see the size of this shirt?!\n\nDRY CLEANER\nYou got a receipt?\n\nJERRY\nI can't find the receipt.\n\nDRY CLEANER\nYou should get the receipt.\n\nJERRY\nLook, forget about the receipt, all\nright? Even if I had the receipt- look\nat it! It's a hand puppet. What am I\ngonna do with this?!\n\nDRY CLEANER\nYes, but how do I know we did the shirt?\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you think this is a little scam\nI have? I take this tiny shirt all over\nthe city conning dry cleaners out of\nmoney?! In fact, forget the money. I\ndon't even\n\nwant the money. I just once, I would like to hear a dry cleaner\nadmit that something was their fault. That's what I want. I want\nan admission of guilt.\n\nDRY CLEANER\nMaybe you asked for it to be washed?\n\nJERRY\nNo.. dry-cleaned.\n\nDRY CLEANER\nLet me explain to you something. Okay?\nWith certain types of fabrics, different\nchemicals can react, causing..\n\nJERRY\n(Interrupting) You shrunk it! You know\nyou shrunk it! Just tell me that you\nshrunk it!\n\nDRY CLEANER\nI shrunk it.\n\n(Scene ends.)\n\n(Night club)\n\nJERRY\nI think the only reason we go to the\ndry cleaner is so I can say to the dry\ncleaner, \"Well, it's ruined.\" And of\ncourse, the dry cleaner can respond,\n\"It's not\n\nour fault. We're not responsible. We just ruin the clothes. That\nends our legal obligation.\" You see, the whole problem with dry\ncleaning is that we all believe that this\n\nis actually possible. Right? They're cleaning our clothes - but\nthey're not getting anything wet. It's all dry. I know there's\ngotta be some liquids back there, some fluids\n\nthat they're using. There's no such thing as dry cleaning. When\nyou get something on your shirt, ever get something on your shirt\nand try to get it off like that (brushes\n\nshirt) - that's dry cleaning. I don't think that's what they're\ndoing back there. They don't have eighty guys going (with imaginary\nbrush) \"Come on, hurry up! There's a\n\nlot of shirts today.\"\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Elaine sneezes)\n\nJERRY\nBless you.\n\nELAINE\nThank you. What evidence is there that\ncats are so smart, anyway? Huh? What\ndo they do? Because they're clean? I\nam sorry. My Uncle Pete showers\n\nfour times a day and he can't count to ten. So don't give me\nhygiene.\n\nJERRY\nSo what are you gonna do?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know. I can't think of any solution,\nunless of course they should meet with\nsome unfortunate accident. What do you\nthink a hit man would charge to\n\nrub out a couple of cats?\n\nJERRY\nWell, it couldn't be too expensive.\nThirteen, fourteen bucks a cat?\n\nELAINE\nWhat do you think, Jerry? You wanna\nmake twenty-eight bucks?\n\nJERRY\nI'm no cat killer.\n\nELAINE\nHow about we go over there right now\nand we shave them?\n\nJERRY\nI'd really like to go, Elaine. But,\nGeorge is coming back from the hospital.\nI gotta wait for him. But otherwise\nI would definitely go.\n\nELAINE\nHe actually wen to the hospital?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nOh man, he's nuts.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, he's nuts. You wanta bump off\na couple of cats. (Enter Kramer, holding\na paper) I know, I know. It's down again.\n\nKRAMER\nHow much are you down altogether?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know.. fifteen hundred dollars.\n\nKRAMER\nWow.\n\nJERRY\nYou don't have to say \"Wow.\" I know\nit's \"Wow.\" And there's that smile again.\nWell, what is that?\n\n(Intercom buzzes)\n\nJERRY\nIt's George. (Presses button to let\nGeorge in.)\n\n(Elaine goes into the bathroom; kramer picks up some binoculars\nand looks ou the window)\n\nKRAMER\nOh, look at this one by the bus stop.\nJerry, come here. Take a look at this.\n\nJERRY\nI really don't need to look.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat a body. Yeeaahh.. that's for me.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, and you're just what she's looking\nfor too - a stranger leering through\na pair of binoculars ten floors up.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm gonna go down there and try and\ntalk to her. (leaves)\n\n(Enter George; he flops onto the couch)\n\nJERRY\nWhat? What? Did you go down there? (George\nnods) Did he tell you what's gonna happen?\n(George shakes his head \"no\".) How long\nwere you there?\n\nGEORGE\nFifteen seconds.\n\nJERRY\nYou told him you knew Simons?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, I mentioned Simons. Next thing\nI know - I'm in the parking lot. Perhaps\nthey had some sort of a falling out.\nI'll tell you one thing.. I don't know\n\nwhat he's got. But for a sick guy, he's very strong.\n\n(Elaine exits bathroom)\n\nJERRY\nWell, that's it. Look, I'm going to\nVermont. I don't want to think about\nthis. I'm selling.\n\nELAINE\nDidn't work, huh?\n\nGEORGE\n(Laughs) Not quite.\n\nELAINE\nWell, what are you gonna do about the\nstock?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm keeping it. I'm going down with\nthe ship.\n\n(Scene ends.)\n\n(Country Inn)\n\nJERRY\nSo I know this guy. I'm getting all\nmy sneakers at a discount now.\n\nVANESSA\nI know. You mentioned it.\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah, right. (To himself) Oh God.\nGet me out of here. What a mistake.\nWhat made me think this would work?\nAnd I've still got another day! I've\ngot\n\nnothing left to say. Wait.. wait.. got one. (To Vanessa) That's\na nice watch. Do you wind it?\n\nVANESSA\nNo, it's got a little battery.\n\nJERRY\nWell, that's good. (To himself) Well,\nthe drive home should be a delight.\nI'm speeding the whole way. Let them\nthrow me in jail. I don't care. (To\nVanessa)\n\nThat' the manager? Do you wnat me to see if we can get another\nroom?\n\nVANESSA\nNo, it's okay.\n\nJERRY\nSo, I guess you don't find the separate\nfaucets for the hot and cold - charming?\n\nVANESSA\nNot especially.\n\nJERRY\nWell, what do you wnat to do this afternoon?\n\nVANESSA\nWhat can we do? It's raining.\n\nJERRY\nWe cold play \"Sorry!\" We cold play \"Steal\nthe Old Man's Bundle.\" (To himself)\nMaybe I can get an extension cord and\nhang myself. (To Vanessa) What\n\nkind of perfume is that you're wearing?\n\nVANESSA\nOh, you've never heard of it.\n\nJERRY\nNo, what? What kind is it?\n\nVANESSA\nI can't tell you.\n\nJERRY\n(To himself) Yeah, that's normal. (Out\nloud, to a man nearby) Excuse me, Sir.\nCould I have a look at that business\nsection?\n\nVANESSA\nThat stock? I thought you got out of\nthat?\n\nJERRY\nI did. I'm just curious. It's been almost\na week. I want to check it out. (finds\nstock) Six points. It's up six points!\n\nVANESSA\nI told you not to sell.\n\nJERRY\nYou did not tell me not to sell.\n\nVANESSA\nI said, the market fluctuates. Remember?\n\nJERRY\nLook, Vanessa, of course the market\nfluctuates. Everybody knows that. I\njust got fluctuated out of four thousand\ndollars!\n\nVANESSA\nThat's probably why.. (stops herself)\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nVANESSA\nForget it.\n\nJERRY\nNo, what? 'That's probably why..'\n\nVANESSA\nThat's probably why we're staying here,\nbecause you lost money on the stock.\n\nJERRY\n(To himself) So, what am I looking at\nhere? Twenty=nine hours to go. Well,\nat least I got plenty of time to find\nout the name of that purfume..\n\n(Scene ends.)\n\n(Coffee shop)\n\nGEORGE\nHave something else. C'mon, have a little\ndessert?\n\nJERRY\nI'm good, thanks.\n\nGEORGE\nElaine, get something! It's all taken\ncare of.\n\nELAINE\nI'm kinda full.\n\nGEORGE\nSo don't finish it.\n\nJERRY\n(acidly) She's full. (George puts up\nhis hands in an \"excuse me\" gesture.)\nSo, Big daddy. I'm just curious. How\nmuch did you clear on your little trasaction\n\nthere? All told?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't like to discuss figures.\n\nJERRY\nHow much?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know, what? Eight thousand.\nIt's a Hyundai. Get out of here.. I\ntold you not to sell. Simons made money,\nWilkinson cleaned up.\n\nJERRY\nSo, Wilkinson's out of the hospital\nnow?\n\nGEORGE\nNo. You'd be surprised. You don't recover\nthat quickly from a nose job.\n\n(Elaine sneezes)\n\nJERRY\nIs taht still from the cats?\n\nELAINE\nNo, I just have a cold.\n\nJERRY\nSo, what ever happened with that?\n\nELAINE\nI gave him an ultimatum. (Shrugs)\n\nGEORGE\nHe chose the cats?\n\nELAINE\nThey're very clean animals.\n\nJERRY\nI gotta say, that's pretty sad. Losing\nout to a cat.\n\nELAINE\nAlmost as bad as losing out to a perfume.\n\nGEORGE\nI told you those trips were relationship\nkillers. Too bad you can't get your\nbuddy Superman to fly around the Earth\nat super speed and reverse time.\n\nYou'd get all the money back - you could have avoided the whole\ntrip to Vermont.\n\nELAINE\nSuperman can go back in time?\n\nJERRY\nWe went over that.\n\nGEORGE\nWilkinson's got a bite on a new one..\nPetramco Corp. Out of, hu, Springfield.\nI think. They're about to introduce\nsome sort of robot butcher.\n\nJERRY\nA robot butcher?\n\nGOERGE\nShhhhh. If you want to get in - there's\nvery little time. (Calling to waitress)\nSweetheart.. (Waitress tears of check,\nGeorge stops her) No, no, no. That'\n\nought to coever it. (He hands her some money, she turns to leave,\nGeorge stops her) Just a second.. Just a.. let me.. (looks at\nthe check, then take some money out\n\nof her hand.) (Urging Jerry and Elaine to eat) Come on, come\non, come on..\n\n(Scene ends.)\n\n(Night club)\n\nJERRY\nI'm not an investor. People always tell\nme, you should have your money working\nfor you. I've decided I'll do the work.\nI'm gonna let the money relax. You\n\nknow what I mean? 'Cause you send your money out there - working\nfor you - a lot of times, it gets fired. You go back there, \"What\nhappened? I had my money. It\n\nwas here, it was working for me.\" \"Yeah, I remember your money.\nShowing up late. Taking time off. We had to let him go.\"\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Ex-Girlfriend.html",
    "text": "THE EX-GIRLFRIEND\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David & Jerry Seinfeld\n\n(Nightclub)\n\nJERRY\nI'm always in traffic with the lane\nexpert. You know this type of person?\nConstantly reevaluating their lane choice..\nNever quite sure, \"Is this the best\nlane for\n\nme? For my life?\" They're always a little bit ahead of you, \"Can\nI get in over there? Could I get in over here? Could I get in\nthere?\" \"Yeah, come on over here, pal.\n\nWe're zoomin' over here. This is the secret lane, nobody knows\nabout it..\" The ultimate, I think the ultimate psychological\ntest of traffic is the total dead stop. Not\n\neven rolling. And you look out the window, you can see gum clearly.\nSo we know that in the future traffic will get even worse than\nthat. I mean, what will happen?\n\nWill it start moving backwords, I wonder? I mean, is that possible?\nThat someday we'll be going \"Boy, this is some really bad traffic\nnow, boy. This, is really bad.\n\nI'm gonna try to get off and get back on going the other way.\"\n\n(Jerry's car)\n\nGEORGE\nShe can't kill me right?!\n\nJERRY\nNo, of course not.\n\nGEORGE\nPeople break up all the time.\n\nJERRY\nEveryday.\n\nGEORGE\nIt just didn't work out. What can I\ndo? I wanted to love her. I tried to\nlove her. I couldn't.\n\nJERRY\nYou tried.\n\nGEORGE\nI kept looking at her face. I'd go:\n\"C'mon, love her. Love her!\"\n\nJERRY\nDid you tell her you loved her?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, I had no choice. She squeezed it\nout of me! She'd tell me she loved me.\nAlright, at first, I just look at her.\nI'd go \"Oh, really?\" or \"Boy, that's,\nthat's\n\nsomething.\" But, eventually you have to come back with \"Well,\nI love you.\" You know, you can only hold out for so long!\"\n\nJERRY\nYou're a human being.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd I didn't even ask her out. She asked\nme out first. She called me up. What\nwas I supposed to do? Say no? I can't\ndo that to someone.\n\nJERRY\nYou're too nice a guy.\n\nGEORGE\nI am. I'm a nice guy.. (realizing) And\nshe seduced me! We were in my apartment,\nI'm sitting on the couch, she's on the\nchair - I get up to go to the\n\nbathroom, I come back, she's on the couch. What am I supposed\nto do? Not do anything? I couldn't do that. I would've insulted\nher.\n\nJERRY\nYou're flesh and blood.\n\nGEORGE\nI had nothing to do wtih any of this!\nI met all her friends, I didn't want\nto meet them. I kept trying to avoid\nit. I knew it would only get me in deeper.\nBut\n\nthey were everywhere! They kept popping up, all over the place.\n\"This is Nancy, this is Susan, this is Amy.. This is my cousin..\nthis is my brother.. thisis my father.\"\n\nIt's like I'm in quicksand.\n\nJERRY\nI told you when I met her..\n\nGEORGE\nMy back is killing me.\n\nJERRY\nYou gotta go to my chiropractor, he's\nthe best.\n\nGEORGE\nOh yeah, everybody's guy is the best.\n\nJERRY\nI'm gonna make an appointment for you.\nWe'll go together.\n\nGEORGE\nPlease. They don't do anything.. Look,\ndo I have to break up with her in person?\nCAn't I do it over the phone? I have\nno stomach for these things.\n\nJERRY\nYou should just do it like a Band-Aid.\nOne motion! Right off!\n\n(Car door opens, it's Elaine)\n\nELAINE\nHi.\n\nJERRY\nHi.\n\n(George pulls his seat forward to allow Elaine into the back\nseats)\n\nELAINE\nHey, what are you doing?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm letting you in.\n\nELAINE\nOh no. No. I don't want to sit in the\nback. I'll be left out of the conversation.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, you won't.\n\nELAINE\nYes, I will, George. I'll have to sick\nmy chin on top of the seat.\n\nGEORGE\nOkay..\n\n(George gets out, and gestures for Elaine to sit in the seat)\n\nELAINE\nWhy can't you sit in the middle?\n\nGEORGE\nPlease, it doesn't look good. Boy, boy,\ngirl.\n\nELAINE\nI think you're afraid to sit next to\na man. You're a little homophobic, aren't\nyou?\n\nGEORGE\nIs it that obvious?\n\n(Elaine sits in the middle)\n\nELAINE\nHello, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHello.\n\nELAINE\nDid you get a haircut?\n\nJERRY\nNo, shower. So, where are we eating?\n\nELAINE\nTell me if you think this is strange:\nThere's this guy who lives in my building,\nwho I was introduced to a couple of\nyears ago by a friend. He's a teacher,\nor\n\nsomething. Anyway, after we met, whenever we'd run into each\nother on the street, or in the lobby, or whatever, we would stop\nand we would chat a little.. Nothing\n\nmuch. Little pleasantries. He was a nice guy, he's got a family..\nthen after a while, I noticed there was not more stopping. Just\nsaying hello and continuing on our way.\n\npolite nodding. Then one day, he doesn't nod. Like I don't exist?!\nHe went from nods to nothing.\n\nGEORGE\n(imitating Tony Bennett) \"You know,\nI'd go from nods to nothing..\"\n\nELAINE\nAnd now, there's this intense animosity\nwhenever we passs. I mean, it's like\nwe really hate each other. It's based\non nothing.\n\nJERRY\nA relationship is an organism. You created\nthis thing and then you starved it so\nit turned against you. Same thing happened\nto The Blob.\n\nGEORGE\nI think you absolutely have to say something\nto this guy. Confront him.\n\nELAINE\nReally?\n\nGEORGE\nYes.\n\nELAINE\nYou would do that?\n\nGEORGE\nIf I was a different person.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's apartment; Jerry's on the phone)\n\nJERRY\nHello.. hello. Is Glenn there? I'm sorry.\nIs this 805-555-3234?.. Yes, I know\nI have the wrong number. But I just\nwant to know if I dialed wrong or if..\n\n(Other guy hangs up on Jerry; he redials; enter Kramer)\n\n(The buzzer buzzes; Kramer answers it)\n\nKRAMER\nCome on up.\n\nJERRY\n(Into phone) Oh, it's you again. See?\nNow if you had answered me, I wouldn't\nhave had to do this. Now that's too\nlong distance calls I made to you why\n\ncan't you.. (guy hangs up on Jerry again). (To Kramer) Why? Why\ndo they just hang up like that?! Thank you very much.\n\n(Kramer holds up cantaloupe)\n\nKRAMER\nTaste this.\n\nJERRY\nNo, I just had a sandwich.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, taste it. Taste it.\n\nJERRY\nI don't want cantaloupe now.\n\nKRAMER\nYou've never had cantaloupe like this\nbefore.\n\nJERRY\nI only eat cantaloupe at certain times.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry. This is great cantaloupe.\n\nJERRY\nAlright.. (tastes it)\n\nKRAMER\nAh, huh. It's good?\n\nJERRY\nIt's very good.\n\nKRAMER\nGood, huh?\n\nJERRY\nGood.\n\nKRAMER\nI got it at Joe's.\n\nJERRY\nUh-Huh.\n\nKRAMER\nForty-nine cents a pound. That's practically\nhalf than what you're paying at the\nsupermarket. I don't know why you don't\ngo to Joe's.\n\nJERRY\nIt's too far.\n\nKRAMER\nIt's three blocks further. You can use\nmy shopping cart..\n\nJERRY\nI'm not pulling a shopping cart. What\nam I suppose to wear? A kerchief? Put\nstockings on and roll 'em down below\nmy knee?\n\nKRAMER\nSee, the other thing is, if you don't\nlike anything, he takes it right back.\n\nJERRY\nI don't return fruit. Fruit is a gamble.\nI know that going in.\n\n(Enter George; he's extremely excited - he's dancing around the\nroom, singing the Zorba theme)\n\nGEORGE\nI'm outta there. I did it! It's over.\n\nJERRY\nYou did it? What happened?\n\nGEORGE\nI told her. In the kitchen - which was\nrisky 'cause it's near all the knives.\nI started with the word \"Listen.\"\n\nJERRY\nAh ha.\n\nGEORGE\nI said, \"Listen Marlene,\" and then the\nnext thing I know, I'm in the middle\nof it. And there's this voice inside\nof me going: \"You're doing it! You're\ndoing\n\nit!\" And then she started to cry, and I weakened a bit. I almost\nrelented, but the voice, Jerry. The voice said \"Keep going, keep\ngoing. You're almost out!\" It's like I\n\nwas making a prison break, you know. And I'm heading for the\nwall, and I trip and I twist my ankle, and they throw the light\non you, you know. So, somehow I get\n\nthe front door. I opened it up, I'm one foot away, I took one\nlast look around the penitentiary, and I jumped!\n\nJERRY\nSee, it's never as bad as you imagine.\n\nKRAMER\nI liked Marlene. What's her number?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I, I don't think so.\n\n(Kramer stants making noises while eating)\n\nJERRY\nCould you stop that smacking?\n\nKRAMER\nGeorge, I want you to taste this cantaloupe.\n\nGEORGE\nOh no, thank you.\n\nKRAMER\nIt's the best cantaloupe I ever had.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, really. No, no, thanks.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, tell him how good this cantaloupe\nis.\n\nJERRY\nIt's very good cantaloupe. (changing\nsubject) So that's it? You're out?\n\nGEORGE\nExcept for one small problem. I left\nsome books in her apartment.\n\nJERRY\nSo, go get them.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, no. No, I can't go back there. Jerry,\nit's so awkward and, you know, it could\nbe dangerous - sexually. Something could\nhappen, I'd be right back\n\nwhere I started.\n\nJERRY\nSo forget about the books. Did you read\nthem?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, yeah.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you need them for?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know. They're books.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is this obsession people have with\nbooks? They put them in their houses\n- like they're trophies. What do you\nneed it for after you read it?\n\nGEORGE\nThey're MY books.\n\nJERRY\nSo you want me to get those books? Is\nthat it?\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Coffee Shop)\n\n(Jerry and Marlene are sitting, a pile of books are on the table.)\n\nMARLENE\n..So, it must've been ninety-five degrees\nthat night, and everyone's just standing\naround the pool with little drinks in\ntheir hands. I was wearing my old\n\njeans and T-shirt. And I don't know, I was just in one of those\nmoods - so I said to myself, \"Marlene, just do it,\" and I jumped\nin. And as I'm getting out, I feel all\n\nthese eyes on me, and I look up and everyone is just staring\nat me.\n\nJERRY\nSo what'd you do?\n\nMARLENE\nWell, nothing. It's not skin off my\nhide if people like to look. I just\ndidn't see what the big attraction was.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I have a general idea what it\nwas. I could take a guess.\n\nMARLENE\n(Laughs) Hey, you know, Jerry, just\nbecause George and I don't see each\nother anymore, it doesn't mean we shouldn't\nstay friends.\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nMARLENE\nGood enough. I'm really glad we got\nthat settled.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Chiropractor waiting room)\n\nJERRY\n(Irritated) I don't know how this happened.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, it's not my fault.\n\nJERRY\nNo, no. It's not your fault. Books,\nbooks, I need my books. Have you re-read\nthose books yet, by the way? You know\nthe great thing? When you read\n\nMoby Dick the second time, Ahab and the whale become good friends.\nYou know, it's not like Marlene's a bad person or anything, but,\nmy God! I mean, we've\n\nhad like three lunches and a movie. And she never stops calling.\n(George nods - he knows exactly what Jerry's talking about) And\nit's these meaningless,\n\npurposeless, blather calls. She never asks if I'm busy or anything.\nI just pick up the phone and she's in the middle of a sentence.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's standard. Has she left you one\nof those messages where she uses up\nthe whole machine?\n\nJERRY\nOhh.. you know, and sometimes she'll\ngo, \"Hello, Jerry?\" and I'll go \"Oh,\nhi Marlene.\" And then it's \"Jerry..\"\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about getting off the phone?\n\nJERRY\nOhhhh.. you can't. It's impossible.\nThere's no break in the conversation\nwhere you can go, \"Alright, then.. \"\nYou know, it just goes on and on and\non with\n\nout a break in the wall. I mean, I gotta put a stop to this.\n\nGEORGE\nJust do it like a Band-Aid. One motion,\nright off! She is sexy though. Don't\nyou think?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Yes, she is.\n\n(Receptionist enters)\n\nRECEPTIONIST\nMr. Costanza?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nRECEPTIONIST\nThe doctor'll see you now.\n\nGEORGE\n(To Jerry, sarcastically) Yeah, doctor.\nI'm going to have to wait in that little\nroom by myself, aren't I? (Picks up\na crossword puzzle) I better take this.\nI\n\nhate the little room. \"Oh, hello, Doctor.\"\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Night club)\n\nJERRY\nWaiting room. I hate when they make\nyou wait in the room. 'Cause it says\n\"Waiting room.\" There's no chance of\nnot waiting, 'cause they call it the\nwaiting\n\nroom, they're going to use it. They've got it. It's all set up\nfor you to wait. And you sit there, you know, and you've got\nyour little magazine. You pretend you're\n\nreading it, but you're really looking at the other people. You\nknow, you're thinking about about them things like \"I wonder\nwhat he's got. As soon as she goes, I'm\n\ngetting her magazine.\" And then, they finally call you and it's\na very exciting moment. They finally call you, and you stand\nup and you kinda look around at the other\n\npeople in the room. \"Well, I guess I've been chosen. I'll see\nyou all later.\" You know, so you think you're going to see the\ndoctor, but you're not, are you? No.\n\nYou're going into the next waiting room. The littler waiting\nroom. But if they are, you know, doing some sort of medical thing\nto you, you want to be in the smallest\n\nroom that they have, I think. You don't wnat to be in the largest\nroom that they have. You know what I mean? You ever see these\noperating theaters, that they have,\n\nwith like, stadium seating? You don't want them doing antying\nto you that makes other doctors go, \"I have to see this!\" \"Are\nyou kidding? Are they really gonna do\n\nthat to him?\" \"Are there seats? Can we get in?\" Do they scalp\ntickets to these things? \"I got two for the Winslow tumor, I\ngot two..\"\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Waiting room)\n\n(George returns)\n\nJERRY\nSo, how was it?\n\nGEORGE\nI was in there for two minutes. He didn't\ndo anything. (Imitating doctor) Touch\nthis, feel that. Seventy-five bucks.\n\nJERRY\nWell, it's a first visit.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's seventy-five bucks? What, am\nI seeing Sinatra in there?! Amd I being\nentertained? I don't understand this.\nI'm only paying half.\n\nJERRY\nYou can't do that.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy not?\n\nJERRY\nHe's a doctor. You gotta pay what he\nsays.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, no, no, no. I pay what I say.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's car)\n\nMARLENE\nAre you feeling weird?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I'm fine.\n\nMARLENE\nNothing really happened.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I know.\n\nMARLENE\nWe just kissed a little. People kiss.\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nMARLENE\nWell.. night.\n\n(Leans over and kisses Jerry)\n\nJERRY\nGood night.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Kramer enters with a golf club)\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nI got it! This time, I got it!\n\nJERRY\nAlright.\n\nKRAMER\nHips! See, it's all hips.\n\nJERRY\nUh-huh.\n\nKRAMER\nYou gotta come through with the hips\nfirst. (Demonstrates)\n\nJERRY\nThat is out there.\n\n(Kramer notices Jerry's eating cantaloupe, his eyes light up)\n\nKRAMER\nJoe's?\n\nJERRY\nNo, supermarket.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, is it good?\n\nJERRY\nIt's okay.\n\nKRAMER\nLet me taste it. (Takes a bite, spits\nit out) See, that stinks. You can't\neat that. You should take it back.\n\nJERRY\nI'm not taking it back.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, I'll take it back. I'm going\nby there.\n\nJERRY\nI don't care about it.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, you should care. Cantaloupe like\nthis should be taken out of circulation.\n\nJERRY\nAlright. Take it back.\n\n(Phone rings, Jerry is reluctant to answer it)\n\nJERRY\n(On his answering machine) Leave a message,\nI'll call you back.\n\nMARLENE\n(Leaving a message) Jerry, have you\never taken a bath in the dark? If I'm\nnot talking into the soap right now,\ncall me back.\n\nKRAMER\nWell?\n\nJERRY\nMarlene\n\nKRAMER\n(Smiles) Oh. Oh, Marlene.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I took her home one night - we\nkinda started up a little bit in the\ncar.\n\nKRAMER\nI thought you were trying to get rid\nof her?\n\nJERRY\nI was. She's got me, like, hypnotized.\n\nKRAMER\nDoes George know?\n\nJERRY\nNo, he'd go nuts.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, no kidding.\n\nJERRY\nI feel terrible. (Kramer smiles) I mean,\nI've seen her a couple of times since\nthen, and I know I can't go any further,\nbut.. I've just got this like,\n\npsycho-sexual hold over me. I just want her, I can't breathe.\nIt's like a drug.\n\nKRAMER\nWoah, psycho-sexual.\n\nJERRY\nI don't know how I'm going to tell him.\n\nKRAMER\nMan, I don't understand people. I mean,\nwhy would George want to deprive you\nof pleasure? Is it just me?\n\nJERRY\nIt's partially you, yeah.\n\nKRAMER\nYou're his friend. Better that she should\nsleep with someone else. Some jerk that\nhe doesn't even know.\n\nJERRY\nWell, he can't kill me, right?\n\nKRAMER\nYou're a human being.\n\nJERRY\nI mean, she called me. I haven't called\nher. She started it.\n\nKRAMER\nYou're flesh and blood.\n\nJERRY\nI'm a nice guy.\n\n(Enter Elaine, she's holding a lamp)\n\nELAINE\nHi. (Hands Jerry the lamp)\n\nJERRY\nOh, my little airplane lamp.\n\nELAINE\nYou know, you have the slowest elevator\nin the entire city? That's hard to get\nused to when you're in so many other\nfast ones.\n\nJERRY\nWell, the apartment elevators are always\nslower than the offices, because you\ndon't have to be home on time.\n\nELAINE\nUnless you're married to a dictator..\n\nJERRY\nYeah.. because they would be very demanding\npeople.\n\nELAINE\nRight. Exactly. So I imagine at some\npoint, somebody's going to offer me\nsome cantaloupe.\n\nKRAMER\nNope. No good.\n\nJERRY\nWell, you know what they say: Luck in\nlove, Unlucky with fruit.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I'm taking this back. (Leaves)\n\nELAINE\nSo, I had what you might call a little\nencounter this morning.\n\nJERRY\nReally? That guy who stopped saying\nhello?\n\nELAINE\nYep.\n\nJERRY\nYou talked to him?\n\nELAINE\nYep. I spotted him getting his mail.\nAnd at first, I was just going to walk\non by, but then I thought \"no, no, no,\nno. Do not be afraid of this man.\"\n\nJERRY\nRight.\n\nELAINE\nSo, I walked up behind him and I tapped\nhim on the shoulder. And I said, \"Hi,\nremember me?\" And he furrows his brow\nas if he's really trying to figure it\n\nout. So I said to him, I said, \"You little phony. You know exactly\nwho I am.\"\n\nJERRY\n\"You little phony\"?\n\nELAINE\nI did. I most certainly did. And he\nsaid, he goes, \"Oh, yeah. You're Jeanette's\nfriend. We did meet once.\" And I said,\n\"Well, how do you go from that to\n\ntotally ignoring a person when they walk by?\"\n\nJERRY\nAmazing.\n\nELAINE\nAnd he says, he says, \"Look, I just\ndidn't want to say hello anymore, alright?\"\nAnd I said, \"Fine. Fine I didn't want\nto say hello anymore either, but I\n\nwanted you to know that I'm aware of it.\"\n\n(Elaine tastes some cantaloupe)\n\nJERRY\nYou are the Queen of Confrontation.\nYou're my new hero. In fact, you've\ninspired me. I'm gonna call George about\nsomething right now.\n\nELAINE\nThis cantaloupe stinks. (Spits it out)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Coffee Shop)\n\nGEORGE\nI don't care.\n\nJERRY\nYou're kidding.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I don't care.\n\nJERRY\nYou mean that?\n\nGEORGE\nAbsolutely.\n\nJERRY\nYou don't care?\n\nGEORGE\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nHow could you not care?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know. But I don't. I'm actually\nalmost happy to hear it.\n\nJERRY\nI thought you'd be upset.\n\nGEORGE\nI guess I should be but I'm not.\n\nJERRY\nAm I a bad person? Did I do something\nterrible?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, you're a fine person. You're a humanitarian.\nShe's very sexy.\n\nJERRY\nThat voice. That voice. She's driving\nme crazy.\n\nGEORGE\nI know, I know.\n\nJERRY\nSo I can see her tonight, and you don't\ncare?\n\nGEORGE\nSee her tonight. See her tomarrow. Go.\nKnock yourself out. She's too crazy\nfor me.\n\nJERRY\nAlright. As long as you're okay. Because\nI can't stop thinking about her.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm okay. I'm fine. I'm wonderful. I\nnever felt better in my whole life.\n\nJERRY\nGood. And I'll tell you what.. You don't\nhave to pay me back the thirty-five\nI gave to the chiropractor for the rest\nof your bill.\n\nGEORGE\n(Angry) You paid that crook?!\n\nJERRY\nI had to.\n\nGEORGE\nHe didn't do anything, Jerry. It's a\nscam! Who told you to do that?\n\nJERRY\nIt was embarrassing to me.\n\nGEORGE\nI was trying to make a point.\n\nJERRY\nWhy don't you make a point with your\nown doctor? (George gulps) What's wrong?\n\nGEORGE\n(Gasping) I think I swallowed a fly!\n..I swallowed a fly! What do I do? What\ncan happen?\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's car)\n\nJERRY\n..So, you want to come up for a few\nminutes?\n\nMARLENE\n..I'm sorry, Jerry. I just don't think\nthis is going to work.\n\nJERRY\nReally? I thought..\n\nMARLENE\nI know, I'm sorry.\n\nJERRY\nI guess I just didn't expect it from\nthe way you've been acting.\n\nMARLENE\nYou sure you want to talk about this?\n'Cause I sure don't.\n\nJERRY\nOf course I want to talk about it.\n\nMARLENE\nWell, okay. I guess things changed for\nme on Tuesday night.\n\nJERRY\nTuesday night? What happened Tuesday\nnight?\n\nMARLENE\n..I saw your act.\n\nJERRY\nMy act? What does that have to do with\nanything?\n\nMARLENE\nWell, to be honest, it just didn't make\nit for me. It's just so much fluff.\n\nJERRY\nI can't believe this. So what are you\nsaying? You didn't like my act, so that's\nit?\n\nMARLENE\nI can't be with someone if I don't respect\nwhat they do.\n\nJERRY\nYou're a cashier!\n\nMARLENE\nLook, Jerry, it's just not my kind of\nhumor.\n\nJERRY\nYou can't go by the audience that night.\nIt was late. They were terrible.\n\nMARLENE\nI heard the material.\n\nJERRY\nI have other stuff. You should come\nsee me on the weekend.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Night club)\n\nJERRY\nWomen need to like the job of the guy\nthey're with. If they don't like the\njob, they don't like the guy. Men know\nthis. Which is why we make up the phony\nbogus names for the jobs that we have. \"Well, right now, I'm\nthe regional management supervisor.\" \"I'm in development, research,\nconsulting.\" Men on the other\nhand, if they are physically attracted to a woman are not that\nconcerned with her job. Are we? Men don't really care. Men'll\njust go, \"Really? Slaughterhouse? Is that\nwhere you work? That sounds interesting. So whatdya got a big\ncleaver there? You're just lopping their heads off? That sounds\ngreat! Listen, why don't you shower up, and we'll get some burgers\nand catch a movie.\"\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Pony-Remark.html",
    "text": "THE PONY REMARK\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David & Jerry Seinfeld\n\n(Night club)\n\nJERRY\nMy parents live in Florida now. They\nmoved there last year. They didn't want\nto move to Floriday, but they're in\ntheir sixties, and that's the law. You\nknow\n\nhow it works. They got the leisure police. They pull up in front\nof the old people's house with a golf cart, jump out, \"Let's\ngo Pop, white belt, white pants, white\n\nshoes, get in the back. Drop the snow shovel right there, drop\nit!\" I am not much for the family gathering. You know, you sit\nthere, and the conversation's so boring.\n\nIt's so dull. And you start to fantasize. You know, you think,\nwhat if I just got up and jumped out that window? What would\nit be like? Just crashed right through the\n\nglass.. You know. Come back in, there's broken glass, everybody's\nall upset. \"No, I'm alright. I was just a little bored, there.\nNo, I'm fine. I came back. I wanted to\n\nhear a little about that Hummel collection, Aunt Rose. Let's\npick it up right there.\"\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Jerry's parents are in town. His father's watching T.V., his\nmother is ironing his father's jackets)\n\nHELEN\n(To Morty) You have so many nice jackets.\nI don't know why you had to bring this\njacket. Who wears a jacket like this?\n(He doesn't respond) What's\n\nwrong with that nice gray one? You have beautiful clothes. They\nsit in your closet. Morty, you can't wear - this!\n\n(Phone rings)\n\nMORTY\nAre you getting that?\n\nHELEN\nI thought you were getting it.\n\nMORTY\nShould I pick up?\n\nHELEN\nYou want me to get that?\n\nMORTY\nI'll get it!\n\nHELEN\nI'll get it!\n\n(They both go for the phone, Helen gets to it first)\n\nHELEN\nHello?.. Hello?\n\n(She hangs up. Jerry enters - he's wearing baseball clothes and\ncarrying a bat and glove)\n\nJERRY\n(Talking about the loud T.V.) Would\nyou make this thing lower! I can hear\nit on the street! (Turns it off)\n\nMORTY\nSo, how'd you do?\n\nJERRY\nWe won. I made an incredible play in\nthe field! There was a tag-up at third\nbase and I threw the guy out from left\nfield on a fly! We'll be in the championship\n\ngame Wednesday because of me. It was the single greatest moment\nof my life.\n\nHELEN\nThis is your greatest moment? A game?\n\nJERRY\nWell, no. Sharon Besser, of course.\n\nMORTY\nYou know what my greatest moment was,\ndon't you? 1946. I went to work for\nHarry Flemming and I came up with the\nidea for the beltless trench coat.\n\nHELEN\nJerry, look at this sport jacket. Is\nthis a jacket to wear to an anniversary\nparty?\n\nJERRY\nWell, the man's an individualist. He\nworked for Harry Flemming. He knows\nwhat he's doing.\n\nHELEN\nBut it's their 50th anniversary.\n\nMORTY\nYou know, I spoke to Manya and Isaac\non the phone today. They invited you\nagain. I think you should go.\n\nJERRY\nFirst of all, I made plans with Elaine.\n\nHELEN\nSo bring her.\n\nJERRY\nI don't even know them. What is she,\nyour second cousin? I mean, I've met\nthem three times in my life.\n\nMORTY\nI don't know her either. (Gesturing\nto Helen) She makes me fly all the way\nfrom Floriday for this, and then she\ncriticizes my jacket.\n\nHELEN\nAt least come and say hello, have a\ncup of coffee, then you'll leave.\n\nMORTY\nHow come he gets to leave?\n\nJERRY\nIf I wind up sitting nest to Uncle Leo,\nI am leaving. He's always grabbing my\narm when he talks to me. I guess it's\nbecause so many people have left in\nthe\n\nmiddle of his conversation.\n\nMORTY\nAnd it's always about Jeffrey, right?\n\nJERRY\nHey, he talks about him like he split\nthe atom. The kid works for the Parks\nDepartment.\n\n(Enter Kramer)\n\nKRAMER\nMorty, are you coming in?\n\nMORTY\nOh, yeah. I forgot all about it.\n\nKRAMER\n(To Jerry) Hey, how'd you do?\n\nJERRY\nWe won. We're in the finals on Wednesday..\n\nKRAMER\nYeah!\n\nJERRY\n(To Kramer and Morty) What is this about?\n\nKRAMER\nI'm completely changing the configuration\nof the apartment. You're not gonna believe\nit when you see it. A whole new lifestyle.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you doing?\n\nKRAMER\nLevels.\n\nJERRY\nLevels?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I'm getting rid of all my furniture.\nAll of it. And I'm going to build these\ndifferent levels, with steps, and it'll\nall be carpeted with a lot of pillows.\nYou\n\nknow, like ancient Egypt.\n\nJERRY\nYou drew up plans for this?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no. It's all in my head.\n\nMORTY\nI don't know how you're going to be\ncomfortable like that.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I'll be comfortable.\n\nJERRY\nWhen do you intend to do this?\n\nKRAMER\nOhh.. should be done by the end of the\nmonth.\n\nJERRY\nYou're doing this yourself?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's a simple job. Why, you don't think\nI can?\n\nJERRY\nOh, no. It's not that I don't think\nyou can. I know that you can't, and\nI'm positive that you won't.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I got the tools. I got the pillows.\nAll I need is the lumber.\n\nMORTY\nHey, that's some big job.\n\nJERRY\nI don't see it happening.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, this time, this time you're wrong.\nC'mon. I'll even bet you.\n\nJERRY\nSeriously?\n\nHELEN\nI dont' want you betting. Morty, don't\nlet him bet.\n\nKRAMER\nA big dinner with dessert. But I've\ngot till the end of the month.\n\nJERRY\nI'll give you a year.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, no. End of the month.\n\nJERRY\nIt's a bet. (They both \"pinkie swear\"\nto lock the deal)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Manya's apartment)\n\n(Jerry sits between Uncle Leo and Elaine. Leo grabs his choulder)\n\nJERRY\nSeriously, do you wnat to switch chairs?\n\nELAINE\nNo, no. I'm fine.\n\nLEO\nJerry, are you listening to this?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, Uncle Leo.\n\nLEO\nSo, so, now the parks commissioner is\nrecommending Jeffrey for a citation.\n\nJERRY\nRight. For reducing the pond scum?\n\nLEO\nNo, for the walking tours.\n\nJERRY\nOh, yeah. Where the people eat the plant\nlife - the edible foliage tour.\n\nLEO\nThat's exactly right. He knows the whole\nhistory of the park. For two hours he's\ntalking and answering questions. But\nyou want to know something? Whenever\n\nhe has a problem with one of these high-powered big shots in\nthe Parks Department, you know who he calls?\n\nJERRY\nMickey Mantle?\n\nELAINE\n(Helping him worm out of the conversation\nwith Leo) Jerry, Jerry. Did you taste\nthese peas? These peas are great!\n\nJERRY\n(Eating a forkful) These peas are bursting\nwith country-fresh flavor.\n\nELAINE\nMmm.. phenomenal peas..\n\nMORTY\nAre you ready for dessert?\n\nJERRY\nWell, actually, we do have to kind of\nget going.\n\nMANYA\n(Surprised) You're going?\n\nELAINE\nI don't really eat dessert. I'm dieting.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I can't eat dessert either. The\nsugar makes my ankles swell up, and\nI can't dance.\n\nMANYA\nCan't dance?\n\nHELEN\nHe's kidding, Manya.\n\nMANYA\nIs that a joke?\n\nHELEN\n(Canging subject) So, did you hear Claire's\ngetting married?\n\nMANYA\nYeah, yeah..\n\nHELEN\nI hear the fella owns a couple of racehorses.\nYou know, trotters, like at Yonkers.\n\nJERRY\nHorses. They're like big riding dogs.\n\nELAINE\nWhat about ponies? What kind of abnormal\nanimal is that? And those kids who had\ntheir own ponies..\n\nJERRY\nI know, I hated those kids. In fact,\nI hate anyone that ever had a pony when\nthey were growing up.\n\nMANYA\n..I had a pony.\n\n(The room is dead quiet)\n\nJERRY\n..Well, I didn't really mean a pony,\nper se.\n\nMANYA\n(Angry) When I was a little girl in\nPoland, we all had ponies. My sister\nhad pony, my cousin had pony, ..So,\nwhat's wrong with that?\n\nJERRY\nNothing. Nothing at all. I was just\nmerely expressting..\n\nHELEN\nShould we have coffee? Who's having\ncoffee?\n\nMANYA\nHe was a beautiful pony! And I loved\nhim.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I'm sure you did. Who wouldn't\nlove a pony? Who wouldn't love a person\nthat had a pony?\n\nMANYA\nYou! You said so!\n\nJERRY\nNo, see, we didn't have ponies. I'm\nsure at the time in Poland, they were\nvery common. They were probably like\ncompact cars..\n\nMANYA\nThat's it! I've had enough! (She leaves\nthe room)\n\nISAAC\nHave your coffee, everyone. She's a\nlittle upset. It's been an emotional\nday.\n\n(Isaac leaves, everyone looks at Jerry)\n\nJERRY\nI didn't know she had a pony. How was\nI to know she had a pony? Who figures\nan immigrant's going to have a pony?\nDo you know what the odds are on\n\nthat? I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats\ncoming into New York harbor, I never saw one of them sitting\non a pony. Why would anybody come\n\nhre if they had a pony? Who leaves a country packed with ponies\nto come to a non-pony country? It doesn't make sense.. am I wrong?\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Morty and Helen are leaving, their bags are packed)\n\nJERRY\nI'll drive you to the airport.\n\nHELEN\nNo, we're taking a cab.\n\nJERRY\nI just hope that whole pony incident\ndidn't put a damper on the trip.\n\nHELEN\nDon't be rediculous. It was a misunderstanding.\n\nMORTY\nHey, I agree with him. Nobody likes\na kid with a pony.\n\nJERRY\nWell, if you ever talk to her, tell\nher I'm sorry. Elaine too. She feels\nterrible.\n\nHELEN\nYou know, you should give Manya a call.\n\nJERRY\nMaybe I will.\n\n(Jerry opens his door, Kramer's standing in the hallway)\n\nKRAMER\nOh, hi. I just came to say goodbye.\n(Gestures to the bags) ..Need any help\nwith those?\n\nMORTY\nIt's nothing. I got it. So, how are\nyour levels coming along?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, well.. I decided I'm not gonna do\nit.\n\nJERRY\n(Sarcastically) Really? What a shock.\n\nHELEN\nGoodbye, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nTake care.\n\nHELEN\nWe'll call you. (Leaves)\n\nMORTY\nBye, Jer.\n\nJERRY\nBye, Dad. Take it easy.\n\nMORTY\nBye, Mr. Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. So long, Morty. (Morty leaves)\n\nJERRY\nSo, when do I get my dinner?\n\nKRAMER\nThere's no dinner. The bet's off. I'm\nnot gonna do it.\n\nJERRY\nYes. I know you're not gonna do it.\nThat's why I bet.\n\nKRAMER\nThere's not bet if I' not doing it.\n\nJERRY\nThat's the bet! That you're not doing\nit!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well, I could do it. I don't want\nto do it.\n\nJERRY\nWe didn't bet on if you wanted to. We\nbet on if it would be done.\n\nKRAMER\nAnd it could be done.\n\nJERRY\nWell, of course it could be done! Anything\ncould be done! But it only is done if\nit's done. Show me the levels! The bet\nis the levels.\n\nKRAMER\nBut I don't want the levels!\n\nJERRY\nThat's the bet! (Phone rings, Jerry\nanswers it) Hello? ..No, oh, hi.. no,\nthey just left.. Oh my God.. hand on\na second. Maybe I can still catch them.\n(Jerry\n\ngoes over to the window, and opens it. He yells out of it) Ma!..\nMa!.. Up here! Don't get in the cab! .. Manya died! ..Manya died!!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nHELEN\nWho did you talk to?\n\nJERRY\nUncle Leo.\n\nHELEN\nAnd when's the funeral?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know. He said he'd call back.\n\nMORTY\nYou know what this means, don't you?\nWe lost the supersaver. Those tickets\nare non-refundable.\n\nHELEN\nShe just had a check-up. The doctor\nsaid she was fine. Unless..\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nHELEN\nWhat? Nothing.\n\nJERRY\nYou don't think.. What? The pony remark?\n\nHELEN\nOh, don't be ridiculous. She was an\nold woman.\n\nJERRY\nYou don't think that I killed her?\n\nMORTY\nYou know what the flight back'll cost\nus?\n\nJERRY\nIt was just an innocent comment! I didn't\nknow she had a pony!\n\nMORTY\nMaybe we can get an army transport flight.\nThey got a base in Sarasota, I think.\n\nJERRY\nThe whole thing ws taking out of context.\nIt was a joke. (Phone rings) That's\nprobably Uncle Leo.\n\n(Helen picks it up)\n\nHELEN\nHello? ..Yes, I know.. Well, it's just\none of those things.. Sure, sure, we'll\nsee you then. (Hangs up) The funeral's\nWednesday.\n\nJERRY\nWednesday? What, what Wednesday?\n\nHELEN\nTwo o' clock, Wednesday. (Jerry shrugs)\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nI've got the softball game on Wednesday.\nIt's the championship.\n\nHELEN\nSo? You're not obligated. Go play in\nyour game.\n\nJERRY\nI didn't even know the woman.\n\nHELEN\nSo don't go.\n\nJERRY\nI mean I met her three times. I don't\nknow her last name.\n\nHELEN\nJery, no one's forcing you.\n\nJERRY\nI mean, who has a funeral on a Wednesday?\nThat's what I want to know. I mean,\nit's the championship. I'm hitting everything.\n\nHELEN\nI don't have a dress to wear. (To Morty)\nAnd you. You don't have anything.\n\nMORTY\nI got a sport jacket.\n\nHELEN\nYou're not wearing that to a funeral.\n\nMORTY\nWhat's wrong with it?\n\nHELEN\nIt looks ridiculous.\n\nMORTY\nWhat? I'm gonna buy a new jacket now?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know what to do.\n\nMORTY\n..You know what this funeral's gonna\nwind up costing me? Oh boy!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Night club)\n\nJERRY\nWe don't understand death. And the proof\nof this is that we give dead people\na pillow. And, uh, I mean, hey, you\nknow. I think if you can't stretch out\nand\n\nget some solid rest at that point, I don't see how bedding accessories\nreally make the difference. I mean, they got the guy in a suit\nwith a pillow. No is he going to a\n\nmeeting, or is he catching forty winks? I mean, let's make up\nour mind where we think they're going.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Coffee Shop)\n\nELAINE\nI actually like ponies. I was just trying\nto make conversation. What time's your\ngame?\n\nJERRY\nTwo Forty-Five.\n\nELAINE\nAnd what time's the funeral?\n\nJERRY\nTwo o' clock.\n\nELAINE\nHow long does a funeral take?\n\nJERRY\nDepends on how nice the person was.\nBut you gotta figure, even Oswald took\nforty-five minutes.\n\nELAINE\nSo you cna't do both?\n\nJERRY\nYou know, if the situation were reversed\nand Manya had some mah-jongg championship\nor something, I wouldn't expect her\nto go to my funeral. I would\n\nunderstand.\n\nELAINE\nHow can you even consider not going?\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, I've been thinking.. I cannot\nenvision any circumstances in which\nI'll ever have the opportunity to have\nsex again. How's it gonna happen? I\n\njust don't see how it could occur.\n\nELAINE\nYou know, funerals always make me think\nabout my own mortality and how I'm actually\ngoing to die someday. Me, dead. Imagine\nthat.\n\nGEORGE\nThey always make me take stock of my\nlife and how I've pretty much wasted\nall of it, and how I plan to continue\nwasting it.\n\nJERRY\nI know, and then you say to yourself,\n\"From this moment on, I'm not going\nto waste any more of it.\" But then you\ngo, \"How? What can I do that's not\n\nwasting it?\"\n\nELAINE\nIs this a waste of time? What should\nwe be doing? Can't you hae coffee with\npeople?\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, I can't believe you're even\nconsidering not playing. We need you.\nYou're hitting everything.\n\nELAINE\nHe has to go. He may have killed her.\n\nJERRY\nMe? What about you? You brought up the\npony.\n\nELAINE\nOh, yeah, but I didn't say I hated anyone\nwho had one.\n\nGEORGE\n(To Jerry) Who's going to play left\nfield?\n\nJERRY\nBender.\n\nGEORGE\nBender? He can't play left. He stinks.\nI just don't see what purpose is it\ngoing to serve your going? I mean, you\nthink dead peole care who's at the\n\nfuneral? They don't even know they're having a funeral. It's\nnot like she's hanging out in the back going, \"I can't believe\nJerry didn't show up.\"\n\nELAINE\nMaybe she's there in spirit. How about\nthat?\n\nGEORGE\nIf you're a spirit, and you can travel\nto other dimensions and galaxies, and\nfind out the mysteries of the universe,\nyou think she's going to want to hang\n\naround Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway?\n\nELAINE\nGeorge, I met this woman! She is not\ntraveling to any other dimensions.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know how easy it is for dead people\nto travel? It's not like getting on\na bus. One second. It's all mental.\n\nJERRY\nFifty years they were married. Now he's\nmoving to Pheonix.\n\nELAINE\nPhoenix? What's happening with his appartment?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know. They've been in there\nsince, like, World War II. The rent's\nthree hundred a month.\n\nELAINE\nThree hundred a month? Oh my God.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Funeral home)\n\n(The eulogy is in progress. Jerry attended afterall)\n\nMAN\nAlthough this may seem like a sad even,\nit should not be a day of mourning..\nfor Manya had a rich, fulfilling life.\nShe grew up in a different world - a\nsimpler\n\nworld - with loving parents, a beautiful home in the country,\nand from what I understand, she eve had a pony.. (Jerry throws\nhis hands up) Oh, how she loved that\n\npony. Even in her declining years, whenever she would speak of\nit, her eyes would light up. It's lustrous coat, it's flowing\nmane. It was the pride of Krakow. (Jery\n\nsinks in his seat)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Anteroom of funeral parlor)\n\nJERRY\n(Looking at his watch) Well, the game's\nstarting just about now.\n\nHELEN\nIt was good that the two of you came.\nIt was a nice gesture.\n\n(Scene cuts to Morty talking to an intern)\n\nINTERN\nI'm not a doctor yet, Uncle Morty. I'm\njust an intern. I can't write a note\nto an airline.\n\nMORTY\nYou've got your degree. They don't care.\nThey just want to see something.\n\n(Scene cuts back to Jerry)\n\nJERRY\n(To Isaac) I just wanted to say how\nsorry I was..\n\nLEO\n(Interrupting) Jerry, you wanna hear\nsomething? Your cousin, Jeffrey, is\nswitching parks. They're transferring\nhim to Riverside - so he'll completely\nrevamp that\n\noperation, you understand? He'll do in Riverside what he did\nin Central Park. It's more money. So, that's your cousin.\n\n(Scene cuts back to Morty)\n\nMORTY\nYou don't understand, I've never paid\na full fare.\n\nJERRY\n(To Isaac) Once again, I just want to\nsay how sorry I am abou tthe other night.\n\nELAINE\nOh, me too.\n\nISAAC\nOh no, no, no. She forgot all about\nthat. She was much mor upset about the\npotato salad.\n\nELAINE\nSo, I understand you're moving to Phoenix?\n\n(Jerry shake his head and walks away)\n\nISAAC\nYeah, my brother lives there. I think\nManya would've liked Phoenix.\n\nELAINE\nMmm.. gorgeous, exquisite town. Who,\nwhat's happening with your apartment?\n\nISAAC\nOf course it's very hot there. I'l lhave\nto get an air conditioner.\n\nELAINE\nOh, you can have mine. I'll ship it\nout ot you.. but what about that big\napartment on West End Avenue?\n\nISAAC\nAlthough they say it's a dry heat.\n\nELAINE\nDry, wet.. what's happening with your\napartment?\n\nISAAC\nI don't even know if I should take my\nwinter clothing.\n\nELAINE\nI have an idea. Leave the winter clothing\nin the apartment, and I'll watch it\nfor you and I'll live there and I'll\nmake sure that nothing happens to it.\n\n(Jerry comes back)\n\nISAAC\nOh, the apartment. Jeffrey's taking\nthe apartment.\n\nELAINE\n(to Jerry) Oh, Jeffrey.\n\nJERRY\n(To Elaine) You know Jeffery?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, from what I understand, he works\nfor the Parks Department.\n\n(Helen approaches Jerry)\n\nHELEN\nIt's raining.\n\nJERRY\n(Moves to the window) It's raining?\nIt's raining. The game will be postponed.\nWe'll play tomarrow.\n\n(Scene cuts back to Morty)\n\nMORTY\nBelieve me, I wouldn't bother you if\nthe army hadn't closed that base in\nSarasota. Here, scribble a little something\nhere.\n\nINTERN\nI can't. I'll get in trouble.\n\nMORTY\nOh, for God's sakes!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Coffee Shop)\n\nGEORGE\nWho gets picked off in softball? It's\nunheard of.\n\nJERRY\nIt's never happend to me before.\n\nELAINE\nI remember saying to myself, \"Why is\nJerry so far off the base?\"\n\nJERRY\nI'll have to live with this shame for\nthe rest of my life.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd they in the fifth inning, why did\nyou take off on the pop fly?\n\nJERRY\nI thought there were two outs.\n\nELAINE\nI couldn't believe it when I saw you\nrunning. I thought maybe they had changed\nthe rules or something.\n\nJERRY\nIt was the single worst moment of my\nlife.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about Sharon Besser?\n\nJERRY\nOh, well, of course. 1973.\n\nELAINE\nMakes you wonder, though, doesn't it?\n\nJERRY\nWonder about what?\n\nELAINE\nYou know.. the spirit world.\n\nJERRY\nYou think Manya showed up during the\ngame and put a hex on me?\n\nELAINE\nI never saw anyone play like that.\n\nJERRY\nBut I went ot the funeral.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, but that doesn't make up for killing\nher.\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe Manya missed the funeral because\nshe was off visiting another galaxy\nthat day.\n\nJERRY\nDon't you think she would've heard I\nwas there?\n\nGEORGE\nNot necessarily. (Elaine laughs)\n\nJERRY\nWho figures and immigrant's gonna have\na pony?\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Night Club)\n\nJERRY\nWhat is the pony? What is the point\nof the pony? Why do we have these animals,\nthese ponies? What do we do with them?\nBesides the pony ride. Why\n\nponies? What are we doing with them? I mean, police don't use\nthem for, you know, crowd control. \"Hey, uh, you wanna get back\nbehind the barricades. Hey!\n\nHey, little boy. Yeah, I'm talking to you. Behind the barricades!\"\nSo somebody, I assume, genetically engineered these ponies. Do\nyou think they could make them\n\nany size? I mean, could they make them like the size of a quarter,\nif they wanted? That would be fun for Monopoly, though, wouldn't\nit? Just have a little pony and\n\nyou put him on the, \"Baltic, that's two down, go ahead. Hold\nit. Right ther, Baltic. yeah, that's it. Fine. Right there, hold\nit right there.\"\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Jacket.html",
    "text": "THE JACKET\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David & Jerry Seinfeld\n\n(Night club)\n\nJERRY\nI hate clothes, okay? I hate buying\nthem. I hate picking them out of my\ncloset. I can't stand every day trying\nto come up with little outfits for myself.\nI think\n\neventually fashion won't even exist. It won't. I think eventually\nwe'll all be wearing the same thing. 'Cause anytime I see a movie\nor a TV show where there's people\n\nfrom the future of another planet, they're all wearing the same\nthing. Somehow they decided \"This is going to be our outfit.\nOne-piece silver jumpsuit, V-stripe, and\n\nboots. That's it.\" We should come up for an outfit for earth.\nAn earth outfit. We should vote on it. Candidates propose different\noutfits, no speeches. They walk out,\n\ntwirl, walk off. We just sit in the audience and go, \"That was\nnice. I could wear that.\"\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Clothing store)\n\nJERRY\nI think I've seen enough.\n\nSALESMAN\nWell, I might have something in the\nback.\n\nELAINE\nThe back? They never find anything in\nthe back. If they had anything good\nin the back, they'd put it out in the\nfront.\n\nJERRY\nWhy don't they open up an entire store\nfor the back? Call it, \"Just Back.\"\nAll back. No front. You walk in the\nfront, you're immediately in the back.\n(Picks\n\nup a tie display) Look, Elaine, tie car wash.\n\nCUSTOMER\n(Sees the book Elaine is holding) Oh,\nI just read that. That's terrific.\n\nJERRY\n(Pointing to Elaine) Her father wrote\nthat.\n\nCUSTOMER\nAlton Benes is your father?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nCUSTOMER\nI always felt he deserved a wider audience.\n\nELAINE\nI'm not so sure he wants one. (Customer\nleaves) Hey, don't forget Sunday, okay?\nYou and George are coming, right? Hotel\nWestbury, eight o' clock.\n\nJERRY\n..I guess I'm coming.. I mean..\n\nELAINE\nWhat? What, you don't want to go now?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I'll go. I'm going.\n\nELAINE\nNo, Jerry, you have to. I need a buffer.\nYou know, I haven't seen my father in\na while and.. you know.\n\nJERRY\nI'm worried I won't be able to talk\nto him. He's such a great writer. Frankly,\nI perfer the company of nitwits.\n\nELAINE\nSo, that's why we're not togeter anymore.\n\nJERRY\n(Looks at a jacket) What is this? (Holds\nit up) This is beautiful.. but these\njackets never fit me right.\n\nELAINE\nTry it on. (Feels it) Wow, this is soft\nsuede.\n\nJERRY\nThis may be the most perfect jacket\nI have ever put on. (Elaine grabs the\ntag) How much is it?\n\nELAINE\n(Shocked) Oh my God.\n\nJERRY\nBad? (Elaine nods) ..Very bad?\n\nELAINE\nYou have no idea.\n\nJERRY\nI have some idea.\n\nELAINE\nNo idea.\n\nJERRY\nI've got a ballpark.\n\nELAINE\nThere is no park and the team has relocated.\n\nJERRY\n(Looks at the tag) ..That is high.\n\nELAINE\nOh man, that is a beautiful jacket,\nthough.\n\nJERRY\n(Looking at the insides of the jacket)\nWhat's with the pink lining and the\ncandy stripes?\n\nELAINE\nWell, it's just a lining. You can always\nhave it changed.\n\nJERRY\nShould I get it? I hate these moments.\nI'm hearing the dual voices now, you\nknow. \"What about the money?\" \"What's\nmoney?\"\n\nSALESMAN\nIt looks wonderful on you.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Jerry's sitting on his couch wearing his pajamas and his new\njacket. He gets up to look at his jacket in the mirror. Kramer\nenters)\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nHey. New jacket?\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you think?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's beautiful.\n\nJERRY\nIs it me?\n\nKRAMER\nThat's definitely you.\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\nKRAMER\nThat's more you than you've ever been.\n(Starts looking the jacket over) What\nis with the pink lining?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know. It's got a pink lining.\n\nKRAMER\nOh.. So, what did you pay for this?\n\nJERRY\nI paid what it costs.\n\nKRAMER\nHow much?\n\nJERRY\nWhat's the difference?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat, you're not gonna tell me?\n\nJERRY\nI'd rather not say it out loud. It's\nembarrassing.\n\nKRAMER\nOver three hundred?\n\nJERRY\nYes, but let's just stop it right there.\n\nKRAMER\nIt's over four hundred?\n\nJERRY\nReally, I'm not answering anymore.\n\nKRAMER\nIs it over four hundred?\n\nJERRY\nWould you?\n\nKRAMER\n(Finds the tag) Woah, Nelson!\n\nJERRY\nI know, I know.\n\nKRAMER\n(Talking about his old jacket) What\nare you gonna do with the leather one?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, are you gonna wear it?\n\nJERRY\nMaybe.\n\nKRAMER\n(Looking over the leather jacket) You're\nnot going to wear this.\n\nJERRY\nDo you want it?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, yeah. Okay. I'll take it.. I like\nthe jacket.\n\nJERRY\n(Takes one last look at the leather\njacket) ..Okay, take it.\n\nKRAMER\nGood karma for you. (Kramer puts on\nhis new jacket, and stands next to Jerry,\nlooking in the mirror.) Oh baby.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(George enters singing \"Master Of the House\" - a Les Miserables\nshow tune)\n\nGEORGE\n\"Master of the house.. doling out the\ncharm, ready with a handshake and an\nopen palm. Tells a saucy talke, loves\nto make a stir everyone appreciates\na..\"\n\nJERRY\nWhat is that song?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, it's from Les Miserables. I went\nto see it last wee. I can't get it out\nof my head. I just keep singing it over\nand over. It just comes out. I have\nno\n\ncontrol over it. I'm singing it on elevators, buses. I sing it\ninfront of clients. It's taking over my life.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, Schumann went mad from that.\n\nGEORGE\nArtie Schumann? From Camp Hatchapee?\n\nJERRY\nNo, you idiot.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you, Bud Abbott? What, are\nyou calling my an idiot?\n\nJERRY\nYou don't know Rober Schumann? The composer?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, Schumann. Of course.\n\nJERRY\n(Trying to scare George) He went crazy\nfrom one note. He couldn't get it out\nof his head. I think it was an A. He\nkept repeating it over and over again.\nHe\n\nhad to be institutionalized.\n\nGEORGE\nReally? ..Well, what if it doesn't stop?\n(Jerry gestures \"That's the breaks.\"\nGeorge gasps) Oh, that I really needed\nto hear. That helps a lot! Alright,\njust\n\nsay something. Just start talking. Change the subject.. Let's\njust go, alright? I can't believe we're having dinner with Alton\nBenes.\n\nJERRY\nI know exactly what's goin to happen\ntonight. I'm gonna try and act like\nI'm not impressed, he's gonna see right\nthrough it.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, he'll be looking at us like he's\nbackstage at a puppet show.\n\nJERRY\nLet me just get my jacket. (Moves to\nthe bedroom)\n\nGEORGE\n\"Master of the house, keeper of the\ninn..\" (Jerry proudly models his new\njacket infront of George. George looks\nin admiration at the jacket) This is\nhuge!\n\nWhen did this happen?\n\nJERRY\nWednesday. This jacket has completely\nchanged my life. When I leave the house\nin this, it's with a whole different\nconfidence. Like tonight, I might've\nbeen\n\na little nervous. But, inside this jacket, I am composed, grounded,\nsecure that I can meet an social challenge.\n\nGEORGE\n(Nods) Can I say one thing to you? And\nI say this wiht an unblemished record\nof staunch heterosexuality.\n\nJERRY\nAbsolutely.\n\nGEORGE\n..It's fabulous.\n\nJERRY\nI know.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd I'll tell you something else, I'm\nnot even going to ask you. I want to\nknow. But I'm not going to ask. You'll\ntell me when you feel comfortable..\nSo\n\nwhat was it? Four hundred? Five hundred? Did you pay five hundred\nfor this? (Jerry's acting coy throughout the whole thing) Over\nsix? Can't be seven. Don't tell my\n\nyou paid seven hundred dollars for this jacket! Did you pay seven\nhundred dollars for this jacket? Is that what you're saying to\nme?! You are sick! Is that what you\n\npaid for this jacket?! Over seven hundred? What did you pay for\nthis jacket? I won't say anything. I wanna know what you paid\nfor this jacket! Oh my God! A\n\nthousand dollars?! You paid a thousand dollars for this jacket?!\nAlright, fine. I'm walking out of here right now thinking you\npaid a thousand dollars for this jacket,\n\nunless you tell me different. (Jerry still coy, stays silent)\nOh, ho! Alright! I'll tell you what, if you don't say anything\nin the next five seconds, I'll know it was over a\n\nthousand..\n\n(Enter Kramer)\n\nKRAMER\nHey. Hey, would you do me a solid?\n\nJERRY\nWell, what kind of solid?\n\nKRAMER\nI need you to sit in the car for two\nminutes while it's double-parked. I\ngotta pick up some birds.\n\nJERRY\nBirds?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. A friend of mine, he's a magician.\nHe's going away on vacation. He asked\nme to take care of his doves.\n\nJERRY\nSo take a cab.\n\nKRAMER\nThey won't take a cage full of birds.\n\nJERRY\nI can't. I'm on my way out. There's\nno way I can do it.\n\nKRAMER\nGeorge, do me a solid? Two minutes.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I'm going with him. I'd like to,\nI've never done a solid before.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright.. yeah.. alright, have a good\none.\n\n(Kramer leaves)\n\nJERRY\n(Scoffs) Two minutes. Believe me, I\nknow his two minutes.. By his conception\nof time, his life will last over two\nthousand years.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Hotel lobby)\n\n(Jerry and George enter. George's singing \"Master of the House\")\n\nGEORGE\n\"Master of the House. Quick to catch\nyour eye, never wants a passerby to\npass him by.\"\n\nJERRY\n(Points to his head) Schumann. (George\ngets visibly scared) Where are they?\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe he didn't show up.\n\nJERRY\nWhat, you don't want to do this?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't think there's ever been an appointment\nin my life where I wanted the other\nguy to show up.\n\nGEORGE\n(Sees an elderly man sitting on a leather\nchair) Wait a second, is that him?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I think it is. (They walk tward\nhim) Where's Elaine?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm nervous.\n\nJERRY\nExcuse me.. Mister Benes?\n\nALTON\nYeah?\n\nJERRY\nI'm Jerry. Elaine's friend.. and this\nis George.\n\nGEORGE\n(Holds out his hand for a handshake)\nIt's a great thrill to meet you, Sir.\n\n(Alton starts hacking, George withdraws his hand)\n\nALTON\nSit down. Want a drink?\n\nJERRY\nSure.\n\nALTON\n(Summons waiter) What do you have?\n\nJERRY\n(To waiter) I'll have a cranberry juice\nwith two limes.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd, I'll have a club soda with no ice.\n\nBENES\n(Gives both Jerry and George a look)\nI'll have another Scotch with plenty\nof ice.\n\nGEORGE\nYou like ice?\n\nALTON\nHuh?\n\nGEORGE\nI said, do you like ice?\n\nALTON\nLike it?\n\nGEORGE\nDon't you think you get more without\nit?\n\nALTON\n(Pauses) Where's Elaine?\n\nJERRY\nWell, we thought she was meeting you\nearlier. She's usually pretty punctual.\n(Alton remains quiet) ..Don't you find\nthat, George?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, yeah. She's punctual.. and she's\nbeen late sometimes.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, yeah. Sometimes she's on time,\nand sometimes she's late.\n\nGEORGE\nI guess today she's late.\n\nJERRY\nIt appears that way.\n\nGEORGE\nYep.\n\nJERRY\nYep.\n\n(Both Jerry and George look at the door, anticipating Elaine's\narrival)\n\nALTON\nLooks like rain.\n\nGEORGE\n(Perks up) I know, I know, that's what\nthey said.\n\nALTON\nWho said?\n\nGEORGE\nThe weather guy, Dr. Waldo.\n\nALTON\nI don't need anybody to tell me it's\ngonna rain.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, of course not. I didn't..\n\nALTON\nAll I have to do is stick my head out\nthe window. (Waiter shows up with the\ndrinks) Which one's suppose to be the\nfunny guy?\n\nGEORGE\n(Pointing at Jerry) Oh, he's the comedian.\n\nJERRY\nI'm just a regular person.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no. He's just being modest.\n\nALTON\nWe had a funny guy with us in Korea.\nA tailgunner. They blew his brains out\nall over the Pacific. (Long pause) There's\nnothing funny about that.\n\n(Jerry and George turn to the door again)\n\nJERRY\nWould you excuse me a minute? I'm gonna\ngo to the bathroom. I'll be right back.\n\n(Jerry leaves. George is left alone with Alton)\n\nGEORGE\nI just wanted to tell you that I really\nenjoyed Fair Game. I thought it was\njust brilliant.\n\nALTON\nDrivel.\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe some parts.\n\nALTON\nWhat parts?\n\nGEORGE\nThe drivel parts.. Oh my gosh, I just\nrealized - I have to make a phone call.\nI can believe.. would you.. (Gets up,\nand leaves)\n\n(Scene cuts to the hotel bathroom)\n\nGEORGE\nThank you for leaving me alone with\nhim!\n\nJERRY\nThat was brutal. I can't go back out\nthere.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, let's just leave.\n\nJERRY\nElaine'll kill me.\n\nGEORGE\nWhere is she?\n\nJERRY\nShe's gotta be here soon.\n\nGEORGE\nHow could she leave us alone with this\nlunatic? Ten more minutes, and that's\nit! I'm leaving. I have to tell you,\nthis guy scares me.\n\nJERRY\nThe waiter was trembling.\n\nGEORGE\nIf she doesn't show up, we can't possibly\nhave dinner with him alone.\n\nJERRY\nHow are we gonna get out of it?\n\nGEORGE\nWe'll say we're frightened and we have\nto go home.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, that's good. He'd clunk our heads\ntogether like Moe.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know. Just start scratching.\nTell him you have the crabs. He was\nin the military. He'll understand that.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Night club)\n\nJERRY\nAll fathers are intimidating. They're\nintimidating because they are fathers.\nOnce a man has children, for the rest\nof his life, his attitude is, \"To hell\nwith the\n\nworld, I can make my own people. I'll eat whatever I want. I'll\nwear whatever I want, and I'll create whoever I want.\"\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Hotel lobby)\n\n(Jerry and George come back from the bathroom)\n\nALTON\nWho'd you call?\n\nGEORGE\n(Caught off guard) My uncle is having\nan operation. I just wanted to see how\nhe was.\n\nALTON\nWhat kind of operation?\n\nGEORGE\nBone marrow.\n\n(Manager approaches)\n\nMANAGER\nMister Benes?\n\nALTON\nYes?\n\nMANAGER\nA message for you. (Hands him a message)\n\nALTON\nFrom Elaine. She got tied up. She'll\nbe here in thirty minutes. (Jerry and\nGeorge freeze)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Hotel lobby)\n\nALTON\nYeah, they should've taken care of Castro\nwhen they had the chance. Like we did\nin Guatamala in 'fifty-three.\n\nJERRY\n(Adding) Well, Guatamala.\n\nGEORGE\nSure, Guatamala.\n\nALTON\n(Gets up) Alright, you boys get yourselves\ntogether. We'll head up to the restaurant.\nI'll leave a note for Elaine. I'm going\nto the bathroom. (Leaves)\n\nGEORGE\nCome on, let's go!\n\nJERRY\nWhat about Elaine?\n\nGEORGE\nTo hell with Elaine!\n\nJERRY\nShe'll be furious.\n\nGEORGE\nWe're dying here!\n\n(Elaine enters)\n\nJERRY\nThat's her! She's here!\n\nELAINE\nI'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Where is Dad?\n\nGEORGE\n(Mocking Alton's voice) He's in the\nbathroom.\n\nJERRY\nWhere have you been?!\n\nELAINE\nKramer, that .. Kramer! I'm just about\nto leave, he calls me up. He begs me\nto sit in his car for two minutes, so\nhe can pick up these birds..\n\nJERRY\nOh, you didn't..\n\nELAINE\nWell, he said he'd drive me here right\nafter. So, I am sitting in his car twenty\nminutes! he doesn't come down. I am\nfreezing. Then a cop comes by, tells\nme\n\nto get out of the car. He's a city marshal. He's towing the car\naway. Kramer owes thousands of dollars in back tickets. He was\ngoing to tow it with me in the car!\n\nSo, they tow the car. Now, I am standing outside, and I am freezing,\nbut I cannot leave because I have to tell him what happened to\nthe car.. so, finally, he finally\n\ncomes down with his giant cage filled with doves. He said he\nwas getting special instructions, that each dove has a different\ndiet. So, we're wandering around trying\n\nto get a cab, when two of these doves fly out! Now we're running\ndown the street after these doves. I almost got hit by a bus.\n(Sits down, takes a deep breath) ..So\n\nhow's everything going over here?\n\nJERRY\n(After hearing Elaine's story, his is..)\nGreat.\n\nGEORGE\nCouldn't be better.\n\nELAINE\nGood. 'Cause Dad can make some people\na little uncomfortable.\n\nJERRY\nOh, no, no.\n\nGEORGE\nGet outta here..\n\nELAINE\nMan, Kramer! I could kill him.\n\nJERRY\nI can't believe it. You know better\nthan to get involved with Kramer.\n\nELAINE\nHe said he'd give me a lift.\n\nJERRY\nAh, the lift. Like the lure of the siren's\nsong. Never what it seems to be, yet\nwho among us can resist?\n\nGEORGE\nWhere do you come up with this stuff?\n\nALTON\n(Returns) Well, look who's here.\n\nELAINE\nOh, Hi, Dad.\n\nALTON\n(Kisses Elaine) Hello, dear. Who's the\nlipstick for?\n\nELAINE\nNo one.\n\nALTON\n..How's your mother?\n\nELAINE\nFine.\n\nALTON\nHow about you? Are you working?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I'm reading manuscripts for Pendant\nPublishing. I told you ten times.\n\nALTON\nPendant, those bastards.. Alright, boys.\nWe'll go to that Pakistani restaurant\non 46th Street. You're not afraid of\na little spice, are you?\n\n(They all head for the door. Jerry and George trail behind a\nlittle)\n\nGEORGE\n\"Master of the house, doling out the\ncharm. Ready with a handshake and an\nopen..\"\n\nALTON\nPipe down, chorus boy.\n\n(Alton glares, George gets embarrassed)\n\nELAINE\nOhh.. it's snowing. It's beautiful.\n\nJERRY\n(To George) Snow.. snow, that can't\nbe good for suede, can it?\n\nGEORGE\nI wouldn't think so.\n\nJERRY\nWhat should I do? (To Alton) We're taking\na cab, aren't we?\n\nALTON\nCab? It's only five blocks.\n\nGEORGE\n(To Jerry) Why don't you just turn it\ninside out?\n\nJERRY\nInside out! Great.\n\n(Jery turns his jacket inside out, showing of the pink striped\ninsides. Alton stops him before Jerry can leave the hotel)\n\nALTON\nWait a minute. What the hell do you\ncall this?\n\nJERRY\nOh, I turned my jacket inside out.\n\nALTON\nWell, you look like a damn fool!\n\nJERRY\n(Like a child) Well, it's a new suede\njacket. It might get ruined.\n\nALTON\nWell, you're not going to walk down\nthe street with my and my daughter dressed\nlike that! That's for damn sure!\n\n(Jerry looks at George)\n\nGEORGE\nIt's only a few blocks.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Jerry's heading out, the intercom buzzes)\n\nJERRY\n(Into intercom) Elaine?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nCome on up.\n\n(Enter Kramer)\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nI've gotta feed the birds.\n\nJERRY\nSo?..\n\nKRAMER\nYou got any of those mini Ritzes?\n\n(Jerry reaches up, and pulls out some mini Ritzes)\n\nJERRY\nI can't believe I do.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah! ..Well, are you going out?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, where's your new jacket? (Jerry\npoints to the jacket hanging in the\nbathroom. It's ruined, and unwearable)\nWhat? (Kramer enters the bathroom,\n\nhe's shocked at the sight of the jacket) Ohhh. What did you do\nto it?\n\nJERRY\nI was out in the snow last night.\n\nKRAMER\nDon't youk now what that does to suede?\n\nJERRY\nI have an idea. (Elaine enters) We can\nmake the nine-thirty at Cinema III.\n\nELAINE\nOkay.. (To Kramer) Hello. (To Jerry)\nListen, thanks again for coming last\nnight. Dad said he had a great time.\n\nJERRY\nIs he still in town?\n\nELAINE\nNo, he's driving back to Maryland tonight.\n\nKRAMER\n(Talking about the ruined jacket) So,\nuh.. what are you gonna do with that\none now?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know.\n\nKRAMER\nWell?..\n\nELAINE\n(To Jerry) I didn't want to tell you\nthis, but usually he hates everyone.\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\nKRAMER\nYou gonna throw this out?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I can't wear it.\n\nELAINE\n(To Jerry) Yeah, he like you though.\nSaid you reminded him of somebody he\nknew in Korea.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, if you're just gonna throw it\nout, you know, I could take it.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, go ahead, take it.\n\nELAINE\nDad thinks George is gay.\n\nJERRY\nOh, because of all that singing?\n\nELAINE\nNo, he pretty much thinks everyone is\ngay.\n\n(Kramer returns from the bathroom wearing the ruined suede jacket)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, see, I like it like this.\n\nELAINE\n(Pointing at the jacket Kramer's wearing)\nIsnt' that..? (Jerry nods) Oh, is this\nfromt he snow last night? (Jerry nods\nagain) Ugh.. you know what you\n\nshould've done? You should've turned it inside out.\n\nJERRY\nI'll try and remember that.\n\nKRAMER\n(Talking about the leather jacket from\nthe start of the show) Boy, it's too\nbad you gave me this one too.\n\nJERRY\n(Sarcastic) Yeah, too bad.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm gonna have to do something about\nthis lining.\n\n(Kramer exits, Scene ends)\n\n(Alton Benes' car)\n\n(Alton is driving home, then all the sudden, he starts to sing)\n\nALTON\n\"Master of the house doling out the\ncharm, ready with a handshake and an\nopen palm..\"\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Night club)\n\nJERRY\nI had a leather jacket that got ruined.\nNow, why does moisture ruin leather?\nI don't get this. Aren't cows ouside\nmost of the time? I don't understand\nit.\n\nWhen it's raining do cows go up to the farmhouse, \"Let us in,\nwe're all wearing leather.. Open the door! We're gonna ruin the\nwhole outfit here..\" \"Is it suede?\" \"I am\n\nsuede, the whole thing is suede, I can't have this cleaned. It's\nall I got!\"\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Phone-Message.html",
    "text": "THE PHONE MESSAGE\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David & Jerry Seinfeld\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nThe bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television\nis\n\ndoing something better than what you're doing. Did you ever see\nanybody on TV\n\nlike just sliding off the front of the sofa with potato chip\ncrumbs on their\n\ncommercial people - where do they summon this enthusiasm? Have\nyou seen them?\n\n\"We have soda, we have soda, we have soda\", jumping, laughing,\nflying through\n\nthe air - it's a can of soda. Have you ever been standing there\nand you're\n\nwatching TV and you're drinking the exact same product that they're\nadvertising\n\nright there on TV, and it's like, you know, they're spiking volleyballs,\n\njetskiing, girls in bikinis and I'm standing there - \"Maybe I'm\nputting too much\n\nice in mine.\"\n\nGEORGE\nSo then, as we were leaving, we were\njust kind of standing there,\n\nand she was sort of smiling at me, and I wasn't sure if she wanted\nme to ask her\n\nout, because when women smile at me I don't know what it means.\nSometimes I\n\ninterpret it like they're Psychotic or something and I don't\nknow if I'm\n\nsupposed to smile back, I don't know what to do. So I just stood\nthere like -\n\nremember how Quayle looked when Benson gave him that Kennedy\nline? - that's what\n\nI looked like.\n\nJERRY\nSo you didn't ask?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I froze.\n\nJERRY\n(Points to counter) Counter.\n\nGEORGE\nOh yeah. So wait, wait. A half-hour\nlater I'm back in the office,\n\nI tell Lloyd the whole story. He says \"So why don't you call\nher\". I says \"I\n\ncan't.\" I couldn't, I couldn't do it right then. For me to ask\na woman out I\n\ngotta get into a mental state like the karate guys before they\nbreak the bricks.\n\nSo Lloyd calls me a wuss.\n\nJERRY\nHe said wuss?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Anyway, he shamed me into it.\n\nJERRY\nSo you called. (They sit at counter)\n\nGEORGE\nRight. And, and to cover my nervousness\nI started eating an apple,\n\nbecause I think if they hear you chewing on the other end of\nthe phone, it\n\nmakes you sound casual.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, like a farm boy.\n\nGEORGE\nRight. So I call her up, I tell her\nit's me, she gives me an\n\nenthusiastic 'Hi!'\n\nJERRY\nWow. Enthusiastic 'Hi!', that's beautiful.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, I don't get the enthusiastic 'Hi!',\nI'm outta there.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, so you're chewing your apple,\nyou got your enthusiastic\n\n'Hi!' Go ahead.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, we're talking, and I don't like\nto go too long before I ask them\n\nout, I wanna get it over with right away, so I just blurt out\n\"What are you\n\ndoing Saturday night?\"\n\nJERRY\nAnd?\n\nGEORGE\nShe bought.\n\nJERRY\nGreat day in the morning.\n\nGEORGE\nThen I got off the phone right away.\n\nJERRY\nSure, it's like robbing a bank: you\ndon't loiter around in front of\n\nthe teller holding that big bag of money. You come in, you hit\nand get out.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's amazing: we, we both have dates\non the same night. I can't\n\nremember the last time that happened.\n\nGeorge's car, parked outside apartment building, night. George\nand his date\n\nCAROL\n\nGEORGE\nI can't stand doing laundry. That's\nwhy I have forty pairs of\n\nunderwear.\n\nCAROL\nYou do not.\n\nGEORGE\nAbsolutely. Because instead of doing\na wash, I just keep buying\n\nunderwear. My goal is to have over three hundred and sixty pair.\nThat way, I\n\nonly have to do wash once a year.\n\n(They both laugh)\n\nJerry's car, also parked outside an apartment building. Jerry\nand his\n\nGIRLFRIEND DONNA\n\nJERRY\n(In awful Scots/Irish accent) Come on,\ntry it. Let me hear you try\n\na Scottish accent.\n\nDONNA\nThat's Irish.\n\nJERRY\nIrish, Scottish, what's the difference,\nlassie?\n\n(Donna laughs)\n\nDONNA\nSo, er, thanks for dinner. It was great.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. We should do this again.\n\nDONNA\nWould you like to come upstairs for\nsome coffee?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, no, thanks. I can't drink coffee\nlate at night, it keeps me up.\n\nDONNA\n(Looks disappointed) So, um, OK.\n\nGEORGE\nOK.\n\nDONNA\nGoodnight.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, take it easy.\n\n(Donna leaves car. George realizes what he has done and bashes\nhis\n\nforehead in disgust)\n\nDONNA\nThanks again for the movie.\n\nJERRY\nYou're welcome.\n\nDONNA\nI'd invite you up, but the place is\nbeing painted.\n\nJERRY\nOh, that's OK.\n\nDONNA\nUnless you want to go to your place.\n\nJERRY\nOK, but there's no cake or anything,\nif that's what you're looking\n\nfor.\n\nGEORGE\nTake it easy, huh, take it easy.\n\nJERRY\nI think if one's going to kill oneself,\nthe least you could do is\n\nleave a note - it's common courtesy. I don't know, that's just\nthe way I was\n\nbrought up.\n\nDONNA\nValues are very important.\n\nJERRY\nOh, so important. So what are you doing\nThursday night - you wanna\n\nhave dinner?\n\nDONNA\nThursday's great. (Moves closer)\n\nJERRY\n(Looks at his pants) Tan pants. Why\ndo I buy tan pants, Donna? I\n\ndon't feel comfortable in them.\n\nDONNA\nAre those Cotton Dockers?\n\nJERRY\nOh, I can't begin to tell you how much\nI hate that commercial.\n\nDONNA\nReally? I like that commercial. (Jerry\npauses)\n\nJERRY\nYou like that commercial?\n\nDONNA\nYeah, it's clever.\n\nJERRY\nNow wait a second, you mean the one\nwhere the guys are all standing\n\naround, supposedly being very casual and witty?\n\nDONNA\nYeah, that's the one.\n\nJERRY\nWhat could you possibly like about that?\n\nDONNA\nI don't know, I like the guys.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, they're so funny and so comfortable\nwith each other, and I\n\ncould be comfortable too, if I had pants like that. I could sit\non a porch and\n\nwrestle around, and maybe even be part of a real bull session.\n\nDONNA\nHey, I know guys like that. To me the\ndialogue rings true.\n\nJERRY\n(Shrugs. Pause) Even if the dialogue\ndid ring true. Even if\n\nsomehow somewhere men actually talk like that, what does that\nhave to do with\n\nthe pants? Doesn't that bother you?\n\nDONNA\n(Increasingly annoyed) That's the idea.\nThat's what's clever about\n\nit, that they're not talking about the pants.\n\nJERRY\nBut they're talking about nothing.\n\nDONNA\nThat's the point.\n\nJERRY\nI know the point.\n\nDONNA\nNo one is telling you to like it.\n\nJERRY\nI mean, all those quick shots of the\npants, just pants, pants,\n\npants, pants, pants, pants, pants. What is that supposed to be?\n\n(Donna sighs, leans away from Jerry, looks at watch)\n\nJERRY MONOLOGUE\n\nWhat's brutal about the date is the scrutiny that you put each\nother\n\nthrough. Because whenever you think about this person in terms\nof the future,\n\nyou have to magnify everything about them. You know, like the\nguy'll be like\n\n'I don't think her eyebrows are even. Could I look at uneven\neyebrows for the\n\nrest of my life?' And of course the woman's looking at the guy,\nthinking 'What\n\nis he looking at? Do I want somebody looking at me like this\nfor the rest of my\n\nlife?'\n\nJERRY\nI'm supposed to see her again on Thursday,\nbut can I go out with\n\nsomeone who actually likes this commercial?\n\nELAINE\nI once broke up with a guy because he\ndidn't keep his bathroom clean\n\nenough.\n\nJERRY\nNo kidding. Did you tell him that was\nthe reason?\n\nELAINE\nOh yeah, I told him all the time. You\nwould not have believed his\n\nTUB\ngerms were building a town in there\n- they were constructing offices.\n\nHouses near the drain were going for $150,000.\n\n(George enters, looking miserable, holding a brown paper bag)\n\nELAINE\nHi.\n\n(George produces Pepto-Bismol bottle and box of bicarb from bag,\nplaces\n\nthem on counter)\n\nJERRY\nYou're still thinking about this?\n\nGEORGE\n(While preparing bicarb) She invites\nme up at twelve o clock at\n\nnight, for coffee. And I don't go up. \"No thank you, I don't\nwant coffee, it\n\nkeeps me up. Too late for me to drink coffee.\" I said this to\nher. People\n\nthis stupid shouldn't be allowed to live. I can't imagine what\nshe must think\n\nof me.\n\nJERRY\nShe thinks you're a guy that doesn't\nlike coffee.\n\nGEORGE\nShe invited me up. Coffee's not coffee,\ncoffee is sex.\n\nELAINE\nMaybe coffee was coffee.\n\nGEORGE\nCoffee's coffee in the morning, it's\nnot coffee at twelve o clock at\n\nnight.\n\nELAINE\nWell some people drink coffee that late.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, people who work at NORAD, who're\non twenty-four hour missile\n\nkept saying to myself \"Keep it up, don't blow it, you're doing\ngreat.\"\n\nELAINE\nIt's all in your head. All she knows\nis she had a good time. I\n\nthink you should call her.\n\nGEORGE\nI can't call her now, it's too soon.\nI'm planning a Wednesday call.\n\nELAINE\nOh, why? I love it when guys call me\nthe next day.\n\nGEORGE\nOf course you do, but you're imagining\na guy you like, not a guy who\n\ngoes (in stupid voice) \"Oh no, I don't drink coffee late at night.\"\nIf I call\n\nher now, she's gonna think I'm too needy.\n\nWomen don't wanna see need. They want a take-charge guy - a colonel,\na\n\nkaiser, a tsar.\n\nELAINE\nAll she'll think is that you like her.\n\nGEORGE\nYes, she wants me to like her, if she\nlikes me, but she doesn't like\n\nme!\n\nELAINE\nI don't know what your parents did to\nyou.\n\n(Kramer enters, points at Jerry)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, I just thought of a really funny\nthing for your act. Alright,\n\nyou're up there, you're on the stage and you go \"Hey, you ever\nnotice how cars\n\nhere in New York, they never get out of the way of ambulances\nanymore.\n\nSomeone's in a life-and-death situation, and we're thinking 'Well,\nsorry buddy,\n\nyou should've thought of that when you were eating cheese omelettes\nand sauages\n\nfor breakfast every morning for the last thirty years.'\" So you\ngonna use it?\n\nJERRY\nI don't think so.\n\nKRAMER\nIt's funny.\n\nELAINE\nIt is funny.\n\nKRAMER\nThat's as good as anything you do.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, I gotta make a call. Everybody\nout, come on.\n\nJERRY\nWhy do we have to leave?\n\nGEORGE\nBecause I can't call a woman with other\npeople in the room. Come\n\non, let's go.\n\nELAINE\nOh, see, this is the problem.\n\nJERRY\nYou're kicking me out of my house?\n\nGEORGE\nYes.\n\nELAINE\nDon't forget.\n\nGEORGE\nOh Jerry, do you have any apples?\n\nJERRY\nDon't do the apples. That's enough already\nwith the apples.\n\n(Elaine, Kramer and Jerry leave. George removes jacket, dials\nphone)\n\nPHONE\nHi, it's Carol, I 'll get back to you.\n(Beep)\n\nGEORGE\nUhm, hi, it's George, George Costanza,\nremember me? The guy that\n\ndidn't come up for coffee.\n\nYou see, I didn't realise that coffee didn't really mean ...\nwell,\n\nwhatever. Anyway, it was fun. It was, erm, it was fun, so, oh\nboy, uhm, so,\n\nyou call me back. If you want, it's up to you, you know, whatever\nyou wanna do.\n\nEither way. The ball's in your court. So, er, take it easy.\n\n(Hangs up. Jerry enters)\n\nJERRY\nI'm just gonna get my jacket, I'll meet\nyou downstairs. What's the\n\nmatter, did you call?\n\n(Elaine enters)\n\nGEORGE\nGot her machine. I'm dead, I'm a dead\nman. That's it. I'm dead,\n\nI'm a dead man. Dead man.\n\nJERRY\nWhat did you say?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know what the hell I said. I\ngave her an ultimatum and\n\nthere's nothing I can do. It's a machine. The little light is\nblinking right\n\nNOW\n'Come and listen to the idiot. Hey everybody,\nthe idiot's on!'\n\nJERRY\nAfter one date you try and improvise\non her machine?\n\nGEORGE\nNow I'm in the worst position of all.\n\nELAINE\nY'know, my brother-in-law once left\na message on this guy's machine,\n\nand he blurted out some business information he wasn't supposed\nto, and it would\n\nhave cost him $15,000, so he waited outside the guy's house and\nwhen the guy\n\ncame home he went upstairs with him and he switched the tape.\n\nGEORGE\nHe did that?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nSomebody did that?\n\nJERRY\nShe'll call you back. You're overreacting.\n\nJERRY\nNot once.\n\nDONNA\nNever?\n\nJERRY\nI have never seen one episode of 'I\nLove Lucy' in my life ever.\n\nDONNA\nThat's amazing.\n\nJERRY\nThank you.\n\nDONNA\nIs there anything else about you I should\nknow?\n\nJERRY\nYes, I'm lactose intolerant.\n\nDONNA\nReally?\n\nJERRY\nI have no patience for lactose. And\nI won't stand for it. Uhm,\n\nI'll be right back. (Goes to bathroom)\n\n(George enters)\n\nGEORGE\nWait till you hear this (sees Donna).\nWhoa, ah, I'm sorry, I\n\ndidn't, I had no idea. (Goes to leave)\n\nDONNA\nWait, wait. He's in the bathroom.\n\nGEORGE\nI just wanted to talk to him for a minute,\nbut I'll come back.\n\nDONNA\nYou don't have to leave.\n\nGEORGE\nYou sure?\n\nDONNA\nYes.\n\nGEORGE\nOK.\n\nDONNA\nI'm Donna.\n\nGEORGE\nDonna. Oh, you're the one that likes\nthat commercial!\n\nDONNA\nHe told you about that.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, he, he didn't actually tell me that,\nuh, we were talking about\n\nthat commercial, in fact I think I brought it up because I like\nthat commercial.\n\nNo, he, he would never tell me anything like that. He never discusses\nanything.\n\nHe's, he's like a clam. You're not gonna mention this, to him..\n(Jerry re-\n\nenters)\n\nDONNA\n(To Jerry) So you go around telling\nyour friends I'm not hip\n\nbecause I like that commercial.\n\nJERRY\nWhat? (To George) What did, what did\nyou say?\n\nGEORGE\nSay? What? Nothing, I..\n\nDONNA\nYou told him how I like the commercial.\n\nJERRY\nWell, so what if I said that?\n\nDONNA\nWell, so, you didn't have to tell your\nfriends.\n\nJERRY\nNo, I had to tell my friends, my friends\ndidn't have to tell you.\n\nGEORGE\n(To Donna) Why did you have to get me\nin trouble?\n\nDONNA\nI don't like you talking about me with\nyour friends behind my back.\n\nGEORGE\nBoy oh boy.\n\nJERRY\nI said I couldn't believe you liked\nthat commercial. So what?\n\nDONNA\nI asked some friends of mine this week,\nand all of them liked the\n\ncommercial.\n\nJERRY\nBoy, I bet you got a regular Algonquin\nround table there.\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nK Hey.\n\nJERRY\nOh, Kramer, this is Donna.\n\nk Oh. Cotton Dockers!\n\nGEORGE\nHello! Alright, we should be going.\nCome on .(Grabs Kramer)\n\nk What? Where are we going?\n\nGEORGE\nCome on!\n\nDONNA\nDon't bother, I'm leaving.\n\nJERRY\nDonna, really, you're making too much\nof this.\n\nK One hundred percent Cotton Dockers, if they're not Dockers,\nthey're just\n\npants!\n\nJERRY\nPlease, Donna.\n\nDONNA\nI don't wanna hear it.(Leaves)\n\nGEORGE\nI can't believe I said that. You know\nme, I'm a vault.\n\nJERRY\nDon't worry about it, it wasn't working\nanyway.\n\nk What happened there?\n\nJERRY\nI'll tell you later.\n\nGEORGE\nYou are not gonna believe what's going\non with this woman.\n\nGEORGE\nOK, so you remember I made the initial\ncall Sunday, she doesn't call\n\nback. I call again Monday, I leave another message. I call Tuesday,\nI get the\n\nMACHINE AGAIN\n\"I know you're there, I don't know what\nyour story is.\"\n\nYesterday, I'm a volcano - I try one more call, the machine comes\non, and fly\n\nlike Mussolini from the balcony- \"Where the hell do you get the\nnerve? You\n\ninvite me up for coffee and then you don't call me back for four\ndays? I don't\n\nlike coffee, I don't have to come up. I'd like to get one more\nshot at the\n\ncoffee just so I could spit it in your face.\"\n\nJERRY\nYou said that?\n\nGEORGE\nI lost it.\n\nJERRY\nI can't blame you. I can't believe she\nnever called you back.\n\nGEORGE\nShe did. Today.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nShe called my office. She said she's\nbeen in the Hamptons since\n\nSunday. She didn't know if I was trying to get in touch with\nher. Her machine\n\nbroke, and she's been using her old machine and she doesn't have\nthe beeper for\n\nit.\n\nJERRY\nSo she didn't get the messages.\n\nGEORGE\nExactly, but they're on there waiting.\nShe said she can't wait to\n\nsee me, we're having dinner tonight. She's supposed to call me\nas soon as she\n\ngets home.\n\nJERRY\nBut what about the messages?\n\n(George produces cassette tape from pocket)\n\nJERRY\nElaine's thing? How you gonna get in?\n\nGEORGE\nI'll meet her outside the building.\n\nJERRY\nBut you know as soon as she gets in\nthe apartment she's going right\n\nfor that machine.\n\nGEORGE\nOr she goes for the bathroom. That's\nmy only chance. Who am I\n\nkidding? I can't do this, I can't do this. I don't even know\nhow to work those\n\nstupid machines.\n\nJERRY\nThere's nothing to it. You lift the\nlid, it comes right out.\n\nGEORGE\nYou do it for me.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nCome on, it'll be so much easier.\n\nJERRY\nHow you gonna get me up there?\n\nGEORGE\nI'll tell her I bumped into you, I'm\ngiving you a ride uptown.\n\nJERRY\nAnd who makes the switch?\n\nGEORGE\nYou do.\n\nJERRY\nI do.\n\nGEORGE\nI can't do it. I'll, I'll keep her busy.\n\nJERRY\nI can't get involved in this.\n\nGEORGE\nI think I may be in love with this woman.\n\nJERRY\nWhat if she sees me?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, you are such a wuss.\n\nJERRY\nA wuss?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nDid you call me a wuss?\n\nGEORGE\nWell there is traffic. It might take\nher till eight-fifteen.\n\nJERRY\nI got one problem: you're keeping her\nbusy in the other room. Now,\n\nwhat if she somehow gets away from you and is coming in? You\nhave to signal me\n\nthat she's coming.\n\nGEORGE\nA signal, right, erm, OK, er OK, the\nsignal is, I'll call out 'Tippy\n\ntoe!'\n\nJERRY\n'Tippy Toe?' I don't think so.\n\nGEORGE\nYou don't like 'Tippy toe?'\n\nJERRY\nNo 'Tippy toe.'\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, er, OK I got it, erm, I'll\nsing.\n\nJERRY\nWhat song?\n\nGEORGE\nErm, 'How do you solve a problem like\nMaria?'\n\nJERRY\nWhat is that?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, it's a lovely song. (Sings) How\ndo you solve a problem like\n\nMaria?\n\nJERRY\nAnything else?\n\nGEORGE\nYou pick it.\n\nJERRY\n'Lemon Tree'\n\nGEORGE\nPeter, Paul and Mary.\n\nJERRY\nNo, Trini Lopez.\n\nBOTH\n(Singing) Lemon tree very pretty and\na lemon flower\n\nGEORGE\nYou got the tape?\n\nJERRY\n(Produces tapes) Standard. Micro.\n\nGEORGE\nHow do you feel? Confident?\n\nJERRY\nFeel good.\n\nGEORGE\nYou nervous?\n\nJERRY\nNot at all.\n\nGEORGE\nGet up, get up, it's her. Oh, the hell\nwith this, I'm scared to\n\ndeath, just walk away, it's off, cancel everything, go!\n\n(Carol arrives)\n\nGEORGE\nHey! What are you doing here? I thought\nI was supposed to call you\n\nwhen I got home.\n\nGEORGE\nI, I couldn't wait. I was too anxious\nto see you.\n\nCAROL\nOh, that's so sweet.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, this is my friend, Jerry Seinfeld.\nI just bumped into him\n\naround the corner. Isn't that a coincidence? The funny thing\nis, I see him all\n\nthe time.\n\nJERRY\nAll the time.\n\nCAROL\nIt's nice to meet you.\n\nJERRY\nHi.\n\nCAROL\nSo, I'm starving. Where are we gonna\neat?\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, we could go uptown, and that\nway we could give Jerry a\n\nride home.\n\nCAROL\nOK. Let's go, I'm ready, where'd you\npark?\n\nGEORGE\nDon't you wanna go upstairs first?\n\nCAROL\nNo, what for? I'll just give my bag\nto the doorman.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, I really need to use the bathroom.\n\nCAROL\nOh well there's a bathroom in the coffee\nshop just next door.\n\nGEORGE\nYes, yes, but er, I have to make a call,\nso...\n\nCAROL\nWell they have a phone.\n\n(George takes Carol to one side)\n\nGEORGE\nI know Jerry. He has this phobia about\npublic toilets. I think we\n\nreally should go upstairs.\n\nCAROL\n(Aloud) You know, I think I will go\nupstairs. I can check my\n\nmachine.\n\nGEORGE\nRight, right.\n\n(They enter building)\n\nCAROL\nThe bathroom's on the hall to the right.\n\nJERRY\nEr, you know, why don't you go first,\nyou just had a long trip.\n\nCAROL\nNo, I'm fine.\n\nJERRY\nUhmmm, you know, it's the damnedest\nthing, it went away.\n\nCAROL\nOh that's weird.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no that can happen. I've, er, I've\nread about that in medical\n\njournals. It's a freak thing, but...\n\nCAROL\nWell, let me just check my messages,\nand we'll go.\n\nGEORGE\nUh, Carol, can I talk to you for a second?\nRight now.\n\nCAROL\nSure.\n\nGEORGE\nPlease, this is very, very important.\n(Leads her to other room)\n\n(Jerry goes over to machine to switch tape)\n\nGEORGE\n(Shouts from other room) Uhh, tippy\ntoe! Tippy toe! Lemon tree!\n\n(Carol reappears followed by George)\n\nCAROL\n(To Jerry) Now I know who you are. You're\na comedian. I've seen\n\nyou, it's driving me crazy.\n\nJERRY\nRight. I am.\n\nGEORGE\nCarol, that's so rude. Please, I'm serious,\njust for a moment, if\n\nyou wouldn't mind, and then we'll talk to Jerry.\n\n(George leads Carol back out, Jerry switches tapes)\n\nJERRY\n(Shouts) Hey you two. I'm ready to go.\n\n(George and Carol return)\n\nCAROL\nThat's what you had to tell me? Your\nfather wears sneakers in the\n\npool?\n\nGEORGE\n(To Jerry) Don't you find that strange?\n\nJERRY\nYes.\n\nCAROL\nWell, I'll just check my machine and\nwe'll go. No, nothing here,\n\nlet's go. Oh, I forgot to tell you. After I talked to you today\nmy neighbour\n\ncalled me and played my messages to me over the phone.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, uhhh...\n\nCAROL\nYours were hilarious, we were both cracking\nup. I just love jokes\n\nlike that.\n\n(All three leave)\n\nI love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish\nif I saw\n\nsomebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could go \"Excuse\nme, I'm not\n\nin right now. If you could just leave a message, I could walk\naway.\" I also\n\nhave a cordless phone, but I don't like that as much, because\nyou can't slam\n\ndown a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone\n- \"You can't\n\ntalk to me like that!\" Bang! You know. You get mad at somebody\non a cordless\n\nphone - \"You can't talk to me like that!\" (Mimes fiddly button-pressing)\n\"I\n\ntold him!\"\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Apartment.html",
    "text": "THE APARTMENT\n\nWritten by\n\nPeter Mehlman\n\n(Night club)\n\nJERRY\nWell, I painted my apartment again.\nI've been living in this apartment for\nyears and years, and every time I paint\nit, it kinda gets me down. I look around,\n\nand I think, well, it's a little bit smaller now. You know, I\nrealize it's just the thickness of the paint, but I'm aware of\nit. It keeps coming in and coming in. Everytime I\n\npaint it, it's closer and closer. I don't even know where the\nwall outlets are anymore. I just look for like a lump with two\nslots in it. Kinda looks like a pig is trying to\n\npush his way through from the other side. That's where I plug\nin.. My idea of the perfect living room would be the bridge on\nthe Starship Enterprise. You know what\n\nI mean? Big chair, nice screen, remote control.. that's why Star\nTrek really was the ultimate male fantasy. Just hurling through\nspace in your living room, watching\n\nTV. That's why all the aliens were always dropping in, because\nKirk was the only one that had a big screen. They came over Friday\nnight, Klingon boxing.. gotta be\n\nthere.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Jerry and Elaine are looking at Kramer with their arms folded.\nHis hair is slicked down)\n\nJERRY\nWhat did you do?\n\nKRAMER\nMousse. I moussed up.\n\nELAINE\nI guess it was just a matter of time.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, I should've done this years\nago. I mean, I feel like I had two lives.\nMy pre-mousse and now, I begin my post-mousse.\nHey, tell me the truth,\n\nhave you ever seen a better looking guy?\n\nJERRY\nOh, look, its so subjective.\n\nELAINE\nI don't mean to interrupt or anything,\nbut on Sunday, my friend is having a\nbrunch for the New York Marathon.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I keep forgetting to enter that.\n\nELAINE\nShe lives right above First Avenue,\nand says she has a perfect view of the\nrace. And she said I can invite some\nfriends.\n\nJERRY\nMaybe.\n\n(A loud argument erupts in the hallway between Harold and Manny,\nthe building supervisors)\n\nHAROLD\nNo, I'm not going up there. (Manny screams\nout something in Spanish)\n\nJERRY\nHarold and Manny.\n\nHAROLD\nI'm not going. (Manny says something\nin Spanish, Jerry goes out into the\nhall)\n\nJERRY\nBoys, boys.\n\nHAROLD\nOh, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nI slid the rent under your door, Harold.\nDid you get it?\n\nHAROLD\nYeah, yeah.. (Joking) Hey, Jerry, would\nyou like anything from Mrs. Hudwalker's\napartment? (Manny starts yelling at\nHarold in Spanish) I was only\n\njoking. (To Jerry) He thinks I'm going to give you Mrs. Hudwalker's\nthings. (Manny starts talking in Spanish) We have to go up there\nnow and clean the apartment.\n\nIt's a good thing her rent was overdue. She'd be rotting up there\nfor a month.\n\nJERRY\nShe died? ..Mrs. Hudwalker died?\n\nHAROLD\nNinety-four years old. I found her yesterday.\nShe didn't have a wig on. It was horrifying.\n\nMANNY\nHarold, (In Spanish) Come on, hurry\nup!\n\nHAROLD\n(To Manny) What's the matter with you?!\nI'm talking. So, Jerry, you know anyone\nwho needs an apartment?\n\nJERRY\nAre you kidding? You know my friend\nElaine?\n\nHAROLD\nOh yeah, I like her. She always says\n\"hello\" to me.\n\nJERRY\nIt's not promised to anybody? 'Cause\nshe would take it in a second.\n\nHAROLD\nWell, Manny wanted it for his brother,\nbut he got deported. (Manny starts protesting\nin Spanish) What's the difference? It's\ntrue.\n\nJERRY\nSo, it's okay? I could just tell her\nshe can have it?\n\nHAROLD\nSure, sure. She's getting a bargain,\ntoo. It's only four hundred dollars\na month. (Manny yells in Spanish) Okay..\n(Manny keeps talking in Spanish) Okay.\n\n(Jerry goes back to his apartment, passing Kramer on the way)\n\nKRAMER\n(Talking about his hair) Hey, Harold,\nwhat do you think?\n\nHAROLD\nManny, look, Kramer put mousse in his\nhair.\n\nMANNY\n(In Spanish) It looks worse.\n\nKRAMER\n(Not knowing what Manny said) Thanks.\n\n(Jerry enters his apartment)\n\nELAINE\nWhat was that all about?\n\nJERRY\nOh, nothing important.\n\nELAINE\nWhat's going on? What is that look?\n\nJERRY\nWhat look? Nothing.\n\nELAINE\nSomething's going on here.\n\nJERRY\nI don't know if you should sit for this\nor not. Sitting is good if you faint,\nbut standing is good for jumping up\nand down.. I can't decide.\n\nELAINE\nJumping up and down? What are you talking\nabout? C'mon. Cough it up.\n\nJERRY\nOh, Elaine. You know the way I am -\nrarely ever thinking of myself. My only\nconcern is the welfare and happiness\nof those close to me. Sure, it hurts\n\nsometimes - to give, and give, and give..\n\nELAINE\nWould you please?\n\nJERRY\nWhat would you say if I told you that..\n\nELAINE\nTold me what?!\n\nJERRY\n..I got you an apartment in this building.\n\nELAINE\n(Dumbfounded) No.\n\nJERRY\nYes.\n\nELAINE\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nYes.\n\nELAINE\nYou didn't.\n\nJERRY\nI did.\n\nELAINE\nYou got me an apartment in the building?!\n\nJERRY\nI got you an apartment in the building.\n\nELAINE\nHow did you..\n\nJERRY\nRemember Mrs. Hudwalker? The ninety-four-year-old\nwoman who lived above me?\n\nELAINE\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nShe died.\n\nELAINE\n(Thrilled) She died?!\n\nJERRY\nShe died.\n\nELAINE\nShe died!\n\nJERRY\nAnd the rent's only four hundred dollars\na month!\n\nELAINE\nGet out! (Pushes Jerry, he stumbles\nback) Four hundred a month? Only four\nhundred a month?!\n\nJERRY\nFour hundred a month.\n\nELAINE\nAnd I'll be right upstairs?\n\nJERRY\nRight upstairs.\n\nELAINE\nRight above you?\n\nJERRY\nRight above me.\n\nELAINE\nOh, we're neighbors. I'll be here all\nthe time!\n\nJERRY\n(Suddenly having second thoughts) All\nthe time..\n\nELAINE\nWe can exchange keys so we can come\nin and out. Oh, this is going to be\ngreat!\n\nJERRY\n..All the time..\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Night club)\n\nJERRY\nThe problem with talking is that nobody\nstops you from saying the wrong thing.\nI think life would be a lot better if\nit was like you're always making a movie.\n\nYou mess up, somebody just walks on the set, and stops the whole\nshot. You know what I mean? Think of the things you wish you\ncould take back. You're out\n\nsomewhere with people, \"Gee, you look pregnant.. are ya?\" \"Cut,\ncut, cut, cut, cut, that's not gonna work at all. Walk out the\ndoor, and come back in. Let's take\n\nthis whole scene again. People, think about what you're saying!\"\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Coffee shop)\n\nGEORGE\n(Pays his bill) Thanks, see ya later,\nDonna. (Walks out, he runs into Jerry\noutside the shop) What happened to you?\n\nJERRY\nYou can't believe what I just did.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat? What did you do?\n\nJERRY\nI could tell you what I did, but you\nwouldn't believe it. It's not believable.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat did you do?\n\nJERRY\nHow could I have done that?\n\nGEORGE\nDone what?\n\nJERRY\nI told Elaine about an apartment opening\nup in my building. She's going to move\nin.\n\nGEORGE\nElaine's moving into your building?\n\nJERRY\nYes. Right above me.\n\nGEORGE\nRight above you?\n\nJERRY\nYes.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're gonna be neighbors.\n\nJERRY\nI know. Neighbors.\n\nGEORGE\nShe's right above you?\n\nJERRY\nRight above me.\n\nGEORGE\nHow could you do that?\n\nJERRY\n'Cause I'm an idiot! You may think you're\nan idiot, but with all due respect -\nI'm a much bigger idiot than you are.\n\nGEORGE\nDon't insult me, my friend. Remember\nwho you're talking to. No one's a bigger\nidiot than me.\n\nJERRY\nDid you ever ask an ex-girlfriend to\nmove into your building?\n\nGEORGE\nDid you ever go to a singles weekend\nin the Poconos?\n\nJERRY\nShe's right in my building! Right above\nme! Every time I come in the building,\nI'm gonna have to sneak around like\na cat burglar.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're doomed. You're gonna have to\nhave all your sex at women's apartments.\nIt'll be like a permanent road trip.\nForget about the home bed\n\nadvantage.\n\nJERRY\nBut I need the home bed advantage!\n\nGEORGE\nOf course, we all do.\n\nJERRY\n(Gesturing to the coffee shop) Come\nin for two minutes and sit with me.\n\nGEORGE\nI was just in there. It's embarrassing.\n\nJERRY\nOh, who's gonna know?\n\nGEORGE\nThey saw me walk out.\n\nJERRY\nTwo minutes.\n\n(Scene cuts to Jerry and George in the coffee shop)\n\nJERRY\nMy censoring system broke down. You\nknow that little guy in your head who\nwatches everything you say? Makes sure\nyou don't make a mistake? He went\n\nfor a cup of coffee, and in that second - ruined my life.\n\nGEORGE\nMy censor quit two years ago. He checked\ninto a clinic. Emotionally exhausted.\n\nJERRY\n..So, is there any way out of this Elaine\nthing?\n\nGEORGE\nTough.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, the water pressure's terrible\nin my building.. and she loves a good\nshower.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't think anyone's turned down an\napartment because of a weak shower spray.\n\nJERRY\nIf they were fanatic about showers,\nthey might.\n\nGEORGE\nFor that rent, she'd take a bath in\nthe toilet tank if she had to..\n\nJERRY\nLook at that woman feeding her baby\ngreasy, disgusting, coffee shop corned\nbeef hash. Isn't that child abuse?\n\nGEORGE\nI'd like to have a kid. Of course, you\nhave to have a date first.. remember\nmy friend, Adam, from Detroit?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, the guy with the flat head?\n\nGEORGE\nHe's a cube.. anyway, he got married\nsix months ago. he told me ever since\nhe's been wearing a wedding band, women\nhave been coming on to him\n\neverywhere he goes.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I've heard that about wedding\nbands.\n\nGEORGE\n(Joking) I wonder if that's really true.\n\nJERRY\nThat would be an interesting sociological\nexperiment. You know, Kramer has his\nfather's band. He'd loan it to you.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Apartment buliding hallway)\n\n(George is trying on a wedding band)\n\nGEORGE\nThanks a lot. I\"ll give it back to you\nin a week.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, I don't even know why you're\nfooling around with this ring. I've\nbeen telling you, get yourself some\nplugs, or a piece.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm not doing that.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, man. You know, you're crazy. You're\na good looking guy. What do you want\nto walk around like that for?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I'll put half a can of mousse in\nmy head like you.\n\n(Manny and Harold are arguing again from down the hall)\n\nHAROLD\nI told you I don't like these sponges,\nthey're too small! I want a big sponge!\n(Manny yells) You can't pick up anything\nwith these! There's no absorption!\n\n(Manny yells in Spanish, Jerry exits his apartment)\n\nJERRY\nBoys, boys.\n\nHAROLD\nHi, Jerry.\n\nHAROLD\nHello, Jerry. (Says something in Spanish\nto Harold)\n\nHAROLD\nOkay.. your friend can't have the apartment,\nJerry.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nHAROLD\nBecause somebody offered Manny five\nthousand dollars for the apartment.\nI don't want to do it. Manny wants to\ndo it. (Manny yells) Because it's true!\n\nWhy shouldn't I tell him?\n\nJERRY\nHey, hey. I understand. You're businessmen.\n(Manny talks in Spanish)\n\nHAROLD\nOh, now, he says that if your friend\nhas five thousand dollars, we'll give\nit to her.\n\nJERRY\nWell, that's a lot of money. But, if\nthat's the way it's gotta be, that's\nthe way it's gotta be. (Goes back to\nhis apartment) You know, I used to think\nthat the\n\nuniverse is a random, chaotic, sequence of meaningless events,\nbut I see now that there is reason and purpose to all things.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat happened to you?\n\nJERRY\nReligion, my friend, that's what happened\nto me. Because, I have just been informed\nthat it's going to cost Elaine the sum\nof five thousand dollars to get the\n\napartment upstairs.\n\nGEORGE\nFive thousand dollars? She doesn't have\nfive thousand dollars!\n\nJERRY\nOf course she doesn't have five thousand\ndollars!\n\nGEORGE\nSo, she can't get the apartment.\n\nJERRY\nCan't get it.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, she doesn't move in.\n\nJERRY\nNo move. So, you see, it's all part\nof a divine plan.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd how does the baldness fit into that\nplan?\n\n(The intercom buzzes)\n\nJERRY\n(Into the intercom) Elaine?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\n(Unlocks the main door. To George) Alright,\nthis is going to require some great\nacting now. I have to pretend I'm disappointed.\nYou're going to really see\n\nme being a phony, now. I hope you can take this.. maybe you should\ngo in the other room.\n\nGEORGE\nAre you kidding?! I lie ever second\nof the day. My whole life is a sham!\n\nJERRY\n'Cause you know, I love Elaine.\n\nGEORGE\nOf course you do.\n\nJERRY\nBut you know.. not in the building.\nReally, I feel terrible about this.\nMy intentions were good. What can I\ndo? Tell me..\n\n(To someone in the hallway) No, I'll\nbe seeing you. (Starts to sing) \"Good\nmorning, good morning..\" Have you ever\ngotten up in the morning\n\nand felt it's great to be alive? That every breath is a gift\nof sweet life from above? (George leaves, and goes to the other\nroom) Oh, and before I forget, I have the\n\nchecks for first month, last month, security deposit. I have\nseventy-five dollars left in my account.\n\nJERRY\n(Looks at the checks) Well.. there's\na little bit of a problem.\n\nELAINE\nOh, I know. There's a weak shower spray,\nI know. I've already thought about it,\nand I'm switching to baths. As Winston\nChurchill said, \"Why stand when\n\nyou can sit?\" Maybe I'll get some rubber duckies..\n\nJERRY\nNo, someone offered Harold and Manny\nfive thousand for the apartment. I'm\nsure they'd just as soon give it to\nyou, but you'd have to come up with\nthat\n\nmoney.\n\nELAINE\nFive thousand dollars? I don't have\nfive thousand dollars.\n\nJERRY\nI know.\n\nELAINE\nHow am I going to get five thousand\ndollars?\n\nJERRY\nI have no idea.\n\n(Enter Kramer)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, my new neighbor!\n\nELAINE\nI'm not moving in.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nThey want five thousand dollars now.\n\nKRAMER\nSo, okay. What's the problem?\n\nELAINE\nI don't have five thousand dollars.\n\nKRAMER\nC'mon, you can come up with five thousand\ndollars.. Jerry, you don't have five\nthousand dollars you can led her? Come\non.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, well, I didn't.. Is that something\nyou want to borrow?\n\nELAINE\nNo, that's too much money to borrow.\n\nKRAMER\nLoan her the money. You can afford it.\n\nJERRY\nShe doesn't want to borrow the money.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, c'mon. She'll pay you back. What's\nfive grand between friends?\n\nELAINE\nOf course I'd pay you back..\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, so what's the problem?\n\nJERRY\nWho said there's a problem?\n\nKRAMER\nHe said he'd loan you the money.\n\nELAINE\nWell Jerry, it might take a while for\nme to pay you back. Maybe a few years.\nHow do you feel about that?\n\nKRAMER\nThat's okay. He doesn't care.\n\nELAINE\nYou know, money can sometimes come between\nfriends.\n\nKRAMER\nGet outta here.\n\nELAINE\nLet me think about it.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat's to think about?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know.. I don't know. Five thousand..\nlet me just take one more look at it.\n(Leaves)\n\nJERRY\nIt was all over! Taken care of. Done!\nFinished. Five thousand.. Where's she\ngonna get five thousand? She doesn't\nhave five thousand. Clean. Good bye.\n\nShe's gone. Then you come in, \"Why don't you loan her five thousand?\nWhat do you care? You've got five thousand. Give her five thousand.\"\n\nKRAMER\nYou didn't want her in the building?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I didn't!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, then what did you loan her the\nfive thousand for? Oh, look, maybe she\nwon't take it.. I mean, she did say\nthat she was going to think about it.\n\nJERRY\nPeople don't turn down money! It's what\nseparates us from the animals.\n\nKRAMER\nI still don't understand what the problem\nis having her in the building.\n\nJERRY\nLet me explain something to you.. You\nsee, you're not normal. You're a great\nguy, I love you, but you're a pod. I,\non the other hand, am a human being.\nI\n\nsometimes feel awkward, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain\nsituations with the other human beings. You wouldn't understand.\n\nKRAMER\nBecause I'm a pod?\n\n(George returns for Jerry's bedroom just as Elaine returns)\n\nELAINE\nI'll take it!\n\n(George turns on his heels, and goes back into Jerry's room)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Roxanne's apartment)\n\n(Guests are milling around, eating. Elaine enters with Jerry\nand George. Roxanne greets them)\n\nROXANNE\nHi, Elaine..\n\nELAINE\nOh, hi, Roxanne. Nice to be here. These\nare my friends. This is George, and\nthis is Jerry. (They exchange greetings)\nJerry's the one who got me my new\n\napartment!\n\nROXANNE\nSo, you're Elaine's hero.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, it's my life's work.\n\nROXANNE\nThere are so few true heros left in\nthis world. (Jerry's attracted to Roxanne,\nElaine notices)\n\nGEORGE\n(Showing off his wedding band) Yeah,\nmy wife couldn't make it today. She's\ngot some thing with her mother.. Who\nknow's what going on with her. Don't\n\nlet any one kid you, it's tough. (Goes off to mingle)\n\nJERRY\nWell, better load up on some carbos\nbefore the race. (Starts selecting food\nfrom the tables)\n\nROXANNE\nOh, the marathon is great, isn't it?\n\nJERRY\nOh, yes. Particularily if your not in\nit.\n\nROXANNE\nI wish we had a view of the finish line.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's to see? A woman from Norway,\na guy from Kenya, and twenty thousand\nlosers.\n\n(Roxanne makes a face, Scene guts to George. He's standing next\nto an attractive woman)\n\nGEORGE\n..Yeah, my wife started getting on me\nabout the lawn today. I'm tellin' ya,\nit's one thing after another.\n\nRITA\nIs she here?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, she's working.\n\nRITA\nWhat does she do?\n\nGEORGE\nShe's an.. entymologist - you know,\nbees, flies, gnats. What about you?\n\nRITA\nI work for the Director of Madison Square\nGarden. It's great! I can get free tickets\nto any sporting even in New York. (George\nis stunned) Anyway, she's a\n\nvery luck woman.\n\nGEORGE\nBut.. (She leaves, George is standing\nthere)\n\n(Scene cuts to an entering man and woman)\n\nROXANNE\nHi Stan. Joanne.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, this is Joanne, and this is Stan.\nThey're in my short story class with\nRoxanne and me. Hey, Jerry just got\nme a great apartment in his building!\n\nJOANNE\nWell, Jerry, it'll be nice having a\nclose friend nearby?\n\nJERRY\nFantastic..\n\nSTAN\nShe can pop in whenever she wants.\n\nJERRY\nI know.\n\nJOANNE\nShe doesn't even need to knock!\n\nJERRY\nIt's tremendous.\n\nSTAN\nAnytime of day.\n\nJERRY\nI'm in heaven.\n\nELAINE\nOh, Rita come here. This is Jerry. He's\nthe one who got me the apartment.\n\nRITA\nOh, Hi. (Calling to someone) bob, this\nis the guy who got Elaine the apartment.\n\n(Scene cuts to George)\n\nGEORGE\nI'm sorry, I don't see the big deal\nabout being a matador. The bull charges,\nyou move the cape, wha't so hard? (The\nboth laugh flirtingly)\n\nSUSIE\nSo, are you really married? Because,\nI've actually heard of single guys who\nwear wedding bands to attrack women.\n\nGEORGE\nYou'd have to be a real loser to try\nsomething like that.\n\nSUSIE\nThat's too bad, because I really have\na thing for bald guys with glasses.\n(Shrugs, smiles, then leaves George)\n\nRITA\nHey everybody! Here come the runners!\n\n(Everyone runs to the windows. Jerry and Elaine stay put)\n\nELAINE\nSo you and Roxanne are hitting it off,\nhuh?\n\nJERRY\nOh, I wouldn't quite say that.\n\nELAINE\nReally? From a distance, you seemed\nto be coming on to her.\n\nJERRY\nI'm a guy.. it always looks like that.\n\nELAINE\nBecause, I was thinking.. are you at\nall concerned that living in the same\nbuilding will, y'kno.. cramp our styles?\n\nJERRY\nNa..\n\nELAINE\nBecause, I was worried that there might\nbe a situation in which one of us come\nhome with somebody, it could get a little\nuncomfortable. But - as long as\n\nyou're okay with it, it's fine with me.\n\n(Scene cuts to George)\n\nJANICE\nI've never been able to be with just\none person. I can, however, carry on\nstrictly physical relationships which\ncan last for years and years. It's a\nshame\n\nyou're married..\n\nGEORGE\n(Frantically tries to take the ring\noff) I'm not. It's just a sociological\nexperiment!\n\nJANICE\nPlease.. (Walks away)\n\n(Jerry walks over to George)\n\nJERRY\nYou have no idea what an idiot it. Elaine\njust gave me a chance to get out and\nI didn't take it. (Points to himself)\nThis is an idiot.\n\nGEORGE\nIs that right? (Showing him up) I just\nthrew away a lifetime of guilt-free\nsex and floor seats for ever sporting\nevent in Madison Square Garden. So please,\n\na little respect. For I am Costanza. Lord of the Idiots!\n\nROXANNE\n(Yelling out the window) You're all\nwinners!\n\nGEORGE\nBut suddenly, a new contender has emerged..\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nJERRY\n(Into the phone) George, I didn't sleep\nat all last night.. I decided I have\nto tell her.. I'm just going to be honest.\nThat's all.. Yes, I'm nervous.. Are\nyou\n\nlistening to me? Just put some soap on your finger.. it'll slide\nright off.. Then try axle grease. (Kramer enters) I'll call you\nback after I talk to her. Bye.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, it's all taken care of. Everything's\ncool.\n\nJERRY\nWhat? What's cool?\n\nKRAMER\nElaine.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nKRAMER\nI just found a guy who's willing to\npay ten thousand dollars for the apartment.\n\nJERRY\nYou what?! Get out! Ten thousand?\n\nKRAMER\n(Nods) Cash.\n\nJERRY\nWho would pay that much?\n\nKRAMER\nHe's in the music business.\n\nJERRY\nElaine would never borrow that much\nmoney! (Hugs Kramer, then grabs him\nby the cheeks) Kramer, my God, man!\nThis is beautiful! I think I'm in the\nclear\n\nhere. Elaine's not moving in! I don't have to confront her! She\nhas no idea I never wanted her to move in.. I\"m golden!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, occasionally, I like to help the\nhumans.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Harold and Manny are in Jerry's apartment. A pulsing music is\ncoming through the walls)\n\nELAINE\nWow. You're right. That is loud.\n\nJERRY\nIt's just unbelievable.\n\nELAINE\nThey rehearse all the time?\n\nJERRY\nAll the time. I've been up there six\ntimes. They refuse to stop. I can't\nlive like this. I don't know what I'm\ngonna do. I'm heading for breakdown!\n(To Harold)\n\nCan't you do something?\n\nHAROLD\nI'm not going up. It stinks up there.\n\nJERRY\nManny..\n\nMANNY\n(In Spanish) They're allowed to play\nuntil eleven o' clock.\n\nHAROLD\nI'm not the one who said eleven o' clock.\nHe makes up his own rules.\n\nELAINE\nBoy, too bad. If I was up there, you'd\nnever hear a peep out of me. I'm as\nquiet as a mouse.\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\n(Talking about the music) Oh, I love\nthe one they do right after this one!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Night club)\n\nJERRY\nI don't know. What do you do when a\nneighbor is making, like, a lot of noise\nat three o' clock in the morning? I\nmean, can you knock on someone's door\nand tell them to keep it down? You're really altering your whole\nself-image, I mean, what am I? Fred Mertz now? What's happening\nto me? Can I do this? Am I a\nshusher? I used to be a shushee. There's a lot of shushing going\non in movie theaters. People are always shushing. Shh..shh....\nshhh... shhh.. Doesn't work, 'cause\nnobody knows where a shush is coming from. They just hear a Shh.\n\"Was that a shush? I think somebody just shushed me.\" Some people\nyou can't shush in a movie\ntheater. There's always that certain group of people, isn't it.\nThey're talking and talking, and everyone around them is shushing\nthem, and shushing them. They won't shush. They're the unshushables.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Statue.html",
    "text": "THE STATUE\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry Charles\n\n(Night club)\n\nJERRY\nI have to tell you that I did some very\nexciting news recently, and I don't\nknow if I should really tell you exactly\nwhat it is because it's really not a\ndefinite thing yet. Well, I will tell\nyou what I know so far. According to\nthe information that I have in the envelope\nthat I've received, it seems that I\nmay have already won some very valuable\nprizes. Well, thank you, thank you very\nmuch, well thank you. It's very nice\nto hear that. But, in all honesty, I\nhave to say, I didn't even know I was\nin this thing. But, according to the\nreadout, it looks like I am among the\ntop people that they are considering.\nYou know, that's what annoys me about\nthe sweepstakes companies, they always\ntease you with that, \"You may have already\nwon.\" I'd like once for a sweepstakes\ncompany to have some guts, come out\nwith the truth, just tell people the\ntruth one time. Send out envelopes,\n\"You have definitely lost!\" You turn\nit over, giant printing, \"Not even close!\"\nYou open it up, there's this whole letter\nof explanation, \"Even we cannot believe\nhow badly you've done in this contest.\"\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(George is reading the paper. Kramer and Jerry both try to enter\ncarrying a large carton with the name Seinfeld on it)\n\nJERRY\n(Trying to get the box through the door.\nTo Kramer) To the right. (They get it\nthrough)\n\nGEORGE\nThat took awhile.\n\nJERRY\n(Sarcastic) Don't get up.\n\nGEORGE\nI'd like to help, but my neck..\n\n(The set the box on the table)\n\nGEORGE\nSo how long has it been in the basement?\n\nJERRY\nSince my grandfather died. I was suppose\nto send it down to my parents in Florida,\nbut they didn't want it. They told me\nto get rid of it, but I felt funny and\nthen I sort of forgot about it. And\nit's been sitting down there for three\nyears.. until he saw it. (To Kramer)\nAlright, so, just take what you want\nand let's get it out of here.\n\n(They open the box, and start going through it)\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's in it?\n\nJERRY\nGrandpa clothes. I can't wear them.\n\nKRAMER\n(Pulls out some socks) You want these?\nKnee socks. You don't wear knee socks.\n\nJERRY\nNo, go ahead. (Looks around his apartment)\nLook at this place. I can't wait to\nget it cleaned.\n\nGEORGE\nI know someone who'll do it. She's good.\nShe's honest.\n\nJERRY\nNo, Elaine got this writer friend from\nFinland, Rava. Her boyfriend goes to\nColumbia grad school, and he's suppose\nto do it.\n\nGEORGE\nStudents can't clean. It's anathema.\n(Jerry's confused) ..They don't like\nit.\n\nJERRY\nHow long have you been waiting to squeeze\nthat into a conversation?\n\n(Kramer pulls a statue out of the box)\n\nKRAMER\nNow this, I like.\n\n(George's eyes light up when he sees the statue)\n\nGEORGE\nWait a second. I can't believe this!\nLet me see this.\n\nKRAMER\n(Getting possesive) Wait, wait, wait..\n\nGEORGE\nLet me just see it.\n\nKRAMER\nCome on..\n\n(The both grab it)\n\nGEORGE\nLet me just see it for a second. Oh\nmy God, it's exactly the same!\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nWhen I was ten years old, my parents\nhad this very same statue on the mantle\nof our apartment. Exactly. And, one\nday, I grabbed it, and I was using it\nas a microphone. I was singing, \"MacArthur\nPark\", and I got to the part about,\n\"I'll never have that recipe again,\"\nand it slipped out of my hand and it\nbroke. My parents looked at me like\nI smashed the ten commandments. To this\nday, they bring it up. It was the single\nmost damaging experience in my life,\naside from seeing my father naked.\n\n(George grips the statue, but Kramer wont let go. They start\nto fight for it)\n\nKRAMER\nC'mon, George. I saw it first.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, Kramer. I have to have this statue.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, I got dibs!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat? No dibs! I need this statue. C'mon,\ngive it!\n\nJERRY\n(Stepping in) Spread out, spread out\nyou numbskulls. Why don't you just settle\nit like mature adults?\n\nKRAMER\nPotato man!\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no, no potato man.. Inka-dink.\n\n(Kramer and George both visibly add up in their heads to see\nwho would lose if Inka-Dink was the way to go)\n\nKRAMER\nOkay.. start with me.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, good, good.\n\n(Jerry begins the childish choosing game of Inka-dink, pointing\nalternately between Kramer and George with every syllable)\n\nJERRY\nInka-dink, a bottle of ink. The cork\nfell out, and you stink. Not because\nyou're dirty, not because you're clean\n- just because you kissed the girl behind\nthe magazine.. (He lands on Kramer,\nthen completes the rhyme) And you are\nit! (Lands on George)\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?! Wait a minute. No, no, no. What\nare you doing? No, no, oh, oh, okay.\nHe's out. I get it.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no, no, no.. I'm \"it\". I win.\n\nJERRY\nNo, he's it. He wins. \"It\" is good.\n\nKRAMER\nDo over - start with him.\n\nJERRY\nNo, no, no, come on, Kramer. Now, you\ngot the socks.\n\n(Kramer tosses the statue to George)\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, you can have it. Okay, I'm\ngonna take the suit, and the shoes,\nand the hat.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, c'mon. Let's go.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, I'll look like Joe Friday in Dragnet.\n(Hums out the theme song)\n\nGEORGE\n(In shock) I can't believe I won at\nInka-dink.\n\nJERRY\nCome on, let's go. (They go to the door.\nGeorge sets the statue down) Aren't\nyou gonna take it?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no, no, I don't want to carry it\naround all night. I'll pick it up later.\n\nGOERGE\n(To Kramer) What about your stuff?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, uh, well - okay. (Balls up the clothes\nhe just got, and throws them into his\napartment, and leaves)\n\nJERRY\nAlright, let's go. Hey, you know, you\nowe me one.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nThe Inka-dink.. you were \"It\".\n\nGEORGE\n\"It\"'s bad?\n\nJERRY\n\"It\" very bad.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nRAVA\nWell, if they don't let you be my editor\non this book, I'll go to another publisher.\nIt's that simple.\n\nELAINE\nYou told them that?\n\nRAVA\nOf course.\n\nELAINE\nThis is so fantastic. I don't know how\nto thank you.\n\n(Jerry enters for the bedroom carrying luggage)\n\nJERRY\n(Frantic) So, where's this boyfriend\nof yours? I can't wait much longer.\nI've got a flight.\n\nELAINE\nOh, probably caught in traffic.\n\nRAVA\n(Serious) Or maybe he's dead.\n\nJERRY\n(Joking) So what do you write, children's\nbooks?\n\n(There's a knock at the door)\n\nRAVA\nThat's Ray.\n\n(Ray enters with cleaning gear)\n\nRAY\nAh, greetings, greetings, and salutations.\nI beg your forgiveness. My tardiness\nwas unavoidable. Rava, my love. Elaine,\nmy dear friend.. And you must be Jerry.\nLord of the manor. Ah, my liege. A pleasure\nto serve you. (Bows)\n\nJERRY\n(Taken aback) ..Alright.\n\nRAVA\nAnd we have to get back to work. (She\nexits with Elaine)\n\nJERRY\n(Rushed) I gotta get to the airport.\n\nRAY\nYour place shall sparkle like the stars\nin heaven upon your save arrival, Sire.\n\nJERRY\nThe toilet brush is under the sink..\n(Exits)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Night club)\n\nJERRY\nI don't really feel that comfortable\nwith a maid, either, because there's\nthat guilt when you have someone cleaning\nyour house. You know, you're sitting\nthere on your sofa, and they go by with\nthe vacuum, \"I'm really sorry about\nthis. I don't know why I let that stuff\nover there.\" And that's why I could\nnever be a maid, because I'd have an\nattitude. I'd find them, whereever they\nare in the house, \"Oh, I suppose you\ncouldn't do this? No, don't get up,\nlet me clean up your filth. No, you\ncouldn't dust. No, this is too tough,\nisn't it?\"\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nJERRY\nHe really did an amazing job, look!\nHe uncoagulated the top of the dishwashing\nliquid. (Opens refrigerator) He cleaned\nout the bottom of the little egg cups.\nCome here, look at this. (Gets on his\nknees) He cleaned the little one-inch\narea between the refrigerator and the\ncounter. How did he get in there? He\nmust be like Rubber Man!\n\nELAINE\nThere's no Rubber Man.\n\nJERRY\n..Why did I think there was a Rubber\nMan? There's Elastic Man and Plastic\nMan.\n\nELAINE\nI'm leaving.\n\nJERRY\nWhere are you going?\n\nELAINE\nTo Rava's house. I've gotta pick up\nher manuscript.\n\nJERRY\nWait. I'll go with you. (They both go\ntward the door. Jerry opens it) Elaine,\nhe Windexed the little peep hole! (The\nleave)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Rava's apartment)\n\n(Jerry, Elaine, and Rava sit in the living room)\n\nELAINE\n(To Rava) So, the meeting with Lippman\nis all set. He's the editor-in-chief!\nI think because of your request..\n\nRAVA\nDemand. (The sound of locks being unlocked\ncan be heard) There's Ray.. late as\nusual.\n\n(Ray enters)\n\nRAY\nWell, this is an unexpected surprise\n- and Delight! The once and future king\nof comedy, \"Jerry the First,\" gracing\nour humble abode. Rava, we're in the\npresence of royalty.\n\nJERRY\nHey, Ray, listen, you really did a tremendous\njob cleaning that apartment.\n\nRAY\nBut I didn't just clean your apartment.\nIt was a ritual, a ceremony, a celebration\nof life.\n\nJERRY\n(Joking about his personality) Shouldn't\nyou be out on a ledge somewhere?\n\n(They all laugh - Ray laughs longer than everyone else. Jerry\nsavors the laughs of his big fan - then he sees George's statue\non the mantle of the fireplace. He's stunned by the sight)\n\nRAVA\nThe water is boiling. Are you having\ntea?\n\nELAINE AND RAY\nYes.\n\n(Jerry's still stunned)\n\nELAINE\nJerry? ..Jerry!\n\nJERRY\n(Snaps out of it) What?\n\nRAVA\n(From the kitchen) Ray, would you give\nme a hand?\n\nRAY\nYeah, I'm coming!\n\n(He leaves. As soon as both Rava and Ray are in the kitchen,\nJerry and Elaine start talking in loud whispers)\n\nJERRY\n(Points to the statue) I think that's\nthe statue from my house. That looks\nlike the statue from my house!\n\nELAINE\nWhat statue?\n\nJERRY\nI had a statue!\n\nELAINE\nYou have a statue? I never saw a statue.\n\nJERRY\nMy grandfather gave me a statue!\n\nELAINE\nSince when?\n\nJERRY\nWhat's the difference?! That's the one!\nHe ripped me off! This guy ripped me\noff!\n\n(Ray pops his head back into the living room)\n\nRAY\nDo you take sugar?\n\nJERRY AND ELAINE\nUhh.. no.\n\n(Ray goes back into the kitchen)\n\nJERRY\nI can't believe it! This guy ripped\nme off!\n\nELAINE\nDo you realize what you're saying?\n\nJERRY\nYes! This guy ripped me off! He stole\nthat statue right out of my house!\n\n(Ray pops in again)\n\nRAY\nLemon?\n\nJERRY AND ELAINE\n(Causual) Uh.. sure, yeah..\n\n(Ray goes back into the kitchen)\n\nELAINE\nAre you sure?\n\nJERRY\nPretty sure! Ninety-nine percent sure.\n\nELAINE\nNinety-nine percent sure?!\n\n(Ray and Rava both enter, carrying a tray of tea)\n\nRAY\nAh, sweet elixir. It's fragrant nectar\n- a soothing balm for the soul.\n\n(Jerry smells it suspiciously - like it's poisoned. A ding from\nthe kitchen can be heard)\n\nRAY\nThe pastries!\n\n(Ray and Rava exit in different directions)\n\nELAINE\nMaybe it just looks the same. Maybe\nit's just a coincidence.\n\nJERRY\nCoincidence? This guy's in my apartment\nand then, just by coincidence, he has\nthe same exact statue in his apartment.\n\nELAINE\nI never saw the statue.\n\nJERRY\nI had a statue! What should I do?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know.\n\nJERRY\n..I'll call Kramer. He can check my\nhouse. (Grabs the phone, and dials)\n\nELAINE\nOh Jerry, don't blow this for me.\n\nJERRY\nDon't worry.. (Whispering into the phone)\nKramer! Kramer!.. It's Jerry!.. Jerry!\n.. from next door!.. Never mind where\nI am!.. Yes, Jerry Seinfeld!.. (Rava\nenters with a manuscript. Jerry starts\ntalking casually)\n\nJERRY\nMa, I told ya, just dip the bread in\nthe batter, and put in right in the\npan. Okay, bye. (Hangs up) My mother..\nShe forgot how to make French Toast.\nYou know how mothers are.\n\nRAVA\nMy mother left us when I was six years\nold. All seven of us. He ever heard\nfrom her again. I hope she's rotting\nin an alley somewhere.\n\n(A long beat passes)\n\nJERRY\nMy mom's down in Florida.. she's go\none of those condos.. Hot down there\nin the summer. You ever been down there?\n\n(Ray enters with a tray of pastries)\n\nRAY\nI love these pastries. You know, in\nScandinavian mythology, the pastries\nwere the food of the gods.\n\nJERRY\n..Listen, I just remembered.. I'm ..uh,\ngetting a facial.\n\nELAINE\n(Takes the manuscript) Oh, see you tomarrow\nmorning.\n\n(They go to leave)\n\nRAY\nOh, how about dinner?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I don't eat dinner. Dinner's for\nsuckers. (They leave)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nJERRY\n(On the phone) Uh huh.. yeah.. Okay,\nthanks anyway. Bye. (Hangs up) Nope,\nthe cop says it's my word against his.\nThere's nothing they can do.\n\nKRAMER\nLet's go get him.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, right.\n\nGEORGE\nWe can't just let him get away with\nthis.\n\nJERRY\nDo you realize how crazy he had to be\nto do something like this? He knew I\nwas gonna know it's missing, and he\ntook it! And of all things to take -\nI left my watch, tape recorder, stereo.\nHe's crazy.\n\nKRAMER\nYou wanta go get him?\n\nELAINE\nWell, then, if he's crazy you should\njust forget it.\n\nGEORGE\nForget it? I already called my parents.\nI told them to expect the surprise of\na lifetime. My mother's making her roasted\npotatoes!\n\nELAINE\nGeorge, do you realize that Rava's asked\nme to edit her book?\n\nGEORGE\nWho is this Rava?\n\nKRAMER\nI say we get him.\n\nELAINE\nNo!\n\nGEORGE\nLet me just call him.\n\nJERRY\nI'll call him. (Picks up the cordless\nphone. Kramer, George, and Elaine all\nstruggle for control of the other -\nso they can listen in on the conversation.\nAs Jerry's talking, the three others\nstill fight) Hello, Ray? ..Hi, Ray,\nthis is Rava's friend, Elaine's frined,\nJerry.. The King of Comedy.. right.\nListen, you know that statue on your\nmantle, the one with the blue lady?\n(To Kramer and George) Will you shut\nup?! (To Ray) Yeah, you don't want to\ntalk about it over the phone? You don't\nwant Rava to hear? ..Yeah, I understand..\nYou know that coffee shop near my house,\nMonk's? ..Alright, tomarrow. One o'\nclock. Great, okay, bye. (Hangs up)\n\nELAINE\n(Scrambling) Alright, look, look, look,\nLet's say he stole it.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, he stole it?\n\nELAINE\nC'mon, you can't do anything about it.\nThe cops won't do anything. What, are\nyou going to fight him? Why don't you\njust.. forget it?\n\nJERRY AND GEORGE\nNo.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Coffee shop)\n\n(Jerry sits alone. In the next booth to Jerry's back, George\nis sitting inconspicuously)\n\nGEORGE\n(To Jerry, without looking at him) I\nthought you said one o' clock.\n\nJERRY\nRelax, he's late. He's always late.\nIt's part of his \"M.O.\"\n\nGEORGE\nRemember, don't take any crap.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, yeah.. don't worry about it.\n\nGEORGE\nI'll be right here.\n\n(Ray enters)\n\nJERRY\n(Sarcastic) That's comforting.. Shh.\nHe's here. (Greeting him) Ray?\n\nRAY\n(Stands next to the table) Oh, Jerry.\nI can't believe you asked me about that\nstatue. Do you know how much trouble\nyou could've got me into?\n\nJERRY\n..Well, I didn't..\n\nRAY\nRava was standing right next to me.\nI never told her where I got the statue.\n\nGEORGE\n(Muttering to himself) I wonder why.\n\nJERRY\nWell, just give it back, and I won't\nsay anything.\n\nRAY\nGive it back?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nRAY\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nGEORGE\n(Muttering) What is he talking about..\n\nRAY\nI'm talking about the statue.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, me too.\n\nRAY\nGive it back to whom?\n\nJERRY\nMe.\n\nGEORGE\n(To himself) Yeah, him.\n\nRAY\nYou?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Me.\n\nRAY\nI'm not getting this.\n\nGEORGE\n(To himself) You already got it.\n\nJERRY\nRay, I had a statue in my house. You\nwere in my house - and then I saw it\nin your house.\n\nRAY\nWhat are you saying?\n\nJERRY\nWhat am I saying?\n\nGEORGE\n(To himself) Take a wild guess.\n\nRAY\nAre you saying I stole your statue?\n\nGEORGE\n(To himself) What a mind.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I..\n\nRAY\nI can't believe what I'm hearing.\n\nJERRY\nI can't believe what I'm hearing.\n\nGEORGE\n(to himself) I can't believe what I'm\nhearing.\n\nRAY\nFor your information, I got that statue\nat a pawn shop.\n\nGEORGE\n(To Himself) A pawn shop?\n\nJERRY\nA pawn shop?\n\nRAY\nYes. In Chinatown with the money I earned\ncleaning people's apartments.\n\nGEORGE\n(To himself) And cleaning them out.\n\n(Jerry elbows George - a message to shut up)\n\nJERRY\nOh, excuse me.. Look, Ray, you were\nthe only person in my house.\n\nRAY\nWhat's behind this? It's Rava, isn't\nit?\n\nGEORGE\n(To himself) Again with the Rava.\n\nRAY\nYou want her.\n\nJERRY\n(Joking) No, she's a little too cheery\nfor me.\n\nRAY\n(Losing it) She's from Finland, for\ncrying out loud. Finland! Do you understand?!\n\nJERRY\nI know Finland. They're neutral.\n\nRAY\nIs it me? Do I rub you the wrong way?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I actually find you quite charming..\na bit verbose at times.\n\nGEORGE\n(Mocking) \"Oh, I find you so charming\"\n..You wuss.\n\nJERRY\n(To George) Did you call me a wuss?\n\nRAY\nWhat did you say?\n\nJERRY\nI said luss.. I'm at a luss..\n\nRAY\nI would just love to take you down to\nthe shop where I got it.\n\nJERRY\nThat's not necessary. (George slams\nhis menu down on the table in anger)\nYou know, maybe it's not that bad an\nidea.\n\nRAY\nAnd I would love to. Nothing would please\nme more. But, unfortunately, the guy\nretired and moved to Singapore.\n\nGEORGE\n(Muttering to himself) Singapore?! Do\nyou hear this?\n\nRAY\nIf you really want, maybe I can contact\nthe guy in Singapore aand have him make\na photostat of the receipt and send\nit over.\n\nGEORGGE\nThat's it! That's it! I can't take it.\nI can't take it anymore! (Gets up, turns\naround, and confronts Ray) You stole\nthe statue! You're a theif! You're a\nliar!\n\nJERRY\n(Pleading) George.\n\nRAY\n(To Jerry) Who is this?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm the judge and the jury, pal. And\nthe verdict is.. guilty!\n\nRAY\nWhat's going on here?\n\nGEORGE\nGUILTY!\n\nRAY\nYour friend is crazy.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, I'm crazy!\n\nJERRY\n(Still pleading) George, george..\n\nRAY\nI've got to get going. I have a class.\n\nGEORGE\nOh ho! Class, huh? At Columbia? Let\nme tell you something, pal. I called\nthe registrar's office. I checked you\nout. They have no record of a Ray Thomas\nat that school! You liar!\n\nRAY\nWell, that's because I'm registered\nunder my full legal name, Raymond Thomas\nWochinski. Ray Thomas is my professional\nname.\n\nGEORGE\nYou mean alias.\n\nRAY\nYou are starting to make me angry.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, that was bound to happen!\n\nRAY\n(To Jerry) I hope you think about what\nyou've done here today.. and if you\nwant to call and apologize, you know\nwhere to reach me. (Goes to leave)\n\nJERRY\nHey, Ray.\n\nRAY\n(Stops) Yes?\n\nJERRY\nHow did you get the goop out of the\ntop of the dishwashing liquid? It was\nlike a brand-new nozzle!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Pendant publishing)\n\n(Elaine and Rava are waiting for an elevator)\n\nELAINE\nNervous?\n\nRAVA\nWhy should I be?\n\nELAINE\nYeah. Right.\n\nRAVA\nYour notes are very insightful.\n\nELAINE\nThe book is great. Did you go out last\nnight?\n\nRAVA\nNo. We made love on the floor like two\nanimals. Ray is insatiable.\n\nELAINE\nThey all are..\n\nRAVA\nWas Jerry?\n\nELAINE\nI can't remember..\n\n(Doors open. They step in)\n\nRAVA\nYou know, Ray is very upset over these\naccusations.\n\nELAINE\nOh, well, I'm staying out of this one.\nThis is between them. I am not getting\ninvolved.\n\n(The doors close. Scene cuts to moments later, on another floor.\nThe doors open)\n\nRAVA\n(Annoyed) So you think he stole it?!\n\nELAINE\nWell, you have to admit.. the circumstantial\nevidence.\n\nRAVA\nI admit nothing!\n\n(The doors close. Scene cuts to the inside of the elevator)\n\nMAN\nWill you put that cigarette out, please?\n\n(Rava ignores him)\n\nELAINE\nWell, I mean, he was in the apartment,\nand then it's gon and it's in your apartment.\n\nRAVA\nMaybe you think we're in cahoots.\n\nELAINE\nNo, no.. but it is quite a coincidence.\n\nRAVA\nYes, that's all, a coincidence!\n\nELAINE\nA big coincidence.\n\nRAVA\nNot a big coincidence. A coincidence!\n\nELAINE\nNo, that's a big coincidence.\n\nRAVA\nThat's what a coincidence is! There\nare no small coincidences and big coincidences!\n\nELAINE\nNo, there are degrees of coincidences.\n\nRAVA\nNo, there are only coincidences! ..Ask\nanyone! (Enraged, she asks everone in\nthe elevator) Are there big coincidences\nand small coincidences, or just coincidences?\n(Silent) ..Well?! Well?!..\n\n(Everyone just kinda shrugs, then murmurs. The doors open)\n\nMAN\nWill you put that cigarette out?!\n\nRAVA\n(Pointing the lit end at him) Maybe\nI put it out on your face! (To Elaine)\nIt's just like Ray said - you and Jerry\nare jealous of our love. You're trying\nto destroy us.\n\nELAINE\nShouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?\n\n(The doors close. Scene cuts to another floor. The elevator is\nempty except for Elaine. There's a janitor's cart parked right\noutside the doors. She steps out, then throws the manuscript\ninto the garbage can of the cart, and exits)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nGEORGE\n(On the phone) Ma, will you stop?..\nIt's just a statue! How is it my fault?!\n..It was stolen. I didn't even touch\nit this time.. Okay, fine. I don't se\nwhy this should affect to potatoes!\nOkay. Goodbye. (Hangs up) She doesn't\nreact to disappointement very well..\nunlike me.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm not happy about this.\n\nELAINE\nWhy don't we just throw a Molotov cocktail\nthrough their window?\n\nGEORGE\nThere's just no justice. This experience\nhas changed me. It's made me more cynical,\nmore bitter, more jaded.\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\nGEORGE\n(Casually) Sure. Why not?\n\nELAINE\nWell, how do you think I feel? Instead\nof editing the first novel of a major\nyoung writing talent, I am proofreading\na food allergy cookbook.\n\nJERRY\nCan't you talk to your boss?\n\nELAINE\nI did. He loves Rava.. worse.. he loves\nRay, and he doesn't think you're funny\nat all.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm not happy about this.\n\nJERRY\nWell, perhaps we can take comfort in\nthe knowledge that in the next world,\nRay will be the recipient of a much\nlarger and more harsh brand of justice..\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.. He'll have my parents!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Rava and Ray's apartment)\n\n(Ray's home alone. There's a knock at the door)\n\nKRAMER\nPolice! Open up!\n\nRAY\nPolice? (Opens the door a crack - Kramer\nbarges in like a cop. He's wearing Jerry's\ngrandfather's suit and hat. He forces\nRay against the wall - face first)\n\nKRAMER\nFreeze, mother!\n\nRAY\nHey..\n\n(Kramer shoves him roughly against the wall)\n\nKRAMER\nShut up. Spread 'em. I said spread 'em!\n(Looks around) You're in big trouble\nson. Burglary, grand larceny, possession\nof stolen goods.. and uh, uh.. murder.\n\nRAY\nMurder?!\n\n(Kramer shoves him against the wall)\n\nKRAMER\nShut up! Keep 'em spread! Just make\nlove to that wall, pervert!\n\nRAY\nI think you have me confused with somebody\nelse.\n\nKRAMER\n(Afraid he's got the wrong guy) Is your\nname Ray?\n\nRAY\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\n(Assured) Yeah, you're the punk I'm\nlooking for. (Grabs the statue from\nthe mantle, and puts it in his bag)\n\nRAY\nHey, hey, are you a cop?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I'm a cop. I'm a good cop. I'm\na damn good cop! Today's your lucky\nday, junior, 'cause I'm gonna let you\noff with a warning. Any more of this\ncriminal activity, and you'll be sorry.\nYou got me?\n\nRAY\nGot you? I don't even know what the\nhell you're talking about.\n\nKRAMER\nGood. Good. Let's keep it that way.\n(Exits)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Kramer guides Jerry, Elaine, and George into the apartment)\n\nJERRY\nAlright, alright. What's the big hubbub,\nbub?\n\n(Kramer runs to his apartment, then returns with a duffel bag.\nHe places it on the table, and reveals the statue)\n\nGEORGE\nKramer, I can't believe it. Oh, you're\nmy hero!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, what did you do?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, let's put it this way: I didn't\ntake him to People's Court.\n\nGEORGE\nI feel like a huge weight's been lifted\noff my shoulders. (Giddily) I.. I..\nI feel happy! Kramer, I don't know how\nto thank you!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I'll think of something.. (Slaps\nGeorge on the back - sending the statue\ncrashing to the ground)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Night club)\n\nJERRY\nPeople are going to steal from you.\nYou can't stop them. But, everybody\nhas their own little personal security\nthings - things that they think will\nfoil the crooks, you know? In your own\nmind, right? ..You go to the beach,\ngo in the water, put your wallet in\nthe sneaker. Who's gonna know? What\ncriminal mind could penetrate this fortress\nof security? I tied a bow. They can't\nget through that. I put the wallet down\nby the toe of the sneaker. They never\nlook there. They check the heel, they\nmove on.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Revenge.html",
    "text": "THE REVENGE\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David\n\nLEVITAN\nRemind me to tell you what we did in\nLake George. (laughing) Get\n\nthis...I got it all on video. (laughing)\n\nGEORGE\nThat's it. This is it. I'm done. Through.\nIt's over. I'm gone.\n\nFinished. Over. I will never work for you again. Look at you.\n\n(laughing) You think you're an important man? Is that what you\nthink? You\n\nare a laughingstock. You are a joke. These people are laughing\nat\n\nyou. You're nothing! You have no brains, no ability, nothing!\n(knocking\n\nobject over on desk) I quit!\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nBoy, I have really had it with Newman.\nHe wakes me up again last\n\nnight at three o'clock in the morning to tell me he's going up\nonto the\n\nroof to kill himself.\n\nJERRY\nWell, what'd you say?\n\nKRAMER\nI said \" Jump.\" Well, he's been threatening\nto do this for years. I\n\nsaid \" Look, if you're gonna kill yourself do it already and\nstop\n\nbothering me.\" At least I'd respect the guy for accomplishing\nsomething.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's his problem?\n\nKRAMER\nNo job. No women.\n\nJERRY\nHe called the right guy.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat am I supposed to tell him? How\nmuch there is for him to live\n\nfor? Why should I lie to him?\n\nJERRY\nAll right, I'm leaving. I going to the\nlaundry.\n\nKRAMER\nWhy don't you use the machines down\nin the basement?\n\nJERRY\nFluff and fold. The only way to live.\n(snapping fingers in tune with\n\nwords) I drop it off. I pick it up. It's a delight.\n\nKRAMER\nHow 'bout if I put a few things --\n\nJERRY\nWait a sec. I don't wanna do --\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you're going over there.\n\nJERRY\nI don't wanna mix in everything! My\nguys don't know your guys. You\n\ncan't just lock 'em all in the same machine together. They'll\nstart a\n\nriot.\n\nKRAMER\nHave you ever met my guys?\n\nJERRY\nNo. I can't say as I have.\n\nKRAMER\nWell!\n\nJERRY\nAll right. Put 'em on top.\n\nKRAMER\nAh!\n\nJERRY\nOh, beautiful. This stuff on top is\nmy friends'. Could I get it done\n\nin a separate machine?\n\nVIC\nI'll have to charge you for another\nmachine.\n\nJERRY\nWhatever it costs. In fact, I would\nprefer it if the machines are\n\nnot even touching each other. Because something could, you know,\njump\n\nacross.\n\nGEORGE\nGuess what.\n\nJERRY\nHow did you know I was here?\n\nGEORGE\nKramer. Guess what.\n\nJERRY\nI don't know.\n\nGEORGE\nI quit my job.\n\nJERRY\nGet outta here.\n\nGEORGE\nI couldn't take it anymore.\n\nVIC\nYou can have this on Monday.\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened? Levitan?\n\nGEORGE\nI go in to use his private bathroom,\neverybody uses it, and then I\n\nget a memo - a memo - telling me to use the men's room in the\nhall.\n\nWell, (laughing) we share it with Pace Electronics. It's disgusting!\n\nJERRY\nYou and your toilets.\n\nGEORGE\nI snapped! It was the last straw. (sighs)\n\nJERRY\nSo, what are you gonna do now? Are you\ngonna look for something else\n\nin real estate?\n\nGEORGE\nNobody's hiring now. The market's terrible.\n\nJERRY\nSo what are you gonna do?\n\nGEORGE\nI like sports. I could do something\nin sports.\n\nJERRY\nUh-huh. Uh-huh. In what capacity?\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, like the general manager of\na baseball team or something.\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Well, that - that could be tough\nto get.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, it doesn't even have to be the\ngeneral manager. Maybe I could\n\nbe like, an announcer. Like a caller man. You know how I always\nmake\n\nthose interesting comments during the game.\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Yeah. You make good comments.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about that?\n\nJERRY\nWell, they tend to give those jobs to\nex-ballplayers and people that\n\nare, you know, in broadcasting.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, that's really not fair.\n\nJERRY\nI know. Well, okay. Okay. What else\ndo ya like?\n\nGEORGE\nMovies. I like to watch movies.\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Yeah.\n\nGEORGE\nDo they pay people to watch movies?\n\nJERRY\nProjectionists.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's true.\n\nJERRY\nBut you gotta know how to work the projector.\n\nGEORGE\nRight.\n\nJERRY\nAnd it's probably a union thing.\n\nGEORGE\n(scoffs) Those unions. (sighs) Okay.\nSports,...movies. What about a\n\ntalk show host?\n\nJERRY\nTalk show host. That's good.\n\nGEORGE\nI think I'd be good at that. I talk\nto people all the time. Someone\n\neven told me once they thought I'd be a good talk show host.\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. A couple of people. I don't get\nthat, though. Where do you\n\nstart?\n\nJERRY\nWell, that's where it gets tricky.\n\nGEORGE\nYou can't just walk into a building\nand say \" I wanna be a talk\n\nshow host.\"\n\nJERRY\nI wouldn't think so.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's all politics.\n\nJERRY\nAll right. Okay. Sports, movies, talk\nshow host. What else?\n\nGEORGE\nThis could have been a huge mistake.\n\nJERRY\nWell, it doesn't sound like you completely\nthought this through.\n\nGEORGE\n(sighs) What should I do?\n\nJERRY\nMaybe you can just go back.\n\nGEORGE\nGo back?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Pretend like it never happened.\n\nGEORGE\nYou mean just walk into the staff meeting\non Monday morning like it\n\nnever happened?\n\nJERRY\nSure. You're an emotional person. People\ndon't take you seriously.\n\nGEORGE\nJust..go back. Pretend the whole thing\nnever happened.\n\nJERRY\nNever happened.\n\nGEORGE\nI was just blowin' off a little steam.\nSo what?\n\nJERRY\nSo what? You're entitled.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm emotional.\n\nJERRY\nThat's right. You're emotional.\n\nGEORGE\nNever happened.\n\nJERRY\nNever happened.\n\nGEORGE\nHow ya doin'?\n\nGLENDA\nWhat are you doing here?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat? I work here.\n\nGLENDA\nI thought you quit.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat quit? (laughing) Who quit?\n\nDAN\nBill, how was your weekend?\n\nBILL\nOh, excellent weekend. What about your\nweekend?\n\nDAN\nFine weekend.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Good weekend.\n\nDAN\nWent up to the Cape. Took the kids sailing.\n(laughing) Lisa was a\n\nlittle scared at first, but that kids' gonna be a good sailor\n\nsomeday.\n\nGEORGE\nAw, she's gonna be a fine sailor.\n\nLEVITAN\nAva, what happened to you Friday afternoon?\n\nAVA\nI got a little tied up.\n\nLEVITAN\nI'll bet you did.\n\n(laughter breaks out in boardroom)\n\nLEVITAN\nI wanna remind everyone that the tenth\nanniversary party for Rick\n\nBarr Properties is gonna be Wednesday afternoon at four o'clock\nin\n\nLasky's Bar, Madison 48th. I want all of you to be there. This\nreally\n\nmeans a lot to me. Is that Costanza over there? What are you\ndoing\n\nhere?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nLEVITAN\nAm I crazy, or didn't you quit?\n\nGEORGE\nWhen?\n\nLEVITAN\nFriday.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, what? What? That? Are you kidding?\nI didn't quit. What? You\n\ntook that seriously?\n\nLEVITAN\nYou mean, laughingstock? All that stuff?\n\nGEORGE\nCome on. Will you stop it.\n\nLEVITAN\nNo brains? No ability?\n\nGEORGE\nTeasing.\n\nLEVITAN\nOkay. I want you outta here.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know where you're getting this\nfrom. I....you're serious\n\naren't you? Oh, (laughing) you see?\n\nLEVITAN\nYou can't win. You can't beat me. That's\nwhy I'm here and you're\n\nthere. Because I'm a winner. I'll always be a winner and you'll\n\nalways be a loser.\n\nGEORGE\n\" I'll always be a winner and you'll\nalways be a loser.\" This is\n\nwhat he said to me.\n\nJERRY\nWell, so that's that.\n\nGEORGE\nNo. That's not that.\n\nJERRY\nThat's not that?\n\nGEORGE\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nWell, if that's not that, what is that?\n\nGEORGE\nI've got some plans. I got plans.\n\nJERRY\nWhat kind of plans?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's the difference?\n\nJERRY\nYou don't wanna tell me?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm gonna slip him a mickey.\n\nJERRY\nWhat? In his drink? Are you outta your\nmind? What? Are you Peter\n\nLorre?\n\nGEORGE\nYou don't understand. He's got this\nbig party coming up. He's been\n\nlooking forward to this for months. This is gonna destroy the\nwhole\n\nthing.\n\nJERRY\nWhat if you destroy him?\n\nGEORGE\nNo. No. No. No. No. Don't worry. It's\nperfectly safe. I researched\n\nit. He'll get a little woozy. He might keel over.\n\nJERRY\nWell, wha - what does that do? Big deal.\n\nGEORGE\nThis is what they would do in the movies!\nIt's a beautiful thing!\n\nIt's like a movie! I'm gonna slip him a mickey!\n\nJERRY\nYou've really gone mental.\n\nGEORGE\nNah.\n\nJERRY\nWhere are you gonna get this mickey?\nI can't believe I'm saying\n\n\"mickey\"!\n\nGEORGE\nI got a sauce.\n\nJERRY\nYou got a mickey sauce?\n\nGEORGE\nAnd Elaine is gonna keep him busy.\n\nJERRY\nElaine? How did you rope her into this?\n\nGEORGE\nI told her what a sexist he is. How\nhe cheats on his wife.\n\nJERRY\nShe knew that.\n\nGEORGE\nBut she didn't know he doesn't recycle.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is the point of all this?\n\nGEORGE\nRevenge.\n\nJERRY\nOh, the best revenge is living well.\n\nGEORGE\nThere's no chance of that.\n\nJERRY\nDid you get your laundry?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's with you?\n\nKRAMER\nHe jumped.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Newman jumped.\n\nJERRY\nDid he call you last night?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.\n\nJERRY\nWhat did you say?\n\nKRAMER\nI said \" Wave to me when you pass my\nwindow.\"\n\nJERRY\nWhew. Did he wave?\n\nKRAMER\nNo! He jumped from the second floor.\nMr. Papanickolous saw him from\n\nacross the street. He's lying out there faking. See, he's trying\nto\n\nget back at me.\n\nJERRY\nOh, my god!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat's the matter?\n\nJERRY\nWell, on Thursday when I came home I\nhad $1500 on me. For some\n\nreason I decided to hide it in my laundry bag and then I completely\n\nforgot about it...and then I took the laundry in on Friday! Oh,\ncome on,\n\nlet's go.\n\nKRAMER\nWhere? Where?\n\nJERRY\nTo the Laundromat.\n\nVIC\nI never saw it.\n\nKRAMER\nOkay. Come on. Give the guy his money.\nWhat -- what are you doing?\n\nVIC\nHey, you see that sign right there?\n\nJERRY\nOh, I see. So, you put up a sign so\nyou can do whatever you want?\n\nVIC\nI'm not responsible.\n\nJERRY\nSo, anybody leaves anything here, you\ncan just take it? You have a\n\nlicense to steal? You are like the James Bond of laundry?\n\nVIC\nYou ever hear of a bank?\n\nJERRY\nCome on. Let's go.\n\nKRAMER\nNo. You can't let him get away with\nthis.\n\nELAINE\nWhich one is he?\n\nGEORGE\nThat's him over there. The one that\nlooks like a blowfish.\n\nELAINE\nOh, yeah. I see him.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Hey, thanks for doing this.\n\nELAINE\nWhy pass up the opportunity to go to\nprison?\n\nGEORGE\nThis is by far the most exciting thing\nI've ever done.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. It is kind of cool.\n\nGEORGE\nFirst time in my life I've ever gotten\nback at someone.\n\nELAINE\nI can't believe we're doing this. This\nis the kind of thing they do\n\nin the movies.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's exactly what I told Jerry!\n\nELAINE\nReally?\n\nGEORGE\nYes!\n\n(both laughing)\n\nGEORGE\nGod, I've never felt so alive!\n\nJERRY\nMaybe we should call this off.\n\nKRAMER\nCome on. What's the big deal? Just gonna\nput a little concrete in\n\nthe washing machine.\n\nJERRY\nAnd what's gonna happen?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, it'll gonna mix up with the water,\nand then by the end of the\n\ncycle it'll be a solid block!\n\nJERRY\nIf only you could put your mind to something\nworthwhile. You're like\n\nLex Luthor.\n\nKRAMER\nYou keep him busy.\n\n(Kramer, holding heavy bag of concrete in arms, stumbles to machine,\n\nknocking chairs around)\n\n(Kramer plops concrete down onto washing machine)\n\nKRAMER\nWhoa!\n\n(lifting bag into the air, Kramer, thrown off balance, stumbles\nbackwards\n\nand slams into dryer)\n\nGEORGE\nYou go over there -\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nYou start flirting with him and I'll\ncome by and, while you're\n\nkeeping him busy, I'll slip it in his drink.\n\nELAINE\nWouldn't it be easier just to punch\nhim in the mouth?\n\nLEVITAN\nCome on! They're terrible. They got\nno infield.\n\nELAINE\nOops! 'Scuse me.\n\nLEVITAN\nYeah.\n\nGREENY\nI'm gonna get some food. You want some?\n\nLEVITAN\nNah.\n\nELAINE\nHi.\n\nLEVITAN\nHi.\n\nELAINE\n(sneezes)\n\nLEVITAN\nGod bless you.\n\nELAINE\nOh! Thank you. Thank you very much.\n(blowing nose) Really. I mean\n\nthat. I am not one of those people who give insincere thank you's.\nNo\n\nsir. No sir. When I thank someone I really thank them. So, thank...\n\nyoooou!\n\nLEVITAN\nYou're welcome.\n\nELAINE\nPeople don't say \" God bless you \" as\nmuch as they used to. Have\n\nyou noticed that?\n\nLEVITAN\nNo.\n\nELAINE\nSo, I'm going to a nudist colony next\nweek.\n\nLEVITAN\nNudist colony?\n\nELAINE\nOh, yeah. Yeah. I love nudist colonies.\nThey help me..unwind. Aah!\n\nLEVITAN\n(laughing) I'd never been to a nudist\ncolony.\n\nELAINE\nOh, really? Oh, you should go. They're\ngreat. They're great. Of\n\ncourse, when it's over, it's - it's hard to get used to all this\n\nclothing, you know. So, a lot of times, I'll just lock the door\nto my\n\noffice and I'll just sit there naked.\n\nLEVITAN\nSeriously?\n\nELAINE\nOh, yeah. I usually work naked a...couple\nhours a day.\n\nGEORGE\n(whispering) Glenda, can I ask you a\nfavor? Can I have this seat?\n\nGLENDA\nWhat do you have to sit here for? There\nare plenty of other seats.\n\nGEORGE\n(whispering) I can't explain. It's very\nimportant that I sit here.\n\nGLENDA\nWhat are you doing here anyway? I thought\nyou were fired.\n\nGEORGE\n(whispering) Okay. Okay. Fine.\n\nELAINE\nI cook naked, I clean....I clean naked,\nI drive naked. Naked.\n\nNaked. Naked.\n\nLEVITAN\nWho are you?\n\nELAINE\nOh, you don't wanna know, mistah. I'm\ntrouble. Big trouble.\n\n(lid on machine slams shut after Kramer opens it, forcing him\nto pour\n\nconcrete all over machine)\n\nJERRY\nWhat about the gentle cycle? You ever\nuse that?\n\n(opening lid, Kramer begins to contort & flail arms about as\na cloud of\n\nconcrete covers his face)\n\nJERRY\nDo you think it's effeminate for a man\nto put clothes in a gentle\n\ncycle?\n\n(Kramer emptying bag into machine)\n\nJERRY\nWhat about fine fabrics? How do you\ndeal with that kind of\n\ntemperament?\n\n(finished with machine, Kramer walks to corner of room with half-full\nbag &\n\ndrops it on the floor)\n\n(Kramer giving \"OK\" sign)\n\n(Kramer starting machine & trying to brush the mounds of concrete\noff of\n\nthe machine)\n\nJERRY\nWhat about stone washing? You ever witness\none of those? That must\n\nbe something.\n\nWhat? Do they just pummel the jeans with rocks?\n\n(Kramer walks over to where Jerry is standing, his entire body\ncovered with\n\ndry concrete)\n\nKRAMER\nI didn't realize it was a full box.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm gonna count to three. If you don't\ngive up the chair, the wig\n\nis coming off.\n\nGLENDA\nI don't' wear a wig.\n\nGEORGE\nOne...\n\nELAINE\nNo. No. No. No. No. I don't really have\na phone. In fact, I - I\n\nreally don't have an apartment. I kinda sleep around.\n\n(Levitan & Elaine laughing)\n\nELAINE\nI just like to have and few drinks and\njust let the guy do whatever\n\nhe wants. Would you close your eyes for a second? I wanna tell\nyou a\n\nsecret about my bra.\n\n(George empties contents of tiny bottle into Levitan's drink)\n\n(Elaine & Levitan laughing)\n\nGEORGE\nHello, Rick.\n\nLEVITAN\nHeh heh heh hey! Look who's here!\n\nGEORGE\nThat's right, Ricky Boy, it's me!\n\nLEVITAN\nYou know something, Costanza? I'm a\nvery lucky man.\n\nGEORGE\nOh!\n\nLEVITAN\nI've always been lucky. Things just\nseem to fall right in my lap.\n\nGEORGE\nBoom!\n\n(all laughing)\n\nLEVITAN\nYou wouldn't believe it if I told you.\nIn fact, uh, I'm glad\n\nyou're here. You know, maybe I've been a little rough on ya,\nhuh?\n\nGEORGE\nOh.\n\nLEVITAN\nWhy should we let petty, personal differences\nget in the way of\n\nbusiness? I, uh, I want\n\nyou to come back. You can use my bathroom anytime you want.\n\nGEORGE\nYou want me to come back? Uh...\n\nLEVITAN\nHey! How about a toast, huh? Everybody,\na toast!\n\nGEORGE\nRick.\n\nLEVITAN\nEveryone, I wanna propose a toast to\nten great years at Rick Barr\n\nProperties.\n\nGEORGE\nUh, Rick..\n\nLEVITAN\nAnd all the people in this room, (clears\nthroat) that made that\n\npossible..\n\nGEORGE\nRick.\n\nLEVITAN\nI'd also like to welcome back into the\nfold our..our little\n\nshrimpy friend, George Costanza who, although he didn't really\nhave a\n\nvery good year -- how you blew that McConnell deal, I'll never\nknow. But,\n\nhey, what the hell, huh? We've always enjoyed his antics around\nthe\n\noffice. Heh heh. Anything you wanna add to this?\n\nGEORGE\nDrink up. I like history. Civil War.\nMaybe I could be a professor,\n\nor something.\n\nELAINE\nWell, to teach something you really\nhave to know a lot about it. I\n\nthink you need a degree.\n\nJERRY\nYeah. That's true. What? My God, the\nmoney! The 1500! Where'd you\n\nfind it?\n\nKRAMER\nIt was in my laundry.\n\nJERRY\nIn your laundry the whole time? I told\nyou not to mix in our guys.\n\nWhat did we figure the damage on that machine would be?\n\nKRAMER\nIt was about 1200 bucks.\n\nNEWMAN\nKramer!\n\nKRAMER\nOh! That's Newman.\n\nNEWMAN\nI'm on the roof!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, what are you waiting for?\n\nJERRY\nElaine, come on, take a walk with me\ndown to the Laundromat. I gotta\n\npay this guy the money..\n\nGEORGE\nI like horses. Maybe I could be a stable\nboy.\n\nKRAMER\nYou wanna shoot some pool tonight?\n\nNEWMAN\nI can't. I'm goin' to the movies.\n\nGEORGE\nNah. It's probably a union thing.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Heart-Attack.html",
    "text": "THE HEART ATTACK\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry Charles\n\n(Night club)\n\nJERRY\nYou know, I tell ya, I gotta say that\nI'm enjoying adulthood. For a lot of\nreasons. And, I'll tell you reason number\none: as an adult, if I want a cookie,\nI have\n\na cookie, okay? I have three cookies or four cookies, or eleven\ncookies if I want. Many times I will intentionally ruin my entire\nappetite. Just ruin it. And then, I call\n\nmy mother up right after to tell her that I did it. \"Hello, Mom?\nyeah, I just ruined my entire appetite.. cookies.\" So what if\nyou ruin.. See, because as an adult, we\n\nunderstand even if you ruin an appetite, there's another appetite\ncoming right behind it. There's no danger in running out of appetites.\nI've got millions of them, I'll ruin\n\nthem whenever I want!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Jerry's sitting on his couch in the dark, watching TV)\n\nTV VOICE\n(Germanic) Look, Sigmund. Look in the\nsky. The planets are on fire. It is\njust as you prophesied. The planets\nof our solar system, incinerating. Like\n\nflaming globes, Sigmund. Like flaming globes.. Ah, ha, ha, ha..\n\n(Jerry's now asleep)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's bedroom)\n\n(Jerry's laying in his bed. He wakes suddenly, picks up a pen\nand scribbles something down on a pad. He laughs, shakes his\nhead, then goes back to sleep, laughing\n\nto himself)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Coffee shop)\n\n(Jerry looks tired. He's staring at a crumpled piece of note\npaper. George takes out a cucumber from a bag in his pocket)\n\nELAINE\nWhat do you got, a cucumber?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, so what?\n\nELAINE\nYou're bringing in an ouside cucumber?\n\nGEORGE\nThey refuse to put cucumber in the salad.\nI need cucumber.\n\nJERRY\n(Trying to read the note) What have\nI done? I can't read this! Ful-hel-mo-nen-ter-val?\nI got up last night, I wrote this down,\nI thought I had this great bit.\n\n(Tries to focus on the paper) Wait a second, wait a second..\n\"Fax me some halibut.\" Is that funny? Is that a joke?\n\nELAINE\nNo. Let me see that. (Takes the paper\nfrom Jerry) Don't-mess-with-Johnny.\"\n\nJERRY\nJohnny? Johnny who? Johnny Carson? Did\nI insult Johnny on The Tonight Show?\n\nELAINE\n(Joking) Did you mess with Johnny, Jerry?\n\nGEORGE\nLet me see that. (Studies the note)\n\nELAINE\nHey, where's Kramer?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know. That's like asking \"Where's\nWaldo?\"\n\nGEORGE\n(Still holding the note) I think I'm\nhaving a heart attack.\n\nJERRY\nI don't think that's it.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm not kidding.\n\nJERRY\nWhat does that mean?\n\nELAINE\nI think what he's trying to say is that\nhe's having a heart attack.\n\nJERRY\nOh, he's having a heart attack.\n\nGEORGE\nTightness..\n\nJERRY\nC'mon.\n\nGEORGE\nShortness of breath..\n\nJERRY\nOh, this is ridiculous.\n\nGEORGE\nRadiating waves of pain..\n\nJERRY\nI know what this is. You saw that show\non PBS last night, Coronary Country.\n(To Elaine) I saw it in the TV Guide.\nI called him and told him to make sure\n\nand not watch it.\n\nGEORGE\nThere was nothing else on. Oh, the left\narm.. the left arm.\n\nJERRY\n(To Elaine) He saw that show on anorexia\nlast year, and ate like an animal for\ntwo weeks.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy can't I have a heart attack? I'm\nallowed.\n\nJERRY\nSo what do you want? You want me take\nyou to the hospital?\n\nGEORGE\nManhattan Memorial, less of a line.\n\nJERRY\nI'll call an ambulance. (Exits)\n\n(A waitress approaches. George is dying, but the waitress doesn't\nseem to notice)\n\nWAITRESS\nIs everything alright?\n\nGEORGE\nWe'll just take a check. (She leaves\nthe check. George, in all his cheapness,\ncan't help but to review the check.\nHe finds an error) You made a mistake\n\non the..\n\nELAINE\nGeorge!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Hospital room)\n\n(George lies in the bed. He has EKG cups on his chest, a tube\nup his nose, and an IV in his arm. The man in the neighboring\nbed seems to be in pain)\n\nMAN\nOoohhh... Argghhh..\n\nGEORGE\nAre.. are you okay?\n\nMAN\nOoooooohhh..\n\nGEORGE\nI'm George.. George Costanza.. I've\nnever been in the hospital a day in\nmy life.. except when I had my tonsils\nout. You know, they never gave me any\n\nice cream. I always felt that-\n\nMAN\nShut up!\n\n(Scene goes to Jerry. He's standing at the doorway, showing the\nnote to a nurse)\n\nJERRY\nWell? What do you think?\n\nNURSE 1\n\"Salami, salami, bologna.\" Definitely.\n\nJERRY\n\"Salami salami bologna\"?\n\nDOCTOR\n(In a hurry) Oh, your friend's fine.\nHe didn't have a heart attack. I'll\nbe in - in a few minutes.\n\nJERRY\n(Sarcastic) What a surprise. (Enters\nGeorge's room overly sympathetic - leading\nGeorge to think that the Doctor told\nJerry something significant) Hey, how\n\nya doin' buddy? You need anything? Do you want me to go out and\nget you a Superman comic?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no thanks.\n\nJERRY\n(Still going along with the practical\njoke) You know, I was wondering.. You\nknow that Black Hawks jacket you have?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, sure, my Black Hawks jacket. I love\nmy Black Hawks jacket.\n\nJERRY\nWell, you know, I was thinking - if\nthings don't exactly work out..\n\nGEORGE\nWell, it wouldn't fit you. The sleeves\nare too short.\n\nJERRY\nNo, I tried it on. It fits good.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I didn't really think about what\nI was gonna do with all..\n\nJERRY\nWell, you know..\n\nGEORGE\n(Reluctantly) Well, okay.\n\nJERRY\nOh, and.. do you think it would be alright\nif I called Susan Davis?\n\nGEORGE\nSusan Davis? (Getting possessive) Hey,\nwait a second..\n\nJERRY\nWell, it's not like we'd be bumping\ninto you.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know.. you and Susan Davis?\n\nJERRY\nYou know, if your future was a little\nmore certain..\n\nGEORGE\nOkay, go ahead. Call her, get married,\nhave babies, have a great life.. What\ndo I care? I'm finished. (Really depressed)\nIt's all over for me. In fact, let's\n\nend it right now. Jerry, kill me, kill me now. I'm begging you.\nLet's just get it over with. Be a pal.. Just take the pillow\nand put it over my face.\n\nJERRY\nWell, ah.. (Takes his pillow) What?\nKind of like this? (Violently smothers\nGeorge with the pillow. George freaks\nout. He didn't think Jerry would actually\n\ndo it)\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are ya doing?! Whadya, crazy?!\n\n(Elaine enters - she gets a clear shot of Jerry's jokingly trying\nto kill George)\n\nELAINE\nJerry!\n\nJERRY\n(Acts like he was cought red-handed)\nElaine, what are you doing here? (Takes\nthe pillow off George, and puts it back\non his bed)\n\nGEORGE\n(To Jerry) Jerk off.\n\n(Jerry goes over to Elaine)\n\nJERRY\n(Whispering) There's nothing wrong with\nhim. I saw the doctor. He's fine.\n\n(They both go to George's bed. Elaine decides to go along with\nJerry's joke)\n\nELAINE\nHi, George. How ya feeling? Is anybody\ngetting your apartment?\n\n(Jerry and Elaine both sit down, and have their own conversation.\nThey completely ignore George)\n\nGEORGE\nI'll tell ya, if I ever get out of here,\nI'm gonna change my life. I'm gonna\ndo a whole Zen thing. Take up yoga,\nmeditate.. I'll eat right. Calm down,\nlose my\n\nanger.. (Sees Jerry and Elaine aren't listening. He snaps) Hey,\nis anybody listening?!\n\n(The doctor enters. Elaine and the doctor exchange an awkward,\nromantic glance)\n\nDOCTOR\n(To Elaine) Uh, hello. (To George) Uh,\nMr. Costanza?\n\nGEORGE\n(Panicky) Uh, yeah. You know, Doctor,\nI gotta tell you, I feel a lot better.\n\nDOCTOR\nWell, we looked at your EKG's, ran some\ntests, did a complete work-up.\n\nGEORGE\n(Getting in a more panicked state) Oh\nGod, Mommy!\n\nDOCTOR\nAnd you simply haven't had a heart attack.\n\nGEORGE\n(Relieved) I haven't? I'm okay? I'm\nokay? Oh, thank you, thank you, Doctor!\nI don't know how to thank you.\n\nJERRY\n(Sarcastic) Hey, that was really fun,\nGeorge. Can we go home now?\n\nDOCTOR\nNo, actually, we'd like to keep him\nhere overnight for observation, just\nto be safe.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, sure. Sure, anything. Can you believe\nit? There's nothing wrong with me.\n\nDOCTOR\nWell, I wouldn't go that far.\n\nGEORGE\n(Starting to panic again) What? Oh my\nGod. What? Is it meningitis? Scoliosis?\nLupis?! Is it Lupis?!\n\nDOCTOR\nHave you ever had your tonsils taken\nout?\n\nGEORGE\nMy tonsils? Yeah, when I was a kid.\n\nDOCTOR\nWell, they've grown back. Your adenoids\nare swollen too.\n\nGEORGE\nReally?\n\nELAINE\n(Jokingly hits the doctor) Whose tonsils\ngrow back? (Laughs)\n\nDOCTOR\nIt happens.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, if you've been exposed to gamma\nrays.\n\nELAINE\nI still have my tonsils. Everyone in\nmy family has their tonsils. In fact,\nwe were forbidden to socialize with\nanyone who didn't have their tonsils.\n\nDOCTOR\nThat's interesting. Because, no one\nin my family has their tonsils, and\nwe were forbidden to socialize with\ntonsil people.\n\nJERRY\n(Sarcastically) Well, it's like the\nCapulets and the Montagues.\n\nGEORGE\n(Drawing attention back to him) Excuse\nme!\n\nDOCTOR\nAnyway, I strongly recommend they come\nout.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat? You mean with a knife?\n\nDOCTOR\nYes. With a knife. You know, snip, snip.\nAnyway, you'd be completely under, you\nwouldn't feel a thing. And when you\nwake up, you can have some ice\n\ncream.\n\nGEORGE\n(Angry) Yeah, that's what they told\nme the last time.\n\nDOCTOR\nThink about it. (Turns to leave, but\nruns into Elaine) Excuse me.\n\nELAINE\n(Flustered) Oh, I'm sorry. (Doctor exits)\nI just.. have to ask that doctor one\nmore question. (Leaves)\n\nJERRY\nWomen go after doctors like men go after\nmodels. They want someone with knowledge\nof the body.. we just want the body.\n\n(Kramer enters, eating off a tray of hospital food)\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nBoy, they got a great cafeteria downstairs.\nHot food, sandwiches, a salad bar..\nIt's like a Sizzler's opened up a hospital!\n(Sits and starts eating) So, how\n\ndid you have a heart attack? You're a young man. What were you\ndoing? Are they gonna do a zipper job? Oh, they love to do zipper\njobs.\n\nJERRY\n(Trying to shut him up) Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nThe really bad thing about the heart\nis the sex thing. See, you gotta be\ncareful about sex now. You get that\nheart pumping and suddenly, boom! Next\n\nthing you know, you got a hose coming out of your chest attached\nto a piece of luggage.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, George didn't have a heart attack.\n\nKRAMER\nNo? That's good.\n\nGEORGE\nI have to have my tonsils taken out.\n\nKRAMER\nOh man.. No.. George, we gotta get you\noutta here. Get out! Right now! They'll\nkill ya in here.\n\nJERRY\n(Trying to calm George down) It's routine\nsurgery.\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah? My friend, Bob Saccomanno,\nhe came in here for a hernia operation..\nOh yeah, routine surgery.. now he's\nsittin' around in a chair by a\n\nwindow going, \"My name is Bob\" .. George, whatever you do, don't\nlet 'em cut you. Don't let 'em cut you..\n\nGEORGE\nWell, what should I do, Kramer?\n\nJERRY\nWell, for one think, don't listen to\nhim.\n\nKRAMER\nI'll tell you what to do, I'll tell\nyou what to do. You go to Tor Eckman.\nTor, Tor, he'll fix you right up. He's\na herbalist, a healer, George. He's\nnot just\n\ngonna fix the tonsils and the adenoids, he is gonna change the\nwhole way you function - body and mind.\n\nJERRY\nEckman? I thought he was doing time?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, he's out. He got out. See, the\nmedical establishment, see, they tried\nto frame him. It's all politics. But\nhe's a rebel.\n\nJERRY\nA rebel? No. Johnny Yuma was a rebel.\nEckman is a nut. George, you want to\ntake care of your tonsils, you do it\nin a hospital. With a doctor.\n\nKRAMER\nHe's holistic, George. He's holistic.\n\nGEORGE\nHolistic.. that sounds right.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, you need a medical doctor.\n\nGEORGE\n(To Jerry) Let me ask you something..\nHow much do you think it would cost\nto have tonsils and adenoids removed\nin the hospital?\n\nJERRY\nWell, an overnight stay in a hospital?\nMinor surgery? I dunno, four grand.\n\nGEORGE\nUh-huh. And how much does the healer\ncharge?\n\nKRAMER\nFirst visit? Thirty-eight bucks.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, yeah? Holistic.. that's what I need.\nThat's the answer.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Healer's apartment)\n\n(Jerry and George are sitting on huge pillows on the apartment\nfloor. Kramers fiddling with an acupuncture model)\n\nGEORGE\nSo, how do you like the way I talked\nyou into comin' down here?\n\nJERRY\nDon't flatter yourself, my friend. I'm\nhere strictly for material, and I have\na feeling this is a potential gold mine..\nI still think you're nuts, though.\n\nGEORGE\nAll I know is I've been going to doctors\nall my life. What has it gotten me?\nI'm thirty-three years old. I haven't\noutgrown the problems of puberty, I'm\n\nalready facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped\nhealthy adulthood. I went from having orgasms immediately to\ntaking forever. You could do your taxes\n\nin the time it takes me to have an orgasm. I've never had a normal,\nmedium orgasm.\n\nJERRY\n(Jokingly making fun of George) I've\nnever had a really good pickle.\n\nGEORGE\nBesides, what's it gonna cost me? Thirty-eight\nbucks?\n\n(Tor enters. He hugs Kramer for a long time, then walks over\nto Jerry and George)\n\nTOR\n(To Jerry) Would you not put your foot\non that please?\n\nJERRY\nSorry.\n\n(Tor sits down, and turns tward George)\n\nTOR\nWhat month were you born?\n\nGEORGE\nApril.\n\nTOR\nYou should have been born in August.\nYour parents would have been well-advised\nto wait.\n\nGEORGE\nReally?\n\nTOR\nDo you use hot water in the shower?\n\nGEORGE\nYes.\n\nTOR\nStop using it.\n\nGEORGE\n..Okay.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm off hot water.\n\nTOR\nKramer tells me that you are interested\nin an alternative to surgery.\n\nGEORGE\nYes, yes I am.\n\nTOR\n(Blows into George's face) I think we\ncan help you. See, unfortunately, the\nmedical establishment is a business\nlike any other business. And business\nneeds\n\ncustomers. And, they want to sell you their most expensive item\nwhich is unnecessary surgery.\n\nGEORGE\n(Still on the showers) Can I use hot\nwater on my face?\n\nTOR\nNo. You know, I am not a business man.\nI'm a holistic healer. It's a calling,\nit's a gift. You see, it's in the best\ninterest of the medical profession that\nyou remain\n\nsick. You see, that insures good business. You're not a patient.\nYou're a customer.\n\nJERRY\n(He thinks this, the audience can hear\nhis thoughts) And you're not a doctor,\nbut you play one in real life.\n\nGEORGE\n(Still on the hot water) What about\nshaving?\n\nTOR\n(To Jerry) You're eating too much dairy.\n(To George) May I? (Reaches over, and\ntouches George's face)\n\nGEORGE\nI guess so.\n\nTOR\n(Feeling George's face) You see, you\nare in disharmony. The throat is the\ngateway to the lung. Tonsillitis, adenoiditis,\nis, in Chinese medical terms, and invasion\n\nof heat and wind.\n\nJERRY\n(Again, we hear his thoughts) There's\nsome hot air blowing in here..\n\nTOR\nYou know, I lived with the Eskimos many\nyears ago, and they used to plunge their\nfaces into the snow.\n\nGEORGE\n(Once again, still on the shower) Could\nit be lukewarm?\n\nJERRY\nToo much dairy? You really think I'm\neating too much dairy?\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Doctor's car)\n\n(The Doctor and Elaine are almost done with their date. the doctor\nis speaking seductively to Elaine while holding out her tongue)\n\nDOCTOR\n..The tongue.. yes, the tongue.. or,\nin medical terms, the glossa. It's a\nmuscular organ.. Consists of two parts..\nthe body, and the root.. You see, it's\n\ncovered by this mucous membrane.. These little raised projections\nare the papillae, which give it that furry appearance. Very tactile..\n\n(The Doctor is still holding her tongue)\n\nELAINE\nUh-huh.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Healer's apartment)\n\nTOR\n(Pouring tea) Your tea is ready now.\nThis will solve your so-called tonsil\nproblem. It's a special concoction.\nIt contains crampbark.\n\nJERRY\nI love crampbark.\n\nTOR\nCleavers.\n\nJERRY\nCleaver, I once had cleaver as a kid.\nI was able to lift a car.\n\nTOR\nAnd some couchgrass.\n\nJERRY\nCouchgrass and crampbark? You know,\nI think that's what killed Curly.\n\n(Tor hands George the tea. George isn't willing to drink it right\naway. Jerry looks skeptical, Kramer, on the other hand, is enthusiastic)\n\nKRAMER\nGo ahead, drink it, George.\n\nJERRY\nExcuse me, Tor. May I ask you a question?\nYou have intuitive abilities. You're\nin touch with a lot of this cosmic kind\nof things.. I have this note I can't\nread.\n\nI was wondering if-\n\nTOR\n(Takes the note, then laughs when he\nreads it) Oh, yes.. yes.. \"Cleveland\n117, San Antonio 109.. (Hands note back\nto Jerry)\n\nKRAMER\nGo ahead, drink it, George.\n\nGEORGE\n(Takes a sip) Hey, it's not too bad..\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Ambulance)\n\n(George's strapped down on a gurney. His face is purple, and\nhe's screaming. Jerry and Kramer are trying to calm him down.\nThe driver and the assistant in the\n\nback are having a huge fight)\n\nGEORGE\n(In a state of hysteria) I'm an eggplant!\nI'm an eggplant! I'm a minstrel man!\n\nDRIVER\n(To Assistant) I didn't take your Chuckle,\nman!\n\nASSISTANT\nI had five Chuckles. I ate a green one,\nand the yellow one, and the red one\nis missing!\n\nDRIVER\nI don't even like Chuckles!\n\nJERRY\n(To Assistant) Maybe he doesn't like\nthem. That's possible.\n\nGEORGE\nMy face! My face! Get me to the hospital!\n\nASSISTANT\nI want that Chuckle! You hear me?!\n\nJERRY\n(To Assistant) I'll get you a Chuckle.\nYou want me to get you a Chuckle?\n\nASSISTANT\n(Angry, to Driver) Pull over!\n\nDRIVER\nPull over? Did you say pull over?! You\nwant a piece of me?!\n\nASSISTANT\nYeah!\n\nJERRY\nYou're gonna fight?\n\nGEORGE\nNow?! I'm a mutant!\n\nKRAMER\n(To Driver) Hey, let me drive.\n\nASSISTANT\nCome on, man. Pull over!\n\nDRIVER\nAlright! I'm gonna mess you up, man!\n\n(Ambulance comes to a screeching halt. Driver gets out, and the\nassistant heads for the back door)\n\nJERRY\n(Pleading) Really, gentlemen, please.\n\nGEORGE\nMy heart! My heart! (To Assistant) Where\nyou going? Are you crazy?!\n\nASSISTANT\nI'm gonna kick his ass.\n\nKRAMER\n(To Assistant) Hey, you have keys?\n\nGEORGE\nYou can't leave! This is an ambulance!\nThis is an emergency!\n\n(The Assistant leaves. Jerry, Kramer, and George watch the two\nfight)\n\nJERRY\nAll this for a Chuckle.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat's a Chuckle?\n\nJERRY\nIt's a jelly candy. it comes in five\nflavors.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Doctor's car)\n\n(He's still holding Elaine's tongue)\n\nDOCTOR\nYou see, taste buds run on grooves along\nthe surfaces.\n\nELAINE\nCan you let go of my tongue now?\n\nDOCTOR\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nLet go of my tongue!\n\nDOCTOR\n(Lets go) Oh, sorry.\n\nELAINE\nWell, I should get going.. (The Doctor\nleans in for a kiss. Elaine stops him)\nWhat are you doing?\n\nDOCTOR\nI was going to kiss you good night.\n\nELAINE\nA kiss? With the tongue? The glossa\nwith the bumps and the papillae? ..Yech,\nI don't think so. (Leaves)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Ambulance)\n\n(It's now moving. The driver's behind the wheel, but the assistant\nis nowhere in sight)\n\nJERRY\nYou just can't leave him out there.\n\nDRIVER\nI told him I was gonna mess him up.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, can you call him an ambulance?\n\nDRIVER\nI told him I didn't take his Chuckle.\nI don't eat that gooey crap!\n\nKRAMER\nhey, watch the road! Watch the road,\nman!\n\nDRIVER\n(Turns back, facing Kramer) Hey, man,\nyou want some of what he got?!\n\nJERRY AND KRAMER\nWatch out!\n\n(The Ambulance crashes into something)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Hospital room)\n\n(George is in the bed, watching TV, wearing a neck brace. Jerry\nenters limping and wearing a neck brace, also. He talks to George,\nbut George can't respond\n\nverbally)\n\nJERRY\nHow ya doing? (George nods) Can't talk?\n(George shakes his head. Jerry gestures\nto his brace) Hey, how'd you get the\nplastic one? (George raises his\n\neyebrows) I like that. (George sticks his tongue out) So how's\nlife without tonsils? (George quickly indicates with his arm\nthat he wants ice cream) What? What's\n\nthat? ..So, how much is this thing gonna cost you now? Like,\nfive, six thousand?.. (George signals that it's more) Well, live\nand learn.. at least we lived. Kramer went\n\nto Eckman.. He feels better alreadyy.. (George motions for ice\ncream again) What are you doing?\n\n(Elaine enters)\n\nELAINE\nOh, poor George. Oh, I'm sorry, but\nI can't stay long. I don't want to run\ninto Doctor Tongue.. Here, I brought\nyou something. (Takes out a pint of\nice\n\ncream. George gets excited) Oh, please, come on.. it was nothing.\n\n(Nurse enters)\n\nJERRY\nHey, check the TV.\n\n(The TV is showing the same exact movie Jerry was watching at\nthe start of the show)\n\nTV VOICE\n(Germanic) It's just as you prophesied.\nThe planets of our solar system, incinerating.\nLike flaming globes, Sigmond. Like flaming\nglobes. Ah, ha, ha, ha..\n\nJERRY\n(Pulls the note out of his pocket) That's\nit! That's it! Flaming globes of Sigmond!\nFlaming Globes of Sigmond! That's my\nnote! tha'ts what I thought was so\n\nfunny?! ..That's not funny.. There's nothing funny about that.\n\n(George throws the whole carton of ice cream over the separating\ncurtan)\n\nMAN\nAaahhhgggg!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Night club)\n\nJERRY\nI have a friend who's a hypochondriac,\nalways thinks he's sick - never is.\nAnd they, you have another type of person,\nalways thinks they're well, not matter\n\nhow bad they really are. You know this type of person? Very annoying.\n\"Feel great.. like being on the respirator.. intravenous heart/lung\nmachine. I never felt better\n\nin my life.\" Medical science is making advances every day in\ncontrol health problems. In fact, it's probably only a matter\nof time before a heart attack, you know,\n\nbecomes like, a head ache. We'll just see people on TV going,\n\"I had a heart attack this big (Holds out hands, gesturing bigness)\n..but, I gave myself one of these.\n\nClear! (Puts imaginary electrode panels to his chest) Brrhht..\nand it's gone!\"\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Deal.html",
    "text": "THE DEAL\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nI've been watching women in the department\nstores. They're trying on clothes, and\nI've noticed that they do it differently\nfrom men. Women don't try on the clothes,\nthey get behind the clothes, you see?\nThey take a dress off the rack, and\nthey hold it up against themself. They\ncan tell something from this. They stick\none leg way out 'cause they nedd to\nknow, if some day I'm one-legged, and\nat a fourty-five degree angle, what\nam I gonna wear? You never see a man\ndo that. You never see a guy take a\nsuit off the rack, put his head in the\nneck, and go, \"What do you think about\nthis suit? I think I'll get it. Yeah,\nit looks fine. Put some shoes by the\nbottom of the pants, I wanna make sure.\nYeah, perfect. And what if I'm walking?\nMove the shoes, move the shoes, move\nthe shoes, move the shoes.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you doing? All right, all right.\nWhat's the matter with that? What about\nthat one?\n\nELAINE\nRobert Vaughn, The Helsinki Formula?\n\nJERRY\nHe was good in Man From Uncle.\n\nELAINE\nGuess whose birthday's comin' up soon?\n\nJERRY\nI know, I'm having my root canal the\nsame week.\n\nELAINE\nOh, right. I hope you have a good oral\nsurgeon because that can be very serious.\n(Changes channel) Hey, look at naked\npeople.\n\nJERRY\nNo, I don't wanna see the naked people.\n\nELAINE\nBeen a while?\n\nJERRY\nI have a vague recollection of doing\nsomething with someone, but it was a\nlong, long time ago.\n\nELAINE\nI think my last time was in Rochester.\nMy hair was a lot shorter.\n\nJERRY\nI remember that it's a good thing. Someday,\nI hope to do it again. (Jerry looks\nat Elaine)\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nWhat was that look?\n\nJERRY\nWhat look?\n\nELAINE\nThe look you just gave me.\n\nJERRY\nI gave a look?\n\nELAINE\nYes.\n\nJERRY\nWhat kind of look?\n\nELAINE\nI know that look.\n\nJERRY\nThen what was it?\n\nELAINE\nWhy should I tell you?\n\nJERRY\nWell, you're the big look expert. I\nwanna see how smart you are.\n\nELAINE\nTrust me. I know the look. (Pause) So...\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nWhat about the look?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know.\n\nELAINE\nYou got something on your mind?\n\nJERRY\nNo. Things pop into your head. You?\n\nELAINE\nThings occur to me from time to time.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, me too. Well, you can't expect\nto just forget the past completely.\n\nELAINE\nNo, of course not.\n\nJERRY\nI mean, it was something we did. Probably\nabout, what? Twenty-five times?\n\nELAINE\nThirty-seven.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, we pretty much know what we're\ndoin' in there. (Points to bedroom)\n\nELAINE\nWe know the terrain.\n\nJERRY\nNo big surprises.\n\nELAINE\nNope.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you think?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know. What do you think?\n\nJERRY\nWell, it's something to consider.\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nI mean, let's say we did.\n\nELAINE\nWhat if.\n\nJERRY\nIs that like the end of the world or\nsomething?\n\nELAINE\nCertainly not.\n\nJERRY\nWhy shouldn't we be able to do that\nonce in a while if we want to?\n\nELAINE\nI know.\n\nJERRY\nI mean, really, what is the big deal?\nWe go in there. (Points to the bedroom)\nWe're in there for a while. We come\nright back out here. It's not complicated.\n\nELAINE\nIt's almost stupid if we didn't.\n\nJERRY\nIt's moronic.\n\nELAINE\nAbsurd!\n\nJERRY\nOf course, I guess, maybe, some little\nproblems could arise.\n\nELAINE\nWe, there are always a few.\n\nJERRY\nI mean, if anything happened, and we\ncouldn't be friends the way we are now,\nthat would be really bad.\n\nELAINE\nDevastating.\n\nJERRY\nBecause this is very good. (Points back\nand forth between them to indicate friendship)\n\nELAINE\nAnd that would be good. (Points to bedroom)\n\nJERRY\nThat would be good too. The idea is\ncombine the this and the that. But this\ncannot be disturbed.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, we just wanna take this and add\nthat.\n\nJERRY\nBut of course, we'd have to figure out\na way to avoid the things that cause\nthe little problems. Maybe some rules\nor something.\n\nELAINE\nHuh.\n\nJERRY\nFor example, now, I call you whenever\nI'm inclined and vice versa.\n\nELAINE\nRight.\n\nJERRY\nBut if we did that, we might feel a\ncertain obligation to call.\n\nELAINE\nWell why should that be? Oh, I have\nan idea. I have an idea. No call the\nday after that.\n\nJERRY\nBeautiful. Let's make it a rule.\n\nELAINE\nAll right, sir.\n\nJERRY\nNow here's another little rule. When\nwe see each other now, we retire to\nour separate quarters. But sometimes,\nwhen people get involved with that,\nthey feel pressure to sleep over. When\nthat is not really sleep. Sleep is separate\nfrom that. And I don't see why sleep\ngot all tied up and connected with that.\n\nELAINE\nOkay, okay. Spending the night is optional!\n\nJERRY\nWell now we're gettin' somewhere.\n\nELAINE\nWhat about the kiss goodnight?\n\nJERRY\nTough one. You're call.\n\nELAINE\nIt's brug-wa (?).\n\nJERRY\nFine. Well.\n\nELAINE\nWell.\n\nJERRY\nYou ready?\n\nELAINE\nReady.\n\nJERRY\nSo think you can handle this?\n\nELAINE\nDefinitely. (Runs into bookshelf)\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nGot the paper?\n\nJERRY\nNot yet.\n\nKRAMER\nNo paper?\n\nJERRY\nI haven't been out yet.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, what's taking you so long? (Elaine\nenters from the bedroom. Kramer is a\nlittle shocked) Uh? Oh, well, yeah...\n(He exits)\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's the deal with Aquaman? Could\nhe go on land, or was he just restricted\nto water?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I think I saw him on land a couple\ntimes. So how's the job situation goin'?\n\nGEORGE\nStill lookin'. It's pretty bad out there.\nWhat about you?\n\nJERRY\nNothin' much. I slept with Elaine last\nnight.\n\nGEORGE\nOxygen! I need some oxygen! This is\nmajor.\n\nJERRY\nI thought you'd like that.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, this is huge!\n\nJERRY\nI know.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, okay. Let's go, details.\n\nJERRY\nNo, I can't do details.\n\nGEORGE\nYou wha?\n\nJERRY\nI can't give details.\n\nGEORGE\nNo details?\n\nJERRY\nI'm not in the mood.\n\nGEORGE\nYou ask me to have lunch, tell me you\nslept with Elaine, and then say you're\nnot in the mood for details. Now you\nlisten to me. I want details and I want\nthem right now. I don't have a job,\nI have no place to go. You're not in\nthe mood? Well you get in the mood!\n\nJERRY\nAll right, okay. We're in the apartment\nwatching TV.\n\nGEORGE\nWhere are you sitting?\n\nJERRY\nOn the couch.\n\nGEORGE\nNext to each other?\n\nJERRY\nNo, separated.\n\nGEORGE\nTime?\n\nJERRY\nAbout eleven.\n\nGEORGE\nOkay, go ahead.\n\nJERRY\nSo she's flipping around the TV, and\nshe gets to the naked station.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, see? that's why I don't have cable\nin my house. Because of that naked station.\nIf I had that in my house, I would never\nturn it off. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't\neat. Eventually, firemen would have\nto break through the door, they'd find\nme sitting there in my pajamas with\ndrool coming down my face. All right,\nall right. So you're watching the naked\nstation.\n\nJERRY\nAnd then, somehow, we started talking\nabout, what if we had sex.\n\nGEORGE\nBoy, these are really bad details.\n\nJERRY\nIt pains me to say this, but I may be\ngetting to mature for details.\n\nGEORGE\nOh I hate to hear this. That kind of\ngrowth really irritates me.\n\nJERRY\nWell. I'll tell you though. It was really\npassionate.\n\nGEORGE\nBetter than before?\n\nJERRY\nShe must've taken some kind of seminar\nor something.\n\nGEORGE\nThis is all too much. So what are you\nfeeling? What's going on? Are you like\na couple again now?\n\nJERRY\nNot exactly.\n\nGEORGE\nNot exactly. What does that mean?\n\nJERRY\nWell, we've tried to arrange a situation\nwhere we'll be able to do this once\nin a while and still be friends. (George\nlaughs hysterically and stands oiut\nof his seat)\n\nGEORGE\nWhere are you living? Are you here?\nAre you on this planet? It's impossible.\nIt can't be done.\n\n(He sits back down) Thousands of years people have been trying\nto have their cake and eat it too. So all of a sudden the two\nof you are going to come along and do it. Where do you get the\nego? No one can do it. It can't be done.\n\nJERRY\nI think we've worked out a system.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, you know what you're like? You're\nlike a pathetic gambler. You're one\nof those losers in Las Vegas who keeps\nthinking he's gonna come up with a way\nto win at blackjack.\n\nJERRY\nNo, this is very advanced. We've designed\nat set of rules that we can maintain\nthe friendship by advancing all of the\nrelationship pitfalls.\n\nGEORGE\nSure, all right. Tell me the rules.\n\nJERRY\nOkay. No calls the next day.\n\nGEORGE\n(To himself) So you're havin' the sex,\nnext day you don't have to call. That's\npretty good. (Back to Jerry) Go ahead.\n\nJERRY\nYou ready for the second one?\n\nGEORGE\nI have tell you, I'm pretty impressed\nwith the first one.\n\nJERRY\nSpending the night. Optional.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, you see? You got greedy.\n\nJERRY\nNo, that's the rule. It's optional.\n\nGEORGE\nI know less about women than anyone\nin the world. But one thing I do know\nis they're not happy if you don't spend\nthe night. I could be a hot, sweaty\nroom with no air conditioning and all\nthey have is a little army cot this\nwide (Displays with French fry) You're\nnot going anywhere.\n\nJERRY\nI think you're wrong.\n\nGEORGE\nI hope I am.\n\nJERRY\nIs this yours or the roommate's?\n\nELAINE\nThe roommate's.\n\nJERRY\nWould she mind?\n\nELAINE\nShe keeps track of everything.\n\nJERRY\nWell, that's too bad, 'cause I'm takin'\nit.\n\nELAINE\nThanks.\n\nJERRY\nWell, guess I'll get going.\n\nELAINE\nOh.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I have that root canal tomorrow\nmorning. It'll be easier if I go home.\n\nELAINE\nFine, go away.\n\nJERRY\nI don't understand. Is there a problem?\n(Elaine is pulling a roll of paper towels\nabout twenty feet long) I'm getting\nthe impression there's a problem.\n\nELAINE\nJust go.\n\nJERRY\nI'm having surgery tomorrow.\n\nELAINE\nOh, surgery. You're going to the dentist.\n\nJERRY\nBut you said, it can be very serious.\n\nELAINE\nOkay, so fine. Go.\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened to the rules? Remember?\nSleeping over was optional.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, it's my house, it's my option.\n\nJERRY\nIt has nothing to do with whose house\nit is.\n\nELAINE\nOh, of course it does. (Elaine's roommate,\nTina, enters)\n\nTINA\nHi.\n\nELAINE + JERRY\nHi.\n\nTINA\nHi, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHi.\n\nTINA\nSuch a great improv class tonight.\n\nELAINE\nOh really?\n\nTINA\nI had this improv where I pretended\nI was working in one of those booths.\nYou know, in the amusement park, where\nyou have to shoot the water in the clown's\nmouth and you have to blow up the balloon.\n\nELAINE\nUh, Tina? Could you excuse us for just\none second?\n\nTINA\nOh, yeah. I'll excuse you. (She walks\naway)\n\nELAINE\nWhat are you doing?\n\nJERRY\nI can't go if you're mad.\n\nELAINE\nI'm not mad.\n\nJERRY\nYou seemed a little mad.\n\nELAINE\nNo, no. Jerry, I'm fine really. It's\nokay.\n\nJERRY\nSo you're okay with everything?\n\nELAINE\nDefinitely. Are you?\n\nJERRY\nDefinitely. Well, goodnight.\n\nELAINE\nGoodn-- (He starts to kiss her) What're\nyou doing?\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nRules.\n\nTINA\nHey, who took my cake? (Jerry exits\nquickly)\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about jewelry? That's very nice\ngift.\n\nJERRY\nNo, no. I have to be very careful here.\nI don't want to send the wrong message.\nEspecially after the other night.\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe I'll get her some jewelry.\n\nJERRY\nNo, no. You can't get her anything better\nthan me. Whatever I spend, you have\nto spend half.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat am I supposed to get, a bazooka?\n\nJERRY\nYou don't understand. I'm in a very\ndelicate position. Whatever I give her,\nshe's going to be bringing in experts\nfrom all over the country to interpret\nthe meaning behind it.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat does she need? Maybe there's something\nthat she needs.\n\nJERRY\nI think I heard her say something about\na bench.\n\nGEORGE\nA bench? What kind of a bench?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, but she mentioned a bench.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, like at a bus stop?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know.\n\nGEORGE\nLike a park bench?\n\nJERRY\nI have no idea.\n\nGEORGE\nWho puts a bench in their house?\n\nJERRY\nForget the bench.\n\nGEORGE\nI got it. You wanna get her something\nnice? How 'bout a music box?\n\nJERRY\nNo, too relationshippy. She opens it\nup, she hears that Laura's theme, I'm\ndead.\n\nGEORGE\nOkay, what about a nice frame? With\na picture of another guy in it. Frame\nsays I care for you, but if you wanna\nget serious, perhaps you'd be interested\nin someone like this.\n\nJERRY\nNice looking fellow.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about candle holders?\n\nJERRY\nToo romantic.\n\nGEORGE\nLingerie?\n\nJERRY\nToo sexual.\n\nGEORGE\nWaffle maker.\n\nJERRY\nToo domestic.\n\nGEORGE\nBust of Nelson Rockefeller.\n\nJERRY\nToo Gubernatorial. (?)\n\nGEORGE\nLet's work on the card.\n\nJERRY\nMaybe you won't like it.\n\nELAINE\nOh, how could I not like it? Of course\nI'll like it.\n\nJERRY\nYou could not like it.\n\nELAINE\nJust the fact that you remembered means\neverything.\n\nJERRY\nOf course I remembered. You reminded\nme everyday for two months. Oh, the\ncard. (She opens)\n\nELAINE\nCash?\n\nJERRY\nWould do you think?\n\nELAINE\nYou got me cash?\n\nJERRY\nWell this way I figure you can go out\nand get yourself whatever you want.\nNo good?\n\nELAINE\nWho are you, my uncle?\n\nJERRY\nWell come on. That's $182 right there.\nI don't think that's anything to sneeze\nat.\n\nELAINE\nLet me see the card. (Reading) To a\nwonderful girl, a great pal, and more?\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nHey. Oh, Elaine. I'm glad you're here.\nStay right there. I'm gonna be right\nback. (He exits)\n\nELAINE\nPal? You think I'm your pal?\n\nJERRY\nI said, \"and more.\"\n\nELAINE\nI am not your pal.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's wrong with pal? Why is everyone\nso down on pal? (Kramer enters with\npresent)\n\nELAINE\nOh, what is this? You got me something?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Open it.\n\nELAINE\nOh Kramer... (She opens it) The bench!\nYou got me the bench that I wanted!\n(Jerry looks irritated)\n\nKRAMER\nThat's pretty good, huh?\n\nJERRY\nGreat.\n\nKRAMER\nRemember when we were standing there\nand she mentioned it? I made a mental\nnote of it.\n\nJERRY\nWell goody for you.\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah, I'm very sensitive about that.\nI mean, when someone's birthday comes\nup, I keep my ears open. So what'd you\nget her?\n\nJERRY\n182 bucks.\n\nKRAMER\nCash? You gotta be kidding. What kind\nof gift is that? That's like something\nher uncle would get her.\n\nELAINE\n(Reading card) Think where man's glory\nmost begins and ends and say my glory\nwas I had such a friend.\n\nKRAMER\n(To Jerry) Yates.\n\nELAINE\nOh Kramer. (They embrace)\n\nJERRY\nCould you excuse us please?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nWe're talking.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, the relationship. (He leaves)\n\nJERRY\nYou know, we never had one fight before\nthis deal.\n\nELAINE\nI know.\n\nJERRY\nNever.\n\nELAINE\nEver.\n\nJERRY\nWe got along beautifully.\n\nELAINE\nLike clams.\n\nJERRY\nIt was wonderful.\n\nELAINE\nA pleasure.\n\nJERRY\nSo I think we should just forget the\nwhole deal, and go back to being friends.\n\nELAINE\nI can't do it.\n\nJERRY\nYou what?\n\nELAINE\nI can't do that.\n\nJERRY\nYou mean it's... (She nods) No this.\nNo that. No this or that. Oh, boy. What\ndo you want?\n\nELAINE\nThis, that, and the other.\n\nJERRY\nOh, sure. Of course, you're entitled.\nWho doesn't want this, that, and the\nother?\n\nELAINE\nYou.\n\nJERRY\n(Starts to correct then realizes) Well...\n\nGEORGE\nThose birthdays. I told you. They're\nrelationship killers. If a relationship\nis having any problems whatsoever, a\nbirthday will always bring it out.\n\nJERRY\nI never should have made up those rules.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat is it about sex that just disrupts\neverything? Is it the touching? Is it\nthe nudity?\n\nJERRY\nIt can't be the nudity. I never got\ninto these terrible fights and misunderstandings\nwhen I was changing before gym class.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know what this means? I can't see\nher anymore either.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's break up by association. Besides,\nshe's mad at me anyway because of my\nbirthday present.\n\nJERRY\nWhat did you end up giving her?\n\nGEORGE\n91 dollars.\n\nJERRY\nSorry about that.\n\nGEORGE\nSo what're you gonna do?\n\nJERRY\nWell, if I call her, there's no joking\naround anymore. This is pretty much\nit.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, maybe this should be it.\n\nJERRY\nCould be it.\n\nGEORGE\nShe seems like an it.\n\nJERRY\nShe's at it as you get. Imagine bumping\ninto her on the street in five years\nwith a husband. And she tells me he's\na sculptor, they live in Vermont...\n\nGEORGE\nWe'd have to kill him.\n\nJERRY\nWe'd get caught, I'd get the chair.\n\nGEORGE\nI'd go to prison as your accomplice.\nI'd have to wear that really heavy denim.\nGo to the cafeteria line with the guy\nwho slops those mashed potatoes onto\nyour plate. Go to the bathroom in front\nof hundreds of people.\n\nJERRY\nPlus, you know what else.\n\nGEORGE\nYou better call her.\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nYou got the paper yet?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\nWell where is it? (Elaine enters from\nbedroom with newspaper) Hey, you done\nwith that?\n\nELAINE\nNo.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you're not reading it now.\n\nELAINE\nAll right, you can take it. But I want\nit back.\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah. So, ah, what're you guys gonna\ndo today?\n\nELAINE\nAh, this. And that.\n\nJERRY\nAnd the other.\n\nKRAMER\nBoy, I really liked the two of you much\nbetter when you weren't a couple. (He\nexits)\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Baby-Shower.html",
    "text": "THE BABY SHOWER\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry Charles\n\n(Night club)\n\nJERRY\nMen flip around the television more\nthan women, I think. Men get that remote\ncontrol in their hands, they don't even\nknow what the hell they're watching.\n\nYou know, we just keep going, \"Rerun, don't wanna watch it..\n\" \"What are you watching?\" \"I don't care, I gotta keep going.\"\n\"Who was that?\" \"I don't know what it\n\nwas - doesn't matter, it's not your fault. It doesn't matter,\nI gotta keep going.\" Women don't do this. See now, women will\nstop and go, \"Well, let me see what the\n\nshow is before I change the channel.\" You see? Men just fly.\nBecause women, you see, women nest and men hunt. That's why we\nwatch TV differently. Before\n\nthere was flipping around, before there was television, kings\nand emperors and pharaohs and such had story-tellers that would\ntell them stories 'cause that was their\n\nentertainment. I always wonder, in that era, if they would get,\nlike, thirty story-tellers together so they could still flip\naround. Just go, \"Alright start telling me a story,\n\nwhat's happening? I don't want to hear anymore. Shut up. Go to\nthe next guy. What are you talking about? Is there a girl in\nthat story? ..No? Shut up. Go to the next\n\nguy. What do you got? I don't want to hear that either. Shut\nup. No, go ahead, what are you talking about?.. I don't want\nto hear that. No, the all of you, get out of\n\nhere. I'm going to bed.\"\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Coffee shop)\n\nGEORGE\n(Shocked) She's pregnant? Leslie is\npregnant?! Oh, see, there is no justice.\n\nJERRY\nShe's the performance artist, right?\n\nGEORGE\n(Sarcastic) Yeah, performance artist.\nShe's a real performer. A real trooper.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's her husband's name, again? Chip?\nKip? Skip?\n\nELAINE\nTodd.\n\nJERRY\nTodd. Oh yeah. (To George) He's a Kennedy.\n\nELAINE\nNo, he's not.\n\nJERRY\nC'mon. He's a third cousin, or something.\n\nELAINE\nBy marriage.\n\nJERRY\nOh, by marriage. (To George) We went\nto their wedding. You should have heard\nhim talking about Chappaquiddick - trying\nto blame the whole thing on\n\nbad directions.\n\nGEORGE\nThat woman was unequivocally the worst\ndate of my life.\n\nELAINE\nOh, pardon me for trying to set you\nup with a beautiful, intelligent woman.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, you don't think I can attract\nbeautiful, intelligent women?\n\nJERRY\nThin ice, George. Thin ice..\n\nGEORGE\n(Sarcastic) Maybe for her new performance\npiece she'll give birth on stage.\n\nELAINE\nShe stopped performing.\n\nGEORGE\n(Again, sarcastic) Oh, what a huge blow\nto the culture.\n\nJERRY\n(Gesturing to George) You believe this\nguy? He holds a grudge like Khomeini.\n\nGEORGE\nShe dragged me down to that warehouse\non the waterfront in Brooklin to see\none of her \"performances\".\n\nJERRY\nOh, and she cooks dinner onstage for\nsome celebrity?\n\nGEORGE\nGod! She's cooking dinner for God! She's\nyelling and screaming, and the next\nthing I know, she throws a big can of\nchocolate syrup all over my new red\n\nshirt.\n\nELAINE\nIt was an accident!\n\nGEORGE\nOh, yeah, sure, accident, right. She\nwas aiming right at me like she was\nputting out a fire! Then, for the rest\nof the show, I'm sitting there with\nchocolate all\n\nover my shirt. Flies are landing on me. I'm boiling - I'm fantasizing\nall the things I'm gonna say when I see her. And later, finally,\nbackstage when I talk to her, I'm a\n\ngroveling worm. \"What kind of chocolate was that? Do you throw\nany other foods?\"\n\nJERRY\n(To Elaine) he thought he still had\na shot.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd then, then, then she leaves with\nsomebody else! Never even, never even\nsaid goodbye! Never called me back..\nNever apologized. Nothing. Like I\n\nwas dirt.\n\nJERRY\nWhat ever happened with the shirt?\n\nGEORGE\nI still have it. The collar's okay.\nI wear it under sweaters.\n\nELAINE\nI don't know what I'm gonna do. She\nasked me to give her a baby shower.\n\nJERRY\nAsked you? You're not going to do that\nare you?\n\nELAINE\nanyone else, never. But, Leslie - I\nhave a problem saying no to. For some\nreason, I seem to want her approval.\n\nGEORGE\nLet Maria Shriver give her a baby shower.\n\nJERRY\nAsk not what I can do for you - ask\nwhat you can do for me.\n\nGEORGE\n(Germanic) Ich bin ein sucker.\n\nELAINE\nOh, would you two stop with the Kennedys?\nWhy does everybody make such a big deal\nabout he Kennedys? What is this fascination?!\nWho cares?! It's\n\nall so boring..\n\nGEORGE\nShe doesn't deserve a baby shower. She\ndeserves a baby monsoon. She deserves\nRosemary's baby!\n\nELAINE\n(To Jerry) I do have one teeny little\nproblem, though.\n\nGEORGE\nNever said goodbye. Never apologized.\nNothing.\n\nELAINE\nSee, I was gonna give the shower in\nmy apartment..\n\nJERRY\nBut?\n\nELAINE\nMy roommate has Lyme disease.\n\nJERRY\nLyme disease? I thought she had Epstein-Barr\nSyndrome?\n\nELAINE\nShe has this in addition to Epstein-Barr.\nIt's like Epstein-Barr with a twist\nof Lyme disease.\n\nJERRY\nHow did she get Lyme disease?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know. She did some outdoor version\nof Hair in Danbury, Connecticut.\n\nJERRY\nThey still do that play?\n\nELAINE\nIt's a classic.\n\nJERRY\nWith all the nudity?\n\nELAINE\nI guess. She must've rolled over on\na tick during the love-in.\n\nGEORGE\n(Still mad a Leslie) Never said goodbye.\nGoodbye!\n\nJERRY\nExplain to me how this baby shower thing\nworks.\n\nELAINE\nWhat do you wanna know?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I mean, does it ever erupt into\na drunken orgy of violence?\n\nELAINE\nRarely.\n\nJERRY\nThere's no hazing of the fetus, or anything,\nis there?\n\nELAINE\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nWhen is this suppose to be?\n\nELAINE\nSaturday.\n\nJERRY\nSaturday?.. Well, I have a show in Buffalo\non Saturday. They're not gonna bust\nup my apartment, or anything, are they?\n\nELAINE\nI'll take full responsibility. You won't\nregret it.\n\nJERRY\n'Cause I've seen these pregnant women\n- and they sometimes misjudge their\nfetal girth. Just like one wrong turn,\nand boom! And entire buffet is swept\noff\n\nthe table.\n\nGEORGE\nSomeday, before I die, mark my words\n- I'm gonna tell that woman exactly\nwhat I think of her. I'll never be able\nto forgive myself until I do.\n\nJERRY\nAnd if you do?\n\nGEORGE\nI still won't be able to forgive myself\n- but at least it won't be about this.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Jerry's TV's not giving a clear picture. He messes with the\ndials as Kramer looks over his shoulder)\n\nKRAMER\nWhat are you doing this for? Look at\nyou..\n\nJERRY\nQuiet. I'm trying to get a picture.\n\nKRAMER\nBut you don't have to do this! This\nguy is waiting in my house.\n\nJERRY\n(Pleading) Leave me alone.\n\nKRAMER\nIt's a one-time fee. A hundred and fifty\nbucks. Why live like this?!\n\nJERRY\nI'm not getting illegal cable!\n\nKRAMER\nOh, so what are you gonna do? You gonna\nwait for the cable companies to resolve\ntheir dispute? They're gonna be in court\nfor years.\n\nJERRY\nNo, I read in the paper..\n\nKRAMER\n(Sarcastic) Oh, oh, the paper..\n\nJERRY\nWell, they might hook us up again.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, God, you're so naive! All the cable\ncompanies care about is the \"Big Mammoo.\"\n(Jerry wacks the TV) Oh, look at you!\nYou're banging things..\n\nPathetic. Just wasting your life. I'm offering you fifty-six\nchannels - movies, sports, nudity. And it's free! For life!\n\nJERRY\nStop shouting! You're ruining the reception.\n\nKRAMER\nCan you hear yourself? Can, can, do\nyou know what you're saying?!\n\nJERRY\nWhat you're suggesting is illegal.\n\nKRAMER\nIt's not illegal.\n\nJERRY\nIt's against the law.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, yeah.\n\nJERRY\n(Gesturing to the rabbit ears) Just,\njust, hold this. Can you hold that?\n\nKRAMER\n(Holding the rabbit ears) Look, will\nyou at least let me bring the guy over?\nHe's an amazing man. He's a Russian\nimmigrant. He escaped the Gulag. He's\n\nlike the Sakharov of cable guys.. He'll slow down your gas meter.\nHe sells slugs, Jerry. Slugs for the subway.\n\nJERRY\nA real human rights nut, huh?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. He's intense, man.\n\nJERRY\nI don't know. What if I get caught?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, you're not gonna get caught. Look,\nlet me get him. Man, it's the nineties,\nit's Hammer time! Come on, just let\nme get him.\n\n(Kramer drops the rabbit ears, and goes to his apartment. He\nthen returns with a Russian cable guy - Anatoly Tabachnick, and\nhis assistant. Tabachnick mumbles,\n\nshakes, laughs, then wanders around the apartment. Jerry looks\nconfused)\n\nJERRY\nYou know, why don't we wait? Because,\nI'm going out of town tomarrow.\n\nTABACHNICK\nTomarrow okay.\n\nKRAMER\nNo problem. Yeah, you'll have the whole\nthing installed by the time you get\nback.\n\nJERRY\n(Mutters to himself) Every time I turn\non the TV, sirens are gonna go off.\nThey're gonna track me down like a dog,\nI know it..\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, now look now, Jerry, Jerry,\nit's no risk. I swear. The Mets have\nseventy-five games on cable this year..\n\nJERRY\n(Pauses, thinking about what Kramer\njust said) Put it in.\n\nKRAMER\nYou won't regret it. (Jerry mutters\nsome more, Kramer rubs his hands together\nin anticipation, then starts dancing\naround with a reluctant Jerry) Jerry's\n\ngonna be a cable boy, a cable boy, a cable boy..\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Jerry enters carrying luggage. A group of nem in suits are waiting\nfor him)\n\nMAN\nMr. Steinfeld?\n\nJERRY\nSeinfeld.\n\nMAN\nWe're with the FBI. You wanna tell us\nabout your cable hook-up?\n\nJERRY\nMy cable hook-up? What about it?\n\nMAN\nIt's been illegally installed, Mr. Steinfeld.\n\nJERRY\nIt has? I've been out of town. How did\nyou know?\n\n(An agent leads Kramer out of the bedroom into the living room)\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, I had to tell them. I had to.\nI had no choice. They were onto the\nscam from the very beginning.\n\nMAN\nYou're in serious trouble, Mr. Steinfeld.\n\nJERRY\nWait a minute. Wait a minute, hold on!\nWe're just patsies. We're just a couple\nof users.. We never sold the stuff.\nWhat about the Russian guy? The Russian\n\nguy is the guy you want.\n\n(Tabachnick steps out of the bedroom. He's dressed like the other\nFBI men, and speaks without an accent now)\n\nTABACHNICK\nMr. Seinfeld, Agent Stone. FBI. Undercover.\n\n(Jerry looks around for an excape, then makes a mad dash for\nthe door)\n\nKRAMER\nNo! Jerry! (The FBI agents open fire.\nJerry's gunned down by a hailstorm of\nbullets. Kramer leans next to a fallen\nJerry, cupping Jerry's head in his\n\nhands) Cable boy, cable boy.. What have you done to my little\ncable boy?..\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Airplane)\n\n(Jerry shudders when looking back on his dream. A stewardess\napproaches)\n\nJERRY\nExcuse me. Can I get something to drink?\n\nSTEWARDESS\nI'm afraid not.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's with this airline? What are you,\ncutting out the drinks now?\n\nSTEWARDESS\nNo sir. We're flying into a blizzard.\nPlease fasten your seat belt. We're\nmaking an emergency landing.\n\nJERRY\n(Sarcastic) Are they gonna go over the\ninstructions again?\n\n(The passenger, Bill, next to him offers his hand)\n\nBILL\nMy name is Bill. I might be the last\nperson you ever see.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Night club)\n\nJERRY\nI'm not afraid of flying, although many\npeople do have fear of flying and, I\nhave no arguement with that. I think\nfear of flying is quite rational because,\nhuman\n\nbeings cannot fly. Humans have fear of flying same way fish have\nfear of driving. Put a fish behind the wheel, and they go, \"This\nisn't right. I shouldn't be doing this. I\n\ndon't belong here.\"\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(George's car)\n\n(George is driving while wearing an unzipped coat, and a sweater\nwith a bright red collar under it. Jerry's riding shotgun)\n\nGEORGE\nSounds like a rough trip.\n\nJERRY\nOh, fire engines, ambulances all along\nthe runway. And then, when we landed\nsafely, they all seemed so disappointed.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, the college cancelled the gig?\n\nJERRY\nWell, there was so much snow. The roads\nwere closed. I really appreciate it\n- you picking me up. Thanks again.\n\nGEORGE\n(Modestly) Forget it.\n\nJERRY\nNo, really.. an airport run.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's nothing.\n\nJERRY\nHey, it's one thing if I asked you \"Could\nyou do me a favor?\" ..But to suggest\nit?.. GEORGE: (Obviously up to something.\nJerry doesn't suspect anything -\n\nyet) Whey you told me what you went through on the plane, it\nmakes you stop and think. You appreciate having a real friend.\n\nJERRY\n(Joking) You know, if Richie Brandes\ndid this, I'd be suspicious, you know.\nHe's always got some ulterior motive.\n\nGEORGE\n(Laughs nervously) ..Ulterior motive.\n\nJERRY\nOh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don't\ntake the bridge.. Get off here. We can't\ngo back to my place, Elaine's having\nthe shower.\n\nGEORGE\n(Obviously knows that, but pretends\nhe doesn't) What, tonight? Now?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, yeah. I forgot all about it. Alright,\nit's no big deal. We'll just go back\nto your place.\n\nGEORGE\nMy place? NO, no, no. I hate my place.\nI don't wanna go back to my place.\n\nJERRY\nYou want to get a bite?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, I would. It's just, you know,\nI just ate a whole pot roast.\n\nJERRY\nWell, so what should we do?\n\nGEORGE\nShouldn't we at least drop off your\nbag?\n\n(Jerry's suddenly suspicious. He notices George's red collar,\nthen reaches over and pulls the sweater down)\n\nJERRY\nRed shirt! Red shirt! That's the red\nshirt!\n\nGEORGE\n(Nervous) What are you talking about?\n\nJERRY\nYou're wearing the chocolate shirt!\n\nGEORGE\nI am? What a strange coincidence..\n\nJERRY\nA - Ha! Nice try, my friend, but you\ngotta get up pretty early in the morning..\n\nGEORGE\n(Pleading) You gotta let me go over\nthere.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you gonna do? Badger a pregnant\nwoman at her own baby shower?! What\nare you, gonna take it off and make\nher rinse it in club soda?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I'm gonna hold it under her nose\nso she can smell the scent of stale\nBosco that I had to live with for three\nyears, and I'm gonna say, \"Remember\nthis\n\nshirt, baby?! Well, now, it's payback time!\"\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Leslie is talking to a group of people, including Elaine)\n\nLESLIE\nWe just bought an apartment on Riverside\nDrive. Bernard Goetz's mother used to\nlive there.\n\nELAINE\nSo, where's Todd?\n\nLESLIE\nUp in Hyannisport.\n\nELAINE\nOh my God, Hyannisport? With the Kennedys?\nWho else is up there? Is Rose up there?!\n\nWOMAN\n(To Leslie) So, when's your due date?\n\nLESLIE\nMarch twentieth, nine a.m.\n\nWOMAN\nYou know the time!\n\nLESLIE\nI'm having a planned C-section. My therapist\ntold me if I go through labor, I might\nget psychotic.\n\nELAINE\nLeslie, Leslie, whatever happened to\nSargent Shriver? Is he still with them?\nYou don't hear much about him these\ndays. Is he out of the loop?\n\nLESLIE\n(Takes a bite of food) Elaine, who catered\nthis, Sears?\n\n(Kramer bursts through the door, followed by Tabachnick and his\nassistant. Tabachnick looks over a woman, and nods approvingly.\nThe woman freeze at the sight,\n\nthen disperse nervously)\n\nELAINE\n(Whispering to Kramer) What is this?!\nWhat are you doing here?\n\nKRAMER\nWe're putting in cable.\n\nELAINE\nThe cable? No, no, no. I'm having a\nparty here. You can't do this now!\n\nKRAMER\nOh, we have to do this now.\n\n(Tabachnick and his assistant are leering at the women)\n\nELAINE\nWho's this guy?\n\nKRAMER\nWhich one?\n\nELAINE\nBoth of the them.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, they're Soviet Cable guys.\n\nELAINE\nOkay.. Does Jerry know about this?\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah.. it's all authorized, yeah.\n\nELAINE\nYou can't! You can't do this now!\n\nKRAMER\nElaine, do you know how booked up this\nguy is? Now, if I send him away now,\nit's gonna take Jerry months to get\nhim back.. He won't like that.\n\nELAINE\nAlright. Just do it fast and then get\nout.\n\nKRAMER\n(Snaps his fingers) Anatoly! (The Russians\nget to work on command. To Elaine) Look,\nit's gonna take a few minutes.. Then,\nyou and the gals can take a\n\nload off and watch something on Lifetime.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(George's car)\n\nJERRY\nAnd what if we go up there? What are\nyou going to say to her?\n\nGEORGE\n(Boiling) What am I going to say?!\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat did you go out with me for?! Just\nto dump chocolate on my shirt and then\njust dump me altogether?! I don't deserve\nthat kind of treatment! What,\n\nyou don't have the common courtesy to return my calls?! To apologize!\nYou think I'm some sort of a loser, that likes to be abused and\nignored?! Who's shirt can be\n\nruined without financial restitution?! Some sort of a masochist\nwho enjoys being humiliated? You think you can avoid me like\nI have some sort of disease?! You have\n\nthe disease! You have the disease! You may be beautiful and rich\nand physically .. just .. unbelievable, but you sicken me! You\ndisgust me! You and everyone like\n\nyou!\n\nJERRY\nYou'll never say that to her face.\n\nGEORGE\nWatch me.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nKRAMER\n(Flirting with a female guest) Yeah,\nI eat the whole apple. The core, stem,\nseeds, everything.\n\nELAINE\n(To Kramer) Kramer, Kramer, look at\nhim. (Gestures to Tabachnick) Look!\nHe's eating all the food!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah. Well, you know, there are\nmany differences between American and\nSoviet cultures that you're not aware\nof. See, in Russian, the cable guy,\n\nthey got the whole run of the house. Yeah, that's tradition.\n(Turns back to the woman) Did you ever eat the bark of a pineapple?\n\n(Tabachnick and his assistant start to argue, then they start\nfighting)\n\nELAINE\nKramer!\n\nKRAMER\n(Trying to break up the fight) Uh..\nExcuse me..\n\n(Everyone's watching the fight. Kramer breaks it up. Tabachnick\nwalks to the bathroom while his assistant returns to work. Tabachnick\nbangs on the door, and\n\nshouts in Russian. A woman finally gets out. Tabachnick gets\ninto the bathroom and slams the door shut. Jerry and George enter.\nElaine runs up to greet them)\n\nELAINE\nWhat are you doing here? I thought you\nwere out of town for the weekend.\n\nJERRY\nThe show was cancelled. There was a\nblizzard.\n\nELAINE\nI can't believe you told Kramer it's\nokay to put the cable in during the\nshower! Jerry, look,, look! They've\neaten everything.\n\n(Leslie approaches them)\n\nLESLIE\nJerry, what a surprise! I thought you\nsere out of town.\n\nJERRY\nWell, Leslie, sometimes the road less\ntravelled is less travelled for a reason.\n\nELAINE\n(Speaking confidentially to George)\nGeorge, don't even think about it! Don't\neven dream about it!\n\nGEORGE\n(Unconvincingly coy) About what?\n\nTABACHNICK\n(Sticks his head out the door) Kramer,\nKramer, Kramer..\n\n(Kramer rushes over, and quickly closes the bathroom door as\nTabachnick joins his assistant at the food table. George is ready\nfor Leslie - he takes off his sweater,\n\nrevealing the chocolate stain. He walks over to Leslie)\n\nGEORGE\nLeslie.\n\nLESLIE\nYeah?\n\nGEORGE\nGeorge.. (She doesn't seem to recognize\nhim) George Costanza.\n\nLESLIE\nHi.\n\nGEORGE\n(Laughs) You, I guess, you don't remember\nme.. but we actually, kind of um.. went\nout.. a couple of years ago.. once..\nremember?\n\nLESLIE\nVaguely.\n\nGEORGE\nYou took me to one of your shows..\n\nLESLIE\nAnd?\n\nGEORGE\nAnd, um, it was quite good. In fact,\nyou even incorporated me into the show.\nI'm not actually a performer. Although,\nmy parents felt I had talent..\n\n(Scene cuts to Jerry)\n\nMARY\nJerry?! (A woman, angry at Jerry, approaches\nhim. Jerry looks confused) Remember\nme?\n\nJERRY\nI'm sorry, I..\n\nMARY\n(Livid) Mary Contardi. No? Doesn't ring\na bell, Jerry? We had a date, three\nyears ago. You took me to one of your\nshows.\n\nJERRY\n(Stammering) Oh, I, I, think I remember..\n\nMARY\nTold me you had a great time! Said you'd\ncall me the next day.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I'm sure I meant to call.. I probably\njust lost your..\n\nMARY\nLiar! Liar! You were never going to\ncall me! You thought you could waltz\nthrought the rest of your life and never\nbump into me again! But you were wrong,\n\nJerry! You were wrong! What do you think, I'm some sort of poor,\npathetic wretch?!\n\nJERRY\nNo, I don't think that..\n\nMARRY\nSome person who could be dismissed and\nignored?! Some insignificant piece of\ndust?! Some person who doesn't deserve\nyour respect and your\n\nattention?! You're the one that doesn't deserve my respect and\nmy attention! You're the insignificant piece of dust!\n\n(She feigns, spitting on the floor near Jerry's shoes, and storms\nout. Scene cuts to George. Leslie's bored to death)\n\nGEORGE\nActually, I never had any formal training.\nI guess I'd be better suited for improvs,\nor something..\n\n(Mary runs for the door, pushing Leslie into George. Her chocolate\ncake is now all over George's shirt)\n\nLESLIE\nThanks a lot!\n\n(Scene cuts to the front door. Elaine is saying goodbye to a\nfew women who are rushing out the door)\n\nELAINE\nI'm sorry you have to go.\n\nWOMAN\nYeah. I really have to be going.\n\n(Scene cuts to Jerry. He notices the cable guys)\n\nJERRY\nAlright, listen, I've changed my mind\nabout this whole thing. I don't want\ncable.\n\nKRAMER\nDon't be a fool.\n\nTABACHNICK\nYou don't want?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I don't want. So, just tell me what\nI owe you for your trouble..\n\nTABACHNICK\n(Confers with his assistant, then) Four\nhundred dollars.\n\nJERRY\n(To Kramer) Four hundred dollars?1 You\ntold me one-fifty!\n\n(Scene cuts to Elaine by the door. Leslie has her coat on, and\nis ready to leave)\n\nLESLIE\nI'm going.. obviously.\n\nELAINE\nOh, Leslie, I am so sorry about everything\nthat went on here tonight. You know,\nI had no idea..\n\nLESLIE\nElaine, you know, I was watching you\ntonight, and I realized something. You're\njust like you were in college.\n\nELAINE\n(Not sure if it was an insult or a compliment)\nOh, thank you. (Leslie leaves. Then\nElaine wonders to herself) \"Like you\nwere in college\"?\n\nLESLIE\n(Comes back, and yells in the direction\nof the bedroom) Come on! Let's go!\n\n(George comes out from the bedroom, carrying all the shower gifts\n- embarrassed)\n\nGEORGE\n(Sheepishly to Elaine) I'll be right\nback. (Leaves)\n\nJERRY\n(Defiantly) I'm not paying four hundred\ndollars! I don't even want the thing.\nWhat are you going to do?!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Jerry's TV screen is cracked. George and Elaine are slumped\non chairs)\n\nGEORGE\nEvery woman on the face of the earth\nhas complete control of my life. And\nyet, I want them all.. is that irony?\n\nELAINE\nWhy can't I meet a Kennedy? ..I saw\nJohn Junior once downtown. I was on\na bus. I hit the ding, but.. it didn't\nstop.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, I said I had a good time and\nI'd call, but who takes that literally?\n\nKRAMER\n(Pops his head into Jerry's apartment)\nHey, come on over, Dr. Zhivago's on\ncable in five minutes.. I'm making popcorn!\n(Leaves)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Night club)\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you do at the end of a date\nwhen you know you don't want to see\nthis person ever again, for the rest\nof your life? What do you say? What\ndo you\n\nsay? No matter what you say, it's a lie. \"I'll see you around.\nSee you around. If you're around, and I'm around, I'll see you\naround that area. You'll be around other\n\npeople. You won't be around me. But you will be around.\" \"Take\ncare now.\" Did you ever say that to somebody? \"Take care now.\nTake care, now. Because, I'm\n\nnot going to be taking care of you. So, you should take care,\nnow.\" \"Take care. Take care.\" What does this mean? \"Take off!\"\nIsn't that what you really want to say?\n\n\"Take off now.\"\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Chinese-Restaurant.html",
    "text": "THE CHINESE RESTAURANT\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David & Jerry Seinfeld\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\n(A couple of days ago I used a public\nphone), go over time on the call,\n\nhang up the phone, walk away. You've had this happen? Phone rings.\nIt's the\n\nphone company... they want more money. Don't you love this? And\nyou got them\n\nright where you want them for the first time in your life. You're\non the\n\nstreet, there's nothing they can do. I like to let it ring a\nfew times, you\n\nknow, let her sweat a little over there, then I just pick it\nup, \"Yeah,\n\noperator... oh, I got the money... I got the money right here...\nD'you hear\n\nthat? (taps on microphone) That's a quarter. Yeah, you want that\ndon't you?\"\n\n(Jerry, Elaine & George enter the Chinese restaurant)\n\nELAINE\nNo, they've just got to get more cops\non the force, it's as simple as\n\nthat.\n\nGEORGE\nCops. I don't even care about cops.\nI wanna see more garbage men. It's\n\nmuch more important. All I wanna see are garbage trucks, garbage\ncans and\n\ngarbage men. You're never gonna stop crime, we should at least\nbe clean.\n\nJERRY\nI tell you what they should do, they\nshould combine the two jobs, make\n\nit one job, 'cop\\garbage man'. I always see cops walking around\nwith nothing to\n\ndo. Grab a broom! Start sweeping. You sweep sweep sweep... catch\na criminal, get\n\nright back to sweeping.\n\nELAINE\nYou should run for mayor.\n\nJERRY\nEhh, nobody listens.\n\nELAINE\nWhere is someone? I'm starving.\n\nGEORGE\nI think this is him right here.\n\nELAINE\nIs there a table ready?\n\nRESTAURANT MANAGER\nHow many?\n\nELAINE\nHow many?\n\nJERRY\nIs Tatiana coming?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know, I have to call her, tell\nher where we are. I'm very\n\nlucky she's even considering seeing me at all.\n\nJERRY\nReally? I thought things were going\nOK.\n\nGEORGE\nThey were, it's kinda complicated.\n\nJERRY\nWell what is it?\n\nELAINE\nHow many?\n\nJERRY\nAh, alright, four. Seinfeld.\n\nBRUCE\nFour. It'll be five, ten minutes.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat do you wanna do?\n\nELAINE\nLet's go someplace else, I am too hungry.\n\nJERRY\nWe might as well just stay here, we\nhaven't got that much time if we\n\nwanna make it to the movie.\n\nGEORGE\nI gotta call Tatiana. where's the phone?\n\nJERRY\nTatiana...\n\n(George goes over to the public phone. There's a guy using it)\n\nGEORGE\nExcuse me, are you gonna be very long?\n\n(guy on phone just turns the other way without answering)\n\nBRUCE\nLashbrook(sp?), 4!\n\nJERRY\nSo did I do a terrible thing?\n\nELAINE\nYou mean lying to your uncle?\n\nJERRY\nI couldn't have dinner with him. 'Plan\n9 from Outer Space', one night\n\nonly, the big screen. My hands are tied!\n\nGEORGE\nYou know it's a public phone, you're\nnot supposed to just\n\nchit-chat.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, get menus so when we sit down\nwe can order right away.\n\nJERRY\nCan't look at a menu now, I gotta be\nat the table.\n\nGEORGE\nHe knows I'm waiting. He sees me. He\njust doesn't wanna look.\n\nELAINE\nEverything's gotta be just so with you,\ndoesn't it?\n\nJERRY\nHey, I offered you those cookies in\nmy house.\n\nELAINE\nHealth cookies. I hate those little\ndustboard fructose things.\n\nGEORGE\nI just can't believe at the way people\nare. What is it with humanity?\n\nWhat kind of a world do we live in?\n\n(Jerry stares at someone)\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nThere's a woman over there that looks\nreally familiar. Dark hair,\n\nstriped shirt?\n\nELAINE\nI've never seen her before.\n\nJERRY\nI know this woman. This is gonna drive\nme crazy.\n\n(a group of people comes in, one of them bumps into Elaine)\n\nMAN\nOh, Excuse me.\n\nELAINE\nI'm sorry.\n\n(the group just walks right into the dining room)\n\nELAINE\nDidja see that? Those people, look,\nthey're getting a table.\n\nJERRY\nWell maybe they were here from before.\n\nELAINE\nNo no no, they weren't here before.\n\nGEORGE\nExcuse me, are you going to be much\nlonger? I have to make a\n\nvery important call.\n\n(guy on phone turns away again)\n\nELAINE\nFind out what's going on!\n\nJERRY\nExcuse me, didn't those people just\ncome in? I believe we were ahead of\n\nthem.\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nBRUCE\nWhat's your name?\n\nJERRY\nSeinfeld.\n\n(Bruce starts talking to a Chinese woman in Chinese)\n\nBRUCE\nNo, no, they were here before. Keckitch(sp?),\n2!\n\nELAINE\nDid you ever notice how happy people\nare when they finally get a table?\n\nThey think they're so special because they've been chosen. It's\nenough to make\n\nyou sick.\n\nJERRY\nBoy, you are really hungry.\n\nGEORGE\nHey!\n\n(guy on phone smiles at him and turns back. George, annoyed,\ngoes over to Jerry)\n\nGEORGE\nIf anything happens here, can I count\non you?\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nIf we decide to go at it.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I wanna get into a rumble...\n\nGEORGE\nI have to get in touch with Tatiana!\nAnd look at his little outfit.\n\nIt's all so coordinated, the way his socks matching to his shirt.\nI really hate\n\nthis guy.\n\nELAINE\nI'm gonna faint...\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, who is that woman in the stripes?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know her.\n\nJERRY\nShe looks so familiar.\n\nELAINE\nYa know, its not fair people are seated\nFirst Come First Served, It\n\nshould be based on who's hungriest. I feel like just going over\nthere and\n\ntaking some food off somebody's plate.\n\nJERRY\nI'll tell you what, there's 50 bucks\nin it for you if you do it.\n\nELAINE\nWhat do you mean?\n\nJERRY\nYou walk over that table, you pick up\nan eggroll, you don't say\n\nanything, you eat it, say 'thank you very much', wipe your mouth,\nwalk away- I\n\ngive you 50 bucks.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are they gonna do?\n\nJERRY\nThey won't do anything; in fact, you'll\nbe giving them a story to tell\n\nfor the rest of their lives.\n\nELAINE\n50 bucks, you'll give me 50 bucks?\n\nJERRY\n50 bucks. That table over there, the\nthree couples.\n\nELAINE\nOK, I don't wanna go over there and\ndo it, and then come back here and\n\nfind out there was some little loophole, like I didn't put mustard\non it or\n\nsomething...\n\nJERRY\nNo, no tricks.\n\nELAINE\nShould I do it, George?\n\nGEORGE\nFor 50 bucks? I'd put my face in the\nsoup and blow.\n\nELAINE\nAlright, alright. Here, hold this. I'm\ndoin' it.\n\n(Elaine goes over to the table, smiling)\n\nELAINE\nI know this sounds crazy, but the two\nmen who are\n\nstanding behind me are going to give me 50 bucks if I stand here\nand eat one of\n\nyour eggrolls.\n\n(the people at the table are confused)\n\nELAINE\nI'll give you 25 if you let me do it.\n\nPEOPLE AT TABLE\nWhat? What is she talking about? What\ndid she say?\n\n(Elaine runs from the table, laughing)\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened?\n\nELAINE\nDid you see that?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat were you doing?\n\nELAINE\nI offered them 25, they had no idea...\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, the phone's free.\n\nGEORGE\nAlleluia.\n\n(as George reaches for the phone, a woman snatches it and starts\ndialing)\n\nGEORGE\nExcuse me, I was waiting here.\n\nWOMAN AT PHONE\nWhere? I didn't see you.\n\nGEORGE\nI've been standing here for the last\nten minutes!\n\nWOMAN\nWell I won't be long.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's not the point. The point is I\nwas here first.\n\nWOMAN\nWell if you were here first, you'd be\nholding the phone.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, we're living in a society!\nWe're supposed\n\nto act in a civilized way.\n\n(he goes over to Jerry and Elaine)\n\nGEORGE\nDoes she care? No. Does anyone ever\ndisplay the slightest sensitivity\n\nover the problems of a fellow individual? No. No. A resounding\nno!\n\n(guy on phone approaches George)\n\nGUY\nHey, sorry I took so long.\n\nGEORGE\nOh that's OK, really, don't worry about\nit.\n\nELAINE\nHow do people fast? Did Ghandi get this\ncrazy? I'm gonna walk around,\n\nsee what dishes look good.\n\nJERRY\nI told my uncle I had a stomach ache\ntonight. You think he bought that?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, well, he probably bought it.\n\nJERRY\nSo what happened with Tatiana?\n\nGEORGE\nI shouldn't even tell you this.\n\nJERRY\nCome on...\n\nGEORGE\nWell, after dinner last week, she invites\nme back to her apartment.\n\nJERRY\nI'm with you.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, it's this little place with this\nlittle bathroom. It's like\n\nright there, you know, it's not even down a little hall or off\nin an alcove.\n\nYou understand? There's no... buffer zone. So, we start to fool\naround, and\n\nit's the first time, and it's early in the going. And I begin\nto perceive this\n\nimpending... intestinal requirement, whose needs are going to\nsurpass by great\n\nlengths anything in the sexual realm. So I know I'm gonna have\nto stop. And as\n\nthis is happening I'm thinking, even if I can somehow manage\nto momentarily...\n\nextricate myself from the proceedings and relieve this unstoppable\nforce, I know\n\nthat that bathroom is not gonna provide me with the privacy that\nI know I'm\n\ngoing to need...\n\nJERRY\nThis could only happen to you.\n\nGEORGE\nSo I finally stop and say, \"Tatiana,\nI hope you don't take this the\n\nwrong way, but I think it would be best if I left\".\n\nJERRY\nYou said this to her after.\n\nGEORGE\nNo. During.\n\nJERRY\nOh, boy.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nWow! So...?\n\nGEORGE\nSo I'm dressing and she's staring up\nat me, struggling to compute this\n\nunprecedented turn of events. I don't know what to say to reassure\nthis woman,\n\nand worst of all, I don't have the time to say it. The only excuse\nshe might\n\npossibly have accepted is if I told her I am in reality Batman,\nand I'm very\n\nsorry, I just saw the Bat-Signal. It took me 3 days of phone\ncalls to get her\n\nto agree to see me again. Now she's waiting for me to call her,\nand she's\n\n(gestures towards woman on phone) still on the phone.\n\n(Elaine comes over)\n\nELAINE\nI hate this place. I don't know why\nwe came here, I'm never coming back\n\nhere again.\n\nJERRY\nWho is that woman?!\n\nELAINE\nRemember when you first went out to\neat with your parents? Remember,\n\nit was such a treat to go and they serve you this different food\nthat you never\n\nsaw before, and they put it in front of you, and it is such a\ndelicious and\n\nexciting adventure? And now I just feel like a big sweaty hog\nwaiting for them\n\nto fill up the trough.\n\nGEORGE\nShe's off. (goes over to the now available\npublic phone)\n\nELAINE\nJerry, talk to that guy again.\n\nJERRY\nWhat am I gonna say?\n\nELAINE\nTell him we wanna catch a movie and\nthat we're late.\n\n(as Jerry approaches Bruce, a man walks in)\n\nMR. COHEN\nHey, what stinks in here?\n\nBRUCE\nMr. Cohen! Haven't seen you for a couple\nof weeks.\n\nMR. COHEN\nWell, I've been looking for a better\nplace.\n\n(Bruce laughs)\n\nBRUCE\nBetter place... Want a table?\n\nMR. COHEN\nNo, just bring me a plate and I'll eat\nhere.\n\nBRUCE\nGive him a plate and you eat here...\nCome on, I give you a\n\ntable.\n\nJERRY\nExcuse me... we've been waiting here.\nNow, I KNOW we were ahead of that\n\nguy, he just came in.\n\nBRUCE\nOh no, Mr. Cohen always here.\n\nELAINE\nHe's always here? What does that mean?\nWhat does that mean?\n\nBRUCE\nOh, Mr. Cohen, very nice man. He live\non Park Avenue.\n\nELAINE\nWhere am I? Is this a dream? What in\nGod's name is going on here?!\n\nGEORGE\nShe's not there. She left. She must've\nwaited and left because those\n\npeople wouldn't get off the phone.\n\nJERRY\nDidja leave a message?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, I told her to call me here and\nto tell anyone who answers the\n\nphone to ask for a balding, stocky man with glasses. I better\ntell him I'm\n\nexpecting a call.\n\nELAINE\nOh, Jerry, here comes that woman...\n\nJERRY\nWhere do I know her?\n\n(woman in stripes approaches Jerry)\n\nLORRAINE\nHello, Jerry!\n\nJERRY\nHeeeeyyyy... How you doin'?\n\nLORRAINE\nHow is everything?\n\nJERRY\nGood, good, good... What's goin' on?\n\nLORRAINE\nOh, working hard. And you?\n\nJERRY\nOh, you know, working around, same stuff,\ndoing... whatever.\n\nLORRAINE\nYou haven't been around in a while.\n\nJERRY\nI know, I know... Well, you know.\n\nLORRAINE\nYou should come by.\n\nJERRY\nDefinitely. I plan to, I'm not just\nsaying that.\n\nELAINE\nHi, I'm Elaine.\n\nLORRAINE\nLorraine. Catalano.\n\nJERRY\nI'm sorry, Lorraine, this is Elaine...\n\n(They all laugh, then silent)\n\nLORRAINE\nWell it was nice seeing you, Jerry.\nAnd nice meeting you. (she\n\nleaves)\n\nELAINE\nOh, nice to meet you too, Lorraine!\n\nJERRY\nOh my god, Lorraine... that's Lorraine\nfrom my uncle's office. I'm in\n\nbig, big trouble.\n\nELAINE\nThe one you broke the plans with tonight?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, she works in his office. Now she's\ngonna see him tomorrow and\n\ntell him she saw me here tonight. He's gonna tell his wife, his\nwife's gonna\n\ncall my mother. Oh, this is bad, you don't know, the chain reaction\nof calls\n\nthis is gonna set off. New York, Long Island, Florida, it's like\nthe Bermuda\n\nTriangle. Unfortunately, nobody ever disappears. My uncle to\nmy aunt, my aunt\n\nto my mother, my mother to my uncle...\n\nJERRY\n...My uncle to my cousin, my cousin\nto my sister, my sister to me.\n\nELAINE\nYou should've just had dinner with your\nuncle tonight and gotten in\n\nover with. It's just a movie.\n\nJERRY\nJust a movie?! You don't understand.\nThis isn't 'Plans 1 through 8\n\nfrom Outer Space', this is 'Plan 9', this is the one that worked.\nThe worst\n\nmovie ever made!\n\n(Elaine nods)\n\nJERRY\nHey, I got news for you, if we're making\nthis movie, we gotta get a\n\ntable immediately.\n\nELAINE\nAlright, OK. Let's stop fooling around.\nLet's just slip him some\n\nmoney.\n\nJERRY\nIn a Chinese restaurant? Do they take\nmoney?\n\nELAINE\nDo they take money? Everyone takes money.\nI used to go out with a guy\n\nwho did it all the time, you just slip him 20 bucks.\n\nGEORGE\n20 bucks? Isn't that excessive?\n\nELAINE\nWell what do you want to give him, change?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's more than the meal!\n\nJERRY\nOh, come on, We'll divide it up three\nways.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright. 7,7, (points at himself) 6.\nI'm not gonna eat that much!\n\nJERRY\nI'm counting your shrimps. OK, Who's\ngonna do it?\n\nGEORGE\nOh no, I can't do it. I-I'm not good\nat these things, I get flustered.\n\nOnce I tried to bribe an usher at the roller derby, I almost\ngot arrested.\n\nELAINE\nI guess it's you, Jer.\n\nJERRY\nMe? What about you?\n\nELAINE\nOh, I can't do that, it's a guy thing.\n\nJERRY\nThe woman's movement just can't seem\nto make any progress in the world\n\nof bribery, can they?\n\nELAINE\nGive me the money.\n\n(Elaine stands close to Bruce, trying to get his attention)\n\nELAINE\nHow's it going'?\n\nBRUCE\nVery busy.\n\n(Elaine holds the money in front of Bruce)\n\nELAINE\nBoy, we are REALLY anxious to sit down.\n\nBRUCE\nVery good specials tonight.\n\n(Elaine puts the bill on the open reservations book)\n\nELAINE\nIf there's anything you can do to get\nus a table we'd really appreciate\n\nit.\n\nBRUCE\nWhat is your name? (he turns the page\nover the money)\n\nELAINE\nNo no, I want to eat now! (she gets\nthe money from under the page)\n\nBRUCE\nYes, we have sea-bass dinner tonight,\nvery fresh.\n\nELAINE\nHere, take this. I'm starving. Take\nit! Take\n\nit!\n\n(Bruce shrugs and takes it)\n\nBRUCE\nDennison, 4! (goes over to 4 ladies)\nYour table is ready.\n\nELAINE\nNo no, no, I want that table. I want\nthat table! Oh, come on, did you\n\nsee that? What was that? He took the money, he didn't give us\na table.\n\nJERRY\nYou lost the 20.\n\nELAINE\nWell, how could he do that?\n\nGEORGE\nYou didn't make it clear.\n\nELAINE\nMake it clear?\n\nJERRY\nWhat a sorry exhibition that was. Alright,\nlet me get the money back.\n\n(goes over to Bruce) Excuse me. I realize, this is extremely\nembarrassing, my\n\nfriend here apparently made a mistake.\n\nBRUCE\nYour name?\n\nJERRY\nSeinfeld.\n\nBRUCE\nYeah, Seinfeld 4!\n\nJERRY\nNo no no, you see the girl there, with\nthe long hair?\n\n(Elaine waves at him, smiling)\n\nBRUCE\nOh yes, yes. Very beautiful girl, very\nbeautiful. Is your girlfriend?\n\nJERRY\nWell, actually, we did date for a while,\nbut... it's really not relevant\n\nhere.\n\nBRUCE\nRelationships are difficult. It's very\nhard to stay together-\n\nJERRY\nAlright, listen, alright. How much longer\nis it gonna be?\n\nBRUCE\nOh. In about five, ten minutes.\n\n(Jerry goes over to Elaine and George)\n\nGEORGE\nSo?\n\nJERRY\nThere seems to be a bit of a discrepancy.\n\nELAINE\nSo when are we gonna eat?\n\nJERRY\nFive, ten minutes.\n\nGEORGE\nWe should have left earlier. I told\nyou.\n\nJERRY\nI don't see any way we can eat and make\nthis movie.\n\nELAINE\nOh, well I have to eat.\n\nJERRY\nWell let's just order to go, we'll eat\nit in the cab.\n\nELAINE\nEat it in the cab? Chinese food in a\ncab?\n\nJERRY\nWe'll eat it in the movie.\n\nELAINE\nOh, who do you think you're going? Do\nyou think that they have big\n\npicnic tables there?\n\nJERRY\nWell what do you suggest?\n\nELAINE\nI say we leave now, we go to 'Skyburger'\nand we scarf 'em down.\n\nJERRY\nI'm not going to 'Skyburger'. Besides,\nit's in the opposite direction,\n\nlet's just eat popcorn or something.\n\nBRUCE\nCartwright?\n\nELAINE\nI can't have popcorn for dinner!\n\nBRUCE\nCartwright?\n\nELAINE\nI have to eat!\n\nJERRY\nSo they have hotdogs there.\n\nELAINE\nOh, movie hotdogs! I rather lick the\nfood off the floor.\n\nGEORGE\nI can't go anywhere, I have to wait\nhere for Tatiana's call. Let me\n\njust check.\n\n(goes over to Bruce)\n\nGEORGE\nExcuse me, I'm expecting a call. Costanza?\n\nBRUCE\nYeah, I just got a call. I yell 'Cartwright!\nCartwright!', just like\n\nthat. Nobody came up, I hang up.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, was it for Costanza or...\n\nBRUCE\nYes, yes, that's it. Nobody answered.\n\nGEORGE\nWell was it a woman?\n\nBRUCE\nYeah, yeah. I tell her you not here,\nshe said curse word, I hang up.\n\n(George comes over to Jerry and Elaine, stunned)\n\nGEORGE\nShe called. He yelled Cartwright. I\nmissed her.\n\nJERRY\nWho's Cartwright?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm Cartwright!\n\nJERRY\nYou're not Cartwri-\n\nGEORGE\nOf course I'm not Cartwright! Look,\nwhy don't you two just go to the\n\nmovies all by yourselves, I'm not in the mood.\n\nELAINE\nWell me neither, I'm goin' to 'Skyburger'.\n\nJERRY\nSo You're not going?\n\nELAINE\nYou don't need us.\n\nJERRY\nWell I can't go to a bad movie by myself.\nWho am I gonna make sarcastic\n\nremarks to, strangers? Eh, I guess I'll just go to my uncle's.\n\nGEORGE\nShould we tell him we're leaving?\n\nELAINE\nWhat for? Let's just get out of here.\n\n(they all leave)\n\nBRUCE\nSeinfeld, 4?\n\n(closing monologue)\n\nJERRY\nHunger will make people do amazing things.\nI mean, the proof of that is\ncannibalism. Cannibalism, what do they say, I mean, they're eating\nand, you\nknow, \"This is good, who is this? I like this person\". You know,\nI mean, I\nwould think the hardest thing about being a cannibal is trying\nto get some very\ndeep sleep, you know what I mean? I would think, you'd be like,\n(pretending to\nwake up) \"Who is that? Who's there? Who's there? Is somebody\nthere? What do\nyou want? What do you want? You look hungry, are you hungry?\nGet out of here!\"\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Busboy.html",
    "text": "THE BUSBOY\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David & Jerry Seinfeld\n\n(Night club)\n\nJERRY\nI'm not a foodie. I don't, \"Oh, this\nis too rare. Oh, it's too salty.\" Just\neat it and shut up. I'll eat anywhere,\nwhatever they're having. I have eaten\nrotten rolls\n\noff of room service trays in hotel hallways. I have. It's not\na joke. This is my life. I don't know, somebody left it. Why\nwould someone poison a roll, and leave it in a\n\nhallway for some comic coming down at two o' clock in the morning?\nWhy would they do that? Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant,\nthey put the check in a little\n\nbook. What is this? The story of the bill? \"Once upon a time,\nthere were some very hungry people..\" What is this? A little\ngold tassle hanging down? Am I graduating\n\nfrom the restaurant? What is this about?\n\n(A restaurant)\n\n(Jerry, George, and Elaine are all eating at an Italian restaurant.\nGeorge hasn't eaten anything)\n\nELAINE\nDo you want some of mine?\n\nJERRY\nTake some of mine.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy do I get pesto? Why do I think I'll\nlike it? I keep trying to like it, like\nI have to like it.\n\nJERRY\nWho said you have to like it?\n\nGEORGE\nEverybody likes pesto. You walk into\na restaurant, that's all you hear -\npesto, pesto, pesto.\n\nJERRY\nI don't like pesto.\n\nGEORGE\nWhere was pesto 10 years ago?\n\nJERRY\n(Gesturing to a man) Look at that guy.\n(Elaine starts to look, but Jerry stops\nher) I'll bet you he's gettin' hair\ntransplants. Any time you see a guy\nthat age\n\nwearing a baseball cap, ten to one - plugs.\n\nELAINE\n(Elaine turns to look at the man, trying\nto make it sound like they aren't talking\nabout him) The thing about that painting..\nis with the colors and um.. (Turns\n\nback to Jerry) Oh yeah, plugola.\n\n(George has started eating Elaine's food - and continues to do\nso)\n\nJERRY\n(To Elaine) Oh, one more thing about\nthe car. Let it warm up for a minute.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's a tough minute. It's like waiting\nin the shower for the conditioner to\nwork.\n\nJERRY\nI don't understand why he couldn't take\na cab.\n\nGEORGE\nWho?\n\nJERRY\nElaine is having a \"houseguest.\" She's\npicking him up at the airport tonight.\n\nGEORGE\nA guy?\n\nELAINE\n(Slightly embarrassed) Yes, a guy.\n\nJERRY\nHe's from a.. Yakima, right?\n\nELAINE\nSeattle.\n\nJERRY\nEverybody's moving to Seattle.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's the pesto of cities. So..?\n\nELAINE\n(To Jerry) You tell him.\n\nJERRY\nWell, from what I can piece together,\nour friend here met a gentleman.\n\nELAINE\nEd.\n\nJERRY\nWho was in town on a business venture,\nand um..\n\nELAINE\n..We shared an interpersonal experience.\n(George hits his glass with his fork.\nTo Jerry) Go on.\n\nJERRY\nSo they went out a few times, but apparently,\nwhen the fellow returned home, he discovered\nthat the Benes tattoo does not wash\noff so easily.\n\nELAINE\nOn some people.\n\nGEORGE\nOooh.\n\nJERRY\nSo, he's coming in to stay with her\nfor a week.\n\nELAINE\nIt was just gonna be a weekend, but\nthen somehow it became a week.\n\n(The menu at a neighboring table catches fire. Elaine quickly\npicks up a wine glass - about to put it out, but George tosses\nthe menu on the floor, and stomps it out.\n\nThe manager approaches)\n\nMANAGER\nWhat happened?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, the busboy left the menu a little\nclose to the candle.\n\nMANAGER\nSorry to the disturbance.\n\nELAINE\n(Joking, she snobbishly says) I'm never\neating here again.\n\n(Manager leaves)\n\nJERRY\n(Pats George on the back) Nice going.\nThank you, that ought to get us a free\ndessert.. (They can see the manager\nchewing the busboy out from the dining\n\nroom doorway) I think the busboy's in trouble.\n\nGEORGE\nDid I get him in trouble? Because of\nwhat I said?! I just told him what happened..\nhe didn't do it on purpose.. (Mangager\nand busboy are arguing. The\n\nbusboy points in the direction of George) He pointed at me. Why\ndid he point at me?!\n\nELAINE\nI said I would never eat here again..\nBut, I, I.. he had to know I was kidding.\n\nJERRY\n(Casually buttering a roll, like he's\nthe innocent one) I didn't say anything.\n\n(The busboy takes of his apron, throws it down, and exits the\nrestaurant)\n\nGEORGE\nI can't believe it. He's going! He's\nfired!\n\nELAINE\nOh, I said it in a kidding way.\n\nGEORGE\nI didn't know he'd get fired.\n\nJERRY\n(Jokingly trying to put more pressure\non Elaine and George) He'll probably\nkill his family over this.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat if he's waiting for me outside?\nHe pointed at me! Did you see him point?!\n\nJERRY\n(Again, joking) A lot of ex-cons become\nbusboys. They seem to gravitate twards\n'em.\n\nGEORGE\nWas it my fault?\n\nELAINE\nWas it my fault?\n\nJERRY\n(Doesn't have a care in the world) ..Maybe\nI'll try that pesto.\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nJERRY\nLook, I feel bad for him too, but he'll\nget another job. I mean, let's face\nit, it's not a profession where you\nembellish your resume and undergo a\nseries of\n\ngrueling interviews.\n\nGEORGE\n(Eating a sandwich) Oh, like you really\nknow busboys.\n\nJERRY\nOh, like you do.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, at least I was a camp waiter.\n\nJERRY\n(Scoffing) Camp.\n\nGEORGE\nIt was a fat camp. Those kids depended\non me.\n\n(The intercom buzzes, Jerry talks through it)\n\nJERRY\nElaine?\n\nELAINE\n(Through intercom) Yeah.\n\n(Jerry pushes a button on the intercom - letting her in)\n\nJERRY\nBusboys are always changing jobs. That's\nthe business. I know. I work with these\nguys. I tallk to them in the kitchen\nat the comedy clubs.\n\nGEORGE\nThen why don't you try and get him another\njob?\n\nJERRY\nI'd love to, but I don't know anything\nabout him. He could be one of those\npeople that walks around the street\npricking people with pins.\n\n(Elaine enters)\n\nELAINE\nI don't know if you people are aware\nof this, but I am one clever chickadee.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat? Did you get the busboy's number?\n\nELAINE\nHis phone's been disconnected, but I\nwas able to obtain an address - 1324\nAmsterdam Avenue, apartment 4D. (Hands\nGeorge a card) Now, I did my\n\njob. (To Jerry) May I have the car keys, please?\n\n(Jerry hands the car keys to Elaine)\n\nGEORGE\nHow did you get all this?\n\nELAINE\nDoes the word \"charm\" mean anything\nto you?\n\nJERRY\nNo. (George grabs his jacket) So now\nyou're going to his apartment? I really\nthink this is nuts.\n\nGEORGE\n(Putting his jacket on) I'd like to\napologize. I want to tell him I.. I..\ndidn't mean to get him in trouble.\n\nJERRY\nYou, you're going now?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, I want to see if there's anything\nI can do.. maybe get him another job..\nmaybe I'll hear of something.\n\nJERRY\nMaybe the fat camp. (To Elaine) You're\nnot going?\n\nELAINE\nI would, but I have to pick up Ed at\nthe airport.\n\nJERRY\nI just don't think you should go alone.\nCan't you wait till after my set?\n\nGEORGE\nIt'll take to long.\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nJERRY\nTake the K-man. A little support..\n\nGEORGE\n(Unsure) I don't a..\n\nKRAMER\nTake me where? Where?\n\n(An apartment building hallway)\n\n(George's nervous - standing with Kramer infront of the busboy's\napartment)\n\nGEORGE\nLook, I really appreciate your coming,\nbut if you wouldn't mind - try not to\nsay too much.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat am I gonna say?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I'm not an idiot.\n\nGEORGE\nCertainly not.\n\nKRAMER\nThen we're cool.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.. yeah, we're - we're cool. (Knocks\nlightly. Kramer takes charge by knocking\non the door louder. The busboy answers)\nUh, I'm sorry to bother\n\nyou, I was in the restaurant earlier and I was wondering if I\ncould talk to you for a few minutes about what happened. (He\ngestures for them to come in. They obey)\n\nI hope I'm not interrupting anything. It's just that I think\nI may have - without realizing it - been responsible for getting\nyou fired. (Nervously laughs) And.. and.. and I\n\njust want you to know that I didn't intend for that to happen.\n\nKRAMER\n(Patting George on the shoulder) He's\na hell of a guy.\n\nGEORGE\nThis is a guy I know.. Kramer.\n\n(Antonio, the busboy, is watching them suspiciously)\n\nKRAMER\n\u00bfHabla espanol?\n\nGEORGE\n(To himself) Oh my God.\n\nANTONIO\nSi.\n\nKRAMER\n\u00bfComo se dice.. waterbed?\n\nGEORGE\n(Interrupting) Anyway, I just wanted\nto let you know I'm really sorry that\nhappened, and if I can help out in any\nway, I'll certainly be glad to do that.\n\n(Pause) Well, I guess that's about it.\n\nKRAMER\nYou got anything to drink? \u00bfAgua?\n\nGEORGE\nOy uy uy.. (Antonio points to the sink)\nWe really should get going.\n\nKRAMER\nLet me get a glass of water. (Heads\ntward the sink)\n\nGEORGE\nHurry up.\n\nANTONIO\n(Notices that his cat is missing) Pequita?\nPequita? (Starts to panic)\n\nKRAMER\nHis cat's gone.\n\nANTONIO\n(Notes the door was left wide open)\nLa puerta esta abierta. (Starts screaming)\nLa puerta esta abierta! (To Kramer and\nGeorge) Who left the door\n\nopen? (Silence) Who left the door open?! (Kramer and George look\nat eachother) Come on, come on! Help me look! (All three head\nout the door to look)\n\n(Antonio's apartment)\n\n(All three sit in silence)\n\nKRAMER\n..You know, cats run away all the time.\nYou know, my aunt, she had a cat. Ran\naway. Showed up three years later..\nyou never know. They got things in\n\ntheir brains where they remember where they're from. Unless,\nof course, somebody else starts feeding him. See, that's what\nyou gotta worry about.\n\nGEORGE\n(Gestures for Kramer to shut up) Once\nagain, Antonio, I can't even begin to\nsay how deeply, deeply sorry I am about\neverything. The job, the cat.. (A\n\nlamp breaks) the lamp.\n\nKRAMER\nThe wire was sticking out.. (Fits the\ntwo broken pieces together) Yeah.\n\nGEORGE\n(Hands Antonio a card) Here's my card.\nI'm in real estate, so, if you're ever\nlooking for something bigger, something\nnicer.. (Antonio is staring at him,\n\nangered) ..maybe not right now. Anyway.. (Extends his hand for\na handshake. Antonio doesn't move)\n\nKRAMER\nYou oughta get that wire fixed. (They\ngo to leave) I got the door. (Shuts\nthe door, the broken lamp falls to the\nfloor)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nJERRY\n(On the phone) George, stop worrying\nabout this guy. It wasn't your fault..\nCome on, he's not stalking you.\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\n(To Kramer) Hey. (To George) He doesn't\neven know where you live.. Who told\nyou to give him your business card?..\n(Intercom buzzes) That's Elaine.\n\n(Kramer buzzes her in. Jerry talks into the phone) Kramer.. (To\nKramer) George wants to know when you want to look for the cat\nagain.\n\nKRAMER\nIt's been a week. It's up to the cat\nnow.\n\nJERRY\n(Into phone) Kramer says it's up to\nthe cat now. (To Kramer) It'll be on\nyour conscience.\n\nKRAMER\nOh? How do you figure?\n\nJERRY\n(Into phone) How do you figure? (To\nKramer) 'Cause you're the one who left\nthe door open.\n\nKRAMER\nWhy was I in charge of closing the door?\n\nJERRY\n(Into phone) Why was he in charge of\nclosing the door? (Irritated at the\nphone message relay, to Kramer) 'Cause\nyou came in after him!\n\nKRAMER\nSo!\n\nJERRY\n(Into phone) So! (To Kramer - getting\neven more angry) So, the last person\nin should close the door!\n\nKRAMER\nLet me talk to him.\n\nJERRY\n(To Kramer) Talk - call him from your\nhouse. (Elaine enters. Kramer leaves.\nTo phone) He's calling you now.. okay.\n(Hangs up)\n\nELAINE\nEd's downstairs. CAn I have the car\nkeys?\n\n(Jerry pitches her the keys as she goes some tward his bathroom)\n\nJERRY\nNo hello?\n\nELAINE\nGot any asprin? (Finds some) Hello.\nNow, lookit, you guarantee this car\nwill get me to the airport tomarrow?\nNo problems?\n\nJERRY\nGuarantee? ..Hey, it's a car.\n\nELAINE\nBecause if there's even the slightest\nchance of any problem at all, I don't\nwant to take it - because if I don't\nget this guy on a plane to Seattle and\nout of my\n\nlife, I'm gonna kill him, and everyone who tries to stop me.\n\nJERRY\n(Jokingly asking) So, did you have a\nnice week together?\n\nELAINE\nI heard a little ping in the car last\ntime. What was that ping?\n\nJERRY\nThere's no ping. Why are you so wacky?\n\nELAINE\nJerry, you cannot imagine how much I\nhate this guy.. and he hasn't even done\nanything! It's the situation. He's a\nwonderful guy, but I hate his guts!\n\nJERRY\nSo, you two been, uh..\n\nELAIEN\nNo! I told him I've been having my period\nfor the last five days! I'm sleeping\nall squished over on the edge of my\nbed.. But, I've only got fourteen hours\nto\n\ngo. Nothing can go wrong now. I think I've taken care of everything.\nI've confirmed the plane reservation. I've checked the weather..\n\nJERRY\nWhat's your airport route?\n\nELAINE\nI've got it all mapped out - I'm taking\nthe tunnel.\n\nJERRY\n..What about the Van Wyck?\n\nELAINE\nI spoke to a cab driver. For five bucks,\nhe turned me on to the Rockaway Boulevard\nshortcut.\n\nJERRY\nOooh.\n\nELAINE\nNow, lookit, this plane leaves at 10:15.\nWe're getting up at about eight. That\ngives us enough time, right?\n\nJERRY\nYou still using that old alarm clock?\n\nELAIEN\nOh, no, no. I bought a new one today.\nIt's got everything - it's got everything...\nIf you oversleep more than ten minutes,\na hand comes out and slaps you in\n\nthe face.\n\n(Night club)\n\nJERRY\nFlying doesn't make me nervous - driving\nto the airport can make you very nervous\nbecause when you're flying, when you're\ngetting on the plane, if you miss\n\nthat plane, there's no alternative. On the ground, you have options.\nYou have buses, you have taxis, you have trains. But, when you're\ntaking a flight, if you miss it,\n\nthat's it. No airline goes, \"Well, you missed the flight, we\ndo have a cannon leaving in about ten minutes. Would you be interested\nin that? It's not a direct cannon,\n\nyou have to change cannons after you land.\" (Imitates cannon\noperator) \"I'm sorry, where you goin'? Chicago? (Cranks the cannon)\nOh, Dallas? Alright, wait a\n\nsecond.. (Cranks cannon to Dallas) Dallas. That's about Dallas.\nTexas, anyway. You should hit Texas. Are you ready? Make sure\nyou get out of the net\n\nimmediately, because we shoot the luggage in right after you.\"\n\n(Elaine's apartment)\n\n15 - they overslept. She gets frantic)\n\nELAINE\n(Trying to wake Ed up) Get up! The alarm\nclock didn't go off! (Shakes him) It's\n9:15! You're gonna miss the plane! It's\n9:15!\n\nED\n9:15?\n\nELAINE\nYes! 9:15!\n\nED\n(Going back to sleep) We'll never make\nit. I'll leave tomarrow.\n\nELAINE\nTomarrow?! Are you crazy? No, now, now!\nLet's go! (Gets his suitcase from the\ncloset, throws it on the bed, and frantically\nstarts packing) You get\n\ndressed! Get dressed!\n\nED\nCan I shower?\n\nELAINE\nShower?! ARe you out of your mind?!\n\nED\nI gotta shower. I'll feel dirty all\nday.\n\nELAINE\nForget the shower! The shower's out.\nMove it! Put your clothes on! Put your\nclothes on! (Pulls out drawers of clothes,\nturning them over in the suitcase.\n\nHe walks tward the door) Where are you going?\n\nED\nThe kitchen.\n\nELAINE\nThe kitchen?!\n\nED\nI've got a bag of cashews in there.\n\nELAINE\nThey're not making it! Let's get your\npants on!\n\nED\nWhat's the big deal if we don't make\nit? I'll just go tomarrow or the next\nday.\n\nELAINE\nNo! You have your ticket! You have to\ngo now!\n\nED\nI'll never make it.\n\nELAINE\nDon't say that!\n\nED\nBut it takes forty-five minutes to get\nthere. That'll only leave me five minutes\nto get to the plane.\n\nELAINE\nShut up and pack!\n\nED\nAnd what if I don't make the plane?\nYou'll have already left. Then what\nwill I do?\n\nELAINE\nYou're talking too much!\n\nED\nWhere's my sweater?\n\nELAINE\nWhat?!\n\nED\nMy brown sweater.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? What sweater?\n\nED\nMy brown sweater.\n\nELAINE\nYou didn't bring a brown sweater.\n\nED\nI brought a brown sweater.\n\nELAINE\nHere! Here! You want a brown sweater?!\n(Recahes into one of her drawers, and\ngrabs a brown sweater, then packs it)\nYou got a brown sweater!\n\nED\nThat's not mine. I can't take your sweater.\n\nELAINE\nIt's brown! (Takes clothes still on\nthe hangers, and dumps them into the\nsuitcase)\n\nED\nWhat are you doing?!\n\nELAINE\nNO time for folding.. (Looks around)\nI think that's it. (Zips up the suitcase)\n\nED\nMy shoes. You packed my shoes.\n\nELAINE\nShoes? Shoes?! Shoes?! Shoes weren't\ninvented till the fourth century! People\nwalked around for thousands of years\nwithout them! (Puts her coat on over\n\nher nightie. He picks up his suitcase, she grabs it from him,\nthen pushes him out of her way) I got this. Let's go!\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nJERRY\nAnywhere in the city?\n\nGEORGE\nAnywhere in the city - I'll tell you\nthe best public toilet.\n\nJERRY\nOkay.. Fifty-fourth and Sixth?\n\nGEORGE\nSperry Rand Building. 14th floor, Morgan\nApparel. Mention my name - she'll give\nyou the key.\n\nJERRY\nAlright.. Sixty-fifth and Tenth.\n\nGEORGE\n(Scoffs) ARe you kidding? Lincoln Center.\nAlice Tully Hall, the Met. Magnificent\nfacilities.\n\n(Elaine enters. She's still wearing her nightclothes under her\ncoat. Her hair is messed up. She's been through quite an ordeal)\n\nELAINE\n(Slow, as if remember a dream) I never\nnew I could drive like that. I was going\nfaster than I've ever gone before, and\nyet, it all seemed to be happening in\n\nslow motion. I was seeing three and four moves ahead, weaving\nin and out of lanes like an Olympic skier on a gold metal run.\nI knew I was challenging the very laws\n\nof physics. At Queens Boulevard, I took the shoulder. At Jewel\nAvenue, I used the median. I had it. I was there.. and then..\nI hit the Van Wyck. They say no one's\n\never beaten the Van Wyck, but gentlemen, I tell you this - I\ncame as close as anyone ever has. And if it hadn't been for that\nfive-car-pile-up on Rockaway\n\nBoulevard, that numbskull would be on a plane for Seattle right\nnow instead of looking for a parking space downstairs.\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\n..The busboy's coming! The busboy's\ncoming!\n\nGEORGE\nThe busboy's coming?\n\nJERRY\nYou don't mean here?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. I just buzzed him in. He's on\nhis way up..\n\nGEORGE\nHe's coming up?! (Moves to the door)\nI'll check you out later.\n\nJERRY\nWhere are you going?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm the one he wants! He's coming to\nsettle the score.\n\nJERRY\n(Trying to get George and Kramer out)\nNo. You three all know each other. There's\nno point in me getting involved at this\nstage of the game.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, he's not going to do anything. I\nguarantee it.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, the hell with it. Let him kill me.\nI..\n\n(There's a knock in the hallway)\n\nKRAMER\nAntonio. In here!\n\n(Antonio enters)\n\nGEORGE\n(Nervous, his voice cracks) Hey, Antonio.\nHow's it going?\n\n(Antonio crosses over to George, and gives him a hug)\n\nANTONIO\nThree nights ago, a gas main beneath\nthe restaurant exploded, killing five\npeople in my section, including the\nbusboy who replaced me. If I am not\nfired\n\nthat night because of you and your thoughtless, stupid, insensitive\nremarks, it would have been me. You saved my life. (Hugs him\nagain)\n\nGEORGE\n(Trying to be modest) Ah, come on..\n\n(The intercom buzzes)\n\nELAINE\n(Into the intercom) Yeah?\n\nED\nIt's Eddie.\n\nELAINE\nHe's coming up. (Buzzes him in) He's\ncoming up..\n\nANTONIO\nAnd that very same night of the accident,\nwhile looking for Pequita, I found a\njob in a restaurant where they pay me\nalmost twice what I was making\n\nbefore - and when I returned to the apartment, Pequita, perhaps\nfrightened from the explosion, had miraculously returned. Well,\nbut now, I must go, for today I am\n\nstarting my new and wonderful job. And I am very late. Thank\nyou, thank you, thank you all. (Leaves)\n\n(Everyone ad-libs congratulations to George. Then, we hear a\nfight erupting from the hallway)\n\nED\nHey, watch were you're going. You almost\nknocked my head off!\n\nANTONIO\nHey, why don't you watch where you're\ngoing, okay? 'Cause you bumped into\nme!\n\nED\nWho do you think you're talking to,\npal?\n\nANTONIO\nHey, get your hands off me!\n\nED\nGo to hell!\n\n(Antonio screams out profanity in Spanish, then we hear them\ngetting into a serious fight)\n\n(Coffee shop)\n\nJERRY\nHe'll get another job. He's a busboy!\n\nGEORGE\nIt won't for a while. At least not until\nafter the cast comes off.\n\nJERRY\nIt was that fall down the stairs. That's\nwhat did it.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's not how it happened. It's when\nhe fell on him with his knee.\n\nELAINE\nOh, that was awful. Poor Antonio. (Waiter\nhands Elaine two bags of food to go)\n..Thanks.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, much longer?\n\nELAINE\nTill when - till he goes back to Seattle,\nor till he can feed himself?\n\nGEORGE\n(Not wanting to make Elaine mad) I guess\nit's not important.\n\nELAINE\nTake care of yourselves. (Leaves)\n\nGEORGE\nI should probably get going too. If\nI don't feed Pequita by seven, she goes\nall over everything.. take it easy.\n\nJERRY\nYeah.. (Takes a bite of his sandwich\nas the waiter starts cleaning off the\ntable) How ya doing?\n\n(Night club)\n\nJERRY\nFirst of all, I can't believe that people\nactually do fight. People have fist\nfights in life. I can't really believe\nthat we have boxing either. It's really\nkind of an\n\namazing thing. To me, the problem with boxing is - you have two\nguys having a fight that have no prior argument. Why don't they\nhave the boxers come into the ring\n\nin little cars, drive around a bit, have a little accident? They\nget out, \"Didn't you see my signal?\" \"Look at that fender!\" ..Then\nyou'd see a real fight.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Note.html",
    "text": "THE NOTE\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David\n\nEvery time somebody recommends a doctor, he's always the best.\n\"Oh, is he good?\" \"Oh, he's the best. This guy's the best.\" They\ncan't all be the best.\n\nThere can't be this many bests. Someone's graduating at the bottom\nof these classes, where are these doctors? Is somewhere, someone saying\nto their friend, \"You should see my doctor, he's the worst. Oh yeah,\nhe's the worst, he's the absolute worst there is. Whatever you've got,\nit'll be worse after you see him.\n\nHe's just, he's a butcher. The man's a butcher.\"? And then there's\nalways that, \"Make sure that you tell him that, you know, you know me.\"\nWhy? What's the difference? He's a doctor. What is it, \"Oh, you know Bob!\nOkay, I'll give you the real medicine. Everybody else, I'm giving Tic-Tacs.\"\n\n(Jerry is getting a massage.)\n\nJULIANNA\n...And usually for lunch I'll have a\nsalad, and for dinner, I eat\n\nwhatever I want.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you think the worst part of\nbeing blind is?\n\nJULIANNA\nExcuse me?\n\nJERRY\nYou know, if you were blind what do\nyou think the worst part of it would\n\nbe?\n\nJULIANNA\nI don't know.\n\nJERRY\nI think it would be not being able to\ntell if there was bugs in my food.\n\nHow could you ever enjoy a meal like that? I'd constantly be\nfeeling around\n\nwith my lips and my tongue.\n\nJULIANNA\nWell that's how my five-year old eats.\nHe's a very picky eater.\n\nJERRY\nYou hear about that kid that was kidnapped\nthe other day in\n\nPennsylvania?\n\nJULIANNA\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nHe was at a carnival with his mother.\nShe goes to get a hot dog, next\n\nthing you know she turns around, boom, he's gone.\n\nJULIANNA\nOh.\n\nJERRY\nImagine how sick a person has to be\nto do something like that. And\n\nthese people are all over the place. You never know who's crazy,\nI could be one\n\nof these people.\n\nJULIANNA\nHave you seen any good movies?\n\nJERRY\nWho takes care of your boy during the\nday?\n\nJULIANNA\nWe have a woman. Why?\n\nJERRY\nNo no. I'm just saying.\n\nJULIANNA\nShe had references.\n\nJERRY\nI'm sure she did, I'm sure they're impeccable.\nI'm talking about the\n\nones that forge them. You know I think this is really helping.\n\nJULIANNA\nI don't live near here, ya know!\n\nJerry, Elaine and George are at Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nSo she's giving me the massage and I'm\njust making conversation.\n\nELAINE\nI don't like to talk during a massage.\n\nJERRY\nNeither do I, but I do it for them.\nI figure they're bored.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, I do that too. I feel guilty about\ngetting the pleasure. I feel\n\nlike I don't deserve it so I talk. It stops me from enjoying\nit. There's\n\nnothing to eat in here.\n\nELAINE\nOh! I forgot to tell you--\n\nJERRY\nI'm in the middle of a story.\n\nELAINE\nOkay, go ahead.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy don't you ever go shopping?\n\nJERRY\nNot like it's a really funny story or\nanything.\n\nELAINE\nWhat happened?\n\nJERRY\nWell so she mentioned that she had a\nson, and the for some reason I\n\nlaunch into the story about the kid from Pennsylvania who was\nabducted.\n\nELAINE\nOh, wasn't that terrible?\n\nJERRY\nYes, it was.\n\nGEORGE\nNot even an apple.\n\nELAINE\nShe doesn't want to hear that, that\nwas stupid.\n\nJERRY\nI know it was stupid.\n\nELAINE\nReally stupid.\n\nJERRY\nHey, I just said it was stupid.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about this leftover Chinese food?\n\nJERRY\nTake it.\n\nELAINE\nI can't believe you said that.\n\nJERRY\nHey, would you stop it already?\n\nELAINE\nSo, what did she say?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, she actually seemed to\nget a little paranoid.\n\nGEORGE\nThis is terrible. What is this, ginger?\nI hate ginger. I can't\n\nunderstand how anyone can eat ginger.\n\nELAINE\nI have a good masseuse you could go\nto.\n\nJERRY\nNah, she's really good and she's not\njust a masseuse, she's a physical\n\ntherapist. There's a big difference. She uses the ultrasound,\nit's a real\n\nmedical procedure. In fact, if you get a doctor's note, it's\ncovered by\n\ninsurance.\n\nGEORGE\nPhysical therapy is covered by insurance?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nYou don't have to pay for the massage?\n\nJERRY\nNot if you have a doctor's note.\n\nELAINE\nSo where do you get this note?\n\nJERRY\nWell I've never actually done it but\nif I really wanted to I could\n\nprobably get one from my friend Roy, the dentist.\n\nGEORGE\nRight, your friend Roy.\n\nELAINE\nWhat's the name of this physical therapist?\n\nJERRY\nI'll tell you, but don't ask her anything\nabout her kid, she a little\n\noff.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd you don't have to pay.\n\nGeorge and Elaine are at the physical therapist's office.\n\nGEORGE\nWe have three-o'clock appointments.\n\nRECEPTIONIST\nGeorge and Elaine, right? Could you\nfill these out for me\n\nplease? And Elaine, you'll be seeing Julianna, and George, you'll\nbe with\n\nRaymond.\n\nGEORGE\nExcuse me, did you say 'Raymond'?\n\nRECEPTIONIST\nYes.\n\nGEORGE\nBut, uh, Raymond is a man.\n\nRECEPTIONIST\nThat's right.\n\nGeorge sits down slowly, letting this sink in.\n\nGEORGE\nI can't get a massage from a man.\n\nELAINE\nWhy not?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, are you crazy? I can't have a\nman touching me. Switch with me.\n\nELAINE\nNo, I don't want the man either.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's the difference, you're a woman.\nThey're supposed to be touching\n\nyou.\n\nELAINE\nHe'd just be touching your back.\n\nGEORGE\nHe'd just be touching your back too.\n\nELAINE\nNo, it could get sexual.\n\nGEORGE\nI know. That's the point. If it's gonna\nget sexual, it should get\n\nsexual with you.\n\nELAINE\nI wouldn't be comfortable.\n\nGEORGE\nI would? What if something happens?\n\nELAINE\nWhat could happen?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat if it felt good?\n\nELAINE\nIt's supposed to feel good.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't want it to feel good.\n\nELAINE\nThen why get the massage?\n\nGEORGE\nExactly!\n\nA man walks up dressed in white.\n\nRAYMOND\nGeorge?\n\nGEORGE\nYes?\n\nRAYMOND\nI'm Raymond.\n\nGEORGE\nHello.\n\nRAYMOND\nAre you ready?\n\nGeorge gets up cautiously and walks with Raymond.\n\nGeorge is on the table getting a massage from Raymond. George\nappears extremely\n\nuncomfortable.\n\nRAYMOND\n...And then Julianna asked me if I wanted\nto join her here in the\n\noffice.\n\nGEORGE\nReally.\n\nRAYMOND\nI used to be a flight attendant.\n\nGEORGE\nOh boy.\n\nRAYMOND\nYa know, why don't you open those pants,\nit's gonna be a lot easier\n\nthat way.\n\nGeorge loosens his pants, Raymond grabs them and yanks then down\nhis hips then\n\nstarts massaging his lower back.\n\nRAYMOND\nSo what do you do?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nRAYMOND\nI said, 'What do you do?'.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know.\n\nRAYMOND\nYou don't know what you do?\n\nGEORGE\nNah.\n\nRAYMOND\nOh, come on. Hey, you're very tense.\n\nGEORGE\nCoffee. Too much coffee.\n\nRAYMOND\nOkay, just take off those pants now,\nI'll work the hamstring.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, the hamstring's fine.\n\nRAYMOND\nBut you wrote that it was tender.\n\nGEORGE\nI wrote. Pfft, *I* wrote.\n\nRAYMOND\nI'll check it out.\n\nGEORGE\nAre you sure?\n\nRAYMOND\nYeah, take 'em off.\n\nGeorge gets up to remove his pants, he looks over and sees Raymond\nrubbing his\n\nhands with oil. Nervous, George pulls his pants down and climbs\nback on the\n\ntable. As soon as Raymond touches his leg, George becomes rigid\nwith\n\ndiscomfort.\n\nRAYMOND\nHow did you hurt this?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know.\n\nRAYMOND\nYou don't know?\n\nGEORGE\nNo.\n\nRAYMOND\nBut you just told me--\n\nGEORGE\nKorea.\n\nRAYMOND\nYou hurt it in Korea?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nRAYMOND\nThe hamstring.\n\nGEORGE\nKorea.\n\nRAYMOND\nHow?\n\nGEORGE\nHamstring.\n\nRAYMOND\nHow did you hurt the hamstring?\n\nGEORGE\nHotel.\n\nElaine is in the waiting room, George walks out very slowly,\nhe appears\n\npositively shell-shocked.\n\nELAINE\nHow'd it go? George?\n\nGeorge walks right out the door, ignoring Elaine.\n\nJerry's apartment, Jerry is on the phone.\n\nJERRY\nNo appointments at all? Because my neck\nis still tight. What about\n\nThursday? And Friday? Oh boy. Okay, thanks anyway.\n\nGeorge enters acting nervous.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's with you?\n\nGEORGE\nA...\n\nJERRY\nYes, A...?\n\nGEORGE\nA man gave me...\n\nJERRY\nYes, a man gave you...?\n\nGEORGE\nA man gave me... a massage.\n\nJERRY\nSo?\n\nGEORGE\nSo he... had his hands and, uh, he was...\n\nJERRY\nHe was what?!\n\nGEORGE\nHe was... touching and rubbing.\n\nJERRY\nThat's a massage.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd then I took my pants off.\n\nJERRY\nYou took your pants off?\n\nGEORGE\nFor my hamstring.\n\nJERRY\nOh.\n\nGEORGE\nHe got about two inches from... there.\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\nGEORGE\nI think it moved.\n\nJERRY\nMoved?\n\nGEORGE\nIt may have moved, I don't know.\n\nJERRY\nI'm sure it didn't move.\n\nGEORGE\nIt moved! It was imperceptible but I\nfelt it.\n\nJERRY\nMaybe it just wanted to change positions?\nYou know, shift to the other\n\nside.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no. It wasn't a shift, I've shifted,\nthis was a move.\n\nJERRY\nOkay, so what if it moved?\n\nGEORGE\nThat's the sign! The test; if a man\nmakes it move.\n\nJERRY\nThat's not the test. Contact is the\ntest, if it moves as a result of\n\ncontact.\n\nGEORGE\nYou think it's contact? It has to be\ntouched?\n\nJERRY\nThat's what a gym teacher once told\nme.\n\nKramer enters.\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nI just saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Donuts.\nYou know, I looked in there\n\nand there he was having coffee and a donut.\n\nJERRY\nJoe DiMaggio? In Dinky Donuts?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Joe DiMaggio.\n\nJERRY\nI'm sorry, if Joe DiMaggio wants a donut\nhe goes to a fancy restaurant\n\nor a hotel. He's not sitting in Dinky Donuts.\n\nKRAMER\nWell maybe he likes Dinky Donuts.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't even like to sit next to a man\non an airplane 'cause our knees\n\nmight touch.\n\nJERRY\nI can't see Joe DiMaggio sitting at\nthe counter in little tiny filthy\n\nsmelly Dinky Donuts.\n\nKRAMER\nWhy can't Joe DiMaggio have a donut\nlike everyone else?\n\nJERRY\nHe can have a donut, but not at Dinky.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't even like to use urinals, I've\nalways been a stall man.\n\nKRAMER\nLook I'm telling-- (he does a double\ntake and looks at George) I'm\n\ntelling you, that was Joe DiMaggio.\n\nGEORGE\nThe guy slept with Marilyn Monroe, he's\nin Dinky Donuts. What about\n\nthis doctor's note? Let's go see your friend Roy.\n\nJERRY\nI never said I'd do that.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you talking about, that's seventy-five\nbucks! I'm not\n\nworking, I can't afford that.\n\nJERRY\nI don't know how I feel about it.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, what are you, like, a Quaker now?\n\nJERRY\nAlright, alright.\n\nKRAMER\nA stall man, huh?\n\nGeorge and Jerry are in Roy's office.\n\nJERRY\n...so we were just kinda wondering if\nit was possible for you to write\n\nus a note, and if you can't, believe me, it's fine.\n\nGEORGE\nHe didn't say he can't.\n\nJERRY\nI mean, if you feel funny about it at\nall.\n\nGEORGE\nHe doesn't feel funny.\n\nJERRY\nIf he does.\n\nGEORGE\nDo you feel funny? He didn't say anything.\n\nJERRY\nHe feels funny. You don't have to do\nthis.\n\nGEORGE\nHe knows that!\n\nJERRY\nRoy, should we go? Is this a breach\nof our friendship?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, can you be any more dramatic?\n\nROY\nDon't be ridiculous. (Notices George\nlooking at a poster on the wall)\n\nHolyfield. He's a good friend of one of my patients. He's got\na hell of a\n\nbody, doesn't he?\n\nGEORGE\nHow would I know?\n\nROY\nDo you like him?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat do you mean, like him?\n\nROY\nDo you like him?\n\nGEORGE\nI mean he's a good fighter and a nice\nguy but I don't like him.\n\nROY\nHow come you don't like him?\n\nGEORGE\nWhy should I?\n\nJERRY\nWhat is the matter with you?\n\nGEORGE\nNothing, why? You think something's\nwrong? Am I different?\n\nROY\nSo, you want the notes?\n\nJERRY\nYou don't have to, really.\n\nROY\nNah nah, it's ok.\n\nJERRY\nWe should probably get one for Elaine,\ntoo, right George? (turns to\n\nGeorge, who is staring intently at the Holyfield poster) George?\n\nJerry and Elaine are at Jerry's apartment, Jerry is on the phone.\n\nJERRY\nWell what about the week after? No appointments\nat all? (Jerry tries\n\nto sit down on the couch, but Elaine is too close to the end\nand he has to\n\nsqueeze in between her and the arm to sit down) Can I at least\njust talk to her\n\nso I can apologize? Forget it. (Hangs up) I can't believe this,\nI make one\n\ninnocent comment about some lunatic in Pennsylvania and I'm cut\noff. This woman\n\nis insane. (Looks at Elaine for a moment) What's with you?\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nWell you were too close to me, I was\nall scrunched in there.\n\nELAINE\nHey, you scrunched me. I sat down here\nfirst.\n\nKramer enters.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, I saw DiMaggio in the donut shop\nagain.\n\nJERRY\nUh huh.\n\nELAINE\nJoe DiMaggio?\n\nKRAMER\nJoe DiMaggio, you know this time I went\nin and sat down across from him\n\nand I really watched him. I studied his every move. For example,\nhe dunks.\n\nELAINE\nJoe DiMaggio dunks his donut?\n\nKRAMER\nThat's right.\n\nJERRY\nSee, now I know it's not him. Joe DiMaggio\ncould not be a dunker.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, he's a dunker.\n\nELAINE\nWhy couldn't he be a dunker?\n\nKRAMER\nAnd nothing diverts his attention. Like,\nI'm uh, you know, like I'm\n\nsitting in there, you know. And I start banging on the table,\nyou know, to uh,\n\nlook up, you know, Like I'm sitting there you know and uh, *bang*\n(slams the\n\ntable) You know, *bang* He wouldn't move. So then I start doing\nthese yelping\n\nnoises. Like, *yip* (high pitched yelping noises) *yip*. No reaction\nbecause\n\nthe guy is so focused, you see, he can just block out anything\nthat's going on\n\naround him. See, that's how he played baseball. He dunks like\nhe hits.\n\nELAINE\nSo then what?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, then the waitress, she comes up\nand she tells me to shut up or\n\nthey're gonna throw me out.\n\nELAINE\nWhy didn't you just call out his name?\n\nGeorge enters, his pants are ripped at the knee.\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened to you?\n\nGEORGE\nOne of those kids called me a Mary.\n\nELAINE\nA what?\n\nGEORGE\nI was jumping over a puddle and for\nsome reason I went like this.\n\n(George stretches out his arms in a ballet motion) They called\nme a Mary. So I\n\nchased them, and I tripped and I fell.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, you know kids, they can be very\nperceptive.\n\nELAINE\nHey, George? What is this? (Elaine makes\nthe same outstretched arm\n\nmotion) What is that? No really, what is that?\n\nGeorge heads for the bathroom, the phone rings, Kramer answers\nit, Jerry grabs\n\nit from him.\n\nJERRY\nHello? Oh, hi Roy. What? Oh my god,\nhow did this happen? What can I\n\ndo? Oh. I am so sorry. Okay. Bye. (Hangs up) That was Roy. He's\nunder\n\ninvestigation for insurance fraud.\n\nKRAMER\n...just a man and not a freak, Joltin'\nJoe DiMaggio. Joe,\n\nJoe. Go, Joe...\n\nJERRY\nI told you.\n\nGEORGE\nTold me what?\n\nJERRY\nI told you we shouldn't do it.\n\nGEORGE\nHe didn't say anything.\n\nJERRY\nHe's got a house, a family, they could\ntake away his license. You\n\nshould have heard him. Three notes, how stupid was that? We never\nshould have\n\ngot three notes.\n\nELAINE\nThree notes?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, you, me and George.\n\nELAINE\nYou got me a note?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nBut I got my own note.\n\nJERRY\nYou what?\n\nELAINE\nI got a note from my gynecologist.\n\nJERRY\nWhy'd you do that?\n\nELAINE\nI didn't know you were getting me a\nnote.\n\nJERRY\nOf course I was getting you a note.\n\nELAINE\nBut you didn't say anything.\n\nJERRY\nNeither did you, that's how he got caught.\nWe sent in four notes from\n\ntwo doctors.\n\nKRAMER\nHow can you do that to your friend?\nHe's got a wife, kids, and a lot\n\nof other stuff. Oh, yeah.\n\nKramer leaves.\n\nJerry and George are at Roy's office.\n\nJERRY\nHi Pam.\n\nPAM\nHello.\n\nGEORGE\nHello.\n\nJERRY\nI just thought maybe I could talk to\nRoy.\n\nRoy walks in.\n\nROY\nPam, did the x-ray from Mrs. Sloan...\nHi.\n\nJERRY\nHi Roy.\n\nGEORGE\nHow ya doing?\n\nROY\nCome on back, I have a patient but she's\nunder.\n\nRoy, Jerry and George are talking over a woman sleeping in a\ndental chair.\n\nJERRY\nI don't even know what to say.\n\nGEORGE\nMe neither.\n\nJERRY\nI knew this would happen.\n\nGEORGE\nMe too.\n\nJERRY\nI mean the whole thing, it's just...\n\nGEORGE\nTragic.\n\nJERRY\nWell it's not tragic.\n\nGEORGE\nNo?\n\nJERRY\nNo, it's...\n\nGEORGE\nUnsettling?\n\nJERRY\nOkay. I mean, what if the--\n\nPam walks in and interrupts.\n\nPAM\nI hope you're both happy.\n\nJERRY\nI'm not happy.\n\nGEORGE\nMe neither. I've never been happy.\n\nJERRY\nI mean I'm happy sometimes, but not\nnow.\n\nGEORGE\nIn college, maybe. Those were fun times.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, college was fun.\n\nPam walks in again and interjects.\n\nPAM\nYou know the whole practice is in jeopardy,\nyou know that?\n\nROY\nDon't mind her.\n\nJERRY\nOh please, I love her.\n\nGEORGE\nI've just met her but I'm very impressed.\n\nROY\nI can't understand, I've never had a\nproblem with these notes before.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's the next move, what's gonna happen\nnow?\n\nROY\nWell, nothing really, as long as we\nget the physical therapist to go along\n\nwith our story.\n\nJERRY\nWhat? The physical therapist? Why?\n\nROY\nShe just has to say the complaint was\nrelated to a dental problem.\n\nThe woman in the chair wakes up and looks at Jerry and George.\n\nGEORGE\nHow ya doing?\n\nJerry and George are at Julianna's office.\n\nJERRY\nHi. Look, I know I don't have an appointment\nbut it's really important\n\nthat I talk with Julianna.\n\nRECEPTIONIST\nI'm sorry, Mr. Seinfeld, she's not it.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I know she's mad at me but I really\nhave to speak with her.\n\nRECEPTIONIST\nI told you, she's not here.\n\nJERRY\nYou don't understand.\n\nRECEPTIONIST\nLook, you have to leave.\n\nJERRY\nWait a second, don't you-- (Julianna\nwalks up with her child) Hi. Hi.\n\nLook, I don't know what you--\n\nJULIANNA\nPlease!\n\nJERRY\n--but, you see, let me just talk to\nyou for a second, see, what I did is\n\ninadvertently sent an insurance--\n\nJULIANNA\nI treated you, so please, just get out\nof the office!\n\nJERRY\nCan't you just listen to me?\n\nJULIANNA\nRun Billy! Run to the office and close\nthe\n\ndoor! (to the receptionist) Call the police!\n\nJulianna then runs down the hall.\n\nJERRY\nThe police?\n\nRaymond the masseuse walks up.\n\nRAYMOND\nHi George.\n\nGEORGE\nHello.\n\nJERRY\nRaymond?\n\nElaine, Jerry and George are at the coffee shop.\n\nELAINE\nWell, I mean it's only six months probation,\nit's a slap on the wrist.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I still don't see any dinner invitations\nforthcoming.\n\nGEORGE\nMen have been popping into my sexual\nfantasies. All of a sudden, I'll\n\nbe in the middle.\n\nELAINE\nOf what? Oh.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd a guy will appear from out of nowhere.\nI say \"Get out of here!\n\nWhat do you want? You don't belong here!\"\n\nELAINE\nWhat do they do?\n\nGEORGE\nThey talk back. They go, \"Hey George,\nhow's it going?\" I say, \"Get\n\nthe hell out of here!\"\n\nJerry spots Kramer through the window.\n\nJERRY\nHey, it's the K-man. (he bangs on the\nglass to get Kramer's attention)\n\nMaybe it's time you got as different hobby.\n\nKramer enters and sits at the booth.\n\nKRAMER\nI just came from Roy's. I threw up from\nthe gas.\n\nThe three all put down their coffee cups simultaneously.\n\nJERRY\nDid he say anything?\n\nKRAMER\nNo no, he's fine.\n\nJERRY\nOh my god, it's...\n\nGEORGE\nJoe DiMaggio.\n\nKRAMER\nWhere?\n\nJERRY\nHaving a cup of coffee.\n\nELAINE\nHe's dunking!\n\nJERRY\nWow. Look at him. The Yankee Clipper.\nHere.\n\nGEORGE\nYou see? Now that is a handsome man.\n(Elaine and Jerry look right at\n\nGeorge) Oh please.\n\nKRAMER\nWait, wait. *bang* (he slams his hand\ndown on the table) *bang*\n\n(again) *yip* (another high pitched yelping sound) *yip* See?\nI told you.\n\n(Closing monologue)\n\nWhat causes homophobia? What is it that makes a heterosexual\nman worry? I\nthink it's because men know that deep down we have weak sales\nresistance. We're\nconstantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right.\nMen think,\n\"Obviously I can be talked into anything. What if I accidentally\nwander into\nsome sort of homosexual store, thinking it's a shoe store, and\nthe salesman\ngoes, 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around the store a little\nbit, see how\nyou feel. No obligation, no pressure, just try it. Would you\nlike to see him in a sandal?'\"\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Truth.html",
    "text": "THE TRUTH\n\nWritten by\n\nElaine Pope & Larry Charles\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nWelcome everyone to the room...Ah, the extra button....yeah ...\nwhat kind of a sicko\nwould save these ...have them in a huge file, drawers that wide\n(small fingers opening\nimaginary drawers) Where the hell is that ... I mean is it THAT\nhard to get round black\nbuttons that they have to make it into such a great thing like\nthis? ... is it such a\ngreat jacket ... the buttons are so unique, so one of a kind,\nyou'll never find them - they\nsave you the trouble of knocking your brain off - and we know\nthey're going to fall off too, that's the other thing ...\n\n(Monk's)\n\nPATRICE\nEveryone in my family's creative. And\neven though I'm working as an accountant\n\nnow I'd really like to eventually live exclusively on my pappe-ay\nmache-ay hats\n\nGEORGE\nI don't understand. Paper Machay hats?\n\nPATRICE\nuh uh\n\nGEORGE\nWhat if it rains?\n\nFD\nThey're art. You hang them on the wall.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, art!\n\nPATRICE\nIt's my creative outlet. One of my passions.\n\nGEORGE\nAny money in it?\n\nPATRICE\nWho so belongs only to his age, references\nonly popenjays and mumbo jumbos\n\nGEORGE\nOf course, right.\n\nPATRICE\nThomas Carlisle, 1864.\n\nGEORGE\nTommy C.\n\nJerry's Apartment\n\nJERRY\nThese are the receipts from 85 and I'm\ngoing to do 86.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm sorry. I thought it was a legitimate\ncharity. I didn't know you'd get audited\n\nJERRY\nI don't blame you. I blame myself.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, blame me.\n\nJERRY\nOK, I blame you.\n\nKRAMER\nDon't blame me.\n\nJERRY\nWhat was I supposed to do? You knew\nI was on my first date with Elaine.\nYou come\n\nbarging in here asking me to contribute money for a volcano relief\nfund for krakatoa.\n\nKRAMER\nIt was supposed to erupt.\n\nJERRY\nI find the whole thing very embarrassing.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know what my feelings are about\nthis. I don't even pay taxes.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, tha's easy when you have no income.\n\n(Elaine enters)\n\nELAINE\nHi,\n\nJERRY\nHi\n\nELAINE\nKramer, do me a favour will ya'. If\nyou insist o making pasta in my\n\napartment please don't put the tomato sauce on the pasta while\nit's in the\n\nstrainer. All the little squares have hardened red sauce in them.\n\n(Jerry smiles)\n\nELAINE\nWhat's so funny\n\nJERRY\nKramer dating your room mate. It's funny.\n\nELAINE\nUh, it's a riot Alice.\n\nKRAMER\nWhen do you pit the sauce on?\n\nELAINE\nAny other time.\n\nKRAMER\nI like to strain the sauce.\n\nELAINE\nAnd ... I could really live without\nthe tribal music ... and the make out\nsessions\n\nin the living room\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, Tina likes the couch.\n\nELAINE\nWhat are you doing? What is all this?\n\nJERRY\nOh he's uh, helping me sort my receipts.\nI'm being audited.\n\nELAINE\nO, your being auditted? What for?\n\nJERRY\nOh, I contributed money to a charity\nthat turned out to be fraudulent. It's\nvery\n\nboring.\n\nELAINE\nWhen was this?\n\nJERRY\nUh, Along long time ago, in a galaxy\nfar far away.\n\nELAINE\nI remember you donated to some volcano\nthing on our first date.\n\nJERRY\nVolcano? Really?\n\nELAINE\nOh, wait a minute. Don't tell me that\nthat was ...\n\nJERRY\nSomething to drink?\n\nELAINE\nWhat did you think, that would impress\nme?\n\nJERRY\nYou got it ALL wrong. I was thinking\nonly of the poor Krakatoans\n\nELAINE\nLike you this donation for 50 bucks\nand I'd start tearing my clothes off?\n\nJERRY\nThose brave Krakatoans East of Java.\nwho sacrifice so much for so long.\n\nELAINE\nNow you're being audited because of\nit. You see That's Karma.\n\nJERRY\nNo, that's Krama.\n\nELAINE\nSo, waddya' going to do?\n\nJERRY\nIt's all taken care of.\n\nELAINE\nHow is that?\n\nKRAMER\n(chuckles)\n\nJERRY\nAn old friend of mine, whom you may\nhave met, George Costanza,\n\nhas recently become intimate with a female accountant who was\nformally a highly\n\nplaced official with an outfit known as the IRS. And as we speak,\nat this very\n\nmoment he is handing over to her all of my pertinent tax information.\nAnd she\n\nhas assured us that the matter is well within her field of expertise.\n\nELAINE\nWhy is she doing this?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know. It must be love.\n\nMonks\n\nGEORGE\nI don't think we should see each other\nanymore. You're great but I'm I'm riddled\nwith\n\npersonal problems.\n\nPATRICE\nWhat did I do?\n\nGEORGE\nNothing It's not you. It's me. I have\na fear of commitment. I don't know how\nto love.\n\nPATRICE\nYou hate my earrings don't you?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no,\n\nPATRICE\nAnd you didn't comment on the chop sticks.\n\nGEORGE\nI love the chop sticks. I, I personally\nprefer a fork but they look very nice.\n\nPATRICE\nYou're not telling me the truth. I must\nhave done something.\n\nGEORGE\nI have a fear of intimacy\n\nPATRICE\nDon't give me cliches. I have a right\nto know. What did I do wrong?\n\nGEORGE\nNothing. It's not YOU..\n\nPATRICE\nI want the truth.\n\nGEORGE\nThe truth. you want the truth? It is\nyour earrings It is the chopsticks but\nit's so much\n\nmore. You're pretentious. You call everyone by their full name\nYou call my doorman, Sammy,\n\n\"Samuel\" but you didn't even say \"Samuel\" You went \"Sam - U-\nEL\" Papie-eh Mach-eh What is\n\nPapie-ay Mach-ay?\n\nPATRICE\nKeep goin'.\n\nGEORGE\nI, I think I made my point. I'm sorry\nif I was a little harsh.\n\nPATRICE\nNo, I asked for the truth. Thank you\nfor being so honest.\n\nGEORGE\nCan I uh, can I walk you back to work?\n\nPATRICE\nI prefer to go alone. How much do I\nowe?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, please ... ... four dollars is f...\n\nJerry's Apartment\n\nJERRY\n... if this audit had happened to me\nand I didn't have this woman to help\n\nme I would have killed this man. I would have strangled the life\nout of him\n\nwith my bare hands\n\nELAINE\nI don't blame ya'\n\nJERRY\nHave you ever been through an audit?\n\nELAINE\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nIt's hell. It's the financial equivalent\nof a complete rectal\n\nexamination. I would have killed this man. Torn him limb from\nlimb, ripped the\n\nflesh right off his bones ...\n\n(buzzer)\n\nJERRY\nYeah\n\nGEORGE\nGeorge\n\nJERRY\nCome up - Ah, there he is, the man himself,\nGeorge Louis Costanza. Here I am about\nto go\n\nto the electric chair and my oldest friend is dating the governor\n\nGEORGE\nMy whole life has been a complete waste\nof time, (chuckle)\n\nJERRY\nAnd there's so much more to go.\n\nGEORGE\nNow I know what I am supposed to do.\nIt's so simple.\n\nTell the truth That's all. Just tell the truth\n\nJERRY\nSo what happened? You gave her my tax\npapers? ... My papers?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, oh, your papers\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened you didn't give her the\npapers?\n\nGEORGE\nNo. I did.\n\nJERRY\nSO?\n\nGEORGE\n...I broke up with her.\n\n(Kramer leaves)\n\nJERRY\nYou what?\n\nGEORGE\nI broke up with her.\n\nJERRY\nI'm being audited! And you broke up\nwith her?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's OK. It's fine. She'll do it. I'm\nsure she'll still do it.\n\nJERRY\nWhy will she still do it? She hates\nyou now. People don't do you favors\nafter you dump\n\nthem.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, no. We left on good terms.\n\nJERRY\nHow is that possible?\n\nGEORGE\nBecause I uh, I told her the truth.\n\nJERRY\nOh, my God.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's OK.\n\nJERRY\nIt's unheard of ...\n\nGEORGE\nShe asked me to.\n\nJERRY\nSo you lie! What did you tell her?\n\nGEORGE\nI told her that she was pretentious.\n\nJERRY\nPretentious!? The woman has my tax papers.\nYou told her she was\n\npretentious? The IRS. They're like the MAFIA. They can take anything\nthey\n\nwant\n\nELAINE\nHow would you like it if someone told\nYOU the truth?\n\nGEORGE\nLike what? What could they say?\n\nELAINE\nThere are plenty of things to say.\n\nGEORGE\nLike what? I'm bald? What is it specifically?\nIs, is there an odor I'm not aware of?\n\nELAINE\nGeorge, please.\n\nGEORGE\nGive me one.\n\nELAINE\nYou sure?\n\nGEORGE\nYes.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nForget it. You are very careful with\nmoney.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm cheap? You think I'm CHEAP? How\ncould you say that to me? I can't\n\nbelieve this. How could you say that to me?\n\nELAINE\nYou asked me to.\n\nGEORGE\nYou should have lied.\n\nELAINE\nHUH, so should you.\n\nJERRY\nOK, wait a second, wait a second, what\nhappened to my papers?\n\nGEORGE\n(ignoring Jerry) I mean I'm not really\nworking right now.\n\nELAINE\nI know.\n\nGEORGE\nWhen I was working I spent baby.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I know champagne, limos, cigars.\nWHAT happened to the papers?\n\nGEORGE\nShe put them in her pocketbook. I guess\nshe took them with her.\n\nELAINE\nPocketbook or a handbag?\n\nJERRY\nIs that relevant? She TOOK them. Call\nher office.\n\nGEORGE\nGive me the phone. (dials) Yea, Hi I\nwould like to speak to Patrice. ...\n\nwhat? ... oh really? ... oh, ok, thank you, ... (hangs up)\n\nJERRY\nWhat? What?\n\nGEORGE\nShe never came back from lunch.\n\nJERRY\nThis is no good. This is no good. Call\nher house.\n\nGEORGE\n(dials) Hi, are you OK? no, no,.. huh,\n(hangs up) She hung up.\n\nJERRY\nNot good.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. There's nothing to be worried\nabout. She's just a little\n\nannoyed right now. Tomorrow I'll personally go over there. I'll\napologize.\n\nI'll get the papers. Don't worry. Don't worry. (exits)\n\nJERRY\nNot good\n\n(break)\n\nJerry's Apartment\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, it's a windshield.\n\nJERRY\nI can see that. What's it for?\n\nKRAMER\nI found it on the road.\n\nJERRY\nYeah (to buzzer)\n\nELAINE\n(from intercom) I just finished working\nout are you busy?\n\nJERRY\nCome on up.\n\nKRAMER\nCan you believe somebody threw this\nout? You know I'm going to make a\n\ncoffee table out of this and surprise Tina.\n\nJERRY\nwouldn't it be invisible? I mean, what,\nare you going to just sense it's\n\nin front of the couch?\n\nKRAMER\nwow\n\n(Elaine enters - she and Kramer avoid each other's stares)\n\nELAINE\nhell-oo\n\nKRAMER\nhell-oo\n\nJERRY\nWhat's with you two?\n\nELAINE\nYou haven't told him?\n\nJERRY\nTell me what?\n\nELAINE\nHuh, go ahead, tell him.\n\nKRAMER\nI, I saw her naked.\n\nELAINE\nHe saw me naked. Kramer, ... saw me\nnaked.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you know, ... it was an accident.\n\nELAINE\nWho walks into a woman's bedroom without\nknocking. I want to know!\n\nKRAMER\nI thought it was a closet.\n\nJERRY\nCompletely naked?\n\nKRAMER\nCompletely naked.\n\nELAINE\nJerrryyy, How can I go on?\n\nKRAMER\nAll right. I'll tell you what. If it's\ngoing to make you feel any better you\ncan see me naked.\n\n(Kramer begins disrobing)\n\nELAINE\nNo thanks!\n\nKRAMER\nNo, I want you to see me naked.\n\nELAINE\nNo, no no.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, I want to show you.\n\nELAINE\nNo! Jerry! Jerry!\n\nJERRY\nOK, just a second lets not lose our\nheads here. Kramer you know you are\nalways welcome in my\n\nhome but as far as Mr. Johnson is concerned, that's another story.\n\n(Kramer sits down picks up windshield)\n\nELAINE\nEhat is this?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, it's a windshield. It's going\nto be your new coffee table.\n\nELAINE\nAh, I'm going to kill myself on that\nthiing. You can't even see it.\n\nJERRY\nYou'll sense it.\n\n(George enters slowly)\n\nJERRY\nWell, what happened? Was she there?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no she wasn't.\n\nJERRY\nYou didn't get my papers?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I didn't.\n\nJERRY\nWell, where is she?\n\nGEORGE\nA mental institution.\n\nSTAND UP ROUTINE\n\nWhy is it so difficult, uncomfortable, to be naked. It's because\nwhen you have\n\nclothes on you can always kinda make those little adjustments\nthat people like\n\nto do ... you feel like you're getting it together, yeah, yeah\npretty good\n\n(pulling at lapels, pockets etc.) feeling good looking good But\nwhen you're\n\nnaked it's like it's so final you're, Well that's it. (no movements)\nThere's\n\nnothing else I can do. That's why I like to wear a belt when\nI'm naked. Cause I\n\nfeel it gives me something, I know I'm naked, but you know, (tugging\nand\n\nlifting belt) I like to get pockets to hang off of the belt that\nwould be,\n\nwouldn't that be the ultimate? To be naked and still be able\nto do this (hand\n\nin pocket) I think that would really help a lot.\n\n=\n\nJerry's Apartment\n\nJERRY\nA mental institution?\n\nKRAMER\nYou know what they do in there? Did\nyou see CooCoo's Nest? They put those\nelectrodes in\n\nyour head.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's not really a mental institution.\nIt's more like a depression\n\nclinic. She went out to Woodhaven and checked herself in. I'm,\nI'm sick over\n\nthis.\n\nELAINE\nWho told you this:\n\nGEORGE\nHer roommate. I've driven women to lesbianism\nbefore but never to a mental institution.\n\nKRAMER\nMy friend Bob Sacamano had shock treatments.\nBut his synapses were so large, it had\nno effect.\n\nJERRY\nYou know I hate to raise a crass financial\nconcern but was there any\n\ninformation as to the where abouts of my PAPERS!\n\nGEORGE\nShe put them in her pocket book. She\nprobably took them out there with her.\n\nJERRY\nSo what now?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know.\n\nJERRY\nCan we go out there?\n\nGEORGE\nWhere?\n\nJERRY\nWoodhaven.\n\nGEORGE\nWe could.\n\nWoodhaven\n\nGEORGE\nI'm very nervous about this. I've never\nspoken to a mental patient before.\n\nJERRY\nMy cousin Douglas was in a place like\nthis one time . He came over to\n\nmy house for dinner. There was no soda and he went bezerk. He\nwas screamin'\n\n\"where's the Pepsi, where's the Pepsi?\"\n\nGEORGE\nI should be in a place like this I envy\nthis woman. Ya' get to wear\n\nslippers all day. Friends visit. They pity you. Pity is very\nunderrated. I\n\nlike it it's good. Plus they give you those word association\n\ntests. I love those.\n\nJERRY\nThat'd be great. There's no wrong answer.\n\nGEORGE\nPotato\n\nJERRY\nTuberculosis\n\nGEORGE\nBlanket\n\nJERRY\nLeroy\n\nGEORGE\nGrass\n\nJERRY\nTuberculosis\n\nGEORGE\nOh, boy. Here she comes.\n\nElaine's Apartment\n\n(African music is playing as Elaine enters, dirty pots and dishes\nare piled high in the kitchen)\n\nELAINE\nOh, my god.\n\n(Kramer enters dancing with only a towel on.)\n\nELAINE\nKRAMER!\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nELAINE\nWILL YOU PLEASE PUT SOMETHING ON.\n\nKRAMER\nUh, you want some leftovers? I made\nsome African food. There's, yambalas\nand uh, sambusa.\n\nTINA\nKramer, are you coming back to bed?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah, I'll be right there baby.\n\nTINA\nOh, hi Elaine. (returns Elaine's ear\nrings) What did you think of the coffee\ntable?\n\nELAINE\nIt's invisible.\n\nKRAMER\nSo, is everything cool? or what?\n\nTINA\nYeah, you seem little bit dysfunctional.\n\nELAINE\nWell,\n\nTINA\nCome on Elaine. just tell us the truth.\n\nELAINE\nThe Truth!, You want The Truth?\n\nWoodhaven\n\nPATRICE\nWho are you?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, this is my friend Jerry.\n\nPATRICE\nWhy are you talking like that? And what\ndo YOU want?\n\nJERRY\nWant, want? What could I possibly want?\nUh, I just came because I, I heard so\nmany nice things\n\nabout you from George.\n\nPATRICE\nGeorge thinks I'm pretentious.\n\nGEORGE\nPretentious? Who isn't pretentious?\nHa, ha, if everyone who was\n\npretentious was in a mental institution, ... uh, obviously THIS\nisn't a mental\n\ninstitution.\n\nPATRICE\nYou're just trying to take it all back\nbecause you're feeling guilty I'm in\nhere.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, that's not it at all.\n\nPATRICE\nDon't LIE George.\n\nGEORGE\nI'M NOT A LIER!\n\nGEORGE\nUh, we're cool. Everything's cool (to\nsecurity attendent)\n\nJERRY\nJust chatting. Friendly.\n\nGEORGE\nAll righty, no reason for us to uh,\nraise our voices.\n\nPATRICE\nI know what you said. You can't change\nthat.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat I said? I saw stupid things all\nthe time I can't go two minutes without\nsaying stupid things.\n\nJERRY\nIt's one stupid thing after another.\nSo let me ask you, when you come to\none of these places,\n\nwhat do you bring your pocketbook?\n\nGEORGE\nYou should be the one criticizing me.\nI, I'm lucky to even know someone like\nyou.\n\nPATRICE\nYou mean that?\n\nGEORGE\nOf course I mean that. I am incapable\nof guile.\n\nJERRY\nHe's never guiled. You know some women\nkeep a lot of important papers in their,\nuh, pocket book.\n\nLike for example oh, someone else's personal financial papers.\n\nPATRICE\nPapers? Oh, Jerry, You're the Jerome\nwith the tax problem. You know after\nthat day with George I\n\ngot so cuckoo I threw out all your papers. So I'd love to help\nyou but I'll need the copies.\n\nJERRY\nthere are no copies.\n\nPATRICE\nSo are you saying you want to continue\nseeing me?\n\nJERRY\nWho makes copies?\n\nElaine's Apartment\n\nELAINE\nThe truth is ... I think you make ...\na very nice couple.\n\n(Elaine exits)\n\nKRAMER\nOh,\n\nTINA\nKramer,\n\n(dancing in the dark to the music)\n\nTINA\nHere Kramer?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, lets go to the couch...\n\n(sound of smashing glass)\n\nJerry's Apartment\n\n(\n\nJERRY\n(on phone)Yes, I'm trying to get a copy\nof a receipt for a computer thatI bought\nthere....\n\nit was 1987 ... I remember I talked to a guy - he had like a\nmaroon sport jacket - and he might\n\nhave had a toupee - oh, it was a weave - ok uh, then I'll come\nbye ok, bye.\n\nJERRY\nAnybody want to take a walk down to\n48th street? I think I may have tracked\ndown another receipt.\n\nELAINE\nI can't. I have to go visit Tina in\nthe hospital.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm going to a poetry reading with PATRICE:\nFirst time poets, in a burnt out building,\ndown by the docks,\n\nSupposed to be good.\n\n(Kramer enter - all bandaged up.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Are you going to the hospital now?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I suppose I am.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, great, great uh, we'll share\na cab.\n\nJERRY\nYou're going by 48th St. You can give\nme a ride.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, I'm getting in on that.\n\nELAINE\nYou know you're chippin' in.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're going that way anyway!\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nI was audited last year. At first I thought well, IRS kinda sounds\nlike Toys R Us maybe won't be so bad. Maybe they have a sense of fun\nabout it, you know.\n\nBut it's it's bad. It's an ordeal. And they don't do anything\nto keep your spirits up through the ordeal. I think they should take\nall your receipts and put them in one of those big Lucite sweepstake\nand just kinda crank it around there.\n\nYou know give me a feeling like you might win something.\nYou know what I\nmean? Then they can pull them out one by one and go \"Oh, I'm\nsorry that's\nanother illegal deduction. But we do have some lovely parting\ngifts for you. Jail!\"\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Pen.html",
    "text": "THE PEN\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David\n\n(Night club)\n\nJERRY\nI have never seen an old person in a\nnew bathing suit in my life. I don't\nknow where they get their bathing suits,\nbut my father has bathing suits from\nother centuries. My parents live in\nFlorida, and if you go down there and\nyou forget your bathing suits then they\nwant you to wear one of theirs. You\nknow how that gets? \"You need trunks\nson? I've got trunks for you. You can\nwear my trunks.\" Fathers don't wear\nbathing suits, they wear trunks. It's\nkind of the same thing a tree would\nwear if it went swimming. So I get in\nthe water with in thing and it's like\nfloating around me somewhere. Did you\never put on a bathing suit that you\ndon't even know exactly where you are\ninside the bathing suit? You bump into\nsomebody you know: \"No I'm parasailing,\nI'm waiting for the boat to come back.\"\n\n(Florida, evening, condo of Jerry's parents)\n\nHELEN\n(looking by the window) They were supposed\nto be here at 7:30. Call the airlines\nagain.\n\nMORTY\n(searching in a kitchen drawer) What\nhappened to the scotch tape? Who takes\nthe scotch tape? Nobody returns anything\naround here.\n\nHELEN\nOh I think that's them!\n\nMORTY\nYou what I'll do next time? I'll hide\nit so nobody can find it.\n\n(Jerry and Elaine enter)\n\nALL\nHi, welcome, greetings, hugs, etc.\n\nMORTY\nWelcome to Florida!\n\nELAINE\nHi Mr. Seinfeld! (hug)\n\nJERRY\nHey, there's the old man! (hug)\n\nMORTY\nSo, what took you so long?\n\nJERRY\nWe waited 35 minutes in the rent-a-car\nplace.\n\nHELEN\nI don't know why you had to rent a car.\nWe would have picked you up.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's the difference?\n\nHELEN\nYou could have used our car.\n\nJERRY\nI don't wanna use your car.\n\nHELEN\nWhat's wrong with our car?\n\nJERRY\nNothing. It's a fine car. What if you\nwanna use it?\n\nHELEN\nWe don't use it.\n\nMORTY\nWhat are you talking? We use it.\n\nHELEN\nIf you were using it, we wouldn't use\nit.\n\nJERRY\nSo what would you do? You'd hitch?\n\nHELEN\nHow much is a rent-a-car?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know. 25 bucks a day.\n\nHELEN\nWhat? You're crazy.\n\nMORTY\nPlus the insurance.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I didn't get the insurance.\n\nMORTY\nHow could you not get the insurance?\n\nHELEN\nWe'll pay for the car.\n\nJERRY\nYou're not paying for it.\n\nHELEN\nMorty. (asking him to back her. He doesn't)\n\nJERRY\nGod it's so hot in here. Why don't you\nput on the air conditioning?\n\nHELEN\nYou don't need the air conditioner.\nSo, you have your speech all ready?\n\nJERRY\nIt's not a speech. Do I have to make\na speech?\n\nHELEN\nOf course, they're giving a testimonial\nfor your father. You could do your comic\nroutines.\n\nJERRY\n(ironically) Oh yeah, that will go over\nreal well with that crowd.\n\nELAINE\n(looking by the window) Ooh, you have\na lake?\n\nJERRY\nThe lake isn't real.\n\nHELEN\nThe lake is real.\n\nMORTY\nAre you kidding? They built the lake.\n\nHELEN\nBut it's real. It's water.\n\n(Jerry and Elaine take their luggages to the guest room)\n\nHELEN\nWhere are you going with those?\n\nJERRY\nI'm gonna put Elaine's stuff in here.\n\nHELEN\nDon't sleep in there. You can you use\nthe bedroom.\n\nELAINE\nI can't take your bedroom.\n\nHELEN\nI'm up at 6 o'clock in the morning.\n\nELAINE\nI can't kick you out of your bed.\n\nHELEN\nWe don't even sleep.\n\nJERRY\nMa.\n\nHELEN\nBut this is sofa bed, you'll be uncomfortable.\n\nJERRY\n(to Morty) What about you?\n\nMORTY\nWhy should I be comfortable?\n\nJERRY\n(to Helen) What about him?\n\nHELEN\nDon't worry, he's comfortable.\n\nMORTY\nI'll sleep standing up. I'll be fine.\n\nHELEN\nWill you stop?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I'll just stay in here. (goes\nin the guest room)\n\nHELEN\n(asking Jerry to go in the kitchen so\nElaine won't hear) Jerry. You don't\nhave to stay on the couch on my account.\nThe two of you could stay in there together.\n\nJERRY\nNo that's not such a good idea.\n\nHELEN\nWell I tought that...\n\nJERRY\nNot now. She's right inside.\n\nHELEN\n(quieter) What happened?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know. We decided we don't really\nwork as a couple.\n\nHELEN\nWhat does that mean?\n\nJERRY\nWell...\n\nMORTY\n(comes to the kitchen and with a loud\nvoice) Why are you whispering?\n\nJERRY\nShh! Nothing, nothing.\n\nHELEN\nElaine...\n\nMORTY\n(still loud) What about her?\n\nJERRY\n(tries to explain to Morty but Elaine\nthen comes out of the guest room to\nget more luggages, so he fakes a conversation)\n...but you know, look at the sun-dried\ntomatoes. Where were they five years\nago? It just goes to show you. You never\nknow what... huh (waiting for Elaine\nto go back in the guest room) you know...\nhuh... What could happen to a vegetable.\nIt could just take right off at any\ntime. (Morty finally gets it. So Jerry\ngoes on quieter) We've tried all kind\nof arrangments, but we can't seem to\nbe friend when we sleep together.\n\nMORTY\n(Morty goes on louder! Did he ever whisper\nin any episode? :-) Why do you need\nmore friends? You've got plenty of friends.\n\nHELEN\nHe's an idealist.\n\nMORTY\nWhat the hell are you looking for?\n\nJERRY\nI'm looking. That's the point. I like\nlooking.\n\nHELEN\nHe likes looking.\n\nMORTY\nSo look.\n\nHELEN\nBut how long can you look?\n\nJERRY\nI'm going for the record.\n\n(Morty walks away with a face like he disagrees with Jerry)\n\nHELEN\nYou know your father wouldn't say so\nbut he's really glad you came.\n\nJERRY\nOh, come on.\n\nHELEN\nThis is a big thing for him. Outgoing\npresident of the condo association.\n\nthis is Jack and Doris, neigboors)\n\nMORTY\nAha!\n\nDORIS\nSo they arrived safely.\n\nMORTY\n(to Jerry) You remember Jack and Doris?\n\nJERRY\nNice to meet you. This is Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nHi. Nice to meet you.\n\nJACK\nSo Jerry, you came all the way down\nhere for this?\n\nELAINE\nAnd scuba diving.\n\nHELEN\nScuba diving? Who's going scuba diving?\n\nJERRY\nWe're going scuba diving. We'll be back\nin time.\n\nHELEN\nWhat do you have to go scuba diving\nfor?\n\nJERRY\nFor fun.\n\nHELEN\nFor fun?\n\nMORTY\nJack have some spong cake.\n\nJACK\nNo. thanks, no.\n\nMORTY\nJack is emceeing tomorrow. He's in charge\nof the whole thing.\n\nJACK\nSo Jerry, your mother told me you're\ngonna do one your little comedy skit\ntommsorow?\n\nJERRY\nI don't think so.\n\nJACK\nNo? Listen Morty you wanna settle up\nfor last night? (Morty nods) All right.\nI owe you 19.45$ (he gets his checks\nbook and a pen from his pocket).\n\nMORTY\nWhat did you have? You had the minute\nsteak?\n\nJACK\nYeah.\n\nMORTY\nDid you have a coke or what?\n\nJACK\nI did NOT have a coke.\n\nMORTY\nSomebody had a coke.\n\nHELEN\nOh I had a coke.\n\nDORIS\nAnd I had the scampi.\n\nJACK\nSo that's 17.10$ and the tax and the\ntip.\n\nMORTY\nAll right. Make it 20 bucks.\n\nJACK\nIt's: 19.45$, Morty. (he gives him the\ncheck)\n\nMORTY\n19.45$ ?\n\nJACK\nSee? You know your father. He can't\nget a write to the penny, but that's\nwhy he was such a good president.\n\n(Jerry notices Klompus's pen)\n\nJERRY\nWhat kind of pen is that?\n\nJACK\nThis pen?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nJACK\nThis is an astronaut pen. It writes\nupside down. They use this in space.\n\nJERRY\nWow! That's the astronaut pen. I heard\nabout that. Where did you get it?\n\nJACK\nOh it was a gift.\n\nJERRY\nCause sometimes I write in bed and I\nhave to turn and lean on my elbow to\nmake the pen works.\n\nJACK\nTake the pen.\n\nJERRY\nOh no.\n\nJACK\nGo ahead.\n\nJERRY\nI couldn't\n\nJACK\nCome on, take the pen!\n\nJERRY\nI can't take it.\n\nJACK\nDo me a personal favor!\n\nJERRY\nNo, I'm not...\n\nJACK\nTake the pen!\n\nJERRY\nI cannot take it!\n\nJACK\nTake the pen!\n\nJERRY\nAre you sure?\n\nJACK\nPositive! Take the pen!\n\nJERRY\nO.K. Thank you very much. Thank you.\nGee, boy!\n\nHELEN\nJack, what are you doing?\n\nJACK\nStop it!\n\nDORIS\nJack, we should go. (they go to the\ndoor) It was nice to meeting you.\n\nELAINE\nMmm, nice to meet you.\n\nJERRY\nThanks again.\n\nJACK\nCome on!\n\nDORIS\n(to Morty) She's adorable. (they leave)\n\nHELEN\n(as soon as the door's closed) What\ndid you take his pen for?\n\nJERRY\nWhat he gave it to me.\n\nHELEN\nYou didn't have to take it.\n\nMORTY\nOh my God! She's gotta make a big deal\nout of everything.\n\nJERRY\nHe offered it to me.\n\nHELEN\nBecause you made such a big fuss about\nit.\n\nJERRY\nI liked it. Should I have said I didn't\nlike it?\n\nHELEN\nYou shouldn't have said anything. What\ndid you expect him to do? (the camera\nshows Elaine shaking her head at their\ndispute)\n\nJERRY\nHe could have said: \"Thank you, I like\nit too\" and put it back in his pocket.\n\nHELEN\nHe loves that pen.\n\nMORTY\nOh come on!\n\nHELEN\nHe talks about it all the time. Every\ntime he takes it out he goes on and\non about how it writes upside down,\nhow the astronauts use it.\n\nJERRY\nIf he likes it so much, he never should\nhave offered it.\n\nHELEN\nHe didn't think you'd accpet.\n\nJERRY\nWell, he was wrong.\n\nHELEN\nI know his wife. She has some mouth\non her. She'll tell everyone in the\ncondo now that you made him give you\nthe pen. They're talking about it right\nnow. (againe we see Elaine smiling at\ntheir argument)\n\nJERRY\nSo you want me to return it?\n\nHELEN\nYes.\n\nMORTY\nHe's not gonna return the pen. That's\nridiculous.\n\nJERRY\nHey I don't even want the pen now!\n\nMORTY\nJack can afford to give away a pen with\nall his money. Believe me. He gives\nme a check for 19.45. He didn't have\na Coke. Ho, ho, ho!\n\nELAINE\nHere, let me see it. (She takes a pad\nto try the pen) Hey, it wrtites upside\ndown.\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(condo's guest room)\n\n(Elaine is lying on the sofa bed. It's too hot. She can't fall\nasleep)\n\n(knock on door)\n\nELAINE\nCome in.\n\nJERRY\nAre you O.K. in here?\n\nELAINE\nWhy is it so hot in here? How can they\nsleep like this?\n\nJERRY\nIt's only for three days. Today's over\nand we have tommorow. We leave on Sunday.\nIt's one day, really.\n\nELAINE\nOh man. What is with this bar? It's\nright in my back. It's killing me.\n\nJERRY\nOh you wanna switch? I'm sleeping on\na love seat. I've got my feet up in\nthe air like I'm in a space capsule.\n\nELAINE\nI am never gonna fall asleep.\n\nJERRY\nOh, don't say that. You'll jinx me.\n\nELAINE\nHow can they not put the air conditioning\non?\n\nJERRY\nThey're nuts with temperature.\n\nELAINE\nThis bar is right in my back! It's making\na dent.\n\nJERRY\nHow about that guy writing a check for\n19.45?\n\nELAINE\nI'm sweating here. I'm in bed, sweating.\n\nJERRY\nIt's one day. Half a day, really. I\nmean you substract showers and meals,\nit's like twenty minutes. It will go\nby like that. (snapping his fingers)\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(condo, morning)\n\n(Jerry and Morty are sitting at the table, Helen is at the counter.\nElaine's still sleeping? Well, she's still in the guest room.)\n\nMORTY\nStay on 95 South to Biscayne Boulevard.\nThen you make a left turn. Put you blinker\non immediatly, there's an abutment there.\nThen you're gonna merge over very quickly,\nbut stay on Biscayne. Don't get off\nBiscayne. You understand me?\n\nJERRY\nStay on Biscayne.\n\nHELEN\nYou're going underwater?\n\nJERRY\nYes. Generally that's where scuba diving\nis done.\n\nHELEN\nWhat do you have to go underwater for?\nWhat's down there that's so special?\n\nJERRY\nWhat's so special up here?\n\n(Elaine open the guest room's door and she's in pain)\n\nELAINE\nOh!\n\n(everybody get up and walk to her)\n\nHELEN\nWhat's the matter?\n\nELAINE\nMy back.\n\nHELEN\nWhat happened?\n\nELAINE\nThat... That bed. The bar was right\nin my back.\n\nHELEN\n(to Jerry) I told you to let us sleep\nin there.\n\nJERRY\nThen YOU would be hunched over.\n\nELAINE\nI don't even know if I can go scuba\ndiving.\n\nJERRY\nYou can't go?\n\nHELEN\nSo stay home.\n\nELAINE\nYou can go.\n\nJERRY\nWithout you? That's the whole reason\nyou came down here.\n\nHELEN\nDon't go.\n\nJERRY\nYou sure?\n\nMORTY\nMaybe you should see a doctor.\n\nJERRY\nWe'll stay in a hotel tonight.\n\nELAINE\n(whispering to Jerry) Yes!\n\nHELEN\nNo, we'll stay in there.\n\nJERRY\nWhy don't you get a new sofa?\n\nMORTY\nNobody uses it.\n\nJERRY\nI'm buying you a new sofa.\n\nHELEN\nOh Jerry, don't talk crazy.\n\nELAINE\nMrs Seinfeld, please. I am begging you.\nPut the air conditioner on.\n\nHELEN\nYou're hot?\n\nELAINE\nI've lost 6 pounds.\n\nHELEN\nI don't even know how to work it.\n\nMORTY\nI keep telling her it's like an oven\nin here.\n\n(Evelyn, a neighboor, enters)\n\nEVELYN\nIs everybody up?\n\nJERRY\nHi. How are you?\n\nEVELYN\nHello Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nEvelyn, this is Elaine.\n\nELAINE\n(with pain) Hi Evelyn.\n\nEVELYN\nJerry you got thin.\n\nJERRY\nToo thin?\n\nHELEN\nOh stop worrying so much about how you\nlook.\n\nEVELYN\nSo where's the new pen? (everybody's\nsurprised by this question)\n\nJERRY\n(Jerry scratches his head and acts like\nhe's not sure what she's talking about)\nWhat?\n\nEVELYN\nThe pen. The one Jack Klompus gave you.\n\nHELEN\nHow did you know that?\n\nEVELYN\nBlanche told me.\n\nHELEN\nBlanche?\n\nEVELYN\nThat's some good pen. It writes upside\ndown.\n\nELAINE\nThe astronauts use them.\n\nHELEN\nWhat did Blanche say?\n\nEVELYN\nI don't know. She said Jerry wanted\nthe pen.\n\nJERRY\nI never really wanted the pen.\n\nMORTY\nHe gave him the pen.\n\nHELEN\nMorty.\n\nEVELYN\nWhy you don't like the pen?\n\nJERRY\nNo, no, I...\n\nEVELYN\nCause if you don't like it, give it\nback to him.\n\nHELEN\nIs that what she said?\n\nEVELYN\nWho?\n\nHELEN\nBlanche.\n\nEVELYN\nWhat are you talking about?\n\n(The phone rings, Helen answers.)\n\nHELEN\nHello? Oh hello Gussy. What? Jerry wouldn't\ndo that. Jack gave it to him. All he\nsaid was he liked it. I mean nobody\nput a gun to his head. (to Jerry) You're\ngiving him back that pen. (She continues\nthe discussion with Gussy but we don't\nhear it.)\n\nELAINE\nSomebody please-- THE AIR CONDITIONER!\n\nMORTY\n(Morty gets up) Oh! I forgot all about\nit.\n\n(the phone conversation is over. Helen looks at Jerry.)\n\nJERRY\nAll I said was \"I like the pen\".\n\n(Morty looks at the control panel for the air conditioner)\n\nMORTY\nHow the hell do you work this thing?\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(still the condo, later)\n\n(Jerry's gone scuba diving. Elaine is lying on the floor with\npillows under her legs. Morty and Helen are on the couch, looking\nat Elaine. Helen is wearing a sweater and she's freezing)\n\nHELEN\nMaybe you shouldn't go tonight.\n\nELAINE\nNo no, I wanna go.\n\nHELEN\nBut your back hurts.\n\nMORTY\nMaybe a couple of muscle relaxers would\nhelp.\n\nELAINE\nOh, oh, O.K. (Helen holds her sweater\ntight against herself) You can turn\ndown the air conditioning if you want.\n\nHELEN\nNo. I'm fine.\n\nELAINE\nYou're not too cold?\n\nHELEN\nNo.\n\n(Jerry enters with a black eye)\n\nJERRY\nDon't be alarmed.\n\nMORTY\nOh my God! What the hell happened to\nyou?\n\nJERRY\nI'm O.K. My capillaries burst.\n\nHELEN\nYour capillaries? Do you know what you\nlook like?\n\nJERRY\n(to Elaine on the floor) How are you\ndoing?\n\nELAINE\nHaving a good time!\n\nJERRY\nIs it my imagination or is it freezing\nin here?\n\nHELEN\nWhat happened to your eyes?\n\nJERRY\nWell I started to go under...\n\nHELEN\nWith the instructor?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, and I got about ten feet down\nand I felt this tremendous pressure\non my mask. Like my eyeballs were being\nsucked out of their sockets.\n\nHELEN\nI told you...\n\n(Jack enters, all dressed-up, smoking a cigar)\n\nJACK\nExcuse me. (to Helen) Doris would like\nto borrow red your pocketbook to go\nwith her shoes. (to Elaine on the floor)\nThe shoes have to match the pocketbook.\n(to the others) What's she doing? Yoga?\n\nELAINE\nMy back hurts.\n\nJACK\nMorty you gotta hurry up. Get ready.\n\nMORTY\nWe got plenty of time.\n\nJACK\n(to Jerry) What happened to you?\n\nJERRY\nI got in a fist fight with one of the\nladies at the pool.\n\nHELEN\nIt's from scuba diving.\n\nJACK\nWhat's there to see underwater?\n\ngive him back the pen)\n\nJERRY\nListen M. Klompus, it was really a nice\ngesture of you to give me the pen, but\nI don't really need it.\n\nJACK\nYou what?\n\nJERRY\nI mean it's a terrific pen, but I think\nyou should keep it. (he tends the pen\nto Jack)\n\nJACK\nWell I mean...\n\nJERRY\nTake it.\n\nJACK\nAll right! (he smiles and take it)\n\n(Morty gets up and walks right to Jack)\n\nMORTY\nYou know Jack, you've got a hell of\na nerve taking that kid's pen.\n\nJACK\nWhose pen?\n\nMORTY\nHis pen.\n\nJACK\nThis happens to be my pen.\n\nMORTY\nYou didn't give it to him.\n\nJACK\nWhat are you talking about? He pratically\nbegged me for it.\n\nMORTY\nWhere do you come off with this crap?\n\nJACK\nListen, do you think I take everything\neverybody offers me? You offered me\nsponge cake yesterday. Did I take it?\n\nMORTY\nYou said you didn't want it!\n\nJACK\nOf course I wanted it! I love sponge\ncake!\n\nMORTY\nThen who the hell said you couldn't\nhave any? I mean what the hell do I\ncare whether you have sponge cake?\n\n(Jerry and Elaine can't beleive what they're hearing)\n\nJACK\nBecause I saw the look on your face\nlast week when I took the scotch tape!\n\nMORTY\nAhh! Ahh! So YOU got the scotch tape!\nI've been looking all over for it!\n\nJACK\nDon't worry about it! I'll give it back!\n\nMORTY\nI don't want it!\n\nJACK\nI don't want it!\n\nMORTY\nYou know Jack, do me a favor will you?\nTake the pen and the scotch tape, and\nget the hell out of here!\n\nJACK\nListen do you think I give a damn?\n\nMORTY\nAah! (Jack leaves) The nerve of that\nguy! Taking back that pen. Well that'it\nfor them.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is going on in this community!\nAre you people aware of what's happening?\nWhat is driving you to this behavior?\nIs it the humudity? Is it the Muzak?\nIs it the white shoes?\n\nHELEN\nI have no use for either one of them.\nI don't even want them there tonight.\n(she still has the pocketbook in her\nhands)\n\nJERRY\nIsn't he supposed to be the emcee?\n\nMORTY\nyeah, he's supposed to be the emcee.\n\nJERRY\nWell. This should be a very interesting\nevening.\n\nELAINE\n(still on the floor) Uh... What about\nthose muscle relaxers?\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(reception room, evening)\n\n(Morty, Helen, Elaine and Jerry are standing for a photograph\nin the entrance. Jerry wears sunglasses and Elaine is all drugged-up\non muscle relaxers.)\n\nPHOTOGRAPHER\nSay astronaut.\n\n(Elaine is laughing for nothing and she walks right up to the\nlens of the camera.)\n\nELAINE\nSay what? (laughing) Say what?\n\nJERRY\n(Jerry brings her back) You took too\nmany of those pills.\n\nMORTY\nAstronaut?\n\nHELEN\nSay it.\n\nELAINE\n(still laughing, she says it just as\nthe picture is taking) Astro...naut!\n\n(the image frozes and we see that the picture is awful, with\nJerry and his sunglasses, and Elaine laughing who can barely\nstand.)\n\nMORTY\nGood. O.K. (the photographer walks away)\nWhat about last year when I took him\nto the hospital every day? Did he ever\nsay thank you?\n\nJERRY\nOh God. (foreseeing an arm's grabbing\nas he sees Uncle Leo entering with his\nwife Stella)\n\nJERRY\n(to Leo) Uncle Leo.\n\nLEO\nHello!\n\nSTELLA\nMorty are you nervous?\n\nMORTY\nWhat nervous?\n\nLEO\n(to Jerry while he's grabbing his arm\nas usual) What's with the sunglasses?\nWho are you? Van Johnson?\n\nJERRY\nI've got a black eye.\n\nSTELLA\n(to Elaine in a childish voice) Hello.\n\nJERRY\nElaine, this is my aunt Stella.\n\nHELEN\n(shouting as she imitates Marlon Brando)\nSTELLA! STELLA!\n\nJERRY\n(to Stella) Her back hurts.\n\nSTELLA\nHumm... We saw you on \"The Tonight Show\"\nlast week.\n\nLEO\nI thought Johnny was very rude to you.\nHe didn't even let you talk.\n\nJERRY\nNo, no.\n\nLEO\nYou need some new material. I've heard\nyou do that dog routine three times\nalready.\n\nELAINE\n(still with her imitation, shouting\neven louder) STELLA! STELLA!\n\nLEO\nListen, you should get your cousin Jeffrey\nto write some material for you.\n\nMORTY\nWhat are you talking? Jeffrey works\nfor the parks department!\n\nLEO\nYou should read the letters he's written.\nHe's funnier than the whole bunch of\nyou! (Jack enters with Doris) Oh, here's\nJack. We should sit down.\n\n(Jack and Morty exchange a look.)\n\nSTELLA\n(to Helen on a sarcastic tone of voice)\nThis better be good. I'm missing \"Golden\nGirls\" for this.\n\nHELEN\n(laughing hypocritically till Stella\nwalks away) I hate her like poison.\n\n\"Jack let's get started!\" Everyone applause\nand we see, from left to right, all\nsitting on the same side of a long table,\nfacing the public: Stella, Leo, Elaine,\nJerry, Helen, Morty, Jack at the microphone,\nDoris, and four other people.)\n\nJACK\n(on the microphone) Ladies and gentlemen,\nas you know, every year, Phase Two of\nthe Pines of Mark Gables honors the\nprevious year president. And this year\nwe are honoring Morty Seinfeld (the\ncrowd applause and someone yells: Morty!)\nA man who slept more hours on the job\nthan Ronald Reagan.\n\nMORTY\n(to Helen) Slept on the job? (she shushed\nhim)\n\nJACK\nBeing president of the condo is not\neasy. It requires hard work, dedication,\nand commitment, and unfortunately he\npossesses none of these qualities. (everyone\nlaugh except Jerry, Helen, and Morty.\nEven Elaine who's still druggy)\n\nHELEN\n(Morty complains again to Helen) He's\njoking.\n\nJACK\nHis administration did excel in one\ndepartment: the hiring of incompetents.\n\nMORTY\n(to Jack, loud) That's what you say.\n\nJACK\nBut we do owe him a debt of gratitude\nbecause by not fixing the crack in the\nsidewalk, he put Mrs Ziven out of commission\nfor a few weeks. (Morty is now the only\none not laughing)\n\nMORTY\n(loud) Tell them when you took my son's\npen back. Tell them about that! (he\ngets up)\n\nJERRY\nDad!\n\nMORTY\n(to the crowd) He gave my son a pen,\nand then he takes it back. Tell them\nabout that!\n\nJACK\nHe gave it to me!\n\nMORTY\nCome on. That's enough, sit down!\n\nJACK\nI'm not sitting down!\n\n(they start to fight. Morty tries to get the microphone off Jack'\nhands. He yells to Jack to give him the pen. Jerry gets up and\ntries to separate them. We hear a feedback from the microphone\nand they stop to fight)\n\nJACK\nOw! You broke my dental plate! (Jack\nis touching his dental plate while Morty\nreaches in Jack's pocket to get the\npen) Doris! He broke my dental plate.\nYou son-of-a-bitch! I'm gonna sue you.\n(he leaves the table and Morty follows\nhim and continue arguing with him. Jerry\nnow have the microphone in his hands\nand the crowd begins to think the ceremony\nis over.)\n\nHELEN\nJerry, do your act.\n\nJERRY\n(in the microphone, but to Helen) I\ncan't. Nobody's even listening.\n\nHELEN\nThey're all gonna leave.\n\nJERRY\n(to himself) Oh God! (in the microphone)\nhuh... Hey! How you folks doing tonight?\n(everybody in the crowd is talking over\nJerry)\n\nMAN IN THE CROWD\nWho are you?\n\nJERRY\n(still with his sunglasses) Have you\never noticed how they always give you\nthe peanuts on the planes?\n\nWOMAN IN THE CROWD\n(to heckle Jerry) Not my Harry. He flies\nfirst class.\n\n(Elaine is almost asleep at the table)\n\nJERRY\nWho ever thought the first thing somebody\nwants on a plane is a peanut?\n\nMAN IN THE CROWD\nI'd rather have a bottle of scotch!\n\nHELEN\n(to Jerry) Do the dog routine.\n\nJERRY\nAll I said was I liked the pen!\n\nELAINE\n(wakes up and yells very loud) STELLA!\n\n(Everybody stops talking and put their hands on their ears)\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(condo, morning)\n\n(Elaine is sitting on the couch and a chiro is examining her.\nJerry's sitting next to her. Helen is standing beside them and\nMorty is still asleep in the guest room)\n\nCHIROPRACTOR\nYou could aggravated. I wouldn't go\nanywhere for at least five days.\n\nELAINE\nFive days? You want me to stay here\nfor five more days?\n\nJERRY\nThere must be some mistake.\n\nCHIROPRACTOR\nI'm afraid not.\n\nELAINE\n(discouraged) Five days. Here.\n\nHELEN\n(to Jerry, happily) So we have you for\nfive more days!\n\nJERRY\n(to Elaine) Well there's really no point\nin me staying. I mean you just gonna\nbe...\n\nELAINE\nExcuse me?\n\nJERRY\nNothing.\n\n(Evelyn enters)\n\nEVELYN\nGood morning.\n\nJERRY\nHi Evelyn.\n\nEVELYN\n(to Helen) Has Morty decided on a lawyer\nyet?\n\nHELEN\nI don't think so.\n\nEVELYN\nBecause my nephew Larry could do it.\nHe's a brilliant lawyer. He says Jack\nhas no case.\n\nHELEN\nI'll ask him when he gets up.\n\nEVELYN\nOh, and I spoke to Arnold. And he says\nthat according to the bylaws of the\ncondo constitution, they need six votes\nto throw you out for unruly behavior.\nNot five. Doctor Chernov is the one\nyou'll have to suck up to.\n\n(Morty gets up in a bad shape)\n\nMORTY\nAw! Aw! Oh my back! Oh my back! It's\nthat bar. Who the hell could sleep on\nthat thing?\n\nHELEN\nI was very comfortable.\n\nEVELYN\nMorty, Arnold says they need six votes\nto throw you out.\n\nHELEN\nIt's in the constitution.\n\nMORTY\n(to the chiro) Who are you?\n\nCHIROPRACTOR\nI'm a chiropractor.\n\nMORTY\nWhat are you kidding me?\n\nELAINE\n(to Jerry) Five more days?\n\nJERRY\nWell today's almost over. And weekdays\nalways go by fast. Friday we're leaving.\nIt's like two days really. It's like\na cup of coffee. It will go by like\nthat. (snapping his fingers)\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(night club, closing monologue)\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Dog.html",
    "text": "THE DOG\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nSo I'm on the plane, we left late. Pilot says we're going to\nbe making up some\n\ntime in the air. I thought, well isn't that interesting. We'll\njust make up\n\ntime. That's why you have to reset your watch when you land.\nOf course, when\n\nthey say they're making up time, obviously they're increasing\nthe speed of the\n\naircraft. Now, my question is if you can go faster, why don't\nyou just go as\n\nfast as you can all the time? C'mon, there's no cops up here,\nnail it. Give it\n\nsome gas! We're flying!\n\nNew scene. Jerry is on an airplane, seated beside a talkative\n(and inebriated)\n\nman.\n\nGAVIN\nTravelling, of course, is the best education.\nDo you know last year I\n\nwas in over forty, forty-five countries, and I would have gone\nto more but I had\n\njust got a puppy, and he was too young to take with me. But now\nI won't travel\n\nwithout him.\n\nJERRY\nIs he on the plane now?\n\nGAVIN\nOh yes. Yes, he's in the, he's in the\nbaggage compartment. I don't\n\nknow why they won't let him sit up here with me. He's a lot better\nbehaved than\n\nmost of the dregs you find onboard here. Do you, do you have\nany pets?\n\nJERRY\nUh, just my next door neighbor.\n\nGAVIN\nYou're missing out on a relationship\nthat could enrich your life in ways\n\nthat you never could have thought possible.\n\nJERRY\nHowbout picking up their, you know.\nYou find that enriching?\n\nGavin leans back in his seat wearing a pained expression.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's the matter?\n\nGAVIN\nOh, I'm feeling a bit queasy.\n\nCut to external shot of the plane in flight, then back into the\ncabin where\n\nflight attendants are tending to Gavin, who is lying on the floor.\n\nATTENDANT #1\nSir, we're gonna make an emergency landing\nin Chicago and get you\n\nto a hospital.\n\nGAVIN\nMy dog. What about my dog?\n\nATTENDANT #1\nUh, you have a dog?\n\nATTENDANT #2\nDo you know anyone on the plane, Mr.\nPalone?\n\nJerry stares out the window.\n\nGAVIN\nJerry?\n\nJERRY\nHuh? How you feeling?\n\nGAVIN\nWould you take care of Farfel?\n\nJERRY\nFarfel?\n\nATTENDANT #2\nIt's his dog. We're landing in Chicago\nto get him to a hospital,\n\ncould you take his dog to New York?\n\nJERRY\nThe dog? The dog??\n\nGAVIN\nI'm sure it's only for a day or two.\n\nJERRY\nBut, you know, what if, you know?\n\nGAVIN\nGive me your address and phone number,\nI'll call you.\n\nJERRY\nThe dog?\n\nNew scene. Jerry's apartment, he's got all of his furniture up\nand there's a\n\nloud incessant barking coming from the bedroom. Jerry and Farfel\nare playing\n\n'tug of war' with one of Jerry's sneakers. Elaine is in the kitchen.\n\nJERRY\nLet go, Farfel! Let go, gimme that!\nGimme the sneaker you stupid\n\nidiot! Shut up! (to Elaine) So what would you do?\n\nELAINE\nWell it's only been three days, I'm\nsure he's gonna call.\n\nJERRY\nSTOP IT! SHUT UUUUUUP!!! (to Elaine)\nDo you believe this?\n\nDo you believe what I'm dealing with here, I've got a wild animal\nin the house!\n\nHe's deranged, maybe he's got rabies. I can get lockjaw.\n\nELAINE\nIf only.\n\nJERRY\nLook at this place. He's going everywhere,\nI can't go out of the house\n\nat night. I haven't performed in three days. This'll be my first\nnight out of\n\nthe house since I got back.\n\nELAINE\nHey, when you walk him, do ya...\n\nJERRY\nDo I what?\n\nELAINE\nDo you pick it up?\n\nJERRY\nYes, I pick it up.\n\nELAINE\nYou pick it up?!?\n\nJERRY\nWell you have to.\n\nELAINE\nOh, boy would I love to see that.\n\nJERRY\nSHUT UP!! Shut up Farfel, stop it! (to\nElaine) I don't know what to\n\ndo. I mean what if I take it to the pound then the guy shows\nup?\n\nELAINE\nMaybe you should call the airline, they\nmight know where he is.\n\nJERRY\nNo, I tried. they don't know anything.\n(notices Elaine making egg\n\ncreams) You gotta put the syrup in first.\n\nELAINE\nNo, milk.\n\nJERRY\nI'm telling you the guy's a drunk, he's\nprobably on a bender.\n\nELAINE\nWhat is a bender anyhow?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, they drink and they bend\nthings at the bar.\n\nELAINE\nI can't believe he hasn't called.\n\nJERRY\nTwo hundred seats on a plane, I gotta\nwind up next to Yukon Jack and his\n\ndog Cujo. Shut up! One more day and you are pound bound!\n\nKramer enters.\n\nKRAMER\nSorry, I can't watch the dog tonight.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nELAINE\nWe're going to the movies, we're gonna\nsee Prognosis Negative.\n\nKRAMER\nI can't, I gotta get this Ellen out\nof my life.\n\nJERRY\nYou're breaking up?\n\nKRAMER\nOh ho ho ho yeah, the sooner the better.\nI can't wait to do it. You\n\nknow how there's some people you worry about whether you're going\nto hurt their\n\nfeelings? With her, I'm looking forward to it. I'd like to get\nit on video,\n\nwatch it in slow motion and freeze frame it. Oh ho, yeah.\n\nELAINE\nKramer, I don't know how you lasted\nas long as you did.\n\nKRAMER\nWoah, you didn't like her?\n\nELAINE\nIf you could see her personality it\nwould be like one of the Elephant\n\nMan exhibits, you know where they pull off the sheet and everyone\ngasps.\n\nJERRY\nI can't believe someone hasn't killed\nher yet.\n\nKRAMER\nHow come you never said anything?\n\nJERRY\nYou can't tell someone how you feel\nabout their girlfriend until after\n\nthey stop seeing them.\n\nKRAMER\nI tell you.\n\nJERRY\nYou. I'm talking about people.\n\nELAINE\nAre we still going to the movies tonight?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I can't I gotta watch Farfel, you\nand George can go without me.\n\nELAINE\nJust me and George?\n\nJERRY\nSure.\n\nELAINE\nBut we need you.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you need me for?\n\nJerry's buzzer buzzes.\n\nELAINE\nBecause... Yeah?\n\nGEORGE\nPrognosis Negative!\n\nElaine buzzes George into the building.\n\nELAINE\nBecause I relate to George through you,\nwe're like friends-in-law.\n\nBesides, you said we were gonna see Prognosis Negative together.\nCan't you just\n\nput some newspapers down or something?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I can't trust him, he gets insane.\nI won't enjoy myself. That's\n\nright, Farfel, I'm talking about you!\n\nELAINE\nJust me and George alone?\n\nGeorge enters.\n\nGEORGE\nLet's go, people, let's go! It's Prognosis\nNegative time, wa ha ha\n\nha!!!\n\nJERRY\nI can't go.\n\nGEORGE\nCan't go, Why not?\n\nJERRY\nBecause I have to watch idiot Farfel.\n\nGEORGE\nI thought Kramer was watching.\n\nJERRY\nHe's breaking up with his girlfriend\ntonight.\n\nGEORGE\nWell so what's the problem, you just\nput some newspaper down.\n\nJERRY\nNo, I don't want that smell in the house.\n\nGEORGE\nYou spritz a little Lysol on it.\n\nJERRY\nNo, it's like BO and cologne, they combine\nforces into some kind of\n\nstrange mutant funk.\n\nGEORGE\nSo we're not going?\n\nJERRY\nNah. You two go.\n\nGEORGE\nOh. You still wanna go?\n\nELAINE\nDo you?\n\nGEORGE\nIf you want.\n\nELAINE\nIt's up to you.\n\nJERRY\nGo ahead.\n\nELAINE\nWell, it's, I really wanted to see Prognosis\nNegative with Jerry, uh,\n\nyou wanna see Ponce de Leon?\n\nGEORGE\nPonce de Leon? Okay. (to Jerry) You\nsure you don't wanna go?\n\nJERRY\nI want to but I can't.\n\nELAINE\nOh! I tell you what. How about if I\ncome back here first and I clean\n\neverything up and I open up the windows and if you're still not\nsatisfied we can\n\nswitch apartments for the night.\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about this--\n\nJERRY\nForget it. Go ahead, you'll have a good\ntime.\n\nELAINE\nI know, it's not that.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's just we want you to go.\n\nJERRY\nWell, thank you very much. I'm telling\nyou, one more day stinkbreath!\n\nOn my block, a lot of people walk their dogs, and I always see\nthem walking\n\nalong with their little poop bags, which to me is just the lowest\nfunction of\n\nhuman life. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're\ngonna think\n\nthe dogs are the leaders. If you see two life forms, one of them's\nmaking a\n\npoop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume\nwas in charge?\n\nNew scene.\n\nGeorge and Elaine are at the coffee shop after seeing Ponce De\nLeon. They're\n\nobviously uncomfortable alone together.\n\nGEORGE\nSo how long did you live there?\n\nELAINE\nAbout three years.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's pretty long.\n\nELAINE\nHmm.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's not that long, really.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. An uncomfortable silence ensues.\nThey both speak at the same\n\ntime, then stop. Another silence.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd then you came here.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. So I've been here about six years.\n\nGEORGE\nEighty-six, eighty-seven, eighty-eight,\n\neighty-nine, ninety, ninety-one... Yup.\n\nNew scene.\n\nJerry vs. Farfel, part II\n\nJERRY\nBad dog! Bad dog! You go outside! Outside!!\nWhat do you want from\n\nme? Tell me! Money, you want money? I'll give you money, how\nmuch?!\n\nNew scene.\n\nKramer is breaking up with his girlfriend.\n\nKRAMER\nI must have been out of my mind. Look\nat you. Why don't you do\n\nsomething with your life? Sit around here all day, you contribute\nnothing to\n\nsociety. You're just taking up space. How could I be with someone\nlike you?\n\nCouldn't respect myself.\n\nNew scene.\n\nMonk's, Elaine and George are as bored as before.\n\nGEORGE\nI like herbal tea.\n\nElaine yawns.\n\nGEORGE\nChamomile's good. Lemon Lift. Almond\nPleasure.\n\nELAINE\nJerry likes Morning Thunder.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry drinks Morning Thunder?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nMorning Thunder has caffeine in it,\nJerry doesn't drink caffeine.\n\nELAINE\nJerry doesn't know Morning Thunder has\ncaffeine in it.\n\nGEORGE\nYou don't tell him?\n\nELAINE\nNo. And you should see him, man, he\ngets all hyper, he\n\ndoesn't even know why, he loves it! He walks around, going, \"God,\nI feel\n\ngreat!\"\n\nGEORGE\nYou don't tell him?\n\nELAINE\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nThat is so funny!\n\nELAINE\nI know!\n\nGEORGE\nWait, have you ever seen him throw up?!\n\nThey both make the same convulsive gestures together and break\nout in more\n\nlaughter.\n\nNew scene.\n\nKramer has had a change of heart.\n\nKRAMER\nPlease! Please!! I take it all back,\neverything! I take it all back,\n\nevery word! I love you! I love *you*! I can't live without you,\nI'll do\n\nanything!\n\nNew scene.\n\nJerry's at his apartment, on the phone, Farfel is barking.\n\nJERRY\nThat's right, Gavin Palone. What? Are\nyou sure? He was released on\n\nMonday? *Last* Monday? Did he leave a phone number or address?\nUnbelievable.\n\nWell thank you, thanks, thanks very much. (Hangs up) That's it,\nFarfel!\n\nParty's over! Start packing up your little squeeze toys buddy\nboy, you're\n\nchecking out!\n\nNew scene.\n\nJerry and Elaine are cleaning Jerry's apartment.\n\nELAINE\nIt was weird because George and I get\nalong so great in so many\n\nsituations but this is the first time we ever really went one-on-one.\n\nJERRY\nOh, one-on-one's a whole different game.\nCan't pass off.\n\nELAINE\nThe only time it wasn't uncomfortable\nwas when we were making fun of\n\nyou.\n\nJerry (answering phone) Hello? Aha! Boy George, about time. Beautiful,\nhow\n\nsoon? Okay, here's the plan. We take the dog to the pound, we\ngo right to the\n\nmovies. Right, you, me and Elaine. Yes, all three of us. I am\ngoing. Okay,\n\nsee you in five minutes.\n\nJerry hangs up the phone and begins singing and dancing.\n\nJERRY\nGoing to the dog pound, everybody! Going\nto the dog pound, come on\n\ndown. (To Elaine) What?\n\nELAINE\nDo you have to?\n\nJERRY\nWhat am I supposed to do? I don't want\nto do it. I like dogs. I'm not\n\nsure this is a dog.\n\nELAINE\nYou know, the guy might have just lost\nyour number.\n\nJERRY\nI'm in the book and I have a machine.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, do you know what they do to dogs\nat the pound? They keep them\n\nthere for a week and then if nobody claims them, they kill them.\n\nJERRY\nReally? How late are they open?\n\nKramer enters.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nWhat is it?\n\nKRAMER\nI went back with Ellen.\n\nJERRY AND ELAINE\nOhhhhh, that's great.\n\nELAINE\nTerrific.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I really think you guys are good\ntogether.\n\nELAINE\nYes, she understands you and she is\nnot demanding.\n\nKRAMER\nDo you think that I forgot what you\ntwo said about her?\n\nJERRY\nI was just trying to be supportive,\nyou know. I knew you were upset.\n\nKRAMER\nFrom now on when we pass each other\nin the hall, I don't know you, you\n\ndon't know me.\n\nELAINE\nOh, Kramer, we didn't mean it.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you doing?\n\nKRAMER\nI'm getting my pot.\n\nKramer grabs a put from under the counter and walks out.\n\nELAINE\nKramer, we like her.\n\nJERRY\nKramer? What did we say that's so bad?\n\nELAINE\nI believe I referred to her personality\nas a potential science exhibit.\n\nJERRY\nI said, \"How come no one's killed her?\"\nProbably shouldn't have said\n\nanything, everyone knows the first break-up never takes. (answers\nbuzzer)\n\nYeah?\n\nGEORGE\nPrognosis Negative!\n\nFarfel begins barking.\n\nJERRY\nOkay, Farfel, put your shoes on.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, can't you just give it one more\nday, it's not his fault.\n\nJERRY\nIt's not my dog, I don't know where\nthis boozehound is.\n\nELAINE\nAlright, I tell you what. How about\nif you and George go to the\n\nmovies, and I stay here and watch the dog tonight.\n\nJERRY\nI can't let you do that, what about\nPrognosis Negative?\n\nELAINE\nWe'll see it Sunday.\n\nGeorge enters.\n\nGEORGE\nTonight's the night, right? Prognosis\nNegative?\n\nELAINE\nI'm not going, I'm gonna watch the dog.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat does this mean?\n\nJERRY\nWell, we'll go see something else tonight.\nWe'll see, uh, Ponce De\n\nLeon.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat is with this dog, I thought we\nwere taking it to the pound.\n\nJERRY\nShe talked me into one more day. Talk\namongst yourselves, I'm gonna go\n\nto the bathroom.\n\nGEORGE\nUh Jerry, how long will you be in there?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, regular human time?\n\nGEORGE\nUh why don't you wait then go in the\nmovies?\n\nJERRY\nWhy shouldn't I go here?\n\nELAINE\nWell, you know, I mean, sometimes it's\ngood to get there and make sure\n\nyou get your seats and then go to the bathroom.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd isn't it more fun using the urinal?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah, urinals are fun. Can I go?!\n\nGEORGE\nHey, go.\n\nELAINE\nWho's stopping you?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, are you doing me a favor?\n\nELAINE\nLike we care if you go to the bathroom.\n\nElaine and George, left alone together are obviously uncomfortable.\n\nGEORGE\nHow's it going?\n\nELAINE\nGood. Good. You?\n\nGEORGE\nThings are good.\n\nAfter a pause, George starts whistling, then picks a chew toy\noff the floor and\n\nsqueezes it towards Elaine, making a squeaking sound.\n\nELAINE\nBoy, he takes such a long time.\n\nGEORGE\nI know.\n\nELAINE\nYou know what he does in there? He gargles.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry gargles? Is that why he takes\nso long?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, he does it like six times a day.\n\nGEORGE\nHow come we never hear him?\n\nELAINE\nBecause he does it quiet. He does it\nquiet. Lookit, Just like this,\n\nwatch.\n\nElaine gargles some water and they both break out in laughter.\n\nGEORGE\nWait, wait, did you ever see him throw\nup?!\n\nELAINE\nWe talked about that already.\n\nGEORGE\nOh.\n\nNew scene.\n\nJerry and George are in line outside the Cine 66 theater.\n\nGEORGE\nI have nothing to say to anybody. I'm\nso uninteresting. I think I'm\n\nout of conversation.\n\nJERRY\nSo what are calling me six times a day?\n\nGEORGE\nAll I know about is sports. That's it.\nNo matter how depressed I get,\n\nI could always read the sports section.\n\nJERRY\nI could read the sports section if my\nhair was on fire.\n\nGEORGE\nKnow what? Ponce De Leon is sold out.\n\nJERRY\nIt is? Oh yeah, you're right. What else\nis playing?\n\nGEORGE\nNothing except Prognosis Negative.\n\nJERRY\nBoy, I know she really wants to see\nthat with me.\n\nNew scene.\n\nElaine and Farfel are playing 'tug of war' with a jacket.\n\nELAINE\nGimme the jacket, furface, this is not\nSeinfeld you're dealing with!\n\nWhen I get through with you, you'll be begging to go to the pound!\n\nThe phone rings, Farfel begins barking.\n\nELAINE\nShut up. Shut up! (Answers phone) Hello?\nNo, who's calling? Oh my\n\ngod, the dog guy. Where have *you* been? Yeah, well you better\npick up your\n\ndog tonight or he has humped his last leg.\n\nCut back to Jerry and George.\n\nGEORGE\nI mean, I could understand if there\nwas something else playing, but\n\nit's this or nothing.\n\nJERRY\nI don't know what to do.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat is this 'saving movies' thing?\nSomething's playing, you go.\n\nJERRY\nI know, I know.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, what? We're gonna do nothing now,\nthis is crazy.\n\nJERRY\nIt is kind of silly.\n\nGEORGE\nOf course it is.\n\nJERRY\nI mean, it's just a movie, for god's\nsake.\n\nGEORGE\nExactly.\n\nJERRY\nIt's not like she's *in* the movie.\n\nGEORGE\nRight.\n\nJERRY\nAm I supposed to ruin the whole night\nbecause she wants to see it? I\n\nmean, if I could have seen it with her, fine. But I can't control\nall these\n\ncircumstances and schedules and peoples' availabilities at movies.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd she'll still see it, you're not\nstopping her from seeing it.\n\nJERRY\nHow does sitting next to a person in\na movie theater increase the level\n\nof enjoyment? You can't talk during a movie. You know, this is\nstupid, c'mon,\n\nlet's just go.\n\nGEORGE\nGood.\n\nJERRY\nSaving movies.\n\nGEORGE\nRidiculous!\n\nJERRY\nTwo for Prognosis Negative. I'm in trouble.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, you're dead.\n\nNew scene. Jerry's apartment, Gavin has come to collect his dog.\nFarfel is\n\nbarking as loud as ever.\n\nGAVIN\nBell's Palsy. The entire side of my,\nof, of my face was paralyzed.\n\nFarfel! I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't even feed myself,\nI was completely\n\nincapacitated. Quiet Farfel!\n\nJERRY\nYou know it's interesting, because I\ncalled the hospital and they said\n\nyou were released on Monday.\n\nGAVIN\nYes, yes, that's true, but then I was\ntaken to the Bell's Palsy Center\n\nin, in, in, in Rockford. Absolutely first rate facility, top\nnotch physicians.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, c'mon, c'mon, get off me!\n\nGAVIN\nHe won't hurt you, he's just playing.\n\nKRAMER\nHey you keep that mutt away from me.\n\nGAVIN\nMutt? I'll wager his parents are more\npure than yours.\n\nELLEN\nKramer, are you coming?\n\nJERRY\nOh, hi Ellen.\n\nELLEN\nGet in here.\n\nKramer sulks off.\n\nJERRY\nListen, it's really been a pleasure\ntaking care of your dog for a week,\n\nbut if you don't mind...\n\nGAVIN\nPre-prediction. You'll be calling me\nto ask if you can come and visit\n\nhim before the month is out.\n\nJERRY\nPrediction. I never see you or him again\nfor the rest of my life.\n\nFarfel barks very loudly and pulls Gavin into the hallway and\nout of Jerry's\n\napartment.\n\nNew scene.\n\nJerry and Elaine at in Jerry's apartment.\n\nELAINE\nWe made plans.\n\nJERRY\nWhy don't we just rent a movie?\n\nELAINE\nI thought you wanted to see Prognosis\nNegative.\n\nJERRY\nNo, it's supposed to be really bad,\n*really* bad. I mean it's long,\n\nthere's no story, it's so unbelievably boring, I heard.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, you promised me we'd go.\n\nJERRY\nWell, George told me the whole story,\nline for line, I mean I almost\n\nfeel like I've seen it already and walked out on it.\n\nELAINE\nWait, George saw the movie? I saw him\nyesterday, he didn't mention it.\n\nJERRY\nYou and George got together?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I wanted to talk about how we\nhave nothing to talk about.\n\nKramer enters.\n\nJERRY\nHello.\n\nKramer, Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's up?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you were right.\n\nJERRY\nAbout what?\n\nKRAMER\nEllen. We, uh, broke up again.\n\nJERRY\nToo bad.\n\nELAINE\nI thought she was the one.\n\nKRAMER\nI'll bring back the pot.\n\nELAINE\nOkay, c'mon it's movie time.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, what are you gonna see?\n\nJERRY\nPrognosis Negative.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, that's supposed to be great.\n\nJERRY\nIt's not.\n\nKRAMER\nHow do you know?\n\nJERRY\nI have an instinct for these things.\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nI had a parakeet when I was a kid, that was the only pet that\nI really enjoyed.\n\nWe used to let him out of his cage, and he would fly around and\nmy mother had\n\nbuilt, one entire wall of our living room was mirrored. She felt\nthis gives you\n\na feeling of space. Have you ever heard this interior design\nprinciple that a\n\nmirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What\nkind of a jerk\n\nwalks up to a mirror and goes, \"Hey look, there's a whole nother\nroom in there.\n\nThere's a guy in there looks just like me.\" But the parakeet\nwill fall for\n\nthis, you'll let him out of his cage, he flies around the room,\nBANG! With his\n\nlittle head, he would just go 'click' Ohh! And I'd always think,\neven if he\n\nthinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try\nto avoid hitting the other parakeet?\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Library.html",
    "text": "THE LIBRARY\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry Charles\n\n(JERRY'S APARTMENT)\n\nJERRY\nLet me speak with the head librarian.\n... Because it's absurd. An overdue\nbook\n\nfrom 1971? ... This is a joke right? What are you? From a radio\nstation?\n\nKRAMER\nenters\n\nJERRY\nYa' got me I fell for it. Alright, OK\nI can be down there in like a half hour.\n\nBye.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat's the problem?\n\nJERRY\nThis you're not goin' to believe. The\nNYPL says that I took out Tropic of\nCancer\n\nin 1971 and never returned it.\n\nKRAMER\nDo you know how much that comes to?\nThat's a nickel a day for 20 years.\nIt's\n\ngoing to be $50,000\n\nJERRY\nIt doesn't work like that.\n\nKRAMER\nIf it's a dime a day it could be $100,000\n\nJERRY\nIt's not going to be anything. I returned\nthe book. I remember it very vividly\n\nbecause I was with Sherry Becker. She waore this orange dress.\nIt was the first time I\n\never saw her in a dress like that. In oticed since ninth grade\nshe was developing this\n\nbody in secret under these loose clothes for like two years.\nAnd then one day ...\n\nFLASHBACK (to a beautiful buxom young Becky in an orange dress)\n\nJERRY\nThat orange dress is burned in my memory\n\nKRAMER\nOh, memory burn.\n\nJERRY\nI wonder what ever happened to her.\n\nKRAMER\nHow did they ever find you?\n\nJERRY\nOh, computers, they're cracking down\nnow on overdue books. The whole thing\nis\n\ncompletely ridiculous.\n\n(buzzer)\n\nJERRY\nIt's George. Wait 'til he hears we're\ngoing to the library\n\nKRAMER\nYou know I never got a library card.\n\nJERRY\n(to speaker) Coming down.\n\nKRAMER\nIt's all a bunch of cheapskates in there\nanyway. People sitting around reading\n\nthe newspaper attached to huge wooden sticks Trying to save a\nquarter, ooh,\n\nJERRY\nI gotta go to the library. You want\nto go?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah,\n\nLIBRARY\n\nKRAMER\nThe Dewey Decimal System, what a scam\nthat was. Boy that Dewey guy really\ncleaned\n\nup on that deal.\n\nJERRY\nWhere's George\n\nREADER\nShhh.\n\nKRAMER\nTryin' to save a quarter.\n\nJERRY\nI kinda like those sticks. I'd like\nto get them for my house.\n\nTURNING TO LIBRARY COUNTER\n\nJERRY\nThis woman's completely ignoring me.\n\nKRAMER\nLook at her. This is a lonely woman\nlooking for companionship.. ... Spinster.\n...\n\nMaybe a virgin. ... Maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She was\na schoolgirl. There was\n\na boy It didn't work out. Now she needs a little tenderness.\nShe needs a little understanding.\n\nShe needs a little Kramer.\n\nJERRY\nEventually a little shot of penicillin\n\nLIBRARIAN\nYes?\n\nJERRY\nYes I called before. I got his notice\nin the mail.\n\nLIBRARIAN\nOh, Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller,\nUh, this case has been turned over to\nour\n\nlibrary investigation officer Mr. Bookman.\n\nKRAMER\nBookman? The library investigator's\nname is actually, Bookman?\n\nLIBRARIAN\nIt's true.\n\nKRAMER\nThat's amazing. That's like an ice cream\nman named, Cone.\n\nLIBRARIAN\nLt. Bookman has been working here for\n25 years so I think he's heard all the\njokes.\n\nJERRY\nCan I speak with this Bookman?\n\nLIBRARIAN\nJust a second.\n\nGEORGE ENTERS, FRANTICALLY, TUGS AT JERRY'S JACKET\n\nGEORGE\nJerry,\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nI think I saw him. I think it's him.\n\nJERRY\nWho?\n\nGEORGE\nDid you see the homeless guy on the\nlibrary steps screaming obsenities and\ndoing some\n\ncalesthetics routine\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\nyeah\n\nGEORGE\nI think that's Mr. Hayman. ...The gym\nteacher from our High School.\n\nREADER\nShhh.\n\nJERRY\n(whispers) Are you sure?\n\nGEORGE\nHe's older, completely covered in filth,\nno whistle, but I think it's him.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge got him fired. He squealed on\nhim.\n\nKRAMER\nOoh tattle tale\n\nGEORGE\n(yells) I didn't tattle\n\nREADER\nShh Shh\n\nKRAMER\nWhat did this guy do? What happened?\n\nGEORGE\nThere was an incident. I'd rather not\ndiscuss it.\n\nKRAMER\nOh come on, You can tell me.\n\nGEORGE\nSome other time.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat tonight?\n\nLIBRARIAN WALKS BY\n\nKRAMER\nY'know I never figured you for a squealer.\n\nJERRY\nOh, he sang like a canary.\n\nLIBRARIAN\nMr. Bookman's not here.\n\nJERRY\nNot here? Why was I told to come down\nhere?\n\nLIBRARIAN\nHe'll be out all afternoon on a case.\n\nKRAMER\nHe's out on a case? He actually goes\nout on cases?\n\nJERRY\nWell what am I supposed to do now?\n\nLIBRARIAN\nI'll have Mr. Bookman get in touch with\nyou.\n\nJERRY\nAll right Thanks. Come on lets go\n\nGEORGE\nLet's see if it's Hayman?\n\nKRAMER\nHey, uh, I'll see you boys later. (TURNS\nTO LIBRARIAN) So uh, what's a guy got\nto do\n\naround here\n\nto get a library card?\n\nPENDANT PUBLISHING OFFICES\n\nELAINE\nWhere's Karen?\n\nSECRETARY\nShe went to pick up lunch.\n\nELAINE\nShe didn't ask me what I wanted.\n\nSECRETARY\nShe must have forgot.\n\nELAINE\nHow could she forget I've been ordering\nlunch every day here for 3 and a half\nyears?\n\nIs there something you're not telling me because I'm getting\na really weird vibe.\n\nIs Lippman getting rid of me? It's OK I won't say anything.\n\nSECRETARY\nI don't know anything.\n\nELAINE\nAh, you don't know anything. You see,\n\"I don't know anything\", means there's\n\nsomething to know. If you really didn't know anything you would\nhave said \"You're crazy.\"\n\nLIPPMAN ENTERS\n\nELAINE\nOh, hi Mr. Lippman.\n\nLIPPMAN\nElaine,\n\nELAINE\nUm, uh, I was wondering if you got a\nchance to look at that, um, biography\nof\n\nColumbus, I gave you?\n\nLIPPMAN\nYes I did. Yes I did. ... Maureen this\nwater is still too cold.\n\nELAINE\nIt's freezing. ... Hurts your teeth.\n\nAT MONKS\n\nELAINE\nI'm tellin' ya' somethin' is goin' on.\nHe never likes anything I recommend.\n\nAnd then that lunch thing.\n\nJERRY\nSo they forgot to get your lunch. Big\ndeal!\n\nELAINE\nWhat do you know. You've never worked\nin an office. (TURNS TO GEORGE) See,\n\nyou've worked in an office. Jerry thinks I'm over reacting but\nyou understand, ... LUNCH!\n\nGEORGE\nI don't understand lunch, I don't know\nanything about lunch. Listen. Just because\n\nI got the guy fired doesn't mean I turned him into a bum - does\nit?\n\nELAINE\nWhat did he do?\n\nGEORGE\nHe purposely mispronounced my name.\nInstead of saying, \"Costanza\" He'd say,\n\n\"Can't stand ja\".\n\n\"Can't stand ja\" ... He made me smell my own gym socks once.\n\nJERRY\nI remember he made you wear a jock on\nyour head for a whole class. And the\nstraps\n\nwere hangin' down by his,...\n\nGEORGE\nOK, OK, I never even had him for gym.\n\nJERRY\nI had him for Hygene. Remember his teeth.\nIt was like from an exhumed corpse.\n\nGEORGE\nLittle baked beans\n\nJERRY\nEchh\n\nELAINE\nCome on tell me what happened.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, OK. As I said the guy had it in\nfor me. He actually failed me in gym.\n\n... ME!\n\nFLASHBACK TO HIGH SCHOOL LOCKER ROOM\n\nGEORGE\n... Those spastic shnitzer twins ...\n\nHEYMAN\nCan't stand ja ... Can't stand ja\n\nGEORGE\nYes, Mr. Hayman\n\nHEYMAN\nYour underwear was stick'n out of your\nshorts during gym class.\n\nGEORGE\nWell I guess that's because I wear boxer\nshorts.\n\nHEYMAN\nBoxer shorts, ha? Well what brand?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm not really sure, I...\n\nHEYMAN\nWell let's take a look.\n\ngets a wedgie)\n\nBACK TO MONK'S\n\nGEORGE\nHe gave me a wedgie.\n\nJERRY\nHe got fired the next day.\n\nELAINE\nWhy do they call it a wedgie?\n\nGEORGE\nBecause the underwear is pulled up from\nthe back and ... it wedges in..\n\nJERRY\nThey also have an atomic wedgie. Now\nthe goal there is to actually get the\n\nwaistband on top of the head. Very rare.\n\nELAINE\nBoys are sick.\n\nJERRY\nWell what do girls do ?\n\nELAINE\nWe just tease some one 'til they develop\nan eating disorder.\n\nguy who ruined his life.\n\nKRAMER ENTERS\n\nKRAMER\nHey Babaloo, you better get home. You\nknow this guy Bookman from the library\n\nhe's waiting for ya.\n\nSTANDUP ROUTINE\n\nWhat's amazing to me about the library is it's a place where\nyou go in you can take\n\nout any book you whant they just give it to you and say bring\nit back when you're done.\n\nIt reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everbody had\nwhen they were a little\n\nkid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just\nbe his friend. That's\n\nwhat the library is. A government funded pathetic friend. And\nthat's why everybody\n\nkinds of bullies the library. I'll bring it back on time ...\nI'll bring it back late.\n\n... Oh, what are you going to do? Charge me a nickel?\n\nJERRY'S APARTMENT\n\nJERRY\nOh, I'm glad you're here, so we can\nget this all straightened out. Would\n\nyou like a cup of tea?\n\nBOOKMAN\nYou got any coffee?\n\nJERRY\nCoffee?\n\nBOOKMAN\nYeah. Coffee.\n\nJERRY\nNo, I don't drink coffee.\n\nBOOKMAN\nYeah, you don't drink coffee? How about\ninstant coffee?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I don't have--\n\nBOOKMAN\nYou don't have any instant coffee?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I don't normally--\n\nBOOKMAN\nWho doesn't have instant coffee?\n\nJERRY\nI don't.\n\nBOOKMAN\nYou buy a jar of Folger's Crystals,\nyou put it in the cupboard, you\n\nforget about it. Then later on when you need it, it's there.\nIt lasts\n\nforever. It's freeze-dried. Freeze-dried Crystals.\n\nJERRY\nReally? I'll have to remember that.\n\nBOOKMAN\nYou took this book out in 1971.\n\nJERRY\nYes, and I returned it in 1971.\n\nBOOKMAN\nYeah, '71. That was my first year on\nthe job. Bad year for libraries.\n\nBad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abby Hoffman\n\ntelling everybody to steal books. I don't judge a man by the\nlength of\n\nhis hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my\nbag. But\n\nyou put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public\n\nLibrary, fella.\n\nJERRY\nLook, Mr. Bookman. I--I returned that\nbook. I remember it very\n\nspecifically.\n\nBOOKMAN\nYou're a comedian, you make people laugh.\n\nJERRY\nI try.\n\nBOOKMAN\nYou think this is all a big joke, don't\nyou?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I don't.\n\nBOOKMAN\nI saw you on T.V. once; I remembered\nyour name--from my list. I looked\n\nit up. Sure enough, it checked out. You think because you're\na celebrity\n\nthat somehow the law doesn't apply to you, that you're above\nthe law?\n\nJERRY\nCertainly not.\n\nBOOKMAN\nWell, let me tell you something, funny\nboy. Y'know that little stamp,\n\nthe one that says \"New York Public Library\"? Well that may not\nmean\n\nanything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of\na lot.\n\nFlashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know\nwhat you're\n\nthinking. What's this guy making such a big stink about old library\n\nbooks? Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live\nwithout\n\nlibraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old\nto change\n\nthe world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book,\nright\n\nnow, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of\npee-pees\n\nand wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers?\n\nDoesn't HE deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue\n\nfines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about\nthat\n\nthat turns you on, Seinfeld; maybe that's how y'get your kicks.\nYou and\n\nis over. Y'got seven days, Seinfeld. That is one week!\n\n(Marion sneaks into Kramer's apartment behind Bookman's back\nas he opens Jerry's\n\ndoor to leave)\n\nKRAMER'S APARTMENT\n\nKRAMER\nWhat's wrong?\n\nMARION\nIt's Bookman the library cop.\n\nKRAMER\nSo I didn't do anything wrong.\n\nMARION\nI'm supposed to be atwork. I could get\nfired. I shouldn't have come here.\n\nKRAMER\nWhy don't ya' leave?\n\nMARION\nI can't.\n\nJERRY'S DOORWAY\n\nJERRY\nNo way I'm payin' that! I returned that\nbook I n 1971. I have a witness\n\nSherry Becker. She wore an orange dress. She gave me a piece\nof black jack gum.\n\nIt's a licorice gum. What do ya' think of next I remember it.\n\n(thinks out loud, opens phone book) Becker, ... Becker, ...\n\nIN MONKS WITH SHERRY\n\nSH\nKevin went to a public school, he's\nthe 14 year old? We were gonna' send\nMarsha\n\nto a private school. Cause in some way they don't learn ... enough\n... I think.\n\nJERRY\nSo Sherry, what do you remember about\nthat day at the library?\n\nSH\nI remember it like it was yesterday.\nIt was a Friday afternoon. I wore a\npurple dress.\n\nJERRY\nPurple? Ya' sure it wasn't orange?\n\nSH\nPositive. And I was chewin' Dentyne.\nI always chewed dentyne. Remember Jerry?\nDentyne?\n\nJERRY\nNo Black Jack?\n\nSH\nLicorice gum? Never! We were reading\npasages to each other from that Henry\nMiller book,\n\nJERRY\nTropic of Cancer.\n\nSH\nNo, Tropic of Capricorn\n\nJERRY\nTropic of Capricorn?\n\nSH\nRememba? What holds the world togetha'\n... \"As I have learned from bitter experience\n\nis sexual intercourse .\"\n\nJERRY\nWait a second. Wait a second. You're\nright. I had both of them.\n\nWe read from TROPIC OF CAPRICORN. I was all set to return TROPIC\nOF CANCER. And then ...\n\nFLASHBACK TO LOCKER ROOM\n\nJERRY\nHere's the book. Don't let anybody see\nit. Don't let anything happen to it.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, it's me, George, don't worry,\nI'll return it\n\nJERRY\nOk, I'll see you after school. I.m late\nfor Hayman's hygiene.\n\nBACK TO MONKS\n\nSH\nWhere ya' going?\n\nJERRY\nIt was nice seeing you again. I just\nremembered something. I've got to go.\n\n(to old man that enters)\n\nIt was GEORGE!\n\nLIBRARY\n\nKRAMER\nRead another poem.\n\nMARION\nPressed chest fleshed out west Might\nbe the saviour or a garden pest.\n\nKRAMER\nWow, that is great. You should be published.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, the library is kind of a cool\nplace when it's closed.\n\nMARIAN\nOh, yeah. You don't have to be quiet.\nListen to the echo: HELLO!\n\nKRAMER\nHELLO!\n\nMARIAN\nHELLO!\n\nKRAMER\nHELLO!\n\nMARIAN\nHELLO!\n\nBOOKMAN\nHello!\n\nMARIAN\nMr. Bookman.\n\nBOOKMAN\nI remember when the librarian was a\nmuch older woman: Kindly,\n\ndiscreet, unattractive. We didn't know anything about her private\nlife.\n\nWe didn't want to know anything about her private life. She didn't\nhave\n\nlibrary closes at five o'clock, no exceptions. This is your final\n\nwarning. Got that, kewpie-doll?\n\nJERRY'S APARTMENT\n\n(Jerry in bedroom)\n\nELAINE\nLippman want's to see me in his office\nSEE ME! That can't be good\n\nJERRY\nMaybe you're getting' a raise.\n\n(buzzer)\n\nELAINE\nMaybe I'm getting' a wedgie.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's George\n\nELAINE\nGeorge is on his way up.\n\nJERRY\nWait 'til I tell him about the book.\n\nKRAMER\n(reading) sobs\n\nELAINE\nAre you OK? What? What?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's marion's poetry. I can't take it\n(leaves sobbing)\n\nELAINE\nRemember that biography I recommended?\nMY BOSS HATED IT\n\n(Jerry enters).\n\nJERRY\nI'm right here.\n\nELAINE\nRemember that Columbus book?\n\nJERRY\nColumbus, Euro trash.\n\n(George enters)\n\nGEORGE\nWell, it's definetly him.\n\nELAINE\nHim? Him who?\n\nGEORGE\nHim who? Hayman him.\n\nELAINE\nHayman The gym teacher? You found him?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, I found him. He was sitting on the\nsteps of the library. I sat down\n\nnext to him. He smelled like the locker room after that game\nagainst Erasmus\n\nJERRY\nThat was double overtime.\n\nGEORGE\nSo I said, \"Mr. Hayman, It's me george\nCostanza, JFK, ... \" He doesn't move.\n\nSo I said uh, \"Can't stand ya'\", \"Can't stand ya'\" He turns and\nsmiles, the little\n\nbaked bean teeth. I get up to run away, but something was holding\nme back. It was\n\nHeyman. He had my underwear. There I was on the steps of the\n42nd St. library,\n\na grown man, getting a wedgie.\n\nELAINE\nAt least it wasn't atomic.\n\nGEORGE\nIt was.\n\nJERRY\nSo Georgie Boy, guess what happened\nto TROPIC OF CANCER\n\nGEORGE\nHow should I know?\n\nJERRY\nBecause I gave it to you.\n\nGEORGE\nMe?\n\nJERRY\nYesah, think. Don't you remember you\nkept begging me to see it then finally\n\nI agreed. You were supposed to return it. I met you in the gym\nlocker room.\n\nGEORGE\nThe locker room!\n\nTHE LOCKER ROOM\n\nJERRY\nHere's the book. Don't let anybody see\nit. Don't let anything happen to it.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, it's me, George, don't worry,\nI'll return it tomorrow, no problem.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, I'll see you after school.\nI.m late for Hayman's hygiene.\n\nHEYMAN\nCan't Stand Ya'.\n\nGEORGE\nYes Mr. Hayman.\n\nHEYMAN\nYour underwear was stick'n out of your\nshorts during gym class.\n\nGEORGE\nWell I guess that's because I wear boxer\nshorts.\n\nHEYMAN\nBoxer shorts, ha? Well what brand?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm not really sure, I...\n\nHEYMAN\nWell let's take a look.\n\n(George gets a wedgie and TROPIC OF CANCER falls on floor)\n\nLIBRARY\n\n( Jerry writes out a check for the never-returned TROPIC OF CANCER\nand hands it to Bookman)\n\nJERRY\nAnyway, I hope there's no hard feelings.\n\nBOOKMAN\nHard feelings? What do you know about\nhard feelings? Y'ever have a man\n\ndie in your arms? Y'ever kill somebody?\n\nJERRY\nWhat is your problem?\n\nBOOKMAN\nWhat's my problem? Punks like you, that's\nmy problem. And you better not\n\nscrew up again Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over\nyou like a\n\npitbull on a poodle.\n\nJERRY\n(after Bookman exits): That is one tough\nmonkey! (turns to Elaine)\n\nSo you were saying?\n\nELAINE\nOh? So, I took your suggestion and I\ngave my boss Marion's poems.\n\nThe ones that affected Kramer so much.\n\nJERRY\nOh, beautiful did he like them?\n\nELAINE\nNo, ... he didn't! No, ... he didn't!\n\nJERRY\n(to George) Was he out there?\n\nGEORGE\nNa, he's gone. I wonder what happened\nto him.\n\nJERRY\nI guess we'll never know.\n\nSOME BACK ALLEY\n\nHEYMAN\nCan't stand ya, (laughing) Can't stand\nya. (pan to TROPIC OF CANCER on ground)\n\nSTAND UP\n\nIt was a weird school day, you know what I mean because it kind\nof like started of kind\n\nof normal. You have like English, Geometry, Social Studies and\nthen suddenly you're like\n\nin Lord of The Flies for 40 minutes you know you're hangin' from\na rope. You have hardly\n\nany clothes on. Teachers are yellin' at ya' \"Where's your jock\nstrap?\" Ya' know and kids\n\nare throwin' dodge balls at you. You're tryin' to survive ...\nThen its History,\n\nScience, Language. There's something off in the entire flow of\nthat day.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Parking-Garage.html",
    "text": "THE PARKING GARAGE\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David\n\nINT. ESCALATOR - GOING DOWN TO A GARAGE.\n\nIN SINGLE FILE\nGEORGE, JERRY and ELAINE, WHO'S CARRYING\nA PLASTIC BAG WITH GOLDFISH, AND KRAMER\nWHO'S HAVING A ROUGH TIME WITH A LARGE,\nHEAVY BOX.\n\nGEORGE\nOne left...what a joke.\n\nKRAMER\nYou can have this one.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, that's not enough BTUs for my living\nroom...That was a complete waste of\ntime.\n\nELAINE\nHey, I didn't get one either.\n\nJERRY\nWhy do I always have the feeling that\neverybody's doing something better than\nme on Saturday afternoons?\n\nELAINE\nThis is what people do.\n\nJERRY\nNo they don't. They're out on some big\npicnic. They're cooking burgers. They're\nmaking out on blankets. They're not\nat some mall in Jersey watching their\nfriends trying to find the world's cheapest\nair-conditioner.\n\nGEORGE\nYou should see what my father used to\ngo through before he bought a car. He'd\ngo from state to state. He was away\nfor weeks at a time. It was like he\nwas running for President and he was\ngoing through the primaries. We'd get\nphone calls from motels in New Hampshire.\n\nELAINE\nSo we took a little ride. What's the\nbig deal?\n\nGEORGE\nWell at least you accomplished something.\nYou got fish.\n\nJERRY\nBig accomplishment. GEORGE Fish. What\ndo they do?\n\nELAINE\nWhat do you do?\n\nKRAMER\n(RE: CAR) It's this way.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat time is it?\n\nJERRY\nFive o'clock.\n\nGEORGE\nAlways late. Always late.\n\nJERRY\nYou're not late.\n\nGEORGE\nI told them to meet me in front of my\nbuilding at six-fifteen.\n\nELAINE\nWho?\n\nGEORGE\nMy parents. It's their anniversary.\nI'm taking them out to dinner and a\nshow tonight. You think we'll hit traffic?\n\nJERRY\nOf course we'll hit traffic. It's rush\nhour.\n\nELAINE\nIsn't it going the other way?\n\nJERRY\nThere is no other way in New York. Everybody\ngoes every way all the time.\n\nELAINE But it's Saturday. JERRY You got the picnic and burger\ntraffic. GEORGE I always get myself in this position. Can't be\non time. Gotta rush.\n\nKRAMER STOPS AND LOOKS AROUND.\n\nELAINE\nWhat's the matter?\n\nHE MUMBLES SOMETHING AND CONTINUES WALKING.\n\nJERRY\nI have to go to the bathroom. Why do\nthey hide the bathroom in these malls?\n\nKRAMER STUMBLES WITH THE AIR-CONDITIONER.\n\nJERRY\nYou want me to help you with that?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, I got it.\n\nAND HE STUMBLES AGAIN. JERRY SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.\n\nJERRY\n(TO GEORGE, RE:WOMAN) What do you think,\nGeorgie boy?\n\nGEORGE\nDid I need that pointed out for me?\nWhat is that going to do for me? How\ndoes that help me, to see her? I'm trying\nto live my life. Don't show me that.\n\nKRAMER\nIf you like her, go talk to her.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, right. I'll just go up and say,\n\"Hi, how ya' doing? Would you like a\nglass of white wine?\"\n\nJERRY\nBefore you got within twenty feet of\nthis woman, she'd have her finger on\nthe mace button. She's like an expensive\ncar with one of those motion-sensor\nforce field alarms. Any sudden movement\nin the area could set her off.\n\nKRAMER\nShe's fat.\n\nELAINE\nOh she's fat?\n\nKRAMER STOPS AGAIN, CONFUSED.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nWhere's the car?\n\nKRAMER\nI thought it was here.\n\nGEORGE\nYou don't know where we parked?\n\nKRAMER LOOKS AROUND, THEN RESUMES WALKING. THEY FOLLOW.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, this is great.\n\nKRAMER\nBlue-one. I thought it was blue-one.\n\nJERRY\nI thought it was green. I remember seeing\ngreen.\n\nELAINE\nI didn't pay attention.\n\nGEORGE\nThis is just what I need.\n\nELAINE\nI'm sure it's right around here.\n\nKRAMER\nIt looks familiar. I remember the elevator.\n\nGEORGE\nThere's elevators all over! It all looks\nthe same.\n\nJERRY\nIt's over there. I know where it is.\n\nNOW JERRY TAKES THE LEAD AND THE OTHERS FOLLOW.\n\nELAINE\nIt's black, right?\n\nKRAMER\nDark blue.\n\nGEORGE\nYou come to a parking lot, you write\nit down. How hard is that?\n\nJERRY\nThere it is!...No, no that's a Toyota.\n\nTHEY STOP...\n\nJERRY\nHmmm...I thought it was...\n\nKRAMER\nDidn't we come in over there?\n\nJERRY\nI thought it was over there.\n\nELAINE\nHow long can fish live in one of these\nplastic bags?\n\nKRAMER\nAbout two hours.\n\nELAINE\nYou'd better find this car.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's this way...\n\nJERRY\nI really have to go to the bathroom.\n\nKRAMER\nWhy don't you go behind one of these\ncars? J\n\nJERRY SHOOTS HIM A LOOK.\n\nKRAMER\nWhy? Nobody's around.\n\nJERRY\nI'll wait.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know when you hold it in like that\nyou can cause a lot of damage to your\nbladder. That's what happens to truck\ndrivers. They hold it in all the time.\nEventually it starts coming out involuntarily.\nJERRY Alright.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, are you aware that adult diapers\nare a six hundred million dollar a year\nindustry?\n\nJERRY\nMaybe I should just go anytime I get\nthe urge like you...wherever I am. There's\ntoo much urinary freedom in this society.\nI'm proud to hold it in. It builds character.\n\nANGLE ON ELAINE AND GEORGE...\n\nELAINE\nThere it is!...No that's not it.\n\nA CAR SCREECHES AROUND A CURVE, ELAINE IS UNNERVED.\n\nELAINE\nHey, watch it. ...Did you see that car?\nManiac. Can you explain something to\nme? I got six questions wrong on my\ndrivers test. That's the maximum. I\nread the book, I'm a college graduate.\nThis is a country where fifty percent\nof its high school students can't locate\nEurope on a map. How are they all passing\nthat test? It's a mystery.\n\nGEORGE\n...Six wrong?\n\nELAINE\nThose school zones are a killer.\n\nJERRY\nWill you let me help you with that?\n\nKRAMER\nI'm gonna put it down behind that car.\n\nHE DOES SO.\n\nJERRY\nYou're not worried somebody's gonna\npee on it?\n\nKRAMER\nPink eleven. Remember that.\n\nGEORGE\nOh I got it. (TO JERRY) That I'm supposed\nto remember. Where the car is, that's\ninsignificant.\n\nELAINE\n(LOOKING AT FISH) I think they're laboring.\n\nKRAMER\nLook at this place. It's huge...\n\nGEORGE\nI can tell you this. If I am not in\nfront of my house at six-fifteen, when\nmy parents get there, they will put\nme on an aggravation installment plan\nthat will compound with interest for\ndecades.\n\nJERRY\nParents never forget a foul-up. I once\nleft a jacket on the bus when I was\nfourteen. Last week I'm flying to Chicago\nto do a show, \"Make sure you hang on\nto your jacket.\"\n\nGEORGE\nWhere the hell is this car, Kramer?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's got to be here.\n\nELAINE\nWhy are they using so many colors? And\nthe numbers go up to forty.\n\nJERRY\nMaybe it's not on this level.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nThere are four different levels. Maybe\nwe're on the wrong level. How long was\nthe escalator ride up?\n\nELAINE\nIt felt like a couple of levels.\n\nJERRY\nYou should always carry a pad and pen.\nGEORGE I can't carry a pen. I'm afraid\nI'll puncture my scrotum.\n\nKRAMER\nI have a pen.\n\nTHEY REACT...\n\nJERRY\nWhere was the bathroom in this mall?\nThere are six-hundred stores, I didn't\nsee one bathroom. What is this, like\na joke? They finished building the mall\nand they go, \"Oh my god, we forgot the\nbathrooms.\"\n\nMOTHER\nDon't you dare talk to me like that!\nYou hear me?\n\nELAINE\nLook at that woman.\n\nSHE'S HITTING HER BOY ON THE BACK OF HIS HEAD.\n\nMOTHER\nI told you! I don't care! You'll have\nto wait.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, is that necessary?\n\nMOTHER\nWhy don't you mind your own business?\n\nGEORGE\nI think hitting a defenseless child\nis my business.\n\nKID\nYou're ugly.\n\nGEORGE\n...What?\n\nKID\nYou're ugly.\n\nGEORGE\nYou are!\n\nKID\nYou are!\n\nTHE KID GETS IN THE CAR. GEORGE IS STUNNED.\n\nGEORGE\nI should've hit the little son-of-a-bitch.\nI can't stand kids. Adults think it's\nso wonderful how honest kids are. I\ndon't need that kind of honesty. I'll\ntake a deceptive adult over an honest\nkid any day.\n\nKRAMER\n(RE CAR) I found it!\n\nELAINE\nHe's got it.\n\nKRAMER\nOh...no.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, that's it. From now on no\nmore calling out they found it, unless\nwe're sitting in it. Okay?\n\nELAINE\nJerry, look at my fish.\n\nJERRY HOLDS UP THE BAG AND HITS IT WITH HIS FINGER.\n\nJERRY\nHis eyes look a little cloudy.\n\nGEORGE\nOh are they gonna be furious.\n\nJERRY\nWho's got the tickets? GEORGE I do.\n(TO KRAMER) I thought you knew this\nmall. You said you'd been here before!\n\nKRAMER\nIt was easy the last time.\n\nELAINE\nMy fish are dying right in front of\nme! We have to get someone to drive\nus around the parking lot to help us\nlook for the car.\n\nJERRY\nNo one's going to do that.\n\nELAINE SPOTS A FORTY-ISH, STYLISH COUPLE WALKING TO THEIR CAR.\n\nELAINE\nExcuse me, we can't seem to find our\ncar. I was wondering if it would be\npossible if you're not in a hurry, to\ndrive us around the garage for five\nminutes so we can look.\n\nMAN #1\n...Sorry.\n\nELAINE\nFive minutes.\n\nMAN #1\nCan't do it.\n\nELAINE\nWe're not wilding.\n\nTHEY LEAVE.\n\nELAINE\nExcuse me - I can't seem to find my\ncar - do you think you could drive me...\n\nTHEY START LAUGHING.\n\nELAINE\nOh that's funny? Is that funny? Well\ntell me if you think this is funny -\nThese fish are dying! They're gasping\nfor oxygen right now! They'll be floating\nin an hour. Is that funny too?\n\nTHEY IGNORE HER AND KEEP LAUGHING. CUT TO JERRY AND KRAMER.\n\nJERRY\nThose are really ugly sneakers. Where\ndid you get those?\n\nKRAMER\nRight here at the mall.\n\nBACK TO ELAINE, SEEKING OUT A MAN WITH A BEARD.\n\nELAINE\nExcuse me...\n\nHE IGNORES HER AND KEEPS WALKING.\n\nELAINE\nSorry to have disturbed you. Terribly\nsorry. But the fish will be dead. You\ndo know that. They can't live in plastic.\nThat's not me talking, that's science.\n\nCUT TO JERRY AND KRAMER.\n\nJERRY\nIt's amazing how shopping makes me have\nto go. All I have to do is walk into\na department store and it's like some\nkind of horse laxative just kicked in.\n\nKRAMER\nYou drank a whole bottle of water.\n\nJERRY\nI know.\n\nKRAMER\nSo why don't you just go?\n\nJERRY\nNo I can't.\n\nKRAMER\nDon't you get tired of following rules?\n\nJERRY\nYou think I'm too cautious?\n\nKRAMER\nWhy be uncomfortable if you don't have\nto? It's organic.\n\nJERRY\nOrganic. So's Buddy Hackett.\n\nKRAMER\nBuddy Hackett?\n\nJERRY\nHe's a comedian.\n\nKRAMER\nI know.\n\nJERRY\nAll right. All right.\n\nKRAMER\n(pointing) You can go over here.\n\nJERRY\nI can manage.\n\nKRAMER\n(turns away and spots George) George!\n(leaves scene)\n\nKRAMER It'll take you ten seconds.\n\nHE NUDGES JERRY.\n\nJERRY\nOkay, okay. I'll be right back.\n\nWE STAY WITH JERRY AS HE WALKS TO THE BACK OF A CAR, LOOKS AROUND\nLIKE SUPERMAN, THEN LETS FLY. HE FINISHES, ZIPS UP, THEN TURNS\nAND SEES A SECURITY GUARD STARING AT HIM WITH HIS ARMS FOLDED.\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nOkay, let's go. Come with me.\n\nJERRY\nBut...\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nCome on.\n\nJERRY\n...Kramer\n\nINT. SECURITY GUARD'S OFFICE\n\nJERRY\nI've had this condition since I was\neleven! I've been in and out of hospitals\nmy whole life. I have no control over\nit. Doctors have told me that when I\nfeel it, the best thing to do is just\nrelease it. Otherwise, I could die.\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nWell you're still not allowed.\n\nJERRY\nDo you hear what I'm saying to you?!\nI'm telling you that if I don't go,\nI could die. Die. Is it worth dying\nfor?\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nThat's up to you.\n\nJERRY\nSo you don't care if I die.\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nWhat I care about is the sanitary condition\nof the parking facility.\n\nJERRY\nIt was life and death.\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nUh huh.\n\nJERRY\nOh I'm lying. Why would I do it unless\nI was in mortal danger? I know it's\nagainst the law.\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nI don't know.\n\nJERRY\nBecause I could get Uromysitisis poisoning\nand die. That's why!...Do you think\nI enjoy living like this?...the shame,\nthe humiliation...You know I have been\nissued a public urination pass by the\ncity because of my condition. Unfortunately\nmy little brother ran out of the house\nwith it this morning.\n\nJERRY\nHim and his friends are probably peeing\nall over the place. You want to call\nthe Department of Social Services? Oh,\nit's Saturday. They're closed today.\nMy luck.\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nYou can tell the police all about it.\n\nINT. PARKING GARAGE - GEORGE, KRAMER, AND ELAINE.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry!\n\nELAINE\nJerry!\n\nGEORGE\nUnbelievable, I'm never gonna get out\nof here. The guy goes to pee, he never\ncomes back. It's like a science fiction\nstory.\n\nELAINE\nMaybe he went to one of the other levels.\nI'll go look for him.\n\nGEORGE\nOh now you're gonna go? ELAINE I'll\nbe back in five minutes.\n\nGEORGE\nIf you go now, I know what's gonna happen.\nWe'll find the car, Jerry will show\nup, and then we'll never find you.\n\nELAINE\nNo, no, I'll be back.\n\nSHE LEAVES.\n\nGEORGE\nOh what's the difference? We'll all\nbe dead eventually.\n\nKRAMER\nDoes that bother you?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, it bothers me. Doesn't it bother\nyou?\n\nKRAMER\nNot at all.\n\nGEORGE\nSee now that bothers me even more than\ndying bothers me, cause it's people\nlike you who live to be a hundred and\ntwenty because you're not bothered by\nit. How could it not bother you?\n\nKRAMER\nI once saw this thing on T.V. with people\nwho are terminally ill. And they all\nbelieved the secret of life is just\nto live every moment.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, yeah. I've heard that. Meanwhile\nI'm here with you in a parking garage,\nwhat am I supposed to do?\n\nINT. SECURITY OFFICE - JERRY AND THE SECURITY GUARD.\n\nJERRY\nFirst of all you don't even know technically\nthat I went. That's for starters. I\nmean I could've been pouring a bottle\nof water out there. You don't know.\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nI know what you did.\n\nJERRY\nOh really, do you? Well it just so happens\nthat I did pour water out. I had a bottle\nof very tepid water and I poured it\nout. And I could see how you made a\nmistake, because pouring water out sounds\nvery much like a person urinating.\n\nJERRY\nAnd you know when you think about it\nit's really quite an amusing case of\nmistaken identity. That's all it is.\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nYeah I'm sure.\n\nJERRY\nYou know this is not the first time\nthis has happened to me. I always carry\nwater because of my condition. It dehydrates\nme. It's a vicious cycle.\n\nINT. PARKING GARAGE - ELAINE, LOOKING FOR JERRY.\n\nELAINE\nAnd now he's gone. I'm sure he's looking\nfor the car. Five minutes, that's all.\nI just want to find him.\n\nMAN #1\nI can't do it.\n\nELAINE\nBut why? Why can't you do it?\n\nMAN #1\nI can't.\n\nELAINE\nNo, see that's not a reason you can't.\nYou just don't want to.\n\nMAN #1\nThat's right.\n\nELAINE\nBut why? Why don't you want to?\n\nMAN #1\nI don't know.\n\nELAINE\nBut wouldn't you get any satisfaction\nout of helping someone out?\n\nMAN #1\nNo, I wouldn't.\n\nINT. SECURITY SHACK - JERRY (A NEW TACK) All right, all right.\nI want to apologize. I was frightened, I said crazy things. I\nobviously offended you. I insulted your intelligence. The uromysitisis,\nthe water bottle...I made it all up, and now...I'm going to tell\nyou the truth. Today my father and mother are celebrating their\nfiftieth, well I'm jumping ahead here, their forty-seventh wedding\nanniversary. We made arrangements to spend the evening together.\nThey are supposed to be in front of my building at six-fifteen.\n\nJERRY\nWhat I haven't told you, or anyone else\nfor that matter, is that my father's\nbeen in a Red Chinese prison for the\npast fourteen years.\n\nINT. PARKING GARAGE - GEORGE AND KRAMER, STILL LOOKING FOR THE\nCAR.\n\nKRAMER\nThe guy's got a fat fetish. Spector\nnever dates a woman under two hundred-fifty\npounds.\n\nGEORGE\nReally.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat does he do with all that fat? Does\nhe just jump up and down on it? Does\nhe gouge it like Killer Kowalski?\n\nGEORGE\nWho's Killer Kowalski?\n\nKRAMER\nHe was a wrestler. He would grab hold\nof someone's stomach and just squeeze\nit until they gave.\n\nGEORGE\nI've gotta go to the bathroom.\n\nKRAMER\nSo go.\n\nGEORGE\nHere?\n\nKRAMER\nYou and Jerry.\n\nINT. SECURITY OFFICE - GEORGE BEING LED IN BY THE SECURITY GUARD.\n\nGEORGE\nDon't you believe me? It's their fiftieth\nanniversary. You know this is gonna\nkill him. You're aware of that. Kill\nhim. On the biggest night of his life...\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nOh your folks have an anniversary today\ntoo? Was he also in a Red Chinese prison?\n\nGEORGE\nA Red Chinese prison?\n\nINT. PARKING GARAGE - KRAMER, WANDERING AIMLESSLY.\n\nKRAMER\nGeorge! George!\n\nINT. PARKING GARAGE\n\nELAINE\nJerry!\n\nINT. PARKING GARAGE\n\nJERRY\nWell what happened was my father was\nstaying in the home of one of Red China's\ngreat military leaders, General Chang,\nwho by the way came up with the recipe\nfor General Chang's chicken. You know,\nthe one with the red peppers and orange\npeel at Szechwan Gardens? GEORGE Sure,\nI have it all the time. Very spicy.\n\nJERRY\nWell General Chang was a very flamboyant\nman. A complete failure as a general,\nbut a helluva cook.\n\nELAINE\nJerry! JERRY Elaine?!\n\nELAINE\nJerry! Over here...\n\nNOW THEY SPOT HER.\n\nELAINE\nWhere have you been?\n\nJERRY\nI was arrested for urinating.\n\nGEORGE\nMe too.\n\nELAINE\nYou what?\n\nJERRY\nI have uromysitisis. It's very serious\nyou know.\n\nELAINE\nLook at my fish...\n\nELAINE\nIs he...\n\nJERRY\nNo, but he's not looking good...\n\nELAINE\nPlease, we can't find our car. Please\ndrive us around the parking lot to find\nour car. My fish are dying.\n\nMAN #2\nCan't do it.\n\nELAINE\nI can see not caring what happens to\nus, we're human. But what about the\nfish? The fish?\n\nMAN #3\nSorry.\n\nELAINE\nThat's right, go. Go home to your dumbbells.\nWork on your pecs. I'm really impressed.\n\nELAINE\nThat's right you heard me. You got a\nproblem with that?\n\nGEORGE\nElaine, shut-up.\n\nJERRY\nHey, where's Kramer?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know. (TO ELAINE) Where's Kramer?\n\nELAINE\nI thought he was with you.\n\nGEORGE\nSee, I knew it. I knew this was gonna\nhappen...\n\nGEORGE\nLook at the time, that's it.\n\nELAINE\nHave we looked over there? Have we checked\nthat side? GEORGE We came in over there!\n\nELAINE\nWe didn't come in over there! JERRY\nWhere's Kramer?\n\nJERRY\nHey George, there she is again. ...\n\nGEORGE\nSo what do you want me to do?\n\nJERRY\nAsk her to drive us around. There's\nyour opening.\n\nGEORGE\nThat is an opening.\n\nGEORGE\nExcuse me...I really... What's happened\nis that my friend forgot where he parked\nand if you're not in a big hurry, we'd\nreally appreciate it if...\n\nAMY\nOh sure, I'll drive you around.\n\nGEORGE\nYou will?\n\nAMY\nSure.\n\nGEORGE WAVES FOR JERRY AND ELAINE.\n\nGEORGE\nThanks a lot. I'm really late. My parents\nare waiting in front of my building\nand we're stuck here.\n\nAMY\nI wouldn't want to get lost in here.\nIt smells like a toilet. People are\nsuch animals.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, right.\n\nJERRY\nFilthy pigs.\n\nTHEY ALL GET IN THE CAR.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's a blue Honda...\n\nAMY\nThis has happened to me too. It's very\nfrustrating.\n\nELAINE\nHi, I'm Elaine.\n\nJERRY\nJerry.\n\nAMY\nHello.\n\nELAINE\nIt's very nice of you to do this. I've\nasked several people and they wouldn't\neven answer me.\n\nAMY\nI'm happy to do it. (TO GEORGE) I'm\nAmy.\n\nGEORGE\nHi Amy, I'm George.\n\nINT. PARKING GARAGE\n\nGEORGE\nI didn't mean anything by it. I don't\neven know L. Ron Hubbard! I didn't know\nyou were...\n\nGEORGE\n...with that group.\n\nELAINE\nWhat about my fish?\n\nJERRY\nBoy, those Scientologists. They can\nbe pretty sensitive.\n\nELAINE\nI'll say.\n\nTHEY TURN TO GEORGE, WHO'S GAPING AT SOMETHING.\n\nELAINE\nWhat is it?\n\nELAINE\nThe car!\n\nJERRY\nThe car!\n\nGEORGE\nThe car!\n\nELAINE\nWe found it. I can't believe it!\n\nGEORGE\nKramer, Kramer's not here...I knew it.\nI knew it! I knew this would happen.\n(SCREAMING) Kramer! Kramer!\n\nJERRY\nKramer!\n\nINT. PARKING GARAGE - ONE HOUR LATER\n\nJERRY\nKramer.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, over here.\n\nKRAMER\nBoy I had a helluva time finding that\nair-conditioner. I looked everywhere.\nI completely forgot where I hid it.\nYou know where it was? GEORGE Purple\n23.\n\nKRAMER\nRight! Purple 23. I could've used you.\n\nGEORGE\nSometimes it's good to have a pencil\nto write these things down.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat time is it?\n\nGEORGE\nSeven forty-five.\n\nKRAMER\nWell at least there's no traffic.\n\nGEORGE\nRight.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat time does that play start?\n\nGEORGE\nEight o'clock.\n\nKRAMER\nThat might be a problem. (TO ELAINE)\nWhere's your little bag of...\n\nJERRY INDICATES HE SHOULDN'T PURSUE THAT.\n\nKRAMER\nOh...(TAKES OUT PARKING STUB) Boy this\ngarage is going to cost a fortune. You\nknow how long we were here?\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Cafe.html",
    "text": "THE CAFE\n\nWritten by\n\nTom Leopold\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nThere's always that one location, one store location that's constantly\nchanging hands. Everybody has this in their neighborhood, it's\na leather store, it's a yogurt shop, it's a pet supply. It's\nconstantly changing and nobody can do business there. It's like\nsome sort of Bermuda triangle of retail, you know? Stores open\nup and then they just disappear without a trace. Nobody knows\nwhat happened to 'em. I guess eventually when like aliens land\nin mother ship of close encounters, bottom will slowly open and\nall these store owners will come wondering out in a daze going\n'I thought there would be more walk-in traffic didn't you?.'\n\n(George and Jerry are standing outside in the street. Across\nthe street there is a restaurant called Dream Cafe. Sign says\nGrand opening.)\n\nGEORGE\nShe thinks I'm a nice guy. Women always\nthink I'm nice, but women don't like\nnice.\n\nJERRY\nThis is amazing, I haven't seen one\nguy going in to that restaurant since\nit opened. Poor guy.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy is nice bad? What kind of sick society\nwe are living in, when nice is bad?\n\nJERRY\nWhat's that smell? What are you wearing?\n\nGEORGE\nLittle cologne.\n\nJERRY\nManly.\n\nGEORGE\nMonica wants me to wear it.\n\nJERRY\nSo why didn't you say no?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm too nice.\n\nJERRY\nPoor guy. His family is probably in\nPakistan waiting him to send back money.\nThis is horrible.\n\nGEORGE\nShe wants me to take an IQ test.\n\nJERRY\nThat's because you're stupid enough\nto wear the cologne.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, she's taking this course in education\nfor her masters. It's part of her research\nproject, I have to be a guinea pig.\n\nJERRY\nI've never been a guinea pig. I've been\na sheep, a tody.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, I can't talk to you anymore.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, I'm sorry. Go ahead, you're\ntaking the IQ test.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, and she's going to find I'm a\nmoron. You know, people think I'm smart,\nbut I'm not smart.\n\nJERRY\nWho thinks you're smart?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm not going to break a hundred in\nthis thing.\n\nJERRY\nWhat thing?\n\nGEORGE\nYou don't listen when people talk to\nyou anymore!\n\nJERRY\nOh, the IQ thing...yeah.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm sure I have a low IQ. I've been\nlying about my SAT scores for 15 years.\n\nJERRY\nWhat did you get?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat did I get or what do I say I got?\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you say?\n\nGEORGE\nI say fourteen o nine (1409).\n\nJERRY\n1409, that's a good score.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're telling me.\n\nJERRY\nWhat did you really get?\n\nGEORGE\nYou are my friend.\n\nJERRY\nOf course.\n\nGEORGE\nI tell you everything, right?\n\nJERRY\nI hope so.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, this I take to the grave.\n\n(Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching Dream Cafe with binoculars\nand Elaine is reading a newspaper.)\n\nJERRY\nHe's serving Mexican,Italian, Chinese.\nHe's all over the place. That's why\nno one is going in.\n\nELAINE\nWhy do you keep watching?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, I'm obsessed with it.\nIt's like a spider in the toilet struggling\nfor a survival. And even if you know\nit's not going to make it, you kind\nof root it for awhile.\n\nELAINE\nAnd then you flush.\n\nJERRY\nWell, it's a spider.\n\nELAINE\nYou know, sometimes people won't go\nin to a place, if they don't see anyone\nelse in there.\n\n(Jerry pulls his sweater over his nose.)\n\nELAINE\nYou have to do that? Jerry, don't do\nthat, that is so annoying.\n\nJERRY\nBazooka Joe.\n\n(Buzzer rings and Jerry looks at Elaine who is closer to the\ndoor.)\n\nJERRY\nThe buzzer.\n\nELAINE\nIt's your house.\n\nJERRY\nMy house? You have to be on the lease\nto press to buzzer. Yeah?\n\nINTERCOM\nIt's George.\n\nJERRY\nCome on up.\n\nELAINE\nCasus belli.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's that?\n\nELAINE\nIt's Latin. I read it in some book.\nI don't know, I just wanted to say it\nout loud.\n\nJERRY\nGo in, go in!\n\nELAINE\nHave you gone in there?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I'm afraid if we start talking,\nI'm gonna wind up going partners with\nhim.\n\n(George enters. He's got some bagels and big SAT book.)\n\nGEORGE\nHi.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, I could probably shoot him\nfrom here. I'd be doing us both a favor.\n\n(Elaine sniffs around.)\n\nGEORGE\nI'm wearing some cologne, all right?\n\nELAINE\nSure, fine.\n\nJERRY\nCasus belli.\n\nELAINE\nCasus belli.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's that?\n\nELAINE\nSince when do you wear cologne?\n\nGEORGE\nWhy what I do is so important? Why must\nI be always the vocal point of attention?\nLet me just be, let me live.\n\nJERRY\nHey, how did you do on that IQ test?\n\nGEORGE\nI didn't take it yet.\n\nELAINE\nWhat IQ test?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's casus belli.\n\nJERRY\nOh, it's nothing...\n\nGEORGE\nIs it about me?\n\nJERRY\nWhy must you always be the vocal point\nof attention? Why can't you just be?\nWhy can't you live?\n\nELAINE\nIt's just a Latin phrase George, it\ndoes not mean anything. Now, what is\nthis test?\n\nJERRY\nThis woman he's dating is making him\nto take this IQ test for this course.\n\nELAINE\nOh, that sounds like fun.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, fun. IQ tests are totally bogus.\nThey prove nothing.\n\nELAINE\nYou'll do well, you're smart.\n\nJERRY\nNo see, he's not smart. People think\nhe's smart, but he's not.\n\nELAINE\nWhat did you get on your SAT's?\n\nGEORGE\nIt varies.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, I don't even know my IQ.\n\nELAINE\nMine's 145.\n\nGEORGE\n145!\n\nJERRY\nGet out of here!\n\nELAINE\nYou get out of here!\n\nJERRY\nYou get out of here!\n\nGEORGE\nYou should take the test for me.\n\nJERRY\nWell, that would be something, cheating\non a IQ test. Hey, remember in college\nwhen you passed Lettick the test out\nthe window? You became a legend after\nthat.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, yeah I really had some guts back\nthen. Why wouldn't we do that again?\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nYou could take the IQ test for me. I\ncould pass it to you out the window.\nWe could do it, she lives in the first\nfloor.\n\nELAINE\nAre you serious?\n\nGEORGE\nWhy not?\n\nELAINE\nWhere would I take the test?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know, she lives right around\nthe corner. Take it here or go to the\ncoffee shop.\n\nELAINE\nNo, that would be too noisy.\n\nJERRY\nTake it to Dream Cafe, you won't hear\na peep.\n\nELAINE\nHey, what do you think?\n\nJERRY\nHey, I love a good caper.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, that's what is is, a caper.\n\nGEORGE\nYou'll do it?\n\nELAINE\nWhat the hey.\n\nGEORGE\nYeaah, beautiful...(They try to hit\na high five, but George hits Elaine\nin the forehead.) Sorry...\n\n(Dream Cafe. Jerry comes in.)\n\nBABU BHATT\nWelcome to the Dream Cafe.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I've been looking forward to it.\n\nBABU\nOh, how did you hear about us?\n\nJERRY\nEh, people, people are talking.\n\nBABU\nSmoking or non smoking? We are proud\nto offer both.\n\nJERRY\nNon smoking would be great.\n\nBABU\nVery good. My name is Babu Bhatt, I\nwill be your waiter. A steaming hot\nface cloth for your pleasure.\n\nJERRY\nThank you. (Throws the towel around\nlike a hot potato.)\n\nBABU\nOur specials are tacos, moussaka and\nfranks and beans.\n\nJERRY\nWell, what do you recommend my good\nfellow?\n\nBABU\nOh, the turkey.\n\nJERRY\nOh, the turkey it'll be. And may I say\nyou have a splendid establishment here\n, my friend. I'm sure you flourish in\nthis location for many many years.\n\nBABU\nYou're a very kind man. Very kind, thank\nyou. Very kind...\n\nJERRY THINKS\nVery kind. I am a kind man. Who else\nwould do something like this? Nobody.\nNobody thinks about people like I do.\nAll right, snap out of it you stupid\njerk. You're eating a turkey sandwich.\nWhat do want, a nobel price?\n\n(George is taking a test at Monica's bedroom.)\n\nGEORGE\nYou go in the living room. I'll take\nthe test in here.\n\nMONICA\nBut why?\n\nGEORGE\nI can't concentrate in front of you.\n\nMONICA\nOh, I think you're making too much of\nthis. IQ tests don't mean anything.\n\nGEORGE\nAre you kidding me? This is the best\ntool we have today of measuring a persons\nintelligence.\n\nMONICA\nWell, I certainly don't place any importance\non it.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I think you're wrong about that.\nAnd now if you would excuse me, I would\nlike to get started please.\n\nMONICA\nGood luck.\n\nGEORGE\nDon't need it.\n\n(Monica leaves and George runs to the window where Elaine is\nwaiting.)\n\nELAINE\nWhat's been going on in there? I've\nbeen standing here for 20 minutes.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm sorry I'm sorry, here's the test.\nThanks again for doing this.\n\nELAINE\nAll right, what time do you want me\nback here.\n\nGEORGE\nEh, twenty to three.\n\nELAINE\nOk.\n\nGEORGE\nThanks again.\n\nELAINE\nAll right.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd don't settle for 145, you can do\nbetter, you're a genius.\n\n(Jerry is eating at the Dream Cafe. Babu fills the water for\nJerry.)\n\nJERRY\nThank you Babu. You have quite a flair.\nYou are quite the restaurateur I must\nsay.\n\nBABU\nIt is in deed my pleasure.\n\nJERRY\nOh, please...\n\n(Elaine comes in.)\n\nBABU\nOh, welcome to the Dream Cafe. Our specials\ntoday...\n\nELAINE\nOh, no no I'll just have a tea and toast.\n\nBABU\nTea and toast.\n\nJERRY\nEat something! Babu...\n\nELAINE\nUm, ok, I'll have the rigatoni.\n\nBABU\nOh, very good choice. Very good.\n\n(Elaine is opening an envelope and is very excited.)\n\nJERRY\nOh wow, so you got the test. You're\ncheating.\n\nELAINE\nI know.\n\n(Kramer comes in.)\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nOh boy. Jerry let me ask you something,\nhi Elaine...\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nThis guy leaves this jacket at my mothers\nhouse two years ago. Now, she hasn't\nspoken to him since and now he says\nhe wants the jacket back.\n\nJERRY\nSo?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I'm not giving it back.\n\nJERRY\nWhy not?\n\nKRAMER\nBecause I meat a lot of women in this\njacket, you know they're attracted to\nit. Why do you think my mother went\nout with him?\n\n(Kramer takes some nachos and spills some to Elaine's test.)\n\nKRAMER\nOh, gees...\n\nELAINE\nYeah, ok...(takes the test and goes\nto another table.)\n\nKRAMER\nAnyway, it's been two years. I mean\nisn't there like statue of limitations\non that?\n\nJERRY\nStatute.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nStatute of limitations. It's not a statue.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, statue.\n\nJERRY\nFine, it's a sculpture of limitations.\n\nKRAMER\nJust wait a minute...Elaine, Elaine!\nNow you're smart, is it statue or statute\nof limitations?\n\nELAINE\nStatute.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I really think you're wrong.\n\nELAINE\nLook, Kramer, I have to take this test\nok, I don't have a long of time.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat test?\n\nELAINE\nAn IQ test.\n\nKRAMER\nWhy do you take an IQ test?\n\nELAINE\nIt's for George.\n\nKRAMER\nGeorge?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, can I...can I explain it to you\nlater?\n\nKRAMER\nWhy are you taking an IQ test for George?\n\nELAINE\nWould you please?!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat, is it for a job or something?\n\nELAINE\nLater!\n\nKRAMER\nYou're positive it's statute?\n\nELAINE\nYes, yes!\n\nBABU\nWelcome, welcome. A steaming hot face\ncloth...(gives Kramer a hot towel and\nKramer screams and falls from his chair.)\n\n(Monica's. George is reading a New Yorker on the bed and Monica\nis trying to get in. The door is locked.)\n\nMONICA\nGeorge?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah?\n\nMONICA\nThe door is locked.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, it's locked?\n\nMONICA\nI need to get something.\n\nGEORGE\nMonica, I'm really focused here, this\nstuff's a killer.\n\nMONICA\nGeorge!\n\nGEORGE\nWish I could.\n\n(Dream Cafe. Babu is singing and Elaine gets distracted.)\n\nBABU\nLadadeeda, laadadeeda....\n\nELAINE\nBabu! If you don't mind?\n\n(Babu comes to collect dishes from Elaine's table and knocks\ndown a cup of coffee.)\n\nELAINE\nOh my God! It's all over the test!\n\nBABU\nOh, I'm terribly sorry.\n\nELAINE\nOh man! Look at this...and I'm late\nanyway.\n\nBABU\nPlease, forgive me, please...\n\nJERRY\nGo ahead, I'll take care of it.\n\nBABU\nI'm very sorry. Tell your friends!\n\nJERRY\nIt's all right, she was cheating anyway.\n\nBABU\nYou're a very kind man.\n\nJERRY\nBabu, you're Pakistani?\n\nBABU\nYes, Pakistani, yes.\n\nJERRY\nBabu, may I say something?\n\nBABU\nOf course, you're a very smart man,\nI'll listen.\n\nJERRY\nI'm not a restaurateur by any means,\nbut it occurred to me that perhaps you\nmight serve some dishes from your native\nPakistan? As opposed to franks and beans\nfor example.\n\nBABU\nBut there are no Pakistani people here.\n\nJERRY\nDoesn't matter. You would have the only\nauthentic Pakistani restaurant in the\nwhole neighborhood.\n\nBABU\nYes, you see everything, don't you?\n\nJERRY\nWell, not everything. I do what I can.\n\nBABU\nI'll close down today and when I open\nagain it'll be whole Pakistani restaurant.\nThank you, thank you very much, you're\nvery special person, very special.\n\n(Babu leaves)\n\nJERRY THINKING\nI am such a great guy. Who else would've\ngone through the trouble of helping\nthis poor immigrant? I am special. My\nmother was right. Of course I've never\nhad Pakistani food. How bad it could\nbe?\n\n(Elaine is giving the test back to George.)\n\nELAINE\nIt was an accident.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat did you go on a picnic?\n\nELAINE\nBabu Bhatt did it.\n\nGEORGE\nBabu Bhatt? How I'm going to explain\nthis?\n\nMONICA\nTime's up George.\n\nGEORGE\nOk. (George opens the door.) Here you\ngo.\n\nMONICA\nHow did you do?\n\nGEORGE\nPiece of cake.\n\nMONICA\nWhat happened to the test?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat? I spilled some food on it.\n\nMONICA\nFood? What food?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nMONICA\nWhere did you get food?\n\nGEORGE\nFrom my pocket.\n\nMONICA\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nI eh, I had a sandwich in my pocket.\n\nMONICA\nAnd coffee?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, had some coffee, yeah.\n\nMONICA\nWhere did you get the coffee?\n\nGEORGE\nWhere did I get the coffee? Where do\nthink I got the coffee, from the grocery\nstore.\n\nMONICA\nHow did you get there?\n\nGEORGE\nI walked.\n\nMONICA\nHow did you get out of the apartment?\nI didn't see you leave.\n\nGEORGE\nI climbed out the window.\n\nMONICA\nYou climbed out the window?\n\nGEORGE\nOf course.\n\nMONICA\nWhy didn't you go out the door?\n\nGEORGE\nThe door? Why would I go out the door?\nThe window is right here.\n\nMONICA\nYou are a fascinating man, George Costanza.\n\nClosed for renovation.)\n\nJERRY\nMost people in a situation like this,\nthey walk right by it. Not me.\n\nELAINE\nYou're very special.\n\n(Kramer enters.)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, do me a favor. If some guy comes\nin looking for me, tell him you don't\nknow where I am.\n\nJERRY\nOf course, I always do.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no it's that guy. He's really been\nbugging me about the jacket.\n\nELAINE\nJust give it back to him.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, he'll have to kill me. (leaves.)\n\n(Jerry sees George from the window.)\n\nJERRY\nHey Georgie!\n\nGEORGE\nComing up.\n\nJERRY\nHow did you do on the IQ test?!\n\nGEORGE\n85!\n\nJERRY\nWhat?!!\n\nGEORGE\n85, Jerry! 85 IQ!\n\n(Jerry laughs.)\n\nELAINE\n85?\n\nJERRY\nWell, well, well...\n\nELAINE\nHe's coming up?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I'm no genius, but according to\nmy calculations he should be here in\na few seconds.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, but an 85, that's ridiculous.\n\nJERRY\nWell, maybe the test was gender bias,\nyou know a lot of questions about hunting\nand testicles...\n\n(George comes in looking angry.)\n\nGEORGE\nOh, hello professor.\n\nELAINE\nGeorge, I cannot believe...\n\nGEORGE\nPlease...\n\nELAINE\nNo there has got be a mistake.\n\nGEORGE\nYou should've seen her face. It was\nthe exact same look my father gave me\nwhen I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.\n\nJERRY\nBut an 85?\n\nELAINE\nThere were too many distractions there.\nBabu...what ever he's name was and Kramer...I\ncouldn't concentrate.\n\nJERRY MOCKING\nIt was a madhouse.\n\nELAINE\nJerry! It was! Let me take it again.\n\nGEORGE\nWhow, forget it.\n\nELAINE\nOh, come on, come on. I guarantee 140.\nWhat do you have to lose?\n\nGEORGE\nYou could do worst!\n\nELAINE\nNo, no, I guarantee it.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, I'll ask her.\n\nELAINE\nOk, now where I'm going to take it.\n\nJERRY\nTake it here, I'll leave, there'll be\nno distractions.\n\n(Dream Cafe. Babu is on the window looking gloomy. Jerry comes\nin.)\n\nJERRY\nWell, congratulations my friend. You\nknow, I sorry I missed the grand re-opening.\nI was out of town for about a week.\n\nBABU\nYou see how I listened. I worked very\nhard, borrowed more money.\n\nJERRY\nI think it's fantastic. Has a certain\nindefinable charm.\n\nBABU\nYou wish to eat?\n\nJERRY\nLet me tell you something Babu. You\ngo back there in that kitchen and tell\nyour chef I want the works.\n\nBABU\nVery good.\n\nJERRY THINKING\nVery good? No, not very good, very great.\nI am very, very great.\n\n(Jerry's apartment. Elaine is finishing the test.)\n\n(Monica's bedroom. George is pacing the room.)\n\n(Jerry's monologue.)\n\nYou know the IQ test has always that sample question at the beginning\nwhere they show how to fill in the circle. It should be the first\neliminating point right there. Anybody goes outside of that circle,\nyeah you wanna come with us, yeah you're done, the test is over,\nyou went outside the circle ok?\n\n(Jerry's apartment. Elaine finishes the test and is packing the\nstuff.)\n\n(Kramer charges in and locks the door behind him.)\n\nELAINE\nWhat are you doing?\n\nKRAMER\nQuiet. Shh, don't say anything.\n\nELAINE\nWhat's going on?\n\nMAN BEHIND THE DOOR\nHey, Kramer! I saw you going there!\nI'm not leaving until I get the jacket.\n(Bangs on the door) Open up Kramer!\n\nELAINE\nWhy did you come in here for?\n\nKRAMER\nI thought I'd throw him off. See, he\nknows where I live.\n\nELAINE\nWell Kramer, I have to return this test.\nI've got to get out of here.\n\nKRAMER\nI thought you took the test.\n\nELAINE\nI had to take it again.\n\nKRAMER\nHow come?\n\nELAINE\nWhat's the difference?!!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you can't leave now.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nMAN BEHIND THE DOOR\nCome on, Kramer! I want that jacket\nback!\n\nKRAMER\nNever!\n\n(Monica's apartment. George is looking out the window.)\n\nMONICA\nGeorge, open up.\n\n(George opens the door.)\n\nMONICA\nWell?\n\n(George shakes her hand.)\n\nGEORGE\nHow' you doing?\n\nMONICA\nWhere's the test?\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, it's the damnedest thing.\nI went out the window again to get a\ncup of coffee...\n\n(Dream Cafe. Babu is looking as Jerry eats.)\n\nJERRY\nBabu? Babu...(waves Babu to come to\ntable) Babu...you know, I got to tell\nyou, I never do this, but the shrimp,\nit's just that it's a little stringy.\nYou have any chicken?\n\nBABU\nThe shrimp is stringy?\n\nJERRY\nWell, maybe your refrigerator...\n\nBABU\nQuiet!! You shut up! You make me change\nrestaurant, but nobody comes! You say\nmake Pakistani, Babu Bhatt have only\nPakistani restaurant. But where are\npeople? You see people? Show me people.\nThere are no people!\n\nJERRY\nYou know, I think I'll just take the\ncheck.\n\nBABU\nYou bad man! You very very bad man!\n(leaves)\n\nJERRY THINKING\nBad man? Could've my mother been wrong?\n\n(Monica's. Elaine is gently tapping on the bedroom window. Monica\ncomes to open.)\n\nMONICA\nAre you looking for George?\n\nELAINE\nWell eh, kind of....\n\nMONICA\nGeorge left.\n\nELAINE\nOh.\n\nMONICA\nIs that the test?\n\nELAINE\nOh, this...emm...yeah...here you go.\n\nMONICA\nThanks. I hope you did do a lot better\nthis time.\n\nELAINE\nActually, you know what, I think I did.\nThe first time I couldn't really cons...(Monica\ncloses the window)...entreat.\n\n(At the street. Dream Cafe has a Closed sign on the window and\nmen are carrying furniture out.)\n\n(George, Jerry and Kramer are standing across the street. Kramer\nhas no jacket on.)\n\nJERRY\nYou know what it was, bad location.\n\nGEORGE\nLets not stand here, we might run in\nto her.\n\nJERRY\nAren't you cold? Where's your jacket?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah...\n\nJERRY\nOh, I'm sorry.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm going upstairs.\n\n(Elaine comes.)\n\nELAINE\nHey guys, I just ran in to Monica. You\nknow what my IQ is? 151.\n\nJERRY\n151?\n\nGEORGE\nThat's a good score.\n\nJERRY\nSo, what are you up for? How about Mexican?\n\nGEORGE\nItalian.\n\nELAINE\nNo, Chinese.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, what would be great?\n\n(George and Elaine give Jerry a long look.)\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nIt's tough to do a good deed. Just look at your professional\ngood deed doers. Your lone rangers, your superman, your Batman,\nyour Spiderman, your Elasticman. They are all wearing disguises,\nmasks over their faces. Secret identities. Don't want people\nto know who they are. It's too much aggravation. \"Superman, thanks\nfor saving my life, but did you have to come through my wall?\nI'm renting here, I've got a security deposit. What am I supposed\nto do?\"\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Tape.html",
    "text": "THE TAPE\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David, Bob Shaw & Don McEnery\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\n....hair that was on your shower soap\ntoday could be in your head tomorrow.\nHow did they do the first transplant?\n\nDid they have the guy take a shower, get his soap, rush it\nin there by helicopter, you know\n\nkeep the soap alive on the soap support system ....looks it over.\n\"We got the hair but I think we lost\n\nthe Zest.\"\n\n....rejects the transplant with organs.\n\nIs it possible that a head could reject the hair transplant .\nGuy just standin' there and suddenly...\n\n..Bink! ( motions hair flying out of his head)........lands in\nsomeone's frozen yogurt.\n\nJerry's apartment. A repairman is working on his fridge, Jerry\ndoing work with headphones on.\n\nREPAIRMAN\n.....The gaskets that you have here\nare asymmetrical.\n\nJERRY\nAh..ha!.. really. ( Jerry is barely\nlistening to him )\n\nREPAIRMAN\nSo I took off the motor relay on the\ncompressor....'cos you..you (stutters)\nyou've got some discoloration\n\nJERRY\nOh! well whatever you have to do.\n\nREPAIRMAN\nI was working with one.....mount at\na time 'cos you don't wanna disturb\nthe position of the compressor.\n\nJERRY\n(sarcastically) No you don't..\n\nGeorge enters the apartment.\n\nGEORGE\nHey! what are listening to?\n\nJERRY\nMy show from last night.\n\nGEORGE\nOh! you taped it?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I was doing new material.\n\nGEORGE\nHey! Did 'ya ever do that thing on the\ntoes that I said .\n\nJERRY\nHuh?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah! like the big toe is like the captain\nof the toes, but sometimes the toe next\nto the big toe gets so\n\nbig that there's like a power struggle and the second toe assumes\ncontrol of the foot.\n\nJERRY\nThe\" coup d\u00e9-toe\"\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Did you do it?\n\nJERRY\nYeah!\n\nGEORGE\nSo?\n\nJERRY\nNothin'.....nothing at all.\n\nGEORGE\nNeed to use the phone.\n\nJERRY\nWho you calling?\n\nGEORGE\nChina.\n\nJERRY\nChina really?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. I'll pay for it.\n\nJERRY\nWhat for?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat for? . I'll tell you what for....\nfor hair.\n\nJERRY\nHair?\n\nGEORGE\nThe Chinese have done it my friend .\nThe Chinese have done it.\n\nJERRY\nDone what?\n\nGEORGE\nDiscovered a cure for baldness.\n\nREPAIRMAN\nDid you see that last night?\n\nGEORGE\nIt was on CNN ( Kramer comes in and\nhe is taping from a Camcorder) This\nChinese doctor Zeng Zau.\n\nhas discovered a cure for baldness.\n\nJERRY\n( to Kramer) What's this?\n\nKRAMER\nWell I just got it. Spector gave it\nto me, he's giving everything away...becoming\na minimalist.\n\nGEORGE\nIs that the guy who likes fat women?\n\nJERRY\nDoesn't the fat fetish conflict with\nthe minimalism.\n\nKRAMER\n( to George) You, you know what you\nshould've done is watching that report\non CNN last night.\n\nGEORGE\nI did, I'm trying to call China.\n\nKRAMER\nYou can't call China now its like, what,\nthree 'O clock in the morning there\n\nJerry; Oh! my God!....\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nOh! God.. Oh! man.....Oh! brother!!!\nI can't believe what I'm hearing. This\nwoman his talking to\n\nme on my tape recorder while I was on stage. This is wild. I've\nnever heard anything like this in my life.\n\nListen to this.\n\nGEORGE\n(George puts on the headphones) Oh!\nmy god...\n\nKRAMER\nGive me it..( tries to pull them off\nGeorge's head)\n\nGEORGE\nWa..Wait.Wait!......Who is this woman?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know . I have no idea . I was\njust listening and she came on.\n\nGEORGE\nThis is like a Penthouse letter...Why\ncan't I meet women like this?\n\nKRAMER\nAll right Come on....again attempts\nto pull headphones off)\n\nGEORGE\nWAIT,WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!!!!.... Where\nwas the tape recorder?\n\nJERRY\nIt was in the back of the room on the\nleft, she must have been sitting right\nin front of it.\n\nGEORGE\nMy god!!!\n\nKRAMER\nC'mon it's my turn.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, All right, all, right!!(\ngives the headphones to Kramer) How\nyou gonna find out who this is?\n\nJERRY\nGood question.\n\nKRAMER\nWhere's the volume..(finds it) A, YAI..YA...YA..YA!!!!\n\nCut to Monks\n\nGEORGE\nWhat do the Chinese have to gain by\nfaking a cure for baldness?\n\nJERRY\nIf it was real,they would never let\nit out of the country. No baldness,\nit'd be like a nation of Supermen.\n\nELAINE\nHi boys.\n\nBOTH\nHello...\n\nELAINE\nWhat's happening?\n\nJERRY\nTell her. I wanna hear her reaction.\n\nGEORGE\nThis woman left this really sexy message\non Jerry's tape recorder......\n\nJERRY\n(pushes George) NOT THAT YOU IDIOT!!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat??\n\nJERRY\nThe Chinese, the Chinese bald cure.\n\nGEORGE\nI thought you meant the..\n\nJERRY\nNo I meant the bald cure. We were talking\nabout the bald cure.\n\nELAINE\nWhat did she say?\n\nPETER\nSeinfeld.....( from way in the back\nof the restaurant. Cheesy plot device\nto have Jerry leave the\n\ntable for a minute so George and Elaine can talk)\n\nJERRY\nHey! Is that Peter? ...I can't believe\nit. Get me a cup of Decaf.( leaves table)\n\nELAINE\nSo did you hear this message?\n\nGEORGE\nOh!, he he, It was unbelievable\n\nELAINE\nReally!\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. I can't get over it.\n\nELAINE\nHuh! Sexy?\n\nGEORGE\nThis woman drove us out of our minds\n\nELAINE\nLike ...humm...How did she sound?\n\nGEORGE\nShe had this throaty, sexy kind of\nwhisper.\n\nELAINE\nReally, like a... like a....(leans\nover to George and whispers) Jerry,\nI want to slide my tongue\n\naround you like a snake.....Ooooooooooha,oooooohaaaa.....\n\nGEORGE\nOh! my God!!......You?.....You?...That\nwas you?....\n\nELAINE\nShhhhhh!!!\n\nGEORGE\nhow did ya?...\n\nELAINE\nI stopped at the club to see him and\nI was standing in the back while he\nwas on, right?,\n\nand there was this tape recorder there and I.....got this impulse.\nHa Ha Ha Ha....What?\n\nGEORGE\nOh! no no nothing....\n\nELAINE\nNow listen, promise me you won't tell\nhim Okay.I want to have a little fun\nwith this.\n\nGEORGE\nI had no Idea you were filled with such....sexuality..\n\nELAINE\nOh! That was nothing. So listen, what\nabout this bald thing?\n\nGEORGE\nAh! Some bald thing, a bald thing I\ndunno. It's nothing\n\nJerry comes back\n\nJERRY\nRemember Peter?\n\nGEORGE\nPeter?\n\nJERRY\nYou remember Peter. remember I told\nyou how he went to the track that one\ntime and he was yelling at this\n\njockey and the jockey got off the horse and started chasin' him.\n\nELAINE\nSo listen, what about this girl on\nthe tape recorder?\n\nJERRY\nOh Elaine....What do you think an enraptured\nfemale fan of mine might say?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know.\n\nJERRY\nShe went on in some detail about certain\nactivities, illegal in some states,\nfor consenting adults.\n\nThings you would know very little about.\n\nELAINE\nOh! really.\n\nJERRY\nWell this type of things is very common\nwhen you're in show business.\n\nELAINE\nSo what, Are you gonna ask her out.\n\nJERRY\nNo I can't she didn't leave her name\nor number.\n\nELAINE\nBummer...Okay, good luck finding her\n. I'm taking off.\n\nGEORGE\nWh.. Where you going?\n\nELAINE\nHome.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy you going home for?\n\nELAINE\nWell, I just came from the gym, unless\nI can shower at your place.\n\nJERRY\nSure.\n\nBack to Jerry's\n\nGEORGE\nOh! my god. Oh! man...\n\nJERRY\nI don't get it. Why would a woman do\nthat and then leave no way to get in\ntouch with her.\n\nELAINE\n(coming out of the shower in a bathrobe)\nMay be she realized she could never\nhave you and she jumped off\n\nthe George Washington Bridge.\n\nGEORGE\n(phone rings,picks up) Operator? Beijing?\n\nJERRY\nWhy are you doing this?\n\nGEORGE\nWhy do I do anything? tsss...For women.\n\nJERRY\nElaine have you ever gone out with a\nbald man?\n\nELAINE\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nYou know what that makes you?...A baldist.\n\nGEORGE\nOh. This I need. Hello!! Hello. i..i..is\nthis the hair restoration clinic? ...Does\nanyone speak English?\n\nELAINE\n( to Kramer who just got in with his\ncamcorder) Ooooh! You're taping.\n\nKRAMER\nJust be yourselves. ( Elaine plays with\nher hair flirtingly)\n\nELAINE\nAah! Okaaay.\n\nKRAMER\nWell we're talking with Elaine Benes;\nAdult film star on the set of her new\npicture \"Elaine does the Upper\n\nWest side\"\n\nELAINE\n( to the camera) Hi. How 're you doin'?\n\nKRAMER\nI'm doin' fine.\n\nGEORGE\nDo you speak English?...English!!\n\nKRAMER\nWhooooa! here's the director Jerry Seinfeld\n. Jerry, you discovered Elaine Benes?\n\nJERRY\nWell yes I did that's true. A couple\nof a guys I knew in the coastguard told\nme about her.... and I sensed\n\nthat she had the anger and intensity that I needed to make this\nfilm work.\n\nGEORGE\nEnglish. Does anybody speak English\n.Nobody speaks English.\n\nKRAMER\nSo What scene are you ready to shoot\nnow, Elaine?\n\nGEORGE\nIn this scene my co-star who's right\nover here ( goes over to George who\nis still on the phone)\n\nFollow meeeee... is George Costanza, he plays an airline pilot\nwho's just returned from Rome\n\nand I'm about to show him how much I've missed him.\n\nDoor buzzer rings\n\nKRAMER\nThat's my Chinese food...So George is\nthis your first movie with Elaine?\n\nGEORGE\n(visibly disturbed) I...I..I dunno.\n\nKRAMER\nSo Elaine in your movies is the sex\nreal or is it simulated?\n\nELAINE\nOh. it's always simulated....except\nwith George that's in my contract.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, Kramer that's it.....( pushes\nthe camera) Hello . English. Does anyone\nspeak English\n\nKRAMER\n( to the Chinese delivery boy) How much\ndo I owe you?\n\nPING\n$15.90.\n\nKRAMER\n$15.90.?\n\nGEORGE\nHuh. Excuse me (to Ping) Hum... Do you\nspeak chinese?\n\nPING\nChinese....Yeah.\n\nGEORGE\nLook...humm..I'm on with Beijing with\nthe hair restauration clinic. Could\nyou talk to them for\n\nme and tell them I'd like to place an order.\n\nPING\n(sounds like) Gwen, Ayon. Wonche son\nthai gettin my chon fai yu.( looks at\nGeorge and laughs)\n\nGEORGE\nThey got a billion people over there\nand he found a relative.\n\nPING\nAh Fuka suma. If you send money they\nsend cream.\n\nGEORGE\nThey send me? Aw right ..ask 'em Does\nit really work?\n\nPING\nGym a gun sen tokomo. Chin che .They\nsay you grow hair, Look a like Stalin\n\nGEORGE\nAsk' em Are there any side effects?\n\nPING\nDowe o futo yum.... Impotence. ....(\nmakes a just kidding gesture)\n\nGEORGE\nAw! Funny he's a funny guy.\n\nPING\nGet a money order from the Bank of China\n, be here three days after they get\ncheck.\n\nGeorge leaves all excited.\n\nPING\n(continues his phone call) Ha Pachini\nfair pousher pousher mouist I fai chin\nfousher...\n\nJERRY\n( as Ping rambles on ) ...S'cuse me\n( Ping looks up) Kind of an expensive\ncall.\n\nOn a street at night in George's car\n\nELAINE\nThanks for driving me home. What did\nI do to deserve this?\n\nGEORGE\nYoohoo,Plenty......Wh..wh..what are\ndoing hum...you're going in?\n\nELAINE\nWell ya. I guess so Why? You wanna do\nsomething?\n\nGEORGE\nyeah....euh...I dunno What?\n\nELAINE\nPffft....there's really nothing to do.\n\nGEORGE\n( becoming more and more awkward) Yeah.....\n\nELAINE\nDo you think of anything?..\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no....(mumbles)\n\nELAINE\nI am up for anything.\n\nGEORGE\nReally...(he honks the car and is startled,\nElaine laughs)......I have to say...You\nwere really good\n\ndoing that porno thing....you're talented.\n\nELAINE\nI was just kiddin, around.......\n\nGEORGE\nI thought the thing you said about the\nsex not being simulated . That was really\nfunny.\n\nELAINE\n( feeling awkward as well) Yeah! that\nwas a...f...fun ..mmm?.\n\nGeorge; So all right I'll speak to you through Jerry and everything.\n\nELAINE\nOkay...Thanks a lot for the ride.\n\nElaine gets out of the car, George tries to catch his breath.\n\nBack to Jerry's.\n\nJERRY\n..She was sitting at the table where\nI had my tape recorder...Okay great.\nThanks again.. bye.\n\nHA Ha..Who do these women think they're dealing with? Did she\nthink she was gonna leave this incredibly\n\nerotic message on my tape and I was just gonna let it go. Not\nBloody likely...\n\nKRAMER\nWhat is that?\n\nJERRY\nThat's my cockney accent.\n\nKRAMER\nNaw,na, that's no good.\n\nJERRY\nLets hear yours.\n\nKRAMER\nNot bloody likely..\n\nJERRY\nThat's the worst cockney accent I've\never heard in my life.( George enters)\nHey! Georgie boy, guess what I\n\ngot.\n\nGeorge; Guess, what I got.\n\nJERRY\nOh! Is that the bald stuff?\n\nGEORGE\nFrom China. All the way from China.\n\nKRAMER\nWait,wait wait...Let me get the camera.\n\nGEORGE\nNo Don't get the camera, we don't need\nthe camera. Listen I know your skeptical\n, but I really believe\n\nin the Chinese.\n\nJERRY\nYes I am skeptical.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy do you have to be so suspicious\nof every one. This is a great man Zeng\nZau, he wants to help bald people.\n\nKRAMER\nW..W..Wa...Wa..Wait..Wait wait.. Now\nlets videotape your head for the before\npicture, so we can watch\n\nhow it grows and stuff. Sit down (George sits).....Lean back...A\nlittle bit to the right.\n\nJERRY\nMake sure you get this area here, where\nhe needs the help....\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, all right ( Goes to the bathroom)\n\nKRAMER\nHe's a happy camper huh?\n\nJERRY\nHappy camper, I don't hear that expression\nenough.\n\nKramer; Remember that guy who took my jacket. The one I found\nat my mother's house.\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\nMy mother told me that he got arrested\nfor mail fraud\n\nJERRY\nNo kidding?\n\nKRAMER\nHe's in jail.\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened to the jacket. Did he\ntake it with him?\n\nKRAMER\nThat's what I intend to find out. (George\ncomes out of the bathroom and he's got\nwhite cream on his head)\n\nJERRY\nYou can see it. You gonna walk around\nlike that?\n\nKRAMER\nIt stinks. Can you smell that?....You\nstink.\n\nJERRY\nHow long are you suppose to leave it\non for?\n\nGEORGE\nAll day. ( phone rings, Jerry picks\nup)\n\nJERRY\nHello.\n\nELAINE\nIt's Elaine Marie Benes.\n\nJERRY\nWell Hello..\n\nELAINE\nHello.. so did you ever find out who\nthat woman was?\n\nJERRY\nYes, I got her number.\n\nGEORGE\nIs that Elaine?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nHI ELAINE...\n\nELAINE\nI guess you figure you're in for a pretty\nwild night?\n\nJERRY\nWell, as I said this type of thing\nis very common in show business\n\nELAINE\nWell listen I'm going to (?) do you\nwant me to stop by?\n\nGEORGE\nDid she say Hello?\n\nJERRY\nWhat? I dunno.\n\nGEORGE\nI mean, when I said Hello did she say\nHello back?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, Who keeps track of Hellos.\n\nGEORGE\nIsn't polite to say Hello when somebody\nsays hello?\n\nJERRY\nShe's coming up.\n\nGEORGE\nElaine's coming up?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. What's wrong, why? ( George runs\nback to the bathroom)\n\nKRAMER\nHow often do you cut your toe nails?\n\nJERRY\nI would say every two and a half to\neight weeks.\n\nKRAMER\n'cos the other night, you know, I was\nsleeping with Marion I rolled over and\nI cut her ankle\n\nwith my big toe.\n\nJERRY\nThe big toe; The captain.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nJerry; The captain of the toes. ( phone rings) Hello.\n\nELAINE\nJerry...Jerry listen I got too much\nstuff this afternoon, I can't come over,\nforget it.\n\nJERRY\nOkay....too bad.\n\nELAINE\nSo humm....When you gonna call her?\n\nJERRY\nSoon as I get off the phone wih you.\n\nELAINE\nGood luck.\n\nJERRY\nokay, bye ( to George) What happened\n, did you take it off?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, that was enough.\n\nJERRY\nThat's it, you gave up?\n\nGEORGE\nNo No I'm working on a system...Who\nwas that?\n\nJERRY\nThat was Elaine, she changed her mind.\nShe's not coming over.\n\nAs Jerry dials the girls number, George races to the bathroom\none more time.\n\nALICIA\nHello.\n\nJERRY\nHello is this Alicia? .This is Jerry\nSeinfeld.\n\nALICIA\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nThis is Jerry Seinfeld.\n\nCuts to commercial. Back to Jerry's after an implied date with\nAlicia\n\nJERRY\n(to Kramer) ...( words missing)...laugh\n, everything's nice and at the end of\nthe night I go for\n\na little contact. I get the PULL BACK. This woman said the filthiest\nthings I've ever heard in\n\nmy life. I get the Pull Back.\n\nDoor buzzer\n\nJERRY\nYeah..\n\nGEORGE\nIt's George.\n\nJERRY\nCome on up . (looks at his watch) ...What's\nhe doing here now?\n\nKRAMER\nSo, you blew it?\n\nJERRY\nShe must be psychotic or something.\n\nKRAMER\nLet me have her number.\n\nJERRY\nI'm not giving you her number.\n\nKRAMER\nI know how to handle these psychotics.\n\nGeorge comes in wearing a huge cowboy hat.\n\nJERRY\nSheriff?........What's with the hat?\n\nKRAMER\n(George takes off the hat, he's got\nthat cream on again) Pheeewwww! Boy!\nYou stink.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are doing here now?\n\nGEORGE\nI have to talk to you about something\n.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right lets take a look to see what\nwe got ( examines George's head) Wait\na second..\n\nI think I see something here George. Lets go to the videotape.\n\nGEORGE\nAahh..No..No..\n\nJERRY\nWhat's up?\n\nGEORGE\nI can't tell ya now, he's gonna be\nback in a ten seconds.\n\nJERRY\nSo just start it.\n\nGEORGE\nI can't.\n\nJERRY\nOh! Come om . He'll be over there for\na half hour, he gets lost over there.\n\nC'mon so what is this about?\n\nGEORGE\nAll right.........I've become attracted\nto Elaine..\n\nKramer burst in with is video setup.\n\nKramer; All right....Sit down George.\n\nGEORGE\nKramer, can we do this later..\n\nKRAMER\nNo, I got the tape right here.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, let's do this later.\n\nKRAMER\n(ignoring them) Now.. This is the tape\nthat we made earlier and I think,that\nI see. a couple of buds\n\nright here.\n\nGEORGE\nReally? ..You think.\n\nJERRY\nKramer. I would like to talk to George\nfor a minute, please.\n\nKRAMER\n'bout what?\n\nJERRY\nIt's kinda private.\n\nKRAMER\nLike the big toe captain..\n\nGEORGE\nSo now you're doing my bits?\n\nJERRY\nI'M NOT DOING YOUR BITS!!\n\nKRAMER\nOkay, all right. I'm gonna take a look\nat this huh!.( leaves)\n\nJERRY\nDoes she know?\n\nGEORGE\nNO!!\n\nJERRY\nHow did it happen?\n\nGEORGE\nI can't say.\n\nJERRY\nWell, why can't you say it?\n\nGEORGE\nBecause I promised her.\n\nJERRY\nI thought you just said she doesn't\nknow??\n\nGEORGE\nShe doesn't.\n\nJERRY\nSo how can you promise her?\n\nGEORGE\nBecause she asked me to.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is this, an Abbott and Costello\nroutine?\n\nGEORGE\nAll right You really want to know?...It\nall started when she told met hat...she\nwas the voice\n\non your tape recorder.\n\nJERRY\nWhat, Elaine?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah! She made me promise not to tell\nyou .It's supposed to be a joke.\n\nJERRY\n(picks up the headphones) That was Elaine...\n\nGEORGE\nWell let me hear....( they struggle\nfor the headphones)\n\nJERRY\nWait a second. .Just give me a second\n\nGEORGE\nYou heard it fifty times already.\n\nJERRY\nShe's my ex-girlfriend I think I have\nprecedence\n\nDoor Buzzer\n\nJERRY\nYeaaaah!!!\n\nELAINE\nHi, It's Elaine is this a bad time?\n\nGeorge grabs his hat and rushes to the bathroom again.\n\nGEORGE\n( Yelling from the bathroom) Don't tell\nher anything, she'll kill me!!\n\nJERRY\nOkay, Okay,I promise. ( puts on the\nheadphones again) Wow!!! Oh Man...Oh\nGod..\n\nOh Brother....Whoooaaaa!! Whoaaaa ( Elaine enters he takes them\noff rapidly)\n\nELAINE\n( Concerned) What's the matter?\n\nJERRY\nOooh! I got a pain in my side.\n\nELAINE\n( to George returning) Hi George. Something\nstinks in here.( George motions to Jerry,\nshe nods)\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you doing here?\n\nELAINE\nI was the one who talked into your tape\nrecorder.\n\nJerry; I know, George told me.\n\nElaine; You told him!!!!\n\nGEORGE\nHe..He threatened me.\n\nJERRY\nWhere did you come up with all that\nstuff?\n\nELAINE\nThat was nothing.\n\nGEORGE\nElaine.. I have to tell you something...\n\nJERRY\nGeorge NO!!\n\nGEORGE\nNo no no no no no no..\n\nJERRY\nGeorge I'm telling ya..\n\nELAINE\nWhat is it?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm very attracted to you..\n\nJERRY\nAye......\n\nKramer comes in and yells\n\nKRAMER\nI'VE FOUND A HAIR!!! Yes ( goes up to\nthe video machine and inserts the tape)\n\nHey, come here, come here,take a look at this.\n\nGEORGE\nEver since I found out that you let\nthat message on Jerry's tape recorder\nI...\n\nCredits start to roll\n\nKRAMER\nWhoa!!!....That was you?\n\nELAINE\nIt was a joke...\n\nKRAMER\nWait..( picks up the walkman) Oh my\ngod...Oh yeah....Elaine, I can't believe\nthat that is\n\nyou.\n\nELAINE\nAah.... ( she stares at the three of\nthem all lined up like the Daltons,all\nlooking at her\n\nwith lust.) I think I'll get going...\n\nGEORGE\nHeuh. huh. Stick around a while.\n\nJERRY\nIt's early.\n\nKRAMER\nWe'll order Chinese.\n\nShe leaves and they all scramble for the tape recorder.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Nose-Job.html",
    "text": "THE NOSE JOB\n\nWritten by\n\nPeter Mehlman\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nCan you give me an explanation as to why the pharmacist has to\nbe two-and-a-half\n\nfeet up above everybody else? What the hell is he doing, he can't\nbe down there\n\non the floor with you and me? Brain surgeons, airline pilots,\nnuclear\n\nphysicists, we're all on the same level. Oh no, he's gotta be\ntwo-and-a-half\n\nfeet up. \"Look out, everybody, I'm working with pills. Spread\nout, give me\n\nsome room.\" The only hard part of his whole job that I could\nsee is typing\n\neverything onto that little tiny label. He has to try and get\nall the words on\n\nthere, keep the paper in the- it's a little piece of paper, in\nthe roller of the\n\ntypewriter. Oh no, he's gotta be two-and-a-half feet up. \"Yeah,\nI'd like to\n\nget this prescription filled.\" \"Alright, and you wait down there,\nonly I'm\n\nallowed up here.\"\n\nFirst scene.\n\nJerry and George are at a newsstand.\n\nGEORGE\nWhere'd you meet her?\n\nJERRY\nI met her on an elevator.\n\nGEORGE\nOn an elevator? You met a woman on an\nelevator?\n\nJERRY\nImpossible, right?\n\nGEORGE\nYou got less than sixty seconds. That's\nlike dismantling a time bomb.\n\nWhat got into you?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know. She was so beautiful,\nit was like a pure reflex. The\n\nwords just came out of my mouth.\n\nGEORGE\nWow. What'd you say?\n\n(flashback to Jerry and Isabel on the elevator)\n\nJERRY\nYou know, I'm the one responsible for\nthose crop circles in England.\n\n(end of flashback)\n\nGEORGE\nWow.\n\nJERRY\nCan you believe I did that?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat did she say?\n\n(another flashback)\n\nISABEL\nWhat crop circles?\n\n(end of flashback)\n\nJERRY\nNot a good sign.\n\nGEORGE\nNot everybody knows what the crop circles\nare. (to the newsstand\n\nowner) Do you know what the crop circles are?\n\nNEWSSTAND OWNER\nCrop circles? Why don't you buy something?\n\nJERRY\nYou got something in your teeth there.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nIt's green.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, man, it's spinach! I've been walking\naround like this all\n\nafternoon.\n\nJERRY\nDid you bump into anybody you knew?\n\nGEORGE\nI had a job interview.\n\nJERRY\nHow'd it go?\n\nGEORGE\nTake a guess.\n\n(flashback to George's job interview, with close-ups of George's\nspinached\n\nteeth.)\n\nINTERVIEWER\nWell, Mr. Costanza, we have nothing\navailable at the present time,\n\nbut should anything open up, we'll be in touch.\n\nGEORGE\nOk, thanks.\n\n(end of flashback)\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you need a job, you got Audrey.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, right.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's the matter?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, nothing.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nYou won't think I'm a bad person?\n\nJERRY\nToo late for that.\n\nGEORGE\n'Cause believe me, I would only say\nthis to you and maybe a\n\npsychiatrist, maybe. Well, her nose is a little big.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, she's got a big nose.\n\nGEORGE\nI mean, big would even be ok, a little\nbeyond big.\n\n(momentary flashback to Audrey's tremendous nose)\n\nJERRY\nIt's a schnoz.\n\nGEORGE\nNow, I'm aware that my own physical\ndimensions are perhaps a little\n\nshort of perfection.\n\nJERRY\nA little.\n\nGEORGE\nSo who am I to be thinking about someone's\nnose? I mean, I should be\n\ngrateful someone like her even looks at me. I have no job, nothing.\nBut I have\n\nto say, I think about the nose. I don't want to think about the\nnose. I don't\n\nask to think about the nose, but I think about it. I go to bed\nat night, I tell\n\nmyself, 'Don't think about the nose, forget the nose,' but I\nthink about it. I\n\nlook at her, I see nose.\n\nJERRY\nStop being so concerned with looks.\n\n(momentary flashback to Isabel giving Jerry her number)\n\nJERRY\nHave you said anything to her about\nit?\n\nGEORGE\nI could never do that. You know the\nironic thing is if she had a\n\nsmaller nose, I never could have gone out with her in the first\nplace. She'd be\n\nout of my league with a smaller nose. And I really like her,\nI know that. And\n\nI know one other thing. I'm not getting past that nose.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, shut up, here they come.\n\nGEORGE\nHow can I not think about it? Look at\nthe size of this thing.\n\nNew scene.\n\nJerry, Elaine, George, Audrey and Kramer are sharing a pizza\nat Jerry's\n\napartment.\n\nKRAMER\nSo my mother's going out with this guy\nwho leaves a jacket in her house\n\nso, you know, she gives it to me. Well, two years later he shows\nup and he\n\ntakes it back. And now he's in prison. He got arrested for mail\nfraud. So\n\nElaine, all you have to do is go over to the apartment, tell\nthe landlord that\n\nyou're his daughter and you want to bring him the jacket in prison.\n\nELAINE\nWon't the landlord know I'm not the\ndaughter?\n\nKRAMER\nNo no, he's never met her. She's in\nCalifornia.\n\nELAINE\nAre you coming with me?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah yeah, I have to. I'm your fianc\u00e9,\nPeter Von Nostrand.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy don't you just commit yourself already?\n\nAUDREY\nWhat is so special about this jacket?\n\nELAINE\nHe believes it possesses some extraordinary\npower over women.\n\nAUDREY\nWhat's the smudge on your hand?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I got stamped at the reggae lounge\nlast night. Yeah, I'm going\n\nback there tonight, you know, I'm not gonna pay another cover\ncharge.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, you didn't wash all day?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I washed, just not the hand. You\nwouldn't believe the women at\n\nthis club. Ohh, man.\n\nAUDREY\nIt's amazing how many beautiful women\nlive in New York. I actually\n\nfind it kind of intimidating.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you're as pretty as any of them,\nyou just need a nose job.\n\nELAINE\nKramer!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat? What?\n\nELAINE\nHow could you say something like that?!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat? What do you mean? I just said\nshe needs a nose job.\n\nELAINE\nNo no, there's nothing wrong with her\nnose! I'm so sorry, Audrey.\n\nAUDREY\nNo, it's ok.\n\nELAINE\nWhat did you have to say that for?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I was just trying to help out.\n\nELAINE\nYeah? Well, you can kiss that jacket\ngoodbye, Mr. Von Nozzin.\n\nKRAMER\nYou see what happens when you try to\nbe nice?\n\nMid-episode monologue.\n\nBut what would the world be like if people said whatever they\nwere thinking, all\n\nthe time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date\nlast? About\n\nthirteen seconds, I think. \"Oh, sorry. Your rear end is too big.\"\n\"That's ok,\n\nyour breath stinks anyway. See you later, no problem, good-bye,\nok, thank you\n\nvery much.\"\n\nNew scene.\n\nGeorge and Audrey are in Elaine's apartment.\n\nAUDREY\nElaine said I could stay with her another\nmonth until Tina gets back.\n\nWhat are you thinking about?\n\nGEORGE\nThinking? Nothing. What could I possibly\nbe thinking?\n\nAUDREY\nYou look like you've got something on\nyour mind.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, yeah, right. I wish I had something\non my mind. (pregnant pause)\n\nSo how about that Kramer, huh?\n\nAUDREY\nHow about him?\n\nGEORGE\nThey way he just says stuff.\n\nAUDREY\nHe sure does.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Yeah, he's quite a character.\n\nAUDREY\nSo, what did you think?\n\nGEORGE\nAbout the pizza?\n\nAUDREY\nNo, about the nose job.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, the nose job. I don't know, what\ndid you think?\n\nAUDREY\nWell, I've thought about it, but I don't\nknow.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. (another pause) Not that I care,\none way or the other, but\n\nthese doctors today really do amazing things, you know, if you\nwere so inclined.\n\nAnd again, I'm not suggesting.\n\nAUDREY\nI know, they're good.\n\nGEORGE\nPeter Jennings had one.\n\nAUDREY\nReally?\n\nGEORGE\nProbably. They all do. In my high school,\nhalf my graduating class\n\nhad them. Of course, I'm from Long Island, so...\n\nAUDREY\nUh huh.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's really nothing, it's like going\nto the dentist.\n\nAUDREY\nI hate the dentist.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's a cleaning.\n\nAUDREY\nSo you really think I should do this?\n\nGEORGE\nIf it makes you happy, I don't focus\non these things. I will tell you\n\nTHIS\nUnfortunately, we live in a very superficial\nsociety. I don't condone\n\nit, but it's a fact of life.\n\nAUDREY\nWell, maybe I should.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat the hell.\n\nELAINE\nAw, now you talked her into getting\na nose job?\n\nGEORGE\nMe? I didn't say anything.\n\nELAINE\nYou encouraged her to get one.\n\nGEORGE\nI didn't encourage. No encourage.\n\nELAINE\nPeter Jennings had one?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's possible.\n\nELAINE\nWell, I think you should accept her\nfor who she is.\n\nAUDREY\nNo, George is right. I want to get one.\n\nELAINE\nI think it's a mistake.\n\nGEORGE\nMe too, really. Unless you'd really\nlike to get one.\n\nNew scene.\n\nJerry and George are at the coffee shop.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm going straight to hell, no two ways\nabout it.\n\nJERRY\nWell, it might not be hell but you're\ngonna run into some bad dudes.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, let's get the check, she's taking\nthe\n\nbandages off at four o'clock.\n\nJERRY\nWe have time.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's exciting, isn't it? She's gonna\nhave a whole new face.\n\nJERRY\nIt is exciting.\n\nGEORGE\nOf course, not as exciting as miss crop\ncircles, but...\n\nJERRY\nPlease, please, Isabel? She is the most\ndespicable woman I have ever\n\nmet in my life. I have never been so repulsed by someone mentally\nand so\n\nattracted to them physically at the same time. It's like my brain\nis facing my\n\npenis in a chess game. And I'm letting him win.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're not letting him win. He wins\ntill you're forty.\n\nJERRY\nThen what?\n\nGEORGE\nHe still wins but it's not a blowout.\n\nJERRY\nShe wants to be an actress. She makes\nme read these moronic acting\n\nscenes with her, and I do it because I'm so addicted to the sex,\nI'm helpless,\n\nI'll do anything. So finally Kramer comes in the other day.\n\n(flashback to Kramer and Jerry in Jerry's apartment)\n\nJERRY\nI don't want to see this woman anymore\nbut\n\nI haven't got the will power to throw out her number. Please,\nhelp me. Help\n\nme.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm proud of you.\n\n(end of flashback)\n\nJERRY\nSo I'm never gonna see her again, I'm\ngoing cold turkey.\n\nGEORGE\nGood for you.\n\nJERRY\nI'll tell you, the sex... I mean, I\nwas like an animal. I mean it was\n\njust completely uninhibited.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's like going to the bathroom in front\nof a lot of people and not\n\ncaring.\n\nJERRY\nIt's not like that at all.\n\nNew scene.\n\nElaine, George, Jerry, Kramer and Audrey are at Elaine's apartment.\n\nELAINE\nHow do you even know the jacket is there?\n\nKRAMER\nWell I don't, I'm guessing.\n\nGEORGE\nOkay, look, Audrey, before you take\nthe bandage off just remember that\n\nI was the one that encouraged you to do this, you know? Now that\nyou're gonna\n\nbe a great beauty, let's not forget how this all began. You know,\nlike if you'd\n\nlistened to your friend, Elaine,\n\nAUDREY\nGeorge?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah?\n\nAUDREY\nEnough.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, are we ready? Come on, let's\nget this show on the road.\n\nELAINE\nAre you sure you want us here for this?\n\nAUDREY\nYes.\n\nJERRY\nShouldn't a doctor do it?\n\nAUDREY\nNo, he said I could do it. Okay, here\ngoes.\n\nGEORGE\nVery exciting, very exciting, it's like\nwatching a birth.\n\nAudrey removed the bandage, the gang tries to disguise their\nhorror.\n\nELAINE\nIt looks good.\n\nJERRY\nGreat job.\n\nKRAMER\nYou got butchered.\n\nGeorge faints.\n\nAn undetermined time later, Jerry and Elaine are helping George\nto his feet.\n\nJERRY\nLet's put him over here.\n\nKRAMER\nWhere are you going?\n\nAUDREY\nTo the doctor!\n\nKRAMER\nWait, wait, wait, I'll go with you.\n\nKramer leaves, Elaine sits on the couch near George.\n\nELAINE\nHow ya feeling?\n\nGEORGE\nToo much salt in my diet.\n\nELAINE\nCan I get you anything?\n\nGEORGE\nNah, I'm good.\n\nELAINE\nYou sure? Anything?\n\nGEORGE\nMmm, no. Boy, it really didn't come\nout too well, did it?\n\nELAINE\nNo, it didn't. No, it didn't.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's like, all dented.\n\nELAINE\nSeems to be.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I'm sure they'll be able to fix\nit. You can't stop modern\n\nscience. Can't stop it, you can't stop it. Can't stop science.\nCan't be\n\nstopped, no way, no how, science just marches--\n\nELAINE\nShut up, George.\n\nGEORGE\nShut up?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nInteresting.\n\nNew scene.\n\nJerry and Kramer are at Jerry's apartment. Kramer is pouring\na bowl of cereal,\n\nJerry has cracked.\n\nJERRY\nCome on, Kramer, seriously, give me\nher number!\n\nKRAMER\nI don't have it, I threw it out.\n\nJERRY\nYou're lying! You got it, I want that\nnumber!\n\nKRAMER\nI told you, I threw it out.\n\nJERRY\nGive it to me!\n\nKRAMER\nYou told me not to give it to you, you\nmade me promise.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I changed my mind, I want that\nnumber.\n\nKRAMER\nYou said, no matter what you do or say,\nI'm not to give you the number.\n\nJERRY\nI was lying, give it to me!\n\nKRAMER\nNo, you told me not to!\n\nJERRY\nI want that number!\n\nKRAMER\nAlright! (flinging pieces of torn paper\nto the ground) Yeah! Yeah!\n\nYeah! (Jerry falls to the floor and starts arranging pieces)\nLook at you!\n\nLook at what you've sunk to! Look at what you've become! Look\nin the mirror,\n\ncause you need help, Jerry. You need help, because I can't stand\nby and do it\n\nanymore. It's turning my stomach! I can't stand around here watching\nyou\n\ndestroy yourself. It's eating me up inside!\n\nKramer storms out, then storms back in to grab the box of cereal\nand the bowl,\n\nthen storms out again.\n\nNew scene.\n\nGeorge and Audrey are at the coffee shop, Audrey is talking about\nher nose,\n\nGeorge is trying not to look at it.\n\nAUDREY\nThe doctor said that they need to build\nthe lateral wall of the septum.\n\nOver here...\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nAUDREY\nYou see this perinasal sinus cavity?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, I got it.\n\nAUDREY\nYou see how it's collapsing? That's\nwhat's causing this huge dent.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, phew.\n\nAUDREY\nSo anyway, George, do you know what\nI was thinking about?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nAUDREY\nRemember we talked about taking a trip\ntogether?\n\nGEORGE\nWe did?\n\nAUDREY\nYeah, we talked about going to Hawaii?\n\nGEORGE\nHawaii?\n\nAUDREY\nAnyway, I think it would be great to\nget away after all this.\n\nGeorge (removing his glasses) You know, Hawaii could be a little\ntricky right\n\nnow, there's a lot of high pressure winds down there this time\nof year, there's\n\na lot of debris constantly flying around. Wood, and uh, lava,\npretty dangerous.\n\nAUDREY\nI never heard that.\n\nGEORGE\nOh yeah. My friend lived there.\n\nAUDREY\nWe could go to the Caribbean.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, I have to tell you something.\nYou couldn't get me on a plane\n\nright now. I get those FAA reports directly. My uncle sends them\nto me, he\n\nused to be a pilot, so. Big investigation in the, uh, what's\nthe word there,\n\nuh, offing. It's in the offing. But, you know, you shouldn't\nlet that stop you\n\nfrom going. You could go. I don't mind.\n\nAUDREY\nGeorge, I don't think this is working.\n\nNew scene.\n\nJerry is rehearsing with Isabel.\n\nISABEL\nEver since you came back from the Army,\nyou've changed. I swear\n\nNelson, I don't even know who you are anymore.\n\nJERRY\nI'm Nelson!\n\nISABEL\nThat's not the line, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, alright, I'm sorry. (reading)\nNothing's changed, Alma, I just\n\nneed more time.\n\nISABEL\nI swear, Nelson, sometimes at night,\nwhen you're not around, I just go\n\ncrazy thinking about you.\n\nJERRY\nWell, you just need to relax. Maybe\na hobby, bowling is fun.\n\nISABEL\nYeah, bowling's good if you're really\ngross and ugly.\n\nJERRY\nUh oh. My organs are playing chess again.\n\nCut to the table where a slightly translucent Jerry's brain is\nplaying chess\n\nwith a similarly visible Jerry's penis.\n\nJERRY'S BRAIN\nWell I'm getting a little tired of this.\nWhat do you say we\n\nplay one for all the marbles?\n\nJERRY'S PENIS\nOh Brain, what are you doing? You cannot\nbeat me. Do you have\n\nany idea who you're dealing with? Forget about it!\n\nJERRY'S BRAIN\nI can't take her anymore. I hate reading\nher stupid little\n\nacting scenes.\n\nJERRY'S PENIS\nOh, so what? So you read from a little\nplay. You can't put up\n\nwith that for an hour to make me happy? You're so selfish. Give\nme one hour,\n\nthen I will take over, you will not have to think for the rest\nof the night.\n\nJERRY'S BRAIN\nWhat about tomorrow morning? Do you\nhave any idea what that's\n\nlike for me? Do you care? No, you don't care. So long as you\nget to do\n\nwhatever it is you do. You disgust me.\n\nJERRY'S PENIS\nOh, go read a book.\n\nJERRY'S BRAIN\nEnough chatting, let's play.\n\nNew scene.\n\nElaine and Kramer are outside the landlord's apartment.\n\nELAINE\nYou know the only reason I'm doing this\nis because you took Audrey to\n\nthe hospital.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah, ok, now uh, you're clear,\nyou got\n\neverything?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\nWait wait wait wait wait. (putting a\nring on Elaine's finger) Here.\n\nELAINE\nWhat do I need this for?\n\nKRAMER\nBecause we're engaged.\n\nELAINE\nWe're engaged?\n\nKRAMER\nUm hm.\n\nELAINE\nKramer, this is too big.\n\nKRAMER\nIt's my mom's.\n\nA stout man walks around the corner.\n\nLANDLORD\nHello?\n\nELAINE\nOh, uh, hi. I'm Wanda Pepper, I'm Albert\nPepper's daughter. My father\n\nasked me to come here and pick up his jacket for him.\n\nLANDLORD\nOh, hello Miss Pepper, it's a pleasure\nto meet you. (To Kramer) And\n\nyou must be Professor Von Nostrand?\n\nKRAMER\nYes, yes I am.\n\nLANDLORD\nI've read your book, Professor, and\nI was quite intrigued by it.\n\nKRAMER\nUh, yes. Well, it's, uh, very intriguing.\n\nLANDLORD\nTell me, is it your contention that\nShakespeare was an imposter?\n\nKRAMER\nMy contention?\n\nLANDLORD\nYes, your contention.\n\nKRAMER\nYes, that's my contention.\n\nELAINE\nI heard him contend that.\n\nLANDLORD\nIt's too bad about your father.\n\nELAINE\nOh, it was a frame-up.\n\nLANDLORD\nA fine man, he spoke often of you. He's\nvery proud of the work\n\nyou're doing.\n\nELAINE\nOh, well, we're all proud of the work\nI'm doing.\n\nKRAMER\nShe does fine work.\n\nLANDLORD\nYour father gave me strict orders not\nto turn the jacket over to\n\nanyone, but I suppose I can make an exception in your case. The\ncloset's this\n\nway.\n\nELAINE\nHow kind of you.\n\nLANDLORD\nYou know, your father has a very extensive\nwardrobe.\n\nKramer enters after Elaine, banging his pipe on the door frame.\n\nNew scene.\n\nJerry's Brain and Penis are still playing chess, Jerry's Brain\nappears to have\n\nthe upper hand.\n\nJERRY'S BRAIN\nWhat's the matter, fella? You look a\nlittle tired. Ha ha ha ha\n\nha!\n\nISABEL\nNelson, don't you see? You are a part\nof me, and I, I am a part of\n\nyou.\n\nJERRY'S PENIS\nIt's killing me. (Makes a move)\n\nJERRY'S BRAIN\nThat's your move?\n\nJERRY'S PENIS\nYeah.\n\nJERRY'S BRAIN\nWell that's trouble, my friend. That's\nbig trouble. Checkmate!\n\nJERRY'S PENIS\nGetting weak... Losing\n\npower... You haven't seen the last of me. I'll be back. You're\nnothing\n\nwithout me. Nothing!\n\nJerry's Penis disappears with an audible pop.\n\nJERRY'S BRAIN\nPunk.\n\nJERRY\nIsabel, uh, I don't think this is working.\n\nIsabel checks the script with a puzzled look on her face.\n\nBack to Elaine, Kramer and the landlord at Albert Pepper's apartment.\n\nELAINE\nDaddy certainly does have an extensive\nwardrobe.\n\nLANDLORD\nHe is a fine dresser and I'm sure I\ndon't have to tell you he's quite\n\npopular with the ladies.\n\nELAINE\nMy father, really? I had no idea.\n\nLANDLORD\nYes, they're crazy about him. There\nwas one in particular, came\n\naround about two years ago, looked a lot like you, Professor.\nCould have been\n\nyour mother. What was her name again? Carter? Kramer! That's\nit, Babs\n\nKramer. Nasty woman, many a night I had to throw her out on the\nstreet, drunken\n\nstumblebum.\n\nKRAMER\nYou don't say?\n\nELAINE\nI found it!\n\nLANDLORD\nThe woman used to walk around here half\nnaked, sucking Colt 45 from a\n\ncan. Her big fat stomach hanging out, orthopedic hose up to her\nknees,\n\nscreaming down the hall, \"Come back to bed, Albert, you big hairy\nape, and bring\n\nback that box of Danish!\"\n\nThroughout the landlord's narrative, Kramer becomes more and\nmore agitated.\n\nFinally, he grabs the pipe out of his mouth.\n\nNew scene.\n\nThe four are at their usual booth at the coffee shop.\n\nKRAMER\nSo I grabbed the guy by the collar.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, and I yelled out, Kramer! Kramer,\nyou're killing him!\"\n\nJERRY\nSo I assume the jig was up.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, pretty much.\n\nKramer shows off the fruits of their labor; he's wearing the\njacket. Audrey\n\nwalks in, her nose has been repaired and she's absolutely beautiful.\n\nAUDREY\nHi.\n\nELAINE\nHi!\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nAUDREY\nHello.\n\nGEORGE\nAudrey? My god, you look incredible!\nI can't believe it!\n\nAUDREY\nWell, it was his doctor. He was wonderful.\n\nELAINE\nSo, will I see you later tonight?\n\nAUDREY\nNot sure.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I'll check\n\nyou guys out later. (To Audrey) Ready?\n\nAUDREY\nI didn't wash.\n\nKRAMER\nNeither did I. We're off to the Reggae\nLounge.\n\nELAINE\nIsn't she beautiful? Her nose is in\nsuch perfect\n\nproportion with the rest of her face. She's breathtaking! Who\nwould have\n\nthough she's like--\n\nGEORGE\nElaine. Shut up.\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nThe technical term for a nose job is rhinoplasty. Rhino, okay?\nDo we really\n\nneed to insult the person at this particular moment of their\nlives? They know\n\nthey have a big nose, that's why they're coming in. Do they really\nneed the\n\nabuse of being compared to a rhinoceros on top of everything\nelse? When someone\n\ngoes in for a hair transplant, they don't go, \"We're going to\nperform a\n\ncue-ballectomy on you, Mr. Johnson. We're going to attempt to\nremove the\n\nskinheadia of your chrome-domus which is the technical term.\"\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Stranded.html",
    "text": "THE STRANDED\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David, Jerry Seinfeld & Matt Goldman\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nSo I was in the drug store the other day, trying to get a cold\nmedication. You\n\never try and pick one of these out? It's not easy. It's a wall.\nIt's an\n\nentire wall of cold medication, you stand there, you're going,\n\"Alright,\n\nalright, alright, okay, what the hell-- This is quick acting,\nbut this is long\n\nlasting. When do I need to feel good, now or later?\" It's a\ntough question.\n\nAnd they always show you the commercials on TV where they show\nyou what's wrong\n\nwith the guy, you know? They always show you, like, all the\nproblems that he's\n\nhaving. First of all, the always show you the human body, which\nis usually this\n\nguy. No face, mouth open, this is how drug companies see the\npublic. And he's\n\nalways in, like, a certain pain, it's like red wavy lines are\ngoing through him\n\nor he's glowing, parts of him are on fire sometimes, lightning\nis attacking him.\n\nI never had a doctor say to me, \"Are you having any pain?\" \"Yes\nI am.\" \"Are\n\nyou having any lightning with the pain?\"\n\nFirst scene.\n\nJerry and George are in a drug store.\n\nJERRY\nHow did you get fleas?\n\nGEORGE\nBecause my cousin's imbecile dog was\nrolling around outside and they\n\ngot in his carpet.\n\nJERRY\nMaybe you can get yourself a little\nbowtie flea collar.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's not funny. So, are you coming\nto the party?\n\nJERRY\nI'd go, but Long Island, it's so far\nout, it smacks of desperation. The\n\nwhole party, everyone's gonna be saying to me, \"You came all\nthe way out from\n\nManhattan for this?\"\n\nGEORGE\nYou know Ava's gonna be there.\n\nJERRY\nWho?\n\nGEORGE\nThe nice one that works in my office.\n\nJERRY\nNah.\n\nGEORGE\nI'll drive.\n\nJERRY\nOh, well, now you're talking.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's supposed to be a good party.\n\nJERRY\nWhat does that mean, good dip?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, there'll be girls there.\n\nJERRY\nThere's girls everywhere. I go out\nof my apartment, there's girls in\n\nthe elevator. They're in cafeterias, subways, so what?\n\nGEORGE\nThere's a hundred different things here.\nWhat's the difference between\n\nthese two? (They each grab a box and check the ingredients)\nYou got\n\npropylparabin?\n\nJERRY\nGot it.\n\nGEORGE\nYou got isobutane-30?\n\nJERRY\nI got isobutane-20.\n\nGEORGE\nA-ha.\n\nJERRY\nYou got sorbitant sesquioliate?\n\nGEORGE\nGot it.\n\nJERRY\nI have aloe!\n\nGEORGE\nYou got aloe? I love aloe.\n\nJERRY\nWhere do they make yours?\n\nGEORGE\nJersey.\n\nJERRY\nWhite Plains.\n\nGeorge puts down the \"Jersey\" box and grabs the \"White Plains\"\nbox from Jerry\n\nand they go to the check out counter. Two women are standing\nat the magazine\n\nrack in the background.\n\nJERRY\nGirls. There's girls right here in\nthe store. Look, look, there's one\n\nover there. Look, there's another one. Soon as I walk outside\nthere'll be\n\ngirls out there. What's the matter?\n\nGEORGE\nI gave her a twenty, she only gave me\nchange for a ten.\n\nJERRY\nAre you sure? Oh boy, here we go.\n\nGEORGE\nExcuse me, I gave you a twenty dollar\nbill and you\n\nonly actually gave me change for a ten.\n\nCASHIER\nYou gave me a ten.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm positive I gave you a twenty.\n\nCASHIER\nI know what you gave me.\n\nGEORGE\nYou owe me ten dollars.\n\nCASHIER\nWill you please step aside? Next?\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, let's just examine the situation\nfor a second. Who, in this\n\nsituation, would be more likely to make a mistake? Me, who had\naccess to my\n\nwallet, knew exactly what was in there? Or you--\n\nCASHIER\nYou.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no, no, see you're not really listening.\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nWhat's the problem here?\n\nGEORGE\nNo problem. There's no problem. She\njust owes me ten dollars, that's\n\nall.\n\nCASHIER\nHe's claiming short.\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nAlright, let's just take it outside.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, so you don't believe me either?\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nCome on, let's go.\n\nGEORGE\nYou haven't won. You may think you've\nwon, but you haven't won. Do\n\nyou know why? It's not over. This is not over. I'm not forgetting\nwhat's\n\nhappening here. You have my ten dollars. I will get it back.\nAlright, don't\n\nworry. It's not over. I'm going now. Good bye. I will be\nback.\n\nNew scene.\n\nGeorge, Elaine and Jerry enter The Party and stand by the door\n.\n\nELAINE\nWell don't stand here, let's walk in,\nblend in, blend in.\n\nJERRY\nNo, let's survey first. Camp here.\n\nGEORGE\nEva.\n\nA beautiful woman starts walking over.\n\nJERRY\nWhat could possess anyone to throw a\nparty? I mean, to have a bunch of\n\nstrangers treat your house like a hotel room.\n\nAVA\nSo, guess who just sold 129 West 81st.\n\nGEORGE\nOh no you didn't. Get out, when?\n\nAVA\nYesterday\n\nGEORGE\nI don't believe it.\n\nAVA\nAsk Mark.\n\nGEORGE\nMark, is this true?\n\nA man across the room nods. George and Ava walk towards him.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, this has got disaster written\nall over it.\n\nELAINE\nHow did I ever let you talk me into\nthis, I must have been out of my\n\nmind.\n\nJERRY\nNow listen, let's keep an eye on each\nother tonight. In case one of us\n\ngets in a bad conversation, we should have a signal that you're\nin trouble so\n\nthe other one can get us out of it.\n\nELAINE\nHow old are you?\n\nJERRY\nThirty-six. What's the signal? Howbout\nthis? Chicken wing? No, no,\n\nno, I got a better one. Head patting.\n\nELAINE\nWhatever you want.\n\nFast forward a bit, Jerry is sitting on the couch with a stranger.\n\nGUY\nYou came all the way out from Manhattan\nfor this?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, yeah I did.\n\nGUY\nSo what do you do?\n\nJERRY\nI'm a comedian.\n\nGUY\nAre you? Lemme ask you something.\nWhere do you get your material?\n\nJERRY\nI hear a voice.\n\nGUY\nWhat kind of voice?\n\nJERRY\nA man's voice, but he speaks in German\nso I have to get a translator.\n\nGUY\nHow come you keep tapping your head.\n\nJERRY\nIt's a nervous tic. I'm on L-Dopa.\n\nCut to Elaine, engaged in a conversation with another guy and\npatting her head.\n\nGUY\nOn the other hand, you take a guy like\nGeorge Washington Carver. The man\n\ndevoted his whole life to the peanut. Imagine having so much\npassion for\n\nsomething.\n\nCut back to Jerry and his 'guy'.\n\nGUY\nYa know, people tell me I'm a funny\nguy.\n\nCut back to Elaine and her 'guy'. She's still tapping madly.\n\nGUY\nI've often wondered if he ever worked\nwith the pecan.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, me too.\n\nGUY\nNow is that considered a nut, because\nI know the cashew is a legume.\n\nCut to George, now talking with Jerry.\n\nGEORGE\nHow's it going?\n\nJERRY\nGreat, how about you?\n\nGEORGE\nI can't believe what's happening here.\nShe hasn't taken her hands off\n\nme all night. She was always friendly around the office, but\nthat was it.\n\nJERRY\nHow do you account for this?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know, maybe a safe fell on her\nhead.\n\nJERRY\nWell, she obviously liked you all along.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I would have picked up on it. I\ncan always tell when a woman likes\n\nme, they always somehow let you know. With me, they could torture\nme, I\n\nwouldn't tell them. If anything I'd try to make them think I\ndon't like them,\n\nthen they think, \"Oh, look at this guy, he's not even looking\nat me, he must\n\nhave something going for him.\"\n\nJERRY\nAnyway, I'm ready to go.\n\nGEORGE\nNow?\n\nJERRY\nIf not now, when?\n\nGEORGE\nGimme a half-hour.\n\nJERRY\nOkay, half-hour.\n\nCut to Elaine and the 'peanut guy'. By now, she's weary from\ntapping.\n\nGUY\nPeanut brittle, peanut butter, peanut\noil...\n\nJERRY\nCan I talk to you for a second?\n\nELAINE\nOh, excuse me. (gets up to talk with\nJerry) What have you been doing,\n\nI've been smacking myself senseless. People think I'm a mental\npatient.\n\nJERRY\nHey, I was dying over there.\n\nELAINE\nThis guy's going off on the peanut.\nNow pay attention.\n\nFast forward a bit, a woman (Ellen) is talking to Jerry.\n\nELLEN\nYeah, I think I've seen you in a club.\nYou talk about a lot of every\n\nday things, right?\n\nJERRY\nRight.\n\nELLEN\nYeah, I remember you.\n\nEllen turns her back and the camera pans out to Elaine, sitting\non the couch\n\nnear a pretentious woman.\n\nWOMAN\nI wonder what happened to my fianc\u00e9.\nI know he's here somewhere.\n\nEllen? Have you seen my fianc\u00e9?\n\nELLEN\nHe's upstairs.\n\nWOMAN\nAre you going upstairs? Tell my fianc\u00e9\nI'm looking for him. I have\n\nlost my fianc\u00e9, the poor baby.\n\nELAINE\nMaybe the dingo ate your baby.\n\nWOMAN\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nThe dingo ate your baby!\n\nCut to George and Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nYou ready?\n\nGEORGE\nListen, I have a tremendous favor to\nask.\n\nJERRY\nI do favors.\n\nGEORGE\nI think something's happening here.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nI think she wants me to take her home.\n\nJERRY\nWow.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat should I do?\n\nJERRY\nGo! What could you do?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about you and Elaine?\n\nJERRY\nWe'll get a ride.\n\nGEORGE\nAre you sure?\n\nJERRY\nWe'll be fine, what did she say?\n\nGEORGE\nShe told me she wants-- (Pauses until\na woman coming down the stairs\n\npasses) She told me she wants me to make love to her.\n\nJERRY\nWhat? She said that?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nGet out of here.\n\nGEORGE\nI swear.\n\nJERRY\nWhat did you say?\n\nGEORGE\nI, I, I can't.\n\nJERRY\nWhat did you say?\n\nGEORGE\nPlease, it's--\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nI... I... I long for you.\n\nJERRY\nI long for you?\n\nGEORGE\nI was so shocked I was lucky I said\nanything.\n\nJERRY\nIt's okay, that's not bad.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't like when a woman says, 'Make\nlove to me', it's intimidating.\n\nThe last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing\nto her.\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\nGEORGE\nThat's a lot of pressure. Make love\nto me. What am I, in the circus?\n\nWhat if I can't deliver?\n\nJERRY\nOh, come on.\n\nGEORGE\nI can't perform under pressure. That's\nwhy I never play anything for\n\nmoney, I choke. I could choke tonight. And she works in my\noffice, can you\n\nimagine? She goes around telling everyone what happened? Maybe\nI should\n\ncancel, I have a very bad feeling about this.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, you're thinking too much.\n\nGEORGE\nI know, I know, I can't stop it!\n\nCut to Elaine, talking with yet another guy on the couch.\n\nELAINE\nWell, right now I'm reading manuscripts\nfor Pendant Publishing.\n\nJERRY\nPendant? Those bastards.\n\nELAINE\nExcuse me.\n\nJERRY\nListen, George is going home with this\nAva from his office\n\nELAINE\nReally? Huh. What a world. So we\ncan go now?\n\nJERRY\nUh, no, he's taking the car.\n\nELAINE\nWell, what are we gonna do for a ride?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know.\n\nELAINE\nYou don't know?\n\nJERRY\nMaybe Kramer can come pick us up.\n\nELAINE\nOh great, oh, this is great. How could\nyou let him take the car?\n\nJERRY\nThere's nothing I could do, it's part\nof the code.\n\nMid-episode monologue\n\nAll plans between men are tentative. If one man should suddenly\nhave an\n\nopportunity to pursue a woman, it's like these two guys never\nmet each other\n\never in life. This is the male code. And it doesn't matter\nhow important the\n\narrangements are, I mean, most of the time when they scrub a\nspace shuttle\n\nmission it's because one of the astronauts met someone on his\nway to the launch\n\npad. They hold that countdown. He's leaning against the rocket\ntalking to her,\n\n\"So listen, when I get back what do you say we get together for\nsome Tang?\"\n\nELAINE\nOh look at that. Look at what she's\nwearing.\n\nYou see what she's wearing?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, yeah, alright.\n\nELAINE\nI can't believe she's walking around\nin that.\n\nJERRY\nJust don't make a scene.\n\nELAINE\nHey, is that real fur?\n\nJERRY\nOh boy.\n\nEVA\nIt better be or my ex-husband owes me\nan explanation.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, good night.\n\nELAINE\nYou don't care that innocent defenseless\nanimals are being tortured so\n\nthat you can look good?\n\nGEORGE\nCould we talk about this some other\ntime?\n\nAVA\nAre you a vegetarian?\n\nJERRY\nHere we go.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I eat fish occasionally.\n\nAVA\nSo you're a hypocrite.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, I've eaten frogs, so nobody's perfect.\nAnyway-\n\nAVA\nWell, talk to me when you stop eating\nfish.\n\nELAINE\nFish don't feel any pain.\n\nAVA\nHow do you know? Do you communicate\nwith fish?\n\nELAINE\nWell, they're not kept in little cages.\n\nAVA\nEver seen a goldfish?\n\nGEORGE\nGoldfish.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, yeah I've seen goldfish. They're\nnot unhappy.\n\nAVA\nOh yeah, right. Swim around in a bowl\nfor two weeks and get flushed down\n\nthe toilet, that's a good life. (To George) Let's go.\n\nELAINE\nOh yeah, that's right. Go ahead, go\nahead, maybe you can run over a\n\nsquirrel!\n\nGEORGE\nThat's why we're here in America.\n\nJERRY\nYou're beautiful.\n\nELAINE\nCall Kramer.\n\nJERRY\nAlright. (Approaches host) Excuse me,\nthis is your party, right?\n\nSTEVE\nNo, I just live here.\n\nJERRY\nCan I use your phone?\n\nSTEVE\nWhat's in it for me?\n\nJERRY\nA bigger bill?\n\nSTEVE\nHe he, go for it.\n\nJerry picks up the phone and dials.\n\nJERRY\nKrame? Sein. What are you doing?\nWell, I'm stuck out here on Long\n\nIsland. What are your thoughts about taking a ride? You sure?\nOkay, but don't\n\nleave me hanging here. Okay, great. Let me give you directions.\n\nCut to several hours later. The party has ended. The hosts,\nSteve and Jenny,\n\nare cleaning up, Elaine and Jerry are still there.\n\nELAINE\nYou sure you don't need any help?\n\nJENNY\nNo, not really.\n\nJERRY\nI'm sure he'll be here any minute.\n\nJENNY\nI want them out of here.\n\nELAINE\nCall him again.\n\nJERRY\nI called, what should I do? (To Jenny)\nWe really appreciate this.\n\nJENNY\nIt's two o'clock in the morning.\n\nJERRY\nOh, you got the Civil War book. I saw\n\nsome of that show, it was wonderful.\n\nELAINE\nSix hundred and twenty million people\ndied.\n\nJERRY\nThousand.\n\nELAINE\nThousand. Six hundred and twenty thousand.\nThe horror, the horror.\n\n(To Jerry) The wife keeps giving us dirty looks. Are you sure\nyou gave him the\n\nright directions?\n\nJERRY\nYes. (To Jenny) You're sure there's\nnothing we can do?\n\nJENNY\nNo! (To Steve) I am not going to bed\nwith them in out house, this is\n\nridiculous.\n\nJERRY\nYou know a friend of my father's used\nto live right around here. Mike\n\nWichter. He sold plastic straws. You know the ones? You could\nbend them.\n\nELAINE\nHave you noticed, people don't use straws\nas much as they used to for\n\nsome reason.\n\nJENNY\nYou know, it doesn't look as if your\nfriend is coming.\n\nJERRY\nOh, he's coming.\n\nJENNY\nMaybe you should take a look at a train\nschedule.\n\nJenny sees a figure outside the kitchen window and screams.\n\nJERRY\nThat's him.\n\nJENNY\nI'm going to bed!\n\nELAINE\nThanks a lot.\n\nJERRY\nThanks, great party.\n\nAs Jenny storms up the stairs there's a knock at the door, Steve\nanswers.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, how ya doing?\n\nSTEVE\nAh, look who's here.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm sorry.\n\nJERRY\nHey, it's okay.\n\nKRAMER\nI had the directions on the seat right\nnext to me, they flew out the\n\nwindow.\n\nELAINE\nThen how did you find the place?\n\nKRAMER\nWell I knew the exit on the Long Island\nExpressway, and I thought that\n\nthe address was 8713 Riviera Drive. Uh uh, so I drove around\nknocking on\n\neverybody's doors that had those numbers; 8317, 7813, 3718, 1837,\nwhoo.\n\nFinally, I hit it. 8173.\n\nJERRY\nAnyway, thanks a lot for letting us\nstay here, Steve, I really owe you\n\none.\n\nSTEVE\nNo problem.\n\nJERRY\nAnd if you're ever in the city, you\nknow, you want to come to a comedy\n\nclub, whatever.\n\nSTEVE\nHey, I might take you up on that.\n\nJERRY\nHere's my address and number. And really,\nthanks again.\n\nKRAMER\nYou better zip up. I couldn't get the\ntop on the\n\nconvertible up.\n\nELAINE\nBut it's cold out.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, wait till we get on the Expressway.\n\nNew scene.\n\nJerry's at his apartment, talking on the phone.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, I've been sick all week. Elaine\nwas too. Eighty miles an hour,\n\nforty degree temperature for fifty minutes. Do the math. Yeah,\nmaybe I will\n\nget out. Hey, let me just stop off at the drug store first.\nOkay, meet me down\n\nthere in fifteen minutes then we'll go do something. Yeah, Selwyn's.\nOkay bye.\n\nJerry hangs up and grabs his coat and there's a knock at the\ndoor.\n\nJERRY\nWho is it?\n\nVOICE\nMr. Pocatello.\n\nJERRY\nWho?\n\nVOICE\nYou mean you don't recognize my voice?\n\nJerry opens the door. Steve steps in.\n\nSTEVE\nJerry, baby!\n\nJERRY\nDo I know you?\n\nSTEVE\nBoy this comedy's really frying your\nbrain.\n\nJERRY\nI'm sorry, uh-\n\nSTEVE\nSee, this is the kind of lasting impression\nI make on people.\n\nJERRY\nOh, okay.\n\nSTEVE\nYou said if I was ever in the city,\nI'm in the city.\n\nJERRY\nYou certainly are. What's going on?\n\nSTEVE\nI'm just waiting for a lift back to\nthe island, he won't be ready until\n\neleven, so I figured I'd give you a break. I thought I'd see\nwhat it was like\n\nto hang out with someone in show business.\n\nJERRY\nListen, I'm really sorry but I'm just\non my way out to meet a friend.\n\nSTEVE\nOh, come on, you can come up with something\nbetter than that.\n\nJERRY\nNo, really, I just got off the phone\nwith him.\n\nSTEVE\nI understand.\n\nJERRY\nLook, you can hang out here if you want.\n\nSTEVE\nDon't be so enthusiastic.\n\nJERRY\nNo, it's-\n\nSTEVE\nI'm not gonna steal anything.\n\nJERRY\nNo, of course not, just close the door\nwhen you leave.\n\nSTEVE\nI think I can do that.\n\nJERRY\nReally, I'm sorry. Maybe another time.\n\nSTEVE\nYeah. Let's have lunch.\n\nNew scene.\n\nJerry and George are at the drug store.\n\nJERRY\nThey guy's in my house right now. What\na mistake that party was, I\n\nnever should have gone.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, me either.\n\nJERRY\nOh, come on.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat come on? Have you ever dated a\nwoman that worked in your office?\n\nJERRY\nI've never had a job.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know the anxiety you feel on a date?\nThat's what I have every day\n\nnow. My worst nightmare's come true, every day is a date.\n\nJERRY\nThat's one of Dante's nine stages of\nhell, isn't it?\n\nGEORGE\nAva was one of the reasons I used to\nlike going to work, she was a\n\nfriend. Now we sleep together and suddenly, I don't know how\nto talk to her.\n\nEvery time I go to the bathroom I pass her desk. I have to plan\nlittle patter.\n\nI spend half my day writing. Then afterwards, I sit in my office\nand analyze\n\nhow it went. If it was a good conversation, I don't go to the\nbathroom for the\n\nrest of the day. I see her laughing and talking with other people,\nthey're all\n\nso loose and relaxed, I think, 'that used to be me. I want to\ngo back there\n\nagain.'\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you gonna do?\n\nGEORGE\nI have no choice, I'm quitting.\n\nCut back to Steve sitting alone on Jerry's couch watching TV.\nKramer walks in\n\nand it takes a moment for him to recognize the visitor.\n\nKRAMER\nThe party, Long Island?\n\nSTEVE\nKramer, right?\n\nKRAMER\nHey, what are you doing here?\n\nSTEVE\nI'm waiting for my ride.\n\nKRAMER\nWhere's Jerry?\n\nSTEVE\nHe split. Let me ask you something.\nIs there anything to drink in here\n\nor is that, like, a stupid question?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, Jerry, he doesn't have anything.\n(Sensing Steve's\n\ndisappointment) Well, but I might have something.\n\nCut back to Jerry and George at the drugstore. Jerry is selecting\nmedication.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, I'm gonna get this. This looks\ngood.\n\nGEORGE\nHow much is that?\n\nJERRY\nNine sixty.\n\nGEORGE\nNine sixty? Give it to me.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nGEORGE\nDon't worry, I got it.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you mean, you got it?\n\nGEORGE\nI got it.\n\nGeorge takes the box and begins to place it in his jacket.\n\nJERRY\nSince when are you treating me to medicine?\nWhat are you doing? You're\n\nstealing this, aren't you?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm not stealing it. They owe me ten\ndollars. They stole from me.\n\nJERRY\nYou're a lunatic.\n\nGEORGE\nI have to do this, it's a matter of\nhonor.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you say to a person like you?\n\nGEORGE\nJust walk.\n\nJERRY\nOh.\n\nA security guard approaches George.\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nScuse me. What do you got there?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nWhat do you got in your shirt?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, I was gonna pay for this.\n\nSECURITY GUARD\n\nCome with me.\n\nGEORGE\nWhere are you taking me? I was gonna\npay for it.\n\nCASHIER\num-hmm.\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nYou don't think I remember you?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nI know who you are, I was watching you.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you gonna do? Are you gonna\ncall the police?\n\nThe Security Guard drags George away and Jerry steps to the counter.\n\nJERRY\nCan I still buy this or is this evidence\nnow?\n\nCut back to Kramer and Steve, they're obviously tanked. Kramer\nis in the middle\n\nof a story.\n\nKRAMER\nSo, I'm chasing these doves down the\nstreet and she's screaming at the\n\ntop of her lungs, and then when the magician comes back from\nEurope, two of them\n\nturned brown! Well I followed the instructions!\n\nThey both erupt in raucous laughter.\n\nSTEVE\nAh, they turned brown!! Brown!! (the\nlaughter winds down)\n\nSo let me ask you something, you know any women we could call?\n\nKRAMER\nNot really.\n\nSTEVE\nMaybe we should call one of those escort\nservices. I saw one of them\n\nadvertised before on the cable station.\n\nKramer (handing Steve the phone) 555-LOVE.\n\nSTEVE\nHey, you want in on this?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, I got a girl in the next building\n\nNew scene.\n\nJerry is outside his apartment door, as he puts in the key, he\nhears a woman's\n\nvoice from inside.\n\nVOICE\nNow I want my money, mister, and I ain't\nleaving until I get it. Now I\n\nam through playing games with you, I got things to do.\n\nSTEVE\nOh Jerry! Jerry! Look who's here,\nit's Jerry\n\nJERRY\nWhat the hell?\n\nSTEVE\nJerry, this is Patti.\n\nJERRY\nNice to meet you.\n\nPATTI\nIt's a pleasure to make your acquaintance,\nI'm sure.\n\nJERRY\nWhat the hell is going on here?\n\nSTEVE\nI don't know, but I gotta do this more\noften. (The buzzer goes off)\n\nOoh, there's my ride, finally.\n\nPATTI\nI'm not gonna go anywhere until I get\nthe rest of my money.\n\nSTEVE\nSee ya, Jerr. And tell Kramer thanks\nand I'll call him tomorrow.\n\nJERRY\nOh, Kramer huh?\n\nSTEVE\nYeah, he's a hoot. Oh, goodbye, my\ndear. (trying to kiss Patti's hand\n\nas she pulls it away) Ouch. (To Jerry) Weekend of the 26th,\ncome on out,\n\nwe're having another party.\n\nSteve walks out, leaving the front door open.\n\nPATTI\nI ain't leaving.\n\nJERRY\nPatti?\n\nPATTI\nYou got anything to drink?\n\nJERRY\nAlright, how much does he owe you?\n\nPATTI\nFifty dollars.\n\nJERRY\nFifty dollars.\n\nIn mid-payment, a police officer walks through the open door.\n\nCOP\nThis your apartment?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, but--\n\nCOP\nYou're under arrest for solicitation\nof prostitution.\n\nJERRY\nWait a second, I--\n\nElaine walks in.\n\nELAINE\nI brought you chicken soup. (To Patti)\nIs that real fur?\n\nJERRY\nOh boy.\n\nNew scene.\n\nJerry and George are at Jerry's apartment, watching TV and eating\npizza.\n\nGEORGE\nYou had Sgt. Chadway? Me too.\n\nJERRY\nHe was a nice guy.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, great guy.\n\nJERRY\nWas there a red-headed guy there?\n\nGEORGE\nThe one with the long sideburns?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nWhere does he come off?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I know. There's no call for that\nkind of attitude.\n\nGEORGE\nOne of the guys in my cell threw a piece\nof gum at him.\n\nJERRY\nOh, we all hated him.\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nThere's two types of favors, the big favor and the small favor.\nYou can measure\n\nthe size of the favor by the pause that a person takes after\nthey ask you to 'do\n\nme a favor.' Small favor, small pause. Can you do me a favor,\nhand me that\n\npencil? No pause at all. Big favors are, 'Could you do me a\nfavor...' (huge\n\npause, followed by closing credits.)\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Alternate-Side.html",
    "text": "THE ALTERNATE SIDE\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David & Bill Masters\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nSeems to me the way they design the car alarm is so that the\ncar will behave as\n\nif it was a nervous hysterical person. Anyone goes near it, anyone\ndisturbs it,\n\nit's aaaaaahhhhhhh! Lights flashing on and off, acting all crazy.\nNot\n\neverybody wants to draw that much attention to themselves, wouldn't\nit be nice\n\nif you could have a car alarm that was a little more subtle?\nYou know, somebody\n\ntries to break in, it goes, \"Ahem. Ahem. Excuse me?\" I would\nlike a car alarm\n\nlike that.\n\nFirst scene.\n\nJerry and George are entering Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nDo you believe this? The car was parked\nright out front.\n\nGEORGE\nWas the alarm on?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, I guess it was on. I don't\nknow my alarm sound; I'm not\n\ntuned in to it like it's my son.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't understand, how do these thieves\nstart the car?\n\nJERRY\nThey cross the wires or something.\n\nGEORGE\nCross the wires? I can't even make a\npot of spaghetti.\n\nKramer enters.\n\nJERRY\nThey stole my car.\n\nKRAMER\nWho did?\n\nJERRY\nThey did.\n\nKRAMER\nWas it more than just one?\n\nJERRY\nWhat should I do, should I call the\npolice?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat are they gonna do?\n\nJERRY\nI'd better call the car phone company,\ncancel my service.\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe you should call your car phone.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, he's probably driving it right\nnow.\n\nGEORGE\nWait a minute, call the car phone, see\nwhat happens.\n\nJERRY\nAre you serious?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, go ahead, call.\n\nJERRY\nI don't even know if I remember the\nnumber.\n\nJerry dials.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do I say if he picks up?\n\nCAR THIEF\nHello?\n\nJERRY\nHello? Is this 555-8383?\n\nCAR THIEF\nI have no idea.\n\nJERRY\nCan I ask you a question?\n\nCAR THIEF\nSure.\n\nJERRY\nDid you steal my car?\n\nCAR THIEF\nYes I did.\n\nJERRY\nYou did?!\n\nCAR THIEF\nI did.\n\nJERRY\nThat's my car!\n\nCAR THIEF\nI didn't know it was yours.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you gonna do with it?\n\nCAR THIEF\nI dunno, drive around.\n\nJERRY\nThen can I have it back?\n\nCAR THIEF\nMmmm, nah, I'm gonna keep it.\n\nKramer gestures for Jerry to hand him the phone.\n\nKRAMER\nHello?\n\nCAR THIEF\nYeah, who's this?\n\nKRAMER\nKramer.\n\nCAR THIEF\nHello, Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nListen, there's a pair of gloves in\nthe glove compartment.\n\nCAR THIEF\nWait, hold on... Brown ones?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Listen, could you mail those to\nme? Or bring them by my\n\nbuilding, it's 129 West 81st St.\n\nCAR THIEF\nOne-two-nine, okay.\n\nKRAMER\nThanks a lot, uh here's Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nGloves. (Into the phone) Hello?\n\nCAR THIEF\nJerry?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, let me ask you a question. How\ndo you cross those wires?\n\nCAR THIEF\nI didn't cross any wires, the keys were\nin it.\n\nJERRY\nSid left the keys in the car. Alright,\nI gotta go. Drive carefully.\n\nCAR THIEF\nJerry, when's the last time you had\na tune-up? Because I can't find\n\nthe--\n\nJerry hangs up.\n\nJERRY\nSid left the keys in the car.\n\nGEORGE\nWho's Sid?\n\nJERRY\nHe's this guy in the neighborhood, parks\ncars on the block.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat do you mean?\n\nJERRY\nHe moves them from one side of the street\nto the other so you don't get\n\na ticket.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, do you pay him for that?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, like fifty bucks a month.\n\nGEORGE\nHow many people does he do that for?\n\nJERRY\nThe whole block, forty, fifty cars.\n\nKRAMER\nHe only works three hours a day. He\nmakes a fortune. Course he's been\n\ndoing that for years, right Jerry?\n\nGEORGE\nCould anybody do that?\n\nSid enters.\n\nJERRY\nHey Sid, what happened?\n\nSID\nI'm sorry, Jerry. Maybe I'm getting\ntoo old for this stuff.\n\nJERRY\nYou left the keys in the car?\n\nSID\nWell, you know they're making that Woody\nAllen movie in the block, and all\n\nthose people and trucks everywhere, when I saw him I must have\ngot a little\n\ndistracted.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know I'm in that movie?\n\nGEORGE\nYou are?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I'm an extra.\n\nGEORGE\nHow'd you get that?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I was just watching them film\nyesterday and some guy just asked\n\nme.\n\nGEORGE\nRight out of the clear blue sky?\n\nKRAMER\nClear blue sky!\n\nGEORGE\nWell, why didn't they ask me?\n\nKRAMER\nI got a quality.\n\nSID\nJerry, you got insurance, right?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, but no car. I'll have to rent\none.\n\nSID\nWell I'm going down to visit my sister\nin Virginia next Wednesday, for a\n\nweek, so I can't park it.\n\nJERRY\nThis Wednesday?\n\nSID\nNo, next Wednesday, week after this\nWednesday.\n\nJERRY\nBut the Wednesday two days from now\nis the next Wednesday.\n\nSID\nIf I meant this Wednesday, I would have\nsaid this Wednesday. It's the\n\nweek after this Wednesday.\n\nGEORGE\nSid, who's gonna move the cars while\nyou're away?\n\nSID\nWhoever wants to move them, why do I\ncare who moves them? They can move\n\nthemselves if they want.\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe I could move them until you get\nback.\n\nSID\nWhat's a young man like you want to\nmove cars for? You don't work?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm in a transition phase right now.\n\nSID\nWell if you want to move the cars, move\nthe cars. Just don't forget to\n\ntake the keys out, that's all.\n\nPhone rings.\n\nJERRY\nHello? Yeah, the defroster's the one\non the bottom, just slide it all\n\nthe way over. You're welcome.\n\nNew scene.\n\nJerry and Elaine are in line at the rental car agency.\n\nELAINE\nI'm in awe of his intellect, when he\ntalks it sounds like he's reading\n\nfrom one of his novels.\n\nJERRY\nOwen March, I never heard of him.\n\nELAINE\nWell, he's not a baseball player.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, that's true. Well it sounds like\nit's going pretty good.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. Well, there is one little problem.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's that?\n\nELAINE\nHe's sixty-six years old.\n\nRENTAL CAR AGENT\nNext please.\n\nELAINE\nWell, go, go.\n\nAGENT\nCan I help you? Name please?\n\nJERRY\nSeinfeld. I made a reservation for a\nmid-size, and she's a small. I'm\n\nkidding around, of course.\n\nAGENT\nOkay, let's see here.\n\nJERRY\nSixty-six years old?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, well, he's in perfect health.\nHe works out, he's vibrant. You'd\n\nreally like him.\n\nJERRY\nWhy do people always say that? I hate\neveryone, why would I like him?\n\nELAINE\nWhat do you think, would you go out\nwith a sixty-six year old woman?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I'll tell you, she would have\nto be really vibrant. So vibrant,\n\nshe'd be spinning.\n\nAGENT\nI'm sorry, we have no mid-size available\nat the moment.\n\nJERRY\nI don't understand, I made a reservation,\ndo you have my reservation?\n\nAGENT\nYes, we do, unfortunately we ran out\nof cars.\n\nJERRY\nBut the reservation keeps the car here.\nThat's why you have the\n\nreservation.\n\nAGENT\nI know why we have reservations.\n\nJERRY\nI don't think you do. If you did, I'd\nhave a car. See, you know how to\n\ntake the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation\nand\n\nthat's really the most important part of the reservation, the\nholding. Anybody\n\ncan just take them.\n\nAGENT\nLet me, uh, speak with my supervisor.\n\nThe agent goes into an office with a window in the door so she\ncan be seen\n\nspeaking with someone.\n\nJERRY\nUh, here we go. The supervisor. You\nknow what she's saying over there?\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nHey Marge, you see those two people\nover there? They think I'm talking\n\nto you, so you pretend like you're talking to me, okay now you\nstart talking.\n\nELAINE\nOh, you mean like this? So it looks\nlike I'm saying something but I'm\n\nnot really saying anything at all?\n\nJERRY\nNow you say something else and they\nwon't yell at me 'cause they thought\n\nI was checking with you.\n\nELAINE\nOkay, that's it. I think that's enough,\nsee you later.\n\nThe agent returns.\n\nAGENT\nI'm sorry, my supervisor says there's\nnothing we can do.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, it looked as if you were in a\nreal conversation over there.\n\nAGENT\nBut we do have a compact if you would\nlike that.\n\nJERRY\nFine.\n\nAGENT\nAlright. We have a blue Ford Escort\nfor you Mr. Seinfeld. Would you\n\nlike insurance?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, you better give me the insurance,\nbecause I am gonna beat the hell\n\nout of this car.\n\nAGENT\nPlease fill this out.\n\nELAINE\nWhat do you think, you think I'm making\na big mistake?\n\nJERRY\nHey, if you enjoy being with him, that's\nwhat's important.\n\nELAINE\nI love being with him. I mean, I like\nbeing with him. It's okay being\n\nwith him.\n\nNew scene.\n\nElaine and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment.\n\nELAINE\nI just don't enjoy being with him.\n\nJERRY\nWell that's what's important.\n\nELAINE\nI'm meeting him for lunch at Chadway's\naround the corner, do I have to\n\nbreak up with him face to face or can I just wait and do it over\nthe phone?\n\nJERRY\nHow many times you been out with him?\n\nELAINE\nSeven?\n\nJERRY\nFace to face.\n\nELAINE\nSeven dates is a face-to-face break\nup?\n\nJERRY\nIf it was six I could have let you go,\nbut seven, I'm afraid, is over\n\nthe limit. Unless, of course, there was no sex.\n\nELAINE\nHmm... How's the pasta over there?\n\nKramer enters, as he's walking in, George rushes in, pushes him\nout of the way\n\nand heads for the kitchen sink.\n\nKRAMER\nWhoa, whoa!!\n\nJERRY\nWhat is going on out there?\n\nGEORGE\nI need like a bucket of water! I got\na car overheating, I got an alarm\n\nthat won't go off, I'm pressing 'one', I'm pressing 'two', nothing!\nWhat do I\n\ndo?! Help me! Help me!\n\nGeorge runs off into the bathroom.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, you know they were supposed to\ndo my scene today?\n\nELAINE\nToday?!\n\nKRAMER\nYou know they told me that they wanted\nme to walk down the block\n\ncarrying this bag of groceries.\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\nSo I start to walk, and I trip, and\nthe grocery bag goes flying, and\n\nWoody, Woody starts laughing.\n\nELAINE\nHe was laughing?!\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah, he was drinking something,\nit started to come out of his nose.\n\nJERRY\nSo then what?\n\nKRAMER\nI got a line in the movie!\n\nELAINE\nGet out!\n\nJERRY\nThat's great!\n\nGEORGE\nYou got a line in the Woody Allen movie?\n\nKRAMER\nPretty good, huh?\n\nGEORGE\nYou're in the movie? Is he in the scene?\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah, yeah, it's me and him. I might\nhave a whole new career on my\n\nhands, huh?\n\nJERRY\nYou mean *a* career.\n\nELAINE\nSo was Mia Farrow there?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, I didn't see him.\n\nELAINE\nWhat's your line?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, well uh, okay I'm there with, uh,\nWoody, you know, I'm at this bar\n\nand, uh, I'm sit-- you know it's Woody Allen, did I mention that?\n\nThe other three impatiently encourage Kramer to continue.\n\nKRAMER\nSo I'm sitting there with Woody and\nI say, I turn to him and I go,\n\n\"Boy, these pretzels are making me thirsty.\"\n\nGEORGE\nIs that how you're gonna say it?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, I'm working on it.\n\nELAINE\nDo it like this. \"These pretzels are\nmaking me thirsty.\"\n\nJERRY\nNo. \"These pretzels are making me thirsty.\"\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no. See, that's no good. See, you\ndon't know how to act.\n\nGEORGE\n\"These pretzels are making me thirsty!!\"\n\nJerry pinches his nose.\n\nGEORGE\nThat was no good?\n\nKRAMER\nI didn't say anything.\n\nELAINE\nI'm gonna go break up with Owen.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat was wrong with that? I had a different\ninterpretation! Do you\n\nknow anything about this pretzel guy?! Maybe he's been in the\nbar a really long\n\ntime and he's really depressed because he has no job and no woman\nand he's\n\nparking cars for a living! (out the window to honking cars) Alright!\nAlright!\n\nShut up! Shut up! I hear you! I'm coming down! These pretzels\nare making me\n\nthirsty!\n\nGeorge storms out.\n\nNew scene.\n\nStill Jerry's apartment, some time later. There's a pounding\non the door, Jerry\n\nopens it and Elaine enters with an unconscious older man.\n\nJERRY\nOh my god.\n\nELAINE\nCall an ambulance.\n\nJERRY\nBoy, he took it hard.\n\nNew scene.\n\nOwen is now lying on Jerry's couch and Elaine is explaining what\nhappened.\n\nELAINE\nWe were walking down the block right\nby your house and I was just about\n\nto break up with him then all of a sudden he started to twitch.\n\nJERRY\nHello? Yes, I need an ambulance at one\ntwenty nine west\n\nEighty-first Street, apartment five-A.\n\nELAINE\nTell then to hurry! Hurry!\n\nJERRY\nIt's an ambulance. (To the operator)\nI don't know but he's\n\nunconscious.\n\nKramer enters.\n\nKRAMER\nThese pretzels are making me thirsty.\n(He bites into a pretzel.) Boy,\n\nthese pretzels are making me thirsty.\n\nJERRY\nKramer.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat happened here?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know, I don't know, what should\nwe do? We called an ambulance,\n\ndoes anyone know first aid?\n\nJERRY\nShouldn't you do something with the\nextremities?\n\nELAINE\nWhat extremities?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat's an extremity?\n\nJERRY\nYou raise the feet, get blood to the\nhead.\n\nKRAMER\nYou raise the head, you get blood to\nthe feet.\n\nELAINE\nOkay, what about a cold compress? They\nalways do that.\n\nJERRY\nI don't have a washcloth.\n\nELAINE\nWell use a paper towel.\n\nJERRY\nYou can't put a paper towel on his head.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat about a big sponge?\n\nJERRY\nHow you gonna hold it on there?\n\nKRAMER\nUse a belt.\n\nELAINE\nNo no no no no, that'll, it'll drip\nall over him.\n\nJERRY\nShould we walk him around?\n\nELAINE AND KRAMER\nYes, yes.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I've seen them do that.\n\nJERRY\nNo, no that's for a drug overdose.\n\nKRAMER\nMaybe that's what he's got.\n\nELAINE\nNo no no no, Kramer, I just had lunch\nwith him, he didn't leave the\n\ntable.\n\nKRAMER\nWell he could have dropped acid when\nyou weren't looking.\n\nELAINE\nHe is not a drug addict!\n\nJERRY\nHey, you know what? Maybe he's a diabetic,\nhe might just need a cookie\n\nor something.\n\nELAINE\nA cookie!\n\nKRAMER\nCan you give him a cookie?\n\nELAINE\nHow's he gonna chew it?\n\nJERRY\nWe'll move his teeth, it happened to\nmy uncle, the sugar revived him.\n\nKramer puts a cookie into Owen's mouth and starts working his\njaw up and down.\n\nELAINE\nCareful, you're getting crumbs all over\nhim.\n\nKRAMER\nI got him chewing but I don't think\nhe's gonna swallow.\n\nELAINE\nYou know what, let's put a few cookies\nin a blender and he could drink\n\nit.\n\nJERRY\nCookies don't liquefy.\n\nELAINE\nYes they do, you can liquefy a cookie.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright I'll get a blender.\n\nJERRY\nWhat blender? I don't have a blender.\n\nKRAMER\nYou got a blender.\n\nJERRY\nI would know if I had a blender.\n\nELAINE\nWhere is the ambulance?!\n\nJust then a siren can be heard followed by a skidding sound followed\nby a\n\ncrashing sound.\n\nThe frame dissolves out and in as if to show time passing.\n\nJERRY\nHello, yes, I called for an ambulance\nlike thirty-five\n\nminutes ago.\n\nELAINE\nI can't believe what's going on out\nhere.\n\nJERRY\nThis is an emergency, what's taking\nso long? (the door buzzer buzzes)\n\nWait a second, maybe that's them. (presses button) Hello?\n\nVOICE\nParamedics.\n\nJERRY\nCome on up. Okay, they're here.\n\nELAINE\nHe seems to be breathing.\n\nJERRY\nYa know, I gotta tell you, he's a pretty\ngood-looking guy.\n\nELAINE\nI know.\n\nJERRY\nThose eyebrows could use a trimming,\nyou ever mention that to him?\n\nELAINE\nAlmost.\n\nJERRY\nHey, look at this, c'mon, running wild\nthere.\n\nELAINE\nIt's not an easy thing to bring up.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, that's true.\n\nELAINE\nAw, you should see his bathrobe, man,\nit's all silk.\n\nJERRY\nYeah? Does he wear slippers? I bet he\nwears slippers.\n\nELAINE\nHe does, how'd you know that?\n\nJERRY\nI could tell.\n\nTwo paramedics enter with a stretcher.\n\nELAINE\nWhat happened, what took you so long?!\n\nPARAMEDIC\nWe got here twenty minutes ago but we\ncouldn't move, the whole\n\nintersection is gridlocked, I've never seen anything like it.\nSo finally we\n\nmake the turn and this guy who's running around triple-parking\ncars slammed into\n\nus with a blue Escort.\n\nJERRY\nBlue Escort? That's my rent-a-car!\n\nGeorge enters, blotting his forehead with a washcloth.\n\nGEORGE\nOh man.\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened to the car?\n\nGEORGE\nSorry, you don't know what's going on\nout there! (looks at Owen)\n\nWho's he?\n\nELAINE\nThis guy I'm seeing.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat happened?\n\nJERRY\nWe don't know!\n\nPARAMEDIC\nWho put cookies in his mouth?\n\nJERRY AND ELAINE\nCookies?\n\nPARAMEDIC\nYou're not supposed to do that.\n\nJERRY\nSo how'd you hit the car?\n\nGEORGE\nI was moving it across the street, I\nlooked up and I saw Woody Allen\n\nand I got all distracted.\n\nJERRY\nIt's not even my car, it's a rental.\n\nKramer enters.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat are you doing out there?! You're\nholding up the production of the\n\nmovie! We can't shoot and Woody, he's really mad at you.\n\nGEORGE\nWoody mentioned me? What did he say?\n\nKRAMER\nHe said, 'Who's the moron in the blue\njacket who's got the street all\n\nscrewed up?'\n\nGEORGE\nShould I apologize to Woody?\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, I'll tell you what. Next time\nI talk to him, maybe I'll bring\n\nit up. I'll feel him out.\n\nMid-episode Monologue.\n\nWhat do you think first aid was like though, like hundreds of\nyears ago? You\n\nknow, I mean they had no medicine, no drugs, no technology, no\nequipment.\n\nBasically, they were there first. That was it, that was the whole\nfirst aid.\n\nThey sit with you. That's all they could do. 'Can you help me?'\n'No, no we\n\ncan't help you, we were the first ones here, I don't know if\nyou know that. Did\n\nyou see out truck? First aid, that's our motto. We show up before\nanybody.'\n\nNew scene.\n\nJerry, George and Sid are in Jerry's apartment.\n\nSID\nNow you didn't tell me you didn't know\nhow to drive. You should have\n\nmentioned that.\n\nGEORGE\nWell I know how to drive.\n\nSID\nThen how'd all those cars get damaged?\nWhy are people calling me up\n\nscreaming on the phone? Most of them cancelled out on me.\n\nJERRY\nCan I get anybody anything?\n\nSID\nMoving cars from one side of the street\nto the other don't take no more\n\nsense than putting on a pair of pants. My question to you is\nwho's putting your\n\npants on?\n\nGEORGE\nI put my pants on, Sid.\n\nSID\nI don't believe you. If you can put\nyour pants on, you can move those\n\ncars.\n\nGEORGE\nWell I don't want to get into a big\ndispute about the pants.\n\nSID\nWho's gonna send money to my sister\nin Virginia? Her little boy needs\n\nsurgery on his foot. Now he'll be walking around with a limp\nbecause you can't\n\npark a few cars.\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe I could call my father.\n\nKramer enters holding a newspaper.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, you seen the paper yet?\n\nJERRY\nInterestingly enough, no, inasmuch as\nit is my paper.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. There's an article in there about\nthat writer.\n\nJerry (reading) Owen March, prominent author and essayist suffered\na stroke\n\nyesterday in the upper West Side apartment of a friend.\n\nKRAMER\nUh huh, that's the guy that was here.\nYou're the friend.\n\nJERRY\nThe extent of the damage would have\nbeen far less severe\n\nhad paramedics been able to reach him sooner.\n\nSID\nOh lord.\n\nJERRY\nThe commotion also delayed production\nof a Woody Allen movie\n\nthat was shooting up the block. A spokeswoman for the legendary\nfilmmaker said\n\nthat Mr. Allen was extremely agitated and wondered if his days\nof shooting\n\nmovies in New York were over.\n\nNew scene.\n\nElaine and Jerry are back at the car rental agency, Jerry's eating\na bag of\n\npretzels.\n\nELAINE\nFive seconds. Jerry, I was five seconds\naway from breaking up with\n\nhim. Five seconds. The next words out of my mouth were, 'Owen,\nit's over.'\n\nJERRY\nCan he communicate?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, well, he nods. And I think he\nunderstands me, he seems to enjoy\n\nit when I read to him.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, she's free. (Steps up to the\ncounter) Hi, I called before,\n\nuh, my car got smashed.\n\nELAINE\nSo listen, what should I do? I mean\nif I break up with him now it'll\n\nlook like I'm abandoning him because of his condition, I'll be\nostracized from\n\nthe community.\n\nJERRY\nWhat community? There's a community?\n\nELAINE\nOf course there's a community.\n\nJERRY\nAll these years I'm living in a community,\nI had no idea.\n\nAGENT\nSir the estimate on the damage to your\ncar is two thousand eight hundred\n\nand sixty-six dollars.\n\nJERRY\nHmm, well, I got the insurance and everything\nso...\n\nAGENT\nYes, now, uh, in your report you said\nthat you were not the driver of\n\nthe car at the time of the accident.\n\nJERRY\nThat is right, somebody else was driving.\n\nAGENT\nAlright, well, sir, you're only covered\nfor when you're driving the car.\n\nJERRY\nUh huh, what's that?\n\nAGENT\nYou're not covered for other drivers.\n\nJERRY\nOther drivers?\n\nAGENT\nUm hm.\n\nJERRY\nYour whole business is based on other\ndrivers. It's a rented car.\n\nThat's who's driving it, other drivers. Doesn't my credit card\ncover me or\n\nsomething?\n\nAGENT\nNot that particular one.\n\nJERRY\nWell I got a hundred cards, here, pick\na card, take a card, any card you\n\nwant, go ahead, whichever one, I don't care.\n\nAGENT\nSir, if you had read the rental agreement--\n\nJERRY\nDid you see the size of that document?\nIt's like the Declaration of\n\nIndependence, who's gonna read that?\n\nAGENT\nMr. Seinfeld, as it stands right now,\nyou are not covered for that\n\ndamage and there is absolutely nothing that can be done about\nthat.\n\nJERRY\nThese pretzels are making me thirsty.\n\nNew scene.\n\nElaine and Owen are at Owen's apartment, Owen is in a wheelchair\nand in\n\ngenerally unresponsive as Elaine feeds him soup.\n\nELAINE\nAhh, it's good, isn't it? Yankee Bean.\nWhy Yankee Bean, huh? Don't\n\nthey have beans in the south? I mean if you order Yankee Bean\nin the south, are\n\nthey offended? Huh? (singing) Yankee Bean, Yankee Bean, I like\nmy Yankee\n\nBean. (she puts the bowl down and wipes Owen's mouth with a napkin)\nOwen, I\n\nthink we have to talk. I mean, uh, *I* have to talk. It would\nbe nice if *we*\n\ncould, but, uh, whatever. Um, don't get me wrong, I like coming\nhere, and uh,\n\nfeeding you and cleaning a little, and paying your bills, that's\ngood stuff.\n\nGood stuff! I have a wonderful time when I'm with you, wonderful!\nBut at this\n\npoint in my life, I'm not really sure that I'm ready to make\na commitment to one\n\nperson. I'm just not really sure that we have enough in common.\nFor example, I\n\nlike running in the park, bicycling, roller skating, tennis and\nskiing, and um,\n\nwell, I'm gonna be brutally honest with you now, Owen, it's a\nbitch to get here.\n\nIt's two subways. I have to transfer at Forty-second Street to\ntake the\n\ndouble-R. Anyway, I mean, this doesn't mean we can't be friends.\nThese\n\npretzels are making me thirsty.\n\nNew scene.\n\nCoffee shop. Elaine, Jerry and George are at their usual booth.\n\nELAINE\nCan you die from an odor? I mean, like\nif you were locked in a\n\nvomitorium for two weeks, could you actually die from the odor?\n\nJERRY\nAn overdose of odor? Good question.\n\nGEORGE\nDo I smell?\n\nELAINE\nNo no no no, I was just down on the\nforty-second street subway today,\n\nit is disgusting. Guess who I bumped into. Owen.\n\nJERRY\nAhh.\n\nGEORGE\nHe's alright?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, he's almost fully recovered. He\ntold me he was just using me for\n\nsex.\n\nThe waitress brings the check.\n\nJERRY\nLet me get that.\n\nGEORGE\nNo no no, I got it.\n\nJERRY\nPlease.\n\nGEORGE\nNo come on, let me, let me. I smashed\nyour car, it cost you over two\n\nthousand dollars,\n\nJERRY\nYeah, a cup of coffee should cover it.\n\nKramer enters and sits down.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you doing here?\n\nKRAMER\nI got fired from the movie.\n\nGEORGE\nGet out of here, why?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you know they were gonna shoot\nit today, and uh, we rehearsed it\n\ntwice, then Woody yells 'Action!' and I turn to him and I say,\n'These pretzels\n\nare making me thirsty' and I took a swig of beer, ya know, and\nI slammed the\n\nglass down on the bar and it shattered.\n\nELAINE\nAww.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, one of the pieces must have hit\nWoody. He started crying. And\n\nhe yells out, 'I'm bleeding' and he runs off. Anyway, this woman,\nshe came up\n\nto me and she says, 'You're fired.' Boy I really nailed that\nscene.\n\nKramer drops a pair of gloves on the table. Jerry picks up the\ngloves.\n\nJERRY\nAw, wait a--. Oh. Oh, for crying out\nloud.\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nI think the best part of a relationship is when you're sick.\nAnd the best part\n\nof being sick is when you're in a relationship. And if I was\nto get married,\n\nyou know all those vows; for richer or for poorer, for better\nor for worse, all\n\nI need is the sickness. That, to me, is the most important one.\nDo you take\n\nthis man in sickness? That's the only time I need somebody there.\nRest of the\n\ntime, go out, have a ball, do whatever you want, but if I get\nthe sniffles, you\n\nbetter be there.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Red-Dot.html",
    "text": "THE RED DOT\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nI'm sorry it's gotta be a little bit\nof a scary place to work. I don't know\nhow you feel about it. You want to be\nstanding there having people comming\nin all day going \"I need knives. I need\nmore knives. Do you have any bigger\nknives? I'd like a bigger knife, a big,\nlong, sharp knife, that's what I'm in\nthe market for. I like them really sharp.\nDo you have one with hooks and gouges\nlike blades and kind of serrated? That's\nthe kind of knife I'm looking for. I\nneed one I can throw. I need another\none I can just hack away with. Do you\nhave anything like that?\n\n(Commercial)\n\nAt a party\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah, like you know what you're talking\nabout.\n\nGEORGE\nLike you do.\n\nJERRY\nWell what do you think? They put the\nstatue on a giant raft and a tugboat\npulled it all the way from France?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat do you think? The brought it over\nin pieces and screwed it together like\na coffee table?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know. It's too early for a Christmas\nparty isn't it?\n\nGEORGE\nWhy did France give that to us anyway?\n\nJERRY\nIt was a gift.\n\nGEORGE\nSo countries just exchange gifts like\nthat?\n\nJERRY\nIf they like each other.\n\nGEORGE\nThere's Elaine.\n\nJERRY\nSee that guy he's talking with? That's\nher new boyfriend.\n\nGEORGE\nReally? They work here in the office?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. They're having a little fling\nso don't say anything.\n\nGEORGE\nWho am I going to tell? My mother? Like\nI've got nothing better to talk about.\n\nJERRY\nYou don't. He's a recovering alcoholic.\n\nGEORGE\nReally?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. He's been off the wagon for two\nyears.\n\nGEORGE\n\"Off the wagon\"?\n\nJERRY\nI think it's off the wagon.\n\nGEORGE\nI think it's \"on the wagon\".\n\nELAINE\nJerry, George, what are you doing here?\n\nJERRY\nWhat am I doing here? Ba-boom (holding\nout a present)\n\nELAINE\n*gasp* My god! My watch! You found my\nwatch! (pushing Jerry)\n\nJERRY\nHey keep your hands to yourself if you\nknow what's good for you.\n\nELAINE\nWhere did you find it?\n\nJERRY\nUnder the sofa cushion.\n\nELAINE\nAnd you stopped by just to give it to\nme?\n\nJERRY\nIt's your Christmas present.\n\nELAINE\nI though I'd never find it.\n\nGEORGE\nWell today's your lucky day.\n\nELAINE\nNo. Today's *your* lucky day.\n\nGEORGE\nIt will be my first one.\n\nELAINE\nYou want to work here?\n\nGEORGE\nHuh?\n\nELAINE\nYeah one of the readers left and there's\na job opening. Dick, this is Jerry and\nthis is George.\n\nDICK\nHi nice to meet you. Is this the guy?\n\nJERRY\n\"The guy?\"\n\nELAINE\n(softly to Dick) Dick.\n\nGEORGE\nHow can you just get it?\n\nELAINE\nMy boss told me to find someone. I'm\nin charge of it. All you have to do\nis meet him. Come on. Come on, come\non, here hold my drink.\n\nJERRY\nCranberry juice?\n\nELAINE\nAnd vodka.\n\nDICK\nI got the cranberry juice.\n\nDICK\nSo... you're Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nSo... I'm Jerry. (he puts down the drink)\n\nBOSS\nSo have you ever done this kind of work\nbefore?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, you know, book reports. That kind\nof stuff.\n\nBOSS\nHow do you read?\n\nGEORGE\nI like Mike Lubika.\n\nBOSS\nMike Lubika?\n\nGEORGE\nHe's a sports writer for the daily news.\nI find him very insightful...\n\nBOSS\nNo, no, no. I mean authors.\n\nGEORGE\nLot of good ones. I don't even want\nto mention anyone because I'm afraid\nI'm going to leave somebody out.\n\nBOSS\nName a couple.\n\nGEORGE\nWho do I like? I, like, uh, Art, Vandelay.\n\nBOSS\nArt Vandelay?\n\nGEORGE\nHe's an obscure writer. Betnik, on the\nvillage.\n\nBOSS\nWhat has he written?\n\nGEORGE\nVenetian Blinds.\n\nDICK\n(picking up the drink) I've got new\nfor you. I'm funnier than you are.\n\nJERRY\nWhy don't get we together New Years\nday and watch some football.\n\nELAINE\nWhere's my drink?\n\nJERRY\nThere. (turns to George) So, how did\nit go?\n\nGEORGE\nI think he was impressed.\n\nELAINE\nNo, no, no, this is just cranberry juice.\n\nJERRY\nOh, uh, I think maybe Dick picked up\nyours.\n\nELAINE\nDick? He can't drink. He's an alcoholic.\nI told you to hold it.\n\nJERRY\nI didn't know you meant *hold* it, I\nthought you meant hold it.\n\nELAINE\nOne drink like that and he could fall\nright off the wagon.\n\nGEORGE\nTold you.\n\nAt a clothing store.\n\nJERRY\nI never feel comfortable in the women's\ndepartment. I feel like I'm just a *little*\ntoo close to trying on a dress.\n\nGEORGE\nDo I really have to buy her something?\n\nJERRY\nHey the woman got you a job. The least\nyou could do is buy her a gift. How\nabout this?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat is that? Is that cashmere?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. She would love cashmere.\n\nGEORGE\nWho doesn't like cashmere? Find me one\nperson in the world that doesn't like\ncashmere. It's too expensive.\n\nJERRY\nLook at this. It's 85 dollars marked\ndown from 600.\n\nGEORGE\nWow. Excuse me, Miss?\n\nWOMAN\nYes?\n\nGEORGE\nHow come this sweater is only 85 dollars?\n\nWOMAN\n(showing the dot) Oh, here. This is\nwhy.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat? I don't see anything.\n\nWOMAN\nSee this red dot?\n\nGEORGE\nOh yeah.\n\nJERRY\nOh it's damaged. (grabbing the sweater)\n\nGEORGE\n(grabbing the sweater back) Well it's\nnot really damaged. 85 dollars huh?\n\nWOMAN\nThere's no exchanges on this.\n\nGEORGE\nYou think she would care about the red\ndot?\n\nJERRY\nIt's hard to say.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't even think she'd notice it.\nCan you see it?\n\nJERRY\nWell I can see it.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, but you know where it is.\n\nJERRY\nWell what do you want me to do? Not\nlook at it?\n\nGEORGE\nPretend you didn't know it was there.\nCan you see it?\n\nJERRY\nIt's hard to pretend because I know\nwhere it is.\n\nGEORGE\nWell just take an overview. Can't you\njust take an overview?\n\nJERRY\nYou want me to take an overview?\n\nGEORGE\nPlease.\n\nJERRY\nI see a very cheap man holding a sweater\ntrying to get away with something. That's\nmy overview.\n\nAt Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nYeah so?\n\nELAINE\nHe's acting very strangely. I think\nhe started drinking again.\n\nJERRY\nOh boy, can you smell it?\n\nELAINE\nNo. I can't smell it.\n\nJERRY\nWell if you can't smell it then he hasn't\nbeen drinking.\n\nELAINE\nYou don't always smell someone from\na drink.\n\nJERRY\nYes you do.\n\nELAINE\nWhat about one drink? Would you smell\nit from one drink?\n\nJERRY\nYes you would.\n\nKramer enters\n\nJERRY\nI'll prove it. Would you do me a favor?\n\nKRAMER\nOkay.\n\nJERRY\nWould you take a drink and let us smell\nyou?\n\nKRAMER\nYou can smell me without the drink.\n\nELAINE\nI suspect that this guy I'm seeing might\nbe drinking but I can't smell it.\n\nKRAMER\nOkay, well what am I drinking? What\ndo you got?\n\nJERRY\nI got a bottle of scotch my uncle gave\nme. It's Hennigans. It's been here for\ntwo years. I've been using it as a paint\nthinner.\n\nKramer drinks.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right.\n\nElaine and Jerry lean up really close to him.\n\nJERRY\nI don't smell anything.\n\nELAINE\nMaybe we're too close to the bottle.\n\nJerry's buzzer buzzes.\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\n(over the speaker) It's George.\n\nJERRY\nCome on up.\n\nKRAMER\nThat is *damn* good scotch. I could\ndo a commercial for this stuff. Mmmmm,\nboy that Hennigans goes down smooth.\nAnd afterwords you don't even smell.\nThat's right folks. I just had three\nshots of Hennigans and I don't smell.\nImagine, you can walk around drunk all\nday. That's Hennigans, the no-smell,\nno-tell scotch.\n\nGEORGE\nHello everybody.\n\nKRAMER\nHey. (snuggling really close to George)\nI'm going to tell you what I think.\nI know you don't care what I think,\nbut I'm going to tell you. I think that\nyou are terrific.\n\nGEORGE\n(uncomfortablly) Thank you.\n\nELAINE\nHey what's that?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's an early Christmas present.\n\nELAINE\nChristmas present? For who?\n\nGEORGE\nFor you.\n\nELAINE\n*gasp* (pushing George) Get out of here.\n\nKRAMER\nSay you got a big job interview, and\nyou're a little nervous. Well throw\nback a couple shots of Hennigans and\nyou'll be as loose as a goose and ready\nto roll in no time. And because it's\nodorless, why, it will be our little\nsecret. (singing) h-e-double n...\n\nJERRY\nKramer. Yeah that'll do.\n\nELAINE\n(opening the present) Oh George, this\nis beautiful. Is this cashmere?\n\nGEORGE\nOf course it's cashmere.\n\nELAINE\nOh, I love cashmere.\n\nGEORGE\nWell who doesn't.\n\nELAINE\nMy, George this must have cost a fortune.\n\nGEORGE\nAhh, money.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, how could you let him spend so\nmuch money?\n\nJERRY\nI tried to stop him. I couldn't. He\njust wants to make people happy.\n\nELAINE\nGeorge, this is one of the nicest things\nanyone has ever given me.\n\nGEORGE\nWell good, good. Take it off you're\ngoing to wear it out already. It's for\nspecial occasions this thing.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat's that red dot on your sweater?\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nJust take it off. I'm getting hot just\nlooking at it.\n\nELAINE\nUhh. This. It's like a red dot.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat red dot? What are you talking about?\nJerry come here for a second. Do you\nsee anything here?\n\nJERRY\n(uncomfortable) Uh, I don't know. Uh,\nI don't know.\n\nELAINE\nWhat don't you know?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know.\n\nELAINE\nWell do you see it or don't you?\n\nJERRY\nAhem. Say that again?\n\nELAINE\nDo you see it or don't you?\n\nJERRY\nDo I see it... or don't I? That's the\nquestion.\n\nJerry goes to the counter and pours some scotch. He drinks it.\nHe comes back groggy.\n\nJERRY\nNow what did you ask me again.\n\nKramer is snoring.\n\n(Commercial)\n\n(Whew, Jerry is saved by the bell.)\n\nAt the office. Elaine is walking by.\n\nELAINE\nYou're still here. You're a dynamo.\n\nGEORGE\nI can't believe I get paid for this.\n\nELAINE\nI'll see you tomorrow.\n\nElaine walks out. George gets back to work. The cleaning lady\ncomes by.\n\nGEORGE\nHow you doing?\n\nCLEANING LADY\nHello.\n\nThe lady starts cleaning. George has a thought. He watches the\nlady as she is cleaning.\n\nAt Monk's.\n\nJERRY\nYou had sex with the cleaning woman\non your desk? Who are you, how did you\ndo that?\n\nGEORGE\nHennigans. I was there sitting in the\noffice and the cleaning woman comes\nin. I've always been attracted to cleaning\nwomen. Cleaning women, chambermaids.\n\nJERRY\nYeah chambermaids, I'm attracted to\nthem too.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy is that?\n\nJERRY\nIt's a woman in your room. So go ahead.\n\nGEORGE\nSo she starts vaccuming, back and forth,\nback and forth, her hips swivelling,\nher breasts, uh... (trying to think\nof a word)\n\nJERRY\nConvulsing?\n\nGEORGE\nConvulsing?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, I'm trying to help you.\n\nGEORGE\nThen I asked her if she wanted a drink.\n\nJERRY\nYou don't drink.\n\nGEORGE\nI know but I couldn't think of anything\nelse to say to her.\n\nJERRY\nSo you started drinking.\n\nGEORGE\nSo we started drinking, and I'll tell\nyou I don't know if it was the alcohol\nor the ammonia, but the next think I\nknew she was mopping the floor with\nme.\n\nJERRY\nSo how was it?\n\nGEORGE\nWell the sex was okay, but I threw up\nfrom the Hennigans.\n\nJERRY\nGood thing the cleaning lady was there.\n\nAt Jerry's apartment.\n\nELAINE\nDick was fired.\n\nJERRY\nYou mean to tell me if I had put that\ndrink six inches over to the right,\nand none of this would have happened.\n\nELAINE\nYou knew he was an alcoholic. Why'd\nyou put the drink down at all?\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you saying?\n\nELAINE\nI'm not saying anything.\n\nJERRY\nYou're saying something.\n\nELAINE\nWhat could I be saying?\n\nJERRY\nWell you're not saying nothing you must\nbe saying something.\n\nELAINE\nIf I was saying something I would have\nsaid it.\n\nJERRY\nWell why don't you say it?\n\nELAINE\nI said it.\n\nJERRY\nWhat did you say?\n\nELAINE\nNothing. It's exhausting being with\nyou.\n\nJerry's buzzer buzzes.\n\nJERRY\nYeah?\n\nGEORGE\n(over the speaker) It's George.\n\nJERRY\nCome on up.\n\nELAINE\nHey, let me ask you something something.\nDid George buy that sweater knowing\nthe red dot was on it because it was\ncheaper? (Jerry is unconfortable) Ooookay,\nyou just gave me the answer.\n\nJERRY\nNo I didn't.\n\nELAINE\nYes you did, yes you did. I saw your\nexpression.\n\nJERRY\nI didn't have an expression. I have\na deviated septum. I have to open my\nmouth sometimes to breathe.\n\nELAINE\nHow much did he save?\n\nJERRY\nFrankly I am shocked that you would\nask such a question (Elaine sticking\nout her tongue like she isn't buying\na word of it) of me, that you would\nthink - the only surprise is how you\ncould even think of that. That's what\nyou were seeing.\n\nElaine gets up and goes into the bathroom.\n\nGEORGE\nI have to talk to Elaine. This cleaing\nlady is turning the screws on me. She's\npushing for this whole relationship\nthing. She keeps calling me, threatening\nto go to the boss with this thing, I\ncould lose my job, I gotta do something\nto keep her quiet.\n\nJERRY\nElaine is in the bathroom. She's wise\nto whole red dot thing. She's asking\nme all kinds of questions.\n\nGEORGE\nDid you tell her anything?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nDo you swear?\n\nJERRY\nI'm not swearing. I don't want to swear.\n\nGEORGE\nOh you told her didn't you.\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nELAINE\nHey George, did you buy that sweater\nknowing that red dot was on it because\nyou could get it at a discount?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat? Did I what?\n\nELAINE\nYou did didn't you.\n\nGEORGE\nElaine, I'm, I'm shocked. I'm shocked.\nHere I go out in the spirit of the season\n(Elaine looking like she's not buying\na word of it) and spend all my savings\nto buy you the most beautiful Christmas\nsweater I have ever seen to show my\nappreciation to you at Christmas and\nthis is the thanks that I get at Christmas.\n\nELAINE\nWell Jerry told me that you did.\n\nGEORGE\nYou told her? How could you tell her?\nI told you not to say anything.\n\nJERRY\nI didn't tell her you stupid idiot.\nShe tricked you.\n\nGEORGE\nElaine you don't understand. I had 103\ntemperature when I bought that sweater.\nI was so dizzy I was seeing red dots\neverywhere. I thought everything in\nthe store had a red dot on it. I couldn't\ndistinguish one red dot from another.\nI couldn't afford anything. I have nothing.\nI haven't worked for a really long time.\n(Jerry is standing right behind George.\nJerry takes out a hankerchief and starts\nfake-crying in it.) I mean look, I have\nno clothes, look at what I'm wearing.\nIt's just a little red dot.\n\nAt the office.\n\nGEORGE\nThis is for you.\n\nLADY\nOh, Georgie, you bought this for me?\nOh I knew you cared for me.\n\nGEORGE\nAs you care for me. Which is why it\nis very important that you never breathe\na word of this to anyone about the...\nyou know. What, with Clarence Thomas\nand everything.\n\nLADY\nOkay, okay, can I open it now?\n\nGEORGE\nYes of course go ahead. My guess is\nyou're going to like this very much.\n\nLADY\nOh! Is that cashmere?\n\nGEORGE\nOf course it's cashemere.\n\nLADY\nA cashmere sweater. Oh Georgie Porgie!\n\nGEORGE\nJust a little something for Christmas.\n\nLADY\nWhen I was a little girl in Panama,\na rich American came to our town and\nhe was wearing the softest most beautiful\nsweater. I said to him, \"what do you\ncall this most beautiful fabric?\", and\nhe said \"they call it cashmere\". I repeated\nthe words \"cashmere, cashmere\". I asked\nif I could have it, and he said \"No.\nGet away from me.\" Then he started walk\naway. But I grabbed onto his leg screaming\nfor him to give me the sweater and he\ndragged me through the street. And then\nhe kicked at me with the other foot\nand threw some change at me. Oh, but\nI didn't want the change Georgie. I\nwanted the cashmere.\n\nGEORGE\nI had a feeling you would like it. No,\ndon't try it on now, try it on later.\n\nLADY\nWow, look at this. It feels so beautiful.\n\nGEORGE\nTake it off. You're going to ruin it.\n\nLADY\n(noticing the dot) What's this?\n\nAt the comedy club.\n\nJERRY\nI was in the men's room the other day\nand they had the hand blower, instead\nof the paper towels, you know this thing.\nI like the hand blower I have to say.\nIt takes a little bit longer, but I\nfeel when you're in a room with a revolting\nstench you want to spend as much time\nas you can.\n\nDICK\nThe only stench is comming from you.\n\nAUDIENCE\nOooooh.\n\nJERRY\nOh, wait a second, I believe we have\na heckler ladies and gentlemen. Hey\nDick I don't know what your problem\nis. It's not my fault you're back on\nthe wagon.\n\nDICK\nIt's off the wagon.\n\nJERRY\nIn the old days how do you think they\ngot the alcohol from town to town?\n\nDICK\nI don't know.\n\nJERRY\nOn the wagon. Don't you think they broke\ninto a couple of those bottles along\nthe way?\n\nDICK\nYou can't drink on a wagon it would\nbe too bumpy.\n\nJERRY\nThey had smooth trails. What about the\nCumberland Gap?\n\nDICK\nWhat the hell do you know about wagons?\n\nJERRY\nI know enough not to get on them.\n\nIn the boss' office.\n\nBOSS\nI'm going to get right to the point.\nIt has come to my attention that you\nand the cleaning woman have engaged\nin sexual intercourse on the desk in\nyour office. Is that correct?\n\nGEORGE\nWho said that?\n\nBOSS\nShe did.\n\nGEORGE\nWas that wrong? Should I have not done\nthat? I tell you I gotta plead ingnorance\non this thing because if anyone had\nsaid anything to me at all when I first\nstarted here that that sort of thing\nwas frouned upon, you know, cause I've\nworked in a lot of offices and I tell\nyou peope do that all the time.\n\nBOSS\nYou're fired.\n\nGEORGE\nWell you didn't have to say it like\nthat.\n\nBOSS\nI want you out of here by the end of\nthe day.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about the whole Christmas spirit\nthing? Any flexability there?\n\nBOSS\nNah. Wait, wait, she wanted me to give\nyou this.\n\nHe tosses the sweater and it lands right on top of George's face.\nGeorge walks out of the office \"wearing\" it.\n\nIn the hall of the office.\n\nELAINE\nYou had sex on your desk with the cleaning\nwoman.\n\nGEORGE\nYou never had sex in the office before?\n\nELAINE\nNo. I once made out with someone but\nthat was it.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright so you made out with someone.\n\nELAINE\nWell that's not sex.\n\nGEORGE\nKissing is sex.\n\nELAINE\nKissing is not sex.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge?\n\nGEORGE\nJerry.\n\nELAINE\nHey, did Jerry leave that drink next\nto Dick's on purpose?\n\nGEORGE\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge?\n\nGEORGE\nOver here.\n\nELAINE\nWhat are you doing here?\n\nJERRY\nI'm taking the kid out to dinner to\nchear him up.\n\nELAINE\nHey Jerry when do you consider that\nsex has taken place?\n\nJERRY\nI would say when the nipple makes its\nfirst appearance.\n\n(Commercial)\n\nELAINE\nSo, George told me that you left the\ndrink next to Dick's on purpose.\n\nJERRY\nNice try. So guess who heckled me at\nthe club last night.\n\n*crash*\n\nDICK\nMerry Christmas.\n\nELAINE\nOh my god that's Dick. It's Cape Fear.\n\nGEORGE\nHide, hide under the desk.\n\nELAINE\nOw, ow move over.\n\nJERRY\nGet off of me.\n\nELAINE\nI've got no room.\n\nDick walks over dragging behind him a Christmas tree. He looks\ndown and notices them under the table. George holds out the sweater,\nhis hand shaking.\n\nDICK\nIs that cashmere?\n\nGEORGE\nOf course it's cashmere.\n\nDICK\n(noticing the dot) What's this?\n\nAt the comedy club.\n\nJERRY\nBut in a way, I think I inadvertantly\nturned this guy into an alcoholic. I\nhate being around alcoholics because\nthey're either telling you how much\nthey love you or how much they hate\nyou. And those are the two statements\nthat scare me the most. But I think\nhe's okay now because I have no idea\nhow he feels about me. He's finally\noff the wagon.\n\nDICK\nYou mean on the wagon.\n\nJERRY\nDon't get smart.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Subway.html",
    "text": "THE SUBWAY\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry Charles\n\n(Monk's Cafe, the whole gang at a booth)\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, Coney Island. Ok, you can\ntake the B or the F and switch\n\nfor the N at Broadway Lafayette, or you can go over the bridge\nto DeKalb\n\nand catch the Q to Atlantic Avenue, then switch to the IRT 2,\n3, 4 or 5,\n\nbut don't get on the G. See that's very tempting, but you wind\nup on Smith\n\nand 9th street, then you got to get on the R.\n\nELAINE\nCouldn't he just take the D straight\nto Coney Island?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, yeah...\n\nELAINE\nOk, what time is your job interview\nGeorge?\n\nGEORGE\n9:45\n\nJERRY\nRemember, don't whistle on the elevator.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy not?\n\nJERRY\nThat's what Willie Loman told Biff before\nhis interview, in 'Death of\n\na salesman'.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, you are comparing me to Biff Loman,\nvery encouraging. The\n\nbiggest loser in history of American literature.\n\nELAINE\nAll right, I'm gonna go.\n\nJERRY\nWhat time is the lesbian wedding?\n\nELAINE\n9:30\n\nGEORGE\nLesbian wedding. How do they work bride\nand groom out, what do they\n\nflip a coin?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, they flip a coin.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, was that not politically correct?\nIt's a legitimate question.\n\nJERRY\nI'm so tired. I'll fall asleep on that\ntrain (yawns)\n\nGEORGE\nI get the feeling when lesbians are\nlooking at me, they're\n\nTHINKING\n\"That's why I'm not heterosexual\".\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, come on let's go, pick up the\ncheck so we can go.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I'm paying for breakfast?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nWhy do I always pay? What am I made\nof money? You bunch of\n\ndeadbeats.\n\nOn the Subway.\n\nGEORGE\nHow many tickets are you paying today?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, let's see: speeding, running a\nred light, no license, no\n\nregistration, no plates, no brake lights, no rear view mirror...yeah.\n(gives\n\nGeorge a ticket)\n\nGEORGE\nNo doors?\n\nKRAMER\nI'm fighting that one. You know, this\nis gonna cost me over six\n\nhundred bucks.\n\nBlind violinist comes playing, with mug for the money. Everybody\nelse gets\n\nsome change, except George.\n\nGEORGE\nI can't carry any changes in these pants,\nit falls out.\n\nVIOLIN PLAYER\nThank you.\n\nGEORGE\nThat guy is not blind.\n\nJERRY\nSo, can I convince anybody to come down\nto Coney Island with me? I\n\ngot to pick up my car at the pound. George?\n\nGEORGE\nI can't believe they actually found\nyour stolen car.\n\nJERRY\nNot only that they found it. It was\nsimonized and the front end was\n\naligned.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's amazing.\n\nJERRY\nSo what do you say? Run in the cyclone.\nHotdogs on Nathan's is on\n\nme.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you? Satan? I'm close to a\njob here. It's my second\n\ninterview with them.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, biff. Elaine, merry-go-round?\n\nELAINE\nI can't. I'm the best man.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, bumper-cars?\n\nKRAMER\nI've gotta go to court, I'll get in\ntrouble. What's the matter with\n\nyou?\n\nJERRY\nCould be years before I get back to\nConey Island. I can't go to\n\nrides alone.\n\nSUBWAY ANNOUNCEMENT\n42th street. Change to D,N,RR,2,3,4,5,7,C,E,F\ntrain.\n\nThey all get off and go to different directions.\n\nELAINE\nSee'ya.\n\nAnother subway. Jerry comes in and sits down. Fat man across\nhim gives a\n\nlook.\n\nGeorge gets on another subway. Sits next to a beautiful woman.\nThey smile to\n\nanother.\n\nKramer rushes to yet another subway and tries to find a seat.\nStumbles\n\naround as all seats get filled right before him.\n\nHe squeezes himself to same seat with obese young man.\n\nJerry is falling asleep and leans towards the next guy who leaves\nand Jerry\n\nfalls in his seat.\n\nWoman next to George rubs her leg and George looks at her.\n\nWOMAN\nYou looking for a job?\n\nGEORGE\nMe, why?\n\nWOMAN\nWell, you're reading the classifieds.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, no no no. I was just looking for\nstock-pages. Here it is.\n\nLooking for the quotes. Gotta check to quotes. Love a good quote.\nOh, IBM\n\nup a quarter.\n\nWOMEN\nYou didn't look like someone who needed\na job.\n\nGEORGE\nMe? No, no, I don't, I don't. Doing\nvery well, very well, yep.\n\nWOMEN\nSo, you're in 'the market'?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah I'm, eh, in 'the market'.\n\nWOMEN\nWhich market?\n\nGEORGE\nWhich market, the, eh, big one, the\nbig market, the big board.\n\nBull market, bear market, you name the market, I'm there.\n\nWOMEN\nSo, do you work for one of those big\nbroker-houses?\n\nGEORGE\nThey wish. I hate the big broker-houses.\nHate them with a passion.\n\nBig broker-houses killed my father.\n\nWOMAN\nReally?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, they hurt him bad. Really hurt\nhis feelings. It's a long\n\nstory. I- I don't like to talk about it, but I swore then that\nI would\n\nnever work for big broker-houses. See, all they care about is\nmoney. I'm\n\nabout more than money, I'm about people, always gone my own way\nand I've\n\nnever looked back.\n\nTrain horn blows and George looks back\n\nElaine's train. She's carrying a wedding present. A older woman\napproaches\n\nher\n\nWOMAN\nI started riding these trains in the\nforties. Those days a man would\n\ngive up their seat for a woman. Now we're liberated and we have\nto stand.\n\nELAINE\nIt's ironic.\n\nWOMEN\nWhat's ironic?\n\nELAINE\nThis, that we've come all this way,\nwe have made all this progress,\n\nbut you know we've lost the little things, the niceties.\n\nWOMAN\nNo, I mean what does 'ironic' mean?\n\nELAINE\nOh...\n\nWOMAN\nWhere are you up to, with such a nice\npresent, birthday party?\n\nELAINE\nA wedding.\n\nWOMEN\nA wedding?\n\nELAINE\nYeah\n\nWOMAN\nHah, I didn't know people still get\nmarried. It's hard today with\n\nmen and women.\n\nELAINE\nYou're telling me.\n\nWOMAN\nSo, are they a nice couple?\n\nELAINE\nOh, very nice.\n\nWOMAN\nWhat does he do, if you don't mind me\nasking?\n\nELAINE\nShe.\n\nWOMEN\nShe? She works, he doesn't. He sounds\nlike my son.\n\nELAINE\nThere is no he.\n\nWOMEN\nThere is no he. So, who's getting married?\n\nELAINE\nEm, two women. It's, eh...lesbian wedding.\n\nWOMEN\nLesbian wedding.\n\nELAINE\nAha, yep. I'm the...eh...bes tman.\n\nWOMEN\nMy luck. I don't talk to a soul in the\n\nsubway for 35 years. I get a best man at a lesbian wedding. (leaves)\n\nELAINE\nNo, no, no, you don't understand! I'm\nnot a lesbian! I hate men,\n\nbut I'm not a lesbian!\n\nKramer's train. A man leaves and lefts a newspaper to his seat.\n\nKramer and another guy glance each other and rush to get the\npaper. The\n\nother man gets to it first and Kramer gets only little piece\nof one page.\n\nJerry's train. He is still sleeping and trying not to fall to\nthe floor.\n\nMan across gives him a look.\n\nElaine's train. Train is full packed.\n\nELAINE'S VOICE\nI'm really looking forward to this.\nI love weddings. Maybe\n\nI'll meet somebody, umm maybe not.\n\nTrain suddenly stops\n\nELAINE'S VOICE\nOh, man. We're stopping?\n\nGeorge's train.\n\nWOMAN\nWell, this is where I get off.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, you do?\n\nWOMAN\nEh, hey why don't you...oh nothing.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no, what, what?\n\nWOMAN\nWell, I was going to say: why don't\nyou get off with me, but you're\n\nobviously very busy on your way to some important meeting or\nsomething.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, well....\n\nWOMAN\nYeah I knew it was a bad idea.\n\nGeorge is in agony thinking if he should go or stay. Then runs\nafter her\n\nGEORGE\nHey, what's another million, give or\ntake. I get off where and when\n\nI wanna get off.\n\nHe gets stuck between closing doors.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm stuck. Pull a little, just a second.\nDon't start the train!\n\nDon't start the train!!\n\nKramer is reading a newspaper. Couple of men behind him are talking.\n\nMAN1\nThis, it's the fourth horse of the first\nrace, Pappanick.\n\nMAN2\nHow do you know it's going to win?\n\nMAN1\nMy UPS-guy tells. Guys who own the horses\nare regular customers.\n\nEvery horse he has ever given me has won.\n\nSee, they've been sandbagging and looking for a good spot. He's\nbeen\n\ngetting it light cause they've been using bug boy and the workout\nhasn't\n\nbeen published. Now they are ready to run with it. They are gonna\nbreak his\n\na lock.\n\nMAN2\nBut it rained last night.\n\nMAN1\nExactly, this horse loves the slop.\nIt's in his bloodlines. His\n\nfather was a mudda', his mother was a mudda'.\n\nMAN2\nHis mudda' was a mudda'?\n\nMAN1\nWhat did I just say? Come on, let's\ngo to the office, I'm going to\n\ncall my bookie. Hey, don't tell anybody.\n\nKramer quickly turns away\n\nJerry wakes up and looks to guy opposite to him. The fat guy\nis naked and\n\nreading a paper.\n\nJERRY\nO-K. You realize of course, you're naked?\n\nNAKED MAN\nNaked, dressed. I don't see any difference.\n\nJERRY\nYou oughta' sit here. There is a difference.\n\nNAKED MAN\nYou got something against naked body?\n\nJERRY\nI got something against yours. How about\na couple of deep knee bends,\n\nmaybe a squat thrust?\n\nNAKED MAN\nWho's got time for squat thrusts?\n\nJERRY\nAll right, how about skipping breakfast.\nI'm guessing you're not a\n\n'half-grapefruit and black coffee' guy.\n\nNAKED MAN\nI like a good breakfast.\n\nJERRY\nI understand, I like good breakfast.\nLong as you don't wind up\n\ntrapped in a room with bimbo broals(?) and pigtails, been counseled\nby Dick\n\nGregory.\n\nNAKED MAN\nI'm not ashamed of my body.\n\nJERRY\nThat's your problem, you should be.\n\nNaked man drops half of his newspaper\n\nJERRY\nDon't get up, please, allow me.\n\nJerry picks up the paper\n\nElaine is still trapped in a stopped train.\n\nELAINE'S VOICE\nOh, this is great. This is what I need,\njust what I need.\n\nOk, take it easy I'm sure it's nothing. Probably rats on the\ntrack, we're\n\nstopping for rats. God, it's so crowded. How can there be so\nmany people?\n\nThis guy really smells, doesn't anyone use deodorant in the city?\nWhat is\n\nso hard, you take the cap off, you roll it on. What's that? I\nfeel\n\nsomething rubbing against me. Disgusting animals, these people\nshould be in\n\na gage. We are in a gage. What if I miss the wedding? I got the\nring.\n\nWhat'll they do? You can't get married without the ring. Oh,\nI can't\n\nbreath, I feel faint. Take it easy, it'll start moving soon.\nThink about\n\nthe people on the concentration camps, what they went through.\nAnd\n\nhostages, what would you do if you were a hostage? Think about\nthat. This\n\nis nothing. No, it's not nothing, it's something. It's a nightmare!\nHelp\n\nme! Move it! Com'on move this fu(beep) thing!! Why isn't it moving?!?\nWhat\n\ncan go wrong with a train!?! It's on tracks, there's no traffic!\nHow can a\n\ntrain get stuck. Step on the gas!! What could it be? You'de think\nthe\n\nconductor would explain it to us? 'I'm sorry there's a delay\nwe'll be\n\nmoving in 5 minutes'!! I wanna hear a voice. What's that on my\nleg?!!\n\nLights in the train go off\n\nGeorge and the woman step in to a hotel room.\n\nGEORGE\nAre you often on business trip? Nice...oh,\nhey nice ice-bucket.\n\nWOMAN\nMake your-self comfortable.\n\nShe steps in to bathroom.\n\nGEORGE'S VOICE\nMake myself comfortable. What does that\nmean? Does she want\n\nme to take my clothes off? Is she taking her clothes off? What\nif I take my\n\nclothes off and she still has hers' on? Then I really look like\nan idiot.\n\nShe could get offended and leave. So maybe I should leave them\non, but what\n\nthen if she takes her off? Then she'll feel humiliated. 'Make\nyourself\n\ncomfortable'. I got this unbelievable woman and this 'comfortable'-thing\n\ncan ruin me. I got it! I take my shoes off and sit on the bed.\nThere,\n\nthat's comfortable. She can't accuse me being unconvertible.\n\nShe comes out from the bathroom, wearing a nightie.\n\nGEORGE\nGotta tell you I'm pretty comfortable.\n\nKramer is in the \"Off-track betting\" office. He is talking with\na guy\n\nbehind in the line.\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah, it's all set. They got the\nbug boy on him.\n\nGUY\nThe bug boy.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, the little father has run his\nhard out. They're gonna break\n\nhis maiden.\n\nGUY\nReally? But, it's a little bit slow\nout there it rained last night.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, this baby loves the slob, loves\nit, eats it up. Eats the slob.\n\nBorn in the slob. His father was a mudda'.\n\nGUY\nHis father was a mudda'?\n\nKRAMER\nHis mother was a mudda'.\n\nGUY\nHis mother was a mudda'?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat did I just say?\n\nKramer gets to the cashier\n\nKRAMER\nHey,all right, 600 Pappanick to win.\n\nJerry's train\n\nFG\nThey still have no pitching. Goodin's\na question mahk. ...You don't recover\nfrom those rotator cuffs so fast.\n\nJS\nI'm not worried about their best pitching.\nThey got pitching. ...They got no hitting.\n\nFG\nNo hitting? They got hitting! Bonilla,\nMurry. ...They got no defence.\n\nJS\nDefence? Please. ...They need speed.\n\nFG\nSpeed? They got Coleman. ...They need\na bullpen.\n\nJS\nFranco's no good? ...They got no team\nleaders.\n\nFG\nThey got Franco! ...What they need is\na front office.\n\nJS\nBut you gotta like their chances.\n\nFG\nI LUV their chances.\n\nJS\nTell you what. If they win the penant\nI'll sit naked with you at the World\nSeries.\n\nFG\nIt's a deal!\n\nElaine is in a stopped train with no lights.\n\nELAINE'S VOICE\nWhy couldn't I take a cab. For 6 dollars\nmy whole life\n\ncould've changed. What is that on my leg? I'll never get out\nof here. What\n\nif I'm here for the rest of my life? Maybe I'll get out in 5\nseconds. 1\n\nbanana, 2 banana, 3 banana, 4 banana, 5 banana...no, I'm still\nhere! Still\n\nhere! Why don't they start moving? Move! Move!! Move!!! Train\nstarts\n\nmoving, lights get back on It's moving! It's moving! Yes! Yes!!\nTrain\n\nstops again and lights go off Motherf(beep-beep)!!!\n\nGeorge and the beautiful woman are still in the hotel room. The\nwoman is\n\nputting handcuffs on George and the other end to the backboard\nof the bed.\n\nGEORGE\nEh, gee, I hope you have the key for\nthese things.\n\nWOMAN\nOh, don't worry. I do.\n\nShe steps in to the bathroom\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, my mother used to walk around\non our apartment just in\n\nher bra and panties. She didn't look anything like you, she was\nreally\n\ndisgusting, really bad body. If you could imagine uglier and\nfatter version\n\nof Shirley Booth. Remember Shirley Booth from Hazel. Really embarrassing,\n\ncause you know I had only mother in the whole neighborhood who\nwas worse\n\nlooking than Hazel. Imagine the taunts I would hear.\n\nWOMAN\nLike what?\n\nGEORGE\nLike a \"Hey your mother is uglier than\nHazel. Hazel really puts\n\nyour mother to shame\"\n\nShe comes out of the bathroom fully clothed\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's going on?\n\nWOMAN\nIt was a pleasure doing business with\nyou George, but I'm afraid I\n\nhave to get going.\n\nGEORGE\nGet going? But we haven't really, you\nknow....\n\nWOMAN\nEight dollars? Eight dollars?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you doing? You're robbing me?\n\nWOMEN\nI wasted my whole morning with you for\neight dollars?\n\nGEORGE\nWait, wait a second, what are you doing?\n\nWOMAN\nI'm taking your clothes.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, that's my only suit. It cost me\n350 dollars. I got it at Moe Ginsburg\n.\n\nWOMAN\nBye George.\n\nGEORGE\nNo wait, you can't just leave me here!\nWill I see you again?\n\nKramer is in the \"Off-track betting\" office. The race is on and\nPappanick\n\nis slowly making ground\n\nyes...\n\nThe winner is Pappanick\n\nKRAMER\nYes! Yes! I won, hey (shouts to cashier)\n\nKramer collects the winnings. A big pile of cash. Shows the money\naround.\n\nThere is a big thug looking at the money.\n\nKramer goes into the subway and sees that the thug followed him.\nHe makes\n\na run for it. Thug follows. Kramer steps out of the train and\nso does the\n\nthug. Kramer tries to jump back on the train, but door closes.\n\nThe naked man has put his clothes back on and he and Jerry are\ngetting of\n\nthe train.\n\nI haven't had a hotdog at Nathan's for\n20 years.\n\nJERRY\nFirst we ride the cyclone.\n\nChilly out.\n\nJerry takes a deep breath\n\nJERRY\nAah, French fries.\n\nKramer is running away from the thug and enters the train where\nthe blind\n\nviolinist is playing. Kramer knocks down the violin player and\nthe thug\n\npicks Kramer up and looks for the money.\n\nTHUG\nGive me the money. Give me the money!\n\nPolice!\"\n\nBack to the Monk's caf\u00e9. Jerry, Kramer and Elaine are sitting\nin a booth.\n\nJERRY\nNo, I never got the car. We were having\nsuch a good time, by the\n\ntime I got to the police garage, it was closed.\n\nELAINE\nToo bad.\n\nJERRY\nYou wouldn't believe what this guy put\naway at Nathan's. Look at\n\nwhat we won!\n\nWaves around a stuffed monkey\n\nJERRY\nYou want him?\n\nELAINE\nGet that out of my face.\n\nJERRY\nSo, you missed the wedding. You'll catch\nthe bris!\n\nGeorge enters wearing a sheet.\n\nGEORGE\nHow would you like a 'Hare Krishna'\nfist on your throat, you little\n\npunk?\n\nELAINE\nGeorge?\n\nJERRY\nBiff, what did you whistle on the elevator?\n\nGEORGE\nYou have my spare-key in your apartment,\nright?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, it's in the kitchen drawer.\n\nGEORGE\nGive me your key, I gotta get it.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat happened?\n\nGEORGE\nNever mind what happened, just give\nme the key.\n\nJERRY\nCome on, I'll go with you.\n\nELAINE\nHere, pay. (Gives the check to Jerry)\n\nKRAMER\nWait, wait, wait...\n\nKramer gets the check, looks at it and gets pile of cash and\npays. Jerry and Elaine look amazed.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Pez-Dispenser.html",
    "text": "THE PEZ DISPENSER\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nGEORGE\n...pianist. A classical pianist. She\nplays the piano. She's a\n\nbrilliant woman. I-I-I sat in her living room... She played the\n\nWaldstein Sonata! The Waldstein!\n\nGEORGE\nWe did a crossword puzzle together,\nin bed. It was the most fun\n\nI ever had in my entire life. Did you hear me? in my life!\n\nY'know?\n\nJerry enters\n\nJERRY\nWere you talking? I couldn't hear anything.\n\nGEORGE\nI was telling you about Noel.\n\nJERRY\nOh, Noel! Yeah, the one who plays bongos...\n\nGEORGE\n(sarcastically) Heh heh heh... So side-splittingly\nfunny...\n\nJERRY\nAll right, I'm sorry. What about her?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, you think I'm going to repeat\nthe whole thing now?\n\nJERRY\nI know, you told me you like her, everything\nis going good.\n\nGEORGE\nNo everything is not going good. I'm\nvery uncomfortable. I have\n\nno power. I mean, why should she have the upper hand. Once in\n\nmy life I would like the upper hand. I have no hand-- no hand\nat\n\nall. She has the hand; I have no hand...\n\nGEORGE\nHow do I get the hand?\n\nJERRY\nWe all want the hand. Hand is tough\nto get. You gotta get the\n\nhand right from the opening.\n\nGEORGE\nShe's playing a recital this week at\nthe McBierney School. You wanna hear\nher play? I got two extra tickets, you\nand Elaine could go...\n\nJERRY\nYeah, that sounds like somethin'...\n\nGEORGE\nThen afterwards maybe we could all go\nout together. Y'know she'll\n\nsee me with my friends, she'll observe me as I really am, as\nmyself.\n\nMaybe I can get some hand that way.\n\nKramer enters\n\nKRAMER\nHey, smell my arm... Smell it!\n\nGEORGE\nWith all due respect, I don't think\nso...\n\nJERRY\nThat smells good, what is that?\n\nKRAMER\nThe beach!\n\nJERRY\nThe beach?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, did you go swimmin'? It's 29 degrees\nout!\n\nKRAMER\nI just joined the Polar Bear Club.\n\nJERRY\nYou joined the Polar Bears?!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat the Hell is a \"Polar Bear\"?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, it's these people-- they go swimmin'\nin the winter. They're terrific, I just\ntook my first swim today. Brrrrrrr!\nIt's invigorating....\n\nJERRY\nYeah... So's shock therapy.\n\nJERRY\n(with glee) What is that, a Pez dispenser?!\n\nKRAMER\nWant one? Yeah, I just bought it at\nthe Flea Market.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, what goes on there, exactly?\n\nJERRY\nYou don't know?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I-I-I know... (retreats back to\nhis Chinese take out) I know...\n\nJERRY\nYou think they have fleas there, don't\nyou?\n\nGEORGE\nNo...\n\nJERRY\nYes you do, Biff. You've never been\nto a Flea Market, and you\n\nthink they have fleas there.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, I think they have fleas there.\nSo what...\n\nELAINELAINE\nI don't know how anyone does this. It\nmust be so nerve racking...\n\nHow do they warm up their fingers?\n\nJERRY\nThey have a piano backstage they warm\nup on.\n\nELAINELAINE\nNo, we would have heard it.\n\nJERRY\nWhat, do you think they just crack their\nknuckles and come out?\n\nGEORGE\nI told her we'd all go out afterwards,\nokay? And don't applaud\n\nwhen she stops playing the first time. It's not over yet.\n\nJERRY\n(quickly whispering) I resent that you\nsaid that! That's\n\ndirected at me, isn't it?!\n\nA very elegant Noel comes out and sits at her piano.\n\nJERRY\nIs this okay? Can I do this? (he claps)\n\nSTEVE\nSomething I said? (no response) It's\nJohn... Mollika.\n\nELAINELAINE\nOh, oh, John... Oh, hi John... Hi...\n\nSTEVE\nWhat're you doing down here?\n\nELAINE\nOh, I was just at this recital and Jerry\nput a Pez dispenser on my leg and I\n\nstarted laughing.\n\nMOLLIKA\nJerry's in there? I heard you guys broke\nup.\n\nELAINE\nWe did. We're just hanging out.\n\nMOLLIKA\nREally. ... You really look great.\n\nELAINE\nOh, uh, thank you. Are you still friends\nwith Richie Appel?\n\nMOLLIKA\nOh, Richie, he's been doing comedy in\nL. A. for a few years. He\n\njust got back a month ago. He's kind of messed up. On drugs.\n\nI don't know what to do for the guy.\n\nELAINE\nHave you thought about an intervention?\n\nMOLLIKA\nWhat's that?\n\nELAINE\nYou get all his friends in a room, They\nconfront himm to try to get\n\nhim into rehab. It's a very popular thing now.\n\nMOLLIKA\nHe'd never listen to anyone. ... Except\nof course Jerry. He'd listen to\n\nJerry. Jerry would have to be involved. He really respects Jerry.\n\nCut to Jerry playing with Tweety Bird Pez dispenser.\n\nOutside Noel's dressing room\n\nELAINELAINE\nI'm sorry. George, I'm sorry!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat did you put the Pez dispenser on\nher leg for in the first\n\nplace?\n\nJERRY\nI dunno, it was an impulse.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat kind of a sick impulse does that??\n\nJERRY\nHow could I know she would start to\nlaugh?\n\nELAINELAINE\nI'm sorry. I'm sorry. I am!\n\nJERRY\nCan we just go in already?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are we gonna tell her?\n\nELAINELAINE\nI'll tell her I was the one who laughed.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, don't say a word. If she thinks\nmy friends are jerks, then\n\nI'm a jerk...\n\nELAINELAINE\n(To Jerry) Oh, remind me to talk to\nyou about something later.\n\nJERRY\nWhat about?\n\nGEORGE\nHey, hey! We're discussing something!\n\nJERRY\nI know, but I'm distracted now.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you? A baby!? All right. Tell\nher.\n\nE When I was outside I ran into John Mollika.\n\nJERRY\nReally John Mollika, they guy that used\nto bartend at the Comedy Club. How's\nhe doing?\n\nELAINE\nHe's good.\n\nGEORGE\nUh, can we cut to the chase?\n\nJERRY\n\"Cut to the chase\"?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah...\n\nJERRY\nWhat're you, \"Joe Hollywood\"?\n\nGEORGE\nA lot of people say it.\n\nJERRY\nI would lose that.\n\nGEORGE\n(Accusingly) What's that?\n\nJERRY\n\"Lose that\"? That's not a Hollywood\nexpression!\n\nGEORGE\n(Realizing full well it isn't) ...Yes\nit is.\n\nELAINE\nAnyway ... So John told me that Richie\nis in town from\n\nLos Angeles and he's really messed up on drugs. So I told\n\nhim that he should do an intervention.\n\nJERRY\nReally, an intervention ...\n\nGEORGE\nY'know people, we got a situation over\nhere!\n\nELAINE\nYeah, but he want's you to be a part\nof it.\n\nJERRY\nMe? Why me?\n\nELAINE\n'Cause Richie really respects you and\nhe would listen to you.\n\nJERRY\nY'know these things are really hard\nto load...\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, OK, I'm goin' in.\n\nJERRY\nWe've got to talk about this (to Elaine)\n\nELAINE\nAll right.\n\n(They Enter)\n\nGEORGE\nHi, hi, hi, You were wonderful.\n\nNOEL\nNo..\n\nGEORGE\nOh, these are my friends, Elaine and\nJerry, ... Noel\n\nJERRY\nYou play a Hell of a piano.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I was really moved, really moved.\n\nNOEL\nWell didn't you hear that person laughing?\nI couldn't play. I was\n\nhumiliated...\n\nELAINE\nWell, I'm sure it wasn't at you.\n\nNOEL\nWell then, what was she laughing at?\n\nJERRY\nPez?\n\nNOEL\nUh, no, No thank you. Did you see her?\n\nGEORGE\nMe, uh, uh, no, ...\n\nJERRY\nAnyone who would laugh at a recital\nis probably some sort of lunatic anyway.\nI mean only a sick twisted mind could\nbe that rude and ignorant.\n\nELAINE\nMaybe some mental defective put something\nstupid on her leg.\n\nJERRY\nEven if this so called mental defective\ndid put something on her leg she's still\nthe one who laughed.\n\nNOEL\nI'll never forget that laugh for the\nrest of my life. (exits)\n\nELAINE\nI'm sure she would apologize if she\ncould. Probably somebody is holding\nher back against every fibre in her\nbeing.\n\nGEORGE\nIf she want's to continue to have a\nfibre of her being she'll be very careful\n(hitting each other)\n\n(Noel enters)\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, so are you ready, so we'll\ngo out and get something to eat.\n\nNOEL\nI don't feel like it tonight.\n\nJERRY\nWe'll be outside\n\nELAINE\nYeah\n\nJERRY\nIt was nice meeting you By the way,\nHow do you warm up your fingers before\nyou play?\n\nN\nI just crack my knuckles.\n\nGEORGE\nWe'll have a good time\n\nN\nI don't feel like it\n\nGEORGE\nAh, come on\n\nN\nI said I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT!\n\nGEORGE\nUm, all right, um, uh, I'll call 'ya.\nI'll call you and we'll talk on the\nphone. A telephone communiqu\u00e9. Every\nthing is fine ok, uh, fine, .. (exits)\n\n(MONKS)\n\nJERRY\nYou know I thing Kramer might have been\nresponsible for getting Richie involved\nwith drugs in the first place.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? How?\n\nJERRY\nA few years ago the comedy club had\na softball team. Kramer was our first\nbaseman You couldn't get anything by\nhim It was unbelievable.\n\nAnyway this one game we came back to win from like 8 runs behind.\nSo Kramer says to Richie why don't you dump the bucket of Gatorade\non Marty Benson's head? The club owner. So Richie goes ahead\nand does it.\n\nELAINE\nSo? What happened?\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened? The guy was like 67 years\nold, it was freezing out, he caught\na cold, got pneumonia,\n\nand a month later he was dead.\n\nELAINE\nShut up!\n\nJERRY\nAll the comedians were happy. He was\none of these club owners nobodu liked\nanyway. But Richie was never the same.\n\nELAINE\nWhar about Kramer?\n\nJERRY\nHe's the same!\n\n(Jerry on phone at home)\n\nJERRY\nAre you sure you want me John. I have\nspoken to Richie in two years. I don't\nhave a good apartment for\n\nan intervention. The furniture, it's very non-confrontational.\nAll right All right. Goodbye.\n\n(to Kramer) Remember Ricie Appel?\n\nKRAMER\n(looks shocked) Oh sure, the guy I told\nto pour the Gatorade that killed Marty\nBenson?\n\nJERRY\nRight, we'll John Mollika is organizing\nsome kind of intervention for him. We're\nhaving it here.\n\nKRAMER\nCan I get in on that?\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you think? It's like a poker\ngame?\n\nKRAMER\nIs Elaine going?\n\nJERRY\nYeah\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I knew him as well as she did.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, but John invited her.\n\nKRAMER\nSo what are you saying, you don't want\nme to intervene?\n\nJERRY\nNo, intervene, go intervene all you\nwant. I am just afraid you might be\ninterfering while we're intervening.\n\nBuzzer\n\nGEORGE\nIt's George\n\nJERRY\nStop smelling your arm.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know I got a great idea for a cologne.\nThe Beach. You spray it on and you smell\nlike you just\n\ncame home from the beach\n\nJERRY\nHum, a cologne that smells like the\nbeach. I can't believe I'm saying this,\n\"That's not a bad idea.\"\n\nKRAMER\nTell me about it!\n\nJERRY\nWhy don't you call Steve D'Jiff, he\nworks in the marketing department at\nCalvin Klein.\n\nIn fact he's a good friend of John Mollika and Richie also.\n\n(George enters)\n\nGEORGE\nWell it's over. It's definitely over.\n\nJERRY\nShe broke up with you?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, but I can tell she's going to. I\ncan sense it. We had this terrible phone\nconversation.\n\nI was so nervous before I called I made up this whole list of\nthings to talk about.\n\nJERRY\nWhat was on the list?\n\nGEORGE\nLet's see, How I'm very good at going\nin reverse in my car, why isn't Postum\na more popular drink,\n\nJERRY\nYeah, Postum is under-ratted,\n\nGEORGE\nAnyway there was all this tension. I\nasked her if she wanted to go out to\ndinner and she said\n\n\"no, maybe we could get together for lunch.\" You know what that\nmeans.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's wrong with lunch?\n\nGEORGE\nLunch is fine at the beginning then\nyou move on to dinner. you don't move\nback to lunch. It's like being demoted.\n\nI'll never do another crossword puzzle with her again. I know\nit.\n\nKRAMER\nI like the Jumble You ever do the Jumble?\n\nGEORGE\nI have no power Do you understand? I\nneed hand. I have no hand.\n\nKRAMER\nBreak up with her\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nYou break up with her. You reverse everything\nthat way.\n\nJERRY\nA preemptive breakup.\n\nGEORGE\nA preemptive breakup. This is an incredible\nidea. I got nothing to lose.\n\nWe either break up which she would do anyway but at least I go\nout with some\n\nDignity. Completely turn the tables. It's absolutely brilliant.\n\n(MONKS)\n\nGEORGE\nSo, I am have to going to break up with\nyou.\n\nNOEL\nYou're breaking up with me?\n\nGEORGE\nI, ... am breaking up with, ... you.\n\nNOEL\nWow.\n\nGEORGE\nShocked?\n\nNOEL\nI really am.\n\nGEORGE\nNever expected this did you?\n\nNOEL\nI thought everything was fine.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, live and learn.\n\nNOEL\nI don't understand. You're breaking\nup with me. Didn't we have fun doing\nthe crossword puzzles?\n\nGEORGE\nKind of.\n\nNOEL\nI'm very confused.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I didn't mean to hurt you kid.\n\nNOEL\nI thought,...\n\nGEORGE\nNow, stop it ...\n\nNOEL\nWhat do you want, I can make you happy.\n\nGEORGE\nWhen you're playing the piano do you\nthink about me?\n\nNOEL\nI don't know.\n\nGEORGE\nThis is what I'm talking about.\n\nNOEL\nOK, I'll think about you.\n\nGEORGE\nAll the time.\n\nNOEL\nAll the time? ... OK, All the time.\n\nGEORGE\nI can't hear you.\n\nNOEL\nAll the time. ALL THE TIME.\n\nGEORGE\nSee, It's not so hard.\n\n(CALVIN KLEIN)\n\nKRAMER\nGo ahead smell, smell\n\nSTEVE\nYeah, so?\n\nKRAMER\nDo you recognize it? ... The beach.\n\nSTEVE\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I'm talking about the beach.\n\nSTEVE\nWhat about it?\n\nKRAMER\nYou know the way you smell when you\nfirst come home from the beach?\n\nWell, I want to make a cologne that captures the essence of that\nsmell.\n\nOh yeah.\n\nSTEVE\nThat is the dumbest idea I have ever\nheard.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, wait, Did you here what I just said?\n\nSTEVE\nDo you think people are going to pay\n$80 a bottle to smell like dead\n\nfish and sea weed? That's why people take showers when the come\n\nhome from the beach. It's an objectionable offensive odour.\n\nKRAMER\nSo you don't think it's a good idea?\n\nTHE INTERVENTION\nI may have confused the names of some\nof the male interveners below)\n\nTo Elaine\n\nGUY\nThe membranes get dried and it just\nstarts bleeding. Since I was a\n\nkid so I have to stick tissue up there\n\nELAINE\n(very uninterested) Uh, you have to\nwork like that?\n\nGUY\nNobody minds Nobody has ever said anything\nto me.\n\nTo Jerry\n\nOTHER GUY\nAre there any ice cubes?\n\nJERRY\nIn the freezer.\n\nOTHER GUY\nI looked. There aren't any ice cubes.\n\nJERRY\nWell I guess there aren't any ice cubes.\n\nOTHER GUY\nI can't drink this. It's warm! (walks\naway)\n\nGUY\nShouldn't we rehearse this a little\nbit before Richie comes?\n\nSTEVE\nWhat's the plan?\n\nJERRY\nDo I have to talk? I don't feel like\ntalking.\n\nOTHER GUY\nWell, if he's not going to talk I'm\nnot going to talk either.\n\nGUY\nNo, we all have to talk.\n\nELAINE\nWhat's the order?\n\nGUY\nWe'll go in alphabetical order. First\nRoberta.\n\nROBERTA\nWhy am I first?\n\nELAINE\nAlbano is your last name.\n\nROBERTA\nThat's not my name any more. I'm divorced.\n\nSTEVE\nI'll go first.\n\nKramer enters\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nIs this the interference?\n\nJERRY\nIntervention.\n\nOTHER GUY\nWhat are you doing here?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, is it all right if I stay for the\nintervention?\n\nSTEVE\nHey, this is for close friends only.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm a friend. Who do you think told\nhim to pour the Gatorade\n\nover Marty Benson's head?\n\nOTHER GUY\nLet him stay.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, you know I got someone to make\nup that cologne for me, big mouth.\n\nSTEVE\nSomebody's going to make that crap?\n\nSome old guys enter\n\nOLD GUY\nKramer!\n\nKRAMER\nHey, come on, these are some of my polar\nbear buddies.\n\nOTHER GUY\nThey can't stay.\n\nOLD GUY\nWe're having a party here?\n\nJERRY\nNo, we're having an intervention\n\nOLD GUY\nAn intervention? Who's intervening?\n\nJERRY\nThere's a friend of ours on drugs and\nwe're going to confront him.\n\nOLD GUY\nSure, we used to do that when one of\nour polar bears stopped\n\ncoming. We would go to his house and say, \"What you don't want\nto be a\n\npolar bear anymore? It's too cold for you?\"\n\nBuzzer\n\nGUY\nIt's him.\n\nROBERTA\nWhat should we do?\n\nELAINE\nHide!\n\nJERRY\nIt's NOT a surprise party! Yeah (to\nintercom)\n\nGEORGE\nIt's George\n\nJERRY\nYeah, come on up. ... It's not him.\n\nGUY\nIf you don't go out with me it's because\nI'm a bar tender.\n\nELAINE\nLook, I don't think this is appropriate\nright now.\n\nGUY\nIs it because I have a tissue in my\nnose?\n\nELAINE\nYou're getting warm.\n\nGeorge and Noel enter (Noel looks awful)\n\nGEORGE\nWe just came from Chadway's(?) What's\ngoing on.\n\nJERRY\nWe're having the intervention for Richie.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, right, right, the intervention.\nShould we leave?\n\nJERRY\nWell, uh..\n\nNOEL\n(happily) Elaine, hi.\n\nELAINE\nOh, hi Noel\n\n(Noel sits on couch with Elaine with Old Guy between them)\n\nJERRY\nWell, you're looking well.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, let me tell you something, \"A\nman without hand is not a man.\"\n\nI got so much hand I'm coming out of my gloves. I got to thank\nKramer.\n\nSTEVE\nEven if I were dragged through manure\nI still wouldn't put that stuff on.\n\nGEORGE\n(to Kramer) This man is a genius. Genius!\n\nSTEVE\nYou think so?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't think so I know so, Kramer,\ncome here I got to talk to you\n\nOLD MAN\nThe male kangaroo doesn't have a pouch\nonly the female has it. The male has\npouch envy.\n\nELAINE\n(Chuckles)\n\nOld GUY; at least give me a pocket.\n\nELAINE\n(laughs)\n\nNoel turns to Elaine. Jerry raises his eyes to heaven\n\nNOEL\nThat laugh. That's the laugh. That's\nit. You're the one.\n\nELAINE\nNo, no. It was an accident. It really\nwasn't my fault. It was Jerry.\n\nJerry put a Pez dispenser on my leg.\n\nNOEL\nYou put a Pez dispenser on her leg during\nmy recital?.\n\nJERRY\nI didn't know she would laugh.\n\nNOEL\nYou lied to me George, you lied to me.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I, uh, um, wa, wa, What did I do?\n... Where are you going?\n\nNOEL\nI ... am breaking up ... with you!\n\nGEORGE\nYou can't break up with me. I've got\nhand.\n\nNOEL\nAnd you're going to need it.\n\nNoel exits, George chases her\n\nRichie and John enter\n\nJERRY\nHey Richie\n\nRICHIE\nSo what's going on?\n\nLater\n\nJERRY\nIt was pretty ugly from the get go.\nhe's not listening, He's hostile, he's\n\ntalking back.\n\nGEORGE\nI can't do these puzzles.\n\nJERRY\nSo he starts to get up He spots the\nPez dispenser on the coffee table\n\nGEORGE\nAh ah Pez dispenser.\n\nJERRY\nHe picks it up - he stares at it - It's\nlike he's hypnotized by it. Then he's\n\ntelling us this story about how when he was a kid he was in the\ncar with his father, and\n\nhis father was trying to load one of them\n\nGEORGE\nWell they're hard to load.\n\nJERRY\nTell me something I don't know. So as\nthe father's trying to load it he loses\ncontrol\n\nof the car and it crashes into a high school cafeteria. Nobody's\nhurt but Pez is all\n\nover the car. And the dispenser was destroyed virtually beyond\nrecognition.\n\nGEORGE\nPoor kid.\n\nJERRY\nSo as he's telling the story he starts\ncrying.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat did you do?\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you think? I gave him my Pez\ndispenser.\n\nGEORGE\nWow\n\nJERRY\nTwo hours later he checks into Smither's\nclinic. I talked to the doctor yesterday.\n\nHe's doing great on the rehab. He's hooked on Pez. He's eating\nthem like there's no tomorrow.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's a three letter word for candy?\n\nJERRY\nI can't do those things.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Suicide.html",
    "text": "THE SUICIDE\n\nWritten by\n\nTom Leopold\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nThe thing I don't understand about the suicide person is the\npeople who try and commit suicide for some reason they don't\ndie and that's it. They stop trying. Why? Why don't they just\nkeep trying? What has changed? Is their life any better now?\nNo. In fact it's worse because now they've found out one more\nthing you stink at. Okay, that's why these people don't succeed\nin life to begin with. Because they give up too easy. I say,\npills don't work, try a rope. Car won't start in the garage,\nget a tune up. You know what I mean? There's nothing more rewarding\nthan reaching a goal you have set for yourself.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJERRY\nLet me ask you a question. If you named\na kid Rasputin do you think that would\nhave a negative effect on his life?\n\nELAINE\nNa.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you doing? We're going out\nfor dinner in ten minutes.\n\nELAINE\nDo you realize this is the last meal\nI am going to have for three days?\n\n(buzzer)\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's George.\n\nJERRY\nCome on up... . I never heard of this.\nYou've got to fast for three days to\ntake an ulcer test. How you gonna do\nthat?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know. How could I possibly have\nulcers? Who could have given me ulcers?\n\nJERRY\nI think I'll take out the garbage.\n\nELAINE\nHey, have you ever fasted?\n\nJERRY\nWell, once I didn't have dinner until,\nlike 9:00 o'clock, that was pretty rough.\n(exits to hall with garbage \u2013 meets\nGeorge) Hey, do me a favour will ya'?\nThrow out my garbage for me.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, right.\n\nJERRY\nCome on, it's just down the hall.\n\nGEORGE\nGive me two bucks. I'll do it for two\nbucks.\n\nJERRY\nI'll give you 50 cents.\n\nGEORGE\nThere's no way I touch that bag for\nless than two dollars.\n\nJERRY\nCome on. Fifty cents. (??) a piece of\nDrake's coffee cake\n\nGEORGE\nYou're not getting no Drake's Coffee\nCake for fifty cents. Yae, Hey, I'm\nall set. I got the ticket. I'm going\nto the Cayman Islands this Friday.\n\nJERRY\nI don't get you. Who goes on vacation\nwithout a job? What do you need a break\nfrom getting up at eleven?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's an incredible deal. I don't know\nwhy you don't come with me.\n\nJERRY\nNah, I don't go for these non-refundable\ndeals. I can't commit to a woman. I'm\nnot going to commit to an airline.\n\n(Gina enters the hall)\n\nGINA\nHi.\n\nJERRY\nHi.\n\nGINA\nHow are you?\n\nJERRY\nGina, do you know what a Drake's Coffee\nCake is?\n\nGINA\nOf course, the plane cake with the sweet\nbrown crumbs on the top.\n\nJERRY\nHow much do they cost?\n\nGINA\nThe junior?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no the full size.\n\nJERRY\nNo, no the junior.\n\nGEORGE\nYou didn't say \"junior\".\n\nGINA\nI haven't had one of those since I was\na little girl.\n\nJERRY\nReally? You should be ashamed of yourself.\nI want you out of here! (MARTIN enters\nthe hall) How ya' doing?\n\nMARTIN\nGood enough.\n\n(MARTIN leaves with Gina)\n\nJERRY\nBoy she's sexy isn't she?\n\n(Jerry leaves garbage bag by Kramer's apartment and knocks on\nthe door. As he and George enter Jerry's apartment Kramer comes\nout and takes the garbage bag.)\n\nJERRY\nDo you believe that guy?\n\nELAINE\nWhat guy?\n\nJERRY\nMy neighbour:\n\nELAINE\nOh, that creepy guy?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, did he think I was flirting with\nher?\n\nGEORGE\nHe didn't seem too pleased.\n\nELAINE\nMaybe I'll get a steak with french fried\nonion wings.\n\nGEORGE\nhey, you know what? I just remembered\nsomething. I had a dream about that\nguy last night. This is amazing.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's so amazing? You've seen him before.\n\nGEORGE\nI haven't seen him for months.\n\nJERRY\nWhat was the dream?\n\nGEORGE\nI was doing standup comedy in Kennebunkport\nMaine. ??? night club. The stage was\non a cliff and the audience was throwing\nall the comics off.\n\nJERRY\nI think I've played there.\n\nGEORGE\nI've had a lot of other paranormal stuff\nhappen to me.\n\nJERRY\nYou're a little paranormal\n\nELAINE\nHey, George, you know my friend goes\nto a psychic.\n\nGEORGE\nReally?\n\nELAINE\nUh uh, you should go some time.\n\nGEORGE\nI'd love to go. Make an appointment.\n\nJERRY\nPsychics, vacations. How about getting\na job?\n\nGEORGE\nI just got fired.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, come on, lets get out of here.\n\nELAINE\nI wonder what Ghandi ate before his\nfast.\n\nJERRY\nI heard he used to polish off a box\nof Triscuits.\n\nELAINE\nReally?\n\nJERRY\nOh, yeah. Ghandi loved Triscuits.\n\n(They exit)\n\n(Jerry's apartment late at night there is knocking at the door)\n\nJERRY\nWho is it? Who is it?\n\nGINA\nIt's Gina.\n\nJERRY\nWho?\n\nGINA\nMartine's girl friend.\n\nJERRY\nMartine?\n\nGINA\nYou next door neighbour.\n\nJERRY\nOh, Martin!\n\n(Jerry opens door)\n\nGEORGE\nIt's Martine. I think he's dying. He\ntried to kill himself with pills.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGINA\nCome on.\n\nJERRY\nIn my pajamas? I better get my robe.\n\nGINA\nWe don't have enough time.\n\nJERRY\nIt'll take two seconds.\n\nGINA\nThere is no time.\n\nJERRY\nWe don't have two seconds?\n\nGINA\nAll right. Go ahead.\n\nJERRY\nNah, forget it.\n\nGINA\nNo, go ahead.\n\nJERRY\nNah. I'll just wear the pajamas.\n\nGINA\nWill you just get it.\n\nJERRY\nAre you sure?\n\nGINA\nForget it. Come on.\n\nJERRY\nNah, I'll go get the robe.\n\n(Metropolitan Hospital Center)\n\nJERRY\nThat's not too bad. It's not like a\nSunny von Bulow comma. The doctor said\nhe should snap out of it anytime.\n\nGINA\nYou know why he did this? Because I\ntold him it was over. I did not want\nto see him anymore.\n\nJERRY\nReally? It's over?\n\nGINA\nI could not stand it another minute.\nYesterday he turned over a man's hot\ndog stand because he thought the man\nwas looking at me. And then after he\nsaw you in the hall. Ach, he was crazy\nwith jealousy.\n\nJERRY\nOh boy, did he say anything about me?\n\nGINA\nHe does not like you. And all indications\nare he does not like Drake's Coffee\nCake.\n\nJERRY\nHe said that?\n\nGINA\nHe was screaming about it all night.\nHow it's too sweet and it falls apart\nwhen you eat it.\n\nJERRY\nI'm sorry if I caused any trouble. I\nwas just being friendly.\n\nGINA\nI wasn't.\n\nJERRY\nYou weren't?\n\nGINA\nNo, I have thought about you many times.\nHave you thought about me?\n\nJERRY\nOf course.\n\nGINA\nTell me everything.\n\nJERRY\nAre you sure he can't hear anything?\n...MARTIN, MARTIN.\n\nGINA\nI wish he was not in a coma. I wish\nhe was dead. I wish I could pull the\nplug out from him.\n\nJERRY\nI, would, I would wait on that. I know\nhow you feel but. Juries today, you\nnever know how they're going to look\nat a thing like this.\n\nGINA\nI saw you looking at your watch. You\nwant to leave? Go ahead.\n\nJERRY\nNo, I just wanted to see what time it\nwas.\n\nGINA\nAre you afraid of him?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nGINA\nThen kiss me.\n\nJERRY\nHere?\n\nGINA\nYes, right here.\n\nJERRY\nIs this the proper venue?\n\nGINA\nYou don't want to?\n\nJERRY\nNo, no, I want to. I, I very much want\nto. I, I desire to. I, I pine to.\n\nGINA\nThen kiss me right in front of him.\n\nJERRY\nI can't. What if he wakes up?\n\nGINA\nA man is lying here unconscious and\nyou're afraid of him? What kind of a\nman are you?\n\nJERRY\nA man who respects a good comma. If\nit was one of those in and out comas,\nmaybe. But when a guy's got a coma going\nlike this ... you don't want to mess with\nit.\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nDid you hear about Martin?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I heard.\n\nKRAMER\nI can't believe he's in a coma.\n\nKRAMER\nHe's got my vacuum cleaner. You know\nI loaned it to him. He never returned\nit. The carpets are filthy. What am\nI going to do?\n\nJERRY\nWho told you about Martin?\n\nKRAMER\nNewman! He's good friends with him.\n\nJx; Oh, big mouth Newman. I should have guessed.\n\nKRAMER\nHe's got all of my attachments, you\nknow.\n\nJERRY\nHey, let me ask you something. How long\ndo you have to wait for a guy to come\nout of a coma before you can ask his\nex-girlfriend out?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat, Gina? Why wait? Why not just call\nDoctor Kavorkian?\n\nJERRY\nYou know I don't get that whole suicide\nmachine. There's no tall buildings where\nthese people live? They can't wrap their\nlips around a revolver like a normal\nperson?\n\nKRAMER\nSo what's going on between you and Gina?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I went with her to the hospital\nlast night.\n\nKRAMER\nUh, uh.\n\nJERRY\nSo we're in the room and she's trying\nto get me to kiss her right in front\nof him.\n\nKRAMER\nUh, uh, you see that's the great thing\nabout Mediterranean women. All right,\nso what did you do?\n\nJERRY\nNothing.\n\nKRAMER\nAh, what kind of a man are you? The\nguy is unconscious in a coma and you\ndon't have the guts to kiss his girlfriend?\n\nJERRY\nI didn't know what the coma etiquette\nwas.\n\nKRAMER\nThere is no coma etiquette. You see\nthat's the beauty of the coma, man.\nIt doesn't matter what you do around\nit.\n\nJERRY\nSo you're saying, his girl, his car,\nhis clothes, it's all up for grabs.\nYou can just loot the coma victim.\n\nKRAMER\nI'd give him 24 hours to get out of\nit. They can't get out of it in 24 hours,\nit's a land rush.\n\nJERRY\nSo if the coma victim wakes up in a\nmonth, he's thrilled, he got out of\nthe coma. He goes home, there's nothing\nleft?\n\nKRAMER\nNOTHING LEFT! That's why I'm trying\nto get that vacuum cleaner. Because\nsomebody's going to grab it.\n\n(The psychic's apartment)\n\nRULA\nMartin's spirit came to you as a warning.\n\nELAINE\nWhy would he come to George?\n\nRULA\nBecause George has heightened extra\nsensory perception. FAYGY GET YOUR FINGER\nOUT OF YOUR NOSE.\n\nGEORGE\nI knew it. I always felt different.\n\nRULA\nYou are. Some coffee cake?\n\nGEORGE\nDrakes?\n\nRULA\nYes.\n\nGEORGE\nDid you buy this for me?\n\nRULA\nNo, why?\n\nGEORGE\nHa, because I love Drake's Coffee Cake.\n\nRULA\nMaybe I did.\n\nELAINE\nTake it away.\n\nGEORGE\nShe hasn't eaten in two days.\n\nRULA\nWho's Pauline?\n\nGEORGE\nPauline? ... Wait a minute. I got\nit. My brother once impregnated a woman\nnamed Pauline.\n\nRULA\nDo you think about her?\n\nGEORGE\nWhen I hear her name mentioned.\n\nRULA\nCut these with your left hand.\n\nGEORGE\nThere was a woman, Audrey. She had a\nvery big nose.\n\nRULA\nI see an Audrey, but with a small nose.\n\nGEORGE\nYes, yes, she had a nose job. I loved\nher very deeply. Will she ever speak\nto me again?\n\nRULA\nNot in this life.\n\nELAINE\nShould you be smoking?\n\nRULA\nDoes it bother you?\n\nELAINE\nYou're pregnant.\n\nGEORGE\nElaine.\n\nRULA\nI smoked when I had Faisy.\n\nRULA\nAh oh.\n\nGEORGE\nAh oh? What? What Ah oh?\n\nRULA\nI don't know about this trip George.\n\nGEORGE\nYou can see the Cayman Islands in there?\nIs something going to happen to me?\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nIt's really bad for the fetus. Do you\nknow that.\n\nGEORGE\nElaine, she's a psychic. She knows how\nthe kid's going to be.\n\nGEORGE\nShould I not go on this trip?\n\nRULA\nGeorge, I am going to tell you something\nand I want you to really hear me.\n\nELAINE\nNow listen. I just don't know how a\nperson, with everything we now know\nabout pre-natal care can put a cigarette\nin her mouth.\n\nGEORGE\nElaine, what are you doing?\n\nELAINE\nIt's disgusting.\n\nRULA\nI DON'T BELIVE IT. I would like you\nboth to leave.\n\nELAINE\nOh fine, I don't like to be around people\nwho are just so irresponsible.\n\nRULA\nGet the hell out.\n\n(Elaine leaving)\n\nGEORGE\nA plane crash? A Heart attack? Lupus?\nIs it Lupus?\n\nRULA\nDo you want me to call the super? He\nwas an Israeli commando.\n\nGEORGE\nIf you don't say anything I will assume\nit's a plane crash.\n\nRULA\nGet out.\n\nGEORGE\nNot a plane crash. (leaving) Is it a\nplane crash?\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nGINA\nI do not like your toothbrush. There\nare no bristles.\n\nJERRY\nYou can say what you want about me but\nI'll be damned if I'm going to stand\nhere while you insult my toothbrush.\n\nGINA\nIt is too small for someone with such\na big mouth (kisses Kerry). Let me ask\nyou. What will you do if Martine wakes\nup? Run away like a mouse?\n\nJERRY\nNo, more like the Three Stooges at the\nend of every movie.\n\nGINA\nWho are these Stooges you speak of?\n\nJERRY\nThey're a comedy team.\n\nGINA\nTell me about them. Everything.\n\nJERRY\nWell, they're three kind of funny looking\nguys and they hit each other a lot.\n\nGINA\nYou will show me The Stooges?\n\nJERRY\nI will show you The Stooges.\n\nGINA\nWhen?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I don't really know where The\nStooges are right now but if I locate\nthem you will be the first to know.\n\nGINA\nCome, you walk me to a cab.\n\nJERRY\nWell, uh, I uh, I don't want you to\nget upset or anything but uh, with Martin\nand all, well maybe it's not such a\ngood idea for us to be seen together\nin the building, because, you know,\nhe had a lot of friends here.\n\nGINA\nYou're still afraid. You are not a man.\n\nJERRY\nWell then what are all those ties and\nsport jackets doing in my closet?\n\nGINA\nAre you going to walk me to a cab or\nnot?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, all right. All right.\n\n(Jerry and Gina meet Kramer and leaving his apartment with Newman)\n\nKRAMER\nYou should just eat fruit.\n\nNEWMAN\nI can't eat fruit. It makes me incontinent.\n\nKRAMER\n???\n\nNEWMAN\nHello Gina. Hello Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHello Newman.\n\n(Metropolitan Hospital Center - Hallway)\n\nJERRY\nDo you think Newman would tell Martin\nif he wakes up? What kind of sicko would\ndo that? He could kill me.\n\nGEORGE\nPeople smoke, Elaine. My mother smoked.\nIt didn't hurt me.\n\nELAINE\n(jumps with fear to Jerry) Did you see\nthat wall move?\n\nJERRY\nBoy, it's a good thing we came.\n\nGEORGE\nCould there be a native p0roblem in\nthe Caymans? Maybe there's native unrest.\n\nELAINE\nHi, I haven't eaten in three days. I\nwas wondering how much longer it would\nbe until I get my X-ray.\n\nNURSE\nWe'll call you.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, I want you to promise me something.\nIf I'm ever in a comma. In the first\n24 hours get everything out of my apartment\nand put it in storage.\n\nGEORGE\nHow come?\n\nJERRY\nLooters.\n\nELAINE\nHow do we know that dog food is any\ngood? Who tastes it?\n\nJERRY\nShe's really hungry.\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nELAINE\nKramer\n\nKRAMER\nWell, Newman's upstairs visiting Martin.\n\nGEORGE\nWould you buy my Cayman Island ticket?\n\nKRAMER\nYou're not going?\n\nGEORGE\nNo.\n\nKRAMER\nWhy not?\n\nGEORGE\nThe psychic said something terrible\nwill happen.\n\nKRAMER\nI dig.\n\n(Metropolitan Hospital Center - Martin's room)\n\nKRAMER\nI want my vacuum cleaner! I know you\ncan hear me. Look my mother, she's going\nto come and visit me. She sees that\nrug, she's going to kill me.\n\nW\nHe can't hear you, you idiot. Why don't\nyou just buy another one.\n\nKRAMER\nWhy would I buy another one when I spent\na hundred bucks on this one?\n\nW\nI have a carpet sweeper you can use.\n\nKRAMER\nI don't want a carpet sweeper. They\ndon't do anything.\n\nW\nIt gets my rug clean.\n\nKRAMER\nThe carpet sweeper is the biggest scam\nperpetrated on the American public since\nOne Hour Martinizing.\n\nW\nWell, you should take a look at my rug\nthen.\n\nKRAMER\nI wouldn't set foot in your house.\n\n(Jerry enters)\n\nJERRY\nHello.\n\nNEWMAN\nHello Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHow's he doing?\n\nKRAMER\nHe looks happy to me.\n\nNEWMAN\nI hope he stays this happy when he wakes\nup.\n\nJERRY\nWhy wouldn't he?\n\nNEWMAN\nNo reason.\n\nJERRY\nHe'll have a lot of catching up to do,\nI guess.\n\nNEWMAN\nI'll bring him up to date.\n\nJERRY\nHow up to date?\n\nNEWMAN\nOh, all the way up.\n\nJERRY\nAnd nothing could change your mind?\n\nNEWMAN\nWell, it would take a hell of a lot.\nBecause a friend is something you earn.\n\nKRAMER\nOkay, Jerry has a friend who has free\ntickets to the Cayman Islands for this\nweekend. He's not going.\n\nNEWMAN\nI don't care much for the beach. I freckle.\n... Is that a,..\n\nJERRY\nDrake's Coffee Cake\n\nNEWMAN\nWow, where did you get that?\n\nJERRY\nFrom my house. I got a whole box of\nthem.\n\nNEWMAN\nBoy, that's the full size.\n\nJERRY\nThat's your big boy.\n\nNEWMAN\nCan I have a bite?\n\nJERRY\nI don't give out bites. I got another\none. But I'm saving it for later.\n\nNEWMAN\nJust one bite?\n\nJERRY\nI don't think so. You know they, they're\nso fragile.\n\nNEWMAN\nAll right! All right. I won't say anything.\n\nJERRY\nYou swear?\n\nNEWMAN\nI swear.\n\nJERRY\nOn your mother's life?\n\nNEWMAN\nOn my mother's life.\n\nKRAMER\noh oh oh oh oh\n\nNEWMAN\nOooh,\n\n(Metropolitan Hospital Center - Hallway)\n\nELAINE\nAnd there it was, mountains of duck.\nAnd not fatty duck either, but juicy\ntender breasts of duck.\n\n(George sees the Psychic's girl, Faisy and follows her into the\nPsychic's room))\n\nGEORGE\n...sweetheart, no come here, ... sweetheart\n\nRULA\npew, pew, pew, pew (breathing)\n\nGEORGE\nhow did I know you were here? Something\ndrew me here. This is phenomenal.\n\nRULA\nThe nurse said she would be right back.\nThey're supposed to take me into the\ndelivery room.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, that's great. That's great. By the\nway I have to apologize for my friend\nthe other day. Friend? Uh, uh I don't\neven know that woman. I met her on the\nbus on the way over. I couldn't get\nrid of her. Uh, My psychic instincts\nwere a little off ..\n\nRULA\nOh, where's the nurse\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know where the nurse is. Sweetheart\nwhy don't you get a nurse for mommy?\n... Anyway I was just curious. Remember\nthe other day you were saying something\nabout my trip.\n\nRULA\nDon't take that trip.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, why? Why?\n\nRULA\n(screams) EEEY, beegit, beegit beegit.\n\n(Doctor enters)\n\nDX\nAll right, Rula, it's time to go.\n\nGEORGE\nBecause? Because?\n\n(Elaine enters Martins room)\n\nELAINE\nAssassins! How dare they keep a person\nwaiting like this! ... Drake's Coffee\nCake? ... Give me that.\n\nNEWMAN\nJerry, you better stop her or I'll tell.\n\nJERRY\nElaine! No! No!\n\nMARTIN\nOoooh, ahhhh,\n\n(In hallway as they wheel Rula to give birth)\n\nGEORGE\nAre there terrorists on the plane? A\nhotel fire. Is that it? Malaria? Yellow\nfever? Lupus? Is it Lupus?\n\n(Martin's room \u2013 Martin grabbing Jerry \u2013 Elaine eating the Drake's\nCoffee Cake)\n\nNEWMAN\nHe did it right in this bed, Martin.\nRight in front of you.\n\nKRAMER\nI want my vacuum cleaner!\n\nJERRY\nHey!\n\nNEWMAN\nIt was disgusting.\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you doing? We're going out\nto dinner in ten minutes.\n\nGEORGE\nI never assisted in a birth before.\nIt's really quite disgusting.\n\nJERRY\nWhat did she name the kid?\n\nGEORGE\nYou wouldn't believe it. Rasputin.\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nHeey!\n\nGEORGE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nGEORGE\nwhen did you get back?\n\nKRAMER\nA couple of hours ago.\n\nGEORGE\nSo how was it?\n\nKRAMER\nGeorge, I would like to thank you for\nthe greatest four days I ever spent\nin my life.\n\nJERRY\nosh.\n\nKRAMER\nThey were shooting the Sports Illustrated\nswim suit issue right in the hotel pool.\n\nJERRY\nWoah. (hitting George)\n\nKRAMER\nNot only that but at the hotel they\nopened up this area on the beach for\nnude bathing and all of the Sports Illustrated\nmodels went down there.\n\nJERRY\nWow! (hitting George)\n\nKRAMER\nI was on the next blanket from Elle\nMcPherson\n\nJERRY\nOh! (hitting George)\n\nKRAMER\nWe played Backgammon in the nude.\n\nJERRY\nOh! (hitting George)\n\nKRAMER\nShe's a sweet kid.\n\nJERRY\nNude backgammon with swimsuit models!\n\nKRAMER\nOh, you know what? The second day I\nwas there I stepped on a jellyfish.\nNow it kind of stung my foot. That's\nprobably what Rula was trying to warn\nyou about.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, you gotta' watch for the jellyfish.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat's this?\n\nJERRY\nOh, it's an invitation to a house warming\nfrom Martin and Gina.\n\nKRAMER\nThey moved in together?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, it's some place down in the village.\n\nKRAMER\nPhew.\n\n(buzzer)\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nIt's Elaine.\n\nJERRY\nAll right we're coming down.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, where ya' going?\n\nJERRY\nWe're taking Elaine to dinner. She's\ngot to start the fast again. Um, you\nwant to go?\n\nKRAMER\nUm, I'd like to but a bunch of us from\nthe islands, we'll be getting together.\n\nGEORGE\nElle McPherson going to be there?\n\nKRAMER\nOH! I got to call her back.\n\n(Kramer exits)\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Fix-Up.html",
    "text": "THE FIX-UP\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry Charles & Elaine Pope\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nI tell ya, I never really understood the importance of the conductor.\nI mean\n\nbetween you and me, what the hell is this guy doing? Do you really\nneed\n\nsomebody waving a stick in your face to play the violin? Does\nthat really help\n\nyou out? I could see how we need him at the beginning. Okay,\ntap-tap-tap,\n\nstart. Okay, I can see how you need that. But once we're going,\nokay, once\n\nit's all happening, what do we need him for then? I don't see\nthe cellist\n\nlooking up, go, \"I'm confused. I don't know what to do. I don't\nknow what to\n\ndo.\" And the conductor goes, \"Do this. Like this\" \"Oh, okay,\nthank you very\n\nmuch.\"\n\nJerry and George are seated at a table in a restaurant.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy even try anymore? There's no sense\nto it. I'm never gonna meet\n\nanybody, I should just accept it.\n\nJERRY\nOh, yes you will.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I won't.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, maybe you won't.\n\nGEORGE\nI mean it's hard enough to meet a woman\nyou dislike, much less like.\n\nJERRY\nAre my nostrils getting bigger?\n\nGEORGE\nNo. Why must it be so difficult? Why\nis there all this tension and\n\nhostility? Why can't I just walk up to a woman on the street\nand say, \"Hi. I'm\n\nGeorge. How are you?\" Is that so terrible?\n\nJust then a beautiful woman walks past their table, George offers\nup a meek 'Hi'\n\nwhich the woman ignores as she passed. George then says 'Hi'\na few more times\n\nas he reaches for and drinks from his water glass, as though\nwe was saying that\n\nanyway and it had nothing to do with the woman. (Funnier to watch\nthan read.)\n\nElaine and a friend, Cynthia, are seated at a table in another\nrestaurant.\n\nCYNTHIA\nThere's just no men out there, you know?\n\nELAINE\nI know.\n\nCYNTHIA\nI mean the problem is that the good\nones know they're good. And they\n\nknow they're in such demand they're just not interested in confining\nthemselves\n\nto one person.\n\nELAINE\nI hate the good ones.\n\nCYNTHIA\nIs Jerry one of the good ones?\n\nELAINE\nThat's a good question, I think he thinks\nhe is.\n\nCYNTHIA\nWell, the mediocre ones are available,\nbut they're so insecure about\n\nnot being one of the good ones that they're always going, \"Well\nI'm not good\n\nenough for you, what are you doing with me?\" and eventually I\njust go, \"You're\n\nright.\"\n\nELAINE\nYou know, maybe you need somebody between\ngood and mediocre.\n\nCYNTHIA\nNo, maybe I need somebody who has nothing,\nsomebody who just has to\n\nappreciate being with me because he's so desperate.\n\nCut back to George and Jerry, George is eating sloppily.\n\nGEORGE\nI mean it's gotten to the point where\nI'm flirting with operators on\n\nthe phone. I almost made a date with one.\n\nJERRY\nOh, so there's still hope.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't want hope. Hope is killing me.\nMy dream is to become\n\nhopeless. When you're hopeless, you don't care, and when you\ndon't care, that\n\nindifference makes you attractive.\n\nJERRY\nOh, so hopelessness is the key.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's my only hope.\n\nCut back to Elaine and Cynthia.\n\nCYNTHIA\nSee, I wouldn't really mind so much,\nbut I feel badly for my mother.\n\nI mean, if my mother weren't around, it wouldn't be so bad. But,\nI'm telling\n\nyou, if I'm not married by the time I'm forty, I'm gonna have\nto kill her\n\nbecause it's the only fair thing to do. I just couldn't put her\nthrough that.\n\nELAINE\nWell, at least you're not bitter.\n\nCYNTHIA\nWho says I'm not bitter?\n\nELAINE\nAren't you too young to be bitter?\n\nCYNTHIA\nNo, you can be young and bitter, just\nmaybe not as bitter as I'm gonna\n\nbe ten years from now, but I'm bitter. Anyway, don't tell anyone.\n\nELAINE\nDon't worry, your bitterness is safe\nwith me.\n\nCYNTHIA\nUm, order me a piece of cake. I'm gonna\ngo throw up.\n\nJerry and Elaine are reading the newspaper at Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nLook at my hands. Look. Filthy from\nthe paper. You know, they should\n\ngive you a Wet-nap when you buy one, like at those rib joints.\n\nELAINE\nSo what'd you do last night?\n\nJERRY\nWent out with George, you?\n\nELAINE\nWent out with Cynthia.\n\nJERRY\nHow was it? What'd you talk about?\n\nELAINE\nWell, you know, the usual; The Federal\nReserve, the rainforest.\n\nCynthia thought we should nuke the rainforest, you know, get\nrid of it in one\n\nfell swoop so we can at least eliminate it as a subject of conversation.\nWhat\n\nabout you?\n\nJERRY\nWe brushed on that. Actually, George\nwas in rare form. He just can't\n\nfind anybody.\n\nELAINE\nI know, Cynthia too. She's really given\nup.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge too.\n\nThey look at each other for a moment.\n\nJERRY AND ELAINE\nYeah, right.\n\nJERRY\nI've never fixed anybody up.\n\nELAINE\nUh, me neither and I am not about to\nstart with George.\n\nJERRY\nWell why wouldn't you start with George?\nYou think she's too good for\n\nGeorge?\n\nELAINE\nI didn't say 'too good', did I say 'too\ngood'?\n\nJERRY\nWell you implied it.\n\nELAINE\nI didn't say it.\n\nJERRY\nBecause if you think she's too good\nfor George, you are dead wrong.\n\nDead wrong. Who is she?\n\nELAINE\nWho is he?\n\nJERRY\nHe's George!\n\nELAINE\nShe's Cynthia!\n\nJERRY\nSo what?\n\nELAINE\nWhat, you don't think she's beautiful?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, what's with the eyebrows?\n\nELAINE\nYou know what your problem is? Your\nstandards are too high.\n\nJERRY\nI went out with you.\n\nELAINE\nThat's because my standards are too\nlow. And by the way, you know,\n\nwomen kill for eyebrows like that. Do you know that? I mean women\npluck their\n\nreal eyebrows out of their head, one by one, until they're bald,\nJerry. Bald\n\nabove the eyes! And then they paint in these eyebrows to look\nlike that.\n\nJERRY\nWell let me tell you something about\nGeorge. He is fast. He can run\n\nlike the wind. And he's strong. I've seen him lift a hundred\npounds over his\n\nhead without even knowing it. And you wouldn't know it to look\nat him, but\n\nGeorge can bait a hook.\n\nELAINE\nHe can really do that?\n\nJERRY\nCome on, let's do it, I think they'll\nreally get along.\n\nELAINE\nWhat, are you into this?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, come on, it's a good match.\n\nELAINE\nNo, wait a minute, wait a minute. They're\ngonna be telling us how\n\ntheir dates went. Are we gonna share that information?\n\nJERRY\nNaturally.\n\nELAINE\nWell, wait a minute, we're gonna tell\neach other everything, I mean\n\nevery secret?\n\nJERRY\nEverything.\n\nELAINE\nWhat if it worked out?\n\nJERRY\nYeah right.\n\nJerry and George are in Jerry's apartment.\n\nGEORGE\nOut of the question. Out of the question!\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nGEORGE\nNo! I'm not gonna do that! That's one\nstep away from personal ads!\n\nAnd prostitutes! No! No, I am not going down that road! What\ndoes she look\n\nlike?\n\nJERRY\nShe's good looking.\n\nGEORGE\nHow good looking?\n\nJERRY\nVery good looking.\n\nGEORGE\nReally good looking?\n\nJERRY\nReally very good looking.\n\nGEORGE\nWould you take her out?\n\nJERRY\nYes, I would take her out.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, you hesitated.\n\nJERRY\nWhat hesitate? I didn't hesitate!\n\nGEORGE\nNo, something's off here, you hesitated.\n\nJERRY\nI'm telling you, she's good looking.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about the body, what kind of body?\n\nJERRY\nGood body, nice body.\n\nGEORGE\nHow nice?\n\nJERRY\nNice.\n\nGEORGE\nJust nice?\n\nJERRY\nPretty nice.\n\nGEORGE\nReally good?\n\nJERRY\nReally very nice and good.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about personality?\n\nJERRY\nGood personality. Funny. Bright.\n\nGEORGE\nSmarter than me? I don't want anyone\nsmarter than me.\n\nJERRY\nHow could she be smarter than you?\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, let's see, let's see. What\nelse. What else. Oh yeah, what\n\ndoes she do?\n\nElaine and Cynthia are having a similar discussion.\n\nCYNTHIA\nFirst of all, what does he do?\n\nELAINE\nHe was in real estate, um, now, he's\nnot working right now-\n\nCYNTHIA\nHe's not working?! How come he's not\nworking?\n\nELAINE\nWell, um, he, he got fired.\n\nCYNTHIA\nWhy did he get fired?\n\nELAINE\nUh. Why? Oh, right. Um, well, he tried\nto poison his boss.\n\nCYNTHIA\nExcuse me?\n\nELAINE\nSuch a long story, Cynthia, seriously,\nI mean he just had some problems\n\nat work.\n\nCYNTHIA\nIs he nuts?\n\nELAINE\nNo, no, no, he's a really really funny\nguy.\n\nCYNTHIA\nWhat does he look like?\n\nELAINE\nPardon?\n\nCYNTHIA\nWhat does he look like?\n\nELAINE\nUm, well, he's got a lot of character\nin his face. Um, he's short.\n\nUm, he's stocky.\n\nCYNTHIA\nFat. Is that what you're saying, that\nhe's fat?\n\nELAINE\nPowerful. He is so powerful, he can\nlift a hundred pounds right up\n\nover his head. And um, what else. What else. Oh, right. Um, well,\nhe's kind\n\nof, just kind of losing his hair.\n\nCYNTHIA\nHe's bald?\n\nELAINE\nNo! No, no, no, he's not bald. He's\nbalding.\n\nCYNTHIA\nSo he will be bald.\n\nELAINE\nYup.\n\nCut back to Jerry and George.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat kind of hair?\n\nJERRY\nYou know, long dark hair.\n\nGEORGE\nFlowing?\n\nJERRY\nFlowing?\n\nGEORGE\nIs it flowing? I like flowing, cascading\nhair. Thick lustrous hair is\n\nvery important to me.\n\nJERRY\n'Thick lustrous hair is very important\nto me,' is that what you said?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, that's right.\n\nJERRY\nJust clarifying.\n\nGEORGE\nLet me ask you this. If you stick your\nhand in the hair is it easy to\n\nget it out?\n\nJERRY\nDo you want to be able to get it out\nor do you want to not be able to\n\nget it out?\n\nGEORGE\nI'd like to be able to get it out.\n\nJERRY\nI think you'll get it out.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about the skin? I need a good cheek,\nI like a good cheek.\n\nJERRY\nShe's got a fine cheek.\n\nGEORGE\nIs there a pinkish hue?\n\nJERRY\nA pinkish hue?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, a rosy glow.\n\nJERRY\nThere's a hue. She's got great eyebrows,\nwomen kill to have her\n\neyebrows.\n\nGEORGE\nWho cares about eyebrows? Is she sweet?\nI like sweet. But not too\n\nsweet, you could throw up from that.\n\nJERRY\nI don't think you'll throw up. *She*\nlikes to throw up.\n\nCut back to Elaine and Cynthia.\n\nCYNTHIA\nHas he ever been married?\n\nELAINE\nNo.\n\nCYNTHIA\nHas he been close?\n\nELAINE\nHe once spent a weekend with a woman.\n\nCYNTHIA\nHe didn't really try to poison his boss?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, he did.\n\nThe next day, George is back at Jerry's.\n\nGEORGE\nWe had an incredible phone conversation.\nWe talked for like twenty\n\nminutes. I threw away my notes in the middle of the call. You\nknow, I thought\n\nshe had a great voice timbre. Is it timbre or tamber?\n\nJERRY\nI think it's tamber.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy'd I think it was timbre? Yeah, she\ncould do voiceover commercials,\n\nwhy didn't you tell me about her voice?\n\nJERRY\nI didn't notice the voice.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's mellifluous!\n\nJERRY\nSo, Saturday night.\n\nGEORGE\nShe had to be impressed by that conversation,\nhad to! It was a great\n\nperformance. I am unbelievable on the phone. On the date they\nshould just have\n\ntwo phones on the table at the restaurant, done.\n\nElaine enters.\n\nELAINE\nHi.\n\nGEORGE\nHey! Saturday night!\n\nELAINE\nI know!\n\nGEORGE\nSo, what did she say?\n\nELAINE\nShe said you're getting together Saturday\nnight!\n\nGEORGE\nThat's it?\n\nELAINE\nYeah!\n\nGEORGE\nShe didn't mention anything about the\nconversation?\n\nELAINE\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nNow, you see, I don't get that. We had\na relaxed stimulating, great\n\nconversation, she doesn't mention it? Why doesn't she mention\nit?\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nShe could have mentioned the conversation.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, alright, I'll go on the date,\nbut that's that.\n\nKramer enters.\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know my friend, Bob Sacamano?\n\nJERRY\nOh, the guy from Jersey?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. He just got a job at a condom\nfactory in Edison. Look at this,\n\nhe gave me a gross.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you gonna do with all of them?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, well... Come on, take some, Jerry.\nGrab 'em.\n\nJERRY\nNo thanks, they look like they came\nout of a cereal box.\n\nKRAMER\nCome on, Elaine, here, take half a bag.\n\nELAINE\nHalf a bag? What am I, a hooker? Anyway,\nthey look kind of cheap.\n\nGEORGE\nI'll take one. It's possible.\n\nMid-episode monologue.\n\nThe problem with the condom is still buying them. I think we\nshould have like a\n\nsecret signal with the druggist that you just walk into the drugstore,\nyou go up\n\nto the counter, he looks at you and if you go like this (nods)\nhe puts them in\n\nthe bag for you, that's it. You show up there, you put your little\nshaving\n\ncream, your little toothpaste, you know, \"How are you today?\"\n(nods) \"Have a\n\nnice day.\" \"You too.\"\n\nElaine and Jerry are on the phone, waiting for George and Cynthia's\ndate to end.\n\nJERRY\nSo where are they already, it's a quarter\nto twelve, they should be back\n\nby now, what did they do?\n\nELAINE\nI think they went out to dinner.\n\nJERRY\nWait, I got another call. That must\nbe him. (clicks over) Hello?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, it's me, I just got home.\n\nJERRY\nOh, hold on. (clicks back) It's George,\nhe just got home.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, yeah, I got Cynthia on the other\nline.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, I'll call you back as soon\nas I'm done.\n\nELAINE\nRemember our pact. Full disclosure.\n\nJERRY\nOf course. (clicks back to George) Yeah,\ngo ahead.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright look, I'm gonna tell you, but\nI made a pact with Cynthia, we\n\nswore we were not going to tell you and Elaine.\n\nJERRY\nYou can tell me, I'll vault it.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's in the vault?\n\nJERRY\nI'm locking the vault. What?\n\nGEORGE\nWe had sex.\n\nJERRY\nOh my god, you had sex, how did that\nhappen?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know. I closed my eyes and made\na move.\n\nJERRY\nAt your apartment?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nShe didn't stay over?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, she left. Listen, you can't mention\nany of this to Elaine.\n\nCynthia will kill me, we made a deal.\n\nCut to Elaine on the phone with Cynthia.\n\nELAINE\nOh my god.\n\nCYNTHIA\nHe was uncomfortable because it was\nour first time so he felt he would\n\nperform better if we did it in the kitchen. He said the kitchen\nis always the\n\nmost sociable room in the house. And he was serious.\n\nELAINE\nSo? How was it?\n\nCYNTHIA\nHow good could it be? My head was on\na hot plate.\n\nELAINE\nWait, I got another call, that must\nbe Jerry.\n\nCYNTHIA\nOh wait, don't you tell him any of this.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, ok. (clicks over) Hello?\n\nJERRY\nSo, what did she have to say?\n\nELAINE\nWhat did he have to say?\n\nJERRY\nHe said they had a good time.\n\nELAINE\nHer too.\n\nJERRY\nOh, good.\n\nELAINE\nAnything else?\n\nJERRY\nNope. You?\n\nELAINE\nNope.\n\nJERRY\nYou sure?\n\nELAINE\nYup. You?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nAlright. Well uh, guess everything is\nunder control.\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Okay then.\n\nELAINE\nAlright. Goodnight.\n\nJERRY\nGoodnight.\n\nJerry and George are at Jerry's apartment.\n\nGEORGE\nI left three messages. I can't believe\nthis woman. She has sex with\n\nme, leaves ten minutes later then I never hear from her again.\nWhat kind of a\n\nperson does this? I mean, she used me. I feel cheap and violated.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I'm gonna do something about this.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you gonna do?\n\nJERRY\nNevermind. Disgraceful. Leaves you sitting\nthere on the kitchen floor\n\nlike some kind of roach trap. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Sir,\nwhatever.\n\nShe's not going to get away with this.\n\nGEORGE\nI keep wracking my brain to try and\nfigure out what I did. I was\n\nsmart, I was funny, I made great small talk with the waitress\nso she could see I\n\ncould relate to the commoners, you know, I'm a man of the people.\n\nJERRY\nI'm gonna call her.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, don't call her.\n\nJERRY\nNo, I'm calling her.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, Jerry, don't call.\n\nJERRY\nNo, forget it, I'm gonna call.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't want you to call.\n\nJERRY\nGet away from me, I'm gonna call her.\n\nGEORGE\nGive me the phone!\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, do you wanna fight? Do you wanna\nfight?\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, I'm gonna kill you!\n\nKramer enters and gets between them to break up the fight.\n\nKRAMER\nHey hey hey!! Come on! Jerry, George,\nnow stop it!\n\nJERRY\nI'll just call her when you leave!\n\nGEORGE\nYou can't do that, it's none of your\nbusiness!\n\nJERRY\nIt is so my business!\n\nKRAMER\nHey hey hey! I don't want to hear another\nword out of either one of\n\nyou!\n\nGEORGE\nBut tell him to give me the--\n\nKRAMER\nAy ay ay! The next one of you that opens\nup your mouth, says\n\nsomething, you're gonna have to deal with me. You know, I bet\nI know what this\n\nis about. It's about a woman, isn't it?\n\nGEORGE\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, but--\n\nKRAMER\nYeah yeah! You see, this is exactly\nwhat they want to do to you. They\n\nplay one against the other. You can't let them manipulate you\nlike that.\n\nJERRY\nBut Kramer--\n\nKRAMER\nNoh noh noh! I want you guys to shake\nhands. Come on, there are\n\nplenty of women out there for all of us, let's go.\n\nJerry and George shake hands.\n\nKRAMER\nYes. You see? Isn't that better than\nfighting? Animosity? I mean,\n\nyou wanna fight with somebody, you fight with me. Oh, by the\nway George, you\n\nknow those condoms I gave you? They're defective, don't use them.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nRight.\n\nGEORGE\nDefective?!\n\nKRAMER\nDefective.\n\nGEORGE\nHow could you give me a defective condom?!\n\nKRAMER\nI didn't even know they were defective.\n\nJerry gets between them to break up the fight.\n\nKRAMER\nDidn't even thin you were gonna use\nthem.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat do you mean you didn't think I\nwasn't gonna use them?!\n\nJERRY\nTake it easy, you guys, just spread\nout! Don't worry about it, if\n\nanything was wrong she would have called you already!\n\nElaine answers her door, it's Cynthia.\n\nCYNTHIA\nI missed my period.\n\nELAINE\nOh my god.\n\nCYNTHIA\nI am very worried, I am never late.\n\nELAINE\nBut he used a condom, right?\n\nCYNTHIA\nI know, but these things aren't always\nfoolproof.\n\nELAINE\nOh no.\n\nCYNTHIA\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nWas it blue?\n\nCYNTHIA\nYeah. How'd you know?\n\nELAINE\nJust a hunch.\n\nJerry is in his apartment trying to open a bottle of soda.\n\nJERRY\nOw! Ow! Twist off! Twist off! Twist\noff!\n\nElaine walks in and give him a funny look.\n\nJERRY\nOh, hi. Soda?\n\nELAINE\nNo thanks.\n\nJERRY\nSo tell me. What's the problem with\nyour little flaky friend? She\n\ndoesn't return calls?\n\nELAINE\nWho are you to talk about her like that?\nShe'll call him when she's\n\ngood and ready. You don't even know her.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I know her. I know her type.\n\nELAINE\nHer type? What type?\n\nJERRY\nThe type that doesn't return phone calls.\nI knew we shouldn't have done\n\nthis, it was a bad idea in the first place, I told you!\n\nELAINE\nYou told me? You pushed this whole thing\non me, it was your idea!\n\nJERRY\nI was just trying to help your bitter,\ntwisted friend.\n\nELAINE\nShe's not bitter!\n\nJERRY\nWell, bitter's a judgement call, but\nshe's twisted!\n\nELAINE\nTwisted? God, I did you a favor.\n\nJERRY\nI thought you said they had a good time,\nis there anything else you're\n\nkeeping from me?\n\nELAINE\nAre you calling me a liar?\n\nJERRY\nI'm calling you one if you are one,\nare you a liar?\n\nELAINE\nAre you?\n\nJERRY\nGet your finger out of my face.\n\nELAINE\nYou get yours out, I was here first!\n\nJERRY\nI don't care.\n\nELAINE\nGet it out!\n\nKramer walks in just as this argument begins to turn into a slap\nfight, and gets\n\nin the middle.\n\nKRAMER\nHey hey, alright, hey hey, stop it!\nCome on, break it up! What's the\n\nmatter with you? Now don't you two see that you're in love with\neach other? I\n\nmean, why can't you face that already? You're running around\nout there looking\n\nfor something that's not even there, when everything that you\ndream of is right\n\nhere, right here in front of you. Now why can't you admit that?\nBy the way,\n\nwhen you see George give him these, these'll work.\n\nELAINE\nI knew those condoms were defective!\n\nJERRY\nHow did you know they were defective?!\n\nGeorge walks in.\n\nELAINE\nBecause! Because she missed her period!\n\nGEORGE\nShe missed her period? Oh my god. I\ncan't believe it! I'm a father!\n\nI did it! My boys can swim! I can do it! I can do it!\n\nGeorge rushes out, hysterical.\n\nElaine and Cynthia are at a restaurant.\n\nCYNTHIA\nSo he shows up. He's all out of breath.\nHe's disheveled. And he\n\ntells me that no matter what happens, whatever I decide is fine\nwith him and\n\nthat I could depend on him, and that he would be there to support\nme in whatever\n\nway I need. Elaine, I was speechless.\n\nELAINE\nWow. Wow. You see? You think you know\nsomebody.\n\nCYNTHIA\nI said to him, \"I really appreciate\nthis, but I just got my period.\"\n\nAnd so, I asked him to come in, he came in--\n\nGeorge and Jerry walk up, Jerry is limping.\n\nELAINE\nHi!\n\nGEORGE\nSorry, we're a little late. We got so\nhung up in traffic.\n\nELAINE\nWhat happened?\n\nJERRY\nActing.\n\nELAINE\nVery mature.\n\nJERRY\nThank you. Hi Cynthia.\n\nCYNTHIA\nHi.\n\nJERRY\nWell this is a great place to sit you\ngot here.\n\nCYNTHIA\nBest seat in the house. (Looking at\nGeorge) right next to the\n\nkitchen.\n\nGEORGE\nStop it, stop it.\n\nJERRY\nSo what are these?\n\nELAINE\nOh, we ordered some appetizers. Start\neating.\n\nGeorge stars eating like a slob, Cynthia looks at him funny.\nYou get the idea\n\nthat the relationship has just ended.\n\nGEORGE\nThis is good. Oh, this is good.\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nHave you ever fixed anybody up? Why do we do it? Why? You thought\nthey would\n\nhave a good time. And a little power trip for you, isn't it?\nNow, you're\n\nplaying god. Of course god was the first person to fix people\nup. He fixed up\n\nAdam and Eve. You know, I'm sure he said to Adam, \"She's nice.\nShe's very free\n\nabout her body, doesn't really wear that much. She was going\nout with a snake, I think that's over though.\"\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Boyfriend-Part-1.html",
    "text": "THE BOYFRIEND PT 1\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David & Larry Levin\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nTo me, going to the health club, you see all these people and\nthey're\n\nworking out, and they're training and they're getting in shape\nbut the\n\nstrange thing is nobody is really getting in shape for anything.\nThe only\n\nreason that you're getting in shape is that so you can get through\nthe\n\nworkout. So we're working out, so that we'll be in shape, for\nwhen we have\n\nto do our exercise. This is the whole thing. The other thing\nI don't get\n\nabout it, is why we're so careful about locking up our dirty\ntowels and\n\nsmelly jock-straps. What exactly is the black market on these\ndisgusting gym\n\nclothes? I give my car to any valet guy in front of a restaraunt\nbecause he\n\nhas a short red jacket, yeah he must be the valet guy, I don't\neven think\n\nabout it but my stinking, putrified gym clothes, I got one of\nthese locks\n\nyou could put a bullet through it and it won't open. That stuff\nis safe.\n\n(Gym Locker Room)\n\nKRAMER\nWide open, I was wide open underneath!\nI had three inches on that\n\nguy. You two were hogging the ball.\n\nGEORGE\nMe? It wasn't me I never even saw the\nball. All you do is dribble.\n\nJERRY\nI have to dribble, if I give it to you,\nyou just shoot. You're a\n\nchucker.\n\nGEORGE\nOh I'm a chucker.\n\nJERRY\nThat's right, everytime you get the\nball you shoot.\n\nGEORGE\nI can't believe you called me a chucker.\nNo way I'm a chucker, I do\n\nnot chuck, never chucked, never have chucked, never will chuck,\nno chuck!\n\nJERRY\nYou chuck.\n\nGEROGE\nKramer am I a chucker?\n\nKRAMER\nYou're a chucker.\n\nGEORGE\nAll these years I've been chuckin' and\nyou've never told me?\n\nJERRY\nWell it's not an easy thing to bring\nup.\n\nKRAMER\nHey you know this is the first time\nwe've ever seen each other naked.\n\nJERRY\nBelieve me I didn't see anything.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, you didn't sneak a peak?\n\nJERRY\nNo, did you?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I snuck a peak.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nKRAMER\nWhy not? hey what about you George?\n\nGEORGE\nyeah, I ... I snuck a peak. ... But\nit was so fast I didn't see\n\nanything. It was just a blur.\n\nJERRY\nI made a conscious effort not to look.\nThere's certain information I just\n\ndon't want to have.\n\nKRAMER\nUh, I gotta go meet Newman. All right.\nI'll see you later.\n\nJERRY\nAll right\n\nKRAMER\nHave a good one.\n\nJERRY\nAll right\n\nGEORGE\nSee ya.\n\n(Kramer exits)\n\nGEORGE\nlook at this guy. Does he have to stretch\nin here?\n\nJERRY\nYou know who that is? That's\n\nGEORGE\nKeith Hernandez? The baseball player?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, that's him.\n\nGEORGE\nAre you sure?\n\nJERRY\nPositive.\n\nGEORGE\nWow, Keith Hernandez. He's such a great\nplayer.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, he's a real smart guy too. He's\na Civil War buff.\n\nGEORGE\nI'd love to be a Civil War buff. ...\nWhat do you have to do to be a buff\n\nJERRY\nSo Biff wants to be a buff? ... Well\nsleeping less than 18 hours a day\n\nwould be a start.\n\nGEORGE\nho ho ho ho. You know I only got two\nweeks left of unemployment. I got\n\nto prove I've been looking for a job to get an extension\n\nJERRY\nHey, should we say something to him?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, yeah I'm sure he loves to hear from\nfans in the locker room.\n\nJERRY\nwell he could say hello to me. I wouldn't\nmind.\n\nGEORGE\nHe's Keith Hernandez. You're Jerry Seinfeld.\n\nJERRY\nSo?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you comparing yourself to Keith\nHernandez. The guys a baseball\n\nplayer Jerry, Baseball!\n\nJERRY\nI know what he is. I recognized him.\nYou didn't even notice him.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, ... you are making some wisecracks\nin a night club... wo wo wo.\n\nThe guy was in game SIX two runs down two outs facing elimination.\n\nKEITH\nExcuse me. I don't want to disturb you,\nI'm Keith Hernandez and I just\n\nwant to tell you what a big fan I am. I love your comedy.\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\nKEITH\nI've always wanted to do what you do.\n\nJERRY\nWhat I do? You are one of my favorite\nball players of all time\n\nGEORGE\nMine too.\n\nKEITH\nI love that bit about Jimmy Olson\n\nJERRY\nThank you.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know Keith, what I've always wondered,\nwith all these ball clubs\n\nflying around all season don't you think there would be a plane\ncrash? ...\n\nKEITH\n(to Jerry) Do you perform anywhere in\nnew York right now?\n\nJERRY\nI'm performing in this club on the east\nSide. You should come in.\n\nGEORGE\nBut if you think about it...26 teams,\n162 games a season, you'd think\n\neventually an entire team would get wiped out.\n\nKEITH\nYou know, I live on the East Side.\n\nJERRY\nI'll tell you what, I'll give you my\nnumber and uh, just give me a call,\n\ntell me whenever you want to go.\n\nKEITH\nor maybe just to get together for a\ncup of coffee\n\nJERRY\nOh. that would be great.\n\nGEORGE\nUh, it's only a matter of time.\n\nKEITH\nWho's this chucker?\n\n---\n\n(Monks)\n\nJERRY\nIt's been three days and he hasn't called.\n\nELAINE\nWell maybe you should call him.\n\nJERRY\nI can't ... I can't\n\nELAINE\nWhy not?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know. I just feel he should\ncall me.\n\nELAINE\nWhat's the difference?\n\nJERRY\nYou don't understand, Elaine. I don't\nwant to be overanxious. If he wants\n\nto see me he has my number, he should call.\n\nELAINE\nYech, look at this ashtray. I hate cigarettes.\n\nJERRY\nI can't stand these guys. You give your\nnumber to them and then they\n\ndon't call. Why do they do that?\n\nELAINE\nI'm sorry honey.\n\nJERRY\nI mean, I thought he liked me. I really\nthought he liked me. we were\n\ngetting along. He came over to me I didn't go over to him.\n\nELAINE\nNo,\n\nJERRY\nWhy did he come over to me if he didn't\nwant to see me?\n\nELAINE\nI know.\n\nJERRY\nWhat did he come over to me if he didn't\nwant to see me? I mean here I\n\nmeet this guy this great guy, a baseball player, best guy I ever\nmet in my life.\n\n.. Well that's it. I'm never giving my number out to another\nguy again.\n\nELAINE\nSometimes I've given my number out to\nguys and it takes them a month to\n\ncall.\n\nJERRY\nHu, good, good,... well if he's calling\nin a month he's got a prayer!\n\nELAINE\nYou know maybe he's been busy. Maybe\nhe's been out of town?\n\nJERRY\nOh, they don't have phones out of town?\nWhy do(?) people say they're\n\ntoo busy. Too busy. Pick up a phone!! It takes two minutes. How\ncan you be\n\ntoo busy?\n\nELAINE\nWhy don't you just go ahead and call\nhim?\n\nJERRY\nI can't call here, it's a coffee shop.\nI mean what am I going to say to\n\nhim?\n\nELAINE\nJust ask him if he wants a to get together.\n\nJERRY\nFor what dinner?\n\nELAINE\nDinner's good.\n\nJERRY\nDon't you think that's coming on a little\ntoo strong? .. Isn't that like\n\na turn off?\n\nELAINE\nJerry, He's A GUY!\n\nJERRY\n... this is all .. very confusing.\n\nSTAND UP\n\n=========\n\nWhen you're in your thirties it's very hard to make a new friend.\nWhatever the\n\ngroup is that you've got now that's who you're going with. you're\nnot\n\ninterviewing, you're not looking at any new people, you're not\ninterested in\n\nseeing any applications. They don't know the places. They don't\nknow the food.\n\nThey don't know the activities, If I meet a guy in a club on\nthe gym or\n\nsomeplace I'm sure you're a very nice person you seem to have\na lot of\n\npotential, but we're just not hiring right now. Of course when\nyou're a kid,\n\nyou can be friends with anybody. Remember when you were a little\nkid what were\n\nthe qualifications? If someone's in front of my house NOW, That's\nmy friend,\n\nthey're my friend. That's it. Are you a grown up.? No. Great!\nCome on in. Jump\n\nup and down on my bed. And if you have anything in common at\nall, You like\n\nCherry Soda? I like Cherry Soda! We'll be best friends!\n\n(New York State Department of Labor)\n\nMRS. SOKOL\nYou know you only have two more weeks\nbefore your benefits run out.\n\nGEORGE\nYes and I was hoping ... to get a thirteen\nweek extension.\n\nMRS. SOKOL\nSo where have you been looking for work?\n\nGEORGE\nWell you know what I've discovered Mrs.\nSokol. It's not so much the\n\nlooking as the listening. I listen for work. And as I'm looking\nand listening I\n\nam also looking. You can't discount looking. It's sort of a combination.\nIt's\n\nlooking, and listening, listening and looking. But you must look.\n\nMRS. SOKOL\nCan you be specific about any of these\ncompanies?\n\nGEORGE\nSpecific, Ah, lets see. I've walked\nin and out of so many buildings\n\nthey all .. blend in together, I uh, ..\n\nMRS. SOKOL\nWell just give me one name.\n\nGEORGE\nAbsolutely, uh, lets see there's, uh,\nVandaley Industries, I just saw\n\nthem. I got very close there. very close.\n\nMRS. SOKOL\nAnd what type of company is that?\n\nGEORGE\nLatex, latex manufacturing\n\nMRS. SOKOL\nAnd you interviewed there?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, for a sales position. Latex salesman,\nthe selling of latex, and\n\nlatex related products. They just wouldn't give me a chance.\n\nMRS. SOKOL\nI'm going to need an address and a phone\nnumber for this uh,\n\nVandaley company...\n\nGOERGE\nYou like gum? 'Cause I have a friend\nin the gum business. I got a\n\ngum guy. I make one phone call. I got boxes of delivered right\nto your door.\n\nMRS. SOKOL\nThe address!\n\nGEORGE\nYYYDDSSHE(?) ... Jose Jimenez. You recognize\nit?\n\nMRS. SOKOL\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nJose Jimenez, ... verrry funny. ..very\nfunny.\n\nMRS. SOKOL\nThe ADDRESS!\n\nGEORGE\nuh, Uh, Vandaley Industries, is uh.\n129 West 81st street. It's a very\n\nsmall industry Vandaley. It's one of the reasons I wanted to\nuh, work for them.\n\nMRS. SOKOL\nThe PHONE number.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's uh, KL5-8383. Are you calling\nthem soon because, they keep very\n\nstrange hours.\n\nMRS. SOKOL\nAs soon as I'm done wit you!\n\nGEORGE\nSure, well uh, you know I'll check in\nwith you next week uh, I gotta run\n\nnow because I got a full plate this afternoon. All right, really\ngo to\n\nuh,.\n\n(George runs down hall)\n\n(Street phone booth- George pulls kid out of booth)\n\nGEORGE\n(Frantically, takes phone and screams...)\nHe'll call you back.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nKRAMER\n(loungingly talking on phone) It's a\npar five. So you know I step up to\n\nthe tee and I hit a beautiful drive right down the middle of\nthe fairway.\n\nI mean you know my hook, right?\n\nJERRY\nElaine, how about this shirt? Is this\nokay?\n\nELAINE\nJerry, ... He's a GUY!\n\nKRAMER\nwell it's a dog leg left, so I play\nthe hook right? .. hold on there's\n\nanother call.\n\n(Phone Booth)\n\nGEORGE\n(Frantically) Jerry, Jerry?\n\nKRAMER\nGeorge?\n\nGEORGE\nKramer put Jerry on the phone.\n\nKRAMER\n(Angrily) Yeah, look I'm in the middle\nof something. Call back.\n\nGEORGE\nKramer!! Kramer no!!\n\nKRAMER\n... so the ball takes of and I'm waiting\nfor it to turn.\n\n(Phone Booth)\n\nGEORGE\nhitting phone\n\n(Cop bangs on booth with kid beside him)\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I'll talk to Jerry. Yeah, (Hangs\nup) ... you know that was\n\nMichael and Carol. She's wondering when we're going to come over\nand see\n\nthe baby.\n\nJERRY\nOh, see the baby again with the baby..\n\nELAINE\nWho are they?\n\nJERRY\nUh, he's this guy who used to live in\nthe building and they keep calling\n\nus to see the baby.\n\nJERRY\n(imitates) Ya' gotta see the babi -\nWhen are ya' gonna see the babi...\n\nCan't they just send us a tape?\n\nELAINE\nYou know if you waited a few more months\nit won't be a baby anymore\n\nthen you wouldn't have to see it.\n\nJERRY\nuh uh because then it would be all grown\nup.\n\nELAINE\nyeah ha ha ha\n\nJERRY\nHey Kramer what do you think of this\nshirt?\n\nKRAMER\n(does a double take) It's too busy\n\nELAINE\nIt looks like you're trying too hard\nto make an impression on him.\n\nYou're not being yourself.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat guy?\n\nJERRY\nI know he's just a guy but .. I LIKE\nhim.\n\nKRAMER\nWho are you talkin about?\n\nJERRY\nUh, Keith uh Hernandez.\n\nKRAMER\nKEITH HERNANDEZ?\n\nNEWMAN\n(enters) KEITH HERNANDEZ?\n\n(In cab)\n\nGEORGE\nDo me a favor would you? Would you change\nlanes? Would you get outta\n\nthis lane. You gotta get out of this lane. This lane stinks.\nThey're\n\nall double parked here Please get outta this lane. I'm beggin\nyou please\n\nplease.\n\n(changes lanes)\n\nGEORGE\nYou know what, bad mistake my mistake\ndo me a favor go back to the other\n\nlane - you'll never get there - forget this lane - y'a kn ow\nwhat this lane\n\nstinks - go back to the other lane - bad decision - go go go\ntake this light -\n\ntake this light -\n\nCABBY\nThat's it GET OUT!!\n\nGEORGE\nGet out?\n\nCABBY\nGet out of my cab.\n\nGEORGE\nWa, I'm not getting out of this cab\n\n(Cabby gets out)\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no! You can't throw me out\n\n(Wrestling in cab)\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJERRY\nHellooo Newman.\n\nKRAMER\nI hate KEITH HERNANDEZ - hate him.\n\nNEWMAN\nI despise him.\n\nELAINE\nWhy?\n\nNEWMAN\nWhy? I'll tell you why...\n\nKRAMER\nLet me tell it ..\n\nNEWMAN\nNo, you can't tell it ..\n\nKRAMER\nYou always tell it ..\n\nNEWMAN\nAll right, tell it.\n\nKRAMER\nJa ja ja - just tell it\n\nNEWMAN\nJune 14, 1987.... Mets Phillies. We're\nenjoying a beautiful afternoon\n\nin the right field stands when a crucial Hernandez error to a\nfive run Phillies\n\nninth. Cost the Mets the game.\n\nKRAMER\nOur day was ruined. There was a lot\nof people, you know, they were\n\nwaiting by the player's parking lot. Now we're coming down the\nramp ... (cut\n\nto film of the day - like the Zabruter film - with the Umbrella\nman and\n\neverything - Oh so brilliant parody!!!) ... Newman was in front\nof me. Keith\n\nwas coming toward us, as he passes Newman turns and says, \" Nice\ngame pretty\n\nboy.\". Keith continued past us up the ramp.\n\nNEWMAN\nA second later, something happened that\nchanged us in a deep and\n\nprofound way front that day forward.\n\nELAINE\nWhat was it?\n\nKRAMER\nHe spit on us.... and I screamed out,\n\"I'm hit!\"\n\nNEWMAN\nThen I turned and the spit ricochet\nof him and it hit me.\n\nELAINE\nWow! What a story.\n\nJERRY\nUnfortunately the immutable laws of\nphysics contradict the whole premise\n\nof your account. Allow me to reconstruct this if I may for Miss\nBenes as\n\nI've heard this story a number of times.\n\nJERRY\nNewman, Kramer, if you'll indulge me.\nAccording to your story Keith\n\npasses you and starts walking up the ramp then you say you were\nstruck on\n\nthe right temple. The spit then proceeds to ricochet off the\ntemple\n\nstriking Newman between the third and forth rib. The spit then\ncam off\n\nthe rib turned and hit Newman in the right wrist causing him\nto drop his\n\nbaseball cap. The spit then splashed off the wrist, Pauses In\nmid air\n\nmind you- makes a left turn and lands on Newman's left thigh.\nThat is one\n\nmagic luggie.\n\n(THE BRILLIANCE OF THIS SCENE IS THAT IT IS AN EXACT PARODY OF\nKEVIN COSTNER'S COURTROOM SCENE IN\n\nTHE FILM JFK - AND WAYNE KNIGHT PLAYED THE SAME POSITION IN BOTH!!!)\n\nNEWMAN\nWell that's the way it happened.\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened to your head when you\ngot hit?\n\nKRAMER\nWell. uh, well my head went back and\nto the left\n\nJERRY\nAgain\n\nKRAMER\nBack and to the left\n\nJERRY\nBack and to the left Back and to the\nleft\n\nELAINE\nSo, what are you saying?\n\nJERRY\nI am saying that the spit could not\nhave come from behind ... that there\nhad to have been\n\na second spitter behind the bushes on the gravelly road. If the\nspitter was behind you as you claimed\n\nthat would have caused your head to pitch forward.\n\nELAINE\nSo the spit could have only come from\nthe front and to the right.\n\nJERRY\nBut that is not what they would have\nyou believe.\n\nNEWMAN\nI'm leavin'. Jerry's a nut. (Exits)\n\nKRAMER\nWait, wait, (Exits)\n\nJERRY\nThe sad thing is we may never know the\nreal truth.\n\n(George runs in)\n\nGEORGE\n(Frantically) Did anybody call here\nasking for Vandaley industries?\n\nJERRY\nNo. What happened to you?\n\nGEORGE\nNow, listen closely. I was at the unemployment\noffice and I told them that I was very\nclose\n\nto getting a job with Vandaley Industries and I gave them your\nphone number. So, when now when the phone\n\nrings you've got to answer \"Vanadaley Industries\".\n\nJERRY\nI'm Vanadaley Industries?\n\nGEORGE\nRight.\n\nJERRY\nAnd what is that?\n\nGEORGE\nYou're in latex\n\nJERRY\nLatex? And what do I do with latex?\n\nGEORGE\nYa manufacture it.\n\nELAINE\nHere in this little apartment?\n\nJERRY\nAnd what do I say about you?\n\nGEORGE\nYou're considering hiring me for your\nlatex salesman.\n\nJERRY\nI'm going to hire you as my latex salesman?\n\nGEORGE\nRight.\n\nJERRY\nI don't think so. Why would I do that?\n\nGEORGE\nBecause I asked you to.\n\nJERRY\nIf you think I'm looking for someone\nto just sit at a desk pushing papers\n\naround, you can forget it. I have enough headaches just trying\nto\n\nmanufacture the stuff.\n\n(Buzzer)\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\nIt's Keith.\n\nJERRY\nAll right we're coming down.\n\nGEORGE\nKEITH HERNANDEZ:?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, come on Elaine, lets go.\n\nGEORGE\nWhere are you goin?\n\nELAINE\nHe's giving me a ride You know there\nhad to have been a second spitter.\n\nBut who was it? Who had the motive?\n\nJERRY\nThat's what I've been trying to figure\nout the past five years.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat the hell are you two talking about?\n(All exit)\n\n(Keith's car)\n\nJERRY\nWell that was really fun, thanks.\n\nKEITH\nYeah, it really was.\n\nJERRY\nShould I shake his hand?\n\nJERRY\nWell, ...\n\nKEITH\nUH, do you want to catch a movie this\nweekend? Have you seen JFK?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I haven't.\n\nJERRY\nThis weekend. WOW!\n\nJERRY\nSure, that would be great.\n\nJERRY\nDamn, I was too overanxious, he must\nhave noticed that.\n\nJERRY\nI mean, ... if you want to.\n\nKEITH\nWell, how about this Friday?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, Friday's okay.\n\nJERRY\nGo ahead shake his hand. You're Jerry\nSeinfeld. You've been on\n\nthe Tonight Show.\n\nJERRY\nWell, good night (holds hand out and\nshakes hand)\n\nKEITH\nGoodnight. Oh, Jer, by the way, the\nwoman we gave a ride to earlier\n\ntonight,\n\nJERRY\nElaine?\n\nKEITH\nYeah. What's her story?\n\nJERRY\nUh, I don't know, we used to go out.\n\nKEITH\nWould you mind if I gave her a call?\n\nJERRY\nFor a date?\n\nKEITH\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nOh, no, uh, go ahead. You got a pen?\n\nKEITH\nYou sure you don't mind?\n\nJERRY\n.... (silence)\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJERRY\nSo then we went to dinner.\n\nGEORGE\nWho paid?\n\nJERRY\nWe split it.\n\nGEORGE\nSplit it. Pretty good. Talk about game\nsix?\n\nJERRY\nNaw, I gotta wait until its just the\nright time.\n\n(Buzzer)\n\nJERRY\nYeah\n\nELAINE\nIt's Elaine.\n\nJERRY\nCome on up.\n\nGEORGE\nSo then what?\n\nJERRY\nUh, nuthin'. Then he took me home.\n\nGEORGE\nShake his hand?\n\nJERRY\n(smiling) Yeah\n\nGEORGE\nWhat kind of a shake does he have?\n\nJERRY\nGood shake. Perfect shake. Single pump,\nnot too hard, you know, doesn't\n\nhave to prove anything, but, you know, firm enough to know he\nwas there.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, uh, you gonna see him again?\n\nJERRY\nHe asked me if I was doing anything\nFriday night.\n\nGEORGE\nWow! The weekend.\n\nJERRY\nSo then as I was getting out of the\ncar, ...\n\nELAINE\nHI\n\nJERRY\nHi Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nSooo, how was your date?\n\nJERRY\nWhat date? It's a GUY.\n\nELAINE\nSo you know, ... he called me.\n\nJERRY\nAlready?\n\nGEORGE\nKeith called you?\n\nELAINE\n(nods)\n\nGEORGE\nHe he This guy really gets around.\n\nELAINE\nDo you mind?\n\nJERRY\nI don't mind at all. Why should I mind?\nWhat did he say?\n\nELAINE\nHe asked me out for Saturday night.\n\nJERRY\nOh, ya' going?\n\nELAINE\nI told him I was busy.\n\nJERRY\nAh, really.\n\nELAINE\nSo, we're going out Friday.\n\n(long pause)\n\nJERRY\nFriday?\n\nELAINE\nyeah.\n\nJERRY\nHe's going' out with you on Friday?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nHe's supposed to see ME on Friday.\n\nELAINE\nOh, uh, I didn't know.\n\nJERRY\nWe made plans.\n\nELAINE\nWell, uh, I'll cancel it.\n\nJERRY\nNo, don't cancel it.\n\nELAINE\nHuh. Well this is a little awkward,\nisn't it/\n\nJERRY\nWell, frankly it is.\n\nELAINE\nI've never seen you jealous before.\n\nJERRY\nWell you're not even a fan. I was at\ngame six - you didn't even watch\n\nit.\n\nELAINE\nWait a second wait a minute, You jealous\nof him or you jealous of me?\n\n(long pause)\n\nJERRY\nAny Hennigans around here?\n\n(Phone rings)\n\nJERRY\nVandaley Industries, Kel Varnsen speaking.\nMay we help you? ... Oh Hi\n\nKeith. Na, I was just jokin' around\n\nJERRY\nNo. No. I don't mind at all.\n\nELAINE\n(whispers) No, no, no, I can cancel.\n\nJERRY\nSure, we can do something next week.\n\nELAINE\n(whispers I can cancel.\n\nJERRY\nNo, its no problem at all.\n\nELAINE\n(whispers) I,...\n\nJERRY\nOkay, take it easy. (hangs up) That\nwas Keith. we're going to do\n\nsomething next week.\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nHey\n\nJERRY\nHey what are you doing Friday night?\n\nJERRY\nFriday night? Nothin', ... now.\n\nKRAMER\nOkay, wanna come with me and see the\nbaby?\n\nJERRY\nFasten your seat belts. we're goin'\nto see the baby.\n\nKRAMER\nCome on, if you don't see the baby now\nyou're never gonna see it\n\nJERRY\nAll right, I'll go\n\nKRAMER\nAll right\n\n(Jerry exits with garbage)\n\n(Kramer sits beside Elaine - awkward moment)\n\n(phone rings)\n\nKRAMER\nYallo. What delay industries?\n\nELAINE\nno no, ..\n\nGEORGE\n(from bathroom) VANDALEY, SAY VANDALEY!\n\nKRAMER\nNa, you're way way way off.. Well, yeah\nthat's the right number but\n\nthis is an apartment\n\nGEORGE\n(from bathroom) VANDALEY, SAY VANDEL...\n(George falls) ... vandaley\n\nIndustries, ...\n\nKRAMER\nno problem, ... no problem. (Hangs up)\n... How did YOU know who that\n\nwas?\n\n(Jerry enters - sees George on the floor)\n\nJERRY\nAnd you want to be my latex salesman.\n\n(Notice magazine is on wrong side on the floor)\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Boyfriend-Part-2.html",
    "text": "THE BOYFRIEND PT 2\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David & Larry Levin\n\n(New York State department of Labor)\n\nMRS. SOKOL\nJust sign here please.\n\nGEORGE\nI know who it was too. It was the guy\nwho interviewed me. He was\n\nvery threatened by me. Why else wouldn't he hire me? I could\nsell\n\nlatex like that (snaps fingers).\n\nMRS. SOKOL\nSign that.\n\nGEORGE\nWho is this? (sees photo)\n\nMRS. SOKOL\nIt's my daughta'\n\nGEORGE\nTHIS is your daughter? My God! My God!\nI I hope you don't mind my\n\nsaying. She is breathtaking.\n\nMRS. SOKOL\nYa' think so?\n\nGEORGE\nAh, would you take this picture away\nfrom me. Take it away and get\n\nit outta here. Let me just sign this and go.\n\nMRS. SOKOL\nYou know she doesn't even have a boyfriend.\n\nGEORGE\nOkay, Okay. Who do you think you're\ntalking to? What are ya'... you\n\ntrying to make a joke, because it's not funny. I can tell you\nthat.\n\nMRS. SOKOL\nI'm serious.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's one think to not give me the extension\nBut to tease and to\n\ntorture me like this. There's no call for that.\n\nMRS. SOKOL\nWould you like her phone numba'?\n\nMRS. SOKOL\nMrs. Sokol I, I don't know what to say.\nI, uh, where should I sign this\n\nthing?\n\nMRS. SOKOL\nNo no no, Don't worry about it.\n\n(Fitzpatrick's Bar)\n\nELAINE\nSo tell me more about this game SIX.\n\nKEITH\nWell, there was two outs, bottom of\nthe tenth, we're one out away from losing\n\nthe series.\n\nELAINE\nooooh ahhh\n\n(Mike and Carol's Apartment)\n\nKRAMER\n(to baby) Koochie koochie koochie koo\n\nJERRY\n(to baby) Hello. How are you/\n\nCAROL\nSo, wadda ya' think? Do you love her?\n\nJERRY\nYes. I do love her. (to baby) You have\na very nice place here.\n\nCAROL\nSo how do you think she looks like?\n\nKRAMER\nLyndon Johnson.\n\nCAROL\nWhat? Lyndon Johnson?\n\nJERRY\nHe's joking.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm not joking. She looks like Lyndon\nJohnson.\n\nCAROL\nJerry, I can't believe it took you so\nlong to come see the baby. I kept saying\nto\n\nMichael, \"When is Jerry going to see the baby?\"\n\nJERRY\nI was saying the same thing.\n\nCAROL\nLet's take a picture. Michael, get the\ncamera.\n\nJERRY\nUh, you don't have to take a picture.\n\nMIKE\nI don't know where it is.\n\nCAROL\nIt's in the bottom draw' of are dressa'.\nHurry up! ... He's such an idiot.\n\nJERRY\nJerry, You want to pick her up?\n\nJERRY\nI better not.\n\nKRAMER\nI'll pick her up.\n\nBABY\n(cries)\n\n(George's car)\n\nCARRIE\nThank you for a wonderful time George.\n\nGEORGE\nGlad you enjoyed it.\n\nCARRIE\nI haven't had a Big Mac in a long time.\n\nGEORGE\n... millions and millions ...\n\nCARRIE\nWould you like to come up?\n\nGEORGE\n(pause) Would I like to come up? I would\nlove to come up. I, I'm fighting not\n\nto. Fighting! Unfortunately I uh have to get an early start tomorrow.\nGotta' get up\n\nand hit that pavement\n\nCARRIE\nBut it's Saturday. all the offices are\nclosed.\n\nGEORGE\nI got me an appointment with a hardware\nstore. I'm not saying I want to do it\n\nfor the rest of my life, but, uh, hardware fascinates me. Don't\nyou love to make a\n\nkey?\n\nCARRIE\nWill you call me as soon as you get\nhome?\n\nGEORGE\n(pause) Tonight?\n\nCARRIE\nYes.\n\nGEORGE\nWill I call you when I get home? ha\nha What do you think? ee, you kill me\n\nkill me\n\nCARRIE\nWell. good night.(puckers up)\n\n(Mike and Carol's Apartment)\n\nKRAMER\nWell it was an accident. Right Jerry\nit was an accident. Ah, she's going\nto be\n\nall right. .. baby, baby, ah, baby.\n\n(Keith's car)\n\nELAINE\nWell, thanks for a nice evening. It\nwas really fun.\n\nKEITH\nYeah, it was. (mind) Gosh, should I\nkiss her good night?\n\nELAINE\n(mind) Is he going to try to kiss me?\n\nELAINE\nI love Cajun cooking.\n\nKEITH\nReally, you know my mom's one quarter\nCajun.\n\nELAINE\nUh, my father's half drunk. ha ha ha\nha\n\nKEITH\nMaybe they should get together. (mind)\nGo ahead. Kiss her.\n\nI'm a baseball player dammit.\n\nELAINE\n(mind) What's he waiting for? I thought\nhe was a cool guy.\n\nKEITH\n(mind) Come on I won the MVP in 79.\nI can do whatever I want to.\n\nELAINE\n(mind) This is getting awkward.\n\nKEITH\nWell, goodnight\n\nELAINE\nGood night\n\n(they kiss - REALLY KISS)\n\nELAINE\n(mind) Who does this guy think he is?\n\nKEITH\n(mind) I'm Keith Hernandez.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nELAINE\nUh, who else? ... Mookie. Mookie was there.\nDo you know him?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know him. I know who he is.\n\nELAINE\nHum, he's such a great guy. You should\nmeet him. You know he's the one\n\nwho got that hit ...\n\nJERRY\nI know. He got the hit in game SIX.\nSo, so then what happened?\n\nELAINE\nNuthin'. Then he took me home.\n\nJERRY\nSo, did you two, uh, ... have uh, ...\n\nELAINE\nWhat?!\n\nJERRY\n... You know\n\nELAINE\nMilk?\n\nJERRY\nNo!\n\nELAINE\nCookies?\n\nJERRY\nDid he kiss you good night?\n\nELAINE\nI dunno.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you mean you don't know?\n\nELAINE\nAll right. He kissed me. Okay?\n\nJERRY\nWell, what kind of a kiss? Was it a\npeck? Was it a kiss? Was it a long make\n\nout thing?\n\nELAINE\nBetween a peck and a make out.\n\nJERRY\nSo, you like him.\n\nELAINE\nI don't understand. Before you were\njealous of me. Now you're jealous of\n\nhim?\n\nJERRY\nAh, I'm jealous of everybody.\n\n(phone rings)\n\nJERRY\nhello. Oh, hi. What's happening? ... what?\noh um, sure, ... um, yeah, okay,\n\nuh. I'll see you then. Yeah, yeah, Bye.\n\nELAINE\nWho was that?\n\nJERRY\nThat was Keith.\n\nELAINE\nWhat's going on?\n\nJERRY\nHe wants me to help him move.\n\nELAINE\nHelp him move? Move what?\n\nJERRY\nYou know, furniture.\n\nELAINE\nSo, what did you say?\n\nJERRY\nI said yes, but I don't feel right about\nit. I mean I hardly know the guy. That's\na\n\nbig step oin a relationship. The biggest. That's like going all\nthe way.\n\nELAINE\nAnd you feel you're not really ready\nfor,...\n\nJERRY\nWell we went out one time. Don't you\nthink that's coming on a little too\nstrong?\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nWhat's going on?\n\nJERRY\nKeith Hernandez just asked me to help\nhim move.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat? Well, you hardly know the guy....\nWhat a nerve. You see wasn't I\n\nright about this guy? Didn't I tell you? Now, you're not going\nto do it are you?\n\nJERRY\n... I said yes.\n\nKRAMER\nYOU SAID YES!? Don't you have any pride\nor self respect? I mean, how\n\ncan you prostitute yourself like this? I mean what are you going\nto do? You're going\n\nto start driving him to the airport?\n\nJERRY\nI'm NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT!\n..\n\nKRAMER\nyeah yeah\n\nJERRY\nhey Kramer do me a favour .\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nDon't mention it to anybody.\n\nKRAMER\nI wish you never mentioned it to ME.\n(exits)\n\n(George's car)\n\nGEORGE\nI had a great time tonight Carrie. And\nI am going to call you as soon as I\nget\n\nhome.\n\nCARRIE\nDon't bottha\n\nGEORGE\nBother, wa', what kind of bother?\n\nCARRIE\nI would prefa' it if ya' didn'.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy? Is there anything wrong?\n\nCARRIE\nIt's over buddy. Done. Finished. So\nlong. Good bye. Adios. Sayanara.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy?\n\nCARRIE\nI bin thinkin about it. You got no job.\nYou got no prospects. You're like Biff\n\nLoman.\n\nGEORGE\nI went to the hardware store interview.\n\nCARRIE\nYou think I'm going to spend my life\nwith somebody because he can get me\na\n\ndeal on a box of nails?\n\nGEORGE\nI thought were a team.\n\nCARRIE\nIf I ever need a drill bit I'll call\nyou. (exits car)\n\nGEORGE\nCarrie, could you do me a favour? Could\nyou not mention this to your\n\nmother?\n\n(Fitzpatrick's Bar)\n\nKEITH\nYa know I hate to brag but, uh, I did\nwin eleven straight golden gloves.\n\nELAINE\n(chuckles)\n\nKEITH\nI wouldn't have brought it up but since\nyou mentioned it.\n\nELAINE\nHa, I didn't mention it.\n\nKEITH\nWell I won them anyway.\n\nELAINE\nWell so what. I mean you played first\nbase. I mean they always put the worst\n\nplayer on first base. That's were they put me and I stunk.\n\nKEITH\nElaine. you don't know the first thing\nabout first base.\n\nELAINE\nha ha well I know something about getting\nto first base. And I know you'll\n\nnever be there.\n\nKEITH\nThe way I figure it I've already been\nthere and I plan on rounding second\n\ntonight at around eleven o'clock.\n\nELAINE\nWell, uh, I'd watch the third base coach\nif I were you 'cause I don't think he's\n\nwaving you in. You know I hate to say this but I think we're\nreally hitting it off. Get\n\nit? Get it?\n\nKEITH\nFunny.\n\n(Keith takes out a cigarette)\n\nELAINE\nWhat are you doing?\n\nKEITH\nWhat's that?\n\nELAINE\nYou smoke?\n\nKEITH\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nI didn't know you SMOKED.\n\nKEITH\nIs that a problem?\n\nELAINE\nUh, ...\n\n(Monks)\n\nJERRY\nShe likes him I mean she really likes\nhim.\n\nGEORGE\nHow do you kn ow?\n\nJERRY\nWho wouldn't like him? I like him. And\nI'm a guy.\n\nGEORGE\nI suppose he's an attractive man, I\n, ...\n\nJERRY\nForget that. He's a ball player. MVP(\n1979. I'm making wise cracks in some\n\nnight club. This guy was in game six. They're a perfect match.\nThey like go\n\ntogether. They're like one of these brother and sister couples\nthat look alike.\n\nGEORGE\nHate those couples. I could never bee\none of those couples. There are no bald\n\nwoman around. You know?\n\nJERRY\nYou know I know this sounds a little\narrogant but I never thought she would\nfind\n\nanyone she would like better than me. Ya know, I guess I had\nmy chance and that's\n\nthat.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know what I would like to do? I\nwould really like to have sex with a\ntall\n\nwoman. I mean really tall. Like a like a giant Like six five.\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat was the tallest woman you ever\nslept with?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know ... six three.\n\nGEORGE\nWow, ... god! You see this is all I think\nabout. Sleeping with a giant. It's my\n\nlife's ambition.\n\nJERRY\nSo I guess it's fair to say you've set\ndifferent goals for yourself than say,\nThomas\n\nEdison, Magellan, these types of people.\n\nGEORGE\nMagellan? You like Magellan?\n\nJERRY\nOh, yeah,. My favourite explorer. Around\nthe world. Come on.\n\nGEORGE\nWho do you like?\n\nGEORGE\nI like DeSoto.\n\nJERRY\nDeSoto? What did he do?\n\nGEORGE\nDiscovered the Mississippi.\n\nJERRY\nOh. like they wouldn't have found that\nanyway.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, I've got to go down to the\nunemployment office. Wanna take a\n\nwalk?\n\nJERRY\nNo I can't I've got some stuff to do\nthen I've got to meet Keith at my apartment\n\nat three. I'm helping him move.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat? The guy asked you to HELP HIM\nMOVE? Wow.\n\nJERRY\nI know isn't that something?\n\nKRAMER\nHe's got money. Why doesn't he just\npay a mover?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know ... he's got some valuable\nantiques, He's worried they'll break\n\nsomething.\n\nGEORGE\nThe next thing you know, he'll have\nyou driving him to the airport..\n\nJERRY\nI'M NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT!!\n\n(New York State Department of lab or)\n\nGEORGE\nI gave. I gave everything I could Mrs.\nSokol. but nothing was good enough\n\nfor her.\n\nMRS. SOKOL\nSign here please.\n\nGEORGE\nHa, I don't know who she's looking for.\nI don't know. I'll tell you something.\n\nShe's very particular, your daughter. Very particular. What is\nshe looking for some\n\nbig hot shot businessman? Well I've got my pride too. I'm not\ngoing to beg her.\n\nMRS. SOKOL\nAll right just sign it. People are waiting.\n\nGEORGE\nYou, uh, you like baseball? (picks up\nbaseball from desk)\n\nMRS. SOKOL\nThat was autographed by the '86 Mets.\nI saw every inning that year.\n\nGEORGE\nFunny, cause I happen to be very good\nfriends with Keith Hernandez.\n\nMRS. SOKOL\nYou know Keith Hernandez.\n\nGEORGE\nKnow him? Would you, uh, like to meet\nhim?\n\nMRS. SOKOL\nOh, come on. Come on.\n\nGEORGE\nI can produce Keith Hernandez right\nhere within the hour.\n\nMRS. SOKOL\nAll right. You got ONE hour.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right Mrs. S. I and my good pal\nKeith Hernandez will be right back.\n\n(exits)\n\n(Same phone booth)\n\n(George sees large construction worker in booth and leaves. he\nhops into a cab)\n\nGEORGE\n129 west 81st street and hurry.\n\n(same cabby stares at him)\n\nGEORGE\nGoodbye (exits cab)\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nKEITH\nBetter bring your gloves, it's freezing\nout there. It shouldn't take too long.\nI'd\n\nsay maybe, oh, four hours. Really though, Jerry, there's not\nthat much. First we got\n\nthe bedroom, we got two dressers and the bed.\n\nJERRY\nIs there a box spring?\n\nKEITH\nWhat's that?\n\nJERRY\nIs there a box spring?\n\nKEITH\nYeah there's a box spring but it's attached\nto the headboard and we'll have to take\n\nthat apart. Then we got the couch.\n\nJERRY\nIs that a sectional?\n\nKEITH\nYeah. Twelve pieces. (not clear) ...coffee\ntable.\n\nJERRY\nIs that a thick marble?\n\n(... Jerry and Keith start to laugh and Jerry walks behind Keith\nso they don't make eye\n\ncontact and break up)\n\nKEITH\nThree inches thick. Got it in Italy.\nBut the BIG problem is going to be the\n\nconvertible sofa. You see when you move it it tends to open up\nso it's going to be\n\nreal difficult getting it down the stairs.\n\nJERRY\nSTAIRS??? There's no elevator?\n\nKEITH\nNah, it's a brownstone. Three floors.\n\nJERRY\nI'm sorry I can't do this. I can't do\nit. I can't. It, it's too soon. I don't\nknow you. I\n\ncan't help you move. I'm sorry. I can't. I just can't.\n\n(Kramer enters, sees Keith and does a double take)\n\nKRAMER\nHello.\n\nKEITH\nHello.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, you don't remember me.\n\nKEITH\nNo should I (continuity error: in fact\nhe SHOULD from the basketball game)\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, you should. I certainly remember\nyou. Let me refresh your memory.\n\n(Newman enters)\n\nNEWMAN\nJune 14th, 1987. Mets Phillies. You\nmade a big error. Cost the Mets the\n\ngame. Then you're coming up the parking lot ramp.\n\nKEITH\nYOU said, \"Nice game, pretty boy.\"\n\nKRAMER\nAh, you remember.\n\nNEWMAN\nAnd then you spit on us.\n\nKEITH\nHey, I didn't spit at you.\n\nNEWMAN\nOh, yeah, right.\n\nKRAMER\nNo no no, well, then who was it?\n\nKEITH\nWell lookit, the way I remember it (back\nto the grainy 8mm film parody) I was\n\nwalking up the ramp. I was upset about the game. That's when\nyou called me pretty\n\nboy. It ticked me off. I started to turn around to say something\nand as I turned\n\naround I saw Roger McDowell behind the bushes over by that gravely\nroad. ...\n\nAnyway he was talking to someone and they were talking to you.\nI tried to scream\n\nout but it was too late. It was already on its way.\n\nJERRY\nI told you!\n\nNEWMAN\nWow, it was McDowell.\n\nJERRY\nBut why? Why McDowell?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, maybe because we were sitting\nin the right field stands cursing at\nhim\n\nin the bullpen all game.\n\nNEWMAN\nHe must have caught a glimpse of us\nwhen I poured that beer on his head.\n\nNEWMAN\nIt was McDowell.\n\nKRAMER\nOh boy. Uh, look uh, Keith, uh, we're\nsorry.\n\nNEWMAN\nYeah, I couldn't be sorrier. I uh.\n\nKEITH\nlook guys, don't worry about it, I uh,\nWell I guess I better get going.\n\nKRAMER\nWait, uh what are ya' doing?\n\nKEITH\nI gotta move.\n\nKRAMER\nWant any help?\n\nKEITH\nI'd love some.\n\nKRAMER\nI'd love to help you move.\n\nNEWMAN\nMe too.\n\nKEITH\nOk guys, we gotta be careful of one\nthing. Some of the stuff's very fragile\n\nWe're going to have to handle it like a baby.\n\nKRAMER\nNo sweat.\n\n(they exit)\n\n(phone rings)\n\nJERRY\nHello, ... oh hi Elaine .. what's going\non ... no he just left ... you broke up\n\nwith him? ... ME TOO .. what happened? ... oh smoking you know you're\nlike\n\ngoing out with C. Everet Coope ... me ... nah ... I couldn't go through\nwith it ... I\n\njust didn't feel ready ... so what are you doing now? ... Oh, great\nidea, I'll meet you\n\nthere in like thirty minutes. Okay bye.\n\n(George frantically enters)\n\nGEORGE\nKeith, Keith Wa What happened? Where's\nKeith?\n\nJERRY\nYou just missed him. he just left. What\ndo you need him for?\n\nGEORGE\n(out the window) Keith, Keith, up here.\nCan you do me a favor? I need you\n\nto go to the unemployment office with me. I, I'm Jerry's friend\n... the guy from the\n\nlocker room, ... I'm the chucker. It'll take five minutes. Wait.\nWait.\n\n(sits down)\n\nJERRY\nWell Biff/ What's next?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know.\n\n(Tall girl enters)\n\nTALL GIRL\nExcuse me. I was walking behind you\nand you dropped your wallet.\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nWhen You're moving your whole world becomes boxes. That's all\nyou think about is\n\nboxes. Boxes, where are there boxes? You just wander down the\nstreet going in and out\n\nof stores. Are there boxes here? Have you seen any boxes? I mean\nit's all you think\n\nabout. You can't even talk to people because you can't concentrate.\nShut up I'm looking\n\nfor boxes. Just after a while you become like really into it\nyou can smell them. You walk\n\ninto a store. There's boxes here. Don't tell me you don't have\nboxes. Dammit, I can\n\nSMELL them. I'm like I'm obsessed. I love the smell of cardboard\nin the morning. You\n\ncould be at a funeral. Everyone's mourning crying around, and\nyour looking at the\n\ncasket. That's a nice box Does anyone know where that guy got\nthat box? When he's\n\ndone with it do you think I could get that? it's got some nice\nhandles on it. And that's\n\nwhat death is really. It's the last big move of your life. The\nhearse is like the van. The\n\npale bearers are your close friends the only ones you could ask\nto help you with a big\n\nmove like that. and the casket is that great perfect box you've\nbeen waiting for your\n\nwhole life The only problem is, once you find it you're in it.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Limo.html",
    "text": "THE LIMO\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry Charles\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nDo you think that the people at the airport that run the stores\nhave any idea\n\nwhat the prices are every place else in the world? Or do you\nthink they just\n\nfeel they have their own little country out there and they can\ncharge anything\n\nthey want? You're hungry? Tuna sandwich is nine dollars. You\ndon't like it;\n\ngo back to your own country. I think the whole airport airline\ncomplex is a\n\nhuge scam just to sell the tuna sandwiches. I think that profit\nis what's\n\nsupporting the whole air travel industry. I mean think about\nit; the terminals,\n\nthe airplanes, it's all just a distraction so that you don't\nnotice the beating\n\nthat you're taking on the tuna.\n\nGeorge is at the airport.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's all departures. I see nothing but\ndepartures. (to the woman\n\nbeside him) Do you know where the arrivals are?\n\nThe woman walks away. George addresses the man standing on the\nother side.\n\nGEORGE\nExcuse me, sir, do you have the time?\n\nMAN\nThere's a clock over there.\n\nGEORGE\nWhere?\n\nMAN\nThere.\n\nGEORGE\nBut you have a watch on.\n\nMAN\nIt's right by the escalator.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy don't you just look at your watch?\n\nMAN\nI told you, it's right over there.\n\nGEORGE\nLet me see the watch.\n\nGeorge grabs the man's wrist.\n\nMAN\nHey! What are you, some kind of nut?!\n\nGEORGE\nYou know we're living in a society!\n\nJerry walks up from the ramp.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry. Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nSorry, the flight was delayed, how long've\nyou been waiting?\n\nGEORGE\nI just got here. My car broke down on\nthe Belt Parkway.\n\nJerry, Oh I can't believe-- why don't you get rid of that piece\nof junk.\n\nGEORGE\nOne mile from the exit it starts shaking,\nreally violently shaking,\n\nlike it's having a nervous breakdown. It completely stopped dead.\n\nJERRY\nSo you have no car?\n\nGEORGE\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nSo what good are you?\n\nJerry looks over towards a chauffer holding a sign that says\nO'BRIEN\n\nJERRY\nI'll tell you one thing, this chauffeur's\ngonna be waiting a while,\n\nO'Brien's not showing up.\n\nGEORGE\nHow do you know?\n\nJERRY\nHe was in Chicago, the flight was overbooked,\nwouldn't let him on the\n\nplane. He kept screaming how he had to get to Madison Square\nGarden.\n\nGEORGE\nWe should take his limo.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, right.\n\nGEORGE\nWait a second. Think about it. He's\nnot showing up. Wait till you\n\nsee the line of cabs, its like forty-five minutes long. You said\nhe's in\n\nChicago.\n\nJERRY\nHe's definitely in Chicago.\n\nGEORGE\nWell the guy's just standing there.\n\nJERRY\nHow would we do it?\n\nGEORGE\nWe just go up to him, we say, \"We're\nO'Brien.\"\n\nJERRY\nMaybe he knows O'Brien?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, he doesn't know O'Brien, if he knew\nO'Brien he wouldn't have a\n\nsign. Let's just do it.\n\nJERRY\nWhat if we get caught?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's gonna happen? They can't kill\nus.\n\nJERRY\nWho's gonna be O'Brien?\n\nGEORGE\nI'll be O'Brien.\n\nJERRY\nWho am I?\n\nGEORGE\nYou're you.\n\nJERRY\nJust me?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nOkay.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, you don't want to be you?\n\nJERRY\nWell if you're gonna be O'Brien, why\ncan't I be somebody?\n\nGEORGE\nLike who?\n\nJERRY\nDylan Murphy.\n\nGeorge mumbles something.\n\nJERRY\nWhat, now you wanna be Dylan Murphy?\n\nGEORGE\nWell I like Dylan.\n\nJERRY\nYou could be Colin.\n\nGEORGE\nColin O'Brien.\n\nJERRY\nI'm Dylan Murphy.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm Colin O'Brien.\n\nThey walk towards the chauffer.\n\nGEORGE\nAre we really doing this?\n\nJERRY\nCome on,\n\nMAN\nHey, do you have the time?\n\nGEORGE\nClock over there. (to chauffer) O'Brien.\n\nCHAUFFER\nYes sir.\n\nGEORGE\nSorry we're late.\n\nCHAUFFER\nHere let me take that for you.\n\nGEORGE\nOh thank you.\n\nCHAUFFER\nI'll get the car and I'll bring it around\nfront.\n\nGEORGE\nThank you very much. Dylan?\n\nJERRY\nColin?\n\nGeorge and Jerry are in the back of a limo. George is giddy with\nexcitement.\n\nGEORGE\nThis is incredible! This is one of the\ngreatest things I've ever done\n\nin my life! I'm gonna call my mother.\n\nJERRY\nWhat for?\n\nGEORGE\nI dunno, I'm in a limo. (dials) Hello\nma? It's me. Guess where I am.\n\nIn the back of a limo. No, nobody died. It's a long story, I\ncan't tell you\n\nnow. Because I can't. I said I can't. If I could, I would. Would\nyou stop\n\nit? Alright, look, I'm getting off. No, I'm not telling you!\nHow's this? I'm\n\n*never* telling you! I don't care! No! Fine! Never!!\n\nJERRY\nShe happy for you?\n\nGEORGE\nCan he hear us?\n\nJERRY\nNo. Why?\n\nGEORGE\nI thought I saw him look in the mirror\nsuspiciously.\n\nJERRY\nHe can't hear us.\n\nGEORGE\nLet's test him. Hey, driver. What do\nyou say we stop off, pick up\n\nyour sister, have a little fun back here? No, he can't hear us.\n\nJERRY\nWhere's he dropping us? Maybe we can\nget him to drop us right at my\n\nhouse?\n\nGEORGE\nWe'll ask him. (opens partition) My\ndear fellow, where are you\n\ndropping us?\n\nCHAUFFER\nMadison Square Garden, of course. I\nhave the four passes.\n\nGEORGE\nOf course, the uh, the four passes.\n(closes partition) Four passes to\n\nMadison Square Garden? Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Of course!\nChicago!\n\nThe Knicks are playing the Bulls tonight!\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nWe are going to the Knick game! Michael\nJordan!\n\nJERRY\nWe're going to the Knick game!\n\nGEORGE\nDid I tell you?! Did I tell you?!\n\nJERRY\nI can't believe it! You may have hit\nwith this one!\n\nGEORGE\nYou see, you see? I see things as they\nare and I say, 'no!' Uh, wait,\n\nyou see things as they are not and you s- Wait, uh, you see things,\ndo you see\n\nthings as they are? What do you say when you see things?\n\nJERRY\nLemme call Elaine and Kramer.\n\nGEORGE\nIf I see things as they are, I would\nask 'why' or 'why not?'\n\nJERRY\nElaine? It's me. What are you doing\ntonight? Great. George and I\n\nhave tickets, four free passes to the Knicks-Bulls game, Madison\nSquare Garden.\n\nCan you go? Great, listen, call Kramer, tell him to meet us on\nthe corner at\n\nseven o'clock. Alright. We're gonna pick you up in a limo. That's\nright\n\nbabydoll. Hey listen, when we pick you up, I'm Murphy and George\nis O'Brien. I\n\ncan't tell you now, it's a long story. I am serious. Okay. Okay\nbye. (opens\n\npartition) 'Scuse me, driver, we have to make a little stop first.\n\nCHAUFFER\nI know.\n\nJERRY AND GEORGE\nHe knows?\n\nGEORGE\nWhere are we going? Why are we pulling\noff here?\n\nJERRY\nMaybe it's a shortcut.\n\nGEORGE\nWe're on the Grand Central, there's\nno traffic.\n\nJERRY\n(opens partition) 'Scuse me, driver,\nwhy are we getting off this exit?\n\nCHAUFFER\nPick up the other members of your party.\n\nGEORGE\nRight. The other members of our party.\n(closes partition) Other\n\nmembers of our party? What other members of our party? I didn't\neven know we\n\nwere in a party. Oh, I'm telling you, the jig is up.\n\nJERRY\nIt was a bad jig to begin with, we never\nshould have started this jig.\n\nGEORGE\nIt was a good jig.\n\nJERRY\nIt was a bad jig, a terrible terrible\njig. What are we gonna do now?\n\nThey're gonna know you're not O'Brien.\n\nGEORGE\nThere could be more than one O'Brien\non a plane who ordered a limo.\n\nJERRY\nFirst of all, you don't look like any\nO'Brien, period.\n\nGEORGE\nWell you should have been O'Brien.\n\nJERRY\nI don't want to be Murphy anymore; do\nI still have to be Murphy?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, you have to be Murphy.\n\nJERRY\nIt makes no sense now, me being Murphy.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're Murphy!\n\nJERRY\nI'm Seinfeld!\n\nGEORGE\nYou're Murphy!! Look, let's just jump\nout of the car.\n\nJERRY\nWe're doing sixty miles an hour!\n\nGEORGE\nSo we jump and roll, you won't get hurt.\n\nJERRY\nWho are you, Mannix?\n\nGEORGE\nWe're slowing down. Are those the people?\n\nJERRY\nAlright put your hands up over your\nface, pretend you're sleeping.\n\nThe limo pulls over, two people, a man (Tim) and a woman (Eva),\nget in.\n\nWOMAN\nMr. O'Brien?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I'm, uh, Dylan Murphy. Mr. O'Brien\nhad a long trip, he's sleeping.\n\nEVA\nOh, well I don't want to disturb him.\nWe're just rather\n\nexcited to meet him face to face, finally. We're faithful readers\nof his\n\nnewsletter.\n\nJERRY\nNewsletter?\n\nTIM\nAnd of course, his great book, \"The\nGame\".\n\nJERRY\nOh, yes, he's very proud of his work\nin the big game. So you've never\n\nuh, met him before?\n\nEVA\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nNever seen a picture of him?\n\nEVA\nNever.\n\nJERRY\nNot even on the book jacket?\n\nEVA\nThere was no picture on the book jacket.\n\nJERRY\nHey O'Brien, wake up, c'mon, we got\ncompany. Wake up.\n\nGEORGE\nHello. I'm O'Brien.\n\nElaine meets Kramer of Jerry's corner.\n\nKRAMER\nHey!\n\nELAINE\nHey!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat, you took a cab?\n\nELAINE\nYeah? So?\n\nKRAMER\nHow much do you make?\n\nELAINE\nI'm not telling you.\n\nKRAMER\nC'mon.\n\nELAINE\nNo!\n\nKRAMER\nI'll tell you how much I make.\n\nELAINE\nI know how much you make. I don't even\nknow why I'm doing this, I\n\ndon't even like basketball.\n\nKRAMER\nYou ever seen Michael Jordan?\n\nELAINE\nJust in those commercials.\n\nKRAMER\nMaybe you'll see him do one of those\nthree-sixty dunks.\n\nELAINE\nWhat's that?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, it's like this, here, you guard\nme.\n\nELAINE\nHuh?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nKramer then drives to 'the hoop' and tumbles headfirst into a\nbunch of garbage\n\ncans.\n\nCut back to 'O'Brien' and 'Murphy' in the limo.\n\nJERRY\nI don't think we're gonna make the tip\noff.\n\nTIM\nYou think someone's been tipped off?\n\nGEORGE\nSo, um, you've read \"The Big Game\",\nhave you?\n\nEVA\nYes I've read it and I've memorized\nit.\n\nGEORGE\nTell me your impressions, I would love\nto hear what a young woman\n\nthinks of \"The Big Game\".\n\nEVA\nWell, this is sort of embarrassing,\nbut it's changed my life. The way you\n\nanalyzed the game? The way you identify the major players? Well\nit left me\n\nbreathless. You're a brilliant, brilliant man.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, it's just a game. Remember that,\nkids.\n\nTIM\nJust a game. He's so humble. Don't forget\nwhat you wrote in the\n\nepilogue, the fate of the world depends on the outcome of this\ngame.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I was exaggerating a bit, just\nfor effect.\n\nJERRY\nHe tends to exaggerate.\n\nGEORGE\nOkay, I mean it's serious but--\n\nEVA\nWe are really looking forward to your\nspeech tonight.\n\nGEORGE\nUh, my speech?\n\nEVA\nYes, your secretary faxed me the copy.\nWould you like to look it over?\n\nJERRY\nWell you might as well look it over.\n\nCut back to Kramer and Elaine waiting on the corner.\n\nKRAMER\nSo what's going on, how did all this\nhappen?\n\nELAINE\nJerry and George called me from this\nlimo and they said we're all going\n\nto the Knicks-Bulls game.\n\nKRAMER\nLimo? I thought that George went to\npick him up.\n\nELAINE\nHe did.\n\nKRAMER\nWell then why would they take a limo\nfrom the airport?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know.\n\nKRAMER\nThat's pretty strange. Did he say anything\nelse?\n\nELAINE\nYeah. He said, um, he said it's really\nimportant that we call them\n\nO'Brien and Murphy.\n\nKRAMER\nO'Brien. Why would he want to be called\nO'Brien?\n\nCut back to the limo, George is reading from O'Brien's speech.\n\nGEORGE\n...and the Jews steal our money through\ntheir Zionist occupied\n\ngovernment and use the black man to bring drugs into our oppressed\nwhite\n\nminority communities.\n\nJERRY\nYou're not going to open with that,\nare you?\n\nEVA\nWhat was that you said about the myth\nof the Holocaust?\n\nGEORGE\nI said so many things.\n\nSuddenly they hear a loud bang.\n\nGEORGE\nThey're shooting! They're shooting!\n\nTIM\nAlright, get down!\n\nThe limo comes to a screeching halt. Tim exits the limo to look\naround, Eva has\n\nfallen on top of George.\n\nEva. Ohhh. I'm ready to die for you.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's really very nice of you, Eva.\nThank you.\n\nEVA\nBut of course you know I would. I would\ndo anything for you. Anything.\n\nTim returns.\n\nTIM\nNothing to worry about, it was just\na flat tire. But rest assured, we're\n\nprepared to handle anything that might come up.\n\nTim opens a briefcase filled with firearms. Eva grabs one and\nstarts handling\n\nit sensually.\n\nJERRY\nNice looking Lugar.\n\nJodi Baskerville, reporting live.\n\nJODI\nI'm standing in front of the Paramount\nadjacent to Madison Square Garden\n\nwhere a growing number of vociferous and angry demonstrators\nare gathering to\n\nprotest the very first public appearance of Donald O'Brien, the\nleader of the\n\nmidwestern regional chapter of the Aryan Union, and reputed to\nbe their most\n\ncharismatic spokesman. The reclusive Mr. O'Brien is an advocate\nof the violent\n\noverthrow of the government. He has openly professed a deep admiration\nof Adolf\n\nHitler. Even David Duke has denounced him as a dangerous extremist.\nThere is a\n\nfull house inside awaiting his arrival from the airport. Sources\ntell me he is\n\nin route and should be arriving momentarily. Police have set\nup barricades, but\n\nquite frankly Bill and Jean, I don't think they're any match\nfor the emotional\n\nfuse that has been lit here tonight. Reporting from the Paramount,\nI'm Jodi\n\nBaskerville, back to you in the studio.\n\nCut back to Kramer and Elaine on the corner.\n\nKRAMER\nSomething's very strange. George goes\nto the airport to pick up Jerry.\n\nThey come back in a limo with four tickets to the basketball\ngame and wanna be\n\ncalled O'Brien and Murphy? O'Brien. O'Brien, why O'Brien?\n\nA group of people approach from the adjacent sidewalk. One of\nthem recognized\n\nElaine.\n\nDAN\nElaine?\n\nELAINE\nDan! Oh, hi Dan, how are you?\n\nDAN\nGood.\n\nELAINE\nUm, oh, this is um, Kramer.\n\nDAN\nOh, Kramer?\n\nThey shake hands.\n\nELAINE\nWhat's going on?\n\nDAN\nOh, we're heading down to protest this\nbig neo-nazi rally. The head of\n\nthe Aryan Union is speaking, he's in from Chicago. You should\ncome.\n\nELAINE\nOh, can't, I'm going to the Knicks-Bulls\ngame.\n\nDAN\nOh, well that's where the rally is.\nThe Paramount, right next door.\n\nELAINE\nOh, well, maybe we'll run into you.\n\nDAN\nYeah, yeah ok. It's really gonna be\nsomething, this is the first time\n\nhe's ever appeared in public, no one even knows what he looks\nlike.\n\nKRAMER\nWho?\n\nDAN\nThe head of the Aryan Union; O'Brien.\n\nCut back to the limo.\n\nJerry and George are alone inside.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's taking him so long out there?\n\nGEORGE\nDidja see the way she was looking at\nme?\n\nJERRY\nShe's a Nazi, George. A Nazi!\n\nGEORGE\nI know, I know. Kind of a cute Nazi\nthough.\n\nJERRY\nWell we gotta make a plan before they\ncome back, what are we gonna do?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know.\n\nJERRY\nLet's just make a run for it.\n\nGEORGE\nI can't run, I have a bad hamstring.\n\nJERRY\nHow'd that happen?\n\nGEORGE\nI hurt it in a hotel room. You know\nwhere they tuck the covers in real\n\ntight in those hotel rooms? I can't sleep like that so I tried\nto kick it out\n\nand I pulled it.\n\nJERRY\nI know, why do they make that bed so\ntight? You gotta sleep with your\n\nfeet like that.\n\nGEORGE\nFor a mental patient. Wait a minute,\nthe phone, we'll call the police.\n\nGeorge grabs the phone and dials.\n\nGEORGE\n9... 1... 1. She said she'd do anything.\nHello, police? Uh, yeah\n\nlisten, we're in the back of a limo in Queens--\n\nTim re-enters the limo.\n\nGEORGE\n--Astroturf? You know who's responsible\nfor that, don't you?! The\n\nJews! Ah, the Jews hate grass. They always have, they always\nwill.\n\nTIM\nWe'll be ready in a minute.\n\nGEORGE\nWould you excuse us for a minute Tim\nboy, we're kind of in the middle\n\nof something.\n\nTIM\nWith all due respect, Mr. O'Brien, we're\njust about to leave.\n\nGEORGE\nTim, who's the head of the Aryan Union,\nyou or me?\n\nTIM\nYou are.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd who's responsible for making hate\nmongering and fascism popular\n\nagain?\n\nTIM\nYou are.\n\nGEORGE\nGood. I think you forgot something.\n\nTIM\nI'm sorry.\n\nGEORGE\nGood. Now get out.\n\nTim leaves.\n\nGEORGE\nOkay, what are we gonna do?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, how's this? We wait till we\nget to your street corner, we see\n\nElaine and Kramer then we get out. They can't shoot us in the\ncity.\n\nJERRY\nNah. No one's ever been shot in the\ncity.\n\nCut back to Elaine and Kramer on the corner.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm telling you, something's going on.\nI can feel it, sense it.\n\nELAINE\nI'm sure he was just joking around.\n\nKRAMER\nOh no no no, this is no joke. O'Brien's\ncoming in from Chicago,\n\nJerry's in a limo, says he's O'Brien? That's not funny. Oh my\ngod. Yes. Yes!\n\nELAINE\nWhat is it?\n\nKRAMER\nDon't you see? There's always been something\nvery strange about Jerry,\n\nalways so clean and organized. Do I have to spell it out for\nyou? The limo?\n\nThe name? The rally at Madison Square Garden? Jerry, O'Brien\nare the same\n\nperson. Jerry is the leader of the Aryan Union!\n\nELAINE\nJerry's a nazi?!\n\nKRAMER\nI can't believe I didn't see it.\n\nELAINE\nListen, you idiot! Just calm down! I\nknow Jerry, he's not a nazi.\n\nKRAMER\nYou don't think so.\n\nELAINE\nNo, he's just neat.\n\nCut back to the limo.\n\nTIM\nYou know it's funny. You don't look\nlike an O'Brien.\n\nGEORGE\nMe??\n\nGeorge and Jerry laugh nervously.\n\nTIM\nAnd you really don't look like a Murphy.\n\nJERRY\nI may not look like a Murphy but I act\nlike a Murphy.\n\nGEORGE\nHe's extremely Murphy. He's Murphy to\na fault.\n\nTIM\nWhere are you from?\n\nJERRY\nDublin. Originally. Parents came over\nhere when I was eighteen.\n\nCereal famine. Couldn't get a bowl anywhere. Bad. 'Tis a beautiful\ncountry\n\nthough; lush rolling hills, and the peat, ah the peat.\n\nTIM\nSounds more like Scottish.\n\nJERRY\nWe were right on the border.\n\nCut back to the street corner.\n\nKRAMER\nMaybe he's with the company.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nThe CIA! Maybe they placed him in there\nto infiltrate the organization\n\nfrom within.\n\nELAINE\nWhat about his comedy act?\n\nKRAMER\nThat's the perfect cover! All that time\non the road? Look Jerry, he's\n\ntoo normal to be a comedian. These comedians, they're sick, neurotic\npeople.\n\nELAINE\nWhat about George?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat about him, he's part of it. His\nwhole personality is a disguise.\n\nNo real person can act the way he does. Elaine, I'm telling you\nthey're with\n\nthe organization. They're all part of it. He's in there with\nHelms and Hunt\n\nand Liddy, that whole crowd. George and Jerry, they probably\nknow who killed\n\nKennedy!\n\nELAINE\nI'll bet they were even in on it.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, what are we gonna do? I'm not\ngonna let him hurt you. (grabs\n\nand hugs Elaine tightly) I'm not gonna.\n\nELAINE\nKramer, you're hurting me!\n\nQuick cut to the now approaching limo.\n\nGEORGE\nThose are my friends I was telling you\nabout. We're gonna talk to\n\nthem, pull over.\n\nELAINE\nGet off of me!!\n\nThe limo pulls over and George and Jerry get out.\n\nKRAMER\nO'Brien.\n\nThis attracts the attention of Dan and his friends standing at\na nearby bus\n\nstop.\n\nMAN\nO'Brien? Is that him?\n\nMAN #2\nYeah, that's him.\n\nMAN #3\nLook there's O'Brien!\n\nMAN #4\nFilthy nazi bastard!\n\nALL FOUR\nLet's get him!!\n\nThey begin running full speed towards the gang.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat do I do?! What do I do?!\n\nJERRY\nGet in the car! Get in the car!\n\nGeorge, Elaine, Jerry and Kramer all jump into the limo which\nspeeds off.\n\nKRAMER\nO'Brien. Long time no see. How's tricks,\nMurphy?\n\nTIM\nWhy did you call him O'Brien and him\nMurphy?\n\nJERRY\nNo, he was talking to me, he's cross-eyed.\n\nELAINE\nIt could be very confusing.\n\nThe limo phone rings Kramer answers it.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah? Eva?\n\nEVA\nIt's for me. (takes phone) Hello? (cups\nreceiver) It's O'Brien.\n\nKRAMER\nO'Brien? Well that's weird.\n\nEVA\nWho are you?\n\nGeorge and Jerry begin simultaneous explanations about how George's\ncar broke\n\ndown when he went to pick Jerry up at the airport.\n\nCut back to Jodi Baskerville, reporting live.\n\nJODI\nA limousine has just pulled up it's\nbeing surrounded by a huge group of\n\nprotestors, this has the makings of a very ugly scene.\n\nCut back to the limo, Elaine has joined the group explanation,\nnone of the three\n\nare intelligible at this point.\n\nJODI\nThey are banging on the car, trying\nto flip it over. The police seem\n\nunable or unwilling to control the crowd, I would imagine Mr.\nO'Brien must be\n\nhaving some very grave doubts if he made the right choice for\nhis first public\n\nappearance.\n\nCut back to the limo. The explanations are becoming more heated\nand less\n\nunderstandable, the limo is rocking violently and Tim and Eva\nare becoming\n\nunnerved.\n\nEVA\nGet out!!\n\nELAINE\nLook, it's Dan! Hi Dan!\n\nDAN\nElaine?\n\nELAINE\nHey!\n\nCut to George in front of a news camera, the on screen graphic\nsays 'DONALD\n\nO'BRIEN Leader of the Aryan Union'.\n\nGEORGE\nI am not O'Brien! I am not O'Brien!\nI'm not O'Brien! Ask anyone!\n\nJerry?! Jerry?!!\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nSo I was watching this movie the other night, it was a World\nWar Two movie and\n\nthere was Nazis in the movie and I noticed that the Nazis in\nthose movies always\n\nhad like two separate heils. They had like the regular heil that\nthey would do\n\nand then when they were around the offices they had like this\ncasual heil,\n\nremember that one, you ever notice that? They come in, yeah,\nheil, how are ya,\n\nis the kid back with the coffee yet? Come on, are you finished\nwith the copier?\n\nYeah. World domination, Aryan race, whose donuts are those? Yeah,\nheil, nice\n\nto see ya, can I have one of those donuts?\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Good-Samaritan.html",
    "text": "THE GOOD SAMARITAN\n\nWritten by\n\nPeter Mehlman\n\n(Jerry is driving alone talking on his car phone to Elaine at\nhome in her\n\nbed)\n\nELAINE\nYou know it's bad enough you have a\ncar phone, you have to use the\n\nspeaker?\n\nJERRY\nIt's safer! Plus it's more annoying\nto the other person.\n\n(Driver cuts in front of Jerry)\n\nJERRY\nOh look at this guy.\n\nELAINE\nWhat's goin' on?\n\nJERRY\nOh there's a guy trying to get in front\nof me, he has to ask\n\npermission. Yes. Go ahead. Get in, get in.\n\nELAINE\nDid you get a thank you wave?\n\nJERRY\nNo, nothing. How could you not give\na thank you wave? Hey buddy!\n\nWhere's my thank you wave?\n\n(Jerry sticks his head out the window)\n\nJERRY\nGive me that wave!\n\nELAINE\nJerry, are you free on Friday?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I'm free, why?\n\nELAINE\nAh, God, I bumped into Robin Sandusky\ntoday, she asked me to have\n\ndinner with her and her husband.\n\nJERRY\nOh my God! You won't believe what I\njust saw! A car just bashed into\n\na parked car, and sped off, right on my block!\n\nELAINE\nYou gotta follow that car!\n\nJERRY\nWhat?!\n\nELAINE\nYou can't let him get away with that!\n\nJERRY\nElaine, the guy could be dangerous.\n\nELAINE\nWhat are you, yellow?\n\nJERRY\nI'm not yella. (In a cowboy voice)\n\nELAINE\nJerry, if you don't follow him, you're\nyella.\n\nJERRY\nWait, he stopped, he's parking.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? What? I can't hear you. Jerry?\n\n(Scene moves outside where Jerry get out of his car to confront\nother\n\ndriver, who as they come out of their car, is an attractive woman)\n\nJERRY\nUh, excuse me, uh, I was uh, driving\nbehind you, uh, a few blocks\n\nback, and I, I couldn't help, uh, maybe you didn't realize, uh,\nI witnessed\n\nthat, uh, um, you're tire's a little low. That can affect the\nperformance\n\nof the twin high-beam suspension, not to mention your rack and\npinion\n\nsteering. (They both smile flirtatiously at each other)\n\n(Scene moves to Jerry's apartment where Jerry and George are\ntalking by the\n\ntable)\n\nJERRY\nSo I wound up going out for a decaf\ncappuccino with her.\n\nGEORGE\nBoy! What a story! I'm speechless. Speechless.\nI have no speech.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, I really liked her. We talked.\nWe flirted. And when she\n\nleft, she reached out and touched my arm.\n\n(Reaches out to touch Georges arm to demonstrate)\n\nJERRY\nHe, he, he. (Simulating her feminine\nlaugh)\n\nGEORGE\nI love when they touch your arm. I can't\nget enough of that. Why is\n\nthat?\n\nJERRY\nLet's not even analyze it.\n\n(Jerry begins walking towards door)\n\nGEORGE\nSo you didn't turn her in?\n\nJERRY\nI wanted to but I couldn't go through\nwith it.\n\nGEORGE\nGonna see her again?\n\nJERRY\nFriday night.\n\n(Intercom buzzes, Jerry presses the button)\n\nJERRY\nYep.\n\nELAINE\nIt's me!\n\nJERRY\nCome on up.\n\n(Jerry unlocks and opens door)\n\nJERRY\nBy the way, Elaine does not need to\nknow about anything.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, hey, hey! I dig.\n\n(George walks into kitchen and opens cupboard to get cups)\n\nJERRY\nOh, you dig?\n\nGEORGE\nYes! I see enormous potential here.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\n(George pours two cups of milk)\n\nGEORGE\nBecause great couples always have a\ngreat story about how they met.\n\nThat's why I've never been in a long term relationship. I've\nnever had a\n\ngood meeting story.\n\nJERRY\nI wonder if I'm nuts for pursuing this\nwoman at all.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't think so.\n\nJERRY\nLook, she slammed into a parked car!\nShe took no responsibility for\n\nmutilating the property of a stranger, then she sped off like\na criminal!\n\n(Jerry takes a drink of his milk while both remain silent)\n\nJERRY\nOn the other hand, does that mean she\nshould never be allowed to date\n\nagain? You scratch one car and you're forbidden to have social\ncontact for\n\nthe rest of your life?!\n\n(Jerry looks at his cup in disgust)\n\nJERRY\nWhat am I drinking, milk?\n\n(Elaine enters, hanging up her jacket)\n\nELAINE\nHey!\n\nJERRY\nHi.\n\n(Elaine tosses a sweater to Jerry)\n\nELAINE\nSweater.\n\nJERRY\nThank you.\n\nELAINE\nSo? What happened?\n\n(Jerry starts walking away)\n\nJERRY\nWith that?\n\nELAINE\nWith the car!\n\nJERRY\nWhat car?\n\nELAINE\nThe hit and run!\n\nJERRY\nOh, right, right, right, right, right,\nright, right, the hit and run.\n\nWell. Actually, the guy went into Queens.\n\nELAINE\nQueens?! You followed him over the bridge?\n\nJERRY\nOver the bridge. (Making a pointing\nmotion with his hand)\n\n(George walks out of the kitchen)\n\nGEORGE\nOh, well I didn't know you went into\nQueens Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, Queens.\n\nELAINE\nSo? Then what?\n\nJERRY\nSo he gets out of the car, I say, \"Hey\nbuddy! I saw you hit that\n\ncar!\" So he says to me, \"What are ya gonna do about it?\"\n\n(Elaine gasps)\n\nJERRY\nSo I said to him, \"Whatever's necessary.\"\n\n(Elaine stutters with her mouth open in amazement)\n\nELAINE\nI am speechless. I am without speech.\n\nGEORGE\nTell her about the shoving.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\n(George smiles pointing at him)\n\nELAINE\nWhat shoving?!\n\nJERRY\nOh, it was nothing.\n\nGEORGE\nNo! Tell her.\n\n(Jerry looks at George with a grin)\n\nJERRY\nWell he kinda lost his temper, and he\nwas pushing me up against the\n\ncar. So I went into a karate stance. (Jerry assumes karate position\nand does\n\ntwo punches)\n\nELAINE\nYou know karate??\n\nJERRY\nI know a little.\n\nELAINE\nWell, this is so, amazing to me! Jerry\nwhat did he do?\n\nJERRY\nHe backed off. Pretty pathetic actually.\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nHey! (Group does likewise)\n\nELAINE\nDid you tell Kramer?\n\nJERRY\nAh, nah! (Waving his hand and walking\naway)\n\nKRAMER\nWhat? What? What? Tell me.\n\nELAINE\nJerry saw this guy crash into a car,\nand he followed him.\n\n(Jerry looks at Kramer and raises both his arms smiling)\n\nKRAMER\nGood for you! What kind of a sick lowlife\nwould do a thing like\n\nthat? You know those people, you know they're mentally disturbed.\n(Pointing\n\na finger at Jerry)\n\nKRAMER\nThey should be sent to Australia.\n\n(Jerry has a confused look)\n\nJERRY\nAustralia?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah, that's where England used\nto send their convicts.\n\nJERRY\nBut not any more.\n\nKRAMER\nNo.\n\n(Everyone pauses and looks at Kramer)\n\nELAINE\nHey Kramer, Kramer!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah?\n\nELAINE\nWhat happened to you right here? (She's\npointing to her forehead)\n\nKRAMER\nI don't know!\n\n(Jerry smiles and shakes his head)\n\nKRAMER\nYou know I was watching Entertainment\nTonight, and uh, suddenly I\n\ngot dizzy. And the next thing I know I hit my head on the coffee\ntable.\n\n(Elaine has a look of surprise)\n\nELAINE\nWell, that is, that is strange.\n\nKRAMER\nYep. (Mumbles off)\n\n(Elaine walks toward door)\n\nELAINE\nAlright, oh Jerry, we're still on for\nFriday night, right?\n\nJERRY\nOh Friday, I can't, I'm sorry, I have\na date.\n\n(Elaine closes door and walks back toward Jerry)\n\nELAINE\nBut last night you said you were free!\n(Sounding very disappointed)\n\nJERRY\nWe just met.\n\n(Kramer is tapping his temple with his finger)\n\nKRAMER\nMaybe it was a reaction to the sardines.\n\nELAINE\nBut I, I can't go alone!\n\nJERRY\nAsk George to go with you.\n\nELAINE\nGeorge, come on! I'll pay for you.\n\nGEORGE\nYou'll pay? I'm there.\n\nJERRY\nWhy do you even need anybody?\n\nELAINE\nBecause I hate being at a table alone,\nwith a married couple.\n\nTalking about their married friends, and their married furniture.\nThey're\n\nalways trying to make me feel like their life is so much better\nthan mine.\n\nYou know, I have a very exciting life. It's very exciting. (As\nshe's closing\n\nthe door to leave)\n\n(Scene moves to restaurant with Elaine, George, and the married\ncouple,\n\nMichael and Robin, sitting down talking, George is mainly focused\non eating\n\nhis meal)\n\nROBIN\nYou went out with a bullfighter?\n\nELAINE\nYes, well, an ex-bullfighter now.\n\nMICHAEL\nWow.\n\nROBIN\nWhat was his name?\n\nELAINE\nHis name? Name, um, his name was uh,\nuh, Eduardo Carochio.\n\n(George points across the table)\n\nGEORGE\nPass the salt please.\n\nROBIN\nWhere did you meet him?\n\nELAINE\nUm, actually, I met him in Switzerland,\nand he was fighting uh, is\n\nthat the word they use? Fighting? Because they don't really fight\nthe\n\nbull, they avoid fighting the bull.\n\n(Elaine and couple laugh, George points at the bread)\n\nGEORGE\nBread.\n\n(Elaine hands bread to George)\n\nELAINE\nI just love meeting new people. You\nknow that's how you really do\n\nlearn about life.\n\n(Robin sneezes, no one says anything, George lifts his head and\nlooks at\n\nMichael)\n\nGEORGE\nGod bless you.\n\n(Robin smiles)\n\nROBIN\nThank you.\n\nGEORGE\nI wasn't going to say anything, but\nthen I could see that he wasn't\n\ngoing to open his mouth. (Chuckles)\n\n(Michael stops pouring wine and looks seriously at George)\n\n(Scene moves to Jerry's car, where Jerry and hit-and-run woman\nare both\n\neating an ice cream cones)\n\nWOMAN\nYou know who's a good actor? Anthony\nQuinn.\n\nJERRY\nOh, Anthony Quinn, fine actor. But from\nwhat I understand, not a very\n\ngood driver. Hits everything on the road. But always leaves a\nnote.\n\nWOMAN\nDid you ever see Zorba the Greek?\n\nJERRY\nExcellent film. In fact Quinn said he\nnever felt so good as when he\n\nleft a note after smacking into a car.\n\n(Woman touches Jerry's hair, smiling)\n\nWOMAN\nCome here.\n\n(Scene moves back to restaurant where an argument has developed\nbetween\n\nMichael and George)\n\nGEORGE\nReally, I was, I was only kidding around.\n\nROBIN\nHe was only joking Michael.\n\n(Michael throws down his serviette)\n\nMICHAEL\nYou think you're so damn special because\nyou say 'God bless you'?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no, I don't think I'm special. My\nmother always said I'm not\n\nspecial.\n\nROBIN\nHe was only joking Michael! Sorry.\n\nMICHAEL\nAll right! Take his side!\n\nROBIN\nI am not taking his side.\n\nMICHAEL\nWell who's side are you taking?!\n\nROBIN\nWell I'm not taking your side!\n\n(Robin sneezes, George gestures to Michael that the floor is\nhis)\n\n(Scene moves back to Jerry's car, where Jerry and the hit-and-run\nwoman are\n\nnow kissing)\n\nJERRY\nKirk Douglas. Now there's another very\nbad driver. But he's such an\n\nunbelievable guy, that when he hits someone, he doesn't even\nleave a note.\n\nHe sits in his car and waits for the other person to show up\nso he can\n\nexchange license, registration, and apologize.\n\n(Woman pulls Jerry back in and starts kissing him again)\n\n(Scene moves back to Jerry apartment with George talking outside\nJerry room,\n\nwhere Jerry is)\n\nGEORGE\nI said 'God bless you'. Was that so\nwrong?\n\nJERRY\nThe question is, did you allow a space\nfor the husband to come in\n\nwith his 'God bless you'? Because as the husband, he has the\nright to first\n\nrefusal.\n\n(George makes a confused look. The intercom buzzes, Jerry walks\nover and\n\npresses the button)\n\nELAINE\nIt's me.\n\nJERRY\nCome on up.\n\n(Jerry unlocks door, conversation moves into kitchen)\n\nGEORGE\nYes, yes, I definitely waited. But let\nme say this: Once he passes\n\non that option, that 'God bless you' is up for grabs.\n\nJERRY\nNo argument. Unless, she's one of these\nmultiple sneezers, and he's\n\nholding his 'God bless you' in abeyance, until she completes\nthe series.\n\nGEORGE\nWell I don't think she is a multiple\nsneezer, because she sneezed\n\nagain later, and it was also a single.\n\nJERRY\nWhat if she's having an off night?\n\n(Elaine walks in, Jerry goes to sit down on sofa)\n\nELAINE\nHi!\n\nJerry. Hi.\n\n(Elaine takes her coat off and walks into kitchen)\n\nELAINE\nWell! If it isn't mister gesuntheit!\n\n(George walks out of kitchen)\n\nGEORGE\nOh ya, like there's something wrong\nwith saying 'God bless you'. I\n\nwas raised to say 'God bless you'.\n\n(Jerry sneezes)\n\nGEORGE\nAh, shut up.\n\nELAINE\nWhat does it mean anyway? 'God bless\nyou'. It's a stupid\n\n'stuperstition'.\n\n(Elaine sits on sofa, George sits on arm of sofa)\n\nJERRY\nA stupid what?\n\n(Elaine looks at Jerry)\n\nELAINE\nWhatever.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, if you want to make a person\nfeel better after they sneeze,\n\nyou shouldn't say 'God bless you', you should say, 'You're soo\ngood\n\nlookin\".\n\n(Elaine nods, George rolls his eyes)\n\nELAINE\nYeah, yeah, that's better than 'God\nbless you'. Anyway, she left a\n\nmessage on my machine, she wants you to call her.\n\nGEORGE\nWho?\n\nELAINE\nRobin!\n\n(George looks quickly at Elaine)\n\nGEORGE\nWhy?!\n\nELAINE\nWell I assumed she called to apologize,\nthat's why she called me.\n\n(George stands up)\n\nJERRY\nEntertainment Tonight's on.\n\nGEORGE\nWhere's the remote phone?\n\nJERRY\nBedroom.\n\n(George walks toward Jerry's bedroom)\n\nELAINE\nHey, grab Jerry's sweater for me, would\nyou?\n\n(Theme music plays on TV, Kramer walks in, waves at Jerry and\nElaine, then\n\nwalks over to Jerry's bookshelf, dancing to the music. Voice\nof Mary Hart\n\nstarts on TV and Kramer starts having a wild seizure behind the\nsofa.)\n\nJERRY\nWhat's it like out?\n\n(Kramer continues to shake behind sofa)\n\nELAINE\nChilly out.\n\nJERRY\nCan I take a sweater?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, you can take a sweater if you\nwant to.\n\nJERRY\nScarf?\n\nELAINE\nNah, hey, shut this off, shut it off.\n\n(Jerry and Elaine finally notice Kramer as he finishes)\n\nJERRY\nWhat's the matter? What's going on?\n\n(Kramer is looking around like he's lost)\n\nKRAMER\nWhat happened?!\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nI think I hit my head again!\n\nJERRY\nWhat is wrong?!\n\n(Elaine is pointing at the TV)\n\nELAINE\nHey, hey, wait a minute! Let me ask\nyou something. Kramer, the last\n\ntime you hit your head, was Mary Hart on TV?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\n(Elaine claps her hands together then stands up)\n\nELAINE\nThat is it!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\n(Elaine walks toward Kramer pointing her finger at him)\n\nELAINE\nThat is it! Mary Hart's voice, don't\nyou see? There's something\n\nabout Mary Hart's voice that's giving you seizures. Just like,\njust like,\n\njust like that woman in Albany!\n\n(George walks out of Jerry's bedroom toward kitchen, Kramer sits\ndown)\n\nKRAMER\nMary Hart!\n\nGEORGE\nGod.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nWell she apologized, and then she wanted\nto know if we could get\n\ntogether Wednesday afternoon.\n\nJERRY\nGet together?\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe she just wants to talk to me?\n\nELAINE\nMarried women don't 'get together'.\nThey have affairs.\n\n(George walks to other side of sofa)\n\nGEORGE\nOh my God, an affair. That's so adult.\nIt's like with stockings and\n\nmartinis, and William Holden. On the other hand it probably wouldn't\ncost me\n\nany money.\n\n(George sits on chair)\n\nELAINE\nAre you actually considering this?\n\nGEORGE\nI can't have an affair with a married\nwoman, that's despicable!\n\nELAINE\nYeah, it's like hitting a car and driving\naway without leaving a\n\nnote.\n\n(Jerry moves around sofa as if uncomfortable)\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\n(Kramer walks out of washroom)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, you know who owns that car?\n\nJERRY\nWhat car?\n\nKRAMER\nThe one that was hit a couple of nights\nago.\n\nJERRY\nYeah who?\n\nKRAMER\nThat blond across the street. You know\nthe one with the long\n\nponytail, she wears those blue sweatpants.\n\n(Jerry stands up and walks toward kitchen)\n\nJERRY\nThe blond with the blue sweatpants!\nYeah, I think I've seen her.\n\n(Elaine nods, smiling)\n\nELAINE\nWell I've got to get going. I'm meeting\na guy with grey sweatpants.\n\n(Elaine walks out door, Kramer follows)\n\nKRAMER\nWait, wait, wait, how do you know it's\nnot John Tesh?\n\n(Jerry closes door behind them, then runs over to George very\nexcited)\n\nJERRY\nThe blond with the blue sweatpants!\n\nGEORGE\nWell, who is she?\n\nJERRY\nI've had a crush on this woman for year!\nI've always been afraid to\n\napproach her! She looks like she belongs on one of these Hallmark\ncards.\n\nGEORGE\nOh right, right! The blue sweatpants!\nGees, it's too bad you can't\n\nsay anything because of Angela.\n\n(Jerry sits down, disgruntled, flips aimlessly through a magazine)\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah. Too bad. Angela. Lousy thug.\nI mean what kind of sick person\n\ndoes something like that? That woman belongs in prison! I mean,\nI actually\n\nowe it to society to do something about this! I can't sit by\nand allow this\n\nto go on. It's a moral issue is what it is!\n\n(Jerry and George are both pointing their fingers at each other)\n\nGEORGE\nYou can't compromise your principles!\n\nJERRY\nHow am I going to live with myself?!\n\nGEORGE\nCan't live!\n\nJERRY\nI'm not religious, but I certainly know\nwhere to draw the line!\n\nGEORGE\nThis country needs more people like\nyou!\n\nJERRY\nDon't sell yourself short saying 'God\nbless you' to every Tom, Dick\n\nand Harry in great personal risk.\n\nGEORGE\nI believe strongly in that as you know.\n\nJERRY\nThere should be more people like us.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's why the world's in the shape\nit's in.\n\nJERRY\nYou're telling me.\n\n(Jerry and George both flip pages simultaneously and start reading\ntheir\n\nmagazines)\n\n(Scene moves to apartment across street, where Jerry is talking\nto the girl\n\nwith the blue sweatpants, Becky Gelke, outside her door)\n\nJERRY\nAnyway, I just wanted you to know, that\nI'm going to do everything I\n\ncan to make sure the party responsible is made to be responsible\nor\n\nsomething very close to that.\n\n(Becky touches Jerry's arm, smiling)\n\nBECKY\nWell God bless you.\n\n(Jerry pauses)\n\nJERRY\nThank you very much.\n\n(Scene moves to George's apartment, where George and Robin are\ntogether in\n\nbed)\n\nGEORGE\nOh my God. I must be crazy. What have\nI done?\n\nROBIN\nOh no, what's wrong?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong.\nI just committed adultery!\n\nROBIN\nYou didn't commit adultery, I did.\n\nGEORGE\nOh yeah.\n\nROBIN\nIf I didn't do it with you, I would\nhave done it with someone else.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I wouldn't want you to do that.\nYou know there's a lot of\n\nlosers out there.\n\nROBIN\nMaybe even someone who didn't say 'God\nbless you'.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, that's a given.\n\nROBIN\nIn three years with Michael, not one\n'God bless you'.\n\nGEORGE\nMust be hell living in that house.\n\n(Scene moves to Elaine's apartment, where she is talking on the\nphone to\n\nMichael)\n\nMICHAEL\nHi, it's Michael.\n\nELAINE\nHi, Michael!\n\nMICHAEL\nIs Robin there?\n\nELAINE\nRobin? No, why?\n\nMICHAEL\nUh, she said she was going to be with\nyou.\n\nELAINE\nNo I haven't spoken to her all day-uh,\nyeah right, um, as a matter\n\nof fact, um, she was here, and she uh, left a note, but I wasn't\nhere, but I\n\nhave the note, uh, right here.\n\n(Elaine sits on the couch and crumples newspaper into the phone)\n\nMICHAEL\nIf she's not with you, then where is\nshe?\n\nELAINE\nWell I, I don't know.\n\nMICHAEL\nIs she with your bald friend from the\nother night?!\n\nELAINE\nNo, no, come on Michael!\n\nMICHAEL\nHe's finished! I'm going to sew his\nass to his face! I'm going to\n\ntwist his neck so hard his lips will be his eyebrows! I'm going\nto break his\n\njoints, and reattach them!\n\n(Michael sneezes)\n\nELAINE\nYou're soo good lookin'.\n\n(Scene moves back to Jerry's apartment, where Jerry and Angela\nare talking\n\nby the sofa)\n\nANGELA\nNow you listen to me, suck face! You\ntell anybody, anything, and I\n\nwill carve my initials in your brain tissue!\n\nJERRY\nLet me rephra-\n\nANGELA\nI'll bash your skull into a vegematic\nlike a bad cabbage, and I'll\n\nhave a party on your head!\n\n(Elaine walks in)\n\nJERRY\nHi Elaine, this is Angela.\n\nANGELA\nI'll pluck all your body hairs out with\nmy teeth!\n\n(Jerry walks past her away from the kitchen)\n\nJERRY\nWell I think I get the gist of it.\n\nANGELA\nSo you don't say anything to anybody\nabout me hitting that car!\n\n(Jerry shrugs)\n\nJERRY\nWhat car?\n\n(Jerry hands Angela her purse)\n\nANGELA\nGood. I'm glad we understand each other.\n\nJERRY\nIt's not complicated.\n\n(Angela walks out and down hall, Elaine waves)\n\nELAINE\nVery nice meeting you!\n\n(Intercom buzzes, Elaine hits button while walking toward Jerry)\n\nELAINE\nCome on up.\n\n(Elaine laughs)\n\nELAINE\nWell, well, well, Mr. Seinfeld! That\nmust have been so frightening!\n\nWhen you confronted that guy, in Queens! Now, let's just see\nif I've got\n\nthis scenario right.\n\nJERRY\nAlright Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nNo, no, no, no, no. Because I'm picturing\n'French Connection', kind\n\nof thing. You know? Sort of a Popeye Doyle chase through the\ncity!\n\nJERRY\nIt was just a couple of blocks.\n\n(Elaine takes cup from Jerry and sets it on counter)\n\nELAINE\nOh no, no, come on. Don't be so modest!\n\n(George walks in open door, and into kitchen. Elaine walks toward\nhim, Jerry\n\ngoes to washroom)\n\nGEORGE\nHey.\n\nELAINE\nOh, did you check you machine?\n\n(George takes glass from cupboard)\n\nGEORGE\nNo, why, what's happening?\n\nELAINE\nMichael called me today, and he asked\nme where Robin was.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, okay.\n\nELAINE\nAnd I said I hadn't seen her.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?!\n\nELAINE\nNo, no George! You don't understand!\nShe didn't tell me she was\n\nusing me as an excuse! Okay?! But then I realized what was going\non, and I\n\nsaid that she left a note. Um, but he didn't really buy that.\nAnd then, and\n\nthen he did mention your name.\n\nGEORGE\nHe mentioned my name?! What did he say?!\n\nELAINE\nHe said he was going to sew your ass\nto your face.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat? Why couldn't you think of something?!\n\nELAINE\nWell I don't know, he caught me off\nguard!\n\nGEORGE\nYou lie! How hard is it to lie?!\n\n(Jerry walks back from washroom)\n\nJERRY\nIt's not that hard.\n\n(Elaine points finger at George)\n\nELAINE\nWell who told you to sleep with her\nGeorge?!\n\nGEORGE\nIt's not my fault! I wasn't going to\ndo anything until you got her\n\nall juiced up with your story about having the affair with the\nmatador!\n\nELAINE\nOh Gosh! None of this would never have\nhappened if you wouldn't have\n\nsaid 'God bless you'!\n\nGEORGE\nOh don't-\n\n(Jerry raises his arms)\n\nJERRY\nHold it! Hold it! Hold it people! Matador?\nWhat matador?\n\nGEORGE\nShe told this couple she had an affair\nwith a matador.\n\nJERRY\nA matador! Well, well, well. Uno momento\npor favor. Pray tell, what\n\nwas the young man's name?\n\nELAINE\nUh, Eduardo, uh, Carochio.\n\n(Jerry uses hand towel to mimic matador)\n\nJERRY\nEduardo, Carochio! That's good. That's\nvery good. Kind of just rolls\n\nof the tongue. I wonder where on the upper west side a single\ngirl might\n\nmeet a matador? Perhaps Zabars? Or Ray's Pizza!\n\n(Scene moves to Becky's apartment, where Jerry is talking to\nher outside her\n\ndoor)\n\nJERRY\nAnyway, this person told me to tell\nyou to get an estimate on the\n\ndamage.\n\nBECKY\nWell, I already got an estimate. It's\n$875.\n\nJERRY\n$875?\n\nBECKY\nThat's right.\n\nJERRY\nUh, well, I'll tell you what. Um, I'll\ngive you a check, and then\n\nthis person can pay me back.\n\n(Jerry takes out checkbook, and start writing)\n\nJERRY\nUm, who do I make it out to?\n\nBECKY\nBecky Gelke. G-E-L-K-E.\n\nJERRY\nSo, what are you doing this weekend?\n\n(Jerry hands check to Becky)\n\nBECKY\nYou have got some nerve! You smash up\nmy car, you don't admit it, and\n\nnow you want to ask me out on a date?\n\nJERRY\nI didn't do it!\n\nBECKY\nYeah righ-\n\n(Becky sneezes)\n\nJERRY\nYou are soo good lookin'.\n\n(Becky closes door)\n\nBECKY\nThank you.\n\n(Scene moves to Jerry's apartment where Jerry is changing in\nbedroom and\n\nGeorge is looking out window)\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, let's go! You ready?\n\n(Jerry walks out of bedroom)\n\nJERRY\nYou sure you want to do this? I'm going\nto be on the road for three\n\nweeks!\n\nGEORGE\nExcuse me, I've got a maniac stalking\nme, I'm not staying in the\n\ncity.\n\nJERRY\nAlright!\n\n(George put his bag over his shoulder)\n\nGEORGE\nCome on let's get out of here.\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nHow could you?\n\nJERRY\nWhat?!\n\nKRAMER\nMan! I never thought you were capable\nof this!\n\nJERRY\nWhat did I do?\n\nKRAMER\nI just talked to Becky Gelke outside,\nshe told me how you hit and\n\nran.\n\nJERRY\nI-\n\nKRAMER\nI don't even want to look at you anymore!\nAll these years of\n\nfriendship and you're nothing but a felon. You're an embarrassment\nto the\n\nbuilding.\n\nJERRY\nI didn't do it! I just had to pay her\nto cover for somebody else!\n\nKRAMER\nNow you're not going to lie to me, are\nyou?\n\n(Jerry is putting on sweater)\n\nJERRY\nNo, never.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright. Well. Glad we got that straightened\nout because I've got a\n\ndate with her.\n\nJERRY\nYou got a date with Becky Gelke?!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, going out with her Saturday night.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, can we get out of here?!\n\nKRAMER\nAs a matter of fact, if it wasn't for\nyou, I wouldn't have even had\n\nan excuse to talk to her.\n\nJERRY\nWell I'm happy to help, in any way that\nI can.\n\n(Jerry yanks coat out of George's hands)\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Letter.html",
    "text": "THE LETTER\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David\n\n(Nina's art studio. Kramer is posing for Nina (Jerry's current\ngirlfriend.)\n\nNINA\n(laughing) Kramer, would you hold still?\nI can't do this if you keep\n\nmoving.\n\nKRAMER\nYou sure you don't want me to take my\nclothes off? (beat) I'll do it!\n\nNINA\nNo, that's the last thing in the world\nI want you to do.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, why don't you take your clothes\noff?\n\nNINA\nI don't know... I don't think Jerry\nwould like that.\n\nKRAMER\n(debonair smile) Well, it'd be our little\nsecret.\n\nJerry's apartment)\n\nGEORGE\n(bursting out of the bathroom, fumbling\nwith his fly) Button fly!\n\nWhy do they put buttons on a fly? It takes ten minutes to get\nthese\n\nthings open!\n\nJERRY\nI like the button fly.\n\nGEORGE\n(incredulous) What?\n\nJERRY\nThat is one place on my wardrobe I do\nnot need sharp interlocking\n\nmetal teeth. It's like a mink trap down there. (beat) What are\nyou\n\ndoing today?\n\nGEORGE\nNothing.\n\nJERRY\nI have to go meet Nina. Want to come\nup to her lot, check out her\n\npaintings?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't get art.\n\nJERRY\nThere's nothing to get.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, it always has to be explained\nto me, and then I have to have\n\nsomeone explain the explanation.\n\nJERRY\nShe does a lot of abstract stuff. In\nfact she's painting Kramer\n\nright now.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat for?\n\nJERRY\nShe sees something in him.\n\nGEORGE\nSo do I, but I wouldn't hang it on a\nwall.\n\nNina's studio again--same scene)\n\nKRAMER\nAre you getting the eyes? 'Cause they're\nbrown. (beat) Or, really,\n\nthey're dark brown, like rich, Columbian coffee.\n\nNINA\nTell me about Elaine.\n\nKRAMER\nShe and Jerry were a big thing, like\nAbe Lincoln and Mary Todd.\n\nNINA\nBut, they're still friends.\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah, they're like this (holds up\ntwo fingers together).\n\nNINA\nDon't you think that's strange?\n\nKRAMER\nWhy, what's the difference?\n\nNINA\nWell, are you still friends with any\nof your ex-girlfriends?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you know... I, uh... have many\nrelationships.\n\nthe door outside Nina's studio)\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, I'm a little nervous.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, you know... the friend meeting\nthe new woman. I feel like I'm\n\ngetting fixed up for a friendship.\n\nJERRY\nI don't know how long this is gonna\nlast.\n\nGEORGE\nReally? I thought you liked her.\n\nJERRY\nI do... she's got like a jealousy thing.\nShe doesn't like me having\n\nfun with anyone but her. (knocks on the door)\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, it's a miracle you're not\nmarried. (beat) Hey, I'm not\n\nobligated to buy anything, am I?\n\n(Nina opens the door)\n\nJERRY\nHi, Nina. (smooch) This is my friend\nGeorge.\n\nNINA\nHow nice to meet you, I've heard a lot\nabout you. (George nods)\n\nJERRY\n(walking over to where Kramer is posing)\nHey, look at this guy!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah!\n\nJERRY\n(to Nina) I brought George up to see\nsome of your paintings.\n\nNINA\nOh, are you interested?\n\nGEORGE\n(looking uncomfortable) Um... yeah!\nSure, sure I'm interested.\n\nKRAMER\nGeorge, you gonna buy a painting?\n\nGEORGE\n(gritting teeth) Yeah, sure.\n\nNINA\nAre you an art-lover?\n\nGEORGE\nI am an art-adorer! I adore art.\n\nNINA\nGreat! Well, take a look around. Pick\nout something you like.\n\n(George reluctantly begins to look around, while Jerry strolls\nover to\n\nthe painting-in-progress (Kramer) and picks up a brush.)\n\nJERRY\nMay I? (pantomimes making a big \"X\"\nacross the painting)\n\nNINA\n(laughing) Get outta here! (beat) Here,\nplay with this. (hands\n\nJerry a small white envelope)\n\nJERRY\nWhat's this?\n\nNINA\nMy father gave me four tickets to the\nYankee game for Saturday\n\nafternoon. Owner's box, first row behind the dugout.\n\nJERRY\n(sincerely disappointed) Oh, Saturday...\nI'm working, I'm going\n\nout of town.\n\nNINA\nOh, well. I'm not gonna go without you.\nDo you guys want 'em?\n\nKRAMER\n(immediately) Yeah.\n\nJERRY\nThey're right behind the dugout, George,\nfirst row!\n\nGEORGE\nBehind the dugout, are you kidding?\nHow did you get them?\n\nNINA\nOh, my father's the Yankees accountant...\nit's the owner's box.\n\nGEORGE\nAll my life I've dreamed of sitting\nfront row, behind the dugout!\n\nNINA\n(gesturing towards a small, ugly painting\nGeorge was apparently look-\n\ning at and happens to be holding) You like that one?\n\nSaturday, the game. George, Kramer,\nand Elaine are being lead\n\nto their seats)\n\nGEORGE\nLook at where we are! (referring to\nthe seat usher) He's not\n\nstopping! He just keeps going and going and going! (the usher\n\nabruptly stops at the second row) We're not in the first row?\n\nUSHER\nNo, no, these are your seats.\n\nGEORGE\nShe said first row! Right behind the\ndugout!\n\nELAINE\nWell, it's the second row. It's just\nas good.\n\nGEORGE\nI was all primed for the first row;\nI was gonna put my feet up\n\non the dugout!\n\nELAINE\nWould you shut up? These are great!\nYou can't get any better than\n\nthis.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, there's better, (pointing at the\nrow in front of them) right\n\nthere, that's better.\n\nKRAMER\nRight. (Elaine giggles) Oh boy... okay,\nwho wants a dog? (Kramer\n\nhands out the hot dogs)What a great day!\n\nELAINE\nI could've been at my boss' son's bris\nright now.\n\nGEORGE\n(amused) You're supposed to do that?\n\nELAINE\n(shrugs) Yeah. (beat) What makes you\nthink anyone would want to\n\ngo to a circumcision?\n\nGEORGE\nI'd rather go to a hanging.\n\nELAINE\nAnyway, I called him back... I told\nhim I had to go visit my father\n\nin the hospital in Maryland. (George laughs)\n\nKRAMER\n(screaming at the players on the field)\nYOU BETTER CATCH IT,\n\nJOHNNY, 'CAUSE THIS AIN'T PHILIDELPHIA!!\n\n(a man approaches the trio)\n\nMAN\nGeorge?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah?\n\nMAN\nHi. I'm Leonard West, Nina's father.\n\nGEORGE\nHi! Mr. West, this is my friend Elaine--\n\nELAINE\nHi!\n\nKRAMER\n(screaming again) HEY, 230 AIN'T GONNA\nCUT IT IN THIS TOWN, BABE!\n\nGEORGE\n--and this is Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, hey.\n\n(the Yankees make a good play, the crowd applauds)\n\nWEST\nSo how are the seats?\n\nGEORGE\nOkay.\n\nELAINE\nGreat, great.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nWEST\nGeorge, I heard you bought one of Nina's\npaintings.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, it's being framed right now. I\ndon't even know what it costs.\n\n(beat) Not, uh, too expensive, is it?\n\nWEST\nWell, if you have a lot of money.\n\n(Yankees make a horrible play, the crowd responds)\n\nWEST\n(leaving) Well, enjoy the game. (beat\n-- to Elaine) I think you\n\nbetter take off that Orioles cap.\n\nELAINE\n(thinking he's joking) Yeah. I better!\n\nWEST\nNo, no, no. Seriously. You're in the\nowner's box, and I don't\n\nthink it's a good idea.\n\nELAINE\nYou're not serious.\n\nWEST\nYes, yes, yes, I am!\n\nELAINE\nWell, did he say that?\n\nWEST\nNo, no, but he gave me the seats. I\ndon't think he'd like it if\n\nyou wore an Orioles cap.\n\nELAINE\nWell maybe you should ask him!\n\nWEST\nI don't have to ask him! Now are you\ngonna take the hat off or\n\nnot?\n\nELAINE\nNo! I don't have to take it off, why\nshould I take it off? This\n\nis ridiculous!!\n\nGEORGE\nJust take the cap off.\n\nELAINE\nGeorge, we are at a baseball game! This\nis America!\n\nWEST\nLook. Either you take the cap off, or\nyou'll have to leave.\n\nELAINE\nWell, I don't care, I'm not taking it\noff.\n\nGEORGE\nJust take the cap off!\n\nELAINE\nNo!\n\n(a fight starts between Elaine and George; Elaine ends up taking\noff\n\nGEORGE'S hat, and throwing it onto the field... West calls security\n\nover, they proceed to remove Elaine)\n\nKRAMER\nHey! Just wait a minute. We just got\nhere!\n\nGEORGE\n(to Elaine) Do you want us to go with\nyou?\n\nKRAMER\n(getting up) I'll go get your hat, George.\n\nELAINE\n(sarcastically, to George) Stay!\n\nGEORGE\nOkay, we'll go!\n\n(meanwhile Kramer is climbing over the dugout retrieve George's\ncap... the\n\ncamera cuts to the field where the batter hits a pop fly to where\nKramer\n\nIS\nthe ball knocks him squarely in the\nhead, he falls off the dugout onto\n\nthe crowd)\n\nEND OF ACT 1\n\n=============================================================================\n\nACT 2\n\n(Jerry's apartment--day)\n\nELAINE\n...and then the ball hits him in the\nhead and he falls right over\n\nthe railing!\n\nJERRY\nIs he okay?\n\nELAINE\nWell, yeah, he's fine! We took him to\nthe emergency room, and you\n\nknow, the x-rays were all negative. (beat) It was quite a day!\n\nJERRY\nThis is the most amazing story I've\never heard--why did he want you\n\nto take off the baseball cap? That is so insane!\n\nELAINE\nI know! Can you imagine that?\n\n(Kramer enters with a bandage wrapper around his forehead)\n\nJERRY\nHow you feeling?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.\n(beat--holds up newspaper) Hey,\n\nwe made the paper. Eh? Look at this- page 2, sports section...\nwe're\n\nall in the picture.\n\nELAINE\nWha- a picture?\n\nKRAMER\nA picture.\n\nELAINE\nOUR PICTURE'S IN THERE??\n\nKRAMER\nUh-huh.\n\n(they all crowd around, looking at the picture)\n\nELAINE\n(gasps) I cannot believe this!\n\nJERRY\n(pointing) There's George!\n\nKRAMER\nYup, yup!\n\nELAINE\nOhmygod! Lippman could see this! He\nthinks I was visiting my father!\n\nOh my g-I make up one little white lie and they put my picture\nin\n\nthe paper!\n\nLippman's office. Lippman is at his\ndesk, Elaine enters.)\n\nELAINE\nHi, Mr. Lippman.\n\nLIPPMAN\nHow's your father?\n\nELAINE\nMy, my father?\n\nLIPPMAN\nYeah. You, you went to see him, right?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nLIPPMAN\nUh-huh.\n\nELAINE\nI went to visit him.\n\nLIPPMAN\nUh-huh. So, what was wrong with him?\n\nELAINE\nWell, you name it, uh, neuritis, uh,\nneuralgia...\n\nLIPPMAN\nBut--but he's feeling better now?\n\nELAINE\nUm, yup. Yes, yes, it just... such a\nmiracle, um. My visit must have\n\nbuoyed (Elaine says \"boyed\") his spirits.\n\nLIPPMAN\n(correcting her) Boo-eed.\n\nELAINE\nWhat--what did I say?\n\nLIPPMAN\nYou said \"boyed.\"\n\nELAINE\nI did?\n\nLIPPMAN\nYeah.\n\n(Elaine starts to laugh hysterically, and at the same time discreetly\nremoves\n\nLippman's sports section from his desk. She manages to maneuver\nit into her\n\nlap, out of sight.)\n\nLIPPMAN\nWell, I got a plane to catch.\n\nELAINE\nOh! Where are you going?\n\nLIPPMAN\nGoing to Houston. It's a publisher's\nconvention. (beat) Can I have\n\nmy sports section?\n\nELAINE\nAh. ...Yeah.\n\nLIPPMAN\nI've been saving it for the plane. I\nnever miss the Sunday sports\n\nsection.\n\nELAINE\nThere's nothing to read, it's just yesterday's\nnews. You know, the\n\nYankees won, the Mets lost, Ricky Henderson's unhappy...\n\nLIPPMAN\nRight, right. (starts to take the paper\nfrom Elaine's hand; Elaine\n\nholds on tight.) What, what are you doing?\n\nELAINE\nWha-- oh! (noticing her hand) Oh, god!\n(laughs) That is the THIRD\n\ntime today I have done that! BLAAAH! (laughs again) Grabbing\nnews-\n\npapers... I'm just tugging at 'em... (laughs)\n\nLIPPMAN\nGotta go.\n\nELAINE\nOkay! Well, you know, have a nice trip,\nand uh... alrighty! (beat)\n\nI'll just hold down the, uh, fort!\n\nNina's studio. Mr. and Mrs. Armstrong\nare admiring Nina's \"Kramer.\")\n\nMRS.ARM\nI sense great vulcrability. A land child\ncrying out for love, an\n\ninnocent orphan in the post-modern world.\n\nMR. ARM\nI see a parasite.\n\nMRS.ARM\nA sexually-depraved miscrient, who is\nseeking to gratify only his\n\nmost basic and immediate urges.\n\nAnother part of the studio where Jerry\nand Nina are arguing.)\n\nNINA\nShe was a guest of my father's. She\nshould've taken the cap off.\n\nJERRY\nIt's preposterous! They ask someone\nto take off a baseball cap\n\nat a baseball game. (beat) How can you defend that?\n\nArmstrongs admiring painting again.)\n\nMRS.ARM\nHe is struggled, he is man-struggled.\nHe lifts my spirit!\n\nMR. ARM\nHe is a loathsome, offensive brute,\nyet I can't look away.\n\nJerry and Nina again.)\n\nJERRY\nLook, I'm really getting tired off all\nthe fighting. Maybe we\n\nshould just end this before we really start hating each other.\n\nNINA\nOh, well, you wouldn't want that because\nyou always have to\n\nremain friends!\n\nJERRY\nWell, I like to remain friends with\npeople I was friends with!\n\nNINA\nHey -- why don't you just go then! And\n-- oh, give this to George.\n\nTell him he owes me $500!\n\nArmstrongs)\n\nMRS.ARM\nHe transcends time and space.\n\nMR. ARM\nHe sickens me.\n\nMRS.ARM\nI love it.\n\nMR. ARM\nMe too.\n\nJerry's apartment.)\n\nGEORGE\nFive-hundred dollars?! What?\n\nJERRY\nThat's what she told me!\n\nGEORGE\nI'm not paying $500 for this! It's a\npiece of junk!\n\nJERRY\nThat's what it costs!\n\nGEORGE\nWhy did you even take it? You broke\nup with her!\n\nJERRY\nI wasn't thinking! I don't know.\n\nGEORGE\nYou weren't thinking.\n\nJERRY\nWell, she framed it and everything.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I'm not buying it. No way. Forget\nit. No way I'm buying this!\n\n(beat) I mean, look at it! What is it? It's a bunch of squiggly\n\nlines! (beat) Are you telling me you couldn't paint this?\n\nJERRY\nDo you want me to paint you something?\nI'd love to paint you some-\n\nthing!\n\nGEORGE\nI'm not paying for this. If you were\ngoing out with her, it'd be a\n\ndifferent story.\n\nKRAMER\n(entering, handing Jerry a piece of\npaper) This was in front of your\n\ndoor.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nHi, Mike.\n\nJERRY\n(looking at the paper) Wow, a letter\nfrom Nina!\n\nKRAMER\n(notices the painting) Whoa, man! That\nis the ugliest thing I've ever\n\nseen!\n\nJERRY\n(reading note) Oh my god!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nThis is amazing, you can't believe this!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's it say?\n\nJERRY\nListen to this: \"I don't know what you\nexpect to find out there,\n\nJerry, you know what you want better than me. But there's one\nthing\n\nI do know. I know I can stand here watching you destroy everything\n\nI've ever wanted in my life, wanting to smash your face with\nmy fists,\n\nbecause you won't make even the slightest effort to offer happiness\n\nand still know that I love you. You mean so much to me that I'm\nwill-\n\ning to take all your abuse and insults and insensitivity.\"\n\nGEORGE\nWOW!\n\nKRAMER\n(emotionally) She's deep.\n\nJERRY\n(reading on) \"...'cause that's what\nyou need to do to prove I'm not\n\ngoing to leave you. I'm sick and tired of running from places\nand\n\npeople and relationships. You want me, that fight for me, becau-\"\n\n(Kramer blows his noes loudly) \"...because I'm sure as hell fighting\n\nfor you!\"\n\nKRAMER\nYou know Jerry, she sounds like a poet!\n\nJERRY\nNo one's ever written me a letter like\nthis. Maybe I was wrong about\n\nher!\n\nKRAMER\n(pushing Jerry towards the phone) Yeah!\nGet in there and give her a\n\ncall. Pick up the phone and call her!\n\nJERRY\nShould I?\n\nKRAMER\n(screaming) YES! YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT YOU\nSHOULD! (hysterically) Fight\n\nfor her, Jerry, she's sure as hell fighting for you!\n\nJERRY\nALL RIGHT, all right! I'll call her.\n\nJerry's apartment, another day. Jerry\nis helping Nina put on her\n\ncoat. The TV is on a horse race.)\n\nJERRY\nSHOT! (the sound of a shot on the TV\nis heard) I told ya! (the inter-\n\ncom buzzes) Yeah?\n\nGEORGE\n(on intercom) It's George.\n\nJERRY\nCome on up. (to Nina) Well, now we gotta\nget a posse together. I love\n\na good posse.\n\nNINA\nWhat's the appeal of the posse?\n\nJERRY\nThe appeal of the posse? The posse has\ntremendous appeal. Get away\n\nfrom the job, camp out, you're with your friends... Come on,\nit's a\n\nweek-long game of hide-and-seek on horseback.\n\n(George enters)\n\nNINA\nHello, George.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, Nina! (beat) I owe you some money,\ndon't I?\n\nNINA\nWell, I really love that piece.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, yeah, me too, me too. Boy oh boy\noh boy...! You know, in fact,\n\nI've been thinking about it, and I feel like I'm stealing from\nyou!\n\nFive-hundred dollars! It's gonna be worth thousands soon! You\nknow\n\nwhat? On second thought, I can't even accept it.\n\nNINA\nNo, no no no, George! A deal's a deal.\nI want you to have it!\n\nGEORGE\nThis could be in a museum some day!\nIt's not safe with me! It should\n\nreally be in a doormanned building.\n\nNINA\nHonestly, George, the money's not important.\n\nGEORGE\nWho said anything about money? (intercom\nbuzzes)\n\nJERRY\nYeah?\n\nELAINE\n(on intercom) It's Elaine.\n\nJERRY\nCome on up.\n\nNINA\nElaine?\n\nJERRY\n...Yeah.\n\nNINA\n(rolling eyes) This person does not\nbelieve in telephones, does she?\n\nJERRY\nShe likes the pop-in. I've told her\nhow I hate the pop-in. (pointing\n\nto George) He likes the pop-in, too.\n\nGEORGE\nI just popped in now. I'm a big pop-in\nguy.\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nHow 'bout Kramer.\n\nJERRY\nHUGE pop-in guy!\n\nNINA\nWell, I was leaving anyway, so, uh,\nwe're on for tomorrow?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nNINA\nOkay.\n\nJERRY\nOkay!\n\nNINA\nBye. (just as Nina is about to leave,\nElaine walks in.)\n\nELAINE\n(to Nina) Hello!\n\n(Nina doesn't respond, just walks past Elaine)\n\nELAINE\n(sarcastic) Chatty gal. (beat) Lippman's\ncoming back tomorrow, I'll\n\nbe fired!\n\nJERRY\nIf he noticed, he would have called\nyou from Houston!\n\nELAINE\nNo, he wants to torture me.\n\nlater on that night. George, Elaine,\nand Jerry are watching TV.\n\nJerry, with the remote, is furiously flipping through channels.)\n\nELAINE\n(annoyed) Oh! Would you gimme the clicker?\nI hate it when you're the\n\nclicker! You go too fast! (Elain makes a grab for the clicker,\ninsti-\n\ngating a tug-o-war between Elaine and Jerry over the clicker)\n\nJERRY\n(tugging at the clicker) I'm a great\nclicker! (gets the clicker back)\n\nGreat instincts. How dare you impune my clicking.\n\nELAINE\nYou're all over the dial! You don't\nknow what you want! I've never\n\nseen you stay on anything for more than 5 seconds. Gimme that.\n\n(another tug-o-war starts)\n\nJERRY\nLet go!\n\nELAINE\nNo, come on! I want it, Jerry!\n\nJERRY\nLet go, Elaine!\n\nELAINE\nWell at least let George do it!\n\nJERRY\nOh, George can't click! (George joins\nin the fight)\n\nGEORGE\n(as Jerry and Elaine continue to whine)\nGive it! Give it! (he finally\n\ngets the remote away from them) Pinheads.\n\n(George starts clicking, the first station he lands on is playing\nNeil Simon's\n\nChapter 2. After a few seconds, George gets bored, and changes\nthe station)\n\nJERRY\nWait, wait a second! Go back, go back\nto that. (they watch it a little\n\nlonger)\n\nELAINE\nIt's Chapter 2, it's Neil Simon.\n\nJERRY\n(on to something) Wait a second... wait\na second!! (he watches the TV\n\nfor another minute) The letter, that's the letter!\n\nELAINE\nWhat letter?\n\nJERRY\nThis is the letter she wrote to me,\nshe stole it right from the movie!\n\n(Jerry get up to go find the letter. A second later, he returns,\nand starts\n\nreading in unison with movie on TV.)\n\nJERRY\n\"...'cause you don't even make the slightest\neffort to offer happiness\n\nstill know that I love you!!\"\n\nGEORGE\nThis is incredible!\n\nJERRY\nI always thought there was something\nfunny about this letter! She cop-\n\nied it right out of Chapter 2! She a thief, a bunko-artist!\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe I won't send her that check.\n\nELAINE\nYou know, it's not really that terrible.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you talking about? She completely\nmisrepresented herself!\n\n(mimicking the letter) I don't offer happiness. I offer happiness!\n\nJames Caan doesn't offer happiness!\n\nLippman's office. Lippman is on the\nphone when Elaine walks in and\n\nplaces something on his desk. After she does, she tries to leave\n\nbut Lippman, still on the phone, motions for her to stay in the\nroom)\n\nLIPPMAN\n(into phone)...yeah, yeah. But she wouldn't\ntake the cap off? (beat)\n\nBut didn't she know they were the owner's seats? (beat) Aw, that's\n\nunbelievable. (beat) Yeah. Okay. Alright Lenny, thanks again.\nTake\n\ncare. (hangs up the phone, and then, to Elaine) That was Lenny\nWest,\n\nmy accountant, who is a hell of a guy. And he handles the Yankees\n\ntoo; it's his biggest account. So every once in a while they\nthrow\n\nhim a couple of seats and last weekend he gave them to his daughter.\n\nShe's an artist, by the way. Anyway, her daughter gives 'em to\nsome\n\nfriends, you know. One of her friends shows up wearing a Baltimore\n\ncap! (beat) You're from Baltimore, right?\n\nELAINE\nUm, oh, it's Townscend, which is NEAR\nBaltimore.\n\nLIPPMAN\nYeah, but you're an Oriole fan, right?\n\nELAINE\nWell, uh, fan. My father--\n\nLIPPMAN\nAnyway, she refused to take the cap\noff; caused a whole big scene!\n\nELAINE\nReally?\n\nLIPPMAN\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nSo... impudent.\n\nLIPPMAN\nYeah, so Lenny gave me the tickets for\ntomorrow night. I'm inviting\n\nFrank and Marsha. 'Wantcha to come.\n\nELAINE\n(pause) Ah. I've-I've got plans, though,\nMr. Li--\n\nLIPPMAN\nWell, break 'em. You missed the bris,\nI want you at the game.\n\nELAINE\n(very reluctant) Okay.\n\nLIPPMAN\nGood. (Elaine stars to leave) Oh--and\nElaine. You know the Baltimore\n\ncap you got in your office? Wear it. I'm gonna have a little\nfun with\n\nhim.\n\nELAINE\nThat will be fun.\n\nNina's studio. Nina is working on a\npainting. Jerry is watching her,\n\nsitting on the sofa.)\n\nJERRY\nHow's it coming?\n\nNINA\nGood, good.\n\nJERRY\nSeen any good movies lately?\n\nNINA\nNo... not really. You?\n\nJERRY\nNo. I like a good comedy. You know,\nlike a Neil Simon? You like Neil\n\nSimon?\n\nNINA\nNeil Simon? Uh, some of his stuff.\n\nJERRY\nI've seen MOST of it. I guess my favorite\nwould have to be, uh...\n\nChapter 2. Have you ever seen that?\n\nNINA\nI don't know... maybe.\n\nJERRY\nI have. Funny, funny. In fact it was\non TV just the other night.\n\nHappened to catch it. (a knock is heard at the door) I couldn't\nhelp\n\nnotice a STUNNING similiarity-- (Jerry is interrupted as Nina\nopens\n\nanswer the door...)\n\nMR. ARM\nWell, we've made our decision. We want\n\"The Kramer.\"\n\nJerry's apartment, night. Jerry and\nGeorge are watching a baseball\n\ngame and talking.)\n\nGEORGE\nFive-thousand? Why would anybody buy\nKramer for $5000? (laughs)\n\nJERRY\nBoy, the Yankees cannot buy a hit tonight!\n\nGEORGE\nSo is it all over between you and...\nMarsha Mason?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. (picks up Nina's painting George\nbought) And by the way, can\n\nyou get this thing outta my house?\n\nGEORGE\nTell you what, I'll make a deal with\nyou. I'll sell it to you right\n\nnow for ten bucks.\n\n(the Yankees announcer is heard on TV)\n\nTVVOICE\nUh, there's seems to be a lot of trouble\nin the area just behind the\n\nYankee dugout.\n\nGEORGE\nBehind the dugout, that's where we were\nsitting the other day.\n\nTVVOICE\nWell, we're not going to show it, we\ndon't want to encourage that kind\n\nof behavior. Say, it's a young lady, and boy she's really going\nat it\n\nwith the security guard. She's a fiesty one. And now they're\ngetting\n\nthe other security guard to come down. How do you like that Seegers?\n\nBoy, she's someting. (beat) And a ball to left field...\"\n\n(Jerry and George look at each other, wondering.)\n\nthe Armstrong's dining room. Mr. and\nMrs. Armstrong are having\n\nKramer over for dinner.)\n\nKRAMER\n...then, when I was seventeen, I ran\naway from home and hopped a\n\nsteamship to Sweden. (beat) This steak is excellent, by the way.\n\nMRS.ARM\nMore potatoes?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, sure. Please.\n\nMR. ARM\nYes, yes. Go on. You hopped a steamship\nto Sweden?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. (beat) And, it was a big one.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Parking-Space.html",
    "text": "THE PARKING SPACE\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David & Greg Daniels\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nAt parking lots now they have these 'compact car only' spots,\nisn't that\n\ndiscrimination against the size of your car? If I want my ass\nhanging out of\n\nthe back of my parking spot, that's my business. There are people\nout there\n\nwith real asses hanging out of their pants, nobody's stopping\nthem. Nobody\n\ngoes, \"Hey, hold it, sir. Those are compact jeans, you can't\npull that in\n\nthere.\"\n\nJerry is in his apartment, Kramer enters.\n\nKRAMER\nHey. I got some bad news for you, buddy.\nI think your car got stolen\n\nagain.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nKRAMER\nWell you parked it on eighty-fourth\nand Columbus, right?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\nYep, well I just walked by there and\nthat car is gone.\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah, I know.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, where is it?\n\nJERRY\nWhat's the difference?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, there's no difference, you know,\nI'm just curious.\n\nJERRY\nYou always have to know everything that's\ngoing on, don't you?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat happened to the car?\n\nJERRY\nIf I don't tell you it will kill you,\nwon't it?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah, it'll kill me.\n\nJERRY\nYou have to know, you must know.\n\nKRAMER\nI must know.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I'm not telling you.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, come on.\n\nJERRY\nNope. I don't think so.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, please?\n\nJERRY\nNot today, pal.\n\nKRAMER\nOkay, I beg you.\n\nJERRY\nNow see? Just saying beg doesn't make\nit a real beg. You gotta put\n\nsome beg into it.\n\nKRAMER\nOkay, please! Please tell me!\n\nJERRY\nAlright, I'll tell you, but your begging\nneeds a lot of work.\n\nKRAMER\nOkay, okay, what is it? Come on.\n\nJERRY\nI loaned the car to George.\n\nKRAMER\nAh, George, alright. Well, what for?\n\nJERRY\nGeorge and Elaine went to a flea market\nin Westchester, okay?!\n\nKRAMER\nAlright.\n\nJERRY\nHuh?\n\nKRAMER\nHuh. I mean, what do they want to go\nthere for?\n\nJERRY\nWill you stop it already?!\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, why didn't they ask me to\ngo?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know! How am I supposed to know?!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat, they don't like me?\n\nJERRY\n*I* don't like you!\n\nKRAMER\nIf they like me, why don't they ask\nme to go? Oh yeah.\n\nGeorge and Elaine are in Jerry's car. George is wearing a new\nhat.\n\nGEORGE\nI really think it looks good.\n\nELAINE\nTen bucks, how can you go wrong?\n\nGEORGE\nAll bald people look good in hats.\n\nELAINE\nYou should have lived in the twenties\nand thirties, you know men wore\n\nhats all the time then.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat a bald paradise that must have\nbeen. Nobody knew.\n\nELAINE\nWell, you can wear a hat all the time\nnow. Who's stopping you?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I can't. What if I meet a woman?\nI'd always be worried about that\n\nfirst moment where I'd take it off and see that look of disappointment\non her\n\nface.\n\nELAINE\nAre you sure you like these sunglasses?\n\nElaine moves the rear view mirror so she can check out her sunglasses\nand this\n\ncauses George to swerve and hit something.\n\nCut back to Kramer and Jerry at Jerry's apartment.\n\nKRAMER\nWell I'm very disappointed in George\nand Elaine. And you know I'm\n\nsomebody you don't want to have on your bad side.\n\nJERRY\nWhy not?\n\nKRAMER\nBecause I'm like ice, buddy. When I\ndon't like you, you've got\n\nproblems. (notices some snacks on the table) Oh, is this for\nthe fight?\n\nJERRY\nYep. (checks watch) Starts in thirty-five\nminutes.\n\nKramer and Jerry start 'sparring'.\n\nKRAMER\nOh hey, you know I invited Mike Moffit.\nYou don't mind, do you?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I like Mike.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I just got off the phone with\nhim, you know we had a great\n\nconversation.\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah? What did you talk about?\n\nKRAMER\nWell actually we talked about you. Yeah.\nHe had some pretty\n\ninteresting things to say.\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah? What did he say?\n\nKRAMER\nYou have to know everything, don't you?\n\nJERRY\nNo, come on, Kramer. What did he say?\n\nKRAMER\nWhy is that? Why do you have to know\neverything?\n\nJERRY\nKramer, just tell me what the guy said.\n\nKRAMER\nBeg me.\n\nJERRY\nPlease, don't make me beg.\n\nKRAMER\nNo no no, I want you to beg me. And\nI don't want you to say it, I just\n\nwant you to put some beg into it. Go on.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, please tell me what the guy\nsaid.\n\nKRAMER\nNo no no, that's no good. No, I really\ndon't think that's a beg. No,\n\nit's close, but uh...\n\nJERRY\nKramer!\n\nKRAMER\nLook, I can't say anything. You know,\nthe guy told me the stuff in\n\nconfidence, I'd be betraying a friend.\n\nJERRY\nWell you can't just mention it and then\nnot tell me.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright. I'll tell you but you can't\nsay anything to him.\n\nJERRY\nI'm not saying anything, I'm putting\nit in the vault, I'm locking the\n\nvault, it's a vault!\n\nKRAMER\nHe thinks you're a phony.\n\nJERRY\nHe what?\n\nKRAMER\nI told you, he thinks you're a phony.\n\nJERRY\nA phony? He called me a phony?\n\nKRAMER\nA big phone. A big one.\n\nJERRY\nWhy did you tell me that if I can't\nsay anything?!\n\nKRAMER\nYou begged me.\n\nCut back to Elaine and George in Jerry's car, the car is now\nmaking a clanking\n\nnoise.\n\nGEORGE\nDo you hear that?\n\nELAINE\nOf course I hear that.\n\nGEORGE\nYou had to move the mirror?\n\nELAINE\nI wanted to check out my sunglasses.\n\nGEORGE\nI went to look in the mirror, it wasn't\nthere. You threw off my\n\nequilibrium.\n\nELAINE\nOh yeah, blame it on me because you\ncan't drive, George.\n\nGEORGE\nI can't drive?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nNobody drives like me. Nobody. I'm doing\nthings in this car, you have\n\nno idea they're going on. Wanna see me make a right turn from\nthe left lane?\n\nWatch this.\n\nELAINE\nNo, I really don't.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd I can make a left turn from the\nright lane too.\n\nELAINE\nI'm sure you could.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are we gonna tell Jerry about the\ncar?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, start looking for spaces.\n\nELAINE\nOh, you're never gonna find a space\non Jerry's block, just put it in a\n\ngarage.\n\nGEORGE\nLook, I have my system. First I look\nfor the dream spot right in front\n\nof the door, then I slowly expand out in concentric circles.\n\nELAINE\nOh come on, George, please put it in\na garage. I don't want to spend\n\nan hour looking for a space.\n\nGEORGE\nI can't park in a garage.\n\nELAINE\nWhy?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know, I just can't. Nobody in\nmy family can pay for parking,\n\nit's a sickness. My father never paid for parking; my mother,\nmy brother,\n\nnobody. We can't do it.\n\nELAINE\nI'll pay for it.\n\nGEORGE\nYou don't understand. A garage. I can't\neven pull in there. It's\n\nlike going to a prostitute. Why should I pay, when if I apply\nmyself, maybe I\n\ncould get it for free? (he hears a horn honking) What? What do\nyou want? Go\n\naround me, I'm looking for spaces.\n\nELAINE\nOh George, there's a space right there!\n\nGEORGE\nOh beautiful! Look at that, the dream\n\nspace right in front of Jerry's building. Huh? Dreams can come\ntrue, what did\n\nI tell you?\n\nELAINE\nYou didn't even have to take it out\nto dinner.\n\nThey share a laugh.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, now you're gonna see some parallel\nparking. (spitting into\n\nhis hands and rubbing them together) How I wish you could make\na living\n\nparallel parking. (turning around in his seat) It's all geometry,\nknowing all\n\nthe angles, when to make that first turn and then when to swing\nit back in,\n\nthat's the key.\n\nELAINE\nWill you just park it already?\n\nGEORGE\nThere's nothing I can even impart to\nyou, that's the sad thing. It's\n\nso inborn, I can't pass it on. (begins backing into the space)\nLook at this\n\nguy. Are you crazy, what are you doing?! Hey! Hey, you're stealing\nmy space!\n\nELAINE\nGeorge, wait, you don't know who this\nguy is, people kill for a parking\n\nspace in this city.\n\nGEORGE\nNo no no, he's not getting away with\nthis.\n\nELAINE\nGeorge?\n\nGeorge gets out of the car to confront the other driver.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, what are you doing?\n\nMIKE\nI think I'm parking my car.\n\nGEORGE\nYou can't do that, you can't just sneak\nin from the back like that.\n\nMIKE\nI'm not sneaking. I didn't even know\nyou were parking, you were just\n\nsitting there three spaces up.\n\nGEORGE\nWell if you didn't think I was parking,\nwhy did you put it in head\n\nfirst?\n\nMIKE\nWell that's the way I park. Anyway,\nyou didn't start backing in until I\n\npulled in.\n\nGEORGE\nI was in the middle of a conversation.\n\nMIKE\nHey, buddy, what can I tell you?\n\nGEORGE\nThe point is I was here first.\n\nMIKE\nI was closer to this space than you\nwere.\n\nGEORGE\nBut I'm backing in! You can't put it\nin head first!\n\nMIKE\nI can if I have room!\n\nGEORGE\nAre you gonna move the car?\n\nMIKE\nNo, I'm not gonna move the car.\n\nGEORGE\nJerk!\n\nMIKE\nOh, you're not?\n\nGEORGE\nDo you believe this guy?\n\nELAINE\nCome on, we'll put it in a garage.\n\nGEORGE\nI am not putting it in a garage, it's\nmy space.\n\nELAINE\nWhat are you gonna do, you just gonna\nleave it here like this? Uh.\n\nI'm going upstairs.\n\nGEORGE\nAre you coming back down?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I gotta tell Jerry we're here.\nI gotta go to the bathroom.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, just make sure he reserves\nthe good chair for me. Wait, what\n\nare you gonna tell him about the clanking noise in the car?\n\nELAINE\nMe? No no no, you. You're gonna tell\nhim. I'm not gonna tell- Noo.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, come on, you're good at this.\n\nELAINE\nWhat am I gonna say?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know, I don't know, you'll think\nof something.\n\nElaine heads upstairs. Mike honks his horn, George honks his\nin retaliation.\n\nCut to Jerry's apartment. Jerry is moving chairs, Elaine bursts\nin.\n\nELAINE\nOh god, I need a drink, do you got any\nHennigan's here?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, under the counter. What happened?\n\nELAINE\nOh god. Oh, Jerry it was so terrible\nwhat we just went through on the\n\nway home. (pouring a big shot of scotch) You wouldn't believe\nit. (pushing a\n\nbag of chips off the counter)\n\nJERRY\nTell me what happened.\n\nElaine (after pouring the shot in the sink while Jerry was distracted\nand\n\nthe Henry Hudson Parkway, okay?! And there were these, like,\nthis pack of\n\nextremely wild teenagers in a convertible behind us, okay?! And\nfor some\n\nreason, I don't know, they just started to taunt us! And so then\nwe payed the\n\ntoll, and then we went through, and then they started to follow\nus, alright?!\n\nSo George tries to lose them, and, and, but they were in this\nreally like a\n\nsouped up car, you know?! And so he turned off the road really\nsuddenly and the\n\ncar was on two wheels and I was just screaming! And then, George\nis such a\n\ngreat driver.\n\nJERRY\nHe is?\n\nELAINE\nOh, he is fantastic! And then they fired\na gun right up in the air.\n\nJERRY\nA gun?!\n\nELAINE\nI think it was a gun. And then they\nfollowed us all the way into the\n\ncity, and then they just stopped and they turned around and they\nwent home.\n\nJERRY\nMy god, are you okay?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, yeah, I'm alright. Oh, by the\nway, the car hit a pothole and now\n\nit's making a clanking noise.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I mean, as long as you're okay,\nthat, that's the important thing.\n\nELAINE\nExactly.\n\nJERRY\nWhere's George now?\n\nELAINE\nOh, he's out in front of the building.\nHe's arguing with some guy\n\nabout a parking space.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nELAINE\nLook out the window, you'll see.\n\nJERRY\nHey Georgie!\n\nGEORGE\nHey!\n\nJERRY\nAre you okay?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, I'm fine.\n\nJERRY\nCrazy kids, huh?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nOw!! (Jerry looks over) It's my cuticle.\n\nMIKE\nIs that Jerry? Jerry?!\n\nJERRY\nOh, hey Mike.\n\nGeorge What, you know Jerry?\n\nMIKE\nYeah, I know Jerry.\n\nGEORGE\nHow do you know him?\n\nMIKE\nWhat's the difference?\n\nGEORGE\nBecause I know him too, and probably\na lot better than you.\n\nMIKE\nWell, bully for you. Hey, Jerry! You\nknow your friend here's a real\n\npiece of work!\n\nJERRY\nI'm coming down.\n\nMIKE\nHey, will you tell Kramer I'm outside?\n\nGeorge, What, you know Kramer?!\n\nKramer walks into Jerry's apartment.\n\nELAINE\nHi.\n\nKRAMER\nHello.\n\nJERRY\nHey, your friend Mike's outside, he\nwants to talk to you.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Mike! Come on up, the fight's almost\nstarting!\n\nGEORGE\nAnd you're watching the fight at Jerry's?\n\nMIKE\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nOh great.\n\nELAINE\nYou know that guy downstairs?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, he's a real phony.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat's going on?!\n\nMIKE\nHey, will you come on down? This guy's\nin my space!\n\nGEORGE\nIt's my space!\n\nKRAMER\nI'll be down in a minute.\n\nELAINE\nAre you going down?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nIs anything wrong?\n\nKRAMER\nWhy should anything be wrong?\n\nELAINE\nBe down in a minute.\n\nJerry grabs his jacket and walks out the door.\n\nMIKE\nHey pal, you're not getting that space.\nI mean, I'll sleep in my car if\n\nI have to.\n\nGEORGE\nI'll die out here.\n\nTwo bystanders are discussing the incident.\n\nBYSTANDER #1\nHe was down there. Once he passed his\nfront bumper, it's no\n\nlonger his space.\n\nBYSTANDER #2\nNo, it doesn't matter. He was-\n\nMIKE\nHey! Jerry! Long time no see!\n\nJERRY\nHi Mike. (Noticing George's fedora)\nIndiana.\n\nMIKE\nHey Krame! You know this guy?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah, I know him.\n\nMIKE\nYou're looking tremendous. What are\nyou on some kind of\n\nregimen?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, twenty-five percent bran flakes.\nThe forty percent was too much\n\nso I found a store to mix it up special for me, they take it\ndown another\n\nfifteen percent.\n\nMIKE\nHa ha ha ha!!! That's killer! Killer!\n\nI love that! Ha ha ha!!! You gotta use that, that's a definite!!\nHa ha ha!!!\n\nGEORGE\nOh, come on.\n\nMIKE\nHey! Your friend here has some real\nproblems.\n\nGEORGE\nMe? You see what he did here, you see\nhow he tried to sneak into my\n\nspace?\n\nMIKE\nHey, just 'cause I went in front first\ndoesn't mean I'm sneaking in.\n\nGEORGE\nYou only went in front first 'cause\nyou saw me backing up and you\n\ndidn't have room to parallel park!\n\nMIKE\nI only went in front first 'cause I\ncould make it in front first and if\n\nyou pull out I'll show you!\n\nGEORGE\nYou've got a prayer.\n\nKRAMER\nI go in front first all the time.\n\nJERRY\nFront first, that's how you park when\nyou're pulling a bank job.\n\nElaine shows up and pulls George aside.\n\nGEORGE\nDid you talk to him?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, it's all taken care of.\n\nGEORGE\nYou told him? What did you tell him?\n\nELAINE\nI did a number on him, it was a thing\nof beauty, you really had to have\n\nbeen there to appreciate it.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't believe it, what did you say?\n\nELAINE\nI told him a pack of teenagers in a\nconvertible were terrorizing us and\n\nthey followed us into the city.\n\nGEORGE\nA pack of teenagers?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, by the time I got to the end of\nthe story, he was to relieved\n\nthat we were alive he couldn't care less about the car.\n\nGEORGE\nYou are a genius, it's as simple as\nthat.\n\nELAINE\nWhat can I say, you know? It's a gift.\nI only wish I could teach it\n\nbut, you know it's inborn.\n\nElaine and George rejoin the others.\n\nKRAMER\nBy the way, thanks a lot for inviting\nme to the flea market.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, Jerry, he told me all about it.\n\nGEORGE\nOh great.\n\nJERRY\nI didn't know.\n\nELAINE\nOh, so that's why you were acting so\nfunny.\n\nGEORGE\nWell I didn't know you wanted to go\nto the flea market.\n\nMIKE\nA flea market? You went to a flea market??\n\nGEORGE\nHey, who's talking to you?\n\nELAINE\nWe just didn't think of you.\n\nKRAMER\nYou said it, sister.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat? Every time I leave my house now\nI have to call everybody I know\n\nand ask them if they want to do what I'm doing?\n\nPeople forget. Look at \"Home Alone\". They forgot.\n\nGEORGE\nGreat move, telling him, by the way,\nreal smart move.\n\nJERRY\nI didn't know I wasn't supposed to say\nanything!\n\nGEORGE\nJudgement, Jerry, judgement! You exercised\nno judgement.\n\nJERRY\nYou're right. My fault.\n\nELAINE\nKramer? I'm so sorry, really.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, I'm sorry.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm sorry, I don't care for that sorry.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat was wrong with that sorry? It was\na good sorry. Jerry, was that\n\na good sorry?\n\nJERRY\nIt was a so-so sorry.\n\nA delivery truck pulls up and honks. The driver leans out of\nthe cab.\n\nTRUCK DRIVER\nHey! Move this car, I gotta get through!\n\nGEORGE\nYou heard the man. I guess you gotta\nbe moving your car.\n\nMIKE\nAnd like you're not gonna just back\nit in if I do that?\n\nTRUCK DRIVER\nWell somebody better move something\nsoon! I got a truck full of\n\nice cream here!\n\nFade out/in.\n\nELAINE\nYou see, they had to move the cars so\nthe truck could get through,\n\nright? But these guys don't trust each other so they got these\ntwo nonpartisan\n\ndrivers to move them.\n\nJERRY\nWild pack of teenagers, huh?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nAmazing how they picked you, out of\neveryone, to terrorize.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. I know, I said to myself, 'Why\nus?' You remember?\n\nGEORGE\nUh huh.\n\nJERRY\nSounds like you did some pretty nifty\nmaneuvering,\n\nGEORGE\nWell, you know, It's interesting, you\nknow, under that pressure, what\n\nyou're capable of.\n\nELAINE\nRight.\n\nGEORGE\nI learned a lot about myself.\n\nJERRY\nWhat did you do to my car?!\n\nGEORGE\nI couldn't help it! Elaine moved the\nmirror, I got discombobulated.\n\nELAINE\nOh, like you've ever been bobulated.\n\nJERRY\nI thought you said you were a good driver!\n\nGEORGE\nNo no, I never said I was a good driver,\nI said I was a good parker.\n\nJERRY\nI think you said driver.\n\nGEORGE\nParker, I never said driver, I said\nparker, a great parker.\n\nMIKE\nWill you move it up a little bit?\n\nGEORGE\nNo no no, that's in the right position.\n\nMIKE\nNo no, I was further in.\n\nGEORGE\nNo you weren't. Stop there, that's fine.\n\nMIKE\nDo you mind?\n\nGEORGE\nDo you?\n\nSID\nHey, somebody better move these cars,\nyou're making a commotion.\n\nJERRY\nHey Sid.\n\nMIKE\nWho are you?\n\nSID\nNever mind who I am. I know who I am.\nDo you know who you are? (to\n\nGeorge) Why is it every time you park a car in this block, everything\ngets\n\ndisrupted and disjointed?\n\nGEORGE\nSid, it's completely his fault.\n\nMIKE\nOh, right.\n\nSID\nWhy don't you start taking the bus?\n\nJERRY\nOkay, George. Come on, let's go. I'm\nputting it in a garage. The\n\nfight's starting in two minutes.\n\nGEORGE\nDon't do it!\n\nJERRY\nWhat are we gonna do, stay out here\nall night?\n\nGEORGE\nYes! I'm not giving him the satisfaction,\nit's my space.\n\nELAINE\nWhy don't you just flip a coin already?\n\nGEORGE\nNo no, this is a matter of principle.\nThat would just be saying that\n\nanybody could just pull into any parking space any way they want.\nWell I'm\n\nmaking a stand here. I'm saying *no* to head first parking. I'm\nnot putting up\n\nwith that. We put up with too much crap in this city, we're not\nputting up with\n\nhead first parking.\n\nELAINE\nYou know, maybe if you hadn't been sitting\nthere pontificating about\n\nwhat a great parker you were, you might have got the space.\n\nGEORGE\nSo you're against me now?\n\nAn old man and Matthew, the boy who's father owns the 'fat free'\nfrozen yogurt\n\nstore, are discussing the incident.\n\nANGRY MAN\nHe could have pulled up to the car and\nbacked in, but he chose to go\n\nin head first.\n\nMATTHEW\nNo he couldn't, because the other car\nwas already backing in.\n\nANGRY MAN\nNo he wasn't.\n\nMATTHEW\nAll that matters is who was there first.\n\nANGRY MAN\nAhh, you're not even old enough to drive,\nyou little puke.\n\nMATTHEW\nYou just spit on me!\n\nANGRY MAN\nDon't you raise your voice to me!\n\nMATTHEW\nYou're not my father.\n\nJERRY\nHey Matthew.\n\nMATTHEW\nHi Jerry. This guy's really a jerk.\n\nJERRY\nHow ya doing?\n\nMATTHEW\nOkay.\n\nJERRY\nHey, how's your father? I hear he's\nclosing his store.\n\nMATTHEW\nWhat?!\n\nJERRY\nOh no, nothing.\n\nMATTHEW\nWhat's happened to daddy? He's going\nout of business?\n\nJERRY\nNo, no, no, no.\n\nMATTHEW\nWe're not going to have any money? We're\nout of money?\n\nJERRY\nNo, of course not, of course not!\n\nMATTHEW\nMommy!? Jerry says daddy's closing the\nstore. He's going out of\n\nbusiness. We don't have any money?\n\nMARYEDITH\nJerry?! What's the matter with you?\n\nJERRY\nI didn't--\n\nMARYEDITH\nBoy, I don't know about your friend,\nJerry. He says\n\nsome pretty stupid things sometimes.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, congratulations.\n\nMARYEDITH\nWhat for?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you're pregnant.\n\nMARYEDITH\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nYou're not pregnant?\n\nMARYEDITH\nNo, I'm not pregnant.\n\nKRAMER\nAre you sure you're not pregnant?\n\nMARYEDITH\nYes, I'm sure!\n\nKRAMER\nThat's weird.\n\nMARYEDITH\nCome on, Matthew.\n\nMATTHEW\nNo.\n\nMARYEDITH\nCome on, Matthew!\n\nKRAMER\nI thought she was pregnant.\n\nJERRY\nHey, do you think I'm phony?\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nMike thinks I'm a phony.\n\nELAINE\nHe thinks you're a phony?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, but I can't say anything because\nKramer wasn't supposed to tell\n\nme.\n\nELAINE\nOh, you have to say something.\n\nJERRY\nI can't, I told Kramer I was vaulting\nit.\n\nELAINE\nYou gotta open the vault.\n\nJERRY\nOpen my vault?\n\nELAINE\nOpen your vault.\n\nJERRY\nOnce I open the vault, it ceases to\nbe a vault.\n\nELAINE\nYou have no choice.\n\nJERRY\nOy ga-vault.\n\nNEWMAN\nYou wanna know why you can't go in front\nfirst? I'll tell\n\nyou why. because it signals a breakdown in the social order.\nChaos. It\n\nreduces us to jungle law.\n\nGeorge begins applauding.\n\nKRAMER\nWhen can you park head first?\n\nNEWMAN\nNever.\n\nMIKE\nWhat are you asking this guy for?\n\nNEWMAN\nWho's talking to you?\n\nGEORGE\nHe's right. never.\n\nMIKE\nOh yeah? What if you got ten car lengths?\nYou have to pull all the way\n\nup to the front car?\n\nNEWMAN\nWell, I suppose if you got ten car lengths.\n\nGEORGE\nWhen do you ever have ten car lengths?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat about Sundays and holidays?\n\nGEORGE\nOh please.\n\nA passerby (Sheila) stops and asks George,\n\nSHEILA\nWhat's going on here?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, this guy tried to sneak into my\nspace.\n\nSHEILA\nI really hate people who do that. I\nhope you don't let him get away\n\nwith it.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, thank you for your support.\n\nSHEILA\nHey, that's a great hat.\n\nGEORGE\nReally? You like it? I got it at a flea\nmarket today.\n\nNEWMAN\nHey George, nice hat.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, thanks.\n\nNEWMAN\nCan I try it on?\n\nGEORGE\nNo! It, uh, it wouldn't fit you.\n\nNEWMAN\nWell sure it would.\n\nGEORGE\nNo! Get out of here, Newman.\n\nNEWMAN\nCome on, let me try it on.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, Newman, stop it.\n\nSHEILA\nLet him try it on.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't want him to!\n\nSHEILA\nWhat is wrong with you?\n\nGEORGE\nYou wanna see?! (pulling off the hat\nto reveal the bald pate) There!\n\nThere it is! (turning to Newman) Alright, here! You wanna try\non the hat?!\n\nHere! Try on the hat!\n\nNEWMAN\nStop it, George, stop it. I was defending\nyour parking.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, just keep the hat!\n\nJERRY\nAlright, that's it. The fight's already\nstarted. I'm going upstairs,\n\nwho's coming? Elaine?\n\nELAINE\nIt depends on who's going. (to George)\nAre you going?\n\nKRAMER\nI'm not going if he's going.\n\nNEWMAN\nMe either.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm not going if he's going.\n\nMIKE\nWell I'm going.\n\nJERRY\nWell if he's going then I'm not going.\n\nNEWMAN\nBut it's your house.\n\nJERRY\nI still don't have to go.\n\nELAINE\nWell I don't want to go if Jerry's not\ngoing.\n\nMIKE\nWhy won't you go if I go?\n\nJERRY\nWhy? I'll tell you why.\n\nKRAMER\nNo. Don't, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nLike you didn't call me a phony?\n\nMIKE\nWhat? (to Kramer) Thanks! Real good!\nJerry! First of all, I think\n\nyou completely misunderstood what I said. I meant it in a complementary\nway. I\n\nmean, you know when people say, 'He's bad', it really means he's\ngood, sort of\n\nthing? You know, slang.\n\nJERRY\nUse it in a sentence.\n\nMIKE\nMan, that Michael Jordan is so phony.\n(to Kramer) Why'd you tell him?!?\n\nKRAMER\nHe begged me.\n\nMIKE\nHe begged you?!\n\nJERRY\nAlright, come on. Who wants to watch\nthe fight?\n\nTwo police officers walk up.\n\nCOP #1\nOkay, who's cars are these? Let's move\n'em. Let's go.\n\nGEORGE\nOfficer, could I just explain something\nto you?\n\nCOP #1\nHey. Let's go or I'm gonna write both\nof you a ticket in about two\n\nminutes.\n\nGEORGE\nOfficer, he can't pull in head first.\n\nMIKE\nOfficer, he backed up from down the\nstreet. He was double-parked, he was\n\nsitting there.\n\nCOP #1\nAlright, you move your car. It's his\nspace, you can't go in head\n\nfirst.\n\nCOP #2\nWait a second. Why can't he go in head\nfirst? He said the guy was\n\njust sitting over there.\n\nCOP #1\nWhat are you talking about? This guy\nwas here first.\n\nCOP #2\nBut he didn't take it.\n\nCOP #1\nHey, it's his space.\n\nCOP #2\nNo, it's his space.\n\nCut to Jerry entering his apartment, George and Mike can be heard\narguing\n\nthrough the window.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, you're gonna have to go to the\nbathroom!\n\nMIKE\nWell, you're gonna have to go to work!\n\nGEORGE\nI don't have a job!\n\nMIKE\nNeither do I!\n\nJerry closes the window, sits down on the couch, picks up the\nremote and turns\n\non the TV.\n\nREFEREE\nSeven... Eight... Nine... Ten. *ding*\n\nJerry falls over and hides his face in the couch cushion.\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nPeople will kill each other for a parking space in New York because\nthey think,\n\n'If I don't get this one, I may never get a space.' You know?\n'I'll be\n\ncircling for months until somebody goes out to the Hamptons.'\nI think because\n\neveryone in New York City knows there's gotta be way more cars\nthan parking\n\nspaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night.\nIt's like\n\nMusical Chairs except everybody sat down around 1964. The problem\nis car\n\nmanufacturers are building hundreds of thousands of new cars\nevery year, they're\n\nnot making any new spaces. That's what they should be working\non. Wouldn't\n\nthat be great? You go to the Auto Show, they got that big revolving\nturntable,\n\nand there's nothing on it. New from Chrysler, a space.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Keys.html",
    "text": "THE KEYS\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry Charles\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nSo, I fly a lot. I like planes. I was on a plane the other day\nand I was wondering - are there keys to the plane? Do they need\nkeys to start the plane? Maybe that's what those delays on the\nground are sometimes. When you're just sitting there at the gate,\nmaybe the pilot's just up there in the cockpit going (mimics\nlooking for keys) \"Oh, I don't believe this. Oh my god...I did\nit again.\" They tell you it's something mechanical, because they\ndon't want to come on the PA system...\"Ladies and gentlemen,\nwe're going to be delayed here on the ground for a little while,\nI uh...Oh God, this is so embarrassing...I - I left the keys\nto the plane in my apartment.\" You see the technicians all running\nunderneath the plane; you think they're servicing it, but they're\nactually looking for the magnet \"hide-a-key\" under the wing...\"maybe\nhe left it up there somewhere...\"\n\nOPENING SCENE\nJerry's apartment in the middle of the\nnight. Jerry comes out of his room.\nWe hear his thoughts.\n\nJERRY'S BRAIN\nWhat is it about sleep that makes you\nso thirsty? Do dreams require liquid?\nIt's not like I'm running a marathon,\nI'm just lying there.\n\n(Jerry notices his door is open.)\n\nJERRY'S BRAIN\nWhat the hell...? Why is the door open?\n\n(Jerry looks out into the hallway, turns back into his apartment,\nand runs into Kramer in the dark. They both scream. Kramer turns\non the light.)\n\nJERRY\nKramer, what are you doing here!?\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, now calm down, it's okay. I'm\nsorry. I didn't want to wake you up!\nY'know, I was watching \"Thirty Seconds\nOver Tokyo,\" and I - y'know, I wanted\nto get some popcorn, and I, uh...I used\nthe spare keys that you gave me to come\ninto your apartment to get your popper.\n\nJERRY\nYou scared me!\n\nKRAMER\nIt's just me.\n\nJERRY\nThat's enough!\n\nKRAMER\nForgot the popper... (goes to the kitchen,\ngrabs the popper, drops the lid, juggles\nit around, then exits.)\n\nNew scene. Jerry's apartment, daytime. We hear Jerry hurriedly\ntrying to get in the door.\n\nJERRY\nC'mon...c'mon...\n\n(Jerry enters, sheds his jacket, drops his luggage and heads\nfor the bathroom. He opens the door to find Kramer taking a bubble\nbath in his tub.)\n\nJERRY\nKramer! What are you doing?!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat does it look like I'm doing? What?\n\nJERRY\nGet out! Get out of the bathroom, I\ngotta go!\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, alright...\n\nJERRY\nC'mon!\n\nKRAMER\nSorry.\n\nJERRY\nMove it! Move it! Get going!\n\nKRAMER\nMy drain's all clogged up! (Comes out\nof the bathroom in a towel, covered\nin soap suds.)\n\nJERRY\nIs that my towel?\n\n(Kramer loses the towel in the hallway and throws it on Jerry's\nfloor from the other side of the door.)\n\nNew scene. Jerry's hallway at night. Jerry approaches his door\nwith a girlfriend.\n\nGIRLFRIEND\nI'm really happy the movie was sold\nout.\n\nJERRY\nHey, did you ever pretend there's like,\nmurderers chasing you, and you try and\nsee how fast you can get your keys out\nand get into your apartment?\n\nGIRLFRIEND\nI'm from Witchita, so...\n\nJERRY\nOh. I see. There he is! (Pretends the\nmurderers are coming.)\n\nGIRLFRIEND\nHurry, Jerry! He's coming! Hurry!\n\nJERRY\nThe murderers! (Jerry unlocks his door\nand they both run inside.)\n\nGIRLFRIEND\nThat was close!\n\nJERRY\nDid you see the look on that guy's face?\n\nGIRLFRIEND\nYou were so fast with those keys. (They\nprepare to kiss, but are interrupted\nby Kramer and his girlfriend coming\nout of Jerry's bedroom, laughing and\nhorsing around.)\n\nJERRY\nKramer! What the hell are you doing\nhere?!\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Jerry! How are ya? I thought you\nwere going to the movies.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, that's it. Hand 'em over.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nWhat, you know what, the keys. I want\nthe keys. You've lost your key privileges.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, come on!\n\nJERRY\nNo, come on!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat, what, I thought you went to the\nmovies!\n\nJERRY\nIt was sold out!\n\nKRAMER\nNow how was I supposed to know it was\ngoing to be sold out?\n\nJERRY\nThat's the point.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat point?\n\nJERRY\nJust, look, just give the keys.\n\nKRAMER\nJust give me another chance!\n\nJERRY\nDon't ask me!\n\nKRAMER\nI'm asking you!\n\nJERRY\nI'm telling you.\n\nKRAMER\nYou're joking.\n\nJERRY\nI'm serious!\n\nKRAMER\nIt's not going to happen again!\n\nJERRY\nYes it will, now give me those keys!\n\n(Jerry and Kramer begin struggling over the keys. Kramer loses\nhis footing and falls on the floor, taking his girlfriend down\nwith him.)\n\nKRAMER\nO.K., fine, go ahead, you take the keys!\nBut you're going to regret this. (He\nangrily storms out. Kramer then re-enters\nseconds later when he realizes he's\nleft his girlfriend in Jerry's apartment.)\n\nNew scene. Jerry's apartment, the next day. Jerry is now giving\nhis spare keys to Elaine.\n\nJERRY\nSo put 'em in a safe place.\n\nELAINE\nI will.\n\nJERRY\nWhere?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know. I'll hide 'em. So, is\nKramer upset?\n\nJERRY\nI think so. I mean, he's acting really\nweird lately...he's different.\n\nELAINE\nWell, maybe you should just give him\nthe keys back.\n\nJERRY\nI can't.\n\n(There's a gentle knock at the door.)\n\nELAINE\nIs that Kramer? (Jerry nods.)\n\nJERRY\nWho's there?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, Kramer. (Jerry opens the door, Kramer\nenters. Elaine waves at Kramer with\nthe keys in her hand.) Oh, hi...uh...you\ngot the...\n\nELAINE\nOh, I'm not, uh...\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, no, it's o.k. I don't care about\nthe keys. It's my fault. I gave the\nkeys away with my stupidity. I broke\n\"the covenant of the keys.\"\n\nELAINE\nJerry, give him the keys back.\n\nJERRY\nElaine...\n\n(Elaine tries to give the keys to Kramer, but Jerry won't let\nher. Jerry and Elaine begin struggling over the keys. Kramer\nbreaks it up.)\n\nKRAMER\nI don't want the keys back! No, I'm\nglad the way things turned out. I was\nclingin' to those keys, man! Like a\nbranch on the banks of a raging river.\nAnd now I have let go. And I'm free...to\ngo with the current. To float. (To Jerry)\nAnd I thank you.\n\nJERRY\nTake the keys.\n\nKRAMER\nI don't want the keys! (Jerry tries\nto force the keys on Kramer, but Kramer\nrefuses.)\n\nJERRY\nO.K.!\n\nKRAMER\nNow, one more thing - I would like my\nkeys back.\n\nJERRY\nYour spare set?\n\nKRAMER\nThat's right.\n\nJERRY\nYou want 'em back?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Yeah, I think it would be for\nthe best.\n\n(Jerry takes a huge ring with hundreds of keys on it out of his\ndrawer, and hands it to Kramer. Kramer begins going through them.)\n\nNew scene at the coffee shop. Kramer is now giving the huge keyring\nto George.\n\nGEORGE\nGee, Kramer, I uh...I don't know what\nto say.\n\nKRAMER\nSay yes! Yes, George. Yes!\n\nGEORGE\nShould I give you my keys, is that the\ntransaction, trading keys...? Because\nElaine has my keys.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you can get 'em back.\n\nGEORGE\nI suppose I could.\n\nKRAMER\nBecause you see, George, having the\nkeys to Jerry's apartment? That kept\nme in a fantasy world. Every time I\nwent over to his house, it was like\nI was on vacation. Better food, better\nview, better TV. And cleaner? Oh - much\ncleaner. That became my reality. I ignored\nthe squalor in my own life because I'm\nlooking at life, you see, through Jerry's\neyes. I was living in twilight, George.\nLiving in the shadows. Living in the\ndarkness...like you.\n\nGEORGE\nMe?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah. I can barely see you, George.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, stop it Kramer, you're freakin'\nme out. (The waitress comes over.)\n\nWAITRESS\nHi, are you ready to order? (George\ntries to order, but Kramer interrupts.)\n\nKRAMER\nDo you ever yearn?\n\nGEORGE\nYearn? Do I yearn?\n\nKRAMER\nI yearn.\n\nGEORGE\nYou yearn.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yes. Yes, I yearn. Often, I...I\nsit...and yearn. Have you yearned?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, not recently. I craved. I crave\nall the time, constant craving...but\nI haven't yearned.\n\nKRAMER\nLook at you.\n\nGEORGE\nAw, Kramer, don't start...\n\nKRAMER\nYou're wasting your life.\n\nGEORGE\nI am not! What you call wasting, I call\nliving! I'm living my life!\n\nKRAMER\nO.K., like what? No, tell me! Do you\nhave a job?\n\nGEORGE\nNo.\n\nKRAMER\nYou got money?\n\nGEORGE\nNo.\n\nKRAMER\nDo you have a woman?\n\nGEORGE\nNo.\n\nKRAMER\nDo you have any prospects?\n\nGEORGE\nNo.\n\nKRAMER\nYou got anything on the horizon?\n\nGEORGE\nUh...no.\n\nKRAMER\nDo you have any action at all?\n\nGEORGE\nNo.\n\nKRAMER\nDo you have any conceivable reason for\neven getting up in the morning?\n\nGEORGE\nI like to get the Daily News!\n\nKRAMER\nGeorge, it's time for us to grow up\n- and be men. Not little boys.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy?\n\nKRAMER\nI'm goin' to California. You know, I\ngot the bug.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, I think I got a touch of something,\ntoo.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, the acting bug. Ever since I was\nin that Woody Allen movie.\n\nGEORGE\n\"These pretzels are making me thirsty\"?\nThat was one line! You got fired!\n\nKRAMER\nI know, I know, but man! I never felt\nso alive! Now, are you coming with me?\n\nGEORGE\nUh, no, I'm not.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, suit yourself. But let's keep\nthis between us - we're key brothers\nnow. (Gets up to leave.)\n\nGEORGE\nYou're not really gonna go to California,\nare you?\n\nKRAMER\nUp here, I'm already gone. (Kramer exits.)\n\nNew scene, Elaine's apartment at night. George is picking up\nhis spare keys from Elaine.\n\nGEORGE\nAnyway, so he gave me his spare keys,\nnow he wants to have my keys, so I need\nmine back from you.\n\nELAINE\nJust 'cause you have his keys? Why does\nhe need yours?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know. He said he wants to be\nmy \"key brother.\"\n\nELAINE\nThat's ridiculous.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's Kramer.\n\nELAINE\nI'll give you back your spare keys -\nbut now I want mine back.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat for?\n\nELAINE\n'Cause. I'll give 'em to Jerry.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry? Why?\n\nELAINE\n'Cause he gave me his.\n\nGEORGE\nSo what?\n\nELAINE\nSo, if he has my keys, I should have\nhis.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I don't see why if you have his,\nhe should have yours.\n\nELAINE\nI just said the same thing to you.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, listen, I'll give you your\nspare keys, but I don't have them with\nme. Can I please have mine to give to\nback to Kramer?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, O.K. I'll go get 'em. (George\nbegins to leaf through papers on Elaine's\ncounter.) What are you doing? Would\nyou just put that down? (Takes the papers\naway from George.) I gotta get some\nnew friends.\n\nNew scene, Jerry's apartment the next day.\n\nJERRY\nDid you bring the keys?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, but I still don't feel right about\nletting you into Kramer's apartment\nwithout his permission.\n\nJERRY\nThis could be an emergency!\n\nGEORGE\nYou never should have taken away his\nkeys!\n\nJERRY\nI tried to give 'em back, he wouldn't\ntake 'em. (Jerry and George go out into\nthe hallway to Kramer's apartment.)\n\nGEORGE\nHow'd the Mets do?\n\nJERRY\nThey lost.\n\n(Jerry and George open Kramer's door and poke their heads in.)\n\nJERRY\nKramer?\n\n(Newman walks up behind them.)\n\nNEWMAN\nHello, boys.\n\nJERRY\nHello, Newman.\n\nNEWMAN\nYou lookin' for someone?\n\nJERRY\nDon't play coy with me, Newman, I'm\nnot in the mood!\n\nNEWMAN\nCoy? I'm not being coy.\n\nJERRY\nIs he being coy?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, coy.\n\nJERRY\nYou're being coy. Now where's Kramer,\nNewman?\n\nNEWMAN\nWho?\n\nJERRY\nListen, Tiny. I wanna know where Kramer\nis and wanna know now!\n\nNEWMAN\nAlright, go ahead and hit me, Seinfeld.\nI got witnesses.\n\nJERRY\nTurn around, George.\n\nGEORGE\nSure. (Turns around.)\n\nNEWMAN\nGeorge?\n\nJERRY\nNow, you better tell me where Kramer\nis, or are we gonna have to do this\nthe hard way? (Hits wall with his fist.)\n\nNEWMAN\nHelp! Help!\n\nJERRY\nWhere's Kramer?\n\nNEWMAN\nHELP! (Elaine enters.)\n\nELAINE\nWhat's going on?\n\n(Newman grabs Elaine and hides behind her.)\n\nNEWMAN\nThey're gonna beat me up!\n\nGEORGE\nNo we're not.\n\nJERRY\nWe're trying to find out what happened\nto Kramer.\n\nNEWMAN\nYou wanna know what happened to Kramer?\nI'll tell you what happened to Kramer.\nHe was ticked off. About the keys. Yeah,\nthat's right - about the keys. Thought\nhe got a bad rap.\n\nJERRY\nBad rap?\n\nNEWMAN\nYeah. From you.\n\nJERRY\nMe?\n\nNEWMAN\nYou heard me. So he packed it up and\nsplit for the coast. La-La Land. L.A.\n\nJERRY\nL.A.?\n\n(Cut to Kramer in his car on the highway, listening to rock music.\nThe car's engine starts to fail, then stalls. Kramer can't believe\nit.)\n\nCommercial break.\n\nNew scene, Jerry's apartment at night (Jerry's at the window,\nGeorge and Elaine are on the couch).\n\nJERRY\nI never should have taken his keys away.\nBut he drove me to it! I had no choice!\nHe wouldn't take 'em back. Elaine, you\nsaw it, remember? I said, 'Take the\nkeys back.' He wouldn't do anything.\nYou saw it, didn't you see it?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, yeah, I saw it. (mutters under\nher breath) I mean, it's complete bullsh*t.\n\nJERRY\nHuh?\n\nELAINE\nWhat...?\n\nJERRY\nNo, what'd you say?\n\nELAINE\nNothing. I didn't say anything.\n\nJERRY\nOh, you didn't see it.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I saw it. I saw it! I did, I saw\nit. Yep.\n\nJERRY\nI heard you say something, there.\n\nELAINE\nI didn't say anything.\n\nJERRY\nI'm calling Kramer's mother. (Picks\nup the phone, dials.) (To Elaine) I\ndon't know what you said. But it was\nsomething. I heard something. Hello?\nHello, Mrs. Kramer? Mrs. Kramer? Could\nyou turn the music down? Could you turn\nthe music down!\n\nGEORGE\nAsk her about Kramer.\n\nJERRY\nShe's drunk out of her mind.\n\n(Cut back to Kramer with his car broken down on the side of the\nhighway. He tries to thumb a ride.)\n\nNew scene, Jerry approaching his apartment door. He tries to\nunlock it, but realizes Elaine has his keys. Jerry goes to the\ncoffee shop to call Elaine.\n\nJERRY\nElaine? Are you there? It's me, I'm\nlocked out of my apartment, I need my\nspare keys. Where are you? I'm at the\ncoffee shop.\n\nNew scene. Kramer's managed to hitch a ride on the back of a\nmotorcycle.\n\nKRAMER\nHey! You ever been in an accident?\n\nBIKER\nAbout five years ago. I was going down\nthis very road. Same time of day, going\nabout the same speed I'm going now...there\nwas a rock in the road. Couldn't have\nbeen more than a pebble. Never really\nsaw it! Lost control of the bike, went\nflyin' about a hundred feet - came down\nright on my head. Cracked it wide open!\nBlood and stuff was just splattered\nall over the road, there...I broke every\nbone in my face. Hey, you know, when\nthey found me, my eyes were hanging\nout of their sockets? Yeah, they pronounced\nme dead at the scene. I was in a coma\nfor...well, they told me about a year...said\nI'd be a vegetable for life. Yeah, but\nI showed 'em. Ever since then I always\nwear a helmet! (The biker goes into\na turn.) Lean! (Kramer yells.)\n\nNew scene. Jerry in a booth at the coffee shop waiting for George.\nGeorge enters, spare keys in hand.\n\nJERRY\nGeorgie Boy! Way to come through with\nthe keys! Sit down, I'm buying you dinner.\n\nGEORGE\nLook, I gotta tell ya...I been thinkin'\nabout it, I just don't feel right about\nletting you into Elaine's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nDon't feel right? What are you talking\nabout?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, you know, I shouldn't have let\nyou into Kramer's, now you want to go\ninto Elaine's...she entrusted me with\nher spare keys, how can I just let you\nin?\n\nJERRY\nWhat is the big deal?\n\nGEORGE\nJust because you have someone's spare\nkeys, it doesn't entitle you to break\ninto their apartment. That's the reason\nyou took away Kramer's keys.\n\nJERRY\nFirst of all, you're not even supposed\nto have Elaine's keys. You're supposed\nto give 'em back to her, so she can\ngive 'em back to me, because she has\nmine. So technically, those are my keys.\n\nGEORGE\nYes, well, if you had never taken your\nkeys back from Kramer, he never would\nhave taken his back from you and given\n'em to me, in which case I wouldn't\nhave had to take mine back from her.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I want those keys. (Tries to grab\nthe keys from George.)\n\nGEORGE\nNope, no can do.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, give them to me, I want these\nkeys. (They struggle over the keys.)\nI don't want to get physical!\n\nGEORGE\nDo you wanna fight?\n\nJERRY\nDo you wanna fight?\n\nGEORGE\nI'll fight ya! Not the face! Not the\nface! (The struggle continues.)\n\nNew scene. Kramer's managed to hitch another ride, this time\nwith a van full of drugged-out hippies. Kramer is telling them\na story as they go down the road...\n\nKRAMER\nAnd then, the evil ogre took back the\nmagical keys from the handsome young\nprince.\n\nHIPPIE #1\nOh no. He didn't take back the keys,\nno way.\n\nKRAMER\nYes! And then the handsome young prince\nwas cast out into the cruel, cruel world.\n\nHIPPIE #1\nOh man, what a bummer. That ogre dude's\npretty cold, huh?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, he's cold.\n\nHIPPIE #1\nLemme tell you something, Kramer. If\nthat ogre dude pulled that crap on me\n(pulls out a knife) - I'D STAB HIM!\nI'D CUT HIM IN HALF! I'D GUT HIM LIKE\nA FISH, MAN! That's what I'd do!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah...that'd be funny. (To driver)\nHey, you can drop me here!\n\nHIPPIE #1\nHey, what's the rush, man?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you know, I gotta be goin' now.\n\nHIPPIE #1\nHey, Kramer - have you ever killed a\nman?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat do you think, junior? You think\nthese hands have been soakin' in Ivory\nliquid? (mimics choking somebody)\n\nHIPPIE #2\nDon't leave, Kramer, stay with us. You\nknow so much about the world, we need\nyou, please Kramer! (they all start\nchanting) Please, Kramer! Please, Kramer!\n(Scene ends with Kramer trying to escape\ntheir clutches.)\n\nNew scene, Elaine's building at night. Jerry and George approach\nElaine's door, still arguing about the keys.\n\nJERRY\nDon't you see? You're just avoiding\nthe middle man. You were gonna give\nher her spare keys, so she was gonna\ngive 'em to me. So, all that's happening\nis that instead of giving them to her,\nyou're giving them to me. It's just\nunfortunate that when she gave you yours,\nyou didn't give her hers. 'Cause then\nshe would have given 'em to me, because\nshe has mine. So then I would have never\nhad to ask you for hers, so that I could\nget mine.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're right, how did I miss that? (Begins\nunlocking the door, mutters under his\nbreath) Maybe because it's a crock of\nsh*t.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's that?\n\nGEORGE\nNothing.\n\nJERRY\nI heard something.\n\nGEORGE\nDidn't say anything. (They go into Elaine's\napartment.)\n\nNew scene. Kramer's managed to hitch yet another ride, this time\nwith a woman driving an eighteen-wheeler.\n\nKRAMER\nSo, how long you been drivin' this thing?\n\nWOMAN\nGoin' on four years.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, nothin's sexier than a woman behind\nthe wheel of a semi.\n\nWOMAN\nNothin'? (They exchange a glance, then\nlaugh.) Listen to you, you're quite\nthe sweet-talker.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, I always wanted to drive the\nbig rigs. I used to watch those commercials\nduring the reruns of Gomer Pyle.\n\nWOMAN\nYou want to give it a try?\n\nKRAMER\nReally?\n\nWOMAN\nDo you know how to double-clutch?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nWOMAN\nWell, come on! (They trade places and\nKramer gets behind the wheel. Kramer\nturns out to be really rusty on the\nol' double-clutch.)\n\nNew scene, Jerry and George in Elaine's apartment looking for\nJerry's spare keys.\n\nGEORGE\nThey were in here, I saw her put 'em\nin here!\n\nJERRY\nWell, this is great.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, what do they look like?\n\nJERRY\nThey look like keys, George. They look\nexactly like keys. (In disgust) \"What\ndo they look like.\"\n\nGEORGE\nWell, they're obviously not here.\n\nJERRY\nWell, they've gotta be here somewhere.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, unless I pull down on this statuette\nand a hidden wall opens up, we have\nchecked every square inch of this apartment!\n\nJERRY\nWhat is this? \"Murphy Brown\"?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nBy Elaine Benes?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nElaine's writing a \"Murphy Brown\"?\n\nGEORGE\nLemme see this. (Tries to grab the papers.)\n\nJERRY\nWait a second! (They fight over the\npaper.)\n\nGEORGE\nGimme half!\n\nJERRY\nAll right, here!\n\nGEORGE\nWhy didn't she tell us?\n\nJERRY\nElaine is writing a sitcom...! (Elaine\nenters the room behind Jerry and George.\nJerry spots her and tosses his half\nof the script at George. George throws\nit back and paper goes flying everywhere.)\n\nELAINE\nYou weasels!\n\nJERRY\nWhat? What?\n\nELAINE\nHow dare you!\n\nGEORGE\nWe hardly read anything!\n\nJERRY\nIt was funny!\n\nELAINE\nWho gave you permission to come into\nmy house and just go through all my\nthings? You thought it was funny?\n\nJERRY\nWell... (picks up some of the pages)\nFrom what I saw...\n\nELAINE\nWell, it's just a first draft!\n\nJERRY\nI was locked out of my apartment, I'm\njust trying to get my keys.\n\nELAINE\nWhy did you let him in?! (Shoves George.)\n\nGEORGE\nHe forced me to!\n\nJERRY\nI did not!\n\nGEORGE\nYes you did!\n\nELAINE\nYou! Get out! Get out! Get out!\n\nJERRY\nElaine, wait! I need my spare keys!\n\nELAINE\nHere! Here's your damn keys, you keep\n'em! I don't want 'em anymore!\n\nJERRY\nGood!\n\nELAINE\nAnd I want my keys back from you!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, you don't want me to hold your\nkeys?\n\nELAINE\nNo, you can't be trusted!\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, alright, fine. (Gives the keys\nto Elaine.)\n\nJERRY\nAnd I don't want you to hold mine!\n\nELAINE\nGood! I won't!\n\nJERRY\nGood! Don't! Are these my keys?\n\nELAINE\nThese aren't my keys!\n\nGEORGE\nWhose are these?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know!\n\n(Meanwhile, Kramer's finally made it to Los Angeles. He's shown\nroller-skating through traffic, and nearly running over some\nguy on a scooter.)\n\nCommercial break.\n\nNew scene, Jerry and Elaine watching \"Murphy Brown\" in Jerry's\napartment.\n\nELAINE\nI just thought I could write it.\n\nJERRY\nIs that something you want to do?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know. Those writers make a lot\nof money.\n\nJERRY\nElaine, let me tell you something about\nshow business. It's hard work! You don't\njust write a \"Murphy Brown.\" You gotta\nwatch the show, study it, get a sense\nof the characters, how they relate to\neach other.\n\nELAINE\nO.K., can I just watch the show? (mutters\nunder her breath) God, what an asshole.\n\nJERRY\nWhat did you say?\n\nELAINE\nI didn't say anything.\n\nJERRY\nI heard something. (Looks at the TV)\nElaine, Elaine! It's Kramer! Kramer's\non \"Murphy Brown\"!\n\nELAINE\nKramer's on \"Murphy Brown\"!\n\nJERRY\nLook, there he is, he's sittin' at the\ndesk!\n\n(Cut to the screen of Jerry's TV.)\n\nCANDICE BERGEN\nHi, I'm Murphy Brown, you must be my\nnew secretary.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, good morning, Miss Brown.\n\nCANDICE BERGEN\nAnd you are...?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I'm uh, Steven Snell.\n\nCANDICE BERGEN\nSnell. Well, hello, Mr. Snell.\n\nKRAMER\nSteven.\n\nCANDICE BERGEN\nSteven. Are you familiar with this computer\nsystem?\n\nKRAMER\nOh - I'm familiar with it.\n\nCANDICE BERGEN\nSteven Snell? I know people...and I\nhave a very good feeling about you.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Trip-Part-1.html",
    "text": "THE TRIP PART 1\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry Charles\n\n(George and Jerry enter Monk's Coffee Shop)\n\nGEORGE\nKramer was on Murphy Brown?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nAre you sure?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nMurphy Brown, the TV show.\n\nJERRY\nC'mon, will ya?\n\nGEORGE\nKramer was on Murphy Brown? That son\nof a gun!\n\nJERRY\nSomething, isn't it?\n\nGEORGE\nWith Candace Bergen!\n\nJERRY\nI know!\n\nGEORGE\nI've always liked her. Remember her\nin 'Carnal Knowledge'?\n\nJERRY\nSure.\n\nGEORGE\nDid she show her breasts in that?\n\nJERRY\nShe's not really the naked type.\n\nGEORGE\nI can't believe I missed Kramer. You\nknow he asked me to go with him\n\nto California.\n\nJERRY\nHe did?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, I turned him down.\n\nJERRY\nHow come you didn't tell me?\n\nGEORGE\nHe asked me to keep it a secret.\n\nJERRY\nBut you can never keep a secret.\n\nGEORGE\nI know. This was like a record. My previous\nrecord was when Joni\n\nHirsch asked me not to tell anybody that we slept together. Kept\na lid on that\n\nfor about 28 seconds.\n\nJERRY\nWell, you've come a long way.\n\nGEORGE\nI've matured.\n\nJERRY\nHey listen, the Tonight Show called\nme, they want me to come out and do\n\nthe show on the 28th and they're giving me two free tickets to\nLA. You wanna\n\ngo?\n\nGEORGE\nA free ticket?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, in fact we could track down Kramer.\nI always felt bad about the\n\nway he left, you know? That was a mess. I never should have taken\nback those\n\nkeys.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about accommodations?\n\nJERRY\nAll taken care of.\n\nGEORGE\nIs there a meal allowance? What about\nseat assignments? Could I have\n\nthe Kosher meal? I hear the Kosher meal is good. And I need clothes.\nGotta\n\nget a haircut. Gonna have to, I have to refill my allergy medication.\nOh, do I\n\nneed a hat? I need a hat, don't I? Could we do the Universal\ntour? They have\n\nthat Backdraft exhibit now, that looks very cool to me...\n\nKramer, backstage, talking to some aspiring young actors.\n\nKRAMER\nSo my acting technique, my personal\nacting technique is working with\n\ncolor, imagining color, then finding the emotional vibrational\nmood connected to\n\nthe color. See, if you look through my scripts, you'll see that\nall my lines\n\nhave a special color, so I don't memorize language, I memorize\ncolor. This way\n\nI can go through red, yellow, green, blue. And I have a full\npalette of\n\nemotions.\n\nSTUDIO GUARD\nHey, didn't I tell you to get out of\nhere?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, did you?\n\nSTUDIO GUARD\nC'mon, let's go.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I was just--\n\nSTUDIO GUARD\nYeah yeah, you were just nothing. C'mon,\nlet's go.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, we'll talk about this a little\nlater. Are you an actor?\n\nKramer's apartment building in LA. Singers and actors are heard\npracticing in\n\nthe background. Kramer leaves his apartment and makes a call\non the pay phone\n\nin the hall.\n\nVOICE\nMurphy Brown.\n\nKRAMER\nUh, yeah, uh, Candace Bergen please.\n\nVOICE\nWho's calling please?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, just tell her that it's Kramer.\n\nDial tone.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright I'll uh, I'll call her at home.\n(To man waiting behind him)\n\nGo ahead, it's all yours.\n\nHelena, a neighbor, steps into the hallway.\n\nHELENA\nHello Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, uh, Helena, how are you?\n\nHELENA\nI haven't worked since 1934, how do\nyou think I am?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, that's only uh, 58 years.\n\nHELENA\nIt was a Three Stooges short, \"Sappy\nPappy.\" I played Mr. Sugarman's\n\nsecretary, remember?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, right, right, yeah, yeah, that\nwas a Shemp, right?\n\nHELENA\nNo, a Curly. The boys played three sailors\nwho find a baby, the baby's\n\nbeen kidnapped and the police think that they did it.\n\nKRAMER\nUh huh, right.\n\nHELENA\nBut, but of course they didn't do it,\nthe police had made an awful\n\nmistake.\n\nKRAMER\nRight.\n\nHELENA\nMoe hits Curly with an axe,\n\nKRAMER\nUh huh.\n\nHELENA\nThe Stooges catch the kidnappers,\n\nKRAMER\nRight.\n\nHELENA\nBut it's too late.\n\nKRAMER\nReally.\n\nHELENA\nThe baby's dead.\n\nKRAMER\nReally?\n\nHELENA\nThe boys are sent to Death Row and are\nexecuted.\n\nKRAMER\nWell I don't remember that part.\n\nHELENA\nI play Mr. Sugarman's secretary.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah, yeah, you were, you were very\ngood.\n\nHELENA\nYeah, it was sad for a Three Stooges,\nwhat with the dead baby and the\n\nStooges being executed and all.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, that was an unusual choice for\nthe stooges.\n\nHELENA\nWould you like to buy me a fat-free\nfrozen yogurt at the store, Kramer?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, well, uh, you know I can't right\nnow, you know, uh, I got a very\n\nbig meeting, I got these people interested in my movie treatment.\nSo, uh, I\n\nguess we'll have to make it another time, alright?\n\nHELENE\nWell No! No, don't go out there, Kramer,\nthey'll hurt you, they'll\n\ndestroy you. You'll never make it in this town, you're too sensitive\nlike me,\n\nKRAMER\nHelena, you're wrong, you know I'm not\nthat sensitive at all.\n\nHELENA\nI was engaged to Mickey Rooney! He left\nme at the altar. Kramer!\n\nKramer!\n\nJerry's apartment. George walks in with several stuffed suitcases\nand\n\nbackpacks.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is this?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nWe're going on a two day trip, what\nare you, Diana Ross?\n\nGEORGE\nI happen to dress based on mood.\n\nJERRY\nOh. But you essentially wear the same\nthing all the time.\n\nGEORGE\nSeemingly. Seemingly. But within that\nbasic framework there are many\n\nsubtle variations, only discernable to an acute observer, that\nreflect the many\n\nmoods, the many shades, the many sides of George Costanza.\n\nJERRY\n(referring to George's outfit): And\nwhat mood is this.\n\nGEORGE\nThis is Morning Mist.\n\nA murder scene. There's a body under a blanket and two Lieutenants\nare talking.\n\nLT. COLEMAN\nWhat do you figure, 20? 21?\n\nLT. MARTEL\nClose enough.\n\nLT. COLEMAN\nForensics ought to be able to nail it\ndown.\n\nLT. MARTEL\nNo ID?\n\nLT. COLEMAN\nNo ID.\n\nLT. MARTEL\nNo witnesses?\n\nLT. COLEMAN\nJust the trees, Johnny. Pretty young\nthing.\n\nLT. MARTEL\nShe was. Not any more. Somebody saw\nto that.\n\nLT. COLEMAN\nSure did, Johnny. Damn shame too. What\ndo you make of it?\n\nLT. MARTEL\nI don't know, but I don't like it.\n\nJerry and George are at the airport, in line for the metal detector.\n\nJERRY\nLook at this guy, he's like a cat burglar.\nHe thinks if he goes through\n\nreal slow the machine won't detect him.\n\nGEORGE\nPersonally I'm a little nervous about\ngoing through these things. I'm\n\nafraid I'm gonna step through into another dimension.\n\nJERRY\nJust go.\n\nGeorge braces himself and walks through the detector.\n\nGEORGE\nHeh he, I made it.\n\nJerry walks through and the machine beeps.\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nEmpty your pockets please.\n\nJerry empties his pockets and walks through again, the machine\nbeeps again.\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nWalk through again please.\n\nJerry walks through, the machine beeps again.\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nAre you sure you don't have any metal\non you? Bracelets?\n\nRings? Anklets?\n\nJERRY\nAnklets?\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nA lot of men wear anklets.\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nYeah.\n\nOTHER SECURITY GUARD\nWhat do you have in your bag, sir?\n\nGEORGE\nMy bag?\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nStep over here please.\n\nJERRY\nOver here?\n\nOTHER SECURITY GUARD\nDo you have a knife in the bag?\n\nGEORGE\nA knife?\n\nOTHER SECURITY GUARD\nOpen the bag, please.\n\nGeorge opens his bag, the other security guard begins rummaging.\n\nOTHER SECURITY GUARD\nWhat's this?\n\nGEORGE\nMoisturizer?\n\nOTHER SECURITY GUARD\nYour wife?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I uh... I use it.\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nSpread your arms and legs please.\n\nThe security guard begins waving a small beeping detector up\nand down Jerry's\n\nbody.\n\nJERRY\nLadies and gentlemen, I implore\n\nyou.\n\nOTHER SECURITY GUARD\nHave a good trip.\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nAlright, go ahead.\n\nJERRY\nThat's it?\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nThat's it.\n\nJERRY\nAlright.\n\nGEORGE\nC'mon Jerry, let's go. What was that\nall about?\n\nJERRY\nI must have iron rich blood.\n\nGEORGE\nHere we go, LA.\n\nJERRY\nThe Coast,\n\nGEORGE\nLa-la Land. I got the window seat, right?\n\nJERRY\nWho said that?\n\nGEORGE\nI called it.\n\nJERRY\nOh no.\n\nMonologue, Jerry on stage.\n\nSeems to me that the closest thing we have to Royalty in America\nare the people\n\nthat get to ride in those little carts through the airport. Don't\nyou hate\n\nthese things? They come out of nowhere; Beep Beep, cart people,\nlook out, cart\n\npeople! Look out! We all scurry out of the way like worthless\npeasants. Oooh!\n\nIt's cart people! I hope we didn't slow you down. Wave to the\ncart people,\n\nTimmy, they're the best people in the world. Ya know, if you're\ntoo fat, slow\n\nand disoriented to get to your gate on time, you're not ready\nfor air travel.\n\nThe other people I hate are the people that get on to the moving\nwalkway and\n\nthen just stand there. Like it's a ride? Excuse me, there's no\nanimated\n\npirates or bears along the way here. Do your legs work at all?\n\nStock photo of the HOLLYWOOD sign. Cut to a casting office. Kramer\nenters.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I'm here for the audition.\n\nRECEPTIONIST\nWhich audition, the music video, the\nhorror movie, the exercise\n\ntape or the infomercial?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, let's see... well.\n\nCut to a montage of Kramer in group auditions for the productions\nthe\n\nreceptionist mentioned.\n\nKramer and Chelsea, a woman he met in the horror movie audition,\nexit the\n\ncasting office.\n\nKRAMER\nYou scream good.\n\nCHELSEA\nYou too.\n\nKramer and Chelsea are seated at a restaurant table.\n\nCHELSEA\nSo, can I keep this treatment?\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah, yeah, I got 20 copies.\n\nCHELSEA\n'Cause I can, uh, show it to my manager.\nHe has connections with West\n\nGerman television money.\n\nKRAMER\nReally.\n\nCHELSEA\nYeah, they're trying to put together\na miniseries for me on Eva Braun.\n\nI mean think about it, is that a great idea? We know nothing\nabout Eva Braun,\n\nonly that she was Hitler's girlfriend.\n\nKRAMER\nUm-hm.\n\nCHELSEA\nWhat was it like having sex with Adolf\nHitler? What do you wear in a\n\nbunker? What did her parents think of Hitler as a potential son-in-law?\nI mean\n\nit could just go on and on...\n\nKRAMER\nWait wait, hold it, hold it. Look who's\nover there. Don't look, don't\n\nlook! It's Fred Savage.\n\nCHELSEA\nBig deal.\n\nKRAMER\nHe'd be perfect for my movie. This is\na once-in-a-lifetime\n\nopportunity. (takes a deep breath) I gotta go over there, I gotta\ngive him a\n\ncopy of my treatment.\n\nCHELSEA\nWhy are you breathing so hard?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I'm just a little nervous. OK,\nI gotta relax. Phew. Wish me\n\nluck, huh?\n\nKramer gets up and approaches Fred Savage who's sitting at a\ntable nearby.\n\nKRAMER\nHey. Oh, did I frighten you? I'm not\ncrazy. I mean, I may look\n\nweird, but I'm just like you, I'm just a regular guy just trying\nto make it in\n\nthis business. You know I really like your work, the, uh...\n\nFRED SAVAGE\nThank you.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I can't remember the name of it.\n\nFRED\nThanks.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, my mind's a blank, I'm sorta nervous,\nyou know, uh...\n\nFRED\nThat's ok. Relax, relax.\n\nKRAMER\nOk, but I got this...\n\nKramer lifts his leg and places his foot on a low table and the\ntable collapses.\n\nKRAMER\nStupid table. You know, I'm not normally\nlike this, usually I'm very\n\ncool and charming, I don't mean to bother you or anything but\nI think it's fate\n\nthat you happened to be here at the same time as me.\n\nFRED\nYeah, its fate,\n\nyou know, can't avoid your fate.\n\nKRAMER\nI got this treatment I think you'll\nbe great in.\n\nFRED\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\nSo I'd like to give it to you.\n\nFRED\nYeah, thank you, thanks a lot. Bye!\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, excuse me. Uh wait, wait.\n\nFred takes the treatment and bolts for the door. After he leaves,\nKramer gives\n\nthe rest of the patrons a thumbs-up.\n\nGeorge and Jerry are in their hotel room. Jerry's on the telephone.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, Kramer. K-R-A-M-E-R. Uh, I don't\nknow, wavy? George, how would\n\nyou describe Kramer's hair?\n\nGEORGE\nCurly.\n\nJERRY\nWavy.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat'd you ask me for?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I'll hold on. Hey George, did\nyou see a piece of paper I had on\n\nthe nightstand here, like crumpled up, like a napkin?\n\nGEORGE\nNope.\n\nJERRY\n'Cause I had like three jokes on it,\nthey were all perfectly worded just\n\nthe way I wanted to have it. Can't find it. Hello?\n\nGEORGE\nHey, a shoe buffing machine!\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, 6-3, George, how tall\nis Kramer?\n\nGEORGE\nYou got your own shampoo, conditioner,\nbody lotion! Jerry, body\n\nlotion!\n\nJERRY\nAbout 6-3.\n\nGEORGE\nOoh, a shower cap!\n\nKNOCK KNOCK KNOCK\n\nJERRY\nComing.\n\nGeorge walks to the door wearing a shower cap.\n\nLUPE\nHello. I have more towels.\n\nGEORGE\nOh good, good, come in. Come in, welcome.\nI'm George. And this is\n\nJerry, over there, on the phone, that's Jerry. And you are, um?\n\nLUPE\nLupe.\n\nGEORGE\nLupe. That's very nice, very nice. Listen,\nare you going to be making\n\nup the bed in the morning?\n\nLUPE\nYes.\n\nGEORGE\nFine. Excellent. Could you do me a favor?\nCould you not tuck the\n\nblankets in? 'Cause I can't sleep all tucked in.\n\nLUPE\nOh, yes, yes.\n\nGEORGE\nYes, I like to just be able to take\nthe blankets and swish them and\n\nswirl them, you know what I mean? You know, I don't like being\nall tucked in.\n\nI like to have a lot of room, you know I like to have my toes\npointed up in the\n\nair. Just like to scrunch up the blankets.\n\nLUPE\nYes, yes. It's too tight to sleep.\n\nGEORGE\nExactly, you know what I'm talking about,\nright?\n\nLUPE\nIt's too tight. (Gesturing towards Jerry)\nHim too?\n\nGEORGE\nUh, Jerry, you want your blankets tucked\nin?\n\nJERRY\nExcuse me, what?\n\nGEORGE\nYou want your blankets tucked in?\n\nJERRY\nWhat blankets?\n\nGEORGE\nWhen Lupe makes up the beds in the morning.\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, whatever they do.\n\nLUPE\nI tuck in? Yes?\n\nJERRY\nTuck in, tuck in.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, so that's one tuck and one\nno-tuck.\n\nLUPE\nOkay.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. One second sweetheart. Jerry,\nI really think it'd be easier if\n\nyou didn't tuck.\n\nJERRY\nExcuse me, fine, you don't want me to\ntuck, put me down for a no-tuck.\n\nGEORGE\nTwo no-tucks.\n\nJERRY\nUh, hang on a second, You know what?\nChanged my mind, make it a tuck.\n\nGEORGE\nYou just said you weren't tucking.\n\nJERRY\nI'm tucking! Hello? Hello? They hung\nup on me. They don't know where\n\nKramer is anyway.\n\nGEORGE\nAlrighty, so. That's one tuck and one\nno-tuck. Got that?\n\nJERRY\nExcuse me, um, did you see a piece of\npaper on the nightstand here\n\nearlier today crumpled up like a napkin?\n\nLUPE\nOh, yes, yes. I throw away when we clean\nthe room.\n\nJERRY\nOh, okay, thanks.\n\nLUPE\nThank you.\n\nGEORGE\nThank you.\n\nLUPE\nBye-bye.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, Lupe, bye-bye now.\n\nLUPE\nBye.\n\nGEORGE\nBye-bye.\n\nLupe exits.\n\nJERRY\nI can't believe she threw that out.\nI had like the perfect wording of a\n\nwhole joke I was gonna do about the X-ray counter at the airport,\nI was gonna do\n\nit on the Tonight Show, now I can't remember it.\n\nGEORGE\nWell what did you want her to do, you\nleft it on the night table.\n\nJERRY\nThey're not supposed to just take everything\nand throw it out!\n\nGEORGE\nHey, hey, hey! It's not Lupe's fault,\nyou shouldn't have left it out.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, just get your thing together\nand let's get out of here.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, now. What mood am I in, what\nmood am I in?\n\nCut to Jerry and George in the car, continuing their discussion.\n\nGEORGE\nYou shouldn't have tucked.\n\nJERRY\nI like it tucked.\n\nGEORGE\nNobody tucks anymore.\n\nAs Jerry drives past, Kramer exits a printing shop, gets into\nhis car and drives\n\noff, spilling dozens of 8\"x10\" publicity photos. A police office\nnotices this\n\nand picks up one of the photos.\n\nAnother murder scene. A police officer pulls a blanket over the\nbody's head,\n\nbut we catch a glimpse of the dead girl; it's Chelsea, Kramer's\nfriend from the\n\nauditions. The same two Lieutenants as before are just arriving.\n\nOFFICER\nHey, Lieutenant.\n\nLT. MARTEL\nYeah.\n\nOFFICER\nThis was found on her person.\n\nLT. MARTEL\nOn her person? What kind of expression\nis that?\n\nOFFICER\nI don't know, sir. Police lingo.\n\nLT. MARTEL\nOh yeah? What's your name, son.\n\nOFFICER\nRoss.\n\nLT. MARTEL\nRoss. Do you see that person there,\nRoss?\n\nOFFICER\nYes sir.\n\nLT. MARTEL\nShe's dead. Have you got that?\n\nOFFICER\nYes sir.\n\nLT. MARTEL\nGood. Now get out of here before you\nfind yourself on transit\n\npatrol writing tickets to senior citizens with fake bus passes.\n\nOFFICER\nYes sir.\n\nThe Lt. examines the evidence. It's a title page that says \"The\nKeys\" A movie\n\ntreatment by Kramer. The paper is torn so that the space where\nKramer's first\n\nname was is missing.\n\nLT. MARTEL\nI think we just caught a break.\n\nJerry and George are at the NBC studio.\n\nGEORGE\nThis is very exciting! You're on the\nTonight Show, NBC, who else is on\n\nthe show?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know.\n\nGEORGE\nMight meet a celebrity.\n\nJERRY\nI can't believe she threw out my napkin.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you worried about, you know\nit.\n\nJERRY\nYou gonna be alright here?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah yeah yeah yeah, go. Go about your\nbusiness, I'll just wander\n\naround.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, don't wander too far, I'll\nmeet you back here in fifteen\n\nminutes.\n\nGEORGE\nGo, go, go, don't worry about it.\n\nJerry leaves and Corbin Bernsen enters through a stage door.\nhe stands near\n\nGeorge, obviously waiting for someone.\n\nGEORGE\nHey. (pointing at him) Corbin Bernsen.\n\nCORBIN BERNSEN\nHow ya doing?\n\nGEORGE\nBig fan! Big fan.\n\nCORBIN BERNSEN\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, you grew a beard, huh?\n\nCORBIN BERNSEN\nYeah, yeah. I'm doing a movie during\nmy hiatus.\n\nGEORGE\nHey. You know, do I have a case for\nyou guys to do on L.A. Law.\n\nCORBIN BERNSEN\nReally.\n\nFlash forward to the middle of George's 'pitch'.\n\nGEORGE\n...so mind you, at this point I'm only\ngoing out with her two or three\n\nweeks. So she goes out of town and she asks me to feed her cat.\nSo at this\n\ntime, there's a lot of stuff going on in my life and, uh, it\nslips my mind for a\n\nfew days. Maybe a week. Not a week, five, six days.\n\nCORBIN BERNSEN\nYeah yeah yeah. So what happened?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, it's the damnedest thing. The\ncat dies. So she comes back into\n\ntown, she finds the cat lying on the carpet stiff as a board.\n\nCORBIN BERNSEN\nSo you killed the cat.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's what she says. I say, listen.\nIt was an old cat. It died of\n\nnatural causes. So get this, now she tells me that I gotta buy\nher a brand new\n\ncat. I say listen, honey. First of all, it was a pretty old cat.\nI'm not\n\ngonna buy you a brand new cat to replace an old dying cat. And\nsecond of all, I\n\ngo out to the garbage, I find you a new cat in fifteen seconds.\nI say, you show\n\nme an autopsy report that says this cat died of starvation, I\nspring for a new\n\ncat. So she says something to me, like, uh, I dunno, get the\nhell out of here,\n\nand she breaks up with me. Now don't you think that would be\na great case on\n\nL.A. Law?\n\nCorbin Bernsen just stares at George.\n\nFlash forward, George is now talking with George Wendt in the\nsame hallway.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't wanna tell you how to run your\nshow.\n\nGEORGE WENDT\nOh, of course not.\n\nGEORGE\nBut really, it's enough with the bar\nalready.\n\nGEORGE WENDT\nYeah, well.\n\nGEORGE\nSeriously, have they though about changing\nthe setting?\n\nGEORGE WENDT\nDoubt it, I doubt it. Yeah.\n\nGEORGE\nReally? Because people do meet in places\nbesides a bar, huh?\n\nGEORGE WENDT\nWell yeah, they do, heh heh.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about a rec room? Huh? Or a community\ncenter.\n\nGEORGE WENDT\nYeah, you oughta\n\nwrite one of those.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah?\n\nGEORGE WENDT\nYeah, I'll bring it up with the producers,\nI gotta... uh...\n\nGEORGE\nFabulous, I'll think about that George,\nthank you!\n\nJerry walks up as George Wendt leaves hastily.\n\nJERRY\nHow's it going?\n\nGEORGE\nGreat! Great! I actually just had two\nmeaningful intelligent\n\nconversations with Corbin Bernsen and George Wendt.\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, not fan talk, not gushing, you\nknow? Actual conversation, I was\n\nincredibly articulate!\n\nJERRY\nYou got toilet paper on your heel there.\n\nGeorge looks down, Jerry walks away.\n\nThe Tonight Show, George is in the audience applauding.\n\nANNOUNCER\nIt's the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.\nTonight Jay welcomes Corbin\n\nBernsen, George Wendt and comedian Jerry Seinfeld.\n\nQuick cut to Corbin Bernsen, mid-interview.\n\nCORBIN BERNSEN\nOh yeah, yeah, people are always coming\nup to me trying to give\n\nme a great case for L.A. Law, just a few seconds ago, right here,\nright outside\n\nin the hallway this nut, some sick nut comes up to me and says\nhe's supposed to\n\nwatch this girl's cat while she's away out of town. Anyway he\nforgets to feed\n\nthe cat, the cat dies, starves to death, he kills the cat, refuses\nto get her a\n\nnew one, won't give her any money, won't pay her, and he wants\nArnie Becker to\n\nrepresent him. Nice guy. Yeah, that'd make a *great* case for\nL.A. Law.\n\nThanks a lot.\n\nQuick shot of the audience, everyone is laughing besides George.\n\nCut to a police station. Helena is being questioned by Lt. Martel.\n\nHELENA\nHe's a very handsome man. Passionate,\nintense, but troubled, strange.\n\nI think he may be in love with me. Of course there's nothing\nabnormal about\n\nthat, I have many suitors.\n\nCut back to the Tonight Show, George Wendt, mid-interview.\n\nGEORGE WENDT\nIt's funny, 'cause even after all these\nyears, we still get\n\npeople giving us advice, how to improve the show. Actually, a\nfew moments ago I\n\nran into a nut back there, he said, you know, that maybe we should\nthink about,\n\nyou know, not doing the show in a bar.\n\nAnother quick shot of the audience, again everyone is laughing\nbesides George.\n\nCut back to the police station. One of the kids from the van\nKramer hitched a\n\nride to LA in (see \"The Keys\") known only as 'The Freak' is being\nquestioned by\n\nthe Lt.\n\nTHE FREAK\nSo that's when I said, \"Hey, Kramer,\ndude. You ever killed a man\n\nbefore?\" And he said, \"What do you think, Junior? These hands\nhave been\n\nsoaking in Ivory liquid?\n\nCut back to the Tonight Show, Corbin Bernsen and George Wendt\nare talking\n\nbetween takes.\n\nGEORGE WENDT\nThe guy you talked to, what did he look\nlike?\n\nCORBIN BERNSEN\nShort little bald guy with glasses.\n\nGEORGE WENDT\nYeah, yeah, that's the same guy I talked\nto.\n\nCORBIN BERNSEN\nIt never ends, does it?\n\nCut to Jerry, on stage, doing his routine.\n\nJERRY\nSo I'm going through the airport and\nI have to put my bag on that little\n\nuh, uh, the uh, that uh, the conveyor belt.\n\nQuick shot of the audience, nobody is laughing.\n\nQuick shot of an extremely uncomfortable Jerry.\n\nCut back to the police station. The Lt. is on the phone.\n\nLT. MARTEL\nIssue an arrest warrant, put out an\nAPB. Let's pick up this, uh,\n\nKramer.\n\nGeorge and Jerry are leaving the Tonight Show set,\n\nJERRY\nI was terrible.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you, crazy? You were fine.\n\nJERRY\nNah, did you hear the end? I couldn't\nremember what I was trying to\n\nsay, that whole thing about the, uh...\n\nGEORGE\nConveyor belt.\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Because she threw out my napkin.\n\nGEORGE\nI can't believe, you're blaming Lupe?\n\nJERRY\nYes, Lupe. I'm blaming Lupe.\n\nGeorge and Jerry walk past a TV and stop as a special report\nis being broadcast.\n\nTV NEWSCASTER\nOur top story tonight, there has been\na break in the so called\n\n'Smog Stranglings'. Police have just released a photo of the\nsuspect being\n\nsought in connection with the slayings. He is known only as \"Kramer\".\n\nGeorge and Jerry stare at each other in disbelief.\n\nTO BE CONTINUED.\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nTalk show hosts never seem to have any idea how much time is\nleft in the show.\n\nYou know, they're always looking off camera, \"Do we have time?\nAre we out of\n\ntime? How we doin' on time? Anybody know what the time is? What's\nthe time?\n\nCheck the time?\" You never see Magnum P.I. go, \"Should I strangle\nthis guy or\n\nare we gonna take a break here? Can you stay for another beating?\nI'll tell\n\nyou what, I'll bop him in the head, we'll do a commercial, we'll\ncome back, I'll drive in the car real fast, stay with us.\"\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Trip-Part-2.html",
    "text": "THE TRIP PART 2\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry Charles\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nThere are many different job in the police. It seems to me, that\nthe chalk outline guy is one of the better jobs that you can\nget. You know it's not dangerous, the criminals are long gone,\nthat seems like a good one. I don't know who they are, I guess\nthey're people who wanted to be a sketch artists, but they couldn't\ndraw too well...\"listen Johnson, forget the sketches. Do you\nthink if we left a dead body right there on the sidewalk, you\ncould manage to trace around it? Could you do that?\". I don't\neven know how it helps to solve the crime? You know, they look\nat the thing on the ground...\"aah his arm was like that when\nhe hit the pavement. That means the killer must've been Jim.\"\n\nOPENING SCENE\n\nGEORGE AND JERRY ARE IN A CAR. GEORGE IS GRABBING JERRY'S ARM\n\nGEORGE\nHe's on the lamb(?), he's on the loose!\n\nJERRY\nWould you let go of my arm?! I'm trying\nto drive, you're getting us both killed!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are we supposed to do? What do\nyou do on a situation like this? Should\nwe call a lawyer, should we call the\npolice?\n\nJERRY\nObviously we're gonna call the police\nand tell that he's not the guy.\n\nGEORGE\nHope he's not the guy.\n\nJERRY\nCouldn't be the guy...nah.\n\nGEORGE\nGod, I'm starved, I'm weak from hunger.\n\nJERRY\nHow can you think of food at the time\nlike this?\n\nGEORGE\nTime like what? I'm hungry. My stomach\ndoesn't know that Kramer's wanted.\n\nJERRY\nI told you to have breakfast, you should've\nhad breakfast!\n\nGEORGE\nI couldn't have breakfast, it was lunchtime!\nThe three hour time difference threw\nme. I wanted a tuna fish sandwich, they\nwouldn't serve me tuna fish sandwich,\nbecause they were only serving breakfast.\n\nJERRY\nYou should've had some eggs.\n\nGEORGE\nFor lunch? Who eats eggs for lunch?\n\nJERRY\nHave you ever heard of egg salad?\n\nGEORGE\nWhy didn't you say something then?\n\nJERRY\nI've gotta to tell you about existence\nof egg salad?\n\nGEORGE\nI need food, Jerry. I feel faint, I'm\ngetting light headed.\n\nJERRY\nI've gotta call the police, there's\na pay phone over there.\n\nGEORGE\nPay phone in L.A., look it's a miracle.\n\nCUT TO KRAMER SINGING IN A SHOWER FOLLOWED BY A FALLING SOUND\n\nBACK TO GEORGE AND JERRY ON THE STREET\n\nJERRY\nI don't have any change. You've got\nany change?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I don't have any change. I never\ncarry change.\n\nJERRY\nWell, we need change and all I have\nis twenties.\n\nGEORGE\nI have a ten.\n\nJERRY\nSo, break it.\n\nGEORGE\nI hate asking for change. They always\nmake a face. Like I'm asking them to\ndonate a kidney.\n\nJERRY\nSo, buy something.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, some mints or TicTacs.\n\nGEORGE\nBreath problem?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I just want some change.\n\nGEORGE\nTell me.\n\nJERRY\nYour breath is fine. It's delightful,\nit's delicious.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, I haven't eaten anything.\n\nJERRY\nI just wanna call the police!\n\nGEORGE\nWhy don't you just call 911?\n\nJERRY\nBut is this an emergency?\n\nGEORGE\nOf course it is.\n\nJERRY\nHow is this an emergency?\n\nGEORGE\nYour friend is been accused of being\na serial killer. I think that qualifies.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, I'll call 911. Think he did\nit? Could've he done it? Couldn't done\nit? How could've he done it? Couldn't\nbe? Could it? Hello 911? How are you?\nI'm sorry it was just a reflex...I know\nit's an emergency number...it is an\nemergency...my friend is being accused\nof being a smog strangler and I know\nhe didn't do it...they're putting me\ntrough to the detective in charge of\nthe investigation...what is my name?\nWho am I? I'm eh...George Costanza...\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's the matter with you? Are you\ncrazy? Why are you using my name?!\n\nJERRY\nOh, don't be a baby! What are you scared\nof?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat am I scared of? I'm scared of the\nsame thing that you are, everything!\nWhy don't you just use your own name?\n\nJERRY\nYour name is a good name, Costanza.\nSounds like it's stands for something,\nthey'll believe us.\n\nGEORGE\nReally?\n\nJERRY\nSure.\n\nGEORGE\nYou think so?\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah. Yes I have some very important\ninformation regarding the smog strangler.\n(George leans close) would you suck\na mint or something. Can I come right\nnow? I suppose, where are you located?\nWhere is that? I don't know where we\nare. Where are we?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know.\n\nJERRY\nWe don't know. He says ask somebody,\nask that guy.\n\nGEORGE\nExcuse me, where are we?\n\nMAN\nEarth.\n\nJERRY\nHey, you know I'm on the phone with\nthe police! Some guy just gave me a\nwise answer. Ask that woman.\n\nGEORGE\nExcuse me Ms. which street are we on?\n\nWOMAN\nI don't know.\n\nGEORGE\nYou don't know?\n\nWOMAN\nI don't know.\n\nGEORGE\nHow come you don't know what street\nare you on?\n\nWOMAN\nYou don't know.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, it says it here on the phone.\nIt's 12145 Ventura Boulevard. Aha, ok...do\nwe know where the 101 is? (George shakes\nhis head) No...do we know where 170\nis? (George shakes his head) No...do\nwe know where 134 is? (George just looks\nat Jerry) No. Aha, ok. (Jerry hangs\nup) He's gonna send a black and white\nto pick us up.\n\n(Police car rolls by the sidewalk and stops. The police listens\ntheir conversation.)\n\nGEORGE\nBlack and white?\n\nJERRY\nA cop car.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy didn't you just say that?\n\nJERRY\nI thought it sounded kind of cool.\n\nGEORGE\nOh yeah, real cool. You're a cool guy.\n\nJERRY\nOh, you are? I guaranty you, Lupe is\ngoing to tuck your covers in.\n\nGEORGE\nI'll bet you, how much?\n\nJERRY\nHer tip.\n\nGEORGE\nYou've got a bet.\n\nJERRY\nOk.\n\nGEORGE\nHow much do you tip a chamber maid?\n\nPOLICE\nWhich one of you is Costanza?\n\n(Jerry and George point at each other.)\n\nPOLICE\nGet in.\n\nGEORGE\nHi, how are you guys? Listen, does either\none of you have like a mint or piece\nof gum or...\n\nKRAMER IS SHAVING. HE SNEEZES AND GETS SHAVING CREAM ON THE MIRROR\n\nBACK TO THE POLICE CAR WITH JERRY, GEORGE AND TWO COPS\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, would you do me a favor, close\nthe window.\n\nJERRY SEARCHES FOR THE HANDLE, BUT CAN'T FIND ONE\n\nJERRY\nHey, get out of here...hey officer,\nhe's fooling around back here.\n\nCOP\nCut it up back there.\n\nGEORGE\nHe started it.\n\nJERRY\nI did not. You guys gonna go through\nsome red lights?\n\nCOP\nI don't think so.\n\nJERRY\nBut you could?\n\nCOP\nOh yeah, of course we could. We can\ndo anything we want.\n\nCOP 2\nWe could drive on the wrong side of\nthe road.\n\nCOP\nYeah, we do that all the time. You should\nsee the looks on people's faces.\n\nCOP 2\nShoot people...\n\nGEORGE\nYou guys ever shot anybody?\n\nCOPS\nNo...\n\nGEORGE\nHey, can I flip on the siren?\n\nJERRY\nWhy are you bothering them for?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm just asking, all they have to do\nis say no.\n\nCOP\nYeah, go ahead.\n\nGEORGE TRIES THE SIREN.\n\nGEORGE\nWohoo, check it out.\n\nJERRY\nCan I try it?\n\nCOP\nYeah, go ahead, hurry up.\n\nJERRY TRIES THE SIREN\n\nJERRY\nScared the hell out of that guy.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know what I never understood? Why\ndid they change the siren noise? When\nI was a kid it was always \"waaaa, waaaa\",\nyou know now it \"woo-woo-woo-woo-woo\".\nWhy did they do that, did they do some\nresearch? Did they find that woo-woo\nwas more effective than waa?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, what about those English sirens,\nyou know...eee-aaa-eee-aaa-eee-aaa...\n\nJERRY AND GEORGE\nEee-aaa-eee-aaa-eee-aaa...\n\nCOP\nHey!\n\nKRAMER IS COMBING HIS HAIR. TRYING TO GET THE COMB THROUGH.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm dizzy.\n\nBACK TO THE POLICE CAR\n\nJERRY\nNice shotgun.\n\nCOP\nThanks.\n\nJERRY\nClean as a whistle.\n\nGEORGE\nYou could eat of that shotgun.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is that, a 12 gauge?\n\nCOP\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\n12 gauge. Seems to be the most popular\ngauge.\n\nGEORGE\nMy favorite.\n\nJERRY\nMine too, love the 12 gauge.\n\nGEORGE\nMakes the 11 gauge look like a cap pistol.\n\nCOP\nWhat do got over there?\n\nCOP 2\nI don't know.\n\nCOP\nLooks like a possible 5-19.\n\nJERRY\n5-19? What's a 5-19?\n\nGEORGE\nWhere?\n\nCOP 2\nThink so?\n\nCOP\nLooks like it.\n\nJERRY\nI can't believe this. A 5-19?\n\nGEORGE\nWhere, where? I can't see.\n\nCOP\nThis is car 23, we have a possible 5-19\nin progress, over.\n\nCOP 2\nAll right, let's pull over and check\nit out.\n\nJERRY\nPull over? You can't pull over.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you doing? Where do you think\nyou're going?\n\nJERRY\nPull over? The lieutenant is waiting\nto see us.\n\nGEORGE\nHey hey hey, we're in a rush here.\n\nJERRY\nWe have an appointment!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you doing?!\n\nJERRY\nGreat.\n\nCOPS GO TO ARREST A GUY FOR TRYING TO STEAL A CAR\n\nGEORGE\nThere's a bag of Pepperidge Farm cookies\nup there.\n\nJERRY\nWhich flavor?\n\nGEORGE\nMilano.\n\nJERRY\nCops eating Milanos. What crazy town\nis this?\n\nGEORGE\nShould I take some?\n\nJERRY\nI think that's a 5-19.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm starving...\n\nGEORGE REACHES FOR THE COOKIES AND THE COPS SLAM A GUY ON THE\nHOOD AND GEORGE BACKS AWAY\n\nJERRY\nThey're busting this guy.\n\nGEORGE\nThey're cuffing him.\n\nJERRY\nI can't believe this.\n\nGEORGE GET CLOSER TO JERRY AND THEY THROW THE GUY NEXT TO GEORGE\n\nMONOLOGUE\n\nI can't believe that cops still have to read that whole \"you\nhave the right to remain silence\"-speech to every criminal they\narrest. I mean is there anybody who doesn't know that by now?\nCan't they just go \"Freeze, you're under arrest. You've ever\nseen Baretta? Yeah, good, get in the car.\"\n\nBACK TO POLICE CAR\n\nGEORGE\nHi.\n\nJERRY\nHi, I'm Jerry.\n\nGEORGE\nGeorge, how you doing?\n\nGEORGE OFFERS HIS HAND, BUT THE GUY IS IN CUFFS\n\nGUY\nWhat did you do?\n\nGEORGE\nNothing.\n\nJERRY\nNothing.\n\nGUY\nOh yeah right, me neither. Hey I didn't\ndo nothing!\n\nCOP\nShut up.\n\nJERRY\nHot out.\n\nGUY\nBrutal.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat do you tip a chamber maid.\n\nGUY\nI don't know, five bucks a night.\n\nJERRY\nNo, a dollar, two tops.\n\nGUY\nHey, you guys aren't cuffed. What are\nyou, narks?\n\nGEORGE\nNarks?\n\nJERRY\nImagine, us narks?\n\nGEORGE\nNo no no, you know actually we are friends\nof a serial killer.\n\nGUY\nReally? Well, that's very nice.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, thank you.\n\nJERRY\nSuspected serial killer, he didn't actually\ndo it.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah well, we don't think.\n\nJERRY\nWe're pretty sure.\n\nGUY\nA dollar a night?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, that's a good tip!\n\nGUY\nThat stinks!\n\nJERRY\nI read it in Ann Landers.\n\nGUY\nOh, Ann Landers sucks!\n\nCOP 2\nHey, shut it up back there.\n\nPOLICE RADIO\nAttention all units, attention all units,\nall units code 3. All units in the area,\ncode 3 in progress, 1648 North Bartholis,\nunits required for assistance in apprehension\nof 702.\n\nCOP\nThat's smog strangler.\n\nJERRY\nKramer.\n\nCOP 2\nGot him. Let's go.\n\nPOLICE CAR COMES TO THE SCENE. JERRY OPENS THE BACK DOOR THROUGH\nTHE WINDOW AND THEY GO AFTER THE COPS\n\nJERRY\nI wanna see what's happening.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know why I'm doing this.\n\nLT MARTEL KNOCKS ON A DOOR AND KRAMER OPENS\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, George!\n\nLT. MARTEL\nYou are under arrest in first degree\nmurder and death of Ms Chelsea Lang.\n\nTHE CAR THIEVE GUY RUNS AWAY FROM THE DOOR THAT JERRY AND GEORGE\nLEFT OPEN\n\nKRAMER IS RUSHED THROUGH A GROUP OF PRESS\n\nREPORTERS\nWhy did you do it? What possessed you?\n\nKRAMER\nI don't know...\n\nCOUNTY OF LOS ANGELES CENTRAL JAIL\n\nJERRY AND GEORGE ARE VISITING KRAMER\n\nKRAMER\nHey, how are you doing? Jerry! George!\n\nJERRY\nWe're doing fine. How are you?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat me? Fabulous, just fabulous. I've\ngot a lot of auditions, a lot of call\nbacks and I've got a lot of interest\nfor my movie treatment. I'm in development,\nI'm in developed vehicles. And there's\na lot of energy here, man. You know,\nthe vibe, it's powerful. I'm just swept\nup at it. Yeah, I'm a player.\n\nGEORGE\nA player?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, a player...\n\nJERRY\nKramer, do you realize what's going\non here? Do you know why you're here?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat? What this? I'll be out of here\nin couple of hours. Hey, guess who I\nmet today? Rick Savage, oh nice kid,\nreally good kid. You know, we're talking\nabout doing a project together.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, you've been arrested as a serial\nkiller!\n\nKRAMER\nSo? I'm innocent! I mean you guys believe\nthat I'm innocent, don't you? Jerry?\nGeorge?\n\nJERRY\nWell, yeah...sure.\n\nPOLICE\nKramer, let's go. The Lieutenant wants\nto see you.\n\nKRAMER\nOk, yeah. All right look, I'll be out\nof here by noon. Maybe we'll have lunch\ntogether, huh?\n\nKRAMER GOES WITH THE POLICE OFFICER, BUT ASKS IF HE COULD SAY\nJUST ONE MORE THING\n\nKRAMER\nHelp me!! Help me!\n\nOFFICER DRAGS KRAMER AWAY\n\nKRAMER IS BEEN INTERROGATED BY LT. MARTEL\n\nKRAMER\nI didn't kill anyone, I swear! I swear\nto God!\n\nLT. MARTEL\nDon't you ever swear to my God, Kramer.\nMy God is the god who protects the innocent\nand punishes the evil scum like you,\nhave you got that?\n\nKRAMER\nYou're making a big mistake.\n\nLT. MARTEL\nNo! You have made the mistake, Kramer.\nSickies like you always do. The only\ndifference is that this time you're\ngonna pay.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nLT. MARTEL\nNow you might beat the gas chamber Kramer,\nbut as long as I have got a breath in\nmy body you will never ever see the\nlight of day again.\n\nKRAMER\nWow wow wow wow, you've got the wrong\nman!! It wasn't me!\n\nLT. MARTEL\nOh yeah, right. Maybe it was one of\nyour other personalities huh, the wise\nguy, the little kid, the bellhop, the\nball player, maybe the door to door\nvacuum cleaner salesman, but not you\nright? No, you wouldn't hurt a fly.\nYou just couldn't help yourself, could\nyou Kramer? You saw life brimming brightly\nwith optimism and verve and you just\nhad to snuff it out.\n\nKRAMER\nOk, can I just talk to somebody? Can\nI just explain...\n\nLT. MARTEL\nI'm not interested in your explanations,\nKramer! Sure, I bet you've got a million\nof 'em. Maybe your mother didn't love\nyou enough, maybe the teacher didn't\ncall on you in school when you had your\nlittle hand raised, maybe the pervert\nin the park had a present in his pants,\nhuh? Well, I've got another theory Kramer:\nyou're a weed.\n\nKRAMER\nNo...\n\nLT. MARTEL\nSociety is filled with them. They're\nchoking the life out of the all pretty\nflowers.\n\nKRAMER SOBS\n\nLT. MARTEL\nYou see something even remotely pretty\nand you have to choke the life out if\nit, don't you Kramer?\n\nKRAMER CRIES\n\nLT. MARTEL\nYou killed all the pretty flowers, didn't\nyou Kramer? You killed the pretty little\nflowers, didn't you? You dirty, filthy,\nstinky weed! Didn't you?\n\nPHONE RINGS\n\nOFFICER\nLieutenant, it's for you.\n\nLT. MARTEL\nMartel...yeah...yeah...yeah...yeah.\n\nKRAMER KEEPS CRYING\n\nOFFICER\nWhat it is, Lieutenant?\n\nLT. MARTEL\nLet him go.\n\nOFFICER\nWhat, but Lieutenant?\n\nLT. MARTEL\nYou heard me, let him go. They just\nfound another body at the Laurel Canyon.\nGo on Kramer, get out of my sight.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, how did you know about the guy\nin the park?\n\nLT. MARTEL\nI said beat it!\n\nJERRY AND GEORGE ARE WAITING OUTSIDE OF THE JAIL\n\nKRAMER WALKS OUT\n\nKRAMER\nHahaa!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened?\n\nKRAMER\nSomebody got killed while they had me\nin custody.\n\nJERRY\nReally? Did you hear that? Somebody\nelse was killed!\n\nGEORGE\nYou're kidding? Somebody else got killed?\n\nJERRY\nWhile you were in jail. So you're free.\n\nKRAMER\nYes, I'm free. (singing) 'cause the\nmurderer struck again!\n\nTHEY ALL DANCE A FEW STEPS AND THEN AS A POLICE GOES BY THEY\nLEAVE QUIETLY\n\nKRAMER, JERRY AND GEORGE AT THE HILLS OF L.A.\n\nJERRY\nSo Kramer, what are you going to do?\n\nKRAMER\nDo? Do? Hey, I'm doing what I do. You\nknow, I've always done what I do. I'm\ndoing what I do, way I've always done\nand the way I'll always do it.\n\nGEORGE\nKramer, what the hell are you talking\nabout?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat do you want me to say? That the\nthings haven't worked out the way that\nI planned? That I'm struggling, barely\nable to keep my head above water? That\nL.A. is a cold place even in the middle\nof the summer? That it's a lonely place\neven when your stuck in traffic at the\nHollywood Freeway? That I'm no better\nthan a screenwriter driving a cab, a\nstarlet turning tricks, a producer in\na house he can't afford? Is that what\nyou want me to say?\n\nGEORGE\nI'd like to hear that.\n\nJERRY\nYeah...\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I'm not saying that! You know,\nthings are going pretty well for me\nhere. I met a girl...\n\nJERRY\nKramer, she was murdered!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well I wasn't looking for a long\nterm relationship. I was on TV.\n\nGEORGE\nAs a suspect in a serial killing.\n\nKRAMER\nOk, yeah, you guys got to put a negative\nspin on everything.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat did they put on this tuna? Tastes\nlike a dill, I think it's a dill.\n\nJERRY\nSo you're not gonna come back to New\nYork with us?\n\nKRAMER\nNo no I'm not ready, things are starting\nto happen.\n\nGEORGE\nTaste this, is this a dill?\n\nJERRY\nNo, it's tarragon. Hey Kramer, I'm sorry\nabout that whole fight we had about\nyou having my apartment keys and everything.\n\nKRAMER\nOk, it's forgotten.\n\nGEORGE\nTarragon? Oh, you're crazy.\n\nJERRY\nWell, take it easy.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, ok.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, take care. Stay in touch.\n\nKRAMER\nHey hey, whoa come on give me a hug...\n\nJERRY\nOh, no...\n\nGEORGE\nNo, you're crushing my sandwich.\n\nJERRY AND GEORGE AT THE HOTEL. GEORGE IS KICKING THE TUCKED COVERS.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, it's so nice when it happens to\nyou.\n\nBACK TO JERRY'S APARTMENT. GEORGE AND JERRY ARE WATCHING TV.\n\nGEORGE\nMint?\n\nJERRY\nNo thanks.\n\nGEORGE\nI've got to tell you, I'm really disappointed\nin Lupe.\n\nJERRY\nIt's been three days already, forget\nabout Lupe.\n\nGEORGE\nDo you think she gets to take any of\nthose little bars of soap home?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I don't.\n\nGEORGE\nYou would think that at the end of the\nweek when they hand out the checks,\nthrow in a few soaps.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, maybe they should throw in a couple\nof lamps too.\n\nGEORGE\nI'll tell you something, if I'd own\na company, my employees would love me.\nThey'd have huge pictures of me up on\nthe walls and in their home, like Lenin.\n\nJERRY\nHow much did you wound up tipping her?\n\nGEORGE\nOh my God, I forgot!\n\nJERRY\nWell, communism didn't work.\n\nKRAMER WALKS IN\n\nKRAMER\nHey!\n\nKRAMER GOES TO THE FRIDGE\n\nKRAMER\nAny mustard? This is empty.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, there's a new one in there.\n\nKRAMER\nNo no, I don't like this one. It's too\nyellow. Any pickles?\n\nJERRY\nHelp yourself.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, all right.\n\nGEORGE\nKramer, what are you doing here?\n\nKRAMER\nGetting something to eat.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, here!\n\nJERRY THROWS THE APARTMENT KEYS TO KRAMER. KRAMER WALKS OUT AND\nCOMES BACK WITH HIS KEYS.\n\nHE THROWS THEM TO THE TABLE KNOCKING JERRY'S SODA.\n\nACTION NEWS. KEITH MORRISON.\n\nNEWSCASTER\nAuthorities exposed today, that the\nlatest suspect in the smog strangling\nwas apprehended this week on an unrelated\ncharge, but somehow managed to escape\nfrom the police car, in which he was\nbeing held. Tobias Lehigh Nagy, who\nis also wanted in connection with a\nseries of unrelated slains in the North\nWest is still at large, his whereabouts\nunknown. He's described as 5'5\" bald\nand reputedly a very generous tipper.\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nThe thing about L.A. to me, that kind of threw me, was when they\nhave these smog alerts out there and they actually recommend\nthat people stay indoors during the smog alert. Now, maybe I'm\nway off, but don't you think, wouldn't you assume, that the air\nin the house pretty much comes from the air in the city where\nthe house is? I mean what do they think, that we live in a jar\nwith couple of holes punched in the top? What the hell is going\non out there? It's very strange, do you realize that it's now\npossible for parents to say to their children \"All right kids,\nI want you in the house and get some fresh air! Summer vacation,\neverybody indoors.\"\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Pitch.html",
    "text": "THE PITCH\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David\n\n(At club bar)\n\nJerry and George are talking. Stu and Jay enter.\n\nSTU\nExcuse me, Jerry? I'm Stu Chermak. I'm\nwith NBC.\n\nJERRY\nHi.\n\nSTU\nCould we speak for a few moments?\n\nJERRY\nSure.\n\nJAY\nHi, Jay Crespi.\n\nJERRY\nHello.\n\nGEORGE\nUh, C-R-E-S-P-I?\n\nJAY\nThat's right.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm unbelievable at spelling last names.\nGive me a last name.\n\nJAY\nMm, I'm not-\n\nJERRY\nGeorge-\n\nGEORGE\n(backing off) Huh? All right, fine.\n\nSTU\nFirst of all, that was a terrific show.\n\nJERRY\nOh thank you very much.\n\nSTU\nAnd basically, I just wanted to let\nyou know that we've been\n\ndiscussing you at some of our meetings and we'd be very interested\nin\n\ndoing something.\n\nJERRY\nReally? Wow.\n\nSTU\nSo, if you have any idea for like a\nTV show for yourself, well,\n\nwe'd just love to talk about it.\n\nJERRY\nI'd be very interested in something\nlike that.\n\nSTU\nWell, here, uh, why don't you give us\na call and maybe we can develop\n\na series.\n\nThey start to exit.\n\nJERRY\nOkay. Great. Thanks.\n\nSTU\nIt was very nice meeting you.\n\nJERY\nThank you.\n\nJAY\nNice meeting you.\n\nJERRY\nNice meeting you.\n\n(George returns)\n\nGEORGE\nWhat was that all about?\n\nJERRY\nThey said they were interested in me.\n\nGEORGE\nFor what?\n\nJERRY\nYou know, a TV show.\n\nGEORGE\nYour own show?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I guess so.\n\nGEORGE\nThey want you to do a TV show?\n\nJERRY\nWell, they want me to come up with an\nidea. I mean, I don't have\n\nany ideas.\n\nGEORGE\nCome on, how hard is that? Look at all\nthe junk that's on TV.\n\nYou want an idea? Here's an idea. You coach gymnastics team in\nhigh\n\nschool. And you're married. And your son's not interested in\ngymnastics\n\nand you're pushing him into gymnastics.\n\nJERRY\nWhy should I care if my son's into gymnastics?\n\nGEORGE\nBecause you're a gymnastics teacher.\nIt's only natural.\n\nJERRY\nBut gymnastics is not for everybody.\n\nGEORGE\nI know, but he's your son.\n\nJERRY\nSo what?\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, forget that idea, it's not\nfor you....Okay, okay, I\n\ngot it. You run an antique store.\n\nJERRY\nYeah and...?\n\nGEORGE\nAnd people come in the store and you\nget involved in their\n\nlives.\n\nJERRY\nWhat person who runs an antique store\ngets involved in people's\n\nlives?\n\nGEORGE\nWhy not?\n\nJERRY\nSo someone comes in to buy an old lamp\nand all of a sudden I'm\n\ngetting them out of a jam? I could see if I was a pharmacist\nbecause a\n\npharmacist knows what's wrong with everybody that comes in.\n\nGEORGE\nI know, but antiques are very popular\nright now.\n\nJERRY\nNo they're not, they used to be.\n\nGEORGE\nOh yeah, like you know.\n\nJERRY\nOh like you do.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nKRAMER\n...And you're the manager of the circus.\n\nJERRY\nA circus?\n\nKRAMER\nCome on, this is a great idea. Look\nat the characters. You've\n\ngot all these freaks on the show. A woman with a moustache? I\nmean, who\n\nwouldn't tune in to see a women with a moustache? You've for\nthe\n\ntallest man in the world; a guy who's just a head.\n\nJERRY\nI don't think so.\n\nKRAMER\nLook Jerry, the show isn't about the\ncircus, it's about watching\n\nfreaks.\n\nJERRY\nI don't think the network will go for\nit.\n\nKRAMER\nWhy not?\n\nJERRY\nLook, I'm not pitching a show about\nfreaks.\n\nKRAMER\nOh come on Jerry, you're wrong. People\nthey want to watch freaks.\n\nThis is a \"can't miss.\"\n\nNEWMAN\nKramer.\n\nJERRY\nHello Newman.\n\nNEWMAN\nCome on lets go. I got the helmet. Lets\nget the radar detector.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right I'll be back in a second.\nYou guys coming to my party? (exits)\n\nTOGETHER\nYeah, sure.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's this all about?\n\nNEWMAN\nWe're making a trade. I'm giving him\nmy motorcycle helmet - he's giving me\nhis radar detector.\n\nJERRY\nI didn't know you had a motorctcle.\n\nNEWMAN\nWell my girlfriend had one.\n\nJERRY\nYou have a girlfriend?\n\nNEWMAN\nI HAD a girlfriend and she was pretty\nwild.\n\nJERRY\nI never remember you with a girl.\n\nNEWMAN\nNevertheless, ...\n\nJERRY\nThis is a pretty bad deal for Kramer.\nYou know a radar detector is worth much\nmore than that helmet. I think you're\ncheating him.\n\nNEWMAN\nDon't say anything.\n\nJERRY\nAll right.\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nJERRY\nYou know you're getting gypped over\nhere.\n\nKRAMER\nReally, Ah,\n\nNEWMAN\nWe had a deal. Are you reneging out\nof the deal? Are you reneging? That's\na renege.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, stop saying 'reneging\".\n\nNEWMAN\nWell you're reneging.\n\nKRAMER\nI, Okay, okay. I'm not reneging.\n\n(they try to exchange items but won't let go)\n\nNEWMAN\nAll right give it to me. let go ...\n\nKRAMER\nYou let go - come on ...(they fight\nover the items)\n\nJERRY\nGimme that - just gimme that. Here.\nIdiots!\n\nNEWMAN\nThanks buddy. So long he he ...(exits)\n\nJERRY\nDoes that thing work?\n\nKRAMER\nNah.\n\nAt Monks.\n\n(Jerry and George enter.)\n\nJERRY\n... I just got a postcard from Elaine?\n\nGEORGE\nReally?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, they're in London now. They'll\nbe back in a few weeks.\n\nGEORGE\nI can't believe she got involved with\na shrink.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, what's happening with the TV show?\nYou come up with anything?\n\nJERRY\nNo, nothing.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy don't they have salsa on the table?\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you need salsa for?\n\nGEORGE\nSalsa is now the number one condiment\nin America.\n\nJERRY\nYou know why? Because people like to\nsay \"salsa.\" \"Excuse me, do\n\nyou have salsa?\" \"We need more salsa.\" \"Where is the salsa? No\nsalsa?\"\n\nGEORGE\nYou know it must be impossible for a\nSpanish person to order\n\nseltzer and not get salsa. (Angry) \"I wanted seltzer, not salsa.\"\n\nJERRY\n\"Don't you know the difference between\nseltzer and salsa?? You\n\nhave the seltezer after the salsa!\"\n\nGEORGE\nSee, this should be a show. This is\nthe show.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nThis. Just talking.\n\nJERRY\n(dismissing) Yeah, right.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm really serious. I think that's a\ngood idea.\n\nJERRY\nJust talking? Well what's the show about?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's about nothing.\n\nJERRY\nNo story?\n\nGEORGE\nNo forget the story.\n\nJERRY\nYou've got to have a story.\n\nGEORGE\nWho says you gotta have a story? Remember\nwhen we were waiting for,\n\nfor that table in that Chinese restaurant that time? That could\nbe a TV\n\nshow.\n\nJERRY\nAnd who is on the show? Who are the\ncharacters?\n\nGEORGE\nI could be a character.\n\nJERRY\nYou?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. You could base a character on\nme.\n\nJERRY\nSo, on the show, there's a character\nnamed George Costanza?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. There's something wrong with that?\nI'm a character. People are always saying\nto me, \"You know you're a quite a character.\"\n\nJERRY\nAnd who else is on the show?\n\nGEORGE\nElaine could be a character. Kramer..\n\nJERRY\nNow he's a character. (Pause) So everybody\nI know is a character on the show.\n\nGEORGE\nRight.\n\nJERRY\nAnd it's about nothing?\n\nGEORGE\nAbsolutely nothing.\n\nJERRY\nSo you're saying, I go in to NBC, and\ntell them I got this idea for a show\nabout nothing.\n\nGEORGE\nWe go into NBC.\n\nJERRY\n\"We\"? Since when are you a writer?\n\nGEORGE\n(Scoffs) Writer. We're talking about\na sit-com.\n\nJERRY\nYou want to go with me to NBC?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. I think we really go something\nhere.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do we got?\n\nGEORGE\nAn idea.\n\nJERRY\nWhat idea?\n\nGEORGE\nAn idea for the show.\n\nJERRY\nI still don't know what the idea is.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's about nothing.\n\nJERRY\nRight.\n\nGEORGE\nEverybody's doing something, we'll do\nnothing.\n\nJERRY\nSo, we go into NBC, we tell them we've\ngot an idea for a show about nothing.\n\nGEORGE\nExactly.\n\nJERRY\nThey say, \"What's your show about?\"\nI say, \"Nothing.\"\n\nGEORGE\nThere you go.\n\n(A moment passes)\n\nJERRY\n(Nodding) I think you may have something\nthere.\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Jerry's explaining George's idea to Kramer)\n\nJERRY\nSo, the show would be about my real\nlife. And one of the characters would\nbe based on you.\n\nKRAMER\n(Thinks) No, I don't think so.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you mean you don't think so?\n\nKRAMER\nI don't like it.\n\nJERRY\nI don't understand. What don't you like\nabout it?\n\nKRAMER\nI don't like the idea of a character\nbased on me.\n\nJERRY\nWhy not?\n\nKRAMER\nwell it just doesn't sit well.\n\nJERRY\nYou're my neighbor. There's got to be\na character based on you.\n\nKRAMER\nThat's your problem, buddy.\n\nJERRY\nI don't understand what the big deal\nis.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, I'll tell you what - you can do\nit on one condition.\n\nJERRY\nWhatever you want.\n\nKRAMER\nI get to play Kramer.\n\nJERRY\nYou can't play Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nI am Kramer.\n\nJERRY\nBut you can't act.\n\nKRAMER\nPhew!\n\n(Newman enters)\n\nJERRY\nOkay, fine. We'll use Newman.\n\nKRAMER\nNewman?\n\nNEWMAN\nUse me for what?\n\nJERRY\nNothin' What do you want?\n\nNEWMAN\nWell, you'll never guess what happened\nto me today. I was uh, driving ( Jerry\nand Kramer turn away) home on the palisades\nparkway when I looked in the rear view\nmirror and what did I see? The fuzz.\nAnd it's funny because my new radar\ndetector was on. I didn't hear a thing.\nIsn't that strange?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. That's strange.\n\nNEWMAN\nA radar detector, as I understand it,\nDETECTS RADAR! WITH A SERIES OF BEEPS\nAND FLASHING LIGHTS. But oddly, for\nsome reason I didn't hear a thing except\nfor the sound of a police siren.\n\nKRAMER\nThat's queer uh?\n\nNEWMAN\nI WANT MY HELMET BACK! GIVE ME BACK\nMY HELMET AND YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR\nTHAT TICKET.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, you better think again Mojumbo.\n\nNEWMAN\nYou gave me a defective detector. ...\nJerry?\n\nJERRY\nBuyer beware.\n\nNEWMAN\nAre you going to give me back that helmet\nor not?\n\nKRAMER\nNo. We had a deal. There are no guarantees\nin life.\n\nNEWMAN\nNo, but there's karma, Kramer.\n\nJERRY\nKarma Kramer?\n\nNEWMAN\nAnd one more thing. I'm not coming to\nyour party. (exits)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n( NBC reception area)\n\n(Jerry and George are waiting)\n\nJERRY\n(To himself) Salsa, seltzer. Hey, excuse\nme, you got any salsa? No, not selzer,\nsalsa. (George doesn't react) What's\nthe matter?\n\nGEORGE\n(Nervous) Nothing.\n\nJERRY\nYou sure? You look a little pale.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I'm fine. I'm good. I'm very good.\n\nJERRY\nWhat, are you nervous?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, not nervous. I'm good, very good.\n(A beat, then he snaps) I can't do this!\nCan't do this!\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nI can't do this! I can't do it. I have\ntried. I'm here. It's impossible.\n\nJERRY\nThis was your idea!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat idea? I just said something. I\ndidn't know you were going to listen\nto me.\n\nJERRY\nDont' worry about it. They're just TV\nexecutives.\n\nGEORGE\nThey're men with jobs, Jerry! They wear\nsuits and ties. They're married, they\nhave secretaries.\n\nJERRY\nI told you not to come.\n\nGEORGE\nI need some water. I gotta get some\nwater.\n\nJERRY\nThey'll give us water in there.\n\nGEORGE\nReally? That's pretty good.\n\n(Jerry looks into hallway)\n\nJERRY\nOh God, it's Joe Devola.\n\nGEORGE\nWho?\n\nJERRY\nThis guy's a writer, he's a total nut.\nI think he goes to the same shrink as\nElaine.\n\nJERRY\nOh God he saw me.\n\nDEVOLA\nHello Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHey Joe! HOW YOU DOING?\n\nDEVOLA\nYou're under no obligation to shake\nmy hand.\n\nJERRY\nOh, no, Just a custom. Uh, THAT'S MY\nFRIEND GEORGE. YOU LOOK GOOD.\n\nDEVOLA\nWhy shouldn't I look good?\n\nJERRY\nOh, no reason. You're into karate right?\n\nDEVOLA\nYou want to hit me?\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you doing here?\n\nDEVOLA\nI dreopped a script off.\n\nJERRY\nAH, GOOD FOR YOU.\n\n(they stare at each other)\n\nJERRY\nWell, ...\n\nDEVOLA\nYou don't have to say anything.\n\nJERRY\nNo, Uh, hey I guess I'll see you Sunday\nnight.\n\nDEVOLA\nWhy?\n\nJERRY\nKramer's party.\n\nDEVOLA\nKramer's ... having ... a ... party?\n\nJERRY\nNo, no, he's not having a party. He's\ndoing something. I don't know what it\nis. It's nothing. He's not doing anything.\n\nDEVOLA\nGee, I thought Kramer and I were very\nclose friends.\n\nJERRY\nNo, I'm sure you are. I'm sure you are\nvery close friends. Very close.\n\n(Crazy Joe leaves)\n\nJERRY\nGive my best to Hinckley.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat was that?\n\nJERRY\nI can't believe what I just did. I didn't\nknow kramer didn't invite him. I better\ncall Kramer, ...\n\n(before he can dial)\n\nRECEPTIONIST\nThey're ready for you.\n\nGEORGE\nOkay, okay. Look, you do all the talking,\nokay?\n\nJERRY\nRelax. Who are they?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, they're not better than me.\n\nJERRY\nCourse not.\n\nGEORGE\nWho are they?\n\nJERRY\nThey're nobody.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about me?\n\nJERRY\nWhat about you?\n\nGEORGE\nWhy them? Why not me?\n\nJERRY\nWhy not you?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm as good as them.\n\nJERRY\nBetter.\n\nGEORGE\nYou really think so?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\n(The door opens, and, from Jerry and George's point of view,\nfour executives stand up)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n( NBC president's office)\n\n(Stu Chermak, Susan Ross, Jay Crespi, and Russell Dalrymple,\nthe head of the network, are all talking with Jerry and George)\n\nSTU\n(To Jerry, laughing about one of his\nbits) The bit, the bit I really liked\nwhat were the parakeet flew into the\nmirror. Now that's funny.\n\nGEORGE\nThe parakeet in the mirror. That's a\ngood one, Stu.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, it's one of my favorites.\n\nRUSSELL\nWhat about you, George? Have you written\nanything we might know?\n\nGEORGE\n(Quickly making it up) Well, possibly.\nI wrote an off-Broadway show, \"La Cocina.\"\n..Actually, it was off-off-Broadway.\nIt was a comedy about a Mexican chef.\n\nJERRY\nOh, it was very funny. There was one\ngreat scene with the chef - what was\nhis name?\n\nGEORGE\nPepe.\n\nJERRY\nOh, Pepe. Yeah, Pepe. And, uh, he was\nmaking tamales.\n\nSUSANEWMAN\nOh, he actually cooked on the stage?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no, he mimed it. That's what was\nso funny about it.\n\nRUSSELL\nSo, what have you two come up with?\n\nJERRY\nWell, we've thought about this in a\nvariety of ways. But the basic idea\nis I will play myself-\n\nGEORGE\n(Interrupting) May I?\n\nJERRY\nGo ahead.\n\nGEORGE\nI think I can sum up the show for you\nwith one word: NOTHING.\n\nRUSSELL\nNothing?\n\nGEORGE\n(Smiling) Nothing.\n\nRUSSELL\n(Unimpressed) What does that mean?\n\nGEORGE\nThe show is about nothing.\n\nJERRY\n(To George) Well, it's not about nothing.\n\nGEORGE\n(To Jerry) No, it's about nothing.\n\nJERRY\nWell, maybe in philosophy. But, even\nnothing is something.\n\n(Jerry and George glare at each other. The receptionist enters)\n\nRECEPTIONIST\nMr. Dalrymple, your niece is on the\nphone.\n\nRUSSELL\nI'll call back.\n\n(Receptionist leaves)\n\nGEORGE\n(Attempting to spell his last name)\nD-A-L-R-I-M-P-E-L?\n\nRUSSELL\n(Obviously dislikes George) Not even\nclose.\n\nGEORGE\nIs it with a \"y\"?\n\nRUSSELL\nNo.\n\nSUSANEWMAN\nWhat's the premise?\n\nJERRY\n..Well, as I was saying, I would play\nmyself, and, as a comedian, living in\nNew York, I have a friend, a neighbor,\nand an ex-girlfriend, which is all true.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, but nothing happens on the show.\nYou see, it's just like life. You know,\nyou eat, you go shopping, you read..\nYou eat, you read, You go shopping.\n\nRUSSELL\nYou read? You read on the show?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I don't know about the reading..\nWe didn't discuss the reading.\n\nRUSSELL\nAll right, tell me, tell me about the\nstories. What kind of stories?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, no. No stories.\n\nRUSSELL\nNo stories? So, what is it?\n\nGEORGE\n(Showing an example) What'd you do today?\n\nRUSSELL\nI got up and came to work.\n\nGEORGE\nThere's a show. That's a show.\n\nRUSSELL\n(Confused) How is that a show?\n\nJERRY\nWell, uh, maybe something happens on\nthe way to work.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no, no. Nothing happens.\n\nJERRY\nWell, something happens.\n\nRUSSELL\nWell, why am I watching it?\n\nGEORGE\nBecause it's on TV.\n\nRUSSELL\n(Threatening) Not yet.\n\nGEORGE\nOkay, uh, look, if you want to just\nkeep on doing the same old thing, then\nmaybe this idea is not for you. I, for\none, am not going to compromise my artistic\nintegrity. And I'll tell you\n\nsomething else, this is the show and we're not going to change\nit. (To Jerry) Right?\n\n(A moment passes)\n\nJERRY\n(To Russell) How about this: I manage\na circus..\n\n(Monks)\n\nJERRY\nI don't even want to talk about it anymore.\nWhat were you thinking? What was going\non in your mind? Artistic integrity?\nWhere, where did you come up with that?\nYou're not artistic and you have no\nintegrity. You know you really need\nsome help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't\neven help you. You need to go to like\nVienna or something. You know what I\nmean? You need to get involved at the\nUniversity level. Like where Freud studied\nand have all those people looking at\nyou and checking up on you. That's the\nkind of help you need. Not the once\na week for eighty bucks. No. You need\na team. A team of psychiatrists working\nround the clock thinking about you,\nhaving conferences, observing you, like\nthe way they did with the Elephant Man.\nThat's what I'm talking about because\nthat's the only way you're going to\nget better.\n\nGEORGE\n... I thought the woman was kind of\ncute.\n\nJERRY\nHold it. I really want to be clear about\nthis. Are you talking about the woman\nin the meeting? Is that the woman you're\ntalking about?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, I thought I might give her a call.\nI, I don't meet that many women. I meet\nlike three women a year. I mean, we've\nbeen introduced. She knows my name.\n\nJERRY\nIT'S COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE!\n\nGEORGE\nWhy? Maybe she liked me. I, I mean she\nwas looking right at me. You know, I\nthink she was impressed. You know, we\nhad good eye contact the whole meeting.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I forgot to call Kramer.\n\nGEORGE\nWait a minute let me call Susan.\n\nJERRY\nNo, no this is more important.\n\nGEORGE\nShe might be leaving to work any minute.\n\nJERRY\nNo, I got to warn him that I told Joe\nDevola about his party.\n\nGEORGE\nNo.\n\n(they race to the pay phone)\n\n(Paris hotel room - Dr. Reston and Elaine are kissing)\n\nELAINE\nWhat is it?\n\nDR. RESTON\nI was just thinking about this patient\nof mine.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nDR. RESTON\nJust wondering if he's taking his medication.\n\nELAINE\nWell, come on we're on vacation.\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nJERRY\nWell we were standing uh, inn the waiting\narea there, and you know how Devola\nis. He's all, ... (buzzer)\n\nKRAMER\nYeah (to buzzer)\n\nGEORGE\n(OC) It's George.\n\nJERRY\nAnd so, uh I felt very uncomfortable\nwith him and you know I just blurted\nout something about your party.\n\nKRAMER\nWhoa, back up a second.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I didn't know that you didn't\ninvite him.\n\nKRAMER\nWhy would you think I would invite him?\n\nJERRY\nI just a ssumed, ...\n\nKRAMER\nAssumed? Never assume anything. I don't\nwant that nut in my house. You know\nhe's on medication.\n\n(George and Susan enter)\n\nGEORGE\nHello, oh, hello. You remember, ...\nSusan, from N B C.\n\nJERRY\nOf course. How are you?\n\nSUSAN\nFine, it's good to see you.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd this is Kramer.\n\nSUSAN\nHello.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right go ahead Susan, tell him.\n\nJERRY\nTell me what?\n\nSUSAN\nWell, I, (phone rings)\n\nJERRY\nUh, sorry, Excuse me one second. Hello.\n\nTEL\nHi, would you be interested in switching\nover to TMI long distance service.\n\nJERRY\nOh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why\ndon't you give me your home number and\nI'll call you later.\n\nTEL\nUh, I'm sorry we're not allowed to do\nthat.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I guess you don't want people calling\nyou at home.\n\nTEL\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nWell now you know how I feel. (Hangs\nup)\n\nGEORGE\nWell, go ahead, tell him.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, are you drinking that milk?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's the expiration date on that?\n\nKRAMER\nSeptember third.\n\nJERRY\nThe third?\n\nGEORGE\nand SUSAN: The third?\n\nKRAMER\nUm, Uh, ugh, ...\n\nSUSAN\nNoooo... (Kramer throws up on Susan)\n\n(Monk's)\n\nGEORGE\nI never should have brought her up there.\nShould have known better. Should have\nseen it coming. I didn't see it coming.\n\nJERRY\nI think SHE saw it coming.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know she was behind the idea. She\nwas going to champion the show. That's\nwhat I was bring her up there to tell\nyou. And she liked me.\n\nJERRY\nLook just because Kramer vomited on\nher doesn't mean the deal is dead.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, are you crazy? It's a traumatic\nthing to be thrown up on.\n\nJERRY\nVommiting is not a deal breaker. If\nHitler had vommited on Chamberlin, Chamberlind\nstill would have given him Chekoslovakia.\n\nGEORGE\nChamberlind, you could hold his head\nin nthe toilet, he'd still give you\nhalf of Europe.\n\n(Kramer enters with helmet)\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened to you?\n\nKRAMER\nDevola came after me.\n\nJERRY\nWhat? Devola? See I told you this guy\nis crazy. I can't believe this. What\nhappened?\n\nKRAMER\nCan I have a coffee. ... What, you know\nI was walking home and I had to pick\nup my helmet from the shop, you know.\nI gota new strap. And I had it on you\nknow, and I was checking the strap out\nto make sure it fit. Then suddenly I\nfeel this kick hit me on the side of\nthe head. It knocks me down, I look\nup and it's Crazy Joe Devola. And he\nsay's, \"That's what I thin k of your\nparty.\"\n\nJERRY\nBoy,that is some kick.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, yeah, Newman's helmet, it saved\nmy life. Look at that.\n\nJERRY\nWow, Newman's helmet.\n\nGEORGE\nHolly.\n\nKRAMER\nI got bad news for you buddy. Devola\nsays you're next.\n\nJERRY\nMe, why?\n\nKRAMER\nHe doesn't like you.\n\nJERRY\nWhat does he want from me? I didn't\ndo anything. See this is all Elaine's\nfault. She took off to Europe with his\npsychiatrist. He probably can't get\nhis medication. Now I got some nut after\nme.\n\nKRAMER\nPass the cream.\n\nGEORGE\nWait a second. (smells it). all right.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Ticket.html",
    "text": "THE TICKET\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Enter Kramer with one pant leg on)\n\nJERRY\nWhere the hell did I put this?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat are you looking for?\n\nJERRY\nThe remote, the remote, I can't find\nthe remote. Did I lost, I lost it. Did\nyou take it? Did you put it some place?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, no.\n\n(Jerry notices Kramer's look)\n\nJERRY\nAll right, what is this?\n\nKRAMER\nwhat is what?\n\nJERRY\nAll right, very funny. I get it.\n\nKRAMER\nYou're in a weird mood.\n\nJERRY\nCome on. Go back to your apartment and\nfix it.\n\nKRAMER\nFix what?\n\nJERRY\nYour pants!\n\n(Kramer is startled when he realizes his looks)\n\nKRAMER\nwhat is this? What have I got one pant\nleg on for?\n\nJERRY\nDon't you know? Look-look at your face!\nYou only shaved the right side of your\nface! What is this? A joke?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, t's a joke.. a joke... a joke...\nyou think this is funny?\n\nJERRY\nGo look at your face in the mirror.\n\nKRAMER\nWha-huh-wha-huh...\n\n(door buzzer)\n\nJERRY\nyeah?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's George.\n\nJERRY\nCome on up.\n\nKRAMER\nI don't believe this.\n\nJERRY\nYou mean, you didn't know you were doing\nany of these things?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, I swear.\n\nJERRY\nI bet this is from that kick from that\ncrazy Joe Davola. You better see a doctor\nand get some X-rays.\n\n(Enter George)\n\nGEORGE\nAh! You're just the man I'm looking\nfor.\n\nKRAMER\nMe?\n\n(George hands Kramer a paper)\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, here you go.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat's this?\n\nGEORGE\nA dry-cleaning bill?\n\nJERRY\nFrom that woman at NBC?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\nA dry-cleaning bill for what?\n\nGEORGE\nFor vomiting on her vest!\n\nKRAMER\nOh, come on George! I didn't do that\non purpose!\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I shouldn't have to pay for it!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, neither should I! Jerry's the\none who left the milk in the refrigerator.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, your milk.\n\nJERRY\nHe drank it.\n\nKRAMER\nI didn't know.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, well, we should all chip\nin I guess.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nHow much was it to clean the vest?\n\nGEORGE\nEighteen dollars.\n\nJERRY\nCan you get vomit out of suede?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know.\n\nKRAMER\nYo-yo Ma!\n\nJERRY\nWhat? Yo-yo Ma?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat about him?\n\nJERRY\nYou just said 'Yo-yo Ma'.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's Yo-yo Ma?\n\nJERRY\nHe's a cellist. (to Kramer) You should\nsee a doctor today.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, come on, come on, let's go.\nSix dollars.\n\nJERRY\nI can't believe she sent you that dry-cleaning\nbill.\n\nGEORGE\nI know!\n\nJERRY\nThat doesn't really bode well for the\nshow, does it?\n\nGEORGE\nThe show! Forget about the show! We\nshould take the idea to a different\nnetwork\n\nJERRY\nOh, yeah. Right. Like anybody's ever\ngonna do this! How did you get me to\ngo along with that? A show about nothing!\n\nGEORGE\nIt was a good idea. Susan liked it.\nNow, if he hadn't vomitted all over\nher, we'd be writing it right now.\n\nKRAMER\nJeez!\n\nGEORGE\nAnyway.\n\n(Phone rings, Kramer picks up. Answers in Italian.)\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you doing? What's wrong with\nyou? What're you doing? Give me that\nphone! Go to your apartment and lie\ndown, I'll make an appointment for a\ndoctor today.\n\n(on the phone) Hello? Oh hi! I'm sorry. No, that's my next door\nneighbor. He's not quite himself. He got kicked in the head.\nWhat? Really? You're kidding! Today? Yeah! Sure! We could make\nit. Two o'clock? Yeah, we would do that. Okay. Great! Thanks\na million! Okay, bye.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nNBC! They wanna have another meeting\nabout the idea.\n\nGEORGE\nThey wanna have another meeting? They\nwanna buy it?! They wanna but it?! Oh!\nI tell you! We're gonna be rich!! What\nare we gonna get for this? Fifty, sixty\nthousand?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know about sixty.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, it's gotta be fifty! Hee hee! You\nknow how much Ted Danson makes, huh?\n\nJERRY\nTed Danson! Now, how are you comparing\nus to Ted Danson?\n\nGEORGE\nI didn't say 'We're Ted Danson.'\n\nJERRY\nYes, you did. You said 'We're Ted Danson'!\n\nGEORGE\nOh!\n\nJERRY\nYou know, I think he wears a piece.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, don't worry. He can afford it.\n\n(Street)\n\nJERRY\nI'm ten minutes slow again! That's it\nfor this piece of junk! I've had it.\n\n(He throws his watch in the trash can beside him)\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, is that the one your parents gave\nyou?\n\nJERRY\nYeah! But it never works. You know we're\nsupposed to be there by two o'clock.\nWe should take a cab.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, we'll be a little late, I,m\nnot taking a cab.\n\nJERRY\nI'll pay for it.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's not the money!\n\nJERRY\nWell, what is it you object to? The\ncomfort? The Speed? The convenience?\n\n(Both raise their arm to signal a cab.)\n\nLEO\nJerry!\n\nJERRY\nUncle Leo!\n\nLEO\nHelloooo!\n\nJERRY\nHello there, how're you doing?\n\nLEO\nHa ha! How are you?\n\nJERRY\nGood, good.\n\nLEO\nHow's your mom and dad?\n\nJERRY\nGood, fine.\n\nLEO\nWhat are you getting to be too much\nof a big shot now to give me a call?\nI don't hear from you anymore!\n\nJERRY\nOh, no. I've been kinda busy. It's all.\n\nLEO\nYou know where I just came from?\n\n(He grabs Jerry's forearm.)\n\nDanny Barma.\n\nJERRY\nOh, sure. Danny.\n\nLEO\nHe used to be in the pajama business.\nI used to be able to get pajamas for\nfree. I used to come over and get pajamas\nall the time!\n\n(Leo shakes Jerry around using his grip on Jerry's arm.)\n\nJERRY\nOh, yeah, yeah. I remember.\n\n(George gets impatient, touches his watch subtly, maybe subconsciously.)\n\nLEO\nThe funny thing is: I can't wear 'em.\nI get too hot. I sleep in my underwear\nand a t-shirt. If it gets too hot, I\njust get the t-shirt off! Anyway, Danny\nsays to me: 'You need any pajamas?'\n\nJERRY\nI-I'm sorry Uncle Leo, I really gotta\nget going.\n\nLEO\nOh. Well. You gotta get going, so go.\n\nJERRY\nWe, we got a big meeting with the president\nof NBC.\n\nLEO\nNobody got a gun to your head!\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I'm really sorry, uh.\n\nLEO\nGo. Really. I understand. You got an\nappointment, go to your appointment.\n\nJERRY\nI'm sorry, really.\n\nLEO\nYou know, I know plenty of people in\nHollywood too!\n\nJERRY\nSorry, really.\n\n(Leo turns around and leaves. He passes by the trash can and\nsees the watch. He picks it up, takes it to his ear, laughs and\nputs it on. He walks away.)\n\n(Hall out of Kramer's apartment)\n\n(Newman knocks on Kramer's door)\n\nKRAMER\nYeah?\n\nNEWMAN\nCome on, are you ready? Let's go!\n\n(Straightens his tie)\n\n(Kramer opens the door. He has shaving cream on his face.)\n\nKRAMER\nFor what?\n\nNEWMAN\nWhat's the matter with you? I just talked\nto you fifteen minutes ago.\n\nKRAMER\nwhat about?\n\nNEWMAN\nThe courthouse. You gotta go with me\nto the courthouse. I'm contesting a\nticket today.\n\nKRAMER\nI can't, I'm going to the doctor's later.\n\nNEWMAN\nYou gotta go with me. I mean, you-you're\nmy alibi. You have to take the stand.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I can't!\n\nNEWMAN\nWell, let me remind you of something.\nYou wouldn't be here if it wasn't for\nme and my helmet. I saved your life!\nYou would be dead! Dead! You would cease\nto exist! You would be gone for the\nrest of eternity! You wouldn't even\nbegin to comprehend what that means!!\n\nKRAMER\nShut up! I'll get my coat!\n\n(Newman enters Kramer's apartment)\n\nDon't step on anything.\n\n(NBC's waiting room)\n\nJERRY\nYou see the look on my uncle's face?\nDid you see how insulted he was? What\ncould I do? Waht are we supposed to\ndo? You can't leave. There's no excuse\ngood enough to justify walking away\nfrom a conversation with one of my relatives.\n\nGEORGE\nI didn't shave this morning. I don't\nfeel like myself.\n\nJERRY\nYou could be a fireman on a fire truck\non the way to a fire. You bump into\none of my relatives. 'I'm sorry Uncle\nLeo, there's a building full of people\nburning down. I really do have to be\nrunning.' He'll go: 'Go. Go ahead. Go\nto your fancy fire. If that's what you\nhave to do.'\n\nGEORGE\nLook at this.\n\nJERRY\nWhy didn't you shave this morning?\n\nGEORGE\n'Cause I shaved yesterday in the afternoon.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nGEORGE\nBecause of the day before. It's a long\nstory.\n\n(Jerry looks down the hall.)\n\nCan't get back on schedule.\n\nJERRY\nIs that Joe Davola?\n\n(Jerry crouches in his seat)\n\nGEORGE\nIt's not him!\n\nJERRY\nI can't live tlike this. I'm being stalked.\n\nRECEPTIONIST\nMister Seinfeld? They're ready for you.\n\nJERRY\nOh.\n\n(They get up)\n\nGEORGE\nMister Seinfeld? What about Mister Costanza?\nI'm not here?\n\n(They walk toward the office)\n\nJERRY\nAll right. Look. Now, you promised you're\ngonna be a little more flexible on the\nnothing idea, okay? Jsut a little.\n\nGEORGE\nOkay. A little.\n\n(Courthouse waiting room)\n\nNEWMAN\nOkay, you're all set? You got your story?\n\nKRAMER\nNo.\n\nNEWMAN\nWhen the cop stopped me, I told him\nthat I was rushing home because my friend\nwas about to commit suicide.\n\nKRAMER\nUhm...\n\nNEWMAN\nNow, you're that firend. Now, all we\nneed is a reason why you were going\nto commit suicide.\n\n(Pause; they're thinking)\n\nKRAMER\nI never had an air conditioner.\n\nNEWMAN\nNo! That's no reason to kill yourself!\n\nKRAMER\nWhy? It gets hot at night, you can't\nsleep. You ever tried to sleep in a\nreally hot room?\n\nNEWMAN\nEvery night I sleep in a really hot\nroom, I don't want to kill myself.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I slept in really hot rooms and\nI wanted to kill myself.\n\nNEWMAN\nNo, no, no. That's not gonna work. Something\nelse.\n\nKRAMER\nI was never able to become a banker.\n\n(Newman has a revelation.)\n\nNEWMAN\nBanker! So you're killing yourself because\nyour dreams of becoming a banker have\ngone unfulfilled. You-you-you-you can't\nlive without being a banker.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah. If I can't be banker, I\ndon't wanna live.\n\nNEWMAN\nYou must be banker.\n\nKRAMER\nMUST be banker.\n\nNEWMAN\nOkay, we'll go with the banker story.\n\n(NBC office) (I might be missing a line here, I suck at cutting\nthe commercials. If so, please complete.)\n\nGEORGE\nThe story is the foundation of all entertainment.\nYou must have a good story otherwise\nit's just masturbation.\n\n(George is the only one laughing)\n\nRUSSEL\nAnd people really have to care about\nthe characters.\n\nGEORGE\nCare? Forget about care. Love. They\nhave to love the characters. Otherwise,\nwhy would they keep tuning in?\n\nJERRY\nWouldn't tune in.\n\nGEORGE\nWould they tune in?\n\nJERRY\nNo tune.\n\nRUSSEL\nWe like to look at the show as if it\nwere in EKG. You have your highs and\nyour lows and it goes up and down.\n\nGEORGE\nThe show will be like a heart attack!\n\nJERRY\nJust a huge massive coronary.\n\nRUSSEL\nSo what you said last week about no\nstory, you're a little flexible on that\nnow.\n\nGEORGE\nIs-is that what I said 'no story'? Because\nJerry had to tell me later.\n\nJERRY\nHe couldn't believe it.\n\nGEORGE\nI said, I said: 'Get outta here! No\nstory? Is that what I said?'\n\n(Jerry and George laugh)\n\n(Courtroom)\n\nPOLICE OFFICER\nWell, I informed him that he was exceeding\nthe speed limit and uh, that's when\nhe told me that he was racing home because\nhis friend was about to commit suicide.\n\nJUDGE\nAnd then what happened?\n\nPOLICE OFFICER\nWell, then he became very loud and hysterical.\nHe was flailing his arms about as he\ntold the story and then he threw himself\non the ground and he grabbed me around\nthe legs and then he begged me to let\nhim go. And when I refused, that's when\nhe began to scream: 'My friend's going\nto die, my friend's going to die.'\n\n(NBC office)\n\nRUSSEL\nLook. I don't know how you two guys\nfeel but we would really like to be\nin business with you.\n\n(George starts, Jerry starts later, both speak at the same time,\nnonstop)\n\nGEORGE\nWell, we would like to be in business.\nLet's do business. We'll have some business.\nLet's have business.\n\nJERRY\nWe would love to be in business. We'll\ndo business. We're in business. It's...\nit's business. This is business.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah!\n\nSTU\nWould it be possible to get a-a-a copy\nof 'La Cocina'?\n\n(Pause. George and Jerry are puzzled.)\n\n(Jerry gets it, pokes George.)\n\nJERRY\nYour off-Broadway play.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, oh. Uh, you know. It's the damndest\nthing. I, uh, I moved recently and my\nfiles, pfff, disappeared. Now, I-I don't\nknow if they fell off the truck or if\nthere was some sort of foul play but\nlet me tell you something. I'm not through\nwith that moving company.\n\nJERRY\nHmm, hmm.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's my vow to you.\n\nRUSSEL\nWell, I got a feeling about you two.\nAnd even more than that. I place a great\ndeal of confidence in that lady's judgment.\n\n(the lady is Susan)\n\n(George and Jerry both speak at the same time, nonstop)\n\nGEORGE\nOh! That's good judgment. That's a pile\nof judgment there. Sure.\n\nJERRY\nOh! Taht's judgment. Yes, yes. Judgment\nwith earrings on. Yeah.\n\nRUSSEL\nSo, let's make a pilot.\n\n(Hand shakes)\n\n(Courtroom)\n\nNEWMAN\nI had gone up to Westchester. I go there\nevery Tuesday. I do charity for the\nblind in my spare time for the Lighthouse.\nI was in the middle of a game of Parcheesi\nwith an old blind man and I excused\nmyself to call my friend as he was very\ndepressed lately because he never became\na banker.\n\nJUDGE\nI don't understand.\n\nNEWMAN\nYou see, it'd been his lifelong dream\nto be a banker and he uh, just the day\nbefore he was turned down by another\nbank. I believe it was the Manufacturer's\nHanover on Lexington and 40th Street.\nThat was the third bank to turn him\ndown so I was-I was a little concerned.\nI wanted to see how he was doing. Well,\nYour Honor, he was barely audible. But\nI distinctly recall him say...\n\nKRAMER\nYo-yo Ma!\n\nNEWMAN\nSo I sped home to save my friend's life\nand I was stopped for speeding. Yes,\nI admit I was speeding but it was to\nsave a man's life. A close friend. An\ninnocent person who wanted nothing more\nout of life than to love, to be loved\nand to be a banker.\n\nJUDGE\nSo then he didn't kill himself.\n\nNEWMAN\nNo sir. He did not. But only by thge\ngrace of God. He's in the courtroom\ntoday\n\n(Stands up, points to Kramer.)\n\n(dramatically) sitting right over there! And he can corroborate\nmy entire testimony.\n\n(NBC's waiting room)\n\n(Jerry and George are coming out of the office)\n\nGEORGE\nSee?\n\nJERRY\nYeah!\n\nGEORGE\nI told you, I told you! Ha ha ha! Ooh\nooh!\n\nJERRY\nNow, all we gotta do is write it.\n\nGEORGE\nYes! How're we gonna do that?\n\n(Enter Susan)\n\nSUSAN\nHey! Congratulations!\n\nJERRY\nThanks.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, thank you.\n\nJERRY\nThank you, thanks.\n\nGEORGE\nThanks. Gee, you know, I thought you\nwere mad at me.\n\nSUSAN\nNo.\n\nRECEPTIONIST\nMister Seinfeld, you have a phone call.\n\nJERRY\nPhone call? Who knows I'm here?\n\n(He picks up the phone)\n\nHello? Mom? How'd you know I was here? Oh, I was not rude to\nhim, that is baloney! I couldn't talk! I couldn't talk! I had\na meeting! I don't know... he-he went off on something about\npajamas!\n\nGEORGE\nWhen you sent me the-the bill for the\ndry-cleaning. I thought the show didn't\nhave a chance.\n\nSUSAN\nOh, it was only vomit.\n\nGEORGE\nAnyway, I-I would like to-to pay for\nthe cleaning.\n\nSUSAN\nOh no-no, it's okay. *comment from transcriber:\nyeah, she doesn't want to be paid, didn't\nshe send the bill?*\n\nGEORGE\nNo-no-no, we all chipped in. We have\nthe money.\n\nSUSAN\nWell, it was eighteen dollars.\n\nGEORGE\nOkay, uh, eighteen dollars, and there\nit is. There you go. So maybe we could\nget together this weekend.\n\nSUSAN\nYeah. Call me.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, great.\n\nSUSAN\nBye.\n\nJERRY\nBye thanks.\n\nGEORGE\nBye, thanks. (To Jerry, when Susan is\nfar) I can't believe she took the money.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nGEORGE\nI offered to pay. She should've said\nno.\n\nJERRY\nShe did, you insisted.\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe this is what the pilot should\nbe about, vomiting on somebody's vest.\n\nJERRY\nNah!\n\nGEORGE\nHow much are we gonna get for this?\nFifty, sixty thousand?\n\nJERRY\noh, I d-I don't know. I d---\n\nGEORGE\nOh, gotta get fifty. Gotta get fifty.\nAll right, I tell you what. We go to\nthe coffee shop, you call your manager.\nMaybe they made an offer.\n\nJERRY\nOkay.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, let's go, let's go, let's\ngo, come on.\n\n(Coffee shop)\n\nGEORGE\nThirteen thousand?\n\nJERRY\nThirteen thousand.\n\nGEORGE\na piece?\n\nJERRY\nNo, for both!\n\nGEORGE\nThat's insulting! Ted Danson makes eight\nhundred thousand dollars an episode.\n\nJERRY\nOh, would you stop with the Ted Danson?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, he does.\n\nJERRY\nYou're nuts!\n\nGEORGE\nI'm sorry. I can't live knowing Ted\nDanson makes that much more than me.\nWho is he?\n\nJERRY\nHe's somebody.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about me?\n\nJERRY\nYou're nobody.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy him? Why not me?\n\nJERRY\nHe's good, you're not.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm better than him.\n\nJERRY\nYou're worse, much much worse. (crouches\nin booth) That's Davola!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat? Where? Where?\n\nJERRY\nOutside! I saw him outside!\n\n(Europe) *I think.*\n\n(Elaine is kissing with a guy. He stops. She keeps kissing him,\nthen stops.)\n\nELAINE\nwhat is it?\n\nBOYFRIEND\nOh, it's this patient.\n\nELAINE\nAgain?\n\nBOYFRIEND\nI'm fairly certain. I forgot to leave\nhim an extra prescription for his medication.\n\nELAINE\nWell, so, he can live without his Valium\nfor a couple of days.\n\nBOYFRIEND\nNah, you don't understand. He could\nbe dangerous.\n\n(Elaine turns around, rolls her eyes.)\n\n(Coffee shop)\n\nJERRY\nGo outside and see if he's still there.\n\nGEORGE\nI can't go out there, he knows we're\nfriends.\n\nJERRY\nWell, what are we supposed to do? I\ngotta take Kramer to the doctor.\n\n(A cop sits down at the counter.)\n\nGEORGE\nTell the cop.\n\nJERRY\nGood idea.\n\n(Walks to counter)\n\nExcuse me officer. There's a guy outside and he's kind of a nut\njob and I think he's waiting to beat me up. If you could just\nwalk me outside and wait till I get into a cab.\n\nCOP\nYeah, all right. Just let me get a muffin.\n\nJERRY\nThanks.\n\nJerry waits a while and realizes he has to go sit back with George\nand wait over there.)\n\nJERRY\nHe's gonna get a muffin and then he'll\nwalk us outside. This is a great way\nto go through life.\n\n(Looks over at the cop)\n\nHey! He's looking at the menu now. What's he looking at the menu\nfor?!\n\nGEORGE\nI thought you said he was gonna get\na muffin.\n\n(Jerry gets up and walks to the counter)\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you doing?\n\nCOP\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nWhat, are you ordering food now?\n\nCOP\nYeah! Yeah, I decided to get a sandwich.\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened to the muffin?\n\nCOP\nI got a little hungry.\n\nJERRY\nAll of a sudden you get hungry?\n\nCOP\nYeah! You got a problem with that?\n\nJERRY\nNo! Enjoy your lunch.\n\n(Goes back toward the booth and stops.)\n\nYou know a muffin can be very filling.\n\n(Keeps walking to the booth)\n\nHe's getting a sandwich now!\n\nGEORGE\nI thought he was just gonna have a muffin.\n\nJERRY\nAll of a sudden he gets hungry.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, a muffin can be very filling.\n\nJERRY\nI know!\n\n(Courtroom)\n\nNEWMAN\nMister Kramer, you heard the testimony\nso far. Would you please tell the court\nin your own words what happened on the\nafternoon of September 10th?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat do you mean 'my own words'? Whose\nwords are they gonna be?\n\nNEWMAN\nYou know what I mean.\n\nKRAMER\nI was very upset that day.\n\nNEWMAN\nAnd why was that?\n\nKRAMER\nWould you let me say it? Let me talk!\n\nNEWMAN\nAll right, all right. Go ahead, go ahead.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right.\n\nNEWMAN\nOkay.\n\nKRAMER\nI was very upset that day because I\ncould never become a banker.\n\nNEWMAN\nAnd that failure to become a banker\nwas eating at you. Eating-eating-eating\nat you inside.\n\nKRAMER\nUh, yeah.\n\nNEWMAN\nIt was your family that pushed you into\nbanking, it was their dream for you...\n\nJUDGE\nMister Newman.\n\nNEWMAN\nYour Honor, I'm only trying to establish\nMister Kramer's fragile emotional state,\nmy entire case depends on it.\n\nJUDGE\nUh, continue.\n\nNEWMAN\nAs you were saying, Mister Kramer...\n\nKRAMER\nWhat was the question?\n\nNEWMAN\nYou're telling how your parents pushed\nyou into banking.\n\nKRAMER\nUh, well, my father when I was a kid,\nhe took me to the bank and he lifted\nme up and he pointed to the teller and\nhe said: 'Sonny boy, take a good look\nat him, that's gonna be you some day.'\n\nNEWMAN\nBut you never became a banker, did you\nMister Kramer? Why? Why did you fail?\n\nKRAMER\nI don't know.\n\nNEWMAN\nIt was because you hated your father\nand you would do anything to displease\nhim. Isn't THAT true?\n\nJUDGE\nUh, could you get to the speeding?\n\nNEWMAN\nYuh, yes. I intend to Your Honor. And\nthen, on the afternoon of September\n10th, you received a phone call did\nyou not?\n\nKRAMER\nPhone call?\n\nNEWMAN\nYes, a phone call!\n\nKRAMER\nFrom who?\n\nNEWMAN\nFrom me!\n\nKRAMER\nFrom you?\n\nNEWMAN\nYes, from me!! I called you remember?\n\nKRAMER\nYou called me?\n\nNEWMAN\nYes, I called you, you idiot! Because\nyou were going to... You were going\nto... Remember?\n\nKRAMER\nwhat?\n\nNEWMAN\nYou were going to...\n\n(Mimmicks hanging himself, growing hysterical as only Newman\ncan)\n\nYou were going to do something\n\n(Mimmicks stabbing himself in stomach and jerking the knife around)\nto yourself! You were going to do something to yourself! Remember\nthe banking? The banking, about the banking, about the banking!!!\n\nJUDGE\nI'm afraid I'm gonna have to call a---\n\nNEWMAN\nYes, the banker!!!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat banking?\n\nNEWMAN\nA banker! A banker! Your Honor, Your\nHonor, Your Honor...\n\nJUDGE\nThat's enough already.\n\nNEWMAN\nYour Honor, Mister Kramer's obviously\nvery distraught.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm distraught!?! Wooh-wooh-hoo!\n\nNEWMAN\nYou shut up!\n\nI demand a recess so I can take him\noutside and help him regain hius composure.\n\nJUDGE\nThat'll be seventy-five dollars.\n\nNEWMAN\nWhat's the matter with you? We had it\nall worked out!\n\n(They fall on their backs. Kramer knocks the flag on judge.)\n\n(Coffee shop) (Missing another line here as well. Told you, I\nsucked at cutting the commercials, didn't I? Please complete\nagain. *between asterisks are only guesses. Correct if not accurate.)\n\n*JERRY\nDo you see him?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm not* sure.\n\nJERRY\nWell, either you see him or you don't.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. I don't.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is he doing? Is he getting coffee?\nI think he's getting coffee.!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's with this guy?\n\n(Jerry walks to the counter)\n\nJERRY\nDid you just order coffee?\n\nCOP\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nThis is really too much.\n\nCOP\nWhat is your problem?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I'm sitting over there waiting\nfor you to finish your sandwich for\ntwenty minutes. Now you're drinking\ncoffee, that's gonna be another ten\nminutes.\n\nCOP\nWell, you're just gonna have to wait.\n\n(Enter Kramer and Newman)\n\nKRAMER\nNever said anything about the banking.\n\nNEWMAN\nYou're off your rocker.\n\nJERRY\nHey you guys!\n\nKRAMER\nHey!\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you doing here?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat are YOU doing here?\n\nJERRY\nHey, is Davola outside?\n\nKRAMER\nDavola?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, I didn't see him.\n\nNEWMAN\nCrazy Joe Davola?\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, yours is eleven dollars.\n\nJERRY\nEleven dollars for what?\n\nGEORGE\nMuffin, sandwich and coffee!\n\nJERRY\nHey, NBC okayed our idea. We're gonna\nmake the pilot.\n\nKRAMER\nYou're gonna do the circus freak show,\nuh?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nNEWMAN\nPilot? So what do you make for something\nlike that? Fifty? Sixty thousand?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's the difference? The money is\nnot important.\n\nJERRY\nHey Newman, is that your red car?\n\nNEWMAN\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nI think you're getting a ticket.\n\nNEWMAN\nDeh!\n\nKRAMER\nRun, run! Go, go, go!\n\n(Newman runs outside)\n\nNEWMAN\nHey! What are you doing? It's after\nsix o'clock! You can't give me a ticket!\nHey, you're not gonna get away with\nthis. I'll fight this. I got witnesses.\n\nKRAMER\nI saw the whole thing!\n\nJERRY\nMaybe this whole thing would be a good\nidea for the pilot.\n\nGEORGE\nAh, get outta here. The vomiting is\nmuch funnier.\n\nJERRY\nOh, like you know what you're talking\nabout!\n\nGEORGE\nNo, YOU do!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Wallet.html",
    "text": "THE WALLET\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nDon't you hate \"to be continued\" on TV. It's horrible when you\nsense the \"to be continued\" coming. You know, you're watching\nthe show. You're into the story. There's like five minutes left\nand suddenly you realize, \"Hey, they can't make it.\" Timmy's\nstill stuck in the cave. There's no way they wrap this up in\nfive minutes. I mean the whole reason you watch a TV show is\nbecause it ends. If I want a long boring story with no point\nto it, I have my life. A comedian can't do that, see. I can't\ngo, \"A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arm - Can you\ncome back next week?\"\n\n(In Jerry's Car)\n\nJERRY\nGeorge and I went up to NBC and we told\nthem our idea for a series now we're\njust waiting to sign the contract.\n\nHELEN\nAnd they liked your idea?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nMORTY\nWhat'ya got leather seats here?\n\nHELEN\nSince when is George a writer?\n\nJERRY\nWhat writer? It's a sitcom.\n\nHELEN\nThat's exciting. When are you going\nto sign the contract?\n\nJERRY\nSoon, there's a couple of problems.\n\nMORTY\nJerry, I wanna tell you that meal was\nthe worst.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you expect? It's airline food.\n\nMORTY\n... give you fish.\n\nJERRY\nHow could you eat fish on a plane?\n\nMORTY\nbecause she puts up such a big stink\nevery time I have a piece of meat.\n\nHELEN\nWhat kind of problems?\n\nJERRY\nWell, George doesn't think $13,000 is\nenough money.\n\nHELEN\nWhat? He's not even working.\n\nMORTY\nGeorge is right. Those people will try\nto get away with murder. Believe me.\nThey're all crooks.\n\nHELEN\nJerry, I want you to sign that contract.\n\nJERRY\nWe're going to sign it. We're going\nto sign it. In fact George is out with\nthe woman from NBC right now.\n\n(George's car)\n\nGEORGE\nSo, I'm uh, I'm afraid we're going to\nhave to pass.\n\nSUSAN\nYou're passing?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, it's ... much too low.\n\nSUSAN\nAre you and Jerry in complete agreement\non this?\n\nGEORGE\nAh, yeah, ... I believe I can speak\nfor the both of us on this.\n\nSUSAN\nBecause you know, because this is your\nfirst show this is a pretty standard\ndeal.\n\nGEORGE\nStandard?\n\nSUSAN\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nIs Ted Danson's deal standard?\n\nSUSAN\nTed Danson?\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, the guy from Cheers.\n\nSUSAN\nYeah, I know who he is. (laughs) You're\nnot Ted Danson.\n\nGEORGE\nI didn't say I was Ted Danson.\n\nSUSAN\nAll right, I'll tell Russell tomorrow.\n\nGEORGE\n-\n\nSUSAN\nOh, uh, before I forget, ... cigars.\nA present from my father.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, uh, do I have to write him a note\nor something?\n\nSUSAN\nYeah, I am sure he'd appreciated that.\n\nGEORGE\nBut what do I say in the note?\n\nSUSAN\nAh, you're a writer. You'll think of\nsomething.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, uh, yeah, I'm a writer, (laughs)\n\n(Jerry's car at gas station)\n\nHELEN\nWere you waiting long at the gate?\n\nJERRY\nI don't even know?\n\nHELEN\nWhere's that watch we bought you?\n\nJERRY\nOh uh\n\n(Flashback to street)\n\nJERRY\nThat's enough with this piece of junk\nI've had it. (throws watch in garbage)\n\nGEORGE\nThat's the one your parents bought you?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, but it never worked.\n\n(Back to present day in car at gas station)\n\nJERRY\n... it's being fixed.\n\nMORTY\nI got a guarantee on that watch. Give\nit to me, I'll take it back to where\nI got it.\n\nJERRY\nIt's at the jeweler.\n\nMORTY\nYou send me the bill.\n\nJERRY\nI'm not sending you the bill.\n\nHELEN\nThat watch was a gift. You shouldn't\nhave to pay for it.\n\nGSUSAN\nThat's uh, $18.50.\n\nMORTY\nHere, I got it.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you talking about? It's my\ncar. You can pay for the gas.\n\nMORTY\nNo, no put it away ...\n\nJERRY\nDad!\n\nMORTY\nStop it.\n\nJERRY\nI have money. I make money.\n\nMORTY\nYeah, yeah, you make money.\n\nJERRY\nYou don't think I make money. That's\nwhat you think isn't it?\n\nHELEN\nNo, I don't think that.\n\nJERRY\nYes you do. That's what you both think.\n\nMORTY\nI'll pay.\n\nJERRY\nI'm paying.\n\nMORTY\nGet out of here.\n\nJERRY\nYou're not paying\n\nMORTY\nJerry please,\n\nJERRY\nYou're not doing this.\n\n(both fighting to pay)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nJERRY\nBoy, you got a lot of stuff here. .\n. . Dad, what are you doing?\n\nMORTY\nNothing nothing.\n\nJERRY\nLeave it. What about your back?\n\nHELEN\nMorty, what are you doing?\n\nMORTY\nAll right, all right.\n\nJERRY\nYou come all the way up here to see\na back specialist and you're lifting\nheavy suit cases.\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Morty.\n\nMORTY\nHey, Mr. Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Mrs. Seinfeld.\n\nHELEN\nWhat happened to you?\n\nKRAMER\nWell some guy kicked me in the side\nof the head.\n\nHELEN\nWhat guy?\n\nKRAMER\nCrazy Joe Devola.\n\nHELEN\nWhy?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I was having this party and I\ndidn't invite him and Jerry tipped him\noff.\n\nJERRY\nWhy did you tell this crazy guy that\nKramer didn't invite him to his party?\n\nJERRY\nI didn't know he wasn't invited\n\nMORTY\nHey, these are very comfortable pants.\nYou know what I paid for these Jerry?\n\nHELEN\nSo why did you say anything?\n\nJERRY\nIt was a mistake.\n\nMORTY\nThey're good around the house and they're\ngood for outside.\n\nHELEN\nAre you okay?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah, yeah. I was a little off last\nweek - but the doctor says it was just\na slight concussion\n\nHELEN\nSo what's the matter with this Devola\nguy?\n\nJERRY\nHe's got like a chemical imbalance.\nHe needs to be on medication.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah. He's after Jerry now.\n\nJERRY\nKramer!!\n\nHELEN\nHe's what?!\n\nJERRY\nHe's joking.\n\nHELEN\nHe's after you?\n\nJERRY\nNooo.\n\nHELEN\nWhy is he after you?\n\nJERRY\nHe's not after me.\n\nHELEN\nMorty, did you here this? Some crazy\nguy is after Jerry.\n\nHELEN\nI'll make a few phone calls.\n\nJERRY\nWho are you going to call?\n\nMORTY\nWhat are you worried about?\n\nHELEN\nI want to know what you did to this\nguy that he's after you.\n\nJERRY\nI didn't do anything.\n\nHELEN\nWell you must have done something.\n\nJERRY\nNo, he just doesn't like me.\n\nHELEN\nDoesn't like you? How can anyone not\nlike you?\n\nJERRY\nYou know, it seems impossible.\n\nHELEN\nDoesn't like you? How can that be?\n\nJERRY\nMa, I know this may be hard for you\nto understand but I am sure there are\nmany people who do not like me.\n\nHELEN\nHuh, Jerry, don't say that.\n\nJERRY\nIt's true.\n\nHELEN\nNo, it's not true. You're a wonderful,\nwonderful boy. Everybody likes you.\nIt's impossible not to like you. Impossible.\nMorty?\n\nMORTY\nMaybe some people don't like him. I\ncould see that.\n\nHELEN\nKramer?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I like him. Hey Jerry, what time\nyou got?\n\nJERRY\nUm, huh, I don't have my watch on. It's\nbeing fixed.\n\nKRAMER\nWhen you getting it back?\n\nJERRY\nUh, next week.\n\nKRAMER\nNext week? How come it's taking so long?\n\nJERRY\nHuh?\n\nKRAMER\nI said how come it's taking so long?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know. They're backed up.\n\nKRAMER\nwait a minute, wait a minute, where\ndid you take it?\n\nJERRY\nWhere'd I take it?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nWhere did I take it? Where Did I Take\nIt? (stabbing with knife) Um, to that\nplace on, uh Columbus and uh, 85th.\nOkay?\n\nKRAMER\nJimmy Sherman's?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I know the guy. I take my stuff\nin there all the time. Yeah, I bet I\ncan get your watch back by tomorrow\nmorning.\n\nJERRY\nNo, Kramer, I don't want you to say\nanything to him\n\nKRAMER\nI'd be happy to.\n\nJERRY\nHe's a friend of mine.\n\nJERRY\nI'd like to follow the regular procedures.\nI don't want any special treatment.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, I'm going to get that watch back\nfor you by tomorrow, buddy.\n\nMORTY\nGive me the receipt.\n\nKRAMER\nI'll get that too. (exits)\n\nJERRY\nBe right back. (follows Kramer out)\n\n(In the hallway)\n\nJERRY\n... I threw it in the garbage can\non the street. It didn't keep good time.\nMy parents gave it to me so don't mention\nit again, okay!\n\nKRAMER\nAll right.\n\nJERRY\nAll right.\n\nKRAMER\nWait, wait, ...\n\n(Jerry reenters his own apartment)\n\nHELEN\nWhat was that about?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, oh, uh, he's got my Calamine lotion\nand uh, I told him not to return it.\nIf he needs it he should keep it. He's\ngot uh, he's got a thing on his ankle.\n\nHELEN\nHow can anyone not like him.\n\n(Back doctor's office)\n\nMORTY\nHi, Morty Seinfeld. I have a two o'clock\nappointment.\n\nRECEPTIONIST\nYes, Mr. Seinfeld. Would you please\nfill in this form(?).\n\nMORTY\nAll this? This whole thing? It's going\nto take me forty-five minutes.\n\nRECEPTIONIST\nI know. It's very long.\n\nMORTY\nLook at this. It's a book. Employer's\naddress. What do they need this? You\nknow I never had a back problem until\nthat night I slept on the convertible\nsofa. My back was fine.\n\nHELEN\nWell, it's not the sofa.\n\nMORTY\nYou stick up for that sofa like I'm\ncriticizing a person.\n\nHELEN\nWe got it at Sullivan's. It's a good\nstore.\n\nMORTY\nOne day somebody's going to sleep on\nthat thing and we'll get sued. I hope\nthis doctor knows what he's doing.\n\nHELEN\nLeo says he's the best there is.\n\nMORTY\nLeo, I'm listening to Leo now!\n\nHELEN\nYou're lucky he was able to get you\nthis appointment. You know what the\nwaiting list is for this guy?\n\nMORTY\nWell, if he fixes my back I'll be happy.\n... (back to the form) Have you ever\nhad a sexually transmitted disease?\nThat's IT! ... Here, you got my name,\nyou got my address. That's enough.\n\nRECEPTIONIST\nJulie, you want to take him back?\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJERRY\nYou what? You passed? How could you\ndo that?\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, my young friend, you are so na\u00efve.\nYou are so so na\u00efve. You know about\na few things. You know about comedy,\na little bit about relationships, some\nbaseball, but you are so far out of\nyour element here, you are embarrassing\nyourself. Now listen to me. I am negotiating.\nNegotiation, this is what you do in\nbusiness.\n\nJERRY\nLet me explain to you what you just\ndid. There are literally hundreds of\npeople trying to get pilot deals with\nthem this year. They go with maybe,\nfive. Okay, if we pass, they go to the\nnext show.\n\nGEORGE\nOoooo, I'm scared... . Ooooo they're\nnot going to do the show.\n\nJERRY\nWe're lucky they are even interested\nin the idea in the first place. We got\na show about nothing. With no story.\nWhat do you think, they're up there\ngoing, maybe we should give those two\nguys, who have no experience and no\nidea, more money!\n\nGEORGE\nOooo what are we going to do? I'm shaking!\nI'm shaking!\n\nJERRY\nWell, I think you're wrong.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, we'll just see.\n\nJERRY\nYes we will.\n\nGEORGE\nYes we will.\n\nJERRY\nI just said that.\n\nGEORGE\nI know you did.\n\nJERRY\nSo good for you.\n\nGEORGE\nSo good for you.\n\nJERRY\nWe'll you're repeating everything I'm\nsaying?\n\nGEORGE\nWe'll you're repeating everything I'm\nsaying?\n\nJERRY\nWell George is an idiot.\n\nGEORGE\nWell George,,... .\n\n(Doctor's examination room)\n\nMORTY\nAll right, all right, Let's go already.\nThey keep you in here a year. They don't\ngive a damn. I could die in here. .\n. . Excuse me! Excuse me! What's going\non? I'm here twenty minutes. Could somebody\nplease help me.\n\nHELEN\n(enters) Shhh. Quiet! Everyone can hear\nyou.\n\nMORTY\nTwenty minutes. I've been waiting twenty\nminutes.\n\nHELEN\nWell the doctor must be busy.\n\nMORTY\nWell what do they make appointments\nfor if they can't keep them. uh, look\nif I did that in my business I wouldn't\nhave made a nickel .\n\nNURSE\nHello, Mr. Seinfeld.\n\nMORTY\nI thought you forgot about me.\n\nNURSE\nWe didn't forget.\n\n(pulls apart the Velcro blood pressure band)\n\nMORTY\nAh! It's Velcro. I can't stand Velcro.\nIt's that t-e-a-r-I-n-g sound. I used\nto be in raincoats. I refused to put\nthat in any of my lines.\n\nNURSE\nOkay, Mr. Seinfeld, please come this\nway. We need some X-rays.\n\nMORTY\nLeave all my stuff here?\n\nNURSE\nLeave it.\n\n(They exit)\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nGEORGE\nOkay, by the way. Do you want a box\nof Cuban cigars? I smoked one last night.\nI got nauseous.\n\nJERRY\nNo I don't want them.\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nI'll take it. No, I'll take it. What\nis it?\n\nGEORGE\nHere you go.\n\nKRAMER\nA box of cigars?\n\nGEORGE\nYep,\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah?\n\nGEORGE\nThe kind that Castro smokes. You can't\nbuy them anywhere.\n\nKRAMER\nCastro eh? Pasto costillo homiga (nonsense\nSpanish)\n\n(Buzzer)\n\nJERRY\nYes?\n\nVOICE\nFederal Express.\n\nJERRY\nFederal Express? Come on up... . Federal\nExpress. I'm not expecting a package.\n\nKRAMER\nWooo, you know what you just did? You\nlet a burglar into the building.\n\nJERRY\nYou think so?\n\nKRAMER\nFederal Express? Of course. It's the\noldest trick in the book. You know it\nmight not be a burglar it might be a\nmurderer.\n\nJERRY\nSo you want us to abolish all home package\ndeliveries.\n\nKRAMER\nYes. It's dangerous.\n\n(Knock on the door - Kramer prepares for a fight)\n\nJERRY\nWho is it?\n\nVOICE\nFederal Express.\n\nKRAMER\nOkay, ...\n\n(Elaine enters)\n\nALL\nHiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!\n\nELAINE\nKramer, Hi, I thought you went to California.\n\nKRAMER\nI came back for you.\n\nELAINE\nOh, shut up (pushes Kramer)\n\nJERRY\nI missed you.\n\nELAINE\nReally?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, ...\n\n(lots of missing you talk)\n\nKRAMER\nI'm going to be right back. I'm going\nto get a match.\n\nELAINE\nWho's suitcase is this?\n\nJERRY\nOh, it's my parents. My father came\nup to see a back specialist.\n\nELAINE\nOh, golly, it's probably from sleeping\non that sofa.\n\nGEORGE\nBoy, you look really great.\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nYou lie.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no you really look great.\n\nELAINE\nHu hu, ha.\n\nJERRY\nSo tell us about the trip. How's Dr.\nReston?\n\nELAINE\nOh, he's fine.\n\nJERRY\nThings are good?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, you know (scratches cheek)\n\nJERRY\nUh oh.\n\nELAINE\nWhat, Uh ih?\n\nJERRY\nDid you see that?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, I saw it.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nIt's a tell. You gotta tell.\n\nELAINE\nWhat tell? What's a tell?\n\nJERRY\nWhen you ask someone about their relationship\nand they touch their face you know it's\nnot going too well. Go ahead ask me\nhow it's going with somebody.\n\nELAINE\nUm, uh, who's it going with, uh, Alice?\n\nJERRY\nGood, going good (scratches chin) And\nthe higher up on the face you go the\nworse the relationship is getting. You\nknow it is like - pretty good - not\nbad - I gotta get out.\n\nELAINE\nHow high did I go?\n\nGEORGE\nYou almost did the nose.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you eating my peanut butter\nout of the jar with your disgusting\nindex fingers? This is a sickening display.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm not eating bread now. I'm off bread.\n\nJERRY\nYou're off bread... . So what happened\nis it over?\n\nELAINE\nWell not quite.\n\nJERRY\nWhy not?\n\nELAINE\nHe was my psychiatrist, you know. He\nknows all my patterns. In my relationships\nI always try to find some reason to\nleave, so as my doctor, he can't allow\nme to do this, so he's not letting me\nleave.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat do you mean - \"Not letting you?\"\n\nELAINE\nHe has this power over me, okay. He\nhas this way of manipulating every little\nword I say. He's like a Svenjolly.\n\nGEORGE\nSvengali.\n\nELAINE\nWhat did I say?\n\nJERRY\nSvenjolly.\n\nELAINE\nSvenjolly? I did not say Svenjolly.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge?\n\nGEORGE\nSvenjolly.\n\nELAINE\nI don't see how I could have said Svenjolly.\n\nJERRY\nSo maybe he's got like a cheerful mental\nhold on you.\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nYou know I can't find a match anywhere.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know what you should do? You should\ntell this guy you're seeing somebody\nelse. That's the easiest way to get\nout of these things.\n\nELAINE\nNo, it's not going to work with this\nguy.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, you just tell him an old boyfriend\nhas come back into your life.\n\nELAINE\nI don't think so.\n\nJERRY\nNice try.\n\nGEORGE\nTook a shot.\n\nKRAMER\nThis is a good cigar (hair is on fire)\n... WOOOOOOOOOOW ... (runs to bathroom)\n\n(Doctor's examining room. Morty enters)\n\nMORTY\nSo, when do I get to see the doctor?\n\nNURSE\nHe'll be in with the X-Rays in a few\nminutes. You can get dressed. (leaves)\n\nMORTY\n(checking pants) They stole my wallet.\nThe bum stole my wallet. MY WALLET'S\nGONE!\n\nMY WALLET'S GONE! I had my wallet in my back pocket. It's gone.\n\nNURSE\nAre you sure?\n\nMORTY\nYes, I'm sure. I went in to get my X-Ray\nSomebody takes my wallet. Is that the\noperation here?\n\n(doctor enters)\n\nDR. DEMBROW\nMr. Seinfeld, I'm Dr. Devro\n\nMORTY\nI'm not interested in the X-Rays. I\nwant my money back. Somebody stole my\nwallet. I had $225 in there.\n\nDR. DEMBROW\nWhy, I don't see how something like\nthat could have happened.\n\nMORTY\nOh, you don't see. You don't see. Well\nit happened. Believe me.\n\nHELEN\n(enters) What's going on?\n\nMORTY\nThey stole my wallet.\n\nHELEN\nWhat?\n\nMORTY\nWhile I was in getting X-Rayed.\n\nDR. DEMBROW\nAll right, Mr. Seinfeld, I am sorry\nabout your wallet but would you like\nme to look over these X-Rays?\n\nMORTY\nWhat kind of clip joint are you running\nhere?\n\nDR. DEMBROW\nAll right, fine. (leaves)\n\nHELEN\nThe least you could have done was hear\nyour diagnosis.\n\nMORTY\nI am not interested in his diagnosis.\nHe's a bum.\n\nHELEN\nYou came all the way from Florida to\nsee him.\n\nMORTY\nI want to know what kind of an office\nthis is where you can't leave your pants\nin the room. You tell me.\n\n(Dr. Reston's office)\n\nELAINE\nI am sorry but there's somebody else.\n\nDR. RESTON\nHuh, huh.\n\nELAINE\nWell it's nothing I planned on happeniong,\nyou knoe. It just kind of happened.\n\nDR. RESTON\nTell me about him.\n\nELAINE\nWell, there's not really much to tell,\nyou know, he's just a guy. Really.\n\nDR. RESTON\nYes, I assumed he was a guy. And you've\nknown him how long?\n\nELAINE\n... Years. Years, um, we've been close\nfriends and then recently something\nyou know just happened.\n\nDR. RESTON\nYou mean sexually?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, yeah. Sexu-ally.\n\n(phone rings)\n\nDR. RESTON\nExcuse me. Yes, Oh yes, Bobo. No it's\njust east of madison. Around 4:00 will\nbe fine. All right Bobo. (hangs up)\n...I'm sorry where were we?\n\nELAINE\nWell, I was just telling you about this\nother guy.\n\nDR. RESTON\nElaine, do you remember your dream where\nyou have a sexual encounter with a Chinese\nwoman?\n\nELAINE\nYeah. Yeah, (cough, cough) ha um.\n\nDR. RESTON\nElaine, I'm concerned about you.\n\nELAINE\nOh, don't concern yourself with me,\nbecause I'm good. I'm very good, I mean\nI'm really very very good.\n\nDR. RESTON\nElaine. Have you been urinating a lot\nagain?\n\nELAINE\n... no.\n\nDR. RESTON\nAnd how often have you been seeing,\n...? I'm sorry what is his name?\n\nELAINE\nHis name?\n\nDR. RESTON\nYes, his name.\n\nELAINE\nUm, what's the difference?\n\nDR. RESTON\nAre you afraid to tell me his name?\n\nELAINE\nNo, no, I just don't see how that's\nrelevant.\n\nDR. RESTON\nIt doesn't matter if you don't see how.\nI see how.\n\nELAINE\nUh, his name, uh, Idon't even know,\nall right you want to know his name?\nI'll tell you his name. His name is\n... Kramer.\n\nDR. RESTON\nKramer. Is that his first name or his\nlast name?\n\nELAINE\nOh, I'm really uncomfortable talking\nabout this.\n\nDR. RESTON\nElaine, I want you to do me a favor.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nDR. RESTON\nI want you to tell this young man to\ngive me a call. It is very important\nthat I speak to him.\n\nELAINE\nOh, no, no no no, I can't do that.\n\nDR. RESTON\nYou can do it and you will do it.\n\nELAINE\nNo, I can't.\n\nDR. RESTON\nYou can and you will.\n\nELAINE\nOkay, okay. I'll have Kramer give you\na call.\n\n(Restaurant)\n\nJERRY\nSo you didn't even let the doctor treat\nyou?\n\nMORTY\nI wouldn't give him the satiusfaction.\n\nHELEN\nWhy did you leave your wallet in your\npants?\n\nMORTY\nWhat are you talking about? What was\nI supposed to hide it somewhere?\n\nHELEN\nWell. You could have taken it with you.\n\nMORTY\nOh, yeah, I'd be lying on the X-Ray\ntable with my wallet in my mouth.\n\n(Leo enter)\n\nLEO\nHello,,hello.\n\nJERRY\nHi Uncle Leo.\n\nLEO\nI just talked to Dr. Denvro's son. He\nsaid they almost had to call the police.\n\nMORTY\nWhat are you talking about? I'm the\none who should have called the police.\nThey stole my wallet.\n\nLEO\nYou know how hard it was for me to get\nthjat appointment for you? You can't\njust walk in on this guy. He did me\na personal favor.\n\nMORTY\nAll right, Leo.\n\nLEO\nYou walked out without paying.\n\nMORTY\nHow was I supposed to pay? I didn't\nhave my wallet.\n\nLEO\nWell, I hope you sent him a check.\n\nMORTY\nWhat for?\n\nLEO\nWhat for? This man was nice enough to\nsee you. He did me a personal favor.\n\nMORTY\nThat's the second time you said \"personal\nfavor\". Why do you keep saying that?\n\nLEO\nI said it once.\n\nMORTY\nTwice! And Dembrowdoesn't even know\nyou. His son happens to live on your\nfloor.\n\nHELEN\nLeo, where did you get that watch?\n\nLEO\nYou know where I got this? (flashback)\nI found it in the garbage can. It kept\nterrible time. I brought it over to\nJimmy Sherman right here on 85th and\nColumbus. Gave it to me back the next\nday. Works great. What kind of idiot\nthrows a way a perfectly good watch?\n\nHELEN\nDoesn't that watch look like the one\nwe gave Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHey, where's the waiter. Dad, what say\nwe have some red meat tonight. Let's\nlive a . .\n\n(looking at watch)\n\nJERRY\nCan we continue this another time.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Watch.html",
    "text": "THE WATCH\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nIt's an entire industry of bad gifts,\naren't they? All those\n\nexecutive gifts, any stupid, goofy, brass, wood thing, they put\na piece of green\n\nfelt on the bottom. \"It's a golf, desk, tie and stress organiser,\ndad.\" But to\n\nme, nothing compares with the paperweight as a bad gift. There's\nno better\n\nway than a paperweight, to express to someone that, \"I refuse\nto put any thought\n\ninto this at all.\" Where are these people working that the papers\nare just\n\nblowing right off of their desks? What, are their desks screwed\nto the back of\n\na flat-bed truck going down the highway or something? What, are\nthey\n\ntyping up in the crow's nest of a clipper ship? What do you need\na paperweight for?\n\n(Restaurant)\n\nJerry, Helen and Morty Seinfeld and uncle Leo are having dinner.\n\nMORTY\n(to Leo) I don't understand this jeweller,\nJimmy Sherman.\n\n(indicates Jerry) He brings in a watch, it takes over a week\nto fix. He fixed\n\nyours in one day.\n\nJERRY\nOh, you know these jewellers, they're\nenigmas. They're\n\nmysteries, wrapped in a riddle.\n\nMorty sits, brooding a little. A hostess, Naomi, passes the table.\n\nHelen watches her.\n\nHELEN\n(indicating to Jerry) She's very attractive.\n\nJERRY\nShe's okay.\n\nHELEN\nJust okay?\n\nJERRY\nShe's nice.\n\nHELEN\nShe's better than nice.\n\nJERRY\nShe's all right.\n\nHELEN\nShe's beautiful.\n\nJERRY\nShe's not beautiful.\n\nHELEN\nI think she's beautiful.\n\nJERRY\nSo you ask her out.\n\nHELEN\nI'm not gonna ask her out.\n\nJERRY\nWhy not?\n\nHELEN\nIf you don't think she's beautiful,\nthere's something wrong with\n\nyou.\n\nJERRY\nShe's pretty. She's not beautiful.\n\nHELEN\nI should drop dead if she's not beautiful.\n\nJERRY\nI think that's a little extreme.\n\nLEO\n(grudgingly) She's awright.\n\nMORTY\n(oblivious to the above) Two exact same\nwatches. He tells you a\n\nweek, and him a day. How could that be? Something's fishy about\nthis.\n\n(George's Car)\n\nGEORGE\nHe said what?\n\nSUSAN\n\"The hell with them.\"\n\nGEORGE\n\"The hell with them?\"\n\nSUSAN\nThose were his exact words.\n\nGEORGE\n(worried) Oh boy.\n\nSUSAN\nHe said, \"We've got five hundred shows\nto choose from. Why\n\nshould we give two guys, who have no idea, and no experience,\nmore money?\"\n\nGEORGE\n(still worried) He was pretty emphatic?\n\nSUSAN\nPounded on his desk.\n\nGEORGE\nPounded?\n\nSUSAN\n(tossing her purse on the dash) I told\nyou to take the offer.\n\nGEORGE\n(getting animated) Look I, I uh, I had\nnothing to do with this.\n\nIt wasn't my decision. It was Jerry! Jerry told me no. I'm the\ncreative\n\nguy. He handles the business end.\n\nSUSAN\nYou said it was insulting.\n\nGEORGE\nI was quoting him. Why would I be insulted?\nI'm never insulted.\n\nYou could call me baldy, dump soup on my head. Nothing insults\nme.\n\nSUSAN\nWell, there's nothing I can do.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, don't they make a counter offer?\nHow can they just cancel\n\nthe whole deal like that? What kind of a maniac is this guy?\nI mean he\n\njust, he says no, and that's it?\n\nSUSAN\nYeah, that's the way Russell is. He\ndoesn't like to play games.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, he has to play! He can't just\nnot play. We're playing!\n\nLook, I gotta see him, how do I get in touch with him?\n\nSUSAN\nYou'll have to wait til Monday.\n\nGEORGE\nMon...? No, no, I can't wait til Monday,\nthat's impossible, I\n\ngotta talk to him now. Where does he live?\n\nSUSAN\n(laugh) I can't give you his address.\n\nGeorge looks frustrated for a second, then notices Susan's purse\non the\n\ndash. He grabs it, Susan grabs it and a struggle ensues.\n\nSUSAN\nGive it back!\n\nGEORGE\nGimme the purse!\n\n(Kramer's Apartment)\n\nElaine and Kramer sit on the couch.\n\nELAINE\nOkay, so he just wants to talk to you.\nI couldn't talk him out\n\nof it. So you just tell him that you're my boyfriend and that\nwe're in love,\n\nokay. Can you do that?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah, okay. I'm your boyfriend.\n\nELAINE\nOkay.\n\nKRAMER\nHave we been intimate?\n\nELAINE\nYeah. Yeah, we've been intimate.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, how often do we do it?\n\nELAINE\nKramer, how is that important? Honestly,\ndo you really think\n\nhe's gonna ask you that?\n\nKRAMER\nElaine, he's a psychiatrist. They're\ninterested in stuff like\n\nthat.\n\nELAINE\nAlright, alright. We do it, uh... (thinks)\nfive times a week,\n\nokay?\n\nKRAMER\n(suggestive) Oooh, baby. (smiles)\n\nELAINE\nOh, man. Alright, listen. Just tell\nme something, what are you\n\ngonna say?\n\nKRAMER\nI know what I'm gonna say.\n\nELAINE\nNo, no, but I would like to hear it.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no. I don't wanna say it out loud.\nKills the spontaneity.\n\nYou know, Gleason, he never rehearsed. (indicates phone) 'Kay,\ngo 'head, do it.\n\nElaine picks up the phone, while Kramer prepares himself.\n\nELAINE\n(dialling) Alright, okay. You talk to\nhim.\n\nKRAMER\n(playing with his hair) Talk to him.\n\nELAINE\nHey, how's your hair?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, well, yeah, it's good.\n\nELAINE\n(handing over the phone) You're not\nthe type that should be\n\nplaying with matches, seriously Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\n(listens) Uh, yes. Uh uh, Doctor uh,\nReston, is he in? Well,\n\nthis is Kramer and uh, he's expecting my call.\n\nELAINE\n(mouths silently) Okay.\n\nKramer holds on. He begins to sing along with the hold music.\n\nKRAMER\n(singing) ...Johnny ...was a rebel.\nHe rode through the land...\n\nHe waggles his eyebrows at Elaine, who gives a 'what the hell\nis he\n\ndoing?' look.\n\nKRAMER\n...Yu uh, yes, yes uh, uh, Doctor Reston.\nUhm well, hello\n\nthere. Ahh yeah, well, I'm a good friend of Elaine's...\n\nELAINE\n(animated, but quietly) No, no. Not\nfriends.\n\nKRAMER\n...Well, actually uh, we're uh, we're\nnot friends Uh, we're uh,\n\nwe're much more than friends...\n\nElaine signals her approval, indicating that Kramer should keep\ngoing.\n\nKRAMER\n...and uh, I'm afraid we have a bit\nof a problem. Well, the\n\npoint is, doctor uh, I'm very much in love with Elaine...\n\nElaine smiles.\n\nKRAMER\n...and uh, she's very much in love with\nme, and uh, well uh, we\n\nwould uh, appreciate it if you would cease and desist, and allow\nus to pursue\n\nour courtship unfettered.\n\nElaine looks extremely pleased, she gives Kramer okay gestures.\n\nELAINE\n(mouths silently) That's perfect!\n\nKRAMER\nIf not, I can assure you, doctor, that\nI can make things very\n\nunpleasant for you and your staff. If you have one.\n\nElaine looks even happier. She slaps Kramer on the arm to indicate\nhe's\n\ndoing so well.\n\nKRAMER\nYes. Yeah, but the point that I... (listens)\n\nElaine's smile begins to look a bit stiff.\n\nKRAMER\n...Ah, ye... (listens) Well, no... Uh,\nyeah, that's possible...\n\nElaine's face starts to look a bit sick.\n\nKRAMER\n(listens) ...Well, I suppose I could,\n(turns away from Elaine)\n\nbut I'd have to shift a few things around, uhm... Hold on for\na second, will\n\nyou? Uh...\n\nKramer reaches down and picks up a writing pad, he puts it on\nhis knee.\n\nElaine watches, looking increasingly confused and worried.\n\nKRAMER\n... Uh, go ahead, yeah. (listens and\nmakes a note) Alright\n\nuh... Yeah, yeah, okay... I look forward to it too. (listens)\nEh, hah, okay. So\n\nlong.\n\nKramer hangs up the phone.\n\nELAINE\nWhat happened? What'd he say? (indicates\npad) What's going on\n\nhere?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, okay now. He uh, you know, he uh,\nwants to get together.\n\nELAINE\n(horrified) Get together!!\n\nKRAMER\nHe wants to talk.\n\nELAINE\nWell, why didn't you say no!!\n\nKRAMER\n(momentary confusion) Wha...? Uh...\n(thoughtful) That's\n\ninteresting.\n\nElaine flops back into the couch, let down again by Kramer.\n\nELAINE\n(frustration) Ugh!\n\n(Restaurant)\n\nNaomi, the hostess, stands by the Seinfeld's table.\n\nNAOMI\nDid you enjoy your poisson?\n\nHELEN\nIt was... different.\n\nNAOMI\n(to Jerry) And how was yours?\n\nJERRY\nAh, very good.\n\nNAOMI\nYou should try our mousse. (a little\nflirtatious) It'll change\n\nyour life expectancy.\n\nJERRY\nNo thanks, just the check.\n\nNaomi leaves.\n\nHELEN\nWhat's the matter with you?\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nHELEN\nWhy didn't you flirt with her?\n\nJERRY\nCome on.\n\nHELEN\nShe was flirting with you. Why didn't\nyou say something?\n\nJERRY\nWhat am I gonna say?\n\nHELEN\nYou just sat there.\n\nJERRY\nWell, you made me uncomfortable.\n\nHELEN\nYou're a comedian, couldn't you come\nup with something?\n\nLEO\n(to Morty) Where's the bathroom?\n\nJERRY\nIn the back, on your right.\n\nLeo gets up and leaves. The busboy brings the check to the table.\nAs he\n\nputs it down, Morty takes hold of it. Jerry grabs it too. A tug\nof war\n\ndevelops.\n\nJERRY\nDad!\n\nMORTY\nWill you stop it Jerry. Let go.\n\nHELEN\nJerry.\n\nJERRY\nWill you let me pay just once.\n\nMORTY\nYou're out of your mind.\n\nJERRY\nHow you gonna pay? You don't even have\na wallet!\n\nMORTY\nDon't worry about it.\n\nJERRY\nWhat're you gonna do?\n\nMORTY\nWhat's the difference, we'll figure\nsomething out.\n\nHELEN\n(to Jerry) You're not paying.\n\nJerry releases his grip, allowing a triumphant Morty to take\nthe check.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, fine. You figure something\nout. I'd be very curious to\n\nknow how you pick up a check with no money. 'Cause if this works,\nthe whole\n\nmonetary system's obsolete, we're back to wampum. (standing)\nI'm going to the\n\nbathroom.\n\nJerry walks away. Morty reads the check, with Helen leaning to\nread it\n\ntoo.\n\nMORTY\nHow the hell am I gonna pay for this?\n\n(Restaurant Bathroom)\n\nJerry enters, to find Leo washing his hands. Leo notices Jerry\nin the\n\nmirror.\n\nLEO\nThey give you some portion here, huh?\n\nJERRY\nUh, yeah. (broaching a subject) Hey\nuncle Leo, I hope I wasn't\n\nuh, rude to you that day I bumped into you on the street. Uh,\nI really did have\n\nto get to\n\na meeting.\n\nLEO\n(preening himself in the mirror) Aw,\nno, no, I understand. I got\n\nplenty of friends in showbusiness. I know you're all very busy.\n\nJERRY\nSo you found that watch in the garbage\ncan, huh?\n\nLEO\nYeah. In fact it was right after I ran\ninto you.\n\nJERRY\nOh, heh. You know, a friend of mine\nhas a watch just like that.\n\nI'd love to replace it for him as a gift.\n\nLEO\nWell, I haven't seen too many like (indicating\nwatch) these.\n\nLeo begins to head for the door. Jerry walks backwards, keeping\npace\n\nwith him.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I know. Maybe uh, you wanna sell\nme that one.\n\nLEO\n(sarcastic) Aww, sure. (laughter)\n\nLeo opens the door and begins to exit. Jerry grabs him by the\narm.\n\nJERRY\n(pulling Leo back in) Hang on a second.\nI got a little\n\nproposition for you.\n\n(Apartment Building Lobby)\n\nA uniformed doorman is on the phone to a tenant, while a nervous\nGeorge\n\nstands beside him.\n\nDOORMAN\n(into phone) There's a George Bonanza\nto see you.\n\nGEORGE\nCostanza. Costanza.\n\nDOORMAN\n(into phone) George Costanza.\n\nGEORGE\nThe guy who pitched him the show with\nthe stories about\n\nnothing. (snaps fingers) Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry Seinfeld's friend.\n\nDOORMAN\n(into phone) Seinfeld friend. (he listens)\n(to George) He\n\nsays, call him Monday.\n\nA desperate George grabs the phone, and the doorman's hand, and\npulls\n\nit down so's he can speak into it.\n\nGEORGE\n(into phone, frantic) Mister Dalrimple!\nMister Dalrimple I have\n\nto talk to you!\n\nDOORMAN\nExcuse me.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's about the show. It... No, it was...\n\nDOORMAN\nExcuse me.\n\nGEORGE\n...It was all a terrible misunderstanding,\nsir. Just five\n\nminutes. Just five minutes of your time. (listens) Thank you!\nThank you, Mister\n\nDalrimple.\n\nGeorge releases his grip on the phone, and indicates the doorman\nshould\n\nlisten to it. Keeping a wary eye on George, he does.\n\nDOORMAN\n(into phone) Very good, sir.\n\nA happier George slaps the doorman on the shoulder and heads\ntoward\n\nRussell Dalrimple's apartment.\n\n(Restaurant)\n\nMorty stands, explaining his predicament to the maitre d', who\nspeaks\n\nwith an approximate French accent.\n\nMORTY\nYou don't understand. I can't allow\nmy son to pay for me. Look,\n\nas soon as I get back to Florida, I promise you I'll mail you\na check.\n\nMAITRE D'\nWhy don't you just let him pay, and\nthen you can pay him\n\nback?\n\nMORTY\nNo, no, he won't let me do that.\n\nMAITRE D'\nWhy don't you just put the money in\nhis pants pocket,\n\nunsuspectingly?\n\nMORTY\nHe could wash them.\n\nMAITRE D'\nMonsieur, we are running a reputable\nbusiness.\n\nMORTY\nDon't tell me about business! I sold\nraincoats for thirty-five\n\nyears!\n\nMAITRE D'\nAha, but you did not give them away,\ndid you?\n\nMORTY\nYou don't understand my...\n\nMAITRE D'\nAh, monsieur, I cannot get involved\nwith you and your\n\nfamily, ah.\n\n(Street Corner)\n\nKramer and Elaine stroll to the entrance of Dr Reston's building.\n\nELAINE\nNow look, don't take too long.\n\nKRAMER\n(looking around) Look at this building.\nWhat is this?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know. It's a building.\n\nKRAMER\n(indicating) The door's on a diagonal.\n\nELAINE\nSo what?\n\nKRAMER\n(looking around) It's architecturally\nincorrect.\n\nELAINE\n(frustrated) Just go.\n\nKramer opens the door and begins to enter. Elaine waves him goodbye,\n\nthen wonders why she's doing that and gives up.\n\n(Russell Dalrimple's Apartment)\n\nRussell has opened the door to an anxious George. In the background\nis\n\na set dinner table, at which sits Cynthia, Russell's beautiful\ndate. She\n\nlooks haughty and bored throughout the scene.\n\nGEORGE\n(sidling in) Is this a bad time? I hope\nI'm not disturbing\n\nanything.\n\nRUSSELL\nWe were about to sit down to dinner.\n\nGeorge motions he's sorry, but makes no effort to leave.\n\nRUSSELL\n(indicating) This is Cynthia.\n\nGEORGE\n(entering the apartment more fully)\nOh. Oh, hi, hi. Hi. Nice to\n\nmeet you. (peering at the table) What're you having, veal?\n\nRUSSELL\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nLooks like veal.\n\nRUSSELL\nIt's not veal.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, it's a good looking piece of meat.\n(laughs nervously)\n\nWow, this is some place. A duplex, huh? (indicating) Look at\nthis, you got stairs in\n\nan apartment. All my life, I dreamed about having steps in an\napartment.\n\nEven one step. Sunken living room. Although, one step is really\nnot all that\n\nsunken. (tries hard to elicit a laugh)\n\nRUSSELL\nWho gave you my address?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, that's a fair question. It is, uhm...\n(nervous chuckle)\n\nJerry, yeah. (to Cynthia) Jerry's a friend of mine. (to Russell)\nHe uh, he gave it\n\nto me. Unbelievable how many addresses of people this guy has.\n\nRussell closes the door.\n\nGEORGE\nHe's got Marlon Brando's. I could go\nto Marlon Brando's house\n\nif I\n\nreally wanted.\n\nCynthia rises and slinks past George toward the living room area.\n\nGEORGE\nCourse, I wouldn't, I mean uh, the guy\nis uh, well obviously\n\n(to Cynthia, as she passes) the guy has his problems.\n\nRUSSELL\nSo, what's the surprise? You wanna talk\nabout the show?\n\nCynthia sits on the couch, and puts her wine glass on the coffee\ntable.\n\nAs George speaks, Russell crosses to the coffee table, picks\nup the glass\n\nand puts down a coaster, before sitting the glass on it.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, you know, it's really very funny,\nbecause you know what\n\nwe got here, really? We really, really, just have a terrible\nmisunderstanding.\n\nYou see, when I passed on the deal, I thought that's what Jerry\nwanted me to\n\nsay. Y'know, I, I misinterpreted.\n\nCYNTHIA\n(bored) Russell, where's the TV Guide.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, what time is it? Eight thirty? I'll\ntell you what's on. You\n\ngot Major Dad, Blossom, very funny programme...\n\nRUSSELL\nBlossom's on Monday.\n\nGEORGE\nAre you sure? Oh, look who I'm talking\nto. The president of\n\nNBC. (forced laughter)\n\nRUSSELL\nLook Mister Costanza, it's too late\nnow anyway. I already made\n\na deal with another writing team.\n\nGEORGE\n(worried) Alright, alright. Look, we're\npeople, you and me,\n\nhuh? Businessmen. Colleagues, if I may. Let's not quibble. We'll\ndo it for\n\nthe thirteen thousand. Thirteen thousand, and I never came up\nhere, we\n\nnever talked, alright. You take good care. (moving past Russell\ntoward the door) It\n\nwas nice seeing you again, and nice meeting you. (to Cynthia)\nCynthia, right?\n\nGeorge is opening the door.\n\nRUSSELL\nAlright, now look. These deals are already\nmade.\n\nGeorge closes the door and turns back to Russell.\n\nGEORGE\nAwright, lemme just say this. Ten thousand\ndollars, alright,\n\nand now I'm going below what you wanted to pay. You have your\ndinner, have your\n\nveal, or whatever it is. Enjoy...\n\nGeorge opens the door, and is halfway through.\n\nRUSSELL\nMister Costanza.\n\nGeorge re-enters again.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, that's it. Alright, good, eight\nthousand dollars. (to\n\nCynthia) Cynthia, again, nice meeting you. Have I commented on\nthe shoes? I love\n\nsuede, it's so thick and rich. Did you ever, you ever rub it\nagainst the\n\ngrain? Alright, anyway...\n\nGeorge is halfway through the door again.\n\nCYNTHIA\n(bored, frustrated) Russell, can we\neat?\n\nRUSSELL\n(to George) Alright. Eight thousand.\n\nGEORGE\n(pleased) You've made Jerry very happy.\n\nGeorge exits and Russell closes the door firmly. As Russell returns\nto\n\nCynthia, there is a tentative tap at the door. Russell opens\nit, to reveal\n\nGeorge.\n\nGEORGE\nMay I just use your bathroom for a moment?\n\n(Restaurant Bathroom)\n\nLeo and Jerry are mid-negotiation over the watch.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, two hundred, but that's as\nhigh as I can go. I really\n\nthink you're being unreasonable here!\n\nLEO\nJerry, I'd give you the watch. It's\nnot the money, I happen to\n\nlike it.\n\nJERRY\nLook, I happen to know how much that\nwatch cost. It's a sixty\n\ndollar watch, you paid forty to get it fixed. That's a hundred\ndollars. I'm\n\noffering you two hundred!\n\nLEO\n(indicating) I've never seen a band\nlike this.\n\nJERRY\nAww, right. Three hundred, plus fifty\nfor the repair. Three\n\nfifty, that's it!\n\nLEO\nYou have it on you?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I think I do.\n\nJerry fetches out his wallet.\n\nJERRY\n(under his breath) This is unbelievable.\n\nJerry begins handing over a wad of bills to Leo. The door to\nthe\n\nbathroom opens and Morty enters.\n\nMORTY\nWhat the hell is going on here?\n\n(Dr Reston's Office)\n\nOn the street outside, Elaine waits, while upstairs Kramer introduces\n\nhimself to Dr Reston.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, it uh, (offering his hand) it's\na pleasure to meet you.\n\nRESTON\n(shaking hands) Thank you for coming\nin.\n\nKRAMER\nThank you.\n\nRESTON\nPlease, sit down.\n\nDr Reston sits in one of a pair of leather armchairs which face\neach\n\nother, he crosses his legs.\n\nKRAMER\n(quiet) Okay.\n\nKramer sits and the leather of the chair makes a series of embarrassing\n\nrumbles and squeaks, with more of the same as he emulates Dr\nReston's crossed\n\nlegs sitting position.\n\nRESTON\nCould I offer you something to drink.\nUhm, coffee? Anything?\n\nKRAMER\nOkay uh, yeah. I'll have a uh, you have\na decaf cappuccino?\n\nRESTON\nI don't think we have that.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, that's a little strange.\n\nRESTON\nUh, why does that surprise you?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, it's uh, it's a very popular drink\n\nRESTON\nThis is an office.\n\nKRAMER\nThat's true. But, you know, I can't\nhelp but think that uh...\n\nRESTON\n(interrupting) So tell me Mister Kramer...\n\nKRAMER\n...Okay, yes, shoot.\n\nRESTON\nTell me all about uh, you and Elaine.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, alrighty uh...\n\nHe moves in his seat, resulting in another digestive tract rumble\nfrom\n\nthe leather.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, what we have here, doctor, is\nuhm, an extraordinary\n\nsituation.\n\nRESTON\nIs it?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, you better believe it.\n\n(Street Corner)\n\nElaine is waiting outside for Kramer. Along the street strolls\nJoe\n\nDavola, singing as he goes.\n\nDAVOLA\n(singing) '...Travelling along...'\n\nElaine recognises the tune, and joins in.\n\nELAINE/DAVOLA\n'...singing a song, side by side...'\n\nDavola stops and looks at Elaine. He looks like he likes what\nhe sees,\n\nand Elaine seems interested too. They flirt.\n\nELAINE\nWow. You really have a terrible voice.\n\nDAVOLA\nDo I know you?\n\nELAINE\nUhh, I don't think so.\n\nDAVOLA\n'Cos you really look familiar.\n\nELAINE\nOh, well maybe you've seen me. My face\nis on uhm, Mount\n\nRushmore.\n\nDAVOLA\nOh yes, of course, that's it. I guess\nI'm just used to seeing\n\nit on a much larger scale.\n\nELAINE\nOh yeah, right. I replaced uh, Teddy\nRoosevelt.\n\nDAVOLA\nOh really.\n\nELAINE\nUmm. Trustbuster. Bust this.\n\nThey laugh and smile at each other.\n\n(Dr. Reston's Office)\n\nKramer and Dr Reston are also laughing.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, I never thought of it like\nthat before, doctor.\n\n(points) You, are absolutely right.\n\nRESTON\nI'm glad we agree.\n\nKRAMER\n(reaching in pocket) Hey, would you\nlike a cigar? Y'know,\n\nthey're Cubans.\n\nRESTON\nI'd love one.\n\nKramer hands over a cigar and fetches a match from his pocket.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. You know, I think Elaine is a\nwonderful woman. You two\n\nare gonna make a wonderful couple.\n\nKramer strikes a match on the sole of his shoe.\n\nRESTON\nIf you ever feel, a need to talk to\nsomeone...\n\nKRAMER\n(lighting Dr Reston's cigar) Uh huh.\n\nRESTON\n...About anything. You have my number.\n\nKRAMER\n(lighting his own cigar) Well, that's\nvery kind of you.\n\nKramer puts down the match, not noticing he's placed it on a\nbox of\n\ntissues. He and Dr Reston puff contentedly at their cigars.\n\nKRAMER\nMmm, these are good, huh?\n\nKramer notices he's set light to the top tissue in the box.\n\nKRAMER\n(quiet) Oh.\n\nKramer pulls the smouldering tissue from the box. He shakes it\nto put\n\nout the fire, but a piece falls to the floor. As he reaches for\nit, he keeps\n\nthe rest of the tissue in his hand, where it burns his fingers.\nHe jumps, almost\n\ndropping his cigar, and sucks at his burned digits.\n\n(Street Corner)\n\nElaine is using Davola's back as a rest as she jots her number\non a\n\npiece of paper.\n\nELAINE\nI cannot believe I'm doing this. I never\nmeet people like this.\n\nYou're not a nut, are you?\n\nDAVOLA\nNo, I don't think so.\n\nElaine hands the piece of paper and the pen back to Davola as\nthey\n\nlaugh at the ludicrous possibility that he might be a nut.\n\n(Restaurant)\n\nNaomi is handing her card to Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nI can't believe I'm doing this. I never\ndo stuff like this.\n\nNAOMI\n(joking) Really? I give out my number\nto just about every\n\ncustomer who comes in here.\n\nJERRY\nOh. (chuckles) Really? You don't seem\nthat desperate.\n\nNAOMI\n(playing it straight) Oh yeah. Actually,\nI'm a little\n\ndisappointed. I kind of had my eye on uncle Leo.\n\nJERRY\nUh huh. Well uh, I'll give you a call,\nand thanks for the fish.\n\nBy the way, you know why fish are so thin?\n\nNAOMI\nWhy?\n\nJERRY\nThey eat fish.\n\nNaomi starts to laugh at his joke. It is, of course, the laugh\nlater\n\ndescribed as 'Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer'. It's loud and\npersistent. Jerry\n\nleaves, but then leans back around the corner with a look of\ndisbelief on his face.\n\n(Lobby In Dr. Reston's Office)\n\nA cheerful Joe Davola waits for the elevator to arrive, whistling\n'Side\n\nBy Side'. The elevator arrives with a ding of the bell. The door\nopens and\n\nKramer steps out, shielded from Davola by other passengers. Kramer\nwalks away,\n\nrelighting his cigar, as Davola enters the elevator, still whistling\n\nhappily.\n\n(Street Corner)\n\nElaine sits on the steps outside the building. The door opens\nand one\n\nof the other elevator passengers exits, he releases the door,\nwhich swings\n\nshut, almost striking Kramer. Kramer walks toward Elaine.\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nELAINE\nWhat happened? What took you so long?\n\nKRAMER\nHey, he's a terrific guy.\n\nELAINE\nWha...? What are you talking about?\nWhat'd he say?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, we talked about a lot of things.\n\nThe camera pans up, toward the lighted window of Dr Reston's\noffice.\n\nELAINE\nYou talked about a lot of things? Well...\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nDid you talk about us?\n\nElaine and Kramer's voices fade out, and the voices inside the\nwindow\n\nfade up.\n\nDAVOLA\nI'm in love. I just met her outside\nin the street. Her\n\nname's Elaine. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.\n\nRESTON\nDid you say Elaine?\n\n(Nightclub)\n\nJerry's standup piece.\n\nJERRY\nHow come the psychiatrist, every, the\nhour is only fifty\n\nminutes? Wha, what do they do with that ten minutes that they\nhave left? Do they just\n\nsit there going, \"Boy, that guy was crazy. I couldn't believe\nthe things he\n\nwas saying. What a nut! Who's coming in next? Oh, no, another\nheadcase!\"\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry brings his parents' cases from the bedroom. Helen is finishing\n\npacking.\n\nMORTY\nYou shoulda told me it didn't work.\n\nJERRY\nI know, I know.\n\nHELEN\nYou didn't have to throw it out.\n\nJERRY\nI was always late. It was frustrating\nme. I'm sorry, I really\n\nam.\n\nThe buzzer sounds.\n\nHELEN\nOh, that must be Leo.\n\nJERRY\nI woulda taken you to the airport.\n\nHELEN\nHe has nothing to do.\n\nJERRY\nNeither do I. (to intercom) Yeah?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's George.\n\nJERRY\nCome on up. (to parents) It's George.\n\nMORTY\nOh, it's George.\n\nHELEN\nWhat ever happened with NBC and the\ndeal?\n\nJERRY\nAh, George turned it down.\n\nHELEN\nHe turned it down?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nHELEN\nWhy did he do that?\n\nJERRY\nBecause of Ted Danson.\n\nHELEN\nWhat does Ted Danson have to do with\nit?\n\nMORTY\nMaybe he doesn't like Ted Danson.\n\nJERRY\n(fetching a drink from the fridge) Hey,\nwho knows, maybe we'll\n\nwind up getting more money.\n\nGeorge enters.\n\nGEORGE\n(to Jerry) Hey.\n\nMORTY\nHey, Georgie-boy, how are ya?\n\nGEORGE\nHey, Mr Seinfeld. (shakes Morty's hand)\nHey, Mrs Seinfeld. How\n\nare you?\n\nHe approaches Helen for a greeting.\n\nHELEN\nWhat's the matter with you?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat'd I do?\n\nJERRY\nWhat about NBC? Did you hear anything?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, as a matter of fact, I did.\n\nJerry looks expectantly, but George makes him wait.\n\nGEORGE\nWe got a deal.\n\nThere is an outpouring of jubilation and congratulations aimed\nat\n\nGeorge.\n\nMORTY/HELEN/JERRY\n(simultaneous) Hey!/That's wonderful!/We\ngot a deal!\n\nJERRY\nHeyy! Terrific.\n\nMORTY\nYou see, he had the right idea. Hold\nout. That's how you get the\n\nbig money, huh George? (slaps George on the shoulder)\n\nGEORGE\nUh, please, Morty.\n\nMORTY\nNo, no, no. He knows how to talk to\nthese people. No-one's gonna\n\ntake advantage of Georgie. (slaps George's shoulder again)\n\nGEORGE\nI'm just happy to be working with your\ntalented son...\n\nJERRY\nAww...\n\nGEORGE\n...Who's not doing this for the money.\n\nJERRY\n...C'mon.\n\nGEORGE\nYou have no idea how refreshing that\nis.\n\nJERRY\nSo what'd we get?\n\nGEORGE\n(big smile) Eight thousand dollars.\n\nJERRY\nBeautiful!\n\nGEORGE\n(quietly) That's uh, for the two of\nus.\n\nHELEN\nFour thousand apiece?\n\nJERRY\nLemme see if I understand this. In other\nwords, you held out\n\nfor... less money.\n\nGEORGE\nI was wrong, you were right.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, the basic idea of negotiation,\nas I understand it, is\n\nto get your price to go... up.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're smart, I'm dumb.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, this is how they negotiate\nin the bizarro world.\n\nThe buzzer sounds.\n\nHELEN\nThat's gotta be Leo.\n\nJERRY\n(to intercom) Yeah?\n\nLEO\nLeo.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, we're coming down.\n\nMORTY\nAlright, let's get going.\n\nJERRY\nDad, before we go, I got a little something\nfor you.\n\nJerry fetches a small package from the kitchen drawer and offers\nit to\n\nMorty.\n\nJERRY\nA present.\n\nMORTY\nA present?\n\nMorty opens it.\n\nMORTY\nHey! Look at this, a wallet. Exactly\nwhat I needed, y'see.\n\nJERRY\nC'mon, you lost your wallet, I figured\nI'd get you another one.\n\nHELEN\nI hope you didn't spend too much on\nthat.\n\nMORTY\nI wanna tell you. This is one of the\nmost thoughtful gifts\n\nanyone's ever given me.\n\nHELEN\nHe's something, you son, isn't he?\n\nJERRY\nAh hah, alright, let's go.\n\nEveryone begins to head for the door.\n\nMORTY\nYou're a terrific kid.\n\nJerry picks up a case.\n\nJERRY\nOkay.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, he's something, isn't he?\n\nGeorge picks up the other case, as Morty and Helen exit.\n\nHELEN\nHow could anybody not like you?\n\nGEORGE\n(to Jerry) You're very special.\n\nJERRY\n(pointedly) Yeah, I'm good for about\nfour thousand dollars.\n\n(Street)\n\nUncle Leo has the trunk of his car open and looks impatient.\n\nLEO\nHey, let's go! It's twelve (checks watch)\nuh, twelve twenty-two.\n\nMORTY\nAlright, Leo.\n\nJERRY\nHey, uncle Leo.\n\nLEO\nHi, hi...\n\nJERRY\nHow you doing?\n\nThere are murmurs of greetings.\n\nJERRY\nThis is some beautiful parking spot\nyou got here.\n\nLEO\nYeah, I hate to give it up.\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Hey, dad, you sure you don't need\nany more money?\n\nMORTY\nJerry!\n\nJERRY\nAlright, I'm just joking. Listen, have\na nice trip.\n\nHELEN\n(hugging Jerry) Bye bye, Jerry.\n\nGEORGE\nBye Mrs Seinfeld, take care.\n\nMORTY\nBye bye. (hugging Jerry) Thanks again\nfor the wallet.\n\nGEORGE\n(shaking hands with Morty) Morty, always\na pleasure.\n\nJERRY\nTake care now. So long.\n\nJerry and George walk away to cross the street back to the apartment.\n\nThey speak quietly, so's Helen and Morty don't overhear.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, like he was really gonna take\nyour money.\n\nJERRY\nOh, he took it. I put four hundred dollars\nin the new wallet.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're kidding.\n\nJERRY\nHe lost all that cash. It was the only\nway I could give it back\n\nto him, otherwise he wouldn't accept it.\n\nGEORGE\nMan, would I like to see the look on\nhis face.\n\nJerry gives a final wave to his parents. They wave back.\n\nMORTY\nYou believe this?\n\nHELEN\nWhat?\n\nMORTY\n(indicates the new wallet) It's velcro.\n\nHELEN\nYou're kidding.\n\nMORTY\nWho needs this?\n\nHe tosses the wallet into the trash bin.\n\nMORTY\nLeo, let's go.\n\nMorty and Helen climb into Leo's car. Leo closes the trunk and\nwalks\n\ntoward the driver's door. He stops, as something catches his\neye. Leo picks the\n\nwallet out of the trash, looks around to see if anyone's watching,\nand tucks it\n\ninto his pocket as he goes to get in the car.\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJerry's standup piece.\n\nJERRY\n...main difference between the women's\nwallet and the man's\n\nwallet, is the photo section. True? Women carry with them a photograph\nof every\n\nperson they've ever met, every day in their whole lives, since\nthe beginning\n\nof time. And every picture is out of date. You know what I mean?\nIt's, \"Here's my\n\ncousin, three years old. She's in the marines now.\" \"This is\nmy dog. He died\n\nduring the Johnson administration.\" You know. You get stopped\nby a cop, no\n\nlicence, no registration, (waves imaginary wallet) \"Here's fifty-six\npeople that\n\nknow me.\" Cop goes. \"Alright, ma'am, just wanted to make sure\nyou had some friends, move it along. Routine pal check.\"\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Bubble-Boy.html",
    "text": "THE BUBBLE BOY\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David & Larry Charles\n\n(Jerry and Naomi enter Jerry's apartment)\n\nJERRY\nWell this is it.\n\nNAOMI\nThis is nice. Thanks again for the Chinese\nfood.\n\nJERRY\nOh, you're welcome. You know I think\nI ate too much of that garlic.\n\nNAOMI\nYeah, me too,\n\nJERRY\nNo, I ate the whole plate. I didn't\nknow those little things were garlic.\n\nNAOMI\nLaughs - ha ha ha (obnoxious laugh).\nOh, you know what? I think Naked\n\ngun is on. I've seen it. I\n\nlaughed through that whole thing. You wanna watch?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I mean, I don't think so.\n\nNAOMI\nI thought you liked to laugh. I thought\nyou uwere happy go lucky.\n\nJERRY\nNo, nah, I'm not happy and I'm not lucky,\nand I don't go. If anything\n\nI'm sad stop unlucky.\n\nNAOMI\nha ha ha ha ha ha ha\n\nJERRY\nThat's not funny Naiomi. I didn't mean\nto be funny there. Why don't you\n\ncheck the TV guide. I think uh, Holacost is on.\n\nGEORGE\n(on phone) Jerry, it's George. Hey,\nhey are you all set foe the week end.\n\nThis is going to be great. You're going to have a great time\nwith Naomi.\n\nAll right, you know she's got that laugh. What did you say? It's\nlike Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer?\n\nAAnyway, i was thinking we would take two cars up to the cabin\nand that way if one of wanted to stay you know...\n\n(Jerry rips machine out of the wall plug)\n\nJERRY\nThis thing has never worked right.\n\nNAOMI\nYou think I laugh like Elmer Fudd sitting\non a juicer?\n\nJERRY\nWell, first of all Elmer Fudd is one\nof the most beloved internationally\nknown cartoon characters of\n\nall time. \"I'm going to kill that cwazy wabbit ... ha ha \" Come\non. Not only that, a juicer is one of the\n\nhealthiest ways ... (Naomi exits) it makes the juice ... extracts\nthe pulp and the vitamins, for long life\n\nand vitality.\n\n(break)\n\nJERRY\nHow could you leave a mesage like that\non my machine.?\n\nGEORGE\nWell how could you just play your message\nin front of anybody?\n\nJERRY\nBecause I didn't think anyone would\nleave it!\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I didn't think anyone would play\nit.\n\nJERRY\nWell, now she's not going away for this\nweekend.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat do you mean not goin'? We got plans\nhere. Call her up.\n\nJERRY\nWell, it's better anyway. I mean really.\nWhat was going to happen? I'm a comedian.\nHow can I go out with a\n\ngirl with a laugh like that? It's like Coco Chanel goin' out\nwith a fish monger.\n\nCause she's with all the perfumes and a fish mongers a pretty\nbad smell.\n\nGEORGE\nWell maybe you should ask Elaine.\n\nJERRY\nYeah but if I ask Elaine, Kramer will\nfeel slighted.\n\nGEORGE\nOh no no, don't say anything to Kramer.\nSusan can't stand him. He vomited all\nover her.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, .. wait a minute do you smell\nsmoke?\n\n(Kramer enters smoking a cigar)\n\nJERRY\nAh, Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nHello boys, top of the morning to ya.\nWhat do you say? What do ya be?\n\nJERRY\nWill you put that thing out before you\nstart another fire. You had to give\nhim a box of cigars.\n\nKRAMER\nSo, what are you guys doin this weekend?\n\nJERRY\n, GEORGE: uh uh, we're uh ..\n\nKRAMER\nBecause I'm going to e playing golf\nat the Westchester country club. Hum.\n\nJERRY\nWestchester? Isn't that a private club?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, that's right buddy. It's private.\nIt's very private. But I met the pro\nat the golf shop up on 49th St.\n\nand I gave him one of these Cubans and he invites me up to play\na free round then he says anytime I lay one of\n\nthese babies on him it's going to be the same deal. Ha ha. Isn't\nthat beautiful.\n\nJERRY\nand GEORGE: ye, hu, um ye,\n\nKRAMER\nMan, I'm going to be hitting the links\nall weekend. foooo\n\nGEORGE\nGee, that's too bad.\n\nJERRY\nToo bad.\n\nKRAMER\nWhy? What wa?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, they got any golf courses up there?\n\nJERRY\nand GEORGE: No, no, no, no.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's pie country.\n\nJERRY\nYeah\n\nGEORGE\nThey do a lot of baking up there.\n\nJERRY\nThey sell them by the side of the road.\n\nPIE PIE PIE PIE\n\n(MONKS)\n\nELAINE\nI don't know.\n\nJERRY\nCome on. I don't want to tag along with\nGeorge and Susan. If you're there it\nwill be a better group.\n\nELAINE\nWhat's that?\n\nJERRY\nAh, it's an autographed picture for\nmy dry cleaner. I don't know what to\nwrite on these things.\n\nI hate doin' this.\n\nELAINE\n\"I'm very imPRESSED\"? ... Ah you mean\npressed caus' its like a dry cleaner?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, see that's why I hate it. So,\ncome on, you going to go?\n\nELAINE\nWell, what about the sleeping arrangements?\nIn the Cabin!\n\nJERRY\nWell, um same bed and uh, underwear\nand a tee shirt.\n\nELAINE\nWhat about me?\n\nJERRY\nYou'll be naked of course.\n\nELAINE\nUh, thats, ...\n\nMEL\nExcuse me, Jerry Seinfeld?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nMEL\nMy name's Sanger, mel Sanger. I drive\nthat truck out there.\n\nJERRY\nOh, the Yoo Hoo? I love Yoo Hoo.\n\nMEL\nIt's a fine product. Anyway I saw you\non the Tonight Show a couple of weeks\nago. I was watching\n\nthe show with my son Donald. He's got this rare immune deficiency\nin his blood. Damnedest thing.\n\nDoctors say he has to live in a plastic bubble. Can you imagine\nthat? A bubble.\n\nJERRY\nA bubble?\n\nELAINE\nA bubble?\n\nMEL\nYes, a bubble!\n\nMEL\nDo you mind? May I?\n\nELAINE\nOh, sure.\n\n(Mel sits down with them)\n\nMEL\nAh, It'd break your heart seein' him\nin there. It's like a prisoner. No friends\n- just his mother and me.\n\nAnd I'm out there six days a week haulin' Yoo Hoo We have sacrificed\neverything. All for our little bubble boy\n\n(breaks up in tears)\n\nMEL\nExcuse me, I\n\nELAINE\nHere (giving out paper napkins)\n\nMEL\nExcuse me, anyway we were watching you\non TV\n\nJERRY\nYou get in the bubble with him?\n\nMEL\nNo. He can see through the bubble. It's\nplastic.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I thought it was like an igloo.\n\nMEL\nNo, it's clear.\n\nJERRY\nAh ha.\n\nELAINE\nWho has the remote?\n\nMEL\nHe does.\n\nELAINE\nThe remote goes through the bubble?\n\nMEL\nYeah, he's in the bubble with the remote.\n\nJERRY\nSo you have no control over the remote?\n\nMEL\nNo, it's frustrating.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, of course, yeah.\n\nMEL\nSo anyway, you're his favourite comedian.\nhe laughed so hard the other night we\nhad to give him an extra shot\n\nof hemoglobin.\n\nJERRY\nThat's nice!\n\nMEL\nTomorrow is his birthday and it would\nmean so much to him if you could find\nit in your heart ta' pay him a visit\n\nand just say hello.\n\nJERRY\nHu, well, tomorrow, I, ...\n\nELAINE\nJerry! Of course he'd pay him a visit.\nYou'd be happy to.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, uh, Ok, uh, tomorrow uh, where\ndo you live, uh up town? Upper west\nside?\n\nMEL\nUp state.\n\nJERRY\nUp state! Hummm.\n\n(break)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nJERRY\nHe's a bubble boy.\n\nGEORGE\nA bubble boy?\n\nJERRY\nYes. a bubble boy.\n\nSUSANAOMI\nWhat's a bubble boy?\n\nJERRY\nHe lives in a bubble.\n\nGEORGE\nBoy!\n\nSUSANAOMI\nSo, what kind of a bubble? Like an igloo?\n\nJERRY\nNo, that's what I thought but apparently\nit's just a big piece of plastic dividing\nthe room.\n\nSUSANAOMI\nOh,\n\nGEORGE\nWhat kind of plastic do you think it\nis? What do you think like that dry\ncleaning plastic?\n\nJERRY\nThat's no good. He wouldn't last ten\nminutes in there. anyway what can I\ndo I promised I'd go visit him tomorrow.\n\nIt's his birthday. I can't go to the cabin.\n\nSUSANAOMI\nWell, where does he live?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, up state, Falls, somethin'\n\nSUSANAOMI\nWait a minute, This is right on the\nway to the cabin.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, beautiful, so you stop in.\nYa, ya visit the bubble boy for twenty\nminutes and then we can go.\n\nJERRY\nYou think we can do it?\n\nSUSANAOMI\nI know exactly where this is. You can\njust follow us.\n\nJERRY\nOh, great. Ok we'll goin' away. I think\nI'm excited.\n\nSUSANAOMI\nI'm excited. Oh, you're going to love\nthis cabin. My grandfather built it\nin 1947. It's it's incredible.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right there you go. It's a '47 cabin\nall right. So, we'll see you tomorrow.\n\nJERRY\nOK,\n\n(Kramer enters with golf bag, clubs and outfit, smoking a cigar)\n\nKRAMER\nWell,\n\nGEORGE\nand JERRY: Very nice, very nice, nice.\n\n(Susan recoils at his presence)\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I'm off to the links.\n\nGEORGE\nand JERRY: Yeah,\n\nKRAMER\nListen, I want to thank you for the\ninvite up state. I'm sorry I can't make\nit.\n\nSUSANAOMI\nThe what?\n\nGEORGE\nNothing, uh lets get going. Come on.\n\nSUSANAOMI\nDid you..\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no, we'll talk about it later.\n\nSUSANAOMI\nIs that one of the cigars my father\ngave you?\n\nIN car on highway\n\nELAINE\nhey, what's with George and Susan? Does\nhe actually like her?\n\nJERRY\nAh, I don't know if he likes her as\nmuch as he likes it.\n\nELAINE\nOh, that's nice!\n\nJERRY\nWhat's he doing? What is his hurry?\n\nELAINE\nWell you know George. It's not enough\nto get there. you gotta make good time.\n\nJERRY\nI know he once went from West 81st Street\nto Kennedy Airport in 25 minutes.\n\nI never heard the end of it....Look at him.\n\n(George's car)\n\nGEORGE\nWould you stop that please. Would you\njust stop that?\n\nSUSANAOMI\nWhy?\n\nGEORGE\n... just sit in your seat over there\nyou're distracting me. We're making\nincredible time here.\n\nI once went from west 81st Street to Kennedy Airport in uh 15\nminutes. hu uh Here hold this. It's\n\nten dollars for the tolls.\n\n(Jerry's car)\n\nJERRY\nWhat's he doing? Is he out of his mind?\nDo you see him? I don't even think I\nsee him anymore. Where is he?\n\nELAINE\nIsn't that blue car him?\n\nJERRY\nNo, no that's not him. What happened\nto him? I can't believe it. I lost him.\nThat stupid idiot.\n\nNow what are we going to do?\n\nELAINE\nIt's no big deal Jerry. We'll just meet\nhim at the bubble boy's house.\n\nJERRY\nI don't even know where the bubble boy\nlives. I don't even remember the name\nof the town.\n\nELAINE\nWa',you don't have the directions?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I was following him.\n\nELAINE\nHow could you not take the directions?\n\nJERRY\nBecause, HE'S my directions.\n\n(from George's car)\n\nSUSANAOMI\nI didn't see them George.\n\n(Jerry ranting in his car)\n\nJERRY\nwe make all these plans - he goes a\nhundred miles an hour - the whole weekend's\nover - incredible - just like that -\n\nELAINE\nPoor little bubble boy. He's sitting\nthere waiting for you in his bubble,\nor igloo thing or whatever.\n\nJERRY\nI DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I DON'T KNOW\nWHERE I AM\n\nELAINE\nJust get off at this exit. We'll figure\nsomethin' out.\n\n(from George's car)\n\nSUSANAOMI\nWe lost them. Do you KNOW THAT. WE LOST\nTHEM!\n\nGEORGE\nIt's not my fault. Seinfeld can't drive.\nHow hard is it to follow somebody?\n\nSUSANAOMI\nWell now what are you going to do?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's fine, we'll just meet him at the\nbubble boy's house.\n\nSUSANAOMI\nDoes he have the address?\n\n(Jerry's apartment - Kramer enters - picks up a piece of paper\nfrom the counter)\n\nJERRY\n(answering machine) Leave a message.\nI'll call you back. Thanks.\n\nNAOMI\n(on phone speaker) Hi, Jerry it's Naomi,\nListen, if its not too late I've changed\nmy mind, I'd like to go to the cabin\n\nKRAMER\nWait, wai, ... ... Yeah. Hello!, Hi,\nAw, this is Kramer. Yeah, I'm the next\ndoor neighbour. Aw, well you know,\n\nJerry's left, uh, But listen, yeah, see my golf game got cancelled.\nUh, I'm thinkin' of going up myself... They got\n\npies and I got the directions right here.\n\n(break)\n\n(Kramer's car)\n\nKRAMER\nSo then I drive all the way up to the\ncountry club and then I find out they\ngot a tournament goin' on. Do you mind\n\nif I smoke?\n\nNAOMI\nNo.\n\nKRAMER\nThese are Cubans. (IN FAKE SPANISH)\nMaria, poquendo los scientos de estes\ncon gleam.\n\nNAOMI\nha ha ha ha ha ha\n\n(The Sangers' house)\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know of this is the house. I\ndon't see Jerry's car anywhere.\n\n(Susan smooches him)\n\nGEORGE\nStop, would you quit it.\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe someone is going to see us here.\n\nSUSANAOMI\nSo what? You are SUCH a prude.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, I am not a prude sweetheart. I\nswing with the best of them.\n\nSUSANAOMI\nCome on lets go in.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nSUSANAOMI\nWell we should at least tell them what\nhappened. They might be very late if\nthey make it at all.\n\nGEORGE\nI can't go in there. I can't face the\nbubble boy.\n\nSUSANAOMI\nWhat's the matter?\n\nGEORGE\nI just don't react well to these situations.\nMy grandmother died two months early\nbecause of the way I reacted in the\n\nhospital. She was getting' better.\n\nAnd then I went to pay her a visit. She say my face. BOOM. That\nwas the end of it.\n\nSUSANAOMI\nWe're goin' in. Come on.\n\nGEORGE\nSusan, please... (grabs her)\n\nSUSANAOMI\nGeorge. Stop.\n\nGEORGE\nWould you wai,..\n\n(Highway diner)\n\nJERRY\n(ranting) Can't believe how a little\nthing like George going too fast - how\nmy whole weekend is gone - the plans,\n\npacking, ... everything\n\nELAINE\nYour whole weekend? What about the bubble\nboy?\n\nJERRY\nWhy do you keep bringing up the bubble\nboy. You don't have to mention the BB?\nYou don't have to mention the BB.\n\nI know about the BB. I'm aware of the BB. Why do you keep reminding\nme about the BB?\n\n(Elaine stares at him and blows a bubble with bubble gum)\n\nJERRY\nI'll have a cup of coffee and a turkey\nclub.\n\nWAITRESS\nHow about you?\n\nELAINE\nI'll just have a glass of water.\n\nJERRY\n(whispers) You can't just have water.\n\nELAINE\nWhy not? That's all I want.\n\nJERRY\nWell this is not like a park bench where\nyou just come in and sit down. It's\na business.\n\nWAITRESS\nHold it a second. Don't you play on\nTV?\n\nJERRY\nOh, no.\n\nELAINE\nYES! yes. You saw him on TV.\n\nWAITRESS\nWhat's your name?\n\nELAINE\nJerry Seinfeld.\n\nJERRY\nElaaaiinne...\n\nWAITRESS\nGarry Seinfield! I saw him on the Tonight\nShow.\n\nELAINE\nRight. Hey, wouldn't you like an autographed\npicture?\n\nWAITRESS\nOh, ha ha\n\nJERRY\nUh, I don't have anymore pictures Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nHe's lying. They're in the trunk (takes\ncar keys ) Now you get to sign another\none.\n\nJERRY\nI'm not lying.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, he is. (as she leaves)\n\nJERRY\nShe'll have a cup of copy and a broiled\nchicken.\n\n(Sanger's house)\n\nMRS. SANGER\nYou see it's not really a bubble. A\nlot of people think it's an igloo. But\nit's really just a plastic\n\ndivider.\n\nGEORGE\nand SUSANAOMI: (nod)\n\n(long pause)\n\nGEORGE\nCan you uh, go in the bubble?\n\nMRS. SANGER\nWell, you have to put so many things\non because of the germs.\n\nMEL\nThe gloves, the mask, it's a whole production.\n\nGEORGE\nSo then he makes his own bed?\n\nMRS. SANGER\nwell, that's one of the things we fight\nabout.\n\nMEL\nWould you like to meet him?\n\nGEORGE\nUh, well, you know,...\n\nMRS. SANGER\nHe loves games. Maybe you could play\nTrivial Pursuit with him.\n\nDONALD\nHEY MA WHAT THE HELL DO I GOT TO DO\nTO GET SOME FOOD AROUND HERE? I'M STARVIN'.\nAND IF IT'S PEANUT BUTTER,\n\nSHOVE IT IN YOUR FACE.\n\nMRS. SANGER\n(embarrassed) ha ha ha.\n\n(Highway Diner)\n\nhe he he One picture left in the truck.\n\nJERRY\nUh, THANKS! This is FUN! This turned\nout to be a GREAT weekend.\n\nELAINE\nWhere's my water?\n\nJERRY\nOh, it's comin'. - Here ya' go.\n\nWAITRESS\nThanks.\n\nELAINE\nWaddya' write?\n\nWAITRESS\n\"There is nothing's finer than being\nin your diner.\"\n\nE, hu hu hu hu hu \"There is nothing's finer than being in your\ndiner.\"?\n\nJERRY\nNo good?\n\nELAINE\nTHIS is what you came up with?\n\nJERRY\nWell.\n\nELAINE\nThat is so lame. Jerry, people are going\nto be reading that for the next twenty\nyears and laughing at you.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, yeah, you're right. Excuse me,\nexcuse me. would you mind. I'd like\nto take the picture back. I'm not happy\nwith what I wrote.\n\nWAITRESS\nIt's good. I like it.\n\nJERRY\nNo, believe me it's not good. I'll mail\nyou a new one with something really\nfunny written on it.\n\nWAITRESS\nWell, when you mail me a new one I'll\nsend you back this one.\n\nJERRY\nNo, look, you don't understand. I, I\nwant the picture.\n\nWAITRESS\nRIGHT! (leaves)\n\n(Donald's room)\n\nMRS. SANGER\nThis is Donald.\n\nGEORGE\nHi.\n\nSUSANAOMI\nHello.\n\nDONALD\nWHO ARE YOU? Where's Seinfeld?\n\nMRS. SANGER\nHe's on his way. These are his friends.\n\nDONALD\nWHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT? NEVER SEEN\nA KID IN A BUBBLE BEFORE?\n\nGEORGE\n'Course I have. Come on. My cousin's\nin a bubble. My friend Jeffrey's uh,\nsister, also ... you know ...bubble.\nI got a lot of bubble experience. Come\non.\n\nDONALD\nWHAT'S YOUR STORY?\n\nSUSANAOMI\nI, I have no story.\n\nGEORGE\nShe works for NBC.\n\nDONALD\nHOW 'BOUT TAKING YOUR TOP OFF?\n\nMRS. SANGER\nDonald, behave yourself.\n\nDONALD\nCOME ON.\n\nMRS. SANGER\nI know. I know. Why don't you play a\ngame of trivial Pursuit?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, you know we gotta been running\nbecause of the ...\n\nDONALD\nWHAT? ARE YOU AFRAID?\n\nGEORGE\nHumph, no, uh, it's just that ...\n\nDONALD\nI'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS.\n\n(Highway Diner)\n\nJERRY\nLook, I was nice enough to give you\nthe picture. I don't like what I wrote.\nI don't want it up there. Now please\njust give it back to me.\n\nWAITRESS\nYou are really startin' to get under\nmy skin.\n\nJERRY\nI want that picture.\n\nWAITRESS\nWell, you can't have it! In fact maybe\nyou better just pay your check and get\nout.\n\n(Elaine digging into the roast chicken)\n\nJERRY\nI'm not paying for anything until I\nget that back.\n\nWAITRESS\nWell, you ain't getting' it back.\n\nJERRY\nWell, maybe I'll just take it back.\n(Hits picture)\n\nELAINE\nThis chicken is really good.\n\n(BB's room)\n\nDONALD\nOK, HISTORY. THIS IS FOR THE GAME. HOW\nYA DOIN' OVER THERE? NOT TOO GOOD!\n\nGEORGE\nAll right BB. Let's just play... Who\ninvaded Spain in the 8th century?\n\nDONALD\nTHAT'S A JOKE. THE MOORS.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, Noooo, I'm so sorry. It's the MOOPS.\nThe correct answer is, The MOOPS.\n\nDONALD\nMOOPS? LET ME SEE THAT. THAT'S NOT MOOPS\nYOU JERK, IT'S MOORS. IT'S A MISPRINT.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm sorry the card says MOOPS.\n\nDONALD\nIT DOESN'T MATTER. I'S THE MOORS. THERE'S\nNO MOOPS.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's MOOPS.\n\nDONALD\nMOORS.\n\nGEORGE\nMOOPS,\n\nDONALD\nMOORS!\n\n(The4 cabin)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, anybody home?\n\nNAOMI\nWhat should we do?\n\nKRAMER\nHuh, hold these (boxes of) pies.\n\n(Kramer falls in through open window)\n\n(Donald's room)\n\nGEORGE\nHelp, someone. (BUBBLE BOY is strangling\nGeorge)\n\nDONALD\nTHERE'S NO MOOPS. YOU IDIOT.\n\nSUSANAOMI\nStop it. Let go of him!\n\nMRS. SANGER\nDonald, stop it! Now, let go of him\nDonald. Donald!\n\nDONALD\nI'M GOING TO KILL HIM.\n\nMRS. SANGER\nDonald, ... donald...\n\nDONALD\nMOORS. SAY MOORS!\n\nMRS. SANGER\nDonald, No. ... stop it ..\n\n(Susan bursts the bubble)\n\n(hissing sound and Donald's hands leave George's throat)\n\n(Highway Diner)\n\n(Waitress is strangling Jerry, cook is grabbing Jerry, Elaine\nis grabbing the cook)\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you doing? You're choking me.\nElaine!\n\nWAITRESS\nAre you going to pay for that?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I want the picture back.\n\n(angry guy enters)\n\nMAN #1\nSomething's happened to the BB. They're\nrushing him to the hospital.\n\nWAITRESS\nWhat? (releases Jerry)\n\nJERRY\nThe BB? He lives around here?\n\nMAN #1\nThat's his house right down the road.\n\nMAN #2\nHe got in a fight with some guy.\n\nGUY1\nWhat kind of person would hurt the BB?\n\nMAN #2\nSome little bald guy from the city.\n\nMAN #1\nVern, Page, Preston, don't you think\nwe ought to do somethin'?\n\n(Elaine and Jerry make their escape)\n\n(The cabin)\n\nKRAMER\nNaomi, come on let's get goin'.\n\nNAOMI\nBut that lake must be freezing.\n\nKRAMER\nNah, it's good for ya'. Retards the\naging process.\n\nNAOMI\nReady to go swimming?\n\nKRAMER\nLet's go. OK,\n\nNAOMI\nha ha ha ha ha\n\n(The Sanger house)\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, what happened to you?\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened to you? You were going\nlike a hundred miles an hour.\n\nGEORGE\nI was not. The BUBBLE BOY was trying\nto kill me. Susan tell him.\n\nSUSANAOMI\nIt's a long story.\n\nDONALD\nHEY SEINFELD!\n\nJERRY\nHey, Happy Birthday.\n\nELAINE\nHi.\n\nDONALD\nTHANKS FOR SHOWING UP. YOU KNOW YOUR\nFRIEND HERE TRIED TO KILL ME.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, you lying little snot. And he's\na cheater. Aren't ya' you little twerp?\n\nDONALD\nMOORS\n\nGEORGE\nMOOPS\n\nDONALD\nMOORS\n\n(The towns people arrive)\n\nMAN #1\nThere's the guy that tried to kill the\nBB. Get him.\n\nGEORGE\nGo, go, get out, ...\n\n(our heroes run for it)\n\n(Jerry's car, sirens blasting)\n\nJERRY\nFire engines?\n\n(George's car)\n\nGEORGE\nMust be a big one.\n\n(In the woods)\n\nSUSANAOMI\nDo you smell something?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, smoke.\n\nGEORGE\nyeah, (cough) Definite smoke.\n\nELAINE\nArgh, look at the fire! (cough)\n\nJERRY\nHoly cow! look at that!\n\nSUSANAOMI\nIT'S MY FATHER'S CABIN!\n\nELAINE\nThe CABIN is on fire!\n\nGEORGE\nI just realized. Ya' never gave me back\nthe change from the toll.\n\nELAINE\nHow could this have happened?\n\n(Kramer and Naomi arrive in bathing suits)\n\nKRAMER\n(singing) ... wild funky mountain man\n...\n\nNAOMI\nOy, my god, the cabin?\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you two doin' here?\n\nNAOMI\nLook at that.\n\nJERRY\nYou didn't (makes motion like lighting\na cigar)\n\nKRAMER\n(runs to burning cabin) My Cubans!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Cheever-Letters.html",
    "text": "THE CHEEVER LETTERS\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Jerry and George enter with some plastic bags)\n\nJERRY\nShe hasn't told her father yet?\n\nGEORGE\nNo. We're supposed to tell him tonight.\n\nJERRY\n\"We're\"? What do you mean, \"We're\"?\n\nGEORGE\nSusan wants me to be there.\n\nJERRY\nYou're meetin' the father for the first\ntime?\n\nGEORGE\n(Reluctantly) Yeah.\n\nJERRY\n(Chuckles slightly) Well, you'll make\nquite an impression on him when you\ntell him how you burned his cabin down.\n\nGEORGE\nI didn't burn it down - Kramer did!\n\nJERRY\n(Laughs) I mean, the whole thing is\nironic. Think of it: Here the guy is\nnice enough to give you a box of very\nfine Cuban cigars..\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, I know what happened.\n\nJERRY\nNo, but wait, wait: And then you dump\nthem off onto Kramer..\n\nGEORGE\n(Getting frustrated) I know.\n\nJERRY\n(Continuing) ..Who, who proceeds to\nburn the man's cabin down with one of\nthose very same cigars! (Topping off\nhis observation) It's very comical..\n\nGEORGE\nListen, maybe we shouldn't start writing\ntoday. I got a lot on my mind.\n\nJERRY\n(Persisting) No, no, we put this off\nlong enough. Today's the day.\n\nGEORGE\n(Letting his conscious get the best\nof him) I wonder how Susan's father's\ngoing to react to this. Alright, what-\nwhat's the worst he could do? So you\nburn\n\na cabin down..\n\nJERRY\n(Agreeing) C'mon. It's not even a house\n- it's, like, a cabin.\n\nGEORGE\nWe could build a cabin like (Snaps)\nthat.\n\nJERRY\n(Blunt) Well, maybe not us, but two\nmen could.\n\nGEORGE\n(Looking over the writing materials\nthey just bought) Bics? What, d'ja get,\nbics?\n\nJERRY\nWhat, you got a problem with the pen\nnow?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I like a rolling writer. They're\nvery smooth.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, let's just get to work. (They\nboth move into the living room - ready\nto start writing their script. Jerry\nsits down) NBC Pilot, Seinfeld project.\nAct I,\n\nScene A.\n\nGEORGE\n(Still standing) So, you're gonna sit\nthere?\n\nJERRY\n(Wanting to get started) Just - just\npark yourself. (George reluctantly sits\non the sofa) Alright. Act I, Scene A.\n\nGEORGE\n(Offering) Drink?\n\nJERRY\nNo, no thank you.\n\nGEORGE\n(Uncapping his pen) Alright, here we\ngo.\n\nJERRY\nAct I, Scene A..\n\n(A long pause as they both attempt to start writing passes)\n\nGEORGE\nWeren't you supposed to call Elaine?\n\nJERRY\n(Eagerly reaching for the phone) Yes.\n(George turns the TV on, and begins\nwatching as Jerry dials the number)\nHi, is Elaine there? Oh, uh, Hi, Sandra.\nUh,\n\nyeah. I can hold. (To George) Every time I call I gotta chit-chat\nwith her assistant for, like, twenty minutes. (Back into the\nphone) Oh, hi, Sandra. Listen, I'm at a pay\n\nphone, and there's lots of people here waiting to use it. (Yelling\nout for believability) I'll be off in a minute! (To Sandra) Yeah,\ncould you just put me through to\n\nElaine? Okay, thanks! (He turns to George) Are you thinking of\nideas? (George, picking his teeth with his finger, is absorbed\ninto the television. He seems to not\n\neven notice Jerry) Listen, Elaine, is there any way I could get\nthrough to you directly? Every time I call Sandra bends my ear\nfor, like, twenty minutes. (Pause) So\n\nwe're on for later?\n\n(Scene cuts to Elaine's office. She's waving a pencil around\nin her free hand)\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I'll come by after work. Hey,\nI got a rubber pencil thing happenin'\nhere.. (Sandra passes her doorway) Uh,\nI gotta go. I gotta go. (Hangs up)\n\nSandra! Sandra? Hi, can you come here for a second?\n\n(Scene goes back to Jerry's apartment)\n\nJERRY\nOkay, let's go. (George shuts the television\noff, ready to work)\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, here we go. You got it?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nHere we go.\n\nJERRY\nOkay, how about this: I'm in my apartment,\nyou come in.\n\nGEORGE\n(Holding out his arms - giving praise)\nIt's beautiful. Now, what do I say?\n\n(A long pause, then the scene jumps back to Elaine and Sandra)\n\nELAINE\nCould you do me a favor? Um, when my\nfriends call, could you not talk to\nthem for too long?\n\nSANDRA\nWhy? Did Jerry say something?\n\nELAINE\nNo, no.\n\nSANDRA\nHe must have said something.\n\nELAINE\nOh, no, he didn't say anything.\n\nSANDRA\n(Near tears) I can't work for you! I\ncan't. I'm leaving. (Exits quickly)\n\nELAINE\n(Calling out to Sandra) No, Sandra.\nI'm sorry, I'm sorry! I really am! Listen,\nlisten, Jerry's under a lot of pressure\nright now. It's very hard being a\n\nstand-up comedian! Sometimes they don't laugh!\n\n(Scene goes back to Jerry's apartment. Jerry and George are sleeping.\nKramer slams his apartment door shut, waking both of them up)\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, let's go.\n\nJERRY\nHere we go.\n\n(Both get situated to write as Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nGEORGE\nyeah, Kramer, we're, uh, kind of in\nthe middle of something here. We're\ntrying to do a little work..\n\nJERRY\nYeah, come on. (Kramer gives out a frustrated\nsigh) What's with you?\n\nKRAMER\n(Complaining) No more golf.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you remember I told you about\nthe pro, you know, at the Westchester\nCountry Club, who's letting me play\na round every time I give him a couple\n\nof those Cuban cigars?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\n(Angered) Yeah, well, I lost them all\nin the fire! (Leaning over the couch,\nhe addresses George) Hey, George, maybe\nyou can ask Susan's father for\n\nmore, huh?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you, Crazy? I can't ask the\nguy for more cigars after you burned\ndown his cabin!\n\nKRAMER\nWhy? What's one thing got to do with\nanother?\n\nGEORGE\nKramer, please.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I can't go back to the public\ncourses, now. I can't! I won't. I mean,\nyou know what that's like? It's crowded,\nthe grass has big brown patches in it,\n\nthey don't rake the sand traps! Not to mention the caliber of\npeople you have to play with!\n\nGEORGE\nKramer, I can't help you. You're gonna\nhave to get them some place else.\n\nKRAMER\n(Opening the door) Where? They're Cubans.\n(Leaves)\n\nGEORGE\n(Getting up) You know what? Maybe I\nshould take off.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?!\n\nGEORGE\nWell, you know, I gotta go to, uh, Susan's\nparent's house for dinner.. and, you\nknow, I want to shower first.. and I\nwant to leave myself plenty of time.\n\nJERRY\n(Looking at his watch) You got four\nhours! What about the script?\n\nGEORGE\nI think we got a bite on it. (Exits)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(The Ross' house)\n\n(Susan, her parents, and George are all dining)\n\nMRS. ROSS\n(To Mr. Ross) Doesn't George look like\nyour sister, Sarah?\n\nMR. ROSS\n(Gruff) A slight resemblance.\n\n(George laughs slightly)\n\nMRS. ROSS\n(To George) Her son's a podiatrist,\nyou know.\n\nGEORGE\nOhh, I have tremendous respect for people\nwho work with feet. I mean, to dedicate\nyourself to the foot - you're toiling\nin virtual anonymity. I mean..\n\n(Seeing the Ross' expression, he trails off)\n\nMR. ROSS\nHow are you enjoying those cigars I\ngave you?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, uh, the cigars.. (Chuckles nervously)\nI'm, uh, suckin' 'em down. I'm puffing\nmy brains out, yeah.\n\nMR. ROSS\nYou know those cigars are made special\nfor Castro?\n\nGEORGE\n(Impersonating Carson) I didn't not\nknow that. Weird. Wild. (Susan and George\nboth laugh)\n\nMR. ROSS\nWhat?\n\nSUSAN\n(Explaining) He's doing Johnny Carson,\ndaddy.\n\nMR. ROSS\nI didn't care much for his jokes.\n\nSUSAN\n(To George) Daddy never laughs.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, well, so what? Laughter - what is\nthat? I mean, what is the point of opening\nyour mouth and going \"Ha, ha!\"? What\nis that? \"Ha, ha!\"?\n\nMR. ROSS\nYou know, you can't get those cigars\nanywhere.\n\nMRS. ROSS\nYou and your cigars..\n\nMR. ROSS\n(Shooting back at his wife) Wear some\nmore lipstick.\n\nSUSAN\nDaddy, there's, um, there's something\nthat we have to talk to you about..\n\nMR. ROSS\nOh, I forgot to ask you - how'd you\nlike the cabin?\n\nGEORGE\n(Even more nervous than before) Oh,\nthe, uh, the cabin.. well, (Clears throat)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Jerry and Elaine are talking. Jerry's using a harsh tone)\n\nJERRY\nRight after we get off the phone, then\nyou go and tell her that?! Well, of\ncourse she knows it was me who complained!\nNow I'm responsible for this\n\nwoman's quitting. Oh, this is unbelievable!\n\nELAINE\n(Full of guilt) I know! I screwed up.\nIt's all my fault. Would you call her?\n\nJERRY\n(Caving in) Ohh.. dial the number. (Elaine\npicks up the phone, and starts to dial)\nHow could you do this?\n\nELAINE\n(Handing the phone over to him) I was\njust trying to help you.\n\nJERRY\n(Muttering) Oh, just trying to (Rudely\ngrabs the phone from her) help me..\n(Into the phone) Hello? Sandra? Hi,\nuh, this is Jerry Seinfeld. (Elaine\nnow has her\n\nhand in a bowl of popcorn - grabbing a fistful) Listen, I - I\njust want to tell you, (Jerry sternly grabs Elaine's hand - forcing\nher to drop the popcorn, then shoves her\n\nand she thought I was being sarcastic, you know, 'cause I'm a\ncomedian and all. She thought I meant (Deeply sarcastic) \"Yeah,\nit was a real treat talking to her on\n\nthe phone.\" (Back to normal) You know, but I was really being\nsincere.. No, of course I like you.. Tonight? ..Um, uh, hold\non a second. (To Elaine, whispering)\n\nNow she wants to have a drink with me. (Elaine mouths out \"Just\ngo\" while making gestures. Jerry, again, gives in. Back on the\nphone) Yeah, I think I can.. Um..\n\nyeah, I know where that is.. Ok.. uh, I'll see you there. Okay,\nbye. (Hangs up, peeved) Now I gotta have a drink with her.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(The Ross' house)\n\n(Same diner party is going on. News of the cabin has yet to be\ndiscussed)\n\nGEORGE\nThe cabin.. (Laughs nervously) Well..\n(Pauses as he thinks of a way to break\nthe news, then decides to pass it off)\nSusan?\n\nSUSAN\nUhh.. about the cabin..\n\nMR. ROSS\n(Cutting her off) I love that place.\nMy father built that cabin in 1947.\nMy mother was recuperating from Impetigo\nat the time, and dad thought it would\n\nbe a good idea to get her out into the fresh air. She died there\nthe following winter. And he passed away 10 years later to the\nday. His last words to me were, (Mrs.\n\nRoss, bored out of her mind, has obviously heard this story a\nmillion times - she mouths the words as Mr. Ross says them) \"Cherish\nthe cabin.\" Not, uh, \"Take care\n\nof your sister.\" (Adding) She's a paraplegic. But, \"Cherish the\ncabin.\" (Smiling, reflecting) And I have.. for 45 years. It's\noften been a.. sanctuary for me.\n\nGEORGE\n(Annoyingly butting in) Kinda like Superman's\nfortress of solitude.\n\nMR. ROSS\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nS, uh, Superman - he, uh, built the\nfortress of solitude up at the North\nPole, to, uh, you know, sort of get\naway from it all..\n\nMR. ROSS\nWhen I go, I'm passing it on to her.\n(Pointing at Susan)\n\nMRS. ROSS\n(Drunk, she laughs out loud) I'll take\na hotel any day.\n\nSUSAN\nDaddy..\n\nMR. ROSS\nYes?\n\nSUSAN\nDaddy, about the cabin..\n\nMRS. ROSS\n(Laughing, she points to her shirt)\nLook, Henry, I spilled wine on me! (Laughs\nagain)\n\nMR. ROSS\n(To Susan) What about it?\n\nSUSAN\nWell, the thing is..\n\nMR. ROSS\nWhat? What is it?\n\nSUSAN\nWell, the - the cabin, is, kind of,\nuh.. George?\n\nGEORGE\n(Extremely blunt) Burned.\n\nMR. ROSS\nBurned?\n\nSUSAN\nThere was a fire, and it uh..\n\nGEORGE\nBurned.\n\nMR. ROSS\n(Still trying to comprehend what has\nhappened) The cabin burned?\n\nGEORGE\n(Laughs) yeah, burned. Whoo..\n\nMRS. ROSS\n(Laughing out loud) Burned! (George\nlaughs with her)\n\nMR. ROSS\nWas anything found? Was it all burned\nto the ground?! Did they find anything?\n\nSUSAN\n(Solemn) No. Nothing.\n\nMRS. ROSS\n(Laughing, she's obviously getting a\nkick out of her husband's misfortune)\nNothing! Ha, ha, ha.\n\n(Mr. Ross, devastated, slowly gets up and starts walking toward\nthe room's exit as everyone continues to talk)\n\nGEORGE\nEh, but, you know, Mr. Ross, if - if\nyou look at the whole situating, what\nwith it being your cigars, and everything,\nit's really rather ironic - one might\neven\n\nsay, in a sense, comical.. (Mr. Ross has, by now, left the room.\nMrs. Ross is pointing at George, nodding, laughing. As if to\nsay he hit the bullseye. George calls out\n\nto Mr. Ross) Really. Think about it.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Sandra runs out of Jerry's room, hastily putting on her jacket.\nJerry follow, buttoning his shirt)\n\nSANDRA\n(Offended) I can't believe you said\nthat!\n\nJERRY\nWhat?!\n\nSANDRA\n(Buttoning her jacket) How could you\nsay something like that to me?!\n\nJERRY\nWhat? What?! You were the one who was\ntalking dirty. I was just trying to\nkeep up!\n\nSANDRA\nThat was a weird thing to say.\n\nJERRY\nWhy? It didn't mean anything. I was\njust trying to join in so you wouldn't\nfeel embarrassed.\n\nSANDRA\nOhh, I think you're really sick.\n\nJERRY\n(Getting slightly offended) I'm not\nsick. (Pointing at her) You - you said\nmuch sicker things than me.\n\nSANDRA\nI'm leaving. (Moves toward the door.\nJerry blocks her path)\n\nJERRY\nI really think you're making too much\nof this.\n\nSANDRA\n(Attempting to get past him) Excuse\nme. (They both move to the door)\n\nJERRY\nLet me walk you to a cab.\n\nSANDRA\n(Opens the door) That's ok.\n\nJERRY\nI mean, the main thing is that this\nis just between us, and that'll be the\nend of it.\n\nSANDRA\nOh, really? (Quickly walks out)\n\nJERRY\n(Calling after her) I mean, people -\nthey're not interested in things like\nthis. They don't want to hear about\nit. They really don't.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(The Coffee shop)\n\n(Jerry's telling George about last night)\n\nJERRY\nSo, we're.. uhh, drinkin' and talkin',\nand uhh, so, she starts rubbing my leg.\n\nGEORGE\nWo-hoah! What did you do?\n\nJERRY\n(Sarcastic) Have you ever told a woman\nto stop touching your leg?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, right.\n\nJERRY\nI mean, I know it's the wrong thing\nto do. She works in Elaine's office.\nI know it's wrong - but I can't get\nthat hand off my leg. I mean, I'm looking\nat the\n\nhand, and I'm thinking, \"That hand should not be on my leg.\"\nBut I can't make my brain to get my mouth to say the words, \"Would\nyou mind?!\"\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, woman have no problem getting\nthe hand off. How do they do that?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, they're working on a whole\nother level..\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, so, go ahead.\n\nJERRY\nSo we go back to my apartment..\n\nGEORGE\n(Expressing shock) Woah. Whoa! Woah!\n\nJERRY\nSo, we're, uh, foolin' around there..\nyou know, it's getting a little passionate..\n(Scoots closer to George, to prevent\nothers from hearing) and, uh, she starts\n\nwith the dirty talking.\n\nGEORGE\n(Putting his hands up) Alright, alright,\nhold on! (Jerry has George's full attention)\nTime out! Woah, woah! (Scooting in,\ngiddy) What did she say?\n\nJERRY\n(Modest) Oh, you know, the usual..\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I don't know. How do I know the\nusual?\n\nJERRY\nTypical things.\n\nGEORGE\n(Picking up the ketchup) What typical?\nGimme typical. Gimme some typical.\n\nJERRY\nShe says, uh.. (Mumbles something inaudible.\nGeorge, so shocked by what he's just\nheard, accidentally squeezes the ketchup\nbottle - ketchup squirts out\n\nand files off-screen. George reacts deeply)\n\nGEORGE\n(Breathing deeply) That's very dirty.\n(Jerry nods) That's absolutely filthy.\n\nJERRY\n..And then she starts talking about\nher panties.\n\nGEORGE\n(Yelling out to a waitress) Gonna need\nsome water here!\n\nJERRY\nSo I said something.\n\nGEORGE\nOk, what did you say?\n\nJERRY\n(Defensively) Now, bear in mind, I am\njust trying to keep up.\n\nGEORGE\nOf course.\n\nJERRY\nOkay? So, she's taking about her panties,\nso, uh.. So, I said, \"You mean the panties\nyour mother laid out for you?\"\n\nGEORGE\n(Takes a few seconds to mull this one\nover. Shooting Jerry a confused look,\nhe repeats it) \"The panties your mother\nlaid out for you\"? (Jerry nods) What\n\ndoes that mean?\n\nJERRY\n(Throwing up his hands) I don't know!\nIt just popped out.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, how did she react?\n\nJERRY\nShe flipped out! Just left.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, that's not offensive. (Reflects)\nIt's abnormal, but it's not offensive.\n\nJERRY\nLook, the main thing is I don't want\nElaine to know about any of this. I\nmean, especially the panty remark. I\nmean, it's embarrassing. And she's never\nlet me\n\nhear the end of it.\n\nGEORGE; Well, what if this girl says something?\n\nJERRY\nShe will tell her. She's going back\nto work. I talked her into it - how\nstupid was that? (Changing subject as\nthey both collect money to pay for the\ncheck)\n\nHey, so, Susan's father took that news pretty hard, huh?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, yeah. He went into the bedroom\nand started sobbing.\n\nJERRY\nI guess he failed to see the humor in\nit.\n\nGEORGE\nHuh. (Makes a \"over his head\" gesture\nwith his arm) C'mon, let's go, go. We\ngot a lot of work to do today.\n\nJERRY\n(Getting up) Alright, big work day.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's right.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Jerry and George, with their writing materials, go to sit down\nin the living room while giving each other pep talks)\n\nGEORGE\nOkay.\n\nJERRY\nLet's go.\n\nGEORGE\nHere we are.\n\nJERRY\nRight now.\n\nGEORGE\nLet's do it.\n\nJERRY\nYou and me.\n\nGEORGE\nOkay.\n\nJERRY\nAlright.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat'dya got?\n\nJERRY\n(Reading from his notebook) I got: You\nenter, you go \"Hi\", and I go, \"Hello.\"\nNow.. we need something here..\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nOh, hey.\n\n(Both George and Jerry get up, giving Kramer an excited greeting\n- talking fast, together) Oh, you guys are working? I'll come\nback. (Turns to leave. Jerry and\n\nGeorge strongly protest with a series of \"No, no, no!\"'s) No,\nyou guys should get back to work. (More protests)\n\nGEORGE\nDon't be silly.\n\nJERRY\nCome in, we're taking a break.\n\nKRAMER\n(Moving back into the room) Oh, yeah?\n\nJERRY\nYeah!\n\nKRAMER\nUh, George, did you talk to that guy\nabout getting me some more cigars?\n\nGEORGE\n(Scoffs) No, I told you, I'm not gonna\ndo that.\n\nKRAMER\n(Concluding) Okay.. well, I guess I'm\njust going to have to take matters into\nmy own hands, huh? (Pause) Alright,\nI'll see you guys. (Leaves, despite\n\n\"No, don't go!\" and other various comments by Jerry and George)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(United Nations' Permanent Mission of Cuba building)\n\n(Kramer walks up to a secretary)\n\nKRAMER\nBuenos dias.\n\nSECRETARY\nBuenos dias.\n\nKRAMER\nUh, habla ingles?\n\nSECRETARY\nSi.\n\nKRAMER\nGiddy-up. Ok, uh, (Looks at a woman\nwearing dark sunglasses and sitting\non a sofa behind him. He reacts oddly)\nUm. I need to talk to someone.\n\nSECRETARY\nWhat is this about?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, well, It's a very private matter,\nbut it's extremely urgent.\n\nSECRETARY\nAre you an American?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah.\n\nSECRETARY\nI see.. excuse me. (Picks up the phone)\n\nKRAMER\nOkay.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Jerry, curled up on his living room chair, and George, laid\nout on the sofa, are asleep. Jerry's buzzer goes off, waking\nthem up. George rolls off the couch and falls\n\nto the floor)\n\nJERRY\n(Stirring, he gets up to answer the\nbuzzer) Alright, let's get going. C'mon,\nc'mon now. (Approaches the intercom)\nC'mon, let's get it together.. (Through\n\nintercom) Yeah?\n\nELAINE\nIt's Elaine.\n\nJERRY\nC'mon up. (Slightly opens the door for\nElaine)\n\nGEORGE\n(Standing up, still waking up) Alright,\nyou know what we should do? We should\ngo to the movies. Get away from this\nscript for a while..\n\nJERRY\n(Agreeing) Yeah, we should.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, I just have to go over to the\nRoss' apartment and drop off Susan's\nsunglasses. You'll come with me?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Wha - what, does she live with\nthem?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no, no, no.\n\nJERRY\nOh.\n\n(Elaine enters)\n\nELAINE\nHey, nice going, Jerome Seinfeld!\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nI just got a message from Sandra, she's\ncoming back to work.\n\nJERRY\nWell, then, you've just got to fire\nher! Don't even think about it - there's\nno two ways about it.\n\nELAINE\nWhy? What happened? Did you talk?\n\nJERRY\nTalk? Did I talk? It - you're darn right\nI talk to her! We talked up a storm\n- and I concluded from the basis of\nthese talks that this isn't anybody\nyou should\n\nbe talking to.\n\nELAINE\nReally?\n\nJERRY\nYes.\n\nELAINE\nReally? You really think I should fire\nher?\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah. Yeah, in fact, if George and\nI weren't so busy here working on the\nscript, I'd do it myself.\n\n(George, sitting out the couch, dozes off to sleep)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(United Nations' Permanent Mission of Cuba building)\n\n(A group of men in suits walk out into the lobby to deal with\nKramer)\n\nMAN\n(To secretary) Expira te afuera.\n\nKRAMER\n(Standing up, greeting the men) Buenos\ndias.\n\nMAN\nWhat is your name, Senor?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, Kramer.\n\nMAN\nSo, Senor Kramer, what is this about?\n\nKRAMER\n(Leaning in, confidentially) Cigars.\n\nMAN\n(Confused) Cigars?\n\nKRAMER\n(Definite) Cigars.\n\nMAN\nWhat about cigars?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, see here, I.. (Pulls out a paper\nring from his pocket) I saved one of\nthe cigar rings..\n\nMAN\nOhh.. (Laughs, pulling a cigar from\nhis inner coat pocket) You mean - one\nof these..\n\nKRAMER\n(Pointing at the cigar, incredibly nervous)\nYeah, yeah. That- that's, uh, okay,\nSo, uh, I'd like to buy a couple of\nboxes of those from you, yeah?\n\nMAN\n(Deeply sniffs the cigar's aroma) You\ndo realize, of course, these are illegal\nin your country.\n\nKRAMER\nUm, wha - oh, illegal, huh?\n\n(The man is staring at Kramer's clothes, mesmerized. He reaches\nout to touch Kramer's legendary jacket)\n\nMAN\nI like that jacket..\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(The Ross' apartment)\n\n(There's a knock at the door. Susan answers it - it's Jerry and\nGeorge)\n\nSUSAN\nHi!\n\nGEORGE\nHi, how are ya? (They kiss)\n\nSUSAN\nHey, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHi.\n\nSUSAN\nI thought you two guys were working\ntoday.\n\nJERRY\nAh, just - takin' a little break.\n\nGEORGE\n(Chuckling) yeah. Uh, oh, here's your\nsunglasses. (Hands them to her)\n\nSUSAN\nOk, thanks. Come on in for a second.\n(They move into the living room. Susan\ngestures to a man sitting on the couch\nreading the paper) This is my brother,\n\nRicky. He's home from college for the weekend.\n\nGEORGE\nOhh, hey there, young fella. (They shake\nhands) What's your major?\n\nRICKY\n(Blunt) I don't have one.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, you should always consider podiatry.\n(Patting Ricky on the shoulder) There's\nnothing wrong with the feet. (Ricky\nlooks critically back at George)\n\nSUSAN\n(Now gestures to an old woman in a wheelchair)\nAnd this is my Aunt, Sara.\n\nSARA\n(Staring at George) He doesn't look\nlike me.\n\nMRS. ROSS\nSara, what do you have on your wheels?\n\nSARA\nNothing, they're clean.\n\nMRS. ROSS\nRicky, did you wipe her wheels off?\n\nRICKY\n(Annoyed) Yes.\n\nMRS. ROSS\n(Concluding) Well, they're filthy. It's\njust a matter of common courtesy.. (Wheels\nSara over to a spot off the rug) When\nyou come in the house you\n\nwipe your wheels.\n\n(Doorbell rings)\n\nSUSAN\nExcuse me. (Answer the door. It's her\ndoorman, Raymond, carrying a burnt box)\nHello, Raymond.\n\nRAYMOND\nAh, yes, the man from the insurance\ncompany dropped this off this morning.\nHe said it was the only thing left from\nthe remains of the fire.\n\nSUSAN\n(Accepts the box) Oh, thank you. (As\nthe doorman leaves, she turns to Jerry\nand George) Wow, I've never seen this\nbefore.. (Opens the charred box)\n\nOh, they're letters. (Hands the box to George) Here.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, sure. (Holds the box out as Susan\ntakes out a few letters)\n\nSUSAN\nFrom.. (Trying to read one) from John\nCheever.\n\nJERRY AND GEORGE\nOh, wow.\n\nSUSAN\n(Chuckles as she opens up one of the\nletters. She reads it) \"Dear Henry,\nlast night with you was bliss. I fear\nmy.. orgasm (She now has everyone's\n\nattention) has left me a cripple. I don't how how I shall ever\nget back to work.. (Jerry and George make odd faces as Susan\nis still concentrating on the notes) I love\n\nyou madly, John. (Pause) P.S. Loved the cabin.\" (George nods,\nand Jerry gives a \"Oh, of course\" reaction)\n\n(A long pause)\n\nGEORGE\nWell, we.. we, we, ah..\n\nJERRY\n(Looking at his watch ) Yeah..\n\nGEORGE\nWe really should be, uh, heading out..\n\nJERRY\nYeah. (Tapping his watch) Look at the\ntime.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, the time..\n\n(Susan's father is now standing in the hallway)\n\nMR. ROSS\nThe box! (Rushes toward George, grabbing\nthe box away from him, then the letters\nfrom Susan's hands) My letters! Gimme\nthat! (Now holding them\n\nagainst his chest, defensively) Who told you to open this?!\n\nMRS. ROSS\n(Hysterical) Who's John?! Who's John?!\n\nSARA\n(Yelling out) I knew it!\n\nMRS. ROSS\nI want to know who John is!\n\nRICKEY\nJohn Cheever?! Dad, you and John Cheever?!\n\nMR. ROSS\n(Proclaiming) Yes! Yes, he was the most\nwonderful person I've ever known. And\nI love him deeply! In a way you could\nnever understand.. (Slowly\n\nwalks back to his room, leaving everyone speechless. Susan seems\nto be affected the most. A long pause passes. Jerry gives George\na signal that they should go)\n\nGEORGE\nWell, we really should be-\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nUh, heading out. Jerry really hates\nto miss the coming attractions.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, and, (Pointing to his watch) because\nof the.. (Slowly exiting) time.\n\nGEORGE\nyeah, time is what he's indicating there..\n\nJERRY\n(Waving good bye) We'll see ya.\n\nGEORGE\nUh, anyway, (Waving bye to everyone)\nonward and upward.\n\n(Jerry grabs George, leaving)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Jerry and George, once again, are sitting down in the living\nroom, attempting to write)\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, here we go.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, let's go.\n\nGEORGE\nCome on now.\n\nJERRY\nRight now.\n\nGEORGE\nHere we go.\n\nJERRY\nYou and me.\n\nGEORGE\nYou got it.\n\nJERRY\nNo foolin'\n\nGEORGE\nOk, so, what'dya got?\n\nJERRY\n(Looking at his notebook) Alright, I\ngot, uh, you come in, you say \"Hi\",\nand I say \"Hello\".\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, so, we need something..\n\nJERRY\nYeah.. how about this: I say \"How's\nit goin'?\"\n\nGEORGE\n\"How's it going?\" - beautiful.\n\n(They both start to write it down as a pounding on the door sounds)\nOh, come on, we were just on a roll now..\n\nJERRY\n(Getting up to answer the door) Alright,\ndid you get that line?\n\nGEORGE\n(Nodding, writing) \"How's it going?\"\n\nJERRY\nDid you write it down?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm writin' it. \"How's it going?\"\n\nJERRY\nOkay.. (Opens the door to a frantic\nElaine)\n\nELAINE\nReal good!\n\nJERRY\nWhat?!\n\nELAINE\nDo you know how much money you cost\nme today?! 429 dollars!\n\nJERRY\nWhat?! How?\n\nELAINE\nI got Sandra transferred to another\noffice upstairs, okay?! So, she blabs\nto Lippman about my long distance calls\nto Europe!\n\nJERRY\nWhat calls?!\n\nELAINE\nUh! I made a friend when I was in Europe,\nokay?! And we've been in touch, and\nSandra told Lippman!\n\nJERRY\nOh, did - did she say anything else\nto you?\n\nELAINE\n(Confused) \"Anything else\"? What do\nyou mean \"anything else\"?\n\nJERRY\nSo she just left the office - didn't\nsay a word to you about anything?\n\nELAINE\nYeah!\n\nJERRY\n(Smiling to himself) Beautiful.\n\nELAINE\nWhy is that beautiful?\n\nJERRY\nOh, no, not beautiful.\n\nELAINE\nIt's four hundred and twenty nine dollars!\n\nJERRY\nHey, look, I'm going to pay for that.\n\nELAINE\nNo, no.\n\nJERRY\n(Taking out his checkbook) No, I insist.\nI was the one who encouraged you to\nfire her - the whole thing was all my-\n\nELAINE\n(Giving up too easy) Okay.\n\nJERRY\n(Pauses, noting Elaine's quick accept)\nfault. (Starts to write a check out,\nthen stops, looking at the door) Do\nyou smell smoke?\n\n(Elaine opens the door to find Kramer and the 3 Cubans dressed\nup in golf wear, smoking cigars)\n\nKRAMER\nOh, hey! Hey, Jer, I want you to meet\nmy new friends, here. (Introducing each\none) This is, uh, Louis, Jorge, and\nUmberto.\n\nJERRY\nOh, how you doing? Nice to meet you.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, we're heading up to Westchester\n- gonna hit the links.\n\nJERRY\nOh. (Notices Louis' jacket) Isn't that,\nuh, your..\n\nKRAMER\n(Trying to avoid the issue) Oh, yeah,\nyeah, Okay, we're going. (To his three\nfriends) Vamanos, muchachos!\n\n(They exit)\n\nELAINE\n(Turns to George, he is now reading\na book) Hey, what are you reading?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, uh, \"The Falconer\" by John Cheever.\nIt's really excellent.\n\nELAINE\n(To Jerry) John Cheever, you ever read\nany of his stuff?\n\nJERRY\nUh, yeah, I'm familiar with some of\nhis writing. (George shoots Jerry a\nsmirk, then returns to his book) Alright,\n(Hand the check to Elaine) look, we\ngotta\n\nget back to work. We just had a big breakthrough here.\n\nELAINE\n(Folding up the check) Ok, I'll leave\nyou two alone.\n\nJERRY\n(Moving back into the living room) Okay.\n\nELAINE\n(In the door way) Maybe I'll go visit\nmy mother. She just bought me some new\npanties (Jerry pauses right before sitting\nin his chair) and they're - all laid\n\nout for me. (Leaves, smiling to herself. Jerry and George both\nlook at each other, frozen in their places)\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Opera.html",
    "text": "THE OPERA\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry Charles\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nThe idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that\nmen are all the\n\nsame, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding\nis like\n\nthe joining together of a beautiful glowing bride, and some guy.\nThe tuxedo\n\nis a wedding safety device created by women because they know\nthat men are\n\nundependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just\ntakes one\n\nstep over and she marries the next guy. That's why the wedding\nvow isn't 'do\n\nyou take Bill Simpson', its 'do you take this man'.\n\nINSIDE JOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT\n\nJERRY\n(answering machine) leave a message\nand I'll call you back, thanks.\n\nJOE DIVOLA\nJerry, Joe Divola. *Pbt* *Pbt* *Pbt*\nI have a hair on my\n\ntongue, I can't get it off, you know how much I hate that? Course\nyou do,\n\nyou put it there. I know what you said about me Seinfeld. I know\nyou\n\nbadmouthed me to the execs at NBC, put the kibosh on my deal.\nNow I'm gonna\n\nput the kibosh on you. You know I've kiboshed before, and I will\nkibosh\n\nagain.\n\nJERRY'S APARTMENT.\n\nJERRY ENTERS\n\nKRAMER ENTERS\n\nKRAMER\nSo, what do you think?\n\nJERRY\nAbout what?\n\nKRAMER\nAbout the opera.\n\nJERRY\nNah, I don't wanna go.\n\nKRAMER\nYou gotta go.\n\nJERRY\nI-I-I don't like the opera. What are\nthey singing for? Who sings?\n\nYou got something to say, say it!\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, you don't understand, that's\nthe way they talk in Italy,\n\nthey sing to one another. Kramer starts to sing in bad Italian.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, all right.\n\nKRAMER\nThat's the way it was, you know. You\nlisten to the language, its\n\ngot that sing songy quality. It's the language Jerry, the language\n\nJERRY\nSo why don't they talk like that now?\n\nKRAMER\nWell its, uh, well its too hard to keep\nup, you know, they were\n\ntired.\n\nBUZZER\n\nKRAMER\nBetter get that\n\nJERRY\nYeah?\n\nELAINE\n(intercom) it's me!\n\nJERRY\nCome on up.\n\nKRAMER\nSo, huh?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know\n\nKRAMER\nOh come on Jerry, its opening night,\nblack tie, Pagliacci! The\n\ngreat clown, the great sad tragic clown, like you.\n\nJERRY\nWell it's very flattering. How did you\nget these tickets, I heard\n\nthey're impossible to get.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, well I have many associates.\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, opera, it's not my kind\nof thing.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, you not gonna go I'm not\ngonna go, I'm gonna call the\n\nwhole thing off.\n\nJERRY\nNo, wait a minute, wait a minute, that's\nnot fair, what about\n\nGeorge, Susan and Elaine, what do you need me for?\n\nKRAMER\nYou're the nucleus, the straw that stirs\nthe drink. You're the\n\nMiana!\n\nJERRY\nWell I guess if I'm the Miana I should\ngo. All right, all right.\n\nELAINE ENTERS\n\nELAINE\nHi!\n\nJERRY\nHi!\n\nKRAMER\nHey! Hi Elaine!\n\nELAINE\nYou got the tickets right?\n\nKRAMER\nWell no, I don't have them on me.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? That's why I came all the way\nover here.\n\nKRAMER\nMy friends got 'em, I'm going to pick\nthem up tomorrow.\n\nELAINE\nOh, I was gonna surprise Joey with them,\nyou got an extra one\n\nright?\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah!\n\nJERRY\nSo I finally get to meet your pal Joey.\n\nELAINE\nIts killing you isn't it?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, so Joey's a great lover of the\nopera\n\nELAINE\nListen, I got news for ya, its nice\nto be involved with somebody\n\nwho's interested in something other than nick at night. Now he's\ngot a grip\n\non reality, he's happy, he's well adjusted.\n\nJOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT\n\nOpera music playing (Paliachi?)\n\nDivola is crying while lifting weights. Photos of Elaine are\nscattered on\n\nthe floor.\n\nJERRY'S APARTMENT\n\nJERRY\nWell I'm looking forward to meeting\nhim.\n\nELAINE\nI've got to go\n\nJERRY\nWhere are you going, what's the rush?\n\nELAINE\nI'm going to surprise Joey, I've never\nbeen to his apartment so I'm\n\njust going to 'pop in'\n\nJERRY\nOh, good, men love that!\n\nKramer is reading Jerry's mail under the lamp.\n\nJERRY\nHey!\n\nKRAMER\nYou've got a message buddy.\n\nJERRY\nOoo, could be from that blonde\n\nKRAMER\nOo yiggity diggigg\n\nJOE DIVOLA\n(answering machine message)'Jerry, Joe\nDivola. I have a hair on\n\nmy tongue'\n\nJOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT\n\nDIVOLA HAS HIS HAND OVER A CANDLE AND IS LAUGHING\n\nJERRY'S APARTMENT\n\nJERRY\n(shouting) Kramer what am I going to\ndo did you hear that that guy's\n\ngonna put a kibosh on me he's crazy he's out of his mind....\n\nKRAMER\nSteady, steady, now calm yourself, come\non, now get a hold of\n\nyourself,\n\nJERRY\nWhat the hell he's supposed to be on\nmedication I don't understand\n\nhe told me he's getting medication what happened to his medication!?\n\nKRAMER\nOK Quiet! Quiet! Now let me think!\n\nJERRY\nI'm gonna call the cops. That's what\nI'm doing, I'm calling the\n\ncops.\n\nKRAMER\nThe cops? What are you calling the cops\nfor? They're not going to\n\ndo anything!\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you mean they're not going to\ndo anything, they're the cops,\n\nthey gotta do something, he just put the kibosh on me, do you\nknow what the\n\nkibosh means, its a kibosh!\n\nKRAMER\nYiddigtkk ka kibosh.\n\nJERRY\nI mean it's a terrible mistake, I mean\nhe thinks I ruined some deal\n\nof his at NBC, I don't know anything about any deal at NBC.\n\nKRAMER\nCall him and tell him\n\nJERRY\nThat's what I'll do, I'll just call\nhim and tell him, I'll tell him.\n\nThat's all I'll do. He's a human being, I'll talk to him. He'll\nunderstand.\n\nRight?\n\nKRAMER\nRight.... Don't mention my name\n\nJERRY\nOh, I got the machine.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat's his message like?\n\nJERRY\nNice!\n\nKRAMER\nEh!\n\nJERRY\n(into phone) Hello Joe, listen this\nis Jerry Seinfeld, I really think\n\nthere's been a huge colossal misunderstanding,\n\nKRAMER\nBig! Big!\n\nJERRY\nand I feel if we can just talk about\nthis we can straighten the\n\nwhole thing out, so listen, so call me back. Bye.\n\nJOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT\n\nThe door is open. Elaine knocks and then enters.\n\nELAINE\nJoey? Joey?\n\nShe sees a wall covered in photos of her.\n\nJoe Divola enters and shuts the front door.\n\nELAINE\nOh god, oh, its you! You scared me!\n\nJOE DIVOLA\nGood. Fear is our most primal emotion.\n\nELAINE\nYou left your door open.\n\nJOE DIVOLA\nI know, I like to encourage intruders.\n\nELAINE\n(laughs) What's all this?\n\nJOE DIVOLA\nDo you like it? My home is a shrine\nto you.\n\nELAINE\nWhere did you get all these pictures?\n\nJOE DIVOLA\nI took them myself with a telephoto\nlens. Coming out of your\n\noffice, your apartment, shopping, showering.\n\nELAINE\nShowering?\n\nJOE DIVOLA\nI developed them myself in my dark room.\nWould you like to see?\n\nELAINE\nIn the dark room? Uh no, no thank you.\nNot right now. I'm a day\n\nperson!... Are you all right?\n\nJOE DIVOLA\nWhy\n\nELAINE\nWell I don't know, you just don't seem\nyourself?\n\nJOE DIVOLA\nWho am I? Who am I supposed to be?\n\nELAINE\nThat's a good question, good question,\nits very... exerstential!\n\nWho are you? Who am I? Yeah, well.\n\nJOE DIVOLA\nWhat are you doing here?\n\nELAINE\nOh, nothing, I just stopped by to chat,\nyou know, shoot the breeze.\n\nJOE DIVOLA\nWere you able to get those opera tickets\nto Pagliacci from that\n\nfriend of yours? I'm really looking forward to it.\n\nELAINE\nOh, no, he couldn't get them. We're\nnot going.\n\nJOE DIVOLA\nReally?\n\nELAINE\nOh, dammit, you know I just remembered\nI gotta go, I left something\n\non, the gas, the lights, the water in the tub. Something is on\nsomewhere so\n\nI'm just gonna get the uh..\n\nDivola is blocking the door with his head.\n\nJOE DIVOLA\nYou know the story of Pagliacci, Nedda?\n\nELAINE\nUh.. I'm Elaine!\n\nJOE DIVOLA\nHe's a clown whose wife is unfaithful\nto him.\n\nELAINE\nOh.\n\nJOE DIVOLA\nDo you think I'm a clown, Nedda?\n\nELAINE\nDo I think you're a clown? No, not if\nit's bad to be a clown, if\n\nit's bad to be a clown then you are definitely not a clown. But\nif its good\n\nto be a clown then, you know, I would have to rethink the whole\nthing.\n\nJOE DIVOLA\nYou've betrayed me with another, haven't\nyou, Nedda? Who is he.\n\nI want you to tell me who he is. I want his name. Tell me his\nname.\n\nELAINE\nOh, like any man would ever look at\nme, come on, I'm gonna... get\n\nout of here.\n\nDivola blocks the door when Elaine tries to leave.\n\nJOE DIVOLA\nPagliacci kills his wife.\n\nELAINE\nSe, now that's terrible, that is not\na nice thing to do at all, I\n\ndon't know how this Paliachi thing turns out but you know I would\nassume\n\nthat there is big big trouble for that clown\n\nJOE DIVOLA\nYou're not leaving\n\nElaine sprays Divola in the eyes and he falls on his back. Elaine\nleaves.\n\nJERRY'S APARTMENT.\n\nJERRY\n(on phone) But officer, he threatened\nme! I don't understand, that's\n\nnot right! What if it was the President of the United States\nI bet you'd\n\ninvestigate. So what's the difference, I'm a comedian of the\nUnited States,\n\nand I'll tell you I'm under just as much pressure. Alright, thanks\nanyway,\n\nok bye.\n\nKnock at door.\n\nJERRY\n(cautiously) Who is it?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's George.\n\nGeorge enters wearing a very small tuxedo.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, are you locking the door now?\n\nJERRY\nWell, well, look at you. It's a little\nskimpy there isn't it?\n\nGEORGE\nDo you know the last time I wore this\nthing? Six years ago, when I\n\nmade that toast at Bobby Leighton's wedding.\n\nJERRY\nOoo, that was a bad toast.\n\nGEORGE\nIt wasn't that bad.\n\nJERRY\nI never heard anybody curse in a toast.\n\nGEORGE\nI was trying to loosen 'em up a little\nbit.\n\nJERRY\nThere were old people there, all the\nrelatives. You were like a Red\n\nFox record. I mean, at the end of the toast nobody even drank.\nThey were\n\njust standing there, they were just frozen! That might have been\none of the\n\nworst all time toasts.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, still her father didn't have\nto throw me out like that, he\n\ncould have just asked me to leave. The guy had me in a headlock!\nSusan's not\n\ngoing tonight you know.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you mean not going? why not?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know, she said she had to pick\nup a friend of hers at the\n\nairport. It cost me a hundred dollars this ticket.\n\nJERRY\nWhy doesn't she pay for hers?\n\nGEORGE\nThat's a very good question. You know\nshe and I go out for dinner,\n\nshe doesn't even reach for the check. That's all I'm asking for\nis a reach.\n\nIs that so much to ask for?\n\nJERRY\nIt's nice to get a reach.\n\nLoud thump is heard from the front door.\n\nJERRY\nWho is it?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's me!\n\nKramer is on the floor\n\nKRAMER\nWhat, are you locking the door now?\n\nJERRY\nBecause of Divola! Get in here... How\ncome you're not dressed?\n\nKRAMER\nI am dressed.\n\nJERRY\nYou're going like this?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Hey I want you to hear something.\n\nJERRY\nI thought you said people dress up when\nthey go to the opera!\n\nKRAMER\nPeople do, I don't.\n\nJERRY\nWell what about me! If you're going\nlike that, I'm not going like\n\nthis.\n\nGEORGE\nWait a minute, wait a minute, do you\nthink I'm comfortable here. I\n\ncan't change, I've got no clothes here! You've got to go like\nthat, I can't\n\ngo like this alone!\n\nJERRY\nWhy should I be uncomfortable just because\nmy apartment is closer to\n\ntown hall than yours?\n\nGEORGE\nThat's not the issue, we're friends,\nif I've got to be\n\nuncomfortable, you've got to be uncomfortable too!\n\nJERRY\nAll right, all right, I'll wear this.\nIt's bad enough I've got to go\n\nto the opera I've got to sit next to ozzie nelson over here.\n\nKramer is playing opera music\n\nJERRY\nWould you turn that down! What is that\ncrap!\n\nKRAMER\nIt's Pagliacci!\n\nJERRY\nOh beautiful. Listen, we've got a little\nproblem here, we've got two\n\nextra tickets.\n\nKRAMER\nWhy? What happened?\n\nJERRY\nWell Susan isn't going and Elaine just\nleft me a message her friend\n\nisn't going either.\n\nKRAMER\nThat's fantastic! We'll scalp the tickets,\nwe'll make maybe five\n\nhundred a ticket.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat? Really?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nPeople are looking for tickets here?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat, are you kidding? Opening night\nPavarotti and Pagliacci. Ha,\n\nwe're gonna clean up!\n\nGEORGE\nOh man! I knew I was gonna love the\nopera.\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah right.\n\nKRAMER\nOK come on, let's go get the tickets.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, all right.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, you guys listen, I've got\nto wait here for Elaine, I'll\n\nmeet you in front of the theatre.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, wait, isn't scalping illegal?\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah!\n\nKramer and George leave.\n\nINSIDE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT\n\nOpera music is playing, Joe Divola is putting on white clown\nmake up.\n\nEND OF ACT 1\n\nOUTSIDE THE THEATRE.\n\nJerry and Elaine are waiting.\n\nJERRY\nYou sprayed him in the eyes with Binaca?\n\nELAINE\nCherry Binaca, it's new.\n\nJERRY\nSee, I don't get that. First they come\nout with the regular, then a\n\nyear later they come out with the cherry. They know that we like\nthe cherry,\n\nstart with cherry! Then come out with the regular!\n\nELAINE\nIt's like I didn't even know him. He's\nlike a totally different\n\nperson.\n\nJERRY\nWell you should hear the message from\nmy nut. Where's George and\n\nKramer, I want to get inside already, I don't like standing out\nhere, I feel\n\nvery vulnerable.\n\nJerry drops a coin that he was tossing.\n\nJERRY\nHey, hey, what are you doing, that's\nmy quarter.\n\nMAN#!\nNo it's not, it's mine.\n\nJERRY\nI was just flipping it, it's mine.\n\nMAN#!\nNo, I dropped it, it's mine.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, do you want the quarter,\ntake the quarter, but don't try\n\nand tell me it's yours.\n\nMAN#!\nWell it is mine.\n\nJERRY\nWhat, do you think I care about the\nmoney? Is that what you think?\n\nYou want me to show you what I care about money? Here look, here\nlook at\n\nthis, here's a dollar here look, there, that's how much I care\nabout money.\n\nJerry tears up the dollar.\n\nMAN#!\nYou think I care about money, that's\nhow much I care about money, I\n\ndon't care about money.\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah, well why don't you Just get\nlost.\n\nMAN#!\nWhy don't you get lost.\n\nJERRY\nBecause I was standing here, that's\nwhy.\n\nMAN#!\nOh Yeah?\n\nJERRY\nYeah!\n\nThe man walks away.\n\nJERRY\nI kinda like this opera crowd, I feel\ntough... Anybody else got a\n\nproblem?\n\nIN THE PARK\n\nJoe Divola, dressed up in a clown suit is walking through the\npark.\n\nPARK GUY#1\nHey clown!\n\nPARK GUY#2\nhey clown!\n\nPARK GUY#1\nMake us laugh, clown!\n\nPARK GUY#2\nNice face, clown!\n\nPARK GUY#2\nMake me laugh, clown!\n\nDivola kicks them all to the ground.\n\nALLEYWAY\n\nKramer and George are trying to sell the tickets.\n\nKRAMER\nI got two, I got two huh, Paliachi,\nwho needs two, Pagliacci, come\n\non, the great tragic clown, come on, check it out, he laughs,\nhe cries, he\n\nsings, Pagliacci. Hey, I got two beauties right here, check it\nout all\n\nright.\n\nMAN#2\nHey, hey. Are you selling.\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah, I'm selling.\n\nMAN#2\nWhere are they?\n\nKRAMER\nOrchestra, Row G, dead center, primo!\nYou'll think you died and\n\nwent to heaven.\n\nMAN#2\nWhat do you want for them.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, I'll tell you what I'll do.\nCause you look like a nice\n\nguy, a thousand dollars for the duce.\n\nMAN#2\nI'll give you five hundred for the pair.\n\nGEORGE\nOk, it's a deal!\n\nKRAMER\nPzzzt. No.\n\nGEORGE\nNo? Are you crazy?\n\nKRAMER\nLook, let me handle this.\n\nGEORGE\nFive hundred dollars, that's a great\ndeal!\n\nKRAMER\nYou're blowing this, the guys a pigeon.\n\nThe man walks away\n\nGEORGE\nDid you see that? The guy's walking\naway. What is wrong with you?\n\nThat was a three hundred dollar profit.\n\nKRAMER\nLook, I know what I'm doing here George.\n\nGEORGE\nThis is not a Metallica concert, it's\nan opera alright, a little\n\ndignity, a little class, just give me my ticket, I will stand\nover here and\n\nsell it.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah.\n\nGEORGE\nThank you very much. You just stand\nover there, I'll stand over\n\nhere.\n\nKRAMER\nI know where I'm standing.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright.\n\nKRAMER\nHey!\n\nGEORGE\n(shouting) Get your Paliachi!\n\nOUTSIDE THEATRE\n\nJERRY\nWhere are they already?\n\nELAINE\nI guarantee they don't sell either one\nof those tickets.\n\nJERRY\nHey, look, there's Bobby Eighteen's\nfather-in-law, Mr Reichman.\n\nGeorge and I were just talking about that today, I can't believe\nit! That's\n\nthe guy who threw George out of the wedding.\n\nELAINE\nOh, yeah, when George made that bad\ntoast!\n\nJERRY\nDo you remember the curse toast?\n\nELAINE\nOh yeah, the curse toast.\n\nJERRY\nSo, can you believe that message? Now\nI've got to spend the rest of\n\nmy life looking over my shoulder.\n\nELAINE\nMe too\n\nJERRY\nCrazy Joe Divola\n\nELAINE\nHow do you know his name?\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you mean? Why wouldn't I know\nhis name?\n\nELAINE\nI never told you his name.\n\nJERRY\nI never told you his name.\n\nELAINE\nWait a second, who are we talking about\nhere?\n\nJERRY\nJoe Divola.\n\nELAINE\nRight, Joe Divola\n\nJERRY\nHow do you know his name?\n\nELAINE\nI've been out with him three times,\nI should know the mans name.\n\nThey click\n\nJERRY\nOh my god, its Joe Divola\n\nELAINE\nIs he stalking you? are you kidding\nme?\n\nJERRY\nThat madman is trying to kill me.\n\nELAINE\nOh, Jerry, why didn't you tell me his\nname! Oh my god, he accused\n\nme of seeing someone else, he said tell me his name, he said\ntell me his\n\nname!!\n\nJERRY\nOh! He said that! Can you imagine what\nhe'll do if he sees me with\n\nyou! He'll think I'm the one who ruined his deal at NBC and took\naway his\n\ngirl, he'll put a kibosh on me!\n\nELAINE\nOooohh, what about me!\n\nDivola walks up to them, dressed in the clown suit.\n\nJOE DIVOLA\nExcuse me\n\nELAINE&JERRY\nAaahhhhh!!\n\nALLEYWAY\n\nGeorge still hasn't sold the ticket.\n\nGEORGE\nBut this is Pavarotti!\n\nMAN#3\nThree hundred dollars, that's a lot\nof money.\n\nMr & Mrs Reichman are walking through the alley\n\nMR REICHMAN\nYou know Steven Holstman (?) did a production\nat Tunis last\n\nyeas and from what I understand, the Moslems really took to it.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, I'll tell you what, you seem\nlike a nice guy, let's stop\n\njerking around. Give me.. two hundred and fifty dollars, I've\ngot people\n\nwaiting for me, I've got to get the hell out of here.\n\nMR REICHMAN\nScalping! I told them to put out extra\nsecurity.. Excuse me.\n\nGEORGE\nHey pop, would you buzz off, I've got\nsomething cooking.\n\nMR REICHMAN\nCostanza!?\n\nGEORGE\nMr Reichman?\n\nMR REICHMAN\nYou've still got a mouth like a surd\ngive me those tickets.\n\nMRS REICHMAN\nHarold, no, Harold, Harold be careful\nof you're hair\n\ntransplant!\n\nOUTSIDE THE THEATRE\n\nJOE DIVOLA\nAnything is welcome, I accept change.\n\nJERRY\nI don't have anything, I gave it to\nthat guy.\n\nJOE DIVOLA\nYou know, you could just say no, you\ndon't have to humiliate\n\nme. I may be dressed as a clown but I am a person.\n\nJERRY\nI'm telling you, the guy took.....\n\nJOE DIVOLA\nAnd I don't need people like you looking\ndown their noses at\n\nme. I am just a street performer out here trying to make enough\nto get by.\n\nMrs Reichman runs past\n\nMRS REICHMAN\nDoctor! Doctor! Is there a doctor anywhere!\n\nJOE DIVOLA\nWhat, are you showing off to your girlfriend\nhere, is that it?\n\nELAINE\nI'm not his girlfriend. We dated for\na while, but things didn't\n\nreally work out.\n\nJOE DIVOLA\nYou people make me sick.\n\nJERRY\nThat is one angry clown!\n\nCOMEDY CLUB\n\nJERRY\nThe hardest part about being a clown,\nit seems to me, would be that\n\nyou're constantly referred to as a clown. \"Who was that clown?\",\n\"I'm not\n\nworking with that clown, did you hire that clown?\", \"The guy's\na clown!\".\n\nHow do you even start into being a clown, how do you know that\nyou want to\n\nbe a clown, I guess you get to a point where you're pants look\nso bad, it's\n\nactually easier to become a clown than having the proper alterations\ndone.\n\nBecause if you think about it, a clown, if there isn't a circus\naround them,\n\nis really just a very annoying person. You're in the back seat\nof this guys\n\nVolkswagen, \"What, you're picking somebody else up? Oh man!\"\n\nEND OF ACT 2\n\nJERRY\n(Singing) Camera, curtains, lights -\nThis is it, we'll hit the\n\nheights - Oh what heights we'll hit - On with the show this is\nit!\n\nELAINE\nYou know, it is so sad, all your knowledge\nof high culture comes\n\nfrom bugs bunny cartoons.\n\nJERRY\nOh there's that clown again, what does\nhe want from me. Look I'm\n\nserious, I'm not kidding, I don't have the quarter, that guy\ntook it.\n\nJOE DIVOLA\nI don't want any money.\n\nELAINE\nI smell cherry.\n\nJOE DIVOLA\nIt's Binaca.\n\nJERRY\nBinaca?\n\nThey see the real clown singing and realize that they are talking\nto Crazy\n\nJoe. They run away.\n\nALLEYWAY\n\nGeorge is finalizing the deal.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat did we say? Two seventy-five?\n\nMAN#3\nTwo fifty.\n\nGEORGE\nTwo fifty? Are you sure\n\nMAN#3\nYeah, yeah, I'm sure.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, all right, two fifty.\n\nSUSAN\nGeorge!\n\nGEORGE\nS-Susan\n\nSUSAN\nI can't believe it, I'm so glad I caught\nyou.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you doing here, I though you\nwere going to the airport.\n\nSUSAN\nOh, there was some problem with the\nplane, they landed in\n\nPhiladelphia.\n\nGEORGE\nSo what, they don't have another plane?\nShe couldn't take a bus?\n\nSUSAN\nShe's coming in tomorrow. I made it!\n\nGEORGE\nYeah you made it, how about that.\n\nSUSAN\nOh, I'm so excited, now we get to see\nthe opera together.\n\nGeorge gives the man the ticket and takes the money.\n\nGEORGE\nWe get to go to the opera together!\n\nSUSAN\nWho's that?\n\nGEORGE\nThat's-that's-Harry Fong, he's a very\ngood friend of mine and he's\n\na big opera buff. Enjoy the show there harry!... You know what.\n\nENTRANCE TO THEATER.\n\nJERRY\nCome on, you gotta let us in\n\nUSHER\nNot without tickets.\n\nJERRY\nWe have tickets, we just don't have\n'em with us.\n\nUSHER\nWell that's a problem. Excuse me.\n\nJERRY\nYou don't understand, someone's after\nus, a crazy clown is trying to\n\nkill us.\n\nUSHER\nA crazy clown is after you? Oh that's\nrich. Now clear the entrance so\n\npeople with tickets can get through.\n\nKramer slides in.\n\nJERRY&ELAINE\nWe're with him, we're with him.\n\nKRAMER\nAre you guys ready?\n\nJERRY&ELAINE\nYeah, Yeah!!\n\nKRAMER\nHave you seen George?\n\nJERRY\nWe thought he was with you.\n\nELAINE\nCome on, he's on his own, come on!\n\nSITTING IN THE THEATER\n\nKRAMER\nThese are great seats huh?\n\nELAINE\nYeah\n\nKRAMER\nYeah\n\nJERRY\nBoy, some cast, huh? Pavarotti, Aver\nMartone.\n\nELAINE\nAver Martone. I've heard of her, who's\nshe playing?\n\nJERRY\nShe's playing, Pagliacci's wife, Nedda.\n\nELAINE\nNedda?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nOh my god..\n\nMan #3 enters and shuffles to his seat.\n\nMAN#3\nExcuse me, excuse me, excuse me.\n\nSusan comes in from the other side.\n\nJERRY\nSusan! What are you doing here?\n\nSUSAN\nMy Friend's flight couldn't make it.\n\nJERRY\nWhere's George?\n\nMAN#3\nI got his ticket.\n\nSUSAN\nHe decided not to come. He said he was\nuncomfortable.\n\nJERRY\nUncomfortable? How does you think I\nfeel?.. Hey let me ask you\n\nsomething, how much did you pay for that ticket?\n\nMAN#3\nOne seventy-five.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, who'd you sell your ticket to?\n\nKRAMER\nSome nut in a clown suit!\n\nThe show starts, everyone claps except Elaine and Jerry who look\nvery\n\nfrightened.\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nI had some friends drag me to an opera\nrecently, you know how\n\nthey've got those little opera glasses, you know, do you really\nneed\n\nbinoculars, I mean how big do these people have to get before\nyou can spot\n\n'em. These opera kids they're going two-fifty, two-eighty,\n\nthree-twenty-five, they're wearing big white woolly vests, the\nwomen have\n\nlike the breastplates, the bullet hats with the horn coming out.\nIf you\n\ncan't pick these people out, forget opera, think about optometry,\nmaybe that's more you're thing.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Virgin.html",
    "text": "THE VIRGIN\n\nWritten by\n\nPeter Mehlman\n\n(Jerry and George talking near a bar.)\n\nJERRY\nWe're dead.\n\nGEORGE\nWe're not dead.\n\nJERRY\nWe are dead.\n\nGEORGE\nCome on. We got all day tomorrow to\ncome up with a story.\n\nJERRY\nAll day tomorrow? We had a month and\na half to come up with something and\nwe didn't do anything.\n\nGEORGE\nSo we'll do it tomorrow.\n\nJERRY\nLet me ask you something. When's the\nlast time you went skiing?\n\nGEORGE\nAbout six years ago.\n\nJERRY\nI think you can take the lift ticket\noff your jacket now.\n\nGEORGE\nWomen like skiers.\n\nJERRY\nSo what? You can't meet anybody. You're\ngoing on with Susan.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Right.\n\nJERRY\nHey, see those two women over there?\nI almost dated the one on the right.\nShe's in the closet business.\n\nGEORGE\nThe closet business? What's the closet\nbusiness?\n\nJERRY\nWhat is it your business?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm interested.\n\nJERRY\nShe reorganizes your closet and shows\nyou how to maximize your closet space.\nShe looked into my closet.\n\nGEORGE\nSo you thought she was good looking\nand figured this would be a good way\nto meet her.\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. So what happened?\n\nJERRY\nSo, she mentioned she had a boyfriend\nand then it hit me. What do I need more\ncloset space for? (Across the room)\nHi, Marla.\n\nMARLA\n(Walks over to Jerry and George) Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, Marla.\n\nGEORGE\nMarla.\n\nMARLA\nGeorge. Jerry, Stacey.\n\nJERRY\nStacey.\n\nSTACEY\nJerry.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, Stacey.\n\nGEORGE\nStacey.\n\nSTACEY\nGeorge.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry. Marla. (Realizing Jerry's cue)\nStacey! (Walks over to Stacey)\n\nMARLA\nSo, how was your trip to Berlin?\n\nJERRY\nTrip to Berlin?\n\nMARLA\nRemember? That's why you put off doing\nthe closets. You said you were going\nto Berlin for a while.\n\nJERRY\nOh, right, right.\n\nMARLA\nThe wall had just come down, and you\ntold me you wanted to be part of the\ncelebration.\n\nJERRY\nYes, yes, I did. But, you know, I was\nwatching it on CNN, and they covered\nit so well I thought, \"Why knock my\nbrains out?\"\n\nMARLA\nYou, know my boyfriend went.\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\nMARLA\nYes, I told him all about you going\nand he got all excited and decided to\ngo.\n\nJERRY\nOh, did he like it?\n\nMARLA\nI don't know. He never came back. (Over\nto the other side of the bar)\n\nGEORGE\nAnyway, we met with NBC about a month\nago and they gave us the green light\nto go ahead and write a pilot. In fact,\nwe got a big meeting with them tomorrow.\nThey gotta approve of the story before\nwe can write.\n\nSTACEY\nWow, what a great job. A writer.\n\nGEORGE\nNot a bad way to make a buck.\n\nSTACEY\nSounds great.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I'll tell you, Stacey. It's a\nlot of hard work. But, it comes fairly\neasy to me. Some people write symphonies.\nThis is my gift. (Raises ski lift ticket\nwhile Stacey looks away)\n\nJERRY\nSo, are you gonna go out with her?\n\nGEORGE\nI might.\n\nJERRY\nWhat about Susan?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat? I'm not married. I'm not allowed\nto go out with somebody else?\n\nJERRY\nDepends.\n\nGEORGE\nDepends on what?\n\nJERRY\nOn many factors.\n\nGEORGE\nLike what?\n\nJERRY\nWell, how long you've been seeing her.\nWhat's your phone call frequency? Are\nyou on a daily?\n\nGEORGE\nNo. Semi-daily. Four or five times a\nweek.\n\nJERRY\nWhat about Saturday nights? Do you have\nto ask her out, or is a date implied?\n\nGEORGE\nImplied.\n\nJERRY\nShe got anything in your medicine cabinet?\n\nGEORGE\nThere might be some moisturizer.\n\nJERRY\nAh hah. Let me ask you this. Is there\nany tampax in your house?\n\nGEORGE\n(Pause) Yeah.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I'll tell you what you've got\nhere.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nYou got yourself a girlfriend.\n\nGEORGE\nAh, no, no. Are you sure? A girlfriend?\n\nJERRY\nI'm looking at a guy in a semi-daily\nwith tampax in his house and an implied\ndate on Saturday night. I would like\nto help you out, but...\n\nGEORGE\nWould you believe my luck? The first\ntime in my life I have a good answer\nto the question, \"What do you do?\" and\nI have a girlfriend. I mean, you don't\nneed a girlfriend when you can answer\nthat question. That's what you say in\norder to get girlfriends. Once you can\nget a girlfriend, you don't want a girlfriend,\nyou just want more girlfriends.\n\nJERRY\nYou're going to make a good father someday.\n\nGEORGE\nWell it's not fair, Jerry. It's just\nnot fair. All right, all right. That's\nit. I'm getting out of this thing.\n\nJERRY\nFine. Break up with her. But you know\nwhat this means?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, what?\n\nJERRY\nThe script, the pilot, the TV show.\nThat's all over.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy? What do you mean?\n\nJERRY\nFigure it out. She's one of the executives\nat NBC that's gonna make the decision\nwhether or not they pick up the show.\nShe's one of our biggest fans. You drop\nher off, you think they're gonna pick\nus up?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, right. Oh no, man.\n\nJERRY\nyou know, it's a very interesting situation.\nHere you have a job that can get you\ngirls. But, you also have a relationship.\nBut if you try and get rid of the relationship\nso you can get the girls, you lose the\njob. You see the irony?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, yeah. I see the irony. All right.\nWhat about this? What if I can find\nsome way to break up with her so that\nshe'll still like me and it doesn't\naffect the deal.\n\nJERRY\n(sarcastically) Oh, yeah.\n\nGEORGE\nWait, wait. Here me out. Don't dismiss\nthis. You're very quick to dismiss.\nDon't dismiss. She's got a big crush\non David Letterman, I mean, a big crush.\nShe talks about him all the time. Suppose\nI go up to David Letterman. He works\nat NBC; I work at NBC. I explain my\nsituation. He agrees to meet her. They\ngo out, they fall madly in love. And\nshe dumps me for David Letterman.\n\nJERRY\nThis is your plan?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no. I'm just thinking.\n\nJERRY\nI don't think you are.\n\nMARLA\nLet me tell you what I think.\n\nJERRY\nPlease, and be brutal. I have no closet\nsensitivity.\n\nMARLA\nAre you very fussy about your pants?\n\nJERRY\nI don't think I am.\n\nMARLA\nBecause I have a very radical idea.\nCan you handle it?\n\nJERRY\nTry me.\n\nMARLA\nHere's what I'm proposing. We eliminate\nall this. The hangers, the bar, the\nshelves. And in its place install a\nseries of hooks. We'll put everything\non hooks.\n\nJERRY\nEverything?\n\nMARLA\nEverything. The shirts, pants, sport\njackets, pajamas. We could get eighty\nhooks on here.\n\nJERRY\nYou're quite mad, you know. (Kramer\nenters) Oh, I don't believe this. (Goes\ninto other room) Hey?\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you doing?\n\nKRAMER\nI'm watching The Bold and the Beautiful.\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nThis is not a good time.\n\nKRAMER\nFive minutes. What?\n\nJERRY\nWhat did you have to give your TV away\nto George for?\n\nKRAMER\nBecause I've been watching too much.\nIt was an addiction. I couldn't stop.\nIt was, it was destroying my brain cells.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, but now you're in here all the\ntime. (Marla enters from other room)\n\nKRAMER\nWell, wow.\n\nJERRY\nMarla, Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nWhy don't you go out? It's nice out.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, no. There's nothing out there for\nme.\n\nJERRY\nThere's weather.\n\nKRAMER\nWeather? I don't need weather. Weather\ndoesn't do it for me.\n\nJERRY\nI'm tellin' George to give you your\nTV back.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, I don't want it back. (Pause)\nAre you gonna watch the Knick game tonight?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know.\n\nKRAMER\nWill you tape it?\n\nJERRY\nKramer... (points to Marla)\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. (He exits)\n\nJERRY\nSo your boyfriend never came back from\nBerlin.\n\nMARLA\nNever came back.\n\nJERRY\nOh, you must have been devastated being\nleft for a wall.\n\nMARLA\nIt was about to end anyway. There was\nthis... problem.\n\nJERRY\nAh hah. (Buzzer) Excuse me one second.\nYeah?\n\nELAINE\nIt's me.\n\nJERRY\nCome on up. Oh, it's Elaine, she's just\na friend of mine. I don't know what\nshe's doing here now. (Buzzer) I'm sorry.\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nI didn't get it.\n\nJERRY\nUgh. So you were saying there was this\nproblem.\n\nMARLA\nWell, he wanted me to move in with him.\n\nJERRY\nSnapple?\n\nMARLA\nNo thanks.\n\nJERRY\nGo on.\n\nMARLA\nWell I wouldn't move in because...\n\nJERRY\nYes.\n\nMARLA\nWell because...\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nMARLA\nWell because I'm a virgin. (Elaine enters)\n\nELAINE\nHello!\n\nJERRY\nHi, um. Marla, Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nI'm sorry, I didn't know you had company.\nI just wanted to return your tape.\n\nJERRY\nOh, thanks a lot, two weeks late. Now\nthat costs me thirty-five dollars to\nsee Havana.\n\nELAINE\nI'm sorry, I really am. I just kept\nforgetting.\n\nMARLA\nI should be going.\n\nELAINE\nNo, no, I'm leaving.\n\nJERRY\nI like that thing in your hair there.\n\nELAINE\nOh yeah? This woman was selling them\nat this crazy party I was at last night.\nYou'll appreciate this. Snapple?\n\nMARLA\nNo thanks.\n\nELAINE\nI was talking to this guy, you know,\nand I just happened to throw my purse\non the sofa. And my diaphragm goes flying\nout. So I just froze, you know, ahh!\nStaring at my diaphragm. You know, it's\njust lying there. So then, this woman,\nthe one who sold me this hair thing,\nshe grabbed it before the guy noticed,\nso. I mean, big deal, right? So I carry\naround my diaphragm, who doesn't? Yeah,\nlike it's a big, big secret that women\ncarry around their diaphragms. You never\nknow when you're gonna need it, right?\n(Sips the Snapple) Ahh.\n\nMARLA\nI should be going.\n\nJERRY\nSo we'll talk about the hooks then?\n\nMARLA\nYes. (She exits)\n\nELAINE\nWhat? Was it something I said?\n\nJERRY\nShe's a virgin, she just told me.\n\nELAINE\nWell I didn't know.\n\nJERRY\nWell it's not like spotting a toupee.\n\nELAINE\nWell you think I should say something?\nShould I say something? Should I apologize?\nWas I being anti-virgin?\n\nJERRY\nNo, no, I mean...\n\nELAINE\n'Cause I'm not anti-virgin. I'll be\nright back. (She leaves)\n\nJERRY\nElaine, Elaine... (Buzzer) Yeah?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's George.\n\nGEORGE\nShe's a virgin?\n\nJERRY\nA virgin.\n\nGEORGE\nWow. So what're you gonna do?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know. I'm very attracted to\nher. That accent, it's so sexy.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't think I could do it. You know,\nthey always remember the first time.\nI don't want to be remembered. I wanna\nbe forgotten.\n\nJERRY\nYou need a little pioneer spirit. You\nknow, you don't have any of that Lewis\nand Clark in you.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, sometimes those guys don't\nmake it back. (Looks in fridge) I'm\nreally hungry.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, me too.\n\nGEORGE\nWe gotta get something. I don't want\nto go to that meeting on an empty stomach.\nLet's get some Chinese. You wanna order\nit?\n\nJERRY\nAll right, but then we gotta get some\nwork done. Let me just call Kramer,\nsee if want anything. (Calls) Hey, we\nordering Chinese food. If you want anything--\n(Kramer enters quickly) let me know\nwhat it is and I'll order for you.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm in. Let's go for it.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat do you want?\n\nKRAMER\nI don't care, whatever.\n\nGEORGE\nI'll tell you what. Why don't we just\nget a couple of dishes and we'll just\nshare 'em.\n\nKRAMER\nOkay. What are you getting?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm gonna get a Chow Fung.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat's a Chow Fung?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's a broad noodle.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat do you mean, a broad noodle?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's a big flat noodle.\n\nKRAMER\nWell I don't want a big flat noodle.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat kind of noodle do you want?\n\nKRAMER\nWho says I want a noodle?\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, look. I'm getting the Chow\nFung. You don't have to have any.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right. I'll get pea pods and you\ncan't have any of my pea pods.\n\nGEORGE\nFine.\n\nKRAMER\nGet extra MSG.\n\nELAINE\nLook, Marla. This whole sex thing is\ntotally overrated. Now, here's the one\nthing you've gotta be ready for is how\nthe man changes into a completely different\nperson five seconds after it's over.\nI mean, something happens to their personality\nit's really quite astounding. It's like\nthey committed a crime and they want\nto flee the scene before the police\nget there.\n\nMARLA\nSo they just leave?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, pretty much, yeah. Well, the smart\nones start working on their getaway\nstories during dinner. How, you know,\nthey gotta get up early tomorrow. What\nis about being up early? They all turn\ninto farmers suddenly.\n\nMARLA\nWow. It must be pretty good to put up\nwith all that.\n\nELAINE\nEh.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, let's go. We don't have much\ntime before the meeting.\n\nGEORGE\nWhere's the food? What happened to Ping?\n\nJERRY\nDon't worry, he'll be here. Look, we\nonly got about two hours. We just need\nto come up with one good story so we\ncan get through this meeting. (Buzzer)\nThere's your food.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, what about this? I'm in a car accident.\nThe motorist is uninsured, you with\nme?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nMy car's totaled. It's all his fault\nand now, he has absolutely no money.\nThere is no way that he can pay me.\nSo the judge decrees that he becomes\nmy butler.\n\nJERRY\nYour butler?\n\nGEORGE\nRight. He cooks my food, he cleans my\nhouse, he does all my shopping for me.\nAnd there you go, that's your program.\n\nJERRY\nWhat about me?\n\nGEORGE\nDon't worry, we'll find something for\nyou. (Knock of Jerry's door)\n\nJERRY\n(Getting the door) That's the stupidest\nidea I ever heard. Sentenced to be a\nbutler. (Elaine, Marla, and an injured\nPing are at the door) Ping, what happened?\n\nELAINE\nThere was a bit of an accident.\n\nPING\nHead hurts. Head really hurts.\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened?\n\nELAINE\nMarla and I went out for coffee and\nafterwards I was crossing the street\nand he was biking right towards me.\nSo I got out of the way just in time,\nbut then he ran into a parked car. He\nhit his head and everything went flying.\n\nGEORGE\nSomething happened to the food?\n\nPING\nI only saved one bag.\n\nJERRY\nShould I call an ambulance? Do you wanna\nsee a doctor?\n\nMARLA\nI'll get some ice.\n\nGEORGE\n(After looking in the bag) The pea pods?\nAll you saved was the pea pods? (Kramer\nenters)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, you got the food?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, here.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat took you so long? Hey, Ping!\n\nPING\nKramer. (Kramer and George sit on the\ncouch)\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Where's yours?\n\nGEORGE\nHe dropped it.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, that's too bad.\n\nELAINE\nYou should slow down, you know that?\nIt's dangerous to go that fast.\n\nPING\nNo, no. I have green light. You jaywalked.\n\nKRAMER\n(To Jerry) Hey, you watchin' Oprah?\n\nELAINE\n(To Ping) I did not jaywalk.\n\nJERRY\n(To George) You're givin' him back that\nTV.\n\nPING\n(To Elaine) Yes, you jaywalked.\n\nKRAMER\n(To Jerry) No, I don't want it back.\n\nPING\n(To Elaine) Jaywalker. I could slap\nsuit on you.\n\nGEORGE\n(To Jerry) We got work to do. What about\nthe meeting?\n\nKRAMER\n(To himself) Hey, look. An hour with\nPatrick Swayze.\n\nJERRY\nA month and a half we had. We did nothing.\nI can't believe we put it off until\ntoday and then we couldn't do anything\nbecause Elaine runs out to apologize\nto a virgin, crosses against a light,\nand knocks over a Chinese delivery boy.\nNow we're gonna make fools of ourselves,\nwe got nothing. You're not even in show\nbusiness. I gotta reputation. You drag\nme into the sewer with you. I've been\non TV buddy boy. You know how fast word\nspreads in show business? It's like\nthat (Snaps in George's face), like\nthat! One bad impression, you're outta\nthe business!\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, let's postpone it. Let's\nget out of here.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you mean? They know we're here.\n\nGEORGE\nI'll fake an illness. (Acts it out)\nMy back! My back! I can't believe, my\nback.\n\nJERRY\nNo, no, would you get up?\n\nGEORGE\nI can do this, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, I'll tell them my sister\ndied. (Starts fake crying) My poor sister\ndied. She was standing and then she\nwas laughing and then they SHOT her!\nThat's the kind of sick city that we're\nlivin' in. They shoot you for laughing.\nI must go and comfort my poor family.\nJerry, take me home so I can comfort\nmy... my poor family.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nThat's David Letterman. I just saw David\nLetterman walk by. I'll be right back.\n(He exits)\n\nWOMAN\nMr. Seinfeld, they're ready for you.\n(She exits)\n\nJERRY\nYes, I was very wise to hitch my wagon\nto his star. (Jerry enters meeting)\n\nMAN #1\nHey, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHi, how are you doing? Nice to see you\nall here. Hello.\n\nRITA\nHello, Jerry. I'm Rita Kearson.\n\nJERRY\nOh, uh, nice to meet you. Where's Russell?\n\nRITA\nHe, uh, had to go to LA. There's a problem\non the set of Blossom.\n\nJERRY\nOh, poor Blossom. (He sits)\n\nRITA\nAnyway, he asked me to sit in for him.\n\nMAN #2\nWhere's George?\n\nJERRY\nOh, he ran to say something to David\nLetterman.\n\nSUSAN\nDavid Letterman's on the floor?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, he just walked by.\n\nRITA\nWell, I think we should get started\nanyway.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, good idea.\n\nRITA\nSo how are you guys comin' along?\n\nJERRY\nGood, good, we've got a lot of ideas.\n\nRITA\nGood. (Pause)\n\nJERRY\nHave you ever been to a Chinese restaurant\nand they tell you it'll be, like, five\nminutes for a table and you wind up\nwaitin' there for, like, thirty minutes?\nWell, we thought it would be very funny\nto do an entire show where all you're\ndoin' is waitin' for the table. (They\ndon't seem to like it) Because we've\nall been in that situation. You know,\nyou're waiting... and you're hungry...\nand you bump into somebody you know...\nWhen is Russell coming back?\n\nRITA\nSo that's the idea?\n\nJERRY\nWell no, that's one. We have many others.\nWe have an idea where, uh, I get into\nan accident with a guy who has no insurance\nand the judge sentences him to be my\nbutler. (Everyone laughs) You know he\ncooks for me, he has to cook for me...\nHe cleans my house, he's doin' my shopping,\nyou know? I'm walkin' around with one\nof those big neck collars.\n\nMAN #2\nThose collars are funny!\n\nMAN #1\nOnce you see someone in those collars\nyou start laughing immediately. (George\nenters)\n\nGEORGE\nYou tellin' 'em about the butler story?\nIs that beautiful or what? Hey, sorry\nI'm late. (Looks at Rita) Russell?\n\nRITA\nI'm Rita Kearson.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, Rita. Hey, Mr. Shermack, how're\nyou doing, good to see you. Jay, always\na pleasure. (To Susan) Sweetie. (Kisses\nher and then sits down next to Jerry)\nYeah, yeah, that butler idea, that's\nbeautiful. Isn't that killer? (Aside\nto Jerry) I thought I was getting the\nbutler.\n\nJERRY\nDon't worry, uh, we'll find something\nfor you.\n\nJERRY\nSo Letterman didn't spark to your idea,\nhuh?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, he said there was nothing he could\ndo, and next time I should probably\nbreak the Prozacs in half.\n\nKRAMER\nYou, you guys wanna hold it down? I'm\nwatchin' Jeopardy.\n\nJERRY\nWould you give him the TV back?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, by the way, George. Susan called\nfor you a minute ago.\n\nGEORGE\nI bet they're probably doing summersaults\nabout us over there. You think they\nget butler stories like that everyday?\n(He calls Susan)\n\nKRAMER\n(To the TV) Who is Joseph Cotton? Giddee\nup!\n\nSUSAN\nHello?\n\nGEORGE\nHi, it's me. It's Georgie Boy. What's\ngoing on?\n\nSUSAN\nWhat's going on? What's going on? I'll\ntell you what's going on. I'm fired!\n\nGEORGE\nFired? Why?\n\nSUSAN\nBecause you kissed me. You kissed me,\nyou stupid idiot! Rita called Russell\nand he fired me over the phone.\n\nKRAMER\n(To the TV) What is pi? Ooh! Giddee\nup again.\n\nGEORGE\nBut I had no... I didn't realize.\n\nSUSAN\nYou didn't realize? How could you not\nrealize? You're stupid! You're a stupid,\nstupid man!\n\nGEORGE\nI just feel terrible This is just terrible.\n\nKRAMER\n(To the TV once again) What is the cha-cha?\nOoh, yes indeed.\n\nSUSAN\nI'll speak to you later.\n\nGEORGE\n(Hangs up phone and pauses) this is\ngreat! He fired her! This is incredible,\nhe fired her. I'm out, baby! I'm out!\n\nJERRY\nWhy did he fire her?\n\nGEORGE\nBecause I kissed her in the meeting.\nRussell found out, he fired her over\nthe phone. Finally, my stupidity pays\noff!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat is here comes the judge, here comes\nthe judge!\n\nJERRY\nYou can't break up with her now. Her\nlife is shattered. You got her fired.\nYou gotta be there for her.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nYou gotta at least wait until she gets\nanother job.\n\nGEORGE\nAnother job?\n\nJERRY\nCouple of interviews.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, this is unbelievable. I'm stuck.\nEvery time I think I'm out, they pull\nme back in.\n\nMARLA\nAre you gonna leave after its over?\nYou know, if we have sex.\n\nJERRY\nWhat? Leave? Where? Why?\n\nMARLA\nYou know, the apartment.\n\nJERRY\nWhy would I leave? This is my apartment.\n\nMARLA\nWell what if it was my apartment?\n\nJERRY\nWho gave you this idea I would wanna\nleave?\n\nMARLA\nWell Elaine said men like to leave after\nit's over.\n\nJERRY\nListen, I wouldn't put too much stock\ninto what Elaine has to say about relationships.\nShe comes from a broken home, and I\nmean that literally. A tree fell on\nher roof and cracked the whole structure.\nHer parents got along beautifully, but\nher house was in bad shape.\n\nMARLA\nMaybe I should get going.\n\nJERRY\nWhat else did you say to her?\n\nELAINE\nNothin'. I was just givin' her the straight\ndope.\n\nJERRY\nMore like a dope was giving it to her\nstraight. Another cup of coffee with\nyou, she'll wind up in a convent.\n\nELAINE\nListen, there was a lot more I could've\ntold her, believe me.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is that about leaving after sex?\nDid I ever leave with you?\n\nELAINE\nYou might've if I'd stayed. So you know\nwhat? I got served with papers today.\nPing is suing me. I need your virgin\nas a witness. You better be nice to\nher.\n\nJERRY\nI was trying to be.\n\nELAINE\nLook at George. (On the other side of\nthe restaurant) He lucked out, huh?\n\nJERRY\nOh, you're not kiddin'. Who'd 've figured\nSusan would break up with him? They\nhad a good thing going.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, since she met him she's been vomited\non, her family cabin's been burned down,\nshe learned her father's a homosexual,\nand she got fired from a high paying\nnetwork job. Yeah, they had a real good\nthing going.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat do I do? Well actually, I'm a writer.\nIn fact, I'm writing a comedy pilot\nfor NBC right now.\n\nWOMAN\nA sitcom? How can you write that crap?\nCarol, this guy's writing a sitcom.\n\nCAROL\nA sitcom? Come on, let's go. (They leave)\n\nWOMAN\nA sitcom. Can you imagine? And he actually\ntried to use it to hit on me!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Contest.html",
    "text": "THE CONTEST\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David\n\n(Monk's Coffee shop)\n\n(Jerry and Kramer are sitting opposite Elaine at a booth, eating\nlunch)\n\nJERRY\n(To Elaine) Let me ask you a question.\n\nELAINE\nMm-hm.\n\nJERRY\nYou're a hostage, captured by terrorists-\n\nELAINE\n(Smiling, chewing) Who, me?\n\nJERRY\nYou, anybody - whatever. You're in the\nlittle room, you're chained to the floor,\nyou're there for a long time.. do you\nthink they would ever consider doing\n\nthe laundry?\n\nELAINE\n(Matter-of-factly) They have to, it's\nin the Geneva Convention.\n\nKRAMER\n(Imitating a Turkish terrorist) You!\nTake off your socks, your pants, your\nunderwear. We're doing the wash. C'mon!\nTake it off, take it off!\n\n(Jerry and Elaine both laugh at Kramer's impression as George\nslowly enters. He's in a melancholy state)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Georgie.\n\nJERRY AND ELAINE\nHi.\n\n(George sits down next to Elaine - opposite Kramer)\n\nJERRY\n(To George) What's the matter?\n\nGEORGE\n(Slowly shakes his head) My mother caught\nme.\n\nJERRY\n\"Caught\" you? Doing what?\n\nGEORGE\nYou know. (All three give him blank\nstares) I was alone..\n\nELAINE\n(Making a face of surprise) You mean..?!\n\nGEORGE\n(Nods) Uh-huh.\n\nKRAMER\n(Laughing) She caught you?\n\n(Elaine laughs with Kramer)\n\nJERRY\nWhere?\n\nGEORGE\n(Not really wanting to embellish) ..I\nstopped by the house to drop the car\noff, and I went inside for a few minutes..\nNobody was there - they're supposed\n\nto be working. (Jerry and Elaine look at each other - enjoying\nthe story) My mother had a Glamour magazine, I started leafing\nthrough it..\n\nJERRY\n\"Glamour\"?\n\n(Kramer and Elaine laugh slightly)\n\nGEORGE\n..So, one thing lead to another..\n\nJERRY\nSo, what did she do?\n\nGEORGE\nFirst she screams, \"George, what are\nyou doing?! My God!\" And it looked like\nshe was gonna faint - she started clutching\nthe wall, trying to hang onto it.\n\nKRMAER\n(Reflecting on the story so far) Man..\n\nGEORGE\nI didn't know whether to try and keep\nher from falling, or zip up.\n\nJERRY\nWhat did you do?\n\nGEORGE\nI zipped up!\n\nELAINE\n(Wide-eyed) So, she fell?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. (Noticing this makes him out to\nbe the bad kid, he gets defensive) Well,\nI couldn't run over there the way I\nwas!\n\nELAINE\nNo, I guess you couldn't have..\n\nJERRY\n(In the middle of Elaine's sentence,\nsmiling) No, I wouldn't think so.\n\nELAINE\n(Finishing it off) ..done that.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, she fell, and then she started screaming,\n\"My back! My back!\" So, I picked her\nup and took her to the hospital.\n\nELAINE\n(Between chuckles) How is she?\n\nGEORGE\n(Somewhat angered) She's in traction.\n\nELAINE\n(Still laughing) Ok, I'm sorry.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's not funny, Elaine.\n\nELAINE\n(Stifling her laughter) I know. I'm\nsorry. I'm serious.\n\nGEORGE\nHer back went out. She's gotta be there\nfor a couple of days. All she said on\nthe way over in the car was, \"Why, George,\nwhy?!\".. I said, \"Because it's\n\nthere!\"\n\n(Kramer laughs, sipping his drink)\n\nJERRY\n\"Glamour\"?\n\n(Elaine laughs)\n\nGEORGE\n(Vowing) Well, I'll tell you this, though\n- I am never doing.. that, again.\n\nELAINE\nWhat, you mean, in your mother's house,\nor all together?\n\nGEORGE\n(Definite) All together.\n\n(The next three lines are said at the exact same time)\n\nELAINE\nOh, gimme a break..\n\nJERRY\n(Skeptical) Ohhh yeah.. right.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, like you're gonna stop?\n\nJERRY AND ELAINE\nC'mon..\n\nGEORGE\nYou don't think I can?\n\nJERRY\nNo chance.\n\nGEORGE\n(Daring) You think you could?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I know I could hold out longer\nthan you.\n\nGEORGE\nCare to make it interesting?\n\nJERRY\nSure, how much?\n\nGEORGE\nA hundred dollars.\n\nJERRY\n(Pointing) You're on.\n\nKRAMER\n(Butting in) Wait a second, wait a second.\nCount me in on this. (Clicks his tongue)\n\nJERRY\nYou?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nYou'll be out before we get the check.\n\nELAINE\n(Smiling) I want to be in on this, too.\n\nGEORGE AND JERRY\n(Rejecting) Ohh, no. No, no, no..\n\nELAINE\nWhy?\n\nJERRY\n(Showing difference) It's apples and\noranges..\n\nELAINE\nWhat? Why? (More 'no, no, no's from\nJerry and George. Persistent) Why?\n\nJERRY\nBecause you're a woman!\n\nELAINE\nSo what?\n\nJERRY\nIt's easier for a woman not to do it\nthan a man.\n\nELAINE\n(Sarcastic) Oh.\n\nJERRY\nWe have to do it. It's part of our lifestyle.\nIt's like, uh.. shaving.\n\nELAINE\nOh, that is such bologna. I shave my\nlegs.\n\nKRAMER\n(Making a point) Not everyday.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, look, you want to be in?\n\nELAINE\nYeah!\n\nGEORGE\nYou gotta give us odds. At least two\nto one - you gotta put up two-hundred\ndollars.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, a thousand!\n\nELAINE\nNo, I'll - I'll put up one-fifty.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, you're in for one-fifty.\n\nJERRY\n(Nodding) Okay, one-fifty.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, now, how are we gonna monitor\nthis thing?\n\nJERRY\nWell, obviously, we all know each other\nvery well, (Elaine slightly laughs)\nI'm sure that we'll all feel comfortable\nwithin the confines of the honor system.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright. (Holds out his pinkie at the\ncenter of the table)\n\n(Jerry, Elaine, and George all hook their pinkies onto his, in\na 'pinkie promise', they all pull their hand away, yelling out\n\"Yeah!\")\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Jerry's sitting on the couch, eating cereal while George is\non the phone with his mother)\n\nGEORGE\n(Stern) No, ma, I'm not gonna see a\npsychiatrist. N- I don't care if you\ndo pay for it! No! Discussion over.\nYeah, alright, I'll see you later. Yes,\nof course\n\nI'm gonna come by. Alright. (Hangs up, slamming it down on the\ncoffee table. He sits down next to Jerry) My mother wants me\nto see a psychiatrist now. Why?!\n\nBecause she caught me? (Scoffs, shaking his head) You know, if\neveryone who did that had to go see a psychiatrist.. (Laughing,\nhe snorts)\n\nJERRY\n(Waits for the rest of the sentence)\n..Yeah?\n\nGEORGE\n(Defensively) Whatever.\n\n(Intercom buzzes, Jerry gets up to answer it)\n\nJERRY\nHow is she?\n\nGEORGE\n(Shrugging it off) She'll be fine. I\ngotta go to the hospital to see her\ntonight.\n\nJERRY\n(Answering to the intercom) Yeah?\n\nELAINE\nIt's me.\n\nJERRY\nCome on up. (Lets her in by unlocking\nthe front door)\n\nGEORGE\nHey, what are you doing tonight?\n\nJERRY\n(Opens his door slightly for Elaine)\nDating Marla.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, the virgin?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nAny, uh.. progress, there? What's the\nlatest?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I got my troops amassed along\nthe border - I'm just waiting for someone\nto give me the go-ahead.\n\n(Kramer enters, heading for Jerry's window)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, look at this, c'mere. There's a\nnaked woman across the street.\n\n(George and Jerry quickly join him at the window)\n\nJERRY\nWhere?\n\nKRAMER\nSecond floor from the top. (Pointing)\nSee the window on the left?\n\nGEORGE\n(In awe) Wow!\n\nJERRY\n(Also amazed) Who walks around the house\nlike that?!\n\n(All eyes are glued to the woman)\n\nGEORGE\n(Suggesting) Maybe she's a nudist. You\nknow, those nudist colony people..\n\nKRAMER\n..Yeah.. (Pause) yeah.. (Slowly stands\nup, and walks out Jerry's apartment\n- leaving Jerry and George with the\nview, he shuts the door behind him)\n\nJERRY\nHey, let me ask you a question. In these\nnudist colonies, do they eat naked in\nthe dining room?\n\nGEORGE\nI would imagine it's all naked.\n\nJERRY\nWhat about the chamber maids? Are they\nnaked, too?\n\nGEORGE\n(Still focused on the nudist) They're\nnaked, the gardeners naked.. the bellhops.\n(Jerry makes a noise of astonishment)\nOne big nude-a-rama.\n\n(Elaine enters)\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nJERRY AND GEORGE\n(Only turning back for a second) Hey.\n\nELAINE\nWell, (Smiling) where's my money? Who\ncaved?\n\nJERRY\n(Over his shoulder) Not me.\n\nGEORGE\n(Also, over his shoulder) Not me.\n\nELAINE\nWhat're you looking at?\n\nJERRY\nThere's a naked woman across the street.\n\nELAINE\n(Smiling, chuckling) This is gonna be\nthe easiest money I've ever made in\nmy life. (Moving on to a new topic)\nSo, my fried, Joyce, is teaching an\naerobics\n\nclass. I'm gonna go tonight.\n\nJERRY\n(Commenting) Yeah.. the - the waitress\nshould've taken it back.\n\nELAINE\n(Realizes Jerry and George aren't paying\nattention) So then, I got a call this\nmorning. You know, I was, uh, chosen\nto go on the space shuttle. We're goin'\n\nto Mars.\n\nJERRY\n(Still staring at the woman) Uh-huh.\n\nGEORGE\nHave a good time.\n\n(Kramer casually enters, takes a few step toward the kitchen,\nand slaps a wad of bills onto the counter)\n\nKRAMER\n(Declaring) I'm out!\n\n(Kramer now has the attention of everyone in the room. Jerry's\nmouth is open in shock. A moment passes)\n\nELAINE\nWhat?!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I'm out - I'm out of the contest.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're out?!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah.. (Notes their reactions)\nwhat?\n\nELAINE\nWell, that was fast!\n\nJERRY\nWell, it was that woman across the street.\n(To Jerry) You know, you better be careful,\nbuddy. She's gonna get you next. (Walks\nout, shutting the door\n\nbehind him)\n\n(Jerry, Elaine, and George all look at each other, reflecting)\n\nELAINE\n..And then there were three.\n\n(Hospital room)\n\n(Estelle is on a hospital bed. George, sitting back in a chair,\nis visiting her)\n\nELAINE\nI don't understand you. I really don't.\nYou have nothing better to do at three\no' clock in the afternoon? I go out\nfor a quart of milk, I come home, and\nfind\n\nmy son treating his body like it was an amusement park!\n\nGEORGE\n(Stern, trying to shut her up) Ma.\n\nESTELLE\nDon't give me \"Ma\". It's a good thing\nI didn't hit the table. I could of cracked\nmy head open.\n\nGEORGE\nMa, people can hear you.\n\nESTELLE\n(Heavy in sarcasm) Too bad you can't\ndo that for a living. You'd be very\nsuccessful at it. You could sell out\nMadison Square Garden. Thousands of\n\npeople could watch you! You could be a big star!\n\nGEORGE\n(Getting up) Alright, Ma, that's enough!\n\nESTELLE\nI want you to go see a psychiatrist.\n\nGEORGE\nNo! I am not going to see a psychiatrist!\n\nESTELLE\nWhy? Why not?! Why won't you go?\n\nGEORGE\n(Like a kid) Because I don't want to.\n\nESTELLE\nI want you to go see somebody.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I am not going.\n\nESTELLE\nIt's a good thing your father's in Chicago.\n\n(George's cousin, Shelly, enters)\n\nSHELLY\nHello, Aunt Estelle. Look at you - how\ndid this happen?\n\nGEORGE\n(Snapping) Is that important, really?\nWhat is this, a police investigation?\nThe woman's been through enough. She\nhas to relive the experience now?!\n\n(On the other side of a curtain divider, the silhouette of a\nshapely nurse can be seen entering)\n\nNURSE\nHi, Denise. Six-thirty, time for your\nsponge bath.\n\n(The shadow of a patient awakening can be seen)\n\nDENISE\nMmm.. is it six-thirty already? I fell\nasleep.\n\n(The two women go about preparing the sponge bath. George is\nvisibly affected - breathing heavily, and staring at them through\nthe curtain)\n\nSHELLY\n(Seems not to notice what's going on\nbeyond the divider) So, George, what\nare you doing now? I hear you got some\nkinda television, writing - thing?\n\nGEORGE\n(Slowly backing away, he's not at all\ncommitted to the conversation) Yeah..\ntelevision.\n\n(The patient, Denise, is trying to get her gown off)\n\nNURSE\nLet me help you out with that. Here,\njust slip it over your head..\n\nDENISE\nOh.. thank you.\n\nSHELLY\n(Nodding) Well, it's about time. We\nthought you were gonna wind up on the\nstreet. (As the bath is going on, George\nis now completely mesmerized)\n\nWhat is it you're doing, exactly?\n\n(A moment passes. George seems not to have heard his cousin)\n\nESTELLE\nGeorge, you're cousin, Shelly, is talking\nto you!\n\n(New York Health Club)\n\n(Elaine, dressed for a work-out, is signing forms while talking\nwith her friend, Joyce)\n\nJOYCE\nSo, when was the last time you took\na class?\n\nELAINE\nOh, it's been a while.\n\nJOYCE\n(Overly excited) Are you psyched?\n\nELAINE\n(Fake excitement) Yeah. yeah, I'm really..\npsyched.\n\nJOYCE\nWell, you're gonna thank me for getting\nyou in here.\n\nELAINE\nWhy is that?\n\nJOYCE\n(Pointing, she directs Elaine's attention\noff-camera) See the guy with the dark\nhair and the red shorts?\n\n(Elaine looks over, and her jaw drops to the floor. Breathless,\nshe turns back to her friend)\n\nELAINE\n(Between breaths) Oh, my God. (Joyce\nnods) John F. Kennedy Junior's here!\n\nJOYCE\nHe's gonna be in your class today.\n\nELAINE\n(Still unable to speak right) In my\nclass? John Kennedy's gonna be in my\nclass?!\n\nJOYCE\nI can get you a spot right behind him.\nHe has got a great butt.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. Butt. Butt. Great butt. John-John's\nbutt.\n\n(Jerry's car)\n\n(Stationary, Jerry's girlfriend, Marla, and him are making out.\nAfter some deep kissing, Marla breaks away)\n\nMARLA\nLet's slow it down a little.\n\nJERRY\n\"Slow it down\"?\n\nMARLA\nWell, (Reminding him of her virginity)\nYou know..\n\nJERRY\nAh, yeah.. I know.\n\nMARLA\nYou're okay with that, right?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, yeah.. of course. What, do you\nthink I care about the sex? What kind\nof person do you think I am? That doesn't\nmean anything to me. (Faint) I don't\n\ncare about that.\n\nMARLA\nSo, I'll see you Saturday night, then?\n\nJERRY\n(Smiling, nodding) Sure, Saturday night.\n\nMARLA\nAlright, then. Good night.\n\nJERRY\nGoodnight. (She gets out. Jerry leans\nforward, adding) Not just a good night\n- a great night. (She shuts the door,\nhe waves)\n\n(Jerry's bedroom)\n\n(Jerry, in the middle of the night, is moving around - unable\nto get to sleep, he's restless. Scene cuts to George. He's wide\nawake, and staring at the ceiling. Cut to\n\nElaine. She's settling into bed, unable to get to sleep. The\nscene takes a final cut to Kramer. He's sound asleep)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Jerry's in a grouchy mood. Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\n(Singing) Goood Moorrrnninng!\n\nJERRY\n(Out of it) Yeah, good morning.\n\nKRAMER\nHa, ha! Nothing like some good solid\nsack time. (Turns toward Jerry's window)\n\nJERRY\nShe's not there. She's doin' her wash.\n\nKRAMER\n(Turning back to Jerry) Oh. So, did\nyou make it through the night?\n\nJERRY\n(Over the top) Yes, I'm proud to say\nI did!\n\nKRAMER\nSo, you're still master of your domain.\n\nJERRY\n(Nodding) Yes. Yes I am. (Kramer chuckles)\nMaster of my domain. But I will tell\nyou this: I am going over to (Gestures\nto the nudist) her apartment, and\n\nI'm tellin' her to put those shades down!\n\nKRAMER\nWoah, woah, woah. What-what did you\njust say?\n\nJERRY\nI can't take it anymore! She's driving\nme crazy! I can't sleep, I can't leave\nthe house, and I' here, I'm climbin'\nthe walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin,\nI'm in\n\nthis contest - something's gotta give!\n\nKRAMER\nDo you hear what you're saying?! Can\nyou hear it?! (Jerry puts on his coat)\nThis is a beautiful woman walking around\nnaked, and you want to tell her to\n\nstop?! That's the dumbest thing I ever heard! I mean, think comprehens-\nI'm not gonna let you do it.\n\nJERRY\n(Persistent) Well, I'm doin' it, get\nout of my way.\n\nKRAMER\n(Stopping him) No, no, no, no. You can't!\nYou can't! This is something that comes\nabout once in a lifetime! When we were\nboys, looking through our\n\nnoise) throw it away?!\n\nJERRY\nLook, I'm sorry-\n\nKRAMER\nNo, I'm not gonna let you do it, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, (Trying to pass him) get outta\nmy way!\n\nKRAMER\n(Frantic) No, no, no. Don't do it. Don't\ndo it! For my sake! God knows I don't\nask you for much! (Pleading) Now, come\non. Please, Jerry. Please! I'm\n\nbeggin' ya! Please! (Claps hands) Come on! Please!\n\n(A pause as Jerry thinks it over)\n\nJERRY\nAlright.. (Takes his coat off)\n\nKRAMER\nYes!\n\nJERRY\n..Alright.\n\nKRAMER\n(Moving to the window) Thank you, thank\nyou, thank you. (Sits in Jerry's chair,\nlooking out the window)\n\nJERRY\nShe's not there!\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I can wait..\n\n(Monk's Coffee shop)\n\n(Jerry and George are sitting opposite each other in a booth)\n\nJERRY\nSo the nurse was giving her a sponge\nbath?\n\nGEORGE\nEvery night at six-thirty. The nurse\nwas gorgeous.. then I got a look at\nthe patient.. (Laughs, then snorts)\nI was going nuts.\n\nJERRY\nOh, man. Well, I guess you'll be going\nback to that hospital.\n\nGEORGE\n(Fake sympathy) Well, my mother, Jerry..\n\n(Jerry nods)\n\nJERRY\n(Pointing) But are you still master\nof your domain?\n\nGEORGE\n(Arms out) I am king of the county.\nYou?\n\nJERRY\nLord of the manor.\n\n(Elaine enters and sits next to Jerry)\n\nELAINE\nJohn F. Kennedy Jun-ya!\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\n(Smiling) He was in my aerobics class.\n\nJERRY\nReally? Did you talk to him?\n\nELAINE\nNo, you don't understand - he was working\nout right in front of me. So, listen,\nafter the class was over, I timed my\nwalk to the door so we'd get there at\n\nthe exact same moment, and he says to me, (Thinking the world\nof what he said) \"Quite a workout.\"\n\nGEORGE\n\"Quite a workout\"? What did you say?\n\nELAINE\n(Smiling, proud) I said, \"yeah.\"\n\nJERRY\n(Adding, fake praise) Good one.\n\nELAINE\nSo then, listen, listen. So then, I\nshowered and I dressed, and I saw him\nagain, on the way out. (Giddy and nearly\nout of breath) So we're walkin' and\n\nAnd I said, \"Sure\" - even though I was going downtown. So, we\nget in the cab, and I mean, I have no idea where I'm goin', right?\nBut this is John F. Kennedy Junior\n\nwe're talkin' about! (Deep breath) So, then, he says to me, \"Where\ndo you live?\" And I - and I - and I was close to your block,\nso I said your building. So he\n\ndropped me off in front, (Laughs) and I had to take a cab all\nthe way back downtown to my house.. (Picks up a glass of cold\nwater and presses it up to her\n\nforehead to cool her off) Oh, God..\n\nJERRY\nBut the question is, are you still master\nof your domain?\n\nELAINE\n(Sets the glass down) I'm queen of the\ncastle. (Pops a piece of food into her\nmouth)\n\n(Estelle's hospital room)\n\n(George quickly runs in, turning around - he checks both his\nwatch and the wall clock. He smiles to himself)\n\nESTELLE\nYou're back.\n\nGEORGE\nOf course I'm back. Why wouldn't I be\nback? My mother's in the hospital, I'm\ngoing to pay her a visit.\n\nESTELLE\nI know, but two days in a row? You didn't\nhave to do this.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're my mother! What wouldn't I do\nfor you?\n\nESTELLE\nYou know what you could do? I haven't\neaten lunch or dinner. I can't eat this\nhospital food. Maybe you could run down\nto the deli and get me a\n\nsandwich..\n\nGEORGE\n(Smiling) You got it, Ma. (She smiles\nback, nodding) A little later. (George\nsits back in a nearby chair, looking\nat the divider in anticipation)\n\nESTELLE\n(Let down) Could you go now, George?\nI'm very hungry. I'm weak.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, wait a little while, Ma. What's\nthe difference?\n\nESTELLE\nI don't understand why you can't do\nthis for me!\n\nGEORGE\n(Standing up) I just got here, Ma! I'd\nlike to spend a little time with you.\n\nESTELLE\nBut if you wait, they won't let you\nback in! Visiting hours are almost over!\n\nGEORGE\nTen minutes! Here, here, (Fishes a box\nof Tic-Tacs out of his coat pocket and\ntosses them to her) Have some Tic-Tacs.\n\nESTELLE\nGet the hell outta here. (Angrily sets\nthem aside) I'm sorry you came.\n\n(Nurse enters)\n\nNURSE\n(To patient) Six-thirty. Time for your\nsponge bath.\n\n(George eagerly takes his seat, looking up at their shadows on\nthe divider)\n\nESTELLE\nGeorge.. I'm huuunnnggry!\n\nGEORGE\n(Muttering, slow) Hang on, Ma.. hang\non..\n\n(New York Health Club)\n\n(Elaine, dressed to impress, walks up to the counter. She's obviously\nlooking around for JFK Jr.)\n\nJOYCE\nHi!\n\nELAINE\nHi.\n\nJOYCE\nDid you get your hair done today?\n\nELAINE\nNo, I just, uh, fixed it.. a little\nbit. (Still looking around, she quickly\nchecks her breath)\n\nJOYCE\nYou know who - isn't here. He was in\nthe early class today. (Elaine looses\nher composure) But I think you made\nquite an impression on him yesterday.\n\nELAINE\n(Regarding herself) What? What? Who?\nMe-me-me? I made an impression? What\nimpression?\n\nJOYCE\nLet me just put this back. (Turns to\nput a stack of shorts away)\n\n(Elaine violently grabs her jacket, pulling Joyce back in her\ndirection)\n\nELAINE\nNo! No! Now! Tell me now! What did he\nsay?!\n\nJOYCE\n(Uneasy) He asked about you.\n\nELAINE\n(Ecstatic) He asked about me? John Kennedy\nasked about me?! (Hangs off the side\nof the counter, both feet in the air)\nWhat did he say?\n\nJOYCE\nHe wanted to know your situation.\n\nELAINE\n(Quick) What situation? I have a situation?\n\nJOYCE\nI-I told him you were single.\n\nELAINE\nThat was good. That was very good.\n\nJOYCE\nHe said you were just his type.\n\nELAINE\n(Frank) Okay, you tryin' to hurt me?\nAre you tryin' to hurt - you're tryin'\nto injure me, right? You're trying to\nhurt me.\n\nJOYCE\nHe also told me to tell you that he'll\nbe in your neighborhood tomorrow around\nnine o' clock - so he's gonna stop in\nfront of your building if you want to\n\ncome down and say hello.\n\n(Breathless, Elaine almost collapses)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Kramer's at the window while Jerry's on the phone with his mother,\nwatching TV)\n\nJERRY\nAlright, Ma, I'll talk to you later..\nNothing, I'm, I'm watching, uh, Tiny\nToons here, on Nickelodeon.. It's, I-I\nlike kid shows. They have a very innocent,\n\nwholesome quality. Okay, alright, I'll talk to you later. Bye.\n(Hangs up)\n\nKRAMER\n(Obviously watching the nudist across\nthe street) Oh, that's good. That's\ngood. That's very, very good. Oh, it's\nhot in there.. (Jerry looks back at\n\nKramer in envy) It's hot in there. So, just walk around a little\nbit. Don't be ashamed, don't be ashamed.. that's good, that's\ngood.. yes, yes, yes..\n\nJERRY\n(Trying to block out Kramer, he starts\nto sing along with the TV) The wheels\non the bus go round and round, round\nand round, round and round. The\n\nwheels on the bus..\n\n(Kramer joins in with Jerry, only, he has a different version)\n\nKRAMER\nThe woman across the street has nothing\non, nothing on, nothing on..\n\n(Both Kramer and Jerry continue to sing the two different versions,\ntrying to over ride the other)\n\n(George's room)\n\n(George is wide awake, staring at the ceiling. Scene cuts to\nJerry. Once again, he's restless and flings the covers off him.\nScene cuts to Kramer - he's out like a light.\n\nThe scene takes a final cut to Elaine. Foreshadowing the next\nscene, she's sound asleep too)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Jerry and George. They're bickering at each other due to the\nlack of sex)\n\nGEORGE\nAll you got is instant coffee? Why don't\nyou get some real coffee?\n\nJERRY\nI don't keep real coffee in here, I\nget my coffee on the outside! (Intercom\nbuzzes. He answers it) Yeah?!\n\nELAINE\n(Through intercom) It's Elaine.\n\nJERRY\n(Shouting) Come on up! (Opens his door\nfor Elaine)\n\nGEORGE\nWhere did you get those socks?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know.\n\nGEORGE\nI think those are my socks!\n\nJERRY\nHow are these your socks?!\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know, but those are my socks!\nI had a pair just like that with the\nblue stripe, and now I don't have them\nanymore!\n\nJERRY\n(Sarcastic) Oh, yeah, that's right,\nwell, you fell asleep one day on the\nsofa and I took them off your stinkin'\nfeet. They looked so good to me, I just\nhad to\n\nhave them!\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, well, they're my socks!\n\nJERRY\nThey're my socks!\n\n(A brief moment passes as they look at each other)\n\nGEORGE\nOh boy..\n\nJERRY\nWhat are we doing here..\n\nGEORGE\n..Oh boy.\n\nJERRY\nThis is ridiculous.\n\nGEORGE\nDo you believe this? We're fighting.\nWe're fighting.\n\nJERRY\nI haven't been myself lately. I've been\nsnapping at everybody.\n\nGEORGE\nMe too. I've been yelling at strangers\non the street.\n\n(Elaine slowly enters, shutting the door behind her)\n\nELAINE\nHello.. (Pulls a wad of bills out of\nher purse, and starts to count it up)\n\nGEORGE\n(Shocked) You caved?!\n\nJERRY\nIt's over?\n\nGEORGE\nYou're out?\n\nJERRY\nOhh-my-God. The Queen is dead.\n\n(Elaine sets the bills down on the counter)\n\nGEORGE\nI figured you'd cruise. At least through\nthe Spring.\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened?\n\nELAINE\nIt was..uh.. John-John.\n\nJERRY AND GEORGE\nOhhhhh.. John-John.\n\nJERRY\nBut you made it through the day before.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, but yesterday, he told Joyce,\nthe aerobics teacher, that he wants\nto meet me outside here at nine o' clock\ntonight.\n\nJERRY\nWhy outside here?\n\nELAINE\nBecause he think I live here. Remember\nwhen we shared a cab, and he dropped\nme off out in front? He's picking me\nup.\n\n(George picks up the money, counting it)\n\nJERRY\nAlright, Costanza - it's just you and\nme.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd then, (Smacks the money) there were\ntwo.\n\nELAINE\n(Slowly) Elaine Benes Kennedy Junior..\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Jerry and Marla are making out on the couch)\n\nMARLA\nLet's go in the bedroom.\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\nMARLA\nYes.\n\nJERRY\nYou sure?\n\nMARLA\nYes.\n\nJERRY\nYou really want to?\n\nMARLA\nI do. I'm ready.\n\nJERRY\nOkay..\n\nMARLA\nI know how difficult this must have\nbeen for you.\n\nJERRY\n(Chuckles) You don't know the half of\nit.\n\n(They both laugh slightly)\n\nMARLA\nWhat do you mean?\n\nJERRY\nWell, it's kinda silly, but..\n\n(Scene cuts to Elaine on the sidewalk waiting for JFK Jr. She\nchecks her watch. Scene cuts back to Jerry's apartment. Marla,\nobviously upset, is putting her coat\n\non)\n\nMARLA\nContest?! A contest! This is what you\ndo with your friends?\n\nJERRY\nNo, it was just a bet. I mean, it actually\nstarted with George and his mother-\n\nMARLA\nI don't want to hear another word. And\nto think how close I came to you being\nthe one! I must have been out of my\nmind.\n\n(She leaves, slamming the door. Jerry hangs his head, then directs\nhis attention to his window. Eagerly walking over, he sits in\nhis chair, staring at the woman)\n\n(Scene cuts to Elaine. Marla walks out in front of her, trying\nto hail a taxi)\n\nELAINE\nMarla? Hi, oh, I'm glad I ran into you-\n\nMARLA\nI don't want to have anything to do\nwith you or your perverted friends.\n(Confused, Elaine moves closer) Ooohh,\nget away from me! You're horrible.\n\nHorrible! All of you!\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nELAINE\nWhat happened?\n\nJERRY\nI told her about the contest.\n\nELAINE\nOhh. Boy, she's a whack-o.\n\n(George enters)\n\nGEORGE\n(To Elaine) Hey, what happened?\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nI thought you were meeting Kennedy.\n\nELAINE\n(Let down) He didn't show.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, he did.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? He's - He's out there? Oh, my\nGod. I-I gotta go, I gotta go..\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no, no. He just left.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, he was talking to Marla.\n\nJERRY\nMarla?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, I think, you know, she was, like,\ncrying, and he was consoling her, and\nthen, she, uh, just got into his car,\nand they just drove away.\n\nELAINE\n(Angered) He left with Marla, the virgin?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nThey drove away?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, drove away.. You know, I said\n'Hello' to him. You know, he's - he's-\n\nJERRY\n(Moving to the window, shocked) Oh my\nGod in heaven!\n\n(All three crowd around the window)\n\nELAINE\n(Makes a sound of surprise) Is that..?\n\nGEORGE\nKramer?!\n\n(A brief pause)\n\nELAINE\nHe's waving..\n\n(All three wave back)\n\n(Elaine's bedroom)\n\n(Elaine's sound asleep. Scene cuts to George, then Jerry. They\ntoo, are sleeping. Scene takes a cut to Kramer and the nudist\n- both asleep; then a final cut to Marla's\n\nbedroom. She's sleeping with JFK Jr)\n\nMARLA\nOhh, John. That was wonderful..\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Airport.html",
    "text": "THE AIRPORT\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry Charles\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\n...cramped seat, working on a tiny computer;\nthere's always a small problem \"There'll\nbe a slight delay, we'll be a *little*\nlate, if you could be a *little* *patient*!\nWe're just trying to get one of those\n*little* trucks to pull us up just a\n*little* closer to the jetway so you\ncan walk down the narrow hallway and\nthere'll be a man there in a tight suit\nand he'll tell you you have very little\ntime to make your connecting flight.\nSo move it!\".\n\nOpen with Jerry and Elaine in a car on their way to the airport.\nElaine is singing a poppy Jazz tune.\n\nELAINE\nBah bah baaah, Boo doo bah bah bah,\nboo doo waaaah, waah, waaaah...\n\nJERRY\nHey, could you do me a favour? (pause)\nCould you shut-up?They both chortle,\nand Jerry is hot so he's taking his\ncoat off, but Elaine refuses to take\nthe wheel and Jerry's hand gets stuck\nand before you can say \"Planes, Trains\nand Automobiles\", they collide head-on\nwith a Snapple truck....\n\nWould you believe a big purple jeep?\n\nOkay, they don't hit anything, but Jerry's hand *did* get stuck...\n\nAnyhoots, Elaine goes to roll down the window, and...\n\nELAINE\nHey guess what? This window doesn't\nwork.\n\nJERRY\nI hate rental cars. Nothin' ever works:\nthe window doesn't work,\n\nthe radio doesn't work... and it smells like a cheap hooker...\n\n(pause) Or is that you?\n\nELAINE\nGimme ten bucks and find out...\n\nJERRY\nSo, this worked out pretty good. Them\ngivin' me an extra ticket, y'know, you\nget a free trip to St. Louis, I did\nmy gig, you got to\n\nsee your sister...\n\nELAINE\nYeah, worked out good.\n\nJERRY\nAnd here's the beauty--\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nGeorge is pickin' us up at the airport.\n\nELAINE\nGet out of here! Why?\n\nJERRY\nYou know that awning outside my building?\n\nELAINE\nYeah...\n\nJERRY\nHe's always bragging about his vertical\nleap, so I bet him fifty bucks that\nhe couldn't touch the awning.\n\nELAINE\nSo what happened?\n\nJERRY\nHe didn't come within two feet of the\nthing. He's wavin at it...\n\nSo, I told him if he picks us up at the airport, he wouldn't\nhave\n\nto pay me anything.\n\nELAINE\nHey, how we doin' on time?\n\nJERRY\nTimed out perfectly. Drop off the car,\npick up the rental car shuttle, we walk\nright on the plane...\n\nOops.\n\nELAINE\nHey! Wait up!\n\nJERRY\nHey! Wait up!\n\nDRIVER\nSorry. Heh heh heh...\n\nThe driver speeds away without our heroes, and he seems pretty\nhappy about it.\n\nFinally inside, they check their luggage...\n\nSKYCAP\nWhere you goin'?\n\nJERRY\nUh, JFK. (To Elaine) I need some small\nbills for a tip. You\n\ngot anything?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, you want five?\n\nJERRY\nGimme ten.\n\nELAINE\nYou're giving him *ten* dollars?\n\nJERRY\nWell, we got three bags.\n\nELAINE\nThat's a pretty big tip...\n\nJERRY\nThat's what they get!\n\nELAINE\nThey don't get that much.\n\nJERRY\nLet's ask him.\n\nELAINE\nWe can't ask him...\n\nJERRY\nLet's see what he says.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, we don't have time for this...\n\nJERRY\nTwo seconds. (To Skycap) Excuse me,\nmy friend and I here, we were having\na discussion and we were wondering what\nyou usually get for a tip.\n\nSKYCAP\nDepends on the person, depends on the\nbag.\n\nJERRY\nUh, how about a couple of people like\nus.\n\nSKYCAP\nPeople like you? I wouldn't expect much,\nyou don't even look like\n\nyou know what you're doing...\n\nJERRY\nC'mon, seriously...\n\nSKYCAP\nWell, since you asked, usually, I get\nfive dollars a bag.\n\nWhat!?\n\nELAINE\nWhat!?\n\nSKYCAP\nThat's right.\n\n*Five* bucks a bag?\n\nELAINE\n*Five* dollars a bag? I don't think\nso.\n\nSKYCAP\nLook, you asked, I told you.\n\nELAINE\nYou got some nerve trying to take advantage\nof us...\n\nJERRY\nAll right, look, we're late. Thank you\nvery much...\n\nELAINE\nYou're lucky I don't report you...\n\nSKYCAP\nJFK...\n\nTHEN ELAINE'S\n\nSKYCAP\n...Honolulu.\n\nInside the gate, J+E are running to get to the ticket counter\nin time.\n\nELAINE\nWait up!\n\nJERRY\nYou see? Never be late for a plane with\na girl. 'Cuz a girl runs like a girl--\nwith the little steps and the arms flailing\nout... You wanna make this plane, you've\ngotta run like a man!\n\nGet your knees up!\n\nYeah, but Jerry-- she's so darned perky when she runs. Besides,\nshe's carrying luggage and you're not. Some gentleman. Hmfph.\nAnyway, they get to the ticket counter.\n\nJERRY+ELAINE\nThe flight's been canceled?!?!\n\nTICKET LADY\nEverything into JFK's booked... No,\nwait-- I have two seats\n\ninto Laguardia-- but they're not together. It's boarding right\nnow.\n\nJERRY\nWe'll take 'em!\n\nELAINE\nWe're not going to sit together?\n\nJERRY\nWell, so what? It's not that long--\nyou'll read.\n\nELAINE\nWell, what about George? He's supposed\nto pick us up at Kennedy.\n\nJERRY\nWe'll call him...\n\nELAINE\nThere's no time.\n\nJERRY\nNo time? (To ticket lady) Is there time?\n\nTLADY\nThere's no time.\n\nJERRY\nThere's no time. All right, we'll call\nhim from the plane.\n\nTLADY\nI have one seat in first class, and\none in coach. The price is the same\nsince your flight was canceled.\n\nJERRY\nI'll take the first class.\n\nELAINE\nJerry!\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nWhy should you get the first class?\n\nJERRY\nElaine, have you ever flown first class?\n\nELAINE\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nAll right then. See? You won't know\nwhat you're missing. I've\n\nflown first class, Elaine-- I can't go back to coach. I can't...\nI won't...\n\nELAINE\nYou flew here coach.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, that's a point...\n\nELAINE\nAll right, fine. I don't care. If the\nplane crashes, everybody in first class\nis going to die, anyway.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I'm sure you'll live.\n\nThey board the plane, and the flight attendant \"welcomes\" Elaine\naboard.\n\nATTENDANT #1\nThird row right...\n\nThen Mr. First class Jerry comes aboard.\n\nATTENDANT #1\nOh, you're in here, sir. Welcome aboard.\n\nJERRY\nBon voyage, Lainey!\n\nPASSENGER #1\nOh, excuse me... Um, excuse me, miss,\nI think you're\n\nsitting in my seat...\n\nElaine moves over, and he moves in. The guy's got like 5 bags\nand Data General laptop.\n\nPASSENGER #1\nI never check my bags-- I can't stand\nthat wait in the baggage area.\n\nELAINE\nGreat... (To herself) Help me...\n\nTIA\nExcuse me, I think you're in my seat...\n\nJERRY\nOh, sorry... My mistake... (To himself)\nThank... *you*!\n\nDid I mention that Tia is one hot tamale? Yikes.\n\nAnyway, we cut back to George and Kramer in the car.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, thanks for coming with me.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, what made you think you could touch\nthat awning?\n\nGEORGE\nI confused it with another awning.\n\nKRAMER\nSo how we doin' on time?\n\nGEORGE\nWe're perfect. I timed this out so we\nwould pull up at the terminal *exactly*\n17 minutes after their flight is supposed\nto land. That gives them just enough\ntime to get off the plane, pick up their\nbags and be walking *out* of the terminal\nas we roll up.\n\nI tell you, it's a thing of beauty. I can not express to you\nthe feeling I get from a perfect airport pickup.\n\nUm, George... Did you say \"perfect\"?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's going on? What are you doing?\nThe Long Island Expressway?\n\nWhat are you getting on the Long Island Expressway for? Do you\nknow what the traffic will be like? This is a suicide mission!\n\nKRAMER\nWill you relax?!\n\nGEORGE\nOh, I had it perfectly timed out: the\nGrand Central, the Van Wyck!\n\nYou destroyed my whole timing!\n\nKRAMER\nThis is the best way to go!\n\nGEORGE\nDo you know what happens if I miss him?\nI don't get credit for the pickup and\nI lose my 50 bucks...\n\nKRAMER\nGeorge, there's no traffic at this time.\nNow, come on, man...\n\nGEORGE\nReally?\n\nKRAMER\nIf anything, we'll probably get there\nearly. I'll have a chance to\n\ngo to the Duty Free shop.\n\nGEORGE\nThe Duty Free Shop? Duty Free is the\nbiggest sucker deal in retail.\n\nDo you know how much duty is?\n\nKRAMER\nDuty.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, \"duty\". Do you know how much duty\nis?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, I dunno how much duty is.\n\nGEORGE\nDuty is *nothing*. It's like sales tax...\n\nKRAMER\nI still like to stop at the duty free\nshop.\n\nGEORGE\nI like to stop at the duty free shop.\n\nG+K\nI like to stop at the duty free shop!\n\nI like to stop at the duty free shop!\n\nMeanwhile, back on the plane, Jerry and Tia are chatting (isn't\nthat always the way? You get stuck beside someone who insists\non going on and on about their kids and how their life didn't\ngo according to plan and all that boring dreck...)\n\nTIA\nSo, he says, \"squeeze your breasts together\",\nand I say, \"I thought this was an ad\nfor shoes\"...\n\nJERRY\nOh my...\n\nOkay, maybe not all conversations are dull and boring...\n\nTIA\nIs that the new Esquire? Turn to page\n146.\n\nOh yeah, did I mention he had a magazine on his lap and *that's*\nwhat she was gawking at? Anyway, he checks out page 146.\n\nJERRY\nWow! Coming out of the shower... It's\na good thing they gave you\n\nthat washcloth to cover yourself up...\n\nUm, what was that page number again?\n\nJERRY\nWhat is this an ad for?\n\nTIA\nSee those wrinkled jeans slung over\nthe chair? Way in the background, out\nof focus?\n\nJERRY\nUh-huh...\n\nIn traffic, Kramer and George are surrounded by honking cars\nand what is obviously heavy traffic...\n\nKRAMER\nHow does it look on your side? (Pause\nwhile George just stares at him) We'll\nget there...\n\nBack in, ugh, *coach* (those heathens), the annoying guy is sleeping\nbeside\n\nELAINE\nOh, look at this... He's sleeping and\nI have to go to the bathroom. Maybe\nhe'll wake up soon. What if my kidneys\nburst? Is it worth it not to wake this\nman up to damage a major organ? I hope\nthis disgusting slob appreciates what\nI'm doing for him... (To passenger on\nthe other side of her, but still to\nherself) Yeah, make a little more noise\nwith your gum-- that's helpful.\n\nGEORGE\nThey're not here! You cost me fifty\nbucks!\n\nKRAMER\nLook at you! You run like a girl! Run\nlike a man! Lift your knees!\n\nGEORGE\nLook, we're wasting our time here! We're\na half-hour late, they've probably took\nit off the board already.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, there it is, right there-- 133...\nand it's canceled.\n\nGEORGE\nCanceled? Do I still get credit for\nthe pick up? I was here!\n\nKRAMER\nOk, c'mon... let's go check over at\nthe ticket counter.\n\nGROSSBARD\nOh, there it is honey, gate 18A, 8:30...\n(He leaves)\n\nKRAMER\nDid you see that guy?\n\nGEORGE\nNo... What guy?\n\nKRAMER\nThat guy.. He was just...\n\nGEORGE\nListen, you go over to the ticket counter,\nI'm going to go stop in the gift shop\nand pick up a copy of Time magazine.\nThere's supposed to ba blurb about Jerry\nin it and I think he mentioned my name!\n\nKRAMER\n(still lost) I know that guy...\n\nY'know, he looks familiar to me, too. Reminds me of this guy\nJohn Grossbard that I knew a while back. Got me involved in one\nof those shady pyramid schemes... Man, if I ever meet up with\nhim again...\n\nPRISONER\nGotta get my Time magazine... Never\nmiss my Time magazine.\n\nGUARD\nYeah, get your magazine and let's get\nout of here.\n\nGeorge lifts the last copy from the rack before the con can get\nit.\n\nPRISONER\nHey, I was gonna take that!\n\nGEORGE\nGee, I'm sorry... I got here first.\n\nPRISONER\nI don't care when you got here, I want\nthe magazine...\n\nGEORGE\nYou don't understand, there's a *blurb*\nabout me in this magazine!\n\nPRISONER\nA *blurb*?!? *You're* a blurb! Check\nout the cover, idiot!\n\nGUARD\nAll right, let's go...\n\nGeorge checks out the cover shot which shows a picture of the\naforementioned prisoner with the caption \"Caught!\" written below.\n\nPRISONER\nI want the magazine!\n\nGEORGE\nUmm... No.\n\nPRISONER\nYou know what I would do to you, if\nI wasn't in these shackles...\n\nGEORGE\nBut you are Blanche... You *are* in\nthe shackles. Oh, I can't wait to read\nmy *Time* magazine! Laaaast copy, too.\nMaybe I'll read it tomorrow-- in the\npark! It's supposed to be a beeyootiful\nday! Have a nice life... sentence, that\nis!\n\nKramer comes into the gift shop and does a Krameresque double-take\nat \"that guy\" from the departure screen who's browsing books.\nHe goes up to\n\nGeorge.\n\nKRAMER\nThey're on a different flight. They're\nscheduled to land in a half hour, only\nat Laguardia.\n\nGEORGE\nLaguardia? All right, let's go. C'mon...\n\nKRAMER\nWhere do I know that guy from?\n\nBack in the developing nation section of the plane (coach, that\nis), Elaine is still pining for the guy next to her to wake up\nso she can go to the bathroom.\n\nELAINE\n(To herself, loudly) Wake up, you human\nslug! Wake up! *Wake*\n\n*up*!! I can't hold it anymore! (To the slug out loud) Excuse\nme, I've gotta go to the bathroom...\n\nThe cad has the nerve to look peeved, and Elaine has a hard time\ngetting out of her seat. She looks a little like Kramer stumbling\nand falling into the aisle. The capper is that as she's getting\nup, facing the row of seats (and their staring sitters) across\nfrom her, Elaine makes faces at them like she's a homicidal maniac\nfrom \"Taxi Driver\". You can just see the words \"You lookin' at\n*me*?\" etched in her brain. It's a killer.\n\nAnyway, as Elaine scurries off to the bathroom, Jerry and Tia\nare enjoying some hot towels on their faces.\n\nJERRY\nOh my... that *is* refreshing...\n\nATTENDANT\nWould you care for some slippers?\n\nJERRY\nSounds lovely! (To Tia, motioning to\nput them on her) May I?\n\nTIA\nPlease!\n\nJERRY\nWhy, It's a perfect fit. You must be\nCinderella.\n\nThey chortle to themselves and tink glasses (no, that's not a\ncleverly- masked euphemism). Back in the car...\n\nGEORGE\nMy name is not mentioned in this blurb...\n\nDing!\n\nKRAMER\nIt's Grossbard!\n\nWhy don't these people listen to me? I don't understand...\n\nGEORGE\nWho's Grossbard?\n\nKRAMER\nWhen I lived on Third avenue and 18th\nstreet 20 years ago, I had this roommate\nwho was *always* behind in his rent.\nThen one month,\n\nhe asks me to loan him his share of the rent-- 240 bucks! He\ntook the cash and )pfffft( disappears. Well, I try to find him,\nI went\n\nto his girlfriend's house, even his family. Uh-uh. I never got\nthe money back! He screwed me! And that's the guy-- John Grossbard!\n\nGEORGE\nHey Kramer, c'mon-- it was 240 bucks\ntwenty years ago...\n\nKRAMER\nNo, I'm gonna turn around... I'm gonna\nget that guy...\n\nGEORGE\nNo-no-no, Kramer. Kramer! Kramer! You\n*cannot* abandon people in the middle\nof an airport pickup! It's a binding\nsocial contract.\n\nWe... we must go forward... not back.\n\nGeorge, that's beautiful. Ever thought of running for office?\n\nJERRY\nTia, did you see all the flowers in\nthat bathroom? It's like an English\ngarden in there.\n\nATTENDANT\nThey're gardenias, mostly.\n\nJERRY\nI thought I smelled lilac.\n\nATTENDANT\nYes, there are a few of those, too...\n\nTIA\nIt's almost overwhelming...\n\nCAPTAIN\nLadies and gentlemen, this is your captain\nspeaking. Due to equipment problems\nat the runway at Laguardia, we've been\n\ninstructed by the tower to re-route and land at JFK. We apologize\nfor any inconvenience...\n\nELAINE\n(To anyone who'll listen) What'd he\nsay? What'd he say?\n\nBack to George and Kramer at Laguardia; George has been inside\nto see if J+E are there, he reports his findings back to Kramer\nin the car.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, You're not gonna believe it...\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nThe plane's been re-routed *back* to\nKennedy. We've got 45 minutes.\n\nKRAMER\nLet's go. Listen to the bell, Grossbard--\nit tolls for thee.\n\nKramer peels out. He's on a mission from God.\n\nATTENDANT\nWe have some *delicious* Chateau Briande,\nmy personal favourite.\n\nOr, if you prefer something lighter, a poached Dover sole in\na delicate white wine sauce with just a *hint* of saffron.\n\nJERRY\nOh, saffron! That sounds good.\n\nATTENDANT\nAnd today we're featuring wines from\nthe *Tuscany* region...\n\nJERRY+TIA\nTuscany!\n\nThey do that \"tink\" thing again, and we rejoin Elaine going back\nto her seat, but the other attendant is serving the slop to the\nunwashed masses\n\nin coach and he's in her way.\n\nELAINE\nHi. Can I get to my seat?\n\nATTENDANT\nYou're just gonna have to wait...\n\nELAINE\nBut you just passed it. I'm sitting\nright there next to that guy...\n\nATTENDANT\nYou're not supposed to get up during\nthe food service.\n\nELAINE\nWell, nobody *told* me that!\n\nATTENDANT\nLook. This plane is *full*. I got a\nlot of people to serve.\n\nNow please... You're just gonna have to wait.\n\nBack at JFK, George and Kramer check out the Arrivals board (again)...\n\nGEORGE\nThere it is. Gate 46... We got plenty\nof time.\n\nKRAMER\nGrossbard's plane leaves in ten minutes.\nI *still* got time to\n\ncatch him!\n\nGEORGE\nHow you gonna catch him? He's probably\nboarded the plane already.\n\nKRAMER\nGimme your credit card.\n\nGEORGE\nMy credit card?\n\nKRAMER\nJust gimme the card, don't ask me any\nquestions.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm not gonna give you my card unless\nyou tell me what it's for!\n\nKRAMER\nI'm gonna buy a ticket-- I'm gonna get\non that flight.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, are you, nuts? You're gonna spend\nmore on the ticket than you're gonna\nget back from Grossbard.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, I'm not gonna use the ticket! I'm\ngonna get my money, I'll get\n\noff the plane and turn your ticket in for a refund. It's not\ngonna cost you a dime! Now gimme the card.\n\nGEORGE\nThis is a *great* idea! Here... use\nthis one. I get frequent flyer\n\nmiles with every purchase... Wait! Get two tickets. As long as\n\nyour turning it in for a refund what's the difference? I'll get\n*double* the bonus miles.\n\nBack in *coach* (I get hives just thinking about it), Elaine\nreturns to her\n\nseat now that the attendant is done serving.\n\nELAINE\nExcuse me. I'm sorry to make you do\nthis, but I got stuck in the aisle and\nthe flight attendant wouldn't let me\nget through.\n\nThere's no way to get around that cart...\n\nPASSENGER 1\nYou're not supposed to get up during\nthe food service.\n\nELAINE\nI'll try and remember that. (Pause)\nWhere's my meal?\n\nPASSENGER 1\nHe asked me where you were, and you\nwere gone so long I thought you, uh,\nswitched seats.\n\nUh-huh... Elaine addresses the nearby attendant.\n\nELAINE\nExcuse me? Excuse me, but I didn't get\na meal.\n\nATTENDANT\nAre you sure?\n\nELAINE\nYes, I'm sure! I would know if a tray\nof food had been served to me.\n\nATTENDANT\nWould you?\n\nOoooh, them's fightin' words, Monroe.\n\nATTENDANT\nWell, the only meal left is a kosher\nmeal.\n\nELAINE\nKosher meal? I don't want a kosher meal.\nI don't even know what a kosher meal\nis.\n\nPASSENGER 1\nI think it means when a Rabbi has inspected\nit, or something.\n\nPASSENGER 2\nNo, no. It all has to do with the way\nthey kill the pig.\n\nPASSENGER 1\nThey don't eat pigs!\n\nPASSENGER 2\nThey do if it's killed right-- under\na Rabbi's supervision.\n\nUmmmm, sure. Another (uncredited) passenger addresses the debate\nfrom somewhere out of camera range.\n\nPASSENGER 3\nOh, You know what? *I* ordered the kosher\nmeal.\n\nELAINE\nThen why didn't you take it?\n\nPASSENGER 3\nI ordered it six weeks ago, I forgot.\n\nELAINE\nYou're eating my food!\n\nATTENDANT\nLook, I got earplugs to collect. Do\nyou want it, or not.\n\nTake the food, Elaine. But ask that guy just what the heck a\nkosher meal is-- I'm curious...\n\nMeanwhile, Jerry and Tia enjoy a nummy-lookin' dessert treat.\n\nJ+T\nMmmmmmmm!\n\nTIA\nThis is the best sundae I've ever had.\n\nJERRY\nOh, man. You know what... they got the\nfudge on the bottom-- y'see?\n\nThat enables you to control your fudge distribution as you're\neatin' your ice cream.\n\nTIA\nI've never met a man who knew so much\nabout nothing.\n\nJERRY\nThank you...\n\nJ+T\nMmmmmm!\n\nWe get a quick shot of Elaine staring at *something* on the end\nof her fork\n\nATTENDANT\nMore anything?\n\nJERRY\nMore everything!\n\nDoes that include Rabbi-slaughtered bovines?\n\nBack at JFK...\n\nKRAMER\nLook, I got Super Savers! C'mon.\n\nGEORGE\nSuper Savers? Are they refundable!?\n\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nYou bought non-refundable tickets, you\nidiot!\n\nKRAMER\nShe talked me in to it-- she said it\nwas the best deal.\n\nGEORGE\nDo you know how much this is going to\ncost me?\n\nKRAMER\nLook, I'll tell you what-- I'll split\nit with you\n\nHow big of you, you brute. They board the plane.\n\nGEORGE\nLook, I'm gonna go to the bathroom...\n\nI dunno, George. Those *coach* bathrooms stink. Just ask Elaine.\n\nKramer goes forward and confronts Grossbard. For his part, Grossbard\ndoesn't seem to recognise Kramer from twenty years ago (then\nagain, he apparently had short hair at the time). After trying\nin vain to reach Grossbard's wallet, Kramer is escorted off the\nplane. Before this can take place, George knocks on the bathroom\ndoor to a reply of \"Just a minute\" from the occupant inside (I\nbet he stinks). Anyway, the door opens and, surprise! It's the\nPrisoner without his Time magazine (at least now we know why\nhe needed it so badly-- reading material for the john). Anyway,\nthe guy pulls George into the bathroom (he's still wearing his\ncuffs and shackles, BTW (that's got to make it rather difficult\nto go to the bathroom, but I digress)). So, while George is in\nthe can with the serial killer, Kramer is escorted off the plane.\nDon't worry-- the plane isn't moving yet. And what's up with\ngoing to the bathroom on a non-moving plane? Isn't there laws\nagainst that? Or is it just trains that you have to wait until\nthey're moving? Who really cares, anyway?\n\nATTENDANT\nExcuse me... Excuuuse me...\n\nELAINE\nWhat? Oh, no... nothing for me thanks.\n\nATTENDANT\nWhat is your name?\n\nELAINE\nElaine Benes?\n\nATTENDANT\n(Checks her list) You're going to have\nto go back to coach.\n\nELAINE\nNo, but there was nobody sitting here...\n\nATTENDANT\nYes, but you're still not allowed. These\nseats are very expensive.\n\nELAINE\nOh, no, please, don't send me back there.\nPlease, I'll do anything. It's so nice\nup here. It's so comfortable up here.\nI don't want to go back there. Please\ndon't send me back there... (She notices\nanother attendant offering goods)\n\nOh, you got *cookies*!\n\nATTENDANT\nYou're going to have to go back to your\nseat!\n\nELAINE\nOk, fine. I'll go back... You know,\nour goal should be a society *without*\n*classes*! (She goes through the curtain\nto,ick, *coach*) Do you realise that\nthe people up here are getting *cookies*!\n\nThe outburst has awoken Jerry and Tia who are sharing a blanket\nand napping (at least, that's what I *think* they're doing under\nthat big, blue blanket...)\n\nJERRY\nWhat is all the racket back there? You\nknow, you're trying to relax on the\nplane and this is what you have to put\nup with.\n\n(To attendant) What is going on?\n\nATTENDANT\nSir, this woman tried to *sneak* into\nfirst class.\n\nJERRY\nOh, you see, that's terrible. The problem\nis, that curtain is no security-- there\nreally should be a locking door.\n\nElectrified, with a moat if possible. They return to snuggling...\n\nKRAMER\nHey! That guy owes me 240 bucks!\n\nNo good. He breaks free and makes a run for it and seemingly\nescapes.\n\nMeanwhile, Jerry is getting ready for deboarding and he glances\nout the window only to see a rather harried Kramer running, arms\nflailing out on the runway. He takes a second look, just to be\nsure.\n\nJERRY\nCouldn't be...\n\nAfter they get off the plane, J+E look for the boys and get their\nbaggage\n\nhow would they know Kramer was there,\ntoo? They didn't get a hold of George\non the phone, or he would've went to\nLaguardia in the first\n\nplace...)\n\nJERRY\nWhere are they already? I don't see\nthem anywhere...\n\nWell, George is being raped in a bathroom and Kramer is still\non the lam somewhere in the airport...\n\nJERRY\nI got my bags, I'm ready to go.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, *you* got *your* bags...\n\nIn Honolulu, Elaine's bag appears to be having a good time, revolving\naround the baggage thingy, complete with lei...\n\nELAINE\nThe worst flight I have been on in my\nentire life.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, me too...\n\nHe seems so sincere. Tia walks by, along with an entourage of\nphotographers.\n\nTIA\nI'll call you.\n\nJERRY\nOkay... (To a bamboozled Elaine) It's\na business thing...\n\nEnter the K-man through the ramp where the baggage comes out--\nyou didn't expect a whole episode to go by without a \"Kramer\nentrance\", did you?\n\nKRAMER\nYou guys ready?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Where's George?\n\nGEORGE\n\nWell, you can't hear him through the window, but he is definitely\nshouting\n\n\"KRAMER!\"\n\nJERRY\nBut I have to admit, I like flying.\nI like those little bathrooms that they\nhave on the plane. It's kind of like\na small apartment of your own on the\nplane. You go in, you close the door,\nthe light comes on. It's like a small\nsurprise party every time you go in\nthere. The worst way of flying, I think\nis \"standby\", you ever fly standby?\nIt never works, you know, that's why\nthey call it standby--\n\nyou stand there going \"Bye!\" So I was on this flight where the\nflight attendant-- it was her first day on the job so they didn't\nhave a uniform for her yet, and that really... makes a big difference,\n\nI mean this is just some regular person coming over to you going\n\"Would you mind bringing your seat back all the way up?\" It's\nlike, \"Who the Hell are you?!\"\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Pick.html",
    "text": "THE PICK\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nGEORGE\nI loved her Jerry, I loved her.\n\nJERRY\nNo, you didn't.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd she loved me. Hoo, ho, she really\ndid.\n\nJERRY\nNo she didn't.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat am I going to do now? I can't live\nwithout Susan. I gotta get her back.\nHow? How, am I gonna get her back?\n\nELAINE\n(OC) Not only didn't you love her, you\ndidn't even like her.\n\nGEORGE\nWho says?\n\nELAINE\nYou did.\n\nGEORGE\nAh, ...A beautiful successful intelligent\nwoman's in love with me and I throw\nit all away. uh oh boy. Now I'll spend\nthe rest of my life living alone. I'll\nsit in my disgusting little apartment\nwatching basketball games, eating Chinese\ntake out. Walking around with no underwear.\nBecause I'm too lazy to do a laundry.\n\nJERRY\nYou walk around with no underwear?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, what do you do when you run out\nof laundry?\n\nJERRY\nI do a wash.\n\nGEORGE\nWho am I going to meet who is better\nthan her? No one, Jerry. No one's better\nthan her.\n\nJERRY\nWhen you were with her you said you\ncouldn't stand her.\n\nGEORGE\nI loved her!\n\nJERRY\nYou said goin up the steps of her apartment\nwas like being taken to a cell.\n\nGEORGE\nI would give anything to be going up\nthose stairs again.\n\nGEORGE\nI gotta call her. Should I call her?\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, I don't know if that is such\na good idea?\n\nGEORGE\nWhyie?\n\nJERRY\nYou need some professional advice. Why\ndon't you go see Elaine's friend? She's\na therapist.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm not going to see that nut doctor\nshe went to Europe with.\n\nJERRY\nNo, no no (Elaine enters, flossing teeth)\nElaine what's the name of that friend\nof yours ... that's a therapist ...\nthe woman.\n\nELAINE\nDana Folley.\n\nJERRY\nRight, Dana Folley.\n\nGEORGE\nShe any good?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, she's terrific. Why? You thinking\nof going?\n\nGEORGE\nWa, uh, ...\n\nELAINE\nTia? Who's that?\n\nJERRY\nShe's the model I met on the plane.\n\nELAINE\nShe sent you a Christmas card?\n\nJERRY\nUm uh. And we're going out Saturday\nnight.\n\nGEORGE\nMy Darling Susan! My DARLING!!!\n\n(They ignore George)\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you doing?\n\nELAINE\n... date with Fred.\n\nJERRY\nThe religious guy?\n\nELAINE\nHe's not THAT religious.\n\nJERRY\nLet us pray.\n\n(Kramer Enters)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, you got any Double Crunch?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, should I call Susan?\n\nKRAMER\nNow what does the little man inside\nyou say? See you gotta listen to the\nlittle man.\n\nGEORGE\nMy little man doesn't know.\n\nKRAMER\nThe little man knows all.\n\nGEORGE\nMy little man's an idiot.\n\nELAINE\nSee, she was clever. You know she put\nher picture on a card. I should do that.\nI never do anything like that.\n\nKRAMER\nYou want a picture like that on a Christmas\ncard? I can do that for you. ...\n\nGEORGE\nShe kept such a nice clean apartment.\nShe was so sanitary.\n\nELAINE\nNo, no, I was just thinking out loud\nI don't want my picture on a card.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, I'll take your picture. I'll\ntake care of everything.\n\nGEORGE\nShe made a big breakfast every Sunday.\nI don't know what she put in those eggs.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, ... now, you come on over.\nI'll have my cereal and I'll take your\npicture.\n\nELAINE\nReally? Can you really take a picture?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, he's good. He takes good pictures.\nHe's got equipment over there.\n\nELAINE\nAll right, ha ha\n\nKRAMER\nI don't know about that outfit though.\n\nELAINE\nWhy? What's wrong with it?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, we'll have to improvise.\n\n(Elaine and Kramer exit)\n\nGEORGE\n(singing) Oh hey, if you happen to see\nthe most beautiful girl who walked out\non me. Tell her I'm sorry. Tell her\nI need my baby ... oh won't you tell\nher ... I love her. Oh hey, ...\n\nJERRY\nGeorge I'm afraid I'm going to have\nto ask you to leave.\n\n(Change of Scne Tia at Jerry's)\n\nJERRY\nSo, I'm thinking of putting in na tropical\nfish tank right here.\n\nTIA\nAre you sure you're ready for that kind\nof comitment?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I figure if it doesn't work out\nI can always flush them down the toilet.\n\nTIA\nThat's horrible!\n\nJERRY\nWhat's that perfume you're wearing?\n\nTIA\noh I completely forgot I want you to\nsee this. The CALVIN KLEIN ad I was\ntelling you about came out today.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is that smell?\n\nTIA\nIt's here somewhere.\n\nJERRY\nIt smells like the beach.\n\nTIA\nExactly.\n\nJERRY\nOh my God is that the new perfume?\n\nTIA\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nI can't believe this. My next door neighbour\nhad the idea for this exact perfume\nlast year. He even met with an executive\nat CALVIN KLEIN. I can't believe they\nstole his idea.\n\nTIA\nAre you sure?\n\nJERRY\nAnd you're the model for this perfume?\n\n(Noise)\n\nJERRY\nUh, that's him. He just came home. ...\nUh, the door (Jerry pushes his door\nagainst Kramer's entrance)\n\nKRAMER\nHey\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, how ya' doing? (Trying to enter)\n\nJERRY\nYeah, uh, I'll see you later.\n\nKRAMER\nI just wanted to borrow your Dust Buster.\n\nJERRY\nAll right come on in. ... Just wait\nover HERE! Just wait here and I'll get\nit for you. ... Kramer this is Tia.\n\nKRAMER\nHello.\n\n(Jerry pushes tia back away from Kramer)\n\nKRAMER\nHow tall are you?\n\nTIA\nFive ten.\n\nKRAMER\nCome on lets see - Back to Back.\n\nJERRY\nNO! Kramer!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat's the matter with you? I just wanted\nto see how tall she was.\n\nJERRY\nOh, you're tall - she's tall I'm tall.\nWhat's the difference who's tall. We're\nall tall.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat's that?\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nThat smell. What's that smell?\n\nJERRY\n(starting the Dust Buster) What smell?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's very familiar. I can't put my finger\non it. It's very familiar.\n\nJERRY\nOh, they're all the same. Here. (gives\nhim Dust Buster) Now if you'll excuse\nus, ..\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, okay, So I'll see you tomorrow\nuh?\n\nJERRY\nOkay.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Nice meeting you.\n\nTIA\nNice meeting you too.\n\nJERRY\nI'll see you later.\n\n(Kramer slowly leaves as Jerry shuts door on him)\n\nJERRY\nOoow, that was close.\n\nKRAMER\n(OC) THE BEACH!!!\n\n(enters)\n\nKRAMER\nYou smell like the beach. What's the\nname of that perfume? you're wearing.\n\nTIA\nIt's Ocean by CALVIN KLEIN.\n\nKRAMER\nCALVIN KLEIN? No, no. That's my idea.\nThey, they stole my idea. Y' see I had\nthe idea of a cologne that makes you\nsmell like you just came from the beach.\n\nJERRY\nI know look at this (shows ad)\n\nKRAMER\nWhooo, ... That's you! What is going\non here? The gyp(?) he laughs at me\nthen he steals my idea. I could have\nbeen a millionaire. I could have been\na fragrance millionaire, Jerry. ...\nThey're not going to get away with this.\n\n(End of scene)\n\n(Therapist's Office)\n\n(George enters)\n\nDANA\nHello. George, come in. Come in I've\nheard an awful lot about you. Please\nsit down.\n\nGEORGE\nWell hello. Um, ah, specifically the\nreason that I'm here, uh, I don't know\nuh what Elaine told you but uh I broke\nup with my girlfriend a couple of weeks\nago. Actually she broke up with me (struggling\nwith his coat zipper) and uh, well,\nI was the cause of it and uh, I just\nwanted to find out from you ... What's\nwith this thing?\n\nDANA\nSo uh, she broke up with you? ...\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, and, ... Why won't this go down?\n\nDANA\nIt's all right don't worry about it.\nSo, why did she break up with you?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat is with this damn zipper?\n\nDANA\nIt doesn't matter. You'll fix it later.\nTell me about your girlfriend.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's stuck on a piece of cloth here.\nI can't get the cloth out.\n\nDANA\nIt doesn't matter, so ...\n\nGEORGE\nThis is a brand new jacket. Boy this\nreally burns me up, ...\n\nDANA\nGeorge, George, look at me. Okay, forget\nabout the zipper. ... What's your girlfriend's\nname?\n\nGEORGE\n... Susan.\n\nDANA\nOkay, we're getting somewhere.\n\nGEORGE\nUH, ha ha, ... It's just SO frustrating.\nIt's a brand new jacket.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nELAINE\nAnyway so Fred and I are going to do\nsome volunteer work for that Church\non Amsterdam.\n\nJERRY\nOh, volunteer work!. See that's what\nI like about the holiday season. That's\nthe true spirit of Christmas. People\nbeing helped by people other than me.\nThat makes me feel good inside. Look\nat what we have here. (mail). A Christmas\ncard from Laine. You didn't have to\ngo to all that trouble.\n\nELAINE\nIt was no trouble. My assistant did\nthe whole thing.\n\nJERRY\nI didn't even see the picture. How did\nit come out?\n\nELAINE\nWell, you know. It's a picture?\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah. Look at that. Looks good. Kramer\ndid a good job.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, well. How hard is it to take a\npicture?\n\nJERRY\n... um ...\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nDid you look at look at this picture\ncarefully?\n\nELAINE\nCarefully?\n\nJERRY\nBecause I'm not sure and and and correct\nme if I'm wrong but I think I see ...\na nipple.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nHere. Take a look. What, what is that?\n\nELAINE\n(gasps) Oh my God! That's my nipple.\n\nJERRY\nThat's what I thought.\n\nELAINE\nThat's my nipple. My nipple's exposed.\nI sent this card to hundreds of people!\nMy parents. My boss. Uh, Nana and Papa.\n\nJERRY\nDIDN'T YOU LOOK AT THE PICTURE?\n\nELAINE\nOh God I didn't notice. Oh, what am\nI going to do? You know your whole life\nyou go through painstaking efforts to\nhide your nipple and then BOOM, suddenly\nhundreds of people get their own personal\nshot of it.\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nHey!\n\nELAINE\nHave you seen the card?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat card?\n\nELAINE\nThis car.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah. Of course. I took it.\n\nELAINE\nWell did you notice anything unusual\nabout it?\n\nKRAMER\nNo.\n\nELAINE\nWell come here and take a look.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, so?\n\nELAINE\nSo, what's that?\n\nKRAMER\nThat's a nipple.\n\nELAINE\nRight!!\n\nKRAMER\nOoo!\n\nELAINE\nAw, great!? Didn't you see that?\n\nKRAMER\nAw, no, no I didn't notice it. no, uh,\n\nELAINE\nIt's because you made me wear that stupid\nshirt.\n\nJERRY\nWell, maybe no one noticed it. You didn't\nnotice it. Let me go get Newman. We'll\nsee if he sees it.\n\nELAINE\nNo. I don't want him looking.\n\nJERRY\nOh what's the difference. Everybody\nelse you know has it.\n\nELAINE\nOh my God. I sent one to the super in\nmy building. My mailman. My ten year\nold little nephew. Sister Mary Catherine.\nFather Chelios. Oh my God Fred! I sent\none to Fred.\n\n(Jerry enters with Newman)\n\nNX\nOkay. What is it?\n\nJERRY\nTake a look at this card. Tell me if\nyou notice anything unusual about it.\n\nNX\nYour nipple's showing.\n\nJERRY\nOkay. Thanks.\n\nNX\nAnything else?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nNX\nAll right. See you later.\n\nJERRY\nWhat? So what? It's a nipple. A little\nround circular protuberance. What's\nthe big deal? See everybody's got them.\nSee I got them.\n\nKRAMER\nI got them too.\n\nJERRY\nEverybody's got them.\n\n(Therapist's Office)\n\nDANA\nYou see it's kind of got a little piece\nof cloth that's slipped underneath and\nit's ...\n\nGEORGE\nPull it up a little bit.\n\nDANA\nUhg. Well you hold it. Wait, uh, Damn\nIt! I can't move it. God, I've never\nseen a zipper so stubborn. DAMN IT!\nI almost had it.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, okey, wait wait. That will separate.\n\nDANA\nNo. Let me try...\n\nGEORGE\nTake it right off the chest...\n\nDANA\nUgh, ..\n\nGEORGE\nYou're gonna rip it. You're gonna rip\nit.\n\nDANA\nYEAH!! UGH!!! ARG!!! ... I am afraid\nwe're going to have to stop.\n\nGEORGE\nOkay. Uh, my mother is is going to pay\nfor the sessions. ... Oh,Elaine?\n\nDANA\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\n(stares at card)\n\n(Jerry's car - BMW)\n\n(Jerry scratching right side of nose. Tia in a cab sees him,\nin shock. Cab pulls away.)\n\nJERRY\nNo, No, No, No, Oh, No.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\n(Jerry hanging up phone)\n\nJERRY\nWell every day for the past four days\nshe hasn't returned one call.\n\nGEORGE\nWas it a scratch or a pick?\n\nJERRY\nIt was a scratch.\n\nGEORGE\nHey. It's me.\n\nJERRY\nDon't you think I know the difference\nbetween a pick and a scratch?\n\n(Buzzer)\n\nJERRY\nYeah?\n\nELAINE\n(OC) It's me.\n\nJERRY\nCome on up.\n\nGEORGE\nWas there any nostril penetration?\n\nJERRY\nThere may have been some incidental\npenetration. But from her angle she\nwas in no position to make the call.\n\nGEORGE\nSo let's say in her mind she witnessed\na pick. Okay, so then what?\n\nJERRY\nIs that so unforgivable? Is that like\nbreaking a commandment? Did God say\nto Moses thou shalt not pick?\n\nGEORGE\nI guarantee you that Moses was a picker.\nYou wander throughh the desert for forty\nyears with that dry air. ... You telling\nme you're not going to have occasion\nto clean house a little bit.\n\nJERRY\nLet me ask you something. If you were\ngoing out with somebody and if she did\nthat what would, would you do? Would\nyou continue going out with her?\n\nGEORGE\nNo. That's disgusting!\n\n(Elaine enters)\n\nELAINE\nYou cannot believe what I'm going through.\nThat card is plastered all over the\noffice. Everybody is calling me, Nip!\n... Yeah. That's my new nickname at\nthe office. Nip! These guys keep asking\nme out for drinks. Not only that, Fred,\nyou know the guy I told you about? He\nhasn't called me in three days. ...\n(sees card) Oh please!\n\nGEORGE\nHey. How come I didn't get a Christmas\ncard? Everybody else got one. Jerry\ngot one, Kramer got one. I thought we\nwere good friends. I don't get a Christmas\ncard. I don't get it.\n\nELAINE\nYou want a Christmas card? You want\na Christmas card? All right here. (rubs\nGeorge's head on her breasts) Here's\nyour Christmas card.\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nGot any Double Crunch?\n\nJERRY\nyeah. I think I do.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat's that perfume?\n\nELAINE\nWhat, Ocean.\n\nKRAMER\nThat's mine. That's my smell. Jerry\nyou've got to get that model to get\nme an appointment with CALVIN KLEIN.\n\nJERRY\nI can't She won't return my calls because\nshe caught me in a pick at a light.\n\nKRAMER\nI thought you said it was a scratch.\n\nJERRY\nBut that's not what she thinks.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy don't you call her agency. Maybe\nshe's been out of town and she didn't\nget the calls.\n\nJERRY\nAll right. I'll call the agency. (Elaine\ngrabs card from George) Hello. Yes,\nI'm trying to get in touch with Tia\nVan Camp. Do you know if she's been\nin town? She's been in town. Oh really.\nwell thank you very much. (hangs up)\nShe has been in town. She's at CALVIN\nKLEIN's right now.\n\nKRAMER\nLet's go.\n\n(Monk's)\n\nGEORGE\nIt'll be different this time.\n\nSUSAN\nI need someone a little more stable.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm not stable? I'm like a rock. I take\nthese glasses off, you can't tell the\ndifference between me and a rock. I\nput these glasses on a rock. You know\nwhat jumps into most people's minds?\nCostanza!\n\nSUSAN\nPeople don't change.\n\nGEORGE\nI change I change. Two weeks ago I tried\na soft boiled egg. Never liked it before.\nNow I'm dunkin a piece of toast in there\nand I'm loving it.\n\nSUSAN\nI'm not a soft boiled egg.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd I am not a piece of toast.\n\nSUSAN\nI just don't think we have anything\nin common.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's okay. That's good. You think\nLouie Pasteur and his wife had anything\nin common? He was in the fields all\nday with the cows, you know with the\nmilk, examining the milk, delving into\nmilk, consummed with milk. Pasteurization,\nHomogenization, She was in the kitchen\nkilling cockroaches with a boot on each\nhand.\n\nSUSAN\nWhy were there so many cockroaches?\n\nGEORGE\nBecause. There was a lot of cake lying\naround the house. Just sitting there\ngoing with all the excess milk from\nall the experiments (grins)\n\nSUSAN\nAnd they got along?\n\nGEORGE\nYes! Yes. You know. She didn't know\nabout Pasteurization. He didn't know\nanout Fumigation. But they made it work!\n\n(Trump Towers)\n\nKRAMER\nI want to talk to Calvin.\n\nSECRETARY\nYou can't go in there.\n\nKRAMER\nLet me talk to Calvin.\n\n(Kramer enters office)\n\nTIA\nKramer?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, uh.\n\nCALVIN KLEIN\nWho are you?\n\nKRAMER\nI'm here to talk about the ocean.\n\nCALVIN KLEIN\nOh, yes kramer. I uh, think I know something\nabout this. Will you excuse us Tia?\n(Tia leaves)\n\nKRAMER\nNow I don't want any trouble Calvin.\n\nCALVIN KLEIN\nNeither do I.\n\n(Outside office)\n\nJERRY\nHello there you are.\n\nTIA\nWhat are you doing here?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I had to talk to you - I noticed\nyou haven't been returning my calls.\n\nTIA\nWell, I've been busy.\n\nJERRY\nBecause I - I thought we had a good\ntime the other night, an' the only explanation\nI can come up with is that you think\nthat you caught me (flustered, he\n\nindicates a nose pick)\n\nTIA\n(Waving him off) I'd rather not talk\nabout this..\n\nJERRY\nBut I was clearly on the outer edge\nof the nostril.\n\nTIA\nI know what I saw. (Turns toward the\nelevators)\n\nJERRY\nBut there - but there was no pick! I\n- I did not pick! There ws no piick!\n\nTIA\nI gotta go. (Quickly walks away from\nJerry)\n\nJERRY\nNo! No pick!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nCalvin Klein's office)\n\n(Kramer, standing, is talking with Klein)\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, now here's the scoop, Jockey.\nI, uh, I came in here last January to\ntalk to one of your ffflunkies..\n\nKLEIN\n(Reflecting on Kramer) Interesting face..\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.. And, um, when I told him my idea\nabout the beach cologne, you know, he\n- he laughed at me.\n\nKLEIN\nYou're very lithe, aren't you? Very\ngraceful.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, yeah.\n\nKLEIN\nSit down, eh? (Kramer, misjudging one\nside of the couch, sits down uncomfortably)\nYou're very lean, but muscular..\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, I try to take care of myself.\nI - I watch what I eat. Ah, just recently\nI cut out fructose.\n\nKLEIN\nYou're spectacular.\n\nKRAMER\n(Flattered) Oh?\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nElaine's office)\n\n(Elaine's fighting with her boyfriend, Fred, about her Christmas\ncard)\n\nELAINE\nI told you, Fred - my friend's next\ndoor neighbor took it.\n\nFRED\n(Incredulous) Soo - what happened?!\n\nELAINE\nWell, I-I-I must a missed a button.\nI forgot to button it.\n\nFRED\nI really don't see how you could miss\na button like that.\n\nELAINE\nOh, you've never missed a button?! (Phone\nrings, she puts it on speakerphone)\nYeah?..\n\nRECEPTIONIST\nYour sister, Gail.\n\nELAINE\nOh, God - my nephew. (Picks up the phone\nand hits the button) Hi, Gail!.. Yu..\nyu... Yes, Gail, I know how old he is.\n\nCO-WORKER\n(Pokes his head into the doorway) Hey,\nNip, ya need that manuscript or can\nI take it home?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, take it! Take it!.. An' stop calling\nme \"Nip\"! (Co-worker takes it and quickly\nleaves. Elaine goes back to the phone)\nIt was an accident! Well..\n\nwell.. it's gotta be somewhere. Look under his mattress.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nSusan's apartment building)\n\n(George and Susan are slowly making their way up the stars to\nSusan's apartment. He's treating it very much like the long walk\nto an execution; she's mellow and\n\nhappy)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nCalvin Klein's office)\n\n(A couple people are sitting with Klein, and talking. Kramer\nis no where in sight)\n\nWOMAN\nAbout the focus group? I had nothing\nto do with the focus group. What's your\npoint? (She sees Kramer emerge from\nanother room. He's wearing only\n\ndress shoes, socks, and his briefs) My.. he's sexual, athletic..\nan' without a trace of self-consciousness!\n\nKLEIN\nHis buttocks are sublime!\n\nMAN\nOf course, his pectorals could use a\nlittle work - I suppose we could get\nhim into the weight room.\n\nWOMAN\n(Mesmerized with Kramer's body) No,\nlet's get him in the studio today. We\ncan send these out immediately.\n\n(Kramer casually puts his hand on the wall, attempting to lean\non it, but the corner is rounded, and he slides along it, eventually\nfalling down. Fortunately, the other\n\npeople don't notice - they're talking amongst themselves)\n\nMAN\nYou've done it again, C.K.!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nCalvin Klein office building)\n\n(In a hallway, Tia and others are waiting for the elevator. Jerry,\ndeciding to make a speach, starts to preach to the crowd)\n\nJERRY\nAn' what if I did do it? Even though\nI admit to nothing, and never will.\nWhat does that make me? And I'm not\nhere just defending myself but all those\n\nPickers out there who've been caught. (Elevator doors open) Each\nan' every one of them, who has to suffer the shame and humiliation\nbecause of people like you..\n\n(Everyone but Jerry is now in the elevator. Jerry's still addressing\nthem) Are we not human?! If we pick, do we not bleed?! (Elevator\ndoors shut. A few people in the\n\nhallway are looking at him, he turns and addresses them) I am\nnot an animal!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nElaine's office)\n\n(Elaine's standing in the doorway, yelling at Fred)\n\nELAINE\nI did not bare myself deliberately,\nbut I tell you, I wish now that I had!\n(Fred, shocked by her speech, flees.\nShe calls after him, still standing\nat the hallway) Because it is not me\nthat has been exposed, but you! For\nI have seen the nipple on your soul!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Monk's)\n\nGX\nSo the minute I started up the steps\nto her apartment I knew I made a terrible\nmistake. Going back with her. So we're\nin her apartment she goes into the bathroom.\nI'm cursing myself; now how do I get\nout of this? Then it hits me like a\nbolt of lightening. The pick.\n\nJERRY\nThe pick?\n\nELAINE\nThe pick?\n\nGEORGE\nShe comes out of the bathroom, I'm in\nup to my wrist. You should have seen\nthe look on her face.\n\nJERRY\nI think I've seen that look.\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nI've got the magazine. The underwear\nad came out.\n\nJERRY\nBoy, they really worked on your pectorals.\n\nGEORGE\nYour buttocks are spectacular.\n\nELAINE\nOh my!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nI'm not sure but... I think I see your...\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Movie.html",
    "text": "THE MOVIE\n\nWritten by\n\nSteve Skrovan, Bill Masters & John Hayman\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nWhat's with the age gap hiring policy\nat most movie theaters? Didja\n\never notice, they never hire anyone between the ages of fifteen...\n\nand eighty, you know what I mean? Like, the girl that sells you\nthe\n\nticket, she's ten. Then there's the guy who rips the ticket,\nhe's a\n\nhundred and two. So, what happened in the middle, there? You\n\ncouldn't find anybody? It's like they want to show you how life\n\ncomes full circle. You're fifteen, you sell the tickets. Then\nyou\n\nleave, you go out, you have a family, kids, marriage, career,\n\ngrandchildren, eighty years later, you're back in the same theater\n\nthree feet away. Ripping tickets. Took you eighty years to move\n\nthree feet.\n\n32 seconds)\n\nJERRY\nYou don't understand. I got this all\ntimed out. I got another\n\nKERNIS\nI hear you, guy.\n\nJERRY\nAnd I'm doin' Letterman Monday. You\nknow, I gotta work out the\n\nmaterial!\n\nKERNIS\nWhy don't you come back and do the 11\no'clock spot?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I'm supposed to meet my friends\nto see this movie \"CheckMate\"\n\nAT 10\n30.\n\nBUCKLES\nHey, Jer!\n\nJERRY\n(not losing a step) Heeeeyyyyyyyy.....\n(and out the door)\n\nGEORGE\nExcuse me, do you have a ticket?\n\nMAN\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nOkay. Good.\n\nBUCKLES\nJerry!\n\nJERRY\nWhat are (you) doing here?\n\nBUCKLES\nHey, do you think this is funny? \"Why\ndo they call it athlete's\n\nfoot? You don't have to be an athlete to get it. I mean, my\n\nfather gets it all the time, and believe me, he's no athlete!\"\n\nELAINE\nI've been *dying* to see \"CheckMate\".\n\nGEORGE\nWell, if it's as good as \"Ponce de Leon\",\nI'll be happy.\n\nELAINE\n\"Ponce de Leon\", are you kidding me?\nI hated that movie!\n\nGEORGE\n\"Ponce de Leon\"? But that was great!\n\nELAINE\nOh, (come on). That Fountain of Youth\nscene at the end, where\n\nthey're all splashin' around, and then they go running over to\nthe\n\nmirror to see if it really worked? I mean, come on! (laughing\ntoo\n\nhard to continue) That's stupid!\n\nGEORGE\nLemme tell you sum'in. When Ponce looked\nin that mirror and saw\n\nthat he hadn't changed, and that tear started to roll down his\n\ncheek? ... I lost it.\n\nKRAMER\nListen, I'm gonna get a hot dog at Payapa\nKing.\n\nG+E\nNo, wait!\n\nGEORGE\nYou're not going to get back here in\ntime!\n\nKRAMER\nI'm starvin', I haven't had any dinner!\n\nELAINE\nYou can get a hot dog in the theater.\n\nKRAMER\nI don't wanna get a movie hot dog!\n\n(in tears) I want a Papaya King hot dog!\n\nELAINE\nKramer, Jerry is going to be here any\nsecond, and then this line is\n\ngoing to start moving, and we're going to end up in the front\nrow.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, just save me a seat.\n\nELAINE\nNo! I don't want to save seats. Don't\nput me through that! I once\n\nhad the fleece just ripped out of my winter coat in a seat-saving\n\nincident!\n\nGEORGE\nI'm in line to buy.\n\nELAINE\nNo, George, this is the ticket-(holders)\nline.\n\nGEORGE\nNo it's not, it's the ticket-(buyers)\nline.\n\nELAINE\nThen how come we're not moving?\n\nKRAMER\nGood question.\n\nGEORGE\nIs this the ticket holders line, or\nthe buyers?\n\nMAN\nHolders.\n\nGEORGE\nBut I asked you before if you had a\nticket, and you said no!\n\nMAN\nI didn't. My friend was getting it.\n\nGEORGE\n(furious) Good. It's good to be accurate\nlike that.\n\nELAINE\nCan you believe him?\n\nKRAMER\nHe's spaced out.\n\nELAINE\nHow long would *you* have stood in the\nticket-holders line?\n\nKRAMER\n(thinks for a while)\n\nELAINE\n(gives up) Yeah, exactly...\n\nELAINE\nI don't wanna go to a... miniplex multi-theater!\n\nGEORGE\nIt's the same movie! What's the difference?\n\nELAINE\nIt's not a theater, it's like a room\nwhere they bring in POWs to\n\nshow them propaganda films.\n\nJERRY\n(to taxi driver) Take the Park!\n\nBUCKLES\nNo no no, take 55th.\n\nBUCKLES\nJerry, I want you to do me a favor.\nNo more fish!\n\nJERRY\n(rubbing his eyes hoping the nightmare\nwill end)\n\nOkay, I get your point!\n\nBUCKLES\nI had a point?\n\nGEORGE\nHey, you know what else is playing here?\n\"Rochelle Rochelle\".\n\nELAINE\nSigh/Ugh.\n\nGEORGE\nI wouldn't mind seein' (that).\n\nELAINE\nYeah. You know, men can sit through\nthe most boring movie if\n\nthere's even the slightest possibility that a woman will\n\ntake her top off.\n\nGEORGE\nSo what's your point?\n\nGEORGE\nBy the way, you owe me seven fifty.\n\nELAINE\nOh, all right. Can you break a twenty?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I don't have any change.\n\nELAINE\nOh, well, then I'll pay you later.\n\nGEORGE\nOr, I could take the twenty, then I\ncould pay *you* later.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, you *could*...\n\nGEORGE\nMight be easier.\n\nELAINE\nI mean, how is that easier? I mean,\nthen you would owe me twelve\n\nfifty instead of me owing you seven fifty.\n\nGEORGE\n(trying to act as if he doesn't care\none way or the other, but we\n\nknow better) Either way.\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nSo... Can I have it?\n\nELAINE\nI tell you what, I'll get the popcorn\nand the soda.\n\nGEORGE\nWhaddya mean, you'll \"get\" the popcorn\nand the soda?\n\nELAINE\nI will buy your popcorn and soda. We'll\ncall it even.\n\nGEORGE\nI tell you what, you give me the twenty,\nand I will buy\n\n*you* a popcorn and soda, and I'll throw in a bon-bons.\n\nELAINE\n(exasperated) George, you're sappin'\nmy strength.\n\nGEORGE\nYou go in and save seats.\n\nELAINE\n(in a panic) Me!? But that's three seats!\nI can't save three\n\nseats! I told you about that guy who tore up my winter coat!\n\nBUCKLES\nJerry, I want you to have this piece\nof material.\n\nJERRY\nThat's very nice of you, but I can't\ndo the voices.\n\nBUCKLES\nJerry! Don't start up with me!\n\nJERRY\nI gotta get out of this cab...\n\nBUCKLES\nBut Jerry, quit riffing!\n\nJERRY\nNo, I'm not riffing. I'm ignoring! Do\nyou understand the\n\ndifference?\n\nBUCKLES\n(pause) Can you help me get on The Tonight\nShow?\n\nELAINE\nNo, these are saved.\n\nMAN\nAll of them? C'mon, you can't take *four*\nseats.\n\nELAINE\nWhat, is that a rule?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, why don't *you* go, and I could\nsave the seats. You said you\n\ndidn't like saving anyway.\n\nELAINE\n(stopping someone from sitting in the\nseat next to her)\n\nNo, *TAKEN*, Taken, taken.\n\n(to George) (shrugs) I'm getting the hang of it.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy don't you give me the twenty, and\nI'll stop and get change,\n\nand then you and I can... uh... you-know, settle.\n\nELAINE\nCan we do this later, George?\n\nGEORGE\nPsh. What's the point of even discussing\nit? (condescendingly\n\ntakes her hand and pats it) You'll give me the money when you\nhave\n\nit. (takes two steps, then reconsiders, then re-reconsiders)\n\nI, I trust you.\n\nKRAMER\nCould you do me a favor? If you see\na guy that's five foot eleven,\n\nhe's got uh a big head and flared nostrils, tell him his friend's\n\ngoing to be right back, okay?\n\nELAINE\nNo, I'm sorry, these are taken. ...\n\nThey're in the lobby buying popcorn. ...\n\nWhat are you doing? These are taken, these are taken!\n\nWOMAN\nWhich one?\n\nELAINE\nThese two and this one. ...\n\nNo! Don't come over here! These are taken. Go! Go!\n\nThese are taken! They're taken! THEY'RE TAKEN!!!\n\nELAINE\nOh, take 'em.\n\nGEORGE\nUm, excuse me, have you see a guy with\nlike a horse face,\n\nbig teeth, and a, and a pointed nose?\n\nCLERK\n... flared nostrils?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nCLERK\nNope, haven't seen him.\n\nBUCKLES\nJerry, could you do me a personal favor?\nAnd if I'm out of line,\n\n*please*, let me know. Could I keep my trench coat in your closet\n\nfor a few months?\n\nJERRY\nYour trench coat in my closet?\n\nBUCKLES\nJerry, my closet is packed to the gills,\nI'm afraid to open the\n\ndoor. Just for a few months. It'll make all the difference in\n\nthe world.\n\nBUCKLES\nWe should see \"Rochelle Rochelle\". I\nhear it's really hot.\n\nJERRY\nNo thanks, maybe some other time.\n\nBUCKLES\nReally? Do you really mean that?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I don't.\n\nBUCKLES\nYou liked the athlete's foot bit, right?\n\nJERRY\nNo. No. I was kidding. It's terrible.\n\nJERRY\nHi, I got some friends inside, I gotta\nget a message to 'em.\n\nMind if I walk through real quick?\n\nUSHER\n(indicates \"okay\")\n\nKRAMER\nHey, did that guy show up?\n\nCLERK\nThe guy with the... horse face... and\nthe big teeth...\n\nKRAMER\nNo, the guy with the big head and the\nflared nostrils.\n\nCLERK\nHaven't seen him. There was a short\nguy with glasses...\n\nLooked like Humpty-Dumpty with a melon hat. But he left.\n\nWOMAN\nSo I got home, and he was vacuuming!\nI mean, he's twelve years old!\n\nWho else but my Alan would do something like that?\n\nWOMAN\nAnd then last night, he put on my high\nheels. Oh, he put on such a\n\nshow for us! He was dancing around, lip-sync'ing to \"A Chorus\n\nLine\", I mean you can see he's got talent.\n\nELAINE\n(annoyed) Excuse me, excuse me.\n\nWOMAN\nWhat's the problem?\n\nELAINE\n(momentarily shocked, as if the answer\nwere self-evident)\n\nYou're talking.\n\nWOMAN\nIt's the \"Coming Attractions\".\n\nWOMAN\nSo anyway, he sings, he dances. And\ndo you know what he's gotten\n\ninto now? He is cooking! He does a crepe...\n\nUSHER\nTicket, sir?\n\nGEORGE\nUh, I just went out, I went to look\nfor my friend?\n\nUSHER\nDo you have your stub?\n\nGEORGE\n(as if the word were totally foreign)\nMy `stub'?\n\nUSHER\nMm hm.\n\nGEORGE\nYou don't remember me?\n\nUSHER\nIt's a big city, sir.\n\nGEORGE\nI went in with a pretty woman? You know,\nkinda short, big wall o'\n\nhair, face like a frying pan?\n\nGEORGE\n(whispering) Elaine?\n\n(loud whisper) Elaine!\n\n(louder whisper) Elaine!\n\nGEORGE\n(quite out loud, not even pretending\nto whisper) Elaine!\n\nNARRATOR\nThe Village Voice calls it a masterpiece.\nA young woman's\n\nstrange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk.\n\nNARRATOR\nIt's a story about life. And love. And\nbecoming a woman.\n\n\"Rochelle Rochelle\", now playing at Paradise 2.\n\n13:38)\n\nELAINE\nUh, could I have a medium Diet Coke?\n\nCLERK\nDo you want the Medium size or the middle\nsize?\n\nELAINE\nWhat's the difference?\n\nCLERK\nWell, we have three sizes. Medium, Large,\nand Jumbo.\n\nELAINE\n(momentarily perplexed) What happened\nto the small?\n\nCLERK\nThere is no small. Small is Medium.\n\nELAINE\nWhat's... medium?\n\nCLERK\nMedium is Large, and large is Jumbo.\n\nELAINE\nOh-kay. Gimme the large.\n\nCLERK\nThat's medium.\n\nELAINE\nRight. Yeah. (fearing the answer) Could\nI have a small popcorn?\n\nCLERK\nThere is no small. (flash of perky inspiration)\nChild-size is small.\n\nELAINE\nWhat's `medium'?\n\nCLERK\nAdult.\n\nELAINE\nDo adults ever order the child-size?\n\nCLERK\n(chuckling) Not usually.\n\nELAINE\n(laughs appreciably) Okay, gimme the\n`adult'.\n\nCLERK\nDo you want butter?\n\nELAINE\nIs it *real* butter?\n\nCLERK\n(perkily) It's butter-*flavored*!\n\nELAINE\n(exasperated) What is it made of?\n\nCLERK\n(perkily) It's yellow!\n\nJERRY\n44th and 9th.\n\nDRIVER\nHave you got a cigarette?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nUSHER\nTicket, sir?\n\nGEORGE\nWe've just been through this! You don't\nremember? We just had\n\nthis exact same conversation a minute ago!\n\nUSHER\nI need to see your stub.\n\nGEORGE\n(realizing the only way out is to show\nthe stub) I've got the stub.\n\nGEORGE\nThere you go, okay? That's my *other*\nfriend's ticket.\n\nYou happy now? You got two tickets.\n\nUSHER\nTicket, sir?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, no, see, my friend already bought\nme a ticket.\n\nI'm late, and she's inside.\n\nUSHER\nGo ahead.\n\nKRAMER\nIs that seat taken?\n\nWOMAN BEHIND ELAINE\nIt's all yours.\n\nDRIVER\nI'm very sorry, you give me few minutes.\n\nI have to stop for gasoline.\n\nJERRY\nGasoline? Can't you get it after you\ndrop me off?\n\nDRIVER\n(taken aback) No! Impossible! It is\non `Empty'!\n\nMAN\nYou're soaking wet. Who are you?\n\nROCHELLE\nMy name is Rochelle, I'm from Milan.\n\nI'm supposed to visit my relatives in Minsk.\n\nMAN\nHere, stand by the fire. Take off those\nwet clothes,\n\nyou'll catch cold.\n\nROCHELLE\nOh, my hand's so cold, I can barely\nget these buttons open.\n\nROCHELLE\nOh, that's much better. Much...\n\nELAINE\nI just went to get popcorn... Ugh...\n(shakes more popcorn)\n\nI just went to get popcorn, okay?\n\nAnd and and somebody took my seat, and my coat is in there!\n\nUSHER\nThere's a seat in the front row.\n\nELAINE\nNo no, I can't sit in the front row.\n\nUSHER\nWell, you're going to have to wait,\nthen.\n\nELAINE\nI can't stand around here for *two hours*!\n\nUSHER\nI could let you see \"Rochelle Rochelle\".\n\nELAINE\n(heavy sarcasm) Oh. Thanks.\n\nELAINE\nOh, hey, listen, by the way, have you\nseen a tall... lanky...\n\ndoofus, with a, with a bird-face and hair like the Bride of\n\nFrankenstein?\n\nUSHER\nHaven't seen him.\n\nJERRY\nHey, did I make it?\n\nKERNIS\nSorry.\n\nJERRY\nOh, great. That's great. What a night.\n\nANNOUNCER\nPat Buckles, ladies and gentlemen.\n\nAnother round of applause for Pat Buckles!\n\nJERRY\nYou got my spot?\n\nBUCKLES\nThat athlete's foot bit killed!\n\nJERRY\nReally...\n\nBUCKLES\nDo you think I need to lose some weight?\n\nJERRY\nWeight? Naw. Just need some more height.\n\nJERRY\nMy whole night's ruined.\n\nI didn't do any sets, didn't do any movies...\n\nBUCKLES\nCome on, we can still catch most of\n\"Rochelle Rochelle\".\n\nJERRY\n\"Rochelle Rochelle\", huh?\n\nBUCKLES\nA young girl's strange, erotic journey\nfrom Milan to Minsk.\n\nJERRY\n(his interest piqued) Minsk?\n\nELAINE\nOh, gimme a break!\n\nJERRY\nElaine?\n\nELAINE\nJerry!\n\nJERRY\nElaine!\n\nVOICE\n(whispered) Shut up.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry?\n\nJERRY\nGeorge?\n\nGEORGE\nElaine?\n\nELAINE\nGeorge! (waves hi)\n\nJERRY\nHey, where's Kramer?\n\nVOICE\n(whispered) Will you shut up?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know. Does this movie stink\nor what!\n\nJERRY\nLet's get outta here. (to Buckles) I'll\nsee ya.\n\nBUCKLES\nYou're leaving?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nBUCKLES\n(holding out his coat) Jerry, take the\ncoat. Please. One month.\n\nJERRY\nI don't want the coat.\n\nBUCKLES\nJerry! Call me when you get home so\nI know you're okay!\n\nGEORGE\n(studying his jacket) Oh man! Look at\nthis! I sat in gum.\n\nOh, by the way, you owe me seven fifty.\n\nJERRY\nI didn't even use the ticket!\n\nGEORGE\nI still paid for it!\n\nJERRY\nI only have a twenty.\n\nELAINE\nThat's my coat! Gimme that. Where did\nyou get that?\n\nKRAMER\nIt was on the seat...\n\nELAINE\n*YOU* took my seat!?\n\nGEORGE\nYou uh owe me for the ticket.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, right...\n\nELAINE\nWhat is that stain (on my coat)?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's yellow mustard. (To George) Can\nyou break a twenty?\n\nJERRY\nI always get confused in the movie theater\nby the, by the plot.\n\nIt's embarrassing. It's an embarrassment to have to admit,\n\nbut I'm the one that you see in the parking lot after the movie\n\nguy from the (beginning)... Ohhhhhhhhhh...\" Nobody will explain\nit\n\nto you. When you're in the theater, you can't find out.\n\n(whispering to imaginary friends seated around him) \"Why did\nthey\n\nkill that guy?... Why did they kill him?... Who was that guy?\nWhat\n\nwas the... I thought he was with them? Wasn't he with them? Why\n\nwould they kill him if he was with them? Oh, he wasn't *really*\nwith\n\nthem.... I thought he was with them. It's a good thing they killed\n\nhim.\"\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Visa.html",
    "text": "THE VISA\n\nWritten by\n\nPeter Mehlman\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nWhat are lawyers, really? To me a lawyer is basically the person\nthat knows the\n\nrules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the\ngame, moving our\n\npieces around the board, but if there's a problem, the lawyer\nis the only person\n\nthat has read the inside of the top of the box. I think one of\nthe fun things\n\nfor them is to say, \"objection.\" \"Objection! Objection, your\nHonor.\"\n\nObjection, of course, is the adult version of, \"Fraid not.\" To\nwhich the judge\n\ncan say two things, he can say, \"overruled\" which is the adult\nversion of \"Fraid\n\nso,\" or he could say, \"sustained,\" which is the adult version\nof \"Duh.\"\n\nFirst scene.\n\nGeorge is at the counter at Monk's, he's talking with an Oriental\nwoman.\n\nGEORGE\nSo you're a lawyer. What kind of cases\ndo you handle?\n\nCHERYL\nOh, everything. Divorce, patents, immigration\nand naturalization.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat is that, immigrants come over,\nyou show them how to act natural?\n\nCHERYL\nAre your friends as funny as you?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, they're not funny at all. No, I\nhave no funny friends. I'm the\n\nfunny one. El Clowno.\n\nQuick pan to the front door as Jerry and Elaine are entering.\n\nELAINE\nLook, I was nice enough to pick it up\nfor you\n\nJERRY\nHey, I've been back four days, I want\nmy mail.\n\nELAINE\nIt's mostly bills, magazines and junk\nmail anyway.\n\nJERRY\nElaine, that's what mail is. Without\nbills, magazines and junk mail,\n\nthere is no mail.\n\nCut back to George and Cheryl at the counter.\n\nCHERYL\nHere's my card.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, ok. Thank you. It was good talking\nto you.\n\nCHERYL\nNice meeting you.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nCheryl leaves, George walks over to the booth to meet Jerry and\nElaine.\n\nELAINE\nHi!\n\nJERRY\nHey, how ya doin?\n\nGEORGE\nYou would not believe what just happened.\nI was waiting for you and\n\nthis woman was sitting at the counter.\n\nELAINE\nWhat, the one who just left?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, yeah, and we started talking,\nand she's this lawyer who's\n\nincredible! Everything I said was funny! You know, she laughed\nat everything I\n\nsaid, she thinks I'm hilarious. You know in a way, it was almost\ntoo good. I\n\nstarted so good, I can't go any place but down now, ya know?\nI got no place to\n\ngo.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, well, I guess it's all over.\n\nJERRY\nHey, is that Babu? It is! (walking over)\n\nHey, Babu!\n\nBABU\nJerry!\n\nJERRY\nLook at you, you got the job.\n\nBABU\nYes, yes, they give me job thanks to\nyou.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I didn't do anything.\n\nBABU\nYes, you do everything, get me job,\nyou get me a place to live in your\n\nbuilding.\n\nJERRY\nCome on.\n\nBABU\nYou very very good man, you do everything\nfor me. My family and I can\n\nnever thank you enough for everything you do.\n\nCut back to George and Elaine.\n\nGEORGE\nYou see, this is what I do with women.\nI start out too strong, now I\n\nhave to become real, that's when it all falls apart. What good\nis real? They\n\ndon't want real, they want funny.\n\nELAINE\nNo they don't.\n\nGEORGE\nOoooh, yes they do.\n\nELAINE\nNooo.\n\nGEORGE\nYa gotta put on a show, ya always gotta\ngive them a big show. You\n\nalways have to be 'on' otherwise why would they like me? They'd\njust go for a\n\nbetter looking guy with more money.\n\nElaine nods her head in approval.\n\nGEORGE\nYou mean that's true, I'm right?!\n\nJERRY\nOk, great, well, I'm glad everything\nworked out, Babu.\n\nBABU\nOh, yes, yes, everything wonderful.\n\nJERRY\nOk, I'll see you around the building.\n\nBABU\nI'll see you *in* the building.\n\nJERRY\nRemember Babu Bhatt?\n\nGEORGE\nWho's he?\n\nJERRY\nRemember that guy who opened the restaurant\nacross the street from the\n\nbuilding last year and he wasn't doing so well and I told him\nhe should make it\n\ninto all Pakistani and that drove him right out of business?\nSo, you uh, going\n\nwith me to the auto show with me Saturday?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, yeah.\n\nJERRY\nCan you bring my mail then?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat mail?\n\nELAINE\nI picked up his mail while he was on\nthe road\n\nGEORGE\nWhy didn't Kramer pick it up?\n\nJERRY\nCause he's at that baseball fantasy\ncamp in Florida.\n\nGEORGE\nOh yeah, right. When's he coming back?\n\nJERRY\nMonday, I think.\n\nGEORGE\nKramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole\nlife is a fantasy camp.\n\nPeople should plunk down two-thousand dollars to live like him\nfor a week. Do\n\nnothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors\nand have\n\nsex without dating; that's a fantasy camp.\n\nJERRY\nHey listen, if you're gonna go out with\nthis lawyer, why don't you have\n\ndinner with us and then maybe you can go to the auto show with\nher if you want,\n\nyou know, have a little company, take the pressure off.\n\nGeorge has a dream sequence where the four of them are at a dinner\ntable and\n\nCheryl is laughing hysterically at one of Jerry's jokes.\n\nJERRY\n...he never heard of corduroy!\n\nCHERYL\nStop it, you're killing me!!\n\nJERRY\nHe never heard of corduroy! True story,\ntrue story.\n\nDream sequence ends.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no I don't think so.\n\nELAINE\nWhy?\n\nGEORGE\nWell I think I'm better off going one-on-one.\n\nJERRY\nI don't know why you want to play man-to-man\nwhen you could play a zone.\n\nGEORGE\nShe might not be comfortable.\n\nELAINE\nWhy? We're all very nice, we're very\nfriendly.\n\nJERRY\nWe'll be funny.\n\nGEORGE\nNo! No. It's not good, I don't think\nso.\n\nELAINE\nAlright, well if you change your mind,\nwe'll wind up as Isabella's\n\nprobably around seven.\n\nJERRY\nNo, no Isabella's, I don't want to go\nto Isabella's.\n\nELAINE\nWhy?\n\nJERRY\nNo, it's too trendy, no Isabella's.\n\nNew scene.\n\nGeorge and Cheryl are at Isabella's.\n\nGEORGE\nExcellent. Like I really know what I'm\ntalking\n\nabout.\n\nCheryl laughs.\n\nGEORGE\nToasting makes me uncomfortable. But\ntoast, I love. Never start the\n\nday without a good piece of toast. In fact, let's toast to toast.\n\nJust then the headwaiter seats Jerry and Elaine at the next table.\n\nJERRY\nLook who's here! Georgie-boy!\n\nWhat are you doing here? I thought you said you hated Isabella's?\n\nELAINE\nNo, I talked him into it.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat happened to the auto show?\n\nJERRY\nOh, we're still going, we're still going.\nElaine, do the spokes model.\n\nELAINE\nThe turbo quadramatic transmission offers\nyou the power and prestige to\n\npropel you well into the 21st century.\n\nJerry and Cheryl laugh, George, unamused, tries pushing Jerry\nand Elaine away\n\nfrom their table.\n\nELAINE\nHi.\n\nGEORGE\nCheryl, Elaine, and uh, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHi, nice to meet you.\n\nCHERYL\nWould you like to join us?\n\nGEORGE\nOh no no no, they don't want to join\nus.\n\nCHERYL\nOh no, it's ok, don't be silly.\n\nELAINE\nOk, well why don't we just put these\ntwo tables together?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no, you can't do that,\n\nthey're round, it makes an 'eight' and, yeah, well alright.\n\nELAINE\nJerry? Jerry, tell them that funny story\nyou were telling me--\n\nGEORGE\nNo! No.\n\nELAINE\nNo George, it's so funny. We saw this\ncab driver's picture, right?\n\nGEORGE\nYou know we should really order, the\nservice is so slow\n\nhere, by the time you get anything...\n\nELAINE\nOh, Cheryl, can I ask you a legal question?\nUm, I'm being sued.\n\nCHERYL\nOh? What happened?\n\nELAINE\nWell, I ran out to apologize to a virgin\nand I crossed against the\n\nlight and I knocked over the delivery boy.\n\nCHERYL\nWas he Chinese?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nCHERYL\nIs your last name Benes?\n\nJERRY\nHow did you know?\n\nCHERYL\nPing is my cousin!\n\nELAINE\nNo!\n\nJERRY\nThat's so funny!\n\nCHERYL\nI'm handling his case!\n\nELAINE\nWhat? You're Cheryl Fong?\n\nCHERYL\nThat's right!\n\nBy now, they're all laughing.\n\nELAINE\nOh my god, I can't believe it! That\nis such a coincidence!\n\nCHERYL\nYeah, I know!\n\nELAINE\nWow, well, I guess you don't have any\nadvice for me on how to win the\n\ncase?\n\nCHERYL\nWill you excuse me? I have to make a\ncall.\n\nELAINE\nTell Ping I said hello.\n\nJERRY\nTell him you think you may have broken\nthe case wide open.\n\nThey all laugh as Cheryl walks away.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you doing? What are you doing?\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nThis is not good. This is not good.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's the matter?\n\nGEORGE\nI just don't think it's such a great\nidea for you to sit here.\n\nJERRY\nWhy not?\n\nELAINE\nHe thinks that if you're too funny,\nhe might not look so funny.\n\nJERRY\nBiff?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nYou're not worried about that?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, of course not.\n\nJERRY\nI mean, so what if I'm funny? Who cares?\n\nELAINE\nHe thinks that if a woman sees a guy\nput on a better show, she'll walk\n\nout on his show, go see the other show.\n\nJERRY\nWell, should we leave?\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe you don't have to be so funny.\nI mean, would it kill you not to\n\nbe so funny all the time? That's all I'm asking. This woman thinks\nI'm very\n\nfunny. Now you're gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I'm\ngonna be a short\n\nbald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn't seem so funny.\n\nELAINE\nThis is so ridiculous. Can we just go\nover there?\n\nJERRY\nI don't have to be funny, I don't care.\n\nGEORGE\nYou don't?\n\nJERRY\nNo way! It's completely under my control.\n\nELAINE\nNo, it's not. You cannot not be funny.\n\nJERRY\nOf course I can, am I being funny now?\n\nELAINE\nA little.\n\nJERRY\nOh, this is funny? I'm being funny?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, is this funny?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's funny! (To Elaine) and it wouldn't\nkill you to not be so funny\n\neither.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? What did I do?\n\nCheryl returns.\n\nGEORGE\nHi.\n\nJERRY\nHello. Welcome back.\n\nCHERYL\nSorry, it was my aunt's birthday and\nshe makes such a big deal about\n\nit.\n\nELAINE\nWell, nobody likes to get old, right?\n\nJERRY\nWell, birthdays are merely symbolic\nof how another year has gone by and\n\nhow little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday\na better\n\nself will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake,\nwe know it's not\n\nto be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives,\nthis is who we are\n\nto the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No\nsuch thing.\n\nGEORGE\nFunny guy, huh?\n\nNew scene.\n\nElaine is bringing Jerry's mail to his apartment.\n\nELAINE\nHere, take it. I was glad to get rid\nof it.\n\nJERRY\nWell thank you very much, it's about\ntime.\n\nELAINE\nOh listen, guess what? Cheryl convinced\nPing to drop the case against\n\nme.\n\nJERRY\nDrop the case? Well, congratulations,\nthat'll save you some money.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, no kidding. That lawyer was gonna\ncharge me a fortune.\n\nJERRY\nOh great, a birth announcement from\nArnie and\n\nJoy Harris.\n\nThey hear a noise from the hallway.\n\nJERRY\nHear that? Guess who's back. (Opening\nthe door) Hey!\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nI thought you weren't coming back till\nMonday.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, the camp ended a few days early.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, well there was an incident.\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened?\n\nKRAMER\nI punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I punched him and they took him\nto the hospital and then they\n\ncanceled the rest of the week.\n\nELAINE\nYou punched who in the mouth?\n\nKRAMER\nMickey Mantle.\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you know, we were playing a game\nand, you know, I was pitching,\n\nand I was really throwing some smoke. And Joe Pepitone, he was\nup, and man that\n\nguy, you know, he was crowding the plate.\n\nJERRY\nWow! Joe Pepitone!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well, Joe Pepitone or not, I own\nthe inside of that plate. So I\n\nthrow one, you know, inside, you know, a little chin music, put\nhim right on his\n\npants. Cause I gotta intimidate when I'm on the mound. Well the\nnext pitch,\n\nhe's right back in the same place. So, I had to plunk him.\n\nJERRY\nYou plunked him.\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah. Well, he throws down his bat,\nhe comes racing up to the\n\nmound. Next thing, both benches are cleared, you know? A brouhaha\nbreaks out\n\nbetween the guys in the camp, you know, and the old Yankee players,\nand as I'm\n\ntrying to get Moose Skowron off of one of my teammates, you know,\nsomebody pulls\n\nme from behind, you know, and I turned around and I popped him.\nI looked down,\n\nand woah man, it's Mickey. I punched his lights out.\n\nJERRY\nWow, this is incredible!\n\nA voice is heard from the hallway.\n\nBABU\nLeave me alone! You can't do this to\nme!\n\nJERRY\nWhat's going on out there?\n\nBABU\nWhat are you doing? This is not right,\npeople. You're making a very bad\n\nmistake, very bad.\n\nJERRY\nBabu? (leaving) I'll be right back.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, so?\n\nKRAMER\nThen Hank Bauer, you know, he's screaming,\n\"Mickey! Mickey! What have\n\nyou done with Mickey? You killed Mickey!\"\n\nELAINE\nSo what'd you do?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I got the hell out of there.\n\nJERRY\nThey took Babu away!\n\nELAINE\nThey took Babu away?!\n\nJERRY\nYeah, the Immigration guy said his Visa\nwas expired. Poor Babu,\n\neverything was going so well for him. He had an apartment, he\nhad a job. What\n\na shame.\n\nBABU\nJerry! Jerry! Help me!\n\nJERRY\nI will, Babu! I will help you, Babu,\ndon't worry!\n\nKRAMER\nThen Hank Bauer, you know, he's chasing\nme around, he trips over third\n\nbase and knocks over Clete Boyer.\n\nJERRY\nUh oh.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nWell this is interesting.\n\nELAINE\nWhat is it?\n\nJERRY\nIt's a letter from the Immigration Bureau,\nit's Babu's Visa renewal\n\napplication form. They must have put it in my mailbox by mistake.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, doesn't he need that?\n\nNew scene.\n\nJerry and Elaine are at Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nIf you had given me my mail last week\nwhen I got home, this whole thing\n\nnever would have happened.\n\nELAINE\nWell, you should have come to my house\nto pick it up.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, so am I being funny now?\n\nELAINE\nNo, actually, you're not being funny\nnow.\n\nJERRY\nSee, I told you I wasn't funny all the\ntime. (George enters) Hey\n\nGeorge, look, I'm not funny now.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, and you weren't funny last night\neither. In fact, you got us both\n\nso depressed, she asked me to drive her home after dinner.\n\nJERRY\nOh look, I need to get in touch with\nCheryl. Babu needs a lawyer, his\n\nVisa's expired.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat do you need her for? There's a\nmillion lawyers.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, but you said this is one of the\nthings that her firm does.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, alright, but no funny business,\nsame deal as last night.\n\nJERRY\nAh, will you stop it already?\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, please?\n\nJERRY\nHow long is this gonna go on?\n\nGEORGE\nTill I'm comfortable.\n\nJERRY\nWell, when is that gonna be?\n\nGEORGE\nAfter consummation.\n\nJERRY\nConsummation? I don't think you have\nenough material.\n\nNew scene.\n\nJerry and Cheryl are at the coffee shop.\n\nCHERYL\nI actually have a friend in the Immigration\nDepartment who owes me a\n\nbig favor. You're very lucky.\n\nJERRY\nThat's wonderful news. Thank you.\n\nCHERYL\nYou're a very serious person, aren't\nyou?\n\nJERRY\nWell, with so many people in the world\ndeprived and unhappy, it doesn't\n\nseem like it would be fair to be cheerful.\n\nCHERYL\nI understand.\n\nJerry reaches for the milk for his coffee.\n\nCHERYL\nI think it's curdled.\n\nJERRY\nI don't care.\n\nCHERYL\nDo you ever laugh?\n\nJERRY\nNot really. Sometimes, when I'm in the\ntub.\n\nCHERYL\nThat's so sad. What do you do?\n\nJERRY\nI'm a comedian. Oh, let me get that.\n(reaching for the check) You've\n\nbeen so helpful.\n\nELAINE\nHey, we're gonna go see Babu\n\nnow, right?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I'll just pay for this.\n\nELAINE\nOh, I'm just gonna go say hi to Cheryl.\n(walking over to the booth)\n\nHi.\n\nCHERYL\nHi.\n\nELAINE\nListen, gosh, I wanted to thank you\nso much for convincing Ping to drop\n\nthe case.\n\nCHERYL\nWell, after we met, you were all so\nnice. I just couldn't go through\n\nwith it. But between you and me, you would have paid through\nthe nose.\n\nELAINE\nYou're kidding.\n\nCHERYL\nNo, I'm not.\n\nNew scene.\n\nJerry and Elaine are at the Immigration office.\n\nJERRY\nBabu!\n\nBABU\nJerry! Jerry, hello Jerry!\n\nJERRY\nYou remember Elaine.\n\nBABU\nYes, yes of course!\n\nELAINE\nNice to meet you.\n\nBABU\nSo nice of you both to come.\n\nJERRY\nOh, Babu.\n\nBABU\nNo no, you're both very kind, very kind.\n\nJERRY AND ELAINE\nOh, well, you know.\n\nELAINE\nWe try.\n\nJERRY\nWe do what we can.\n\nELAINE\nWe do what we can.\n\nBABU\nThe problem is I never got my Visa renewal\nform in the mail. I was\n\nexpecting it.\n\nJERRY\nYes, well, see, here's the thing, Babu.\nUm, what happened was I was\n\naway for a couple of weeks doing some comedy shows.\n\nBABU\nComedy shows! You're a very funny man.\n\nJERRY\nWell, Elaine here was picking up my\nmail while I was away, because you\n\nknow that little box can get very full.\n\nBABU\nOh yes, of course. TV Guide, magazines,\neverything. You know, I would\n\nhave picked up your mail, your box is right next to mine.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I don't want to bother you.\n\nBABU\nNo bother! You get me job, you get me\napartment, you very very good man.\n\nJERRY\nSo yesterday, after they took you away,\nI looked in my mail and I\n\nnoticed that the mailman accidentally put your Visa renewal in\nmy mail box.\n\nBABU\nCome again?\n\nJERRY\nYou see, I've been home for a week and\nElaine didn't give me my mail\n\nuntil yesterday, even though I asked her repeatedly for it.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, but Babu, he could have come to\nmy house to pick it up.\n\nBABU\nYou had my Visa application?!\n\nJERRY\nWell not technically.\n\nBABU\nI kill you!!\n\nJERRY\nWell what about her?\n\nBABU\nI kill both of you!!\n\nJERRY\nBabu?!\n\nBABU\nNo Babu! No Babu! You bad man! You very\nbad man! You very lazy bad\n\nman!\n\nJERRY\nBabu, I'm gonna fix everything! I have\na lawyer who knows someone in\n\nthe Immigration Department, they're gonna straighten the whole\nthing out, the\n\nwheels are in motion, things are happening even as we speak!\n\nBABU\nThe wheels are in motion?\n\nJERRY\nThe wheels are in motion, things are\nhappening!\n\nNew scene.\n\nGeorge and Cheryl are parked.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry?\n\nCHERYL\nI'm very attracted to him.\n\nGEORGE\nYou think the person you were talking\nto is him? That's not even close\n\nto him. He's funny, Jerry's funny.\n\nCHERYL\nHe never said anything funny.\n\nGEORGE\nHe can't not be funny.\n\nCHERYL\nNo no no, he's dark. And disturbed.\n\nGEORGE\nDark and disturbed? His whole life revolves\naround Superman and\n\ncereal. I convinced him to act like that so that you would think\nI was funnier.\n\nThat's how disturbed I am! If you want disturbed, that's disturbed.\nYou can't\n\nfind sickness like that anywhere, you think sickness like that\ngrows on trees?\n\nNobody is sicker than me, nobody. He's pretending, I'm the genuine\narticle.\n\nCHERYL\nSo you're telling me Jerry's whole thing\nwas an act?\n\nGEORGE\nYes! And I put him up to it, because\nI'm sick! I'm the one that needs\n\nhelp.\n\nCHERYL\nI gotta go.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, should I call you later?\n\nCHERYL\nPlease don't.\n\nGEORGE\nBut, but I'm disturbed! I'm depressed!\nI'm inadequate! I got it\n\nall!!\n\nNew scene.\n\nJerry and Elaine are at Jerry's apartment.\n\nELAINE\nSo, what's up with Babu? How come he's\nnot back?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, I don't understand it.\nCheryl was supposed to take care\n\nof it, he should be back by now. (Answering the buzzer) Yeah?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's George.\n\nJERRY\nC'mon up.\n\nThey hear a voice in the hallway, Jerry opens the door.\n\nJERRY\nBabu must be back.\n\nBABU'S BROTHER\nBabu, my goodness, what has happened\nto you?\n\nJERRY\nWhere's Babu?\n\nBABU'S BROTHER\nHe is in Pakistan!\n\nJERRY\nWho are you?\n\nBABU'S BROTHER\nI am his brother. He knew a lawyer,\nit was all going to be\n\nfixed.\n\nJERRY\nI'm sure the lawyer did everything they\ncould.\n\nBABU'S BROTHER\nThen where is Babu? What happened to\nBabu? Show me Babu!\n\nELAINE\nSnapple?\n\nBABU'S BROTHER\nNo, too fruity.\n\nBabu's Brother leaves, George enters.\n\nJERRY\nHey, what happened? I thought Cheryl\nwas gonna help Babu get his Visa.\n\nGEORGE\nShe didn't help him?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nWhere is he?\n\nJERRY\nHe's in Pakistan.\n\nGEORGE\nOh boy.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you mean, oh boy?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, last night she told me that she\nliked you. Not you, the\n\ndisturbed you, so I had to tell her the truth.\n\nJERRY\nTold her the truth? Well, you got Babu\ndeported.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat do you mean, I got? You didn't\ngive him his Visa application.\n\nJERRY\nThat's because she had my mail.\n\nKramer enters.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, well I wouldn't have had to get\nyour mail if he hadn't gone to\n\nthat fantasy camp.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I just came back from Mickey Mantle's\nrestaurant.\n\nJERRY\nHow could you go in there?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I had to. I had to apologize.\nI mean, I punched Mickey Mantle,\n\nmy idol. It was eating me up inside!\n\nJERRY\nWell, what happened?\n\nKRAMER\nI got down in my knees and went, \"Go\nahead, Mickey. Hit me. I'm\n\nbegging you, Mickey, please hit me. C'mon, hit me. I love you,\nMickey, I love\n\nyou!\"\n\nELAINE\nSo, what did he do?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, the four of them, they picked\nme up by my pants and they threw me\n\noutside, right into a horse.\n\nThere's a knock on Kramer's door.\n\nVOICE\nKramer?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah? It's my Chinese food.\n\nPing enters with a bag of food.\n\nELAINE\nOh! Ping! Hi! Listen, thank you so much\nfor dropping that lawsuit\n\nagainst me.\n\nPING\nNot anymore.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nPING\nCheryl call me last night, lawsuit back\non.\n\nELAINE\nWhy?\n\nPING\nShe call you and your friends big liars.\nYou think she nice girl? Wait\n\ntill you see her in court. She's a shark! They call her the Terminator.\nShe\n\nnever lose a case. Now you make her mad. She double the damages.\nHasta la\n\nvista, baby.\n\nPing exits.\n\nNew scene.\n\nBabu and a friend are sitting at a table in an outdoor cafe in\nPakistan.\n\nBABU\nSo his friend got the mail but she did\nnot give it to him. And then he\n\ncame to visit me. Said the lawyer was called to help, he said\nthe wheels were\n\nin motion, but there was no motion. There was nothing. And so\nthey sent me\n\nback here.\n\nBABU'S FRIEND\nThis is a terrible story, Babu. What\nare you going to do?\n\nBABU\nI'm going to save up every rupee. Someday,\nI will get back to America,\n\nand when I do I will exact vengeance on this man. I cannot forget\nhim. He\n\nhaunts me. He is a very bad man. He is a very very bad man.\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nI am for open immigration but that sign we have on the front\nof the Statue of\n\nLiberty, 'Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses...',\ncan't we just\n\nsay, 'Hey, the door's open, we'll take whoever you got.'? Do\nwe have to specify\n\nthe wretched refuse? I mean, why don't we just say, 'Give us\nthe unhappy, the\n\nsad, the slow, the ugly, people that can't drive, that they have\ntrouble\n\nmerging, if they can't stay in their lane, if they don't signal,\nthey can't\n\nparallel park, if they're sneezing, if they're stuffed up, if\nthey're clogged,\n\nif they have bad penmanship, don't return calls, if they have\ndandruff, food\n\nbetween their teeth, if they have bad credit, if they have no\ncredit, missed a\n\nspot shaving, in other words any dysfunctional defective slob\nthat you can\n\nsomehow cattle prod onto a wagon, send them over, we want 'em.'\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Shoes.html",
    "text": "THE SHOES\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David & Jerry Seinfeld\n\n(Jerry and George in Jerry's apartment, working on the script\nfor the \"Jerry\" pilot episode.)\n\nGEORGE\nWait a second, wait a second...and then\nthe butler says, \"I'm not cleanin' it\nup! I'm sick of cleaning!\"\n\nJERRY\nThat's funny, that's funny! \"I'm sick\nof cleaning.\" That's very funny.\n\nGEORGE\nI've never seen a pilot script as funny\nas this!\n\nJERRY\nYeah, it's funny!\n\nGEORGE\nI mean, how funny is this?\n\nJERRY\nIt's funny.\n\nGEORGE\nI mean, we're not stupid, right? We\nknow when something's funny!\n\nJERRY\nIt cannot not be funny! Now come on,\nlet's stay with it, we gotta finish\nthis today.\n\nGEORGE\nOkay. Hey, you know what, maybe I should\ngive it to my therapist to read. She's\nsmart, I trust her.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, maybe I'll give it to Elaine.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, you know, we haven't brought the\nElaine character into the show yet.\nWe should try and get her into this\nscene.\n\nJERRY\nRight, right. Okay. (Writing) Elaine\nenters. (Thinks) What does she say...?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know, what do women say?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't even know what they think. That's\nwhy I'm in therapy.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, if we bring Elaine in, it's\ngoing to be so many people to keep track\nof. It's gonna be too hard, I'll forget\nwhere everybody's standing, you, me,\nKramer, the butler, it's too much.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, forget Elaine.\n\nJERRY\nAlright. (They tear the pages out of\ntheir notepads. Kramer enters.)\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nGEORGE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nYou are never gonna believe who I just\nran into today.\n\nJERRY\nWho?\n\nKRAMER\nYour old flame. Gail Cunningham.\n\nJERRY\nDid you talk to her?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I was on my way to the Y, and\nI saw her coming towards me? I didn't\nknow what to do! Because I remembered\nyou had three dates with her and she\nwouldn't kiss you goodnight. So now\nI'm thinking, what is my duty to my\nfriend? Do I acknowledge her? Do I ignore\nher? I mean, what is my responsibility\nhere?\n\nJERRY\nSo what happened?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah, so she sees me and she goes,\n(imitates Gail) \"Oh, hi! Kramer!\" You\nknow? Like nothing happened! Like she\nnever went three dates with you and\nrefused to kiss you goodnight.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I know about the three dates.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know what I did? I snubbed her.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you mean, you snubbed her?\n\nKRAMER\nI walked right by her - bffffft - never\nsaid a word.\n\nJERRY\nRight by her?\n\nKRAMER\nRight by her!\n\nJERRY\nWhat you do say about a guy like this,\nhuh! (George applauds.) You are some\ngreat friend, I tell ya, snubbed her!\n(seriously) Not that I condone it. I've\nnever condoned snubbing in my administration.\nYour loyalty is beyond question.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Well, you know, she was lucky\nI was in a good mood - coulda been a\nlot worse.\n\nNew scene - Jerry and Elaine at the coffee shop. Jerry is showing\nher the script.\n\nELAINE\nI'm not even in here!\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I know.\n\nELAINE\nI thought there was going to be a character\nnamed Elaine Benes.\n\nJERRY\nWell, there were too many people in\nthe room, we couldn't keep track of\neverybody. George, and the butler, and...\n\nELAINE\nYou couldn't \"keep track\" of everybody?\n\nJERRY\nWell, we tried. We couldn't. We didn't\nknow how to, uh...(confessing) ...we\ncouldn't write for a woman. We didn't\nknow what you would say. Even right\nnow, I'm sitting here, I know you're\ngoing to say something, I have no idea\nwhat it is.\n\nELAINE\nYou have no idea?\n\nJERRY\nSomething derogatory? (Gail enters the\ncoffee shop and walks over to the booth.)\n\nGAIL\nI thought I'd find you here.\n\nJERRY\nWell, Gail Cunningham.\n\nELAINE\nHi, Gail.\n\nGAIL\nHi, Elaine. (To Jerry) Hey, what is\nwith your friend Kramer?\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nGAIL\nHe snubbed me.\n\nJERRY\nAre you sure?\n\nGAIL\nYeah, I'm sure. What did you tell him?\n\nJERRY\nNothing. (Elaine grabs Jerry's sandwich\nand is about to take a bite.) Hey, where\nyou goin' with that? Gimme that. (Takes\nback the sandwich.)\n\nELAINE\nI thought you were finished.\n\nJERRY\nI took two bites, how am I finished?\n(Elaine coughs.) Plus you're coming\ndown with something? You want me to\nget sick? (Offers Gail the sandwich)\nBite?\n\nGAIL\nSo, how come? Why did Kramer do that?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know. Once he leaves the building,\nhe's out of my jurisdiction.\n\nGAIL\nWell, tell him that I am mad at him.\n\nJERRY\nAlright. So, where ya cookin' now?\n\nGAIL\nPfeiffer's.\n\nJERRY\nAh, the power lunch crowd.\n\nGAIL\nNice shoes!\n\nELAINE\nOh. Thank you.\n\nGAIL\nWhere'd you get 'em?\n\nELAINE\nThey're um, Botticelli's.\n\nGAIL\nOoh, Botticelli's! Look at you! I'm\nafraid to go in there.\n\nELAINE\nReally.\n\nJERRY\nWould you care to join us?\n\nGAIL\nNo, no, I gotta get to the restaurant.\n(Looks at her watch.) Oh! See ya. (Exits.)\n\nJERRY\nSee ya.\n\nELAINE\n\"Oh, look at you, the Botticelli's.\"\n\nJERRY\nThat bothered you?\n\nELAINE\nYes, it bothered me. So I bought a pair\nof shoes at Botticelli's, I'm not allowed\nto shop there? That really embarrassed\nme.\n\nJERRY\nIt did?\n\nELAINE\nYes! Couldn't you see that?\n\nJERRY\nNo. This is why you're not in the pilot.\n\nNew scene - George in a session with Dana, his therapist.\n\nDANA\nWell, George, I think you're beginning\nto get some perspective on things. I\nthink we're making progress.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, I feel like I've grown.\n\nDANA\nGood. So, let's pick up on this next\nweek.\n\nGEORGE\nGreat. (They both stand.) Oh, by the\nway, did you get a chance to read the\nscript?\n\nDANA\nYes, yes I did.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, what'd you think?\n\nDANA\nUh...it was...good.\n\nGEORGE\nYou didn't like it?\n\nDANA\nWell, no, I -\n\nGEORGE\nI can't believe this! What was wrong\nwith it? What didn't you like about\nit?\n\nDANA\nIt wasn't funny.\n\nGEORGE\nIt wasn't funny? What, are you kidding?\n\nDANA\nNo, I didn't find it funny.\n\nGEORGE\nYou didn't find it funny?! This is what\nI'm paying for?\n\nDANA\nWell, that whole storyline about a guy\nwho gets into a car accident, doesn't\nhave any insurance, so the judge sentences\nhim to be a butler? I didn't really\nbuy that.\n\nGEORGE\nLet me tell you who did, uh, buy it...we\npitched this story to Russell Dalrymple,\nthe president of NBC, and he ate it\nup with a spoon.\n\nDANA\nGeorge, if you're going to be in a creative\nfield, you're going to have to learn\nhow to deal with criticism.\n\nGEORGE\nHow's this for criticism? Um...you stink.\nHow do like that criticism? You know\nwhat's funny to me? That diploma up\non the wall. That is my idea of \"com-med-dee\"!\nYou sitting here, telling people what\nto do.\n\nDANA\nI think you'd better go.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, I'm goin' baby. I'm goin.' (Heads\nfor the door, then stops.) It's Jerry's\nfault. He took out all my good lines.\nHe's such a control freak!\n\nNew scene - Jerry and George in Jerry's apartment. They're both\nstanding by the door. Elaine enters.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, you send me to this therapist to\nhelp me with my emotional disorders,\nand she criticizes our script. (Tosses\nthe script to Jerry.) What kind of a\ntherapist is that?\n\nELAINE\nI guess she didn't think it was funny.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, she didn't think it was funny. What\nis she, Rowan & Martin? We're supposed\nto meet with NBC tomorrow! She completely\nshattered my confidence. And I'm paying\nfor this, she's my employee!\n\nJERRY\nI thought your mother's paying for it.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd she slaves to earn every penny.\nSo that someday, I might be able to\nwalk up to a woman and say, \"Yes, I'm\nbald, but I'm still a good person.\"\n\nJERRY\nYou know, he's right. It's not her place\nto criticize the script, which reminds\nme - what did you think of it? You never\ntold me.\n\nELAINE\nWhat did I think of it? (Manufactures\na cough instead of answering. Kramer\nenters.)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, buddy, I got something to tell\nya. (Elaine runs towards to the bathroom\nin lieu of answering Jerry's question.)\n\nJERRY\nHey, one second, you don't get off that\neasy. C'mon, tell me what you thought.\n\nELAINE\nWell, you know, I...\n\nKRAMER\nI just kissed Gail Cunningham. (Jerry\nturns and looks at Kramer, shocked.\nElaine grins and heads to the bathroom.)\n\nJERRY\nYou what?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I kissed her.\n\nJERRY\nYou kissed her?\n\nKRAMER\nRight on the mouth.\n\nJERRY\nWhat kinda great friend are you? How\ndo you go from snubbing to kissing?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I saw her outside the Y, you know,\nshe came up to me, she started yelling\nbecause I snubbed her, and then we started\ntalking a little bit, and I walked her\nto her building. And just before I left,\nI put my arm around her waist, I pulled\nher to me, and I - mmm - I planted one!\n(Laughs.)\n\nJERRY\nAnd what did she do?\n\nKRAMER\nShe kissed me back.\n\nJERRY\nI don't get this. I go out with this\ngirl three times, she doesn't want to\nshake my hand - why's she kissing you?\n\nKRAMER\nBecause I snubbed her. You see? Women,\nthey like that! Yes! I understand women.\nThe snub is good, they love the snub!\n\nGEORGE\nNo they don't. I tried that once. I\nsnubbed for a year. Nothing. Every woman\nI saw, I snubbed. You never saw people\nso pleased. (Elaine returns from the\nbathroom.)\n\nKRAMER\nOoh, so...I understand you're buying\nnew shoes now at Botticelli's.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? Who told you that?\n\nKRAMER\nGail Cunningham.\n\nELAINE\nI don't understand, why is this woman\ntalking about my shoes? Why are my shoes\na topic of conversation?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you know, we were just talking,\nand she mentioned how you're buying\nyour shoes now at Botticelli's.\n\nELAINE\n\"How I'm buying my shoes now at Botticelli's!\"\nDid you hear this? (Shoves Jerry and\nKramer.)\n\nJERRY\nSo what?\n\nELAINE\nSo what?! She is talking about my shoes!\nShe is discussing my shoes! It is nobody's\nbusiness where I buy my shoes! (Storms\nover to the couch and angrily sits down.\nJerry, Kramer and George look at Elaine\nfrom the kitchen, comically puzzled\nby her outburst...)\n\nNew scene - Gail cooking in the kitchen at Pfeiffer's Restaurant.\nElaine marches in.\n\nELAINE\nHey! Gail!\n\nGAIL\nElaine...!\n\nELAINE\nWhy are you talking about my shoes?\n\nGAIL\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nMy Botticelli shoes. You've been talking\nabout my Botticelli shoes.\n\nGAIL\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nELAINE\nDid you or did you not tell Kramer that\nI got my shoes at Botticelli's? (A waiter\ncomes over and puts a plate of food\non Gail's cutting board.)\n\nWAITER\nToo spicy. He wants another one. You\ngot that pasta primavera?\n\nGAIL\nLook Elaine, I am very busy here.\n\nELAINE\nWho else have you mentioned my shoes\nto, huh? I wanna know why my footwear\nis your conversation!\n\nGAIL\nI am not discussing this. This is insane.\n\nWAITER\nYou got that pasta primavera? Let's\ngo! (Gail passes the plate to the waiter\nin front of Elaine. Elaine sneezes on\nit. The waiter brings the pasta to the\ndining room and serves it to Russell\nDalrymple, the president of NBC.) Here\nyou are, Mr. Dalrymple.\n\nRUSSELL\nThank you.\n\nWAITER\nSorry for the delay. Enjoy your lunch.\n\nNew scene - Jerry and George arrive at Dalrymple's apartment\nto discuss the script.\n\nRUSSELL\nWell, come in. (They shake hands.) Awfully\nsorry to make you come up here, but\nI really wasn't feeling well enough\nto go back to the office, and well,\nit's the only chance I have to meet\nwith you this week.\n\nJERRY\nAre you alright?\n\nRUSSELL\nWell, it's my stomach. I think there\nmust have been something in the pasta\nprimavera I had for lunch.\n\nJERRY\nWhere did you eat?\n\nRUSSELL\nPfeiffer's.\n\nJERRY\nAh. I know the chef there.\n\nRUSSELL\nYeah. The food's usually terrific.\n\nGEORGE\nMy cousin worked for Bouchard's. They\nused to use the bouilla-base for a toilet.\n(Jerry and Russell are shocked.)\n\nRUSSELL\nWhat are you saying?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, you didn't hear it from me, but\nneedless to say, if you go in there\n- stick with the consumee.\n\nRUSSELL\nWell, we'd better get started, my daughter's\ngoing to be here soon.\n\nJERRY\nOh, you have a daughter?\n\nRUSSELL\nYeah, she just turned fifteen last week.\n\nGEORGE\nAw, that's a fun age. (Jerry looks at\nGeorge distastefully.)\n\nRUSSELL\nAlright. The script. Now, I've read\nthis thing three times...and everytime\nI read it...(looks nauseous, struggles\nnot to vomit.)\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nRUSSELL\nExcuse me for a second. (Gets up and\nruns to the bathroom.)\n\nGEORGE\nWould you like a Pepto-Bismol? I keep\nthem in my wallet...! (Russell goes\ninto the bathroom and shuts the door.)\n(To Jerry) Do you think he liked it?\n(From the bathroom, we hear Russell\nviolently heaving his guts.)\n\nJERRY\nI'm not sure. (The sounds of Russell\nvomiting emanate from the bathroom.\nJerry and George sit there uncomfortably.)\nWhat was that dish he said he had...?\n\nGEORGE\nPasta primavera.\n\nJERRY\nAh. You know, 'primavera' is Italian\nfor 'spring.'\n\nGEORGE\nNo!\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nRUSSELL\nReally, I'm terribly sorry, it just,\nuh...all of a sudden it just hit me.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, you were saying how, um...about\nthe script...\n\nRUSSELL\nRight. The script. Your script needs\nsome...it needs, um...(looks nauseous\nagain. Gets up and runs to the bathroom\na second time.)\n\nGEORGE\nMore jokes?\n\nJERRY\nAnother ending?\n\nGEORGE\nA different name for the butler? (Russell\nthrows up again.)\n\nJERRY\nMaybe we should go.\n\nGEORGE\nWe haven't heard his notes yet, we don't\nknow how he feels about our work. (Russell\nthrows up yet again.)\n\nRUSSELL\nOh God. Oh my god.\n\nJERRY\nI can't listen to anymore of this, the\nguy's losing a lung in there. (Russell's\ndaughter Molly enters.)\n\nMOLLY\nHello.\n\nJERRY\nHi.\n\nGEORGE\nHi.\n\nMOLLY\nI'm Molly.\n\nJERRY\nI'm Jerry.\n\nGEORGE\nGeorge.\n\nJERRY\nWe're here discussing our script with\nyour father.\n\nGEORGE\nHe just read it. (Russell vomits again.\nJerry and George look ashamed.)\n\nMOLLY\nDaddy? Are you okay?\n\nRUSSELL\nYeah, sweetie. I'm fine. (Molly sits\non the back of the chair.)\n\nGEORGE\nSo, you live with your mother, huh?\n\nMOLLY\nUh, yeah.\n\nGEORGE\nDivorce is very difficult. Especially\non a kid. Of course, I'm the result\nof my parents having stayed together,\nso you never know. (Russell comes out\nof the bathroom.)\n\nMOLLY\nDaddy, are you alright? What's the matter?\n\nRUSSELL\nIt's just a stomach thing.\n\nMOLLY\nYuck.\n\nRUSSELL\nWe're going to have to do this some\nother time, so if you'll give me your\nnumber, I'll call you later. (Jerry\nand George nod. Molly takes her jacket\noff.)\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, suddenly I'm in the mood for\npasta primavera myself. (Jerry nudges\nGeorge to sneak a peek at Molly's cleavage\nas she bends over and looks in her backpack.\nJerry has a quick look, but George stares,\nhypnotized. Russell comes up behind\nGeorge.)\n\nRUSSELL\nGet a good look, Costanza?\n\nNew scene - Jerry and George in Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nWhat were you doing?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, it's not my fault. You poked me!\n\nJERRY\nYou're supposed to just take a peek\nafter a poke. You were like you just\nput a quarter into one of those big\nmetal things on top of the Empire State\nBuilding.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's cleavage. I couldn't look away.\nWhat am I, waiting to win an Oscar here?\nThis is all I have in my life.\n\nJERRY\nLooking at cleavage is like looking\nat the sun, you don't stare at it. It's\ntoo risky. You get a sense of it and\nthen you look away.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. So, he caught me in a cleavage\npeek, so big deal. Who wouldn't look\nat his daughter's cleavage? She's got\nnice cleavage.\n\nJERRY\nThat's why I poked.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's why I peeked. (Jerry opens the\ndoor to take some trash out, and meets\nKramer and Gail in the hallway.)\n\nGAIL\nHey! What is with your friend Elaine?\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGAIL\nShe comes to my restaurant, comes right\nin my kitchen, and starts complaining\nthat I'm talking about her shoes.\n\nKRAMER\nRight in the kitchen. Disgraceful.\n\nGAIL\nI don't want people coming into my kitchen.\nI think she might have sneezed all over\nsomeone's pasta primavera. Someone might\nhave gotten sick because of her. (Kramer\nand Gail exit.)\n\nGEORGE\nPasta primavera?\n\nJERRY\nIs that what she said? (Kramer pokes\nhis head back in the door.)\n\nKRAMER\nShe's somethin', huh? She's a wild one.\nShe's wearin' me out.\n\nJERRY\nShe is?\n\nKRAMER\nShe's sensual. You know, with the...cooking\nand all. (Kramer grins happily at Jerry\nand leaves. The phone rings. Jerry tosses\nthe trashbag to George.)\n\nJERRY\nHello? Oh, hi Stu.\n\nGEORGE\nFrom NBC?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. What's goin' on? What? Really?\nOh my god....did he give you a reason?...Oh\nboy. Okay. Alright. Thanks. (hangs up.)\nDalrymple just cancelled the pilot.\n(George drops the bag, shocked.)\n\nCommercial break.\n\nNew scene - Jerry, George and Elaine in Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nIf you hadn't gone into her restaurant,\nthis never would have happened.\n\nELAINE\nLook, I don't like people talking about\nmy shoes behind my back, okay? My shoes\nare my business. The two of you shouldn't\nhave been looking at some fifteen year-old's\ncleavage anyway!\n\nGEORGE\nHe poked me!\n\nJERRY\nThere was cleavage in the area. That's\na reflex - (mimics nudging someone with\nan elbow) - cleavage-poke, cleavage-poke...\n\nELAINE\nBut she was fifteen.\n\nJERRY\nYou don't consider age in the face of\ncleavage. This occurs on a molecular\nlevel, you can't control it! We're like\nsome kind of weird fish where the eyes\noperate independently of the head.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, what's the difference. What\nare we gonna do now? He won't take our\ncalls, we can't get into his office...\n\nJERRY\nYou know what we could do? He eats at\nthat restaurant, Pfeiffer's? We could\nhave Gail call us, tell us the next\ntime he's there, go there and talk to\nhim.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, now you're onto something.\n\nJERRY\nThe whole thing is so stupid. Like he\nwouldn't do the same thing if Elaine\nwalked by in a low-cut dress.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Well, maybe not Elaine, but...somebody\nlike Gail, though.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? What do you mean, Gail? (Kramer\nenters.)\n\nKRAMER\nYah-hey.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, listen, I want you to ask Gail\nto do me a favor. The next time Russell\nDalrymple comes in the restaurant, ask\nher if she would call me.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, I'll call her right now. (Kramer\ngoes back to his apartment.)\n\nELAINE\nWhat do you mean, Gail? You don't think\nI can attract attention? You don't think\nI can put asses in the seats?\n\nJERRY\nLook, sweetheart, you know you've got\nit all. But let's face it... (Kramer\ncomes back.)\n\nKRAMER\nShe said she'll do it.\n\nJERRY\nBeautiful.\n\nKRAMER\nBut she wants the shoes.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nShe says she wants those shoes.\n\nELAINE\nShe wants my shoes? What kind of person\nis this? Alright! She is not getting\n'em!\n\nJERRY\nNo, come on! I'll buy you another pair!\n\nELAINE\nNo, these were the last pair of these\nthat they had!\n\nJERRY\nI'll get you another one just like it!\n\nELAINE\nNo, but these were the only really cool\nones like this! Don't you see how everybody\nlikes 'em and how everybody talks about\n'em? (Jerry, realizing Elaine's motivation,\nsits at the counter unbelievingly.)\n\nGEORGE\nElaine, this pilot...it doesn't matter\nto me, it's not me I'm concerned about...it's\nmy mother. I've been over to the hospital\nto see her...\n\nELAINE\nOh yeah, because she caught you jer\n-\n\nGEORGE\nNever mind!\n\nELAINE\nOh, come on, wait a second, this whole\nthing is ridiculous. How do I even know\nshe wears the same size?\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, what size are you?\n\nELAINE\nSeven-and-a-half.\n\nKRAMER\nEh! Bingo.\n\nNew scene - Gail in the kitchen at Pfeiffer's. She notices Dalrymple\nbeing shown to his table.\n\nGAIL\nSauce this. (Goes to the telephone and\ndials.) Yeah, he's here. Oh, and one\nmore thing...bring the shoes. (Hangs\nup.)\n\nContinuation of last scene - Russell eating at the restaurant.\nJerry and George arrive. Jerry hands the shoes to Gail, and they\nwalk over to Russell's table.\n\nJERRY\nHey! Whattaya know!\n\nGEORGE\nLook who's here!\n\nJERRY\nFancy meeting you here!\n\nRUSSELL\nOh. Hello.\n\nGEORGE\nPasta primavera! Back on the horse.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, it's a funny thing, because\nafter the pilot got cancelled, we hadn't\nheard from you.\n\nGEORGE\nDidn't hear anything...\n\nJERRY\nDidn't know...we were wondering...what\nhappened.\n\nRUSSELL\nIt just didn't seem to be the right\nproject for us right now. (Elaine walks\nby in a low-cut dress. Jerry and George\nlook at her as she moves to the table\nopposite Russell.) So, what were you\nsaying?\n\nGEORGE\nOh...uh, because if it had anything\nat all to do with what you perceived\nas me leering at your daughter, I really\nhave to take issue with that. I did\nnot leer. (To Jerry) Did I leer?\n\nJERRY\nNo leer. (Elaine comes over to Russell's\ntable.)\n\nELAINE\nExcuse me, are you using that ketchup?\n\nRUSSELL\nUh, no. (Elaine takes the ketchup and\ngoes back to her table.)\n\nGEORGE\nBecause, if I'm looking straight ahead,\nand something enters my field of vision,\nthat's merely a happenstance. (Elaine\nloudly snaps and unfolds her napkin\nat the next table to get Russell's attention.)\n\nRUSSELL\nUnder the circumstances, I don't really\nfeel that we should be in business together.\n(Elaine comes back over.)\n\nELAINE\nHere's your ketchup back. You know,\nI had the hardest time trying to get\nsome out. I mean, I just kept pounding\nand pounding on the bottom of it. Do\nyou have any trouble?\n\nRUSSELL\nNo.\n\nELAINE\nDo you have a...ketchup secret?\n\nRUSSELL\nNo, I... (finally notices Elaine)...don't\nhave a ketchup secret. (Smiles.)\n\nELAINE\nBecause if you do have a ketchup secret,\nI would really, really like to know\nwhat it is. (Russell is pleased, and\nsmiles at Elaine. Elaine goes back to\nher table, sits down, and waves at Russell.)\n\nRUSSELL\nField of vision, huh?\n\nCommercial break.\n\nNew scene - Jerry, George and Elaine having dinner at Pfeiffer's.\nGail comes over to the table.\n\nGAIL\nHow's everything?\n\nELAINE\nMmmm.\n\nJERRY\nReally good.\n\nGEORGE\nThis pasta primavera is fabulous.\n\nJERRY\nVery tasty.\n\nGAIL\nHow'd everything go with that NBC guy?\n\nGEORGE\nGreat.\n\nJERRY\nThe pilot's back on. In fact, Elaine's\ngoing out with him tomorrow night. (Gail\nnods and walks away.) Listen, Elaine,\nif Russell mentions anything about the\npilot, you'll of course tell him how\nmuch you liked it...?\n\nELAINE\nYou know, I happen to have the script\nright here with me and, uh...on page\n3, for example, suppose the Elaine character\ncomes in wearing a...a low-cut dress.\nAnd the butler is very distracted, and\ncan't work.\n\nJERRY\nUh...that kind of comedy, that's a little\nbroad for us.\n\nELAINE\nWell, I'm sure it's right up Russell's\nalley.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, it's a funny idea.\n\nJERRY\nIt's funny!\n\nGEORGE\nC'mon, funny is funny.\n\nJERRY\nFunny is funny, we're here to entertain,\nright?\n\nELAINE\nWell, maybe I'll mention it to Russell\ntomorrow night.\n\nJERRY\nIf you can.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Where's he taking you, by the\nway?\n\nELAINE\nBouchard's, on 53rd. (George starts\nchoking on his wine, and attempts to\ntell Elaine something.)\n\nJERRY\nI think what he's trying to say is,\n\"get the bouilla-base.\" (George nods\n'yes' and continues to choke.)\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Outing.html",
    "text": "THE OUTING\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry Charles\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nI don't know about you, but I'm getting\nsick of pretending to be excited\n\nevery time it's somebody's birthday, you know what I mean? What\nis the\n\nbig deal? How many times do we have to celebrate that someone\nwas born?\n\nEvery year, over and over... All you did was not die for twelve\nmonths.\n\nThat's all you've done, as far as I can tell. Now those astrology\n\nthings where they tell you all the people that have the same\nbirthday as\n\nyou? It's always an odd group of people too, isn't it? It's like\nEd\n\nAsner, Elijah Muhammed and Secretariat.\n\n(George dropping off his date for the night)\n\nALLISON\nI don't want to *live*! I don't want\nto *live*!\n\nGEORGE\nBecause of me? You must be joking! Who\nwouldn't want to live because\n\nof me? I'm nothing!\n\nALLISON\nNo... You're *something*.\n\nGEORGE\nYou can do better than me. You could\nthrow a dart out the window and\n\nhit someone better than me. I'm no good!\n\nALLISON\nYou're good. You're *good*!\n\nGEORGE\nI'm bad. I'm *bad*!\n\nALLISON\nYou're *killing* me!\n\nGEORGE\nSo what could I do? I couldn't go through\nwith it. She threatened\n\nto kill herself.\n\nELAINE\nOver you?\n\nGEORGE\nYes. Why, is that so inconceivable?\n\n(Elaine and George exchange thoughts on what they got Jerry for\nhis birthday)\n\nGEORGE\nI got two tickets to see \"Guys And Dolls\".\n\nELAINE\nI got him a two-line phone.\n\n(Jerry returns to the booth and explains the phone call.)\n\nJERRY\nUnbelievable! She's not there.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat paper does she write for?\n\nJERRY\nThe works for the NYU school newspaper.\nShe's a grad student in\n\njournalism. Never been to a comedy club. Never even seen me,\nhas\n\nno idea who I am.\n\nELAINE\nNever even seen you? Gotta kinda envy\nthat...\n\nJERRY\nY'know, you've been developing quite\nthe acid-tongue lately...\n\nELAINE\n(Proudly) Really?\n\nELAINE\nHey, who do you think is the most unattractive\nworld leader?\n\nJERRY\nLiving or all time?\n\nELAINE\nAll time.\n\nJERRY\nWell, if it's all time, then there's\nno contest. It begins and ends\n\nwith Brezhnev.\n\nELAINE\nI dunno. You ever get a good look at\nDeGaulle?\n\nGEORGE\nLyndon Johnson was uglier than Degaulle.\n\nELAINE\nI got news for you. Golda Meir could\nmake 'em all run up a tree.\n\nELAINE\nY'know, just because you two are homosexuals,\nso what? I mean you\n\nshould just come out of the closet and be openly gay already.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, whaddya say? You know you'll always\nbe the only man I'll ever love.\n\nJERRY\n(indignantly) What's the matter with\nyou?\n\nGEORGE\n(quietly) C'mon, go along...\n\nJERRY\nI'm not goin' along. I can just see\nyou in Berlin in 1939 goose-\n\nSTEPPING PAST ME\n\"C'mon Jerry, go along, go along...\"\n\nJERRY\nY'know I hear that all the time.\n\nELAINE\nHear what?\n\nJERRY\nThat I'm gay. People think I'm gay.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, you know people ask me that about\nyou, too.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, 'cuz I'm single, I'm thin and\nI'm neat.\n\nELAINE\nAnd you get along well with women.\n\nGEORGE\nI guess that leaves me in the clear...\n\nGEORGE\nI just thought of a great name for myself,\nif I ever become a porno\n\nactor.\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah, what? \"Buck Naked\"?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, how did you know that?\n\nJERRY\nYou told me that already like two months\nago.\n\nGEORGE\nAllison bought it for me.\n\nJERRY\nHow you gonna get out of *that* one?\n\nGEORGE\nI dunno. I guess I have to wait for\nher to die.\n\nJERRY\nHe's gonna hang around if that's alright\nwith you?\n\nSHARON\nSure, I'd like to talk to him, too.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry did you wash this pear?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I washed it.\n\nGEORGE\nIt looks like it hasn't been washed.\n\nJERRY\nSo *wash* *it*.\n\nGEORGE\nYou hear the way he talks to me?\n\nSHARON\nYou should hear how *my* boyfriend talks\nto me...\n\nGEROGE\nLet me ask you something. What do you\nthink of this shirt?\n\nSHARON\nIt's nice.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry said he didn't like it.\n\nJERRY\nI didn't say I didn't like it. I said\nit was O.K...\n\nGEORGE\nNo, you said you didn't like it...\n\nJERRY\nOh, so what if I don't like it. Is that\nlike the end of the world, or\n\nsomething?\n\nSHARON\nSo how did you two meet?\n\nJERRY\nActually, we met in the gym locker room.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Actually it was in gym class.\nI was trying to climb the ropes\n\nand Jerry was spotting me. I kept slipping and burning my thighs\nand\n\nthen finally I slipped and fell on Jerry's head. We've been close\never\n\nsince.\n\nSHARON\nDo you guys live together?\n\nJERRY\n(quizzically) Live together?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I got my own place.\n\nSHARON\nAnd do your parents know?\n\nJERRY\nKnow *what*?\n\nGEORGE\nMy parents? They don't know *what's*\ngoin' on...\n\nJERRY\nOh God, you're that girl in the coffee\nshop that was eavesdropping on\n\nus. I *knew* you looked familiar!\n\nJERRY\nThere's been a big misunderstanding\nhere! We did that whole thing\n\nfor your benefit. We knew you were eavesdropping. That's why\nmy\n\nfriend said all that. It was on purpose! We're not gay! Not that\n\nthere's anything wrong with that...\n\nGEORGE\nNo, of course not...\n\nJERRY\nI mean that's fine if that's who you\nare...\n\nGEORGE\nAbsolutely...\n\nJERRY\nI mean I have many gay friends...\n\nGEORGE\nMy *father* is gay...\n\nSHARON\nLook, I know what I heard.\n\nJERRY\nIt was a *joke*...\n\nGEORGE\nLook, you wanna have sex right now?\nDo want to have sex with me right\n\nnow? Let's go! C'mon, let's go baby! C'mon!\n\nKRAMER\nHey, C'mon! Let's go! I thought we were\ngoing to take a steam!\n\nGEORGE\nNo!\n\nJERRY\nNo steam!\n\nKRAMER\nWell I don't want to sit there naked\nall by myself!\n\nKRAMER\nHappy birthday paruba!\n\nJERRY\nToday's not my birthday.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I beg to differ...\n\nJERRY\nLook at this! A phone! A two-line phone!\n\nJERRY\nHey, where you going?\n\nELAINE\nI gotta go return something...\n\nSHARON\nJerry, it's Sharon from NYU. I'm just\ncalling to tell you that I'm not\n\ngoing to play up that angle we talked about and I'm sorry.\n\nJERRY\nThank you very much, that's great- )click(\nOh! Hold on a sec, I got\n\na call on the other line. )click click( Hello?\n\nGEORGE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey, how ya doin'? Y'know I got that\nreporter from the newspaper on\n\nthe other line.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, what did she say?\n\nJERRY\nShe says she's not going to play up\nthat angle of the story. She\n\nthinks we're heterosexual. (sarcastically) I guess we *fooled*\nher.\n\nI'll get rid of her, hold on... )click click( Sharon? Hello?\nSharon,\n\nare you there? )click click( I'm back...\n\nGEORGE\nY'know... I could hear you on the other\nline...\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you talkin' about?\n\nGEORGE\nI heard what you said: \"Sharon, are\nyou there?\".\n\nJERRY\nYou heard me talkin' on the other line,\nare you sure?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, I heard you!\n\nJERRY\nWell, maybe she was disconnected.\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe she wasn't! Maybe she heard the\nwhole conversation!\n\nJERRY\nAlright, hang on. Let me call Kramer\nand see if you can hear anything,\n\nhold on. )click click click(...\n\nKRAMER\nYello?\n\nJERRY\nKramer, there may be a problem with\nthe phone, hold on. )click click(\n\nGEORGE\n\"There may be a problem with the phone,\nhold on\"!\n\nJERRY\nOh no! )click click( Kramer, this phone's\na piece of junk, goodbye!\n\nGEORGE\n\"The phone's a piece of junk, goodbye\"!\n\nJERRY\nOh no! Now she's heard everything! What\nare we gonna do?!?\n\nGEORGE\nNow she thinks we're gay, not that there's\nanything wrong with it...\n\nJERRY\nNo, no, of course not! People's personal\nsexual preferences are\n\nnobody's business but their own!\n\nSHARON\nWhy don't you take a seat?\n\nELAINE\nThank-you.\n\nSHARON\nWhy don't you take your coat off?\n\nELAINE\nSo she kept insisting I take off my\ncoat. I refused, and then she\n\nforcibly tried to get me to remove it.\n\nJERRY\nShe wouldn't take her coat off at my\nhouse, either.\n\nGEORGE\nY'know there are tribes in Indonesia\nwhere if you keep your coat on\n\nin somebody's house, the families go to war!\n\nJERRY\nSo you don't take your coat off, and\nnow everyone at NYU thinks I'm gay.\n\nNot that there's anything wrong with that...\n\nGEORGE\nNot at all.\n\nGEORGE\nTwo tickets to \"Guys And Dolls\"! I'm\ngonna go with you!\n\nJERRY\n\"Guys And Dolls\"? Isn't that a lavish,\nBroadway musical?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's \"Guys And *Dolls*\", not \"Guys And\n*Guys*\".\n\nJERRY\n\"The Collected Works Of Bette Midler\".\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you got there?\n\nMAN #1\n_The New York Post_, they've got an\narticle about you.\n\nJERRY\n\"Although they maintain separate residences,\nthe comedian and his\n\nlong-time *companion* seem to be inseparable...\" Oh no! The Associated\n\nPress picked up the NYU story. That's going to be in every paper!\n\nI've been \"outed\"! I wasn't even \"in\"!\n\nGEORGE\nNow everyone's going to think we're\ngay!\n\nJERRY\nNot that there's anything wrong with\nthat...\n\nGEORGE\nNo, not at all...\n\n54)\n\nJERRY\n\"Within the confines of his fastidious\nbachelor *pad*, Seinfeld and\n\nCostanza bicker over the cleanliness of a piece of *fruit* like\nan old\n\nmarried couple--\" *I told you that pear was washed*!\n\nKRAMER\nI thought we were friends...\n\nJERRY\nHere we go...\n\nKRAMER\nI mean, how could you two keep this\na secret from me?\n\nJERRY\nIt's not true!\n\nKRAMER\nAaaah! Enough lying! The lying is through!\nC'mon, Jerry, the\n\nmasquerade is over. You're thin, late thirties, single...\n\nJERRY\nSo are you...\n\nKRAMER\nYeah--\n\nGEORGE\nHello?\n\nMRS. S\nGeorge?\n\nGEORGE\nMrs. Seinfeld?!?\n\nMRS. S\nOh, my God...\n\nJERRY\nOh, my God! (takes the phone) Ma?\n\nMRS. S\nJerry?\n\nJERRY\nMa!\n\nGEORGE\nOh, my God! My *MOTHER*!!!\n\nMRS. S\nJerry?\n\nJERRY\nMa, it's not true!\n\nMR. S\nIt's those damn culottes you made him\nwear when he was five!\n\nMRS. S\nThey weren't culottes, they were shorts.\n\nMR. S\nThey were culottes! You bought them\nin the girl's department.\n\nMRS. S\nBy mistake! By mistake, Jerry! I'm sorry!\n\nMR. S\nIt looked like he was wearing a skirt,\nfor crying out loud!\n\nJERRY\nMa, it has nothing to do with the culottes!\n\nMRS. S\nNot that there's anything wrong with\nthat, Jerry.\n\nMRS. C\nI open up the paper, and *this* is what\nI have to read about? I fell\n\nright off the toilet. My back went out again, I couldn't move...\n\nThe super had to come and get help me up. I was half naked!\n\nGEROGE\nIt's *not* *true*!\n\nMRS. C\nEvery *day* it's something else with\nyou. I don't know anything about\n\nyou any more. Who are you? What kind of life are you leading?\nWho\n\nknows *what* you're doing? Maybe you're making porno films.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. I'm Buck Naked.\n\nMRS. C\nJerry, I can see. He's so neat and thin.\nNot that there's anything\n\nwrong with it.\n\nGEORGE\nOf course not...\n\nNURSE\n6:30, Scott. Time for your sponge bath.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, now the play is tomorrow night.\nSo do you want to have dinner\n\nfirst, or do you just want to meet at the theatre?\n\nSAILOR\nExcuse me, sir? I don't mean to bother\nyou. I just wanted you to\n\nknow that it took a lot of guts to come out the way you did,\nand that\n\nyou've inspired me to do the same, even though that may mean\na\n\ndischarge from the service. Thanks.\n\nJERRY\nY'know, I think I'll pass on the \"Guys\nAnd Dolls\"...\n\nGEORGE\nNo. Just imagine her reaction.\n\nELAINE\nYeah...\n\nGEORGE\nOh, my God...\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nShe hasn't seen the article! When she\nsees it, she's gonna think--\n\n*I'm out baby*!! I'm out!!!!!\n\nALLISON\nYeah? So?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah so??\n\nALLISON\nWell this is nice. They mention your\nname.\n\nGEORGE\nDon't you see what it says here? Don't\nyou understand what that's\n\nimplying?\n\nALLISON\nNo, what?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm gay! I'm a gay man! I'm very, very\ngay.\n\nALLISON\nYou're *gay*?\n\nGEORGE\nExtraordinarily gay. Steeped in gayness.\n\nALLISON\n(matter-of-factly) I don't believe it.\n\nGEORGE\nYou don't believe me? Ask Jerry.\n\nALLISON\nI will.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat do you mean you will? That's a\nbad idea. Jerry is a very\n\nprivate person.\n\nALLISON\n(Grabs George's lapels) I want to hear\nit from *Jerry*...\n\n11)\n\nSHARON\nOh, can you ever forgive me?\n\nJERRY\nI dunno... (they kiss again) *Alright*,\nI forgive you...\n\nSHARON\nY'know the funny thing is, I was attracted\nto you immediately.\n\nJERRY\nI was attracted to you, too. You remind\nme of Lois Lane.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry! Oh, my God! What are you doing!?!\n\nJERRY\nWhat!?\n\nGEORGE\nYou're with a *woman*!\n\nJERRY\nI know! What are you doin' here?!?\n\nGEORGE\nI leave you alone for two seconds, and\nthis is what you do! I\n\ntrusted you!\n\nJERRY\n(forcibly removing G. from the apt)\nWould you get the Hell out of\n\nhere!\n\nSHARON\nWhat's going on?\n\nALLISON\nYeah, what's going on?\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, tell her. Go ahead.\n\nJERRY\nTell her what?\n\nGEORGE\nY'know. About *us*.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, I'll tell you the truth. I'm\nnot gay. My name's Buck Naked,\n\nI'm a porno actor.\n\nALLISON\n*Really*?\n\nKRAMER\nWe'll see you later...\n\nKRAMER\nHe's the *phone* man!\n\nKRAMER\nNot that there's anything wrong with\nthat...\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nI am not gay. I am, however, thin, single\nand neat. Sometimes when\n\nsomeone is thin, single and neat people assume they are gay because\nthat\n\nis a stereotype. They normally don't think of gay people as fat,\nsloppy\n\nand married. Although I'm sure there are, I don't want to perpetuate\n\nthe stereotype. I'm sure they are the minority though within\nthe gay\n\ncommunity. They're probably discriminated against because of\nthat,\n\npeople say to them \"Y'know Joe, I enjoy being gay with you but\nI think\n\nthink it's about time, y'know that you got in shape, tucked the\nshirt\n\nin and lost the wife\". But if people are even going to assume\nthat\n\nthink Joe might be a little... (waves hand back and forth)\",\nthey should\n\nVACUUM\n\"Y'know I think Joe might be )vroom(\n(makes vacuuming motion).\n\nYeah, I got a feeling he's a little )vrooom(...\"\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Old-Man.html",
    "text": "THE OLD MAN\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry Charles\n\n(Monk's)\n\nGEORGE\nOh, what's the point? When I like them,\nthey don't like me, when\n\nthey like me, I don't like them. Why can't I act with the ones\nI\n\nlike the same way I do with the ones I don't like?\n\nJERRY\nWell, you've only got another fifty\nyears or so to go before it'll\n\n*all* be over...\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe I need someone who doesn't speak\nEnglish.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, how about a mute?\n\nGEORGE\nA mute would be good.\n\nJERRY\nAh, where you gonna meet a mute?\n\nGEORGE\nThis is what my life has come to...\nTryin to meet a mute.\n\nGEORGE\nI dunno, Jerry somethin's missing. There's\na void, Jerry,\n\nthere's a void...\n\nJERRY\nA deep, yawning chasm...\n\nGEORGE\nThere's gotta be more to life than this.\nWhat gives you pleasure?\n\nJERRY\nListening to you. I listen to this for\nfifteen minutes and I'm on\n\ntop of the world. Your misery is my pleasure.\n\nELAINE\nHey boys!\n\nJERRY\nHey! How you doin'?\n\nELAINE\nGood. Okay, well, it's all set. I start\ntomorrow.\n\nGEORGE\nStart what?\n\nELAINE\nI signed up to do volunteer work with\nsenior citizens.\n\nGEORGE\n*Really*.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. God, I can't tell you how I feel!\nI mean, I feel *so*\n\n*good*! I *really* feel good. The strange thing is, I mean, I\n\nhaven't even met the woman yet.\n\nGEORGE\nVolunteer work, huh?\n\nJERRY\nWhat're you gonna do down there?\n\nELAINE\nWell, they say all it is is that you\ngo over to their apartment and,\n\nI dunno, you take them for a walk and you get a cup of coffee\nand\n\nit's supposed to make them feel good.\n\nJERRY\nThat's what I do with him (points at\nGeorge)\n\nGEORGE\nWhen did you get this idea?\n\nELAINE\nLast time I had lunch with you here.\nYou were going *on* and *on*\n\nand *on* about how you wanted to meet somebody who didn't speak\n\nEnglish.\n\nJERRY\nWhat, do you break it in with her, then\nyou try it out on me?\n\nGEORGE\nAnd... and anybody can do this?\n\nELAINE\nYup.\n\nGEORGE\nHelping people... Of course. Of course!\nIt makes perfect sense!\n\nHow could I *not* be doing this!? I am gonna help somebody, Dammit!\n\nELAINE\n(To Jerry) What about you?\n\nJERRY\nNah, it's not for me.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, if anybody should be doing this,\nit's you.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat *kind* of a person are you?\n\nJERRY\nI think I'm pretty much like you-- only\nsuccessful.\n\nAGENCY REP\nThis is a wonderful thing you're doing.\nThey're so grateful\n\njust to have someone to talk to. And I can tell you that\n\neveryone who participates finds the experience extremely\n\nrewarding.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I feel better already. I'm feelin'\nlike a good person.\n\nAGENCY REP\nGood luck.\n\nJERRY\nThank you.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, what's your guy's name again?\n\nJERRY\nFields. Sidney Fields. *87* years old.\n*87*. How about your\n\nguy?\n\nGEORGE\nBen Cantwell. 85. Huh... You think we'll\nmake it to that age?\n\nJERRY\n*We*? No.\n\nKRAMER\nSo what's up, Diggity Dog?\n\nJERRY\nGeorge and I just signed up with the\nSenior Citizen's Volunteer\n\nAgency. Same thing Elaine's doing.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, that's too bad. Now don't say I\ndidn't try to warn you.\n\nJERRY\nWhat're you talkin' about?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, Jerry, I'm *surprised* at you!\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's a *con*. These agencies are usually\na front for some money\n\nlaundering scheme. Or they're bunko artists; bilkin' people out\nof\n\ntheir life savings, oh *yeah*.\n\nJERRY\nWhere do you *get* this?\n\nKRAMER\nThe alternative media, Jerry. That's\nwhere you hear the truth.\n\nNEWMAN\nKramer?! Kramer!? Where are you? Kramer!?!\nKramer!!?\n\nKRAMER\nI'm in here. C'mon...\n\nJERRY\nHello, *Newman*...\n\nNEWMAN\nJerry, George. (To Kramer) So, did you\nask him about the records?\n\nKRAMER\nWell--\n\nJERRY\nWhat records?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, Newman and I are going partners\nselling used records.\n\nNEWMAN\nYou know Ron's Records down on Bleeker?\nThey pay big cash for used\n\nrecords!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, so we thought if you had any of\nthose big, y'know, old-\n\nfashioned useless records, y'know, just... lyin' around--\n\nKRAMER\nY'know, we'd take them off your hands,\nfree of charge.\n\nGEORGE\nLet me ask you something. What do you\ndo for a living, Newman?\n\nNEWMAN\nI'm a United States postal worker.\n\nGEORGE\nAren't those the guys that always go\ncrazy and come back with a\n\ngun and shoot everybody?\n\nNEWMAN\nSometimes...\n\nJERRY\nWhy *is* that?\n\nNEWMAN\nBecause the mail never stops. It just\nkeeps coming and coming and\n\ncoming, there's never a let-up. It's relentless. Every day it\n\npiles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out but\nthe\n\nmore you get it out the more it keeps coming in. And then the\nbar\n\ncode reader breaks and it's *Publisher's Clearing House* day!!!\n\nRON\nI'll give you five bucks.\n\nKRAMER\nFive bucks???\n\nNEWMAN\nWell, you know how much those records\nare worth!?\n\nRON\nYeah, I do... Fi' dollars.\n\nNEWMAN\nThose records are worth more than five\ndollars!\n\nKRAMER\n(In Newman's ear) He's gyppin' us...\n\nNEWMAN\nYou're gyppin' us!\n\nRON\nWell, whattya got here, y'know, you\ngot \"Don Ho: Live At Honolulu\",\n\nyou got \"Jerry Vale Sings Italian Love Songs\" you got Sergio\nMendes,\n\nnow come on...\n\nKRAMER\nWait, wait, wait... Sergio Mendes has\na cult following.\n\nNEWMAN\nThey follow him like a cult.\n\nKRAMER\nHe can't even walk down the street in\nSouth America...\n\nRON\nLook, that's his problem, alright? Now\nyou don't like it, too bad.\n\nKRAMER\n(In Newman's ear) I don't like it...\n\nNEWMAN\nI don't like it.\n\nRON\nWell, then get the Hell out of my store,\nalright? You bring me\n\nsomething decent, I'll give you some money.\n\nKRAMER\n(In Newman's ear) Alright, well be back,\njack.\n\nNEWMAN\nAlright, well be back... *jack*!\n\nJERRY\nHi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent\nme.\n\nHOUSEKEEPER\nAgency?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, is this Sid Field's residence?\n\nHOUSEKEEPER\nSid Fields.\n\nSID\nWhat the *Hell* is it?\n\nJERRY\nMr. Fields?\n\nSID\nWhat!?!\n\nJERRY\nHi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent\nme.\n\nSID\nAgency? What agency? The *CIA*?\n\nJERRY\nNo, no, the--\n\nSID\nWho let you in here?\n\nJERRY\nThe woman, she--\n\nSID\nOh *her*. She *steals* from me. Steals\nmy money. She says she\n\ndoesn't speak English. My *ass* she doesn't speak English. Plays\n\nthat freakin' \"voo-doo\" music, tries to hypnotize me. She thinks\n\nshe's gonna turn me into a zombie and then rob me blind. Well,\n\nI wasn't born yesterday. I may drop dead today, but I sure as\nHell\n\nwasn't born yesterday. Now get the Hell out of my house...\n\nJERRY\nMr. Fields, I'm here to spend some time\nwith you.\n\nSID\nOh, really. Are you the boyfriend? I\nknow she's got a boyfriend.\n\nAre you going to *kill* me? I'm an old man for crying out loud,\n\nyou gonna kill an old man, you coward?!? (Jerry gets out card)\n\nJERRY\nNo, Mr. Field, look, really I'm--\n\nSID\nI can't read that you fool...\n\nJERRY\nWhat's all this stuff?\n\nSID\nTrash. Garbage.\n\nJERRY\nYou're throwin' this out??\n\nSID\nI believe that's what you do with garbage,\nyou idiot.\n\nJERRY\nYou don't want any of this?\n\nSID\nWell if I wanted it I wouldn't be throwing\nit away, *Ein-stein*.\n\nJERRY\nYou know I have some friends who would\nreally like to have these.\n\nSID\nWell, take it. I'm sure as Hell not\ngoing to give it to my family.\n\nJERRY\nWell, do you want to go out for a walk,\nget a cup of coffee...\n\nSID\nWith you? I'd rather be dead.\n\nJERRY\nWell, maybe I'll get goin' then. I just\nremembered I got an\n\nappointment to get my, um, tonsils out.\n\nSID\nGood. Thank God. Good riddance. (pause)\n\nOh listen, before you go, would you mind changing my diaper?\nHAA!!\n\nBEN\nNo, I feel great for 85.\n\nGEORGE\nY'know the average life span for an\nAmerican male is like, 72.\n\nYou're really... kinda pushin' the envelope there.\n\nBEN\nI'm not afraid of dyin'. I never think\nabout it.\n\nGEORGE\nYou don't? Boy, I think about it a lot.\nI think about it at my\n\nage. Imagine how much I'll be thinkin' about it at your age.\nAll\n\nI'll do is keep thinkin' about it until it drives me insane...\n\nBEN\nI'm grateful for every moment I have.\n\nGEORGE\nGrateful? How can you be grateful when\nyou're *so* close to the\n\nend? When you know that any second-- Poof! Bamm-O! It can all\nbe\n\nover. I mean you're not stupid, you can read the handwriting\non the\n\nwall. It's a matter of simple arithmetic, for Gods sake...\n\nBEN\nI guess I just don't care.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you talking about? How can\nyou sit there and look me in\n\nthe eye and tell that me you're not worried?! Don't you have\nany\n\n*sense*?!! Don't you have a brain!? Are you so completely senile\n\nthat you don't know what you're talkin about Anymore!!?!\n\nGEORGE\nWait a second, where are you going?\n\nBEN\nLife's too short to waste on you.\n\nGEORGE\nWait a minute, please--\n\nBEN\nGet out of my way...\n\nGEORGE\nBut Mr. Cantwell, you... you owe me\nfor the soup...\n\nELAINE\nMrs. Oliver?\n\nMRS. O\nYes my dear.\n\nELAINE\nOoh!\n\nMRS. O\nWhat's the trouble? Are you alright?\n\nELAINE\nYeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.\n\nMRS. O\nIt's my goiter, isn't it?\n\nELAINE\nDid you say goiter? What goiter?\n\nMRS. O\nThis football-shaped lump jutting out\nthe side of my neck.\n\nELAINE\nOh, *that* goiter. Hey... Heh heh heh...\nWhaddya know...\n\nMRS. O\nDoes it bother you?\n\nELAINE\nBother me? Oh, phhbt... Why would a\nlittle goiter like that\n\nbother me? No, not a bit. It's nothing. It's nothin', it's um,\n\nin fact, it's um, it's very distinctive, y'know? Um, I mean you\n\nwant to know something? I, I wish I had one. (pause) Really.\n\n(END Act I)\n\nJERRY\nC'mon Elaine, it's just a goiter...\n\nELAINE\nI don't know what I'm going to do. I\ncan't look the woman in the\n\nface. I mean I keep thinkin' that that goiter's gonna start\n\ntalkin' to me... You'd think they'd mention that before they\nsend\n\nYOU OVER THERE\n\"Oh, by the way, this woman *almost*\nhas a second\n\nhead\". But no, no, I didn't get any goiter information.\n\nJERRY\nThey really should mention that in the\nbreakdown: height, weight,\n\ngoiter.\n\nELAINE\nY'know you try to do some good. You\nwant to be a good person but\n\nthis is too much to ask.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, well, I'll tell ya, I'd rather\ntalk to a goiter with a nice\n\ndisposition than the nut they sent me to.\n\nELAINE\nHey Georgie, what happened with your\nguy?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't think it's gonna work out...\n\nJERRY\nWhattya mean?\n\nGEORGE\nHe fired me.\n\nJERRY\nHe fired you?!?\n\nELAINE\n*How* do you get fired from a volunteer\njob?\n\nGEORGE\nI dunno. I was just talking to the man\nand he walked out on me!\n\nJERRY\nWell, I dunno about you two, but I'm\nquitting. I hate my guy.\n\nHe's a mean, mean guy.\n\nELAINE\nI wish I could quit...\n\nJERRY\nSo quit!\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one\nof the few things I do well.\n\nI come form a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter,\nmy\n\ngrandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, here's your *albums* (Journey\n\"Escape\" is on top, BTW...)\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened?\n\nNEWMAN\nFive dollars. He offered us *five* dollars.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, what kind of stuff are you listening\nto? You *embarrassed* me\n\nat that store.\n\nNEWMAN\nThat guy thought we were a couple of\ntotal squares.\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah, you and your *Sergio Mendes*...\n\nKRAMER\nHey, hey, hey, hey, that guy can't even\ngo to the bathroom in\n\nSouth America!\n\nJERRY\nWell you shoulda seen the pile of albums\nthis old guy I was\n\nJolson, Benny Goodman...\n\nKRAMER\nWait, wait, wait, now... He's throwin\nthem out??\n\nJERRY\nYeah, and then I asked him if my friend\ncould have them and he\n\nsaid yeah.\n\nKramer Okay...\n\nNEWMAN\n(In Kramer's ear) The old coot's sittin'\non a mountain of gold!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah...\n\nJERRY\nBut you're going to have to go get em.\nI'm not carryin' them\n\nall.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, but you've gotta come with us.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I'm goin' there today. In fact\nyou should see this house\n\nkeeper he's got. She's from Senegal (and, ala Carson) Wild, Wild,\n\nStuff...\n\nGEORGE\nSenegal?\n\nGEORGE\nSo you don't speak *any* English at\nall?\n\nHOUSEKEEPER\nEnglish? No.\n\nSID\nHey, what are those bums doin' back\nthere?\n\nJERRY\nWell you said they could come and take\nthe records.\n\nSID\nIt's like watchin' a couple of hyenas\ngoin' through the garbage.\n\nGEORGE\nYou don't speak *any* English?\n\nHOUSEKEEPER\nNo English.\n\nGEORGE\nI would like to dip my bald head in\noil and rub it all over\n\nyour body.\n\n(No reaction) You don't understand! It's a miracle! You\n\ndon't understand because you don't speak English!\n\nJERRY\nSo Mr. Fields I just don't know if this\narrangement is--\n\nSID\nHey, I don't like what's goin' on around\nhere. I want all you bums\n\noutta here.\n\nKRAMER\nNow calm down, Mr. Fields...\n\nSID\nNow don't tell me to calm down... Get\nyour hands off of me! Why you\n\nlittle...\n\nKRAMER\nOooow! He's biting me!\n\nSID\nMy teeth! My teeth!\n\nJERRY\nWhere's his teeth! Where's his teeth!\n\nGEORGE\nI thought I saw something fly over here...\n\nJERRY\nWell turn the light on...\n\nJERRY\nThat's the garbage disposal!\n\nSID\nMy teeth! You idiots!!!\n\nMRS. O\nAnd we would take long automobile trips--\n\nELAINE\nOh, well, that sounds like a lot of\nfun...\n\nMRS. O\nStaring out the window--\n\nELAINE\nUh huh...\n\nMRS. O\nYou'd see a long view of rolling pastures\nand--\n\nELAINE\nWell, that'll get you goin' right there...\n\nMRS. O\nBig, roaming cows--\n\nELAINE\nCows, well that's fascinating...\n\nMRS. O\nThat's when I began my affair with Mohandas.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nMRS. O\nMohandas.\n\nELAINE\nGhandhi?\n\nMRS. O\nOh, the *passion*. The *forbidden pleasure*--\n\nELAINE\nYou had an affair with Ghandhi?\n\nMRS. O\nHe used to dip his bald head in oil\nand rub it all over my body.\n\nHere, look... (shows Elaine a picture of the two together)\n\nELAINE\nOh, my God... The Mohatma?\n\nRON\nTwenty bucks.\n\nNEWMAN\nTwenty bucks?!? Are you out of your\nmind?\n\nRON\nWell, take it or leave it.\n\nNEWMAN\nTake it or leave it!? We got *Al Jolson*\nhere, *Al Jolson*!!\n\nRON\nNow what the Hell do I care about Al\nJolson. I'd just assume her\n\nyou sing \"Mammy\". Heh heh heh...\n\nKRAMER\n(In Newman's ear) This guy's nothin'\nbut a piece of crap...\n\nNEWMAN\nYou are nothing but a piece of crap.\n\nRON\nPardon me?\n\nKRAMER\n(In Newman's ear) A piece of crap...\n\nNEWMAN\nA piece of crap.\n\nKRAMER\n(In Newman's ear) I find you extremely\nugly...\n\nNEWMAN\nI find you extremely ugly.\n\nRON\n*Do* you?\n\nKRAMER\n(In Newman's ear) You emit a foul and\nunpleasant odour...\n\nNEWMAN\nYou emit a foul and unpleasant odour.\n\nRON\nOh, is that right?\n\nKRAMER\n(In Newman's ear) I *loathe* you...\n\nNEWMAN\nI *loathe* you.\n\nRON\nThat's it. Get out of my store!\n\nKRAMER\n(In Newman's ear) Make us.\n\nNEWMAN\nMake us!\n\nRON\nOh, I'll make you!\n\nAGENCY REP\nDo you realize how irresponsible this\nis? Our agency's sole\n\npurpose is to care for senior citizens. And in one fell swoop\n\nyou've single- handedly destroyed our reputation.\n\nJERRY\nYes, but--\n\nJERRY\n(Into intercom) Yes?\n\nTIM\nIt's Tim Fields, Mr. Fields' son.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, c'mon up.\n\nJERRY\n(To Rep) I dunno what happened, we were\njust trying to take\n\nhim to the dentist.\n\nAGENCY REP\nWhy were you taking him to the dentist?\n\nJERRY\nUm, well, his false teeth got mangled\nup in the garbage\n\ndisposal--\n\nAGENCY REP\nWhat were his false teeth doing in the\ngarbage disposal?\n\nJERRY\nWell, after he bit my friend--\n\nAGENCY REP\nBit your friend?!\n\nTIM\nWhat the *Hell* is going on here? How\ndo you *lose* a human\n\nbeing?!\n\nJERRY\nI, I'm sorry.\n\nTIM\nAnd who were these other people. What\nwere they doing in the\n\napartment!?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I brought them up there to take\nhis records--\n\nTIM\nTake his *records*? Do you realize how\nvaluable that record\n\ncollection is?\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nThere you are. Did you find him?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, y'know we took the old man's records\nover to Ron's and he\n\ntried to *screw* us so we got in a fight.\n\nNEWMAN\nIt was a real melee.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, a real brouhaha...\n\nScene of George on couch with the maid rubbing oil on his head.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Implant.html",
    "text": "THE IMPLANT\n\nWritten by\n\nPeter Mehlman\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nThe cosmetic surgery procedures that are available to people\ntoday - liposuction, are you familiar with this? This is a fat-sucking\nmachine. Now you know, somewhere, somebody is working on a way\nthat this thing could go into a restaurant. And you could just\norder it off the menu. 'I tell you what, give me the cheesecake,\ncrank me up to nine, and put a scoop of ice cream on the side.'\n\nOpening scene - Sidra on a Stairmaster at the New York Health\nClub. Jerry enters after his workout w/gymbag in hand.\n\nSIDRA\nOh, hi Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHi, Sidra. I usually last about ten\nminutes on a Stairmaster. Unless of\ncourse there's someone stretching in\nfront of me in a leotard, then I can\ngo an hour.\n\nSIDRA\nReally.\n\nJERRY\nOh, yeah. That's why they call it a\nStairmaster. You get up there and you\nstare.\n\nSIDRA\nWell, I'm done. I think I'm gonna go\ntake a sauna.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, I'll see you Thursday night,\nright?\n\nSIDRA\nThursday night.\n\nJERRY\nAlright.\n\nElaine walks over to Jerry.\n\nELAINE\nGood workout?\n\nJERRY\nTremendous workout.\n\nELAINE\nThat's a pretty girl.\n\nJERRY\nTremendous girl.\n\nELAINE\nShe's the one you went out with last\nnight?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. I really like her.\n\nELAINE\nYou know, uh...they're fake.\n\nJERRY\nWhat? Don't say that!\n\nELAINE\nNah! They're fake!\n\nJERRY\nHow do you know?\n\nELAINE\nI can tell. You know how you're always\nbragging how you can spot a lesbian?\n\nJERRY\nI'm not bragging, I happen to have a\nvery keen lesbian eye. (A woman walks\nby Jerry and Elaine.) Hi, how ya doin.'\n(Jerry jerks a thumb at the woman to\nconfirm his talent. Elaine is skeptical.)\n\nELAINE\nOh, right. C'mon, don't you think they\nseem a bit too perfect?\n\nJERRY\nYes, they do!\n\nELAINE\nI never knew you were so into breasts.\nI thought you were a leg man.\n\nJERRY\nA leg man? Why would I be a leg man?\nI don't need legs. I have legs. Have\nyou ever seen her naked in the locker\nroom?\n\nELAINE\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nOh, well, then I can't accept your testimony.\nMaybe if you had seen her naked.\n\nELAINE\nI don't want to see her naked.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I do.\n\nELAINE\nWell, that's your problem.\n\nJERRY\nLook, you made the allegation. The least\nyou could do is follow up.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, what am I gonna do? I'm gonna\ngo in there and spy on her in the sauna?\n\nJERRY\nYes! Go in there! Do a little investigative\njournalism. I need to know!\n\nELAINE\nBut a few more dates and you can find\nout for yourself!\n\nJERRY\nDon't be so sure. Look at George - he's\non his ninth date with Betsy, he still\nhasn't gotten anywhere with her.\n\nELAINE\nWhat's his problem?\n\nJERRY\nWell, every time he tries to make a\nmove, something screws up. Like on their\nlast date, they were on the couch, but\nshe was sitting on his wrong side.\n\nELAINE\nWrong side?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, she was on his right side. He\ncan't make a move with his left hand.\nCan't go left.\n\nELAINE\nHe can't go left.\n\nJERRY\nNo! I'm lefty, can't go right. What\nabout women? Do they go left or right?\n\nELAINE\nNah, we just play defense.\n\nNew scene - George and Betsy at Betsy's apartment. George tries\nto make it to the right-hand side of the couch, but Betsy beats\nhim to it.\n\nGEORGE\nCan I ask you a question? Would you\nmind switching seats?\n\nBETSY\nOh, actually, I really prefer to sit\nhere. I don't hear very well out of\nthis ear (points to her right ear) so,\nI always try to sit to the right of\npeople.\n\nGEORGE\nI'll shout.\n\nBETSY\nWell, I really think I feel more comfortable\nhere.\n\nGEORGE\nC'mon, c'mon...(stands up and physically\nrolls Betsy to the left side of the\ncouch.) See, now, is that so bad?\n\nBETSY\nWhat? (The phone rings.)\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no, the machine'll get it...\n\nBETSY\nNo, no, it's not on...\n\nGEORGE\nThey'll call back.\n\nBETSY\nBut George, what if it's an emergency?\n\nGEORGE\nIn the whole world right now, there's\nmaybe three emergencies. Why would you\nthink, on this entire planet, that you're\none of those three?\n\nBETSY\nGeorge, please. (Gets up and answers\nthe phone.) Hello? What? (shocked) Oh\nmy god!\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, maybe four.\n\nNew scene - Elaine at the health club, in the sauna with Sidra\nand some other women. We hear her thoughts.\n\nELAINE'S BRAIN\nBoy, I'm really sweatin.' Good sweat,\nbeads of sweat...sweatin' bullets. (Notices\nSidra.) Look at her. I don't need to\nsee her naked to know those aren't real.\nWhy does she need to tie the towel around\nher? She's got a rack on her chest.\n(Sidra takes her towel off and lies\ndown.) Oh god! Sidra's takin' the towel\noff! (Looks at Sidra's chest.) Whoa,\ndoctor! That's it, I knew it! I knew\nit, they're definitely fake.\n\nCut back to George and Betsy at her apartment. Betsy's still\non the phone.\n\nBETSY\nSo, when's the funeral? Well, Aunt Clarice\nwas so ill, I guess it was really a\nblessing. (George, on the couch behind\nBetsy, is impatiently waiting for her\nto get off the phone so he can continue\nputting the moves on her. He shrugs,\nand crosses himself.) Yeah, I'll fly\nhome as soon as I can. (George waves\ngoodbye, and mimics a plane flying through\nthe air with his hand.) O.k. You, too.\nGet some sleep. (Betsy looks at George,\nand he manufactures a completely phony\nlook of sorrow.)\n\nNew scene - Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nYou're sure?\n\nELAINE\nPositive! This chick's playin' with\nconfederate money.\n\nJERRY\nWell then, that's it. That's the end\nof that.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? Just 'cause of that?\n\nJERRY\nJust 'cause of that? It's like finding\nout Mickey Mantle corked his bat!\n\nELAINE\nOh, come on! You've dated women with\nnosejobs, what's the difference?\n\nJERRY\nYou don't touch the nose! You don't\naspire to reach the nose. You don't\nunhook anything to get to a nose, and\nno man has ever tried to look up a woman's\nnostril.\n\nELAINE\nYou've put a lot of thought into this,\nhaven't you?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I take it very seriously.\n\nELAINE\nYou know, sometimes when I think you're\nthe shallowest man I've ever met, you\nsomehow manage to drain a little more\nout of the pool.\n\n(Kramer enters.)\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey. You know, I do kinda wonder what\nfake breast feel like.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I know what they feel like.\n\nJERRY\nYou? How do you know?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I lived in Los Angeles for three\nmonths.\n\nELAINE\nI thought you hated Los Angeles.\n\nKRAMER\nI do! I just miss the warm weather,\ny'know? Jeez. Oh man, I wish I could\nget away.\n\nJERRY\nReal busy now down at the office?\n\nKRAMER\nNo. Huh? You know who I saw at the health\nclub? Salman Rushdie.\n\nELAINE\nYeah right, Salman Rushdie. Yeah well,\nI can see that - you got five millions\nMoslems after you, you wanna stay in\npretty good shape.\n\nNew scene - Jerry, George and Kramer in the sauna at the health\nclub.\n\nGEORGE\nI know what the problem is - I like\nher too much. That's why I can't make\na move.\n\nJERRY\nYou put her on a pedestal.\n\nKRAMER\nI put them on a dental chair.\n\nJERRY\nHe puts 'em on a dental chair.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm not her boyfriend. I want to be\nher boyfriend.\n\nKRAMER\nWhoo. It's like a sauna in here.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's funny. You're a funny guy.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, funny. Yeah, I never heard that\nbefore. (To George) So, you goin' to\nthe funeral?\n\nGEORGE\nWhy, you think I should?\n\nJERRY\nWhat, are you kidding? It's a golden\nopportunity to advance the relationship.\nShe's crying, you put your arm around\nher and console her...you're the consolation\nguy!\n\nGEORGE\nI'm the consolation guy...?\n\nKRAMER\nConsolation Guy is big.\n\nJERRY\nHer aunt dying is the best thing that\never happened to you.\n\nKRAMER\nIt's like ten dates in one shot.\n\nJERRY\nThis confers upon you instant boyfriend\nstatus. The family's there...you're\ntaking care of things...you're gettin'\nthe sandwiches...you're the rock!\n\nGEORGE\nIt's in Detroit though, it's an expensive\nflight.\n\nKRAMER\nWhy don't you get a \"death in the family\"\nfare?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nReally?\n\nKRAMER\nIn fact, listen...I'll go down there\nwith ya. You know, we'll tell them there's\na death in my family, you buy the ticket,\nI'll split it...then I'll get the bonus\nmiles and you'll get to Detroit for\na quarter of the price!\n\n(George considers.)\n\nNew scene - Elaine in the sauna again. We hear her thoughts.\n\nELAINE'S BRAIN\nBoy, I'm gettin' a good sweat here.\nGreat sweat, good beads. Nice beads.\n\n(Sidra enters the sauna with a friend.)\n\nELAINE'S BRAIN\nAh, look who's here. \"Silicon Valley.\"\n\nSIDRA\nSo anyway, we go out on one date, he\nasks me out for a second, then out of\nnowhere he cancels the date and says\nhe doesn't want to see me again.\n\nELAINE\nUh...sorry, I couldn't help overhearing.\n\nSIDRA\nOh, that's o.k.\n\nELAINE\nDid he give you a reason?\n\nSIDRA\nYeah. He's going back to his old girlfriend.\n\nELAINE\nReally?\n\nSIDRA\nHe said she's mentally ill. He's one\nof those guys who is obsessed with neatness\nand order? Everything has gotta be just\nso. He would have made a great Nazi.\n\nELAINE\nHey, does he ever talk about Superman?\n\nSIDRA\nYes! How did you know?\n\nELAINE\nOh, I know the type.\n\nSIDRA\nSo you can relate?\n\nELAINE\nOh, yeah.\n\nSIDRA\nYou know, I've seen you around the club.\nMy name's Sidra. This is Marcy.\n\nELAINE\nOh, hi. I'm Elaine. (Gets up to shake\nSidra's hand, but stumbles and falls\n\"right into them.\")\n\nCommercial break.\n\nNew scene - Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment.\n\nELAINE\nSo anyway, I stood up to shake her hand,\nthen suddenly I lost my balance and\nI fell right into her.\n\nJERRY\nYou fell on her?\n\nELAINE\nI touched 'em.\n\nJERRY\nYou what?\n\nELAINE\nI...touched...'em.\n\nJERRY\nYou touched 'em?!\n\nELAINE\nI needed them to help me break my fall!\nIf it hadn't been for them, I could\nhave really injured myself!\n\nJERRY\nWow.\n\nELAINE\nAnyway...they're real.\n\nJERRY\nExcuse me?!\n\nELAINE\nI think they might be real.\n\nJERRY\nOh, what do you know, you have no breast\ntouching experience.\n\nELAINE\nI've touched mine!\n\nJERRY\nSo have I.\n\nELAINE\nOh, right...I forgot. (smiles)\n\nJERRY\nAnyway, touching two breasts doesn't\nmake you an expert.\n\nELAINE\nAlright, well anyway, I think they're\nreal. And if they are, I must say they\nare...spectacular.\n\nJERRY\nAw, what are you doin' to me? (puts\nhis head down on the counter.)\n\nNew scene - George and Kramer at the airline ticket counter.\nKramer is pretending to be grief-stricken.\n\nGEORGE\nYou see, my friend here, his aunt passed\naway last night.\n\nCLERK\nOh, I'm very sorry.\n\nKRAMER\nI saw her last week, she looked healthy\nand peaceful, but...she knew...\n\nCLERK\nYou poor thing!\n\nKRAMER\nI...I...\n\nGEORGE\nYou don't think you can buy the ticket\nyourself...? No, there, there...you\nsit, and I'll purchase the ticket for\nyou.\n\nCLERK\nYou're a good friend.\n\nCLERK\nYes, all you have to do is pay the full\nfare now, then return to any one of\nour counters with a copy of the death\ncertificate, and we'll refund half your\nfare.\n\nGEORGE\nThe death certificate?\n\nCLERK\nYes, yes, we do need documentation or\nyou know, people could take advantage.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat kind of a sick person would do\na thing like that?\n\nCLERK\nI know! But it happens.\n\nGEORGE\nYou want my friend to ask his uncle,\na man who just lost his wife of 44 years,\nfor a death certificate so that he can\nsave a few bucks on a flight?\n\nCLERK\nThat would be $387 round-trip.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, so you'll need my frequent\nflyer number, huh?\n\nCLERK\nYes.\n\nCut back to Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, one minute you say they're\nfake, the next minute you think they're\nreal...I don't know what to believe!\n\nELAINE\nHey, of the two of us, I'm the only\none who's touched 'em.\n\nJERRY\nBut you were just grabbing on to them\nto save your life. If you were drowning\nand I threw you a life preserver, you\nthink you could tell me if it was an\ninflatable?\n\nELAINE\nI wouldn't have said anything if I knew\nyou were going to stop seeing her!\n\nJERRY\nWell, I don't mind someone with a phony\npersonality, but I gotta draw the line\nsomewhere.\n\n(Kramer enters.)\n\nKRAMER\nHey!\n\nJERRY\nHey. George off to Detroit?\n\nKRAMER\nYep! And, in two days, I'm off to Puerto\nRico.\n\nELAINE\nHey Kramer, by the way, I saw that guy\nat the health club...that is not Salman\nRushdie.\n\nKRAMER\nPffft - wrong.\n\nNew scene - Kramer and Jerry at the health club. They see \"Salman\nRushdie\" talking to Sidra.\n\nJERRY\nThere's Sidra.\n\nKRAMER\nThere's Salman.\n\nJERRY\nWhere?\n\nKRAMER\nTalkin' to that woman.\n\nJERRY\nTalkin' to Sidra?\n\nKRAMER\nIf that's Sidra, she's talkin' to Salman.\n\nJERRY\nI don't think that's Salman.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I don't think they're real.\n\nJERRY\nIf that's Rushdie, they're real.\n\nKRAMER\nIf they're real, that's Rushdie.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I gotta know - I'm talkin' to\nSidra.\n\nKRAMER\nI gotta know, I'm talkin' to Salman.\n\nNew scene - Kramer and \"Salman\" sitting in the sauna together.\n\nKRAMER\nIt's like a sauna in here, huh? I feel\nlike I'm...back at the desert.\n\n\"SALMAN\"\nYou've lived in the desert?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah. Yeah, I've uh...I've spent\na little time in the Mideast. You ever\nbeen to the Mideast?\n\n\"SALMAN\"\nYes, I've been there.\n\nKRAMER\nMy name's Kramer.\n\n\"SALMAN\"\nSal Bass. Pleased to meet you, Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nSo, uh...what kind of work do you do?\n\n\"SALMAN\"\nI'm a writer.\n\nNew scene - George and Betsy at Aunt Clarice's wake in Detroit.\n\nBETSY\nHave you met my boyfriend George?\n\nAUNT MAY\nNo! (shakes George's hand.)\n\nBETSY\nGeorge, this is Aunt May, and Father\nJessup. Oh, and that's my brother, Timmy.\n(Timmy smiles thinly.) This is my boyfriend,\nGeorge.\n\nAUNT MAY\nOh George, how nice of you to come all\nthis way.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I'm the boyfriend. Otherwise,\nwhat's the point of being the boyfriend?\nThis is where you have to be when you're\nthe boyfriend.\n\nAUNT MAY\nBetsy, dear, have you had anything to\neat?\n\nBETSY\nI'm not very hungry.\n\nAUNT MAY\nThey have some very nice snacks.\n\nFATHER JESSUP\nI'm about to get myself a snack.\n\n(Betsy starts to go for a snack.)\n\nGEORGE\nOh, no, no, no...you sit right here...I\nwill get you a nice snack.\n\n(George goes into the other room and meets Father Jessup.)\n\nFATHER JESSUP\nThis is my third wake this month. It\nnever gets any easier.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, losing a loved is, uh...I mean,\nforget about it. (Starts wolfing down\nthe sandwiches.)\n\nFATHER JESSUP\nYou seem to be of great comfort to Betsy,\nwe're very appreciative.\n\nGEORGE\nOh - comfort, schmomfort. Listen, Father,\ncan I ask you a question? In a terrible\ntime like this...who would I get the\ndeath certificate from?\n\nNew scene - Jerry and Kramer entering Jerry's apartment after\nreturning from the health club.\n\nKRAMER\nC'mon Jerry!\n\nJERRY\nOh, how can you be so sure?\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, are you blind? He's a writer.\nHe said his name was Sal Bass. Bass,\nJerry! Instead of salmon, he went with\nbass! He just substituted one fish for\nanother!\n\nJERRY\nLook, you idiot, first of all, it's\nSalman, not salmon!\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, Jerry, you're missing the big\npicture!\n\nJERRY\nAlright, maybe it is, but listen, I\ngotta get ready - Sidra's coming over\nin a few minutes, so if you don't mind...\n\nKRAMER\nWhat, did you ask her?\n\nJERRY\nI'm gonna find out tonight.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yes indeed...\n\nCut back to George at the wake in Detroit.\n\nDR. ALLENWOOD\nWhy do you need a death certificate?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, Dr, Allenwood, uh...I was hoping\nto compile an - admittedly, rudimentary\n- scrapbook of her life. Something that\nBetsy could have, and hold onto.\n\nDR. ALLENWOOD\nWell, I suppose I could make a copy\nof it.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, that would be wonderful.\n\nDR. ALLENWOOD\nIt was very nice meeting you, George.\n\nGEORGE\nLikewise.\n\n(George walks over to the snack table as Timmy watches him from\nacross the room. He takes a chip from the bowl, dips it, takes\na bite, and then dips again. Timmy hurriedly comes over.)\n\nTIMMY\nWhat are you doing?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nTIMMY\nDid...did you just double-dip that chip?\n\nGEORGE\nExcuse me?\n\nTIMMY\nYou double-dipped the chip!\n\nGEORGE\n\"Double-dipped\"? What are you talking\nabout?\n\nTIMMY\nYou dipped the chip. You took a bite.\n(points at the dip) And you dipped again.\n\nGEORGE\nSo...?\n\nTIMMY\nThat's like putting your whole mouth\nright in the dip! From now on, when\nyou take a chip - just take one dip\nand end it!\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I'm sorry, Timmy...but I don't\ndip that way. (takes a chip.)\n\nTIMMY\nOh, you don't, huh?\n\nGEORGE\nNo. (dips the chip) You dip the way\nyou want to dip...(bites the chip) I'll\ndip the way I want to dip. (dips the\nchip again.)\n\nTIMMY\nGimme the chip! (Grabs George and the\nchip goes flying.) Gimme the chip! (They\nstruggle in front of the snack table.)\n\nNew scene - Night-time; Jerry and Sidra in Jerry's apartment.\n\nSIDRA\nI don't know what I'm doing here, I\nmust be crazy. (Moves to the couch and\nsits on the left side. Jerry tries to\nrun over and beat her to it, but doesn't\nmake it. He sits down on the right side.)\n\nJERRY\nHey, would you mind switching seats?\n\nSIDRA\nWhy?\n\nJERRY\nOh, I don't know...I just like sitting\nto the left of people, makes me feel\nlike I'm driving.\n\nSIDRA\nO.K....(they switch places.)\n\nJERRY\nHow ya doin'?\n\nSIDRA\nGood. How you doin'?\n\nJERRY\nGood, feel good...you know that Jayne\nMansfield had some big breasts. Really\nbig, huge...just coming out the top\nof her dress, they were like, chokin'\nher.\n\nSIDRA\nI hear that's how she died.\n\nJERRY\nHave you noticed that women today are,\nyou know, they seem...bigger.\n\nSIDRA\nWell, a lot of women are having them\ndone.\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\nSIDRA\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nHow do you like that.\n\nSIDRA\nA lot of people ask me if I've had mine\ndone.\n\nJERRY\nAw, you know people.\n\nSIDRA\nIt gets a little tiring, it's really\nnone of their business.\n\nJERRY\nOh, the nerve. You know, some people\nhave asked me if you've uh, done that.\n\nSIDRA\nWhat do you tell them?\n\nJERRY\nWhatever you want me to tell them.\n\nSIDRA\nWell, I think you'll find out soon enough.\n(They prepare to kiss. There's a loud\nbang on the door.) Aren't you going\nto get that?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nSIDRA\nWhat if it's an emergency?\n\nJERRY\nOh, there's no emergency...\n\nKRAMER\nJerry! C'mon, it's an emergency!\n\nJERRY\nExcuse me. (Gets up and answers the\ndoor.) Alright, what is it? You're interrupting!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you know, I'm packing for Puerto\nRico, I need to borrow your bathing\nsuit.\n\nJERRY\nThis is an emergency? You need a bathing\nsuit?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I like yours.\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, my bathing suit? That's\na little familiar, I don't want your...your\nboys down there.\n\nKRAMER\nC'mon, what's wrong with my boys?\n\nJERRY\nYour boys should stay in their neighborhood.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, c'mon!\n\nJERRY\nAlright. It's in the top drawer. Hurry\nup. (Kramer goes to get the suit. Elaine\nenters.)\n\nELAINE\nHi, Jer.\n\nJERRY\nOh, hi, Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nOh...hi, Sidra -\n\nSIDRA\nHi...Elaine? (Kramer comes back into\nthe living room.)\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you doing here?\n\nELAINE\nI'm looking for Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, she was just showing me pictures\nof places I can visit when I go to Puerto\nRico...you know, when you two went down\nthere?\n\nJERRY\nOh. yeah. Alright. (pushes Kramer and\nElaine out the door, then sits next\nto Sidra on the couch.) So, where were\nwe?\n\nSIDRA\nI was just leaving.\n\nJERRY\nRight, you were leaving.\n\nSIDRA\nI can't believe you sent a woman into\nthe sauna to do that.\n\nJERRY\nThat was an accident!\n\nSIDRA\nI think you're both mentally ill. (leaves,\nthen opens the door again.) And by the\nway...they're real, and they're spectacular.\n(Sidra leaves.)\n\nCut back to an exterior shot of the funeral home in Detroit.\nWe hear the commotion of George and Timmy fighting.\n\nBETSY\nStop it, George! Get out! Get out! I\nnever want to see you again!\n\nDR. ALLENWOOD\nGo back to New York! Get out!\n\nNew scene of a disheveled George at the airport in Detroit, talking\nto Clerk no. 2.\n\nCLERK 2\nAlright sir, now all I need is a death\ncertificate and you'll be on your way.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, you see, what happened was...the\ndoctor - the very same doctor that was\nattending to my late aunt - suffered\nan untimely stroke, and lost the use\nof his right hand, so...obviously I\nwas unable to get the death certificate.\nHowever, I do have this. (Reaches inside\nhis coat and takes out a Polaroid photo.)\n\nCLERK 2\nWhat's this?\n\nGEORGE\nThat's a picture of me next to the coffin.\n\n(We see a photo of George standing next to a coffin.)\n\nCLERK 2\nNice try.\n\nGEORGE\nNot even close, huh?\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Junior-Mint.html",
    "text": "THE JUNIOR MINT\n\nWritten by\n\nAndy Robin\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nYou can't just *have* an adultery--\nyou *commit* adultery. And you\n\ncan't even *commit* adultery unless you already *have* a commitment.\n\nSo you have to make the commitment before you can even think\nabout\n\ncommitting it. There's no commit without the commit. Then, once\n\nyou commit, then you can commit the adultery and then you get\ncaught,\n\nget divorced, lose your mind and they have you committed. But\ny'know\n\nsome people actually *cheat* on the people that they're cheating\n\nwith. Which is like, y'know, being in a hold up and then turning\n\nto the robber next to you and goin' \"Alright, gimme everything\nyou\n\nhave, too\".\n\nGEORGE\nYou met her at the supermarket? How\ndid you do that?\n\nJERRY\nProduce section. *Very* provocative\narea. A lot of melons and\n\nshapes. Everyone's squeezing and smelling... It just happened.\n\nGEORGE\nSo when're you gonna see her?\n\nJERRY\nTonight.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's her name?\n\nJERRY\nI... don't... know...\n\nGEORGE\nHow could you not know her name?\n\nJERRY\nI was a little nervous, I got distracted.\nIt has something to do\n\nwith a car, or a fish...\n\nJERRY\nLook at that. Why do I get bananas?\nThey're good for *one* day...\n\nGEORGE\nOh my God, I forgot to tell you. I got\na letter today from the\n\nState Controller's Office. Y'know when I was going to public\nschool\n\nback in Brooklyn, every week I used to put fifty cents in the\n\nLincoln Savings Bank.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I did that too.\n\nGEORGE\nYou remember the, the little bank book,\nthere?\n\nJERRY\nSure.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, so I haven't put anything in\nit since sixth grade, I\n\ncompletely forgot about it. The State Controller's Office tracks\n\nme down. The interest has accumulated to 1 900 dollars. 1 900\n\ndollars! They're sending me a cheque!\n\nJERRY\nWow!\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, interest. It's an amazing thing.\nYou make money without\n\ndoing anything...\n\nJERRY\nY'know I have friends who try to base\ntheir whole life on that\n\nprinciple.\n\nGEORGE\nReally? Who?\n\nJERRY\nNobody you know...\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe I'll go down to the track. Put\nit all on a horse...\n\nJERRY\nWhy don't you put it in the *bank*?\n\nGEORGE\nThe *bank*? This is *found* money. I\nwant to *parlay* it. I wanna\n\nmake a big score!\n\nJERRY\n*Oh*, you mean you wanna *lose* it...\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's with the gloves?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I'm staining my floors and, y'know,\nI don't want to get my\n\nhands dirty...\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, the whole apartment?\n\nKRAMER\nThe whole apartment. And I'm buying\nthat fake wood wallpaper. I'm\n\ngonna surround myself in wood. It's gonna be like a log cabin.\n\n'Cuz I *need* wood around me. Wood, Jerry (Snaps fingers)...\nWood.\n\nJERRY\nWhat, you rented \"Home Alone\"?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nI thought you saw that already...\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I saw \"Home Alone II\".\n\nJERRY\nOh, right... But you *hated* it!\n\nGEORGE\nWell I was lost, I never saw the first\none. By the way, do you\n\nmind if I watch it here?\n\nJERRY\nWhat for?\n\nJERRY\nBecause if I watch it at my apartment\nI feel like I'm not doing\n\nanything. If I watch it here, I'm out of the house; I'm doing\n\nsomething.\n\nKRAMER\nI can't work with these!\n\nJERRY\nWhat's wrong?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you bought me dishwashing gloves.\nThere's no *fine touch*...\n\nJERRY\nYou said \"gloves\"...\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, these are too thick.\n\nKRAMER\nOooh, is that \"Home Alone\"?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. The *original*.\n\nELAINE\nHey Boys-O!\n\nELAINE\nRemember Roy, the artist?\n\nJERRY\nRight, the \"triangle\" guy.\n\nELAINE\nExactly, the \"triangle\" guy.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, you liked him. What happened with\nhim?\n\nELAINE\nYeah I did. He was very talented. He\nwas just a little too...\n\nJERRY\nArtsy?\n\nELAINE\nFat.\n\nJERRY\nOh.\n\nELAINE\nHe was a fat, starving artist, y'know.\nThat's very rare. Anyway,\n\nhe's in the hospital, he's having surgery and I feel like should\ngo\n\nvisit him.\n\nELAINE\nListen, Jerry can you do me a favour?\nCould you go into the room\n\nwith me to visit him because I don't want him to think that I'm,\n\ny'know... interested.\n\nJERRY\nOh, you want me to pretend to be your\nboyfriend.\n\nELAINE\nWell...\n\nJERRY\nWell I think I can do that. I believe\nI've played that role before\n\nto some critical acclaim.\n\nELAINE\nWhat's with him?\n\nJERRY\nY'know a lot of people have asked that...\n\nELAINE\nRoy!\n\nROY\n*Elaine*! What a *surprise*.\n\nELAINE\nOh, my *God*! I hardly recognise you!\nYou look so...\n\nROY\nI've lost some weight...\n\nELAINE\nA *lot* of weight.\n\nROY\nI know.\n\nELAINE\nYou look ter*rific*.\n\nROY\nThank you. So do you.\n\nELAINE\nThis is... uh... you *really* lost weight.\n\nROY\nThank you.\n\nJERRY\nJerry, uh, I'm the boyfriend.\n\nWOMAN\nWaaaaaaaaa!\n\nKRAMER\nAh, the mother lode!\n\nELAINE\nI can't believe it! You were *huge*!\nLike blubber! I couldn't\n\neven get my arms around you...\n\nROY\nYes, I remember.\n\nELAINE\nWell that's the positive thing about\ngetting sick, you get to lose\n\nweight.\n\nROY\nElaine, it wasn't the illness. It was\nyou.\n\nROY\nAfter you stopped seeing me, I was devastated.\nI couldn't eat for\n\nweeks.\n\nELAINE\n*Get* *out*!\n\nROY\nReally, it's the truth.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, did you hear that? He couldn't\neat for weeks...\n\nJERRY\nThat's terrible...\n\nELAINE\nI had no idea I had that kind of effect\non you.\n\nROY\nYou did.\n\nJERRY\nYou know I can't get this damn thing\nto sleep...\n\nELAINE\nNow listen, tell me something. When\nare you gettin out of here?\n\nROY\nNext Thursday.\n\nELAINE\nOkay, I'll tell you what. How about\non Friday I take you out for\n\na *big* meal because *you* are getting *too* thin...\n\nJERRY\nHoney... Aren't we going to the Poconos\nnext Friday?\n\nELAINE\nNo that's the week after.\n\nJERRY\nNo, I believe it's next week.\n\nELAINE\nYou're wrong.\n\nJERRY\nNo I'm not...\n\nELAINE\nShut up...\n\nKRAMER\nPay dirt!\n\nELAINE\nUh Roy, this is Kramer-- he's one of\nour friends.\n\nROY\nHow do you do?\n\nKRAMER\nI do great.\n\nDOCTOR\nHi Roy.\n\nROY\nOh, hey Dr. Siegel.\n\nJERRY\nHey Doc, check this out. (does an around-the-world)\nI *just*\n\nlearned that.\n\nDOCTOR\nI just wanted to stop by to see if you\nhad any questions about\n\ntomorrow's operation.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I have a question. What do you\nknow about inter-abdominal\n\nretractors?\n\nDOCTOR\nAre you asking because you saw \"20/20\"\nlast night?\n\nKRAMER\nI sure am.\n\nDOCTOR\nWell that report was about *one* very\nspecific type of retractor\n\nand I can assure you we do not use that kind type of retractor\nin\n\nyour friend's procedure.\n\nKRAMER\nBut you *will* use... a retractor.\n\nDOCTOR\nWe have to...\n\nKRAMER\nMmm-hmm...\n\nDOCTOR\nTell you what. You're obviously concerned\nabout your friend's\n\nwelfare. A few of my students will be observing tomorrow's\n\noperation from the viewing gallery. How would you like to watch\nit\n\nwith them?\n\nKRAMER\nI'd love to watch the operation, yeah!\n\nJERRY\nI dunno...\n\nKRAMER\nOh, come on Jerry. You gotta see the\noperation. They're gonna cut\n\nhim open. His guts'll be all over the place...\n\nJERRY\nYeah, that's true...\n\nKRAMER\n...They'll saw through bone. (makes\nsaw noises while gesturing over\n\nRoy's chest) You'll see what's *inside* bone...\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nGEORGE\nHi...\n\nJERRY\nWhat are doing, you crying??\n\nGEORGE\nNo...\n\nJERRY\nYou crying from \"Home Alone\"??\n\nGEORGE\nThe old man got to me.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, just get yourself together...\nI dunno if I can be friends\n\nwith you anymore after this display\n\nGEORGE\nShut up! What are you doing back so\nsoon, anyway?\n\nJERRY\nOh, I never even got to the gym. Kramer\ngot the gloves and wanted\n\nto get home and start working on his floor.\n\nGEORGE\nHow's the guy?\n\nJERRY\nOh, he's okay. In fact him and Elaine\nare getting pretty chummy.\n\nNow Elaine wants me to buy some of his art.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's nerve...\n\nJERRY\nYeah, so she and \"Triangle Boy\" can\ngo out to fancy restaurants.\n\nGEORGE\nY'know what it is? It's \"Clara Nightingale\nSyndrome\". He falls\n\nill; she falls in love.\n\nJERRY\nYou mean Florence Nightingale.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat'd I say? Clara?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, you must have meant Clara Barton.\n\nGEORGE\nClara Barton? What did she do?\n\nJERRY\nI'm not sure, but I think she was nice.\n\nGEORGE\nSusan B. Anthony I think I'd have a\nproblem with.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I think you would.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, you gonna buy his art?\n\nJERRY\nNo. Why don't you buy it? You got 1\n900 dollars.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, that's what I want-- triangles.\nAlright, I'm outta here.\n\nHave fun with what's-her-name.\n\nJERRY\nI will.\n\nGEORGE\nY'know, now you gotta ask her her name.\nIt's so embarrassing.\n\nJERRY\nNo, it isn't. I can find out.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah? How?\n\nJERRY\nThere are ways.\n\nJERRY\nY'know I remember when I was a kid growin\nup, kids would make fun\n\nof my name like you wouldn't believe-- \"Jerry Jerry Dingleberry\",\n\n\"Seinsmelled\"...\n\nWOMAN\n\"Seinsmelled\"?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. What about you? Did people make\nfun of your name?\n\nWOMAN\nAre you kidding? They were merciless!\nWhat do you expect when your\n\nname rhymes with a part of the female anatomy? Of course, not\n\neverybody can be as sweet as you are.\n\nWOMAN\nOh, Jerry...\n\nJERRY\nOh... *you*...\n\nGEORGE\nNow let's try \"breast\"... Celeste...\nKest...\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nRest... Sest... Hest...\n\nJERRY\n\"Hest\"? That's not a name.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, you should've just asked her.\n\nJERRY\nI know, I should've asked her.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat're you gonna do now?\n\nJERRY\nI dunno. I can't ask her now; I've already\nmade out with her. Once\n\nyou make out with a woman, you can't ask her her name.\n\nGEORGE\nAretha!\n\nJERRY\nNo...\n\nGEORGE\nBovary!\n\nJERRY\nAlright, that's enough.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, well you know what you gotta\ndo, you gotta go through her\n\npurse. Y'know, the credit cards, driver's license...\n\nJERRY\nHow am I gonna do that?\n\nGEORGE\nWhen she goes to the bathroom.\n\nKRAMER\nAh, there you are. My date stood me\nup. Listen, will you guys\n\ngo to the operation with me?\n\nJERRY\nYou asked a date to go to the operation?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah... So c'mon, what d'you say?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat kind of operation is it?\n\nKRAMER\nSpleenectomy.\n\nGEORGE\nIsn't that where they remove the--\n\nKRAMER\nDon't ruin it for me, I haven't seen\nit yet!\n\nKRAMER\nC'mon, what d'you say?\n\nGEORGE\nMulva!\n\nJERRY\nMulva?\n\nKRAMER\nC'mon, do you wanna go?\n\nJERRY\nAlright, alright. Just let me finish\nmy coffee... then we'll go\n\nwatch them slice this fat bastard up.\n\nDOCTOR\nNow we'll open the peritoneal cavity,\nexposing the body's internal\n\norgans. Nurse-- retractor.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you eating?\n\nKRAMER\nJunior Mints. Do you want one?\n\nJERRY\nNo...\n\nKRAMER\nI can't see... Psst....\n\nJERRY\nWhere'd you get those?\n\nKRAMER\nThe machine. You want one? Here, take\none.\n\nJERRY\nI don't want any!\n\nKRAMER\nNo, they're good!\n\nJERRY\nI don't want any!\n\nKRAMER\nJust take one.\n\nJERRY\nNo! Kramer, stop it!\n\n30)\n\nJERRY\n...Over the balcony, bounced off some\nrespirator thing *into* the\n\npatient!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat do you mean \"into the patient\"?\n\nJERRY\nInto the patient, *literally*!\n\nGEORGE\nInto the hole?\n\nJERRY\nYes, the hole!\n\nGEORGE\nDidn't they notice it?\n\nJERRY\nNo!\n\nGEORGE\nHow could they not notice it?!?\n\nJERRY\nBecause it's a little mint. It's a *Junior*\nMint.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat did they do?\n\nJERRY\nThey sealed him up with the mint inside.\n\nGEORGE\nThey *left* the Junior Mint *in* him?\n\nJERRY\nYes!\n\nGEORGE\nI guess it can't hurt him... People\neat *pounds* of those things.\n\nJERRY\nThey *eat* them, they don't put them\nnext to vital organs in their\n\nabdominal cavity!\n\nKRAMER\nHey, this wallpaper is *very* good.\nMy place looks like a ski\n\nlodge!\n\nJERRY\nWhy did you force that mint on me? I\ndidn't want the mint!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I didn't believe you.\n\nJERRY\nHow could you not believe me?!?\n\nKRAMER\nWho's gonna turn down a Junior Mint?\nIt's chocolate, it's\n\npeppermint-- it's *delicious*!\n\nJERRY\nThat's true.\n\nKRAMER\nIt's very refreshing!\n\nJERRY\nWell, just don't say anything about\nthis to Elaine...\n\nELAINE\nPrognosis... negative.\n\nJERRY\nPrognosis *negative*!?\n\nELAINE\nHe's not doing well, the doctors don't\nknow what it is. They're\n\nbaffled.\n\nJ+K\nOh, my God...\n\nELAINE\nJust my luck, y'know... just when he's\ngetting thin and attractive.\n\nY'know Jerry, you should buy some of his art. That would really\n\nlift his spirits.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's that bleak?\n\nELAINE\nMmm...\n\nGEORGE\nY'know if the guy dies, the art could\nreally be worth something...\n\nJERRY\nWe gotta confess.\n\nKRAMER\nReally?\n\nJERRY\nYes!\n\nKRAMER\nWe could be tried for murder...\n\nJERRY\nI can't have this on my conscience.\nWe're like Leopold and Loeb!\n\nKRAMER\nYou're not gonna say anything, you got\nthat?\n\nJERRY\nI'm telling and you can't stop me!\n\nKRAMER\nYou're *not*!!!\n\nGEORGE\nHey Elaine? Put me down for some of\nthat art. 1 900 dollars worth.\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah, that's the spot...\n\nWOMAN\nWhat're you so tense about?\n\nJERRY\nOh, nothing really... Just a homicide.\n(She finds the right spot\n\non his back) Oh that's terrific... Mulva.\n\nWOMAN\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nMulva?\n\nWOMAN\nMulva?\n\nJERRY\nMy Aunt's name is Mulva. She's a masseuse.\n\nWOMAN\nI'm going to the bathroom. Be right\nback.\n\nJERRY\nOh, good idea...\n\nWOMAN\nWhat are you doing?\n\nJERRY\nOh, I was just looking for some... gum\nor... mint.\n\nWOMAN\nOh, I have Junior Mints.\n\nJERRY\nNo! (throws her purse back at her) No,\nI mean, no thank you...\n\nKRAMER\nAny news?\n\nJERRY\n(whispering) No, you better get out\nof here. No, wait a second...\n\nWait a second... I don't know the name of this woman in the\n\nbathroom, so when she comes out, you introduce yourself and then\n\nshe'll be forced to say her name.\n\nKRAMER\n10-4.\n\nWOMAN\nOh, hello.\n\nKRAMER\nHello, I'm Kramer.\n\nWOMAN\nNice to meet you.\n\nKRAMER\nSee you later. (He leaves)\n\nWOMAN\nWell, I better get going. I don't want\nto be late for the play.\n\nY'know my cousin knows the producer. I may get to go backstage\n\nand meet Olympia Dukakis.\n\nJERRY\nHey, there's a name you don't forget.\n\nWOMAN\nOh, hi.\n\nGEORGE\nHi, I'm George.\n\nWOMAN\nNice to meet you, George.\n\nGEORGE\nI gave it a shot... So, any word on\nthe \"artiste\"?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I haven't heard anything.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I got my triangles.\n\nJERRY\nReally...\n\nGEORGE\nYup, y'know, they really spruce up the\napartment.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I'm sure...\n\nJERRY\nWell, I gotta call the Hospital. I gotta\ntell 'em what happened.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, Jerry. I wouldn't do that.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nGEORGE\nYou could get in trouble.\n\nJERRY\nLook, I gotta try and help the guy.\n\nGEORGE\nWho are you to play God!? Every man's\ntime comes! If his number\n\nis up, who are you to interfere!?\n\nJERRY\nYes I'd like to speak to Dr. Siegel...\nit's about Roy Kordic's\n\ncondition...\n\nGEORGE\nWhat? What?\n\nJERRY\nOh, thats *fantastic*!\n\nGEORGE\nHe didn't get better, did he?\n\nJERRY\nThank you very much. Bye-bye. He's gonna\nbe okay!\n\nGEORGE\nWhere's the luck? There's no luck. 1\n900 dollars down the drain.\n\nROY\nYou saved my life, George. You buying\nmy art is what inspired me\n\nto get better. I'll never forget what you did for me.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, that's great. That's great.\n\nKRAMER\nY'know, art is a great investment.\n\nELAINE\nIt's gonna look great in your apartment,\nGeorge.\n\nGEORGE\nYes I look forward to many years of\nlooking at the triangles.\n\nWell, I'll wait for you outside.\n\nROY\nHey, George... (kiss)\n\nDOCTOR\nY'know I don't want to totally discount\nthe emotional element in\n\nyour recovery, but I think there were other factors at play here.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you mean?\n\nDOCTOR\nI have no medical evidence to back me\nup, but something happened\n\nduring the operation that staved off that infection. Something\n\nbeyond science. Something perhaps from above...\n\nKRAMER\nMint?\n\nDOCTOR\nThose can be very refreshing.\n\nROY\nSo Elaine... Where are we going for\nour big dinner on Friday?\n\nELAINE\nI'm so sorry Roy, but actually, we're\ngoing to the Poconos on\n\nFriday, right honey? (pointing to Jerry (the boyfriend))\n\nJERRY\nI don't think so...\n\nELAINE\nWe are...\n\nJERRY\nI believe we're not...\n\nELAINE\n(Catching another glimpse of Roy eating)\nPlease can we go to\n\nthe Poconos?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I'll think about it...\n\nWOMAN\nGreat seats. You could see the actors\nspitting.\n\nJERRY\nReally...\n\nWOMAN\nAnd afterwards we went backstage and\nOlympia Dukakis autographed my\n\nplaybill.\n\nJERRY\nOh, what're you saying, you got her\nautograph?\n\nWOMAN\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nDo you have it with you?\n\nWOMAN\nYeah, it's in my purse.\n\nJERRY\nLet me see.\n\nWOMAN\nY'know I really think I'm falling for\nyou, Jerry Seinfeld.\n\nWOMAN\nOh, well, I really think I'm falling\nfor you... (reads autograph)\n\n...Joseph Puglia...\n\nWOMAN\nI had it autographed for my uncle.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I know...\n\nWOMAN\nYou don't know my name, do you?\n\nJERRY\nYes I do.\n\nWOMAN\nWhat is it?\n\nJERRY\nIt, uh, rhymes with a female body part.\n\nWOMAN\nWhat is it?\n\nJERRY\nMulva...\n\nJERRY\nGipple?\n\nJERRY\nLoleola?\n\nJERRY\nOh! Oh! *Delores*!\n\n15)\n\nJERRY\nAges zero through ten, candy is your\nlife. There's nothing else.\n\nFamily, friends, school-- they're only obstacles in the way of\n\ngetting more candy. And you have your favourite candies that\nyou\n\nlove. \"I love those... I hate those...\". \"I hate those... I\n\nlove those...\". And only a seven year old kid can taste the\n\ndifference between a red M&M and a light brown M&M. Two totally\n\ndifferent things when you're seven years old. \"Well, your red\nis\n\nmore of a main course M&M, but the brown is more of a mellower\n\nflavour; it's an after dinner M&M, really\".\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Smelly-Car.html",
    "text": "THE SMELLY CAR\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David & Peter Mehlman\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\n...And it *is* embarrassing, because\na doggie bag means either you\n\nare out at a restaurant when you aren't hungry, or you've chosen\nthe\n\nstupidest possible way to get dog food that there is. How about\nthe\n\ndoggie bag on a date? That's a good move for a guy, huh? Lemme\ntell\n\nYOU SOMETHING\nif you're a guy and you ask for the\ndoggie bag on a\n\ndate, you might as well have them just wrap up your genitals\ntoo.\n\nYou're not going to be needing those for awhile, either.\n\nJERRY\nIs that bothering you?\n\nELAINE\nNo, not at all...\n\nELAINE\nOh, could you please hurry?\n\nJERRY\n(mockingly) \"Please hurry\". Look at\nyou. Look at what you've\n\nbecome.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? What have I become? I haven't\n\"become\" anything...\n\nJERRY\nOh, *Carl* can't wait a few more minutes?\n\nELAINE\nI don't want to keep him waiting...\n\nJERRY\nHe'll like you more...\n\nELAINE\nThat's impossible...\n\nWIFE\nAndrew, why do you have to pick your\nteeth at the table?\n\nHUSBAND\nLeave me alone.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I'm wanting to get married *real*\nsoon...\n\nJERRY\nSo, where am I dropping you?\n\nELAINE\nHis place...\n\nJERRY\nThis guy's got quite a racket. I take\nyou to dinner and then drop\n\nyou off at his apartment...\n\nELAINE\n*And* he gets the rest of my chicken...\n\nJERRY\nSo, is tonight \"the night\"?\n\nELAINE\nYou never know...\n\nJERRY\nOooh! Bay-bee *doll*!\n\nJERRY\nBoy, do you smell something?\n\nELAINE\nDo I smell something? What am I, hard\nof smelling? Of *course* I\n\nsmell something.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is it?\n\nELAINE\nI think it's B.O.!\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nIt's B.O. The *valet* must have had\nB.O.\n\nJERRY\nIt *can't* be. Nobody has B.O. like\nthis.\n\nELAINE\nJerry. It's *B*.*O*.\n\nJERRY\nBut the whole car smells.\n\nELAINE\nSo?\n\nJERRY\nSo when somebody has B.O., the \"O\" usually\nstays with the \"B\".\n\nOnce the \"B\" leaves, the \"O\" goes with it.\n\nELAINE\nI can't believe you ski!\n\nCARL\nI'm a great skier.\n\nELAINE\nYeah? What else?\n\nCARL\nLet's see... I ski, I fish, I pillage,\nI plunder...\n\nELAINE\n(delightedly) Oh! You \"pillage and plunder\"?\n\nCARL\n...When I travel.\n\nELAINE\nSee? Finally, *finally* I get to meet\na man who pillages and\n\nplunders! I'm so lucky.\n\nGEORGE\nThis'll only take a second.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I'm going to poke around...\n\nGEORGE\n(to himself) Hey, whatd'ya know? Look\nat that! A *lesbian*\n\nsighting. Oh-ho! My lucky day. They're *so* fascinating. Why\nis\n\nthat? Because they don't want us. You gotta respect that...\n\nGEORGE\n(to himself) Oh, my God! It's Susan!\nWhat do I do?\n\nSUSAN\nGeorge?\n\nGEORGE\n(to himself) Argh! (to Susan) Susan!\nHi! Oh, boy! What are\n\nyou doing here?!\n\nSUSAN\nRenting a video! What do you got there?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, ... some stupid movie...\n\nSUSAN\nThis is Mona.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, hi...\n\nMONA\nPleasure to meet you.\n\nGEORGE\nYes. Well...\n\nMONA\nWell, I'll let you two, uh... catch\nup.\n\nSUSAN\nYou okay?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Yes! I just haven't seen you in\na long time.\n\nSUSAN\nAnd you didn't expect me to be holding\nhands with a woman.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, *please*! Me? C'mon! That's *great*!\nAre you kidding? I\n\nthink thats fan*tastic*! I've always encouraged experimentation!\n\nI'm the first guy in the pool! Who do you think you're talking\nto?\n\nSUSAN\nI *know* who I'm talking to.\n\nGEORGE\nOf course you do... It's just, uh, y'know,\nI-I never *knew*, uh,\n\nthat, uh...\n\nSUSAN\nI liked women?\n\nGEORGE\nThere you go.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, uh, how long has this been going\non?\n\nSUSAN\nSince you and I broke up.\n\nGEORGE\nSsssso, after me, you... went that way?\n\nSUSAN\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, I think that's fantastic. Good for\nyou. Nice. That's very\n\nnice.\n\nSUSAN\nSo, what have you got there?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, I, uh--\n\nSUSAN\nOh, ``Rochelle, Rochelle\"\n\nGEORGE\nIt's a foreign movie... a *film*, is\nwhat it is, actually.\n\nSUSAN\nYeah... A lot of nudity in that, huh?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no, no... Just a *tiny* bit... It's\nnot even *frontal* nudity.\n\nIt's... *sidal* nudity...\n\nCLERK\nNext.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, that's me.\n\nSUSAN\nAlright, well... Good seeing you, George.\n\nGEORGE\nYes, good to see you, too. And Good\nluck with, uh... with the\n\nwhole thing, there.\n\nCLERK\nUh, what are you returning?\n\nGEORGE\n(embarrassed pause) ``Rochelle, Rochelle\".\n\nCLERK\nAh, ``Rochelle, Rochelle\"... \"A young\ngirl's strange, erotic\n\njourney from Milan to Minsk\"...\n\nCLERK\nUh, that'll be, uh... $3.49.\n\nGEORGE\n$3.49? It says $1.49.\n\nCLERK\nWell, you didn't rewind it. There's\na $2.00 charge for not\n\nrewinding.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat! There's no signs here! This is\nan outrage!\n\nKRAMER\nGeorge, don't give him any money for\nthat. It'll cost you less to\n\nkeep it another day, rewind it and bring it back tomorrow. Don't\n\ngive him the satisfaction.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm not giving you the satisfaction.\nI'm gonna watch it again...\n\nJERRY\nSo, this morning I go down to the garage\nto check the car out. I\n\nfigure by this time, the odour molecules have had at least twelve\n\nhours to de-smellify. I open the car door, like a *punch* in\nthe\n\n*face*, the stench hits me-- it's almost as if it had *gained*\n\nstrength throughout the night...\n\nELAINE\nY'know I can think of at *least* six\nknown offensive odours that\n\nI would *rather* smell than what's livin' in your car.\n\nJERRY\nWhat about skunk?\n\nELAINE\nI don't mind skunk.\n\nJERRY\nHorse manure?\n\nELAINE\nI *loooove* horse manure.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I've never seen anything like\nthis in my life. In fact, I\n\nwent to the car wash, they want 250 dollars to detail it, and\nget\n\nthe smell out. I'm not payin' for that. That's not my\n\nresponsibility. In fact, I'm drivin' up to that restaurant now,\n\nand *demand* they pay for it.\n\nELAINE\nAbsolutely.\n\nELAINE\nListen, lemme ask you something. When\nyou're with a guy, and he\n\ntells you he has to get up early, what does that mean?\n\nJERRY\nIt means he's lying.\n\nELAINE\nWow...\n\nJERRY\nWhy? Is that what he told you?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, last night. Oh, come on... Men\n*have* to get up early some\n\ntime...\n\nJERRY\nNo. Never.\n\nELAINE\nJerry! I'm *sure* I've seen men on the\nstreet early in the morning.\n\nJERRY\nWell, sometimes we do actually have\nto get up early, but a man will\n\n*always* trade sleep for sex.\n\nELAINE\nIs it possible I'm not as attractive\nas I think I am?\n\nJERRY\nAnything's *possible*...\n\nJERRY\nWhat's the matter with you?\n\nKRAMER\nSteinbrenner! He's ruinin' my life...\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah, Steinbrenner...\n\nKRAMER\nI don't think I can take another season\nwith him, Jerry. He'll\n\njust trade away their best young prospects, just like he did\nwith\n\nBeuner, McGee, Drabek... McGriff...\n\nJERRY\nI know the list...\n\nKRAMER\nWhat's that smell?\n\nJERRY\nWhat smell?\n\nKRAMER\nOoooh... You stink.\n\nJERRY\nWhatd'ya mean I stink?\n\nKRAMER\nYou *stink*. Why don't you go take a\nshower?\n\nJERRY\nI showered! Oh, wait a second... Since\nI showered, I've been in\n\nthe car!\n\nELAINE\nSo?\n\nJERRY\nDon't you see what's happening here?\nIt's attached itself to me!\n\nIt's alive!\n\nELAINE\nIf it attached itself to you, then...\nOh, my God! That's why Carl\n\nsaid he had to get up early! Because I stink! Jerry, he thinks\nI\n\nhave B.O.! Me!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat happened?\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened? My car *stinks* is what\nhappened. And it's\n\ndestroying the lives of everyone in it's path.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat is that? B.O.?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nThis is *unbelievable* B.O.\n\nJERRY\nI know... I was at the car wash this\nmorning and the guy told me\n\nin his 38 years in the business, he's never smelled anything\nlike\n\nit.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, let me ask you. Do you think I could\nhave done this?\n\nJERRY\nNo, no. It's the valet guy.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no, I mean, driving Susan to lesbianism.\n\nJERRY\nOh... No, that's ridiculous.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat if her experience with me *drove*\nher to it?\n\nJERRY\nSuicide, maybe, not lesbianism.\n\nGEORGE\nThe woman she's \"lesbianing\" with? Susan\ntold me she's *never*\n\nbeen with a guy.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, this isn't even B.O.! This is *beyond*\nB.O.! It's *B*.B.O.!\n\nJERRY\nThere should be a B.O. squad that patrols\nthe city like a \"Smell\n\nGestapo\". To sniff 'em out, strip 'em down, and wash them with\na\n\nbig, soapy brush...\n\nGEORGE\nY'know, the funny thing is, somehow\nI find her more appealing\n\nnow... It's like if I knew she was a lesbian when we went out,\nI\n\nnever would've broken up with her.\n\nJERRY\nLemme see if I understand this... On\nsecond thought...\n\nJERRY\nHere he is... that's the guy! (rolls\nup window)\n\nNo, thank you, go back... go back... I'll park it! You go back!\n\nRESTAURATEUR\nWhat do you mean-- \"stunk up\"?\n\nJERRY\nI mean the car *stinks*! George, does\nthe car stink?\n\nGEORGE\nStinks.\n\nJERRY\nStinks!\n\nRESTAURATEUR\nWell, perhaps *you're* the one who has\nthe odour...\n\nJERRY\nHey, I've never smelled in my *life*,\nbuddy!\n\nRESTAURATEUR\nReally? Well, I smell you now.\n\nJERRY\nThat's from the car!\n\nRESTAURATEUR\nWell, maybe *you're* the one who stunk\nup the car, rather\n\nthan the car stinking up you!\n\nGEORGE\nOh, it's the chicken and the egg...\n\nJERRY\nThank you very much... Well, then go\nout and smell the car;\n\nsee which smells worse.\n\nRESTAURATEUR\nI don't have time to smell cars.\n\nGEORGE\nForget about smelling the car. Smell\nthe valet. Go to the\n\nsource...\n\nJERRY\nYou've gotta smell the car\n\nRESTAURATEUR\nI'm a busy man\n\nJERRY\nC'mon! One whiff!\n\nRESTAURATEUR\nAlright, one whiff...\n\nRESTAURATEUR\nAlright! I give up! I admit it! It stinks!\nNow will you\n\nlet me out!\n\nJERRY\nAlright, will you pay for the cleaning?\n\nRESTAURATEUR\nYes! 50 dollars! I'll give you 50 dollars!\n\nRESTAURATEUR\nI'm not paying for *that*. They've already\ngot my seven\n\ndollars... (sarcastically) \"...erotic journey from Milan to\n\nMinsk\"...\n\nCARL\nThe valet had such bad B.O.?\n\nELAINE: OH, MAN, JUST *RAMPANT*, MUTANT B.O. THE \"O\" WENT FROM\nTHE\n\nvalet's \"B\", to the car, to me. It clings to everything. Jerry\n\nthinks it's an entity. But I showered and I shampoo'ed, so...\n\nCARL\nThat's a relief...\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nCARL\nIt's still there...\n\nELAINE\nNo, no, no! It *can't* be! I shampoo'ed!\nI rinsed! I repeated!\n\nGEORGE\nListen, I gotta ask you: I was a little\nconcerned that perhaps I\n\nwas responsible in some way for your, uh... metamorphosis.\n\nCLERK\nThat'll be $98.00.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat $98.00?\n\nCLERK\nThat's what I said. $98.00.\n\nGEORGE\nHow could that piece of *crap* cost\n$98.00!?\n\nGEORGE\nSo, was it me?\n\nSUSAN\nOh, don't be ridiculous! Is that what\nyou wanted to talk to me\n\nabout? (Gives him the $35) Here.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, thanks. Thanks a lot. I'll pay you\nback.\n\nSUSAN\nYeah, *sure*... I gotta go.\n\nGEORGE\nListen. Let me ask you something. If\nyou and Mona were ever\n\nto... dance, how do you decide who leads? I mean... do you take\n\nturns? Do you discuss it beforehand? How does that work?\n\nSUSAN\nYou're an idiot.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy? That's a *legitimate* sociological\nquestion.\n\nSUSAN\nI'll see ya. And George, by the way...\nYou stink... Real bad.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's not me! It's the car!\n\nMONA\nI didn't think I'd come.\n\nKRAMER\nI knew you would.\n\nMONA\nOh, Kramer!\n\nCAR WASHER\nWe spray everything with Ozium-D, let\nit de-ionise, vacuum the\n\nspray out with a de-ionising machine. Hit it with high-pressure\n\ncompressed air, and wet-dry vac it to extract the remaining\n\nliquids. We top it off with one of our seven air-fresheners,\nin\n\nyour case, I would recommend the Jasmine, or the Potpourri.\n\nJERRY\nLet's do it.\n\nHAIRDRESSER\nThe first thing we're gonna do is flush\nthe follicles with the\n\nfive essential oils. Then, we put you under a vapour machine,\n\nand then a heated cap. Then, we shampoo and shampoo and\n\ncondition and condition. Then, we saturate the hair in diluted\n\nvinegar-- two parts vinegar, 10 parts water. Now, if that\n\ndoesn't work, we have one last resort. Tomato sauce.\n\nELAINE\nTomato Sauce?\n\nJERRY\nWait a minute! It still smells! It still\nsmells!\n\nCARL\nIt still smells.\n\nJERRY\nIt still smells!\n\nGEORGE\nHow could it still smell after all that?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know!\n\nGEORGE\nWell, what are you gonna do?\n\nJERRY\nI'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm\nselling that car!\n\nGEORGE\nYou're *selling* the car!?\n\nJERRY\nYou don't understand what I'm up against.\nThis is a force more\n\npowerful than anything you can imagine. Even *Superman* would\nbe\n\nhelpless against this kind of stench. And I'll take anything\nI can\n\nget for it.\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe I'll buy it.\n\nJERRY\nAre you crazy? Don't you understand\nwhat I'm saying to you? This\n\nis not just an odour-- you need a *priest* to get rid of this\nthing!\n\nELAINE\nI still smell!\n\nJERRY\nYou see! You see what I'm saying to\nyou? It's a presence! It's\n\nthe beast!\n\nSUSAN\nKramer! Kramer! Kramer, open up, I know\nyou're in there!\n\nJERRY\nSusan!\n\nSUSAN\nKramer!\n\nJERRY\nWhat is going on?\n\nSUSAN\nYou know what's going on? First, he\nvomits on me. Then, he burns\n\ndown my father's cabin. And now, he's taken Mona away from me.\n\nGEORGE\nHe stole your girlfriend?\n\nSUSAN\nYes. She's in *love* with him.\n\nGEORGE\nAmazing. I drive them to lesbianism,\nhe brings 'em back.\n\nJERRY\nThat's the *least* of what you've accomplished...\n\nELAINE\nWait a minute, wait a minute. Kramer,\nKramer... Hold on a second.\n\nI don't get this. This woman has *never* been with a man her\n\n*entire* life--\n\nKRAMER\nI'm Kramer.\n\nGEORGE\nI know what you're going through. Women.\nWho knows what they want?\n\nSUSAN\nI just don't know what she sees in *Kramer*.\n\nGEORGE\nListen. You're beautiful. You're intelligent.\nYou'll meet other\n\ngirls...\n\nSUSAN\nYou think so?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, I know so. You happen to be a very\neligible lesbian.\n\nSUSAN\nYou're very sweet...\n\nGEORGE\nHey, I know what I'm talking about.\nI gotta be honest with you, I\n\ngotta tell ya... Ever since I saw you holding hands with that\n\nwoman, I can't get you out of my mind.\n\nSUSAN\nReally?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, you're just so... hip.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, my God...\n\nSUSAN\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's Allison. I dated her right after\nyou. She's obsessed with me.\n\nALLISON\nGeorge?\n\nGEORGE\nAllison! Hi! Oh, my God! How are you?\n\nALLISON\nGood. You know, you owe me $50...\n\nGEORGE\nRight. I don't have it on me. Allison,\nthis is Susan. Susan,\n\nAllison.\n\nALLISON\nNice to meet you...\n\nSUSAN\nNice to meet you...\n\nALLISON\nThat's a beautiful vest...\n\nSUSAN\nThank you...\n\nKRAMER\nI don't understand it. I was with her\nlast night in my apartment;\n\nit was very romantic. Y'know with that fake wood wallpaper, the\n\natmosphere is *fabulous* in there, now. It's like a ski lodge.\n\nSALESMAN\nWhat year did you say this was?\n\nJERRY\n'90.\n\nKRAMER\nAnyway, we were on the couch, I move\nto hug her, next thing she\n\ntells me she's leaving; she's got to get up early.\n\nJERRY\nThat's strange...\n\nSALESMAN\nHow many miles you got on this thing?\n\nJERRY\n23 000.\n\nKRAMER\nAnd I was looking good, too. I had a\nnice, new shirt on, I'm\n\nwearing *your* jacket...\n\nJERRY\nWait a second... My jacket! I wore that\nin the car! The Beast!\n\nSALESMAN\nI can't sell this car.\n\nJERRY: THIS... THING... HAS GOT TO BE STOPPED!\n\nHAIRDRESSER\nSo, what do you want to do?\n\nELAINE\nSauce me.\n\nJERRY\nWhy do we need B.O.? What is the function\nof it? Everything in\n\nnature has a reason, has a purpose, except B.O. Doesn't make\nany\n\nsense-- do something good, hard work, exercise, smell very bad.\n\nThis is the way the human being is designed. You move, you stink.\n\nWhy can't our bodies help us? Why can't sweat smell good? It'd\nbe\n\na different world, wouldn't it? Instead of putting your laundry\nin\n\nthe hamper, you'd put it in a vase. You'd go down to the drugstore\n\nand pick up some odourant and perspirant. You'd probably have\na\n\ndirty sweat sock hanging from the rear-view mirror of your car.\n\nAnd then on a really special night, maybe a little underwear\ncomin'\n\nout of your breast pocket. Just to let her know she's important.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Handicap-Spot.html",
    "text": "THE HANDICAP SPOT\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David\n\n(At the comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nI have a friend who is about to get\nmarried, they're having the bachelor\nparty and the\n\nbridal shower on the same day... So it's conceivable that while\nshe's getting the lingerie, he'd be at\n\na nude bar watching a table dancer wearing the same outfit. That\nis possible. But to me, the\n\ndifference between being single and being married, is the form\nof government. You see, when you're\n\nsingle, you are the dictator of your own life. I have complete\npower. I can give the order to fall\n\nasleep on the sofa with the TV on in the middle of the day, no-one\ncan overrule me! When you're\n\nmarried, you're part of a vast decision-making body. Before anything\ngets done there are meetings.\n\nCommittees have to study the situation. And this is if the marriage\nworks. That's what's so painful\n\nABOUT DIVORCE\nyou get impeached and you're not even\nthe president!\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nGEORGE\nHey, is it my imagination, or do really\ngood looking women walk a lot faster\nthan\n\neverybody else?\n\nELAINE\nWe don't walk that fast...\n\nGEORGE\nNo seriously...\n\nELAINE\nSeriously, we don't.\n\nGEORGE\nThe better looking they are, the faster\nthey go! I mean, I see they out there\non the\n\nstreet, they're zooming around, like a blur. Like they have a\nmotor on their ass.\n\nELAINE\n(Yelling to Jerry in the bedroom) Hey\nJerry, come on, let's go. We're gonna\nmiss the\n\npreviews!\n\nJERRY\nWhat's the big hurry?\n\nELAINE\nHey, how are we gettin' to Scott Drake's\nparty on Saturday night?\n\nJERRY\nOh, Drake's party, I forgot to buy a\npresent.\n\nGEORGE\nI gotta buy a present now?\n\nELAINE\nOf course you do, it's an engagement\nparty.\n\nGEORGE\nIt never ends, this present stuff! Engagement\npresent! Then they get married, you\ngonna\n\nhave to get them something for that! Then the baby, there's another\npresent. Then the baby starts\n\ngetting their presents. I don't even like Drake.\n\nJERRY\nYou don't like the Drake?\n\nGEORGE\nHate the Drake.\n\nELAINE\nI *love* the Drake.\n\nJERRY\nHow could you not like the Drake?\n\nGEORGE\nWho's the Drake?\n\nELAINE\n\"Who's the Drake\"?\n\nJERRY\nThe Drake is good!\n\nELAINE\nSo listen, what are you gonna get him?\n\nGEORGE\nI haven't even met the fiancee! Whatever!\n(Leaves for washroom)\n\nJERRY\nElaine, look. I drew this triangle free-hand.\nIt's a doodle. It's perfect!\n\nELAINE\nSo what? That's easy.\n\nJERRY\nEasy?\n\n(Kramer enters in his usual way)\n\nELAINE\nHi! Hey, have you gotten your present\nyet for the Drake?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, no, no, not yet.\n\nJERRY\nDo you like the Drake?\n\nKRAMER\nI *love* the Drake! I'm looking forward\nto meeting the Drakette!\n\nELAINE\nI'm lukewarm about the Drakette.\n\nKRAMER\n(Looking at Jerry's doodle) That's a\nnice triangle...\n\nJERRY\nIt's Isosceles\n\nKRAMER\nOoh, Isosceles. I love the name Isosceles.\nIf I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles.\n\nIsosceles Kramer.\n\nELAINE\nHey, you know what, maybe we should\nall chip in for the gift.\n\nJERRY\nThe chip-in!\n\nELAINE\nHey, a pretty good idea, huh?\n\nJERRY\nYeah!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, the chip-in, defenitely!\n\nJERRY\nYou know what, let's go to that mall\nin Liberal(sp?) before we go to the\nparty. We'll have\n\nto take your car, it's got the most room.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no! My car's not running.\n\n(George enters the room from the washroom)\n\nJERRY\nWhat about your father's car?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no, no. Out of the question. I was\nover there today. He's got the good\nspot in front\n\nof the good building in the good neighbourhood. I know he's not\ngonna wanna move.\n\nJERRY\nAre you serious?\n\nGEORGE\nYou don't know what that spot means\nto him. Once he gets it, he doesn't\ngo out for weeks.\n\nJERRY\nHow about this, you put your car in\nthe good spot, that'll hold the good\nspot in front of\n\nthe good building, and we can get the good car!\n\nGEORGE\nGood thinking!\n\nJERRY\nGood to meet you!\n\n(George's car)\n\nELAINE\nSo what are we gonna get him?\n\nJERRY\nWe could get him anything we wanted,\nwe're chippin' in.\n\nGEORGE\nI like this area. I could live out here.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, we ought to all get a house and\nlive together.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, that's a good idea. I'll tell\nyou what chuckles, I give you permission\nto sublet my\n\nroom right now.\n\nGEORGE\nLook at this. There's no spaces here.\n(to another car) Excuse me, are you\ngettin' out?\n\nMAN IN CAR\nNo!\n\nKRAMER\nWhy don't you take a handicap spot...\n\nGEORGE\nYou think?\n\nELAINE\nNo, no! We'll find a space. There's\nspaces in the other lot.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't want to walk that far.\n\nELAINE\nWhat if a handicapped person needs it?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, come on, they don't drive!\n\nJERRY\nYes, they do!\n\nKRAMER\nHave you ever seen a handicapped person\npull into a space and park?\n\nJERRY\nWell there's spaces there, they must\ndrive!\n\nKRAMER\nWell they don't. If they could drive,\nthey wouldn't be handicapped.\n\nELAINE\nSo if you can drive, you're not handicapped?\n\nGEORGE\nLook, we're not gonna be that long anyway...\nwe have to get to the \"party\"!\n\nKRAMER\nI got news for you: handicapped people,\nthey don't even want to park there!\nThey wanna be\n\ntreated just like anybody else! That's why, those spaces are\nalways empty.\n\nGEORGE\nHe's right! It's the same thing with\nthe femenists. You know, they want everything\nto be\n\nequal, everything! But when the check comes, where are they?\n\nELAINE\nWhat does that mean?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah! Alright, I'm pulling in.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, go ahead.\n\nELAINE\nGeorge!\n\nGEORGE\nOh, come on, it's five minutes.\n\n(pulls into handicap spot)\n\nKRAMER\nMake sure we don't forget where the\ncar's parked.\n\n(walking in the parking garage)\n\nJERRY\nDo you believe the deal we got on this?\nA big screen TV? At that price?\n\nELAINE\nWhat a sale, huh? And how about that\nstore, delivering it tonight? We're\ngonna be swimming\n\nin 'thank you's...\n\nGEORGE\nWhat did I get the veggie burger for?\nYou got a veggie burger, so I had to\nget the veggie\n\nburger, I'm allover crums...\n\nJERRY\nNo-one's gonna have a better gift than\nthis big screen TV! Good for them, love\nthe Drake!\n\nELAINE\nGot to *love* the Drake!\n\n(sound of police cars)\n\nJERRY\nHey, what's going on over here?\n\nELAINE\nMust have been an accident...\n\n(they turn the corner so they can see their car, surrounded by\na lot of people)\n\nJERRY\n(to a woman) Hey, what's going on?\n\nWOMAN\nSome jerk parked in a handicap spot,\nso this woman in a wheelchair had to\nwheel up this\n\nincline, and half way up her batteries gave up, and she rolled\nbackwards into the wall. Taken her to\n\nSt. Elizabeth's...\n\nJERRY\nIs she OK?\n\nWOMAN\nI don't know. We're just waiting here\nfor the owner of this car to show up.\nMay not get out\n\nalive! Thug! Taking up a handicap spot? He's gonna pay!\n\nJERRY\nSon's of bitches! Good luck finding\nthem... him... whatever. I'd like to\nstick around and\n\nget my hands on him myself, but I gotta take off.\n\n(man hits George's car in rage)\n\nGEORGE\nHow are we gonna get out of here? They'll\nkill us!\n\nELAINE\n(to George) Are you happy now?\n\nKRAMER\nWho would think these people we're gonna\nbe here?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know...\n\nELAINE\nWhat about the party? What about the\nDrake?\n\nGEORGE\nScrew the Drake!\n\nJERRY\nI love the Drake!\n\nKRAMER\nLet's just take a bus back to the city.\n\nGEORGE\nCan't leave the car here!\n\nKRAMER\nWhy not?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's my father's car!\n\nEVERYBODY\nYeah! Yeah!\n\nJERRY\nLet's get out of here.\n\n(coffee shop)\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are we gonna do? How are we gonna\nget out of here?\n\nJERRY\nThe thing is, even if we go back by\nthe car, and there's nobody there, how\ndo we know\n\nthey're not all hiding, waiting for us?\n\nELAINE\nWell, they have to give up some time,\nthey can't stay out there all night?\n\nJERRY\nWhat are we, John Dillinger? How did\nthis get to be the crime of the century?\nIt's not like\n\nwe stuck a broomstick in her spokes and she went flying...\n\nGEORGE\nWhat I don't get is, just because the\nbattery is dead, you think she'd be\nable to roll up\n\nthe hill with her hands!\n\nKRAMER\nYou'd think...\n\nGEORGE\nI mean, batteries have gone dead before,\naren't they prepared for that?\n\nKRAMER\nMost of them don't even have batteries.\n\nGEORGE\nMust be one of those rich, spoiled handicapped\npeople, who didn't want to do any work,\nand\n\njust wanted to sit in her wheelchair and take it easy.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah...\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I'm sorry!\n\nELAINE\nOur big screen TV is probably arriving\nright now...\n\nGEORGE\nHow are we gonna get out of here? We\nneed a plan!\n\nJERRY\nI got it! (snaps his fingers) We give\nthe keys to Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nMe?\n\nJERRY\nYeah! You're a woman! Men don't hit\na woman!\n\nELAINE\nOh, they won't?\n\nJERRY\nNot if they don't know you...\n\nELAINE\nI'm not going for this, Kramer should\ngo! It was all his idea!\n\nKRAMER\nNo chance in hell!\n\nJERRY\nWhat if we created some sort of diversion?\nWhat if we all went by the car and started\n\nSCREAMING\n\"There he is, there's the guy that took\nthe handicap spot!\" And then, when they\nall run into\n\nthe other direction, we'll jump in the car!\n\nGEORGE\nThat's good, we'll give it a try...\n\nELAINE\nThat's good...\n\nJERRY\nThat doesn't work, we'll give 'em Kramer!\n\nKRAMER\nHuh?\n\n(parking garage)\n\n(the four of them approach George's car, which is smashed to\npieces)\n\nJERRY\n(as George picks up a broken piece of\nhis car) You know, a lot of these scratches\nwill buff\n\nright out...\n\n(George's parents' house)\n\nFRANK\nEight years have I had this car. Not\na scratch on it! Eight years!\n\n(Estelle is playing Mahjongh with the ladies)\n\nFRANK\nA beautiful Mercury! I special-ordered\nthat bench seat!\n\nGEORGE\nDad, that other car cut us off! They\nhad swastikas all over it... They were\nhurling racial\n\nepiphates at us... I could have been killed!\n\nESTELLE\n(to Frank) I told you not to give it\nto him!\n\nFRANK\n(to George) You know, my insurance doesn't\ncover this? The whole thing is a total\nloss!\n\nMAHJONGH LADY\nFrank, the important thing is, he didn't\nget hurt!\n\nFRANK\nNo it isn't!\n\nMAHJONGH LADY\nSo what are you doing now, Georgie?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm uh... writing a pilot for NBC...\n\nFRANK\nWhere the hell is my paper?\n\nMAHJONGH LADY\nYou're writing a pilot?\n\nESTELLE\nWith his friend, Jerry Seinfeld... the\ncomedian...\n\nMAHJONGH LADY\nSo what's it about?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, Jerry's car gets hit and the other\ndriver doesn't have any insurance, so\nthe judge\n\nsentences him to be Jerry's butler.\n\nMAJONGH LADIES\nThis is the same situation! Frank, maybe\nyou ought to make him your butler!\n\n(giggling)\n\nESTELLE\nEvery time you're with that Kramer,\nsomething happens... He's a real trouble\nmaker!\n\nGEORGE\nNah, he didn't have anything to do with\nit...\n\nESTELLE\nHe's all together crazy, that one! Jerry?\nI used to think was nice... I don't\nknow what\n\nhappened to him...\n\n(Estelle wins at Mahjongh)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Jerry's on the phone with the Drake, Elaine is eating an Oreo\ncookie)\n\nJERRY\n(to the Drake) So it was a good party,\nhuh? Oh... you're welcome, you're welcome...\n(to\n\nElaine) They loved the TV, *loved* it!\n\nELAINE\nOh, yeah...\n\nJERRY\n(to the Drake) Oh, wait a second, I'll\nask her.. that's a great idea. (To Elaine)\nDrake\n\nwants to know if we want to come out to Minneolis this afternoon,\nsince we missed the partly last\n\nnight, to maybe get something to eat?\n\nELAINE\nSure!\n\nJERRY\n(to the Drake) Sure! ... Okay... Don't\nworry, I'm taking MY car! ... okay...\nokay, see you\n\nlater... bye...\n\nJERRY\nThe Drake is great!\n\nELAINE\nHmm.. he's so nice! I'm really happy\nfor them.\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Well, I don't know if I'm happy\nfor them, I mean I'm glad they're happy,\nbut,\n\nfrankly, that doesn't do anything for me.\n\n(buzzer rings)\n\nJERRY\nYes?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's me.\n\nJERRY\nCome on up.\n\n(Door opens, Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nHey. I just came from St. Elizabeth's.\n\nJERRY\nSt. Elizabeth's Hospital? Why?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, the handicapped woman? I went\nto see her.\n\nELAINE\nYou went to see her?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nWow, what happened?\n\nKRAMER\nI'm in love.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, she is the most beautiful woman\nI have ever seen. I love her Jerry,\nI really love\n\nher. I'm gonna ask her to marry me. She's got everything I've\nalways wanted in another human being.\n\nExcept for the walking.\n\nJERRY\nOh, what's the difference, you don't\ngo out that much.\n\n(George enters)\n\nKRAMER\nAh, I'm glad you're here.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, now, we gotta go out. We gotta\nbuy a wheelchair.\n\nGEORGE\nA wheelchair? What for?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you know I went to the hospital\ntoday, and I saw the woman, you know,\nand the\n\nwheelchair is totalled, we gotta get her another one!\n\nGEORGE\nDoesn't she have collision?\n\nKRAMER\nGeorge, I'm in love with her!\n\nGEORGE\nWell, my father works for the United\nVolunteers, maybe he can get her one.\n\nKRAMER\nNo! She needs it now!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about these two? Aren't they gonna\nchip in?\n\nKRAMER\nWell...\n\nELAINE\nHey, we told you not to park there!\n\nGEORGE\nCan't we just fix the old one?\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, alright. Fine George! Don't\nchip in! But some day, we're gonna be\ndriving along,\n\nwe're gonna look out the window, and see her crawling along 5th\navenue! Is that what you want?\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, alright! We'll buy her a wheelchair!\nWheelchairs, engagement presents.. IT\nNEVER\n\nENDS!\n\n(at Surgical Appliances)\n\nSALESMAN\nThis is out best model. The Cougar 9000.\nIt's the Rolls Royce of wheelchairs.\nThis is\n\nlike... you're almost glad to be handicapped.\n\nKRAMER\nSo now, what's this got?\n\nSALESMAN\nInductive joystick, dynamic braking,\nflip-up arms, it's fully loaded. I put\nStephen\n\nHawking in one of these two months ago, he's lovin' it! It's\nrated number one by Hospital Supply and\n\nProsthetic Magazine.\n\nGEORGE\nHow much?\n\nSALESMAN\n6200.\n\nGEORGE\nDo you have something a little more...\nless expensive?\n\n(At the Drake's)\n\n(The Drake opens the door, the Drakette is sitting on the couch)\n\nJERRY AND ELAINE\nHey Drake! Hi Drake!\n\nJERRY\nHey Alison! Hey, there's the TV, Elaine,\nlook at that!\n\nELAINE\nMy God this is fantastic! Tell me, were\nyou guys just blown away or what?\n\nTHE DRAKE\nOh yeah, yeah... it's fantastic...\n\n(Jerry sits down next to Alison)\n\nJERRY\nI am gonna make good use of this! I'm\nwatching every superbowl here, every\nbig fight....\n\nELAINE\nOh man, there is nothing like a really\nbig TV, huh?\n\nJERRY\nSo where're we eatin'?\n\nTHE DRAKE\nWell, actually... Jerry...\n\nELAINE\nI'm *really* hungry!\n\nTHE DRAKE\n... we just broke up...\n\nJERRY\nWhen did this happen?\n\nTHE DRAKE\nAbout 20 minutes ago... Hey, I am really\nsorry about this guys... whew!\n\nJERRY\nLook at the picture on this thing...\n\nELAINE\nOh, cristal clear!\n\nJERRY\nThey know how to make 'em...\n\n(The Drake starts sobbing)\n\nELAINE\nAre there any good Italian restaurants\naround here?\n\nTHE DRAKE\nGagliano's... that's pretty good...\n\nJERRY\nWell... we should...\n\nELAINE\nGet movin'...\n\nJERRY\nYeah... Hey, Drake, what ever happens,\nI am sure it'll be for the best.\n\nELAINE\nTake it easy. Bye-Bye Alison!\n\n(The Drake is sobbing again, Elaine takes the remote control\nout the door then returns)\n\nELAINE\nOh, the remote! Okay, I'm just gonna\nput it on top of the television...\n\n(at Surgical Appliances)\n\nSALESMAN\nAlright, this one is about 8 years old.\nNot a scratch on it, it was owned by\nsome lady\n\nwho only used it to go from the bathroom to the kitchen and to\nfeed her cat.\n\nKRAMER\nBut this'll get you around?\n\nSALESMAN\nOh sure, it just doesn't have any of\nthe thrills of the Cougar.\n\nGEORGE\nLike what?\n\nSALESMAN\nFor example, your tremor-damping.\n\nKRAMER\nNow what's that?\n\nSALESMAN\nIt helps to control the direction regardless\nof the operator's tremors or spasticity.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, is it alright if I try it?\n\nSALESMAN\nHop in!\n\n(Kramer sits down, and likes it)\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah!\n\n(Salesman is laughing)\n\nSALESMAN\nI tell ya...\n\n(Kramer crashes into wheelchairs while trying to control his)\n\nSALESMAN\nWhen I see someone enjoying themselves\nlike that, it reminds me why I got into\nthis\n\nbusiness in the first place.\n\nGEORGE\nHow much?\n\n(Kramer crashes into some more wheelchairs)\n\nSALESMAN\nHow about $240?\n\nGEORGE & KRAMER\nWe'll take it!\n\n(Jerry's appartment)\n\nELAINE\nDrake gave her the TV?\n\nJERRY\nHe gave her all the gifts; he felt guilty.\n\nELAINE\nWell, she can't keep it, it's not fair,\nthat's *our* TV!\n\nJERRY\nI know it is!\n\nELAINE\nBoy, I am really starting to dislike\nthe Drake!\n\nJERRY\nI hate the Drake! Maybe the whole thing\nwas a scam. Anybody can just get engaged\nand get\n\npresents and just keep them all. Maybe they're on their way to\nChicago tomorrow and do the whole\n\nthing all over again.\n\nELAINE\nThey don't know anybody in Chicago.\n\nJERRY\nDon't worry, they'll make friends fast\nwith that nice TV.\n\n(George enters)\n\nGEORGE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey, guess what? The Drake broke up.\n\nGEORGE\nThe Drake broke up?! That's fantastic!\nNow we get the TV back! It'll help defray\n\nsome of the cost of the wheelchair.\n\nJERRY\nI don't know about defraying.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy?\n\nJERRY\nWe're not gettin' that TV.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat do you mean? The engagement is\noff, we get the TV back. That's business.\n\nELAINE\nThe Drakette took it.\n\nGEORGE\nShe can't take it. It's not hers, it's\ntheirs. Once there's no theirs there's\nno hers, it\n\nshould be ours.\n\nELAINE\nWell, she has it!\n\nGEORGE\nI *told* you the Drake was bad! I hate\nthe Drake!\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe we should call her.\n\nELAINE\nWell, who's gonna call?\n\nJERRY\nYou are.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? Why is it me who always has to\ndo these things?\n\nJERRY\nBecause that's your thing!\n\nELAINE\nWhat? Calling people I hardly know,\nand demanding they return expensive\ngifts, that's my\n\n\"thing\"?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, that's your thing.\n\nELAINE\nAlright, gimme the phone... it's my\n\"thing\"...\n\n(Elaine starts dialling)\n\nJERRY\nYou know, I'm thinking about getting\na yo-yo.\n\nGEORGE\nReally?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nI could see that...\n\nHello?\n\nELAINE\nAlison! Hi, this is Elaine...\n\nI gave all the gifts to charity.\n\nELAINE\nOh, Okay... well thanks a lot... sorry\nagain about you and the Drake...\n\nI hate the Drake.\n\nELAINE\nEverybody does. Bye-bye....\n\n(Elaine hangs up the phone)\n\nELAINE\nShe gave it to charity.\n\nJERRY\nCharity?!? That's apalling.\n\nGEORGE\nHow could anybody be so selfish and\ninconsiderate!\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I gave her the wheelchair! You\nshould have seen the look on her face.\nAnd then she\n\ntold me, that the old wheelchair, that wasn't any good anyway!\nSo you see George, the whole\n\nincident was a God blessing! Yeah!\n\nGEORGE\nYou mean a blessing in disguise?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah....\n\n(At George's parents' place)\n\nLADY\nAnd I would also like to personally\nthank our gracious host Frank Costanza,\nwho has earned\n\nthe silver circle award and is our unanimous choice for the United\nVolunteer Representative of the\n\nMonth!\n\n(applause)\n\nLADY\nDue to his tireless effort, he personally\nraised over $22,000. That's a lot of\nwheelchairs!\n\n(applause, door bel rings)\n\nLADY\nOn behalf of the United Volunteers of\nGreater New York, we thank you!\n\n(Estelle opens the front door, two men walk in)\n\nFRANK\nWell... thank you very much!\n\nCOP\nMr. Costanza?\n\nFRANK\nYes?\n\nCOP\nYou're under arrest.\n\nFRANK\nUnder arrest? What for?\n\nCOP\nReckless endangerment of public safety,\nand violation of traffic code 342-A.\n\nFRANK\nWhat's that?\n\nCOP\nParking in a handicap spot. Let's go...\n\nFRANK\nGeorge! George!\n\n(Jerry's appartment)\n\nJERRY\nYour father got arrested? For what?\n\nGEORGE\nParking in a handicap spot. Right in\nthe middle of his United Volunteers\nmeeting. When he\n\ngot back, he chased after me with a baseball bat.\n\nJERRY\nHo-ly!\n\nGEORGE\nBetween the car getting totalled, the\ntowing charge and the fine, there's\nno way I can\n\never pay him back...\n\nJERRY\nSo what are you gonna do?\n\nGEORGE\nI agreed to become his butler.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nJERRY\nWhat's the matter?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's over!\n\nJERRY\nWhat's over?\n\nKRAMER\nMe and Lola....\n\nGEORGE\nThe woman we bought the wheelchair for?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, she dumped me!\n\nJERRY\nShe dumped you?\n\nKRAMER\nShe dumped me! She rolled right over\nme! Said I was a hipster dufus. Am I\na hipster dufus?\n\nJERRY & GEORGE\n... no...\n\nKRAMER\nSaid I'm not good looking enough for\nher. Not good looking! Jerry, look at\nme, look at my\n\nface, huh, am I beautiful? George, am I beautiful?\n\nGEORGE\n...you're very attractive...\n\nKRAMER\nyeah... she says she doesn't wanna see\nme again. Told me to drop dead!\n\nJERRY\nDrop dead?\n\nGEORGE\nBoy, even I never heard that one...\n\nJERRY\nShe's pretty rough!\n\nKRAMER\nYeesh-jip!\n\nGEORGE\nWell, we just blew 240 bucks on a wheelchair.\n\nJERRY\n240 bucks?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, it was slightly used...\n\nJERRY\nUsed?\n\n(cut to Lola rolling down a hill trying to use her brakes that\ndon't work, screaming)\n\n(George's parents' place)\n\n(George's vaccuuming)\n\nFRANK\nI don't think you did such a good job\non these...\n\n(George turns off the vaccuum)\n\nGEORGE\nWhat!?\n\nFRANK\nYou're supposed to your face there!\nDo you see your face in there?\n\n(Phone rings)\n\nFRANK\nYeah? ...oh really?...oh... how about\nthat?... Right down a hill huh?\n\nOkay! Alight! Bye!\n\n(hangs up the phone)\n\nFRANK\nGeorge, forget about the shoes. Want\nyou to do something for me (scribbles\nsomething on a\n\npiece of paper). This handicapped woman had an accident. Somebody\ngave her a used wheelchair with\n\ndefective brakes.\n\nGEORGE\nSons of bitches!\n\nFRANK\nAnyway, I want you to pick up this big\nscreen TV, and deliver it to her.\n\nGEORGE\nBig screen TV?\n\nFRANK\nDo you think you can handle it?\n\n(At the Drakette's)\n\n(knock on door, the Drakette opens)\n\nALISON\nYes?\n\nGEORGE\nHi, we're from the United Volunteers,\nwe've come to pick up the TV.\n\nALISON\nOh great, it's right over there.\n\nKRAMER\nOoh, it's a big one!\n\n{All four inside a delivery van outside the mall)\n\nGEORGE\nWho's got the receipt?\n\nELAINE\nI do.\n\nGEORGE\nWill they give us cash?\n\nJERRY\nThat's their policy.\n\nGEORGE\nI hate this mall, there are never any\nspaces here...\n\nKRAMER\nWhy don't you park in front of the hydrant?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat if there is a fire?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat are the chances of that?\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Pilot-Part-1.html",
    "text": "THE PILOT PART 1\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David\n\n(night club)\n\nJERRY\nTo me, the whole concept of fear of\nsuccess is proof that we are definitely\nscraping the bottom of the fear barrel.\nAre we gonna have to have AA-type meetings\nfor these people? They'll go: \"Hi, my\nname is Bill, and the one thing I'm\nworried about is to have a stereo and\na cream-colored couch.\" According to\nmost studies, people's number-one fear\nis public speaking. Number two is death.\n*Death* is number two! Now, this means\nto the average person, if you have to\ngo to a funeral, you're better off in\nthe casket than doing the eulogy.\n\n(Jerry's)\n\n(Jerry is entering his apartment, following by Kramer)\n\nKRAMER\nWhy can't I play Kramer?\n\nJERRY\nLook we've been through this already.\nYou're not an actor!\n\nKRAMER\nNeither are you.\n\nJERRY\nI know. So why do we need two people\nin the show that can't act?\n\nKRAMER\nOh come on Jerry. How hard is it to\nact. You say something, I'll pretend\nit's funny.\n\nJERRY\nMy grandmother's in the hospital.\n\nKRAMER\nHa ha ha. Your grandmother's in the\nhospital!\n\nJERRY\nThis is real believable.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat you didn't think I was really laughing?\n\nJERRY\nIt stinks.\n\nKRAMER\nLet me see you do it.\n\nJERRY\nSay something funny.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright. I've never been to Mars but\nI imagine it's quite lovely.\n\nJERRY\nAh..........\n\nKRAMER\nMine was better than that! Come on look.\n(starts to laugh again, Jerry too)\n\n(George enters while they're both laughing)\n\nGEORGE\nWhy are two pretending to be laughing?\n\nJERRY\nWe're acting. (they stop laughing)\n\nGEORGE\nOh, real good. (George makes a face\nlike: you stink) Any word from NBC?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't understand. They're supposed\nto be casting this week. Something's\nwrong. Maybe they're not doing it.\n\nKRAMER\n(to Jerry) Well at least let me audition.\n\nJERRY\n(to George) He wants to play Kramer\nin the Pilot.\n\nKRAMER\n(to George) Yeah!\n\nGEORGE\nOut of the question.\n\nKRAMER\nOughh!\n\nGEORGE\n(to Jerry) How could we not hear anything?\nWhat's with this Russel? What's he doing?\n(Jerry raises his arms and shoulders\nlike: he doesn't know)\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Peter McManus cafe, an Italian restaurant)\n\n(Elaine and Russell are sitting down at a table)\n\nRUSSELL\nI really appreciate you coming.\n\nELAINE\nOh, that's O.K. I don't have much time\nthough. So...\n\nRUSSELL\nAll right, first of all, I want to apologize\nfor all the phone calls. It's just--It's\njust-- (awkward pause) I don't understand,\nwe went out once...\n\nELAINE\nThat was two months ago.\n\nRUSSELL\nYes I know. I just-- I can't get you\nout of my mind. Ever since that-- that\nday in the restaurant when we met...\n(we see a flashback from 'The Shoes'\nof Elaine showing her cleavage and asking\nRussell for his Ketchup secret)\n\nELAINE\nRussell, you are the president of NBC.\nYou can have any woman you want. (picks\nup the bowl of munchies on the table)\n\nRUSSELL\nBut I want you.\n\nELAINE\nGod I hate these mixtures. Why don't\nthey just put pretzels on the table.\nEven peanuts would be good, but I don't\nknow how eats these cheesy things (she\ndoes).\n\nRUSSELL\nIs it something I said... or did?\n\nELAINE\nUm... Look Russell... You're a very\nsweet guy. But I got to be honest with\nyou. I don't like television... and\nthat's your world. That's your life.\nI mean maybe if you were in... I don't\nknow... Greenpeace or something, that\nwould be different, but network television...\nI mean, come on, Russell, you're part\nof the problem.\n\nRUSSELL\nOh Elaine, we're doing some really very\ninteresting things right now. We've\ngot some very exciting pilots for next\nseason. We have one with a bright young\ncomedian, Jerry Seinfeld.\n\nELAINE\nOh yeah, oh yeah. I've heard of him.\nHe's that \"Did you ever notice this?\nDid you ever notice that?\" guy.\n\nRUSSELL\nYeah. Anyway it's a ground breaking\nshow.\n\nELAINE\nReally? What is it about?\n\nRUSSELL\n(a little more enthusiast) Well, really,\nit's very unusual. It's about nothing.\n\nELAINE\n(surprised) What do you mean it's about\nnothing?\n\nRUSSELL\n(starts doing George at the first meeting\nwith NBC in 'The Pitch') For example,\nwhat did you do today?\n\nELAINE\nUm, I got up. Um, I went to work. Then\nI came here.\n\nRUSSELL\nThere's a show. that's a show.\n\nELAINE\nRussell, see, I'm really not interested\nin this stuff and I do have to go to\nwork (she gets up). So...\n\nRUSSELL\n(stops doing George, he's down again)\nElaine, When--when--when are we gonna\nsee each other again.\n\nELAINE\nI'm sorry Russell. I'm sorry O.K.? Bye-bye.\n(Russell, still sitting watches her\nleaving).\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's)\n\n(back to when we left earlier with Jerry, Kramer and George.\nJerry is answering the phone while Kramer is about to go back\ninto his apartment)\n\nJERRY\nHello? Yeah he's here. (to Kramer) Hey!\nIt's for you.\n\nGEORGE\nHe's getting phone calls here now? (he's\nstanding near the counter and eating\nchips out of a big bag)\n\n(Kramer sits down and starts to talk on the phone)\n\nJERRY\n(to George) Again with the sweat pants?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat? I'm comfortable.\n\nJERRY\nYou know the message you're sending\nout to the world with these sweat pants?\nYou're telling the world: \"I give up.\nI can't compete in normal society. I'm\nmiserable, so I might as well be comfortable.\"\n(George is baffled)\n\nKRAMER\n(to the phone) Hold on a second I got\nanother call. Hello? Yeah, he'll call\nyou back. (Jerry and George look at\neach other)\n\nJERRY\n(to Kramer) Who is it?\n\nKRAMER\nThat's NBC.\n\nJERRY\nNBC!?! Give me the phone!\n\nKRAMER\nI'm in the middle of a conversation\nhere.\n\nJERRY\nGet off the phone!\n\nKRAMER\n(to the phone) Look, I'll call you back.\n(hangs up)\n\nJERRY\nYou know I'm waiting to hear from them.\nWho was it?\n\nKRAMER\nRussell Dalrimple's secretary.\n\nJERRY\nAll right. Now you're doing something\nto help me. (to the phone) Hello yeah\nit's Jerry Seinfeld returning the call.\nUh-huh.. O.K. great thanks a lot. (hangs\nup)(to George) Casting tomorrow at NBC.\n4:00. We're in business baby, the pilot's\non. You're gonna successful. (George\nlooks disappointed)\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Dana's office)\n\nGEORGE\nWhat if the pilot gets picked up and\nit becomes a series?\n\nDANA\nThat'd be wonderful George, you'll be\nrich and successful.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, that's exactly what I'm worried\nabout. God would never let me be successful.\nHe'd kill me first. He'd never let me\nbe happy.\n\nDANA\nI thought you didn't believe in God?\n\nGEORGE\nI do for the bad things.\n\nDANA\nDo you hear what you're saying? God\nisn't out to get you George. What...\nWhat is that on your lip?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nDANA\nIt's like a discoloration. It's white.\n\nGEORGE\n(gets up and picks a mirror) Yes. Yes,\nit's white. Why it's white.\n\nDANA\nYou'd better get that checked out.\n\nGEORGE\nBetter get that checked out?\n\nDANA\nI would.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat kind of a therapist are you? I'm\ntelling I'm scared that something terrible\nis gonna happen to me, right away you\nstart looking for tumors?\n\nDANA\nI'm trying to help you.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you like a sadist? No matter\nhow bad somebody feels, you can make\n'em feel worse. I bet you're rooting\nfor a tumor. (pointing to her)\n\nDANA\nI think you'd better go.\n\nGEORGE\nOh I'm going baby! I'm going! (he leaves)\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Jerry and George in a cab at a light)\n\nJERRY\nWhere?\n\nGEORGE\nRight here. (showing his lip)\n\nJERRY\nGet out of here, it's nothing. (Jerry\nknows George is hypochondriac. See 'The\nHeart Attack')\n\nGEORGE\n(to the cab driver) Excuse me, do you\nsee anything on my lip here?\n\nCABBIE\nYeah, it's like a discoloration.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, my God.\n\nCABBIE\nYeah, it's all white.\n\nGEORGE\n(to Jerry) It's all white Jerry! It's\nall white!\n\nJERRY\nWould you stop?\n\nCABBIE\nI would get that checked out if I were\nyou.\n\nGEORGE\nAgain with the checked out. I'm not\ngoing to the doctor. If I don't to the\ndoctor, then nothing will happen to\nme. If I go he might find something.\n\nJERRY\nIf you go, maybe they'll catch it in\ntime.\n\nGEORGE\nCatch what in time?\n\nJERRY\nWhatever it is.\n\nGEORGE\nYou think it's something?\n\nCABBIE\nAh! I hate these bums with their filthy\nrags. No no no, I don't want it, get\naway, get away from my car (he starts\nhis wipers)\n\nJOE DEVOLA\n(through the opened window's cab) Good\nluck on the pilot Jerry. (the cab pulls\naway)\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(NBC)\n\n(Stu and Jay are sitting. George is standing in front of them,\nasking about his lip. The Casting Director, a woman, is sitting\nacross from them on a couch. Jerry is in the back, standing and\nlooking through the window. There's a box of raisins on the coffee\ntable.)\n\nSTU\n(to George) Yeah I think I see it. It's\nlike a white discoloration.\n\nGEORGE\n(to Jay) What do you think it is?\n\nJAY\nIt's like a... white discoloration.\n(we understand now why a sitcom needs\nso many producers)\n\nCASTING DIRECTOR\nO.K. guys, are we ready to start?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, where is Russell? I thought he\nwas gonna be here.\n\n(George sits down next to Stu and Jay, and grabs a magazine and\nthe box of raisins. Jerry walks over to Goerge and sits next\nto him.)\n\nSTU\nOh you know I don't know. I saw him\nin the hall this morning, I said hello\nto him. He walked right past me.\n\nJAY\nHe must be worried about the fall schedule.\n\nSTU\nAh, it's a real bear.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. So what's going on? We're gonna\nshoot the pilot and then it's gonna\nbe on TV the following week?\n\nSTU\nYeah. Right.\n\n(the casting director enters with an actor)\n\nCASTING DIRECTOR\nThis is Mark Matts. He'll be auditioning\nfor the role of George. (the guy looks\nvery cool and casual, and has a lot\nof hair)\n\nMARK\nHey how you doing?\n\nJERRY\n(thinking) They've gotta be kidding.\n\nGEORGE\n(thinking) This guy's perfect.\n\nCASTING DIRECTOR\nO.K. Let's read this. I'll be reading\nJerry's part.\n\nMARK\nAnyone call for Vandelay Industries?\n(George is the only one in the room\nto find Mark funny)\n\nCASTING DIRECTOR\nNo. Why?\n\nMARK\nListen to me. I told the unemployment\noffice I was close to a job with Vandelay\nIndustries and I gave them your phone\nnumber. So, when you answer the phone\nnow, you've got to say: \"Vandelay Industries\".\n\nCASTING DIRECTOR\nI'm Vandelay Industries?\n\nMARK\nRight.\n\nCASTING DIRECTOR\nWhat is that?\n\nMARK\nYou're in latex.\n\nCASTING DIRECTOR\nWhat do I do with latex?\n\nMARK\nI don't know, you manufacture it.\n\n(scene cuts)\n\n(the casting director enters with another actor)\n\nCASTING DIRECTOR\nThis is Michael Barth. Another George.\n(he's in sweat pants, bald, with glasses)\n\nALL\nHi Michael. How you doing?\n\nJERRY\nEverything all right?\n\nMICHAEL\nI just came from the podiatrist. I have\na mole on my foot. I've got a little\ngangrene, they're probably gonna have\nto amputate. (everyone laugh except\nGeorge)\n\nCASTING DIRECTOR\nAny questions?\n\nMICHAEL\nYeah. What are we looking at here? Is\nthis guy like a real loser?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, not a loser!\n\nCASTING DIRECTOR\nLet's start with the second scene. You\nhave it here?\n\nMICHAEL\nA man gave me a, you know, massage.\n(everyone laugh except George)\n\nCASTING DIRECTOR\nSo?\n\nMICHAEL\nWell, he-- he had his hands, you know,\nand uh, he was, huh, ...\n\nCASTING DIRECTOR\nHe was what?\n\nMICHAEL\nHe was you know... he was touching and\nrubbing. (loud laughter)\n\nCASTING DIRECTOR\nThat's a massage.\n\nMICHAEL\nI think it moved.\n\n(scene cuts)\n\n(the casting director enters with a beautiful actress)\n\nCASTING DIRECTOR\nThis is Melissa Shannon.\n\nMELISSA\nHi.\n\nALL\nHi. How you doing.\n\nCASTING DIRECTOR\nMelissa is reading for Elaine.\n\nMELISSA\nIt's like a bald convention out there!\n(she saw George) Sorry. I, uh, made\na faux pas.\n\nJERRY\nNo you didn't. He knows he's bald.\n\nMELISSA\nSo how about that guy wearing sweat\npants? I mean did he do that for the\npart or does he walk around like that?\n(Jerry approves with a nod, George drops\nhis notepad on the coffee table)\n\nCASTING DIRECTOR\nO.K. Shall we start? (Melissa and the\ncasting director sit down)\n\nJERRY\n(getting up) Uh, you know what? I'll\nread with her.\n\nMELISSA\nOh, great.\n\n(the casting director leaves the chair to Jerry. Jerry sits in\nfront of Melissa and slides the chair very close to her)\n\nJERRY\nAlright, want to start?\n\nMELISSA\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nO.K.\n\nMELISSA\nAhem. What was that look?\n\nJERRY\nWhat look?\n\nMELISSA\nThat look you just gave me?\n\nJERRY\nI gave a look?\n\nMELISSA\nYes.\n\nGEORGE\nThank you! Thank you very much. (Jerry\nand Melissa stop and look at George)\n\nCASTING DIRECTOR\nLet's see some more Kramers.\n\n(We see many short scenes with a wide variety of fat, tall, or\nsmall actors opening the door like Kramer does. Finally enters\nTom Pepper, the guy that will get the role of Kramer)\n\nALL\nHi. How you doing?\n\nTOM\n(to Jerry and very seriously) How you\ndoing?\n\nJERRY\n(smiling and surprised at the way Tom\nis talking) Good.\n\n(scene cuts)\n\n(Tom and the casting director are into a scene)\n\nCASTING DIRECTOR\nWhat is this about?\n\nTOM\n(standing) Levels.\n\nCASTING DIRECTOR\nLevels?\n\nTOM\nYeah. I'm getting rid of all, all my\nfurniture. All of it! I'm building...\nlevels... with steps... completely carpeted...\n(making the gesture of carpeting steps)\nwith pillows. (everyone laugh. He sits\ndown) Like Ancient Egypt.\n\nCASTING DIRECTOR\nI don't know how you're gonna be comfortable\nlike that?\n\nTOM\nOh! I'll be comfortable. (laughter,\napplause. He gets up, goes to the coffee\ntable)\n\nGEORGE\nVery nice\n\nJERRY\nVery good\n\nGEORGE\nVery nice Tom, that was terrific.\n\nTOM\nMay I? (pointing the box of raisins)\n\nGEORGE\nSure. Thank you for coming in. (Tom\neats some raisins)\n\nJERRY\n(to George) It was a wonderful reading.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Really.\n\nTOM\nWell, bye.\n\nGEORGE\nTake care. Take it easy. (Tom leaves\nwith the casting director)\n\nSTU\nNow, I thought he was really good, very\nfunny.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I liked him.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat happened to the raisins?\n\nJAY\nYeah, there was a box of raisins there!\n\nGEORGE\nDid he just steal the raisins?\n\nSTU\nYou think he stole them?\n\nCASTING DIRECTOR\n(enters with the real Kramer) This is\nMartin Van Nostrand.\n\nJERRY\n(to Kramer) What are you doing here?\n\nCASTING DIRECTOR\nYou two know each other?\n\nSTU\nWait a minute, I know you. You're the\nguy from the Calvin Klein underwear\nads.\n\nKRAMER\nThat's true.\n\n(Jerry and George look at each other. They're gonna let Kramer\nhave a shot at it. Kramer unfold the script and smile at Jerry\nand George, very confident.)\n\nKRAMER\n(acting very bad) I saw Joe DiMaggio\nin Dinky Doughnuts again, but this time,\nI went in. (pause, stops acting) Oh!\nUh, where's the bathroom?\n\nSTU\nI think if you go down the hall, it's\non the right at the very end.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Be right back. (Kramer leaves)\n\n\"Sorry buddy, full house.\" We then see\nKramer outside leaving the building\nand running across the street to a restaurant:\n\"Sorry, customers only\" ...running into\na movie theater: \"Hey you need a ticket!\"\n...running through the park...)\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Monk's)\n\n(Jerry and Elaine at a booth)\n\nELAINE\nSo who's playing Elaine?\n\nJERRY\nOh, don't worry about it. Very talented,\nvery takented young actress.\n\nELAINE\nReally?\n\nJERRY\nYes.\n\nELAINE\nWho is it?\n\nJERRY\nShe's an eskimo, actually.\n\nELAINE\nOh, my God (not in the mood to be kidding)\n\nJERRY\nShe came down from Juno by sleigh, she\nwas in the Iditarod. Got to the finish\nline, just kept going. She's got the\ndogs with her in the hotel room.\n\nELAINE\nListen, was Russell at the casting?\n\nJERRY\nNo, he didn't show up.\n\nELAINE\nYou know, I'm a little bit worried about\nhim. I don't understand. We had one\ndate two months ago. Am I that charming\nand beautiful?\n\nJERRY\nNo. No you're not.\n\nELAINE\nWhy do I keep setting you up?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know.\n\nELAINE\n(to the waitress) Could we get a little\nmore? (she doesn't listen and walks\naway) Aghh... You know ever since this\nnew owner took over, the service here\nis *really* slow.\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Have you noticed anything else\nthat's different since the new management?\n\nELAINE\nMmm. They're putting a little lemon\nin the tuna. I love that.\n\nJERRY\nBeside that. Look at the waitresses.\n\nELAINE\nYeah? (we see that all the waitresses\nhave big breasts)\n\nJERRY\nWhat physical characteristic would you\nsay is common to all of them?\n\nELAINE\nAh...\n\nJERRY\nI mean look at this. Every waitress\nworking here has the same proportions.\nWouldn't you say?\n\nELAINE\nYes, I would say.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's going on here. How is that possible?\n\nELAINE\nDo you think it's a coincidence?\n\nJERRY\nNo. I haven't seen four women like this\ntogether outside of a Russ Meyer film.\n\n(the waitress finally came with the coffee)\n\nELAINE\n(to the waitress) Hi. Excuse me. Who\ndoes all the hiring waitresses here?\n\nWAITRESS\nHe does. (pointing to the manager, Mr.\nVisaki) In fact we're looking for another\ngirl if you know anyone. (she walks\naway)\n\nELAINE\nYou know what? That's discriminatory.\nThat is unfair. Why should these women\nhave all the advantages? It's not enough\nthey get all the attention from men,\nthey have to get all the waitress jobs,\ntoo?\n\nJERRY\nHey that's life. Good-looking men have\nthe same advantages. You don't see any\nhandsome homeless.\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(doctor's clinic)\n\nGEORGE\nYou see, It's right here. It's all white...\n\nDOCTOR\nOh yeah. Yeah. I've never seen this\nbefore.\n\nGEORGE\nYou've never seen this before?\n\nDOCTOR\nI'm gonna have to take a biopsy on that.\n(George grabs the doctor's arm)\n\nGEORGE\n(dramatically) A what?\n\nDOCTOR\nA biopsy.\n\nGEORGE\nA biopsy?\n\nDOCTOR\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nCancer? Is it cancer? Do I have cancer?\n\nDOCTOR\nWell I don't know what it is.\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's)\n\nGEORGE\nA biopsy!\n\nJERRY\nWhat did he say?\n\nGEORGE\nHe said he didn't know what it was.\n\nJERRY\nAlright. So?\n\nGEORGE\nWhen I asked him if it was cancer, he\ndidn't give me a \"get outta here\". That's\nwhat I wanted to hear: \"Cancer? Get\noutta here?\"\n\nJERRY\nWell, maybe he doesn't have a \"get outta\nhere\" kind of personality.\n\nGEORGE\nHow could you be a doctor and not say\n\"get outta here\"? It should be part\nof the training at medical school: \"Cancer?\nGet outta here!\" \"Go home! What are\nyou crazy? It's a little test. It's\nnothing. You're a real nut. You know\nthat?\" (Jerry gives him half of his\nsandwich to hopefully shut him up) I\ntold you that God would never let me\nbe successful. I never should've written\nthat pilot. Now the show will be a big\nhit, we'll make millions of dollars,\nand I'll be dead. Dead Jerry. Because\nof this. (showing his lip)\n\nJERRY\nCan't you at least die with a little\ndignity?\n\nGEORGE\nNo I can't. I can't die with dignity.\nI have no dignity. I want to be the\none person who doesn't die with dignity.\nI live my whole life in shame. Why should\nI die with dignity?\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nJERRY\nHey. What happened to you yesterday?\n\nKRAMER\nI got mugged.\n\nGEORGE\nYou got mugged?\n\nJERRY\nMugged?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I wouldn't have minded it so much\nbut I was running home to go to the\nbathroom.\n\nJERRY\nWhy didn't you use the bathroom in the\nbuilding?\n\nKRAMER\nIt was full. I tried a few other places,\nyou know, but that didn't work. I mean\nit was an emergency Jerrry. I was really\npercolating... So I decided to run home\nthrough the park and then these two\nguys they stopped me and...\n\n(door buzzer)\n\nJERRY\nYeah?\n\nELAINE\nIt's me.\n\nJERRY\nCome on up.\n\nKRAMER\nBut now I have a big problem, buddy.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is it?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I waited so long I-- I missed\nmy chance.\n\nJERRY\nYou didn't go?\n\nKRAMER\nNo. And now I can't get it back.\n\n(George gives back the sandwich to Jerry and goes to the bathroom)\n\nKRAMER\nHow could you not think about it?\n\n(Elaine enters)\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\n(mumbles and leaves)\n\nELAINE\nWhat's the matter with him?\n\nJERRY\nHe's a little backed up.\n\nELAINE\nOh...\n\n(George gets back from the bathroom and takes back the sandwich\nfrom Jerry's hand and sit on the couch.)\n\nGEORGE\nElaine.\n\nELAINE\nSo I spoke to some of my sisters about\nthat coffee shop.\n\nJERRY\nOh, the sisters (he sits at the table)\n\n(Elaine goes into Jerry' bedroom)\n\nGEORGE\n(to Jerry) Have you seen the waitresses\nin there lately? I never had so much\ncoffee in my life.\n\nELAINE\nSo we decided I should go over there\nand apply for a job myself.\n\nGEORGE\nApply for a job? What for?\n\nELAINE\nBecause, it's discriminatory (she comes\nback wearing one of Jerry's shirt, untucked)\n\nGEORGE\nIt's a coincidence.\n\nJERRY\nThis is what you gonna wear?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nYou're not gonna get the job.\n\nELAINE\nExactly.\n\n(phone rings, Jerry gets up and answers, Elaine sits on the couch's\narm next to George and takes a bite of his sandwich)\n\nJERRY\n(to the phone) Hello. Oh, hi. Yeah I\nguess we could do that. At what time?\nAll right. I'll see you there. O.K.,\nbye. (hangs up)\n\nELAINE\nWho was it?\n\nJERRY\nTV Elaine. She wants to get together\nand talk about the part.\n\nELAINE\nWhat about the dogs?\n\nJERRY\nThey're having sex in the hotel room.\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Peter McManus cafe, same table as earlier)\n\nSandi Robbins)\n\nSANDI\nSo, the Elaine character is based on\nsomeone you know.\n\nJERRY\nYes.\n\nSANDI\nAnd she's really your ex-girlfriend?\n\nJERRY\nUh, Huh, yeah.\n\nSANDI\nI want to get to know her from the inside.\nWhat is she like? Tell me about her.\n\nJERRY\nWell, she's fascinated with Greenland.\nShe enjoys teasing animals, banlon,\nand seeing people running for their\nlives. She loves throwing garbage out\nthe window, yet she's extremely dainty.\n\nSANDI\nHow would she eat a hamburger?\n\nJERRY\nWith her hands.\n\nSANDI\nWhat about pasta?\n\nJERRY\nAlso with her hands.\n\nSANDI\nSeriously... I want to experience everything\nshe's experienced.\n\nJERRY\nEverything?\n\nSANDI\nEverything.\n\nJERRY\nAll right she cuts her pasta with a\nknife.\n\nSANDI\nThat's good. What's her favorite movie?\n\nJERRY\nShaft.\n\nSANDI\nYou got to get me a picture. What about\nsex?\n\nJERRY\nShe likes talking during sex.\n\nSANDI\nOh... dirty talking?\n\nJERRY\nNo. Just chitchat, movies, current events,\nregular stuff. You know Sandi-- (looking\nat his watch)\n\nSANDI\nElaine.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nSANDI\nCall me Elaine.\n\nJERRY\nAll right. Elaine.\n\nSANDI\nHow does Elaine kiss?\n\nJERRY\nWell--\n\nSANDI\nDoes she kiss... like this? (she kisses\nJerry)\n\nJERRY\nActually she has a thing where she spirals\nher tongue around, it's like--\n\nSANDI\nLike this? (kisses again but with the\nspiral)\n\nJERRY\nI think you got it.\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Monk's)\n\n(Kramer and Tom at a the booth behind the cashier)\n\nTOM\nI'll have a hamburger. That's it.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, that's good. Oh, now I like to\nplay golf.\n\nTOM\nThis stuff doesn't matter to me. See,\nI'm gonna do the character like me,\nnot like you.\n\nKRAMER\nYou gotta play him like me. I'm Karmer.\n\nTOM\nI'm Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nWhoa, I'm Kramer.\n\n(scene cuts to Elaine who enters and walks to the manager)\n\nMR. VISAKI\n(foreign accent) What can I do for you?\nWould you like a table.\n\nELAINE\nNo, I'd like to apply for a waitress\njob.\n\nMR. VISAKI\n(looks Elaine up and down) Have you\never waited on tables before.\n\nELAINE\nOh yeah. I've been a professional waitress\nfor the last 10 years. I've worked all\nover the city. These, uh, are my references.\nI'm sure you'll find that I'm more than\nqualified.\n\nMR. VISAKI\nI don't think I need anyone else right\nnow.\n\nELAINE\nYou're in big trouble mister. And I\nmean trouble with a capital 'T'. (she\nleaves)\n\nMR. VISAKI\nWhat? What did I do?\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission Office)\n\nELAINE\nAnyway there's at least four of them,\nand they're all huge. And one is bigger\nthan the next. It's like a Russ Meyer\nmovie.\n\nFRED\nWho's Russ Meyer?\n\nELAINE\nOh, he's this guy who made these terrible\nmovies in the 70's with these kinds\nof women. He's obsessed. He's obsessed\nwith breasts. That's hard to say.\n\nFRED\nAnyway, go on.\n\nELAINE\nUm... Well, there's not really much\nmore to tell. He was looking for waitresses,\nand I went in to apply for the job.\nAnd, he looked me up and down and he\nrejected me.\n\nFRED\n(to a guy in the hall at the water cooler\nmachine) Paul. Come in for a second.\nI want you to listen to this.\n\nPAUL\n(to Elaine) Hi.\n\nELAINE\nHi.\n\nFRED\nPaul, woman here claims there's a restaurant\non the West side that's only hiring\nlarge-breasted women.\n\nPAUL\n(to Elaine) Really?\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Pilot-Part-2.html",
    "text": "THE PILOT PART 2\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David\n\n(NBC, pilot's set)\n\n(Jerry, Tom, and Michael are at the counter, rehearsing. George\nis standing and watching them next to another guy. Rita, Jay,\nStu and Russell are sitting in the crowd's bleachers)\n\nTOM\nWhat do you mean made up?\n\nJERRY\nIt's made up. Haagen-Dazs is made up.\nIt's not Danish.\n\nTOM\nYou're crazy.\n\nJERRY\nNo I'm not. (to Michael) George. Is\nHaagen-Dazs Danish?\n\nMICHAEL\nWhat do you mean Danish?\n\nGEORGE\n(to the guy next to him) This guy stinks.\n(speaking of Michael)\n\nJERRY\nDanish. Is it from Denmark?\n\nMICHAEL\nNo, they make it in New Jersey. It's\njust a Danishy name.\n\nTOM\nI can't believe that. They fooled *me*\nJerry.\n\nRITA\n(to Jay) Boy, talk about a show about\nnothing. (Jay, the integral producer,\nsmiles stupidly)\n\nGEORGE\nUh, excuse me. (stopping them from rehearsing)\nExcuse me. (he walks to the guy's in\ncharge of yelling: \"take #!\") This--This\nis not right. May I? (the guy looks\nat George with a bothered face. George\nthen walks up to Tom and takes him away\nfrom Jerry and Michael to talk to him\nin private)(to Tom) You see, you're\ngoing: \"They fooled *me* Jerry!\" (George\nshakes his head with disapproval) You\nwanna hit 'fooled' more: \"They *fooled*\nme Jerry!\". You see the difference?\n\nTOM\nI'm not gonna say it like that.\n\nGEORGE\nJust a suggestion. (chuckles and walks\nback to the yelling guy)\n\nYELLING GUY\n(with the same bothered face and while\nhe's looking at George) All right everybody,\ntake a five.\n\nGEORGE\n(very casual and raising his hand in\nthe air) Yep. That's five!\n\nJERRY\nGeorge? (walks away to talk privately.\nGeorge, still casual, taps on Jerry's\nshoulder) I don't have a lot of experience\nwith this acting stuff. But from what\nI can gather, they're a little touchy\nabout being told how to say the lines.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy is that?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, but they don't seem to\nlike it. By the way how am I doing?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, you're fine... you're fine. (looking\nat Tom in the back and then quieter\nto Jerry) So you think this guy playing\nKramer took the raisins?\n\nJERRY\nWhy would he steal a box of raisins?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, it's bizarre. (they both look\naround them suspiciously)\n\n(scene cuts to the bleachers with the producers)\n\nRITA\n(to Jay about Russell) What's with him?\n(to Russell) Russell? (louder) Russell?\n\nRUSSELL\nWhat?\n\nRITA\nYou O.K.?\n\nRUSSELL\nYeah. No, uh, I was just thinking of\nsomething. I'll be back in a second.\n(he gets up and leaves)\n\n(scene cuts to Jerry sitting next to Sandi. They're both going\nthrough their copy of the script)\n\nSANDI\nWhat's the matter?\n\nJERRY\nNothing.\n\nSANDI\nYou're acting weird. Is anything wrong?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nSANDI\nAre you breaking up with me?\n\nJERRY\nAre we going out?\n\nSANDI\nYou're breaking up with me, aren't you?\n(almost crying)\n\nJERRY\nDo you want me to break up with you?\n\nSANDI\nIf that's what you want.\n\nJERRY\nI don't even know what you're talking\nabout.\n\nSANDI\nFine. Break up with me.\n\nJERRY\nAll right. We're broken up.\n\nSANDI\n(little pause) Can we still be friends?\n(Jerry raises his head, staring ahead\nand wondering what's going on)\n\n(scene cuts to George and Tom standing, backstage)\n\nGEORGE\nRemember when you came to audition for\nus?\n\nTOM\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nThere was a box of raisins on the coffee\ntable. Did you, by any chance, take\nthem with you when left?\n\nTOM\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nGEORGE\nWell we were all eating the raisins.\nAnd I remember you--you were eating\nsome of the raisins. And then you left,\nand the raisins were gone. And I was\njust wondering if, you know (chuckles),\nmaybe you took them with you.\n\nTOM\nAre you accusing me of stealing the\nraisins?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, no, no--\n\nTOM\n(angry) Why would I steal a box of raisins!?\n\nGEORGE\nNo you wouldn't. Nobody would. It's\njust that... they were missing, and...\nwell I'm just inquiring. (chuckles nervously)\n\nTOM\nLet me give you a word of advice. O.K.?\nI want you to stay away from me. I don't\nwanna talk to you, and I don't wanna\nhear anymore of your stupid little notes\nand suggestions. I don't like you. So\nif you got any other problems whether\nit's raisins, prunes, figs, or any other\ndried fruit, just keep it to yourself\nand stay out of my way, O.K.?\n\nGEORGE\nMm-hmm. Mm-hmm. All right. I don't think\nwe're gonna have any problem with that.\n(chuckles nervously) Good talking to\nyou Tom. Really.\n\n(scene cuts to Russell, still on the set, but on the phone with\nElaine)\n\nRUSSELL\n(nervously, almost desperately) Elaine.\nElaine. What do you want? What can I\ndo? Is it my job? Is that what it is?\nElaine I can't go on like this. Will\nyou call me? Would you call me? Well,\nwhy? All right. May I call you? Elaine?\nElaine? (she hung up. An employee walks\nby, bumps into Russell and spills coffee\naccidentally on him)\n\nDAVID\nExcuse me Mr. Dalrimple. I am so sorry.\n\nRUSSELL\nAll right. All right. What's your name?\n\nDAVID\nDavid Richardson.\n\nRUSSELL\nGet out! You're fired!\n\nDAVID\nBut Mr. Dalrimple--\n\nRUSSELL\nDon't talk back to me. Didn't you hear\nwhat I say? Get out! You want me to\ncall the cops? I make and break little\nworms like you every day. Do you know\nhow much money I make? Do you have any\nidea! Do you know where I live? I can\nhave any woman in this city that I want.\nAny one. Now, GET OUT! (David leaves.\nEveryone on the set is looking at Russell)\nWhat are you all looking at? Go back\nto work! BACK! NOW! (they do, Russell\nleaves)\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's)\n\nGEORGE\nThe doc called and said the lab's backed\nup and now I'm not gonna get the results\nfor another two days.\n\nJERRY\nAh! You're fine. There's nothing wrong\nwith you. I'm the one who's dying.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat do you mean?\n\nJERRY\nBecause I can't act! I stink! I don't\nwhat I'm doing!\n\nGEORGE\nCome on you're... uh... you're fine.\n\nJERRY\nThis show's gonna ruin my entire career.\nI don't know how I got involved in this.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about me? I was a total failure.\nEverything was fine. Now this thing's\ngonna be a success and God's gonna give\nme a terminal disease.\n\nJERRY\nThis actress playing Elaine, she's out\nof her mind.\n\nGEORGE\nThe guy playing Kramer threatened me.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nGEORGE\n'cause I asked him about the raisins.\n\nJERRY\nYou mentioned the raisins.\n\nGEORGE\nOh yeah.\n\nJERRY\nDid he take 'em?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know.\n\nJERRY\nWell if he didn't take 'em, what happened\nto 'em?\n\nGEORGE\nThat's what I'm trying to find out.\n\n(Kramer enters slowly and carefully)\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nAny luck?\n\nKRAMER\nNo. No, nothing. I got no... peristalsis.\n\nJERRY\nWhat about bran?\n\nJERRY\nWell my friend, (Jerry puts his hand\non Kramer's shoulder) it may be time\nto consider the dreaded apparatus.\n\nKRAMER\nPfft! Hold it right there. If you're\nsuggesting what I think you're suggesting,\nyou're wasting your time. I am not Jerry,\nunder any circumstances, doing any inserting\nin that area.\n\nJERRY\nOh, it's not that bad!\n\nGEORGE\nYes it is.\n\n(Elaine enters)\n\nELAINE\nWell it's all taken care of. I filed\na report. An investigation is underway.\n\nJERRY\n(to Elaine) So, you going to the taping\ntomorrow night?\n\nELAINE\nNo. I don't think I should go. I really\ndon't wanna bump into Russell. He called\nme the other day. He won't quit.\n\nJERRY\nOh, come on you gotta go! He's harmless.\nHe's got a little crush on you.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, this is not a crush. This is\na complete fixation. he makes me very\nuncomfortable.\n\nJERRY\nWe need you there!\n\nELAINE\n(to Kramer) Hey are you gonna go?\n\nKRAMER\nNo. No. I'm gonna stay home. I want\nto be close to my home base in case\nthere's any news from the front. (he\nleaves)\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(NBC, pilot's set, the taping)\n\nThe taping is about to begin.\n\nPeople are walking into the studio.\n\nJerry is getting a makeup.\n\nMichael walks around backstage, he seems nervous and agitated.\n\nRita, Stu and Jay are sitting in the crowd. Russell is missing.\n\nGeorge looks at his lip in a mirror.\n\nTom is sitting in his dressing room, eating the raisins.\n\nElaine walks into the studio, wearing and adjusting a blonde\nshort-haired wig, and also wearing bold glsasses.\n\nScene cuts to the drugstore where Kramer is buying the dreaded\napparatus.\n\nSandi, sitting next to Jerry who's still getting a makeup, is\nhaving her hair done.\n\nSANDI\n(to her hairdresser) No! Pick it up\nmore in the front! It's got to be higher!\nHigher! Make a wall! A wall!\n\nASSISTANT DRESSER\nSandi, are you in wardrobe? Sandi?\n\nJERRY\nTry Elaine.\n\nASSISTANT DRESSER\nElaine?\n\nSANDI\nYes?\n\n(scene cuts to the crowd. Elaine is sitting in the front with\nher disguise, and a guy behind her taps on her shoulder)\n\nWILTON\nElaine? It's me-- Wilton Marshall. Remember?\nCamp Tioga-- 1978? Remember?\n\nELAINE\nOh, right.\n\nWILTON\nWow! You know you haven't changed a\nbit.\n\n(scene cuts to Michael, backstage, still walking around nervously.\nHe sees Jerry and runs to him)\n\nMICHAEL\nI can't remember my lines!!!\n\nJERRY\nJust relax, you'll be fine.\n\nMICHAEL\nI can't relax. I don't know what line!\nI don't know any of 'em!\n\nJERRY\nYou're just like George. George'd do\nthe same thing. You're just like him.\nIt's amazing!\n\nMICHAEL\nHelp me Jerry! Help me!\n\n(scene cuts to the producers in the crowd)\n\nRITA\n(to Stu) Where is Russell?\n\nSTU\nYou know I don't know. I thought he\nwas coming. I assumed he wouldn't miss\nit.\n\nJAY\nHe hasn't been well.\n\nSTU\n(to Rita) Can I tell you something in\nconfidence? I think it's a woman.\n\nRITA\nHow pathetic.\n\n(scene cuts to George on the same phone as Russell earlier)\n\nGEORGE\nThis is George Costanza, I'm calling\nfor my test results. Negative? Oh, my\nGod. WHY! WHY! WHY? What? What? Negative\nis good? Oh, yes of course! How stupid\nof me. Thank you. Thank you very much.\n(he hangs up)\n\n(scene cuts to the crowd and we see Joe Devola is there)\n\n(scene cuts to Kramer entering his apartment with the dreaded\napparatus)\n\n(scene cuts to George, happy, eating and double-dipping chips.\nTom is staring at him, George notices him, and aborts a double-dip)\n\nGEORGE\n(he walks casually to Tom, and taps\nhis arm) Listen. I know we've had our\nproblems in the past, but we got a show\nto do tonight. Time to pull together\nas a team. Life's too short. I say,\nlet's let bygones be bygones. If you\ntook the raisins, if you didn't take\nthe raisins-- They weren't even my raisins.\nI was just curious because it seems\nlike a strange to do to walk into a\nroom, audition, and to walk out with\na box of raisins. Anyway, whatever.\nIf you ever want to tell me about it,\nthe door to my office is always opened.\nIn the event that I get an office. You'll\ncome in, we'll talk about the raisins.\nWe'll have a nice laugh.\n\nTOM\nHow would you like it if I just pulled\nyour heart out of your chest right now,\nand shoved it down your throat?\n\n(scene cuts to the presentor, Pat Hazell, talking to the crowd)\n\nPAT HAZELL\nAre you ready to meet our cast? (crowd\napplause) All right.\n\n(scene cuts to Kramer holding and staring at the dreaded apparatus,\nthen closing his bathroom's door.)\n\n(scene cuts to Jerry, holding a microphone and talking to the\ncrowd)\n\nJERRY\nGood evening, folks. How you doing?\n(small reaction from the crowd) Well,\nyou sound like a great crowd. We have\na show we're gonna put on for you tonight.\nIt's a new TV show. It's what they call\na pilot. And we hope it becomes a series.\nIt's called 'Jerry', and I'm playing\nJerry--\n\nJOE DEVOLA\n(getting up then shouting) SIC SEMPER\nTYRANNIS! (he jumps over a balcony and\non the stage. The crowd is yelling)\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's)\n\nGEORGE\nSic semper tyrannis? What is that, Latin?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, it's what John Wilkes Booth yelled\nout when he shot Lincoln.\n\nGEORGE\nReally? What does it mean?\n\nJERRY\nIt means: \"Death to tyrants\".\n\nGEORGE\nI can see that.\n\n(Elaine enters)\n\nELAINE\nSee, now this is exciting! This is exciting!\nDid I miss anything already?\n\nJERRY\nNo, it starts in five minutes. You were\nthere at the taping, what's the big\ndeal?\n\nELAINE\nNah, now it's on TV. It's different.\nI told everybody I know to watch it.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, me too.\n\nJERRY\nHey, what about Russell? Did you hear\nfrom him?\n\nELAINE\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nStrange. Even not showing up at the\ntaping...\n\n(Kramer enters, singing and dancing)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, pistol-packin mama, you swing that\ngal around, Allemande left with the\nold gray hag, around and around you\ngo. Yee-ha!!\n\nJERRY\nWell, well, well.\n\nELAINE\nCongratulations.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, thank you.\n\nGEORGE\nYou went for the big \"E\".\n\nKRAMER\nWet and wild.\n\nJERRY\nAll right. Come on sit down. It's about\nto start.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yes.\n\n(Elaine finds something under the couch cushions)\n\nELAINE\nHey, what's this? Look. A wallet.\n\nJERRY\nA wallet? Let me see that.\n\nELAINE\nHere.\n\nJERRY\nAh, man! It's my father's wallet! The\none he thought they stole at the doctor's\noffice that time.\n\nGEORGE\nShh! This is it!\n\nJERRY\nHow do you like that?\n\n(Jerry's) Jerry's apartment with Elaine, George and Kramer watching\nthe pilot.\n\n(TV) The pilot\n\n(Viewers) Characters from the season 4, watching TV in their\nhome and commenting on the pilot.)\n\n===(TV)===\n\n\"I get into a car accident. The guy that hit me doesn't have\nany insurance. So the judge sentences him to be my butler. Sounds\nlike a sitcom, doesn't it?\"\n\n===(Jerry's)===\n\n(they all applause as the intro ends)\n\nELAINE\nBravo!\n\n(Kramer taps George on the shoulder)\n\nGEORGE\nYou hurt me.\n\n===(TV)===\n\n(Jerry's apartment, Michael knocks and enters)\n\nMICHAEL\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey George.\n\nMICHAEL\nNew sneakers?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nMICHAEL\nWhat do you need new sneakers for?\n\nJERRY\nI like sneakers.\n\nMICHAEL\nHow do you make a decision which one\nto wear? I'd go crazy if I have to decide\nwhich sneakers to wear every day.\n\nJERRY\nNah, you're crazy anyway.\n\n===(Viewers)====\n\n*\n\n(Susan and Allison from 'The Smelly Car'. They're eating popcorn,\nsitting on a couch)\n\nSUSAN AND ALLSION\n(to each other while they recognize\none of George's behaviors in Michael)\nGeorge!\n\n*\n\n(Sid and the housekeeper from 'The Old Man')\n\nSID\nWhat kind of stupid show is this? Hey!\nIt's that idiot that took all my records!\n(the houskeeper starts laughing)\n\n*\n\n(John-John and Marla the virgin from 'The Contest'. Marla is\nunder the bed sheets while John-John is sitting at the end of\nthe bed, with the TV remote in his hands)\n\nMARLA\nJohn, what are you doing? Come back\nto bed.\n\nJOHN\n(with a Boston accent) This show looks\ninteresting. Isn't he that Seinfeld\nfellow you went out with?\n\nMARLA\nOoh, he's horrible! Horrible!\n\nJOHN\nNevertheless...\n\n*\n\n(The Drake, who went back with the Drakette, Allison, from 'The\nHandicap Spot'. They watch the pilot on a tiny mini-TV with a\ntiny antenna)\n\nTHE DRAKE\nAh, that Jerry's a funny guy. Huh? Got\nto love the Sein!\n\nALLSION\nHate the Sein! (while she adjusts the\ntiny antenna)\n\n*\n\n(Ping and Cheryl from 'The Visa'. They talk in Chinese and we\nsee sub-titles in English)\n\nPING\nI can't believe you liked him.\n\nCHERYL\nI thought he was dark and disturbed.\n\nPING\nReal perceptive.\n\n*\n\n(Donald and his parents from 'The Bubble boy'. We see his arm\ncoming off the bubble, between his parents. He doesn't have the\nTV remote anymore. His parents are laughing)\n\nDONALD\nThis is a piece of crap!\n\nMOTHER\nDonald, you used to like him.\n\nDONALD\nWhat a sellout! Give me that remote!\n\nMEL\nNo, Donald.\n\n(he grabs the remote from his father's hand and the three of\nthem start to fight)\n\n===(Jerry's)===\n\n(Jerry is getting a soda from the refrigerator)\n\nKRAMER\nCome on Jerry, the commercials almost\nover.\n\nJERRY\nAll right.\n\nELAINE\nYou know Jerry I really like this guy\nwho's playing the butler.\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah. He's good. You know he's John\nRitter's cousin.\n\nELAINE\nReally?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\n===(TV)===\n\n(doorbell, Jerry opens the door, it's the butler, Charles)\n\nJERRY\nHello, Charles.\n\nCHARLES\nHello. So, where do you want me to start\ntoday?\n\nJERRY\nWhy don't you start in the bedroom?\n\nCHARLES\n(to himself, upset) Start in the bedroom...\n\n(Tom enters)\n\nTOM\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey. The butler's here.\n\nTOM\nHe is? Listen. When he's finished, send\nhim over to my house.\n\nJERRY\nI'm not sending him to your house.\n\nTOM\nWhy not?\n\nJERRY\nBecause the judge decreed he'd become\nmy butler, not my friend's butler.\n\nTOM\nJerry, he is your butler. You can give\nhim any order you want. That's what\nbutlers do.\n\nJERRY\nBut I don't want to.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, my house is a pigsty, come on.\n\n(buzzer, Jerry presses the button)\n\nJERRY\nYeah?\n\nSANDI\n(from the buzzer's speaker) It's Elaine.\n\nJERRY\nCome on up.\n\n(The butler comes back from the bedroom with a can of Pledge)\n\nCHARLES\nI need more Pledge.\n\nJERRY\nMore Pledge! I just bought two cans\nlast week and I don't even have any\nwood in the house!\n\nCHARLES\nWell, it goes fast.\n\n(Sandi enters)\n\nSANDI\n(to Charles, very friendly) Hello.\n\nCHARLES\nHello. (he goes back in the bedroom)\n\nJERRY\nWhat's all this about?\n\nSANDI\nWe had a date.\n\nJERRY\nYou had a date? You went out with my\nbutler? Who said you could go out with\nmy butler?\n\nSANDI\nWhy do I need your permission?\n\nJERRY\nBecause he's my butler!\n\n===(Viewers)===\n\n*\n\n(Morty and Helen laughing)\n\nMORTY\nThat's terrific!\n\nHELEN\nHow could anyone not like him?\n\n*\n\n(Calvin Klein with Tia from 'The Pick')\n\nC.K.\nI like his style. He has a sort of casual\nelegance.\n\nTIA\nBut he picks his nose.\n\nC.K.\nNevertheless...\n\n*\n\n(Sal Bass and Sidra from 'The Implant')\n\nSAL BASS\nHe's a member of our health club. Isn't\nhe?\n\nSIDRA\nYeah...\n\nSAL BASS\nYou know that Kim Novak has some big\nbreasts?\n\n*\n\n(Newman sleeping and snoring in his chair while a baseball game\nis on TV)\n\n(TV)\n\n(final monologue at the comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nEver notice a lot of butlers are named\nJeeves?\n\n(quick shot at (Jerry's) they all watch)\n\nJERRY\nYou know I think when you name a baby\nJeeves, you've pretty much mapped out\nhis future, wouldn't you say? Not much\nchance is gonna be a hitman I think\nafter that. (with a British accent)\n\"Terribly sorry Sir, but I'm going to\nhave to whack you\".\n\n(end of the pilot and of the three different settings)\n\n(back to Jerry's)\n\nALL\n(applauding and shaking hands) Wooh!\nYeah!\n\nELAINE\nWow! That was great! That show was so\nfunny. It was really funny. I'm not\njust saying that cause I know you. Honestly.\n\nJERRY\nLet's go out and celebrate! (they all\nget up)\n\nELAINE\nThat was so good.\n\nJERRY\nCome on let's eat something. (phone\nrings)\n\nELAINE\nYou know what I think this thing is\ngonna get picked up George. You guys\nare gonna be rich!\n\nGEORGE\nDo you really think so?\n\nELAINE\nOh yeah.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd God didn't kill me.\n\nJERRY\n(to the phone) Hello?\n\nRITA\nHi Jerry, this is Rita Kierson.\n\nJERRY\nOh, hi Rita.\n\nRITA\nI'm calling to let you know that Russell\nDalrimple is no longer with this network.\n\nJERRY\nOh, my God. Did he get fired?\n\nRITA\nTo be honest with you. Nobody really\nknows. He seems to have disappeared.\n\nJERRY\nRussell's disappeared?\n\nRITA\nIn any event, I've been made the new\npresident of NBC. As you may or may\nnot know, Russell and I did not see\neye to eye on many, many projects. And\nas my first order of business, I'm,\nuh, passing on your show.\n\nJERRY\nYou're passing already? But the show\njust ended two minutes ago!\n\nRITA\nWell, I just got the job. Goodbye, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, see ya. (he hangs up)\n\n(Jerry and George stare at Elaine)\n\nELAINE\nWhat-- What are you looking at me for?\n\nGEORGE\nIt was you!\n\nELAINE\nWhat did I do?\n\nJERRY\nDo you realize his obsession with you\ncost us a TV series?\n\nELAINE\nI didn't know that he'd fall for me\nand I'd drive him insane. I mean, you\nknow, that's not my fault.\n\nGEORGE\nYes it is! You're very charming!\n\nELAINE\nI can't believe this? What happened\nto him? Where the hell is he?\n\nJERRY\nNo one knows.\n\n(scnen ends)\n\n(Greenpeace raft on the ocean, following a whaler)\n\n(Russell with two other guys in the Greenpeace boat)\n\nRUSSELL\nShe works for Pendant Publishing. She's\nthe most beautiful woman I've ever seen.\nYou know, I used to work for NBC, but\nwhen I go back to her this time, she'll\nrespect me.\n\nMAN ON RAFT\nYou'd better get down. They might start\nfiring soon. (harpoon fires)\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Monk's)\n\n(The restaurant is full of men, some of them standing and waiting\nfor a table. Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer enters)\n\nJERRY\nHey look at this. What is going on here?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, well, well.\n\nELAINE\nNothing has changed. How did this happen?\n(she sees the two guys of the Equal\nEmployment Opportunity Commission at\na table) Ah, these are the two guys\nI talked to at the Equal Employment\nOpportunity Commission. Hey! What are\nyou two guys doing here? I thought you\nwere gonna do something about this.\nNow you're eating here?\n\nFRED\nOh no. That's why we're here. We're\nchecking things out.\n\nPAUL\nYeah, we're checking it out.\n\nELAINE\n(to Paul) You're checking it out?\n\n(a man is leaving the restaurant and walks by Fred and Paul's\ntable)\n\nMAN\n(to Fred and Paul) See you back at the\noffice, guys.\n\nMR. VISAKI\nFred, Paul, lunch and dinner? Boy, you\nguys ought to move in. How about a piece\nof pie on me? Sophia! Take care of these\nfellows.\n\nELAINE\n(to the manager) Hey! Come here a second.\nI want you to know something. You are\nnot gonna get away with this!\n\nMR. VISAKI\nGet away with what?\n\nELAINE\nAh, \"with what?\" You know what. With\nthe waitresses. How they're all... alike.\n\nMR. VISAKI\nOf course they're alike. They're my\ndaughters.\n\n(they all show smiles of surprise)\n\nELAINE\n(embarrassed, but smiling) Oh, your\ndaughters.\n\nGEORGE\nYou must be very proud Mr. Visaki. (shaking\nhis hand) And may I say sir they're\nlovely girls, absolutely lovely girls.\nIt's nice to see such fine upstanding\nwomen in gainful employment, Mr. Visaki.\n\nMR. VISAKI\nOh, here's a table for you.\n\nGEORGE\nA table right here.\n\nMR. VISAKI\nPeggy!\n\nGEORGE\nPeggy! (they all sit) His daughter Peggy.\nPeggy's coming over to serve.\n\nJERRY\nWhat a family!\n\nMR. VISAKI\nMy daughter Peggy.\n\nGEORGE\nAh! Peggy. Good to see you.\n\nELAINE\nHi Peggy.\n\nGEORGE\nThank you very much. (Peggy leaves the\nmenus and walks away) So guess what\nI got do tomorrow?\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nStart looking for a job.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know what you ought to do George?\nYou should work for Greenpeace. You\nthose people they attack the whalers\nout on the open sea.\n\nGEORGE\nAre you crazy? You take your life in\nyour hands with those nuts.\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Greenpeace raft)\n\n(Russell fell off the boat but still hangs on to a rope. The\nother man, still in the boat is screaming to him and holds the\nrope.)\n\nMAN\nKeep fighting matey! Get your head above\nthe water! I've got you matey! I've\ngot you! Matey! (he loses the rope)\nI'll remember her name! Elaine Benes!\nI'll write to her. I'll tell her all\nabout you and what you did out here!\nGoodbye, matey! Goddbye!\n\n(we see the script of the pilot 'Jerry' floating on the ocean)\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Mango.html",
    "text": "THE MANGO\n\nWritten by\n\nBuck Dancer & Lawrence H. Levy\n\n(nightclub)\n\nJERRY\nA female orgasm is kinda like the bat\ncave. A very few people know where it\nis and if you're lucky enough to see\nit you probably don't know how you got\nthere and you can't find you way back\nafter you left.\n\n(Monk's)\n\nJERRY\nSo, what's her name?\n\nGEORGE\nKarin.\n\nJERRY\nIs she nice?\n\nGEORGE\nGreat.\n\nJERRY\nSo you like her?\n\nGEORGE\nI think so.\n\nJERRY\nYou don't know?\n\nGEORGE\nI can't tell anymore.\n\nJERRY\nWell do you feel anything?\n\nGEORGE\nFeel? What's that?\n\nJERRY\nAll right, let me ask you this: when\nshe comes over, you're cleaning up a\nlot?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nYou're just straightening up or you're\ncleaning?\n\nGEORGE\nCleaning\n\nJERRY\nYou do the tub?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nOn your knees, Ajax, scrubbing, the\nwhole deal?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nOkay, I think you're in love!\n\nGEORGE\nTub is love?\n\nJERRY\nTub is love. So there you are. You've\ngot a nice girl and a clean apartment.\n\nGEORGE\nYep. There's one little problem.\n\nJERRY\nSexual?\n\nGEORGE\nYeeeaaah. Well..... I've never really\nfeld confident in..... one particular\naspect.\n\nJERRY\nBelow the equator?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nNobody does. You know, nobody knows\nwhat to do. You just close your eyes\nand you hope for the best. I really\nthink they're happy if you just make\nan effort.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know. Last time I got the tap.\n\nJERRY\nYou got the tap?\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, you're going along, you think\neverything's all right and all of a\nsudden you get that tap. (George taps\nhis own shoulder). You know it's like\npfffff (whistling sound), all right\nthat's enough, you're through.\n\nJERRY\nThe tap is tough.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's like the manager coming out and\nasking you for the ball.\n\nJERRY\nWell maybe she just wanted to move on\nto other business.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no, this wasn't moving on. I got\nthe hook. I wish I could get a lesson\nin that.\n\nJERRY\nIt's a very complicated area.\n\nGEORGE\nYou can go crazy trying to figure that\nplace out.\n\nJERRY\nIt's a haaazy mystery.\n\nGEORGE\nAnyway, I think everything else is okay.\nUnless of course she's faking.\n\n(Elaine joins them)\n\nELAINE\nWho's faking?\n\nGEORGE\nNothing.\n\nELAINE\nFaking what?\n\nGEORGE\nNobody's faking.\n\nELAINE\nAh! Orgasm?\n\nGEORGE\nShe's not faking!\n\nELAINE\nHow do you know?\n\nGEORGE\nI know. I can tell. It's one of my powers.\nWhy, did you ever fake?\n\nELAINE\nOf course.\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\nGEORGE\nYou faked?\n\nELAINE\nOn occasion.\n\nJERRY\nAnd the guy never knows?\n\nELAINE\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nHow can he not know that?\n\nELAINE\nBecause I was gooood.\n\nJERRY\nI guess after that many beers he's probably\na little groggy anyway.\n\n(Jerry and George laugh)\n\nELAINE\nYou didn't know.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nYou didn't know.\n\nJERRY\nAre you saying...\n\n(George calls a waitress)\n\nGEORGE\nI think I'll have a piece of cake.\n\nJERRY\nWith me?\n\nELAINE\nWell...\n\nJERRY\nYou faked with me?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nYou faked with me?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nYou faked it?\n\nELAINE\nI faked it.\n\nJERRY\nThat whole thing, the whole production,\nit was all an act?\n\nELAINE\nNot bad huh?\n\nJERRY\nWhat about the breathing, the panting,\nthe moaning, the screaming?\n\nELAINE\nFake, fake, fake, fake.\n\nJERRY\nI'm stunned, I'm shocked! How many times\ndid you do this?\n\nELAINE\nUuuhm, all the time.\n\nJERRY\nAll the time?!\n\nGEORGE\nWe got a chocolate malt in here!\n\nJERRY\nBut I'm so good.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm sure you are.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, listen, it wasn't you. I just\ndidn't have 'em back then.\n\nJERRY\nShe faked.\n\n(George smiles sarcastically)\n\nJERRY\nMaybe they've all been faking.\n\nELAINE\nI'm sure they're not.\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe Karin is faking.\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Kramer is lighting his cigar on the stove)\n\nKRAMER\nShe was probably joking.\n\nJERRY\nNo no, it was no joke.\n\nKRAMER\nShe didn't have any?\n\nJERRY\nNo. None.\n\nKRAMER\nShe faked 'em all.\n\nJERRY\nFaked 'em all.\n\nKRAMER\nWell so she faked 'em, so what?\n\nJERRY\nThe woman had an orgasm under false\npretences. That's sexual perjury.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know I heard her screaming from\nmy apartment? She woke me up a few times.\n\nJERRY\nHow did she do it? She's like Meryl\nStreep this woman. And I had to work\nthe equipment. I'm not unskilled, I'm\nin the union. If she'd at least told\nme, maybe I could have done something\nabout it.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah I could have helped you out.\n\nJERRY\nWhat could you have done?\n\nKRAMER\nI could have given you some pointers.\nI know how to press those buttons body.\n\nJERRY\nI'm feeling very inadequate about the\nwhole thing.\n\nKRAMER\nAaaaah.\n\nJERRY\nDon't aaaaah! I'm supposed to do something\nwith her later? I don't even think I\nwanna see her.\n\n(The phone rings)\n\nKRAMER\nGiddy-up.\n\n(Jerry picks it up)\n\nJERRY\nHello... Oh hello Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nSo we're having dinner tonight?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, I'm not really in the\nmood.\n\nELAINE\nWhy? What's wrong? You're not still\nthinking about this afternoon are you?\n\nJERRY\nWhat, the grilled cheese? Naaah, they\nalways burn the toast.\n\nELAINE\nNooo, the other thing.\n\nJERRY\nOooh that. Well...\n\nELAINE\nOh come on, Jerry. Making to much of\na big deal about it.\n\nJERRY\nYeah I guess. So you wanna meet at that\nplace at seven thirty?\n\nELAINE\nOkay.\n\nJERRY\nAll right.\n\nELAINE\nAll right, see you later.\n\nJERRY\nBye.\n\nELAINE\nBye.\n\n(Elaine's office)\n\n(Rene walks passed the office)\n\nELAINE\nRene, can you come here a second? Let\nme ask you something: have you ever...\nyou know... faked it?\n\nRENE\nYeah, sometimes.\n\nELAINE\nReally, like when?\n\nRENE\nLike if we went to a Broadway show,\nif we had really good seats.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, well...\n\nRENE\nWell you know, if it's enough all ready\nand I just wanna get some sleep.\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nJERRY\nI really don't feel like seeing her.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, I faked it.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nYou faked it? Why would you do that?\n\nKRAMER\nWell you know, if it's enough already\nand I just wanna get some sleep.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, but why would you...\n\n(Kramer spits out his peach)\n\nJERRY\nBad peach?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's terrible!\n\nJERRY\nDid you get that at Joe's?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, of course I got it at Joe's.\n\nJERRY\nThat's surprising, his fruit is usually\nthe best.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna\nreturn this.\n\nJERRY\nYou're returning used fruit?\n\nKRAMER\nJerry this peach is sub par.\n\n(Joe's)\n\nJOE\nSo what do you want me to do?\n\nKRAMER\nI want restitution.\n\nJOE\nRestitution? You want restitution? Why\nshould I give you restitution?\n\nKRAMER\nBecause it's no good.\n\nJOE\nWhen you put that fruit out, that's\nwhere it ends for me.\n\nKRAMER\nIt's still your fruit, you gotta stand\nbehind your fruit.\n\nJOE\nI stand behind my fruit.\n\nKRAMER\nSo...\n\nJOE\nHey, you got a bad peach? That's an\nact of God. He makes the peaches. I\ndon't make the peaches, I sell the peaches.\nYou have a problem? You talk to him.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know this whole place is going vrrrrrrrrrrrrt,\ndownhill. I could have come in here\nlast week with a bad plum but I let\nit go.\n\nJOE\nWell let me put a solution for you:\ndo your business elsewhere, I don't\nwant your business.\n\nKRAMER\nOh now you don't want my business.\n\nJOE\nNo, I don't want your business and from\nthis moment you're banned from the store,\nyou're banned!\n\nKRAMER\nBut what am I gonna do for fruit?\n\n(restaurant)\n\n(Karin starts moaning and lights a cigarette after finishing\ndinner)\n\nGEORGE\nYou seem like you really enjoyed your\nRisotto. You have a very contented air\nover there. You look very contented,\nvery satisfied. Are you satisfied?\n\nKARIN\nI'm very satisfied.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm sure if you weren't satisfied you\nwould probably say something wouldn't\nyou?\n\nKARIN\nI probably would. But then again I'm\nan enigma.\n\nGEORGE\nHey listen... instead of the movie...\nmaybe we'll go back and... you know...\n\nKARIN\nMaybe.\n\nGEORGE\nSo... you feel okay about that whole\nthing... what we do in there... generally\nokay with everything in there?\n\nKARIN\nGenerally.\n\nGEORGE\nDo you feel the way you feel after the\nRisotto?\n\nKARIN\nNo, I feel full after the Risotto.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah... full.\n\n((another) restaurant)\n\n(Elaine starts moaning after finishing dinner)\n\nJERRY\nSatisfied?\n\nELAINE\nHey, you know what? You wanna go see\nthat new Meryl Streep movie?\n\nJERRY\nMeryl Streep?\n\nELAINE\nYou don't like her?\n\nJERRY\nAh, she's okay.\n\nELAINE\nI love her Jerry, she's so authentic.\nI really believe everything is actually\nhappening to her. There's no acting\nthere.\n\nJERRY\nYeah. You don't want coffee or anything\ndo you?\n\nELAINE\nI really admire actors, you know. It's\njust such an incredible skill.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, yeah, can we get off of this?\n\nELAINE\nWhat's the matter?\n\nJERRY\nNothing.\n\nELAINE\nYou're not still thinking about that\nare you?\n\nJERRY\nNooo.\n\nELAINE\nOh good.\n\nJERRY\nGive me another shot!\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nAnother shot, I want another shot.\n\nELAINE\nYou mean...?\n\nJERRY\nYes!\n\nELAINE\nOooh no, I don't think so.\n\nJERRY\nCome on! One shot, I can do it, I know\nI can do it!\n\nELAINE\nJerry, we're friends! We can't do that,\nit would ruin our friendship.\n\nJERRY\nOh friendship... friendship, shmanship\n.\n\nELAINE\nJerry no, that's important to me.\n\nJERRY\nWe won't ruin the friendship.\n\nELAINE\nYes we will!\n\nJERRY\nElaine...\n\nELAINE\nNo Jerry, it is out of the question.\nYou know what sex does to a friendship,\nit kills it.\n\nJERRY\nA half hour, give me a half our.\n\nELAINE\nNo!\n\nJERRY\nOkay, fifteen minutes. I guarantee you\nfifteen minutes, I can make it happen!\n\nELAINE\nNo!\n\nJERRY\nYou're worried I'll be able to do it\naren't you?\n\nELAINE\nWhat, no, it doesn't matter. Jerry,\nI don't care.\n\nJERRY\nThat's it, that's it. You like having\nthis over me, you don't want me to do\nit.\n\nELAINE\nThat is so ridiculous.\n\nJERRY\nCome on, Elaine!\n\nELAINE\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nElaine?!\n\nELAINE\nNo!\n\n(Karin's bedroom)\n\n(George indicates that the sex went wrong)\n\nGEORGE\nIt's Jerry's fault.\n\nKARIN\nJerry?\n\nGEORGE\nJerry and Elaine. They made me nuts.\n\nKARIN\nOh I don't care, George, really it's\nall right.\n\nGEORGE\nSo you feel okay?\n\nKARIN\nWell, it's not like after the Risotto.\n\n(Jerry's car)\n\nJERRY\nWell good night.\n\nELAINE\nI still don't understand why we had\nto walk out on that movie.\n\nJERRY\nOh that Meryl Streep, she's such a phony\nbaloney.\n\nELAINE\nGoodnight. Thanks for a really fabulous\nevening (sarcastic).\n\nJERRY\nOh what, you're upset?\n\nELAINE\nYes I'm upset, can't you tell?\n\nJERRY\nNo I can't, maybe you're faking.\n\nELAINE\nI'm really, really sorry I told you\nthat.\n\nJERRY\nI'm sorry too.\n\nELAINE\nWell stop being such a baby.\n\nJERRY\nYou're a baby!\n\nELAINE\nYou're a baby!\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nGEORGE\nIt's all your fault! You and Elaine!\nAll that orgasm talk. She did have an\norgasm, she didn't have an orgasm. Orgasm\nthis, orgasm that. I got so focused\non it. I started to panic and boom,\nI lost it. I tried everything, I was\ntalking to him: 'Please wake up, do\nsomething.'\n\nJERRY\nThey're mysterious little fellows aren't\nthey?\n\nGEORGE\nI hate 'em!\n\nJERRY\nYou know it happens to everybody. It\nhappened to Houdini. And he could get\nout of a trunk under water with his\nhands in chains! But he had a problem\nwith that. The miracle is that it ever\nhappens.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's like a magic trick. Sometimes I\nthink it would be easier to bend a spoon\nmentally than to make that transformation.\n\n(Kramer enters the apartment)\n\nKRAMER\nHey listen, if I give you money would\nyou go out and get me some fruit?\n\nJERRY\nWhy can't you get it?\n\nKRAMER\nWell I got banned from the store I can't\ngo back in there now.\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened?\n\nKRAMER\nWell you know, we had a fight over the\npeach and... well Joe doesn't want my\nbusiness.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, was that a joke about Houdini?\n\nJERRY\nNo. (And to Kramer:) I told you not\nto say anything.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, what am I gonna do for fruit?\n\nJERRY\nWell you'll have to go to the supermarket.\n\nKRAMER\nThe supermarket? That's impossible!\nThey don't have a decent piece of fruit\nat the supermarket. The apples are mealy,\nthe oranges are dry. I don't know what's\ngoing on with the Papayas! Jerry you\ngotta go to Joe's, you gotta get me\nsome fruit!\n\nJERRY\nOh so what I'm going to buy all your\nfruit now?\n\nGEORGE\nWell if Houdini couldn't do it, what\nchance do I have?\n\n(George leaves the apartment)\n\n(The phone rings, Jerry picks it up)\n\nJERRY\nHello... Oh hi Patty, thanks for calling\nme back. I just wanted to ask you a\nquestion: when we we're going out did\nyou have orgasms?... Okay, thanks...\nNo that's it... Okay, bye.\n\n(Jerry hangs up the phone)\n\nJERRY\nPatty Lawrence had 'em!\n\nKRAMER\nOkay, I'm gonna make you a fruit list,\nall right?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\n(Jerry makes another call)\n\nJERRY\nHello Elaine? Patty Lorens had orgasms\nwhat do you think about that? And I\ngot calls in to six other women and\nI bet you they confirm an orgasm too.\nSo what do you have to say now Elaine?...\nHello?\n\n(outside Joe's)\n\nJERRY\nWhy do I feel like I'm doing something\nwrong?\n\nKRAMER\nAll right now here's the list.\n\nJERRY\nAll this? It's too much. What do you\nneed five mangos for?\n\nKRAMER\nI like mangos.\n\nJERRY\nAvocado? I don't know how to pick out\nan avocado.\n\nKRAMER\nWell they gotta be soft.\n\nJERRY\nHow soft?\n\nKRAMER\nNot too soft. Better too hard than too\nsoft.\n\nJERRY\nI'm not going through this every week,\nI tell you that right now. And what\nare these? Plums? What is that?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah now get the ones that are red on\nthe inside.\n\nJERRY\nWell how do I know what they look like\non the inside? What do they look like\non the outside?\n\nKRAMER\nOh! And get some plantains.\n\nJERRY\nPlantains?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nWhat the hell is a plantain.\n\nKRAMER\nIt's part of the banana family. It's\na delicacy.\n\nJERRY\nYou're not getting any plantains.\n\n(Jerry enters Joe's)\n\nJERRY\nHey Joe.\n\nJOE\nHow is it going?\n\nJERRY\nGood, just getting some fruit for myself.\nGotta have fruit in the house. I like\nit as a snack. Wholesome, natural, chock-full\nof vitamins. I don't know let's see...\nmangos... four plums with red on the\ninside... avocado... ooo, just right...\nand three plantains ought to do it.\n\nJOE\nAll right, all right, just hold it right\nthere.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nJOE\nThis fruit isn't for you.\n\nJERRY\nWhat, what are you talking about?\n\nJOE\nYou think I don't know? Mangos, plantains,\nplums with the red on the inside, that's\nKramer!\n\nJERRY\nI can't buy mangos and plantains?\n\nJOE\nAll right, get out!\n\nJERRY\nYou're making a big mistake, Joe!\n\nJOE\nI'll tell you something else: I don't\nwhat your business anymore either.\n\nJERRY\nYou're saying you're banning me from\nthe store?\n\nJOE\nThat's exactly what I'm saying.\n\nJERRY\nI'm banned?!\n\nJOE\nYou're banned.\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, where do you want it?\n\nJERRY\nPut it over there.\n\nKRAMER\nYes! Oh look at this, these mangos are\nbeautiful! Oh these are beautiful, you\ndid good George.\n\n(Kramer leaves the apartment)\n\nGEORGE\nAll right I gotta get going.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you doing?\n\nGEORGE\nI got a date with Karin. I don't know\nwhat I'm gonna do. Nothing happening\ndown there.\n\nJERRY\nYou're thinking about it too much. You're\nputting too much emphasis on it.\n\nGEORGE\nI knew this was gonna happen some day.\nIt was inevitable. I've known it ever\nsince I was a little kid. I've been\nwaiting for it.\n\n(Kramer enters the apartment)\n\nKRAMER\nThis mango is delicious!\n\nGEORGE\nThat reminds me, I'm not getting you\nguys any more fruit. That guy was eyeballing\nme the whole time. He gave me the creeps.\nAll right, you owe me twenty-eight sixty.\n\nJERRY\nSorry, I don't have any cash.\n\nKRAMER\nI only got hundreds.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right I knew it.\n\nKRAMER\nCome on, come on, we're gonna pay you!\nHere have some mango.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't want any mango.\n\nKRAMER\nCome on, take some. It's good.\n\n(George tries a piece)\n\nGEORGE\nVery good. Juicy. Ripe. This Joe's got\nsome terrific fruit.\n\n(George looks a little weird)\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nI feel like I got a B12 shot. This is\nlike a taste explosion!\n\nKRAMER\nI told you.\n\n(George stands still)\n\nJERRY\nWhat is it?\n\nGEORGE\nI think it moved. Oh my god, I think\nit moved. Yeah, give me the big piece.\nI'll see you later.\n\n(Elaine enters the apartment)\n\nELAINE\nHi George.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm back, baby, I'm back!\n\n(George leaves the apartment)\n\nKRAMER\nWant some mango?\n\nELAINE\nNo, thanks.\n\n(Kramer leaves the apartment)\n\nJERRY\nWell well, if it isn't the first lady\nof the American Theatre. What brings\nyou here?\n\nELAINE\nJust gonna return some of your things\nthat were in my house.\n\nJERRY\nOh and I've got some things of yours\nhere.\n\nELAINE\nI know.\n\nJERRY\nWell I'll get them.\n\nELAINE\nI'm waiting.\n\nJERRY\nAll right. You got my fins?\n\nELAINE\nYeah I got your fins. You got my poker\nchips?\n\nJERRY\nI got your poker chips. You got my goggles?\n\nELAINE\nThey're next to the fins. You got my\ncards?\n\nJERRY\nThey're next to the poker chips.\n\n(They switch bags)\n\nELAINE\nAll right and that just about... does\nit.\n\nJERRY\nI guess.\n\nELAINE\nOkay, well... see you around.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, see you.\n\n(Elaine opens the door and then closes it again)\n\nELAINE\nAll right, let's go, I give you half\nan hour.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nCome on!\n\nJERRY\nAre you serious?\n\nELAINE\nLook, Jerry, we have to have sex to\nsave the friendship.\n\nJERRY\nSex... to save the friendship. Well,\nif we have to...\n\n(Karin's bedroom)\n\nKARIN\nOh George, oooh.\n\nGEORGE\nPlease, it's not necessary.\n\nKARIN\nWhat do you mean it's not necessary?\n\nGEORGE\nThe little extra moan you threw in there.\nLaying it on a bit thick, don't you\nthink?\n\nKARIN\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat am I talking about? Come on. You\ndon't think I bought all that?\n\nKARIN\nWhat, what?\n\nGEORGE\nYou're very good. Very good with the\nmoanings and the gyrations. You really\nhad me going there for a minute.\n\nKARIN\nYou think I was faking?\n\nGEORGE\nCome on: 'Oh George, oh Geeeooorge!'\nCome on! Not that I don't appreciate\nthe effort that was put into it.\n\nKARIN\nI'd like you to leave.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nKARIN\nI said, I would like you to leave. Come\non, just get your clothes on and get\nout.\n\nGEORGE\nBut why?\n\nKARIN\nBecause I said so.\n\nGEORGE\nI can't find my glasses.\n\nKARIN\nWell hurry up.\n\nGEORGE\nI need to look for my glasses.\n\nKARIN\nGet out! Get out!! Get out!!!\n\n(Jerry's bedroom)\n\n(Elaine is reading a magazine and Jerry is making desperate noises)\n\nJERRY\nIt's all George's fault. All that talk\nabout impotence. He got to me. And that\norgasm stuff: orgasm this and orgasm\nthat. It's a lot of pressure!\n\nELAINE\nYou know I'm a little hungry. You wouldn't\nhappen to have any of that mango left?\n\n(Jerry looks like he's got an idea)\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Puffy-Shirt.html",
    "text": "THE PUFFY SHIRT\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Jerry and George are waiting for Kramer, so he can help them\nmove George's stuff back into his parent's house)\n\nGEORGE\nI can't believe this!\n\nJERRY\nOh, it won't be for that long.\n\nGEORGE\nHow can I do this?! How can I move back\nin with those people? Please, tell me!\nThey're insane! You know that.\n\nJERRY\nHey, my parents are just as crazy as\nyour parents.\n\nGEORGE\nHow can you compare you parents to my\nparents?!\n\nJERRY\nMy father has never thrown anything\nout. Ever!\n\nGEORGE\nMy father wears his sneakers in the\npool! Sneakers!\n\nJERRY\nMy mother has never set foot in a natural\nbody of water.\n\nGEORGE\n(Showing Jerry up) Listen carefully.\nMy mother has never laughed. Ever. Not\na giggle, not a chuckle, not a tee-hee..\nnever went 'Ha!'\n\nJERRY\nA smirk?\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe!.. And I'm moving back in there!\n\nJERRY\nI told you I'd lend you the money for\nthe rent.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no, no, no. Borrowing money from\na friend is like having sex. It just\ncompletely changes the relationship.\n\n(Kramer stumbles in)\n\nKRAMER\nAlright. I'm ready. (To George) You\nknow, I still don't understand - why\ndo you want to move back in with your\nparents?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't want to! I'm outta money! I\ngot 714 dollars left in the bank.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, move in here.\n\nJERRY\n(Stopping the notion) What's that?\n\nKRAMER\nWhy doesn't he just move in here?\n\nGEORGE\n(Sarcastic) Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna move\nin with him. He doesn't even let you\nuse the toilet!\n\nKRAMER\nYou can move in with me, if you want.\n\nGEORGE\n(Sincerely) Thank you.. I, uh.. that\nmight not work out.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(The Costanza's house)\n\n(Jerry, George, and Kramer enter carrying George's luggage. Kramer\nclumsily bangs the wall with one of the suitcases)\n\nESTELLE\nCareful! Careful with the suitcases!\nWe just painted!\n\nKRAMER\nHello, Mrs. Costanza.\n\nESTELLE\nHello, Kramer. Close the door.\n\n(They set down George's luggage)\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I gotta bring in more stuff. (Heads\nfor the door)\n\nESTELLE\nMore stuff?!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. (Exits)\n\nESTELLE\n(To George) How much is there?!\n\nGEORGE\n(Annoyed) There's more.\n\nESTELLE\nSo, how are ya, Jerry?\n\nJERRY\nFine, Mrs. Costanza. (Attempts to get\nEstelle to laugh) Hey, I got a terrific\njoke for you..\n\nESTELLE\n(Sits down on the couch) Nah, not interested.\n\nJERRY\nNo, no. It's really funny. There's these\ntwo guys-\n\nESTELLE\n(Interrupting) Tell it to the audience.\n(George gives Jerry an 'I told you so'\nlook) Here, (Picks up a plate full of\nsandwiches) I made some bologna\n\nsandwiches.\n\nGEORGE\nBologna?! No one eats bologna anymore!\n\nESTELLE\nWhat are you talking about?! Have a\nsandwich.\n\nJERRY\nNo thanks.\n\n(Kramer enters with some more suitcases)\n\nESTELLE\nOh, stop it! You don't want one, Kramer?\n\nKRAMER\nUhh.. no thanks. (Goes back out the\ndoor)\n\nESTELLE\nI think you're all a little touched\nin the head. (Puts the plate down) You're\nso worried about your health.. You're\nyoung men.\n\nJERRY\nI really don't eat it.\n\nESTELLE\nWhat am I gonna do with all these sandwiches?!\nWill you take them home? Give them to\nsomeone in your building?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know if I'd feel comfortable\nhanding out bologna sandwiches in the\nbuilding..\n\nKRAMER\n(Enters with a box) Alright, that's\nit. Anything else?\n\nGEORGE\n(Muttering) No, that's it.\n\n(A horn honks from outside the house)\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I gotta go move the car. (Leaves)\n\nJERRY\nWell, I guess we'll be going.. (Heads\nfor the door)\n\nGEORGE\n(Runs over to him, not wanting him to\nleave) What? You're going?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nWha - what are you doing later?\n\nJERRY\nOh, Elaine and I are going out to dinner\nwith Kramer and his new girlfriend.\n\nGEORGE\nReally?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, You can't believe this woman.\nShe's one of those low-talkers. You\ncan't hear a word she's saying! You're\nalways going 'excuse me?', 'what was\n\nthat?'\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.. may - maybe I'll meet ya?\n\nESTELLE\nNo, George. We're going out to eat tonight\nwith your father.\n\nGEORGE\n(Mutters) Oh.. okay.. talk to you later.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, take it easy. (Leaves)\n\n(George watches his mother sitting contentedly on the couch.\nShe's staring off into space)\n\nGEORGE\nOh, my God.. (Buries his face into his\nhands)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(A Restaurant)\n\n(Jerry, Elaine, Kramer, and Leslie are all laughing)\n\nELAINE\nOkay, well, he had this idea of a pizza\nplace where you make your own pie! (Laughs)\n\nJERRY\nRight.\n\nELIANE\nYou remember that?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well, that was a good one.\n\nJERRY\nWell..\n\n(Kramer's girlfriend starts to mumble out some words, but Kramer's\nthe only one who seems to hear her. Jerry and Elaine both bend\nforward, trying to hear what\n\nshe's saying)\n\nELAINE\nWhat's that?\n\nJERRY\nExcuse me?\n\n(She 'talks' some more. Jerry and Elaine still can't hear her.\nThey give up - leaning back in their seats)\n\nJERRY\nYeah.. yeah.\n\nELAINE\nYep. Yeah..\n\nKRAMER\nYou know that, uh, Leslie (Points to\nher) is in the clothing business? She's\na designer.\n\nELAINE\n(Interested) Oh?\n\nKRAMER\nIn fact, she's come up with a new one\nthat is going to be the big new look\nin mens fashions.. It's a, a puffy shirt.\n(Leslie mumbles to Kramer) Well, yeah,\n\nit - it's all puffy. Like the pirates used to wear.\n\nELAINE\nOh, a puffy shirt.\n\nJERRY\nPuffy.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, see, I think people want to look\nlike pirates. You know, it's the right\ntime for it.. to be all puffy, and devil-may-care..\n\n(Leslie starts 'talking', Kramer laughs. Jerry and Elaine have\nno clue what she's saying. They lean closer)\n\nKRAMER\n(Still laughing) That's true.. (Gets\nup) I'll be right back. (Walks off laughing.\nJerry and Elaine are left with the low-talker.\nA moment passes)\n\nELAINE\nUh, oh! (Remembers something they could\ntalk about) Jerry's going to be on the\n\"Today\" show on Friday.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, that's right!\n\nELAINE\nYep.. yep. Um, he's promoting a benefit\nfor Goodwill, you know, they, uh, they\nclothe the poor, and the homeless..\n\nJERRY\n(Points at Elaine) And the indigent.\n\nELAINE\nAnd the indigent, yeah.. I, I do volunteer\nwork for them. I set the whole thing\nup, and I got Jerry to do it.\n\n(Leslie starts talking. Of course, Jerry and Elaine can't hear\nher voice)\n\nJERRY\nSure.\n\nELAINE\nOhh, yeah. Yeah.. yep.\n\n(Leslie talks some more)\n\nJERRY\nUh-huh.\n\nELAINE\nYep.\n\nJERRY\nYep..\n\nELAINE\nMmm\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(A Restaurant)\n\nESTELLE\nMaybe you should take a civil service\ntest.\n\nGEORGE\n(Studying the salt shaker) I'm not taking\na civil service test.\n\nFRANK\nLook at this, George. (Takes a coin\nout of his pocket) You ever seen a silver\ndollar?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, I've seen a silver dollar.\n\nELAINE\nWhy don't you want to take a civil service\ntest?\n\nGEORGE\nTo do what?! Work in a post office?\nIs that what you want me to do?\n\nFRANK\nWould you believe when I was 18, I had\na silver dollar collection?\n\nESTELLE\nI don't understand. You get job security\n- you get a pay check every week..\n\nGEORGE\nI'm a college graduate. You want me\nto be a mailman?\n\nFRANK\n(Still looking at his coin) You know,\nI couldn't bring myself to spend one\nof these. I got some kind of a-a-a-a-a\nphobia.\n\nESTELLE\nSo what are you gonna do?!\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know. I do know that I have\nsome kind of a talent - something to\noffer. I just don't know what it is\nyet!\n\nFRANK\nI bet that collection would be worth\na lot of money today.\n\nGEORGE\n(Looks fed up with his parents) Oh my\nGod..\n\nFRANK\nI don't like this waiter. (Holds up\nhis hand to get the waiters attention\n- starts snapping) Look at him.. He\nsees us.. he doesn't want to come over.\n\nGEORGE\n(Needing to get away from his parents,\nhe gets up) I need some air..\n\nESTELLE\nGeorge, where are you going?!\n\nGEORGE\n(Walks off) I got a lot of thinking\nto do.\n\n(Scene cuts to the front of the restaurant. George accidentally\nruns into a woman - causing her to drop her purse. Items spill\nout onto the floor)\n\nGEORGE\nOh, I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry..\n(Bends down, and starts picking up her\nthings)\n\nWOMAN\nLook at what you've done! You spilled\nmy bag!\n\nGEORGE\n(Stuttering) I, I, I, .. here, let me\n- let me help you..\n\nWOMAN\nNo, no,no. It's all right. (Begins\nhelping him pick her things up)\n\nGEORGE\nIt - it's just that I'm here with my\nparents, and my mother wants me to take\na civil service test - and to tell you\nthe truth, I don't even think I'd pass\nit.. So..\n\n(George hands the last of the items to her, she takes them from\nhim, then starts to admire his hand)\n\nWOMAN\nHmm..\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nWOMAN\n(Looking at both his hands intensely)\nYour hands.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about them?\n\nWOMAN\nThey're quite exquisite!\n\nGEORGE\nThey are?\n\nWOMAN\n(Mesmerized) Extraordinary! Have you\never done any hand modeling?\n\nGEORGE\nHand modeling? (Shakes his head 'No')\n\nWOMAN\n(Fishes a card out of her purse, then\nhands it to George) Here's my card.\nWhy don't you, uh, give me a call? (Walks\noff)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(George is holding up his hands for Jerry to see)\n\nJERRY\n(Shrugs) I - I don't get it.\n\nGEORGE\nMe neither!\n\nJERRY\nWhat is it?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know.\n\nJERRY\nThey're hands!\n\nGEORGE\nThis woman just set me up for a job!\n\nJERRY\n(Gets up, and displays his own hands)\nWell, what about my hands? I don't see\nhow your hands are any better than my\nhands.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, are you kidding? (Points at the\nflaws of Jerry's hands) The knuckles\nare all out of proportion. you got hair\nover there - where do you get off\n\ncomparing your hands to my hands?! This is a one-in-a-million\nhand. (Points to his own hand)\n\nJERRY\nWell, that's what comes from avoiding\nmanual labor your whole life.\n\nGEORGE\nThis is it! It happened to me, Jerry!\nI was sitting in the restaurant, the\ntwo nut jobs were talking - I couldn't\ntake it any more. I got up, and (Makes\na\n\nnoise) I bop into this woman..\n\n(Enter Kramer)\n\nKRAMER\nHey. (He's carrying a suit cover. He\nhangs it on Jerry's coat hooks)\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, George! (Holds out his hand. George\nshakes it - a hand buzzer goes off.\nGeorge starts freaking out. Kramer laughs)\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you, crazy?! What are you,\ncrazy?!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?!\n\nGEORGE\nYou coulda damaged my hand!\n\nKRAMER\n(Laughing) But, it's only a toy!\n\nJERRY\n(Explaining) George has become a hand\nmodel.\n\nKRAMER\nA hand model?\n\nJERRY\nYes.\n\nKRAMER\n(To George) Really? Let me look at them..\n\nGEORGE\n(Defensively) You can look at them,\nbut do NOT touch them. (Holds them out.\nKramer studies them)\n\nKRAMER\nLet's see.. oh, those are nice. You\nknow, I've never noticed this before?\nThey're smooth.. creamy.. delicate,\nyet (Turns to Jerry) masculine.\n\nGEORGE\n(Takes two oven mitts from his back\npack) Alright, (puts them on) I gotta\nget going.\n\nJERRY\nOven mitts?\n\nGEORGE\n(Embarrassed) That's all I could find.\n(A moment passes) Would you mind getting\nthe door?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah..\n\nJERRY\nAlright. (Jerry opens the door for George)\n\nGEORGE\nThank you very much. (Walks out)\n\n(Jerry shuts the door, then starts going through his mail)\n\nKRAMER\nYou're not going to believe what happening\nwith Leslie. You know, ever since you\nagreed to wear the puffy shirt on the\nToday show, she's been getting\n\nall these orders from boutiques and department stores..\n\nJERRY\nUh-huh.. (Finally realizes what Kramer\nsaid, he looks up) Since I said what?\n\nKRAMER\nAgreed to wear the puffy shirt. (Starts\nunzipping the suit cover)\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nKRAMER\nWhen you said that you'd agree to wear\nthe puffy shirt on the Today show. (Takes\nthe ridiculous puffy shirt out of the\ncover)\n\nJERRY\n(Goes up to it) This?\n\nKRAMER\nYes!\n\nJERRY\nI agreed to wear this?!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah.\n\nJERRY\nBut, when did I do that?\n\nKRAMER\nWhen we went to dinner the other night.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you, crazy?!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat were you talking about when I went\nto the bathroom?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know! I couldn't understand\na word she was saying! I was just nodding!\n\nKRAMER\nThere you go.\n\nJERRY\nWhere I go? You mean she was asking\nme to wear this ridiculous shirt on\nnational TV, and I said 'Yes'?!\n\nKRAMER\nYes, yes! You said it!\n\nJERRY\nBut, I - I didn't know what she was\ntalking about. I couldn't hear her!\n\nKRAMER\n(Takes it off the hook, and starts walking\ntoward Jerry with it. He backs defensively\nbacks away from it) Well, she asked\nyou.\n\nJERRY\nI - I can't wear this puffy shirt on\nTV! I mean, look at it! It looks ridiculous!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you gotta wear it now! All those\nstores are stocking it based on the\ncondition that you're gonna wear this\non the TV show! The factory in New\n\nJersey is already makin' them!\n\nJERRY\nThey're making these?!\n\nKRAMER\nYes, yes. This pirate trend that she's\ncome up with, Jerry, - this is gonna\nbe the new look for the 90's. You're\ngonna be the first pirate!\n\nJERRY\n(Like a little kid) But, I don't want\nto be a pirate!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(The Costanza house)\n\n(George is giving himself a manicure over a tray. He's carefully\nprimping his fingernails)\n\nESTELLE\nI knew it. I knew it.. I always knew\nyou always had beautiful hands. I used\nto tell people. Frank, didn't I use\nto talk about his hands?\n\nFRANK\n(Looking up from his paper) Who the\nhell did'ya ever mention his hands to?\n\nESTELLE\n(Getting annoyed) I mentioned his hands\nto plenty of people!\n\nFRANK\nYou never mentioned them to me!\n\nGEORGE\n(Snaps, then points to the coffee table)\nHand me an Emory board.\n\n(Estelle hands an Emory board to George. He takes it, then goes\nback to his manicure)\n\nESTELLE\nI always talk about your hands - how\nthey're so soft and milky white..\n\nFRANK\nNo! You never said milky white!\n\nESTELLE\n(Getting angry) I said milky white!\n\n(A moment passes as George fights to keep his temper down around\nhis parents)\n\nGEORGE\n(To Estelle) Scissor. (She gets the\nscissors from the coffee table and hands\nthem to George) Don't hand them to me\nwith the point facing out!\n\n(Estelle, visibly nervous, reacts, flipping the scissors around)\n\nESTELLE\nI'm sorry.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're sorry?!\n\nESTELLE\n(Apologizing) I'll try to be more careful.\n\nGEORGE\n(Stern, angered) I hope so. (Takes the\nscissors)\n\n(Another moment passes as George primps his hands)\n\nESTELLE\nGeorgie.. (Nudges George's arm, disrupting\nhis work) Georgie, would you like some\nJell-O?\n\nFRANK\n(To Estelle, referring to the Jell-O)\nWhy'd you put the bananas in there?!\n\nESTELLE\n(Yelling) George likes the bananas!\n\nFRANK\n(Trying to match her tone) So let him\nhave bananas on the side!\n\n(George stands up with the manicure tray. He's obviously had\nenough)\n\nGEORGE\nAlright! Please, please! I cannot have\nthis constant bickering!.. Stress is\nvery damaging to the epidermis! Now,\nI have an important photo session in\nthe\n\nmorning - my hands have got to be in tip-top shape, so please\n- keep the television down, and the conversation to a minimum.\n\nESTELLE\n(Meek) But Georgie.. what about the\nJell-O?\n\nGEORGE\n(Definite) I'll take it in my room.\n(Walks off)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(A Today Show dressing room)\n\n(Jerry's in a back room, getting dressed while Kramer's thumbing\nthrough a magazine. There's a knock at the door)\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, come in.\n\n(A Today Show stagehand enters)\n\nSTAGEHAND\nI just wanted to let you know he's got\nabout five minutes.\n\nKRAMER\nGiddy-Up. (Stagehand leaves) Jerry!\nFive minutes!\n\n(Jerry walks out from the back room wearing the 'puffy' shirt.\nHe has the expression of extreme resentment)\n\nKRAMER\nNow that's a great looking shirt! (Gets\nup, admiring the shirt) Ayye Captain!\n(Growls like a pirate) Yeah! I'm glad\nI ironed it. It's perfect. (Walks around\n\nJerry, inspecting the shirt) Look at it! It's fantastic!\n\nJERRY\n(Resisting) Kramer, how am I gonna wear\nthis?! I can't wear this!\n\nKRAMER\n(Reassuring) Hey, this look's better\nthan anything you own. You know, in\ntwo months time, everybody's gonna be\nwearing the (imitates a pirate) pirate\n\nlook. Aye!\n\n(A knock at the door, Kramer answers it - it's Elaine)\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nHi, Kramer. Guess what - I just saw\nBryant Gumbel, he said he might help\nout at the benefit!\n\nKRAMER\nGreat.\n\n(Elaine stops in her tracks when she sees Jerry in the shirt.\nThen, bursts out laughing hysterically)\n\nELAINE\n(Between laughs) What is that?!\n\nKRAMER\nIt's the puffy shirt. Look at it, eh?\nWhatd'ya think? Is it cool or what?\n\nELAINE\n(To Jerry) Why're you wearing that now?\n\nJERRY\n(Obviously mad at the situation he's\nin) 'Why am I wearing is now?'? I'll\ntell you why I'm wearing it now - because\nthe lowtalker asked me to, that's why!\n\nAnd I said 'yes'. Do you know why? Because I couldn't HEAR her!\n\nELAINE\nWhen did she, (Snickers) when did she\nask you this?\n\nJERRY\nWhen we were at dinner, when Kramer\nwent to the bathroom.\n\nELAINE\nI didn't hear anything.\n\nJERRY\n(Yelling out) Of course not! Nobody\nhears anything when this woman speaks!\n\nELAINE\n(Just now making the matter serious)\nWell, you can't wear that on the show.\n\nKRAMER\n(To Elaine, muffled, low, and threatening)\nElaine, you want to stop?\n\nELAINE\n(Turning around to Kramer) Wha- What?\nNo. (Back to Jerry) Jerry, you are promoting\na benefit to CLOTHE homeless people.\nYou can't come out\n\ndressed like that! You're all puffed up!.. You look like the\nCount of Monte Cristo!\n\nJERRY\n(Arms out, complaining) I have to wear\nit! The woman has orders for this shirt\nbased on me wearing it on TV.. they're\nproducing them as we speak!\n\nELAINE\n(Arguing) Yeah, but you're supposed\nto be a compassionate person! That cares\nabout poor people! You look like you're\ngonna.. swing in on a\n\nchandelier!\n\n(A knock at the door, Jerry answers)\n\nSTAGEHAND\n(Looking down at a clipboard, enters)\nOkay, let's go. (Looks up, points at\nJerry's puffy shirt) Is that what you're\nwearing?\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(A photographer's studio)\n\n(George is holding out his hands while a man and woman marvel\nat them. A photographer is fooling around with a camera towards\nthe right wall)\n\nMAN\nI've never seen hands like these before..\n\nWOMAN\nThey're so soft and milky white.\n\nPHOTOGRAPHER\nYou know who's hands they remind me\nof? (Pauses for effect) Ray McKigney.\n\n(The woman nods as the man looks off into space)\n\nMAN\nUgh.. Ray.\n\nPHOTOGRAPHER\nHe was it.\n\nGEORGE\nWho was he?\n\nPHOTOGRAPHER\nThe most exquisite hands you've ever\nseen.. Oh, he had it all.\n\nGEORGE\n(Hands still out, even though they've\nstopped looking at them) What happened\nto him?\n\n(Obviously a touchy subject, the woman coyly walks over to the\nphotographer, and they both occupy themselves. The man is left\nto tell George the answer to his\n\nquestion)\n\nMAN\n(Clears throat) Tragic story, I'm afraid.\nHe could've had any woman in the world..\nbut none could match the beauty of his\nown hand.. and that became his\n\none true love..\n\n(Long pause)\n\nGEORGE\nYou mean, uh..?\n\nMAN\nYes. he was not.. master of his domain.\n\nGEORGE\n(Makes a gesture saying he understands.\nThe man nods) But how.. uh..?\n\nMAN\n(Quick, to the point) The muscles..\nbecame so strained with.. overuse, that\neventually the hand locked into a deformed\nposition, and he was left with nothing\n\nbut a claw. (Holds hand up, displaying a claw-like shape) He\ntraveled the world seeking a cure.. acupuncturists.. herbalists..\nswamis.. nothing helped. Towards the\n\nend, his hands became so frozen the was unable to manipulate\nutensils, (Visibly disgusted by this last part) and was dependent\non Cub Scouts to feed him. I hadn't\n\nseen another pair of hands like Ray McKigney's.. until today.\nYou are his successor. (George looks down at his hands) I.. only\nhope you have a little more\n\nself-control.\n\nGEORGE\n(Smiling to himself) You don't have\nto worry about me. (Nodding, gloating)\nI won a contest.\n\n(The man nods, unsure of what to say or do)\n\nPHOTOGRAPHER\nOk, let's get to work.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\n(The Today Show)\n\n(Jerry's in the guest chair, and Bryant Gumbel's in the interviewer's\nspot. Jerry, visibly, does not want to be there)\n\nBRYANT\n(Talking directly to the camera) Back\nnow, 7:46. On Tuesday the 19th here\nin New York there will be a benefit\nfor the Goodwill Industries - a used\n\nclothing organization that provides service to the needy. One\nof the performers will be comedian Jerry Seinfeld. (Turns to\nface Jerry) Jerry, good morning.\n\nJERRY\n(Mumbling out) Thank you, Bryant.\n\nBRYANT\n(Pointing out) And speaking of clothing\n, that is a very, very unusual shirt\nyou have on.\n\nJERRY\n(Looking down at the shirt) Oh, thank\nyou.\n\n(Backstage, Kramer's standing with his girlfriend. She's brimming\nwith pride)\n\nBRYANT\nYou're all kinda, (Waves his hands around)\nall kinda \"puffed up\". (Chuckles)\n\nJERRY\nYeah, it's a puffy shirt.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Glasses.html",
    "text": "THE GLASSES\n\nWritten by\n\nTom Gammill & Max Pross\n\n(nightclub)\n\nJERRY\nI never get enough sleep. I stay up\nlate at night, cause I'm Night Guy.\nNight Guy wants to stay up late. 'What\nabout getting up after five hours sleep?',\noh that's Morning Guy's problem. That's\nnot my problem, I'm Night Guy. I stay\nup as late as I want. So you get up\nin the morning, you're ..... (?), you're\nexhausted, groggy, oooh I hate that\nNight Guy! See, Night Guy always screws\nMorning Guy. There's nothing Morning\nGuy can do. The only Morning Guy can\ndo is try and oversleep often enough\nso that Day Guy looses his job and Night\nGuy has no money to go out anymore.\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Elaine and Jerry hang out the window)\n\nELAINE\nDo you ever spit on anybody from here?\n\nJERRY\nNo. You?\n\nELAINE\nNo. Do you ever think about it?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nMe too.\n\n(Kramer enters the apartment)\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nWell I got it!\n\nJERRY\nYou got me the air conditioner?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat do you think?\n\nJERRY\nBeautiful!\n\nELAINE\nWhat air conditioner?\n\nKRAMER\nMy buddy works in an appliance store\nand he got us thirty percent off.\n\nJERRY\nIs it a good one?\n\nKRAMER\nGood one? It's the Commando 8.\n\nJERRY\nCommando 8?\n\nKRAMER\n12.000 BTU's.\n\nELAINE\nI thought you hated air conditioning.\nYou've never had an air conditioner.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, but Amy likes air conditioning.\n\nELAINE\nOooh, you're getting an air conditioner\nfor Amy. (In a wining voice:) Amy doesn't\nlike the temperature up here. She's\na little hoooot.\n\nJERRY\nAll right.\n\nKRAMER\nOkay, so, I'm gonna measure the window\nup, okay buddy?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\n(George enters the apartment wearing goggles)\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, rock on!\n\n(Kramer leaves the apartment)\n\nGEORGE\nI gotta get out of this city.\n\nJERRY\nSo you're tunneling to the center of\nthe Earth?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm at the health club and while I'm\nin the pool, some guy walks off with\nmy glasses. Who steals prescription\nglasses?\n\nELAINE\nYou don't have an old pair?\n\nGEORGE\nI broke 'em playing basketball.\n\nJERRY\nHe was running from a bee.\n\nGEORGE\nNow if I wanna see anything I gotta\nwear these.\n\nELAINE\nGeorge, those are prescription goggles?\nWhat is there to see in a health club\npool?\n\nJERRY\nThere's a lot of change down there.\n\nGEORGE\nWhen I find that guy, this much I vow:\nthose glasses will be returned to their\nrightful owner.\n\nJERRY\nWe're behind you, Aquaboy. Godspeed!\n\n(Kramer enters the apartment)\n\nGEORGE\nWhat kind of a sick, demented person\nwants another person's glasses?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, especially those frames.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know you ought to do? Go see my\nfriend Dwayne at J & T Optical and Columbus\nAvenue. He'll give you thirty percent\noff.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, come on.\n\nJERRY\nHey, he just got me thirty percent off\non an air conditioner.\n\nGEORGE\nReally?\n\nKRAMER\nRetail is for suckers.\n\nGEORGE\nWow. What do I have to do?\n\nKRAMER\nYou just gotta mention my name.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's it?\n\nKRAMER\nThat's it.\n\n(J & T Optical)\n\n(George tries on a pair of glasses)\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about these?\n\nELAINE\nThey look good. I liked the other one\ntoo. I've liked about five of them.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's a tough decision. I have to wear\nthese every day. I'm deciding on a new\nface.\n\nJERRY\nCome on, George. Pick a face and go\nwith it!\n\nELAINE\nNow those look good, they're very bold.\n\nGEORGE\nYes, they are bold. Jerry, what do you\nthink?\n\nJERRY\n(While looking at posters of women wearing\nglasses:) I think these women would\nbe pretty good looking if they weren't\nwearing glasses.\n\n(A man with a dog enters the store)\n\nELAINE\nHi there, little doggy. (And to the\nowner:) Do you mind if I pet your dog?\n\nDOG OWNER\nIt's okay with me.\n\nELAINE\nHey little doggy.\n\n(Elaine pets the dog and he bites her)\n\nELAINE\nAaah!\n\nDWAYNE\nHey, you can't have that dog in here.\n\n(The man leaves the store taking his dog with him)\n\nJERRY\nAre you okay? Did he bite you?\n\nGEORGE\nCan you believe that guy?\n\nELAINE\nI'm okay, it's just a nick.\n\nGEORGE\nHe just walked away! And once again\nI'm standing here like a little man.\nWell not this time!\n\n(George leaves the store and follows the dog owner)\n\nGEORGE\nYou! Dog man!\n\n(George, without his glasses, squints and it looks like he sees\nsomething interesting. He enters the store again)\n\nELAINE\nMy leg looks pretty bad.\n\nJERRY\nOh I'm gonna take you over to the emergency\nroom.\n\nELAINE\nOkay.\n\nJERRY\n(To George:) Hey, any luck? Did you\ncatch 'em?\n\nGEORGE\nUuh, no.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, I'm gonna take Elaine over\nto the hospital.\n\nGEORGE\n(In a really strange way:) Good, good,\ndo that.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's the matter?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, no, nothing.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is it?\n\nGEORGE\nI can't tell you.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, can we go?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, yeah, in a second, in a second.\n(And to George:) What do you mean you\ncan't tell me?\n\nGEORGE\nI can't tell you, don't ask.\n\nJERRY\nI'm asking!\n\nELAINE\nJerry, my leg.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, yeah, take care.\n\n(Jerry throws her some toilet paper)\n\nJERRY\nCome on, George, what is it?\n\nGEORGE\nI saw Amy making out with your cousin\nJeffrey.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nThey were right outside!\n\nJERRY\nAmy and Jeffrey?\n\nGEORGE\nYes!\n\nJERRY\nAre you sure?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, positive.\n\nJERRY\nBut you can't see, there's no lenses\nin those frames.\n\nGEORGE\nI know! I was squinting.\n\nELAINE\nListen, Jerry, you just catch up with\nme okay? You can just follow the trail\nof blood.\n\nJERRY\nWe're gonna have to talk about this\nlater.\n\n(Elaine holds the door open for Jerry)\n\nJERRY\nThank you. Taxi!\n\n(Jerry and Elaine leave the store)\n\n(George tries on another pair of glasses)\n\nGEORGE\n(To the store owner:) Excuse me, what\ndo you think of these?\n\nDWAYNE\nOh, we just got those in. It's a very\nexciting new frame.\n\nGEORGE\nYes, it is exciting! All right, this\nis gonna be my new face.\n\nDWAYNE\nAll right, you have a prescription?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\n(George hands over the prescription)\n\nGEORGE\nKramer...\n\nDWAYNE\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nKramer...\n\nDWAYNE\nWhat about him?\n\nGEORGE\nYou do know Kramer?\n\nDWAYNE\nYes...\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I'm mentioning his name.\n\nDWAYNE\nWhy?\n\nGEORGE\nBecause... you know...\n\nDWAYNE\nNo, I don't know. Look, I'm gonna need\na deposit on these.\n\n(hospital)\n\nELAINE\nOh, come on. Cousin Jeffrey? It's not\npossible!\n\nJERRY\nWhy not? They could have met. She loves\nthe park, he works for the Parks Department.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, that is so ridiculous. But, George\ndidn't even have his glasses on!\n\nJERRY\nBut he was squinting.\n\nELAINE\nSo what? Squinting doesn't make that\nmuch of a difference.\n\nJERRY\nAre you kidding? I've seen 'em squint.\nHe can squint his way down to like twenty,\nthirty vision. Once we were driving\ndown from the Catskills and he lost\nhis glasses. He squinted his way from\nWortsborough down to the Tappan Zee\nBridge! He was spotting raccoons, on\nthe road!\n\nDOCTER\nOkay.\n\nELAINE\nOkay? That's it? I don't need a shot?\n\nDOCTER\nNot shot, dog bite.\n\nELAINE\nNo, no, no. I know I wasn't shot. Do\nI need a shot?\n\nDOCTER\nNot shot, dog bite. Woof woof, not bang\nbang.\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Jerry and Amy watch television)\n\nJERRY\nNow, look at this. Cable's out.\n\nAMY\nOh that's okay, we don't have to watch\ntv.\n\nJERRY\nNo, no, no. No trouble at all, it's\na principal the thing.\n\n(Jerry picks up the phone and dials the number)\n\nJERRY\nI like them to know that I know what's\ngoing on. That they're not... getting\naway with anything. Oh, I'm on hold.\nSo, what did you do yesterday?\n\nAMY\nYesterday?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, you remember yesterday? Beautiful\nday... good day to be... out.\n\nAMY\nI didn't do anything.\n\nJERRY\nOh you must have done something.\n\nAMY\nNo, nothing really.\n\nJERRY\nDidn't go out of the house? Didn't take\na walk... on Columbus Avenue?\n\nAMY\nWell, I did go out for a little while.\n\nJERRY\nWell, your day's getting more interesting\nalready.\n\n(Jerry shows the phone)\n\nJERRY\nAh, see, told me they'd be back in a\nminute and THEY lied.\n\nAMY\nYou can't thrust anyone.\n\nJERRY\nNo you can't. Now let's cut the ball,\nsister! You think I don't know about\nyou swapping spit with somebody yesterday\non Columbus Avenue?\n\nAMY\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nJERRY\nLook, my friend saw you.\n\nAMY\nSaw me? With who?\n\nJERRY\nYou tell me.\n\nAMY\nThere's nothing to tell.\n\nJERRY\nThere isn't?\n\nAMY\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nOh... all right... wanna get some pizza?\n\n(Amy stands up and walks away)\n\nAMY\nI had a feeling this was to good to\nbe true.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nAMY\nI knew there had to be another side\nto you.\n\nJERRY\nNo, no, there's no side!\n\nAMY\nThere is a side, an ugly side.\n\nJERRY\nNo, no, no ugly side.\n\nAMY\nLook, I think I'm gonna go.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nAMY\nIt's really hot in here.\n\nJERRY\nUuh, so we can still go out on Friday\nthough?\n\nAMY\nYeah. When are you getting an air conditioner?\n\nJERRY\nIt's coming! It's a Commando 8! 12.000\nBTU's! It's gonna be like a meat locker\nin here.\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nJERRY\nI was an idiot for listening to you!\n\nGEORGE\nHey, I saw what I saw.\n\nJERRY\nOoh, everything was going so well. She\nhadn't seen any flaws in me. Now she\nsees a side.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat side?\n\nJERRY\nA bad side, an ugly side.\n\nGEORGE\nOoh, so what?\n\nJERRY\nSo what? I wasn't planning on showing\nthat side for another six months. Now\nyou make me throw off the whole learning\ncurve.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy don't you just ask Jeffrey?\n\nJERRY\nAh, he'd just deny it.\n\nGEORGE\nThere must be some way to find out.\n\nJERRY\nAmy said nothing happened.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, you're gonna take her word over\nmine? I'm your best friend!\n\nJERRY\nYeah, but you're blind as a bat!\n\nGEORGE\nI was squinting! Remember that drive\nfrom Wortsborough? I was spotting those\nraccoons.\n\nJERRY\nThey were mailboxes, you idiot. I didn't\nhave the heart to tell you.\n\nGEORGE\nHey look, a dime.\n\n(George walks over to the other end of the room and picks up\na dime)\n\nGEORGE\nMercury head. You mind?\n\nJERRY\n(Stunned:) No, keep it.\n\n(Elaine enters the apartment)\n\nJERRY\nHey what happened to you? You buzzed\nfive minutes ago.\n\nELAINE\nThere was a dog in front of the building\nand it spooked me. I couldn't come in\nuntil he left.\n\nJERRY\nA little white dog?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nSnowball? You were afraid of Snowball?\n\nELAINE\nI'm afraid of dogs now.\n\nJERRY\nHe's like a squirrel.\n\nELAINE\nWell he frightened me.\n\nGEORGE\nDid you get the shot?\n\nELAINE\nNo. He said I didn't need a shot.\n\nGEORGE\nYou got bit by a strange dog and you\ndidn't get a rabies shot?\n\nELAINE\nWhat, you think I should have?\n\n(George indicates 'yes')\n\nJERRY\nYou know, you should just go back to\nthe optical store and ask Dwayne if\nhe knows the name of the owner of the\ndog.\n\nELAINE\nAll right, that's a good idea. I'm gonna\ndo that.\n\n(Kramer enters the apartment)\n\nKRAMER\nThe AC is on his way.\n\nGEORGE\nPardon me, I went to see your friend\nDwayne... there was no discount.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nThat's right, no discount!\n\nKRAMER\nWell did you mention my name?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, I mentioned your name.\n\nKRAMER\nAnd?\n\nGEORGE\nBubkis!\n\nKRAMER\nNow I don't believe this. That guy owes\nme big time. I got him off sugar! Look,\nI'm gonna go down there with you right\nnow.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, let me just... I'm gonna\ngrap an apple.\n\nJERRY\nHey, Kramer, Elaine's afraid of Snowball!\n\nKRAMER\nLittle Snowball? He runs on batteries!\n\n(George takes a bite out of an union)\n\nELAINE\nYou know, George, that's an union.\n\nGEORGE\nYes it is.\n\n(And he takes another bite)\n\nELAINE\nHe couldn't tell an apple from an union\nand he's your eye witness?\n\nGEORGE\nI saw them making out, you can believe\nit.\n\nJERRY\nI don't know what to believe! You're\neating unions, you're spotting dimes,\nI don't know what the hell is going\non.\n\nKRAMER\nLook, all you gotta to is get Amy and\nJeffrey together somewhere, that's it.\n\nJERRY\nHey wait a second, wait a second. I'm\ngoing over to Jeffrey's apartment tomorrow\nnight to pick up these Paul Simon tickets.\nI'm gonna surprise Amy. All I gotta\ndo is bring her with me. And then when\nJeffrey opens the door, it's Howdy Doody\ntime.\n\nKRAMER\nRight this way, mister Doody!\n\nGEORGE\nYou'll see I'm right.\n\n(J & T Optical)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Dwayny.\n\nDWAYNE\nOh hello Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat is going on here?\n\nDWAYNE\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nKRAMER\nI'm talking about the thirty percent\ndiscount.\n\nELAINE\nUhm excuse me... uh... a man came in\nhere...\n\nGEORGE\nElaine, don't interrupt, they're discounting\nsomething.\n\nDWAYNE\nWho said anything about a discount.\n\nKRAMER\nOoh, how quickly we forget. You owe\nme buddy.\n\nDWAYNE\nFor what?\n\n(Kramer pulls out a candy bar)\n\nKRAMER\nRemember this?\n\nDWAYNE\nWhat are you doing?\n\nKRAMER\nSix months ago you were eating four\nof those for breakfast and chasing it\nwith a ring ding. And two butter fingers\non the train. Sounds familiar?\n\nDWAYNE\nPut that away!\n\nKRAMER\nRemember that night I found you at Dinky\nDonuts? You were all hopped up on cinnamon\nswirls! They wouldn't serve you anymore!\nYou wouldn't even have any teeth if\nit wasn't for me taking you over to\nJoe's fruit stand and stuff a cantaloupe\ndown your throat! So much for gratitude...\nyeah, yeah, yeah!\n\nDWAYNE\nAll right, all right, all right! I'll\ngive him the discount, just put that\nthing away! This squares us.\n\nELAINE\nCan I just have the name...\n\nDWAYNE\nOut!\n\nKRAMER\nWe'll see you Dwayne.\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(George shows Jerry his glasses)\n\nJERRY\nI don't know what to tell you, Elton.\n\nELAINE\n(While reading a book:) Oh oh, listen\nto this, this is not good, listen to\nthese symptoms for rabies: anxiety,\nirritability. I got those, I'm irritable!\n\nJERRY\n(To George:) Who picked these out?\n\nGEORGE\nI did!\n\nJERRY\nThey're ladies' glasses! All you need\nis that little chain around your neck\nso you can wear 'em while you're playing\nCanasta.\n\nGEORGE\nWell Elaine was supposed to help me.\n\n(Elaine runs over to George and starts screaming)\n\nELAINE\nHey! I got bit by a dog! I had to go\nto the hospital! I was bleeding to death!\nI can't solve every little problem you\nhave!\n\nJERRY\nHey, hey.\n\nELAINE\nI'm sorry... sorry.\n\n(Kramer enters the apartment with the air conditioner in his\narms)\n\nKRAMER\nCommando 8 has arrived!\n\nJERRY\nTake it to the window.\n\nKRAMER\n12.000 BTU's of raw cooling power.\n\n(Kramer places the air conditioner in the window)\n\nKRAMER\nInstalled!\n\nGEORGE\nThat's it? You don't have to screw it\nin or anything?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, just plug it in and the Commando\n8 does the rest. (And to Jerry:) I'll\nseal that up later, right?\n\nJERRY\nJust in time for Amy.\n\nGEORGE\nOh yeah, when are you gonna execute\nthat plead?\n\nELAINE\nI've got such a headache. Oh, that's\nanother symptom!\n\nKRAMER\nOf what?\n\nJERRY\nRabies.\n\nKRAMER\nOh that's fatal, you don't want that!\n\n(Elaine runs over to Kramer and starts screaming again)\n\nELAINE\nI know I don't want it! I don't need\nyou to tell me what I don't want, you\nstupid hipster dufus!\n\nJERRY\nHey, hey, what is this? What's going\non here?\n\nELAINE\nI'm sorry, Kramer, I'm sorry.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, it's all right. I had a friend\nwho had rabies once.\n\n(George's eating chips)\n\nKRAMER\nMay I have one of those, madam?\n\nGEORGE\nMadame? What are you calling me madam\nfor?\n\nKRAMER\nThey're ladies' glasses.\n\n(Kramer takes George's glasses and shows him the inside)\n\nKRAMER\nNow look here, see it's right here:\nGloria Vanderbilt Collection.\n\nGEORGE\nHe sold me ladies' glasses!\n\nELAINE\nI... I think I'm... I'm having trouble\nswallowing. I can't... I can't swallow.\n\nKRAMER\nShe's got rabies, just like my friend\nBob Sacamano. She's delirious.\n\n(Elaine drinks some water and drools)\n\nKRAMER\nShe's foaming at the mouth!\n\n(hospital)\n\nELAINE\nIs this gonna hurt?\n\nDOCTER\nYes, very much.\n\n(Elaine gets the shot)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nELAINE\nWhat if Jeffrey's not home. Did you\never think of that?\n\nJERRY\nOh he'll be home, it's Friday night.\nThat's the big night on the Nature Channel.\n\nELAINE\nLet me tell you this: there is no way\ncousin Jeffrey is dating Amy. He looks\nlike a horse!\n\nJERRY\nHe does look like a horse.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, he's got a real horse face. (Elaine,\nwhile looking out the window:) Here,\nlook at this! It's the guy with the\ndog! (She opens the window and screams:)\nHey! You down there! Remember me? I\nhad to get shot because of your stupid\ndog!\n\nDOG OWNER\nWho are you calling stupid?\n\nJERRY\nHey, shall we spit on him?\n\nELAINE\nNo no no no, come on, let's go downstairs.\n\n(Kramer enters the apartment)\n\nKRAMER\n(Singing:) Oh myyyy papayaaaa.\n\n(The air conditioner wobbles)\n\nKRAMER\nThe air conditioner!\n\n(Kramer tries to keep it from falling by holding it's cord, but\nit snaps)\n\nKRAMER\nI think it got the dog!\n\n(New York Health Club's locker room)\n\nGEORGE\nOh boy.\n\nBLIND MAN\nExcuse me, I'm new here, would you mind\nwalking me back to my locker?\n\nGEORGE\nOh uuh, sure, hang on. Hey, that's the\nguy.\n\nBLIND MAN\nWhat guy?\n\nGEORGE\nThe guy that stole my glasses. This\ntime I got 'em!\n\n(George follows the man onto the street, dragging the blind man\nwith him)\n\nGEORGE\nWould you pick it up a little?\n\nBLIND MAN\nWhere the hell are we going?\n\nGEORGE\nHe's getting on a bus, damn! (To the\nblind man:) Those are nice glasses.\n\nBLIND MAN\nI don't like 'em, they pinch my nose.\n\nGEORGE\nIs that really?\n\n(J & T Optical)\n\n(George has taken the blind man with him)\n\nGEORGE\nDwayne, my friend and I would like to\nexchange frames. Could you put his lenses\nin my frames and mine in his?\n\nDWAYNE\n(While eating a candy bar:) Yeah, we\ncan do that.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd I'd like a discount.\n\nDWAYNE\nWhy should I give you a discount.\n\nGEORGE\nListen, you're lucking I'm not asking\nfor a refund. You gave me ladies' frames!\n\nBLIND MAN\nWhat's that about ladies' frames?\n\n(The man with the dog enters and the dog wears a collar)\n\nDOG OWNER\nI'm trying to track down that lady that\nwas in here the other day, the one that\nwas messing with my dog.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, well, she's trying to track you\ndown.\n\nDOG OWNER\nWell I would love to talk with her.\nShe lives on 81st Street, right?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, that's Jerry.\n\nDOG OWNER\nReally? You wouldn't happen to know\nwhat apartment he's in, would you?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, 5A!\n\nDOG OWNER\nThanks a lot!\n\n(in front of Jeffrey's apartment)\n\nAMY\nSo what are we doing here?\n\nJERRY\nOh, you'll find out.\n\nAMY\nI don't know, you're acting very mysteriously.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I'm very mysterious by nature.\n\n(Jerry knocks on the door)\n\nJERRY\nA lot of women find that attractive.\n\nAMY\nI find it annoying.\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\n(Uncle Leo opens the door)\n\nUNCLE LEO\nHelloooo!\n\nJERRY\nUncle Leo!\n\nUNCLE LEO\nCome on in.\n\nJERRY\nThis is Amy.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nHello Amy.\n\nJERRY\nUnlce Leo, what are you doing here?\n\nUNCLE LEO\nJeffrey went out tonight.\n\nJERRY\nOoh! Very convenient.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nI'm supposed to tape this nature show\nfor him, he loves nature. Botany, zoology.\nYou know his botany teacher from college\nstays in close touch with him? They\nbecame friends!\n\nJERRY\nOh really?\n\nUNCLE LEO\nThat's pretty rare! I mean, actual friends!\nLike equals! They have dinner together,\nthey have discussings...\n\nJERRY\nUncle Leo! Did he leave any tickets\nhere for me?\n\nUNCLE LEO\nOh yeah yeah, I'll get 'em.\n\nJERRY\nThank you.\n\nAMY\nWhat tickets?\n\nJERRY\nTo the Paul Simon concert in the park!\n\nAMY\nWe're going to the Paul Simon concert?\n\nJERRY\nThat's right, lady!\n\nAMY\nOh what a great surprise!\n\nJERRY\nI thought you'd like that.\n\nAMY\nOooh, that's why you've been acting\nso mysteriously.\n\nJERRY\nNow you know. That, and that alone,\nis the reason.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nHear Jeffrey's favorite animal: the\nleopard.\n\nAMY\nWhy is that?\n\nUNCLE LEO\nHe likes the spots. Oh uh, here's the\ntickets.\n\nJERRY\nThank you.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nOh uh, he asked me to give you a message.\nHe said that he's very sorry and he\nhopes you'll forgive 'em.\n\nJERRY\n(To Amy:) Aha! So it's true! You were\nmaking out with him!\n\nAMY\nWhat are you talking about, I don't\nknow Jeffrey. Oh so this is why you\nbrought me up here?\n\nJERRY\nOh very convincing, but it's not gonna\nwork this time.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nWhat are you talking about? All he meant\nwas that he was sorry that the seats\naren't very good.\n\nJERRY\nOh... oh... wanna get some pizza?\n\n(in front of J & T Optical)\n\n(George is walking with the blind man)\n\nGEORGE\nWait, these really do pinch the nose.\n\n(George takes of his glasses)\n\nBLIND MAN\nTough luck! Deal's a deal.\n\nGEORGE\nOh my got it is them.\n\n(George puts on his glasses again and sees it's a woman kissing\na horse)\n\n(New York Health Club locker room)\n\nJERRY\nI still don't know how you spotted that\ndime. I think you planted it. Plus I've\ngot to pay that vet bill for the stupid\ndog. I don't know how that guy got my\nname.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Boy these really do pinch. I tell\nyou, if I ever find the son of a bitch\nthat stole my glasses...\n\n(The camera shows George's glasses on top of his locker)\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Sniffing-Accountant.html",
    "text": "THE SNIFFING ACCOUNTANT\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David & Jerry Seinfeld\n\n(Jerry, George and Elaine at Monk's Cafe)\n\nJERRY\nSo, does he like you?\n\nELAINE\nWhat do you think?\n\nJERRY\nYou like him?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, yeah like him, definitely like\nhim. I like him a lot.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's wrong with him?\n\nELAINE\nNothing, and I've looked.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I'm sure you'll find something.\n\nJERRY\nSo, how did you meet him?\n\nELAINE\nIn the office.\n\nJERRY\nSo, he's a writer.\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, big surprise.\n\nELAINE\nSo, I was sitting at the reception desk,\nI was looking pretty hot. I was wearing\nmy sling back pumps.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are those?\n\nELAINE\nAsk your mother, you live with her now,\ndon't you? Anyway, so then this guy\ncomes up to me and starts feeling my\njacket through his thumb and his forefinger\n\nlike this.\n\nJERRY\nSo, what did you do?\n\nELAINE\nI said: \"So, what do you think?\". And\nhe said, \"Gabardine?\". And I said, \"Yeah.\"\nThat was it.\n\nGEORGE\nWow, just felt your material?\n\nELAINE\nYeah...Jake Jarmel.\n\nGEORGE\nSounds like a cool guy.\n\nJERRY\nSounds like a jerk. Felt your material,\ncome on.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, where did you get that sweater?\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you think? I found it at the\nback of my closet.\n\nGEORGE\nI think that's what the back of closets\nare for.\n\nElaine looks out the window\n\nELAINE\nHey, that's Barry. Look it's Barry.\n\nJERRY\nHey...\n\nELAINE\nHi.\n\nGEORGE\nWho's that?\n\nJERRY\nThat's Barry Prophet, he's our accountant.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know how you can let this guy\nhandle all your money.\n\nELAINE\nOh, he doesn't handle my money, he handles\nJerry's money. He just does my taxes.\n\nBarry comes in\n\nJERRY\nHey Barry, how you doing? This is my\nfriend George.\n\nBARRY\nHi George.\n\nELAINE\nHi, what are you doing on this neighborhood?\n\nBARRY\nNothing really. sniffs You, eh, you\neat here?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, so how's my money?\n\nBARRY\nStill green. sniffs\n\nJERRY\nWhat, you got a cold?\n\nBARRY\nNo, no.\n\nELAINE\nWow, look at that ring.\n\nBARRY\nOh, you like that? sniffs Say, where's\nthe bathroom?\n\nJERRY\nBathroom, bathroom is right over there.\n\nBarry goes to bathroom\n\nJERRY\nDid you see that?\n\nELAINE\nSee what?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, I saw that.\n\nJERRY\nWhat was all that sniffing?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know.\n\nJERRY\nYou don't think...?\n\nELAINE\nOh, no! Come on Jerry.\n\nGEORGE\nHe was definitely sniffing.\n\nJERRY\nI mean what if, what if, this this guy\nhas got all my money. Plus he has got\nsome Kramer's money with him. This guy\ncan write checks to himself right out\nof my account.\n\nELAINE\nI have known this guy since college.\nHe doesn't do drugs.\n\nJERRY\nThen, what was all that sniffing?\n\nELAINE\nMaybe it's the cold weather.\n\nJERRY\nToday is not cold.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, I've got to get going. My\nparents are expecting me.\n\nELAINE\nDon't forget to wash your hands before\nsupper.\n\nCostanza's. George, Estelle and Frank are eating dinner. George\nis pounding a ketchup bottle.\n\nFRANK\nWhy do you need all that ketchup for?\n\nGEORGE\nThis is my ketchup. I bought this ketchup\njust so I could have as much as I want.\n\nFRANK\nSo, I talked to Phil Casacof today.\n\nESTELLE\nPhil Casacof?\n\nFRANK\nYeah, you know my friend, the bra salesman.\nHe says they are looking maybe to put\nsomebody on so I got you an interview\nnext Friday with his boss.\n\nGEORGE\nNext Friday, what time?\n\nFRANK\n2 o'clock.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's my whole afternoon! I was going\nto look for sneakers.\n\nFRANK\nYou can look for sneakers the next day!\n\nESTELLE\nHe doesn't know anything about bras.\n\nGEORGE\nI know a little. Besides, what do you\nhave to know?\n\nFRANK\nWell, it wouldn't hurt to go in the\nand be able to discuss it intelligently.\nMaybe you should take a look at a few\nbras? Where is you bra? Give him a bra\nto look.\n\nESTELLE\nI am not giving him a bra.\n\nFRANK\nWhy not?\n\nESTELLE\nBecause I don't need him looking at\nmy bra.\n\nFRANK\nWhy, so he'll go to the interview and\nhe wouldn't know what he's talking about!?!\n\nGEORGE\nDo we have to...?\n\nFRANK\nYou don't even know what they're made\nfrom.\n\nGEORGE\nThey are made from lycra-spandex.\n\nFRANK\nGet out of here! Lycra-spandex?\n\nESTELLE\nI think they are made from lycra-spandex.\n\nFRANK\nWanna bet? How much you wanna bet?\n\nESTELLE\nI'm not betting!\n\nFRANK\nTake a look.\n\nESTELLE\nAll right, I'll get a bra.\n\nFRANK\nI don't know what the big problem is\ngetting a bra?!\n\nGEORGE\nShe doesn't want to get a bra.\n\nFRANK\nI'm not saying go to the library and\nread the whole history, but it wouldn't\nkill you to know a little bit about\nit.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, it wouldn't kill me.\n\nFRANK\nHow long it takes to find a bra? What's\ngoing on in there? You ask me to get\na pair of underwear, I'm back in two\nseconds...you know about the cup sizes\nand all? They have different cups.\n\nGEORGE\nI-I know about the cups.\n\nFRANK\nYou got the A, B, C the D. That's the\nbiggest.\n\nGEORGE\nI know the D is the biggest. I've based\nmy whole life on knowing that the D\nis the biggest.\n\nESTELLE\nHere, here's the bra.\n\nFRANK\nLet me see it.\n\nFRANK\nLet me see it.\n\nESTELLE\nI told you. Here, think you know everything?\n\nFRANK\nHmm, that's surprising. All right, what\nelse? You got the cups in the front,\ntwo loops in the back. All right, a\nguess that's about it.\n\nGEORGE\nI got it. Cups in the front, loops in\nthe back.\n\nESTELLE\nYou got ketchup on it!\n\nGeorge takes his plate and the ketchup and leaves.\n\n-\n\n5A. Jerry and Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nSniffing, what do you mean sniffing?\n\nJERRY\nSniffing, with his nose.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, he probably had a cold.\n\nJERRY\nNo, I asked him.\n\nKRAMER\nSo, what are you saying?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, you know, what if...?\n\nKRAMER\nDrugs? You think he's on drugs?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know. All I know he was sniffing.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, listen, we went in on a CD together.\n\nJERRY\nI know.\n\nKRAMER\nAnd Newman gave you money too. I didn't\neven meet this guy. We trusted you.\n\nJERRY\nLook, it doesn't necessarily mean anything\nyet, it just means he was sniffing.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, what else? Was he nervous? Did\nhe use a lot of slang? Did he use the\nword 'man'?\n\nJERRY\nNo, he didn't use 'man'.\n\nKRAMER\nI mean when he was leaving did he say\nI'm splittin' ?\n\nJERRY\nNo, but in one point he did use the\nbathroom.\n\nKRAMER\nWhoh!\n\nJERRY\nDo you think that's a bad sign?\n\nKRAMER\nYes!! Yes, that's what they do! They\nlive in the bathroom! All right, what\nare we going to do? We are going to\nget our money back, right?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know. This sweater really itches\nme. You want it?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nElaine's apartment. Jake is there and Elaine comes in.\n\nELAINE\nHello.... hello, oh...\n\nJAKE\nWell, you notice anything?\n\nELAINE\nYou have cleaned out the whole apartment\nand you're making dinner. Oh, you are\na perfect, you are a perfect man.\n\nJake feels Elaine's coat material.\n\nJAKE\nOoh...\n\nELAINE\nDid anyone call?\n\nJAKE\nI got a few messages, I wrote them down.\n\nELAINE\nWhere are they?\n\nJAKE\nLets see, they are...here they are.\n\nELAINE\nThank you. Heh, I'll call you back.Ooh,\nMyra had the baby! Oh, my God that's\nwonderful! Who called?\n\nJAKE\nShe did.\n\nELAINE\nShe did? Oh, that's so great!\n\nJAKE\nWhere do you keep the corkscrew?\n\nELAINE\nIn the drawer on the right. Hmm...\n\nJAKE\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nOh it's nothing.\n\nJAKE\nWhat is it?\n\nELAINE\nIt's nothing.\n\nJAKE\nTell me.\n\nELAINE\nWell, I was just curious why you didn't\nuse an exclamation point?\n\nJAKE\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nELAINE\nSee, right here you wrote \"Myra had\nthe baby\", but you didn't use an exclamation\npoint.\n\nJAKE\nSo?\n\nELAINE\nSo, it's nothing. Forget it, forget\nit, I just find it curious.\n\nJAKE\nWhat's so curious about it?\n\nELAINE\nWell, I mean if one of your close friends\nhad a baby and I left you a message\nabout it, I would use an exclamation\npoint.\n\nJAKE\nWell, maybe I don't use my exclamation\npoints as haphazardly as you do.\n\nELAINE\nYou don't think that someone having\na baby warrants an exclamation point.\n\nJAKE\nHey, I just chalked down the message.\nI didn't know I was required to capture\nthe mood of each caller.\n\nELAINE\nI just thought you would be a little\nmore excited about a friend of mine\nhaving a baby.\n\nJAKE\nOk, I'm excited. I just don't happen\nto like exclamation points.\n\nELAINE\nWell, you know Jake, you should learn\nto use them. Like the way I'm talking\nright now, I would put an exclamation\npoints at the end of all these sentences!\nOn this one! And on that one!\n\nJAKE\nWell, you can put one on this one: I'm\nleaving!\n\n5A. Jerry and Elaine\n\nJERRY\nYou're out of your mind you know that.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nIt's an exclamation point! It's a line\nwith a dot under it.\n\nELAINE\nWell, I felt a call for one.\n\nJERRY\nA call for one, you know I thought I've\nheard everything. I've never heard a\nrelationship being affected by a punctuation.\n\nELAINE\nI found it very troubling that he didn't\nuse one.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge was right. Didn't take you long.\n\nKramer enters\n\nKRAMER\nAnything new on that guy on drugs?\n\nELAINE\nHe's not on drugs.\n\nKRAMER\nThen why the sniffing? Who walks around\nsniff, sniff sniffing?\n\nELAINE\nAll right, here, you call him right\nnow. See if he's sniffing right now.\n\nJERRY\nGood idea.\n\nVOICE ON THE PHONE\nProphet and Goldstein.\n\nJERRY\nYes, I'd like to speak to Barry Prophet,\nplease.\n\nVOICE\nI'm sorry he's out of town.\n\nJERRY\nOut of town?\n\nVOICE\nYes, he went to South America.\n\nJERRY\nSouth America?\n\nKRAMER\nSouth America?\n\nJERRY\nI'll call back, thank you. He went to\nSouth America!\n\nKRAMER\nYyyeeaaah!!\n\nELAINE\nSo what?\n\nJERRY\nWho goes to South America?\n\nELAINE\nPeople go to South America.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, and they come back with things\ntaped to they're large intestine.\n\nELAINE\nSo, because of a few bad apples you're\ngonna impugn an entire continent?\n\nJERRY\nYes, I'm impugning a continent.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I say we're going to take our\nmoney right now!\n\nNewman enters\n\nNEWMAN\nHey, hey...\n\nJERRY\nHello Newman.\n\nNEWMAN\nHello Jerry. So, any news?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, he skipped out and ptruut went\nto South America!\n\nNEWMAN\nSouth America?! What kind of snow blower\ndid you get us mixed up with?\n\nELAINE\nOk, gentlemen. The fact remains you\nstill have no proof. This is all speculation\nand hearsay.\n\nKRAMER\nWait, there is one way to find out.\nWe set up a sting. You know like Abscam.\nLike Abscam Jerry.\n\nELAINE\nWhat are you gonna do? You gonna put\non a phony beard and dress-up like Arab\nsheiks and sit around in some hotel\nroom. I mean come on...\n\nJERRY\nWait a second. Maybe there is someway\nwe can tempt him and find out...\n\nNEWMAN\nIf we put our three heads together we\nshould come up with something.\n\n-\n\nJerry, Kramer and Newman in the Saab\n\nKRAMER\nWhat's today?\n\nNEWMAN\nIt's Thursday.\n\nKRAMER\nReally? Feels like Tuesday.\n\nNEWMAN\nTuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel,\nFriday has a feel, Sunday has a feel....\n\nKRAMER\nI feel Tuesday and Wednesday...\n\nJERRY\nAll right, shut up the both of you!\nYou're making me nervous. Where is he\nalready? He should've been out of work\nby now.\n\nNEWMAN\nHey, you know this is kind of fun.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, maybe we oughta become private\ndetectives...\n\nJERRY\nYeah maybe you should.\n\nKRAMER\nMaybe I will.\n\nNEWMAN\nYeah, me too.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, what are you gonna say to\nhim?\n\nKRAMER\nJust gonna find out if he's interested.\n\nNEWMAN\nHey, hey maybe I should go with him?\n\nJERRY\nNo, you stay in the car.\n\nNEWMAN\nWho made you the leader?\n\nJERRY\nAll right Newman, one more peep out\nof you and you're out of the whole operation!\nThere he is. He's going to that bar.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, I'm going in.\n\nJERRY\nBe careful Kramer.\n\nNEWMAN\nI've should've gone in with him.\n\nJERRY\nNo, you stay here in the car. I may\nneed you.\n\nNEWMAN\nWhat you need me in the car for?\n\nJERRY\nI might need you to get me a soda.\n\nIn the bar. Barry is drinking by the counter. Kramer enters.\n\nKRAMER\nI'll have a brewsky, Charlie.\n\nBARTENDER\nName's Mitch.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, there's nothing like a cold one\nafter a long day, eh?\n\nBARRY\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah, I've been known to drink a\nbeer or two. But then again, I've been\nknown to do a lot of things.\n\nWaiter opens the counter which hits Kramer on the head\n\nKRAMER\nCigarette?\n\nBARRY\nNo, I never touch them.\n\nKRAMER\nI suck'em down like Coca-Cola. Well\nhere's to feeling good all the time.\n\nKramer drinks the beer and smokes the cigarette at the same time\n\nBarry sniffs\n\nKRAMER\nLooks like you've got yourself a little\ncold there, eh?\n\nBARRY\nI don't think so.\n\nKRAMER\nMe neither.\n\nKramer puts the cigarette wrong way to his mouth\n\nBack in the car with Jerry and Newman.\n\nJERRY\nYou should try this new dental floss\nGlide, it's fantastic.\n\nNEWMAN\nI use dental tape.\n\nJERRY\nYou should try this.\n\nNEWMAN\nI don't wanna.\n\nJERRY\nNot even once?\n\nNEWMAN\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nYou're an idiot.\n\nNEWMAN\nWhy, because I use dental tape?\n\nJERRY\nRight, anyone who uses dental tape is\nan idiot.\n\nBack in the bar.\n\nKRAMER\nSouth America?\n\nBARRY\nYeah, yeah.\n\nKRAMER\nThat's importuning(?) continent.\n\nBARRY\nThey are expanding their economic base.\n\nKRAMER\nTell me about it.\n\nBARRY\nExcuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm hip.\n\nBARRY\nHip to the what?\n\nKRAMER\nTo the whole scene. sniff\n\nBARRY\nWhat scene?\n\nKRAMER\nThe bathroom scene. sniff, sniff\n\nBARRY\nListen, don't take this personally,\nbut when I'm coming back I'm sitting\nover there.\n\nBack in the car. Newman takes a dental floss out of his mouth.\n\nNEWMAN\nNo, no I don't like it.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you mean you don't like it?\nHow could you not like it?\n\nNEWMAN\nI like the thick tape.\n\nNewman puts dental floss on the dashboard. Jerry looks disgusted.\n\nThe bar. Kramer enters the bathroom, kicks the door open and\ntakes a photograph.\n\nBARRY\nHeeyy!! What kind of a nut are you?\n\nGeorge's job interview.\n\nFARKUS\nSo, basically the job here is quite\nsimple. Selling bras.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, that interests me very much Mr.\nFarkus.Very much indeed, sir.\n\nFARKUS\nHave you ever sold a woman's line before?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, but I have very good repute with\nwomen, very good, top form. And the\nfirst time I laid my I on brassieres\nI was enthralled.\n\nFARKUS\nHum. tell me about it.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I was 14 years old. I was in my\nfriends bathroom. His mother's brassieres\nwere hanging on the shower rod. I picked\nit up, studied it. I thought, I like\nthis. I didn't know what way or what\nlevel, but I knew: I wanted to be around\nbrassieres.\n\nFARKUS\nThat's incredible story. You have a\nremarkable passion for brassieres.\n\nGEORGE\nThey are more than an underwear to me\nMr.Farkus. Two cups in the front, two\nloops in the back. How do they do it?\n\nFARKUS\nWell, I think I can say, barring some\nunforeseen incident, that you'll have\na very bright future here at ED Granmont.\n\nGEORGE\nThank you Mr.Farkus, thank you very\nmuch indeed.\n\nFARKUS\nSee you monday 9 o'clock.\n\nGEORGE\nIf you don't mind, sir. I'll be here\nat 8.\n\nFARKUS\nExcellent.\n\nGEORGE\nSo long, Mr. Farkus.\n\nGeorge leaves the office and goes to the elevator. A women there\nis waiting for the elevator. George felts her blouse material.\n\nMS. DE GRANMONT\nWhat you're think you're doing?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, nothing...\n\nMS. DE GRANMONT\nFarkus, get out here!\n\nFARKUS\nYes, Ms. De Granmont?\n\nMS. DE GRANMONT\nWho is this pervert little weasel?\n\nFARKUS\nThis is Costanza, he's our new bra salesman.\nHe's supposed to start on monday.\n\nMS. DE GRANMONT\nIf he's here on monday, you're not.\nTake a pick.\n\nFARKUS TO GEORGE\nGet out!\n\n-\n\nPendant publishing. Elaine is at Lippman's office.\n\nELAINE\nYou wanted to see me, Mr. Lippman?\n\nLIPPMAN\nI was just going over the Jake Jarmel\nbook and I understand you worked with\nhim very closely.\n\nELAINE\nYes, krhm, yes I did.\n\nLIPPMAN\nAnd, anyway I was just reading your\nfinal edit, um, there seems to be an\ninordinate number of exclamation points.\n\nELAINE\nWell, I felt that the writing lacked\ncertain emotion and intensity.\n\nLIPPMAN\nOh, \"It was damp and chilly afternoon,\nso I decided to put on my sweatshirt!\"\n\nELAINE\nRight, well...\n\nLIPPMAN\nYou put exclamation point after sweatshirt?\n\nELAINE\nThat's that's correct, I-I felt that\nthe character doesn't like to be ch-ch-chilly...\n\nLIPPMAN\nI see, \"I pulled the lever on the machine,\nbut the Clark bar didn't come out!\"\nExclamation point?\n\nELAINE\nWell, yeah, you know how frustrating\nthat can be when you keep putting quarters\nand quarters in to machine and then\nprrt nothing comes out...\n\nLIPPMAN\nGet rid of the exclamation points...\n\nELAINE\nOk, ok ok ...\n\nLIPPMAN\nI hate exclamation points...\n\nELAINE\n...ok I'll just....\n\n--\n\n5A. Jerry, Kramer, Newman writing a letter. Elaine reads on the\ncouch.\n\nJERRY\n'Dear Barry. Consider this letter to\nbe official termination of our relationship\neffective immediately.'\n\nKRAMER\nExclamation point.\n\nELAINE\nYou still have no proof.\n\nKRAMER\nElaine, he was sniffing like crazy around\nme.\n\nJERRY\n'I will expect all funds in form of\ncashier checks no later than the 18th'.\n\nKRAMER\nDouble exclamation point!\n\nNEWMAN\nWill that take care of ours too?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I'll give you yours as soon as\nI get my money back.\n\nNEWMAN\nHey, you want me to mail it? I'm on\nmy way out anyway.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, thanks.\n\nNEWMAN\nIt'll be my pleasure.\n\nKramer puts the photograph to the envelope. Newman and Kramer\nlaughs and Newman leaves.\n\nNEWMAN\nSee'ya later.\n\nJERRY\nYou know this...\n\nKnock on the door. It's pizzaguy\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Ralph.\n\nJERRY\nHi Ralph.\n\nRALPH\nWhat's up fellows? That'll be 14,30.\n\nJERRY\nAll right.\n\nKRAMER\nMushrooms, you got mushrooms Jerry?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nRalph sniffs and rubs his eyes.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat's the matter? You've got a cold?\n\nRALPH\nNo Kramer, what is this?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's a sweater.\n\nRALPH\nWhat's it made out of?\n\nKRAMER\nI don't know, Jerry gave it to me.\n\nJERRY\nMohair, I think.\n\nRALPH\nMohair, that figures, I'm allergic to\nmohair.\n\nJERRY\nYou mean you just started sniffing?\n\nRALPH\nYeah, mohair does it to me every time.\n\nRalph leaves\n\nJERRY\nI was wearing that sweater in the coffee\nshop when Barry came in.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, I was wearing it in the bar.\n\nELAINE\nThe sweater! The sweater made him sniff!\nI told you he wasn't a drug addict.\n\nJERRY\nOh no! The letter, Newman, it's got\nexclamation points all over it!\n\nKRAMER\nNot to mention the picture of him on\nthe toilet.\n\nJerry leaves the door and comes back second later\n\nJERRY\nThe what??\n\nNewman is taking the letter to the mailbox. There's a woman at\nsame time at the letterbox.\n\nNEWMAN\nAfter you.\n\nWOMAN\nThank you.\n\nNewman feels the woman's coat material.\n\nWOMAN\nGet your hands off of me! Johnny!!!\nJohnny!\n\nNewman rushes away dropping the letter on the ground.\n\nCostanza's\n\nFRANK\nWhat do you mean you felt the material?\nWhat, with your fingers like this?\n\nGEORGE\nSo what, what is so bad about that?\n\nESTELLE\nWho goes around feeling people's material?\nWhat can be gained feeling a person's\nmaterial? It's insanity!\n\nFRANK\nWhat ever happened to \"Why, that's a\nlovely dress you have on. May I have\nthis dance?\"!!\n\nAt the cafe. Kramer and Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nYou are really lucky Newman never mailed\nthat letter.\n\nJERRY\nSorry I'm late, I just came from a meeting\nwith my lawyer.\n\nELAINE\nWhat is this?\n\nJERRY\nIt's a letter from your friend Barry\nProphet's lawyer.\n\nELAINE\nHe is filing a chapter eleven. Why,\nwhat's going on, why is he filing a\nchapter eleven?\n\nJERRY\nBankruptcy, bankruptcy...as in I've\ntaken your money and spent it on drugs!\n\nELAINE\nWhat do you mean, I thought it was the\nsweater.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, What about the money?\n\nJERRY\nWhat about the money? Apparently if\nI had dissolved my relationship with\nhim prior to his filing chapter eleven,\nI've could've got the money back. Which\nI\n\nwould've done, if for certain imbecile had been able to get to\na mailbox and mail a letter!!\n\nNewman enters and goes to the counter.\n\nNEWMAN\nPair of bear claws, please.\n\nJerry approaches Newman, but some women comes between and feels\nJerry's shirt.\n\nWOMAN\nNice.\n\nJERRY\nThink so?\n\nWOMAN\nYeah, what is it?\n\nJERRY\nHalf silk, half cotton, half linen.\nHow can you go wrong?\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Bris.html",
    "text": "THE BRIS\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry Charles\n\nINT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY (1)\n\nSTAN\n...And so the baby's head comes\n\nout, and I'm screaming and my\n\nbrother who's been videotaping\nthe\n\nwhole thing turns green, his eyes\n\nroll up in his head and he blacks\n\nout, drops the camera, the camera\n\nbreaks, then, the placenta comes\n\nflying out.\n\nELAINE\nWhoa.\n\nSTAN\nAnd then doctor says...\n\nJERRY\nThank you, that's enough.\n\nJERRY AND ELAINE EXCHANGE GLANCE.\nMYRA IS BREAST FEEDING. JERRY WINCES, HE CAN'T WATCH.\nHE IS VISIBLY UNSETTLED.\n\nSTAN\nWill you look at that baby. Sucking\nlike there's no tomorrow.\n\nJust sucking away. Suck, suck,\nsuck...\n\nJERRY\n(LOOKING AWAY) Yeah, yeah, yeah.\n\nSTAN\nLook at that JERRY, look at that.\nSucking, sucking...\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I looked. I saw.\n\nSTAN\nThis doesn't make you uncomfortable,\ndoes it?\n\nJERRY\nUncomfortable? Not at all. (ASIDE\nTO ELAINE) See your friend's\nwife's breast sticking out - why\nwould that make me\nuncomfortable?\n\nSTAN\nLook at him.\n\nJERRY\nHow long do they do that?\n\nSTAN\nOh, a year or two.\n\nJERRY\nNo break?\n\nSTAN\nThen comes the weaning.\n\nJERRY\nSo after the sucking, comes the\nweaning.\n\nELAINE\nFirst the sucking then the weaning.\n\nJERRY\nWell, you gotta wean.\n\nSTAN\nGotta wean.\n\nELAINE\nIt's a must wean situation.\n\nPAUSE.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about that spot I got?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, that's a great spot.\n\nGEORGE\nYou open the door to the car, boom,\nyou walk right into the\n\nhospital. You can't beat that spot.\nI'm on a roll. I am just\n\nwilling these great parking spots.\nIn front of my house. In front\n\nof JERRY's building. Did I tell\nyou about the spot in front of\n\nthe post office?\n\nJERRY\nYes.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm driving to the post office.\n\nJERRY\n\n(INTERRUPTING) GEORGE.\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe the baby would like to see\nmy spot. A positive, uplifting\n\nmessage to start his life out with.\nYou can still get a great\n\nspace in this town - if you apply\nyourself.\n\nJERRY\nWhere's KRAMER? He should've been\nhere by now.\n\nELAINE\nDid you give him the room number?\n\nJERRY\nYes, 1397.\n\nCUT TO:\n(KRAMER, Patient, Orderlies)\n\nACT ONE\n\nSCENE B\n\nINT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - DAY 1\n\nKRAMER, WANDERING.\n\nKRAMER\n\n1937, 1937, 1937...\n\nA WANDERING PATIENT STOPS HIM\n\nPATIENT\nExcuse me. Do you know where the\nstaircase is?\n\nKRAMER LOOKS AROUND.\n\nKRAMER\nUh.. over there...\n\nPATIENT SMILES AND EXITS. KRAMER\nWALKS A BIT FURTHER AND FINDS\n\nWHAT HE THINKS IS THE STAN'S ROOM.\n\nKRAMER (CONT'D)\n\n1937.\n\nHE ENTER THE ROOM. TWO ORDERLIES\nRUN DOWN THE HALL, FRANTICALLY\n\nSEARCHING FOR SOMEONE.\n\nCUT TO:\n\nACT ONE\n\nSCENE C\n\nIN HOSPITAL ROOM #2 - DAY 1\n\nKRAMER LOOKS AROUND. THERE IS A\nPATIENT BEHIND A CURTAIN. OUTSIDE\n\nTHE CURTAIN IS A TRAY OF FOOD.\nHE PICKS UP THE TRAY. KRAMER IS\n\nHUNGRY AND LIKES HOSPITAL FOOD\nTO BOOT. AS HE STUFF HIS FACE,\nHE\n\nBECOMES AWARE OF A STRANGE SOUND\nEMANATING FROM BEHIND THE\n\nCURTAIN. IT SOUNDS LIKE THE \"OINK\"\nOR \"SQUEAL\" OF A PIG. HIS\n\nCURIOSITY GETTING THE BEST OF HIM,\nWITH HIS MOUTH FULL, HE STEPS\n\nINSIDE THE PARTITIONED AREA. A\nBEAT. THEN HE COMES BURSTING OUT,\n\nSPITTING FOOD AND SCREAMING.\n\nKRAMER\nPig man! It's a pig man! Pig man!\n\nCUT TO:\n(JERRY, ELAINE, GEORGE, STAN, Myra,\nKRAMER (Steven)\n\nACT ONE\n\nSCENE D\n\nINT HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY 1\n\nSTAN\n..So anyway, JERRY and ELAINE,\nwe have something we want to ask\n\nyou.\n\nGEORGE\nLook at it. I pulled it in perfectly\nequidistant from the car in\n\nfront of me and the car behind\nme.\n\nJERRY\nWill you shut up.\n\nELAINE\nI'm taking a cab home. I can't\ntake it anymore.\n\nJERRY\nSo what were you about to say,\nSTAN?\n\nSTAN\nMyra and I would like you and ELAINE\nto be the Godparents of\n\nSteven.\n\nELAINE\nWow.\n\nJERRY\nMe? A godfather?\n\nSTAN\nYes.\n\nJERRY\n(A LA DON CORLEONE) Never go against\nthe family, ELAINE.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER ENTERS.\n\nKRAMER\nThe pig-man! I saw a pig-man! He\nwas just lying there and then he\n\nwoke up. He looked up at me and\nmade this horrible sound (MAKES\n\nSOUND).\n\nGEORGE\nKRAMER, what the hell are you talking\nabout?\n\nKRAMER\nI'm talking about the pigman, GEORGE.\nI went into the wrong room\n\nand there he was.\n\nGEORGE\nA pigman?\n\nKRAMER\nYes, a pigman. Half pig, half man.\n\nELAINE\nThat's nice, KRAMER... So, anyway,\nwhat exactly is involved in\n\nbeing a Godparent?\n\nJERRY\n(A LA DON CORLEIONE) ELAINE, don't\never ask me about my\n\nbusiness!.... (SHEEPISH) \"Godfather.\"\n\nMYRA\nNothing really.\n\nSTAN\nThe most important thing is to\nhelp with the bris.\n\nJERRY\nThe bris?\n\nELAINE\nThe bris?\n\nKRAMER\nA bris? you mean snip snip?\n\nSTAN\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\nI would advise against that.\n\nELAINE\nKRAMER. It's a tradition.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, so was sacrificing virgins\nto appease the gods, but we\n\ndon't do that anymore.\n\nJERRY\nWell, maybe we should.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy are all those people milling\naround my car?\n\nKRAMER\nI don't know.\n\nJERRY\nMaybe they're admiring your spot.\n\nKRAMER\nNo. They're all looking up.\n\nGEORGE.\nOh my god, there's somebody on\nthe roof of the hospital.\n\nKRAMER\nWhoa. That's the guy who asked\nme where the staircase was.\n\nGEORGE\nJeez, I hope he doesn't.. Oh no!\n\nBY EVERYONE'S REACTION WE SEE HE\nHAS JUMPED. THEN WE HEAR THE\n\nTHUD OF THE PATIENT ON GEORGE'S\nCAR.\n\nGEORGE\nMy car! My car!\n\nGEORGE RACES OUT OF THE ROOM.\n\nCUT TO:\n\n(JERRY GEORGE, ELAINE, KRAMER)\n\nACT ONE\n\nSCENE E\n\nINT JERRY'S APARTMENT DAY (2)\n\nJERRY, ELAINE AND KRAMER WHO SITS\nHIS FACE BURIED IN THE\n\nNEWSPAPER, IGNORING THE OTHERS.\n\nELAINE\nA mohel! What the hell is a mohel?\n\nJERRY\nA mohel is the person who performs\nthe circumcision.\n\nELAINE\nWhere am I going to find a Mohel?\n\n(LOOKING THROUGH THE YELLOW PAGES,\nMUTTERING) How do you find a\n\nmohel? Motels, models..\n\nJERRY\nOh, finding a Mohel is a piece\nof cake. Any idiot can find a\n\nMohel. I have the tough job. I\nhave to hold the baby while they\n\ndo it. How would you like that\njob?\n\nELAINE\nHave you ever seen one?\n\nJERRY\nYou mean that wasn't -\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nNo.. you?\n\nELAINE\nYa.\n\nJERRY\nWhat'd you think?\n\nELAINE\n(SHAKES HER HEAD) No...\n\nJERRY\nNot good?\n\nELAINE\nNo, had no face, no personality,\nvery dull. It was like a\n\nmartian. But hey, that's me.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nGEORGE ENTERS WITH ESTIMATE.\n\nGEORGE\nWell I just got the estimate. It's\ngoing to cost more to fix that\n\nroof than the car's worth, So I'm\ngonna go see the hospital\n\nadministrator today. Someone's\npaying for that damage and it's\n\nnot gonna be me.\n\nJERRY\nAh, you're screwed.\n\nGEORGE\nI know, swan dives from twenty\nfloors, lands right on to it. What\n\ndo I have a bulls eye on there?\nHe couldn't move over two feet?\n\nLand on the sidewalk. That's city\nproperty.\n\nWhat are the chances, what are\nthe odds? He couldn't do it again\n\nif his life depended on it...\n\nELAINE\nWell I have to interview a Mohel.\n\nJERRY\nOh, poor ELAINE. Look at her. Attended\nthe finest finishing\n\nschools on the Eastern seaboard.\nEquestrian competitions.\n\nDebutante balls. Well, look at\nyou now. Interviewing Mohels.\n\nSUDDENLY, KRAMER ENTERS, HOLDING\nTHE PAPER, EXPLODES WITH A SPASM\n\nOF REVELATION.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's the matter?\n\nELAINE\nAre you alright?\n\nKRAMER\nDon't even question my instincts,\nbecause my instincts are honed.\n\n(RE:PAPER) Look at that.\n\nJERRY\nWhat now?\n\nHE SHOWS JERRY THE PAPER\n\nJERRY (CONT'D)\n\"Hospital receives grant to conduct\nDNA research\"..\" Government\n\nfunds genetic research at area\nhospital\" ... Yeah, so?\n\nKRAMER\nPigman, baby. Pigman.\n\nELAINE\nOh, if I hear about this pigman\none more time...\n\nKRAMER\nI'm tellin ya the pigman is alive.\nThe governments been\n\nexperimenting with pigmen since\nthe fifties.\n\nJERRY\nWill you stop it. Just because\na hospital gets a grant to study\n\nDNA doesn't mean they are creating\na race of mutant pigmen.\n\nKRAMER\nOh. JERRY wake up to reality. It's\nmilitary thing. They're\n\nprobably creating a whole army\nof pig warriors.\n\nGEORGE\nI wish there were pigmen. You get\na few of these pigmen walking\n\naround I'm looking a whole lot\nbetter. Then if somebody wants\nto\n\nfix me up at least they could say,\n\"Hey he's no pig-man!\"\n\nJERRY\nBelieve me, there'd be plenty of\nwomen going for the pig-men. No\n\nmatter what the deformity you'll\nfind some group of perverts\n\nattracted to it. \"Oo that little\ntail turns me on.\"\n\nELAINE GROANS AND HEADS FOR THE\nDOOR.\n\nELAINE\n(MUMBLES) Alright, that's about\nenough\n\nJERRY\nOh, what's the matter you're not\ninterested in this?\n\nELAINE\nNo, it's fascinating, could you\ndo me a favor, could you tape the\n\nrest of the pigmen and the women\nwho love them discussion and\n\nI'll listen to it next time I'm\nhere. I've got to find a Mohel.\n\nKRAMER\nYou should call this off, ELAINE.\nIt's a barbaric ritual.\n\nELAINE\nPerhaps one day when the pigmen\nroam free it will be stopped.\n\nUntil then, off with their heads.\n\nELAINE LEAVES.\n\nGEORGE\nBut KRAMER, isn't it a question\nof hygiene?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, that's a myth. Besides, you\nknow, it makes sex more\n\npleasurable.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. So how does that help me?\n\nJERRY\n(TO GEORGE) Hey GEORGE, have you\never seen one?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, my roommate in college.\n\nJERRY\nSo what'd you think?\n\nGEORGE\nI got used to it.\n\nDISSOLVE TO:\n\nACT ONE\n\nSCENE G\n\n(JERRY, GEORGE, KRAMER)\n\nINT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR DAY 2\n\nJERRY AND KRAMER ENTER. PEOPLE\nPASS IN HALLWAY.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, I'm waiting. I want to\nsee the pig-man. Show me the pig-\n\nman.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, don't worry. I'm gonna show\nhim to you, and you'll never be\n\nthe same.\n\nJERRY\nMaybe he's just a guy with a nose\nlike this. You know a lot of\n\npeople have a nose like this, they're\nnot necessarily pig-men.\n\nKRAMER\nBelieve me, JERRY, somewhere in\nthis hospital the anguished oink\n\nof pigman cries for help.\n\nJERRY\nIf I hear an anguished oink, I'm\noutta here.\n\nKRAMER\nI can't let this go on.\n\nJERRY\nLet me understand this. So if you\nfind the pigman, your intention\n\nis to ...emancipate him?\n\nKRAMER\nThat's right. (CALLING OUT)\n\nSue-wee!\n\nJERRY\nKRAMER! well I don't see any pig-men.\nLook (HE POINTS AT\n\nPASSERBY) Human, human, human...\n\nHE LOOKS DOWN CORRIDOR, WITH ALARM.\n\nJERRY (CONT'D)\n(WITH MOCK ALARM) Wait a minute!...\nOh, that's GEORGE.\n\nGEORGE APPROACHES.\n\nGEORGE\nOkay. The administrator's on the\nthird floor. I'll meet you guys\n\nby the car.\n\nKRAMER\nYou got room for the pig-man?\n\nGEORGE\nThe pig-man can take the bus.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, if pig-man had a car,\nhe'd give you a ride.\n\nGEORGE\nHow do you know? What if Pigman\nhad a two-seater?\n\nKRAMER\nCome on GEORGE, be realistic.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, if pig-man comes along,\nwe'll squeeze him in. I'll see\n\nyou later.\n\nGEORGE EXITS.\n\nCUT TO:\n(GEORGE, Mrs. Sweedler)\n\nACT ONE\n\nSCENE H\n\nINT HOSPITAL ADMINISTRATION OFFICE\n- DAY 2\n\nTHE ADMINISTRATOR, MRS. SWEEDLER,\nUSHERS GEORGE IN. THEY SIT ON\n\nEITHER SIDE OF HER DESK.\n\nMRS. SWEEDLER\nMr. Costanza, come in, come in.\nIt's been a very trying couple\nof\n\ndays around the hospital. Patients,\ndoctors, everyone, just grief\n\nstricken over this unfortunate\noccurrence.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I join them in their grief.\n\nMrs. Sweedler\n\nHorrible, just a horrible thing.\nFlew right past the children's\n\nwing. All the sick children, in\nthe playroom, looking out the\n\nwindow, just traumatize by the\nincident. Apparently, they all\n\nthought he was flying. You know\nhow children are, \"Oh look. A man\n\nis flying. A man is flying\" And\nthen, splat...\n\nGEORGE\nYes, splat. Exactly. Splat. That's\nwhere I come in. On splat. You\n\nsee, Mrs. Sweedler, or is it hospital\nadministrator Sweedler?\n\nMrs. Sweedler\n\nMrs. Sweedler's fine.\n\nGEORGE\nYou see, that trudge affected me\nin a very, very personal way.\n\nMrs. SWEEDLER\n\nHow is that?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, you see, the deceased landed\non my car. The splat, as it\n\nwere, actually took place on the\nroof of my car. I can't help but\n\nthink that had it been a convertible\nthis whole tragedy may have\n\nbeen averted but I've never been\nthe type to buy a convertible,\n\nwhat with the baldness and all.\n\nMrs. SWEEDLER\n\nWell I've known bald men who owned\nconvertibles. They wore a hat.\n\nGEORGE\nWell then it's all pulled down.\nAnyway. The damage,\n\nunfortunately, has marred an otherwise\nfine automobile, rendering\n\nit virtually undriveable.\n\nMrs. SWEEDLER\n\n(STIFFENING) Yes, well, that is\na shame.\n\nGEORGE\nYes, a shame. That's just how I\nwould describe it. Now, with all\n\ndue sensitivity and discretion,\nbearing in mind the scope of the\n\nsituation, I can't help but think\nthe hospital bears some\n\nresponsibility to compensate the\nother, still living \"victim\", of\n\nthis horrendous, horrendous tragedy.\n\nSHE GLARES\nMrs.Sweedler\n\nMr.Constanza.\n\nGEORGE\nYes.\n\nMrs. SWEEDLER\n\nA man plummeted tragically to his\nultimate demise -\n\nGEORGE\nYes.\n\nMrs. SWEEDLER\n\n... and you greedily, callously\ntry to profit from it.\n\nGEORGE\n\n(PULLING OUT ESTIMATE OUT OF HIS\nPOCKET)\nWell, profit. I think you'll see\nfrom the estimates that I'm not\n\nreally profiting that much. They\nmight be a little high, but..\n\nMrs. SWEEDLER\n\n(WITH ANGER) How dare you.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nMrs. SWEEDLER\n\nHave you no decency? Have you no\nshame?\n\nGEORGE\nYes.. you know, depending.\n\nMrs. SWEEDLER\n\nGet out! Get out, now! get out\nof my office.\n\nGEORGE PUTS HIS ESTIMATES ON THE\nDESK AND BEGINS TO EXIT.\n\nGEORGE\nShould I leave these with you?\n\nMrs. SWEEDLER\n\nGet out!\n\nHE EXITS.\n\nCUT TO:\n\nACT ONE\n\nSCENE J\n(JERRY, KRAMER, resident)\n\nINT HOSPITAL CORRIDOR DAY 2\n\nKRAMER AND JERRY FIND PIGMAN'S\nROOM. BUT, IT'S EMPTY. KRAMER\n\nSTOPS A YOUNG SMART ALECK RESIDENT.\nJERRY TRIES TO LOOK\n\nINCONSPICUOUS.\n\nKRAMER\nExcuse me. What happened to the\nman, that was in this room\n\nbefore?\n\nRESIDENT\nI don't know what you're talking\nabout.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know. (HE PUSHES HIS NOSE UP\nWITH HIS THUMB).\n\nRESIDENT\nNo.\n\nKRAMER\n(STILL HOLDING HIS NOSE UP ) This\ndoesn't look familiar to you?\n\nRESIDENT\nSir?\n\nKRAMER\nLook, I know what's going on. Oink,\noink.\n\nRESIDENT\nI really have some patients I have\nto attend to.\n\nHE TRIES TO MOVE ON. KRAMER GRABS\nHIM BY THE LAPELS AND BACKS HIM\n\nAGAINST THE WALL. JERRY LOOKS THE\nOTHER WAY.\n\nKRAMER\n(TOUGH TALKING) Look, you little\nquack, I know you had a half man\n\nhalf pig holed up in that room,\nthere. Now where is he?! Where\nis\n\nhe?!\n\nRESIDENT\nHalf-what?\n\nKRAMER\nYou know what - bacon, sausage,\n(A LA PORKY PIG) A-deek-a-deek-a-\n\ndeek th-th-th-that's all folks.\n\nRESIDENT\nOh, the pig-man. They moved him\ndown the hall.\n\nKRAMER RELEASES THE RESIDENT, WHO\nRUNS AWAY.\n\nJERRY\nAlright KRAMER, enough of this.\nLet's go find GEORGE.\n\nKRAMER\nYou go ahead.\n\nKRAMER WALKS OFF.\n\nJERRY\n\nKRAMER\n\nBUT HE CONTINUES WALKING.\n\nFADE OUT\n\nEND OF ACT ONE\n\nACT TWO\n\nSCENE K\n(JERRY, ELAINE, GEORGE, KRAMER,\nSTAN, Myra, Mohel man, Woman,\n\n(STEVEN))\n\nINT FLICKS' DAY 3\n\nJERRY ELAINE, KRAMER, THE FLICKS,\nAND ASSORTED GUESTS\n\nJERRY\nWhere's the Mohel?\n\nELAINE\nHe'll be here.\n\nJERRY\nHe's late already.\n\nELAINE\nRelax. You'd think you were getting\nwhacked.\n\nJERRY\nHow did I get to be Godfather?\nI don't even know him that well.\n\nJust cause we're on the softball\nteam and I'm the pitcher and\n\nhe's the catcher he thinks we have\na relationship?\n\nELAINE\nI thought pitchers and catchers\ndid have a special rapport.\n\nJERRY\nMaybe in hardball it's more involved\nyou know they have signals\n\nand everything. I'm just lobbing\nit in. We don't have\n\nconferences. He doesn't come out\nto the mound and encourage me.\n\nELAINE\nWhat about me? I watched a few\ngames with her sitting in the\n\nstands.\n\nJERRY\nDon't they have any closer friends.\nThey're level jumping on our\n\nfriendship.\n\nELAINE\nyes it is level jumping.\n\nANGLE ON: GEORGE TALKING TO WOMAN.\n\nGEORGE\nSo uh... ever been to a bris before?\n\nWOMAN\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nIf you fell little woozy, and it's\nquite common, just stay close\n\nto me. I'll get you through it.\n\nWOMAN\nI'm a cardiologist. I think I can\nmanage.\n\nGEORGE\nOh.\n\nANGLE ON: KRAMER AND MYRA. SHE\nIS SOBBING.\n\nKRAMER\nDon't believe them when they tell\nyou it doesn't hurt. It hurts\n\nbad. It hurts really bad. Imagine,\nthis will be his first memory.\n\nOf someone yanking the hat off\nhis little man. I know you love\n\nyour baby, but what kind of perverts\nwould stand idly by while a\n\nstranger rips the cover off his\n9-iron and then serve a catered\n\nlunch?\n\nMYRA RUNS AWAY, SOBBING\nKRAMER (cont'd)\n\nShe'll be okay.\n\nHE SLINKS AWAY. ELAINE ANGRILY\nCONFRONTS KRAMER.\n\nELAINE\nWhat's wrong with you?\n\nKRAMER\nMe? What's wrong with you?! How\ncan you let this go on?\n\nELAINE\nHey have you ever seen one of those?\n\nKRAMER\nNo.\n\nELAINE\nWell I have and believe me it's\nno picnic.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, how bad could it be?\n\nELAINE\n(TO GATHERING) Alright. Has anybody\nhere ever seen one?\n\nMAN\nOne what?\n\nELAINE\n... you know\n\nMAN\nI have.\n\nWOMAN\nI have.\n\nELAINE\nAnd?\n\nALL\n(SHAKE THEIR HEADS) No...\n\nGEORGE\nI got used to it.\n\nSFX: DOORBELL.\n\nRELIEVED< EVERYONE RUNS TO THE\nDOOR.\nALL (CONT'd)\n\n(ADLIB) It's the mohel! the mohel\nis here! Thank God, the mohel\n\nis here.\n\nTHEY OPEN THE DOOR. THE MOHEL STANDS\nIN THE DOORWAY WITH BAG.\n\nEVERYONE CALMS DOWN IN HIS BEATIFIC\nPRESENCE AS HE ENTER. HE NODS\n\nIN GREETING AS HE WALKS THRU THE\nASSEMBLED GUESTS.\n\nMOHEL\nHello, hello, I'm the mohel. It's\nvery nice to meet you all...\n\nA PAN CLANGS TO THE GROUND. THE\nMOHEL SNAPS.\n\nMOHEL (CONT'D)\nOh! What was that?!? Jeez. Scared\nthe hell out of me. My god. I\n\nalmost had a heart attack!\n\nTHE CROWD GROWS UNEASY.\n\nMOHEL (CONT'D)\n(CALMING DOWN) Alright I'm fine,\nI'm fine. Anyway, we're here to\n\nperform the mitzvah of the bris\nand...\n\nSFX: BABY CRYING\n\nMOHEL (CONT'D)\n(WITH INCREASING TENSION) ...Is\nthe baby gonna cry like that? Is\n\nthat how the baby cries, with the\nloud, sustained, squealing cry,\n\n'cause that could pose a problem.\nDo you have any control of your\n\nchild 'cause this is the time to\nexercise it when baby is crying\n\nin that high-pitched, squealing\ntone that can drive you\n\ninsane?!!!\n\nMRS. FLICK TAKES THE BABY INT OTHER\nROOM. THE MOHEL MASSAGES HIS\n\nFOREHEAD.\n\nELAINE\nDid you find the place alright?\n\nMOHEL\nDid I find it alright? I mean could\nyou send me to a more\n\ndangerous neighborhood? I'm dreading\nwalking back to the subway,\n\nsomeone shouldn't crack me over\nthe head and steal my bag,\n\n'accuse I'll be lying there on\nthe street in this neighborhood\n\nand people will spit on me and\nempty my pockets. I'll lie in the\n\ngutter like a bum, like a dog,\nlike a mutt, like an animal! God\n\nforbid someone should help me or\ncall an ambulance. No, that's\n\ntoo much trouble to pick up a phone\nand press a few buttons. Ahh!\n\nWhat's the point.\n\nELAINE\nDo you feel alright?\n\nMOHEL\n(TO ELAINE< INTERRUPTING) Darling,\nyou see where that glass is?\n\nHow that glass is near the edge\nof the table. You got the whole\n\ntable there to put the glass, why\nyou chose the absolute edge, so\n\nhalf the glass is hanging off the\ntable, you breath and that\n\nglass falls over, then you're gonna\nhave broken glass on the\n\ncarpet, embedded in the carpet\nfibers, deep, deep in the shag,\n\nbroken glass, bits of broken glass\nthat you never get out. you\n\ncan't get it out with a vacuum\ncleaner. Even on your hands and\n\nknees with a magnifying glass,\nyou can't get all the pieces, and\n\nthen you think you got it all and\ntwo years later, you're walkin'\n\nbarefoot and you step on a piece\nof broken glass and you kill\n\nyourself, is that what you want?\nI don't think you want that, is\n\nit? .. Do you?\n\nTHE MOHEL BEGINS TWITCHING. ANGLE\nON: ELAINE AND MYRA.\n\nELAINE\n(TO MYRA; ON THE 'QT') He's very\nhighly recommended.\n\nANGLE ON: JERRY AND KRAMER\n\nKRAMER\n(TO JERRY; ON THE 'QT') The mohel\nis twitching.\n\nMOHEL\nWho's holding the baby? Hello!\nWho is holding the baby?!?\n\nNO RESPONSE.\nMOHEL (cont;d)\n\n(WITH ACCOMPANYING 'MOCK' SIGN\nLANGUAGE) Who is holding the baby?\n\nELAINE\nJERRY is.. (TO JERRY) JERRY!\n\nJERRY\n(UNCERTAIN) Yeah.\n\nELAINE\nJERRY go over there.\n\nJERRY\nAll right.\n\nELAINE\nGo.\n\nJERRY\nI'm going.\n\nELAINE\n\nC'MON\n\nJERRY\nDon't push me.\n\nMOHEL\nOkay. you sit here. Bring out the\nbaby. Bring out the baby. I\n\nneed the baby!\n\nKRAMER DASHES INTO THE BEDROOM\nAND RELUCTANTLY BRINGS OUT THE\n\nBABY. BEFORE HE HANDS IT OVER,\nHE HAS SECOND THOUGHTS. HE GRIPS\n\nTHE BABY TIGHTLY.\n\nKRAMER\nI can't let you do this.\n\n(AD-LIB KRAMER!\n\nEVERYONE MOVES TOWARD HIM.\n\nKRAMER.\nI can't let you do this!\n\nPEOPLE GRAB HIM, TRYING TO PRY\nTHE BABY AWAY FROM HIM. THERE IS\n\nA STRUGGLE.\n\nALL\n(AD LIB) Let go of the baby! KRAMER!\n\nKRAMER\nNo! No! I won't!\n\nTHEY FINALLY YANK THE BABY AWAY\nFROM THE DISTRAUGHT KRAMER.\n\nMOHEL\nPeople compose yourselves. (SHOUTING\nAS STRUGGLE CONTINUES) This\n\nis a bris. We are performing a\nbris here, not a burlesque show.\n\nThis is not a school play! This\nis not a baggy pants farce! This\n\nis a bris. An ancient, sacred ceremony,\nsymbolizing the covenant\n\nbetween God and Abraham... or something.\n\nTHE MOHEL OPENS HIS BAG AND HIS\nINSTRUMENTS FALL OUT.\n\nMOHEL (CONT'D)\nDamn.\n\nPEOPLE REACH IN TO HELP.\n\nMOHEL (CONT'D)\nNo! Don't touch anything! Don't\ntouch a thing! Away!\n\n(MUTTERING).. I coulda been a kosher\nbutcher like my brother. The\n\nmoney's good. There's a union,\nwith benefits. And, cows have no\n\nfamilies. You make a mistake with\na cow, you move on with your\n\nlife... Anyway.\n\nHE HOLDS UP THE 'INSTRUMENT'. HE\nTWITCHES. HIS HAND TREMBLES. WE\n\nPAN THE EXTREMELY ANXIOUS CROWD.\nWE ANGLE ON A VERY BUG-EYED,\n\nNERVOUS JERRY AS THE MOHEL RAISES\nTHE INSTRUMENT.\n\nANGLE BACK ON: MOHEL, AS HE BRINGS\nTHE INSTRUMENT DOWN.\n\nSFX: CROWD SCREAMING.\n\nCUT TO:\n\nACT TWO\n\nSCENE L\n\n(JERRY, GEORGE, ELAINE, KRAMER)\n\nINT GEORGE'S CAR - DAY 3\n\nJERRY\nHurry up GEORGE! Step on it!\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, alright!\n\nJERRY\nThat damn Mohel - he circumcised\nmy finger! The mohel circumcised\n\nmy finger!\n\nELAINE\nYou flinched.\n\nJERRY\nFlinched? I did not flinch. GEORGE,\ndid I flinch?\n\nELAINE\nHow should he know He blacked out.\nHe fainted.\n\nGEORGE\nIt was very traumatic. But the\nlast thing I remember is you\n\nflinching. Then, everything went\nblack.\n\nJERRY\nWho's got a tissue? I need more\ntissues! Look at this thing. It's\n\nmy phone finger!\n\nGEORGE\nBe careful, you're bleeding all\nover the car.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat about the baby?\n\nJERRY\nThe baby's fine. They're just taking\nhim to the hospital as a\n\nprecautionary measure. I'm the\none who's hurt. Look at me.\n\nELAINE\nWill you stop it? You'll just need\na few stitches.\n\nJERRY\nStitches? I've never had stitched.\nI'll be deformed. I can't live\n\nwith that. It goes against my whole\npersonality. It's not me!\n\nGEORGE\nHey look a this - boy are you lucky\n- another spot - right in\n\nfront of the hospital. In an emergency\nyet! How lucky is that? Is\n\nthat unbelievable? How unbelievable\nis that?\n\nCut to:\n\nACT two\n\nSCENE\nJERRY, GEORGE, ELAINE, KRAMER,\nMyra, (Pigman), (Male Nurse)\n\n(GUARDS))\nInt Hospital Day 3\n\nJERRY, ELAINE, GEORGE, AND KRAMER\nWALKING DOWN THE CORRIDOR.\n\nJERRY\nI'm getting faint. I'm losing consciousness.\n\nKRAMER\nYou'll be okay. I'll see you later.\n\nKRAMER EXITS\n\nGEORGE\nWhere's he going?\n\nELAINE LIFTS NOSE UP WITH HER THUMB.\nGEORGE (con'td)\n\nI'm gonna look for a bathroom.\n\nMOHEL ENTERS.\n\nJERRY\nWell if it isn't Shakey the Mohel!\nYou did a hell of a\n\ncircumcision there pal. But it's\nnot supposed to be a finger.\n\nMOHEL\n(RE:JERRY) It was your fault! You\nflinched!\n\nJERRY\nWho made you a mohel? Whadya, get\nyour degree from a matchbook?\n\nMOHEL\n(HE MAKES A SUDDEN MOVEMENT) See!\nSee! He flinched again!\n\nJERRY\nGood mohel picking, ELAINE. You\npicked a helluva mohel.\n\nMOHEL\nOne more peep out of you and I'll\nslice you up like a smoked\n\nsturgeon.\n\nJERRY\nDon't threaten me, Butcher Boy.\n\nMOHEL\nButcher Boy?!\n\nJERRY\nWhat was this? (HE IMITATES MOHEL'S\nFLINCHING) What was this?\n\nMOHEL\nWhat was this? (HE IMITATES JERRY)\n\nJERRY AND MOHEL GET INTO A STRUGGLE.\nMOHEL (cont;d)\n\nIt was your fault!\n\nJERRY\nIt was not!\n\nELAINE\nJERRY, be careful. The Mohel's\ngot a knife!\n\nTHE FLICKS ENTER.\n\nSTAN\nHey, hey stop it, stop it! What's\ngoing on here?\n\nSTAN AND ELAINE AD-LIB DURING BREAK-UP\nOF FIGHT.\nSTAN (cont'd)\n\nYou two should be ashamed of yourselves.\n\nMOHEL\nAh, blood.\n\nELAINE\nHow's the baby?\n\nSTAN\nThe baby's fine. There's nothing\nwrong with the baby.\n\nMOHEL\nThank god the flincher didn't harm\nthe baby.\n\nALL\n(AD LIB) Amen.\n\nTHE MOHEL LEANS INTO JERRY AND\nWHISPERS.\n\nMOHEL\nI will get you for this. This is\nmy business, this is my life. No\n\none ruins this for me. No on! (TO\nELAINE) Here's my card.\n\nTHE MOHEL BEGINS TO EXIT. SUDDENLY\nKRAMER COMES DASHING DOWN THE\n\nHALLWAY. HE IS CARRYING THE PIG\nMAN ON HIS BACK. THE MALE NURSE\n\nAND SECURITY GUARDS ARE IN HOT\nPURSUIT. THEY KNOCK OVER THE\n\nMOHEL. THEY ALL EXIT.\n\nJERRY AND ELAINE LOOK AT GEORGE.\n\nDISSOLVE TO:\n\nACT TWO\n\nSCENE N\n\nINT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY (4)\n\nJERRY IS TRYING TO OPEN A BOTTLE\nWITH BANDAGED FINGER,\n\nJERRY\nI can't do this. (A LA GODFATHER)\nLook what they did to my boy,\n\nThey massacred my boy.\n\nELAINE\nYou really do the worst Godfather\nI ever heard. You're not even\n\nclose.\n\nSFX:BUZZER\n\nJERRY\nIt's the Flicks.\n\nGEORGE\n(ON PHONE) It's a '76 Chevy Impala.\nIt was stolen right in front\n\nof the hospital. Yeah, I saw him\ntake off in it. He's about five\n\nfeet, hairless, pink complexion..\nwell. he looks like a pig.\n\nYeah, okay, thanks a lot.\n\nKRAMER ENTERS.\n\nGEORGE\nSo any word? Did you hear from\nthe \"pigman?\"\n\nKRAMER\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd he's not a pigman is he?\n\nKRAMER\nNO, he's not.. .He's just a fat\nlittle mental patient.\n\nTHE FLICKS ENTER\n\nJERRY\nHi STAN, hi Myra.\n\nELAINE GOES TO ADMIRE BABY. MYRA\nPULLS HIM AWAY.\n\nMYRA\nDon't touch him\n\nJERRY\nWhat's wrong?\n\nSTAN\nYou're out, JERRY. You're out as\nGodfather. You too, ELAINE.\n\nYou're both out.\n\nELAINE\n\nBUT-\n\nSTAN\nWe want KRAMER.\n\nKRAMER\n(A LA GODFATHER) I'd be honored.\n\nKRAMER, STAND AND MYRA START TO\nEXIT\n\nJERRY\nBut I'm the pitcher. You're the\ncatcher. We have a special\n\nrelationship.\n\nKRAMER AND FLICKS EXIT, THEY CLOSE\nTHE DOOR, BUT LEAVE IT\n\nSLIGHTLY AJAR, AS THEY STAND IN\nTHE HALLWAY. THE FLICKS EMBRACING\n\nKRAMER, JERRY, ELAINE AND GEORGE\nWATCH IN DISBELIEF THROUGH THE\n\nCRACK IN THE DOOR.\n\nSTAN (CONT'D)\nGodfather.\n\nMYRA\nGodfather.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Lip-Reader.html",
    "text": "THE LIP READER\n\nWritten by\n\nCarol Leifer\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nProfessional tennis. To me I don't understand\nall the shushing. Why are they always\nshushing. Shh, shh. Don't the players\nknow that we're there? Should we duck\ndown behind the seats so they don't\nsee us watching them? Tennis is basically\njust ping-pong and the players are standing\non the table. That's all it is. And\nthat goofy scoring, you win one point\nand all the sudden you're up by 15.\nTwo points, 30-love. 30-love. Sounds\nlike an English call girl. \"That'll\nbe 30, love... And could you be a little\nquieter next time, please, shh.\"\n\n(Commercial)\n\nIn the bleachers at the tennis court. Two players are hitting\nthe ball back and forth.\n\nJERRY\nAre these seats unbelievable or what?\n\nGEORGE\nWhere's the sunblock?\n\nJERRY\nHere.\n\nGEORGE\n25? You don't have anything higher?\n\nJERRY\nWhat, are you on Mercury?\n\nGEORGE\nI need higher. This has paba in it,\nI need paba-free.\n\nJERRY\nYou got a problem with paba?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, I have a problem with paba.\n\nJERRY\nYou don't even know what paba is.\n\nGEORGE\nI know enough to stay away from it.\n\nGEORGE\nSo are you going to Todd's party this\nweekend?\n\nJERRY\nI'll go if someone else drives. You\ngoing?\n\nGEORGE\nGwen really wants to go.\n\nJERRY\nYou're bringing a date to a party?\n\nGEORGE\nNo good?\n\nJERRY\nA party is a bad date situation. It\ndoesn't matter who you're with. You\ncould be with J. Edgar Hoover. You don't\nwant to sit and talk with Hoover all\nnight. You want to circulate. (Makes\nhand motions) Ho, ho, ho.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy'd you pick Hoover? Was he that interesting\nto talk to?\n\nJERRY\nWell I would think, with the law enforcement\nand the cross dressing. Seems like an\ninteresting guy.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah I guess. What can I do? I gotta\ntake her with me. Todd introduced us,\nI'm obligated.\n\nJERRY\nThat woman is absolutely stunning.\n\nGEORGE\nThe Croat? (the tennis player)\n\nJERRY\nNot the Croat, the lineswoman. That\nis the most beautiful lineswoman I've\never seen.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, she's a B.L.\n\nJERRY\nB.L.?\n\nGEORGE\nBeautiful lineswoman. I'm going to go\nto the concession stand and get some\nreal sunblock. You want anyting? Jerry?\n(Jerry is staring at the lineswoman)\nJerry?\n\nAt Elaine's office.\n\nCOWORKER\nYou know, I just heard the Lexington\nline is out.\n\nELAINE\nYou are kidding me. How am I supposed\nto get to this meeting?\n\nCOWORKER\nTake a car service. We have an account.\n\nELAINE\nOh forget it, I hate those. Everytime\nI take one, the driver will *not* stop\ntalking to me. No matter how disinterested\nI seem he just keeps yakking away. Blah,\nblah, blah, blah. Why does everything\nalways have to have a social componant?\nNow a stage coach, that would have been\na good situation for me. Cause I'm in\nthe coach, and the driver is way up\nthere on the stage.\n\nCOWORKER\nWell you're not going to get a cab now.\nFour thirty in the afternoon? Read a\nmagazine, keep your head down.\n\nELAINE\nI guess that could work.\n\nAt the tennis court concession stand. George is eating a sundae.\n\nAt Jerry's apartment. Kramer is watching TV.\n\nANNOUNCER\nAnd that is it. The match to Ms. Natalia\nValdoni. Comming up next, mens single,\nbut for now let's stop a minute and\ntake a look at our beautiful tennis\ncenter backdrop.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, hey, it's George.\n\nGeorge is on TV eating a sundae. His face is covered in ice cream\nand fudge. He is taking a bite of ice cream and dripping it around\nhis mouth.\n\nANNOUNCER\nHoly cow it's a scorcher. Boy I bet\nyou that guy can cover a lot of court.\nHey buddy, they got a new invention.\nIt's called a napkin. We'll take a station\nbreak and continue with more...\n\nElaine in the car service car.\n\nDRIVER\nDag Gavershole Plaza (sp?) huh? (Elaine\nignores him) Pendant Publishing, that's\nbooks right? (Elaine is annoyed and\nstill ignoring him) Miss?\n\nELAINE\nPardon me?\n\nDRIVER\nBooks, that's what you do?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nDRIVER\nYeah, I don't read much myself, (Elaine\nis annoyed) well you know besides the\npaper. Yeah a lot of people read to\nrelax, but not me. You know what I do?\n\nELAINE\nYou know I'm having a lot of trouble,\num, hearing you back here. So...\n\nDRIVER\n(Yelling) I said you know what I do\n(Elaine is very annoyed) when I want\nto relax? The Jumble. Hey do you make\na book of Jumbles?\n\nELAINE\nI'm going to have to be honest with\nyou. I'm going deaf.\n\nDRIVER\nGoing deaf?\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nDRIVER\nOh I'm sorry.\n\nELAINE\nIt can be very frustrating.\n\nDRIVER\nHey what about a hearing aid?\n\nELAINE\nAn I fearing AIDS? Oh, yeah sure, who\nisn't. But you know you gotta live your\nlife.\n\nDRIVER\nNo, no I said. Ehhh, forget it. (Elaine\nlooks pleased)\n\nAt the tennis court.\n\nJERRY\nI can't take my eyes off that lineswoman.\nThat lineswoman is absolutely mesmerizing.\n\nGEORGE\nBoy you are really smitten.\n\nJERRY\nI gotta talk to her. What do you think?\n\nGEORGE\nCold? How are you going to do that?\nYou're not one of those guys.\n\nJERRY\nI'm going to psyche myself into it like\nthose people that just walk across the\nhot coals.\n\nGEORGE\nThey're not mocked and humiliated when\nthey get to the other side.\n\nJERRY\nI have to. I won't be able to live with\nmyself.\n\nGEORGE\nWait a minute Jerry, there's a bigger\nissue here. If you go through that wall\nand become one of those guys I'll be\nleft here on this side. Take me with\nyou.\n\nJERRY\nI can't.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you going to say?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, \"Hi\".\n\nGEORGE\nYou think you're going to the other\nside with \"Hi\"? You're not going to\nmake it.\n\nElaine in the car service car.\n\nRADIO\nBase to 92 come in\n\nDRIVER\nYes this is 92\n\nRADIO\nAfter this go back to city for a 6:00\npickup\n\nDRIVER\nRighteo\n\nRADIO\n794 Bleeker the party's Hanks. Tom Hanks.\n\nELAINE\nTom Hanks? After me you're picking up\nTom Hanks? I love him.\n\nDRIVER\nSo I guess your hearing goes in and\nout huh?\n\nELAINE\nYeah. Yes it does...\n\nDRIVER\nYeah. You know what I think? I think\nyou made that whole thing up.\n\nELAINE\nNo no, no no.\n\nDRIVER\nYeah yeah, I know your type. You're\ntoo good to make conversation with someone\nlike me. Oh god forbid you could discuss\nthe Jumbles. But to go so far as to\npretend you're almost deaf, I mean that\nis truly disgusting. And Mr. Tom Hanks,\nmay I say he too would be disgusted\nby your behavior.\n\nAt the tennis court. Jerry is standing behind the lineswoman.\n\nJERRY\nExcuse me. (Woman ignores him) Excuse\nme? (Still ignores him) Oh that's nice.\nThat's right ignore me. That's real\npolite. Nobody's even talking to you.\nAll you big lineswoman. Oh you've got\nsome kind of a cool job. I know your\ntype thinking your too good for everyone,\nbut it's women like you (woman turns\naround and notices him) oh well, what\nare you deaf?\n\nLAURA\nBingo.\n\nAt Jerry's apartment.\n\nKRAMER\nAnd you're saying she's deaf.\n\nJERRY\nI'm not *saying* she's deaf, she's deaf.\n\nKRAMER\nCan't hear a thing.\n\nJERRY\nCan't hear a thing.\n\nKRAMER\nAnd you're going to go out with her.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, isn't that something?\n\nElaine enters.\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nJERRY AND KRAMER\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nHey I know how to sign.\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah when I was 8, I had a deaf cousin\nwho lived with us for about a year.\n(signing as he speaks) So I haven't\nbeen able to do it in a while.\n\nELAINE\nWhat is this about?\n\nJERRY\nI met this deaf lineswoman at the tennis\nmatch.\n\nELAINE\nYou are kidding. That is amazing. (She\npushes Jerry, Jerry falls back into\nKramer.) I just took a car service from\nwork and to get the driver to not talk\nto me, I pretended I was going deaf.\n\nJERRY\nWow good plan.\n\nELAINE\nOh didn't work. He caught me hearing.\nI know it's terrible, but I'm not a\nterrible person.\n\nJERRY AND KRAMER\nNo.\n\nELAINE\nNo. When I shoo squirrels away, I always\nsay \"get out of here\". I never ever\nthrow things at them and try to injure\nthem like other people.\n\nJERRY\nThat's nice.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, and when I see freaks in the street\nI never, ever stare at them. Yet, I'm\ncareful not to look away, you know,\nbecause I want to make the freaks feel\ncomfortable.\n\nJERRY\nThat's nice for the freaks.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, and I don't poof up my hair when\nI got to a movie so people behind me\ncan see. I've got to make it up to this\nguy or I won't be able to live with\nmyself. What can I do?\n\nJERRY\nWhy don't you get him some tickets or\nsomething, how about that friend of\nyours that works at the ticket area.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah yeah Pete, he can get you great\ntickets to something. Like a rock concert.\nWhatever you like.\n\nELAINE\nOh, thanks Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nYou got it. Hey Jerry, do me a favor.\nThe next time you see that lineswoman\nask her how those ball boys get those\njobs. I would love to be able to do\nthat.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, I think perhaps you've overlooked\none of the key aspects of this activity.\nIt's ball *boys*, not ball men. There\nare no ball men.\n\nELAINE\nYeah I think he's right. I've never\nseen a ball man.\n\nKRAMER\nWell there ought to be ball men.\n\nJERRY\nAll right I'll talk to her. If you want\nto be a ball man go ahead, break the\nball barrier.\n\nELAINE\nHey you know a friend of mine from work\nsaid that she saw George at the tennis\nmatch on TV yesterday.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah me too. Yeah he was at the\nsnack bar eating a hot fudge sundae.\nHe had it all over his face. He was\nwearing that chocolate on his face like\na beard and they got in there real nice\nand tight. And he's... (Imitates scooping\nup ice cream.)\n\nAt Monk's.\n\nGWEN\nI'm sorry George.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't understand things were going\nso great. What happened? Something must\nhave happened.\n\nGWEN\nIt's not you, it's me.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're giving me the \"it's not you,\nit's me\" routine? I invented \"it's not\nyou, it's me\". Nobody tells me it's\nthem not me, if it's anybody it's me.\n\nGWEN\nAll right, George, it's you.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're *damn* right it's me.\n\nGWEN\nI was just trying to...\n\nGEORGE\nI know what you were trying to do. Nobody\ndoes it better than me.\n\nGWEN\nI'm sure you do it very well.\n\nGEORGE\nYes well unfortunately you'll never\nget the chance to find out.\n\nGeorge then looks confused like what he said just didn't sound\nright.\n\nAt Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nBut I thought things were going great.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah so did I.\n\nJERRY\nDid she say why?\n\nGEORGE\nNo. She tried to give me the \"it's not\nyou, it's me\" routine.\n\nJERRY\nBut that's your routine.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Well aparently word's out.\n\nKramer enters.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, George, I saw you on TV yesterday.\n\nGEORGE\nReally? At the tennis match?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah you were at the snack bar eating\na hot fudge sundae.\n\nGEORGE\nGet out of here. I didn't see any cameras\nthere.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, the cameras was, vrooom, there.\nThe announcers, they made a couple of\ncracks about you.\n\nGEORGE\nCracks? What were they saying?\n\nKRAMER\nThat you had ice cream all over your\nface. They were talking about how funny\nyou looked.\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe Gwen saw it. Maybe that's what\ndid it.\n\nKRAMER\nWell I'll tell you it wasn't a pretty\nsight.\n\nGEORGE\nShe must have seen me eating it on TV.\n\nJERRY\nSo she sees you with hot fudge on your\nface and she ends it? You really think\nshe would be that superficial?\n\nGEORGE\nWhy not. I would be.\n\nThe phone rings.\n\nJERRY\nHello... Oh hi dad... You saw him?...\nReally with the ice cream?... All right\nI'll talk to you later, bye.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're parents saw me on TV?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nThis is nighmare. Kramer how long was\nI on?\n\nKRAMER\nIt felt like 8 seconds.\n\nGEORGE\nOne-one-thousand, two-one-thousand,\nthree-one-thousand.\n\nElaine enters.\n\nELAINE\nI heard you *really* inhaled that thing.\nDid anyone tape it?\n\nGEORGE\nCan we move on?\n\nJERRY\nHe thinks Gwen broke up with him because\nshe saw him eating the ice cream on\nTV.\n\nELAINE\nOh come on. If she's that superficial\nyou don't want her.\n\nGEORGE\nYes I do.\n\nELAINE\nSo I guess you're not going to Todd's\nparty on Friday.\n\nGEORGE\nWell I can't now, Gwen's going to be\nthere.\n\nKRAMER\nWell she should be the one that shouldn't\ngo.\n\nJERRY\nWell if a couple breaks up and have\nplans to go to a neutral place, who\nwithdraws? What's the ettiquite?\n\nKRAMER\nExcellent question.\n\nJERRY\nI think she should withdraw. She's the\nbreaker, he's the breakee. He needs\nto get on with his life.\n\nELAINE\nI beg to differ.\n\nJERRY\nReally.\n\nELAINE\nHe's the *loser*. She's the victor.\nTo the victor belong the spoils.\n\nJERRY\nWell I don't care, I don't want to go\nanyway. I don't want to fight that traffic\non Friday night.\n\nELAINE\nWell we can take the car service from\nmy office.\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, they don't know.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, I'll see you later.\n\nJERRY\nOkay.\n\nGEORGE\n\"To the victor goes the spoils.\" What\nare you going to do tonight?\n\nJERRY\nOh I got a date with Laura the lineswoman.\n\nGEORGE\nOh. (he stands there)\n\nJERRY\nWhy? (George fiddles with the lock on\nthe door.) Well what are you doing?\n\nGEORGE\nWell I was just going to wander the\nstreets. Wouldn't want to tag along\nwith you or anything.\n\nJERRY\nOh, uh, do you want to come with us?\n\nGEORGE\nJerry please, that's very nice, but,\nuh, (closes the door) where would we\nbe going?\n\nAt a Chinese restaurant.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, I've got ice cream all over my face.\nThere were no napkins there. Whoever\nit was that's responsible for stocking\nthat concession stand cost me a relationship.\n\nLAURA\nThey never have napkins there.\n\nJERRY\nLet's get the check. (Waves in the air)\nIs this considered signing? Do you do\nthis when you want the check? Really.\nI know a sign, that's my first sign.\n\nLAURA\nUh, oh. That couple is breaking up.\n\nGEORGE\nThey're breaking up? How do you know?\n\nJERRY\nShe reads lips.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are they saying now?\n\nLAURA\n\"It's not you, it's me.\"\n\nGEORGE\n(Holding his drink up to his mouth)\nOh my gosh, I just had a great idea.\nShe could come to the party tomorrow\nand read Gwen's lips for me.\n\nJERRY\n(Puts his hand over his mouth) What?\n\nGEORGE\n(Puts nuts into his mouth, and in the\nprocess covers his mouth) We bring her\nto the party, and she can tell me what\nGwen is saying about me.\n\nJERRY\n(Holds his drink up to his mouth) She's\nnot a novelty act, George. Where you\nhire her out for weddings and bar mitzvas.\n\nGEORGE\n(Puts his hands on his face, rubbing\nhis eyes) Look. It's a skill, just like\njuggling. She probably enjoys showing\nit off.\n\nJERRY\n(Puts his napkin over his mouth) I don't\nknow George. I'm not sure about this.\n\nGEORGE\n(Puts his arms in the air, stretching,\nand covers his mouth with an arm) Could\nyou ask her, just ask her. If she says\nno, case closed.\n\nJERRY\n(Puts his hand on his chin over his\nmouth) All right.\n\nJERRY\nUh Laura, George was wondering if...\n\nLAURA\nSure. I'll do it.\n\nAfter the restaurant. Jerry at Laura's place.\n\nJERRY\nSo I really had a good time.\n\nLAURA\nYeah, me too.\n\nJERRY\nSo you want to go to the party on Friday\nnight?\n\nLAURA\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, we're taking a car service.\nSo we'll swing by and pick you up. How\nabout six? (Laura looks offended). Six\nis good. (Laura looks offended and angry).\nYou got a problem with six? (Laura opens\nthe door and gets out). What? What?\n\n(Commercial)\n\nAt the tennis court.\n\nMAN\nOkay listen up people. There are plenty\nof you here, but we've only got two\nspots to fill. Good luck.\n\nBOY\nHey pops, isn't there a better way to\nspend your twilight years?\n\nKRAMER\nI may be old, but I'm spry.\n\nBOY\nThe tryout lasts three and a half to\nfour hours. Are you up for it?\n\nKRAMER\nOh I'll be up for it punk.\n\nKramer fetches some balls, and he is doing some pretty fancy\nfootwork.\n\nAt Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nSee I was saying \"six\" but she thought\nI was saying \"sex\". We straightened\nthe whole thing out though.\n\nGEORGE\nShe confused \"six\" with \"sex\"?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nWell if she can't tell \"six\" from \"sex\"\nthen how is she going to lip read from\nacross the room?\n\nJERRY\nWell \"six\" and \"sex\" are close.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's two completely different sounds.\n\"ih\" and \"eh\".\n\nJERRY\nEh.\n\nGEORGE\nIt seems like a problem.\n\nJERRY\nWell I'm not dating any other deaf women.\n\nKramer enters.\n\nKRAMER\nHey guess who's going to be the new\nball man for the finals.\n\nJERRY\nYou're kidding.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. They said they haven't seen anybody\ngo after balls with such gusto.\n\nGEORGE\nWhen is that car service comming?\n\nJERRY\nIn five minutes. He's then going to\npick us up, then we're going to pick\nup Elaine, and Laura is going to meet\nus there.\n\nGEORGE\nIf this lip reading thing works tonight\ndo you know how incredible this is going\nto be? It's like having Superman for\nyour friend.\n\nJERRY\nI know. It's like X-ray vision.\n\nGEORGE\nIf we could just harness this power\nand use it for our own personal gain,\nthere'd be no stopping us.\n\nNewman enters.\n\nNEWMAN\nI hear you've got some lip reader working\nfor you. You gotta let me use her for\none day. Just one day.\n\nJERRY\nCan't do it Newman.\n\nNEWMAN\nBut Jerry, we've got this new supervisor\ndown at the post office. He's working\nbehind this glass. I know they're talking\nabout me. They're going to transfer\nme, I know it. Two hours, give me two\nhours.\n\nJERRY\nNot going to happen.\n\nNEWMAN\n(Sinister) All right, all right. All\nright you go ahead. You go ahead and\nkeep it secret. But you remember this.\nWhen you control the mail, you control...\ninformation.\n\nIn the car service car.\n\nJERRY\nOh just pull over right there by the\nstop sign.\n\nDRIVER\nPardon me sir?\n\nJERRY\nI said pull over by the stop sign.\n\nDRIVER\nI'm so sorry, you'll have to forgive\nme. I can't hear a damn thing. I went\nto that rock concert last night at the\ngarden. My seats were right up agains\nthe speaker. It's a heavy metal group.\nMetalla-something.\n\nKRAMER\n-ca.\n\nDRIVER\nHuh?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nca.\n\nGEORGE\nah.\n\nDRIVER\nMy ears are still ringing. Some woman's\nidea of a joke.\n\nElaine gets in. The driver looks up and notices her. He gets\nangry.\n\nA moment later, the group gets out of the car.\n\nDRIVER\nGet out. Get out. Go on. Hey. Shut the\ndoor.\n\nKramer shuts the door and the car takes off, squeeling the tires.\n\nAt the party.\n\nJERRY\nYou know the whole idea of taking the\ncar service was so I wouldn't have to\nfight the traffic on Friday night.\n\nLaura sees the group and gets up. She points to her watch.\n\nJERRY\nI know. I'm late. Hey now I know two\nsigns, (puts his hand in the air) check,\nand (points to his watch) late. Hey\nthis is the guy you helped become the\nfirst ball man.\n\nKramer and Laura start signing to each other. We see confusion\nfrom them as they are signing. George puts his forhead on his\nhand.\n\nKRAMER\nShe doesn't know what she's talking\nabout.\n\nTODD\nGuys you made it.\n\nGEORGE\nHey hey.\n\nTODD\nSorry to hear about Gwen.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy? Did she say something to you about\nwhy she broke up with me?\n\nTODD\nOh no. Tonight will be the first chance\nI've had to talk to her. Look George,\nI'm friends with both of you. I can't\nbetray her confidence by telling you\nanything.\n\nGEORGE\nI wouldn't hear of it, huh. It's none\nof my business. You should try to find\nout everything you possibly can. In\nfact, I'll even stay all the way on\nthe other side of the room so there's\nno chance of me overhearing anything.\n\nTODD\nYou are so centered.\n\nGEORGE\n(to the others) Let's go, let's go.\nAll right what are they saying?\n\nGwen and Todd talk. Laura makes hand signs and Kramer translates.\n\nKRAMER\n\"Hi Gwen, hi tide.\"\n\nJERRY\nHi tide?\n\nKRAMER\nHi Todd.\n\nKRAMER\n\"You've got something between your teeth\"\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nNo that's what he said. \"That's interesting.\nI love carrots, but I hate carrot soup.\nAnd I hate peas, but I love pea soup.\"\nSo do I.\n\nELAINE\nShe's so wild. Can I borrow her for\na few hours tomorrow afternoon?\n\nJERRY\nNo. If I lend her to you I'll have to\nlend her to everybody.\n\nGWEN\nI don't envy you Todd. The place is\ngoing to be a mess.\n\nTODD\nMaybe you can stick around after everybody\nleaves and we can sweep together.\n\nKRAMER\n\"Why don't you stick around and we can\nsleep together.\"\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\n\"You want me to sleep with you?\"\n\nTODD\nI don't want to sweep alone.\n\nKRAMER\nHe says \"I don't want to sleep alone.\"\nShe says, oh boy, \"love to.\"\n\nGeorge walks across the room over to them.\n\nGEORGE\nSo you're getting rid of me and now\nthe two of you are going to sleep together?\n\nGWEN\nWhat? You're crazy.\n\nKRAMER\n\"What? You're crazy.\"\n\nGEORGE\nI heard your whole conversation.\n\nGWEN\nHow?\n\nKRAMER\n\"How?\"\n\nGEORGE\n(looks back to the group) I can read\nlips. You said let's sleep together.\n\nGWEN\nNo I didn't. I said \"sweep\". Let's sweep\ntogether, you know with a broom. Cleaning\nup.\n\nKRAMER\n\"... with a broom, cleaning up.\"\n\nGEORGE\nSweep?\n\nGWEN\nYes sweep.\n\nKRAMER\n\"Yes sweep.\"\n\nGEORGE\nCut it.\n\nKRAMER\nGeorge says \"Cut it.\"\n\nGEORGE\nCut it.\n\nKRAMER\nGeorge is saying \"Cut it.\"\n\nGEORGE\nCut it. (goes back to the group) (Yelling)\nWould you stop signing? She said \"sweep\ntogether\" you idiots, not \"sleep together.\"\n\nLaura's mouth is wide open. She looks at Kramer and points to\nGeorge. She is mad at Kramer. Aparently she did say sweep and\nKramer mis-translated. She signs to Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nI know how to sign.\n\nKramer and Laura are arguing back and forth with sign language.\nThey are gesturing signs fiercely. One of Laura's signs causes\nher hand to swing backwards and hit George in the face.\n\nGEORGE\nOw. My eye, my eye.\n\n(At the tennis court)\n\nELAINE\nIt's so amazing getting to see Monica\nSellas playing in the finals.\n\nJERRY\nI know and on the first tournament of\nher comeback.\n\nKramer is sitting poised on the sideline. He waves back to the\ngroup. George and Elaine gives him a thumbs up. The two players\nhit the ball back and forth. The ball lands in the net. Kramer\nsprings into action running toward the ball and runs into Monica\nSellas. Monica falls to the ground in pain.\n\nJERRY\nThus ends the great ball man experiment.\n\nLaura gets into the car service car.\n\nDRIVER\nYou with the tennis center?\n\nLAURA\nYep.\n\nDRIVER\nHey how about that ball man injuring\nMonica Sellas. Wasn't that something.\n\nLaura. I'm deaf.\n\nDRIVER\nOh. (Very suspicious look on his face.)\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Non-Fat-Yogurt.html",
    "text": "THE NON-FAT YOGURT\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David\n\nJERRY\nI've always been a big fan of the little\ncheck move. You\n\nknow. Unless the waiter's not too sharp, then you got to total\n\nit up. Sometimes they have to come over, \"Do you want the\n\ncheck?\" \"No, I want to be pen pals. Can't you see what I'm\n\ndoing here? I'm trying to be cool and impress people.\"\n\nELAINE\nHmm!\n\nGEORGE\nFantastic!\n\nJERRY\nI told you. How good is this?\n\nGEORGE\nGood.\n\nJERRY\nHow good?\n\nGEORGE\nVery good.\n\nELAINE\nThey got blue berries. And there's real\nblue berries. What\n\nkind did you get?\n\nJERRY\nCoffee. And they grind up the coffee\nbeans, and they put it\n\nin.\n\nELAINE\nLet me test-taste that.\n\nJERRY\nHuh? Huh?\n\nELAINE\nHmm! Rico!\n\nJERRY\nSuave! And it's non-fat!\n\nGEORGE\nSee, how could this not have any fat?\nIt's too good.\n\nELAINE\nYou want to taste mine?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, you want to taste mine.\n\nELAINE\nNo, I don't.\n\nGEORGE\nOkay, if you want to taste mine, you\ndon't have to offer me\n\nsome of yours.\n\nELAINE\nAll right, let's just forget it.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, Kramer's going to clean up\non this place.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat do you mean?\n\nJERRY\nHe invested in it.\n\nGEORGE\nNo kidding?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. We've been coming here everyday.\nThis is so\n\n*beep*ing good.\n\nLADY\nJerry!\n\nJERRY\nOh, I'm sorry.\n\nELAINE\nAll right, we should get going. But,\nI'm going to get a little\n\nbit more, okay?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, god. Look who's here.\n\nJERRY\nWho is it?\n\nGEORGE\nThis guy from my old neighborhood. Lloyd:\nBraun. He's a\n\nbig advisor to Mayor Dinkins. He thinks he's so cool.\n\nJERRY\nOh, really?\n\nLLOYD\nHey, George!\n\nGEORGE\nHey! Lloyd! My friend Jerry.\n\nLLOYD\nSo, I hear you're living back home now?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, there was a fire in my apartment.\n\nLLOYD\nFire! Whoa! There's a lot of major chicks\nin this place,\n\nhuh? Something wrong with your arm?\n\nGEORGE\nUh, uh, yeah. Actually, the, uh, I bumped\nmy elbow on a\n\ndesk and injured something. And now it sort of moves\n\ninvoluntarily.\n\nLLOYD\nWow, that's a bitch, huh?\n\nLLOYD\nSo, how are your parents doing?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, pretty good.\n\nLLOYD\nThis place does some business, huh?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, this is my first time here.\n\nLLOYD\nHey, she's a doll.\n\nELAINE\nHi!\n\nGEORGE\nUh, Elaine, this is, uh, Lloyd.\n\nELAINE\nHi!\n\nLLOYD\nOh, hi! Very nice to meet you.\n\nELAINE\nNice to meet you, too!\n\nLLOYD\nWell, I'm really sorry I got to run\nnow. Well, take it easy,\n\nhuh, George?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah! Yeah.\n\nELAINE\nBoy, he is really cute!\n\nGEORGE\nHe's a jerk.\n\nJERRY\nHe's gone, George.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. All right.\n\nKRAMER\nSo, there were a lot of people there,\nhuh?\n\nJERRY\nOh, man, that yogurt place - you're\ngoing to make a fortune.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nThey're doing an incredible business.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well, I told you to go in on it.\n\nJERRY\nHow did you know?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I tasted it at the one downtown.\nIt's got a remarkable\n\ntexture. You'd never know it was non-fat.\n\nJERRY\nYeah?\n\nELAINE\nBuzz me.\n\nJERRY\nOh. Hey, I had the show of my life last\nnight. I ad-libbed\n\nlike ten new minutes.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, but did you tape it?\n\nJERRY\nRight there. I got it. I did this thing\non the Ottoman Empire.\n\nLike, what was this? A whole empire based on putting your\n\nfeet up?\n\nKRAMER\nYes!\n\nJERRY\nI'm telling you, I got like a whole\nnew Tonight Show here.\n\nELAINE\nHey!\n\nKRAMER\nHey!\n\nJERRY\nWhat's the matter?\n\nELAINE\nOh, I was having lunch, and I bit down\non the fork.\n\nJERRY\nBoy, it's hard to believe - with all\nthat biting experience - a\n\nperson could still make a mistake like that.\n\nKRAMER\nYow!\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you're getting heavy. Yeah, you\nlook like you put on\n\nfive, ten pounds.\n\nJERRY\nKramer!\n\nKRAMER\nI'll tell you something else, you're\nlooking a little chunky\n\nyourself, buddy.\n\nJERRY\nMe?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nELAINE\nWhere's your bathroom scale? Oh my god,\nI've gained seven\n\npounds.\n\nJERRY\nI've gained eight.\n\nKRAMER\nI told you.\n\nELAINE\nOh, my god! A couple, but 7 pounds.\nHow did I gain 7\n\npounds?\n\nJERRY\nHow did I gain eight?\n\nELAINE\nI don't get it. I, I've been doing the\nsame exercises. I\n\nhaven't been eating anything different.\n\nJERRY\nMe, either. Wait a second. Wait a second.\nMaybe it's that\n\nyogurt.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, no. That's hundred percent yogurt.\n\nJERRY\nWell, how else could this have happened?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, maybe it's the Oreos.\n\nELAINE\nI don't eat Oreos.\n\nKRAMER\nYou don't eat Oreos? The way you break\nthem open?\n\nYou're ~ practically having sex with them.\n\nJERRY\nWhat about me?\n\nKRAMER\nYou? You're getting old.\n\nJERRY\nMaybe your yogurt isn't so non-fat.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, guess again, Tubby!\n\nELAINE\nJerry, there's got to be a way to find\nthat out.\n\nJERRY\nThere must be some kind of lab that\nwould do that kind of\n\nthing.\n\nELAINE\nGasp! I've got it.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nI'll call the Food and Drug Administration.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, I'll tell you what, Chubby, if\nthat yogurt has fat in it, I\n\nwill put myself on an all-yogurt diet for a week.\n\nJERRY\nWell, let's start the insanity.\n\nKRAMER\nGiddy-up!\n\nDad Tommy Tune is a very good dancer. You ever see Tommy\n\nTune dancing?\n\nGEORGE\nNo.\n\nMOM\nI like tap dancing.\n\nDad Tap dancing. Anyone can tap dance. It's all in those shoes.\n\nMOM\nAre you kidding? They practice for years,\nthose people.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's for supper?\n\nMOM\nSomebody's at the door.\n\nDad Tommy Tune is very tall. That helps. It makes him lankier.\n\nMOM\nLloyd?\n\nLLOYD\nHello, Mrs. Costanza.\n\nMOM\nGeorgie, Lloyd: Braun is here.\n\nDad Hey! Lloyd!\n\nMOM\nWhat are you doing here?\n\nLLOYD\nWell, I was just in the neighborhood\nvisiting my mother, and\n\nso I thought I'd drop by and say, \"Hello\".\n\nMOM\nGeorgie. Come here and say hello.\n\nDad How are you doing, Lloyd? I hear you're a big advisor for\n\nDinkins now.\n\nLLOYD\nThat's right. Hey, George.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, Lloyd. How's it going?\n\nLLOYD\nI ran into George: yesterday in the\ncity.\n\nMOM\nOw! What's the matter with you?\n\nLLOYD\nSo, uh, how's the arm, huh?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, it's good. It's good.\n\nMOM\nWhat's the matter with your arm?\n\nGEORGE\nNothing.\n\nLLOYD\nOh, his arm moves like this.\n\nDad Your arm moves like this?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nDad I never seen your arm move like this.\n\nMOM\nMe, either.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, it comes and goes.\n\nDad It's like some kind of a spasm.\n\nLLOYD\nOoh! I asked Mr. Dinkins if he knew\nany good orthopedists,\n\nand he said he had the best. So, I made an appointment for\n\nyou. Dr. Dekter.\n\nMOM\nMayor Dinkins got an appointment for\nhim?\n\nDad You mentioned George's name to Mayor Dinkins? You\n\nDISCUSSED GEORGE\nwith the mayor of New York?\n\nMOM\nDinkins was talking about you. He was\ndiscussing you.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, Lloyd, I've been to the doctor\n- there's really\n\nnothing they can do.\n\nDad Hey, Mayor Dinkins set this up for you. You know what\n\nkind of a doctor this must be if Dinkins knows him?\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. All right. I'll go.\n\nLLOYD\nWell, that's great. And, uh, I'll be\nvery interested to hear the\n\ndiagnosis.\n\nELAINE\nUh-huh. Okay, well, we're coming down.\nAll right. Okay.\n\nI got a place that can analyze it. It's in Brooklyn. We have\n\nto drive there.\n\nJERRY\nAnd they said they can do it?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, it's forty-five bucks.\n\nJERRY\nAll right. Let's go down to the yogurt\nstore, and we'll get a\n\nspecimen.\n\nELAINE\nHm-hmm.\n\nLady Well, I hope you're satisfied.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nLady Every word out of my son's mouth now is *beep*, *beep*,\n\n*beep*. You know what he said to me five minutes ago?\n\nWhere's my *beep*ing cupcake?\n\nJERRY\nGee, I'm really sorry.\n\nLady He wants to be like you because you're a comedian. Maybe\n\nyou could talk to him?\n\nJERRY\nI'd be happy to.\n\nLady Thank you.\n\nJERRY\nAh, Mary, we've been eating a lot of\nyour husband's yogurt\n\nat the yogurt place - does that have any fat in it?\n\nLady No *beep*ing way!\n\nLLOYD\nWell, it was very nice seeing you again.\n\nMOM\nOh, it was good seeing you.\n\nLLOYD\nOh, um, by the way, who was that gorgeous\nwoman I saw\n\nyou with the other day?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, uh, just a friend of mine.\n\nMOM\nYou must mean Elaine. Isn't she adorable?\n\nLLOYD\nShe is. She is. How about giving me\nher number?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, you know, Lloyd, I really don't\nhave it.\n\nMOM\nShe works at Pendant Publishing. Elaine:\nBenice.\n\nLLOYD\nOh, great. Thanks a lot!\n\nGEORGE\nYeah!\n\nLLOYD\nSo long.\n\nMOM\nBye! Oh, that Lloyd: Braun. He is something,\nisn't he?\n\nNewman Well, I wouldn't hear of it. I said, \"Nice try, granny!\"\nAnd I\n\nsent her to the back of the line!\n\nJERRY\nHello, Newman.\n\nNewman Hello, Jerry. Say, this yogurt is really something, huh?\nAnd\n\nit's non-fat! I've been waiting for something like this my\n\nwhole life! And it's finally here!\n\nOwner Hey, Seinfeld. I'd appreciate it if you'd stop using obscenities\n\naround my son, huh?\n\nJERRY\nIt was an accident. I'm going to talk\nto him.\n\nELAINE\nI want a small, plain vanilla in a cup\nto go. That's non-fat,\n\nright?\n\nOwner That's right.\n\nELAINE\n'Cause I'm on a special diet, and the\ndoctor said I can't have\n\nany fat.\n\nOwner Yeah, well, there is no fat.\n\nNewman Hey, another round of strawberry for me and my friends.\n\nELAINE\nHurry, Jerry! Hurry!\n\nJERRY\nHow's it doing?\n\nELAINE\nNot too good.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you can't have this tested now.\nIt's melting.\n\nJERRY\nSo what.\n\nKRAMER\nIt changes the molecules.\n\nJERRY\nOh, you don't know what you're talking\nabout.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, fatso! I got a 90 in biology.\n\nJERRY\nYou call me fatso one more time; you're\ngoing to be walking\n\nback.\n\nELAINE\nUm, hi! Hi. I called earlier about getting\nthe yogurt tested.\n\nLabbie Oh, right. Would you fill this out, please?\n\nELAINE\nYeah. Oh, does it matter if it's melted?\n\nLabbie No! You know, this is going to take a couple of days.\n\nELAINE\nThat's okay.\n\nKRAMER\nHello, there.\n\nLABBETTE\nHello!\n\nKRAMER\nOoh! Test tubes. Cool!\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you got there?\n\nLabbie Actually, this is Mr. Giuliani's blood. We're doing a\n\ncholesterol work up on it.\n\nJERRY\nOh.\n\nELAINE\nOkay, I'm done.\n\nLABBETTE\nIt was really nice meeting you.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, the pleasure's all mine.\n\nJERRY\nYou can't take that chemist out.\n\nKRAMER\nWhy not?\n\nJERRY\nBecause she's like the jury. She's going\nto be sequestered.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm not taking her out just to influence\nthe results.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I think the whole thing stinks.\n\nELAINE\nIt smells. Smells bad. Smells really\nbad.\n\nJERRY\nThat's enough.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nWell, with the smells.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, he made an appointment for me to\nsee Dinkins' doctor.\n\nHe's just trying to humiliate me.\n\nJERRY\nUh-huh.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd I have to go. If I don't go, he'll\nknow I'm lying.\n\nJERRY\nWell, so, what are you going to do?\nSit in the doctor's office\n\ndoing this? He's going to think you're a mental patient.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't care. Look, Lloyd: doesn't know\nwhat he's up against.\n\nThis is nothing to me. My whole life is a lie.\n\nELAINE\nHey!\n\nG&J Hey.\n\nELAINE\nSo, guess who called me.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, don't tell me. Lloyd?\n\nELAINE\nWe're going out tomorrow night.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, look, he's going to ask you about\nmy arm. So, just tell\n\nhim I banged it against a desk. And it's been moving\n\ninvoluntarily ever since.\n\nELAINE\nI can't say that.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy not?\n\nELAINE\nWhat if I like him? I'm going to start\nout lying to this guy?\n\nGEORGE\nSo, you're taking his side?\n\nELAINE\nNo. But what if we get married or something?\nWe'll always\n\nhave that between us.\n\nGEORGE\nAlready you're marrying this guy?\n\nELAINE\nYou never know.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, believe me, you're not going\nto marry him.\n\nELAINE\nAll right, well, then what if we become\na couple, George?\n\nEvery time we see you you're going to be walking around\n\ngoing like this? Even you can't keep that up.\n\nJERRY\nNo, I believe he can.\n\nLady Hi!\n\nJERRY\nHi!\n\nLady You know Jerry.\n\nSon Of course, he's the funny *beep*er.\n\nLady See!\n\nJERRY\nListen, Matthew, I want to explain something\nto you. Now,\n\ncursing is not something that most comedians do.\n\nSon You did it.\n\nJERRY\nThat's true. But it was an accident.\nAnd I haven't done it\n\nsince. And I would never do it again. And if you continue\n\ncursing, you'll never become a comedian like me when you\n\ngrow up. Excuse me one second.\n\nELAINE\nYou know, Lloyd: advises Dinkins on\neverything he does.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, yeah. Big advisor.\n\nELAINE\nHe tells him which soap to use.\n\nJERRY\nWhat the *beep* are you doing? You little\npiece of *beep*.\n\nLABBETTE\nShh! We don't want to disturb the security\nguard.\n\nKRAMER\nWhere's the lights. Whoa!\n\nLABBETTE\nHow about this?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah! Bunsen burner. You want a taste?\nIt's Cappuccino.\n\nLABBETTE\nIt's delicious.\n\nKRAMER\nI hear you.\n\nLABBETTE\nNon-fat?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you tell me. Is the verdict in\nyet?\n\nLABBETTE\nNo.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, this is in case there's a tie!\n\nELAINE\nWell, as far as I know, he bumped his\narm into a door and\n\nit's kind of got this involuntarily movement. Some sort of a\n\nspasm. So, anyway, you're a big advisor to Dinkins, huh?\n\nLLOYD\nYeah, yeah. It's coming right down to\nthe wire.\n\nELAINE\nWow! You know what I would do if I was\nrunning for\n\nmayor. One of my campaign themes would be that everybody\n\nshould wear name tags all the time to make the city friendlier.\n\nLLOYD\nName tags, hmm?\n\nELAINE\nWell, everybody would know everybody.\nIt would be like a\n\nsmall town.\n\nLLOYD\nMaybe I'll mention that to him.\n\nELAINE\nReally? Wow!\n\nLLOYD\nYou sure you don't want any yogurt?\n\nELAINE\nNo, I'm watching my weight.\n\nLLOYD\nWell, it's nonfat.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, so they say.\n\nLLOYD\nWell, should we go?\n\nELAINE\nYeah. Okay.\n\nELAINE\nThree days and he hasn't called me,\nand you know why?\n\nBecause he thinks I'm too fat.\n\nJERRY\nHe said that?\n\nELAINE\nNo, but I saw the look on his face when\nhe put his arm\n\naround me. And then we went to his apartment, and I sat on\n\none of his chairs and it broke. And he says, \"Boy, you're a\n\nlot of woman!\"\n\nKRAMER\nHey! So, hear anything on the yogurt?\n\nJERRY\nNo, but I expect to hear anytime.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I wouldn't get your hopes up.\n\nJERRY\nWhy do you say that?\n\nKRAMER\nNo reason. Oh, did you hear about that\nDinkins?\n\nELAINE\nNo. What about him?\n\nKRAMER\nYou didn't hear?\n\nELAINE\nUn-huh.\n\nKRAMER\nHe's proposing a plan where everyone\nin the city should wear\n\nname tags.\n\nJERRY\nName tags?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah! So people can go around saying\n\"hello\" to one another.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I see. So you can go, \"Hey, you\nknow who I saw\n\nwilding today? Herb!\"\n\nKRAMER\nHe's become the laughing stock! You\nknow The Times has\n\nalready stated it could cost him the election. Name tags!\n\nJERRY\nHello? Yes. Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh, really?\nOkay, thank you\n\nvery much. Bye-bye. Well, the yogurt verdict is in. Fat!\n\nKRAMER\nYeow!\n\nGEORGE\nThe next morning, I woke up, and it\nwas going like this. I\n\ncan control it if I really concentrate. But otherwise, oh!\n\nDOCTOR\nYes, well, I'm going to have to be perfectly\nhonest with you.\n\nGEORGE\nPlease, doctor.\n\nDOCTOR\nI've examined you.\n\nGEORGE\nYes.\n\nDOCTOR\nI've looked at your X-rays.\n\nGEORGE\nUh-huh.\n\nDOCTOR\nAnd I find that there's absolutely nothing\nwrong with you.\n\nGEORGE\nHmm. Really? Nothing?\n\nDOCTOR\nNothing that would indicate involuntary\nspasms.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, it's kind of a mystery, isn't\nit?\n\nDOCTOR\nNo, not really.\n\nGEORGE\nHow so?\n\nDOCTOR\nMay I suggest the possibility that you're\nfaking?\n\nGEORGE\nFaking? What makes you think that I\nhave time to see\n\ndoctors, take X-rays, make appointments, when there's\n\nabsolutely nothing wrong with me? What kind of a person\n\nwould do a thing like that?\n\nDOCTOR\nI don't know what kind of a person would\ndo something like\n\nthat. Obviously a very sick person. A very immature person.\n\nA person who has no regard for wasting other people's\n\nvaluable time. Good-bye.\n\nGEORGE\nNow, see here, doctor.\n\nDOCTOR\nI said, good-bye.\n\nGEORGE\nFine. Ow!\n\nELAINE\nJerry, come on, look. Let's go over\nto that yogurt store.\n\nJERRY\nLook, Elaine, I've been thinking about\nthis. This has got to\n\nbe a massive conspiracy. Who knows how deep it goes. Hey,\n\nlook, wait a second, Kramer, turn that up.\n\nKRAMER\nOkay.\n\nNEWS\nRudy Giuliani, who underwent a physical\nlast week, received\n\nsome startling news today when his cholesterol count turned\n\nout to be a whopping 375. What effect this will have on the\n\nminds of the voters remains to be seen. In another\n\ndevelopment, Mayor Dinkins has fired his top advisor, Lloyd\n\nBraun, who is believed to be responsible for the name tag\n\nfiasco. We now take you to Giuliani headquarters where Rudy\n\nGiuliani is about to make a statement.\n\nGIULIANI\nIt's hard to understand. Because I've\nbeen doing everything I\n\nnormally do. I've been watching my diet very carefully. I\n\nexercise regularly. My only indulgence, I guess, would be that\n\nI eat a lot of frozen yogurt. But it's non-fat.\n\nJERRY\nYogurt? Oh, my god. They got Giuliani\nand he doesn't even\n\nknow it.\n\nELAINE\nNow look what you've done.\n\nJERRY\nWell, we've got to do something. I'm\ncalling Giuliani's\n\nheadquarters.\n\nGEORGE\nName tags! Name tags! What kind of an\nidiot thinks\n\nanybody would be interested in an idea like that.\n\nDad I don't think it's so bad. People should wear name tags.\n\nEveryone would be a lot friendlier. \"Hello, Sam.\" \"How are\n\nyou doing, Joe?\" Hey, your arm. It moved again. I thought\n\nyou said it went away.\n\nGEORGE\nI banged it on the desk in the doctor's\noffice. And ...\n\nMOM\nBe quiet. They're starting the press\nconference.\n\nGiuliani My campaign staff has received some very disturbing\n\ninformation regarding the fat content in yogurt that's being\n\nsold throughout the city. I pledge to you now, that if I'm\n\nelected mayor, as my first order of business I'll appoint a\n\nspecial task force to investigate this matter. I promise you,\n\nmy fellow New Yorkers, that Mayor Giuliani will do\n\neverything possible to cleanse this city of this falsified non-fat\n\nyogurt.\n\nJERRY\nThe old yogurt was so much better. Oh,\nthis is terrible.\n\nGEORGE\nPhew!\n\nELAINE\nOh, it stinks.\n\nKRAMER\nMine, too. I got one more day.\n\nJERRY\nI can't eat this.\n\nNewman Hey, Jerry. Thanks a lot. I hope you're happy.\n\nJERRY\nIt had fat in it, it's not good for\nyou.\n\nNewman I don't care. It was good. I was enjoying it. Had to\n\ninterfere. Couldn't leave well enough alone. Well, I will get\n\neven with you for this. You can count on it.\n\nELAINE\nHey, you guys, listen to this. Listen\nto this. Apparently\n\nsome blood spilled into Mr. Giuliani's test tube causing his\n\ncholesterol count to be 150 points higher than was initially\n\nreported. Ironically, the mishap by bringing the non-fat yogurt\n\nscandal to the attention of the public, probably clinched the\n\nelection for the Republican. It was the one issue which\n\nseemed to electrify the voters and swept Giuliani into office.\n\nJERRY\nSo, in effect, the yogurt won him the\nelection.\n\nELAINE\nI wonder what actually happened in that\nlab.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, me, too.\n\nNewman I can't eat this.\n\nBOY\nThanks for ruining my daddy's business,\nyou fat *beep*!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Barber.html",
    "text": "THE BARBER\n\nWritten by\n\nAndy Robin\n\nMR. TUTTLE\nWell George we here at Sanalac like\nto think of ourselves as a fairly progressive\ncompany. We\n\nhave a small but prestigious group of clients.\n\nGEORGE\nWell a lot of people consider me small\nand prestigious.\n\nMR. TUTTLE\nThat's funny George. You're very quick.\nI feel like I, like I don't have to\nexplain every little\n\nthing to you. You understand everything immediately.\n\nGEORGE\nI enjoy understanding.\n\nMR. TUTTLE\nI want you to have this job. Of course...\n\nSECRETARY\nMr. Zimmer is on line 2.\n\nMR. TUTTLE\nThanks. I've got to take this call.\nListen, I'm really glad that you came\nin.\n\n(commercial)\n\nAt Monk's\n\nGEORGE\nI want you to have this job. Of course...\n\nJERRY\nYeah?\n\nGEORGE\nThat's it.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you mean that's it?\n\nGEORGE\nHe never finished the sentence. He got\na call, that was the end of the interview.\n\nJERRY\n\"Of course\" was the last thing he said?\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe he was going to say \"Of course\nI have to check with my associates.\"\n\nELAINE\n\"I want you to have this job, of course\nthe Board of Directors is under indictment\nand will be\n\nserving time.\"\n\nJERRY\n\"I want you to have this job, of course\nsodomy is a prerequisite.\"\n\nGEORGE\nAll right.\n\nELAINE\nWhy don't you go ahead and call him?\n\nGEORGE\nBecause he made a big deal about how\nI understand everything immediately.\nThat's what\n\nimpressed him.\n\nJERRY\nSo if you call and ask if you have the\njob, you might lose the job.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd if I don't call...\n\nJERRY\nYou might have the job, but you'll never\nknow it. What kind of company is it?\n\nGEORGE\nRest stop supply.\n\nKramer comes in and sits down.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah, yeah, hey.\n\nJERRY\nShower?\n\nKRAMER\nHaircut.\n\nJERRY\nWho'd you use? Gino?\n\nKRAMER\nOh course. I wouldn't let that other\nbutcher cut my hair.\n\nELAINE\nWhat butcher?\n\nKRAMER\nThe uncle Enzo. That's the guy Jerry\nuses.\n\nJERRY\nWell I've been going with him for 12\nyears. I can't switch. I'd hurt his\nfeelings.\n\nELAINE\nYou never get good haircuts.\n\nKRAMER\nYou can get a good one today. It's Enzo's\nday off. Gino's there all by himself.\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\nELAINE\nYeah. You know what, you should go over\nthere and get one to look good for my\nbachelor\n\nauction.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat bachelor auction?\n\nELAINE\nOh it's a thing where they auction off\ndates with bachelors for charity.\n\nKRAMER\nAnd you didn't ask me to do it? I could\nraise enough money to cure polio.\n\nJERRY\nI believe they've had a cure for polio\nfor quite some time.\n\nKRAMER\nPolio?\n\nELAINE\nWill you go ahead? You need a haircut.\n\nJERRY\nOkay.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat are you all dressed up for?\n\nGEORGE\nI had a job interview.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. How'd it go?\n\nGEORGE\nGood. Of course...\n\nAt the barber shop\n\nENZO\nOh Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nOh hi Enzo.\n\nENZO\nOh, you've come for the haircut.\n\nJERRY\nNo, actually I was just...\n\nENZO\nIt's my day off, but I take care of\nyou anyway because you're my favorite\ncustomer. You've been\n\nwith me for so long. You're so loyal.\n\nJERRY\nWell I, if it's your day off I really...\n(tries to leave)\n\nENZO\n(He pulls Jerry into the barber chair.\nJerry is trying to get away but can't.)\nEh, what's the difference.\n\nIt takes 10 minutes. Jerry, today I'm going to do something special\nfor you.\n\nJERRY\nWell I don't want to take too much off.\n\nENZO\nHey who's your barber, eh? You tell\nthe joke, I cut the hair.\n\nMAN\nGino, you've outdone yourself this time.\nThis is the best haircut I've ever had.\n\nAt Jerry's apartment.\n\nJerry is sitting down on the couch with a really bad haircut.\nHe is holding a mirror. Jerry and George are\n\nlooking in disbelief at the haircut.\n\nGEORGE\nHe massacred you. You look like you're\nfive years old.\n\nJERRY\nWhat if I shampoo? Sometimes a shampoo\nhelps.\n\nGEORGE\nYou've got to start seeing someone else.\nGet out of this relationship.\n\nJERRY\nI can't. He loves me. He says I'm his\nmost loyal customer. Plus he's right\nthere on the corner. I'd\n\nhave to pass him every day when I go by.\n\nGEORGE\nYou gotta do it.\n\nJERRY\nI can't, I can't. I'd break his heart.\n\nKramer enters. He flinches when he sees the haircut.\n\nKRAMER\nNo way my Gino did that. It's an Enzo.\n\nJERRY\nHe did the job. You told me he wasn't\ngoing to be there.\n\nKRAMER\nSo what?\n\nJERRY\nI didn't want to hurt his feelings.\n\nKRAMER\nHis feelings? You can't continue seeing\nhim. You're destroying yourself. I'm\nnot going to let\n\nyou. If you don't call him I will.\n\nJERRY\nNo Kramer. I don't want you to do that.\nYou can't do that.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm going to call Gino, you're going\nto see him, and we're going to get that\nhaircut fixed up.\n\nJERRY\nI don't want you to call him.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, geez. You're crazy.\n\nKramer leaves.\n\nGEORGE\nSo I still haven't heard about that\njob.\n\nJERRY\nYeah that's a tough one. What are you\ngoing to do about that?\n\nGEORGE\nI have an idea.\n\nJERRY\nYeah?\n\nGEORGE\nI show up.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you mean you show up?\n\nGEORGE\nI show up. I pretend I have the job.\nThe guy's on vacation. If I have the\njob, it's fine. If I don't\n\nhave the job, by the time he comes back, I'm ensconced.\n\nJERRY\nHmm. Not bad.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's the worst thing that could happen?\n\nJERRY\nWell, you'd be embarrassed and humiliated\nin front of a large group of people\nand have to walk out\n\nin shame with your tail between your legs.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, so?\n\nAt the office.\n\nGEORGE\n(to various people as he walks in) Good\nmorning. Good morning. Good morning.\nHi nice to see\n\nyou. How are you. Good morning. (to the secretary) Good morning.\n\nSECRETARY\nHow can I help you?\n\nGEORGE\nThe name's George Constanza. I'm starting\nwork here today. I was wondering if\nyou could tell\n\nme where my office is.\n\nSECRETARY\nI wasn't aware that, uh, Mike, this\nis George Constanza. He's starting here\ntoday.\n\nMIKE\nWelcome aboard.\n\nGEORGE\nThanks Mike. Nice to be aboard.\n\nMIKE\nI wasn't aware that Mr. Tuttle was finished\ninterviewing.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, well, he was probably just getting\nanxious to start his vacation.\n\nSECRETARY\nHe wants to know where his office is.\n\nMIKE\nOh, ah, let's see, we've got two. There's\na big one down the hall there and a\nsmall one over here.\n\nYou know I should ask Jack.\n\nGEORGE\nOh leave Jack alone. Jack's got enough\nproblems. I'll just take the small office.\n\nMIKE\nReally?\n\nGEORGE\nYes. I like to feel cozy. I have a very\nsmall apartment. I like to feel tucked\nin, nestled in. Love\n\nto be nestled.\n\nMIKE\nAll right, it's 808 right down there.\nMeanwhile, I'll get you the Pensky file,\nyou can start working on that.\n\nGEORGE\nYes, yes of course. The Pensky file.\nHo ho, can't wait to sink my teeth into\nthat. Wow that\n\nPensky. Well we'll straighten him out.\n\nGeorge walks into his office. He sets down his briefcase and\ncoat and sits down. He quickly flips through\n\nthe folder, then drops the folder on his desk with a big thud.\n\nGeorge puts the folder in his briefcase. He picks up the briefcase\nand his coat and he walks out.\n\nAt Monk's. Jerry is wearing a baseball cap.\n\nJERRY\nSo what did you do there all day?\n\nGEORGE\nThey gave me the Pensky file.\n\nJERRY\nSo it's a nice place to work?\n\nGEORGE\nYou know I'm enjoying it very much.\nI think my coworkers are really taking\nto me.\n\n*flashback* (a white fuzzy border is around the TV screen)\n\nGEORGE\n(continuing) I feel like a family. In\nfact, yesterday was Grace's birthday.\nShe's such a sweet\n\nwoman so, we had a little party, with cake and champagne. I made\na toast.\n\n*end flashback*\n\nJERRY\nWhat about your boss? The guys you interviewed\nyou?\n\nGEORGE\nHe'll be back on Monday.\n\nElaine enters and sits down.\n\nJERRY\nHi.\n\nELAINE\nHi. How come you're wearing a hat?\n\nJERRY\nI got a haircut.\n\nELAINE\nOh yeah? Can I see it?\n\nJERRY\nOh there's nothing to see.\n\nELAINE\nCome on. Let me see it.\n\nJERRY\nForget it.\n\nELAINE\nCome on.\n\nJERRY\nAll right.\n\nJerry takes off his baseball cap. Elaine bursts out laughing.\nGeorge starts laughing. Jerry rolls his eyes in\n\nthe air. Elaine and George are still laughing. George pounds\nhis fist on the table.\n\nELAINE\n(still laughing, tears in her eyes)\nI'm sorry. I'm so sorry.\n\nJERRY\nWell I'll tell you this, you can forget\nabout me going to that bachelor auction.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? No Jerry, you have to go.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know Elaine, I'd do it but I'm working\nthat day.\n\nELAINE\n(dryly) Yeah, too bad.\n\nAt the barber shop. Gino is giving Kramer a shave.\n\nKRAMER\nIt the worst haircut Jerry's ever had.\nYou gotta fix it.\n\nGINO\nSure, I fix it. But you gotta make sure\nyou no tell anybody. He's a little crazy.\nI don't know what\n\nhe'd do if he found out I touch Jerry's hair. (Enzo enters) So\nI love the Edward Scissorhands. That's the\n\nbest movie I've ever seen.\n\nENZO\nOh ah, again with the Edward Scissorhands.\nHow can you have hand like scissors,\nhuh? Show me\n\none person who's got hand like scissors.\n\nGINO\nHey, it's a beautiful dream. I'd love\nto be this man.\n\nENZO\nDid you ever think about what you're\ngoing to do on the toilet? (yelling)\nWhat are you going to do\n\non the toilet?\n\nKRAMER\nI'd like to have shoehorn hands.\n\nAt Monk's.\n\nKRAMER\nOkay listen to me. I talked to Gino,\nhe's going to fix the haircut.\n\nELAINE\nOh great, then you can go to the bachelor\nauction.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, but how am I...\n\nKRAMER\nNo buts. His apartment tonight, Eight\no'clock.\n\nELAINE\nCan he fix it?\n\nKRAMER\nI don't know.\n\nAt Gino's apartment.\n\nGINO\nBoy, you've got a beautiful head of\nhair.\n\nJERRY\nThank you.\n\nGINO\nI bet uncle Enzo, he tell you that all\nthe time.\n\nJERRY\nWell actually Enzo hasn't said that\nto me in a while.\n\nGINO\nI don't think uncle Enzo realize what\na lucky barber he is.\n\nJERRY\nThat's nice of you to say.\n\nThe buzzer buzzes.\n\nGINO\nJust a second. Yes.\n\nENZO\n(over the speaker) It's your uncle Enzo.\n\nGINO\nIt's Uncle Enzo. Go in there. I'll clean\nup.\n\n\"The Barber of Seville\" music is playing.\n\nGino picks up the chair and puts it into the closet. He picks\nup a broom and sweeps some hair into the next\n\nroom.\n\n*knock, knock, knock*\n\nGino opens the door.\n\nGINO\nUncle Enzo, what are you doing here?\n\nENZO\nI've come to apologize.\n\nGINO\nApologize?\n\nENZO\nYes. I rented the move Edward Scissorhands.\nThat Johnny Depp, he make me cry.\n\nGINO\nHe make me cry too. You want something\nto drink?\n\nENZO\nHey, what's all of this?\n\nGINO\nNothing. It's just hair.\n\nENZO\nYou do haircut in the apartment?\n\nGINO\nNo. Pizza man was here. Maybe some fall\noff. He's going bald.\n\nENZO\nIt looks very familiar.\n\n(commercial)\n\nAt Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nIn the one minute he worked on me I\ncould tell he was really good.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Slow, gentle, attentive. I told\nyou he could do it.\n\nJERRY\nEnzo picked up one of my hairs off the\nfloor.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, so?\n\nJERRY\nI think he knew.\n\nKRAMER\nNo. He doesn't know.\n\nJERRY\nWho do you know? He knows my hair.\n\nKRAMER\nListen you're just imagining things.\nHe doesn't know a thing. Now come on.\nPull yourself\n\ntogether.\n\nJERRY\nOkay, okay.\n\nElaine enters.\n\nELAINE\nWhat happened? It looks the same.\n\nJERRY\nHe didn't get to finish it. His uncle\ncame in. We almost got caught.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, the auction is in a few hours.\n\nJERRY\nTake the K-man.\n\nELAINE\nYou can still go.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat are you kidding? Look at him. He's\ngrotesque.\n\nELAINE\nYou think?\n\nKRAMER\nDo I think? He's repugnant.\n\nElaine fiddles with the hair, trying to make it not look so bad.\nIt doesn't work.\n\nELAINE\nWhat would you wear?\n\nKRAMER\nWhatever it takes.\n\nAt the barber shop.\n\nENZO\nSee, now Newman is a good customer.\n\nNEWMAN\nOnce I find a barber I stick with him.\nI almost went to barber school. I always\nfelt I had a talent\n\nfor it.\n\nENZO\nOh, not everyone like Newman, so loyal.\n\nNEWMAN\nYeah, just the way that I was raised.\nI'm special.\n\nENZO\nYou know I don't mind if somebody's\nfunny, but I no like the funny business.\n\nGINO\nI'm going to go out for a little bit.\nI'll be right back.\n\nENZO\nTake your time. (Gino leaves) You happy\nwith the haircut?\n\nNEWMAN\nIt's okay. A little crooked.\n\nENZO\nHow'd you like to have free haircut\nfor six months.\n\nNEWMAN\nWhat's the catch?\n\nENZO\nYou're going to get me a sample of Jerry's\nhair.\n\nNEWMAN\nHmm, that job sounds like it might be\nworth a *year's* free haircuts. And\na comb.\n\nAt George's office.\n\nGeorge is \"playing the drums\" on his desk. He is tapping his\ndesk with pencils.\n\n*buzz*\n\nSECRETARY\n(over the speaker) Mr. Costanza, Mr.\nPensky is here to see you.\n\nGEORGE\nMr. Pensky? Of the Pensky file?\n\nPensky enters.\n\nPENSKY\nCostanza? Arthur Pensky.\n\nGEORGE\nMr. Pensky. I was just working on your\nfile. I was transferring the contents\nof the file into this\n\nflexible accordion-style folder.\n\nPENSKY\nWhere's Tuttle?\n\nGEORGE\nHe's on vacation.\n\nPENSKY\nHe was on vacation the last time I dropped\nby. Give me my file. (looks through\nthe file) Looks\n\nlike you put a lot of work into this.\n\nGEORGE\nWell you know in college they used to\ncall me the little bulldog.\n\nPENSKY\nHey, you are Pensky material. Would\nyou ever consider coming to work directly\nfor me?\n\nGEORGE\nReally?\n\nPENSKY\nYou are aware...\n\n*buzz*\n\nSECRETARY\n(over the speaker) Mr. Castanza?\n\nGEORGE\nNot now Florice.\n\nSECRETARY\n(speaker) I thought Mr. Pensky should\nknow they're towing his car.\n\nPENSKY\nDamn this city.\n\nPensky leaves.\n\nGEORGE\nI am aware. I am aware.\n\nAt Jerry's apartment.\n\nGINO\nHe knows. He knows about us.\n\nJERRY\nHow do you know?\n\nGINO\nBecause I know. He's crazy. All morning,\nhe looking at the hair. He *staring*\nat the hair.\n\n*knock knock knock*\n\nJERRY\nWho is it?\n\nNEWMAN\nIt's Newman.\n\nGINO\nHe was in the shop with Enzo. He can't\nsee me here.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, go in the bedroom. Open the\nwindow. You can go out the fire escape.\n\nJerry opens the door.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you want?\n\nNEWMAN\nCan I use your bathroom?\n\nJERRY\nWhat's wrong with yours?\n\nNEWMAN\nMy toilet's clogged.\n\nJERRY\nYou can't unclog it?\n\nNEWMAN\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nDid you ask Kramer?\n\nNEWMAN\nHe's out.\n\nJERRY\nNumber one?\n\nNEWMAN\nYes, yes. Can I go? Cause I gotta go\nvery badly.\n\nJERRY\nAll right. Flush twice.\n\nHe goes in the bathroom.\n\nNEWMAN\n(thinking to himself) (checks a comb)\nNo. (checks a brush) Jackpot. I don't\nbelieve this.\n\nThere's no hair in this thing. I've never seen a person that\ndidn't have at least *one* hair in a brush.\n\n(searches the bathtub drain) Unbelievable, nothing. (sees some\nscissors) Ahh.\n\nJERRY\nYou all right?\n\nNEWMAN\nYeah, yeah.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, I'll see you later.\n\nNEWMAN\nWhat are you doing?\n\nJERRY\nI'm watching Edward Scissorhands.\n\nNEWMAN\nOh, can I watch a little? It's my favorite\nmovie.\n\nJERRY\nYeah all right.\n\nNewman follows behind Jerry closely as Jerry goes to the kitchen.\nNewman puts the scissors close up to\n\nJerry's hair. Jerry turns around. Newman hides the scissors.\n\nJERRY\nYou want something to drink?\n\nNEWMAN\nNo.\n\nNewman tries again as Jerry goes to his couch. Newman follows\nbehind Jerry closely. Newman puts the\n\nscissors close up to Jerry's hair. Jerry turns around. Newman\nhides the scissors. Jerry looks at Newman\n\nconfused.\n\nJERRY\nIf you want to watch, sit down. You're\nmaking me nervous. I tell you this Scissorhands\nis a hell of\n\na barber.\n\nNewman reaches behind Jerry and get a snip of hair.\n\nNEWMAN\nGotta go. Oh gee, I dropped a nickel\n(reaches down and picks up the hair.)\n\nNewman leaves laughing. Jerry looks confused.\n\nAt the barber shop.\n\nENZO\nDid you get it? Oh you done good Newman.\n\nNEWMAN\nIt was a cinch. Where are you going?\n\nENZO\nIo volgio vandetta.\n\nAt the auction house.\n\nELAINE\nNine hundred. Do I hear a thousand?\nLadies, he is a Harvard graduate.\n\nWOMAN\nA thousand.\n\nELAINE\nA thousand. Okay, a thousand once, a\nthousand twice, a thousand three times,\nsold to the lucky\n\nlady in the third row. Congratulations, thank you so much.\n\nKramer peeks out the curtain and comes out and walks around on\nstage.\n\nELAINE\nOkay next bachelor is number, um 124\non your program. He's uh, he's a high\nschool graduate.\n\nKRAMER\nEquivalent.\n\nELAINE\nOh, uh equivalency. A high school equivalency\nprogram graduate. He's uh, self-employed.\nHe's...\n\nI don't know, six foot three, 190 pounds, he likes, uh... fruit,\nand he just got uh, a haircut.\n\nKramer steps from the stage onto a table. The table tips over\nand Kramer falls off.\n\nELAINE\nOh, Kramer. Okay uh, why don't we start\nthe bidding. Do I hear, uh, five bucks?\n\nAt Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nI don't get this Scissorhands. What,\nis he supposed to be like a super hero,\nlike Green Lantern or\n\nsomebody? What's with this guy? (Gino looks at him annoyed) Just\nasking.\n\n*knock, knock, knock*\n\nJERRY\nWho is it?\n\nENZO\n(yelling) Enzo Manginero.\n\n\"Barber of Seville\" music playing.\n\nJERRY\nOh my god, he knows. (Jerry and Gino\nscrambling) Go. (yelling to the door)\nOne second.\n\nENZO\nIt was you that was in Gino's apartment\nthe other night.\n\nJERRY\nNo I wasn't there.\n\nENZO\nDon't lie. I know it was you. I get\na sample of your hair. I match them\nup.\n\nJERRY\nSample? (under his breath) Newman. Uh,\nI was there but I was just dropping\noff a book.\n\nGINO\nDon't Jerry.\n\nENZO\nSo, it's true.\n\nGINO\nYes it's true.\n\nENZO\nI'm going to kill the both of you.\n\nEnzo notices \"Edward Scissorhands\" playing on the TV and becomes\ncalm.\n\nAt the office.\n\nGeorge is at his desk sleeping with a newspaper draped over him.\nTuttle walks in. He bangs on the door.\n\nGeorge wakes up.\n\nGEORGE\nMr. Tuttle, you're back.\n\nTUTTLE\nGeorge, I'm surprised to see you here.\n\nGEORGE\nYou are?\n\nTUTTLE\nI though you would have taken the large\noffice.\n\nGEORGE\nOh. Really.\n\nTUTTLE\nI guess I didn't make that clear when\nI hired you. So where's that Pensky\nfile? Let's see what\n\nyou've been up to all week. (pages through the file) What have\nyou been doing all week?\n\nGEORGE\nWell you missed a lovely little party\nthat we had for Grace.\n\nTUTTLE\nYou haven't done anything with this.\n\nGEORGE\nWell bear in mind that I am in the smaller\noffice.\n\nTUTTLE\nI'm beginning to wonder if you understand\nanything.\n\nGEORGE\nYou are aware that Pensky is interested\nin me.\n\nTUTTLE\n(scoffs) You're not Pensky material.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, we'll just see about that. Ta-ta,\nTut-tle.\n\nAt Jerry's apartment.\n\nGino and Enzo are watching \"Edward Scissorhands\" on TV. They\nare both sobbing.\n\nAt the barber shop.\n\n\"Barber of Seville\" music is playing.\n\nJerry looks in the barber shop window and sees Newman giving\na guy a haircut. He enters. Newman looks\n\nat him scared. Jerry picks up an electric razor and walks toward\nNewman. Newman is very frightened.\n\n(commercial)\n\nPENSKY\nGee George, I'm sorry I gave you the\nwrong impression. What is was going\nto say was, now you\n\nare aware that our Board of Directors has been indicted, myself\nincluded, and we're prohibited from doing\n\nbusiness until the investigation is completed. So obviously,\nwe would have no use for you.\n\nGEORGE\nObviously.\n\n*buzz*\n\nPENSKY\nYes.\n\nSECRETARY\n(over the speaker) Excuse me, but Mr.\nCostanza's car is being towed.\n\nGeorge waves his hand and the final note of \"Barber of Seville\"\nplays.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Masseuse.html",
    "text": "THE MASSEUSE\n\nWritten by\n\nPeter Mehlman\n\n(Comedy club)\n\n(Elaine's office and Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Elaine's on the phone with Jerry)\n\nJERRY\nNo eight years isn't such a long streak.\n\nELAINE\nIt isn't?\n\nJERRY\nNo I haven't vomited in thirteen years.\n\nELAINE\nGet out!\n\nJERRY\nNot since June 29, 1980.\n\nELAINE\nYou remember the date?\n\nJERRY\nYes, because my previous vomit was also\nJune 29th... 1972. That's why during\nthe '80 vomit, I was yelling to George:\n\"Can you believe it? I'm vomiting on\nJune 29th again.\"\n\nELAINE\nBoy, you know when Joel told me he hadn't\nthrown up in eight years, I was wondering\nif he was normal.\n\nJERRY\nYour boyfriend is a normal guy. He just\nhappens to have the same name as one\nof the worst serial killers in the history\nof New-York.\n\nELAINE\nYeah... (2 co-workers enter Elaine's\noffice) Oh Jer, I gotta go. I gotta\ngo. (she hangs up)\n\nJOANNE\nHi, we just saw your boyfriend at a\nbus stop.\n\nELAINE\nOh, yeah?\n\nJOANNE\nYeah. What's his name?\n\nELAINE\nJoel...\n\nJOANNE\nJoel what?\n\nELAINE\nUh... Rifkin.\n\nMICHAEL\nRifkin? Joel Rifkin?\n\nELAINE\nYeah. It's just a coincidence obviously.\n\nMICHAEL\nGuess you better keep on his good side.\n\nELAINE\nVery funny. That's very funny.\n\nJOANNE\nI wouldn't sleep with my back to him\nif I were you.\n\nELAINE\nAll right. Well that's enough of that.\nThat's enough.\n\nMICHAEL\nHey Elaine listen. If you smell anything\ndecaying in the trunk of his car...\n\nELAINE\n(she's upset, gets up and yells) OK\nlook this is my boyfriend we're talking\nabout OK? And he's a gentlemen, he's\ngood looking, he's a good shaver and\nhe hasn't thrown up in eigth years so\njust shut up about him! Shut up!\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's)\n\nELAINE\nThe whole city is talking about this\nmonster Joel Rifkin, and I am dating\na Joel Rifkin.\n\nJERRY\nBut you like your Joel Rifkin.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. I just wish he has a different\nname.\n\nJERRY\nAsk him to change it.\n\nELAINE\nYou can't ask a person to change their\nname.\n\nJERRY\nWhy not?\n\nELAINE\nWould you change yours?\n\nJERRY\nIf someone asked me nicely. I'm Claude\nSeinfeld.\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nELAINE\nHey, how many people did Rifkin strangle?\nEighteen?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Eighteen strangles.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know why Rifkin was a serial killer?\nBecause he was adopted. (saying it as\nhe's taking a lot of paper towels from\nJerry's roll; Elaine and Jerry are confused\nat Kramer's statement) Just like Son\nof Sam was adopted. So apparently adoption\nleads to serial killing. (Kramer leaves\nand we don't know why he needed so much\npaper towels)\n\nELAINE\nYou know Joel and I have an extra ticket\nto the Giants game.\n\n(Jerry doesn't have the time to open his mouth before Kramer\npops in again)\n\nKRAMER\nI'll go.\n\nELAINE\nO.K. I'll leave the ticket for you at\nwill call.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah! Ooh! (leaves again)\n\nELAINE\nYou think I should have asked George?\n\nJERRY\nHey did you hear that George got back\nwith Karen?\n\nELAINE\nKaren?\n\nJERRY\nRisotto. (we see a flashback from The\nMango where Karen tells George that\nshe feels full after a Risotto, as opposed\nto when she has sex with him)\n\nELAINE\nOh! The Risotto broad.\n\nJERRY\nYeah. He's really got a good thing with\nher. In fact I'm doubling with them\ntonight.\n\nELAINE\nI tought you didn't like double dates.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge likes them, he feels it's a good\npersonality showcase. He likes a date\nto see him with a friend so she can\nget a window into his nondate personality.\n\nELAINE\nI've looked through that window and\nscreamed at him to shut the blinds.\n\nJERRY\nHe feels he's funnier, more relaxed.\n\nELAINE\nAnd you're taking...\n\nJERRY\nJody the masseuse.\n\nELAINE\nHey, did you get a massage yet?\n\nJERRY\nNo! How many times do I have to go out\nwith her before I get a massage?\n\nELAINE\nJerry, she gives massages all day. She\ndoesn't wanna to give them on dates.\n\nJERRY\nYeah I know... She just wants to have\nsex.\n\nELAINE\nSo what?\n\nJERRY\nWell it's like going to Idhao and eating\ncarrots. I like carrots, but I'm in\nIdhao, I want a potato.\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(The Chinese restaurant (the same as in 'The Chinese Restaurant'))\n\n(Jerry, Jody, Karen and George sitting at a table. Yes! They\ngot a table!)\n\nGEORGE\n(George is telling a story. Karen is\nlaughing and she seems to be the only\none to find him funny) So I go into\nthis clothing store and the saleswoman\nis wearing this (whistling) low cut\nthing. So I said to her: \"Can I ask\nyou a question? When you put on a top\nlike that, what's your tought process?\nWhat's going on in your mind?\"\n\nKAREN\nThat is so funny.\n\nGEORGE\n(to Jody) You're listening to this?\n\nJODI\nYeah. I heard you.\n\nJERRY\n(to Jody) My neck is killing me. Right\nin this spot. Very tender over here.\n\nJODI\n(to George) So what did she say?\n\nGEORGE\nWell nothing. I didn't actually say\nthat. (Karen is still laughing)\n\nJODI\nYou just said that you said it.\n\nGEORGE\nSweetheart, I was exaggerating.\n\nKAREN\nI'm learning a lot about you tonight\nGeorge. I've never seen you like this.\n\nJERRY\n(touching the back of his neck) It's\nlike somebody's pulling on wires back\nhere.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know it's like you never see a really\nattractive woman getting a traffic ticket.\n\nJODI\nHow can you say that? My sister got\na ticket last week. Are you saying she's\nnot attractive?\n\nGEORGE\nWell I've never met your sister but\nobviously these are not hard-and-fast\nrules. (to the waitress) Darling, the\ntea is getting a little cold sweetheart.\n\nJODI\n(to Jerry) Can we go?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Let's go.\n\nKAREN\nSo soon? (they get up)\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Good seeing you again Karen.\n\nKAREN\nYeah.\n\nJODI\nNice meeting you Karen.\n\nKAREN\nYeah. Nice to meet you too and I'm gonna\ncall you about that massage.\n\nJODI\nOh yeah.\n\nGEORGE\nJody let's do this agian real soon (he\ntends his arms for a hug but she avoids\nhim)\n\nJODI\nYeah. (she and Jerry walk away)\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's place later that night)\n\n(Jerry and Jody are sitting next to each other on the couch,\nwatching TV)\n\nJERRY\nI strained my neck last night.\n\nJODI\nReally, how?\n\nJERRY\nI tried brushing my teeth by holding\nthe brush and moving my head from side\nto side. It didn't work.\n\nJODI\nSo what's the deal with your friend\nGeorge?\n\nJERRY\nNo deal. Why?\n\nJODI\nWhat was all that \"attractive women\nnot getting tickets\" nonsense?\n\nJERRY\nHe was just showcasing his nondate pesonality.\n\nJODI\nI don't know how you can hang out with\nthat guy.\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Sometimes he really makes me tense\n(he takes Jody's hand and put it on\nhis shoulder)\n\nJODI\nDid you see the way that he was eating?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, he's disgusting. (putting her\nhand back on his shoulder. She unconsciously\nstarts to massage a little while watching\nTV)\n\nJODI\nI have to tell you, I really don't like\nhim.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, me either. (he takes her other\nhand and put it on his other shoulder)\n\nJODI\nIt's just I hate that type.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, he's a bad seed.\n\nJODI\nNow you however, you, I like. (she stops\nmassaging and kisses Jerry)\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you doing?\n\nJODI\nWhat do you think I'm doing? (he won't\nget his massage...)\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(The Chinese restaurant)\n\n(George and Karen are still at the table, they're about to leave)\n\nGEORGE\nSo, what do you think?\n\nKAREN\nReally enjoyed it.\n\nGEORGE\nJody's nice.\n\nKAREN\nShe's very nice. (grabs George's hand)\nLet's discuss this later.\n\nGEORGE\nYou think she liked me? She seemed to\nlike me.\n\nKAREN\nYeah\n\nGEORGE\nI was personable. Don't you think I\nwas personable?\n\nKAREN\nYou were *extremely* personable.\n\nGEORGE\nI tought I picked up a little something.\nI'm very good at this. Did you pick\nup anything?\n\nKAREN\nI didn't pick up anything.\n\nGEORGE\nThe second time I sent the noodle back,\nI tought she made a face...\n\nKAREN\nI didn't see a face.\n\nGEORGE\nI tought I saw a face.\n\nKAREN\nAnyhow, what is the difference?\n\nGEORGE\nNo difference. I could care less. She's\nJerry's girlfriend.\n\nKAREN\nGeorge, George, instead of talking about\nthis, we could be... you know... (she\nmakes a move with her head like George\ndid in 'The Mango' while saying: \"instead\nof the movie...\")\n\nGEORGE\nHe he he he\n\nKAREN\nAh ah ah ah\n\nGEORGE\nSo you think she likes me?\n\n(Karen gives up and slams her forehead down on the table)\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Elaine's place)\n\n(She's sitting on the couch, reading, and Joel is coming quietly\nbehind her to massage her neck.)\n\nELAINE\n(as he touches her) Uhh! What are you\ndoing?\n\nJOEL\nMassaging your neck.\n\nELAINE\nOh. Huh. Of course. Massaging.\n\nJOEL\nUh, boning up on football? (talking\nabout the magazine she's reading as\nhe sits beside her)\n\nELAINE\nYeah, yeah. You know what? There are\na lot of players named Dion these days.\nWhat a cool name, Dion. If I were gonna\nchange my name, I'd go with Dion.\n\nJOEL\nDion Benes?\n\nELAINE\nWell as a woman, it makes no sense.\nBut, I mean, let's say I was you. And\nI decided I was gonna change my name\nfor no real reasons whatsoever-- Dion\nRifkin. Wow! That is so cool.\n\nJOEL\nD-Dion Rifkin?\n\nELAINE\nWell maybe you're not the Dion type.\nO.K. then let's see, let's see, what\ndo we got? (looking at the magazine,\nshe starts to gasp and loses it) Oh!\nOh oh oh! O.J.! O.J. Rifkin! You don't\neven use a name, it's just initials.\nOh please please please change your\nname to O.J.! Please, it would be so\ngreat!\n\nJOEL\nElaine! What is going on?\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Monk's)\n\n(Jerry and George at a booth)\n\nGEORGE\nShe stayed over?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. (disappointed)\n\nGEORGE\nThe sex wasn't so good?\n\nJERRY\nNo. The sex was fabulous.\n\nGEORGE\nSo?\n\nJERRY\nI want the massage!\n\nGEORGE\nDid you ask her?\n\nJERRY\nI tried putting her hands there (on\nhis neck) but she pulls it away immediately,\nshe's not into it.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy not?\n\nJERRY\nI guess 'cause it's her job. It's very\nfrustrating.\n\nGEORGE\nSo we had a good time... the four of\nus.\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nWe all got along. Everyone seemed very\npleasant.\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat did Jodi say?\n\nJERRY\nShe had a good time.\n\nGEORGE\nIs that it?\n\nJERRY\nPretty much.\n\nGEORGE\nDid she say anything about, uh...\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nNah. It's all right. Great! She had\na good time.\n\nJERRY\nYeah (a so-so yeah as he takes a sip\nof coffee)\n\nGEORGE\nYou just hesitated.\n\nJERRY\nI was blowing on the coffee.\n\nGEORGE\nShe didn't like me?\n\nJERRY\nLook it's not like you're gonna be spending\na lot of time with her.\n\nGEORGE\nSo she doesn't like me?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nShe said that?\n\nJERRY\nYes.\n\nGEORGE\nShe told you she doesn't like me!\n\nJERRY\nYes.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat were her exact--\n\nJERRY\n\"I don't like him.\"\n\nGEORGE\nUh-Huh (gulp) Why didn't she like me?\n\nJERRY\nNot everybody likes everybody!\n\nGEORGE\nI tried to be nice. I wasn't nice?\n\nJERRY\nYou were very nice!\n\nGEORGE\nI bent over backwards for that woman!\nIs it that thing I said about her sister?\n\nJERRY\nIt has nothing to do with her sister.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't even know her sister but believe\nme, if she's getting traffic tickets,\nshe's not that good-looking!\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(hall in Jerry's building)\n\n(George and Jerry are coming back from Monk's)\n\nGEORGE\nYou vomited in 1987.\n\nJERRY\nOh no. That was the dry heaves.\n\n(Jodi is in front of Jerry's door)\n\nJERRY\nJodi.\n\nJODI\nHey, Jerry.\n\nGEORGE\nHa! Ha! Hey! (moving his arms like:\nit's so great to be all here)\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you doing here?\n\nJODI\nI was giving Kramer a massage.\n\nJERRY\nKramer! (tries to hide he's upset and\njealous)\n\nJODI\nI got to run. I have an appointment\ndowntown.\n\nGEORGE\nHere. Let me take your tabe downstairs\nfor you.\n\nJODI\nNo that's O.K.\n\nGEORGE\nPlease give it to me. I love to help\npeople. This is what I do. Come on.\nI'm going this way. (he takes the table\nfrom Jodi's hands and she has no choice\nbut to follow him)\n\nJERRY\nI'll see you tonight. (he's opening\nhis door apartment as Kramer comes out\nof his in a bathrobe)\n\nKRAMER\nHey! I am looser than creamed corn!\n\nJERRY\nWho told you to get a massage from her.\nI haven't gotten a massage from her\nyet!\n\nKRAMER\nYou don't know what you're missing buddy.\n\n(they enter Jerry's apartment)\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(street in front of Jerry's building)\n\n(George and Jodi)\n\nGEORGE\nNo one hails a cab like me. My hailing\ntechnique is unmatched. I get the wrist\ngoing from side to side and boom! Cabs\nare crashing into themselves to just\npick me up. (a cab stops) All right,\nhere we go. Let me get door. Feminists\naside, I know women like the door holding.\nHere we are all righty. O.K. Jodi let's\nget together again real soon and say\nhello to your sister for me.\n\nJODI\nYou've never met. (the cab starts and\nGeorge is following to keep talking\nto Jodi)\n\nGEORGE\nWhatever. Believe me, if I wasn't involved\nright now, I wouldn't mind being set\nup. Something tells me she's a knockout.\n(we see, from the camera inside the\ncab, George's hand waving as the cab\ndrives away)\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Kramer is lying on the couch as Jerry is cutting a block of\ncheese on the kitchen counter)\n\nKRAMER\n(Kramer is talking much more slowly\nand smoother than usual) First she sets\nthe mood perfectly with this new age\nmusic played over ocean sounds. Then\nshe lays you out on this table, and\nshe proceeds to rub oil over your entire\nbody. And she rubs long... and deep...\nJerry, she rubs with love. (Jerry is\nobviously cutting much harder than the\ncheese needs it as he listens to Kramer)\nEvery muscles she touches just... (long\npause) ooo-zz-es. Beneath those silky,\nsoft fingers, you can scarcely contain\nyourself, buddy. (Jerry slams down the\nknife and goes to the couch)\n\nJERRY\nSo you had a good time.\n\nKRAMER\nOh... yeah...\n\nJERRY\nEnjoyed yourself.\n\nKRAMER\nVery... much...\n\nJERRY\nAll right now you listen and you listen\ngood! (he grabs Kramer's legs and throws\nhim down the couch)\n\nKRAMER\nWhat! (Kramer is back to his usual way\nof speaking)\n\nJERRY\nThe massages are out!\n\nKRAMER\nWha--\n\nJERRY\nAhh!!! They're out!\n\nKRAMER\nWhy?!\n\nJERRY\nBecause if I can't get one, you're not\ngetting one.\n\nKRAMER\nWait a minute! Wait a minute! I need\nmy massages! Can't you see I'm burned\nout!\n\nJERRY\nI'm sorry, Kramer. (he goes back to\nthe kitchen)\n\nKRAMER\nWhy? Why? Look, I paid for her. (Jerry\nstops walking)\n\nJERRY\nDon't you ever talk about her like that!\n\nKRAMER\nBut why?\n\nJERRY\nThat's final!!!\n\nKRAMER\nAh!!! Yahh!!!\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Giants Stadium)\n\n(Elaine and Joel)\n\nELAINE\nOh, you have photos in your wallet?\n\nJOEL\nYeah. Why? Is that weird?\n\nELAINE\nNo, it's normal. You're very normal.\nYou're totally normal. Who's this?\n\nJOEL\nThat's my mother.\n\nELAINE\nOh yeah. I see the resemblance.\n\nJOEL\nNo, there's no resemblance.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, there is, right here you see--\n\nJOEL\nElaine, I was adopted.\n\nELAINE\n(pause) Oh. That's nice.\n\nJOEL\nThe game's about to start. I wonder\nwhere your friend Kramer is.\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(ticket counter)\n\nKRAMER\n(to the ticket man) Uh, yeah, a ticket\nfor Kramer.\n\nTICKET MAN\nHere it is. I need some I.D.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah. (snaps fingers) You know,\nI forgot my wallet.\n\nTICKET MAN\nWell, I can't give it to you then.\n\nKRAMER\nAre you kidding me?\n\nTICKET MAN\nI'm afraid not.\n\nKRAMER\nCome on, just look at me. Tell me I'm\nnot Kramer.\n\nTICKET MAN\nI'm sorry. I need proof.\n\nKRAMER\nLook, I'll drive out here tomorrow and\nI'll show the I.D. I got nothing to\ndo all day.\n\nTICKET MAN\nNeither do I. But without I.D., I need\nconfirmation from the person who left\nthe ticket.\n\nKRAMER\nWhere is a phone?\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(back to Elaine and Joel watching the game)\n\nANNOUNCER\nLadies and gentlemen, may I have your\nattention, please? Would Joel Rifkin\nreport to the stadium office. Joel Rifkin...telephone.\n(the crowd stops cheering and we see\na football player distracted from the\ngame while hearing the announcer saying\nJoel Rifkin)\n\nJOEL\nWho would be calling me here? (he stands\nup and look around)\n\nELAINE\n(to the person in front of her) He's\nnot the murderer.\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Kramer enters, moaning)\n\nKRAMER\nOh, God.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's the matter with you?\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, I need another massage!\n\nJERRY\nYou just had one yesterday. What do\nyou need another one for?\n\nKRAMER\nBecause of the Giant game! I told you,\nIt went overtime! You know what those\nseats are like. They're very unforgiving.\n\nJERRY\nOh please.\n\nKRAMER\nAnd then the game-winning field goal\nwent over the net and into the crowd\nand I dove over three rows! My back,\nit's killing me! It's killing me Jerry!\n\nJERRY\nWell, did you get the ball?\n\nKRAMER\nOh I got the ball.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I never even caught a foul ball\nat a baseball game.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, It's quite a thrill.\n\nJERRY\nWhy don't you get somebody else?\n\nKRAMER\nBecause nobody does it like she does.\nShe's the best.\n\nJERRY\nWell, that's it! Tonight's the night.\nI'm getting one. No \"if and's or but's\".\n\nKRAMER\nWhat about my massage?\n\nJERRY\nAsk Newman.\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Monk's)\n\n(George and Karen at a booth)\n\nGEORGE\nSo I lugged that table. That big heavy\nmassage table all the way down to the\ncab! You ever seen one of those things?\n\nKAREN\nOf course.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I don't know. Maybe you haven't.\nYou know, not everybody's seen a massage\ntable.\n\nKAREN\nWhat, do you think I've never had a\nmassage before?\n\nGEORGE\nAnyway, I don't even get a thank you.\nI don't get it!\n\nKAREN\nGeorge, frankly, I'm getting a little\ntired of hearing about her.\n\nGEORGE\nI wanna know what I did to this woman.\n\nKAREN\nWhat, you got a little thing for her?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, No! She's going out with a friend\nof mine. It's only courteous that we\nshould try and like each other.\n\nKAREN\nWhat difference does it make? Who cares\nif she doesn't like you? Does everybody\nin the world have to like you?\n\nGEORGE\nYes! Yes! Everybody has to like me.\nI must be liked!\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Elaine's apartment)\n\n(Elaine and Joel sitting on the couch)\n\nELAINE\nOf course I support your decision to\nchange your name.\n\nJOEL\nAfter the Giant game I realized that\nthis--this problem isn't going away.\n\nELAINE\nWell, listen, I just want you to know\nthat I was more than willing to stick\nit out with Joel Rifkin.\n\nJOEL\nSure?\n\nELAINE\n(she fakes a strangling) RRR...\n\nJOEL\nO.K. you got your list?\n\nELAINE\nYeah. Yeah. 10 names.\n\nJOEL\nRight.\n\nELAINE\nO.K. And if somebody objects, you can\njust veto it.\n\nJOEL\nO.K.\n\nELAINE\nO.K. You start. What's your first choice?\n\nJOEL\nStuart.\n\nELAINE\n(right away) No. Second choice.\n\nJOEL\nStu--Stuart's no good?\n\nELAINE\nI've never met a normal guy named Stuart.\n\nJOEL\nO-O.K. My second choice is... Todd.\n\nELAINE\n(repeating to hear how it sounds) Todd.\n(pause) No. Veto.\n\nJOEL\nAll right. Oh, Hey, I think you're gonna\nlike my first my third choice.\n\nELAINE\nGreat...\n\nJOEL\nAlex.\n\nELAINE\nI gotta tell you, I have a bad association\nwith the name Alex.\n\nJOEL\nBad bad association?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, in college I sat next to an Alex\nin art history. And he was always drinking\ncoffee and after every sip he would\ngo: \"Ahh!\". I mean every two seconds:\n\"Ahh!\". And he would take like 40 sips\nand after everyone: \"Ahh!\". I had to\ndrop the class.\n\n(scnen ends)\n\n(Jerry's place)\n\n(Jerry is opening the door for Jodi. She has her massage table.\nNew age music is playing, and the lights are shaded)\n\nJODI\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHi.\n\nJODI\nHi. (kissing) I was running late and\nI didn't have a chance to drop off my\nstuff before I came over.\n\nJERRY\nAh, no problem. That's fine.\n\nJODI\nWhat's with this music?\n\nJERRY\nThat's new age music. Sounds of the\nforest. I find it soothing. Hey, look\nat this! What do you know? A massage\ntable! This is great! (he starts to\ninstall the table)\n\nJODI\nWhat are you doing?\n\nJERRY\nJust checking it out. Look at how this\nthing is made. Can I tell you something?\nThat's a hell of a piece of equipment.\n\nJODI\nActually, I should get a new one.\n\nJERRY\nNonsense. This one's fine. (as he sits\non the table)\n\nJODI\nSo, where do you wanna go? (as she puts\nher hand on his shoulder)\n\nJERRY\nGo? Why go anywhere? (as he places his\nhand over hers. She starts to massage\nhis shoulders a little) Ahh, that feels\ngood. Yeah. That's, uh... That's good.\n(he tries to go further. He grabs her\nhands over his shoulders and he lies\ndown on the table on his chest) Yeah,\nthat's nice. That's very nice.\n\nJODI\n(she stops massaging) No. No, this isn't\ngood. I can't do this.\n\nJERRY\nWhy, what's wrong? (he grabs her hands\nand force her to keep them on his shoulders)\n\nJODI\nI can't (she tries harder to pull her\nhands away)\n\nJERRY\nNo. Yes you can. (he hangs on)\n\nJODI\nNo, I can't!\n\nJERRY\nCome on! I know it's something you wanna\ndo! (she pulls harder and he falls right\noff the table)\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Karen's place)\n\n(George and Karen are making out on the couch)\n\nGEORGE\nYou know what? I should really go talk\nto her. Nothing confrontational. Just\ntwo adults sitting down trying to clear\nthe air. I just know if I could spend\nsome time alone with her. I've got to.\n(he grabs his jacket) I've got to.\n\nKAREN\nYou're going now?\n\nGEORGE\nI think I can still catch her.\n\nKAREN\nAll right George. I have had just about\nenough of this.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat? What are you talking about.\n\nKAREN\nI am talking about you and Jodi. You're\ncompletely obsessed with her!\n\nGEORGE\nI know. I know.\n\nKAREN\nWho is more important to you, her or\nme? I like you, she doesn't. Who are\nyou gonna pick?\n\nGEORGE\n(he thinks a little about it... and\nas he puts his hand on his knee and\ngets up) I'm sorry Karen. I know I care\nfor you, but I just can't stand when\nsomeone doesn't like me. (he opens the\ndoor)\n\nKAREN\nWell, now *I* hate you!\n\nGEORGE\nThat I'm used to. (he leaves)\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(back to Elaine's place)\n\nJOEL\nNed?\n\nELAINE\nWhat is wrong with Ned?\n\nJOEL\nNed's a guy who buys irregular underwear.\nNext!\n\nELAINE\nEllis.\n\nJOEL\nEllis?! You might as well go with Alex.\nIt's the same thing!\n\nELAINE\nEllis and Alex aren't even close.\n\nJOEL\nNEXT!\n\nELAINE\nOhh, what is the point?\n\nJOEL\nNO, NO. COME ON!\n\nELAINE\nO.K. O.K. Remy.\n\nJOEL\nRemy Rifkin? Should I get a beret?\n\nELAINE\nOh, Stuart's a lot better! (talking\nlike a baby) Little Stuart Rifkin likes\nto go shopping with his mother.\n\nJOEL\nGrrrr!\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(back to Jerry's)\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you mean, no?\n\nJODI\nNo means no.\n\nJERRY\nLook, who are you kidding? You come\nup to my apartment with your table and\nyour little oils, and I'm not supposed\nto expect anything? You're a massage\nteaser.\n\nJODI\nListen. I massage who I want, when I\nwant. I don't submit to forcible massage.\n(he tries desperately to get her hands\non his shoulders again but she pulls\nthem away immediately) I'm getting out\nof here.\n\nJERRY\nFine. Go.\n\n(George enters. He's staring at Jodi)\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, could you excuse us for a few\nminutes, please?\n\nJERRY\nWhat for?\n\nGEORGE\nWe need to talk.\n\nJERRY\n*You* need to talk?\n\nJODI\nWe have nothing to talk about.\n\nGEORGE\nLook it's no secret what's going on\nbetween us. (to Jerry) She doesn't like\nme. Now Jerry if you don't mind.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, anything you have to say to\nher, you can say in front of me.\n\nGEORGE\n(he makes a sign to Jodi to wait and\nturns to Jerry) Jerry... This woman\nhates me so much. I'm starting to like\nher.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nShe just dislikes me so much... It's\nirresistable.\n\nJERRY\nI can see that.\n\nJODI\nI'm getting out of here. (to Jerry)\nDon't call me.\n\nJERRY\nDon't worry. (she leaves)\n\nGEORGE\nA woman that hates me this much comes\nalong once in a lifetime.\n\nJERRY\nYou're a lucky guy.\n\nGEORGE\nI got to go after her.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge. I wouldn't push for the massage.\n(George nods)\n\nGEORGE\nJODI! (he starts running after her)\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Cigar-Store-Indian.html",
    "text": "THE CIGAR STORE INDIAN\n\nWritten by\n\nTom Gammill & Max Pross\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJerry's standup piece.\n\nJERRY\nYou can always tell what was the best\nyear of your father's life, because\n\nthey seem to just freeze that clothing style and just ride it\nout to the end,\n\ndon't they? And it's not like they don't continue shopping, it's\njust they\n\nsomehow manage to find new old clothes. Every father is like\nthis fashion time\n\ncapsule, you know what I mean. It's like they should be on a\npedestal, with\n\nsomeone next to 'em going 'This was nineteen sixty-five'. To\nme the worst thing\n\nis shopping for pants. I hate dressing and undressing in that\nlittle room. What\n\nmen need is a place to shop where you go in, you check your pants\nat the door,\n\nand you just walk around the store in your underwear. That would\nbe the best\n\nway. Then you'd really have to lie to the salesman. 'Need some\nhelp?' 'No, just\n\ngetting some air.'\n\n(George's parents' house)\n\nElaine and Jerry in the living room.\n\nJERRY\nHow would you describe the smell in\nthis house?\n\nELAINE\n(sniffing) Dandruff?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, that's part of it. (sniffs) Kasha?\n\nELAINE\nThere's some kasha.\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Dandruff, kasha, mothballs, cheap\ncarpeting. It's pot pourri,\n\nreally.\n\nGeorge enters from the kitchen (?).\n\nELAINE\nAlright, let's go, come on.\n\nGEORGE\nWha... you're going?\n\nELAINE\nYeah. You know we shouldn't have bowled\nthat last game, I'm gonna be\n\nlate.\n\nKramer enters from bathroom. He's holding some brightly coloured\nobjects in his\n\nhand and obviously has an unpleasant taste in his mouth.\n\nKRAMER\nEgh. These aren't candies.\n\nGEORGE\nKramer. did you use those? These are\nguest soaps! (he grabs the soaps\n\nand begins examining them for damage)\n\nKRAMER\nWell I'm a guest.\n\nGEORGE\nNow my parents are gonna know I had\npeople over.\n\nJERRY\nYou're not allowed to have people over?\n\nGEORGE\nI can't have any parties while they're\nout of town. (he leaves to return\n\nthe soaps)\n\nKRAMER\nWhat, this is a party?\n\nELAINE\nNot any more. Come on, get your ball,\nwe're leaving. Let's go, let's go.\n\nJerry, Elaine and Kramer begin to leave. George re-enters and\nnotices Jerry's\n\nmug on the coffee table.\n\nGEORGE\n(yells) Wow! Who put this cup right\non the new table!\n\nJERRY\n(picks it up) I was having coffee, I\nput it on the coffee table.\n\nGEORGE\nBut you didn't use a coaster, Jerry,\nyou left a stain! (he runs to\n\nkitchen)\n\nKRAMER\nWhoah boy. There's always one at every\nparty, huh?\n\nGeorge returns with a cloth and begins wiping at the stain.\n\nELAINE\n(impatient) Come on!\n\nJERRY\nWhat's the big rush?\n\nELAINE\nI'm having people over.\n\nJERRY\nWho?\n\nELAINE\nThe girls for poker night. You know,\nJoanne, Renee, Winona...\n\nJERRY\nEh, eh, ah. Winona's gonna be there?\n\nELAINE\nYeah. And she broke up with the vitamin\nguy.\n\nJERRY\n(interested) Really?\n\nELAINE\nI'll put in a good word for you.\n\nJERRY\nThanks, because I would really like...\n(distractedly puts coffee cup back\n\non the table)\n\nGEORGE\n(screaming) Aaahh!!\n\nJERRY\nAlright, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. (picks\nit up again)\n\nGEORGE\nBut Jerry, this is not coming out!\n\nJERRY\nJust put a coffee table book over it.\n\nGEORGE\nMy parents don't read! They're gonna\nwonder what a book is doing on the\n\ntable!\n\nKRAMER\nHey, hey, hey, hey. You know what would\nmake a great coffee table book?\n\nA coffee table book about coffee tables! Get it?\n\nELAINE\nGot it! C'mon, let's go, let's go. Bye\nGeorge.\n\nGEORGE\nWait, wait wait, not so fast. Jerry,\nyou gotta take me to get this thing\n\nrefinished.\n\nELAINE\nNow?!\n\nGEORGE\nYes, now. It's gonna take a few days\nand my parents are gonna be back. I\n\ngotta have it back before them!\n\nELAINE\nJerry, you promised you'd get me home\nby seven.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, we'll take the subway.\n\nJERRY\nThere you go. That'll get you home in\ntime.\n\nELAINE\nOh! The subway? From Queens?\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, Jerry, I'm gonna get my coat.\n\nJERRY\nI'm sorry Elaine, I'll make it up to\nyou.\n\nELAINE\nI need something to read on the subway.\n\nJERRY\n(handing her a magazine) Here, read\nthis.\n\nELAINE\n(looks at it) TV Guide?\n\n(Subway train)\n\nElaine and Kramer sit together. Elaine is reading TV Guide, Kramer\nis expanding\n\non his book concept.\n\nKRAMER\nI got history of coffee tables, celebrities\nand their coffee tables.\n\nIt's a natural. This is a story that must be told.\n\nELAINE\n(engrossed in magazine) Hmm-mmm.\n\nKRAMER\nSo, you're gonna talk to your boss about\nit, huh?\n\nELAINE\n(still paying no attention) Hmm-mmm.\nFirst thing in the morning.\n\nKRAMER\n(claps hands) Yes indeed.\n\nTANNOY\nNext stop, Queensboro Plaza.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, Queensboro Plaza. (reties his shoelaces)\nThis stop is famous for its\n\ngyros, you want one?\n\nELAINE\nHow are you gonna get something and\nget back on the train in time?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, they got a stand right out on\nthe platform. Gyros are cooked, and\n\nwrapped, and ready to go. (he pulls money from his pocket) Three\ndollars, no\n\nchange. You want one?\n\nELAINE\n(laughing) No thanks.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, but no bites.\n\nKramer goes to the door, where he stands jostling with a couple\nof other guys\n\nwaiting for it to open. When it does, they all exit in a hurry.\nElaine continues\n\nto study the TV Guide. A guy sitting opposite (bald, glasses,\nanorak inside and\n\nout) proffers a pen.\n\nRICKY\nHighlighter?\n\nELAINE\nExcuse me?\n\nRICKY\nTo highlight the programmes you plan\nto watch.\n\nELAINE\nAh. Uh, look really (looks about to\ntry and avoid contact) I'm just\n\ntrying to read.\n\nRICKY\nFine, okay. It's just, I've never seen\na beautiful lady reading 'the\n\nGuide' so far away from a TV. You must really like television.\n\nThe train about to leave, the doors begin to close. As they do,\nKramer tries to\n\nenter. The door closes, trapping his arm at the shoulder, leaving\nhim holding\n\nhis gyro into the carriage.\n\nKRAMER\n(yells) Elaine!\n\nA passenger walking down the carriage grabs the gyro from Kramer's\nhand and sits\n\ndown to eat it. Kramer extracts his arm and the doors slam closed.\n\nRICKY\nGuess your boyfriend'll have to catch\nthe next train.\n\nELAINE\nHe's not my boyfriend.\n\nRICKY\nHe's not? (thoughtful) Interesting.\n\n(Furniture refinishers)\n\nGepetto, the store owner is assessing the state of the coffee\ntable.\n\nJERRY\nHey, maybe I should get Elaine something.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy?\n\nJERRY\nAh, you know, I didn't drive her home.\nPlus, I give her a gift in front\n\nof Winona, how does that hurt me?\n\nGEORGE\nCan't hurt you.\n\nJERRY\nWhat about, what about this thing?\n\nGEORGE\nThe Indian?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. You know, kind of a peace offering.\nCute.\n\nGEPETTO\nWell, I can have the table ready for\nyou on Monday.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, but no later, because my parents\nare coming back.\n\nGEPETTO\nThey left you home alone, huh?\n\n(Subway train)\n\nElaine still sits with Ricky the TV anorak. He's poring over\nthe TV Guide.\n\nElaine is looking like she'd rather be anywhere else.\n\nRICKY\nOh, 'kay, see. On this particular Tuesday\n(he swaps seats and sits beside\n\nElaine) you could've watched six hours of Lucy. There's I Love\nLucy, The Lucy\n\nShow, Here's Lucy.\n\nThe brakes come on as the train pulls into a stop.\n\nELAINE\nOh, (nervous laugh) my stop. (making\nher escape) Bye-bye.\n\nRICKY\n(after Elaine) Hey miss! (waving TV\nGuide) You forgot this!\n\nElaine has gone. Ricky looks at the cover of the magazine, and\nsees the address\n\nlabel, upon which is printed F. COSTANZA, 1344 QUEENS BLVD, FLUSHING\nNY 11353\n\n(Furniture refinishers)\n\nGepetto explaining the Indian to Jerry. George sits waiting.\n\nGEPETTO\nThey don't make these any more. The\nwork is, is all done by hand.\n\n(Sylvia enters the store behind him) Takes years, and years,\nand... (notices)\n\nSylvia! For crying out, you're forty-five minutes late!\n\nSYLVIA\nYeah, yeah. (to George, smiling) Is\nthat your car out there?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, it's, it's his. (indicates Jerry)\n\nSYLVIA\nOh, nice. You guys are obviously from\nManhattan.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, he is. I, uh, I live around the\ncorner.\n\nSYLVIA\nReally? Ah, I didn't think any cool\nguys lived in this neighbourhood.\n\nGEORGE\n(sensing his chance) Well, they do now.\nNeighbourhood's changing.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, I'll take it.\n\nGEPETTO\nSmart choice.\n\nSYLVIA\nWow, you bought the Indian? Oh, you\nguys have great taste.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, we're collectors. We, uh, see\nobjects of great beauty and, uh, we\n\nmust have them.\n\n(Elaine's apartment)\n\nElaine and the girls are sitting at a table playing poker.\n\nELAINE\nKnocked you out Jack. Pair of deuces\n\nTHE GIRLS\nOh/Aah. (and similar comments)\n\nELAINE\n(triumphant) Ha, ha, ha ha!\n\nThere's a knock at the door.\n\nELAINE\nWho is it?\n\nJERRY\nIt's Jerry.\n\nElaine gets up and opens the door, revealing Jerry standing beside\na large\n\nobject (the Indian) half-covered with a black plastic bag.\n\nELAINE\nJerry!\n\nJERRY\nSurprise! (he carries in the object)\n\nELAINE\nWhat is this?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I felt bad about this afternoon,\nso I got you something.\n\nELAINE\nOh, you did? (to girls) Oh, do you guys\nall know Jerry?\n\nTHE GIRLS\nHi Jerry/Hello. (etc)\n\nJERRY\nHi. Hi Winona. Nice to see you again.\n\nGIRL\nElaine, is it your birthday?\n\nELAINE\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nI don't need a reason to give gifts,\nit's my nature. I love to make\n\npeople happy.\n\nTHE GIRLS\nAww/That's so sweet. (general murmur\nof approval)\n\nJERRY\nAre you ready?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\n(whips off bag to reveal Indian) Ta-da!\n\nThere is a deathly hush.\n\nJERRY\nIt's a cigar store Indian. (to Elaine)\nRead the card.\n\nELAINE\n(examines card) (embarrassed) That's\nvery nice. Thank you very much.\n\nJERRY\nRead it out loud.\n\nELAINE\nI, I don't think so.\n\nJERRY\n(takes the card from Elaine) We had\na little fight this afternoon.\n\n(reading from card) Let's bury the hatchet. We smoke um peace\npipe.\n\nWINONA\n(gathering her stuff) Hey, you know,\nit's late. I really should go.\n\nELAINE\nI, uh, I don't blame you Winona. I,\nuh...\n\nJerry begins rocking the Indian back and forth, making the stereotypical\nmovie\n\nIndian chant.\n\nJERRY\nHey-yah, ho-ah, hey-yah, ho-ah.\n\nWinona leaves, looking offended.\n\nELAINE\nAre you out of your mind?!\n\nJERRY\n...ho-ah. It's, it's, it's kitschy.\n\nELAINE\nWinona is a Native American.\n\nJERRY\nShe is?\n\n(George's parents' house)\n\nSylvia is looking round the living room. Some cheesy male harmony\nsinging can be\n\nheard in the background.\n\nSYLVIA\nYou got very unusual taste.\n\nGEORGE\n(proffering glasses) I hope prune juice\nis alright. It's the only thing\n\nI had that was chilled.\n\nSYLVIA\nFine.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm sorry about that lock on the liquor\ncabinet. The combination musta\n\njust flown outta my head. It's a mental block.\n\nSYLVIA\n(regarding photo) Ahh! Is this your\nson in the bubble bath?\n\nGEORGE\n(bashful) No, that's me.\n\nSYLVIA\nOh. You don't see many guys your age\nwho keep baby pictures of\n\nthemselves around. (laughs) I like it. Consistent with the rest\nof the house.\n\nGEORGE\nYes, it is consistent. I've, uh, I've\ntried to maintain a consistent\n\nfeel throughout the house.\n\nSYLVIA\nWhat is this we're listening to?\n\nGEORGE\nThe Ray Conniff Singers. (nervous chuckle)\n\nSYLVIA\nMmmm, what's that smell? Kasha?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's a pot pourri. May I, uh, may I\nshow you the master bedroom? (they\n\nleave together)\n\nJerry, downstairs at Winona's building. He's talking on the buzzer.\n\nWINONA\nWho is it?\n\nJERRY\nUh, Winona, it's Jerry Seinfeld.\n\nWINONA\n(unimpressed) Yeah?\n\nJERRY\nUhm, listen, I really felt bad about\nwhat happened, and I, I, I'd really\n\nlike to apologise. Can I come up?\n\nWINONA\nI'll come down.\n\n(Elaine's apartment)\n\nKRAMER\nI came by to get my ball.\n\nELAINE\nIt's right over there.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah, thanks. (gets ball) Yeah,\nit's got the magic grip. How d'you\n\nthink I bowled that two-twenty today, huh? (sees Indian) Yo!\nWhere did this come\n\nfrom?\n\nELAINE\nYou want it?\n\nKRAMER\n(unbelieving) I can have this?!\n\nELAINE\nYuh! You wanna lug it uptown, it's yours.\n\nKRAMER\nOh. I'll lug.\n\n(Street outside Winona's)\n\nWINONA\nIt's just that it's a very sensitive\nissue for me.\n\nJERRY\nAnd well it should be. I think if you\nspent any time with me at all,\n\nyou'd see I'm very sensitive to these matters as well. You wouldn't\nbe hungry by\n\nany chance, wouldya?\n\nWINONA\n(smiling) I guess I could go for a bite.\n\nJERRY\nYou like Chinese food, 'cos I once went\nto a great Szechwan restaurant in\n\nthis neighbourhood. I don't remember the exact address... (he\nspots a mailman\n\ncrouched emptying a box) Uh, excuse me, you must know where the\nChinese\n\nrestaurant is around here.\n\nThe mailman stands, turns and is revealed as Chinese. He takes\noffence.\n\nMAILMAN\nWhy must I know? Because I'm Chinese?\nYou think I know where all the\n\nChinese restaurants are? (adopts hackneyed Chinese accent) Oh,\nask honolable\n\nChinaman for rocation of lestaulant.\n\nJERRY\nI asked because you were the mailman,\nyou would know the neighbourhood.\n\nMAILMAN\nOh, hello American Joe. Which way to\nhamburger, hotdog stand? (storms\n\naway)\n\nJERRY\nI didn't know that...\n\nWINONA\nYou know, it's late. I should probably\njust go home.\n\nJERRY\nI, I had no idea.\n\nA cab drives by. Kramer leans out the window, along with the\ntop of the Indian.\n\nKRAMER\n(yells) Hey Jerry! (thumps cab door\nwith his palm) Look what I got!\n\n(begins doing war-whoops)\n\nWinona looks offended again. Jerry is mortified, and can find\nnothing to say.\n\nWinona storms back into her building.\n\n(George's parent's house)\n\nGeorge and Jerry are returning the table.\n\nGEORGE\nLooks pretty good.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, did a good job.\n\nThey put the various ornaments back on the table.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. I don't think they'll be able\nto tell.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, I don't get it. Not allowed\nto ask a Chinese person where the\n\nChinese restaurant is! I mean, aren't we all getting a little\ntoo sensitive? I\n\nmean, someone asks me which way's Israel, I don't fly off the\nhandle.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, anyway, what's uh, what's the status\nwith, uh...\n\nJERRY\nAh, she kinda calmed down. I talked\nto her today. In fact I'm gonna see\n\nher tonight.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, great.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, but I'm a little uncomfortable.\nI'm afraid of making another\n\nmistake.\n\nGEORGE\nAw c'mon.\n\nThe front door opens and George's parents enter.\n\nESTELLE\nHello, hello!\n\nGEORGE\n(insincerely) Ahh, hey you're home.\nHi.\n\nESTELLE\nOh, the house looks very nice.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, huh.\n\nFRANK\nWhere's the mail?\n\nESTELLE\nHello Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHello.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, how was the trip?\n\nESTELLE\nAh, your father...\n\nFRANK\nIs there anything wrong with getting\na receipt at a toll booth?\n\nESTELLE\nI'm going upstairs. (she leaves for\nthe bedroom)\n\nFRANK\n(examining mail) This stack should be\nbigger, where's the TV Guide?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat TV Guide?\n\nFRANK\nI'm missing TV Guide volume forty-one,\nnumber thirty-one.\n\nJERRY\nUh, Elaine took it to read on the subway.\n\nFRANK\nElaine took it?\n\nGEORGE\nI didn't know she took it!\n\nJERRY\nWa, it's two weeks old.\n\nFRANK\n(shouting) How could you let her take\nthe TV Guide?!\n\nGEORGE\n(to Jerry) He collects them.\n\nJERRY\nYou collect TV Guide?\n\nFRANK\nThe nerve of that woman. Walking into\nmy house, stealing my collectible!\n\nESTELLE\n(screaming) Oh my God! (she enters holding\na small packet) This was in\n\nour bed.\n\nFRANK\n(taking the packet) What is this? (accusingly\nto George) A prophylactic\n\nwrapper?!\n\nESTELLE\nWhat is this doing on my bed?!\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know, uh...\n\nJERRY\nI'll see you later. (he leaves with\nunseemly haste)\n\nFRANK\nYou were having sex on our bed?!\n\nGEORGE\nYes!\n\nESTELLE\nWho told you you could have sex in our\nbed?\n\nGEORGE\n(pleading) Well, my bed is too small.\n\nFRANK\nYour bed is too small? I'm gone two\nweeks and you turn our house into,\n\ninto Bourbon Street!\n\nESTELLE\nWhere am I going to sleep?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat're you talking about?\n\nESTELLE\nI can't sleep in there!\n\nGEORGE\nOf course you can.\n\nESTELLE\nI can't! (screams) I can't!\n\nFRANK\nThat's it! You're grounded!\n\nGEORGE\n(incredulous) You can't ground me, I'm\na grown man.\n\nFRANK\nYou wanna live here? You respect the\nrules of our house. (yells) You're\n\ngrounded!\n\n(Winona's apartment)\n\nJerry sits on the couch. Winona enters with their jackets.\n\nWINONA\nSo, where are we gonna go eat?\n\nJERRY\nI thought we'd eat at the Gentle Harvest.\n\nWINONA\nOoh, I love that place, but it's usually\nso crowded. Can we get a table?\n\nJERRY\nAh, don't worry. I made reser... (catches\nhimself)\n\nWINONA\nYou made what?\n\nJERRY\nI uh, I uh, I arranged for the appropriate\naccommodation. And then, Knick\n\ntickets, floor seats.\n\nWINONA\nHow did you get these?\n\nJERRY\nGot 'em on the street, from a scal...\n(catches himself again) A uh, one\n\nof those guys.\n\nWINONA\nWhat guys?\n\nJERRY\nYou know, the guys, that uh, they sell\nthe tickets for the sold-out\n\nevents.\n\nWINONA\nOh.\n\nJERRY\nWait a second, you got the Mark McEwan\nTV Guide.\n\nWINONA\nThat's Al Roker.\n\nJERRY\nOh well, they're both chubby weathermen.\nI get Dom Deluise and Paul\n\nPrudhoe mixed up too. Could I have this?\n\nWINONA\nSure, take it.\n\nJERRY\nThanks.\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nJerry enters with the TV Guide.\n\nJERRY\nSo, Winona had the TV Guide. Told you\nI'd make it up to you.\n\nELAINE\nAah, so Mr Costanza was pretty mad,\nhuh?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. You almost ruined his life's work.\n\nELAINE\nHe collects (holds up magazine) these?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nWow! Alright, well I will personally\ngo out to Queens and deliver his Al\n\nRoker TV Guide to him.\n\nJERRY\nWhat'ya do with the one you took?\n\nELAINE\nI dunno.\n\n(Ricky's apartment (?))\n\nRicky sits at a table, in a room which looks like that of a messy\nteenager. He's\n\ncutting away at the TV Guide with a pair of scissors. He's humming\nthe theme to\n\nI Love Lucy to himself as he does so.\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nKramer enters.\n\nELAINE\nHi.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah uh, Elaine uh, what'd he say?\n\nELAINE\nWhat did who say?\n\nKRAMER\nYour boss. Didn't you tell him about\nthe coffee table book?\n\nELAINE\nUhmm...\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, you didn't tell him didya?\n\nELAINE\nKramer, it is such a dumb idea. I would\nbe (raising her voice as Kramer\n\nspeaks his line) totally embarrassed to bring it...\n\nKRAMER\n(simultaneous) Wait a minute, on the\ncover I'm...\n\nELAINE\nI would be embarrassed to bring it up.\n\nJERRY\nI thought it was a pretty good idea.\nIt's about coffee tables, it's on a\n\ncoffee table.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, right, right, and on the cover\nis a built-in coaster. (clicks\n\ntongue) Alright, well I'm gonna go.\n\nJERRY\nWhere you going?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I'm gonna go to the cigar stores.\nI'm gonna see if I can sell that\n\nIndian.\n\nJERRY\nMy Indian?\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, I think it's worth something.\nIt's kitschy. (tongue click)\n\nHe leaves.\n\n(George's parents' house)\n\nGeorge and Frank in front of the TV. Frank is still bothered\nby the TV Guide\n\nincident. George is slumped in the sofa, looking long-suffering.\n\nFRANK\nHow do you just walk into a house and\ntake a TV Guide? How does she\n\nexpect you to watch TV? (doorbell rings) Am I just supposed to\nturn it on and\n\nwander aimlessly around the dial?\n\nEstelle answers the door. Opening it, she finds Ricky outside,\nholding what\n\nlooks like a bouquet of flowers.\n\nRICKY\nHello. Is Elaine home?\n\nESTELLE\nElaine Benes? Oh, she's my son's friend.\n\nFRANK\n(shouting) And she's not welcome in\nthis house!\n\nRICKY\n(entering) Oh, 'cos I made her this\nvery special gift. 'Kay, it's a\n\nbouquet of paper from her TV Guide.\n\nFRANK\n(yelling) That's my TV Guide! Ripped\nto shreds! She gave that to you?!\n\nRICKY\n(seeing TV) Hey, is that the Twilight\nZone you're watching?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nRICKY\nOh, this is a good one.\n\n(Subway train)\n\nElaine riding the subway to Queens.\n\nTANNOY\nNext stop, Queensboro Plaza.\n\nA thought occurs to Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nMmm, gyro.\n\nShe jumps up and goes to the door. She sizes up the woman next\nto her at the\n\nexit. When the doors open, she barges the woman aside and rushes\nout first.\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nJerry is pouring glasses of Perrier in the kitchen while Winona\nlooks around.\n\nWINONA\nI like your place. It's very unassuming.\n\nJERRY\nWell, why would I assume. I never assume.\nLeads to assumptions.\n\nWINONA\n(laughs) Oh, by the way. That TV Guide\nI gave you, I need it back.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nWINONA\nWell, I'm doing a report on minorities\nin the media, and I wanted to use\n\nthat interview with Al Roker.\n\nJERRY\nWell, it's too late. I gave it to Elaine,\nand she's already on her way to\n\ngive it to George's father.\n\nWINONA\nJerry, I really need it back. It, it\nis mine.\n\nJERRY\nYou can't give something and then take\nit back. I mean, what are you...\n\n(catches himself)\n\nWINONA\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nA uh, a person that uh...\n\nWINONA\nA person that what?\n\nJERRY\nWell, a person that gives something\nand then they're dissatisfied and\n\nthey wish they had, had never uh...\n\nWINONA\nAnd?\n\nJERRY\n...give, given it to the person that\nthey originally gave it to.\n\nWINONA\nYou mean like, an Indian giver?!\n\nJERRY\nI'm sorry, I'm not familiar with that\nterm.\n\n(Subway train)\n\nElaine is eating her gyro. As she does, unseen by her, juices\nfrom her sandwich\n\nare dripping onto the TV Guide in her bag.\n\n(George's parents' house)\n\nFrank and Ricky are going through Frank's TV Guide collection.\nThe coffee table\n\nis covered in boxes of the magazine.\n\nRICKY\nI like the special fall preview issues\nthe best.\n\nFRANK\nThose. I've been saving those from the\nbeginning.\n\nThe doorbell rings.\n\nRICKY\nThese are worth like, a lot of money.\n\nEstelle opens the door, to find Elaine.\n\nESTELLE\nOh, hello Elaine!\n\nELAINE\nHello. (she enters)\n\nRICKY\n(jumping to his feet) Elaine! Hello!\nYou look scrumptious.\n\nElaine looks nervous and surprised.\n\nFRANK\nWhy'd you take my TV Guide?\n\nELAINE\n(placatory) I'm so sorry about that\nMr Costanza, but look. Look, I\n\nbrought you another one. (hands it over)\n\nRICKY\nI made this for you.\n\nELAINE\n(accepts reluctantly) Oh, thank you.\n\nFRANK\n(examining magazine) What is this? You\ngot stains all over it! What the\n\nhell'd you do?\n\nRICKY\nHey, you can't talk to her like that.\n\nFRANK\n(yelling) I'll talk to her any way I\nwant!\n\nRICKY\nCome on Elaine, let's go.\n\nAs Ricky strides over to Elaine, he catches the coffee table\nwith his leg. It\n\ntips up with the weight of the TV Guide collection and falls\nover with a crash.\n\nESTELLE\nMy coffee table!\n\n(Gus' Smoke Shop)\n\nKramer is stands beside the Indian in the cigar store, trying\nto do a job of\n\nsalesmanship. The guy behind the counter doesn't look impressed.\nIn the\n\nbackground, Mr Lippman is browsing.\n\nKRAMER\nI don't understand. How can you have\na cigar store, without an Indian?\n\nIt's unseemly.\n\nSPIKE\nI'll give you a box of Coronas for it.\n\nKRAMER\nForget it.\n\nLIPPMAN\nUh, excuse me. Are you uh, selling this\nIndian?\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah, yeah.\n\nLIPPMAN\nUh, I'm just uh, redecorating my office\nin a south-western motif and\n\nthis'd be perfect. Give you five hundred dollars for it?\n\nKRAMER\nGiddyup.\n\nLIPPMAN\nYeah? Could you help me bring it up\nto my office, I'm right next door.\n\nPendant Publishing.\n\nKRAMER\nPendant Publishing? Giddyup again.\n\n(Lippman's office)\n\nKramer is sitting in a chair before the desk, smoking a cigar.\nElaine enters.\n\nELAINE\nMr Lippman. I'm sorry, I was in Queens\nuh... (sees Kramer) Kramer!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, hi Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nWhat are you doing in here with that?\n\nKRAMER\nAh, well, it's a business transaction.\n\nLIPPMAN\n(entering, smoking a cigar and with\na handful of cash) Listen uh, petty\n\ncash just had tens and twenties. (hands cash to Kramer) Go ahead,\ncount it.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I'm sure it's all here. (puts\nin in his pocket) You know I was\n\njust admiring your coffee table, out there in the hall.\n\nLIPPMAN\nYou like that, huh? I had that custom\nmade for me in Santa Fe.\n\nKRAMER\nYou mind if I use it in my book?\n\nLIPPMAN\nWhat book?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I'm doing a coffee table book\non coffee tables.\n\nLIPPMAN\nAbout coffee tables?\n\nElaine is pulling skeptical faces.\n\nKRAMER\nUh huh.\n\nLIPPMAN\nThat's fantastic. (Elaine looks gobsmacked)\nWho's your publisher?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I'm still shopping it around.\n\nLIPPMAN\nYeah? (to Elaine) You see, this is the\nkind of idea you should be\n\ncoming in with. What the hell do you do round here all day anyway?\n\nELAINE\nWell I (indistinct) ...manuscript that\nI...\n\nLIPPMAN\n(ignoring Elaine) God, that Indian really\ncompletes the room. Don't you\n\nthink?\n\nElaine looks sick.\n\n(Furniture refinishers)\n\nEstelle is showing the table to Sylvia.\n\nSYLVIA\nI know this coffee table, it's George\nCostanza's.\n\nESTELLE\nIt's mine. I'm his mother.\n\nSYLVIA\nOh, I haven't seen George for a while.\nHe must be working very hard.\n\nESTELLE\nGeorge doesn't work. He's a bum. That's\nwhy he lives at home with us.\n\nSYLVIA\nHe does?\n\n(Subway train)\n\nJerry and Elaine sit together on the train. Elaine still looks\nunhappy. Jerry\n\nhas a copy of the TV Guide.\n\nJERRY\nI don't know why we didn't think of\nthis before. We just could call TV\n\nGuide.\n\nELAINE\nI dunno.\n\nJERRY\nWell, it's gonna make Mr Costanza very\nhappy. (he hands the magazine to\n\nElaine)\n\nELAINE\nI guess.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's the matter?\n\nELAINE\nWhat d'you think is the matter? I've\nbeen assigned to work on Kramer's\n\ncoffee table book.\n\nJERRY\nIt is a good idea, Elaine.\n\nTANNOY\nNext stop, Queensboro Plaza.\n\nJERRY\nYou want a gyro?\n\nELAINE\nI don't think so.\n\nJerry jumps up and rushes out of the door, pushing his way past\nother commuters.\n\nmoments later)\n\nElaine sits alone in her seat. Jerry tries to enter the carriage\njust as the\n\ndoors close. They close on his arm, trapping it.\n\nJERRY\nElaine!\n\nA guy walking through the carriage picks the gyro out of Jerry's\nhand, just as\n\nJerry pulls his arm free. He sits down opposite Elaine, preparing\nto eat.\n\nAL ROKER\nGuess your boyfriend's gonna have to\ncatch the next train.\n\nELAINE\nHe's not my boyfriend.\n\nAL ROKER\nHe's not? Interesting. (gives a big\ngrin)\n\nElaine gets a flicker of recognition. She lifts up the TV Guide\nand finds the\n\nguy opposite her is the same guy pictured on the cover, Al Roker.\nShe looks up\n\nat the real guy again and he has the exact expression as the\npicture on the\n\ncover.\n\n(Nightclub)\n\nMore Jerry standup.\n\nJERRY\nI was always excited as a kid, when\nthat new TV Guide would come. Somehow\n\nwhen that front cover's nice and flat, seems like there's good\nfresh TV shows\n\nin. Then, as the weeks go by you start to hate the TV Guide.\nAll the shows\n\nstink. Everything's getting all crumpled and ripped from being\nsat on, thrown\n\nacross the room. TV Guide is always thrown, never handed, to\nanother person.\n\nIt's the world's most thrown reading material. 'Where's TV Guide?'\n(mimes\n\nthrowing) 'There it is.' You know in the back of the TV Guide,\nthey have a phone\n\nnumber, ninety-five cents a minute, they will give you the answers\nto the TV\n\nGuide crossword puzzle? My question is, if you can't do the TV\nGuide crossword\n\npuzzle, where are you coming across ninety-five cents?\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Conversion.html",
    "text": "THE CONVERSION\n\nWritten by\n\nBruce Kirschbaum\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nYou know doctor is supposed to be such\na prestigious occupation. But\n\nit's really like one of the only jobs where you have to have\nyour diploma\n\nright up there on the wall. It makes them seem so insecure, doesn't\nit? \"I\n\nreally am a doctor you know. You think I'm not, just check it\nout.\" I don't\n\nknow why they need these little bits of psychological leverage\nover us all the\n\ntime. \"Go in that little room, take your pants off, wait 15 minutes,\nand I'll\n\ngive you my opinion.\" After that, anyone that comes in with pants\non seems\n\nlike they know what they're talking about. In any difference\nof opinion,\n\npants always beats no-pants.\n\n(Commercial)\n\nAt a restaurant.\n\nGEORGE\nCan I say one word to you? Lobster.\nThe lobster here is\n\nunbelievable. (looks at the menu) Ooh, a little expensive.\n\nGEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND\nTwenty five dollars.\n\nGEORGE\nYes, well, you know, I'm not thinking\nabout the price. You know\n\nyou're the only woman I've never thought about the price. Get\nthe lobster. I\n\nbeg you to get the lobster. Go for the lobster.\n\nGEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND\nGeorge, George, uh, I think we have\nto talk. I think we\n\nhave a problem.\n\nGEORGE\nWe do?\n\nGEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND\nWe can't keep seeing each other.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy?\n\nGEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND\n(crying) Because it's over. *sob, sob,\nsob* It's my\n\nparents, the differences in our religion. Oh George, can you\never forgive me?\n\n*sob*\n\nWAITER\nUh, have you decided yet?\n\nGEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND\n(crying) Yes. I'll have the lobster.\n\nGEORGE\nUm, you know I'm starting to think that\nmaybe lobster isn't the way\n\nto go.\n\nThe hallway outside Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nThen he asked you out?\n\nELAINE\nWe started to talk, and I told him that\nI jog, and then he put his\n\nhand on my heart.\n\nJERRY\nOn your heart?\n\nELAINE\nJerry, the man is a doctor.\n\nJERRY\nDoctor? He's a podiatrist.\n\nELAINE\nIt's the same thing.\n\nJERRY\nAnyone can get into podiatry school.\n*George* got into podiatry\n\nschool.\n\nELAINE\nReally?\n\nJERRY'S GIRLFRIEND\nHello.\n\nJERRY\nOh hi.\n\nJERRY'S GIRLFRIEND\nAre you going to be stopping by later?\n\nJERRY\nYes, I'll be stopping. See you later.\n(to Elaine) Well we can't all\n\nbe dating podiatrists.\n\nThey enter Jerry's apartment.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's over.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nHow did you get in?\n\nGEORGE\nKramer.\n\nELAINE\nWhat's that?\n\nGEORGE\nLobster.\n\nJERRY\nLooks like a swan.\n\nGEORGE\nShe says we can't go out anymore.\n\nELAINE\nWhy?\n\nGEORGE\nBecause I'm not Latvian Orthodox. Her\nparents won't let her get\n\ninvolved with anyone who isn't Latvian Orthodox.\n\nELAINE\nLatvian Orthodox? Mmm, it is lobster.\n\nJERRY\nShe's limiting herself to Latvian Orthodox?\nToo bad.\n\nGEORGE\nI know. This was the only woman I never\nlied to. Well that's not\n\nentirely true.\n\nELAINE\nMmm, delicious.\n\nJERRY\nMmm, succulent.\n\nGEORGE\nShe knew I didn't have a job, she knew\nI lived at home. Didn't seem\n\nto bother her. I think I could have married this woman.\n\nELAINE\nWhy don't you just ask her parents?\n\nGEORGE\nI can't. I met them. They're devout.\nYou know, In the cab on the\n\nway over here, I actually thought about converting.\n\nJERRY\nTo Latvian Orthodox?\n\nGEORGE\nWhy not? What do I care?\n\nJERRY\nYou know it's not like changing toothpaste.\n\nELAINE\nI think it would be romantic.\n\nGEORGE\nReally?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, it's like Edward the Eighth abdicating\nthe throne and marrying\n\nMrs. Simpson. Ooh.\n\nGEORGE\nKing Edward. King Edward, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nYeah well King Edward didn't live in\nQueens with Frank and Estelle\n\nCostanza.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know what? I could probably do this.\nWhat's the difference.\n\nELAINE\nGeorge I was just kidding around.\n\nGEORGE\nNo. I wouldn't even have to tell her.\nI could surprise her.\n\nELAINE\nGeorge I wasn't serious.\n\nGEORGE\nHow hard could it be? You make a little\ncontribution, have a\n\nceremony. I am going to think about this. I am *really* going\nto think about\n\nthis.\n\nGeorge leaves.\n\nELAINE\nI guess this one is my fault.\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah.\n\nAt Jerry's girlfriend's apartment.\n\nJERRY'S GIRLFRIEND\n*kiss, kiss, kiss* Oh that was nice.\nHave you always\n\nbeen such a good kisser?\n\nJERRY\nOh I don't know. Not always. No I uh\nI had to work at it. When I\n\nwas a kid all the kids would be out playing, I would be up in\nmy room\n\npracticing my kissing.\n\nJERRY'S GIRLFRIEND\nWell it was worth it. *kiss* I'll be\n*kiss* right *kiss*\n\nback *kiss*. Where are you going?\n\nJERRY\nTo wash my hands. They're sticky from\nthe orange.\n\nJERRY'S GIRLFRIEND\nMeet you back here?\n\nJERRY\nRight there.\n\nJerry goes into the bathroom and washes his hands.\n\nHe sees the medicine cabinet open slightly and peeks in.\n\nJERRY\n(thinking to himself) \"Fungicide\". Fungus?\n\nAt Monk's.\n\nJERRY\nFungicide. I mean what could she have?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know.\n\nKRAMER\nFungus.\n\nELAINE\nSo what did you say?\n\nJERRY\nI said I was coming down with the flu\nor something and I had to go\n\nhome.\n\nELAINE\nWhat were you doing opening her medicine\ncabinet?\n\nJERRY\nI didn't open it. It was open. I just\nnudged it a little.\n\nELAINE\nYou were snooping.\n\nJERRY\nI was not snooping. I did not break\nthe seal. There was no breaking\n\nand entering. I wouldn't do that.\n\nKRAMER\nI would. I always open medicine cabinets.\n\nELAINE\nWell I trust people not to do that.\n\nKRAMER\nBig mistake.\n\nJERRY\nWhy don't you ask that doctor what it\nis?\n\nELAINE\nWhat? Now he's a doctor? Before he was\na podiatrist.\n\nJERRY\nBut that's what podiatrists do. They\ndeal in fungus. They're knee-\n\ndeep in fungus. This guy know fungus.\n\nELAINE\nI am not going to ask him about funguses.\n\nKRAMER\nFungi.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nFungi.\n\nIn the priest's office.\n\n(boy, I am *really* bad with names on this episode... ;) )\n\nFATHER-PRIEST\nWhy do you want to accept the Latvian\nOrthodox faith?\n\nGEORGE\n*ahem* In this age of uncertainty and\nconfusion, a man begins to ask\n\nhimself certain questions. How can one even begin to put into\nwords something\n\nso um... (trying to think of a word)\n\nFATHER-PRIEST\nEnigmatic?\n\nGEORGE\nNo.\n\nFATHER-PRIEST\nVast? (he pronounces it as \"vost\")\n\nGEORGE\nNo not vast (he pronounces it as \"vost\")\n\nFATHER-PRIEST\nWell whatever it is, basically you like\nthe religion.\n\nGEORGE\nYes.\n\nFATHER-PRIEST 2\nIs there one aspect of the faith that\nyou find particularly\n\nattractive?\n\nGEORGE\n(he thinks) I think the hats. The hat\nconvey that solemn religious\n\nlook you want in a faith. Very pious.\n\nFATHER-PRIEST\nAre you familiar with Orthodox theology?\n\nGEORGE\nWell perhaps, not to the extent that\nyou are. But I know the basic\n\nplot. Yeah.\n\nFATHER-PRIEST\nPlot?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, yeah. You know the uh flood, and\nthe uh lepers, and the\n\ncommandments and all that.\n\nFATHER-PRIEST 2\nWell it's obvious that you are sincere\nin your desire.\n\nGEORGE\nOh yes I am Father. Incredibly sincere.\nSo, uh, pffft, am I in?\n\nFATHER-PRIEST\nThe first step would be to familiarize\nyourself with these\n\ntexts (brings out a pile of books).\n\nGEORGE\nAh hah. You see Father, I'm I'm incredibly\nanxious to become a\n\nmember. Um, don't you offer any kind of an express conversion?\nA quick\n\nchange?\n\nSister Roberta enters.\n\nSISTER ROBERTA\nOh I'm sorry. Father, there's a man\nwaiting in the chapel.\n\nFATHER-PRIEST\nYou may attend to it Sister, oh this\nis George Costanza. He\n\nis interested in joining the church.\n\nSISTER ROBERTA\nOh are you? That's wonderful. Well good\nluck to you.\n\nGEORGE\nNice nun.\n\nFATHER-PRIEST\nNo, Sister Roberta is not a nun. She\nis what we call a\n\nnovice.\n\nFATHER-PRIEST 2\nShe won't be taking her final vows until\nnext Thursday.\n\nIn the chapel.\n\nSISTER ROBERTA\nMay I help you?\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah, I'm here to pick up my friend\nGeorge Costanza.\n\nSISTER ROBERTA\nWell he's in with the Father.\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah.\n\nSISTER ROBERTA\nI'm Sister Roberta.\n\nKRAMER\nOh. Kramer. Pleasure.\n\nSISTER ROBERTA\nMine. (she smiles at Kramer)\n\nAt Jerry's apartment.\n\nGEORGE\nI can't believe how easy it is. I'm\nvirtually Orthodox. All I have\n\nto do is read a few books, memorize a few prayers, and I'm in\nthe club.\n\nJERRY\nThat's all there is to it.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's all there is to it. By Christmas\nday I will be Brother\n\nCostanza.\n\nJERRY\nAnd when is Brother Costanza planning\non telling Mother Costanza?\n\nGEORGE\nBrother Costanza will be taking the\nvow of silence.\n\nKramer enters. He is flinging a slinky.\n\nJERRY\nOh a slinky. Where did you get it?\n\nKRAMER\nSister Roberta gave it to me.\n\nJERRY\nWhy did she give you that?\n\nKRAMER\nI think she liked me.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you mean she liked you?\n\nKRAMER\n*Liked* me.\n\nGEORGE\nKramer, they like everybody. They're\nfriendly people.\n\nKRAMER\nNo. I think I picked up on a vibe.\n\nJERRY\nYou picked up on a vibe, from a nun.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, Jerry I'm telling you I have this\npower. And I have no control\n\nover it.\n\nKramer leaves.\n\nJerry's girlfriend appears at the doorway.\n\nJERRY\nOh hi.\n\nJERRY'S GIRLFRIEND\nI just wanted to stop by and see how\nyou were feeling.\n\nJERRY\n(weakly) A little better. *fake cough*\n\nJERRY'S GIRLFRIEND\nIf you need anything let me know.\n\nJERRY\nOkay. All right bye.\n\nGEORGE\nStory.\n\nJERRY\nShe's subletting Carol's place for a\nmonth.\n\nGEORGE\nShe likes you.\n\nJERRY\nYeah but there's a problem. I found\na tube of a fungicide in her\n\nmedicine cabinet.\n\nGEORGE\nSo?\n\nJERRY\nSo I don't know what she's using it\nfor.\n\nGEORGE\nWell how do you even know it's hers?\nMaybe it belonged to Carol.\n\nDid you see a name on the tube?\n\nJERRY\nI didn't even think to look.\n\nGEORGE\nWell take a look. It might not even\nbelong to her.\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nPeople always leave old things in their\nmedicine cabinet.\n\nJERRY\nYeah I've got this old bottle of cough\nmedicine.\n\nGEORGE\nI still have brill cream.\n\nAt Jerry's girlfriend's apartment.\n\nJerry knocks on the door\n\n*knock, knock, knock*\n\nJERRY'S GIRLFRIEND\nHi.\n\nJERRY\nHi. Can I use your bathroom?\n\nAt the doctor's apartment.\n\nELAINE\nYou sure you don't mind?\n\nDOCTOR\nNo of course not. People ask me medical\nquestions all the\n\ntime.\n\nELAINE\nWell the question isn't even for me\nit's for a friend.\n\nDOCTOR\nElaine, I'm used to it. I'm a doctor.\n\nELAINE\nWell... podiatrist.\n\nDOCTOR\nHuh?\n\nELAINE\nNo no, I'm just saying you didn't really\ngo to medical school, you\n\nwent to podiatry school. Which I'm sure is very grueling in it's\nown way.\n\nDOCTOR\nI went to podiatry school because I\nlike feet. I chose to work with\n\nfeet.\n\nELAINE\nI like feet too. I'm just saying...\n\nDOCTOR\nSaying what?\n\nIn Jerry's girlfriend's apartment.\n\nShe knocks on the bathroom door.\n\n*knock, knock, knock*\n\nJERRY'S GIRLFRIEND\nHow are you doing in there?\n\nJERRY\nFine all done, just looking for the\nsoap.\n\nJerry is looking around for the bottle of fungicide.\n\nJERRY'S GIRLFRIEND\nNo soap?\n\nJERRY\nNo I don't see it.\n\nJerry finds the bottle of fungicide and picks it up. Jerry's\ngirlfriend\n\nenters the bathroom with soap. Hastily, Jerry puts the bottle\nof fungicide in\n\nhis pocket.\n\nJERRY'S GIRLFRIEND\n(giving Jerry the soap) Here you go.\n\nAt George's parent's house.\n\nGeorge is in the bathroom with his Latvian Orthodox books.\n\n*knock, knock, knock*\n\nESTELLE\nGeorge what are you doing in there?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat? Nothing.\n\nFRANK\nYou've been in there an hour.\n\nESTELLE\nYou don't feel well?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm fine.\n\nESTELLE\nI want to know what you're doing in\nthere.\n\nGEORGE\nNothing.\n\nFRANK\nGeorge, open the door.\n\nGEORGE\nNo.\n\nESTELLE\nGeorgie.\n\nGEORGE\nNo!\n\nAt Kramer's apartment.\n\nSister Roberta is knocking on the door.\n\n*knock, knock, knock*\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nSISTER ROBERTA\nGood evening. I hope I'm not disturbing\nyou, but I found\n\nanother toy I thought you might like.\n\n(Commercial)\n\nAt Jerry's Apartment.\n\nJERRY\nOkay, Latvius was the son of which apostle?\nAnd I'll need that in the\n\nform of a question.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know. I can't believe they're\nmaking me take this test.\n\nElaine enters.\n\nJERRY\nHey, did you talk to the doctor?\n\nELAINE\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, the next time you see him\nshow him this. (He presents the\n\nbottle of fungicide.)\n\nELAINE\nYou *took* her medicine.\n\nJERRY\nNot on purpose. I was hoping there would\nbe a name on the tube. When\n\nare you seeing him again?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know. We got into this whole\nthing about how podiatrists\n\naren't real doctors.\n\nJERRY\nHow could you say that?\n\nELAINE\nIt's you fault. You just got me thinking.\n\nJERRY\nI was merely speaking extemporaneously.\n\nELAINE\nI've got nothing against the foot. I'm\npro-foot.\n\nJERRY\nMe too.\n\nELAINE\nDo you think I should call him and apologize?\n\nJERRY\nYes. He's a doctor.\n\nElaine starts to leave.\n\nJERRY\nWait a second.\n\nJerry puts the bottle of fungicide in Elaine's purse.\n\nJERRY\n(to George) What are you doing?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat does it look like I'm doing?\n\nJERRY\n(Reading words George wrote on his hand)\n\"Matthew, Luke, Paul\", what\n\nyou're cheating on your conversion chest?\n\nKramer enters.\n\nKRAMER\nI told you.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nI told you she liked me.\n\nJERRY\nWho?\n\nKRAMER\nSister Roberta.\n\nJERRY\nHow do you know?\n\nKRAMER\nShe told me. She said she's never had\na man stir up all of these\n\nfeelings inside of her. She's questioning her faith. She's thinking\nof\n\nleaving the church. Oh, uh, this power. I'm dangerous Jerry,\nI'm very very\n\ndangerous.\n\nAt the priest's office.\n\nFATHER-PRIEST\nI must say George, I was somewhat surprised\nat the results of\n\nyour conversion test. I don't recall having seen such an impressive\n\nperformance. You truly must be filled with the spirit of the\nLord.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, I'm I'm full of it Father.\n\nFATHER-PRIEST 2\n(muttering something to Father-Priest\n1) ...(mumble)... Kramer\n\n...(mumble)...\n\nFATHER-PRIEST\nYes, yes I see. (To George) I'm sorry\nsomething has come up.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, I understand.\n\nKramer enters.\n\nKRAMER\nUm, you wanted to see me Father?\n\nFATHER-PRIEST\nYes. Please, sit down. Sister Roberta\ncame to see me\n\nyesterday.\n\nKRAMER\nI know what this is about Father. I\ndidn't do anything. I just\n\nspoke to her innocently for just a few minutes. It's just that,\nthat I have\n\nthis power.\n\nFATHER-PRIEST\nYes. Kavorka.\n\n(I wouldn't mind having \"Kavorka\" myself ;) )\n\nKRAMER\nKavorka?\n\nFATHER-PRIEST\nIt is a Latvian word which means \"the\nlure of the animal\".\n\nKRAMER\nI don't understand.\n\nFATHER-PRIEST\nWomen are drawn to you. They would give\nanything to be\n\npossessed by you.\n\nKRAMER\nHelp me Father. Help me.\n\nFATHER-PRIEST\nYes, yes I will help you. Listen very\ncarefully. I want you\n\nto buy ten cloves of garlic, three quarts of vinegar, six ounces...\n\nThe hallway by Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is that stench? I got it. (He follows\nthe smell to Kramer's\n\ndoor) Ah hah.\n\n*knock, knock, knock*\n\nKramer opens his door. He is wearing a ring of garlics around\nhis neck.\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey. What are you doing?\n\nKRAMER\nI've got the Kavorka Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nThe Kavorka? What's that?\n\nKRAMER\nThe lure of the animal. I'm dangerous.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is this thing around your neck?\n\nKRAMER\nThe priests they're helping me. I just\nbathed in vinegar.\n\nJERRY\nYou know you're funcifying the whole\nbuilding.\n\nKRAMER\nKeep away Jerry. Keep away.\n\nHe closes his door.\n\nJERRY\nKramer. *knock, knock, knock* Kramer.\n\n+---------------------+\n\n| CONVERSION CEREMONY |\n\n| FOR |\n\n| GEORGE COSTANZA |\n\n| 3\nP.M. |\n\n| |\n\n| |\n\n| |\n\n+---------------------+\n\nThe sign is on a black background with white stick-on letters.\n\nA woman reads the sign.\n\nWOMAN\nGeorge Costanza? Estelle's son?\n\nAt George's parent's house.\n\nESTELLE\nLatvian Orthodox? Why are you doing\nthis?\n\nGEORGE\nFor a woman.\n\nFRANK\nA woman? What are you out of your mind?\n\nESTELLE\nWhy can't you do anything like a normal\nperson?\n\nFRANK\nWait. Is this the group that goes around\nmutilating squirrels?\n\nGEORGE\nNo it's a regular religion.\n\nFRANK\nI'm calling my lawyer. It might not\nbe too late to get out of this.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't want to get out of it.\n\nESTELLE\nGeorge, you don't know what you're saying.\nYou're under their\n\ncontrol.\n\nFRANK\nWhat, they brainwashed you?\n\nGEORGE\nNo no.\n\nFRANK\nYou're not performing any rituals in\nthis house.\n\nESTELLE\nGo back to the psychiatrist. I beg you.\n\nFRANK\nAnd stay away from those squirrels.\n\nAt Jerry's girlfriend's apartment.\n\nJERRY'S GIRLFRIEND\nOh how you doing Jerry?\n\nJERRY\nGood. What's the matter?\n\nJERRY'S GIRLFRIEND\nI'm tired. I hardly slept last night\nwith all this\n\nscratching. Bonkers was going crazy.\n\nJERRY\nBonkers?\n\nJERRY'S GIRLFRIEND\nMy cat. He's got this weird sort of\nskin condition.\n\nSome type of fungus, I couldn't find his medicine.\n\nJERRY\nOh it's your cat!\n\nJERRY'S GIRLFRIEND\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nOoh, nothing.\n\nAt the church.\n\nFATHER-PRIEST\nAre you ready my son?\n\nGEORGE\nYes faddah.\n\nFATHER-PRIEST\nWhat did you say?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nFATHER-PRIEST\nI thought you said faddah.\n\nGEORGE\nI said faddah, I meant Father. Just\na little bit nervous.\n\nOutside on a sidewalk.\n\nA woman is waiting for a cab. Kramer walks up to her.\n\nKRAMER\nHow you doing?\n\nWOMAN\nGet away from me you creep. (She walks\naway.)\n\nKRAMER\nYes, Yes. It worked. Sister Roberta\nI've still got time to catch\n\nher.\n\nAt the church. It is George's conversion ceremony.\n\nChurch music plays.\n\nGeorge is dressed in a white church gown.\n\nHe walks down the church aisle carrying a candle.\n\nFather-priest says some Latvian words.\n\nKramer is running down the street going to the church.\n\nThe church music is still playing.\n\nGeorge takes a drink of some wine. He spills some on his gown.\nHe makes a\n\nhand motion on his gown.\n\nKramer is still running to the church.\n\nThe church music is still playing.\n\nFATHER-PRIEST\nCongratulations George. Welcome to the\nfaith. Sister Roberta\n\nwould you please offer the final benediction.\n\nSISTER ROBERTA\n(hesitates) I can't. (crowd murmurs)\nI'm sorry. It's a\n\nbeautiful religion, but I am not worthy of it. I found something\nelse.\n\nKramer enters the church.\n\nSISTER ROBERTA\nHim.\n\nCROWD\nKavorka, Kavorka.\n\nAt Elaine's apartment.\n\nELAINE\n*kiss, kiss* Because I love the foot.\nI'm a big fan of the foot.\n\nDOCTOR\nWell it's my fault. I got a little defensive.\n\nELAINE\nAnd that pinkie toe, come on . How adorable\nis the pinkie toe.\n\nDOCTOR\nIt's my favorite toe.\n\nELAINE\nLet's face it, you get a bunion, where\nare you going? You're not\n\ngoing to the ear guy.\n\nDOCTOR\nNo you're not.\n\n*phone rings*\n\nELAINE\nI'll be right back.\n\nDOCTOR\nOh uh, where's the bathroom?\n\nELAINE\nIt's right down here to the left. I\nwill meet you right back here.\n\nJERRY\nElaine it's her cat. Her cat had the\nfungus. So I need the tube\n\nback.\n\nThe doctor is in Elaine's bathroom.\n\nHe peeks into the medicine cabinet and finds the tube of fungicide.\n\nDOCTOR\n(Thinking to himself) \"Fungicide\"? Fungus?\n\nAt the church.\n\nSISTER ROBERTA\nSomething's wrong. I don't feel the\nsame lure.\n\nKRAMER\nYou don't?\n\nSISTER ROBERTA\nWhat have I...? I must return to the church.\nBy the way you\n\nreally need to take a bath. You stink.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah yeah.\n\n(Commercial)\n\nAt Monk's\n\nGEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND\nFor me?\n\nGEORGE\nWell I didn't do it for my mother.\n\nGEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND\nI'm really flattered. But I just don't\nfeel ready to\n\nmake a commitment yet. Maybe when I get back from Latvia.\n\nGEORGE\nLatvia?\n\nGEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND\nYes. I'm going to stay with some relatives\nthere for a\n\nyear. Isn't it great?\n\nGEORGE\nEnjoy, enjoy.\n\nGEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND\nOh George, you are so sweet. Don't ever\nchange.\n\nGEORGE\nI'd like a doggie bag for this please.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Stall.html",
    "text": "THE STALL\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry Charles\n\n(the bathroom)\n\nELAINE\nwhat a dope!\n\nuh..excuse me\n\numm.. I'm sorry\n\nthis is.. this is kind of embarrassing\nbut.. there's no toilet paper over\nhere\n\nJANE\n(from the stall on Elaine's right)\n\nare you talking to me?\n\nELAINE\nyeah.. I\n\nI just forgot to check\n\nso if you could just spare me some\n\nJANE\nno I'm sorry\n\nELAINE\nwhat?\n\nJANE\nno I'm sorry, I can't spare it\n\nELAINE\nyou can't spare it??\n\nJANE\nno there's not enough to spare\n\nELAINE\nwell I don't need much, just 3\nsquares will do it\n\nJANE\nI'm sorry I don't have a square\nto spare, now if you don't mind..\n\nELAINE\n3 squares? you can't spare 3 squares??\n\nJANE\nno I don't have a square to spare,\nI can't spare a square\n\nELAINE\noh is it two-ply? cause it it's\ntwo-ply I'll take one ply, one\nply, one, one\n\npuny little ply, I'll take one\nmeasly ply\n\nJANE\nlook, I don't have a square and\nI don't have a ply (flushing and\nleaving)\n\nELAINE\nno no, no no, don't don't, I beg\nyou\n\n(the movie theater)\n\nJERRY\n(eating pop corn)\n\nhmm I love this artificial flavoring\n\nI like it better than butter\n\nI think it's more consistent\n\nJANE\nyou would not believe what just\nhappened to me in the bathroom\n\nJERRY\nwhat?\n\n(offering pop corn to Jane)\n\n(elsewhere in the same theater)\n\nELAINE\n\nHEY\n\nTONY\n\nHEY\nhey? where is my popcorn babe?\n\nELAINE\nwhat?\n\nTONY\nmy popcorn, you were supposed to\nget me popcorn\n\nwhat? would you forget about me\nbabe?\n\nELAINE\nyou would not believe what just\nhappened to me in the bathroom\n\nJANE\nI mean.. a person needs a certain\namount of toilet paper to be covered..\nI\n\nsimply could not spare it\n\nthis woman just didn't get it,\nshe kept harassing me\n\nELAINE\n3 squares!! that's all I was asking\nfor! 3 squares!\n\nJANE\nshe wouldn't stop\n\n\"help me! help me!\"\n\nshe was insane\n\nELAINE\nI was begging her\n\n\"please! please!\"\n\nshe was insane\n\nJERRY\nwho do you think she is? how dare\nshe?\n\nyou want me to get the manager?\ntoo bad they don't have those old\nladies\n\nwalking around with flashlights\nanymore\n\nwe'd flush her out\n\nJANE\nI don't know what she looks like\n\nJERRY\nI wonder where Elaine is sitting?\nI really wanted you to meet her\n\nshe's supposed to be here tonight\nwith her new boyfriend Tony\n\nELAINE\nhmm where is Jerry sitting? he's\nsupposed to be here tonight with\nhis new\n\ngirlfriend I'm dying to see what\nshe looks like\n\nTONY\nhey? you think if I jumped off\nthis balcony I'd get hurt?\n\n(Jerry's apt.)\n\n(Jerry's at his computer)\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\n\nHEY\n\nJERRY\n\nHEY\n\nKRAMER\nhey guy, can I use your phone in\nyour bedroom?\n\nJERRY\nwhat's the matter with yours?\n\nKRAMER\nhuh.. my batteries are dead\n\nJERRY\nhey it's not one of those 976 calls,\nis it?\n\nKRAMER\nlook come on, let me use it, 5\nminutes, I'll pay you back huh?\n\nJERRY\nwhy do you do that?\n\nKRAMER\noh... (get in the bedroom)\n\n(Elaine enters)\n\nELAINE\nI am never going back to the movies\nagain\n\nJERRY\nhey where were you last night?\nI looked for you, I didn't see\nyou\n\nELAINE\nI looked for you too, I was all\nthe way over on the side\n\nJERRY\noh with huh.. pretty boy.. Tony\n\nELAINE\n\nYEAH\n\nJERRY\nhey hey (fooling around with his\ncollar)\n\nELAINE\nyeah, all right ok\n\nJERRY\nTony, hey hey (continues fooling)\n\nELAINE\nthat's nice. Listen, listen to\nthis\n\nI am in the bathroom, right before\nthe movie starts\n\nJERRY\nhuh huh\n\nELAINE\nI'm in the stall and there's no\ntoilet paper\n\nJERRY\nno what?\n\nELAINE\ntoilet paper\n\nJERRY\noh.. whoa..\n\nELAINE\nso I ask this woman in the stall\nnext to me for some and she refuses!\nho ho\n\nJERRY\nwell maybe she couldn't spare it\n\nELAINE\na square?\n\nJERRY\nwell, you know, sometimes a square\nis everything\n\nELAINE\na ply?\n\nJERRY\nElaine, you cannot judge a person\non a situation like that. I mean\nit's like\n\nasking for someone's canteen in\nthe desert\n\nELAINE\n\nYEAH\n\nJERRY\nit's battle conditions\n\nELAINE\nyeah, well\n\nI just hope I run into her again\nok, cause I will never forget that\nflinty\n\nvoice, it is tattooed in my brain\n\nif I hear it, watch out\n\nSo listen what happened with Jane\nlast night?\n\nJERRY\noh.. Jane she huh.. she huh..\n\nELAINE\nthe 4 of us are going out Saturday\nright? hat should be fun\n\nJERRY\nyeah that should be real fun\n\nELAINE\nyou know what, it's getting late,\ncan I call Tony?\n\nJERRY\n\nYEAH\n(Elaine picks up the wireless phone\nand presses for the tone)\n\nWOMAN'S VOICE ON THE PHONE\nthen we'll get a cab and we'll\ndo it in the back seat.. how's\nthat Andre?\n\nELAINE\nAndre?\n\n(Jerry approaches and listens to\nthe phone with Elaine)\n\nKRAMER (on the phone)\n\nwhat about the driver? we could\nget an accident\n\nWOMAN\nso what?\n\nKRAMER\noh that wouldn't be very good\n\nJERRY\n(on the phone)\n\nhey Andre, get the hell off the\nphone!\n\nELAINE\nwhat is going on? what.. who is\nAndre?\n\nJERRY\nKramer's Andre, he's fooling around\nwith these 976 numbers (Kramer\nwalks out\n\nof the bedroom) hey I told you,\nI don't want you doing that on\nmy phone\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, I'm telling you, this phone\nsex thing is hilarious, like this\nwoman\n\nErika, here look (showing the ad\nin the newspaper). You gotta call\nher, the\n\nvoice she uses..\n\nJERRY\nhey you know it's weird because\nthat voice sounded a little familiar\nto me\n\nKRAMER\nhey, you're hungry? Monk's?\n\nJERRY\nno I gotta go downtown\n\nELAINE\noh wait, you're giving me a lift\nhome right?\n\nJERRY\n\nYEAH\n\nELAINE\nso listen, what happened last night\nwith Jane?\n\nJERRY\nnothing, she just.. choked on a\njujube\n\n(Jerry's car)\n\nELAINE\nyou know I hate to tell you this,\nbut it's time to defrost that freezer\n\nJERRY\nI know, I just can't bring myself\nto do it\n\nmeanwhile that freezer keeps getting\nsmaller and smaller (she smiles)\n\n(Elaine looks at her watch)\n\noh, don't wanna keep Tony waiting\n\nELAINE\nhey you got a problem with Tony?\n\nJERRY\nhunky.. Tony.. hey hey hey (fools\naround with his collar again)\n\nELAINE\nok Jerry, I would be going out\nwith him no matter what he looked\nlike\n\nJERRY\nof course you would\n\nELAINE\noh yeah, oh.. like you're one to\ntalk\n\nJERRY\n\nELAINE\n\nELAINE\nwhat?\n\nJERRY\nit's different for a man\n\nELAINE\nhuh?\n\nJERRY\nwe're expected to be superficial\n\nELAINE\nI'm not being superficial\n\nJERRY\nElaine, he's a.. he's a male bimbo,\nhe's a mimbo\n\nELAINE\nhe's not a mimbo, he's an exciting,\ncharismatic man\n\nhe just happened to have a perfect\nface\n\nJERRY\nand that's why you're going out\nwith him\n\nELAINE\nno it is not\n\nJERRY\nyou know, I think George has a\nnon sexual crush on him\n\nELAINE\nI think he does too\n\nJERRY\nI mean, every time I see him, it's\nTony this, Tony that. George is\nlike a\n\nschool girl around him\n\n(MONK'S)\n\nTONY\nso I said huh.. \"hey dude, you\nbetter step off\"\n\n(Tony takes his cap and wears it\nbackwards)\n\nGEORGE\n\"step off\"?\n\nTONY\n\nYEAH\n\nGEORGE\nyou said \"step off\"?\n\nwow, that is too much\n\nhey..huh hey (George turns the\ncap his wearing backwards like\nTony)\n\nTony, I huh, I just had this brainstorm\nfor us. Can you guess what it is?\n\nTONY\n\nNO\n\nGEORGE\nbowling! what do you see bowling?\nbowling's insane! bowling is crazy\ntime\n\nTONY\nbowling? I don't think so George\nyou get no rush from bowling\n\nGEORGE\nrush? you want a rush? drop a bowl\non your toe my friend, talk about\na rush,\n\nyou'd be throbbing, you'd see visions\n\nTONY\nno no no no, I'm thinking.. rock-climbing\n\nGEORGE\nall right! rock-climbing! J..just\nthe 2 of us? alright! hey I'll\nmake some\n\nsandwiches, what what do you like?\ntuna? peanut butter?\n\nTONY\nwhat.. whatever\n\nGEORGE\nalright alright, I gotta buy some\nbread\n\nTONY\nyeah yeah, you know I'm definitely\ndown for some rock-climbing\n\nGEORGE\nme too, I am down, I am totally\ndown, mark me down\n\nTONY\ncool, so what do you say we climb\na rock ma\u00f1ana?\n\nGEORGE\nhuh.. ma\u00f1ana? huh ma\u00f1ana might..\nhuh ma\u00f1ana might be a problem,\nI'm supposed\n\nto have huh a boil lanced ma\u00f1ana.\nHuh you know I think they charge\nme if I\n\ncancel with only one ma\u00f1ana's notice\n(Kramer enters)\n\nTONY\nhey Kramer\n\nKRAMER\n\nHEY\n\nTONY\nhey, hey Kramer my man, what are\nyou doing ma\u00f1ana?\n\nKRAMER\nma\u00f1ana I'm doing nada\n\nTONY\nwhat do you say you scale some\nrock with me and George?\n\nGEORGE\nhuh Tony? there's not gonna be\ntoo many sandwiches\n\nTONY\nc'mon Kramer what do you say?\n\nGEORGE\nhuh Kramer it's huh.. gonna be\npretty dangerous up there\n\nKRAMER\nI am down\n\nTONY\nyes.. alright buddy, take it easy\nKramer\n\nyou down to it George? what's wrong?\n\nGEORGE\nI am down!\n\n(JERRY'S)\n\nELAINE\nrock climbing? hehe.. where do\nyou come off going rock climbing..\nrock\n\nclimbing? you need a boost to climb\ninto your bed (Elaine and Jerry\nlaughs)\n\nGEORGE\nalright alright\n\nJERRY\nyeah yeah what is it with you and\nTony? what are you? it's like his\nsidekick\n\nnow?\n\nGEORGE\nyeah that's right. I like it. He's\nsuch a cool guy\n\nJERRY\ncool guy? what are you, in 8th\ngrade?\n\nGEORGE\nhe's the first cool guy I've ever\nbeen friends with in my whole life.\nYou\n\nknow.. it's a different world when\nyou're with a cool guy, he's not\nafraid of\n\nanybody. You should hear the way\nhe talks to waitresses.. he gets\nfree pie!\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\n\nHEY\n\nEVERYBODY\n\nHEY\n\nGEORGE\nhey nice move today\n\nKRAMER\nwhat?\n\nGEORGE\nhorning on my rock climbing trip.\nIt's just supposed to be me and\nTony\n\nKRAMER: he asked me\n\nGEORGE\nyou put him on the spot\n\nKRAMER\nyou know I think you're in love\nwith him\n\nGEORGE\nwhat?.. that's ridiculous!\n\nKRAMER\nno no no, I don't think so. You\nlove him\n\nGEORGE\nyou better be careful on those\nrocks tomorrow buddy. And you're\nnot getting\n\nany sandwiches either\n\n(phone rings, Kramer answers)\n\nJERRY\nyou're making sandwiches?\n\nKRAMER\n\nHELLO\n\nGEORGE\nwell I don't know if there's gonna\nbe any place to eat up there\n\nKRAMER\nwho?\n\nGEORGE\nHey Elaine, does Tony like peanut\nbutter?\n\nELAINE\nhates it\n\nGEORGE\ngood thing I asked\n\nJERRY (to Kramer): who is it?\n\nKRAMER\nwell she says Jane\n\nJERRY\nyeah, so?\n\nKRAMER\nwell that voice, it's very familiar..\nthroaty, almost flinty\n\nJERRY\ndid you say flinty?\n\nKRAMER\nyeah yeah, (in a flinty voice)\nflinty\n\n(on the rocks)\n\n(Kramer and George are hanging\non a rock)\n\nKRAMER\n\n(SINGING)\nyodel lay hee hoo! yodel lay hee\nhoo!\n\nhello! (Kramer jumps around George\nfrom one side to an other)\n\nECHO\n\nHELLO\n\nKRAMER\nhey George, hear that?\n\n(George is terrified)\n\nGEORGE\nplease please please, stop moving\n\nthat's all I'm asking..\n\nKramer!!\n\n(George grabs Kramer's leg)\n\nKRAMER\nlet go, hey grab the rock\n\nGEORGE\nwhat rock?\n\nKRAMER\nthe rock\n\nGEORGE\nuh oh..\n\nKRAMER\nyou gotta relax.. try the yodel\n(chanting) yodel lay hee hoo\n\nGEORGE\n\n(SOBBING)\nyodel lay hee hoo..\n\nKRAMER\n\n(CHANTING)\nyodel lay hee hoo\n\nGEORGE\n\n(SOBBING)\nyodel lay hee hoo..\n\nTONY\n(voice from below)\n\nGeorge! Kramer!\n\nKRAMER\nyeah!\n\nTONY\ntake the rope, thread it through\nthe carabiner and knot it, and\nI'll climb up\n\nto where you are\n\nKRAMER\nalright.. George you got it? (gives\nhim the rope)\n\nGEORGE\n\nYEAH\n\nTONY\nhey George, you got anything to\neat dude?\n\nGEORGE\n(taking it out of his jacket pocket)\n\nyeah I got some sandwiches.. I\ngot tuna.. and salmon salad Tony\nbecause I know\n\nyou don't like peanut butter\n\n(the ropes slides down)\n\nKRAMER\nwhat?\n\nTONY\ndude aah.......\n\n(George and Kramer look at each\nother)\n\nGEORGE AND KRAMER\nahh.....!!\n\n(JERRY'S)\n(Jerry and Jane are eating)\n\nJERRY\n..can I have your napkin?\n\nJANE\nwhat?\n\nJERRY\nyou napkin I'm dripping\n\nJANE\nwell where is your napkin?\n\nJERRY\nI used it up\n\nJANE\nwell I need mine\n\n(looks at her watch)\n\noh god loot at the time, I gotta\nget to work\n\nJERRY\nyou know I'd like to hear about\nthis job of yours\n\nJANE\nI told you already it's very boring\n\nyou know I think I got a little\ntoo much garlic, can I have a piece\nof gum\n\nJERRY\nyou're fine (goes to the bathroom)\n\n(buzzer rings)\n\nJANE\noh how does this thing work?\n\nJERRY\njust press it\n\nELAINE\nit's Elaine\n\nJANE\noh come on up\n\nJERRY\n(coming out from the bathroom)\n\nwho was it?\n\nJANE\nit's Elaine\n\nJERRY\noh..huh.. is she coming up?\n\nJANE\n\nYEAH\n\nJERRY\nhuh.. uh.. you know your breath\nis a little garlicky you better\ntake some gum.\n\nJANE\n\nOK\n\nJERRY\nYeah have a couple of pieces, weak,\nweak gum yeah\n\n(Jane has her mouth full of gum\nand can't talk now)\n\nJANE\n\nHMM\n\nJERRY\nhave some more, take a load\n\nJANE\nisn't it too much?\n\nJERRY\ntrust me.. nah it's good\n\nJANE\nsmell?\n\nJERRY\nyeah stinks, terrible\n\n(Elaine enters)\n\nJERRY\nhi Elaine\n\nELAINE\n\nHI\n\nJERRY\nthis is Jane Elaine\n\nELAINE\nhi, nice to meet you finally\n\nJANE\nit's so nice to meet you (chewing)\nI look forward to Saturday night\n\nELAINE\nyeah me too\n\nJANE\nok so I'll see you Saturday night\n\nJERRY\nSaturday night (she leaves)\n\n(Jerry shuts the door)\n\nELAINE\nwhat is with the gum?\n\nJERRY\nI know it's a big problem.. she\nputs like 4 pieces in her mouth,\nit's\n\nridiculous, I don't think we're\ngonna be able to get together on\nSaturday\n\nNIGHT\n\nELAINE\nbecause of the gum\n\nJERRY\nwell it's too much, it's embarrassing\n\nELAINE\nwhy does she have to chew so many?\n\nJERRY\nshe's one of those person, always\nhave to be different\n\n(on the other side of the door)\n\n(WHISPERING)\n\nGEORGE\nshe's there, I can hear her\n\nKRAMER\nalright, who's gonna tell her\n\nGEORGE\nhuh you tell her\n\nKRAMER\nit was your fault\n\nGEORGE\nif you hadn't come, this whole\nthing wouldn't have happen\n\n(back on Jerry and Elaine's side,\nwe can hear George saying \"I was\nthe one who\n\nwas invited\", Jerry opens the door)\n\nJERRY\n\nWELL\n\nELAINE\n\nHEY\n\nGEORGE AND KRAMER\n\nHEY\n\nGEORGE\nwhat are you doing here?\n\nELAINE\ndid you have fun\n\nGEORGE AND KRAMER\n\nYEAH\n\nKRAMER\nfor a little while\n\nELAINE\nwhere's Tony?\n\nGEORGE\noh..\n\nKRAMER\nhuh..\n\nGEORGE\nKramer was supposed to tie a knot\n\nKRAMER\nwhoa ginga, you were supposed to\ntie the knot\n\nELAINE\ndid something happened?\n\nGEORGE\nTony.. took a bit of a tumble\n\nELAINE\nhis face, did something happen\nto his face?\n\nKRAMER\nwell it all depends on what you\nmean by.. happen\n\nGEORGE\nhe..he's alive\n\nKRAMER\n\nYEAH\n\nELAINE\nwhat happened to his face, tell\nme, what happened to his face\n\nGEORGE\nyou see he slipped, and he landed\non a kinda of a..\n\nKRAMER\n\nROCK\n\nGEORGE\nyeah.. the ambulance got there\nvery quickly\n\nKRAMER\nsome big rock\n\nGEORGE\nwe rode along all the way to the\nhospital\n\nKRAMER\nyeah I sang 99 bottles of beer\non the wall\n\n(Elaine rushes out)\n\nJERRY\nwell aside from that from that,\nhow did he like the sandwiches?\n\n(TONY'S)\n\nELAINE\nso huh, what did the doctors say?\n\nTONY\nthe said huh.. they said I'm coming\nalong (Tony's face is covered by\nbandages)\n\nELAINE\nbut what else did they say\n\nTONY\nwell, they said huh Tony, try to\nkeep it clean\n\nELAINE\nyeah.. no I mean did they get into\nstuff like a.. long jagged scars\nor.. gross\n\ndeformities, major skin grafts,\nstuff like that\n\nTONY\nI really don't remember, I was\nkinda out of it for the 1st couple\nof days, I\n\nwas on a lot of medications, it\nwas kinda like haze, it's pretty\ncool\n\nELAINE\nhuh (smiles) but huh, in this medicated\nhaze, in this woozy state, um do\nu\n\nrecall the words.. radical reconstructive\nsurgery being uttered?\n\nTONY\nI don't know, I don't know\n\nELAINE\nthink Tony, think\n\nTONY\nI'm drawing a blank, babe\n\n(knock on door)\n\n(Elaine gets it, it's George)\n\nELAINE\nthis isn't a very good time George\n\nGEORGE\nI just wanted to talk to Tony for\na minute (hands Elaine some stuff)\n\nTONY\nstep off George, I don't wanna\nsee you\n\nGEORGE\nme? \"step off\"\n\nELAINE\nyeah, Tony says you better step\noff George\n\nGEORGE\nbut..why, it wasn't my fault, I\n.. you asked me a sandwich, I ..\nI make such\n\ndelicious sandwiches Elaine\n\nTONY\njust beat it dude!\n\nGEORGE\nhere here, Superman (hands a comic\nbook to Elaine, who passes it to\nTony)\n\nplease, next time it will only\nbe the 2 of us\n\nTONY\nthere won't be any next time George\n\nGEORGE\noh Tony don't\n\nELAINE\nok step off George, can u just\nstep off?\n\nGEORGE\nI I just.. but..\n\nELAINE\nBye bye (shuts the door) oh.. (opens\nit back)\n\nGeorge wait wait\n\nGEORGE\nyes?\n\nELAINE\ncan you throw this trash out (closes\nthe door)\n\n(JERRY'S)\n(Jane is giving Jerry a massage)\n\nJERRY\nI've been waiting a while for this.\n\nYou know it's a shame Tony got\nall banged up, we're not gonna\nbe able to get\n\ntogether on Saturday night\n\nJANE\nthat is too bad, what a shame\n\nJERRY\nyeah, it's a damn shame, a damn\nshame!\n\nJANE\nwell maybe he's feeling better\n\nJERRY\nyeah without a doubt, I'm down\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nJERRY\noh hey how're you doing? Jane this\nis my neighbor Kramer\n\nKRAMER\n\nHEY\n\nJANE\nhello Kramer (he acts all weird,\na la Kramer)\n\nKRAMER\nwell hello Jane\n\nJANE\nJerry told me so much about you,\nI feel like I know you intimately\n\nKRAMER\n(very quickly)\n\noh I don't think so, no we never\nmet, I never talked to you before\non the\n\nphone, alright I'll see you later\nbuddy\n\nJERRY\nwait, where are you going? where\nare you going?\n\nKRAMER\nuptown, to the ?\n\nJANE\noh I'm going uptown too, you wanna\nsplit a cab?\n\nKRAMER\nwhat about the driver?\n\nJANE\nwhat are you talking about?\n\nJERRY\nalright I changed my mind, yeah\nI don't think I'm not gonna go\nnow\n\nJANE\nwell ok I'll see you later, nice\nmeeting you\n\nJERRY\nwhat's with you?\n\nKRAMER\nthat's her\n\nJERRY\nwho?\n\nKRAMER\nErika, she's Erika\n\nJERRY\noh you think she's Erika, the phone\nsex woman\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, that voice is tattooed on\nmy brain, I'm telling you it's\nher\n\nJERRY\noh you're crazy\n\nKRAMER\nam I? or am I so sane that you\njust blew your mind?\n\nJERRY\nit's impossible\n\nKRAMER\nis it? or is it so possible your\nheard is spinning like a top?\n\nJERRY\nit can't be\n\nKRAMER\ncan't it? or is your entire world\njust crashing down all around you?\n\nJERRY\nalright that's enough\n\nKRAMER\nyeaaaaah!\n\n(MONK'S)\n\nELAINE\nhe's supposed to get the bandages\noff on Sunday.. what if?\n\nJERRY\nwhat?\n\nELAINE\nyou know (acts like a monster)\n\nJERRY\noh you're afraid he might look\nlike Zippy the pinhead\n\nELAINE\nyeah I mean, I mean what is my\nobligation here, you know we were\njust dating,\n\nit was probably gonna be over in\na couple of weeks anyway\n\nJERRY\noh I though you didn't care about\nhis looks\n\nELAINE\nI lied\n\nJERRY\n\nAHA\n\nELAINE\nare you kidding, he's a mimbo I\nknow that.. but he's my mimbo,\nyou know even\n\nif he is a hideous freak maybe,\nmaybe I can learn to love him,\nmaybe in some\n\nfinal irony (Jerry is looking the\nother way), I'll learn what love\nreally is.\n\nYou know Jerry\n\nJERRY\noh I'm sorry I didn't get most\nof that.. isn't that Kramer over\nthere?\n\nELAINE\nyeah, yeah\n\nJERRY\nhey Kramer\n\nKRAMER\nwhat? hey (walks by Jerry and Elaine's\ntable) it's all set\n\nJERRY\nwhat's all set?\n\nKRAMER\nErika is gonna meet me here, now\nwe're gonna find out the truth\n\nJERRY\nhow's you get her to meet here?\n\nKRAMER\nI don't know, we have a certain\nchemistry\n\n(Jane shows up and when she sees\nJerry, she walks by their table,\nsmiling)\n\nJERRY\noh my god\n\nJANE\nhi I thought I'd find you here\n\nJERRY\nhello.. Erika\n\nJANE\nErika? what are you talking about?\n\nJERRY\nhow can u say things like that\nover the phone?\n\nJANE\nwhat are you talking about?\n\nJERRY\nselling sexual pleasure over the\nphone?\n\nJANE\nI sell paper goods you jerk\n\nJERRY\npaper goods?\n\nELAINE\nexcuse me, do you have a tissue?\n\nJANE\nI'm sorry, I can't spare it, there's\nnot enough to spare\n\n(Elaine realizes)\n\nJANE\nwhere's the ladies' room (Kramer\npoints her)\n\nELAINE\nI have to go to the bathroom too\n(runs to be ahead of Jane)\n\n(the bathroom)\n\nJANE\noh damn\n\nELAINE\nsomething.. wrong?\n\nJANE\nyeah there's no toilet paper out\nhere, I usually check but would\nyou mind?\n\nELAINE\nI can't, I don't have it, I don't\nhave a square to spare, I can't\nspare a\n\nSQUARE\n\nJANE\nwait a minute, I know you\n\nELAINE\nthat's right honey, and I know\nyou!\n\n(Elaine gets out and she has 2\nrolls of toilet paper)\n\nJANE\nno, no, no!!!\n\n(she's out of the bathroom now,\nvery satisfied, and walks towards\nJerry and\n\ngives him the rolls)\n\nELAINE: here, take it\n\nJANE\n(walks out of the bathroom, very\nfurious) (to Jerry)\n\ndon't call me anymore\n\n(Jerry doesn't say anything and\nwaves his hands)\n\n(Jane walks by Kramer and turns\nback)\n\nJANE\n(to Kramer, in a very sensual voice)\n\nyou either\n\n(sticks her tongue out)\n\n(Kramer and Jerry look at each\nother, with their mouth open)\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Dinner-Party.html",
    "text": "THE DINNER PARTY\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nWe never should have landed a man on the moon. It's a mistake.\nNow everything is compared to that one accomplishment. I can't\nbelieve they could land a man on the moon ... and taste my\ncoffee! I think we all would have been a lot happier if they\nhadn't landed a man on the moon. Then we'd go, They can't make\na prescription bottle top that's easy to open? I'm not surprised\nthey couldn't land a man on the moon. Things make perfect sense\nto me now. Neil Armstrong should have said, \"That's one small\nstep for man, one giant leap for every, complaining, sob on the\nface of the earth. \"\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nELAINE\nHey, do you believe I got happy new\nyear today? It's February.\n\nJERRY\nI once got Happy new Year in July.\n\nELAINE\nIt's\n\nJERRY\nIt's pathetic... . hey, is it cold\nout?\n\nELAINE\nIt's really cold.\n\nJERRY\nScary cold.\n\nELAINE\nI don't know. What's your definition\nof scary cold?\n\n(George enters in Gore-Tex jacket)\n\nJERRY\nThat.\n\nELAINE\nHuh, What is that, ha?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nWhen did you get that?\n\nGEORGE\nThis week. My father got a deal from\na friend of his. It's Gore-Tex. You\nknow about Gore-Tex?\n\nJERRY\nYou like saying Gore-Tex, don't you?\n\nELAINE\nYou can't even turn around in that thing.\n\nJERRY\nLook at this (start hitting George)\n\nELAINE\nHey George, can you feel this? (they\nare hitting his jacket)\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, all right. KNOCK IT OFF.\nCome on, let's go.\n\nELAINE\nMaybe we should stop off on the way\nand get a bottle of wine or something.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat for?\n\nELAINE\nThese people invited us for dinner.\nWe have to bring something.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy?\n\nELAINE\nBecause it's rude, otherwise.\n\nGEORGE\nYou mean just going there because I'm\ninvited, that's rude?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nSo you're telling me instead of being\nhappy to see me they're going to be\nupset because I didn't bring anything.\nYou see what I'm saying?\n\nJERRY\nThe fabric of society is very complex\nGeorge.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't even drink wine. I drink Pepsi.\n\nELAINE\nYou can't bring Pepsi.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy not?\n\nELAINE\nBecause we're adults?\n\nGEORGE\nYou telling me that wine is better than\nPepsi? Huh, no way wine is better than\nPepsi.\n\nJERRY\nI'm telling you George, I don't think\nwe want to walk in there and put a big\nplastic jug of Pepsi on the table.\n\nGEORGE\nI just don't like the ideas that every\ntime there is a dinner invitation there's\nthis annoying little chore that goes\nalong with it.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, you're getting to be an annoying\nlittle chore yourself.\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, let's go. Who's driving?\n\nJERRY\nYou are. I can't get that thing (George)\nin my car.\n\n(In Kramer's car)\n\nJERRY\nWhere's the heat in this car? Come on\nElaine warm me up, oh! I'm cold. Give\nme a squeeze.\n\nELAINE\nGet off of me. Get off of ME!\n\nJERRY\nYou're pretty comfortable up there eh.\nBubble boy?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, yeah. You wish you had this coat.\n\nELAINE\nI was just thinking. The four of us\ncan't show up with just one bottle of\nwine.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, here we go. Why don't we get them\na couch? Bring them a nice sectional.\n\nELAINE\nWe'll get some cake. Can you stop off\nat the bakery?\n\nGEORGE\nWhy don't you just get some Ring Dings\nat the liquor store?\n\nELAINE\nRing Dings?\n\nGEORGE\nHey, Ring Dings are better than anything\nyou'll ever get at a bakery.\n\nKRAMER\nI like Ring Dings.\n\nELAINE\nGeorge, we can't show up at someone's\nhouse with Ring Dings and Pepsi.\n\nKRAMER\nHEY YOUR LIGHTS ARE ON!\n\nGEORGE\nIt's a funeral procession... . And\nI got news for you. I show up with Ring\nDings and Pepsi, I become the biggest\nhit at the party. People be coming up\nto me, \"just between you and me I'm\nreally excited about the Ring Dings\nand the Pepsi. Europeans with the Beaujolais\nand Chardonnay ...\n\nELAINE\nOh, wait a minute. There's the bakery.\nStop here. Stop here. Okay, let me out.\nYou, whatever your name is...\n\nJERRY\nJerry.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, Jerry, come with me.\n\nKRAMER\nOkay, so we're going to get the wine\nand we'll pick you up here in ten minutes.\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right\n\n(The Royal Bakery)\n\nELAINE\nUmmm, I love the smell of bakeries.\n\nJERRY\nOh look Elaine, the black and white\ncookie. I love the black and white.\nTwo races of flavor living side by side\n(mumble?) It's a wonderful thing isn't\nit?\n\nELAINE\nYou know I often wonder what you'll\nbe like when you're senile.\n\nJERRY\nI'm looking forward to it.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. I think it will be a very smooth\ntransition for you.\n\nJERRY\nThank you. All right, look at all this\nstuff. What are we getting'?\n\nELAINE\nCHOCOLATE BOBKA! That's their specialty.\n\nJERRY\nLove that Bobka.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, yeah!\n\nJERRY\nSo listen Elaine, when we get up to\nthe door, you, you hold the cake box.\n\nELAINE\nWhy?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, just standing there with\na box, holding it by the little string.\n\nELAINE\nYou think it's effeminate?\n\nJERRY\nIt's a tad dainty.\n\nELAINE\nOh, we forgot to pick a number.\n\nJERRY\nYou see that's not fair. We were here\nahead of all these people.\n\nELAINE\nYou think I should go ask her for hers?\n\nJERRY\nNo, forget it.\n\nELAINE\nNo, no it's not fair. Just because they\nhave a ticket doesn't mean they were\nhere first. We were here and we were\nahead of them, and them, and her. Come\non let's just go ask them. Come on.\n... Excuse me.\n\n(Kramer's car)\n\nKRAMER\nWow, I'm not finding a spot here. What\ndo you want to do?\n\nGEORGE\nJust double park\n\nKRAMER\nNo\n\nGEORGE\nWhy not?\n\nKRAMER\nI'll get a ticket! Besides,, what if\nsomebody wants to get out of here?\n\nGEORGE\nAre you kidding? People get spaces this\ngood, they never give them up.\n\nKRAMER\nIt's a fallacy.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, I'll tell you what, why don't\nyou go into the store and I'll wait\nin the car?\n\nKRAMER\nWhy don't YOU go into the store and\nI'LL wait in the car?\n\nGEORGE\nBecause, I've got the coat. I can sit\nin the car and not get cold.\n\nKRAMER\nSo what I'm going to leave the car running\nand the heater'll be on.\n\nGEORGE\nDoes the heater even work in this car?\n\nKRAMER\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, there's a spot right in front of\nthe liquor store. You see\n\nKRAMER\nI see.\n\nGEORGE\nYou see, ho ho,\n\n(Royal Bakery)\n\nELAINE\nBut we were here ahead of you.\n\nBARBARA\nHow do I know that?\n\nJERRY\nWell we saw you come in.\n\nYYY\nWell, that's easy for you to say.\n\nELAINE\nOh, yeah, right, that's something I\ndo all the time, right. I make up stories\nto get ahead in line at bakeries.\n\nCLERK\n46?\n\nELAINE\nWait, wait a second are, are you Barbara\nBenedict?\n\nBARBARA\nYes.\n\nELAINE\nOh my god. I, I know you. Um, I'm Elaine\nBenes, you remember we met at Linda\nvan Grak's baby shower.\n\nBARBARA\nI'm on my way over there right now.\n\nELAINE\nMe too.\n\nD\nYou're Jerry right?\n\nJERRY\nDavid!\n\nELAINE\nWell,, this is a little awkward, isn't\nit?\n\nBARBARA\nYes it is.\n\nELAINE\nYou know we were here ahead of you.\n\nBARBARA\nYou're NOT getting my number.\n\nJERRY\nOh so you still don't believe us.\n\nCLERK\n47!\n\nBARBARA\nUs.\n\nELAINE\nOh, oh, fine, go ahead. But listen let\nme tell you something as soon as I get\nthere I'm going to tell everyone what\na jerk you are.\n\nBARBARA\nWell, I'll be there ahead of you and\nI'LL be telling them what a jerk YOU\nare... . I'll have the chocolate Bobka.\n\nCLERK\nYou're lucky Mrs. Benedict it's our\nlast one.\n\n(Liquor Store)\n\nGEORGE\nSo alright, what are we getting? It's\nso hot in here!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat do you say we get a Mouton Cadet?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's that?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's robust, bold, very dry. As opposed\nto a Beaujolais which is richer and\nfruitier. Here's one. Twelve dollars.\n\nGEORGE\nTwelve dollars? I knew we should have\ngone to the bakery. I guarantee you\nthey aren't getting no twelve dollar\ncake.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right but I am going to have to\npay you back latter I don't have my\nwallet.\n\nGEORGE\n... Why not?\n\nKRAMER\nBecause I don't like to carry my wallet.\nMy osteopath says it's bad for my spine.\nIt throws my hips off kilter\n\nGEORGE\n\"throws your hips off kilter\" So where's\nyour money?\n\nKRAMER\nI never take it.\n\nGEORGE\nSo what do you do?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I get by.\n\n(Royal Bakery)\n\nBARBARA\nSee you later (exits with the Bobka)\n\nELAINE\n/JERRY: See you later.\n\nJERRY\nThat's the last Bobka. They got the\nlast Bobka.\n\nELAINE\nI know. They're going in first with\nthe last Bobka.\n\nJERRY\nThat was our Bobka.\n\nELAINE\nYou can't beat a Bobka.\n\nJERRY\nWe should have had that Bobka.\n\nELAINE\nThey're going to be heroes.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are we going to do now. If we can't\nget the Bobka the whole thing's useless.\n\nELAINE\nWell how about a carrot cake?\n\nJERRY\nCarrot cake? Now why is that a cake?\nYou don't make carrots into a cake.\nI'm sorry.\n\nELAINE\nBlack Forrest?\n\nJERRY\nBlack Forrest? Too scary. You're in\nthe Forrest, oohh.\n\nJERRY\nHow about a Napoleon?\n\nELAINE\nNapoleon? Who's he to have a cake? He\nwas a ruthless war monger. Might as\nwell get Mengle.\n\nJERRY\nThat wa sour Bobka. We had that Bobka!\n\nELAINE\nWhat's this one?\n\nCLERK\nThat's cinnamon Bobka.\n\nJERRY\nAnother Bobka?\n\nCLERK\nThere's chocolate and there's cinnamon.\n\nJERRY\nWell, we've got to get the cinnamon.\n\nELAINE\nNo, but they got the chocolate. We'll\nbe going in with a lesser Bobka.\n\nJERRY\nI beg your pardon? Cinnamon takes a\nback seat to no Bobka. People love cinnamon.\nIt should be on tables at restaurants\nalong with salt and pepper. Anytime\nanyone says, \"Oh This is so good. What's\nin it?\" The answer invariably comes\nback, Cinnamon. Cinnamon. Again and\nagain. Lesser Bobka - I think not.\n\nCLERK\n49?\n\nELAINE\nI'll have the cinnamon Bobka.\n\nJERRY\n... and a black and white cookie, for\nme. Peace!\n\n(Liquor store)\n\nCLECK\nThat will be 13.05\n\nGEORGE\nAll right here you go.\n\nCLERK\nA hundred? I can't change that.\n\nGEORGE\nYou can't - oh uh oh All right let's\ngo.\n\nKRAMER\nWait a second. I can get change.\n\n(Out on the street)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, anybody got change for a hundred?\n\nGEORGE\nHey, hey What are you doing? You'll\nget us killed.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nDon't go shouting we got a hundred dollar\nbill. People will be jumping out of\nwindows after us.\n\nKRAMER\nOkay. Let's go but something. Then we'll\nget some change.\n\nGEORGE\nI am not buying something just to get\nchange.\n\nKRAMER\nGeorge, there's a news stand right over\nthere. Now come on.\n\nKRAMER\nAll rright let's get some gum or something.\n\nGEORGE\nPack of gum, okay here you go.\n\nCLERK\nWhat I this a hundred? I can't change\na hundred.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy not?\n\nCLERK\nYou got to buy more than that.\n\nKRAMER\nHere, get a newspaper.\n\nGEORGE\nA newspaper.\n\nCLERK\nThat's not enough.\n\nKRAMER\nA Clark Bar.\n\nGEORGE\nClark Bar.\n\nCLERK\nKeep going.\n\nGEORGE\nThere's 22 dollars here.\n\nKRAMER\nGeorge, George, Get a Penthouse Forum.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm not getting a Penthouse Forum.\n\nKRAMER\nThat will make great dinner party conversation.\nWe'll read the letters at the dinner\ntable.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, that's nice.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, did you ever read one of these?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's not real. They're all made up.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, it's real.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know there is an unusual number\nof people in this country having sex\nwith AMPUTEES! ... Penthouse forum,\nnewspaper, gum, Clark Bar.\n\nCLERK\n6.75.\n\nGEORGE\nAh, great. With the wine I'm in over\ntwenty dollars now.\n\nMAN1\n(gibberish Arabic yelling)\n\nGEORGE\nSorry, it's a new coat. It's Gore-Tex.\n\nKRAMER\nYou better be careful with that thing.\nYou'll start a war.\n\n(Royal Bakery)\n\nJERRY\nUhm, The thing about eating the Black\nand White cookie, Elaine, is you want\nto get some black and some white in\neach bite. Nothing mixes better than\nvanilla and chocolate And yet somehow\nracial harmony eludes us. If people\nwould only look to the cookie all our\nproblems would be solved.\n\nELAINE\nYour views on race relations are fascinating.\nYou really should do an op-ed piece\nfor the Times.\n\nJERRY\nUm, um, Look to the cookie Elaine. Look\nto the cookie.\n\nELAINE\nWhat is this?\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nIt's a hair.\n\nJERRY\nOh, take it back. Let's get another\none.\n\nELAINE\nNo, we've already got this. I'll just\ntake it off.\n\nJERRY\nNo, really, let's get another one. It\nwill just take a second.\n\nELAINE\nExcuse me.\n\nMAN\nHey hey, I'm in line here.\n\nELAINE\nNo noo no, we just bought this...\n. Um, you sold us a cake with a hair\non it.\n\nCLERK\nYou have to take a number.\n\nELAINE\nWe waited fifteen minutes for this.\nOh. YOU SOLD ME A CAKE WITH A HAIR ON\nIT. Then you want me to wait? ...\nWhat are you doing (to Jerry taking\na number) are you going to wait here?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I'm not going to eat a cake with\na hair on it.\n\nELAINE\nIt was a little hair. I took it off.\n\nJERRY\nA little hair? Do you think that makes\nit better?\n\nELAINE\nWhat if it's your hair?\n\nJERRY\nWhat if it's your hair?\n\nELAINE\nWhat is wrong with my hair? Nothing.\nNobody takes better care of their hair\nthan me. You can serve dinner on my\nhead.\n\nJERRY\nWho needs misty herbal rain water crap\nthey sell in the health food store.\nI use Prell, the hard stuff. A hundred\nproof - takes your roots out.\n\nELAINE\nOkay, fine, we'll just wait until she\ncalls the number.\n\nJERRY\nWell, why don't we just forget about\nthe cake?\n\nELAINE\nNo I'm bringing cake!\n\n(Liquor store)\n\nGEORGE\nAll right we got the wine. Aren't we\nlucky? We got wine. Imagine if we didn't\nbring wine. We'd be shunned by society.\nOutcasts! WHERE'S YOUR WINE? GET OUT!\n\nKRAMER\n\"I know this is going to sound like\na crazy fantasy but every word of this\nstory is true...\" (exits to street) \"\nA weeks days ago my girlfriend happened\nto mention to me how attractive our\nnew neighbor Linda was...\"\n\nGEORGE\nLook at this? Somebody double parked\nand blocked us in. DOES ANYBODY KNOW\nWHOSE CAR THAT IS? Maybe there's a note\non it. No, no note. Can you believe\nthis?\n\nKRAMER\n\"...well of course I noticed it too with\nthose ample breasts and those pouty\nlips. I don't have to tell you she was\na knock out....\"\n\n(still on street but much later)\n\nGEORGE\nI really can't comprehend how stupid\npeople can be sometimes. Can you comprehend\nit?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no I can't comprehend it?\n\nGEORGE\nI mean we can put a man on the moon\nbut we're basically still very stupid.\nThe guy who's car this is? He could\nbe one of the guys who built the rocket.\nYou see what I'm saying?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, he could build the rocket but\nhe's still stupid for double-parking\nand blocking somebody in.\n\nGEORGE\nSo you really understand my point about\nbuilding a rocket and double-parking.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, on one hand he's smart with rockets\nand on the other part he's dumb with\nparking... . It's cold out here huh?\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe it's not even stupidity. Maybe\nit's just a blatant disregard for basic\nhuman decency. If this how dictator's\nstart. Do you think Mussolini would\ncircle the block six times looking for\na spot?\n\nKRAMER\nHow about Idi Amin?\n\nGEORGE\nIll tell you, if I was running for office\nI would ask for the death penalty for\ndouble-parking. If this is allowed to\ngo on this is not a society. THIS IS\nANARCHY!\n\nKRAMER\nAre those shoes comfortable?\n\nGEORGE\nNo not really.\n\nKRAMER\nThey look comfortable.\n\nGEORGE\nI know that's why I bought them but\nthey're not comfortable.\n\n(Royal Bakery)\n\nELAINE\nWhy couldn't we have just taken the\nhair off and go?\n\nJERRY\nNo, out of the question.\n\nELAINE\nWhy?\n\nJERRY\nBecause I had a bad experience with\na hair when I was younger.\n\nELAINE\nWhat happened?\n\nJERRY\nI'd rather not talk about it.\n\nELAINE\nYou can't tell me?\n\nJERRY\nAll right ... I once had a hair in\nmy Farina and I freaked out.\n\nELAINE\nYou found a hair in your Farina?\n\nJERRY\nYeah,\n\nELAINE\nWhat happened?\n\nJERRY\nI started screaming, \"There's a hair\nin my farina. There's a hair in my farina.\"\nThen I ran out of the house and I was\nrunning and running. I was little but\nI could run very fast. I just kept running\nand they found me like three hours later\ncollapsed at a construction site.\n\nELAINE\nWow. Who's hair was it?\n\nJERRY\nMy mother's.\n\nCLERK\n68!\n\nELAINE\nThat's us.\n\nJERRY\nOh, good.\n\nELAINE\nYou sold us a hair with a cake around\nit. I'd like another one.\n\nCLERK\n(coughing and coughing)\n\nJERRY\nAh, that's lovely.\n\nELAINE\nAh,\n\nJERRY\nJust what you want to see, yeah...\n. You want to trade your hair for some\nphlegm\n\nCLERK\nHere you are.\n\nELAINE\nUm, okay, we got the cake now. Where\nare George and Kramer?\n\n(on street outside Liquor Store)\n\n(honking)\n\nKRAMER\nHEY DOUBLE-PARKER. SOVIET SCUM. COME\nON OUT. IT'S FREEZING!\n\nGEORGE\nWe're really late now. We're in big\ntrouble. Big trouble.\n\nKRAMER\nWhy?\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, Elaine.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat about her?\n\nGEORGE\n... I'm a little scared of her.\n\nKRAMER\nYou're scared of Elaine?\n\nGEORGE\nYes!\n\nKRAMER\nWhy?\n\nGEORGE\nDid you ever see her lose her temper.\nI was once late because I bought a Panama\nhat she grabbed it by the brim, pulled\nit down so hard my head came right through\nthe top of it.\n\nKRAMER\nLet's go inside the liquor store. It's\nfreezing in here.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy didn't you wear a heavier coat?\n\nKRAMER\nBecause I wanted to look good for the\nparty.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, hey that's great! That's very nice.\nWe've been waiting twenty minutes for\nyou people? What do you think? You're\nMussolini?\n\nMAN2\nBack off puff ball it's not my car!\n\nGEORGE\nI wasn't talking to you.\n\n(Royal Bakery)\n\nELAINE\nWait until I get my hands on that George.\nI'm going to pull that big hood over\nhis little head, tie the string and\nsuffocate him. You remember that Panama\nhat? That was nothing.\n\nJERRY\nUh, wa?\n\nELAINE\nWhat's the matter with you?\n\nJERRY\nUh, I don't feel so good.\n\nELAINE\nWhat's wrong?\n\nJERRY\nMy stomach, I, I think it was that\ncookie.\n\nELAINE\nThe black and white?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nNot getting along?\n\nJERRY\nI think I got David Duke and Fahrikan\ndown there.\n\nELAINE\nWell if we can't look to the cookie\nwhere can we look?\n\nJERRY\nI feel like I'm going to throw up.\n\nELAINE\nHey, what about your vomit streak?\n\nJERRY\nI know, I haven't thrown up since June\n29th, 1980.\n\n(Man with cane puts cane on Elaine's foot)\n\nELAINE\nOh, oh!\n\nMAN3\nSooory.\n\nELAINE\nSorry? You almost took my toe off. Why\ndon't you watch what you're doing you,\nLUNATIC!... uh, I think he broke my toe.\n(Jerry gets up) Where're you going?\n\nJERRY\nFourteen years down the drain.\n\n(Liquor Store)\n\nGEORGE\nDo chickens have individual personalities?\n\nKRAMER\n(shivering) I don't care.\n\nGEORGE\nIf you had five chickens could you tell\nthem apart by just the way they acted?\nOr would they all just be walking around?\nCluck, puk cluck? Because if they have\nindividual personalities I don't think\nwe should be eating them. What's the\nmatter with you?\n\nCLERK\nCan I help you guys with anything?\n\nGEORGE\nWe bought the wine here before, but\nnow we're blocked in by some car that's\ndouble parked and we're just waiting\nfor the guy to pull out.\n\nCLERK\nWell wait outside. This isn't a hangout.\nBut my friend here has hypothermia.\n\nKRAMER\nI've got hypothermia.\n\nCLERK\nAll right guys, take it outside.\n\n(George turns and breaks wine bottles)\n\nCLERK\nYou're paying for these.\n\n(Royal bakery)\n\nELAINE\nHow was it?\n\nJERRY\nAs good as it gets.\n\n(Outside Liquor Store)\n\nGEORGE\nYou know that coat was Gore-Tex. It\nwas worth a hell of a lot more than\nthat cheap Chardonnay.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm freezing. Definitely freezing. I\ncan't stop shaking.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm cold too. At least you've got a\ncoat. Let's get in the car.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, my god that's Saddam Hussein.\n\nMAN4\nDon't walk around without a coat in\nthis weather; you'll catch your death\nof cold. So long.\n\nCLERK\nCan I get you anything else?\n\nJERRY\nOh, no thanks.\n\nCLERK\nHow about a nice box of \"scram\".\n\n(George enters)\n\nGEORGE\nSomebody double parked, we couldn't\nhelp it. It might have been Saddam Hussein,\nwe're not really sure. He had a British\naccent though. What, what happened to\nyou?\n\nELAINE\nSomebody put a cane on my foot. Just\nlike the one I'm going to put up your\n....\n\nJERRY\nHey, what happened to your coat? And\nwhat's the smell, what are you drunk?\n\nGEORGE\nI had to give it to the liquor store\nguy.\n\nJERRY\nWhat for?\n\nGEORGE\nI spilled some Chardonnay. So what did\nyou get?\n\nELAINE\nCinnamon Bobka.\n\nGEORGE\nCinnamon? Why didn't you get chocolate?\n\nJERRY\nGeorge!\n\n(In the car)\n\n(silence)\n\n(Apartment #7)\n\nELAINE\nHere, here's your cake.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd your wine.\n\nELAINE\nSee ya'.\n\nJERRY\nSee ya'.\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\n\nI heard a weather man say that 75% of your body heat is\nactually lost through the top of the top of the head.\nWhich sounds like you could go skiing naked if you got a good hat.\nBut there's no hat that makes a statement quite like a hat with a flap.\nThe hat with the flaps makes a statement like no other hat makes. This hat\nsays to the world \"I would rather have the heat in my skull rather than\nanything society could possibly offer.\" In fact I would say if you're on\ntrial for a serious crime and you lawyer recommends the insanity defense,\nthis is the hat to wear. Your lawyer should insist on it.\n\n[puts on the hat] Your honor, \"The defense rests.\"\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Marine-Biologist.html",
    "text": "THE MARINE BIOLOGIST\n\nWritten by\n\nRon Hauge & Charlie Rubin\n\n(Jerry's apartment, Jerry is at the table and Elaine is on the\nphone)\n\nELAINE\n(to the phone) Well did he bring it\nup in the meeting?\n\n(Jerry picks up a yellow shirt and walks to Elaine)\n\nJERRY\nElaine, see this T-shirts, six years\nI've had this T-shirts, it's my\n\nbest one, I call him...Golden Boy\n\nELAINE\nI'm on the phone here.\n\nJERRY\nGolden Boy is always the first shirt\nI wear out of the laundry, here\n\ntouch Golden Boy!\n\nELAINE\nNo thanks. (to the phone)Yeah, Yeah\nI'll hold.\n\nJERRY\nBut see look at the collar, see it's\nfraying. Golden Boy is slowly\n\ndying. Each wash is brings him one step closer, that's what makes\n\nthe T-shirts such a tragic figure.\n\nELAINE\nWhy don't you just let Golden Boy soak\nin the sink with some\n\nWoolight?\n\nJERRY\nNo!!! The reason he's iron man is because\nhe goes out there and plays\n\nevery game. Wash!!! Spin!!! Rinse!!! Spin!!! You take that away\n\nfrom him, you break his spirit!\n\n(Elaine is suddenly excited)\n\nELAINE\n(to the phone)Yeah. Oh! What? He is!\nOh! this is so fantastic! I'm\n\nso excited! Yes I'm excited, OK I'll be in soon! OK, OK, I'm\n\ncoming, yeah, yeah I'm coming, I'm coming! (Elaine jumps up and\n\ndances around) Yuri Testikov, the Russian writer!\n\nJERRY\nThe guy in the gulag!\n\nELAINE\nYeah! Pendant's publishing his new book,\nand I'm working on it!\n\nLippman and I are going to the airport to pick him up Thursday\nin a\n\nlimousine!\n\nJERRY\nYou wanna barrow Golden Boy!\n\nELAINE\nOh! Don't you know what this means,\nit's like working with Tolstoy!\n\nJERRY\nHey ya know what I read the most unbelievable\nthing about Tolstoy the\n\nother day, did you know the original title for \"War and Peace\"\nwas\n\n\"War--What Is It Good For?\"!\n\nELAINE\nHa ha.\n\nJERRY\nNo, no.. I'm not kidding Elaine it's\ntrue, his mistress didn't like\n\nthe title and insisted him change it to \"War and Peace\"!\n\nELAINE\nBut it's a line from that song!\n\nJERRY\nThat's were they got it from!\n\nELAINE\nReally?\n\nJERRY\nI'm not joking!\n\n(George enters with a handful of mail)\n\nGEORGE\nYou can't handle the truth!(he solutes)\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm working on my Jack Nicholson, You\ncan't handle the truth!(he\n\nsolutes)\n\nELAINE\nWhat, is this your mail? (She takes\nthe mail and starts flipping\n\nthrough)\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, I grabbed it on my way, I don't\nwant my mother reading it.\n\nELAINE\nOh! Your Alumni Magazine.\n\nJERRY\nYour mother reads your mail?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you mean like post-cards?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, anything.\n\nJERRY\nShe doesn't open?\n\nGEORGE\nShe'll open!\n\nJERRY\nYou've caught your mother opening envelopes!\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nWhat did she say?\n\nGEORGE\nI was curious!\n\nJERRY\nIsn't that against the law?\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe I can get her locked up.\n\nELAINE\n(She looks closer at the mag.) Hey Jerry,\nyou're in the Alumni\n\nLetterman\" and the \"Tonight Show\" and he did a pilot for NBC\ncalled\n\n\"Jerry\"...that was not picked up. Georgie, why isn't there anything\n\nabout you in here?\n\nJERRY\nHe can't handle the truth!\n\nELAINE\nAll right.. this is too fun I gotta\nget back to work.\n\n(Elaine leaves and in the hall she meets up with Kramer, he is\nholding a set\n\nof golf clubs)\n\nKRAMER\nAh, maybe you could use this (he searches\nthrough his jacket) Ah,\n\nhere, ah, it's an electronic organizer, ah, here it is.\n\n(Elaine Gasps)\n\nKRAMER\nYeah you know, for phone numbers, addresses,\nkeep appointments,\n\neverything\n\nELAINE\nWow!\n\nKRAMER\nIt's got an alarm that beeps!\n\nELAINE\nOh! I can't believe this, Kramer! I've\nbeen wanting to get one of\n\nthese things! Are you sure...(Kramer drops a piece of paper and\n\nbends over to pick it up and drops balls everywhere) Are you\nsure you\n\ncan't use one of these things??\n\nKRAMER\nOh no. I got all my appointments up\nhere. (he points to his head)\n\nELAINE\nWhere'd you get this?\n\nKRAMER\nThe bank, I opened a new account.\n\n(Back inside Jerry's apartment)\n\nGEORGE\nDid you see that whale thing on TV last\nnight?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm such a Huge whale fan. These marine\nbiologists were showing how\n\nthey communicate with each other with these squeaks and squeals,\nwhat\n\na fish!\n\nJERRY\nIt's a mammal.\n\nGEORGE\nWhatever. (George looks to the table)\nHey new tape recorder?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, got it from the bank.\n\n(Kramer enters without his golf bag)\n\nKRAMER\n(over excited) Hey\n\nGEORGE\nHey\n\nKRAMER\n(still over excited) Who wants to have\nsome fun!\n\nJERRY\nI do.\n\nGEORGE\nI do.\n\nKRAMER\n(once again, over excited) Are you just\nsayin' you want to have fun\n\nor do you really want to have fun?!\n\nJERRY\nI really wanna have some fun.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm just sayin' I wanna have some fun.\n\nKRAMER\nRight now there six-hundred Titleists\nthat I got at the driving\n\nrange in the trunk of my car. Why don't we drive out to Rock-a-Way\n\nand hit them-----------(very over excited) into the ocean! Now\n\npicture this....we find a nice sweet spot between the dunes,\nwe take\n\nout our drivers, we tea up and (he makes a golf stroke), that\nball\n\ngoes sailing up into the sky holds there for a moment and then.......\n\n..... gulp!\n\nGEORGE\nCome on. Ya wanna go get some lunch?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, let me just stop by the cash machine\nand I'll meet you at the\n\ncoffee shop.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, I'm gonna go get a paper.\n\n(Kramer gets ready to make another swing)\n\nGEORGE\nKeep your head down.\n\n(At the automatic teller machine Jerry is getting his money and\nthere is a\n\nwoman beside him)\n\nJERRY\nCash advance...yes (he looks over) no\n(he looks over again)balance\n\ninquiry...no (he looks again) receipt....no (he looks again)\n\nprocessing...processing...processing.(He opens the box and gets\nhis\n\nmoney and then looks at the woman and says)I won!\n\n(Jerry starts to walk away)\n\nDIANE\nJerry?\n\nJERRY\nYeah\n\nDIANE\nDiane, Diane DeConn, from college. I've\nseen you on TV you're doin'\n\ngreat.\n\nJERRY\nYeah pluggin' along.\n\nDIANE\nI got the Alumni magazine. Ya know what\never happened to your friend\n\nGeorge? I never see him in there.\n\nJERRY\nWell he's kind of modest.\n\nDIANE\nHe was always such a goof-off. I mean\ndid he ever get anywhere?\n\nJERRY\nSure.\n\nDIANE\nYeah? What field?\n\nJERRY\nMarine biology.\n\nDIANE\nGeorge is a marine biologist?!\n\nJERRY\nA pretty damn good one, too!\n\nDIANE\nI can't believe it I mean I would never\nhad thought..\n\nJERRY\nYeah...he specializing in whales. He's\nworking on lowering the\n\ncholesterol level in whales...all that blubber-- quite unhealthy.\n\nYou know its the largest mammal on earth but as George says \"they\n\ndon't have to be.\"\n\n(In the coffee shop Jerry and George are sitting)\n\nGEORGE\nDiane DeConn? You saw Diane DeConn!\n\nJERRY\nSomething huh?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah! How'd she look.\n\nJERRY\nShe looked great. She asked about you.\n\nGEORGE\nShe did! What did she say?\n\nJERRY\n\"How's George?\"\n\nGEORGE\nGeorge! She said George? She remembered\nmy name. Diane DeConn\n\nremembered my name. She was the \"it\" girl!\n\nJERRY\nYeah she asked for your number, I think\nshe's gonna get in touch with\n\nyou.\n\nGEORGE\nOK, I'm tellin' you right now if your\nkiddin' around I'm not gonna\n\nbe able to be friends with you anymore. I'm serious about that.\nYou\n\ngot that.\n\nJERRY\nI got no problem with that.\n\nGEORGE\nGood. Cause if this is a lie, if this\nis a joke, if this is your\n\nidea of some cute little game...we're finished!\n\nJERRY\nExpect a call.\n\nGEORGE\nOh my god he's not kidding.\n\nJERRY\nNow I should tell you at this point\nshe's under the impression the\n\nyou are a.....\n\nGEORGE\nA what?\n\nJERRY\nA marine biologist.\n\nGEORGE\nA marine biologist....why am I a marine\nbiologist?\n\nJERRY\nI may have mentioned it.\n\nGEORGE\nBut I'm not a marine biologist!\n\nJERRY\nI'm aware of that.\n\nGEORGE\nSo?\n\nJERRY\nYou don't think it's a good job.\n\nGEORGE\nI didn't think it was a job.\n\nJERRY\nOh. It's a fascinating field!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat if she calls. What will I say?\n\n(In George's parent's house...George is sitting in a chair. He\nis talking to\n\nDiane on the phone)\n\nGEORGE\nAlgae, obviously plankton, I don't know\nwhat else I can tell you, Oh\n\nI just got back from a trip to the Galapagos Islands, I was living\n\nwith the turtles.\n\n(In the limo Elaine, Lippman, and Testikov are talkin')\n\nLIPPMAN\nWe have got you in a very nice hotel,\nI don't know how you like to\n\nwork but I can arrange for an office if you want.\n\nTESTIKOV\nI will work in hotel...much better.\nI will work away from all the\n\npenny bickering and interference.\n\nLIPPMAN\nYou know Tolstoy use to write in the\nvillage square. The faces\n\ninspired him.\n\nTESTIKOV\nHe didn't need any inspiration....God\nspoke through his pen.\n\nELAINE\nThat is so true! Although one wonders\nif \"War and Peace\" would has\n\nbeen as highly acclaimed as it was if it was published under\nit's\n\noriginal name \"War---What Is It Good For?\"\n\nLIPPMAN\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nYes. Mr. Lippman. It was his mistress\nwho insisted he called it\n\n\"War and Peace.\" \"War--What Is It Good For.\"(sang) Absolutely\n\nnothin'! (spoken to Testikov)that's the song that they got from\n\nTolstoy.\n\nLIPPMAN\nI'm sorry, it's just her sense of humor.\n\n(Elaine's organizer starts beeping)\n\nTESTIKOV\nWhat is that noise!\n\nLIPPMAN\nWhat is that?\n\nELAINE\nIt's coming from my purse. It must be\nmy new organizer, here.\n\nLIPPMAN\nElaine...here!\n\nTESTIKOV\nTurn it off.\n\nLIPPMAN\nIt's the top one!\n\nELAINE\nI'm trying!\n\nTESTIKOV\nHERE!\n\n(He throws it out the window of the limo)\n\n(On the beach Kramer is getting ready to hit a ball. He swings\nand misses.\n\nHe looks for it in the air and the notes that it is still on\nthe\n\nground. Then he goes nuts)\n\nJERRY\nI did it for you.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, but what did you have to tell\nher that for. You put me in a\n\nvery difficult position, Marine Biologist! I'm very uncomfortable\n\nwith this whole thing.\n\nJERRY\nYou know with all do respect I would\nthink it's right up your alley.\n\nGEORGE\nWell it's not up my alley! It's one\nthing if I make it up. I know\n\nwhat I'm doin, I know my alleys! You got me in the Galapagos\nIslands\n\nlivin' with the turtles, I don't know where the hell I am.\n\nJERRY\nWell you came in the other day with\nall that whale stuff, the\n\nsqueaking and the squealing.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy couldn't you have made me an architect?\nYou know I always\n\nwanted to pretend that I was an architect. Well I'm supposed\nto see\n\nher tomorrow, I'm gonna tell her what's goin on. Maybe she likes\n\nme for me.\n\n(Kramer bangs into the room with his golf clubs)\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nHey ya want these (He throws down the\ngolf clubs) I don't want em!\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nI stink! I can't play! The ball is just\nsitting there, Jerry, and\n\nI can't hit it! I only hit one really good ball that went way\nout!\n\nJERRY\nWell what happened?\n\nKRAMER\nI have no concentration!\n\n(Kramer starts to scratch his body and rip his coat off)\n\nJERRY\nWhat, what, what's wrong with you?\n\nKRAMER\nSand, I can get rid of the sand. (Looking\ndown his shirt) Look there\n\nis still some in here, it won't go away! Look I even got sand\nin the\n\npockets!\n\n(He empties his pocket and tons of sand falls out)\n\nJERRY\nHey you're getting it all over the floor!\n\n(Karma falls over as the phone rings)\n\nJERRY\n(to the phone)Hello....yeah....yes it\nis....really....oh. Can you\n\nhold on a second? (to George and Kramer) Hey listen to this,\nsome\n\nwoman found an electronic organizer, my name was in it, she wants\nme\n\nto help track down the owner.\n\nGEORGE\nHow'd she find it?\n\nJERRY\nIt hit her in the head!\n\n(Woman on the phone and Jerry are sitting in the coffee shop)\n\nCORINNE\nSo I am walkin' along, minding my own\nbusiness when all off the\n\nsudden this thing come flying out off no were and cunks me right\non\n\nthe head.\n\nJERRY\nYa.\n\nCORINNE\nYeah, So they took me to the hospital\nand they put me in this thing\n\nthat fells like a coffin for forty-five minutes. Have you ever\nbeen\n\nin one of those things? You could go berserk in there!\n\nJERRY\nWell you have insurance...\n\nCORINNE\nI wish!\n\nJERRY\nUnbelievable!\n\nCORINNE\nYeah.\n\n(Organizer beeps)\n\nJERRY\nWhat is with this thing.\n\nCORINNE\nI don't know, it never shuts up. So\nanyway, you can see why I\n\nwould be interested in finding this person.\n\nJERRY\nAbsolutely. You should not have to pay\nfor that.\n\n(Organizer beeps again)\n\nCORINNE\n(shouting at the top of her lungs)Stop\nit! Stop it!\n\nJERRY\nLet me have a look at this thing.\n\nCORINNE\nYeah know somebody told me they thought\nthey saw it coming out of\n\na limousine.\n\nJERRY\nTypical rich people, using the world\nfor their personal garbage can.\n\nCORINNE\nBoy am I lucky your name came up. I\njust pushed a button.\n\nJERRY\nI would like to know what my name is\ndoin in this creep's organizer\n\nto begin with.\n\nCORINNE\nYa.\n\nJERRY\nWho do I even know that would have been\nin a limousine yesterday\n\nanyway. OHHHH!\n\n(In the hallway Elaine knocks on Kramer's door, he answers)\n\nKRAMER\nOh, hey.\n\nELAINE\nHey, \"great\" organizer that you gave\nme.\n\n(Kramer is still itching cause the sand)\n\nKRAMER\nOh, you like it huh.\n\nELAINE\nIt wouldn't stop beeping in the car\nso Testikov through it out the\n\nwindow.\n\nKRAMER\nOh.\n\nELAINE\nI transferred everything in there. I\nthrew out my old book. I'm\n\nlost now, Kramer.\n\n(He goes crazy again)\n\nELAINE\nWhat, what is it?\n\nKRAMER\nThe sand, it's everywhere!\n\nELAINE\nOK I'll see you later.\n\n(Kramer closes the door and Jerry walks up to his door)\n\nJERRY\nOh, there you are!\n\nELAINE\nThere you are!\n\nJERRY\nSo?\n\nELAINE\nSo?\n\nJERRY\nSo what do you have to say for yourself?\n\nELAINE\nSo what do you have to say for yourself?\n\n(Jerry unlocks the door and they both walk in and close the door)\n\nJERRY\nWhy should I have anything for say for\nmyself?\n\nELAINE\n\"War-- What is it go for?\"!\n\nJERRY\nHa Ha, who told you?\n\nELAINE\nHa ha ha. Yuri Testikov, the Russian\nwriter!\n\nJERRY\nYou told Testikov that Tolstoy wanted\nto name his book \"War-- What\n\nIs IT Good For?\"?\n\nELAINE\nYa know what happened?\n\nJERRY\nCan I take a guess?\n\nELAINE\nPlease.\n\nJERRY\nOh I don't know, he threw your organizer\nout the window?\n\n(Elaine pushes Jerry)\n\nELAINE\nWhat, how did you know that?\n\nJERRY\nBecause I know who has it.\n\nELAINE\nWhat, how did you find it?\n\nJERRY\nBecause the woman who got hit in the\nhead with it found my name in\n\nit, called me up, and we met!\n\nELAINE\nWell where is it, give it to me!\n\nJERRY\nI don't have it!\n\nELAINE\nWhy not.\n\nJERRY\nBecause she's not returning it until\nshe gets the money back for the\n\nhospital bill.\n\nELAINE\nBut I didn't do Testikov did it, he\nshould have to pay for it!\n\nJERRY\nHow much is Testikov getting from Pendman\nfor this book?\n\nELAINE\nOne million.\n\nJERRY\nWell that's a start.\n\n(George and Diane are walking on the beach)\n\nGEORGE\nThen of course with evolution the octopus\nlost the nostrils and took\n\non the more familiar look that we know today. But if you look\n\nreally closely you can still see a bump where the nose use to\nbe.\n\nDIANE\nReally?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, but enough about fish I can talk\nabout other things like...\n\narchitecture...\n\n(At the hotel that Testikov is staying at)\n\nJERRY\nYou know what room Testikov's in?\n\nELAINE\nYa, 308. I'm crazy for doing this!\n\nJERRY\nWell, you want to get your organizer\nback don't you?\n\nELAINE\nWhy are you so interested, you want\nto take her out?\n\nJERRY\nYou know when Super Man saves someone\nno one asks if he's trying to\n\nhit on her!\n\nELAINE\nWell you're not Super Man.\n\nJERRY\nWell you're not Louis Lane.\n\nELAINE\nOh. Listen, you have the tape-recorder.\n\nJERRY\nYa, are you sure you want to do this.\n\nELAINE\nYa I got to get Testikov on tape. If\nthis woman ends up in the\n\n\"New England Journal Of Medicine\" I'm not going to pay for it.\n\nJERRY\nAh, here she comes.\n\n(Corinne enters through the hotel door)\n\nJERRY\nHi, Elaine, this is Corinne.\n\nELAINE\nHi, you got the organizer?\n\n(The organizer starts to beep as Corinne opens her coat to show\nthe organizer in her inside coat pocket)\n\nJERRY\nAll right lets go. We'll meet you back\nhere in ten minutes hopefully\n\nwith the money.\n\n(At the beach George and Diane are still walking)\n\nDIANE\nYour parents must be so proud of you,\nGeorge.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, they're busting!\n\n(there is a large crowd of men and women)\n\nDIANE\nWhat are those people doing over there?\n\n(In Testikov's hotel room there is a knock and he goes to answer\nit. He\n\nopens it up and it is Jerry and Elaine)\n\nTESTIKOV\n(In a loud and cranky voice) What, What\nis it! Oh! Come in. That\n\nis if you can spare a minute from your busy schedule! And you\nbring\n\nguest for my entertainment?\n\nELAINE\nUm, yes this is my friend Jerry. He\naccompanied me, ya know, single\n\nwoman alone in a big city could be dangerous.\n\nJERRY\nYes. That's why I where these sneakers,\nin case of any trouble and\n\nzip, I'm gone.\n\nTESTIKOV\nYeah, Yeah. The sneakers. The Americans\nand their sneakers.\n\nAlways running from something. Well, sit stop running, two minutes\n\nand I'll give you the latest manuscript!\n\n(They both sit down and Jerry picks out a very large book from\nthe coffee\n\ntable)\n\nJERRY\nOh! Ramscy(?), great great book if I\nmy say so sir. I almost read the\n\nwhole thing.\n\n(Corinne is standing in the hotel lobby smoking while the organizer\nis still\n\nbeeping)\n\nCORINNE\nWhat!\n\nHOTEL CLERK\nIf you can't thing off I'm going to\nhave to ask you to leave.\n\nCORINNE\nI'm waitin for two people!\n\nHOTEL CLERK\nWell you can wait for them outside.\n\nCORINNE\nYeah I guess I'd better. Wouldn't want\nto take any attention away\n\nfrom the hookers!\n\nHOTEL CLERK\nAll right, All right. Out, Out.\n\nCORINNE\nWhat ever you say Cro..w-well!\n\n(On the beach George and Diane are standing with the crowd)\n\nDIANE\nWhat's going on over here?\n\nWOMAN AT BEACH\nThere is a beached whale, she's dying.\n\nVOICE\nIs anyone here a marine biologist?\n\n(In Testikov's room)\n\nTESTIKOV\nHere is the latest draft. I see you\nnext week. Same time, same\n\nplace. On time please.\n\nJERRY\nIt was nice meeting you, real pleasure!\n\nELAINE\nOh, by the way Mr. Testikov do you remember\nthe other day when we\n\nwere in the limo and my organizer started beeping and you threw\nit\n\nout the window?\n\nTESTIKOV\nHow could I forget?\n\nELAINE\nWell would you believe that it hit actually\nsomebody in the head.\n\nJERRY\nRight in the head!\n\nELAINE\nBoing!\n\n(The tape-recorder in Elaine's purse starts to squeak)\n\nTESTIKOV\n(Shouting)What is that noise!\n\nELAINE\nUm,nothing.\n\nTESTIKOV\nWhat is the noise!\n\n(He grabs the purse)\n\nELAINE\nHey that's my purse!\n\n(He pulls out the recorder)\n\nTESTIKOV\nA recorder!\n\nELAINE\nNo that's a radio..\n\nTESTIKOV\nYou were spying on me!\n\nELAINE\nNo I wasn't.\n\n(He throws the recorder out of the hotel window)\n\n(Corinne is standing outside of the hotel and looks up to see\nthe\n\ntape-recorder falling to hit her in the head)\n\n(Kramer is standing at his window knocking his boot on the windowsill\ntrying\n\nto get the sand out but he drops it)\n\n(Newman is walking down the street whistling but he stops and\nlooks up and he\n\nyells as the boat hits him in the head)\n\n(At the beach everyone is yelling at George)\n\nCROWD\nCome on! Save the whale! Hurry up it's\ngonna die!\n\nDIANE\nSave the whale George... for me.\n\n(He turns and throws his hat down. He walks into the ocean)\n\n(At the coffee shop Jerry and Kramer are awaiting the story)\n\nGEORGE\nSo I started to walk into the water.\nI won't lie to you boys, I\n\nwas terrified! But I pressed on and as I made my way passed the\n\nbreakers a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was\ndivine\n\nintervention or the kinship of all living things but I tell you\nJerry\n\nat that moment I was a marine biologist!\n\n(Elaine enters and sits down)\n\nELAINE\nGeorge I was just reading this thing\nin the papers, it's amazing!\n\nGEORGE\nI know I was just telling them the story.\n\nKRAMER\nCome on George, finish the story.\n\nGEORGE\nThe sea was angry that day my friends,\nlike an old man trying to\n\nreturn soup at a deli!\n\n(Jerry gives Kramer a \"what the h-\" glance)\n\nGEORGE\nI got about fifty-feet out and then\nsuddenly the great beast\n\nappeared before me. I tell ya he was ten stories high if he was\na\n\nfoot. As if sensing my presence he gave out a big bellow. I said,\n\n\"Easy big fella!\" And then as I watched him struggling I realized\n\nsomething was obstructing his breathing. From where I was standing\n\nI could see directly into the eye of the great fish!\n\nJERRY\nMammal.\n\nGEORGE\nWhatever.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, what did you do next?\n\nGEORGE\nThen from out of nowhere a huge title\nwave lifted, tossed like a cork and\nI found myself on top of him face to\nface with the blow-hole. I could barely\nsee from all of the waves crashing down\non top of me but I knew something was\nthere so I reached my hand and pulled\nout the obstruction!\n\n(George pulls out of the inside pocket a golf ball)\n\n(Jerry and George just stare at Kramer)\n\nKRAMER\nWhat is that a Titleist? A hole in one\neh.\n\nJERRY\nWell the crowd most have gone wild!\n\nGEORGE\nOh yes they did Jerry they were all\nover me. It was like Rocky 1.\n\nDiane came up to me, threw her arms around me, and kissed me.\nWe\n\nboth had tears streaming down our faces. I never saw anyone so\n\nbeautiful. It was at that moment I decided to tell her I was\nnot a\n\nmarine biologist!\n\nJERRY\nWow! What'd she say?\n\nGEORGE\nShe told me to \"Go to hell!\" and I took\nthe bus home.\n\nJERRY\nAll right lets go.\n\nELAINE\nAre you in a bad mood?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I just got my laundry back.\n\nELAINE\nOhhh! GoldenBoy?\n\nJERRY\nHe didn't make it.\n\nELAINE\nI'm sorry.\n\nJERRY\nThis is GoldenBoy's son, BabyBlue.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat's with you?\n\nGEORGE\nSand. It's everywhere\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Pie.html",
    "text": "THE PIE\n\nWritten by\n\nTom Gammill & Max Pross\n\n(Monk's coffee shop, evening)\n\n(Jerry and his date, Audrey, are sitting at a booth having dinner)\n\nAUDREY\nHum! That was really good!\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Are you full?\n\nAUDREY\nOh no, I've had just enough.\n\n(Waitress brings dessert)\n\nJERRY\nHere we go... apple pie! Best apple\npie in the city. (Jerry starts eating)\nDelicious. I'm not waiting for you.\nTake some.\n\nAUDREY\nNo thanks.\n\nJERRY\nYou're not gonna have any?\n\nAUDREY\nNo (with a disgusted face)\n\nJERRY\nDo you not like apple pie?\n\nAUDREY\nNo, it's not that.\n\nJERRY\nWell, at least taste it.\n\nAUDREY\nNo (a resolute \"no\")\n\nJERRY\nYou won't even taste it?\n\nAUDREY\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nCome on, try it! (Audrey shakes her\nhead doing \"no\") A little taste! (still\nshaking) Come on! (still shaking)\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's appartment, the next day)\n\n(Jerry and George)\n\nGEORGE\nDid she say why?\n\nJERRY\nNo. She wouldn't say anything. She just\nkept shaking her head like this (Imitating\nAudrey)\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe she's diabetic.\n\nJERRY\nNo. She carries Entemanns doughnuts\nin her purse.\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe you said something that offended\nher.\n\nJERRY\nThe only thing I can think of is I told\nher we should have those moving walkways\nall over the city.\n\nGEORGE\nLike at the airport? (getting excited)\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's a great idea!!!\n\nJERRY\nTell me about it!\n\nGEORGE\nWe could be zipping all over the place.\n\nJERRY\nThey could at least try it.\n\nGEORGE\nThey never try anything.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's the harm?\n\nGEORGE\nNo harm!\n\n(Elaine enters)\n\nJERRY\n(still talking to George) I'm sorry.\nThere's no reason for her not to taste\nthat pie.\n\nELAINE\nWho wouldn't taste a pie?\n\nJERRY\nAudrey.\n\nELAINE\nDump her.\n\nJERRY\nBoy, I never broke up with anyone for\nnot tasting pie???\n\nELAINE\n(piffling) I once broke up with someone\nfor not offering me pie.\n\nJERRY\nYou did?\n\nELAINE\nHe could be eating a Hero, he wouldn't\noffer me anything. It's a sickness.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I can't walk anywhere now. I just\ngonna be wishing there were walkways.\n(seeing Elaine removing her shoe) What\nare you doing?\n\nELAINE\nI got a pebble.\n\nJERRY\nBoy, I never heard of that happening\nto a woman?\n\nELAINE\nWhat the hell does that mean?\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nHey! Elaine. Go Like this. (imitating\na mannequin posture)\n\nELAINE\nWhat? Why?\n\nKRAMER\nDo it. Do it. This.\n\nELAINE\nLike... (doing it) Like this?\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah! It's you!\n\nELAINE\nWhat's me?\n\nKRAMER\n(to the gang) There's a clothing store\ndowntown. They got a mannequin in there\nthat looks exactly like Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nGet out!\n\nKRAMER\nIt's uncanny! It's like they chopped\noff your arms and legs, dipped you in\nplastic, and screwed you back all together,\nand stuck you on a pedestal. It's really\nquite exquisite.\n\nGEORGE\nKramer, what's the name of the store\nwith the mannequin?\n\nKRAMER\nRinitze. (he takes Jerry's spatula and\nstarts rubbing his back with it) Oh\nyeah...\n\nJERRY\n(to Kramer) Uh... may I help you? (wondering\nwhat the hell's Kramer doing)\n\nKRAMER\nIt's this itch. I was watching TV without\nmy shirt on, and one my couch cushion\ndidn't have any fabric on it.\n\nGEORGE\nWait a minute, Rinitze? Don't they have\nsomme really cool suits in there?\n\nKRAMER\nReal Boss!\n\nELAINE\nI'm going down there.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm gonna go with you. I gotta get a\nnew suit. I got a second interview with\nMacKenzie, and I think I'm really close.\nThey're all taking me out to lunch on\nFriday.\n\nELAINE\n(grabbing George by the arm, hurried\nto leave) Let's go.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. All right. (They both leave)\n\nKRAMER\n(leaving too, with the spatula) Are\nyou gonna need this?\n\nJERRY\nKeep it. (implied: please)\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Rinitze)\n\n(George and Elaine stares at the mannequin)\n\nELAINE\nIt looks exactly like me.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's like some pod landed from another\nplanet and took your body. Don't fall\nasleep Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nWhat's going on here? How do you think\nthis happened?\n\nGEORGE\nWhoa, look at this. This is a beautiful\nsuit. Huh?\n\nELAINE\nYou think that could be a coincidence\nGeorge? Is that possible?\n\n(the saleswoman approaches George as he's trying the suit)\n\nSALESWOMAN\n(european accent) You are perfect for\nthat suit.\n\nGEORGE\nYou think so?\n\nELAINE\n(to the saleswoman) Excuse me. Where\ndid this come from?\n\nSALESWOMAN\nI don't know.\n\nGEORGE\nYou really think this looks O.K. on\nme?\n\nSALESWOMAN\nFabulous. Perfect fit. And it's the\nlast one we have.\n\nELAINE\nI'm sorry. You can't tell me where the\nmannequin came from?\n\nSALESWOMAN\nI told you, I don't know.\n\nELAINE\n(irritated, but still polite) Well,\nis there somebody around here I could\ntalk to who would know?\n\nSALESWOMAN\nWhy?\n\nELAINE\nIsn't it obvious? This mannequin looks\nexactly like me.\n\n(saleswoman rolls her eyes at George about Elaine)\n\nELAINE\n(upset) Did you just roll your eyes\nat him? Because let me tell you something,\nif anobody should be rolling their eyes,\nit is me at him about you.\n\nSALESWOMAN\nI think maybe you're flattering yourself.\nThat mannquein is wearing a 1200$ Gaultier\ndress.\n\n(George is looking at himself in the mirror and doesn't care\nabout their dispute)\n\nELAINE\nWhat are you saying, that I'm not good\nenough for this hideous dress? (looking\nat her name tag) Listen Natasha... I\nwouldn't be caught dead wearing your\ncrummy little euro-trash rags. (to George)\nI'll meet you outside.\n\n(Elaine leaves and waits outside)\n\nSALESWOMAN\nWhat is her problem?\n\nGEORGE\nPfft! What can you do? (looking at a\ntag on the suit) Is this the price tag?\n\nSALESWOMAN\nYes.\n\nGEORGE\nYes, hello. Party's over. (taking off\nthe suit)\n\nSALESWOMAN\nI'll tell you a little secret. We're\nhaving an unadvertised sale starting\nFriday, that suit will be half-price.\n\nGEORGE\nSo you think you can put the suit aside\nand hold it for me?\n\nSALESWOMAN\nOh, I'm afraid I could't do that. It\nwouldn't be fair to the other customers.\n\nGEORGE\nOh yes, of course, and we have to be\nfair. (placing the suit further away\nin the rack)\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Monk's)\n\n(Jerry, Elaine and Kramer at a booth)\n\nELAINE\nSo, I found out who supplies the mannequins\nand I called 'em up.\n\nKRAMER\nHow did they get your face?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know. They wouldn't tell me.\n(Jerry is not listening, he's looking\nat two women sitting in the other booth)\nJerry? Je... Hello?\n\nJERRY\n(Jerry gets up and walk to these persons)\nUh... Excuse me. I couldn't help but\nnotice you offered her a piece of your\npie.\n\nWOMAN 1\nThat's right.\n\nJERRY\nAnd you waved it away.\n\nWOMAN 2\nRight.\n\nJERRY\nDid you give her a reason?\n\nWOMAN 2\nYes, I was full.\n\nJERRY\nYou were full. So you gave a reason.\nYou didn't just shake your head.\n\nWOMAN 2\nNo, I'm not a psycho.\n\nJERRY\nExactly. You're not a psycho. You've\nbeen very helpful. Thank you very much.\nAllow me to leave the tip. (sits back\nwith Elaine and Kramer) Well, I think\nwe proven who the psycho is.\n\nELAINE\nWe certainly have.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Elaine scratch my back.\n\nELAINE\nNo way!\n\nKRAMER\nCome on, one lap around.\n\nELAINE\nNo.\n\nKRAMER\nIt will be a funky adventure.\n\nELAINE\nKramer, forget it.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, how about you?\n\nJERRY\nI think you know my policy.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm going home to spatula. (picks up\nthe check and walks to the cashier)\n\nELAINE\nI thought George was meeting us here?\n\nJERRY\nNo he's going downtown to guard the\nsuit.\n\nELAINE\nHe's guarding a suit?\n\nOLIVE\n(to Kramer) Do you need some help with\nthat itch?\n\nKRAMER\nMadam, I pray you're not toying with\nme. (Olive shows her long finger nails)\nWhoa.\n\nOLIVE\nTurn around.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, all right. (Olive scratches, Kramer\nenjoys, Elaine and Jerry watch.)\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Rinitze)\n\nSALESWOMAN\n(makes a guy trying the suit. His name\nis not mentionned but it seems to be\nBob as it appears in the credits at\nthe end of the episode.) It fits you\nperfectly.\n\nBOB\nYou think so? (she nods and walks away)\n\nGEORGE\n(outside, looking the guy trying the\nsuit through the window, and thinking\nout loud) What's this? Can't I leave\nthis place for a second? (goes in, take\noff his jacket, walks to the guy and\ntalks to him with an european accent)\nCan I help you?\n\nBOB\nI'm buying the suit.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no, no, this suit is not for sale.\n(tries to take off the suit from the\nguy)\n\nBOB\nExcuse me, do you work here?\n\nGEORGE\n(leaving the european accent) No.\n\nBOB\nThen what the hell business is it of\nyours?\n\nGEORGE\nLook, I'm doing you a favor. They're\nhaving an unadvertised sale. This suit\nis gonna be half-priced starting ...\nMonday.\n\nBOB\nReally? This Monday?\n\nGEORGE\nYes. Now take off those pants.\n\nSALESWOMAN\nActually, the unadvertised sale starts\non Friday.\n\nBOB\nFriday? Thanks. (Gives a dirty look\nat George and leaves)\n\nGEORGE\n(to the saleswoman) You know honey for\nan unadvertised sale, you're doing a\nlot of yapping about it.\n\n(she starts undressing mannequin Elaine, and George acts like\nhe's really seeing Elaine naked)\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Poppie's restaurant)\n\n(Jerry and Audrey are sitting at a table, and Jerry looks at\nthe menu)\n\nJERRY\nI can't beleive your father owns this\nplace. So how are the desserts here?\n\nAUDREY\nEverything is delicious.\n\nJERRY\nYou've tasted them?\n\nAUDREY\nUm-hmm, I think almost all of them.\n\nJERRY\nOh I see they have apple pie.\n\nAUDREY\nMmm-hmm.\n\nJERRY\nYou've had the apple pie?\n\nAUDREY\nMany times.\n\nJERRY\nAudrey, I got to be honest with you.\nI'm a very curious guy. It's my nature.\nI need to know things. Not tasting the\napple pie the other day, I can't get\npast it. You obviously like pies. You\ncarry doughnuts in your bag, you're\nnot averse to pastry. Surely you could\nsee how such a thing would prey on my\nmind.\n\nAUDREY\nCan we drop this?\n\nJERRY\n(like a frustrated child) Why can't\nI know?\n\n(Poppie comes to the table)\n\nAUDREY\nAh! Poppie.\n\nPOPPIE\nSweetheart, hello.\n\nAUDREY\nPoppie, this is Jerry.\n\nPOPPIE\nWelcome (shakes Jerry's hand)\n\nJERRY\nHello Poppie.\n\nPOPPIE\nDon't fill up on the bread. I'm making\nyou a very special dinner. Very special.\n(he leaves)\n\nJERRY\nThe pies. I'm going to the bathroom.\nYou know. (he leaves)\n\n(Jerry and Poppie in the bathroom. Jerry washes his hands while\nPoppie flushes and gets out of the stall)\n\nPOPPIE\nAh, Jerry! Tonight you in for a real\ntreat. I'm personnaly going to prepare\nthe dinner for you and my Audrey.\n\n(He zips up and leaves whitout washing his hands. Jerry notices\nit)\n\n(back at the table with Audrey, Jerry can see Poppie in the kitchen\nwith his hands in the dough, making dinner)\n\nAUDREY\nJerry are you OK?\n\nJERRY\nHuh?\n\nAUDREY\nIs anything wrong?\n\nJERRY\nNo, Nothing.\n\nAUDREY\nYou look like you've seen a ghost.\n\n(Jerry can't talk and he's staring at Poppie's hands. Poppie\nsmiles and winks at him)\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Monk's)\n\nOLIVE\n(to another cashier) I'll see you tomorrow.\n\n(Kramer enters with flowers)\n\nKRAMER\nHey. These are for you Olive.\n\nOLIVE\nThank you.\n\n(They leave and she starts scratching Kramer's back)\n\nKRAMER\nOhh!\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Poppie's)\n\n(Poppie serves dinner)\n\nPOPPIE\nHere it is.\n\nAUDREY\nWait till you taste this. (she eats)\nPoppie, this is perfect.\n\nPOPPIE\n(to Jerry) Well?\n\nAUDREY\nJerry have some.\n\n(Jerry shakes his head doing \"no\")\n\nAUDREY\nYou're not gonna taste it?\n\n(still shaking)\n\nAUDREY\nJerry.\n\n(still shaking)\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's appartment)\n\n(Jerry and George eat cereals sitting on the couch)\n\nJERRY\nSo she tought I did it to get back at\nher\n\nGEORGE\nWhy didn't you just tell her?\n\nJERRY\nI don't think that's the kind of thing\nyou wanna hear about your father. But\nI'll tell you when he came out of that\nbathroom and he was kneading that dough,\nit was a wild scene.\n\nGEORGE\nHow could he not have washed?\n\nJERRY\nEven if you're not gonna soap up, at\nleast pretend for my benefit. Turn the\nwater on, do something.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, just like I do.\n\nJERRY\nYou know a chef who doesn't wash is\nlike a cop who steals. It's a cry for\nhelp, he wants to get caught.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I think Poppie's got some problems.\nThere's a whole other thing going on\nwith Poppie. So how did you leave ti?\n\nJERRY\nWe haven't spoken.\n\n(Kramer enters holding the spatula)\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I'm not gonna need this anymore.\nI got Olive. (Jerry throws out the spatula)\n\nGEORGE\nOlive?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. My lady friend down at Monks.\nYou guys ought to see the way she works\nher nails across my back. Ohh! She's\na maestro. The crisscross. The figure\neight, strummin' the ol' banjo, and\nthis wild, savage free-for-all where\nanything can happen.\n\nGEORGE\nI got to get downtown and buy that suit.\nThe store opens in twenty minutes.\n\nKRAMER\nIs that Elaine mannequin still there?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. The last time I saw her, she was\nnaked.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, and Poppie's got problems...\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Rinitze)\n\n(The saleswoman unlock the door's entrance where Bob is waiting.\nHe rushes inside and George enters after him slowly and confident.\nBob can't find the suit on the rack. George walks to a different\nrack.)\n\nBOB\nWhere is it? Where is it?\n\nGEORGE\n(George takes out the suit from the\nother rack) Well, look at this. (innocently)\nThis doesn't belong here! Someone has\nmade a terrible mistake.\n\nBOB\nYou bastard! You hid the suit.\n\nGEORGE\nHid? I have no idea how this suit got\nmisplaced. Nevertheless, I do believe\nI shall purchase it.\n\nBOB\nI hope you rot in that suit. I'm gonna\nget you for this. I don't know how,\nbut I'm gonna get you. You are going\nto pay!\n\nGEORGE\nOh, I'll pay. Half-price. Arrivederci\nmy fellow 40-short.\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Monks)\n\n(Jerry and Elaine at a booth)\n\nELAINE\nSo I made a little list of people who\nmight've made the mannequin. You know,\npossible suspects.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, all right. Go ahead. (not very\ninterested)\n\nELAINE\nThere's this blind guy at a party I\nwas at, and he felt my face for a really\nlong time. You know, to see what I looked\nlike. He almost put his finger up my\nnose.\n\nJERRY\nHum... ok, what else you got?\n\nELAINE\nOK, I'm not gonna tell you the rest\nof the list.\n\nJERRY\nOh, because I didn't think the blind\nguy did it?\n\nELAINE\nBecause you have an attitude.\n\n(George enters wearing his new suit, parading and snapping his\nfingers)\n\nJERRY AND ELAINE\nOh!\n\nJERRY\nGeorgio! Nice duds!\n\nGEORGE\nYou're telling me. (he walks around\nand the suit makes a swooshing sound)\nSo, what do you think?\n\nJERRY\nDid you hear something?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, like a swoosh.\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nIt must be the fabric. It's rubbing\nbetween you thighs when you walk. That's\nwhat's making that swooshy sound.\n\n(George walks back and forth to verify and it swooshes again)\n\nGEORGE\nI probably didn't hear it on the way\nover because of the street noise. (he\npanics) This is no good! I got to meet\nthese guys from MacKenzie for lunch\nin half an hour!\n\nJERRY\nSo what? What would they care?\n\nGEORGE\nThis MacKenzie, he's a bit of a nut.\nSomeone told me he fired the last guy\nbecause his nose whistled when he breathed.\n\nJERRY\nSo you think you're not gonna get the\njob because your pants make a noise?\n\nGEORGE\nLet's say it comes down to me and one\nother guy. He's got a nice quiet suit,\nand I'm whooshing all over the place!\nWho do you think he's gonna hire?\n\nJERRY\nYou know, I think all these interviews\nare making you nuts.\n\n(Kramer comes back from the bathroom)\n\nKRAMER\nHey Jerry, I saw your girlfriend was\nin here before.\n\nJERRY\nAudrey?\n\nKRAMER\nYep. Sat down, had herself a piece of\npie.\n\nJERRY\nWas it apple?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat else?\n\nJERRY\nThis woman is bending my mind into a\npretzel!\n\n(a stranger stops and looks at Elaine)\n\nSTRANGER\nDo I know you?\n\nELAINE\nHmm... No you don't.\n\nSTRANGER\nYeah! You were wearing a G-string and\none of those bras with points.\n\nELAINE\nThe mannequin!\n\nJERRY\nOh, I got to see this thing.\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Rinitze)\n\n(Jerry and Elaine enter and see the mannequin getting spanked\nby another mannequin)\n\nJERRY\nBoy, the resemblance is uncanny.\n\n(Elaine goes to the saleswoman)\n\nELAINE\nYou think you can pose me however you\nwant? That's my ass in your window!\n\nSALESWOMAN\nIt's our store and our mannequin, we\ncan do whatever we want with it.\n\nELAINE\nNo! You take down that mannequin right\nnow, or I'm pressing charges. (Jerry\ngoes along) Yes, this is my attorney.\n\nSALESWOMAN\n(to Jerry) Yeah? What law am I breaking?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I believe there's some legal precedent\n- Winchell vs. Mahoney,\n\nELAINE\nUh-huh\n\nJERRY\nThe Charlie Macarthy hearings.\n\nELAINE\nUh-huh. Are you taking this down?\n\nSALESWOMAN\nI'm getting the manager. (she leaves)\n\nELAINE\nJerry get the car. (she's getting the\nmannequin)\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you doing?\n\nELAINE\nJust get the car!\n\nJERRY\nElaine, as your legal counsel I must\nadvise against this.\n\n(They get out with the mannequin)\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's car)\n\n(Jerry and Elaine are sitting in the car with the mannequin between\nthem. Jerry looks at the two Elaines beside him.)\n\nJERRY\nI don't know about you, but I'm getting\na hankering for some doublemint gum.\nI'm dropping you off at work, right?\n\nELAINE\nWhere are you going?\n\nJERRY\nPoppie's\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(a restaurant)\n\n(George with MacKenzie and two other businessmen are walking\nto a table)\n\nMACKENZIE\nThanks for meeting me down here George.\nMy office is out of control, (George's\npants are making noise) phones ringing,\npeople running in and out. (MacKenzie\nstops talking and walking, George too)\nDid you hear something?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I didn't hear anything.\n\nMACKENZIE\nHuh, that's strange. (they start walking\nagain) It's quieter here. We can concentrate\nwithout people wooshing around... (he\nstops again, George too) That sound\nagain. Sure you didn't hear anything?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, can't say as I did.\n\nMACKENZIE\nKind of like a... rustling.\n\nGEORGE\nCould be the leaves...\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Poppie's)\n\n(Audrey talks to a client on the phone)\n\nAUDREY\nThat's right. Poppie's on 77th. Ok we'll\nsee you at 8:00. Bye-bye.\n\nJERRY\nHello.\n\nAUDREY\nWhat are you doing here?\n\nJERRY\nSo how was the pie?\n\nAUDREY\nWhat pie?\n\nJERRY\nThe apple pie you had today at Monks\n\nAUDREY\nI'm very busy here.\n\nJERRY\nPretty good, wasn'it? I told you you\nshould've tasted it.\n\nAUDREY\nYou better not let Poppie see you here.\n\n(a man in a coat, a Health Inspector, comes to Audrey)\n\nHEALTH INSPECTOR\nAll right, I'm looking for someone named\nPoppie.\n\nAUDREY\nUh, who are you?\n\nHEALTH INSPECTOR\nBoard of health, we've had several complaints.\n\nJERRY\nOh, about the... uh (Jerry pretend to\nwash his hands)\n\nHEALTH INSPECTOR\nAre you Poppie?\n\nPOPPIE\nI'm Poppie.\n\nHEALTH INSPECTOR\nI think you'd better come with me.\n\nPOPPIE\nWhat's the problem?\n\n(Poppie leaves with the Health Inspector)\n\nAUDREY\nWhat do they want from Poppie?\n\nJERRY\nWell, Poppie's a little sloppy.\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(at the restaurant with MacKenzie)\n\n(everybody's laughing at the table)\n\nMACKENZIE\nYou taught I'd care about your pants\nwooshing?\n\nGEORGE\nI heard the last guy got fired because\nhis nose whislted.\n\nMACKENZIE\nNo, no, no. He got fired because he\nwasn't a team player. That's something\nwe don't joke about at MacKenzie. You'll\nfind we're team here George. We don't\ntolerate dissent. If you want to go\nyour own way, you're in the wrong place.\n\nGEORGE\nNo problem there. Conformity is an obsession\nwith me.\n\n(The waiter brings dessert)\n\nWAITER\nChocolate cream pie. Compliments of\nthe house.\n\nMACKENZIE\nOh! Hope you saved room for dessert.\n\nWAITER\n(to George) The chef said that he made\nit special for you.\n\nGEORGE\nOh... (George looks around and sees\nthe chef hiding behind a plant: it's\nBob!)\n\nMACKENZIE\nMmm.. Best pie I've ever tasted. Take\na bite George. (George shakes his head\ndoing \"no\") Well, take a bite. It's\ndelicious. (still shaking) I insist.\n(still shaking)\n\nBUSINESSMAN\nIf you're one of us, you'll take a bite.\n\n(still shaking)\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(Monk's)\n\n(evening, George, Jerry and Kramer at a booth, Olive at the cash)\n\nJERRY\nSo you didn't get the job.\n\nGEORGE\nNo. But I was the only one at the table\nthat didn't get violently ill.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, you can't keep avoiding her\nlike this, you're gonna have to say\nsomething.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat am I supposed to say?\n\nJERRY\nTell her you lost your itch.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat happened to your itch?\n\nKRAMER\nI lost it two days ago. I've been faking\nit so I wouldn't hurt her feelings.\n\nJERRY\nWell you should tell her.\n\nKRAMER\nI'll let her down easy. All right. (he\ngets up and walks to Olive) Well, hi\nOlive. (she reaches for Kramer's back)\nNo, no. No more of that. There's something\nI have to tell you.\n\nOLIVE\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, well, there's someone else.\n\nOLIVE\nSomeone else?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah, yeah...\n\nOLIVE\nWho is she?\n\nKRAMER\nHer. (he points to the Elaine mannequin\nin Jerry's car)\n\nOLIVE\nher?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, there she is. That's my gal.\n\nOLIVE\nYou're a liar. I've seen her in here\nbefore. She's not your girlfriend.\n\nKRAMER\nNow Olive, look, I'm sorry.\n\nOLIVE\nWhy is she wearing her underwear?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, it's a style. (turns back to Jerry)\nJerry give me the keys. (Jerry throws\nhis keys to Kramer) Well, I guess we're\ngonna go for a drive now. She really\nloves that.\n\n(Kramer gets into Jerry's car and starts making out with the\nmannequin while Olive is looking through the window. But it doesn't\nwork quite as good as Kramer was hoping cause the mannequin's\nhand fall out from the arm!)\n\n(Commercials cut the scene but we assume Kramer left with Jerry's\ncar and the mannequin. Jerry and George are still at the table,\neating dessert)\n\nGEORGE\nDid you ever solve the riddle of the\npie?\n\nJERRY\nNo. That's one for the ages. But I think\nthey're gonna put Poppie away for a\nlong long time.\n\n(Elaine enters and sit with Jerry and George. Olive is looking\nat her, confused.)\n\nELAINE\nYou guys are not gonna believe this.\nI just got a letter from a friend of\nmine in Chicago who's shopping, and\nshe said she saw a mannequin that looked\njust like me. What if there're more.\nWhere are they coming from?\n\n(scene ends)\n\n(The building where Ricky works. Ricky's the guy in \"The Cigar\nStore Indian\" who made a bouquet for Elaine from Frank's TV guide.)\n\nRICKY'S BOSS\nRicky, we've been getting a tremendous\nresponse to your TR-6 mannequin.\n\nRICKY\nTR-6? I prefer to think of her as...\nElaine.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Stand-In.html",
    "text": "THE STAND-IN\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David\n\n(Comedy Club)\n\nJERRY\nThe bus is the single stupidest, fattest,\nslowest, most despised vehicle on the\nroad. Isn't it? You ever notice when\nyou get behind the bus, people in your\ncar go 'what are you doing? get away,\ncome on.' The back of the bus is like\nan eclipse isn't it? people are just\nlike 'the sun, where's the sun?' It's\nlike this huge metal ass taking up the\nwhole wind shield of your car. When\nit pulls out it even sounds like a fat\nuncle trying to get out of a sofa. (acts\nlike he is trying to get out of a car\nand makes the sound of a bus/guy starting\nto get going)\n\n(Jerry and George on a Bus)\n\nGEORGE\nIt's just not good, it's not good.\n\nJERRY\nIt's not good.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm bored. She's boring, I'm boring,\nwe're both boring. We got out to eat,\nwe both read newspapers.\n\nJERRY\nWell at breakfast everybody reads.\n\nGEORGE\nNo. Lunch we read, dinner we read.\n\nJERRY\nYou read during lunch?\n\nGEORGE\nYa\n\nJERRY\nOh, well.\n\nGEORGE\nThere's nothing to talk about.\n\nJERRY\nYa, what's there to talk about.\n\nGEORGE\nWell at least you and I are talking\nabout how there's nothing to talk about.\n\nJERRY\nWhy don't you talk to her about how\nthere's nothing to talk about?\n\nGEORGE\nShe knows there is nothing to talk about.\n\nJERRY\nAt least you'll be talking.\n\nGEORGE\nOh shut up.\n\n(Al comes onto the bus)\n\nAL\nHey, look who's here.\n\nJERRY\nHey, Al.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, Al. How's it going?\n\nAL\n(extremely happy) Deeply in love. We\nhave soo many things to talk about.\nSometimes we'll talk all night, till\nthe sun comes up (pauses in his happiness;\nto George) so how about you?\n\nGEORGE\nOh I'm seeing someone, yes. You know\nher, Daphne Bower.\n\nAL\nGreat girl.\n\nGEORGE\nWe have no need to speak. We communicate\nwith deep soulful looks.\n\nJERRY\nLike Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower.\n\nAL\n(to Jerry) Oh did you hear about Fulton?\n\nJERRY\nYa.\n\nAL\nI went by the hospital to see him a\nfew days ago (looking at Jerry) think\nhe'd really like you to come visit.\n\nJERRY\nMe?\n\nAL\nYa, he said he could use a good laugh.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about me?\n\nAL\n(to George) He didn't mention you. (Looks\ntoward the front of the bus) This is\nmy stop. Uh see ya.\n\nGEORGE\nYa\n\nJERRY\nYa, see ya.\n\n(Al leaves)\n\nGEORGE\nDeeply in love. If you can't say anything\nbad about a relationship, you shouldn't\nsay anything at all.\n\nJERRY\n(points to George) Ya.\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Jerry and George enter the apartment)\n\nGEORGE\nI didn't even know Fulton was in the\nhospital.\n\nJERRY\nCould use a good laugh. You know what\nkind of pressure that is? Come on, come\nwith me.\n\nGEORGE\nNa no, I'm not good in these situations.\nI can't hide my pity. I..I make em feel\nworse.\n\nJERRY\nOh, stop it.\n\nGEORGE\nYa and also I'm afraid that people in\nthat state are finally going to tell\nme what they really think of me. You\nknow they got nothing to lose what do\nthey care?\n\nJERRY\nSo you're not gonna come?\n\nGEORGE\nNo but say hello for me.\n\n(Kramer and Mickey enter)\n\nKRAMER\nHey!\n\nJERRY\nHey! Hey Mick.\n\nMICKEY\nHey Jerry.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat's doing?\n\nJERRY\nNothing, what's doing with you?\n\nKRAMER\nSame old, same old.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge this is Mickey.\n\nGEORGE\nHi, nice to meet you.\n\n(George and Mickey shake hands)\n\nMICKEY\nPleasure.\n\nJERRY\nHow's work going you guys?\n\nMICKEY\nLets not even talk about it.\n\nGEORGE\n(to Kramer) You got a job?\n\nKRAMER\nYa, Mickey. He hooked me up. We're stand-ins\nfor the actors on 'All My Children.'\nMickey, he's a stand-in for an eight\nyear old kid and I stand in for the\nkids father.\n\nMICKEY\n(to Jerry then both Jerry and George)\nBut I got a big problem. The kid I stand\nin for, he's growing. He was four feet\nlast month, now he's like four-two and\na half. He shot up two and a half inches.\nI can do four-two, four-three is a stretch,\nany higher than that and I'm gonna be\nout on my ass doing that paralegal crap.\n\nJERRY\nHow do you stop a kid from growing?\n\nKRAMER\n(to Mickey) I told you, you should offer\nhim some cigarettes.\n\nMICKEY\nI offered him cigarettes, (to Jerry\nand George) but his stupid mother is\nhanging around. She won't let him have\nany.\n\nKRAMER\n(to Mickey) What about lifts?\n\nMICKEY\n(to Kramer) Out of the question.\n\nGEORGE\n(to Mickey) Can't you just switch with\nanother Midget?\n\n(Mickey grabs the counter with rage on his face, Jerry does a\nform of gulp)\n\nMICKEY\n(turns and moves up to George, points\nhis finger at him) It's little people,\nyou got that?\n\nKRAMER\nEasy Mickey, easy.\n\nGEORGE\nYap..\n\nKRAMER\nAll right we gotta get back to the show.\nWhat are you guys doing?\n\nJERRY\nI'm going to the hospital, to visit\nFulton.\n\nKRAMER\n(on his way to the door) Oh, oh well\nsay hello for me.\n\n(Kramer and Mickey leave Jerry's apartment and enter the hallway)\n\nKRAMER\nNow look, we're going to stop at the\nshoe maker right now. You gotta get\nsome lifts for your shoes.\n\nMICKEY\nLifts?! Look Kramer you don't understand,\nthis kind of thing is just not done.\n\nKRAMER\nYou wanna keep your job don't you?\n\nMICKEY\nYa but..\n\n(Kramer interrupts him)\n\nKRAMER\nYAH! No Buts\n\nMICKEY\nKramer\n\n(Kramer interrupts again)\n\nKRAMER\n(with his hand in Mickey's face) YAAAAAH!\n\n(Fulton's Hospital Room)\n\n(Fulton lying in the Hospital Bed, Jerry Enters)\n\nJERRY\nHey, woahoh Fulton. It's me.\n\nFULTON\nHey Jerry, good to see ya. I could really\nuse a good laugh.\n\nJERRY\nWho couldn't.\n\nFULTON\nI haven't cracked a smile in months.\n\nJERRY\nOh don't worry, you'll crack. Cracking's\ninevitable, first you crack then you\nchuckle. That was the motto with the\nRussians at the Caesar Leningrad...\nfirst you crack then you chuckle. (Fulton\nlooks at him not amused) You know because\nLeningrad when the Nazis attacked, it\nwasn't a very happy time... because\nof the war, famine, plus it was cold,\nvery cold... they were eating each other.\n(Nervous under the pressure; Fulton\nnot finding anything Jerry is saying\nfunny) Maybe this isn't a good time\nfor a visit.\n\nFULTON\nIt's a fine time.\n\nJERRY\nOh, all right ah well... There's a priest,\na minister and a rabbi, and they're\nall staring at him....\n\n(Monk's)\n\n(George and Daphne sitting in a booth reading the paper)\n\nGEORGE\n(sets down his paper) So how were the\neggs?\n\nDAPHNE\nEggs are eggs.\n\nGEORGE\n(Not amused with her answer) Eggs are\neggs. That is very profound. (laughs;\nDaphne goes back to reading her paper)\nBy the same token you could say fish\nis fish. Ha ha ha, I don't think so.\n(pauses) Listen Daphne\n\nDAPHNE\n(correcting George) Daphne.\n\nGEORGE\nDaphne. I have to tell you something,\nthis is very difficult...\n\nDAPHNE\n(interrupts and hurriedly puts down\nher paper) Oh, I forgot to tell you.\nAl Netchie called me today.\n\nGEORGE\nYa, ya. I bumped into him on the bus.\nWhat did he have to say?\n\nDAPHNE\nHe told me not to get involved with\nyou.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nDAPHNE\nYa, he said you could never make a commitment\nto any one and you'd just wind up (reaches\nout and lightly slaps George's hand)\nhurting me.\n\nGEORGE\nHe said that? (Daphne shacks her head)\nWhat a nerve. How dare he say something\nlike that.\n\nDAPHNE\nIs it true?\n\nGEORGE\nOf course not. I mean sure, there may\nhave been one or two occasions in the\npast, when I may have reacted in uh\nimpulsive or somewhat immature manner,\nbut those days are well behind me.\n\n(ABC Studios)\n\n(All My Children Set)\n\nSON\nHow long are you going to be away for\nDaddy?\n\nFATHER\nI'm not really going away, I told you,\nI'll be back every other weekend.\n\nSON\nDon't go Daddy, don't go.\n\nFATHER\nNow Porter, you know your mother and\nI love you very much, but sometimes\npeople fall out of love. Now give me\na big hug.\n\nDIRECTOR\n(walks into the scene) ...and there's\nyour scene. Stand-ins\n\nKRAMER\nYo\n\nSTAGE HAND\nAll right you guys get on their spots\nso we can fix the lights.\n\n(Mickey and Kramer walk onto the set and get into positions)\n\nKRAMER\n(taps the Father on the shoulder) That's\ngood work.\n\nMICKEY\n(quickly with no acting) How long you\ngoing to be away for Daddy?\n\nKRAMER\n(trying to act like the guy playing\nthe Father) I'm not really going away,\nI told you I'd be back every other weekend.\n\nMICKEY\n(tugs on Kramer's coat) Don't go Daddy,\ndon't...go.\n\nKRAMER\nNow listen Porter, you know your mother\nand I love you very much. But sometimes\npeople fall out of love. Now give me\na big hug.\n\n(Kramer and Mickey go to hug and Kramer's pipe hits Mickey in\nthe face)\n\nMICKEY\nAh! (pauses for the hug) all right (Kramer\nstill holding on) all right! Kramer!\n(pushes Kramer off him)\n\nDIRECTOR\nOk everybody that's lunch... one hour.\n\n(The director pauses and looks at Mickey as if something is different)\n\nKRAMER\nHow do those lifts feel?\n\nMICKEY\nQuiet.\n\nTAMMY\nHi guys.\n\nMICKEY\nHey Tammy.\n\nTAMMY\nHey, you look different. Have you been\nworking out?\n\nMICKEY\n(looks at Kramer) Not that I know of.\n\nTAMMY\nWell whatever it is you're doing, keep\ndoing it you look great.\n\nMICKEY\nHow about lunch?\n\nTAMMY\nOH I can't today, but um I see it our\nfuture. (starts to leave) See ya Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nYa.\n\nTAMMY\nBye Mickey\n\nKRAMER\nOoo she likes you buddy (they to a high\nfive hand shake)\n\nKRAMER & MICKEY\nYa!\n\nMICKEY\nAll of a sudden.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nJOHNNY\nHey Mick.\n\nMICKEY\nHow you doin' Johnny?\n\nJOHNNY\nWhat gives...what's going on? Goin'\nout with Tammy?\n\nMICKEY\nMaybe. What's it to you?\n\nJOHNNY\nSomethin' different about you.\n\nMICKEY\nI got my hair cut that's all (turns\nto look at Kramer)\n\nJOHNNY\nNah, that's not it. Something else...\nYa you look different.\n\n(Kramer starts eating a sandwich)\n\nMICKEY\nYou don't, you got the same ugly mug\nsince the day I met ya.\n\nJOHNNY\nI don't know what it is, but I'll find\nout. (walking away) I'll find out.\n\n(Kramer and Mickey look at each other, Mickey makes a pointing\nmotion as if to reference the conversation with Johnny, Kramer\nshakes his head no.)\n\n(Back to Jerry with Fulton)\n\nJERRY\n..so uh she's just sitting there and\na uh Pachyderm, you remember the derm.\nHe says uh, I'm gonna go up to her.\nSo we uh he uh picks up the two pieces\nof (wipes his brow) pizza and uh the\nuh and then they're steaming hot and\nthey're burning his hands see so he...\nhe's juggling em (does juggling motions)\nhe's jugglin em, jus throwing them up\nin the air and just as he gets up to\nher down they go. (Swallows and takes\na breath) Well we all just lost it.\n(Fulton not laughing, stone faced) It\nwas really, really, funny.\n\n(Phil Enters)\n\nPHIL\nHey Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHey Phil how you doing?\n\nPHIL\nYou look terrific.\n\nJERRY\nI got my health.\n\nPHIL\nWell, that's the most important thing.\n(to Fulton) Hey how ya doing Fulton!\nOctane, Butane, Nitrane! (Fulton looks\nat him still stone faced and not amused.\nTo Jerry) How's he doing?\n\nJERRY\n(wiping his brow) He could use a couple\nlaughs.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\n(Jerry and Elaine)\n\nELAINE\nYou should have told that story about\nPachyderm dropping the pizza.\n\n(Buzzer)\n\nJERRY\nI told it. (Answers the buzzer) Ya?\n\nGEORGE\n(on the speaker) Ya\n\nJERRY\nYa. (hits the button, opens the door.\nTo Elaine) Hey you know what as I was\nleaving I bumped into Phil Titola. He\nis one of the greatest guys.\n\nELAINE\nDo I know him?\n\nJERRY\nNo, but I'll tell you something. Of\nall the guys I know, I could envision\nyou going out with him.\n\nELAINE\nIf you were a woman would you go out\nwith him?\n\nJERRY\nIf I was a woman I'd be down at the\ndock waiting for the fleet to come in.\n\nELAINE\n(laughs) Ya, I bet you would. all right,\ngive him my number.\n\nJERRY\nall right.\n\n(George Enters)\n\nGEORGE\nThis you are not going to believe. Al\nNetchie, that pimple. Tells Daphne,\nnot get this 'Not to get involved with\nme.'\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nYa. That's what she told me.\n\nELAINE\nWhy?\n\nGEORGE\nBecause he's afraid she's gonna get\nhurt.\n\nELAINE\nIs she?\n\nGEORGE\nOf course.\n\nELAINE\nSo?\n\nGEORGE\nWa.. He doesn't have to tell her.\n\nELAINE\nMaybe he likes her.\n\nGEORGE\nOh no no no. He's deeply in love, and\nI was just about to break up with her\nwhen she told me.\n\nJERRY\nSo what are you gonna do?\n\nGEORGE\nWell I can't break up with her now.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nGEORGE\nBecause he said I was going to.\n\nELAINE\nSo now you're going to keep going out\nwith her, for spite?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, I am.\n\nJERRY\nYa, I could see that.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't see any way around it.\n\nJERRY\nNo, me either.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat choice do I have?\n\nJERRY\nNone.\n\n(ABC Studio Locker Room)\n\n(Mickey walks in to discover his Locker is open and that his\nlifts where in there)\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\n(Jerry and Kramer)\n\nJERRY\nFulton's wife told me it's all my fault.\nShe said since my visit he's taken a\nturn for the worse.\n\nKRAMER\nDid you tell him the Pachyderm story?\n\nJERRY\n(yelling) Yes I told him the Pachyderm\nstory!\n\nKRAMER\nMaybe I outta go over there.\n\nJERRY\nTowards what end?\n\nKRAMER\nI'm very good with sick people. They\nlove me. When my friend Len Nicodemo\nhad the gout, I moved into his hospital\nroom for three days, the doctors were\namazed at his recovery.\n\n(Knocking on the Door)\n\n(Jerry and Kramer walk over to it, Kramer opens it to reveal\nMickey)\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey Mick.\n\nMICKEY\n(to Kramer) Johnny Vigiano went through\nmy locker.\n\nKRAMER\nYAOH!\n\nMICKEY\n(slamming the door) That little Bastard!\nHe saw the lifts in my shoes. He knows\nI'm heightening. (to Kramer) This never\nwould have happened if you hadn't pushed\nme to get those things. I told you.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, nobody put a gun to your head.\n\nMICKEY\nYa well just keep out of my business\nyou big ape. (pushes Kramer)\n\nKRAMER\nWho you calling big ape? (pushes Mickey\nback)\n\nMICKEY\nYou (grabs Kramer)\n\n(Mickey and Kramer begin a struggle)\n\nJERRY\n(starts pulling them apart) All right\nbreak it up, break it up. Come on, just\ncut it out now (Kramer yells)\n\nKRAMER\n(pacing back and forth) Ya.\n\nJERRY; Behave yourselves.\n\nMICKEY\nI'm sorry Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nNo no it's all right, it's all right.\nYou're stressed Oout!\n\nJERRY\n(to Mickey) Why does this guy Johnny\nhave it in for you?\n\nMICKEY\nOh, he's always been jealous of me.\nI always get to stand in for the bigger\nstars; The Cosby Kids, Ricky Schroder,\nMacaulay Culkin.\n\nKRAMER\n(whistles) What's he like huh?\n\nMICKEY\nHe's a good kid.\n\nKRAMER\nYa?\n\nJERRY\nSo what does he care if you put lifts\nin?\n\nMICKEY\nYou don't understand. There's an unwritten\ncode about this kind of thing. I could\nbe ostracized. I remember when I was\na kid, some guy tried to heighten. He\nlost his job, lost his friends, Everything.\nOh, I knew I was crazy to try this kind\nof thing, but I was so desperate. (pauses\nlaying on the couch; jumps up) What\nis this kid taking anyway? Hormones?\nSteroids? Would you tell me!?\n\n(George's car outside Daphne's place)\n\nDAPHNE\nGeorge, tomorrow's Sunday. We could\nsleep late, and get the paper and half\nbreakfast and spend the morning together,\ngo for a long walk, maybe do a little\nshopping, have lunch...\n\nGEORGE\n(interrupts her) You know what. I don't\nthink I'm going to be able to stay over\ntonight.\n\nDAPHNE\nWhy not?\n\nGEORGE\nI, I really should go home. Ya.. actually\nI'm planning on spending the day with\nmy father tomorrow (short laugh) we're\nuh we're going to a father-son picnic,\njust the two of us.\n\nDAPHNE\nI thought we were going to spend the\nday together.\n\nGEORGE\nWell Dad's been planning this for such\na long time, he bought a new blanket,\nand he got tha...that game with foam\npaddles and the Velcro ball. (laughs)\n\nDAPHNE\nHave you given any more thought to what\nwe talked about? You know, moving in?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, oh yes very much.\n\nDAPHNE\nMaybe you don't want to move in.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no I do. You know it's just...\n\nDAPHNE\n(interrupting him) Maybe Al Netchie\nwas right, maybe I shouldn't have gotten\ninvolved with you.\n\nGEORGE\n(angry that she believes Al was right)\nNo he's not right. Al Netchie is not\nright! all right I'm canceling the father-son\npicnic. I don't know what he's gonna\ndo with all that potato salad.\n\n(Elaine and Phil in Phil's car outside Elaine's Apartment)\n\nELAINE\n(Phil cracking up) So then Pachyderm\npicks up the pieces of pizza, and mind\nyou know they are burning hot.. he can\nbarely hold 'em. I mean he's like trying\nto juggle (does a juggling motion and\nbegins laughing) the pizza, you know\nah. And then they go flying out of...\n\nPHIL\n(dying of laughter) I'm peeing in my\npants.\n\nELAINE\n(cont.) they go flying out of his hands,\nand one lands on her face and the other\nlands on his face. (pause as they both\ncontinue to laugh really hard) and the\nwhole place went crazy.\n\nPHIL\nOh, I'm sorry, Oh. What a story.\n\nELAINE\nI know, I know, I was unbelievable\n\n(laughter dying)\n\nPHIL\nOh that is one of the funniest stories\nI've ever heard.\n\nELAINE\n(wipes her eyes because she laughed\nso hard she cried) I know.\n\nPHIL\nWell this has been one hell of a night.\n\nELAINE\nOh, I'm sorry Jerry didn't suggest this\nsooner.\n\nPHIL\nYou know, you really are beautiful Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nOh, well, (pauses) Good night.\n\nPHIL\nGood night?\n\nELAINE\nWell (leans in to kiss Phil, then looks\ndown at his pants with a awkward look\non her face)\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\n(Jerry sitting on a stool on the phone)\n\nJERRY\n(on phone) Come on Adrian give me another\nchance, I know I could cheer Fulton\nup. I'll tell you what, I'll do my act\n(pauses for response from Adrian) No\nnew material (Elaine enters) He's never\nheard it. He'll love it, I just did\nit at the Concord last week. It killed.\n(waves hello to Elaine; pauses for response\nfrom Adrian) Thank you, thanks fo..\nyou will not regret this. Ok, Bye. (hangs\nup phone; to Elaine) Hey.\n\nELAINE\nHello.\n\nJERRY\nSo?\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nCome on. How was your date?\n\nELAINE\nOh, the date. The date.\n\nJERRY\nYa how was it?\n\nELAINE\nInteresting.\n\nJERRY\nReally.\n\nELAINE\nOh ya.\n\nJERRY\nWhy what happened?\n\nELAINE\nLet's see, (thinking) how shall I put\nthis.\n\nJERRY\nJust put it.\n\nELAINE\nHe took it out.\n\nJERRY\n(confused) He what?\n\nELAINE\nHe took (blows on her glasses twice\nto clean them) it out.\n\nJERRY\nHe took what out?\n\nELAINE\nIt.\n\nJERRY\nHe took It, Out?\n\nELAINE\nYessiree Bob.\n\nJERRY\nHe couldn't.\n\nELAINE\nHe did.\n\nJERRY\n(motions of making out) Well you were\ninvolved in some sort of amorous...\n\nELAINE\nNoooo.\n\nJERRY\nYou mean he just\n\nELAINE\nYes.\n\nJERRY\nAre you sure?\n\nELAINE\nOh quite.\n\nJERRY\nThere was no mistaking it?\n\nELAINE\n(looks straight into his eyes) Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nSo you were talking, (Elaine makes an\nagreement sound \"mmm\") you're having\npleasant conversation, (Elaine makes\nan agreement sound \"mmm\") then all of\nsudden...\n\nELAINE\nYea.\n\nJERRY\nIt.\n\nELAINE\nIt.\n\nJERRY\nOut.\n\nELAINE\nOut.\n\nJERRY\nWell I, I can't believe this. I know\nPhil, he, he's a good friend of mine.\nWe play softball together. How could\nthis be?\n\nELAINE\nOh it be. (sarcastically) You got any\nother friends you want to set me up\nwith?\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nHey. (to Elaine) Hey how was your date\nwith Phil Titola?\n\nELAINE\n(to Kramer) He took it out.\n\n(Shocked, Kramer acts like he just got a cold shiver down his\nback)\n\nKRAMER\nMaybe uh, it needed some air. You know\nsometimes they need air, they can't\nbreathe in there. It's in human.\n\n(Monk's)\n\n(Jerry and George sitting at the booth nearest to the door)\n\nGEORGE\nSo she's just sitting there, she's having\na pleasant conversation... and all of\na sudden.\n\nJERRY\nIt.\n\nGEORGE\nIt.\n\nJERRY\nOut.\n\nGEORGE\nOut. (Jerry shakes his head in agreement)\nWow. I spend so much time trying to\nget their clothes off, I never thought\nof taking mine off. (Jerry nods; George\nlooks at his watch) all right, Hey come\non, get out of here, Daphne gonna be\nhere any minute.\n\nJERRY\nAll right I'm going.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know what I've come to realize?\nI'm not just bored. I genuinely dislike\nher.\n\nJERRY\nWell how long you are going to keep\nthis up?\n\nGEORGE\nHey I'll get married if I have to. Al\nNetchie will think twice before he opens\nhis mouth about me again.\n\nJERRY\nYou know George they are doing wonderful\nthings at mental institutions these\ndays. I'd be happy to set-up a meet\nand greet.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm very disappointed to here you talk\nlike that. You still don't know what\nmakes me tick.\n\nJERRY\nYes I do.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you doing?\n\nJERRY\nI'm going to the hospital to see Fulton.\nI'm not even saying hello, I'm going\nright into material.\n\n(Fulton's Hospital Room)\n\n(Phil and Jerry in the hall outside Fulton's Room)\n\nPHIL\nAh hey Jer.\n\nJERRY\nOh hey Phil.\n\nPHIL\nYou know I'm sorry things didn't work\nout with Elaine. I don't know what I\ndid wrong.\n\nJERRY\nWell, y..you showed her who you are.\n\n(Phil turns to see a woman breast feeding her baby down the hallway)\n\nPHIL\nOh, look at this, what she's got to\nbreast feed in public.\n\nJERRY\nYa, that's the.. last thing you want\nto see. Well, next to last.\n\nPHIL\nI'll see ya.\n\nJERRY\nYa take it easy.\n\n(Phil leaves)\n\n(Jerry enters Fulton's Room)\n\nJERRY\n(acting like he was walking on stage)\nHey how ya doing? Good to be here.\n\n(ABC Studios set)\n\nKRAMER & MICKEY\nRock, paper, scissors match.\n\nMICKEY\nall right, rock beats paper.\n\n(Mickey smacks Kramer on the hand for losing)\n\nKRAMER\nI thought paper covered rock?\n\nMICKEY\nNah, rock flies right through paper.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat beats rock?\n\nMICKEY\n(looks at his hand) Nothing beats rock.\n\nKRAMER\nall right come on.\n\nKRAMER & MICKEY\nRock, paper, scissors match.\n\nKRAMER\nRock.\n\nMICKEY\nRock\n\nKRAMER & MICKEY\nRock, paper, scissors match.\n\nKRAMER\nRock.\n\nMICKEY\nRock.\n\n(Bob walks by)\n\nMICKEY\nHey Bob. What's with you? You gotta\nproblem? (to Kramer) You see that look\nhe gave me? (starts to get up to go\nafter him)\n\nKRAMER\n(stops Mickey) all right, come on.\n\nKRAMER & MICKEY\nRock, paper, scissors match.\n\nKRAMER\nRock.\n\nMICKEY\nRock.\n\n(Tammy walks up)\n\nMICKEY\nHey Tammy.\n\nTAMMY\nHello.\n\nMICKEY\nSo Tammy, finally, today's our big lunch.\n\nTAMMY\nI don't think so.\n\nMICKEY\nWhy not? What the hell are you talking\nabout?\n\nTAMMY\nLook Mickey, everybody knows that you're\nheightening. It's all over the set.\n\nMICKEY\nWait, wait (goes to grab her arm)\n\nTAMMY\n(recoils) Don't touch me. You ought\nto be ashamed of yourself. All the progress\nwe made over the years and you go and\nblow it by pulling a stupid stunt like\nthis.\n\nMICKEY\nWait a second, wait a second, you got\nme all wrong. It was all because of\nthe kid. (numerous little people begin\nto crowd around them) (to Tammy) The\nkid was growing. He shot up two and\na half inches in a month. (to all the\nlittle people) I woulda' lost my job.\nAny one of you would have done the same.\nYou got no right! I'm Mickey Abbott!\nI stood in for Punky Brewster when all\nof you was nothing. (seeing the crowd\nstill doesn't agree with what he did,\nhe points at Kramer) It's all his fault.\n(Kramer acts like he doesn't know what\nMickey is talking about) It was his\nidea.\n\nTAMMY\nCome on Johnny, let's go get something\nto eat.\n\n(all the little people leave including Tammy along with Johnny)\n\nMICKEY\n(in complete disgust as seeing Tammy\nleave with Johnny) AH! (turns and looks\nat Kramer) AH!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\n(Mickey runs and tackles Kramer)\n\nMICKEY\nAH!\n\nKRAMER\nMickey!\n\n(Back in Fulton's Hospital Room)\n\n(Jerry is doing material)\n\nJERRY\nThis guy's belching out vitamins..\n\nFULTON\n(dying of laughter and coughing) Stop.\n\nJERRY\n(cont.) and this whole justice league,\nBatman, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman.\nYou mean to tell me Superman can't cover\neverything?\n\nFULTON\n(still laughing and coughing) Stop.\n\nJERRY\nFor crying out loud, He's Superman.\n(Fulton stops laughing, Jerry's face\nis stunned) Fulton? (looks at him) Fulton?\n\n(Back at Monk's)\n\n(George and Daphne at the booth nearest to the door)\n\nDAPHNE\nGeorge, first let me just say I've never\nbeen with a guy who was so committed\nto commit. I mean it's so rare in men\nthese days an, that's what makes this\nall the more difficult.\n\nGEORGE\n(happily) Difficult?\n\nDAPHNE\nThe other day, after work, some girlfriends\nand I went to a bar for some drinks\nand there was this crazy mishap and\nI wound up meeting someone as a result.\nGeorge...\n\nGEORGE\n(acting disappointed) Oh, please don't.\n\nDAPHNE\nUh, I'm sorry. I'm afraid the worst\nof it is it's someone you know. Jerry\nPersheck.\n\nGEORGE\nPachyderm?\n\nDAPHNE\nHeh, he was carrying these two pieces\nof pizza...\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Wife.html",
    "text": "THE WIFE\n\nWritten by\n\nPeter Mehlman\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nOf all the places that you go all the time, the dry-cleaning\nrelationship is one of the most bizarre. Because you keep giving\neach other the same thing, back and forth, over and over again.\nHe gives it to you, you give it to him, he gives it back to you.\nIt's like it's half his shirt, in a way. He has it as much as\nyou do...you oughta go shopping with him. 'What do you think\nof this shirt?' 'That would look good with a light starch.' The\nonly warning label people really respect is 'dry-clean only.'\nY'know what I mean? Speed limits, lung cancer, cigarette warnings\n- your very life is at stake! People go, 'Ah, the hell with it!'\nBut dry-clean only? 'Oh, don't put that in the wash! It's dry-clean\nonly! Are you crazy?!'\n\nOpening scene - Jerry and his girlfriend Meryl at Jerry's apartment.\nMeryl comes out of Jerry's bedroom.\n\nMERYL\nGood morning.\n\nJERRY\nGood morning.\n\nMERYL\nHow'd you sleep?\n\nJERRY\nHey, you are the couch tonight, young\nlady. You were all over my side.\n\nMERYL\nI was not!\n\nJERRY\nC'mon, I was sleeping with one cheek\noff the bed!\n\nMERYL\nBy the way, you're falling way behind\non the 'I love you's.'\n\nJERRY\nNo, no, 12-8!\n\nMERYL\nNo, it's 15-8.\n\nJERRY\nI know I can't beat ya, I'm just trying\nto stay competitive.\n\nMERYL\nAlright c'mon, let's get some breakfast.\n\nJERRY\nUh, let me get a coat. I think I'll\ntry a sport jacket and scarf thing,\nyou know, like an unemployed actor.\n(Goes into his room, and comes back\nout with the jacket on.) Haven't worn\nthis one in a long time.\n\nMERYL\nOoh, cashmere?\n\nJERRY\nNo, gore-tex. It's new. (Checks his\npockets.) Hey, look at this locket.\nWhat the hell is this? There's a picture\nin here, look at that.\n\nMERYL\nWow, this is really old. You don't know\nwhose it is?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I haven't worn this jacket since\nI got it back from the dry-cleaner.\nMaybe we should ask him.\n\nMERYL\nAlright, we'll stop over there.\n\nJERRY\nYeah. What do you want to get for breakfast?\n\nMERYL\nPancakes.\n\nJERRY\nOh now, c'mon, you know I'm getting\npancakes.\n\nMERYL\nI don't know that! Mark's Michelle\nis a dog.\n\nJERRY\nBut we can't both get pancakes, it's\nembarrassing. It's like one step from\nthe couples who dress alike.\n\nMERYL\nI'll get the short stack.\n\nJERRY\nAh, that's why I love ya. 15-9. (They\ngo out into the hallway and run into\nKramer and his African-American girlfriend,\nAnna.) Hey, how ya doin.'\n\nKRAMER\nWe just got back from breakfast. The\npancakes were dynamite.\n\nJERRY\nHey, is that my maple syrup? (Kramer\nhands it over.)\n\nMERYL\nYou bring your own syrup?\n\nKRAMER\nGot to.\n\nJERRY\nYou got a lot to learn about pancakes.\n\nJerry and Meryl at Marty the dry-cleaner's.\n\nMARTY\nThis is my wife. She died eight years\nago. I been looking all over for this!\n\nJERRY\nBoy, it's a lucky thing I put the jacket\non. But how did it get in the pocket?\n\nMARTY\nWell, see here, the chain is broken...it\nmust have slipped in when I was, uh...(gestures\nat the racks of clothes behind him.)\n\nJERRY\nOh, wow.\n\nMARTY\nI turned my house upside-down looking\nfor this! It's all I have left of her.\n\nMERYL\nOh, that's so touching.\n\nJERRY\nOh, come on!\n\nMARTY\nWhat are you talkin' about?\n\nJERRY\nIt's silly!\n\nMARTY\nHey, forget it!\n\nJERRY\nGet outta here!\n\nMARTY\nIt's done!\n\nJERRY\nAlright.\n\nMERYL\nWell, I guess I get it too, because\nI'm his wife.\n\nMARTY\nI didn't know you were married.\n\nJERRY\nOh...yeah...you've never met my wife,\nMeryl? Meryl Seinfeld.\n\nMARTY\nSure, you get the discount, too.\n\nJERRY\nYou might regret that, because the money\nmy wife spends on clothes...\n\nMERYL\nI'm taking him to the cleaners!\n\nJERRY\nAh - see the sense of humor? C'mere,\nI'm so nuts about you...(hugs Meryl.)\nI tell ya, it was fun being single,\nbut when you meet a woman like this,\nyou don't walk to get married - you\nrun!\n\nElaine on the street outside the New York Health Club. Greg comes\nout of the club.\n\nELAINE\nOh, hi Greg.\n\nGREG\nHaven't seen you in a while.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. Well, today was the first day\nI worked out since the Central Park\nMini-Marathon.\n\nGREG\nYou ran the Mini-Marathon?\n\nELAINE\nNo, but I exercised that day. (Laughs.)\n\nGREG\nWell, I gotta take off.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I guess as an airline pilot, you're\none of the few people who can say that\nand mean it. (Laughs again. Greg looks\nat her, unamused.) Um, do you have the\ntime?\n\nGREG\nEleven-thirty.\n\nELAINE\nEleven-thirty?\n\nGREG\nWait, ten-thirty. Sorry.\n\nELAINE\nOh.\n\nGREG\nDo you have to be somewhere?\n\nELAINE\nNo.\n\nGREG\nThen what are you doing?\n\nELAINE\nI'm just waiting for my friend George,\nwe worked out together.\n\nGREG\nOh. Well, it was good seeing you.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, nice to see you, too.\n\n(Greg plants an open-lipped kiss on Elaine and walks away. She\nlooks after him with a puzzled expression.)\n\nJerry and Meryl having breakfast at the coffee shop.\n\nMERYL\nUh, would you, um...can I...\n\nJERRY\nPardon?\n\nMERYL\nThe syrup. Would you pass the syrup?\n\nJERRY\nOh, you want to try the syrup! (Meryl\nsmiles and takes it. The waitress comes\nover.)\n\nWAITRESS\nCan I get you anything else?\n\nJERRY\nUm, yeah...I think my wife and I'll\nhave a little more coffee.\n\nWAITRESS\nOkay.\n\nMERYL\nAnd a check for my husband.\n\nJERRY\nTo my beautiful wife.\n\nMERYL\nTo my adoring husband.\n\nJERRY\nAdoring? What about handsome?\n\nMERYL\nI like adoring.\n\nJERRY\nSure, adoring's good for you, what does\nit do for me? (Meryl laughs. The owner\nof the coffee shop comes over.)\n\nOWNER\nExcuse me...where did you get that?\n\nJERRY\nI, uh...well...\n\nOWNER\nUh, we don't allow any outside syrups,\njams or condiments in the restaurant.\n(To Jerry) And if I catch you in here\nwith that again...I will confiscate\nit.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I told my wife not to bring it.\n\nJerry and Kramer in Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nNo, just Meryl.\n\nKRAMER\nWhy, why? Why does she get it?\n\nJERRY\nBecause she's my wife! (The door buzzer\nsounds, and Jerry lets Elaine into the\nbuilding - Jerry: Yeh? Elaine: Meh.\nJerry: Eh.) And I'll tell ya, I'm really\nenjoying this marriage thing. You think\nabout each other. You care about each\nother. It's wonderful! Plus, I love\nsaying \"my wife.\" Once I started saying\nit, I couldn't stop - \"my wife\" this,\n\"my wife\" that...it's an amazing way\nto begin a sentence.\n\nKRAMER\n\"My wife has an inner ear infection.\"\n\nJERRY\nSee?\n\nKRAMER\nI like that! Hey look, will you do me\na favor? Will you take my quilt into\nthe cleaners for me, so I can get the\ndiscount too?\n\nJERRY\nOh come on, we're gonna start doing\nthis now? I can't be taking all your\ndry-cleaning in!\n\nKRAMER\nC'mon, just this one time! It's expensive!\n\nJERRY\nAlright. (Elaine enters.)\n\nKRAMER\nHey. Hey Elaine, what do you say if\nneither of us is married in ten years,\nwe get hitched?\n\nELAINE\nLet's make it fifty.\n\nKRAMER\nWe're engaged! Alright, I'm gonna get\nmy quilt. (Kramer leaves.)\n\nELAINE\nAlright, listen to this. Remember that\nguy I was telling you about at the health\nclub?\n\nJERRY\nThe fly-boy.\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nHey, where's George? I thought he was\nwith you.\n\nELAINE\nI waited, he didn't show up. Anyway,\nthis guy gave me an open-lip kiss.\n\nJERRY\nSo?\n\nELAINE\nSo? We've always just kind've pecked.\nThis one had a totally different dynamic.\n\nJERRY\nReally.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. I mean, his upper lip landed flush\non my upper lip. But his lower lip landed\nwell below my rim.\n\nJERRY\nMoisture?\n\nELAINE\nYeah. Definite moisture.\n\nJERRY\nThat's an open-lip kiss, alright.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. Listen, I think he's giving me\na big signal...maybe he wants to change\nour relationship. (The buzzer sounds,\nElaine answers it.) Yeah?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, uh...it's George.\n\nELAINE\nHey, what happened to you?\n\nGEORGE\nNothing...little problem.\n\nELAINE\nWell, what was it? I mean, I was waiting.\n\nGEORGE\nCan I come upstairs, please? (Elaine\npushes the button and lets George in.)\n\nELAINE\nI mean, maybe he wants to ask me out.\n\nJERRY\nI don't know why you're interested in\nthis guy, he's a jerk.\n\nELAINE\nBecause, he doesn't pay any attention\nto me, and he ignores me.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, so?\n\nELAINE\nI respect that. (George enters.) Mmm,\nwhat happened?\n\nGEORGE\nNothing, I... said it was a little problem.\n\nELAINE\nYeah? What was it?\n\nGEORGE\nWell...I was in the locker room showering,\nand I...I had to go, so...\n\nJERRY\nHere we go.\n\nGEORGE\nAnyway, I think the guy in the shower\nopposite saw me. He gave me a dirty\nlook.\n\nELAINE\nYou went...in the shower?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, so what? I'm not the only one!\n(Kramer enters with his quilt.)\n\nELAINE\nDo you go in the shower?\n\nJERRY\nNo, never.\n\nELAINE\nDo you?\n\nKRAMER\nI take baths.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, what was I supposed to do? Get\nout of the shower, put on my bathrobe?\nGo all the way down to the other end?\nCome all the way back?\n\nELAINE\nEver hear of...holding it in?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, no...no, that's very bad for the\nkidneys.\n\nELAINE\nHow do you know?\n\nGEORGE\nMedical journals!\n\nJERRY\nDo the medical journals mention anything\nabout standing in a pool of someone\nelse's urine?\n\nJerry dropping off Kramer's quilt at the dry-cleaners. Meryl\nis already there dropping off some stuff of her own.\n\nJERRY\nHello.\n\nMERYL\nOh, hi...honey.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you doing here?\n\nMERYL\nI just thought I'd drop off a few things.\n\nJERRY\nOh. (Smiles at Marty nervously.) Well,\nI must have been in the incinerator\nroom when you left. Here you go, Marty.\n(Hands over Kramer's quilt.)\n\nMARTY\nAnother quilt? Huh? (Uncle Leo enters.)\n\nUNCLE LEO\nJerry!\n\nJERRY\nUncle Leo!\n\nUNCLE LEO\nHello!\n\nJERRY\nHello.\n\nMARTY\nSo, if you or your wife want to drop\nby on Wednesday, it should be ready.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nYour wife?\n\nJERRY\nYeah...my wife.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nJERRY\nUh...I got married.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nYou got married? I wasn't invited? Nobody\nsends me an invitation?\n\nJERRY\nWell, it was sudden.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nAre you ashamed of your uncle? Do I\nembarrass you?\n\nJERRY\nNo, no, it was a small ceremony.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nHaven't I always been a good uncle?\n\nJERRY\nYes, yes, you have.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nWho told you when you went to school\nthat you print well?\n\nJERRY\nYou did, you did.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nWhen he was younger, he had a beautiful\npenmanship. I used to encourage him\nto print.\n\nJERRY\nI'm a good printer.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nI remember your 'V.' It was like a perfect\ntriangle. Whoa, there's my bus! (Rushes\nout.) Hello! Wait! (Jerry tries to catch\nLeo before he runs off to tell him about\nhis \"pretend marriage,\" but doesn't\nmake it.)\n\nElaine talking with Greg while he's on a Stairmaster at the health\nclub.\n\nGREG\nI'm glad you're here. This can get really\nboring. Do you know where I can get\nsome good olives?\n\nELAINE\nI can find out.\n\nGREG\nWould ya?\n\nELAINE\nSure. (Thinks - Ooh, a project. That's\na definite signal!)\n\nGREG\nBy the way, you look really great in\nthat leotard.\n\nELAINE\nOh, thanks. (Thinks - That's no signal,\nwho wouldn't like me in this leotard?\nI look amazing in this leotard.)\n\nGREG\nHey, you know what's weird? I think\nI had a dream about you last night.\n\nELAINE\n(Thinks - Okay, he open-lips me, he\ndreams about me, we have an olive project...that's\nit, I'm asking this guy out.) Um, you\nknow Greg, I...\n\nGREG\nCan I have a sip of your water?\n\nELAINE\nOh, yeah, sure. (Hands Greg her bottle.)\n\nGREG\nThanks. (Is about to take a drink, but\nwipes the neck of the bottle with his\nshirt first.)\n\nELAINE\n(Thinks - Oh my God.)\n\nGREG\nI'm sorry, what were you saying?\n\nELAINE\nIt was nothing, forget it. (George enters\nthe gym.)\n\nGREG\nSee that guy right there? I caught him\nurinating in the shower. I'm thinking\nabout turning him in, too. (On the other\nside of the room, George falls off an\nexercise machine and gets his foot caught\nin it.)\n\nJerry and Meryl in Jerry's apartment. Meryl is lounging on the\ncouch, watching TV and eating chocolates.\n\nMERYL\nHoney? Could you get me something to\ndrink?\n\nJERRY\nYou're right there.\n\nMERYL\nC'mon, I'm sitting! (Jerry walks to\nthe kitchen, annoyed. Meryl laughs at\nthe TV show she's watching.)\n\nJERRY\nHoney, what'd you do with the can opener?\n\nMERYL\nI didn't do anything with it.\n\nJERRY\nWell, it's not here, it was here yesterday.\n\nMERYL\nIt's in the first drawer.\n\nJERRY\nI'm looking in the first drawer. It's\nnot here.\n\nMERYL\nYes, it is.\n\nJERRY\nHey...I'm not stupid. I'm looking in\nthat drawer, there's no can opener.\n\nMERYL\nDid I say you were stupid?\n\nJERRY\nWell, wouldn't I have to be? You tell\nme there's a can opener in the drawer,\nI'm looking in the drawer, there's no\ncan opener - what other conclusion could\none reach? (The phone rings.)\n\nMERYL\nDo you want me to go find it?\n\nJERRY\nYes. I do. You show me where there's\na can opener in that drawer. (Answers\nthe phone.) Hello! I'm sorry, I'm just\nfighting with my wife.\n\n(Cut to Morty and Helen in Florida, each with phone in hand.)\n\nHELEN\nJerry, we just heard, what's going on?\n\nMORTY\nWhy the hell didn't you tell us?\n\nJERRY\nListen, Ma...\n\nMERYL\nIt was in here yesterday!\n\nJERRY\nYeah, that's what I said!\n\nHELEN\nWho is she? When did this happen?\n\nMORTY\nI told her you'd get married. She thought\nyou'd never do it.\n\nHELEN\nMorty, you're talking too loud.\n\nMORTY\nI'm not talking loud!\n\nHELEN\nYou're hurting my eardrum.\n\nMERYL\nWell, you must have done something with\nit!\n\nJERRY\nI'm on the phone!\n\nHELEN\nIs she there? Can we talk to her? What's\nher name?\n\nJERRY\nMom, I'm not married.\n\nHELEN\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nI'm not married!\n\nMORTY\nI knew it, I told ya!\n\nHELEN\nUncle Leo said.\n\nJERRY\nI'm just pretending I'm married to get\na discount on dry-cleaning.\n\nHELEN\nA discount on dry-cleaning?\n\nJERRY\nCould you make a little more noise?\n(To his parents) Listen, I'm gonna have\nto call you later.\n\nMERYL\nWell, I give up.\n\nJERRY\nWell, whoopie whoop. (Meryl goes into\nthe other room. Kramer staggers in the\ndoor in his bathrobe.)\n\nKRAMER\nGot any coffee?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. (Kramer lurches into the kitchen,\ntrips, and falls onto the kitchen floor.)\nI'll get it, I'll get it! Take it easy,\nwhy are you so tired?\n\nKRAMER\nMy quilt is still at the cleaners. Jerry,\nI can't sleep without my quilt. Like\nthe other night? I was cold. So, last\nnight, I turn up the heat - it's too\nhot. I open up a window - it's too cold.\n(Frantic) I can't get into a zone!\n\nJERRY\nWhat is that? (Points to Kramer's pocket\nas Meryl comes back.)\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I forgot. (Hands back Jerry's can\nopener.)\n\nJerry and Meryl in bed later that night.\n\nJERRY\nHey, I'm sorry about all that can opener\nstuff.\n\nMERYL\nYeah, me too. Love you.\n\nJERRY\nLove you.\n\nMERYL\nWell, goodnight.\n\nJERRY\nGoodnight. (They kiss goodnight, then\npromptly roll away from each other and\ngo to sleep.)\n\nCommercial break.\n\nJerry, George and Elaine in Jerry's apartment the next day.\n\nGEORGE\nThey could kick me out of the health\nclub if he tells them!\n\nELAINE\nSo what do you want me to do?\n\nGEORGE\nTalk to him!\n\nELAINE\nHow can I do that?\n\nGEORGE\nYou said the guy gave you an open-lipped\nkiss!\n\nELAINE\nYes, but then he wiped his hand on the\ntop of the bottle when I offered him\nwater!\n\nGEORGE\nWell, that doesn't mean anything!\n\nELAINE\nAre you kidding? That's very significant!\nIf he was interested in me, he'd want\nmy germs! He'd just crave my germs!\n\nJERRY\nShe's right, George. Bottle-wipe is\nbig.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, what about the open-lipped kiss?\n\nJERRY\nBottle-wipe supercedes it.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, you're right, you're right. (To\nElaine) Alright, maybe he's not interested,\nbut you still know him - can't you just\nask him?\n\nELAINE\nGeorge...but if I ask him now, I will\nhave no chance of going out with him.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy?\n\nELAINE\nI...I don't know...\n\nGEORGE\nAha. Aha. Could it be because you don't\nwant him to know that you have a friend\nwho pees in the shower, is that it?!\n\nELAINE\nNo, that's not it!\n\nGEORGE\nOh, I think it is! I think that's exactly\nwhat it is!\n\nELAINE\nWhy couldn't you just wait?\n\nGEORGE\nI was there! I saw a drain!\n\nELAINE\nSince when is a drain a toilet?!\n\nGEORGE\nIt's all pipes! What's the difference?!\n\nELAINE\nDifferent pipes go to different places!\nYou're gonna mix 'em up!\n\nGEORGE\nI'll call a plumber right now! (Goes\nfor the phone.)\n\nJERRY\nAlright, can we just drop all the pee-pipe\nstuff here?\n\nELAINE\nOkay! Okay! I will talk to him. (Kramer\nenters.)\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, I think that quilt is ready.\n\nJERRY\nAlright.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you gotta pick it up for me!\n\nJERRY\nAlright, I'll pick it up, but it's the\nlast time I'm doin' it!\n\nKRAMER\nI'm so tired!\n\nELAINE\nBoy, you don't look good.\n\nKRAMER\nHuh? I don't?\n\nELAINE\nNo, you look pale.\n\nKRAMER\nPale? Oh my God...I gotta meet Anna's\nparents today! (The phone rings.)\n\nJERRY\nHello? Oh, hi honey. (annoyed, weary)\nYes, I told him. I'll get it. (George\nand Elaine give each other a look, then\nleave Jerry to argue with Meryl on the\nphone.) Whenever. Okay, I'm sorry...\n\nJerry at the dry-cleaners. Kramer paces outside impatiently,\nwaiting for his quilt.\n\nMARTY\nI'm sorry, it's not ready yet. (Kramer\nbursts in.)\n\nKRAMER\nNot ready? It has to be ready! What\nkind of a business are you running here?\n\nMARTY\nWho the hell are you? It's not your\nquilt.\n\nJERRY\nHe's a very good friend of mine, he's\nkind've like an older brother to me...when\nthings don't go right, he kinda takes\nit personally.\n\nMARTY\nWell, uh...maybe tomorrow.\n\nKRAMER\nMaybe.\n\nJERRY\nOh, it's okay, it'll be okay.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, I'm gonna see you later.\n\nJERRY\nWhere you goin'?\n\nKRAMER\nI gotta meet Anna's parents today, remember?\nI look terrible! I'm gonna hit the tanning\nmachines.\n\nJERRY\nI can't believe you still do that. You\nknow those things are bad for ya.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, that's how I maintain my glow.\n\nJERRY\nI'm goin' home. (Kramer exits. An attractive\nwoman enters the dry-cleaners with a\nbundle of clothes in her hands. Jerry\nnotices her and waits by the door.)\n\nPAULA\nExcuse me? Uh, how much would it cost\nto clean this?\n\nMARTY\nOh, about thirteen dollars.\n\nPAULA\nThirteen? Well, I can't afford that.\n\nMARTY\nWell, I'm sorry.\n\n(Paula turns around to leave and runs into Jerry. They smile\nat each other.)\n\nElaine and Greg at the health club. A sweaty Greg is exercising\non a leg machine.)\n\nELAINE\nHi, Greg.\n\nGREG\nHey, Elaine. I'll be off in a second.\n(Another guy approaches the exercise\nmachine.)\n\nELAINE\nI got the machine next, buddy. (Greg\nfinishes up his workout and gets off\nthe machine.)\n\nGREG\nIt's all yours. (Walks away. Elaine\nlooks at the machine, then George runs\nover.)\n\nGEORGE\nWhat happened? Did he bring it up?\n\nELAINE\nNever mind that, look at the signal\nI just got.\n\nGEORGE\nSignal? What signal?\n\nELAINE\nLookit. He knew I was gonna use the\nmachine next, he didn't wipe his sweat\noff. That's a gesture of intimacy.\n\nGEORGE\nI'll tell you what that is - that's\na violation of club rules. Now I got\nhim! And you're my witness!\n\nELAINE\nListen, George! Listen! He knew what\nhe was doing, this was a signal.\n\nGEORGE\nA guy leaves a puddle of sweat, that's\na signal?\n\nELAINE\nYeah! It's a social thing.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat if he left you a used Kleenex,\nwhat's that, a valentine? Now you go\nup to him and you tell him that if he's\nthinking of turning me in, that I got\nthe goods on him!\n\nELAINE\nNo! I won't be a party to this.\n\nGEORGE\nSo you're gonna let me get suspended\nfor shower urination?\n\nELAINE\nOkay, I'll talk to him. But you're putting\nme in a very difficult position. (Walks\naway.)\n\nJerry and Paula in a booth at the coffee shop. Jerry is trying\nto get the bundle of clothes from her so he can pay for the dry-cleaning.\n\nPAULA\nI won't let you do this!\n\nJERRY\nI want to!\n\nPAULA\nBut it isn't right! I can't.\n\nJERRY\nGive me the clothes.\n\nPAULA\nJerry, please. What about her?\n\nJERRY\nOh, the hell with her. (Paula dramatically\nflees from the coffee shop. Jerry thinks\nfor a second, then follows her and catches\nup to her on the street.)\n\nPAULA\nNo, Jerry, please!\n\nJERRY\nI'm not gonna let you walk out of my\nlife.\n\nPAULA\nI can't fight you. (They embrace and\nkiss passionately.)\n\nJERRY\nDo you want box or hanger?\n\nPAULA\nYou decide. (Jerry considers.)\n\nKramer in a tanning booth at the health club. He lies down on\nthe tanning bed and bonks his head. Cut back to Elaine and Greg\nin the weight room.\n\nELAINE\nYou're really working up quite a sweat\ntoday, huh?\n\nGREG\nYeah. (Spies the shapely manager of\nthe health club.) Oh, there's the manager.\nGood. I think I'm gonna talk to her\nabout that guy, you know, we cannot\nhave people like that in here.\n\nELAINE\nAre you sure you want to do that?\n\nGREG\nYeah. He's disgusting! Besides, I'll\ntake any chance I can to talk to her.\n\nELAINE\nYou're interested in...in her? (Points\nat the manager.)\n\nGREG\nVery.\n\nELAINE\nAh. You know, uh...I'm engaged. (preens)\nYep, gettin' married in fifty years.\n(Snaps the straps of her leotard against\nher chest and winces. George walks by\nthe manager.)\n\nGREG\nOh good, there he is. I wanna be able\nto point him out.\n\nELAINE\nYou know, Greg, I wouldn't do that if\nI were you.\n\nGREG\nWhy?\n\nELAINE\nWell, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't\nit a violation of club policy to not\nwipe down a machine after using it?\n\nGREG\nOh, I see...you're friends with the\nurinator, aren't you?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, well, at least he had a drain.\n\n(Cut back to Kramer lying on the health club tanning bed - fast\nasleep and snoring.)\n\nMeryl picking up her clothes at the dry-cleaners.\n\nMERYL\nHere you go. (Pays Marty, then looks\nat the clothes on the hanger.) Excuse\nme, this isn't mine.\n\nMARTY\nOh, yes it is. Your husband brought\nit in himself.\n\nMERYL\nReally? (Takes her change and grabs\nthe clothes off the hanger.) Thank you.\n(Exits.)\n\nAnna with her family and friends at her apartment. There's a\nknock at the door.\n\nANNA\nThat's him! (Opens the door. Kramer\nstands there, deeply tanned and smiling.\nAnna and her grandfather are shocked.)\n\nJerry and Meryl in Jerry's apartment.\n\nMERYL\nYou son of a bitch!\n\nJERRY\nI'm sorry.\n\nMERYL\nWho is she? I want to know who she is.\n\nJERRY\nIt doesn't matter. I want a divorce.\n\nMERYL\nA divorce? Oh, so you can marry her\nand give her the discount?\n\nJERRY\nYes, that's right.\n\nMERYL\nWhat happened to us, Jerry?\n\nJERRY\nI'll tell you what happened. We got\nmarried.\n\nMERYL\nI'm sorry, this is my fault. I pushed\nit on you.\n\nJERRY\nNo. I guess I just wasn't ready for\nthe responsibilities of a pretend marriage.\n\nMERYL\nGoodbye, Jerry. Oh, I forgot...(reaches\nin her purse)...this is your maple syrup.\n\nJERRY\nIt's alright, I want you to have it.\n\nMERYL\nOkay, thanks.\n\nJERRY\nWe'll always have...pancakes.\n\nMERYL\nBye, Jerry. (Exits.)\n\nCut back to Kramer at Anna's door.\n\nGRANDPA\nI thought you said you was bringin'\na white boy home! I don't see a white\nboy! I see a damn fool!\n\n(Kramer stands there, grinning foolishly.)\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Raincoats-Part-1.html",
    "text": "THE RAINCOATS PART 1\n\nWritten by\n\nTom Gammill, Max Pross, Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nI really feel as human beings, we need\nmore training in our basic social skills.\nConversational Distance, don't you hate\nthese people that talk to you they talk\ninto your mouth like you're a clown\nat a drive-through and Hand shakes is\nthe worst, there's absolutely no guidelines\nfor hand shakes you know these people?\nToo long, too weak, sometimes they give\nyou the three-quarter handshake just\nthe fingers, early release, late release,\nsometimes people will dispute your release,\nyou let go there're hangin' on. I have\nactually said to people 'Hey the handshake\nis over!.' Too many pumps, coming in\ntoo high, too sweaty, coming from too\nfar away. Sometimes a guy will give\nyou a strong grip, late release, and\npull you in for the too close conversation.\nTo him I say 'That's three strikes you're\nout.'\n\n(Monk's)\n\n(George and Jerry at the usual booth)\n\nJERRY\nYou know their timing couldn't be worse.\n\nGEORGE\nIs there ever a good time to have your\nparents stay with you?\n\nJERRY\nYou don't understand, I haven't been\ntogether with Rachel for like three\nweeks. First I was on the road, then\nmy parents show up, I'm getting a little\nuh backed up.\n\nGEORGE\nWhen are they leaving for Paris?\n\nJERRY\nNot for another three days.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about her place?\n\nJERRY\nShe lives with her parents.\n\nGEORGE\nReally? (Jerry shakes his head) Maybe\nthis will become like a cool thing,\nliving with your parents.\n\nJERRY\n(sarcastically)Ya, then maybe baldness\nwill catch on. This will all be turning\nyour way.\n\nGEORGE\nHey believe me, baldness will catch\non. When the aliens come, who do you\nthink they're gonna relate to? Who do\nyou think is going to be the first ones\ngetting a tour of the ship?\n\nJERRY\nThe baldies\n\nGEORGE\nHey by the way my parents really want\nto have your parents over dinner before\nthey leave town.\n\nJERRY\nThat's good, then I get the apartment\nfor at least one night. You know I'm\npaying for this whole Paris trip it's\ntheir anniversary present.\n\n(Alec and Joey enter)\n\nALEC\n(walking over to Jerry and George's\ntable) Hey guys.\n\nGEORGE\nHey Alec\n\nJERRY\nHey Alec\n\nALEC\nThis is Joey.\n\nGEORGE\nHey Joey, how you doin'?\n\nALEC\n(Joey was about to talk) Hey listen,\nI was wondering if either one of you\nguys would be interested in doing some\nwork for the Big Brother program? I'm\nkinda running the local chapter. What\ndo you say George?\n\nGEORGE\nWell uh....\n\nJOEY\n(interrupts) Wouldn't you like to be\na big brother to someone like me? Please?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, sure Joey, sure, I would be thrilled.\n\nALEC\nThat's great George, thanks a lot I'll\nget in touch with you.\n\nJOEY\nWouldn't you like to be a big brother..\n\nALEC\n(grabs Joey to stop him) Ya alright\nJoey that's enough, let's go (walking\nover to the counter) See ya.\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat could I do? Did you see the mug\non that kid?\n\nJERRY\n(acting like Joey) Wouldn't you like\nto pass the ketchup to someone like\nme? Please?\n\n(Street)\n\n(Jerry and George walking down the sidewalk.)\n\nJERRY\nHey did you notice they moved where\nthey do the interview on Jeopardy now?\n\nGEORGE\nYa it used to be right in the middle\nof single Jeopardy and now they do it\nright after single Jeopardy.\n\nJERRY\nYa, it's much better isn't it?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, n-no comparison.\n\nJERRY\nHey, I gotta stop off at the bookstore\nto pick up my parents one of those French-English\ndictionaries.\n\nGEORGE\n(stops Jerry realizing something) Hey\nhey hey hey hey hey.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nYour parents are going to Paris right?\n\nJERRY\nYea?\n\nGEORGE\nSo I tell Alec that I have to goto Paris\nfor an undetermined amount of time.\nThen all I have to do is buy some post\ncards and have your parents mail them\nfrom Paris.\n\nJERRY\nWhat about little Joey?\n\nGEORGE\nWho?\n\nJERRY\nAh, I think he's probably better off.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\n(Morty and Helen are sitting at Jerry's Table; Jerry and George\nare standing by them)\n\nGEORGE\nI'm trying to get out of this Big Brother\nprogram. So when you get to Paris (handing\nMorty the postcards) all you have to\ndo is drop 'em in any mailbox.\n\nMORTY\nBut there are no stamps on these.\n\nGEORGE\nWell no not yet, you gotta buy french\nstamps (pauses) I-I'll reimburse you\nof course.\n\nHELEN\nWhy are you doing this?\n\nJERRY\nHe wants this guy to think he's in Paris.\n\nHELEN\nWhy?\n\nJERRY\nBecause George is a deeply disturbed\nindividual.\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nOh hey, Helen uh, Could I uh, use some\nmore of your hand lotion?\n\nHELEN\nI told you it was good. (hands Kramer\nthe lotion)\n\nKRAMER\n(putting on the lotion) Ya\n\nHELEN\nIt's from the Sachs Fifth Avenue in\nMiami.\n\nKRAMER\nMmm (smelling the lotion as he rubs\nit in) I'm gonna remember that if I'm\never in Florida.\n\nJERRY\nYa, or if you're ever on Fifth Avenue\nhere in New York City, you could get\nsome there.\n\nKRAMER\nYa\n\nMORTY\nSay those are some nice pants. I got\na pair just like them at home.\n\nKRAMER\nWell uh that doesn't surprise me, ya\ni bought these at Rudy's. It's a used\nclothing store. See when people like\nyou die, the widows they bring in their\nwardrobes, they make a bundle.\n\nGEORGE\nReally? My father has a ton of old clothes\njust sitting up in the attic, y-you\nthink they're worth something?\n\nKRAMER\nYa if they're vintage, and you're a\nwidow.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat happens if the husband dies after\nthe wife, who brings in the clothing\nin then?\n\nKRAMER\nWell I suppose the children do.\n\nGEORGE\n(pondering) Yes I suppose they do.\n\nKRAMER\n(takes another smell of his hands) Alright\nI gotta a ten o'clock, I'll see everybody\nlater.\n\n(Kramer goes to turn the door nob and falls straight to the floor\nslipping off the nob, then continues to try to open the door\nwith no one really watching; He then uses his coat to get a grip\nand then smiles and exits)\n\nGEORGE\n(grabbing his jacket) Hey oo, I just\nremembered uh my parents really wanna\nhave you guys over for dinner before\nyou leave town. What about tonight?\n\n(Morty and Helen look at each other)\n\nHELEN\nTonight?\n\nGEORGE\nYea they're making Payaya.\n\nHELEN\n(looking at Morty) Uh oh I don't think\nwe think we can make it tonight, (turns\ntoward George) we have plans.\n\nJERRY\n(watching the whole conversation from\nhis desk) What plans?\n\nHELEN\n(turns to Jerry) We have plans.\n\nJERRY\nWhere'd you get plans?\n\nHELEN\n(annoyed) We have plans.\n\nGEORGE\nWell um, what about tomorrow night?\n\nHELEN\n(turns back toward George) Maybe\n\nGEORGE\nOk uh, I guess I'll tell them that.\n\nMORTY\n(to George as he is about to leave)\nHey give 'em our best though.\n\nGEORGE\n(quietly) Ya.\n\nJERRY\n(walking over toward George and the\ndoor) I'll call you later.\n\nGEORGE\nYa.\n\n(George tries to open the door hand slips then he exits; Jerry\nmakes sure the door is closed)\n\nJERRY\nSo what plans do you have?\n\nMORTY\nNone\n\nJERRY\nSo how come you're not going over there\nfor dinner?\n\nHELEN\nJerry we don't care much for the Costanzas'.\n\nMORTY\nWe can't stand them.\n\nJERRY\nReally? Since when?\n\nHELEN\nSince always. We've never liked them.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nHELEN\nWell they're so loud, they're always\nfighting it's uncomfortable, you never\nnotice?\n\nJERRY\nNo I notice but they're from your age\ngroup I didn't know you could detect\nabnormal behavior among your own kind.\n\nMORTY\nWell we do.\n\n(Buzzer; Jerry goes over to answer it)\n\nJERRY\nYa?\n\n(Elaine and Aaron are heard laughing on the Intercom)\n\nELAINE\nIt's us.\n\nJERRY\nU-oh come on up. (buzzes them up) It's\nElaine you don't have a problem with\nher do you?\n\nHELEN\nWe adore Elaine.\n\nJERRY\nShe wants to say hi, she's with her\nnew boyfriend.\n\nHELEN\nWhat's he like?\n\nJERRY\nHe's nice, bit of a close talker.\n\nHELEN\nA what?\n\nJERRY\nYou'll see. (pause) Boy, I had no idea\nyou felt this way about the Costanzas'\n\nHELEN\nThey're exhausting it's like being in\nan Asylum.\n\n(Elaine and Aaron enter)\n\nEVERYONE\nHi.\n\nMORTY\nHello Elaine\n\n(Morty and Helen give Elaine a hug)\n\nELAINE\nThis is Aaron.\n\nHELEN\nHello Aaron\n\nMORTY\nHello.\n\nAARON\n(getting up in Helen's face) So how\nlong you folks in town?\n\nHELEN\nOh, three more days, three more days\nthen we're off to Paris.\n\nAARON\nAh\n\nMORTY\nWe're going with a select charter group.\n\nAARON\nI love France, (moving over to Morty's\nface) I was just there last year. In\nfact, you know I still have an envelope\nfull of French Franks, I'll give 'em\nto ya.\n\nHELEN\nWe can't take money.\n\nAARON\nOh, no, it's a gift. (looking toward\nElaine) from us.\n\nELAINE\nOh, that is soo nice (very elaborate\nnice) Aaron. Isn't he nice? (to Helen)\nSo listen has Jerry been showin' you\na good time?\n\nJERRY\nNo I haven't.\n\nAARON\nYou know (to Morty) I have a friend\nwho works at the Metropolitan Museum\nof Art. How would you like a behind\nthe scenes tour?\n\nHELEN\n(grabbing Aaron) Really, you could do\nthat?\n\nAARON\n(up in Helen's face) Easily\n\nHELEN\nI wouldn't be any trouble?\n\nAARON\n(gets closer) Of course not.\n\nHELEN\nWhen would we go?\n\nAARON\nHow about right now?\n\nMORTY\nI'm ready\n\nHELEN\nAre you sure?\n\nAARON\nYes.\n\nHELEN\nOk, let me get my coat.\n\n(Helen goes to get her coat)\n\nAARON\n(walking over to Elaine and getting\ninto her face) Elaine what do you say?\n\nELAINE\nW-well I don't think so Aaron, uh, I\nhave plans.\n\nAARON\nOh. (getting into Jerry's face) How\nabout you Jerry?\n\nJERRY\nI'm swamped.\n\nAARON\nYou sure? You could examine the art\nwork up close.\n\nJERRY\nMaybe I'll try and catch up with you.\n\nELAINE\n(under her breath) Ya that'll happen)\n\nAARON\n(Moving toward the door) Alright. We're\noff.\n\n(Aaron, Helen and Morty heading out the door)\n\nMORTY\nOk, bye.\n\nHELEN & AARON\nBye.\n\nJERRY\nOk buh bye. Have a good time.\n\nELAINE\nBye.\n\nAARON\nSee everybody later (Morty and Helen\nleave; Aaron closes the door blowing\nElaine a kiss)\n\nJERRY\nOk.\n\nELAINE\nWhy would he ask your parents to go\nto a museum?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know.\n\nELAINE\nWhat is that?\n\nJERRY\nMaybe he was just trying to be nice.\n\nELAINE\nHave you ever heard of anyone doing\nanything like this?\n\nJERRY\nWait a second, he just did me a big\nfavor.\n\n(Jerry walks over to the couch sits down and picks up the phone)\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\n(dialing) He got em out of the house.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nCall Rachel.\n\nELAINE\nOh.\n\nJERRY\n(on the phone) ah no, I got the machine.\nRachel! Are you there?! I got the place\nto myself for a few hours! Rachel! Where\nare you? Rachel! (hangs up the phone\nvery disappointed)\n\nELAINE\n(putting on lipstick) Sorry pal, wish\nI could help you out.\n\n(Elaine kisses at Jerry; Jerry looks at her in disgust)\n\n(Costanza House)\n\nFRANK\nThey're not coming?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, they had plans.\n\nESTELLE\nHow could they have plans?\n\nGEORGE\nThat's what I wanna know.\n\nFRANK\nWell what difference does it make? They\nwouldn't lie to us, they're are dear\nfriends.\n\nESTELLE\nWhat am I supposed to do with all this\nPaella?\n\nGEORGE\nThey said tomorrow, maybe.\n\nFRANK\nMaybe?\n\nESTELLE\nMaybe they don't like us.\n\nFRANK\nWhy wouldn't they like us? (tastes the\nPaella; disgusted) Again with the pepper?\nWhat do you gotta use all the pepper\nfor?\n\nESTELLE\nAh keep quiet.\n\nFRANK\nWhat are you trying to set my mouth\non fire?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know what the reason could be.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\n(Morty, Helen and Aaron enter)\n\nJERRY\n(disappointed) Oh, Hi, hi.\n\nAARON\nAh Jerry you would not believe the time\nwe had.\n\nHELEN\nAaron is quite the tour guide.\n\nMORTY\nJerry have you ever seen any of those\nimpressionist paintings?\n\nJERRY\nOh sure like Monet.\n\nMORTY\nDon't you think he had to be uh near\nsighted? I mean nobody would paint like\nthat if they could see. It's all out\nof focus.\n\nJERRY\nWell he's from the impressionist school,\nyou know like Monet, Manet, Tippi Tippi\nDayday.\n\nMORTY\nI say the guy was painting without his\nglasses.\n\n(phone rings)\n\nJERRY\n(answering phone) Hello? Rachel, ya\nuh no they're back.\n\nHELEN\nJerry if you have something to do we\ncould just sit right here and read.\n\nJERRY\nUh haha ya well uh I'm sorry too I'll\ncall you later, ok bye (hangs phone\nup)\n\nAARON\nWell I should be going.\n\nHELEN\nOh thanks again.\n\nAARON & HELEN\nBuh bye.\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nAARON\nOh you must be Kramer (advances on Kramer\nto close to his face Kramer walks back\ninto the fridge to avoid him and falls\nto the ground) I've heard about you.\n\nKRAMER\nYou must be Aaron, I've heard about\nyou.\n\nAARON\n(Laughing) Well see you later.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nAARON\n(leaving) Bye\n\nJERRY\nBye\n\nKRAMER\nSo uh what are you guys doing for dinner?\n\nHELEN\nWe have no plans.\n\nMORTY\n(noticing Kramer's coat) Look at that,\nHelen do you see what he's wearing?\nThat's the Executive.\n\nKRAMER\nNow what is Executive?\n\nJERRY\nThe belt-less trench coat. My father\ninvented it.\n\nMORTY\nI sure did. Raincoats were my business.\nThe Executive was a classic, these haven't\nbeen made in twenty years.\n\nHELEN\nWhy would they? Nobody bought them then.\n\nMORTY\nHe's wearing one.\n\nKRAMER\nYea these are a hot item over at Rudy's.\n\nMORTY\nYou don't say? You know I have boxes\nof those sitting in my garage in Florida?\n\nKRAMER\nGet 'em up here. You give me twenty-five\npercent I-I'll take care of everything.\n\nMORTY\nYou gotta deal.\n\n(Kramer and Morty shake hands)\n\nKRAMER\nYaaaa.\n\nJERRY\nThis is like the meeting of Smith and\nWesson.\n\nMORTY\nI'll call Jack Klompus, he's got a key\nto the garage. He can send them overnight\ndelivery.\n\nHELEN\nYou're gonna first start shipping boxes?\nWe're leaving for Paris in three days.\n\nMORTY\nHe'll send them express.\n\nHELEN\nYou're crazy.\n\nMORTY\nI'll tell you how crazy I am, I'm gonna\npay for this whole trip with these coats.\n\nJERRY\nN-na I'm paying for the trip.\n\nMORTY\nSo much the better.\n\n(Monk's)\n\n(George and Alec are sitting at the booth closest to the door)\n\nGEORGE\nAnyway it's kind of a fluke thing but\nuh I'll be leaving for Paris in two\ndays. I will send you a postcard when\nI get there.\n\nALEC\nParis huh?\n\nGEORGE\nYea, ya..ya know I feel terrible about\nJoey but it's jus..it's a great business\nopportunity. I-I don't even know how\nlong I'm gonna be away for.\n\nALEC\nWhere will you stay?\n\nGEORGE\nAn apartment complex, the uh the Eiffel\nTowers. uumm Like I said uh you'll be\ngetting a postcard uh in a few days\nand again I'm sorry.\n\nALEC\nGeorge, you have no idea how fantastic\nthis is.\n\nGEORGE\nFantastic?\n\nALEC\nYa, we've been trying to reunite Joey\nwith his father who lives in Paris.\nBut he's afraid to fly alone, you know\nhe's kinda withdrawn, but he seems to\ntake to you. (George smiling in surprise)\nSo it's a perfect solution.\n\nGEORGE\nHow gee what a coincidence.\n\nALEC\nAnd you'll send me a postcard.\n\n(Elaine's Apartment)\n\n(Elaine and Aaron lying in bed)\n\nAARON\nHelen really seemed to respond to Renoir.\nI think she really connected to the\nway he painted children.\n\nELAINE\nMm hmm.\n\nAARON\nAnd that Morty, I'll tell ya that guy\nis full of life. (laughs) He was convinced\nMonet was near sighted. I kept telling\nhim\n\nELAINE\nAaron\n\nAARON\nYes?\n\nELAINE\nUh, let me ask you a question. How come\nyou asked Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld to go\nto the museum with you?\n\nAARON\nWell, they were in from out of town,\nI thought they would enjoy it.\n\nELAINE\nUhuh, um you didn't feel uncomfortable\nspending the whole day at the museum\nwith two complete strangers who were\nmore than twice your age?\n\nAARON\nNo, it was fun.\n\nELAINE\nYou had fun with Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld.\n\nAARON\nYea, they bought me a coke.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\n(Morty and Jerry are sitting at his table; Kramer is standing\nnext to Morty; Helen is getting the fold out sofa ready to sleep)\n\nKRAMER\nSo how'd you come up with the idea for\nthe belt-less trench coat?\n\nMORTY\nI came home one night, and I tripped\nover one of Jerry's toys. (Jerry smiling\npoints to himself and nods with cards\nin his hands) So I took out my belt\njust to threaten him, and I got a glimpse\nof myself in the mirror.\n\nKRAMER\nHow serendipitous.\n\nMORTY\nSo that night I cut off the loops and\nthe Executive was born.\n\nKRAMER\nMmm\n\nJERRY\nHe also came up with an idea for a brimless\nrain-hat but that never materialized.\n(to Morty) Alright come on let's play.\n\nKRAMER\nDid you call Jack Klompus yet?\n\nMORTY\nI haven't been able to reach him. Hey\nI'll call him right now.\n\nJERRY\nAh come on.\n\nMORTY\nJust a second. (Goes to grab the phone)\n\nHELEN\nJerry have you seen Schindler's List?\n\nJERRY\nNo I haven't seen it yet.\n\nHELEN\nOh you have to go you have to\n\nJERRY\nI'm going\n\nHELEN\nYou have to\n\nJERRY\nOk\n\nMORTY\n(on the phone) Hello Jack.\n\n(Jack in Florida)\n\nJACK\nYa\n\nMORTY\nIt's Morty\n\nJACK\nWho died?\n\nMORTY\nNobody died. Jack I want you to do me\na big favor. (Jerry holding up some\ncards looking at his father) In my garage\nthere are a couple of boxes.\n\nJACK\nWhat boxes?\n\nMORTY\nI'm gonna explain what boxes.\n\nJACK\nAlright how the hell do I know?\n\nMORTY\nAnyway there are these three big boxes,\nyou can't miss them. I want you to ship\nthem here to New York for me.\n\nJACK\nI thought you're going to Paris\n\nMORTY\nI'm still going to Paris. I got a big\ndeal cooking here.\n\nJACK\nWhat's in the boxes?\n\nMORTY\nRaincoats.\n\nJACK\nRaincoats? (Doris sighs) You think you're\ngonna sell those old crappy raincoats?\nThat's garbage.\n\nHELEN\nI guarantee you Doris is not letting\nhim mail those boxes.\n\nJACK\nWhen do you want these?\n\nMORTY\nSend them tomorrow.\n\n(Costanza House)\n\n(George, Estelle and Frank are sitting at the table for breakfast\nall still in what they slept in)\n\nESTELLE\nYou think they're coming tonight?\n\nGEORGE\nI dunno they said maybe.\n\nFRANK\nOf course they're coming, they're leaving\nsoon. If they don't come tonight they\nmight not see us.\n\nESTELLE\nWell they better come, I got all this\nPaella.\n\nFRANK\nI admire Morty and Helen going to France.\nWe should take a trip, maybe a cruise.\n\nGEORGE\nYes a cruise, a long cruise, just the\ntwo of you.\n\nESTELLE\nGeorgie what were you doing poking around\nthe attic last night?\n\nGEORGE\nI-I wasn't in the attic.\n\nESTELLE\nI heard noise.\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe it was a mouse.\n\nFRANK\n(jumping to his feet) OK that's it!\nWe're moving!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nFRANK\nI will not tolerate infestation.\n\nGEORGE\nYou haven't even seen one.\n\nFRANK\nDon't you understand the very thought,\nthe very idea, I'll never be comfortable\nagain.\n\nESTELLE\nAll right Frank that's enough.\n\n(Frank sits back down)\n\n(Rudy's Antique Boutique)\n\n(Rudy is checking out the clothes)\n\nGEORGE\nI guess I've been hanging on to them\nfor so long cuz i couldn't accept the\nfact that Dad was really gone forever\n(hugs a piece of clothing)\n\nRUDY\nUh huh.\n\nGEORGE\nThey will get a good home won't they?\n\nRUDY\nLook I gotta be honest with you there's\nnothing here too spectacular.\n\nGEORGE\nOh I beg to differ. My father took great\npride in his appearance, he was a very\nhandsome man, a Casanova really.\n\nRUDY\nI'll give you uh two-hundred dollars\nfor the three boxes.\n\nGEORGE\nCould you make it two-twenty-five that\nwas his hi-game in bowling.\n\nRUDY\nYea I'm in a good mood here.\n\nGEORGE\nThank you.\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, George what are you doing here?\n\nGEORGE\nUh, I'm just selling some of Dad's things,\n(looking into Kramer's eyes) that's\nwhat he would have wanted.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I gotcha (clicks)\n\nGEORGE\n(leaving) That'll do.\n\nKRAMER\nOh hey guess what. Morty Seinfeld and\nI are going into business together,\nselling raincoats.\n\nGEORGE\nHey that's swell.\n\nKRAMER\nYea we worked it out all over dinner\nlast night.\n\nGEORGE\nDinner? (grabs Kramer)\n\nKRAMER\nYa.\n\nGEORGE\nYou had dinner with the Seinfelds?\n\nKRAMER\nYea, last night.\n\nGEORGE\nWas this something you had planned for\na while?\n\nKRAMER\nNo it was a spur of the moment. Well\nyou know Morty likes to fly by the seat\nof his vintage pants.\n\nGEORGE\n(hurriedly leaves Rudy's) They had plans,\nThey had plans!\n\nKRAMER\nOooo, boy I've never seen these before\n(looking at the clothes George just\nsold Rudy)\n\nRUDY\nWell they just came in, part of my spring-time\ncruise collection. Two for twenty-five\ndollars.\n\nKRAMER\nOh I'll take these.\n\nRUDY\nAll right\n\nKRAMER\nHey, remember this raincoat that you\nsold me?\n\nRUDY\nSure that's the Executive.\n\nKRAMER\nYa, you have any others?\n\nRUDY\nI wish. They don't make 'em anymore.\n\nKRAMER\nSuppose I told you I had fifty in mint\ncondition, would you be interested?\n\nRUDY\nVery interested\n\nKRAMER\nCuz they're coming in from Florida as\nwe speak.\n\nRUDY\nWell bring 'em in.\n\nKRAMER\nSo you'll buy them?\n\nRUDY\nI don't see what would possibly stop\nme.\n\n(Out of one of the boxes George sold Rudy flies a couple of moths\nas the scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\n(George enters)\n\nGEORGE\nAaaa (looking around for Jerry) aaaa\n(finds Jerry) Ah ha. They had plans\nhuh? They were busy. They were busy\nwith their (doing a little dance to\nmake the plans seem all that important)\nbig plans!\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nGEORGE\nMom and Pop Seinfeld\n\nJERRY\nLook I don't know.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right I happen to know what they\ndid last night, they had dinner with\nKramer.\n\nJERRY\nOh they were tired it was a last minute\nthing.\n\nGEORGE\nSo what's the deal they don't want to\nhave dinner with my parents?\n\nJERRY\nThat's right.\n\nGEORGE\nIs there something wrong with my parents?\n\nJERRY\nAbsolutely\n\nGEORGE\nBecause my parents happen to be two\npretty wonderful people.\n\nJERRY\nThese the people you currently live\nwith?\n\nGEORGE\nYes.\n\nJERRY\nUh huh\n\nGEORGE\nSo are they coming tonight or not?\n\nJERRY\nLook I really don't know what they're\nplans are.\n\nGEORGE\nOk, fine. It's going to be very interesting,\nvery interesting if they don't show\nup tonight. You know my mother made\nall this Paella.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is that anyway?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's a Spanish dish. It's a m\u00e9lange\nof fish, an meat with rice. Very tasty.\n\nJERRY\nI-I'll tell 'em\n\nGEORGE\nHey could you do one other thing for\nme?\n\nJERRY\nName it.\n\nGEORGE\nYou think your parents would have any\nobjections to taking a little kid to\nParis with them? (Jerry looks at him\nconfused) It turns out that the kid's\nfather lives in Paris. (chuckling) Is\nthat a coincidence? (Jerry smiles) Eh\nyou know Alec wants me to take him over\nthere so I figure as long as they're\ngoing (claps)\n\nJERRY\nSo you thought as long as they're mailing\npostcards, it wouldn't be too much to\nask my parents to drag a child who they've\nnever seen, through the streets of Paris?\n\nGEORGE\n(pause) All right if you think it's\ntoo much they don't have to mail the\npostcards.\n\n(Elaine's Office)\n\n(Elaine at her desk; Joanna standing near the door)\n\nJOANNE\nSo where's he taking you?\n\nELAINE\nWell first we're going to a matinee,\nI'm taking the afternoon off, we're\ngonna go see \"My Fair Lady\" and they\nwe are gonna go to dinner. He knows\nall these fantastic places.\n\nJOANNE\nYou are one lucky girl. (Elaine laughs\nin happiness) Wish I could find a nice\nguy. (Joanne goes to leave; Aaron enters)\nHi Aaron.\n\nAARON\n(getting up in Aaron's face) Hey Joanne.\n(turns to Elaine and goes over to her)\nHey\n\nELAINE\n(already out from behind her desk goes\nto Aaron) Hi\n\n(Elaine and Aaron kiss)\n\n(Enter Helen)\n\nHELEN\nHello, Hello.\n\n(Enter Morty)\n\nMORTY\nHello Elaine\n\n(Morty gives Elaine a kiss; Elaine is in shock)\n\nAARON\nI was able to finagle two more tickets\nto \"My Fair Lady\" and I thought why\nnot ask Morty and Helen.\n\nELAINE\nOh, Great.\n\nMORTY\n(looking around) This is some office.\nWhat's the square footage?\n\nHELEN\nYou don't mind to you Elaine?\n\nELAINE\nMind? Oh o-of course not.\n\nAARON\nWe can make a whole day of it.\n\nMORTY\nThis is some building, Harry Fleming\nused to have an office here. There was\na deli on the first floor. You don't\nget corned beef like that anymore. What\nhappened to that deli?\n\nELAINE\n(somewhat annoyed) I really don't know\nMr. Seinfeld\n\n(Collection of Scenes with the music and singing from \"My Fair\nLady\" over them. First the matin\u00e9e where we see (from left to\nright) Helen, Morty, Elaine and Aaron. Morty opens a candy bar\ntakes a bite then offers it to Elaine then Aaron who takes it\nas the scene changes to the Cafe 123. At the restaurant we see\n(from left to right) Morty, Elaine, Helen and Aaron. Morty is\npointing at a painting while talking to Elaine then takes off\nhis glasses. Next George is seen getting ready to hop into a\ncab when Morty, Elaine, Aaron and Helen ride by in a horse drawn\ncarriage (Handsome Cab) drinking champagne. George then smacks\nthe top of the cab in disgust)\n\n(song from \"My Fair Lady\") \"I could have danced all night, I\ncould have danced all night, and still have begged for more.\nI could have spread my wings, and done a thousand things, I've\nnever done before. I never know what made it so exciting, but\nall at once my heart would fly\"\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\n(Jerry and Rachel making out on Jerry's couch)\n\nJERRY\n(stopping them) We better not. (they\nmake out some more; then stop) T-They're\ngonna be here any second.\n\nRACHEL\nWhen are they leaving?\n\nJERRY\nIn two days.\n\nRACHEL\nIt's been soo long.\n\nJERRY\nI know.\n\nRACHEL\nOk, it's only two more days.\n\n(They both run their hands through their hair)\n\nJERRY\nRight, Thursday three o'clock.\n\nMORTY\n(from outside the door; singing) I could\nhave danced all night (entering with\nHelen) I could have danced all night\nand still have\n\nHELEN\nOoh.\n\nJERRY\nOh Hi.\n\nHELEN\nWe didn't know you had company.\n\nJERRY\n(tucking in his shirt) Oh ya this is\nRachel.\n\nRACHEL\nHi.\n\nHELEN & MORTY\nHello Rachel.\n\nHELEN\nUh we'll come back another time.\n\nJERRY\nWhat other time?\n\nHELEN\nWhenever\n\nJERRY\nWhere you goin'?\n\nMORTY\nUh we'll drive around for a while.\n\nJERRY\nYou don't have a car.\n\nMORTY\nWe'll take a bus.\n\nJERRY\nCome on stop.\n\nHELEN\nNo we don't mind\n\nMORTY\nI'll get a book.\n\nRACHEL\nNo no it's ok, I was just leaving anyway.\n\nHELEN\nO-oh are you sure?\n\nRACHEL\nYea.\n\nHELEN\nCuz we don't wann..\n\nJERRY\n(interrupting) No no it's ok. (walking\nRachel out) So we'll go see Schindler's\nList later right?\n\nRACHEL\nDefinitely\n\nJERRY\nOk.Uh\n\nRACHEL\n(going out the door) It's night meeting\nyou.\n\nHELEN\nNice meeting you.\n\nJERRY\nOk, see you later.\n\nMORTY\nBoy that was some show.\n\nJERRY\nWhat show?\n\nMORTY\n\"My Fair Lady\"\n\nJERRY\nWhen did you get tickets to see that?\n\nHELEN\nAaron surprised us, and Elaine came.\n\nJERRY\nOh (laughing) Elaine really? Well that\nsounds interesting.\n\nMORTY\nWe saw Regis Philbin get out of a limousine.\n\nJERRY\nOh.\n\nHELEN\nHe looks better on TV.\n\nJERRY\nOh\n\n(Phone rings)\n\nJERRY\n(answering phone) Hello?\n\n(Jack Klompus in Florida)\n\nJACK\nHello Jerry,\n\nJERRY\nYea.\n\nJACK\nIt's Jack Klompus.\n\nJERRY\nOh hi Jack.\n\nJACK\nSo when are you coming down to Florida\nagain?\n\nJERRY\nAs soon as is humanly possible.\n\nJACK\nYou know I still got that pen, the one\nthat writes upside down.\n\nJERRY\nYea yea ya I shoulda kept it.\n\nJACK\nSo uh where's your father?\n\nJERRY\nYa he's right here.\n\n(Jerry hands Morty the phone)\n\nMORTY\nYea\n\nJACK\nMorty, listen I can't get into the garage.\n\nMORTY\nWhat do you mean?\n\nJACK\nThere is something wrong with the key.\nThe key doesn't work\n\nMORTY\nYou gotta jiggle it a little bit. I\njiggled it. I jiggled it for fifteen\nminutes.\n\n(Doris enters the scene with Jack)\n\nDORIS\nTell him to come down here and get his\nown packages. You have nothing better\nto do then worry about his boxes.\n\nMORTY\nYou gotta pull on the knob as you turn\nit.\n\nJACK\nGet the hell outta here with your knob.\n\nDORIS\nWhat does he want from you?\n\nMORTY\nMy idiot son could open that garage\ndoor.\n\nJERRY\nWhat did I do?\n\nMORTY\nJust do it first thing tomorrow. I need\nit.\n\n(Jack is seen hanging up his phone)\n\nMORTY\nThey'll be here first thing Thursday\nmorning.\n\nHELEN\nThursday morning? You know we're leaving\nat three o'clock.\n\nJERRY\n(in a hurry) Yea you're leaving at three\no'clock.\n\nHELEN\nHow are you gonna get all this done\nin time?\n\nMORTY\nDon't worry about it.\n\nJERRY\n(in a hurry) Ya how you gonna get all\nthis done in time?\n\n(Costanza House)\n\n(George, Estelle and Frank all standing in the kitchen)\n\nGEORGE\nThey were drinking champagne in a buggy!\n\nFRANK\nFirst Kramer, then Elaine?\n\nGEORGE\nYea\n\nFRANK\nIt's a slap in the face.\n\nESTELLE\n(with her arms out in wonder) What did\nwe ever do to them? (George puts his\narms out and imitates Estelle as she\nmoves her arms up and down as she speaks)\nI want to know what we did them!\n\nFRANK\nWhat are they too good for us? A raincoat\nsalesman, I could buy and sell 'em like\nthat.\n\n(Frank leaves the kitchen and moves into the living room)\n\nESTELLE\nThe hell with them.\n\nGEORGE\n(in the threshold between the living\nroom and the kitchen) The thing that\nbothers me the most, is the lying.\n\n(George and Estelle move their way into the living room)\n\nFRANK\nLet's forget about it. We're going on\na beautiful vacation. (sits down in\nhis chair)\n\nGEORGE\n(sitting down) Vacation?\n\nFRANK\nYou're mother and I are planning on\ntaking a cruise.\n\n(Estelle is already sitting next to George on the couch)\n\nGEORGE\n(claps all happy) AH! (half hugs Estelle)\n\nFRANK\nBut I can't find any vacation clothes.\nThey were in the attic.\n\nGEORGE\nThe attic? Y-you haven't wore any of\nthose clothes for years.\n\nFRANK\nHow can I go on a cruise with out my\ncabana wear? I love those, those clothes.\n(Looks down yells) AH! (jumps out of\nhis chair) A mouse! I saw a mouse! (takes\noff into another room with glass doors\non it and shuts the door)\n\nGEORGE\n(picking up what Frank saw as a mouse)\nIt's the remote.\n\nFRANK\n(looking from the room; you can see\nhim through the glass) Where the hell\nare my clothes? I love those clothes.\n\n(Ally outside Rudy's)\n\n(Rudy has a gasoline bottle and is burning some clothes)\n\nRUDY\nLousy moth ridden crap.\n\n(Median Monologue)\n\nI-I-I'm not crazy about used clothes. I mean they call it vintage,\nyou know to take your mind off of what it really is 'nasty wear.'\nOh it's clean you know people wear underwear, ya well they don't\nwear iron underwear and that's what it's gonna take to get me\nin those clothes. I mean I'll move into an apartment after a\nstrange person moves out, why would I wanna move into somebody's\npants? There is no vintage underwear of course, but it's not\nbecause the guy couldn't sell his underwear, it's because men\nwear their underwear until it absolutely disintegrates. Men hang\non to underwear until, until each individual underwear molecule\nis so strained it can barely retain the properties of a solid.\nIt actually becomes underwear vapor. W-we don't even throw it\nout, we just open a window and it goes out like dandelion spoors.\nThat's how men throw out underwear we just go (blows on the mic)\nand it's gone that it is jus.\n\nSchindler's List)\n\n(Schindler's List is playing as Jerry and Rachel are making out.\nNewman is then seen disgusted by this display)\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\n(Jerry Enters; Morty and Helen are sitting at the table with\na map out)\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nMORTY\nHey, Jerry.\n\nHELEN\nSo how was the movie?\n\nJERRY\nOh, really good, really good.\n\nHELEN\nAnd didn't the three hours go by just\nlike that (snaps her fingers)\n\nJERRY\nLike that (snaps his fingers)\n\nMORTY\nWhat about the end, with the list?\n\nJERRY\nYa that was some list.\n\nHELEN\nWhat did you think about the black and\nwhite?\n\nJERRY\n(confused) The black and white.\n\nMORTY\nThe whole movie was in black and white.\n\nJERRY\nOh yea, I didn't even realize.\n\nMORTY\nYou don't even think about it, there's\nso much going on.\n\nJERRY\nYa ya, I tell ya I could see it again.\n\n(Rudy's Antique Boutique)\n\nKRAMER\nSo Klompus has the key, but the jerk\ncouldn't open it up. All you gotta do\nit jiggle it (has is hand out jiggling)\njus get it in there (jiggling making\na bunch of noises) jigg jigg jiggle\nreiggle\n\nRUDY\nLook, I find this whole thing very uninteresting.\nWhen you get the coats come in.\n\nKRAMER; Ya hey I'm on your side.\n\n(George enters)\n\nKRAMER\nHey what again?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm trying to buy some of the clothes\nback. (realizing something) Hey you\nwanna come over for dinner tonight?\nMy mother made all this extra Paella.\n\nKRAMER\nPayaya, ya I'll be there.\n\nGEORGE\nApparently the Seinfelds' are too good\nfor us. I shouldn't say anything bad\nabout your uh your partner.\n\nKRAMER\nNo no you know we're not partners. I\nonly get twenty-five percent.\n\nGEORGE\nTwenty-five percent? It was your idea.\n\nKRAMER\nYap I know.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're doing all the leg work.\n\nKRAMER\nThat's right\n\nGEORGE\nHe's ripping you off\n\nKRAMER\nYou're right he's ripping me off\n\nGEORGE\nIf anybody should be getting more it's\nyou.\n\nKRAMER\nHe's ripping me off\n\nGEORGE\nWell don't let him take advantage of\nyou like that.\n\nKRAMER\nYAH! (exits)\n\nRUDY\n(coming out of the back-room noticing\nGeorge) Oh it's you? You're the one\nwho sold me the moth ridden cabana crap.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\n(Morty coming out of the bathroom)\n\nMORTY\nYou know I've been thinking, why is\nKramer getting twenty-five percent?\n\nHELEN\nWell he told you about the place.\n\nMORTY\nSo what, why is that worth twenty-five\npercent? It's a finders fee. You know\nwhat a finders fee is?\n\nHELEN\nYou find something you get a fee.\n\nMORTY\nFinder's fee is ten percent and no more.\n\nHELEN\nWell it's too late now.\n\nMORTY\nThose are my coats. I saved them, I\nstored them, I've been waiting years\nfor this pay off.\n\nHELEN\nWell you're not gonna say anything.\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nI've been thinking about something.\n\nMORTY\nYa so have I\n\nKRAMER\nAhh! I don't think the deal is fair.\n\nMORTY\nYou don't think it's fair.\n\nKRAMER\nNo no, I found the place, I set the\nwhole thing up, I'm doing all the leg\nwork.\n\nMORTY\nWhat leg work?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, there's leg work.\n\nMORTY\nIf anything you're getting too much.\n\nKRAMER\nToo much?!\n\nMORTY\nThat's right, they're my coats.\n\nKRAMER\nLook I want thirty-five percent.\n\nMORTY\nI'm thinking more like fifteen.\n\nKRAMER\nNo way I'm taking fifteen.\n\nMORTY\nWell you're not getting thirty-five.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright let's compromise. Twenty-five\npercent.\n\nMORTY\nOk it's a deal\n\n(They shack hands.)\n\n(Rudy's Antique Boutique)\n\nRUDY\nMoths are a discourage to my business,\nall it takes is one moth to lay eggs.\nYou know what happens to the larvae?\nThey hatch and they're everywhere.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm sorry, umm he-here's your money\nback (gives Rudy the money back) I-I-I'll\nhave the clothes.\n\nRUDY\n(counting the money to make sure it's\nall there) It's already put a dent in\nmy fumigation bill.\n\nGEORGE\nSo uh where are the clothes?\n\nRUDY\nI burned 'em.\n\nGEORGE\nOh. That's good.\n\n(Monk's)\n\n(Jerry and Elaine sitting in the booth)\n\nELAINE\nN-I know they're your parents Jerry\nan' they're very nice people. But don't\nyou think it's odd, that a thirty-five\nyear old man is going to these lengths\nto see that someone else's parents are\nenjoying themselves? I mean don't you\nfind that abnormal?\n\nJERRY\nIt is a tad askew.\n\nELAINE\nI mean they're your parents and you\ndon't do anything. So why is this stranger\ndoing it?\n\nJERRY\nI've hardly been out to dinner with\nthem.\n\nELAINE\nSee, See, I can't even say anything\nyou know because all he's really doing\nis being nice but but nobody is this\nnice, this is like certifiably nice.\n\nJERRY\nYou're right he's insane.\n\nELAINE\nYes, he's insane, that's what I think.\n\nJERRY\nSo what are you going to do?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know, I don't know what to do.\n(sighs) Oh god.... so how was the movie?\n\nJERRY\nUh from what I saw it was pretty good.\n\nELAINE\nYa what do you mean from what you saw?\n\nJERRY\nWell I um I didn't ah actually get to\nsee the whole movie.\n\nELAINE\nYea why not?\n\nJERRY\nI was kind of um (pauses) making out.\n\nELAINE\n(thinks for a second) You were making,\nout during Schindler's List?\n\nJERRY\nI couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone\nin a long time, it just got the better\nof me.\n\nELAINE\nDuring Schindler's List?\n\nJERRY\n(trying to justify it) We're both living\nwith our parents.\n\nELAINE\nDid anybody see you? Did anyone say\nanything?\n\nJERRY\nNo I don't think so. I saw Newman as\nI was leaving but see me.\n\nELAINE\nOh.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\n(A knock at the door prior to the reveal of Jerry's apartment;\nMorty is sitting at the table Helen closes the refrigerator to\nanswer the door; Newman is revealed in his full Newman)\n\nNEWMAN\nHello Mrs. Seinfeld\n\nHELEN\n(like Jerry) Hello, Newman. Jerry's\nnot here. (goes to shut the door on\nhim)\n\nNEWMAN\nUh ah (stops her from closing the door;\nwalks in) Having a nice trip? (walks\nover, grabs a junior mint, smells it\nthen puts it in his pocket)\n\nHELEN\nWonderful, we went to the theater last\nnight.\n\nNEWMAN\nOh the theater. Because I was wondering.\n\nHELEN\nWondering what?\n\nNEWMAN\nWhy I didn't see you at Schindler's\nList with Jerry.\n\nHELEN\nWell we already saw it.\n\nNEWMAN\nOh, well it's a good thing for Jerry\nthat you didn't go.\n\nMORTY\n(getting up from the table and coming\nover) Why is that?\n\nNEWMAN\nWell he really seemed to have his hands\nfull if you know what I mean.\n\nHELEN\nI'm afraid I don't.\n\nNEWMAN\nHim and his little buxom friend Rachel\nwere going at it pretty good in the\nbalcony.\n\nMORTY\nWhat?\n\nNEWMAN\nWhat, do I have to spell it out for\nya? He was moving on her like the storm-troopers\ninto Poland.\n\nHELEN\nJerry was necking during Schindler's\nList?\n\nNEWMAN\nYes! A more offensive spectacle I cannot\nrecall. Anyway I just really came up\nto get some detergent.\n\nHELEN\nJerry sends his laundry out.\n\nNEWMAN\n(laughing) Oh ho right. Well very nice\nseeing you folks and a by the way you\ndidn't hear this from me. Tata (runs\ndown the hallway laughing)\n\n(Helen closes the door and looks at Morty in disgust)\n\n(Jerry's Apartment-Later that day)\n\n(Jerry enters; Morty is sitting on the couch writing, Helen is\nin the bathroom)\n\nJERRY\nHi (takes off his coat and puts it on\nthe counter at which point his parents\nare both right by him as he goes into\nthe refrigerator. He grabs a drink then\nturns around to see his parents right\nthere) What? What did I do?\n\nHELEN\nHow could you?\n\nJERRY\nHow could I what?\n\nHELEN\nYou were making out during Schindler's\nList?\n\nJERRY\nWhat? No.\n\nMORTY\nDon't lie Jerry.\n\nJERRY\n(turns) Newman.\n\nHELEN\nHow could you do such a thing?\n\nJERRY\nI couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone\ntogether in a long time and we just\nkinda started up a little during the\ncoming attractions and the next thing\nwe knew, the war was over.\n\n(Morty and Helen both sigh and turn to go back to what they were\ndoing; Phone rings)\n\nJERRY\n(answering the phone) Hello.\n\n(Jack in Florida with a bandage on his right hand)\n\nJACK\nHello Jerry, it's Jack Klompus.\n\nJERRY\nHang on a second. (handing Morty the\nphone) Dad it's Klompus.\n\nMORTY\nHello\n\nJACK\nHello Morty, listen that key doesn't\nwork. It's no good.\n\nMORTY\nYou didn't get in?\n\nJACK\nOh I got in, I had to break the window\nwith a rock and then I got my hand all\ncut up reaching in.\n\nMORTY\nYou broke the window?\n\nHELEN\nHe broke the window?\n\nJACK\nYou wanted those damn boxes didn't you?\n\nDORIS\n(off camera) He should be on his hands\nand knees thanking you.\n\nMORTY\nDid you send them?\n\nJACK\nYea, they'll be there tomorrow afternoon,\ntwo o'clock.\n\nMORTY\nTomorrow afternoon?\n\nHELEN\nTomorrow afternoon?\n\nJERRY\nTomorrow afternoon?\n\nMORTY\nI told you to send them express.\n\nJACK\nW-well it was ten dollars cheaper in\nthe afternoon than the morning, I figured\nwhat the hell's the difference.\n\nMORTY\nSo what did you do about the window?\n\nJACK\nI gotta fix your window now?\n\nMORTY\nAll right all right. Goodbye. (Morty\nhangs up the phone, Jack hangs up the\nphone) I don't think we are gonna make\nthat flight.\n\nJERRY\nW-what do you mean you're not making\nthe flight?\n\nHELEN\nWe have to make the flight, we're with\na charter group. If we don't the trip\nis off.\n\nMORTY\nWell what's the difference we'll go\nsome place else.\n\n(Jerry annoyed walks toward his room)\n\nHELEN\nSome place else? What about Paris?\n\nMORTY\nYou don't understand, I've come this\nfar, I can't stop now.\n\nHELEN\nI can't believe that you're doing all\nthis just to sell some stupid raincoats.\n\nMORTY\nYou don't understand fashion is cyclical\nthis thing could come back.\n\nHELEN\nI think you're out of your mind.\n\n(Costanza House)\n\nFRANK\nI just don't understand how all those\nclothes can disappear.\n\nGEORGE\nMoths?\n\nFRANK\nMoths, ate three boxes?\n\nGEORGE\nWell you know what happens with larvae\nhatch, they-they're everywhere.\n\nESTELLE\nYou know, I was thinking today. I never\nliked those Seinfelds anyway, he's an\nidiot all together. (Knocking at the\ndoor) Ah there's Kramer.\n\n(Estelle goes to answer the door)\n\nKRAMER\n(from outside) Hello?\n\nESTELLE\nHello\n\nKRAMER\n(still outside) Helowwwowwow (Estelle\nopens the door) Hey (kisses Estelle\nhello) Ha ha, Good evening (George waves)\n\nESTELLE\nHope you're hungry. (goes into the kitchen)\n\nKRAMER\nOoo Paella\n\nGEORGE\nHey uh let me take you're coat.\n\nKRAMER\n(giving George his coat) Oh ya thanks\nbuddy.\n\nFRANK\nThat shirt, where'd you get that shirt?\n\nKRAMER\nWha?\n\nFRANK\nThat's my cabana shirt, you stole my\nshirt you son of a bitch! (really fast)\nGeorge you let your friends go up in\nmy attic and steal my clothes? (grabbing\nat the shirt) Gimme that back\n\nKRAMER\n(trying to get away) woah\n\nGEORGE\nDad?!\n\nKRAMER\n(laughs as Frank ends up tickling him;\ngets away) I bought it from Rudy.\n\nGEORGE\nRudy?! That skunk, I knew he didn't\nburn those clothes.\n\nFRANK\nWho's Rudy? What clothes?\n\nGEORGE\nI sold your clothes yesterday.\n\nFRANK\nYou sold my clothes (smacks George on\nthe forehead) what do you mean you sold\nmy clothes?\n\nGEORGE\nI didn't think you wore them anymore.\n\nFRANK\nIt's cruise wear!\n\nESTELLE\nKramer, I love that shirt.\n\nKRAMER\nYaya\n\nFRANK\nTHAT'S BECAUSE IT'S MINE!!\n\nESTELLE\nYou look just like Frank, on our honeymoon.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, well, thank you.\n\n(Estelle giggles)\n\nFRANK\nWho's this Rudy?\n\nKRAMER\nWell Rudy's the guy buying Morty's raincoats.\n\nFRANK\nMory Seinfeld? He's a bum.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, the whole deal going down tomorrow.\nMorty's gonna miss his plane for it.\n\nGEORGE\nMissing his plane? Wasn't that a charter\nflight?\n\nKRAMER\nYea.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat happens to charter tickets when\nyou don't use em?\n\nKRAMER\nWell I suppose they are wasted.\n\nGEORGE\nYes I suppose they are.\n\nFRANK\nTomorrow I'm going straight down to\nthis Rudy and get my clothes.\n\nKRAMER\nA mouse!\n\n(Frank starts making noises; Kramer and Frank both run to the\nother room where they get stuff in between the door and wall;\nFrank hits Kramer to get him in then closes the door)\n\n(Monk's)\n\n(Jerry and George enter)\n\nJERRY\nYou want the tickets?\n\nGEORGE\nYes.\n\nJERRY\nYou're gonna take this kid to Paris?\n\nGEORGE\nHey I get a free trip to Paris, I go\nin the Big Brother's Hall-of-Fame, I\nmail my own postcards.\n\nJERRY\nYou know I'm paying for these tickets.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's alright, I got lunch.\n\n(Airport)\n\n(Kramer, Morty and Jerry standing at a luggage carousel)\n\nKRAMER\nOh, you should have gone to the Costanzas'\nfor dinner. Mmm the Payaya was magnificent.\nHave you ever had really good Paella?\n\nMORTY\nNot really.\n\nKRAMER\nOh it's a orgiastic feast for the senses.\nThe want and the festival, the sites,\nsounds, and colors an mmmummumm mumm\n\nJERRY\nHey Dad are you sure we are at the right\ncarousel?\n\nMORTY\nThis is it.\n\nKRAMER\nSo how much are we gonna make?\n\nMORTY\nTake it easy, I've been through a million\nof these negotiations.\n\nKRAMER\nWha two thousand? Three thousand?\n\nMORTY\nThat's giving it away. This is a one\nof a kind item.\n\nKRAMER\nMore? More than three thousand?\n\nMORTY\nJust watch me do my thing.\n\nJERRY\nSay Dad, (pointing at a raincoat sitting\non the carousel next to an open box)\nisn't that one of yours?\n\nMORTY\nLook at this. Look at how this idiot\npacked it. He didn't tape it, he just\nflipped the flaps. (Kramer, Morty and\nJerry are looking around grabbing raincoats\nwhich are scattered all over the place.)\nKramer you missed a couple.\n\nWOMAN\nBon-jour, welcome to the Gateway to\nParis Charter Flight.\n\nJERRY\n(turns around noticing the Charter flight)\nDad isn't that your charter group?\n\n(George and Joey enter the scene getting in line for the Charter\nFlight)\n\nGEORGE\nHonesty, hard-work, these are the values\nthat I was raised on. The most important\nthing Joey, is to be able to look yourself\nin the mirror before you go to sleep\nat night.\n\nJOEY\nHey! I got news for you four eyes, there's\nno way you're staying with us in Paris.\n\n(Joey walks by George to board the plane and puts his Gum on\nthe wall.)\n\n(Rudy's Antique Boutique)\n\nFRANK\nYou burned them? Those clothes are not\nyours to burn.\n\nRUDY\nWho are you anyways?\n\nFRANK\nI'm the father.\n\nRUDY\nHe said his father was dead.\n\nFRANK\nHe said I was dead?\n\nRUDY\nThat's right. Squeezed an extra twenty-five\ndollars out of me.\n\nFRANK\nThat's what my life is worth to him?\nTwenty-five dollars.\n\n(Kramer and Morty enter with a bunch of raincoats)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Frank!\n\nFRANK\nOh, I just want to you know I'm retracting\nour dinner invitation.\n\nMORTY\nWell you don't have to retract it because\nwe never went.\n\nFRANK\nI'm retracting that it was ever offered.\n\nMORTY\nI retract your retraction.\n\nFRANK\nOh, you trying to unload some of that\njunk of yours?\n\nMORTY\nWould you excuse me please, we're conducting\nbusiness here.\n\nRUDY\nYou can keep your raincoats. I'm not\ninterested.\n\nKRAMER\nI thought we had a deal?\n\nFRANK\nThat's another one of my shirts!!\n\nRUDY\nI'm not buying anymore clothes from\nanyone off the street.\n\nMORTY\nWho's off the street? I'm in the raincoat\nbusiness for thirty-five years.\n\nRUDY\nYa how do I know there aren't moths\nlike his stuff?\n\nFRANK\nMy clothes don't have moths!\n\nMORTY\nBecause of his moths you're not buying\nmy raincoats?\n\nRUDY\nThat's right.\n\nKRAMER\n(laughing) I'm all ticklish. (a moth\nflies out of his shirt; they all look\nat it)\n\n(Airport)\n\n(Morty and Helen with a couple bags; Jerry, Elaine and Aaron\nsaying good-bye)\n\nANNOUNCEMENT\nFlight-433 now boarding for Miami, Gate\n18a. Flight-433 now boarding.\n\nMORTY\nOk, let's go.\n\nHELEN\n(to Aaron) It was so nice of you to\ncome to the airport to see us off.\n\nAARON\nAre you sure you can't stay a little\nlonger?\n\nELAINE & JERRY\nNO.\n\nMORTY\nAh, good-bye.\n\n(Jerry hugs Morty; Helen and Elaine give each other a kiss)\n\nELAINE\nGood-bye\n\nJERRY\nTake care\n\nMORTY\nAlright Jer.\n\n(Morty and Elaine hug; Jerry and Helen give each other a kiss)\n\nELAINE\nNice to see..\n\nMORTY\nBuh bye Elaine\n\nJERRY\nBuh bye.\n\nHELEN\nBuh bye.\n\n(Aaron torn by emotion moves in and gives Morty and Helen a hug\na hug)\n\nHELEN\n(looking at Jerry while being overly\nhugged by Aaron) We'll call you when\nwe get home.\n\nAARON\nThank you.\n\nJERRY\nI think she meant me, but.\n\nMORTY\nMake sure Kramer uses good tape when\nhe sends back the raincoats.\n\nJERRY\nOk.\n\n(Morty and Helen go to board the plane)\n\nELAINE\nBye.\n\nJERRY\nBye.\n\n(Aaron begins to follow them)\n\nELAINE\nAaron? Aaron are you ok?\n\nAARON\nI could've done more. I could've done\nso much more.\n\nELAINE\nYou did enough.\n\nAARON\n(turning toward her) No, I could've\ncalled the travel agency, got them on\nanother flight to Paris, I coulda got\nthem out.\n\nJERRY\nYou tried Aaron, it was too expensive.\n\nAARON\n(holds his arm up) This watch, this\nwatch could've paid for their whole\ntrip. (holds his other hand up) This\nring, this ring is one more dinner I\ncould've taken them out to. (Jerry and\nElaine look at each other like he's\ncrazy) Water, they need some water (turns\naround and runs to the Flight Agent)\n\nELAINE\nWhy?\n\nAARON\n(to the Flight Agent) They'll get dehydrated\non the plane! Get the Seinfelds some\nwater. Please! Please!\n\n(Jerry and Elaine continue to look at him funny)\n\n(Rachel's Parents' Place)\n\n(Jerry knocks on the door; Mr. Goldstein answers)\n\nJERRY\nHi Mr. Goldstein is Rachel home?\n\nMR. GOLDSTEIN\nI'm afraid Rachel's not going to be\nable to see you tonight, or any other\nnight for that matter.\n\nJERRY\nWhy what did I do?\n\nMR. GOLDSTEIN\n(Rachel is know seen behind her Dad)\nYou know very well. I heard about your\nbehavior at the movies the other night\nit was disgraceful. You should be ashamed\nof yourself, I for one will not allow\nmy daughter to be involved with someone\nof such weak moral fiber. Fortunately\nmy postman happened to have witnessed\nthe entire incident. A heavy set fellow,\nI believe he lives in your building.\n(Jerry turns to almost do a 'Newman')\nNow if you don't mind. (starts to close\nthe door)\n\nJERRY\nRachel!\n\nMR. GOLDSTEIN\n(closing the door on Jerry) Good night!\n\nJERRY\nRachel!\n\n(Monk's)\n\n(Jerry and Elaine at the normal booth)\n\nJERRY\nSo my parents get home, they open the\ndoor, my father flicks the light on,\nthe whole place is cleaned out, everything.\n\nELAINE\nAahh, (pushes Jerry from her seat at\nthe table) Get Out! How did it happen?\n\nJERRY\nThe broken window, Klompus never fixed\nit. They just walked right in.\n\nELAINE\nOohh, boy. They could use a vacation.\n\nJERRY\nYea they're taking one, the travel agent\nis trying to set something else up for\nthem.\n\nELAINE\n(sighs) So how about that Aaron?\n\nJERRY\nWhew\n\nELAINE\nYou know what drove me crazy about him?\nDid you ever notice that he stood too\nclose to you when he talked?\n\nJERRY\nNo I hadn't noticed.\n\n(Newman enters and walks by the table; Jerry doesn't notice him\nas he is getting something out of his coat pocket)\n\nNEWMAN\n(at the counter) Pair of bear claws\nplease.\n\nJERRY\n(hearing Newman turns and sees him)\nHiya Newman.\n\nNEWMAN\n(moving away from the counter getting\ncloser to the door) Hello Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nSay, I happened to catch you coming\nout of Schindler's List the other night.\n\nNEWMAN\nOhh, were you there?\n\nJERRY\nYes I was.\n\nNEWMAN\n(looking scared) I-it's a it's a...powerful\nfilm.\n\nJERRY\nYes, shocking brutality don't you think?\n\nNEWMAN\n(couple quick breaths) Shocking.\n\nJERRY\nYes, well that was nothing.\n\n(Newman makes a noise and takes off toward the door as Jerry\ngets up)\n\nNEWMAN\n(running out the door) Jerry! Jerry!\n\n(Jerry chases Newman right out the door)\n\n(Paris)\n\n(George is sitting at an outside eatery in France with Joey)\n\nGEORGE\nWhere the hell is your father?!\n\n(George smiles and waves at a girl sitting at another table;\nJoey puts some stuff on George's glasses)\n\n(Cruise ship out in the Ocean)\n\n(Estelle and Frank walking around on the boat)\n\nESTELLE\nThis is the best thing we ever did.\n\nFRANK\nI just hope those exterminators know\nwhat they're doing.\n\nESTELLE\nAh forget about them let's just...\n\n(Frank and Estelle run into Morty and Helen)\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nPersonal distance is a very important thing. There's a new personal\ndistance, ATM distance. When someone's using an ATM, you wanna\nbe about six feet back don't you? Because people a little edgy\naround that ATM don't they? They got their money out, their eyes\nare darting all around. The other place I wanna be about six\nfeet away is Urinals, you want some distance there too. ATMs\nand Urinals, I guess whenever someone's taking valuable out of\ntheir pants you want to give them as much room as possible.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Raincoats-Part-2.html",
    "text": "THE RAINCOATS PART 2\n\nWritten by\n\nTom Gammill, Max Pross, Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\n(Morty and Jerry are sitting at his table; Kramer is standing\nnext to Morty; Helen is getting the fold out sofa ready to sleep)\n\nKRAMER\nSo how'd you come up with the idea for\nthe belt-less trench coat?\n\nMORTY\nI came home one night, and I tripped\nover one of Jerry's toys. (Jerry smiling\npoints to himself and nods with cards\nin his hands) So I took out my belt\njust to threaten him, and I got a glimpse\nof myself in the mirror.\n\nKRAMER\nHow serendipitous.\n\nMORTY\nSo that night I cut off the loops and\nthe Executive was born.\n\nKRAMER\nMmm\n\nJERRY\nHe also came up with an idea for a brimless\nrain-hat but that never materialized.\n(to Morty) Alright come on let's play.\n\nKRAMER\nDid you call Jack Klompus yet?\n\nMORTY\nI haven't been able to reach him. Hey\nI'll call him right now.\n\nJERRY\nAh come on.\n\nMORTY\nJust a second. (Goes to grab the phone)\n\nHELEN\nJerry have you seen Schindler's List?\n\nJERRY\nNo I haven't seen it yet.\n\nHELEN\nOh you have to go you have to\n\nJERRY\nI'm going\n\nHELEN\nYou have to\n\nJERRY\nOk\n\nMORTY\n(on the phone) Hello Jack.\n\n(Jack in Florida)\n\nJACK\nYa\n\nMORTY\nIt's Morty\n\nJACK\nWho died?\n\nMORTY\nNobody died. Jack I want you to do me\na big favor. (Jerry holding up some\ncards looking at his father) In my garage\nthere are a couple of boxes.\n\nJACK\nWhat boxes?\n\nMORTY\nI'm gonna explain what boxes.\n\nJACK\nAlright how the hell do I know?\n\nMORTY\nAnyway there are these three big boxes,\nyou can't miss them. I want you to ship\nthem here to New York for me.\n\nJACK\nI thought you're going to Paris\n\nMORTY\nI'm still going to Paris. I got a big\ndeal cooking here.\n\nJACK\nWhat's in the boxes?\n\nMORTY\nRaincoats.\n\nJACK\nRaincoats? (Doris sighs) You think you're\ngonna sell those old crappy raincoats?\nThat's garbage.\n\nHELEN\nI guarantee you Doris is not letting\nhim mail those boxes.\n\nJACK\nWhen do you want these?\n\nMORTY\nSend them tomorrow.\n\n(Costanza House)\n\n(George, Estelle and Frank are sitting at the table for breakfast\nall still in what they slept in)\n\nESTELLE\nYou think they're coming tonight?\n\nGEORGE\nI dunno they said maybe.\n\nFRANK\nOf course they're coming, they're leaving\nsoon. If they don't come tonight they\nmight not see us.\n\nESTELLE\nWell they better come, I got all this\nPaella.\n\nFRANK\nI admire Morty and Helen going to France.\nWe should take a trip, maybe a cruise.\n\nGEORGE\nYes a cruise, a long cruise, just the\ntwo of you.\n\nESTELLE\nGeorgie what were you doing poking around\nthe attic last night?\n\nGEORGE\nI-I wasn't in the attic.\n\nESTELLE\nI heard noise.\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe it was a mouse.\n\nFRANK\n(jumping to his feet) OK that's it!\nWe're moving!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nFRANK\nI will not tolerate infestation.\n\nGEORGE\nYou haven't even seen one.\n\nFRANK\nDon't you understand the very thought,\nthe very idea, I'll never be comfortable\nagain.\n\nESTELLE\nAll right Frank that's enough.\n\n(Frank sits back down)\n\n(Rudy's Antique Boutique)\n\n(Rudy is checking out the clothes)\n\nGEORGE\nI guess I've been hanging on to them\nfor so long cuz i couldn't accept the\nfact that Dad was really gone forever\n(hugs a piece of clothing)\n\nRUDY\nUh huh.\n\nGEORGE\nThey will get a good home won't they?\n\nRUDY\nLook I gotta be honest with you there's\nnothing here too spectacular.\n\nGEORGE\nOh I beg to differ. My father took great\npride in his appearance, he was a very\nhandsome man, a Casanova really.\n\nRUDY\nI'll give you uh two-hundred dollars\nfor the three boxes.\n\nGEORGE\nCould you make it two-twenty-five that\nwas his hi-game in bowling.\n\nRUDY\nYea I'm in a good mood here.\n\nGEORGE\nThank you.\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, George what are you doing here?\n\nGEORGE\nUh, I'm just selling some of Dad's things,\n(looking into Kramer's eyes) that's\nwhat he would have wanted.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I gotcha (clicks)\n\nGEORGE\n(leaving) That'll do.\n\nKRAMER\nOh hey guess what. Morty Seinfeld and\nI are going into business together,\nselling raincoats.\n\nGEORGE\nHey that's swell.\n\nKRAMER\nYea we worked it out all over dinner\nlast night.\n\nGEORGE\nDinner? (grabs Kramer)\n\nKRAMER\nYa.\n\nGEORGE\nYou had dinner with the Seinfelds?\n\nKRAMER\nYea, last night.\n\nGEORGE\nWas this something you had planned for\na while?\n\nKRAMER\nNo it was a spur of the moment. Well\nyou know Morty likes to fly by the seat\nof his vintage pants.\n\nGEORGE\n(hurriedly leaves Rudy's) They had plans,\nThey had plans!\n\nKRAMER\nOooo, boy I've never seen these before\n(looking at the clothes George just\nsold Rudy)\n\nRUDY\nWell they just came in, part of my spring-time\ncruise collection. Two for twenty-five\ndollars.\n\nKRAMER\nOh I'll take these.\n\nRUDY\nAll right\n\nKRAMER\nHey, remember this raincoat that you\nsold me?\n\nRUDY\nSure that's the Executive.\n\nKRAMER\nYa, you have any others?\n\nRUDY\nI wish. They don't make 'em anymore.\n\nKRAMER\nSuppose I told you I had fifty in mint\ncondition, would you be interested?\n\nRUDY\nVery interested\n\nKRAMER\nCuz they're coming in from Florida as\nwe speak.\n\nRUDY\nWell bring 'em in.\n\nKRAMER\nSo you'll buy them?\n\nRUDY\nI don't see what would possibly stop\nme.\n\n(Out of one of the boxes George sold Rudy flies a couple of moths\nas the scene ends)\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\n(George enters)\n\nGEORGE\nAaaa (looking around for Jerry) aaaa\n(finds Jerry) Ah ha. They had plans\nhuh? They were busy. They were busy\nwith their (doing a little dance to\nmake the plans seem all that important)\nbig plans!\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nGEORGE\nMom and Pop Seinfeld\n\nJERRY\nLook I don't know.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right I happen to know what they\ndid last night, they had dinner with\nKramer.\n\nJERRY\nOh they were tired it was a last minute\nthing.\n\nGEORGE\nSo what's the deal they don't want to\nhave dinner with my parents?\n\nJERRY\nThat's right.\n\nGEORGE\nIs there something wrong with my parents?\n\nJERRY\nAbsolutely\n\nGEORGE\nBecause my parents happen to be two\npretty wonderful people.\n\nJERRY\nThese the people you currently live\nwith?\n\nGEORGE\nYes.\n\nJERRY\nUh huh\n\nGEORGE\nSo are they coming tonight or not?\n\nJERRY\nLook I really don't know what they're\nplans are.\n\nGEORGE\nOk, fine. It's going to be very interesting,\nvery interesting if they don't show\nup tonight. You know my mother made\nall this Paella.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is that anyway?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's a Spanish dish. It's a m\u00e9lange\nof fish, an meat with rice. Very tasty.\n\nJERRY\nI-I'll tell 'em\n\nGEORGE\nHey could you do one other thing for\nme?\n\nJERRY\nName it.\n\nGEORGE\nYou think your parents would have any\nobjections to taking a little kid to\nParis with them? (Jerry looks at him\nconfused) It turns out that the kid's\nfather lives in Paris. (chuckling) Is\nthat a coincidence? (Jerry smiles) Eh\nyou know Alec wants me to take him over\nthere so I figure as long as they're\ngoing (claps)\n\nJERRY\nSo you thought as long as they're mailing\npostcards, it wouldn't be too much to\nask my parents to drag a child who they've\nnever seen, through the streets of Paris?\n\nGEORGE\n(pause) All right if you think it's\ntoo much they don't have to mail the\npostcards.\n\n(Elaine's Office)\n\n(Elaine at her desk; Joanna standing near the door)\n\nJOANNE\nSo where's he taking you?\n\nELAINE\nWell first we're going to a matinee,\nI'm taking the afternoon off, we're\ngonna go see \"My Fair Lady\" and they\nwe are gonna go to dinner. He knows\nall these fantastic places.\n\nJOANNE\nYou are one lucky girl. (Elaine laughs\nin happiness) Wish I could find a nice\nguy. (Joanne goes to leave; Aaron enters)\nHi Aaron.\n\nAARON\n(getting up in Aaron's face) Hey Joanne.\n(turns to Elaine and goes over to her)\nHey\n\nELAINE\n(already out from behind her desk goes\nto Aaron) Hi\n\n(Elaine and Aaron kiss)\n\n(Enter Helen)\n\nHELEN\nHello, Hello.\n\n(Enter Morty)\n\nMORTY\nHello Elaine\n\n(Morty gives Elaine a kiss; Elaine is in shock)\n\nAARON\nI was able to finagle two more tickets\nto \"My Fair Lady\" and I thought why\nnot ask Morty and Helen.\n\nELAINE\nOh, Great.\n\nMORTY\n(looking around) This is some office.\nWhat's the square footage?\n\nHELEN\nYou don't mind to you Elaine?\n\nELAINE\nMind? Oh o-of course not.\n\nAARON\nWe can make a whole day of it.\n\nMORTY\nThis is some building, Harry Fleming\nused to have an office here. There was\na deli on the first floor. You don't\nget corned beef like that anymore. What\nhappened to that deli?\n\nELAINE\n(somewhat annoyed) I really don't know\nMr. Seinfeld\n\n(Collection of Scenes with the music and singing from \"My Fair\nLady\" over them. First the matin\u00e9e where we see (from left to\nright) Helen, Morty, Elaine and Aaron. Morty opens a candy bar\ntakes a bite then offers it to Elaine then Aaron who takes it\nas the scene changes to the Cafe 123. At the restaurant we see\n(from left to right) Morty, Elaine, Helen and Aaron. Morty is\npointing at a painting while talking to Elaine then takes off\nhis glasses. Next George is seen getting ready to hop into a\ncab when Morty, Elaine, Aaron and Helen ride by in a horse drawn\ncarriage (Handsome Cab) drinking champagne. George then smacks\nthe top of the cab in disgust)\n\n(song from \"My Fair Lady\") \"I could have danced all night, I\ncould have danced all night, and still have begged for more.\nI could have spread my wings, and done a thousand things, I've\nnever done before. I never know what made it so exciting, but\nall at once my heart would fly\"\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\n(Jerry and Rachel making out on Jerry's couch)\n\nJERRY\n(stopping them) We better not. (they\nmake out some more; then stop) T-They're\ngonna be here any second.\n\nRACHEL\nWhen are they leaving?\n\nJERRY\nIn two days.\n\nRACHEL\nIt's been soo long.\n\nJERRY\nI know.\n\nRACHEL\nOk, it's only two more days.\n\n(They both run their hands through their hair)\n\nJERRY\nRight, Thursday three o'clock.\n\nMORTY\n(from outside the door; singing) I could\nhave danced all night (entering with\nHelen) I could have danced all night\nand still have\n\nHELEN\nOoh.\n\nJERRY\nOh Hi.\n\nHELEN\nWe didn't know you had company.\n\nJERRY\n(tucking in his shirt) Oh ya this is\nRachel.\n\nRACHEL\nHi.\n\nHELEN & MORTY\nHello Rachel.\n\nHELEN\nUh we'll come back another time.\n\nJERRY\nWhat other time?\n\nHELEN\nWhenever\n\nJERRY\nWhere you goin'?\n\nMORTY\nUh we'll drive around for a while.\n\nJERRY\nYou don't have a car.\n\nMORTY\nWe'll take a bus.\n\nJERRY\nCome on stop.\n\nHELEN\nNo we don't mind\n\nMORTY\nI'll get a book.\n\nRACHEL\nNo no it's ok, I was just leaving anyway.\n\nHELEN\nO-oh are you sure?\n\nRACHEL\nYea.\n\nHELEN\nCuz we don't wann..\n\nJERRY\n(interrupting) No no it's ok. (walking\nRachel out) So we'll go see Schindler's\nList later right?\n\nRACHEL\nDefinitely\n\nJERRY\nOk.Uh\n\nRACHEL\n(going out the door) It's night meeting\nyou.\n\nHELEN\nNice meeting you.\n\nJERRY\nOk, see you later.\n\nMORTY\nBoy that was some show.\n\nJERRY\nWhat show?\n\nMORTY\n\"My Fair Lady\"\n\nJERRY\nWhen did you get tickets to see that?\n\nHELEN\nAaron surprised us, and Elaine came.\n\nJERRY\nOh (laughing) Elaine really? Well that\nsounds interesting.\n\nMORTY\nWe saw Regis Philbin get out of a limousine.\n\nJERRY\nOh.\n\nHELEN\nHe looks better on TV.\n\nJERRY\nOh\n\n(Phone rings)\n\nJERRY\n(answering phone) Hello?\n\n(Jack Klompus in Florida)\n\nJACK\nHello Jerry,\n\nJERRY\nYea.\n\nJACK\nIt's Jack Klompus.\n\nJERRY\nOh hi Jack.\n\nJACK\nSo when are you coming down to Florida\nagain?\n\nJERRY\nAs soon as is humanly possible.\n\nJACK\nYou know I still got that pen, the one\nthat writes upside down.\n\nJERRY\nYea yea ya I shoulda kept it.\n\nJACK\nSo uh where's your father?\n\nJERRY\nYa he's right here.\n\n(Jerry hands Morty the phone)\n\nMORTY\nYea\n\nJACK\nMorty, listen I can't get into the garage.\n\nMORTY\nWhat do you mean?\n\nJACK\nThere is something wrong with the key.\nThe key doesn't work\n\nMORTY\nYou gotta jiggle it a little bit. I\njiggled it. I jiggled it for fifteen\nminutes.\n\n(Doris enters the scene with Jack)\n\nDORIS\nTell him to come down here and get his\nown packages. You have nothing better\nto do then worry about his boxes.\n\nMORTY\nYou gotta pull on the knob as you turn\nit.\n\nJACK\nGet the hell outta here with your knob.\n\nDORIS\nWhat does he want from you?\n\nMORTY\nMy idiot son could open that garage\ndoor.\n\nJERRY\nWhat did I do?\n\nMORTY\nJust do it first thing tomorrow. I need\nit.\n\n(Jack is seen hanging up his phone)\n\nMORTY\nThey'll be here first thing Thursday\nmorning.\n\nHELEN\nThursday morning? You know we're leaving\nat three o'clock.\n\nJERRY\n(in a hurry) Yea you're leaving at three\no'clock.\n\nHELEN\nHow are you gonna get all this done\nin time?\n\nMORTY\nDon't worry about it.\n\nJERRY\n(in a hurry) Ya how you gonna get all\nthis done in time?\n\n(Costanza House)\n\n(George, Estelle and Frank all standing in the kitchen)\n\nGEORGE\nThey were drinking champagne in a buggy!\n\nFRANK\nFirst Kramer, then Elaine?\n\nGEORGE\nYea\n\nFRANK\nIt's a slap in the face.\n\nESTELLE\n(with her arms out in wonder) What did\nwe ever do to them? (George puts his\narms out and imitates Estelle as she\nmoves her arms up and down as she speaks)\nI want to know what we did them!\n\nFRANK\nWhat are they too good for us? A raincoat\nsalesman, I could buy and sell 'em like\nthat.\n\n(Frank leaves the kitchen and moves into the living room)\n\nESTELLE\nThe hell with them.\n\nGEORGE\n(in the threshold between the living\nroom and the kitchen) The thing that\nbothers me the most, is the lying.\n\n(George and Estelle move their way into the living room)\n\nFRANK\nLet's forget about it. We're going on\na beautiful vacation. (sits down in\nhis chair)\n\nGEORGE\n(sitting down) Vacation?\n\nFRANK\nYou're mother and I are planning on\ntaking a cruise.\n\n(Estelle is already sitting next to George on the couch)\n\nGEORGE\n(claps all happy) AH! (half hugs Estelle)\n\nFRANK\nBut I can't find any vacation clothes.\nThey were in the attic.\n\nGEORGE\nThe attic? Y-you haven't wore any of\nthose clothes for years.\n\nFRANK\nHow can I go on a cruise with out my\ncabana wear? I love those, those clothes.\n(Looks down yells) AH! (jumps out of\nhis chair) A mouse! I saw a mouse! (takes\noff into another room with glass doors\non it and shuts the door)\n\nGEORGE\n(picking up what Frank saw as a mouse)\nIt's the remote.\n\nFRANK\n(looking from the room; you can see\nhim through the glass) Where the hell\nare my clothes? I love those clothes.\n\n(Ally outside Rudy's)\n\n(Rudy has a gasoline bottle and is burning some clothes)\n\nRUDY\nLousy moth ridden crap.\n\n(Median Monologue)\n\nI-I-I'm not crazy about used clothes. I mean they call it vintage,\nyou know to take your mind off of what it really is 'nasty wear.'\nOh it's clean you know people wear underwear, ya well they don't\nwear iron underwear and that's what it's gonna take to get me\nin those clothes. I mean I'll move into an apartment after a\nstrange person moves out, why would I wanna move into somebody's\npants? There is no vintage underwear of course, but it's not\nbecause the guy couldn't sell his underwear, it's because men\nwear their underwear until it absolutely disintegrates. Men hang\non to underwear until, until each individual underwear molecule\nis so strained it can barely retain the properties of a solid.\nIt actually becomes underwear vapor. W-we don't even throw it\nout, we just open a window and it goes out like dandelion spoors.\nThat's how men throw out underwear we just go (blows on the mic)\nand it's gone that it is jus.\n\nSchindler's List)\n\n(Schindler's List is playing as Jerry and Rachel are making out.\nNewman is then seen disgusted by this display)\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\n(Jerry Enters; Morty and Helen are sitting at the table with\na map out)\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nMORTY\nHey, Jerry.\n\nHELEN\nSo how was the movie?\n\nJERRY\nOh, really good, really good.\n\nHELEN\nAnd didn't the three hours go by just\nlike that (snaps her fingers)\n\nJERRY\nLike that (snaps his fingers)\n\nMORTY\nWhat about the end, with the list?\n\nJERRY\nYa that was some list.\n\nHELEN\nWhat did you think about the black and\nwhite?\n\nJERRY\n(confused) The black and white.\n\nMORTY\nThe whole movie was in black and white.\n\nJERRY\nOh yea, I didn't even realize.\n\nMORTY\nYou don't even think about it, there's\nso much going on.\n\nJERRY\nYa ya, I tell ya I could see it again.\n\n(Rudy's Antique Boutique)\n\nKRAMER\nSo Klompus has the key, but the jerk\ncouldn't open it up. All you gotta do\nit jiggle it (has is hand out jiggling)\njus get it in there (jiggling making\na bunch of noises) jigg jigg jiggle\nreiggle\n\nRUDY\nLook, I find this whole thing very uninteresting.\nWhen you get the coats come in.\n\nKRAMER; Ya hey I'm on your side.\n\n(George enters)\n\nKRAMER\nHey what again?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm trying to buy some of the clothes\nback. (realizing something) Hey you\nwanna come over for dinner tonight?\nMy mother made all this extra Paella.\n\nKRAMER\nPayaya, ya I'll be there.\n\nGEORGE\nApparently the Seinfelds' are too good\nfor us. I shouldn't say anything bad\nabout your uh your partner.\n\nKRAMER\nNo no you know we're not partners. I\nonly get twenty-five percent.\n\nGEORGE\nTwenty-five percent? It was your idea.\n\nKRAMER\nYap I know.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're doing all the leg work.\n\nKRAMER\nThat's right\n\nGEORGE\nHe's ripping you off\n\nKRAMER\nYou're right he's ripping me off\n\nGEORGE\nIf anybody should be getting more it's\nyou.\n\nKRAMER\nHe's ripping me off\n\nGEORGE\nWell don't let him take advantage of\nyou like that.\n\nKRAMER\nYAH! (exits)\n\nRUDY\n(coming out of the back-room noticing\nGeorge) Oh it's you? You're the one\nwho sold me the moth ridden cabana crap.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\n(Morty coming out of the bathroom)\n\nMORTY\nYou know I've been thinking, why is\nKramer getting twenty-five percent?\n\nHELEN\nWell he told you about the place.\n\nMORTY\nSo what, why is that worth twenty-five\npercent? It's a finders fee. You know\nwhat a finders fee is?\n\nHELEN\nYou find something you get a fee.\n\nMORTY\nFinder's fee is ten percent and no more.\n\nHELEN\nWell it's too late now.\n\nMORTY\nThose are my coats. I saved them, I\nstored them, I've been waiting years\nfor this pay off.\n\nHELEN\nWell you're not gonna say anything.\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nI've been thinking about something.\n\nMORTY\nYa so have I\n\nKRAMER\nAhh! I don't think the deal is fair.\n\nMORTY\nYou don't think it's fair.\n\nKRAMER\nNo no, I found the place, I set the\nwhole thing up, I'm doing all the leg\nwork.\n\nMORTY\nWhat leg work?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, there's leg work.\n\nMORTY\nIf anything you're getting too much.\n\nKRAMER\nToo much?!\n\nMORTY\nThat's right, they're my coats.\n\nKRAMER\nLook I want thirty-five percent.\n\nMORTY\nI'm thinking more like fifteen.\n\nKRAMER\nNo way I'm taking fifteen.\n\nMORTY\nWell you're not getting thirty-five.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright let's compromise. Twenty-five\npercent.\n\nMORTY\nOk it's a deal\n\n(They shack hands.)\n\n(Rudy's Antique Boutique)\n\nRUDY\nMoths are a discourage to my business,\nall it takes is one moth to lay eggs.\nYou know what happens to the larvae?\nThey hatch and they're everywhere.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm sorry, umm he-here's your money\nback (gives Rudy the money back) I-I-I'll\nhave the clothes.\n\nRUDY\n(counting the money to make sure it's\nall there) It's already put a dent in\nmy fumigation bill.\n\nGEORGE\nSo uh where are the clothes?\n\nRUDY\nI burned 'em.\n\nGEORGE\nOh. That's good.\n\n(Monk's)\n\n(Jerry and Elaine sitting in the booth)\n\nELAINE\nN-I know they're your parents Jerry\nan' they're very nice people. But don't\nyou think it's odd, that a thirty-five\nyear old man is going to these lengths\nto see that someone else's parents are\nenjoying themselves? I mean don't you\nfind that abnormal?\n\nJERRY\nIt is a tad askew.\n\nELAINE\nI mean they're your parents and you\ndon't do anything. So why is this stranger\ndoing it?\n\nJERRY\nI've hardly been out to dinner with\nthem.\n\nELAINE\nSee, See, I can't even say anything\nyou know because all he's really doing\nis being nice but but nobody is this\nnice, this is like certifiably nice.\n\nJERRY\nYou're right he's insane.\n\nELAINE\nYes, he's insane, that's what I think.\n\nJERRY\nSo what are you going to do?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know, I don't know what to do.\n(sighs) Oh god.... so how was the movie?\n\nJERRY\nUh from what I saw it was pretty good.\n\nELAINE\nYa what do you mean from what you saw?\n\nJERRY\nWell I um I didn't ah actually get to\nsee the whole movie.\n\nELAINE\nYea why not?\n\nJERRY\nI was kind of um (pauses) making out.\n\nELAINE\n(thinks for a second) You were making,\nout during Schindler's List?\n\nJERRY\nI couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone\nin a long time, it just got the better\nof me.\n\nELAINE\nDuring Schindler's List?\n\nJERRY\n(trying to justify it) We're both living\nwith our parents.\n\nELAINE\nDid anybody see you? Did anyone say\nanything?\n\nJERRY\nNo I don't think so. I saw Newman as\nI was leaving but see me.\n\nELAINE\nOh.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\n(A knock at the door prior to the reveal of Jerry's apartment;\nMorty is sitting at the table Helen closes the refrigerator to\nanswer the door; Newman is revealed in his full Newman)\n\nNEWMAN\nHello Mrs. Seinfeld\n\nHELEN\n(like Jerry) Hello, Newman. Jerry's\nnot here. (goes to shut the door on\nhim)\n\nNEWMAN\nUh ah (stops her from closing the door;\nwalks in) Having a nice trip? (walks\nover, grabs a junior mint, smells it\nthen puts it in his pocket)\n\nHELEN\nWonderful, we went to the theater last\nnight.\n\nNEWMAN\nOh the theater. Because I was wondering.\n\nHELEN\nWondering what?\n\nNEWMAN\nWhy I didn't see you at Schindler's\nList with Jerry.\n\nHELEN\nWell we already saw it.\n\nNEWMAN\nOh, well it's a good thing for Jerry\nthat you didn't go.\n\nMORTY\n(getting up from the table and coming\nover) Why is that?\n\nNEWMAN\nWell he really seemed to have his hands\nfull if you know what I mean.\n\nHELEN\nI'm afraid I don't.\n\nNEWMAN\nHim and his little buxom friend Rachel\nwere going at it pretty good in the\nbalcony.\n\nMORTY\nWhat?\n\nNEWMAN\nWhat, do I have to spell it out for\nya? He was moving on her like the storm-troopers\ninto Poland.\n\nHELEN\nJerry was necking during Schindler's\nList?\n\nNEWMAN\nYes! A more offensive spectacle I cannot\nrecall. Anyway I just really came up\nto get some detergent.\n\nHELEN\nJerry sends his laundry out.\n\nNEWMAN\n(laughing) Oh ho right. Well very nice\nseeing you folks and a by the way you\ndidn't hear this from me. Tata (runs\ndown the hallway laughing)\n\n(Helen closes the door and looks at Morty in disgust)\n\n(Jerry's Apartment-Later that day)\n\n(Jerry enters; Morty is sitting on the couch writing, Helen is\nin the bathroom)\n\nJERRY\nHi (takes off his coat and puts it on\nthe counter at which point his parents\nare both right by him as he goes into\nthe refrigerator. He grabs a drink then\nturns around to see his parents right\nthere) What? What did I do?\n\nHELEN\nHow could you?\n\nJERRY\nHow could I what?\n\nHELEN\nYou were making out during Schindler's\nList?\n\nJERRY\nWhat? No.\n\nMORTY\nDon't lie Jerry.\n\nJERRY\n(turns) Newman.\n\nHELEN\nHow could you do such a thing?\n\nJERRY\nI couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone\ntogether in a long time and we just\nkinda started up a little during the\ncoming attractions and the next thing\nwe knew, the war was over.\n\n(Morty and Helen both sigh and turn to go back to what they were\ndoing; Phone rings)\n\nJERRY\n(answering the phone) Hello.\n\n(Jack in Florida with a bandage on his right hand)\n\nJACK\nHello Jerry, it's Jack Klompus.\n\nJERRY\nHang on a second. (handing Morty the\nphone) Dad it's Klompus.\n\nMORTY\nHello\n\nJACK\nHello Morty, listen that key doesn't\nwork. It's no good.\n\nMORTY\nYou didn't get in?\n\nJACK\nOh I got in, I had to break the window\nwith a rock and then I got my hand all\ncut up reaching in.\n\nMORTY\nYou broke the window?\n\nHELEN\nHe broke the window?\n\nJACK\nYou wanted those damn boxes didn't you?\n\nDORIS\n(off camera) He should be on his hands\nand knees thanking you.\n\nMORTY\nDid you send them?\n\nJACK\nYea, they'll be there tomorrow afternoon,\ntwo o'clock.\n\nMORTY\nTomorrow afternoon?\n\nHELEN\nTomorrow afternoon?\n\nJERRY\nTomorrow afternoon?\n\nMORTY\nI told you to send them express.\n\nJACK\nW-well it was ten dollars cheaper in\nthe afternoon than the morning, I figured\nwhat the hell's the difference.\n\nMORTY\nSo what did you do about the window?\n\nJACK\nI gotta fix your window now?\n\nMORTY\nAll right all right. Goodbye. (Morty\nhangs up the phone, Jack hangs up the\nphone) I don't think we are gonna make\nthat flight.\n\nJERRY\nW-what do you mean you're not making\nthe flight?\n\nHELEN\nWe have to make the flight, we're with\na charter group. If we don't the trip\nis off.\n\nMORTY\nWell what's the difference we'll go\nsome place else.\n\n(Jerry annoyed walks toward his room)\n\nHELEN\nSome place else? What about Paris?\n\nMORTY\nYou don't understand, I've come this\nfar, I can't stop now.\n\nHELEN\nI can't believe that you're doing all\nthis just to sell some stupid raincoats.\n\nMORTY\nYou don't understand fashion is cyclical\nthis thing could come back.\n\nHELEN\nI think you're out of your mind.\n\n(Costanza House)\n\nFRANK\nI just don't understand how all those\nclothes can disappear.\n\nGEORGE\nMoths?\n\nFRANK\nMoths, ate three boxes?\n\nGEORGE\nWell you know what happens with larvae\nhatch, they-they're everywhere.\n\nESTELLE\nYou know, I was thinking today. I never\nliked those Seinfelds anyway, he's an\nidiot all together. (Knocking at the\ndoor) Ah there's Kramer.\n\n(Estelle goes to answer the door)\n\nKRAMER\n(from outside) Hello?\n\nESTELLE\nHello\n\nKRAMER\n(still outside) Helowwwowwow (Estelle\nopens the door) Hey (kisses Estelle\nhello) Ha ha, Good evening (George waves)\n\nESTELLE\nHope you're hungry. (goes into the kitchen)\n\nKRAMER\nOoo Paella\n\nGEORGE\nHey uh let me take you're coat.\n\nKRAMER\n(giving George his coat) Oh ya thanks\nbuddy.\n\nFRANK\nThat shirt, where'd you get that shirt?\n\nKRAMER\nWha?\n\nFRANK\nThat's my cabana shirt, you stole my\nshirt you son of a bitch! (really fast)\nGeorge you let your friends go up in\nmy attic and steal my clothes? (grabbing\nat the shirt) Gimme that back\n\nKRAMER\n(trying to get away) woah\n\nGEORGE\nDad?!\n\nKRAMER\n(laughs as Frank ends up tickling him;\ngets away) I bought it from Rudy.\n\nGEORGE\nRudy?! That skunk, I knew he didn't\nburn those clothes.\n\nFRANK\nWho's Rudy? What clothes?\n\nGEORGE\nI sold your clothes yesterday.\n\nFRANK\nYou sold my clothes (smacks George on\nthe forehead) what do you mean you sold\nmy clothes?\n\nGEORGE\nI didn't think you wore them anymore.\n\nFRANK\nIt's cruise wear!\n\nESTELLE\nKramer, I love that shirt.\n\nKRAMER\nYaya\n\nFRANK\nTHAT'S BECAUSE IT'S MINE!!\n\nESTELLE\nYou look just like Frank, on our honeymoon.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, well, thank you.\n\n(Estelle giggles)\n\nFRANK\nWho's this Rudy?\n\nKRAMER\nWell Rudy's the guy buying Morty's raincoats.\n\nFRANK\nMory Seinfeld? He's a bum.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, the whole deal going down tomorrow.\nMorty's gonna miss his plane for it.\n\nGEORGE\nMissing his plane? Wasn't that a charter\nflight?\n\nKRAMER\nYea.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat happens to charter tickets when\nyou don't use em?\n\nKRAMER\nWell I suppose they are wasted.\n\nGEORGE\nYes I suppose they are.\n\nFRANK\nTomorrow I'm going straight down to\nthis Rudy and get my clothes.\n\nKRAMER\nA mouse!\n\n(Frank starts making noises; Kramer and Frank both run to the\nother room where they get stuff in between the door and wall;\nFrank hits Kramer to get him in then closes the door)\n\n(Monk's)\n\n(Jerry and George enter)\n\nJERRY\nYou want the tickets?\n\nGEORGE\nYes.\n\nJERRY\nYou're gonna take this kid to Paris?\n\nGEORGE\nHey I get a free trip to Paris, I go\nin the Big Brother's Hall-of-Fame, I\nmail my own postcards.\n\nJERRY\nYou know I'm paying for these tickets.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's alright, I got lunch.\n\n(Airport)\n\n(Kramer, Morty and Jerry standing at a luggage carousel)\n\nKRAMER\nOh, you should have gone to the Costanzas'\nfor dinner. Mmm the Payaya was magnificent.\nHave you ever had really good Paella?\n\nMORTY\nNot really.\n\nKRAMER\nOh it's a orgiastic feast for the senses.\nThe want and the festival, the sites,\nsounds, and colors an mmmummumm mumm\n\nJERRY\nHey Dad are you sure we are at the right\ncarousel?\n\nMORTY\nThis is it.\n\nKRAMER\nSo how much are we gonna make?\n\nMORTY\nTake it easy, I've been through a million\nof these negotiations.\n\nKRAMER\nWha two thousand? Three thousand?\n\nMORTY\nThat's giving it away. This is a one\nof a kind item.\n\nKRAMER\nMore? More than three thousand?\n\nMORTY\nJust watch me do my thing.\n\nJERRY\nSay Dad, (pointing at a raincoat sitting\non the carousel next to an open box)\nisn't that one of yours?\n\nMORTY\nLook at this. Look at how this idiot\npacked it. He didn't tape it, he just\nflipped the flaps. (Kramer, Morty and\nJerry are looking around grabbing raincoats\nwhich are scattered all over the place.)\nKramer you missed a couple.\n\nWOMAN\nBon-jour, welcome to the Gateway to\nParis Charter Flight.\n\nJERRY\n(turns around noticing the Charter flight)\nDad isn't that your charter group?\n\n(George and Joey enter the scene getting in line for the Charter\nFlight)\n\nGEORGE\nHonesty, hard-work, these are the values\nthat I was raised on. The most important\nthing Joey, is to be able to look yourself\nin the mirror before you go to sleep\nat night.\n\nJOEY\nHey! I got news for you four eyes, there's\nno way you're staying with us in Paris.\n\n(Joey walks by George to board the plane and puts his Gum on\nthe wall.)\n\n(Rudy's Antique Boutique)\n\nFRANK\nYou burned them? Those clothes are not\nyours to burn.\n\nRUDY\nWho are you anyways?\n\nFRANK\nI'm the father.\n\nRUDY\nHe said his father was dead.\n\nFRANK\nHe said I was dead?\n\nRUDY\nThat's right. Squeezed an extra twenty-five\ndollars out of me.\n\nFRANK\nThat's what my life is worth to him?\nTwenty-five dollars.\n\n(Kramer and Morty enter with a bunch of raincoats)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Frank!\n\nFRANK\nOh, I just want to you know I'm retracting\nour dinner invitation.\n\nMORTY\nWell you don't have to retract it because\nwe never went.\n\nFRANK\nI'm retracting that it was ever offered.\n\nMORTY\nI retract your retraction.\n\nFRANK\nOh, you trying to unload some of that\njunk of yours?\n\nMORTY\nWould you excuse me please, we're conducting\nbusiness here.\n\nRUDY\nYou can keep your raincoats. I'm not\ninterested.\n\nKRAMER\nI thought we had a deal?\n\nFRANK\nThat's another one of my shirts!!\n\nRUDY\nI'm not buying anymore clothes from\nanyone off the street.\n\nMORTY\nWho's off the street? I'm in the raincoat\nbusiness for thirty-five years.\n\nRUDY\nYa how do I know there aren't moths\nlike his stuff?\n\nFRANK\nMy clothes don't have moths!\n\nMORTY\nBecause of his moths you're not buying\nmy raincoats?\n\nRUDY\nThat's right.\n\nKRAMER\n(laughing) I'm all ticklish. (a moth\nflies out of his shirt; they all look\nat it)\n\n(Airport)\n\n(Morty and Helen with a couple bags; Jerry, Elaine and Aaron\nsaying good-bye)\n\nANNOUNCEMENT\nFlight-433 now boarding for Miami, Gate\n18a. Flight-433 now boarding.\n\nMORTY\nOk, let's go.\n\nHELEN\n(to Aaron) It was so nice of you to\ncome to the airport to see us off.\n\nAARON\nAre you sure you can't stay a little\nlonger?\n\nELAINE & JERRY\nNO.\n\nMORTY\nAh, good-bye.\n\n(Jerry hugs Morty; Helen and Elaine give each other a kiss)\n\nELAINE\nGood-bye\n\nJERRY\nTake care\n\nMORTY\nAlright Jer.\n\n(Morty and Elaine hug; Jerry and Helen give each other a kiss)\n\nELAINE\nNice to see..\n\nMORTY\nBuh bye Elaine\n\nJERRY\nBuh bye.\n\nHELEN\nBuh bye.\n\n(Aaron torn by emotion moves in and gives Morty and Helen a hug\na hug)\n\nHELEN\n(looking at Jerry while being overly\nhugged by Aaron) We'll call you when\nwe get home.\n\nAARON\nThank you.\n\nJERRY\nI think she meant me, but.\n\nMORTY\nMake sure Kramer uses good tape when\nhe sends back the raincoats.\n\nJERRY\nOk.\n\n(Morty and Helen go to board the plane)\n\nELAINE\nBye.\n\nJERRY\nBye.\n\n(Aaron begins to follow them)\n\nELAINE\nAaron? Aaron are you ok?\n\nAARON\nI could've done more. I could've done\nso much more.\n\nELAINE\nYou did enough.\n\nAARON\n(turning toward her) No, I could've\ncalled the travel agency, got them on\nanother flight to Paris, I coulda got\nthem out.\n\nJERRY\nYou tried Aaron, it was too expensive.\n\nAARON\n(holds his arm up) This watch, this\nwatch could've paid for their whole\ntrip. (holds his other hand up) This\nring, this ring is one more dinner I\ncould've taken them out to. (Jerry and\nElaine look at each other like he's\ncrazy) Water, they need some water (turns\naround and runs to the Flight Agent)\n\nELAINE\nWhy?\n\nAARON\n(to the Flight Agent) They'll get dehydrated\non the plane! Get the Seinfelds some\nwater. Please! Please!\n\n(Jerry and Elaine continue to look at him funny)\n\n(Rachel's Parents' Place)\n\n(Jerry knocks on the door; Mr. Goldstein answers)\n\nJERRY\nHi Mr. Goldstein is Rachel home?\n\nMR. GOLDSTEIN\nI'm afraid Rachel's not going to be\nable to see you tonight, or any other\nnight for that matter.\n\nJERRY\nWhy what did I do?\n\nMR. GOLDSTEIN\n(Rachel is know seen behind her Dad)\nYou know very well. I heard about your\nbehavior at the movies the other night\nit was disgraceful. You should be ashamed\nof yourself, I for one will not allow\nmy daughter to be involved with someone\nof such weak moral fiber. Fortunately\nmy postman happened to have witnessed\nthe entire incident. A heavy set fellow,\nI believe he lives in your building.\n(Jerry turns to almost do a 'Newman')\nNow if you don't mind. (starts to close\nthe door)\n\nJERRY\nRachel!\n\nMR. GOLDSTEIN\n(closing the door on Jerry) Good night!\n\nJERRY\nRachel!\n\n(Monk's)\n\n(Jerry and Elaine at the normal booth)\n\nJERRY\nSo my parents get home, they open the\ndoor, my father flicks the light on,\nthe whole place is cleaned out, everything.\n\nELAINE\nAahh, (pushes Jerry from her seat at\nthe table) Get Out! How did it happen?\n\nJERRY\nThe broken window, Klompus never fixed\nit. They just walked right in.\n\nELAINE\nOohh, boy. They could use a vacation.\n\nJERRY\nYea they're taking one, the travel agent\nis trying to set something else up for\nthem.\n\nELAINE\n(sighs) So how about that Aaron?\n\nJERRY\nWhew\n\nELAINE\nYou know what drove me crazy about him?\nDid you ever notice that he stood too\nclose to you when he talked?\n\nJERRY\nNo I hadn't noticed.\n\n(Newman enters and walks by the table; Jerry doesn't notice him\nas he is getting something out of his coat pocket)\n\nNEWMAN\n(at the counter) Pair of bear claws\nplease.\n\nJERRY\n(hearing Newman turns and sees him)\nHiya Newman.\n\nNEWMAN\n(moving away from the counter getting\ncloser to the door) Hello Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nSay, I happened to catch you coming\nout of Schindler's List the other night.\n\nNEWMAN\nOhh, were you there?\n\nJERRY\nYes I was.\n\nNEWMAN\n(looking scared) I-it's a it's a...powerful\nfilm.\n\nJERRY\nYes, shocking brutality don't you think?\n\nNEWMAN\n(couple quick breaths) Shocking.\n\nJERRY\nYes, well that was nothing.\n\n(Newman makes a noise and takes off toward the door as Jerry\ngets up)\n\nNEWMAN\n(running out the door) Jerry! Jerry!\n\n(Jerry chases Newman right out the door)\n\n(Paris)\n\n(George is sitting at an outside eatery in France with Joey)\n\nGEORGE\nWhere the hell is your father?!\n\n(George smiles and waves at a girl sitting at another table;\nJoey puts some stuff on George's glasses)\n\n(Cruise ship out in the Ocean)\n\n(Estelle and Frank walking around on the boat)\n\nESTELLE\nThis is the best thing we ever did.\n\nFRANK\nI just hope those exterminators know\nwhat they're doing.\n\nESTELLE\nAh forget about them let's just...\n\n(Frank and Estelle run into Morty and Helen)\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nPersonal distance is a very important thing. There's a new personal\ndistance, ATM distance. When someone's using an ATM, you wanna\nbe about six feet back don't you? Because people a little edgy\naround that ATM don't they? They got their money out, their eyes\nare darting all around. The other place I wanna be about six\nfeet away is Urinals, you want some distance there too. ATMs\nand Urinals, I guess whenever someone's taking valuable out of\ntheir pants you want to give them as much room as possible.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Fire.html",
    "text": "THE FIRE\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry Charles\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nTo me, the thing about birthday parties\nis that the first birthday party you\nhave and the last birthday party you\nhave are actually quite similar. You\nknow, you just kinda sit there...you're\nthe least excited person at the party.\nYou don't even really realize that there\nis a party. You don't know what's goin'\non. Both birthday parties, people have\nto kinda help you blow out the candles,\nyou can't do it...you don't even know\nwhy you're doing it. What is this ritual?\nWhat is going on? It's also the only\ntwo birthday parties where other people\nhave to gather your friends together\nfor you. Sometimes they're not even\nyour friends. They make the judgement.\nThey bring 'em in, they sit 'em down,\nand they tell you - 'these are your\nfriends! Tell them thank you for coming\nto my birthday party.'\n\nElaine, Kramer, and Kramer's excitable girlfriend Toby in Elaine's\noffice at Pendant. They're looking at proofs for Kramer's \"coffee\ntable book about coffee tables.\"\n\nTOBY\nThese are great! Just great! Really\ngreat! Really, really great! Don't you\nthink so, Elaine?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, really great.\n\nTOBY\nA coffee table book about coffee tables!\n(To Kramer) How did you come up with\nthis idea?\n\nKRAMER\nIt was there!\n\nTOBY\nOh, look at this one! It's saying, 'I'm\na coffee table, put some coffee on me!\nOh, the hotter the better, that's what\nI'm here for!' (laughs)\n\nELAINE\nActually, I've got some work I gotta\ndo, so...\n\nKRAMER\nHey, how about if the book came with\nthese little fold-out legs...so the\nbook itself becomes a coffee table?\n\nTOBY\nOhhh, that is a great idea! Really,\nreally great!\n\nElaine and Jerry in Jerry's apartment later that day.\n\nELAINE\n'And that coffee table is saying, put\nsome coffee on me!' I'd like to put\nsome coffee on her. Hot, scalding coffee\n- right in her face! I swear! This is\nlike working with a contestant from\n\"The Price Is Right\"! (demonstrates)\n\nJERRY\nYeah, that's real interesting. Elaine,\nlisten, tell me if you think this is\nfunny - (reads comedy he's written)\n\"Men definitely hit the remote more\nthan women...men don't care what's on\nTV, men only care what else is on TV.\nWomen want to see what the show is before\nthey change the channel, because men\nhunt and women nest.\"\n\nELAINE\nYeah, it's funny, I dunno.\n\nJERRY\nYou don't know? Come on, that's gold!\n\nELAINE\nWell, I don't know about \"gold.\"\n\nJERRY\nOh, that's gold, baby.\n\nELAINE\n'Baby'? What, are you doing George now?\n\nJERRY\nI was saying 'baby' way before George!\n\nELAINE\nWell, I don't know, don't ask me any\nmore questions about jokes, Jerry, it\nputs too much pressure on me.\n\nJERRY\nWell, this guy Leonard Christian's gonna\nbe there tomorrow night.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, who's he?\n\nJERRY\nHe's a writer from Entertainment Weekly.\nI would like to have a good show.\n\n(Kramer enters.)\n\nKRAMER\nDanke schoen, my little dumplings.\n\nELAINE\nHi.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, how about that Toby, huh?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, how about her?\n\nKRAMER\nOoh, she's a package full of energy!\n\nELAINE\nYeah, she's a package full of something.\n\nKRAMER\nAnd that something is life. Jerry, you\ngotta meet this gal - she's brimmin'\nwith positivity!\n\nELAINE\nOh, pleeeeease. (moves to the living\nroom and sits down)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, are you performing tomorrow night?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\nGreat, I'm gonna bring Toby.\n\nJERRY\nWell, you better laugh 'cause I'm being\nreviewed. Leonard Christian's gonna\nbe there.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, she's a great laugher - right, Elaine?\n\nELAINE\nOh yeah, she's a great laugher, Jerry.\n(imitates Toby) Really, really great!\n\nJERRY\nWell, you want to sit with George? I\nthink he's coming with Robin.\n\nKRAMER\nIs that the waitress from the comedy\nclub?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nWhat about her kid, is she bringing\nhim, too?\n\nKRAMER\nShe's got a kid?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, you should see George get along\nwith this kid!\n\nGeorge and Robin in a booth at the coffee shop. Robin's kid is\nunder the table.\n\nGEORGE\nOw! What are you doing under there?\nHey, stop that! Don't eat that! That's\nnot food! (to Robin) He's suckin' down\nEqual packets!\n\nROBIN\nDo you think 25 kids is too much?\n\nGEORGE\n25 kids for his birthday party? (to\nkid under table) Don't put your tongue\non the floor! He's putting his tongue\non the floor! Here, here, have some\nmore sugar packets.\n\nROBIN\nSo, what about entertainment? (to kid)\nShould I get Barney?\n\nKID\nNo Barney!\n\nROBIN\nMaybe a clown.\n\nGEORGE\nHow about Bozo?\n\nKID\nWho's Bozo?\n\nGEORGE\nWho's Bozo? Bozo the Clown, that's who\nBozo is. When I was a kid, Bozo the\nClown was the clown, bar none.\n\nROBIN\nGeorge...\n\nGEORGE\nWith the orange hair, and the big clown\nshirt with the ruffles...\n\nROBIN\nGeorge...\n\nGEORGE\nAnd the TV show! He had cartoons!\n\nROBIN\nGeorge! Forget Bozo, George. Bozo's\nout. He's finished. It's over for Bozo.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, when I was a kid, we didn't\nhave these elaborate birthday parties\nwith catered food and entertainment.\nI remember my 7th birthday party...\n\nFRANK\nBlow out the candles! Blow out the candles,\nI said! Blow out the damn candles!\n\nESTELLE\nStop it, Frank! You're killing him!\n\nROBIN\nWell, this time, you can blow out the\ncandles.\n\nGEORGE\nNah, I have asthma. (Robin's kid grabs\nGeorge's leg from under the table, and\nGeorge struggles.)\n\nElaine in her office at work. Toby enters.\n\nTOBY\nHi!\n\nELAINE\nHi, Toby.\n\nTOBY\nHow are you doing today?\n\nELAINE\nFine... (Toby sits and waits for Elaine\nto speak.) How are you?\n\nTOBY\nOh, I'm great! Just great. Really great!\nOh, hey - did you hear about Bob Rosen?\n\nELAINE\nNope.\n\nTOBY\nHe is going to Knopp. He is going to\nbe a vice president.\n\nELAINE\nKnopp? Really? Boy. That means there's\nan opening here for senior editor...has\nLippman, uh, hired anyone?\n\nTOBY\nNo. I hear he wants to promote someone\nin-house.\n\nELAINE\nReally!\n\nTOBY\nMaybe it'll be you!\n\nELAINE\nOh...well...\n\nTOBY\nYou really deserve it. I mean, you have\nexperience, seniority...Lippman really\nrespects your opinion...\n\nELAINE\nWell! Well, it could be you.\n\nTOBY\nNo...\n\nELAINE\nNo, really.\n\nTOBY\nReally? You think so?\n\nELAINE\nSure.\n\nTOBY\nBoy, wouldn't that be exciting!\n\nELAINE\nI mean, stranger things have happened...\n\nTOBY\nWow! Me! A senior editor! (deadly serious)\nI'd like that.\n\nELAINE\nWell, you shouldn't get your hopes up,\nToby.\n\nTOBY\nWell, it's a possibility, like you said!\nStranger things have happened! Thank\nyou, Elaine. Thank you. (Exits.)\n\nJerry and Ronnie the Prop Comic backstage at the comedy club.\n\nJERRY\nHey, Ronnie. (To bartender) Can I have\na club soda? (To Ronnie) Goin' on tonight?\n\nRONNIE\nYeah. You?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nRONNIE\nYou know Leonard Christian's here?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I know.\n\nRONNIE\nCan I ask you something? Are my nostrils\ngetting bigger?\n\nJERRY\nI don't...think so.\n\nRONNIE\nAre you sure? Take a good look. They\nseem a little bigger?\n\nJERRY\nI don't...I dunno.\n\nRONNIE\nIs it possible for nostrils to expand?\n\nJERRY\nOh, is this a bit?\n\nRONNIE\nHey, I don't do \"bits.\" I'm a prop comic.\nDammit, I can't find my water gun. I\ncan't go on without my water gun.\n\n(Kramer and Toby enter.)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Jerry. Toby, this is Jerry.\n\nTOBY\nThis is so exciting! Look, I have goosebumps!\n(To Jerry) Touch! Touch them! (Jerry\ntouches her arm. Toby screeches with\nexcitement.) I've never been to a comedy\nclub before!\n\nJERRY\nReally! You know, a lot of restaurants\nare serving brewed decaf now, too.\n\nTOBY\nYou are so funny!\n\nJERRY\nOh, you'll have a good time, I swear.\n\nTOBY\nOh! He swears like he thinks I don't\nbelieve him. I believe you. I believe\nyou! Oh, he's so funny! (laughs)\n\nKRAMER\nWhat about me?\n\nTOBY\nWhat about you? (laughs) I'm only kidding.\nYou're funny, too. I love to laugh.\n\nJERRY\nGood, good.\n\nKRAMER\nSo, you up next?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, why don't you guys get a table\nso you'll have good seats?\n\nTOBY\nOh yeah, we don't want some jerk sitting\nin front of us, it'll be like, 'Hey,\nbig head, can you move out of the way?\nI didn't pay a cover charge to stare\nat your bald spot.' (laughs)\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, so you have a good show, huh\nbuddy?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nTOBY\nOh, have a great show. Hey, we'll make\nsure it's a great show!\n\nJERRY\nO.k., good, I'll see you later. (Kramer\nand Toby are about to exit. She turns\naround and clutches Kramer's jacket.)\n\nTOBY\nOh, he's so great! This is so great!\nI'm so excited!\n\nCut to Jerry on stage. Toby and Kramer are sitting in the audience\nnear the front.\n\nJERRY\nMen definitely hit the remote button\nmore than women...\n\nTOBY\nOh, really! Really! That is so true!\n\nJERRY\nYes, yeah...see, men don't care what's\non TV, men only care what else is on\nTV.\n\nTOBY\nYes! Yes! Right on! Right on! (Other\naudience members give her puzzled looks.)\n\nJERRY\nSee...women really want to see what\nthe show is before they change the channel...\n\nTOBY\nOh, that is so true, yes!\n\nJERRY\n...that's why men hunt and women nest.\n\nTOBY\nBOO! BOO! Hiss! Boo! (Toby's obnoxious\nbehavior causes Jerry to completely\nlose his place and mess up his act.)\n\nJerry pacing the floor backstage after his act. Kramer enters.\n\nJERRY\nHey, what's the deal? What was goin'\non there? I invite you down here, I\nhave an important show, and she heckles\nme?!\n\nKRAMER\nLook, she didn't mean anything.\n\nJERRY\nWell, what is the matter with her? Is\nshe crazy?!\n\nKRAMER\nShe's just being enthusiastic, that's\nall!\n\n(Toby enters.)\n\nJERRY\nHey! What is wrong with you?!\n\nTOBY\nMe? Nothing's wrong with me.\n\nJERRY\nYou boo me?! You hiss?! You didn't stop\nblathering throughout the whole set!\n\nTOBY\nOh, come on! I thought you're a pro!\nThat's part of the show.\n\nJERRY\nNo! Not part of the show! Booing and\nhissing are not part of the show! You\nboo puppets! You hiss villains in silent\nmovies!\n\nTOBY\nWell, that's the way I express myself.\nHow are you gonna make it in this business\nif you can't take it?\n\nJERRY\nOh, I can take it.\n\nTOBY\nLet's go. (Ronnie walks by Jerry.)\n\nRONNIE\nHey, man. Good set.\n\nGeorge talking to Eric, the clown at Robin's son's birthday party.\n\nGEORGE\nBozo?\n\nERIC\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nB-O-Z-O?\n\nERIC\nSorry, I...\n\nGEORGE\nYou've never heard of Bozo the Clown?\n\nERIC\nNo!\n\nGEORGE\nHow could you not know who Bozo the\nClown is?\n\nERIC\nI don't know, I just don't.\n\nGEORGE\nHow can you call yourself a clown and\nnot know who Bozo is?\n\nERIC\nHey, man - what are you hassling me\nfor? This is just a gig, it's not my\nlife. I don't know who Bozo is, what\n- is he a clown?\n\nGEORGE\nIs he a clown? What, are you kidding\nme!?\n\nERIC\nWell, what is he?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, he's a clown!\n\nERIC\nAlright, so what's the big deal! There's\nmillions of clowns!\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, just forget it.\n\nERIC\nMe forget it? You should forget it!\nYou're livin' in the past, man! You're\nhung up on some clown from the sixties,\nman!\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, very good, very good...go fold\nyour little balloon animals, Eric. Eric!\nWhat kind of name is that for a clown,\nhuh?\n\nROBIN'S MOTHER\nExcuse me...you must be George! I'm\nRobin's mother. Oh, you seem like such\na lovely young man!\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I do what I can. (Robin comes\nover.)\n\nROBIN\nHi Mom, how's everything?\n\nROBIN'S MOTHER\nOh, this is just a wonderful party!\n\nROBIN\nThe burgers should be ready in a minute.\n\nGEORGE\nAh, great, great. (sniffs) What's that\nsmell? Smoke? (walks to the kitchen)\nHey everybody, I think I smell some\nsmoke back here...(smoke boils into\nthe doorway.) FIRE! FIRE! Get out of\nthe way!\n\n(The kids all scream and the party goes crazy. George barrels\nout of the kitchen, pushing down kids, clowns and old ladies\nin a mad panic to escape. He runs out the door and leaves everyone\nbehind.)\n\nCut to George sitting in the back of an ambulance with an oxygen\nmask on his face.\n\nGEORGE\nIt was an inferno in there! An inferno!\n(Eric, Robin's mother, and all the kids\nrush at George.)\n\nERIC\nThere he is! That's him! (Tries to clobber\nGeorge with his big shoe.)\n\nROBIN'S MOTHER\nThat's the coward that left us to die!\n\nCommercial break.\n\nCut back to George attempting to explain his cowardly actions\nto Robin, her mother, Eric and a fireman from the back of the\nambulance at the party.\n\nGEORGE\nI...was trying to lead the way. We needed\na leader! Someone to lead the way to\nsafety.\n\nROBIN\nBut you yelled \"get out of my way\"!\n\nGEORGE\nBecause! Because, as the leader...if\nI die...then all hope is lost! Who would\nlead? The clown? Instead of castigating\nme, you should all be thanking me. What\nkind of a topsy-turvy world do we live\nin, where heroes are cast as villains?\nBrave men as cowards?\n\nROBIN\nBut I saw you push the women and children\nout of the way in a mad panic! I saw\nyou knock them down! And when you ran\nout, you left everyone behind!\n\nGEORGE\nSeemingly. Seemingly, to the untrained\neye, I can fully understand how you\ngot that impression. What looked like\npushing...what looked like knocking\ndown...was a safety precaution! In a\nfire, you stay close to the ground,\nam I right? And when I ran out that\ndoor, I was not leaving anyone behind!\nOh, quite the contrary! I risked my\nlife making sure that exit was clear.\nAny other questions?\n\nFIREMAN\nHow do you live with yourself?\n\nGEORGE\nIts not easy.\n\nGeorge and Jerry at the coffee shop.\n\nGEORGE\nSo she doesn't want to see me anymore.\n\nJERRY\nDid you knock her over too, or just\nthe kids?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, her too. And her mother.\n\nJERRY\nReally? Her mother.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. I may have stepped on her arm,\ntoo, I don't know.\n\nJERRY\nYou probably couldn't see because of\nthe smoke.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. But it was somebody's arm.\n\nJERRY\nSo you feel \"women and children first,\"\nin this day and age, is somewhat of\nan antiquated notion.\n\nGEORGE\nTo some degree.\n\nJERRY\nSo basically, it's every man, woman,\nchild, and invalid for themselves.\n\nGEORGE\nIn a manner of speaking.\n\nJERRY\nWell, it's honest.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. She should be commending me for\ntreating everyone like equals.\n\nJERRY\nWell, perhaps when she's released from\nthe burn center, she'll see things differently.\n\nGEORGE\nPerhaps.\n\nJERRY\nSo, what was the fire? Just a couple\nof greasy hamburgers?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Eric the Clown put it out with\nhis big shoe.\n\nJERRY\nBy the way, did you see this? (Hands\nGeorge a magazine)\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's that?\n\nJERRY\nIt's the Leonard Christian article about\nmy show. Plus my gig in Miami got cancelled,\nI betcha it's because of the article.\n\nGEORGE\nWow, he really does a number on you.\n(reads) \"Seinfeld froze like a deer\nin the headlights in the face of incessant\nheckling.\"\n\nJERRY\nI should have let her have it! I held\nback because of Kramer.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know what you oughta do. You should\ngo to her office and heckle her.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, right.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, like all the comedians always\nsay, 'How would you like it if I came\nto where you work and heckled you?'\n\nJERRY\nYeah, that'd be something.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm not kidding, you should do it.\n\nJERRY\nBut wouldn't that be the ultimate comedian's\nrevenge? I've always had a fantasy about\ndoing that.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, go ahead! Do it!\n\nJERRY\nWhy can't I?\n\nGEORGE\nNo reason!\n\nJERRY\nYou know what? I think I'm gonna do\nthat! She came down to where I work,\nI'll go down to where she works!\n\nGEORGE\nThis is unprecedented!\n\nJERRY\nThere's no precedent, baby!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat...are you using my babies now?\n\nToby in her office at Pendant. Jerry pokes his head in the door.\n\nJERRY\nHey, nice shoes. What, you wear sandals\nto work? It's always nice to walk into\na room and get the aroma of feet. That's\nreal conducive to the work atmosphere.\nI'm sure your co-workers really appreciate\nit. 'Hey, let's go eat in Toby's office.\nGreat idea! We can check on her bunions!'\n\nTOBY\nYou know, I have work to do here! I'm\nvery busy!\n\nJERRY\nOh, is this disruptive? You find it\nhard to work with someone...interrupting?\n\nTOBY\nWell, how would you like it if I called\nsecurity?\n\nJERRY\nSecurity? Well, I don't know how you're\ngonna make it in this business if you\ncan't take it! Ya gotta be tough! Booo!\nBoooo!\n\n(Kramer arrives just as Toby gets upset and storms out.)\n\nKRAMER\nWait a second, what's happenin' here?\nToby! Toby!\n\n(Street outside. We hear screeching tires and Toby screaming,\n\"My pinky toe!\" Kramer is heard yelling \"Toby!\" and is shown\nwith a shocked expression on his face.)\n\nKramer and Jerry in Jerry's apartment.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat did you go up there to heckle her\nfor?\n\nJERRY\nBecause she came down to the club and\nheckled me! Give her a taste of her\nown medicine! (George enters.)\n\nKRAMER\nOh, YEAH! You gave her a taste of medicine,\nalright.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I didn't want her to have an accident.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat accident?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, after he heckled Toby, she got\nso upset, she ran out of the building\nand a street sweeper ran over her foot\nand severed her pinky toe.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's unbelievable!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah! Then after the ambulance left,\nI found the toe! So I put it in a Cracker\nJack box, filled it with ice, and took\noff for the hospital.\n\nGEORGE\nYou ran?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, I jumped on the bus. I told the\ndriver, \"I got a toe here, buddy - step\non it.\"\n\nGEORGE\nHoly cow!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah, then all of a sudden, this\nguy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any\ndelay is gonna cost her her pinky toe,\nso I got out of the seat and I started\nwalking towards him. He says, \"Where\ndo you think you're going, Cracker Jack?\"\nI said, \"Well, I got a little prize\nfor ya, buddy - \" (Kramer throws two\nquick punches and a massive uppercut)\n- knocked him out cold!\n\nGEORGE\nHow could you do that?!\n\nKRAMER\nThen everybody is screamin,' because\nthe driver, he's passed out from all\nthe commotion...the bus is out of control!\nSo, I grab him by the collar, I take\nhim out of the seat, I get behind the\nwheel and now I'm drivin' the bus.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're Batman.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger,\nhe comes to, and he starts chokin' me!\nSo I'm fightin' him off with one hand\nand I kept drivin' the bus with the\nother, y'know? Then I managed to open\nup the door, and I kicked him out the\ndoor with my foot, you know - at the\nnext stop.\n\nJERRY\nYou kept makin' all the stops?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, people kept ringin' the bell!\n\nGEORGE\nWell, what about the toe? What happened\nto the toe?\n\nKRAMER\nWell! I am happy to say that the little\nguy is back in place at the end of the\nline.\n\nGEORGE\nYou did all this...for a pinky toe?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, it's a valuable appendage.\n\nElaine in her office at work, talking with two co-workers.\n\nJOANNE\nSo, Kramer found the toe, and they re-attached\nit.\n\nELAINE\nReally.\n\nJOANNE\nPoor kid. What an ordeal.\n\nMICHAEL\nAnd you know how extremely sensitive\nshe is...she's gonna need our full support.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, right.\n\nMICHAEL\nToby, what can I do? Can I get you something?\n\nTOBY\nOh no, I'll be fine...\n\n(A horde of employees flood into Elaine's office to gush over\nToby. Elaine is pushed to the floor as a result.)\n\nElaine and Jerry in Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nShe got the promotion?\n\nELAINE\nYep.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nELAINE\nI'll tell ya why. Because of her pinky\ntoe, that's why. Because Lippman felt\nso sorry for her, he didn't want to\nhurt her feelings.\n\nJERRY\nToo bad.\n\nELAINE\nSure, the pinky toe is cute! But, I\nmean, what is it? It's useless! It does\nnothing. It's got that little nail that\nis just impossible to cut. What do we\nneed it for?\n\nJERRY\nBecause Elaine, that's the one that\ngoes 'wee-wee-wee all the home.'\n\nELAINE\nWhy don't you just shut the f-\n\nKRAMER\nHey Elaine, did you hear the good news?\nToby got promoted!\n\nELAINE\nYes, I heard, Kramer - I work there,\nremember??\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, and you know what she told me?\nShe said her first order of business\nis to put my coffee table book into\nthe bookstores as soon as possible.\n\nELAINE\nOh, wonderful!\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, throughout this whole thing,\nshe always kept a smile on her face.\n\nELAINE\nOh, of course! She's deranged.\n\nJerry and Ronnie backstage at the comedy club.\n\nJERRY\nSo, I went down to the magazine, I pleaded\nwith him to come and see me again, finally\nhe agreed to come down tonight, and\nhe's going to write another article.\n\nRONNIE\nI heard you went down to somebody's\noffice and heckled them?\n\nJERRY\nDamn right! We've been lapdogs long\nenough!\n\nRONNIE\nHow could you do that? I mean, everybody's\ntalking about it.\n\nJERRY\nWell, it's about time one of us drew\na line in the sand.\n\nRONNIE\nJerry, you're like Rosa Parks. You opened\nthe door for all of us. I can't wait\ntill the next time someone heckles me.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, well, won't be long.\n\nANNOUNCER\nLadies and gentlemen, please welcome\nJerry Seinfeld!\n\nJERRY\nGotta go. (heads out on stage)\n\n(George enters and sees Robin working.)\n\nGEORGE\nRobin? Robin!\n\nROBIN\nGeorge, what is it? I'm working.\n\nGEORGE\nRobin, listen to me. The most amazing\nthing has happened. Kramer has opened\nmy eyes. I think I've changed.\n\nROBIN\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nGEORGE\nO.k....(is about to explain. Cut to\nJerry on-stage.)\n\nJERRY\nI mean, Bozo the Clown...does he really\nneed \"the clown\" in his title, as clown?\nBozo, \"the\" clown? Are we going to confuse\nhim with Bozo the district attorney?\nBozo the pope? There's no other Bozo...\n\nCut back to George explaining his situation to Robin.\n\nGEORGE\n...you'll see, things will be different\nnow - if you just give me one more chance.\n\nROBIN\nListen...I gotta think about this. (walks\naway.)\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, but I'm serious about this.\n\nRONNIE\nAlright, hand it over man!\n\nCut back to Jerry onstage.\n\nJERRY\n...that's why men hunt and women nest.\n\nGEORGE\nHe's got a gun! He's got a gun! (Tries\nto flee the bar in a mad panic. The\naudience in the club also goes nuts\nand heads for the exits. Jerry stands\nonstage, perplexed.)\n\nCut back to George in the bar.\n\nROBIN\nGeorge! This is Ronnie Kaye!\n\nGEORGE\nThe prop comic? (Ronnie holds up his\nwater gun and smiles.) Oh, hi...I didn't\nrecognize you, what...did you get a\nhaircut?\n\nRONNIE\nNostrils.\n\n(Jerry comes backstage.)\n\nJERRY\nGeorge - could I have a word?\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nI was in a hotel the other day, and\non the back of the door in the hotel\nthey have the fire map. I'm flattered\nthat they think I have it together enough\nto stand in a burning hotel room memorizing\ndirections. 'Yeah, I'll go left by the\nstairs, right by the candy machine...'\nI'd probably get lost, have to go back\nto the room, check the map again...and\nthey always tell you, no matter what,\nwhatever you do in a hotel fire - do\nnot panic. Hey, I got four minutes to\nlive, I've never panicked in my whole\nlife - it's my option. Even if they\nfind you, you have a perfect excuse...'Gee,\nI heard they saved you swingin' from\nthe shower curtain naked with an ice\nbucket on your head. What happened there?'\n'Well, I panicked.' 'That's understandable.'\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Hamptons.html",
    "text": "THE HAMPTONS\n\nWritten by\n\nPeter Mehlman & Carol Leifer\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nLook at the work people do to get to the ocean.\n\nThey'll fight the traffic and the heat and the parking and the\nhot sand.\n\nTrying to get through the waves, and the ironic thing is the\nocean doesn't\n\neven want us in there. That's what surfing is. Surfing is the\nocean\n\nthrowing us out of itself, you see? We keep trying to paddle\nin, the\n\nocean's saying, \"No you don't.\" The ocean is like a nightclub\nand the\n\nwaves are bouncers tossin' us out. The undertow's like a really\nmean\n\nbouncer. Instead of throwin' you out, they take you in back and\nrough you\n\nup a little bit. \"Oh, you wanna come in? How 'bout comin' in\nlike 25\n\nmiles?\"\n\nback seat.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, get off at the next exit.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, I've driven to the Hamptons\nmany times, I know the exit.\n\nKRAMER\nIt's a great house, pool's something?\nYeah, I'll be there.\n\nJERRY\n(To Elaine) You sure we're makin' the\nright move?\n\nELAINE\nWe gotta see the new baby anyway, at\nleast we'll get a weekend in\n\nthe Hamptons out of it.\n\nJERRY\nDidn't they just have a baby?\n\nELAINE\nThat was two years ago, remember? 'Jeh-Ree,\nyou gotta see the\n\nBay-Bee! You gotta see the Bay-Bee!'\n\nJERRY\nIs it possible they're just having babies\nto get people to visit\n\nthem?\n\nKRAMER\nHey Jerry, you ever wear silk underwear?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nKRAMER\nPut that on the top of your list.\n\nJERRY\nNo, not for me. A little too delightful.\nWell, George and Jane\n\nshould be almost there by now.\n\nELAINE\nOh, isn't that weird that George and\nJane haven't had sex yet, but\n\nthey're spending the weekend together?\n\nJERRY\nI know, George is pretty pleased about\nit. It's like she signed a\n\nletter of intent.\n\nELAINE\nWhen's Rachel comin' out?\n\nJERRY\nShe's makin' the three o'clock train.\n\nELAINE\nHer father is so religious, I'm just\namazed that he's letting you\n\nsee her again after that Schindler's List make-out session.\n\nJERRY\nI bought him some kishka.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat's that?\n\nJERRY\nIt's kind of a stuffed meat thing. Israeli\nsoldiers carry it. In\n\ncase they're captured behind enemy lines, they eat it and it\nkills them.\n\nGEORGE\nI never tasted a cough medicine I didn't\nlove.\n\nJANE\nMe too. I love cough medicine.\n\nGEORGE\nYou see? We were made for each other.\n(Thinking to himself) It's\n\namazing. If I reach out and touch her breast right not, she'd\nscream and\n\nthrow me out of the car. But at this time tomorrow, I could touch\nit all I\n\nwant.\n\nJANE\nWhat's your favorite?\n\nGEORGE\nPotussan. Ever try it with club soda?\n\nJANE\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, very refreshing. (Thinking again)\nSex is like joining a\n\nprivate club. I'll be the same me tomorrow, but suddenly, the\nno\n\ntrespassing sign will be gone.\n\nJANE\nAre we almost there?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, about ten, fifteen minutes. But\nI have to stop at a\n\nvegetable stand.\n\nJANE\nWhat for?\n\nGEORGE\nMy mother loves Hampton tomatoes. She's\nnuts for Hampton tomatoes.\n\nJANE\nCan you buy 'em later? I really wanna\nget some... sun.\n\nKRAMER\nHey Jerry. Rub some lotion on my back.\n\nJERRY\nWho are you, Mrs. Robinson?\n\nKRAMER\nCome on, I'll rub some on yours.\n\nJERRY\nNo, that's no sweet'ning the deal. No.\n\nGEORGE\n(To Jane) You know, when I was a kid,\nI once found a dollar and\n\nfifty cents in change on the bottom of the pool.\n\nJANE\n(No feeling in her voice) You must've\nbeen excited.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Hey, you know, I gotta go get\nthese tomatoes. You wanna go\n\nfor a ride?\n\nJANE\nI don't think so.\n\nGEORGE\n'Kay. I'll uh, I'll see you later. Anybody\nwant some tomatoes?\n\nJERRY\nNo thanks.\n\nKRAMER\nNo. (George leaves for the tomatoes)\n\nJANE\nI'm gonna take a dip. (She leaves for\nbeach, Elaine enters\n\nwith a shady hat on)\n\nJERRY\nAnd then there's Mog. (She sits down\nnext to Jerry)\n\nELAINE\nLook at my face, look at it. You see\nany lines?\n\nJERRY\nNo lines.\n\nELAINE\nYou know why? One word: shade.\n\nJERRY\nSo when're we gonna see this baby? When\nis the momentous event?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know. They're takin' a nap or\nsomething.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm gonna go see if there are any girls\non the beach. Elaine, you\n\nwanna come?\n\nELAINE\n(Sarcastic) No thanks. I got plenty\nof girlfriends.\n\nJERRY\n(Looking toward beach) Oh this is interesting.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nJane's topless. (They all look)\n\nKRAMER\nYo yo ma.\n\nJERRY\nBoutros Boutros-Ghali.\n\nELAINE\nNice rack. (Carol and Michael inside\nopen back door)\n\nCAROL\nCome on, you guys. You can come on and\nsee the bay-bee!\n\nJERRY\nOh, in a minute, Carol.\n\nKRAMER\nWe're gonna be right there.\n\nJERRY\nThis is weird wild stuff. George hasn't\neven seen her yet.\n\nELAINE\nWhy do you think we're getting the sneak\npreview?\n\nKRAMER\nMaybe she's trying to create a buzz.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, get some good word of mouth\ngoin'.\n\nJERRY\nOh, here she comes. (They pretend to\nnot have watched as Jane\n\nenters)\n\nJANE\nI'm thirsty. Anyone want a drink?\n\nJERRY\nNo thanks.\n\nELAINE\nI'm good.\n\nKRAMER\nDeh-deh-deh-deh- (Jane exits) All right,\nshow's over. I'm goin'\n\nto the beach.\n\nnot far behind.\n\nCAROL\nAdam (the baby's name), Jerry and Elaine\nare here.\n\nELAINE\nOh, he's a cute little shnugly baby.\n\nCAROL\nIsn't he gorgeous? (Elaine looks at\nbaby, only to be frightened\n\nand turn away)\n\nELAINE\nUgghh.\n\nCAROL\nIs she gorgeous? (Elaine + Jerry looking\naway)\n\nELAINE\nOh, gorgeous, yes.\n\nJERRY\nSo very gorgeous.\n\nCAROL\nMichael, shut the door! You're letting\nbugs in.\n\nthen seeing a rope leading to something he doesn't know of yet.\n\nroom.\n\nJERRY\nIs it me or was that the ugliest baby\nyou have ever seen?\n\nELAINE\nUh, I couldn't look. It was like the\nPekinese.\n\nJERRY\nBoy, a little too much chlorine in that\ngene pool. (They sit)\n\nAnd, you know, the thing is, they're never gonna know, no one's\never gonna\n\ntell them.\n\nELAINE\nOh, you have to lie.\n\nJERRY\nIt's a must lie situation.\n\nELAINE\nYes, it's a must lie situation.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, I don't think we should tell\nGeorge we saw Jane topless.\n\nELAINE\nNo, I don't think so.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, we might want to tell Kramer.\n\nBEN\nOh this ointment should do it.\n\nCAROL\nHow are you feeling, Adam? (She sees\nElaine in the hall) Elaine!\n\n(Elaine enters) This is our pediatrician, Ben Feffa.\n\nELAINE\nHi.\n\nCAROL\nLook at him, Elaine. How gorgeous is\nhe? I ask you, how gorgeous?\n\nELAINE\n(Looking at Ben) Pretty gorgeous.\n\nBEN\nElaine, you have children?\n\nELAINE\nMe? Oh no, but I'd love to have a baby,\nI mean, I can't wait to\n\nhave a baby. I'm just dyin' to have a baby.\n\nBEN\nA beautiful woman like you should. You're\nquite\n\nbreathtaking.\n\nELAINE\nBreathtaking? I'm breathtaking?\n\nCAROL\nAnd he's very particular. Ben, you're\nstaying tonight, right?\n\nBEN\nSure. (Elaine celebrates to herself\nas Jerry enters and\n\nquickly looks away from the baby)\n\nJERRY\nAh, I'm gonna go pick up Rachel at the\nstation.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, see ya.\n\nJERRY\nOkay. (He leaves)\n\nCAROL\nOh, just look at him!\n\nBEN\nYeah, he really is breathtaking. (Elaine\nconfused by his\n\ncomment)\n\nRACHEL\nTrain was so crowded. I had to sit in\nthe seat facing the wrong\n\nway.\n\nJERRY\nOh I like that. It's like going back\nin time. (George comes\n\noutside)\n\nGEORGE\nHey Rachel!\n\nRACHEL\n(Quickly gets out of seat) Hi. I'm gonna\ngo in there to change.\n\n(She leaves)\n\nGEORGE\nWhat kind of a greeting was that?\n\nJERRY\nShe's got greeting problems.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. I love Hampton tomatoes. You know,\nyou can eat 'em like\n\napples. You know it's funny, the tomato never took on as a hand\nfruit.\n\nJERRY\nWell, the tomato's an anomaly. So successful\nwith the ketchup\n\nand the sauce, but you can't find a good one. (Kramer enters\nwith a box of\n\nlobster)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, hey, hey! Look at what I got!\n\nGEORGE\nHey! Wow, the K-Man! (They walk into\nthe kitchen inside)\n\nJERRY\nYou got lobster for everybody?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, and they're fresh! Right out of\nthe ocean.\n\nGEORGE\nThis is fantastic. Man, what a weekend.\nSwimming, lobster for\n\ndinner...\n\nKRAMER\nI know, it's great. And I saw Jane topless.\n(Jerry shows that\n\n'damn' expression behind George)\n\nGEORGE\nYou saw who, what?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I saw Jane topless. Well, we all\nsaw her.\n\nJERRY\n(Jerry realizes the situation is hopeless)\nAll right.\n\nGEORGE\nYou saw Jane topless?\n\nJERRY\nWell, when you went for the tomatoes\nshe lied out topless.\n\nGEORGE\nOh you mean face down on her chest.\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nFace up on her back?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nWell why'd she do that?\n\nKRAMER\nI guess she was hot.\n\nGEORGE\nYou mean she just laid there topless?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, she got up, walked around...\n\nGEORGE\nWalked around? And you looked?\n\nKRAMER\nOf course. She's got a great body, buddy.\nAll right, I'm gonna go\n\nupstairs, I'll be right back.\n\nGEORGE\nI can't believe it, you saw her before\nme.\n\nJERRY\nThink of me as a doctor. (They go outside\nagain)\n\nGEORGE\nWell, how good a look did you get?\n\nJERRY\nWell what'd you mean?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, if she was a criminal and you\nhad to describe her to a police\n\nsketch artist...\n\nJERRY\nThey'd pick her up in about ten minutes.\n\nGEORGE\nGreat, great. So anytime you want you\ncan just visualize her\n\nnaked.\n\nJERRY\nI guess that's true...\n\nGEORGE\nStop it, stop it! It's not fair. It's\nnot fair. I don't like\n\nthis situation, Jerry. I don't like it one bit.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you want me to do? You wanna\nsee Rachel naked?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, yes! The punishment should fit\nthe crime.\n\nJERRY\nYou can see me naked. I can offer you\nthat.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's like I'm Neil Armstrong. I turn\naround for a sip of Tang and\n\nyou jump out first.\n\nELAINE\nNobody ever called me breathtaking before.\n\nJERRY\nI've never been called breathtaking\neither.\n\nELAINE\nI mean, if he thinks that that baby's\nbreathtaking, then who's not\n\nbreathtaking?\n\nJERRY\nMaybe he just said it because the mother\nwas in the room.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, right, that's a possibility. I\nhave to find out.\n\nJERRY\nHow are you gonna do that?\n\nELAINE\nI can be very clever.\n\nRACHEL\nI'm gonna take a swim.\n\nELAINE\nOh, me too. I'll meet you down. (She\ngoes in the hall and sees\n\nGeorge) Oh, don't go in, Rachel's getting undressed.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, okay. (Starts to walk other way\nand then walks to their room\n\nand goes in)\n\nRACHEL\nHey!\n\nGEORGE\nOh, sorry.\n\nRACHEL\nDon't you knock?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm sorry, uh, it's not like I'm gonna\nsee something I've never\n\nseen before.\n\nJERRY\nYou might have.\n\nGEORGE\nI didn't.\n\nJERRY\nYou won't.\n\nRACHEL\nWhat'd you want anyway, George?\n\nJERRY\nYes, George. I'm kind of wondering myself.\nWhat is it what you\n\nwant?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I was just wondering... if you guys,\nuh, had any gum.\n\nJERRY\nOh! So you were swimming in the pool,\nand you wanted some gum.\n\nGEORGE\nYes, because the water was cold... and\nthe chewing warms me up.\n\nRACHEL\nWe don't have any gum.\n\nGEORGE\nOkay. (Chewing) Thanks anyway. (Continues\nto chew as he exits)\n\nRACHEL\nStrange man.\n\nJERRY\nWait'll you get to know him.\n\nRACHEL\nSo where is this baby, anyway?\n\nJERRY\nOh, check it out. I guarantee you've\nnever seen anything quite so\n\nobjectionable. It's down the hall, third door on your left. (Rachel\nwalks\n\ndown hall, walks in on George changing out of his swimsuit)\n\nRACHEL\n(She screams) Oh my God! I'm sorry,\nI thought this was the baby's\n\nroom. I'm really sorry. (She exits)\n\nGEORGE\nI was in the pool! I was in the pool!\n\nGEORGE\nDid she do it on purpose?\n\nJERRY\nIt was my fault, I told her the wrong\ndoor.\n\nGEORGE\nI was supposed to see her. She wasn't\nsupposed to see me.\n\nJERRY\nSo what?\n\nGEORGE\nWell ordinarily I wouldn't mind. But...\n\nJERRY\nBut...\n\nGEORGE\nWell I just got back from swimming in\nthe pool. And the water was\n\ncold...\n\nJERRY\nOh... You mean... shrinkage.\n\nGEORGE\nYes. Significant shrinkage!\n\nJERRY\nSo you feel you were short changed.\n\nGEORGE\nYes! I mean, if she thinks that's me\nshe's under a complete\n\nmisapprehension. That was not me, Jerry. That was not me.\n\nJERRY\nWell, so what's the difference?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat if she discusses it with Jane?\n\nJERRY\nOh, she's not gonna tell Jane.\n\nGEORGE\nHow do you know?\n\nJERRY\nWomen aren't like us.\n\nGEORGE\nThey're worse! They're much worse than\nus, they talk about\n\neverything! Couldn't you at least tell her about the shrinkage\nfactor?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I'm not gonna tell her about your\nshrinkage. Besides, I think\n\nwomen know about shrinkage.\n\nGEORGE\nHow do women know about shrinkage? (They\nsee Elaine walking down\n\nthe hall) Elaine! Get! (She enters) Do women know about shrinkage?\n\nELAINE\nWhat do you mean, like laundry?\n\nGEORGE\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nLike when a man goes swimming... afterwards...\n\nELAINE\nIt shrinks?\n\nJERRY\nLike a frightened turtle!\n\nELAINE\nWhy does it shrink?\n\nGEORGE\nIt just does.\n\nELAINE\nI don't know how you guys walk around\nwith those things.\n\nMICHAEL\nThanks for the lobster, Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nRachel, aren't you gonna have any?\n\nRACHEL\nOh, no, I can't. I'm kosher, we don't\neat shellfish.\n\nKRAMER\nYou mean you've never tasted lobster?\n\nRACHEL\nNo.\n\nKRAMER\nWow. You're so pious. I really respect\nthat. You know when you\n\ndie, you're gonna get some special attention.\n\nCAROL\nOh, the baby's crying. I'll go get him.\nHe can sit with us.\n\nELAINE + JERRY\nNo!\n\nJERRY\nNo, you don't wanna do that. You'll\nbe uncomfortable.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, finish eating. The baby's not\ngonna have any fun over here.\n\nWe're not fun for a baby.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, the lobster'll scare him.\n\nCAROL\nI'm gonna get him.\n\nGEORGE\nSee, look at this. Rachel, my T-shirt\nshrunk. It used to be much\n\nbigger, and now it shrunk. You see, that's what water does. It\nshrinks\n\nthings.\n\nELAINE\nReally? Tell us more, Mr. Science. (Rachel\nwhispers in Jane's\n\near, which prompts Jane to laugh)\n\nGEORGE\nWhat're you doing? What're you, telling\nsecrets? What're you\n\nlaughing at?\n\nJANE\nIt's nothing, George.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, it's very impolite to tell\nsecrets. Are you talking\n\nabout me?\n\nJANE\nWhat is it with you?\n\nJERRY\n(To George) Easy big fella.\n\nMICHAEL\nSo Kramer, where'd you get all these\nlobster, at the\n\nFleesher's Market?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, I got 'em in the ocean.\n\nMICHAEL\nThe ocean? What'd you mean?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I found this rope and I kept tugging\non it, and all these\n\nlobsters came up.\n\nMICHAEL\nThose are commercial lobster traps.\nYou can't take those\n\nlobsters from there. That's against the law.\n\nKRAMER\nTake it easy. There's plenty of lobsters\nin the ocean for\n\neveryone.\n\nMICHAEL\nMy father was a lobsterman. He got up\nevery morning at\n\nfour and came home every night stinking of brine. He sent me\nthrough law\n\nschool with the lobsters he caught! (Kramer stands up from table)\n\nCAROL\n(Entering with baby) Here he is.\n\nKRAMER\nAhhh! (Falls to floor as he sees the\nbaby)\n\nELAINE\nSome night, huh?\n\nBEN\nYeah, I wish I had my telescope.\n\nELAINE\nSome dinner, huh?\n\nBEN\nNothing like fresh caught lobster.\n\nELAINE\nSome house, huh?\n\nBEN\nIt was built by Mark Farman.\n\nELAINE\nSome ugly baby, huh?\n\nBEN\nWhat did you say?\n\nELAINE\nI said, uh, some snuggly baby.\n\nBEN\nHe is something.\n\nELAINE\nWell, to tell you the truth, Dr. Feffa,\nI, I was surprised to hear\n\nyou use a word like breathtaking to describe a baby, I mean,\nbecause you\n\nalso used it referring to me.\n\nBEN\nWell, you know Elaine, sometimes you\nsay things just to be\n\nnice. (Elaine relieved, then confused, not knowing if he was\nbeing nice to\n\nher or to the baby)\n\nJERRY\nYou told her?\n\nRACHEL\nYeah, what's the big deal?\n\nJERRY\nYou don't understand. This organ, it's\nvery... schizophrenic.\n\nRACHEL\nJerry, what the difference? You know,\nyou're the ones obsessed\n\nwith this stuff, not us. I'm sure it wouldn't matter to Jane.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're going back to New York now?\n\nJANE\nYeah, I have some things to do.\n\nGEORGE\nUh huh. Uh huh! I think you spoke to\nyour little friend Rachel,\n\nthat's what I think.\n\nJANE\nSo what if I did?\n\nGEORGE\nAnd she didn't say something to you\nabout a certain something?\n\nJANE\nI don't know what you're talking about.\n\nGEORGE\n*I* think that *you* think that a certain\n*something* is not all\n\nthat it could be, when in fact it is is all that it *should*\nbe, and\n\n*more*!\n\nJANE\nI'm sure it is.\n\nGEORGE\nLook, you don't understand. There was\nshrinkage.\n\nfridge and Kramer lights up a cigar.\n\nKRAMER\nLooking for this? (Holding up lobster)\n\nRACHEL\nOh, Kramer! You startled me.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I thought you might wind up around\nhere.\n\nRACHEL\nYeah, well, I couldn't stop thinking\nabout how everyone was\n\nenjoying the lobster so much. I thought I little taste wouldn't\nhurt, huh?\n\nKRAMER\nI'm afraid I couldn't do that.\n\nRACHEL\nWhy not?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, that wouldn't be kosher.\n\nRACHEL\nC'mon, Kramer. I really want to try\nit.\n\nKRAMER\nNah, I'm sorry, honey. Not on my watch.\n\nRACHEL\nCome on, Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nHeyahhh!\n\nRACHEL\nI just heard a car drive out. What was\nthat?\n\nJERRY\nOh, that's just Jane driving home to\nNew York in the middle of the\n\nnight. (Rachel shocked)\n\nCAROL\nGeorge, thanks so much for making breakfast.\n\nELAINE\nGeorge, these are the best scrambled\neggs I've ever tasted.\n\nKRAMER\nI didn't know you could cook.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I'm just expressing my gratitude\nto our gracious host.\n\nBEN\nYes, George, the whole breakfast is\nbreathtaking. (Rachel\n\nand Jerry enter)\n\nRACHEL\nGood morning.\n\nALL\nHey, hey.\n\nRACHEL\nKramer, I just want to thank you again\nfor last night, you really\n\nsaved me.\n\nMICHAEL\nWhat happened?\n\nRACHEL\nWell, I almost tried the lobster, but\nKramer stopped me.\n\nKRAMER\nYou'd regret it for the rest of your\nlife.\n\nRACHEL\nYou're right, I would have.\n\nJERRY\n(Referring to George) Hey, look at this\nguy.\n\nGEORGE\nA little breakfast.\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\n(To Rachel) And, uh, you eat eggs, right?\n\nRACHEL\nYes, I do, thanks.\n\nJERRY\nGeez, these are delicious. Where did\nyou learn to make eggs like\n\nthis?\n\nRACHEL\nUmm... This is so good.\n\nGEORGE\nAh, enjoying them?\n\nRACHEL\nMm-hmm.\n\nGEORGE\nUh, good. You know, you might wanna\ntry eating it with one of\n\nthese. (Holds up lobster bib)\n\nRACHEL\nThere's lobster in these eggs?\n\nGEORGE\nNot that much. You know, they tend to\nshrink in the water.\n\n(Rachel storms out of room)\n\nJERRY\nWell, I guess I gotta go, too.\n\nELAINE\nWell, this has turned out to be one\n*helluva* weekend. (Policeman\n\nknocks on door, Michael answers)\n\nMICHAEL\nExcuse me?\n\nPOLICE\nI'm sorry to bother you, but we're trying\nto track down a lobster\n\npoacher that cleaned out on of the traps.\n\nKRAMER\nWonder what's goin' on.\n\nGEORGE\nAh, I guess I should go up and apologize.\n\nMICHAEL\nThere he is, officer. (Michael points\nto Kramer, Kramer\n\nwaves to policeman)\n\nRACHEL\nAhh! Don't you ever knock?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know why Rachel had to drive\nback with Michael to town.\n\nELAINE\nHey, if you saw me naked, I wouldn't\nwant to ride back in the same\n\ncar with you either.\n\nJERRY\nI still can't believe Michael finked\non Kramer.\n\nELAINE\nHow is he gonna pay off a thousand dollar\nfine?\n\nJERRY\nThey got some sort of program.\n\nofficer. Back to the car.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, there's a tomato stand, let's stop,\nI can get some more.\n\nJERRY\nHey, isn't that Michael's car?\n\nELAINE\nThere's Rachel.\n\nGEORGE\nWhere? (He looks out window and gets\nhit by a tomato)\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Opposite.html",
    "text": "THE OPPOSITE\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David, Jerry Seinfeld & Andy Cowan\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nIt is pretty hard to justify, at this\npoint in history, the existence of men\nand their\n\nhandkerchiefs. I mean, they open it up, blow their nose in it,\nand then put it back\n\nin their pockets with their other valuables. Wallet, keys, mucous,\nyup, I've got\n\neverything. Is it because men can't give birth that they're just\nproud of anything\n\nthat comes out of us? We actually have a monogram sewn on to\nthem. What is the\n\nsource of pride here? We actually have it sticking out of the\nbreast pocket of our\n\njacket. \"I have a snot rag.\"\n\nWe see a sad-looking George staring out at the ocean. Then cut\nto the office of Mr.Lippman, where Elaine and Mr. Lippman are\ntoasting in champagne.\n\nMR. LIPPMAN\nTo your promotion.\n\nELAINE\nOh, thank you! ( They drink ) Oh, thank\nyou, Mr Lippman, I can't tell you\n\nhow much I appreciate this. I mean, of course I deserve it.\n\nMR LIPPMAN\nWell, you're really on your way now.\n\nElaine screams with joy and Mr. Lippman coughs violently.\n\nELAINE\nYou really oughtta do something about\nthat cold.\n\n(Monk's)\n\nJERRY\nYou got a raise?\n\nELAINE\nI don't fool around, baby!\n\nJERRY\nI thought you said Pendant was in financial\ntrouble.\n\nELAINE\nThey were, but they're being absorbed\nby Matsushimi, that big Japanese conglomerate.\n\nJERRY\nOh, when did that happen?\n\nELAINE\nThey're signing the papers next week.\n\nJERRY\nDoes this mean they're gonna be publishing\nKramer's coffee table book?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, they'll definitely do it now.\n\nJERRY\nBoy, you're on quite a streak. Job promotion,\nplus you're back with Jake Jarmal.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, it's gettin' serious, we're talking\nabout moving in together.\n\nJERRY\nBoy, you really got it all, I'm sure\nHelen \"Girlie\" Brown would be very proud\nof you.\n\nEnter George\n\nJERRY\nSpeaking of having it all ... Where\nwere you?\n\nGEORGE\nI went to the beach. ( J and E exchange\nlooks )\n\nJERRY\nOh, the beach.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's not working, Jerry. It's just not\nworking.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is it that isn't working?\n\nGEORGE\nWhy did it all turn out like this for\nme? I had so much promise. I was personable,\nI was bright. Oh, maybe not academically\nspeaking, but ... I was perceptive.\nI always know when someone's uncomfortable\nat a party. It became very clear to\nme sitting out there today, that every\ndecision I've ever made, in my entire\nlife, has been wrong. My life is the\nopposite of everything I want it to\nbe. Every instinct I have, in every\nof life, be it something to wear, something\nto eat ... It's all been wrong.\n\n( A waitress comes up to G )\n\nWAITRESS\nTuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always\nhave tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked\nout for me with tuna on toast. I want\nthe complete opposite of on toast. Chicken\nsalad, on rye, untoasted ... and a cup\nof tea.\n\nELAINE\nWell, there's no telling what can happen\nfrom this.\n\nJERRY\nYou know chicken salad is not the opposite\nof tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna,\n'cos salmon swim against the current,\nand the tuna swim with it.\n\nGEORGE\nGood for the tuna.\n\n( A blonde looks at George )\n\nELAINE\nAh, George, you know, that woman just\nlooked at you.\n\nGEORGE\nSo what? What am I supposed to do?\n\nELAINE\nGo talk to her.\n\nGEORGE\nElaine, bald men, with no jobs, and\nno money, who live with their parents,\ndon't approach strange women.\n\nJERRY\nWell here's your chance to try the opposite.\nInstead of tuna salad and being intimidated\nby women, chicken salad and going right\nup to them.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, I should do the opposite, I should.\n\nJERRY\nIf every instinct you have is wrong,\nthen the opposite would have to be right.\n\nGEORGE\nYes, I will do the opposite. I used\nto sit here and do nothing, and regret\nit for the rest of the day, so now I\nwill do the opposite, and I will do\n\nsomething!\n\n( He goes over to the woman )\n\nGEORGE\nExcuse me, I couldn't help but notice\nthat you were looking in my direction.\n\nVICTORIA\nOh, yes I was, you just ordered the\nsame exact lunch as me.\n\n( G takes a deep breath )\n\nGEORGE\nMy name is George. I'm unemployed and\nI live with my parents.\n\nVICTORIA\nI'm Victoria. Hi.\n\nCut to Jerry's apartment. Jerry is on the phone.\n\nJERRY\nAre you kidding? They can't cancel that\nshow on me now, it's too late for me\nto book anything else for that weekend.\nAlright, alright ... okay, bye.\n\n( Enter Kramer )\n\nKRAMER\nHey. Buddy, it's all happening!\n\nJERRY\nWhat's happening?\n\nKRAMER\nThe coffee table book. It's a go!\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah, I heard all about it.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know what this means? I'm starting\nthe book tour. First stop: Regis and\nKathy Lee.\n\nJERRY\nYou're going on Regis and Kathy Lee?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, you better believe it!\n\nJERRY\nI'll loan you my puffy shirt.\n\nKRAMER\nNo,no,no.\n\nJERRY\nWhat're you gonna talk about?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, coffee tables.\n\n( The phone rings )\n\nJERRY\nHello? What? Yeah, sure, I'll do it.\nI just had something cancelled the same\nweekend. Ok. Great. Bye.\n\n( Turns to K )\n\nJERRY\nYou know, life is amazing. I just lost\na job and five minutes later get another,\nsame weekend, same money.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know who you are? Even Steven\n\nCut to G's car; G and Victoria driving\n\nVICTORIA\nAre you growing a beard?\n\nGEORGE\nWhy shave every day? It just grows right\nback.\n\nVICTORIA\nI guess ...\n\nGEORGE\nI'm afraid I'm just not interested in\nhow I present myself. If those kind\nof superficialities are important to\nyou, this probably isn't gonna work.\n\n( A car cuts in in front of them, G has to make a sudden maneuver\n)\n\nVICTORIA\nHey watch, he just cut you off! Did\nyou see that?!\n\nGEORGE\nTake it easy. Take it easy. It's not\nthe end of the world.\n\nCut to the movie theater; two young men are sitting behind G\nand Victoria\n\nMAN NO.1\nHey baby, how about a little tongue\naction, huh?\n\nMAN NO.2\nYeah, stick your tongue down his throat!\n\n( They kick G and Victoria's seats )\n\nVICTORIA\nWhat are we gonna do? Shall we just\nmove?\n\nGEORGE\nThat won't be necessary.\n\n( G gets up and turns towards the two men )\n\nGEORGE\nShut your traps and stop kicking the\nseats! We're trying to watch the movie!\nAnd if I have to tell you again, we're\ngonna take it outside and I'm gonna\nshow you what it's like! You understand\nme? Now, shut your mouths or I'll\n\nshut'em for ya, and if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try\nme. Because I would love it!\n\n( People applaud as G sits down again )\n\nCut to G's car\n\nVICTORIA\nAre you sure you don't wanna come up,\nI mean, it's only nine thirty.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't think we should. We really don't\nknow each other very well.\n\nVICTORIA\nWho are you, George Costanza?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm the opposite of every guy you've\never met.\n\nCut to movie theater. Elaine is waiting for someone\n\nTHEATER MANAGER\nExcuse me, is your name Elaine?\n\nELAINE\nYes.\n\nTHEATER MANAGER\nWere you suposed to meet a Jake Jarmal\nhere?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nTHEATER MANAGER\nWell, I'm afraid he's been in an accident.\n\nELAINE\nAn accident? What happened?\n\nTHEATER MANAGER\nHe got side-swiped by a cab, but he's\nalright. He's in St.Vincent\n\nHospital, room 907.\n\nELAINE\nOh. Ok. Thank you.\n\n( She starts to leave, but changes her mind and goes back to\nthe counter )\n\nELAINE\nCould I have a box of Jujyfruit?\n\nCut to hospital\n\nJAKE\nSo, then, you know, the light was clearly\ngreen, I started walking, he skidded\nand he went right into my hip.\n\nELAINE\n( With her mouth full of Jujyfruit )\nOh, that is so terrible. That is so\nterrible, Jake. I mean, how can people\nbe so stupid? Just sickening.\n\n( Jake looks at E eating )\n\nELAINE\nYou want one?\n\nJAKE\nNo thanks.\n\nELAINE\nSo when do you think you're gonna get\noutta here?\n\nJAKE\nWhere did you get those?\n\nELAINE\nAt the movies.\n\nJAKE\nDidn't the theater manager give you\nthe message before you went in?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, he did.\n\nJAKE\nThen when did you get those?\n\nELAINE\nRight after ... that ...\n\nJAKE\nSo you heard that I was in a car accident\n, and then decided to stop off for some\nJujyfruit?\n\nELAINE\nWell... the counter...was right there,\nand...\n\nJAKE\nI would think, under the circumstances,\nit would have sent you running out the\nbuilding. Apparently, it didn't have\nany effect on you.\n\nELAINE\nNo, no, it does!\n\nJAKE\nIf you got into a car accident, I can\nguarantee you I wouldn't stop for Jujyfruit!\n\nELAINE\nBut...Jake...\n\nJAKE\nI would like to be alone now, please.\n\nELAINE\nBut, Jake, I didn't...\n\nJAKE\nGoodnight!\n\nElaine is forced to leave. We cut to Jerry's apartment. He's\nhaving a poker night.\n\nMAN NO.1\nAh, whaddya say we call it a night?\n\nMAN NO.2\nGood idea, I'm kinda tired.\n\nMAN NO.3\nHow'd you do?\n\nMAN NO.4\nWon 50.\n\nMAN NO.2\nLost 72.\n\nMAN NO.1\nWon 37.\n\nMAN NO.3\nLost 15.\n\nJERRY\nBroke even.\n\nCut to \"Regis and Kathy Lee\"\n\nREGIS\nCan I bring out our next guest now?\n\nKATHY LEE\nPlease, please.\n\nREGIS\nYoung guy, he's got a new book coming\nout, and it's about, and this is the\nbest part -\n\nKATHY LEE\nI love this.\n\nREGIS\nIt's a coffee table book about coffee\ntables!\n\nKATHY LEE\nYeah. Is that clever? I think that is\nso clever!\n\nREGIS\nI think so too. Did you get to meet\nhim back stage?\n\nKATHY LEE\nI did.\n\nREGIS\nI mean, he looks like a fun guy, doesn't\nhe?\n\nKATHY LEE\nI love his hair.\n\nREGIS\nYeah, oh, I do too. This guy could be\na little bonkos. Really. Anyway, if\nyou will, would you please welcome:\nKramer!\n\n( K comes in, kisses Kathy Lee )\n\nKATHY LEE\nI don't know, maybe it's the hair or\nsomething!\n\nREGIS\nKramer. So, a coffee table book about\ncoffee tables. Where did you come up\nwith this idea?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well, ah, I'll tell you, Regis...\nactually, this is a true story. I was\nskiing at the time.\n\nREGIS\nYou know, when I'm skiing, Kramer, I'm\ntrying not to kill myself, and you're\nwriting books!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well, now you kids don't go out\nand try that. You stay in school!\n\nKATHY LEE\nHave you always had an interest in coffee\ntables, because, really, I love coffee\ntables, and I thought I was the only\none.\n\nKRAMER\nYou see the beauty of my book is, if\nyou don't have a coffee table, it turns\ninto a coffee table.\n\n( Demonstrates with his book )\n\nKATHY LEE\nIs that fabulous?\n\nREGIS\nLook at this!\n\nKATHY LEE\nIs that fabulous?\n\nREGIS\nFabulous!\n\nKATHY LEE\nI want one of these.\n\nREGIS\nDid I tell you this guy was bonkos?\n\nKATHY LEE\nThis coffee table (book) is full of\npictures of celebrities' coffee tables.\n\nKRAMER\nThat's true. That's right.\n\nREGIS\nYeah? Well, I'm not in there. Where's\nmine?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, it's on file, right here. ( points\nto his head )\n\nREGIS\nI'm tellin' ya, this guy's bonkos! He\nreally is!\n\nKATHY LEE\nBut he's adorable.\n\n( Kramer takes a sip of coffee, then spits it out all over Kathy\nLee's dress )\n\nREGIS\nWe'll be right back.\n\nCut to Jerry's apartment\n\nJERRY\nSo it's all over?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, it got pretty nasty.\n\nJERRY\nAnd what did you go back for? Jujyfruit?\n\nELAINE\nIt's not like I went across the street.\nI bought the Jujyfruit and I got in\na cab.\n\nJERRY\nWhy didn't you eat it in the cab?\n\nELAINE\nBecause I got popcorn too, and I ate\nthat first.\n\n( E points to the table )\n\nELAINE\nWhat's all this?\n\nJERRY\nPlayed cards last night.\n\nELAINE\nOh yeah? How'd you do?\n\nJERRY\nBroke even.\n\nELAINE\nYou always break even.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I know; like yesterday I lost\na job, and then I got another one, and\nthen I missed a TV show, and later on\nthey re-ran it. And then today I missed\na train, went outside and caught a bus.\nIt never fails! I always even out!\n\nELAINE\nDo you have twenty bucks?\n\nJERRY\nWhat for?\n\nELAINE\nJust gimme twenty bucks.\n\n( E takes the money and throws it out the window )\n\nJERRY\nWhat the hell was that?\n\nELAINE\nLet's see if you get the twenty bucks\nback.\n\nJERRY\nYou know you could've thrown a pencil\nout the window and seen if that came\nback.\n\nELAINE\nYou know, things were going so good\nfor me, you know, I got the job\n\npromotion, we were talking about moving in together -\n\nJERRY\nWell, maybe next time someone's in a\ncar accident you won't stop off for\ncandy first.\n\n( George comes in )\n\nGEORGE\nHey, I just found twenty dollars! I\ntell you this, something is happening\nin my life. I did this opposite thing\nlast night. Up was down, black was white,\ngood was -\n\nJERRY\nBad.\n\nGEORGE\nDay was -\n\nELAINE\nNight.\n\nGEORGE\nYes!\n\nJERRY\nSo you just did the opposite of everything?\n\nGEORGE\nYes. And listen to this, listen to this;\nher uncle works for the Yankees and\nhe's gonna get me a job interview. A\nfront office kind of thing. Assistant\nto the travelling secretary. A job with\nthe New York Yankees! This has been\nthe dream of my life ever since I was\na child, and it's all happening because\nI'm completely ignoring every urge towards\ncommon sense and good judgment I've\never had. This is no longer just some\ncrazy notion. Jerry, this is my religion.\n\nJERRY\nSo I guess your Messiah would be the\nAnti-Christ.\n\n( George rushes out, J+E follow him. J puts his hand in his pocket\n)\n\nJERRY\nElaine ... look! A twenty!\n\nELAINE\nOh my God.\n\nCut to Mr.Lippman's office\n\nKRAMER\nHey boss.\n\nMR. LIPPMAN\nKramer. Come in.\n\nKRAMER\nHow're you doin' there, big guy? ( Puts\nhis arm around the tobacco store Indian\n)\n\nMR. LIPPMAN\nHave a seat.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat, have you got yourself a cold?\n\n( Mr. L sneezes, K jumps in his chair )\n\nKRAMER\nWow, that's quite a honk! Get yourself\nsome vitamin C with rose hips and bioflavenoids.\n\nMR. LIPPMAN\nThe reason I asked you in here, is I\ncaught your appearance on \"Regis and\nKathy Lee\" the other day and -\n\nKRAMER\nIt was pretty good, huh?\n\n( New sneeze, K jumps again )\n\nMR. LIPPMAN\nAnyway, the thinking here is that it\nwould be best if you didn't do any more\nof these shows.\n\nKRAMER\nBecause of the coffee thing?\n\nMR.LIPPMAN\nKramer, I'm sorry.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat about \"Sonia Live\"? Now you're\nnot cancelling \"Sonia Live\"?\n\nMR. LIPPMAN\nIt's out -\n\nKRAMER\nShe's a doctor, I got a thing for her.\n\nMR. LIPPMAN\nKramer, I -\n\n( Mr. L sneezes again, K falls out of his chair )\n\nCut to Yankee Stadium, and G's job interview\n\nMR. CUSHMAN\nWhy don't you tell me about some of\nyour previous job experiences?\n\nGEORGE\nAlrighty. Ah ... my last job was in\npublishing ... I got fired for having\nsex in my office with the cleaning woman.\n\nMR. CUSHMAN\nGo on.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, before that, I was in real\nestate. I quit, because the boss wouldn't\nlet me use his private bathroom. That\nwas it.\n\nMR. CUSHMAN\nDo you talk to everybody like this?\n\nGEORGE\nOf course.\n\nMR. CUSHMAN\nMy niece told me you were different.\n\nGEORGE\nI am different, yeah.\n\nMR. CUSHMAN\nI gotta tell you, you are the complete\nopposite of every applicant we've seen.\n\n( Mr. Cushman gets out of his chair )\n\nMR. CUSHMAN\nAh, Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone\nhere I'd like you to meet. This is Mr.\nCostanza. He's one of the applicants.\n\nMR. STEINBRENNER\nNice to meet you.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I wish I could say the same, but\nI must say, with all due respect, I\nfind it very hard to see the logic behind\nsome of the moves you have made with\nthis fine organization. In the past\ntwenty years you have caused myself,\nand the city of New York, a good deal\nof distress, as we have watched you\ntake our beloved Yankees and reduced\nthem to a laughing stock, all for the\nglorification of your massive ego!\n\nMR. STEINBRENNER\nHire this man!\n\nCut to Pendant Publishing\n\nSECRETARY\nTina Robbins is here to see you.\n\nMAN\nWho's that?\n\nELAINE\nAh, it's my ex-roommate, she moved out\nfour years ago, but I've been sub-\n\nletting my apartment from her.\n\nMAN\nAlright, see ya. ( Meets Tina in the\ndoor ) Hey.\n\nTINA\nPlease.\n\nELAINE\nHi Tina.\n\nTINA\nHi Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nSo, I haven't seen you in a while.\n\nTINA\nElaine, we have a problem.\n\nELAINE\nWell, what is it?\n\nTINA\nYou're getting kicked out.\n\nELAINE\nKicked out?! Why?!\n\nTINA\nWell, there's been a number of complaints.\n\nELAINE\nYeah? Like what?\n\nTINA\nWell, like last Thanksgiving you buzzed\nup a jewel thief.\n\nELAINE\nI didn't know who he was!\n\nTINA\nThat's why there's a buzzer.\n\nELAINE\nWhat else?\n\nTINA\nWell, apparently, the week after that,\nyou buzzed up some Jehova's Witnesses\nand they couldn't get them out of the\nbuilding.\n\nELAINE\nWhat else have you got?\n\nTINA\nWell, let's see. ( Takes out a list\nfrom her bag )\n\nCut to Monk's\n\nJERRY\nI'll tell you what the big advantage\nof homosexuality is. If you're going\nout with someone your size, right there\nyou double your wardrobe.\n\nRACHEL\nI suppose...\n\nJERRY\nOh, come on, that's a huge feature.\nWhen they approach a new recruit, I'm\nsure that's one of the big selling points.\n\nRACHEL\nJerry ...\n\nJERRY\nYes?\n\nRACHEL\nI've been doing a lot of thinking.\n\nJERRY\nAha?\n\nRACHEL\nWell, I don't think we should see each\nother any more.\n\nJERRY\nOh, that's okay.\n\nRACHEL\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nNah, that's fine. No problem. I'll meet\nsomebody else.\n\nRACHEL\nYou will?\n\nJERRY\nSure. See, things always even out for\nme.\n\nRACHEL\nHuh?\n\nJERRY\nIt's fine. Anyway, it's been really\nnice dating you for a while. And ...\ngood luck!\n\nRACHEL\nYeah, you too.\n\nJerry leaves. Cut to Jerry's apartment\n\nJERRY\nThe New York Yankees?!\n\nGEORGE\nThe New York Yankees!\n\nJERRY\nRuth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle ... Costanza?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm the assistant to the travelling\nsecretary. I'm going on the road trips\nwith them! I'll be on the plane... I'm\nworking in Yankee Stadium! This is a\ndream, I'm busting, Jerry, I'm busting!\n\nJERRY\nI can't believe it.\n\n( The door buzzes, J lets E up )\n\nGEORGE\nAnd I' moving out of my parents' house,\nI'm taking that apartment on 86th street,\nremember the one we saw?\n\nJERRY\nThat's a great place!\n\nGEORGE\nI'm back in business, baby!\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, I wouldn't get too excited about\nthis stuff, you know, things have a\nway of evening out.\n\nGEORGE\nHey! ( to Elaine, who doesn't look too\ncheerful )\n\nJERRY\nHi Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nHi.\n\nJERRY\nHow're things going?\n\nELAINE\nHow're things going? You wanna know\nhow things are going? I'll tell you\nhow things are going. I am getting kicked\nout of my apartment!\n\nJERRY\nWhy? Why are they doing that?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know! They have a list of grievances.\n\nJERRY\nThe jewel thief?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, the jewel thief.\n\nJERRY\nWhat else?\n\nELAINE\nI put Canadian quarters in the washing\nmachine. I gotta be out by the end of\nthe month.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, you could move in with my parents.\n\nELAINE\nWas that the ... opposite ... of what\nyou were going to say, or was that just\ninstinct? ( She squeezes G's mouth between\nher fingers )\n\nGEORGE\nInstinct.\n\nELAINE\nStick ... with the opposite. ( Slaps\nG on the forehead )\n\nJERRY\nElaine, don't get too down. Everything'll\neven out, see, I have two friends, you\nwere up, he was down. Now he's up, you're\ndown. You see how it all evens out for\nme?\n\nCut to Pendant Publishing\n\nSECRETARY\nMr. Lippman, the people from Matsushimi\nare here.\n\nMR. LIPPMAN\nAlright... tell them I'll be right there.\nWell, this is it, Elaine. You know,\nwithout this merger, we'd be out on\nthe street. Boy, they sure saved us.\n\n( Mr Lippman leaves the room, and forgets his handkerchief, which\nhe probably needs because of his cold, and Elaine can't tell\nhim, 'cos she's got her mouth full of Jujyfruit...)\n\n( Mr Lippman goes to meet the Japansese businessmen, then he\nsneezes, and realizes he doesn't have his handkerchief, but he\nis forced to meet the Japanese, as they have already spotted\nhim and started talking to him )\n\nINTERPRETER\nMr Lippman, it is with great pride that\nwe undertake this partnership with your\ncompany.\n\n( The Japansese \"boss\" reaches out his hand to shake Mr L's )\n\nMR LIPPMAN\nI ... I'm sorry, I can't shake your\nhand right now. It's germs.\n\n( This leads to a loud discussion in Japanese, and we sense a\nrather hostile atmosphere )\n\nCut to George's parents' house\n\nJERRY\nIs that the end of it?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, it's the last one.\n\nESTELLE\nI can't believe you're moving out. (\nGrabs Kramer ) Kramer, is this true?\nIs it really happening? It's ... it's\nlike a dream.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, it's true.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, let's go.\n\nFRANK\nDon't get in trouble with the Yankees.\nYou be nice. ( Slaps G's forehead )\n\nGEORGE\nI'm not gonna be nice. That's how I\ngot the job.\n\nESTELLE\nJerry, did you hear this?\n\nJERRY\nHe knows what he's doing.\n\n( G pulls both his parents to him )\n\nGEORGE\nI just want the both of you to know\nhow much you mean to me, and I love\nyou both very, very much.\n\n( K and J look at each other )\n\nJERRY\nOpposite.\n\nCut to Monk's\n\nELAINE\nI must've had at least eight in my mouth.\nI couldn't talk. I couldn't talk!\n\nJERRY\nWhy'd you have to eat so many?\n\nELAINE\nBecause they're Jujyfruit. I like them.\nI didn't know it would start a chain\nreaction that would lead to the end\nof Pendant Publishing.\n\nJERRY\nNot to mention the end of Kramer's coffee\ntable book.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, you knew he had a cold. How'd\nyou expect him to blow his nose?\n\nELAINE\nDo you know what's going on here? Can't\nyou see what's happened? I've become\nGeorge.\n\nJERRY\nDon't say that.\n\nELAINE\nIt's true. I'm George! I'm George!\n\n( Enter George, dressed in A Yankees suit )\n\nGEORGE\nGreetings, people. Greetings. Greetings\nand salutations. What a beautiful day\nfor a ball game. Let's play two! ( Sits\ndown, says to waitress:)\n\nOh, I'll have the chicken salad on rye, my usual, you know what\nI get, darlin'. ( Turns to the Gang ) So, let's see, I had a\nlittle conversation today with Mr Don Mattingly - he's the first\nbase man. We talked about his new batting stance, you know, I'm\nnot crazy about it, but I said, \"Danny, go with it 'till it\nstops workin'.\" Donny baseball. He's a helluva guy.\n\n( J and K pay the check )\n\nKRAMER\nWait, wait, wait, that's too much. Mine\nwas more than yours.\n\nJERRY\nAh ... let's call it even.\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nCoffee's a drink that seems to encourage\na lot of accessories around it. Coffee\ncake, coffee table, coffee table book,\nclutches of people. Say what you want\nabout alcohol, but not only are there\nnot a lot of optional accessories, alcohol\nactually helps you get rid of things.\nFamily, home, job, driver's license.\nIn fact, at a certain point, the only\nthing you have to remember to get, is\nmore alcohol And maybe a rag for your\nsqueegee.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Chaperone.html",
    "text": "THE OPPOSITE\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David, Jerry Seinfeld & Andy Cowan\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nIt is pretty hard to justify, at this\npoint in history, the existence of men\nand their\n\nhandkerchiefs. I mean, they open it up, blow their nose in it,\nand then put it back\n\nin their pockets with their other valuables. Wallet, keys, mucous,\nyup, I've got\n\neverything. Is it because men can't give birth that they're just\nproud of anything\n\nthat comes out of us? We actually have a monogram sewn on to\nthem. What is the\n\nsource of pride here? We actually have it sticking out of the\nbreast pocket of our\n\njacket. \"I have a snot rag.\"\n\nWe see a sad-looking George staring out at the ocean. Then cut\nto the office of Mr.Lippman, where Elaine and Mr. Lippman are\ntoasting in champagne.\n\nMR. LIPPMAN\nTo your promotion.\n\nELAINE\nOh, thank you! ( They drink ) Oh, thank\nyou, Mr Lippman, I can't tell you\n\nhow much I appreciate this. I mean, of course I deserve it.\n\nMR LIPPMAN\nWell, you're really on your way now.\n\nElaine screams with joy and Mr. Lippman coughs violently.\n\nELAINE\nYou really oughtta do something about\nthat cold.\n\n(Monk's)\n\nJERRY\nYou got a raise?\n\nELAINE\nI don't fool around, baby!\n\nJERRY\nI thought you said Pendant was in financial\ntrouble.\n\nELAINE\nThey were, but they're being absorbed\nby Matsushimi, that big Japanese conglomerate.\n\nJERRY\nOh, when did that happen?\n\nELAINE\nThey're signing the papers next week.\n\nJERRY\nDoes this mean they're gonna be publishing\nKramer's coffee table book?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, they'll definitely do it now.\n\nJERRY\nBoy, you're on quite a streak. Job promotion,\nplus you're back with Jake Jarmal.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, it's gettin' serious, we're talking\nabout moving in together.\n\nJERRY\nBoy, you really got it all, I'm sure\nHelen \"Girlie\" Brown would be very proud\nof you.\n\nEnter George\n\nJERRY\nSpeaking of having it all ... Where\nwere you?\n\nGEORGE\nI went to the beach. ( J and E exchange\nlooks )\n\nJERRY\nOh, the beach.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's not working, Jerry. It's just not\nworking.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is it that isn't working?\n\nGEORGE\nWhy did it all turn out like this for\nme? I had so much promise. I was personable,\nI was bright. Oh, maybe not academically\nspeaking, but ... I was perceptive.\nI always know when someone's uncomfortable\nat a party. It became very clear to\nme sitting out there today, that every\ndecision I've ever made, in my entire\nlife, has been wrong. My life is the\nopposite of everything I want it to\nbe. Every instinct I have, in every\nof life, be it something to wear, something\nto eat ... It's all been wrong.\n\n( A waitress comes up to G )\n\nWAITRESS\nTuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always\nhave tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked\nout for me with tuna on toast. I want\nthe complete opposite of on toast. Chicken\nsalad, on rye, untoasted ... and a cup\nof tea.\n\nELAINE\nWell, there's no telling what can happen\nfrom this.\n\nJERRY\nYou know chicken salad is not the opposite\nof tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna,\n'cos salmon swim against the current,\nand the tuna swim with it.\n\nGEORGE\nGood for the tuna.\n\n( A blonde looks at George )\n\nELAINE\nAh, George, you know, that woman just\nlooked at you.\n\nGEORGE\nSo what? What am I supposed to do?\n\nELAINE\nGo talk to her.\n\nGEORGE\nElaine, bald men, with no jobs, and\nno money, who live with their parents,\ndon't approach strange women.\n\nJERRY\nWell here's your chance to try the opposite.\nInstead of tuna salad and being intimidated\nby women, chicken salad and going right\nup to them.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, I should do the opposite, I should.\n\nJERRY\nIf every instinct you have is wrong,\nthen the opposite would have to be right.\n\nGEORGE\nYes, I will do the opposite. I used\nto sit here and do nothing, and regret\nit for the rest of the day, so now I\nwill do the opposite, and I will do\n\nsomething!\n\n( He goes over to the woman )\n\nGEORGE\nExcuse me, I couldn't help but notice\nthat you were looking in my direction.\n\nVICTORIA\nOh, yes I was, you just ordered the\nsame exact lunch as me.\n\n( G takes a deep breath )\n\nGEORGE\nMy name is George. I'm unemployed and\nI live with my parents.\n\nVICTORIA\nI'm Victoria. Hi.\n\nCut to Jerry's apartment. Jerry is on the phone.\n\nJERRY\nAre you kidding? They can't cancel that\nshow on me now, it's too late for me\nto book anything else for that weekend.\nAlright, alright ... okay, bye.\n\n( Enter Kramer )\n\nKRAMER\nHey. Buddy, it's all happening!\n\nJERRY\nWhat's happening?\n\nKRAMER\nThe coffee table book. It's a go!\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah, I heard all about it.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know what this means? I'm starting\nthe book tour. First stop: Regis and\nKathy Lee.\n\nJERRY\nYou're going on Regis and Kathy Lee?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, you better believe it!\n\nJERRY\nI'll loan you my puffy shirt.\n\nKRAMER\nNo,no,no.\n\nJERRY\nWhat're you gonna talk about?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, coffee tables.\n\n( The phone rings )\n\nJERRY\nHello? What? Yeah, sure, I'll do it.\nI just had something cancelled the same\nweekend. Ok. Great. Bye.\n\n( Turns to K )\n\nJERRY\nYou know, life is amazing. I just lost\na job and five minutes later get another,\nsame weekend, same money.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know who you are? Even Steven\n\nCut to G's car; G and Victoria driving\n\nVICTORIA\nAre you growing a beard?\n\nGEORGE\nWhy shave every day? It just grows right\nback.\n\nVICTORIA\nI guess ...\n\nGEORGE\nI'm afraid I'm just not interested in\nhow I present myself. If those kind\nof superficialities are important to\nyou, this probably isn't gonna work.\n\n( A car cuts in in front of them, G has to make a sudden maneuver\n)\n\nVICTORIA\nHey watch, he just cut you off! Did\nyou see that?!\n\nGEORGE\nTake it easy. Take it easy. It's not\nthe end of the world.\n\nCut to the movie theater; two young men are sitting behind G\nand Victoria\n\nMAN NO.1\nHey baby, how about a little tongue\naction, huh?\n\nMAN NO.2\nYeah, stick your tongue down his throat!\n\n( They kick G and Victoria's seats )\n\nVICTORIA\nWhat are we gonna do? Shall we just\nmove?\n\nGEORGE\nThat won't be necessary.\n\n( G gets up and turns towards the two men )\n\nGEORGE\nShut your traps and stop kicking the\nseats! We're trying to watch the movie!\nAnd if I have to tell you again, we're\ngonna take it outside and I'm gonna\nshow you what it's like! You understand\nme? Now, shut your mouths or I'll\n\nshut'em for ya, and if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try\nme. Because I would love it!\n\n( People applaud as G sits down again )\n\nCut to G's car\n\nVICTORIA\nAre you sure you don't wanna come up,\nI mean, it's only nine thirty.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't think we should. We really don't\nknow each other very well.\n\nVICTORIA\nWho are you, George Costanza?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm the opposite of every guy you've\never met.\n\nCut to movie theater. Elaine is waiting for someone\n\nTHEATER MANAGER\nExcuse me, is your name Elaine?\n\nELAINE\nYes.\n\nTHEATER MANAGER\nWere you suposed to meet a Jake Jarmal\nhere?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nTHEATER MANAGER\nWell, I'm afraid he's been in an accident.\n\nELAINE\nAn accident? What happened?\n\nTHEATER MANAGER\nHe got side-swiped by a cab, but he's\nalright. He's in St.Vincent\n\nHospital, room 907.\n\nELAINE\nOh. Ok. Thank you.\n\n( She starts to leave, but changes her mind and goes back to\nthe counter )\n\nELAINE\nCould I have a box of Jujyfruit?\n\nCut to hospital\n\nJAKE\nSo, then, you know, the light was clearly\ngreen, I started walking, he skidded\nand he went right into my hip.\n\nELAINE\n( With her mouth full of Jujyfruit )\nOh, that is so terrible. That is so\nterrible, Jake. I mean, how can people\nbe so stupid? Just sickening.\n\n( Jake looks at E eating )\n\nELAINE\nYou want one?\n\nJAKE\nNo thanks.\n\nELAINE\nSo when do you think you're gonna get\noutta here?\n\nJAKE\nWhere did you get those?\n\nELAINE\nAt the movies.\n\nJAKE\nDidn't the theater manager give you\nthe message before you went in?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, he did.\n\nJAKE\nThen when did you get those?\n\nELAINE\nRight after ... that ...\n\nJAKE\nSo you heard that I was in a car accident\n, and then decided to stop off for some\nJujyfruit?\n\nELAINE\nWell... the counter...was right there,\nand...\n\nJAKE\nI would think, under the circumstances,\nit would have sent you running out the\nbuilding. Apparently, it didn't have\nany effect on you.\n\nELAINE\nNo, no, it does!\n\nJAKE\nIf you got into a car accident, I can\nguarantee you I wouldn't stop for Jujyfruit!\n\nELAINE\nBut...Jake...\n\nJAKE\nI would like to be alone now, please.\n\nELAINE\nBut, Jake, I didn't...\n\nJAKE\nGoodnight!\n\nElaine is forced to leave. We cut to Jerry's apartment. He's\nhaving a poker night.\n\nMAN NO.1\nAh, whaddya say we call it a night?\n\nMAN NO.2\nGood idea, I'm kinda tired.\n\nMAN NO.3\nHow'd you do?\n\nMAN NO.4\nWon 50.\n\nMAN NO.2\nLost 72.\n\nMAN NO.1\nWon 37.\n\nMAN NO.3\nLost 15.\n\nJERRY\nBroke even.\n\nCut to \"Regis and Kathy Lee\"\n\nREGIS\nCan I bring out our next guest now?\n\nKATHY LEE\nPlease, please.\n\nREGIS\nYoung guy, he's got a new book coming\nout, and it's about, and this is the\nbest part -\n\nKATHY LEE\nI love this.\n\nREGIS\nIt's a coffee table book about coffee\ntables!\n\nKATHY LEE\nYeah. Is that clever? I think that is\nso clever!\n\nREGIS\nI think so too. Did you get to meet\nhim back stage?\n\nKATHY LEE\nI did.\n\nREGIS\nI mean, he looks like a fun guy, doesn't\nhe?\n\nKATHY LEE\nI love his hair.\n\nREGIS\nYeah, oh, I do too. This guy could be\na little bonkos. Really. Anyway, if\nyou will, would you please welcome:\nKramer!\n\n( K comes in, kisses Kathy Lee )\n\nKATHY LEE\nI don't know, maybe it's the hair or\nsomething!\n\nREGIS\nKramer. So, a coffee table book about\ncoffee tables. Where did you come up\nwith this idea?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well, ah, I'll tell you, Regis...\nactually, this is a true story. I was\nskiing at the time.\n\nREGIS\nYou know, when I'm skiing, Kramer, I'm\ntrying not to kill myself, and you're\nwriting books!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well, now you kids don't go out\nand try that. You stay in school!\n\nKATHY LEE\nHave you always had an interest in coffee\ntables, because, really, I love coffee\ntables, and I thought I was the only\none.\n\nKRAMER\nYou see the beauty of my book is, if\nyou don't have a coffee table, it turns\ninto a coffee table.\n\n( Demonstrates with his book )\n\nKATHY LEE\nIs that fabulous?\n\nREGIS\nLook at this!\n\nKATHY LEE\nIs that fabulous?\n\nREGIS\nFabulous!\n\nKATHY LEE\nI want one of these.\n\nREGIS\nDid I tell you this guy was bonkos?\n\nKATHY LEE\nThis coffee table (book) is full of\npictures of celebrities' coffee tables.\n\nKRAMER\nThat's true. That's right.\n\nREGIS\nYeah? Well, I'm not in there. Where's\nmine?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, it's on file, right here. ( points\nto his head )\n\nREGIS\nI'm tellin' ya, this guy's bonkos! He\nreally is!\n\nKATHY LEE\nBut he's adorable.\n\n( Kramer takes a sip of coffee, then spits it out all over Kathy\nLee's dress )\n\nREGIS\nWe'll be right back.\n\nCut to Jerry's apartment\n\nJERRY\nSo it's all over?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, it got pretty nasty.\n\nJERRY\nAnd what did you go back for? Jujyfruit?\n\nELAINE\nIt's not like I went across the street.\nI bought the Jujyfruit and I got in\na cab.\n\nJERRY\nWhy didn't you eat it in the cab?\n\nELAINE\nBecause I got popcorn too, and I ate\nthat first.\n\n( E points to the table )\n\nELAINE\nWhat's all this?\n\nJERRY\nPlayed cards last night.\n\nELAINE\nOh yeah? How'd you do?\n\nJERRY\nBroke even.\n\nELAINE\nYou always break even.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I know; like yesterday I lost\na job, and then I got another one, and\nthen I missed a TV show, and later on\nthey re-ran it. And then today I missed\na train, went outside and caught a bus.\nIt never fails! I always even out!\n\nELAINE\nDo you have twenty bucks?\n\nJERRY\nWhat for?\n\nELAINE\nJust gimme twenty bucks.\n\n( E takes the money and throws it out the window )\n\nJERRY\nWhat the hell was that?\n\nELAINE\nLet's see if you get the twenty bucks\nback.\n\nJERRY\nYou know you could've thrown a pencil\nout the window and seen if that came\nback.\n\nELAINE\nYou know, things were going so good\nfor me, you know, I got the job\n\npromotion, we were talking about moving in together -\n\nJERRY\nWell, maybe next time someone's in a\ncar accident you won't stop off for\ncandy first.\n\n( George comes in )\n\nGEORGE\nHey, I just found twenty dollars! I\ntell you this, something is happening\nin my life. I did this opposite thing\nlast night. Up was down, black was white,\ngood was -\n\nJERRY\nBad.\n\nGEORGE\nDay was -\n\nELAINE\nNight.\n\nGEORGE\nYes!\n\nJERRY\nSo you just did the opposite of everything?\n\nGEORGE\nYes. And listen to this, listen to this;\nher uncle works for the Yankees and\nhe's gonna get me a job interview. A\nfront office kind of thing. Assistant\nto the travelling secretary. A job with\nthe New York Yankees! This has been\nthe dream of my life ever since I was\na child, and it's all happening because\nI'm completely ignoring every urge towards\ncommon sense and good judgment I've\never had. This is no longer just some\ncrazy notion. Jerry, this is my religion.\n\nJERRY\nSo I guess your Messiah would be the\nAnti-Christ.\n\n( George rushes out, J+E follow him. J puts his hand in his pocket\n)\n\nJERRY\nElaine ... look! A twenty!\n\nELAINE\nOh my God.\n\nCut to Mr.Lippman's office\n\nKRAMER\nHey boss.\n\nMR. LIPPMAN\nKramer. Come in.\n\nKRAMER\nHow're you doin' there, big guy? ( Puts\nhis arm around the tobacco store Indian\n)\n\nMR. LIPPMAN\nHave a seat.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat, have you got yourself a cold?\n\n( Mr. L sneezes, K jumps in his chair )\n\nKRAMER\nWow, that's quite a honk! Get yourself\nsome vitamin C with rose hips and bioflavenoids.\n\nMR. LIPPMAN\nThe reason I asked you in here, is I\ncaught your appearance on \"Regis and\nKathy Lee\" the other day and -\n\nKRAMER\nIt was pretty good, huh?\n\n( New sneeze, K jumps again )\n\nMR. LIPPMAN\nAnyway, the thinking here is that it\nwould be best if you didn't do any more\nof these shows.\n\nKRAMER\nBecause of the coffee thing?\n\nMR.LIPPMAN\nKramer, I'm sorry.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat about \"Sonia Live\"? Now you're\nnot cancelling \"Sonia Live\"?\n\nMR. LIPPMAN\nIt's out -\n\nKRAMER\nShe's a doctor, I got a thing for her.\n\nMR. LIPPMAN\nKramer, I -\n\n( Mr. L sneezes again, K falls out of his chair )\n\nCut to Yankee Stadium, and G's job interview\n\nMR. CUSHMAN\nWhy don't you tell me about some of\nyour previous job experiences?\n\nGEORGE\nAlrighty. Ah ... my last job was in\npublishing ... I got fired for having\nsex in my office with the cleaning woman.\n\nMR. CUSHMAN\nGo on.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, before that, I was in real\nestate. I quit, because the boss wouldn't\nlet me use his private bathroom. That\nwas it.\n\nMR. CUSHMAN\nDo you talk to everybody like this?\n\nGEORGE\nOf course.\n\nMR. CUSHMAN\nMy niece told me you were different.\n\nGEORGE\nI am different, yeah.\n\nMR. CUSHMAN\nI gotta tell you, you are the complete\nopposite of every applicant we've seen.\n\n( Mr. Cushman gets out of his chair )\n\nMR. CUSHMAN\nAh, Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone\nhere I'd like you to meet. This is Mr.\nCostanza. He's one of the applicants.\n\nMR. STEINBRENNER\nNice to meet you.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I wish I could say the same, but\nI must say, with all due respect, I\nfind it very hard to see the logic behind\nsome of the moves you have made with\nthis fine organization. In the past\ntwenty years you have caused myself,\nand the city of New York, a good deal\nof distress, as we have watched you\ntake our beloved Yankees and reduced\nthem to a laughing stock, all for the\nglorification of your massive ego!\n\nMR. STEINBRENNER\nHire this man!\n\nCut to Pendant Publishing\n\nSECRETARY\nTina Robbins is here to see you.\n\nMAN\nWho's that?\n\nELAINE\nAh, it's my ex-roommate, she moved out\nfour years ago, but I've been sub-\n\nletting my apartment from her.\n\nMAN\nAlright, see ya. ( Meets Tina in the\ndoor ) Hey.\n\nTINA\nPlease.\n\nELAINE\nHi Tina.\n\nTINA\nHi Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nSo, I haven't seen you in a while.\n\nTINA\nElaine, we have a problem.\n\nELAINE\nWell, what is it?\n\nTINA\nYou're getting kicked out.\n\nELAINE\nKicked out?! Why?!\n\nTINA\nWell, there's been a number of complaints.\n\nELAINE\nYeah? Like what?\n\nTINA\nWell, like last Thanksgiving you buzzed\nup a jewel thief.\n\nELAINE\nI didn't know who he was!\n\nTINA\nThat's why there's a buzzer.\n\nELAINE\nWhat else?\n\nTINA\nWell, apparently, the week after that,\nyou buzzed up some Jehova's Witnesses\nand they couldn't get them out of the\nbuilding.\n\nELAINE\nWhat else have you got?\n\nTINA\nWell, let's see. ( Takes out a list\nfrom her bag )\n\nCut to Monk's\n\nJERRY\nI'll tell you what the big advantage\nof homosexuality is. If you're going\nout with someone your size, right there\nyou double your wardrobe.\n\nRACHEL\nI suppose...\n\nJERRY\nOh, come on, that's a huge feature.\nWhen they approach a new recruit, I'm\nsure that's one of the big selling points.\n\nRACHEL\nJerry ...\n\nJERRY\nYes?\n\nRACHEL\nI've been doing a lot of thinking.\n\nJERRY\nAha?\n\nRACHEL\nWell, I don't think we should see each\nother any more.\n\nJERRY\nOh, that's okay.\n\nRACHEL\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nNah, that's fine. No problem. I'll meet\nsomebody else.\n\nRACHEL\nYou will?\n\nJERRY\nSure. See, things always even out for\nme.\n\nRACHEL\nHuh?\n\nJERRY\nIt's fine. Anyway, it's been really\nnice dating you for a while. And ...\ngood luck!\n\nRACHEL\nYeah, you too.\n\nJerry leaves. Cut to Jerry's apartment\n\nJERRY\nThe New York Yankees?!\n\nGEORGE\nThe New York Yankees!\n\nJERRY\nRuth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle ... Costanza?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm the assistant to the travelling\nsecretary. I'm going on the road trips\nwith them! I'll be on the plane... I'm\nworking in Yankee Stadium! This is a\ndream, I'm busting, Jerry, I'm busting!\n\nJERRY\nI can't believe it.\n\n( The door buzzes, J lets E up )\n\nGEORGE\nAnd I' moving out of my parents' house,\nI'm taking that apartment on 86th street,\nremember the one we saw?\n\nJERRY\nThat's a great place!\n\nGEORGE\nI'm back in business, baby!\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, I wouldn't get too excited about\nthis stuff, you know, things have a\nway of evening out.\n\nGEORGE\nHey! ( to Elaine, who doesn't look too\ncheerful )\n\nJERRY\nHi Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nHi.\n\nJERRY\nHow're things going?\n\nELAINE\nHow're things going? You wanna know\nhow things are going? I'll tell you\nhow things are going. I am getting kicked\nout of my apartment!\n\nJERRY\nWhy? Why are they doing that?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know! They have a list of grievances.\n\nJERRY\nThe jewel thief?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, the jewel thief.\n\nJERRY\nWhat else?\n\nELAINE\nI put Canadian quarters in the washing\nmachine. I gotta be out by the end of\nthe month.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, you could move in with my parents.\n\nELAINE\nWas that the ... opposite ... of what\nyou were going to say, or was that just\ninstinct? ( She squeezes G's mouth between\nher fingers )\n\nGEORGE\nInstinct.\n\nELAINE\nStick ... with the opposite. ( Slaps\nG on the forehead )\n\nJERRY\nElaine, don't get too down. Everything'll\neven out, see, I have two friends, you\nwere up, he was down. Now he's up, you're\ndown. You see how it all evens out for\nme?\n\nCut to Pendant Publishing\n\nSECRETARY\nMr. Lippman, the people from Matsushimi\nare here.\n\nMR. LIPPMAN\nAlright... tell them I'll be right there.\nWell, this is it, Elaine. You know,\nwithout this merger, we'd be out on\nthe street. Boy, they sure saved us.\n\n( Mr Lippman leaves the room, and forgets his handkerchief, which\nhe probably needs because of his cold, and Elaine can't tell\nhim, 'cos she's got her mouth full of Jujyfruit...)\n\n( Mr Lippman goes to meet the Japansese businessmen, then he\nsneezes, and realizes he doesn't have his handkerchief, but he\nis forced to meet the Japanese, as they have already spotted\nhim and started talking to him )\n\nINTERPRETER\nMr Lippman, it is with great pride that\nwe undertake this partnership with your\ncompany.\n\n( The Japansese \"boss\" reaches out his hand to shake Mr L's )\n\nMR LIPPMAN\nI ... I'm sorry, I can't shake your\nhand right now. It's germs.\n\n( This leads to a loud discussion in Japanese, and we sense a\nrather hostile atmosphere )\n\nCut to George's parents' house\n\nJERRY\nIs that the end of it?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, it's the last one.\n\nESTELLE\nI can't believe you're moving out. (\nGrabs Kramer ) Kramer, is this true?\nIs it really happening? It's ... it's\nlike a dream.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, it's true.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, let's go.\n\nFRANK\nDon't get in trouble with the Yankees.\nYou be nice. ( Slaps G's forehead )\n\nGEORGE\nI'm not gonna be nice. That's how I\ngot the job.\n\nESTELLE\nJerry, did you hear this?\n\nJERRY\nHe knows what he's doing.\n\n( G pulls both his parents to him )\n\nGEORGE\nI just want the both of you to know\nhow much you mean to me, and I love\nyou both very, very much.\n\n( K and J look at each other )\n\nJERRY\nOpposite.\n\nCut to Monk's\n\nELAINE\nI must've had at least eight in my mouth.\nI couldn't talk. I couldn't talk!\n\nJERRY\nWhy'd you have to eat so many?\n\nELAINE\nBecause they're Jujyfruit. I like them.\nI didn't know it would start a chain\nreaction that would lead to the end\nof Pendant Publishing.\n\nJERRY\nNot to mention the end of Kramer's coffee\ntable book.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, you knew he had a cold. How'd\nyou expect him to blow his nose?\n\nELAINE\nDo you know what's going on here? Can't\nyou see what's happened? I've become\nGeorge.\n\nJERRY\nDon't say that.\n\nELAINE\nIt's true. I'm George! I'm George!\n\n( Enter George, dressed in A Yankees suit )\n\nGEORGE\nGreetings, people. Greetings. Greetings\nand salutations. What a beautiful day\nfor a ball game. Let's play two! ( Sits\ndown, says to waitress:)\n\nOh, I'll have the chicken salad on rye, my usual, you know what\nI get, darlin'. ( Turns to the Gang ) So, let's see, I had a\nlittle conversation today with Mr Don Mattingly - he's the first\nbase man. We talked about his new batting stance, you know, I'm\nnot crazy about it, but I said, \"Danny, go with it 'till it\nstops workin'.\" Donny baseball. He's a helluva guy.\n\n( J and K pay the check )\n\nKRAMER\nWait, wait, wait, that's too much. Mine\nwas more than yours.\n\nJERRY\nAh ... let's call it even.\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nCoffee's a drink that seems to encourage\na lot of accessories around it. Coffee\ncake, coffee table, coffee table book,\nclutches of people. Say what you want\nabout alcohol, but not only are there\nnot a lot of optional accessories, alcohol\nactually helps you get rid of things.\nFamily, home, job, driver's license.\nIn fact, at a certain point, the only\nthing you have to remember to get, is\nmore alcohol And maybe a rag for your\nsqueegee.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Big-Salad.html",
    "text": "THE BIG SALAD\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nIt's fascinating. When you go into a stationery store that they're\nmanufacturing millions of pens; constantly we're all buying them.\nI must have bought six thousand Bics in my life. I've used up maybe\ntwo of them. Where are the rest of them? When you move the refrigerator\nthere's a couple back there but it doesn't account for it. Where are all\nthe pens?\n\nThat's why it's so embarrassing if you don't have one. You got\na pen? Can I borrow a pen? We always have to whisper because it's so\nhumiliating.\n\nI don't have a pen. They're making millions of them every week! I know;\nwhere are they?\n\n(Stationery store)\n\nSTATIONER\nMay I help you?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, uh, I'm looking for a Rollamech\n1000 mechanical pencil.\n\nSTATIONER\nOh, I know the Rollamech 1000.\n\nELAINE\nNo, I'm sure you do.\n\nSTATIONER\nThey're pretty expensive.\n\nELAINE\nWell, it's for my boss.\n\nSTATIONER\nWhat do you do?\n\nSTATIONER\nWell, we don't have any in stock right\nnow but I would be happy to order it\nfor you. Just give me your phone number\nand when it comes in I'll give you a\ncall. You're name is?\n\nELAINE\nElaine.\n\nSTATIONER\nElaine, ... and your last name?\n\nELAINE\nIt's just Elaine, like Cher. Ha ha ha\n\nSTATIONER\nAnd your number?\n\nELAINE\nUh, aw, KL5-239O.\n\nSTATIONER\nOkay. Thanks a lot. You'll be hearing\nfrom me.\n\nELAINE\nOkay, (to Jerry) Move along...\n\nJERRY\nWhy did you give him MY number?\n\n(On the street)\n\nELAINE\nI think he's got ideas.\n\nJERRY\nI wonder if any woman ever said that\nabout Einstein?\n\nJERRY\nCall me when the pencil comes in Okay?\n\n(On the street)\n\nELAINE\nJust call me when the new pen comes\nin, okay?\n\nJERRY\nWhy does Mr. Pitt prefer a pencil to\na pen anyway? Hey. Look who's here.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, hey.\n\nELAINE\nHey hey\n\nJULIE\nHi Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHi Julie.\n\nGEORGE\nElaine, Julie.\n\nELAINE\nHi.\n\nJULIE\nHi.\n\nJULIE\nOh, hi. Elaine's my middle name.\n\nELAINE\nOh, mine's \"Ike\".\n\nGEORGE\nHey, wanna get some lunch?\n\nJERRY\nJust had a big bowl of Kix.\n\nGEORGE\nAh, well, that's very mature. What about\nyou?\n\nELAINE\nAh, no.\n\nJULIE\nPlease come, Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nNo, no. How about if you bring me back\nsomething?\n\nGEORGE\nSure, all right, what do you want?\n\nELAINE\nUm, hum, I don't know.... A big salad?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat big salad? I'm going to the coffee\nshop.\n\nELAINE\nThey have big salads.\n\nGEORGE\nI've never seen a big salad.\n\nELAINE\nThey have a big salad.\n\nGEORGE\nIs that what I ask for? The BIG salad?\n\nELAINE\nIt's okay, you don't...\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no, Hey I'll get it. What's in the\nBIG salad?\n\nJERRY\nBig lettuce, big carrots, tomatoes like\nvolleyballs.\n\nGEORGE\n(???), we'll see you in a little while.\n\n(Jerry's)\n\nELAINE\nMaybe I should just get married.\n\nJERRY\nDating is really starting to get embarrassing\nisn't it?\n\nELAINE\nI know. You know, whenever I'm on a\ndate I feel people can tell.\n\nJERRY\nPeople on dates shouldn't even be allowed\nout in public.\n\nELAINE\nYou can say that again.\n\nJERRY\nIt's embarrassing for them. It's painful\nfor us to watch. I'm going out with\nsomeone later, I'm not even taking her\nout of the house.\n\nELAINE\nGood for you.\n\nJERRY\nI don't need a bunch of people staring\nat us.\n\nELAINE\nRight on baby. (???)\n\n(noise from hall)\n\nJERRY\nWhat was that?\n\n(Kramer enters with his golf clubs)\n\nKRAMER\nThat Gendason, what a jerk. I'm never\nplaying golf with him again.\n\nELAINE\nWho Gendason?\n\nKRAMER\nSteve Gendason.\n\n.ELAINE\nWhy is that name familiar?\n\nHX\nHe used to be a baseball player.\n\nELAINE\nOh, how did you end up playing golf\nwith him?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I met him on the course a couple\nof years ago. Yeah. Played with him\na lot. But today was it! We're on the\nfifteenth hole, ya, he's beating me\nby a couple of strokes. Then, he's about\nto hit his second shot, when, he picks\nup the ball and CLEANS it.\n\nELAINE\nSo what?\n\nKRAMER\nUmph, sorry! But the rules clearly state\nthat you cannot clean the ball unless\nit's on the green. The rules are very\nclear about that.\n\nJERRY\nCertainly are.\n\nKRAMER\nYa, so I penalized him a stroke.\n\nJx; Ah, so what happened?\n\nKRAMER\nHe LOST IT! We almost came to blows.\nWe were face to face like a manager\nand an umpire like this . . kara a pukka\nba ya ka ba ...\n\nJERRY\nAll right. You're in MY face.\n\nELAINE\nI still don't see what the big deal\nis.\n\nKRAMER\nA rule is a rule. And let's face it.\nWithout rules there's chaos.\n\n(Monks)\n\nJULIE\nI like Anna ???'s column and Sapphire.\nDon't you like Sapphire?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, Sapphire. Uh ha\n\nJULIE\nAlthough at times can be rather pedantic.\n\nGEORGE\nHe can be pedantic. He can be pedantic.\n\nJULIE\nAnd Bob Herbert's great. He's the Daily\nNews.\n\nGEORGE\nYes. Yes. You know what's interesting.\nThe quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons\nis Bobby Hebert. No \"r\" which I find\nfascinating. You know it's Herbert h-e-r-b-e-r-t,\nHebert h-e-b-e-r-t. \"Hebert\" it's a\nfun name to pronounce. Try and say it\nHebert. Take a shot. All right. (check\narrives) All right. I\n\ngot it.\n\nJULIE\nNo, no. I'd like to take you out.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, Julie, Julie, don't insult me. You\nknow, what difference does it make who\npays for lunch. It's totally meaningless.\n\nJULIE\nOkay, thanks, George.\n\nWX\nHere's your big salad to go.\n\nJULIE\nOh, thank you.\n\n(Jerry's)\n\nJERRY\n(on phone) Hello. No she's not here.\nOkay, fine, whatever. I'll tell her.\nOkay. Goodbye. The stationery store\nguy called to say he ORDERED your pencil.\n\nELAINE\nI told ya'. He has ideas.\n\nJERRY\nHe doesn't even care if a man answers.\n\nELAINE\nOr you.\n\n(George and Julie enter)\n\nGEORGE\nHey, hey.\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nJULIE\nSorry e're late.\n\nELAINE\nNo problem.\n\nJULIE\nHere's your big salad.\n\nELAINE\nThank you, Julie.\n\nJULIE\nOh, you're very welcome. So, I guess\nI better get going. Gotta meet mother\na t the Guggenheim. Sure you don't want\nto go?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, you go Guggenheim. I'm not much\nof a Guggenheim.\n\nJULIE\nSure, George.\n\nGEORGE\nYa, you go.\n\nJULIE\nOkay, I'll see you later. Goodbye.\n\nJERRY\nBye bye\n\n(Julie exits)\n\nGEORGE\nDid you see what just happened?\n\nJERRY\nWell, that all depends...\n\nGEORGE\nDid you happen to notice that Julie\nhanded the big salad to Elaine?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, so?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, she didn't BUY the big salad.\nI bought the big salad.\n\nJERRY\nIs that a fact?\n\nGEORGE\nYes it is. She just took credit for\nmy salad. That's not right.\n\nJERRY\nNo it isn't.\n\nGEORGE\nI mean I'm the one who bought it.\n\nJERRY\nYes you did.\n\nGEORGE\nYou think she should have said something?\n\nJERRY\nShe could have.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, I know.\n\nJERRY\nImagine, her taking credit for your\nbig salad.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know you buy a big salad for somebody\nit would be nice if they knew it.\n\nJERRY\nObviously.\n\n(Kramer rushes in)\n\nKRAMER\nTurn on the TV.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nI'm puttin it on...\n\nTV\n... the district attorney's office\nand the police department have not answered\nany questions as yet. To repeat in case\nyou're just joining us. Former baseball\nstart Steve Genderson, has been taken\nto Police headquarters for questioning\nthe murder of Bobby Pinkus the owner\nof Royal Dry Cleaners at 2759 Amsterdam\nAvenue. According to Pinkus' wife, Gendeson\nhad been involved in a dispute with\nthe cleaner about a stain on a pair\nof gray Sans-A-Belt slacks. We also\nhave a report that earlier in the day\na groundskeeper at Vancourtland's Golf\nCourse saw an irate Gendeson leaving\nthe clubhouse in a huff. Whether there\nis a possible connection between the\ntwo is something we'll just have to\nwait.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry ...\n\nJERRY\nWell, it has nothing to do with you.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, but maybe he was so mad from the\npenalty stroke that he murdered the\ndry cleaner.\n\nJERRY\nWell, generally speaking you don't need\nany extra incentive to murder a dry\ncleaner. I wouldn't worry about that.\n\n(In a cab)\n\nELAINE\nI like Julie. She's very personable.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, she's very lovely.\n\nELAINE\nThat's great George.\n\nGEORGE\nSo did you enjoy your lunch?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, A big salad. Very good. Actually\nit was too big. Ha ha ha Wht?\n\nGEORGE\noh, ...because she handed you the\nbag. I could have handed you the bag.\nShe happened to pick it up at the restaurant\neven though, ...\n\nELAINE\nEven though what?\n\nGEORGE\n... naw, it's just you thanked HER,\nand and oh, ... what's the difference?\n\nELAINE\nWhat? What are you trying to say, George?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's just that I was the one who actually\npaid for the big salad. She just happened\nto hand it to you. But it's no big deal.\n\nELAINE\nYou want the money for the big salad,\nGeorge?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no,\n\nELAINE\nWhat is the problem?\n\nGEORGE\nThere is no problem... just a small\nmiscommunication. Whereby you thanked\nher instead of the person actually responsible\nfor purchasing the big salad.\n\n(Jerry's)\n\nJERRY\nAnd Kramer thinks a penalty stroke may\nhave driven him to it.\n\nMARGARET\nWell, they haven't even arrested him\nyet. Come on, let's go out.\n\nJERRY\nAh, no, I don't think so.\n\nMARGARET\nWhy not?\n\nJERRY\nWe don't need a bunch of people staring\nat us.\n\nMARGARET\nWho is staring?\n\nJERRY\nOh, they're staring. They know we're\non a date. They're making fun. Come\non. It's embarrassing.\n\n(Phone rings)\n\nJERRY\nHello. No she's not here. Yes I will\ntell her. No I don't know what time\nshe might be coming back. Look I gotta'\ngo. Goodbye... . That, that's a long\nstory.\n\n(Newman enters)\n\nJERRY\nHello Newman.\n\nMARGARET\nHello Jerry, I was wondering if you\nknew where Kramer was.\n\nJERRY\nNo, no I don't. Why?\n\nMARGARET\nYou know, Genderson. This is something\nbig.\n\nJERRY\nI suppose.\n\nMARGARET\nWhat did Kramer say?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know. Nothing.?\n\nMARGARET\nCome on Jerry. You know something TELL\nME! TELL ME!, Oh, chocolates ... Margaret?\n\nMARGARET\nHello.\n\nJERRY\nYou two know each other?\n\nNEWMAN\nYou might say that.\n\nMARGARET\nWe used to go out.\n\nNEWMAN\nWell, tootle loo. And nice seeing you\nagain Margaret, goodbye Jerry. Have\nfun. Hehe\n\nJERRY\n... YOU went out with ... Newman?\n\nMARGARET\nJust a few times.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nMARGARET\nI liked him.\n\nJERRY\nYou liked, Newman?\n\nMARGARET\nLook I'm a little uncomfortable talking\nabout this okay?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I'm sorry. I'm just a little curious.\nI mean why did you stop seeing him.\n\nMARGARET\nHe ended it.\n\nJERRY\n... HE ended it?\n\nMARGARET\nYES!! Yes! It was a couple of years\nago. Why does it matter?\n\nJERRY\nNo, no of course not.\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, Jerry they found a tee.\n\nJERRY\nWhat tee?\n\nKRAMER\nA golf tee. In the dry cleaner.\n\n(Monk's)\n\nJERRY\nNewman! She went out with Newman!\n\nELAINE\nIt must be a mistake.\n\nJERRY\nNo. It isn't and the most distressing\npart of it is, not that she went out\nwith him but that HE stopped seeing\nher. Do you understand? He, Newman;\nNewman stopped seeing her. Newman never\nstopped seeing anybody. Newman will\nsee whoever is willing to see him. Not\nso much why she did see him as disturbing\nas that is. But why, did HE, Newman,\nstop seeing her?\n\nELAINE\nPerhaps there's more to him than meets\nthe eye.\n\nJERRY\nNo, there's less.\n\nELAINE\nIt's possible.\n\nJERRY\nNo it isn't. I've looked into his eyes.\nHe's pure evil.\n\nELAINE\nHe's an enigma, a mystery wrapped in\na riddle.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, he's a mystery wrapped in a Twinkie.\n\nWX\nWould you like some more coffee?\n\nJERRY\nNo,, but thank you.\n\nJERRY\nOh, by the way, your stationery store\nguy called and he's got your pencil.\n\nELAINE\nUgh! You are kidding me.\n\nJERRY\nNo, he left the store early, made a\nspecial trip to the distributor and\ngot it.\n\nELAINE\nI bought mine yesterday on 14th Street.\n\nJERRY\nWell, what did you do that for? You\nordered it.\n\nELAINE\nTo please Mr. Pitt.\n\nJERRY\nWell, you better go down there and tell\nthis guy. He's very excited.\n\nELAINE\nUh, great!\n\nJERRY\nHi Julie.\n\nJERRY\nHi.\n\nELAINE\nHi Julie.\n\nJERRY\nHi, how are you, Elaine? I'm meeting\nGeorge here.\n\nELAINE\nOh, well then I better get going otherwise\nGeorge will make me buy him lunch to\nmake up for that big salad he bought\nme yesterday.\n\nJERRY\nHow do you know THAT?\n\n(Newman's apartment)\n\n(knock knock)\n\nNEWMAN\nWho is it.\n\nJERRY\nIt's Jerry.\n\nNEWMAN\nYou've come at a bad time now. Could\nyou come back later?\n\nJERRY\nCome on Newman. OPEN THE DOOR!\n\nNEWMAN\nHellooo Jerry. What a rare treat. What\nbrings you down to the east wing?\n\nJERRY\nOkay, pudgy, lets stop playing games.\nWhat happened with margaret?\n\nNEWMAN\nThere's no need to get excited. Can't\nwe discuss this like gentlemen?\n\nJERRY\nNo, we can't. My skin is crawling just\nbeing inside your little rat's nest.\nNow, what happened?\n\nNEWMAN\nDo you really want to know what happened?\nI'll tell you what Happened. She wasn't\nmy type.\n\nJERRY\nNoit your type?\n\nNEWMAN\nNot really.\n\nJERRY\nWell, how come?\n\nNEWMAN\nAh, she just didn't do it for me.\n\nJERRY\nWhat, what is wrong with her?\n\nNEWMAN\nWell, h ha ha- if you're happy with\nher, that's all that matters.\n\nJERRY\nYou don't think she's attractive?\n\nNEWMAN\nNo. I need a really pretty face. But,\nHey, that's me.\n\nJERRY\nOkay, Newman, thanks a lot.\n\nNEWMAN\nCare for some lemonade?\n\nJERRY\nNo, thank you.\n\nNEWMAN\nDrop bye anytime, jerry. Hah, ha ha\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nKRAMER\nListen to this, \"If a player cleans\nhis ball during the play of a hole accept\non the putting green he shall incur\na penalty of one stroke. \" That's a\nrule, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nBut it's just a friendly game. Why do\nyou have to be such a stickler?\n\nKRAMER\nBecause that's the way I weas raised.\nYou know when I was growing up I had\nto be in bed every night by nine o'clock.\nAnd if I wasn't, well I don't have to\ntell you what happened.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you so worried about this for?\n\nKRAMER\nYou know he talked about Pinkus on the\ncourse?\n\nJERRY\nHe did?\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah, he said he brought a pair of\npants into Pinkus' and they came back\nstained with some kind of dry cleaning\nfluid. And Pinkus denied responsibility.\nYou see he was very upset with Pinkus.\n\nJERRY\nSo it had nothing to do with you.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, but maybe I pushed him over the\nedge.\n\nJERRY\nNo, I don't think so.\n\nKRAMER\nPoor Pinkus, poor little Pinkus.\n\nJERRY\nHey, let me ask you a question. You\nmet margaret. Doo you think Margaret's\ngood looking? Um, she's a natural beauty.\nOh, no makeup. I like that.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, and the curls. You like the curls?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I love curls.\n\nJERRY\nYeah,, me too.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, I'll see you later.\n\nJERRY\nWhere you going?\n\nKRAMER\nGenderson's.\n\nJERRY\nYou're going to see Genderson?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's weighing on my conscience.\n\n(Monk's)\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, I think I could have played\nwith dolls if their were dolls in the\nhouse. It seems like fun to me. It doesn't\nseem like a gender thing. I think I\nwould like to play with dolls. What's\nso terrible?\n\nJULIE\nHa. So, George, I was talking to Elaine\nbefore.\n\nGEORGE\nA ha! We're just friends.\n\nJULIE\nYes, well anyway, she said something\nthat was kind of intriguing.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, share.\n\nJULIE\nWell, when I came over to the table\nshe mentioned something about how she\nbetter hurry up and leave or you'd make\nher buy lunch to make up for the one\nyou bought yesterday.\n\nGEORGE\nHa, ha ha uh, I'm not following that.\n\nJULIE\nWell, my question is, How could Elaine\nbe under the impression that you bought\nthe big salad, when I was the one who\nhanded it to her?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, she probably just assumed.\n\nJULIE\nUm, did she?\n\nGEORGE\n...uh, ... wait a second. Are you\nsuggesting that I went out of my way\nto tell Elaine that even though you\nhanded her the big salad, that it came\nfrom me?\n\nJULIE\nThat's what I'm suggesting.\n\nGEORGE\n... WELL IT WAS A BIG SALAD. AND WHAT\nI WOULD LIKE TO KNOW IS, HOW DOES A\nPERSON WHO HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE\nBIG SALAD CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY FOR THAT\nSALAD AND ACCEPT THE THANK YOU UNDER\nFALSE PRETENSES - AH - AH?\n\nJULIE\nGeorge, all I did was hand someone a\nbag.\n\n(Julie leaves)\n\n(Stationery store)\n\nELAINE\nIt's just that my boss is very demanding\nand he needed the pencil right away.\n\nSTATIONER\nWell,, why did you tell me to order\nit if you knew you were going to get\none someplace else?\n\nELAINE\nNo, no no I didn't know. I, I'm sorry.\n\nSTATIONER\nI went all the way down to the warehouse.\nIt took me three hours. I had a big\nfight with the foreman.\n\nELAINE\nReally? A fight with the foreman?\n\nSTATIONER\nYes.\n\nELAINE\nWell, again, I'm just awfully sorry.\n\nSTATIONER\nYeah? Well, then how about going out\nwith me tonight?\n\nELAINE\nOkay.\n\n(In Margaret's car)\n\nMARGARET\nI mean they found a tee and he played\ngolf that day. Nobody walks into a dry\ncleaner's with a tee. The circumstantial\nevidence is overwhelming.\n\nJERRY\nYou had how many dates with him? Three?\n\nMARGARET\nAround three. I don't know.\n\nJERRY\nAnd . .\n\nMARGARET\nI told you. He stopped calling me. I\nmoved on. I'm not hung up on him. What\nare you looking at?\n\nJERRY\nWhat? I'm not looking. Nothing.\n\nJERRY\nWhy are you looking at my face?\n\nJERRY\nWhere am I going to look?\n\nMARGARET\nKiss me.\n\nJERRY\n... I can't.\n\n(Throws Jerry out onto sidewalk and drives off)\n\nJERRY\nNewman!\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nJERRY\nAll I could think of was when I was\nlooking at her face was; Newman found\nthis unacceptable.\n\nELAINE\nWell,,I'm going out with the stationery\nstore guy.\n\nJERRY\nYou're going out with the stationery\nstore guy?\n\nELAINE\nI felt so guilty about the pencil I\ncouldn't say no.\n\n(George enters, upset)\n\nELAINE\nWell, well, well, I'm not treating you\nto lunch ANYMORE! You had to tell Julie\nthat I made a special point of telling\nyou that I bought you the big salad.\nDidn't ya'.\n\nELAINE\nUh, uh.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, if it was a regular salad\nI wouldn't have said anything. But you\nhad to have the BIG SALAD.\n\n(phone rings)\n\nJERRY\nHello, what? You're kidding. I'm turning\nit on. Oh, my god. Get out of here.\n(hangs up) Hey listen to this. They\nissued a warrant for Genderson's arrest.\nHe escaped and the police spotted him\non the New Jersey Turnpike.\n\nTV\nAs you can see white Bronco. The police\nhave cleared the highway traffic in\nfront of him but they are keeping their\ndistance and don't want the situation\nto escalate. And we have gotten an identification\non the driver of the vehicle. His name\nis; Kramer, one of Genderson's golfing\nbuddies.\n\nPOLICE\n9-1-1 What are you reporting\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, this is Kramer. I got Genderson\nin the car. He wants to see his fish.\nI'm taking him to see his fish. So tell\nthe police to back off.\n\nPOLICE\nOkay, sir, and what's your name?\n\nKRAMER\nMy name is Kramer. You know who I am\ndammit!\n\nGENDERSON\nI told you not to take the turnpike.\n\nKRAMER\nI thought we would blend in.\n\nGENDERSON\nIf we took the palisades this never\nhave happened.\n\nKRAMER\nwe would have had all that bridge traffic.\n\nGENDERSON\nAh, just drive.\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nJail doesn't really seem like that great\nof revenge. Wouldn't years of subtle\npsychological mind games be a lot more\nsatisfying? Constantly calling him,\nhanging up when he answers the phone.\nSending pizzas and taxis to their house\nall night long. After a while he would\ngo, \"I wish that guy would kill me already,\nI can't take it anymore.\" And how come\nwhen the police catch some really bad\ncriminal or something they put him in\nthe handcuffs, they hit him with the\nbaton, they put the choke hold on him,\nthen they're always careful they don't\nwant him to hurt his head when they're\nputting him in the back of the patrol\ncar. \"Watch your head, watch your head.\nDon't hit that metal edge there...\n. That REALLY hurts\"\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Pledge-Drive.html",
    "text": "THE PLEDGE DRIVE\n\nWritten by\n\nTom Gammill & Max Pross\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nThere's something very insincere about these greeting cards we\nsend back and\n\nforth to each other all the time. They're like these little one-dollar\nfolded\n\npaper emotional prostitutes, isn't it? \"I don't know what my\nfeelings are, so\n\nI'll just pay some total stranger a buck to make up this little\nHallmark hooker\n\nto do the job for me. So I can go, 'Yeah, I didn't write this,\nbut whatever\n\nthey wrote, I think the same thing.'\" Wouldn't it be better if\nwe just had one\n\ncard that covered every occasion for everybody in one shot? Just\n\"Happy\n\nbirthday, merry Christmas, happy anniversary, congratulations,\nit's a Boy and\n\nour deepest sympathies. Signed, the whole office\"\n\nElaine and Jerry and in Jerry's apartment.\n\nELAINE\nShe was hitting on you? My friend Noreen?\n\nJERRY\nYour friend, Noreen.\n\nELAINE\nAre you sure you're not just flattering\nyourself?\n\nJERRY\nIf I was flattering myself, I think\nI'd come up with someone a little\n\nless annoying than Noreen.\n\nELAINE\nI cannot believe that she was hitting\non you.\n\nJERRY\nIf you don't believe me, ask her.\n\nELAINE\nI will. Besides, she's got a boyfriend,\nJerry, you know him. Dan.\n\nRemember, we went to that party at his house?\n\nJERRY\nOh, right. The guy who talks with a\nreally high voice.\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nKramer enters.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, did you get my Fortune magazine\nin your mail?\n\nJERRY\nCheck the pile.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, who sent you a card?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know.\n\nKRAMER\nOpen it, it's from Hallmark.\n\nJERRY\nOh.\n\nKRAMER\nHello, my love.\n\nELAINE\nHello, darling.\n\nJERRY\nIsn't that cute, a 'thank you' card\nfrom Kristin.\n\nKRAMER\nLet me see.\n\nELAINE\nWho's Kristin?\n\nJERRY\nShe works for PBS, I met her when I\nagreed to do that pledge drive.\n\nKRAMER\nDid you ask her about me?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, in fact she said that you could\nbe one of those people that sits\n\nin the back and answers the phone.\n\nKRAMER\nGiddy-up! Alright! So now, how does\nthat work? Now, what, I get a\n\npercentage of every pledge I bring in, right?\n\nJERRY\nNo, it's not aluminum siding, it's volunteer\nwork. All the money goes\n\nto the station.\n\nKRAMER\nOkay, yeah, alright, that sounds good,\nbut I still get a tote bag\n\nthough, right?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, and one of those foam beer can\nholders.\n\nKramer leaves, satisfied.\n\nELAINE\nYou know what I'm doing? I'm calling\nNoreen.\n\nJERRY\nOh, go ahead.\n\nELAINE\nYou sure you don't mind?\n\nJERRY\nLike she's really going to admit she\nwas flirting with me.\n\nElaine finishes dialing, the phone rings and a high pitched voice\nanswers.\n\nHIGH PITCHED VOICE\nHello?\n\nELAINE\nHi, it's Elaine. Listen, I was just\ntalking to Jerry.\n\nHIGH PITCHED VOICE\nJerry?\n\nELAINE\nJerry Seinfeld.\n\nHIGH PITCHED VOICE\nOh, I like Jerry a lot.\n\nELAINE\nYou mean like like?\n\nHIGH PITCHED VOICE\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nELAINE\nNoreen, were you hitting on him?\n\nCut to the other end of the conversation, there's a bald man\non the telephone.\n\nHIGH PITCHED VOICE\nNoreen's not here, this is Dan.\n\nELAINE\nOoh.\n\nDAN\nYou say that Noreen was hitting on Jerry\nSeinfeld?\n\nELAINE\nUh, I'll call you back later.\n\nELAINE\nUh oh.\n\nJERRY\nSo was I right? She likes me, right?\n\nElaine is sharpening pencils for Mr. Pitt. The phone is ringing.\n\nMR. PITT\nHello? (to Elaine) It's for you. Must\nyou keep giving\n\nmy number out?\n\nELAINE\nOh, I'm sorry Mr. Pitt. Hello?\n\nHIGH PITCHED VOICE\nElaine? What is going on? Why did you\ntell Dan I was\n\nhitting on Jerry Seinfeld?\n\nELAINE\nIs this Noreen?\n\nHIGH PITCHED VOICE\nWhat would ever possess you to make\nup a story\n\nlike that.\n\nELAINE\nWell, listen, Jerry mentioned it, and,\nI don't know--\n\nDAN\nI think I deserve an explanation.\n\nELAINE\nNoreen, are you crying?\n\nDAN\nNo, this is Dan!\n\nELAINE\nOh, hi Dan.\n\nMR. PITT\nElaine? Work?\n\nELAINE\nTell Noreen I'll just call her back\nlater.\n\nMR. PITT\nWho was crying?\n\nELAINE\nNo one. I'm sorry Mr. Putt, that won't\nhappen again.\n\nMr. Pitt (unwrapping a candy bar, placing it on a plate and cutting\nit with\n\nKNIFE AND FORK)\nI'm sure it won't, but someone was crying\nand I want to know\n\nwho it was.\n\nWell, it's a long story, okay? But my stupid friend Jerry told\nmy other friend\n\nNoreen that she was-- (noticing Mr. Pitt eating the candy bar\nwith knife and\n\nfork and becoming distracted) You know, hitting on him and so\nI called her to\n\nsee what was, uh, going on and I accidentally got her boyfriend,\nwho is this,\n\nyou know--\n\nJerry and Kristin, the PBS rep, are in Jerry's apartment. Jerry\nis reading from\n\na sheet of paper.\n\nJERRY\nI'm Jerry Seinfeld, I tell jokes for\na living, but there's no joking\n\nabout the financial crisis at PBS. Show us you care. Call in\nyour pledge now.\n\nKRISTIN\nJerry, I am so grateful that you're\ndoing this.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I know you are.\n\nKRISTIN\nYou got the card I sent?\n\nJERRY\nI did.\n\nKRISTIN\nSo where is it?\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nKRISTIN\nThe card. Is this it in the trash?\n\nJERRY\nNo?\n\nKRISTIN\nThis is my card, you threw it away.\n\nJERRY\nWell--\n\nKRISTIN\nI put a lot of thought into this card.\n\nJERRY\nYou signed your name and you addressed\nthe envelope, it's not like you\n\npainted the picture and wrote the poem.\n\nKRISTIN\nFine. I gotta get back to the office.\n\nJERRY\nWhy, because I threw the card out? How\nlong was I supposed to save it?\n\nKRISTIN\nYou have no sentimentality.\n\nJERRY\nI have sentimentality, really, I'm sentimental.\nHere, look. Here's\n\nsome cards I've saved, these are birthday cards from my grandmother,\nsee, I'm\n\nnot a bad guy.\n\nKRISTIN\nOh, so you save her cards but not mine!\nOh great!\n\nJERRY\nWell, but, you see, I saved something!\n\nSee? I can save. I'll see you at the pledge drive, ok?\n\nKramer enters as Kristin leaves.\n\nKRAMER\nNew cards, huh?\n\nJERRY\nNo, they're old cards from my grandmother.\n\nKRAMER\nOh. Well, I'll tell you, a nice greeting\ncard can really lift a\n\nperson's spirits.\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, a check.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, she puts ten dollars in every\ncard for my birthday, that's why I\n\nsave them.\n\nKRAMER\nThere's a check in all these? Why don't\nyou cash them?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, it's ten dollars.\n\nKRAMER\nBut you got a whole pile here. 1987?\n\nJERRY\nOh so what.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, your grandmother gave you this\ngift. She wants you to spend the\n\nmoney, to have the fun that she can't have. Oh, this is tantamount\nto a slap in\n\nthe face.\n\nJERRY\nOh, get out of here.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, a gift not enjoyed is like a\nflower that doesn't blossom.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, alright, I'll cash the checks.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nJerry and George are at the coffee shop.\n\nJERRY\nIt was a 'thank you' card from Kristin\nbecause I'm doing the PBS drive.\n\nI mean, how long am I supposed to keep it?\n\nGEORGE\nThe rule is a minimum of two days.\n\nJERRY\nYou making that up or do you know what\nyou're talking about?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm making it up.\n\nJERRY\nI mean really, what's the point of saving\nit? I could see if I had a\n\nmantel.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, well, a mantel's a whole different\nstory.\n\nJERRY\nAbsolutely.\n\nGEORGE\nIf my parents had a mantel, I might\nbe a completely different person.\n\nJERRY\nSo anyway, she's kind of upset about\nit so I need you to do me a favor.\n\nGEORGE\nLet's have it.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I'm doing the PBS show, so during\nthe show they're gonna be\n\nrunning the Ken Burns baseball thing. So I thought if I could\nget a baseball\n\nplayer to come on the show with me...\n\nGEORGE\nYou want me to ask one of the Yankees.\n\nJERRY\nCould you?\n\nGEORGE\nAlright. I'll run it by a few people.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, Do your thing, where you lie\nto everyone.\n\nELAINE\nI should never have made that phone\ncall.\n\nJERRY\nHey, did you ever get to talk to Noreen?\n\nELAINE\nYes, she's very upset.\n\nJERRY\nSo was I right about the flirting? Was\nit true?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know, I never asked. She was\nyelling--\n\nGEORGE\nWho was flirting with you?\n\nJERRY\nRemember when we were in the bookstore,\nthat woman came up to us?\n\nGEORGE\nShe wasn't flirting with you.\n\nJERRY\nOh, sure she was; Asked me where the\n'humor' section was? Humor? Come\n\non.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, her brother just had a book of\npolitical cartoons published.\n\nElaine and George laugh derisively.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, so maybe she wasn't flirting\nwith me. So what?\n\nELAINE\nSo, yeah, that's funny. Hey, you wanna\nhear something weird? Mr. Pitt\n\neats his Snickers bars with a knife and fork.\n\nGEORGE\nReally?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nWhy does he do that?\n\nGEORGE\nHe probably doesn't want to get chocolate\non his fingers. That's the\n\nway these society types eat their candy bars.\n\nJERRY\nOh, you know.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, you think I eat all my meals with\nyou? (To waitress) Excuse me,\n\nsweetheart? I think you may have overcharged us. What is this?\n\nWAITRESS\nThat's the extra toast. Get it?\n\nGEORGE\nGot it. (the waitress walks away) Did\nyou just see what happened\n\nhere?\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nDid you see the way she pointed at the\ncheck? She gave me the finger.\n\nJERRY\nThat's how waitress types express derision.\nThey don't want to get\n\ntheir mouths dirty.\n\nGeorge is in a meeting at work.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, what do you think?\n\nMR. MORGAN\nA PBS fundraiser? I'm not gonna waste\nany of the players' time\n\nwith that, besides the team already does so much promotion for\nchannel eleven.\n\nGEORGE\nChannel eleven? Forgive me for trying\nto class up this place, for\n\ntrying to have the Yankees reach another strata of society that\nmight not watch\n\nchannel eleven.\n\nGeorge begins eating a candy bar with knife and fork.\n\nMR. MORGAN\nUh, what the hell are you doing?\n\nGEORGE\nI am eating my dessert. How do you eat\nit, with your hands?\n\nMR. MORGAN\nYou know, maybe George has something\nhere about PBS.\n\nJerry and Kramer are at an ATM.\n\nJERRY\nOkay, sixty bucks from Nana.\n\nKRAMER\nHuh? Yeah.\n\nNana is home knitting, the phone rings.\n\nNANA\nHello?\n\nVOICE\nHello, this is Chemical Bank. Just wanted\nyou to know that your\n\nchecking account is overdrawn.\n\nNANA\nChemical Bank? I haven't used that account\nin months.\n\nVOICE\nWell, someone's been cashing the checks\nand you're overdrawn.\n\nOh dear. I'll be down there first thing in the morning.\n\nVOICE\nWait, we can do this over the\n\nphone.\n\nthe alarm, fully dressed, gathers her coat and purse, sighs,\nand heads for the\n\ndoor.\n\nGeorge, Jerry and Kramer are at the coffee shop.\n\nJERRY\nYou got Danny Tartabull?!\n\nGEORGE\nYou wanted a Yankee, I got you a Yankee.\n\nJERRY\nBoy, you really came through. Kristin's\ngonna be thrilled.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, the Bull owes me one, I helped\nhim with his swing.\n\nKRAMER\nSo you're bringing Danny Tartabull to\nthe fundraiser tonight.\n\nGEORGE\nAbsolutely. Pending approval of the\nscript.\n\nJERRY\nExcuse me?\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, I'm Yankee management.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I'd like to see the script too.\n\nJERRY\nYou're just answering phones!\n\nKRAMER\nIt would put me at ease.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, when you order from the waitress,\nget her to point to the menu. I\n\nwant to see what finger she uses.\n\nJERRY\nUh, say, I wanted a side order of fruit\nbut I didn't see it on the men\n\nWAITRESS\nOh, you're getting it (pointing to menu\nwith index finger), it comes\n\nwith your breakfast special.\n\nJERRY\nRight you are.\n\nGEORGE\nI didn't get the special, but I'd also\nlike the fresh fruit too.\n\nWAITRESS\nI'll check.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't believe it, she did it again!\n\nJERRY\nOh, she had an itch.\n\nGEORGE\nShe had an itch. She could have used\nany one of those fingers. That\n\nfinger was meant for me.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, she knew what she was doing.\n\nJERRY\nBy the way, lunch is on me. I just cashed\nmy Nana's birthday checks.\n\nNana is standing on a deserted street in front of an abandoned\nbuilding,\n\nchecking for an address. A street tough approaches from behind.\n\nSTREET TOUGH\nLooking for something, lady?\n\nNANA\nIsn't the Chemical Bank on this block?\n\nSTREET TOUGH\nThe bank? It burned. It's gone!\n\nNANA\nOh dear.\n\nSTREET TOUGH\nNow what you wanna do is go down to\nforty-ninth street, that's\n\nthe main customer service branch. Ask for Mr. Fleming. He'll\nhelp you.\n\nJerry is in his apartment, the phone rings.\n\nJERRY\nHello?\n\nUNCLE LEO\nJerry? Hello.\n\nJERRY\nUncle Leo!\n\nListen, I don't want to alarm you, but your nana is missing.\n\nKramer enters.\n\nJERRY\nNana's missing?\n\nUNCLE LEO\nI came to pick her up for a doctor's\nappointment, she wasn't here.\n\nI called the doctor, nobody knows where she is. She hasn't left\nthe apartment\n\nin twenty-five years!\n\nJERRY\nI've been thinking about her, I just\ncashed some of her checks.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, that's right. You did.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nWhat kind of checks?\n\nJERRY\nI think Chemical Bank.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, they were Chemical.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nChemical?! She hasn't used that account\nsince her branch closed.\n\nWhat are you doing cashing her checks anyway?\n\nJERRY\nWell, Kramer thought it would make her\nhappy. (To Kramer) I never\n\nshould have cashed those checks!\n\nKRAMER\nHey, I didn't twist your arm.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nYour grandmother's on a very fixed income.\nWhat, are you broke?\n\nJERRY\nJust call me if you hear anything. (hangs\nup and faces Kramer) Well?\n\nI cashed the checks, the checks bounced and now my Nana's missing!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, don't look at me.\n\nJERRY\nIt's your fault!\n\nKRAMER\nMy fault? Your Nana is missing because\nshe's been passing those bum\n\nchecks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people.\n\nMr. Morgan is sitting at an outdoor cafe, eating a candy bar\nwith a knife and\n\nfork. Noreen walks by and takes notice. Cut to Noreen and Elaine\nseated at the\n\ncounter at Monk's.\n\nNOREEN\nSo anyway, it's caused a lot of problems.\nDan thinks I'm interested in\n\nJerry, he won't let up.\n\nELAINE\nI'm really sorry, but you can see why\nI'd make a mistake like that.\n\nNOREEN\nNo, why?\n\nELAINE\nWell, you know, because he's a high\ntalker.\n\nNOREEN\nHe does raise his voice occasionally,\nbut that's normal.\n\nELAINE\nNo. No, no, no, not a loud talker, a\nhigh talker.\n\nNOREEN\nReally?\n\nELAINE\nYou don't think his voice sounds a lot\nlike yours?\n\nNOREEN\nI never noticed that.\n\nELAINE\nWell, it's no big deal, you know, it's\njust that he can sound like a\n\nwoman, you know?\n\nNOREEN\nGreat. I'm going out with a man who\nsounds like a woman.\n\nELAINE\nWell, he looks like a man.\n\nNOREEN\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nHe's bald. I know that's a guy thing.\n\nNOREEN\nI guess.\n\nELAINE\nI know he belches a lot.\n\nNOREEN\nWell, that's something. So, Jerry thought\nI was flirting with him.\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nNOREEN\nHm. He's kind of a\n\nbaritone, isn't he?\n\nELAINE\nWhat are you doing?\n\nNOREEN\nI'm eating this cookie.\n\nELAINE\nNo, no, no, but why are you using a\nknife and a fork? Did you just\n\nthink of that?\n\nNOREEN\nNo, I've seen people do it. I like it.\n\nGeorge is driving Danny Tartabull to the pledge drive.\n\nDANNY TARTABULL\nThis isn't gonna take long, is it?\n\nGEORGE\nOh no, in and out, I made sure of that.\nAnd you'll be happy to know I\n\nperused the script and it's met with my approval.\n\nDANNY TARTABULL\nI'm sure it's fine.\n\nGEORGE\nHey! Watch it! Did you see that guy?\nHe just gave me the\n\nfinger!\n\nDANNY TARTABULL\nYou sure?\n\nGEORGE\nOh yeah! Middle finger, straight up,\nat me! At us!\n\nDANNY TARTABULL\nWhat are you doing?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm following him.\n\nNana is at the bank.\n\nBANKER\nI'm sorry, the account had insufficient\nfunds. We had to return the\n\nchecks made out to a Mr. Jerry Seinfeld.\n\nNANA\nOh dear, that's my grandson. May I call\nhim now and explain?\n\nBANKER\nOh, certainly.\n\nElaine and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment.\n\nELAINE\nAnd now I think she might really be\ninterested in you. And Dan is\n\nobsessed, he keeps leaving these annoying messages on my machine.\n\nThe phone rings.\n\nJERRY\nWould you?\n\nELAINE\nHello?\n\nNANA\nHello, I need to speak to Jerry.\n\nELAINE\nOh, it's you. We were just talking about\nyou.\n\nListen, Jerry doesn't want to talk to you. Nobody wants to talk\nto you, so why\n\ndon't you just drop dead?\n\nELAINE\nHeh?\n\nKramer enters.\n\nKRAMER\nAny word from Nana?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nELAINE\nNana?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, my grandma's missing.\n\nELAINE\nMissing?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. I think it might have something\nto do with those checks.\n\nELAINE\nUm, what does Nana sound like?\n\nJERRY\nLike a grandmother, why?\n\nELAINE\nWell...\n\nJERRY\nOh, you hung up on my Nana?!\n\nELAINE\nI don't know, maybe.\n\nJERRY\nYou told Nana to drop dead?!\n\nELAINE\nIt's possible.\n\nJERRY\nYes, it is!\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, alright. Look, Jerry, we gotta\nget down to PBS, PDQ.\n\nJERRY\nAlright.\n\nGeorge is still driving, he's all worked up.\n\nGEORGE\nNo one gives us the finger! We're Yankees!\n\nDANNY TARTABULL\nWant this last donut?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, you can have it.\n\nDanny Tartabull begins eating the donut with a knife and fork.\nGeorge takes\n\nnotice.\n\nJerry and Kramer are at PBS.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, where are all the tote bags?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I'm not leaving the premises without\ntote bags. I was promised\n\ntote bags and tote bags I shall have.\n\nKRISTIN\nJerry, this man wants to see you.\n\nJERRY\nLeo?\n\nUNCLE LEO\nHello.\n\nJERRY\nUncle Leo! What are you doing here?\n\nUNCLE LEO\nI wanted to tell you that your grandmother\nis fine.\n\nJERRY\nOh.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nShe's had quite a day but she's gonna\nwatch you tonight on the TV.\n\nKRISTIN\nJerry, I'm dying to meet Danny Tartabull.\nWhere is he?\n\nJERRY\nHe'll be here any second.\n\nKRISTIN\nYou know you guys are both on in five\nminutes.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, yeah.\n\nKRISTIN\nOkay.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nWhy didn't you tell me you were a little\nshort? Here. If anybody\n\nasks you where you got it, you don't know.\n\nJERRY\nNo, that's ok, I really don't need any\nmoney.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nJERRY\nPlease-\n\nUNCLE LEO\nI want-\n\nJERRY\nIt's not necessary.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nJerry, would you please take it.\n\nJERRY\nI can't, I can't take it.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nI want you to have it!\n\nJERRY\nUncle Leo, I don't want to have it!\n\nUNCLE LEO\nJerry, take the money!\n\nJERRY\nI don't want it!!\n\nThere's a knock at the door.\n\nHIGH PITCHED VOICE\nJerry, open up. We need to talk.\n\nKRAMER\nWho's that?\n\nJERRY\nYou know what? It sounds like the friend\nof Elaine's that was hitting\n\non me in the book store.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, I'll take care of it.\n\nKramer walks out and sees Dan.\n\nDAN\nIs Jerry in there?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, he can't be disturbed now.\n\nDAN\nWell this situation is driving me crazy.\nHe's all I think about. I can't\n\nget him out of my mind.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm sorry. I mean, I know what it's\nlike to be in love. Ties you up\n\nin knots. And Jerry is a very sexy man.\n\nDAN\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nLook, I'm not judging you. In fact,\nwe here at PBS, we have many\n\nprograms celebrating your lifestyle. Armistead Maupin's Tales\nof the City,\n\nGender Bending and Swinging in San Francisco. Before Stonewall\nabout those dark\n\nages when you couldn't come out of the closet, lest you be persecuted\nbecause of\n\nyour, you know.\n\nDAN\nNo, I don't.\n\nKRISTIN\nAre you Danny Tartabull?\n\nDAN\nNo, I'm not.\n\nGeorge is parked at a gas station, he steps out of the car and\nslams the door.\n\nGEORGE\nI'll take care of this, Danny.\n\nGeorge approaches the man he's been following, who's now pumping\ngas.\n\nGEORGE\nExcuse me.\n\nMAN\nWhat's the problem?\n\nGEORGE\nI believe you cut me off, and then made\nan obscene gesture.\n\nMAN\nI did? Where?\n\nGEORGE\nOutside of Manhattan, about an hour\nago.\n\nMAN\nWow! Is that Danny Tartabull?\n\nGEORGE\nThat's right, of the New York Yankees.\n\nMAN\nI'd like to shake his hand but I can't.\n\nThe man holds up his arm, it's in a cast with his middle finger\nsticking\n\nstraight up.\n\nJerry is doing his bit for PBS.\n\nJERRY\nI'm Jerry Seinfeld, I tell jokes for\na living, but there's no joking\n\nabout the financial crisis here at PBS. Our lines are open, so\nplease call the\n\nnumber you see on your screen.\n\nCut to Nana, watching the pledge drive. She picks up the phone\nand dials.\n\nCut back to Jerry,\n\nJERRY\nThis is the only time this year we'll\nbe asking for donations. You've\n\nbeen enjoying Ken Burns' Baseball-\n\nCut to Kramer sitting at the phone bank, his phone rings.\n\nKRAMER\nPBS pledge drive.\n\nNANA\nHello, I'd like to speak with Jerry.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, you again. Buddy, look, forget about\nJerry. It's not gonna\n\nhappen.\n\nNANA\nThis is his grandmother.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, uh, Nana. Hello.\n\nNANA\nTell Jerry I'm sorry, I'm going to have\nto write him some new checks.\n\nKRAMER\nAs long as you've got your checkbook\nout, how about forking a little\n\nover to PBS? You watch the station, don't you? You don't want\nto be a\n\nfreeloader.\n\nCut back to Jerry.\n\nJERRY\n-programs like Ken Burns' Baseball.\nAnd if Danny Tartabull were here,\n\nI'm sure he'd say, 'That's correct, Jerry.'\n\nKramer rises in the background.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry? I have an announcement. Your\ngrandmother is on the line.\n\nJERRY\nMy Nana?\n\nKRAMER\nAnd as we speak, she's generously writing\nPBS a check for fifteen\n\nhundred dollars!\n\nEverybody applauds as Uncle Leo comes out from sidestage.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nShe can't do that, she's on a very fixed\nincome! Stop the show!!\n\nJerry and Elaine are at the coffee shop.\n\nJERRY\nI got another card from Kristin. Not\nquite as chipper as the first one.\n\nELAINE\nWow. Isn't this little bunny giving\nyou the-\n\nJERRY\nYes, he is.\n\nELAINE\nYou should show this to Georgie.\n\nYeah.\n\nWAITRESS\nHere's your knife and fork.\n\nJERRY\nLook, she's cutting up an Almond Joy.\n\nELAINE\nI just don't get it.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, I saw someone on the street\neating M&Ms with a spoon.\n\nELAINE\nWhat is wrong with everybody?\n\nJERRY\nLook, they're doing it. They're all\ndoing it!\n\nELAINE\nWhat is wrong with all you people?!\nHave you all gone mad?!!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Chinese-Woman.html",
    "text": "THE CHINESE WOMAN\n\nWritten by\n\nPeter Mehlman\n\n(The street)\n\nJERRY\nGood shave today..\n\nELAINE\n[wry/sarcastic] Don't worry, Jerry,\nI can manage these bags; really\nI'm\n\nfine.\n\nJERRY\nI'm thinkin' of lettin' my sideburns\ngrow in a little..\n\nELAINE\nCan we rest here a second.\n\nJERRY\n[pause] Yeah, I guess.\n\n[She sits on the stairs of a small\nentryway.]\n\nJERRY\n.. So how's Noreen?\n\nELAINE\nMm! She's got a new boyfriend:\nPaul.\n\nJERRY\nAlready? That was fast.. I assume\nhe's not a High Talker..\n\nELAINE\nNo, but, he has, The Worst Habit.\nWhenever he answers the phone,\nhe\n\nwon't put Noreen right on. Ya have'ta\ngo through, like, ten minutes of\n\nchit-chat.\n\nJERRY\nA Long Talker.\n\nELAINE\nYeah! But he is so boring! But\nnow, whenever he answers the phone:\nI\n\njust hang up.\n\nJERRY\n[pause] All right; let's move it\nout.\n\n[ELAINE gets her bags.]\n\nJERRY\nHey, isn't that George's father?\n\nELAINE\nOh, yeah, it is! Should we say\nhello?\n\nJERRY\nI've never seen him in Manhattan\nbefore; it's weird. So out of context.\n\nELAINE\nThat man he's with: is he wearing\na cape?\n\nJERRY\nI believe he is wearing a cape.\n\nELAINE\nWhy is Mr. Costanza with a man\nin a cape?\n\nJERRY\nWell, it is good cape weather.\nCool. Breezy.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, why a cape? Who wears a cape?\nWhere do you even get a cape?\n\nJERRY\nYou're right; it is strange. In\nfact, let's cross to the other\nside of\n\nthe street. Cover me.\n\n[ELAINE positions the bags to cover\nher face and upper body. JERRY\nwalks\n\nby her so he's out of view, too.]\n\n[End of Intro-- time: 1:23]\n\n[Commercial Break]\n\n[JERRY and ELAINE arrive at JERRY's\n\"house.\"]\n\nJERRY\nJust, ah, plop it on the counter\nthere.\n\n[ELAINE drops one bag deliberately\nand throws the others on the counter.\n\nHe hadn't helped her at all on\nthe way--payback time. Then, during\nthe\n\nfollowing, she spends a lot of\ntime looking for food in the bags\nand\n\nputs some in one bag--presumably\nhers.]\n\nJERRY\nOh! I got a message. [presses button\non phone machine]\n\nGEORGE\n[on tape] Hey, it's George. I got\nnothin' to say.. [beeeep]\n\nELAINE\nThat sounds Urgent..\n\nJERRY\nLet me call him back..\n\nHello?? Who is this?\n\nDonna Chang? Oh, I'm sorry, I must\no' dialed the wrong number.\n\nELAINE\nDonna Chang?\n\nJERRY\n[is redialing] Should've talked\nto her; I love Chinese women.\n\nELAINE\nIsn't that a little racist?\n\nJERRY\nIf I like their race, how can that\nbe racist?..\n\nHellooo??..\n\nOh, is this Donna Chang again?!..\n\nYyy-yes, I am calling George..\n\nOh, the lines are crossed; you're\ngetting his calls. Well, what do\nyou\n\nknow?!\n\n[KRAMER comes in. He's got a bottle\nof water. JERRY stays on the line\nto\n\nchat with Donna.]\n\nJERRY\nSo listen..\n\nKRAMER\nI'm goin' through this stuff like\nwater.. [to JERRY] Who you talkin'\nto?\n\nELAINE\nHe's on with a Chinese woman.\n\nKRAMER\nOooo, ooooo. You know, I dig Asian\nwomen. [a little distracted, pulling\n\ndown his underwear in back, through\nhis pants]\n\nELAINE\nYou got a.. comfort problem there?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I think these Jockeys shrunk.\n\nELAINE\nI thought you wore silk underwear.\n\nKRAMER\nNo. Well, you know, I wore 'em\nfor about a month but I couldn't\nstay\n\nwith it. Yeah, I need the secure\npackaging of Jockeys. [he's serious.\n\nThen he makes a hand gesture of\ngrabbing up.] My boys need a house.\n\nELAINE\n[not charmed..] That's nice.\n\nListen, Kramer, you know, if you\never want to have kids you shouldn't\n\nwear briefs. Boxers are much better\nfor your sperm count.\n\nKRAMER\nSperm count?\n\nWell how many ssssperm should I\nhave?\n\nELAINE\nA lot.\n\n[JERRY comes back. He'd wandered\ninto the bedroom and is now off\nthe\n\nphone.]\n\nJERRY\nI got a date!\n\nELAINE\nWith the Chinese woman?!\n\nJERRY\nShe knew who I was! She saw me\nin a club one time! My first date\never\n\nwith the Pacific Rim. I'm very\nexcited.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry. Did ya ever have your sperm\ncount checked?\n\nJERRY\nNo, why should I? I wear boxers.\n\nKRAMER\nYou ever get a woman pregnant?\n\nJERRY\nI'm sorry, Kramer. Those records\nare permanently sealed..\n\nKRAMER\nWhat would you say if I told you,\n\"I never impregnated a woman\"?\n\nJERRY\nReally? You never slipped one past\nthe goalie in all these years??..\n\nBoy, I'm surprised. You've slept\nwith a lot of women, I--\n\nKRAMER\nA lot of 'em! [wild gesture, freaked\nout]\n\nDo you think maybe I'm.. Depleted??!!\n\nJERRY\nWell, I'm sure you're not.. Totally\nDepleted.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, but what if I am? I'm the\nlast male Kramer! We're facing\nextinction!\n\nJERRY\nWell, go to a fertility clinic.\nHave your sperm count checked.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, but then I'd have to.. well,\nyou know.. into a cup? In the middle\n\nof the day??\n\nELAINE\nDoes that conflict with your regular\nschedule?\n\n[KRAMER, distracted, leaves.]\n\nELAINE\n[going to the phone, she's been\neating chips from small package\nof them]\n\nAll right. I'm gonna try Noreen\nagain.\n\nJERRY\nI am very excited about this date!\nWe're goin' to Hunan Balcony!\n\nELAINE\nShe's Chinese so you suggest Chinese\nfood?\n\nJERRY\nShe suggested it!\n\nELAINE\nI thought Chinese don't eat Chinese..\n\nJERRY\nShe's very assimilated.\n\n[Elaine's on the phone--we hear\na male, \"Hello?\" on the other end.\n\nELAINE quickly hangs up.]\n\nJERRY\nPaul again?\n\nELAINE\n[matter of fact] You can't get\none ring past him.\n\n[GEORGE comes in.]\n\nGEORGE\nHey, hey, hey! You don't call me\nback?!\n\nJERRY\nI tried! Your line's crossed with\na Chinese woman!\n\nGEORGE\nUh?\n\nELAINE\n[coming toward GEORGE to sit over\nby JERRY, who's on the arm of the\n\ncouch. GEORGE is standing.] Hey,\nGeorge, we saw your father on the\n\nstreet before.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's he doin' in the city today?\n\n[They both shrug.]\n\nGEORGE\nYou didn't ask him?\n\n[They both shake heads no. Elaine's\neating chips.]\n\nGEORGE\nYou didn't say hello?\n\nELAINE\nWell, he was with someone.\n\nA man.. In a cape.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy was he wearing a cape?..\n\n[ELAINE and JERRY shrug.]\n\nGEORGE\nWas my father wearing a cape?\n\nJERRY\nNo. Jacket and tie: no cape.\n\nGEORGE\nHuh.. Cape.. [turns, slowly goes\nto door] W--a man with a cape doin'\n\nwith my father?.. What was my father\ndoing with a man in a cape? ..\n\n[opens door] Why a cape? [out the\ndoor and gone]\n\n[Fertility clinic. In an examination\nroom. Kramer's waiting. The DOCTOR\n\ncomes in.]\n\nDOCTOR\nThe results of your sperm test\nare in.\n\nWell, ummm.. Are you planning to\nstart a family?\n\nKRAMER\nYes! I would like to! Very much!..\n\nWell, I'm low, now, aren't I? I\nca--I can feel it!...\n\nDOCTOR\nYes, I'm afraid you're a little\nlow.\n\nKRAMER\nOhhh. Man!! It's over! The Kramer\nname is finished! I'm never goin'\nto\n\nprocreate! I--\n\nDOCTOR\nHey--that's not necessarily true.\nThere are measures you can take\nto\n\nimprove your fertility.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, all right. What. What.\nYou tell me; I'll do anything.\nCome\n\non, Doc, tell me.\n\nDOCTOR\nFirst thing: you should wear boxer\nshorts.\n\nKRAMER\nAll the time?\n\nDOCTOR\nAll the time. Ya have to get off\nJockeys right away.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, but I've always worn Jockeys.\n\n[At Elaine's. She's in her robe\nand talking on the phone, blowing\na hair\n\ndryer onto the phone.]\n\nELAINE\nHi Paul! It's Elaine calling!\n\nYeah, I'm calling from a car phone\nso I don't really have time to\ntalk.\n\nIs, is, uh, Noreen there?!.. Oh.\nShe's not?! Okay, great. Well you\ncan\n\njust tell her I called, then, an'--\n\nWell, yes. It has been unseasonably\ncool lately..\n\nOh, okay, well, I'm pulling up\nto the building now. So, I'm gonna..\n\n[a little later, is sitting] Yeah,\nI took 20%, too..\n\nUuum. Look it's uh.. [turns hair\ndryer on and off] Paul. The.. car..\n\nseems to be running out of gas.\n.. I'm gonna.. have to get off\nthe\n\nphone. [hangs up]\n\n[Night. The Hunan Balcony. Jerry's\nin the waiting area, in a good\nmood,\n\nsitting next to a GUY.]\n\nHOSTESS\nJust let me know when the rest\nof your party has arrived, sir.\n\nJERRY\nYes, I will.\n\nGUY\n[indicating a cigarette] Mind?\n\nJERRY\n[good mood] No--go ahead--I second-hand\nsmoke two packs a day.\n\n[DONNA CHANG walks up. She's not\noriental. But is good-looking.]\n\nDONNA\nJerry.\n\nJERRY\n[pause] 'scuse me?\n\nDONNA\nHi. Sorry I'm late.\n\nJERRY\nWho're you?\n\nDONNA\nI'm Donna Chang..\n\nJERRY\n[stands, in shock, it's not sinking\nin] What do you mean?\n\nDONNA\nI mean: I'm Donna Chang.\n\nJERRY\n[pause] You're Donna Chang?\n\nDONNA\nDid you think I was Chinese?..\n\nJERRY\nOh. No. Oh, you mean because of\nthe \"Chang\"?\n\nDONNA\nActually, the family name wasn't\noriginally Chang.\n\nJERRY\nI didn't think so.\n\nDONNA\nIt used to be \"Changstein.\"\n\n[Day. At Jerry's, ELAINE and JERRY.\nShe's making herself a bowl of\n\nRaisin Bran.]\n\nELAINE\nShe's not Chinese?\n\nJERRY\nNo. Not Chinese.\n\nNot even Asian.\n\nELAINE\nSo. What is she?\n\nJERRY\nWell, she's.. like you.\n\nELAINE\n[pause] Oh, how.. disappointed\nyou must have been. [walks to couch,\nwith\n\nher cereal]\n\nJERRY\nWell, it's false advertising, see?\nAnd the thing is, I think she likes\n\npeople thinkin' she's Chinese.\nShe suggests Chinese food. She\nalways\n\nintroduces herself as \"Donna Chang,\"..\n\nELAINE\nSo why're you seeing her again..\n\nJERRY\nWell, she is a woman.\n\nELAINE\nI spoke to Paul an' Noreen. They\nmight be breakin' up.\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\nELAINE\nWell, maybe.\n\nJERRY\n[sits on couch as something occurs\nto him] Hey, wouldn't it be funny\nif\n\nPaul an' Noreen broke up because\no' you kept hangin' up on him?\n\nELAINE\n[pause] What do you mean?\n\nJERRY\nWell, you know if Paul thought\nit was some guy.. hangin' up because\nhe\n\nwas having an affair with Noreen?\n\n[As ELAINE considers the implications,\nKRAMER comes in. he's got a pile\n\nof underwear in his hands.]\n\nKRAMER\nHere. Take my Jockey shorts.\n\n[JERRY leaps up and KRAMER's following\nhim as JERRY walks backward\n\naround the apartment during the\nfollowing.]\n\nELAINE\nWhoa! Whoa!\n\nJERRY\nWhat is that?!!\n\nKRAMER\nLook, you gotta help me. I have\nto get off Jockey shorts.\n\nJERRY\nWha--you have a low sperm count?\n\nKRAMER\nVery low! Come on, Jerry. Take\n'em.\n\nJERRY\nNnnoo--I don't want 'em.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, look! You gotta help me!\nI can't have 'em near me! If I\nhave one\n\npair in my house, I'm gonna wear\nthem!\n\nJERRY\nLook! I don't want 'em!\n\nKRAMER\nAll it takes is one pair! Now,\ncome on!\n\nJERRY\nI'm not gonna be able to sleep\nif those are in the house!\n\n[KRAMER's put the pile on Jerry's\ntable and is grabbing at his own\n\npants.]\n\nKRAMER\nBoxers! How do you wear these things!!\nLook at that--they're baggin' up,\n\nthey're rising in! An' there's\nnothing holding me in place! I'm\nflip\n\npin'! I'm floppin'!\n\n[ELAINE's distracted by disgust.]\n\nKRAMER\nWhat am I gonna do!? Jerry! I'm\ngoin' crazy in these things! [leaves]\n\nJERRY\n[calmly turns back to The Pile\non his table] Well. I'm gonna have\nto\n\nmove now.\n\n[At Monk's. GEORGE and his FATHER\nat a booth.]\n\nFRANK\nYa know what I like about Manhattan?\nThere's no mosquitoes.\n\nGEORGE\nPlenty of mosquitoes.\n\nFRANK\nQueens is full of mosquitoes.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, Dad..\n\nFRANK\nGnats, too. If I'm not mistaken.\n\nGEORGE\nDad! I heard you were in the city\nthe other day!\n\nFRANK\nYour mother has to tell you every\nmove I make!?\n\nGEORGE\nNo.. Jerry and Elaine saw you.\n\nFRANK\nThey didn't say hello?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, they were in a rush.\n\nFRANK\nThey couldn't just say hello?!\n.. Oh, to hell with them.\n\nGEORGE\nThey, uh.. said you were with some\nguy who was wearing a cape, ha\nha.\n\nFRANK\nElaine, I can see, not sayin' hello.\nShe's very--what's the\n\nword--supercilious.\n\nGEORGE\nSo Dad.\n\nFRANK\nHow could Jerry not say Hello?!!\n\n[Night. At Jerry's with he and\nDONNA CHANG. She's on the couch\nand he's\n\ndrying the dishes. She's just hung\nup the phone.]\n\nJERRY\nSo did they, uh, uncross the lines,\nyet?\n\nDONNA\nNo. They can't find the problem.\nIt's really getting ridicurous(sic).\n\nJERRY\n[long pause--did he hear \"ridicurous\"(sic)--should\nhe say something--can't\n\ndecide if he should. finally..]\nDid you say, \"ridicurous\"(sis)?\n\nDONNA\nRidiculous.\n\nJERRY\n[pause] I thought you said.. \"ridicurous.\"(sic)\n[he and she look at each\n\nother, puzzled.]\n\n[GEORGE comes in.]\n\nJERRY\nOh, what are you doing here?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, I wanted to, [notices DONNA]\ntalk to you--I'm sorry, I--didn't\nknow\n\nyou had company. [JERRY indicates\nhe should stay] Hi, uh, I'm George.\n\nDONNA\nOh! Hi! [they shake hands] I'm\nDonna Chang. [GEORGE to himself\nregisters\n\nthat as weird, is heading to the\nkitchen.]\n\nI just spoke to your mother before.\n\nGEORGE\n[pause] You spoke to my mother?\n\nDONNA\nShe was trying to call you, but--\n\nJERRY\nThe rines(sic) were crossed?\n\n[They both look at him weird.]\n\nGEORGE\nDid you say, \"The rines(sic) were\ncrossed?\"\n\nJERRY\nDid I?\n\nDONNA\n[pause] George, she's so sweet.\nWe talked for an hour!\n\nAnyway, I'm really sorry.\n\nGEORGE\nSorry? Why sorry? What do you have\nto be sorry for?\n\nDONNA\nWell, she told me she and your\nfather are getting divorced.\n\n[JERRY and DONNA watch as GEORGE\nimmediately and ritually goes to\nthe\n\noven, turns on the gas, opens the\ndoor and sticks his head in it.]\n\n[End of Act I-- time: 10:18]\n\n[Commercial Break]\n\n[Same night, at Jerry's apartment--Donna's\nleft. Elaine's there.]\n\nELAINE\nDivorced. That's really too bad..\n\nJERRY\nYeah, you know it's a shame his\nparents didn't get divorced thirty\nyears\n\nago. He could have been normal.\n\nGEORGE\n[coming out of bathroom] Oh my\nGod! You know what I just realized?!\nIf\n\nthey get divorced an' live in two\nseparate places? That's twice as\nmany\n\nvisits!\n\nJERRY\nI never thought of that.\n\nGEORGE\nImagine if I had to see them both\non the same day? [mirthless] Haha!\n\nIt's like runnin' the double marathon!\n\nELAINE\nHey George, did you have any idea\nthat anything was wrong?\n\nJERRY\nHave you ever spent any time with\nthese people..?\n\nGEORGE\nYou know what this has to do with?\nThe man in the cape--I bet you\nhe is\n\nmixed up in this!\n\nI don't trust men in capes.\n\nJERRY\nYou can't cast aspersions on someone\njust because they're wearin' a\n\ncape. .. Superman wore a cape..\nAn' I'll be damned if I'm gonna\nstand\n\nhere an' let you say something\nbad about him.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right Superman's the exception.\n\nELAINE\n[has been watching that with amazed\ndisbelief]\n\n[KRAMER enters.]\n\nKRAMER\nOh, hey! Elaine, I just heard that\nNoreen and Paul are breaking up.\nI\n\nwant you to put in a good word\nfor me. [to JERRY] I've always\nhad a\n\nthing for Noreen.\n\nELAINE\nOh, Kramer. You don't understand.\nThis could be my fault.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, if she's available now, I'm\nnot gonna let her slip through\nmy\n\nfingers this time. Nooope. [walking\naround at ease, some dancy moves]\n\nJERRY\nWell it looks like you've adjusted\nto the boxers..\n\nKRAMER\nWellll, I wouldn't go as far as\nthat.\n\nJERRY\nYou went back to the Jockeys?\n\nKRAMER\nWrong again.\n\nJERRY\n[pause] Oh, no.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? What?..\n\nJERRY\nDon't you see what's goin' on here???\n.. No boxers, no Jockeys..\n\nELAINE\nEeaawww...\n\nJERRY\nThe only thing between him and\nus is a thin layer of gabardine..\n\nJERRY\nKramer, say it isn't so.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, it be so.\n\nI'm out there, Jerry, an' I'm lllovin'\nevery minute of it!!!\n\nJERRY\nDon't you need a little.. help?\n\nKRAMER\nSurprisingly, no. I'm freee, I'm\nunfettered.. [opens door to leave,\n\nstill very happy, then:] I'm like\na naked innocent boy rrroamin'\nthe\n\ncountryside!!\n\n[Day. At Monk's. ELAINE and NOREEN\nare sitting at the counter. We're\n\nlooking straight at them.]\n\nELAINE\nWell, you guys are tryin' to work\nit out! That's great!..\n\nNOREEN\nYeah, well.. We're trying.. He\njust went insane there for a while..\n\nELAINE\nOh, he went insane?..\n\nNOREEN\nBelieve it or not: Paul was convinced\nI was having an affair because\n\nsomebody kept calling and hanging\nup whenever he answered! What kind\nof\n\na Sick Person calls and hangs up\nover and over?\n\nELAINE\n[awkward, defensive yet hypothetical,\navoids eye contact] Well. Uh. I\n\ndon't know about sick. I mean,\nmaybe it was somebody who, didn't\nwanna,\n\ntalk to whoever was answering because\nwhoever was answering was always\n\nmaking, boring chit-chat, an' was\ncompletely oblivious to the fact\nthat\n\nthe person who was calling, didn't\nwant to speak to them, ah!\n\nNOREEN\n[has been growing increasingly\nslackjawed in amazement] I can't\nbelieve\n\nthat was you..\n\nELAINE\n[looks at NOREEN] I'm really sorry,\nNoreen..\n\nNOREEN\n[pause] So you thought he was boring?\n\nELAINE\nHey! Noreen! Don't go by me! Ha\nha.\n\nNOREEN\n[reconsidering Paul's worthiness.]\n\n[Day. JERRY and ELAINE at Jerry's\napartment.]\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you doin' to this woman?!\nThis is the second relationship\n\nyou've ruined for her in a few\nweeks!!\n\nELAINE\nI know--\n\nJERRY\nFirst you ruin her relationship\nwith the High Talker.\n\nELAINE\nWell, Jer--I got confused, they\nsound exactly the same.\n\nJERRY\nSo she breaks up with him. Somehow\npicks up the pieces of her life.\nMiraculously meets: A New Guy!\nYa bust that up! An' then, just\nas they're\n\nreconciling, you announce to the\nworld: He's Boring.\n\nELAINE\n[apologetically] I didn't know\nshe'd take it so seriously.\n\nJERRY\nWell, apparently you have a tremendous\ninfluence over this woman!\n\nAnything you say she does!\n\n[Door bell buzzes. JERRY goes over,\nhits the button.]\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nDONNA\nIt's Donna Chang.\n\nJERRY\n[hits button] Come on up.\n\nELAINE\nWell, I guess I just didn't realize\nit..\n\nJERRY\nWell, let's look back on your history\nwith this woman. Okay?\n\nELAINE\nOkay..\n\nJERRY\nFirst, you encouraged her to join:\nThe Army. .. She did.\n\nELAINE\nShe was lost..\n\nJERRY\nThen: you suggest she goes.. AWOL!\nShe did!\n\nELAINE\nWell, she didn't seem to be havin'\nso much fun..\n\nJERRY\nYou know.. You better make sure\nyou never tell this woman to jump\noff\n\nthe Brooklyn Bridge..\n\nELAINE\nIf I have this much influence over\nher, why don't I just call her\nan'\n\ntell her to get back together with\nhim--that's aalll!\n\n[DONNA CHANG comes in briskly,\ngood mood.]\n\nDONNA\nHi.\n\nJERRY\nOh, Miss Changstein! This is Elaine..\n\n[At the same time--DONNA: Helllo..--ELAINE:\nHi! Good to meet you.]\n\nDONNA\n[to JERRY] Guess what? Mrs. Costanza\ncalled me, they're not getting\n\ndivorced.\n\nJERRY\nWhy? What happened?\n\nDONNA\nWell, she was trying to call George\nlast night, she got me, we spoke\nfor\n\nan hour, she changed her mind!!!\n\nJERRY\nWow! That's amazing!\n\nDONNA\nAnyway, she wants to meet me! She\ninvited me over for dinner! She\nsaid\n\nyou should come too.\n\nJERRY\nTonight?\n\nDONNA\nYeah--I just remembered: I'm gonna\nhave to cancel my acupuncture class.\n\n[goes to phone]\n\n[Behind her, JERRY and ELAINE slowly\nexchange looks.]\n\n[Same day. At the Costanzas', are\nGEORGE, FRANK, and ESTELLE--GEORGE\n\njust entered. ESTELLE's snacking\nwatching TV.]\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. Let me just say one\nthing: there is no way that this\nis goin'\n\nto happen. No Way! Because if you\nthink I'm going' to two Thanksgivings,\n\nyou're out of your minds!!!\n\nESTELLE\n[calmly] We're not getting divorced.\n\nFRANK\nYou mother changed her mind.. [tries\nto catch a fly with his hand]\n\nGEORGE\n[glee!] Ya-De! That's Goood! That's\nVery good! I'm very glad to hear\n\nthat.\n\nFRANK\nYeah. We worked it out.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. So let me ask you a\nquestion. Who was the man in the\ncape?\n\nFRANK\nHe was my lawyer.\n\nGEORGE\nYou lawyer wears a cape..?\n\nFRANK\nYeah. So what?\n\nGEORGE\nWho wears a cape?\n\nFRANK\nHe's very independent; doesn't\nfollow the trends.\n\nESTELLE\nHe looks ridiculous in that thing..\n\nFRANK\nYou have no eye for fashion!!!\n\nESTELLE\nI have no eye for fashion?!?!?!\n\nGEORGE\nAll right! Come on!\n\nLet's not fight.\n\nFRANK and ESTELLE\n\nAll right! All right!\n\nESTELLE\nGeorgie's right.\n\nGEORGE\nSo what made you change your mind?\n\nESTELLE\nIt was that Chinese woman.\n\n[In Jerry's car. Jerry's driving,\nDONNA CHANG is with him.]\n\nJERRY\nSo I'm curious. What'd you tell\nMrs. Costanza that changed her\nmind?\n\nDONNA\nI mentioned a few bits of wisdom\nfrom Confucius.\n\nJERRY\n[pause] Confucius, huh?\n\nDONNA\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\n[pause] You know, you're not Chinese...\n\n[The Costanzas again. They open\nthe door for JERRY and DONNA.]\n\nJERRY\nHey! I heard the good news!\n\nFRANK\nJerry: how come you didn't say\nhello to me the other day, huh?!\n\nJERRY\nElaine was.. in a rush.\n\nFRANK\nI knew it was Elaine!!\n\nDONNA\nYou must be Estelle.\n\nESTELLE\nYes. Who are you..?\n\nDONNA\nI'm Donna Chang!\n\nESTELLE\nYou're not Chinese!\n\n[Meanwhile, in Noreen's apartment.\nNOREEN and KRAMER are sitting on\nthe\n\ncouch when the phone rings. KRAMER\npicks it up. Scene cuts back and\n\nforth between ELAINE and them.]\n\nKRAMER\nHello?\n\nELAINE\nPaul?\n\nKRAMER\nElaine!\n\nELAINE\nKramer?\n\nKRAMER\n[pause] Yeahh!\n\nELAINE\nWhat're you doin' there?\n\nKRAMER\nWellll, isn't it obvious?\n\nELAINE\nUh! Ah, is Noreen there?\n\nKRAMER\nYes, she is..\n\nELAINE\nWell? Can I talk to her?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat? Am I, tooo.. boring for you?\n\nELAINE\n[tired] Fine--would you just put\nher on?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I feel it'd be best if you\njust didn't talk to her for a while..\n\nELAINE\nYou feel?\n\nKRAMER\nThat's right!\n\nShe an' I have had a very long\ntalk. An' I was appalled to learn\nof the\n\ndestructive influence you've had\nover her life lo these many years..\n\nELAINE\nWhat are you insane?!\n\nKRAMER\nFrom now, on, I'll be calling the\nshots around here..\n\nELAINE\nOh! Haha. An' what're you gonna\ntell her?\n\nKRAMER\nWell. I've encouraged her to go\nback into the Army..\n\nThere she'll get the structure\nan' the discipline she needs right\nnow..\n\nAnd she'll have qualified officers\ntelling her what to do..\n\nELAINE\nUh! Kramer! You have got to let\nme talk to her!\n\nKRAMER\nCan't help ya, kid.\n\n[Back at the Costanzas'. Still\ndaylight.]\n\nESTELLE\nYou're not Chinese!?!?\n\nDONNA\n[pause] No.\n\nESTELLE\nI thought you were Chinese!!\n\nDONNA\nI'm from Long Island.\n\nESTELLE\nLong Island?!?!\n\nI thought I was gettin' advice\nfrom a Chinese woman!!\n\nDONNA\nI'm sorry..?\n\nESTELLE\nWell! Then, that changes everything!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?!\n\nESTELLE\nShe's not Chinese; I was duped!!\n\nGEORGE\nSo what?! She gave you advice;\nwhat's the difference if she's\nnot Chi\n\nnese?!?!\n\nESTELLE\nI'm not taking advice from some\ngirl from Long Island!! [goes into\n\nKITCHEN]\n\nGEORGE\n[chases her] Wait a minute! You're--now\nyou're getting a divorce because\n\nshe's from Long Island?!?!\n\nFRANK\n[from the living room, standing,\nshouts after them] You want a\n\ndivorce?!!? You got one!!!\n\nJERRY\n[pause, to DONNA] You know, you\nmight wanna think about changin'\nyour\n\nname..\n\n[Day. JERRY and ELAINE, walking\ndown the street.]\n\nELAINE\nSo, ever since she started dating\nKramer, she won't even talk to\nme!\n\nJERRY\nWell--Noreen listened to you like\nGeorge's mother listened to the\n\nChinese.\n\nELAINE\n[pause] You know, everybody listens\nto the Chinese.\n\nI mean, look at the fortune cookie.\nYou couldn't get away with that\nin\n\nany other restaurant.\n\nJERRY\n[has just bought a newspaper out\nof a machine] Yeah, no one's reading\n\nany rolled-up messages in a knish..\n\n[A cab pulls up and GEORGE gets\nout.]\n\nGEORGE\nOh, it had to happen!! I knew it!!\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nGEORGE\nI predicted it! [hits cab roof\ntwice, it drives off]\n\nSaw both of them today!\n\nWhat a disaster!\n\nI'm runnin' all over Queens. First\nI saw my mother. We had lunch\n\ntogether. Never had, Lunch, with\nmy mother before--it's like a date!\n\nThen we drive down to Kew Gardens!\nTons of traffic! I see my father.\nWe\n\nplayed \"Clue\"! All day with this!\n\n[KRAMER sticks his head out of\nhis (or Jerry's) apartment window,\nshouts\n\ndown to them.]\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Jerry! Guess what! The Kramer\nname might live on! Noreen's late!\n\nShe's laaate!!\n\n[During credit roll. Night on the\nBrooklyn Bridge. NOREEN peers over\nthe\n\nedge, the wind blowing up on her\nface. Then a man in a black cape\nedges\n\nover to her cautiously, reaches\nand holds her forearm.]\n\nNOREEN\nWho are you?!\n\nMAN\n[calmly, businesslike] I'm Frank\nCostanza's lawyer. [he helps her\nget\n\nback off (and out of view of the\ncamera).]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Couch.html",
    "text": "THE COUCH\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nThe love seat, that's a nice little\nitem, there...I guess some guy\n\nthought, 'Well, if we can't get them to sit closer to us, why\nnot just shorten the\n\nfurniture?' My other favorite furniture brand is the La-Z-Boy.\nThis is very flattering to\n\nthe prospective customer, isn't it? Why don't we just call it\nthe 'half-conscious deadbeat\n\nwith no job, home all day, eating Cheetos and watching TV' recliner?\nI mean, it goes back\n\nso far, that thing...I mean, it's like, 'Go to bed already! It's\nover! You're wiped!'\n\nJerry and George in a furniture store. Jerry is shopping for\na new couch.\n\nJERRY\nSo, she got you to join a book club?\n\nGEORGE\nI got a feeling I'm gonna be much smarter\nthan you pretty soon.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I think that statement alone reflects\nyour burgeoning intelligence. (Sits\non a couch.) Hey, what about this one?\n\nGEORGE\nNah, I don't like that one.\n\nJERRY\nSo, what's your first book?\n\nGEORGE\n\"Breakfast At Tiffany's.\" 90 pages.\n(Waves a hand like it's nothing.)\n\nJERRY\nIt's kinda old, isn't it?\n\nGEORGE\nThey wanted to read a Truman Capote\nbook.\n\nJERRY\nOh, sure...Truman Capote.\n\nGEORGE\nHe's a great writer.\n\nJERRY\nOh, yeah.\n\nGEORGE\nDid you ever read anything by him?\n\nJERRY\nNo. You?\n\nGEORGE\nNah.\n\nJERRY\nOh, what about this one? Look at this,\nthis is it! This is what I'm looking\nfor. (Sits on the couch.) Oh, yeah!\n\nJerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment. The moving guys are delivering\nJerry's new couch.\n\nELAINE\nHey, what's going on?\n\nJERRY\nNew couch, baby!\n\nELAINE\nNew couch? Why?\n\nJERRY\nI love this couch. You know what the\nbest part about it is? It doesn't fold\nout, so no one can sleep over.\n\n(Elaine laughs. Carl and another furniture mover come in, and\nthey pick up Jerry's old couch.)\n\nELAINE\nHello.\n\nCARL\nHello.\n\nELAINE\nOh, let me get the door for you. (They\ncarry the couch out the door.) Ooh,\nbe careful!\n\nJERRY\nWait till you see it, it's perfect.\nThe guy told me it's one of a kind,\nthey stopped making it.\n\nELAINE\nWhat are you doing with your old couch?\n\nJERRY\nNothing, the moving guys are taking\nit. Why, you want it?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I'll take it.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I'm sure that they can deliver\nit to your apartment.\n\nELAINE\nYes, they can. (Kramer enters.)\n\nKRAMER\nHey! Couch is comin.'\n\nJERRY\nIt's here!\n\nKRAMER\nAlright! Yeah. You know, I'm excited\nabout this, Jerry. In a way, I feel\nlike I'm getting a new couch.\n\nJERRY\nYeah. So do I.\n\nKRAMER\nOoh! Remember Poppie?\n\nJERRY\nOh, you mean from Poppie's Restaurant?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah. Anyway, uh...we're going\ninto business together. Remember that\nidea I had a few years ago about the\npizza place where you make your own\npizza?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nWhat was that again?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's a pizza place where you make your\nown pie! We give you the dough, the\nsauce, the cheese...you pound it, slap\nit, you flip it up into the air...you\nput your toppings on and you slide it\ninto the oven! Sounds good, huh?\n\nELAINE\nOoh, I can't wait to get me a fella\nand make mah own pie!\n\nJERRY\nWhat made you resurrect that old idea?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I happened to be eating at Poppie's\nwhen I told him the \"old\" idea, and\nhis eyes - waaaaaah! - just lit up.\nYou know, he wants to back it.\n\nELAINE\nI heard Poppie's was good, let's go.\n\nJERRY\nI'm not goin' there. Didn't he get busted\nby the Board of Health?\n\nKRAMER\nThat was in the past, Jerry. As it happens,\nNew York Magazine just judged his kitchen\nto be one of the cleanest in the city.\nThey got a duck there, you think you\ndied and went to heaven.\n\nELAINE\nOoh! I love duck. C'mon, c'mon!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, but you gotta order it two days\nin advance. (To Jerry) You know, I'm\ngonna call him, I'm gonna order the\nduck for you.\n\nJERRY\nOh, Kramer, I -\n\n(Kramer turns around and runs smack into Jerry's new couch being\nbrought in by Carl and the other moving guy, and hits the floor.\nThey place the couch in the same spot as the old one.)\n\nJERRY\nRight there, guys. That's perfect. Ah?\nWhatta ya think, Lainie?\n\nELAINE\nWell, I don't know. I'll have to sit\non it.\n\nJERRY\nOh no, I don't want anyone sitting on\nit.\n\nCARL\nSign here.\n\nELAINE\nExcuse me, I was wondering if would\nit be possible if you could deliver\nthe old couch to my apartment? It's\nnot very far.\n\nCARL\nSure.\n\nELAINE\n'Kay. You, uh...you got room in the\ntruck for me?\n\nCARL\nYeah, I think we can squeeze you in.\n\nELAINE\nOh, goody. Okay, well uh...(to Jerry\nand Kramer)...I'll see you chumps later.\n(Elaine and Carl exit.)\n\nKRAMER\nDid you offer those guys a drink?\n\nJERRY\nUh, no. Should I have?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat kind of a person are you?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know.\n\nGeorge at home, preparing to read \"Breakfast At Tiffany's.\"\n\nGEORGE\nOkay. \"Breakfast At Tiffany's.\" (Begins\nto read, but gradually his attention\nis drawn to the TV Guide on the end\ntable. George realizes there's a show\non he wants to see by looking at his\nwatch, and doesn't start the book.)\n\nJerry and Elaine at Poppie's Restaurant.\n\nELAINE\nSo, he puts the couch down, and just\nas he's about to leave he says, \"Do\nyou date moving men?\"\n\nJERRY\nAh ha...\n\nELAINE\nYou wanna know what I said?\n\nJERRY\nI can't wait.\n\nELAINE\n\"I do now.\"\n\nJERRY\nClever.\n\nELAINE\nIs that something?\n\nJERRY\nYes.\n\nELAINE\nIs that something?\n\nJERRY\nYou're something. So anyway, when they\nwere in my house before, I didn't offer\nthem anything to drink.\n\nELAINE\nWell, they're real men, Jerry. They\nget sweaty.\n\nJERRY\nSo, anyone sweaty comes into your house\nhas to be offered a drink?\n\nELAINE\nYes.\n\nJERRY\nWell, would you apologize for me? (Elaine\nnods. Poppie comes out of the kitchen.)\n\nPOPPIE\nHello! Jerry, so good to see you again!\n(Puts his hand out.)\n\nJERRY\nHello, Poppie. This is Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nNice to meet you, Poppie.\n\nPOPPIE\nLet me show you to your table. (Leads\nJerry and Elaine to the table.) Your\nduck is cooking as we speak. It is so\nsucculent...so succulent!\n\nJERRY\nWell, Kramer told us all about your\nbusiness venture together.\n\nPOPPIE\nYour friend and I are going to make\na lot of money. Of course, I already\nhave a lot of money. Poppie does very\nwell...very well.\n\nELAINE\nWell, your mother must be very proud\nof you.\n\nPOPPIE\nMy mother...was taken from my house\nby the Communists in the middle of the\nnight when I was ten years old. She\nwas sent to a slave labor camp, where\nshe labored for twelve years. Finally,\nthey released her and she was on a boat\nto America to re-unite with us...but\nshe was served some bad fish, and she\ndied...on the high seas.\n\nJERRY\nSo, what's good tonight?\n\nCut back to George at home. His television program finishes,\nand he turns off the TV. He stretches, then goes back to reading\n- not \"Breakfast At Tiffany's\" however, but an issue of Cracked\nmagazine.\n\nCut back to Jerry and Elaine at Poppie's.\n\nELAINE\nBoy, I'm really looking forward to this\nduck. I've never had food ordered in\nadvance before.\n\nJERRY\nAh, I could've stayed home and ordered\na pizza from Paccino's.\n\nELAINE\nPaccino's? Oh no. You should never order\npizza from Paccino's.\n\nJERRY\nWhy not?\n\nELAINE\nBecause, the owner contributes a lot\nof money to those fanatical, anti-abortion\ngroups.\n\nJERRY\nSo, you won't eat the pizza?\n\nELAINE\nNo way.\n\nJERRY\nReally.\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nWell, what if Poppie felt the same way?\n\nELAINE\nWell, I guess I wouldn't eat here, then.\n\nJERRY\nReally!\n\nELAINE\nYeah. That's right.\n\nJERRY\nWell, perhaps we should inquire. Poppie!\nOh, Poppie. Could I have a word? (Poppie\ncomes over.)\n\nPOPPIE\nYes, Jerry. I just checked your duck...it\nis more succulent than even I had hoped.\n\nJERRY\nPoppie, I was just curious...where do\nyou stand on the abortion issue?\n\nPOPPIE\nWhen my mother was abducted by the Communists,\nshe was with child...\n\nJERRY\nOh, boy.\n\nPOPPIE\n...but the Communists, they put an end\nto that! So, on this issue there is\nno debate! And no intelligent person\ncan think differently.\n\nELAINE\nWell...Poppie. I think differently.\n\nPOPPIE\nAnd what gives you the right to do that?\n\nELAINE\nThe Supreme Court gives me the right\nto do that! Let's go Jerry, c'mon.\n\nWOMAN AT NEXT TABLE\nI heard that. Let's go, Henry.\n\nHENRY\nBut we just got here...\n\nELAINE\nAnd I am not coming back!\n\nPOPPIE\nYou're not welcome!\n\nJERRY\nWell, I'm certainly glad I brought it\nup. (Gets up and leaves.)\n\nJerry and George in a booth at the coffee shop.\n\nJERRY\nWell, you should have seen it. It was\nquite a scene over there.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm sorry I missed it.\n\nJERRY\nOh, you really missed something. And\nI have to say...it was pretty much all\nmy fault. (Jerry smiles. George laughs.)\nSo, how's the book coming? (George's\nlaughs taper off...) I say, how's the\nbook comin'?\n\nGEORGE\nOh...pretty good.\n\nJERRY\nSo, what's it about?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, it's about Holly Go-Lightly.\n\nJERRY\nHolly Go-Lightly.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, she's quite a character.\n\nJERRY\nYes, you haven't read a page, have you?\n\nGEORGE\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nBig surprise.\n\nGEORGE\nI couldn't. You know, if it's not about\nsports, I find it very hard to concentrate.\n\nJERRY\nYou're not very bright, are you?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I'm not. I would like to be, but\nI'm not. What am I gonna do? The book\nclub meets in a few days.\n\nJERRY\nWhy don't you rent the movie?\n\nGEORGE\n'Why don't I rent the movie.' See, this\nis when I like you. Alright, now I'm\nrelieved. (Kramer enters and comes over\nto the booth.)\n\nKRAMER\nSo...how was the dinner last night?\n\nJERRY\nOh...well...\n\nKRAMER\nDid you enjoy the duck? (Elaine comes\nback from the bathroom.) Oh, Elaine!\nI was just asking how dinner went last\nnight.\n\nELAINE\nOh...well...\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, what did you do to Poppie?\n\nELAINE\nNothing.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, he's in the hospital. And the\ncook says you put him there.\n\nELAINE\nWhat's wrong with him?\n\nKRAMER\nI don't know! I'm gonna go and visit\nhim later. (angrily) It would be nice\nif you got him something. (Punches the\nthe table to accentuate this, and leaves.)\n\nJERRY\nWe should get him something.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. You're right.\n\nElaine and Carl sitting in carl's moving van after a date.\n\nELAINE\nDo you know that I have been using the\nsame bottle of shampoo for a year? And\nI shampoo every day. (Carl smiles.)\nSo, what do you think of my conversation?\n\nCARL\nNot much! (They both laugh.) I, uh,\nwould have invited you up, but I don't\nhave any furniture.\n\nELAINE\nYou don't have any furniture?\n\nCARL\nNo, I hate furniture. I can't look at\nit. (They laugh again.)\n\nELAINE\nWell, I can understand that. Pretty\ngood date, huh?\n\nCARL\nYeah! No heavy lifting. (Elaine and\nCarl look into each others eyes, then\nkiss.)\n\nKramer visiting Poppie at the hospital. There sitting on a bench\noutside.\n\nKRAMER\nAnyway, Jerry and Elaine felt very badly\nabout what happened to you, and they\nwanted you to have this.\n\nPOPPIE\nWhat's this? A bottle of wine and a\nfive-alarm chili? They're trying to\nkill Poppie?!\n\nKRAMER\nWhy, what...?\n\nPOPPIE\nDon't they know I have a gastro-intestinal\ndisorder? If I would have any of this,\nI would die. Then Poppie's no good to\nanyone! This is a sick, sick joke on\nPoppie. How could you be friends with\nthose two?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, we're not very close.\n\nPOPPIE\nThey owe me for those ducks. They were\nflown in from Newfoundland.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, they got good ducks there, huh?\n\nPOPPIE\nOh, very good ducks.\n\nElaine shows up at Jerry's apartment. Jerry opens the door.\n\nELAINE\nI'm in looove!\n\nJERRY\nWhoa!\n\nELAINE\nThis is it, Jerry! This is it! He is\nsuch an incredible person! He's real,\nhe's honest, he's unpretentious...oh,\nI'm really lucky!\n\nJERRY\nDid you tell him I was sorry I didn't\noffer him the drink?\n\nELAINE\nNo, I forgot. And, the best part is,\nhe doesn't play games. You know? There\nare no games! (Sits down on the couch.)\n\nJERRY\nNo games? What is the point of dating\nwithout games? How do you know if you're\nwinning or losing?\n\nELAINE\nWell, all I know is, he doesn't like\ngames and he doesn't play games, you\nknow? He has too much character and\nintegrity.\n\nJERRY\nAh ha. And what is his stand on abortion?\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nWhat is his stand...on abortion?\n\nELAINE\nWell, I'm sure he's pro-choice.\n\nJERRY\nHow do you know?\n\nELAINE\nBecause he, well...he's just so good-looking.\n\nJERRY\nWell, you should probably ask, because\nif he's gonna be coming over with those\nPaccino's pizzas...could be trouble.\n\nGeorge at a video store counter.\n\nGEORGE\nI'd like to rent Breakfast At Tiffany's.\n\nCLERK\nUh, this is out. Someone has it.\n\nGEORGE\nOut? Oh no, I've been to four other\nplaces, you're the only ones that have\nhad it.\n\nCLERK\nWell, I could put it on reserve for\nyou, if you'd like.\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe we could call them and ask them\nto return it.\n\nCLERK\nOh, sorry. We can't do that.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, maybe they're done with it. I\ncould go pick it up.\n\nCLERK\nI don't think so. It doesn't work that\nway.\n\n(The clerk goes to help another customer, and leaves George unattended.\nGeorge waits until the clerk's back is turned, then has a good\nlook at the information on his computer monitor.)\n\nCommercial break.\n\nGeorge at the address of the people who have rented Breakfast\nAt Tiffany's. He's buzzed their apartment on the intercom.\n\nVOICE ON INTERCOM\nYes?\n\nGEORGE\nUh, excuse me, are you Joe Temple?\n\nINTERCOM\nYes.\n\nGEORGE\nUh, yes, uh...you don't know me, my\nname is George Costanza...did you happen\nto rent Breakfast At Tiffany's?\n\nJerry laying on his new couch. Kramer enters.\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey, what's happenin.'\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you know, Poppie's over at my\nplace. Tonight's the big night. I'm\ngonna make the first test pizza at the\nrestaurant.\n\nJERRY\nYou got a regular 'Manhattan Project'\ngoing on over there.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Anyway, he's about to leave, he\nwants the duck money. (Poppie enters.)\n\nJERRY\nOkay. Hi, Poppie.\n\nPOPPIE\nHello.\n\nJERRY\nI'm sorry about the gift, I didn't know\nabout your condition.\n\nPOPPIE\nThat's fine. If you just give me my\nduck money, I'll be on my way.\n\nJERRY\nOkay. I'll get it. (Goes into the bedroom.)\n\nKRAMER\nWhy don't you sit down, Poppie? You're\nstill recuperating. (Poppie moves to\nthe sofa and sits down, and exhales\na loud sigh of relief.) What, are you\ntired, Poppie?\n\nPOPPIE\nNo.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Poppie...you really think people\nwanna make their own pizza?\n\nPOPPIE\nKramer, did I ever tell you about my\nmother? My mother -\n\nJERRY\nHere you go. (Poppie stands up and takes\nthe money.) Anyway, I'm sorry again\nabout the...(notices a large, wet stain\non his couch)...the...the...\n\nPOPPIE\nThe what? (Looks at Kramer, and exits.)\n\nJERRY\n...the...the...\n\nKRAMER\nSo long. I'll see you tonight.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, Kramer, what is this?!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat is what?\n\nJERRY\nThis puddle on my sofa!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat puddle?\n\nJERRY\nThat puddle! (Kramer sees the puddle\nand does a double-take.)\n\nKRAMER\nI don't know.\n\nJERRY\nIs it...? Could it...? Could he have...?\nIT IS! (Grabs Kramer.) Poppie peed on\nmy sofa!!\n\nKRAMER\nAre you sure?\n\nJERRY\nWell, what is it then?! My new sofa!\nPoppie peed on my new sofa!\n\nKRAMER\nI'm sure it'll come out.\n\nJERRY\nI don't care if it comes out, I can't\nsit on that anymore!\n\nKRAMER\nAh, you're making too much of it.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, you're right. It's just a natural\nhuman function...happens to be on my\nsofa, instead of in the toilet, where\nit would normally be.\n\nKRAMER\nRight!\n\nGeorge at Joe Temple's door.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, anyway, the book club meets tomorrow,\nMr. Temple.\n\nJOE\nWell, I was going to watch it with my\ndaughter. She likes Audrey Hepburn very\nmuch.\n\nGEORGE\nShe was a delicate flower.\n\nJOE\nWhy didn't you just read the book?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, as I say, the pink-eye made my\nvision...quite blurry... (Joe's daughter\ncomes to the door.)\n\nJOE\nRemy, this is George. Would you mind\nif he watched Breakfast At Tiffany's\nwith us? (George smiles at Remy. Remy\nlooks at Joe doubtfully.)\n\nElaine climbs into the cab of Carl's moving van.\n\nCARL\nHi.\n\nELAINE\nHi. (They kiss.)\n\nCARL\nI missed you.\n\nELAINE\nOh, I missed you!\n\nCARL\nI don't remember the last time I felt\nthis way.\n\nELAINE\nMe, either!\n\nCARL\nI think about you all the time.\n\nELAINE\nYou do?\n\nCARL\nDo you think about me?\n\nELAINE\nOh yeah, all the time, all the time...although,\nrecently I've been thinking about this\nfriend of mine.\n\nCARL\nWhat friend?\n\nELAINE\nOh, just this woman...she got impregnated\nby her troglodytic half-brother, and\ndecided to have an abortion. (Waits\nin suspense for what Carl's response\nwill be.)\n\nCARL\nYou know, someday...we're going to get\nenough people in the Supreme Court to\nchange that law.\n\n(Elaine breaks down in tears.)\n\nGeorge sitting on Joe's couch, about to watch Breakfast At Tiffany's\nwith Joe and Remy.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, anything to uh, nosh?\n\nJOE\nWhat did you want?\n\nGEORGE\nPopcorn?\n\nREMY\nPopcorn? Where do you think you are?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, a lot of people keep popcorn in\nthe house.\n\nREMY\nWell, we don't.\n\nGEORGE\nYou might want to try it...makes the\nmovie more enjoyable, that's all.\n\nJOE\nHere's some nuts.\n\nGEORGE\nOh! Nuts! Excellent! You know what I\nlove? How there's two nuts named after\npeople. Hazel...and filbert.\n\nREMY\nCan we watch the movie now, Daddy? (Joe\npresses play on the remote.)\n\nGEORGE\nHey, let's turn off the lights, get\nsome real 'movie atmosphere.'\n\nJOE\nThe lights are fine. (George shrugs,\nand the movie begins.)\n\nKramer and Poppie in the kitchen of the restaurant, making the\nfirst 'test pizza.'\n\nKRAMER\nSee, anybody can do this. (Tosses pizza\ndough into the air.)\n\nPOPPIE\nUse your wrist! It's all in the wrist.\n(Kramer tosses the dough way up there.)\nNot too high!\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, put a little sauce on here...\n(speaks some unintelligible words in\nan Italian accent while spreading the\nsauce around.) Some cheese...\n\nPOPPIE\nNot too much!\n\nKRAMER\nAnd...cucumbers! (Grabs a large handful\nand puts them on the pizza.)\n\nPOPPIE\nWait a second...what is that?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's cucumbers.\n\nPOPPIE\nNo, no. You can't put cucumbers on a\npizza.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, why not? I like cucumbers.\n\nPOPPIE\nThat's not a pizza. It'll taste terrible.\n\nKRAMER\nBut that's the idea, you make your own\npie.\n\nPOPPIE\nYes, but we cannot give the people the\nright to choose any topping they want!\nNow on this issue there can be no debate!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat gives you the right to tell me\nhow I would make my pie?\n\nPOPPIE\nBecause it's a pizza!\n\nKRAMER\nIt's not a pizza until it comes out\nof the oven!\n\nPOPPIE\nIt's a pizza the moment you put your\nfists in the dough!\n\nKRAMER\nNo, it isn't!\n\nPOPPIE\nYes, it is!\n\nCut back to George, Joe and Remy watching the movie. Joe's wife\nenters.\n\nJOE'S WIFE\nI'm home.\n\nJOE\nHey, honey.\n\nREMY\nHi, Mom.\n\nJOE'S WIFE\nHi, baby. (To George.) Hello. Breakfast\nAt Tiffany's?\n\nJOE\nYeah.\n\nJOE'S WIFE\nWell, I just came back from Angela's,\nit's not looking very good for Duncan.\n\nJOE\nAw, that's too bad.\n\nJOE'S WIFE\nYeah, the doctor thinks it's just a\nmatter of time -\n\nGEORGE\nJoe...could you...\n\nJOE'S WIFE\nPoor guy, I hate to see him suffer like\nthis...\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, I'm sorry, I...I hate to be\none of those people, but we're right\nin the middle of this thing...I can't\nhear.\n\nJOE'S WIFE\nWho are you?\n\nJOE\nThis is George Costanza.\n\nGEORGE\nThis is very hard to follow with all\nthe talking.\n\nJOE\nI'll pause it, okay? (Pauses the tape\nwith the remote.)\n\nGEORGE\nAny more grape juice? (Gets up and goes\nto the kitchen. Remy moves to the end\nof the couch where George was sitting.)\n\nJOE'S WIFE\nWho is this guy?\n\nREMY\nHe's in some book club.\n\nJOE'S WIFE\nAnd what's he doing here?\n\nREMY\nCheating on his test. (George returns\nfrom the kitchen with a glass of grape\njuice.)\n\nGEORGE\nSo, we watching the movie, or are we\nstill talking? (Joe's wife shakes her\nhead and goes into the other room. George\ngestures to Remy to move.) Okay, c'mon.\nLet's go.\n\nREMY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nC'mon, you took my seat.\n\nREMY\nIt's not your seat.\n\nGEORGE\nI was sitting there, c'mon.\n\nREMY\nYou didn't save it.\n\nGEORGE\nI had the arm! Joe...\n\nJOE\nWhat's the difference?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I was very comfortable! I've got\nmy nuts here...\n\nREMY\nIt's my couch.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, c'mon, scooch over. (Tries\nto squeeze into the corner seat of the\ncouch and struggles with Remy. He spills\nhis glass of grape juice all over the\ncouch in the process.)\n\nREMY\nLook! Look what you did! You got grape\njuice all over our couch, you've ruined\nour couch! (Joe slowly walks toward\nGeorge with his hands on his hips.)\n\nGEORGE\nJoe...\n\nJerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment the next day, looking at\nthe \"Poppie-stain\" on Jerry's sofa.\n\nELAINE\nOh my god.\n\nJERRY\nYou see?!\n\nELAINE\nSo, you're gonna get a new couch?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I guess I have no choice.\n\nELAINE\nDo you want your old couch back?\n\nJERRY\nI was hoping you'd offer. (The intercom\nbuzzes, Jerry answers it.) Yeah?\n\nINTERCOM\nIt's the movers.\n\nJERRY\n'Kay. (Buzzes them in.)\n\nELAINE\nWho's that?\n\nJERRY\nYour boyfriend, he's taking it out.\n\nELAINE\nNo, no, he's not my boyfriend.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nELAINE\nTake a guess.\n\nJERRY\nOh, really. (Carl and another moving\nguy come in and pick up the couch.)\n\nELAINE\nHi.\n\nCARL\nHi.\n\nJERRY\nHey Carl, I also need you to go to Elaine's\nand bring my old couch back.\n\nCARL\nToday?\n\nJERRY\nCould you?\n\nCARL\nSure.\n\nELAINE\nWhat are you doing with this couch?\n\nJERRY\nGeorge is taking it.\n\nELAINE\nDid you tell him it was peed on?\n\nJERRY\nHe said he doesn't care, he'll just\nturn the cushion over.\n\nElaine and Carl in Elaine's kitchen.\n\nCARL\nI'm sorry you feel that way, Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, me too.\n\nCARL\nIt's just too bad.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. It is.\n\nCARL\nWell, I better get this couch back to\nJerry's.\n\nELAINE\nCan I offer you anything to drink?\n\nCARL\nYeah, sure.\n\nELAINE\nAll I've got is grape juice.\n\nCARL\nThrow it!\n\n(Elaine heaves the grape juice bottle over-hand at Carl, and\nwe hear the sound of breaking glass.)\n\nCARL\nThe couch!\n\nCommercial break.\n\nGeorge sitting in with the book club around a back booth at Monk's.\n\nMARIE\nShe didn't want the constraints of any\nrelationship, that's why she got rid\nof the cat. The most important thing\nin Holly's life was her independence.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, not really. After all, she did\nget together with George Peppard. I\nmean, Fred.\n\nMARIE\nGeorge...Fred's gay.\n\n(George ponders this quizzically.)\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Gymnast.html",
    "text": "THE GYMNAST\n\nWritten by\n\nAlec Berg & Jeff Schaffer\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nI've never been able to figure out why\nthey make these bizarre toilet seats\nthat they have. You know, like those\nclear Lucite ones, with all the, the\ncoins in it? It's a lovely tribute to\nour past president, by the way. It's\nnot bad enough Lincoln got shot in the\nhead, we gotta pull down our pants and\nsit on him, too. It's just incomprehensible\nthat you would buy a thing like this,\nyou install it on your toilet seat,\nand this says what about you? \"Well,\nI can't afford to just throw money down\nthe toilet, but look how close I am!\"\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nJERRY\nI cannot believe Lindsay's still seeing\nyou after that \"Breakfast at Tiffany's\"\nthing.\n\nGEORGE\nI think she finds my stupidity charming.\n\nJERRY\nAs we all do.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, anyway, she's uh, having some\nkind of a family lunch, I'll swing by\nafter.\n\nJERRY\nOh, so you're gonna meet the mother?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, I'll zip in, \"How do you do?\",\nzip out. She'll love me.\n\nJERRY\nYou're good with the mothers.\n\nGEORGE\nY'know, I'm better with the mothers\nthan I am with the daughters.\n\nJERRY\nMaybe you should date the mothers.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, if I could talk to the mothers\nand have sex with the daughters, then\nI'd really have something goin'.\n\nJERRY\nOh, you got something goin'.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\n(enters apartment) Hey.\n\nGEORGE\nHey! (heads toward bathroom)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, you got a hammer?\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you need a hammer for?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I got this new poster. 3-D art?\nComputers generate 'em.\n\nJERRY\nOh, yeah! I wanna see that. Bring it\nover.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, I don't have it now. I gotta\npick it up at Mr. Pitt's. Elaine was\nframing a bunch of stuff for him, so\nshe did me a favor. What, you wanna\ntake a ride?\n\nJERRY\nNah, I don't think so.\n\nKRAMER\n(shouting to the bathroom door) George,\nyou wanna go for a ride?\n\nGEORGE\n(inside bathroom) Nah.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, COME ON!\n\nJERRY\nHey, could you wait until the man finishes?\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, I've had it with you two.\n(opens apartment door to leave)\n\nJERRY\nHey, guess what? Remember that woman\nyou saw me with the other day? You know,\nshe used to be an Olympic gymnast?\n\nKRAMER\nA gymnast!\n\nJERRY\nYeah, she's Romanian, she won a silver\nat the '84 Olympics.\n\nKRAMER\nA gymnast, Jerry. Think of the flexibility.\nMmm, that sex'll melt your face.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, well, I think I'm bailing.\n\nKRAMER\n(shuts door) \"Bailing\"?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, you know, Kramer, there's always\na price to pay for just a sexual dalliance.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, you should pay that price.\n\nJERRY\nShe's Romanian. What am I gonna talk\nto her about, Ceausescu?\n\nKRAMER\nCh- oo-... what?\n\nGEORGE\n(emerging from bathroom, buttoning his\nshirt) A gymnast! I can't believe it,\nyou didn't tell me she was a gymnast.\n\nJERRY\n(watching George buttoning his shirt)\nWhat is this?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, I'm puttin' my shirt back on.\n\nJERRY\n(stares at George, incredulous) \"Back\non\"? What was it doing off?\n\nGEORGE\nI take it off when I go to the, uh,\ny'know, to the \"office\".\n\nJERRY\n(laughing) What for?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, it frees me up. No encumbrances.\n\nJERRY\nUnbuttoned, or all the way off?\n\nGEORGE\nALL the way, baby!\n\nJERRY\nOf course.\n\nKRAMER\n(convulses in pain) Yeow! Whoa.\n\nJERRY\nWhat, again? Kramer, if you keep getting\nthese attacks, you should see the doctor\nand have it checked out.\n\nKRAMER\n(exiting apartment) Yeah, yeah, yeah...\n\nJERRY\n(picks up newspaper, turns to George)\nYou always take the shirt off?\n\nGEORGE\nAlways.\n\nJERRY\nBoy, I tell ya', knowing you is like\ngoing out in the jungle. I never know\nwhat I'm going to find next, and I'm\nreal scared.\n\n(Mr. Pitt's office)\n\nMR. PITT\nElaine, I need you to proofread this\nreport for my meeting with the Poland\nCreek Bottled Water people.\n\nELAINE\nWhat meeting?\n\nMR. PITT\nI told you. I sit on the Board of Trustees\nfor Morgan Springs, and we're trying\nto acquire Poland Creek.\n\nELAINE\nOh! (tries to take paper)\n\nMR. PITT\n(pulls away) Are you using a fountain\npen?\n\nELAINE\nYes?\n\nMR. PITT\nThey smear! Under no circumstances is\nink to be used in this office.\n\nELAINE\nAll right! I'll use a pencil, Mr. Pitt.\n\n(knock at door)\n\nKRAMER\nElaine?\n\nELAINE\nCome in, come in!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. (enters, points at package) Yah,\nhuh?\n\nELAINE\nAh, right there, yeah.\n\nKRAMER\n(rips open package) Yeah, that's...\n\nELAINE\nKramer, it's...\n\nKRAMER\n(holds up framed picture): There she\nblows! (throws paper around)\n\nELAINE\nKramer, Kramer, can you do this at home?\nI've got, I've got work to do, okay?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, these are nice corners, huh?\n\nMR. PITT\nElaine, did I hear... (sees Kramer)\nOh, this is very odd.\n\nKRAMER\n(looking at picture) Yeah, it's 3-D\nart. Computers generate 'em. BIG computers.\n\nMR. PITT\nYes, I've heard about these. How do\nthey work?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you blur your eyes like you're\nstarin' straight through the picture.\nAnd you keep your eyes unfocused. And\nthen... (Kramer and Pitt stare at picture)\nOh, oh, oh, YEAH!\n\nMR. PITT\nI don't see it.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, it's a spaceship, surrounded by\nplanets, asteroids...\n\nMR. PITT\nI still don't see it.\n\nELAINE\nOkay, Kramer, that's enough. Mr. Pitt\nhas got work to do.\n\nKRAMER\nYa' ever dream in 3-D? It's like the\nboogeyman is comin' right at you.\n\nMR. PITT\nA spaceship, where?\n\nKRAMER\n(pointing) Right in here. Just keep\nyour eyes unfocused. (convulses in pain)\nWaahh! Oh, mama!\n\nELAINE\nKramer, what's wrong?\n\nKRAMER\nMama!\n\nELAINE\nKramer, Kramer, are you okay?\n\nKRAMER\nI think I gotta go to the doctor! (exits)\nOh, mama!\n\nMR. PITT\n(still staring at picture) How long\ndoes it usually take?\n\n(Lindsay's mother's apartment)\n\n(Lindsay's relatives are laughing, and George has apparently\nbeen witty and charming)\n\nMRS. ENRIGHT\nOh, George, it is so nice to finally\nmeet you. And I'm sorry we've kept Lindsay\nso long.\n\nLINDSAY\nMother...\n\nGEORGE\nOh, no, no, not at all. No, I have always\nfelt that the most important thing in\nthe world is spending time with family.\n\nMRS. ENRIGHT\nOh? Are you and your family close?\n\nGEORGE\n(hesitates) Very close, yes. Almost\npainfully close.\n\nLINDSAY\nMother, I'm going to walk Nana and Aunt\nPhyllis to the elevator. George, do\nyou mind waiting just one more minute?\n\nGEORGE\nMind? Why would I mind? I would love\nto wait! (shakes hands with Nana) Nana,\nnice to see you. Ni-ni-ni-ni-NANA! (embraces\nanother guest, kisses her) Aunt Phyllis,\nalways a pleasure. What a pleasure!\nHey, let's do this again real soon.\nI had fun, huh?\n\nMRS. ENRIGHT\nCan I offer you anything to eat?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, no no no, I'm fine. Let me help\nyou with these dishes, huh?\n\nMRS. ENRIGHT\nOh no, George, you don't have to...\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I know I don't have to, I want to.\n\nMRS. ENRIGHT\nGeorge, you are such a gentleman.\n\nGEORGE\nI'd argue if I could, Mrs. Enright.\n(exits) Here we go, all right.\n\n(Kitchen)\n\n(George opens trash bin, sees an \u00e9clair at the top with one bite\ntaken out of it. After looking around to make sure no one is\nwatching, he picks up the \u00e9clair and takes a bite just as Mrs.\nEnright enters the kitchen.)\n\nMRS. ENRIGHT\n(wide-eyed) Oh...\n\nGEORGE\n(spits out mouthful of food): Mrs. Enright!\nMrs. Enright!\n\n(Mr. Pitt's office)\n\nELAINE\n(pointing at 3-D picture) Look, there's\na spaceship! That is so cool!\n\nMR. PITT\nWhere is it?\n\nELAINE\n(pointing) Right here.\n\nMR. PITT\nI'm looking there!\n\nELAINE\nNo, no, unfocus.\n\nMR. PITT\nI am unfocused!\n\n(phone rings)\n\nELAINE\n(answering phone) Hello? Oh, yeah, okay\nfine. Uh, he'll be right down. (to Pitt)\nCar's here to pick you up and take you\nto the meeting.\n\nMR. PITT\n(still staring at picture) Meeting?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, the Poland Creek merger?\n\nMR. PITT\nWhy don't you go for me?\n\nELAINE\nHow can I go?\n\nMR. PITT\nOh, all they're gonna do is read the\nreport.\n\nELAINE\nMr. Pitt, I do not think that is such\na good idea.\n\nMR. PITT\nOh, DAMN this thing!\n\n(Jerry's car)\n\nJERRY\n(trying desperately to make conversation)\nSo, Ceausescu. He must've been some\ndictator.\n\nKATYA\nOh yes. He was not shy about dictating.\n\nJERRY\nHe, uh, he must've been dictating first\nthing in the morning. \"I want a cup\nof coffee and a muffin!\"\n\nKATYA\nAnd you could not refuse.\n\nJERRY\nNo, you'd have to be crazy.\n\nKATYA\nHe was a very bad dictator.\n\nJERRY\nYes. Very bad. Very, very bad.\n\n(Monk's Diner)\n\nJERRY\nSo lemme get this straight: you find\nyourself in the kitchen. You see an\n\u00e9clair, in the receptacle. And you think\nto yourself, \"What the hell, I'll just\neat some trash.\"\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no. No, no, no. It was not trash!\n\nJERRY\nWas it in the trash?\n\nGEORGE\nYes.\n\nJERRY\nThen it was trash.\n\nGEORGE\nIt wasn't down in, it was sort of on\ntop.\n\nJERRY\nBut it was in the cylinder!\n\nGEORGE\nAbove the rim.\n\nJERRY\nAdjacent to refuse, is refuse.\n\nGEORGE\nIt was on a magazine! And it still had\nthe doily on.\n\nJERRY\nWas it eaten?\n\nGEORGE\nOne little bite.\n\nJERRY\nWell, that's garbage.\n\nGEORGE\nBut I know who took the bite. It was\nher aunt!\n\nJERRY\nWell, you, my friend, have crossed the\nline that divides Man and Bum. You are\nnow a Bum.\n\n(Kramer enters, walking awkwardly)\n\nJERRY\nHey!\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's with you?\n\nKRAMER\nI got a stone.\n\nJERRY\nWhat stone?\n\nKRAMER\nA kidney stone.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is that, anyway?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's a, it's a stony mineral concretion,\nformed abnormally in the kidney. And\nthis jagged shard of calcium pushes\nits way through the ureter into the\nbladder. It's forced out through the\nurine!\n\nJERRY\nOh, that's gotta hurt.\n\n(Poland Creek office)\n\nARONSON\nOur shareholders have given basic approval\nfor the merger, including the stock\nswap.\n\nELAINE\nAh. The \"stock swap\". Let's swap some\nstock. (giggles)\n\nBECK\nAnd if you'll just give this to Mr.\nPitt, and tell him we expect to be in\nfull-scale production by the spring.\n\nELAINE\nAll right. (standing up) Hey, you guys--what's\nthe name of the new company gonna be?\n\nBECK\nMoland Spring.\n\nELAINE\n(making a face) \"Moland\"?\n\nARONSON\nYes, we combined Morgan and Poland.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I know, but... \"Moland\"? I wouldn't\ndrink anything called \"Moland\".\n\nARONSON\nBut it was Mr. Pitt's idea.\n\nELAINE\nOh! Well, ah, what's in a name? I mean,\nwater's water. Right?\n\nARONSON\n(to Beck) We've got to do something\nabout that name.\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nGEORGE\n(on phone, as Jerry gestures beside\nhim) No, Lindsay, it was not IN the\ngarbage. It was above the garbage. Hovering.\nLike an angel. Of course I know your\naunt bit it. I kissed her goodbye. Listen,\ncan I tell you something else? In my\nfamily, we used to eat out of the garbage\nall the time. (Jerry makes a face) It\nwas no big thing. That's right. Oh,\nokay. Buh-bye. (hangs up phone) I'm\nback in, she gave me a second chance.\n\nJERRY\nGood for you.\n\nGEORGE\nYes, good for me!\n\nJERRY\nY'know what you should do now? Get her\nsome flowers, smooth it out.\n\nGEORGE\nYes, flowers. I will get her flowers,\nI will go to the florist!\n\nKRAMER\n(enters apartment, holding up videotape)\nBehold! The Games of the '84 Olympiad!\nKatya's silver medal performance! (inserts\ntape into VCR, sets up TV)\n\nJERRY\nKramer, are you still on this? I've\nseen gymnasts. I know what they do.\nIt's not going to make any difference.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, what is your problem?\n\nJERRY\nKramer, y'know, guys like you, with\nno conscience, don't know what it's\nlike for guys like me. I'm in the unfortunate\nposition of having to consider people's\nfeelings.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, Jerry--are you familiar with\nthe Kama Sutra?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nKRAMER\nTantric yoga?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, you stand on the threshold to\nthe magical world of sensual delights\nthat most men dare not dream of!\n\nJERRY\nBoy, you can really talk some trash.\n(to George) I guess that's better than\neating it.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, all right, why don't we just\nwatch the tape? (starts playback)\n\nJERRY\nAll right.\n\nGEORGE\nDid you pass your stone yet?\n\nKRAMER\nNot yet. But the suspense is killing\nme.\n\nJERRY\n(pointing at TV) Hey, that's her!\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah. Oh yeah, that's her. (feminine\ngrunts and sighs can be heard as they\nwatch the tape) Look at the height,\nJerry, the extension! Now watch the\ntuck. Handstand, half-turn, giant into\na straddle, back into another handstand.\nNice kip. Reverse hecht. Oh, nice leg\nextension, good form! Now, here comes\nthe big dismount. Look at the rotation,\nfull in, double back, and she sticks\nthe landing! (gets up to leave as George\nand Jerry continue to watch, mouths\nagape) Perhaps you'd like to keep the\ntape? (silence) Well, I'll take that\nas a yes.\n\n(Jerry's car, night)\n\nJERRY\n(smiling and excited) Well, here we\nare.\n\nKATYA\nYes. We are here.\n\nJERRY\nHow did you stay on that beam like that?\n(holds up hand) I mean, it's only this\nwide!\n\nKATYA\nI can balance myself in any position.\n\n(Jerry swallows)\n\nKATYA\nIt is amazing after years of training\nhow one can contort one's body. Of course,\nit is only useful in gymnastics.\n\nJERRY\nOh boy...\n\n(Jerry's apartment, morning)\n\nJERRY\nI couldn't believe it. Uh, I mean I\nthought I was entering a \"magical world\"\nof sensual delights, but it was just\nso ordinary. I mean, there was nothing\ngymnastic about it.\n\nELAINE\nWell, what did you think she was gonna\ndo?\n\nJERRY\nWell, you know. I mean... I dunno.\n\nELAINE\nNo, what?\n\nJERRY\nWell, obviously I prefer not to mention\nany, you know...\n\nELAINE\nWhat did you think, she was going to\ntake some of that chalk and...\n\nJERRY\nYou see, now I really don't want to\nget into this, any kind of specifics...\n\nELAINE\nOh, come on. One thing? One thing! What?\n\nJERRY\nWell... Frankly, I thought, you know,\nI was gonna kinda' be like the apparatus.\n\nKRAMER\nYou mean like the uneven parallel bars?\n\nJERRY\nSee, again, I really don't feel that...\n\nELAINE\nThe balance beam?\n\nJERRY\nCould we stop?\n\nELAINE\n(gasps in mock surprise) Not the pommel\nhorse?\n\nJERRY\nAll right. Let's just drop it.\n\n(Jerry and Elaine move to couch)\n\nJERRY\nSo lemme ask you this: how long would\nyou say I have to put in now because\nof, you know, last night.\n\nELAINE\nI dunno, at least three weeks.\n\nJERRY\n(sarcastic) Oh, great.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, that is such small potatoes.\nI think that I may have single-handedly\nput the kibosh on the big water merger.\n\nJERRY\nBetween Poland and Morgan?\n\nELAINE\nYeah. Started a big name controversy.\n\n(Kramer shouts from off-screen)\n\nJERRY\nKramer! The stone!\n\n(Jerry and Elaine rush to Kramer's apartment, stand in doorway)\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened, did you pass the stone?\n\nKRAMER\n(Off-screen) No, I tried to do a reverse\nhecht off my couch and I didn't make\nit.\n\n(City street)\n\nGEORGE\n(singing as he exits florist with bouquet\nand a cup of coffee) \"...tootsie, good-bye.\nToo-too, tootsie...\" (takes a drink,\nmakes a face, shouts back at shop) You\ncall this coffee? (dumps out coffee\nbehind him, accidentally hitting a parked\ncar's windshield)\n\nMAN IN CAR\nHey! What the hell was that?!\n\nGEORGE\nI'm sorry! I'm terribly sorry! I- I-\n\nMAN IN CAR\nClean that up!\n\nGEORGE\nOh, sure. Of course. (looks for place\nto set down flowers) Um, uh, could you\nhold these? For just a second, just\na second. (grabs newspapers from trash\nbin, begins wiping windshield) Here\nyou go, now don't worry about a thing.\nIt's gonna be fine. Here we go. Look\nat this shine.\n\nMRS. ENRIGHT\n(sees George cleaning car windshield,\nlooks appalled)\n\nGEORGE\nLook at this sparkle. (looks up, sees\nLindsay's mother) Mrs. Enright! (runs\nafter her) Mrs. Enright! Mrs. Enright!\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nGEORGE\n(on phone, as Jerry gestures beside\nhim) No, Lindsay, I had accidentally\nspilled coffee on the gentleman's windshield.\nWhy would I do that? I have a job! Well,\ndid she see a squeegee? Well, you're\nnot going to make a dime without a squeegee.\nThat's right, that's right, just tell\nyour mother it was all a big misunderstanding.\nYou won't regret it. Okay, I'll see\nyou later. Buh-bye. (hangs up)\n\nJERRY\nStrike two!\n\nGEORGE\nYou think I'm going down?\n\nJERRY\nYou're behind in the count.\n\nGEORGE\nI know.\n\nKRAMER\n(enters apartment, points at Jerry)\nHey, what are you doing later?\n\nJERRY\nI'm going out with Katya, thanks to\nyou.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, maybe you should try again. You\nknow what happens the first time: people\nare a little shy, a little reticent.\n\nJERRY\nIf I do it again, that extends my payment\nbook another two weeks.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, where you going?\n\nJERRY\nWe're going to the circus. One of her\nold Olympic teammates is an acrobat.\nI don't even feel like going out.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, Jerry, it's your obligation. C'mon.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, well, y'know what? If I gotta\ngo, and spend time with this girl, then\nyou're coming with me, Dr. Cyclops!\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, no, I don't wanna go to the\ncircus, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, well you're going.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, but I'm afraid of clowns!\n\n(Mr. Pitt's office)\n\nMR. PITT\n(in polo outfit, complete with jacket\nand high boots) I didn't send you over\nthere to complain about the name.\n\nELAINE\nWell, I couldn't help it. \"Moland Spring\"?\n\nMR. PITT\nI like the name \"Moland\". I picked it\nout. After all those months of negotiating!\n\nELAINE\nWell, I'm so sorry! I-\n\nMR. PITT\nWell, I'm going riding. I haven't been\non Jenny for three days, all because\nof this blasted painting. (phone rings)\nElaine?\n\nELAINE\nOh, sorry. (picks up phone) Hello?\n\nMR. PITT\n(walks by 3-D poster, stops) Wait a\nminute! Wait a minute. Ah!\n\n(Circus, backstage)\n\n(Clowns rush by Jerry and Kramer, Kramer flinches in fear)\n\nKATYA\nSo, Jerry, you're enjoying the circus?\n\nJERRY\n\"Greatest Show on Earth\"!\n\nKATYA\nMy father used to take me to the circus.\nWhen the elephants came by, he would\nscream curses at them, blaming them\nfor all the ills of society.\n\nJERRY\nWell, they certainly take up a lot of\nspace.\n\n(Katya's friend walks up)\n\nKATYA\nAh, Misha!\n\nMISHA\nKatya!\n\nKATYA\nMisha, this is Jerry.\n\nMISHA\nAh, yes. The \"co-me-dian\", eh? (speaks\nin Romanian to Katya)\n\nKATYA\n(laughs, replies in Romanian while pointing\nat Jerry)\n\n(Mr. Pitt's office)\n\nELAINE\n(on phone) Oh, yes, yes I'll tell him.\nYes, thank you. Um, um hold on. (to\nPitt) Mr. Pitt!\n\nMR. PITT\n(staring at 3-D poster) I think I'm\non to something!\n\nELAINE\nMr. Pitt! The board of directors is\non the phone. They've called an emergency\nmeeting. They want you to be there to\ndiscuss the merger!\n\nMR. PITT\nYou said keep your eyes out of focus,\nwhich is misleading. You want DEEP focus!\n\nELAINE\n(on phone) Yes, hi. Okay, fine, yeah,\nhold on just a second. Lemme just...\n(reaches into purse) Yeah, I've got\nit... (pulls out both hands completely\ncovered in black ink) Oh! Oh! Yeah,\nyeah, he'll be there. (drops phone,\nrushes to Pitt) Mr. Pitt, you have GOT\nto stop staring at that poster!\n\nMR. PITT\nI see something that could be a spaceship.\nIs it round? Is it pointy?\n\nELAINE\n(grabs poster, smashes it) No, you don't\nsee it, and you're never going to see\nit! (grabs Pitt by the lapels, getting\nink all over his jacket) Mr. Pitt, you\nhave to meet with the shareholders,\nyou have to leave now. Do you hear me?\nDo you hear me?!\n\nMR. PITT\nHmm, what's happened to me? (straightens\nlapels) When's the meeting?\n\nELAINE\nIn about twenty minutes.\n\nMR. PITT\nOh! (puts finger to face, smearing ink\non his upper lip which now resembles\nan \"Adolph Hitler\"-style moustache)\nDo I have time to change?\n\nELAINE\nUm, no.\n\nMR. PITT\nWell, excuse me, I'd better get straight\nover there.\n\nELAINE\nUh, Mr. Pitt...\n\nMR. PITT\nYes?\n\nELAINE\nUm, there's a just... (points at her\nown upper lip)\n\nMR. PITT\n(sees Elaine's hands covered in ink)\nIs that ink?\n\nELAINE\nNo?\n\n(Pitt exits)\n\n(George's car)\n\nGEORGE\nWell, here we are.\n\nLINDSAY\nDo you want to come in? My mother's\nhaving a little party.\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe I could just use the bathroom.\n\nLINDSAY\nSure.\n\n(Circus, back stage)\n\nANNOUNCER\n(voiceover) Ladies and gentlemen, could\nI direct your attention to the center\nring, where the incomparable Misha will\nbalance ten stories above the circus\nfloor on a wire no wider than a human\nthumb.\n\nMISHA\nIt is time.\n\nJERRY\nWell, break a leg.\n\n(Misha gives Jerry a dark look)\n\nJERRY\nEh, show biz...\n\nANNOUNCER\nLadies and gentlemen, the incomparable\nMisha!\n\n(Misha exits)\n\nJERRY\nBoy, those capes are really coming back.\n\n(Lindsay's mother's apartment)\n\nPARTY GUEST\n(exits bathroom, finds George waiting)\nOh, sorry I took so long. They've got\none of those 3-D art posters in there.\n(wipes eyes) It's mesmerizing.\n\n(George enters bathroom)\n\n(Circus)\n\n(Kramer repeatedly convulses in pain, spilling popcorn and food\neverywhere, enters Men's room)\n\n(Misha walks slowly across tightrope)\n\n(Long scream bellows forth from Men's room, causing other occupant\nto flee and Misha to wobble)\n\n(Circus, back stage)\n\nJERRY\nWhat is that sound?\n\nKATYA\n(covering ears) It is horrible!\n\n(Shots of various circus performers reacting to the reverberating\nscream. Misha falls off the tightrope as audience gasps in horror)\n\n(Lindsay's mother's apartment)\n\n(George emerges from bathroom, shirtless and rubbing eyes)\n\nGEORGE\nWhew! Anybody see that poster in there?\nThat is weird, wild stuff, huh? Whew!\n\n(George looks around and sees all the party guests staring at\nhim, then realizes he's shirtless. Tries to act casual)\n\n(Morgan Springs shareholder meeting)\n\n(Mr. Pitt stands at a podium, and still has the small black \"ink\nmoustache\". He speaks harshly and with conviction, gesturing\nemphatically.)\n\nMR. PITT\nI have been accused of wrong-doing.\nBut these false accusations will not\ndeter us. We WILL annex Poland by the\nSpring, at any cost! AND... our stock\nwill rise HIGH! (raises hand)\n\n(Circus, back stage)\n\nKATYA\nHe'll be all right. I must go and be\nwith Misha now. I don't want you to\ncome with me.\n\nJERRY\nOh, why not?\n\nKATYA\nIt has been three days since our night\ntogether. Misha said that was all the\ntime I needed to put in.\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\nKATYA\nIn my country, they speak of a man so\nvirile, so potent, that to spend a night\nwith such a man is to enter a world\nof such sensual delights most women\ndare not dream of. This man is known\nas the \"Comedian\". You may tell jokes,\nMr. Jerry Seinfeld, but you are no Comedian.\n(walks off)\n\n(Circus, Men's room)\n\n(Kramer walks out, jubilant and whistling)\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Mom-And-Pop-Store.html",
    "text": "THE MOM AND POP STORE\n\nWritten by\n\nTom Gammill & Max Pross\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nI like the names they have for cars.\nLike, no baron has ever owned a LeBaron.\nOr the Ford LTD. \"LTD.\" Limited. It's\na \"limited\" edition...what did they\nmake, fifty million of those? \"Yes,\nit's 'limited' to the number we can\nsell.\" Or when they try and mangle a\npositive word into a car name, you know\nhow they'll do that? The \"Integra.\"\nOh, integrity? No, Integra. The \"Supra.\"\nOr the \"Impreza.\" Yeah? Well, I hope\nit's not a \"lemona\"...or you'll be hearing\nfrom my \"lawya.\"\n\n(George looking at cars at a used car lot, checking out an '89\nVolvo.)\n\nCAR SALESMAN\nGeorge, are you sure I can't show you\nany other cars?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't think so, Vic. I've done my\nhomework. '89 Volvo, that's the car\nfor me, it's the one I want.\n\nSALESMAN\nI got a LeBaron convertible right here.\n\nGEORGE\nN.I. Not interested.\n\nSALESMAN\nIt's got a few more miles on it, but\nthe previous owner was John Voight.\n\nGEORGE\nJon Voight?\n\nJerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment. Jerry is on the phone\nwith Tim Whatley.\n\nJERRY\nOkay, Tim. You're welcome. (Hangs up.)\n\nELAINE\nWas that Tim Whatley?\n\nJERRY\nYes, it was. He wanted your address\n- you, my friend, are going to be invited\nto his night-before-Thanksgiving party.\n(Elaine raises her hands triumphantly,\nthen gleefully struts her way to the\nkitchen.) You know, he's got that great\napartment on 77th street, and they overlook\nwhere they inflate all those huge balloons\nfor the Macy's Thankgiving Day Parade?\n\nELAINE\nI have always had a big crush on Tim\nWhatley. Why can't he ask me out? (Punctuates\nthis by shoving Jerry.)\n\nJERRY\nOh, he's a dentist. You don't want to\ngo out with a dentist.\n\nELAINE\nWhy?\n\nJERRY\nHe'll always be criticizing your brushing\ntechnique, it'll drive you crazy. (Mimics\nbrushing his teeth) Away from the gums...\n(The door opens a little, George jangles\nthe keys to his new car at Jerry and\nElaine, then enters.)\n\nJERRY\nUh - new car!\n\nELAINE\nOhhh! Mark's Michelle is a dog.\n\nJERRY\nHey! Did you get the Volvo?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I decided to go with an '89 LeBaron.\n\nELAINE\nA LeBaron?\n\nJERRY\nI thought Consumer said Volvo was the\ncar.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat Consumer? I'm the consumer.\n\nJERRY\nAlright. Seems like...a strange choice.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, maybe so...but it was good enough\nfor Mr. Jon Voight.\n\nELAINE\nJon Voight? The actor?\n\nGEORGE\nThat's right. He just happened to be\nthe previous owner of the vehicle.\n\nJERRY\nYou bought a car because it belonged\nto Jon Voight?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no...\n\nJERRY\nI think yes, yes. You like the idea\nof telling people you're driving Jon\nVoight's car.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, maybe I do. So what.\n\nELAINE\nI've never even seen him in a car. I\nmean, look at his movies. No cars. Deliverance\n- canoe. Midnight Cowboy - boots. Runaway\nTrain...runaway train. (Kramer enters.)\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, you know that shoe repair place\nat the end of the block? Well, if they\ndon't get some business, they're gonna\nhave to shut down and make way for one\nof those gourmet coffee or cookie stores.\n\nELAINE\nI like coffee.\n\nGEORGE\nI like (imitates Kramer) \"cookies.\"\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, of course you do. And do you know\nwhy? Because you're a bunch of yuppies.\nIt's your go-go corporate takeover lifestyles\nthat are driving out these Mom and Pop\nstores and destroying the fabric of\nthis neighborhood.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, what's so great about a Mom and\nPop store? Let me tell you something.\nIf my Mom and Pop ran a store, I wouldn't\nshop there.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Bogambo - they've been in the neighborhood\nfor 48 years. Now, come on, Jerry. You've\ngotta have a pair of shoes in need of\na cobblin.'\n\nJERRY\nI really don't wear the kind of shoes\nthat have to be cobbled.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, what about sneakers? You know,\nthey'll clean 'em. They do complete\ndetailing.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, take 'em.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah-yah.\n\nKramer dropping off a box full of Jerry's sneakers at Mom and\nPop's shoe repair shop.\n\nPOP\nKramer, without you, we'd be out of\nbusiness.\n\nKRAMER\nWell you know, these sneakers, they\nbelong to my neighbor, Jerry Seinfeld?\nThe comedian.\n\nMOM\nSo many sneakers!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, he's got a Peter Pan complex.\n\nPOP\nThey'll be ready a week from Thursday.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, well, no rush. (wipes his nose)\nUh oh.\n\nMOM\nWhat's the matter?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I keep getting these nosebleeds.\n\nMOM\nOh, lie down, and put your head back.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. (Lies on the couch and cracks\nthe back of his head against the armrest.)\nHey, what's with your ceiling? (Mom\nand Pop look up.)\n\nPOP\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you got wires sticking out every\nwhich way. That looks dangerous, you\nshould call the electrician.\n\nPOP\nYou know, in the 48 years we've been\nhere, I don't think we've ever called\nan electrician.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah well, you should. This place could\nblow any minute.\n\nElaine at Mr. Pitt's, listening to big band music on the radio.\nMr. Pitt enters.\n\nMR. PITT\nElaine?\n\nELAINE\nYes, Mr. Pitt?\n\nMR. PITT\nHave you gotten all the salt off those\npretzels yet?\n\nELAINE\nNo, I'm still working on it.\n\nMR. PITT\nWhat in blazes are you listening to?\n\nELAINE\nArtie Shaw. \"Honeysuckle Jump.\" (The\nsong ends.)\n\nDJ ON RADIO\nThat was Artie Shaw, \"Honeysuckle Jump.\"\n\nMR. PITT\nElaine! How did you know that?\n\nELAINE\nOh, my father used have a huge collection\nof big band records.\n\nDJ ON RADIO\nCongratulations to our listener Wayne\nHopper for identifying it. And by doing\nso, he becomes our seventh person to\nland the WFBB-sponsored Woody Woodpecker\nballoon in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day\nParade. (Mr. Pitt hears this and is\nintrigued; mouths the words \"Woody Woodpecker.\")\nThere are only three spots left. We're\ngoing to take a little break now; when\nwe come back, you'll have three more\nchances to win a spot holding a rope\nunder Woody Woodpecker.\n\nMR. PITT\nCould you identify the next song? Could\nyou? Could you?\n\nELAINE\nMr. Pitt, why would you want to hold\nonto the ropes on the Woody Woodpecker\nballoon?\n\nMR. PITT\nMy father was a stern man. He forbad\nus to participate in any activities\nthat he thought were associated with\nthe common man. The Thanksgiving Day\nParade was first on the list.\n\nELAINE\nOh. Alright, I'll do the best I can.\n(Turns up the radio.)\n\nDJ ON RADIO\nAlright, here we go for the next spot\nunder the balloon. If you know the name\nof this song, call 555-BAND. (The music\nstarts. Elaine listens intently.)\n\nMR. PITT\nWell, Elaine? Do you know it? What song\nis it?\n\nELAINE\nWill you shut up? I can't hear!\n\nMR. PITT\nI'm sorry!\n\nELAINE\nOh! I've got it! It's \"Next Stop Pottersville\"!\n(Grabs the phone to call it in.)\n\nMR. PITT\nGoody! Yes! Yes! Yes! (Dances back and\nforth, elated) Next Stop Pottersville,\nNext Stop Pottersville! You are a genius!\n\nJerry and George walking down the street toward George's new\ncar.\n\nGEORGE\nYou are gonna love this car. Even if\nyou don't like Jon Voight.\n\nJERRY\nI like Jon Voight. Just seems like kind've\na strange reason to buy a car, because\nhe might have driven it.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat do you mean \"might\"? You don't\nthink he really owned this car?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, why would the guy make up something\nlike that? Of all the names he could\npick, why settle on Jon Voight?\n\nJERRY\nDon't you see, that's the genius of\nit. If he had said Liam Neeson, you'd\nknow he's making it up.\n\nGEORGE\nNeeson? How are you comparing Liam Neeson\nwith Jon Voight? Jerry, we're talking\nabout Joe Buck. If you can play Joe\nBuck, Oskar Schindler's a cake walk.\n(Opens the car door for Jerry, Jerry's\nabout to get in.)\n\nJERRY\nOh, look at this, I stepped in gum.\n\nGEORGE\nWhoa, whoa, you're not getting in my\ncar with gummy shoes.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, I'll change my shoes. (Heads\nback to his apartment. George follows.)\n\nGEORGE\nLiam Neeson. You know, he's not American.\n\nCut to Jerry and George coming back to Jerry's apartment. Jerry\ntosses his gummy sneakers on the floor.\n\nJERRY\nLet me get a clean pair. (Goes into\nhis room. George strides over to the\nwindow.)\n\nGEORGE\nEverybody's talkin' at me...I can't\nhear a word they're sayin'...just drivin'\naround in Jon Voight's car...\n\nJERRY\nKramer! (We hear Kramer's door slam\nopen and shut. Kramer enters. Jerry\ncomes out of his room.) Hey! Where's\nall my sneakers?\n\nKRAMER\nYou said take 'em.\n\nJERRY\nNot all of 'em!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, obviously there was a miscommunication.\n\nJERRY\nObviously. So what am I supposed to\nwear?\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, I left you a pair right here...(goes\ninto Jerry's room and comes out with\na pair of cowboy boots.) C'mon. There,\nput on those boots.\n\nJERRY\nI can't wear these!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, why not?\n\nJERRY\nThey're uncomfortable.\n\nKRAMER\nC'mon here, try 'em on. (Jerry sits\ndown and puts the boots on.)\n\nGEORGE\nWhere did you get those?\n\nJERRY\nI worked a club in Dallas one time and\nthey couldn't afford to pay me so they\ngave me these. Oh, I can't wear these!\n(Stands up.) They look ridiculous!\n\nKRAMER\nAh, you look like a cowboy! Huh?\n\nJERRY\nBut I don't wanna be a cowboy!\n\nKRAMER\nOh, stop it. You know that friend of\nyours, Tim the dentist? I got an invitation\nto his Thanksgiving Eve party.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, I got one too.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah?\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah? Huh.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nNo, nothing.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, what is it?\n\nJERRY\nNo, it's just that I, uh...didn't get\none.\n\nGEORGE\nYou didn't get one?\n\nJERRY\nAh, but he called me up and he asked\nfor yours and Elaine's addresses, I'm\nsure that means I'm invited.\n\nKRAMER\nNot necessarily.\n\nJERRY\nHey, why would you call someone up and\nask them for two addresses if you're\nnot invited to the party?\n\nGEORGE\nThat's the genius of it.\n\nJERRY\nI'm callin' Elaine. See if she can find\nout anything from Tim Whatley.\n\nGEORGE\nHey. I got Jon Voight's LeBaron. (Jingles\nthe keys.)\n\nKRAMER\nBoss!\n\nMom and Pop talking to the electrician about the faulty wiring\nin the ceiling of the shop.\n\nPOP\nFour thousand dollars? We can't afford\nthat!\n\nELECTRICIAN\nWell I'm afraid you're gonna have to\ndo something about it, because it's\nin violation of the building code. Otherwise,\nthey're gonna close you up.\n\nPOP\nBut what if we can't pay for it?\n\nELECTRICIAN\nThen I have to report you. Otherwise,\nI lose my license. Sorry. (Exits.)\n\nPOP\n48 years, Mom! And now we have to close!\nAll because of that idiot and his bloody\nnose! (Kramer enters.)\n\nKRAMER\nAfternoon, Mom! Afternoon, Pop. You\nknow you got a crack in the sidewalk\nout there? Now, you oughta get that\nfixed.\n\n(Pop glares at Kramer angrily.)\n\nGeorge and Jerry driving along in John Voight's car. George is\nhumming the tune to \"Everybody's Talkin.'\"\n\nGEORGE\nSo?\n\nJERRY\nC'mon, put the top up, it's November!\n\nGEORGE\nI feel alive, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nLet's check out the glove box. (Opens\nthe glove compartment, takes out a pencil.)\nAh. Pencil.\n\nGEORGE\nHey...you don't think...sure, that's\nJon Voight's pencil!\n\nJERRY\nWith Jon Voight's teeth marks. (Looks\nat the owner's manual.) Owner's manual...you\nknow what? This car was owned by Jon\nVoight.\n\nGEORGE\nAh! See? I told ya.\n\nJERRY\nExcept Jon is spelled with an H. J-O-H-N.\n\nGEORGE\nSo?\n\nJERRY\nDoesn't Jon Voight spell his name J-O-N?\n\nGEORGE\nSo, what are you saying?\n\nJERRY\nNothing. I'm sure \"Jon\" probably mispelled\nhis own name. I know sometimes I spell\nJerry with a G...and an I! (Laughs uproariously.)\n\nGEORGE\nGet out of the car!\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nThat's right, you heard me. Get out!\nYou are ruining this whole experience\nfor me!\n\nJERRY\nOh, look! There's Gregory Peck's bicycle!\n\nGEORGE\nGet out!\n\nJERRY\nAnd Barbara Mandrell's skateboard!\n\nGEORGE\nGet out!! (Jerry gets out and George\ndrives away. A couple of guys notice\nJerry in his cowboy boots.)\n\nTOUGH GUY\nHey, cowboy. Where's your horse? (Jerry\nslips and slides in his cowboy boots\nand runs away.) Yeah, you better run!\n\nCommercial break.\n\nJerry, George and Elaine at Jerry's apartment.\n\nGEORGE\nDid they take anything?\n\nJERRY\nNo, they didn't even touch me. I tripped\nbecause of these stupid cowboy boots.\n\nGEORGE\nAnyway, again, I'm sorry about throwing\nyou out of the car.\n\nJERRY\nYou really seemed to enjoy it.\n\nGEORGE\nIt was kinda fun. (Elaine gives Jerry\na cold cloth for his jaw.) You know,\nmaybe his name really is J-O-H-N, but\nhe changed it to J-O-N for show business.\nWell, you know, J-O-N is a lot zippier.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, that's possible.\n\nGEORGE\nHow would you find out something like\nthat...wait a minute, what am I thinking?\nI've got the entire Yankee organization\nat my disposal.\n\nJERRY\nHe'll dispose of it.\n\nGEORGE\nHeh, that's right. See ya later. (Exits.)\n\nELAINE\nSo Jerome, I did a little snooping around\nfor you.\n\nJERRY\nAh! What'd you find out, Lois?\n\nELAINE\nWell, I talked to Tim Whatley...\n\nJERRY\nYeah...\n\nELAINE\nAnd I asked him, \"Should Jerry bring\nanything?\"\n\nJERRY\nSo...?\n\nELAINE\nMmmm...and he said, \"Why would Jerry\nbring anything?\"\n\nJERRY\nAlright, but let me ask you this question.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nWhich word did he emphasize? Did he\nsay, \"Why would Jerry bring anything?\"\nor, \"Why would Jerry bring anything?\"\nYou emphasize \"Jerry\" or \"bring.\"\n\nELAINE\nI think he emphasized \"would.\"\n\nJERRY\nYou know what? The hell with this party,\nI don't even want to go to begin with.\n(Kramer enters.)\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey, so where's my sneakers?\n\nKRAMER\nThat's what I wanna know.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you mean?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I saw Mom and Pop this morning,\nbut when I went by the store on my way\nhome? The place was empty. Everything\nis gone. Mom and Pop - vrooop - vanished.\n\nJERRY\nSo all my sneakers are gone?\n\nKRAMER\nI'm afraid so. And that's just the tip\nof the iceberg. I've been asking around\n- they didn't even have any kids.\n\nJERRY\nMom and Pop aren't even a Mom and Pop?!\n\nKRAMER\nIt was all an act, Jerry. They conned\nus, and they scored, big time.\n\nELAINE\nSo. Mom and Pop's plan was to move into\nthe neighborhood...establish trust...for\n48 years. And then, run off with Jerry's\nsneakers.\n\nKRAMER\nApparently.\n\nELAINE\nAlright, that's enough of this.\n\nJERRY\nWhere ya goin'?\n\nELAINE\nI gotta go to the Dixieland Deli to\npick up Mr. Pitt's security pass for\nthe parade.\n\nJERRY\nWhy does he want to hold a rope underneath\nWoody Woodpecker in the Thanksgiving\nDay Parade?\n\nELAINE\nHe finds his laugh \"intoxicating.\" (Laughs\nlike Woody Woodpecker, and exits.)\n\nGeorge in a meeting at Yankee stadium.\n\nMR. MORGAN\nSo George, what kind of promotional\nevents are we talking about?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I think we need more special days\nat the stadium, you know? Like, uh...Joe\nPepitone Day. Or, uh...Jon Voight Day.\n\nMR. MORGAN\nJon Voight? The actor? (Rubs his eyes\nwearily.) Uh, I make a motion that we\nhave no more of these meetings that\nhave been initiated by George Costanza.\n\nGEORGE\nI suppose if I had suggested Liam Neeson\nDay, you'd all be patting me on the\nback.\n\nElaine at the Dixieland Deli, seated at a table with the other\ncontest winners.\n\nCONTEST WINNER\nI guessed Stan Herman's \"Boomtown Blues.\"\nWhat'd you guess?\n\nELAINE\nUm, it was, uh...\"Next Stop Pottersville.\"\n(The group is unimpressed.) Uh, do you\nknow when they're giving out the passes?\n\nCONTEST WINNER\nAfter the music. (The band starts playing\ndirectly behind Elaine. She is deafened\nby the loudness of the horns.)\n\nKramer walking down the street. His nose starts to bleed.\n\nKRAMER\nOh. Oh man. (Takes out a Kleenex and\nputs his head back. Jon Voight comes\nout of a doorway and hails a cab.)\n\nVOIGHT\nTaxi! (Walks right by Kramer.) Taxi.\n\nKRAMER\nHey! Jon Voight! Jon Voight! (Voight\nwaves at Kramer and hurriedly gets in\nthe cab. Kramer runs over to the car.)\nHey, listen, can I ask you something?\nListen, listen...(Leans in the the open\nback window of the cab. Defensively,\nVoight grabs Kramer's arm and bites\nit. Kramer screams. The cab speeds off\nleaving Kramer in the street, stunned.)\n\nJerry and George in Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nNo Jon Voight Day, huh?\n\nGEORGE\nNo. Now I'll always have this doubt\nabout the car. What, your jaw still\nhurts?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, it's all swollen. I think I may\nhave chipped a tooth when I fell yesterday.\n\nGEORGE\nYou should have somebody take a look\nat that.\n\nJERRY\nI'm calling dentists all day here, there's\nnobody working the day before Thanksgiving.\n\nGEORGE\nYou going to the party?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I don't know if I'm invited.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, there's going to be a lot of dentists\nthere.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, you're right.\n\nGEORGE\nYou don't want to suffer with this all\nweekend.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I gotta see a dentist, this is\nkillin' me. Well, I'll take a chance.\nWe'll go together.\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe I'll just meet you there.\n\nJERRY\nYou don't want to go with me?\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, for all I know this guy went\nout of his way to not invite you. How\nam I gonna feel if I show up with an\nuninvited, unwelcome intruder?\n\nJERRY\nThe way I feel when I go places with\nyou? (Kramer enters.) Hey, so'd you\nfind my sneakers yet?\n\nKRAMER\nNo. (To George) But I did run into somebody\nyou might be interested in, a Mr. Jon\nVoight, the actor?\n\nGEORGE\nJon Voight! Are you kiddin' me? Did\nyou talk to him?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, he was a little standoffish.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, you didn't ask him about the car?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, I couldn't, his cab pulled away.\nBut he did, however, make an impression\non me. (Pulls up his sleeve and shows\nGeorge his arm.) Look.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nHis tooth marks. He bit me.\n\nGEORGE\nJon Voight bit you?\n\nJERRY\nWell, what is he, a vampire?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, it's justifiable. He thought I was\ngoing for his wallet.\n\nGEORGE\nHe left perfect imprints.\n\nKRAMER\nThat he did. Now, you got that pencil\nwith the bite marks on it? We get a\ntrained eye to match 'em up, and we'll\nsee whether or not you're driving Jon\nVoight's car!\n\nJERRY\nOh, please.\n\nGEORGE\nWait a minute, wait, it's not that stupid.\n\nJERRY\nNo, it's stupid.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy? Why isn't it possible? I mean,\nthey're both bite marks.\n\nJERRY\nSo you're gonna show up at that party\nwith a chewed-up pencil and Kramer's\ngnarled arm.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's worth a shot. (Goes to the door.)\n\nJERRY\nSo, Kramer, you wanna go to the party\ntogether?\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, look, come on, I'm an invited\nguest. I can't be aiding and abetting\nsome...party-crasher.\n\nTim Whatley's party. Jerry peeks his head around the corner,\nthen slowly moves through the crowd, covering his face to keep\na low profile.\n\nJERRY\nExcuse me, uh...dentist? You a dentist?\n(The guy shakes his head. Jerry moves\non to another guy.) Dentist? Are you\na dentist?\n\nCut to George and Kramer looking at the parade out the window.\n\nGEORGE\nThese are the balloons? Big deal, all\nI see is Woody Woodpecker.\n\nKRAMER\nYou got a problem with Woody Woodpecker?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, what is he? Some sort of an instigator?\n\nKRAMER\nThat's right. He's a troublemaker.\n\n(Elaine enters the party with a trophy under her arm, and runs\ninto Jerry.)\n\nJERRY\nHey, Elaine. Did you get my message?\n\nELAINE\nWhat? I can't hear a word you're saying.\nI was stuck at the Dixieland Deli all\nday. My head is still ringing. Where's\nTim?\n\nJERRY\nWhat is that, the Empire State Building?\n\nELAINE\nWhat? I can't hear you.\n\nJERRY\nElaine, would you marry me?\n\nELAINE\nI told you, I can't hear a word.\n\nJERRY\nAlright. Forget it.\n\n(Tim gets up from the couch and meets George and Kramer.)\n\nGEORGE\nHey, Tim.\n\nTIM\nHey, George. Kramer, how ya doin.' (They\nshake hands.)\n\nGEORGE\nWatch the arm! Tim, listen, we don't\nwant to bother you, we know you're busy\nhere.\n\nTIM\nNo, it's no problem, what is it?\n\nGEORGE\nLet me show you something, take a look\nat this... (Another guy at the party\ninterrupts.)\n\nGUY\nAlright Tim, I'm gonna get goin.'\n\nTIM\nAlright, let me take down your number.\n(Grabs George's pencil, then notices\nJerry sitting on the couch.) Is that\nJerry Seinfeld?\n\nKRAMER\nHe didn't come with us. (Tim walks over\nto Jerry.)\n\nGEORGE\nUh, Tim, the pencil...\n\nTIM\nJerry.\n\nJERRY\nHey, Tim.\n\nTIM\nJerry. I didn't think you'd show.\n\nJERRY\nDid you say, \"Jerry, I didn't think\nyou'd show\" or, \"Jerry, I didn't think\nyou'd show\"? (Elaine comes over.)\n\nTIM\nElaine! Hi!\n\nELAINE\nTim.\n\nTIM\nWell. I'm really glad you came.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nTIM\nReally glad you came.\n\nELAINE\nUh huh.\n\nTIM\nListen, Elaine, I've been wanting to\nask you...would you like to go out with\nme New Years Eve? (Elaine thinks Tim\nis offering her a nut, and shakes her\nhead no. Tim, rejected, walks away.)\nThanks.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? What?\n\n(Cut to George and Kramer talking to another dentist at the party.)\n\nGEORGE\nLet me ask you something. Could you\ntell if teeth marks on someone's arm\nmatched teeth marks on a pencil?\n\nDENTIST\nIt's possible.\n\nGEORGE\nRoll up your sleeve.\n\nDENTIST\nSomebody bit you?\n\nKRAMER\nNot just someone. Jon Voight.\n\nDENTIST\nJon Voight bit you? (George notices\nTim across the room with the pencil\nin his mouth.) The pencil! Hey, hey!\nGet the pencil out of your mouth, you're\ndestroying Jon Voight's teeth marks!\n\nTIM\nThat's John Voight's pencil?\n\nGEORGE\nThat's right. I got his whole car downstairs.\n\nTIM\nAre you the one who bought his LeBaron\nconvertible?\n\nGEORGE\nYes! Yes, I'm the one! Hey! So, you\nknow Jon Voight!\n\nTIM\nYes! Yes, I went to dental school with\nhim.\n\nGEORGE\nJon Voight, the actor?\n\nTIM\nNo. The periodontist. (George snaps\nthe pencil in two.)\n\n(Cut to Jerry by the window, getting one of the dentists at the\nparty to look at his chipped tooth.)\n\nDENTIST\nCan't this wait until Monday? Come by\nmy office.\n\nJERRY\nJust a quick peek. I'm in agony.\n\nDENTIST\nAlright. Sit down.\n\nJERRY\nIt's this one here in the back. (Tilts\nhis head back, and knocks Elaine's trophy\nout the window. A loud hissing sound\nand commotion is heard from the street\nbelow. Everyone runs to the windows\nto look.)\n\nKRAMER\nOh! You popped Woody Woodpecker!\n\nTIM\nHey, who invited you, anyway? You're\na troublemaker! (Jerry nervously laughs\nlike Woody Woodpecker as the breeze\nfrom the popped balloon blows in the\nwindow.)\n\nJerry and Kramer in Jerry's apartment, watching the Macy's Thanksgiving\nDay Parade on TV.\n\nANNOUNCER ON TV\nHey, it looks like Woody Woodpecker\nis running out of air. In fact, he's\ncollapsing.\n\nKRAMER\nThose kids look pretty disappointed.\n\nJERRY\nEspecially that big kid up in the front.\n(Mr. Pitt is shown on the television,\ntrying to hold up the deflating Woody\nballoon.) How old is he? (The phone\nrings.) Hello?\n\nGUY ON PHONE\nHello, is this Jerry Seinfeld?\n\nJERRY\nYes it is.\n\nGUY ON PHONE\nYou don't know me, but a really strange\nthing happened. I was at a garage sale,\nand this old couple sold me a used pair\nof sneakers they claimed belonged to\nJerry Seinfeld, the comedian.\n\nJERRY\nCan I have the address of that garage\nsale? Okay, thank you very much. (To\nKramer) I found Mom and Pop, they're\nsellin' my sneakers!\n\nKRAMER\nWhere are they?\n\nJERRY\nParsippany, New Jersey.\n\nKRAMER\nLet's go!\n\nJERRY\nMy car's in the shop.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, how are we getting to Parsippany?\n\n(Cut to Jerry and Kramer sitting in the back of a Trailways bus,\nen route to Parsippany. Kramer's nose starts to bleed again.)\n\nKRAMER\nUh. Jerry. These nosebleeds are starting\nagain.\n\nJERRY\nMaybe we should get you to a hospital.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, I ain't goin' to no Bellevue! Look\nat me, I'm fallin' apart here.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Soup.html",
    "text": "THE SOUP NAZI\n\nWritten by\n\nSpike Feresten\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. So, what theatre you wanna\ngo to tonight? We got 61st and 3rd or\n84th and Broadway.\n\nJERRY\nWhich one you wanna go to shmoopy?\n\nSHEILA\nYou called me shmoppy. You're a shmoopy.\n\nJERRY\nYou're a shmoopy!\n\nSHEILA\nYou're a shmoopy!\n\nJERRY\nYou're a shmoopy!\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, shmoopies...what's it gonna\nbe? Pick a theater.\n\nJERRY\nUh..we'll go to 3rd Avenue. So, can\nyou come with us for lunch to the soup\nplace?\n\nSHEILA\nNo. You have a good lunch. But I'll\nmeet you back here for the movie.\n\nGEORGE\nHey.\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nSHEILA\nHi Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nHi Sheila.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, then. I'll see you later.\n\nSHEILA\nBye shmoopy.\n\nJERRY\nBye shmoopy.\n\nELAINE\nOkay. We ready to go?\n\nGEORGE\nYes. Please. Please, let's go.\n\nELAINE\nBoy, I'm in the mood for a cheeseburger.\n\nJERRY\nNo. We gotta go to the soup place.\n\nELAINE\nWhat soup place?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, there's a soup stand, Kramer's been\ngoing there.\n\nJERRY\nHe's always raving. I finally got a\nchance to go there the other day, and\nI tell you this, you will be stunned.\n\nELAINE\nStunned by soup?\n\nJERRY\nYou can't eat this soup standing up,\nyour knees buckle.\n\nELAINE\nHuh. All right. Come on.\n\nJERRY\nThere's only one caveat -- the guy who\nruns the place is a little temperamental,\nespecially about the ordering procedure.\nHe's secretly referred to as the Soup\nNazi.\n\nELAINE\nWhy? What happens if you don't order\nright?\n\nJERRY\nHe yells and you don't get your soup.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nJust follow the ordering procedure and\nyou will be fine.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. All right. Let's - let's\ngo over that again.\n\nJERRY\nAll right. As you walk in the place\nmove immediately to your right.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nThe main thing is to keep the line moving.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. So, you hold out your money,\nspeak your soup in a loud, clear voice,\nstep to the left and receive.\n\nJERRY\nRight. It's very important not to embellish\non your order. No extraneous comments.\nNo questions. No compliments.\n\nELAINE\nOh, boy, I'm really scared!\n\nJERRY\nElaine.\n\nELAINE\nAll right. Jerry, that's enough now\nabout the Soup Nazi. Whoa! Wow! Look\nat this. You know what this is? This\nis an antique armoire. Wow! It's French.\nArmoire.\n\nJERRY\nAr-moire.\n\nELAINE\nHow much is this?\n\nFURNITURE GUY\nI was asking 250, but you got a nice\nface. 2 even.\n\nELAINE\nHuh? Ha. 200. You know, I've always\nwanted one of these things.\n\nJERRY\nHe gave you the nice face discount.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. All right. You guys go ahead.\n\nJERRY\nWhat about the soup?\n\nELAINE\nI'm getting an armoire, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\n(in French accent) Pardon.\n\nGEORGE\nThis line is huge.\n\nJERRY\nIt's like this all the time.\n\nGEORGE\nIsn't that that Bania guy?\n\nJERRY\nOh, no. It is. Just be still.\n\nGEORGE\nWhoop! Too late. I think he picked up\nthe scent.\n\nBANIA\nHey, Jerry! I didn't know you liked\nsoup.\n\nJERRY\nHard to believe.\n\nBANIA\nThis guy makes the best soup in the\ncity, Jerry. The best. You know what\nthey call him? Soup Nazi.\n\nJERRY\nShhhhh! All right, Bania, I - I'm not\nletting you cut in line.\n\nBANIA\nWhy not?\n\nJERRY\nBecause if he catches us, we'll never\nbe able to get soup again.\n\nBANIA\nOkay. Okay.\n\nGEORGE\nMedium turkey chili.\n\nJERRY\nMedium crab bisque.\n\nGEORGE\nI didn't get any bread.\n\nJERRY\nJust forget it. Let it go.\n\nGEORGE\nUm, excuse me, I - I think you forgot\nmy bread.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nBread -- $2 extra.\n\nGEORGE\n$2? But everyone in front of me got\nfree bread.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nYou want bread?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, please.\n\nSOUP NAZI\n$3!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nSOUP NAZI\nNo soup for you! (snaps fingers)\n\n(cashier takes George's soup and gives him back his money)\n\nELAINE\nWhat do you mean I can't bring in here?\nI live here.\n\nSUPER\nIt's Sunday, Elaine. There's no moving\non Sunday. That's the rule.\n\nELAINE\nBut I didn't know, Tom. I g -- can't\nyou just make an exception? Please.\nI've got a nice face.\n\nSUPER\nTomorrow, okay? You can move it in tommorrow.\nI'll even give you a hand, all right?\n\nELAINE\nOhh! Well, you're just gonna have to\nhold this for me.\n\nFURNITURE GUY\nI'm a guy on the sidewalk. I don't have\nlayaway.\n\nELAINE\nOh, no...please don't go. Please - please\ndon't walk away.\n\nJERRY\nOh, man. Ohh! This is fantastic. How\ndoes he do it?\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, I don't see how you can sit\nthere eating that and not even offer\nme any?\n\nJERRY\nI gave you a taste. What do you want?\n\nGEORGE\nWhy can't we share?\n\nJERRY\nI told you not to say anything. You\ncan't go in there, brazenly flaunt the\nrules and then think I'm gonna share\nwith you!\n\nGEORGE\nDo you hear yourself?\n\nJERRY\nI'm sorry. This is what comes from living\nunder a Nazi regime.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I gotta go back there and try\nagain. Hi Sheila.\n\nSHEILA\nHi. Hi shmoopy.\n\nJERRY\nHi shmoopy.\n\nSHEILA\nNo, you're a shmoopy!\n\nJERRY\nYou're a shmoopy!\n\nGEORGE\nI'm going.\n\nJERRY\nHey, listen, so we'll meet you and Susan\nat the movie tonight?\n\nGEORGE\nYou know what? I changed my mind. I,\nuh, I don't think so.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nGEORGE\nI just don't feel like it anymore.\n\nJERRY\nJust like that?\n\nGEORGE\nJust like that.\n\nSHEILA\nBoy, he's a weird guy, isn't he?\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\n(taking Jerry's couch cushion) Yeah.\n\nJERRY\nHey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Wha\n-- what are you doing?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Elaine, she has to leave her armoire\non the street all\n\nnight...I'm gonna guard it for her. I need something to sit on.\n\nJERRY\nWell, sit on one of your couch cushions.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, but this is so nice and thick.\nAhoy there!\n\nELAINE\nOh, Kramer! Thank God. I really appreciate\nyou doing this.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Well, you ask for it, you got\nit.\n\nELAINE\nDo you need anything?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, a bowl of muligatawny would hit\nthe spot.\n\nELAINE\nMulligatawny?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. It's an Indian soup. It's simmered\nto perfection by one of\n\nthe great soup artisans\n\nin the modern era.\n\nELAINE\nOh! Who? The Soup Nazi?\n\nKRAMER\nHe's not a Nazi. He just happens to\nbe a little eccentric. Most\n\ngeniuses are.\n\nELAINE\nAll right. I'll be back.\n\nKRAMER\nWait a second. You don't even know how\nto order.\n\nELAINE\nOh, no. No. No. No. I got it.\n\nKRAMER\nNo. No, Elaine!\n\nELAINE\nHey, I got it. Hey. Didn't you already\nget soup?\n\nGEORGE\nNo. I didn't get it.\n\nELAINE\nWhy? What happened?\n\nGEORGE\nI made a mistake.\n\nELAINE\n(laughing)\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. Well, we'll see what happens\nto you.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. No. Listen, George, I am quite\ncertain I'm walking out of\n\nthere with a bowl of soup.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Hey, let ask you something. Is\nit just me, or - or do you\n\nfind it unbearable to be around Jerry and that girl?\n\nELAINE\nOh, I know! It is awful!\n\nGEORGE\nWhy do they have to do that in front\nof people?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat is that with the shmoopy?\n\nELAINE\nOhh!\n\nGEORGE\nThe shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy, shmmopy,\nshmoopy!\n\nELAINE\nOhh! Stop it! I know.\n\nGEORGE\nI had to listen to a five minute discussion\non which one is\n\nactually called shmoopy.\n\nELAINE\nUgh!\n\nGEORGE\nAnd I cancelled plans to go to the movies\nwith them tonight.\n\nELAINE\nYou know, we should say something.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, we absolutely should.\n\nELAINE\nI mean, why does he do that? Doesn't\nhe know what a huge turnoff\n\nthat is?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know. He can be so weird sometimes.\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nI still haven't figured him out.\n\nELAINE\nNo. Me neither.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. Shh! I gotta focus. I'm shifting\ninto soup mode.\n\nELAINE\nOh, God!\n\nGEORGE\nGood afternoon. One large crab bisque\nto go. Bread. Beautiful.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nYou're pushing your luck little man.\n\nGEORGE\nSorry. Thank you.\n\nELAINE\nHi there. Um, uh -- (drumming on countertop)\nOh! Oh! Oh! One\n\nmulligatawny and, um....\n\nwhat is that right there? Is that lima bean?\n\nSOUP NAZI\nYes.\n\nELAINE\nNever been a big fan. (coughing) Um..you\nknow what? Has anyone ever\n\ntold you you look exactly like Al Pacino? You know, \" Scent Of\nA Woman.\"\n\nWho-ah! Who-ah!\n\nSOUP NAZI\nVery good. Very good.\n\nELAINE\nWell, I --\n\nSOUP NAZI\nYou know something?\n\nELAINE\nHmmm?\n\nSOUP NAZI\nNo soup for you!\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nSOUP NAZI\nCome back one year! Next!\n\nRAY\nLook at this.\n\nBOB\nIt's an antique.\n\nRAY\nIt's all hand made and I love the in-lay.\n\nBOB\nYes. Yes. me, too. Ay, it's gorgeous.\nCompletely. Pick it up. No. No.\n\nPick it up from the bottom over there.\n\nKRAMER\nWait. Wait. Wait. Wait. What are you\ndoing?\n\nBOB\nWhat does it look like we're doing?\nWe're taking this.\n\nKRAMER\nYou can't take this. This belongs to\na friend of mine.\n\nBOB\nLook, you wanna get hurt?\n\nKRAMER\nHuh?\n\nBOB\nI don't think you wanna get hurt. Because\nif you wanna get hurt I can\n\nhurt you. Now, just back off.\n\nRAY\nBob.\n\nBOB\nJust pick it up.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat is this, huh?\n\nBOB\nYou have some kind of problem here?\nWhat is it you not understanding?\n\nWe taking the armoire and that's all there is to it. Okay?\n\nELAINE\nI mean, is he allowed to do this? It's\ndiscrimination! I'm gonna\n\ncall the states' attorney office. I really am.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, this is fabulous. My God Elaine,\nyou have to taste this.\n\nELAINE\nAll right. All right. Give me a tsate.\nMmm! Oh God, I gotta sit\n\ndown. What happened? Where's my armoire?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, b -- it was stolen.\n\nELAINE\nWha--?\n\nKRAMER\nThese street toughs, they robbed me.\n\nELAINE\nStreet toughs took my armoire?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. It was very frightening. My life\nwas in danger. You should've\n\nseen the way they talked to me.\n\nELAINE\nI can't believe this!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, where's the soup?\n\nELAINE\nWha -- the Soup Nazi threw me out.\n\nKRAMER\nOh...yeah!\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you gonna get?\n\nSHEILA\nI'll decide at the last minute.\n\nJERRY\nYou better decide, sister. You're on\ndeck. Sheila!\n\n(Soup Nazi pounding on countertop)\n\nJERRY\nUh-oh.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nHey, what is this? You're kissing in\nmy line? Nobody kisses in\n\nmy line!\n\nSHEILA\nI can kiss anywhere I want to.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nYou just cost yourself a soup!\n\nSHEILA\nHow dare you? Come on, Jerry, we're\nleaving. Jerry?\n\nJERRY\nDo I know you?\n\nELAINE\nSo, essentially, you chose soup over\na woman?\n\nJERRY\nIt was a bisque.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. You know what I just realized?\nSuddenly, George has become\n\nmuch more normal than you.\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\nELAINE\nYeah. Come on. I mean, think about it.\nHe's engaged to be married.\n\nYour top priority is soup.\n\nJERRY\nHave you tastes the soup?\n\nELAINE\nYeah. All right. You made the right\ndecision.\n\nJERRY\nSee, the way I figure it, it's much\neasier to patch things up with\n\nSheila than with the Soup Nazi.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nOh, thanks.\n\nELAINE\nThere he is.\n\nKRAMER\nElaine, I'm really sorry about the armoire.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. I know. Me, too.\n\nJERRY\nSo, did these thieves want any money?\n\nKRAMER\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nThey just wanted the armoire?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. They were..quite taken with it.\n\n(interom buzzes)\n\nJERRY\nYeah?\n\nGEORGE\nHup! Hup!\n\nJERRY\nHey, have you noticed George is acting\na little strange lately?\n\nELAINE\nNo. In what way?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know. A lot of attitude, like\nhe's better than me, or\n\nsomething.\n\nELAINE\nI don't think George has ever thought\nhe's better than anybody.\n\nGEORGE\nHello.\n\nJERRY\nHello.\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nGEORGE\nHello.\n\nELAINE\nHello.\n\nGEORGE\nWere you just talking about me? What's\ngoing on?\n\nJERRY\nAbsolutely not.\n\nGEORGE\nSomething's going on here.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, (claps hands) I'm gonna go\nget some soup.\n\nELAINE\nOne of these days that guy is gonna\nget his.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, how was the movie?\n\nJERRY\nAw, we didn't go. Sheila and I are kind\nof on the outs.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, yeah?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Wha - wha - what are you, happy?\n\nGEORGE\nHappy? Why should I be happy?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, but you look like you're\nhappy.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy should I care?\n\nJERRY\nYou can't fool me. Don't insult me,\nGeorge because I know when\n\nyou're happy.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. I am happy, and I'll tell\nya why -- because the two of\n\nyou were making me and every one of your friends sick! Right,\nElaine?\n\n(Elaine sneaks out of Jerry's apartment)\n\nJERRY\nIs that so?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Yeah. With all that kissing and\nthe shmoopy, shmoopy,\n\nshmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy out in public like that. It's disgusting!\n\nJERRY\nDisgusting?\n\nGEORGE\nPeople who do that should be arrested.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I guess I have all the more reason\nto get back with her.\n\nGEORGE\nYe - yeah. And we had a pact, you know.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nYou shook my hand in that coffee shop.\n\nJERRY\nYou're still with the pact?\n\nGEORGE\nMmm-hmm. You reneged.\n\nJERRY\nAll I did was shake your hand.\n\nGEORGE\nAh-ha!\n\nKRAMER\nAnd then they just ran off with the\narmoire, just like that.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nOhh! This city.\n\nNEWMAN\nOne large jambalaya, please.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nSo, continue.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, my friend is awful disappointed\nis all. You know, she's very\n\nemotional.\n\nNEWMAN\nThank you. (inhaling deeply) Jambalaya!\n\nSOUP NAZI\nAll right, now listen to me. You have\nbeen a good friend. I have\n\nan armoire in my basement. If you want to pick it up, you're\nwelcome\n\nto it. So, take it, it's yours.\n\nKRAMER\nHow can I possibly thank you?\n\nSOUP NAZI\nYou are the only one who understands\nme.\n\nKRAMER\nYou suffer for your soup.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nYes. That is right.\n\nKRAMER\nYou demand perfection from yourself,\nfrom your soup.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nHow can I tolerate any less from my\ncustomer?\n\nCUSTOMER\nUh, gazpacho, por favor.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nPor favor?\n\nCUSTOMER\nUm, I'm part Spanish.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nAdios muchacho!\n\nKRAMER\nGit.\n\nJERRY\nIt was stupid of me.\n\nSHEILA\nWell, it was very insulting.\n\nJERRY\nNo. I know. I - I was really sort of\nhalf-kidding.\n\nSHEILA\nWell, behind every joke there's some\ntruth.\n\nJERRY\nWhat about that Bavarian cream pie joke\nI told you? There's no truth\n\nto that. Nobody with a terminal illness goes from the United\nStates\n\nto Europe for a piece of Bavarian cream pie and then when they\nget\n\nthere and they don't have it he says \" Aw, I'll just have some\n\ncoffee.\" There's no truth to that.\n\nSHEILA\nWell, I guess you're right.\n\nJERRY\nSo, am I forgiven, shmoopy?\n\nSHEILA\nYes, shmoopy.\n\nJERRY\nAw!\n\nSUSAN\nHey, Jerry!\n\nJERRY\nOh, hi Susan, George. You remember Sheila.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, yes. Hello.\n\nSHEILA\nHello. Won't you join us?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, thanks.\n\nSUSAN\nOf course.\n\nGEORGE\nYes. Well -- So, uh, sit on the same\nside at a booth, huh?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. That's right. You got a problem?\n\nGEORGE\nI, uh, just think it's a little unusual.\nTwo people to sit on one\n\nside...and leave the other side empty.\n\nJERRY\nWell, we're changing the rules.\n\nGEORGE\nAhh. Good for you.\n\nSUSAN\nAw, what are you getting George?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know, honey. What do you want\nto get? (in babying voice) I\n\nwant you to get anything you want...'cause I love you so much.\nI\n\nwant you to be happy. Okay, sweetie?\n\nSUSAN\nOh, George, you're so sweet.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I could be a little sweetie tweetie\nweetie weetie.\n\nSUSAN\nAww!\n\nJERRY\nWhat about you, shmoopy? How 'bout a\nlittle tuna? You want a little\n\ntuna fishy?\n\nSHEILA\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nYum yum little tuna fishy?\n\nGEORGE\nCome here.\n\n(George & Susan begin making out; Jerry & Sheila begin making\nout in order\n\nto keep up)\n\nKRAMER\nAnd..voila!\n\nELAINE\n(gasps)\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nOh! Oh, I love it! I absolutely love\nit!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Did the K Man do it or did the\nK Man do it?\n\nELAINE\nThe K Man did it!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah!\n\nELAINE\n(laughing) How much did you pay for\nthis thing?\n\nKRAMER\nHow 'bout zero?\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? Who's was it? Where'd you get\nit?\n\nKRAMER\nI'll tell ya where I got it. I got it\nfrom the guy you so callously\n\nrefer to as the Soup Nazi.\n\nELAINE\nGet out!\n\n(Elaine pushes on Kramer's chest, causing in to fall backwards\nthrough her\n\nswinging door)\n\nELAINE\nThe Soup Nazi gave it to you?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nWhy?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I told him the whole story and\nhe just let me have it. Wha --\n\nYeah. He's a wonderful man.\n\nELAINE\n(gasps)\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Well, a little bit misunderstood\nbut, uh....\n\nELAINE\nWell, I'm just gonna go down there and\npersonally thank him. I\n\nmean, I had this guy all wrong. This is wonderful!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Well, he's a dear.\n\nGEORGE\nHow much tip do you leave on $8.15?\n\nSUSAN\nYou know sweetie, I just want you to\nknow that I was so proud of you\n\ntoday expressing your feelings so freely in front of Jerry and\nall.\n\nJust knowing that you're not afraid of those things is such a\ngreat step\n\nforward in our relationship.\n\nGEORGE\nHuh?\n\nSUSAN\n(in babying voice) Because you love\nyour little kiki don't you?\n\nCUSTOMER\nHow is he today?\n\nBANIA\nI think he's in a good mood.\n\nELAINE\nHi. You know, Kramer gave me the armoire\nand it is so beautiful.\n\nI'm mean, I just can't tell you how much I appreciate it.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nYou? If I knew it was for you, I never\nwould have given it to\n\nhim in the first place! I would have taken a hatchet and smashed\nit\n\nto pieces! Now, who wants soup? Next! Speak up!\n\nJERRY\nI'm heading over to Elaine's.\n\nKRAMER\nOh. Jerry, those are the guys that mugged\nme for the armoire.\n\nJERRY\nThose two?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nAre you sure?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. That's them.\n\nJERRY\nWell, let's confront 'em.\n\nKRAMER\nNo. No. No. No. Let's get a cop.\n\nJERRY\nThere's no cops around. They're gonna\nleave. Come on.\n\nKRAMER\nNo!\n\nJERRY\nLet's go.\n\nBOB\nOh, wow look, that one is gorgeous.\nI would just kill for that one.\n\nRAY\nOh, not in blue. Blue does not go with\nall.\n\nBOB\nOh, please. Do you know what you're\ntalking about? Because I don't\n\nthink you know what you're talking about. Take a look at that.\n\nKRAMER\nExcuse me.\n\nRAY\nAre you talking to me?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, well, uh, we --\n\nRAY\nI said, are you talking to me?\n\nBOB\nWell, maybe, he was talking to me. Was\nyou talking to him? Because you\n\nwas obviously talking to one of us. So what is it? Who?! Who\nwas you\n\ntalking to?!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, wha -- I, uh -- uh, we were kind\nof, uh, talking to each\n\nother, weren't we?\n\n(Jerry & Kramer turn around and run away)\n\nELAINE\nI mean, you know, I've never been so\ninsulted in my entire life.\n\nThere's something really wrong with this man. He is a Soup Nazi.\n\nWhat? What is that?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know. \" 5 cups chopped Porcine\nmushrooms, half a cup of\n\nolive oil, 3 pounds of celery, chopped parsley...\"\n\nELAINE\nLet me see this. (gasps) You know what\nthis is? This is a recipe\n\nfor soup, and look at this. There are like thirty different recipes.\n\nThese are his recipes!\n\nJERY\nSo?\n\nELAINE\nSo? So, his secret's out. Don't you\nsee? I could give these to\n\nevery restaurant in town. I could have 'em published! I could\n- I could\n\ndrop fliers from a plane above the city.\n\nJERRY\nWait a second, Elaine. Where do you\nthink you're going?\n\nELAINE\nWhat do you care?\n\nJERRY\nElaine, I don't want you causing any\ntrouble down at that soup\n\nstand. I happen to love that soup.\n\nELAINE\nGet out of my way, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nElaine, let the man make his soup!\n\nELAINE\nDon't make me hurt you, Jerry.\n\nSUSAN\nLook, they have it in blue...for my\nbaby bluey. Are you my baby\n\nbluey?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, yes. I - I'm your baby bluey.\n\nJERRY\nWell. Well.\n\nSUSAN\nHi, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHey, Susan, George.\n\nSUSAN\nYou know, I really like Sheila a lot.\n\nJERRY\nOh, really?\n\nSUSAN\nMmm-hmm.\n\nJERRY\nBecause we're kind of not seeing each\nother anymore.\n\nSUSAN\nOh, no! That's too bad.\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Well, she was very affectionate\n- which I love. You know I love that\n- but mentally, we couldn't quite make\nthe connection.\n\nGEORGE\nReally?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Too bad, 'cause you gotta have\nthe affection - which you obviously\nhave. I think it's great that you're\nso open with your affections in public.\nSee, we had that.\n\nSUSAN\nMmm-hmm.\n\nGEORGE\nYou did?\n\nJERRY\nOh, yeah. But the mental thing. But\nanyway. I'll see ya.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. See ya.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nGo on! Leave! Get out!\n\nWOMAN\nBut I didn't do anything.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nNext!\n\nELAINE\nHello.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nYou. You think you can get soup? Please.\nYou're wasting everyone's time.\n\nELAINE\nI don't want soup. I can make my own\nsoup. \" 5 cups chopped Porcine\n\nmushrooms, half a cup of olive oil, 3 pounds celery.\"\n\nSOUP NAZI\nThat is my recipe for wild mushroom.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, that's right. I got 'em all. Cold\ncucumber, corn and crab chowder, mulligatawny.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nMulliga...tawny?\n\nELAINE\nYou're through Soup Nazi. Pack it up.\nNo more soup for you. Next!\n\nNEWMAN\n(panting) Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!\n\nJERRY\nWhat is it?\n\nNEWMAN\nSomething's happened with the Soup Nazi!\n\nJERRY\nWha - wha - what's the matter?\n\nNEWMAN\nElaine's down there causing all kinds\nof commotion. Somehow she got a hold\nof his recipes and she says she's gonna\ndrive him out of business! The Soup\nNazi said that now that his recipes\nare out, he's not gonna make anymore\nsoup! He's moving out of the country,\nmoving to Argentina! No more soup, Jerry!\nNo more soup for any of us!\n\nJERRY\nWell, where are you going?\n\nNEWMAN\nHe's giving away what's left! I gotta\ngo home and get a big pot!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Secretary.html",
    "text": "THE SECRETARY\n\nWritten by\n\nCarol Leifer & Marjorie Gross\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nI don't even know what, what is supposed to be attractive about\nfur?\n\nWhy does a man want to see a woman in a fur? Men want women to\nshave their legs, shave their armpits, pluck their eyebrows and then\nbefore we go out, we dress them up like a bear.\n\nTo me the only reason to wear fur, would be if you were trying\nto sneak up on another animal. Did you ever see those tribal hunters where\nthey wear the fur and then they had the other animals, head on top\nof their head? You know I'm sure there's a moose looking at that going,\n\nYeah, that looks real good. Yeah, I'm gonna turn my back on this goof\nball with the extra head. Because there's nothing fishy going on there.\n\nI'll just keep drinking from the stream. I've seen a lot of two-headed\ntigers with knees.\n\nExterior of a Dry Cleaners -- then inside where Jerry and George\nare talking, Jerry is holding a few items, waiting to drop them off\nto be dry cleaned.\n\nGEORGE\nWell I am actually going to have a secretary\nand I get to do the\n\ninterview.\n\nJERRY\nThat's incredible. Six months ago you\nwere taking messages for\n\nyour mother.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, and now someone's going to be\ntaking messages for me.\n\nJERRY\nFrom your mother.\n\n(George & Jerry turn and move closer to the counter as a few\ncustomers\n\nleave the store.)\n\nJERRY\nSo this ah, woman you plan on hiring,\nis she going to be in the\n\nSpokes model category?\n\nGEORGE\nSure. I could go the tomato route. But\neh, I've given this a\n\nlot of thought Jerry. All that frustration. I'll never get any\nwork\n\ndone. So I'm doing a complete 360. I'm going for total efficiency\nand\n\nability.\n\nJERRY\nThat's a 180, George.\n\nGEORGE\nWhatever.\n\n(Jerry turns and walks up to the counter. George wonders about\nthe\n\nlobby area)\n\nJERRY\nHi Willie.\n\nWILLIE\nHey Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nI got this stuff and ah my mother's\nfur coat for storage.\n\nWILLIE\nWhat are you doing with it?\n\nJERRY\nAh, she keeps it in my apartment for\nwhen she comes up from\n\nFlorida.\n\nDONNA\nHi.\n\nJERRY\nHi.\n\nWILLIE\nHey Jerry, you know my wife \"Donna\".\n\nJERRY\nYeah, that's why I said \"hi\".\n\n(Donna smiles and walks away)\n\nWILLIE\nHey, nice jacket. (looking over the\njacket)\n\nJERRY\nThanks. It's Hounds-Tooth.\n\nWILLIE\nWhoa, this is a beauty. Great cut. It's\nprobably very\n\nflattering.\n\nJERRY\nOh yes, it really accentuates my bust\nline.\n\nDaylight exterior shot of Yankee Stadium, then to George Costanza's\n\noffice where he is interviewing an attractive applicant for his\n\nsecretary job.\n\nAPPLICANT\nWell, I type about 90 words a minute.\nI'm completely\n\nwell-versed in all IBM and Macintosh programs.\n\nGEORGE\n(looking over her resume) Well Miss\nCoggins you're ah, obviously\n\nqualified for the job. You've all the necessary skills and experience.\n\nBut you're extremely attractive. you're gorgeous. I'm looking\nat you,\n\nI can't even remember my name. So ah, I'm afraid this is not\ngoing to\n\nwork out (he crumples her resume into a ball) Thanks for coming\nin.\n\n(the camera is now back on the applicant's seat, but another\neven more\n\nattractive woman is seated there)\n\nGEORGE\nYou're luscious. You're ravishing. I\nwould give up red meat\n\njust to get a glimpse of you in a bra. I'm terribly sorry. (both\n\nGeorge and the attractive female applicant stand up as George\nreaches\n\nacross the desk and shakes her hand for coming in)\n\n(A very plain looking applicant now sits across from george)\n\nADE\nAs you can see my references are impeccable.\nI think I'd be a real\n\nasset here. My only concern is, I do take care of my mother.\nSo will\n\nthere be any late nights?\n\nGEORGE\nI can't imagine.\n\nExterior shot of Jerry's apartment, then inside where Elaine\nis holding\n\na garment bag and talking with Jerry.\n\nELAINE\nOk, So Barney's is having this huge\nsale. I try this dress on\n\n-- (holds the garment bag out towards Jerry) -- Stunning. Stunning.\nI\n\ncouldn't take my eyes off myself.\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nOK, so then I put it on at home. It\nlooks like I'm carrying\n\ntwins.\n\nJERRY\nSo you're saying, Store -- Hotsy-Totsy,\nHome-- Hotsy-Notsy.\n\nELAINE\nYeah exactly. Anyway I've got to go\nover there and return it.\n\nJERRY\nI thought we were going to the movies?\n\nELAINE\nAll right I'll try it on again. You\ntell me what you think.\n\n(she turns and goes into the bedroom to change clothes)\n\n(George Enters)\n\nGEORGE\nHey hey.\n\nELAINE\nHey George\n\nGEORGE\nHey Elaine. (George hangs up his raincoat\nnext to the door) I'm\n\ntelling you Jerry, having a secretary is incredible. (George\nclaps\n\nhands) I don't know why I didn't have one before.\n\nJERRY\nBecause you didn't have a job?\n\nGEORGE\nPerhaps. (hehe) I walk in, everything\nis organized -- messages,\n\nappointments. And I can't tell you how proud I am of myself for\ngoing\n\nwith Ade.\n\nJERRY\nA lesser man would have crumbled. They\nwould have gone for the\n\n\"dish\" and the sure fire sexual-harassment suit.\n\n(Elaine walks back into the living room, modeling the dress,\narms\n\nextended straight out from her sides, elbows bent, with the look\non her\n\nface that says, huh ... what do you think? -- She walks towards\nGeorge\n\nand Jerry)\n\nJERRY\nIt's a little ...\n\nELAINE\nAll Right! (throws arms down) You answered\nit right there.\n\nJERRY\nYou got no waist in that thing.\n\nGEORGE\nYou arms look like something hanging\nin a kosher deli.\n\nELAINE\nI said, All Right.\n\nGEORGE\nWell wha'd you buy it for?\n\nELAINE\nWhy did I buy it, because in the mirror,\nat Barney's, I looked\n\nfabulous. This woman was just walking by said I looked like Demi\nMoore\n\nin Indecent Proposal.\n\nJERRY\nHow fast was she walking?\n\n(Elaine heads for the bedroom to change out of the dress, turns\nand\n\nlooks at Jerry)\n\nGEORGE\nDemi? I thought it was Demi?\n\nJERRY\nNo. I think it's Demi.\n\nGEORGE\nReally? I never heard of a semi tractor-trailer.\n(Jerry nods\n\nin agreement)\n\n(Elaine walks back in, still in the dress)\n\nELAINE\nWait a minute (claps hands) Wait a minute.\nI know what's going\n\non here. Skinny Mirrors! (she pushes George and Jerry in their\n\nrespective chests, with her arms extended -- one arm for each\nof them --\n\nthey recoil with surprise)\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nSkinny Mirrors! Barney's has Skinny\nMirrors, they make you\n\nlook, like, 10 pounds lighter.\n\nJERRY\nOh, you're crazy.\n\nELAINE\nAm I? (hands on hips) Do you think I\nwould have bought this\n\ndress if I looked like this at Barney's?\n\nGEORGE\n(to Jerry, as Jerry nods in agreement)\nYou know I think she\n\nmight have something there.\n\n(Kramer enters, seeing Elaine -- his head and upper body lurches\n\nbackwards)\n\nKRAMER\nWhoa. What are you all dressed up for?\n\nELAINE\nOh I'm returning this dress to Barney's.\n\nKRAMER\nGood idea.\n\nJERRY\nDo it tomorrow. Well go to the movies.\n\nELAINE\nYeah yeah, ok.\n\nKRAMER\nHey look, if you're going there, maybe\nyou could pick me up some\n\nof this super hydrating, it's a total-protection moisturizer\nwith Uva.\n\nELAINE\nMoisturizer? That's girls stuff.\n\nKRAMER\nNo no, look. I'll tell you what -- they're\nhaving a sale right.\n\nELAINE\nyeah.\n\nKRAMER\nI'll meetcha down there, well have lunch.\n\nELAINE\nWell we could ...\n\nKRAMER\nWell, we'll get to know each other.\nWe never get to spend any\n\ntime together. Oh sure we have our little group here, but ...\n(he looks\n\nand gestures out towards George and Jerry, as Elaine walks back\ninto\n\nthe bedroom to change out of the dress -- Kramer scratches his\nhead in\n\nsort of disbelief)\n\nDaylight exterior shot of Yankee Stadium, then to George Costanza's\n\noffice, he stands in front of a wall calendar, as Ade, his new\nsecretary\n\ntakes down notes as to what George is saying.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd then assuming the strike is resolved,\non April 14th, we, ah,\n\nplay the Angels. So let's clear a floor at the Anaheim Hotel.\n\nADE\nAnaheim Hotel. (George picks up a container\nof chinese food from\n\nthe credenza) You may want to reconsider. I believe they only\nhave\n\nroom service until 10 P.M. and then it's only finger foods.\n\nGEORGE\nAde, you're a wonder. (he he -- george\nlaughs)\n\nADE\nOK, now I projected some of those figures\nfor you regarding the\n\nswitch to Canola oil for the stadium popcorn and surprisingly\nit will\n\nonly come to 1/2 a cent more per bag, so it is definitely doable.\n\nGEORGE\nAde, I have to tell you, I, I have never\nmet anybody so ...\n\nefficient.\n\nADE\nWell thank you, I'm flattered.\n\nGEORGE\nI mean you're just, you're just a marvel\nof organization.\n\nADE\nWell I'm just, hm, doing my job.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's like I'm thinking of something,\nand you're (snaps fingers)\n\none step ahead of me.\n\nADE\nWhat can I say? I'm ... I'm good at\nwhat I do. (smiling and\n\nquietly laughing proudly)\n\nGEORGE\n(coyly, he looks down and runs his finger\nalong the top of the\n\nchair back in front of him) Do you, uh ... do you know what I'm\n...\n\nthinking about now?\n\nADE\n(thinking about the question, she stops\nwriting) Yes, I think I\n\ndo. (she turns her head slowly and looks directly at him)\n\nGEORGE\nIs it, uh, doable?\n\nADE\nIt's definitely doable.\n\n(Ade throws her note pad and pencil in to the air, along with\nher\n\nglasses. George grabs his glasses and takes them from his face\nand\n\nthrows them on the couch as he and Ade embrace in a frantic kiss\nand\n\nslither down to the floor between the desk and the couch -- the\ncamera\n\ncannot see them on the floor)\n\nOutside a movie theater (The Paragon) Jerry and Elaine have exited\nthe\n\ntheater and are walking slowly and then stop to talk, as other\nmovie\n\ngoers leave the theater behind them - in the background, there\nis a line\n\nof people waiting to buy tickets for the next show.\n\nJERRY\nWell, that was the worst.\n\nELAINE\nI can't believe they made the Wife the\nkiller. (putting on\n\ngloves) Gimme a break.\n\nMAN\n(waiting in line for tickets, he overhears\nElaine) Hey, give us a\n\nbreak. We haven't seen it yet. Thanks a lot big mouth!\n\nANOTHER MAN\n(waiting in line, closer to the box\noffice) Yeah! (in\n\nagreement with the other guy)\n\n(Kramer rushes up to Elaine and Jerry)\n\nKRAMER\nYou got a pen?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I think I do.\n\nKRAMER\nAnd I need something to write on.\n\nJERRY\nWell, all I got is my dry-cleaning stub.\n\nKRAMER\nI gust met Uma Therman. She's giving\nme her telephone number.\n\nUma Jerry, Uma.\n\nJERRY\nUma Therman? Really?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nHow'd you manage that.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah well I don't have any time to talk\nnow. (he rushes back\n\ninto the theater)\n\nJERRY\nHe's got the Kavorca. (looking towards\nthe theater door, Jerry\n\nnotices one of the movie goers) Hey, isn't that Willie, my dry-cleaner?\n\nELAINE\nWhere?\n\nJERRY\nHe just went in. You know, I think he\nwas wearing my\n\nHounds-Tooth jacket.\n\nELAINE\nWhat would he be doing wearing your\njacket?\n\nJERRY\nIt looked just like the jacket I brought\nin to be dry-cleaned.\n\nHe complimented me on it.\n\nELAINE\nAre you sure?\n\n(Kramer walks up, smiling gleefully)\n\nKRAMER\nI got it. Uma, Uma, Uma. (looking at\nthe ticket)\n\nELAINE\nYou are amazing.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, all right. Taxi's on me. (he walks\noff camera)\n\nExterior shot of Yankee Stadium at dusk and then to George Costanza's\n\noffice. (moaning) George and Ade are struggling to kneel and\nundress\n\nwhile kissing.\n\nADE\nAh no no no no no. A better way to reach\nthe bra would be to undo\n\nthe jacket, then go around the back of the shirt.\n\nGEORGE\nAde you are incredible\n\n(as he unbuttons her jacket, they fall to the floor again --\nthe camera\n\ncannot see them between the desk and the couch -- we see over\nGeorge's\n\ndesk, keyboard, manila folders and then we see Ade's shoe in\nthe air\n\nabove the desk)\n\nADE\nOh ...oh ...oh ... Here, I want to show\nyou something. Hand me\n\nthat pillow.\n\n(we see George's head and arm above the desk ridge, he grabs\na pillow\n\nfrom the couch and hands it to Ade. Her arm pulls him back down\nto her\n\non the ground)\n\nGEORGE\nWhat? Oh, My God!\n\nADE\nMr. CO STAN ZA!\n\nGEORGE\nAde, ahh, ahh, ah ... I'm giving you\na raise!\n\nExterior shot of the restaurant (Monks) then inside. George and\nJerry\n\nare sitting in the normal booth.\n\nJERRY\nSo you're having sex and then all of\na sudden, you just blurt out\n\n\"I'm giving you a raise.\"\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nJust a quick sidebar here -- are you\nin anyway authorized to give\n\nraises?\n\nGEORGE\nNot that I'm aware of, no.\n\nJERRY\nSo you're so grateful to have sex, that\nyou'll just shout out\n\nanything that comes into your head.\n\nGEORGE\nI didn't think ahead.\n\nJERRY\nWell maybe she'll just think it was\nbawdy talk.\n\nGEORGE\nI didn't say any other bawdy things.\n\nJERRY\nMaybe you could have sex with her again\nand then take it back.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, you know you're not any help\nat all here. I don't\n\nknow what even the point is of talking to you anymore.\n\n(they stand up from their seats at the booth)\n\nJERRY\nAll right, all right. I'm sorry.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, well, I guess the only thing I\ncan do is go into George\n\nSteinbrenner's office and tell him he has to give her a raise.\n\nJERRY\nHow long has she been there?\n\nGEORGE\n3 days.\n\nJERRY\nIt's almost a week.\n\n(Jerry picks up several items of clothing from the booth, in\ntheir\n\ndry-cleaning bags -- He is wearing his Hounds-Tooth jacket. George\nand\n\nJerry walk over to the cash register to pay for lunch. At the\nregister,\n\nJerry reaches into his Hounds-Tooth jacket pocket, he pulls out\na movie\n\nstub)\n\nJERRY\nOh, My god.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nIt's a movie stub from the 9:30 show.\nGeorge, I think Willie the\n\ndry-cleaner has been wearing my clothes.\n\nCommercial\n\nExterior shot of Barney's department store, street scene with\nstore\n\nwindows. Then inside to Elaine, Kramer and the Barney's sales\n\nassociate -- they stand in the women's clothing dept. (Zelda\nis the name\n\nof the clothing line on the wall), outside of the dressing room\narea.\n\nElaine is wearing the dress she plans on returning.\n\nELAINE\nThese mirrors are skinny mirrors. This\nis false ...\n\nreflecting. And I think, that the department of ... you know,\nwhatever,\n\nwould be very interested to know what's going on here.\n\nsomething else.\n\nELAINE\nOK fine. (smiling) I did like that little\nCalvin Klein number\n\nright by the elevator. You know the little ... (motions in the\n\ndirection of the elevator)\n\nELAINE\nOk thanks so much. (the Barney's sales\nassociate turns and walks\n\naway. Elaine turns to Kramer as he admires himself in the mirror)\nWhat\n\nare you all dressed up for?\n\nKRAMER\nWell Elaine, when you're shopping on\nMadison Avenue, you don't\n\nwant to skip on the, swank.\n\nELAINE\nI like your little bag.\n\nKRAMER\nHuh, oh hey, look at this. (he pulls\na little tube out of the\n\nbag) It's the super hydrating, triple-action moisturizer, hmm.\n\nELAINE\nHuh.\n\n(Kramer opens the moisturizer and squeezes some onto his palm)\n\nKRAMER\nWait till that Uma smells this Uva.\n\n(Elaine walks away into the dressing from area. Kenny Bania enters\nthe\n\nclothing dept.)\n\nBANIA\nHey Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nHey Bania, what's happening? (Kramer,\nlooking into the mirror,\n\nis putting moisturizer under his eyes)\n\nBANIA\nI'm looking for a new suit. I can't\nfind anything I like.\n\nThat's a nice suit. (admiring Kramer's suit)\n\nKRAMER\nWell, thank you.\n\nBANIA\nDid you get that here?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, this is vintage. They don't make\nthis stuff anymore.\n\nBANIA\nYou're telling me.\n\nKRAMER\nI sure am.\n\nBANIA\nIt's hard for me to find pants that\n--\n\nKRAMER\n(interrupting Bania) That don't make\nyou look high-waisted.\n\nBANIA\nYes\n\nKRAMER\nMe too.\n\nBANIA\nWhat size are you?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, 42.\n\nBANIA\n42, That's what I am now. I've been\nworking out, I'm huge.\n\nHow'd you like to sell it?\n\nKRAMER\nmake me an offer.\n\nBANIA\n100 Bucks\n\nKRAMER\nSurely you jest. (walks away from Bania)\n\nBANIA\n175\n\nKRAMER\nLook at the stitching (takes the jacket\noff to show Bania) This\n\nis old world craftsmanship.\n\nBANIA\n300 dollars.\n\nKRAMER\nSold. Follow me into the dressing room.\n\nBANIA\nYou throw the shirt in?\n\nKRAMER\nBania, you're killing me.\n\nBANIA\nHey that's the women's dressing room.\n\nKRAMER\nThere's nothing in there that I haven't\nseen before.\n\nDaylight exterior shot of Yankee Stadium (Louisville Slugger)\nthen to\n\nGeorge Steinbrenner's office. The camera is behind Steinbrenner,\n\nlooking towards the door.\n\nGEORGE\n(Opens the door, looks in and then knocks\n5 times) Mr.\n\nSteinbrenner, (waves) can I talk to you for a second?\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nYes yes George. Can you talk to me for\na second? Of\n\ncourse you can -- I'm a very accessible man. I just wanted to\nsay\n\nyou're doing great work on that Canola oil stuff.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, you know, to be honest sir --\nmy, my new secretary Ade,\n\ncame up with that one.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nAde, Ade, I like that name George.\n\nGEORGE\nShe supports her whole family. (walking\nslowly into the room)\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nIs that a fact George?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, In fact, her mother is in the hospital\nright now. It's\n\nsome kind of a Diverticulitis. (he continues walking slowly towards\n\nSteinbrenner's desk)\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nI had a bout of that myself one time\n-- knocked me right\n\non my ass.\n\nGEORGE\nShe can't even afford to go out to lunch.\nShe's been eating in\n\na high school cafeterias She pretends to be a teacher. It's pathetic.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nWhat's that cost her, like, two and\na quarter? ($2.25)\n\nGEORGE\nYou know what I was just thinking --\nshe could really use a\n\nraise.\n\n(Telephone rings -- Steinbrenner reaches for the receiver)\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nYou know, she'd be better off making\na sandwich at home\n\nand bringing it in. (picks up the telephone hand set) Hello,\nah, George\n\nwill you excuse me.\n\nDaylight exterior shot of Barney's department store windows,\nwith\n\ntraffic driving by -- then to Elaine in the dressing room --\nshe is\n\nalmost done dressing in the Calvin Klein dress.\n\nKramer climbs up the wall of his dressing room adjacent to Elaine's\n--\n\nwe see his head, top of his bare chest, arm and both hands over\nthe top\n\nof Elaine's' dressing room wall -- he is looking down at her.\n\nKRAMER\nPsst. Hey.\n\n(Elaine is startled and tries to cover her top, which is mostly\ncovered\n\nfrom the dress she is putting on)\n\nELAINE\nKramer, what are you doing here?\n\nKRAMER\nListen, I need you to get me some clothes.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I just sold my suit to Bania for\na cool three-hundred.\n\nELAINE\nSo go buy a new one.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat, at this place? It would destroy\nmy whole profit margin.\n\nELAINE\nSo.\n\nKRAMER\nListen do me a favor -- just call Jerry,\ntell him to bring me\n\nsome clothes.\n\nELAINE\nOuhhh (Kramer disappears back behind\nhis wall as Elaine opens\n\nthe dressing room door)\n\nExterior shot of the Dry Cleaners store front, then to the interior\n--\n\nJerry enters as a female customer is leaving the counter with\nher\n\ndry-cleaning .\n\nJERRY\nHello, Willie.\n\nWILLIE\nHey, Jerry. You dropping off?\n\nJERRY\nNo, but ah, seen any good movies lately?\n\nWILLIE\nYou came by to ask that?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Specifically 9:30 shows. Seen\nany good 9:30 shows at the\n\nParagon, Willie?\n\nWILLIE\nWhat are you gettin at?\n\nJERRY\nI saw you the other night stepping out\nwith my Hounds-Tooth\n\njacket.\n\nWILLIE\nJerry that's a breach of the dry-cleaner's\ncode.\n\nJERRY\nYou need a code to tell you not to wear\npeoples' clothes\n\nWILLIE\nI wasn't wearing your jacket. Jerry\nyou're imagining things.\n\n(he makes the circular motion next to his ears - the international\n\nsymbol for \"insane\")\n\nJERRY\nYeahhh, am I imagining this? (he whips\nout the movie stub and\n\nholds it up to Willie) Found this little cutie in the pocket.\n(throws\n\nthe stub on the counter)\n\nWILLIE\nJerry.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, Yeah. Well, now that we understand\neach other -- I'll be\n\ntaking my business elsewhere. And I want my mother's fur coat\nback too.\n\nWILLIE\nJerry, come on.\n\nJERRY\nNow.\n\nWILLIE\nNow? (Willie looks off with his eyes\nto his left -- he is\n\nthinking about his wife Donna)\n\n(Shot of Donna wearing the fur coat, standing at a hot dog stand,\neating\n\na hot dog)\n\nJERRY\nYeah. I want that coat. (Jerry opens\nhis wallet, looking for\n\nthe dry-cleaning ticket)\n\nWILLIE\nWell ... ahh. (apprehensively)\n\nJERRY\nWhere's that ticket? Oh, Kramer.\n\nWILLIE\nWait, you, you mean to tell me you don't\nhave a ticket for the\n\ncoat?\n\nJERRY\nNo, not on me.\n\nWILLIE\nWell, I, I need to see that ticket.\n\nJERRY\nWhy? I've got my cleaning before without\na ticket.\n\nWILLIE\nYeah, but this is different. Those fur\nstorage warehouses are\n\nhuge. You can't, get anything without a number.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, I'll be back.\n\nElaine inside Barney's, she stands in front of a full length\nmirror.\n\nThe sales associate behind her, giving advice on the dress.\n\nELAINE\nYeah it looks good here, but what does\nthat mean?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know, I have to think about\nit. (the sales associate\n\nwalks away) I need a nonpartisan mirror.\n\n(Elaine looks around, like she is trying not to be noticed and\nwalks out\n\nof the clothing dept.)\n\nDaytime exterior of Yankee Stadium, then inside to George Costanza's\n\noffice.\n\nADE\nI can't thank you enough, Mr. Costanza.\nI'm so grateful\n\nGEORGE\nYes, well, I sat down with Mr. Steinbrenner.\nI told him you\n\nhave been doing great work. I said that you deserved a raise,\nand if\n\nyou didn't get it, that I, was leaving. (motions with both arms\nin a\n\ncircular motion to his right)\n\nADE\nIt was just so generous.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, well, don't worry about it -- he's\ngot plenty of money.\n\n(spins his chair away from her)\n\nADE\nOh I know, but Twenty Five Thousand.\n\nGEORGE\n(spins his chair back to face her) So\nyou got a $25,000 a year\n\nraise.\n\nADE\nYes, I tell you, Mr. Steinbrenner...\n\nGEORGE\nYou're making more than I am.\n\nADE\nI am?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you doing? You're making more\nthan I am. A secretary\n\ncannot make more than her boss.\n\nADE\nWell apparently they can.\n\nElaine, in the Calvin Klein dress, is walking outside along the\n\nsidewalk, snow along the curb and store fronts -- It's obvious\nshe is\n\ncold without a coat. She checks out her reflection in a florist's\n\nwindow, then stops at the Love, Health & Beauty Aids store, where\nthe\n\nreflection is more like a mirror in the alcove of the store.\n\nELAINE\nOh, this is insanity. I'm not this hippie.\n(meaning her hips\n\nare not that large)\n\n(a man exits the store)\n\nELAINE\nHey, what do you think of this?\n\nMAN\n(with disbelief): You'll never pull\nit off.\n\nBarney's Department store, inside the dressing room area, a customer\n\nknocks on the door where Kramer is waiting for Jerry.\n\nFEMALE CUSTOMER\nHey, what's going on in there?\n\n(Jerry enters the women's clothing dept.)\n\nJERRY\n(to the Barney's sales associate) Excuse\nme, could you tell me\n\nwhere I could find, like, women's moisturizer lotions?\n\n(Female customer walks up to the Barney's sales associate that\nJerry was\n\njust talking to)\n\nFEMALE CUSTOMER\nThis woman has been in there for over\nan hour.\n\n(The Barney's sales associate walks into the dressing room area\nand up\n\nto the dressing room door where Kramer is waiting for Jerry)\n\nKRAMER\n(Yeah) (through the door)\n\n(Jerry hears Kramer and walks into the dressing room door)\n\nJERRY\nKramer?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, Jerry, you got my clothes?\n\nJERRY\nWhat clothes?\n\nKRAMER\nDidn't Elaine call you?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nKRAMER\nWell what are you doing here?\n\nJERRY\nWhat am I doing here? You're in the\nwomen's dressing room. I\n\nneed that ticket stub back so I can get my mother's fur coat\nout.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, the stub, yeah. I left it in my,\nmy pants\n\nJERRY\nWhere are your pants?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I sold them to Bania.\n\nJERRY\nWhat? You sold your pants to Bania.\nLet me in.\n\n(Kramer opens the door, Jerry goes in the dressing room. Kramer\nis\n\nstanding there in his white boxer shorts and no shirt)\n\nJERRY\nWhy'd you sell your pants to Bania?\n\nKRAMER\nouhhh -- I had Uma Therman's number\nwritten on that stub. I\n\nlost Uma's number.\n\nJERRY\nWhere are your clothes?\n\nKRAMER\nI told you I sold them to Bania.\n\nJERRY\nYou mean what you were wearing?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nHow'd you expect to get out of here?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I didn't think ahead.\n\n(Elaine reenters the Barney's clothing dept., rubbing her arms\nbecause\n\nhe is cold. The sales associate is also coming back from the\ndressing\n\nrooms. Elaine sees her, and quickly stands next to the register\ncounter\n\nand tries to act like she has been there for a while.)\n\nELAINE\nThis isn't going to work for me ...\nso if you could show me\n\nsomething else.\n\nELAINE\nNo?\n\nELAINE\nI am?\n\nELAINE\nHa! That's preposterous.\n\nsnow in the store.\n\n(Elaine looks down and gathers the dress at the salt stain)\n\nELAINE\nNo. You can wrap it. (Dejected. Elaine\nputs her head down and\n\nher hand to her forehead as she walks into the dressing room\narea)\n\nKramer, are you still in there?\n\nJERRY\n(Elaine)\n\nELAINE\nJerry?\n\n(Bania enters the dressing room area)\n\nBANIA\nElaine, where's Kramer?\n\nKRAMER\nBania?\n\nBANIA\nKramer.\n\nJERRY\nI'm going out. (he comes out of the\ndressing room, while Kramer\n\nremains inside)\n\nBANIA\nJerry.\n\nJERRY\nBania.\n\nBANIA\nKramer, I want my money back for this\nsuit. You're nancy-boy\n\ncream leaked all over the pockets -- Suits ruined.\n\nKRAMER\nWell you're not getting any money back.\n(Kramer opens the\n\ndoor) Jerry, come back in here.\n\nJERRY\n(to Bania) Excuse me. (he goes back\nin the dressing room)\n\nKRAMER\nUma's number is on that ticket.\n\nJERRY\nNever mind Uma, I need that ticket to\nget my mother's fur coat\n\nback. Why don't you just give him the money for the suit?\n\nKRAMER\nI'm not going to give him $300 now for\na suit with moisturizer\n\ncream all over it.\n\nJERRY\nI got an idea.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nI can't believe I'm gonna do this. (Jerry\nopens the door and\n\nexits the dressing room. He walks over to Bania)\n\nJERRY\nBania can I talk to you for a second?\nHow's everything going?\n\nBANIA\nPretty good.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, well, see the thing of it is,\nI'm in a bit of an awkward\n\nposition here. Because, uhh, I don't want to get in between you\ntwo\n\nguys but ... I need a dry-cleaning ticket that's in the pocket\nof those\n\npants.\n\nBANIA\nWell all you gotta do is tell Kramer\nto give me my money back,\n\nand you'll get your ticket.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, yeah all right, well uh ... tell\nyou what I will do Bania\n\n-- you give me the ticket, and uh, I will take you out for a\nnice\n\ndinner.\n\nBANIA\nCan we go back to Mendy's?\n\nJERRY\nYou want to go to Mendy's, I'll take\nyou to Mendy's.\n\nBANIA\nTwice? I wanna go twice.\n\nJERRY\nall right let's be reasonable, Bania.\nI'm taking you out for a\n\nnice dinner. All I want is a little ticket in that pocket. I\nthink\n\nit's a pretty good deal.\n\nBANIA\nTwo Mendy's.\n\nJERRY\n... All right (gritting teeth) Just\ngive me the ticket.\n\nBANIA\nHere you go.\n\nJERRY\nOhh ... (takes the ticket and heads\nfor the dressing room)\n\nExterior of yankee Stadium (Louisville Slugger) then to George\n\nSteinbrenner's office. George Costanza stands pleading his case.\n\nGEORGE\nBut Mr. Steinbrenner, how can I be expected\nto perform my job\n\nproperly, knowing that my uh, subordinate is making more money\nthan I\n\nam? With all due respect sir, it's outta whack.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nUh huh, I understand what you're saying\nGeorge and I know\n\nwhat it's like to be financially strapped. When I was a young\nman in\n\nCleveland I use to hitchhike to work. One time I got picked up\nby a\n\nbakery truck. You think that stuff smells good? Try being cooped\nup in\n\nthe back of one of those babies.\n\n(George starts to back away from the desk)\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nI couldn't look at a donut for the next\ntwo years. Well\n\nnot that I was ever one for the sweets.\n\n(George turning around, nodding and making hand gestures, walking\nslowly\n\ntowards the door, his hand gestures get progressively wider eventually\n\nto full arms extended upwards)\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nSure I like a cup cake every now and\nthen, like everybody\n\nelse. You know I like it when they have a little cream on the\ninside,\n\nit's a surprise. That's good, plus the chocolate ones are good\ntoo.\n\nSometimes I just can't even make up my mind. A lot of times I'll\nmix\n\nthe two together, make a vanilla fudge.\n\nJerry stands outside the Barney's dressing room door that Kramer\nis\n\nwaiting in. Jerry quickly knocks on the door.\n\nJERRY\nLet me in, it's me. (Kramer opens the\ndoor, Jerry goes in the\n\ndressing room) Here. You don't know what this is costing me.\n(hands\n\nKramer the ticket)\n\nKRAMER\n(closes the door) All right, nice work.\n(he looks at the ticket,\n\nflips it over, and then over again) Where's Uma's number? The\n\nmoisturizer smudged out the phone number.\n\nJERRY\n(Takes the ticket back and looks at\nit, flips it over) The\n\ndry-cleaning numbers are gone too.\n\nKRAMER\n(grabs the ticket back and holds it\nup to the light) It must\n\nhave been the botanical extracts.\n\nJERRY\n(grabs the ticket back) Give me that.\n\n(Jerry Opens the door and walks into the clothing dept., while\nBania is\n\nwalking towards the exit of the clothing dept.)\n\nJERRY\nHey Bania, the dinners off. The ticket's\nno good. The numbers\n\nare all smudged out. (holds out the ticket and hands it to Bania)\n\nBANIA\n(looking at the ticket then quickly\nlooks up at Jerry) You trying\n\nto get out of Mendy's? you can't do that.\n\nJERRY\nThe ticket is worthless.\n\nBANIA\nYou promised me.\n\n(Jerry makes a smudged up face -- he knows he cannot get out\nof the\n\ndeal. Bania turns and walks quickly out of the clothing department.\n\nJerry sees a woman from the back walking into the dressing room\narea.\n\nShe has a fur coat on and is carrying a few items over her arm\nto try\n\non)\n\nJERRY\nHey, Isn't that my mother's fur coat?\n\n(Elaine stands at the register counter, now she wears her own\nclothes.\n\nThe Calvin Klein dress rests across the counter -- she watches\nas Jerry\n\nfollows the woman into the dressing room area. Jerry stands in\nfront of\n\nthe door where she went into, listens for a half second and then\npushes\n\nthe door open, as she has not had an opportunity to latch it\nyet -- It\n\nis Donna, the dry-cleaners wife -- she is stunned, startled and\ntaken\n\naback ...)\n\nDONNA\nNo it's not. (the coat)\n\nJERRY\nIt is! (Jerry walks forcefully into\nthe dressing room and closes\n\nthe door) Give me that back.\n\nDONNA\nNo, what are you talking about.\n\n(The camera pans down to the bottom of the dressing room door,\nso all\n\nyou see is Jerry and Donna's scuffling feet and lower legs, as\nJerry\n\ntakes the coat from her.)\n\nDONNA\nAre you out of your mind? Don't you\n... take your hands ...\n\nJERRY\nYou can't have that coat, it's not yours.\n\n(Donna opens the door -- the camera pans back up to eye level\nas she\n\nwalks out, kind of indignant. She places her long purse strap\nover her\n\nLeft shoulder)\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you think the dry-cleaner's\nis your own personal closet!\n\n(Donna walks over to where Elaine is still standing at the register\n\ncounter)\n\nCONTINUITY ERROR -- AS SHE WALKS UP TO ELAINE, DONNA IS NOW\nHOLDING\n\nher long purse strap in her right hand only, then switches it\nto her\n\nleft hand and puts the strap over her left shoulder. The purse\nhangs\n\nbelow her left hip. She just had placed the long purse strap\nover her\n\nSHOULDER AS SHE LEFT THE DRESSING ROOM AREA WALKING AWAY FROM\nJERRY.\n\nELAINE\nDonna, do you think you can get the\nsalt stain out of this?\n\n(Holding the bottom of the Calvin Klein dress out)\n\nDONNA\nLet me see. (Looking at the stain) Piece\nof cake. Bring it\n\nin. (Holding the dress up by the hanger) What size is it?\n\nELAINE\n(Tilts her head down, looking over her\nglasses in amazement of\n\nDonna's question)\n\nThe camera fades from the previous scene to the winter sidewalk\noutside.\n\nL-R Kramer, Elaine and Jerry walk silently in the cold. Above\ntheir\n\nheads in the background is a sign that reads \"KalSigns\" -- I\nbelieve\n\nthis is an homage to Jerry's (real life) father that owned a\nsign\n\ncompany.\n\nKramer is wearing Jerry's mother's fur coat. It is obviously\ntoo small\n\nfor his large frame -- the arms are way too short. The coat comes\ndown\n\nto his mid thigh. He has no pants on. He wears shoes and white\nsocks.\n\nHe looks ridiculous, uncomfortable and cold.\n\nElaine is wearing a long winter overcoat, carrying her Calvin\nKlein\n\ndress in a garment bag over her left arm. Jerry has both hands\nin the\n\npockets of his winter jacket he is wearing a scarf that he had\non\n\nearlier in the store.\n\nKramer looks around as he walks along. He tries to button or\nclose up\n\nthe coat to the best of his ability, but nothing changes. As\nthe scene\n\nends, the fur coat opens slightly at the bottom and you can see\nhis\n\nwhite boxer shorts (actually they look like jockey shorts, but\nearlier\n\nhe had on boxers in the dressing room)\n\nThe camera fades from the previous scene to an exterior shot\nof Mendy's\n\nRestaurant at dusk, then inside to Bania and Jerry dining at\na table.\n\nBANIA\nMmm. This soup is great.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, it's very good. (reluctantly)\n\nBANIA\nI told you Mendy's had the best pea\nsoup. The best Jerry, the\n\nbest. Are you enjoying it?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. I'm having a wonderful time. (it's\nobvious he isn't)\n\nBANIA\nWait till you try the swordfish. You\nknow Jerry, I was\n\nthinking. For our next meal, do you think we should come here\n... or\n\nshould we go someplace else? You know it has it's pros and cons.\nOn the\n\none hand, here, you're guaranteed a great meal. On the other\nhand --\n\nJERRY\n(Interrupting Bania) Yeah, yeah I know.\nThis would be good, but\n\nit would be the same. But if we go some place else, it would\nbe\n\ndifferent, but it might not be as good. It's a gamble. I get\nit.\n\nBANIA\nYeah. Well, let's hurry up and eat I\ngotta get out of here. I'm\n\nmeeting a woman for a drink.\n\nJERRY\nOh, and who might that be?\n\nBANIA\nSome woman named Uma. I got her number\noff of that ticket before\n\nit was smudged. Hope she's good-looking. (crosses his fingers\nin the\n\nair)\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nIf you are a waitress and you ever see\nme in a restaurant, I'm\ntelling you right now, I don't want to hear about the specials.\nI don't\nwant to know about the specials. I'm sick of the specials. I\nhate the\nspecials. My feeling is, if the specials were so special, they'd\nbe on\nthe menu. You know what's special about them? They don't know\nif\nanybody likes them. They always have these overly creative descriptions\nof the specials too, you know. The veil is lightly slapped, and\nthen sequestered in a one-bedroom suite with a white wine intravenous.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Switch.html",
    "text": "THE SWITCH\n\nWritten by\n\nBruce Kirschbaum & Sam Kass\n\n(Pro shop at Manhattan Plaza Racquet Club)\n\nJERRY\nCome on. Lets go\n\nELAINE\nNo wait, I gotta go in here and pick\nup Mr. Pitt's tennis recquet.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's it doin here?\n\nELAINE\nHe wanted to have it restrung. (to clerk)\nHere I need to pick that up\n\nLANDIS\nHello\n\nELAINE\nOh, Hi.\n\nLANDIS\nJocylin Landis from Doubleday. I interviewed\nyou for a position\n\na couple of months ago.\n\nELAINE\nYes, yes, the one I didn't get. (they\ngiggle)\n\nLANDIS\nI was watching you play\n\nELAINE\nOh, I'm not very good.\n\nLANDIS\nNo. You exhibited a lot of grace out\nthere.\n\nELAINE\nReally? Grace?\n\nLANDIS\nYes. So have you found anything yet?\n\nELAINE\nUh, no. Not really.\n\nLANDIS\nYou know you should keep in touch. Something\nmay be opening\n\nup in a few weeks. Is that a Bruline?\n\nJERRY\nOh, Bruline. Newman's got the same one.\n\nELAINE\nNewman plays tennis?\n\nJERRY\nHe's fantastic.\n\nLANDIS\nWould you mind if I tried this out?\n\nELAINE\nUh, no ... take it.\n\nLANDIS\nHow will you get it back?\n\nELAINE\nUm, I could come by your office and\npick it up tomorrow.\n\nLANDIS\nThat's so generous of you.\n\nELAINE\nThanks\n\nJERRY\nYou loaned her Pitt's racquet?\n\nE What could I do? She said there might be something for me at\nDoubleday.\n\nOh wouldn't that be great I wouldn't have to work for Mr. Pitt\nanymore.\n\nSANDY\nI gotta get going.\n\nJERRY\nOh, OK. Next time lets play ping pong.\nIt's easier to jump over the net.\n\nSANDY\n(nods silently)\n\nELAINE\nBye\n\nJERRY\nBye bye\n\nELAINE\nHave you noticed she never laughs\n\nJERRY\nHm, really?\n\nELAINE\nYeah\n\nKramer and George on street\n\nGEORGE\nCheck that out (showing newspaper)\n\nKRAMER\nWhoa, you're dating this woman?\n\nGEORGE\nThat's right.\n\nKRAMER\nGeorge, you're becoming one of the gliterratti\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's that.\n\nKRAMER\nYa' know, people who glitter. She's\na slim gal.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd the amazing thing is she eats like\nthere's no tomorra'.\n\nI mean I've never seen an appetite like this. Desserts. Everything.\n\nI don't know how she does it.\n\nKRAMER\nMaybe she's bulimic\n\nGEORGE\nWa?\n\nKRAMER\nBulimic,\n\nGEORGE\nKramer, she's a model.\n\nKRAMER\nExactly\n\nGEORGE\nI have noticed she does tend to go to\nthe bathroom right after\n\nwe finish eating.\n\nKRAMER\nThere you go monkey boy.\n\nPepperdella's Restaurant\n\nNINA\nMmm, Mmmm oh, so good, mmm, mmm. Aren't\nyou hungry?\n\nGEORGE\nJust enjoying watching you.\n\nOther restaurant\n\nSANDY\nSo did you like the movie?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, it was OK. Frankenstein didn't\nseem quite right to me.\n\nI missed the sport jacket.\n\nSANDY\n(nods silently)\n\nJERRY\nNot that it was that nice of a jacket.\nI mean it didn't fit him\n\nthat well. To me there's just something about a monster in a\nblazer.\n\nIt shows at least he's making an effort.\n\nSANDY\n(nods silently) That's funny.\n\nJERRY\nI'm glad you enjoyed it.\n\nPepperdella's Restaurant\n\nNINA\nOh, I'm so full.\n\nGEORGE\nYes, full. I love to be full ... love\nto sit back, loosen the\n\nold belt and digest away for hours. Let those enzymes do their\nwork.\n\nNINA\nWill you excuse me.\n\nGEORGE\nWhere you going?\n\nNINA\nI just need to freshen up.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're fresh (grabs her arm) You're\nvery fresh. You seem\n\nvery fresh to me. You're very vital. I couldn't take you any\nfresher.\n\nNINA\nGeorge I need to freshen., George, George,\nGeorge ...\n\nJerry's Apartment\n\nJERRY\nIt was unbelievable. You're right the\njokes kept bouncing off her\n\nlike superman.\n\nELAINE\nSee, what did I tell ya?\n\nJERRY\nAnd even when she did like something,\nshe doesn't laugh. She\n\nsays, \"That's funny.\" ... That's funny!\n\nELAINE\nOo, I better call that woman at Doubleday\nand see when I can\n\npick up Mr. Pitt's racquet.\n\nJERRY\nI mean how can I be with someone that\ndoesn't laugh. It's like ...\n\nwell it's like something!\n\nELAINE\n(on phone)Hello, yeah, hi. Uh, is Miss.\nLandis there please.\n\nWa? Oh, Gosh, ah ok, she'll be in later? OK, thank you. Uh. (to\nJerry)\n\nThis guy said she hurt her arm playing tennis. ... Pretty bad.\n\nGeorge enters\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I heard a noise.\n\nJERRY\nWhat noise?\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, .. blah ...\n\nJERRY\nWhat blah?\n\nGEORGE\nFrom the bathroom.\n\nJERRY\nOh, you think she was refunding?\n\nGEORGE\nEvery time we go out to eat the minute\nwe we're done eating\n\nshe's runnin to the bathroom.\n\nELAINE\nSo you're concerned.\n\nGEORGE\nElaine, of course I'm concerned. I'm\npayin' for those meals.\n\nIt's like throwing money down the toilet.\n\nJERRY\nIn a manner of speaking.\n\nGEORGE\nLet me digest it. Let me get my money's\nworth. Y'know what\n\nwould be good is if there was someone else in the bathroom that\ncould tell me.\n\nKramer enters.\n\nKRAMER\nHere's your scrubber back.\n\nJERRY\nThanks.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, maybe I could bribe one of those\nwomen that hand out the\n\ntowels in the powder room.\n\nJERRY\nA matron?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah\n\nKramer nervously waves at to stop Jerry talking.\n\nJERRY\nuh, well I can't help you there (weakly).\n\nGEORGE\nWha?\n\nKRAMER\nNothin'\n\nGEORGE\nYou know a matron?\n\nKRAMER\nMe?\n\nGEORGE\nYou\n\nKRAMER\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nKramer,\n\nKRAMER\nWell, now look, just leave me alone.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, what is it?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, don't, don't make me\n\nGEORGE\nWha?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, I can't, all right I can't ...\n\nGEORGE\nWho?\n\nKRAMER\n... My mother's a matron!\n\nELAINE\nBabs?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, there, all right I said it there..\nYa' satisfied? Anything else you\n\nwant to know?\n\nGEORGE\nKramer, Kramer, I need to know if Nina\nis refunding.\n\nKRAMER\nLook, George, I can't help ya, all right.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy not? Why not?\n\nKRAMER\nlet me go. let me go. Because I haven't\ntalked to my mother in five\n\nyears. We just don't see eye to eye. I don't even want to get\ninto my childhood.\n\nI'm still carrying a lot of pain. A LOT of pain.\n\nGEORGE\nCome on, Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nI can't I can't\n\nJERRY\nKramer you're going to have to face\nher some time\n\nKRAMER\n(mumbles) b'd b'd\n\nDoubleday offices\n\nELAINE\nHello (sees Landis) Oh, my goodness.\nWhat happened?\n\nLANDIS\nI tore my umeral epicondilitist\n\nELAINE\nOh\n\nLANDIS\nMy doctor said it might never fully\nheal. I may never play again.\n\nELAINE\nOh, you'll be playing ...\n\nLANDIS\nIf I can't play tennis I don't know\nwhat I'll do.\n\nELAINE\nThere are plenty of things you can do,\nthere's chess and uh uh mah jong,\n\nLANDIS\nYou don't know how lucky you are to\nbe healthy ...\n\nELAINE\n... and biking and ..\n\nLANDIS\nWhat am I going to do?\n\nELAINE\n... hiking ...\n\nLANDIS\n(wimpers)\n\nELAINE\n(sees racquet) Could I ...\n\nLANDIS\nIf I can't play tennis I have no reason\nto live .. (cries)\n\nELAINE\n(sees racquet), You know it's not important\nI'm gonna, ok, well, you know.\n\nTake care of that condolitis\n\nRestaurant Woman's Powder Room\n\nKramer and George enter\n\nKRAMER\nMa?\n\nBABS\nCosmo!\n\nGEORGE\nCosmo?\n\nJerry's apartment\n\nJERRY\nWhy didn't you just ask her for it?\n\nELAINE\nI told you I couldn't. The woman was\ncrying about how she might never\n\nplay tennis again\n\nBuzzer\n\nJERRY\nYeah\n\nGEORGE\nHey di ho\n\nJERRY\nC'mon up.\n\nJERRY\nSo when do you have to get the racquet\nback to Mr. Pitt?\n\nELAINE\naugh, he's got a big match tomorrow\nwith Ethyl Kennedy\n\nJERRY\nHe needs a three hundred-dollar Bruline\nto beat Ethyl Kennedy?\n\nELAINE\nHe'll only play with his racquet\n\nJERRY\nWell, why don't you wait 'til she's\nnot there on her lunch hour and just\n\ntake it?\n\nELAINE\nThat's stealing?\n\nJERRY\nStealing? You loaned her the racquet!\n\nELAINE\nI know.\n\nGeorge enters\n\nGEORGE\nHey oh.\n\nELAINE\nJERRY: Hey\n\nJERRY\nSo what happened with Kramer's mother?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's all worked out. Nina and I will\nhave dinner Thursday at the restaurant\n\nwhere Babs works.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's she like?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, she's a Kramer. And uh, while I\nwas there I uh happened to pick up\n\nanother juicy little nugget about our friend.\n\nELAINE\nAh, I'm ready what?\n\nJERRY\nWhat is it?\n\nGEORGE\nI uh got the first name.\n\nELAINE\nYou found out Kramer's first name?\n\nGEORGE\nThat's right. You ready?\n\nJERRY\nWe've been trying to get it out of him\nfor ten years. What is it?\n\nGEORGE\nCosmo\n\nELAINE\nJERRY: Cosmo?\n\nGEORGE\nCosmo\n\nELAINE\nJERRY: Cosmo\n\n- all laugh -\n\nELAINE\nCosmo, Cosmo?\n\nKramer enters\n\nKRAMER\nWhat's so funny? ... wha?\n\nELAINE\nCOSMO?\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, OK So you the name now. The\ncat is .a a a .. out of the bag.\n\nJ; Well I got to hand it to you. You did a hell of a job keeping\nit a secret all these\n\nyears.\n\nELAINE\nIt's not such a bad name.\n\nKRAMER\nWell you know all my life I've been\nrunning away from that name.\n\nThat's why I wouldn't tell anybody. But I've been thinking about\nit. All this time\n\nI'm trying not to be me. I'm afraid to face who I was. But I'm\nCosmo Jerry.\n\nI'm Cosmo Kramer. And that's who I'm going to be. From now on\nthat's who\n\nI'm going to be. I'm Cosmo!\n\nX's apartment\n\nLAURA\nYes?\n\nJERRY\nHi, is Sandy here?\n\nLAURA\nHi, you must be Jerry. Sandy's in the\nshower. Do you want to come in?\n\nJERRY\nI would except I forgot to bring a towel.\n\nLAURA\n(laughs nicely)\n\nMonks\n\n{Jerry starts.}\n\nJERRY\nSo the roommate laughed at everything\nI said.\n\nGEORGE\nWow.\n\nJERRY\nIt was a great sounding laugh too, kind\nof lilting and feminine--none of\n\nthose big coarse \"ha's.\" You know those?\n\nGEORGE\nOh yeah: HA-A-A, HA-A-A.\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nHate the big coarse \"ha.\" Hate those.\n\nJERRY\nAnd the worst part of course is that\nshe also possessed many of the\n\nother qualities prized by the Superficial Man.\n\nGEORGE\nI see.\n\nJERRY\nSo as you can see, I've got a bit of\na problem here.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, if I hear you correctly--and I\nthink that I do--my advice to you\n\nis to finish your meal, pay your check, leave here, and never\nmention\n\nthis to anyone again.\n\nJERRY\nCan't be done, huh?\n\nGEORGE\nThe Switch?\n\nJERRY\n\"The Switch.\"\n\nGEORGE\nCan't be done.\n\nJERRY\nI wonder.\n\nGEORGE\nDo you realize in the entire history\nof western civilization no one has\n\nsuccessfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle\nAges you\n\ncould get locked up for even suggesting it!\n\nJERRY\nThey didn't have roommates in the Middle\nAges.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I'm sure at some point between\nthe years 800 and\n\n1200--somewhere--there were two women living together.\n\nJERRY\nThe point is I intend to undertake this.\nAnd I'll do it with or without\n\nyou. So if you're scared, if you haven't got the stomach for\nthis, let's\n\nget it out right now! And I'll go on my own. If not, you can\nget on\n\nboard and we can get to work! Now what's it going to be?\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, dammit, I'm in.\n\nJERRY\nI couldn't do it without you.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. Let's get to work.\n\n{Now here's the boys' second conversation on the subject, after\nwe've\n\nseen them struggling with the issue over coffee, wandering the\nsidewalks\n\nof NYC-- all to 40's-style movie music--before continuing their\n\ndiscussion in Jerry's apartment. George begins this time.}\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. That's enough for today.\nYou're tired. Get some sleep. I'll see\n\nyou first thing in the morning.\n\nJERRY\nAw, we can't do it, who are we kidding?\nIt's impossible! It's true! You\n\ncan't do the Switch! Nobody can do the Switch! It was a stupid\nidea to\n\nbegin with! Let's face it. I'm stuck with the non-laugher and\nthat's\n\nthat!\n\nGEORGE\nWe'll come up with something.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, sure we will.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. See you tomorrow. {George\nsighs, exits.}\n\n{Pregnant pause, then George bursts back in.}\n\nGEORGE\nI-I-I-I-I got it!!!!!\n\n{Commercial, then \"third scene,\"The boys are finishing pizza\nand beer.\n\nGeorge begins here, slowly, carefully, to make sure Jerry's got\nit. (Be\n\nsure to keep in mind the descriptions' hilarious visual enactments.)}\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. Let's go over it again, one\nmore time.\n\nJERRY\nAll right. So I tell Sandy that I want\nto have a m\u00e9nage \u00e0 trois with her\n\nand her roommate.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's right.\n\nJERRY\nAnd you believe this course of action\nwill have a two-pronged effect.\n\nFirstly, the very mention of the idea will cause Sandy to recoil\nin\n\ndisgust, whereupon she will insist that I remove myself from\nthe\n\npremises.\n\nGEORGE\nKeep going.\n\nJERRY\nAt this point, it is inevitable that\nshe will seek out the roommate to\n\napprise her of this abhorrent turn of events.\n\nGEORGE\nContinue.\n\nJERRY\nThe roommate will then offer her friend\nthe requisite sympathy even as\n\npart of her cannot help but feel somewhat flattered by her inclusion\nin\n\nthe unusual request.\n\n{George takes over.}\n\nGEORGE\nA few days go by and a call is placed\nat a time when Sandy is known to\n\nbe busy at work. Once the initial awkwardness is relieved with\na little\n\nplayful humor, which she (Laura) of course cannot resist, an\ninvitation\n\nto a friendly dinner is proffered.\n\nJERRY\nHuh. Well, it all sounds pretty good.\nThere's only one flaw in it:\n\nThey're roommates. She'd have to go out with me behind Sandy's\nback.\n\nShe's not gonna do that.\n\n{Another pregnant pause. George?}\n\nGEORGE\nYou disappoint me, my friend. Sandy\nwants nothing to do with you. She\n\ntells Laura, \"If you want to waste your time with that pervert,\nthat's\n\nyour problem.\"\n\n{Final pause. Jerry?}\n\nJERRY\nIt's a perfect plan. So inspired. So\ndevious. Yet so simple.\n\nGEORGE\n{George, finger in the peanut butter\njar}: This is what I do.\n\nDoubleday\n\nElaine surreptitiously enters office and takes racquet.\n\nKEITH\nCan I help you?\n\nELAINE\nUh, no, I'm OK.\n\nKEITH\nWell then what are you doing with that\nracquet?\n\nELAINE\nUm, it's mine. Miss. Landis borrowed\nit.\n\nKEITH\nWell, I'm sorry you can't take that,\nno no no..\n\nELAINE\nNo no no, I can. I can. It's mine. It's\nmy racquet.\n\nKEITH\nLook sweetheart I don't know who you\nare. I don't know what you're doing\n\nhere. But...\n\nELAINE\nAll right. I'm going I'm going\n\nKEITH\nNot with ...\n\nELAINE\nGive it give it ..\n\nKEITH\nLeave ...\n\nELAINE\nAll right all right forget it. You don't\nhave to mention any of this to\n\nMiss. Landis do you?\n\nKEITH\nI don't have to but I will.\n\nStreet\n\nBabs and Kramer\n\nCLOTWORTHY\nMorning Cosmo\n\nKRAMER\nHi Mr. Clotworthy\n\nCLOTWORTHY\nHow are you today?\n\nKRAMER\nAh couldn't be better. Hi Lorraine.\n\nLANDIS\nHi Cosmo\n\nKRAMER\nMy mom Babs.\n\nLANDIS\nHi Mrs. Kramer\n\nBABS\nLorraine\n\nKRAMER\nYes, It's a fine day\n\nUNSEEN\n(Larry David's voice) What do you say\nCosmo?\n\nKRAMER\nHey, everything my man.\n\nSandy's apartment\n\nSANDY\nWhat:\n\nJERRY\nYou know, I don't know the exact pronunciation\nbut I believe its\n\nManage A Trois.\n\nSANDY\nOooo, that is a wild idea\n\nJERRY\nUh?\n\nMonks\n\nKramer and Babs\n\nKRAMER\nYou ma, know I've been thinking. I want\nyou to quit that matron job.\n\nBABS\nYes, well isn't that just easy for you\nto say. What the hell do you think\n\nI'm going to do with myself?\n\nKRAMER\nWell maybe we could go into business\ntogether. If you're clean?\n\nBABS\nI've been clean for two years. Anyway\nwhat would we do together?\n\nKRAMER\nI've got plenty of ideas.\n\nBABS\nI've always believed in you Cosmo. You\nknow that. So I want you to\n\ncall that place today and tell then tha you're through.\n\nBABS\nAll right. I'll do it.\n\nRestaurant\n\nGeorge and Nina\n\nNINA\nMmmm mm so good.\n\nGEORGE\n... so glad.\n\nNINA\nWill you excuse me I've got to freshen\nup.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd why shouldn't you? Be fresh Stay\nfresh\n\nWOMAN\nI'll be back. I'm not feeling very well.\n\nWAITRESS\nCare to see our dessert menu?\n\nGEORGE\nUh, yeah. Do you know Babs?\n\nWAITRESS\nOh, yeah I was sorry to hear she left.\n\nGEORGE\nBabs left?\n\nWAITRESS\nShe quit today.\n\nGeorge runs to bathroom and hears retching sounds.\n\nGeorge enters woman's bathroom\n\nGEORGE\nAh Ha.\n\nNINA\nWhat are you doing here George?\n\nGEORGE\nI was just wondering what it was you\nwanted for dessert.\n\nNina leaves - woman exits stall\n\nGEORGE\nHow 'ya feelin'?\n\nStreet\n\nNewman and Babs\n\nBABS\nHi Newman\n\nNEWMAN\nHi Babs\n\nBABS\nWhat are you doin'\n\nNEWMAN\nMinding my own business.\n\nBABS\nYou'll never get into trouble that way.\n\nNEWMAN\nWhat makes you think I'm lookin' for\ntrouble?\n\nBABS\nFrom what I hear you postmen don't have\nto look too far.\n\nNEWMAN\nha ha ha Well you know sometimes it\njust has a way of\n\nfinding you. Cigarette?\n\nBABS\nDon't mind if I do.\n\nJerry's Apoartment\n\nGeorge knocking on Kramer's door yelling Kramer...\n\nJerry opens his door.\n\nJERRY\nHey\n\nGeorge enters\n\nGEORGE\nWhat happened to Babs. She never showed\nup last night.\n\nThe whole thing blew up in my face.\n\nJERRY\nAh, that's a shame.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, what happened with Sandy. I forgot\nall about it.\n\nDid you call her?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I did. In fact I went over there.\n\nGEORGE\nSo what happened? She throw you out?\nEh?\n\nJERRY\nNo actually, she took it pretty well.\n\nGEORGE\nSo what happened?\n\nJERRY\nShe's into it.\n\nGEORGE\nInto what?\n\nJERRY\nThe manage. And not only that. She just\ncalled me and said\n\nshe talked to the roommate and the roomate's into the manage\ntoo.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's unbelievable.\n\nJERRY\nOh, it's a scene man.\n\nGEORGE\nDo you ever just get down on your knees\nand thank god that\n\nyou know me and have access to my dementia?\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you talking about? I'm not\ngoin' to do it.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're not goin to do it? What do you\nmean, You're not goin\n\nto do it?\n\nJERRY\nI can't. I'm not an orgy guy.\n\nGEORGE\nAre you crazy? This is like discovering\nPlutonium ... by accident.\n\nJERRY\nDon't you know what it means to become\nan orgy guy? It changes\n\neverything. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different.\nI'd have to\n\ngrow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd\nneed a new\n\nbedspread and new curtains I'd have to get thick carpeting and\nweirdo lighting.\n\nI'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends.\n\n... Naw, I'm not ready for it.\n\nGEORGE\nIf only something like that could happen\nto me.\n\nJERRY\nOh, shut up you couldn't do it either.\n\nGEORGE\nI know.\n\nElaine enters\n\nJERRY\nHey, what happened? Did you get your\nracquet?\n\nELAINE\nNo, I got caught.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you mean you got caught?\n\nELAINE\nHer assistant caught me. And now I'm\nprobably not going to get a job.\n\nHe's going to tell Landis that I was sneakin around her office.\n\nJERRY\nI still don't understand how you can\nget in trouble for taking your own\n\nracquet.\n\nELAINE\nMeanwhile Mr. Pitt's got this match\nwith Ethyl Kennedy this afternoon.\n\nKramer enters\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHi Cosmo.\n\nELAINE\nHi Cosmo\n\nKRAMER\nThanks man.\n\nJERRY\nHey, doesn't Newman have a Bruline racquet?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, Yeah, yeah, but he's on vacation.\nWent to Baltimore.\n\nJERRY\nHum, but you've got the key to his place\nright?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah\n\nJERRY\nWell Elaine needs to borrow his racquet.\nJust for today.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right all right. Come on I'll take\nyou over to Newman's\n\nGEORGE\nHey, Cosmo what happened to your mother\nlast night. She hung me\n\nout to dry.\n\nKRAMER\nShe quit.\n\nGEORGE\nIt would have been nice if someone told\nme about it. I just think you\n\ncould have said something. That's all.\n\nTrying to enter newman's apartment\n\nKRAMER\nDon't talk to me George, talk to her.\n\nGEORGE\nWell where is she?\n\nKRAMER\nI don't know.\n\nThey enter Newman's apartment - Babs and Newman on the couch.\n\nKRAMER\nMa!\n\nBABS\nCosmo!\n\nNEWMAN\nWe din, we didn't ... ... Cosmo?\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Label-Maker.html",
    "text": "THE LABEL MAKER\n\nWritten by\n\nAlec Berg & Jeff Schaffer\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nLoyalty to any one sports team is pretty hard to justify. Because\nthe players\n\nare always changing, the team can move to another city, you're\nactually rooting\n\nfor the clothes when you get right down to it. You know what\nI mean, you are\n\nstanding and cheering and yelling for your clothes to beat the\nclothes from\n\nanother city. Fans will be so in love with a player but if he\ngoes to another\n\nteam, they boo him. This is the same human being in a different\nshirt, they\n\n*hate* him now. Boo! different shirt!! Boo.\n\nJerry and George are at a hot dog vendor's cart.\n\nJERRY\nYou sure you don't want the tickets?\n\nGEORGE\nNo thanks.\n\nJERRY\nI can't believe I'm having trouble getting\nrid of Super Bowl tickets.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm telling you, skip the Drake's wedding,\ngo to the game.\n\nJERRY\nI can't, the Drake put me in the wedding\nparty.\n\nGEORGE\nWell who schedules his wedding on Super\nBowl Sunday?\n\nJERRY\nMaybe he didn't know?\n\nGEORGE\nLemme see. I can't believe you got\nthese for free. (Looking at the\n\ntickets) Row F?!\n\nJERRY\nRow F, in front of the Gs, hobnobbing\nwith the Ds and Es.\n\nGEORGE\nHowbout Kramer or Elaine, they don't\nwant them?\n\nJERRY\nI asked. Elaine laughed at me, Kramer's\nonly interested in Canadian\n\nfootball.\n\nGEORGE\nWish I could help you.\n\nJERRY\nCome on, take them. You could take\nBonnie.\n\nGEORGE\nYou paying my hotel and airfare to Miami?\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you think?\n\nGEORGE\nSo in order to use these, I gotta spend\nlike fifteen-hundred bucks.\n\nThis is a bill for fifteen-hundred dollars. Plus, she'd ask\nabout the sleeping\n\narrangements, that whole sleeping arrangement conversation is\ndepressing.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, sleeping arrangements. So, you\nhaven't, uh...\n\nGEORGE\nOh, no no no, I haven't even seen her\napartment yet. Tomorrow night's\n\nthe first night.\n\nJERRY\nAah.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, is that Tim Whatley?\n\nJERRY\nThe Dentist?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, is he still mad at you for crashing\nhis Thanksgiving party?\n\nJERRY\nOh, no. I explained the whole thing\nto him, he was fine with it.\n\nGEORGE\nOh good.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I blamed it on you. Hi Tim.\n\nTIM\nHey Jerry! George. What are you up\nto?\n\nJERRY\nAh, just a couple of gals out on the\ntown, shopping and gabbing.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm getting a makeover.\n\nJERRY\nHey. How would you like to go to the\nSuper Bowl?\n\nTIM\nWhat, are you kidding?\n\nJERRY\nHere. Two tickets. Have a good time.\n\nTIM\nHow can I think you? I'll tell you\nwhat, I'll take you to dinner\n\nsometime. You ever been to Mendys?\n\nJERRY\nNo no no. No dinner.\n\nJerry's apartment, Jerry is on the phone.\n\nJERRY\nTim, you didn't have to get me a thank\nyou gift. I know, it's a label\n\nmaker. The Label Baby Junior. Yeah, I hear they're good. Well,\nlabel me\n\nthankful. Okay, well you enjoy those tickets. Buh-bye.\n\nJerry hangs up, there's a pounding on the door.\n\nJERRY\nCome in.\n\nMore pounding. Jerry opens the door and Kramer backs in carrying\na board game.\n\nKRAMER\nWhere can I put this?\n\nJERRY\nWhat is it?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's Risk, Jerry. The game of world\nconquest. (brushing newspapers off\n\nthe table with his foot and setting the game board down) Alright,\nthat's\n\nperfect.\n\nNewman walks in.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, why do you have to (noticing\nNewman) Hello, Newman.\n\nNEWMAN\nHello, Jerry. Will he take it? I gotta\ngo to work.\n\nJERRY\nTake what?\n\nKRAMER\nThe board, Jerry. We've been playing\nat Newman's for six hours but\n\nhe's gotta go.\n\nJERRY\nSo why don't you leave it at Newman's?\n\nNEWMAN\nI wanted to, he won't let me.\n\nKRAMER\nWe have to put the board in a neutral\nplace where no one will tamper\n\nwith it.\n\nJERRY\nSo that's here?\n\nKRAMER\nYes, yes. You're like Switzerland.\n\nJERRY\nI don't wanna be Switzerland.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, Newman and I are engaged in a\nepic struggle for world\n\ndomination. It's winner take all. People cannot be trusted.\n\nNEWMAN\nDon't look at me.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I'm looking right at you, big daddy.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, soldier boys, let's fall out.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, so you're gonna look after\nit?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, yeah.\n\nKRAMER\nStay strong buddy.\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\nWatch it good.\n\nJERRY\nOk.\n\nKramer leaves, Elaine enters.\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nELAINE\nHey. Oh, is that a label maker?\n\nJERRY\nYes it is. I got it as a gift, it's\na Label Baby Junior.\n\nELAINE\nLove the Label Baby, baby. You know\nthose things make great gifts, I\n\njust got one of those for Tim Whatley for Christmas.\n\nJERRY\nTim Whatley?\n\nELAINE\nYeah. Who sent you that one?\n\nJERRY\nOne Tim Whatley!\n\nElaine. No, my Tim Whatley?\n\nJERRY\nThe same, he sent it as a thank you\nfor my Super Bowl tickets.\n\nELAINE\nI think this is the same one I gave\nhim. He recycled this gift. He's\n\na regifter!\n\nJERRY\nOr maybe he liked your gift so much,\nhe decided to get me the same\n\nthing. Perhaps it's an homage.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, perhaps.\n\nJERRY\nWell how did he react when you gave\nit to him?\n\nELAINE\nUm, he said, \"Oh. A label maker. Howbout\nthat?\"\n\nJERRY\nHe repeated the name of the gift?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, so?\n\nJERRY\nOh, well, if you repeat the name of\nthe gift, you can't possibly like\n\nit.\n\nELAINE\nWhat do you mean?\n\nJERRY\nOh, you know, like when someone opens\nsomething up and they go, \"Oh.\n\nTube socks.\" What are you gonna do about it?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know, I guess I'll just get\ninvited up to his apartment and see\n\nif he's got a label maker.\n\nJERRY\nWhy'd you get him a gift anyway?\n\nELAINE\nOh, he did some dental work for me and\nhe didn't charge me so I thought\n\nI'd get him a Christmas present.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, well, if you're getting him anything\nfor his birthday, I'm a\n\nlarge.\n\nGeorge and his girlfriend, Bonnie, are entering her apartment.\n\nBONNIE\nWell, here we are. This is the place.\n\nGEORGE\nWow.\n\nBONNIE\nDo you like it?\n\nGEORGE\nI love it! This is fantastic! Look\nat this couch, is this velvet?!\n\nBONNIE\nAre you a velvet fan?\n\nGEORGE\nA fan? I would drape myself in velvet\nif it were socially acceptable.\n\nAnd look at this, hardwood floors!\n\nBONNIE\nAren't they great? (sees a man enter\nfrom the bedroom) Oh, Scott, hi.\n\nThis is George. George, this is Scott, my roommate.\n\nScott walks into the kitchen.\n\nGEORGE\nHeh heh.\n\nBONNIE\nHere, check out this view. If you lean\nout this window, you can see\n\nthe river.\n\nScott returns from the kitchen eating an apple, and heads back\nto the bedroom.\n\nGEORGE\nSo Scott's your roommate, huh?\n\nBONNIE\nYes. Oh, I'm sure I've mentioned him.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, you didn't mention it.\n\nBONNIE\nHe's a great guy, you'll really like\nhim.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm sure I will.\n\nGeorge and Jerry are at the coffee shop.\n\nJERRY\nMale roommate, huh?\n\nGEORGE\nYes. A male roommate.\n\nJERRY\nIs this a problem?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's a huge problem, Jerry. The hardest\npart about having sex with a\n\nwoman is getting her to come back to your place! He's already\ngot that.\n\nJERRY\nWell, maybe he's --\n\nGEORGE\nNo. Believe me, he's not.\n\nJERRY\nSo he's an eligible receiver.\n\nGEORGE\nShe's confiding in him about our dates.\nYou always like the person you\n\ntalk to about the date more than the date! It's just a matter\nof time till they\n\nrealize, 'Hey, we could have sex.'\n\nJERRY\nWhat's stopping them?\n\nGEORGE\nExactly! You know how they get animals\nto reproduce in captivity?\n\nThey just put them in the same cage.\n\nJERRY\nWhat does he look like?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, that's the worst part of it. He\nlooks just like me.\n\nJERRY\nHe looks like you and he's working from\nthe inside?\n\nGEORGE\nI look like me and I'm working from\nthe outside. Who do you think is\n\nin the better position?\n\nJERRY\nNot you.\n\nGEORGE\nHo ho. This bizarre ?harrod? experiment\nmust end!\n\nJERRY\nWe'll take a check please.\n\nGEORGE\nI gotta find a way to work this out,\nI love that apartment. It's so\n\ncozy, I'm ensconced in velvet. You know, if it were socially\nacceptable--\n\nJERRY\nI know, you would drape yourself in\nvelvet.\n\nGEORGE\nI've said that before?\n\nJERRY\nMany times. You love velvet, you want\nto live in velvet, everything\n\nwith the velvet.\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nGEORGE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nGuess what? I saw Newman talking to\nthe super.\n\nJERRY\nSo what?\n\nKRAMER\nThe super has keys to your apartment.\nDon't you see what's going on?\n\nNewman is planning a sneak attack.\n\nJERRY\nOh, maybe he's got no hot water.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, alright, fine. You sit there\nand you watch while Newman takes\n\nover the world. But he'd be a horrible leader. And you know\nwho's gonna\n\nsuffer? The little people; you and George.\n\nJERRY\nAre you through?\n\nKRAMER\nOh. I talked to Arthur Jobanian. Yeah,\nthe Drake's wedding? That's\n\noff.\n\nJERRY\nThe wedding is off? What happened?\n\nKRAMER\nThe Drake, he found out that the wedding\nis on the same day as the\n\nSuper Bowl. So he wanted to postpone it, they got in a big argument\nand *phlf*\n\nit's over.\n\nJerry and George are entering Jerry's apartment.\n\nGEORGE\nThe wedding is off. Now you can go\nto the Super Bowl.\n\nJERRY\nI can't call Tim Whatley and ask for\nthe tickets back.\n\nGEORGE\nYou just gave them to him two days ago,\nhe's gotta give you a grace\n\nperiod.\n\nJERRY\nAre you even vaguely familiar with the\nconcept of giving? There's no\n\ngrace period.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, didn't he regift the label maker?\n\nJERRY\nPossibly.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, if he can regift, why can't you\ndegift?\n\nJERRY\nYou may have a point.\n\nGEORGE\nI have a point, I have a point.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, I'll call him.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. What's that?\n\nJERRY\nOh, it's Risk, it's a game of world\ndomination being played by two guys\n\nwho can barely run their own lives. (Picks up phone and dials)\nHello Tim?\n\nYeah, hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld, remember those tickets I gave\nyou? Well it turns\n\nout I can use them. Oh, you do? I understand. Okay. Bye.\nHe already made\n\nplans, he can't change them.\n\nGEORGE\nWell they're his tickets, he can do\nwhat he wants\n\nwith them.\n\nJERRY\nThanks.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, I gotta go. I'm heading over\nto Bonnie's.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you gonna do about the roommate?\n\nGEORGE\nI gotta try and find a way to switch\nplaces with him. It's like a\n\nSigfried and Roy trick.\n\nJERRY\nWell, the pickle breath is a good start.\n\nGeorge leaves, Newman enters, or would except Jerry tries slamming\nthe door on\n\nhim.\n\nNEWMAN\nHello Jerry, may I come in?\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you want?\n\nNEWMAN\nNothing, just being\n\nneighborly. Do you wanna hang out? Shoot the breeze?\n\nJERRY\nI'm not letting you cheat, Newman.\nYou're not getting anywhere near\n\nthat board.\n\nNEWMAN\nJerry? I'm a little insulted.\n\nJERRY\nYou're not a little anything, Newman.\nSo just pack it up and move it\n\nout of here.\n\nNEWMAN\nOh, by the way, what are you doing for\nthe Super Bowl?\n\nJERRY\nI dunno, watch it on TV I guess. Why?\n\nNEWMAN\nWell if you watch closely enough, you\njust might see me. I'll be the\n\none waving to the camera from my seat on the forty yard line.\n\nJERRY\nYou're going to the Super Bowl?\n\nNEWMAN\nYes I am, a guy on my mail route just\ngot a couple of tickets and he\n\noffered one to me.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's his name?\n\nNEWMAN\nTim Whatley.\n\nJERRY\nThat's my ticket!\n\nNEWMAN\nIs it?! Ohhh, well if only you'd known,\nyou could have saved some time\n\nand given it directly to me! Ha ha ha.\n\nJERRY\nNewman!\n\nGeorge and Bonnie are at Bonnie's\n\nGEORGE\nWhat a movie. Good choice.\n\nBONNIE\nThank Scott. He recommended it.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, Scott, Scott. He's really great,\nisn't he?\n\nBONNIE\nYes he is.\n\nGEORGE\nYes he is. Let me ask you something.\nWhen you come out of the shower\n\nand you put your robe on, do you cinch it real tight, are you\nconcerned about\n\nthat?\n\nBONNIE\nGeorge?\n\nGEORGE\nDo you hold the neck together with one\nhand, or are you just letting it\n\nflap in the breeze?\n\nBONNIE\nGeorge, you're being ridiculous.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's the massage situation?\n\nBONNIE\nWhat do you mean?\n\nGEORGE\nIs there any work being done? Is there\nany rubbing, touching, finger\n\nmanipulation on the other person, and if so, who's making the\nrequest?\n\nBONNIE\nGeorge, would you just stop?\n\nGEORGE\nSay you go to the bathroom at two o'clock\nin the morning, what's the\n\noutfit? I mean, you dressing up or is it come as you are?\n\nBONNIE\nGeorge, what is wrong with you?\n\nGEORGE\nI'll tell you what's wrong, a grown\nwoman with a male roommate! It's\n\nunnatural, it's an abomination!\n\nScott enters.\n\nSCOTT\nHey!\n\nGEORGE\nHey!\n\nSCOTT\nHow ya going?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm good.\n\nSCOTT\nAre you gonna need the bathroom? 'Cause\nI'm gonna jump in\n\nthe shower.\n\nBONNIE\nNo, just throw my bras out of the way.\n\nElaine and Tim Whatley are walking together on the street.\n\nTIM\nWell, this is my building.\n\nELAINE\nYes it is.\n\nTIM\nThis was fun, you know?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nTIM\nSo, I'll call.\n\nELAINE\nAren't you gonna invite me upstairs?\n\nTIM\nUpstairs? You wanna go upstairs?\n\nELAINE\nI would love to go upstairs.\n\nTIM\nElaine, you are something else. No\none can ever put a label on you, huh?\n\nELAINE\nWe'll see.\n\nJerry and George are at their booth in the coffee shop.\n\nJERRY\nNewman. He's going with Newman.\n\nGEORGE\nHow does Tim Whatley even know Newman?\n\nJERRY\nNewman's his mailman.\n\nGEORGE\nWho goes to the Super Bowl with their\nmailman?!\n\nJERRY\nWho goes *anywhere* with Newman?!\n\nGEORGE\nWell, he's merry.\n\nJERRY\nHe is merry, I'll give him that. (notices\na cactus on the table)\n\nWhat's this plant for?\n\nGEORGE\nI had a little tiff with Bonnie about\nthe roommate.\n\nJERRY\nOh, well the cactus will smooth things\nover.\n\nElaine enters.\n\nELAINE\nHey, guess what? I'm going to the Super\nBowl with Tim Whatley.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nWe went out for coffee last night and\nhe offered me a ticket.\n\nJERRY\nWhat about the label maker?\n\nELAINE\nAh, well.\n\nJERRY\nWait a minute, that's my ticket! You\ndidn't even want to go.\n\nELAINE\nIt was totally out of the blue. We\nwent upstairs to his apartment, you\n\nknow, to look for the label maker.\n\nJERRY\nSo, how did you get up there? Did you\nsay you had to use the bathroom?\n\nELAINE\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nThen how'd you get up there?\n\nELAINE\nI said, \"Do you wanna go upstairs?\"\n\nGEORGE\nAnd there's you ticket.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nThat's why you're going to the Super\nBowl.\n\nELAINE\nWhy?\n\nJERRY\nYou go out with a guy one time, you\nask him to go upstairs like you're\n\nMae West? Of course he's gonna try and get you alone for the\nweekend.\n\nELAINE\nYou mean just because I asked him to\ngo upstairs, he thinks he's going\n\ndowntown?\n\nJERRY\nObviously.\n\nELAINE\nYou're crazy.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, what happened when you got upstairs?\n\nELAINE\nAs soon as we walked in, he got a call\nfrom one of his patients with an\n\nimpacted molar or something so he had to leave. I didn't even\nget a chance to\n\nlook for the label maker.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, well I don't trust this guy.\nI think he regifted, he degifted,\n\nand now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Super\nBowl sex romp.\n\nJerry is in the hallway approaching his apartment door. Kramer\nwalks out of his\n\napartment.\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey. What are you doing?\n\nKRAMER\nI'm watching your door.\n\nJERRY\nMy door?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, from my peephole. Fisheye, sees\nall.\n\nCut to the interior of Jerry's apartment. Newman sneaks out\nfrom the bedroom\n\ntowards the table where the Risk board is sitting. He accidentally\nknocks some\n\nCDs off the shelving unit, making a lot of noise.\n\nJERRY\nWhat was that?\n\nKRAMER\nNewman!\n\nJerry begins opening the door, Newman does not have enough time\nto change the\n\nboard pieces.\n\nNEWMAN\nDamn!\n\nJERRY\nThe bedroom!\n\nJerry runs to the bedroom, catching a glimpse of Newman climbing\nout the open\n\nwindow and up the fire escape. Jerry and Kramer rush to the\nwindow.\n\nJERRY\nI see you, Newman! I see you!\n\nKRAMER\nI'm taking the Congo as a penalty!\n\nElaine and Tim Whatley are sharing a cab.\n\nELAINE\nI've got a confession to make.\n\nTIM\nOh? What's that?\n\nELAINE\nI've got Super Bowl fever.\n\nTIM\nOh yeah, me too.\n\nELAINE\nSo where are we staying?\n\nTIM\nOh, the Ambassador.\n\nELAINE\nOh. Big room?\n\nTIM\nIt's a regular room, but it's right\ndowntown.\n\nELAINE\nDowntown?\n\nTIM\nRight downtown.\n\nELAINE\nWhat do they have there, a couple of\nbeds?\n\nTIM\nWhy? You bringing someone else?\n\nELAINE\nNo, but don't you think there should\nbe two beds? There's two of us.\n\nTim's grin disappears.\n\nGeorge enters Bonnie's apartment.\n\nBONNIE\nOh, a cactus.\n\nGEORGE\nThey don't need any water, so you don't\nhave to keep taking them to the\n\nbathroom.\n\nThey share a laugh. Scott enters from the back holding a cardboard\nbox. He\n\nplaces it on a stack of similar boxes.\n\nSCOTT\nWell, look who's here.\n\nBONNIE\nI asked Scott to move out.\n\nGEORGE\nOh. Oh!\n\nGeorge and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment. Kramer and Newman\nare seated at the\n\nRisk board on the living room table.\n\nJERRY\nSo she kicked him out of the apartment.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's right. It's just me and her.\n\nJERRY\nWow, she rearranged her whole life for\nyou.\n\nGEORGE\nI guess she did. He's gone, now I'm\nthe man.\n\nJERRY\nThat's not a good role for you.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, it's not.\n\nJERRY\nYou unwittingly made a major commitment.\nThat's a lot of pressure.\n\nGEORGE\nOh my god.\n\nJERRY\nYou wanted to be ensconced in velvet,\nyou're buried.\n\nGEORGE\nI had the perfect situation here, he\nwas shouldering half the load.\n\nJERRY\nHe was shouldering.\n\nGEORGE\nI couldn't leave well enough alone?!\n\nJERRY\nWhere are you going?\n\nGEORGE\nI gotta go help her tape up all his\nboxes and get them ready for\n\nshipping.\n\nJERRY\nOh, well here. Take Whatley's label\nmaker, I don't want to see it\n\nagain.\n\nGEORGE\nThanks.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. I am taking over South America\nand there\n\nain't nothing you can do about it.\n\nJERRY\nSo, too bad about that Super Bowl ticket,\neh Newman?\n\nNEWMAN\nYeah. I just hope Tim Whatley's electric\nbills don't suddenly get lost\n\nin the mail, or it could be lights out for him.\n\nJERRY\nThanks for having me over, guys.\n\nJerry and George are out on the street, Tim Whatley comes running\nup.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, I'll see you later.\n\nTIM\nHey Jerry?\n\nJERRY\nAh, Tim Whatley. Out scalping?\n\nTIM\nAh, see, now I've been thinking a lot\nabout what happened and I feel\n\nhorrible. Listen, I want to give you a ticket back.\n\nJERRY\nAre you serious, what about Elaine?\n\nTIM\nOh, Elaine. Yeah, well, things just\ndidn't work out like I thought they\n\nwould.\n\nJERRY\nOh. (notices a car being jacked up\nby a tow truck) Hey, isn't this\n\nKramer's car? (yelling up) Hey, Cosmo!! They're towing your\ncar!!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?! Not my car!! Hey!! They're\ntowing my\n\ncar!!\n\nKramer runs out the door, leaving Newman alone with the Risk\nboard, but only for\n\na moment. He runs back in and grabs the board.\n\nNEWMAN\nWhat are you doing?\n\nKRAMER\nI'm taking the board with me.\n\nKramer runs out carrying the board, Newman follows a moment later.\n\nBack on the street, Kramer's car is jacked up and the driver\nis just taking off.\n\nKramer comes running after it, yelling at the driver and balancing\nthe game\n\nboard with Newman at his heels.\n\nTIM\nSo, I guess I'll see you at the game.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, see you there.\n\nGeorge walks into Bonnie's apartment, *everything* is boxed up\nand Bonnie is\n\ntaping up the last of the boxes. He knocks to get her attention.\n\nBONNIE\nHi, George.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, what happened? Where's, where's\nall the stuff?\n\nBONNIE\nIt's gone. It was all his. Is this\na label maker?\n\nGEORGE\nThe table, the stereo, the VCR, the\nvelvet couch, where's the velvet?\n\nBONNIE\nThey were his. Besides, we don't need\nany of those things. We have\n\neach other.\n\nKramer and Newman are on a subway car, the Risk board sits on\ntheir laps.\n\nNEWMAN\nAre you sure you know where the impound\nyard is?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, stop stalling. Come on.\n\nNEWMAN\nI can't think, there's all this noise.\n\nKRAMER\nOr is it because I've built a stronghold\naround Greenland? I've driven\n\nyou out of Western Europe and I've left you teetering on the\nbrink of complete\n\nannihilation.\n\nNEWMAN\nI'm not beaten yet. I still have armies\nin the Ukraine.\n\nThis comment perks up the ears of what appears to be a Russian\nimmigrant.\n\nKRAMER\nHa ha, the Ukraine. Do you know what\nthe Ukraine is? It's a sitting\n\nduck. A road apple, Newman. The Ukraine is weak. It's feeble.\nI think it's\n\ntime to put the hurt on the Ukraine.\n\nUKRAINIAN\nI come from Ukraine. You not say Ukraine\nweak.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well we're playing a game here,\npal.\n\nUKRAINIAN\nUkraine is game to you?! Howbout I\ntake your little board and smash\n\nit!!\n\nThe Ukrainian pounds the game board, destroying it and sending\narmy pieces\n\nflying.\n\nTim Whatley approaches his building, Elaine is waiting at the\ndoor.\n\nELAINE\nHello, Tim.\n\nTIM\nElaine, hi.\n\nELAINE\nDon't worry, Tim. I didn't come by\nto yell at you, I didn't come by\n\nfor that at all. I just came by to pick up my label maker.\nI gave you a label\n\nmaker and now I would like to have it back.\n\nTIM\nBut you gave it to me.\n\nELAINE\nBut you gave me a ticket to the Super\nBowl. Hand it over, Whatley.\n\nTIM\nUh, ok.\n\nELAINE\nYou don't have the label maker, do you?\n\nTIM\nUh, no.\n\nELAINE\nI knew it! You're a regifter!\n\nTIM\nOh, yeah, some gift. That thing didn't\nwork at all.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nTIM\nYou put a label on something, then ten\nminutes later it would peel right\n\noff. It was the worst gift I ever got.\n\nELAINE\nWell, I bought it for you because you\nwere so nice to\n\nme for not charging me for the dental work. The way you worked\non my filling,\n\nyou were so, so gentle and so caring and so sensitive.\n\nTIM\nOh, Elaine!\n\nThey embrace passionately.\n\nFirst the exterior, then the interior of a mail truck. Boxes\nare being jostled.\n\nA close-up of a box labeled with \"Scott Thomas\" and a street\naddress is shown.\n\nThe labels fall off the box, one by one.\n\nFirst the exterior, then the interior of a football stadium.\nJerry is walking\n\ndown the aisle.\n\nJERRY\nH... G... F. Seat four. One, two,\nthree... f-- Hello Newman.\n\nNEWMAN\nHello, Jerry. Tim couldn't make it,\nhe's in love. Isn't that\n\nwonderful?\n\nJERRY\nOh, it's enchanting.\n\nGeorge is bringing a portable TV to Bonnie's so they can watch\nthe game.\n\nBONNIE\nHi.\n\nGEORGE\nHere's the TV. I know you wanted to\nwatch the Super Bowl. Do you at\n\nleast have some towels we could sit on? It's, like, a four hour\ngame.\n\nBONNIE\nGeorge, Scott's gonna drop by. He said\nhe never got his boxes. I'll\n\nget the towels.\n\nGEORGE\nHow am I gonna get out of this? Think\nCostanza, think!\n\nBONNIE\nHere we are.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, do you know, Bonnie, I just had\na pretty wild idea.\n\nBONNIE\nWhat is it?\n\nGEORGE\nWell I, uh, I'm not sure how you pronounce\nit or anything, but I, uh, I\n\nbelieve it's M\u00e9nage \u00e0 Trois?\n\nBONNIE\nWhat?\n\nJust then, Scott enters.\n\nSCOTT\nHi.\n\nBONNIE\nScott! Remember what we talked about\nthe other day? George is into\n\nit.\n\nSCOTT\nOh really?!\n\nScott walks towards George, the camera moves in on a close-up\nof an increasingly\n\nhorrified George, and freezes.\n\nJerry and Newman are at the Super Bowl.\n\nNEWMAN\nGreat streak of luck I'm having. First,\nKramer almost beat me at Risk\n\nbut I narrowly escaped, and then Tim Whatley gives me his Super\nBowl ticket.\n\nJERRY\nCan you move over at all?!\n\nNEWMAN\nAnd then, just as I'm about to go, these\nboxes show up at the post\n\noffice with no labels. No labels, Jerry. You know what that\nmeans? Freebies!!\n\nI got this great mini-TV and a VCR, oh it's unbelievable.\n\nJERRY\nAn inch! Can you move over an inch?!?\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Race.html",
    "text": "THE RACE\n\nWritten by\n\nTom Gammill, Max Pross & Larry David\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nThe Christmas tree certainly seems to inspire a love/hate relationship.\nAll that time is spent selecting it and decorating it, and then\na week after it's just thrown somewhere, you see it by the side\nof the road, it looks like a mob hit. A car slows down, a door\nopens and this tree just rolls out. People snap out of that Christmas\nspirit like it was a drunken stupor, they just wake up one morning\nand go, \"Oh my god, there's a tree inside the house! Just throw\nit anywhere!\n\n(Lois's office)\n\nJERRY\nReady to go Lois?\n\nLOIS\nYou really like to say my name? Don't\nyou?\n\nJERRY\nExcuse me Lois. Stand back Lois. Jimmy's\nin trouble Lois.\n\nLOIS\nOh, Mr. Meyers this is my friend, Jerry.\n\nDUNCAN\nJerry Seinfeld!\n\nJERRY\nDuncan Meyers!\n\nLOIS\nYou two know each other?\n\nDUNCAN\nYeah! We uh, went to High School together.\nDidn't we\n\nJerry? Gee I hope you're not leaving now. We still have a lot\nof work left to do.\n\nLOIS\nWould you be able to come all the way\ndowntown again in rush\n\nhour to pick me up?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I'd have to be Superman to do\nthat Lois.\n\n(Elaine's Apartment)\n\nELAINE\nNo, no This is all wrong. Where's the\nChicken Cashew?\n\nLEW\nYou no order Chicken Cashew.\n\nELAINE\nI didn't order any of this. I'm not\npaying for this.\n\nLEW\nFine Benes. We are putting you on our\nlist.\n\nELAINE\nWhat list?\n\nLEW\nThe \"do not deliver\" list.\n\nELAINE\nMERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU! Well, I guess\nwe'll just go out.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. What are you doing with the Daily\nWorker?\n\nELAINE\nNed must have left it here.\n\nGEORGE\nYour boyfriend reads the Daily Worker?\nWhat is he? A\n\ncommunist?\n\nELAINE\nHE reads everything, you know, Ned's\nvery well read.\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe he's just \"very well RED\"?\n\nELAINE\nCommunist? Don't you think he probably\nwould have told\n\nme?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, does he wear bland, drab, olive\ncolored clothing?\n\nELAINE\nYes, ... yes he does dress a little\ndrab.\n\nGEORGE\nHuh, he's a communist... . Look at\nthis. \"Exciting\n\nuninhibited woman seeks forward thinking comrade and appearance\nnot important.\" ... Appearance Not Important! This is unbelievable.\nFinally this is an ideology I can embrace.\n\n(Jerry enters)\n\nJERRY\nHi oh.\n\nELAINE\nand GEORGE: Hey.\n\nELAINE\nWhere's Lois?\n\nJERRY\nShe couldn't make it.\n\n===========break ========\n\nGEORGE\nI can't believe you're really going\nout with a woman named\n\nLois.\n\nJERRY\nI know, finally. But George, guess who\nher boss is. Duncan Meyers.\n\nGEORGE\nDuncan Meyers?\n\nELAINE\nWho's he?\n\nJERRY\nElaine, only one other person in the\nworld knows what I am about to tell\nyou and that's George. When we were\nin the ninth grade they had us all line\nup at one end of the school yard for\nthis big race to see who was going to\nrepresent the school in this track meet.\n\nELAINE\nUh uh\n\nJERRY\nI was the last one on the end. George\nwas next to me. And Mr. Bevilacqua,\nthe gym ...\n\nELAINE\nWhat's that?\n\nJERRY\nMr. Bevilacqua, the gym teacher.\n\nELAINE\nOh, of course.\n\nJERRY\nHe was down at the other end. So he\nyells out, \"Ready, On your mark, Get\nset, \" and I was so keyed up I just\ntook off. By the time he said go I was\nten yards ahead of everybody.\n\nELAINE\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nI looked up. I couldn't believe it.\n\nJERRY\nBy the time the race was over I had\nwon. I was shocked nobody had noticed\nthe head start.\n\nELAINE\nReally?\n\nJERRY\nAnd I had won by so much a myth began\nto grow about my\n\nspeed. Only Duncan suspected something was a miss. He's hated\nme\n\never since. Now he's back.\n\nELAINE\nWell what happened when you raced him\nagain?\n\nJERRY\nI never did. In four years of high school\nI would never race anyone again. Not\neven to the end of the block to catch\na bus. And so the legend grew. Everyone\nwanted me to race. They begged me. The\ntrack coach called my parents. Pleading.\nTelling them it was a sin to waste my\ngod given talent. But I answered him\nin the same way I answered everyone.\nI chose not to run.\n\nELAINE\nSo now Duncan is back?\n\nJERRY\nHe's back. And I knew he would be someday.\n(drinks) Man\n\nthat's some tart cider!\n\n(In Jerry's Car - Lois gets in)\n\nLOIS\nHi.\n\nJERRY\nHi.\n\nLOIS\nSorry I missed the Chinese food.\n\nJERRY\nOh, so am I . Uh, how's Duncan?\n\nLOIS\nHe's okay.\n\nJERRY\nHe say anything?\n\nLOIS\nAbout what?\n\nJERRY\nOh, nothing in particular.\n\nLOIS\n... Why did you cheat in that race?\n\nJERRY\nI did not cheat.\n\nLOIS\nHe said that you got a head start.\n\nJERRY\nOh, he's just jealous because he came\nin second.\n\nLOIS\nReally?\n\nJERRY\nYes\n\nLOIS\nSo you WERE the fastest kid in school.\n\nJERRY\nFaster than a speeding bullet Lois.\n\n(Elaine's Apartment)\n\nELAINE\nSo how was work? Another day, another\ndollar?\n\nNED\nI guess.\n\nELAINE\nOh well nothing wrong with that. Gotta\nmake those big bucks... . money money\nmoney money money money money ...\nha ha ha ha ah ... are you a communist?\n\nNED\nYes, as a matter of fact I am.\n\nELAINE\nOH, AH! OH! WOW! WHOA! A COMMIE! Wow,\ngee, man it must be a bummer for you\nguys what with the fall of the soviet\nempire and everything .\n\nNED\nYeah, well, we still got China, and\nCuba,\n\nELAINE\nYeah, but come on ...\n\nNED\nI know it's not the same.\n\nELAINE\nWell, you had a good run, what was it\n75, 80 years? Wreaking havoc, making\neverybody nervous.\n\nNED\nYeah, we had a good run.\n\nELAINE\nWell, so enjoy yourself. (clink glasses)\nha ha uh ha\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nGEORGE\nSo you lied to her?\n\nJERRY\nI couldn't tell her the truth. I don't\nknow what's going to happen between\nus. What if we have a bad breakup. She'll\ngo straight to Duncan. And I want him\nto go to his grave never being certain\nI got that\n\nhead start.\n\n(Elaine enters)\n\nELAINE\nWell, I'm dating a communist.\n\nJERRY\nWow, a communist. That's something.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, that's pretty cool isn't it?\n\nGEORGE\nHey, did I tell you I called one of\nthose girls from the personal ads in\nThe Daily Worker?\n\nJERRY\nThe Daily Worker has personal ads?\n\nGEORGE\nAnd they say appearance is not important.\n\nELAINE\nYours or hers?\n\n(Kramer enters dressed as Santa)\n\nKRAMER\nHo Ho Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas everyone.\nMerry Christmas.\n\nJERRY\nWow, look at you. So you got the job.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, you're looking at the new Santa\nat Coleman's Department store.\n\nELAINE\nOh, congratulations\n\n(Mickey enters)\n\nMICKEY\nCome on get your bead on. We're going\nto be late.\n\nKRAMER\nOn Prancer on Dasher, on Donna.\n\nMICKEY\nNot Donna, it's Donner.\n\nKRAMER\nDonna!\n\nMICKEY\nYeah, right!. On Prancer, on Dancer,\non Donna, on Ethyl, on Harriet.\n\nJERRY\nHello, Oh hi Lois, you want to get together,\nwhat for? I don't know about that, I'll\nhave to think about it. I'll let you\nknow. Okay, bye.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's up?\n\nJERRY\nDuncan wants to get together with her\nand me for lunch tomorrow. He obviously\nwants me to admit I got a head start.\nAnd I don't think she believes me.\n\nGEORGE\nHe wants to meet you? I'll tell you\nwhat. I'll show up. He doesn't know\nwe're friends. I'll pretend I haven't\nseen you since High School. I'll back\nup the story.\n\nJERRY\nThat's not bad.\n\nGEORGE\nNot bad? It's gorgeous!\n\n(Coleman's Department Store)\n\nKRAMER\nHo ho ho Well come on little Princess,\ntell Santa what you want. Don't be shy.\n\nMOMICKEY\nShe doesn't speak English (with a Swedish\naccent).\n\nKRAMER\nSanta speaks the language of all children.\nA notchie watchie dotchie do.\n\n(Child cries and reaches for her mom)\n\nKRAMER\nA dotchie cotchie dochie,\n\nKRAMER\nHet, Mickey when do we get a break?\nMy lap is killing me.\n\nMICKEY\nThere is no break.\n\nKRAMER\nA sweat shop.\n\n(Elaine and commie enter)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, hey, hey.\n\n(Kid sits on Kramer's lap and they both slide to the floor)\n\n(Yankee Stadium)\n\nADA\nNatalie on line 2.\n\nGEORGE\nNatalie?\n\nADA\nFrom the Daily Worker.\n\nGEORGE\nThank you.\n\n(ADA leaves but listens at the door)\n\nGEORGE\nHello, it's Natalie? Yeah, this is a\nbusiness office but I'm not a business\nman per se. I'm here working for the\npeople. Yes, I'm causing dissent. Stirring\nthe pot. Getting people to question\nthe whole rotten system.\n\n(Coleman's Department Store)\n\nILENE\nElaine.\n\nELAINE\nIlene.\n\nILENE\nHi.\n\nELAINE\nHello.\n\nILENE\nDoing a little Christmas shopping?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, yeah. Oh, this is Ned. He's a\ncommunist.\n\nILENE\nOh, really?\n\nELAINE\nYep ... a big communist, a big big\ncommunist.\n\nILENE\nOh, well, it's awfully nice to see you.\nSee you later.\n\nELAINE\nBye bye\n\nELAINE\nHey, listen while we're here why don't\nwe do a little shirt shopping?\n\nNED\nOut of the question.\n\nELAINE\nUm. Kramer!\n\nKRAMER\nHi\n\nELAINE\nHi, oh hi Mickey, this is Ned\n\nKRAMER\nOh, hey, hi buddy.\n\nELAINE\nYou guys stay here, I'll be right back.\n\nKRAMER\nEight hours of jingle belling and ho\nho hoing. Boy, I am ho'd out.\n\nNED\nAnyone who works here is a sap.\n\n(Mickey attacks Ned)\n\nMICKEY\nWatch it!\n\nKRAMER\nWoah, woah, come on.\n\nNED\nYou understand the Santa's at Bloomfields\nare making double what you are?\n\nKRAMER\nDouble?\n\nNED\nI bet the beard itches doesn't it?\n\nKRAMER\nYou got that straight.\n\nNED\nSo when you get a rash all over your\nface in January do you think Coleman's\nwill be there with a\n\nmedical plan?\n\nMICKEY\nLook, you take that commie crap out\ninto the street.\n\nNED\nKramer, I've got some literature in\nmy car that will change your whole way\nof thinking.\n\nKRAMER\nTalk to me baby.\n\nMICKEY\nDon't listen to him Kramer, you've got\na good job here.\n\n(Monks)\n\nDUNCAN\nBut there's no way you could have beaten\nme by that much. I already beaten you\nin Junior High School three times.\n\nJERRY\nI didn't hit puberty til the 9th grade.\nThat's what gave me my speed. Besides,\nif I got a head start why didn't Mr.\nBevilacqua stop the race?\n\n(George enters)\n\nDUNCAN\nThat's what I've always wondered about.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I ... (sees George)\n\nGEORGE\nOh, my God, No, oh my God, ... Jerry!\n\nJERRY\nI'm sorry, uh,\n\nGEORGE\nGeorge, George Costanza!\n\nJERRY\nOh, George Costanza, Kennedy High.\n\nGEORGE\nYes yes yes This is unbelievable.\n\nDUNCAN\nHi, George\n\nGEORGE\nOh, wait a minute, wait a minute, don't\ntell me, don't tell me. It starts with\na ... Duncan Meyers. Oh, wow, this\nis something. I haven't seen you guys\nin what, twenty years?\n\nJERRY\nThis is Lois.\n\nLOIS\nHello.\n\nGEORGE\nSo what have you been doing with yourself?\n\nJERRY\nI'm I'm a comedian.\n\nGEORGE\nAh ha, well, I really wouldn't know\nabout that. I don't watch much TV. I\nlike to read. So what do you do, a lot\nof that \"did you ever notice?\" this\nkind of stuff.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, yeah\n\nGEORGE\nIt strikes me a lot of guys are doing\nthat kind of humor now.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, yeah, Well, you really got bald\nthere, didn't you?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, yeah.\n\nJERRY\nYou really used to have a think full\nhead of hair.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, yeah. Well, I guess I started\nlosing it when I was about twenty-eight\nright around the time I made my first\nmillion. You know what they say. The\nfirst million is the hardest one.\n\nJERRY\nyeah, yeah.\n\nLOIS\nWhat do you do?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm an architect.\n\nLOIS\nHave you designed any buildings in New\nYork?\n\nGEORGE\nHave you seen the new addition to the\nGuggenheim?\n\nLOIS\nYou did that?\n\nGEORGE\nYep. And it didn't take very long either.\n\nJERRY\nWell you've really built yourself up\ninto something.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, well, I had a dream, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nWell, one cannot help( but wonder what\nbrings you into a crummy little coffee\nshop like this.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I like to stay in touch with the\npeople.\n\nJERRY\nAh, you know you have a hole in your\nsneaker there. What is that canvas?\n\nGEORGE\nYou know my driver's waiting, I really\nshould get running. Good to see you\nguys again.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, George, hang on. I haven't seen\nyou in so long.\n\nGEORGE\nHa, uh,\n\nJERRY\nI thought we might reminisce a little\nmore. You know Duncan and I were just\ntaking about the big race.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, the big race.\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nYes, yes,.\n\nLOIS\nYou were there?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, sure, surely was. Yeah, I'll remember\nthat day. Well I'll never forget it\nbecause that was the day that I uh,\nlost my virginity to Miss. Stafford,\nthe uh, voluptuous home room teacher.\n\nDUNCAN\nMiss Stafford?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, yes, you know I was in detention\nand she came up behind me while I was\nerasing the blackboard ...\n\nJERRY\nGeorge!\n\nGEORGE\nBut I digress. Let me see, now. You\nwere standing at one end of the line\nand I was right next to you. And I remember\nwe were even for like, the first five\nyards and then, BOOM,...You were gone.\n\nJERRY\nDid I get a head start?\n\nGEORGE\nHead start, oh no absolutely not.\n\nJERRY\nYou satisfied? So you see?\n\nDUNCAN\nNo, I'm still not convinced and I never\nwill be.\n\nLOIS\nWhy don't the two of you just race again?\n\nDUNCAN\nThat's a good idea.\n\nJERRY\nNo, no, no, another race - out of the\nquestion.\n\nDUNCAN\nI know, you've been saying that for\ntwenty years because you know you can't\nbeat me. You couldn't beat me then and\nyou can't beat me now.\n\nLOIS\nRace him Jerry. Race him.\n\nJERRY\nAll right! I'll do it. The race is on.\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nELAINE\n... shut up! (?)\n\nJERRY\nAnd he's calling all these people from\nHigh School to come and watch. I knew\nthis day would come. I can't do it.\nI can't go through with it. I'm calling\nit off. I can't let the legend die.\nIt's like a kid finding out there's\nno Santa Claus\n\n(Street)\n\nKRAMER\nEach according to his ability, to each\naccording to his needs.\n\nMICKEY\nWhat does that mean?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, if you've got needs and abilities\nthat's a pretty good combination.\n\nMICKEY\nSo what if I want to open up a delicatessen?\n\nKRAMER\nThere are no delicatessens under Communism.\n\nMICKEY\nWhy not?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, because the meats are divided\ninto a class system. You got Pastrami\nand Corned Beef in one class and Salami\nand Bologna in another. That's not right.\n\nMICKEY\nSo you can't get Corned Beef?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you know, if you're in the Politburo,\nmaybe.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nGEORGE\n(on phone) . It's George Costanza. .\nare there any messages for me? Why does\nMr. Steinbrenner want to see me in his\noffice? ... Communist? I'm not a Communist\n... . All right, all right. All right,\nI'll be there. - ( hangs up ) My secretary\nAda, told Mr Steinbrenner I'm a Communist\nNow he wants to see me\n\nin his office.\n\nJERRY\nSo you'll just explain to him you're\nnot a Communist.\n\nYou just called the woman for a date.\n\n(Phone rings)\n\nJERRY\nHello, oh hi Duncan, 4:00 o'clock tomorrow?\nThat is not\n\ngoing to work... . Why? I'll tell you why. Because I chose\nnot to run!\n\n(Elaine's Apartment)\n\nNED\nI'm sorry Elaine. The shirt's too fancy.\n\nELAINE\nJust because you're a communist, does\nthat mean you can't wear anything nice?\nYou look like Trotsky. It's gorgeous.\nFine, you want to be a Communist, be\na Communist. Can't you at least look\nlike a successful Communist?\n\nNED\nAll right, I'll try it on.\n\nELAINE\nI'm going to order Chinese Food.\n\nNED\nYou're ordering from Hop Sing's, right?\n\nELAINE\nUgh, does it have to be Hop Sing's.\nI kind of had a fight with him.\n\nNED\nElaine, when my father was black listed\nhe couldn't work for years. He and his\nfriends used to sit at Hop Sing's every\nday figuring out how to survive.\n\nELAINE\nYou're father was blacklisted?\n\nNED\nYes he was, and you know why? Because\nhe was betrayed by people he trusted.\nThey \"named names\".\n\nELAINE\nOkay, okay. (phones) Um, yeah, hi, I'd\nlike delivery please to 16 West 75th\nSt. apartment 2G.\n\nLEW\nI know that address. You're Benes, right.\nYou're on our list. No more delivery.\n\nELAINE\nNo. no, she doesn't live here anymore.\nThis is someone else.\n\nLEW\nOh, yeah. What's the name?\n\nELAINE\nWhy do you need the name? You already\nhave the address.\n\nLEW\nWe need a name. Give us a name.\n\nELAINE\nOkay, okay, Ned Isakoff.\n\n(Coleman's Department Store)\n\nKID\nI want a racing car set.\n\nKRAMER\nHo ho ho ho A racing car set! Those\nare assembled in Tai Wan by kids like\nyou. And these Coleman pigs, they sell\nit at triple the cost.\n\nKID\nBut I want a racing car set.\n\nKRAMER\nYou see kid, you're being bamboozaled.\nThese capatalist fat cats are inflating\nthe profit margin and reducing your\ntotal number of toys.\n\nKID\nHey, this guy's a COMMIE!\n\nMICKEY\nHey, kid, quiet. Were did a nice little\nboy like you learn such a bad word like\nthat? Huh?\n\nKID\nCommie, Commie, Commie ... (unknown)\n.\n\nMICKEY\nSanta is not a Commie. He just forgot\nhow his good friend stuck his neck out\nfor him to get him a good job like this.\nDidn't he Santa!\n\nSTORE MANAGER\nIs there a problem here?\n\nKRAMER\nho ho ho ho.\n\nKID\nThis guy's a Commie. He's spreading\npropoganda.\n\nSTORE MANAGER\nOh yeah? Well that's enough pinko! You're\nthrough. The both of ya'\n\nMICKEY\nI got two kids in college.\n\nKRAMER\nYou can't fire me, I'm Santa Claus.\n\nSTORE MANAGER\nNot anymore. Get your skinny ass out\nof here.\n\n(Jerry's Car)\n\nJERRY\nHi how are you?\n\nLOIS\n... Fine.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's the matter?\n\nLOIS\nI just spoke to Duncan. He said if you\ndon't race, he's going to fire me.\n\nJERRY\nWhat? He can't do that.\n\nLOIS\nYes he can. He controls the means of\nproduction. What are you going to do\nJerry?\n\nJERRY\nDon't worry Lois. I'll think of something.\n\n(Elaine's Apartment)\n\nLEW\nAh, I knew it was you! You tried to\ntrick Hop Sing! You are onour list;\nElaine Benes! And now you are on our\nlist; Ned Isakoff.\n\nNED\nYou got me blacklisted from Hop Sing's?\n\nLEW\nShe named name!\n\n(Steinbrenner's Office)\n\nGEORGE\nYou, uh, wanted to see me, Mr. Steinbrenner?\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nYes George, I did. Come in, come in.\nGeorge, the wordaround the office is\nthat you're a Communist.\n\nGEORGE\nC-Communist? I am a Yankee, sir, first\nand foremost.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nYou know George, it struck me today\nme that a Communistpipeline into the\nvast reservoir of Cuban baseball talent\ncould be thegreatest thing ever to happen\nto this organization.\n\nGEORGE\nSir?\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nYou could be invaluable to this franchise.\nGeorge,\n\nthere's a southpaw down there nobody's been able to get a look\nat;\n\nsomething Rodriguez, I don't really know his name. You get yourselfdown\nto Havana right away.\n\nGEORGE\nYes, sir. Yes sir, do my best.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nGood, Merry Christmas George. And bring\nme back some of those cigars in the\ncedar boxes, you know the ones with\nthe fancy rings? I love those fancy\nrings. They kind of distract you while\nyou're smoking. The red and yellow are\nnice. It looks good against the brown\nof the cigar. The Maduro, I like the\nMaduro wrapper. The darker the better,\nthat's what I say. Of course, the Claro's\ngood too. That's more of a pale brown,\nalmost like a milky coffee. (George\nexits) I find the ring size very confusing.\nThey have it in centimeters which I\ndon't really understand that well...\n\n(On the Street)\n\nMICKEY\nThat was quick! Nice job, Santa!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah,\n\nMICKEY\nI knew that Commie stuff was going to\nget us in trouble.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well I didn't realize that was\nsuch a sensitive issue.\n\nMICKEY\nCommunism, You didn't realize Communism\nwas a sensitive issue? What do you think\nhas been going on in the world for the\npast 60 years? Wake up and smell the\ncoffee.\n\nK I guess I screwed up!\n\nMICKEY\nYou sure did. Big time.\n\n(Street - race begins)\n\nELAINE\nHow do you feel?\n\nJERRY\nI need a miracle.\n\nDUNCAN\nNow you're going to see what kind of\nliar you're mixed up with.\n\nLOIS\nIf he beats you I want a big raise.\n\nDUNCAN\nIf he beats me, I'll not only give you\na raise, I'll send you to Hawaii for\ntwo weeks.\n\nKRAMER\nI parked in front of that restaurant\n. As soon as this race is over I got\nto go to the airport.\n\nGEORGE\nOkay, all right, all right.\n\nMR. BEVILACQUA\nYou ready boys?\n\nJERRY\nYes, Mr. Beviacqua\n\nMR. BEVILACQUA\nOkay, this is hoiw it works. You take\nyour marks, I say, READY - ON YOUR MARK\n- GET SET - and then fire. You got it?\n\nDUNCAN\nand JERRY: Yes Mr. Bevilacqua.\n\n(Kramer enters his car)\n\n(Mr. Bevilacqua raises gun)\n\nMR. BEVILACQUA\nREADY - ON YOUR MARK\n\n(Kramer's car backfires)\n\n(Jerry is off early and wins the race - the crowd goes crazy\n- )\n\nLOIS\nSo will you come to Hawaii with me Jerry?\n\nJERRY\nMaybe I will, Lois. Maybe I will.\n\n(Jerry winks at camera like in the Superman movie)\n\n(Havana)\n\n(George enters Castro's office (like Steinbrenner)\n\nGEORGE\nYou wanted to see me, El Presidente?\n\nCASTRO\nSi, si. (a Spanish word I can't figure\nout) Come here.\n\nI understand you are very interested in one of our players, eh?\n\nGEORGE\nSi, si.\n\nCASTRO\nOrdinarily I would not grant such a\nrequest but I've heard you\n\nare, uh, how you say, Communista simpatico, eh?\n\nGEORGE\nMuy sumpatico. Muy muy muy.\n\nCASTRO\nWell good, then you can have your pick.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, oh!\n\nCASTRO\nThey will play for your Yankees.\n\nGEORGE\nOh well, gracias El Commandante, gracias.\nMuy muy.\n\nCASTRO\nAnd I would be honored if you would\nbe my guest for dinner tonight at the\nPresidential palace. There will be girls\nthere and, I hear, some pretty good\nfood. Of course the problem with parties\nis you invariably have to eat standing\nup which I don't care for but on the\nother hand I don't like to balance a\nplate on my lap either. Once when I\nwas at a party, I put my plate on someone's\npiano. I assure you, if I had not been\na dictator, I would not have been able\nto get away with that one.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Scofflaw.html",
    "text": "THE SCOFFLAW\n\nWritten by\n\nPeter Mehlman\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nThe big new accessory with eyeglasses,\nseems to be that strap, that connects\nin the back so you can take 'em on and\noff. Which I don't get, because I thought,\nif you have glasses, isn't that because\nyou need to wear glasses? 'You need\nglasses', isn't that what they say?\nI mean, an eye doctor doesn't say 'Would\nyou care for some glasses?' When people\nhave crutches, they don't havelike a\nlittle chain attached to their belt,\nso they can just let go of 'em every\nnow and then. Why not get a toupee with\na rubber band for when you're water-skiing,\nthe thing could just... (mimes semi-airborne\nwig with hand)\n\n(Street)\n\nGeorge hurrying along, he passes Gary who recognises him.\n\nGARY\nHey George.\n\nGEORGE\nGary? Well, well, well well. Where the\nhell've you been? I've been\n\nleaving you phone messages for months.\n\nGARY\nI know. I've been pretty busy.\n\nGEORGE\nBusy. Don't give me busy. Who's not\nbusy? I'm busy, we're all busy,\n\neverybody's busy. All right, tell me, what's kept you so busy?\n\nGARY\nMostly chemotherapy. 'Kay, I'll see\nyou.\n\n(Different Street)\n\nA cop, with an eye patch, is writing a ticket for a car. Kramer\nis about to cross\n\nthe street. He waits for a car to pass. As it passes, a tray\nof litter is tossed\n\nfrom its window and lands near Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\n(to car as it accelerates away) Hey\npig!\n\nThe cop hears this and turns to see who said it. As he does so,\nthe car he is\n\nticketing starts up and speeds away.\n\nCOP\n(at car) Hey! Hey! Hey!\n\nKramer takes advantage of the distraction to run away.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJERRY\nSo you called the cop a pig?\n\nKRAMER\nI was yelling at the litterbug. I mean\nthis is my town. You don't throw\n\ntrash on the streets of my town.\n\nJERRY\nDidn't you explain that to the cop?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, I fled the scene.\n\nGeorge enters. He looks disquieted.\n\nJERRY\n(to George) Hey.\n\nKRAMER\n(to George) Hey buddy.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, uh...\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nKramer, I, I, I, uh, I need to talk\nto Jerry privately.\n\nKRAMER\nOh. What about?\n\nGEORGE\nKramer...\n\nKRAMER\nAw come on George, you can share it\nwith me, huh?\n\nKramer grabs George in a headlock.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, you're hurting me!\n\nKRAMER\nYou gonna share it with me next time,\nhuh?\n\nGEORGE\nI swear, I swear!\n\nKRAMER\nAw, all right, I'm looking forward to\nit.\n\nHe releases George from the headlock and exits, but he closes\nthe door slowly\n\nand can be seen peering in through the decreasing gap until it\nfinally shuts\n\ncompletely. Jerry and George watch him until the door is closed.\n\nGEORGE\nRight, I got news. You ready? (deep\nbreath) Gary Fogel had cancer.\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah, I knew.\n\nGEORGE\nYou knew? How did you know?\n\nJERRY\nHe told me a few months ago.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy did he tell you and not me?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know.\n\nGEORGE\nHow are you closer to him than me?\n\nJerry shrugs.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, is he okay?\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah, he's fine, fine. He was in\nbad shape for a while though.\n\nGEORGE\nHuh, really? How bad? Was he on his\ndeath bed?\n\nJERRY\nNo, he was on his regular bed.\n\nGEORGE\nSo why didn't you tell me?\n\nJERRY\nHe swore me to secrecy.\n\nGEORGE\nSo?\n\nJERRY\nIt's not like you're my wife.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I still think you shoulda told\nme.\n\nJERRY\nHey, believe me, you were better off\nnot knowing. It's not easy to deal\n\nwith someone in a situation like this. I was so nice to him I\nalmost made myself\n\nsick.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I wanna talk to him about this.\n\nJERRY\nThat's right, you let him have it.\n\nGEORGE\nMmm-mm.\n\nJERRY\nWho is he not to tell you about his\nlife-threatening illness?\n\nGEORGE\nThat's what I'm saying.\n\nJERRY\nHis illness is your business.\n\nGEORGE\nIf not mine, whose?\n\nJERRY\nIf not now, when?\n\nThe door opens and Elaine enters. She senses a conversation has\njust ceased.\n\nELAINE\nWere you just talking about me?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, an old friend of ours, Gary.\n\nELAINE\nOh, the guy with cancer?\n\nGEORGE\n(to Jerry, yelling) You told her? She's\nnot your wife!\n\nJERRY\nIf I told you, you woulda given it away.\n\nGEORGE\nYou don't think I can keep a secret?\n\nJERRY\nNo, but he would've read your face.\n\nGEORGE\nYou don't trust my poker face?\n\nJERRY\nDo you ever win at poker?\n\nGEORGE\n(shamefaced) No.\n\nDoor opens and Kramer enters. He sees Elaine.\n\nKRAMER\nHey. (to Elaine) Oh, I just saw your\nold boyfriend on TV.\n\nELAINE\nEgh, Jake Jarmel?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. I really liked those glasses he\nwas wearing. Where'd he get those.\n\nELAINE\nWhy? You don't wear glasses.\n\nKRAMER\nI know, I know. But I need a new look,\nI'm stagnating.\n\nGEORGE\nI have to say, as a glasses wearer I\ntake exception to that. That's like\n\nme buying a wheelchair to cruise around in.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I've considered that. (to Elaine)\nLook, how do I get in touch with\n\nthis guy?\n\nELAINE\nWell, he's having a two day book signing\nat Waldens.\n\nKRAMER\nAh.\n\nELAINE\nYou know, we had a really bad break-up.\n\nJERRY\nThe Jujy Fruits?\n\nELAINE\n(upset) Yeah, the Jujy Fruits.\n\n(Waldenbooks)\n\nA queue of people wait to have their hardbacks signed by Jake\nJarmel, who sits\n\nat a table, wearing spectacles with dark oval frames. Kramer\nis having his copy\n\nsigned.\n\nJAKE\nOkay, K-Man, enjoy the book.\n\nKRAMER\nOkay, thank you. Listen Jake, uh, where\ndid you get those eyeglass\n\nframes?\n\nJAKE\nI can't tell you that.\n\nKRAMER\nSo you don't know where you got 'em?\n\nJAKE\nYes I do. But I don't want anyone else\nto have them.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, that's peculiar. (leaves)\n\n(Monk's)\n\nGeorge and Gary sit in a booth. Among the other customers is\nan attractive woman\n\nsitting in the corner, reading a book.\n\nGEORGE\nEh, there's that woman that never talks\nto anybody.\n\nGARY\nReally?\n\nGEORGE\nEvery day she comes in, she sits at\nthat table and reads. Never talks to\n\nanybody.\n\nGARY\nOh, I talked to Debby Bibelo. She said\nto say hi.\n\nGEORGE\n(pleasant surprise) Really? (admonishing)\nYou know Gary, I really have\n\nto say, I'm a little bit hurt that you didn't decide to confide\nin me.\n\nGARY\nWell frankly, you can't keep a secret.\nYou know, you'd get two pair, the\n\nwhole table knows.\n\nGEORGE\nWell I still think it was wrong.\n\nGARY\nRight, well I'm sorry, all right. I\nguess I was just thinking of myself.\n\nGEORGE\n(well, obviously) Yes.\n\n(Another street)\n\nKramer is talking to the eyepatch-wearing cop.\n\nKRAMER\n...so I called the litterbug a pig,\nnot you. I like policeman. I wanted\n\nto be a policeman.\n\nCOP\nYeah? So why didn't you?\n\nKRAMER\nScared of being shot.\n\nCOP\nMr Kramer, let me tell you a story.\nIn nineteen-seventy-nine I ticketed\na\n\nbrown Dodge Diplomat for parking in a Church zone. That fine\nwas never paid, and\n\nsince then that scofflaw has piled up more parking tickets than\nanyone in New\n\nYork City. For sixteen years I pursued him, only to see him give\nme the slip\n\ntime and time again. I never got a clean look at his face, but\nhe's become my\n\n'white whale'. Mr Kramer, that day was yesterday! But thanks\nto you, I don't\n\nknow if I'll ever get that chance again!\n\nKRAMER\nI like that eye patch.\n\n(Monks')\n\nGEORGE\n(standing) All right, I'm gonna move\nmy car, my meter's up. Can't park in\n\nthis city.\n\nGARY\n(standing) Hey, George, listen. You\nknow that company I work for, they own\n\nthat parking lot around the corner.\n\nGEORGE\nWha, that's a Kinney lot?\n\nGARY\nYeah, and there's a space opening up,\nand I could get it for you. You just\n\nhave to pay the tax on it. It'd be like, fifty a month.\n\nGEORGE\nFifty bucks a month, that's incredible!\nOkay, thanks.\n\nGARY\nAll right, I got lunch, all right.\n\nGEORGE\nYou still owe me a secret.\n\nGARY\nAll right, listen. There is something\nI haven't told you, all right?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah?\n\nGARY\nYeah, but uhm, you can't tell Jerry.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat do think I tell Jerry everything?\nIt's not like he's my wife.\n\nGARY\nOkay. Well, the thing is, I've been\nliving a lie.\n\nGEORGE\nJust one? I'm living like twenty. (chuckles)\nWhat's yours?\n\nGARY\nWell, I (laughs) I never actually had\ncancer. (laughs) I'll see you.\n\n(leaves)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nKramer and Jerry sit on the couch, Elaine in the chair. Kramer\nand Elaine are\n\ntalking, Jerry reads a magazine.\n\nELAINE\nSo he refused to tell you where he got\nthe glasses?\n\nKRAMER\n(rising) Flat out refused! (walks past\nJerry, who moves his legs)\n\nELAINE\nYeah, isn't that just like him? (she\nsteps over Jerry's legs) You know,\n\nhe has to be the only one who has 'em.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, tell me about it, soul sister.\n(he opens the door to leave)\n\nAnyway, I told Jake that you said hi.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? (she slams the door shut before\nKramer can exit) You told Jake I\n\nsaid hi?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nI can't believe you did that! Why did\nyou tell him I said hi? I never\n\nsaid hi! (to Jerry) When did I say hi?\n\nJERRY\nI never heard her say hi.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, it's uh, common courtesy.\n\nELAINE\nNo, no. (stamps foot) Kramer, you don't\nunderstand. He made the last\n\ncontact between us. I had the upper hand in the post-breakup\nrelationship. If he\n\nthinks that I said hi, then I lose the upper hand.\n\nJERRY\nIt's like a game of tag.\n\nElaine gathers her stuff together, ready to leave.\n\nJERRY\nWhere you going?\n\nELAINE\nNowhere.\n\nJERRY\nYou're going to the book store to see\nJake Jarmel, aren't you?\n\nELAINE\nSo what if I do? (heads for the door)\n\nKRAMER\n(to the exiting Elaine) Yeah, well,\nlisten. If you're going there,\n\n(following her out the door) maybe you can get him to tell you\nwhere he got\n\nthose glasses. (shouting after her) Elaine!\n\nGeorge enters as Kramer and Elaine leave. He closes the door\nbehind him.\n\nJERRY\nHey. How'd it go with Gary?\n\nGEORGE\n(shifty, avoiding Jerry's eyes) Fine,\nfine. (he removes his coat)\n\nJERRY\n(suspicious) Really?\n\nGEORGE\n(shifty) Yeah.\n\nJERRY\nYou look like something's on your mind.\n\nGEORGE\nNo. Nothing. Fine. (he sits at the table)\n\nJERRY\nSo, that's your poker face.\n\nGEORGE\nMy regular face.\n\nJERRY\nNo it isn't. I've seen your regular\nface. That is not it.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you saying?\n\nJERRY\nAll right George, c'mon, what d'you\ngot? (sits opposite George)\n\nGEORGE\nI got nothing.\n\nJERRY\nWhat you got, a pair of bullets?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat you talking about?\n\nJERRY\nTwo pair? Three of a kind?\n\nGEORGE\nWill you stop it?\n\nJERRY\nOh my God, you got a flush! You're holding\na flush!\n\nGEORGE\nI don't have a flush.\n\nJERRY\nA full house? You got a full house?\nTurn 'em over George, I wanna see\n\n'em. Come on, I'm calling! (thumps hand on table) What d'you\ngot!\n\nGEORGE\n(broken, shouts) Gary Fogel never had\ncancer!\n\n(Waldenbooks)\n\nJake Jarmel is at the same table as before. Elaine is talking\nto him. There are\n\nother people queuing behind her.\n\nELAINE\nSo you see, Kramer took it upon himself\nto say hi to you from me. When\n\nin fact it was an unauthorised hi.\n\nJAKE\nYou're saying you didn't say hi.\n\nELAINE\nThat's what I'm saying.\n\nJAKE\nSo that's what you came down here to\ntell me?\n\nELAINE\nCorrect.\n\nJAKE\nYou never said hi?\n\nELAINE\nCorrect.\n\nJAKE\nYou still like me, don't you?\n\nELAINE\nCorrect. (catches herself) What's that?\n\nMAN\nHey, I have been trying to get this\nbook signed all day.\n\nELAINE\n(takes the book from the guy and signs\nit herself) How can you say that\n\nI still like you, when I didn't even say hi to you?\n\nJAKE\nElaine, coming down here to say that\nyou didn't say hi is more of a\n\ngesture than if you did say hi.\n\nELAINE\nAh, Jake... (realises his logic) I,\nuh...\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nGEORGE\nThe doctors thought he had cancer, but\nthe surgery revealed he never\n\nactually had it.\n\nJERRY\nSo what was wrong with him?\n\nGEORGE\nNothing!\n\nJERRY\nSo he's been lying to me for two months?!\n\nGEORGE\nThat's right.\n\nJERRY\nWhat kind of person is this? There's\nonly one other person who might be\n\nable to do something like this, and that's you.\n\nGEORGE\nWell...\n\nJERRY\nI don't even think you could do it.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, I could do it.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I guess you could.\n\nGEORGE\n(snorts) C'mon.\n\nJERRY\nDid you know he was so worried about\nlosing more hair if he had to get\n\nchemo treatment, I bought him an unlimited gift certificate at\nthe Hair Team For\n\nMen, just to put his mind at ease?\n\nGEORGE\nYou did that?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Oh, I can't wait to talk to this\nguy. (moves to pick up phone)\n\nGEORGE\nWait a minute, wait a minute. You can't\nsay anything. (rushes to take\n\nphone from Jerry)\n\nJERRY\nWhy not?\n\nGEORGE\n(puts down handset) Because he'll know\nI told you. Besides, he's giving\n\nme a parking spot around the corner for practically nothing.\n\nJERRY\nSo you're telling me, because you're\ngetting free parking, I gotta\n\npretend this guy had cancer when he didn't?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nWell I don't like it. I don't like it\none bit! And, I'm supposed to see\n\nhim tomorrow.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, well you have to maintain the\nsame disposition too. You can't\n\nstart acting any differently. You have to be nice.\n\nJERRY\nWhy didn't he tell me?\n\nGEORGE\nBecause you were being so nice.\n\nJERRY\nI don't think I can be that nice.\n\nGEORGE\n(shouts) You be nice!\n\nGeorge and Jerry turn their backs to other and angrily stalk\naway from each\n\nother.\n\n(Monk's)\n\nJerry enters. He looks around for Gary, and does a double-take\nas he see him\n\nsitting in a booth, wearing a wig.\n\nJERRY\nGary?\n\nGARY\nWhat d'you think? Check it out. (he\ntries a number of expressions, turning\n\nhis head side to side, to show off the hairpiece)\n\nJERRY\nIs that from my gift certificate?\n\nGARY\nYeah buddy. You really came through\nfor me man. You've been so nice.\n\n(shakes Jerry by the hand)\n\nJERRY\n(through gritted teeth) Yeah, well,\nI'm glad you could take advantage.\n\nGARY\nHey, you know what I'm thinking of doing?\nI'm getting rid of all my\n\nfillings, 'cos that mercury's toxic. Hey, let me see your fillings.\n\nJERRY\nI don't think so.\n\nGARY\nOh come on, open up. Let me take a look.\n\nJerry can be seen struggling against his instincts. He hears\nGeorge's words from\n\nearlier.\n\nGEORGE\nYou be nice! He's giving me a parking\nspace (echoes) parking\n\nspace... parking space...\n\nJerry leans forward and opens his mouth, but he's not happy about\nit.\n\nGARY\n(peering in) Well, what d'you know.\nHey, lookee there, you're loaded.\n\nJERRY\nOkay. (shuts mouth)\n\nGARY\nHey, look who's over there. Miss Cool-toes.\nCheck this out, Jack! (rises)\n\nKramer enters. He's wearing an eyepatch like the cop's.\n\nKRAMER\n(to Jerry) Hey buddy.\n\nJERRY\nHey. Look at you. Wha... what's this?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's an eyepatch.\n\nJERRY\nYou look like a pirate.\n\nKRAMER\nI wanna be a pirate.\n\nJERRY\n(gesturing) This is Gary.\n\nKRAMER\n(to Gary) How you doing?\n\nGARY\nAll right.\n\nKramer goes to shake Gary by the hand, but due to his impaired\nvision, he misses\n\nby several inches at the first attempt. He lifts the patch up\nto restore his\n\ndepth perception. They shake, and Gary leaves to talk to the\n'girl who never\n\ntalks'. Kramer moves to sit in the vacant seat.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I tell you there's only one problem.\n\nKramer sits down, misjudges the seat and almost slides under\nthe table. He\n\nupsets plates and glasses.\n\nJERRY\nCan't see on your right side?\n\nKRAMER\nNo. It's uh, (swaps patch to the other\neye) it's itchy\n\n(George's car)\n\nDEBBY\nNice car.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Once belonged to Jon Voight.\n\nDEBBY\nSo, what made you just call me out of\nthe blue like that?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, well, uh. Gary told me you said\nhi.\n\nDEBBY\nI didn't say hi.\n\nGEORGE\nYou didn't?\n\nDEBBY\nUh, no. I told him to send you my regards.\nI didn't say hi.\n\nGEORGE\nRegards?\n\nDEBBY\nYeah, regards.\n\n(Cab)\n\nELAINE\nAnyway, I admit I was dumb to go to\nthe bookstore to tell him I didn't\n\nsay hi, but he didn't have to act so smug. Oh, I hate smugness.\nDon't you hate\n\nsmugness?\n\nCABBIE\n(heavy accent) Smugness is not a good\nquality.\n\nELAINE\n(looking out of window) Oh my God. That\nman over there. I think he's\n\nwearing glasses that look just like Jake's. Pull over, stop the\ncar. (hands\n\nmoney to cabbie as she exits) Here, here. I think I got a way\nof getting back at\n\nmy ex-boyfriend.\n\nCABBIE\nGood. Revenge is very good.\n\n(Street)\n\nElaine is running after a guy who is indeed wearing identical\nspectacles to Mr\n\nJarmel.\n\nELAINE\n(calling down street) 'Scuse me! 'Scuse\nme. (catches up to guy) Excuse\n\nme, sir. Sir?\n\nGUY\nYes?\n\nELAINE\nUh. Ah, if you don't mind my asking,\ncould you tell me where you got\n\nyour glasses?\n\nGUY\nMalaysia.\n\nELAINE\nMalaysia?\n\nGUY\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nUhm, look, I know this'll sound odd,\nbut can I buy them from you?\n\nGUY\nActually, I was gonna buy a new pair.\n\nELAINE\n(positive) Oh! (little chuckle)\n\nGUY\nBut I, I can barely see without these.\n\nELAINE\nC'mon.\n\nGUY\nWell, these were expensive.\n\nELAINE\nLet's start the bidding.\n\n(George's car)\n\nGEORGE\nSo, you didn't think this was a date?\n\nDEBBY\nN... no, not really. Why, is it... a\ndate?\n\nGEORGE\nI thought it was a date.\n\nDEBBY\nNo. It's not a date.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about the regards?\n\nDEBBY\nRegards don't mean anything. I mean,\nit's not like I said hi. Hey, the\n\nfact is... (sighs) I shouldn't say anything.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, tell me.\n\nDEBBY\nCan you keep a secret?\n\nGEORGE\nMe? Oh yeah.\n\nDEBBY\n(deep breath) I never had feelings for\nGary until he got sick. But, h...\n\nhe was so brave and... and gained such a wonderful perspective\non life. I... I\n\nfell in love with him.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, the guy's got some perspective there.\n\n(Monk's)\n\nJerry and Kramer in their booth.\n\nJERRY\nHey, do you know what the Whip does?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat whip?\n\nJERRY\nThe Whip. In the Senate, in the House.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you know in the old days, when\nthe senators didn't vote the way\n\nthat the party leaders wanted 'em to... they whipped them. (holds\nimaginary\n\nwhip) You better vote the way we want you to, or there's gonna\nbe big trouble.\n\n(cracks invisible whip and makes sound effect)\n\nGary returns from talking to the 'girl who never talks'.\n\nGARY\nShe won't talk to anyone, huh? Oh no,\nshe won't say a word to anybody.\n\nWell, she's talking a blue streak now, Jack!\n\n(Street)\n\nThe eye patch-wearing cop spots a familiar Dodge.\n\nCOP\nWell, well. The 'white whale'.\n\nHe moves in for the kill.\n\n(George's car)\n\nGEORGE\n(frustrated) Oh, look at this. There's\nno place to park around here. I\n\ndon't even know why they sell cars in Manhattan.\n\nDEBBY\nDon't complain, at least you have your\nhealth.\n\n(Street)\n\nThe guy Elaine bought the glasses from is peering blurrily about.\nIt's clear he\n\ncan barely see anything. He steps between cars and out into the\nroad.\n\n(George's car)\n\nDEBBY\nGeorge, look out for that man!\n\n(Monk's)\n\nThe sound of tires squealing is heard from outside, followed\nimmediately by the\n\ncrash of cars colliding. Kramer leaps to his feet and heads out\nto investigate.\n\n(Street)\n\nThe cop has obviously been distracted by the same noises whilst\nwriting a\n\nticket. The scofflaw has taken advantage, and the Dodge squeals\naway, passing\n\nKramer as he emerges from Monk's.\n\nCOP\n(to escaping car) Hey! Hey, get back\nhere!\n\nKRAMER\n(looking after fleeing car) Newman!\nThe white whale!\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nGEORGE\nCan you believe he sold his glasses\non the street?\n\nJERRY\nCan you believe someone would lie about\nchemotherapy to get a wig? Would\n\nyou do that?\n\nGEORGE\nNo. Definitely not.\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm pretty sure I wouldn't.\n\nJERRY\nAnd you know what else? He picked up\nthat woman in the coffee shop.\n\nGEORGE\nThe one who always sits by herself?\n\nJERRY\nYeah!\n\nGEORGE\nHow did he do that?\n\nJERRY\nBecause he was brimming with confidence\nfrom the toupee.\n\nGEORGE\nReally? And Debby told me that she fell\nin love with him because he has\n\nall this perspective!\n\nJERRY\nShe thinks a guy who lies about a life-threatening\nillness, so he can get\n\nsome phony hair has perspective?\n\nGEORGE\n(opening door to leave) He picked her\nup?\n\nJERRY\nWalked right over to her table.\n\nGEORGE\nWow. (he runs his fingers through his\nhair, and then brushes the\n\nresulting fallout off his jacket)\n\n(Waldenbooks)\n\nJake still at the signing table. People still queuing. Elaine\nskips past the\n\nqueue.\n\nELAINE\nJake, Jake. Take a look. (puts on the\nframes she bought) Aaw, see,\n\nyou're not the only one who has 'em. I have them too.\n\nJAKE\nWhere did you get those?\n\nELAINE\nMalaysia. I was in the area.\n\nJake thumps the desk in frustrated rage.\n\n(Newman's car)\n\nNewman is sitting alone. The door opens and Kramer jumps in.\n\nNEWMAN\n(surprised) Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nJust drive.\n\nNewman puts the car in gear and sets off.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right. Now you listen, and you listen\ngood. I know who you are. You're\n\nthe scofflaw.\n\nNEWMAN\n(defensive) What're you talking about...\n\nKRAMER\n(interrupting) Ah, don't play dumb.\nIt's me, Cosmo.\n\nNEWMAN\nAll right, so it's me. So what?\n\nKRAMER\nYou don't think I know how you're feeling,\nevery second of the day?\n\nLooking over your shoulder to see if someone's coming up from\nbehind. Sitting\n\nalone at night, knowing they could be closing in.\n\nNEWMAN\nI can't sleep, I tell you! I can't sleep!\n\nKRAMER\nGa, of course you can't, you poor sap!\nNow why didn't you tell me?\n\nNEWMAN\nI couldn't. I couldn't tell anyone.\n\nKRAMER\nSo you been living this secret the whole\ntime by yourself?\n\nNEWMAN\n(sobbing) Yes, it's been awful. I wanted\nto tell somebody. (pleading)\n\nHelp me Kramer! Help me!\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, all right, I'm gonna help\nyou.\n\n(Street)\n\nGeorge and Jerry, walking together.\n\nGEORGE\nI'll try some on and see how they look.\nIt's just hair.\n\nJERRY\nYou ever see what that thing looks like\nin the back? You got your natural\n\nlittle curls on the bottom, and then that big phony mat coming\ndown on top of\n\n'em.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, some of 'em look good. The ones\nthat look good you don't even know\n\nabout.\n\nJERRY\nWhat if you get involved with a woman?\nHow're you gonna tell her?\n\nGEORGE\nThe way they make 'em these days, I'll\nnever have to tell her.\n\nJERRY\nSo you keep it a secret your whole life,\nthen at your funeral the\n\nmortician comes out (as mortician) 'Here, Mrs Costanza, I thought\nyou might want\n\nthis'. (as Mrs Costanza, horrified) Aahh!\n\n(Monk's)\n\nElaine and Mr Lippman, sitting in a booth.\n\nLIPPMAN\nIt's no secret that it's my dream to\nhave my own publishing house, and\n\nif this Jake Jarmel book does, you know, what I think it's gonna\ndo. If I can\n\nget this whole thing off the ground, then, you know, I think\nI'll have\n\nsomething for you. (laughs)\n\nELAINE\nOh, Mr Lippman. (joins laughter) That\nis so exciting. I mean, you have\n\nno idea how sick I am of running around town looking for socks.\n\nLIPPMAN\nYeah, by the way, those are great glasses.\n\nELAINE\nOh really, you like 'em?\n\nLIPPMAN\nUh huh. Very unusual.\n\nELAINE\nWell, you know what? (removes glasses)\n\nLIPPMAN\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\n(hands them over) You can have 'em.\n\nLIPPMAN\nOh, no no no. (waves them away) Please.\n\nELAINE\nNo no no no. Go to that place on the\ncorner, they'll change the\n\nprescription in an hour. Take 'em.\n\nLIPPMAN\nReally?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I've no use for them anymore.\nHonestly.\n\nLIPPMAN\n(accepting) I could use a new pair of\nreading glasses.\n\nELAINE\nThey're from Malaysia.\n\nLIPPMAN\n(putting on spectacles) Oh yeah?\n\nELAINE\n(admiring gasp) Fabulous.\n\n(Courtroom)\n\nNewman stands before a female Judge. Kramer stands beside him.\nThere are the\n\nusual personnel for a courtroom.\n\nJUDGE\nWell Mr Newman, in all my years on the\nbench, I have never come across\n\nanything quite like this. I have given this matter some very\nserious\n\nconsideration and I've decided that what's best for the city\nand possibly for\n\nyourself, is for you to keep your car, in a garage...\n\nNewman bursts into anguished tears.\n\nJUDGE\n...convenient to your home.\n\nNEWMAN\n(sobbing) I can't afford that!\n\nJUDGE\nAfford it you will, Mr Newman. Or this\ncourt will see that your car is\n\nimpounded...\n\nNewman's sobbing reaches new heights.\n\nJUDGE\n...and sold at auction.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, don't you worry, your honour.\nHe's in my custody.\n\nThe judge peers at Kramer. She does not look impressed by this\nstatement.\n\n(Hair Team For Men)\n\nGeorge, Jerry and a Salesman, wearing a substandard toupee, are\nin a fitting\n\nroom (?). George is sitting before a mirror, trying on a wig,\nassisted by the\n\nsalesman, while Jerry looks on.\n\nGEORGE\n(to Jerry) Well, what d'you think?\n\nJERRY\n(unimpressed) I, really can't say.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, say. I want you to say.\n\nJERRY\nIt's not good, okay. It's not good.\nYou look (searches for word) stupid.\n\n(to salesman) I'm sorry.\n\nSALESMAN\nYou have to realise this has not been\ncustom-fitted to his scalp.\n\nGEORGE\n(examining reflection) I really think\nthis looks pretty good.\n\nJERRY\nWhy don't you get a pair of white shoes,\nmove down to Miami Beach and get\n\nthe whole thing over with?\n\nGEORGE\n(to salesman) Well, maybe you could\nshow me something else.\n\nSALESMAN\nAs I said, it'll be different once we\ndesign something specifically\n\nfor you. But I don't think your friend here is being very helpful.\n\nJERRY\nOh, hey, I'm being helpful. I am the\nonly one being helpful!\n\nSALESMAN\n(getting annoyed) No, I don't think\nyou're being helpful! I think\n\nyou're being disruptive, and you make it very difficult for your\nfriend here to\n\nimprove his life!\n\nJERRY\nHey! I'm trying to prevent my friend\nfrom becoming one of those guys\n\npeople snicker at behind their back, because they look ridiculous!\nNo offence to\n\nyou personally!\n\nSALESMAN\n(angry) All you people with hair think\nyou're so damn superior! You\n\nhave no idea what it's like. You ever look down in the bottom\nof your tub and\n\nsee a fist fulla hair? How'd you like to start your day with\nthat?! (looks ready\n\nto punch Jerry)\n\nJERRY\nAll right! Take it easy! Take it easy.\n\nGEORGE\n(leaps to feet) Jerry!\n\nJERRY\nI'm sorry.\n\nGEORGE\nPlease. (sits again)\n\nThe door opens and Gary enters. He's humming to himself.\n\nGARY\nHey Jerry, th... (spots George) George,\nyou decided to get a rug! Good for\n\nyou, Jack!\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I'm, I'm just looking.\n\nGARY\nOh. (to salesman) Uh, Tommy, I'm gonna\nneed a little adjustment.\n\nSALESMAN\nI'll be right with you.\n\nThe salesman/Tommy leaves.\n\nGARY\nListen, George, I got some bad news.\nI'm not gonna be able to give you\n\nthat parking space.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGARY\nThis judge has to use it for some scofflaw.\nAnd you know you can't fight\n\nCity Hall.\n\nJerry gives a questioning look to George, who responds with a\n'go ahead'\n\nexpression.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, Gary (slams shut the door)\nI had a little chat with George the\n\nother day...\n\nGARY\n(to George) You didn't?!\n\nGEORGE\n(admiring himself in mirror) I did.\n\nJERRY\n(advancing on Gary) ...and he told me\nthat that... (becomes indistinct)\n\nWe see George continuing to admire himself as, off-camera, Gary\nand Jerry are\n\nheard struggling for possession of Gary's wig.\n\nGARY\n(indistinct) I'm not a hundred percent\nrecovered yet!\n\nJERRY\nGimme that thing!\n\n(Monk's)\n\nTypical number of customers. George enters, wearing his new toupee.\nOne or two\n\nof the staff give him a glance. He looks around, and taps the\ncounter by the\n\ncash register. A beautiful brunette sitting at the nearest table\ngive him an\n\nadmiring look.\n\nGEORGE\nHow's your life? All right?\n\nWOMAN\nYeah, not bad at all.\n\nShe pushes the chair opposite her out from the table in an invitation\nfor George\n\nto sit down. George looks pleasantly surprised by the beneficial\neffects of his\n\nhairpiece.\n\n(Press conference)\n\nMr Lippman and Jake Jarmel are on a small stage with a lectern.\nIn front of it\n\nare a group of reporters and, amongst them sits Elaine.\n\nLIPPMAN\n(at lectern) And now, uh, ladies and\ngentlemen of the press, it is my\n\npleasure to introduce you to Mr Jake Jarmel. (he applauds Jake\nas he vacates the\n\nlectern in his favour)\n\nThere is a brief ripple of applause as Jake steps up to take\nquestions.\n\nREPORTER\nSo Jake, what's your percentage on this\nbook?\n\nSeveral of the reporters laugh, as does Jake. Mr Lippman steps\nback to the\n\nlectern. He has some notes, and is extracting his glasses from\nhis pocket.\n\nLIPPMAN\nOh, actually I, uh, I have some very\ninteresting information on that.\n\n(puts on glasses) You know, uh, this is a co-venture and as...\n\nJAKE\n(notices glasses) Where did you get\nthose?\n\nLIPPMAN\n... as such, it...\n\nJAKE\nThose glasses, where did you get those\nglasses?\n\nLIPPMAN\n(confused) Where... what?\n\nJAKE\n(to Elaine) Is this supposed to be some\nkind of a joke on me? Because it's\n\nnot very funny. (to the nonplussed Lippman) Give me those! (yelling)\nI want the\n\nglasses! Give me those!\n\nHe tries to pull them from Lippman's face, and a struggle ensues.\nJake can be\n\nheard demanding the glasses. The reporters endeavour to get a\nview of the noisy\n\nfracas. Elaine rises and begins to make her way toward the exit.\nShe is\n\napologetic to her neighbour.\n\nELAINE\n(mouths) 'Scuse me. Have to go (audible)\nlook for some socks.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Kiss-Hello.html",
    "text": "THE KISS HELLO\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David & Jerry Seinfeld\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nNow, I was thinking the other day about\nhair, and that the weird thing about\nit, is that people will touch other\npeople's hair. You will actually kiss\nanother human being, right on the head.\nBut, if one of those hairs should somehow\nbe able to get out of that skull, and\ngo off on its own, it is now the vilest,\nmost disgusting thing that you can encounter.\nThe same hair. People freak out. (horrified)\n\"There was a hair, in the egg salad!\"\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nGeorge sits on the couch with a newspaper, Jerry stands.\n\nGEORGE\nSay it's Saturday night in Spain. They\ngo out dancing. You\n\nthink they do the flamenco?\n\nJERRY\nI would think.\n\nGEORGE\nSo you could call a woman for a date,\nask her if she's free for\n\nDinner and a flamenco?\n\nJERRY\n(scoffs) You don't flamenco on the first\ndate.\n\nGEORGE\nBoy, I wish the flamenco was popular\nhere.\n\nJERRY\nYeah? Would you do it?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, I think I would.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I knew you'd have an affinity\nfor it, because it's the\n\ndance of a very proud people.\n\nThe phone rings. Jerry answers.\n\nJERRY\nHello. (listens) Oh, hi Nana. (listens)\nWhat? Oh. Oh, alright, okay. Don't worry\nabout it. (listens) Okay, I'll see you\nlater. Alright, bye.\n\nHe hangs up the phone.\n\nJERRY\nI have to go over to my grandmother's.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat for?\n\nJERRY\nI have to open a bottle of ketchup for\nher.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, what, no lunch?\n\nJERRY\nNo, we have time.\n\nGEORGE\nOh. How's she doing?\n\nGeorge rises, and he and Jerry collect their jackets and make\ntheir way\n\nto the door.\n\nJERRY\nAh, she's starting to slip a little.\nSometimes she has\n\nDifficulty distinguishing between the past and the present.\n\nGEORGE\nAh. You know, there's gotta be an easier\nway to open ketchups. They should make\nit in a tube.\n\nJERRY\nLike toothpaste?\n\nGEORGE\nYa-hah.\n\nJerry and George leave.\n\n(Street)\n\nJerry and George stroll along, continuing their conversation.\n\nJERRY\nThere's a squeeze ketchup.\n\nGEORGE\nI've seen squeeze mustard. I've never\nseen squeeze ketchup.\n\nJERRY\nWell, if they make squeeze mustard,\ndoesn't it stand to reason\n\nthat they make squeeze ketchup?\n\nGEORGE\nNot necessarily. Mustard lends itself\nto the squeeze.\n\nJERRY\nI really don't see the difference.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, there's a difference. It's subtle.\n\nJERRY\nIt's subtle.\n\nGEORGE\nHey uh, isn't Elaine supposed to meet\nus?\n\nJERRY\n(looking ahead) Yeah, there she is.\nUh-oh.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nThey stop walking.\n\nJERRY\nAh, she's with her friend Wendy.\n\nGEORGE\nWendy? Is that the uh, physical therapist?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. I'm on a kiss hello program with\nher.\n\nGEORGE\nReally?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Every time I see her, I gotta\nkiss her hello. I just did\n\nit once, on her birthday, somehow it mushroomed. Now I dread\nseeing her because\n\nof it.\n\nJerry smiles and waves to Elaine, who is approaching with Wendy.\nElaine\n\nWaves back.\n\nELAINE\n(from a distance) Hey.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, I'm down to one kiss hello.\nMy aunt Sylvia.\n\nJERRY\nAh, that's fortunate. I really admire\nthat.\n\nGEORGE\n(surprise) Huh. I never heard you say\nyou admire me for\n\nanything.\n\nJERRY\nNo, I told you I admire your hearing.\n\nGeorge waves away the compliment.\n\nJERRY\nNo, don't slough that off, you have\ngreat hearing.\n\nJerry and George walk and meet Elaine and Wendy. Wendy greets\nJerry\n\nwith a kiss on the cheek, which he's not happy about. Wendy is\nattractive, but has\n\na real old-fashioned fifties-style hairdo.\n\nELAINE\n(to Wendy) Wendy, George. (to George)\nWendy.\n\nWendy and George shake hands.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're uh, physical therapist, right?\n\nWENDY\nYes.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, I got this little swelling\nright here. (rolls up his\n\nsleeve to expose his wrist) It's kinda painful. What d'you make\nof it?\n\nWendy takes a brief glance at George's proffered limb. Elaine\nisn't\n\nhappy that George is bothering Wendy.\n\nELAINE\n(warning) George.\n\nWENDY\nHave you tried heat and ice on it?\n\nGEORGE\n(reluctant) Oh that uh, that seems like\na lotta trouble.\n\nWENDY\nWell, you could come by my office later,\nI could work on it for\n\nyou a little.\n\nGEORGE\n(happy) Oh! Okay.\n\nWENDY\nLet me give you my card.\n\nWendy fishes in her bag and hands a card to George.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, thank you.\n\nWENDY\nWell, I'll see you guys later. (to George)\nNice meeting you. Bye\n\nElaine.\n\nELAINE\nBye Wendy. I'm sorry.\n\nWENDY\nBye Jerry.\n\nWendy walks away down the street.\n\nJERRY\nBye.\n\nELAINE\n(slapping George on the arm) What did\nyou do that for?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\n(pinching George's arm) Ask about your\narm.\n\n(Monk's)\n\nGeorge, Jerry and Elaine enter.\n\nGEORGE\nI still don't see why I can't ask her\nabout my arm.\n\nELAINE\nShe's a physical therapist. She doesn't\nwant to have to deal\n\nwith that outside of the office.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy not?\n\nThe trio sit down in a booth.\n\nELAINE\nBecause, it is what she does.\n\nGEORGE\nI love these people, you can't ask 'em\nquestions. (getting\n\nexcited) They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the\ndelicate genius\n\nUnless it's in the confines of an office. (worked up) When huge\nsums of money\n\nare involved, then the delicate genius can be disturbed!\n\nELAINE\nGeorge, you got a little something,\nright here.\n\nElaine indicates underneath George's nostrils.\n\nGEORGE\n(wiping the area with a hand) People\nthink they're so\n\nimportant...\n\nJERRY\n(adamant) Well, I'm going on record\nright now that that was my\n\nlast kiss hello. I am getting off the kiss program with her.\n\nELAINE\nWhy?\n\nJERRY\nWell, you know, frankly, outside of\na sexual relationship, I\n\ndon't see the point to it. I'm not thrilled with all the handshaking\neither, but\n\none step at a time.\n\nGEORGE\n(regarding the menu) What're you getting?\n\nJERRY\n(to Elaine) And what's with that hairdo,\nby the way?\n\nELAINE\nHuh, yeah, I know. It's not very flattering.\n\nJERRY\nShe looks like something out of an old\nhigh school yearbook. You\n\nShould say something to her.\n\nELAINE\nOh, I could never say anything to her\nabout that.\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Kramer's the only person who could\nsay something like\n\nthat.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. Hah.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, just tell Kramer to tell her.\n\nELAINE\nNo. If you tell him to do it, he'll\nnever do it.\n\nJERRY\nWhat you have to do is introduce him,\nand then he'll just come\n\nout with it.\n\nELAINE\n(sharp intake of breath) Hoh. Yes, yes,\nyou're right. That's\n\nright. I'll bring her over to meet...\n\nKramer enters.\n\nELAINE\n(to Kramer) ...Kramer.\n\nKramer strolls over to the table.\n\nKRAMER\nHello, boys and girls.\n\nJERRY\nSpeak of the devil.\n\nKramer sits at the table. Elaine starts to peruse her menu, as\nKramer\n\nspeaks to Jerry.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Hey listen, I uh, I need a picture\nof you, buddy.\n\nJERRY\nWhat for?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I'm uh, I'm putting everybody's\npicture up in the lobby\n\nof our building.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nKRAMER\nSo everyone will know everybody's name.\nSee, people are gonna\n\nbe a lot friendlier.\n\nJERRY\n(reluctant) I, I don't want my picture\nplastered up in the\n\nlobby.\n\nKRAMER\nImagine walking by someone on the floor,\nand you say \"Hey,\n\nCarl!\" and he\n\nsays \"Hey, Jerry!\" You see, that's the kind of society I wanna\nlive in.\n\nJERRY\n(still reluctant) Kramer, I don't wanna\nstop and talk with\n\neveryone, every time I go in the building. I just wanna nod and\nbe on my way.\n\nKRAMER\n(to Elaine) You know your eyeliner's\nsmudged a little. Why do\n\nyou wear so much eye makeup?\n\nELAINE\n(to Jerry, indicating Kramer) Yeah.\nThis is gonna work out just\n\nfine.\n\n(Nana's Apartment)\n\nLeo is in the living room, speaking with Nana, who's in another\nroom.\n\nLEO\nMa! Again with the ketchup? Don't they\nhave 'em in the plastic\n\nSqueeze containers?\n\nThere is a knock at the door. Leo opens it, to reveal Jerry.\n\nLEO\n(traditional greeting) Jerry! Hello!\n\nJERRY\nHello, uncle Leo!\n\nLEO\nWhat're you doing here?\n\nJERRY\nNana called me to open the ketchup bottle.\n\nLEO\nYeah, me too.\n\nNana enters with a bottle of ketchup.\n\nNANA\nHello Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHi Nana.\n\nThere's a brief pause, as Leo waits for something.\n\nLEO\nAren't you gonna kiss her hello?\n\nJERRY\nYes. (kisses Nana) Yes of course.\n\nNANA\nHa, well, here's the bottle.\n\nNana holds out the ketchup.\n\nLEO\n(grabbing the bottle) I'll do it.\n\nJERRY\n(also grabbing) What're you doing, I\ngot it.\n\nJerry and Leo begin to struggle for possession of the ketchup.\n\nLEO\nGive it to me.\n\nJERRY\nWill you stop it.\n\nLEO\nJerry, will you give me the bottle?\n\nJERRY\nUncle Leo! (releasing his grip) Alright!\nTake it!\n\nNANA\nYou should let Buddy open it.\n\nLEO\nBuddy? He lived next door to us forty-five\nyears ago.\n\nLeo hands the ketchup back to Nana.\n\nNANA\nLeo, did you give Helen the fifty dollars?\n\nLEO\nWhat fifty dollars?\n\nNANA\nYour father won a thousand dollars at\nthe track last week, and he\n\ngave you a hundred, and you were supposed to give fifty dollars\nto your sister.\n\nNana walks away out of the room again.\n\nLEO\nMa, dad died in nineteen-sixty-two.\n\nJerry is staring at Leo, with an expression of suspicion.\n\nLEO\n(laughing off Nana's confusion) Believe\nme. I don't owe your\n\nmother fifty dollars.\n\nLeo continues to force out laughter, and Jerry continues his\nlook of\n\nmistrust.\n\n(Lobby, Jerry's Building)\n\nElaine and Jerry wait by the elevator. Jerry is speaking to the\n\nbuilding super.\n\nJERRY\nI'm just not getting any hot water.\n\nJULIO\nHey, believe me, I know there's nothing\nworse than when your\n\nshower's not working. I'm gonna take care of it as soon as I\ncan, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nThanks, Julio.\n\nJULIO\nAwright.\n\nJulio walks away as the elevator arrives. Jerry and Elaine step\naboard.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nKramer is rooting through a drawer, searching for something.\nThe door\n\nopens and Jerry and Elaine enter.\n\nJERRY\nHuh?\n\nKRAMER\n(surprised) Hey, hey hey hey. Hello!\n\nJERRY\nWhat's going on here?\n\nKRAMER\n(evasive) Ohh, nothing, nothing.\n\nJERRY\n(suspicious) Well, then what're you\ndoing?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I, I need a pen.\n\nJERRY\nWhat for?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I'm making out my will. Oh, I\ngot a big slice of dough\n\nfor you, buddy. And you too, Elaine, I haven't forgotten you.\n\nJERRY\n(accusingly) You're looking for a picture\nof me, aren't you?\n\nKRAMER\nYou got that straight.\n\nJERRY\nI told you, forget it.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, come on, Jerry. If everybody knew\neverybody, we wouldn't\n\nhave the problems we have in the world today. Well, you don't\nrob somebody, if\n\nyou know their name!\n\nJERRY\nYou're robbing me.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I'm gonna get your picture, and\nyou're gonna participate\n\nin my program.\n\nKramer heads out the door, but Elaine intercepts him.\n\nELAINE\nWha... W.. Are you going home?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nUh, could you come back in about five\nminutes?\n\nKRAMER\nWhy?\n\nELAINE\nNo reason. (big smile) Just wanna see\nyou again.\n\nKramer smiles at this. He exits, but turns to flash the smile\nat Elaine\n\nas he crosses the hall to his apartment. After Kramer goes into\nhis place,\n\nElaine shuts the door of Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\n(removing his coat) So? Are you sure\nWendy's coming?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, she'll be here any second.\n\nJERRY\nWell, this'll be a very interesting\nexperiment to see if Kramer\n\nSays something. You sure you wanna go through with this?\n\nELAINE\nListen, Jerry. She never dates, and\nI know it's because of her\n\nhair.\n\nThe phone rings, and Jerry picks up. Elaine removes her coat.\n\nJERRY\nHello. Oh, hi mom. Yeah, I was at Nana's\nyesterday. I had to\n\nhelp her open a ketchup bottle. Hey, mom, let me ask you a question.\nDo you\n\nremember when you were a kid, your father winning like a thousand\ndollars at the\n\ntrack? (listens) Really? Did you know he gave uncle Leo a hundred\ndollars, and\n\nhe was supposed to give you fifty? (listens) How do I know? Because\nNana\n\ndoesn't know what year it is, and she thinks this just happened.\n(listens) Well, I\n\nthink you should. Okay, bye.\n\n(The Seinfeld's Place, Florida)\n\nMorty and Helen in the kitchen. Morty has a pencil and pad and\na pocket\n\ncalculator out, doing some work.\n\nMORTY\nDo you know what the interest on that\nfifty dollars comes to\n\nOver fifty-three years?\n\nHELEN\nOh, Morty, please.\n\nMORTY\nSix hundred and sixty-three dollars\nand forty-five cents. And\n\nthat's figuring conservatively at five percent interest, over\nfifty-three\n\nyears, compounded quarterly. Or, if you put it into a ten-year\nT-bill...\n\nHELEN\nMorty, will you stop it!\n\nMORTY\n(determined) Well, he's not getting\naway with this!\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry by the kitchen. The buzzer sounds, and Jerry answers.\n\nJERRY\nYeah?\n\nWENDY\nWendy.\n\nJERRY\nCome on up.\n\nElaine enters from the bathroom.\n\nELAINE\nWell, this is it. Shall I go get Kramer?\n\nJERRY\nNo no, he'll come in. Well, this is\ngonna be my first\n\nopportunity to not kiss her hello.\n\nELAINE\nWhat is the big deal about putting your\nlips on somebody's\n\nface?\n\nJERRY\nIt's the obligation, you know? As soon\nas this person comes in,\n\nyou know you have to do this. I mean, if you could, say, touch\na breast as part\n\nof the kiss hello, then I think I could see the value in it a\nlittle better.\n\nELAINE\nHow 'bout an intercourse hello? How\nwould that be?\n\nJERRY\nElaine, now you're being ridiculous.\n\nThere's a knock at the door.\n\nELAINE\n(indicating) That's her. That's her.\n\nJerry holds up his hands, indicating he wants a few seconds to\nprepare.\n\nHe goes to the refrigerator, and indicates Elaine should let\nWendy inside.\n\nElaine opens the door and Wendy enters.\n\nELAINE/WENDY\nHi/Hey.\n\nJerry has the door of the fridge open, and his head is inside\nthe\n\nappliance.\n\nJERRY\n(muffled) Hi Wendy.\n\nWENDY\nOh, hi Jerry.\n\nWendy wanders over to the fridge.\n\nJERRY\n(muffled) Would you like something to\ndrink?\n\nWENDY\nSure.\n\nJerry holds out his arm, with a bottle in his hand.\n\nJERRY\n(muffled) There you go.\n\nWENDY\n(taking the bottle) Ah.\n\nJerry starts to withdraw his head from the fridge, and Wendy\nis poised\n\nfor the kiss hello. But, just as he turns to face her, he opens\nthe freezer\n\ncompartment and the door blocks her approach. Wendy walks away\nto the couch.\n\nJERRY\nOh, look at that. I'm almost outta Klondike\nbars.\n\nJerry peers around the edge of the door, to see if the coast\nis clear.\n\nFinding\n\nthat it is, he closes the various doors of the fridge.\n\nJERRY\nSo, how's everything going?\n\nWENDY\nOh, okay. Oh, your friend George came\nby the office the other\n\nday, and then yesterday he cancelled on me.\n\nJERRY\nOh, yeah, he had to take his mother\nto the chiropodist.\n\nThere is a clunk in the hallway, as of Kramer's door opening.\n\nELAINE\nOh, you hear that? That must be Kramer.\n\nJerry's door opens and Kramer enters. He's holding a polaroid\ncamera.\n\nKRAMER\nHey! Jerry!\n\nJerry turns at the call of his name, and Kramer fires off a quick\nshot.\n\nJERRY\nC'mon, that's not fair!\n\nKRAMER\nI told you I was gonna get it.\n\nJERRY\nNo, c'mon Kramer. (crossing to Kramer)\nGimme that picture.\n\nKRAMER\n(holding the picture away from Jerry)\nAagh. No no no no no.\n\nJERRY\n(throws up his hands) Alright, fine.\nPut my picture up. What do\n\nI care?\n\nELAINE\nUh, Kramer. Kramer, I'd like you to\nmeet my friend Wendy.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, hello.\n\nWENDY\n(holds out her hand) Hi.\n\nKRAMER\n(shaking hands) Yeah.\n\nKramer does looks at Wendy, and something intrigues him. He turns\naway,\n\nThen back again, unable to take his eyes off her hair.\n\nKRAMER\n(points) You know, I really like that\nhairdo.\n\nJerry and Elaine both look surprised and let-down by Kramer.\n\nWENDY\n(flattered) Oh. Thank you. I actually\nwas thinking it might be\n\ntime for a change.\n\nELAINE\n(hopeful) Oh, you were?\n\nWENDY\nWell, I...\n\nKRAMER\n(interrupting) Oh, no no no. You don't\nwanna do that. No no.\n\nNobody wears it like that.\n\nELAINE\nKramer, if she wants to change her hair...\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no. you'd be a damn fool to change\nit. It's very becoming.\n\nWENDY\nOh, well.\n\nKramer raises his camera to take a picture of Wendy and her hair.\n\nWENDY\n(laughs, flattered) Oh, ho.\n\nKramer presses the button and nothing happens. He turns the camera\nup,\n\nto look at the front of it and it chooses to fire at that moment,\ndazzling\n\nKramer with the flash.\n\n(Wendy's Car)\n\nWendy drives, Elaine in the passenger seat.\n\nWENDY\nSo, who's that friend of yours? That\nguy that came in.\n\nELAINE\nOh, Kramer.\n\nWENDY\nYeah. Does he have a girlfriend?\n\nELAINE\nYou wanna go out with him?\n\nWENDY\nWell, why not?\n\nELAINE\nWell, it's just that... uh, I don't...\n\nWENDY\nWhat, is there anything wrong with him?\n\nElaine stares off for several seconds, with a faraway look in\nher eyes.\n\nWENDY\nElaine?\n\nELAINE\nI'm just thinking about the question.\n\n(ProFitness Physical Therapy Center)\n\nGeorge is at the counter with his cheque book. He's moving his\nwrist and\n\nLower arm, clearly much more comfortable.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, my arm feels a lot better.\nThat Wendy really knows\n\nher stuff. (he writes out a cheque)\n\nRECEPTIONIST\n(perky) She is super. Same time tomorrow.\n\nGEORGE\n(tearing out cheque) Yeah, same time.\n(hands over cheque) There\n\nyou go.\n\nGeorge heads for the door. The receptionist looks at George's\ncheque\n\nand finds it's not up to scratch.\n\nRECEPTIONIST\nOh. Ah, you owe a hundred and fifty.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat for?\n\nRECEPTIONIST\nWell, you cancelled on Tuesday, and\nour policy is\n\n\"twenty-four hours notice, for all cancellations\".\n\nGEORGE\n(agitated) Well, I, I couldn't come.\nI, I had to drive my\n\nmother to, to the chiropodist.\n\nWendy enters, carrying a file. She overhears.\n\nWENDY\nWhat's the problem?\n\nGEORGE\n(harassed) Are you aware that I'm being\ncharged for Tuesday's\n\nappointment? I had to take my mother to the chiropodist.\n\nWENDY\nWell, I'm sorry, that's our policy.\n\nWendy walks out, into another room.\n\nGEORGE\n(after Wendy and to the receptionist)\nOh, you have a policy!\n\n(to the world at large) The delicate genius has a policy!\n\nGeorge heads for the door.\n\nRECEPTIONIST\nSo. Will you be here tomorrow?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, it's less than twenty-four hours,\nso I guess I have to!\n\nGeorge leaves, slamming the door behind him.\n\n(Lobby, Jerry's Building)\n\nKramer has covered one wall of the lobby with photographs of\nthe\n\ntenants. They're all labeled with the appropriate name in magic\nmarker. Kramer\n\nis just completing Jerry's name underneath the Polaroid he took\nearlier. Jerry\n\nand Elaine enter from the street.\n\nKRAMER\nHey! (indicating photos) So what d'you\nthink? You like it?\n\nElaine seems generally positive, Jerry's not so enamoured, especially\n\nby his own picture.\n\nJERRY\nOh my god! Look at that picture, it's\nterrible...\n\nThe Polaroid has caught Jerry with his mouth hanging open and\nhis eyes\n\nwide. It's not flattering in the slightest.\n\nJERRY\n...You can't put that picture up.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, it's not a beauty contest. It's\njust a way for people to\n\nget to\n\nknow one another.\n\nThe elevator opens and a guy (Steve) steps out. He points to\nKramer.\n\nSTEVE\nHey Cosmo.\n\nKRAMER\nHey...\n\nKramer turns to the wall of pictures, searches around for the\nface and\n\nthen\n\npoints back. Steve makes his way to the door as Kramer speaks.\n\nKRAMER\n...Steve. (to Jerry) Ah, you see?\n\nELAINE\nHey Kramer, my friend Wendy wants to\ngo out with you.\n\nKRAMER\n(interested) Well, how do you do?\n\nA woman (Mary) has entered from the street. She stands behind\nJerry and\n\nLooks through Kramer's gallery of tenants.\n\nMARY\nHello, (finds the right photo) Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nOh. Hello, uh (looks for and finds the\nphoto) Mary.\n\nMARY\nYou know, I've seen you so many times\nand now we can finally talk\n\nto each other.\n\nKRAMER\n(keen) What was I telling you? Isn't\nthis nice?\n\nJERRY\n(not really) Yeah.\n\nMARY\nJerry. You know, could you help me with\na package?\n\nJERRY\nOh, sure, yeah.\n\nMARY\nThank you.\n\nMary leans across and gives Jerry a quick kiss on the cheek,\nthen makes\n\nher way toward the door. Elaine is giggling gleefully at Jerry's\ndiscomfiture.\n\nJERRY\nOh, no!\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry and Elaine enter. Jerry mad, and Elaine still giggling.\n\nJERRY\nYou see? That's just what I need. More\nkissing!\n\nELAINE\n(laughs) Hee, hee, hee. Hee hee hee...\n\nJERRY\nWhat is so funny?\n\nELAINE\nNothing, nothing. (laughs out loud)\n\nThe phone rings and Jerry picks up.\n\nJERRY\nHello. Oh, hi mom. (listens) What? Oh\nmy... He didn't?! He\n\ncouldn't! (listens) Alright, I will. (listens) Okay, bye.\n\nJerry hangs up the phone, and turns to Elaine.\n\nJERRY\n(aghast) Uncle Leo put Nana in a home!\n\nELAINE\nWhy?\n\nJERRY\n(suspicious) I don't know. Maybe to\nkeep her quiet.\n\n(Lobby, Jerry's Building)\n\nJerry is collecting his mail from his mailbox. A woman (Joan)\nenters\n\nAnd immediately goes for the kiss hello. She's friendly and overfamiliar.\n\nJOAN\nHi Jerry. (she kisses Jerry) Mmmwah.\n\nJERRY\n(not as eager) Hi Joan.\n\nJOAN\nHow you doing?\n\nJerry backs away toward the elevator.\n\nJERRY\nPretty good.\n\nJOAN\nJust pretty good? Not great?\n\nJERRY\nOkay, great.\n\nJOAN\nAre you happy?\n\nJERRY\nOh, I'm delighted.\n\nJOAN\nOkay. Have a nice day.\n\nJERRY\nYou too.\n\nThe elevator comes down, the door opens and another woman (Louise)\n\nemerges, with a big friendly smile for Jerry.\n\nLOUISE\nHi Jerry.\n\nLouise also kisses the less than happy looking Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHi, Louise.\n\nLouise walks on and the unhappy Jerry enters the elevator.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry has just arrived with his mail. The door opens and Kramer\ndarts\n\ninto the room.\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nAh, well. Thank you very much!\n\nKRAMER\nFor what?\n\nJERRY\n(agitated) For putting my picture up\non that wall! I'm like\n\nRichard Dawson down there now. And every person I see engages\nme in this long,\n\nboring, tedious, conversation. I can't even get out of the building!\n\nKRAMER\nYou should be thanking me for liberating\nyou from your world of\n\nloneliness and isolation. Now, you're part of a family.\n\nJERRY\nFamily?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nYou think I want another family? My\nfather's demanding my uncle\n\nPay interest on fifty dollars he was supposed to give my mother\nin\n\nnineteen-forty-one, and my uncle put my nana in a home to try\nand shut\n\nher up! And I tell you another thing, Cosmo Kramer, whatever\nyou wanna be\n\ncalled. The kissing thing is over. There's no more kissing, and\nI don't care what\n\nthe consequences are.\n\nAs Jerry reaches the end of his emphatic declaration, Kramer\ntakes\n\nJerry's head in his hands, leans in and plants a big kiss right\non Jerry's lips.\n\nHalfway through the kiss, the door opens and George half-enters.\nKramer\n\nreleases Jerry, who stands bug-eyed with shock. George stands\nsilently in the doorway,\n\nhe looks from Jerry to Kramer, with a thoughtful expression.\nBiting his lips,\n\nGeorge slowly backs out of the door and closes it behind him.\n\n(ProFitness Physical Therapy Centre)\n\nGeorge enters, and the receptionist spots him.\n\nRECEPTIONIST\nOh, hi. Mister Costanza, we were trying\nto get in touch\n\nwith you. Wendy can't make her appointment.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat d'you mean?\n\nRECEPTIONIST\nShe had some personal affair she had\nto attend to. I left\n\nA message on your machine. You didn't get it?\n\nGEORGE\nWhen did you leave the message?\n\nRECEPTIONIST\nFew hours ago.\n\nGEORGE\n(pointedly) Oh, I'm sorry, I require\ntwenty-four hours notice\n\nfor a cancellation. Now, as I see it, you owe me seventy-five\ndollars.\n\nRECEPTIONIST\nLook, Mister Costanza...\n\nGEORGE\nWill that be cash, or cheque?\n\nGeorge gives an exaggerated wink.\n\n(Wendy's Car)\n\nWendy driving into New York at night with Elaine as passenger.\nElaine\n\nis wearing much of her ski gear - woolly hat, with goggles on\ntop of her head, and\n\nthere are ski poles on the back seat.\n\nWENDY\nI am really glad I took the day off.\n\nELAINE\nOh, yeah, there's nothing better than\nskiing.\n\nWENDY\nYeah. I hope my clients weren't too\nupset.\n\nELAINE\nUgh, the hell with 'em.\n\nWendy and Elaine share a laugh. Wendy then starts to pull the\ncar over\n\nto the side of the road.\n\nELAINE\nWhat're you stopping here for?\n\nWENDY\nI'm dropping you off.\n\nELAINE\n(pointing) Oh, no, I'm three more blocks.\n\nWENDY\nYeah, but if I take you to your door,\nthen I have to go all the\n\nWay around Central Park West, back to Columbus, you know it's\nall one\n\nway...\n\nELAINE\nYeah, but it's only three blocks.\n\nWENDY\nRight. It's only three blocks.\n\nELAINE\n(unbuckling her seatbelt) Alright, well...\n\n(Street)\n\nElaine struggles along the sidewalk at night with her ski gear\nin her\n\narms. She's not finding it easy fighting with the uncomfortable\nbulk of skis,\n\npoles, boots, etc.. Eventually she drops the boots and, rather\nthan pick them\n\nup, simply kicks them along in front of her.\n\n(Street)\n\nJerry and Elaine walk together.\n\nELAINE\nShe'd driven me a hundred and twenty\nmiles and, all of a\n\nsudden, three blocks from my door, she decides this trip is over.\nIsn't that strange?\n\nJERRY\nYes, it's very strange. Very strange.\n\nELAINE\nI've never heard of anything like this.\nI mean, it's almost as\n\nif I was hitch-hiking and she says \"Well, this is as far as I\ncan take you.\"\n\nJERRY\nI tell you. If you were hitch-hiking,\nyou'd never get into a car\n\nWith someone with a hairdo like that.\n\nELAINE\nI had to carry my skis, and my boots\nand my poles. I think I\n\npinched a nerve in my shoulder.\n\nJERRY\nYou should have her work on it for you.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, alright, I gotta go.\n\n(Lobby, Jerry's Building)\n\nJerry enters his building. Mary spots him from across the lobby\nand\n\ncloses for a kiss hello.\n\nMAR\nHi Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHi Mary.\n\nJerry backs away from the kiss with so much effort that he's\nup against\n\nThe mailboxes.\n\nJERRY\nUh, listen. I decided I can't kiss hello\nanymore. I'm sorry.\n\nIt's nothing personal....\n\nMary looks upset by Jerry's outburst.\n\nJERRY\n...It just makes me a little uncomfortable\nand I can't do it.\n\nI'm sorry.\n\nThe door to the street opens and Louise enters, also friendly\nand\n\naiming for the kiss hello.\n\nLOU\nHi Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHi Louise...\n\nJerry backs sharply away from Louise as she leans in for the\nkiss.\n\nJERRY\n...I was just telling Mary how I'm not\ngonna be doing the kiss\n\nHello thing anymore. (continues backing away) I'm sorry. I just\ncan't do it.\n\nIt's nothing personal, it's just I'm not really able to do it\nand uh, I'm\n\nsorry.\n\nJerry backs into the elevator.\n\nJERRY\n(as the elevator doors close) Thank\nyou for your cooperation.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment/The Seinfeld's Place, Florida)\n\nJerry answers the phone.\n\nJERRY\nHello.\n\nHELEN\nJerry?\n\nJERRY\nHi mom. So, what's happening with uncle\nLeo? Is he paying you?\n\nIn Florida, Helen is on the phone and Morty is still working\nout\n\nfigures with a pad and a calculator.\n\nHELEN\nWell, he said no. He said we had no\nproof.\n\nMORTY\nNo proof? We'll get him. He's a crook,\nsooner or later, he'll\n\nslip up.\n\nHELEN\nUh, anyway, I want you to go check on\nNana at the home.\n\nJERRY\nOkay, I will.\n\nMORTY\nD'you realise, an above-average performing\ngrowth mutual fund\n\nFor fifty-three years...\n\n(Hall Outside Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry and Kramer emerge from their apartments.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat's up?\n\nJERRY\n(locking his door) Oh, I gotta go visit\nmy nana in the nursing\n\nhome.\n\nKRAMER\nOh.\n\nThey walk together down the hall.\n\n(Lobby, Jerry's Building)\n\nThe elevator doors open and Jerry and Kramer come out. Something\non the\n\nWall opposite catches Jerry's eye.\n\nJERRY\nHey, Kramer, look at this.\n\nJerry points and walks over to Kramer's gallery, Kramer following.\n\nJERRY\nLook at my picture!\n\nThe photograph has been crudely vandalised with a magic marker.\n\n'Grade-A Dork' has been written on the forehead, whiskers, spots,\nhorns and a wormlike\n\ntongue added and teeth blacked out.\n\nJERRY\nI've been defaced!\n\nKRAMER\nHey, don't you worry buddy. I made double\nprints.\n\nBehind Kramer a guy (Jack) has entered the building. Jack walks\nup\n\nbehind Kramer and slaps him on the shoulder in a friendly fashion.\n\nJACK\nHey. Hi Cosmo.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, hey, Jack. How you doing?\n\nJERRY\nHi Jack.\n\nJack gives Jerry an unfriendly look and walks to the elevator\nwithout\n\nreplying. Julio comes out of the elevator, and Jerry walks over\nto ask him\n\nsomething.\n\nJERRY\nHey, Julio. I was wondering, could you\nget to that shower today,\n\nYou think?\n\nJULIO\nOh, I see. When you need something done,\nyou're very friendly to\n\npeople, huh?\n\nJERRY\n(defensive) No no, that's not true!\n\nJULIO\n(accusing) Well, I think it is! It's\na big building, Seinfeld,\n\nmaybe I'll get to it someday. After I take care of the people\nwho're civil to each\n\nother.\n\nJulio stalks away. Jerry swings to give Kramer a look.\n\n(Knollridge Nursing Home)\n\nJerry is talking with a nurse on the porch.\n\nNURSE\nYeah, she's upstairs, playing cards.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, she really doesn't belong\nhere. My uncle put her here,\n\nBecause he's trying to prove he doesn't owe my mother fifty dollars.\n\nNURSE\nWell, she seems very happy. She met\nan old friend who used to\n\nlive next door to her.\n\nJERRY\nBuddy?\n\nNURSE\nYes, that's his name. He's right over\nthere.\n\nThe nurse indicates an elderly guy with a white moustache, wearing\na\n\ncap and reading a newspaper on a bench outside.\n\n(ProFitness Physical Therapy Centre)\n\nGeorge is talking with Wendy at the counter.\n\nWENDY\n(smiling) I'm sorry, I don't owe you\nanything. I had some\n\npersonal\n\nbusiness that day.\n\nGEORGE\n(irascible) Oh, I see. So your time\nis more valuable than mine.\n\nIs that it? You're a delicate genius!\n\nBehind George, Elaine has slipped in the door.\n\nWENDY\nA delicate genius?\n\nGeorge spots Elaine.\n\nGEORGE\nElaine?\n\nELAINE\n(surprised) George!\n\nGeorge stalks past Elaine and exits.\n\nGEORGE\n(leaving) Hah. Good luck.\n\nWENDY\nWhat's going on?\n\nELAINE\n(feeling her arm) Wendy, I injured my\nshoulder, Wednesday, when\n\nYou dropped me off and I had to carry my skis, and my boots,\nand my poles\n\nand everything, all the way home. I'm, I'm having trouble lifting\nmy arm.\n\nDo you think you could give me some treatment?\n\nWENDY\nOh sure. You have insurance, right?\n\nELAINE\n(shocked) Insurance? You're charging\nme?\n\nBehind Elaine, George is standing in the open door\n\nGEORGE\nWednesday? That's your personal business?!\n(stalks over to the\n\ncounter) Skiing?! (angry) So let people suffer, while you're\nshushing all over a\n\nmountain?\n\nWENDY\nHow did you hear that?\n\nGEORGE\nI hear everything.\n\nWENDY\nI mean, why don't you two just take\nyour business elsewhere,\n\nhmm?\n\nELAINE\nOh, huh huh, that is a good idea. C'mon\nGeorge.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Let's go.\n\nElaine and George, united, head for the door. AS they get there,\nElaine\n\nturns to deliver her parting shot.\n\nELAINE\n(pointedly) And you know, you might\nwanna do something about\n\nthat hair.\n\nWENDY\nWhy, what's wrong with my hair?\n\nELAINE\nHuh, I think it's a little old-fashioned.\nDon't you? (to\n\nreceptionist) Uh, tell her.\n\nRECEPTIONIST\nShe's right.\n\n(Nursing Home)\n\nJerry and Buddy sit on the bench, reminiscing.\n\nJERRY\nSo you were with him that day at the\ntrack?\n\nBUDDY\nOh yeah. He won a thousand dollars.\nHis son was there too.\n\nJERRY\nLeo?\n\nBUDDY\nYeah, that's it. Leo. Ooh, what an obnoxious\nlittle kid. He used\n\nto steal my soda bottles. and cash 'em in for the deposits, uh?\n\nJERRY\nIs that so?\n\nBUDDY\nAnd, after your grandfather hit the\ndaily double, he gave him a\n\nHundred dollars, and told him to give fifty to his sister. His\nsister? Why I\n\ntell you he shoulda give it to me for all the bottles he took!\n\nJERRY\nWell, that's very interesting.\n\nJust then, uncle Leo strolls up the path to the nursing home.\nJerry\n\nspots his arrival.\n\nJERRY\n(standing) Uncle Leo! I just met an\nold acquaintance of yours.\n\n(indicates Buddy) You remember Buddy. He just told me quite a\nstory about you and\n\nGrandpa at the track.\n\nLeo's caught out, and looks worried.\n\nLEO\n(defensive) One second...\n\nJERRY\n(with a triumphant point) You're busted!\n\n(Lobby, Jerry's Building)\n\nJerry enters from the street. Steve is in the lobby, collecting\nhis\n\nmail. Jerry decides to be friendly.\n\nJERRY\nHey, Steve. How you doing?\n\nSteve turns to Jerry, gives him a disdainful look, and turns\naway\n\nagain. Another guy (Jeff) approaches from within the building.\nJerry tries the\n\nfriendly approach again.\n\nJERRY\nHey, Jeff. What's happening?\n\nJeff completely blanks Jerry and goes to get his mail. Jerry\nspots Mary\n\nover by Kramer's gallery wall, and walks across to her.\n\nJERRY\nMary! Oh, Mary! Give us a kiss.\n\nMary moves to avoid Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nDon't be like that, Mary. C'mon, I made\na mistake!\n\nMARY\n(contemptuous) Look, why don't you do\neverybody a favour, and\n\njust get out of this building? (angry) Nobody wants you here.\nNobody!\n\nJerry looks downcast. Mary walks over to the mailboxes, where\nshe\n\ngreets Jeff and Steve.\n\nJEFF\nHi Mary.\n\nMARY\nHi Jeff. How are you?\n\nMary and Jeff kiss hello.\n\nMARY\nHi Pete. How you doing?\n\nMary and Pete kiss hello.\n\nPETE\nHey, let's go get some coffee.\n\nJEFF\nGreat idea.\n\nMARY\nOh, that'd be great.\n\nThe three of them exit together chatting happily, watched by\na rueful\n\nJerry. Jerry looks at his photo on the wall and adjusts it so\nit's straight.\n\nThen Jerry notices the elevator is about to go up, so he asks\na favour of the\n\noccupant as\n\nhe crosses the lobby.\n\nJERRY\nOh, Paul, could you hold that door...\n\nBut Paul makes no move to hold the door, which shuts in Jerry's\nface.\n\n(Hall Outside Kramer's Apartment)\n\nJerry, wearing a bathrobe and with a towel round his neck, knocks\nat\n\nKramer's door. Kramer takes a quick peek through the peephole,\nthen opens the\n\ndoor.\n\nKRAMER\nHi.\n\nJERRY\nHey. Could I use your shower?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat, again? You took one this morning.\n\nJERRY\n(pleading) I got a date. C'mon, please.\n\nKRAMER\nI know but I... (waves toward the interior\nof his apartment)\n\nLittle problem.\n\nKRAMER\n(leaning to look round Kramer) Wendy\nhere?\n\nKRAMER\nNo no no. She changed her hairstyle,\n(pulls a face) it's\n\nterrible. No,\n\nwe're done.\n\nA happy looking guy pushes his way past Kramer and out of the\n\napartment.\n\nGUY\nI'll go get some more beer.\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah, yeah, great. (calling after\nthe guy) And get some of\n\nthose blue corn chips.\n\nAn attractive redheaded woman comes along the hallway. Kramer\ngreets\n\nHer approach.\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nSTEFANIE\nHi Cosmo.\n\nKRAMER\nHi.\n\nSTEFANIE\n(kisses Kramer hello) Mmmwah.\n\nKRAMER\nOoh, I like that.\n\nJERRY\n(impressed) Who's that?\n\nKRAMER\nStefanie. 2-G.\n\nJERRY\nOh man. Looks like you got quite a few\npeople here.\n\nJerry tries to see around Kramer into his apartment.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah yeah. Well uh, you know, I'd invite\nyou in, but uhm... you know.\n\nJERRY\n(rueful acceptance) Oh, yeah, I understand.\n\nKramer closes the door, and Jerry can be seen peering through\nthe narrowing gap until it shuts.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Beard.html",
    "text": "THE BEARD\n\nWritten by\n\nCarol Leifer\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nJERRY\nLook at you. Why don't you use a fork?\nYou're no good with the sticks.\n\nELAINE\nI know. I need a lesson.\n\nJERRY\nYou stink. You know you stink. What\nis this?\n\nELAINE\nOh. My ballet tickets.\n\nJERRY\nOh. Your ballet tickets.\n\nELAINE\nHey, have you ever been to the ballet?\n\nJERRY\nNo, but I've seen people on tiptoes.\n\nELAINE\nYou know, I'm going as a beard.\n\nJERRY\nA beard?\n\nELAINE\nYeah. This friend of a friend knows\nthis banker guy, he's, I don't know,\n30 years, unbelievably\n\ngorgeous, of course he's gay.\n\nJERRY\nYes.\n\nELAINE\nSo anyway his boss has a box at the\nMet and he invited us to see Swan Lake,\nwhich is fine, but he's\n\nafraid that his boss can't handle his orientation, so I'm going\nalong as his date.\n\nJERRY\nWhy are you doing this?\n\nELAINE\nSwan Lake, at the Met.\n\nKramer enters.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, Chinese food. I knew I smelled something.\n\nELAINE\nHey, is George still wearing that toupee?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nDoesn't he know how ridiculous he looks\nin that thing?\n\nKRAMER\nI think he looks fantastic.\n\nELAINE\nOh, come on.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, I never realized what an attractive\nman he is.\n\nGeorge enters, wearing a toupee.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, people, people, people, people,\npeople. Not bad, huh? Excuse me.\n\nELAINE\nYou look ridiculous in that thing.\n\nGEORGE\nIs that so? Or could it be that you're\njust a *little* bit worried that you\nmay have missed the boat?\n\nELAINE\nWell I think they might have sutured\nthat thing to your brain.\n\nGEORGE\nHa ha ha ha, oh all right, go ahead,\nderide, deride if you must. But let\nme tell you something, with\n\nmy personality and this set of hair, you know what I am now?\nI am in the game. I no longer defer to the\n\ncoifed. I'm a player.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know I just thought of something.\nI know this gorgeous woman, she called\nme up this\n\nmorning, she's moving into the city, and she asked me if I know\nof anyone she could meet. Now you can\n\ngo out with her.\n\nJERRY\nWell what about me?\n\nKRAMER\nNo I think he's got you beat buddy.\n\nGEORGE\nSo she's gorgeous.\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah, last time I saw her she was,\nfive years ago.\n\nGEORGE\nWell have you got a picture?\n\nKRAMER\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I have to see her.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, I know what we can do. I've got\na friend who works over at the police\nstation. He's a\n\ncomposite artist.\n\nGEORGE\nReally?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah, maybe I can get him to draw\na picture of her for you.\n\nGEORGE\nOh I would love that. You think he'd\nreally do it?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah. I think he will.\n\nJERRY\nIt sounds like an excellent idea.\n\nKRAMER\nHey Jerry, you want this, cause I'm\ngoing to give it to a homeless person.\n\nJerry, George, and Kramer walking down the street.\n\nGEORGE\nWell I'm very excited about this. I've\nalways wanted to see how those sketch\nartists do it.\n\nKRAMER\nHere you go brother. Some food for you.\n\nHOMELESS MAN\nThank you. You're a good man. Bless\nyou.\n\nKRAMER\nNow are you going to be here in an hour?\n\nHOMELESS MAN\nWhere am I going?\n\n(commercial)\n\nAt the police station.\n\nKRAMER\nOh that's good, that's good. Make the\neyes, uh, what's that nut?\n\nLOU\nAlmond?\n\nKRAMER\nAlmond. Yeah. Make the lips fuller.\nPoutier.\n\nGEORGE\nPouty? I like that.\n\nJERRY\nYou can't go wrong with pouty.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm excited about the pouty.\n\nLOU\nAll right I think that about does it.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right George, come on, take a look.\n\nGEORGE\nOh yeah, you were right. She's gorgeous.\n\nJERRY\nHey, Lou, who's that woman over there?\n\nLOU\nOh, that's Sergeant Tierney. Nice officer.\nYou want to meet her?\n\nWalking down the street.\n\nGEORGE\nWell this worked out okay. So are you\ngoing to see the police woman?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I think I will. I like the idea\nof having the law on my side.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, man. Enjoy the food?\n\nHOMELESS MAN\nYes I did. Where did the Chinese learn\nto cook like that?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, listen, I'll take that Tupperware\nnow.\n\nHOMELESS MAN\nI don't think so.\n\nKRAMER\nWoah, woah, that's mine.\n\nHOMELESS MAN\nYou gave it to me.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, I didn't say you could keep\nit. You see I don't give away tupperware.\n\nHOMELESS MAN\nYou should have said something.\n\nKRAMER\nI didn't think I had to. Look with a\npiece of Tupperware you just assume.\n\nAt the ballet.\n\nROBERT\nI've really got to thank you for this.\n\nELAINE\nWell by now, you think people would\nbe a little more open minded.\n\nROBERT\nReally. Would you excuse me? I have\nto run to the bathroom.\n\nBOSS' WIFE\nSo, um, you and Robert.\n\nELAINE\nYes indeed.\n\nBOSS\nI'm surprised.\n\nELAINE\nReally. Why?\n\nBOSS\nNo reason.\n\nELAINE\nWell believe me this didn't happen overnight.\nRobert's not exactly a *one* *woman*\n*man*, if\n\nyou know what I mean. No sirree Bob. Sure, I mean in a lot of\nways, he's a typical guy, he likes his\n\nsports, but he counters that side with the side you see here\ntonight at the ballet, or the pleasure he gets in\n\nwatching Ms. Liza Minelli belt out a few choice numbers. It's\nthose two halves of his personality that just\n\ncome together to make him the very special guy that he is.\n\nRobert comes back.\n\nELAINE\nOh, hi honey.\n\nElaine grabs Robert and kisses him.\n\nAt Monk's.\n\nELAINE\nOh it was such a great night.\n\nJERRY\nAnd did they suspect anything?\n\nELAINE\nNo, I was a fantastic beard. I held\nhands, I called him honey.\n\nJERRY\nAnd we discover yet another talent.\nPosing as a girlfriend for homosexuals.\n\nELAINE\nOh it was such a great night. Oh.\n\nJERRY\nYou said that already.\n\nELAINE\nOh I did?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nOh.\n\nJERRY\nOh no. Don't tell me. You like him?\n\nELAINE\nHe's incredible.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, but?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I know.\n\nJERRY\nSo?\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nNot conversion. You're thinking conversion?\n\nELAINE\nWell it did occur to me.\n\nJERRY\nYou think you can get him to just change\nteams? He's not going to suddenly switch\nsides. Forget\n\nabout it.\n\nELAINE\nWhy? Is it irrevocable?\n\nJERRY\nBecause when you join that team it's\nnot a whim. He likes his team. He's\nset with that team.\n\nELAINE\nWe've got a good team.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, we do. We do have a good team.\n\nELAINE\nWhy can't he play for us?\n\nJERRY\nThey're only comfortable with *their*\nequipment.\n\nELAINE\nWe just got along *so* great.\n\nJERRY\nOf course you did. Everyone gets along\ngreat when there's no possibility of\nsex.\n\nELAINE\nNo, no, no, I sensed something. I did\nsense something. I perceived a possibility\nJerry.\n\nJERRY\nYou realize you're venturing into uncharted\nwaters.\n\nELAINE\nI realize that.\n\nJERRY\nAre you that desperate?\n\nELAINE\nYes I am.\n\nAt Jerry's apartment. He is on the phone.\n\nJERRY\nSo are you going to bring your gun?...\nAll right, then it's settled. First\ndate, no weapons... All right\n\nI'll see you then... Okay, bye.\n\nKramer enters. He goes into the kitchen and starts searching.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you looking for?\n\nKRAMER\nTupperware.\n\nJERRY\nSorry. I don't have any tupperware.\n\nKRAMER\nI knew this was going to happen. I just\nmade a delicious casserole, but now\nit won't keep because\n\nI have no Tupperware.\n\nJERRY\nWhat about a plastic bag?\n\nKRAMER\nYou must be kidding.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is the difference?\n\nKRAMER\nThe patented burp, Jerry. It locks in\nfreshness.\n\nGeorge enters.\n\nGEORGE\nSo I spoke a little to your little friend\nDenise last night.\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah, you talked to her.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah for two hours. She's nuts about\nyou.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah well we go way back.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy didn't anything happen between you\ntwo?\n\nKRAMER\nWho's to say it didn't?\n\nJERRY\nSo did you describe yourself to her\nover the phone?\n\nGEORGE\nYes I did.\n\nJERRY\nWhat did you say to her?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat do you think I said?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know.\n\nGEORGE\nI told her the truth.\n\nJERRY\nAs you see it?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, as I see it.\n\nJERRY\nDid you tell her about, uh, your little\nhat there?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat hat?\n\nJERRY\nYou know, you're little hair hat there.\n\nGEORGE\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nDon't you think she could tell?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, no she can't tell. It's a perfect\nmatch. Beautiful job.\n\nJERRY\nAre you kidding? I could spot that bird's\nnest two blocks away.\n\nGEORGE\nYou only think that because you know\nme.\n\nJERRY\nHave you noticed people staring at your\nhead?\n\nGEORGE\nI noticed people staring at my head\nbecause they like what they see.\n\nJERRY\nWell I think you should either take\nit off or tell her about it.\n\nKRAMER\nNo he's not going to take it off. If\nhe was going to go over there bald,\nI never would have\n\nintroduced him.\n\nGEORGE\nLook, I guarantee she won't know.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah that's it. All right, I'm going\nto go down to the precinct. I'm going\nto have lunch with Lou.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I'll split a cab with you.\n\nWalking down the street.\n\nKRAMER\nHey I'm really sorry about the other\nday. Really sorry.\n\nKramer drops something into the man's cup.\n\nHOMELESS MAN\nHey that's my coffee!\n\nAt the police station\n\nJERRY\nHi Sarge.\n\nTIERNEY\nHi, I'm sorry I'm late. Some of our\nlineup decoys didn't show. Hey any of\nyou guys want to be in\n\nthe lineup? Make a quick 50 bucks?\n\nKRAMER\nSure. I will.\n\nTIERNEY\nPerfect. Just go over there with officer\nLampert.\n\nIn the lineup room.\n\n6 men stand there, one of which is Kramer.\n\nOVER THE SPEAKER\nAll of you, turn to the left.\n\nEveryone turns left. Kramer turns right.\n\nOVER THE SPEAKER\nThe left.\n\nKramer turns left.\n\nOVER THE SPEAKER\nNow turn to the right.\n\nKramer turns to the right doing a \"hokey pokey\" dance.\n\nAt Monk's.\n\nGEORGE\n(thinking to himself) Oh my god, there\nshe is. That's the face, just like the\npicture.\n\nDENISE\nGeorge?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Hi. It's great to meet you.\n\nDENISE\nLikewise. Have you been waiting long?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no. I just got here. A few minutes\nago.\n\nDENISE\nGood, good.\n\nGEORGE\nWell why don't you take off your hat\nand stay awhile.\n\nCamera is on George. Denise takes off her hat. The camera is\nstill on George. His expression changes to surprise.\n\nAt the police station.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's that?\n\nTIERNEY\nA polygraph. It's what you civilians\ncall a lie detector test.\n\nJERRY\nOh. Let me ask you, when someone is\nlying, is it true that their pants are\nactually on fire?\n\nTIERNEY\nIf I could tell you the famous faces\nthat have been up here. A certain cast\nmember of Melrose\n\nPlace.\n\nJERRY\nReally.\n\nTIERNEY\nHave you ever seen the show?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nTIERNEY\nYou can admit it Jerry. It's okay.\n\nJERRY\nI admit it. I don't watch it.\n\nTIERNEY\nHey Lou, maybe we should put him on\nthe poly.\n\nJERRY\nThe poly?\n\nTIERNEY\nYeah. I think you've seen it.\n\nAt Jerry's apartment.\n\nELAINE\nMelrose Place?\n\nJERRY\nYes. Melrose Place.\n\nELAINE\nI just didn't know you watched that.\n\nJERRY\nWell I do.\n\nELAINE\nI mean every time I mention it you never\nsay anything or join in the conversation.\n\nJERRY\nWell maybe I was a little embarrassed.\n\nELAINE\nYou mean this whole time we could have\nbeen discussing Sydney and Michael and\nJane...\n\nJERRY\nAnd Billy and Jake and Allison, yes\nwe could have discussed it.\n\nELAINE\nWhy? Why were you so embarrassed?\n\nJERRY\nThe point is I'm going to be taking\nthis lie detector test and that needle's\ngoing to be going wild.\n\nELAINE\nThat is *so* stupid. Why don't you just\nconfess?\n\nJERRY\nIt's too stupid to confess. Look at\nwhat I'm confessing to.\n\nELAINE\nSo what are you going to do?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know. Maybe I can beat the machine.\n\nELAINE\nOh, who do you think you are? Castanza?\n\nJERRY\nHey you know what? I have access to\none of the most deceitful, duplicitous,\ndeceptive minds of our\n\ntime. Who better to advise me?\n\nElaine takes a drink of something.\n\nELAINE\nOh god this tastes terrible.\n\nJERRY\nDid you shake it up?\n\nELAINE\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nYou gotta shake it up.\n\nELAINE\nNo. I'm sick of shaking. You've got\nto shake everything.\n\nJerry picks up the bottle and shakes it gently.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, that's a real nuisance. This is\nkilling me.\n\nELAINE\nSo, I'm going out tonight with Robert\nand the boss and his wife.\n\nJERRY\nSo tonight are you going to make the\nmove?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I think I might.\n\nGeorge enters.\n\nJERRY\nHey there he is. So what happened? Could\nshe detect it?\n\nGEORGE\nThat's an interesting question.\n\nJERRY\nHow so?\n\nGEORGE\nHow so? I'll tell you how so. She's\nbald!\n\nELAINE\nWhat do you mean bald?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat do you think I mean bald? Bald.\nBald bald.\n\nJERRY\nShe's bald?\n\nGEORGE\nShe's bald.\n\nELAINE\nOh come on.\n\nGEORGE\nOh come on? No come on. She took off\nher hat and there she was (waving his\nhand over his\n\nhead) hello. It was like I was looking at myself in the mirror.\n\nELAINE\nWell maybe she got a haircut or something.\n\nGEORGE\nLet me tell you something. No one walks\ninto a beauty parlor and says \"Give\nme the Larry Fine.\"\n\nJERRY\nWomen go bald?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I've heard of that. I mean they\nusually wear a wig.\n\nKramer enters.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nGEORGE\nYou fixed me up with a bald woman.\n\nKramer flinches.\n\nKRAMER\nBald?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, that's right.\n\nELAINE\nDo you see the irony here? You're rejecting\nsomebody because they're bald.\n\nGEORGE\nSo?\n\nELAINE\n(puts her hands up to her mouth) You're\nbald!\n\nGEORGE\nNo I'm not. I *was* bald.\n\nElaine grabs at the toupee, George dodges the grab.\n\nGEORGE\nElaine.\n\nElaine grabs again and misses. George turns around and opens\nthe door trying to get out. Elaine grabs the\n\ntoupee and runs to the window.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no, no Elaine.\n\nELAINE\n(shouting) I don't like this thing.\nAnd here's what I'm doing with it.\n\nShe tosses the toupee out the window.\n\nGEORGE\nNooooo.\n\nHe runs to the window, and the blind comes down on his head.\n\nOutside.\n\nThe homeless man is walking down the street and sees the toupee.\nHe puts it on.\n\nAt Elaine's apartment.\n\nROBERT\nHahaha, why'd you start that fight with\nme?\n\nELAINE\nWell I figured that's what couples do.\n\nROBERT\nYou almost convinced me we were a couple.\n\nELAINE\nWell it was easy. Really.\n\nROBERT\nWell good night, I'll call you tomorrow.\n\nELAINE\nOh, uh, wait a second. Would you like\nto come, upstairs?\n\nROBERT\nUpstairs?\n\nELAINE\nYeah. Upstairs?\n\nROBERT\nElaine...\n\nELAINE\nI was hoping you know, that you might\nbe interested in... changing teams?\n\nROBERT\nChanging teams?\n\nELAINE\nHave you ever thought about it?\n\nROBERT\nBut I'm a starting shortstop.\n\nELAINE\nRobert, we need a shortstop. *Real bad*.\n\nAt Monk's.\n\nGEORGE\nI tell you, when she threw that toupee\nout the window, it was the best thing\nthat ever happened to\n\nme. I feel like my old self again. Totally inadequate, completely\ninsecure, paranoid, neurotic, it's a\n\npleasure.\n\nJERRY\nGood to have you back.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd you know what else I've decided\nto do? I'm going to keep seeing the\nbald woman.\n\nJERRY\nShe's as good as anybody else.\n\nGEORGE\nHer scalp was clean. She had a nice\nskull. There just wasn't a lot of hair\non it.\n\nJERRY\nYeah you've had like a religious awakening.\nYou're like a bald-again.\n\nGEORGE\nGoing to need a little more coffee here.\n\nJERRY\nSo George, how do I beat this lie detector?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm sorry, Jerry I can't help you.\n\nJERRY\nCome on, you've got the gift. You're\nthe only one that can help me.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, I can't. It's like saying to\nPavorotti, \"Teach me to sing like you.\"\n\nJERRY\nAll right, well I've got to go take\nthis test. I can't believe I'm doing\nthis.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, just remember. It's not a lie...\nif you believe it.\n\nOutside on the street. Jerry and Elaine walking toward each other.\n\nELAINE\nHey, I did it.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nI turned him. He defected.\n\nJERRY\nGet out! (pushes Elaine) How? How did\nyou do that?\n\nELAINE\nBecause I'm a *woman*. (swiveling her\nhips) Ba-ba-ba-boom-chicka-boom-chicka-boom-boom-\n\nboom.\n\nJERRY\nElaine, do you know what you've done?\nYou've give hope to every woman who's\never said \"Too\n\nbad he's gay\".\n\nELAINE\nWell it's a lesson for the kids out\nthere. Anything's possible. Jeromy,\nI have *hit* the jackpot.\n\nThe perfect man. Nothing but sex and shopping.\n\nAt the police station.\n\nKramer is in the lineup again. He and five other people walk\ninto the room. They stand there for a few\n\nmoments. Kramer points with his eyes to the man on his left.\nHe then tilts his head a few times to the man\n\non his left.\n\nElsewhere at the police station.\n\nJerry is hooked up to the polygraph.\n\nLOU\nWhat's your name?\n\nJERRY\nJerry Seinfeld.\n\nLOU\nWhat is your address?\n\nJERRY\n129 West 81st street.\n\nLOU\nDid Kimberly steal Jo's baby?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know.\n\nCamera shot on the polygraph. The pen moves back and forth on\nthe paper.\n\nLOU\nDid Billy sleep with Allison's best\nfriend?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know.\n\nCamera shot on the polygraph. The pen moves back and forth on\nthe paper. Lou and Sergeant Tierney\n\nlook at each other.\n\nLOU\nDid Jane's finance kidnap Sydney and\ntake her to Las Vegas? And if so, did\nshe enjoy it?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know.\n\nLOU\nDid Jane sleep with Michael again?\n\nJERRY\n(He hesitates) Yes! That stupid idiot.\nHe left her for Kimberly, he slept with\nher sister. He tricked\n\nher into giving him half her business, and then she goes ahead\nand sleeps with him again. I mean she's\n\ncrazy. How could she do something like that? Oh that Jane, she\nmakes me so mad.\n\nHe picks up his coat and leaves.\n\nAt Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nHe went back? What do you mean he went\nback?\n\nELAINE\nHe went back.\n\nJERRY\nI don't understand it. You were having\nsuch a great time, the sex, the shopping.\n\nELAINE\nWell here's the thing. Being a woman,\nI only really have access to the, uh...\nequipment, what,\n\nthirty, forty-five minutes a week. And that's on a good week.\nHow can I be expected to have the same\n\nexpertise as people who *own* this equipment, and have access\nto it twenty-four hours a day, their entire\n\nlives.\n\nJERRY\nYou can't. That's why they lose very\nfew players.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I guess I never really stood a\nchance.\n\nJERRY\nWell there's always a place for you,\non our team.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. (teary-eyed) Thanks. Is Melrose\nPlace on?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. It's coming on in a few minutes.\n\nELAINE\nOkay.\n\nGeorge enters.\n\nJERRY\nHey. Don't worry it hasn't started.\n\nELAINE\nHey George, I am *really* proud of you.\nI really do admire what you've done.\n\nGEORGE\nDo you? That makes me so happy. Elaine's\nproud of me Jerry.\n\nELAINE\nWhat is the matter?\n\nGEORGE\nI got rejected by a bald woman. A bald\nwoman rejected me. Heh, you like that\none? A woman\n\nwith no prospects and no *hair*, told me that I wasn't her type.\nApparently *baldy* likes a slimmer guy.\n\nKRAMER\nWell I'll tell you what I think. I think\nshe saw you with that piece off and\nwas devastated. You\n\nblew it boy. You really blew it. And you had to ruin it for him.\nDidn't you?\n\nELAINE\nI didn't ruin anything. He looked like\nan idiot. He did, and it made him act\nlike a jerk.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, shut up, shut up, Melrose\nPlace is coming on.\n\nTheme song of Melrose Place plays on the TV.\n\nJERRY\nOh that Michael, I hate him, he's just\nso smug.\n\n(commercial)\n\nAt the police station. Kramer is in the lineup.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, how you doing Stu? Eddie, my man.\nYou again? Boy, you're a slippery one.\nYou'd better\n\nstraighten up and fly right buddy boy.\n\nMAN\nI've got an eyewitness to that jewelry\nstore break-in. Come here. Do you recognize\nanybody in the\n\nlineup?\n\nHOMELESS MAN\nThat's the guy officer. The guy there\nin the middle. The tall guy with the,\nwith the high\n\nhair. I'd recognize him anywhere.\n\nMAN\nHey you, you with the high hair, step\nforward.\n\nKRAMER\nMe?\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Doorman.html",
    "text": "THE DOORMAN\n\nWritten by\n\nTom Gammill & Max Pross\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nYou remember a few years ago in New\nYork, we had the doorman strike? They\nhave a union, in the fancy buildings,\nand they went out on strike. Now you\nwouldthink, if any group of people would\nnot wanna demonstrate what life would\nbe like without them, it would be doormen.\n(as belligerent doorman) \"Let's see\nhow they do without us!\" There's no\ndoorman, people open the door, they\nwalk in, it's... you know. Who's gonna\nwalk out next? The guys who clean your\nwindshield at the traffic light, with\nthe dirty rag? (as window washer) \"We\ndemand shorter yellows, and longer reds!\"\n\n(Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building)\n\nJerry comes in from the street and walks toward the elevators.\nA doorman, stood\n\nreading a newspaper on a counter, objects. There's an undertone\nto the doorman's\n\nvoice - unfriendly, contemptuous, even an edge of menace.\n\nDOORMAN\nWhoah, whoah, whoah. (rises and turns\nto Jerry) May I help you?\n\nJERRY\n(indicates with his thumb) Yeah, I'm\njust going up to see Elaine Benes.\n\nDOORMAN\n(unfriendly smile) Benes? (moves toward\nJerry) No-one here by that\n\nname.\n\nJERRY\nOh, she's uh, she's house-sitting for\nMr. Pitt.\n\nDOORMAN\nOh. House-sitting, mmm.\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nDOORMAN\nWhat're you, the boyfriend? Here for\na... quickie?\n\nJERRY\nCan I just go up?\n\nDOORMAN\nOh, I get it. Why waste time making\nsmall talk with the doorman? I\n\nshould just shut up and do my job, opening the door for you.\n\nThe doorman wanders back to his newspaper. Jerry shrugs and pushes\nthe button\n\nfor one of the elevators. There's a pause as he waits for it\nto arrive. The\n\ndoorman stands holding his paper, staring at Jerry, with the\nunfriendly smile on\n\nhis face. Jerry throws a smile of his own back. The elevator\nis still not\n\nmoving. Jerry tries to break the uncomfortable silence.\n\nJERRY\nHow 'bout those Knicks?\n\nDOORMAN\nOh, I see. On the sports page...\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nDOORMAN\n...What makes you think I wasn't reading\nthe Wall Street page? Oh, I\n\nknow, because I'm the uneducated doorman.\n\nJerry turns away and looks at the indicator, hoping that the\nelevator will come\n\nand rescue him.\n\n(Street)\n\nGeorge and Kramer walk along together.\n\nKRAMER\nSo, you think your parents'll get back\ntogether?\n\nGEORGE\nI hope so. I can't take him living with\nme much longer. He makes this\n\nkasha, it stinks up the whole house.\n\nKramer has noticed a 'Sightseeing Tour' bus on the street, with\na German flag\n\npainted on the door. It gives him an idea. Kramer steps in front\nof George and\n\nbrings them to a halt.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, George, stick 'em up.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nFor these German tourists. Pretend that\nI'm robbing you.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy?\n\nKRAMER\nSo these people can go back home and\ntell their friends they saw a real\n\nNew York mugging. It'll give them a thrill.\n\nKramer pushes his hand deep into a pocket and raises his arm,\ngiving the\n\nimpression that he has a gun concealed beneath his coat.\n\nKRAMER\nAwright, hands up, porky!\n\nOn the tourist bus, the occupants attention is attracted. They\nlook out the\n\nwindow at the 'mugging'. George has his hands up, and Kramer\nis feeling through\n\nGeorge's pockets with his free hand.\n\nKRAMER\nThat's it. Now, gimme your wallet. Got\nit in here, huh, fat boy!\n\nThe tourist are looking out of the bus. Shocked, they knock on\nthe glass. Kramer\n\ngrabs George by the collar of his jacket and is shaking him violently.\n\nKRAMER\n(aggressive) Is that all you got?! Hah?\nIs that all you got?!\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, that's enough.\n\nKRAMER\nI'll tell you when it's enough! (he\nreleases George) Alright, now you\n\nbetter not say anything, or I'll stalk you!\n\nKramer walks away. The tourists stare, horrified at what they've\nwitnessed.\n\n(Mr. Pitt's Apartment)\n\nElaine admits Jerry to the apartment.\n\nELAINE\nWhere've you been? We're gonna miss\nthe movie, let's go.\n\nElaine collects her bag, in readiness to leave.\n\nJERRY\nI am not going back down there. I can't\nface that guy again.\n\nELAINE\nWhat guy?\n\nJERRY\nThe doorman. I don't wanna play anymore\nof his mindgames. What time does\n\nhe get off?\n\nELAINE\nSix. But then the night doorman comes\non. He's much scarier. (scary\n\nnoise) Whugh! (laughs) Ha-ha.\n\nJERRY\nWell, it's almost six now. Can't we\njust wait til he goes home?\n\nELAINE\n(unhappy) I...\n\nJERRY\nWe'll still make the movie.\n\nELAINE\n(accepting) Okay, okay.\n\nJerry and Elaine sit on the couch to wait. They simultaneously\nlook at their\n\nwatches.\n\n(George's Apartment)\n\nGeorge and Kramer wear their jackets, ready to leave. Frank is\nin a shirt,\n\nmixing a bowl (of kasha?) as they talk.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat'd you do today, dad?\n\nFRANK\nToday, I went record shopping in Greenwich\nVillage. I bought this record,\n\nbut I can't seem to find the hi-fi.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't have a hi-fi.\n\nFRANK\nDidn't I give you my old record player?\n\nGEORGE\n(leaving to the bedroom) I gave it to\nCosmo.\n\nFRANK\nCosmo? Who's Cosmo?\n\nKRAMER\nI'm Cosmo.\n\nFRANK\nWell, I want it back. I wanna listen\nto that cha-cha record.\n\nKRAMER\n(little dance) One-two, cha-cha-cha.\n\nGEORGE\n(coming back in) Alright, alright. Can\nwe go out and eat?\n\nFRANK\n(putting down the bowl) Lemme change\nmy shirt.\n\nGeorge and Kramer stand together, by George's computer. Frank\nunfastens his\n\nshirt and opens it. Kramer and George turn and see Frank's torso\nexposed as the\n\nshirt comes off. Kramer's eyebrows go up in surprise. George\nlooks horrified,\n\nand puts his hand to his mouth like he's going to vomit.\n\n(Mr. Pitt's Apartment)\n\nElaine still sits on the couch. Jerry is standing at the window,\nholding the\n\ncurtain open and looking down at the street.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, it's six. (claps her hands) Let's\ngo.\n\nJERRY\nUh, that doorman's still milling around\noutside. He's very peculiar.\n\nThe phone on Mr. Pitt's desk rings. Jerry is nearer, so he moves\nto answer it.\n\nELAINE\nNo, don't...\n\nJERRY\n(picks up phone) Hello? (listens) Oh,\nhi Mr. Pitt.\n\nElaine looks exasperated.\n\nELAINE\n(quietly) Give that to me.\n\nELAINE\n(taking the phone) Hello Mr. Pitt. How's\nScotland?\n\nMr. Pitt sits in a comfortable chair in Scotland.\n\nMR. PITT\n(concerned) Elaine, are you having a\nparty?\n\nELAINE\nA party. Oh no, that was just my stupid\nfriend Jerry.\n\nJerry is peering out of the window again.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, he just left. We can go.\n\nMR. PITT\n(stern) Because there's to be no entertaining\nwhile I'm gone.\n\nELAINE\nBelieve me, we're not entertained. We\nwere just leaving. (to Jerry) Oh,\n\ncan you grab those empty bottles for me.\n\nJerry picks up a paper sack of empty bottles from the floor by\nthe desk.\n\nMR. PITT\nI need to know what's in the mail.\n\nELAINE\nOh, well, Mr. Pitt, there's really nothing\nthat can't wait. We're trying\n\nto catch a movie.\n\nMR. PITT\n(resolute) Well, you better catch the\nlater show, because I need to\n\nknow what's in the mail.\n\nELAINE\nAlright. (to Jerry, upset) I can't go.\n\nJerry gives an irritated glance upwards and goes to leave.\n\n(Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building)\n\nJerry emerges from the elevator (without the bottles). There\nis a new doorman on\n\nduty, who gives Jerry a friendly nod and smile and holds the\ndoor open for him.\n\nJerry nods and smiles back, and leaves.\n\n(Mr. Pitt's Apartment)\n\nElaine is kneeling with the phone. She has Mr. Pitt's mail spread\nout on the\n\nfloor in front of her and is going through it for Mr. Pitt's\nbenefit.\n\nELAINE\n...Uhm, the new Time magazine. The new\nPeople...\n\nMR. PITT\n(piqued interest) Oh, who's on the cover?\n\n(Street)\n\nJerry walks down the street. He passes a doorway, where stands\na familiar\n\nfigure. The doorman still has the attitude problem.\n\nDOORMAN\nHey, buddy.\n\nJERRY\n(surprise) You? Wh...what're you doing\nhere? You work at this building\n\ntoo?\n\nDOORMAN\nAh, sure. Poor doorman has to work two\njobs to put food on the table\n\nfor mother and baby. (supercilious) No, I live here. That's okay,\nisn't it?\n\nJERRY\nSo you work all day as a doorman at\none building. Then you come home and\n\nstand outside your own building?\n\nDOORMAN\nYou got a problem with that?\n\nJERRY\nLook, I'm not going in your building.\nI really don't have to talk to you.\n\nGoodbye.\n\nJerry walks away.\n\nDOORMAN\n(calling after Jerry) You really think\nyou're better than me, don't\n\nyou?!\n\n(Monk's)\n\nGeorge and Kramer sit one side of a booth, facing Jerry. George\nis wearing a\n\npurple shirt. Kramer's eating a sandwich heartily. George looks\nas if he might\n\nnever want to eat again.\n\nGEORGE\nMy father opened his shirt...\n\nJERRY\nYeah, and?\n\nGEORGE\n(nods to Kramer) Tell him, Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\n(matter of fact) He had breasts.\n\nGeorge nods, Jerry has a confused expression. Kramer keeps on\neating. Jerry\n\nthinks for a moment, George can't even look anyone in the eye.\n\nJERRY\nWhat d'you mean, breasts?\n\nGEORGE\n(waves his hands) Big breasts!\n\nJERRY\nSo what? A lot of older men have that.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, not these. These were real hooters.\n\nJerry pulls a face at the thought.\n\nGEORGE\nI was throwing up all night. It was\nlike my own personal Crying Game.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, maybe you're gonna get 'em too,\nGeorge.\n\nGEORGE\n(worried) Yeah, that's right. What if\nit's a genetic thing, like father\n\nlike son?\n\nJERRY\nBut, your father's not bald.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no no. That skips a generation.\nThe baldness gene comes from your\n\ngrandfather.\n\nJERRY\nThen I suppose the bosom gene comes\nfrom your grandmother.\n\nGeorge snaps his finger and points, in agreement with Jerry.\nHe continues to\n\nlook deeply worried.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, Frank can't be too comfortable\nwith those things clanging\n\naround. He should wear something for support.\n\nGEORGE\nYou mean like a bra?\n\nKRAMER\nA bra is for ladies. I'm talking about\na support undergarment\n\nspecifically designed for men.\n\nJERRY\nBoy, that brain never stops working,\ndoes it?\n\nKRAMER\nI tell you, I'm gonna go noodle with\nthis.\n\nKramer leaves. A buxom blonde woman in a purple shirt is making\nher way to the\n\ndoor, as she passes the booth she notices George.\n\nBUXOM WOMAN\n(indicating her shirt with her finger)\nHey, we're twins.\n\nGEORGE\n(thinking she means the breasts) What!!\n\nBUXOM WOMAN\nOur shirts. They're the same.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, Huh, imagine that.\n\nThe woman smiles and leaves. Elaine enters Monk's and comes over\nto Jerry. She's\n\nnot happy about something.\n\nELAINE\n(to Jerry) What? What'd you say to the\ndoorman?\n\nJERRY\nWhat? Nothing.\n\nELAINE\n(sitting beside Jerry) He claims that\nyou followed him home, and started\n\nharassing him.\n\nJERRY\nWhat has this guy got a personal vendetta\nwith me?! What'd I do to him?\n\n'Cos I asked him about the Knicks?\n\nELAINE\nHey, did you make the movie?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nELAINE\nYou wanna go tonight? You can pick me\nup.\n\nJERRY\nAlright. Can we go to a later show,\nso he's off his shift when I come by?\n\nELAINE\nUgh. So now we have to rearrange our\nlives to avoid the doorman?\n\nJERRY\nYes, we do.\n\nElaine looks over at George, wondering what he's doing. George\nis holding the\n\nneck of his shirt open, and is peering down the inside of the\ngarment at his\n\nchest. As Elaine and Jerry watch, George jiggles his upper body,\nto see if\n\nthere's any movement.\n\nELAINE\nWhat is wrong with George?\n\nJERRY\nHe's... trying to get something off\nhis chest.\n\nGeorge ends his experiment, and rises to leave. He digs in his\nwallet to pay the\n\ncheque.\n\nGEORGE\n(agitated) Alright, I gotta try and\ntalk my mother into taking him off\n\nmy hands.\n\n(Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building)\n\nJerry enters from the street, only to find the unpleasant doorman\nstanding\n\ninside the lobby. The doorman's demeanour hasn't improved.\n\nDOORMAN\nHelp you?\n\nJERRY\n(jumps in surprise) Hoh! What're you\ndoing here? You're supposed to be\n\ngone.\n\nDOORMAN\nI traded shifts with the night doorman.\nHe had some personal affairs to\n\nattend to. You see, my fellow doorman and I watch out for each\nother. We don't\n\nstab each other in the back, like people in your world.\n\nJERRY\n(trying to ease the tension) Look, I\ndon't want any trouble. I don't have\n\na doorman in my building. I guess I'm just not used to talking\nto them. I'd\n\nreally just like to be friends.\n\nDOORMAN\nYou wanna be friends?\n\nJERRY\nI'd like to be.\n\nDOORMAN\nThen watch the door for a minute, would\nyou?\n\nThe doorman swaps places with Jerry, putting Jerry beside the\ncounter.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nDOORMAN\nYeah, I just wanna run and get a beer.\nI'll be back in a minute.\n\nJERRY\nWha...? Wai... wait a second. What do\nI do?\n\nDOORMAN\nIt's not brain surgery. You open the\ndoor for people who live here.\n\nAnd, if they don't live here, don't let them in. (takes off his\nhat) Here.\n\n(putting it on Jerry's head) Wear that.\n\nJERRY\nOh.\n\nThe doorman goes out the door. Jerry takes off the hat, which\nhe's not thrilled\n\nabout wearing, and leans on the counter. The doors of an elevator\nopen, and a\n\nyoung woman pushing a baby buggy emerges and heads for the exit.\nAfter a second,\n\nJerry realises his job. He puts on the hat and opens the door\nto allow the woman\n\nto leave. AS he opens the door, a man enters and strolls past\nJerry into the\n\nelevator vacated by the woman.\n\nJERRY\n(to the man in the elevator) Hey, hey.\nWait a second. Hey! Hello!\n\nThe man takes no notice of Jerry, the doors close. The street\ndoor opens and\n\nanother, older guy, enters. Jerry moves and challenges him.\n\nJERRY\nHey, hey, wait a second. You live here?\n\nMR. GREEN\n(indignant) Of course I live here. I've\nlived here for twenty years.\n\nNow, if you don't let me in, I'm going to call the police and\nhave you arrested.\n\nJerry steps aside and motions for the guy to carry on into the\nbuilding, but he\n\nlooks resentful about it.\n\nJERRY\n(after the guy) You think you're better\nthan me?\n\n(Bus)\n\nGeorge is riding the bus. As the vehicle travels along the street,\nit rattles,\n\nshakes and shudders like all poorly maintained public transport.\nGeorge is\n\nstrap-hanging, and he gets a worried look as he feels there might\nbe some\n\nmovement on his chest. He puts his hands on his chest, then notices\nanother guy\n\non the buss looking at him. Self-consciously, George pulls his\ncoat tight shut,\n\nand crosses his arms firmly.\n\n(Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building)\n\nJerry is standing behind the counter, reading the doorman's newspaper.\nA FedEx\n\ndelivery guy enters with a package, lays it on the counter and\nscans a barcode\n\non it with a little device he takes from his pocket. Jerry watches,\n\ndisinterested. There is a brief pause, as the FedEx guy waits\nfor something.\n\nDELIVERY GUY\n(indicating) You have to sign for it.\n\nJERRY\nOh, right.\n\nJerry takes the FedEx guy's pen and signs for the package, then\ngoes back to the\n\nnewspaper.\n\nDELIVERY GUY\n(with a smile) Hey, how 'bout those\nKnicks, huh?\n\nJerry gives the guy a hostile look, much as the doorman might.\n\nJERRY\n(dismissive) Yeah, yeah, yeah.\n\nThe FedEx guy leaves, looking a touch unhappy at Jerry's attitude.\nJerry puts\n\nthe paper down, and goes to have a look through the door. There's\nno sign of the\n\ndoorman, so Jerry tosses the hat onto the counter, dismissing\nit with a wave of\n\nthe hand as he moves to the elevator.\n\n(George's Apartment)\n\nFrank opens the door, to reveal Kramer, carrying a large portable\nrecord player.\n\nKRAMER\nHey. I uh, brought back your record\nplayer, huh.\n\nFRANK\nThank you, Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nFRANK\n(indicating a chair) Put it over there.\n\nKramer dumps the record player on the chair. Frank goes to the\ncouch, not moving\n\nvery easily.\n\nKRAMER\nSo, how you feeling?\n\nFRANK\nTired.\n\nKRAMER\nUh huh. Your back hurt?\n\nFRANK\nHow did you know?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, it's obvious, you know. You're\ncarrying a lot of extra baggage up\n\nthere.\n\nFRANK\n(looks down, and indicates his chest)\nUp here?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah. Top floor. (sits beside Frank)\nListen, Frank, have you ever\n\nconsidered wearing something for support? Now, look at this.\n(reaches into his\n\npocket) Mind you, this is just a prototype.\n\nKramer brings out a garment constructed of canvas and elasticated\nfabric.\n\nFRANK\nYou want me to wear a bra?!\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no. A bra is for ladies.\n\nKramer holds the garment up to his own chest.\n\nKRAMER\nMeet, the bro.\n\n(Estelle's Car)\n\nEstelle is driving a preoccupied-looking George.\n\nESTELLE\nSo, is your father excited about coming\nhome?\n\nGeorge is miles away.\n\nESTELLE\nGeorge?\n\nGEORGE\n(broaching a subject) Hey mom. What\nkind of woman was grandma?\n\nESTELLE\nAll of a sudden you're interested in\nyour grandmother?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, you know. You get to a certain\npoint, you wanna know about your\n\nroots.\n\nESTELLE\nShe was a lovely woman.\n\nGEORGE\nYuh. What about physically?\n\nESTELLE\nPhysically?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, you know, what'd she uh, look\nlike?\n\nESTELLE\nWell, you've seen pictures.\n\nGEORGE\n(to himself) You can't tell much from\nthose pictures.\n\nESTELLE\nSo what?\n\nGEORGE\nWas she uh, was she a big, uh woman?\n\nESTELLE\nBig? No, just my height.\n\nGEORGE\nBosomy?\n\nESTELLE\nBosomy? You wanna know if your grandmother\nwas bosomy?!\n\nGEORGE\n(trying to laugh it off) No, I was just\nwondering. The information could\n\nbe relevant.\n\nESTELLE\nWhere do you get your genes from?!\n\nGEORGE\n(to himself) That's what I'd like to\nknow.\n\n(Elevator, Mr. Pitt's Building)\n\nElaine and Jerry ride down.\n\nELAINE\nI can't believe you left your post.\n\nJERRY\nHe left me there. You see the mind games?\n\nThe bell rings as they reach the lobby, and the doors open.\n\n(Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building)\n\nElaine and Jerry emerge into the lobby to find four or five tenants\nstanding\n\naround, and a uniformed cop taking notes.\n\nELAINE\n(to one of the tenants) Hey, what's\nup? What's going on here?\n\nTENANT 1\nSomebody stole the couch out of the\nlobby.\n\nJerry and Elaine look shocked.\n\nTENANT 2\nWhere's the doorman? How come someone\nwasn't watching the door?\n\nELAINE\n(quietly to Jerry) Jerry, let's get\nout of here.\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nElaine and Jerry depart the scene of the crime in some haste.\n\n(George's Apartment)\n\nFrank's cha-cha record is playing loudly on the record player.\nFrank and Kramer\n\nare half-dancing to the music, as Frank tries on the bro. Kramer\nstands behind\n\nFrank, making adjustments to the garment. The door opens and\nGeorge and Estelle\n\nenter. They see the dancing twosome, and the undergarment, and\nlook stunned.\n\nESTELLE\n(shocked) Oh, my god!\n\nGeorge is frozen, staring. Kramer carries on dancing, behind\na relatively\n\nunfazed Frank.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nThe lighting, with moonlight coming through the blinds, and Elaine's\nred dress,\n\ngive a very noirish look to the scene.\n\nELAINE\nWhat were you doing watching the door\nanyway?\n\nJERRY\nHe asked me to. We were getting along.\n\nELAINE\n(thinking) You know, my fingerprints\nare all over this. That doorman\n\nknows you're a friend of mine. He'll tell that co-op lady, she'll\ntell Mr.\n\nPitt... Jerry, I'm in this too deep.\n\nJERRY\nDon't you find it odd that as soon as\nhe leaves, the couch gets stolen?\n\nMaybe he's setting me up!\n\nELAINE\n(taking command) Alright, shut up. Shut\nup. Just let me think. I gotta\n\nthink. We gotta get our story straight.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, well what if we say...\n\nELAINE\nAlright, (claps hands) here it is. This\nis what we'll tell 'em. You came\n\nto pick me up...\n\nJERRY\nI came to pick you up.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. That's what I just said.\n\nJERRY\nI know. I was just...\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I know what you were just. It's\nnot helping.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, well. Just, start again, then.\n\nELAINE\nOkay, you came to pick me up at...\n\nJERRY\nRight.\n\nELAINE\nYou see? Again.\n\nJERRY\nWhat? I said right.\n\nElaine give Jerry a look like he's an idiot.\n\nELAINE\nAlright, you came right upstairs, without\ntalking to the doorman.\n\nJERRY\nBut the doorman's gonna say that I was\nthere.\n\nELAINE\n(intense) So what? No-one's gonna believe\na doorman!\n\nJERRY\nBut I don't know if this is gonna work.\n\nELAINE\n(aggressive, with finger pointing) Just\nstick with the story. We'll be\n\nfine. Let me do the talking!\n\nJERRY\nOkay.\n\nELAINE\nGood. Now fix me a drink.\n\n(George's Apartment)\n\nFrank has his shirt back on, over the bro.\n\nKRAMER\nHow's that feel?\n\nFRANK\nThis feels very comfortable.\n\nKRAMER\nYou see?\n\nFRANK\nI feel ten years younger.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, and your posture's a lot better.\nLook at you.\n\nFrank walks a few paces.\n\nFRANK\nAnd I can breathe easier, too.\n\nKRAMER\nI told you! Now, Frank, listen. Here's\nwhat I'm thinking. Now, you have\n\na friend in the bra business, right?\n\nFRANK\nOf course. Sid Farkus. He's the best\nin the business.\n\nKRAMER\n(claps his hands) Here's our chance.\nWhat d'you say? It'll be me, you\n\nand the bro, bro.\n\nFRANK\nLet's do it!\n\nKramer and Frank share an elaborate and forceful handshake.\n\nFRANK\nExcept, we gotta do something about\nthe name.\n\nKRAMER\nWhy, what's wrong with bro?\n\nFRANK\nNo, bro's no good. Too ethnic.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, you got something better?\n\nFRANK\nHow 'bout uh... the mansiere?\n\nKRAMER\nMansiere?\n\nFRANK\nThat's right. A brassiere for a man.\nThe mansiere, get it?\n\nGeorge enters, unhappy. He tosses his keys aside.\n\nGEORGE\n(upset) Well, you've scared her off.\nWe may never see mom again.\n\nFRANK\nHey George, what d'you like better?\nThe bro, or the mansiere?\n\nGeorge looks down at the floor for a few seconds.\n\nGEORGE\nDad. We need to talk.\n\n(Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building)\n\nThe unpleasant doorman is being grilled by a severe looking Mrs.\nPayton.\n\nDOORMAN\nI had to use the bathroom, so I asked\nthis guy to watch the door for a\n\nfew minutes.\n\nBehind Mrs. Payton, Elaine enters from the street and strolls\nto the elevator.\n\nMRS. PAYTON\nWhy should I believe you?\n\nDOORMAN\n(indicating Elaine) Actually, it was\nher friend.\n\nElaine turns as she hears this, and Mrs. Payton goes to talk\nto her. Elaine\n\nlooks a tad worried at first but, of course, she has a plan.\n\nMRS. PAYTON\nI was just speaking to the doorman here,\nabout the couch robbery.\n\nThe doorman peers over at the conversing\n\nELAINE\nOh really? (skeptical) The doorman.\nAnd, pray tell, what did the doorman\n\nsay?\n\nMRS. PAYTON\nHe said he asked a friend of yours to\nwatch the door.\n\nELAINE\n(dismissive) Oh, my. Well, the doorman\ncertainly has a wild imagination,\n\ndoesn't he?\n\nMeanwhile, the doorman has discovered something behind the counter.\nHe brings\n\nout the FedEx package Jerry signed for and carried it toward\nMrs. Payton.\n\nDOORMAN\nWell... what do we have here? Perhaps\nMiss Benes could explain why a\n\nJerry Seinfeld signed for this package (handing the package to\nMrs. Payton) at\n\nthe exact same time the couch was stolen.\n\nMrs. Payton and the doorman both look at Elaine. Elaine looks\nsick, as she's\n\ncaught out.\n\nELAINE\n(in a rush) He never watched a door\nbefore, Mrs Payton, he didn't know\n\nhow to do it. (pleading) You know, he's a comedian, Mrs Payton,\nthey don't know\n\nhow to do anything.\n\nThe doorman walks silently away with the package and a quiet\nsmile of triumph.\n\nELAINE\n(desperate) Don't you see what's going\non here? He set us up. He's\n\nplaying all these mindgames.\n\nThe doorman stands behind his counter, smiling at Elaine's discomfiture.\n\n(Monk's)\n\nJerry and a downcast George sit one side of a booth, with an\nanimated Elaine\n\nfacing them.\n\nJERRY\nYou're saying I'm responsible for the\ncouch?\n\nELAINE\n(worked up) There was nothing I could\ndo. He said he had a Federal\n\nExpress slip with your signature on it.\n\nJERRY\n(livid) Diabolical. He thought of everything.\nHe was setting me up from\n\nday one!\n\nELAINE\nIs it possible we were victims of a\nsting?\n\nJERRY\nI'm sure he's having a good laugh over\nthis with his doorman buddies.\n\nJerry stares off, as he imagines...\n\n(Jerry's Imagination)\n\nIn the lobby of Mr. Pitt's building, a bunch of doormen stand\naround the\n\nunpleasant doorman, laughing at his tale.\n\nDOORMAN 2\nSo, you didn't even (indistinct) watch\nthe couch?\n\nDOORMAN\nNo. I was just messing with his head.\n\nDOORMAN 2\nAnd they think they're better than us?\n\nThe doormen whoop it up again\n\n(Monk's)\n\nJerry has an expression of pure hatred for all doormen.\n\nELAINE\nAnyway, Jerry... Jerry?\n\nJerry snaps back to the here and now.\n\nELAINE\nWe have to replace the couch.\n\nJERRY\nNow we have to buy a new couch?!\n\nA thought occurs to George.\n\nGEORGE\n(crafty) Not necessarily. Why don't\nyou take back the couch you gave me?\n\nJERRY\nThe one with the Poppie stain?!\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, sure. (big smile) Then my father\nwill have no place to sleep.\n\n(snaps fingers) He's gotta move out.\n\nELAINE\nBut it's got a pee-stain on it.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, the cushion's turned over.\n\nELAINE\n(not sure) I guess.\n\nGEORGE\n(enthusiastic) Yeah. You get a couch.\nI get rid of my father. It\n\ncouldn't be more perfect!\n\n(Sid Farkus' Office)\n\nSid Farkus sits behind his desk, in front of which sit Kramer\nand Frank. Kramer\n\nis holding his invention as they pitch it to Farkus.\n\nKRAMER\nNow, it's called the bro.\n\nFRANK\nOr, the mansiere.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, but I prefer the bro.\n\nFRANK\nI like mansiere.\n\nKramer puts the bro on the desk.\n\nFARKUS\nWell, I have to tell you, it's a very\ninteresting idea.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nFARKUS\nYou know, selling bras exclusively to\nwomen, we're really only utilising\n\nfifty percent of the market.\n\nFRANK\n(to Kramer) That's what we figured,\nhuh?\n\nKRAMER\n(to Frank) I told you.\n\nFARKUS\nAnd, to be perfectly frank, I've always\nfelt I could use some support. I\n\nknow, when I'm wearing Banlon, there appears to be some jiggling.\n\nFRANK\n(vehement) I wouldn't be caught dead\nin Banlon.\n\nKramer shakes his head at the very thought of Banlon.\n\nFARKUS\n(indicating the bro) So uh, what d'you\nsee in the back? Hooks? Velcro?\n\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nUh.\n\nFRANK\nDefinitely velcro.\n\nFarkus gives a questioning look to Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nSay you're getting intimate with a woman\nuh, you don't want her fumbling\n\nand struggling back there.\n\nThe three of them chuckle at the thought.\n\nKRAMER\nI think we've all experienced that.\n\nThey share a manly laugh.\n\nFARKUS\nSummer nights.\n\nThe laughter continues for a moment.\n\nKRAMER\n(pointing at Farkus) Very funny.\n\nFARKUS\nWell, I still have to talk about this\nto Mr. Degrunmont...\n\nKRAMER\nOf course, yes.\n\nFARKUS\n...But, barring any unforeseen developments,\ngentlemen, I think we're\n\nsitting on a winner.\n\nFarkus offers his hand. Kramer shakes, and then takes his prototype\nand moves\n\ntoward the door. Frank then shakes Farkus' hand.\n\nFARKUS\n(sympathy) Frank, I wanna tell you how\nsorry I am to hear about you and\n\nEstelle separating.\n\nKramer hovers behind Frank, waiting to leave.\n\nFRANK\nOh, thank you, Sid, but that's all in\nthe past. I'm ready to move on.\n\nFARKUS\n(thoughtful) I've always been very fond\nof Estelle. Beautiful woman. I\n\nuh, I hope you don't think uh, this is out of line, but would\nit be okay with\n\nyou, if I were to ask her out?\n\nFRANK\n(anger) You wanna go out with my wife?!\n(rage) Where do you get the nerve\n\nto ask me something like that?!\n\nFARKUS\nOh, no, Frank, I was just saying...\n\nKramer tries to calm Frank down.\n\nFRANK\nI know what you're saying, and I know\nwhat you're thinking!!\n\nFARKUS\nNo, Frank...\n\nFRANK\nC'mon, Cosmo, I'm not doing business\nwith this guy.\n\nFrank storms out in a rage. Kramer gives Farkus an 'I'll calm\nhim down' look and\n\nfollows Frank out the door.\n\nKRAMER\nFrank!\n\n(George's Apartment)\n\nFrank and Kramer have just arrived, to find George packing a\nsuitcase.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry took the couch back.\n\nFRANK\nHe took it back? Didn't you tell him\nI was using it?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, I pleaded with him.\n\nFRANK\nWhere am I supposed to sleep?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I took the liberty of packing\nyour things. (gleeful) Mom's coming\n\nto get you.\n\nKRAMER\nI thought Jerry didn't want that couch,\nbecause of the stain?\n\nGeorge waves at Kramer to shut the hell up.\n\nFRANK\nWhat stain?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, you didn't notice? It has a pee-stain.\n\nGeorge bites his lip and shakes his head.\n\nFRANK\n(disbelief) You had me sleeping on a\npee-stained couch?\n\nGEORGE\n(light) No. No, no, no. The cushion\nwas turned over.\n\nFRANK\n(anger) But, the very idea. you had\nme lying in urine!!\n\nGeorge flashes Kramer an aggrieved look. There is a knock at\nthe door.\n\nGEORGE\nAh! There's mom, there's mom.\n\nGeorge races over and opens the door.\n\nESTELLE\nIs it safe to come in?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, of course. (motioning Estelle to\nenter) Of course.\n\nESTELLE\nYou're not having any of your transvestite\nparties?\n\nFRANK\nWill you stop it?\n\nESTELLE\n(to Kramer) I lived with him for forty\nyears, I never saw him trying on\n\nmy underwear. As soon as he leaves the house, he turns into J.\nEdgar Hoover!\n\nAs Estelle speaks, Frank goes into the bedroom and brings out\nthe record player.\n\nFRANK\nHere, Cosmo...\n\nKRAMER\nOh, hey.\n\nFRANK\n...You can have the hi-fi. (hands it\nover) I don't need it now...\n\nKRAMER\nAwright, I got it.\n\nFRANK\n...I got one at home.\n\nGeorge is helping Frank on with his coat, a happy smile beaming\nfrom his face.\n\nESTELLE\nAlright, let's go.\n\nKramer opens the door.\n\nFRANK\nWe'll go out for dinner tonight.\n\nESTELLE\nI can't tonight, I'm busy.\n\nFRANK\nWhat d'you mean, busy?\n\nESTELLE\nI'm having dinner with someone.\n\nFRANK\nWith whom?\n\nGeorge drapes the coat across Frank's shoulders.\n\nESTELLE\nSid Farkus.\n\nFRANK\n(anger) Sid Farkus?! You're not having\ndinner with a bra salesman.\n\nGeorge has picked up Frank's three suitcases, and is all ready\nto help carry\n\nthem out to the car.\n\nESTELLE\nHey, he only sells them. He doesn't\nwear 'em.\n\nFRANK\nOkay, that's it! I'm not coming home!\n\nFrank sits down in a chair. George's face drops.\n\nGEORGE\n(upset) But you can't stay here. There's\nno place to sleep!\n\nFRANK\nWe'll work something out.\n\nGeorge drops the cases in disappointment.\n\n(Street)\n\nThe German sightseeing bus comes to a halt at the kerb. Kramer\ncomes around the\n\ncorner, carrying the record player in his arms. An elderly woman,\none of the\n\nwitnesses to the 'mugging' of George, recognises Kramer as he\npasses. She climbs\n\nout of the bus and points after Kramer.\n\nGERMAN WOMAN\nStop him! Ja, ja, ja, it's him!\n\nKramer looks back at the sound and sees the woman coming after\nhim. He turns\n\nback and continues walking. The other German tourists get off\nthe bus and join\n\nthe woman as she follows Kramer.\n\nGERMAN WOMAN\nStop that man! It's him.\n\nKramer looks worried and continues to carry his record player,\npushing past\n\nbystanders as the tourists close on him.\n\nGERMAN WOMAN\nSomebody, stop him! Please, quick. Stop,\nit's him. I know, I know.\n\nHelp. Stop him.\n\nKramer dives into a doorway, but the doors are locked, so he's\ntrapped by the\n\ntourists, who block his escape.\n\nHORST\nHey, hey. (pointing) That record player\nis not yours.\n\nKRAMER\nNow, look. Somebody gave it to me.\n\nHORST\nYou're a thief. We have proof.\n\nHorst spots the straps of the bro hanging from Kramer's pocket.\n\nHORST\nWhat is that?\n\nKramer puts down the record player and brings out the bro. He\nholds it up\n\nagainst his body, to illustrate his words.\n\nKRAMER\nThe first upper-body support undergarment,\nspecifically designed for\n\nmen.\n\nOne of the tourists nudges another, portlier, tourist on the\nshoulder at\n\nKramer's explanation.\n\nHORST\nHow does it connect in the back? With\na hook?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, no, no. (demonstrates) Here, velcro.\n\nThe portlier German reaches for Kramer's bro. The tourists are\nall looking much\n\nmore jovial.\n\nHORST\n(to the portly German) Ooh, (indistinct\nGerman) ...keine problem, ah?\n\nThe tourists laugh uproariously, with Kramer joining in, and\nthe portly German\n\nholding the bro up to himself.\n\nHORST\nIs gut, ja?\n\n(Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building)\n\nJerry and Elaine have just dropped off the couch into the lobby.\nMrs. Payton\n\nregards it critically. The doorman stands in the background as\nthe delivery men\n\nleave.\n\nMRS. PAYTON\nWell, I suppose it'll have to do.\n\nELAINE\nIt's a beautiful couch.\n\nJERRY\nIt's hardly been used.\n\nElaine and Mrs. Payton walk away together. An elevator arrives,\nand a familiar\n\ncharacter steps out and is noticed by Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nPoppie!\n\nPOPPIE\nOh, hello, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nWhat're you doing here?\n\nPOPPIE\nVisiting my friend.\n\nJERRY\nOhh. Hey, how you feeling?\n\nPOPPIE\nOh, much better, much better. The doctors\nsay I cannot have no\n\naggravation.\n\nJERRY\nHmm.\n\nPOPPIE\nSo, I sell the restaurant, uh? I just\ntake it easy. See, if I get\n\nexcited, 'ats aggravated my condition. The last time I got aggravated,\nwas in\n\nthe restaurant. With your friend.\n\nPoppie holds his hands out, indicating someone of Elaine's height.\nJerry nods,\n\nremembering and in sympathy.\n\nPOPPIE\nShe start the big fight, about abortion.\n\nElaine comes back over to Jerry and the couch. Poppie spots her\napproach, and is\n\nnot happy.\n\nPOPPIE\nIt's you! It's you!\n\nELAINE\nWha...?\n\nPOPPIE\nYou! I... I gotta sit down!\n\nPoppie, aggravated, moves toward the couch.\n\nJERRY\nNo, Poppie! No!!\n\nPoppie sinks onto the couch, despite the pleas, and horrified\nexpressions, of\n\nJerry and Elaine.\n\n(George's Apartment)\n\nGeorge sits up in bed reading a magazine. Frank enters, carrying\na small bowl.\n\nGeorge puts his magazine to one side, as Frank carefully climbs\ninto bed whilst\n\nkeeping hold of the bowl. George takes off his glasses, as Frank\nsettles back.\n\nPicking up a spoon from the bowl Frank is about to eat, when\na thought occurs.\n\nCarefully, Frank reaches over with the spoon, to offer George\na taste.\n\nFRANK\nKasha?\n\nGeorge looks disdainfully at the spoonful. A few morsels have\nfallen onto the\n\nbedclothes, George picks them up and puts them back into Frank's\nbowl.\n\nGEORGE\nNo. Thanks, dad.\n\nWearily, George puts his glasses on the bedside table, and switches\noff his bedside lamp, bringing darkness to the room. George shuffles\ndown beneath the bedclothes, to get comfortable, just as Frank switches\non his bedside lamp.\n\nExasperated, George lifts his pillow and places it over his own\nface, as Frank continues to eat his kasha.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Jimmy.html",
    "text": "THE JIMMY\n\nWritten by\n\nGregg Kavet & Andy Robin\n\n(The New York Health Club. Jerry, Kramer and George are getting\ndressed)\n\nGEORGE\nThat guy was amazing, he could dunk\nand he was my height...What\n\nwas his name again?\n\nJERRY\nJimmy\n\nGEORGE\nJimmy, right.\n\nJERRY\nI dunno how you could forget . He kept\nreffering to himself in the\n\nthird person.\n\nJimmy's under the boards. Jimmy's in the open. Jimmy makes the\nshot.\n\nGEORGE\nAh! your just mad 'cause we beat ya.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry it's my fault .I couldn't make\na shot. These losses they stay\n\nwith me. They (?) Jerry.\n\nNow this is gonna plague me.( Puts on aftershave and cries out)\n\nOH! Mother!!!\n\nJimmy walks in\n\nGEORGE\nHEY! JIMMY!!! ha ha ha........Great\ngame.\n\nJIMMY\nOH yeah.......Jimmy played pretty good.\n\nGEORGE\nHey you know, I felt we had like a synergy\nout there, you know, like we were really\nhelping each other.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat d'you got there?\n\nJIMMY\nThese?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah\n\nJIMMY\nThese are Jimmy's training shoes.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, yeah yeah yeah! I've seen these.....they\nsorta ..they make your legs..stronger.\n\nJIMMY\nOh yeah! Jimmy couldn't jump at all\nbefore he got these. Jimmy was like\nyou (looks at G.)\n\nKRAMER\nThey're Plyometric.\n\nGEORGE\nPlyometric?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah! They isolate the muscles. The\nmuscle has to grow....or die.\n\nGEORGE\n(to Jimmy) Wh...Where d'you get'em?\n\nJIMMY\nJimmy sells'em.\n\nGEORGE\nYou sell them?\n\nJIMMY\nOh yeah! But Jimmy's all out right now.\nMoving to Manhattan set Jimmy back a\nbit.\n\nGEORGE\nHey listen, let me give you my card.\nIt's got my home number on it. I want\nto buy the first pair when the next\nshipment comes in.\n\nJIMMY\nAll right\n\nGEORGE\nAll right Jimmy Good talking to ya.\n\nJIMMY\nJimmy'll see you around.\n\nJimmy leaves.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat day is today?....Aw. ..Tuesday!\nDamn it. I shouldn't have worked out\ntoday. Mr Wilhem has called a big meeting\nand now I'm gonna be sweating through\nthe whole thing.\n\nJERRY\nWhy. You took a shower?\n\nGEORGE\nAahhrgh...it wouldn't take. Ten minutes\nfrom now, I'll be sweating all over\nagain, I can feel it. I'm a human heat\npump!\n\nKRAMER\nYou should take cold showers.\n\nGEORGE\nCold showers? They're for psychotics.\n\nKramer Well I take 'em........They give me a Whooooosh.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, I'll see you guys later.\n\nJERRY\nAw right.\n\nKRAMER\nSo, you're heading home?\n\nJERRY\nNo...Got dental appointment.\n\nKRAMER\nAh! what.. Tim Whatley?\n\nJERRY\nYeah!\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah.! I got a check up on Thursday.\n\nJERRY\nOh! How d'you like that?\n\nKRAMER\nYou know.. You really shouldn't brush\n24 hours before seeing the\n\ndentist.\n\nJERRY\nI think that's eat 24 hours before surgery.\n\nKRAMER\nOh no, you got to eat before surgery,\nyou need your strength.\n\nKramer leaves. Jerry is speechless.\n\nSCENE TWO\nMeeting at Yankee Stadium.\n\nWILHEM\nI called this meeting because we......have........a\nproblem. For\n\nthe last few months someone has been stealing equipment from\nthe\n\nclub. Until recently it's been little things, y'know; bases,\n\nbatting helmets, donuts, but two nights ago they pulled the big\none.\n\nThe camera goes back and forth from Wilhem to George who keeps\npulling on\n\nhis collar he's sweating.\n\nWILHEM\nThey took a pitching machine, a batting\ncage,the in-field tarp and\n\nall of Mr Steinbrenner's vitamins.. Now, we have reasons to\n\nbelieve it's an inside job.\n\nGEORGE\n(still puffing)Whoa!!\n\nWILHEM\nIf anybody here knows anything about\nit I recommend strongly\n\nthat...you come forward.\n\nWilhem looks at George who's sweating so much it seems he's hiding\n\nsomething.\n\nScene cuts to Tim Whatley's dental office.\n\nRECEPTIONIST\nDr Whatley's running a little late.\nIf you'd like to take a\n\nseat, I'll call you when he's ready.\n\nJERRY\nAll right.\n\nJerry sits down and browses through the magazine on the table\nand\n\ndiscovers Tim has Penthouse magazines for patients to read.\n\nScene then switches to Jerry's apartment. Elaine is on the phone.\n\nELAINE\nOh! Okay. Right. Thanks Mr Pitt....'kay.\n..goodbye.\n\nELAINE\n(to Jerry) Hey! You want to go see\nThe Velvet Fog.\n\nJERRY\nThe Velvet fog?\n\nELAINE\nYeah! Mel Torm\u00e9, That's his nickname.\n\nJERRY\nWhat the hell his a velvet fog.\n\nELAINE\nDo you wanna go or not?\n\nJERRY\nWell, where is it?.\n\nELAINE\nHe's performing at this AMCA benefit.\n\nJERRY\nAMCA?\n\nELAINE\nAble Mentally Challenged Adults\n\nJERRY\nNaaaaaa...I can't watch a man sing a\nsong.\n\nELAINE\nWhat are you..crazy?\n\nJERRY\nThey get all emotional, they sway.\nIt's embarrassing.\n\nELAINE\nWell, what am I gonna do for a date.?...Oh!\ndo you know that\n\n..hemmm! blond guy who's always at the exercycle at the health\n\nclub.?\n\nJERRY\nI don't think so.\n\nELAINE\nYeah yeah! He's really handsome with\nthose...\n\nJERRY\n(interrupting) Elaine, I really don't...............pay\nmuch\n\nattention to men`s faces.\n\nELAINE\nYou can't find beauty in a man?\n\nJERRY\nNo... I find them repugnant and unappealing.\n\nKramer bursts in\n\nKRAMER\nHey!\n\nJERRY\n(pointing Kramer) To wit\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nNo,Elaine and I we're just discussing\nwhether I could admit a man\n\nis attractive.\n\nKRAMER\nHmm! Oh! Yeah. I'll tell you who is\nan attractive man; Gorge Will.\n\nJERRY\nReally!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah! He has clean looks, scrubbed and\nshampooed and....\n\nELAINE\nHe's smart....\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no I don't find him all that bright.\n\nKRAMER\nSo you got any cavities?\n\nJERRY\nJust one....gotta go back.....Oh but\nget this. Elaine, you will\n\nappreciate this. I'm sitting in Tim Whatley's waiting room...He's\n\ngot a Penthouse right out on the table.\n\nELAINE\nPenthouse?\n\nJERRY\nYeah!!! What is that? I mean isn't that\nsick. I mean, I'd be\n\nembarrassed to have that in my apartment.\n\nKRAMER\nSo what's wrong with that?\n\nJERRY\n(outraged) He's a doctor!.I mean it's\nsupposed to be like a sterile\n\nenvironment.\n\nKRAMER\nSo... Did you take a look?\n\nJERRY\nOf course.... But that's got nothing\nto do with it.\n\nKRAMER\nWell I'll tell you I'm looking forward\nto my appointment on\n\nThursday. I might even get there a few minutes early.\n\nGeorge comes in. Kramer walks out.\n\nGEORGE\nHey\n\nELAINE\nHey! Hey! listen ... Do one of you guys\nknow that ..that blond guy\n\nwho's always on the exercycle at the health club. You know he's\n\njust really handsome?..\n\nGEORGE\n(head down low) I...I wouldn't know\n\nELAINE\nYou know that just admitting a man is\nhandsome doesn't necessarily\n\nmake you a homosexual.\n\nGEORGE\nIt doesn't help\n\nELAINE\nAll right, I'm gone\n\nGEORGE\nI'll see you.\n\nGEORGE\n(to Jerry) You know those shoes that\nJimmy had? I cut a deal with\n\nhim. We're gonna import a case of them together.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you doing that for, you got\na job\n\nGEORGE\nThere's a lot of money in this.. He's\ngot a proven sales method\n\nJERRY\nYeah! What's that.\n\nGEORGE\nHe jumps!\n\nJERRY\nJimmy's got a record. Jimmy's jumping\nfor dollars. Jimmt and George\n\nare gonna get rich.\n\nGEORGE\nWill you stop with the Jimmies\n\nKramer takes something out of the fridge\n\nKRAMER\nHey! What's this?\n\nJERRY\nKom Pau(sp?\n\nKramer tastes the chicken but realizes too late how hot and spicy\nit his\n\nKRAMER\n(gasp_)......Kom Pau........\n\nElaine at the health club trying to attract the handsome blond\nguy's attention.\n\nELAINE\n(We hear what she thinks) Look at me....Look\nat Mee!. Come on. I'm\n\nstretching right in front of you. Heeeey!! ...a smile. Aah! we\nmade\n\ncontact, all right one more stretch and then go talk to him.\n\nHank leaves as she's ready to make her move. Elaine turns to\ntry to find\n\nout where he could be and stops when she takes notice of Jimmy.\n\nJIMMY\nYou know...Jimmy is pretty sweet on\nyou.\n\nELAINE\nAaaaaahhh! He is?!\n\nJIMMY\nOh yeah!. Jimmy's been watching you....you're\njust Jimmy's type.\n\nELAINE\nAAaaaaahhh! Really?(giggles)\n\nJIMMY\nJimmy's new in town. Jimmy hem ..doesn't\nreally know anyone.\n\nELAINE\nOh! well I'd like, like to get to know\nhim.\n\nJIMMY\nJimmy would like to get to know you.\n\nELAINE\nHa....\n\nScene cuts to Tim Whatley's office. Kramer is in the chair.\n\nWHATLEY\nHey! Kramer\n\nKRAMER\nBoy, you're looking sharp there Tim.\n\nWHATLEY\nYeah Well....I do what I can. How've\nyou been.\n\nKRAMER\nEuh.. Fine, good, yeah! Just been\noccupying myself with some of\n\nyour....hem reading material.\n\nWHATLEY\nSo what'ill it be? Novocaine?\n\nKRAMER\nOh yes, yes indeed.\n\nWHATLEY\nWhy don't we just clear a path first.\n\nKRAMER\nyeah, yeah, lets do that.\n\nWHATLEY\nYou remember Mr. Thirsty.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right euhhm.....\n\nWhatley puts the suction device in Kramer's mouth and loud suctions\nsounds\n\nare heard.\n\nScene then cuts back to the health club where Kramer is trying\nthe\n\nvertical lift shoes.\n\nJERRY\nAhh! You too with these?\n\nKRAMER\n(still under the effects of the Novocaine\nslurrs his words heavily)\n\nYeah H'amon board.\n\nJERRY\nSo what did Tim say?\n\nKRAMER\nWellhum....He th'aid I gotta cut out\nthe SsssfKittles.\n\nJERRY\nLooks like he gave you some Novocaine\n\nKRAMER\nOhhh H'am loaded.\n\nJERRY\nSo what about the Penthouse. Did you\nask him?\n\nKRAMER\nWell he said that humm.. you know.that\nit helps his pathients relax\n\nJERRY\nAdults only?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah!!!\n\nJERRY\nWhat the hell's going on over there?\n\nKRAMER\nWell you know its.. great. You know,\nno kids ..allowed. you don't\n\nhave to watch your language.\n\nJERRY\nYou find you need to use a lot of obscenities\nat the dentist.\n\nKRAMER\nHe..he... When they pull that needle\nout I let the expletives fly.\n\nKramer reaches for a glass of water and drinks but manages to\nhave it\n\nspill out on to the floor\n\nJERRY\nHey! Hey! Watch it.!... You're drooling\nall over the floor. How\n\nmuch Novocaine did that guy give you.\n\nKRAMER\nWell.. Aye can't hold the water.\n\nJimmy comes in dribbling.\n\nJIMMY\nOh yeah!! ... Jimmy's ready.\n\nKRAMER\nHey Jimmy\n\nGEORGE\nHa..harrr.\n\nJIMMY\nJimmy's got some new moves.\n\nKRAMER\nGo Jimmy\n\nJIMMY\n'Check Jimmy out\n\nJimmy slips on Kramer's puddle and falls on his back\n\nJIMMY\nOoohhh!!!!! JIMMY'S DOWN.\n\nScene cuts then comes back with paramedics and Jimmy on a stretcher.\n\nParamedic (missing a few words) ......was gonna be in traction.\n\nJIMMY\nJimmy might have a compound fracture..\nJimmy's going into shock!!\n\nGEORGE\n(angrily)WHY WEREN'T YOU MORE CAREFUL\nWITH YOUR DROOL!\n\nKRAMER\nHEY I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN!!!\n\nJERRY\nWhy are you taking this so personally?\n\nGeorge BECAUSE IF HE CAN'T JUMP. THERE GOES MY SNEAKER BUSINESS!!\n\nKRAMER\n(cries out) WELL I SAID I'M SORRY.\n\nJIMMY\n( as he gets taken out) JIM....JIMMY\nWONT FORGET YOU KRAMER...\n\nJIMMY HOLDS GRUDGES. LET JIMMY GO......\n\nKRAMER\nBUT I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING.\n\nKramer is seen running down the street with his vertical lift\nshoes. He's\n\ntrying to hail a cab.\n\nKRAMER\nHEY TAXI!!!.....TAXI!!\n\nAn elderly gentleman is after the same taxi.\n\nKRAMER\nGo ahead, go ahead you got it......(to\nthe driver) He's got it.\n\nThe man is looking him up and down, noticing the shoes and the\nslurred\n\nspeech.\n\nDeensfrei (slowly) Oh! Please, go ahead take it\n\nKRAMER\nNo,No...You were here first.\n\nDeensfrei No. No I..I insist. I'll grab the next one.\n\nKRAMER\nLets share.. we share....Awight\n\nDeensfrei Yes! Splendid. That's a great idea.\n\nKramer bumps his head as he gets into the cab\n\nDEANSFREI\nMy name is Arnold Deensfrei. What is\nyour name?\n\nKRAMER\nEh!! Cosmo Kramer. Nice to meet you\n\nDeensfrei Very nice to meet you Cosmo. Are you heading home?\n\nKRAMER\n(like rainman)Yeah! heading home.\n\nDeensfrei Good for you.....You are really independant.\n\nKRAMER\nYeaheum ... You're not doing too bad\nyourself\n\nIn a sporting goods store, George tries to make a sale. He is\nputting on\n\nthe shoes.\n\nGEORGE\nArgh!!..Anyway...Jimmy couldn't be here\ntoday so he asked me to\n\nfill in for him, and I'm sure that you'll be impressed at what\ncan\n\nbe accomplished after only a few short days of training.....yeah!\n\nGeorge tries three times to jump but barely lifts a couple of\ninches off the\n\nground. The store personnel gets uninterested quickly and leave.\n\nScene cuts to Jerry's apartment.\n\nKRAMER\n(whose voice has returned to normal)THE\nVELVET FOG!!!!\n\nJERRY\nWhat about the Velvet Fog ?\n\nELAINE\n(as she comes in) What about the Velvet\nFog?\n\nKRAMER\nWell...He's singing at a benefit and\nI'm gonna be sitting at his table.\n\nELAINE\nI'm going to that!\n\nKRAMER\nI'm a guest of honor.\n\nELAINE\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nKRAMER\nWell this afternoon I shared a cab with\nthis...a hum..Deensfrei.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, yeah! Arnold Deensfrei, he runs\nthe AMCA\n\nKRAMER\nYeah! well ..that's the guy .He's organizing\nthe dinner.\n\nELAINE\nI know that but why are you going?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, because we hit it off and he was\nvery impressed with what I do.\n\nELAINE\nWhat you do!!. You don't do anything.\n\nKRAMER\nWell apparently I do something 'cause\nI'm sitting at the head table with Mr.\nMel Torm\u00e9\n\nKramer sits on the couch and puts his feet up on the coffee table.\n\nELAINE\n(pointing at the shoes) What are those?\n\nKRAMER\nEhmm ..These are my vertical leap training\nshoes.\n\nJERRY\nWait a second ..Where you wearing those\nshoes in the cab?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah! yeah! right after I left the Y.\n\nJERRY\nDon't you see what's happened, he couldn't\ntalk, he's wearing\n\nthese shoes, he's drooling.\n\nKramer. What!!!\n\nELAINE\nHe thinks you're mentally challenged.\n\nJERRY\nWell...........you know.....\n\nELAINE\nWell,what happens when you show up\n. He'll see that you're not.?\n\nJERRY\nNot necessarily because.....\n\nScene cuts back to Tim Whatley's dental office. Jerry is sitting\nin the\n\nchair.\n\nWHATLEY\nSheryl, would you ready the Nitro(???)\nplease?\n\nWhatley inhales the gas mask before handing it over to Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nOh! where's Jennifer today?\n\nWHATLEY\nOH!! She's over at Dr.Cessman's office.\nWe find it fun to swap now\n\nand then.\n\nCuts to Yankee Stadium. George is sitting at his desk eating\nKam Pau\n\nchicken.\n\nGEORGE\nWhhhoooo!!!!(taps on his desk loudly)\n\nPhone rings.\n\nGEORGE\nArrrrrrgh!! .. It's George.. Oh! Sports\nwholesaler. yeah. yeah. ..\n\nthanks for calling back. No, no, no still got the shoes, still\n\ngot the shoes. Lots of them. This is.. beautiful athletic gear.\n\nWilhelm enters the office as George is talking on the phone.\nHe seems\n\nsuspicious.\n\nGEORGE\n.....Well. I'm sorry. Call you right\nback.\n\nWILHELM\nSo George. Have you heard anything about\nthe missing equipment?\n\nGEORGE\nNo!...not...nothing.\n\nWILHELM\nGeorge, there's nothing I hate more\nthan a liar.\n\nGEORGE\nWell...there's no room for someone like\nthat in this organization.\n\nWILHELM\nAre you feeling all right George?\n\nGEORGE\nHemmm!.. Fine!\n\nWILHELM\nYou look a little warm.\n\nGEORGE\n...It's the chicken\n\nWILHELM\nYou're a terrible liar George. Look\nat you, you're a wreck!.\n\nyou're sweating bullets.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's the Kom Pau ... George likes his\nchicken spicy.\n\nBack in Tim Whatleys office..Jerry wakes up, his vision blurred.\nHe sees\n\nWhatley and Sheryl getting dressed.\n\nScene cuts to Monks. Jerry and Elaine are talking.\n\nELAINE\n....Maybe you were still under the gas.Maybe\nyou were hallucinating\n\nyou're coming out of the gas but you were still under the gas.\n\nJERRY\nI don't think so. I think they were\ngetting dressed and not only\n\nthat; my shirt was out!!!\n\nELAINE\nyour shirt was out?\n\nJERRY\nI think so.\n\nELAINE\nWell, what kind of shirt was it.?\n\nJERRY\nYou know! Like a tennis shirt.\n\nELAINE\nOh! Well ... You don't tuck those in?\n\nJERRY\nSometimes I tuck'em sometimes I don't\n\nELAINE\nWell. Were you tucked?\n\nJERRY\nI think I was tucked.!\n\nELAINE\nAll right then say you were. I mean\n.. what do you think could have\n\nhappened.?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know but I was spitting out\nand rinsing like there was no\n\ntomorrow.\n\nELAINE\nUghhhh\n\nJERRY\nIs this guy a dentist or Caligula?\n\nELAINE\nWhat are you gettin'?\n\nJERRY\nI don't think I'm hungry:\n\nELAINE\nOkay...So you were violated by two people\nwhile you were under the\n\ngas. So What? You're single.\n\nJERRY\nBut I'm damaged goods now.\n\nELAINE\nJoin the club.\n\nJERRY\nHey, by the way, did you ever call that\nguy from the health club.?\n\nELAINE\nOh yeah! Jimmy.\n\nJERRY\nJimmy?\n\nELAINE\nAhum!\n\nJERRY\nThat's the guy?\n\nELAINE\nYeah!\n\nJERRY\nCan't believe your going out with him...\n\nELAINE\nWhy?\n\nJERRY\nI dunno. He's so strange.'\n\nELAINE\nHow so?\n\nJERRY\nDid you notice he always refer to himself\nin the third person.\n\nJimmy can dunk. Jimmy's new in town. Jimmy we'll see you later.\n\nELAINE\nNo No... That's not him. That's the\nguy who gave me... Jimmy's\n\nnumber.\n\nJERRY\nThat's Jimmy. That's the way he talks.\n\nELAINE\nI'm going to go see Mel Torm\u00e9 with him?\n\nJERRY\nJimmy's gonna put the moves on Elaine..\n\nGeorge comes in and sits down with them..\n\nGEORGE\nI have to go see Steinbrenner later.\nMr Wilhelm told him that I\n\nwas the one responsable for stealing all the merchandise.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nGEORGE\n'Cause when he questioned me about it\nI was sweating from the Kom\n\nPau..\n\nJERRY\nI don't know how you can eat that spicy\nchicken,\n\nGEORGE\nGeorge likes spicy chicken.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's that?\n\nGEORGE\n....I like spicy chicken\n\nJERRY\nNo no you said George likes spicy chicken.\n\nGEORGE\nNo I didn't\n\nELAINE\nYes you did you said George likes spicy\nchicken..\n\nJERRY\nYou're turning in to Jimmy.\n\nGEORGE\nGeorge is getting upset..\n\nBack at the health club Elaine meets Jimmy who is wearing crutches.\n\nJIMMY\nSo what do you want to see Jimmy about?\n\nELAINE\nWell.... (pointing at him) Jimmy!\n\nJIMMY\nHuh uh...\n\nELAINE\nAbout tonight hum.. there's been a little\nmisunderstanding.\n\nJIMMY\nAh! ... Jimmy doesn't like misunderstanding.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. What happened was....\n\nJIMMY\nJimmy and misunderstanding kinda clash.\n\nELAINE\n(suddenly intrigued) You know, I've\nnever heard anyone talk the way\n\nyou do. It's very unusual.\n\nJIMMY\nWell, Jimmy's very unusual.\n\nELAINE\nWell anyway hum.... see when I made\nthe date, I thought that\n\nJimmy......\n\nJIMMY\nHey look. Hank's got a new boyfriend.\nJimmy's not threatened by\n\nHanks sexuality ... Jimmy's happy for Hank.\n\nELAINE\nElaine once tried to convert one but\nElaine's not going through\n\nthat again.\n\nScene cuts to The Marriot for the benefit.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm going to try and find some candy.\nYou want some?\n\nELAINE\nYeah!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat kind?\n\nELAINE\nI don't care:\n\nJimmy walks in\n\nELAINE\nHey Jimmy!!\n\nJIMMY\nI Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nElaine got a new dress.\n\nJIMMY\nJimmy likes it.\n\nKRAMER\nThere's no candy around here. hey! Jimmy.\n\nJIMMY\nWell look who's here.\n\nKRAMER\nWhooo!\n\nJIMMY\nThat's the guy who sidelined Jimmy.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat!\n\nJIMMY\nThat's the guy who took the bread out\nof Jimmy's mouth. Jimmy's out\n\nof work because of you..\n\nJimmy punches Kramer in the mouth.\n\nJIMMY\nJimmy wants a piece of Kramer..(fighting\nensues and Jimmy gets\n\ntaken out by hotel security)\n\nJIMMY\nJIMMY'S GONNA GET YOU KRAMER!!. HANDS\nOFF JIMMY!!. DON'T TOUCH\n\nJIMMY!! LET GO OF JIMMY!!!\n\nKRAMER\n(Keamer's voice starts slurring again)\nYeah! My lips swollen?\n\nKramer sitting at the head table.\n\nKRAMER\nNo No I've been living alone a long\ntime now.\n\nMEL\nWell I think that's the tops.\n\nWe cut back to Yankee stadium in George Steinbrenners office.\n\nGEORGE\n(knocks) You hem... wanted to see me\nMr. Steinbrenner?\n\nSTEIN\nYes George, come in,come in.\n\nYou know George I've been your biggest supporter around here\n\nand thats why I was so disappointed to hear that you been pilfering\n\nthe equipment.\n\nGEORGE\nGeorge would never do anything like\nthat.\n\nSTEIN\n'No why would I. I own it.\n\nGEORGE\nRight!\n\nSTEIN\nSo what are you saying?\n\nGEORGE\nWhy would George steal from the Yankees?\n\nSTEIN\n'He wouldn't.\n\nGEORGE\n'course not\n\nSTEIN\nExactly..................(mumbles) I\ndon't what the hell's going on here.\n\nGEORGE\nSir?\n\nSTEIN\nNothing.\n\nGEORGE\n(energetically) Well seems it's about\ntime for George's lunch.\n\nSTEIN\nYes it is. Well lets see what I have\ntoday. Darn it It's ham &\n\nCheese again and she forgot the fancy mustard. I told her I like\n\nthat fancy mustard. You could put that fancy mustard on a shoe\nand\n\nit would taste pretty good to me. oh! she made it up with a cupcake\n\nthough. Hey look at this . you know I got a new system for eating\n\nthese things. `I used to peel off the chocolate now I turn them\n\nupside down, I eat the cake first and save the frosting for\nthe\n\nend. (George stops listening and It's almost like its own\n\ndessert.............\n\nScene fades and we go back to the AMCA benefit.\n\nMEL\nLadies and gentlemen....I want to dedicate\nthis song to a very\n\ncourageous young man.\n\n(starts singing)\n\nWhen you're smiling, When you're smiling...\n\nThe whole world smiles with you...\n\nWhen you're laughin', When you're laughin'\n\nThe sun comes shining through\n\nBut when you're crying, You bring on the rain\n\nSo stop that sign. Be happy again\n\nKeep on smiling, 'cause when you're smiling\n\nThe whole world smiles with yooooouuuuuuu\n\nThe whole world smiles with (with Kramer)yooooouuuuuuu..\n\nOn the street Jerry and Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nHey! Got the new Penthouse\n\nJERRY\nWhere's my Mr. Goodbar?\n\nKRAMER\nAh! here here Listen...Dear Penthouse,\nI want to tell you about an experience\nI recently had. As an avid reader I've\nalways wondered if the letters (with\nJerry) are I'm a dentist and one afternoon\nmy hygienist and I decided to have a\nlittle fun with one of our patients.\nOf course none of our patients had any\nidea exactly of what we were up to.\nI was still wondering what if .........\n(Jerry stops and seems bewildered)\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Doodle.html",
    "text": "THE DOODLE\n\nWritten by\n\nAlec Berg & Jeff Schaffer\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nThey call themselves exterminators but\nthey can't really do it. The best they\ncan do is get the bugs to somebody else's\nhouse. They just relocate them, y'know\nwhat I mean, they're bug realtors is\nwhat they are. Ahmmmm.. I'll think you'll\nbe happy here, there's a lotta crumbs\nnot much light, ahmmm they usually sleep\nthrough the night, so you'll really\nhave a (?) of the place. Nobody really\ncares about killing insects, even the\nanimal rights people don't care. You\ncould probably walk into an animal rights\norganization meeting and hear a speech\nlike; The only way to stop the cruelty\nof the scientific testing on animals\nis (slaps his face)...Ha! Got him,\nis to boycott these companies.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry it's funny, Paula and I actually\nmet because of Elaine.\n\nPAULA\nElaine is in my drawing class at the\nnew school\n\nGEORGE\n..And I went down there one time to\nsee...\n\nJERRY\n(cuts in) A nude model.\n\nGEORGE\nIf Elaine wanted to get some coffee.\n\nJERRY\nYou know I went out once with a nude\nmodel. Never let me see her naked. Hundreds\nof people see\n\nher naked every week, except me. Needless to say it was quite\nvexing.\n\nGEORGE\nAre you through?\n\nJERRY\nYeah!\n\nGEORGE\nSo Anyway, I started to compliment Elaine\non her sketches and it turns out,they're\nPaula's.\n\nPAULA\nGeorge, I just like to doodle\n\nJerry picks up a pecan that his girlfriend had just masticated.\n\nGEORGE\nOh! Dropped a napkin...(Whispers) Jerry!\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you doing?...She had those\nnuts in her mouth, she just spit them\nout.\n\nJERRY\n(spits the nut) OooH!!! You. you ate\nthese? You sucked on these and put them\non the plate?\n\nSHELLY\nWell I didn't know you were gonna eat\nthem?\n\nJERRY\nSoo...\n\nSHELLY\nI'm sorry you find me so repulsive?\n\nJERRY\nNo,no I don't, I mean, Don't be silly..\n\nSHELLY\nYeah!\n\nJERRY\nIt's just...\n\nSHELLY\nWell, hem,if you'll excuse me I think\nI'll just go to the ladies room.\n\nPAULA\nI'll join you.\n\nJERRY\nOh! man did you see that. I ate discarded\nfood.\n\nGEORGE\nWell I've done that.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, but with you it's intentional.\n\nGEORGE\nHaven't you kissed her?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, but this is different, this is\nlike,you know, semi digested food stuff.\nYou know the next stop\n\nis the stomach and you can take it from there.\n\nGeorge stops a passing busboy\n\nGEORGE\nExcuse me just for a second. ( fixes\nhis hair looking at his reflection in\na coffee pot.)\n\nJerry; AH. Yes that's gonna make a big difference.\n\nGEORGE\nThis is dating, you can't leave anything\nto chance.\n\nJERRY\nHey,You think that Shelly's upset that\nI made such a big deal about the pecan.\n\nGEORGE\nHehummm, Yeah!\n\nJERRY\nThanks.\n\nGEORGE\nNo problem.\n\nThe girls return from the ladies room.\n\nSHELLY\nWell Jerry, I guess we should get going\n.\n\nJERRY\nAh! boy.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, it was very nice meeting you\nShelly and Jerry be careful,there's\na lot of nuts out there.\n\n( to Paula) All right you have everything?\n\nPAULA\nCan you grab my purse.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.( reaches for the purse and finds\na piece of paper . he looks annoyed.\n\nMonks, next day .George showing Jerry the piece of paper he\npicked up\n\nJERRY\nYeah! So\n\nGeorge; Don't you see what this is?\n\nJERRY\nYeah! It's a doodle.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah!, a doodle of me...look at the\nsize of the nose, the ears, all my\nfeatures are distorted.\n\nJERRY\nOh!.It's an affectionate caricature.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm grotesque . I look like a troll.\n\nJERRY\nIt's just a drawing.\n\nGEORGE\nDon't you see what this says? How can\nyou possibly like somebody,if you think\nthey look like this?\n\nElaine walks in\n\nGEORGE\n(gets up to leave the table) HELLO!!!\n(angrily)\n\nELAINE\nWhat is with him?\n\nJERRY\nthe usual\n\nELAINE\nSo, you know what? My friend Judy recommended\nme for a job at Viking Press.\n\nJERRY\nGood for you\n\nELAINE\nYeah! But get this. Viking has a deal\nwith the Plaza Hotel, they got a two\nbedroom suite, there,\n\nfor out-of-town clients...So guess what I did?\n\nJERRY\nOh! Come on, you told them you're from\nout-of-town just so you could stay in\na hotel room.\n\nELAINE\nI know, I know Jerry.. but it's The\nPlazaaa... I've never stayed there .It'll\nbe like a little vacation\n\nJERRY\nWell be sure to catch a Broadway show\nwhile you're in town.\n\nELAINE\n( laughs)Listen, I've used your parents\naddress in Florida.\n\nJERRY\nOh! There coming to town tomorrow by\nthe way.\n\nELAINE\nHey. What's this.?.\n\nJERRY\nDon't ask.\n\nELAINE\nWhat is it ..A drawing of Mr. Magoo\n\nJERRY\nNo,it's George ( Elaine laughs heartily)\n\nGeorge comes back\n\nELAINE\nIt is..\n\nGEORGE\nYou enjoying yourself? (More laughs\nfrom Elaine)\n\nELAINE\nSorry.\n\nGEORGE\nYou see. You see! Listen when is your\nnext drawing class?\n\nELAINE\nTomorrow .\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, I want you to do me a favor.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nI want you to find out is she likes\nme.\n\nELAINE\nFind out if likes you?. What, are you\nin High School?...George come on can't\nyou just talk to her yourself?\n\nGEORGE\nBut she's gonna know that I like her\nmore than she likes me.\n\nJERRY\nYou know my parents are coming in and\nI got some clean up to do, so if you\nand Potsie are done scheming....\n\nJerry's apartment\n\nKRAMER\nWell, they're in...\n\nJERRY\nWhat's in?\n\nKRAMER\nThe MACANAW PEACHES,Jerry, the MACANAW\nPEACHES!!!!\n\nJERRY\nAah! .. right. The ones from Oregon\nthat are only ripe for two weeks a year..\n\nKRAMER\nYeah Yeah I split a case with Newman..I\nwaited all year for this.. Oooh this\nis fantastic..\n\nMakes your taste buds come alive....It's like having a circus\nin your mouth.....Take a taste\n\nJERRY\nNah, I don't wanna\n\nKRAMER\nCome on,Just take a taste\n\nJERRY\nI don't want it..\n\nKRAMER\nCome on JUST TASTE!!!\n\nJERRY\nI DON'T WANT IT ....\n\nKRAMER\nHE..YA. AYA. AYYYYYAAAAA!!!!\n\nJERRY\nI am not gonna taste your peach. I ate\nsome one's pecan last night, I'm not\ngonna eat your peach.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, this is a miracle of nature\nthat exists for a brief period. It's\nlike the Aurora Borealis.\n\nJerry scratches his ankle furiously\n\nJERRY\n..What is this?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nYeah! I think I got flea bites.\n\nKRAMER\nFlea bites?\n\nJERRY\nLook at this, my ankle's all bitten\nup.\n\nKRAMER\nYou got a dog?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, that is strange.\n\nJERRY\nHow could I have fleas?\n\nKRAMER\nDon't sweat it buddy...I used to have\nfleas.\n\nJERRY\nWhat did you do about them?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat do you mean?...\n\nJerry's parents come through the door.\n\nMORTY\nHey guys . Jerry . Kramer\n\nHELEN\nHi Jerry......What's wrong?\n\nJERRY\nNothing...\n\nHELEN\nJerry, I'm your mother, now what is\nit?\n\nJERRY\nMom, Dad.....I have fleas..\n\nElaine's drawing class\n\nELAINE\nHey Paula!.. I hear you been going out\nwith George Costanza?\n\nPAULA\nHow did you know??\n\nELAINE\nEverybody knows. y'know George told\nme he thinks you're totally cute and\neverything.\n\nPAULA\nHe said that?\n\nELAINE\nHa hum...Do you like George?\n\nPAULA\nYeaaah! he's cool.\n\nELAINE\nNo I mean...Do you like him or do you\nlike him like him?\n\nPAULA\nLike like.. looks aren't important to\nme,you know?\n\nTEACHER\nMiss Benes, Are you chewing gum?\n\nELAINE\n(nods) HumHummmm....\n\nElaine spits the gum in the waste basket then as the teacher\nturns around she makes a throwing up\n\nmotion at Paula .\n\nLater at jerry's\n\nKARL\nYep!...In your bedroom too Mr. Seinfeld.\nYou've got a full outbreak of fleas\non your hands.\n\nJERRY\nI don't get this. How did this happen.\nI don't have a dog.\n\nKARL\nI don't explain 'em Mr. Seinfeld. I\njust exterminate them.\n\nJERRY\nI don't understand this..\n\nKARL\nI 'm gonna have to seal the place up\nfor 48 hours and fog it. That's the\nonly way to get rid of them.\n\nJERRY\nNobody can be in here for 48 hours,\nI got my parents in town.\n\nKARL\nWell, unless you want to kill them.\nThey can't stay in here. This stuff\nis pretty toxic. I'll go get my\n\nstuff, it's in the truck.\n\nJERRY\nOkay..\n\nElaine comes in\n\nELAINE\nHi....???\n\nJerry; Bug guy.\n\nELAINE\nWhy do you have a bug guy?\n\nJERRY\nI have fleas.\n\nELAINE\nArgh.. Fleas ( strikes the purse she\njust deposited on the couch) How did\nyou get fleas?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know...But every one's got to\nclear out of the apartment for two days.\nI don't know what I'm\n\ngonna do with my parents. they'll never let me pay for a hotel\nand if they go to someplace on their\n\nown I'm sure it's gonna be some awful dump. Wait a second.. Have\nyou checked in The Plaza yet?\n\nELAINE\nNo....Oh No....\n\nJERRY\nCome on,c'mon\n\nELAINE\nNo, No...\n\nJERRY\nc'mon,c'mon....\n\nELAINE\nNo, No...\n\nJERRY\nc'mon, c'mon....\n\nELAINE\nNo, No....Yesss!!!!!!\n\nJERRY\nYes!!!\n\nDoor buzzer\n\nJERRY\nYes!!!\n\nGEORGE\nyeah!\n\nELAINE\nWell what about you. Where you gonna\nstay?\n\nJERRY\nI dunno, I'm gonna ask Shelley,but\nshe still might be upset from the masticated\npecan incident.\n\nELAINE\nHey!! I found out from Paula; She likes\nGeorge. I'll bet he'll be relieved.\n\nJERRY\nYeah.. When he's dead he'll be relieved...\nOh by the way Viking Press sent a Fedex\nfor you to\n\nmy parents. They brought it with 'em.\n\nELAINE\nYeah that's just some stuff about the\ncompany.\n\nGEORGE\nHum..( to Elaine) Hey! did you talk\nto Paula?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nSo what did she say?\n\nELAINE\nShe...likes you..\n\nGEORGE\nShe said she liked me. No kiddin' she\nsaid that?\n\nELAINE\nYa!\n\nGEORGE\nThose were her exact words, I like George.\n\nELAINE\nYep!\n\nGEORGE\nHa Haaaaaaa... Jerry how do you like\nthat.You see I get myself in a dizzy,\nI'm all worked up and for what?\n\nELAINE\nFor nothing..\n\nGEORGE\nha Ha..\n\nELAINE\nIn fact she said that looks aren't even\nthat important to her...\n\nGEORGE\nYou see.....WHAT!!\n\nELAINE\nAh Oh!!\n\nGEORGE\nShe said looks aren't important to her?\n\nELAINE\nWell..hum...let me rephrase that, She\nsaid....\n\nGEORGE\nShe thinks I'm ugly. I knew it.\n\nJerry; You see the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people\nout there walking around, but they don't know they're\n\nugly, because nobody actually tells them.\n\nGEORGE\n.....So what's your point?\n\nJERRY\nI dunno...\n\nELAINE\nOkay.. The point, George, is she likes\nyou.\n\nGEORGE\nOh!, so what. I'd rather she hate me\nand thought I was good looking....At\nleast I can get somebody else.\n\n(scratching his chest) What is this? Why am I itching?\n\nJERRY\nThat'd be the fleas.\n\nAt the Plaza Hotel\n\nJERRY\nHey!!!\n\nMORTY\nHey! I do you like this? Huh, huh!\n\nHELEN\nOh! my god, Morty lets go, this is too\nnice.\n\nMORTY\nHey! This is the kind of room Sinatra\nstays in. Hey! look, Macadamian nuts.\n\nHELEN\nMacadamian nuts?\n\nMORTY\nHey! You know what these cost, they're\nlike 80 cents a nut.\n\nHelen; Jerry, are you sure this all right?\n\nJERRY\nYeah! it's all taken care of.\n\nMORTY\n( from the other room) Hey!!! They got\na phone in the john here.\n\nOutside Elaine's building\n\nELAINE\nJudy .\n\nJUDY\nHey!!!!.\n\nELAINE\nHi, Thank you so much for recommending\nme to Viking Press .\n\nJUDY\nIt is my pleasure, just make sure you\ngive that manuscript a good read.\n\nELAINE\nManuscript?\n\nJUDY\nYeah. I'm sure they Fedexed you a manuscript.\nThey want to see that you can read\n\nan unpublished work and give insightful criticism.\n\nELAINE\nOooh!!\n\nJUDY\nRead it twice if you have to. This is\na big step in your career.\n\nELAINE\nYeah! hmmm..I gotta go..\n\nJUDY\nHey! What about lunch?\n\nELAINE\n(she leaves hurriedly) I gotta gooo...\n\nCatches up with Jerry on the street.\n\nELAINE\nThank god I found you..\n\nJERRY\nOh! Hey!\n\nELAINE\nYou still got that Fedex?\n\nJERRY\nYeah! I got it . It's in the apartment,\nbut we can't go in there it's being\nfumigated.\n\nELAINE\nNo I'll take my chances. Come on...(\nGrabs him by the coat and head back\nto his place)\n\nJerry's place . There is a sign on the door that says \"Fumigation\nDo not enter\"\n\nJERRY\nYou see?\n\nELAINE\nJerry, I need that Fedex right now..\n\nJERRY\nI told you to take it.\n\nELAINE\nWell, I didn't know that it was a manuscript\nthat I had to read...\n\nJERRY\nWell, You can't go in there it's like\na gas chamber in there.\n\nKramer comes out of the apartment.\n\nKRAMER\nI left a Macanaw peach in your refrigerator.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, they're fumigating. There's\ntoxic gas in there.\n\nKRAMER\nToxic gas!!!\n\nJERRY\nAw! You'll be fine, you were in there\nfor what, a couple of minutes.\n\nKRAMER\nAn hour and a half!!! I was reading\na manuscript, I just couldn't put it\ndown.\n\nELAINE\nMy manuscript?\n\nJERRY\nHow do you feel?\n\nKRAMER\nNow that you mention it, a little woozy.\n\nELAINE\nKramer You got go back in there grab\nmy manuscript.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm not going back in there!!\n\nELAINE\nall right then, where is it??\n\nKRAMER\nI left it on the coffee table or somethin'\n\nJERRY\nWell wh..wh.what are you doing?\n\nELAINE\nI'm going in .\n\nJERRY\nDidn't you see the sign on the door?\n\nKRAMER\nWell I thought it was so your parents\nwouldn't walk in while you're with a\ngirl.\n\nElaine breathes heavily does the sign of the cross and enters.\nShe goes to the coffee\n\ntable then looks underneath the couch and finishes by his desk\nthen the dinner table.\n\nShe runs out of air so she has to rush out.\n\nELAINE\n( Heavy Panting) It's not on any table,\nKramer. Where is it?\n\nKRAMER\nWell I don't know . I was in the bathroom\n, the kitchen...\n\nELAINE\nOkay... bathroom....kitchen.\n\nJERRY\nCan you get me a soda?\n\nElaine goes back in\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, I had some milk, I made a sandwich.\nI got to get out of the building.\n\nElaine searches the kitchen, then the couch cushions and gives\nup.\n\nELAINE\n(again pants) I couldn't find it anywhere.\nHow did you get fleas anyway?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know. Who could've been in my\napartment.\n\nELAINE\nI 've looked everywhere, even under\nthe couch but all I could find were\nthe stupid Chunky wrappers.\n\nI couldn't....\n\nJERRY\nWait a minute . Did you say chunky wrappers?\n\nELAINE\nYeah!\n\nJERRY\nLet me see those. ( smells them) Oh!\nI know the chunky that left these Chunkies......NEWMAN!!!\n\nI've got him.\n\nNewman's door . Jerry knocks\n\nJERRY\nNewman . Open the door, Newman, I know\nyou're in there.\n\nNEWMAN\nHello jerry. What a pleasant surprise.\n\nJERRY\nThere's nothing pleasant about it, so\nlets just cut the crap.. You gave me\nfleas. I know it and you know it..\n\nNEWMAN\nFleas? Bwa ha ha ha ha .That's preposterous.\nHow can I, give you fleas. Now if you\ndon't mind...\n\nJERRY\nOh! but I do. There's probably fleas\ncrawling all over your little snack\nbar. ( as he says this Newman\n\nis wildly scratching behind his back. he suddenly stops when\nJerry turns around)\n\nNEWMAN\nSo, you have fleas. Maybe you keep\nyour house in a state of disrepair.\nMaybe you live in\n\nsqualler.(?)\n\nJERRY\nYou know Newman, the thing about fleas\nis that they irritate the skin and they\nstart to...itch.\n\nOh! maybe you can hold out five seconds or ten, maybe fifteen\nor twenty but after a while, no matter\n\nhow much will power a person may have. It won't matter, because\nthey're crawling, crawling on your skin.\n\nUp your legs, up your spine, up your back.....\n\nNEWMAN\n(Cannot take this torture anymore) Baaaaaaaaarrhhhhhhhhhhh....I'm\nripped with fleas ( scratches\n\nfuriously)\n\nPlaza Hotel, Morty is getting a massage.\n\nMORTY\nOh! Oh! That feels good. Hey! This guy\ncharges a hundred bucks an hour but\nI'm telling ya\n\nhe's worth every penny OOOOHH!\n\nHELEN\nI'm next.\n\nMORTY\nHey! Leo, get this, four movies at once;\nPay Per View.\n\nLEO\nI love these nuts.\n\nNANA\nThis Champagne's gone flat. ( throws\nher glass over her shoulder)\n\nHELEN\nNana!!!\n\nNANA\nHe Ha Ha Ha...Let the chambermaid clean\nit up\n\nOn the street in front of a flower shop\n\nGEORGE\nHello..\n\nPAULA\nWhat's the matter?...\n\nGEORGE\nWell I spoke to Elaine...\n\nPAULA\nHey! Look, no shave.\n\nGEORGE\nNo...Why should that make any difference\nto you?\n\nPAULA\nIt doesn't..\n\nGEORGE\nOf course not. You don't care what I\nlook like.\n\nPAULA\nThat's right I don't.\n\nGEORGE\nI suppose I could just pull this out\n( his tucked shirt)and walk around like\nthis and you wouldn't care?\n\nPAULA\nNot a wit.\n\nGEORGE\nHu humm? i suppose we could go to Lincoln\nCenter and I'd be wearing sneakers and\njeans and that\n\nwould be fine too.\n\nPAULA\nYou can wear sweatpants.\n\nGEORGE\nI could..\n\nPAULA\n(seductively) You could drape yourself\nin velvet, for all I care.\n\nGEORGE\nVelvet...\n\nMonks\n\nELAINE\nDid you read the whole thing?\n\nKRAMER\nOh! yeah.\n\nELAINE\nHuh . So What's it about?\n\nKRAMER\nWell it's a story about love, deception,\ngreed, lust and...unbridled enthusiasm.\n\nELAINE\nunbridled enthusiasm...?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, that's what led to Billy Mumphrey's\ndownfall.\n\nELAINE\nOh! boy.\n\nKRAMER\nYou see Elaine, Billy was a simple country\nboy. You might say a cockeyed optimist,\n\nwho got himself mixed up in the high stakes game of world diplomacy\nand international intrigue.\n\nELAINE\nOh! my God.\n\nKRAMER\nah! Here we go.\n\nELAINE\n(to the waitress) can I have a scotch\non the rocks.\n\nKRAMER\nMay I..( pointing her food)\n\nELAINE\n(feeling sick) Yeah! go ahead.\n\nKRAMER\nwhat is this?\n\nELAINE\nWhat? What are you doin'? ( Kramer salting\nher food)\n\nKRAMER\nI can't taste this.\n\nELAINE\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nKRAMER\nThis food,it has no taste......nothin'\nI'm gettin' nothin'...( realizes) It\nmust be the toxic gas\n\nfrom the fumigation......( he leaves paranoid and confused)\n\nAt Shelley's\n\nJERRY\nHey, thanks a lot for lettin' me stay\nhere.\n\nSHELLEY\nWell, I don't keep pecans in the house\nso I didn't think it'd be a problem.\n\nJERRY\n( embarrassed laugh) ...Oh! Damn..\n\nSHELLEY\nWhat's the matter?\n\nJERRY\nI forgot my toothbrush.\n\nSHELLEY\nOh! no problem.....You can use mine.\n\nJERRY\nYours?....You know what I'll think I'll\nbrush later.\n\nSHELLEY\nBrush now.\n\nJERRY\n(long pause).......Sure. ( humms a song\nthen stares at the toothbrush)\n\nKramer and Newman who is coming out of the market eating a peach.\n\nKRAMER\nNewman,Let me have a bite of your Macanaw..\n\nNEWMAN\nWhat for, you got your own.\n\nKRAMER\nCome on,c'mon i need to taste it. (\ntakes his peach).....Nothin', Can't\neven taste a Macanaw.\n\nNEWMAN\n( resumes eating) Well that's a shame.\n\nKRAMER\nWaited all year and I can't even taste\nit..\n\nNEWMAN\nYou can't taste 'em . Why waste 'em\n. Why not give them all to me.\n\nAt Viking Press.\n\nELAINE\nIt's a story about love, deception\n,greed, lust and.... unbridled enthusiasm\n.\n\nMANDEL\nUnbridled enthusiasm.\n\nELAINE\nYeah!..tha..that's right. that That's\nwhat led to...(throath clearing) Billy\nMumphrey's downfall.\n\nMANDEL\nhmmm...interesting take. So you believe,\nhas he not been so enthusiastic he could\nhave adverted\n\ndisaster.\n\nELAINE\nYes...Ye..Yes..That's right...You see\n,Billy Mumphrey was a simple country\nboy. Some might say a\n\ncockeyed optimist, who got caught up in the dirty game of world\ndiplomacy and International intrigue.\n\nMANDEL\nSo.. It was more a question of attitude\nthan politics..\n\nELAINE\nYes, yes Mr. Mandel.\n\nPlaza Hotel\n\nMORTY\nHey! Under Siege is on again. Whose\nup for it?\n\nLEO\nNo more nuts. Awrghh.....\n\nMonks. George walks in wearing velvet.\n\nJERRY\nOh! my god. What the hell is this? .....\nDon't tell me.......Velvet!!!\n\nGEORGE\nIt's the real deal.\n\nJERRY\nShe's seen you in this thing.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's right...We just had sex......You\nknow Jerry I've been searching for someone\na long time.\n\nWell the search is over.\n\nJERRY\nAnd now the search for the right psychiatrist\nbegins.\n\nGEORGE\nHe he...So huh! What's with the suitcase.\n\nJERRY\nAhh! She threw me out.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy?\n\nJERRY\nI wouldn't use her toothbrush.\n\nGEORGE\nSo where are you staying?\n\nJERRY\nWell I guess I'm stuck with the Velvet\nFog.\n\nAt Viking again.\n\nMANDEL\nThree hours of massage time, twelve\nin-room movies including several adult\nfeatures, five shoe\n\nshines and four hundred dolars worth of snacks. Not to mention\nthe damage to the room.\n\nELAINE\nMr Mandel, you don't understand ...my\nmy friend had fleas. I ran into the\ngas, it could have killed\n\nme, and my, my other friend couldn't taste his peaches,they\nonly good for two weeks.\n\nMANDEL\nI think, you've read, one too many,\nBilly Mumphrey stories. Good day Miss\nBenes.\n\nELAINE\nOkay...Good day..\n\nMonks again.George comes in eating a Macanaw peach.\n\nPAULA\nHi George.\n\nGEORGE\n(mouth full) Hi, this is fantastic (\nputs the pit in the a plate)D'you ever\nhad a Macanaw peach?\n\nPAULA\nOh! yeah I love those.\n\nGEORGE\nToo bad, it's all done.\n\nPaula takes the pit and puts it in her mouth. George stares in\ndisbelief, then disgust.\n\nKramer is about to lick an envelope he is about to send.\n\nKRAMER\nya....Yes!....Yes! it's back I can taste\nagain. ( to a passerby) Hey! What's\nthe date today?\n\nPASSERBY\nThe fifteenth.\n\nKRAMER\nFifteenth, Yes last day for the Macanaws.\nI can still make it. Wait.. Newman...\n\nNEWMAN\nSorry, last one . Would you want to\nsuck the pit?\n\nKRAMER\n( fake laugh ) Look Hubert. It's the\nmailman. You remember the mailman don't\nyou.\n\n(unleashes a dog)\n\nDog proceeds to chase after Newman\n\nFinally at The Plaza Hotel\n\nELAINE\n(knocks) Hello is anybody here?..\n\nLEO\nThey said they were sending an Asian\nwoman.\n\nELAINE\nOh! my God.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Fusilli-Jerry.html",
    "text": "THE FUSILLI JERRY\n\nWritten by\n\nMarjorie Gross\n\n(Jerry and Elaine are outside, heading towards the apartment\nbuilding)\n\nJERRY\nI hear you're going out with David Putty.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. What, is it a problem?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I think he could've asked me.\nSupposed to be a friend of mine.\n\nELAINE\nWell, I guess he figured you just wouldn't\ncare. It *has* been a few years.\n\nJERRY\nElaine, you always care who an ex-girlfriend\ndates. You don't want it to be someone\nyou know, and you don't want it to be\nsomeone better than you. Now, even though\nthe latter is *obviously* impossible.\n\nELAINE\nOh, god.\n\nJERRY\nThe former still applies. I don't know\nwhat it is, but I just can't see you\nwith a mechanic.\n\nELAINE\nOh, yeah. Right, right. Well, all those\nmechanics do is work all day with their\nhands and their *big*, *muscular* arms\non machines, and then they come home\ndripping with animal sexuality like\nStanley Kowalski. What a huge turn-off\nthat is.\n\nJERRY\nAll right.\n\n(At Monk's, George and Estelle are looking over their menus)\n\nGEORGE\nLook at that. They got lobster on the\nmenu. Who would order a lobster here.\nI mean, do they bring a lobster in everyday\nhoping *todays* the day.\n\nESTELLE\nSo what if they have a lobster. Suddenly\nyou're a shell-fish connoisseur.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, I think we really need to\nbe in front of a television set. You\ntake T.V. out of this relationship,\nit is *just* torture.\n\nESTELLE\nSo, I'm getting an eye job.\n\nGEORGE\nAn eye job? Ma, you don't need an eye\njob.\n\nESTELLE\nGeorgie, I'm a divorcee.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, you're not a divorcee. You're just\nseparated. You're---you're a separatee.\n\nESTELLE\nWell, I'm out there, George.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, you're not out there.\n\nESTELLE\nI am, too!\n\nGEORGE\nYou're not out there! You can't be,\nbecause *I* am out there. And if I see\n*you* out there, there's not enough\nvoltage in this world to electroshock\nme back into coherence!\n\nESTELLE\nWell, anyway, the operation is on Tuesday\nand I need you to drive me home because\nI'll be all drugged up.\n\nGEORGE\nTuesday? I can't do it Tuesday. Steinbrenner\nneeds me to run---\n\nESTELLE\nThis is the only time the doctor *has*.\n\n(Kramer walks by their table on his way out)\n\nGEORGE\nKramer, hey, hey! (Gets up out of his\nseat)\n\nKRAMER\nHi, little buddy.\n\nGEORGE\nCome on over and sit down.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, listen, I gotta go somewhere.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, you're gonna sit down, you son of\na gun...\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, I'm sitting down. How are\nyou? (Kisses Estelle on the\n\ncheek)\n\nESTELLE\nSo, Kramer. I'm getting an eye job.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah, good for you. Hey, you have\nto look your best. You're\n\nout\n\nthere now.\n\nGEORGE\nShe's not out there!\n\nKRAMER\nSo, who is your doctor?\n\nESTELLE\nUh, Bakersoll.\n\nKRAMER\n(whistles). He's good. He's *very* good.\nHe worked on this kid\n\nfrom Guatemala with no nose. Turned him into Ricardo Montalban.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, Kramer, what are you doing Tuesday?\n\nKRAMER\nTuesday? Uh...\n\nGEORGE\nWhy doesn't *he* pick you up after the\noperation. He's got the car\n\nwith the bench seats that you like.\n\nESTELLE\nOh, I don't care.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I know, but I can't drive anybody\nanywhere until I go down to\n\nthe motor vehicle bureau and get my new plates.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, giddy-up!\n\n(At the motor vehicle bureau...)\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I'm here to pick up my new plates.\nMy name is Kramer. Cosmo\n\nKramer.\n\nCLERK\nKramer.... (checks computer) All right...\n\nKRAMER\nAll righty...\n\nCLERK\nSign right here, please. (hands over\nclipboard)\n\nKRAMER\n(signs it) Okay. (The clerk hands him\na manila envelope). Thanks.\n\n(opens up the envelope) Assman? Oh, no, these don't belong to\nme. I'm\n\nnot the Assman. I think there's been a mistake.\n\nCLERK\nWhat's your name again?\n\nKRAMER\nCosmo Kramer.\n\nCLERK\n(checks computer again) Cosmo Kramer.\nYou *are* the Assman.\n\nKRAMER\nNo! I'm not the Assman.\n\nCLERK\nWell, as far as the state of New York\nis concerned, you are.\n\n(Failing to clear up the mistake, Kramer drives off with the\nnew plates\n\nattached)\n\n(Meanwhile, we join Elaine and David---in bed, I should add.\nDavid, who\n\napparently looks satisfied, is still breathless. Elaine, on the\nother hand,\n\nis looking somewhat, preoccupied)\n\nDAVID\nHow do you feel?\n\nELAINE\nFine.\n\nDAVID\nSomething the matter?\n\nELAINE\nNo.\n\nDAVID\nThen what is it?\n\nELAINE\nNo, nothing.\n\n(Later on, at Monk's, Jerry has just come in to meet Elaine.\nHe joins her at\n\nthe booth)\n\nJERRY\nHi.\n\nELAINE\nI was with David *Putty* last night.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, so.\n\nELAINE\nHe did the move.\n\nJERRY\nWhat move?\n\nELAINE\nYou know...*the* move.\n\nJERRY\nWait a second. *My* move?\n\n(Elaine nods).\n\nJERRY\nDavid Putty used *my* move?\n\nELAINE\nYes, yes.\n\nJERRY\nAre you sure?\n\nELAINE\nJerry! There is no confusing *that*\nmove with any other move.\n\nJERRY\nI can't believe it. He *stole* my move.\n\nELAINE\nWhat else did you tell (reaches over\nto slap Jerry) him. (does it\n\nagain) The two of you must have had *quite* a little chat!\n\nJERRY\nOh, it wasn't like that! I didn't even\nmention you. You know, we\n\nwere in the garage. You know how garages are. They're conducive\nto sex\n\ntalk. It's a high-testosterone area.\n\nELAINE\nBecause of all the pistons and the lube\njobs?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I'm going down to that garage\nand telling him to stop doing it.\n\nELAINE\nWell, wait---wait a second.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nIsn't that a little...rash?\n\nJERRY\nNo! He stole my move!\n\nELAINE\nYeah, but...*I* like the move.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, but it's like another comedian\nstealing my material.\n\nELAINE\nWell, he doesn't even do it exactly\nthe same. He--he--he uses a\n\npinch at the end instead of the *swirl*!\n\nJERRY\nOh, yeah. The pinch. *I've* done the\npinch. That's not new.\n\nBesides which, I don't know how you could trust any of his moves\nnow. His\n\nwhole *repertoire* could be lifted.\n\nELAINE\nYou know, it's strange, because he's\nsuch an honest mechanic.\n\nJERRY\nI know, he's probably the only honest\nmechanic in New York.\n\n(Later, Jerry and George are outside, where Jerry has just bought\na candy bar\n\nat the newsstand)\n\nJERRY\n...so he stole my move and he's using\nit on Elaine.\n\nGEORGE\nYou told David Putty your move and you\ndidn't tell *me*? I *need* a\n\nmove. You know I have no moves, Jerry. (points to the candy bar)\nGimme a\n\nbite.\n\nJERRY\nCan I just get it opened first?\n\nGEORGE\nI can't believe you're hoarding sex\nmoves. I'm out there rubbing\n\ntwo sticks together. You walk around with a zippo.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, all right. Here. (hands George\na piece of the candy\n\nbar).\n\nGEORGE\n(takes a bite) Oh, that's good. That's\nvery good.\n\nJERRY\nYou feel better?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, much better. All right, so what's\nthe move, because I need\n\n*something*. This woman I'm dating, it's like she's doing her\nnails during\n\nlove-making.\n\nJERRY\nNancy Klopper?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Never seen anyone so bored. I'm\nworking like a dog here.\n\nGive me a moan. *Something*. I'd settle for a belch, for god's\nsake. All\n\nright, come on, let's have it.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, George. I'm gonna tell you.\nBut I just wanna make sure,\n\nbefore---\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, yeah, yeah. It's in the vault.\nI'm putting it in the vault.\n\nJERRY\nIt's not even a question of that. The\npoint is when something like\n\nthis is passed along, one must be certain that it's going to\nbe used in a\n\n*conscientious* way. This is not some parlor trick to be used---\n\nGEORGE\nYou're gonna tell me...or not.\n\nJERRY\nAll right. On your bed. You got a headboard?\nYou'll need a\n\nheadboard.\n\nGEORGE\nI got a headboard.\n\nJERRY\nIs it padded?\n\nGEORGE\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nGood. How tall is she?\n\nGEORGE\nFive-foot four. Why?\n\nJERRY\nYou can't have more than a one-foot\ndifferential in your heights.\n\nOtherwise, you could really hurt your neck.\n\nGEORGE\nI can't tell ya how much I appreciate\nthis.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, if you could master this, you'll\nnever be alone again.\n\nJerry and George have just walked in,\nstill\n\nconversing on the same subject)\n\nJERRY\nNow, the ending is kind of an option.\nI use the swirl. I like the\n\nswirl. I'm comfortable with the swirl. *I* feel the swirl is\na great\n\ncapper. He uses the pinch, which I find a little presumptuous.\n\nGEORGE\nIs it a clockwise swirl?\n\nJERRY\nI prefer clockwise, but it's not written\nin stone.\n\n(Kramer enters, holding an object of some kind).\n\nKRAMER\nHere you go, buddy. (shows it to Jerry).\n\nJERRY\nWhat is it?\n\nKRAMER\n*Fusilli* Jerry! It's made from Fusilli\npasta. See the microphone?\n\nJERRY\nWhen did you do this?\n\nKRAMER\nIn my spare time. (turns to George).\nYou know, I'm working on one\n\nof you, George. I'm using ravioli. See, the hard part is to find\na pasta\n\nthat captures the individual.\n\nJERRY\nOh... Why Fusilli?\n\nKRAMER\nBecause *you're* silly. Get it? (hands\nthe Fusilli to Jerry)\n\nYeah...\n\nJERRY\nWell, thank you very much.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, did you get your new plates?\n\nKRAMER\nOh...yeah. I got my new plates. But\nthey mixed them up. Somebody\n\ngot mine and I got their *vanity* plates.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat do they say?\n\nKRAMER\nAssman.\n\nJERRY\nAssman?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer,\nthe Assman!\n\nJERRY\nWho would order a license plate that\nsays \"Assman\"?\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's.\n\nJERRY\nIt doesn't have to be someone who gets\na lot of women. It could be\n\njust some guy with a big ass.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, or it could be a proctologist.\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Proctologist.\n\nGEORGE\nCome on! No doctor would put that on\nhis car.\n\nKRAMER\nHave you ever *met* a proctologist?\nWell, they usually have a very\n\ngood sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't\nwalk away.\n\n*Plant* yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories\nyou've\n\never heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they *stuck*\nsomething\n\nup there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist\nstory ends in\n\nTHE SAME WAY\n\"It was a million to one shot, Doc.\nMillion to one.\"\n\n(A phone rings in the distant)\n\nKRAMER\nOh! There's my phone. (He leaves)\n\nGEORGE\nSo, where you gonna stick this (points\nto the Fusilli Jerry)\n\nJERRY\nI'll tell you where I'd like to stick\nit.\n\n(We cut to the garage where David Putty is working on a car.\nJerry walks in)\n\nJERRY\nHey, David.\n\nDAVID\nOh, hi, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHey, what's the story? I hear you're\ndoing my move.\n\nDAVID\nWhat move?\n\nJERRY\nWhat move? *My* move. The one I told\nyou about. You used it on\n\nElaine.\n\nDAVID\nYou're move? What, are you kidding?\nI was doing that before I knew\n\nyou. All you told me about was the ending.\n\nJERRY\nThe ending is the whole thing. Without\nthe ending, it's nothing.\n\nYou had *nothing*.\n\nDAVID\nOh, that ending was *so* obvious. I\nwould have figured it out\n\nanyway. I didn't need you to tell me that stupid twist.\n\nJERRY\nSwirl.\n\nDAVID\nWhatever. I don't even do it.\n\nJERRY\nOh, yeah, I know. You do the *pinch*.\n\nDAVID\nYeah, that's right.\n\nJERRY\nYou can't come up with your own stuff\n, so you *steal* other peoples?\n\nYou're nothing but a hack.\n\nDAVID\nAre you through, 'cuz, uh, I gotta get\nback to work.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I'll tell you what I'll do, you\nknow. If you wanna do it out\n\nof town...okay. But not in the city.\n\nDAVID\nAll right, how about the next time your\ncar breaks down, you take\n\n*that* out of town.\n\nJERRY\nFine.\n\nDAVID\nGood!\n\n(While driving, Jerry hits a pothole and his car is now making\na clanking\n\nnoise)\n\n(We join George and Nancy, who are....getting busy under the\ncovers.)\n\nNANCY\nOw, George! (crawls out from beneath\nthe covers) What are you\n\ndoing?\n\nGEORGE\n(pops his head out of the covers, looking\na bit confused) Uh...you\n\nknow, uh...pleasuring you.\n\nNANCY\nWell, stop it!\n\nGEORGE\nYou don't like the move?\n\nNANCY\nNo. I don't.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're kidding.\n\nNANCY\nNo, I'm not. It feels like aliens poking\nat my body.\n\nGEORGE\nSorry. I'll just go back to my usual\nroutine.\n\n(Back to Elaine and David in the middle of, uh...you know...)\n\nELAINE\nOh, god! Oh, god, Dave! Oh, yes! Yes!\n\nDAVID\nNo, I'm sorry.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?!!\n\nDAVID\nI can't do the move.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nDAVID\nOh, he's ruined it for me.\n\nELAINE\nOh, oh, come on, please?\n\nDAVID\nNo, he called me a hack. I'm just not\ninto doing it anymore.\n\nELAINE\nOh, so---so that's it?\n\nDAVID\nI'll come up with some new stuff.\n\n(Cut to Kramer heading towards his car. He picks up a note on\nhis windshield\n\nand reads it...)\n\nKRAMER\n\"Call me. Thirty-six, twenty-four, forty-six.\nI think I have what\n\nyou're looking for.\" (Pleased by the note, Kramer stumbles into\nhis car).\n\n(Meanwhile, Estelle is at Dr. Bakersoll's office)\n\nDR. BAKERSOLL\nI must caution you about one thing.\nYou can't cry for at\n\nleast ten day. You can ruin the operation.\n\nESTELLE\nOh, okay.\n\nDR. BAKERSOLL\nNow, is someone coming to pick you up?\n\nESTELLE\nYes, my son's friend should be here\nany minute.\n\n(In the parking lot just outside, Kramer has pulls into a \"Doctors\nOnly\"\n\nspace)\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nCan I help you?\n\nKRAMER\nAh, yeah. Doctor Cosmo Kramer. (points\nto plate) Proctology.\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nOh, oh, okay. Sure...\n\nKRAMER\nThanks. Have a good day.\n\n(Kramer is driving Estelle home)\n\nKRAMER\nI just can't get over how fantastic\nyou look.\n\nESTELLE\nOh, really?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah. This takes twenty years off.\n\nESTELLE\nAnd it was all done by laser. I don't\neven need bandages.\n\n(As a car passes Kramer, someone yells out, \"Yo, Assman! Look\nat the\n\nAssman!\" Kramer waves).\n\nESTELLE\nDid he say \"Assman\"?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah.\n\nESTELLE\nOh my goodness.\n\n\"Hey, the Assman's in town!\")\n\nKRAMER\nYou got that straight!\n\nESTELLE\nBoy. I never dreamed it could make such\na difference.\n\n(Kramer makes a sudden stop, and in a protective gesture, he\nsticks his arm\n\nout in front of Estelle.)\n\n(Back to Jerry's apartment)\n\nJERRY\nYou must have done *something* wrong.\nYou probably screwed up the\n\norder. Did you close with the swirl?\n\nGEORGE\nSupposed to close with the swirl?\n\nJERRY\nOh my god. Yes, you close with the swirl.\nThere's a progression\n\nthere. I told you to write it down.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, yeah, should've written it down.\n\n(Bzzz. Jerry walks over to answer it)\n\nJERRY\nYeah?\n\nBUZZER\nElaine.\n\nJERRY\nC'mon up. (turns to George) You know\nwhat? Do me a favor. Don't\n\neven do the move anymore. You're gonna give it a bad name.\n\n(The phone rings)\n\nJERRY\nHello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld.\nWhat? Twenty-eight hundred\n\ndollars?!! That's the estimate on my car?!! No, don't even do\nanything.\n\nI'm gonna think about it. Okay, bye.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's to think about? If Putty says\nit's what it is, it's what it\n\nis. He's not gonna cheat you.\n\nJERRY\nExcept that it's not Putty.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat happened to Putty?\n\nJERRY\nEh, we had a little fight about the\nmove. I took her to this other\n\nplace. I think they might be trying to screw me.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, of course they're trying to screw\nyou. What do you think?\n\nThat's what they do. They can make up anything. Nobody knows.\n\"By the\n\nway, you need a new Johnson rod in there.\" \"Oh, a Johnson rod.\nYeah, well,\n\nyou better put one of those on.\"\n\n(Elaine comes in looking a bit peeved)\n\nJERRY\nHey, Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, yeah, hello.\n\nJERRY\nIs it something I said?\n\nELAINE\nYes! As a matter of fact! David Putty\nwon't do the move anymore.\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\nELAINE\nOh, he's come up with some other move.\nYou should see this thing.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is it?\n\nELAINE\nOh, it's a lot of just fancy-shmancy\nstuff. You know what it's\n\nlike? It's like a big budget movie with a story that goes *nowhere*.\n\nJERRY\nHuh.\n\nELAINE\nI mean, this move is no good, Jerry.\nIt's just taking up a lot of\n\nmy time. And I...will not stand by and allow him to perform this\nmove on me,\n\nwhen a perfectly good move is just sitting in the barn doing\nnothing!\n\nGEORGE\nLet me ask you a question. This new\nmove. Is there a knuckle\n\ninvolved in any way?\n\nELAINE\nYes. As a matter of fact, there is.\n\nGEORGE\nI think that's mine.\n\nELAINE\nI'm not surprised.\n\nJERRY\nListen. I need you to do me a favor.\nWhen's the next time you're\n\ngonna see him?\n\nELAINE\nWhy?\n\nJERRY\nYou gotta get an estimate on my car\nfrom him. I think this garage is\n\ntrying to screw me.\n\nELAINE\nAn estimate? How am I supposed to do\nthat?\n\nJERRY\nWell, look. Here's the work order with\neverything that broke. Just\n\nkind of bring it up at the right time and find out. (hands Elaine\nthe work\n\norder)\n\nELAINE\n(takes the work order and points to\nthe Fusilli Jerry sitting on the\n\ntable) What? What is this?\n\nJERRY\nThat's, uh, Fusilli Jerry.\n\nELAINE\nFusilli Jerry?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Kramer made it.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, listen, I'll see you guys\nlater.\n\n(As George is leaving, Kramer comes in with a female companion)\n\nJERRY\nHey, Assman!\n\nKRAMER\nHey, well, this is Sally.\n\nSALLY\nHello.\n\nJERRY\nHi.\n\nELAINE\nHi.\n\nKRAMER\nShall we go?\n\nSALLY\nOkay. (turns around and walks out with\nan exaggerated swing of her\n\nhips)\n\n(Elaine, Jerry, and George make a face)\n\n(Back at the Costanzas' house...)\n\nESTELLE\nYou can't face the fact that I'm improving\nmyself.\n\nFRANK\nYou're not the only one improving yourself.\nI worked out with a\n\ndumbbell yesterday. I feel *vigorous*.\n\nESTELLE\nJust take your mail and go home. I have\nthings to do.\n\nFRANK\nI got things to do, too.\n\nESTELLE\nDon't upset me! I can't cry!\n\nFRANK\nGetting an eye job like some Manhattanite,\nhuh?\n\nESTELLE\nWell, it's already working. Kramer made\na pass at me.\n\nFRANK\nKramer made a pass at you? You're crazy.\n\nESTELLE\nI'm not crazy. He stopped short and\nmade a grab.\n\nFRANK\nHe stopped short? That's my move. I'm\ngonna kill him!\n\n(Once again, we join Elaine and David...in bed as usual...doing\nwhat they do\n\nbest)\n\nELAINE\nHey, let me ask you a question.\n\nDAVID\nSure.\n\nELAINE\nWhat do you charge for blown shocks?\n\nDAVID\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nTwo, three hundred?\n\nDAVID\nI don't know. Maybe five hundred.\n\nELAINE\nAh.\n\n(They go back to kissing)\n\nELAINE\nWhat about a bad gasket?\n\nDAVID\nBad gasket?\n\nELAINE\nYeah. Like a terrible gasket.\n\nDAVID\nWhat is all this?\n\nELAINE\nNothing, nothing. I'm just taking an\ninterest in what you...do.\n\nDAVID\nWhat kind of car is it?\n\nELAINE\nOh...any kind of---of a Swedish car.\n\nDAVID\nAll together, that could run about sixteen\nhundred.\n\nELAINE\nOh.\n\n(Kiss again)\n\nELAINE\nIs that with the parts and labor?\n\nDAVID\nUh-huh.\n\nELAINE\nHmm.\n\n(Kiss...again)\n\nELAINE\nOh, no. No, David. No, please. Not the\nknuckle....\n\n(Back to George and Nancy in bed. George is looking quite pleased\nwith\n\nhimself. Nancy, on the other hand, looks...bewildered...pleasantly\n\nsurprised...)\n\nNANCY\nWow. That was...*great*. I mean...*wow*.\n\nGEORGE\nIt just came to me.\n\nNANCY\nI---I've never in my life have---have\nI---. What was that?\n\nGEORGE\nYou mean in the end?\n\nNANCY\nUh-huh.\n\nGEORGE\nA counter-clockwise swirl.\n\n(Spotting something on George's hand)\n\nNANCY\nWhat's that?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nNANCY\nOn---on your hand? Let me see what's\non your hand.\n\nGEORGE\nNothing. I don't know...just a little\ndirt.\n\nNANCY\nGive me that. (grabs his hand) I wanna\nsee what's on your hand.\n\n(They struggle for a bit, but Nancy finally gets a hold of his\nhand and tries\n\nto make out the scribble)\n\nNANCY\nNumber one. Take her leg.... Oh, my\ngod! Crib notes? You've got\n\ncrib notes?!!\n\nGEORGE\nIt's a very complicated move! I couldn't\nremember it all.\n\nNANCY\nOh, my god, you're sick. (gets out of\nbed)\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, it's not the S.A.T.s!\n\n(Cut to Frank on the streets. He spots Kramer's car. He looks\ninside the\n\nback window and sees the \"Bro\"---or is it the \"Manssierre\"? He\nchecks out\n\nthe plates)\n\nFRANK\nAssman? I'll get him, Assman!\n\n(Back to Jerry's apartment)\n\nJERRY\nSixteen hundred dollars? That's all?\n*Ooh*, they are ripping me\n\noff.\n\nELAINE\nSo what are you going to do?\n\nJERRY\nWell, that's it. I'm going back to Putty.\nNo move is worth this.\n\nELAINE\nOh! You mean you don't care if he does\nthe move anymore?\n\nJERRY\nAre you kidding? He can do every move\nI've ever done! Do you know\n\nwhat a good mechanic is worth? You can't compare that to sex.\n\n(There's a knock at the door and Jerry goes over to answer it)\n\nJERRY\nHi, Mr. Constanza. What's uh...?\n\nFRANK\nWhere's your friend Kramer?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know. Why?\n\nFRANK\nBecause I'm looking for him. That's\nwhy. He stopped short.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you mean?\n\nFRANK\nIn a car, with my wife. He stopped short.\nYou think I don't know\n\nwhat that's about? That's my old move! I used it on Estelle forty\nyears\n\nago! I told everybody about it! Everybody knows! (Demonstrates)\nHmmph! I\n\nstopped short.\n\nJERRY\nReally, stopping short. That's a good\nmove.\n\nFRANK\nYou're not kidding it's a good move!\n\n(Kramer walks in.)\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Frank.\n\nFRANK\nDon't Frank me! I know what you did.\nHow dare you stop short with\n\nmy wife!\n\nKRAMER\nC'mon, Frank, relax. I don't even know\nwhat you're talking about.\n\n(Frank backs Kramer into the table, knocking the Fusilli Jerry\nto the floor)\n\nFRANK\nYou think I don't know, Assman?!! To\nthink I almost split the\n\nprofits on the Manssierre with you.\n\nKRAMER\nBro.\n\nFRANK\nManssierre!\n\nKRAMER\nBro!\n\nFRANK\nManssierre! You...!\n\n(Frank grabs Kramer by the collar and in doing so, he slips and\nfalls right\n\non top of the Fusilli Jerry)\n\nFRANK\nAah!!!\n\nJERRY\nOh, my god!\n\n(Everyone gasps in horror, including George, who was just walking\nin at that\n\nvery moment)\n\n(At the medical center, the gang is in the waiting room, waiting\nfor the word\n\non\n\nFrank's condition. Looks like they're still in shock)\n\nJERRY\nIf I wasn't there, I wouldn't have believed\nit.\n\nELAINE\nMe either.\n\nGEORGE\nThey say this guy's the best.\n\nJERRY\nHe had to use cork-screw pasta.\n\n(At that thought, Jerry, George, and Elaine shift uncomfortably\nin their\n\nseats. Meanwhile, Kramer is checking out the pictures on the\nwall. He spots\n\nsomething...)\n\nKRAMER\nJerry. Jerry, come here. Take a look\nat this.\n\n(Jerry joins him)\n\nKRAMER\nThe name on the boat. Look at it.\n\nJERRY\nAssman!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah (points towards the doctor's office),\nhe's the Assman! Jerry,\n\n*he's* the Assman!\n\n(The doctor walks in)\n\nDOCTOR\nWhich one is the son?\n\nGEORGE\n(stands up) I am.\n\nDOCTOR\nAh. I'm Doctor Cooperman. I just want\nyou to know that this won't\n\ntake long. And he's going to be fine.\n\n(Kramer stops Dr. Cooperman at the door.)\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, excuse me, uh... You didn't by\nany chance recently get the\n\nwrong license plates?\n\nDR. COOPERMAN\nYes. I'm still waiting for the motor\nvehicle bureau to\n\nstraighten it out.\n\nKRAMER\nSo...you're the Assman.\n\n(Dr. Cooperman winks and heads back to where Frank is waiting)\n\nFRANK\nIt was a million to one shot, Doc. Million\nto one.\n\n(Back at the Costanza's house, George and Frank are just walking\nin)\n\nESTELLE\nWhere have you been?!! You were supposed\nto fix the stove! I've\n\nbeen waiting for hours!\n\nFRANK\nI fell on some Fusilli.\n\nESTELLE\nFusilli?\n\nFRANK\nYou know, the corkscrew pasta. It was\na Fusilli Jerry. It got stuck\n\nin me. Had to go to the proctologist.\n\nESTELLE\nThe proctologist? Are you okay?\n\nFRANK\nYeah.\n\nESTELLE\nOh, I was so worried. (grabs a couple\nof tissues from the box)\n\nGEORGE\nMa, don't cry!\n\nESTELLE\nOh, I can't help it!\n\nGEORGE\nMa, your eyes!\n\nESTELLE\nOh!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Diplomat's-Club.html",
    "text": "THE DIPLOMAT'S CLUB\n\nWritten by\n\nTom Gammill & Max Pross\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nWhat's this little scam the airlines\nhave goin' now with these special clubs?\nHundred fifty dollars a year to sit\nin a room, eat peanuts, drink coffee\nand soda, and read magazines. Excuse\nme, but isn't this the flight? I already\ngot four hours of this comin' to me...\nWhat am I paying for? How bout' an 'I\ngot all my luggage club'? Can I get\ninto that club? Where is that club?\nI would like to join that club. Airlines\nlove to divide us into classes. You\nknow like when you're sitting in coach,\nthe stewardess always closes that stupid\ncurtain. Always gives you that look,\nlike, maybe if you would work a little\nharder...\n\nJERRY\nWhat time does your flight get in? Six?\nAll right, that gives us six hours.\nThen I'll meet you at the diplomat's\nclub. I'll be the one without the big\nred sash. Okay, see you tonight. (Hangs\nup)\n\nELAINE\nIs that the supermodel?\n\nJERRY\nYep, she's not gonna be back for a month,\nbut I got six hours.\n\nELAINE\nI thought you had a show in Ithaca.\n\nJERRY\nI do, but it's three o'clock and then\nI'm flying right back and meeting Bridget\nat the Diplomat's Club in the airport.\n\nELAINE\nWell, guess what I'm doing. I'm going\nto Mr. Pitt's, and I am telling him\nthat I am quitting.\n\nJERRY\nSo that's it? You know I never even\nmet the guy.\n\nELAINE\nI've had enough. I am marchin' in.\n\nJERRY\nYou're marchin' in.\n\nELAINE\nI'm marchin'. (Enter George)\n\nGEORGE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey. Elaine's quitting.\n\nGEORGE\nReally?\n\nELAINE\nI'm marchin' in.\n\nGEORGE\nI've done the march in. Best feeling\nin the world.\n\nJERRY\nHow 'bout the march out?\n\nGEORGE\nNot as good. That's when you realize\nall the money you're losing.\n\nELAINE\nThis is it. Wish me luck.\n\nJERRY\nGet a march goin'! March it! (She exits)\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, I need to borrow your camera.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I wanna put a picture of me and\nmy boss Mr. Morgan up at the office.\n\nJERRY\nWhat for?\n\nGEORGE\nThey're reorganizing the staff, and\nI'm on thin ice with this guy as it\nis.\n\nJERRY\nIsn't putting this guy's picture on\nyour desk a little transparent?\n\nGEORGE\nIt better be.\n\nELAINE\nMr. Pitt, I have something to tell you.\n\nPITT\nOne second Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nMr. Pitt...\n\nPITT\nElaine, you know what I just did? I\njust amended my will to include you\nas a beneficiary.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nPITT\nWell, I think of you as part of my family.\nYou've come to be like a daughter to\nme and I want to make sure you're taken\ncare of after I'm gone.\n\nELAINE\n(Flattered) Mr. Pitt...\n\nPITT\n(Sneezes) Elaine, I feel a cold coming\non. Could you get me a cold pill from\nthe medicine cabinet?\n\nELAINE\nOh no no, Mr. Pitt, you mustn't. You\nhave to check with the pharmacy before\nyou combine anything with your heart\nmedicine,\n\nPITT\nYes, yes, I'll check with the pharmacist.\n\nELAINE\nWe don't want anything to happen to\nyou Mr. Pitt. We want you to live a\nlong, long time.\n\nGEORGE\n(Holding camera) Look at this, I only\nhave one picture left... How 'bout a\nshot of me and Mr. Morgan?\n\nMORGAN\nWhy?\n\nGEORGE\nWhy? Because we're a team! C'mon! Would\nyou take this for us, dear? Thank you\nvery much. Here we go... (To Morgan)\nAnyone ever tell you you look a lot\nlike Sugar Ray Leonard? Yeah, you must\nget that all the time.\n\nMORGAN\nI suppose we all look alike to you,\nright Costanza?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, not a racial thing, there really\nis a resemblance...\n\n...\n\n.....................????recessed on the floor.\n\nELAINE\nOh my God.\n\nWOMAN\nWho are you?\n\nPITT\nThis is the girl I want to put in my\nwill. Elaine...\n\nMAN\nPlease, rest Mr. Pitt.\n\nWOMAN\nYou're the assistant? Why weren't you\ntaking care of him?\n\nELAINE\nWell, he gave me the morning off, I\nwas doing a little... shopping. How\ndid this happen?\n\nMAN\nTook a very dangerous combination: prescription\nheart medicine and these other pills.\n\nELAINE\nMr. Pitt, you were s'posed to talk with\nthe pharmacist.\n\nPITT\nI spoke to someone who worked there.\n\nELAINE\nI'm gonna go and call that pharmacist.\n(She exits)\n\nWOMAN\nHow well do you know her?\n\nKATIE\nJerry, listen, just so you know, before\nwe take off they're gonna tell us what\nto do in the vent of a crash-\n\nJERRY\nYes, I know. I've flown before.\n\nKATIE\nOh good. I just didn't want you to freak\nout... The chance of a crash is very\nslim. Do you have to go to the bathroom?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nKATIE\n(Pause) Because even if you have (Jerry\ngets up to go) to go a little you'd\nbetter go now because you won't get\nanother chance until way after take\noff.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, how you doin'?\n\nEARL\nPretty good.\n\nKRAMER\nName's Kramer.\n\nEARL\nEarl Hafler, nice to meet you. I'm headed\nto Houston, where you headed?\n\nKRAMER\nOh I'm happy right here. Isn't this\nplace amazing? Planes flying in from\nall corners of the world, and they know\nthe minute they're arriving.\n\nEARL\nAh they don't know a darn thing. That's\nwhy my flight the Houston's been delayed.\nThey're all morons. Matter of fact,\nI'll bet you that that flight to Pittsburgh\ntakes off before my flight to Houston.\n\nKRAMER\nBet? Um, not betting.\n\nEARL\nFriendly wager.\n\nKRAMER\nI haven't made a bet in three years,\nI-\n\nEARL\nAh c'mon. Keep things interesting, pass\nthe time.\n\nKRAMER\nOkay, how much?\n\nEARL\nHow 'bout 200?\n\nKRAMER\nYou're on, cowboy!\n\nGEORGE\nHow ya doin'?\n\nMAN\nOkay.\n\nGEORGE\nNice day today.\n\nMAN\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm George. George Costanza, you live\naround here?\n\nINTERCOM\nNow arriving at gate 12...\n\nEARL\nThis could be Mexico City.\n\nKRAMER\nC'mon Seattle, let's go.\n\nEARL\nCome on, Mexico City!\n\nKRAMER\nSeattle, yeah!\n\nINTERCOM\n...flight 42 from Mexico City.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, c'mon, let's go again.\n\nELAINE\nMr. Pitt, do you need anything?\n\nPITT\nNo.\n\nELAINE\nYou need something to sit up. Why don't\nI get you a pillow?\n\nPITT\nOkay.\n\nKATIE\nIt's a pretty full house, the lighting\nguy's name is Lew, he's got a birthday\nnext week.\n\nJERRY\nI don't care.\n\nKATIE\nBy the way, Jerry, I don't want you\nto freak out, but the pilot is going\nto be in the audience.\n\nJERRY\nWho?\n\nKATIE\nRemember the plane we took here? The\npilot is gonna be sitting out there\nwatching the show.\n\nJERRY\nI don't care, why are you telling me\nthis?\n\nKATIE\nI just didn't want you to freak out\nwhen you saw him.\n\nJERRY\nWhy would I freak out? (To himself)\nPilot...\n\nOFF STAGE\nLadies and gentlemen, a big hand for\nMr. Jerry Seinfeld! (Clapping)\n\nJERRY\nHey, all right. Good afternoon Ithaca.\nWelcome, good to see you here... Boy,\nI'll tell you, there's an awful lot\nof those orange cones you have on the\nthroughway... (Sees pilot) on the way...\nup here... um... I..\n\nKATIE\nIt didn't go very well, did it?\n\nJERRY\nNo, it didn't. And you know why? Seeing\nthe pilot in the audience really freaked\nme out.\n\nKATIE\nI knew it.\n\nJERRY\nIf you hadn't mentioned anything, I\nwould have been fine. I became obsessed\nwith him.\n\nKATIE\nWhy did we invite him? Stupid, stupid.\nwhen he asked for a ticket, I should\nhave said no. I'm gonna go chew him\nout.\n\nJERRY\nOh, it doesn't matter now.\n\nKATIE\nDon't worry, Jerry. I'm on top of this.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, you're on top of it, and I'm on\nthe bottom!\n\nEARL\nWell, Mr. Kramer, looks like you're\nin the hole $3200... Will that be cash\nor check?\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, look, one more bet. Double\nor nothing. C'mon.\n\nEARL\nAll right, but I wanna see some cash\non the table.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, let me call my bank. You\nstay here. (He calls)\n\nN\nHello?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, it's, uh, me.\n\nN\nHey, what's up?\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, listen. I need some cash.\n\nN\nWhat for?\n\nKRAMER\nI just need it, that's all.\n\nN\nOh no. Don't tell me. You're gambling\nagain, aren't you? Oh you weak, weak\nman. Where are you?\n\nKRAMER\nI'm at the airport.\n\nN\nThe airport?\n\nKRAMER\nWe've been betting on arrivals and departures.\n(Newman rolls eyes) But I'm down $3200\n, so you've gotta get me some cash.\n\nN\nI don't have that kinda dough.\n\nKRAMER\nSure you do.\n\nN\nOh no, no, not the bag!\n\nKRAMER\nOh help me man, I'm desperate!\n\nN\nAll right, all right.\n\nINTERCOM\nSorry for the delay, folks, there is\na slight complication that we're taking\ncare of, and then we'll be on our way\nto La Guardia...\n\nJERRY\n(To Katie) What is the complication?\n\nFLISHT ATTENDANT\nMr. Seinfeld?\n\nJERRY\nYes?\n\nFA\nI'm sorry, but the pilot has asked that\nyou leave this plane.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nFA\nApparently, he has some sort of problem\nwith you.\n\nKATIE\nI'm not surprised. I really let him\nhave it, Jerry. He has no business being\nin your audience if you didn't want\nhim there.\n\nJERRY\nI didn't care.\n\nFA\nWell, now the pilot doesn't want you\non his plane.\n\nJERRY\nHe can't just throw me off the plane!\n\nFA\nYes he can, if he has cause to believe\na passenger will be a disturbance.\n\nJERRY\nBut I'm not a disturbance!\n\nFA\nWell, apparently you are disturbing\nhim, sir.\n\nJERRY\nBut someone is waiting for me!\n\nKATIE\nJerry, I don't want you to freak out.\n\nJERRY\nI'm freakin' out! I am freakin' out!\n\nKATIE\nThere's a flight leaving at eight, and\nanother one at eight-thirty, which one\ndo you want?\n\nJERRY\nWhich one do you think I want?\n\nKATIE\nThe eight will get you in a little earlier.\n\nJERRY\nThen we'll make it the eight.\n\nKATIE\nI'll book a hotel, do you want a standard\nroom or mini suite?)\n\nJERRY\nHotel?\n\nKATIE\nYeah, it's eight in the morning.\n\nJERRY\nNo, no, no. I have to get home tonight.\nBridget's gonna be waiting for me at\nthe Diplomat's Club. Rent a car.\n\nKATIE\nMid-size, luxury, or sports model, what's\nyour preference?\n\nJERRY\nI don't have a preference, okay! Just\nmake a decision yourself! Stop bothering\nme with every minor little detail, please?\n\nKATIE\nOkay, you're a big celebrity. (She exits)\n\nGEORGE\nYo.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, Jerry, how was Ithaca?\n\nJERRY\nI'm still here. Listen, you gotta go\ndown to the Diplomat's Club...\n\nGEORGE\nHey, Jerry, what was the name of the\nexterminator who fumigated your apartment\nwhen you had fleas?\n\nJERRY\nCarl, I think.\n\nGEORGE\nCarl... Yeah, he was a nice guy.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, he was nice.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat company was it?\n\nJERRY\nDefent.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, you know we spoke for a little\nbit...\n\nJERRY\nYou need an exterminator?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, not really.\n\nJERRY\nOh, don't tell me. 'Cause he's black?\n\nGEORGE\nGotta go.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, George!\n\nJERRY\nHello, this is Jerry Seinfeld. Is Elaine\nthere?\n\nWOMAN\nHold on... Elaine, there's a Jerry Seinfeld\non the phone for you.\n\nELAINE\nHello?\n\nJERRY\nElaine, I need you to do me a big favor.\nI need you to go down to the Diplomat's\nClub and meet Bridget for me. I'm going\nto be late.\n\nELAINE\nThat's at the airport, right?\n\nJERRY\nRight, I don't want Bridget to think\nI stood her up. I'll never get another\ndate with her. She'll freak out.\n\nELAINE\nAll right, all right. You sound a little\nfreaked out yourself.\n\nJERRY\nI am a little freaked out!\n\nELAINE\nCalm down, I'll take care of it. (Ms.\nWalker looks suspicious of Elaine)\n\nJERRY\nAll right, but you have to go now.\n\nELAINE\nI said I'll take care of it!\n\nN\nKramer.\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nN\nOkay, here it is.\n\nKRAMER\nGood. (To Earl) Here's my collateral.\n\nEARL\nSo it's a mailbag, so what?\n\nN\nSo what? Do you know whose mailbag that\nis?\n\nEARL\n(Reading) David Berkowitz.\n\nN\nSon of Sam. The worst mass murderer\nthe post office ever produced.\n\nEARL\nWhere did you get this?\n\nN\nI took over his route. And boy, were\nthere a lot of dogs on that route.\n\nEARL\nAny of 'em talk to you?\n\nN\nJust to tell me to keep off the snacks!\n\nEARL\n(To Kramer) Your buddy's a helluva guy.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, don't I know it.\n\nEARL\nOkay, Cosmo, we're back in business.\nLet's check out the board. Now, who\ndo you like?\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, how 'bout Ithaca vs. Boston?\n\nEARL\nAll right, I'll give you a sportin'\nchance. I'll take Ithaca.\n\nKRAMER\nDouble or nothin'.\n\nEARL\nDouble or nothin'.\n\nN\nI hope you know what you're doing...\n(Kramer gives Newman a look of lack\nof confidence)\n\nJERRY\n(Wakes up) Where are we?\n\nKATIE\nI'm not sure.\n\nJERRY\nIs this even a road?\n\nKATIE\nOh we lost the road a half hour ago.\n\nJERRY\nWhat? Why didn't you wake me up?\n\nKATIE\nYou told me not to bother you with minor\ndetails.\n\nJERRY\nNo, road is a major detail!\n\nKATIE\nOkay, now I know. Should I keep going\nor turn around, do you have a preference?\n\nJERRY\n(Pointing ahead) Look out!\n\nGEORGE\nMay I help you?\n\nCARL\nI'm the exterminator.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, yes of course, come in.\n\nCARL\nWhy didn't you want me to bring my equipment\nor wear my uniform?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, well, if the other people in the\noffice saw that I called an exterminator,\nthey would just panic. Besides, this\nis sort of a friendly visit. Carl, right?\n\nCARL\nDo I know you?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, sure, we met at Jerry Seinfeld's\napartment. When you fumigated for fleas\nover there.\n\nCARL\nSeinfeld... Oh yeah, funny white guy,\nright?\n\nGEORGE\nJerry? Yes, I suppose he is white. You\nknow, I never really thought about it.\nI don't see people in terms of color.\nYou know, there's someone I'd like you\nto meet. Hand on... (To phone) Is Mr.\nMorgan in?\n\nPHONE\nMr. Morgan left for dinner.\n\nGEORGE\nHe left... huh... Carl, you hungry?\n\nTV\nHere's a new twist on car pooling: Early\nthis morning, a lost Manhattanite drove\nthrough a residential backyard and wound\nup in a swimming pool near Ithaca, New\nYork. Comedian Jerry Seinfeld, a passenger,\nseemed a little freaked out.\n\nJERRY\nThat's it! No more questions! I don't\ncare!\n\nPITT\nThat's him! That's the man who gave\nme the pills in the drug store! He's\nno pharmacist.\n\nWOMAN\nJerry Seinfeld... I know that name.\nHe called here earlier for Elaine. (She\nlooks at Mr. Pitt)\n\nGEORGE\n(To Carl) Oh, by the way, order anything\nyou want, it's all on me. Just do me\na tiny favor: pretend we're old friends.\nOh my God! Mr. Morgan! What a coincidence,\nit's Mr. Morgan. Mr. Morgan, I want\nyou to meet a dear old friend of mine,\nCarl.\n\nCARL\nI'm the exterminator. (Morgan confused)\n\nGEORGE\nThat's... what we used to call him in\nhigh school, the exterminator. He's\na linebacker. Oh, did we have some wild\ntimes.\n\nEARL\nWell, that Newman was your good luck\ncharm.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, he was.\n\nEARL\nI should have quitted at double or nothin'.\nTravelers checks acceptable?\n\nKRAMER\nOh I accept.\n\nN\n(Talking to another man) ...yeah he\nworked in the cubicle right next to\nme. We once double dated.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, it's a pleasure doin' business\nwith a gentleman like yourself. (Elaine\nenters)\n\nELAINE\nKramer.\n\nKRAMER\nOh hi Elaine. What are you doing here?\n\nELAINE\nJerry asked me to meet his girlfriend\nhere. Did you here about his plane in\nIthaca?\n\nEARL\nWhat about the plane in Ithaca?\n\nELAINE\nOh, our stupid friend freaked out the\npilot. Single handedly delayed the plane\na whole hour. Can you believe that?\n\nKRAMER\nBoy...\n\nEARL\nYour friend caused the delay?\n\nELAINE\nUh huh.\n\nEARL\nYou're a cheat! Nobody hustles Earl\nHafler.\n\nKRAMER\nC'mon!\n\nEARL\nSee you around, Cosmo.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nPoison you? Jerry Seinfeld tried to\npoison you? Wha? Mr. Pitt, what are\nyou, delirious? He's never even met\nyou!\n\nPITT\nYou're fired, Elaine. Goodbye.\n\nELAINE\nGoodbye? (Elaine thinks of memories\nwith Mr. Pitt)\n\nJERRY\nBridget!\n\nBRIDGET\nJerry, what happened?\n\nJERRY\nOh, I'm so sorry. I got stuck out of\ntown. I missed our whole time together.\n\nBRIDGET\nWell, my plane doesn't leave for another\nhalf hour.\n\nJERRY\nReally? (They start to make out, Jerry\nsees the pilot on the plane) Oh my God,\nthat's him! That's the pilot!\n\nGEORGE\nI love this place. You know, Carl and\nI come here all the time.\n\nMORGAN\nIs that right?\n\nCARL\nYeah, I come here all the time. You\nwouldn't believe the rat problems in\nthe kitchen.\n\nMORGAN\n(George spits out food) I thought so.\nYou really are an exterminator. This\ntime, George, you've sunk to a new low.\n(He leaves)\n\nGEORGE\nCheck, please.\n\nWAITER\nHey, Sugar Ray Leonard can eat here\non the house.\n\nGEORGE\nMr. Morgan! Did you hear that? Mr. Morgan!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Understudy.html",
    "text": "THE UNDERSTUDY\n\nWritten by\n\nMarjorie Gross & Carol Leifer\n\nGENNICE\n(Crying) (sob sob)\n\nJERRY\n(To himself) Now what am I supposed\nto do here? Shall I go over there? It's\nnot like somebody died. It's \"Beaches\"\nfor god's sake. If she was sitting next\nto me I'd put my arm around her. I can't\nbe making a big move like going all\nthe way over there. I can't. I won't.\n\n(Next day, Jerry and George enter Jerry's apartment)\n\nJERRY\nShe calls me this morning and tells\nme she's upset I didn't console her.\nI mean it was \"Beaches\" for god's sake.\nWhat, what do you do in a situation\nlike that?\n\nGEORGE\nWhere were you?\n\nJERRY\nI was sitting on the chair. She was\nover here on the couch.\n\nGEORGE\nWell you know, if you were sitting right\nnext to her you'd have to console her\nno matter what.\n\nJERRY\nOf course.\n\nGEORGE\nWhen you're talking about a movie like\n\"Beaches\", moving from the chair to\nthe couch ... that's quite a voyage.\n\nJERRY\nyeah,\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nGEORGE\nHey. I gotta go.\n\nKRAMER\nWhere you going?\n\nJERRY\nThe Improv is playing \"Rochelle Rochelle\"\nThe musical.\n\nKRAMER\nReally? What is Bette Midler playing?\nIs she going to be there?\n\nJERRY\nShe might be. She's the star of the\nshow.\n\nKRAMER\nBette Midler is going to be in the park\ntoday? Yeeee. Jerry, don't tease me.\n\nGEORGE\nI didn't know you were such a Bette\nMidler fan.\n\nKRAMER\nSo maybe I'll go down there and watch,\nuh? She'll be there,,maybe.\n\nGEORGE\nGennice palying today?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, maybe.\n\nKRAMER\nWho's Gennice?\n\nJERRY\nThat's the understudy. I'm dating her.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, uh, is this uh, Bette Midler's understudy?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, understudies are a very shifty bunch.\nThe substitute teachers of the theater\nworld.\n\nJERRY\nI'm glad she's an understudy. I don't\nhave to avoid going back stage and having\nto think of something to say.\n\nGEORGE\nGoing backstage is the worst. Especially\nwhen they stink. You know that's a real\nproblem.\n\nJERRY\nJust once I would like to tell someone\nthey stink. You know what? I doidn't\nlike the show. I didn't like you. It\njust really stunk. The whole thing...real\nbad. Stinkaroo. Thanks for the tickets\nthough.\n\n(Ruby's Nail Parlor - Korean language in quotes)\n\nRUBY\nYou late.\n\nELAINE\nI know I know. I didn't have change\nfor the bus and they don't give change\nin this city. So they threw me off the\nbus\n\nRUBY\n\"That's a shame\". You'll have to wait\nfor Lotus now.\n\nELAINE\nHow long do you think this will take.\nI have a millllioooon things to do.\n\nRUBY\n\"Mustn't keep the princess waiting.\nPrincess in a big hurry.\" \"No change\nfor bus\" \"Poor princess.\"\n\nELAINE\nWhat?, uh?\n\nRUBY\nNothing, won't be long.\n\nLOTUS\n\"Princess wants a manicure.\"\n\nSUNNY\n\"Oh lucky me.\"\n\nLOTUS\n\"Oh, you got the princess.\"\n\nELAINE\nWhat is so funny?\n\nRUBY\n...tell knock-knock joke.\n\n(Baseball diamond in the park)\n\nELAINE\nThe Korean women were talking about\nme. I think they were calling me a dog.\n\nJERRY\nHow would you know? You don't speak\nKorean.\n\nELAINE\nBecause this woman came in with a dog\nand Ruby called the dog the same word\nthey used when they were pointing at\nme...ge ge ge\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, maybe in Korean \"dog\" isn't\nan insult. Could be like the word \"fox\"\nto us. Oh, she's a DOG!\n\nJERRY\nWhy don't you go to another nail shop?\n\nELAINE\nBecause they're the best Jerry, the\nbest. Look. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.\n\nJERRY\nWhat you need is a translator to go\nin the shop with you and tell you what\nthey're saying.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, who speaks Korean?\n\nJERRY\nYou know who speaks Korean?\n\nELAINE\nNo, who?\n\nJERRY\nGeorge's father.\n\nELAINE\nYou gotta' be kidding me. How does he\nspeak Korean?\n\nJERRY\nHe used to go there a lot on business.\n\nELAINE\nWhat did he do?\n\nJERRY\nHe sold religious articles the statues\nof Jesus, the virgin Mary, that were\nmanufactured in Korea.\n\nELAINE\nUh,\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, does your father speak Korean?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, he once bumped into reverend Yung\nSun Moon.\n\nJERRY\nOh, hi Gennice.\n\nGENNICE\nHi Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nThis is George, this is Kramer.\n\nGENNICE\nNice to meet you.\n\nJERRY\nPlaying today?\n\nGENNICE\nNo. I'm on the bench today.\n\nJERRY\nThey really stick to that understudy\nrule.\n\nKRAMER\nSo she's coming?\n\nGENNICE\nOh, yeah, she'll be here... .(DROPS\nHOT DOG) Oh no, my frankfurter, my frankfurter\nfell (sob sob sob sob) . It was really\ngood. I can't believe that I dropped\nit. (sob sob sob sob)\n\nJERRY\nIt's okay...it's just a hot dog, (still\nsobbing) everything is going to be okay.\n\nGENNICE\nNo it (sob) was really good.\n\n(Crowd yelling - Bette arrives)\n\nKRAMER\nLook it's Bette It's Bette! Ah, Ah,\nAH, ... Bette, psst, hi.\n\nBETTE\nHi.\n\nKRAMER\nUh, I just want to say I think you're\nwonderful.\n\nBETTE\nUh, thank you.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I've seen you in everything you've\ndone.\n\nBETTE\nReally?\n\nKRAMER\nAnything I can get you? Water? They\ngot ice over here.\n\nBETTE\nWhat flavours do they have?\n\nKRAMER\nChocolate, Lemon, and uh, Cherry.\n\nBETTE\nHow about Pineapple?\n\nKRAMER\nPineapple, sure, alright, I'll be right\nback.\n\n(First Italian ice cream seller)\n\nICE CREAM VENDOR #1\nNo pineapple. Just Cherry, Lemon and\nTutti-Frutti\n\nKRAMER\nOh, uh, uh. (Leaves)\n\n(Monk's)\n\nELAINE\nAnyway, Mr. Costanza, what I want you\nto do is to come to the shop with me\nand tell me what they are saying. You\ndo speak Korean?\n\nFRANK\nI once talked to the reverend Yung Son\nMoon. He bought two Jesus statues from\nme. He's a hell of a nice guy.\n\nELAINE\nuh, ha.\n\nFRANK\nEver see that face on him? Like a Biiig\napple pie.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, yeah. Uh, uh listen Mr. Costanza,\nif uh, if you do this for me I'll get\nyou a manicure, I'll pay for it. Or\nyou can get a pedicure if you want.\n\nFRANK\nNo one is touching my feet. Between\nyou and me, Elaine, I think I've got\na foot odour problem.\n\n(Baseball diamond- Bette at bat)\n\nGEORGE\nI watched \"Beaches\" on cable last night.\n...(wings?) ... Give me a break.\n\nBETTE\nGet some talent then you can mouth off.\n\nUMPIRE\nStrike three.\n\nBETTE\nWhat? Are you blind?\n\nUMPIRE\nWhat?\n\nBETTE\nNothing, nothing.\n\n(Monk's)\n\nFRANK\nI had an affair with a Korean woman.\n\nELAINE\nUh, Mr. Costanza, I ...\n\nFRANK\nNo, I feel I need to unburden myself.\nI loved her very deeply. But the clash\nof cultures was too much. Her family\nwould not accept me.\n\nELAINE\nMr. Costanza, I, ...\n\nFRANK\nMaybe it was because I refused to take\noff my shoes. Again, the foot odour\nproblem. Her father would look at me\nand say, \" eno enoa juang \". Which means,\n\"this guy - this is not my kind of guy\".\n\n(On Stree)\n\nICE CREAM VENDOR #2\nSure I got Pineapple.\n\n(Kramer runs back with it)\n\n(Baseball diamond - George at bat)\n\nBETTE\nMove it in. Move in everybody. Get your\nshrimp here. Shrimp on special today!\n\nJERRY\nCome on George, just loosen up.\n\n(George hits one )\n\nJERRY\nCome on George.\n\nKRAMER\nI GOT THE PINEAPPLE. : I GOT THE PINEAPPLE.\n\nJERRY\n(to George) Keep going.\n\nGEORGE\nAaaaaah\n\n(George runs into Bette (trivia- but misses home plate))\n\nUMPIRE\nSAFE!\n\n(Mob gets angry and chases George and Jerry)\n\nGEORGE\ncome on it's just a game.\n\nKRAMER\n(holding bette) Don't worry Kramer is\ngoing to take care of everything. See,,\nI got you Pineapple. I saw Beaches last\nnight for the fourth time (sings) \"You\nare the wind...\"\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nTV\nthe show will go on but not Bette Midler.\nWhile playing softball in the park Ms.\nMidler was injured when another player\nthoughtlessly rammed her at home plate.\nAll captured on amateur video tape.\nShe will be out for two weeks from her\nBroadway show; Rochelle Rochelle - The\nMusical.\n\n(Genice enters)\n\nGENNICE\n... Thank you. (hugs Jerry and George)\n\nJERRY\nWell we...\n\nGENNICE\nNo, please. This is the first time in\nmy life (sobs) that anyone has ever\ndone anything like this for me. I've\nalways had to struggle so hard for everything\nI ever got. (sobbing) and I know this\nis going to be my big break. (sobbing)\n\nJERRY\n(with no emotion) It's okay. Everything\nis going to be all right.\n\n(Knocking at door)\n\nKRAMER\nCome on Jerry, open up. I KNOW YOU'RE\nIN THERE!\n\nJERRY\nCome back another time.\n\n(Shot of each lock being opened)\n\nKRAMER\nSO...you're all in here together. How\nconvenient. I hope you're all proud\nof yourselves.\n\n(Turning to Genice)\n\nKRAMER\nSo my dear you think you can get to\nBroadway. Well, let me tell you something.\nBroadway has no room for people like\nyou. Not the Broadway I know. My Broadway\ntakes people like you and eats them\nup and spits them out. My Broadway is\nthe Broadway of Merman, and Martin,\nand Fontaine, and if you think you can\nbuild yourself up by knocking other\npeople down... ...GOOD LUCK... (exits)\n\n(Nail Parlour)\n\nELAINE\nHi everyone. Um, this is my friend,\nFrank.\n\nRUBY\nWhat would you like today? Manicure,\nPedicure?\n\nFRANK\nI'll take a manicure. I don't take my\nshoes off for anyone.\n\nRUBY\n\"That's the least of his problems.\"\n\nFRANK\nWhat was that?\n\nELAINE\nWhat'd they say? What'd they say?\n\nFRANK\nThey made a derogatory comment about\nme.\n\nRUBY\n\"She's with a man twice her age.\" \"He\ndoesn't look like he's got much money\neither.\"\n\nLOTUS\n\"Check out that sweater\". (all laughing)\n\nRUBY\n\"I think I saw a moth fly out of a pocket.\"\n\nLOTUS\n\"What happened to his tail?\"\n\nFRANK\nOkay, THAT'S IT! \"oki on awa\" Where's\nmy tail? I heard every word you said.\nYou got some nerve.\n\n(Back room)\n\nKIM\nThat voice? It sounds so familiar. It\nreminds me of when I was ayoung girl\nin Korea and I met an American businessman.\nHe was a very unusual man. Quick temperd\nwith a strange halting way of speaking.\nWe fell in love but when I brought him\nhome to meet my father? He refused to\ntake his shoes off. And there was a\nterrible fight.\n\nLOTUS\nThat man also refuses to take his shoes\noff.\n\nFRANK\n(from other room) I never seen people\ntreated like this!\n\nRUBY\nYou brought in a spy! ... Get Out!\n\nKIM\nFrank?\n\nFRANK\nKim?\n\n(Hospital room)\n\nKRAMER\n(on phone) A turkey sandwich. A side\nof slaw, ... you want whit e meat or dark?\n\nBETTE\nWhite meat.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, white meat. And if I see one piece\nof dark meat on there. It's your ass\nbuster.\n\nBETTE\nGet me one of those Black and White\ncookies.\n\nKRAMER\nyeah, all right, yeah.... (hangs up) They\ndon't have any. But don't worry I'm\ngoing to get you one somewhere.\n\nBETTE\nGood. Because if I don't get a Black\nand White cookie I'm not going to be\nvery pleasant to be around.\n\nKRAMER\nNow that's impossible.\n\n(On rainy street at night)\n\nELAINE\n(sob sob) (bumps into man with an umbrella)\n... I don't even know where I'm going.\n\nPETERMAN\nThat's the best way to get someplace\nyou've never been.\n\nELAINE\nyes, (sob) I suppose, ...\n\nPETERMAN\nHave you been crying?\n\nELAINE\nYes, (sob) you see this (sob) woman,\nthis manicurist,...\n\nPETERMAN\nOh no, that doesn't matter now. That's\na very nice jacket.\n\nELAINE\nUh, (sob) thanks.\n\nPETERMAN\nVery soft, huge button flaps, cargo\npockets, draw string waist, deep biswing\nvents in the back perfect for jumping\ninto a gondola.\n\nELAINE\nHow do you know all that?\n\nPETERMAN\nThat's my coat.\n\nELAINE\nYou mean..?\n\nPETERMAN\nYes, I'm J. Peterman.\n\nELAINE\nOh!\n\n(In Taxi)\n\nJERRY\nI don't know why I have to go to the\nhospital. I didn't do anything to Bette\nMidler. Driver can you stop over here,\nwe're picking somebody up.\n\n(Crowd yelling)\n\nGENNICE\nHey, I didn't do anything. I was never\ninformed. ... YOU CAN ALL GO STRAIGHT\nTO HELL.... You see that? You see what\nI am going through?\n\nGEORGE\nSo what? Somebody dropped an egg on\nmy head as I went into my building last\nnight.\n\nJERRY\nHey, I'm being heckled on stage. People\nare yelling out Galloogy.\n\nGENNICE\nI'm having a little trouble with all\nthis. I mean all I ever wanted to do\nis sing. Now I'm the focus of this big\nmedia frenzy. (sob) Nobody in the show\nwill even talk to me.\n\nJERRY\nStop your crying will ya?\n\nGENNICE\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nYou heard him.\n\nGENNICE\nOh, don't you you're the reason this\nwhole thing happened.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, yeah. I read what you said to the\npapers yesterday. You weren't in on\nthe planing. What planning? YOU THINK\nWE PLANED THIS? Uh?\n\nCABBIE\nWait. Wait. I know you. You knocked\nBette Midler out of Rochelle Rochelle\nthe Musical. I want you creeps out of\nmy cab.\n\nJERRY\nHey, I had nothing to do with it.\n\nCABBIE\nGet out of my cab. You should go to\nprison. You should be in prison for\nthe rest of your life. Get out, each\nof you. Each and every one of you get\nout of my cab.\n\n(Restaurant)\n\nPETERMAN\nThen in the distance I heard the bulls.\nI began running as fast as I could.\nFortunately I was wearing my Italian\nCaptoe Oxfords. Sophisticated yet different;\nnothing to make a huge fuss about. Rich\ndark brown calfskin leather. Matching\nleather vent. Men's whole and half sizes\n7 through 13. Price $135.00.\n\nEx; Oh, that's not too expensive.\n\nPETERMAN\nThat shirt. Where did you get it?\n\nELAINE\nOh, this innocent looking shirt has\nsomething which isn't innocent at all.\nTouchability! Heavy, silky Italian cotton,\nwith a fine almost terrycloth like feeling.\nFive button placket, relaxed fit, innocence\nand mayhem at once.\n\nPETERMAN\nThat's NOT bad!\n\n(Frank's car)\n\nKIM\nOh, Frank. So many years. If only you\nhad taken your shoes off.\n\nFRANK\nI couldn't because I had a potential\nfoot problem.\n\nKIM\nI thought maybe you had a hole in your\nsocks.\n\nFRANK\nI wiped them for two minutes on the\nmat. I don't know why your father had\nto make a federal case out of it.\n\nKIM\nAnyway that is all in the past. We have\nour whole future ahead of us.\n\nFRANK\nBetween you and me I think your country\nis placing a lot of importance on shoe\nremoval.\n\n(Screeching of brakes)\n\nKIM\nYou short stop me? We don't do that\nin Korea! Take me home. Inever want\nto see you again.\n\n(Bette's hospital room - Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nHi, here. I made this for your. (gives\nher a pasta statue)\n\nBETTE\n... What is it?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's macaroni Midler.\n\nBETTE\nMacaroni Midler?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, see how you're singing?\n\nBETTE\n... yeah ...ha ha. Well you made a long\njourney from Milan to Minsk.\n\nKRAMER\noh, what's that from?\n\nBETTE\nOh, that's one of the songs from my\nshow. Bette sings:\n\n\"Well you made a long journey from Milan to Minsk.\n\nRochelle Rochelle.\n\nYou never stopped hoping. now you're in the Pinsk\n\nRochelle Rochelle\n\nWhen the nay sayers nay you pick up your pace\n\nSo nothing's going to stop me so get out of my face.\n\nI'm having adventures all over the place.\n\nRochelle ROCHELLE!\"\n\nKRAMER\nOh You are so freaking talented.\n\n(knock at door - Kramer goes out into hall)\n\nKRAMER\nOh, so look who's here. What do you\nwant.\n\nJERRY\nWe just want to talk to her. We want\nto apologize and tell her the whole\nthing was an accident.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no. I'm sorry it's out of the question.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nBette is recuperating right now and\nI'm not going to allow anything to disturb\nher.\n\nGEORGE\nWho are you to decide?\n\nKRAMER\nI'm calling the shots around here so\nthere won't be anymore ACCIDENTS!\n\nGEORGE\nHey, look, Kramer,...\n\nKRAMER\nAH! I don't want her disturbed.\n\n(Outside Broadway Theater)\n\nRUBY\nhello, Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nHello\n\nLOTUS\nWe're so excited.\n\nELAINE\nYou're welcome.\n\nRUBY\nWe'll see you inside.\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened?\n\nELAINE\nWell I felt bad about the spying, so\nyou know,,I got them tickets to the\nshow.\n\nJERRY\nOh,, that's nice. Alright, I'll see\nyou later.\n\nELAINE\nWait, wait. I didn't get to tell you\nabout my new job.\n\nJERRY\nWhere?\n\nELAINE\nWriting for the J. Peterman catalogue.\n\nJERRY\n(pushing her) How did you get that?\n\nELAINE\nI met him.\n\nJERRY\nYou met J. Peterman?\n\nELAINE\nyeah.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is he like?\n\nJERRY\n(walking away) Yeah, I'll see ya'.\n\nELAINE\n... Small, Medium, Large, XL, Double...\n\n(Backstage)\n\nJERRY\nWell, break a leg tonight.\n\nGENNICE\nI'm really nervous.\n\nSTAGEHAND\nHere you got a telegram. Well, look\nwho's here.\n\nJERRY\nListen buddy,\n\nSTAGEHAND\nWhat are you going to do? Break my legs?\nYou don't scare me. You or your goons.\n\nGENNICE\nHow do you like this?\n\nJERRY\nWhat is it?\n\nGENNICE\nMy grandmother died.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I'm so sorry.\n\nGENNICE\nOh, it's okay,\n\nJERRY\nSo you don't cry when your grandmother\ndies? But a hotdog makes you lose control?\n\nVOICE\n(Off camera) Places everyone.\n\nGENNICE\nI gotta go.\n\nJERRY\nGood luck.\n\n(Audience)\n\nANNOUNCER\nladies and gentlemen for this evening's\nperformance the part of Rochelle will\nbe played by Gennice Grant.\n\nLOTUS\nGennice Glant?\n\nRUBY\nWhat happened to Bette Midler?\n\nELAINE\nOh, she got hurt.\n\nRUBY\nNo Bette Midler? (they talk Korean and\nall three leave)\n\nELAINE\nI, uh, wait..\n\n(On Stage)\n\nGENNICE\n(singing and dancing) \"It's a long journey\nfrom Milan to Minsk\" (Shoe lace comes\nundone) wait wait. Hold it stop, (sob)\nI'm sorry, I have to start it over,\nmy shoelace. (sob) I can't do it like\nthis. Please let me start over. (sob)\nPlease. (sob) Please....\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Face-Painter.html",
    "text": "THE FACE PAINTER\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nMonkeys are really the end of the line\nin the pet world. I think when you're\nat the monkey level of pet ownership,\nhave a kid. I mean, come on, you know,\nI mean, you're *so* close. If you need\na pet that can roller skate and smoke\ncigars, it's time to think about a family.\nMonkeys, of course, were the first astronauts\nin the sixties, which I'm sure made\nperfect sense in the monkey brain. 'Maybe\nthat is the next logical step for me,\nbecause I've been working with the Italian\nguy and the crank organ, and I think\nI'm ready to handle the maximum re-entry\ng-forces.\n\n(George and his date are talking in his car.)\n\nGEORGE\nTake toilet paper for example. Do you\nrealize that toilet paper has not changed\nin my lifetime? It's just paper on a\ncardboard roll, that's it. And in ten\nthousand years, it will still be exactly\nthe same because really, what else can\nthey do?\n\nSIENA\nThat's true. There really has been no\ndevelopment in toilet paper.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd everything else has changed. But\ntoilet paper is exactly the same, and\nwill be so until we're dead.\n\nSIENA\nYeah, you're right George. What else\ncan they do?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's just paper on a roll, that's it.\nAnd that's all it will ever be.\n\nSIENA\nWow.\n\nGEORGE\nYou find this interesting, don't you?\n\nSIENA\nYes. yes, I do.\n\n(They stare at each other for a moment, then embrace.)\n\nJerry and Elaine are at the coffee shop.\n\nELAINE\nOh, thanks very much, the soup was really\ngood.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you telling him for?\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nHe's the busboy, you think he cares\nabout the soup?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, why? Wouldn't he want the soup\nto be good?\n\nJERRY\nElaine, it's all this guy can do to\nkeep from killing himself. You think\nhe's back there, talking to the chef,\ngoing, \"Hey, they like the soup!Keep\nit up!\"?\n\nELAINE\nHey, isn't that Alec Berg?\n\nJERRY\nYep, Alec Berg. He's got a good 'John\nHouseman' name. Alec Beeerg. Mr. Beeerg.\n\nELAINE\nI can't stand him, he is so pretentious.\n\nJERRY\nJohn Houseman?\n\nELAINE\nNo, Alec Berg.\n\nALEC\nElaine!\n\nELAINE\nHi!\n\nALEC\nHi, how are you? Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHi, Alec.\n\nALEC\nDid you hear about Gary Fogel?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nALEC\nYou gonna go to the funeral on Friday?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, hey did I see you on TV at the\nRanger game? Were those your seats\n\nright behind the glass?\n\nALEC\nThose are them, yeah. Season tickets.\nUh, you know, unfortunately I\n\ncan't go tonight, so they're available if you'd like to use them.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I'd love to, are you sure?\n\nALEC\nAbsolutely, you just call my secretary,\nshe'll arrange everything.\n\nJERRY\nGee thanks! Thanks a lot!\n\nALEC\nIt's my pleasure. Be good. (Walking\naway, he stops abruptly) You know,\n\nI actually might not use them on Friday either so I'll let you\nknow.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, thanks again.\n\nELAINE\nThank you very much.\n\nJERRY\nReally, thank you.\n\nJerry and Elaine are back at his apartment.\n\nJERRY\nWell what about these nitwits that get\non a plane with nothing to read?\n\nYou know who these people are?\n\nELAINE\nWho?\n\nJERRY\nThese are the people that want to talk\nto you. They got nothing else to\n\ndo, why not disturb you?\n\nELAINE\nI will never understand people.\n\nJERRY\nThey're the worst.\n\nGeorge enters, carrying a bouquet of flowers and singing.\n\nGEORGE\nSomething's up, there's something in\nthe air.\n\nJERRY\nWell, what is with you?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I think this is it.\n\nELAINE\nWhat's it?\n\nGEORGE\nI saw Siena again.\n\nELAINE\nSiena?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, he's dating a crayon.\n\nGEORGE\nWe discussed toilet paper.\n\nJERRY\nToilet paper?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, I told her how toilet paper hasn't\nchanged in my lifetime, and\n\nprobably wouldn't change in the next fifty thousand years and\nshe was\n\nfascinated, fascinated!\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nToilet paper's changed.\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nIt's softer.\n\nELAINE\nSofter.\n\nJERRY\nMore sheets per roll\n\nELAINE\nSheets.\n\nJERRY\nComes in a wide variety of colors.\n\nELAINE\nColors.\n\nGEORGE\nOk, ok, fine! It's changed, it's not\nreally the point. Anyway, I'm\n\nthinking of making a big move.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nI might tell her that I love her. I\ncame this close last night, then I\n\njust chickened out.\n\nJERRY\nWell, that's a big move, Georgie boy.\nAre you confident in the 'I love\n\nyou' return?\n\nGEORGE\nFifty-fifty.\n\nJERRY\nCause if you don't get that return,\nthat's a pretty big matzoh ball\n\nhanging out there.\n\nGEORGE\nAw, I've just got to say it once, everybody\nelse gets to say it, why\n\ncan't I say it?\n\nELAINE\nWhat, you never said it?\n\nGEORGE\nOnce, to a dog. He licked himself and\nleft the room.\n\nJERRY\nWell, so it wasn't a total loss.\n\nKramer enters.\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey, I forgot to tell you! I got tickets\nto the Rangers-Devils playoff\n\ngame tonight!\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I'm there, Monongahela!\n\nJERRY\nWhat about you, George?\n\nGEORGE\nEh eh eh, can't do it, can't do it,\nsorry, I got a date.\n\nKRAMER\nSo, so.\n\nGEORGE\nOh no no no, if you must know, I would\nrather be with her than go to\n\nthe game.\n\nKRAMER\nShe must be a very special lady, huh\nGeorge, yeah.\n\nJERRY\nWell, what do I do with the extra ticket?\n\nELAINE\nOh hey, can I bring David Puddy? He's\na big Devils' fan.\n\nJERRY\nSure, fine with me.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, by the way, if anybody wants an\ninside tour of the zoo, Siena\n\nworks there as a trainer.\n\nKRAMER\nSo she works at the zoo?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, yeah.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, like Diane Fosse. You know she's\nthe only person that's ever\n\nbeen accepted into gorilla society. And you know, once those\ngorillas accept\n\nyou, you got it made in the shade.\n\nElaine is at Puddy's apartment, waiting in the living room while\nhe gets ready.\n\nELAINE\nSo how long have you been a Devils'\nfan?\n\nPUDDY\nSince I was a kid, I'm from Jersey.\n\nELAINE\nYeah? Well, we're gonna kick your butts\ntonight.\n\nPUDDY\nHey, no way, man.\n\nELAINE\nYes.\n\nPUDDY\nWe're primed.\n\nELAINE\nAlright, you almost ready? Cause Jerry\nand Kramer are gonna be here\n\nany second.\n\nPuddy enters wearing a Devils' jersey and red and green paint\nall over his face.\n\nELAINE\nWhat the--\n\nPUDDY\nSo what do you think?\n\nELAINE\nWhat is that?\n\nPUDDY\nI painted my face.\n\nELAINE\nYou painted your face?\n\nPUDDY\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nWhy?\n\nPUDDY\nYou know, support the team.\n\nELAINE\nWell, you can't walk around like that.\n\nPUDDY\nWhy not?\n\nELAINE\nBecause it's insane?\n\nPUDDY\nHey, you gotta let them know you're\nout there, this is the playoffs.\n\nThere's a knock at the door, Puddy answers it. It's Jerry and\nKramer. Kramer\n\nenters first and does a typical 'Kramer take' when he sees Puddy's\npainted face.\n\nHe recovers quickly.\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nPUDDY\nHey.\n\nELAINE\nDave, um, painted his face.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, that's cool. Well, you gotta support\nyour team.\n\nPUDDY\nOk, ready to go?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nPUDDY\nLET'S GET IT ON!!! Alright!! Go Devils!!\nGo\n\nDevils!! Let's go Devils!!\n\nMadison Square Garden, the four of them are at the game. Three\nare seated,\n\nPuddy has his face pressed against the glass as there's action\nin his corner.\n\nPUDDY\nYou're dead, Messier! We're gonna get\nyou, Messier!\n\nFAN #1\nWill you sit down?\n\nPUDDY\nHey man, I'm just trying to support\nthe team.\n\nELAINE\nWill you sit down? You're disturbing\neverybody. Sit down!\n\nPUDDY\nOh yeah, because you're a Ranger fan\nand you know I'm messing with their\n\nheads.\n\nJust then the Devils score a goal and Puddy is back up, banging\nthe glass.\n\nPUDDY\nGo Devils!!\n\nGeorge and Siena are sitting in the car again. They're listening\nto the hockey\n\ngame on the radio.\n\nRADIO ANNOUNCER\nDevils goal! Stephan Richer scores from\njust inside the blue\n\nline! And the Devils take-- (George turns down the volume)\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, I could have actually gone\nto that.\n\nSIENA\nSo why didn't you?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I didn't want to break our date.\n\nSIENA\nOh, well.\n\nGEORGE\nBecause I... I love you.\n\nSIENA\nYou know, I'm hungry. Let's get something\nto eat.\n\nJerry, Elaine, Kramer and Puddy are walking on the street after\nthe game. The\n\nDevils must have won because Puddy is gloating.\n\nPUDDY\nHa ha! We took it to you! You couldn't\nget it out of your zone all\n\nnight. We were aggressive, we didn't let you penetrate!\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, that's enough out of you, there's\nstill three more games left\n\nin this series, my friend, and it's far from being over. Very\nfar from being\n\nover. (Notices a car coming right towards Puddy, who's crossing\nthe street)\n\nWatch out!\n\nThe car stops just short of hitting Puddy. There's an old priest\nin the\n\npassenger seat.\n\nPUDDY\nHey, what are you doing?! Watch where\nyou're\n\ndriving, man! (He approaches the passenger side window) Don't\nmess with the\n\nDevils, buddy. We're number one, we beat anybody! We're the Devils!\nThe\n\nDevils!! Haaaa!!!\n\nPuddy runs away, leaving the old priest shaken.\n\nFATHER HERNANDEZ\nEl Diablo! Dios mio! El Diablo!!\n\nJerry and George are at the coffee shop.\n\nJERRY\n\"I'm hungry. Let's get something to\neat.\"\n\nGEORGE\nYup.\n\nJERRY\nBig matzoh ball.\n\nGEORGE\nHuge matzoh ball.\n\nJERRY\nThose damn 'I love you' returns.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, it's all over. I slipped up.\n\nJERRY\nOh, you don't know.\n\nGEORGE\nYou have any idea how fast these things\ndeteriorate when there's an 'I\n\nlove you' out of the bag? You can't have a relationship where\none person says,\n\n\"I love you\", and the other says, \"I'm hungry. Let's get something\nto eat.\".\n\nJERRY\nUnless you're married.\n\nGEORGE\nI mean, now she thinks that I'm one\nof these guys that love her.\n\nNobody wants to be with somebody that loves them.\n\nJERRY\nNo, people hate that.\n\nGEORGE\nYou want to be with somebody that doesn't\nlike you.\n\nJERRY\nIdeally.\n\nGEORGE\nI am never saying 'I love you' again\nunless they say it first.\n\nWAITRESS\nMatzoh ball soup?\n\nGEORGE\nThat'd be me.\n\nJerry enters his apartment carrying a bag of groceries. As soon\nas Jerry closes\n\nthe door, we hear Kramer's door open and close. That moment,\nKramer walks in.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Jerry? You're a smart guy, right?\n\nJERRY\nNo question about it.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, you know I'm supposed to go\non this special tour today with\n\nGeorge's girlfriend.\n\nJERRY\nAt the zoo?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, but before I met up with her,\nI stopped to look at the monkeys,\n\nwhen all of a sudden I am hit in the face with a banana peel.\nI turn and look\n\nand there is this monkey really laughing it up. Then someone\ntells me that he\n\ndid it. Well, I pick up the banana peel and I wait for that monkey\nto turn\n\naround. And then I *whap* let him have it.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, you threw a banana peel at a\nmonkey?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, he started it!\n\nJERRY\nIt's a monkey, Kramer!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, he pushed my buttons, I couldn't\nhelp it, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I still think it's wrong.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, alright, fine. You take the\nmonkey's side, alright, go ahead.\n\nJERRY\nI'm not taking anyone's side.\n\nKRAMER\nCause I know what happened, Jerry. (remembering\nsomething\n\nand walking back in) Did you call Alec Berg and thank him for\nthe hockey\n\ntickets?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, Jerry, what are you waiting for?\n\nJERRY\nWhat do I gotta call him for? I thanked\nhim five times when he gave\n\nthem to me, how many time I gotta thank him?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, no no no, you gotta call him the\nnext day, it's common courtesy.\n\nJERRY\nNo, I don't believe in it. I'm taking\na stand against all this over\n\nthanking.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, good manners are the glue of\nsociety.\n\nJERRY\nHey, if I knew I had to give him eight\nmillion 'thank you's, I wouldn't\n\nhave taken the tickets in the first place.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, you know what this is gonna\ndo? He's gonna be upset because\n\nyou didn't call him and we're not gonna get those tickets for\nFriday night.\n\nJERRY\nAh, you're out of your mind.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, where you going?\n\nJERRY\nI gotta get a suit cleaned, I have a\nfuneral on Friday.\n\nKRAMER\nWho died?\n\nJERRY\nRemember the guy who pretended he had\ncancer so O would buy him the\n\ntoupee?\n\nKRAMER\nSo he actually had it?\n\nJERRY\nNo, car accident. He was trying to adjust\nhis toupee while he was\n\ndriving and he lost control of the car.\n\nRiverside Gramercy Chapel. Jerry and Elaine are at Gary Fogel's\nfuneral.\n\nELAINE\nThat poor priest. He was just visiting\nfrom El Salvador. Now he's\n\ngone completely loco.\n\nJERRY\nThe one Puddy screamed at in the car?\n\nELAINE\nYeah. He thinks he saw the devil. He\nwon't leave his room in the\n\nchurch basement.\n\nJERRY\nWell, that's what you get for getting\nmixed up with a face painter.\n\nELAINE\nI mean, what compels a seemingly normal\nhuman being to do something\n\nlike that?\n\nJERRY\nGotta support the team.\n\nSeveral women weep off camera. Elaine inspects her outfit.\n\nELAINE\nYou know I really hate my clothes.\n\nJERRY\nHm.\n\nELAINE\nI open up my closet, there's just nothing.\n\nJERRY\nHm.\n\nELAINE\nNothing. I hate everything I have, I\nreally hate it. (The weeping\n\nincreases in volume and intensity) I mean, at this point, it's\nlike I can wear\n\nsomething three or four times and that's it.\n\nJERRY\nHm.\n\nELAINE\nIt's getting to be a terrible problem\nfor me.\n\nJerry (noticing Alec Berg walk in, whispers) Hey, Alec!\n\nAlec barely acknowledges the greeting and takes a seat.\n\nJERRY\nDid you see that? What kind of a 'hello'\nwas that?\n\nKramer is in the office at the zoo.\n\nMR. PLESS\nAh, Mr. Kramer?\n\nKRAMER\nYes.\n\nMR. PLESS\nThanks for coming.\n\nKRAMER\nSo, uh, what did you want to see me\nabout?\n\nMR. PLESS\nWell, Mr. Kramer, to get right to it,\nwe're having a bit of a\n\nproblem with Barry.\n\nKRAMER\nBarry?\n\nMR. PLESS\nThe chimpanzee.\n\nKRAMER\nOh. Well, uh, what's the problem?\n\nMR. PLESS\nWell, he's not functioning the way he\nnormally does. He seems\n\ndepressed. He's lost his appetite. He's even curtailed his autoerotic\n\nactivities. And we think this is directly related to the altercation\nhe had\n\nwith you the other day.\n\nKRAMER\nSo, so what do you want me to do?\n\nMR. PLESS\nWell, frankly we'd like you to apologize.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well he started it.\n\nMR. PLESS\nMr. Kramer, he is an innocent primate.\n\nKRAMER\nSo am I. What about my feelings? Don't\nmy feelings count for\n\nanything? Oh, only the poor monkey's important. Everything has\nto be done for\n\nthe monkey! Look, I'm sorry. I--\n\nSIENA\nHey, that's ok. Well, I've gotta go\nfeed the marmosets.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know\n\nGeorge really likes you.\n\nMR. PLESS\nShe doesn't hear too well out of her\nleft ear.\n\nKRAMER\nOh.\n\nJerry and George are at Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nI mean, do you think it's possible that\nhe's mad at me because he didn't\n\nget the day-after 'thank you'?\n\nGEORGE\nWait a minute, you were at a funeral,\nright?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, people never give a good 'hello'\nat a funeral. I mean, they go\n\nlike this (George gives an extremely understated nod) That's\nthe biggest.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, yeah, that's kinda what he gave\nme.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, they can't go, \"Hey! You look fabulous!\"\n\nKramer enters.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nHey. Well, I just spoke to your girlfriend.\n\nGEORGE\nGirlfriend, yeah, right.\n\nKRAMER\nAnyway, she asked me to apologize to\nBarry.\n\nGEORGE\nBarry?\n\nKRAMER\nThe monkey.\n\nJERRY\nWell?\n\nKRAMER\nNothing doing. Jerry, I didn't do anything.\nIt's the monkey that\n\nshould be apologizing to me.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I don't think that's gonna happen.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I'm sorry. Well, George, I tried\nto put the good word in for you\n\nwith Siena, but I don't think she heard me. You know, left ear?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, her boss told me that she can't\nhear very well out of her left\n\near. What, you didn't know that?\n\nGEORGE\nOh my god.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nShe probably never heard it. Don't you\nsee what this means? It's like\n\nthe whole thing never happened. It's like when Superman reversed\nthe rotation\n\nof the earth to save Lois Lane!\n\nJERRY\nAre you gonna say it again?\n\nGEORGE\nThat's the question, Jimmy.\n\nJerry and George are still at Jerry's apartment, some time has\npassed.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm gonna do it.\n\nJERRY\nWhat? After what you just went through,\nI thought you said you'd never\n\nsay it again.\n\nGEORGE\nI'd like to say it once to someone that\ncan actually hear it!\n\nGeorge storms out of the apartment as Kramer enters.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat's going on?\n\nJERRY\nHe's gonna talk into her other ear.\n\nKRAMER\nOh. Well listen, I almost forgot to\nask you. What happened at the\n\nfuneral? Now, did you talk to Alec berg?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I saw him.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, so he's gonna give you the\nhockey tickets, huh?\n\nJERRY\nWell, not exactly.\n\nKRAMER\nHe's mad, isn't he? See, I knew it.\n\nJERRY\nI don't know if he's mad.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, so what happened when you saw\nhim?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I didn't really get a good 'hello',\nbut see, I was at a funeral.\n\nKRAMER\nUh huh.\n\nJERRY\nSee, so I don't know if I got a funeral\n'hello' or he was mad because he\n\ndidn't get his day-after 'thank you'.\n\nKRAMER\nSee, I told you, Jerry, I told you!\n\nJERRY\nLook, what do you want me to do?\n\nKRAMER\nI want you to get on this phone and\ngive him his 'thank you'!\n\nJERRY\nNo. No, I can't!\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, this is the way society functions.\nAren't you a part of\n\nsociety? Because if you don't want to be a part of society, Jerry,\nwhy don't\n\nyou just get in your car and move to the East Side!\n\nJERRY\nLook, we got five hours before the game.\nI am betting it was a funeral\n\n'hello'. He knows we're here, he knows the number, he knows we\nwant to go.\n\nThere's plenty of time for him to call and give us the tickets.\n\nKRAMER\nYou stubborn, stupid, silly man!\n\nElaine and Puddy are at Elaine's apartment.\n\nPUDDY\nHey, great dip. You made this?\n\nELAINE\nNo, it's from the store.\n\nPUDDY\nOh. Hey, how come people don't have\ndip for dinner? Why is it only a\n\nsnack, why can't it be a meal, you know? I don't understand stuff\nlike that.\n\nELAINE\nDavid? David, I think we aught to talk.\n\nPUDDY\nAlright, that's cool.\n\nELAINE\nDavid, I don't think we should see each\nother anymore.\n\nPUDDY\nYou gotta be kidding, how come?\n\nELAINE\nWell, you see, David, you're a face\npainter.\n\nPUDDY\nYeah, that's right.\n\nELAINE\nWell, it's not that I don't like you,\nbut, well to be perfectly honest,\n\nI'm just having some trouble getting past the face painting.\n\nPUDDY\nWell, alright, so you don't like the\nface painting, I just won't paint\n\nit anymore.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, but you like the face painting.\n\nPUDDY\nWell, I don't need to do it. It's not\nlike a habit or anything.\n\nELAINE\nOh. You mean you'd stop it for me?\n\nPUDDY\nYeah, that's right.\n\nELAINE\nThat's so, that's so sweet.\n\nPUDDY\nAh, c'mere. (They kiss) Alright, I gotta\ngo home and get changed before\n\nthe game. I'll be back, we'll make out.\n\nGeorge and Siena are making out in his car.\n\nGEORGE\nSiena, I love you.\n\nSIENA\nYeah, I know. I heard you the first\ntime.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Just confirming.\n\nJerry is sitting alone in his apartment waiting for Alec to call.\nThe phone\n\nrings, Jerry answers.\n\nJERRY\nHello? Oh, hi mom. No, listen, I was\nexpecting somebody else. I'm\n\nsorry, I can't talk now, I gotta keep the line clear, I'll call\nyou later. Yes,\n\nI know I have call waiting but I don't trust it in an emergency.\nGood bye.\n\nKramer is at the zoo, talking with Barry, the monkey.\n\nKRAMER\nAnyway, I um, I just want to say that\nI'm sorry. I lost my temper and\n\nI probably shouldn't have. I took it out on you and, look, if\nI've caused you\n\nany problems as a result of my behavior, well then, I'm sorry.\nI apologize.\n\nEven though, Barry, between me and you, we both know that you\nstarted it. I\n\nmean, who's kidding who? But they tell me that you're very upset,\nand god\n\nforbid I should disturb the very important monkey, I'm just hoping\nwe can put\n\nthis behind us, let's just move on with our lives, ok? So no\nhard feelings?\n\nKramer moves in for a handshake, Barry spits water all over his\njacket. Kramer\n\ngets defensive and Barry starts screaming and climbing the cage\nbars.\n\nElaine's apartment, Elaine and Puddy are making out. She unbuttons\nhis shirt\n\nand notices something peculiar.\n\nELAINE\nWhat is that?\n\nPUDDY\nThat's the letter 'D'.\n\nELAINE\nWhy is the letter 'D' painted on your\nchest?\n\nPUDDY\nWell, I'm going to the game tonight,\nand me and these five other guys\n\nare gonna take our shirts off and spell out 'Devils'.\n\nELAINE\nBut you said no more painting.\n\nPUDDY\nNo, I said no more face painting, and\nas you can see this is not my\n\nface.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, that's right.\n\nJerry is still waiting for the phone call. Kramer enters.\n\nKRAMER\nWell? Did he call?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, come on, Jerry! Come on, this is\nstupid! It's six o'clock! It's\n\nall over, just pick up the phone and thank him!\n\nJERRY\nAlright! (picks up the phone and dials)\nHello, Alec? Hi, it's Jerry\n\nSeinfeld. You know, you got a great 'John Houseman' name. Alec\nBerg. Did you\n\nhand in your assignment, Mr. Berg?\n\nALEC\nWhat can I do for you, Jerry?\n\nJERRY\nWell, Alec, the reason I called is I\njust wanted to thank you for the\n\ntickets from the other night.\n\nALEC\nI wish you'd called me earlier, I could\nhave given you my tickets for\n\ntonight.\n\nJERRY\nOh, you already gave them away?\n\nALEC\nYeah, but you know what? I have a friend,\nhe's got a couple of seats.\n\nIf you don't mind the nose bleed section, they're yours.\n\nJERRY\nNo, we don't care, we just want to go.\n\nALEC\nThere is one little catch, though.\n\nExterior shot of MSG marquee announcing the Rangers vs Devils\nplayoff game\n\ntonight. Cut to some on-ice action, then to the cheap seats where\nPuddy, Jerry\n\nand Kramer are seated, shirtless.\n\nPUDDY\nHey, great game, huh?\n\nThe Devils score a goal, Puddy stands up screaming and drags\nJerry and Kramer to\n\ntheir feet. Alongside Puddy's 'D', Jerry sports an 'E' on his\nchest, Kramer has\n\na 'V' on his, and three more shirtless guys bearing 'I',' L'\nand 'S' rise\n\nalongside them. All are cheering wildly, except for Jerry and\nKramer who stand\n\nsilent.\n\nThe El Salvadoran priest is in his bedroom, another priest is\nat his bedside.\n\nPRIEST\nFather Hernandez?\n\nFATHER HERNANDEZ\nHuh?\n\nPRIEST\nUna senora que te vino a ver. Ella dice\nque tiene informacion muy\n\nimportant information that could be helpful to you.\")\n\nFATHER HERNANDEZ\nBueno.\n\nPRIEST\nAl fini finalmente par\u00f3 el llover. (Subtitled:\n\"Finally it stopped\n\nraining.\")\n\nFATHER HERNANDEZ\nAha, bueno.\n\nThe priest shows Elaine into the room, she's wearing a white\nraincoat with a\n\nhood. As she approaches the bed, she's backlit by the sunlight\ncoming through\n\nthe window.\n\nELAINE\nHello father.\n\nFATHER HERNANDEZ\nOh. La Madonna! Madre de Christo! Yo\nestoy lista!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Engagement.html",
    "text": "THE ENGAGEMENT\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David\n\n(George's Apartment)\n\nGEORGE\nWell, you got no place to go. I'll tell\nyou what your problem is: You brought\nyour queen out too fast. What do you\nthink? She's one of these feminists\nlooking to get out of the house? No,\nthe queen is old fashioned. . Likes\nto stay home. Cook. Take care of her\nman. Make sure he feels good.\n\nLIZ\nCheckmate.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't think we should see each other\nany more.\n\n(At Elaine's. She's trying to get some rest.)\n(dogs barking)\n\nELAINE\nShut up! Shut up! You stupid mutt.\n\n(Monk's)\n\nJERRY\nAnd you broke up with her 'cuz she beat\nyou at chess? That's pretty sick.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't see how I could perform sexually\nin a situation after something like\nthat. I was completely emasculated.\nAnyway, it's not the only reason.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, what else?\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. You wanna know what one of\nher favorite expressions is? Happy,\nPappy?\n\nJERRY\nHappy, Pappy? What does that mean?\n\nGEORGE\nLike if she wants to know if I'm pleased\nwith something, she'll say, \"Happy,\nPappy?\"\n\nJERRY\nOh, you're \"Pappy\".\n\nGEORGE\nI'm \"Pappy\".\n\nJERRY\nOh, I get it. Why don't you just say\nit?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, come on. What, are you kidding?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm much more comfortable criticizing\npeople behind their backs. Anyway, look\nwho's talking. You just broke up with\nwith Melanie last week because she \"shuushed\nyou\" while you were watching TV.\n\nJERRY\nHey, I got a real thing about \"shushing\"!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat is this? Did you ever get the feeling\nlike you've had a haircut but you didn't\nhave one? I'm all itchy back here.\n\nJERRY\nAhh.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nWhat is this? What are we doing? What\nin god's name are we doing?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nOUR LIVES!! What kind of lives are these?\nWe're like children. We're not men.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, we're not. We're not men.\n\nJERRY\nWe come up with all these stupid reasons\nto break up with these women.\n\nGEORGE\nI know. I know. That's what I do. That's\nwhat I do.\n\nJERRY\nAre we going to be sitting here when\nwe're sixty like two idiots?\n\nGEORGE\nWe should be having dinner with our\nsons when we're sixty.\n\nJERRY\nWe're pathetic.. you know that?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, like I don't know that I'm pathetic.\n\nJERRY\nWhy can't I be normal?\n\nGEORGE\nYes. Me, too. I wanna be normal. Normal.\n\nJERRY\nIt would be nice to care about someone.\n\nGEORGE\nYes. Yes. Care. You know who I think\nabout a lot? Remember Susan? The one\nthat used to work for NBC?\n\nJERRY\nHmm. I thought she became a lesbian.\n\nGEORGE\nNo. It didn't take.\n\nJERRY\nOh.\n\nGEORGE\nDid I tell you I ran into her last week?\nHo-ho, she looked great.\n\nJERRY\nHmm.\n\nGEORGE\nYou thought she was good looking, right?\n\nJERRY\nSee, there you go again. What is the\ndifference what I think?\n\nGEORGE\nI was just curious.\n\nJERRY\nWell, this is it. I'm really gonna do\nsomething about my life, you know? You\nknow, I think I'm gonna call Melanie\nagain. So what if she shushed me.\n\nGEORGE\nI am really gonna make some changes.\n\nGEORGE\nYes. Changes.\n\nJERRY\nI'm serious about it.\n\nGEORGE\nThink I'M not?\n\nJERRY\nI'm not kidding.\n\nGEORGE\nMe too.\n\n(At Jerry's. He's on the phone)\n\nJERRY\nMelanie, you can shush me at every opportunity.\nOh, it was just an expression. All right,\nwell, that's very sweet of you. Okay,\nI'll call you later. All right, bye.\nHey!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nI had a very interesting lunch with\nGeorge Costanza today.\n\nKRAMER\nReally?\n\nJERRY\nWe were talking about our lives and\nwe both kind of realized we're kids.\nWe're not men.\n\nKRAMER\nSo, then you asked yourselves, \"Isn't\nthere something more to life?\"\n\nJERRY\nYes. We did.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well, let me clue you in on something.\nThere isn't.\n\nJERRY\nThere isn't?\n\nKRAMER\nAbsolutely not. I mean, what are you\nthinking about, Jerry? Marriage? Family?\n\nJERRY\nWell...\n\nKRAMER\nThey're prisons. Man made prisons. You're\ndoing time. You get up in the morning.\nShe's there. You go to sleep at night.\nShe's there. It's like you gotta ask\npermission to use the bathroom. Is it\nall right if I use the bathroom now?\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, and you can forget about watching\nTV while you're eating.\n\nJERRY\nI can?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah. You know why? Because it's\ndinner time. And you know what you do\nat dinner?\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nYou talk about your day. How was your\nday today? Did you have a good day today\nor a bad day today? Well, what kind\nof day was it? Well, I don't know. How\nabout you? How was your day?\n\nJERRY\nBoy.\n\nKRAMER\nIt's sad, Jerry. It's a sad state of\naffairs..\n\nJERRY\nI'm glad we had this talk.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, you have no idea.\n\n(Apiphany - on the pier)\n\nGEORGE\nLa-la-la...\n\n(Jerry's. Elaine pops in, she looks like something the cat just\ndragged in)\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nELAINE\nThree hours of sleep again last night..\nThree hours of sleep because of that\ndog.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat dog?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. What dog?\n\nELAINE\nThis dog in the courtyard across from\nmy bedroom window that never never stops\nbarking..\n\nKRAMER\nDon't...\n\nELAINE\nI lost my voice screaming at this thing.\nI can't sleep. I can't work. I mean,\nI just moved. I can't move again. What\nam I gonna do? What? What am I gonna\ndo?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, there is something you can do.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? Kramer:, I'll do anything.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, what if there should be an unfortunate\naccident?\n\nJERRY\nYou're going to rub out the dog?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no. Not me. I just happen to know\nsomeone who specializes in exactely\nthese kinds of sticky situations.\n\nELAINE\nUh-huh.\n\nJERRY\nWhat, you're considering this?\n\nKRAMER\nLook, just meet with him. ?????.\n\n(Newman's - dark and dangerous)\n\nELAINE\nI don't really know why I'm here. Kramer\ntalked me into coming up here. But,\nobviously, I could never really do anything.\n\nNEWMAN\nOf course. Obviously.\n\nELAINE\nUh, so, anyway, I'm sorry for wasting\nyour time.\n\nNEWMAN\nWhat kind of dog did you say it was?\n\nELAINE\nUm, I don't know. I've never really\nseen it.\n\nNEWMAN\nI see many dogs on my mail route. I'll\nbet there's not one type of mutt or\nmongrel I haven't run across.\n\nNEWMAN\nIf you ask me, they have no business\nliving amongst us. Vile, USELESS BEASTS\n...\n\nKRAMER\nNewman! Stop it!!\n\nNEWMAN\nAnyway.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. Well um, I was just curious if\nI were interested in availing myself\nof your services, um, what exactly would\nyou do?\n\nNEWMAN\nWell, Elaine, there's any number of\nthings I could do. But, I can promise\nyou this, though, this vicious beast\nwill never bother you again. So, what's\nit going to be?\n\nELAINE\nNo, I'm sorry. I can't hurt a dog. I\ncan't hurt a dog. I can't.\n\nKRAMER\nI got it. We'll kidnap him . and we'll\ndrop him off Upstate and this way he\nwon't bother you anymore and he won't\nget hurt.\n\nNEWMAN\nYeah, I suppose.\n\nKRAMER\nHuh?\n\nELAINE\nI'd have to think about it. I doubt\nit, though. I doubt it. I'll let you\nknow.\n\nNEWMAN\nOf course. Take your time. I'll be here.\n\nis still at the pier. His thoughts shift\nsomewhat.)\n\nGEORGE\nLa-la-la-la-la-la-la! (flashbacks to\nSusan)\n\n(Elaine's - makes phone call)\n\nELAINE\nAll right. Let's do it.\n\nNEWMAN\nExcellent. Excellent.\n\n(Restaurant)\n\nJERRY\nHow come you're eating your peas one\nat a time?\n\nMelanie I'm sorry.\n\n(Susan's)\n\nSUSAN\nWho is it?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's George:.\n\nSUSAN\nGeorge:? George:, what is it?\n\nGEORGE\nWill you marry me?\n\n(George is on the phone.)\n\nGEORGE\nMa, guess what!\n\nMRS. C\nOh, my god!\n\nGEORGE\nNo, it's nothing bad. I'm getting married.\n\nMRS. C\nYou're what?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm getting married?\n\nMRS. C\nOh, my god! You're getting married?\n\nGEORGE\nYes!\n\nMRS. C\nOh, I can't believe it. Frank, come\nhere.\n\nFRANK\nYou come here.\n\nMRS. C\nGeorgie's getting married.\n\nFRANK\nWhat?\n\nMRS. C\nGeorgie's getting married.\n\nFrank Get the hell out of here. He's getting married?\n\nMrs. C Yes.\n\nFrank To a woman?\n\nMRS. C\nOf course to a woman. What's she look\nlike?\n\nFRANK\nI'm sure she's pretty gorgeous.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat difference does it make what she\nlooks like?\n\nMRS. C\nIs she pretty?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, she's pretty. What difference does\nit make?\n\nMRS. C\nOh, I'm just curious.\n\nFRANK\nShe's not pretty?\n\nMRS. C\nLet me talk to her.\n\nGEORGE\nShe wants to talk to you.\n\nSUSAN\n: Uh, hello?\n\nMRS. C\nCongratulations!\n\nSUSAN\n: I just want you to know that I love\nyour son very much.\n\nMRS. C\nYou do?\n\nSUSAN\n: Yes.\n\nMrs. C Really?\n\nSUSAN\n: Yes.\n\nMRS. C\nMay I ask why?\n\nFrank Okay...\n\nMRS. C\nWill you stop. I'm on the telephone.\n\nFRANK\nCan I talk to her, please?\n\n(Outside Jer's and Cosmo's apt.)\n\nJERRY\nHey!\n\nKRAMER\nHey!\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you up to?\n\nKRAMER\nNothing.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's the rope for?\n\nKRAMER\nOh! Well, How do you like that. I got\nrope. Um, I gotta go.\n\nJERRY\nThe dog. You're getting the dog.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, Kramer:, where are you going?\n\nKRAMER\nOut.\n\nGEORGE\nDon't go. Kramer:! Come back. I got\ngreat news. Well, I did it.\n\nJERRY\nDid what?\n\nGEORGE\nI got engaged. I'm getting married.\nI asked Susan: to marry me. We're getting\nmarried this Christmas.\n\nJERRY\nYou're getting married?\n\nGEORGE\nYes!\n\nJERRY\nOh, my god!\n\nGEORGE\nI'm a man. Jerry:, I'm a man. And do\nyou know why? It's because of that talk\nwe had. You were my inspiration. Do\nyou believe it? You. That lunch was\nthe defining moment of my life.\n\nJERRY\nI'm blown away.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're blown?\n\nJERRY\nWow!\n\nGEORGE\nYou like that?\n\nJERRY\nAnd she said \"Yes\"?\n\nGEORGE\nIt took a couple of hours of convincing.\nI was just like those guys in the movies.\nAnd it worked! She said \"Yes\"! I can't\nbelieve my luck that she was still available\n. A beautiful woman like that. You think\nshe's good looking, right?\n\nJERRY\nYou're gonna have gorgeous kids.\n\nGEORGE\nYes. She's got great skin - a rosy glow..\n\nJERRY\nPinkish hue?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, she's got the hue. So, what's going\non with you and Melanie? I mean, I know\nyou're not getting married, but uh,\nthings are happening?\n\nJERRY\nWell...actually, we kind of broke up.\n\nGEORGE\nYou what?\n\nJERRY\nWell, you know, we were having dinner\nthe other night, and she's got this\nstrangest habit. She eats her peas one\nat a time. You've never seen anything\nlike it. It takes her an hour to finish\nthem. I mean, we've had dinner other\ntimes. I've seen her eat Corn Niblets.\n4But she scooped them.\n\nGEORGE\n... she scooped her niblets?\n\nJERRY\nYes. That's what was so vexing.\n\nGEORGE\nUh-huh. Uh-huh. What about the pact?\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat happened to the pact? We were both\ngonna change. We shook hands on a pact.\n9Did you not shake my hand on it uh?\n\nJERRY\nYou stuck your hand out, so I shook\nit. I don't know about a pact. Anyway,\nyou should be happy you're engaged.\nYou're getting married.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, it's not that. I just, you know,\nI thought that we were both uh...\n\nJERRY\nYou thought I was gonna get married?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, maybe not married, but...\n\nJERRY\nI mean, you love Susan:, right?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nYou want to spend the rest of your life\nwith her\n\nGEORGE\n... ... Yeah.\n\nJERRY\nSo?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. It doesn't make any difference.\n\nJERRY\nNo. So, we're still on to see uh, Firestorm\ntonight?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nI'll pick you up at your apartment.\nWe'll go to the Eight.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nHey, wait a second. Wait a second.!\nHow about some champagne?\n\nGEORGE\nChampagne?\n\nJERRY\nYes, come on! How often do you get engaged?\nCome on!\n\nGEORGE\nOkay! Alright!\n\nJERRY\nYou know what? No champagne... . I'll\nsee you later.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\n(Night outside)\n\nELAINE\nThat's it. That's it. Stop right here.\n\nNEWMAN\nAll right, give me the rope.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? What do you need a rope for?\n\nNEWMAN\nLook, I don't have time to explain every\nlittle thing to you.\n\nELAINE\nI don't know. Now, I'm thinking maybe\nwe shouldn't do this.\n\nNEWMAN\nI knew you'd back out.\n\nELAINE\nKramer:, are we doing a bad thing?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, Look at it this way. We drop the\ndog off in front of somebody's house\nin the country. They find it and adopt\nit. Now the dog is prancing in the fields.\nDancing and prancing. Fresh air. . Dandelions.\nWe're doing this dog a real favor.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. That's him.\n\nNEWMAN\nAll right. I'm going in. Keep the motor\nrunning.\n\n's.)\n\nJERRY\nReady?\n\nGEORGE\nUm, I don't uh, really think I can go.\n\nJERRY\nOh, how come?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I didn't really tell Susan: about\nit, and she doesn't really have anything\nelse to do.\n\nJERRY\nWell, she could come.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, she doesn't really want to see\nFirestorm.\n\nJERRY\nOh.\n\nGEORGE\nShe um, she wants to see The Muted Heart.\n\nJERRY\nOh, The Muted Heart. Glen Close. Sally\nField. Well, that should be good.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. see you later.\n\nJERRY\nHey, wait a second. You know, we could\nshare a cab. They're playing at the\nsame Cineplex.\n\nSUSAN\nGeorge, better get read\n\nGEORGE\nI am ready.\n\nSUSAN\nYou wearing that shirt?.\n\nGEORGE\nOkay, I guess I'll see you down there.\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nOkay.\n\n(In the van.)\n\nELAINE\nWhat time you got?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, no. I don't wear a watch.\n\nELAINE\nWhat do you do?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I tell time by the sun.\n\nELAINE\nHow close do you get?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I can guess within an hour.\n\nELAINE\nTsk. Well, I can guess within the hour,\nand I don't even have to look at the\nsun.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nWell, what about at night? What do you\ndo then?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, night's tougher but it's only\na couple of hours.\n\nNEWMAN\nLet's go. Let's go. Move!\n\nKRAMER\nYou got it?\n\nNEWMAN\nWhat do you think? Drive. Drive.\n\nELAINE\nWhere is it? Where is it? This? This\nis the dog?\n\nNEWMAN\nYep.\n\nELAINE\nBut he's so small.\n\nNEWMAN\nYeah, but he's a fighter.\n\nELAINE\nThat can't be the dog. Are you sure\nyou got the right one?\n\nNEWMAN\nLook, you said the one in the second\ncourtyard. He was in the second courtyard.\n\nELAINE\nHow could that be the dog?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, get him to bark.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. Yeah. I'll know if he barks.\n\nNEWMAN\nAll right. Bark.\n\nELAINE\nBark.\n\nNEWMAN\nBark.\n\n(At the theater)\n\nSUSAN\nDid you like it?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, it was very, very good.\n\nSUSAN\nOh, do you think he'll ever find her\nagain?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, I sure hope so.\n\nJERRY\nHow about when Harrison Ford jumped\nout of that plane, and he was shooting\nback at them as he was falling?\n\nFRIEND\nWhat about that underwater escape?\n\nJERRY\nOh, man!\n\n(In the van)\n\nKRAMER\nLet's turn the radio on. Maybe there's\na news report about it.\n\nNEWMAN\n???????\n\nELAINE\nYou think we're far enough.\n\nNEWMAN\nWe're practically to Monticello.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. This looks right. All right. Give\nme the dog. Okay, boy. This is it. This\nis your new home. Let go of my shirt.\nCome on. Let go of my shirt. This shirt\nis from Rudy's.\n\nJERRY\n's on the phone with his newly imprisoned\nbuddy, Georgie.\n\nGEORGE\nHello?\n\nJERRY\nHey, ??? is rerunning the Yankee game.\nYou watching this?\n\nGEORGE\nThey are?\n\nSUSAN\nGeorge:, you coming to bed? I'm taping\nmad About You.\n\nGEORGE\nUh, yeah, I'll be there in a minute.\n\nJERRY\nWhat was that?\n\nGEORGE\nUh, nothing. I got to go.\n\nJERRY\nOh, Mattingly just sinled .\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, it was really wrong of you\nto back out on that deal.\n\nJERRY\nI didn't make a deal. I just shook your\nhand.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, Well that's a deal where I come\nfrom.\n\nJERRY\nWe come from the same place.\n\nSUSAN\nGeorge:, I'm starting it.\n\nGEORGE\nI got to go.\n\n(At the pooch's pad. )\n\nLady Roxy! Where have you been? We've been worried sick about\nyou. What's this? Hmm. Rudy's.\n\n(Elaine's bedroom - dog barking)\n\nELAINE\nNo! No! It's impossible. It's impossible.\n\n's. )\n\nELAINE\nI don't know. I don't know how it happened.\nWe were practically in Monticello. I\nmean, how could that thing have found\nits way back? There's no way.\n\nJERRY\nVery strange.\n\nELAINE\nI know.\n\nJERRY\nSo, tell me anyway. Who was the BIG\nmastermind?\n\nELAINE\nOh, I can't Jerry:. 4I'm sworn to secrecy.\n\nJERRY\nAll right. But then I can't tell you\nthe BIG news.\n\nELAINE\nNews? What news?\n\nJERRY\nSorry!\n\nELAINE\nWhat? What?\n\nJERRY\nAll right, Elaine but this is beyond\nnews. This is like Pearl Harbor. Or\nthe Kennedy assassination. It's like\nnot even news. It's total shock.\n\nELAINE\nOh, come on, Jerry:. Please, please,\nplease, please, please!\n\nJERRY\nGeorge Costanza...\n\nELAINE\nYeah?\n\nJERRY\nIs getting married!\n\nELAINE\nGet out!\n\n(Outside kramer's apartmen)\n\nKRAMER\nHi.\n\nCOP\nYou Cosmo Kramer:?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, yes. Yeah.\n\nCOP\nYou recognize this piece of fabric?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah, that's...\n\nCOP\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nCOP\nYou're under arrest.\n\nKRAMER\nArrest?\n\nCOP\nI have a receipt for a rental car with\nyour signature. Including a report with\nsome damage to the rear seat. It seems\nthe spring was so compressed it completely\ncollapsed the right side..\n\nJERRY\nNewman: .\n\n's door)\n\nNEWMAN\nWhat took you so long?\n\n(back of a Cop car)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, what do you think they'll do to\nus?\n\nNEWMAN\nAh, don't worry about a thing. In twenty\nminutes that place'll be swarming with\nmailmen. We'll be back on the street\nby lunch.\n\nELAINE\nI gotta make some changes. I'm not a\nwoman. I'm a child. What kind of life\nis this?\n\n(in bed - MAY music)\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Postponement.html",
    "text": "THE POSTPONEMENT\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David\n\n(Jerry and Elaine are walking down the street and Kramer is parking\nhis car )\n\nELAINE\nHey, good news. My dog problem has been\nsolved.\n\nJERRY\nReally? What happened?\n\nELAINE\nWell, there's this rabbi in my building.\nYou've met him. Very nice man.\n\nJERRY\nIsn't he the one with the show on cable?\n\nELAINE\nYea, yeah, yeah,. So I spoke to him\nabout the dog. He went down. Talked\nto the owner. She agr4eed to keep the\ndog inside from now on.\n\nJERRY\nThat's great.\n\nELAINE\nI know.\n\n(Kramer crashing into parking spot)\n\nJERRY\nThat looks pretty good.\n\nELAINE\nHe's in.\n\nJERRY\nHey, say, you know, we haven't even\ndiscussed George's engagement yet.\n\nELAINE\nWhat's to discuss?\n\nJERRY\nCome on! George: is getting married!\n\nELAINE\nIs he happy?\n\nto sit with his bride-to-be.\n\nGEORGE\nI will never understand the bathrooms\nin this country. Why is it that the\ndoors on the stalls do not come all\nthe way down to the floor?\n\nSUSAN\nWell, maybe it's so you can see if there's\nsomeone in there.\n\nGEORGE\nIsn't that why we have locks on the\ndoors?\n\nSUSAN\nWell, as a backup system, in case the\nlock is broken, you can see if it's\ntaken.\n\nGEORGE\nA backup system? We're designing bathroom\ndoors with our legs exposed in anticipation\nof the locks not working? That's not\na system. That's a complete breakdown\nof the system.\n\nSUSAN\nCan we change the subject, please?\n\nGEORGE\nWhy? What's wrong with the subject?\nThis is a bad subject?\n\nSUSAN\nNo, fine. If you wanna keep talking\nabout it, we'll talk about it.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's not that I want to keep talking\nabout it? just think that the subject\nshould resolve itself based on its own\nmomentum.\n\nSUSAN\nWell, I didn't think that it had any\nmomentum.\n\nGEORGE\n(To himself) How am I gonna do this?\nI'm engaged to this woman? She doesn't\neven like me. Change the subject? Toilets\nwere the subject. We don't even share\nthe same interests.\n\n(Jerry's)\n\nJERRY\nYeah, he seems pretty happy.\n\nELAINE\nWell, that's all that counts, I guess.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's the matter?\n\nELAINE\nOh, nothin'.\n\nJERRY\nWell, you don't seem too enthused about\nthe whole thing.\n\nELAINE\nWell, what do you want me to do?\n\nJERRY\nWell, at least have some reaction to\nit.\n\nELAINE\nWell, I don't.\n\nJERRY\nMaybe you're a little jealous.\n\nELAINE\nOh, what? You think I wanna marry George:?\n\nJERRY\nNo! But maybe you wish it was you who\nwas getting married, not him.\n\nELAINE\nOh, please! That is the last thing that\nI want.\n\nJERRY\nOh, yeah. Right.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, right.\n\nJERRY\nLainy!\n\nELAINE\nJerry:!\n\nJERRY\nYou don't wanna get married?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, that's right. I don't wanna get\nmarried.\n\nJERRY\nOh, come on!\n\nELAINE\nOh, you come on.\n\nJERRY\nYou're such...\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nOh, hey!\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nElaine:, listen, I was talking to a\nfriend about this dog business. Do you\nrealize this is gonna be on our permanent\nrecords? Are you aware of this?\n\nELAINE\nOh, dear.\n\nKRAMER\nIt can never be erased. It'll follow\nus wherever we go for the rest of our\nlives. I'll never be able to get a job.\nI mean, doesn't that concern you? Everything\nI've worked for...down the drain because\nof one stupid mistake. I mean, aren't\nwe entitled to make one mistake in our\nlives, Jerry:?\n\nJERRY\nWe're gonna change the system.\n\nKRAMER\nYes!\n\nELAINE\nWell, I could care less. I hope it is\non our record. I'm just sorry they didn't\nlock me up.\n\n(Outside Elaine's place)\n\nELAINE\nOh, hello, Rabbi: Krischma.\n\nRABBI\nElaine:! Always a pleasure to see you.\n\nELAINE\nThanks again for taking care of that\ndog for us.\n\nRABBI\nElaine, often times in life there are\nproblems, and just as often there are\nsolutions.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I suppose.\n\nRABBI\nElaine, you don't seem yourself today.\nYou seem, if I may say, troubled.\n\nELAINE\nNo, Rabbi:, I'm not myself.\n\nRABBI\nCome upstairs. We'll have a talk.\n\nAT JERRY\n's apartment. George trots in after\nhis lunch with Kiki\n\nand Big Jer is kicking back with a paper.\n\nJERRY\nHey!\n\nGEORGE\nI want your honest opinion about something.\n\nJERRY\nHave I ever been less than forthright?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, you haven't. Well, maybe you have.\nWhat do I know.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I probably have. Yeah, of course\nI have. What am I talking about?\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. Okay, tell me what you think\nabout this idea: Extend the doors on\nthe toilet stalls at Yankee Stadium\nall the way to the floor.\n\nJERRY\nExtend the doors on the toilet stalls\nat Yankee Stadium to the floor ...door\ncomes down. Hides your feet. Yes. I\nlike it. I like it a lot.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's good, right?\n\nJERRY\nI think it's fantastic. I think it's\na fantastic idea.\n\nGEORGE\nYou do?\n\nJERRY\nYes, I do.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I told it to Susan: before, and\nshe didn't like it.\n\nJERRY\nHmm.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Not only that, this is what she\nsaid to me, \"Can we change the subject?\"\n\nJERRY\nSee, now that I don't care for.\n\nGEORGE\nRight. I mean, we're on a subject. Why\ndoes it have to be changed?\n\nJERRY\nIt should resolve of its own volition.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's exactly what I said, except I\nused the word \"momentum\".\n\nJERRY\nMomentum - same thing.\n\nGEORGE\nSame thing. My god, I'm getting married\nin December, do you know that?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I know.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I don't see how I'm gonna make\nDecember. I mean, I need a little more\ntime. I mean, look at me I'm a nervous\nwreck. My stomach aches. My neck is\nkilling me. I can't turn. Look. Look.\n\nJERRY\nYou're turning.\n\nGEORGE\nNah, it's not a good turn. December.\nDecember. Don't you think we should\nhave a little more time just to get\nto know each other a little.\n\nJERRY\nIf you need more time, you should have\nmore time.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, you think I could postpone it?\n\nJERRY\nSure you can. Why not?\n\nGEORGE\nThat's allowed? You're allowed to postpone\nit?\n\nJERRY\nI don't see why not.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, I could do that?\n\nJERRY\nSure, go ahead.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right! All right. I'll tell you\nwhat. How about this? Got the date;\nMarch 21st, the first day of spring.\n\nJERRY\nSpring. Of course.\n\nGEORGE\nHuh? You know? Spring. Rejuvenation.\nRebirth. Everything's blooming. All\nthat crap.\n\nJERRY\nBeautiful.\n\nGEORGE\nShe's not gonna like it.\n\nJERRY\nNo, she's not.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, I think I'm a little bit scared\nof her. She's five-three, like a hundred\npounds. I'm frightened to death of her.\n\nJERRY\nWell, she's a woman. They don't like\nto be disappointed.\n\nGEORGE\nEspecially her. She does not like disappointment.\nWell, I have to do it. I can't make\nDecember. There's no way I can make\nDecember. Right? I mean, you can see\nthat, right? I mean, look at me. Look.\nLook. Can I make December? I can't make\nDecember. Right? Look. Look.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, you'd better shoot for March.\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, hey.\n\nGEORGE\nMarch 21st. Hey! So, you're gonna back\nme on this, right?\n\nJERRY\nOh, all the way.\n\nGEORGE\nYou are a good friend. You know what?\nEven if you killed somebody I wouldn't\nturn you in.\n\nJERRY\nIs that so?\n\nJERRY\nHey, Kramer if I killed somebody would\nyou turn me in?\n\nKRAMER\nDefinitely.\n\nJERRY\nYou're kidding?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, I would turn you in.\n\nJERRY\nYou would turn me in?\n\nKRAMER\nPhwap, I wouldn't even think about it.\n\nJERRY\nI can't believe your a friend of mine.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat kind of person are you going around\nkilling people?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I am sure I had a good reason.\n\nKRAMER\nWell,, if you'll kill this person, who's\nto say I wouldn't be next?\n\nJERRY\nBut you know me!\n\nKRAMER\nI thought I DID!\n\n(Rabbi's apartment)\n\nELAINE\nI'm not a very religious person but\nI do feel as if I'm in need of some\nguidance here.\n\nRABBI\nWould you care for a snack of some kind?\nI have the Snackwells which are very\npopular but I think that sometimes with\nthe so called fat free cookies people\nmay overindulge forgetting they may\nbe high in calories\n\nELAINE\nThank you I am not very hungry. Anyway,\num, this friend of mine, George, got\nengaged .\n\nRABBI\nHow wonderful.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, yeah, well, for some reason, um,\nI just find myself just overcome with\nfeelings of jealousy and resentment.\n\nRABBI\nDoesn't it give you any joy to see your\nfriend enter into this holiest of unions?\n\nELAINE\nNo, no, no it doesn't. No joy no joy\nwhatsoever. Just the whole think makes\nme . . sick.\n\nRABBI\nYou know, Elaine, very often we cannot\nsee the forest for the trees.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I don't know what that means.\n\nRABBI\nWell, for example, say there's a forest,\n...\n\nELAINE\nYou see the thing is we It should have\nbeen me. You know, I'm smart. I'm attractive.\n\nRABBI\nYou know my temple has many single functions.\n\nELAINE\nNo, no, it's okay.\n\nRABBI\nMy nephew Alex is someone who is also\nlooking perhaps ...\n\nELAINE\nI don't think so.\n\nRABBI\nHe owns a flower store. Very successful.\n\n(Outside Coffee shop)\n\nJERRY\nSo you're nothing but a stoolie. Admit\nit.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, don't do the crime if you can't\ndo the time.\n\nJERRY\nAnother Caf\u00e9 Latte?\n\nKRAMER\nYou better believe it.\n\nKRAMER\nSince when are you so trendy?\n\nJERRY\nHey, baby. I set the trends. Who do\nyou think started this whole Caf\u00e9 Latte?\n\nJERRY\nI don't recall you drinking Caf\u00e9 Latte.\n\nKRAMER\nI've been drinking Caf\u00e9 Latte since\nthe fifth grade and I haven't looked\nback.\n\nJERRY\nHey, Planet 9 From Outer Space is playing\ntomorrow night. One show only.\n\nKRAMER\nI've always wanted to see this.\n\nJERRY\nYou know I was supposed to see this\nfive years ago. I was in a Chinese restaurant\nwith George and Elaine and got all screwed\nup trying to get a table and I missed\nit.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, yeah, lets do it uh?\n\nJERRY\nLook at this Jerry, dropping paper on\nthe ground. That's littering.\n\nJERRY\nMaybe you better call the cops and turn\nme in.\n\nKRAMER\nMaybe I will.\n\n(George's)\n\nGEORGE\nHi,\n\nSUSAN\nHow was your day?\n\nGEORGE\nGood, good day. How was your day?\n\nSUSAN\nMine was okay. So what's goin' on?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, nothin' much. I went over to jerry's,\nuh, talked to Jerry.\n\nSUSAN\nOh, the Lowers want to get together\nwith us on Friday night.\n\nGEORGE\nThe Lowers, really?\n\nSUSAN\nYou don't want to go?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I want to go.\n\nSUSAN\nSo what did Jerry have to say?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, nothin' much, ... talkin'...\n. Oh, oh, oh, did I have an unbelievable\nidea today!\n\nSUSAN\nOh, yeah, the toilets. You told me.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, ha ha, It's not the toilets, it's\nnot the toilets. It's something else.\nAre you ready for this?\n\nSUSAN\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nOkay, how about this? All right, we\nget married March 21st, the first day\nof Spring.\n\nSUSAN\nWhat do you mean? You want to postpone\nthe wedding?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no no it's not about postponing.\nI just think the first day of Spring\nis the perfect day to get married. You\nknow, Spring! Rejuvenation! Rebirth!\nEverything is blooming all the ...\n\nSUSAN\nIf you don't want to marry me, George,\njust say so. (crying) Say so.\n\nGEORGE\nStill marry, still marry.\n\nSUSAN\nYou don't love me.\n\nGEORGE\nSstill love. Still love.\n\nSUSAN\nMy parents told me you were too neurotic\nand that I was making a mistake.\n\nGEORGE\nNo no no, no mistake, no mistake. No,\nno, listen, we're going to get married\nover Christmas, I ...It doesn't make any\ndifference to me. It's fine. Really.\n\nSUSAN\nAre you sure?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, yeah, sure, Christmas. Snow. Santa.\nAll that stuff.\n\n(Monk's)\n\nJERRY\nLet me take a guess. She cried and you\ncaved.\n\nGEORGE\nHow did you know that?\n\nJERRY\nI live and breath my friend... . I\nlive and breath.\n\nGEORGE\nI got to tell you I felt terrible. I\nreally thought she was going to collapse\nand kill herself.\n\nJERRY\ntes, it's very difficult. Few men have\nthe constitution for it. That's why\nbreakups take two or three tries. You\ngotta build up your immunity.\n\nGEORGE\nYou see those tears streaming down you\ndon't know what to do. It was like she\nwas on fire and I was trying to put\nher out.\n\nJERRY\nWell, at least you probably had some,\nuh, pretty good make-up sex after.\n\nGEORGE\nI didn't have any sex.\n\nJERRY\nYou didn't have make-up sex? How could\nyou not have make-up sex? I mean that's\nthe best feature of the heavy relationship.\n\nGEORGE\nI didn't have make-up sex.\n\nJERRY\nIn your situation the only sex you're\ngoing to have better than make-up sex\nis if you're dent to prison and you\nhave a conjugal visit.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, conjugal visit sex. That is happening!\n\nWOMAN\n(crying)\n\nMAN\nI can tell you're very upset but I'm\nsorry I'm not goin'\n\nGEORGE\nDid you here that? I can't believe this\nhe's eating his sandwich.\n\nMAN\nAre you going to eat thoise fries?\n\nGEORGE\nThis is amazing. (George gets up to\nleave and shake's man's hand) Thank\nyou. Thank you very much... . I'm\ngoing back in! ... You'll feel better\n(to woman)\n\nJERRY\n... Poor bastard.\n\n(Outside Elaine's)\n\nJERRY\nGood evening, Rabbi.\n\nRABBI\nGood evening. And how does this evening\nfind you?\n\nJERRY\nWell, Rabbi, well.\n\nRABBI\nI trust you are here to see your friend,\nElaine.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, that's right.\n\nRABBI\nI hope she's feeling better.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you mean?\n\nRABBI\nShe didn't tell you?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nRABBI\nWell it seems the engagement of her\nffriend George has left her feeling\nbitter and hostile.\n\nJERRY\nis that so?\n\nRABBI\nYes, in fact she told me that she wishes\nshe was the one getting married.\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\nRABBI\nShe came off as pretty desperate.\n\nJERRY\nI didn't know any of this.\n\nRABBI\nApparently she doesn't think much of\nthis George fellow either. I recall\nthe word loser peppered throughout her\nconversation.\n\nJERRY\nHum, well it all comes as news to me.\n\n(George's apartment)\n\nG\n(enters) Hi.\n\nSUSAN\nHi, how was your day?\n\nGEORGE\nGood, good day. How was your day?\n\nSUSAN\nAh, it was okay. What's going on?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, nothing much. You know, I went over\nto Jerry's. Talked to Jerry. Um, could\nI talk to you for a minute?\n\nSUSAN\nYeah, sure.\n\nGEORGE\nYou see this is the thing... . (crying)\nI just feel ... mumble, cry, mumble,\n... I'm scared. You and I together,\n(cry)\n\nSUSAN\nGeorge, of course, of course it can\nwait until march if that is what you\nwant.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah?\n\nSUSAN\nOh, don't worry your head. Of course.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. (smiles behind her back)\n\n(Elaine's)\n\nELAINE\nI've got that magazine article for you.\n\nJERRY\nYou iknow I talked to the rabbi outside.\n\nELAINE\nAre you\n\nJERRY\nUnderstand you had a little talk with\nhim too.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, talked earlier.\n\nJERRY\nYes I know, I know.\n\nELAINE\n... What does that mean?\n\nJERRY\nNothing, nothing.\n\nELAINE\nHe didn't mention ...\n\nJERRY\nYes he did.\n\nELAINE\nHe told you about our conversation?\n\nJERRY\nWe had quite a little chat.\n\nELAINE\nHe told you about ...\n\nJERRY\nYes, about how you're very jealous of\nGeorge. How you wished it was you who\nwere getting married instead of him.\n\nELAINE\nHe told you all that? How could he?\n\nJERRY\nIt didn't take much prodding either,\nI must say.\n\nELAINE\nCan he do that?\n\nJERRY\nHe did it.\n\nELAINE\nBut he's a Rabbi! How can a Rabbi have\nsuch a big mouth?\n\nJERRY\nThat's what's so fascinating.\n\n(Movie line)\n\nJERRY\nYou better finish your little caf\u00e9 latte\nthere. They won't let you in with it.\n\nKRAMER\nWhy not?\n\nJERRY\nBecause they don't allow outside drinks\ninto the movie.\n\nKRAMER\nWell that's stupid\n\nJERRY\nThat's the rule.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, we'll just see if we can't get\naround that.\n\n(Kramer puts coffee cup into his pants)\n\n(Rabbi's apartment)\n\nRABBI\nOh, Elaine. Come in. Come in. So nice\nto see you again.\n\nE\nYeah...\n\nRABBI\nCan I offere you some Kasha Varnishkas?\n\nELAINE\nNo, no. Listen, Rabbi, I'd like to ask\nyou a question. Why, why did you tell\nmy friend Jerry what I talked to you\nabout?\n\nRABBI\nWas that a problem for you?\n\nELAINE\nOf course it was a problem for me. .\n. . You didn't, you didn't tell anyone\nelse about this, did you?\n\nRABBI\nWell, let's see? I seem to recall a\nconversation with Mrs. Winston in 1F.\n\nELAINE\nMrs. Winston?\n\nRABBI\nYes, we were waiting for our mail to\narrive and I happened to mention to\nher how you felt that it was never going\n\"to happen\" for you.\n\nELAINE\nWhat about Don Ramsey? You didn't mention\nanything to him did you?\n\nRABBI\nDon Ramsey?\n\nELAINE\nYou know that tall really good looking\nguy, he lives on the fifth floor.\n\nRABBI\nOh him! Well this morning I found myself\nin the elevator with him...\n\nELAINE\nmy god, you didn't.\n\n(Movie theatre)\n\nJERRY\nExcuse me, pardon me, excuse me\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yow, oow Ah!\n\nUSHER\nHey, hey, what's going on? What just\nhappened here?\n\nKRAMER\nNothing Nothing.\n\nUSHER\nWhatya got? One of those Caf\u00e9 Latte's\nin your shirt?\n\nKRAMER\nI don't have anything. Ask him.\n\n(Jerry makes a silent drink gesture)\n\nUSHER\nAll right, come on Coffee Boy, bring\nit out.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?!\n\nUSHER\nHere you go.\n\nKRAMER\nOw\n\n(Kramer leaves)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nEx; But the whole thing is a mess. He told everyone in the building.\nI met that cute guy on the fifth floor. I mean he could barely\nbring himself to nod.\n\nJERRY\nElaine, if I could say a word here about\nJewish people. That man in no way represents\nour ability to take in a nice piece\nof juicy gossip and keep it to ourselves.\n\nELAINE\nYou didn't say this to George, did you?\n\nJERRY\nNo, ... about how you wish it was\nYOU who was getting married instead\nof him? Feelings of resentment, hostility?\n\nELAINE\nYeah that! So, ...\n\n(George enters)\n\nGEORGE\nHey oh.\n\nELAINE\nGEORGIE! CONGRATULATIONS! Oh, my god.\nI haven't seen you since it happened.\nI'm so happy for you.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, thanks a lot.\n\nELAINE\nOh, come on. You really, really deserve\nit.\n\n(Gives George a kiss)\n\nGEORGE\nOh, deserve! I don't know if I deserve...I\nmean...\n\nELAINE\nAre you kidding? I have seen the changes\nin you the past couple of years. Man,\nyou have grown. You've matured.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I guess I'm getting older.\n\nELAINE\nOh! Well, I just think it's wonderful.\nHonestly! I've gotta run, but um, please,\nplease give my best to Susan.\n\nGeorge Yeah.\n\nElaine My most, just heartfelt congratulations.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Thanks. Hey, listen, if you ever\nget a date, maybe the four of us could\ngo out together sometime.\n\nELAINE\nYes! Yes, yes. Sure.\n\nGEORGE\nWait, as a matter of fact, wasn't there\nsome guy in your building that you said\nyou liked? He lived up on the fifth\nfloor or something.\n\nELAINE\nYes. Yes, yes. Yes.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah! Boy, she is something, isn't she?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, she's something else. Hey, so\nwhat happened? Did you hold your ground\nor...uh...\n\nGEORGE\nNope. I wept like a baby.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I started to tell her and then\nall of the sudden, for some reason,\nI just burst into tears.\n\nJERRY\nYou cried?\n\nGEORGE\nI bawled uncontrollably. I just poured\nmy guts out. And I'll tell you, Jerry,\nit was incredible. I never realized\nhow powerful these tears are. I could\nhave postponed it another five years\nif I wanted to.\n\nJERRY\nSorry about that movie-thing. I was\njoking around.\n\nKRAMER\nSorry? Are you kidding? You did me the\nbiggest favor of my life. I spoke to\na lawyer, we're suing for millions.\n\nJERRY\nSuing? What for?\n\nKRAMER\nThe coffee was too hot.\n\nJERRY\nIt's supposed to be hot.\n\nKRAMER\nNot THAT hot.\n\n(At George's home. He and Susan are in bed watching TV)\n\nRABBI\n(On TV) The prophet Isaah tells us without\nfriends our lives are empty and meaningless.\n\nGEORGE\nWait. Whoa! That's the Rabbi: from Elaine's\nbuilding. I just met this guy the other\nday.\n\nRABBI\nA young lady I know, let's call her\nElaine, happened to find herself overwhelmed\nwith feelings of resentment and hostility\nfor her friend, let's call him George:.\nShe felt that George was somewhat of\na loser and that she was the one who\ndeserved to be married first. She also\nhappened to mention to me that her friend\nhad wondered if going to a prostitute\nwhile you're engaged is considered cheating.\nHis feeling was they're never going\nto see each other again so what's the\ndifference. But that is a subject for\nanother sermon. Now, I'd like to close\nwith a psalm.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Maestro.html",
    "text": "THE MAESTRO\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David\n\n(Booth at Monk's Cafe)\n\nGEORGE\nAnd then I hear this rabbi on television,\nI mean imagine.\n\nELAINE\nI'm really sorry George, I, I, I wasn't\njealous of you. It was just the whole\nmarriage thing.\n\nGEORGE\nYa know, I was just a little surprised.\n\nJERRY\nWhy would anyone eat canned fruit? I\nmean can anybody answer that?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about all the loser stuff?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know where the rabbi got that.\nYa know I never said that. I said \"I've\nnever seen you looser\".\n\nJERRY\nI can see the can if you're in the army,\nbut fresh fruit it's available, it's\nthere, it's 2 aisles over.\n\nGEORGE\n(Gets up to leave) Well, scintillating\nas always.\n\nJERRY\nWhere you going?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm going shopping with Susan.\n\nELAINE\nWhat kind of shopping?\n\nGEORGE\nClothes shopping.\n\nELAINE\nWhere are you going?\n\nGEORGE\nRoss'.\n\nELAINE\nOh that's a nice store.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, it's her uncle's.\n\nJERRY\nDiscount?\n\nGEORGE\n(As he leaves) One would hope.\n\n(Jackie Child's Office)\n\n(Kramer is sitting across from Jackie)\n\nKRAMER\nSo ya know, my friend and I we were\ngoing to the movies and we stopped off\n\nand bought this cafe latte.\n\nJACKIE\n(Agreeing) Hm Hm. Oh what is that like\nItalian coffee?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah that's right.\n\nJACKIE\nHalf milk, half coffee?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nJACKIE\nHm Hm. You take a sip?\n\nKRAMER\nYes I did.\n\nJACKIE\nNow when you took a sip, did you notice\nit was hot? Were you able to sip\n\nit in your normal fashion?\n\nKRAMER\nNo I wasn't able to sip it in my normal\nfashion.\n\nJACKIE\nHm Hm. All right, all right. You take\nbig sips?\n\nKRAMER\nWell I think I take a normal sip.\n\nJACKIE\nO.K. You take normal sips. Nothing wrong\nwith that. Then what happened?\n\nKRAMER\nWell you know ahh, they don't allow\noutside drinks in the movie theater.\n\nSo I had to put it in my shirt and sneak it in.\n\nJACKIE\nYeah, see they like to sell their own\ncoffee.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, now is that going to be a problem?\n\nJACKIE\nYeah that's going to be a problem. It's\ngonna be a problem for them.\n\nThis a clear violation of your rights as a consumer. It's an\ninfringement on your\n\nconstitutional rights. It's outrageous, egregious, preposterous.\n\nKRAMER\nIt's definitely preposterous.\n\nJACKIE\nSo. Then what happened?\n\nKRAMER\nWell ahh. I was trying to get to my\nseat and I had to step over someone\nand\n\nI kind of got pushed and it spilled on me.\n\nJACKIE\nWas there a top on it?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nJACKIE\nNow did you put the top on or did they\nput the top on for you?\n\nKRAMER\nNo. They put the top on.\n\nJACKIE\nAnd they made the top. You didn't make\nthe top did you?\n\n(Kramer motions that he did not make the top)\n\nJACKIE\n(To secretary over intercom) Suzie.\nI want you to go down to Java World.\n\nGet me a cafe latte with a top. (To Kramer) We're gonna run some\ntest on that top.\n\nHave you been to the doctor?\n\nKRAMER\nAh No no, I haven't.\n\nJACKIE\n(To secretary over intercom) Suzie.\nCall Dr. Bison. Set up an appointment\n\nfor Mr. Kramer here. Tell him it's from me.\n\nKRAMER\nSo ah, what do you think Mr. Chiles.\n\nJACKIE\nJackie.\n\nKRAMER\nJackie. I mean, we have a chance?\n\nJACKIE\nDo we have a chance? You get me one\ncoffee drinker on that jury, you\n\ngonna walk outta there a rich man.\n\n(Ross' clothing store)\n\n(Susan is holding a bright red shirt up to George)\n\nGEORGE\nI don't like it, it's red. It it's too\nflashy.\n\nSUSAN\nWell you could use a little flash.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. Don't change me. Susan. Don't\nchange me. Ya know there are a lot\n\nof woman that would love to be in your position right now.\n\nSUSAN\nName one.\n\nMR ROSS\nSo, you find anything?\n\nSUSAN\nOh, he's impossible to shop for uncle\nNed.\n\nMR ROSS\nI'm going on vacation to Costa Rica.\nMaybe I'll see you in a couple of\n\nweeks.\n\nSUSAN\nO.K.\n\nSALESMAN\nExcuse me Mr Ross.\n\n(George notices the security guard standing near the front door)\n\nGEORGE\nSee now this I don't get.\n\nSUSAN\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nThe security guard.\n\nSUSAN\nWhat about him?\n\nGEORGE\nWhy does he have to stand?\n\nSUSAN\nBecause he's a security guard.\n\nGEORGE\nBut I mean look at him. He's gotta be\non his feet like that all day?\n\nThat's brutal. I think I'm gonna say something to your uncle.\n\nSUSAN\nGeorge, you just met him. Don't say\nanything to him.\n\nGEORGE\nAren't you concerned about the security\nguard?\n\nSUSAN\nNot really. (Walks away)\n\nGEORGE\n(Thinking to himself) She's not concerned\nabout the security guard. What\n\nkind of a person is this? I'm marrying a person who doesn't care\nthat this man\n\nhas to stand here 8 hours a day when he could easily be sitting.\n\nSUSAN\nAll right George. (She puts the red\nshirt up to him again) What do you\n\nthink?\n\n(Elaine and Jerry are in Jerry's apartment.)\n\nJERRY\nSo ah, what did you do last night?\n\nELAINE\nNothing.\n\nJERRY\nI know nothing, but what did you actually\ndo?\n\nELAINE\nLiterally nothing. I sat in a chair\nand I stared.\n\nJERRY\nWow. That really is nothing.\n\nELAINE\nI told ya.\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you all dressed up for?\n\nKRAMER\nOh I ah just came from a meeting with\nmy lawyer.\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah, how's that looking?\n\nKRAMER\nOh I'll tell you how it's looking. My\nlawyer Jackie says if there is one\n\ncoffee drinker on that jury, (in a very high voice) I'm gonna\nbe a rich man.\n\nELAINE\nThat's despicable. How does he know\nhow all coffee drinkers will vote?\n\nI'm a coffee drinker. If I was on that jury I wouldn't give you\na nickel Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well you wouldn't be on that jury.\nHe would have weeded you out.\n\nJERRY\nFrankly I'm surprised you're so litigious.\n\nKRAMER\nOh I can be quite litigious.\n\nELAINE\nWhat I mean who ever heard of this anyway?\nSuing a company because there\n\ncoffee is too hot? Coffee is supposed to be hot.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah but Jackie says the top was faulty.\n\nELAINE\n(Mocking) Jackie says the top was faulty.\n\n(Sounds of knocking in the background on Kramer's door)\n\nKRAMER\nHey Maestro!\n\nMAESTRO\nAh, Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm in here. How's it going.\n\nMAESTRO\nFine.\n\nJERRY\nHi Bob.\n\n(Kramer coughs purposely and motions toward maestro with his\nhead)\n\nJERRY\n(Apologetically) Oh, I'm sorry. Maestro.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, this is a surprise ha?\n\nMAESTRO\nI just wanted to drop off this Chinese\nbalm for your burns. It's supposed\n\nto be great stuff. It's all herbal.\n\nKRAMER\nOh Maestro, you, what are you doing?\nYou don't have to do this. Do you\n\nbelieve this Maestro?\n\nMAESTRO\nIt's nothing.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, ya know you haven't been around\nfor a while.\n\nMAESTRO\nOh yeah, I've been at my house in Tuscany.\n\nKRAMER\nOh Tuscany huh? Hear that Jerry? That's\nin Italy.\n\nJERRY\nI hear it's ah beautiful there.\n\nMAESTRO\nWell if you're thinking of getting a\nplace there don't bother. There's\n\nreally nothing available.\n\nJERRY\n(Surprised) Huh?\n\n(Elaine enters from bathroom)\n\nMAESTRO\n(Seeing Elaine) Oh!\n\nELAINE\nHello.\n\nMAESTRO\nWell Hello. And who might you be?\n\nELAINE\nI might be Elaine.\n\nJERRY\nThis is a, Bob Cobb.\n\nKRAMER\nMaestro.\n\nELAINE\nOh, Maestro.\n\nMAESTRO\nIt is my very great pleasure. (Kisses\nElaine's hand)\n\nELAINE\nEnchante.\n\nMAESTRO AND ELAINE\nWell I have to be going.\n\nELAINE\nJinx buy me a coke.\n\nMAESTRO\nOh. Love it when that happeneds.\n\nELAINE\nI know I know. That is so ahh ......\n\nMAESTRO\nCoincidental.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, thanks. O.K. Bye you guys.\n\nMAESTRO\nCiao.\n\n(Elaine and Maestro leave)\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah oh hey and a thanks for the\nbalm. Yeah.\n\n(Kramer shuts the door and stares at Jerry)\n\nKRAMER\nYou know you hurt the Maestro's feelings.\n\nJERRY\nOh what, because I didn't call him Maestro?\n\nKRAMER\nThat's right.\n\nJERRY\nYa know I feel a little funny calling\nsomebody Maestro.\n\nKRAMER\nWhy?\n\nJERRY\nBecause it's a stupid thing to be called.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry he's a conductor.\n\nJERRY\nOh conductor. He conducts the Policeman's\nBenevolent Association Orchestra.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, he's still a conductor.\n\nJERRY\nWell he sure worked pretty fast with\nElaine.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, you should see him do 'Flight of\nthe Bumble Bee'.\n\n(Kramer makes like a conductor and makes a classic Kramer sound)\n\n(Monks Cafe. George and Jerry are sitting across from each other)\n\nJERRY\nNew shirt?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. You like it.\n\nJERRY\nNo, not particularly.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy, the color?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nToo flashy?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, it's burning my retina. Susan\npicked that out for you right?\n\nGEORGE\n(Obviously lying) No.\n\nJERRY\n(Reaches for a menu) All right what's\nit going to be here.\n\nGEORGE\nLet me ask you something. When you go\ninto a store, does it bother you\n\nthat they make the security guard just stand there all day?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nSee, didn't bother Susan either. That's\nwhy I'm different. I can sense\n\nthe slightest human suffering.\n\nJERRY\nAre you sensing anything right now?\n\nGEORGE\nLet me just say this. It is inhumane\nto make a man stand on his feet, in\n\none spot for eight hours a day. Why shouldn't he have a chair?\n\nJERRY\nWell, what about criminal activity?\nHe's got to be alert.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, he can't jump out of the chair?\nHow long does that take?\n\nHere look at this. (he moves to the end of the booth) Here, watch.\n(stands up)\n\nCriminals. Boom. I'm up. (pretends he's shooting) Stop It! Stop\nIt! Stop It!\n\nJERRY\nMaybe they offered him a chair and he\nturned it down.\n\nGEORGE\nWould you get out of here. Who's gonna\nturn down a chair? I would be\n\nvery interested to know how he felt about all of this. Maybe\nI'll have a talk\n\nwith him.\n\nJERRY\nI know you will.\n\n(Kramer enters and sits next to Jerry)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, hey, hey, listen to this. Jackie\njust called.\n\nGEORGE\nWho?\n\nJERRY\nHis lawyer.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, Java World wants to settle.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I'm gonna be rich.\n\nJERRY\nWhy are they settling?\n\nKRAMER\nCause their afraid of bad publicity.\n\nJERRY\nAll this because you spilled coffee\non yourself?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah that's right.\n\nGEORGE\n(Very loud in the direction of a waiter)\nI'm gonna need a coffee here. Very hot!\nBoiling!\n\n(Restaurant. Maestro and Elaine are talking)\n\nMAESTRO\nAnd then about four years ago I was\non holiday in Tuscany.\n\nELAINE\nUh ha.\n\nMAESTRO\nAnd I fell in love with this house.\n\n(Waiter approaches)\n\nWAITER\nAre you ready to order?\n\nELAINE\nOh God. What are you getting Bob?\n\n(Maestro looks at Elaine with an annoyed look on his face)\n\nMAESTRO\nGood question. (to waiter) We'll need\na few minutes.\n\n(Maestro puts his head in his hand. He is visibly upset)\n\nMAESTRO\nYou know, I'm sorry but, I didn't mention\nit earlier but actually I\n\npreferred to be called Maestro.\n\nELAINE\nExcuse me?\n\nMAESTRO\nWell, ya know I am a conductor.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, so?\n\nMAESTRO\nOh I suppose it's O.K. for Leonard Burnstein\nto be called Maestro because\n\nhe conducted the New York Philharmonic. So he gets to be called\nMaestro and I don't.\n\nELAINE\nWell, I mean don't you think that he\nwas probably called Maestro while he\n\nwas conducting, not in social situations. I mean his friends\nprobably just called\n\nhim Lenny.\n\nMAESTRO\nI happen to know for a fact, that he\nwas called Maestro in social\n\nsituations. I once saw him at a bar and someone came up to him\nand said\n\n\"Hello Maestro, how about a beer\". O.K. So that's a fact.\n\nELAINE\nMaestro huh? O.K. (laughing)\n\n(Jerry's apartment. Jerry is at the refrigerator getting orange\njuice.)\n\n(Kramer enters frantically)\n\nKRAMER\nJerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry my burn is\ngone look.(shows Jerry the burn area).\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you mean?\n\nKRAMER\nWell I put that Chinese balm on that\nthe Maestro gave me. And look, it\n\nhealed it.\n\nJERRY\nSo?\n\nKRAMER\nSo? My lawsuit. I'm finished.\n\nJERRY\nI thought they wanted to settle.\n\nKRAMER\nWell what happens if they want to see\nit?\n\nJERRY\nThen you're in a lot of trouble.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah!!\n\n(Ross' clothing store. Guard is standing near entrance. George\nenters.)\n\nGEORGE\n(To guard) Tired?\n\nGUARD\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nHow come uh, no chair?\n\nGUARD\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nI, I couldn't help but notice that uh\nyou don't have a chair.\n\nGUARD\nI don't need a chair.\n\nGEORGE\nNo I didn't mean to imply that you did.\nYou're obviously a very well\n\nproportioned individual. I was just wondering, have they ever\noffered you a chair?\n\nGUARD\nNope.\n\nGEORGE\nWould you like a chair?\n\nGUARD\nI suppose if they gave me one I'd sit\ndown.\n\nGEORGE\nAh ha, Ah ha. You would, wouldn't you?\n\nGUARD\nObviously I'd rather sit than stand,\nif that's what your asking.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's exactly my point.\n\nGUARD\nWell who wouldn't?\n\nGEORGE\nCause I tell you, frankly, I would like\nto walk in hear one day and find\n\nyou sitting down. (Starts to walk out of the store) That would\ngive me a lot of\n\npleasure. Call me crazy.\n\n(Back seat of a cab. Jackie and Kramer)\n\nJACKIE\nYou put the balm on? Who told you to\nput the balm on? I didn't tell you\n\nto put the balm on. Why'd you put the balm on? You haven't even\nbeen to see the\n\ndoctor. If your gonna put a balm on, let a doctor put a balm\non.\n\nKRAMER\nI guess I screwed up huh Jackie?\n\nJACKIE\nYour damn right you screwed up. Where\nthe hell did you get that damm balm\n\nanyway?\n\nKRAMER\nThe Maestro.\n\nJACKIE\nThe who? What are you talking about\nMaestro?\n\nKRAMER\nMy friend he's a conductor.\n\nJACKIE\nOh oh oh, so a Maestro tells you to\nput a balm on and you do it?\n\nKRAMER\nWell my stomach was burning.\n\nJACKIE\nI tell you what this is. This is a public\nhumiliation.\n\nKRAMER\nWell I didn't know the balm was gonna\nwork.\n\nJACKIE\nDo you know what a balm is? Have you\never seen a balm? Didn't you read\n\nthe instructions?\n\nKRAMER\nWell I ...\n\nJACKIE\n(interrupts) No one can tell what a\nbalm's gonna do. They're unpredictable.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm sorry Jackie.\n\nJACKIE\n(To cab driver) Pull over here driver\nthis is it.\n\nKRAMER\n(Motions with his head) Yeah, get over.\n\n(Elaine and Jerry walking on the sidewalk in NYC)\n\nJERRY\nDid you have a good time?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, he's very interesting. Did you\nknow that Mozart died while he was\n\nwriting 'The Requiem'.\n\nJERRY\n(Sarcastically) Yeah, everyone knows\nthat, it was in Amadeus.\n\nELAINE\nReally?\n\nJERRY\nSo what about the \"Maestro\" stuff. Did\nhe make you call him Maestro.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I called him Maestro.\n\nJERRY\nYou didn't mind?\n\nELAINE\nWell, I did at first, but actually I\nkind of got used to it.\n\nJERRY\nO.K. from now on I want you to call\nme \"Jerry the Great\".\n\nELAINE\nI am not calling you \"Jerry the Great\".\n\nJERRY\nWhy not you call him Maestro.\n\nELAINE\nHe is a Maestro.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I'm great.\n\nELAINE\nSo you say.\n\nJERRY\nWhat about his house in Tuscany, he\nmention that?\n\nELAINE\nYeah. (bragging) I'm invited.\n\nJERRY\nYou know when I told him it was beautiful\nthere, out of the clear blue sky\n\nhe says there's nothing to rent. As if he doesn't want anyone\nelse there.\n\nELAINE\nWhy?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know. Maybe he's embarrassed\nby Americans.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, well maybe there aren't any houses\nto rent there.\n\nJERRY\nIn all of Tuscany? I wonder.\n\n(Office of a Java World building)\n\nMR STAR\nI say we offer him $50,000 that's it,\ntake it or leave it.\n\nMR BURNS\nHow do we know how severe the burns\nare? Why don't we have him\n\nexamined by a doctor.\n\nMS. JORDAN\nListen, the faster we dispose of this\nthe better. This thing gets into\n\nthe paper it will kill us.\n\nMR STAR\nAll right, we'll start at 50,000 and\nfree coffee at all of our stores.\n\n(Secretary beeps)\n\nMR STAR\n(Answering secretary) Yes?\n\n(Heard over the speaker)\n\nSECRETARY\nMr. Chiles and Mr. Kramer are here.\n\n(To intercom)\n\nMR STAR\nSend them in.\n\n(Mr. Star opens door to let Jackie and Kramer in)\n\nMR STAR\nGentleman.\n\n(Kramer and Jackie enter Mr. Star's office)\n\nMR STAR\nGentleman come in. Now we don't want\nto take up much of your time. Let's\n\nmake this short and sweet. We're prepared to offer you all the\nfree coffee you\n\nwant in any of our stores throughout North America and Europe,\nPlus..\n\nKRAMER\n(Interrupting) I'LL TAKE IT!!\n\n(Jackie and Kramer in the back of a cab)\n\nJACKIE\nI'll take it? Who told you to take it?\nDid I tell you to take it?\n\nKRAMER\nNo.\n\nJACKIE\nI know the Maestro didn't tell you to\ntake it, he wasn't there.\n\nKRAMER\nWell I thought we were lucky to get\nanything.\n\nJACKIE\nFree coffee?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nJACKIE\nI don't want free coffee. It's not hard\nto get coffee. I can get my own\n\ndamn coffee. I wanted to hear what came after that \"Plus\".\n\nKRAMER\nWell I didn't hear any Plus.\n\nJACKIE\n20 years practicing law I've never experienced\nanything like this.\n\n(Kramer spots a Java World)\n\nKRAMER\nLook, Java World. (To cabbie) Hey listen\nI'm gonna get out here. I'm\n\ngonna get myself a free cafe latte.\n\n(Kramer tramples over Jackie to get out of the cab)\n\n(Jerry and Elaine are walking down the street and hear music\napproaching)\n\nELAINE\nHey. Hi Maestro.\n\n(Maestro makes like a conductor waiving his hands. Elaine joins\nin to finish the song)\n\nMAESTRO\nBeethoven's 7th.\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nHey you know we were just talking about\nyou.\n\nMAESTRO\nOh yeah?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, ya know the other day how you\nmentioned that there were no houses\n\navailable in Tuscany?\n\nMAESTRO\nYou didn't find one, did you?\n\nJERRY\nNo. I'm not really looking.\n\nMAESTRO\nNor should you.\n\nJERRY\nSo are you telling me there's not one\nhouse to rent in all of Tuscany?\n\nMAESTRO\nThe houses are passed down from generation\nto generation, it's very hard.\n\nJERRY\nI can't get a sublet, a guest room,\na cot, nothing?\n\nMAESTRO\nIt's booked solid!\n\nELAINE\nIt's BOOKED Jerry!\n\nJERRY\nHow'd you get yours?\n\nMAESTRO\nGot lucky. Come on, Elaine, let's take\na ride, I was about to pop in some\n\nVerdi.\n\n(Elaine starts to sing in Italian. Maestro and Elaine drive away)\n\nJERRY\nMaybe I'll check out France.\n\n(George walks towards Jerry)\n\nJERRY\nHey George, do you believe this guy?\n\nGEORGE\nWho?\n\nJERRY\nBob Cobb.\n\nGEORGE\nBob Cobb?\n\nJERRY\nYou know, the Maestro.\n\nGEORGE\nOh I missed the Maestro?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, get this, he tells me there are\nno houses any where in Tuscany to rent.\n\nGEORGE\nHuh. Your renting a house in Tuscany?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nSo what do you care?\n\n(George walks away leaving Jerry standing there by himself)\n\n(Monk's cafe. George and Jerry are sitting at the booth)\n\nJERRY\nI just wish I could figure out if this\nguy is trying to keep me out of\n\nTuscany.\n\nGEORGE\nOf course he is. There's got to be houses\nfor rent in Tuscany. Do you\n\nknow how big Tuscany is?\n\nJERRY\nI have no idea.\n\nGEORGE\nIt it's huge. It's probably like North\nDakota.\n\nJERRY\nOh, no way it's that big.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's a big region.\n\nJERRY\nDo you know how big North Dakota is\nstupid?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know why I bother even talking\nto you.\n\nJERRY\nHey, no one's got a gun to your head.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right.\n\n(George and Jerry hold there arms up in a truce)\n\nGEORGE\nSo I spoke to the security guard.\n\nJERRY\nYeah and?\n\nGEORGE\nWell it's tough to get a good read but\nI think if I brought him a chair,\n\nhe'd sit.\n\nJERRY\nSo are you gonna get him a chair?\n\nGEORGE\nYup. It's really just a question of\nwhat kind. Thinking about a bar stool.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, that would give him some height,\nbe able to check things out. With a\n\nback or without.\n\nGEORGE\nOh I think I'd go for the back.\n\nJERRY\nSwivel?\n\nGEORGE\nI suppose he could swivel. Hey maybe\none of those director's chairs. What\n\ndo you think of those.\n\nJERRY\nI thinks it's kind of a pompous look.\nYou know my parents used to have a\n\nkitchen chair that would have been perfect.\n\nGEORGE\nYou mean one of those vinyl things?\n\nJERRY\nYes.\n\nGEORGE\nVinyl yeah, maybe.\n\nJERRY\nHow can I figure out if there's any\nplaces to rent in Tuscany? Wait a\n\nminute. Poppy's from Tuscany. I'm gonna go call him.\n\n(Jerry leaves the booth headed for the phone in the back of the\ncafe)\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, good luck. Hey I'll meet you outside.\n\n(In Maestro's car, he and Elaine are driving and singing Finiculi,\nFinicula)\n\n(On the street in the city, George and Jerry are talking)\n\nJERRY\nPoppy told me to talk to his cousin,\nhe lives down in Little Italy.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat do you think about a rocking chair?\n\n(Camera shifts to inside a Java World and Kramer is exiting at\nthe door)\n\nKRAMER\n(Speaking very fast and fidgety) You\ncan't put a limit on my cafe lattes,\n\nit says so right here. And I don't want to get dirty looks when\nI come in here.\n\nIf I want a cafe latte, you give me a cafe latte. And if I have\nany problems I'm\n\ngonna get my lawyer Jackie Chiles down here and your gonna be\nin really big trouble.\n\n(Kramer exits and runs into Jerry and George)\n\nJERRY\nHey hey hey, slow down Eddie. What what's\nthe matter?\n\nKRAMER\nAwe there making faces at me cause I've\nhad a couple of cafe lattes. But I'm\n\nentitled to them. I can have as many cafe lattes as I want, that\nwas the settlement.\n\nJERRY\nThat's it?\n\nKRAMER\nThat's it. What you want one George?\nI can get one for you. No problem.\n\nJerry, you want one? They're delicious. My pleasure.\n\nJERRY\nYou've got to stop it. Your your all\nhopped up on the caffein.\n\nKRAMER\nWell I feel like I'm talking fast but\nit's very hard to tell.\n\nJERRY\nYou're racing!\n\nKRAMER\nWell well I've got things to do. I'll\nsee you later. Bye.\n\n(Kramer walks extremely fast away from Jerry and George first\nputting the contract\n\ninto his jacket and then fixes his tie all while still walking\nextremely fast)\n\n(Dark room. Elaine and Maestro are kissing)\n\nELAINE\n(Passionately) Oh Bob! Bob!\n\n(Maestro is insulted and pulls away)\n\nELAINE\n(Correcting herself) Maestro!\n\n(Maestro begins kissing Elaine again)\n\n(Ross' clothing store. George carries in a rocking chair)\n\nCLERK\n(Noticing George with the rocking chair)\nExcuse me. Can I help you?\n\nGEOGE\nNope. Just a, giving a chair to the\nsecurity guard.\n\nCLERK\nDid Mr. Ross tell you to do this?\n\n(George motions for the clerk to approach him)\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's your name?\n\nCLERK\nEvan Fayne.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm engaged to Mr. Ross' niece. I'm\nprobably gonna be taking over this\n\nwhole place someday so if I were you I would stay on my good\nside.\n\nCLERK\nI'm terribly sorry, I didn't know.\n\nGEORGE\nInnocent mistake.\n\n(George gives the chair to the security guard)\n\nGEORGE\nWell, here you go. What do you think?\n\nGUARD\nMr. Ross says this is O.K.?\n\nGEORGE\nHey, I'm his nephew, all right? Don't\nworry about it. Go ahead. Check it out.\n\n(Guard sits in the chair)\n\nGUARD\nNot bad. Not bad at all.\n\n(Dark room in the back of an Italian restaurant.)\n\nJERRY\nAh, excuse me, I'm looking for a Mr.\nGiggio.\n\nGIGGIO\nSi, Si, imma Giggio.\n\nJERRY\nPoppy sent me to see you Mr. Giggio.\n\nGIGGIO\nSi, Si Poppy.\n\nJERRY\nUm, did he did he mention to you why\nI called?\n\nGIGGIO\nSi, the house in Tuscana.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, right, right. So is there anything\nthere to rent?\n\nGIGGIO\nSi. Two million lira. You give me the\ncheck.\n\nJERRY\nI didn't actually want to rent it.\n\nGIGGIO\nThe keys, here are the keys. You give\nme the check. Two million\n\nlira. Seventeen hundred Americana. Molto generoso.\n\n(A man approaches Mr. Giggio and whispers in his ear.)\n\nGIGGIO\n(To the man) Si, Si.\n\n(Jerry watches the man walk away and appears to be very frightened)\n\nJERRY\nSo see um, I didn't say that I wanted\nto rent it, I was just wondering if\n\nthere were houses there to rent.\n\nGIGGIO\nSi. (hods up the keys) Thissa one!.\nCapiche?\n\n(Ross' clothing store. The employees are being held up at gun\npoint. The\n\ncamera moves from the right to the left. There is a masked man\ntaking the money\n\nfrom the cash register. As the camera moves all the way to the\nleft of the store,\n\nyou see the security guard fast asleep in his new chair)\n\n(At the window of a house in Tuscany. Elaine and Maestro are\ntalking.\n\nThere is a lady singing in Italian in the background)\n\nELAINE\nIt's been a rough couple of weeks, ya\nknow I really needed to get away.\n\nMAESTRO\nI told you, it's paradise.\n\nELAINE\nYou're right Maestro.\n\n(The sound of a car horn is heard in the background. A cab driver\nis yelling\n\nin Italian. Elaine and Maestro go to the window on the other\nside of the room\n\nto see what is going on. We see the cab.)\n\nKRAMER\nCommon Jerry, this guy is crazy. Get\nout.\n\n(Jerry falls out of the back seat of the cab.)\n\nJERRY\nYou didn't have to push me.\n\nKRAMER\nI didn't push you. How much did you\npay that guy?\n\nJERRY\n75,000 lira.\n\nKRAMER\n75,000 lira? Are you out of your mind?\n\nJERRY\nKramer you don't under the conversion\nrate.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, conversion rate, oh.\n\nJERRY\nYou know I don't even know why I brought\nyou.\n\nKRAMER\nNobody put a gun to your head.\n\n(They look up and see the place)\n\nJERRY\nNot bad!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Wink.html",
    "text": "THE WINK\n\nWritten by\n\nTom Gammill & Max Pross\n\n(Elaine's bedroom - phone rings)\n\nELAINE\nHello.\n\nJAMES\nThis is your wake up service. It's 7:15.\n\nELAINE\nOh, god. OH, I could use a few more\nhours sleep.\n\nJAMES\nHot date last night?\n\nELAINE\nI wish.\n\nJAMES\nA woman with a sexy voice like yours\nits hard to believe you're waking up alone.\n\nELAINE\nReally? Thank you, wake up service\n... person.\n\nJAMES\nCall me James.\n\nELAINE\nOh, all right, James. He he he.\n\n(Monks)\n\nGEORGE\nYour wake up guy asked you out?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I've never seen him but I feel\nlike we have this weirdly intimate relationship.\nI mean, I'm lying in bed, I'm wearing\nmy nightie,\n\nJERRY\nI don't know. Blind date?\n\nELAINE\nWhat? You're going to go out with my\ncousin Holly. You've never met her.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, but I've seen pictures of her.\n\nELAINE\nAt least I've spoken to my guy. You're\ngoing out on a deaf date.\n\nJERRY\nI think I'd rather go out on a deaf\ndate than a blind date. The question\nis whether you'd rather date the blind\nor the deaf.\n\nELAINE\nAh...\n\nGEORGE\nNow you're off on a topic.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, I think, I would rather date\nthe deaf.\n\nELAINE\nUh hu.\n\nJERRY\nBecause I think the blind would probably\nbe a little messier around the house.\nAnd lets face it they're not going to\nget all the crumbs. I'd possibly be\nwalking around with a sponge.\n\nGEORGE\nYou see I disagree. I'd rather be dating\nthe blind. You know you could let the\nhouse go. You could let yourself go.\nA good looking blind woman doesn't even\nknow you're not good enough for her.\n\nELAINE\nI think she'd figure it out.\n\n(waitress places plates on the table)\n\nELAINE\nWhat? What is this?\n\nJERRY\nVeggie sandwich and a grapefruit.\n\nELAINE\nVeggie sandwich and a grapefruit? What\nare you turning into?\n\nJERRY\nA healthy person.\n\nGEORGE\n(rubbing his eye) Ow, Ow you squirted\nme.\n\nJERRY\nOh, sorry\n\nGEORGE\nBoy, it stings.\n\n(Yankee Stadium)\n\nWILHELM\nGeorge, have you seen Morgan?\n\nGEORGE\nNo.\n\nWILHELM\nHe's been coming in late all week. Is\nthere something wrong?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, not that I know of. (winks)\n\nWILHELM\nReally? Make sure he signs this. Oh,\nlook George, if there's a problem with\nMorgan you can tell me.\n\nGEORGE\nMorgan? No. He's doing a great job.\n(winks)\n\nWILHELM\nI understand.\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nJERRY\nI still can't believe, you're going\nout on a blind date.\n\nELAINE\nI'm not worried. It sounds like he's\nreally good looking.\n\nJERRY\nYou're going by sound? What are we?\nWhales?\n\nELAINE\nI think I can tell.\n\nJERRY\nElaine, what percentage of people would\nyou say are good looking?\n\nELAINE\nTwenty-five percent.\n\nJERRY\nTwenty-five percent, you say? No way!\nIt's like 4 to 6 percent. It's a twenty\nto one shot.\n\nELAINE\nYou're way off.\n\nJERRY\nWay off? Have you been to the motor\nvehicle bureau? It's like a leper colony\ndown there.\n\nELAINE\nSo what you are saying is that 90 to\n95 percent of the population is undateable?\n\nJERRY\nUNDATEABLE!\n\nELAINE\nThen how are all these people getting\ntogether?\n\nJERRY\nAlcohol.\n\nELAINE\n(to George who is winking) What is your\nproblem?\n\nGEORGE\nNo problem here.\n\nELAINE\nYou keep winking at me. That's really\nobnoxious.\n\nGEORGE\nI had no idea.\n\nELAINE\nRight there. Right there. You just did\nit again.\n\nGEORGE\nWait a minute. Wait a minute. It's from\nthat grapefruit that Jerry squirted\nat me.\n\nELAINE\nYou're eye still hurts?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, yeah. You must have squirted a\npiece of pulp in it too.\n\nJERRY\nPulp couldn't make it across the table.\n\nGEORGE\nPulp can move, Baby! Why didn't you\neat a real breakfast?\n\nJERRY\nHey, I eat healthy. If I have to take\nout an eye, that's the breaks.\n\nGEORGE\nWait a minute. I must have been winking\ndown at the office. That's why Mr. Wilhelm\nwas acting so mysteriouso.\n\nELAINE\nWhat did he think, you were flirtin'\nwith him?\n\nGEORGE\nHu, oh. No he thought I was hiding something\nfrom him about Morgan.\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nHi guys.\n\nJERRY\nHi,\n\nKRAMER\nHello Archie, Veronica, Mr. Weatherbee.\n... Is this Don Matingly's signature?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\nAnd Buck Showalter's?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's an inter-office envelope. It get\npassed around all over the office.\n\nKRAMER\nUm, can I show this to my buddy Stubbs\n. He runs a sports memorabilia store.\nHe pays top dollar for pro autographs.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, like I'm going to risk my job\nwith the New York Yankees to make a\nfew extra bucks. (winks)\n\nKRAMER\nNo, of course not. (winks back)\n\n(Sports Memorabilia Shop)\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, you see Don Matingly signed\nthis envelope then he sent it to room\n318, where it was received and signed\nfor by manager Buck Showalter.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nI don't know. An envelope doesn't really\ncut it.\n\nKRAMER\nWhy?\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nWhat is this? A birthday card. Ha ha\n... signed by the ENTIRE Yankee organization!\n... This could be worth something.\n\n(Yankee Stadium)\n\nGEORGE\nIs that the lovely Mrs. Morgan?\n\nMM\nHello.\n\nMORGAN\nOh, by the way, have you got that birthday\ncard?\n\nGEORGE\nBirthday card?\n\nMORGAN\nMr. Steinbrenner's birthday card. Wilhem\nsaid you had it for me to sign.\n\nGEORGE\nOh ah, I uh, will have that for you\nby after lunch.\n\nMORGAN\nFine. I'll be back after my massage.\n\nGEORGE\nOf course. Your massage. (winks) Enjoy\nyour massage. (winks)\n\n(Monk's - Elaine sitting alone)\n\nELAINE\nHello.\n\nJAMES\nElaine?\n\nELAINE\nJames! Ah, ha, Hello! Phew!\n\n(Old Homestead Steak House)\n\nHOLLY\nI can't believe you've never taken anybody\nhere before.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I'm not really that much of a\nmeat eater.\n\nHOLLY\n... You don't eat meat? Are you one\nof those...\n\nJERRY\nWell, no, I'm not one of those.\n\nHOLLY\nWhen we were little girls Grandma Memma\nwould take us to a matinee and then\ndinner here.\n\nJERRY\nGrandma Memma?\n\nHOLLY\nElaine must have mentioned Grandma Memma.\n\nJERRY\nNo, I think I would have remembered\nMemma.\n\nHOLLY\nOh well, that's typical. Elaine never\nliked Grandma Memma.\n\nWAITER\nReady?\n\nHOLLY\nI'll have the porterhouse medium rare,\nbaked potato with sour cream,\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you recommend besides the steak?\n\nWAITER\nThe lamb chops are good.\n\nJERRY\nAnything lighter? How do you prepare\nthe chicken?\n\nWAITER\nIt's a full bird. Stuffed with ham,\ntopped with gorganzola.\n\nJERRY\nYou know what? I think I'll just have\nthe salad.\n\nWAITER\n... Thank you.\n\nJERRY\n(mind's voice) Just a salad? Just a\nsalad? Just a salad?\n\n(Outside of Monk's - James unties his dogs)\n\nJAMES\nHey you, hey you.\n\nELAINE\nOh, uh, ha, you've got dogs?\n\nJAMES\nYeah, you know, when you live alone,\nyou're dogs are all you have. Do you\nlike dogs?\n\nELAINE\n(mind's voice from - ... ) SHUT UP! YOU\nSTUPID LITTLE MUT!\n\nELAINE\nDogs. Oh I love dogs.\n\nJAMES\nBoys, this is Elaine... . Sorry, they're\nusually very friendly. Hey!\n\n(Yankee Stadium)\n\nGEORGE\nHey, Mr. Morgan how was your massage?\n\nMORGAN\nI had to cancel it. For some reason\nmy wife got it into her head that it\nwas more than just a massage.\n\nGEORGE\nReally?\n\nMORGAN\nYeah, we had this big fight at lunch\nit looks like tonight I will be sleeping\non the couch.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, listen don't oversleep. You can't\nafford to be late again.\n\nMORGAN\nI know. Somebody around here has been\ngiving Wilhelm the impression that I\nhave been slacking off.\n\nGEORGE\nGeez, Hey you know something, you should\ntry my friend's wake up service. She\nswears by this thing.\n\nMORGAN\nCostanza, you may be my only friend\naround here. By the way, you got that\nbirthday card?\n\nGEORGE\nAh, not yet.\n\nMORGAN\nJust make sure Steinbrenner doesn't\nget it until I sign it.\n\nGEORGE\nYes sir!\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nELAINE\nI just don't understand it as soon as\nI met these dogs they started growling\nat me.\n\nJERRY\nMaybe his dogs heard about how you tried\nto kidnap that other dog. These muts\nlike to gossip. So have you talked too\nHolly?\n\nELAINE\nHuh huh.\n\nJERRY\nDid she mention anything about our lunch?\n\nELAINE\nUh, kind of.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you mean, \"kind of.\"?\n\nELAINE\nI mean, she thought it was kind of strange\nto just order a salad... . You know.\n... For a man.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you saying? ... Salad! What\nwas I thinking? Women don't respect\nsalad eaters.\n\nELAINE\nYou got that right.\n\nJERRY\nBut you're going over there for dinner\ntonight, right?\n\nELAINE\nUm uh.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is she making?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know. But I'm sure it had, .\n. . parents. Call her up. She won't\nmind if you come.\n\nJERRY\nOh, don't worry. I'll be there and I'll\nbe packing an artery.\n\n(Kramer's door - George knocks)\n\nKRAMER\nAh, Mr. Weatherbee.\n\nGEORGE\nYou got the Yankee envelope?\n\nKRAMER\nSure do.\n\nGEORGE\noh,\n\nKRAMER\nHere you go.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, he,\n\nKRAMER\nYou'll be pleased to see what's inside.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat is this?\n\nKRAMER\nYou're cut of the loot. Stubs gave me\n200 dollars for the autographed birthday\ncard that was inside.\n\nGEORGE\nWho told you to sell the card?\n\nKRAMER\nYou did.\n\nGEORGE\nNo I didn't!\n\nKRAMER\nNo, not in so many words but I believe\nwe had an understanding. (winks)\n\nGEORGE\nI was not winking you idiot. That was\nthe grapefruit. It's like acid. I need\nthat card back. It's Mr. Steinbrenner's.\nI was responsible.\n\nKRAMER\nWell Stubs has already sold it to some\nguy who's kid's in the hospital .\n\nGEORGE\nWell get it back! It's very important.\n(winks)\n\nKRAMER\nLook, do you want me to get it back\nor not?\n\nGEORGE\n(holds eyes wide open) Get it back!\n\n(Holly's apartment)\n\nELAINE\nSuch a lovely table setting. Oh, wear\ndid you get these napkins?\n\nHOLLY\nThey're grandma Memma's.\n\nELAINE\nOh, I don't remember them.\n\nHOLLY\nOh, you wouldn't. She only used them\non special occasions.\n\nELAINE\nSpecial occassions? It wasn't special\nwhen my family visited?\n\nHOLLY\nEverybody like mutton?\n\nJERRY\nUm, mutton! Hope you didn't cut the\nfat off.\n\n(Hospital room)\n\nKRAMER\nThat you Bobby?\n\nBOBBY\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I heard that you have a very uh,\nspecial birthday card .with all the\nYankee autographs on it.\n\nBOBBY\nSure do. Mister.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, that's it, yeah. Boy, Stubs sure\nwent to town with this thing huh? Yeah,\nwell, Bobby, uh, what if I told you\na very important person at the New York\nYankees needed this card back.\n\nBOBBY\nOh, no. I'd never part with this card\nfor anything in the world.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, uh, Bobby, uh, who's your favorite\nYankee.\n\nBOBBY\nPaul O'Neill.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right. What if I tell Paul O'Neill\nto hit a home run tomorrow, just for\nyou.\n\nBOBBY\nWould he? Paul O'Neill would do that?\n\nKRAMER\nFor you he would.\n\nBOBBY\nWould he hit two home runs?\n\nKRAMER\nTwo? Sure kid, yeah. But then you gotta\npromise you'll do something for me.\n\nBOBBY\nI know. Get out of this bed one day\nand walk again.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, that would be nice. But I really\njust need this card.\n\n(Holly's apartment)\n\nELAINE\nWhat about this candelabra?\n\nHOLLY\nYeah, that was grandma Memma's also.\nShe bought it on her trip to Europe\nin 1936. Jerry, I'm thrilled you like\nmy mutton. I was afrais you only ate\n... salad.\n\nJERRY\nHey, salad's got nothin' on this mutton.\n\nHOLLY\nThat is so funny. Did you just make\nthat up?\n\nJERRY\nI wish I could take credit for it. It's\nactually the line my butcher uses when\nwe're chewing the fat. How about that\nbeautiful desk over there? (hides meat\nin napkin in jacket)\n\nHOLLY\nThat was in Grandma's study.\n\nELAINE\nWhat did you do, ransack the place after\nshe died?\n\nJERRY\nThis is some FINE mutton.\n\nELAINE\nI'm getting out of here. Can I borrow\nyour jacket?\n\nJERRY\nUh, well, uh the thing is that ...\n(Jerry grabs jacket back)\n\nELAINE\nIt's cold out, and I didn't bring my\nown. Jerry! God forbid I should borrow\none from Holly. It might have belonged\nto grandma Memma. Thanks for mutton.\n\n(On the street - dogs following Elaine)\n\nELAINE\nDown boy, nice doggy . I'm a nice person.\nDon't believe what you hear.\n\n(Holly's)\n\nHOLLY\nWhere are the napkins?\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nHOLLY\nGrandma Memma's napkins. There's two\nmissing. Elaine took them didn't she?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know about that. Have you got\nany floss?\n\nHOLLY\nYou heard her. She coveted them. I bet\nshe took them just to spite me. She's\nprobably having a good laugh about it\nright now.\n\n(On the street dogs chasing Elaine)\n\nELAINE\nDown doggy . oh oh a a a a a\n\n(Jame's apartment)\n\nJERRY\nElaine, what are you doing in this neighborhood?\n\nELAINE\nDid you do with the dogs?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, they're in the kitchen... .\nokay, quite! What's going on?\n\nELAINE\nThese dogs were chasing me. And no cab\nwould stop and I had to get off the\nstreet. Then I remembered that you lived\nhere.\n\nJERRY\nWhy were dogs chasing you?\n\nELAINE\nThey just don't like me. It's a long\nstory. I can tell you one day but I\ncan't tell you right now.\n\nJERRY\nI would askk you to stay tonight but\nI only have the sofa bed and it's where\nI sleep.\n\nELAINE\nWe'll have to sleep head to toe.\n\nJERRY\nHead to toe?\n\nELAINE\nHead to toe.\n\n(The next morning at Jame's)\n\nELAINE\nHey, wake up. It's 8:30 you were supposed\nto walk me up at 7:15.\n\nJERRY\nI'm sorry I didn't get any sleep you\nkept kicking me in the face.\n\nELAINE\nYou're a wake up guy. Don't you have\ncalls to make?\n\nJERRY\nI'll make them later. Uh.\n\n(Mr. Morgan's - he's asleep on the couch)\n\n(Yankee Stadium - George's office)\n\nWILHELM\nHave you seen Morgan?\n\nGEORGE\nHe's not here?\n\nWILHELM\nNo, He's late.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's impossible. I got him a wake up\nservice.\n\nWILHELM\nNow, George, you don't have to cover\nfor him any more. He's going to be gone\nsoon and I'm going to recommend you\nfor his job.\n\nGEORGE\n... gone?\n\n(Monk's)\n\nJERRY\nIt sounds like all the winking got you\na promotion.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't want Morgan's job. He's got\na lot of work to do. Hey, Elaine, your\nfriend never woke up Mr. Morgan.\n\nELAINE\nNah, he was tired. He had some feet\nin his face. My cousin Holly is completely\ninsane. She keeps calling and accusing\nme of stealing her napkins.\n\nGEORGE\nNapkins?\n\nELAINE\nI mean, why? Why would I take her stupid\nnapkins.\n\nJERRY\nBecause they were in the pockets of\nmy jacket.\n\nELAINE\nThey were?\n\nJERRY\nYes. I was using them to spit out the\nmutton.\n\nELAINE\nSpit it out? I had dogs chasing me for\nthat mutton. I was almost mauled because\nof that mutton.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat exactly is mutton?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know and I didn't want to find\nout. So where is my jacket?\n\nELAINE\nOh, I must have left it at Jame's\n\nJERRY\nYou spent the night at James's? Did\nwe?\n\nELAINE\nYeah but we reversed positions so there\nwas no funny business.\n\nJERRY\nReversed positions?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, you know, head to toe.\n\nJERRY\nSo what your genitals are still lined\nup.\n\nELAINE\nNo, because I slept with my back to\nhim.\n\n(long pause - no comment from the guys)\n\n(Yankee Stadium)\n\nKRAMER\nMr. O'Neill?\n\nO'NEILL\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, uh, look, you don't know me.\n\nO'NEILL\nI can give you an autograph there, but\nmy pen's kind of screwed up. You'd only\nlike half a \"P\" or something.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, it's uh, not that see,. It's about\na little boy in a hospital. I was wondering\nif you could do something to lift his\nspirits.\n\nO'NEILL\nSure, I could help you there.\n\nKRAMER\nSure, well I promised you would hit\nhim two home runs.\n\nO'NEILL\nSay what?\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, Klick!. A couple of dingers.\n\nO'NEILL\nYou promised a kid in the hospital that\nI would hit two home runs?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well, no good?\n\nO'NEILL\nYeah. That's no good. It's terrible.\nYou don't hit home runs like that. It's\nhard to hit home runs. And where the\nheck did you get two from?\n\nKRAMER\nTwo is better than one.\n\nO'NEILL\nThat, that's ridiculous. I'm not a home\nrun hitter.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, Babe Ruth did it.\n\nO'NEILL\nHe did not.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, do you say that Babe Ruth is a liar?\n\nO'NEILL\nI'm not calling him a liar but he was\nnot stupid enough to promise two.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, maybe I did overextend myself.\n\nO'NEILL\nHow the heck did you get in here anyway?\n\n(James's)\n\nJAMES\n(on phone) Oh, hi Elaine. You know I\nlost all of my 6:30 clients because\nof you... . Yeah, well why did you\nhave to stick your feet in my face?\n... Yes, I have the jacket. Hold on.\n... (to dogs) Fellas!\n\n(Hospital)\n\nTV\nThe Yankees take the field on a beautiful\nafternoon.\n\nKRAMER\nIt's hot in here. Hey, Bobby, can I\nhave some of your juice?\n\nBOBBY\nAfter Paul O'Neill hits his first home\nrun.\n\n(Jerry's)\n\nHOLLY\n(from buzzer) It's Holly.\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Come on up.\n\nTV\nAnd the two and one pitch to O'Neill.\nA towering shot back to deep right field\nand it's gone.\n\n(Hospital)\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nTV\nA home run for Paul O'Neill. The Yanks\nlead one nothing.\n\nKRAMER\nOH YEAH! ALL RIGHT!\n\nBOBBY\nOne more to go.\n\n(Jerry's)\n\n(Holly enters)\n\nJERRY\nHey. What's all this?\n\nHOLLY\nI decided I was going to make you dinner.\n\nJERRY\nI thought we were going out.\n\nHOLLY\nWell, after you scarfed up my mutton\nI had the irresistible urge to make\npork chops for you. I said hello to\nFranco for you.\n\nJERRY\nFranco?\n\nHOLLY\nYour butcher, down the street.\n\nJERRY\nI bet he acted aloof like he didn't\nknow me.\n\nHOLLY\nA little.\n\nJERRY\nThat is so Franco.\n\n(Hospital)\n\nTV\nBottom of the eighth, score tied at\none apiece. Two and one to Paul O'Neill.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know Bobby, it's very very hard\nto hit two home runs in one game. Even\nfor Paul O'Neill.\n\nKRAMER\nHe can do it, Mr. Kramer. I know he\ncan. He'll do it for me.\n\nTV\n\"Klick! Long fly ball into deep left\nfield over Bell's head ... O'Neill's\nrounding second O'Neill going for third,\nO'Neill rounding ...\n\nKRAMER\nCome on Come on!\n\nTV\n... third being waived in.\n\nKRAMER\nGO! GO!!\n\nTV\n... Martinez throws it over Alomar's\nhead. O'Neill is safe at home. And the\nYankees take the lead.\n\nKRAMER\nAn In The Park Home Run!\n\nBOBBY\nYeay!\n\nKRAMER\nAll Right! Yeah, well, I guess I'll\nbe on my way (grabs framed card)\n\nTV\nThat's being scored a triple for Paul\nO'Neill with a throwing error charged\nto Martinez.\n\nBOBBY\nHey, ...\n\nKRAMER\nHuh?\n\nBOBBY\n... that's not a home run. (grabs frame)\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, maybe not technically, but ...\n\nBOBBY\nYou said he'd hit two home runs.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, come on. Bobby, Bobby! That's just\nas good!\n\nBOBBY\nWell, you're not taking that card.\n\nKRAMER\nNow, Bobby, Bobby, we had a deal . .\n. gimme that ...\n\n(Jerry's)\n\nHOLLY\nSo, is the chop the way you like it?\n\nJERRY\nI usually like mine with an angioplasty.\n\n(stuffs meat in sofa)\n\n(Elaine enters)\n\nELAINE\nYou know something really stinks to\nhigh h... Holly! What are you doing here?\n\nJERRY\nWhat everyone does here. - Cooking pork\nchops.\n\nELAINE\nI'm uh, I'm meeting James here. He's\nbringing over your jacket.\n\nHOLLY\nWhat about the napkins?\n\nELAINE\nI didn't take your napkins.\n\nHOLLY\nThen who did?\n\nELAINE\nAsk Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nWe could argue all night over who took\nthe napkins. The point is in today's\nmodern world it just doesn't seem relevant.\n\n(George's office, Yankee Stadium)\n\nWILHELM\nI still want to know what happened to\nthat birthday card? Now, Morgan, did\nyou ever sign it?\n\nMORGAN\nNo sir, George never gave it to me.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, that's right, I didn't. I take full\nresponsibility for the card not being\nhere. I, uh, ...\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nHi,\n\nWILHELM\nWhat's this?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, it's a birthday card.\n\nKRAMER\n(to George) Oh, by the way, tomorrow\nnight, Paull O'Neill has to catch a\nfly ball in his hat.\n\nWILHELM\nGeorge, this is beautiful. Why didn't\nyou tell me you were going to have it\nmounted like this?\n\nKRAMER\nAnd you were probably just going to\nstick it in an envelope.\n\nWILHELM\nHa ha ha ha ha, George, keep up the\ngood work.\n\nMORGAN\nHa ha, uh, well you screwed me again,\nCostanza. How am I supposed to sign\nthe card now when it's already under\nglass?\n\n(Jerry's)\n\n(James enters with his dogs)\n\nELAINE\nUh, this is,...\n\nHOLLY\nExcuse me. What are those dogs wearing?\n\nJAMES\nOh, bandanas, aren't they cute?\n\nHOLLY\nYou gave Memma's napkins to some dogs?!\n\nJERRY\nHey, what happened to my jacket?\n\nJAMES\nOh, the dogs did that but it wasn't\ntheir fault, somebody stuffed some strange\nmeat in the pocket.\n\nHOLLY\nWas it mutton?\n\nJAMES\nCould have been.\n\nHOLLY\nDo you always stuff meat in your pocket?\n\n(Dogs climbing on sofa)\n\nJERRY\nUh, sometimes I use the sofa.\n\n(Steinbrenner's office)\n\n(George enters)\n\nGEORGE\nYou wanted to see me, Mr. Steinbrenner?\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nYes, George, please, come in, come in.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nThanks for the card. I loved it. Gosh\nit made me feel good. You know, word\nhas it that you were the brains behind\nthe whole thing.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, no, not just me, the whole organization.\nEspecially Mr. Morgan.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nMorgan, Morgan, you know his name is\nconspicuously absent from this card.\nAlmost like he went out of his way not\nto sign it.\n\nGEORGE\nOh no, Morgan is a good man sir.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nYou can stop kowtowing to Morgan. Congratulations,\nyou got his job.\n\nGEORGE\nWa, uh, thank you sir, you know I am\nnot quite sure I'm right for it.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nStop it George, he's out, you're in.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nA lot more work you know.\n\nGEORGE\nI know.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nA lot more responsibility. Long long\nhours.\n\nGEORGE\nI know.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nNot much more money. But you'll finally\nget the recognition you deserve.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's what I'm afraid of. You know\nMr. Steinbrenner, ...\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nYou know as painfull as it is I had\nto let a few people go over the years.\nYogi Berra, Lou Pinella, Bucky Dent,\nBilly Martin, Dallas Green, Dick Houser,\nBill Virdon, Billy Martin, Scott Marrow,\nBilly Martin, Bob Lemmon, Billy Martin,\nGene Michael, Buck Showalter, ... uh,\ntut!, ...George, you didn't hear that\nfrom me. (George exits) ... George!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Hot-Tub.html",
    "text": "THE HOT TUB\n\nWritten by\n\nGregg Kavet & Andy Robin\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nI always feel bad for the silver medal\nwinner in the Olympics. How do you live\nwith that the rest of your life? People\nare gonna keep asking - How much did\nyou lose by? I don't even know...! It\nwas like...(very fast) now.now...now.now..now..was\nlike, like... now..now..now...! It was\nit...! Eh, it was it and I lost. I trained,\nI worked out, I exercised, I did everything,\nI was doing push-ups, sit-ups, I never\ndid anything but exercise and work out\nfor 20 years, I flew half way around\nthe world and aaaaaaaaaah!...(showing\na tiny distance between his index and\nthumb) And that was...it was a photo-finish!\nSilver...(stretching his neck forward)...gold.\nIf I had a pimple, I would've won.\n\n(Monk's Restaurant - Jerry, George, Elaine)\n\nJERRY\n(to Elaine) I can't believe you write\nfor this J. Peterman catalog.\n\nJERRY\n(to George) Get this one - \"I packed\nmy rod and reel. 30 hours later, lost\nin the fiord, a welcoming smile. Thank\ngod she spotted the epaulettes on my\nNorwegian ice-fishing vest\".\n\nGEORGE\nThis catalog is all about how to score\nin a foreign country.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. What do you do all day?\n\nGEORGE\nNot that much.\n\nELAINE\nuh-uh.\n\nJERRY\nI thought that new promotion was supposed\nto be a lot more work.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, when the season starts. Right\nnow, I sit around pretending that I'm\nbusy.\n\nJERRY\nHow do you pull that off?\n\nGEORGE\nI always look annoyed. Yeah, when you\nlook annoyed all the time, people think\nthat you're busy. Think about it...\n(acts annoyed for 3 seconds).\n\nELAINE\nYeah, you do! He looks very busy!\n\nJERRY\nYeah, he looks busy! Yeah!\n\nGEORGE\nI know what I'm doin'. In fact Mr. Wilhelm\ngave me one of those little stress dolls.\nAll right. (gets up) Back to work. (acts\nannoyed and leaves)\n\nELAINE\n(laughs)\n\nJERRY\nSo did you come up with a little stupid\nstory for the Himalayan walking shoe\nyet?\n\nELAINE\nNo. I'm completely blocked! In fact,\nI'm gonna work on it tonight. Oh. Oh\nno! Oh, I can't! I got that marathon\nrunner coming in tonight.\n\nJERRY\nWhat marathon runner?\n\nELAINE\nYou know, this guy Jean-Paul, Jean-Paul...\nI met him when I was working at Pendant,\nediting a book on running...\n\nJERRY\nOh, wait! Jean-Paul, Jean-Paul! Isn't\nhe the guy who overslept at the Olympics\n4 years ago and missed the marathon?!\n\nELAINE\nYeah, that's him.\n\nJERRY\nHe's from uh...Trinidad and Tobago,\nright?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, he's Trinidadian and...Tobagan.\n(laughs)\n\nJERRY\nHow do you oversleep at the Olympics...?\n\nELAINE\nAh, I know. I know...!\n\nJERRY\nI mean, it's like the biggest event\nof your life! You'd think you'd have,\nlike, 6 alarm\n\nclocks, payin'-off little kids in the village to come banging\non your door...\n\nELAINE\nYeah, well, he was pretty devastated.\nThis is his first race in 3 years.\n\nJERRY\nAh...that's a big responsability on\nyour hands.\n\nELAINE\nWhat responsibility? I don't have any\nresponsibility.\n\nJERRY\nYou gotta wake him up!\n\nELAINE\nEh...he'll get up...\n\n(A woman passes by with a baby)\n\nELAINE\nHi, Judy.\n\nJUDY\nHi, Elaine. How are you?\n\nELAINE\nFine. (laughs)\n\n(woman leaves)\n\nJERRY\nI've seen her in your building.\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nI didn't know she was married.\n\nELAINE\n(whispering) She's not... and the guy\njust took off. (makes a sad face)\n\nDon't say anything to anybody.\n\nJERRY\nWhom I gonna tell?\n\nELAINE\nI know, it's just something you have\nto say...\n\n(George's office at the Yankee Stadium)\n\n(George is reading a newspaper when he hears a fly that lands\non his desk. He tries to kill it\n\nwith the paper but misses. Mr. Wilhelm comes in. George switches\nto annoyed-mode)\n\nWILHELM\nGeorge, we just got the final budget\nnumbers. We went over budget on some\nof the items,\n\nbut I don't think there's gonna be a problem. (hands over the\nbudget file to a very\n\nannoyed George) I'll let you get back to work, George. (Mr. Wilhelm\nleaves the office)\n\n(George hears the fly again. It lands on the wall and he starts\nbashing it with the file.\n\nMr. Wilhelm sees George hitting the wall with the budget file\nand shakes his head, worried)\n\n(Jerry's apartment - Jerry, George)\n\nJERRY\nHe overslept and missed the whole race.\nIsn't that amazing?\n\nGEORGE\nI'll tell you what happened. I bet he\ngot the AM/PM mixed-up.\n\nJERRY\nMy money's on the snooze. I bet he hit\nthe snooze for an extra 5 and it never\ncame back\n\non. (Kramer enters with a bucket and starts filling it with water\non the sink)\n\nImagine your whole life riding on an alarm clock.\n\nKRAMER\nAlarm clocks? I never use 'em. Don't\ntrust 'em.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you do?\n\nKRAMER\nI have a uh...mental alarm. I set my\nhead for... quarter to seven and...\n\n(makes sound with the lips - \"pop!\") ...I get up!\n\nJERRY\nAlways works?\n\nKRAMER\nIt never fails. See, it's based on your\nbody clock. See, your body has an internal\n\nmechanism. It knows what time it is.\n\nGEORGE\nuh-uh. What's with the bucket?\n\nKRAMER\nLomez, he sold me his hot tub.\n\nJERRY\nHot tub?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah yeah, it's in my living room. I\njust gotta fill it. (points to bucket)\n\nGEORGE\nYou put a hot tub... in your living\nroom?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, it's a beauty! It's got these high-volume\naqua-sage jets oscillating and pulsating,\n\nsoothing your every aching muscle. The water's gonna get over\n120 degrees! (happy)\n\nGEORGE\nIs that tolerable?\n\nKRAMER\nOh...it's tolerable...! (happy)\n\nJERRY\nIsn't that the same temperature the\ncoffee that scalded you?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I think it's a little cooler than\nthat... (smiles and leaves)\n\nGEORGE\nHe uh...doesn't have any running water?\n\nJERRY\nI don't ask those kind of questions\nanymore.\n\n(Monk's Restaurant - Jerry)\n\n(Elaine and Jean-Paul come in)\n\nELAINE\nJerry. Jerry, this is Jean-Paul.\n\nJERRY\nAh, hi Jean-Paul. Nice to meet you.\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nNice to meet you.\n\nJERRY\nSorry about the Olympics.\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nMe too. (disappointed)\n\nELAINE\nListen, listen I'm gonna go call work\nto see if I can get my deadline extended.\n\nI can't...come up with anything for this thing.\n\nJERRY\nAh...catalog writer's block?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, that's funny. (annoyed)\n\n(Elaine leaves)\n\nJERRY\n(pause) So what happened? The snooze\nalarm, wasn't it?\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nMan, it wasn't the snooze. Most people\nthink it was the snooze, but no, no\nsnooze.\n\nJERRY\nAM/PM.\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nMan, it wasn't the AM/PM. It was the\nvolume.\n\nJERRY\nAh...the volume.\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nYes, the volume. There was a separate\nknob for the radio alarm.\n\nJERRY\nAh, separate knob.\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nYes, separate knob. Why separate knob?!\nWhy separate knob?! (frustrated)\n\nJERRY\nSome people like to have the radio alarm\na little louder than the radio.\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nOh, please, man, please!\n\nJERRY\nDon't worry, it's not gonna happen again.\nNot if I have anything to say about\nit.\n\n(Elaine returns)\n\nJERRY\nElaine, what's the alarm clock situation\nin your house?\n\nELAINE\nJerry...\n\nJERRY\nIt's a simple question...\n\nELAINE\nI've got an alarm, ok?\n\nJERRY\nThat old one? Didn't I once miss a flight\nto Cleveland because of that alarm clock?\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nFlight to Cleveland?\n\nELAINE\nIt works.\n\nJERRY\nElaine...\n\nELAINE\nIt... works!\n\n(George's office at the Yankee Stadium)\n\n(George is doing the newspaper's crossword. The pen stops working.)\n\nGEORGE\nEh...come oooon...(starts stabbing the\npaper with the pen. Mr. Wilhelm comes\nin)\n\n(George switches to annoyed-mode again)\n\nWILHELM\nGeorge...I think you may be taking work\na little too seriously.\n\nGEORGE\nWell...I've got a lot to do!\n\nWILHELM\nGeorge, I'll tell you what I'd like\nyou to do. I, I'd like you to drop everything.\n\n(George acts annoyed)\n\nWILHELM\nI have this... fun little assignment\nI think you'll enjoy. There's some reps\nin from\n\nthe Houston Astros for talks on that interleague play... and\nI want you to show them a\n\ngood time.(George acts like \"ok, you're the boss\")\n\n(Jerry's apartment - Jerry)\n\n(Elaine comes in)\n\nELAINE\nHey. Sorry I'm late.\n\nJERRY\nYou're 40 minutes late. What happened?\n\nELAINE\nI got held up. Do you mind if I heat\nthis muffin up?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? (Elaine puts her muffin in the\nmicrowave and sets the timer) What is\nthe problem?\n\nJERRY\nWell, you said you were gonna be here\nat a certain time, and you weren't.\n\nELAINE\nuh-uh. uh-uh. And this all means uh...what?\n\nJERRY\nWell, means that a man has come from\nvery far away to compete in a very difficult\nrace,\n\nhe's put his faith in you, and frankly, I'm a little concerned!\n\nELAINE\nOh are you?!\n\nJERRY\nYes I am.\n\nELAINE\nHey, I'm not running in the marathon!\nHe is!\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I know that!\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I got enough to think about just\ntryin' to come up with some load o'crap\nfor that\n\nHimalayan walking shoe! I mean, I've given him a place to stay,\nI'll set an alarm, but\n\nI'm not gonna turn my life completely upside down for this guy!\n\nJERRY\nI'm not talking about upside down. (Jean-Paul\nand Kramer come in) I'm talking about\nwaking\n\nhim up!\n\nELAINE\nHey, Jean-Paul.\n\nJERRY\nHey, Jean-Paul. How was your soak? Was\na good soak?\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nAh, man, very good soak. The soak o'the\nyear!\n\nKRAMER\n(smelling) What's burning?\n\nELAINE\nOh! (rushing to the microwave) My muffin!\n(opens microwave door) Oh, shoot! (slams\nit)\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened?\n\nELAINE\nOh I don't know. I set this thing for\n20 seconds.\n\nKRAMER\nThis was set for 2 minutes. See?\n\n(Jerry raises his hands in the air, worried)\n\nELAINE\n(pointing at Jerry) Don't say anything!\nDon't..say..anything!\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nYou miss-set the timer...\n\nELAINE\n(leaning against the refrigerator) Jean-Paul,\nit's not my microwave, ok? Ok? All right,\n\nlisten, let's just go. Come on, Jean-Paul, let's go. Let's go.\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nOk.\n\nELAINE\n(to Jerry) All right. We'll see you\nat the race, ok?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. I hope so ?!\n\nELAINE\nOh that's cute! (closes door and exits\nwith Jean-Paul)\n\nJERRY\nKramer, I'm tellin' you, Elaine doesn't\nknow whatta hell she's doin'! I gotta\ntake over\n\nthis whole operation!\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, look how tense you are... You\nneed to take a soak.\n\nJERRY\nI'm not taking a soak in that human\nbacteria frat you got goin' there.\n\nKRAMER\nCome on, I'm tellin' you, it's great.\nI opened up all the windows... the air\nis cold, the\n\ntub is boiling hot... It's like Sweden, man. Sweeeeden!\n\n(Kramer's hot tub)\n\n(The water is at 105.F degrees. Kramer takes his robe off and\ngoes inside)\n\nKRAMER\n(relaxing) ...oooohhh yeeaaah... aaahhh...\n(he is really enjoying this)\n\n(in a bar - George and 3 other men, drinking)\n\nCLAYTON\n...'till this bastard over here says:\n\"let's call the sons o'bitches and go\nvisit 'em on\n\nNew York!\" (the 3 men laugh)\n\nGEORGE\n(smiling) Well, we're certainly glad\nthat you could make it.\n\nGARDNER\nI like your organization, George. We've\nbeen talkin' to a really friendly son\nof a bitch\n\nin the front office. Wilhelm, I think his name.\n\nGEORGE\nOh yes, Mr.Wilhelm, yeah...\n\nGARDNER\nHe told us that George Costanza was\ngonna be takin' us bastards out on the\ntown.\n\n\"that son of a bitch doesn't know what\nhe's got in store\n\nfor him!\". (the 3 men laugh once more)\n\nZEKE\nFinish your drink?\n\nGEORGE\nOh yeah, al-almost. Almost.\n\nZEKE\nLet's get that bastard bring us another\nround! (waves to bartender)\n\nCLAYTON\nYou a big drinker, George?\n\nGEORGE\nWell...maybe not as much as this bastard...\n(points at Zeke, they all laugh) I can\n\nhold my own! (they all continue laughing and drinking)\n\n(Kramer's hot tub)\n\n(The water is now at 53 degrees. Kramer is asleep inside and\nhe's all trembling. He wakes up,\n\nfrozen, making trembling sounds, reaches for his robe and puts\nit on while in the tub.)\n\n(Monk's Restaurant - Jerry, Jean-Paul)\n\nJERRY\nJean-Paul, I asked you down here this\nmorning because I'm concerned. Concerned\nthat\n\ntomorrow is perhaps the biggest race of your entire career. And\nthe person with whom you\n\nhave chosen to stay... is uh...\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nWhat are you saying?\n\nJERRY\nI'm saying \"get the hell outta there\"!\nLet me put you in a hotel. You'll be\ncomfortable,\n\nyou'll be near the starting line, and most importantly... you'll\nhave a wake-up call,\n\nJean-Paul! A wake-up call!\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nWake-up call...\n\nJERRY\nThese people never fail. They sit in\na room with a big clock all night long,\njust waitin'\n\nto make that call! (George comes in)\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nNo, I will stay with Elaine. It would\nbe rude.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, you bastards.\n\nJERRY\nHey, how was the meeting?\n\nGEORGE\nI really like those sons of bitches.\n\nJERRY\nSons of bitches?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah! That's how they talk. You know,\neveryone's either a bastard or a son\nof a bitch.\n\nYeah, it's like uh...\"boy, that son of a bitch Box can really\nhit, uh?!\" (laughs)\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nReally?!\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, yeah. That's how they talk in\nthe major league. (laughs)\n\n(Kramer walks in wearing winter coat, scarf, cap, gloves... They\nall look at him very surprised)\n\nKRAMER\nHeeeeey...\n\nJERRY\nHow many sweaters you got on?\n\nKRAMER\nOh...four. (to waitress) Yeah, could\nI have a cup o'tea? Boiling hot.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's goin'on?\n\nKRAMER\nI fell asleep in the hot tub and the\nheat pump broke. Water went down to\n58 degrees.\n\nI can't get my core temperature back up!\n\nJERRY\nYour core temperature?\n\nKRAMER\n(to Jean-Paul) Here, feel my hand. (takes\noff glove) Yeah, feel.\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nPhew... this son of a bitch is ice-cold.\n(smiles)\n\n(inside an airplane - the 3 men)\n\n(They are calling George at the Yankee Stadium, while they're\ndrinking and laughing in the plane)\n\nGEORGE\nHello?\n\nCLAYTON\nuh...is that you, George?\n\nGEORGE\n(laughs) Yeah, it's me. Is this Clayton?\n\nCLAYTON\nWell listen, you son of a bitch! You\nknow where we are? 30 000 feet above\nyour head, you\n\nbastard! (the 3 laugh and howl)\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are they doin' lettin' you bastards\non an airplane? Don't they know that's\nagainst\n\nFAA regulation?\n\nCLAYTON\n(to the other 2 men) Hey, hush up, now!\nI can't hear him!\n\nGEORGE\nListen. I want you guys to send along\nthose agreements the minute you land.\nOur boys\n\ncan't wait to kick your butts!\n\nZEKE\n(to Clayton) When's that bastard comin'\nto Houston?\n\nCLAYTON\nHey, Zeke wants to know when you Yankee\nbastards are comin' to Houston!\n\nGEORGE\nYou tell that son of a bitch no Yankee\nis ever comin' to Houston. Not as long\nas you\n\nbastards are running things.\n\nCLAYTON\nHey, uh, speak up, George, I can't hear\nya!\n\nGEORGE\n(Mr.Wilhelm comes in and hears George\nyelling) You tell that son of a bitch\nno Yankee is\n\never comin' to Houston! Not as long as you bastards are running\nthings!\n\n(Mr.Wilhelm comes running, takes the phone from George and hangs\nup)\n\nWILHELM\nGeorge! George, get a hold of yourself!\n\nGEORGE\nMr.Wilhelm...\n\nWILHELM\nWhat's the matter with you?!\n\nGEORGE\nWell I-I...\n\n(Elaine's office - Elaine)\n\n(She's trying to think of a story for the shoes while she's at\nthe computer)\n\nELAINE\n(thinking and typing) It was a cold\nwinter's night in Timbuktu...\n\n(hits the keyboard) Oh! This stinks! (grabs a Himalayan walking\nshoe and starts squeezing\n\nit for inspiration) Oh, come on... come on...!...God! (quits)\n\n(Elaine's building - Jean-Paul, Judy with baby)\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nHello.\n\nJUDY\nHello.\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nI'm a friend of Elaine's.\n\nJUDY\nOh, hi.\n\nJEAN-PAUL\n(looks at the baby) oooooh...look at\nthe cute little bastard... (the building\nmanager\n\ncomes in) you are mama's little bastard, aren't you? (laughs)\n\n(Judy goes away angry and Jean-Paul is surprised by that)\n\nMANAGER\nWhatta hell are you doin' harassing\nmy tenants?\n\nJEAN-PAUL\n(smiling) Oh come on, you son of a bitch.\nI'm just trying to be friendly.\n\nMANAGER\nAll right, that's it! (grabs Jean-Paul\nand gets him out) Let's go!\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nWhat...but I got a race tomorrow!\n\n(Jerry's apartment at night- Kramer)\n\n(Kramer is lying on Jerry's sofa, \"fully\" dressed and covered\nwith a blanket. Jerry and George\n\ncome in)\n\nGEORGE\nWhoa...it's like a furnace in here!\n\nJERRY\nOh whatta hell is goin'on?!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I turned up the heat.\n\nJERRY\nTurn up the heat in your apartment!\n(opens a window)\n\nKRAMER\nI'm freezin'! I just need to get my\nhot tub running. I'm waiting for my\nnew heat pump.\n\nGEORGE\nWell what's in this giant box out in\nthe hall?\n\nKRAMER\nUh? Oh that must be it.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's huge!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah, I got the biggest one they\nhad. It's industrial strength. 16000\nBTU's.\n\n(Kramer leaves. The phone rings and Jerry picks it up)\n\nJERRY\nHello?...yeah, I can be there in 10\nminutes...you can count on me! (hangs\nup)\n\nGEORGE\n(Jerry is going to his bedroom) What?\n\nJERRY\nI got the call...!\n\nGEORGE\nJean-Paul?\n\nJERRY\n(stops walking) Jean-Paul! (George acts\nlike he scored)\n\n(hotel - Jerry, Jean-Paul. Sitting in different beds)\n\nJERRY\nPretty lucky to find this hotel, Jean-Paul.\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nMan, I just want to get some sleep.\n(gets into bed)\n\nJERRY\nAll right. (picks up the alarm clock)\nLet's check out the clock. Notch good...\n6:50...\n\nvolume check. (music playing, he starts swinging) What kinda\nmusic you wanna wake up to?\n\nTop 40, classical...\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nMan, whatever! (annoyed)\n\nJERRY\nHow about adult contemporary?\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nFine, adult contemporary. Just pick\none! (irritated)\n\nJERRY\nAll right...we're going with adult contempo...\n(puts alarm away, gets phone) now...\n\nthe failsafe. The wake-up guy... (dials)\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nYes, yes, the wake-up guy.\n\nMAN\n(on the phone) Front desk...?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, this is room 419, I'd like a wake-up\ncall for 6:50 AM tomorrow morning.\n\nMAN\nYes sir.\n\nJERRY\nThat's room 419. 6:50 AM. Four...one...niner...\n\nMAN\nYes, I got it sir. You only had to say\nit once.\n\nJERRY\nI know, but it's a very important wake-up\ncall... and I don't wanna take any chances.\n\nMAN\nEvery wake-up call I make is important.\nYou're no more important than any of\nour guests.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I just...don't wanna get into\na whole thing with you here...\n\nMAN\nAre you through? (annoyed)\n\nJERRY\n...Yeah I am, but I just...(man hangs-up)\n\n(Jerry pauses thinking)\n\nJERRY\nhumm...\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nWhat is it...?\n\nJERRY\nI think I offended the wake-up guy...!\n(worried)\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nNo, no.\n\nJERRY\n(gets up) No, no, I did. I think he's\ngot it in for me!\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nMan, he doesn't got \"in\" for you.\n\nJERRY\nWhat if he doesn't call now out of spite?\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nIt is his job!\n\n(Jerry sits down)\n\nJERRY\n(pause) Not comfortable... (gets up\nagain)\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nFor God's sake...! (gets up and they\nstart packing)\n\n(Elaine's apartment)\n\n(Elaine comes in)\n\nELAINE\nJean-Paul? (searching everywhere) Hey\nJean-Paul? Jean-Paul? (worried) Jean-Paul?!\n\nOh man... (calling Jerry's) Oh...machine.\n\nJERRY'S MACHINE\nI'm not here, leave a message.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, Jerry, Jean-Paul's missing! He's\nalone in the city! Call me back. (hangs\nup)\n\n(She leaves her apartment and knocks on Judy's door)\n\nELAINE\nJudy, hi, listen...\n\nJUDY\nYou have got some nerve, Elaine! I told\nyou about that baby in confidence!\n\nELAINE\nOh I didn't tell anyone.\n\nJUDY\nWell your friend certainly seemed to\nknow all about it. (shuts the door)\n\nELAINE\n... Jerry! (runs angry to her apartment)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Jerry and Jean-Paul come in)\n\nJERRY\nFeel much better here at my home base,\nJean-Paul. It's a controlled environment.\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nIt's a marathon, you know. 26 miles!\nI need to get some sleep! (lies on the\nsofa)\n\nJERRY\nHey, believe me, if I'd been with you\nthere in Barcelona...you'd be polishing\nthat medal\n\nright now. (covers Jean-Paul with a blanket)\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nLeft a comfortable hotel bedroom for\nthis!\n\nJERRY\nThat wake-up guy was trouble! All right,\nI'll be right back. (goes knocking on\nKramer's)\n\n(Kramer checks the water temperature and then opens the door)\n\nJERRY\n(shouting) Man that thing is noisy!\n\nKRAMER\n(shouting) Yeah yeah, we're cracking\nalong pretty good! We're almost up to\n80 degrees!\n\nJERRY\nYeah, listen, do me a favor. Set your\nmental alarm for 6:30 and gimme a call.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, ok. Wait. (concentrates and makes\nthe \"pop!\" sound) Done! (Jerry stares,\nconfused)\n\n(street at night- Elaine walking and thinking, very worried)\n\n(the following voices are on Elaine's mind)\n\nJERRY\nHe's put his faith in you. He's put\nhis faith in you.\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nI trust Elaine, she is my friend. I\ntrust Elaine, she is my friend.\n\nJERRY\nFrankly, I'm a little concerned.\n\nELAINE\nOhhh, I'm exhausted. I've been on this\nstreet a thousand times! It's never\nlooked so\n\nstrange! The faces...so cold! In the distance, a child is crying.\nFatherless...a bastard\n\nchild, perhaps. My back aches...my heart aches...but my feet\n(stops to look at her feet)\n\n...my feet are resilient! (a big smile grows in her face, as\nshe thinks...) Thank God I\n\ntook off my heels, and put on my... HIMALAYAN WALKING SHOES!!!\n(lifting her arms up in\n\nthe air, in ecstasy, as she says...) Yes!\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n02 AM. Jean-Paul's sleeping at the sofa)\n\n(Kramer's apartment)\n\n02 AM. Kramer snores. The heat pump\nshort circuits and blows the fuses on\nthe entire building)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n02)\n\nJERRY\n4:02? (Checks his wristwatch) Aaa-aaahhh!\nEight forty seven Jean-Paul! Wake up!\nWake uuuuup!\n\n(gets out of bedroom, in panic) Jean-Paul! The electricity went\nout! Wake up! Wake up!\n\nWE GOTTA GO! IT'S 8\n47!\n\nJEAN-PAUL\n8:47!? (jumps out of the sofa)\n\n(both running around, getting ready to go)\n\nJERRY\nCome on, just put your clothes on! You'll\nget dressed in the car!\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nIdiot! I trusted you!\n\n(Kramer comes in wrapped up in a blanket)\n\nJERRY\nKramer, what happened to the building?!\nThe electricity went out!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, the heat pump blew all the fuses!\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened to your mental alarm?!\n\nKRAMER\nI guess I hit the snooze... (Jerry runs\nby Kramer and Kramer falls down)\n\n(New York marathon)\n\n(Jerry and Jean-Paul try to get to the starting line through\na crowd)\n\nJERRY\nMake way! I've got-I've got a runner\nhere! Get outta the way! Make way! Make\nway!\n\nMake way, it's a contender! (an event guard stops them)\n\nGUARD\nHey, hold it!\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nI'm late, man, I'm in the race!\n\nGUARD\nGo ahead.\n\nJEAN-PAUL\nThank you Jerry, you're a wonderful\ndriver. Fantastic route, man!\n\nJERRY\nAll right, go, it's a race! Come on!\n\n(George Steinbrenner's office at the Yankee Stadium)\n\n(George comes in)\n\nGEORGE\nYou wanted to see me, Mr.Steinbrenner?\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nYes, George, come in, come in. George,\nword up's you've been cracking under\nthe\n\npressure. Can't cope, can't stand the heat. Spit the bit.\n\nGEORGE\nOh no, Mr.Steinbrenner, I can explain...\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nOh we all get a little cuckoo sometimes\nGeorge, I used to be like you. Rating\n\npersonnel 'till they cried, calling managers on the field during\na game, threatening\n\nto move the team to New Jersey, just to upset people. Then I\nfound a way to relax.\n\n(New York marathon - Jerry, Elaine, Kramer)\n\n(They're waiting for the runners to run by. Kramer remains \"fully\"\ndressed and is carrying a\n\nthermos with tea).\n\nJERRY\nI'm tellin'you, I never told anyone\nabout that baby. I never even went near\nyour building!\n\nELAINE\nThen how did she find out, Jerry?!\n\nJERRY\nMaybe you should check with the rabbi.\n\nKRAMER\n(to Elaine) You want some hot tea?\n\nELAINE\nOh no, thank you.\n\nKRAMER\nOh. There's some runners. Here they\ncome!\n\n(The first runner to appear is Jean-Paul)\n\nELAINE\nThere's Jean-Paul! He's up front! He's\nleading! (jumping) Go Jean-Paul!(starts\nscreaming)\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah! Yeah! Come on! (starts howling)\n\nJERRY\nCome on, let's go Jean-Paul!\n\nELAINE\nGo Jean-Paaaaaul!\n\n(We switch over to Jean-Paul. We hear him breathing. We hear\nhis heart beating. Some people offer\n\nhim drinks. Jean-Paul grabs one, Kramer's hot tea, and leaves\nscene. Kramer gets very surprised.\n\nWe then hear Jean-Paul screaming in pain, and it's not hard to\nguess why. Kramer puts on a\n\n\"whatta hell\" look, Elaine puts on an \"ouch\" look and Jerry puts\non his \"it's a shame\" one.)\n\n(George and Mr.Steinbrenner inside a hot tub)\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nHow're you enjoying it, George? Melts\nthat tension away, doesn't it? You gotta\nget that jet on the good spot. Oh. Oh.\nUh. Uh. Yes, that feels good. Yes, that's\nreal good. Oh yeah, that's where I keep\nall my tension. Right down to that chicken\nbone. Sometimes I get my wife to just\nstuck her thumb right in there like\na screwdriver. Ya know, the Phillips\nhead, not the flat one. Oh God, those\nflat ones frustrate me. You got it in,\nbut it slips out. You put it in again,\nslips out again. You a single man, George?\n\nGEORGE\n(bored to death) Well, I-I just recently\nuh...\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nI'll tell you, if you wanna get something\nwild goin'on in your life, you get a\ngirl and bring her to one o'these things.\nJust like 4 shots a wild turkey. (laughs)\nShe'll think you're Hopalong Cassidy.\n(George starts sliding, until he gets\nall his head -and glasses- under water,\nas Steinbrenner keeps talking) A show,\nabout that Mickey Mantle, wasn't it?\nYou know we used to talk. I don't think\nhe liked me very much, you know.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Soup-Nazi.html",
    "text": "THE SOUP NAZI\n\nWritten by\n\nSpike Feresten\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. So, what theatre you wanna\ngo to tonight? We got 61st and 3rd or\n84th and Broadway.\n\nJERRY\nWhich one you wanna go to shmoopy?\n\nSHEILA\nYou called me shmoppy. You're a shmoopy.\n\nJERRY\nYou're a shmoopy!\n\nSHEILA\nYou're a shmoopy!\n\nJERRY\nYou're a shmoopy!\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, shmoopies...what's it gonna\nbe? Pick a theater.\n\nJERRY\nUh..we'll go to 3rd Avenue. So, can\nyou come with us for lunch to the soup\nplace?\n\nSHEILA\nNo. You have a good lunch. But I'll\nmeet you back here for the movie.\n\nGEORGE\nHey.\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nSHEILA\nHi Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nHi Sheila.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, then. I'll see you later.\n\nSHEILA\nBye shmoopy.\n\nJERRY\nBye shmoopy.\n\nELAINE\nOkay. We ready to go?\n\nGEORGE\nYes. Please. Please, let's go.\n\nELAINE\nBoy, I'm in the mood for a cheeseburger.\n\nJERRY\nNo. We gotta go to the soup place.\n\nELAINE\nWhat soup place?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, there's a soup stand, Kramer's been\ngoing there.\n\nJERRY\nHe's always raving. I finally got a\nchance to go there the other day, and\nI tell you this, you will be stunned.\n\nELAINE\nStunned by soup?\n\nJERRY\nYou can't eat this soup standing up,\nyour knees buckle.\n\nELAINE\nHuh. All right. Come on.\n\nJERRY\nThere's only one caveat -- the guy who\nruns the place is a little temperamental,\nespecially about the ordering procedure.\nHe's secretly referred to as the Soup\nNazi.\n\nELAINE\nWhy? What happens if you don't order\nright?\n\nJERRY\nHe yells and you don't get your soup.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nJust follow the ordering procedure and\nyou will be fine.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. All right. Let's - let's\ngo over that again.\n\nJERRY\nAll right. As you walk in the place\nmove immediately to your right.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nThe main thing is to keep the line moving.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. So, you hold out your money,\nspeak your soup in a loud, clear voice,\nstep to the left and receive.\n\nJERRY\nRight. It's very important not to embellish\non your order. No extraneous comments.\nNo questions. No compliments.\n\nELAINE\nOh, boy, I'm really scared!\n\nJERRY\nElaine.\n\nELAINE\nAll right. Jerry, that's enough now\nabout the Soup Nazi. Whoa! Wow! Look\nat this. You know what this is? This\nis an antique armoire. Wow! It's French.\nArmoire.\n\nJERRY\nAr-moire.\n\nELAINE\nHow much is this?\n\nFURNITURE GUY\nI was asking 250, but you got a nice\nface. 2 even.\n\nELAINE\nHuh? Ha. 200. You know, I've always\nwanted one of these things.\n\nJERRY\nHe gave you the nice face discount.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. All right. You guys go ahead.\n\nJERRY\nWhat about the soup?\n\nELAINE\nI'm getting an armoire, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\n(in French accent) Pardon.\n\nGEORGE\nThis line is huge.\n\nJERRY\nIt's like this all the time.\n\nGEORGE\nIsn't that that Bania guy?\n\nJERRY\nOh, no. It is. Just be still.\n\nGEORGE\nWhoop! Too late. I think he picked up\nthe scent.\n\nBANIA\nHey, Jerry! I didn't know you liked\nsoup.\n\nJERRY\nHard to believe.\n\nBANIA\nThis guy makes the best soup in the\ncity, Jerry. The best. You know what\nthey call him? Soup Nazi.\n\nJERRY\nShhhhh! All right, Bania, I - I'm not\nletting you cut in line.\n\nBANIA\nWhy not?\n\nJERRY\nBecause if he catches us, we'll never\nbe able to get soup again.\n\nBANIA\nOkay. Okay.\n\nGEORGE\nMedium turkey chili.\n\nJERRY\nMedium crab bisque.\n\nGEORGE\nI didn't get any bread.\n\nJERRY\nJust forget it. Let it go.\n\nGEORGE\nUm, excuse me, I - I think you forgot\nmy bread.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nBread -- $2 extra.\n\nGEORGE\n$2? But everyone in front of me got\nfree bread.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nYou want bread?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, please.\n\nSOUP NAZI\n$3!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nSOUP NAZI\nNo soup for you! (snaps fingers)\n\n(cashier takes George's soup and gives him back his money)\n\nELAINE\nWhat do you mean I can't bring in here?\nI live here.\n\nSUPER\nIt's Sunday, Elaine. There's no moving\non Sunday. That's the rule.\n\nELAINE\nBut I didn't know, Tom. I g -- can't\nyou just make an exception? Please.\nI've got a nice face.\n\nSUPER\nTomorrow, okay? You can move it in tommorrow.\nI'll even give you a hand, all right?\n\nELAINE\nOhh! Well, you're just gonna have to\nhold this for me.\n\nFURNITURE GUY\nI'm a guy on the sidewalk. I don't have\nlayaway.\n\nELAINE\nOh, no...please don't go. Please - please\ndon't walk away.\n\nJERRY\nOh, man. Ohh! This is fantastic. How\ndoes he do it?\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, I don't see how you can sit\nthere eating that and not even offer\nme any?\n\nJERRY\nI gave you a taste. What do you want?\n\nGEORGE\nWhy can't we share?\n\nJERRY\nI told you not to say anything. You\ncan't go in there, brazenly flaunt the\nrules and then think I'm gonna share\nwith you!\n\nGEORGE\nDo you hear yourself?\n\nJERRY\nI'm sorry. This is what comes from living\nunder a Nazi regime.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I gotta go back there and try\nagain. Hi Sheila.\n\nSHEILA\nHi. Hi shmoopy.\n\nJERRY\nHi shmoopy.\n\nSHEILA\nNo, you're a shmoopy!\n\nJERRY\nYou're a shmoopy!\n\nGEORGE\nI'm going.\n\nJERRY\nHey, listen, so we'll meet you and Susan\nat the movie tonight?\n\nGEORGE\nYou know what? I changed my mind. I,\nuh, I don't think so.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nGEORGE\nI just don't feel like it anymore.\n\nJERRY\nJust like that?\n\nGEORGE\nJust like that.\n\nSHEILA\nBoy, he's a weird guy, isn't he?\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\n(taking Jerry's couch cushion) Yeah.\n\nJERRY\nHey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Wha\n-- what are you doing?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Elaine, she has to leave her armoire\non the street all\n\nnight...I'm gonna guard it for her. I need something to sit on.\n\nJERRY\nWell, sit on one of your couch cushions.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, but this is so nice and thick.\nAhoy there!\n\nELAINE\nOh, Kramer! Thank God. I really appreciate\nyou doing this.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Well, you ask for it, you got\nit.\n\nELAINE\nDo you need anything?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, a bowl of muligatawny would hit\nthe spot.\n\nELAINE\nMulligatawny?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. It's an Indian soup. It's simmered\nto perfection by one of\n\nthe great soup artisans\n\nin the modern era.\n\nELAINE\nOh! Who? The Soup Nazi?\n\nKRAMER\nHe's not a Nazi. He just happens to\nbe a little eccentric. Most\n\ngeniuses are.\n\nELAINE\nAll right. I'll be back.\n\nKRAMER\nWait a second. You don't even know how\nto order.\n\nELAINE\nOh, no. No. No. No. I got it.\n\nKRAMER\nNo. No, Elaine!\n\nELAINE\nHey, I got it. Hey. Didn't you already\nget soup?\n\nGEORGE\nNo. I didn't get it.\n\nELAINE\nWhy? What happened?\n\nGEORGE\nI made a mistake.\n\nELAINE\n(laughing)\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. Well, we'll see what happens\nto you.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. No. Listen, George, I am quite\ncertain I'm walking out of\n\nthere with a bowl of soup.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Hey, let ask you something. Is\nit just me, or - or do you\n\nfind it unbearable to be around Jerry and that girl?\n\nELAINE\nOh, I know! It is awful!\n\nGEORGE\nWhy do they have to do that in front\nof people?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat is that with the shmoopy?\n\nELAINE\nOhh!\n\nGEORGE\nThe shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy, shmmopy,\nshmoopy!\n\nELAINE\nOhh! Stop it! I know.\n\nGEORGE\nI had to listen to a five minute discussion\non which one is\n\nactually called shmoopy.\n\nELAINE\nUgh!\n\nGEORGE\nAnd I cancelled plans to go to the movies\nwith them tonight.\n\nELAINE\nYou know, we should say something.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, we absolutely should.\n\nELAINE\nI mean, why does he do that? Doesn't\nhe know what a huge turnoff\n\nthat is?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know. He can be so weird sometimes.\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nI still haven't figured him out.\n\nELAINE\nNo. Me neither.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. Shh! I gotta focus. I'm shifting\ninto soup mode.\n\nELAINE\nOh, God!\n\nGEORGE\nGood afternoon. One large crab bisque\nto go. Bread. Beautiful.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nYou're pushing your luck little man.\n\nGEORGE\nSorry. Thank you.\n\nELAINE\nHi there. Um, uh -- (drumming on countertop)\nOh! Oh! Oh! One\n\nmulligatawny and, um....\n\nwhat is that right there? Is that lima bean?\n\nSOUP NAZI\nYes.\n\nELAINE\nNever been a big fan. (coughing) Um..you\nknow what? Has anyone ever\n\ntold you you look exactly like Al Pacino? You know, \" Scent Of\nA Woman.\"\n\nWho-ah! Who-ah!\n\nSOUP NAZI\nVery good. Very good.\n\nELAINE\nWell, I --\n\nSOUP NAZI\nYou know something?\n\nELAINE\nHmmm?\n\nSOUP NAZI\nNo soup for you!\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nSOUP NAZI\nCome back one year! Next!\n\nRAY\nLook at this.\n\nBOB\nIt's an antique.\n\nRAY\nIt's all hand made and I love the in-lay.\n\nBOB\nYes. Yes. me, too. Ay, it's gorgeous.\nCompletely. Pick it up. No. No.\n\nPick it up from the bottom over there.\n\nKRAMER\nWait. Wait. Wait. Wait. What are you\ndoing?\n\nBOB\nWhat does it look like we're doing?\nWe're taking this.\n\nKRAMER\nYou can't take this. This belongs to\na friend of mine.\n\nBOB\nLook, you wanna get hurt?\n\nKRAMER\nHuh?\n\nBOB\nI don't think you wanna get hurt. Because\nif you wanna get hurt I can\n\nhurt you. Now, just back off.\n\nRAY\nBob.\n\nBOB\nJust pick it up.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat is this, huh?\n\nBOB\nYou have some kind of problem here?\nWhat is it you not understanding?\n\nWe taking the armoire and that's all there is to it. Okay?\n\nELAINE\nI mean, is he allowed to do this? It's\ndiscrimination! I'm gonna\n\ncall the states' attorney office. I really am.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, this is fabulous. My God Elaine,\nyou have to taste this.\n\nELAINE\nAll right. All right. Give me a tsate.\nMmm! Oh God, I gotta sit\n\ndown. What happened? Where's my armoire?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, b -- it was stolen.\n\nELAINE\nWha--?\n\nKRAMER\nThese street toughs, they robbed me.\n\nELAINE\nStreet toughs took my armoire?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. It was very frightening. My life\nwas in danger. You should've\n\nseen the way they talked to me.\n\nELAINE\nI can't believe this!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, where's the soup?\n\nELAINE\nWha -- the Soup Nazi threw me out.\n\nKRAMER\nOh...yeah!\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you gonna get?\n\nSHEILA\nI'll decide at the last minute.\n\nJERRY\nYou better decide, sister. You're on\ndeck. Sheila!\n\n(Soup Nazi pounding on countertop)\n\nJERRY\nUh-oh.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nHey, what is this? You're kissing in\nmy line? Nobody kisses in\n\nmy line!\n\nSHEILA\nI can kiss anywhere I want to.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nYou just cost yourself a soup!\n\nSHEILA\nHow dare you? Come on, Jerry, we're\nleaving. Jerry?\n\nJERRY\nDo I know you?\n\nELAINE\nSo, essentially, you chose soup over\na woman?\n\nJERRY\nIt was a bisque.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. You know what I just realized?\nSuddenly, George has become\n\nmuch more normal than you.\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\nELAINE\nYeah. Come on. I mean, think about it.\nHe's engaged to be married.\n\nYour top priority is soup.\n\nJERRY\nHave you tastes the soup?\n\nELAINE\nYeah. All right. You made the right\ndecision.\n\nJERRY\nSee, the way I figure it, it's much\neasier to patch things up with\n\nSheila than with the Soup Nazi.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nOh, thanks.\n\nELAINE\nThere he is.\n\nKRAMER\nElaine, I'm really sorry about the armoire.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. I know. Me, too.\n\nJERRY\nSo, did these thieves want any money?\n\nKRAMER\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nThey just wanted the armoire?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. They were..quite taken with it.\n\n(interom buzzes)\n\nJERRY\nYeah?\n\nGEORGE\nHup! Hup!\n\nJERRY\nHey, have you noticed George is acting\na little strange lately?\n\nELAINE\nNo. In what way?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know. A lot of attitude, like\nhe's better than me, or\n\nsomething.\n\nELAINE\nI don't think George has ever thought\nhe's better than anybody.\n\nGEORGE\nHello.\n\nJERRY\nHello.\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nGEORGE\nHello.\n\nELAINE\nHello.\n\nGEORGE\nWere you just talking about me? What's\ngoing on?\n\nJERRY\nAbsolutely not.\n\nGEORGE\nSomething's going on here.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, (claps hands) I'm gonna go\nget some soup.\n\nELAINE\nOne of these days that guy is gonna\nget his.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, how was the movie?\n\nJERRY\nAw, we didn't go. Sheila and I are kind\nof on the outs.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, yeah?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Wha - wha - what are you, happy?\n\nGEORGE\nHappy? Why should I be happy?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, but you look like you're\nhappy.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy should I care?\n\nJERRY\nYou can't fool me. Don't insult me,\nGeorge because I know when\n\nyou're happy.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. I am happy, and I'll tell\nya why -- because the two of\n\nyou were making me and every one of your friends sick! Right,\nElaine?\n\n(Elaine sneaks out of Jerry's apartment)\n\nJERRY\nIs that so?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Yeah. With all that kissing and\nthe shmoopy, shmoopy,\n\nshmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy out in public like that. It's disgusting!\n\nJERRY\nDisgusting?\n\nGEORGE\nPeople who do that should be arrested.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I guess I have all the more reason\nto get back with her.\n\nGEORGE\nYe - yeah. And we had a pact, you know.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nYou shook my hand in that coffee shop.\n\nJERRY\nYou're still with the pact?\n\nGEORGE\nMmm-hmm. You reneged.\n\nJERRY\nAll I did was shake your hand.\n\nGEORGE\nAh-ha!\n\nKRAMER\nAnd then they just ran off with the\narmoire, just like that.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nOhh! This city.\n\nNEWMAN\nOne large jambalaya, please.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nSo, continue.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, my friend is awful disappointed\nis all. You know, she's very\n\nemotional.\n\nNEWMAN\nThank you. (inhaling deeply) Jambalaya!\n\nSOUP NAZI\nAll right, now listen to me. You have\nbeen a good friend. I have\n\nan armoire in my basement. If you want to pick it up, you're\nwelcome\n\nto it. So, take it, it's yours.\n\nKRAMER\nHow can I possibly thank you?\n\nSOUP NAZI\nYou are the only one who understands\nme.\n\nKRAMER\nYou suffer for your soup.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nYes. That is right.\n\nKRAMER\nYou demand perfection from yourself,\nfrom your soup.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nHow can I tolerate any less from my\ncustomer?\n\nCUSTOMER\nUh, gazpacho, por favor.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nPor favor?\n\nCUSTOMER\nUm, I'm part Spanish.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nAdios muchacho!\n\nKRAMER\nGit.\n\nJERRY\nIt was stupid of me.\n\nSHEILA\nWell, it was very insulting.\n\nJERRY\nNo. I know. I - I was really sort of\nhalf-kidding.\n\nSHEILA\nWell, behind every joke there's some\ntruth.\n\nJERRY\nWhat about that Bavarian cream pie joke\nI told you? There's no truth\n\nto that. Nobody with a terminal illness goes from the United\nStates\n\nto Europe for a piece of Bavarian cream pie and then when they\nget\n\nthere and they don't have it he says \" Aw, I'll just have some\n\ncoffee.\" There's no truth to that.\n\nSHEILA\nWell, I guess you're right.\n\nJERRY\nSo, am I forgiven, shmoopy?\n\nSHEILA\nYes, shmoopy.\n\nJERRY\nAw!\n\nSUSAN\nHey, Jerry!\n\nJERRY\nOh, hi Susan, George. You remember Sheila.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, yes. Hello.\n\nSHEILA\nHello. Won't you join us?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, thanks.\n\nSUSAN\nOf course.\n\nGEORGE\nYes. Well -- So, uh, sit on the same\nside at a booth, huh?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. That's right. You got a problem?\n\nGEORGE\nI, uh, just think it's a little unusual.\nTwo people to sit on one\n\nside...and leave the other side empty.\n\nJERRY\nWell, we're changing the rules.\n\nGEORGE\nAhh. Good for you.\n\nSUSAN\nAw, what are you getting George?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know, honey. What do you want\nto get? (in babying voice) I\n\nwant you to get anything you want...'cause I love you so much.\nI\n\nwant you to be happy. Okay, sweetie?\n\nSUSAN\nOh, George, you're so sweet.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I could be a little sweetie tweetie\nweetie weetie.\n\nSUSAN\nAww!\n\nJERRY\nWhat about you, shmoopy? How 'bout a\nlittle tuna? You want a little\n\ntuna fishy?\n\nSHEILA\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nYum yum little tuna fishy?\n\nGEORGE\nCome here.\n\n(George & Susan begin making out; Jerry & Sheila begin making\nout in order\n\nto keep up)\n\nKRAMER\nAnd..voila!\n\nELAINE\n(gasps)\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nOh! Oh, I love it! I absolutely love\nit!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Did the K Man do it or did the\nK Man do it?\n\nELAINE\nThe K Man did it!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah!\n\nELAINE\n(laughing) How much did you pay for\nthis thing?\n\nKRAMER\nHow 'bout zero?\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? Who's was it? Where'd you get\nit?\n\nKRAMER\nI'll tell ya where I got it. I got it\nfrom the guy you so callously\n\nrefer to as the Soup Nazi.\n\nELAINE\nGet out!\n\n(Elaine pushes on Kramer's chest, causing in to fall backwards\nthrough her\n\nswinging door)\n\nELAINE\nThe Soup Nazi gave it to you?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nWhy?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I told him the whole story and\nhe just let me have it. Wha --\n\nYeah. He's a wonderful man.\n\nELAINE\n(gasps)\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Well, a little bit misunderstood\nbut, uh....\n\nELAINE\nWell, I'm just gonna go down there and\npersonally thank him. I\n\nmean, I had this guy all wrong. This is wonderful!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Well, he's a dear.\n\nGEORGE\nHow much tip do you leave on $8.15?\n\nSUSAN\nYou know sweetie, I just want you to\nknow that I was so proud of you\n\ntoday expressing your feelings so freely in front of Jerry and\nall.\n\nJust knowing that you're not afraid of those things is such a\ngreat step\n\nforward in our relationship.\n\nGEORGE\nHuh?\n\nSUSAN\n(in babying voice) Because you love\nyour little kiki don't you?\n\nCUSTOMER\nHow is he today?\n\nBANIA\nI think he's in a good mood.\n\nELAINE\nHi. You know, Kramer gave me the armoire\nand it is so beautiful.\n\nI'm mean, I just can't tell you how much I appreciate it.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nYou? If I knew it was for you, I never\nwould have given it to\n\nhim in the first place! I would have taken a hatchet and smashed\nit\n\nto pieces! Now, who wants soup? Next! Speak up!\n\nJERRY\nI'm heading over to Elaine's.\n\nKRAMER\nOh. Jerry, those are the guys that mugged\nme for the armoire.\n\nJERRY\nThose two?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nAre you sure?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. That's them.\n\nJERRY\nWell, let's confront 'em.\n\nKRAMER\nNo. No. No. No. Let's get a cop.\n\nJERRY\nThere's no cops around. They're gonna\nleave. Come on.\n\nKRAMER\nNo!\n\nJERRY\nLet's go.\n\nBOB\nOh, wow look, that one is gorgeous.\nI would just kill for that one.\n\nRAY\nOh, not in blue. Blue does not go with\nall.\n\nBOB\nOh, please. Do you know what you're\ntalking about? Because I don't\n\nthink you know what you're talking about. Take a look at that.\n\nKRAMER\nExcuse me.\n\nRAY\nAre you talking to me?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, well, uh, we --\n\nRAY\nI said, are you talking to me?\n\nBOB\nWell, maybe, he was talking to me. Was\nyou talking to him? Because you\n\nwas obviously talking to one of us. So what is it? Who?! Who\nwas you\n\ntalking to?!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, wha -- I, uh -- uh, we were kind\nof, uh, talking to each\n\nother, weren't we?\n\n(Jerry & Kramer turn around and run away)\n\nELAINE\nI mean, you know, I've never been so\ninsulted in my entire life.\n\nThere's something really wrong with this man. He is a Soup Nazi.\n\nWhat? What is that?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know. \" 5 cups chopped Porcine\nmushrooms, half a cup of\n\nolive oil, 3 pounds of celery, chopped parsley...\"\n\nELAINE\nLet me see this. (gasps) You know what\nthis is? This is a recipe\n\nfor soup, and look at this. There are like thirty different recipes.\n\nThese are his recipes!\n\nJERY\nSo?\n\nELAINE\nSo? So, his secret's out. Don't you\nsee? I could give these to\n\nevery restaurant in town. I could have 'em published! I could\n- I could\n\ndrop fliers from a plane above the city.\n\nJERRY\nWait a second, Elaine. Where do you\nthink you're going?\n\nELAINE\nWhat do you care?\n\nJERRY\nElaine, I don't want you causing any\ntrouble down at that soup\n\nstand. I happen to love that soup.\n\nELAINE\nGet out of my way, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nElaine, let the man make his soup!\n\nELAINE\nDon't make me hurt you, Jerry.\n\nSUSAN\nLook, they have it in blue...for my\nbaby bluey. Are you my baby\n\nbluey?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, yes. I - I'm your baby bluey.\n\nJERRY\nWell. Well.\n\nSUSAN\nHi, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHey, Susan, George.\n\nSUSAN\nYou know, I really like Sheila a lot.\n\nJERRY\nOh, really?\n\nSUSAN\nMmm-hmm.\n\nJERRY\nBecause we're kind of not seeing each\nother anymore.\n\nSUSAN\nOh, no! That's too bad.\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Well, she was very affectionate\n- which I love. You know I love that\n- but mentally, we couldn't quite make\nthe connection.\n\nGEORGE\nReally?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Too bad, 'cause you gotta have\nthe affection - which you obviously\nhave. I think it's great that you're\nso open with your affections in public.\nSee, we had that.\n\nSUSAN\nMmm-hmm.\n\nGEORGE\nYou did?\n\nJERRY\nOh, yeah. But the mental thing. But\nanyway. I'll see ya.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. See ya.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nGo on! Leave! Get out!\n\nWOMAN\nBut I didn't do anything.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nNext!\n\nELAINE\nHello.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nYou. You think you can get soup? Please.\nYou're wasting everyone's time.\n\nELAINE\nI don't want soup. I can make my own\nsoup. \" 5 cups chopped Porcine\n\nmushrooms, half a cup of olive oil, 3 pounds celery.\"\n\nSOUP NAZI\nThat is my recipe for wild mushroom.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, that's right. I got 'em all. Cold\ncucumber, corn and crab chowder, mulligatawny.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nMulliga...tawny?\n\nELAINE\nYou're through Soup Nazi. Pack it up.\nNo more soup for you. Next!\n\nNEWMAN\n(panting) Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!\n\nJERRY\nWhat is it?\n\nNEWMAN\nSomething's happened with the Soup Nazi!\n\nJERRY\nWha - wha - what's the matter?\n\nNEWMAN\nElaine's down there causing all kinds\nof commotion. Somehow she got a hold\nof his recipes and she says she's gonna\ndrive him out of business! The Soup\nNazi said that now that his recipes\nare out, he's not gonna make anymore\nsoup! He's moving out of the country,\nmoving to Argentina! No more soup, Jerry!\nNo more soup for any of us!\n\nJERRY\nWell, where are you going?\n\nNEWMAN\nHe's giving away what's left! I gotta\ngo home and get a big pot!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Secret-Code.html",
    "text": "THE SECRET CODE\n\nWritten by\n\nAlec Berg & Jeff Schaffer\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nThey really got us trained to use that\ncash machine now, don't they? We're\njust like chickens in an experiment\nwaiting for that pellet to come down\nthe chute. You see people at the cash\nmachine; they're just there. Just, dit\ndit dit dit dit dit dit, they're waiting\nfor the sound, you know the sound, you're\nwaiting for the sound. That's what we're\ntrained to hear, the 'here comes the\nmoney' sound, ya know? Flip flip flip\nflip flip flip flip. It's exciting,\ndon't you get excited? It's coming!\nIt's coming! They're giving me money!\n\n(George and Susan are in George's apartment)\n\nSUSAN\nHey, I gotta get some cash, I'm gonna\nrun down to the ATM.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, I better grab some too.\n\nSUSAN\nI'll get it for you; just give me your\ncard.\n\nGEORGE\nYou sure?\n\nSUSAN\nYeah, just tell me your code.\n\nGEORGE\nMy code?\n\n(Jerry and George are at the coffee shop)\n\nJERRY\nSo why didn't you tell her the code?\n\nGEORGE\nNo. No way.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, you're gonna marry this woman.\nMost likely.\n\nGEORGE\nIt says very clearly, 'for your protection,\ndo not give your secret code to anyone.'\n\nJERRY\nSo you're taking relationship advice\nfrom Chemical Bank now?\n\nGEORGE\nWhy does everything have to be 'us'?\nIs there no 'me' left? Why can't there\nbe some things just for me? Is that\nso selfish?\n\nJERRY\nActually, that's the definition of selfish.\n\nGEORGE\nHave you ever given your code to anyone?\n\nJERRY\nNo one's ever asked. You want it? It's\n'Jor-El.'\n\nGEORGE\nSuperman's father on Krypton.\n\nJERRY\nOf course. C'mon Georgie, you wanna\ntell me. It's eating you up inside.\nSing it, sister.\n\nGEORGE\nNo. I am not giving my code to anyone\nfor any reason.\n\nJERRY\nWhat if my life depended on it?\n\nGEORGE\nIf you're in some situation where some\nfast cash will save your life, I'll\ngive you the code.\n\nJerry stands up and begins limping.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's the matter with your leg?\n\nJERRY\nMy foot fell asleep.\n\nGEORGE\nHow'd your foot fall asleep?\n\nJERRY\nI crossed my legs, I forgot to alternate.\n\nA friend of George and Jerry's walks up to the table.\n\nFRED\nHey Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHey Fred.\n\nGEORGE\nHey Fred.\n\nJERRY\nMy foot fell asleep.\n\nFRED\nYou're lucky, at least you got something\nto do.\n\nElaine walks in.\n\nJERRY\nFred, do you know Elaine?\n\nFRED\nNo, it's nice to meet you. Well, I'm\noutta here, see you guys.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, bye.\n\nJERRY\nSeeya.\n\nELAINE\nDid you hear that? He said, 'nice to\nmeet you.'\n\nJERRY\nSo?\n\nELAINE\nSo? We've met before. At Katie Ash's\nparty, we talked for like ten\n\nminutes.\n\nJERRY\nAnd he didn't remember you?\n\nElaine gets up to leave.\n\nJERRY\nWhere are you going, you just got here?\n\nELAINE\nI gotta go talk to him.\n\nElaine catches up to Fred on the street.\n\nELAINE\nExcuse me, excuse me, Fred?\n\nFRED\nYeah?\n\nELAINE\nYou just said, 'nice to meet you', but\nactually we've met before.\n\nFRED\nWe have?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, at Katie Ash's party?\n\nFRED\nWhat was your name again?\n\nELAINE\nElaine. You don't remember our conversation?\nI talked about how my\n\nuncle worked in the book depository building with Lee Harvey\nOswald?\n\nFRED\nNot ringing a bell.\n\nELAINE\nWhen my uncle said to him, 'the president's\nbeen shot' Oswald winked at\n\nhim and said, 'I'm gonna go catch a movie'?\n\nFRED\nMmm, no.\n\nELAINE\nThat was right when we were in front\nof the bathroom door.\n\nFRED\nThe bathroom door. I remember someone\nhad played tic-tac-toe on it, and\n\nthe X's won; they went diagonally from the top left to the bottom\nright.\n\nJerry's apartment, Jerry is on the phone.\n\nJERRY\nHey that sounds great, I'd love to do\nsome TV commercials, that should\n\nreally be fun.\n\nKramer enters holding a police scanner.\n\nJERRY\nUh huh, okay, alright, bye. Huh, how\ndo you like that? I'm gonna do\n\nsome TV spots for Leapin' Larry's Appliance Store. That was Leapin'\nLarry\n\nhimself, I'm gonna meet with him tomorrow.\n\nKRAMER\nLeapin' Larry! Yeah, that's where I\nbought this.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is that?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, it's an emergency band scanner,\nit picks up everything: Fires,\n\nharbor patrol, even the police. I'm watching the watchers, Jerry.\nUh oh, we\n\ngot a big fire on 115th. I tell ya if could do it over again,\nI'd give it all up\n\nto be a fireman.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, those civil servants who risk\ntheir lives really got it made.\n\nKRAMER\nWhen I was a kid, all I ever dreamed\nof was steering the back of that\n\nbig hook and ladder.\n\nJERRY\nYou're lucky they let you drive a car.\n\nKRAMER\nNo no no, they're talking the West Side\nHighway, at this time of day\n\nthat's insane. They're heading straight into gridlock. Oh, those\nfools.\n\nKramer runs out, Elaine enters.\n\nELAINE\nWhat was that?\n\nJERRY\n(waving his arm in dismissal) Eh.\n\nELAINE\nAlright. So, get a load of this. This\nguy, Fred Yerkes, remembers\n\nevery little thing about that night except me.\n\nJERRY\nReally? I'm surprised, he doesn't meet\nthat many women.\n\nELAINE\nWhat are you saying?\n\nJERRY\nWell, what's to be said? He didn't remember\nyou.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, but why? I mean, ya know.\n\nJERRY\nI know.\n\nELAINE\nYa know?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I know.\n\nELAINE\nHuh, lookit, you got the new catalog.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, you wrote a good piece on the\nHimalayan Walking Shoe.\n\nELAINE\nToo good. Peterman was so pleased, now\nhe wants to take me out to\n\ndinner tomorrow. Maybe you wanna come with me.\n\nJERRY\nWhy would I wanna do that?\n\nELAINE\nOh please, Jerry, please please please,\nI can't sit with him, he tells\n\nthese stories, it's gonna be awful.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, sounds like fun.\n\nGeorge and Susan are at George's apartment.\n\nSUSAN\nI want you to tell me, George.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy? Why is my code so important?\n\nSUSAN\nBecause, it's part of our relationship,\nit's an indication of trust.\n\nWe're not supposed to keep secrets from one another.\n\nGEORGE\nWell I'm sure you have secrets from\nme. I don't know anything about\n\nyour cycles.\n\nSUSAN\nMy cycles?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, I never know what's going on there.\n\nSUSAN\nWell from now on I'll keep you apprised\nof my cycles.\n\nGEORGE\nPlease.\n\nSUSAN\nAnything else?\n\nGEORGE\nWe're out of Bosco!\n\nJerry and Leapin' Larry are in the office at the appliance store.\n\nJERRY\nHowbout this, come one down to Leapin'\nParry's if you can beat our\n\nprices, we'll give you the store.\n\nLEAPIN' LARRY\nYa know I've always liked your comedy,\nyou don't take cheap\n\nshots.\n\nJERRY\nNo I don't.\n\nLEAPIN' LARRY\nSorry for keeping you here so long.\nAgain, I apologize for the\n\nmess. This renovation is killing me.\n\nJERRY\nMy foot's asleep again!\n\nLeapin' Larry walks out from behind his desk, he has a severe\nlimp,\n\nLEAPIN' LARRY\nWhen I lost my leg in the boating accident,\nI got so depressed\n\nabout this damn prosthetic I thought I was gonna have to give\nup the business.\n\nBut now I'm rejuvenated. Let me show you around the store.\n\nJERRY\nYou know what? I'll be with you in a\nminute.\n\nJerry stands and begins to 'walk off' his sleeping foot. A Leapin'\nLarry's\n\nemployee begins laughing.\n\nEMPLOYEE\nThat is a great impression!\n\nLeapin' Larry walks in, sees Jerry, and is obviously disappointed.\nJerry is\n\nembarrassed.\n\nJERRY\nLarry, wait, you don't understand!\n\nJerry and Kramer are in Jerry's apartment.\n\nKRAMER\nI just came from Leapin' Larry's. Making\nfun of crippled people, is\n\nthat what you've sunk to?\n\nJERRY\nI didn't do it on purpose, my foot fell\nasleep.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, oh your foot fell asleep.\n\nJERRY\nYa know, the guy has one leg and he\nstill calls himself Leapin' Larry,\n\nyou'd think he had a sense of humor about it.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you just joked yourself right\nout of that commercial, didn't you,\n\nmunjamba?\n\nJerry's door buzzer rings, Jerry presses the button.\n\nJERRY\nYup.\n\nVOICE\nHup.\n\nA news bulletin is shown on the TV.\n\nKRAMER\nBoy, look at that. Se that's that fire\nI was listening to yesterday.\n\nJERRY\nWow, the whole building burned down.\n\nKRAMER\nThey just don't know what street to\ntake. You remember that time I got\n\nus to Yankee Stadium in rush hour in fifteen minutes?\n\nJERRY\nOf course.\n\nKRAMER\nIt's all up here, Jerry. All up here.\nIt's innate.\n\nJERRY\nThe amazing thing is you never have\nany place to go.\n\nKramer leaves, George enters.\n\nGEORGE\nWhere we gonna eat?\n\nJERRY\nWe're gonna meet Elaine and Peterman\nat the Chinese place.\n\nGEORGE\nPeterman? Nobody mentioned anything\nabout Peterman.\n\nJERRY\nOf course not, if I did would you have\ngone?\n\nGEORGE\nNo way.\n\nJERRY\nThere you go.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't even know Peterman. How the\nhell am I gonna relax? I'm gonna\n\nhave to be on all night. I don't like being on, Jerry, I would\nmuch rather be\n\noff.\n\nJERRY\nTrust me, you're off.\n\nElaine bumps into Fred on the street.\n\nELAINE\nOh, hi Fred.\n\nFRED\nUm, hello?\n\nELAINE\nIt's Elaine.\n\nFRED\nOh yeah, yeah, right.\n\nELAINE\nHow ya doin'?\n\nFRED\nI'm depressed. I got this new shirt,\nthe button fell off. Once the\n\nbutton falls off, that's it. I'll never fix it.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, that's too bad.\n\nFRED\nYeah, I'm gonna get some vitamins, I\nfeel depleted.\n\nELAINE\nHmm. I never take them.\n\nFRED\nCause they make you nauseous, right?\n\nELAINE\nYeah! Yeah, that's right, you remembered!\n\nFRED\nDo you wanna have dinner tonight?\n\nELAINE\nHmm. Tonight.\n\nFRED\nWhat, you have other plans?\n\nELAINE\nNo, no no no, none that I can, um, remember.\n\nJerry and George enter a Chinese restaurant, we pick them up\nin\n\nmid-conversation.\n\nJERRY\n...Alright, you're locked up in a prison\nin Turkey, I have your wallet.\n\nThe only way I can bribe the guards to get you out is for you\nto give me your\n\nATM code.\n\nGEORGE\nCall the Embassy.\n\nJERRY\nThey're closed.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy?\n\nJERRY\nBomb threat.\n\nGEORGE\nWe're in Turkey?\n\nJERRY\nMidnight Express, my friend.\n\nGEORGE\nMy card won't work there; they're not\non the Plus system.\n\nMr. Peterman walks in.\n\nPETERMAN\nYou must be Jerry Seinfeld.\n\nJERRY\nYes, hi, Mr. Peterman. This is, uh,\nGeorge Costanza.\n\nPETERMAN\nJ. Peterman.\n\nGEORGE\nJ. Crew.\n\nJERRY\nWell, is Elaine here?\n\nPETERMAN\nOh, Elaine just called, she won't be\njoining us. Not to worry, I'll\n\ntell the maitre'd it'll just be the three bulls.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's going on? He still wants to have\ndinner with us?\n\nJERRY\nWithout Elaine? What for?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, is he crazy?\n\nJERRY\nWe gotta get out of here. Come on; weave\nyour web, liar man.\n\nGEORGE\nI've got nothing, I-I-I-I'm blank.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, what's the matter with you?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm choking!\n\nPETERMAN\nAh, Fong has been most accommodating.\nShall we?\n\nJERRY\nActually, you know I just remembered\nI promised this comedy club that\n\nI'd do a set tonight, so, terribly sorry.\n\nPETERMAN\nI understand, no hard feelings. George\nand I will miss your company.\n\nFong? It will just be two this evening. George, we dine.\n\nElaine is waiting on the street.\n\nELAINE\nI can't believe this, is this guy standing\nme up?\n\nGeorge and Peterman are eating dinner. Peterman is in mid-story.\nGeorge is\n\ndisinterested.\n\nPETERMAN\n...And there, tucked into the river's\nbend was the object of my\n\nsearch. The Gwon-Jaya River market, fabrics and spices traded\nunder a starlit\n\nsky. It was there that I discovered the Pamplona beret. Sizes\nseven-and-a-half\n\nthrough eight-and-three-quarters. Price? Thirty-five dollars.\n\nGEORGE\nHowbout sports? Do you follow sports?\n\nJerry's apartment, Jerry has his feet up and a big bowl of popcorn\nbeside him on\n\nthe couch.\n\nTV ANNOUNCER\nIt's fourth and inches and the Giants\nare going for it! You\n\ngotta love sports!\n\nPeterman is driving George home.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, this is very nice, but I really\ncould take a cab. Really.\n\nPETERMAN\nHa ha, nonsense, George. Besides it\ngives me a chance to tell you\n\nabout my latest trip to Burma where I discovered a very unusual\ncorduroy.\n\nThe car phone rings, Peterman answers.\n\nPETERMAN\nPeterman here. What? Oh no. Alright,\nI'll be right there. (To\n\nGeorge) It's my mother; she's at death's door. I just pray to\nGod we can make\n\nit there in time.\n\nPeterman makes a quick u-turn, pushing George's face into the\npassenger side\n\nwindow.\n\nElaine is on the phone with Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nI can't believe you blew us off; we\nwere doing you the favor.\n\nELAINE\nWell, Fred asked me out.\n\nJERRY\nFred?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, and then he stood me up. I don't\nget this guy.\n\nJERRY\nYou see what's going on here? You're\nattracted to him because he can't\n\nremember anything about you.\n\nELAINE\nI am? But that's so sick.\n\nJERRY\nThat's God's plan. He doesn't really\nwant anyone to get together.\n\nELAINE\nAnyway, so how was the dinner?\n\nJERRY\nWell, when I heard you weren't coming\nI made up and excuse and got the\n\nhell out of there.\n\nELAINE\nWhat about Georgie?\n\nJERRY\nNah, he didn't make it.\n\nPeterman's mother's house. She's in bed; Peterman is consulting\nwith the\n\ndoctor.\n\nPETERMAN\nDoctor, how is she?\n\nDOCTOR\nShe's too weak to talk but she'll be\nhappy to hear your voice.\n\nPETERMAN\nMama, it's me. Jacopo. I'm here for\nyou, mama.\n\nShe looks off in George's direction.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm, uh, George Costanza. I was having\ndinner with your son.\n\nPeterman's mother's apartment. George is sleeping in a chair\nwith a coat\n\ncovering him. Peterman wakes him up.\n\nPETERMAN\nShake off the dew, my friend.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. What time is it?\n\nPETERMAN\nIt's morning. Thanks for seeing me through\nthe night. I'll make us\n\na pot of coffee, George. Watch her, won't you?\n\nGEORGE\nWho?\n\nPETERMAN\nMomma. Just talk to her, George. The\ndoctor seems to think it\n\nhelps.\n\nPeterman leaves, George attempts conversation.\n\nGEORGE\nHi. I-I really should be getting back\nto my fianc\u00e9, you know, we, uh,\n\nwe had this big fight yesterday and, uh, well she, she wants\nto-to know my\n\nsecret code. I-I don't know, I can't tell her. The funny thing\nis, you know, I\n\nwould really love to tell someone 'cause it's killing me. You\nuh, you wanna\n\nknow what it is? It's Bosco. You know, the chocolate syrup? I\nlove that\n\nstuff, I pour it in milk, it's my favorite drink. Hoo-hoo, boy,\nthat is a\n\nrelief!\n\nMRS. PETERMAN\nBosco. Bosco.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, shhh.\n\nMRS. PETERMAN\nBosco!\n\nPETERMAN\nMomma?\n\nGeorge\" Quiet, quiet! It's a secret.\n\nMRS. PETERMAN\nBosco! Bosco! Bosco!\n\nGEORGE\nShut up! Shut up!\n\nPeterman runs in.\n\nPETERMAN\nMomma! What are you trying to say?\n\nMRS. PETERMAN\nBosco.\n\nMrs. Peterman falls back in bed and closes her eyes.\n\nPETERMAN\nShe's gone. Bosco?\n\nPeterman looks at George, who shrugs.\n\nGeorge and Jerry are in Jerry's apartment.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know this whole thing never would\nhave happened if you hadn't\n\nbailed out on me at the restaurant.\n\nJERRY\nI did not bail out on you.\n\nGEORGE\nWell why couldn't you include me in\nyour excuse?\n\nJERRY\nWhy didn't you come up with your own?\n\nGEORGE\nI froze. I think I'm losing it.\n\nJERRY\nAh, c'mon. Maybe you're just in a slump?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no. I reached down and there was\n*nothing* there.\n\nKramer enters.\n\nGEORGE\nNow Peterman wants me to go to the funeral.\n\nJERRY\nOh, come on, just tell me your code\nalready. What is it?\n\nGEORGE\nI am not giving you my code.\n\nKRAMER\nI'll bet I can guess it.\n\nGEORGE\nPssh. Yeah. Right.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, alright. Yeah. Uh, let's see. Um,\nwell, we can throw out\n\nbirthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for\nyou, you're a\n\nword man. Alright, let's go deeper. Uh, what kind of man are\nyou? Well,\n\nyou're weak, spineless, a man of temptations, but what tempts\nyou?\n\nGEORGE\nHuh?\n\nKRAMER\nYou're a portly fellow, a bit long in\nthe waistband. So what's your\n\npleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no no, yours\nis a sweet\n\ntooth.\n\nGEORGE\nGet out of here.\n\nKRAMER\nOh you may stray, but you'll always\nreturn to your dark master, the\n\ncocoa bean.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm leaving.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, and only the\n\npurest syrup nectar can satisfy you!\n\nGEORGE\nI gotta go.\n\nKRAMER\nIf you could you'd guzzle it by the\ngallon! Ovaltine! Hershey's!\n\nGEORGE\nShut up!\n\nKRAMER\nNestl\u00e9's Quik!\n\nGEORGE\nShut up!\n\nElaine and George are at the funeral.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat was that?\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nYou just checked your watch. Are you\nthinking of bailing on him?\n\nELAINE\nI got a date.\n\nMr. Peterman walks up.\n\nELAINE\nOh, Mr. Peterman.\n\nPETERMAN\nOh, Elaine. George, when momma said\n'Bosco' she must have been\n\ntrying to communicate something, a legacy, a dying wish perhaps.\n\nGEORGE\nMothers say things. My mother goes babbling\non and on like a crazy\n\nperson.\n\nELAINE\nMr. Peterman, you have my deepest sympathies.\nUnfortunately, I've\n\ngotta get going.\n\nPETERMAN\nYou do?\n\nGEORGE\nUh, yes, actually we-we both do.\n\nELAINE\nI have a personal commitment.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, personal, I mean, we both uh...\n\nPETERMAN\nWhat is it?\n\nELAINE\nI'm speaking at a women's' rights conference.\n\nGEORGE\nYes, and I'm speaking at a men's' conference.\n\nPETERMAN\nI don't believe that for a minute. Well,\nElaine, it was good of you\n\nto stop by.\n\nELAINE\nMy pleasure.\n\nPETERMAN\nFortunately, I still have George here\nto help me through this.\n\nElaine leaves.\n\nPETERMAN\nYou know George, growing up as a boy\nin Costa Rica, I heard a rumor\n\nthat momma had taken a lover. Perhaps Bosco was this man's name.\n\nKramer busts in to Jerry's apartment, Jerry is putting on a jacket.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, you wanna come down the fire station\nwith me?\n\nJERRY\nFire station?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I made a map of my shortcuts.\nI'm gonna rock their world!\n\nJERRY\nNah, I gotta go down to Leapin' Larry's.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, so he took you back.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, we straightened it out, all is\nforgiven.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you know the important thing is\nthat you learned something.\n\nJERRY\nNo I didn't.\n\nKramer is at the fire station, talking with the Captain.\n\nCAPTAIN\nWell, Mr. Kramer, your list of short\ncuts is most impressive.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, and this is just the Upper West\nSide. Wait until I get to the\n\nVillage, then you're gonna see a magic show.\n\nCAPTAIN\nMr. Kramer, just about every week some\nbrash young hothead like\n\nyourself saunters in here talking about faster routes and snazzier\ncolors for\n\nthe trucks, well, fact is we feel things are fine the way they\nare.\n\nJerry is back at Leapin' Larry's.\n\nJERRY\nAnyway, thanks for having me back, and\nsorry about the misunderstanding.\n\nLEAPIN' LARRY\nWater under the bridge. Come on, I never\ndid get a chance to\n\nshow you around the store.\n\nJERRY\nOh sure.\n\nJerry stands up to find his leg is asleep.\n\nJERRY\nUh, again? (Limping towards the door)\nI'll be right there.\n\nJerry stomps his foot on the floor a few times before he leaves,\nhe accidentally\n\nbumps a paint can which knocks over a can of flammable liquid\nwhich spills onto\n\nsome exposed electrical wires causing a fire.\n\nBack at the fire station, the alarm is ringing.\n\nDISPATCHER\nAttention Company 390, structure fire\nat Leapin' Larry's Appliance\n\nWarehouse.\n\nKRAMER\nLeapin' Larry's? Hey, that's uptown.\nYou gotta take Amsterdam.\n\nCAPTAIN\nStay out of this, Kramer.\n\nKramer sees the firemen slide down the pole and he gives it a\ntry. As he lands\n\nhe bumps one of the firemen into the truck, then to the floor\nin a daze.\n\nKRAMER\nAre you ok, cowboy? Where do you need\nto go?\n\nFIREMAN\nI drive the back of the truck.\n\nKramer's face lights up.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you'd better take it easy.\n\nKramer grabs a coat and helmet and heads towards the back of\nthe truck.\n\nElaine and Fred are having dinner.\n\nFRED\nSorry about the other night but my mother\ncalled, she couldn't find her\n\npills. I had to go into Brooklyn to help her find her pills,\nand they were\n\nright there in the medicine cabinet. Could you believe that?\n\nELAINE\nHuh.\n\nFRED\nThe worst part is getting from the subway\nstation to the house. There's\n\nno transportation...\n\nELAINE\nWhat am I doing? I'm on a date with\nthis guy because he\n\ndidn't remember me? He's demented, listen to him...\n\nFRED\n...I could have taken a cab but if my\nmother saw me pull up in a cab,\n\nshe'd start yelling at me, \"Freddy! What are taking a cab for?\nIt's so\n\nexpensive!\" She's out of her mind. Eventually, you'll meet her.\n\nGeorge and Peterman are sitting beside the casket.\n\nPETERMAN\nBosco. Bosco. Bosco.\n\nThere's a big fire down the street, the whole block is going\nup in flames!\n\nPeterman gets up and runs towards the door, he stops and looks\nback. George is\n\nstill sitting on the couch, looking up and shaking his head.\n\nPETERMAN\nGeorge!\n\nInside the speeding fire engine.\n\nCAPTAIN\nGonna make a left onto Broadway.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, I would advise against that.\n\nCAPTAIN\nWho is this?\n\nQuick cut to Kramer driving the back of the fire truck.\n\nKRAMER\nIt's Kramer!\n\nCAPTAIN\nKramer?! What the hell are you doing\nback there?\n\nKRAMER\nDeSoto's down, but Cosmo's got the caboose.\n\nOutside Leapin' Larry's. Jerry is helping bring out appliances\nas smoke pours\n\nfrom the building. A woman approaches Jerry.\n\nWOMAN\nHow did this start?\n\nJERRY\nBeats me.\n\nLEAPIN' LARRY\nWhere the hell's the fire department?\nI'm gonna lose the whole\n\nstore!\n\nCut back to Kramer on the truck.\n\nCAPTAIN\nKramer, get the hell off of there. You're\nnot trained to operate this\n\nequipment!\n\nMAN ON THE STREET\nHey, Kramer!\n\nKRAMER\nHey!\n\nCut back to Leapin' Larry's.\n\nLEAPIN' LARRY\nTry the scanner, see if you can pick\nup anything.\n\nJerry turns on the scanner.\n\nCAPTAIN\nWhat are you doing, Kramer?! You're\nall over the road!\n\nKRAMER\nDon't worry, Cap, I can handle it!\n\nJERRY\nKramer?\n\nCut to Kramer losing control of the truck.\n\nCAPTAIN\nYou're losing control! Hard right! Hard\nright!\n\nCut to Jerry holding the scanner. he hears screaming, a crashing\nsound, and\n\nthen static.\n\nJERRY\nAh, that's a shame.\n\nGeorge and Peterman lead a group of people down a smoke filled\nblock.\n\nPETERMAN\nThe fire will eat up this entire block!\n\nThey come upon an ATM vestibule.\n\nPETERMAN\nLook, there's a man in there. Get out\nof there, you're in danger!\n\nMAN\nBut my sleeve, it's stuck in the machine,\nit ate my card!\n\nPETERMAN\nGeorge, give me your ATM card!\n\nGEORGE\nI don't have my ATM card.\n\nPETERMAN\nGeorge, you're obviously lying, anyone\ncan see that!\n\nGeorge pulls out his wallet, Peterman grabs the card, fits it\ninto the slot and\n\ntries the door.\n\nPETERMAN\nIt's jammed! I'll slide it under the\ndoor,\n\nThe man grabs the card and slams it into the machine.\n\nMAN\nNow give me your code!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?! Why?\n\nMAN\nThe machine won't open without the code!\n\nPETERMAN\nGeorge, give him your code!\n\nGEORGE\nBut I-I-I-\n\nPETERMAN\nGeorge, there's no time! Tell him your\ncode! Shout out your code,\n\nman!!\n\nMAN\nThe code!! The code!!\n\nGeorge and Jerry are watching TV at George's, Susan walks in\nand drops some mail\n\non the coffee table.\n\nSUSAN\nHi. Here's your cash, George.\n\nGEORGE\nHm. Thanks.\n\nSUSAN\nAnd here's your card back. Anyone for\nBosco?\n\nJERRY\nOh my god. Look at this.\n\nGEORGE\nHm?\n\nPERRY\nIt's the new J. Peterman catalog. Look.\n\n(Jerry hands the catalog to George.)\n\nGEORGE\nThe Rogue's Wallet. That's where he\nkept his card, his dirty little secret.\nShort, devious, balding. his name was\nCostanza. He killed my mother.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Pool-Guy.html",
    "text": "THE POOL GUY\n\nWritten by\n\nDavid Mandel\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nGEORGE\nLet me ask you a question. Who would\nwin in a fight between you and me?\n\nJERRY\nWell, what do you mean?\n\nGEORGE\nWell if you and I ever got into, like\na really serious fight you know, and\nthe punches started flying -- who do\nyou think would win?\n\nJERRY\nWell I think that's pretty obvious.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Me too.\n\n(Elaine enters carrying a cup of coffee)\n\nJERRY\nHey Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nWho, who, who do you think would win\nin a fight between me and ah, gorgeous\nGeorge here (pointing up and down at\nGeorge)\n\nELAINE\nYou mean in a real Fight Fight?\n\nJERRY\nMona a Baldo.\n\nELAINE\nGeorge.\n\nGEORGE\nAh-Ha! (he turns and walks over to the\nrefrigerator)\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nELAINE\nGeorge fights dirty. (she sips her coffee)\n\nJERRY\nReally? What would you do?\n\nGEORGE\nPull hair, Poke eyes, Groin stuff. Whatever\nI gotta do. (he opens a blue bottled\nbeverage)\n\nJERRY\nHmm.\n\nELAINE\nSo. Listen ... You're not doing anything\ntomorrow, are you? Because I have an\nextra ticket to the historical clothing\nexhibit at the Met.\n\nJERRY\nI'm sorry.\n\nELAINE\nGeorge?\n\nGEORGE\nWould I want to see what Mary Todd wore\nto Lincoln's funeral?\n\nELAINE\nThere's nobody I can go with.\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nELAINE\nYou know what. I don't have one female\nfriend left.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, no, of course you don't. You're\na Man's Woman. You hate other women,\nand they hate you.\n\nELAINE\nThank you.\n\nKRAMER\nSo Jerry, (smacks hands and rubs palms\ntogether) What time we going to the\nmovies?\n\nJERRY\nAh, how about 8:30?\n\nKRAMER\nSaddle up and ride. (opens the fridge\nand pulls out some food -- takes a big\nbite)\n\nJERRY\nYou want to get something to eat first?\n\nKRAMER\n( mumbling with full mouth ) No, I'm\ngood.\n\nGEORGE\nI wonder if, ah, Susan ... (picks up\nthe phone from the coffee table, then\ndecides not to call) No. I better just\ngo. (claps hands) heh. All right! See\nya. (grabs his rain coat from the hook\nby the door and rushes out)\n\nKRAMER\nThere's nothing more pathetic, than\na grown man, who's afraid of a woman.\n(voice get high-pitched for the last\nline)\n\nJERRY\nHey, why don't cha ask Susan?\n\nELAINE\nGeorge's Susan?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. Why not Susan. I should be friends\nwith Susan. (smacks her forehead with\nhand) Of course! Susan! Oh! OK, I'll\nsee you guys. Huh. (rushes out the door.)\n\nKRAMER\nThat's gunna be trouble.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, don't you see? This world here,\nthis is George's sanctuary. If Susan\ncomes into contact with this world,\nhis world's collide. You know what happens\nthen?\n\n(Kramer raises his hands into the air and slowly brings them\ntogether in an explosion. He's holding some food in one hand,\nso when his hands come into contact food flies all over)\n\nKRAMER\nKa shha shha shha Pkooo (exploding sound)\n\nCamera fades from the apt. to the Paragon Movie Theater. Jerry\nand Kramer wait outside in a line to buy tickets.\n\nKRAMER\nDid I tell you I'm getting a new telephone\nnumber?\n\nJERRY\nHow come?\n\nKRAMER\nWhew, chicks man. Too many chicks know\nmy number.\n\n(Jerry looks at Kramer, raises his eyebrows with an expression\nthat says really?)\n\nRAMON\n(recognizes Jerry) Hey Jerry. How are\nyou Mr. Backstroke?\n\nJERRY\nKramer this is Ramon, from the new health\nclub I joined.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah.\n\nRAMON\nSo you know what happened don't chu?\n\nJERRY\nNo what?\n\nRAMON\nI got fired.\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\nRAMON\nYeah, said I put too much chlorine in\nthe pool.\n\nJERRY\nAhh.\n\nRAMON\nHey well, ah, stay out of the deep end,\neh.\n\nJERRY\nOK, see you later.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat's in the deep end?\n\nNight exterior of George's apartment building, then inside. Susan\nsits on the couch reading.\n\n(Telephone rings)\n\nGEORGE\nHello?\n\nELAINE\nHey George.\n\nGEORGE\nHey Elainie. What's going on?\n\nELAINE\n(sitting up in bed) Nothing much, um.\nCan I talk to Susan\n\nGEORGE\nHa, Yeah right, hang on, I'll ah, I'll\nget her for you. he, he,\n\nhe, he. Seriously, what's up?\n\nELAINE\nNo, George really. Can I talk to Susan?\n\nGEORGE\nSusan, why?\n\nELAINE\nBecause I want to ask her to lunch and\nto the Met tomorrow.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, I don't think you want to do that.\n\nELAINE\nWhy not?\n\nGEORGE\nWell what would be the point of that?\n\n(Susan, hearing her name glances over at George)\n\nELAINE\nGeorge, are you going to put her on\nthe phone?\n\nGEORGE\nWhere did this come from all of a sudden?\n\nELAINE\nGeorge, are you going to let me talk\nto Susan, or Not?\n\nGEORGE\nI really think I should have been consulted\nabout this.\n\n(George takes the phone from his ear and walks over to the couch\nand\n\nhands the phone to Susan)\n\nGEORGE\nHere ... something.\n\nSUSAN\nHello? (with hesitant surprise) Oh,\nthat sounds great. I love\n\nthat sort of stuff.\n\n(George stands behind the couch, arms crossed with his right\nhand\n\nclenched up to his mouth. He takes off his glasses, puts his\nleft hand\n\njust above his eyes and rubs them in disbelief and walks out\nof the\n\nroom.)\n\nNight exterior of a busy NYC street. Large lit advertising signs\nfor\n\nPanasonic, JVC and a couple of McDonalds \"Golden Arches\" are\nvisible.\n\nThen to the inside of the movie theater.\n\nKRAMER\nYou want to sit here?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. (Kramer sits in the seat next\nto Jerry) Uh, uh, oh, oh,\n\nOver there. (points to the next seat over)\n\nKRAMER\nWhy?\n\nJERRY\nLittle buffer zone.\n\nKRAMER\n(Quietly) Buffer zone (Kramer moves\nto the other seat)\n\nJERRY\nThank you. If we were in my apartment\nand we were watching a\n\nmovie on the couch, would we sit right next to each other?\n\nKRAMER\nNo. You got a point.\n\nJERRY\nAll right.\n\nKRAMER\nI can't ...\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you doing?\n\nKRAMER\nWell these seats have no lumbar.\n\nJERRY\nOh hey, there's Ramon. Pre, pretend\nwe're talking.\n\n(Ramon is looking for a seat. He's carrying a drink, a bunch\nof\n\nnapkins, and a huge bucket of popcorn)\n\nKRAMER\nWe are talking.\n\nJERRY\nPretend it's interesting.\n\nKRAMER\nSo, ah then, I ah had to kill him and\nah, well the police are\n\nstill looking for me.\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah that's shocking, but sounds\n...\n\nRAMON\nHey, hi Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nOh, hey Ramon.\n\nRAMON\nHey, hey, I took a bunch of napkins.\nYou want some?\n\nJERRY\nOh, no thanks. (turns back to Kramer)\n\nRAMON\nHey, ahhh, is this seat taken?\n\n(Ramon proceeds to sit down between Kramer and Jerry)\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\n(As Ramon sits down, he bumps into Kramer and startles him. Jerry\nlooks\n\nlike he can't believe Ramon sat down. Ramon is bobbing his head\nfront\n\nto back with his neck, like sitting there worked out pretty good)\n\nExterior of Jerry's apartment building then inside where Jerry\nand\n\nGeorge are talking.\n\nJERRY\nAnd then the worst part is, after the\nmovie, he leached on to us\n\n... We wound up having coffee with him for like two hours. Then\nhe\n\nwalks us home, all the way back to the front of the building.\nFinally I\n\nsaid, look Ramon, I gotta go to bed now.\n\nGEORGE\nBy the way, have you spoken to Elaine\nyet today?\n\nJERRY\nNo why?\n\nGEORGE\n(sighs) She called Susan last night.\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah, I know.\n\nGEORGE\nHow do you know?\n\nJERRY\nWell it was my idea.\n\nGEORGE\nYour idea?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nWha'd you do that for?\n\nJERRY\nShe was looking for someone to go to\nthe show with.\n\nGEORGE\nWell that was a really stupid thing!\nYou know what's going to\n\nhappen now?\n\nJERRY\nWorld's collide. (points at George)\n\nGEORGE\nWhe ... Well yeah!\n\nJERRY\nBecause this world is your sanctuary\nand if that world comes into\n\ncontact with --\n\nGEORGE\nYES! It Blows Up! So if you know that,\nwhat did you tell\n\nElaine for?\n\nJERRY\nI didn't know. Kramer told me about\nthe worlds.\n\nGEORGE\nYou couldn't figure out the \"World's\nTheory\" for yourself? It's\n\njust common sense. Anybody knows, ya gotta keep your worlds apart.\n\n(gesturing with hands going outward)\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I guess I slipped up.\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nGEORGE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nGEORGE\nHe knows the worlds theory.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat is it blowing up?\n\nGEORGE\nHa! (grabs his coat and exits the apartment)\n\n(Telephone rings - Kramer pulls a cordless phone from his pocket)\n\nKRAMER\nCosmo, go. No, no, na, na. (he pushes\nthe end button and\n\npushes the antenna down) Boy this new telephone number's driving\nme\n\ncrazy -- wrong numbers, every five minutes.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is it?\n\nKRAMER\nWell it's 555-3455.\n\nJERRY\n555-3455.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\n(picks up the phone on the coffee table)\n\"555-3455.\" Well wait a\n\nsecond, don't you see that's 555-FILK.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat's Filk?\n\nJERRY\nFilk's nothing, but 555-FILM is Movie\nPhone.\n\nKRAMER\nOh Movie Phone.\n\nJERRY\nYes, so people are just dialing it by\nmistake and getting you.\n\nKRAMER\nSo, I'm Filk?\n\nJERRY\nYou're Filk.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, Mama.\n\nSusan and Elaine are walking down the sidewalk.\n\nELAINE\nWell what about that number Susan B.\nAnthony wore to the 19th\n\nAmendment party. Hnuh. Eye yye yye.\n\nSUSAN\nOh whoo. Quite the D\u00e8Colletage for a\nsuffragette.\n\nELAINE\nHa, ha, ha, ha, well it must have been\none hell of a party.\n\nSUSAN\nWhoo.\n\nELAINE\nHa, ha, ha, ha.\n\nSUSAN\nOh, I know what I wanted to tell you.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nSUSAN\nEhahh, forget it.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? You can tell me. I'll put it in\nthe vault.\n\nSUSAN\nThe vault?\n\nELAINE\nMm-Hmm.\n\nExterior shot of Physique (Jerry's health club) then inside to\nthe men's\n\nlocker room where Jerry is putting some clothes in a gym bag.\nSome men\n\nare in the background talking.\n\nthe movies with Ramon.\n\nJERRY\nOh, well, I didn't actually go with\nRamon. I just bumped into\n\nhim there. (putting on coat)\n\nyou to cheer him up.\n\nPAUL\nTell him to call us.\n\nDUSTIN\nTell him, Dustin says, \"Hello.\"\n\nJERRY\nAll right, I gotta go.\n\nPAUL\nTo see Ramon?\n\n(Paul, with his eyes wide open looking at Jerry. Dustin stares\noff the\n\nother direction, laughing to himself)\n\nExterior of Jerry's apartment building, then inside Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nWhat else did you two do?\n\nELAINE\nOh, I don't know, you know, girlie stuff.\n\nJERRY\nAh, so, ah, flower shows and, shopping\nfor pretty bows, and then\n\nback to her place, strip down to bra and panties for a tickle\nfight?\n\n(Elaine stands there for a good 6 seconds with arms crossed,\nblank\n\nexpression, just looking at Jerry)\n\nELAINE\nThat's really what you think girls do,\nisn't it?\n\nJERRY\nYes, I do. (very serious)\n\nELAINE\nAll rightee. (turns and walks to the\nbathroom)\n\nJERRY\nHey you know George isn't to happy,\nahh, about your new\n\nfriendship.\n\nELAINE\nYeah? Well I don't really give a Sh...\n(closing the bathroom\n\ndoor)\n\n(Kramer enters and leaves the door open)\n\nKRAMER\nHey man, what's going on?\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\n(Telephone rings)\n\nKRAMER\nOoh, here we go. (pulls a cordless phone\nfrom his pocket) Yeah\n\nhello. Yeah, no, no, no, hold on.\n\n(Kramer walks over to the table, opens the newspaper to the movie\n\nsection)\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, Cupid's Rifle -- 8:30, Sony Lincoln\nSquare. Yeah, no, no,\n\nno, no problem, yeah.\n\n(Kramer hangs up the cordless and pushes the antenna back in,\nputs the\n\nphone in his pocket)\n\nJERRY\nYou're looking up movies for people\nnow?\n\nKRAMER\nI got time.\n\n(Telephone rings)\n\nKRAMER\nAnd this. (pulls out the cordless phone\nfrom his pocket) Cosmo\n\nhere. Yeah, un-huh, no, no, no, no, I'll help. Yeah, Firestorm's\n\ngood. I saw it yesterday. Yeah well my buddy Jerry, ah, he's\nseen it\n\ntwice. You want to talk to him? Here -- (holds the phone out\nto Jerry)\n\nJERRY\n(shaking his head no) No Kramer I don't\nwant to talk to him.\n\n(Jerry is backing away, as Kramer attempt to foist the phone\non to\n\nJerry, but he will not take it -- Kramer continues to try and\nget Jerry\n\nto take the phone from him)\n\nCONTINUITY ERROR -- DURING THIS PART OF THE SCENE, WE CLEARLY\nSEE\n\nKramer's right hand holding the phone, his left hand is empty.\nThis\n\nsequence is shot from several camera angles. At the end of the\n\nsequence, Kramer is holding the folded newspaper in his left\nhand -- he\n\ndid not reach over to pick up the paper -- so this is obviously\na\n\nCONTINUITY ERROR\n\nKRAMER\nJust, just tell him about the picture.\nWhat's the matter with\n\nyou? Stop it. (puts the phone back to his ear) Yes, are you still\n\nshowing.\n\n(Kramer walks out the open door and into his apt. with the newspaper.\n\nElaine walks back into the living room, wondering what just happened,\n\nshe gestures towards Kramer as he exits)\n\n(Intercom buzzes)\n\nJERRY\nOh that's George. (presses the intercom\nbutton) Yeah?\n\nRAMON\n(Hey it's Ramon)\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nRAMON\n(Hey, It's Ramon Jerry. I'm coming up)\n\nJERRY\n(to Ramon) Oh. Okay. (to Elaine) Wh,\nwhat is he doing here?\n\nELAINE\nWho? Who is Ramon?\n\nJERRY\nHe's the pool guy.\n\nELAINE\nWhat pool guy?\n\nJERRY\nDo me a favor. Just stick around while\nhe's here.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, no problem.\n\n----------------------------------------------------\n\nINCONSISTENCY IN REALITY -- RAMON SHOWS UP AT JERRY'S DOOR,\n8 SECONDS\n\nfrom the time when Jerry stops pressing the intercom buzzer.\nEither\n\nRamon would have to run up 5 flights of stairs incredibly fast\n(he does\n\nnot appear out of breath) or those are some very fast elevators.\n\n-- and we know from a Episode 6 The Ex-Girlfriend that Elaine\ncomplains\n\nABOUT THE SLOW ELEVATORS IN JERRY'S APT. BUILDING.\n\nEpisode 6 The Ex-Girlfriend\n\nELAINE\nYou know, you have the slowest elevator\nin the entire city?\n\nThat's hard to get used to when you're in so many other fast\nones.\n\nJERRY\nWell, the apartment elevators are always\nslower than the offices,\n\nbecause you don't have to be home on time.\n\n----------------------------------------------------\n\nRAMON\nHee hey, hey Jerry (claps hands and\npoints both index fingers at\n\nhim) How are you, crazy guy?\n\nJERRY\nHey. So, ah, Ramon this is my friend\nElaine.\n\nELAINE\nYeah and I was just leaving. Bye-bye\nJerry. (smiling as she\n\ncloses the door. Jerry looks at her like he can not believe she\nleft\n\nhim on his own)\n\nJERRY\nSo, ah, what are you doing around here\nRamon?\n\nRAMON\nWell, I was in the neighborhood. I figured\nI'd check you out.\n\nJERRY\nAh, actually, I ka, kinda had some things\nto do.\n\nRAMON\nOh, oh yeah. Wha? Where you going?\n\nJERRY\nAh, just, you know, I don't know. Stuff,\nI gotta do. (grabs coat\n\nand throws it over his shoulder)\n\nRAMON\nHey that's cool. I'm up for some stuff\n\nJERRY\nAll right.\n\n(They head for the door)\n\nMoving subway cars blur by, then inside the subway car where\nJerry sits\n\nnext to Ramon\n\nRAMON\nSo get this. I get down there, and right\naway, I see the drain\n\nis clogged. I mean it's obvious. Can you believe it?\n\nJERRY\nAll right Ramon, I'm going to get going.\n\n(Subway train stops and door opens)\n\nJERRY\nI think we should separate here actually.\n\nRAMON\nWhat are you trying to say Jerry?\n\nJERRY\nLook Ramon, you're, you're a nice guy.\nBut I, I actually only\n\nhave three friends. I really can't handle any more.\n\nRAMON\nOh I see. It's cause I clean pools,\nright?\n\nJERRY\nThat has nothing to do with it.\n\nRAMON\nYou su -- (no audio) (through the moving\nsubway window, Ramon is\n\nswearing and pointing at Jerry)\n\nExterior of George's apartment building then inside his apartment.\n\nSUSAN\nYeah, we got along real well.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, uh, she has no female friends!\nYou know that, don't\n\ncha? Something strange about a woman who's friends are all men.\n\nSUSAN\nYeah, I know. We talked all about that.\n\nGEORGE\nYou talked all about that?\n\nSUSAN\nOh yeah. Elaine opened up her vault.\n\nGEORGE\nDid you just say vault?\n\nSUSAN\nYeah, why? Did I use it wrong?\n\nGEORGE\nYou got that from Elaine.\n\nSUSAN\nYeah. So what?\n\nGEORGE\nWell it's a little strange. You going\nto start to talk like\n\nElaine from now on?\n\nSUSAN\nI don't know. Anyway I thought we'd\nall go to a movie on Friday.\n\nGEORGE\nWe'd all go to movie on Friday?\n\nSUSAN\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nThis is not good. World's are colliding!\nGeorge is getting\n\nupset!\n\n(Commercial)\n\nInside Jerry's apartment -- Jerry sits on the couch listening\nto George.\n\nGEORGE\nAh you have no idea of the magnitude\nof this thing. If she is\n\nallowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you\nknow him,\n\nCeases to Exist! You see, right now, I have Relationship George,\nbut\n\nthere is also Independent George. That's the George you know,\nthe\n\nGeorge you grew up with -- Movie George, Coffee shop George,\nLiar\n\nGeorge, Bawdy George.\n\nJERRY\nI, I love that George.\n\nGEORGE\nMe Too! And he's Dying Jerry! If Relationship\nGeorge walks\n\nthrough this door, he will Kill Independent George! A George,\ndivided\n\nagainst itself, Cannot Stand!\n\n(Elaine enters)\n\nGEORGE\nYou're Killing Independent George! You\nknow that, don't you?\n\nELAINE\nGeorge I don't even want to get --\n\nGEORGE\nYou know what word Susan used last night?\nHnuh. Vault! hu,\n\nhu, hu.\n\nELAINE\nSo?\n\nGEORGE\nShe got that from you!\n\nELAINE\nWell, I didn't tell here to say it.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat is she the only girl in the whole\nworld? Why can't you get\n\nfind your own girl?\n\nELAINE\nI Like Her!\n\nGEORGE\nYou see (to Jerry). You see. You see\nwhat I'm talking about.\n\nIt's all just slipping away. And you're letting it happen. (exits\n--\n\nslamming the door)\n\nJERRY\nSo you want to catch a movie later?\n\nELAINE\nAhh, yeah, sure.\n\nJERRY\nI don't have a paper though.\n\nELAINE\nHmm. (picks up the phone and dials)\n\n(Ring)\n\nKRAMER\nHewwo and welcome to Movie phone. Brought\nto you by the New\n\nYork Times and Hot 97. Coming to theaters this Friday ... Kevin\nBacon,\n\nSusan Sarandon -- \"You've got to get me over that mountain!\"\n\"Now\"\n\n(bang, bang) \"AHHHHHHHHHH\" There is no place higher than ...\nMountain\n\nHigh. Rated R. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to\nsee,\n\npress 1.\n\nELAINE\nKramer, is that you?\n\nKRAMER\nElaine?\n\nELAINE\nUh, what time does Chow Fun start?\n\nKRAMER\nI don't know.\n\nExterior of the Physique health club, then inside to the men's\nlocker\n\nroom.\n\nRAMON\nWell, well. Look who's here.\n\nJERRY\nRamon, what are you doing here? You\ncould get in trouble.\n\nRAMON\nNo, I don't think so Jerry. You see\nthey gave me my job back.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nRAMON\nI'm a pool boy ... again.\n\nJERRY\nLook Ramon, about the other day. I'm\nsorry if I offended you. I\n\nget a little crabby on the subway.\n\nRAMON\nDo you?\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened to all the towels?\n\nRAMON\nOh, ah, I guess they must have disappeared.\n(walks away)\n\n(Newman rushes up to Jerry)\n\nNEWMAN\nHey Jerry. Look at all the towels they\ngave me! I really hit\n\nthe jackpot! (holding a large stack of towels, Newman pats his\nface\n\nwith the top one) Ha, ha, ha.\n\n(Jerry extends his arms, making a vain attempt at a reach for\na towel as\n\nNewman walks away)\n\nExterior of Elaine's building. Elaine and Jerry walk down the\nsteps and\n\non to the sidewalk.\n\nJERRY\nIt's been a terrible situation down\nthere the past couple of\n\ndays. He's really been making things uncomfortable for me. There's\n\nalways a big pile of dirty towels in front of my locker ...\n\nELAINE\nUh-huh.\n\nJERRY\nAnd then when I come out of the pool,\nmy towel's always gone.\n\nELAINE\nUhh, so frustrating!\n\nJERRY\nTell me about it.\n\nELAINE\nUhh, so you want to join me and Susan\nfor lunch at the coffee\n\nshop?\n\nJERRY\nYou're meeting Susan for lunch at the\ncoffee shop?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nI'm meeting George for lunch at the\ncoffee shop.\n\nELAINE\nOh, huh. Well, this should be very interesting.\n\n(Elaine walks off, while Jerry stands there contemplating the\nupcoming\n\nramifications)\n\nElaine and Jerry enter Monk's coffee shop as Susan sits across\nthe booth\n\nfrom Kramer.\n\nSUSAN\nHey! Elaine! Jerry. Over here!\n\nKRAMER\nThere they are.\n\nSUSAN\nYeah, look who I ran into.\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. (sits down next to Susan)\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nAhh.\n\n(Jerry stands a few paces from the booth, looking around for\nGeorge, and\n\nfeeling uncomfortable about the upcoming events)\n\nKRAMER\nCome on Jerry. Aren't you going to join\nus?\n\nJERRY\nAh, you know. I'm supposed to meet,\neh, someone -- I'll, I'll\n\nwait for them outside. (walks towards the door)\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, wait here. Come on, sit down.\nWhat's the matter with\n\nyou?\n\nJERRY\nThis is gonna to be ugly. (quietly)\n\n(Jerry sits down next to Kramer)\n\nSUSAN\nWhat's that Jerry?\n\nJERRY\n(coughing) I said, boy am I ugly.\n\n(George enters the coffee shop)\n\nSUSAN\nOh, hey, hey, Georgie boy, over here.\n\n(George walks in and stops, looking at the four of them sitting\nin the\n\nbooth. He nods his head and extends his arm in acknowledgment,\nnods his\n\nhead again, he lightly claps his hands and walks up to the table)\n\nGEORGE\nOne, two ... three, four.\n\n(extending his arm and counting to Elaine, Susan, Kramer and\nJerry, who\n\nhe puts his hand under Jerry's chin and then makes a fist and\npresses it\n\nto Jerry's cheek)\n\nGEORGE\nHa Ho! (he turns and walks out the door)\n\nSUSAN\nHey George!\n\nJERRY\nWe'll pull up another chair.\n\nExterior of Reggie's diner, then inside where George sits alone\nin a\n\nbooth. He eats in silence. A man sits at the counter, sipping\ncoffee.\n\nExterior shot of the Physique health club, then inside to the\npool.\n\nJerry is swimming while Ramon is cleaning the pool with a large\nsqueegee\n\non a long pole.\n\nJERRY\nI see you there Ramon.\n\n(Ramon jabs a little bit at Jerry with the squeegee)\n\nJERRY\nHey, l'll just keep swimming. Hey, hey.\nI'm not done. I know\n\nwhat you're up to Ramon. Because I'm a member here, this is my\nplace to\n\nswim.\n\n(Ramon pushes the squeegee out into Jerry's swim path -- Jerry\ngrabs the\n\nsqueegee pole and they struggle in a push-pull match)\n\nJERRY\nHey, you better cut it out Ramon. Just\nstop it.\n\n(Ramon loses his balance and Jerry pulls him into the pool)\n\nRAMON\nOh.\n\n(Newman runs towards the pool in one of those old time bathing\nsuits)\n\nNEWMAN\nOlly, olly, oxen, free!\n\n(It looks like Newman tries to do a cannonball into the pool,\nfilmed in\n\nslow motion. Ramon looks up with a stunned look on his face,\nseeing\n\nNewman as he jumps into the pool on top of him.)\n\nJERRY\n(NO!)\n\nCamera fade to Ramon, lying unconscious on the tile pool deck.\nNewman\n\nand Jerry are kneeling over him.\n\nJERRY\nI think he's gonna need, mouth-to-mouth\nresuscitation.\n\nNEWMAN\nMouth-to-mouth?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nNEWMAN\nHuh.\n\nJERRY\nWell? Go ahead.\n\nNEWMAN\nYou go.\n\nJERRY\nYou knocked him out.\n\nNEWMAN\nYeah, but you pulled him in.\n\nJERRY\nCome on Newman. Do it.\n\nNEWMAN\nNah.\n\nJERRY\nHe might die.\n\nNEWMAN\nYeah. Maybe.\n\nNight exterior of George's apartment building, then inside where\nSusan\n\nand Elaine are sitting and talking.\n\nELAINE\n(on the phone to) Look Jerry, we'll\nmeet you at the theater.\n\n00, we can't wait any\n\nlonger.\n\nSUSAN\nElaine, where could he be? It's not\nlike George to just\n\ndisappear.\n\nELAINE\nLook, let's just leave him a note, okay?\n\nSUSAN\nOh, I don't know.\n\nELAINE\nOh, come on, come on, come on. (picks\nup pad of paper and\n\nwrites) \"George, Elaine and I went to see Chunnel ... with Jerry.\"\n\nLove?\n\nSUSAN\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\n\"Love ... Susan.\"\n\nCamera fade to Elaine, Susan and Jerry outside the Paragon movie\n\ntheater. It's night as they wait in line to buy tickets.\n\nJERRY\nSo eventually these people came and,\nsomebody, gave him\n\nmouth-to-mouth.\n\nELAINE\nHe could have died\n\nJERRY\nYeah, it was a gamble.\n\nSUSAN\nWhy didn't you give him mouth-to-mouth?\n\nJERRY\nAh. (makes face)\n\nELAINE\nHow can you possibly show your face\nthere again?\n\nJERRY\nOh I can't. They revoked my membership.\nNewman too. You know,\n\nwe can't go anywhere near there.\n\n(they move up to the ticket window)\n\nELAINE\nHi, ah, three for Chunnel -- two adults\n... one child. (looking\n\ntowards Jerry)\n\nNight exterior of George's apartment building, then inside where\nGeorge\n\nfinds the note.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat the hell is this? \"George, Elaine\nand I went to see\n\nChunnel ... with Jerry.\" With Jerry, huh? With Jerry! Great.\nGreat!\n\n(dials phone) Probably went to the 84th St. That's where I always\ngo\n\nwith Jerry.\n\n(Rings)\n\nKRAMER\nHewwo and welcome to Movie phone. If\nyou know the name of the\n\nmovie you'd like to see, press one.\n\nGEORGE\nCome on. Come on.\n\nKRAMER\nUsing your touch-tone keypad, please\nenter the first three\n\nletters of the movie title, now.\n\n(George presses 3 keys)\n\nKRAMER\nYou've selected ... Agent Zero? If that's\ncorrect, press one.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nAh, you've selected ... Brown-Eyed Girl?\nIf this is correct,\n\npress one.\n\n(George looks baffled)\n\nKRAMER\nWhy don't you just tell me the name\nof the movie you've\n\nselected.\n\nGEORGE\nChunnel?\n\nKRAMER\nTo find the theater nearest you, please\nenter your five digit\n\nzip-code, now.\n\n(George enters his zip-code)\n\nKRAMER\nWhy don't you just tell me where you\nwant to see the movie?\n\nGEORGE\nLowes Paragon, 84th and Broadway.\n\nKRAMER\n(picks up paper) Chunnel, is playing\nat the Paragon 84th Street\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, now I gotcha! (hangs up the phone\nand rushes out the\n\ndoor)\n\nKRAMER\nIt's also playing in theater number\ntwo at 9:00.\n\nNight exterior of United Artists Theater with a busy street in\nthe\n\nforeground -- taxi's drive by. Then inside to a darkened theater,\n\nGeorge, in the isle, searches for Jerry, Elaine and Susan. He's\ntrying\n\nto be quiet and still get their attention.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry ... Where are you? I know you\nlike to sit back here.\n\nElaine! Susan!\n\nMOVIE PATRON\nSHH!\n\n\"The English Channel Tunnel,\n\nChunnel, runs 32.3 miles, with two openings. One here, in England\nand\n\nanother one here, in France. That's all we got. Thank you for\nyour\n\ntime gentlemen. Can I ask you a question Mr. McKittrick.\"\n\n-- it's a bit hard to hear the movie dialogue, as we are supposed\nto be\n\nfocused on George, but I was able to make out most of it)\n\nCut to Susan, Elaine and Jerry watching Chunnel in the theater\nnext\n\ndoor. Jerry is eating popcorn while Elaine sips a drink and eats\na bit\n\nof popcorn\n\nJERRY\nI can't figure out what's going on here.\nI can't follow the\n\nplot. Why did they kill that guy? I thought he was with them?\n\nSUSAN\nNo, no. That's not the guy. That's a\ndifferent guy.\n\n(Susan looks irritated at Jerry and Elaine's talking)\n\nJERRY\nWhat is he doing in the Chunnel?\n\nSUSAN\nWould you two, Please?\n\n(movie voice - clearly it's Larry David's voice) ( Everybody\nout of the\n\nChunnel! Everybody out! )\n\n(Elaine and Jerry stop eating, sink back into their seats and\nlook at\n\neach other, with silent expressions that say \"what is her problem.\")\n\n\"Let me tell you\n\nsomething about the Chunnel, Mr. Thane. That our only freeway\nis\n\nadept. (inaudible) Elaine Brookstone will get the money bag\n\n(inaudible) Not as long as I have these long stickers. Find him\nand\n\nKill him! I don't care if we have to turn this Chunnel upside\ndown!\n\nFind Him! Everybody out of the Chunnel! Everybody out! The Chunnel's\n\ngonna blow! AHHHHHH (Explosion)\"\n\nTHIS TIME IT'S REALLY TOUGH TO MAKE ALL OF IT OUT, SO THERE\nARE SOME\n\ninaudible parts, but I tried to pick up most of it)\n\nback to George in the other theater. He stands at the front of\nthe\n\ntheater, the movie screen behind and above him. He is still trying\nto\n\nfind Jerry, Elaine and Susan.\n\nGEORGE\nSusan! Jerry! Where are you? I know\nyou're there! Answer me!\n\nMOVIE PATRON\n(Hey, sit down!)\n\nGEORGE\nHey. Hey. Answer me! Come on, show yourselves!\n\nMOVIE PATRON\n(Hey, we're trying to watch a movie\nhere!)\n\nGEORGE\nDrink your soda! Come on! I know you're\nthere, laughing at\n\nme. Laughing and lying and laughing! I had to go to Reggies,\nJerry!\n\nReggies!\n\nMOVIE PATRON\n(Move it off of there!)\n\nGEORGE\nWhere are you!\n\n2ND MOVIE PATRON\n(Hey are you sure you got the right\ntheater?)\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, yeah, yeah. Chunnel. Susan!\n\n2ND MOVIE PATRON\n(It's playing in two theaters.)\n\nGEORGE\nTwo theaters?\n\n2ND MOVIE PATRON\n(Yeah, there's a 9:00 too.)\n\nGEORGE\nOh. Sorry.\n\n(A large bucket of popcorn is thrown at George. He tries to deflect\nit,\n\nbut the popcorn flies all over)\n\n\"There's something\n\nelse, your ex-wife. Alexandra? She's in France, I'm telling ya.\nNo,\n\nshe's in the Chunnel. The Chunnel? No! Mr. President, I'm sorry\nto\n\ndisturb you. What is it? There's something about the Chunnel.\nOh?\"\n\n(inaudible) And that means your daughter is in the Chunnel. Somewhere\n\nbetween France and ... (inaudible)\"\n\nAGAIN, IT'S REALLY TOUGH TO MAKE ALL OF IT OUT, SO THERE ARE\nSOME\n\ninaudible parts, but I tried to pick up most of it)\n\nElaine, Susan and Jerry exit the theater.\n\nELAINE\nI thought that was pretty good, huh?\n\nJERRY\nWha'd you think Susan?\n\nSUSAN\nOh, I don't know. I couldn't hear anything.\nYou, you talked the\n\nwhole movie.\n\nELAINE\nOh, well come on. You want to go grab\na bite to eat?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nSUSAN\nAh, no. I don't think so.\n\nELAINE\nWhy not?\n\nSUSAN\nWell you know, all you guys ever do\nis sit around the coffee shop\n\ntalking, sit around Jerry's apartment talking. Frankly, I don't\nknow\n\nhow you can stand it. I'll see you.\n\n(Susan turns to walk away, but stops and looks at George being\nescorted\n\nout of the theater by two ushers. He struggles to try and stay\ninside\n\nthe theater, but they forcefully remove him. Jerry, Elaine and\nSusan\n\nwatch as George it escorted out -- he does not see the three\nof them\n\nstanding there.)\n\nGEORGE\nI know they're in there, the three of\nthem, laughing at me.\n\nTogether, laughing and lying.\n\nUSHER\nLet's go pal.\n\nGEORGE\nThey're -- They're killing independent\nGeorge! And they're,\n\nthey're all in on it! World's are colliding!\n\n(Camera freeze on George with the two ushers -- and into commercial)\nhis hand knocks 3 times on the door.\n\nMOVIE PHONE GUY\nHello, and welcome to your worst nightmare.\n\n(Kramer, sitting on the couch, reading the paper and eating cereal\nis obviously startled by the voice at his door)\n\nMOVIE PHONE GUY\n(con't) I know your in there, Cosmo\nKramer, Apartment 5B.\n\nYou're in big trouble, Now. You've been sealing my business.\nIf you'd like to do this the easy way, open the door, Now. Or, please\nselect the number of seconds, you'd like to wait, before I break\nthis door down. Please select Now.\n\n(as the Movie Phone Guy talks, Kramer slides off the couch and\nducks down under the coffee table, then pops back up with a dazed look.)\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Sponge.html",
    "text": "THE SPONGE\n\nWritten by\n\nPeter Mehlman\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nI have a friend, wears eyeglasses, no\nprescription in the glasses because\nhe thinks it makes him look more intelligent,\nnow why? Why do we think that glasses\nmakes us look more intelligent? Is it\nfrom the endless hours of reading and\nstudying and researching that this person\nsupposedly blew out their eyeballs,\nand that's why they need the glasses?\nIt's just a corrective device. If you\nsee someone with a hearing aid, you\ndon't think, 'Oh, they must have been\nlistening real good...yeah, to a lot\nof important stuff...' No, they are\ndeaf. They can't hear.\n\n(Jerry and Elaine in a booth at Monk's. Kramer comes over from\nthe counter with a clipboard in his hand)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, boys and girls. I need you both\nto sponsor me in the AIDS walk.\n\nELAINE\nIs that tomorrow?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah, so...git-git...(gestures\nto Elaine to sign the form.)\n\nELAINE\nWell, I admire you for joining the fight\nagainst AIDS.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, if I didn't do something I wouldn't\nbe able to live with myself.\n\nJERRY\nIt's hard enough living next door.\n\nKRAMER\nI tell ya, there's some people, they\njust wear a ribbon and they think they're\ndoin' something? Not me. I talk the\ntalk, and I walk the walk, baby. (gets\nup) I'll be right back.\n\n(Jerry stands up and gets a bottle of ketchup from the next table.)\n\nELAINE\nNew jeans?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nStill a 31 waist?\n\nJERRY\nYep. Since college. (Looks at Kramer's\nAIDS walk list.) Hey, Lena Small's on\nthis list.\n\nELAINE\nLena Small?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, that girl I was gonna call for\na date, she was unlisted...and now here's\nher number.\n\nELAINE\nOh, you're not gonna cop a girl's phone\nnumber off an AIDS charity list!\n\nJERRY\nElaine, you should admire me...I'm aspiring\nto date a giving person.\n\nELAINE\nYou're a taking person.\n\nJERRY\nThat's why I should date a giving person.\nIf I date a taking person, everyone's\ntaking, taking, taking, no one's giving\n- it's bedlam.\n\nELAINE\nShe's gonna ask how you got her number.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I'll tell her I met some guy who\nknew her and he gave it to me.\n\nELAINE\nWhat's he look like?\n\nJERRY\nI really didn't pay much attention,\nI'd just come from buying a speedboat.\n\nELAINE\nYou're buying a speedboat?\n\nJERRY\nSee, we're already off the subject of\nhow I got her number. (Elaine laughs.)\nAll I gotta do is get past the first\nphone call and I'm home free.\n\nELAINE\nI don't know about that.\n\nJERRY\nSo if Billy had gotten your number off\nthe AIDS walk list, you wouldn't have\ngone out with him?\n\nELAINE\nWell...\n\nJERRY\nYeah. So you really like this guy.\n\nELAINE\nVery much.\n\nJERRY\nHow's the...sexual chemistry?\n\nELAINE\nHaven't been in the lab yet. But I am\nbirth control shopping today. (Kramer\noverhears as he returns to the booth.)\n\nKRAMER\nAre you still on the pill?\n\nELAINE\nUh, Kramer...\n\nKRAMER\nI'll tell ya, I think birth control\nshould be discussed in an open forum.\n\nELAINE\nThe sponge, o.k.? The Today sponge.\n\nKRAMER\nBut wasn't that taken off the market?\n\nELAINE\nOff the market? The sponge? No, no...no\nway. Everybody loves the sponge.\n\nKRAMER\nI read it in Wall Street Week...Louis,\nuh, Rukeyser.\n\n(Elaine laughs.)\n\n(Jerry on the phone in his apartment)\n\nJERRY\nHello, Lena? Hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld.\nHow did I get your number? I met a guy\nthat knows you, he gave it to me...I\ndon't remember his name. Think it began\nwith a W, maybe a Q. I wasn't paying\nthat much attention, I'd just come from\nshopping for a speedboat...\n\nGeorge and Susan in George's car.\n\nSUSAN\nYou know, I really like those new jeans\nJerry was wearing. He's really thin.\n\nGEORGE\nNot as thin as you think.\n\nSUSAN\nWhy? He's a 31. I saw the tag on the\nback.\n\nGEORGE\nThe tag, huh?\n\nSUSAN\nMmm-hmm.\n\nGEORGE\nLet me tell you something about that\ntag. It's no 31, and uh...let's just\nleave it at that.\n\nSUSAN\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nGEORGE\nHe scratches off a 32 and he puts in\n31.\n\nSUSAN\nOh, how could he be so vain?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, this is the Jerry Seinfeld that\nonly I know. I can't believe I just\ntold you that.\n\nSUSAN\nWhy not?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, Jerry doesn't want anyone to know.\n\nSUSAN\nWell, it's alright, I'm your fiance.\nEveryone assumes you'll tell me everything.\n\nGEORGE\nWhere did you get that from?\n\nSUSAN\nWell, we're a couple. It's understood.\n\nGEORGE\nI never heard of that.\n\nSUSAN\nWell, you've never been a couple.\n\nGEORGE\nI've coupled! I've coupled!\n\nSUSAN\nKeeping secrets! This is just like your\nsecret bank code.\n\nGEORGE\nThis is totally different! That was\nmy secret, this is Jerry's secret! There's...there's\nattorney-client priveleges here! If\nI play it by your rule, no one'll ever\nconfide in me again, I'll be cut out\nof the loop!\n\nGeorge arrives at Jerry's apartment.\n\nGEORGE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey. What's the matter?\n\nGEORGE\nI had a fight with Susan.\n\nJERRY\nWhat about?\n\nGEORGE\nOh...(is about to tell Jerry, but reconsiders)\n...clothing, something, I dunno. So,\nuh, what are you doing today?\n\nJERRY\nI got a date with that girl, Lena.\n\nGEORGE\nLena, how'd you meet her?\n\nJERRY\nI actually met her a few weeks ago,\nbut... (Jerry stops, and mentally visualizes\nGeorge telling Susan about how Jerry\ngot Lena's number from the AIDS list...then\nSusan passing the information along\nto Monica on the phone at work.)\n\nGEORGE\nYou met her a few weeks ago, but...?\n\nJERRY\nI didn't call her till today.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, uh...wanna double?\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I just had a fight - I need a\ngroup dynamic.\n\nJERRY\nI dunno. (Elaine enters.) Hey.\n\nELAINE\nWell, Kramer was right. My friend Kim\ntold me the sponge is off the market.\n\nJERRY\nSo what are you gonna do?\n\nELAINE\nI'll tell you what I'm gonna do - I'm\ngonna do a hard-target search. Of every\ndrug store, general store, health store\nand grocery store in a 25-block radius.\n\nGEORGE\nJust for these sponges?\n\nELAINE\nHey man, women are really loyal to their\nbirth control methods. What does Susan\nuse?\n\nGEORGE\nI dunno.\n\nELAINE\nYou don't know?\n\nGEORGE\nI, uh...figure it's something. (Kramer\nenters.)\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you all out of breath from?\n\nKRAMER\nThe elevator just broke. I had to walk\nup five flights.\n\nJERRY\nAnd you got the AIDS walk tomorrow.\nYou're never gonna make it, you're in\nhorrible shape.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, I'm in tip-top shape. Better than\nyou!\n\nJERRY\nI got a 31 waist, mister!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well I'm walking for charity,\nwhat are you doing?\n\nJERRY\nWhat am I doing? I'm...dating a woman\nwho happens to be sponsoring one of\nthese walkers.\n\na musical montage of Elaine's \"hard-target search\" - visiting\nstores and pharmacies all over town and not finding a sponge\nanywhere. She ends up at the Pasteur Pharmacy.\n\nPHARMACIST\nCan I help you?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, do you have any Today sponges?\nI know they're off the market, but...\n\nPHARMACIST\nActually, we have a case left.\n\nELAINE\nA case! A case of sponges? I mean, uh...a\ncase. Huh. Uh...how many come in a case?\n\nPHARMACIST\nSixty.\n\nELAINE\nSixty?! Uh...well, I'll take three.\n\nPHARMACIST\nThree.\n\nELAINE\nMake it ten.\n\nPHARMACIST\nTen?\n\nELAINE\nTwenty sponges should be plenty.\n\nPHARMACIST\nDid you say twenty?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, twenty-five sponges is just fine.\n\nPHARMACIST\nRight. So, you're set with twenty-five.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. Just give me the whole case and\nI'll be on my way.\n\nJerry and Lena having dinner in a restaurant with George and\nSusan.\n\nJERRY\nHey, I have found the best-smelling\ndetergent. Lena, smell my shirt.\n\nLENA\nMmm! Very nice.\n\nJERRY\nIt's All-Tempa-Cheer.\n\nLENA\nI use Planet. It's bio-degradable and\ndoesn't pollute the oceans.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, the oceans really are getting\nvery sudsy.\n\nLENA\nCan you wrap up all the left-overs on\nthe table, please? I always take the\nleft-overs. I work in a soup kitchen\nevery morning at 6 a.m.\n\nJERRY\nThey serve soup at 6 a.m.?\n\nLENA\nYeah. That's all they have.\n\nJERRY\nDo the bums ever complain? \"Soup again?\"\n\nGEORGE\nI'd get tired of it.\n\nJERRY\nHow could you not?\n\nLENA\nGuess who volunteered last week?\n\nGEORGE\nMick Jagger.\n\nLENA\nNo. Maya Angelou.\n\nSUSAN\nOh, the poet!\n\nJERRY\nSo, let me ask you something - these\npeople eat soup three times a day?\n\nLENA\nI don't know.\n\nSUSAN\nSo, did you get to talk to her?\n\nLENA\nTalk to who?\n\nJERRY\nIs it a lot of cream soups?\n\nSUSAN\nMaya Angelou, the poet.\n\nLENA\nNo, I didn't get the chance.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, well, I'm sure you can reach her...she's\na poet. What does a poet need an unlisted\nnumber for?\n\n(Jerry gives George a surprised look. George looks back, puzzled.)\n\nSUSAN\nI'm going to the ladies room.\n\nLENA\nI'll go with you. (They leave.)\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you looking at me like that\nfor?\n\nJERRY\nWhy'd you have to mention 'unlisted\nnumber'?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nJERRY\nAlright, I gotta tell you something,\nbut you cannot tell Susan.\n\n(George's interest is peaked.)\n\nGeorge and Susan in the car on the way home.\n\nSUSAN\nJerry got her phone number off of an\nAIDS walk list? Oh, that's awful!\n\nGEORGE\nI know, but don't say anything to anyone.\nHe told me not to tell you.\n\nSUSAN\nBut you told me anyway?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, you know, I was thinking about\nwhat you said before, and...you're right,\nI've never really been a couple, so...if\nthat's the rule, then I'm gonna go by\nthe rule.\n\nSUSAN\nThank you, honey.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, you wanna go home and...make up,\nofficially?\n\nSUSAN\nCan we stop by a drug store first?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat for?\n\nSUSAN\nI'm out of birth control stuff.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, o.k., yeah. Where am I gonna park\nhere...? (Pulls over.)\n\nSUSAN\nOh, don't park. I'll just sit in the\ncar, you can run in.\n\nGEORGE\nMe run in? Why don't you run in?\n\nSUSAN\nYou don't know what I use for birth\ncontrol, do you?\n\nGEORGE\nOf course I do.\n\nSUSAN\nYou do? What?\n\nGEORGE\nYou know. You use the, uh...(mutters\nsomething unintelligible under his breath.)\n\nSUSAN\nThe what?\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, the uh...(mutters it again.)\n\nSUSAN\nJust get me some sponges, please.\n\nGEORGE\nWait, wait a minute...they don't have\nthem anymore. I just found out, they\njust took them off the market.\n\nSUSAN\nOff the market? The sponge?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, so you gotta use something else.\n\nSUSAN\nI can't! I love the sponge! I need the\nsponge!\n\nGEORGE\nO.k....(thinks) I think I know where\nwe can get one.\n\nJerry approaching his apartment door. He hears the sound of a\nloud group of people from inside Kramer's place. He knocks on\nKramer's door. Kramer answers.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, what the hell is going on in\nthere?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's a poker game...(yells to the crowd)\nAnd I'm kickin' some serious butt!\n\nJERRY\nAre you out of your mind? You got the\nAIDS walk tomorrow!\n\nKRAMER\nOh, you gotta be kiddin'! You see those\ntwo ladies I got showin'? Do they look\nscared?!\n\nJERRY\nYou're never gonna make it!\n\n(Kramer giggles and returns to the game.)\n\nElaine and Billy in Elaine's apartment, kissing passionately\non the sofa.\n\nBILLY\nYou, uh...you wanna go in the bedroom?\n\nELAINE\nO.k. Hold on just a second. (Gets up\nand heads to the bathroom. George knocks\nat the door.)\n\nGEORGE\nElaine? It's me, George. (Elaine opens\nthe door.) Hey, sorry to bother you\nso late. (To Billy) Hey! How ya doin.'\n(To Elaine) Uh, did you get any of those\nsponges?\n\nELAINE\nYeah. Cleaned out the whole west side.\nWhy?\n\nGEORGE\nWell...Susan.\n\nELAINE\nAh, Susan uses the sponge.\n\nGEORGE\nSusan loves the sponge.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I'm sorry, George. I can't help\nyou out.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nI can't do it. No way, there's no how.\n(Tries to push George out the door.\nGeorge resists.)\n\nGEORGE\nElaine...let me just explain something\nto you. See, this is not just a weekend\nroutine...I'm on the verge of make-up\nsex here. You know about make-up sex?\n\nELAINE\nOh yeah, I know all about make-up sex,\nand I'm really sorry. (Shoves George\ninto the hallway and closes the door.\nGeorge blocks the door with his foot.)\n\nGEORGE\nElaine, can I just explain something\nto you very privately here? Susan and\nI have been together many, many times\nnow, and just between you and me, there's\nreally no big surprises here, so...make-up\nsex is all that I have left.\n\nELAINE\nI'm sure you'll have another fight,\nGeorge. (Stamps on George's foot and\ncloses the door.) (To Billy) Hold that\nthought!\n\n(Elaine goes into the bathroom for a sponge, but then stops and\nreconsiders.)\n\nSusan talking on the phone with Monica.\n\nSUSAN\nSo, listen to this. But don't tell anyone\n- Jerry Seinfeld? He got a woman's number\noff an AIDS walk list.\n\n(Cut to Monica at home talking on the phone with Susan.)\n\nMONICA\nHe got her number off an AIDS walk list?\n\n(Cut to Lena at home talking on the phone with Monica.)\n\nLENA\nHe what?\n\nCommercial break.\n\nJerry and Lena in Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nHow'd you find out?\n\nLENA\nA friend of a friend of a friend of\nSusan's.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge!\n\nLENA\nPardon?\n\nJERRY\nNothing. Listen, I'm sorry, I just -\n\nLENA\nIt's o.k.! There's nothing to be sorry\nabout. I don't mind.\n\nJERRY\nYou don't mind that I got your number\noff the AIDS walk list?\n\nLENA\nNo, not at all. No problem. (Jerry looks\nat Lena suspiciously. Lena leaves with\nall of Kramer's poker buddies, who are\nfiling out of Kramer's apartment.)\n\nKRAMER\nAh, you're lucky you're walkin' out\nof here with a pair of pants on!\n\nJERRY\nYou went all night?\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, ah? Breakfast on me, huh?\n\nJERRY\nKramer, are you out of your mind? You\ngot the AIDS walk in like, three hours!\nYou're never gonna make it!\n\nKRAMER\nAIDS walk! That's a cake walk. (George\nenters.) Hey!\n\nJERRY\nSo, George, guess what? Lena found out\nhow I got her number.\n\nGEORGE\nReally? How'd she do that?\n\nJERRY\nA friend of a friend of Susan's.\n\nGEORGE\nMy Susan?\n\nJERRY\nWhy'd you tell her?!\n\nGEORGE\nBecause, Jerry, it's a couple rule!\nWe have to tell each other everything!\n\nJERRY\nWell you know what this means, don't\nyou?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\n//tinyurl.com/2b9c width=200 )\n\nJERRY\nYou're cut off, you're out of the loop!\n\nGEORGE\nYou're cutting me off? No, no, no Jerry,\ndon't cut me off!\n\nJERRY\nYou leave me no choice! You're the media\nnow as far as I'm concerned!\n\nGEORGE\nC'mon Jerry, please! It won't happen\nagain.\n\nJERRY\nIf you were in the mafia, would you\ntell her every time you killed someone?\n\nGEORGE\nHey, a \"hit\" is a totally different\nstory.\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, George.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, Lena was upset, huh?\n\nJERRY\nYou know what? That was the amazing\nthing.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, it didn't bother her?\n\nJERRY\nNo, she said it was fine. There's something\nvery strange about this girl.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nShe's too good.\n\nGEORGE\nToo good...\n\nJERRY\nI mean, she's giving and caring and\ngenuinely concerned about the welfare\nof others - I can't be with someone\nlike that!\n\nGEORGE\nI see what you mean.\n\nJERRY\nI mean, I admire the hell out of her.\nYou can't have sex with someone you\nadmire.\n\nGEORGE\nWhere's the depravity?\n\nJERRY\nNo depravity! I mean, I look at her,\nI can't imagine she even has sex.\n\n(Elaine enters.)\n\nJERRY\nOn the other hand...\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nThanks again for last night!\n\nELAINE\nHey, I didn't even use one.\n\nJERRY\nI thought you said it was imminent.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, it was, but then I just couldn't\ndecide if he was really sponge-worthy.\n\nJERRY\nSponge-worthy?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, Jerry, I have to conserve these\nsponges.\n\nJERRY\nBut you like this guy, isn't that what\nthe sponges are for?\n\nELAINE\nYes, yes - before they went off the\nmarket. I mean, now I've got to re-evaluate\nmy whole screening process. I can't\nafford to waste any of 'em.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, you're nuts with these sponges.\nGeorge is gettin' frustrated!\n\nKramer signing in at the AIDS walk.\n\nKRAMER\nUh, Cosmo Kramer?\n\nORGANIZER\nUh...o.k., you're checked in. Here's\nyour AIDS ribbon.\n\nKRAMER\nUh, no thanks.\n\nORGANIZER\nYou don't want to wear an AIDS ribbon?\n\nKRAMER\nNo.\n\nORGANIZER\nBut you have to wear an AIDS ribbon.\n\nKRAMER\nI have to?\n\nORGANIZER\nYes.\n\nKRAMER\nSee, that's why I don't want to.\n\nORGANIZER\nBut everyone wears the ribbon. You must\nwear the ribbon!\n\nKRAMER\nYou know what you are? You're a ribbon\nbully. (Walks away.)\n\nORGANIZER\nHey you! Come back here! Come back here\nand put this on!\n\nGeorge and Susan in a booth at the coffee shop.\n\nGEORGE\nElaine and her sponges...she's got like,\na war chest full of them.\n\nSUSAN\nWell, I don't see why you just can't\nuse condoms.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, no, no...condoms are for single\nmen. The day that we got engaged, I\nsaid goodbye to the condom forever.\n\nSUSAN\nJust once...for the make-up sex.\n\nGEORGE\nMake-up sex? You have to have that right\nafter the fight, we're way past that.\n\nSUSAN\nCome on, just once?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no...I hate the condom.\n\nSUSAN\nWhy?\n\nGEORGE\nI can never get the package open in\ntime.\n\nSUSAN\nWell, you just tear it open.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's not that easy. It's like \"Beat\nThe Clock,\" there's a lot of pressure\nthere.\n\nKramer in the AIDS walk.\n\nWALKER #1\nHey, where's your ribbon?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I don't wear the ribbon.\n\nWALKER #2\nOh, you don't wear the ribbon? Aren't\nyou against AIDS?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I'm against AIDS. I mean, I'm\nwalking, aren't I? I just don't wear\nthe ribbon.\n\nWALKER #3\nWho do you think you are?\n\nWALKER #1\nPut the ribbon on!\n\nWALKER #2\nHey, Cedric! Bob! This guy won't wear\na ribbon! (Cedric and Bob turn around\nand glare at Kramer.)\n\nBOB\nWho? Who does not want to wear the ribbon?\n(Kramer is frightened.)\n\nElaine and Billy in her apartment.\n\nELAINE\nSo, you think you're sponge-worthy?\n\nBILLY\nYes, I think I'm sponge-worthy. I think\nI'm very sponge-worthy.\n\nELAINE\nRun down your case for me again...?\n\nBILLY\nWell, we've gone out several times,\nwe obviously have a good rapport. I\nown a very profitable electronics distributing\nfirm. I eat well. I exercise. Blood\ntests - immaculate. And if I can speak\nfrankly, I'm actually quite good at\nit.\n\nELAINE\nYou going to do something about your\nsideburns?\n\nBILLY\nYeah, I told you...I'm going to trim\nmy sideburns.\n\nELAINE\nAnd the bathroom in your apartment?\n\nBILLY\nCleaned it this morning.\n\nELAINE\nThe sink, the tub, everything got cleaned?\n\nBILLY\nEverything, yeah. It's spotless.\n\nELAINE\nAlright, let's go. (They head for the\nbedroom.)\n\nJerry arrives at Lena's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nHi.\n\nLENA\nHi! Hey, look at this - I just got a\ncitation in the mail for my work with\nshut-ins.\n\nJERRY\nOh, the shut-ins, that's nice. You know,\nthey're a very eccentric group. Because\nthey're shut in. Of course, they're\nnot locked in, they're free to go at\nanytime.\n\nLENA\nOh, by the way, I checked at the soup\nkitchen - they do have cream soups.\n\nJERRY\nHey, that's dynamite. You know, Lena,\nI wanted to talk to you about something...you\nknow, because you're such a good person\n-\n\nLENA\nOh, hang onto that thought - I'm rinsing\na sweater, I left the water running.\n(Goes into the bathroom.) Hey, Jerry,\ncan you get me a towel out of my bedroom\ncloset?\n\nJERRY\nOh, o.k. (Goes to the closet for the\ntowel and finds dozens of boxes of Today\nsponges.)\n\nJERRY'S BRAIN\nOh my god! Look what's goin' on here!\nShe is depraved! (Grabs a towel and\nbrings it to Lena.) There you are.\n\nLENA\nThanks. So, you were saying...?\n\nJERRY\nWhat? Nothing.\n\nLENA\nNo, you said I was a good person...\n\nJERRY\nOh...\n\nLENA\nYou seem like you want to tell me something.\n\nJERRY\nTell you something...I do.\n\nLENA\nWhat is it, Jerry? You can tell me anything.\n\nJERRY\nOh, uh...you see these jeans I'm wearing?\n\nLENA\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nI change the 32 waist on the label to\na 31 on all my jeans. So, you know.\nThat's it. (Lena is puzzled.)\n\nGeorge and Susan in bed. We see George's hands struggling to\nopen a condom wrapper.\n\nSUSAN\nCome on, George, just tear it open.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm trying, dammit.\n\nSUSAN\nTear it.\n\nGEORGE\nI tried to tear it from the side, you\ncan't get a good grip here. You gotta\ndo it like a bag of chips.\n\nSUSAN\nHere give it to me.\n\nGEORGE\nWould you wait a second? Just wait?\n(They fight over it.)\n\nSUSAN\nGive it to me. (She rips it open.) Come\non. Come on!\n\nGEORGE\nIt's too late.\n\nKramer surrounded by Cedric, Bob, and the other walkers.\n\nBOB\nSo! What's it going to be? Are you going\nto wear the ribbon?\n\nKRAMER\nNo! Never.\n\nBOB\nBut I am wearing the ribbon. He is wearing\nthe ribbon. We are all wearing the ribbon!\nSo why aren't you going to wear the\nribbon!?\n\nKRAMER\nThis is America! I don't have to wear\nanything I don't want to wear!\n\nCEDRIC\nWhat are we gonna do with him?\n\nBOB\nI guess we are just going to have to\nteach him to wear the ribbon!\n\n(Kramer tries to climb up a fire escape, but the mob grabs him\nand pulls him back down. Kramer screams.)\n\nJerry and George waiting for Kramer at the finish line.\n\nJERRY\nIt completely turned her off.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I can see that. What do you have\nto do that for? Who cares about your\npants size?\n\nJERRY\nI don't wanna be a 32.\n\nGEORGE\nI'd kill to be a 32.\n\nJERRY\nShe said I wasn't sponge-worthy. Wouldn't\nwaste a sponge on me!\n\nGEORGE\nThat condom killed me. Why do they have\nto make the wrappers on those things\nso hard to open?\n\nJERRY\nIt's probably so the woman has one last\nchance to change her mind.\n\nGEORGE\nYou never run out, do you? (Jerry smiles.)\nWhere's Kramer? Everything's finished\nhere.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I told him he'd never make it. He\nwas up all night! Oh my god...Kramer?\n\n(They see Kramer staggering towards them with cuts and bruises,\nclothes torn, one shoe off. He collapses and crawls across the\nfinish line.)\n\nJERRY\nLook at you. I told you. Up all night\nplaying poker. Come on. (Jerry and George\nare about to leave. George turn's back\nand looks at Kramer.)\n\nGEORGE\nHey, where's you AIDS ribbon?\n\n(Kramer looks at George unbelievingly.)\n\nElaine and Billy in bed the next morning.\n\nELAINE\nGood morning.\n\nBILLY\nHow'd you sleep?\n\nELAINE\nGreat. You?\n\nBILLY\nFine, fine. Everything o.k.?\n\nELAINE\nYep.\n\nBILLY\nNo regrets?\n\nELAINE\nNope. (Billy leans in to kiss her.)\nWhat are you doing?\n\nBILLY\nWhat do you mean?\n\nELAINE\nOh...I don't think so.\n\nBILLY\nWhy not? I thought you said everything\nwas fine.\n\nELAINE\nI wish I could help you, but I can't\nafford two of 'em. (Pats Billy on the\nshoulder and gets out of bed.)\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Gum.html",
    "text": "THE GUM\n\nWritten by\n\nTom Gammill & Max Pross\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\n(unwrapping a piece of gum) I think\ngum is, is one of the weirdest human\ninventions. (pops gum in his mouth)\nIt's not a liquid, 's not a solid, 's\nnot a food. What is it? It isn't really\nanything, you know. I mean, it's like\na stationary bike for your jaw. Like,\nremember when you were in school, and\nteachers would get all riled up if they\ncaught you with gum? And when you were\na kid, you'd think 'What is the big\ndeal?' But, as an adult, I can understand\nit, because when you're chewing gum,\nyou don't look like you're too thrilled\nwith anything anyone has to say. (as\nsarcastic teen) 'Oh, World War Two.\nThat was an important historical event?\nYeah, I'm sure.' 'They landed a man\non the moon, nineteen sixty-nine? Yeah,\nright. Yeah, I buy that, teach.'\n\n(Monk's)\n\n(Jerry and George sitting in a booth, much as usual)\n\nGEORGE\nYou think she's happy?\n\nJERRY\nWho?\n\nGEORGE\n(indicates with his head) The cashier.\n\nJERRY\nRuthie Cohen?\n\nGEORGE\n(surprised) You know her name?\n\nJERRY\nSure.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't think I've ever spoken to her.\n\nJERRY\nMaybe that's why she's happy.\n\n(Kramer enters. He has a handful of flyers)\n\nKRAMER\n(handing Jerry & George a flyer) Good\nmorning, gentlemen.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is this?\n\nKRAMER\n(removing his coat) Yeah, well, it's\nthe latest offering from the Alex\n\n(Theatre)\n\nJERRY\nThat stinky old movie-house?\n\nKRAMER\n(sits beside Jerry) Well, you should\nsmell it now. We fixed up the place.\n\nGEORGE\n(gesturing with flyer) With Spartacus?\n\nKRAMER\n(lighting his pipe) Well, it's a rare\narchival print. (jumps as his burns\nhis fingers) Twelve extra minutes, full\nwide-screen CinemaScope, and if you\ncome to the one o'clock show, you can\nhear Geoffrey Har-harwood.\n\nJERRY\nGeoffrey who?\n\nKRAMER\nHar-harwood, Jerry. He was the assistant\nwardrobe man on Spartacus. Some fascinating\ninsights into the production.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy would I spend seven dollars to see\na movie that I could watch on TV?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, why go to a fine restaurant, when\nyou can just stick something in the\nmicrowave? Why go to the park and fly\na kite, when you can just pop a pill?\n(looks around Monk's) Listen, you guys\nhaven't seen Lloyd Braun, have you?\nI'm supposed to meet him here.\n\nGEORGE\nLloyd Braun? What d'you have to meet\nhim for?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, he's using his connections in\nthe Mayor's office, to uh, get the theatre\nlandmark status.\n\nJERRY\nI thought he screwed up the Dinkins\ncampaign.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, he did. You know, after that,\nhe had a nervous breakdown? Had to spend\na few months in an institution.\n\nGEORGE\nReally?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, but he's doing a lot better now.\nI've taken him under my wing.\n\nJERRY\nOh, then I'm not worried.\n\nLloyd Braun enters in the background.\n\nKRAMER\nBut he still needs all of our support.\nNow, when he gets here treat him like\nhe's one of the gang, huh.\n\nLloyd wanders toward the guys at the table.\n\nGEORGE\n(thoughtful) Breakdown, huh?\n\nLLOYD\nHey Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, hey Lloyd, hey buddy. (gets up and\nshakes Lloyd's hand)\n\nLLOYD\nHow you doing?\n\nKRAMER\n(slaps Lloyd on the shoulder) Sit down.\n(sits himself)\n\nLLOYD\nHi Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nLloyd.\n\nLLOYD\nGeorge.\n\nLloyd sits beside George.\n\nGEORGE\nHello, Lloyd. How you doing?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah well, he's doing fine, George.\n\nLLOYD\n(offering packet) Gum?\n\nJERRY\n(peering) That's an interesting package.\n\nLLOYD\nYeah, it's from China. Go ahead, try\na piece. Tell me that's not the most\ndelicious gum you've ever tasted.\n\nKRAMER\nYes, yes. We shall all try a piece and\ntell you how delicious it is. (he takes\npieces for himself and Jerry)\n\nLLOYD\nGeorge?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't chew gum.\n\nJERRY\n(chewing) Mmm, different. Where'd you\nget it?\n\nLLOYD\nFriend of mine in Chinatown gave it\nto me. If you want I can ask him where\nhe got it.\n\nJERRY\nNah, don't bother.\n\nLLOYD\nNo, it's no problem.\n\nJERRY\nI don't want it.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, Jerry. Lloyd says it's no problem.\nHe's capable of locating the gum.\n\nJERRY\nAlright.\n\nKRAMER\nMmm, delicious. This is delicious. Mmm.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nGeorge sits at the table examining the contents of his wallet.\nJerry is still chewing and by his face, he's not enjoying it.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know what? I think this Ruthie Cohen\ngave me the wrong change.\n\nDidn't I pay with a twenty? I'm sure I paid with a twenty.\n\nElaine enters.\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nGEORGE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nI think I finally figured out what the\nflavor is in this gum. It's a little\nlo-mein-y (he spits it into the waste\nbin)\n\nELAINE\nWhat kind is that?\n\nJERRY\nIt's Chinese gum, Lloyd Braun gave me.\n\nELAINE\nLloyd Braun? How's he doing?\n\nGEORGE\n(almost gleeful) After Dinkins lost\nthe election, he had a complete nervous\nbreakdown. They had to lock him up.\n\nELAINE\nYou know, that's around the same time\nI broke up with Lloyd. Y... you don't\nthink that I had anything to do with\nhis breakdown, do you?\n\nJERRY\nYou know, I remember when we parted\ncompany, I was babbling incoherently\nfor months.\n\nELAINE\nYeah? Well, I got news for you.\n\nGEORGE\nThe whole time that I was growing up,\nall I ever heard from my mother was\n'Why can't you be more like that Lloyd\nBraun?'\n\nJERRY\nAnd in the end Lloyd Braun became more\nlike you.\n\nGeorge snaps his fingers and points to Jerry, signaling his agreement.\nThen he picks up his jacket and heads for the door.\n\nGEORGE\nRight, gotta get going.\n\nJERRY\nAren't you coming with us to Spartacus?\n\nGEORGE\nNah, I gotta deliver some Christmas\npresents to my parents.\n\nJERRY\nI thought your parents were outta town?\n\nGEORGE\nWhy d'you think I'm going now?\n\nQueens)\n\nGeorge has parked his car on the street, and gets out. An elderly\nguy is on the\n\nporch of his house and recognises George.\n\nPOP\nGeorgie!\n\nGEORGE\nHey, Mr Lazzari.\n\nPOP\nBack in the old neighborhood, ah?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, yeah. Just delivering some presents\nto my folks.\n\nPOP\nOh, snazzy car. Le Baron?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, eighty-three. Used to belong to\nJohn Voight.\n\nPOP\nThe actor, right?\n\nGEORGE\nSomething like that.\n\nPOP\nMind if I look under the hood?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, no no no no. Go ahead, Pop, you\nalways knew your cars.\n\nA young woman has exited from the old guy's house, and approaches.\n\nPOP\nOh, Deena! Deena, Deena, l... look who's\nhere.\n\nPop lifts the hood of the car, and leans into the engine compartment.\n\nDEENA\nGeorge Costanza, is that you?\n\nGEORGE\nHey Deena, come on, give us a hug. (they\nhug) Oh my gosh, you look as\n\npretty as you did back in high school.\n\nDEENA\nBoy, those were some crazy times.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, yeah. Speaking of crazy, did you\nhear about Lloyd Braun?\n\nLobby)\n\nKramer is leading Jerry and Elaine on a tour of the Alex. There\nare a few\n\ncustomers scattered about and a bored attendant behind the counter.\nElaine has a\n\nbig bucket of popcorn.\n\nKRAMER\nThe Alex was built in nineteen twenty-two,\nduring the golden era of\n\nmovie palaces. Minor restorations in nineteen forty-one, forty-seven,\nfifty-two,\n\nfifty-eight, sixty-three, and currently to our present period\nof time.\n\nELAINE\nBoy, you're really getting into this\naren't you?\n\nKRAMER\nYes, yes I am. The icing on the cake\nwould be getting that landmark\n\nstatus from the City. We're hoping Lloyd Braun can pull a few\nstrings.\n\nJERRY\nOh, can Lloyd really do that?\n\nKRAMER\nLloyd Braun can do anything he puts\nhis mind to. He's fine, Jerry. (to\n\nElaine) And you should say hello to him, Elaine.\n\nELAINE\n(concerned) What? Lloyd is here?\n\nKramer indicates Lloyd approaching.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? No, no, I'd rather...\n\nLLOYD\nHi Elaine.\n\nELAINE\n(big fake smile) Lloyd, yes. Hello.\n\nLLOYD\nKramer tell you? We reserved some special\nseats, so we can all sit\n\ntogether.\n\nELAINE\n(reluctant) Oh, well... I, uh, actually\nLloyd, Jerry and I have to sit\n\nin the front row, uhm, (desperately inventing) because uh, because,\nbecause he,\n\nhe forgot his glasses. So uh, thanks for getting us... uhm, we'll\nsee you\n\nafterwards.\n\nElaine grabs Jerry by the arm and leads him toward the auditorium.\n\nLLOYD\nThat was odd. Am I crazy, or does Jerry\nnot wear glasses?\n\nKRAMER\n(emphatic) You're not crazy. Jerry does\nwear glasses. He just forgot\n\n'em, that's all. (puts an arm round Lloyd's shoulder) Not crazy.\n\nAuditorium)\n\nJerry and Elaine sit in the front row of seats. Elaine is eating\npopcorn.\n\nJERRY\nWe're all the way in the front row.\nWhy couldn't we sit in the special\n\nseats?\n\nELAINE\nI'm sorry, but I didn't want Lloyd thinking\nI was leading him on again.\n\nSeeing him made me feel very uncomfortable.\n\nThe lights go down, and music is heard as the show begins. Jerry\nand Elaine lean\n\nback in their seats to be able to see the screen\n\nJERRY\nNah, you don't wanna be uncomfortable.\n\nQueens)\n\nDeena and George are still talking. Pop is under the hood of\nGeorge's car. Bangs\n\nand clanks can be heard as he fiddles with the mechanics.\n\nDEENA\nPoor Lloyd.\n\nGEORGE\nI know. Completely bonkers!\n\nDEENA\nSorry I can't be so flip about this\nkind of thing. You know, after what\n\nhappened to Pop.\n\nGEORGE\nPop? What happened to Pop?\n\nDEENA\nI thought you heard. He had a nervous\nbreakdown last year. That's why I'm\n\ntaking care of him.\n\nPop comes out momentarily.\n\nPOP\nOh, I tell you, they don't build 'em\nlike this any more.\n\nHe goes back under the hood.\n\nGEORGE\n(a little worried) He uh, he doesn't\nhave the auto shop any more?\n\nDEENA\nUhn, it was too much for him.\n\nPop is thumping away at part of the engine with a spanner.\n\nGEORGE\n(very worried) Uhm, I, I gotta go.\n\nDEENA\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nI just remembered, I gotta be someplace.\nYuh-hu-hur, that's enough. Pop.\n\nPop, put down the wrench, Pop.\n\nAuditorium)\n\nKramer and Lloyd sits side by side in the special seats, watching\nSpartacus.\n\nThey're smiling happily.\n\nJerry and Elaine lean uncomfortably back in their front-row seats.\nThey're both\n\neating popcorn. Elaine drops a piece onto her blouse, where it\nrests next to a\n\nfancy button. She retrieves the corn, and dislodges the button\nwithout noticing.\n\nThe button falls to the floor where it rests among other detritus.\n\n(George's Car)\n\nGeorge is driving along the road in his Le Baron. Over the usual\nengine noise\n\ncan be heard a metallic rasping, grinding noise. George listens\nfor a few\n\nmoments, wondering where it's coming from. Then he looks concerned,\nthen angry.\n\nGEORGE\nPop! POP!!\n\nLobby)\n\nKramer and Jerry stand in the lobby. Kramer smoking his pipe,\nJerry massaging\n\nhis neck. Lloyd wanders over to join them.\n\nLLOYD\n's a great movie, huh?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nLLOYD\nSorry you forgot those glasses.\n\nJERRY\nI don't know what I was thinking.\n\nLLOYD\nHow'd you like that gum?\n\nJERRY\n(noncommittal) Errh.\n\nKRAMER\n(slapping Jerry on the back) Ah, he\nloved it.\n\nElaine enters. In the absence of the button she lost in the auditorium,\nher\n\nblouse is open to below her breasts, and everything's in the\nshop window. Not\n\nthat she knows it.\n\nELAINE\nHey Kramer, you know what? There, there\nisn't a light there, in the\n\nladies' room.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah. It's being repaired.\n\nElaine is suffering with her neck. She rolls her head back and\nfeels the back of\n\nher neck with her hand.\n\nELAINE\nOh. Oh God.\n\nLLOYD\nYou alright?\n\nElaine stretches her back and neck, at the same time pushing\nher upperworks into\n\ngreater prominence.\n\nELAINE\nAh, I sat too close to the screen. Oh.\nI just gotta stretch out in a hot\n\nbath. It was nice to see you again, Lloyd.\n\nElaine leaves. Kramer and Lloyd both stare after her.\n\n(Street Outside Alex)\n\nElaine walks down the sidewalk, her blouse still open. A florist\nis using a hose\n\nto wash down the sidewalk in front of his store. Elaine carefully\nsteps by,\n\npicking her way past. The florist also stares at Elaine's exposure.\n\nA cop stands a little further down the street. Elaine approaches\nhim.\n\nELAINE\nOfficer. Officer, is there some reason\nthis man has to always be using a\n\nhose? I mean, he's flooding the sidewalk. It's a waste of water.\nCouldn't he\n\njust use a broom?\n\nThe cop stares at Elaine's breasts the whole time she's talking.\n\nCOP\nLady, you sold me. (strides toward florist)\nHey, you with the hose.\n\nElaine looks confused about his attitude. She glances down, and\nnotices her\n\nblouse wide open. She quickly pulls her coat closed, to hide\nher embarrassment,\n\nand hurries away.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nKramer is handing Jerry a pair of spectacles.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, put these glasses on.\n\nJERRY\n(taking them) Well, what's this for?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well Lloyd, he's gonna be here\nany minute now.\n\nJERRY\nSo what?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, he thinks you wear those.\n\nJerry looks at the glasses with some distaste.\n\nKRAMER\nThey're from the lost and found at the\nAlex.\n\nJERRY\nAw, c'mon Kramer, this is ridiculous.\nI'm not gonna put these on.\n\nKRAMER\nOh. Okay. So he'll just think that the\ntwo of you didn't sit with him on\n\npurpose. Ooh yeah, that's very nice. Very nice.\n\n(Monk's)\n\nGeorge leans on the counter by the cash register, behind which\nsits Ruthie\n\nCohen.\n\nGEORGE\n'scuse me. I uh, I was in here this\nmorning and uh, I believe I paid you\n\nwith a twenty dollar bill, (smiles) but you only gave me change\nfor a ten.\n\nCASHIER\nI don't think so.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, I think so, and I can prove it.\nYou see, I was doodling on the bill\n\nand uh, so if you have a twenty in there with big lips on it...\nwell, (smiles)\n\nthat's mine. Would you mind opening up the register?\n\nCASHIER\nNot unless you buy something.\n\nGEORGE\nFine, I'll buy a pack of gum.\n\nLloyd approaches the register to pay for something. The cashier\nrings up\n\nGeorge's purchase.\n\nLLOYD\nHey George. Thought you didn't chew\ngum?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't.\n\nRuthie opens the drawer on the register.\n\nCASHIER\nTake a look.\n\nGeorge goes round to the other side of the register and picks\nup all the\n\ntwenty-dollar bills. He shuffles through them, examining them\nfor doodles.\n\nGEORGE\nI know I gave it to you.\n\nLLOYD\nGeorge, would you mind. I'm kind of\nin a hurry.\n\nIn addition to Lloyd, another customer is waiting to pay.\n\nGEORGE\n(frustrated) Fine. Fine. (to customer)\nExcuse me. (heading for the door)\n\nThink I'm gonna forget about this? I haven't forgotten about\nthis. I don't\n\nforget that easily!\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry is reading a newspaper, and holding it in such a way as\nto conceal his\n\nface.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Jerry, look who's here.\n\nJerry folds over the top half of the paper, in order to see his\nvisitor. He also\n\nreveals to all that he is wearing the spectacles Kramer gave\nhim earlier.\n\nJERRY\nAh, Lloyd.\n\nLLOYD\nHi Jerry. Got some more of that gum.\n\nHe proffers the packet to Jerry.\n\nJERRY\n(unenthusiastic) Oh, the gum.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, let's all enjoy a chew, huh?\n\nJERRY\n(still not happy) Uh, alright. (he takes\na piece)\n\nKRAMER\nOh, boy.\n\nKramer and Lloyd sit on the couch. All of them start chewing\non the gum.\n\nKRAMER\nNow see, this is what the holidays are\nall about. Three buddies, sitting\n\naround, chewing gum, huh? Mmm, mmm, yeah. So uh, you know, Lloyd,\nhe thinks he\n\ncan get more of this.\n\nJerry makes a show of removing his glasses and cleaning them.\n\nJERRY\nWell, Lloyd's a very industrious fellow.\nI'm sure he can accomplish\n\nanything he sets his mind to.\n\nJerry puts his glasses back on.\n\nLLOYD\nActually, the importer's right in Chinatown.\nI'll introduce you to him,\n\nyou can get it whenever you want.\n\nJERRY\n's not necessary.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Jerry, you know, Lloyd wants to\ndo you a favour.\n\nJERRY\nI know that, Kramer.\n\nLLOYD\nWell, if you don't want to...\n\nKRAMER\nNo, sure sure, he wants to. It's very\nkind of you. Yeah, Jerry, he\n\nappreciates it. Don't you, Jerry?\n\nJERRY\nYes I do, Kramer.\n\nLLOYD\nSo...\n\nKRAMER\nYeah?\n\nLLOYD\nHow about that Elaine today, huh?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, baby, what was that all about, huh?\n\nLLOYD\n(to Jerry) She was practically undressing\nin front of me at the theatre.\n\nJERRY\nI didn't see anything.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, you uh, really missed a show,\nbuddy. Wooh, ba-boom,\n\nba-boom-ba-ba-ba-boom-ba.\n\nThey continue to chew on the gum. Lloyd seemingly happily, Jerry\nclearly not\n\nliking it, and Kramer not liking it, but unwilling to show it\nto Lloyd.\n\n(Park)\n\nGeorge and Deena sit on a bench.\n\nDEENA\nYou're probably wondering why I wanted\nto see you again.\n\nGeorge clearly thinks he's clicked.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, you know. (grins, snorts) It's\nunderstandable.\n\nHe pats Deena on the knee.\n\nDEENA\nI'm glad you feel that way. Because\nsince my father's breakdown I uh,\n\nbecome very sensitive to the warning signs.\n\nGEORGE\nWarning signs?\n\nDEENA\nNervousness, irritability, paranoia.\n\nGEORGE\n(disbelief) What? (laugh) Wh... what're\nyou talking about? I'm not the\n\none with the problem. (defensive) Lloyd Braun was in the nuthouse,\nnot me.\n\nDEENA\nYet again, taking pleasure in the misfortunes\nof others.\n\nGEORGE\nAll my friends do that.\n\nDEENA\nGeorge, I'm only trying to help...\n\nGeorge is staring past Deena at something a short distance away.\n\nDEENA\nI'm... I'm concerned. George? George,\nare you listening to me?\n\nGEORGE\nYou see that woman on the horse? (points)\n\nRuthie Cohen is passing by on horseback.\n\nGEORGE\nShe stole twenty dollars from me. (getting\nangry) Yeah, I might've\n\ngotten it back, but Lloyd Braun interfered!\n\nDEENA\nSo again it all comes back to Lloyd.\n\nGEORGE\n(rising to his feet) Hey! Hey, you!\n(setting off after her) Come back\n\nhere!! Don't gallop away!!\n\nGeorge runs away, yelling after the retreating Ruthie Cohen.\n\n(Monk's)\n\nJerry and George sit in a booth. There's a different cashier\non duty.\n\nJERRY\nSo you say she was on a horse?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm telling you, that cashier is riding\nhorses on my money.\n\nJERRY\nWell, here's what I propose. Go down\nto the stables, snoop around. See if\n\nany high-flying cashier's been throwing twenty dollar bills around\nwith big\n\nlips.\n\nElaine enters.\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nWell, if it isn't Chesty La Rue.\n\nELAINE\n(sits beside Jerry) What?\n\nJERRY\nI was chewing gum with Lloyd Braun,\nand he was bragging about the\n\npeepshow you gave him at the Alex.\n\nELAINE\n(laughing it away) Oh God. I lost a\nbutton, so my blouse was wide open.\n\nI musta left it at the theatre.\n\nJERRY\nMaybe it's in the lost and found.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I know. I have to go check it\nout. It's a beautiful button too,\n\nyou know. It's antique ivory. It was my mother's.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, the way you were wolfing down\nthat popcorn, maybe you ate it.\n\nLobby)\n\nKramer greets a small elderly gent.\n\nKRAMER\nMr Har-harwood. Well, what an unexpected\nsurprise to have you back at\n\nthe Alex Theatre.\n\nHAARWOOD\nWell I, I'm in a bit of a quandary.\nI've misplaced my spectacles.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, let's look in lost and found,\nshall we?\n\nKramer ducks behind the counter to retrieve the lost and found\nbox.\n\nHAARWOOD\nThey're half-glasses.\n\nKramer pops his head up, a thought having occurred.\n\nKRAMER\nBrown?\n\nHAARWOOD\nMmm, yes, yes.\n\nKramer places the cardboard box marked 'Lost and Found' on the\ncounter.\n\nKRAMER\nUh, yeah. Ah, well if they're not in\nthe box, I'm sure they'll turn up\n\nsoon. Listen, could you keep an eye on the place? I wanna go\nout and get some\n\nparaffin wax, and bring out the lustre of this vintage countertop.\n\nHAARWOOD\nCertainly.\n\nKramer leaves. Haarwood begins to rummage through the contents\nof the box. After\n\na few seconds, he finds something. He lifts it out for a closer\nlook. It's the\n\nbutton Elaine dropped earlier.\n\nHAARWOOD\nOh my goodness. What a spanking button.\n\nStreet Outside Alex)\n\nGeorge starts his car. It's still making unhealthy noises.\n\nAs he sits with the engine running, a car pulls up in the street\nbehind him. The\n\ndriver sounds the horn at George as he sits in his parking spot.\n\nGEORGE\n(glances in mirror) Alright. Alright.\n\nThe horn sounds again.\n\nGEORGE\n(getting annoyed) Hang on, it's warming\nup!\n\nThe horn sounds several more times, impatiently. George has had\nenough. He\n\nclimbs out of his car.\n\nGEORGE\n(angrily) Oh you mother...\n\nGeorge stalks round his car and up to the driver's window of\nthe car sounding\n\nits horn.\n\nGEORGE\nHey! What is your problem?\n\nThe driver rolls down the window, and we see Ruthie Cohen.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, hello, it's you! (angry) Listen\nlady, I got six minutes left on that\n\nmeter, and I'm not budging til you admit you stole my twenty\ndollars. (smug)\n\nHuh-hu-hur, you're not so tough when you're not on your horse,\nare you Ruthie?\n\nCASHIER\nYour car's on fire.\n\nThe reflection of leaping flames can be seen in Ruthie's window.\nGeorge dashes\n\noff back to his car.\n\nGEORGE\nAah! Fire!\n\nCASHIER\n(after George) Merry Christmas!\n\nFlames are coming from under the hood of the Le Baron.\n\nGEORGE\n(shouting) Fire!!\n\nThe florist is standing holding a broom. George rushes to him.\n\nGEORGE\nYour hose! Where's your hose?!\n\nFLORIST\nCop made me disconnect it.\n\nGeorge grabs the broom from the florist, and begins beating at\nthe flames with\n\nno effect. After a few seconds, the broom is alight.\n\n(Street Outside Alex)\n\nThe whole front of George's car is burnt out. The plastic body\nparts have melted\n\naway. The hood is wide open, showing the devastation within.\nGeorge stands,\n\nholding the charred remnants of the broom. He's staring catatonically\nat the\n\ndamage. Kramer walks up and does a double-take at the sight.\n\nKRAMER\nJeez! What happened to your car, buddy?\n\nGEORGE\nThe Jon Voight car is no more.\n\nKRAMER\nWow. Well, don't you sweat it. You can\nuse my car any time you want to.\n\nGEORGE\nNo kidding?\n\nKRAMER\nNo kidding.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, thanks. I owe you a big one.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, merry Christmas.\n\nKramer walks on.\n\nGEORGE\n(staring at the wreck) Whatever.\n\nLobby)\n\nJerry is waiting. He's wearing the glasses from earlier.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, I'm here. Where's Braun?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat, he's not here yet?\n\nJERRY\nLook, I'll go downtown to Chinatown\nwith him, but that is it!\n\nKRAMER\nListen, I'm gonna need those glasses.\n\nKramer reaches across and plucks the glasses from Jerry's face.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nKRAMER\nThey're Geoffrey Haarwood's.\n\nKramer rummages in lost and found, and brings out another pair\nof spectacles.\n\nKRAMER\n(proffering) Here, try this pair.\n\nJerry puts them on. The lenses are much stronger than the first\npair - they're\n\nlike bottle-bottoms. He stares through them, his eyes magnified\nhugely. It's\n\nobvious he can't see at all clearly.\n\nJERRY\nAw, these are really strong glasses.\n\nHe takes a step and almost trips over the counter.\n\nLLOYD\nHey gum-buddy. Nice frames. You ready\nto go?\n\nJERRY\n(lacking enthusiasm) Yeah, yeah.\n\nKRAMER\n(clapping Jerry on the back) Oh yeah,\nhe's all ready to go.\n\nLLOYD\nAnybody see Elaine today?\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah, she called a little earlier.\nShe's coming over to check out\n\nlost and found.\n\nLLOYD\nMaybe I'll stick around and see what\nshe's wearing today. Or not wearing,\n\nif you know what I mean.\n\nThey chuckle.\n\nJERRY\nAbsolutely. Let's just stick around.\n\nLLOYD\nAh, tell you what, they're expecting\nus though. Lemme just grab a hotdog\n\nhere.\n\nKRAMER\nUh, yeah.\n\nLloyd goes to the counter, and speaks to the attendant.\n\nLLOYD\nI'd like a hotdog, please.\n\nThe attendant looks to the machine, which contains one hotdog.\nThe appearance of\n\nthe article is not pleasant. It's wrinkled, shriveled, and generally\n\ndisgusting.\n\nATTENDANT\nAre you outta your mind?\n\nHearing this, Kramer dashes over.\n\nKRAMER\nWh...wh...wh... what's the problem here?\n\nATTENDANT\nThis hotdog's been here since the silent\nera. You'd have to be insane\n\nto eat it.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, no, no, no. This man is not\ninsane. Now there's nothing wrong\n\nwith it or you.\n\nLLOYD\nKramer, maybe...\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, no, no. I'll show you. (slams\na bill down on the counter) One\n\nhotdog please.\n\nATTENDANT\n(on your head be it) Okay.\n\nKRAMER\nMmm, doesn't that smell good, huh?\n\nThe attendant hands over the hotdog.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, here we go, yeah. (he takes a\nbig bite) Mmm, oh. That's delicious.\n\nMmm. It's a perfectly sane food to eat. (he takes another bite)\n\nAs he chews, it begins to be apparent that all is not as it should\nbe with the\n\nhotdog.\n\nKRAMER\nUhm, interesting texture. It's chewy.\n(he half-coughs, half-retches) I\n\ngotta get, some air.\n\nKramer stumbles toward the exit, bits of half-chewed hotdog falling\nfrom his\n\nmouth.\n\n(Street Outside Alex)\n\nKramer walks stiffly along the sidewalk. He's breathing heavily,\nand loosening\n\nhis collar. He walks by the florist, who is brushing the sidewalk\nagain. As\n\nKramer passes George's car, his struggle with the rancid hotdog\nends with the\n\nhotdog triumphant, and he leans into the gutter behind the Le\nBaron and vomits\n\ncopiously. The florist looks rueful, leans his broom against\nhis door, and\n\nfetches his hose, whilst Kramer continues his refunding.\n\nLater)\n\nThe florist is hosing away the traces of Kramer's visit. Elaine\nwalks up to him.\n\nELAINE\nExcuse me. 'scuse me, weren't you told\nto stop using that hose?\n\nFLORIST\nHow would you happen to know that?\n\nELAINE\nWell, uhm... I...\n\nFLORIST\n(accusing) You're that lady that was\ntalking to the cops, aren't you?\n\nELAINE\nUh... I...\n\nA voice calls from across the street.\n\nVOICE\nHey, Joe!\n\nThe florist turns to see who's shouting. As he does, he raises\nthe nozzle of his\n\nhose, so instead of hosing the sidewalk, he sprays Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nNo, wait! You're soaking me, you're\nsoaking me!\n\nThe florist notices what he's done and turns off the hose.\n\nLobby)\n\nJerry sits beside Kramer, who still looks unwell. Lloyd stands\ncomforting\n\nKramer. Elaine enters. She has removed her jacket, and is wearing\na wringing wet\n\nt-shirt.\n\nELAINE\nHey. Hey everybody.\n\nLLOYD\nWhoah, Elaine! Once again, you've managed\nto top yourself. C'mon Jerry,\n\nlet's go. Car's out front.\n\nLloyd leaves. Jerry stands and peers about himself through the\nover-strength\n\nglasses. All he can make out are vague blurred shapes.\n\nJERRY\nLloyd?\n\nHe moves across the lobby, slowly, holding his hands out to feel\nfor obstacles.\n\nJERRY\nLloyd?\n\nJerry leaves.\n\nELAINE\n(exasperated) What is Lloyd's problem?\n\nKRAMER\nLook, honey, I know you're trying to\nget Lloyd to notice you, but this\n\nis too much. Parading around in a wet T-shirt.\n\nELAINE\nUhh, I got sprayed with a hose.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well, I'm sorry, but the Alex\nis a family theatre, not one of your\n\nswing joints.\n\nElaine casts her eyes heavenward.\n\n(Street Outside Alex)\n\nThe remains of George's car are being towed away. On the opposite\nside of the\n\nroad, watching, are Deena and George.\n\nDEENA\nSo, you want my father to pay for this?\n\nGEORGE\nYou saw him. He was fiddling with the\nengine. God knows what he did\n\nthere.\n\nDEENA\nAnd I suppose Lloyd Braun had something\nto do with it too.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, not Lloyd Braun. But the cashier.\n\nDEENA\nWhat cashier?\n\nGEORGE\nYou remember the woman on the horse?\nShe wanted my spot.\n\nDEENA\nTo park her horse?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, she wasn't on the horse.\n\nDEENA\nSo, your car caught fire because of\nmy father and the woman on the horse?\n\nGEORGE\nThat's right.\n\nAcross the street, the florist is outside his store, arranging\nflowers.\n\nGEORGE\n(points) And him!\n\nDEENA\nThe man with the flowers?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, yeah, the flower guy. Listen,\nI know this all sounds a little\n\ncrazy, but...\n\nA car pulls up beside George and Deena. George looks in the window.\n\nGEORGE\nI can't believe it. Look, that's Jerry\nSeinfeld.\n\nDEENA\nWho?\n\nGEORGE\nJerry Seinfeld. My best friend. He can\nexplain all of this. (calls to\n\nJerry) Jerry.\n\nJerry hears his name called and turns his head, but all he can\nsee are blurry\n\ncolored shapes.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry! Over here Jerry. It's me!\n\nThe car pulls away, leaving George calling after it.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, where y'going? It's... what're...\n\nDEENA\n(doubtful) That was your best friend?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, yeah, but he doesn't wear glasses.\n\nDEENA\nThat man was wearing glasses.\n\nGEORGE\nI know. Don't you see. (emphatic) He\nwas doing it to fool Lloyd Braun!\n\n(Lloyd Braun's Car)\n\nJerry and Lloyd have reached Chinatown. Lloyd parks the car.\n\nLLOYD\nI'll run in and get the gum.\n\nJERRY\nAlright.\n\nLLOYD\nGot any money?\n\nJerry digs his wallet out of his pocket. He opens it and extracts\na bill. He\n\npeers at it, trying to work out what denomination it is, but\nthe glasses are\n\nstill too strong.\n\nJERRY\n(handing it over) Here.\n\nLloyd takes the bill, looks at it, smiles a little with surprise.\n\nLLOYD\n(climbing out of the car) I'll be back.\n\n(Street)\n\nGeorge and Deena walk along together.\n\nGEORGE\nLook, Deena, I know you think I'm crazy,\nbut I'm not. This is just a\n\nseries of bad coincidences.\n\nDEENA\nI don't know, George. I don't know what\nto believe.\n\nGEORGE\nBelieve me, I am not crazy.\n\nDEENA\nWell, I guess it's possible.\n\n(Lloyd Braun's Car)\n\nJerry sits waiting. Lloyd gets in. He has a stack of six boxes,\nwhich he hands\n\nto Jerry.\n\nLLOYD\nHere y'go.\n\nJERRY\n(indistinct) Got all this?\n\nLLOYD\nYeah. A hundred dollar's worth.\n\nJERRY\n(incredulous) I gave you a hundred dollars?!\n\nLLOYD\nYou sure did. Am I crazy, or is that\na lotta gum?\n\nJERRY\nIt's a lotta gum!\n\n(The Institute)\n\nThe room is festooned with props and costumes from old movies.\n\nKRAMER\nMr Hararwood. Found your glasses.\n\nHAARWOOD\nOh, splendid. Welcome to the Institute\nfor the Preservation of Motion\n\nPicture Costumes and Wardrobe.\n\nKRAMER\nAh, the I.P.M.P.C.W.\n\nHAARWOOD\nWell eh, we prefer to call it the Institute.\n\nKramer notices a particular costume.\n\nKRAMER\nIs that from Henry the Eighth?\n\nHAARWOOD\nYes, yes, it is.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you know, we're screening that\ntonight at the Alex. Do you think\n\nthat I could wear that to promote the theatre?\n\nHAARWOOD\nWell, I... I'd love to lend it to you,\nbut I doubt if it would fit a\n\nman of your impressive, Raymond Massey-like, physique. The only\nperson who could\n\nreally fit into this costume, would have to be a short, stocky,\nman of somewhat\n\ngenerous proportions.\n\nKRAMER\n(an idea occurs) You don't say.\n\n(Street)\n\nKramer and George walk together. George is wearing the Henry\nVIII costume -\n\ndoublet and hose, cloak, crown, etc.\n\nKRAMER\nYou're really helping me out with this,\nbuddy. Kids are gonna be so\n\nthrilled.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, yeah. You really cashed in on\nthat favor pretty quick.\n\nKRAMER\nRemember, you're a king, you must project\na Royal bearing.\n\nGEORGE\n(angry undertone) Oh, I'm gonna give\nyou a Royal bearing. Wait a minute,\n\nwait a minute. Lemme get a pack of gum here.\n\nHe gets his wallet from under the cape, and goes to the window\nof a kiosk.\n\nGEORGE\n(handing over a bill) Can I get a pack\nof gum, please?\n\nGUY\nI beg your pardon, your majesty, but\nwe don't accept bills with lipstick\non\n\nthe president.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat? Huh, so I had it all along. How\nd'you like that? (snorts) I guess\n\nI owe that cashier an apology.\n\nDeena is walking toward George and Kramer. She sees George in\nhis costume and\n\njumps to the obvious conclusion.\n\nDEENA\nOh my God!\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no. Deena, it's not what you think.\n\nDeena turns and begins to walk away.\n\nGEORGE\nTh... this isn't mine.\n\nGeorge begins to walk after Deena, who accelerates to a trot.\n\nGEORGE\nI got it from the Institute. The Institute.\n\nDeena breaks into a run, with George chasing her.\n\nGEORGE\n(shouting) Dee... Deena!\n\nLobby)\n\nKramer stands behind the counter, upon which Elaine leans. Mr\nHaarwood enters.\n\nKRAMER\nAhh, Mr Haarwood. Well, you certainly\nknow how to dress for a premiere.\n\nHAARWOOD\nWell, thank you. Uh, where is your friend\nKing Henry?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, he ran away.\n\nLloyd enters.\n\nLLOYD\nHey Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nI need to talk to you.\n\nLloyd and Kramer go away to the side of the lobby, where they\ngo into a quiet\n\nconversation. Elaine is peering over at Mr Haarwood, and in particular\nat the\n\nbutton he's wearing on his cravat.\n\nELAINE\nYou know, that button looks very familiar.\n\nHAARWOOD\nYes, it, it, it's antique ivory.\n\nELAINE\nI, I think that's my button. (wanders\nover to Haarwood) You know, I've\n\nbeen looking all over for it. Did, did you find it here?\n\nHAARWOOD\nYes, it was in the lost and found.\n\nELAINE\nShall I undo it?\n\nHAARWOOD\nOh yes, of course you can.\n\nELAINE\nOh, thank you.\n\nElaine moves very close to Mr Haarwood, and reaches under his\nchin to remove the\n\nbutton.\n\nHAARWOOD\nI'm a little ticklish.\n\nELAINE\nOh. (giggly) Tickle, tickle.\n\nKramer and Lloyd are both staring over at the sight of Elaine\ntickling Mr\n\nHaarwood under the chin, giggling, apparently flirting.\n\nLLOYD\nWe've really gotta get the Elaine a\nboyfriend.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, tell me about it.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Rye.html",
    "text": "THE RYE\n\nWritten by\n\nCarol Leifer\n\nELAINE\n(thinking) I can't believe I'm going\nout with this guy. Wow! He's so cool.\nMaybe he'll write a song about me. That\nwould be amazing. Oh, Elaine, you are\nso beautiful. So, so beautiful. Not\nso mention your personality which is\nso, so, interesting. If you want, you\ncan quit your job and never work again.\n\n(club applauds)\n\nELAINE\nJerry, you have got to come see him.\nHe is so terrific.\n\nJERRY\nMaybe he'll write a song about you.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. Right. (laughing) Like that really\nmatters.\n\nJERRY\nSo I take it he's spongeworthy?\n\nELAINE\nOh, yeah.\n\nJERRY\nWell, he's a musician. I guess they're\nsupposed to be very, you know, uninhibited\nand free.\n\nELAINE\nWell, actually, he's - he's not that\nway at all.\n\nJERRY\nOh, no?\n\nELAINE\nYeah. In fact, he....(moaning)\n\nJERRY\nCome on. Come on.\n\nELAINE\nI don't wanna!\n\nJERRY\nElaine, you're among friends.\n\nELAINE\n(sighs) Well, actually, he, um, doesn't\nreally like to do... everything.\n\nJERRY\nOh.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. It's surprising.\n\nJERRY\nYes, it is. It is surprising. Does that\nbother you?\n\nELAINE\nNo. No, it doesn't bother me. I mean,\nit would be nice. I'm not gonna lie\nto you and say it wouldn't be nice.\n\nJERRY\nSure. Why not? You're there.\n\nELAINE\nExactly.\n\nJERRY\nBut you said he was just coming out\nof a very serious relationship. Maybe\nhe's, you know, still....kind of...he...not\ngonna happen.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Jerry! Listen, I need you to come\ndownstairs, help me get my stuff outta\nthe car.\n\nJERRY\nWhat stuff?\n\nKRAMER\nI just came from the price club. I'm\nloaded up, baby.\n\nJERRY\nAll right. What are you, outta your\nmind? Look at this. What did you buy\nhere? You will never be able to finish\nall this stuff.\n\nKRAMER\nCourse I will. These are staples.\n\nJERRY\nA four-pound can of black olives? That's\na staple?\n\nKRAMER\nLindsay olives, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nA forty-eight pack of Eggo waffles?\nA gallon of barbecue sauce? Ten pounds\nof cocktail meatballs?\n\nKRAMER\n$17.50. You can't beat that.\n\nJERRY\nLook...look at this can of tuna!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Star Kist, Jerry. Most tuna don't\nmake their cut.\n\nJERRY\nThis isn't for a person. This is for\nBiosphere 3.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Clyde!\n\nCLYDE\nHey, Kramer! What's happening, dude?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Ahh. Hey, this is Jerry here.\n\nCLYDE\nHow ya doin'?\n\nJERRY\nHi.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, Clyde, he plays backup with\nJohn Germaine.\n\nJERRY\nJohn Germaine? That is amazing. I was\njust talking about him upstairs with\nElaine.\n\nCLYDE\nOh yeah?\n\nJERRY\nOh, yeah. My friend Elaine and him are\ngoin' out. They're pretty hot and heavy.\n\nCLYDE\nIs that right?\n\nKRAMER\nHey, how 'bout giving me a hand? You\nknow, bring some of this stuff upstairs.\n\nCLYDE\nOh, sorry Kramer, I got to watch the\nhands. My hands are my life.\n\nESTELLE\nGeorgie, can you zip me up?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Yeah, one second.\n\nESTELLE\nWell, come on!\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. All right. Let's not get\ninto panic mode! Let's not make a big\ndeal outta this thing or we're never\ngonna get through this night.\n\nESTELLE\nWell, I'm meeting your in-laws, I think\nI should look nice.\n\nGEORGE\nMy in-laws. Oh, my....\n\nFRANK\nSo, what do you think? Your old man\ncan look pretty good when he wants to,\nhuh?\n\nESTELLE\nI don't like that tie.\n\nFRANK\nWhat's the matter with this tie? I've\nhardly worn it.\n\nESTELLE\nIt's too thin. They're wearing wide\nnow.\n\nFRANK\nHow do you know what kind of ties they\nwear?\n\nESTELLE\nGo to any office building on 7th Avenue\nand tell me if there's\n\nanyone there wearing a thin tie like that. Go ahead!\n\nFRANK\nOh, get the hell outta here. 7th Avenue.\n\nESTELLE\nGeorge, do you think he should wear\na tie like that?\n\nFRANK\nHuh?\n\nGEORGE\nI think he should wear whatever tie\nhe wants.\n\nFRANK\nWe gotta stop off and pick up a marble\nrye from Schnitzer's.\n\nESTELLE\nIt's out of our way. Why can't we pick\nup something at Lord's?\n\nIt's right over here.\n\nFRANK\nNo! We have to go to Schnitzer's! I'll\nshow these people something\n\nabout taste!\n\nGEORGE\nThis is gonna be fun.\n\nJERRY\nHey, you'll never guess who I bumped\ninto. This guy Clyde. He's in\n\nyour friend John Germaine's band there.\n\nELAINE\nSo what did he have to say?\n\nJERRY\nNothing. I told him you two were pretty\nhot and heavy.\n\nELAINE\nHot and heavy? You said hot and heavy?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nWhat did you do that for?\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nWhat if he tells John? Then John's gonna\nthink that I think that\n\nwe're hot and heavy. I don't want John thinking that I'm hot\nand\n\nheavy if he's not hot and heavy.\n\nJERRY\nOh\n\nELAINE\nI'm trying to get a little squirrel\nto come over to me here. I don't\n\nwanna make any big, sudden movements. I'll frighten him away.\n\nJERRY\nWell, Clyde might not tell him.\n\nELAINE\nHow do you know that?\n\nJERRY\nI should have helped Kramer with those\npackages.\n\nELAINE\nOhh!\n\n(Kramer, walking down hall to his apartment, his arms loaded\nwith dozens of\n\npop cans, falls forward, spilling cans about in hallway)\n\nDENNIS\nLet me give you a hand. Hey, Kramer.\nI wonder, could you do me a\n\nfavor? I'm taking the family to Disneyworld next week. I wonder...\n\nKRAMER\nUh-huh.\n\nDENNIS\nI wonder, could you pick up my mail?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Sure. Sure.\n\nDENNIS\nIn fact, you know what, how would you\nlike to take my hansom cab for\n\nthe week?\n\nKRAMER\nDrive the horse?\n\nDENNIS\nIt'll just be sitting there. You can\nreally clean up. 500 bucks a\n\nday. I'll split it with ya.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, giddyup. Yeah.\n\nGEORGE\nThis is delicious, Mrs. Ross.\n\nMRS. ROSS\nOh.\n\nMR. ROSS\nWhat are you complimenting her for?\nShe didn't make it Rowenna did.\n\nFRANK\nWhat is this thing anyway?\n\nMRS. ROSS\nIt's Cornish gamehen.\n\nFRANK\nWhat is that, like a little chicken?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's, uh, it's not a little chicken.\n(laughing) Little chicken. It's\n\na gamebird.\n\nFRANK\nGamebird?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nFRANK\nWhat do you mean? Like, you - you hunt\nit?\n\nMR. ROSS\nYes.\n\nFRANK\nHow hard could it be to kill this thing?\n\nESTELLE\nI couldn't help but notice that you\nhave quite a library in there.\n\nMRS. ROSS\nIf I had a dime for every book he's\nactually read, (laughing) I'd\n\nbe broke.\n\nSUSAN\nMore wine anyone?\n\nFRANK\nYeah. I'll take some.\n\nSUSAN\nHmmm?\n\nFRANK\nThank you.\n\nSUSAN\nHow do you like the Merlot?\n\nESTELLE\nMerlot? I never heard of it. Did they\njust invent it?\n\nMRS. ROSS\nOh, mother.\n\nGEORGE\nShe's, uh, she's heard of Merlot.\n\nFRANK\nLet me understand, you got the hen,\nthe chicken and the rooster. The\n\nrooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the\nhen?\n\nGEORGE\nWhy don't we talk about it another time.\n\nFRANK\nBut you see my point here? You only\nhear of a hen, a rooster and a\n\nchicken. Something's missing!\n\nMRS. ROSS\nSomething's missing all right.\n\nMR. ROSS\nThey're all chickens. The rooster has\nsex with all of them.\n\nFRANK\nThat's perverse.\n\nGEORGE\nDid anybody see Firestorm?\n\nMR. ROSS\nFirestorm, that's a hell of a picture.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nMR. ROSS\nRemember when they had the helicopter\nland on top of that car --\n\nFRANK\nHey! Hey! Come on! Come on! I haven't\nseen it yet.\n\nMR. ROSS\nIt doesn't have anything to do with\nthe plot!\n\nFRANK\nStill! Still! I like to go in fresh!\n\nGEORGE\nOh mother of God.\n\n(clip clop)\n\nKRAMER\nOf course, uh, this is Central Park.\nUh, this was designed in 1850 by\n\nJoe Peppitone. Um, built during the Civil War so the northern\narmies\n\ncould practice fighting on...on grass. Oh, yeah. Giddyup. On\n\nRusty!\n\n(applause)\n\nJOHN\nThank you. Now, I'd like to play something\nth -- well, actually, it's\n\nmy latest so it's nice and fresh. It's called \" Hot And Heavy.\"\n\n(saxophone playing)\n\nGEORGE\nThank God that's over.\n\nESTELLE\nThe mother seems to hit the sauce pretty\nhard. I didn't like that.\n\nFRANK\nAnd who doesn't serve cake after a meal?\nWhat kind of people? Would it\n\nkill them to put out a pound cake? Something!\n\nGEORGE\nSo, they didn't give you a piece of\ncake? Big deal.\n\nESTELLE\nIt is a big deal. You're supposed to\nserve cake after a meal. I'm\n\nsorry. It's impolite.\n\nFRANK\nNot impolite...it's stupid, that's what\nit is. You gotta be stupid to\n\ndo something like that!\n\nESTELLE\nYour father's absolutely right. We're\nsitting there like idiots\n\ndrinking coffee without a piece of cake!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat is this? The marble rye?\n\nMRS. ROSS\nOh, dear. I forgot to put out that -\nthat bread they brought.\n\nESTELLE\nWe forgot to bring it in.\n\nFRANK\nNo, I brought it in. They never put\nit out.\n\nMRS. ROSS\nWhere is it?\n\nSUSAN\nI don't know. Where'd you put it?\n\nMRS. ROSS\nRight over there.\n\nSUSAN\nWell, it's gone.\n\nGEORGE\nYou stole the bread?\n\nFRANK\nWhat do you mean stole? It's my bread.\nThey didn't eat it. Why should\n\nI leave it there?\n\nGEORGE\nBecause we brought it for them!\n\nFRANK\nApparently, it wasn't good enough for\nthem to serve.\n\nMRS. ROSS\nIs it possible they took it back?\n\nSUSAN\nWho would bring a bread and take it\nback?\n\nMR. ROSS\nThose people, that's who. I think they're\nsick.\n\nESTELLE\nPeople take buses to get that rye.\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe they forgot to put it out!\n\nFRANK\nAw, they didn't forget to put it out!\nIt's deliberate! Deliberate, I\n\ntell ya!\n\nJERRY\nHe stole back the rye?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nGEORGE\nWhy? Why? 'Cause he's off his rocker!\nThat's why.\n\nJERRY\nSo, do the Ross's know?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know. They're all very suspicious.\n\nJERRY\nWhy wouldn't they be? A rye bread doesn't\njust disappear.\n\nGEORGE\nNow, because of that stupid rye bread,\nI gotta keep them all\n\nseparated for the rest of my life.\n\nJERRY\nBad situation.\n\nGEORGE\nI'll tell you what I'd like to do. I'd\nlike to replace that rye.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you mean replace it?\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, you go out, you get another\nrye. Of course, it would have\n\nto be the same one from Schnitzer's. You put it in the kitchen\n\nsomewhere and you say Ohh! There it is.\n\nJERRY\nWell, there ya go. What's so hard about\nthat?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's so hard about that? How am I\nsupposed to get it in there? I\n\ncan't just walk in with it. I have to get the Rosses out of the\n\napartment!\n\nJERRY\nAll right. All right. Don't panic. Let's\njust think about it. Get the\n\nRoss's out of the apartment. That can't be so hard. Wait a minute.\nWait\n\na second. Wait a second! You know, Kramer's been driving that\nhansom\n\ncab.\n\nGEORGE\nSo?\n\nJERRY\nWell, Kramer'll take them around for\na while.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd it's their anniversary Friday night.\nI could send them for a\n\nhansom cab ride. Y -- you think they'd like that?\n\nJERRY\nAre you kidding? People love it. There's\nsomething about the clip clop,\n\nclip clop. They're nuts for it.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, they go off for the ride, by the\ntime they come back the bread is\n\nthere.\n\nJERRY\nWhat about Susan?\n\nGEORGE\nShe's working late that night. We're\n- were supposed to have dinner\n\nwith everybody at eight o'clock so I'll set up the ride for seven\n\no'clock.\n\nJERRY\nBeautiful!\n\nGEORGE\nYou think Kramer'll do it?\n\nKRAMER\nOf course I'll do it. I'd be happy to.\nSo, all I gotta do is be there\n\nat seven?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Just take 'em out and ride 'em\naround for about..half an hour.\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nWhat the hell are you doing there?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's Beef-A-Reeno..and I got fifty cans.\nYou want some?\n\nJERRY\nNo. No thanks.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, I think I bought too much at\nthat price club. I don't have any\n\nroom for it all.\n\nGEORGE\nHold on. Hold on. Wait a minute. How\nam I gonna get the rye bread\n\ninto the apartment?\n\nJERRY\nJust put it under your shirt.\n\nGEORGE\nHave you ever seen a Schnitzer's rye?\nIt - it's huge!\n\nJERRY\nI'll tell ya what, I'll bring it over.\nI'll stop by Schnitzer's, I'll\n\ncome by five after seven right after they leave.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, this is all locking in now. It is\nall locking in! (laughing)\n\nELAINE\nHey. Is that your horse outside?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. That's Rusty.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat? He's outside?\n\nKRAMER\nUh-huh.\n\nGEORGE\nAw, come on. I wanna go see him.\n\nKRAMER\nYou wanna go see him?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Hey! Hey!\n\nKRAMER\nI'll show ya Rusty.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, Lainey, wanna see the horsey?\n\nELAINE\nWell, you really did me in this time,\ndidn't ya? First guy I like in\n\na really long time. I mean, we're getting along, everything is\njust\n\ngreat. I mean, all right, so he doesn't do... everything, and\nthen\n\nyou have to come along with your hot and your heavy.\n\nJERRY\nSo, you think Clyde told him?\n\nELAINE\nHe wrote a song about it!\n\nJERRY\nWell, maybe it's a good thing.\n\nELAINE\nNo! It's not a good thing! It's a bad\nthing! Do you know what this is\n\nlike? To have no control over a relationship? And - and you feel\nsick\n\nto your stomach all the time? Do you know what that's like?\n\nJERRY\nNo, but I've read articles and I must\nsay it, doesn't sound very\n\npleasant.\n\nELAINE\nYou know, one of these days, something\nterrible is gonna happen to you.\n\nIt has to!\n\nJERRY\nNo. I'm gonna be just fine, but as far\nas your situation, you're\n\nseeing him tonight so talk to him about it.\n\nELAINE\nI can't! He's got a big showcase for\nrecord producers at his late\n\nshow tonight. I don't wanna upset him. Aw, what the hell, I'll\nupset\n\nhim.\n\nMR. ROSS\nYeah George, I gotta tell ya, this is\na very nice gesture. We\n\nreally appreciate it.\n\nGEORGE\nAw, well, you know, it's your anniversary.\nIt's - it's the least I\n\ncan do. I - I just want you guys to go out and have a good time.\nHa\n\nha. So, you think we should, uh, we should get downstairs?\n\nMR. ROSS\nOh, we got about twenty minutes. You,\nuh, seem a little nervous\n\nGeorge. Anything wrong?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, no. No. No. No. No. Nothing. I'm\nfine. Everything's fine. Fine.\n\nJust get a little nervous on the weekends, that's all. Could\nI, uh,\n\ncould I get a glass of water?\n\nMRS. ROSS\nWe've got water. I don't think we have\nany bread, but we've got\n\nwater.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. There ya go. That's Beef-A-Reeno.\n\n(singing) I'm so keen-o\n\nOn Beef-A-Reeno\n\nWhat a delicious cuisine-o\n\nFit for a king and queen-o!\n\nYeah. Eat up. I got thirty four more cans.\n\nMR. ROSS\nNice night for a hansom cab ride, 'ay\nGeorge?\n\nMRS. ROSS\nYou know, George we haven't done anything\nromantic like this in\n\n....years.\n\nGEORGE\n(thinking) Oh my God, it's 7:01. What\nhave I done? My whole plan is\n\ndepending on Kramer? Have I learned nothing? How could I make\nsuch a\n\nstupid mistake? He'll never show up!\n\n(clip clop)\n\nKRAMER\nAh ha!\n\nGEORGE\nThere he is. Right on time as usual.\n\nCOUNTER WOMAN\n53.\n\nMABEL\n53. I'd like a marble rye, no plastic,\nin a bag.\n\nCOUNTER WOMAN\nAh! You're lucky. It's our last one.\n\nJERRY\nWait a second, that's your last marble\nrye?\n\nCOUNTER WOMAN\nThat's right.\n\nJERRY\nThere's none left?\n\nCOUNTER WOMAN\nThat's what I said. Number 54.\n\nJERRY\nUh, excuse me. I know this is gonna\nsound crazy but I - I have to have\n\nthat rye. It's a - it's a long story, but a person's whole future\nmay\n\ndepend on it.\n\nMABEL\nWell, I'm sorry, but you should have\ngot here earlier.\n\nJERRY\nYes. Well, be that as it may, if you\ncould just find it in yourself to\n\ngive it up.\n\nMABEL\nYou're not getting this rye --\n\nJERRY\nAll right. All right. I'll tell ya what\nI'm gonna do, I will give you\n\ndouble what you paid for it.\n\nMABEL\nYou're in my way!\n\nKRAMER\nAhh! Mr. Ross. Mrs. Ross. My name is\nCosmo and I'll be your driver for\n\nthis evening. We have blankets for your comfort. I also have\nhot\n\nchocolate if the mood should strike you.\n\nMRS. ROSS\nMy favorite.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, if we're all set to go, why don't\nyou two hop aboard and let me\n\nshow you a little taste of old New York...the way it once was.\nOh,\n\nhappy anniversary. On, Rusty!\n\n(clip clop)\n\nJERRY\nAll right. Look, I'll tell ya what,\nI'll give you $50. Now, be\n\nreasonable you cannot turn down $50 for a $6 rye.\n\nMABEL\nNo? Watch me.\n\nJERRY\nGive me that rye!\n\nMABEL\nStop it!\n\nJERRY\nI want that rye, lady!\n\nMABEL\nHelp! Someone help!\n\nJERRY\nShut up, you old bag!\n\nMABEL\nStop thief! Stop him! He's got my marble\nrye!\n\nELAINE\nI'm sorry to just show up unexpectedly\nlike this. I know you've got\n\nyour big showcase coming up later and I know how important it\nis, I\n\nknow how hard you work for this night, but I just had to tell\nyou\n\nthat I never told Jerry hot and heavy. I didn't think we were\nhot and\n\nheavy. I mean - I mean, who's hot and who's heavy?\n\nJOHN\nWhoa. Hold on, Elaine I.....I'm kinda\ndisappointed.\n\nELAINE\nDisappointed?\n\nJOHN\nYeah. I mean, I was excited when Clyde\ntold me that.\n\nELAINE\nYou were?\n\nJOHN\nAbsolutely.\n\nELAINE\nOhh! Whew! I am so relieved!\n\nJOHN\nListen, uh, I've still got a couple\nof hours to kill before the next\n\nshow. My place is only a few blocks from here.\n\nELAINE\nReally?\n\nJOHN\nAnd you know what?\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJOHN\nI've been thinking about what we do\nand I'm thinking..of...adding a new\n\nnumber to my, you know, repertoire.\n\nELAINE\nOhh!\n\n(clip clop)\n\n(Rusty snorting)\n\nKRAMER\nY'aah!\n\n(clip clop)\n\n(Rusty farts)\n\nMRS. ROSS\n(sniffing) What is that?\n\nMR. ROSS\nI think it's the horse.\n\nMRS. ROSS\nOh, God.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, how's everything? You..you need\nanything?\n\nMRS. ROSS\nThis is - this is...horrible.\n\nMR. ROSS\nExcuse me,...what do you feed this animal?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, you know, oats and hay. You know,\nthey like that stuff.\n\nMRS. ROSS\nI can't take this. Let me out of this\nthing!\n\nMR. ROSS\nTurn this thing around. We've had it.\nWe can't breathe back here!\n\nAnd hurry it up!\n\nKRAMER\nRusty! Rusty!\n\nGEORGE\n(whistling)\n\n(clip clopping beginning in distance and growing discernibly\nlouder)\n\nKRAMER\nWhoa!\n\nGEORGE\nWha - what happened? What are you doing\nback so soon?\n\nMR. ROSS\nAsk Rusty.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm terribly sorry, Mr. Ross. One never\nknows how the\n\ngastrointestinal workings of the equine are going to function.\n\nMRS. ROSS\nThanks for nothing! Come on, George.\nLet's go upstairs.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat the hell happened?\n\nKRAMER\nThe horse is gassy. Must have been the\nBeef-A-Reeno.\n\nGEORGE\nBeef-A-Reeno? You fed the horse Beef-A-Reeno?!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I overbought!\n\nMR. ROSS\nGeorge.\n\nGEORGE\n(muttering)\n\nMUSIC GUY\nWhat's going on? Where is he?\n\nMANAGER\nUh...he'll be here soon.\n\nMUSIC GUY\nI'll give him ten more minutes. I'm\nnot gonna stay here all night.\n\nJERRY\nHow much did you give him?\n\nKRAMER\nJust a can. But he really liked it,\nthough.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry! Up here!\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Hey, what do you want me to do\nwith this?\n\nGEORGE\nI can't come out. They're standing right\nby the door. Throw it up!\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Yeah. It's the only way. Come\non. What are you, kidding me?\n\nJERRY\nWill you get this horse outta here.\nHe's killing me. I can't get any oxygen.\n\nKRAMER\nI don't wanna go back on there!\n\nGEORGE\nCome on!\n\nJERRY\n(grunting as he throws bread into the\nair)\n\nGEORGE\n(grunting) Hey! Hey, wait a second.\nI got an idea.\n\nELAINE\nNo. No. Don't be silly, John, you were\nvery good. You just don't have to try\nso hard. Good luck, honey.\n\nGEORGE\nCome on! Come on!\n\nJERRY\nWait a second! I never baited a hook\nwith a rye before. Your hook is too\nsmall. This is for, like, a muffin.\nAll right. Take it away.\n\n(George finally gets rye into apartment, turning around to discover\neveryone staring at him)\n\nGEORGE\nCome on. Come on. Come on. Yeah. Yeah.\n(grunting)\n\nMANAGER\nLadies and gentlemen, John Germaine.\n\n(applause)\n\n(John attempts to play saxophone, discovering that no sound is\nbeing created by the instrument)\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Caddy.html",
    "text": "THE CADDY\n\nWritten by\n\nGregg Kavet & Andy Robin\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJERRY\nSo why don't you get a locksmith?\n\nGEORGE\nI was going to, but then I found out\nthat the auto club has this free locksmith\nservice, so I signed up. Just waiting\nfor the membership to kick in.\n\nJERRY\nHow long has your car been sitting in\nthe Yankee parking lot?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know, about three days.\n\n(Kramer enters with golf clubs)\n\nJERRY\nY-you're not playin' golf?\n\nKRAMER\nYes, indeed. The calendar says winter,\nbut he gods of spring are out.\n\nGEORGE\nAre the courses open?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no........I'm sneaking in with Stan\nthe Caddy, we've been going through\nthe caddies entrance.\n\nGeorge. Huh, No kidding?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, and I'll tell ya something else.\nStan's advice has\n\ntransformed my game. He's never wrong. Oh, he thinks eventually\nI'll\n\nhave a shot at making it big on the senior tour. Oh, that's my\ndream,\n\nJerry.\n\nJERRY\nReally, you're getting that good?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I'm the real deal.\n\n(Knocking is heard from outside in the hallway)\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, here, Stan, in here!\n\n(Stan enters)\n\nKRAMER\nThere he is, yeah - Jerry, George, this\nis Stan the Caddy.\n\nGEORGE\nHow ya doin'?\n\nJERRY\nHi.\n\nSTAN\nNice to meet you. Ready to hit the links,\nKramer?\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah, you betcha.\n\nSTAN\nWhat are those, ah, cotton pants?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah...Why, is it too cold out?\n\nSTAN\nHere's what you do: you bring a lightweight\njacket, that way the\n\nsun comes out, you play the jacket off the sweater.\n\nKRAMER\nAh, that makes sense, that's a good\ncall, Stan. Alright, we'll\n\nsee you guys later, huh?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, we'll see ya.\n\n(Kramer and Stan leave)\n\nJERRY AND GEORGE\nStan The Caddy.\n\n(Commercial)\n\n(On the street)\n\nSUE ELLEN\nElaine?\n\n(Elaine turns to see Sue Ellen waving her hand)\n\nSUE ELLEN\nHi!\n\nELAINE\nOh, great. It's the bra-less wonder.\nWho\n\ndoes she think she's kidding? Look at her, she's totally out\nof\n\ncontrol.\n\nSUE ELLEN\nI was thinking that woman looks like\nElaine Benes.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, ha ha ha. What have you been up\nto?\n\nSUE ELLEN\nI've just been hanging out.\n\nELAINE\nI see.\n\nSUE ELLEN\nOh, listen! I'm having a birthday party\ntomorrow evening,\n\nI'd love it if you came by.\n\nELAINE\nTomorrow...? I don't know if I can.\n\nSUE ELLEN\nNooo?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I'm just really, really busy.\n\nSUE ELLEN\nOh, that's too bad.\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nSUE ELLEN\nWell, I hope you can get me a gift anyway.........ha\nha ha.\n\nELAINE\nHa ha ha.\n\n(Yankee Stadium)\n\nWILHELM\nGeorge!?\n\nGEORGE\nMr. Wilhelm!\n\nWILHELM\nI'm sorry to interrupt you, but Mr Steinbrenner\nand I really\n\nwant you to know we appreciate all the hours you've been putting\n\nin....And, ah, confidentially, Sozonkel, our Assistant to the\nGeneral\n\nManger, hasn't really been working out. And the boos thinks,\nyou're the\n\nman for the job! So, keep it under your hat!\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nGEORGE\nAssistant to the General Manager!! You\nknow what means?!?\n\nHe'd could be askin' my advice on trades! Trades, Jerry, I'm\na\n\nheartbeat away!\n\nJERRY\nThat's a hell of an organization they're\nrunning up there. I\n\ncan't understand why they haven't won a pennant in 15 years.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd, it is all because of that car.\nYou see, Steinbrenner is\n\nlike the first guy in, at the crack of dawn. He sees my car,\nhe figures\n\nI'm the first guy in. Then, the last person to leave is Wilhelm.\nHe\n\nsee my car, he figures I'm burning the midnight oil. Between\nthe two of\n\nthem, they think I'm working an 18 hour day!\n\nJERRY\nLocking your keys in your car is the\nbest career move you ever\n\nmade.\n\n(Elaine enters)\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, how ya doing?!?\n\nELAINE\nBetter, now.\n\nJERRY\nyeah, what happened?\n\nELAINE\nYou know Sue Ellen Mishke?\n\nJERRY\nSue Ellen Mishke?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, the woman I grew up with in Maryland,\nshe moved here last\n\nyear...\n\nJERRY\nSounds familiar.\n\nELAINE\nThe heiress to the O'Henry candy bar\nfortune--\n\nJERRY\nOh, yeah, you mentioned her.\n\nELAINE\nYes. I ran into her today. This woman\nhas never, not once,\n\never, as long as I have known her, worn a bra.\n\nGEORGE\nAh, that is disgusting--\n\nJERRY\nThat is just shameless, I don't know,\nThere's no--\n\nGEORGE\nThe woman's a pig, what wrong with her--\n\nJERRY\nIt's wrong, it's rude, and it's--\n\nGEORGE\nIt's disgusting--\n\nELAINE\nAlright, there's no---\n\nGEORGE\nCome on! Come-on.\n\nJERRY\nWe're only kidding!\n\nELAINE\nYou don't understand. See, she hasn't\nchanged at all. She\n\nstole my boyfriend when I was in high school. I was at this party,\nand\n\nI was dating this really cute guy, his name was Tom Cosley, by\nthe way,\n\nand she goes walking by, in this little floozy outfit, and he\nfollows\n\nher, right out the door!\n\nJERRY\nShe's your Lex Luthor!\n\nELAINE\nHer birthday's comin' up, so I decided\nto get her a little\n\npresent.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you going to get her?\n\nELAINE\nA very traditional, a very supportive,\nbrazier.\n\nJERRY\nThere's nothing subtle about that.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no, she might just think its a gift.\n\nJERRY\nHave I ever bought you a jock strap\nas a gift?\n\n(The coffee shop)\n\nGEORGE\nAhhh, Hey-Ho.\n\nJERRY\nWhat the hell are you doing here, aren't\nyou supposed to be at\n\nwork?!?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, well I'm thinking about getting\nout of town with Susan\n\nfor a few days....Her parents rebuilt the cabin!\n\nJERRY\nSo, you're just taking off from work?\n\nGEORGE\nThey won't know. I got the car there.\n\nJERRY\nDo you think this is such a good idea,\nwith you being on the\n\nverge of this big promotion?\n\nGEORGE\nMy presence, in that office, can only\nhurt my chances.\n\n(Elaine's office at J Peterman)\n\nELAINE\nSue Ellen Mishke? Ah, alright, send\nher in.\n\n(Sue Ellen enters, wearing the brazier as a top, with a black\nblazer)\n\nSUE ELLEN\nHi Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nHellllloo.\n\nSUE ELLEN\nI happened to be in the neighborhood,\nso I thought I'd stop\n\nin, and thank you for your lovely gift.\n\nELAINE\nOhhhhh. You're....welcome.\n\nSUE ELLEN\nIs anything wrong?\n\nELAINE\nWell, Sue Ellen, it's a, it's not a\ntop, it's a bra.\n\nSUE ELLEN\nOh, I know. Thanks again.\n\n(The Rosses cabin)\n\nGEORGE\nThis is the life! Isn't it, huh, kid?\n\nSUSAN\nWanna check out a swap meet?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, maybe. Where'd you get that?\n\nSUSAN\nOh, it was on the windshield of the\ncar when we came out of that\n\nrest stop.\n\n(George sits up suddenly)\n\n(Jerry's apartment, phone ringing)\n\nJERRY\nYello.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, hey, it's George, I need ya to\ndo me a favor.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's goin' on?\n\nGEORGE\nI just remembered, there's this Chinese\nrestaurant out near\n\nYankee Stadium, that puts flyers on all the cars.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, so?\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, this is what ya gotta do: I\nneed ya to go out to the\n\nparking lot at Yankee Stadium, and take the flyers off my car.\n\nJERRY\nYou know last time you had me throwin'\na rye bread up three\n\nfloors to you, now you want me to go up to the Bronx, take flyers\noff\n\nyour car, where does it end?!?\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, alright. I'll drive the 4 hours\neach way, 6 hours all\n\ntogether, and take 'em off myself!!\n\nJERRY\nAlright, alright, I'll do it!!\n\n(Jerry hangs up, Kramer enters Jerry's apartment)\n\nJERRY\nHey, what are ya up to?\n\nKramer. Nothin'.\n\nJERRY\nDo ya wanna go with me up to the Bronx\nand see if there's any\n\nflyers on George's car.\n\nKRAMER\nSure!\n\nJERRY\nI guess I coulda said just about anything\nthere, couldn't I?\n\nKRAMER\nyep.\n\n(Yankee Stadium parking lot.)\n\n(George's car is covered with flyers bird droppings)\n\nJERRY\nOh, man, look at this mess! You know\nwhat's gonna happen if\n\nthey see this? What are we gonna do?\n\nKRAMER\nI don't know.\n\nJERRY\nWell, we gotta get it washed....Ah,\nthe keys are locked inside!\n\nKRAMER\nWait a second....\n\nJERRY\nWhat are ya gonna do?\n\nKRAMER\nI'll just snag the lock with this. Here\nwe go...\n\nJERRY\nYeah, this quite a life I lead here,\nhuh?\n\n(Jerry and Kramer driving George's car, after the car wash.\n\nKramer is behind the wheel.)\n\nKRAMER\nGeorge has gotta be happy about this.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, yeah, yeah...\n\nJERRY\nOh my God, Kramer, is that woman just\nwearing a bra?\n\n(Sue Ellen is seen walking down the street)\n\nKRAMER\nOh, mama.\n\nJERRY\nKramer!!!\n\n(Car crashes into a lamp post)\n\n(Commercial)\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nELAINE\nMy God, are you okay?\n\nKRAMER\nI got a cut on my head and I banged\nmy shoulder.\n\nJERRY\nI guess I have to bring his car back\nup to the stadium, if it\n\ncan make it.\n\nELAINE\nSo how did this happen?\n\nJERRY\nHe was starin' at some woman!\n\nKRAMER\nI couldn't help it, you saw what she\nwas wearing.\n\nELAINE\nWhat woman?\n\nJERRY\nThere was this beautiful woman walking\ndown the street wearing\n\njust a bra. I can't get that image out of my mind.\n\nELAINE\nOh...my God.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nWas it a tall woman, in a black blazer?\n\nJERRY\nYeah!\n\nELAINE\nOhhh! That's Sue Ellen Mishke!\n\nJERRY\nSue Ellen Mishke?\n\nELAINE\nThat's the bra I gave here, she's wearing\nit as a top! The\n\nwoman is walking around in broad daylight with nothing but a\nbra on,\n\nshe's a menace to society.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, my arm really hurts. I wonder\nif its gonna affect my\n\ngolf swing.\n\n(Kramer makes a golf swing motion and collapses in pain)\n\n(Stan enters)\n\nSTAN\nI got your message, how's the shoulder?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, it's my left arm, I can't swing\nit!\n\nSTAN\nNo, no. Not the left arm!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat happens if I can't play like I\nwas? What about the tour,\n\nand all my dreams?\n\nELAINE\nOh! I got it! Let's sue her!\n\nKRAMER\nSue her?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, she's loaded. She's the heiress\nto the O'Henry candy bar\n\nfortune.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, no, I can't. I learned my lesson\nfrom that coffee\n\ncompany.\n\nELAINE\nKramer, listen to me. Listen! This is\na once in a lifetime\n\nopportunity. Your dreams have been shattered, somebody's got\nto be held\n\naccountable. Come on, we'll take for every penny she's got!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat do you think, Stan?\n\nSTAN\nLet's go for the green! You know a good\nlawyer?\n\n(Kramer smiles)\n\n(Jackie Chiles' office)\n\nJACKIE\nSo you're driving in the car, you're\nwith your friend, minding\n\nyour own business?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nJACKIE\nThen what happened?\n\nKRAMER\nThe we saw this woman, and she was wearing\na bra with no top.\n\nJACKIE\nNo top? She didn't have a top on?\n\nKRAMER\nNo. So I got distracted and I crashed\nthe car.\n\nJACKIE\nWell how would you describe this woman?\nWould you say she was\n\nan attractive woman?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah.\n\nJACKIE\nSo we got an attractive woman, wearing\na bra, no top, walkin'\n\naround in broad daylight. She's flouting society's conventions!\n\nKRAMER\nShe was flouting.\n\nJACKIE\nThat's totally inappropriate. It's lewd,\nvesivius, salacious,\n\noutrageous!\n\nKRAMER\nIt was outrageous. And she's the heir\nto the O'Henry candy bar\n\nfortune.\n\nJACKIE\nCould you repeat that?\n\nKRAMER\nI said she's the heir to the O'Henry\ncandy bar fortune.\n\nJACKIE\nO'Henry? That's one of our top-selling\ncandy bars. It's got\n\nchocolate, peanuts, nougat, it's delicious, scrumptious, outstanding!\n\nHave you been to a doctor?\n\nKRAMER\nNo.\n\nJACKIE\nSusie, call Dr. Bison, set up an\n\nappointment for Mr. Kramer, tell him it's for me.\n\nKRAMER\nSo whadda ya think, Jackie? I mean we\ngot a case?\n\nJACKIE\nLike taking candy from a baby.\n\n(The cabin)\n\nGEORGE\nI think I got it. How 'bout this? How\n'bout this? We trade Jim\n\nLeyritz and Bernie Williams, for Barry Bonds, huh? Whadda ya\nthink?\n\nThat way you have Griffey and Bonds, in the same outfield! Now\nyou got\n\na team! Ha ha ha.\n\nSUSAN\nI don't know, George. I'm still worried\nabout this car thing.\n\nGEORGE\nWould ya stop worrying?\n\nSUSAN\nWell, what about the flyers?\n\nGEORGE\nJerry took the flyers off the car, I\ngot the whole thing\n\ncovered.\n\n(Yankee Stadium parking lot)\n\n(Jerry having difficulty parking the car. After getting the car\nin the\n\nspace, Jerry leans against the door, trying to close it. Finally\nhe\n\ngives up and leaves, kicking a piece of the car under it as he\ngoes)\n\n(Yankee Stadium, Steinbrenner's office, someone is knocking)\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nCome in!\n\n(Wilhelm enters)\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nAh, Wilhelm.\n\nWILHELM\nMr. Steinbrenner, I am very concerned\nabout George Costanza.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nHow 'bout a 'good morning'?\n\nWILHELM\nYes sir, good morning, good morning,\nsir.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nGood morning to you, Wilhelm.\n\nWILHELM\nAnyway, his car's in the parking lot,\nthe front end is based\n\nin, and there's blood in the car, and we can't find him anywhere.\n\nObviously he was in some sort of terrible car accident, and,\ntrooper\n\nthat he is, he tried to make it into work, sir.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nAlright, Wilhelm, listen to me. I want\nthe stadium\n\nscoured. He could be bleeding to death in the bullpen. Put everyone\non\n\nalert, check all the area hospitals, clinics, shelters, we've\ngotta find\n\nthat kid.\n\nWILHELM\nYes sir, yes sir.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nWe must find George, find him, Wilhelm!\n\n(The hallway in Jerry's building)\n\n(As Jerry walks down the hall to his apartment, he finds Sue\nEllen\n\nknocking on Kramer's door)\n\nSUE ELLEN\nExcuse me, do you happen to know the\ngentleman across the\n\nhall?\n\nJERRY\nYes, yes, I do.\n\nSUE ELLEN\nDo you happen to know if he'll be back\nanytime soon?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I don't.\n\nSUE ELLEN\nOh...\n\nJERRY\nIs there something I can help you with?\n\nSUE ELLEN\nNo, I really just needed to speak with\nhim.\n\nJERRY\nWell, you can wait for him in here if\nyou like.\n\nSUE ELLEN\nOh, maybe I will.\n\n(Jerry quickly unlocks his door, before she can change her mind)\n\nSUE ELLEN\nIf you don't mind.\n\nJERRY\nNo, no, not at all.\n\nSUE ELLEN\nThanks.\n\nJERRY\nI'm Jerry Seinfeld.\n\n(Yankee Stadium, Steinbrenner's office, someone is knocking)\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nWhat is with these people, all day long.\nCome in, come\n\nin.\n\nWILHELM\nAh, Mr. Steinbrenner, you know, we've\nsearched everywhere,\n\nthere's no sign of him. Not even anyone who remotely fits his\n\ndescription, sir.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nOh my God, do you know what this means,\nWilhelm?\n\nWILHELM\nWhat, sir?\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nHe's dead! Costanza's dead!\n\nWILHELM\nWell, no, no, you see, I don't think--\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nAs quickly as he came here, he's gone.\nThe poor little\n\nguy! Easy. Easy, big Stein, get it together. Ok, Wilhelm.\n\nWILHELM\nYessir?\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nFind out where his parents live.\n\nWILHELM\nParents.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nI'm gonna personally notify them. ...and,\nah, line up\n\nsome candidates to fill that assistant to the General Manager\nposition,\n\nwe can't grieve forever! We gotta get back to business! Back\nto\n\nBusiness Wilhelm!\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nWell, buddy, he's taking the case! Jackie\nChiles is right on\n\nit! Right on it, he's all over it!\n\nJERRY\nOh, really?\n\nKRAMER\nWhy, wh-wh-what's wrong, come on?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, so the woman was walking\naround in a bra, I mean\n\nit's no big deal. You're still drivin'. You should have been\nwatching\n\nthe road.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, your attitude has certainly changed.\n\nJERRY\nI don't think my attitude has changed.\n\nKRAMER\nNow listen, Jerry, I'm gonna need you\nto testify.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I don't know if I....\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, Jerry, you gotta testify!\n\nJERRY\nI don't think I--\n\nKRAMER\nListen, this is a million dollars we're\ntalkin' about, Jerry,\n\nnow this is the big league, the big time, now I need you on my\nteam,\n\nJerry!\n\nJERRY\nWell, I'm just not sure how I feel about\nit, Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright what's gotten into you, what's\nhappened?!?\n\nJERRY\nNothing's happened.\n\nKRAMER\nGoohhhhck.\n\n(As Kramer begins to leave, he notices an O'Henry wrapper in\nthe garbage\n\ncan)\n\nKRAMER\nOhhhh, what's this?\n\nJERRY\nOh, no, no, no, wait a second, wait\na second,...\n\nKRAMER\nI see....Yessss. Little Miss Candy Bar\npaid a visit, didn't\n\nshe?\n\nJERRY\nKramer, it is not what you think.\n\nKRAMER\nAh, Ah, Ahhhhh! I know what I think.\nI think you're gaga over\n\nthis dame. She's twisted you around her little finger, and now,\nyou're\n\nwilling to sell me, and Elaine, and whoever else you have to,\nright down\n\nthe river.\n\nJERRY\nAnd what about yooou?!? Tryin' to bilk\nan innocent bystander\n\nout of a family fortune, built on sweat and toil, manufacturing\nquality\n\nO'Henry candy bars, for honest, hard-working Americans!\n\nKRAMER\nYou're just out for sex!\n\nJERRY\nYou're just out for money!\n\nKRAMER AND JERRY\nAh, Ah, Ahhhhh!\n\n(The Costanza house, Queens)\n\n(Steinbrenner is knocking, Estelle open the door)\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nMrs. Costanza?\n\nESTELLE\nYesss?\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nMy name is George Steinbrenner, I'm\nafraid I have some\n\nvery sad new about your son.\n\n(Scene changes to Costanza living room)\n\nESTELLE\nI can't believe it, he was so young.\nHow could this\n\nhave happened?\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nWell, he'd been logging some pretty\nheavy hours, first\n\none in in the morning, last one to leave at night. That kid was\na human\n\ndynamo.\n\nESTELLE\nAre you sure you're talking about George?\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nYou are Mr. and Mrs. Costanza?\n\nFRANK\nWhat the hell did you trade Jay Buhner\nfor?!? He had\n\n30 home runs, over 100 RBIs last year, he's got a rocket for\nan arm, you\n\ndon't know what the hell you're doin'!!\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nWell, Buener was a good prospect, no\nquestion about it.\n\nBut my baseball people love Ken Phelps' bat. They kept saying\n'Ken\n\nPhelps, Ken Phelps'.\n\n(Jerry entering his apartment, as Frank is leaving a message\non\n\nhis answering machine)\n\nFRANK\nJerry, it's Frank Costanza, Mr.\n\nSteinbrenner is here, George is dead, call me back!\n\n(The phone rings again)\n\nJERRY\nHello?\n\nGEORGE\nHey, it's George.\n\nJERRY\nWhere have you been?!?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nI just got the most bizarre message\nfrom you father,\n\nSteinbrenner is at you house, they think you're dead!\n\nGEORGE\nDead?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, and we had an accident with your\ncar, it's a little\n\ncrumpled.\n\nGEORGE\nMy car is a little crumpled?!?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, yeah, I didn't know what to do\nso I put it back at the\n\nstadium. Oh, wait a second, wait a second, they saw the car,\nthey saw\n\nthe blood, they couldn't find ya, and now that's why Steinbrenner\nthinks\n\nyou're dead!\n\nGEORGE\nOkay, I gotta head back right away,\nI'll -- I gotta figure\n\nsomething out here.\n\nJERRY\nWell you gotta call your parents.\n\nGEORGE\nI can't, Steinbrenner might still be\nthere!\n\nJERRY\nAren't you gonna tell your parents you're\nstill alive?\n\nGEORGE\nNnnooo! They could use the break!\n\n(Elaine's office at J Peterman)\n\n(Elaine is at her desk, Peterman enters)\n\nPETERMAN\nElaine, do you see this? Do you see\nwhat\n\nI'm holding is my hands?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, it's a bra.\n\nPETERMAN\nI saw a woman in our hallway wearing\none of these as a top.\n\nWhat exquisite beauty, I ran down the hallway to talk to her,\nbut the\n\nelevator door closed. It was not to be. Perhaps our paths will\ncross\n\nagain some day.\n\nELAINE\nWhat is this all about?\n\nPETERMAN\nI wanna market this item as a new direction\nin women's\n\nFitzgerald, aaaand, somebody in the 20s, wearing this at wild\nparties,\n\ndriving all the men crazy.....Have it on my desk by the end of\nthe week.\n\n(Yankee Stadium, Steinbrenner's office, someone is knocking)\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nCome in, come in.\n\n(George enters, with a bandage on his head, walking with crutches)\n\nGEORGE\nMr. Steinbrenner--\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nAhhh, Ahhh! Ah, ah ah! Is it you?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, it's me sir. It's been a harrowing\nfew days. After the\n\ncar accident, I crawled into a ditch and managed to survive on\ngrubs and\n\npuddle water, until a kindly old gentleman picked me up.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nGrubs, huh? Gotta admit, I never tasted\none of those.\n\nGEORGE\nAnyway, as I was lying in the puddle,\nI think I may have found\n\na way for us to get Bonds and Griffey, and we wouldn't have to\ngive up\n\nthat much.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nWell, don't tell it to me George, tell\nit to the new\n\nAssistant to the General Manager.\n\nGEORGE\nI didn't get the job?\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nWell, once you were dead, we couldn't\njust sit on our\n\nhands. We had to make a move...\n\n(Dejected, George turns to leave, no longer walking with he crutches,\n\nand takes the bandage off his head)\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nBut, you still have your old job. Of\ncourse, we'll have\n\nto dock you for the time you missed. We're running a ball club\nhere.\n\nIf I give special treatment to you, everyone will want it. Next\nthing\n\nyou know its chaos! And I can tell you this, chaos does not work\nfor\n\nthe New York Yankees! Not as long as I'm running the show!\n\n(Courtroom)\n\nJACKIE\nSo it was the meeting on the street\nthat prompted you to buy\n\nthe bra for Miss Mishke, would you say that was correct?\n\nELAINE\nYes...ummm, yes, that's correct.\n\n(Sue Ellen leans back and smiles at Jerry, Kramer notices, worried)\n\nJACKIE\nAnd you have also brought with you,\nanother bra, exactly like\n\nthe one that she so flagrantly exhibited herself in!\n\nELAINE\nYes, that's correct.\n\n(Kramer is now on the witness stand)\n\nJACKIE\nWhat was you golf score, the last round\nyou played...before you\n\nshoulder was injured?\n\nKRAMER\nThree under par.\n\n(Stan nods proudly)\n\nJACKIE\nOooohhhh, three under par...That's what\nthe\n\nprofessionals shoot, isn't it?\n\nKRAMER\nIf they're lucky.\n\n(Stan laughs)\n\n(Jerry is now on the witness stand)\n\nJACKIE\nWould you tell this jury exactly what\nyou saw on the corner of\n\n83rd Street and Columbus?\n\nJERRY\nI...don't remember.\n\nJACKIE\nWell, did you, or did you not, see the\ndefendant, wearing the\n\nbra?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know. Maybe.\n\nJACKIE\nMr. Seinfeld, I might remind you that\nyou are under oath. Now\n\nI ask you again, did you or did you not, see this woman wearing\nthe\n\nbra?!?\n\nJERRY\n....Alright, alright, I saw her! And\nshe was beautiful in that\n\nbra! I'm crazy about her! I love her whole free swinging, free\n\nwheeling attitude!\n\nJUDGE\nThis court will come to order!\n\nJACKIE\nNo further questions, your honor.\n\nJUDGE\nYou may step down.\n\nJACKIE\nI think we got this wrapped up.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah...What's your read, Stan?\n\nSTAN\nYou're close, you're on the green. You\njust have to go for the cup.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat do you mean?\n\nSTAN\nHave her try on the bra, see if it fits.\n\nJACKIE\nNo, no, no, no!\n\nKRAMER\nDo it, Jackie. Stan's the man.\n\nJACKIE\nStan? Who the hell is Stan?\n\nKRAMER\nHe's my caddy.\n\nJACKIE\nYou're caddy?!? This is a big mistake!\n\nKRAMER\nG- cada-\n\nJACKIE\nYour honor, we request at this time,\nthat Miss Mishke...try on the bra.\n\nJUDGE\nThis court will come to order! Go ahead\nMiss Mishke, try it on.\n\n(Sue Ellen proceeds to try on the bra, over her top, but it seems\ntoo\n\nsmall)\n\nSUE ELLEN\nAh, it doesn't fit...I can't put it\non.\n\nJACKIE\nDamn fools! Look at that! We got nothin'\nnow, nothin'! I've been practicing law\nfor 25 years, you're listenin' to a\ncaddy! This is a public humiliation!\nYou can't let the defendant have control\nof the key piece of evidence. Plus,\nshe's trying it on over a leotard, of\ncourse a bra's not gonna fit on over\na leotard. A bra gotta fit right up\na person's skin, like a glove!\n\n(Elaine's office)\n\n(Two women enter wearing bras as tops)\n\nWOMAN #1\nOh, hey, Elaine, how 'bout some lunch?\n\nELAINE\nOh, no, I don't think so.\n\nWOMAN #2\nGreat job on the Gatzby Swing Top. It's\na winner.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, yeah, thanks.\n\nWOMAN #1\nAre you sure you don't wanna go? We\nhave reservations.\n\nELAINE\nOh, I don't think you'll have any trouble\ngettin' a table.\n\nWOMAN #1\nCiao.\n\nWOMAN #2\nBa-bye.\n\n(Elaine makes a gun with her fingers and points it to her head)\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Seven.html",
    "text": "THE SEVEN\n\nWritten by\n\nAlec Berg & Jeff Schaffer\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJerry's standup piece.\n\nJERRY\nI love it when people are complimented\non something they're wearing and they\naccept the compliment as if it was about\nthem. \"Nice tie.\" \"Well, thank you.\nThank you very much.\" The compliment\nis for the tie, it's not for you, but\nwe take it. That's kind of the job of\nclothes; to get compliments for us,\nbecause it's very hard to get compliments\nbased on your human qualities. Right?\nLet's face it, no matter how nice a\nperson you are, nobody's gonna come\nsay \"Hey, nice person.\" It's much easier\nto be a bastard and just try and match\nthe colours up.\n\n(Antique Toy Store)\n\nElaine and Jerry enter a store stocked with the toys of yesteryear.\n\nThey look around at the array of classic teddy bears, toy boats,\npuppets, etc.\n\nELAINE\n(awed) Oh, look at this!\n\nJERRY\nBoy, I miss the days they made toys\nthat could kill a kid.\n\nSomething on the wall catches Elaine's eye.\n\nIt's an old-fashioned girl's bicycle, with high handlebars, a\npink frame and a basket on the front.\n\nELAINE\n(excited) Oh, cool! Look at that!\n\nJerry looks over, but his eye is drawn more towards an attractive\n\nwoman, Christie, who stands looking at the toys. She's wearing\na dress of\n\nmid-thigh length, black from the bottom of the ribs down, and\nwhite on the chest\n\nand arms.\n\nJERRY\n(admiring Christie) Yeah, I'm right\nthere with ya.\n\nELAINE\n(excited) That is a Schwinn Stingray!\nAnd it's the girl's model! Oh, I always\nwanted one of these when I was little.\n\nChristie leaves her examination of the toys on that side of the\nstore,\n\nand walks over to some other items. Jerry watches her as she\ngoes, she notices\n\nand smiles and flirtatious looks are exchanged. Jerry is oblivious\nto Elaine's\n\nvoice.\n\nELAINE\nWhat d'you think Jerry? Jerry?\n\nJERRY\n(tearing himself away from Christie)\nHuh?\n\nELAINE\nWhat d'you think?\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah, be great for your paper route.\n\nELAINE\n(laughs) I love it. I'm getting it.\n\nElaine reaches for the bike, as Jerry turns back to Christie.\n\nELAINE\nCan you help me get it down, Jer? Jerry.\n\nCHRISTIE\nI think your friend needs some help\nover there.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, the only way to really help\nher is to just let her be.\n\nElaine gives up on Jerry assisting her and tries to lift the\nbike off\n\nthe wall on her own. But as she raises it, the weight proves\ntoo much and she\n\nfalls backwards, ending up on her back on the floor with the\nbike pinning her\n\ndown. She struggles to lift it, but can't make much impression,\nso she rings\n\nthe bell on the bike. Jerry finally has his attention drawn away\nfrom Christie.\n\nELAINE\nHey!\n\nElaine makes 'So, are you gonna help me?' gestures.\n\n(Restaurant)\n\nGeorge and Susan are having dinner with Ken and Carrie. Carrie\nis\n\nHeavily pregnant. George is eating spaghetti with his usual decorum.\n\nSUSAN\nA little baby girl?\n\nKEN\nDoctor says it could be any day now.\n\nGEORGE\n(through mouthful of food) So, Carrie,\nyou and Susan are\n\ncousins. So your baby daughter is gonna be Susan's second cousin,\nright? So what\n\ndoes that make me?\n\nCARRIE\nDoesn't make you anything.\n\nGEORGE\n(jokingly) Well, so, legally, I could\nmarry your daughter.\n\nGeorge laughs and shovels another load of pasta into his mouth.\nKen and\n\nCarrie look perturbed.\n\nSUSAN\nSo, have you picked out a name yet?\n\nCARRIE\nWell, we've narrowed it down to a few.\nWe like Kimberley.\n\nSUSAN\nAww.\n\nGEORGE\n(negative) Hu-ho, boy.\n\nKEN\nYou don't like Kimberley?\n\nGEORGE\nEch. What else you got?\n\nKEN\nHow about Joan?\n\nGEORGE\nAw c'mon, I'm eating here.\n\nSUSAN\n(warning) George!\n\nCARRIE\nPamela?\n\nGEORGE\nPamela?! Awright, I tell you what. You\nlook like nice people,\n\nI'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda.\n\nKEN\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nSoda. S-O-D-A. Soda.\n\nCARRIE\nI don't know, it sounds a little strange.\n\nGEORGE\nAll names sound strange the first time\nyou hear 'em. What, you\n\nTelling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they\nheard it?\n\nKEN\nYeah, but uh... Soda?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, that's right. It's working.\n\nCARRIE\nWe'll put it on the list.\n\nGEORGE\nI solve problems. That's just what I\ndo.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry sits in front of the TV, while in the kitchen Kramer is\nbuilding\n\nA sandwich of epic proportions. He hums to himself as he piles\nsliced\n\nmeat onto bread. Jerry looks over at him, looking somewhat irritated\nby the way\n\nKramer's demolishing his food stocks.\n\nKRAMER\n(sniffing a slice of meat) Yeah, oh\nboy. Mmm, that's good.\n\nJERRY\nYou're really going to town with that\nturkey there.\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah, I got a big appetite.\n\nKramer goes to the fridge and looks inside.\n\nKRAMER\nUhh, Jerry, you got no mustard, huh.\n\nJERRY\nIt's on the door.\n\nKRAMER\n(examining a yellow squeeze bottle)\nWhat, this yellow stuff?\n\nNo, I said mustard, Jerry. Dijon.\n\nKramer waves away the squeezy option and shuts the fridge.\n\nKRAMER\nAh, 's no good.\n\nKramer goes back to his sandwich, puts the second slice of bread\non,\n\nand takes a bite. It doesn't meet with his approval. He spits\nout the mouthful he's\n\ntaken onto the plate, and dumps the rest of the sandwich next\nto it.\n\nKRAMER\nNo. That's bush league.\n\nKramer heads toward the door.\n\nJERRY\nHey, hey. Wha... wait... what, you're\ngonna leave it there?\n\nThat's like half a pound of turkey!\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, I can't eat that. You can't\neat a sandwich without\n\nDijon.\n\nJERRY\n(sarcasm) Yeah, you're right. I really\nshould keep more of your\n\nfavourites on hand.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, hey, hey. I'm getting a vibe here.\nWhat, are you unhappy\n\nwith our arrangement?\n\nJERRY\nWhat arrangement?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I was under the impression that\nI could take anything I\n\nWanted from your fridge, and you could take whatever you want\nfrom mine.\n\nJERRY\n(sarcasm) Yeah, well, lemme know when\nyou get something in there\n\nand I will.\n\nElaine enters. She has her head leaning over to the left, and\nshe's\n\nMoving carefully, like it's giving her pain.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, hey.\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey. What's with your neck?\n\nELAINE\nStill killing me from having to get\nthat bike off the wall.\n\n(pointedly) By myself.\n\nJERRY\nWell, if it's any consolation, I did\nget her number.\n\nELAINE\n(sitting) Ah, I think I really strained\nit. Ow.\n\nJERRY\nAw, I doubt you strained it. Maybe you\npulled it.\n\nELAINE\nAch, maybe.\n\nJERRY\nDid you twist it? You coulda twisted\nit.\n\nELAINE\nI don't know.\n\nJERRY\nDid you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe\nyou squeezed it. Turned\n\nit...\n\nELAINE\n(patience exhausted) You know what,\nwhy don't you just shut the\n\nhell up?\n\nJERRY\nAwright.\n\nELAINE\nGod. Man, this is killing me. Right\nnow, I would give that bike\n\nto the first person who could make this pain go away.\n\nKRAMER\nAw, you really hurting, huh?\n\nELAINE\nOh, Kramer, it's just awful.\n\nKRAMER\nUh hmm. Well, your arterioles have constricted.\n\nKramer walks around behind the seated Elaine, and reaches for\nher neck.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, lean forward, relax.\n\nELAINE\n(worried) What? What?\n\nKRAMER\nEncounter shiatsu.\n\nKramer begins to work at Elaine's neck with his thumbs.\n\nELAINE\nWait a minute. Kramer, you know what\nyou're doing here?\n\nKRAMER\n(continuing to work) Ohh yeah. A wise\nman once taught me the\n\nHealing power of the body's natural pressure points.\n\nELAINE\nAh hah.\n\nKRAMER\n(to Jerry) He sells tee-shirts outside\nthe World Trade Centre.\n\nELAINE\n(seriously worried) Wha...?\n\nKRAMER\nHe's a genius. Here we go...\n\nKramer takes a firm grip of each side of Elaine's head. Elaine\nlooks\n\nReally worried now. She grabs a hold of Jerry's shirt and the\narm of the\n\ncouch, and her feet stamp on the floor.\n\nKRAMER\nFrom pain, will come pleasure.\n\nKramer violently twists Elaine's head to the left. There's a\nloud\n\nCrunching sound, and Elaine cries out in shock. Kramer lets go\nof her head and\n\nsteps away, job done.\n\nKRAMER\nUh? Voila.\n\nELAINE\n(pleasantly surprised) Oh my god!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nElaine rolls her head around, completely comfortable.\n\nELAINE\nWow! That is unbelievable. The pain\nis totally gone!\n\nJERRY\nWhat's even more amazing is his formal\ntraining is in\n\npaediatrics.\n\nKRAMER\nAwright, my work is done here.\n\nKramer heads for the door.\n\nELAINE\n(big smile) Oh man! Kramer, thank you!\n\nKRAMER\n(closing the door) Yeah, you can send\nthat bike over any time.\n\nELAINE\n(after Kramer) What? (to Jerry) What,\nwhat is he talking about?\n\nJERRY\nI dunno. (realising) Oh, 'cos you said\nyou'd give the bike to\n\nanyone who fixes your neck.\n\nELAINE\nYou really think he wants the bike?\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah.\n\nELAINE\nIt took him like ten seconds!\n\nJERRY\nWell, that's the most he's worked in\nthe last four months.\n\n(George's Car)\n\nGeorge and Susan, heading home from the restaurant. George is\nhappy,\n\nsmiling and whistling.\n\nGEORGE\nI think they really went for that Soda.\n\nSUSAN\nWhat, are you crazy? They hated it.\nThey were just humouring\n\nyou.\n\nGEORGE\nAh, alright. Believe me, that kid's\ngonna be called Soda.\n\nSUSAN\nI can tell you, I would never name my\nchild Soda.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, no no no. Course not. I got a great\nname for our kids. A\n\nReal original. You wanna hear what it is? Huh, you ready?\n\nSUSAN\nYeah.\n\nGeorge uses his finger to draw a number 7 in the air, accompanying\nthe\n\nStrokes of his digit with a two-tone whistle.\n\nSUSAN\nWhat is that? Sign language?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, Seven.\n\nSUSAN\nSeven Costanza? You're serious?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy\nor a girl...\n\nSusan scoffs.\n\nGEORGE\n...especially a girl. Or a boy.\n\nSUSAN\nI don't think so.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, you don't like the name?\n\nSUSAN\nIt's not a name. It's a number.\n\nGEORGE\nI know. It's Mickey Mantle's number.\nSo not only is it an all\n\nAround beautiful name, it is also a living tribute.\n\nSUSAN\nIt's awful. I hate it!\n\nGEORGE\n(angry) Well, that's the name!\n\nSUSAN\n(also angry) Oh no it is not! No child\nof mine is ever going to\n\nbe named Seven!\n\nGEORGE\n(yelling) Awright, let's just stay calm\nhere! Don't get all\n\ncrazy on me!\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry walks from the bathroom, talking to George, who's just\ntold him\n\nabout his contretemps with Susan.\n\nJERRY\nSeven? Yeah, I guess I could see it.\nSeven. Seven periods of\n\nschool, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating,\nand eventually\n\nseven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service.\n\nGEORGE\n(adamant) Yes I am. I defy you to come\nup with a better name\n\nthan Seven.\n\nJerry walks toward the kitchen. He sees an item on the counter.\n\nJERRY\nAwright, let's see. How about Mug? (picks\nup the mug) Mug\n\nCostanza, that's original. (he turns and sees another item) Or\nuh, Ketchup?\n\nPretty name for a girl.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, you having a good time there?\n\nJerry is in the kitchen, and opens a cupboard. His eyes run over\nthe\n\narray of good within.\n\nJERRY\nI got fifty right here in the cupboard.\nHow about Bisquik?\n\nPimento. Gherkin. Sauce. Maxwell House.\n\nGEORGE\n(shouts) Awright already!! This is a\nvery key issue with me,\n\nJerry. I had this name for a long time.\n\nJerry comes back into the living room. A thought occurs.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I forgot to call Christie.\n\nGEORGE\nChristie? That's the one you met in\nthe antique store?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, she had this great black and white\ndress, with a scoop\n\nneck. She looked like some kinda superhero.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd you met her in an antique store!\nI don't know how you do\n\nit!\n\nJERRY\n(smug) I'm not engaged.\n\nGeorge gives Jerry a look. Kramer enters. He's carrying a small\n\ngoldfish bowl, a pad and a pencil tied to the bowl by string.\n\nKRAMER\nAh, I got it.\n\nJERRY\nGot what?\n\nKRAMER\n(putting the items on the counter) Got\nthe answer, Jerry.\n\nRefrigerator problem, is solved.\n\nJERRY\nOh, it's no problem. You can take whatever\nyou want.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I will. But now, I'm accountable.\nAlright, I take what I\n\nwant.\n\nKramer takes a cupcake from a box on the counter.\n\nKRAMER\nHere. I write it down. (he writes) \"One\ncupcake.\" And then I\n\nput it in the bowl. (he tears off the sheet, crumples it and\ndrops it into the\n\nbowl) There. Very simple.\n\nJERRY\nSort of a mooching inventory.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no. Not mooching. 'Cos at the end\nof the week, you add 'em\n\nall up, and you give me the bill.\n\nJERRY\nAlright.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, now look I gotta run some errands,\nso look. When\n\nElaine comes by with that bike, you hang onto it for me, alright?\n\nGeorge passes by as he goes to the fridge.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, I don't know if you're getting\nthat bike.\n\nKRAMER\nYes I am. We had a verbal contract.\nIf we can't take each other\n\nat our word, all is lost.\n\nGeorge has fetched a Diet Coke from the fridge. He opens it.\nKramer\n\nhears the hiss, and notices George.\n\nKRAMER\n(waving at the bowl) Oh yeah, yeah.\nPut that on my tab.\n\n(Restaurant)\n\nJerry and Christie have just arrived. They're both wearing long\ncoats,\n\nFastened to the collar.\n\nJERRY\nWell this is it. The food is atrocious,\nbut the busboys are the\n\nbest in the city.\n\nA member of staff approaches.\n\nMAITRE D'\nMay I take your coat, miss?\n\nCHRISTIE\nYes, thank you.\n\nThe Maitre d' helps Christie to slip out of her coat, revealing\nthat\n\nshe has on the exact same dress as she was wearing in the antique\nstore. Jerry\n\nlooks bemused, but plasters on a fixed smile as Christie looks\nat him.\n\n(Monks')\n\nJerry and George sit in a booth, discussing the previous night.\nGeorge\n\nFingers his chin thoughtfully.\n\nGEORGE\nThe same outfit?\n\nJERRY\nThe exact same outfit.\n\nGEORGE\nHow many days was it between encounters.\n\nJERRY\nThree.\n\nGEORGE\nThree days. Well, maybe you caught her\non the cusp of a new\n\nwash cycle. You know, she did laundry the day after she met you,\neverything got\n\nclean and she started all over again.\n\nJERRY\nPossibly, but then shouldn't the outfit\nonly reappear again at\n\nthe end of the cycle?\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe she moved it up in the rotation.\n\nJERRY\nWhy? It's our first date, she's already\nin reruns?\n\nGEORGE\nVery curious.\n\nJERRY\nIndeed.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, Einstein wore the exact same\noutfit every day.\n\nJERRY\nWell, if she splits the atom, I'll let\nit slide.\n\nGEORGE\n(picking up his coat) Awright, I'm heading\nhome.\n\nJERRY\nHey, did Susan change her mind about\nthe name?\n\nGEORGE\n(standing) Not yet, but she's weakening.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, George, just because your\nlife is destroyed, don't\n\nDestroy someone else's.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's Mickey Mantle, Jerry. My idol.\n\nJERRY\nHow about 'Mickey'?\n\nGEORGE\n'Mickey'? (incredulous) 'Mickey'!\n\nGeorge walks away, half-laughing at Jerry's ludicrous suggestion.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry is in the fridge. Kramer enters with a slide of the feet,\nand a\n\ncigar in his mouth.\n\nKRAMER\nHey buddy.\n\nJERRY\n(holding up a can) Hey, is this your\nhalf a can of soda in the\n\nfridge?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, that's yours. My half is gone.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I put my half a can here on the\ntab. Why, what's your\n\nbeef?\n\nJERRY\nYou cannot buy half a can of soda.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, why not.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I don't wanna get into the whole\nphysics of carbonation\n\nwith you here, but you know the sound a can makes when you open\nit?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nThat is the sound of you buying a whole\ncan. And the same goes\n\nfor this, okay...\n\nJerry holds up an apple, from which has been taken one large\nbite.\n\nJERRY\n...When you pierce the skin of a piece\nof fruit, you've bought\n\nthe whole fruit. Not a third of an apple, not a half of a banana...\n\nJerry hold up a half banana.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright.\n\nJERRY\n...You bite it, you bought it.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, alright. I'll make the necessary\nadjustments, alright.\n\nJERRY\nThank you.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nElaine enters.\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nOh. (pointedly) So, how's the neck?\nNice and loose?\n\nELAINE\nLookit, Kramer, you are not getting\nthis bike. I don't even\n\nknow why you ant it. (laughingly) I mean, it's a girl's bike.\n\nKRAMER\n(deadly serious) It's a verbal contract.\nWe had a deal.\n\nELAINE\nNo we didn't. You take these things\ntoo literally. It's like\n\nsaying,\n\nyou're hungry enough to eat a horse.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, my friend Jay Reimenschneider\neats horse all the time. He\n\ngets it from his butcher.\n\nELAINE\nThis is not the point. (emphatic) The\npoint is, you just can't\n\nhave the bike.\n\nKRAMER\nBoy, I am really surprised at you. (opening\nthe door) You are\n\nthe last person I figured would do something like this. I mean,\nGeorge, yeah, I\n\ncan see that. Even Jerry. But not you, Elaine...\n\nKramer holds one hand up above his head.\n\nKRAMER\nI always put you up here...\n\nKramer holds his other hand at about knee height.\n\nKRAMER\n...They're over here. Now you're...\naww-whawww.\n\nKramer brings his first hand down to the level of the second.\nHe\n\nleaves, closing the door with a bang. Elaine sits, fighting with\nher conscience. There\n\nis a brief pause, then the door opens again and Kramer pokes\nin his head,\n\nexpectantly.\n\nELAINE\n(grudging) Alright.\n\nKRAMER\n(points) Digidi.\n\nKramer leaves and closes the door again.\n\n(Restaurant)\n\nGeorge and Susan are having dinner.\n\nGEORGE\nAw c'mon. It's a fantastic name. It's\na real original, nobody\n\nelse is gonna have it and I absolutely love it.\n\nSUSAN\nWell, I dunno how original it's gonna\nbe any more.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy not?\n\nSUSAN\nWell I was telling Carrie about our\nargument, and when I told\n\nthem the name, they just loved it.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, what're you saying?\n\nSUSAN\nThey're gonna name their baby Seven.\n\nGEORGE\n(disbelief) What?! They're stealing\nthe name?! That's my name,\n\nI made it up!\n\nSUSAN\nI can't believe that they're using it.\n\nGEORGE\n(anger) Well now it's not gonna be original!\nIt's gonna lose\n\nall its cachet!\n\nSUSAN\nI dunno how much cachet it had to begin\nwith.\n\nGEORGE\n(rage) Oh, it's got cachet, baby! It's\ngot cachet up the\n\nyin-yang!\n\n(Elaine's Apartment)\n\nElaine is in bed. She begins to move to get up. As she raises\nherself\n\nfrom the mattress, there is a loud crunching sound. A look of\nagony crosses her\n\nface.\n\nELAINE\n(in pain) Oh god! Oh, god. (bitter)\nKramer!\n\n(Street)\n\nElaine walks along the street. Her neck problem means she has\nher head\n\nTipped back so far she can't see directly in front of her. A\nguy coming the\n\nother way gives her a warning.\n\nMAN\nWatch your step.\n\nElaine collides with a litter bin which is outside her field\nof vision.\n\nELAINE\n(pain) Oh, ah. (bitter) Stupid Kramer.\n\nChristie is looking in a shop window, then she spots Elaine.\n\nCHRISTIE\nExcuse me. Elaine?\n\nElaine, handicapped by her neck, cannot see who's speaking.\n\nELAINE\nHuh?\n\nChristie comes over to Elaine. All Elaine can see of her is her\nhead\n\nand neck.\n\nCHRISTIE\nOver here. I thought that was you. You're\nJerry's friend,\n\nright?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, yeah. Uh, Christie?\n\nCHRISTIE\nYes. How y'doing?\n\nELAINE\n(bearing up) I'm fine.\n\nCHRISTIE\nWell, I gotta run. It was good to see\nyou.\n\nChristie walks away.\n\nELAINE\n(after Christie) Okay, oh, it was good\nto, good to see you.\n\nKramer comes along the street, riding the Schwinn Stingray and\nringing\n\nthe bell. He attracts comments from folk on the street.\n\nVOICE 1\nLookin' good.\n\nVOICE 2\nHey Cosmo, nice wheels.\n\nKRAMER\nYou got that right!\n\nA kid leans out the window of a parked Volvo.\n\nKID\n(scorn) Hey, you're riding a girl's\nbike.\n\nKramer thumbs his nose and continues pedalling.\n\nELAINE\n(shouting) Kramer! Kramer!\n\n(Outside Apartment Building)\n\nGeorge walks up to the door. He pushes the buzzer for a particular\n\napartment.\n\nKEN\nHello.\n\nGEORGE\nHello, Ken. It's George Costanza. I\nthink we need to talk.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry hears a loud knocking from the hallway.\n\nELAINE\n(angry shout) Kramer!\n\nJerry opens the door to reveal Elaine hammering insistently at\nKramer's\n\ndoor.\n\nELAINE\nKramer!!\n\nJERRY\nHey\n\nElaine turns to Jerry and gets a twinge from her neck.\n\nELAINE\nOw! God! Is Kramer back from his little\njoyride yet?\n\nElaine enters Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nHaven't seen him. How's the neck?\n\nELAINE\nHis chiropractic job was a crock. It's\neven worse than it was\n\nbefore.\n\nElaine removes her bag from her back, wincing from the pain as\nshe\n\nmoves.\n\nJERRY\nBoy, I'm surprised. (sarcasm) I would\nthink Kramer would have a\n\nknack for moving pieces of a person's spine around.\n\nELAINE\nHey, you know what, I think I ran into\nthat girl from the\n\nantique store. What's her name, Christie?\n\nJERRY\nYou saw her? What was she wearing?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know. I couldn't see. I couldn't\nlook down because of\n\nmy neck.\n\nJERRY\nDidn't you get a glimpse? An impression?\n\nELAINE\nWhat d'you care?\n\nJERRY\nBoth times I've seen her she's worn\nthe same dress.\n\nThere's a ringing from the Schwinn's bell, and Kramer rides it\ninto\n\nJerry's apartment. He rides all around the apartment, round the\ncouch, past the\n\nTV and is heading for the door.\n\nELAINE\nDid you have a nice ride?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, great ride.\n\nELAINE\nOh, that's good. 'Cos it was your last!\n\nElaine slams the door shut before Kramer can leave. Kramer rides\n\nstraight into the door with a clatter. He falls to the ground,\nthen makes his\n\nstumbling way upright again.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat're you talking about?! We had a\ndeal!\n\nELAINE\n(anger) You better give me back that\nbike! (indicating neck)\n\nLook at this! Look! Ow. I couldn't even crawl out of bed this\nmorning.\n\nKRAMER\nBed? You should be sleeping on a wooden\nboard for at least a\n\nweek.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? You never told me that.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, it's common sense.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, what is he talking about? He's\nbeing ridiculous.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, look. Jerry, you know the whole\nstory, you should\n\nsettle this.\n\nELAINE\nYeah Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I'm flattered that you would both\nappeal to my wisdom, but\n\nunfortunately, my friendship to each of you precludes my getting\n\ninvolved. What you need is an impartial mediator.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I'd go for that. Would you go\nfor that?\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, I'm down.\n\nJERRY\nCourse, it would have to be someone\nwho hasn't heard the story\n\nbefore. Someone who is unencumbered by any emotional attachment.\nSomeone whose\n\nheart is so dark, it cannot be swayed by pity, compassion, or\nhuman emotion of\n\nany kind.\n\n(Newman's Apartment)\n\nElaine and Kramer sit on Newman's couch. Elaine with her head\ntilted\n\nback. Newman sits in his chair, his fingertips together, trying\nto give an\n\nImpression of limitless wisdom.\n\nELAINE\nSo, that's the situation.\n\nNEWMAN\nMmm. You present an interesting dilemma.\nEach of you seemingly\n\nhas a legitimate claim to the bicycle, and yet the bicycle can\nhave only one\n\nrightful owner. Quite the conundrum. As a federal employee, I\nbelieve the law is\n\nall we have. (getting worked up) It's all that separates us from\nthe savages\n\nwho don't deserve even the privilege of the daily mail. (angry)\nStuffing parcels\n\ninto mailboxes where they don't belong!!...\n\nKRAMER\nNewman!\n\nNewman catches himself, and comes back to normality.\n\nNEWMAN\n...But, you must promise That you will\nabide by my decision, no\n\nMatter how unjust it may seem to either of you. Do I have your\nword?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, yeah.\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nNEWMAN\nAlright, let's begin.\n\nNewman sits back, to begin his contemplation. There is the single\n\n'ting' of a microwave.\n\nNEWMAN\n(excited) Ooh, my cocoa!\n\nNewman leaps to his feet and heads for his kitchen.\n\n(Ken and Carrie's Apartment)\n\nCarrie is on the couch, with Ken sitting on the arm. George is\n\nexplaining about Seven.\n\nKEN\nWhy can't we use Seven?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's my name. I made it up. You can't\njust steal it.\n\nCARRIE\nWell, it's not as if Susan's pregnant.\nYou've already postponed\n\nThe wedding. Who knows if you'll ever get married.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, hey hey. Don't worry about me.\nI'm not a waffler. I don't\n\nwaffle!\n\nKEN\nRight, we're both big Mickey Mantle\nfans, and we love the name.\n\nIt's very unusual.\n\nGEORGE\n(shouting) What happened to Soda?! I\nthought we all agreed on\n\nSoda.\n\nKEN\n(emphatic) Well, we don't care for Soda.\n\nGEORGE\nYou don't care for Soda?!\n\nCARRIE\n(worked up) No, no. We don't like Soda\nat all!\n\nGEORGE\n(shouting) How d'you not like Soda?!\nIt's bubbly, it's\n\nrefreshing!\n\nCarrie jumps and gives a cry.\n\nCARRIE\nOh!\n\nKEN\nWhat is it?\n\nCARRIE\nI felt something.\n\nKEN\nAre you okay, honey?\n\nCARRIE\nI think I'm going into labour.\n\nGeorge flashes a panicked expression.\n\nKEN\nOh god, oh god. Okay, let's not panic.\nLet's just get to the\n\nhospital...\n\nKen and Carrie rise and head toward the door.\n\nCARRIE\nOkay.\n\nKEN\n...Alright? I got the suitcase packed,\nright here.\n\nKen grabs the suitcase from by the door and they exit, hurriedly.\n\nGeorge trails along behind them, making suggestions.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about Six?\n\nKen gives him a look over his shoulder.\n\nGEORGE\nNine. Thirt... thirteen's no good.\n\nKen has left, George follows out the door.\n\nGEORGE\nFourteen. (shouting after Ken) Fourteen!\n\nGeorge closes the door behind him.\n\n(Restaurant)\n\nJerry and Christie are having dinner. Christie is eating, while\nJerry\n\nleans back picking at his meal, looking suspicious at the fact\nthat Christie is\n\nwearing the same black and white dress as at their two previous\nmeetings.\n\nCHRISTIE\nAre you okay, Jerry? You seem quiet.\n\nJERRY\nNo, I'm just a little uh, worn out.\n\nCHRISTIE\nI know exactly what you mean.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I'm sure you do.\n\nChristie begins to season her food, with salt. Jerry chews\n\nthoughtfully.\n\nJERRY\nWhat in god's name is going on here?\nIs she wearing the\n\nsame thing over and over again? Or does she have a closet full\nof these, like\n\nSuperman? I've got to unlock this mystery.\n\nChristie adds a little pepper to her dish. But after replacing\nthe\n\nshaker, she knocks her glass of red wine over her dress.\n\nCHRISTIE\n(horrified) Oh my god!\n\nJERRY\nOh.\n\nChristie mops at the spill with her napkin, but there's only\nso much\n\nyou can do.\n\nCHRISTIE\nAhh. I can't go to the movies like this.\nDo you mind if we go\n\nback to my apartment, so I can change?\n\nJERRY\nChange? (thoughtful) Yes, I think that's\na super idea.\n\n(Ken and Carrie's Car)\n\nKen is driving Carrie to the hospital. Carrie is as worked up\nas you'd\n\nexpect a woman in labor to be. In the back seat, George is making\none last\n\nattempt to save his name.\n\nCARRIE\nAre we almost there?\n\nKEN\nJust keep breathing, okay.\n\nCARRIE\n(deep breaths) Okay, okay.\n\nKEN\nOkay.\n\nGEORGE\n(to Carrie) You know, the thing is,\nI kinda promised the widow\n\nMantle that I would name my baby Seven.\n\nAs George speaks, Ken is looking impatient and angry.\n\nKEN\nNow's not the best time, George!\n\nGEORGE\n(to Carrie) It's just that, I know her,\nand boy...\n\nKEN\n(firm) George! She's in labour!\n\nGEORGE\n(angry shout) So am I!\n\n(Newman's Apartment)\n\nElaine and Kramer still sit on the couch, awaiting Newman's\n\narbitration.\n\nNEWMAN\nWell, you've both presented very convincing\narguments. On the\n\none hand, Elaine, your promise was given in haste. But was it\nnot still a promise? Hmm?\n\nKramer looks at Elaine, thinking his arguments have put him one\nup.\n\nNEWMAN\nAnd, Kramer, you did provide a service\nin exchange for\n\ncompensation. But, does the fee, once paid, not entitle the buyer\nto some assurance\n\nOf reliability? Hmm? Huh? Ahh. These were not easy questions\nto answer.\n\nNot for any man...\n\nKramer leans forward to receive the result. Elaine looks as attentive\n\nas she can while only being able to look upwards.\n\nNEWMAN\n...But I have made a decision. (revelatory)\nWe will cut the\n\nbike down the middle, and give half to each of you.\n\nELAINE\n(shout) What?! This is your solution?!\nTo ruin the bike?!\n\nNewman's face drops at her negative reaction. Kramer looks across\nat\n\nthe bike, looking worried.\n\nELAINE\nAlright, fine. Fine. Go ahead. (standing)\nCut the stupid thing\n\nin half.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather\nit belonged to another\n\nthan see it destroyed. Newman, give it to her, I beg you.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, yeah, y-yeah.\n\nNEWMAN\nNot so fast, Elaine! Only the bike's\ntrue owner would rather\n\ngive it away than see it come to harm. Kramer, the bike is yours!\n\nELAINE\nWhat?!\n\nKRAMER\nSweet justice. Newman, you are wise.\n\nKramer picks up the bike and climbs aboard.\n\nELAINE\n(frustration) But this isn't fair! Lookit,\nmy neck is still\n\nhurting me,\n\nand now you have the bike?!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, tell it to the judge, honey. I'm\ngoing for a ride.\n\nKramer opens the door and rides clumsily out, ringing the bell\nas he\n\ngoes.\n\n(Christie's Apartment)\n\nChristie leads Jerry into her home.\n\nCHRISTIE\nHere we are.\n\nJERRY\n(looking around) Ah, so this is the\nFortress of Solitude.\n\nChristie puts down her bag, and removes her coat.\n\nCHRISTIE\nWell, I guess I'll go change.\n\nJERRY\nYes, change. By all means, change.\n\nChristie walks away down a hallway. Jerry removes his coat and\nsits\n\ndown. He looks around himself. On the coffee table he notices\na small framed\n\npicture of Christie and some guy. In the picture, she's wearing\nthe same black and\n\nWhite dress. Jerry picks it up and examines it more closely,\nreading a date\n\nwritten on the photo.\n\nJERRY\nAugust seventeen, nineteen-ninety-two.\nThe same dress!\n\nShe never\n\nchanges! Oh my god. (looking around) She's gotta have hundreds\nof these\n\ndresses.\n\nJerry gets up from his seat.\n\nJERRY\nThere must be a secret stash around\nhere somewhere.\n\nJerry opens a closet and begins to look inside. While he's rooting\n\nabout in there, Christie reenters the room, wearing a robe and\nlooking indignant\n\nat discovering Jerry invading her privacy.\n\nCHRISTIE\nAhem! Are you looking for something?\n\nJERRY\nWhat're you doing? I thought you were\nchanging.\n\nCHRISTIE\nNo, I, I'm thinking we should just call\nit a night.\n\nJERRY\nNo, no. C'mon, put something else on.\nIt's early, let's go out.\n\nCHRISTIE\nIf it's all the same to you, I think\nI'm just gonna go to\n\nbed.\n\nJerry moves to the couch, where he half lays down.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, I'm kinda tired myself. Maybe\nI'll just sleep here on\n\nThe couch. Then in the morning, you'll get dressed, we'll walk\nout\n\ntogether. Both dressed, different clothes. Well, I'll be in the\nsame clothes. You'll\n\nof course be in different clothes, because it's your apartment.\nBut we'll go\n\ndownstairs, me in my same clothes, you in your different clothes.\n\nCHRISTIE\n(unequivocal) Jerry. I don't think so.\n\nJerry picks up his coat and moves toward the door.\n\nJERRY\nYou wanna throw something on and walk\nme to a cab?\n\nCHRISTIE\n(gesturing) Get out.\n\nJerry walks though the door. He's still talking as Christie closes\nit\n\non him.\n\nJERRY\n(pleading) Tell me what you're wearing\ntomorrow. I'll help you\n\nlay it out on the bed.\n\n(Hospital)\n\nCarrie is in a wheelchair, being wheeled by an orderly. She's\ndoing her\n\nbreathing. Ken hurries alongside, comforting his wife. George\nalso\n\nhustles along the corridor with the group.\n\nKEN\nOkay, breathe, honey. Breathe.\n\nGEORGE\n(to Carrie) You know, you're really\nbeing very selfish. It\n\nwould be nice if you would think of someone other than yourself\nevery now and then!\n\nCARRIE\n(shouts) I'm having a baby!!\n\nThe orderly pushes the wheelchair on through the door of the\ndelivery\n\nroom. Ken turns to face George.\n\nKEN\nGeorge, you're not getting Seven! Now\nget outta here!!\n\nKen strides into the delivery room.\n\nGEORGE\n(desperate) Please! I have so little!\n\nGeorge tries to follow, but an orderly blocks his path.\n\nORDERLY\nSorry sir, it's family only.\n\nThe orderly closes the door on George, whose face can be seen\nthrough\n\nThe window.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm family. I'm having sex with the\ncousin!\n\nGeorge thumps his fists against the door in frustration. He's\ncrying as\n\nHe screams.\n\nGEORGE\nSeven!!\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry is on the phone, while Kramer examines a box of cereal\nin the\n\nkitchen.\n\nJERRY\nHello, Christie? I was wondering if\nwe could get together again?\n\n(listens) Oh really? Well you can't break up with me over the\nphone.\n\nC'mon, you gotta do this in person. It doesn't even have to be\none on one, you can\n\nbring a group of friends. I just wanna see you. Wait, don't hang\nup on me.\n\n(hurriedly) Why d'you wear the same dress all the time? Hello.\n\nDefeated, Jerry hangs up the phone.\n\nKRAMER\n(indicating the cereal) Hey, Jerry,\nif you're gonna be snacking\n\nOn these, you can't expect me to pay for the whole box.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, hobo Joe. I didn't wanna put\na damper on your little\n\nSmorgasbord here, but it's the end of the week, so I added up\nyour tab.\n\nJerry tears a sheet off a writing pad, and presents it to Kramer.\n\nKramer takes a look.\n\nKRAMER\n(does a double take) Yikes.\n\nJERRY\nI know. Pretty steep.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I don't have this kind of cash.\n\nJERRY\nFew do.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm good for it.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, well, until this bill is paid...\n\nJerry takes back the tab, then takes the cereal out of Kramer's\nhands.\n\nJERRY\n...the food court is closed.\n\nKRAMER\n(opening the door) Alright. I'll get\nthat money for you in five\n\nminutes. And, don't eat any more.\n\nKramer leaves at a run.\n\n(Street)\n\nElaine is walking along, when she spots something ahead of her.\n\nELAINE\nHey, that's my bike!\n\nAlong the sidewalk comes a happy-looking Newman, pedalling the\nSchwinn\n\nfor all he's worth. He rings the bell.\n\nNEWMAN\nGangway!\n\nELAINE\nThis is my bike!\n\nNewman brakes to a halt in front of Elaine.\n\nNEWMAN\nOh no. No no no no. I bought it from\nKramer. He was hard up for\n\ncash. Fifty bucks! (he laughs) Can you believe it? Of course,\nI had to make\n\nsome minor modifications, you know. Solid tyres, reinforced seatpost,\nheavy duty\n\nshocks. But, baby, this is one sweet ride.\n\nNewman begins to ride away.\n\nELAINE\n(chasing Newman) No, you better gimme\nback that bike. Newman,\n\ngimme...\n\nElaine grabs hold of the trailing end of Newman's scarf.\n\nNEWMAN\nHey!! Help me!\n\nThe show ends with a freeze frame of Newman on the bike, and\na\n\ndetermined Elaine grasping the scarf. There are sounds of a struggle.\n\n(End)\n\n7.13 \"The Seven\"\n\nEPISODE NUMBER\n123\n\nORIGINAL AIR DATE\nFebruary 01, 1996\n\nWRITTEN BY\nAlec Berg & Jeff Schaffer\n\nDIRECTED BY\nAndy Ackerman\n\nGUEST CAST\n\nKen Hudson Campbell (Ken)\n\nShannon Holt (Carrie)\n\nLisa Deanne (Christie)\n\nCharles Emmett (Orderly)\n\nDavid Richards (Maitre d')\n\nMatthew McCurley (Kid)\n\nJosh Abramson (Man #1)\n\nSteve Artiaga (Man #2)\n\nCheryl Hunter (Woman)\n\n(Nightclub)\n\nJerry's standup piece.\n\nJERRY\nI love it when people are complimented\non something they're\n\nwearing and they accept the compliment as if it was about them.\n\"Nice tie.\" \"Well,\n\nthank you. Thank you very much.\" The compliment is for the tie,\nit's not for\n\nyou, but we take it. That's kind of the job of clothes; to get\ncompliments for\n\nus, because it's very hard to get compliments based on your human\n\nqualities. Right? Let's face it, no matter how nice a person\nyou are, nobody's gonna come\n\nSay \"Hey, nice person.\" It's much easier to be a bastard and\njust try and\n\nmatch the colours up.\n\n(Antique Toy Store)\n\nElaine and Jerry enter a store stocked with the toys of yesteryear.\n\nThey look around at the array of classic teddy bears, toy boats,\npuppets, etc.\n\nELAINE\n(awed) Oh, look at this!\n\nJERRY\nBoy, I miss the days they made toys\nthat could kill a kid.\n\nSomething on the wall catches Elaine's eye. It's an old-fashioned\n\ngirl's bicycle, with high handlebars, a pink frame and a basket\non the front.\n\nELAINE\n(excited) Oh, cool! Look at that!\n\nJerry looks over, but his eye is drawn more towards an attractive\n\nwoman, Christie, who stands looking at the toys. She's wearing\na dress of\n\nmid-thigh length, black from the bottom of the ribs down, and\nwhite on the chest\n\nand arms.\n\nJERRY\n(admiring Christie) Yeah, I'm right\nthere with ya.\n\nELAINE\n(excited) That is a Schwinn Stingray!\nAnd it's the girl's\n\nmodel! Oh, I always wanted one of these when I was little.\n\nChristie leaves her examination of the toys on that side of the\nstore,\n\nand walks over to some other items. Jerry watches her as she\ngoes, she notices\n\nand smiles and flirtatious looks are exchanged. Jerry is oblivious\nto Elaine's\n\nvoice.\n\nELAINE\nWhat d'you think Jerry? Jerry?\n\nJERRY\n(tearing himself away from Christie)\nHuh?\n\nELAINE\nWhat d'you think?\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah, be great for your paper route.\n\nELAINE\n(laughs) I love it. I'm getting it.\n\nElaine reaches for the bike, as Jerry turns back to Christie.\n\nELAINE\nCan you help me get it down, Jer? Jerry.\n\nCHRISTIE\nI think your friend needs some help\nover there.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, the only way to really help\nher is to just let her be.\n\nElaine gives up on Jerry assisting her and tries to lift the\nbike off\n\nthe wall on her own. But as she raises it, the weight proves\ntoo much and she\n\nfalls backwards, ending up on her back on the floor with the\nbike pinning her\n\ndown. She struggles to lift it, but can't make much impression,\nso she rings\n\nthe bell on the bike. Jerry finally has his attention drawn away\nfrom Christie.\n\nELAINE\nHey!\n\nElaine makes 'So, are you gonna help me?' gestures.\n\n(Restaurant)\n\nGeorge and Susan are having dinner with Ken and Carrie. Carrie\nis\n\nHeavily pregnant. George is eating spaghetti with his usual decorum.\n\nSUSAN\nA little baby girl?\n\nKEN\nDoctor says it could be any day now.\n\nGEORGE\n(through mouthful of food) So, Carrie,\nyou and Susan are\n\ncousins. So your baby daughter is gonna be Susan's second cousin,\nright? So what\n\ndoes that make me?\n\nCARRIE\nDoesn't make you anything.\n\nGEORGE\n(jokingly) Well, so, legally, I could\nmarry your daughter.\n\nGeorge laughs and shovels another load of pasta into his mouth.\nKen and\n\nCarrie look perturbed.\n\nSUSAN\nSo, have you picked out a name yet?\n\nCARRIE\nWell, we've narrowed it down to a few.\nWe like Kimberley.\n\nSUSAN\nAww.\n\nGEORGE\n(negative) Hu-ho, boy.\n\nKEN\nYou don't like Kimberley?\n\nGEORGE\nEch. What else you got?\n\nKEN\nHow about Joan?\n\nGEORGE\nAw c'mon, I'm eating here.\n\nSUSAN\n(warning) George!\n\nCARRIE\nPamela?\n\nGEORGE\nPamela?! Awright, I tell you what. You\nlook like nice people,\n\nI'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda.\n\nKEN\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nSoda. S-O-D-A. Soda.\n\nCARRIE\nI don't know, it sounds a little strange.\n\nGEORGE\nAll names sound strange the first time\nyou hear 'em. What, you\n\nTelling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they\nheard it?\n\nKEN\nYeah, but uh... Soda?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, that's right. It's working.\n\nCARRIE\nWe'll put it on the list.\n\nGEORGE\nI solve problems. That's just what I\ndo.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry sits in front of the TV, while in the kitchen Kramer is\nbuilding\n\nA sandwich of epic proportions. He hums to himself as he piles\nsliced\n\nmeat onto bread. Jerry looks over at him, looking somewhat irritated\nby the way\n\nKramer's demolishing his food stocks.\n\nKRAMER\n(sniffing a slice of meat) Yeah, oh\nboy. Mmm, that's good.\n\nJERRY\nYou're really going to town with that\nturkey there.\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah, I got a big appetite.\n\nKramer goes to the fridge and looks inside.\n\nKRAMER\nUhh, Jerry, you got no mustard, huh.\n\nJERRY\nIt's on the door.\n\nKRAMER\n(examining a yellow squeeze bottle)\nWhat, this yellow stuff?\n\nNo, I said mustard, Jerry. Dijon.\n\nKramer waves away the squeezy option and shuts the fridge.\n\nKRAMER\nAh, 's no good.\n\nKramer goes back to his sandwich, puts the second slice of bread\non,\n\nand takes a bite. It doesn't meet with his approval. He spits\nout the mouthful he's\n\ntaken onto the plate, and dumps the rest of the sandwich next\nto it.\n\nKRAMER\nNo. That's bush league.\n\nKramer heads toward the door.\n\nJERRY\nHey, hey. Wha... wait... what, you're\ngonna leave it there?\n\nThat's like half a pound of turkey!\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, I can't eat that. You can't\neat a sandwich without\n\nDijon.\n\nJERRY\n(sarcasm) Yeah, you're right. I really\nshould keep more of your\n\nfavourites on hand.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, hey, hey. I'm getting a vibe here.\nWhat, are you unhappy\n\nwith our arrangement?\n\nJERRY\nWhat arrangement?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I was under the impression that\nI could take anything I\n\nWanted from your fridge, and you could take whatever you want\nfrom mine.\n\nJERRY\n(sarcasm) Yeah, well, lemme know when\nyou get something in there\n\nand I will.\n\nElaine enters. She has her head leaning over to the left, and\nshe's\n\nMoving carefully, like it's giving her pain.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, hey.\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey. What's with your neck?\n\nELAINE\nStill killing me from having to get\nthat bike off the wall.\n\n(pointedly) By myself.\n\nJERRY\nWell, if it's any consolation, I did\nget her number.\n\nELAINE\n(sitting) Ah, I think I really strained\nit. Ow.\n\nJERRY\nAw, I doubt you strained it. Maybe you\npulled it.\n\nELAINE\nAch, maybe.\n\nJERRY\nDid you twist it? You coulda twisted\nit.\n\nELAINE\nI don't know.\n\nJERRY\nDid you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe\nyou squeezed it. Turned\n\nit...\n\nELAINE\n(patience exhausted) You know what,\nwhy don't you just shut the\n\nhell up?\n\nJERRY\nAwright.\n\nELAINE\nGod. Man, this is killing me. Right\nnow, I would give that bike\n\nto the first person who could make this pain go away.\n\nKRAMER\nAw, you really hurting, huh?\n\nELAINE\nOh, Kramer, it's just awful.\n\nKRAMER\nUh hmm. Well, your arterioles have constricted.\n\nKramer walks around behind the seated Elaine, and reaches for\nher neck.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, lean forward, relax.\n\nELAINE\n(worried) What? What?\n\nKRAMER\nEncounter shiatsu.\n\nKramer begins to work at Elaine's neck with his thumbs.\n\nELAINE\nWait a minute. Kramer, you know what\nyou're doing here?\n\nKRAMER\n(continuing to work) Ohh yeah. A wise\nman once taught me the\n\nHealing power of the body's natural pressure points.\n\nELAINE\nAh hah.\n\nKRAMER\n(to Jerry) He sells tee-shirts outside\nthe World Trade Centre.\n\nELAINE\n(seriously worried) Wha...?\n\nKRAMER\nHe's a genius. Here we go...\n\nKramer takes a firm grip of each side of Elaine's head. Elaine\nlooks\n\nReally worried now. She grabs a hold of Jerry's shirt and the\narm of the\n\ncouch, and her feet stamp on the floor.\n\nKRAMER\nFrom pain, will come pleasure.\n\nKramer violently twists Elaine's head to the left. There's a\nloud\n\nCrunching sound, and Elaine cries out in shock. Kramer lets go\nof her head and\n\nsteps away, job done.\n\nKRAMER\nUh? Voila.\n\nELAINE\n(pleasantly surprised) Oh my god!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nElaine rolls her head around, completely comfortable.\n\nELAINE\nWow! That is unbelievable. The pain\nis totally gone!\n\nJERRY\nWhat's even more amazing is his formal\ntraining is in\n\npaediatrics.\n\nKRAMER\nAwright, my work is done here.\n\nKramer heads for the door.\n\nELAINE\n(big smile) Oh man! Kramer, thank you!\n\nKRAMER\n(closing the door) Yeah, you can send\nthat bike over any time.\n\nELAINE\n(after Kramer) What? (to Jerry) What,\nwhat is he talking about?\n\nJERRY\nI dunno. (realising) Oh, 'cos you said\nyou'd give the bike to\n\nanyone who fixes your neck.\n\nELAINE\nYou really think he wants the bike?\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah.\n\nELAINE\nIt took him like ten seconds!\n\nJERRY\nWell, that's the most he's worked in\nthe last four months.\n\n(George's Car)\n\nGeorge and Susan, heading home from the restaurant. George is\nhappy,\n\nsmiling and whistling.\n\nGEORGE\nI think they really went for that Soda.\n\nSUSAN\nWhat, are you crazy? They hated it.\nThey were just humouring\n\nyou.\n\nGEORGE\nAh, alright. Believe me, that kid's\ngonna be called Soda.\n\nSUSAN\nI can tell you, I would never name my\nchild Soda.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, no no no. Course not. I got a great\nname for our kids. A\n\nReal original. You wanna hear what it is? Huh, you ready?\n\nSUSAN\nYeah.\n\nGeorge uses his finger to draw a number 7 in the air, accompanying\nthe\n\nStrokes of his digit with a two-tone whistle.\n\nSUSAN\nWhat is that? Sign language?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, Seven.\n\nSUSAN\nSeven Costanza? You're serious?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy\nor a girl...\n\nSusan scoffs.\n\nGEORGE\n...especially a girl. Or a boy.\n\nSUSAN\nI don't think so.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, you don't like the name?\n\nSUSAN\nIt's not a name. It's a number.\n\nGEORGE\nI know. It's Mickey Mantle's number.\nSo not only is it an all\n\nAround beautiful name, it is also a living tribute.\n\nSUSAN\nIt's awful. I hate it!\n\nGEORGE\n(angry) Well, that's the name!\n\nSUSAN\n(also angry) Oh no it is not! No child\nof mine is ever going to\n\nbe named Seven!\n\nGEORGE\n(yelling) Awright, let's just stay calm\nhere! Don't get all\n\ncrazy on me!\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry walks from the bathroom, talking to George, who's just\ntold him\n\nabout his contretemps with Susan.\n\nJERRY\nSeven? Yeah, I guess I could see it.\nSeven. Seven periods of\n\nschool, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating,\nand eventually\n\nseven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service.\n\nGEORGE\n(adamant) Yes I am. I defy you to come\nup with a better name\n\nthan Seven.\n\nJerry walks toward the kitchen. He sees an item on the counter.\n\nJERRY\nAwright, let's see. How about Mug? (picks\nup the mug) Mug\n\nCostanza, that's original. (he turns and sees another item) Or\nuh, Ketchup?\n\nPretty name for a girl.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, you having a good time there?\n\nJerry is in the kitchen, and opens a cupboard. His eyes run over\nthe\n\narray of good within.\n\nJERRY\nI got fifty right here in the cupboard.\nHow about Bisquik?\n\nPimento. Gherkin. Sauce. Maxwell House.\n\nGEORGE\n(shouts) Awright already!! This is a\nvery key issue with me,\n\nJerry. I had this name for a long time.\n\nJerry comes back into the living room. A thought occurs.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I forgot to call Christie.\n\nGEORGE\nChristie? That's the one you met in\nthe antique store?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, she had this great black and white\ndress, with a scoop\n\nneck. She looked like some kinda superhero.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd you met her in an antique store!\nI don't know how you do\n\nit!\n\nJERRY\n(smug) I'm not engaged.\n\nGeorge gives Jerry a look. Kramer enters. He's carrying a small\n\ngoldfish bowl, a pad and a pencil tied to the bowl by string.\n\nKRAMER\nAh, I got it.\n\nJERRY\nGot what?\n\nKRAMER\n(putting the items on the counter) Got\nthe answer, Jerry.\n\nRefrigerator problem, is solved.\n\nJERRY\nOh, it's no problem. You can take whatever\nyou want.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I will. But now, I'm accountable.\nAlright, I take what I\n\nwant.\n\nKramer takes a cupcake from a box on the counter.\n\nKRAMER\nHere. I write it down. (he writes) \"One\ncupcake.\" And then I\n\nput it in the bowl. (he tears off the sheet, crumples it and\ndrops it into the\n\nbowl) There. Very simple.\n\nJERRY\nSort of a mooching inventory.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no. Not mooching. 'Cos at the end\nof the week, you add 'em\n\nall up, and you give me the bill.\n\nJERRY\nAlright.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, now look I gotta run some errands,\nso look. When\n\nElaine comes by with that bike, you hang onto it for me, alright?\n\nGeorge passes by as he goes to the fridge.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, I don't know if you're getting\nthat bike.\n\nKRAMER\nYes I am. We had a verbal contract.\nIf we can't take each other\n\nat our word, all is lost.\n\nGeorge has fetched a Diet Coke from the fridge. He opens it.\nKramer\n\nhears the hiss, and notices George.\n\nKRAMER\n(waving at the bowl) Oh yeah, yeah.\nPut that on my tab.\n\n(Restaurant)\n\nJerry and Christie have just arrived. They're both wearing long\ncoats,\n\nFastened to the collar.\n\nJERRY\nWell this is it. The food is atrocious,\nbut the busboys are the\n\nbest in the city.\n\nA member of staff approaches.\n\nMAITRE D'\nMay I take your coat, miss?\n\nCHRISTIE\nYes, thank you.\n\nThe Maitre d' helps Christie to slip out of her coat, revealing\nthat\n\nshe has on the exact same dress as she was wearing in the antique\nstore. Jerry\n\nlooks bemused, but plasters on a fixed smile as Christie looks\nat him.\n\n(Monks')\n\nJerry and George sit in a booth, discussing the previous night.\nGeorge\n\nFingers his chin thoughtfully.\n\nGEORGE\nThe same outfit?\n\nJERRY\nThe exact same outfit.\n\nGEORGE\nHow many days was it between encounters.\n\nJERRY\nThree.\n\nGEORGE\nThree days. Well, maybe you caught her\non the cusp of a new\n\nwash cycle. You know, she did laundry the day after she met you,\neverything got\n\nclean and she started all over again.\n\nJERRY\nPossibly, but then shouldn't the outfit\nonly reappear again at\n\nthe end of the cycle?\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe she moved it up in the rotation.\n\nJERRY\nWhy? It's our first date, she's already\nin reruns?\n\nGEORGE\nVery curious.\n\nJERRY\nIndeed.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, Einstein wore the exact same\noutfit every day.\n\nJERRY\nWell, if she splits the atom, I'll let\nit slide.\n\nGEORGE\n(picking up his coat) Awright, I'm heading\nhome.\n\nJERRY\nHey, did Susan change her mind about\nthe name?\n\nGEORGE\n(standing) Not yet, but she's weakening.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, George, just because your\nlife is destroyed, don't\n\nDestroy someone else's.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's Mickey Mantle, Jerry. My idol.\n\nJERRY\nHow about 'Mickey'?\n\nGEORGE\n'Mickey'? (incredulous) 'Mickey'!\n\nGeorge walks away, half-laughing at Jerry's ludicrous suggestion.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry is in the fridge. Kramer enters with a slide of the feet,\nand a\n\ncigar in his mouth.\n\nKRAMER\nHey buddy.\n\nJERRY\n(holding up a can) Hey, is this your\nhalf a can of soda in the\n\nfridge?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, that's yours. My half is gone.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I put my half a can here on the\ntab. Why, what's your\n\nbeef?\n\nJERRY\nYou cannot buy half a can of soda.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, why not.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I don't wanna get into the whole\nphysics of carbonation\n\nwith you here, but you know the sound a can makes when you open\nit?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nThat is the sound of you buying a whole\ncan. And the same goes\n\nfor this, okay...\n\nJerry holds up an apple, from which has been taken one large\nbite.\n\nJERRY\n...When you pierce the skin of a piece\nof fruit, you've bought\n\nthe whole fruit. Not a third of an apple, not a half of a banana...\n\nJerry hold up a half banana.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright.\n\nJERRY\n...You bite it, you bought it.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, alright. I'll make the necessary\nadjustments, alright.\n\nJERRY\nThank you.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nElaine enters.\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nOh. (pointedly) So, how's the neck?\nNice and loose?\n\nELAINE\nLookit, Kramer, you are not getting\nthis bike. I don't even\n\nknow why you ant it. (laughingly) I mean, it's a girl's bike.\n\nKRAMER\n(deadly serious) It's a verbal contract.\nWe had a deal.\n\nELAINE\nNo we didn't. You take these things\ntoo literally. It's like\n\nsaying,\n\nyou're hungry enough to eat a horse.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, my friend Jay Reimenschneider\neats horse all the time. He\n\ngets it from his butcher.\n\nELAINE\nThis is not the point. (emphatic) The\npoint is, you just can't\n\nhave the bike.\n\nKRAMER\nBoy, I am really surprised at you. (opening\nthe door) You are\n\nthe last person I figured would do something like this. I mean,\nGeorge, yeah, I\n\ncan see that. Even Jerry. But not you, Elaine...\n\nKramer holds one hand up above his head.\n\nKRAMER\nI always put you up here...\n\nKramer holds his other hand at about knee height.\n\nKRAMER\n...They're over here. Now you're...\naww-whawww.\n\nKramer brings his first hand down to the level of the second.\nHe\n\nleaves, closing the door with a bang. Elaine sits, fighting with\nher conscience. There\n\nis a brief pause, then the door opens again and Kramer pokes\nin his head,\n\nexpectantly.\n\nELAINE\n(grudging) Alright.\n\nKRAMER\n(points) Digidi.\n\nKramer leaves and closes the door again.\n\n(Restaurant)\n\nGeorge and Susan are having dinner.\n\nGEORGE\nAw c'mon. It's a fantastic name. It's\na real original, nobody\n\nelse is gonna have it and I absolutely love it.\n\nSUSAN\nWell, I dunno how original it's gonna\nbe any more.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy not?\n\nSUSAN\nWell I was telling Carrie about our\nargument, and when I told\n\nthem the name, they just loved it.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, what're you saying?\n\nSUSAN\nThey're gonna name their baby Seven.\n\nGEORGE\n(disbelief) What?! They're stealing\nthe name?! That's my name,\n\nI made it up!\n\nSUSAN\nI can't believe that they're using it.\n\nGEORGE\n(anger) Well now it's not gonna be original!\nIt's gonna lose\n\nall its cachet!\n\nSUSAN\nI dunno how much cachet it had to begin\nwith.\n\nGEORGE\n(rage) Oh, it's got cachet, baby! It's\ngot cachet up the\n\nyin-yang!\n\n(Elaine's Apartment)\n\nElaine is in bed. She begins to move to get up. As she raises\nherself\n\nfrom the mattress, there is a loud crunching sound. A look of\nagony crosses her\n\nface.\n\nELAINE\n(in pain) Oh god! Oh, god. (bitter)\nKramer!\n\n(Street)\n\nElaine walks along the street. Her neck problem means she has\nher head\n\nTipped back so far she can't see directly in front of her. A\nguy coming the\n\nother way gives her a warning.\n\nMAN\nWatch your step.\n\nElaine collides with a litter bin which is outside her field\nof vision.\n\nELAINE\n(pain) Oh, ah. (bitter) Stupid Kramer.\n\nChristie is looking in a shop window, then she spots Elaine.\n\nCHRISTIE\nExcuse me. Elaine?\n\nElaine, handicapped by her neck, cannot see who's speaking.\n\nELAINE\nHuh?\n\nChristie comes over to Elaine. All Elaine can see of her is her\nhead\n\nand neck.\n\nCHRISTIE\nOver here. I thought that was you. You're\nJerry's friend,\n\nright?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, yeah. Uh, Christie?\n\nCHRISTIE\nYes. How y'doing?\n\nELAINE\n(bearing up) I'm fine.\n\nCHRISTIE\nWell, I gotta run. It was good to see\nyou.\n\nChristie walks away.\n\nELAINE\n(after Christie) Okay, oh, it was good\nto, good to see you.\n\nKramer comes along the street, riding the Schwinn Stingray and\nringing\n\nthe bell. He attracts comments from folk on the street.\n\nVOICE 1\nLookin' good.\n\nVOICE 2\nHey Cosmo, nice wheels.\n\nKRAMER\nYou got that right!\n\nA kid leans out the window of a parked Volvo.\n\nKID\n(scorn) Hey, you're riding a girl's\nbike.\n\nKramer thumbs his nose and continues pedalling.\n\nELAINE\n(shouting) Kramer! Kramer!\n\n(Outside Apartment Building)\n\nGeorge walks up to the door. He pushes the buzzer for a particular\n\napartment.\n\nKEN\nHello.\n\nGEORGE\nHello, Ken. It's George Costanza. I\nthink we need to talk.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry hears a loud knocking from the hallway.\n\nELAINE\n(angry shout) Kramer!\n\nJerry opens the door to reveal Elaine hammering insistently at\nKramer's\n\ndoor.\n\nELAINE\nKramer!!\n\nJERRY\nHey\n\nElaine turns to Jerry and gets a twinge from her neck.\n\nELAINE\nOw! God! Is Kramer back from his little\njoyride yet?\n\nElaine enters Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nHaven't seen him. How's the neck?\n\nELAINE\nHis chiropractic job was a crock. It's\neven worse than it was\n\nbefore.\n\nElaine removes her bag from her back, wincing from the pain as\nshe\n\nmoves.\n\nJERRY\nBoy, I'm surprised. (sarcasm) I would\nthink Kramer would have a\n\nknack for moving pieces of a person's spine around.\n\nELAINE\nHey, you know what, I think I ran into\nthat girl from the\n\nantique store. What's her name, Christie?\n\nJERRY\nYou saw her? What was she wearing?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know. I couldn't see. I couldn't\nlook down because of\n\nmy neck.\n\nJERRY\nDidn't you get a glimpse? An impression?\n\nELAINE\nWhat d'you care?\n\nJERRY\nBoth times I've seen her she's worn\nthe same dress.\n\nThere's a ringing from the Schwinn's bell, and Kramer rides it\ninto\n\nJerry's apartment. He rides all around the apartment, round the\ncouch, past the\n\nTV and is heading for the door.\n\nELAINE\nDid you have a nice ride?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, great ride.\n\nELAINE\nOh, that's good. 'Cos it was your last!\n\nElaine slams the door shut before Kramer can leave. Kramer rides\n\nstraight into the door with a clatter. He falls to the ground,\nthen makes his\n\nstumbling way upright again.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat're you talking about?! We had a\ndeal!\n\nELAINE\n(anger) You better give me back that\nbike! (indicating neck)\n\nLook at this! Look! Ow. I couldn't even crawl out of bed this\nmorning.\n\nKRAMER\nBed? You should be sleeping on a wooden\nboard for at least a\n\nweek.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? You never told me that.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, it's common sense.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, what is he talking about? He's\nbeing ridiculous.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, look. Jerry, you know the whole\nstory, you should\n\nsettle this.\n\nELAINE\nYeah Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I'm flattered that you would both\nappeal to my wisdom, but\n\nunfortunately, my friendship to each of you precludes my getting\n\ninvolved. What you need is an impartial mediator.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I'd go for that. Would you go\nfor that?\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, I'm down.\n\nJERRY\nCourse, it would have to be someone\nwho hasn't heard the story\n\nbefore. Someone who is unencumbered by any emotional attachment.\nSomeone whose\n\nheart is so dark, it cannot be swayed by pity, compassion, or\nhuman emotion of\n\nany kind.\n\n(Newman's Apartment)\n\nElaine and Kramer sit on Newman's couch. Elaine with her head\ntilted\n\nback. Newman sits in his chair, his fingertips together, trying\nto give an\n\nImpression of limitless wisdom.\n\nELAINE\nSo, that's the situation.\n\nNEWMAN\nMmm. You present an interesting dilemma.\nEach of you seemingly\n\nhas a legitimate claim to the bicycle, and yet the bicycle can\nhave only one\n\nrightful owner. Quite the conundrum. As a federal employee, I\nbelieve the law is\n\nall we have. (getting worked up) It's all that separates us from\nthe savages\n\nwho don't deserve even the privilege of the daily mail. (angry)\nStuffing parcels\n\ninto mailboxes where they don't belong!!...\n\nKRAMER\nNewman!\n\nNewman catches himself, and comes back to normality.\n\nNEWMAN\n...But, you must promise That you will\nabide by my decision, no\n\nMatter how unjust it may seem to either of you. Do I have your\nword?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, yeah.\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nNEWMAN\nAlright, let's begin.\n\nNewman sits back, to begin his contemplation. There is the single\n\n'ting' of a microwave.\n\nNEWMAN\n(excited) Ooh, my cocoa!\n\nNewman leaps to his feet and heads for his kitchen.\n\n(Ken and Carrie's Apartment)\n\nCarrie is on the couch, with Ken sitting on the arm. George is\n\nexplaining about Seven.\n\nKEN\nWhy can't we use Seven?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's my name. I made it up. You can't\njust steal it.\n\nCARRIE\nWell, it's not as if Susan's pregnant.\nYou've already postponed\n\nThe wedding. Who knows if you'll ever get married.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, hey hey. Don't worry about me.\nI'm not a waffler. I don't\n\nwaffle!\n\nKEN\nRight, we're both big Mickey Mantle\nfans, and we love the name.\n\nIt's very unusual.\n\nGEORGE\n(shouting) What happened to Soda?! I\nthought we all agreed on\n\nSoda.\n\nKEN\n(emphatic) Well, we don't care for Soda.\n\nGEORGE\nYou don't care for Soda?!\n\nCARRIE\n(worked up) No, no. We don't like Soda\nat all!\n\nGEORGE\n(shouting) How d'you not like Soda?!\nIt's bubbly, it's\n\nrefreshing!\n\nCarrie jumps and gives a cry.\n\nCARRIE\nOh!\n\nKEN\nWhat is it?\n\nCARRIE\nI felt something.\n\nKEN\nAre you okay, honey?\n\nCARRIE\nI think I'm going into labour.\n\nGeorge flashes a panicked expression.\n\nKEN\nOh god, oh god. Okay, let's not panic.\nLet's just get to the\n\nhospital...\n\nKen and Carrie rise and head toward the door.\n\nCARRIE\nOkay.\n\nKEN\n...Alright? I got the suitcase packed,\nright here.\n\nKen grabs the suitcase from by the door and they exit, hurriedly.\n\nGeorge trails along behind them, making suggestions.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about Six?\n\nKen gives him a look over his shoulder.\n\nGEORGE\nNine. Thirt... thirteen's no good.\n\nKen has left, George follows out the door.\n\nGEORGE\nFourteen. (shouting after Ken) Fourteen!\n\nGeorge closes the door behind him.\n\n(Restaurant)\n\nJerry and Christie are having dinner. Christie is eating, while\nJerry\n\nleans back picking at his meal, looking suspicious at the fact\nthat Christie is\n\nwearing the same black and white dress as at their two previous\nmeetings.\n\nCHRISTIE\nAre you okay, Jerry? You seem quiet.\n\nJERRY\nNo, I'm just a little uh, worn out.\n\nCHRISTIE\nI know exactly what you mean.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I'm sure you do.\n\nChristie begins to season her food, with salt. Jerry chews\n\nthoughtfully.\n\nJERRY\nWhat in god's name is going on here?\nIs she wearing the\n\nsame thing over and over again? Or does she have a closet full\nof these, like\n\nSuperman? I've got to unlock this mystery.\n\nChristie adds a little pepper to her dish. But after replacing\nthe\n\nshaker, she knocks her glass of red wine over her dress.\n\nCHRISTIE\n(horrified) Oh my god!\n\nJERRY\nOh.\n\nChristie mops at the spill with her napkin, but there's only\nso much\n\nyou can do.\n\nCHRISTIE\nAhh. I can't go to the movies like this.\nDo you mind if we go\n\nback to my apartment, so I can change?\n\nJERRY\nChange? (thoughtful) Yes, I think that's\na super idea.\n\n(Ken and Carrie's Car)\n\nKen is driving Carrie to the hospital. Carrie is as worked up\nas you'd\n\nexpect a woman in labor to be. In the back seat, George is making\none last\n\nattempt to save his name.\n\nCARRIE\nAre we almost there?\n\nKEN\nJust keep breathing, okay.\n\nCARRIE\n(deep breaths) Okay, okay.\n\nKEN\nOkay.\n\nGEORGE\n(to Carrie) You know, the thing is,\nI kinda promised the widow\n\nMantle that I would name my baby Seven.\n\nAs George speaks, Ken is looking impatient and angry.\n\nKEN\nNow's not the best time, George!\n\nGEORGE\n(to Carrie) It's just that, I know her,\nand boy...\n\nKEN\n(firm) George! She's in labour!\n\nGEORGE\n(angry shout) So am I!\n\n(Newman's Apartment)\n\nElaine and Kramer still sit on the couch, awaiting Newman's\n\narbitration.\n\nNEWMAN\nWell, you've both presented very convincing\narguments. On the\n\none hand, Elaine, your promise was given in haste. But was it\nnot still a promise? Hmm?\n\nKramer looks at Elaine, thinking his arguments have put him one\nup.\n\nNEWMAN\nAnd, Kramer, you did provide a service\nin exchange for\n\ncompensation. But, does the fee, once paid, not entitle the buyer\nto some assurance\n\nOf reliability? Hmm? Huh? Ahh. These were not easy questions\nto answer.\n\nNot for any man...\n\nKramer leans forward to receive the result. Elaine looks as attentive\n\nas she can while only being able to look upwards.\n\nNEWMAN\n...But I have made a decision. (revelatory)\nWe will cut the\n\nbike down the middle, and give half to each of you.\n\nELAINE\n(shout) What?! This is your solution?!\nTo ruin the bike?!\n\nNewman's face drops at her negative reaction. Kramer looks across\nat\n\nthe bike, looking worried.\n\nELAINE\nAlright, fine. Fine. Go ahead. (standing)\nCut the stupid thing\n\nin half.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather\nit belonged to another\n\nthan see it destroyed. Newman, give it to her, I beg you.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, yeah, y-yeah.\n\nNEWMAN\nNot so fast, Elaine! Only the bike's\ntrue owner would rather\n\ngive it away than see it come to harm. Kramer, the bike is yours!\n\nELAINE\nWhat?!\n\nKRAMER\nSweet justice. Newman, you are wise.\n\nKramer picks up the bike and climbs aboard.\n\nELAINE\n(frustration) But this isn't fair! Lookit,\nmy neck is still\n\nhurting me,\n\nand now you have the bike?!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, tell it to the judge, honey. I'm\ngoing for a ride.\n\nKramer opens the door and rides clumsily out, ringing the bell\nas he\n\ngoes.\n\n(Christie's Apartment)\n\nChristie leads Jerry into her home.\n\nCHRISTIE\nHere we are.\n\nJERRY\n(looking around) Ah, so this is the\nFortress of Solitude.\n\nChristie puts down her bag, and removes her coat.\n\nCHRISTIE\nWell, I guess I'll go change.\n\nJERRY\nYes, change. By all means, change.\n\nChristie walks away down a hallway. Jerry removes his coat and\nsits\n\ndown. He looks around himself. On the coffee table he notices\na small framed\n\npicture of Christie and some guy. In the picture, she's wearing\nthe same black and\n\nWhite dress. Jerry picks it up and examines it more closely,\nreading a date\n\nwritten on the photo.\n\nJERRY\nAugust seventeen, nineteen-ninety-two.\nThe same dress!\n\nShe never\n\nchanges! Oh my god. (looking around) She's gotta have hundreds\nof these\n\ndresses.\n\nJerry gets up from his seat.\n\nJERRY\nThere must be a secret stash around\nhere somewhere.\n\nJerry opens a closet and begins to look inside. While he's rooting\n\nabout in there, Christie reenters the room, wearing a robe and\nlooking indignant\n\nat discovering Jerry invading her privacy.\n\nCHRISTIE\nAhem! Are you looking for something?\n\nJERRY\nWhat're you doing? I thought you were\nchanging.\n\nCHRISTIE\nNo, I, I'm thinking we should just call\nit a night.\n\nJERRY\nNo, no. C'mon, put something else on.\nIt's early, let's go out.\n\nCHRISTIE\nIf it's all the same to you, I think\nI'm just gonna go to\n\nbed.\n\nJerry moves to the couch, where he half lays down.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, I'm kinda tired myself. Maybe\nI'll just sleep here on\n\nThe couch. Then in the morning, you'll get dressed, we'll walk\nout\n\ntogether. Both dressed, different clothes. Well, I'll be in the\nsame clothes. You'll\n\nof course be in different clothes, because it's your apartment.\nBut we'll go\n\ndownstairs, me in my same clothes, you in your different clothes.\n\nCHRISTIE\n(unequivocal) Jerry. I don't think so.\n\nJerry picks up his coat and moves toward the door.\n\nJERRY\nYou wanna throw something on and walk\nme to a cab?\n\nCHRISTIE\n(gesturing) Get out.\n\nJerry walks though the door. He's still talking as Christie closes\nit\n\non him.\n\nJERRY\n(pleading) Tell me what you're wearing\ntomorrow. I'll help you\n\nlay it out on the bed.\n\n(Hospital)\n\nCarrie is in a wheelchair, being wheeled by an orderly. She's\ndoing her\n\nbreathing. Ken hurries alongside, comforting his wife. George\nalso\n\nhustles along the corridor with the group.\n\nKEN\nOkay, breathe, honey. Breathe.\n\nGEORGE\n(to Carrie) You know, you're really\nbeing very selfish. It\n\nwould be nice if you would think of someone other than yourself\nevery now and then!\n\nCARRIE\n(shouts) I'm having a baby!!\n\nThe orderly pushes the wheelchair on through the door of the\ndelivery\n\nroom. Ken turns to face George.\n\nKEN\nGeorge, you're not getting Seven! Now\nget outta here!!\n\nKen strides into the delivery room.\n\nGEORGE\n(desperate) Please! I have so little!\n\nGeorge tries to follow, but an orderly blocks his path.\n\nORDERLY\nSorry sir, it's family only.\n\nThe orderly closes the door on George, whose face can be seen\nthrough\n\nThe window.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm family. I'm having sex with the\ncousin!\n\nGeorge thumps his fists against the door in frustration. He's\ncrying as\n\nHe screams.\n\nGEORGE\nSeven!!\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry is on the phone, while Kramer examines a box of cereal\nin the\n\nkitchen.\n\nJERRY\nHello, Christie? I was wondering if\nwe could get together again?\n\n(listens) Oh really? Well you can't break up with me over the\nphone.\n\nC'mon, you gotta do this in person. It doesn't even have to be\none on one, you can\n\nbring a group of friends. I just wanna see you. Wait, don't hang\nup on me.\n\n(hurriedly) Why d'you wear the same dress all the time? Hello.\n\nDefeated, Jerry hangs up the phone.\n\nKRAMER\n(indicating the cereal) Hey, Jerry,\nif you're gonna be snacking\n\nOn these, you can't expect me to pay for the whole box.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, hobo Joe. I didn't wanna put\na damper on your little\n\nSmorgasbord here, but it's the end of the week, so I added up\nyour tab.\n\nJerry tears a sheet off a writing pad, and presents it to Kramer.\n\nKramer takes a look.\n\nKRAMER\n(does a double take) Yikes.\n\nJERRY\nI know. Pretty steep.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I don't have this kind of cash.\n\nJERRY\nFew do.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm good for it.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, well, until this bill is paid...\n\nJerry takes back the tab, then takes the cereal out of Kramer's\nhands.\n\nJERRY\n...the food court is closed.\n\nKRAMER\n(opening the door) Alright. I'll get\nthat money for you in five\n\nminutes. And, don't eat any more.\n\nKramer leaves at a run.\n\n(Street)\n\nElaine is walking along, when she spots something ahead of her.\n\nELAINE\nHey, that's my bike!\n\nAlong the sidewalk comes a happy-looking Newman, pedalling the\nSchwinn\n\nfor all he's worth. He rings the bell.\n\nNEWMAN\nGangway!\n\nELAINE\nThis is my bike!\n\nNewman brakes to a halt in front of Elaine.\n\nNEWMAN\nOh no. No no no no. I bought it from\nKramer. He was hard up for\n\ncash. Fifty bucks! (he laughs) Can you believe it? Of course,\nI had to make\n\nsome minor modifications, you know. Solid tyres, reinforced seatpost,\nheavy duty\n\nshocks. But, baby, this is one sweet ride.\n\nNewman begins to ride away.\n\nELAINE\n(chasing Newman) No, you better gimme\nback that bike. Newman,\n\ngimme...\n\nElaine grabs hold of the trailing end of Newman's scarf.\n\nNEWMAN\nHey!! Help me!\n\nThe show ends with a freeze frame of Newman on the bike, and\na\n\ndetermined Elaine grasping the scarf. There are sounds of a struggle.\n\n(End)\n\n7.13 \"The Seven\"\n\nEPISODE NUMBER\n123\n\nORIGINAL AIR DATE\nFebruary 01, 1996\n\nWRITTEN BY\nAlec Berg & Jeff Schaffer\n\nDIRECTED BY\nAndy Ackerman\n\nGUEST CAST\n\nKen Hudson Campbell (Ken)\n\nShannon Holt (Carrie)\n\nLisa Deanne (Christie)\n\nCharles Emmett (Orderly)\n\nDavid Richards (Maitre d')\n\nMatthew McCurley (Kid)\n\nJosh Abramson (Man #1)\n\nSteve Artiaga (Man #2)\n\nCheryl Hunter (Woman)\n\n(Nightclub)\n\nJerry's standup piece.\n\nJERRY\nI love it when people are complimented\non something they're\n\nwearing and they accept the compliment as if it was about them.\n\"Nice tie.\" \"Well,\n\nthank you. Thank you very much.\" The compliment is for the tie,\nit's not for\n\nyou, but we take it. That's kind of the job of clothes; to get\ncompliments for\n\nus, because it's very hard to get compliments based on your human\n\nqualities. Right? Let's face it, no matter how nice a person\nyou are, nobody's gonna come\n\nSay \"Hey, nice person.\" It's much easier to be a bastard and\njust try and\n\nmatch the colours up.\n\n(Antique Toy Store)\n\nElaine and Jerry enter a store stocked with the toys of yesteryear.\n\nThey look around at the array of classic teddy bears, toy boats,\npuppets, etc.\n\nELAINE\n(awed) Oh, look at this!\n\nJERRY\nBoy, I miss the days they made toys\nthat could kill a kid.\n\nSomething on the wall catches Elaine's eye. It's an old-fashioned\n\ngirl's bicycle, with high handlebars, a pink frame and a basket\non the front.\n\nELAINE\n(excited) Oh, cool! Look at that!\n\nJerry looks over, but his eye is drawn more towards an attractive\n\nwoman, Christie, who stands looking at the toys. She's wearing\na dress of\n\nmid-thigh length, black from the bottom of the ribs down, and\nwhite on the chest\n\nand arms.\n\nJERRY\n(admiring Christie) Yeah, I'm right\nthere with ya.\n\nELAINE\n(excited) That is a Schwinn Stingray!\nAnd it's the girl's\n\nmodel! Oh, I always wanted one of these when I was little.\n\nChristie leaves her examination of the toys on that side of the\nstore,\n\nand walks over to some other items. Jerry watches her as she\ngoes, she notices\n\nand smiles and flirtatious looks are exchanged. Jerry is oblivious\nto Elaine's\n\nvoice.\n\nELAINE\nWhat d'you think Jerry? Jerry?\n\nJERRY\n(tearing himself away from Christie)\nHuh?\n\nELAINE\nWhat d'you think?\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah, be great for your paper route.\n\nELAINE\n(laughs) I love it. I'm getting it.\n\nElaine reaches for the bike, as Jerry turns back to Christie.\n\nELAINE\nCan you help me get it down, Jer? Jerry.\n\nCHRISTIE\nI think your friend needs some help\nover there.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, the only way to really help\nher is to just let her be.\n\nElaine gives up on Jerry assisting her and tries to lift the\nbike off\n\nthe wall on her own. But as she raises it, the weight proves\ntoo much and she\n\nfalls backwards, ending up on her back on the floor with the\nbike pinning her\n\ndown. She struggles to lift it, but can't make much impression,\nso she rings\n\nthe bell on the bike. Jerry finally has his attention drawn away\nfrom Christie.\n\nELAINE\nHey!\n\nElaine makes 'So, are you gonna help me?' gestures.\n\n(Restaurant)\n\nGeorge and Susan are having dinner with Ken and Carrie. Carrie\nis\n\nHeavily pregnant. George is eating spaghetti with his usual decorum.\n\nSUSAN\nA little baby girl?\n\nKEN\nDoctor says it could be any day now.\n\nGEORGE\n(through mouthful of food) So, Carrie,\nyou and Susan are\n\ncousins. So your baby daughter is gonna be Susan's second cousin,\nright? So what\n\ndoes that make me?\n\nCARRIE\nDoesn't make you anything.\n\nGEORGE\n(jokingly) Well, so, legally, I could\nmarry your daughter.\n\nGeorge laughs and shovels another load of pasta into his mouth.\nKen and\n\nCarrie look perturbed.\n\nSUSAN\nSo, have you picked out a name yet?\n\nCARRIE\nWell, we've narrowed it down to a few.\nWe like Kimberley.\n\nSUSAN\nAww.\n\nGEORGE\n(negative) Hu-ho, boy.\n\nKEN\nYou don't like Kimberley?\n\nGEORGE\nEch. What else you got?\n\nKEN\nHow about Joan?\n\nGEORGE\nAw c'mon, I'm eating here.\n\nSUSAN\n(warning) George!\n\nCARRIE\nPamela?\n\nGEORGE\nPamela?! Awright, I tell you what. You\nlook like nice people,\n\nI'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda.\n\nKEN\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nSoda. S-O-D-A. Soda.\n\nCARRIE\nI don't know, it sounds a little strange.\n\nGEORGE\nAll names sound strange the first time\nyou hear 'em. What, you\n\nTelling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they\nheard it?\n\nKEN\nYeah, but uh... Soda?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, that's right. It's working.\n\nCARRIE\nWe'll put it on the list.\n\nGEORGE\nI solve problems. That's just what I\ndo.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry sits in front of the TV, while in the kitchen Kramer is\nbuilding\n\nA sandwich of epic proportions. He hums to himself as he piles\nsliced\n\nmeat onto bread. Jerry looks over at him, looking somewhat irritated\nby the way\n\nKramer's demolishing his food stocks.\n\nKRAMER\n(sniffing a slice of meat) Yeah, oh\nboy. Mmm, that's good.\n\nJERRY\nYou're really going to town with that\nturkey there.\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah, I got a big appetite.\n\nKramer goes to the fridge and looks inside.\n\nKRAMER\nUhh, Jerry, you got no mustard, huh.\n\nJERRY\nIt's on the door.\n\nKRAMER\n(examining a yellow squeeze bottle)\nWhat, this yellow stuff?\n\nNo, I said mustard, Jerry. Dijon.\n\nKramer waves away the squeezy option and shuts the fridge.\n\nKRAMER\nAh, 's no good.\n\nKramer goes back to his sandwich, puts the second slice of bread\non,\n\nand takes a bite. It doesn't meet with his approval. He spits\nout the mouthful he's\n\ntaken onto the plate, and dumps the rest of the sandwich next\nto it.\n\nKRAMER\nNo. That's bush league.\n\nKramer heads toward the door.\n\nJERRY\nHey, hey. Wha... wait... what, you're\ngonna leave it there?\n\nThat's like half a pound of turkey!\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, I can't eat that. You can't\neat a sandwich without\n\nDijon.\n\nJERRY\n(sarcasm) Yeah, you're right. I really\nshould keep more of your\n\nfavourites on hand.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, hey, hey. I'm getting a vibe here.\nWhat, are you unhappy\n\nwith our arrangement?\n\nJERRY\nWhat arrangement?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I was under the impression that\nI could take anything I\n\nWanted from your fridge, and you could take whatever you want\nfrom mine.\n\nJERRY\n(sarcasm) Yeah, well, lemme know when\nyou get something in there\n\nand I will.\n\nElaine enters. She has her head leaning over to the left, and\nshe's\n\nMoving carefully, like it's giving her pain.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, hey.\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey. What's with your neck?\n\nELAINE\nStill killing me from having to get\nthat bike off the wall.\n\n(pointedly) By myself.\n\nJERRY\nWell, if it's any consolation, I did\nget her number.\n\nELAINE\n(sitting) Ah, I think I really strained\nit. Ow.\n\nJERRY\nAw, I doubt you strained it. Maybe you\npulled it.\n\nELAINE\nAch, maybe.\n\nJERRY\nDid you twist it? You coulda twisted\nit.\n\nELAINE\nI don't know.\n\nJERRY\nDid you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe\nyou squeezed it. Turned\n\nit...\n\nELAINE\n(patience exhausted) You know what,\nwhy don't you just shut the\n\nhell up?\n\nJERRY\nAwright.\n\nELAINE\nGod. Man, this is killing me. Right\nnow, I would give that bike\n\nto the first person who could make this pain go away.\n\nKRAMER\nAw, you really hurting, huh?\n\nELAINE\nOh, Kramer, it's just awful.\n\nKRAMER\nUh hmm. Well, your arterioles have constricted.\n\nKramer walks around behind the seated Elaine, and reaches for\nher neck.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, lean forward, relax.\n\nELAINE\n(worried) What? What?\n\nKRAMER\nEncounter shiatsu.\n\nKramer begins to work at Elaine's neck with his thumbs.\n\nELAINE\nWait a minute. Kramer, you know what\nyou're doing here?\n\nKRAMER\n(continuing to work) Ohh yeah. A wise\nman once taught me the\n\nHealing power of the body's natural pressure points.\n\nELAINE\nAh hah.\n\nKRAMER\n(to Jerry) He sells tee-shirts outside\nthe World Trade Centre.\n\nELAINE\n(seriously worried) Wha...?\n\nKRAMER\nHe's a genius. Here we go...\n\nKramer takes a firm grip of each side of Elaine's head. Elaine\nlooks\n\nReally worried now. She grabs a hold of Jerry's shirt and the\narm of the\n\ncouch, and her feet stamp on the floor.\n\nKRAMER\nFrom pain, will come pleasure.\n\nKramer violently twists Elaine's head to the left. There's a\nloud\n\nCrunching sound, and Elaine cries out in shock. Kramer lets go\nof her head and\n\nsteps away, job done.\n\nKRAMER\nUh? Voila.\n\nELAINE\n(pleasantly surprised) Oh my god!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nElaine rolls her head around, completely comfortable.\n\nELAINE\nWow! That is unbelievable. The pain\nis totally gone!\n\nJERRY\nWhat's even more amazing is his formal\ntraining is in\n\npaediatrics.\n\nKRAMER\nAwright, my work is done here.\n\nKramer heads for the door.\n\nELAINE\n(big smile) Oh man! Kramer, thank you!\n\nKRAMER\n(closing the door) Yeah, you can send\nthat bike over any time.\n\nELAINE\n(after Kramer) What? (to Jerry) What,\nwhat is he talking about?\n\nJERRY\nI dunno. (realising) Oh, 'cos you said\nyou'd give the bike to\n\nanyone who fixes your neck.\n\nELAINE\nYou really think he wants the bike?\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah.\n\nELAINE\nIt took him like ten seconds!\n\nJERRY\nWell, that's the most he's worked in\nthe last four months.\n\n(George's Car)\n\nGeorge and Susan, heading home from the restaurant. George is\nhappy,\n\nsmiling and whistling.\n\nGEORGE\nI think they really went for that Soda.\n\nSUSAN\nWhat, are you crazy? They hated it.\nThey were just humouring\n\nyou.\n\nGEORGE\nAh, alright. Believe me, that kid's\ngonna be called Soda.\n\nSUSAN\nI can tell you, I would never name my\nchild Soda.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, no no no. Course not. I got a great\nname for our kids. A\n\nReal original. You wanna hear what it is? Huh, you ready?\n\nSUSAN\nYeah.\n\nGeorge uses his finger to draw a number 7 in the air, accompanying\nthe\n\nStrokes of his digit with a two-tone whistle.\n\nSUSAN\nWhat is that? Sign language?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, Seven.\n\nSUSAN\nSeven Costanza? You're serious?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy\nor a girl...\n\nSusan scoffs.\n\nGEORGE\n...especially a girl. Or a boy.\n\nSUSAN\nI don't think so.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, you don't like the name?\n\nSUSAN\nIt's not a name. It's a number.\n\nGEORGE\nI know. It's Mickey Mantle's number.\nSo not only is it an all\n\nAround beautiful name, it is also a living tribute.\n\nSUSAN\nIt's awful. I hate it!\n\nGEORGE\n(angry) Well, that's the name!\n\nSUSAN\n(also angry) Oh no it is not! No child\nof mine is ever going to\n\nbe named Seven!\n\nGEORGE\n(yelling) Awright, let's just stay calm\nhere! Don't get all\n\ncrazy on me!\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry walks from the bathroom, talking to George, who's just\ntold him\n\nabout his contretemps with Susan.\n\nJERRY\nSeven? Yeah, I guess I could see it.\nSeven. Seven periods of\n\nschool, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating,\nand eventually\n\nseven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service.\n\nGEORGE\n(adamant) Yes I am. I defy you to come\nup with a better name\n\nthan Seven.\n\nJerry walks toward the kitchen. He sees an item on the counter.\n\nJERRY\nAwright, let's see. How about Mug? (picks\nup the mug) Mug\n\nCostanza, that's original. (he turns and sees another item) Or\nuh, Ketchup?\n\nPretty name for a girl.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, you having a good time there?\n\nJerry is in the kitchen, and opens a cupboard. His eyes run over\nthe\n\narray of good within.\n\nJERRY\nI got fifty right here in the cupboard.\nHow about Bisquik?\n\nPimento. Gherkin. Sauce. Maxwell House.\n\nGEORGE\n(shouts) Awright already!! This is a\nvery key issue with me,\n\nJerry. I had this name for a long time.\n\nJerry comes back into the living room. A thought occurs.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I forgot to call Christie.\n\nGEORGE\nChristie? That's the one you met in\nthe antique store?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, she had this great black and white\ndress, with a scoop\n\nneck. She looked like some kinda superhero.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd you met her in an antique store!\nI don't know how you do\n\nit!\n\nJERRY\n(smug) I'm not engaged.\n\nGeorge gives Jerry a look. Kramer enters. He's carrying a small\n\ngoldfish bowl, a pad and a pencil tied to the bowl by string.\n\nKRAMER\nAh, I got it.\n\nJERRY\nGot what?\n\nKRAMER\n(putting the items on the counter) Got\nthe answer, Jerry.\n\nRefrigerator problem, is solved.\n\nJERRY\nOh, it's no problem. You can take whatever\nyou want.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I will. But now, I'm accountable.\nAlright, I take what I\n\nwant.\n\nKramer takes a cupcake from a box on the counter.\n\nKRAMER\nHere. I write it down. (he writes) \"One\ncupcake.\" And then I\n\nput it in the bowl. (he tears off the sheet, crumples it and\ndrops it into the\n\nbowl) There. Very simple.\n\nJERRY\nSort of a mooching inventory.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no. Not mooching. 'Cos at the end\nof the week, you add 'em\n\nall up, and you give me the bill.\n\nJERRY\nAlright.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, now look I gotta run some errands,\nso look. When\n\nElaine comes by with that bike, you hang onto it for me, alright?\n\nGeorge passes by as he goes to the fridge.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, I don't know if you're getting\nthat bike.\n\nKRAMER\nYes I am. We had a verbal contract.\nIf we can't take each other\n\nat our word, all is lost.\n\nGeorge has fetched a Diet Coke from the fridge. He opens it.\nKramer\n\nhears the hiss, and notices George.\n\nKRAMER\n(waving at the bowl) Oh yeah, yeah.\nPut that on my tab.\n\n(Restaurant)\n\nJerry and Christie have just arrived. They're both wearing long\ncoats,\n\nFastened to the collar.\n\nJERRY\nWell this is it. The food is atrocious,\nbut the busboys are the\n\nbest in the city.\n\nA member of staff approaches.\n\nMAITRE D'\nMay I take your coat, miss?\n\nCHRISTIE\nYes, thank you.\n\nThe Maitre d' helps Christie to slip out of her coat, revealing\nthat\n\nshe has on the exact same dress as she was wearing in the antique\nstore. Jerry\n\nlooks bemused, but plasters on a fixed smile as Christie looks\nat him.\n\n(Monks')\n\nJerry and George sit in a booth, discussing the previous night.\nGeorge\n\nFingers his chin thoughtfully.\n\nGEORGE\nThe same outfit?\n\nJERRY\nThe exact same outfit.\n\nGEORGE\nHow many days was it between encounters.\n\nJERRY\nThree.\n\nGEORGE\nThree days. Well, maybe you caught her\non the cusp of a new\n\nwash cycle. You know, she did laundry the day after she met you,\neverything got\n\nclean and she started all over again.\n\nJERRY\nPossibly, but then shouldn't the outfit\nonly reappear again at\n\nthe end of the cycle?\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe she moved it up in the rotation.\n\nJERRY\nWhy? It's our first date, she's already\nin reruns?\n\nGEORGE\nVery curious.\n\nJERRY\nIndeed.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, Einstein wore the exact same\noutfit every day.\n\nJERRY\nWell, if she splits the atom, I'll let\nit slide.\n\nGEORGE\n(picking up his coat) Awright, I'm heading\nhome.\n\nJERRY\nHey, did Susan change her mind about\nthe name?\n\nGEORGE\n(standing) Not yet, but she's weakening.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, George, just because your\nlife is destroyed, don't\n\nDestroy someone else's.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's Mickey Mantle, Jerry. My idol.\n\nJERRY\nHow about 'Mickey'?\n\nGEORGE\n'Mickey'? (incredulous) 'Mickey'!\n\nGeorge walks away, half-laughing at Jerry's ludicrous suggestion.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry is in the fridge. Kramer enters with a slide of the feet,\nand a\n\ncigar in his mouth.\n\nKRAMER\nHey buddy.\n\nJERRY\n(holding up a can) Hey, is this your\nhalf a can of soda in the\n\nfridge?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, that's yours. My half is gone.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I put my half a can here on the\ntab. Why, what's your\n\nbeef?\n\nJERRY\nYou cannot buy half a can of soda.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, why not.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I don't wanna get into the whole\nphysics of carbonation\n\nwith you here, but you know the sound a can makes when you open\nit?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nThat is the sound of you buying a whole\ncan. And the same goes\n\nfor this, okay...\n\nJerry holds up an apple, from which has been taken one large\nbite.\n\nJERRY\n...When you pierce the skin of a piece\nof fruit, you've bought\n\nthe whole fruit. Not a third of an apple, not a half of a banana...\n\nJerry hold up a half banana.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright.\n\nJERRY\n...You bite it, you bought it.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, alright. I'll make the necessary\nadjustments, alright.\n\nJERRY\nThank you.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nElaine enters.\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nOh. (pointedly) So, how's the neck?\nNice and loose?\n\nELAINE\nLookit, Kramer, you are not getting\nthis bike. I don't even\n\nknow why you ant it. (laughingly) I mean, it's a girl's bike.\n\nKRAMER\n(deadly serious) It's a verbal contract.\nWe had a deal.\n\nELAINE\nNo we didn't. You take these things\ntoo literally. It's like\n\nsaying,\n\nyou're hungry enough to eat a horse.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, my friend Jay Reimenschneider\neats horse all the time. He\n\ngets it from his butcher.\n\nELAINE\nThis is not the point. (emphatic) The\npoint is, you just can't\n\nhave the bike.\n\nKRAMER\nBoy, I am really surprised at you. (opening\nthe door) You are\n\nthe last person I figured would do something like this. I mean,\nGeorge, yeah, I\n\ncan see that. Even Jerry. But not you, Elaine...\n\nKramer holds one hand up above his head.\n\nKRAMER\nI always put you up here...\n\nKramer holds his other hand at about knee height.\n\nKRAMER\n...They're over here. Now you're...\naww-whawww.\n\nKramer brings his first hand down to the level of the second.\nHe\n\nleaves, closing the door with a bang. Elaine sits, fighting with\nher conscience. There\n\nis a brief pause, then the door opens again and Kramer pokes\nin his head,\n\nexpectantly.\n\nELAINE\n(grudging) Alright.\n\nKRAMER\n(points) Digidi.\n\nKramer leaves and closes the door again.\n\n(Restaurant)\n\nGeorge and Susan are having dinner.\n\nGEORGE\nAw c'mon. It's a fantastic name. It's\na real original, nobody\n\nelse is gonna have it and I absolutely love it.\n\nSUSAN\nWell, I dunno how original it's gonna\nbe any more.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy not?\n\nSUSAN\nWell I was telling Carrie about our\nargument, and when I told\n\nthem the name, they just loved it.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, what're you saying?\n\nSUSAN\nThey're gonna name their baby Seven.\n\nGEORGE\n(disbelief) What?! They're stealing\nthe name?! That's my name,\n\nI made it up!\n\nSUSAN\nI can't believe that they're using it.\n\nGEORGE\n(anger) Well now it's not gonna be original!\nIt's gonna lose\n\nall its cachet!\n\nSUSAN\nI dunno how much cachet it had to begin\nwith.\n\nGEORGE\n(rage) Oh, it's got cachet, baby! It's\ngot cachet up the\n\nyin-yang!\n\n(Elaine's Apartment)\n\nElaine is in bed. She begins to move to get up. As she raises\nherself\n\nfrom the mattress, there is a loud crunching sound. A look of\nagony crosses her\n\nface.\n\nELAINE\n(in pain) Oh god! Oh, god. (bitter)\nKramer!\n\n(Street)\n\nElaine walks along the street. Her neck problem means she has\nher head\n\nTipped back so far she can't see directly in front of her. A\nguy coming the\n\nother way gives her a warning.\n\nMAN\nWatch your step.\n\nElaine collides with a litter bin which is outside her field\nof vision.\n\nELAINE\n(pain) Oh, ah. (bitter) Stupid Kramer.\n\nChristie is looking in a shop window, then she spots Elaine.\n\nCHRISTIE\nExcuse me. Elaine?\n\nElaine, handicapped by her neck, cannot see who's speaking.\n\nELAINE\nHuh?\n\nChristie comes over to Elaine. All Elaine can see of her is her\nhead\n\nand neck.\n\nCHRISTIE\nOver here. I thought that was you. You're\nJerry's friend,\n\nright?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, yeah. Uh, Christie?\n\nCHRISTIE\nYes. How y'doing?\n\nELAINE\n(bearing up) I'm fine.\n\nCHRISTIE\nWell, I gotta run. It was good to see\nyou.\n\nChristie walks away.\n\nELAINE\n(after Christie) Okay, oh, it was good\nto, good to see you.\n\nKramer comes along the street, riding the Schwinn Stingray and\nringing\n\nthe bell. He attracts comments from folk on the street.\n\nVOICE 1\nLookin' good.\n\nVOICE 2\nHey Cosmo, nice wheels.\n\nKRAMER\nYou got that right!\n\nA kid leans out the window of a parked Volvo.\n\nKID\n(scorn) Hey, you're riding a girl's\nbike.\n\nKramer thumbs his nose and continues pedalling.\n\nELAINE\n(shouting) Kramer! Kramer!\n\n(Outside Apartment Building)\n\nGeorge walks up to the door. He pushes the buzzer for a particular\n\napartment.\n\nKEN\nHello.\n\nGEORGE\nHello, Ken. It's George Costanza. I\nthink we need to talk.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry hears a loud knocking from the hallway.\n\nELAINE\n(angry shout) Kramer!\n\nJerry opens the door to reveal Elaine hammering insistently at\nKramer's\n\ndoor.\n\nELAINE\nKramer!!\n\nJERRY\nHey\n\nElaine turns to Jerry and gets a twinge from her neck.\n\nELAINE\nOw! God! Is Kramer back from his little\njoyride yet?\n\nElaine enters Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nHaven't seen him. How's the neck?\n\nELAINE\nHis chiropractic job was a crock. It's\neven worse than it was\n\nbefore.\n\nElaine removes her bag from her back, wincing from the pain as\nshe\n\nmoves.\n\nJERRY\nBoy, I'm surprised. (sarcasm) I would\nthink Kramer would have a\n\nknack for moving pieces of a person's spine around.\n\nELAINE\nHey, you know what, I think I ran into\nthat girl from the\n\nantique store. What's her name, Christie?\n\nJERRY\nYou saw her? What was she wearing?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know. I couldn't see. I couldn't\nlook down because of\n\nmy neck.\n\nJERRY\nDidn't you get a glimpse? An impression?\n\nELAINE\nWhat d'you care?\n\nJERRY\nBoth times I've seen her she's worn\nthe same dress.\n\nThere's a ringing from the Schwinn's bell, and Kramer rides it\ninto\n\nJerry's apartment. He rides all around the apartment, round the\ncouch, past the\n\nTV and is heading for the door.\n\nELAINE\nDid you have a nice ride?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, great ride.\n\nELAINE\nOh, that's good. 'Cos it was your last!\n\nElaine slams the door shut before Kramer can leave. Kramer rides\n\nstraight into the door with a clatter. He falls to the ground,\nthen makes his\n\nstumbling way upright again.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat're you talking about?! We had a\ndeal!\n\nELAINE\n(anger) You better give me back that\nbike! (indicating neck)\n\nLook at this! Look! Ow. I couldn't even crawl out of bed this\nmorning.\n\nKRAMER\nBed? You should be sleeping on a wooden\nboard for at least a\n\nweek.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? You never told me that.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, it's common sense.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, what is he talking about? He's\nbeing ridiculous.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, look. Jerry, you know the whole\nstory, you should\n\nsettle this.\n\nELAINE\nYeah Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I'm flattered that you would both\nappeal to my wisdom, but\n\nunfortunately, my friendship to each of you precludes my getting\n\ninvolved. What you need is an impartial mediator.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I'd go for that. Would you go\nfor that?\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, I'm down.\n\nJERRY\nCourse, it would have to be someone\nwho hasn't heard the story\n\nbefore. Someone who is unencumbered by any emotional attachment.\nSomeone whose\n\nheart is so dark, it cannot be swayed by pity, compassion, or\nhuman emotion of\n\nany kind.\n\n(Newman's Apartment)\n\nElaine and Kramer sit on Newman's couch. Elaine with her head\ntilted\n\nback. Newman sits in his chair, his fingertips together, trying\nto give an\n\nImpression of limitless wisdom.\n\nELAINE\nSo, that's the situation.\n\nNEWMAN\nMmm. You present an interesting dilemma.\nEach of you seemingly\n\nhas a legitimate claim to the bicycle, and yet the bicycle can\nhave only one\n\nrightful owner. Quite the conundrum. As a federal employee, I\nbelieve the law is\n\nall we have. (getting worked up) It's all that separates us from\nthe savages\n\nwho don't deserve even the privilege of the daily mail. (angry)\nStuffing parcels\n\ninto mailboxes where they don't belong!!...\n\nKRAMER\nNewman!\n\nNewman catches himself, and comes back to normality.\n\nNEWMAN\n...But, you must promise That you will\nabide by my decision, no\n\nMatter how unjust it may seem to either of you. Do I have your\nword?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, yeah.\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nNEWMAN\nAlright, let's begin.\n\nNewman sits back, to begin his contemplation. There is the single\n\n'ting' of a microwave.\n\nNEWMAN\n(excited) Ooh, my cocoa!\n\nNewman leaps to his feet and heads for his kitchen.\n\n(Ken and Carrie's Apartment)\n\nCarrie is on the couch, with Ken sitting on the arm. George is\n\nexplaining about Seven.\n\nKEN\nWhy can't we use Seven?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's my name. I made it up. You can't\njust steal it.\n\nCARRIE\nWell, it's not as if Susan's pregnant.\nYou've already postponed\n\nThe wedding. Who knows if you'll ever get married.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, hey hey. Don't worry about me.\nI'm not a waffler. I don't\n\nwaffle!\n\nKEN\nRight, we're both big Mickey Mantle\nfans, and we love the name.\n\nIt's very unusual.\n\nGEORGE\n(shouting) What happened to Soda?! I\nthought we all agreed on\n\nSoda.\n\nKEN\n(emphatic) Well, we don't care for Soda.\n\nGEORGE\nYou don't care for Soda?!\n\nCARRIE\n(worked up) No, no. We don't like Soda\nat all!\n\nGEORGE\n(shouting) How d'you not like Soda?!\nIt's bubbly, it's\n\nrefreshing!\n\nCarrie jumps and gives a cry.\n\nCARRIE\nOh!\n\nKEN\nWhat is it?\n\nCARRIE\nI felt something.\n\nKEN\nAre you okay, honey?\n\nCARRIE\nI think I'm going into labour.\n\nGeorge flashes a panicked expression.\n\nKEN\nOh god, oh god. Okay, let's not panic.\nLet's just get to the\n\nhospital...\n\nKen and Carrie rise and head toward the door.\n\nCARRIE\nOkay.\n\nKEN\n...Alright? I got the suitcase packed,\nright here.\n\nKen grabs the suitcase from by the door and they exit, hurriedly.\n\nGeorge trails along behind them, making suggestions.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about Six?\n\nKen gives him a look over his shoulder.\n\nGEORGE\nNine. Thirt... thirteen's no good.\n\nKen has left, George follows out the door.\n\nGEORGE\nFourteen. (shouting after Ken) Fourteen!\n\nGeorge closes the door behind him.\n\n(Restaurant)\n\nJerry and Christie are having dinner. Christie is eating, while\nJerry\n\nleans back picking at his meal, looking suspicious at the fact\nthat Christie is\n\nwearing the same black and white dress as at their two previous\nmeetings.\n\nCHRISTIE\nAre you okay, Jerry? You seem quiet.\n\nJERRY\nNo, I'm just a little uh, worn out.\n\nCHRISTIE\nI know exactly what you mean.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I'm sure you do.\n\nChristie begins to season her food, with salt. Jerry chews\n\nthoughtfully.\n\nJERRY\nWhat in god's name is going on here?\nIs she wearing the\n\nsame thing over and over again? Or does she have a closet full\nof these, like\n\nSuperman? I've got to unlock this mystery.\n\nChristie adds a little pepper to her dish. But after replacing\nthe\n\nshaker, she knocks her glass of red wine over her dress.\n\nCHRISTIE\n(horrified) Oh my god!\n\nJERRY\nOh.\n\nChristie mops at the spill with her napkin, but there's only\nso much\n\nyou can do.\n\nCHRISTIE\nAhh. I can't go to the movies like this.\nDo you mind if we go\n\nback to my apartment, so I can change?\n\nJERRY\nChange? (thoughtful) Yes, I think that's\na super idea.\n\n(Ken and Carrie's Car)\n\nKen is driving Carrie to the hospital. Carrie is as worked up\nas you'd\n\nexpect a woman in labor to be. In the back seat, George is making\none last\n\nattempt to save his name.\n\nCARRIE\nAre we almost there?\n\nKEN\nJust keep breathing, okay.\n\nCARRIE\n(deep breaths) Okay, okay.\n\nKEN\nOkay.\n\nGEORGE\n(to Carrie) You know, the thing is,\nI kinda promised the widow\n\nMantle that I would name my baby Seven.\n\nAs George speaks, Ken is looking impatient and angry.\n\nKEN\nNow's not the best time, George!\n\nGEORGE\n(to Carrie) It's just that, I know her,\nand boy...\n\nKEN\n(firm) George! She's in labour!\n\nGEORGE\n(angry shout) So am I!\n\n(Newman's Apartment)\n\nElaine and Kramer still sit on the couch, awaiting Newman's\n\narbitration.\n\nNEWMAN\nWell, you've both presented very convincing\narguments. On the\n\none hand, Elaine, your promise was given in haste. But was it\nnot still a promise? Hmm?\n\nKramer looks at Elaine, thinking his arguments have put him one\nup.\n\nNEWMAN\nAnd, Kramer, you did provide a service\nin exchange for\n\ncompensation. But, does the fee, once paid, not entitle the buyer\nto some assurance\n\nOf reliability? Hmm? Huh? Ahh. These were not easy questions\nto answer.\n\nNot for any man...\n\nKramer leans forward to receive the result. Elaine looks as attentive\n\nas she can while only being able to look upwards.\n\nNEWMAN\n...But I have made a decision. (revelatory)\nWe will cut the\n\nbike down the middle, and give half to each of you.\n\nELAINE\n(shout) What?! This is your solution?!\nTo ruin the bike?!\n\nNewman's face drops at her negative reaction. Kramer looks across\nat\n\nthe bike, looking worried.\n\nELAINE\nAlright, fine. Fine. Go ahead. (standing)\nCut the stupid thing\n\nin half.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather\nit belonged to another\n\nthan see it destroyed. Newman, give it to her, I beg you.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, yeah, y-yeah.\n\nNEWMAN\nNot so fast, Elaine! Only the bike's\ntrue owner would rather\n\ngive it away than see it come to harm. Kramer, the bike is yours!\n\nELAINE\nWhat?!\n\nKRAMER\nSweet justice. Newman, you are wise.\n\nKramer picks up the bike and climbs aboard.\n\nELAINE\n(frustration) But this isn't fair! Lookit,\nmy neck is still\n\nhurting me,\n\nand now you have the bike?!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, tell it to the judge, honey. I'm\ngoing for a ride.\n\nKramer opens the door and rides clumsily out, ringing the bell\nas he\n\ngoes.\n\n(Christie's Apartment)\n\nChristie leads Jerry into her home.\n\nCHRISTIE\nHere we are.\n\nJERRY\n(looking around) Ah, so this is the\nFortress of Solitude.\n\nChristie puts down her bag, and removes her coat.\n\nCHRISTIE\nWell, I guess I'll go change.\n\nJERRY\nYes, change. By all means, change.\n\nChristie walks away down a hallway. Jerry removes his coat and\nsits\n\ndown. He looks around himself. On the coffee table he notices\na small framed\n\npicture of Christie and some guy. In the picture, she's wearing\nthe same black and\n\nWhite dress. Jerry picks it up and examines it more closely,\nreading a date\n\nwritten on the photo.\n\nJERRY\nAugust seventeen, nineteen-ninety-two.\nThe same dress!\n\nShe never\n\nchanges! Oh my god. (looking around) She's gotta have hundreds\nof these\n\ndresses.\n\nJerry gets up from his seat.\n\nJERRY\nThere must be a secret stash around\nhere somewhere.\n\nJerry opens a closet and begins to look inside. While he's rooting\n\nabout in there, Christie reenters the room, wearing a robe and\nlooking indignant\n\nat discovering Jerry invading her privacy.\n\nCHRISTIE\nAhem! Are you looking for something?\n\nJERRY\nWhat're you doing? I thought you were\nchanging.\n\nCHRISTIE\nNo, I, I'm thinking we should just call\nit a night.\n\nJERRY\nNo, no. C'mon, put something else on.\nIt's early, let's go out.\n\nCHRISTIE\nIf it's all the same to you, I think\nI'm just gonna go to\n\nbed.\n\nJerry moves to the couch, where he half lays down.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, I'm kinda tired myself. Maybe\nI'll just sleep here on\n\nThe couch. Then in the morning, you'll get dressed, we'll walk\nout\n\ntogether. Both dressed, different clothes. Well, I'll be in the\nsame clothes. You'll\n\nof course be in different clothes, because it's your apartment.\nBut we'll go\n\ndownstairs, me in my same clothes, you in your different clothes.\n\nCHRISTIE\n(unequivocal) Jerry. I don't think so.\n\nJerry picks up his coat and moves toward the door.\n\nJERRY\nYou wanna throw something on and walk\nme to a cab?\n\nCHRISTIE\n(gesturing) Get out.\n\nJerry walks though the door. He's still talking as Christie closes\nit\n\non him.\n\nJERRY\n(pleading) Tell me what you're wearing\ntomorrow. I'll help you\n\nlay it out on the bed.\n\n(Hospital)\n\nCarrie is in a wheelchair, being wheeled by an orderly. She's\ndoing her\n\nbreathing. Ken hurries alongside, comforting his wife. George\nalso\n\nhustles along the corridor with the group.\n\nKEN\nOkay, breathe, honey. Breathe.\n\nGEORGE\n(to Carrie) You know, you're really\nbeing very selfish. It\n\nwould be nice if you would think of someone other than yourself\nevery now and then!\n\nCARRIE\n(shouts) I'm having a baby!!\n\nThe orderly pushes the wheelchair on through the door of the\ndelivery\n\nroom. Ken turns to face George.\n\nKEN\nGeorge, you're not getting Seven! Now\nget outta here!!\n\nKen strides into the delivery room.\n\nGEORGE\n(desperate) Please! I have so little!\n\nGeorge tries to follow, but an orderly blocks his path.\n\nORDERLY\nSorry sir, it's family only.\n\nThe orderly closes the door on George, whose face can be seen\nthrough\n\nThe window.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm family. I'm having sex with the\ncousin!\n\nGeorge thumps his fists against the door in frustration. He's\ncrying as\n\nHe screams.\n\nGEORGE\nSeven!!\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry is on the phone, while Kramer examines a box of cereal\nin the\n\nkitchen.\n\nJERRY\nHello, Christie? I was wondering if\nwe could get together again?\n\n(listens) Oh really? Well you can't break up with me over the\nphone.\n\nC'mon, you gotta do this in person. It doesn't even have to be\none on one, you can\n\nbring a group of friends. I just wanna see you. Wait, don't hang\nup on me.\n\n(hurriedly) Why d'you wear the same dress all the time? Hello.\n\nDefeated, Jerry hangs up the phone.\n\nKRAMER\n(indicating the cereal) Hey, Jerry,\nif you're gonna be snacking\n\nOn these, you can't expect me to pay for the whole box.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, hobo Joe. I didn't wanna put\na damper on your little\n\nSmorgasbord here, but it's the end of the week, so I added up\nyour tab.\n\nJerry tears a sheet off a writing pad, and presents it to Kramer.\n\nKramer takes a look.\n\nKRAMER\n(does a double take) Yikes.\n\nJERRY\nI know. Pretty steep.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I don't have this kind of cash.\n\nJERRY\nFew do.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm good for it.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, well, until this bill is paid...\n\nJerry takes back the tab, then takes the cereal out of Kramer's\nhands.\n\nJERRY\n...the food court is closed.\n\nKRAMER\n(opening the door) Alright. I'll get\nthat money for you in five\n\nminutes. And, don't eat any more.\n\nKramer leaves at a run.\n\n(Street)\n\nElaine is walking along, when she spots something ahead of her.\n\nELAINE\nHey, that's my bike!\n\nAlong the sidewalk comes a happy-looking Newman, pedalling the\nSchwinn\n\nfor all he's worth. He rings the bell.\n\nNEWMAN\nGangway!\n\nELAINE\nThis is my bike!\n\nNewman brakes to a halt in front of Elaine.\n\nNEWMAN\nOh no. No no no no. I bought it from\nKramer. He was hard up for\n\ncash. Fifty bucks! (he laughs) Can you believe it? Of course,\nI had to make\n\nsome minor modifications, you know. Solid tyres, reinforced seatpost,\nheavy duty\n\nshocks. But, baby, this is one sweet ride.\n\nNewman begins to ride away.\n\nELAINE\n(chasing Newman) No, you better gimme\nback that bike. Newman,\n\ngimme...\n\nElaine grabs hold of the trailing end of Newman's scarf.\n\nNEWMAN\nHey!! Help me!\n\nThe show ends with a freeze frame of Newman on the bike, and\na\n\ndetermined Elaine grasping the scarf. There are sounds of a struggle.\n\n(End),\n\n7.13 \"The Seven\"\n\nEPISODE NUMBER\n123\n\nORIGINAL AIR DATE\nFebruary 01, 1996\n\nWRITTEN BY\nAlec Berg & Jeff Schaffer\n\nDIRECTED BY\nAndy Ackerman\n\nGUEST CAST\n\nKen Hudson Campbell (Ken)\n\nShannon Holt (Carrie)\n\nLisa Deanne (Christie)\n\nCharles Emmett (Orderly)\n\nDavid Richards (Maitre d')\n\nMatthew McCurley (Kid)\n\nJosh Abramson (Man #1)\n\nSteve Artiaga (Man #2)\n\nCheryl Hunter (Woman)\n\n(Nightclub)\n\nJerry's standup piece.\n\nJERRY\nI love it when people are complimented\non something they're\n\nwearing and they accept the compliment as if it was about them.\n\"Nice tie.\" \"Well,\n\nthank you. Thank you very much.\" The compliment is for the tie,\nit's not for\n\nyou, but we take it. That's kind of the job of clothes; to get\ncompliments for\n\nus, because it's very hard to get compliments based on your human\n\nqualities. Right? Let's face it, no matter how nice a person\nyou are, nobody's gonna come\n\nSay \"Hey, nice person.\" It's much easier to be a bastard and\njust try and\n\nmatch the colours up.\n\n(Antique Toy Store)\n\nElaine and Jerry enter a store stocked with the toys of yesteryear.\n\nThey look around at the array of classic teddy bears, toy boats,\npuppets, etc.\n\nELAINE\n(awed) Oh, look at this!\n\nJERRY\nBoy, I miss the days they made toys\nthat could kill a kid.\n\nSomething on the wall catches Elaine's eye. It's an old-fashioned\n\ngirl's bicycle, with high handlebars, a pink frame and a basket\non the front.\n\nELAINE\n(excited) Oh, cool! Look at that!\n\nJerry looks over, but his eye is drawn more towards an attractive\n\nwoman, Christie, who stands looking at the toys. She's wearing\na dress of\n\nmid-thigh length, black from the bottom of the ribs down, and\nwhite on the chest\n\nand arms.\n\nJERRY\n(admiring Christie) Yeah, I'm right\nthere with ya.\n\nELAINE\n(excited) That is a Schwinn Stingray!\nAnd it's the girl's\n\nmodel! Oh, I always wanted one of these when I was little.\n\nChristie leaves her examination of the toys on that side of the\nstore,\n\nand walks over to some other items. Jerry watches her as she\ngoes, she notices\n\nand smiles and flirtatious looks are exchanged. Jerry is oblivious\nto Elaine's\n\nvoice.\n\nELAINE\nWhat d'you think Jerry? Jerry?\n\nJERRY\n(tearing himself away from Christie)\nHuh?\n\nELAINE\nWhat d'you think?\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah, be great for your paper route.\n\nELAINE\n(laughs) I love it. I'm getting it.\n\nElaine reaches for the bike, as Jerry turns back to Christie.\n\nELAINE\nCan you help me get it down, Jer? Jerry.\n\nCHRISTIE\nI think your friend needs some help\nover there.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, the only way to really help\nher is to just let her be.\n\nElaine gives up on Jerry assisting her and tries to lift the\nbike off\n\nthe wall on her own. But as she raises it, the weight proves\ntoo much and she\n\nfalls backwards, ending up on her back on the floor with the\nbike pinning her\n\ndown. She struggles to lift it, but can't make much impression,\nso she rings\n\nthe bell on the bike. Jerry finally has his attention drawn away\nfrom Christie.\n\nELAINE\nHey!\n\nElaine makes 'So, are you gonna help me?' gestures.\n\n(Restaurant)\n\nGeorge and Susan are having dinner with Ken and Carrie. Carrie\nis\n\nHeavily pregnant. George is eating spaghetti with his usual decorum.\n\nSUSAN\nA little baby girl?\n\nKEN\nDoctor says it could be any day now.\n\nGEORGE\n(through mouthful of food) So, Carrie,\nyou and Susan are\n\ncousins. So your baby daughter is gonna be Susan's second cousin,\nright? So what\n\ndoes that make me?\n\nCARRIE\nDoesn't make you anything.\n\nGEORGE\n(jokingly) Well, so, legally, I could\nmarry your daughter.\n\nGeorge laughs and shovels another load of pasta into his mouth.\nKen and\n\nCarrie look perturbed.\n\nSUSAN\nSo, have you picked out a name yet?\n\nCARRIE\nWell, we've narrowed it down to a few.\nWe like Kimberley.\n\nSUSAN\nAww.\n\nGEORGE\n(negative) Hu-ho, boy.\n\nKEN\nYou don't like Kimberley?\n\nGEORGE\nEch. What else you got?\n\nKEN\nHow about Joan?\n\nGEORGE\nAw c'mon, I'm eating here.\n\nSUSAN\n(warning) George!\n\nCARRIE\nPamela?\n\nGEORGE\nPamela?! Awright, I tell you what. You\nlook like nice people,\n\nI'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda.\n\nKEN\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nSoda. S-O-D-A. Soda.\n\nCARRIE\nI don't know, it sounds a little strange.\n\nGEORGE\nAll names sound strange the first time\nyou hear 'em. What, you\n\nTelling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they\nheard it?\n\nKEN\nYeah, but uh... Soda?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, that's right. It's working.\n\nCARRIE\nWe'll put it on the list.\n\nGEORGE\nI solve problems. That's just what I\ndo.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry sits in front of the TV, while in the kitchen Kramer is\nbuilding\n\nA sandwich of epic proportions. He hums to himself as he piles\nsliced\n\nmeat onto bread. Jerry looks over at him, looking somewhat irritated\nby the way\n\nKramer's demolishing his food stocks.\n\nKRAMER\n(sniffing a slice of meat) Yeah, oh\nboy. Mmm, that's good.\n\nJERRY\nYou're really going to town with that\nturkey there.\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah, I got a big appetite.\n\nKramer goes to the fridge and looks inside.\n\nKRAMER\nUhh, Jerry, you got no mustard, huh.\n\nJERRY\nIt's on the door.\n\nKRAMER\n(examining a yellow squeeze bottle)\nWhat, this yellow stuff?\n\nNo, I said mustard, Jerry. Dijon.\n\nKramer waves away the squeezy option and shuts the fridge.\n\nKRAMER\nAh, 's no good.\n\nKramer goes back to his sandwich, puts the second slice of bread\non,\n\nand takes a bite. It doesn't meet with his approval. He spits\nout the mouthful he's\n\ntaken onto the plate, and dumps the rest of the sandwich next\nto it.\n\nKRAMER\nNo. That's bush league.\n\nKramer heads toward the door.\n\nJERRY\nHey, hey. Wha... wait... what, you're\ngonna leave it there?\n\nThat's like half a pound of turkey!\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, I can't eat that. You can't\neat a sandwich without\n\nDijon.\n\nJERRY\n(sarcasm) Yeah, you're right. I really\nshould keep more of your\n\nfavourites on hand.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, hey, hey. I'm getting a vibe here.\nWhat, are you unhappy\n\nwith our arrangement?\n\nJERRY\nWhat arrangement?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I was under the impression that\nI could take anything I\n\nWanted from your fridge, and you could take whatever you want\nfrom mine.\n\nJERRY\n(sarcasm) Yeah, well, lemme know when\nyou get something in there\n\nand I will.\n\nElaine enters. She has her head leaning over to the left, and\nshe's\n\nMoving carefully, like it's giving her pain.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, hey.\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey. What's with your neck?\n\nELAINE\nStill killing me from having to get\nthat bike off the wall.\n\n(pointedly) By myself.\n\nJERRY\nWell, if it's any consolation, I did\nget her number.\n\nELAINE\n(sitting) Ah, I think I really strained\nit. Ow.\n\nJERRY\nAw, I doubt you strained it. Maybe you\npulled it.\n\nELAINE\nAch, maybe.\n\nJERRY\nDid you twist it? You coulda twisted\nit.\n\nELAINE\nI don't know.\n\nJERRY\nDid you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe\nyou squeezed it. Turned\n\nit...\n\nELAINE\n(patience exhausted) You know what,\nwhy don't you just shut the\n\nhell up?\n\nJERRY\nAwright.\n\nELAINE\nGod. Man, this is killing me. Right\nnow, I would give that bike\n\nto the first person who could make this pain go away.\n\nKRAMER\nAw, you really hurting, huh?\n\nELAINE\nOh, Kramer, it's just awful.\n\nKRAMER\nUh hmm. Well, your arterioles have constricted.\n\nKramer walks around behind the seated Elaine, and reaches for\nher neck.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, lean forward, relax.\n\nELAINE\n(worried) What? What?\n\nKRAMER\nEncounter shiatsu.\n\nKramer begins to work at Elaine's neck with his thumbs.\n\nELAINE\nWait a minute. Kramer, you know what\nyou're doing here?\n\nKRAMER\n(continuing to work) Ohh yeah. A wise\nman once taught me the\n\nHealing power of the body's natural pressure points.\n\nELAINE\nAh hah.\n\nKRAMER\n(to Jerry) He sells tee-shirts outside\nthe World Trade Centre.\n\nELAINE\n(seriously worried) Wha...?\n\nKRAMER\nHe's a genius. Here we go...\n\nKramer takes a firm grip of each side of Elaine's head. Elaine\nlooks\n\nReally worried now. She grabs a hold of Jerry's shirt and the\narm of the\n\ncouch, and her feet stamp on the floor.\n\nKRAMER\nFrom pain, will come pleasure.\n\nKramer violently twists Elaine's head to the left. There's a\nloud\n\nCrunching sound, and Elaine cries out in shock. Kramer lets go\nof her head and\n\nsteps away, job done.\n\nKRAMER\nUh? Voila.\n\nELAINE\n(pleasantly surprised) Oh my god!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nElaine rolls her head around, completely comfortable.\n\nELAINE\nWow! That is unbelievable. The pain\nis totally gone!\n\nJERRY\nWhat's even more amazing is his formal\ntraining is in\n\npaediatrics.\n\nKRAMER\nAwright, my work is done here.\n\nKramer heads for the door.\n\nELAINE\n(big smile) Oh man! Kramer, thank you!\n\nKRAMER\n(closing the door) Yeah, you can send\nthat bike over any time.\n\nELAINE\n(after Kramer) What? (to Jerry) What,\nwhat is he talking about?\n\nJERRY\nI dunno. (realising) Oh, 'cos you said\nyou'd give the bike to\n\nanyone who fixes your neck.\n\nELAINE\nYou really think he wants the bike?\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah.\n\nELAINE\nIt took him like ten seconds!\n\nJERRY\nWell, that's the most he's worked in\nthe last four months.\n\n(George's Car)\n\nGeorge and Susan, heading home from the restaurant. George is\nhappy,\n\nsmiling and whistling.\n\nGEORGE\nI think they really went for that Soda.\n\nSUSAN\nWhat, are you crazy? They hated it.\nThey were just humouring\n\nyou.\n\nGEORGE\nAh, alright. Believe me, that kid's\ngonna be called Soda.\n\nSUSAN\nI can tell you, I would never name my\nchild Soda.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, no no no. Course not. I got a great\nname for our kids. A\n\nReal original. You wanna hear what it is? Huh, you ready?\n\nSUSAN\nYeah.\n\nGeorge uses his finger to draw a number 7 in the air, accompanying\nthe\n\nStrokes of his digit with a two-tone whistle.\n\nSUSAN\nWhat is that? Sign language?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, Seven.\n\nSUSAN\nSeven Costanza? You're serious?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy\nor a girl...\n\nSusan scoffs.\n\nGEORGE\n...especially a girl. Or a boy.\n\nSUSAN\nI don't think so.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, you don't like the name?\n\nSUSAN\nIt's not a name. It's a number.\n\nGEORGE\nI know. It's Mickey Mantle's number.\nSo not only is it an all\n\nAround beautiful name, it is also a living tribute.\n\nSUSAN\nIt's awful. I hate it!\n\nGEORGE\n(angry) Well, that's the name!\n\nSUSAN\n(also angry) Oh no it is not! No child\nof mine is ever going to\n\nbe named Seven!\n\nGEORGE\n(yelling) Awright, let's just stay calm\nhere! Don't get all\n\ncrazy on me!\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry walks from the bathroom, talking to George, who's just\ntold him\n\nabout his contretemps with Susan.\n\nJERRY\nSeven? Yeah, I guess I could see it.\nSeven. Seven periods of\n\nschool, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating,\nand eventually\n\nseven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service.\n\nGEORGE\n(adamant) Yes I am. I defy you to come\nup with a better name\n\nthan Seven.\n\nJerry walks toward the kitchen. He sees an item on the counter.\n\nJERRY\nAwright, let's see. How about Mug? (picks\nup the mug) Mug\n\nCostanza, that's original. (he turns and sees another item) Or\nuh, Ketchup?\n\nPretty name for a girl.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, you having a good time there?\n\nJerry is in the kitchen, and opens a cupboard. His eyes run over\nthe\n\narray of good within.\n\nJERRY\nI got fifty right here in the cupboard.\nHow about Bisquik?\n\nPimento. Gherkin. Sauce. Maxwell House.\n\nGEORGE\n(shouts) Awright already!! This is a\nvery key issue with me,\n\nJerry. I had this name for a long time.\n\nJerry comes back into the living room. A thought occurs.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I forgot to call Christie.\n\nGEORGE\nChristie? That's the one you met in\nthe antique store?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, she had this great black and white\ndress, with a scoop\n\nneck. She looked like some kinda superhero.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd you met her in an antique store!\nI don't know how you do\n\nit!\n\nJERRY\n(smug) I'm not engaged.\n\nGeorge gives Jerry a look. Kramer enters. He's carrying a small\n\ngoldfish bowl, a pad and a pencil tied to the bowl by string.\n\nKRAMER\nAh, I got it.\n\nJERRY\nGot what?\n\nKRAMER\n(putting the items on the counter) Got\nthe answer, Jerry.\n\nRefrigerator problem, is solved.\n\nJERRY\nOh, it's no problem. You can take whatever\nyou want.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I will. But now, I'm accountable.\nAlright, I take what I\n\nwant.\n\nKramer takes a cupcake from a box on the counter.\n\nKRAMER\nHere. I write it down. (he writes) \"One\ncupcake.\" And then I\n\nput it in the bowl. (he tears off the sheet, crumples it and\ndrops it into the\n\nbowl) There. Very simple.\n\nJERRY\nSort of a mooching inventory.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no. Not mooching. 'Cos at the end\nof the week, you add 'em\n\nall up, and you give me the bill.\n\nJERRY\nAlright.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, now look I gotta run some errands,\nso look. When\n\nElaine comes by with that bike, you hang onto it for me, alright?\n\nGeorge passes by as he goes to the fridge.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, I don't know if you're getting\nthat bike.\n\nKRAMER\nYes I am. We had a verbal contract.\nIf we can't take each other\n\nat our word, all is lost.\n\nGeorge has fetched a Diet Coke from the fridge. He opens it.\nKramer\n\nhears the hiss, and notices George.\n\nKRAMER\n(waving at the bowl) Oh yeah, yeah.\nPut that on my tab.\n\n(Restaurant)\n\nJerry and Christie have just arrived. They're both wearing long\ncoats,\n\nFastened to the collar.\n\nJERRY\nWell this is it. The food is atrocious,\nbut the busboys are the\n\nbest in the city.\n\nA member of staff approaches.\n\nMAITRE D'\nMay I take your coat, miss?\n\nCHRISTIE\nYes, thank you.\n\nThe Maitre d' helps Christie to slip out of her coat, revealing\nthat\n\nshe has on the exact same dress as she was wearing in the antique\nstore. Jerry\n\nlooks bemused, but plasters on a fixed smile as Christie looks\nat him.\n\n(Monks')\n\nJerry and George sit in a booth, discussing the previous night.\nGeorge\n\nFingers his chin thoughtfully.\n\nGEORGE\nThe same outfit?\n\nJERRY\nThe exact same outfit.\n\nGEORGE\nHow many days was it between encounters.\n\nJERRY\nThree.\n\nGEORGE\nThree days. Well, maybe you caught her\non the cusp of a new\n\nwash cycle. You know, she did laundry the day after she met you,\neverything got\n\nclean and she started all over again.\n\nJERRY\nPossibly, but then shouldn't the outfit\nonly reappear again at\n\nthe end of the cycle?\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe she moved it up in the rotation.\n\nJERRY\nWhy? It's our first date, she's already\nin reruns?\n\nGEORGE\nVery curious.\n\nJERRY\nIndeed.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, Einstein wore the exact same\noutfit every day.\n\nJERRY\nWell, if she splits the atom, I'll let\nit slide.\n\nGEORGE\n(picking up his coat) Awright, I'm heading\nhome.\n\nJERRY\nHey, did Susan change her mind about\nthe name?\n\nGEORGE\n(standing) Not yet, but she's weakening.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, George, just because your\nlife is destroyed, don't\n\nDestroy someone else's.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's Mickey Mantle, Jerry. My idol.\n\nJERRY\nHow about 'Mickey'?\n\nGEORGE\n'Mickey'? (incredulous) 'Mickey'!\n\nGeorge walks away, half-laughing at Jerry's ludicrous suggestion.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry is in the fridge. Kramer enters with a slide of the feet,\nand a\n\ncigar in his mouth.\n\nKRAMER\nHey buddy.\n\nJERRY\n(holding up a can) Hey, is this your\nhalf a can of soda in the\n\nfridge?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, that's yours. My half is gone.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I put my half a can here on the\ntab. Why, what's your\n\nbeef?\n\nJERRY\nYou cannot buy half a can of soda.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, why not.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I don't wanna get into the whole\nphysics of carbonation\n\nwith you here, but you know the sound a can makes when you open\nit?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nThat is the sound of you buying a whole\ncan. And the same goes\n\nfor this, okay...\n\nJerry holds up an apple, from which has been taken one large\nbite.\n\nJERRY\n...When you pierce the skin of a piece\nof fruit, you've bought\n\nthe whole fruit. Not a third of an apple, not a half of a banana...\n\nJerry hold up a half banana.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright.\n\nJERRY\n...You bite it, you bought it.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, alright. I'll make the necessary\nadjustments, alright.\n\nJERRY\nThank you.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nElaine enters.\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nOh. (pointedly) So, how's the neck?\nNice and loose?\n\nELAINE\nLookit, Kramer, you are not getting\nthis bike. I don't even\n\nknow why you ant it. (laughingly) I mean, it's a girl's bike.\n\nKRAMER\n(deadly serious) It's a verbal contract.\nWe had a deal.\n\nELAINE\nNo we didn't. You take these things\ntoo literally. It's like\n\nsaying,\n\nyou're hungry enough to eat a horse.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, my friend Jay Reimenschneider\neats horse all the time. He\n\ngets it from his butcher.\n\nELAINE\nThis is not the point. (emphatic) The\npoint is, you just can't\n\nhave the bike.\n\nKRAMER\nBoy, I am really surprised at you. (opening\nthe door) You are\n\nthe last person I figured would do something like this. I mean,\nGeorge, yeah, I\n\ncan see that. Even Jerry. But not you, Elaine...\n\nKramer holds one hand up above his head.\n\nKRAMER\nI always put you up here...\n\nKramer holds his other hand at about knee height.\n\nKRAMER\n...They're over here. Now you're...\naww-whawww.\n\nKramer brings his first hand down to the level of the second.\nHe\n\nleaves, closing the door with a bang. Elaine sits, fighting with\nher conscience. There\n\nis a brief pause, then the door opens again and Kramer pokes\nin his head,\n\nexpectantly.\n\nELAINE\n(grudging) Alright.\n\nKRAMER\n(points) Digidi.\n\nKramer leaves and closes the door again.\n\n(Restaurant)\n\nGeorge and Susan are having dinner.\n\nGEORGE\nAw c'mon. It's a fantastic name. It's\na real original, nobody\n\nelse is gonna have it and I absolutely love it.\n\nSUSAN\nWell, I dunno how original it's gonna\nbe any more.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy not?\n\nSUSAN\nWell I was telling Carrie about our\nargument, and when I told\n\nthem the name, they just loved it.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, what're you saying?\n\nSUSAN\nThey're gonna name their baby Seven.\n\nGEORGE\n(disbelief) What?! They're stealing\nthe name?! That's my name,\n\nI made it up!\n\nSUSAN\nI can't believe that they're using it.\n\nGEORGE\n(anger) Well now it's not gonna be original!\nIt's gonna lose\n\nall its cachet!\n\nSUSAN\nI dunno how much cachet it had to begin\nwith.\n\nGEORGE\n(rage) Oh, it's got cachet, baby! It's\ngot cachet up the\n\nyin-yang!\n\n(Elaine's Apartment)\n\nElaine is in bed. She begins to move to get up. As she raises\nherself\n\nfrom the mattress, there is a loud crunching sound. A look of\nagony crosses her\n\nface.\n\nELAINE\n(in pain) Oh god! Oh, god. (bitter)\nKramer!\n\n(Street)\n\nElaine walks along the street. Her neck problem means she has\nher head\n\nTipped back so far she can't see directly in front of her. A\nguy coming the\n\nother way gives her a warning.\n\nMAN\nWatch your step.\n\nElaine collides with a litter bin which is outside her field\nof vision.\n\nELAINE\n(pain) Oh, ah. (bitter) Stupid Kramer.\n\nChristie is looking in a shop window, then she spots Elaine.\n\nCHRISTIE\nExcuse me. Elaine?\n\nElaine, handicapped by her neck, cannot see who's speaking.\n\nELAINE\nHuh?\n\nChristie comes over to Elaine. All Elaine can see of her is her\nhead\n\nand neck.\n\nCHRISTIE\nOver here. I thought that was you. You're\nJerry's friend,\n\nright?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, yeah. Uh, Christie?\n\nCHRISTIE\nYes. How y'doing?\n\nELAINE\n(bearing up) I'm fine.\n\nCHRISTIE\nWell, I gotta run. It was good to see\nyou.\n\nChristie walks away.\n\nELAINE\n(after Christie) Okay, oh, it was good\nto, good to see you.\n\nKramer comes along the street, riding the Schwinn Stingray and\nringing\n\nthe bell. He attracts comments from folk on the street.\n\nVOICE 1\nLookin' good.\n\nVOICE 2\nHey Cosmo, nice wheels.\n\nKRAMER\nYou got that right!\n\nA kid leans out the window of a parked Volvo.\n\nKID\n(scorn) Hey, you're riding a girl's\nbike.\n\nKramer thumbs his nose and continues pedalling.\n\nELAINE\n(shouting) Kramer! Kramer!\n\n(Outside Apartment Building)\n\nGeorge walks up to the door. He pushes the buzzer for a particular\n\napartment.\n\nKEN\nHello.\n\nGEORGE\nHello, Ken. It's George Costanza. I\nthink we need to talk.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry hears a loud knocking from the hallway.\n\nELAINE\n(angry shout) Kramer!\n\nJerry opens the door to reveal Elaine hammering insistently at\nKramer's\n\ndoor.\n\nELAINE\nKramer!!\n\nJERRY\nHey\n\nElaine turns to Jerry and gets a twinge from her neck.\n\nELAINE\nOw! God! Is Kramer back from his little\njoyride yet?\n\nElaine enters Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nHaven't seen him. How's the neck?\n\nELAINE\nHis chiropractic job was a crock. It's\neven worse than it was\n\nbefore.\n\nElaine removes her bag from her back, wincing from the pain as\nshe\n\nmoves.\n\nJERRY\nBoy, I'm surprised. (sarcasm) I would\nthink Kramer would have a\n\nknack for moving pieces of a person's spine around.\n\nELAINE\nHey, you know what, I think I ran into\nthat girl from the\n\nantique store. What's her name, Christie?\n\nJERRY\nYou saw her? What was she wearing?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know. I couldn't see. I couldn't\nlook down because of\n\nmy neck.\n\nJERRY\nDidn't you get a glimpse? An impression?\n\nELAINE\nWhat d'you care?\n\nJERRY\nBoth times I've seen her she's worn\nthe same dress.\n\nThere's a ringing from the Schwinn's bell, and Kramer rides it\ninto\n\nJerry's apartment. He rides all around the apartment, round the\ncouch, past the\n\nTV and is heading for the door.\n\nELAINE\nDid you have a nice ride?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, great ride.\n\nELAINE\nOh, that's good. 'Cos it was your last!\n\nElaine slams the door shut before Kramer can leave. Kramer rides\n\nstraight into the door with a clatter. He falls to the ground,\nthen makes his\n\nstumbling way upright again.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat're you talking about?! We had a\ndeal!\n\nELAINE\n(anger) You better give me back that\nbike! (indicating neck)\n\nLook at this! Look! Ow. I couldn't even crawl out of bed this\nmorning.\n\nKRAMER\nBed? You should be sleeping on a wooden\nboard for at least a\n\nweek.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? You never told me that.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, it's common sense.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, what is he talking about? He's\nbeing ridiculous.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, look. Jerry, you know the whole\nstory, you should\n\nsettle this.\n\nELAINE\nYeah Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I'm flattered that you would both\nappeal to my wisdom, but\n\nunfortunately, my friendship to each of you precludes my getting\n\ninvolved. What you need is an impartial mediator.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I'd go for that. Would you go\nfor that?\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, I'm down.\n\nJERRY\nCourse, it would have to be someone\nwho hasn't heard the story\n\nbefore. Someone who is unencumbered by any emotional attachment.\nSomeone whose\n\nheart is so dark, it cannot be swayed by pity, compassion, or\nhuman emotion of\n\nany kind.\n\n(Newman's Apartment)\n\nElaine and Kramer sit on Newman's couch. Elaine with her head\ntilted\n\nback. Newman sits in his chair, his fingertips together, trying\nto give an\n\nImpression of limitless wisdom.\n\nELAINE\nSo, that's the situation.\n\nNEWMAN\nMmm. You present an interesting dilemma.\nEach of you seemingly\n\nhas a legitimate claim to the bicycle, and yet the bicycle can\nhave only one\n\nrightful owner. Quite the conundrum. As a federal employee, I\nbelieve the law is\n\nall we have. (getting worked up) It's all that separates us from\nthe savages\n\nwho don't deserve even the privilege of the daily mail. (angry)\nStuffing parcels\n\ninto mailboxes where they don't belong!!...\n\nKRAMER\nNewman!\n\nNewman catches himself, and comes back to normality.\n\nNEWMAN\n...But, you must promise That you will\nabide by my decision, no\n\nMatter how unjust it may seem to either of you. Do I have your\nword?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, yeah.\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nNEWMAN\nAlright, let's begin.\n\nNewman sits back, to begin his contemplation. There is the single\n\n'ting' of a microwave.\n\nNEWMAN\n(excited) Ooh, my cocoa!\n\nNewman leaps to his feet and heads for his kitchen.\n\n(Ken and Carrie's Apartment)\n\nCarrie is on the couch, with Ken sitting on the arm. George is\n\nexplaining about Seven.\n\nKEN\nWhy can't we use Seven?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's my name. I made it up. You can't\njust steal it.\n\nCARRIE\nWell, it's not as if Susan's pregnant.\nYou've already postponed\n\nThe wedding. Who knows if you'll ever get married.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, hey hey. Don't worry about me.\nI'm not a waffler. I don't\n\nwaffle!\n\nKEN\nRight, we're both big Mickey Mantle\nfans, and we love the name.\n\nIt's very unusual.\n\nGEORGE\n(shouting) What happened to Soda?! I\nthought we all agreed on\n\nSoda.\n\nKEN\n(emphatic) Well, we don't care for Soda.\n\nGEORGE\nYou don't care for Soda?!\n\nCARRIE\n(worked up) No, no. We don't like Soda\nat all!\n\nGEORGE\n(shouting) How d'you not like Soda?!\nIt's bubbly, it's\n\nrefreshing!\n\nCarrie jumps and gives a cry.\n\nCARRIE\nOh!\n\nKEN\nWhat is it?\n\nCARRIE\nI felt something.\n\nKEN\nAre you okay, honey?\n\nCARRIE\nI think I'm going into labour.\n\nGeorge flashes a panicked expression.\n\nKEN\nOh god, oh god. Okay, let's not panic.\nLet's just get to the\n\nhospital...\n\nKen and Carrie rise and head toward the door.\n\nCARRIE\nOkay.\n\nKEN\n...Alright? I got the suitcase packed,\nright here.\n\nKen grabs the suitcase from by the door and they exit, hurriedly.\n\nGeorge trails along behind them, making suggestions.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about Six?\n\nKen gives him a look over his shoulder.\n\nGEORGE\nNine. Thirt... thirteen's no good.\n\nKen has left, George follows out the door.\n\nGEORGE\nFourteen. (shouting after Ken) Fourteen!\n\nGeorge closes the door behind him.\n\n(Restaurant)\n\nJerry and Christie are having dinner. Christie is eating, while\nJerry\n\nleans back picking at his meal, looking suspicious at the fact\nthat Christie is\n\nwearing the same black and white dress as at their two previous\nmeetings.\n\nCHRISTIE\nAre you okay, Jerry? You seem quiet.\n\nJERRY\nNo, I'm just a little uh, worn out.\n\nCHRISTIE\nI know exactly what you mean.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I'm sure you do.\n\nChristie begins to season her food, with salt. Jerry chews\n\nthoughtfully.\n\nJERRY\nWhat in god's name is going on here?\nIs she wearing the\n\nsame thing over and over again? Or does she have a closet full\nof these, like\n\nSuperman? I've got to unlock this mystery.\n\nChristie adds a little pepper to her dish. But after replacing\nthe\n\nshaker, she knocks her glass of red wine over her dress.\n\nCHRISTIE\n(horrified) Oh my god!\n\nJERRY\nOh.\n\nChristie mops at the spill with her napkin, but there's only\nso much\n\nyou can do.\n\nCHRISTIE\nAhh. I can't go to the movies like this.\nDo you mind if we go\n\nback to my apartment, so I can change?\n\nJERRY\nChange? (thoughtful) Yes, I think that's\na super idea.\n\n(Ken and Carrie's Car)\n\nKen is driving Carrie to the hospital. Carrie is as worked up\nas you'd\n\nexpect a woman in labor to be. In the back seat, George is making\none last\n\nattempt to save his name.\n\nCARRIE\nAre we almost there?\n\nKEN\nJust keep breathing, okay.\n\nCARRIE\n(deep breaths) Okay, okay.\n\nKEN\nOkay.\n\nGEORGE\n(to Carrie) You know, the thing is,\nI kinda promised the widow\n\nMantle that I would name my baby Seven.\n\nAs George speaks, Ken is looking impatient and angry.\n\nKEN\nNow's not the best time, George!\n\nGEORGE\n(to Carrie) It's just that, I know her,\nand boy...\n\nKEN\n(firm) George! She's in labour!\n\nGEORGE\n(angry shout) So am I!\n\n(Newman's Apartment)\n\nElaine and Kramer still sit on the couch, awaiting Newman's\n\narbitration.\n\nNEWMAN\nWell, you've both presented very convincing\narguments. On the\n\none hand, Elaine, your promise was given in haste. But was it\nnot still a promise? Hmm?\n\nKramer looks at Elaine, thinking his arguments have put him one\nup.\n\nNEWMAN\nAnd, Kramer, you did provide a service\nin exchange for\n\ncompensation. But, does the fee, once paid, not entitle the buyer\nto some assurance\n\nOf reliability? Hmm? Huh? Ahh. These were not easy questions\nto answer.\n\nNot for any man...\n\nKramer leans forward to receive the result. Elaine looks as attentive\n\nas she can while only being able to look upwards.\n\nNEWMAN\n...But I have made a decision. (revelatory)\nWe will cut the\n\nbike down the middle, and give half to each of you.\n\nELAINE\n(shout) What?! This is your solution?!\nTo ruin the bike?!\n\nNewman's face drops at her negative reaction. Kramer looks across\nat\n\nthe bike, looking worried.\n\nELAINE\nAlright, fine. Fine. Go ahead. (standing)\nCut the stupid thing\n\nin half.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather\nit belonged to another\n\nthan see it destroyed. Newman, give it to her, I beg you.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, yeah, y-yeah.\n\nNEWMAN\nNot so fast, Elaine! Only the bike's\ntrue owner would rather\n\ngive it away than see it come to harm. Kramer, the bike is yours!\n\nELAINE\nWhat?!\n\nKRAMER\nSweet justice. Newman, you are wise.\n\nKramer picks up the bike and climbs aboard.\n\nELAINE\n(frustration) But this isn't fair! Lookit,\nmy neck is still\n\nhurting me,\n\nand now you have the bike?!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, tell it to the judge, honey. I'm\ngoing for a ride.\n\nKramer opens the door and rides clumsily out, ringing the bell\nas he\n\ngoes.\n\n(Christie's Apartment)\n\nChristie leads Jerry into her home.\n\nCHRISTIE\nHere we are.\n\nJERRY\n(looking around) Ah, so this is the\nFortress of Solitude.\n\nChristie puts down her bag, and removes her coat.\n\nCHRISTIE\nWell, I guess I'll go change.\n\nJERRY\nYes, change. By all means, change.\n\nChristie walks away down a hallway. Jerry removes his coat and\nsits\n\ndown. He looks around himself. On the coffee table he notices\na small framed\n\npicture of Christie and some guy. In the picture, she's wearing\nthe same black and\n\nWhite dress. Jerry picks it up and examines it more closely,\nreading a date\n\nwritten on the photo.\n\nJERRY\nAugust seventeen, nineteen-ninety-two.\nThe same dress!\n\nShe never\n\nchanges! Oh my god. (looking around) She's gotta have hundreds\nof these\n\ndresses.\n\nJerry gets up from his seat.\n\nJERRY\nThere must be a secret stash around\nhere somewhere.\n\nJerry opens a closet and begins to look inside. While he's rooting\n\nabout in there, Christie reenters the room, wearing a robe and\nlooking indignant\n\nat discovering Jerry invading her privacy.\n\nCHRISTIE\nAhem! Are you looking for something?\n\nJERRY\nWhat're you doing? I thought you were\nchanging.\n\nCHRISTIE\nNo, I, I'm thinking we should just call\nit a night.\n\nJERRY\nNo, no. C'mon, put something else on.\nIt's early, let's go out.\n\nCHRISTIE\nIf it's all the same to you, I think\nI'm just gonna go to\n\nbed.\n\nJerry moves to the couch, where he half lays down.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, I'm kinda tired myself. Maybe\nI'll just sleep here on\n\nThe couch. Then in the morning, you'll get dressed, we'll walk\nout\n\ntogether. Both dressed, different clothes. Well, I'll be in the\nsame clothes. You'll\n\nof course be in different clothes, because it's your apartment.\nBut we'll go\n\ndownstairs, me in my same clothes, you in your different clothes.\n\nCHRISTIE\n(unequivocal) Jerry. I don't think so.\n\nJerry picks up his coat and moves toward the door.\n\nJERRY\nYou wanna throw something on and walk\nme to a cab?\n\nCHRISTIE\n(gesturing) Get out.\n\nJerry walks though the door. He's still talking as Christie closes\nit\n\non him.\n\nJERRY\n(pleading) Tell me what you're wearing\ntomorrow. I'll help you\n\nlay it out on the bed.\n\n(Hospital)\n\nCarrie is in a wheelchair, being wheeled by an orderly. She's\ndoing her\n\nbreathing. Ken hurries alongside, comforting his wife. George\nalso\n\nhustles along the corridor with the group.\n\nKEN\nOkay, breathe, honey. Breathe.\n\nGEORGE\n(to Carrie) You know, you're really\nbeing very selfish. It\n\nwould be nice if you would think of someone other than yourself\nevery now and then!\n\nCARRIE\n(shouts) I'm having a baby!!\n\nThe orderly pushes the wheelchair on through the door of the\ndelivery\n\nroom. Ken turns to face George.\n\nKEN\nGeorge, you're not getting Seven! Now\nget outta here!!\n\nKen strides into the delivery room.\n\nGEORGE\n(desperate) Please! I have so little!\n\nGeorge tries to follow, but an orderly blocks his path.\n\nORDERLY\nSorry sir, it's family only.\n\nThe orderly closes the door on George, whose face can be seen\nthrough\n\nThe window.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm family. I'm having sex with the\ncousin!\n\nGeorge thumps his fists against the door in frustration. He's\ncrying as\n\nHe screams.\n\nGEORGE\nSeven!!\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry is on the phone, while Kramer examines a box of cereal\nin the\n\nkitchen.\n\nJERRY\nHello, Christie? I was wondering if\nwe could get together again?\n\n(listens) Oh really? Well you can't break up with me over the\nphone.\n\nC'mon, you gotta do this in person. It doesn't even have to be\none on one, you can\n\nbring a group of friends. I just wanna see you. Wait, don't hang\nup on me.\n\n(hurriedly) Why d'you wear the same dress all the time? Hello.\n\nDefeated, Jerry hangs up the phone.\n\nKRAMER\n(indicating the cereal) Hey, Jerry,\nif you're gonna be snacking on these,\nyou can't expect me to pay for the whole\nbox.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, hobo Joe. I didn't wanna put\na damper on your little\n\nSmorgasbord here, but it's the end of the week, so I added up\nyour tab.\n\nJerry tears a sheet off a writing pad, and presents it to Kramer.\n\nKramer takes a look.\n\nKRAMER\n(does a double take) Yikes.\n\nJERRY\nI know. Pretty steep.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I don't have this kind of cash.\n\nJERRY\nFew do.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm good for it.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, well, until this bill is paid...\n\nJerry takes back the tab, then takes the cereal out of Kramer's\nhands.\n\nJERRY\n...the food court is closed.\n\nKRAMER\n(opening the door) Alright. I'll get\nthat money for you in five minutes.\nAnd, don't eat any more.\n\nKramer leaves at a run.\n\n(Street)\n\nElaine is walking along, when she spots something ahead of her.\n\nELAINE\nHey, that's my bike!\n\nAlong the sidewalk comes a happy-looking Newman, pedalling the\nSchwinn\n\nfor all he's worth. He rings the bell.\n\nNEWMAN\nGangway!\n\nELAINE\nThis is my bike!\n\nNewman brakes to a halt in front of Elaine.\n\nNEWMAN\nOh no. No no no no. I bought it from\nKramer. He was hard up for cash. Fifty\nbucks! (he laughs) Can you believe it?\nOf course, I had to make some minor\nmodifications, you know. Solid tires,\nreinforced seatpost, heavy duty shocks.\nBut, baby, this is one sweet ride.\n\nNewman begins to ride away.\n\nELAINE\n(chasing Newman) No, you better gimme\nback that bike. Newman, gimme...\n\nElaine grabs hold of the trailing end of Newman's scarf.\n\nNEWMAN\nHey!! Help me!\n\nThe show ends with a freeze frame of Newman on the bike, and\na determined Elaine grasping the scarf. There are sounds of a\nstruggle.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Cadillac-Part-1.html",
    "text": "THE CADILLAC PART 1\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David & Jerry Seinfeld\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry enters, carrying a couple of bags and his mail. No sooner\nhas he put his bags down than Kramer enters.\n\nKRAMER\nHey! You're back!\n\nJERRY\nOh, I'm back, baby.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, how was it?\n\nJERRY\nGreat. One of the best jobs I ever had.\n\nKRAMER\nGood for you.\n\nJERRY\nI killed.\n\nKRAMER\nYou killed.\n\nJERRY\n(taking off his jacket) Slaughtered.\nWiped the floor with 'em and (hanging\nup jacket) not only that, the money\nwas unbelievable.\n\nKRAMER\nUnbelievable.\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Highest paying job I ever had.\n\nKRAMER\nHow much?\n\nJERRY\n(reluctant) Nah, nah. I'd rather...\n\nKRAMER\nAw, c'mon.\n\nJERRY\nNah. It's not good for friends to talk\nabout money, it can affect the friendship.\n\nKRAMER\nI tell you how much I make.\n\nJERRY\nAnd I'm always impressed.\n\nKRAMER\nJust show me the cheque, c'mon.\n\nJERRY\nAwright, fine. You wanna see it?\n\nKRAMER\nI wanna see it.\n\nJERRY\nOkay.\n\nJerry gets out his wallet, extracts a cheque from within it and\nhands it to Kramer.\n\nJERRY\nHere, check that out.\n\nKramer reads the cheque, and a look of astonishment comes to\nhis face.\n\nKRAMER\n(stunned) Whuf! This is unbelievable.\n\nJERRY\nI told you.\n\nKramer has to sit on the couch, he's so shocked.\n\nKRAMER\nMy god, you're rich.\n\nJERRY\n(taking back the check) Oh yeah.\n\nKRAMER\nI didn't know you made that kinda money.\n(subdued) Jeez.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nI don't think I can talk to you any\nmore. I feel inferior.\n\nJERRY\nI never shoulda told you.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, Jerry, I think this changes\nthe relationship. I mean, I\n\nfeel it. Do you feel it?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I can't feel anything.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, what're you gonna do with all\nthat money?\n\nJERRY\nActually, I was thinking of donating\na large portion of it to\n\ncharity.\n\nKRAMER\n(pleased) Really?\n\nJERRY\n(deadpan) No.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you should, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nNo, to tell you the truth, I was thinking\nof buying my father a new\n\ncar.\n\nKRAMER\nNow, you see, that's nice.\n\nJERRY\nMaybe a Cadillac.\n\nKRAMER\n(smiles) Cadillac. Ooh-la-la.\n\nJERRY\nYeah. (thinking) That would really blow\nhis mind. He's always wanted\n\none, his whole life, he's never been able to afford it. (decisive)\nI'm gonna\n\ndo it.\n\nKRAMER\nYou're gonna score some big points with\nthe man upstairs on this\n\none.\n\nJERRY\nOh, isn't that what it's all about?\n\nKramer and Jerry smile in agreement.\n\n(Monk's)\n\nElaine sits in a booth, across from her friend Katy.\n\nELAINE\nWho was Pippi Longstocking?\n\nKATY\nPippi Longstocking? (thoughtful) Hmm,\nI don't don't know.\n\nELAINE\nDid she have anything to do with Hitler?\n\nKATY\nHitler? (thinks) Maybe.\n\nGeorge enters and walks over to the booth. He's looking impatient.\n\nGEORGE\nHey.\n\nELAINE\nHey George.\n\nGEORGE\nHave you seen Jerry? (sitting beside\nElaine) I told him two o'clock.\n\nGeorge twists round, so he can watch the door.\n\nELAINE\n(indicating) You remember Katy?\n\nGEORGE\n(distracted) Mm? (acknowledges Katy)\nOh, hi. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.\n\nWe met uh, skiing that time. You're uh, married to the eye guy.\n\nKATY\nAlso ear, nose and throat.\n\nGEORGE\nNose. (chuckles) What's the worst that\ncan happen to a nose? What\n\ndoes it get? Stuffed? (chuckles)\n\nKATY\n(amused) He's funny.\n\nELAINE\nAh, you don't have to tell me.\n\nGEORGE\nAhh, ladies, please, please. (chuckles)\n\nELAINE\nOh, you know what? He got engaged.\n\nKATY\nOh, you did? (disappointed) Oh.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat? Is that bad?\n\nKATY\nI actually would've set you up with\na friend of mine.\n\nGEORGE\nOh-ho, yeah?\n\nKATY\nYou'd be perfect for her. She loves\nquirky, funny guys.\n\nGEORGE\n(curious) Bald? Uh?\n\nKATY\nLoves bald.\n\nGEORGE\nLoves bald? (laughs) Wow. Who uh, who\nis she?\n\nKATY\nMarisa Tomei.\n\nGEORGE\n(taken aback) The actress?\n\nKATY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're friends with Marisa Tomei?\n\nKATY\nThat's right.\n\nGEORGE\n(getting excited) That's, that's incredible.\nMy Cousin Vinnie, I\n\nlove her, she was fantastic!\n\nKATY\nYeah, I know.\n\nGEORGE\n(more excitement) You were gonna fix\nme up with her?\n\nKATY\nYeah, she's just been sitting home.\n\nGEORGE\n(fever pitch) Marisa Tomei's sitting\nhome, Elaine! Wh..why didn't\n\nyou tell me that Katy was friends with Marisa Tomei?!\n\nELAINE\n(deadpan) Oh, I don't know what I was\nthinking.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry is talking on the phone as George enters and hangs up his\ncoat.\n\nJERRY\nI want this baby fully loaded. (listens)\nWell, how soon can you get\n\nit there? (listens) Oh, that's terrific. (listens) Okay, thanks,\nbye.\n\nJerry hangs up and turns to George.\n\nJERRY\nHey, guess what. I just bought my father\na Cadillac\n\nGEORGE\nReally? Wow, you're quite the good son.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I'm a very good boy. I'm flying\ndown there and surprising him.\n\nJerry walks to the kitchen.\n\nGEORGE\nYou gonna sleep on the fold-out?\n\nJERRY\n(joyless) Yeah, yes.\n\nJerry opens the fridge door and gets out a piece of pie on a\nplate.\n\nGEORGE\nUh, let me ask you something. You uh,\nyou ever hear of Marisa Tomei?\n\nJERRY\nThe actress?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. She's uh, she's something, isn't\nshe?\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, you know Katy, Elaine's friend?\n\nJERRY\nYeah?\n\nGEORGE\nShe happens to be very good friends\nwith her.\n\nJERRY\nMarisa Tomei?\n\nGEORGE\nUh-hmm.\n\nJERRY\nHow does she know Marisa Tomei?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know, I didn't ask.\n\nJERRY\nYou didn't ask how she knows Marisa\nTomei?\n\nGEORGE\nNot the point!\n\nJERRY\nAlright.\n\nGEORGE\nCan I finish?\n\nJERRY\nGo ahead. Seems like a reasonable question,\nis all I'm saying. I\n\nwould've asked her.\n\nJerry opens the freezer compartment and gets out a tub of ice\ncream.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright! So, she said, that she could've\nfixed me up with her.\n\nJERRY\nWhat d'you mean, could've?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, you know, if I uh, wasn't engaged.\n\nJERRY\nOhh!\n\nGEORGE\nCoulda fixed me up with Marisa Tomei.\nShe said I was just her type!\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\nJerry puts a scoop of ice cream on the pie.\n\nGEORGE\n(getting animated) Yeah. Yeah. You know\nthe odds of me being\n\nanyone's type?! I have never been anyone's type, but apparently,\nthis Marisa\n\nTomei loves funny, quirky, bald men.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, she won an academy award?\n\nGEORGE\n(sarcasm) Hu-hu, like I don't know that?\n(excitement) My Cousin\n\nVinnie, I love that! I, George Costanza, could be on a date with\nan Oscar\n\nwinner! An Oscar winner, Jerry! You know what that's like? It's\nlike if\n\nfifty years ago, someone fixed me up with Katherine Hepburn?\nSame thing!\n\nJERRY\nNow there's a match. You and Katherine\nHepburn.\n\nGEORGE\nI mean, you've seen her, right?\n\nJERRY\nKatherine Hepburn? Oh yeah.\n\nGEORGE\n(shout) Marisa Tomei!\n\nJERRY\nYeah, yeah, yeah.\n\nGEORGE\nI mean, she's beautiful, right? She's\njust my type. The dark hair,\n\nthe full lips.\n\nGeorge wanders to the couch, Jerry following with his plate of\npie and ice\n\ncream.\n\nJERRY\nYou like full lips.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, I love full lips. Something you\ncan really put the lipstick on.\n\nThe two sit on the couch.\n\nJERRY\nMmm-mmm. Too bad you're engaged.\n\nJerry takes a mouthful of pie.\n\nGEORGE\n(downcast) Yeah, too bad. Too bad.\n\nThere is a knock at the door.\n\nJERRY\n(about the pie) This is no good.\n\nJerry puts down the plate, gets up and opens the door, to reveal\na guy in a\n\nPlaza Cable cap.\n\nJERRY\nHi.\n\nNICK\nHi, uh, excuse me. I'm uh, I'm with\nPlaza Cable. I'm sorry to bother\n\nyou. I...I'm looking for the guy who lives over here. Been waiting\nabout uh,\n\nheh, two hours. You uh, happen to know where he is?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nNICK\nIf you see him, Could you just tell\nhim the cable company was here?\n\nJERRY\nSure.\n\nNICK\nThanks.\n\nThe guy leaves. Jerry closes the door and returns to the couch.\n\nJERRY\n(about the cable guy) Nice people.\n\nJerry sits beside George again.\n\nGEORGE\nListen, lemme ask you a question. What\nif I got a cup of coffee with\n\nher?\n\nJERRY\nWell, what about Susan?\n\nGEORGE\n(worked up) I can't have a cup of coffee\nwith a person?! I'm not\n\nallowed to have coffee?!\n\nJERRY\nWould you tell Susan about it?\n\nGEORGE\n(frustrated) Not necessarily.\n\nJERRY\nWell, if you can't tell Susan about\nit, then there's something wrong.\n\nGEORGE\n(shouts) Of course there's something\nwrong! (points at Jerry) We had\n\na pact!\n\nJerry heads for the fridge, just as Kramer enters.\n\nJERRY\nHey, cable guy's looking for you.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\nOh. Yeah, I been getting HBO and Showtime\nfor free. See, they just\n\nfound out about it, so now they wanna come and take it out.\n\nJERRY\nWell, said he was waiting about two\nhours. Seemed a little put out.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, was he? Was he? I guess the cable\nman doesn't like to be kept\n\nwaiting.\n\nJERRY\nYou don't seem too bothered by it.\n\nKRAMER\nYou remember what they did to me ten\nyears ago? \"Oh, we'll be there\n\nin the morning between nine and one\", or \"We'll be there between\ntwo and\n\nsix\"! (quiet anger) And I sat there, hour after hour, without\nso much as a\n\nphone call. Finally, they show up, no apology, tracking mud all\nover my nice\n\nclean floors. (malice) Now, they want me to accommodate them.\nWell, looks\n\nlike the shoe's on the other foot, doesn't it?\n\nJERRY\nBoy, I've never seen you like this.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, you don't wanna get on my bad side.\n\n(George's Apartment)\n\nGeorge sits on his couch, watching My Cousin Vinnie on video.\nOnscreen,\n\nMarisa Tomei, is in court, explaining transmission systems.\n\nMARISA\n...positrack, which was not available\non the sixty-four Buick\n\nSkylark.\n\nSusan enters\n\nSUSAN\nHey. (glances at TV) Hey what're you\nwatching? What is that? My\n\nCousin Vinnie?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nSusan stands behind George as she speaks.\n\nSUSAN\nI thought you saw that before. How come\nyou're watching that again?\n\nGEORGE\nI..I..I dunno.\n\nSUSAN\nDid you know Marisa Tomei won an Oscar\nfor that? Boy, she's\n\nbeautiful, don't you think? I wish I looked like that.\n\nGeorge daren't say anything, but from his expression it's clear\nhe wishes\n\nSusan looked like that.\n\nSUSAN\nTurn it off. You're making me jealous.\nI'm gonna think you like her\n\nmore than you like me.\n\nSusan leaves to the bedroom.\n\nGEORGE\n(forcing a laugh) Hu, ha.\n\nWhen Susan has gone, George picks up the phone and dials, keeping\nan eye\n\nopen in case Susan returns.\n\n(George's Apartment/Elaine's Apartment)\n\nELAINE\nHello.\n\nGEORGE\n(whispering) Elaine, it's me, George.\n\nElaine is sitting up in bed, reading a newspaper as she speaks\nto George.\n\nELAINE\nGeorge. How come you're whispering?\n\nGEORGE\n(still quiet) Never mind, never mind.\nI need you to do me a favour.\n\nUhm, remember what we were talking about at the coffee shop earlier?\n\nELAINE\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\n(still quiet) Think, a second. You know,\nyour friend was talking\n\nabout me and, you know...\n\nELAINE\nEch, George, I have no idea what you're\ntalking about.\n\nGEORGE\n(still quiet) The actress.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\n(shouts) Marisa Tomei!\n\nSusan hears from the bedroom.\n\nSUSAN\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\n(calling to Susan) Uh, ah, nothing.\nNothing.\n\nELAINE\nOh, yeah. Yeah, what about her?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, uhm, I think I'd like to do it.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? (shocked) What?! George, no way.\nYou're engaged!\n\nGEORGE\nA cup of coffee. That, that doesn't\nmean anything.\n\nELAINE\nUhh. No George!\n\nGEORGE\nElaine.\n\nELAINE\nForget it!\n\nElaine hangs up her phone in disgust.\n\nGEORGE\nElaine! (shouts) ELAINE!!\n\nSusan walks back in on George at this point. George quickly slips\nthe phone\n\nunder a cushion to conceal it, and goes back to watching My Cousin\nVinnie,\n\nto provide an excuse for his raised voice.\n\nGEORGE\nD'oh...Oh, oh, the judge! I hate this\nguy!\n\nSusan looks at him oddly.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry is packing some gear into a bag, while Elaine watches and\nKramer peers\n\nout into the hall through Jerry's peephole.\n\nELAINE\nI can't believe you're buying your father\na car.\n\nJERRY\nAnd, best of all, it's a Cadillac.\n\nELAINE\n(sharp intake of breath) Hoh. A Cadillac!\n(impressed) Wow.\n\nElaine seems to become a lot more interested in Jerry. She moves\nover to the\n\ntable where Jerry's packing, and turns the 'flirt' knob to the\n'on'\n\nposition.\n\nELAINE\nI had no idea you had this kind of money.\n\nJERRY\nAhh, I uh, I don't like to talk about\nit.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I thought you were doing okay.\nI just didn't think you were in\n\nthis kind of, you know, uh... position.\n\nJERRY\nAh, it's just money.\n\nELAINE\n(smiling) So, when're you getting back\nfrom Florida?\n\nJERRY\nOh, I don't know, play it by ear. Why?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know. (big smile) Just, things\nseem a little more exciting\n\nwhen you're around. That's all.\n\nJERRY\nAre you okay?\n\nELAINE\n(squeaky) Sure, sure.\n\nJERRY\nWhat was that?\n\nKramer sees something through the peephole. He motions Jerry\nand Elaine to\n\nquieten down.\n\nKRAMER\nQuiet, quiet.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment/Hall Outside Jerry's Apartment)\n\nNick, the cable guy is standing by Kramer's door. George wanders\nup to\n\nJerry's door and, as he gets there, is addressed.\n\nNICK\nHey, uh, you know the guy who lives\nhere?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nGeorge moves to open Jerry's door, but the cable guy is still\ntalking.\n\nNICK\n(quietly angry) All morning I been waiting\nhere. All morning.\n\nPeering through the peephole, Kramer makes a noise of excited\nsatisfaction.\n\nNICK\n(still angry) The guy says he's gonna\nbe home. I show up and all I do\n\nis wait. I'm getting pretty sick and tired of it. I'm not gonna\nput up with\n\nit much longer.\n\nThe cable guy stalks away. Inside Jerry's, Kramer turns to speak\nto Jerry\n\nand Elaine.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm loving this.\n\nKramer lowers his eye to the peephole again, just as George opens\nthe door.\n\nThe door cracks Kramer on the forehead with a thump. George enters.\nKramer\n\npeers round George to check the cable guy's gone.\n\nGEORGE\nKramer, there's a guy out here that...\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah. I know, I know.\n\nKramer exits and crosses the hall to his apartment. George closes\nthe door\n\nbehind himself, and takes off his coat. He notices Elaine.\n\nGEORGE\n(pointedly to Elaine) Oh. Thanks very\nmuch for yesterday, by the\n\nway.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, he want me to fix him up with\nMarisa Tomei. I am not gonna be\n\na part of this!\n\nGEORGE\n(animated) Fixed up? A cup of coffee!\nA cup of coffee is not a fix\n\nup!\n\nELAINE\nYou wanna meet her. You wanna see if\nshe likes you?\n\nGEORGE\n(defensive) So what? So what if I do?\n\nELAINE\n(shrill) You're engaged!\n\nGEORGE\n(worked up) I'm aware! I'm aware!! But\nthis is Marisa Tomei, Elaine.\n\nAn Oscar winner! How can I live the rest of my life, knowing\nI coulda been\n\nwith Marisa Tomei? She said I was just her type! She loves short,\nstocky,\n\nbalding funny men!\n\nJERRY\nI notice you threw 'stocky' in there.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, what the hell?!\n\nELAINE\nGeorge! It's cheating.\n\nGEORGE\n(adamant) It's not cheating if there's\nno sex!\n\nELAINE\nYes it is!\n\nGEORGE\n(frustrated) Ahh!\n\nELAINE\n(looking for support) Jerry!\n\nJerry is standing by the kitchen counter. He has a stack of bank\nnotes and\n\nis counting them. Elaine is mesmerised by the sight of all that\ncurrency.\n\nShe stands by the counter, her eyes locked onto the money.\n\nJERRY\nUhm, hold, hold on a second. (pauses\ncounting) I'm, I'm sorry, I\n\ndidn't hear what you said.\n\nElaine looks almost dizzy at the prospect of all that cash.\n\nGEORGE\n(pleading) Elaine, c'mon. Would you\njust make the call? (indicates\n\nthe phone) Please, make the call.\n\nELAINE\n(distractedly) Yeah, yeah, fine, I'll\nmake...\n\nElaine picks up the phone and dials a number.\n\nGEORGE\n(triumph) Alright.\n\nJerry resumes his counting, but has lost track of where he was\nup to. He\n\nstands, holding one bill, trying to recall. Elaine has obviously\nbeen paying\n\nmore attention, even as she dialled the phone.\n\nELAINE\nEight-fifty.\n\nJERRY\nOh, right.\n\nElaine waits for the phone to be picked up.\n\nELAINE\nSo uh, how are you getting to the airport?\nD'you need a ride, or...\n\nJERRY\nNo, don't be silly, I've arranged a\ncar.\n\nAs Jerry goes to leave the kitchen, Elaine is sure to keep in\nhis path,\n\nsmiling flirtatiously.\n\nELAINE\nYou sure? You sure? 'Cos, you know...\n\nJERRY\nMaybe I'll let you pick me up.\n\nELAINE\n(big smile) Okay.\n\nJerry is finally allowed out of the kitchen by Elaine, and heads\nfor the\n\nbedroom. The phone is picked up at the other end of Elaine's\nline. As Elaine\n\nspeaks, George stands beside her, doing a little selection of\ndances.\n\nELAINE\nOh, hi. Uhm, is Katy there? (listens)\nWh...? Uhm, what? (listens)\n\nOh, really?\n\nSomething about the tone of her voice causes George to cease\ndancing.\n\nELAINE\nWell, could you tell her Elaine called?\nYeah, thanks.\n\nElaine turns to an expectant George.\n\nELAINE\nHuh, she's in the hospital. (concerned)\nShe has an arrhythmia.\n\nGEORGE\n(impatient) What about Marisa Tomei?!\n\n(Morty and Helen's, Florida)\n\nMorty is eating a cookie at the kitchen table. Helen comes over\nand grabs\n\nthe box he's eating from.\n\nHELEN\nMorty, what d'you have to open this\nbox for? (waving at another box)\n\nThere's already a box of cookies open.\n\nMORTY\nI wanted a Chip Ahoy.\n\nHELEN\nI don't like all these open boxes.\n\nHelen puts both boxes of cookies away in a cupboard.\n\nMORTY\nLook, I got a few good years left. If\nI want a Chip Ahoy, I'm having\n\nit.\n\nThe door opens and Jerry enters, carrying his bags.\n\nJERRY\nSurprise!\n\nMORTY\n(shout) Jerry!\n\nHELEN\n(shock) Oh, my god!\n\nMORTY\nWhat the hell are you doing here?\n\nJERRY\nI'm a good son.\n\nHELEN\nJust like that? No calls?\n\nJERRY\nJust like that.\n\nMORTY\nBoy, you are really something.\n\nHELEN\nTo what do we owe this great honour?\n\nJERRY\nYou wanna know? Come on outside.\n\nMORTY\nOutside? What's going on?\n\nHELEN\nWhenever Jerry comes, something exciting\nhappens.\n\nHelen darts out of the door eagerly.\n\nMORTY\n(laughs) Heh hah!\n\nJERRY\nC'mon, c'mon.\n\nMorty follows Helen outside.\n\n(Outside Morty and Helen's, Florida)\n\nStanding at the kerb is a brand new, silver, Cadillac, gleaming\nin the\n\nFloridian sunshine. Jerry leads Morty and Helen over to it.\n\nJERRY\nWell, what d'you think?\n\nMORTY\nLook at this! Look at this! (excited)\nYou bought a Cadillac?!\n\nJERRY\nI bought it for you. It's yours.\n\nMorty and Helen both look astonished.\n\nMORTY\nYou what? You bought me a Cadillac?\n\nJERRY\nI bought you a Cadillac. (hands over\nthe keys) Here you go.\n\nHELEN\n(sharply, to Jerry) Are you out of your\nmind?\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nMORTY\n(to Helen) You don't want it? Are you\nkidding?\n\nHELEN\nHe's not buying us a Cadillac.\n\nMORTY\nWhat are you, nuts?\n\nHELEN\nIt's a very nice gesture Jerry, but\ntake it back.\n\nHelen wrests the keys from Morty's grasp and hands them back\nto Jerry.\n\nMORTY\n(to Jerry) Can you believe this?!\n\nHELEN\nI'm not letting him buy us a Cadillac.\nHe hasn't got that kind of\n\nmoney.\n\nJERRY\nHow d'you know?\n\nHELEN\nOh, get out of here Mister Big Shot.\n\nJERRY\nWhy can't I buy my father a car?\n\nHELEN\nYour father doesn't need a car.\n\nMORTY\nYes, I do!\n\nMorty grabs the keys back from Jerry.\n\nHELEN\nOh, Morty.\n\nMORTY\nWe're keeping it.\n\nHELEN\nOver my dead body.\n\nHelen makes another grab for the keys, and she and Morty struggle\nfor\n\npossession, watched by Jerry.\n\nJERRY\n(under his breath) Well, this worked\nout just as I had hoped.\n\n(Kramer's Apartment)\n\nKramer sits on his couch reading a newspaper. Beside him, on\na table, are\n\nhis phone and an answering machine. The phone rings, but Kramer\ndoesn't\n\nanswer, instead allowing the machine to pick up.\n\nMACHINE\nGiddyup.\n\nNICK\nYeah, this is Nick Stevens, from Plaza\nCable.\n\nKramer smiles on hearing the voice.\n\nNICK\nWell, I waited all morning again. You\nsaid you were gonna be\n\nthere from nine to one.\n\nKramer puts down his paper and stretches out on the couch to\nlisten.\n\nNICK\nI was there. Where were you? You think\nI got nothing better to\n\ndo than stand outside all morning, waiting for you to show up?!\n\nKramer waves his fist, mocking the cable guy's anger. He laughs\nto himself.\n\nNICK\nYou're not gonna get away with this!\n\n(Outside Morty and Helen's, Florida)\n\nMorty is sitting in the Cadillac, with Jerry leaning on the door.\nThey're\n\ngoing through the features of the car.\n\nMORTY\nHey Jerry, look at this. My seat's got\na memory, in case somebody\n\nmoves it. I could be in prison for five years. I come out, my\nseat goes\n\nright back to where I like it.\n\nJERRY\nThat's what I was thinking.\n\nJack Klompus approaches the car.\n\nJACK\n(pointing) Hello, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHiya, Jack.\n\nMorty gets out of the car, shuts the door and leans against it.\n\nMORTY\n(indicating) So, how d'you like this?\n\nJACK\nWho's car?\n\nMORTY\nIt's mine.\n\nJACK\nYours?\n\nMORTY\nThat's right. My son bought it for me.\n\nJACK\nHe what?\n\nMORTY\nMy son bought me the car. It's a present.\n\nJACK\n(disbelief) You bought it?\n\nJERRY\nThat's right. I bought it.\n\nMORTY\nYou ever see one so nice?\n\nJACK\nSome car.\n\nMORTY\nYou wanna take a ride?\n\nJACK\nNo, thank you.\n\nMORTY\nC'mon, take a ride.\n\nJACK\nI don't wanna take a ride.\n\nMORTY\nWhy not?\n\nJACK\nI don't feel like taking a ride. Do\nI have to take a ride?!\n\nJERRY\nHe doesn't wanna take a ride.\n\nMORTY\nUh huh.\n\nJACK\n(worked up) What d'you think? I've never\nridden in a Cadillac before?\n\nBelieve me, I've ridden in a Cadillac hundreds of times. Thousands.\n\nMORTY\n(skeptical) Thousands?!\n\nJACK\nWhat? D'you think you're such a big\nshot now, because you got a\n\nCadillac?\n\nMORTY\n(dismissive) Ahh!\n\nJACK\n(dismissive) Yaah!\n\nJack angrily stalks away.\n\nMORTY\nCould you believe that guy?\n\nJERRY\nAahh!\n\n(Hospital Room)\n\nGeorge sits, talking enthusiastically to someone.\n\nGEORGE\nAnyway, I was thinking about what you\nsaid. About uh, me and Marisa.\n\nThe person he's talking to is Katy, who's unconscious, wearing\nan oxygen\n\nmask and has an intravenous drip in her.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, about the uh, two of us getting\ntogether. And I know that\n\nI said I was engaged, but (laughs) uh, you know, it's really\njust something\n\nyou say. It's like, going steady. You know uh, going steady,\nengaged, it's,\n\nit's all just stuff you say. (chuckles) Anyway, I was watching\nuh, My Cousin\n\nVinnie, on the uh, on the tape the other day, and I was thinking\nthat uh,\n\nyou know, the two of us might take a meeting, as they say. (chuckles)\nSo,\n\nwhat d'you, what d'you think?\n\nKaty is still unconscious.\n\nGEORGE\n(urgent) Move a pinkie, if it's yes.\nCan you move a pinkie?\n\n(Kramer's Apartment)\n\nKramer is reading a magazine on the couch. The phone rings and\nhe answers\n\nit.\n\nKRAMER\nY'hello.\n\nNICK\n(inexpertly disguising his voice) Hi,\nuh ah, Mister Kramer, ah,\n\nthis is McNab down at the phone company. We've got a report about\nsome\n\ntrouble on your line.\n\nKramer smiles, as he recognises the voice.\n\nKRAMER\nHmm. Well, I haven't had any trouble.\n\nNICK\nUh, the thing is, we happen to have\na man right in your\n\nneighbourhood.\n\nKramer walks over to his window, and uses his fingers to open\na couple of\n\nblades on his blinds. Peering through, he can see a public phone\nbox across\n\nthe street. Parked beside the box is a truck emblazoned with\nthe Plaza Cable\n\ninsignia, and in the box is the familiar figure of Nick, the\ncable guy.\n\nKRAMER\n(playing along) Ohh, is that right?\nWell, I have been having a\n\nlittle trouble with my call-waiting.\n\nNICK\nWe can fix that. We can fix that.\n\nKRAMER\n(sitting back on the couch) Oh, can\nyou? That's funny, because, as\n\nit happens, I don't have call-waiting. Seems to me that the phone\ncompany\n\nwould know that.\n\nNICK\nOh, right. (laughing it off) I'm sorry,\nI was looking at the wrong\n\nwork order.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Could you hold on for a second?\nI've got something on the\n\nstove.\n\nKramer puts the phone down beside a radio and switches it on.\nIt plays\n\ncheesy music into the phone. Kramer gets up and heads out the\ndoor.\n\n(Street)\n\nNick, the cable guy, stands in the phone box. He's listening\nto the cheesy\n\nmusic on the phone, and getting impatient. He glances at his\nwatch.\n\nSuddenly, a car horn blares and a shout is heard.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, McNab!\n\nTHe cable guy turns, to see Kramer leaning out of the window\nof a cab as it\n\npasses.\n\nKRAMER\nChunnel's on HBO tonight. Why don't\nyou stop by?\n\nKramer waves and smiles happily at the dumbstruck cable guy,\nas the cab\n\naccelerates away.\n\n(Tenant's Committee, Florida)\n\nAround a table sit a number of residents, including an unhappy\nlooking Jack\n\nKlompus. Morty is standing behind a lectern addressing the gathering.\nHe\n\nbangs a gavel to get their attention.\n\nMORTY\nAlright. Next thing on the agenda, the\nrestoration of the fence at\n\nthe Briarwood gate. At the present time, we are still accepting\nbids.\n\nHERB\nC'mon Morty, it's been broken for six\nmonths already. What the hell\n\nare you doing?\n\nMORTY\nWell, I, as your president, have to\nfind the best price, and right\n\nnow, I for one, do not think it's cost-feasible.\n\nJACK\n(half to himself) I'll bet you don't.\n\nMORTY\nWhat was that?\n\nJACK\nC'mon Morty, the jig is up!\n\nMORTY\nWhat're you talking about?\n\nJACK\nI'm sorry. I'm sitting here, the whole\nmeeting, holding my tongue.\n\nI've known you a long time, Morty, but I cannot hold it in any\nlonger.\n\nHERB\nWhat's going on, Jack?\n\nJACK\nI'll tell you what's going on. Morty\nSeinfeld has been stealing funds\n\nfrom the treasury.\n\nMORTY\nStealing?!\n\nRALPH\nWhat proof do you have?\n\nJACK\nProof? You want proof? He's driving\naround in a brand new Cadillac.\n\nNow what more proof do you want?\n\nMORTY\nMy son bought me that car!\n\nJACK\nYour son?\n\nMORTY\nYeah.\n\nJACK\nYour son could never afford that car.\nWe all saw his act, last year,\n\nat the playhouse. He's lucky he can pay his rent!\n\nHERB\nJack's right! He stinks!\n\nRALPH\nIt's his material.\n\nMORTY\nI tell you, he bought it for me!\n\nHERB\n(bangs table with his fist) I move for\na full investigation!\n\nRALPH\nI second.\n\nMorty looks dumbstruck.\n\n(George's Apartment)\n\nGeorge sits on the couch, watching Only You on the video. Onscreen,\nthe\n\never-lovely Marisa is delivering her lines.\n\nMARISA\n...go introduce myself.\n\nSusan enters, with a bag of groceries.\n\nSUSAN\nHey! What're you watching? (looks at\nTV) Only You? That's another\n\nMarisa Tomei movie, and you've seen that one too. (jokingly)\nWhat, d'you\n\nhave a thing for her?\n\nGEORGE\n(laughing it off and trying too hard)\nYeah, yeah. I have a thing for\n\nMarisa Tomei. Like she would ever go out with a short, stocky,\nbald man.\n\n(forced laughter) Hu hu, ha ha. Like that's her type. Huh. She's\nan Oscar\n\nwinner. (nervous laughter) He heh. Besides, I don't even know\nher. It's not\n\nlike anyone's trying to fix us up. Who, who would try and fix\nme up with\n\nMarisa Tomei?\n\nSUSAN\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nSusan wanders away into the kitchen with the groceries, looking\nbemused by\n\nGeorge. George watches her go, staring at the kitchen door as\nhe slips off\n\ninto a daydream.\n\n(George Dream Sequence)\n\nGeorge stares at the kitchen door, which glows with golden light.\nThen\n\nMarisa Tomei slinks out of the kitchen in a long black dress,\nand her hair\n\nup. She comes and sits beside George on the couch, looking at\nhim lovingly.\n\nMARISA\nHave I told you how much I love you\ntoday?\n\nGEORGE\nNot in the last fifteen minutes.\n\nMARISA\nWell, I do love you very much.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd I love you, Marisa.\n\nMARISA\nWell then, c'mon, get dressed. We're\ngoing to be late for the\n\npremiere.\n\nGeorge leans across and takes Marisa in his arms. They kiss and\nslowly\n\nrecline onto the couch.\n\n(George's Apartment)\n\nSusan returns from the kitchen, to find George kissing, and slowly\nreclining\n\nonto the couch with, a cushion. George runs a hand across his\nhead, in the\n\nfashion of a loving Marisa's caress. Then he raises his head\nfrom the\n\ncushion to see Susan observing him. She turns and goes back into\nthe\n\nkitchen, wordlessly. George puts the cushion on the arm of the\ncouch and\n\nlies down.\n\n(Morty and Helen's, Florida)\n\nJerry sits on the couch and Helen is in the kitchen, as an anxious\nMorty\n\ndelivers his news.\n\nHELEN\nImpeachment?\n\nMORTY\nThat's right. Have you ever heard of\nanything like that?\n\nHELEN\nCan they do that?\n\nMORTY\nIf they get the votes.\n\nHELEN\nI told you we shouldn't have let him\ngive us the car.\n\nJERRY\nDidn't you tell 'em I got the bill of\nsale? That proves I paid for\n\nit.\n\nMORTY\nIt doesn't make a difference. They think\nwe're in cahoots.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, you could put a fence around\nthese condos, and call it an insane\nasylum. Nobody would know the difference!\n\nMORTY\nNo-one's ever been impeached before.\nI couldn't live here. We'd have to move\nto Boca.\n\nThere's a knock at the door, and then it is opened and Evelyn\nwalks in.\n\nEVELYN\nHello?\n\nJERRY\nOh, hi Evelyn.\n\nMorty sits by the table.\n\nEVELYN\nHello, Jerry. (to the senior Seinfelds)\nI just got off the phone with Saul Brandus.\n\nHELEN\nWhat'd he say?\n\nEVELYN\nHe's voting to impeach.\n\nMorty thumps the table with his fist.\n\nEVELYN\nNot because he think you stole the money,\nbut mainly because you never thanked\nhim for giving you his aisle seat at\nFreddy Roman's show.\n\nMORTY\nI did so thank him!\n\nHELEN\n(admonishing) No, he never heard you.\n(prods Morty's back) I told you he didn't\nhear you.\n\nMORTY\nAh, he's deaf anyway.\n\nEVELYN\nNow, my sources tell me, there's three\nvotes for impeachment, three votes against\nimpeachment, and one undecided.\n\nMORTY\nWho's that?\n\nEVELYN\nMrs Choate.\n\nJERRY\nWho's she?\n\nMORTY\nOh, that one. She's been a member of\nthe board longer than anybody. She's\nvery tough to deal with.\n\nHELEN\nMaybe we should have her over for coffee,\nand explain our side of it?\n\nMORTY\nThat's a good idea.\n\nEVELYN\nOkay. I'll see you at the Lichtenberg's,\ntonight.\n\nHELEN\n(surprise) The Lichtenberg's?\n\nEVELYN\nYes, they're having a party.\n\nHELEN\nWe weren't invited.\n\nEVELYN\nOh. Probably they think you're too good\nfor them. You know, because of the car.\n\nJerry puts his face in his hands.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Cadillac-Part-2.html",
    "text": "THE CADILLAC PART 2\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David & Jerry Seinfeld\n\n(Morty and Helen's, Florida)\n\nJerry is trying, unsuccessfully, to sleep on the infamous fold-out.\nHe twists and turns, but can't find a comfortable position.\n\nJERRY\nOw. Stupid fold-out! Why'd they put\nthe bar in the middle of the bed?\n\nJerry continues to thrash about in discomfort. The phone rings\nand Jerry picks it up.\n\nJERRY\nHello?\n\nOn the other end of the line is Elaine, in bed back in New York.\n\nELAINE\n(flirtatious) Hi Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nElaine? Wh..what's going on?\n\nElaine rests on one elbow, playing with her hair as she chats\nplayfully with Jerry.\n\nELAINE\n(clears throat) I was thinking, I mean,\nI'm not really doing that much this\nweekend, and I thought, well, huh, what\nthe hell, maybe I'll come down there\nand hang out a little.\n\nJERRY\n(a little confused) You wanna hang out\nhere, at phase two of the Pines of Mar\nGables?\n\nElaine gives a slightly overdone girly giggle-laugh at Jerry's\ncomment.\n\nELAINE\nWell, it's just two hours by plane...\n\nJERRY\nGee, I dunno what to tell you.\n\nThere is a beep from Elaine's phone.\n\nELAINE\nDammit! I got another call. Uh, hang\non, don't hang up Jerry.\n\nElaine hits a button on her phone to take the other call.\n\nELAINE\nYeah?\n\nThe other call is George. He sits on his couch in his dressing\ngown.\n\nGEORGE\n(urgent whisper) Elaine! You have got\nto get me Marisa Tomei's phone number!\n\nELAINE\n(impatient) Okay, George, I am on the\nother line. I promise you, I'll get\nyou her number.\n\nGeorge punches the air in triumph, and sits back on the couch.\n\nGEORGE\nYeahhh.\n\nELAINE\nGoodbye.\n\nElaine hits the button on her phone again, to reconnect with\nJerry.\n\nELAINE\n(smiling and flirty) Hi.\n\nJERRY\nHi.\n\nELAINE\nSo, what d'you think?\n\nJERRY\nUh, I don't think so.\n\nELAINE\n(disappointed) Oh.\n\nJERRY\nI'll be back on Monday.\n\nELAINE\nWell, if you need that ride, just uhm,\ngimme a call. (little laugh) Heh. I\ncan meet you at the gate, Jer.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, yeah. Whatever. Alright, I'll\nsee you.\n\nJerry is moving to put down the phone when Elaine speaks.\n\nELAINE\n(urgent) Jerry? Jerry?\n\nJERRY\n(putting the phone back to his ear)\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\n(breathy) Bye.\n\nJERRY\nBye.\n\nJerry puts down the phone, still a little bemused by Elaine.\n\n(Kramer's Apartment)\n\nThe phone rings and Kramer picks up.\n\nKRAMER\nHello.\n\nSomewhere outside, a guy in overalls and a safety helmet is on\nthe phone. He's\n\nwriting on a clipboard as he speaks to Kramer.\n\nJOHN\nHello, Mister Kramer? This is John Hanaran,\nfrom Con Ed.\n\nKramer gets a smile on his face, thinking it's another of the\ncable guy's\n\ntricks.\n\nKRAMER\nOhh, it's Hanaran now, is it?\n\nJOHN\nYeah. We've had some reports of power\nsurges in your building. It\n\nseems some jokers were up on the roof, and they must've damaged\nsome of the\n\nwires.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, you don't say.\n\nKramer walks to his window as he listens.\n\nJOHN\n(a little confused by Kramer) Yeah.\nEither way, we need to get into your\n\napartment and do a safety check.\n\nKramer opens his blinds slightly, as he did before. But there\nis no cable guy in\n\nthe phone box across the street, only a woman talking on the\nphone.\n\nKRAMER\n(impressed) Ohh, you're good. You are\nreally good.\n\nJOHN\n(confused) What're you talking about?\n\nKramer hits a button to end the call, and puts the phone back\non the table.\n\nJohn, the power guy, stares at his phone in disbelief.\n\n(Monk's)\n\nElaine sits in a booth. George enters, looking unnaturally happy,\nand comes\n\nover.\n\nGEORGE\nMarisa Tomei! I, just spoke to Marisa\nTomei! (sitting opposite Elaine)\n\nAnd I wasn't even that nervous.\n\nElaine watches George, as he rambles on.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, I can't remember the last\ntime I called a woman without being\n\nnervous. I, usually, I'm pacing all over the room, I'm...\n\nELAINE\n(looking at her watch) Okay, well that's\nall the time we have for today.\n\nWhy don't we pick up with this next week?\n\nElaine rises.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, where you going?\n\nELAINE\nI got stuff to do.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat? You can't leave yet.\n\nELAINE\nWhy not?\n\nGEORGE\nWe have to discuss my alibi.\n\nELAINE\nAlibi? What does that have to do with\nme?\n\nGEORGE\nI usually spend Saturday afternoons\nwith Susan. She's gonna want to know\n\nwhat I'm doing. I can't use Jerry, he's in Florida.\n\nELAINE\nOh, so you wanna say you were with me?\n\nGEORGE\nYes.\n\nELAINE\n(pulls a face) Puh. Okay, fine. You\nwere with me.\n\nElaine sets off to leave, but is stopped by George.\n\nGEORGE\nWait a second, wait. Why are we together?\n\nELAINE\nWhat is the difference?\n\nGEORGE\nBecause, if you ever see her and it\ncomes up, we have to be in sync.\n\nHmm?\n\nReluctantly, Elaine sits back down with a sigh, as George furrows\nhis brow in\n\nconcentration.\n\nGEORGE\nOkay. Now, why do I have to see (points)\nyou?\n\nGeorge and Elaine both think hard for a moment. Then Elaine gets\na flash of\n\ninspiration.\n\nELAINE\nAh! Because, I'm going to the dentist,\nand I'm afraid, and I want you to\n\ngo with me.\n\nElaine smiles and makes a 'voila' gesture.\n\nGEORGE\n(dismissive) It's no good.\n\nElaine looks offended.\n\nELAINE\n(pointedly) Okay. Fine.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nI don't like the way you just rejected\nmy suggestion.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, hey, let's not get so defensive\nhere. This is a give and take\n\nprocess.\n\nELAINE\nI thought that my suggestion was good.\nAnd, I think you could've been a\n\nlittle more tactful.\n\nGEORGE\n(explaining, with lots of hand gestures)\nOkay, look. We've never worked\n\ntogether on a lie. Now, you don't understand how I work. I have\na certain way of\n\nworking. Jerry and I have worked together a few times. He knows\nhow I work. It's\n\nnot a personal thing, y'know? We're just trying to come up with\nthe best\n\npossible lie. That's what this is all about.\n\nELAINE\n(weary) Okay.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright?\n\nELAINE\nOkay.\n\nGEORGE\nOkay.\n\nELAINE\nFine.\n\nGEORGE\nGood.\n\nELAINE\nFine, fine, fine.\n\nThe twosome go back to thinking for a while. This time George\ngets the\n\ninspiration.\n\nGEORGE\nOkay. How about this?\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\n(pleased with himself) You are having\nproblems with your boyfriend and I\n\nam meeting you to discuss the situation.\n\nELAINE\nI don't have a boyfriend.\n\nGEORGE\n(still pleased) She doesn't know that.\nWe say that you do.\n\nELAINE\n(not convinced) Ech.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's good. Believe me.\n\nELAINE\nI thought my idea was just as good.\n\nGEORGE\nThe dentist thing?\n\nELAINE\n(pointed) Yeah, right. The dentist thing.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, the dentist thing was not good.\n\nELAINE\nOkay, alright. What's his name? Who\nis he?\n\nGEORGE\n(after a moment's thought) Art Vandelay.\n\nELAINE\n(incredulity) Art Vandelay? This is\nmy boyfriend?\n\nGEORGE\nThat's your boyfriend.\n\nELAINE\nWhat does he do?\n\nGEORGE\nHe's an importer.\n\nELAINE\nJust imports? No exports?\n\nGEORGE\n(getting irritated) He's an importer-exporter.\nOkay?\n\nELAINE\nOkay. So, I'm dating Art Vandelay. What\nis the problem we're discussing?\n\nGEORGE\n(thoughtful) Yes. Yes.\n\nELAINE\n(sighs) Yi-yi-yi.\n\nElaine and George go into another bout of deep thought.\n\nELAINE\nAh! (explaining, with hand gestures)\nHow 'bout this? How about, he's\n\nthinking of quitting the exporting, and just focussing in on\nthe importing. And\n\nthis is causing a problem, because, why not do both?\n\nElaine finishes with an expectant smile. George looks skeptical,\nand Elaine\n\nseems offended again.\n\nELAINE\n(irked) Oh, what? You don't like that\nsuggestion either?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's very complicated.\n\nELAINE\n(definitely irritated) You know, it\nseems to me that it's all you, and\n\nnone of my ideas are getting in. You know, I mean, you just know\nit all and I am\n\nMiss Stupid. Right?\n\nGeorge avoids Elaine's gaze, looking down.\n\n(Morty and Helen's, Florida)\n\nHelen is in the kitchen, putting cookies on a plate, as a restless\nMorty fusses\n\naround.\n\nMORTY\nWhat're you doing? Are you making coffee?\n\nHELEN\nYeah.\n\nMORTY\nWell, maybe you better make a pot of\ntea, too.\n\nHELEN\nMorty, you're driving me crazy.\n\nMORTY\nLook, I don't want anything to go wrong.\nIf this woman votes to impeach\n\nme, I'll be a laughing stock.\n\nHELEN\nYou wanna drive a Cadillac? Expect to\npay the consequences.\n\nThe doorbell chimes.\n\nMORTY\nThere she is.\n\nMorty and Helen both go to the door. Morty opens it and Mrs Choate\nenters.\n\nMORTY\nHello. Hello, Mrs Choate.\n\nHELEN\nOh, come in, come in. May I take your\ncoat.\n\nMRS. CHOATE\nNo, no. I prefer to wear it. Nobody's\ntaking my coat.\n\nHELEN\nAh, how 'bout a cup of coffee or something?\n\nMRS. CHOATE\nCoffee? Ach. I'll take hot water with\nlemon, if you have it.\n\nHELEN\nI'll see. (indicating the couch) Have\na seat. That's a lovely scarf\n\nyou're wearing. Where did you get it?\n\nHelen goes to the kitchen as Mrs Choate sits on the couch.\n\nMRS. CHOATE\nAhh, they're a dime a dozen.\n\nJerry enters.\n\nHELEN\nOh, hi Jerry. Mrs Choate, (indicating)\nthis is my son, Jerry.\n\nMrs Choate turns to look at Jerry. Jerry looks astonished as\nhe recognises Mrs\n\nChoate. He remembers an incident from \"The Rye\".\n\n(New York Street, \"The Rye\")\n\nJerry grapples with Mrs Choate, for possession of a bag.\n\nJERRY\nGimme that rye!\n\nMRS. CHOATE\nStop it. Let go. Help! Someone, help!\n\nJerry wrests the bag from the old lady's grip.\n\nJERRY\nShut up, you old bag!\n\nJerry races away down the street with the rye.\n\nMRS. CHOATE\n(shouting after him) Thief! Stop him!\nStop him, he's got my rye!\n\n(Morty and Helen's, Florida)\n\nJerry manages to regain a normal expression.\n\nJERRY\nNice to meet you.\n\nMRS. CHOATE\nHello.\n\nMORTY\n(holding Jerry's shoulders) Jerry lives\nin New York. You just came from\n\nNew York, didn't you?\n\nJerry looks desperate. The last thing he needs is Mrs Choate\nconnecting him with\n\nNew York.\n\nMRS. CHOATE\nYeah. I was visiting my daughter, and\nI'll never go back. The crime\n\nthere is just terrible. Do you know I got mugged for a marble\nrye, right on the\n\nstreet?\n\nJerry gives a look of sympathy. Helen brings a couple of saucers\nand cups from\n\nthe kitchen, placing them on the table before Mrs Choate.\n\nHELEN\n(sympathy) Oh, that's terrible. They\nstole a rye? Why would they steal a\n\nrye?\n\nMORTY\nThat's what the city's turning into.\nThey'll steal anything.\n\nMRS. CHOATE\nThey're like savages.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, there's some sickos out there.\n\nMRS. CHOATE\n(peering at Jerry) You look very familiar.\nHave we ever met?\n\nJERRY\nYou ever go to Camp Tiyoga?\n\nHELEN\nMaybe you've seen him on television.\n\nMORTY\nJerry's a comedian.\n\nMRS. CHOATE\nNaw, I don't watch TV.\n\nJerry has moved rapidly to the door.\n\nJERRY\n(opening the door) Well, it was nice\nmeeting you.\n\nMORTY\nJerry, don't go.\n\nJERRY\nAh, I think I'll go.\n\nJerry darts out and shuts the door behind him.\n\nMRS. CHOATE\nSo, Morty, what's this all about? What\nd'you want?\n\n(George's Apartment)\n\nSusan sits on the couch, reading. She spots George, in his coat,\nheading for the\n\ndoor.\n\nSUSAN\nHey, where're you going?\n\nGEORGE\nWha..? I didn't tell you? I gotta go\nmeet Elaine.\n\nSUSAN\nElaine? What for?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know. She..She's having some\nproblems with this guy she's\n\nseeing.\n\nSUSAN\nI didn't even know she was dating anyone.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, yeah. She's seeing this guy, Art\nVandelay.\n\nSUSAN\nSo what does he do?\n\nGEORGE\nHe's an importer-exporter.\n\nSUSAN\nWhat kind of problems are they having?\n\nGEORGE\n(not happy delivering Elaine's lie)\nWell, he uh, he wants to uh, quit\n\nthe exporting and uh, focus just on the importing. And it's a\nproblem, because\n\nshe thinks the exporting is as important as the importing.\n\nSusan looks unconvinced.\n\nSUSAN\nAre you having an affair with Elaine?\n\nGEORGE\n(trying to laugh it off) Right. C'mon!\nI'm having an affair with\n\nElaine?! If I was having an affair with Elaine, I wouldn't tell\nyou I'm going to\n\nsee Elaine. I would make up some other person to tell you I was\ngonna go see,\n\nand then I would go see Ela..Elaine.\n\nSUSAN\nHuh?\n\nGeorge gives a smile and slides out the door.\n\n(Street)\n\nKramer strolls along the street, carrying a big bag of groceries.\nHe becomes\n\naware that a vehicle is slowly driving along the road just behind\nhim. Kramer\n\nshifts his load of groceries, so that a shiny baking tray is\nin a position he\n\ncan use it as a mirror. Behind him, he can see the blurry image\nof a Plaza Cable\n\ntruck. Kramer begins to walk faster, then breaks into a run.\n\n(Another Street)\n\nKramer slows from his run, and looks behind himself. A smile\ncomes to his face,\n\nas he sees the truck is no longer there. He allows himself a\nlittle shrug of\n\nsatisfaction at having beaten the cable guy. Kramer turns and\nbegins to walk on,\n\nwith his groceries, when there is a screech of tyres and the\ncable truck comes\n\nto a halt in front of him - having taken another route to head\nhim off.\n\nThe cable guy gives a 'come here' gesture with his forefinger\nthrough the truck\n\nwindow. Kramer turns and sets off running. He runs into a litter\nbin, drops his\n\ngroceries and falls to the floor. The cable guy climbs from his\ntruck and begins\n\nto advance on Kramer. Kramer picks himself up and, abandoning\nhis groceries,\n\nsets off running again, with the cable guy in pursuit.\n\n(Variety of New York locations)\n\nKramer runs across a busy thoroughfare, followed, seconds later,\nby the cable\n\nguy.\n\nKramer hauls himself over a wall in a park, looks around, and\nthen sets off\n\nrunning. Moments later, the cable guy struggles over the same\nwall and sets off\n\nafter Kramer.\n\nKramer runs across an expanse of grass in the park, with the\ncable guy just a\n\nfew yards behind.\n\nKramer runs across a New York rooftop. He comes to the edge of\nthe roof and\n\nlooks for a way across to the next building. Kramer looks worriedly\nbehind him,\n\nfor the pursuing cable guy, then down into the gap between buildings.\nDespite\n\nhis worry at the height, he steps back a few paces, takes a run-up,\nand leaps\n\nacross to land on the roof of the next building. Kramer picks\nhimself up and\n\nsets off running again. Behind him, the cable guy comes to the\nsame gap, looks\n\ndown at how far he has to fall, and thinks better of attempting\nthe leap.\n\nNICK\n(yelling after the fleeing Kramer) I'll\nget you! I'll get you Kramer! You\n\nwon't get away with this!\n\n(Morty and Helen's, Florida)\n\nMorty is fastening a jacket as he enters.\n\nMORTY\nAlright, are you ready to eat?\n\nHELEN\n(glancing at her watch) Oh, right, let's\ngo. Jerry, let's go, it's time\n\nto eat. We're going to dinner.\n\nJerry wanders into the room. He's in a t-shirt and sweatpants,\nand holding a\n\ncomic book he's been reading.\n\nJERRY\n(confused) Dinner? W..What time is it?\n\nHELEN\n(pulling on a coat) It's four-thirty.\n\nJERRY\n(bewildered) Four-thirty? Who eats dinner\nat four-thirty?\n\nMORTY\nBy the time we sit down, it'll be quarter\nto five.\n\nJERRY\nI don't understand why we have to eat\nnow.\n\nHELEN\nWe gotta catch the early-bird. It's\nonly between four-thirty and six.\n\nMORTY\nYeah. They give you a tenderloin, a\nsalad and a baked potato, for\n\nfour-ninety-five. You know what that cost you after six?\n\nJERRY\nCan't we eat at a decent hour? I'll\ntreat, okay?\n\nHELEN\nYou're not buying us dinner.\n\nJERRY\n(emphatic) I'm not force-feeding myself\na steak at four-thirty to save a\n\ncoupla bucks, I'll tell you that!\n\nHELEN\nAlright, (sitting on the couch) we'll\nwait. (pointedly) But it's unheard\n\nof.\n\nJerry shakes his head, incredulous, and wanders away with his\ncomic book.\n\n(Park)\n\nGeorge sits on a bench with Marisa Tomei. He's mid-speech, and\nMarisa's looking\n\ninterested, smiling and laughing.\n\nGEORGE\n...So, anyway, if you think about it,\nmanure is not really that bad a\n\nword. I mean, it's 'newer', which is good, and a 'ma' in front\nof it, which is\n\nalso good. Ma-newer, right?\n\nMARISA\n(laughing) You're so right. I never\nthought of it like that. Manure.\n\n'Ma' and the 'newer'.\n\nMarisa laughs and George is smiling happily.\n\nMARISA\nDid you just make that up?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, you think I'm doing material here?\n\nMARISA\n(laughs) No, no. It's hard to believe\nanyone could be so spontaneously\n\nfunny.\n\nGEORGE\n(modest) And I'm a little tired.\n\nMarisa laughs again, then speaks, still smiling, but more seriously.\n\nMARISA\nSo, tell me, how is it that a man like\nyou, so bald, and so quirky and\n\nfunny, how is it you're not taken?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, Marisa. See, the thing is... I'm\nsort of engaged.\n\nMarisa's face falls in disappointment.\n\nMARISA\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm, you know, engaged.\n\nMarisa's expression turns to anger. She swings a fist and punches\nGeorge in the\n\nface, then grabs her bag and storms away. George feels the painful\nspot where he\n\nreceived the blow.\n\n(Outside Scott's, Florida)\n\nA few people stand around outside. The Seinfeld's Cadillac drives\nup to the\n\nfront of the restaurant. There's a gap in the parked cars, right\nby the\n\nentrance.\n\nJERRY\nHey look, there's a spot right in front.\n\nMORTY\nAlways, Jerry. Always.\n\nThe Cadillac pulls into the space. From the entrance of Scott's\nemerge Jack and\n\nDoris Klompus, Jack using a toothpick\n\nDORIS\nWas that delicious or what?\n\nJACK\nWhere you gonna get a better meal than\nthat?\n\nDORIS\nBetter than Danny's.\n\nJACK\nDanny's? (scoffs) C'mon!\n\nThe Seinfelds walk toward the entrance, where they meet the Klompus\nduo.\n\nMORTY\nHello Jack.\n\nHELEN\nDoris.\n\nDORIS\nHello, hello.\n\nJERRY\nJack.\n\nDORIS\nHello, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHi Doris.\n\nJACK\nHello Morty. (looking at watch) Well,\nmissed the early bird.\n\nMORTY\nYeah, so?\n\nJACK\n(pointed) Must be nice to have that\nkind of money.\n\nJack calls over to one of the people outside the restaurant.\n\nJACK\nBernie, look who's eating at six o'clock.\n(pointed) Your suddenly\n\nwell-to-do president. But, you enjoy your last meal in office.\nTomorrow, they\n\nkick you out, you'll have plenty of time to drive around in your\nCadillac.\n\nMorty is looking confident, even smug.\n\nMORTY\nThey're not kicking me out. You don't\nhave the votes.\n\nJACK\nThat's what you think.\n\nMORTY\nWe'll see.\n\nJACK\nYes, we will.\n\nJERRY\nAwright, let's eat already.\n\nThe Seinfelds enter Scott's, and Jack and Doris walk past the\nCadillac.\n\n(Elaine's Apartment)\n\nElaine answers a knock at the door, to find a slightly anxious\nlooking Susan.\n\nELAINE\nHi, Susan.\n\nSUSAN\nHi.\n\nELAINE\nHi. Come in, come in. Have a seat.\n\nSusan walks in, and crosses to the couch. Elaine closes the door.\n\nSUSAN\n(standing) Uh, Elaine, I have to ask\nyou a question.\n\nELAINE\nOh, sure.\n\nSUSAN\n(dead serious) Are you having an affair\nwith George?\n\nELAINE\n(disbelief) Wha...?! (uncontrolled laughter)\nHa ha ha. Ha, no.\n\nElaine has to sit on the arm of a chair, she's laughing so hard.\n\nELAINE\n(laughter) Don't be ridiculous! (laughter)\nI mean, why would anyone\n\nwanna sleep...\n\nElaine realises who she's speaking to, and the laughter dies\naway.\n\nELAINE\n...Well, obviously... You know... (disbelief)\nAp..ap, Chu... Why would\n\nyou think I was having an affair with George?\n\nSUSAN\nOhh, because he said that he had to\ntalk with you earlier about some\n\nproblem that you were having.\n\nELAINE\n(recalling the arranged lie) Yeah, yeah,\nI did have to talk with him. I\n\ndefinitely had to talk with him. Having a problem with my boyfriend.\n\nSUSAN\nArt Vandelay?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, Art Vandelay.\n\nSUSAN\nI'm sorry. (laughing it off) I feel\nlike an idiot.\n\nELAINE\n(smiling) No, no. (laughing) Huh-hu-hu.\nIt's okay.\n\nSUSAN\nOh, just forget that we ever talked.\nOkay?\n\nELAINE\nIt is so forgotten.\n\nSUSAN\nAlright.\n\nSusan moves toward the door.\n\nELAINE\nOkay. (relieved) Okay, no problem.\n\nSusan has the door open, when a thought occurs to her.\n\nSUSAN\nSo, was George helpful at all?\n\nELAINE\n(unconvincing) Yeah. Oh, yes, yes, he\nwas very helpful. (hesitant) Uhm,\n\nbecause, you know, Art and I were getting into this whole thing\nabout his\n\nbusiness. Uhm, you know he's an importer-exporter.\n\nSUSAN\n(not convinced) Yeah.\n\nELAINE\n(explaining, with gestures) Uhm, George\nfelt that I was too adamant in\n\nmy stand that Art should focus on the exporting and forget about\nthe importing.\n\nSUSAN\n(spotting an inconsistency) Wait a minute.\nI thought that Art wanted to\n\ngive up the exporting.\n\nELAINE\nWhat'd I say?\n\nSUSAN\nThe importing.\n\nELAINE\n(caught out) I did. Uh...\n\nSUSAN\nSo, what does he uh, import?\n\nELAINE\n(extemporising) Uh... chips.\n\nSUSAN\nOh. What kinda chips?\n\nELAINE\nPotato.\n\nSUSAN\nAh.\n\nELAINE\n(embroidering) Some corn.\n\nSUSAN\nAnd what does he export?\n\nELAINE\nDiapers.\n\nSUSAN\n(fake smile) I'm sorry for bothering\nyou.\n\nELAINE\nOh, no, it's okay.\n\nSusan and Elaine both use fake laughs, as Susan leaves and closes\nthe door.\n\nELAINE\nOkay.\n\nThe moment the door closes behind Susan, Elaine races to her\nphone and dials a\n\nnumber hurriedly. She stands, listening to the ring, desperate\nfor a response.\n\nELAINE\n(to herself) C'mon, George, pick up.\nOh, pick up. Oh, pick up.\n\n(George's Apartment)\n\nSusan stands sifting through some magazines, when the door opens\nand George\n\nenters. He's still feeling his face where Marisa punched him.\n\nGEORGE\nHi.\n\nSUSAN\nHi. (pointedly) So, George, what does\nArt Vandelay import?\n\nGeorge looks surprised by the question, and thinks for a moment\nbefore replying.\n\nGEORGE\nMatches? Long matches.\n\nSusan raises her arm, and delivers the second punch that George\nhas received\n\ntoday. George is thrown backwards out of the door by the blow,\nand Susan slams\n\nthe door behind him.\n\n(Tenant's Committee, Florida)\n\nAround the table are the board of phase two. Morty and Jack sit\nbeside each\n\nother. Herb is chairing the meeting, and several other representatives\nare\n\npresent, some chatting with each other. Herb spots Mrs Choate\ncoming in through\n\nthe door.\n\nHERB\n...There she is. Okay, if I can have\nyour attention for a minute here.\n\nWe're calling this emergency meeting of the board of phase two,\nto consider a\n\nmotion of impeachment of our president, (indicating) Morty Seinfeld.\n\nMrs Choate sits beside Morty.\n\nMORTY\nNervous, Jack?\n\nJACK\nWhat for?\n\nMORTY\nBecause I have the votes.\n\nMorty turns to Mrs Choate.\n\nMORTY\nNice to see you, Mrs Choate.\n\nMRS. CHOATE\nHello, Morty.\n\nJack looks surprised at the friendliness between Morty and Mrs\nChoate.\n\nHERB\nBuilding A. Are you for, or against,\nthe motion to impeach?\n\nRALPH\nWhat does that mean?\n\nHERB\nIt means, if you're for the motion,\nyou're against Morty.\n\nRALPH\nSo why don't you say that?\n\nHERB\nHey, I'm running the meeting.\n\nRALPH\nIf you think so.\n\nHERB\nBuilding A?\n\nBUILDING A\nFor impeachment.\n\nHERB\nBuilding B?\n\nBUILDING B\nAgainst impeachment.\n\nHERB\nBuilding C?\n\nBUILDING C\nFor impeachment.\n\nHERB\nBuilding D?\n\nMRS. CHOATE\nAgainst impeachment.\n\nJACK\n(a whisper to Morty) I can't believe\nyou got that old bag.\n\nMrs Choate overhears Jack's comment, and it stirs a memory. She\nthinks back.\n\n(New York Street, \"The Rye\")\n\nJerry and Mrs Choate struggle for possession of a bag containing\na marble rye.\n\nMRS. CHOATE\nHelp! Someone help!\n\nJERRY\nShut up, you old bag!\n\nJerry wrests the bag from Mrs Choate and takes off down the street.\n\nMRS. CHOATE\n(after Jerry) Oh, thief! Thief!\n\n(Tenant's Committee, Florida)\n\nMrs Choate wears a look of shocked realisation. She stands and\naddresses Morty.\n\nMRS. CHOATE\nIt's him. (pointing at Morty) It's your\nson. Now I know where I saw\n\nhim. He stole my marble rye.\n\nMORTY\nMy son never stole anything. He's a\ngood boy.\n\nRALPH\nThey should lock him up.\n\nMRS. CHOATE\n(pointing at Morty) Like father, like\nson. (thumps table) I change\n\nmy vote. I vote to impeach!\n\nBUILDING B\nMe too. I change my vote.\n\nHERB\nAll those in favour, say aye.\n\nALL\nAye.\n\nHERB\nAll opposed.\n\nMorty forlornly raises his hand.\n\nHERB\nThe ayes have it. The motion passes.\n\nJack smiles a big smug smile of triumph, aimed at Morty.\n\nHERB\nMorty Seinfeld, you are officially dismissed\nas condo president. As\n\nvice-president, Jack Klompus, in accordance with the phase two\nconstitution, is\n\nhereby installed as president.\n\nJack stands to acknowledge the honour.\n\nHERB\nHear, hear, Jack.\n\nJack raises a hand in salute, as the rest of the board applaud\nhim. A\n\ndisgruntled Morty remains silent.\n\n(Hall Outside Jerry's Apartment)\n\nA weary looking Nick, the cable guy, leans against Kramer's door.\nHe knocks and\n\nthere's no response.\n\nNICK\n(weary) Alright, I know you're in there.\nI know you can hear me. You win,\n\nokay? You win. I can't do it any more. What d'you want from me?\nApology?\n\nAlright, I'm sorry. There, I said it, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I\nsee now how we\n\nmade you feel when we made you sit home waiting. I dunno why\nwe do it. (upset) I\n\nguess maybe we just kind of enjoy taking advantage of people.\n(reasonable) Well,\n\nthat's gonna change. From now on, no more 'nine to twelve', no\nmore 'one to\n\nfive'. We're gonna have appointments. Eleven o'clock is gonna\nmean eleven\n\no'clock. And, if we can't make it, we're gonna call you, tell\nyou why. (worked\n\nup) For god's sakes, if a doctor can do it, why can't we? (almost\nsobbing)\n\nAnyway, that's it.\n\nThe cable guy sighs, and begins to walk away. Kramer's door opens,\nand Kramer\n\nemerges. He and Nick look at each other apologetically for a\nfew seconds. Then\n\nKramer steps forward and they hug.\n\n(Morty and Helen's, Florida)\n\nMorty comes in from the bedroom, looking around at his home.\nHelen holds his\n\ncoat as he slips into it. She adjusts his collar and hands him\na blue hat. Jerry\n\nenters through the front door.\n\nJERRY\nThe bags are in the car, I guess we\nbetter go.\n\nJerry leads the way, followed by Helen, who folds a coat over\nher arm. Morty\n\nwaits a second or two, having a final look round the room. He\nstands by the\n\ndoor, then steels himself. Giving a determined nod, he exits,\nclosing the door\n\nbehind him.\n\n(Outside Morty and Helen's, Florida)\n\nThe Seinfelds walk, three abreast, toward the Cadillac. As they\nwalk, they pass\nthe other residents, who have come to see them off. They nod\nacknowledgement. As\nthey get to the car, Helen and Jerry get in, but Morty stands\nin the open door\nof the Cadillac, turns to the assembled throng and gives a big\nsmile, and\narms-wide gesture (like Nixon leaving the White House), before\nclimbing into the\ncar. The residents wave back, one or two of them in tears, and\nMorty slowly drives the Cadillac away.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Shower-Head.html",
    "text": "THE SHOWER HEAD\n\nWritten by\n\nPeter Mehlman & Marjorie Gross\n\n(Elaine in a doctor's office)\n\nELAINE\nMr. Peterman sent me over here for a\nphysical because as you may or may not\nknow, he and I are going on a trip to\nKenya. Africa. My first such mission\nfor the company. The Massai bushmen\nwear these great sandals and we're gonna\nknock them off. Not the Massai, the\nsandals.\n\nDOCTOR\nI'll need a urine sample.\n\nELAINE\nRight.\n\nGeorge, Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know how hot it gets there? Like\n150 degrees. Your skin is gonna be simmering\nwith boils.\n\nELAINE\nOh, Come on.\n\nJERRY\nHey George, you coming to the Tonight\nShow on Thursday?\n\nGEORGE\nHey, yeah. My parents want to come too,\nis that ok?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, sure. My parents will be there.\n\nELAINE\nThe Tonight Show?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, they're in town this week, you\nwanna go?\n\nELAINE\nAre you doing new material?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nELAINE\nI don't think so.\n\nKramer enters.\n\nKRAMER\nHey. Super's in my bathroom changing\nmy shower head. Have they\n\nchanged your shower head?\n\nJERRY\nNo, he's doing mine next. They're low\nflow you know.\n\nKRAMER\nLow flow? Well I don't like the sound\nof that.\n\nKramer exits.\n\nELAINE\nSo what are your parents doing here\nin new York?\n\nJERRY\nWell, they were humiliated. I mean after\nthe impeachment, my father\n\nleft office in disgrace.\n\nELAINE\nSo what are their plans?\n\nJERRY\nWell, this is the problem. They're moving\ninto this new development.\n\nHere's the pamphlet. Del Boca Vista. But they're not quite ready\nto go back so\n\nthey're in seclusion here for a while at Uncle Leo's.\n\nELAINE\nYou mean the three of them in that tiny\napartment?\n\nJERRY\nNo, Leo's not there. He's got a girlfriend,\nLydia. In fact, he moved\n\nin with her.\n\nGEORGE\nUncle Leo's having regular sex?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I know. It devalues the whole\nthing.\n\nJERRY\nHello?\n\nMORTY\nJerry, what time do we have to be at\nthe the Tonight Show on Thursday.\n\nJERRY\nYou gotta be there at 4:30.\n\nMORTY\nBut it comes on 11:30.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, well they tape it in the afternoon\nand then they air it at 11:30.\n\nMORTY\nHow long they been doing this?\n\nJERRY\n30 years.\n\nMORTY\nHelen, did you know that they tape this\nthing in the afternoon?\n\nJERRY\nAll right, I'll see you later.\n\nELAINE\nGeorgie, how come your parents never\nmoved to Florida?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, that is odd, isn't it?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, it is.\n\nGEORGE\nI mean, they're retired.\n\nJERRY\nNo economic reason for them to be here.\n\nGEORGE\nThey have no friends.\n\nJERRY\nNo social reason for them to be here.\n\nELAINE\nYou're all grown up.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, they're all through ruining my\nlife. What the hell are they\n\nstill doing here? Lemme see this pamphlet. Hm. All right, so\nI'll, uh, get back\n\nto you.\n\nGeorge exits with the Del Boca Vista pamphlet.\n\nJERRY\nHello?\n\nHELEN\nWhere can I buy some ice? Your father\nlikes a lot of ice.\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, maybe get an ice tray?\n\nHELEN\nI can do that.\n\nJERRY\nYou know Dad just called me.\n\nHELEN\nYeah, I know. His phlebitis is acting\nup.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, all right, well I got some people\nhere.\n\nHELEN\nOk.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, bye. (to Elaine): You see\nthis? Any thought pops into their\n\nhead they're calling me because it's a local call now.\n\nELAINE\nAhh.\n\nJERRY\nI'm used to a 1200 mile buffer zone.\nI can't handle this. Plus I got\n\nthe dinners, I got the pop ins. They pop in! It's brutal!\n\nELAINE\nThey have no idea when they're going\nback to Florida?\n\nJERRY\nThe only way out of this is if Leo breaks\nup with his girlfriend and has\n\nto move back into the apartment and then they would have to go\nback to Florida.\n\nELAINE\nHow's that gonna happen?\n\nJerry and Uncle Leo at Monk's coffee shop.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nIt's about time you called your uncle.\nWe've got to do this once a\n\nweek.\n\nJERRY\nOnce a week? So how's Lydia?\n\nUNCLE LEO\nAh, she's a real tiger.\n\nJERRY\nI don't know how you do it.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nA man like you, limiting yourself to\none woman, I don't know. But it's\n\nnone of my business.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nJERRY\nWell...\n\nUNCLE LEO\nLook at this, I told them medium rare,\nit's medium.\n\nJERRY\nHey, it happens.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nI bet that cook is an anti-Semite.\n\nJERRY\nHe has no idea who you are.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nThey don't just overcook a hamburger,\nJerry.\n\nJERRY\nAll right. Anyway, the point I was making\nbefore Goerbbles made your\n\nhamburger is a man like you could be dating women twenty years\nyounger. C'mon\n\nUncle Leo, I've seen the way women look at you. When's the last\ntime you looked\n\nin a mirror? You're an Adonis! You've got beautiful features,\nlovely skin,\n\nyou're in the prime of your life here, you should be swinging.\nIf I were you\n\nI'd tell this Lydia character, \"It's been real,\" move back into\nthat bachelor\n\npad and put out a sign; Open for business.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nBelieve me, I thought about it. But\nshe is so perfect in every way,\n\nI can't see a flaw.\n\nJERRY\nWell, keep looking.\n\nElaine and Mr. Peterman at work.\n\nPETERMAN\nI'm afraid I have some bad news, Elaine.\nIt appears you will not be\n\naccompanying me to Africa.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? Why not?\n\nPETERMAN\nI'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine.\nYou tested positive for opium.\n\nELAINE\nOpium?\n\nPETERMAN\nThat's right, Elaine. White lotus. Yam-yam.\nShanghai Sally.\n\nELAINE\nIhat's impossible, I've never done a\ndrug in my life. Dr. Strugatz\n\nmust have made a mistake.\n\nPETERMAN\nNot a chance. I'm afraid I'll just have\nto find someone else to\n\naccompany me on my journey. The dark continent is no place for\nan addict,\n\nElaine.\n\nELAINE\nObviously, Mr. Peterman, there's something\nwrong with this test. I\n\ndon't take opium. Let me take another one, please? I'll call\nthe doctor right\n\nnow, I'll take a pop urine test.\n\nPETERMAN\nAll right, Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nOh, thank you Mr. Peterman. (Drinks\na glass of water) I'll be ready\n\nin three minutes.\n\nGeorge and his parents at their home in Queens.\n\nGEORGE\nWhew! Boy, it's cold outside, huh? Oh,\nthese New York winters, huh.\n\nBitter cold, bitter.\n\nFRANK\nI was out for five minutes before, I\ncouldn't feel my extremities.\n\nESTELLE\nWhat extremities?\n\nGEORGE\nYou know what the temperature in Florida\nis today? Eh? Seventy-nine.\n\nThat's almost eighty. Yeah, I read someplace the life expectancy\nin Florida is\n\neighty-one and in Queens, seventy-three.\n\nESTELLE\nSo George, why are you here?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, I can't stop by and visit my parents?\n(Drops pamphlet on coffee\n\ntable)\n\nESTELLE\nWhat's this.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's where the Seinfeld's are moving.\nThey got a great deal. Yep.\n\nYou know what they got in Florida? Jai-Alai! You bet on the games,\nyou clean\n\nup.\n\nESTELLE\nI don't bet.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about the dolphins? You could swim\nwith the dolphins down there.\n\nESTELLE\nI don't swim.\n\nGEORGE\nYou could pet them. They come right\nout of the water onto the\n\nsidewalks.\n\nESTELLE\nAre you trying to get rid of us?\n\nGEORGE\nRid? Nah, c'mon, the word is 'care'.\nCare. I care about your\n\ncomfort, be it here in Queens or twelve-hundred miles away.\n\nElaine, back in the doctor's office. The doctor is consulting\na chart and\n\nshaking his head no.\n\nELAINE\nNo?\n\nThe doctor hands Elaine the chart, she looks at it in astonishment.\n\nJerry's apartment. Kramer walks in, his trademark 'high hair'\nis flat.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry? Jerry!\n\nJerry walks in from the back room, his hair is also flat.\n\nKRAMER\nWha, you too?\n\nJERRY\nYeah!\n\nKRAMER\nThese showers are horrible. There's\nno pressure, I can't get the\n\nshampoo out of my hair.\n\nJERRY\nMe either.\n\nKRAMER\nIf I don't have a good shower I am not\nmyself. I feel weak and\n\nineffectual. I'm not Kramer.\n\nJERRY\nYou? What about me? I got the Tonight\nShow tonight. I'm gonna have to\n\nshower in the dressing room.\n\nKRAMER\nAw.\n\nJERRY\nWhere are you going?\n\nKRAMER\nI gotta find another shower.\n\nHallway outside Newman's apartment. Kramer knocks on Newman's\ndoor. Newman\n\nanswers, with flat hair.\n\nKRAMER\nThey got you too?\n\nNEWMAN\nThis stuff is awful! I'm not Newman!\n\nKramer backs away then runs down the hall.\n\nElaine's office, Kramer rushes in.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, Elaine. Yeah.\n\nELAINE\nKramer, you look terrible.\n\nKRAMER\nLook, I need the keys to your apartment,\nI gotta take a shower.\n\nELAINE\nWhat's wrong with your shower?\n\nKRAMER\nThere's no water pressure.\n\nELAINE\nWhy don't you just go see Jerry?\n\nJust as Kramer is about to answer, Mr. Peterman walks past Elaine's\nopen office\n\ndoor and pauses.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry's got nothing. Newman's got nothing.\nYou're the only one I know\n\nwho's got the good stuff, and I need it bad, baby, cause I feel\nlike I got bugs\n\ncrawling up my skin. Now you gotta help me out.\n\nPETERMAN\nNot on my watch! (Grabs Kramer by the\ncollar) I won't\n\nhave you turning my office into a den of iniquity! Get your fix\nsomewhere else!\n\n(Throws Kramer out and slams the door closed)\n\nELAINE\nMr Peterman! What are you doing?\n\nPETERMAN\nElaine, you're out of control. You need\nhelp.\n\nELAINE\nHuh?\n\nPETERMAN\nI know what you're going through. I\ntoo once fell under the spell of\n\nopium. It was 1979. I was travelling the Yangtzee in search of\na Mongolian\n\nhorsehair vest. I had got to the market after sundown, all of\nthe clothing\n\ntraders had gone, but a different sort of trader still lurked\nabout. \"Just a\n\ntaste,\" he said. That was all it took.\n\nELAINE\nMr. Peterman, I don't know what's going\non here. I am not addicted to\n\nanything.\n\nPETERMAN\nOh, Elaine. The toll road of denial\nis a long and dangerous one.\n\ndesk. You're fired.\n\nJerry's dressing room at NBC. Jerry and his parents are there.\n\nHELEN\nAll they serve is chicken?\n\nJERRY\nThere's more food down the hall.\n\nMORTY\nWrap it up, we'll take it home.\n\nGeorge walks in with his parents.\n\nJERRY\nOh, hi.\n\nESTELLE\nHello Seinfelds.\n\nMORTY\nHello.\n\nHELEN\nHi.\n\nFRANK\nThis is your dressing room? They treat\nyou like Toscanini.\n\nESTELLE\nOh, Jerry. I don't know how you could\ndo this. I'm so nervous for\n\nyou.\n\nJERRY\nActually, I'm drunk.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, hey, how was Florida?\n\nMORTY\nWell, we just bought a new place down\nthere.\n\nESTELLE\nI know, we were looking at the brochure.\n\nMORTY\nWhat?\n\nHELEN\nWhy, you thinking of moving?\n\nFRANK\nNot really.\n\nMORTY\nBecause if you are, you shouldn't. There's\nnothing available in that\n\ndevelopment.\n\nFRANK\nAre you telling me there's not one condo\navailable in all of Del Boca\n\nVista?\n\nMORTY\nThat's right. They went like hotcakes.\n\nFRANK\nHow'd you get yours?\n\nMORTY\nGot lucky.\n\nFRANK\nAre you trying to keep us out of Del\nBoca Vista?!\n\nJERRY\nI know this doesn't seem like work to\nany of you, if you could perhaps\n\nconduct your psychopath convention down the hall, I could just\nget a little\n\npersonal space.\n\nMonk's coffee shop, Elaine is at the counter eating a muffin\nand talking with a\n\nwaitress.\n\nELAINE\nHow could I have tested positive twice?\nOnce I could understand,\n\nthat's a mistake. But twice?\n\nWAITRESS\nYeah, it's hard to figure.\n\nELAINE\nI mean I lost my job, I can't go to\nAfrica. I was gonna meet the\n\nbushmen of the Kalahari.\n\nWAITRESS\nAh, the bushmen?\n\nELAINE\nAnd the bushwomen.\n\nMAN\nExcuse me. I couldn't help overhearing.\nI\n\nnotice you're eating a poppy seed muffin.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I eat these muffins all the time.\n\nMAN\nWell, you know what opium is made from...\n\nELAINE\nPoppies!\n\nJerry is on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.\n\nJAY\nWelcome back. Talking with Jerry Seinfeld.\nJerry, lemme ask you, I saw\n\nsome people back there, they look like.. family? Is that family?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I got some family backstage. Course\nmy family's nuts; they're\n\ncrazy. Yep. My uncle Leo, (quick take of Uncle Leo in bet with\nLydia, watching\n\nJerry on TV. Lydia is laughing, Leo is not) I had lunch with\nhim the other\n\nday, he's one of these guys that anything goes wrong in life,\nhe blames it on\n\nanti-Semitism. You know what I mean, the spaghetti's not al dente?\nCook's an\n\nanti-Semite. Loses a bet on a horse. Secretariat? Anti-Semitic.\nDoesn't get\n\na good seat at the temple. Rabbi? Anti-Semite.\n\nJerry's apartment. Jerry is on the phone.\n\nJERRY\nHey, listen to this, Uncle Leo broke\nup with his girlfriend because of\n\nthe bit I did. She thought it was funny, so he accused *her*\nof being an\n\nanti-Semite. They had a huge fight and now he's moving back into\nhis apartment.\n\nYou know what this means, my parents are gonna go back to Florida...\nWhat?\n\nWhat number is this? Oh, I'm terribly sorry.\n\nKramer walks in wearing a bathrobe, his hair is still flat.\n\nJERRY\nHey Kramer, my parents are gonna have\nto move back to Florida, isn't\n\nthat great?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well I'm really happy for ya.\n\nJERRY\nHey, you're not giving it to me, man.\nWhat's wrong?\n\nKRAMER\nI just took a bath, Jerry. A bath?\n\nJERRY\nNo good?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's disgusting. I'm sitting there in\na tepid pool of my own filth.\n\nAll kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms having sex all\naround me.\n\nJERRY\nWell, you used to sit in that hot tub?\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, that was superheated water, nothing\ncould live in that.\n\nJERRY\nChicken?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah.\n\nElaine enters.\n\nELAINE\nWell, this you're not gonna believe.\nI found out why I was testing\n\npositive for opium. Poppy seeds!\n\nJERRY\nPoppy seeds!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, that makes sense. (Offers plate\nto Elaine) Want some chicken?\n\nELAINE\nYeah. Thanks. So, I'm gonna get tested\nagain later, hopefully I'll\n\nget my job back and I will be on my way to Africa.\n\nThere's a knock at the door, Jerry answers it, it's Newman.\n\nJERRY\nHello Newman.\n\nNEWMAN\nHello Jerry. Well, I may have a solution\nto our little problem.\n\nElaine, would you excuse us?\n\nELAINE\nOh c'mon, Newman.\n\nNEWMAN\nI have a private matter to discuss with\nmy fellow tenants. (Opens\n\ndoor) If you don't mind?\n\nELAINE\nJerry?\n\nNEWMAN\nLook, sister, go get yourself a cup\nof coffee, all right? Beat it!\n\n(Pushes Elaine out the door and closes it) All right, now here's\nthe lowdown.\n\nFrom a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black\nmarket shower\n\nheads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia, and from what\nI hear the\n\nSerbs are fanatic about their showers.\n\nJERRY\nNot from the footage I've seen.\n\nNEWMAN\nNevertheless, sometime this afternoon,\nbehind the Market Diner, an\n\nunmarked van will be waiting. I'm expecting the call at any time.\nAre you in?\n\nKRAMER\nI'm down.\n\nNEWMAN\nJerry?\n\nJerry nods reluctantly.\n\nFrank and Estelle's house.\n\nESTELLE\nSo, Georgie, we have some big news for\nyou.\n\nGEORGE\nBig news?\n\nESTELLE\nWe're moving to Florida.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat? You're moving to Florida!?! That's\nwonderful! I'm\n\nso happy! (pause) For you! I'm so happy for you! Oh, what do\nyou need this\n\ncold weather for?\n\nFRANK\nHas nothing to do with the weather,\nit's because of the Seinfelds.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat do you mean?\n\nFRANK\nThey don't want us there, so we're going.\nWe're moving right into Del\n\nBoca Vista!\n\nGEORGE\nSo you're moving there for spite!\n\nFRANK\nAbsolutely. No one tells Frank Costanza\nwhat to do!\n\nGEORGE\nThat's right, who the hell are they?\nHow dare they?!\n\nESTELLE\nSo, Georgie, are you gonna come to visit\nus?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, every chance I get.\n\nESTELLE\nOhhh.\n\nGeorge busts into Jerry's apartment.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry? Jerry! I'm busting! I'm busting!\n\nJERRY\nWhat's going on?\n\nGEORGE\nMy parents are moving to Florida!\n\nJERRY\nAre you kidding?\n\nGEORGE\nCan you believe it? It's happening!\nIt's finally happening! I'm\n\nfree!!\n\nJERRY\nWhere are they moving to?\n\nGEORGE\nDel Boca Vista!\n\nJERRY\nDel Boca Vista, that's where my parents\nare gonna live!\n\nGEORGE\nI know!\n\nJERRY\nWe could visit together!\n\nGEORGE\nEvery five years!\n\nThey 'high five' each other.\n\nJERRY\nThat's incredible!\n\nGEORGE\nI know, I know and you know *why* they're\nmoving there?\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nGEORGE\nTo spite your parents!\n\nJERRY\nTo spite my parents?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah!\n\nJERRY\nYour parents are crazy!\n\nGEORGE\nI know, they're out of their minds!\nIt's fantastic!\n\nJERRY\nMy parents are moving back too!\n\nGEORGE\nBeautiful!\n\nHelen and Morty, packing up in Uncle Leo's apartment.\n\nMORTY\nI'm sorry Leo's moving back here. I'm\nnot ready to go back to Florida.\n\nHELEN\nHe was getting along so well with that\nwoman, what happened?\n\nMorty shrugs, the phone rings, Morty answers.\n\nMORTY\nHello?\n\nVOICE\nThis is Frank Costanza.\n\nMORTY\nWhat do you want?\n\nFRANK\nYou think you could keep us out of Florida?\nWe're moving in lock, stock\n\nand barrel. We're gonna be in the pool. We're gonna be in the\nclubhouse.\n\nWe're gonna be all over that shuffleboard court! And I dare you\nto keep me out!\n\nFrank hangs up, Morty hangs up.\n\nMORTY\nI'm sorry, we can't go back to Florida.\n\nJerry's apartment, Jerry and George are toasting their good fortune.\n\nGEORGE\nI can't believe I didn't push for this\nsooner.\n\nJERRY\nYou have no idea how your life is gonna\nimprove as a result of this.\n\nFood tastes better. The air seems fresher. You'll have more energy\nand self\n\nconfidence than you ever dreamed of.\n\nThe phone rings, Jerry answers.\n\nJERRY\nHello.\n\nMORTY\nHello, Jerry? It's your father.\n\nJERRY\nOh, hi dad.\n\nMORTY\nListen, is it all right if we move in\nwith you for a little while?\n\nSounds of breaking glass, Jerry dropped his bottle.\n\nMORTY\nWhat was that?\n\nJERRY\nNothing. A bottle broke. That's all.\nWhat do you mean, you're gonna\n\nmove in here?\n\nMORTY\nBecause the Costanzas are moving into\nDel Boca Vista.\n\nJERRY\nBut it's a big complex.\n\nMORTY\nYou don't understand, you gotta have\na buffer zone.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, fine. Come over here. (Hangs\nup phone)\n\nGEOPRGE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nThey're not going back to Florida. They're\nmoving here.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat? Why?\n\nJERRY\nBecause your parents are going down\nthere. My buffer zone just went\n\nfrom twelve hundred miles down to two feet! You gotta do something.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, I'm sorry, you had your buffer\nzone for many years. It's my turn\n\nto live, baby.\n\nJERRY\nYou know what you're doing, don't you?\nYou're killing Independent\n\nJerry! I gotta go see my Uncle Leo. I think he may have made\na big mistake.\n\nMonk's coffee shop, Jerry and Uncle Leo are sharing a booth.\n\nLEO\nMove back with Lydia?\n\nJERRY\nC'mon, you're lucky to have anybody.\n\nLEO\nLast week you told me I was in my prime,\nI should be swinging.\n\nJERRY\nSwinging? What are you, out of your\nmind? Look at you, you're\n\ndisgusting. You're bald, you're paunchy, all kinds of sounds\nare emanating from\n\nyour body twenty-four hours a day. If there's a woman that can\ntake your\n\npresence for more than ten consecutive seconds, you should hang\non to her like\n\ngrim death. Which is not far off, by the way.\n\nLEO\nBut she's an anti-Semite.\n\nJERRY\nCan you blame her?\n\nHelen and Morty are unpacking in Jerry's apartment.\n\nHELEN\nYou don't think he minds us staying\nhere, do you?\n\nMORTY\nWhy would he mind? We're his parents.\n\nElaine walks in picking her teeth, she didn't expect to see Jerry's\nparents.\n\nELAINE\nOh.\n\nHELEN\nHi Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nHello. Jerry's not here?\n\nHELEN\nNo.\n\nELAINE\nHuh. (pause) Oh my god.\n\nHELEN\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nA poppy seed! It must have been in the\nchicken. Oh, I'm dead. I'm\n\ngoing to the doctor's in a half an hour.\n\nHELEN\nWhy?\n\nELAINE\nIt's a long story.\n\nHELEN\nJust a second, I have to go to the bathroom.\n\nELAINE\nWhat are you gonna do in there?\n\nHELEN\nWhat am I gonna do in the bathroom?\n\nELAINE\nYou gotta do me a favor.\n\nHELEN\nElaine, I really--\n\nELAINE\nHold on a second. Mrs. Seinfeld, I need\nyour sample.\n\nHELEN\nYou want my urine?\n\nELAINE\nI need a clean urine sample from a woman.\n\nHELEN\nI don't know.\n\nELAINE\nOh please, Mrs. Seinfeld, please?\n\nHELEN\nWell, what am I gonna do it in?\n\nELAINE\nWell, one of those glasses.\n\nHELEN\nJerry's glasses?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, he won't mind. C'mon, you're his\nmom.\n\nHelen, Oh, I could uh-- Should I use a coffee cup?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, a coffee cup's fine.\n\nHELEN\nOr maybe a juice glass.\n\nELAINE\nYes, fine, fine, a juice glass is perfect.\n\nHELEN\nThis one is kind of scratched.\n\nELAINE\nIt doesn't matter.\n\nHELEN\nHowbout A milk glass.\n\nELAINE\nA milk glass, a juice glass, any glass,\njust pick a glass.\n\nHELEN\nJerry doesn't wash these very well.\n\nELAINE\nMrs. Seinfeld, pick a glass! Pick a\nglass, Mrs. Seinfeld!\n\nKramer, Newman and a 'salesman' are at the back of a van in an\nalley.\n\nSALESMAN\nAll right, I got everything here. I\ngot the Cyclone F series, Hydra\n\nJet Flow, Stockholm Superstream, you name it.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you recommend?\n\nSALESMAN\nWhat are you looking for?\n\nKRAMER\nPower, man. Power.\n\nNEWMAN\nLike Silkwood.\n\nKRAMER\nThat's for radiation.\n\nNEWMAN\nThat's right.\n\nKRAMER\nNow, what is this?\n\nSALESMAN\nThat's the Commando 450, I don't sell\nthat one. What about thi-\n\nKRAMER\nWell that's what we want, the Commando\n450.\n\nSalesman, Nah, believe me. It's only used in the circus. For\nelephants.\n\nNEWMAN\nWe'll pay anything. We've got the (hands\na wad of money to Kramer)\n\nWhat about Jerry?\n\nKRAMER\nHe couldn't handle that, he's delicate.\n\nHelen and Morty are unpacking in Uncle Leo's apartment.\n\nHELEN\nIt's nice being back at Leo's Jerry's\nplace was too small.\n\nMORTY\nFirst Leo breaks up, then he goes back.\nWhat the hell's going on?\n\nThere's a knock at the door.\n\nMORTY\nWho is it?\n\nSUPER\nIt's the super. We're installing new\nlow-flow showerheads in all the\n\nbathrooms.\n\nMORTY\nLow flow? I don't like the sound of\nthat.\n\nMr. Peterman, in his office, on the telephone.\n\nPETERMAN\nSo as a result of your test being free\nof opium, I am reinstating you.\n\nELAINE\nOh! Yes! What a load off. So when are\nwe going to Africa?\n\nPETERMAN\nI'm afraid I can't take you.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? Why not?\n\nPETERMAN\nElaine, according to your urine analysis,\nyou're menopausal. you\n\nhave the metabolism of a sixty-eight year old woman.\n\nELAINE\nBut I wanted to see the bushmen.\n\nPETERMAN\nOh, and one more thing. You may have\nosteoporosis.\n\nJerry is seeing his parents off as the cab driver loads their\nbags. They have\n\nflat hair.\n\nJERRY\nWell, it's been a great visit.\n\nMORTY\nJerry, I'll tell ya. The first thing\nI'm gonna do when I get back to\n\nFlorida is take a shower.\n\nJERRY\nWell, at least the Costanzas changed\ntheir mind and decided not to move.\n\nThey couldn't bear being away from George.\n\nHELEN\nGeorge must be happy about that.\n\nJERRY\nYou have no idea.\n\nGeorge's parents' house, George is sitting on the couch between\nFrank and Estelle, he's obviously disappointed.\n\nFRANK\nTake my swim trunks. I won't need them.\n\nESTELLE\nWhat does he want with your swim trunks?\n\nFRANK\nWhy should they go to waste?!?\n\nKramer, in the shower, he's got the Commando 450 shower head\nhooked up. He\nturns it on, the water shoots out full blast and knocks him backwards.\nHe grabs\nthe shower curtain for support and tries to reach forward to\nturn the faucet\noff, but the force of the water is too great, he only succeeds\nin knocking over\na few shampoo bottles. Kramer is eventually pushed back enough\nby the water to\nbecome entangled in the shower curtain until he eventually falls\nout of the\nshower, and out of camera range.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Doll.html",
    "text": "THE DOLL\n\nWritten by\n\nTom Gammill & Max Pross\n\n(Comedy club)\n\n(Jerry is just now getting done with his act)\n\nJERRY\nThank you! Goodnight! (Walks off stage,\nsighing deeply. Instantly, a red-headed\nwoman runs up and hugs him - taking\nJerry by surprise)\n\nSALLY\nJerry!\n\nJERRY\n(Trying to ward her off) Hey. Hey!\n\nSALLY\n(Reminding him who she is) Sally Weaver!\n(Sees Jerry's expression - he still\nhas no clue who she is) Susan Ross'\nroommate from college.. hello! (Laughs\nslightly)\n\nJERRY\nRight.. Oh, I'm sorry. Uh, oh, so you\nsaw the show?\n\nSALLY\nSaw it? I loved it! And thank you for\nthe free tickets. You are so funny.\n\nJERRY\n(Modest) Oh, thanks.\n\nSALLY\n(Serious) No, no, I mean it. You're\nvery funny.\n\nJERRY\n(Blunt) I believe you.\n\nSALLY\nOh, anyway, let me show you Memphis.\nI am taking you (Points to him) out\nto dinner.\n\nJERRY\n(Grabbing his coat) Oh, I'm sorry, I\ncan't - I'm going straight to the airport.\n\nSALLY\nOhh.. that's too bad.. Susan thought\nwe'd really get along - I guess because\nwe're both wacko! (Jerry laughs) You\nknow what, um.. (Turns around, picking\nup a large gift from a table) You have\nto give this to them for me. Okay? Here.\n(Hands the box to Jerry, he struggles\nunder the size of it) It's a wedding\npresent.\n\nJERRY\nOh?\n\nSALLY\nAnd Jerry? Be careful with it, okay?\nBe very careful.\n\nJERRY\nUh-huh.\n\n(The Coffee shop)\n\n(George and his father, Frank, are sitting at a booth)\n\nFRANK\nGeorge, as you may be aware, your mother\nand I are not moving to Del Boca Vista,\nFlorida.\n\nGEORGE\n(Resenting the fact. Nodding) I am aware.\n\nFRANK\nSo, I was wondering, would it be okay\nif I turned your room into a billiard\nparlor?\n\nGEORGE\nA billiard parlor?\n\nFRANK\nRegulation table, the hi-fi, maybe even\na bar.. Give it real authenticity..\n\n(Elaine enters. George spots her in mid-sentence)\n\nGEORGE\nWell, that's.. Elaine!\n\nELAINE\nOh, hi, Frank.\n\nGEORGE\n(Sliding over to make room for her)\nSit down. Join us, please.\n\nELAINE\n(Trying to come up with an excuse not\nto sit with them) Actually, I gotta\nget to the.. uh.. thing.\n\nGEORGE\n(Somewhat stern) Oh, the thing's cancelled.\nSit down.\n\nELAINE\n(Giving up) Okay.. (Sits, George laughs)\nSo.. (Trying to think up something to\ntalk about) Frank, did George ever show\nyou that photo?\n\nGEORGE\n(Confused) What photo?\n\nELAINE\nYou know, the photo I took in Tuscany\nof the little man in front of the sign\nthat said \"Costanza\"?\n\nFRANK\n(Interested) There's a Costanza in Tuscany?\n(Elaine nods) Did he look like me? Did\nyou talk to him?\n\nELAINE\nI didn't talk to anyone - I was just\nwalking by, and I saw the sign, and\nI thought George might get a kick out\nof it.\n\nFRANK\nI gotta get that picture - it could\nbe my cousin, Carlo.\n\nELAINE\nWho is that?\n\nGEORGE\n(Muttering out, not really wanting to\ntalk about his family) When the Costanzas\ncame here, one brother stayed behind.\n\nFRANK\nI played with him every day until the\nage of four - and then we separated.\n\nELAINE\nSo, you weren't born here?\n\nFRANK\nNo. That's why I can never be president..\nIt always irked me. That's why, even\nat an early age, I had no interest in\npolitics. I refuse to vote. (Yelling\nout) They don't want me, I don't want\nthem!\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know what you're getting all\nriled up about. There are probably a\nmillion Costanzas-\n\nFRANK\n(Cutting him off) Don't bring me down.\n(To Elaine) Do you have another copy\nof that photo?\n\nELAINE\nNo, I, I don't. But.. Well, the Maestro\nmight.\n\nFRANK\nThe Maestro? What Maestro?\n\nELAINE\nHe's this guy that I went to Tuscany\nwith. He's a great guy, but I just wouldn't\nfeel comfortable calling him.\n\nGEORGE\nReally? Why?\n\nELAINE\n(Explaining) Because he hasn't called\nme since we got back.. I spilled wine\non his 8 by 10 photo of one of his favorite\nItalian opera stars.\n\nGEORGE\nWho?\n\nELAINE\nYou know the Three Tenors?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.. (Trying to remember) Poverotti..\nDomingo.. and.. uh.. the other guy.\n\nELAINE\n(Nodding) The other guy.\n\n(Airplane)\n\n(Jerry's flying to NY. On his lap is Sally's present and his\npersonal bag. He's trying to read a magazine while a stewardess\napproaches him)\n\nSTEWARDESS\n(Overly nice) Could I take that box\nfor you?\n\nJERRY\nUh.. well, you better not. I'm supposed\nto be careful with it.\n\nSTEWARDESS\nOh, then, I'll have to put your bag\nin the over-head.\n\nJERRY\nOh, okay..\n\n(The stewardess takes the bag, and crams it into the over-head\ncompartment. The sound of glass breaking can be heard)\n\nSTEWARDESS\nThere we go.\n\n(Jerry gives a face of pure dissatisfaction)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Kramer enters while Jerry's unpacking. The clothes in his suitcase\nare covered in bar-b-que sauce)\n\nJERRY\nOhh.. look at this..\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nI bought a bottle of BBQ sauce in Memphis.\nI think the stewardess broke it when\nshe tried to jam it into the overhead\ncompartment because of this (Gestures\nto Sally's present) stupid thing.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, don't press the panic button.\nI'm sure that we can still salvage some\nsauce..\n\nJERRY\nI don't care about the sauce. It came\nin this funny little bottle, and there\nwas a guy on the label that looked exactly\nlike Charles Grodin.\n\nKRAMER\n(Taking some of Jerry's clothing over\nto the kitchen) I see..\n\nJERRY\nNo, you don't see - because I'm going\non the show this week, and this was\ngoing to be my bit on the show.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, why don't you do your material?\n\nJERRY\nI'm out.\n\nKRAMER\n(Looking up, sighs) Well, you better\nget to work.\n\nJERRY\n(Sarcastic) Thanks for the tip.\n\n(George enters)\n\nGEORGE\nHey, buddies.\n\nJERRY\nHey. Hey, this is for you. (Taps the\ngift) It's from.. uh, Susan's roommate,\nSally.\n\nGEORGE\nOh yeah.. (Starts to open it) Sally\ncalled Susan - said you guys really\nhit it off.\n\nJERRY\n(Annoyed at the thought) Nobody hit\nanything off. She just gave me the box.\n(Looks over at Kramer. He is scraping\nthe BBQ sauce off Jerry's clothes with\na knife, then dipping some bread into\nit) What the hell are you doing?\n\nKRAMER\n(Looks up) I'm salvaging the sauce.\nWhat's the matter with you? (Eats the\nbread)\n\n(George is still opening the gift - flinging Styrofoam peanuts\nall over the table)\n\nJERRY\n(Pleading) Hey, hey, hey. Come on, come\non.\n\nKRAMER\n(Moving out into the living room) Jerry,\nwhy don't you do a bit on Styrofoam?\n\nJERRY\nLike what?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, uh.. (Starts to impersonate Jerry's\nact) \"What is this stuff? Why do we\nneed this stuff?.. And why do they make\nit so small..?\"\n\nJERRY\n(Confused) Where's the punchline?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's all attitude.. (Makes a humorous\nface - mocking Jerry's)\n\nGOERGE\n(Taking out a mat from the huge box)\nWell, this is certainly a crappy gift..\n\nJERRY\nA door mat? That's what she had me lug\nup from Memphis?!\n\nGEORGE\nPretty chintzy, huh? Considering the\nmoney she makes.. She's a big executive\nfor Federal Express.\n\nJERRY\nFederal Express?! Is she out of her\nmind? Why didn't she just ship it?!\n\nKRAMER\nLook, it's personalized. (Holds it up,\nreading) \"The Costanzas\"\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no. Forget it. I don't want it.\nLet's just get rid of it.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, maybe your father would be interested\nin that.\n\nGEORGE\nI doubt it. You know what he's doing\nnow? He's putting a pool table in my\nold bedroom.\n\nKRAMER\n(Interested) Oh yeah? Well, maybe I'll\ngo out there and knock a few balls around\nwith him. You know, show him a thing\nor two..\n\n(George's old bedroom)\n\n(The room is remodeled into a billiard room. The pool table is\nobviously way too big for the room. Frank and Kramer are chalking\nup their sticks)\n\nKRAMER\nSo, what's your game? What do you like\nto play?\n\nFRANK\nEight ball.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, nothing doing. Let's, you and me,\nplay a game of straight pool.. hmm?\n\nFRANK\nYou like to gamble, Cosmo?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, now and then - you know how it\nis..\n\nFRANK\nFive dollars a game, huh?\n\nKRAMER\nI'll break.\n\nFRANK\nOkay.\n\n(Kramer goes to pull back his pool stick, but it is stopped short\nby the wall. Scene cuts to a montage with multiple scenes involving\nhumorous accounts of their trying to play in such a tiny room)\n\n(George and Susan's apartment)\n\n(Susan has boxes in the living room, and is setting up some of\nher items around the apartment)\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's all this?\n\nSUSAN\nOh, I'm just moving in some more of\nmy stuff.\n\nGEORGE\n(Muttering to himself as he walks to\nthe bedroom) More stuff..\n\nSUSAN\n(Calling out) Oh, I put up my doll collection..\n\n(George walks into his room, and stops in his tracks. Up on the\nshelves, is a doll that looks exactly like George's mother)\n\nGEORGE\nOh my God! What is that?!\n\nSUSAN\n(Rushing in) What? What is it?\n\nGEORGE\n(Staring at the doll) This doll (Pointing)\nlooks like my mother.\n\nSUSAN\nGeorge, it's a doll.\n\nGEORGE\nI know it's a doll, but it looks like\nmy mother!\n\nSUSAN\n(Going back to the living room) Oh,\nget outta here..\n\n(George's old bedroom)\n\n(Kramer, holding the pool stick at an awkward angle, is about\nto hit the ball when Estelle enters)\n\nESTELLE\nWhat's going on in here? (Kramer hits\nthe cue ball, it jumps up from the table\nand flies off screen) Are you two still\nplaying?! You've been up here three\nhours!\n\nFRANK\nWe still haven't finished the first\ngame.\n\nESTELLE\nThe first game?!\n\nKRAMER\n(Explaining why they are doing so bad)\nWell, we're still, uh, learning the\nsubtleties of the table.\n\nFRANK\n(To Estelle) he knows the Maestro. He\ncould have the picture..\n\nESTELLE\nOh, forget about it. It's not your cousin.\n\nFRANK\n(Yelling out) You don't know that! (Estelle\nleaves, slamming the door) We're gonna\ngo see him, huh?\n\nKRAMER\n(Judging up his next move) As soon as\nthe game is over..\n\nFRANK\n(Sensing the game is going to last a\nlong time) Oh boy.\n\nKRAMER\nEleven, corner pocket. (Pulls back on\nhis stick, accidentally crashing it\ninto the window)\n\n(George and Susan's bedroom)\n\n(George and Susan are in bed. They go to kiss, but George stops\nwhen he sees the doll laying right next to Susan)\n\nGEORGE\nWhat is this thing doing here?\n\nSUSAN\nOh, I used to love to sleep with my\ndolls when I was a little girl..\n\n(Susan leans in to kiss, but George stops her again)\n\nGEORGE\nUh, I'm sorry, I can't do this..\n\nSUSAN\nWhy?\n\nGEORGE\nI feel like I'm in bed with my mother.\n\nSUSAN\nOh, stop it.\n\n(They kiss. While kissing, George tightly stuffs the doll under\nSusan's pillow -- out of sight)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Jerry enters the living room from his bathroom with his toothbrush.\nElaine is reading the paper at his table)\n\nJERRY\nHey, Elaine, you have got to buy this\nnew electric toothbrush I just got -\nthe Ori-dent.\n\nELAINE\n(Just making conversation) Oh yeah?\n\nJERRY\nOh, it's unbelievable. Every time you\nuse it you feel like you just came from\nthe dentist!\n\nELAINE\n(Mock enthusiasm) Oh, that's dynamite.\n\nJERRY\nHey, what are you doing tomorrow? You\nwant to come see me on the Charles Grodin\nshow?\n\nELAINE\nWho else is on the show?\n\nJERRY\nUh.. one of the three tenors.\n\nELAINE\n(Interested) The Three Tenors? (Stands\nup) Which one?!\n\nJERRY\nUh.. It's not Poverotti.. It's not Domingo..\n\nELAINE\n(Extremely excited) The other guy?!\n\nJERRY\n(Nodding) Yeah, the other guy.\n\nELAINE\n(Screams out in joy) My God! I can't\nbelieve the other guy's going to be\non the show!\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nELAINE\nBecause I ruined this autographed picture\nof him that belonged to the Maestro.\nYou think I can go and get his autograph?\n\nJERRY\nWhy not?\n\nELAINE\n(Extremely giddy) Wow! The other guy!\n\n(George enters. He's in a disheveled state)\n\nJERRY\nHey, you look awful.\n\nGEORGE\n(Sitting on the sofa) I'm on no sleep,\nbro.\n\nJERRY\nProblem in the bedroom?\n\nGEORGE\n(Muttering) Susan has the doll collection..\none of the dolls looks exactly like\nmy mother.. she likes to sleep with\nit.\n\n(Elaine makes a face)\n\nJERRY\nWow. You were in bed with your mother\nlast night?\n\nGEORGE\n(Long pause) ..Felt like it. I tell\nyou, this doll is pretty spooky. (Takes\noff his glasses, rubbing his eye) It's\nfreakin' me out man. And now I got to\ngo back out there and pick up this doormat.\n\nJERRY\nI thought you didn't want the doormat.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't. Susan wants to have it out\nwhen Sally comes tomorrow.\n\nJERRY\nSally? (Getting upset) Wait, wait a\nminute - She's coming to New York?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, (Smiling) Susan said you'd be\nexcited.\n\nJERRY\nExcited? I'm gonna kill her! She knew\nshe was coming here and she made me\ncarry that box?!\n\nELAINE\nWho's Sally?\n\nGEORGE\nSusan's college roommate.\n\nJERRY\nIt's because of her that bottle got\nbroke that I was going to give to Charles\nGrodin on his show.\n\nGEORGE\nSo call her up and tell her to bring\nyou another one. She'll be delighted\nto talk to you.\n\nJERRY\n(While opening a cereal box) I will\n- don't worry. (Plotting revenge) In\nfact, I'll have her bring up a whole\ncase of the stuff. It'll be really heavy.\nLet's see if she likes sitting on a\nplane with a big box on her lap!\n\nELAINE\nThat's sounds pretty juvenile.\n\nJERRY\n(Pulling out the toy from the cereal\nbox - he displays even more immaturity\nby holding it up, smiling) Hey! A dinosaur!\n\n(The Maestro's Office)\n\n(Kramer and Frank are in a meeting with the Maestro)\n\nFRANK\nHis name was Carlo Costanza. We played\ntogether everyday until I was four.\nIf I could just look through your photographs,\nmaybe I could recognize him.\n\nMAESTRO\nUnfortunately those photographs are\nat home.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, listen, if you bring 'em by, maybe\nwe could interest you in a game of pool..\nYeah, Frank here - he's got his own\nbilliard room.\n\nFRANK\n(Trying to concentrate) Yes, It's, uh,\nit's.. uh, uh.. What do you call it,\nKramer?\n\nKRAMER\nA billiard room.\n\nFRANK\nNo, not billiard.. (Scolding) Not billiards..\nit was.. Come on, already. Come on..\n\nKRAMER\n(Confused) What?\n\nFRANK\nWe call it.. the, uh..\n\nKRAMER\n(Snaps) The Place To Be!\n\nFRANK\nThe place to be! Yes! It's the place\nto be.\n\nMAESTRO\n(Agreeing to a game) Ah, then I shall\nbe there. And now, Gentlemen, (Making\ndramatic actions) if you will excuse\nme - I must prepare for the symphony.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah?\n\n(The Maestro gets up. Realizing that he isn't wearing pants,\nKramer and Frank stare in bewilderment)\n\nMAESTRO\n(Noticing the expressions) Ohh, my pants.\n(Begins putting on a near-by pair of\npants) It's an old conductor's trick\nI learned from Leonard Bernstein.\n\nKRAMER\nReally?\n\nMAESTRO\nYou keep a perfect crease by not sitting\nin them before the performance.\n\n(Kramer and Frank are obviously impressed)\n\nKRAMER\nThat's good thinking.\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(George, presenting the doll to Jerry, has his arms out in a\n'tada' gesture. Jerry has on a disgusted face)\n\nGEORGE\nYou see?.. You see?!\n\nJERRY\nWell, it doesn't look exactly like her.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, come on. If my mother keeps shrinking,\nthis is exactly what she's gonna look\nlike in ten years!\n\nJERRY\nWhy don't you just get rid of it?\n\nGEORGE\nI tried! I almost threw it down the\nincinerator, but I couldn't do it. The\nguilt was too overwhelming. (Grabs the\ndoll, opening the door to leave) Susan's\nso attached to this thing.\n\nJERRY\nWait, where are you going? Don't take\nyour dolly and go home.\n\n(George shoots him a look, then leaves. He is audible as he meets\nup with Elaine in the hallway)\n\nGEORGE\nHi, Elaine.\n\n(Elaine shrieks out in fright, then enters Jerry's doorway -\nbreathless)\n\nELAINE\nDid you see that?!\n\nJERRY\nI'm just glad it's outta here. (Elaine\nexhales deeply - getting over the scare\nof the doll. She moves into the apartment)\nWhat's that? (Pointing to a rolled up\nposter Elaine is carrying)\n\nELAINE\nOh, it's a poster of the three tenors.\n\nJERRY\nOh. (Intercom buzzes, Jerry answers\nit) Yeah?\n\nSALLY\n(Through the intercom) It's Sally.\n\nJERRY\nOh, did you bring the bar-b-que sauce?\n\nSALLY\nA whole case.\n\nJERRY\n(Letting her up) Excellent. (To Elaine)\nSo, did you buy that electric toothbrush\nI was telling you about?\n\nELAINE\n(Blunt, to the point) No.\n\nJERRY\nHow come? I told you - It's fantastic.\n\nELAINE\nEh, I like mine.\n\nJERRY\nI've had yours, I'm telling you - this\none is ten times better. Don't you believe\nme?\n\nELAINE\nI don't want it.\n\nJERRY\n(Slightly confused by her behavior)\nI don't understand this. Why wouldn't\nyou want to get something that's better\nif I'm telling you it's better? And\nit's not a little better - it's much\nbetter.\n\nELAINE\n(Not committing to the conversation)\nIt doesn't matter to me.\n\n(A knock on the door)\n\nJERRY\nCome in.\n\n(Sally enters with a medium-sized box)\n\nSALLY\n(Peppy) Well, here I am!\n\nJERRY\nOh, hi. Elaine, this is Sally.\n\nELAINE\nHi.\n\nJERRY\nHow was your flight? (Wishful thinking)\nPretty uncomfortable?\n\nSALLY\n(Setting the box down on his table)\nActually, the seat next to me was empty,\nso, there was no problem at all.\n\nJERRY\n(Let down) Oh.. (Starts to open the\nbox) Oh, wait.. (Holding up one of the\nBBQ jars) This isn't the sauce that\nI asked for!\n\nSALLY\nThat's right. It's a special gourmet\nsauce. \"The Pride of Memphis!\"\n\nJERRY\n(Complaining) No, no. I wanted the one\nin the little bottle with that guy on\nit that looks like Charles Grodin!\n\nSALLY\nThis is much better. And frankly, in\nMemphis, we think that other sauce as\n(Whispering) kind of a joke.\n\nJERRY\nI know it's a joke. It's supposed to\nbe a joke! Now I'm going on the Charles\nGrodin Show with nothing. (Sets the\njar down angrily) Nothing!\n\nSALLY\nYou could just do your material.\n\nJERRY\n(Peeved) I don't have any material!\n\nELAINE\n(Yelling out) He's got nothin'!\n\n(The Coffee Shop)\n\n(George is sitting at the table - opposite the doll. While he\neats his meal, he can hear his mother yelling at him via the\ndoll)\n\nDOLL\nGeorgie! Don't eat with your hands!\n(George starts eating faster) Why do\nyou eat so fast?! You can't even taste\nit!\n\nGEORGE\n(Losing it) Don't tell me how to eat!\n\n(People from near-by tables turn and look at him)\n\nDOLL\nYou're wearing that shirt? You've had\nit for five years already! Why don't\nyou get a new shirt?!\n\nGEORGE\n(Trying to keep it down) Because I like\nthis one! (Notices people staring at\nhim, he quickly gets up, collecting\nthe his coat and the tiny replica) C'mon,\nlet's go. Let's go! (On his way out,\nhe stops in front of a woman blocking\nhis path) Oh, hi.. (Embarrassed about\nthe doll, he sheepishly walks out)\n\nWOMAN\n(To Ruthie, the cashier) That man should\nreally be in a sanitarium. (Ruthie nods,\nagreeing)\n\n(George's old bedroom)\n\n(The Maestro, Kramer, and Frank are all pant-less and playing\npool while listening to classical music. Frank is looking at\nthe Maestro's pictures with a magnifying glass)\n\nKRAMER\nNow this is remarkable. I'm lounging,\nand yet, my pants remain perfectly creased.\n\nFRANK\nIt's him! (Standing up) It's Carlo Costanza!\n\nKRAMER\nCome on. Are you sure?\n\n(They all crowd around the picture)\n\nFRANK\nI'd know him anywhere.\n\nMAESTRO\nI've seen that man in Tuscany. Eccentric\nfellow. Reputation of being kind of\na village idiot.\n\nFRANK\nI still say we're related.\n\nMAESTRO\n(Recognizing the currently playing song)\nOhh, I love this piece. (Turns it up,\nthen pantomimes that he is conducting\nthe instruments)\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, come on Frank. It's your shot.\n\nFRANK\n(Complaining) I can't make anything..\n\nKRAMER\n(Like a professional) Well, that's because\nyou don't know how to follow through\ncorrectly.\n\nFRANK\nFollow through? What do you mean?\n\nKRAMER\nRight here, come on, I'll show you..\n(Gets behind Frank, holding the pool\nstick with him) Take hold of your stick..\nalright, bring it back slowly..\n\n(Estelle walks in with a tray of beverages and popcorn. Kramer\nand Frank continue the lesson in their underwear as she stares\nin disbelief)\n\nFRANK\nIt's a little unnatural, but I think\nI'm getting the hang of it.\n\nESTELLE\nOh, my God!\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nJERRY\n(Still ticked off) That woman is such\nan idiot! I was gonna do this whole\nbit on that bottle - and now I got nothing\nto talk about.\n\nELAINE\nWell, have you ever considered writing\nnew material?\n\nJERRY\nWell, maybe if I didn't have so many\npeople in my apartment all the time\nI'd be able to get some work done.\n\nELAINE\n(Getting the hint) Me? Are you talking\nabout me?\n\nJERRY\n(Deeply sarcastic) No. You're never\nhere.\n\nELAINE\n(Reflecting) Boy, that doll was really\nfreaky, wasn't it?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Really. (Forming and idea) Hey,\nyou know what? Maybe I could talk about\nthat on the show.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nShow the doll - show the picture of\nGeorge's mother.. it's pretty funny.\n(Moving toward the phone) I'm gonna\ncall them.\n\n(Scene cuts to George's apartment. Sally answers the ringing\nphone)\n\nSALLY\nHello?\n\nJERRY\nHello, Susan? It's Jerry.\n\nSALLY\nHi Jerry, it's Sally!\n\nJERRY\n(Disappointed) Oh. Is George there?\n\nSALLY\nNo, but he should be home soon.\n\nJERRY\nUh, listen, this is important. Tell\nhim to meet me at the TV studio with\na picture of his mother and that doll\nthat looks like her.\n\nSALLY\nIs this for your comedy routine?\n\nJERRY\n(Obviously resents talking to her) Yes.\n\nSALLY\n(Gasps) Don't worry. (Like a detective)\nI'm on the case.\n\n(Jerry makes a face of doubt as he hangs up)\n\n(George's old bedroom)\n\n(The same pool game is going on. The Maestro is putting his pants\non)\n\nMAESTRO\n(Sighs slightly) I, uh, think I'll get\nsome air. (Slowly leaves)\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.. (Sizes up his next shot. His\nstick jams into the window as he draws\nback) See? This is no good.. (Looks\naround the room. His sights fall on\nthe Maestro's baton) Hey, the baton.\n(Chalks it up) I got a hunch, fat man,\nI can't miss. (Measures up his shot)\n13 in the side pocket. (Does just that)\nGiddy-up. (Moves around to the other\nside of the board, judging his next\nmove) Six in the corner. (Hits it in)\nThis table's mine. (A series of Kramer's\nplays are displayed, and, on the last\nball of the game..) You know where it's\ngoing..\n\n(The Charles Grodin Show dressing room)\n\n(Elaine enters)\n\nELAINE AND JERRY\nHey!\n\nELAINE\nIs George here?\n\nJERRY\nNot yet. (Points over to a man sitting\nin one of the room's chairs. Whispers)\nThe other guy.\n\n(Elaine gasps. Smiling, she walks over to him)\n\nELAINE\nIt's.. .. you! It's really you! Oh,\nI'm such a huge fan of yours. Would\nyou mind signing this poster for me?\n\nCARRERAS\nMy pleasure. (Reaches for a pen as Elaine\nunravels her poster)\n\nELAINE\n(As he is signing) Oh, thank you so\nmuch. (He finishes. Elaine gives out\na happy gasp) Thank you so much, Mr..\n(Tries to read his signature) Camaro.\n(Carreras gives her a look as he is\ngetting up) Mr. Casea? (He walks off\nas Elaine rolls the picture back up.\nJerry gives his \"That's a shame\" face)\nWell, whatever. (To Jerry) I'm gonna\ntake this to the Maestro. He's, he's\nplaying at the Queens Convalescent Center.\n\nJERRY\n(Joking around) Well, that's one hell\nof a gig. (Turning around, he picks\nup a box labeled \"Ori-dent\") Hey, look,\nI got something for you. The Ori-dent!\n\nELAINE\n(Mock joy) Ohh.. thank you. (Accepts\nthe gift) Huh.. (Struggles under the\nsize) Wha-- why does a toothbrush come\nin such a big box?\n\nJERRY\nWell, it's a delicate mechanism - It,\nyou know, needs lots of packaging.\n\nELAINE\n(Still trying to get a grasp on the\npackage) How am I supposed to carry\nthis thing? (She looks up to see Jerry\ntaking his pants off) What are you doing?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I want to sit down.\n\nELAINE\nSo?\n\nJERRY\nIt's a trick I just learned from Kramer.\nIt keeps a crease in the pants. (Folds\nhis pants over the head of a chair,\nthen sits down in another. When he sees\nElaine's staring at him, he makes a\n\"Tada!\" gesture with his hands. Elaine\nholds her hand up - as if to say \"I'll\nsee ya.\", and while she's slowly walking\nout Jerry gives her a salute)\n\n(George's old bedroom)\n\n(The game is over)\n\nMAESTRO\n(Making his exit, he lays the charm\non Mrs. Costanza) Madame, you have been\nan extremely gracious hostess. (Kisses\nher hand)\n\nESTELLE\n(Coy) Ohh.. thank you, Maestro. (Giggles\nto herself as the Maestro leaves)\n\nFRANK\n(Holding up a picture) Here, take a\nlook at this.\n\nESTELLE\n(Looking at it) Yeah, what is it?\n\nFRANK\nIt's Carlo. I found him!\n\nESTELLE\n(Handing the picture back) You've been\ncooped up in this room too long.\n\nFRANK\n(Yelling out) You never support me!\nLet's see what George says about this..\nWhere're my pants? (Takes his pair off\na rack and leaves)\n\nKRAMER\n(Taking his pair off, he inspects them)\nAw, beautiful!\n\n(The Charles Grodin Show dressing room)\n\n(Sally walks in with a bag. Jerry's sitting without any pants\non)\n\nSALLY\nHey there, Mr. Hairy legs!\n\nJERRY\n(Surprised to see her, he gets up) Where's\nGeorge?\n\nSALLY\nDon't worry, I brought your doll.. (Pulls\nout an extremely different doll - this\none resembles a baker) Tada!\n\nJERRY\n(Complaining) No! That's the wrong doll!\n\nSALLY\nJerry, I saw the doll you were talking\nabout - not funny! This doll's much\nfunnier. Look, it has a little bowtie,\nand a cute little hat.. I think it's\na riot!\n\nJERRY\n(Slow whispering) This is a nightmare.\n\nSALLY\nOh well, I'll be watching. (Sets the\ndoll down, then crosses her fingers)\nDon't screw up. (Leaves)\n\n(View shifts over to Carreras. While eating some BBQ food he\nreaches back for a towel to wipe his face. He happens upon Jerry's\npants) Too much sauce.. (Wipes his mouth)\n\nJERRY\nMy pants!\n\n(A stagehand enters)\n\nSTAGEHAND\nMr. Seinfeld, you're on.\n\n(NYC street)\n\n(Elaine's walking down with the poster and the box. A man exiting\nan ice cream parlor almost runs into her. Scene cuts to her on\nthe subway. The man standing next to her is bumped, and his beverage\nspills all over Elaine. Luckily, she held the poster up before\nit could be damaged. Scene cuts to the Maestro's office)\n\nMAESTRO\nElaine? What a surprise.\n\nELAINE\nI know you're very busy, but I just\nwanted to come by and give you this.\n\nMAESTRO\nOhh.. (Looking at the box) Ori-dent\n- that electric toothbrush I've heard\nso much about..\n\nELAINE\nNo, no, no. Not the toothbrush.. (Holds\nout the poster) this.\n\n(The Maestro takes the poster, dramatically rolling the rubber\nband off. He unravels the poster on his desk)\n\nMAESTRO\nOhh, what a sweet gesture. And autographed\nposter of my favorite tenor, with..\nthose two other guys. Oh, Elaine, this\nis magnifico!\n\nELAINE\nOh, well, I just felt so bad about what\nhappened in Tuscany..\n\nSTAGEHAND\n(Yelling from off-camera) Maestro, you're\non!\n\nMAESTRO\nOh, Elaine.. wait for me after the concert?\nWe'll celebrate.\n\nELAINE\nOh, ok! (Picking up the Ori-dent box,\nshe knocks over a bottle of wine. It\nspills all over the poster)\n\n(Scene cuts to the Maestro's concert. Various players are practicing\nas he walks out. A round of applause sounds as the Maestro bows.\nPicking up his bent baton, he addresses the orchestra. As he\nstarts to instruct the band, he stops when he finds out his baton\nis bent out of shape. He turns and looks at the audience apologetically\nas the music fades to a stop)\n\n(George and Susan's apartment)\n\n(Susan's holding her doll defensively)\n\nSUSAN\nI want to know why you took my doll\nout of the house.\n\nGEORGE\nI just wanted a second opinion.\n\n(There's a knock at the door. George sighs, then answers it -\nit's Frank)\n\nFRANK\n(Holding up the picture) Take a look\nat this. Doesn't that look like my flesh\nand blood? Of course, your mother- (His\nattention is drawn over to Susan's doll.\nLike George did earlier, he starts to\nimagine that the doll is scolding him\nas his wife would)\n\nDOLL\nOh, stop bothering everybody with that\npicture. It's ridiculous!\n\nFRANK\n(Walking toward the doll) Ridiculous?!\nI'll show you ridiculous! (Struggles\nwith Susan for possession of the doll)\nCome here!\n\nSUSAN\n(Pleading) No, Mr. Costanza! No, no!\n\n(Frank manages to get the doll from Susan. He twists the head\nclean off the body)\n\nFRANK\n(Holding out the head in his hand, he\naddresses it) There! Now what have you\ngot to say for yourself?!\n\nGEORGE\n(To Susan) I told you it looked like\nher..\n\n(A street in Tuscany)\n\n(Frank meets up with a man sweeping the sidewalk - the man he\nbelieves to be his cousin)\n\nFRANK\n(Sets a gift he's brought down) Carlo!\nIt's me, Frank! (Attempts to hug the\nguy, but he resists - pushing Frank\naway. He scolds Frank in another language)\nI'm your cousin, Frank! Aren't you Carlo?\n\nMAN\nCarlo? No. Mi nome e Giuseppe.\n\nFRANK\n(Realizing) What do you know.. Alright.\n(Picking up his present) I guess I was\nwrong. (Walks off)\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Friars-Club.html",
    "text": "THE FRIARS CLUB\n\nWritten by\n\nDavid Mandel\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nThe other thing I love is when you're\nin the middle of a dream, and the alarm\ngoes off. You incorporate the sound\nof the alarm into the dream, so you\ncan keep sleeping. And you'll make any\nadjustment in the dream to do it. I\nwas with Marie Antoinette in a dream\nlast night, and she was on the guillotine,\nthe blade came down, her head fell into\nthe basket, it rolled over and she started\nsinging Neil Diamond's 'Solitary Man'.\nAnd, I thought, \"That is not my alarm\ngoing off. This is actually happening.\"\n\n(Street, New York)\n\nAn elated George leaps around the corner, kicking a cab's door\nclosed and\n\nclapping his hands together.\n\nGEORGE\n(joyful) June. It's June.\n\nGeorge begins trotting down the street. He acknowledges a passerby\nand\n\nhigh-fives him.\n\nGEORGE\n(high-fiving) Hey!\n\nGeorge continues his joyful path along the sidewalk, with his\nhands raised\n\nabove his head in celebration.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's June.\n\nGeorge takes the hand of a female passerby and dances a few steps\nwith her,\n\ntwirling her round.\n\nGEORGE\nJune, June, June.\n\nReleasing the woman, George euphorically prances along, laughing\nand smiling.\n\nGEORGE\n(to passerby) Hey, he-hah. It's June,\nJune.\n\nGeorge leaps onto the footing of a streetlight and spins on it,\nin\n\ntime-honoured musical fashion.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's Juu-uu-une! Hey hay. Yes.\n\nGeorge leaps from the streetlight onto the road, where he spreads\nhis arms\n\nand spins.\n\nGEORGE\nI love Juu-uuu-uu-uune!\n\nA car brakes behind George and sounds its horn. George flinches,\nand jigs\n\nnervously out from in front of the automobile and back to the\npavement.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nGeorge pushes open the door and enters, still ebullient. He punches\nthe air\n\nas he looks to Jerry.\n\nGEORGE\nJune. Juune, baby!\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nThe catering hall screwed up. The wedding\nis delayed until June. It's\n\nlike a stay of execution.\n\nJERRY\nDead man walking.\n\nGEORGE\n(pointing to Jerry in joyous agreement)\nHa-ha-hah. This is my lucky\n\nday.\n\nJERRY\nWell, one outta twenty thousand. That's\nnot bad.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Hey, wait a second, you know,\ngood news for you too. Susan's\n\nbest friend, Hallie? Broke up with her boyfriend.\n\nJERRY\nShe did?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nSo? Wheels?\n\nGEORGE\nIn motion. The wheels are in motion.\n\nJERRY\nBeautiful.\n\nGEORGE\nAah, hey. (enthusiastic) If this works\nout, forget about it.\n\nVacations together, movies together, dinner together. It..it's\nalmost as good\n\nas if I didn't get married.\n\nJERRY\nSo, set it up. You know what, we could\nhave dinner at the Friars Club.\n\nGEORGE\nThe Friars Club?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I'm thinking of joining. Pat Cooper\nsaid he would put me up for\n\nmembership.\n\nKramer opens the door and leans in.\n\nKRAMER\nHey everybody. (to Jerry) Listen, uh,\ndo me a favour, will you? I got\n\na hot date tonight with Connie. Knock on my door, wake me up\nin twenty\n\nminutes, alright?\n\nJERRY\nCatnap?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, no, no. (comes in) This is evolutionary.\nI been reading this\n\nbook, on Leonardo de Vinci. See, that means 'from Vinci', d'you\nknow that?\n\nJERRY\n(deadpan) That must be some book.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well, turns out that the master\nslept only twenty minutes every\n\nthree hours. Now, that works out to two and a half extra days,\nthat I'm awake\n\nper week, every week. Which means, if I live to be eighty, I\nwill have lived\n\nthe equivalent of a hundred and five years.\n\nJERRY\nJust imagine how much more you'll accomplish.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I got a lot of things in the hopper,\nbuddy.\n\nKramer heads for the door.\n\nJERRY\nI didn't know you had a hopper.\n\nKRAMER\n(smiling) Oh, I got a hopper. A big\nhopper.\n\nKramer exits, closing the door behind him.\n\n(Conference Room, J. Peterman)\n\nA number of executives are seated round a table, with J Peterman\nat the head\n\nof the table.\n\nPETERMAN\nAlright, people, I'd like to begin with\na hearty hail and well-met\n\ngood fellow, to Bob Grossberg, who's joining us from Business\nAffairs.\n\nPeterman indicates a guy sitting next to Elaine. The other executives\ngive\n\nBob some quiet applause, which he acknowledges with a slight\nwave.\n\nBOB\nThanks. Hi everybody.\n\nPETERMAN\nBob, we have a little baptism by fire\nfor you, so to speak.\n\nElaine leans over to the guy sitting on the other side of her\nfrom Bob.\n\nELAINE\n(whispers) Poor bastard.\n\nPETERMAN\n(to Bob) I want you to handle all the\nfact-checking and the\n\ncopy-editing for the new catalogue.\n\nBob looks blank and fiddles with something behind his ear.\n\nBOB\nAh, could you repeat that?\n\nPETERMAN\n(slower and louder) Why don't you handle\nall the copy-editing?\n\nBob pulls a face and points to indicate all is not well with\nhis hearing.\n\nBOB\n(apologetic) I..I'm sorry. What?\n\nPETERMAN\n(louder still) Copy-editing!\n\nPeterman sees he's not getting through to Bob, and gives up.\n\nPETERMAN\nEh, never mind. (turns to Elaine) Elaine,\nyou do it.\n\nElaine does a double-take at hearing this, looking dismayed.\nBob has a\n\nhearing aid out of his ear and manipulates it before slipping\nit back in.\n\n(Friars Club Lobby)\n\nJerry, George, Susan, and Hallie stand before the maitre d' of\nthe rather\n\nfancy Friars Club. Jerry has no jacket\n\nJERRY\nHi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld. Pat Cooper made\na reservation for me.\n\nMAITRE D'\nYes, Mr Seinfeld, but uhm, all gentlemen\nare required to wear\n\njackets in the dining room.\n\nJERRY\n(downcast) Oh, I'm sorry.\n\nHALLIE\n(smiling) How embarrassing this must\nbe for you.\n\nJERRY\n(jocular) You just bought your own dinner.\n\nGeorge, Susan and Hallie laugh at his little joke.\n\nMAITRE D'\nNo problem. Please, follow me.\n\nThe maitre d' strides away, Jerry follows.\n\nJERRY\n(passing Hallie) 'Scuse me.\n\nGEORGE\n(smiling) Ho ho. Funny. Isn't he funny?\nFunny guy. Ha ha ha.\n\nA couple of people walk by, George raises a hand in greeting.\n\nGEORGE\nFriars.\n\nJerry returns, wearing a blazer, with a crest on the breast pocket.\n\nJERRY\nHey, not bad. (pointing to crest) I\nkinda like this little thing here.\n\nGeorge, Susan and Hallie, all make positive noises and comments.\nThe maitre\n\nd' comes up behind Jerry and motions them to enter.\n\nMAITRE D'\nThis way please.\n\nGEORGE\nHup, here we go. Here we go.\n\nThe four of them walk on into the restaurant, with George bringing\nup the\n\nrear.\n\n(Friars Club Restaurant)\n\nJerry, George, Susan and Hallie, sit round a table, eating. They're\nengage in\n\nat least two separate conversations - Jerry with George and Susan\nwith\n\nHallie.\n\nGEORGE\n(adamant) Ah, c'mon! I'm telling you,\nI can coach for the NFL. It's\n\nnot that hard\n\nJerry looks scornfully at George.\n\nSUSAN\n(to Hallie) Mmm, mm, mm. Hallie (points\nto her plate) taste this fish.\n\nIt's really delicious.\n\nHallie spears a morsel from Susan's plate and eats it.\n\nJERRY\n(to George) That might be the stupidest\nthing you've ever said.\n\nGEORGE\n(to Jerry) Oh, get outta here.\n\nJERRY\n(to George) I mean, come on. (a thought\noccurs) No, the stupidest\n\nthing you ever said was when you said Steve Kroft from Sixty\nMinutes is the\n\nsame guy from *Seals and Croft*.\n\nHALLIE\n(to Susan) Mmm, it is good.\n\nSUSAN\n(to Hallie) What do you think about\nhaving fish for the wedding?\n\nGEORGE\n(to Jerry) You watch the old videos.\n(insistent) I'm telling you,\n\nlook at him.\n\nHALLIE\n(to Susan) Oh. Remember (indistinct)\nwedding?\n\nJERRY\nOh, come on.\n\nGEORGE\nLook...\n\nJERRY\nAlright.\n\nThe four continue chatting happily.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nKramer is asleep on Jerry's couch. Jerry enters, wearing a long\ncoat.\n\nJERRY\n(looking at Kramer) This is nice.\n\nJerry slams the door and Kramer jerks awake.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, morning.\n\nJERRY\nMorning?\n\nJerry removes his coat, to reveal he's wearing the crested jacket\nfrom the\n\nFriars Club.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, what time is it?\n\nJERRY\n(looks at watch) Ten-thirty.\n\nKRAMER\n(pleased) Ah, see. (rubs his hands together)\nI got the whole night\n\nahead of me. (looks at Jerry) Boy, that's a nice jacket, huh?\n\nKramer passes Jerry on his way to the kitchen. Jerry looks downwards\nat his\n\nattire.\n\nJERRY\n(realising) Ohh, I don't believe this.\nI forgot to give it back. It\n\nbelongs to the Friars Club.\n\nKramer has a bowl on the counter and fetches a box of cereal.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I like that crest. (he shakes\ncereal into the bowl) Alright,\n\nhere we go.\n\nJERRY\nBreakfast?\n\nKRAMER\n(pouring cereal) Oh yeah. Most important\nmeal of the day.\n\nJERRY\nSo this Da Vinci sleep is working out?\n\nKRAMER\n(enthusiastic) Oh, I'm percolating,\nJerry. I'm telling you, I have\n\nnever felt so fertile. I'm mossy, Jerry. My brain is mossy. Listen\nto this\n\nidea. (fetches a spoon from the drawer) A restaurant that serves\nonly peanut\n\nbutter and jelly. (clicks tongue)\n\nJERRY\nWhat d'you call it?\n\nKRAMER\nP B and J's. What d'you think?\n\nJERRY\n(deadpan) I think you need more sleep.\n\nKRAMER\n(dismissive) Ahh.\n\nKramer picks up his bowl of cereal and heads for the door.\n\nJERRY\nSo, how'd your date work out with the\nmysterious Connie?\n\nKramer stops, with the door open, and turns back to Jerry.\n\nKRAMER\nI am telling you, this woman is strange.\nShe never wants to leave the\n\napartment. It's almost like she doesn't wanna be seen with me.\n\nJERRY\nOh, now you're being ridiculous.\n\nKRAMER\n(laughing) He he, yeah.\n\nKramer begins to exit.\n\nJERRY\n(indicates the bowl of cereal) No milk?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I'll be back.\n\nKramer leaves and closes the door behind him.\n\n(Elaine's Office, J. Peterman)\n\nIt's late at night, and her's is the only light on in the building.\nElaine\n\nsits at a computer, typing away at the keyboard. She's surrounded\nby piles of\n\npaperwork, which she rummages through. She sighs, frustrated\nat being saddled\n\nwith all this work.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nIt's night, and Jerry lies in bed asleep. Kramer enters the room\nquietly and\n\nsits on the edge of Jerry's bed.\n\nKRAMER\n(quietly) Jerry.\n\nJerry stirs slightly, but doesn't wake up.\n\nKRAMER\n(quietly) Hey Jerry.\n\nJerry still doesn't wake.\n\nKRAMER\n(prodding Jerry) C'mon buddy.\n\nJerry snaps awake, sitting up and recoiling from the figure on\nhis bed.\n\nJERRY\n(startled) Kramer!\n\nKRAMER\nYou awake?\n\nJERRY\n(confused) Wha..? What time is it?\n\nKRAMER\nW...It's four.\n\nJERRY\n(aghast) Four in the morning?!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nWell, what's wrong with you?\n\nKRAMER\nI'm bored. I got all this free time\non my hands, I dunno what to do.\n\nYou wanna do something?\n\nJERRY\nNo. Would you just get out?\n\nKRAMER\nYou wanna rent a movie?\n\nJERRY\nNo!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, what am I gonna do?\n\n(Elaine's Office, J. Peterman)\n\nJerry walks over to Elaine, who is working at her computer. She\nhas a\n\nsandwich and a diet soda on her desk.\n\nJERRY\nReady for lunch?\n\nELAINE\n(irked) I'm stuck here, editing the\nstupid catalogue, because of\n\nstupid Bob Grossberg.\n\nJerry pulls a face, helps himself to a sandwich and sits down,\nas Elaine\n\nturns to him.\n\nELAINE\nListen, there is something really suspicious\nabout this guy. Every\n\ntime Mr Peterman tries to assign him any work, he says he can't\nhear, and it\n\nall gets dumped on me.\n\nJERRY\nYou think he's faking?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know. But I'd like to try that\nearpiece on, see if it's real.\n\nBob leans around the open door to speak.\n\nBOB\nHey Elaine. (he spots Jerry) Oh, you\nhave a friend.\n\nJerry waves a finger in greeting.\n\nBOB\n(to Elaine) Just wanted to say hi.\n\nBob makes to depart, but stops as Elaine speaks.\n\nELAINE\nBob, you know what? I'm kinda swamped\nhere. You think you could give\n\nme a hand with some of the catalogue?\n\nBOB\n(cupping his hand behind his ear) I..I'm\nsorry. What?\n\nElaine leans toward Bob.\n\nELAINE\n(slower and louder) I'm kind of swamped.\n\nBob smiles, and holds his tie, as if he's been complimented on\nit.\n\nBOB\nThank you. I'm having lunch with Mr\nP. I better get going.\n\nBob smiles, gives Elaine a wink and leaves.\n\nELAINE\nDid you see that? Did you see that,\nJerry?\n\nJERRY\nThat was him?\n\nELAINE\nYes.\n\nJERRY\nSomehow I thought he'd be taller.\n\nELAINE\nAlright, listen, we'll have to do this\nagain some other time, okay? I\n\ngot a lotta work to do.\n\nJERRY\n(standing) Alright, I'll see you later.\n\nElaine turns back to her computer. Jerry heads out the door.\n\nELAINE\nAlright.\n\n(Peterman Bathroom)\n\nBob stands at the urinal. Jerry opens the door and enters the\nroom. He sees\n\nBob, and wonders about something. Jerry slowly crosses the room\nuntil he's\n\nstanding about three feet behind Bob.\n\nJERRY\nHey, Bob.\n\nBob continues to use the urinal, without reaction.\n\nJERRY\nBob.\n\nStill no reaction.\n\nJERRY\nHey, Bobby, over here.\n\nBob continues his necessary business.\n\nJERRY\nBob. Oh, Bob.\n\nStill nothing.\n\nJERRY\n(louder) Bob!\n\nBob finishes what he has to do, and half-turns to find Jerry\nbehind him.\n\nJerry feigns innocence, Bob completes his zipping up whilst faced\naway from\n\nJerry.\n\nBOB\nHi.\n\nJerry and Bob give embarrassed acknowledgement smiles.\n\n(Elaine's Office, J. Peterman)\n\nElaine types away at her computer. Jerry enters.\n\nJERRY\n(urgent whisper) Elaine.\n\nJerry closes the door behind him.\n\nELAINE\n(makes an irked noise)\n\nJERRY\nI was just in the bathroom.\n\nELAINE\n(really doesn't want to know) Okay,\nJerry, please, please. I'm really\n\nbusy here.\n\nJERRY\nNo, no, no. I was just in the bathroom\nwith that Bob guy.\n\nELAINE\nSo what?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I kinda tried to test his hearing.\n\nElaine stands and slaps Jerry on the chest with a bundle of papers.\n\nELAINE\nGet out! What'd you do?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I kinda snuck up behind him at\nthe urinal and tried to see if he\n\ncould hear me.\n\nELAINE\n(hopeful) And?\n\nJERRY\nWell, he flinched, sort of.\n\nELAINE\nWhat d'you mean, sort of? What'd he\ndo?\n\nJERRY\nWell, he kinda moved his head, you know.\nIt mighta been on the zip up,\n\nI dunno.\n\nELAINE\nSo you don't know anything?\n\nJERRY\nActually, no.\n\nELAINE\n(sarcasm) Alright, good job.\n\nJERRY\nRight.\n\nElaine goes back to work. Jerry leaves.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry sits, reading a paper, at the table. There is a knock at\nthe door.\n\nJERRY\nCome in.\n\nThe door slowly opens wide enough for George to lean into the\nroom. He's\n\nsmiling, looks at Jerry and raises his eyebrows quizzically.\nJerry smiles\n\nback.\n\nGEORGE\n(entering) Last night, huh? Was that\nsomething, or was that\n\nsomething?\n\nJERRY\nThat was something.\n\nGEORGE\nAh. She's great, isn't she?\n\nJERRY\n(positive) Fantastic. Fantastic woman.\n\nGEORGE\nI told you.\n\nJERRY\nI'm nuts about her.\n\nGEORGE\nYou think she could be an 'it'? Could\nshe be an 'it'?\n\nJERRY\nShe could be an 'it'.\n\nGEORGE\n(claps hands triumphantly) We might\nhave an 'it'!\n\nJERRY\nShe's got 'it' written all over her.\n\nGEORGE\nShe's got everything, right? (counts\non his fingers) She's\n\nintelligent, she's smart, she's got a great sense of humour.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I dunno. I didn't really talk\nto her.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, she's smart. You take my word\nfor it.\n\nJERRY\nWhatever.\n\nGEORGE\n(gleeful) Hehee. W..we could be like\nthe Gatsbys. Didn't they always\n\nlike, you know, a bunch of people around, and they were all best\nfriends?\n\nJERRY\nThat doesn't sound right.\n\nGEORGE\nNo. So, tonight she's got tickets for\nthat show she's been working\n\non. The Flying Sandos Brother.\n\nJERRY\nFlying Sandos. Beautiful.\n\nGEORGE\nGreat. Seven-thirty, alright?\n\nJERRY\nWalk me down to the Friars.\n\nJerry goes into the bedroom.\n\nGEORGE\nSure. So, uh, Jerry, there's an empty\napartment in my building. If\n\nyou and Hallie want, we could try and hold it, may...\n\nJerry reenters looking confused.\n\nJERRY\nIt's not here.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nTh..the jacket, it's not here. It's\ngotta be here somewhere.\n\nKramer enters, rubbing his eyes.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, boy.\n\nJerry is looking around for the jacket, lifting cushions, etc.\n\nJERRY\n(to Kramer) Thanks for that four a.m.\nwakeup call last night.\n\n(frustrated) Where the hell is that jacket?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, the one with the crest.\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nOh, well, that's at the cleaners.\n\nJERRY\nThe cleaners? How did it get there?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I, uh, I borrowed it last night\nand it got a little dirty.\n\nJERRY\n(irritated) Great.\n\nKRAMER\n(laughing to himself) Somehow I dozed\noff and woke up in a pile of\n\ngarbage.\n\nJERRY\nSomehow? You've had an hour and twenty\nminutes sleep in three days!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, so, look, the cleaner said you\ncould pick it up tonight at six.\n\nJERRY\nAlright. I just hope I can get it to\nthe Friars Club before the show.\n\nGEORGE\nWon't be a problem...(mumbles)\n\nKramer has closed his eyes and fallen asleep while leaning on\nthe counter in\n\nJerry's kitchen.\n\nJERRY\n(to Kramer) Hey.\n\nKramer does not respond.\n\nJERRY\n(louder) Hey!!\n\nKramer snaps awake with a jerk.\n\nKRAMER\nWatch out, boy.\n\n(Bob's Office, J. Peterman)\n\nBob is working at his desk, with his back to the door. Elaine\narrives and\n\nstands in the doorway.\n\nELAINE\nCan you give us a hand with some of\nthese boxes, Bob?\n\nBob continues to muse over some of the work in front of him,\ngiving no sign\n\nof knowing Elaine is there.\n\nELAINE\nBob!\n\nBob still doesn't react to Elaine. Elaine takes a couple of steps\ninto Bob's\n\noffice, and decides to try a different tactic.\n\nELAINE\n(sexily) I want you so bad, Bob. You\nturn me on...\n\nAs Elaine speaks, Peterman walks past the open door. Hearing\nElaine's voice,\n\nhis attention is caught. He stops to listen.\n\nELAINE\n...so much. You're so damn...sexy.\n\nPeterman watches and listens, surprised.\n\nELAINE\n(sexy) Ohh. I'm starting to unbutton.\n\nPeterman decides he should withdraw, and he leaves.\n\nELAINE\n(dropping the sexy voice) Anything getting\nthrough? Bob?\n\nBob continues to be oblivious to Elaine. Elaine pulls a pensive\nface and\n\nleaves.\n\n(Theatre)\n\nGeorge, Susan and Hallie sit in a box overlooking the stage (just\nlike the\n\ntwo guys in the Muppets). There's an empty seat beside Hallie.\nGeorge is\n\nmaking small talk.\n\nHALLIE\nWell, they perform all over. Europe\nmostly.\n\nGEORGE\nA-ha, huh. (mumbles) tours.\n\nHALLIE\nYeah.\n\nJerry arrives, wearing the crested jacket.\n\nJERRY\nSorry, sorry I'm late.\n\nGEORGE/SUSAN\nHey!\n\nSUSAN\nJerry.\n\nGEORGE\nIsn't that the uh, Friars Club jacket?\n\nJerry takes the vacant seat.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, it wasn't ready on time. I have\nto return it after the show.\n\nGEORGE\nSure, sure, sure, sure. (patting Jerry\non the shoulders) How about\n\nthese seats? Are these fantastic, huh? Huh? I feel like Lincoln.\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Well, let's hope this evening\nturns out a little better.\n\nLively music begins and the Flying Sandos Brothers bound onto\nthe stage to\n\napplause from the auditorium. Jerry and his friends all join\nin.\n\n(Kramer's Apartment)\n\nKramer sits on his couch with Connie, who is playfully toying\nwith the collar\n\non his shirt.\n\nKRAMER\nSo, uhm, are you sure you don't wanna\ngo to the movies?\n\nCONNIE\nMmm, no, Cosmo. I like just being here\nwith you.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, it's uh, it's a bold adventure.\n\nConnie leans in and begins to kiss Kramer's neck.\n\nKRAMER\nOoh. Well, this is uh, risky business,\nhuh? I'm all a-twitter.\n\n(Theatre)\n\nThe Sandos Brothers are on stage performing a juggling act with\nglasses,\n\ntrays and bottle. It ends with them pouring drinks and toasting\nthe audience.\n\nThe audience applaud appreciatively.\n\nThe Sandos Brothers launch into the next part of their act. One\nbrother\n\nclimbs onto the shoulders of another and is carried to the edge\nof the stage,\n\nwhere he climbs from the shoulders into the box containing Jerry,\nGeorge,\n\nSusan and Hallie. The audience applaud.\n\nSANDOS BROTHER 1\nHow would you kind people like to lend\na hand with our next\n\ntrick?\n\nJERRY\n(smiling) I don't think so.\n\nSANDOS BROTHER 1\nPlease, take off your jacket.\n\nJERRY\nMy jacket?\n\nSANDOS BROTHER 1\nYes, the jacket. (turns to the crowd)\nWhat do you say,\n\nladies and gentlemen?\n\nThe rest of the audience cheer and clap.\n\nSANDOS BROTHER 1\n(to Jerry) Can't argue with that.\n\nHALLIE\nC'mon.\n\nSUSAN\nDo it. Come on, Jerry.\n\nGEORGE\nGive him the jacket.\n\nJERRY\n(giving in) Alright.\n\nJerry shrugs out of the jacket, to the applause of friends and\naudience. He\n\nhands it to the Sandos Brother.\n\nSANDOS BROTHER 1\nAnd now, we say the magic word. (gestures\nwith his hand)\n\nAgrabah! And we make it disappear.\n\nAs he finishes his speech, he tosses the jacket out of the box\nand into the\n\naudience. The audience clap, as do George, Susan and Hallie.\nJerry peers over\n\nthe edge of the box, after the jacket.\n\n(Kramer's Apartment)\n\nConnie lies on the couch, underneath Kramer. She strokes the\nside of his head\n\nwith her fingers.\n\nCONNIE\n(passionate) Oh Cosmo. Mm-mmm, Cosmo.\nOh Cosmo.\n\nKramer is oddly unresponsive.\n\nCONNIE\n(uncomfortable) Uh, honey, can you move\na little, this hurts.\n\nKramer makes no reply.\n\nCONNIE\n(worried) Cosmo?\n\nConnie pushes at Kramer to try and move him.\n\nCONNIE\n(panicky) Oh my god. Cosmo, wake up!\n\nConnie heaves harder at Kramer, but he's still not moving or\nreplying.\n\nCONNIE\nCosmo?\n\nConnie lifts Kramer's head and looks at his face, which is completely\nslack\n\nand expressionless.\n\nCONNIE\n(horrified) Oh my god! He's dead! He's\ndead.\n\nPanicky, Connie tries again to lift Kramer enough to get out,\nbut is unable\n\nto move his inert bulk. She reaches across to the table and grabs\nthe handset\n\nof the phone. Quickly, she dials a number and puts the phone\nto her ear.\n\nCONNIE\n(into phone) Yeah, Tommy, this is Connie.\nYou gotta help me. Some guy\n\ndropped dead on top of me. (listens) I can't call the cops, 'cos\nJoey might\n\nfind out. (listens) I can't. I'm stuck. You gotta help me.\n\n(Theatre, Backstage)\n\nJerry leads George and the girls up to a door marked 'Dressing\nRoom 3'.\n\nGEORGE\nThis is very exciting. The inner sanctum.\n\nJerry knocks on the door. It's opened after a second, by one\nof the Sandos\n\nBrothers who looks at Jerry, questioningly.\n\nJERRY\nHi. I..I was in the audience earlier.\nYou threw my jacket down. I just\n\nwanted to pick it up.\n\nSANDOS BROTHER 2\nJacket? What jacket?\n\nJERRY\n(explaining) I had a jacket with a crest\non it. You came into the\n\naudience, you threw it away. Agrabah.\n\nSANDOS BROTHER 2\nA..are you sure it was me?\n\nJERRY\nWell, it was either you or one of your\nbrothers.\n\nJerry looks past to where another couple of Sandos Brother are\nstill\n\nchanging.\n\nSANDOS BROTHER 2\nWell, two of them have left already.\n\nThe Sandos Brother at the door turns to the other two an rattles\noff a\n\nquestion in some foreign language. The other two speak to each\nother and\n\nreply to the question, also in a foreign tongue, but clearly\nthey don't know\n\nanything.\n\nSANDOS BROTHER 2\n(shaking his head apologetically) No.\n\nJERRY\nIt doesn't even belong to me. It belongs\nto the Friars Club.\n\nSANDOS BROTHER 2\nSorry.\n\nThe Sandos Brother closes the door, smiling.\n\nHALLIE\nJerry, I'm sure it'll turn up.\n\nJERRY\n(cynical) I'm sure it won't.\n\nHALLIE\nDon't worry. I'll get the jacket back.\n\nGEORGE\n(cheerful) Alright, there you go. She's\ngonna get the jacket back.\n\n(claps hands) So, let's go get some coffee, huh?\n\nJERRY\n(downcast) No, I'm a little tired. I\nthink I'll go home.\n\nSUSAN\nAww, that's too bad.\n\nGEORGE\nReally?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, we'll do it another time.\n\nSUSAN\n(bright) George, we'll go.\n\nGeorge doesn't look like the prospect of coffee alone with Susan\nis something\n\nhe relishes.\n\n(Monk's)\n\nGeorge and Susan sit either side of a table, with coffee. There's\na definite\n\nlack of sparkling conversation. George forces a smile at Susan.\nThere's a\n\nlong pause, broken only by Susan sighing. George finally thinks\nof something\n\nto say.\n\nGEORGE\nI, uh, oh, broke a shoelace today.\n\nSUSAN\nOh, I can get you shoelaces tomorrow.\n\nGEORGE\nOkay.\n\nSUSAN\nSo, what colour?\n\nGEORGE\nBrown.\n\nSusan nods her comprehension, as George muses for a moment.\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe a black.\n\nSUSAN\nMmm.\n\nThe waitress walks by the table with the coffee pot.\n\nWAITRESS\nMore coffee?\n\nGEORGE\n(urgent) No! Check! (quieter) Please.\n\nThe waitress pulls the check from her pocket and puts it on the\ntable for\n\nGeorge.\n\n(Hallway Outside Jerry's Apartment)\n\nAs Jerry walks up to his door, Kramer's door opens and two guys\nemerge\n\ncarrying a large body-shaped object wrapped in fabric. They carry\nit away\n\ndown the hall.\n\nJERRY\n(looking after the guys) That nut is\nalways up to something.\n\nJerry shakes his head at Kramer's antics as he enters his apartment.\n\n(A Lonely Stretch Of Road On The Banks Of The Hudson)\n\nIt is night. A large black car squeals to a stop beside the river.\nThe two\n\nguys we just saw leave Kramer's apartment climb out of the car.\nThey open the\n\ntrunk and haul out the wrapped object they were carrying. They\nlug it to the\n\nrail at the edge of the road, and heave it over the edge. It\nsplashes into\n\nthe river and begins to sink. The two guys quickly close the\ntrunk of the car\n\nand climb back in.\n\n(Beneath The Hudson River)\n\nThe object sinks down into the water. Suddenly, the contents\nbegin to squirm\n\nand jump. The outline of a human body can be seen within the\nfabric. The top\n\nof the wrappings opens and Kramer emerges. He looks around, wide-eyed,\nand\n\nwould scream with shock, were he not underwater. He kicks his\nlegs and swims\n\ntoward the surface.\n\n(The Hudson River)\n\nKramer breaks the surface with a splutter. He looks round, panicky\nand\n\nconfused.\n\nKRAMER\nHEY!! Sh..! Shii! MAMA!!\n\nKramer looks to one side, where he sees a large ferry bearing\ndown on him. He\n\nturns and begins swimming away from the vessel.\n\nKRAMER\nAAH! AAGH!\n\n(Elaine's Office, J. Peterman)\n\nElaine is working away, when Peterman enters behind her. He's\ncarrying a\n\ncouple of bits of card.\n\nPETERMAN\nElaine. I think I've been working you\na little too hard, lately.\n\nPeterman sits on the edge of Elaine's desk.\n\nELAINE\n(shrugging it off) Oh.\n\nPETERMAN\nSo, I have two tickets for you (holds\nup the bits of card) to the\n\nFlying Sandos Brothers magic show.\n\nELAINE\n(pleased) Ah.\n\nPETERMAN\nIt is a real hoot.\n\nELAINE\n(delighted) Well, thank you Mr Peterman.\n\nPETERMAN\nAh, the tickets are for tonight. So\nyou and Bob can knock off a\n\nlittle early, so you both can get ready.\n\nElaine looks confused. Peterman begins to leave.\n\nELAINE\nMr Peterman, you...\n\nPETERMAN\n(interrupting) There's no need to deny\nit, Elaine. I heard every\n\nword you said.\n\nElaine realises what Peterman overheard.\n\nPETERMAN\nAnd I know you wouldn't be just having\nfun with his handicap.\n\n(staring away) That kind of cruelty would be grounds for dismissal.\n\nELAINE\n(resigned) Of course, Mr Peterman.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry is on the phone, as George enters.\n\nJERRY\n(into phone) Tell 'em I'll come down\nand talk to 'em. Okay, bye. (to\n\nGeorge) Well, that was the Friars Club. D'you think they're gonna\nlet a\n\njacket-stealer join? I don't think so! They're gonna charge me\neight hundred\n\ndollars for the jacket, and I gotta deal with Pat Cooper!\n\nJerry stalks about as George sits on the couch.\n\nJERRY\n(worked up) Wh..what kinda show is that\nSandos Brothers? They take\n\nyour jacket, then they just throw it? I never heard of that!\n\nGEORGE\nIt's a little unusual. So, uh, Susan\nand I were thinking, uh, dinner\n\nat our house Saturday night. Just the four of us.\n\nJERRY\n(unenthusiastic) Uhh, I don't think\nso.\n\nGEORGE\n(worried) Why not?\n\nJERRY\n(impassive) Ah, I'm a little turned\noff.\n\nGEORGE\n(standing) C'mon, what're you talking\nabout?\n\nJERRY\nAhh, I'm, I'm kinda soured.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're soured?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I'm soured.\n\nGEORGE\nDon't be soured.\n\nJERRY\nI'm sorry. I'm soured.\n\nGEORGE\n(animated) What're you kidding me? We\nwere all getting along so well.\n\nWhere is all this coming from?\n\nJERRY\nWell, you know, frankly, I don't think\nshe was too concerned about my\n\njacket.\n\nGEORGE\n(animated) What're you talking about?!\nShe's very concerned! She said\n\nshe was gonna get it back.\n\nJERRY\n(indifferent) Yeah, we'll see.\n\nGEORGE\n(worked up) Because if she gets it back,\nthen you'll have no reason\n\nto be sour. You'll de-sour, right?\n\nJERRY\nI'll try and de-sour.\n\nGEORGE\n(aggravated) Oh, that's not good enough!\nYou don't try and de-sour.\n\nYou have to sweeten too!\n\nJERRY\n(sharp) I'll try! I'll try and de-sour\nand sweeten.\n\nGEORGE\nI wanna get it back when we were the\nGatsbys.\n\nJERRY\nI still don't know what that means.\n\nGEORGE\n(neither does he) Yeah, well.\n\nThe door opens and Kramer enters, fully dressed but soaked to\nthe skin.\n\nKRAMER\nGod.\n\nJERRY\n(astonished) Oh god! What happened to\nyou?!\n\nKRAMER\n(animated) She tried to kill me Jerry!\n\nJERRY\nWho?\n\nKRAMER\n(shouts) Connie!\n\nJERRY\nWhat'd she do?\n\nKRAMER\nI don't know! (building to a shout)\nBut I woke up in the Hudson river\n\nin a SACK!! I think she drugged me, but she's a murderer and\nI'm calling the\n\ncops.\n\nJERRY\n(bewildered) Why would she try and kill\nyou?\n\nKRAMER\n(animated) Well, isn't it obvious? She\ndoesn't want anybody else to\n\nhave me!\n\nKramer moves to leave, but walks into the door with a loud thud.\n\nKRAMER\n(to door) Gah!\n\nKramer stomps away to his own apartment.\n\n(Friars Club Lobby)\n\nJerry and George stand where they dealt with the maitre d' on\ntheir previous\n\nvisit. As they wait, they're people-watching.\n\nJERRY\nHey, there's uncle Milty.\n\nGEORGE\n(pleased) Yeah, it is.\n\nJERRY\n(pointing) And there's David Steinberg.\n\nGEORGE\nThe comedian, or the manager?\n\nJERRY\nThe manager.\n\nGeorge looks unimpressed. Pat Cooper comes walking toward Jerry\nand George.\n\nJERRY\n(to George) Hey, there's Pat. (calls)\nHey, Pat.\n\nPAT\nHey, Jerry. What the hell went wrong?\nWhat's the matter with you? Are\n\nyou a kleptomaniac, or what?\n\nJERRY\nI forgot to take it off.\n\nPAT\n(dubious) You forgot to take it off?\nOh, you go into a department store,\n\nyou put a suit on, and you walk right out. What are you some\nsort of an\n\nidiot?\n\nJERRY\nI'm sorry.\n\nPAT\nWhere's the jacket?\n\nJERRY\nWell, one of the gypsies took it.\n\nPAT\n(skeptical) Aww, the gypsies took it!\nOf course, New York has a lot of\n\ngypsies! Oh, on every block there's a gypsy!\n\nGEORGE\n(meekly) Well, it's true. I saw it.\n\nPAT\n(probing) Excuse me, are you an entertainer?\nAre you in showbusiness?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I uh...\n\nPAT\n(interrupting) Then what am I talking\nto you for? (to Jerry) Jerry,\n\nbring the jacket back tomorrow.\n\nJERRY\nAlright.\n\nPat Cooper walks away from the guys. Jerry motions for George\nto leave with\n\nhim. George looks round and sees something.\n\nGEORGE\nWait a minute, wait a minute.\n\nOver at one of the tables, the Sandos Brother who took Jerry's\njacket is\n\nentertaining some other guests. He's wearing a familiar crested\njacket.\n\nGEORGE\nLook at that guy. Right there. Isn't\nthat the guy from the show?\n\nHe's..he's wearing the jacket.\n\nJERRY\nGod, you're right.\n\nGEORGE\n(motioning Jerry to follow) C'mon.\n\nJerry and George walk into the Friars Club, but within a couple\nof strides\n\nthey are faced with the maitre d'.\n\nMAITRE D'\nWait a second! Excuse me gentlemen,\nare you members?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I'm a prospective member.\n\nMAITRE D'\nUntil then, (pointing) that's the way\nout.\n\nJERRY\nBut that guy has my jacket.\n\nMAITRE D'\nC'mon, let's go.\n\nThe maitre d' shepherds Jerry and George out of the door, despite\ntheir\n\ncontinuing protests.\n\nGEORGE\nExcuse me, the guy is wearing a jacket\nthat my friend is...\n\nMAITRE D'\nCome on.\n\nJERRY\nCome on.\n\nMAITRE D'\nLet's go.\n\nGEORGE\nIf I could talk to the guy for just\na sec...\n\nJerry and George are ejected from the Friars Club.\n\n(Theatre)\n\nElaine and Bob sit in the same box used by Jerry, George, Susan\nand Hallie.\n\nElaine looks distinctly unenthused at the prospect of spending\nthe evening\n\nwith Bob. Bob looks delighted to be ensconced with Elaine.\n\nBOB\nThese seats are fantastic. It was really\nnice of Mr Peterman to give us\n\nthese tickets.\n\nELAINE\n(flat) Yeah, yeah. Was nice.\n\nBob slips one hand round the back of Elaine's seat and leans\nslightly toward\n\nher.\n\nBOB\n(smiling) Yeah. Got our own little private\nbox here, don't we?\n\nElaine looks at Bob, wondering what he's talking about. Bob dives\nacross at\n\nElaine, putting his arms round her and his face on her chest.\n\nELAINE\n(pushing Bob away) Get offa me! Stop\nit. Stop it.\n\nElaine succeeds in heaving Bob away from her. She looks at him,\nangrily.\n\nELAINE\nGet offa me!\n\nBob stands for a few seconds, with Elaine glaring at him. Then\nhe dives in\n\nfor another go. Elaine struggles with him again.\n\nELAINE\nGet a hold of yourself, Bob! (throwing\nBob back between the seats)\n\nGet a hold of yourself!\n\nBob slowly gets to his feet. Elaine glares at him, and Bob shamefacedly\n\nshuffles away out of the box.\n\n(Theatre, Backstage)\n\nJerry and George come round a corner in a dingy corridor at the\ntheatre.\n\nJERRY\nI dunno how that guy gave us the slip\nat the Friars Club.\n\nGEORGE\nI told you, he probably went out the\nback.\n\nAlong the corridor comes the Sandos Brother who took Jerry's\njacket. He has a\n\njacket slung over one shoulder. Jerry and George collide with\nhim.\n\nJERRY\nOuf.\n\nJerry recognises the guy.\n\nJERRY\nHey. It's you! (pointing) Th..that's\nmy Friars Club jacket!\n\nSANDOS BROTHER 1\nNo, it is not. It is my jacket.\n\nThe Sandos Brother backs away from the advancing Jerry and George.\n\nJERRY\n(adamant) No, no, no. That's my jacket,\ngive it back.\n\nSANDOS BROTHER 1\nNo, it is not. This is mine.\n\nJERRY\nC'mon I need it.\n\nJerry grabs hold of the jacket and begins a tug-of-war with it.\nGeorge joins\n\nin, trying to release the grip of the Sandos Brother. The door\nto 'Dressing\n\nRoom 3' opens and Hallie emerges and watches the struggle.\n\nJERRY\n(determined) I wanna join. I need it\nto become a member.\n\nGEORGE\nGive 'im the jacket already!\n\nJerry and George succeed in taking the jacket. The Sandos Brother\nruns away\n\ndown the corridor, shouting.\n\nSANDOS BROTHER 1\n(yelling) Help! Help! (foreign language)\nAzobar! Azobar\n\ndisay!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's he yelling about? They're stealing\njackets here!\n\nJERRY\nCan you believe it?!\n\nJerry looks at the jacket they took, and notices something.\n\nJERRY\n(examining) Hey George, you know what?\nI think this crest is\n\ndifferent. It's got a moose on it.\n\nGEORGE\nMoose?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. (subdued) I don't think this is\nthe jacket.\n\nHALLIE\nNo, it's not.\n\nHallie reaches inside the door of Dressing Room 3 and pulls out\na jacket on a\n\nhanger.\n\nHALLIE\nThis is the jacket.\n\nJerry and George look mortified. Hallie brings the jacket over\nto Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nOhh, you got the jacket back.\n\nGEORGE\nOhh, yeahh.\n\nJERRY\n(taking the jacket) Thank you.\n\nHALLIE\nIt got a little dirty, so they wanted\nto clean it before they gave it\n\nback to you.\n\nJERRY\nOh. (smiling) Oh, that's nice of 'em.\n\nGEORGE\n(smiling) That is really nice.\n\nHALLIE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nHALLIE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nThis is nice.\n\nJERRY\nYeahh.\n\nHALLIE\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\n(forced buoyancy) Hey, you know, let's\ncall Susan, we'll go have\n\ncoffee.\n\nHALLIE\n(flat) I'll see you at the wedding.\n\nHallie walks away, leaving George's Gatsby ambitions in tatters.\n\n(Theatre)\n\nElaine sits alone in the box. Something on the floor catches\nher eye. It's\n\nBob's hearing-aid earpiece. Elaine picks it up, and it occurs\nto her that she\n\nhas the opportunity she wanted. She wipes the earpiece on the\nlapel of her\n\njacket and carefully slips it over her ear. Elaine cocks her\nhead on one\n\nside, listening to see if it makes a difference.\n\n(Theatre, Backstage)\n\nJerry and George walk along backstage. Jerry has his jacket,\nand George is\n\ncarrying the Sandos Brother's jacket, looking sullen.\n\nGEORGE\n(moody) Great! Now she's sour!\n\nJERRY\nMaybe she'll sweeten.\n\nGEORGE\n(angry) She won't sweeten, and I'm bitter!\n\nBehind Jerry and George, the Flying Sandos Brothers appear. They\nlook over\n\ntoward Jerry and George.\n\nSANDOS BROTHER 1\n(pointing) There they are!\n\nThe Sandos Brothers set off running after Jerry and George. George\nhurriedly\n\nputs the jacket down on a table, as he and Jerry begin to hasten.\n\nGEORGE\nHere. (panicky) We'll leave it here\nfor you!\n\nJerry and George run away, as the Sandos Brothers advance.\n\nGeorge is on the lead as he and Jerry reach a door marked 'Emergency\nExit.\n\nAlarm will sound'. George pushes the door open and he and Jerry\ndart through.\n\nAs they do, a loud alarm bell begins to ring.\n\n(Theatre)\n\nElaine is sitting wearing the earpiece when the alarm sounds.\nObviously, the\n\nearpiece works, as Elaine spasms in pain at the ringing. She\nclutches her\n\nhands to her ears and jerks off her seat, falling out of sight\nonto the floor\n\nof the box.\n\n(Hallway, Apartment Building)\n\nKramer stands outside the door to an apartment, flanked by two\nother guys.\n\nOne of the guys knocks at the door. After a few seconds, it is\nopened by\n\nConnie.\n\nKRAMER\n(pointing) That's her, officer.\n\nCONNIE\n(shocked) Kramer! Oh my god, I thought\nyou were...\n\nKRAMER\n(animated) What? Sleeping with the fishes?\nI guess I woke up!\n\nThe detective shows his shield to Connie.\n\nDETECTIVE\nYou're under arrest for the attempted\nmurder of Cosmo Kramer.\n\nCONNIE\n(defensive) I didn't do anything.\n\nKRAMER\n(sarcastic) Oh, yeah! Yeah!\n\nDETECTIVE\nGet your coat, we gotta take you in.\n\nCONNIE\nCan I call my lawyer?\n\nDETECTIVE\nOkay, go ahead.\n\nConnie goes back into her apartment.\n\n(Connie's Apartment/Lawyer's Office)\n\nCONNIE\n(on phone) You gotta meet me at the\npolice station. They're arresting me\nfor attempted murder.\n\nOn the phone in his office is Jackie Chiles.\n\nJACKIE\nAttempted murder? Of whom?\n\nCONNIE\nThis guy, Kramer.\n\nJACKIE\nOh. (hesitantly) Cosmo Kramer?\n\nCONNIE\n(surprised) Yeah, that's right.\n\nJACKIE\n(adamant) I don't want nothing to do\nwith it.\n\nJackie puts down his phone and looks glad to have escaped.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Wig-Master.html",
    "text": "THE WIG MASTER\n\nWritten by\n\nSpike Feresten\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nI really like the wig historically.\nI guess the revolutionary war, the last\nwar fought in wig, and it seems that\nit must have been hard. You know they're\ngoing in to battle, they think.. well\ndo I have my bullets? Do I have my bobby\npins.. and you got to make sure you\nhave everything... lot more to worry\nabout What if I get killed.? Is my wig\non straight? I don't know when the whole\nwig thing came in to style for men...\nbut I know when it went out.! When the\nmirror was invented. No guy is looking\nin the mirror powdering a patch of horsehair\non his head going ..All right! lets\ngo rap to the ladies..\n\n(Andover shop)\n\nJERRY\nI'm looking for a crested blazer\n\nCRAIG\nA crested blazer..\n\nJERRY\nI've worn one once and I really think\nit did something for me.\n\nCRAIG\n(turning around): Yes .I Think we may\nhave something.\n\n(picks up a blazer) The Joseph Aboud crested blazer is the finest....\n\nThat's hand ticking around the crest and these are the world\nfamous\n\nCorriso buttons made from the finest Andulo corn.\n\nJERRY\n(softly) Hmm.. they'll match my sneakers.\n\nCRAIG\nIt looks fabulous on you... shall I\nwrap it up?\n\nJERRY\nYou know...I'm not sure. I'll tell you\nwhat. I'll come back later with someone\nand see what they think.\n\nCRAIG\n(doubtful) A Hum!\n\nJERRY\nReally I'll be back.\n\nCRAIG\nYeah!\n\nCuts to Jerry's apartment.\n\nGeorge is pacing back and forth with the phone and Elaine and\nJerry are talking.\n\nJERRY\nSo I didn't like the crest all that\nmuch., but the guy spent fifteen minutes\nwith me so to get out of the store I\ntold I wanted to see what someone else\nthought.... And then he makes a face\nlike he doesn't believe me.\n\nELAINE\nAh! So he knew that you were making\nit up!\n\nJERRY\nYeah..... He caught me. So here's what\nI want you to do. Come back with me\nto the store and we'll pretend to look\nat the coat.\n\nELAINE\nThat's ridiculous. Why do do you want\nto go back there if you don't want the\ncoat?\n\nJERRY\nBecause he thinks I was lying and I\nwant to show him I wasn't.\n\nELAINE\nBut you were!!\n\nJERRY\nBut if you go back with me, then I'm\nnot.\n\nGEORGE\n(still on the phone) All right fine....\nWhatever\n\nKramer walks in.\n\nJERRY\n(to George) Problems with the house\nguest?\n\nELAINE\nWhat house guest?\n\nGEORGE\nThis friend of Susan's is staying with\nus for two weeks...Now am I wrong or\nis that excessive?\n\nKRAMER\nWell Bob Sacamano he stayed with me\nonce for a year and a half.\n\nELAINE\nWho is he?\n\nGEORGE\nHe's a wig master\n\nELAINE\nWhat is a wig master?\n\nGEORGE\nHe's with the touring company of Joseph\nand the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.\nHe's the guy in charge of the wigs.\n\nJERRY\nBoy.. imagine.. liking wigs to the point\nit becomes a career choice.\n\nKRAMER\nAbout some tickets George, you know\nI'd kill for a peek..\n\nGEORGE\n(leaving) Yeah, Sure, sure,,, I got\nto drop my car off at the new lot.\n\nKRAMER\nEuh what...What lot is that?\n\nGEORGE\nJiffy Park. It's incredible.. Seventy-five\ndollars a month.\n\nKRAMER\nSeventy -five bucks a month!\n\nGEORGE\nYeah and you get this really cool T-shirt\nwhen you sign on..\n\nKRAMER\nOh I'm down.\n\nCuts to the Andover shop\n\nJERRY\n(proud of himself) Remember me? I said\nI 'd come back with someone and I did.\n\nSurprised?.\n\nCRAIG\nNo I believed you.\n\nJERRY\nYeah.... well Elaine.\n\nELAINE\n(looking up to the salesman)\n\nCRAIG\nOh!... hello I'm Craig.\n\nELAINE\n.....Hi.\n\nCRAIG\nwell (picks up the blazer again) here\nit is.\n\nELAINE\nOh!!.....Joseph Aboud .. and look at\nthis hand ticking around the crest.\n\nCRAIG\nYou know your coats?\n\nELAINE\nWell I'm in the biz .. I work for J.\nPeterman.\n\nCRAIG\nI love J. Peterman.\n\nELAINE\n(giggling) Ohhh!!.\n\nCRAIG\nI especially enjoy the catalogue, those\nfanciful narratives really take me away..\n\nELAINE\nOhhh!! really ..well you know what,\nI write those.\n\nCRAIG\nNo!!!\n\nELAINE\nYeeeahh!!!\n\nJERRY\n(impatiently cutting in) Hey Elaine\nWhat about the crest.? What d'you think\nof the crest\n\nhere.\n\nElaine Well I love it...\n\nJERRY\nYou what??\n\nELAINE\nI think it's great. I think you should\nget it.\n\nCRAIG\nWell .... Will it be check or credit\ncard?\n\nJERRY\n(giving up) Check.\n\nCRAIG\nI'll need you to write down your phone\nnumber on the check for me. (turning\nto Elaine)\n\nPerhaps you could do the same.\n\nELAINE\n(laughs and giggles like a schoolgirl)\n\nCuts to a street where Jerry & Elaine are walking\n\nJERRY\nYou weren't supposed to say that.\n\nELAINE\nBut I really did like it\n\nJERRY\nThat's not the point. You put me in\na position where I had no choice.\n\nELAINE\nuhn... Sorry!\n\nJERRY\nAnd what about that guy asking you out\nright in front of me?\n\nELAINE\nWhat is the big deal!!\n\nJERRY\n...'s very emasculating, he doesn't\nknow the nature of our relationship.\nYou're\n\nthere approving new clothes.....That's a girlfriend job! How\ndare he!!\n\nELAINE\nHe dared....\n\nCuts to George's apartment as he comes in.\n\nETHAN\n(sitting in the couch and combing his\nwigs)Hi George.. How was your day?\n\nGEORGE\nGood....good day (not too convincing)\nYou?\n\nETHAN\nI am getting so much work done.....\nSee?\n\nGEORGE\nVery nice\n\nSUSAN\n(walks in) Hi sweety How was your day?\n\nETHAN\nI already ask him that. He said Good...Good\nday....\n\nGeorge scratches his head and the scene cuts to Jerry and Kramer's\nhallway\n\nKRAMER\n(frantically pulling at his doorknob)\nThank god you're home. I'm wiped out.\n\nI drop my car at Jiffy Park and I forgot to take my apartment\nkeys off the ring.\n\nSo you got my spare?\n\nJERRY\nNo I gave it back to you\n\nKRAMER\ny'did.........phfwelll. Look.. hum.....\nCan you take me over there?\n\nJERRY\nOh Come on!!\n\nKRAMER\nOh Come on Jerry, It's all the way over\nto twelfth avenue..\n\nJERRY\n: I didn,t tell you to park in that\nlot .. Now someone's gonna have\n\nto drive you every time you need your car.? Take the bus!\n\nKRAMER\nI'm not going to take the bus that's\nwhy I got a car!\n\nJERRY\nForget it.\n\nKRAMER\nAwright I'm gonna get George to pick\nme up.\n\nJERRY\nHe wont take ya..\n\nKramer picks up the phone, calls George\n\nPhone rings at Georges and he's sitting between Susan and the\nwig master.\n\nGEORGE\n(grabs the phone quick) Got it, Got\nit,...Hello?\n\nKRAMER\nListen, Can you take me over to the\nJiffy Park?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah,yeah!! I'll pick you up right now.....All\nright All right....Hey! gotta go.\n\nCuts to Georges car. Kramer changes the stations on the radio\n\nGEORGE\nSo the Wig master.......the Wig master\nsaid you could stop by the theater tonight..\n\nand he'll show you around.\n\nGEORGE\nWOULD YOU PICK A STATION!!!!!\n\nKRAMER\nI like 'em all(still fiddles with the\nradio)\n\nGEORGE\nAw great. Now the volume knob fell off\n\nKRAMER\n(seems to pickup something on the floor)\n....'s'this?\n\nKRAMER\nGawd!!!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nThat's a....ca.....ca..........Condom!!\n\nThey both shriek and the scene cuts to Monks\n\nELAINE\nHow do you like working there at the\n.... hum...Andover shop?\n\nI mean it'sa pretty swanky upscale clientele.\n\nCRAIG\nHmmm\n\nELAINE\nexcept for Jerry!(laughs)\n\nCRAIG\nSo did you see anything you'd like....\n\nELAINE\nOh!!!\n\nCRAIG\nCause I can get you a considerable discount.\n\nElaine Really!...Well actually yeah I did see this ......'mazing\nlittle black dress...it was sleeveless....\n\nCRAIG\nThe Nicole Miller\n\nELAINE\nYeah..Yeah...\n\nCRAIG\nI'll take care of it.\n\nELAINE\nReally....but I barely know you.\n\nCRAIG\nWell...hum.....we'll just have to do\nsomething about that. Won't we.\n\nELAINE\nAh! Ah!ah!\n\nJerry peeks into Monks window then comes in as Craig is leaving.\n\nJERRY\nHey! Greg\n\nCRAIG\nIt's Craig\n\nJERRY\nAh! right...nice. Lunch with Elaine?\n\nCRAIG\nYes lovely.\n\nJerry You know 'm just curious, How did you know she wasn't my\ngirlfriend?\n\nCRAIG\nWell I could just sense it\n\nJERRY\nBecause you know we used to go out.\n\nCRAIG\nOh! you did\n\nJERRY\nOh Yeah we went way out and wild.\n\nELAINE\nHey Jerr...\n\nJERRY\nHi Elaine.\n\nIn comes a lady selling roses\n\nLADY\nWould you like to buy a rose for your\nwife? ( to Craig)\n\nCraig and Elaine both laugh\n\nJERRY\nHow do you know she's not my wife?\n\nCuts to the Jiffy Park\n\nGEORGE\nI want to know how did that get into\nmy car?\n\nATTENDANT\nHey look ..You walk in to this city\nyou got to expect things are gonna\n\nstick to your foot. You open in your car and Bing!! Condom.\n\nGEORGE\nThat doesn't explain the lipstick on\nthe dashboard?\n\nATTENDANT\nHere take a few shirts....\n\nA man walks over the attendant and whispers in to his ears.\n\nATTENDANT\nI'm terribly sorry Mr Kramer but we\ncan't get your car now, the keys seems\n\nto have been misplaced.\n\nKRAMER\nWait a minute I need those keys. I wont\nbe able to get into my apartment.\n\nATTENDANT\nAaye Mr Kramer....You like Cadillacs?\n\nKRAMER\n...Yeah I like Cadillacs (cautiously)\nWhy ? What you got on your mind?\n\nATTENDANT\nTake that pink Eldorado Cadillac over\nthere, it's a Mary Kay car....\n\nKRAMER\nMary Kay uh?\n\nATTENDANT\nMary Kay car..\n\nKRAMER\n(to George) Well listen See you later\n..thanks for driving me by..\n\nTwo prostitutes walk up to a car\n\nHOOKER\nHey!! Whats happening?\n\nGEORGE\nWe're gonna hang around here a little\nwhile....something funny going on here\n\nCuts to Jerry's apartment\n\nELAINE\nYou were wrong about Craig . He's a\nvery sweet guy.\n\nJERRY\nWell, what about the ponytail?\n\nELAINE\nwhat about it?\n\nJERRY\n: C'mon Ponytail ...Get real.\n\nELAINE\nAll I know he's promised me a discount\non that dress.\n\nJERRY\nOf course he did ..The guy's working\nya.\n\nELAINE\nAh! Jerry I've been around long enough\nto know when I'm being worked.\n\nJERRY\nHave you slept with him yet?\n\nELAINE\nI just met him this morning.\n\nJERRY\nIt's been known to happen....... telling\nyou right now Elaine, this guy 's gonna\ndangle\n\nthat dress in front of you like a dirt farmer dangles a carrot\nin front of a mule.\n\nELAINE\n. Well this is all very flattering...\n\nJERRY\n(interrupts)like a shark fisherman with\na bucket of (?) Ch....\n\nELAINE\nOk....\n\nJERRY\n(continues)Like a shrimp farmer....\n\nELAINE\nOKAY!!!\n\nCuts to the Majestic Theater.\n\nETHAN\nWell that's the grand tour ... Aw but\nI save the best for last...\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah!!\n\nETHAN\nBehold .. The Technicolor Dreamcoat.\n\nKramer Oooooh ...Pops .... Wow!! Spectacular.\n\nCuts to the Jiffy Park\n\nGEORGE\nS'cuse me ..Do you mind if I ask you\na few questions?\n\nHOOKER\nAre you a cop??\n\nGEORGE\nOh No nonono I'm not a cop ...Heum...\nI work for the Yankees.\n\nHOOKER\nUrghh They stink.\n\nGEORGE\nNevertheless.. I was wondering if you\nand your .friends are doing business\n\nhere at the Jiffy Park.... You know ..hum What do you people\ncall it? Turning tricks?\n\nAnyway I...I....found a condom in my car....and I'm not saying\nit's yours but.... I\n\nwant to know if I should just change parking lots.\n\nHOOKER\nGet lost mister, I'm trying to make\na living here.\n\nGEORGE\nI'll pay you for your time....I just\n..I just need some information . How\nmuch do you want?\n\nten....fifteen? You have change for twenty?\n\nHOOKER\nFifteen?\n\nSUSAN\n(walks in) George?\n\nGEORGE\nHi honey..\n\nHooker picks up the money as George looks embarrassed.\n\nScene cuts to George's apartment.\n\nSUSAN\n..So you're telling me the truth?\n\nGEORGE\nOf Course I'm telling the truth.\n\nSUSAN\nBecause I have to be able to trust you...\nIf I can't trust you then there's no\nway that\n\nthis can work.\n\nGEORGE\nReally!\n\nSUSAN\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nWell then...then you really have something\nto think about because.....you know\nif there's\n\nany doubt in your mind ....and.. and,, it doesn't even have to\nbe a big doubt, you know\n\neven a tiny doubt, a DOT of a doubt.. and.....\n\nSUSAN\nThere's no doubt.\n\nGEORGE\nBecause if there's any doubt at all\nI...I feel we should cultivate it.\n\nSUSAN\nCultivate it?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, you know. Deal with it .We have\nto deal with the doubt, Susan The DOUBT!!\nMust be\n\ndealt with.\n\nSUSAN\nI have no doubt George. Do you?\n\nGEORGE\n(hesitates) ...Nooooooooooo...\n\nCuts to Elaine and Craig waljing on the street.\n\nELAINE\nYou know... I can't wait to get that\ndress..\n\nCRAIG\nYeah... It should arrive eminently.\n\nELAINE\nArrive?\n\nCRAIG.\nYes! From Milan.\n\nELAINE\nBut you said it was in the store!.\n\nCRAIG\nNo no no We sold out we had to order\nsome more.\n\nELAINE\nBut I thought .. Nicole Miller was made.......\n\nCRAIG\n(Interrupts) Eeen!!!\n\nIAN\nHey Craig.\n\nCRAIG\nElaine this is Een.\n\nELAINE\nHi E-an\n\nIAN\nEen..\n\nELAINE\nE-an\n\nCRAIG\nEen... He's a friend a mine from England\n\nIAN\n(word missing) What are doing?\n\nCRAIG\nI'm working at the Andover shop actually....You\nshould come by. I'll get you a\n\ngreat discount.\n\nIAN\nMaybe I will. Nice meeting you.\n\nELAINE\nOh..Nice to meet you.\n\nCRAIG\nBye\n\nIAN\n..Cheery-o\n\nELAINE\nBye Eeeen.\n\nELAINE\nSo you're giving him a discount too?\n\nCRAIG\nHummm Why so surprised?\n\nELAINE\nHem!! No reason.\n\nCuts to Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Kramer are watching tv.\n\nJERRY\nYou know that clothing salesman had\na lot of nerve hitting on Elaine right\nin front of me.\n\nHe stands to make a big commission too on that jacket with the\ncrest that nobody seems\n\nto like. You know what I'm gonna do.? I'm gonna take that jacket\nback.. I'm putting this guy\n\n....RIGHT OUT OF COMMISSION....\n\nKRAMER\nHeeeeeummmrph.... I'm gonna turn in\n\nJERRY\nTurn in?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah,I had a tough day\n\nJERRY\nIt's only nine o clock.\n\nKRAMER\nWell ..I don't argue with the body Jerry.\nIt's an argument you can't win.\n\nJERRY\nI can't go to sleep at nine o clock!\n\nKRAMER\nWell you can go to your room and read.\n\nJERRY\nHey look,you know, you're the one who's\nlocked out. I'm letting you stay here.\n\nYou're wearing my bathrobe. You should adapt to me.\n\nKRAMER\nBut I'm tired..\n\nJERRY\nOh why don't you go sleep over at Newman's.\n\nKRAMER\nAah! He's got a girl up there. This\nquilt is too thin...I know I'm gonna\nget cold.\n\nI don't even fit on this couch. Don't even know if I'm gonna\nsleep....\n\nJERRY\nWell that's all I got.\n\nKRAMER\nCan I sleep with you?\n\nJERRY\nHuh?\n\nKRAMER\nWell you got that big comfortable bed\nand that nice warm quilt.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, there's no way you're sleeping\nwith me.\n\nKRAMER\nWhy?\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah!\n\nJERRY\nDo I really have to explain why?\n\nKRAMER\nWell I......( Elaine pops in at that\nmoment)\n\nELAINE\nHi!.\n\nKRAMER\nHi...........What's that?\n\nELAINE\nSquire's walking stick. I had to write\nabout it for the catalogue.\n\nKRAMER\nWow.\n\nELAINE\nYou want it?\n\nKRAMER\nYeaaahmm....\n\nELAINE\nYou can have,I don't need it anymore.\n\nKRAMER\nOoh Mama...( walks away)\n\nELAINE\nOk so ..I am positive you are wrong\nabout Craig.\n\nJERRY\nYeah Why?\n\nELAINE\nBecause he told a man he'd give him\na discount too... a man Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nSo,Who is he?\n\nELAINE\nSome friend of his from England.\n\nJERRY\nDon't you see?...........It's all a\nbig scam.\n\nELAINE\nYou're nuts!\n\nKRAMER\nHow do you know he's not wondering the\nsame thing about you?\n\nELAINE\nWhat d'you mean?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat do I mean?.. Well perhaps he thinks\nthat you're working him for the\n\ndiscount. Shaking that little butt of yours into big, big savings....\nAnd then when\n\nyou get it,you know, you drop him like a hot potato.\n\nELAINE\nAawwh Please.....\n\nKRAMER\nNow see the two of you need to work\non trust... and then and only then will\nthere be a free\n\nexchange of sex and discounts.. Cornerstones of a healthy relationship....and\nnow if you\n\nwould (taps twice on the door) excuse us. We need to get to bed.\n\nScene cuts to Jerry's bed. Lights are out. Kramer opens the light\nand starts to read.\n\nKRAMER\n(softly)hmmm....patio furniture's on\nsale.\n\nCuts to the Jiffy Park the next morning.\n\nGEORGE\nExcuse me...huh... I think I made a\nbig mistake. I'd like my deposit back\nplease.\n\nATTENDANT\nWhats the problem\n\nGEORGE\nYou got hookers turning tricks in my\ncar. How's that for starters.\n\nATTENDANT\nHaaan! That is all hearsay.\n\nGEORGE\nAllright, very good I'd like my car\nand my deposit back please\n\nATTENDANT\nCan't do it'\n\nGEORGE\nWhadday'mean.?\n\nATTENDANT\nIf you read the agreement you signed\nthe deposit is not refundable.\n\nGEORGE\nWell does it say anywhere in the contract\nabout my car being used as a whorehouse?\n\n'Cause I don't remember reading that clause either..\n\nATTENDANT\nWhat can I tell you buddy. Take it up\nwith Consumer Affairs.\n\nGEORGE\n. All right, just give me my car and\nlet me get the hell out of here.\n\nATTENDANT\nWell that's going to be a problem\n\nGEORGE\nWhy?\n\nATTENDANT\nIt's all the way in the back. Can't\nget it out for a couple of days.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you talking about.. I WANT\nMY CAR!!\n\nATTENDANT\nWe ask that you please bear with us.\n\nGEORGE\nBear with you! This is a parking lot\nPEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO GET\n\nTHEIR CARS!!!\n\nATTENDANT\nIdeally..\n\nScene cuts to the Andover shop.\n\nJERRY\nExcuse me I'd like to return this jacket.\n\nTELLER\nCertainly. May I ask why?\n\nJERRY\n........For spite...\n\nTELLER\nSpite?\n\nJERRY\nThat's right. I don't care for the salesman\nthat sold it to me.\n\nTELLER\nI don't think you can return an item\nfor spite.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you mean?\n\nTELLER\nWell if there was some problem with\nthe garment. If it were unsatisfactory\nin some way,then\n\nwe could do it for you, but I'm afraid spite doesn't fit into\nany of our conditions for a refund\n\nJERRY\nThat's ridiculous, I want to return\nit. What's the difference what the reason\nis.\n\nTELLER\nLet me speak with the manager...excuse\nme .............Bob!\n\n(walks over to the manager and whispers)\n\nTeller ........spite.....(Manager walks over)\n\nBOB\nWhat seems to be the problem?\n\nJERRY\nWell I want to return this jacket and\nshe asked me why and I said for spite\nand now she\n\nwon't take it back.\n\nBOB\nThat's true. You can't return an item\nbased purely on spite.\n\nJERRY\n. Well So fine then ..then I don't want\nit and then that's why I'm returning\nit\n\nBOB\nWell you already said spite so......\n\nJERRY\nBut I changed my mind..\n\nBOB\nNo...you said spite...Too late.\n\nCuts to a terrace where Kramer is sitting with Ethan and a woman.\n\nThey make fun of a woman walking by.\n\nKRAMER\nIt's Halloween (not sure)\n\nCHARMAINE\nGet a calendar honey! It's the 90's\n\nKRAMER\nHey! Elaine..\n\nJERRY\nOH! Hey!!\n\nKRAMER\nThese are my friends Jerry and Elaine.\n\nJERRY & E\nHi! How 'r u doing?\n\nCHARMAINE\nHi I'm Charmaine\n\nETHAN\nI'm Ethan\n\nKRAMER\nYes, she's the costume designer and\nhe's the wig master for the show.\n\nJERRY\nHey You're staying with my friend George.\n\nETHAN\nRight George! I get the feeling he doesn't\nwant me there.\n\nJERRY\nWell he doesn't even want himself there.\n\n(They all laugh)\n\nCHARMAINE\nWhy don't you sit down and join us?\n\nJERRY\nAll right. (sits down)\n\nELAINE\nI can't I 've got to meet a friend.\n\nKRAMER\nWell what are we ...dog meat.\n\nEthan (to waiter) ....Champagne Coolies, please.\n\nETHAN\n(to Elaine) You've got really beautiful\nhair.\n\nElaine Oh Thanks, thank you very much.\n\nETHAN\nHave you ever thought about selling\nit .It would make a brilliant wig..\n\nJERRY\nThey make wigs out of human hairs?\n\nEthan ..And pay plenty for them.\n\nELAINE\nWell you guys are gonna have fun here\nso..bye take care\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. See ou later..\n\nALL\nBye, now...\n\nCHARMAINE\nOh! I just remembered I 've got to get\nthe Dreamcoat from the dry cleaners\n\nKramer Hey! You gonna let me try the\nother one right?'\n\nCHARMAINE\nYeah. But you gonna have to be really\ncareful with it, it's my only backup.\n\nKRAMER\nHey! Who do you think you're talking\nto.\n\nCHARMAINE\nOk. Buh- bye!\n\nKRAMER\nBye!!\n\nJERRY\nBye!\n\n(they both leave. Jerry and Ethan are alone)\n\nETHAN\nThere's your Champagne Coolie. Well\nlooks like it's just you and me cowboy!.\n\nJERRY\n...Guess so.\n\nScene cuts to Elaine's appt.\n\nELAINE\nWell, Here we are.\n\nCRAIG\nI....am..beat.(sits on the couch)\n\nELAINE\n(sighs)\n\nCRAIG\nOhh! that's nice.\n\nELAINE\nSo.ehmmmm. so, do you have any ideas\nwhen the Nicole Millers are coming in?\n\nCRAIG\nOh! yeah. The Nicole Millers ...hemm..\nWell the funniest thing.\n\nELAINE\nHuh!\n\nCRAIG\nI've learned that the new shipment's\ncoming in by boat...\n\nwhich does tend to take a little longer with, you know,what\nwith the waves and all\n\n.. So you'll just have to be a little bit patient .\n\nELAINE\nHummm.... so you've no idea when.. they'll\narrive.\n\nCRAIG\n(yawns) ...Nno....I really don't......\n\nBack to the terrace with Jerry and Ethan\n\nETHAN\nHow can she go with a guy like that\n, he's a mess... I just don't see them\ntogether at all\n\nA man approaches.\n\nJESSIE\nEthan?\n\nETHAN\nYes..\n\nJESSIE\n. Hi it's me Jessie....George Hamilton's\npersonal assistant.\n\nETHAN\n. Right, Right.\n\nBoth greet each other\n\nETHAN\nHow you doin'?\n\nJESSIE\nnice to see you..\n\nETHAN\nThis is Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHello..\n\nJESSIE\n. yeah, hummm ( turns back to Ethan)\nEthan,what brings you in to town.\n\nETHAN\nI'm touring with Joseph and the Amazing\nTechnicolor Dreamcoat\n\nJESSIE\nYou're kidding... Listen maybe you and\nI should...ehmmm get together . Have\nyou\n\nbeen on the slide at Club USA it's ...intense.\n\nJERRY\n(Interrupts) Excuse me...Excuse me...\nAre you asking him out ?\n\nJESSIE\nYeah...I guess you could say that..\n\nJERRY\nRight in front of me!. How do you know\nwe're not together. Two guys,sittin'\nlaughin'\n\ndrinking Champagne Coolies.\n\nJESSIE\nI dunno I just didn't think you were.\n\nJERRY\nWell we're sitting here together. Why\nwouldn't you think that.\n\nJESSIE\nI dont know. I just didn't.\n\nJERRY\nWell it's very emasculating..\n\nJessie looks befuddled and leaves.\n\nBack to Elaine's phone rings.\n\nELAINE\nHello.\n\nBOB\n. Hi this is Bob from the Andover Shop.\nI'm trying to reach Craig Stewart. He\nleft this\n\nnumber.\n\nELAINE\nUhmmm huh! Is it important.?\n\nBOB\nWell.....\n\nELAINE\nLet me ask you something. ahemm..Do\nyou know when the Nicole Millers are\ncoming in from\n\nMilan?.\n\nBOB\nNicole Millers, We're not expecting\nany Nicole Millers, in fact we have\ntoo many as it is.\n\nElaine Well do you have any in a... size four.?\n\nBOB\nYes several.. Just tell him he doesn't\nhave to be in tomorrow before Eleven.\n\nELAINE\n(sarcastically) Oh! yeah I'll make sure\nhe gets the message.\n\nElaine then looks at the sleeping Craig and thinks They make\nwigs out of human hair....And pay\n\nplenty for them.\n\nshe then picks up a pair of scissors..\n\nScene cuts to a woman in a white coat and hat leaving a store.\nHer hat gets caught in a gust of wind.\n\nand starts rolling down the street. Kramer picks up the hat with\nthe walking stick and puts it on.\n\nHe struts down the street with the Dreamcoat/hat/stick looking\nvery much like a stereotype pimp.\n\nHe goes to the Jiffy Park to pick up the Cadillac\n\nKRAMER\n(looks inside the car and gasps) Ohhh\nSweet Maria. Hey! lets go.\n\nOut comes the hooker with a client.\n\nKRAMER\nHey What are you doing in my car? Hey!Hey!Hey!\nWhere you going.\n\nHOOKER\nHey. You just cost me some money Mr.(starts\nhitting Kramer)\n\nKRAMER\nCool it lady ( they struggle and we\nhere a siren)\n\nPOLICE\nPolicer officer. Freeze right there.\n\nAs the credits roll we hear an officer telling Kramer who is\nto get his picture taken.\n\nPOLICE\nOK Big Daddy. Take the hat off......\nawright turn to your right...(Kramer\nhesitates) I SAID TURN PIMP.\n\nKRAMER\n(cries) I'M NOT A PIMP!!!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Calzone.html",
    "text": "THE CALZONE\n\nWritten by\n\nAlec Berg & Jeff Schaffer\n\n(George in a meeting at Yankee Stadium)\n\nGEORGE\nI believe the doors on the bathroom\nstalls, here at the stadium, don't offer\nmuch by way of privacy. But I was thinking\nif we extend the doors all the way to\nthe floors...\n\nMR. STEINBRENNER\nAll the way to the floor! What are you\ncrazy! You'd suffocate in there. Your\nlucky you have any doors at all. You\nknow when I was in the army... Hey Costanza.\nWhat's that your eating over there?\nIt looks pretty tasty.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's a calzone, sir.\n\nMR. STEINBRENNER\nA calzone huh. Pass it down here. Let's\nhave a look at at it. I want a little\ntaste. Come on, come on. Pass it down\nhere. That's a good boy. Okay. What's\nin this thing?\n\nGEORGE\nUh. Cheese, pepperoni, eggplant.\n\nMR. STEINBRENNER\nEggplant. Yes. That's a hell of a thing.\nOkay let's get back to business. Okay\nhere you go. Very good, very good. Excellent.\nExcellent calzone you got there Costanza.\nOkay a little jealous now. Okay let's\ngo. Ok last week.... You know that eggplant\nwas very good. Everybody out. I got\neggplant on my mind. Costanza get me\ncouple of those calzones right now.\nPronto. Move out. Big Stein wants an\neggplant calzone. Must have one. Everybody\nout. Out.\n\n(Jerry and Elaine at apartment)\n\nELAINE\nOne of those fabric wholesalers. This\nguy Todd Gack. I won a bet from him.\n\nJERRY\nWhat bet?\n\nELAINE\nHe bet me Dustin Hoffman was in Star\nWars.\n\nJERRY\nDustin Hoffman in Star Wars!?! Short\nJewish guy against Darth Vader. I don't\nthink so.\n\nELAINE\nThat's what I said.\n\nJERRY\nSo the bet was that the loser has to\nbuy dinner?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nHuh.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nNo, nothing.\n\nKramer walks in\n\nJERRY\nWhat's with you?\n\nKRAMER\nFeel this.\n\nJERRY\nWow.That's hot.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. It's piquing hot. It's fresh out\nof the dryer. Hey Elaine\n\nyou have to feel my pants.\n\nELAINE\nI'll see you later.\n\nKRAMER\nOh. All right. You don't know what your\nmissing. I'm loving this\n\nJerry. I am never putting on another piece of clothing unless\nit's straight out of the dryer.\n\nJERRY\nSo know every time you get dressed.\nYou are going to go down to the basement\nand use the dryer.\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah. It's a warm and wonderful feeling,\nJerry. So what are you doing later?\n\nJERRY\nI got a date with Nikki.\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah she's a beauty.\n\nJERRY\nShe's also quite bold.\n\nKRAMER\nOh bold and beautiful.\n\nGeorge and Mr. Steinbrenner at Yankee Stadium\n\nMR. STEINBRENNER\nI am loving this calzone. The pita pocket\nprevents it from dripping. The pita\npocket. (phone rings) What is it Watson?\nA lost and found? No. I don't think\nwe need that. If people keel over because\nthey lost something that's there tough\nluck. You got a drip on your mouth by\nthe way.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know a lost and found could be a\ngood idea.\n\nMR. STEINBRENNER\nHold on Watson. You like lost and found\nGeorge?\n\nGEORGE\nDefinitely.\n\nMR. STEINBRENNER\nAll right lost and found. But there's\ngot to be a time limit. We're not running\na pawn shop here.\n\nJerry and Nikki at movies\n\nJERRY\nHey, Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nHi Jerry!\n\nJERRY\nThis is Nikki.\n\nNIKKI\nHi!\n\nELAINE\nHello. This is Todd Gack.\n\nJERRY\nOh of course. Todd Gack. You did you\nbet was in Star Wars? Sammy\n\nDavis Jr.\n\nELAINE\nSo what movie are you guys seeing?\n\nNIKKI\n\"Means to an End \"\n\nELAINE\nOh. We were going to see that but it\nwas sold out. So were going to\n\nsee \" Blame it on the Rain \"\n\nJERRY\nWhy don't you see what you can do?\n\nNIKKI\nOkay.\n\nELAINE\nWhat's she going to do? There's no more\ntickets.\n\nJERRY\nWe'll see.\n\nTODD\nHey Jerry. Do you like cigars?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Why?\n\nTODD\nI am going to Montreal tomorrow and\nthey sell them dirt cheap.\n\nJERRY\nHey,that might be a nice idea for George's\nwedding.\n\nTODD\nSo do you want a box?\n\nJERRY\nSure. If there cheap Why not.\n\nTODD\nAll right I buy a box and give to Elaine.\n\nNIKKI\nOkay two tickets \"Means to an End\"\n\nJERRY\nTold you.\n\nELAINE\nHow did you do that?\n\nNIKKI\nI just talked to the manager.\n\nJERRY\nAll right. Enjoy \" Blame it on the Rain\n\"\n\nJerry and George at the coffee shop\n\nGEORGE\nThere putting in a lost and found because\nof me. There's a time\n\nlimit but still.\n\nJERRY\nThere really building a Utopian society\nup there huh.And you\n\ntribute all this to the calzone.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. I am like a drug dealer. I got\nthe guy hooked. I am having\n\nlunch at his desk everyday this week. He doesn't make a move\nwithout me.\n\nIt's very exciting.\n\nJERRY\nWith you two guys at the helm. The last\npiece of the puzzle is in\n\nplace.\n\nGEORGE\nSo let me ask you a question about the\ntip jar. I had a little\n\nthing with the calzone guy this week. I go to drop a buck in\nthe tip jar and\n\njust as I am about to drop it in he looks the other way. And\nthen when I am\n\nleaving he gives me this look think thanks for nothing. I mean\nif they don't\n\nnotice it what's the point.\n\nJERRY\nSo you don't make it a habit of giving\nto the blind.\n\nGEORGE\nNot bills.\n\nJERRY\nSo George. Remember when I told you\nNikki gets whatever she wants.\n\nWe are at the movies last night. It's sold out. Nikki goes and\ntalks to the\n\nmanager. Right in.\n\nGEORGE\nBeautiful women. You know they could\nget away with murder. You\n\nnever she any of them lift anything over three pounds. They get\nwhatever they\n\nwant whenever they want it. You can't stop them.\n\nJERRY\nShe's like a beautiful Godzilla.\n\nGEORGE\nWithout thousands of fleeing Japanese.\n\nJerry and Kramer at his apartment\n\nKRAMER\nHey buddy.\n\nJERRY\nWhat the hell is all this?\n\nKRAMER\nI am looking for quarters for the dryer.\n\nJERRY\nWhy can't you do this on your table?\n\nKRAMER\nBecause I don't have a table.\n\nElaine walks in\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey. So how was \"Blame it on the Rain?\"\n\nELAINE\nHuh. Yeah thanks for getting us tickets\ntoo.\n\nJERRY\nOh!! Let me ask you a question. Was\nthe movie part of the bet?\n\nKramer leaves\n\nELAINE\nNo. We were both in the mood for one.\n\nJERRY\nYou know Elaine, It is not my way to\nintrude on the personal lives of\n\nclose fiends..\n\nELAINE\nOh is that so.\n\nJERRY\nAbsolutely. But I feel I must inform\nyou that what happened last\n\nnight was more than a simple bet.\n\nELAINE\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nJERRY\nCome on. Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars.\nHe made a bet he knew he was\n\ngoing to lose just to take you to dinner\n\nELAINE\nIf he wanted to ask me out why didn't\nhe just ask me.\n\nJERRY\nBecause if he doesn't ask you out he\ndoesn't get rejected. He has\n\nfound a dating loop hole.\n\nELAINE\nI don't buy it.\n\nKramer walks in with more change\n\nJERRY\nSo what happened after the movie?\n\nELAINE\nNothing. He walked me home.\n\nJERRY\nTo the door?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nThat's a date.\n\nELAINE\nNo it's not.\n\nJERRY\nBut I never walk you home.\n\nELAINE\nThat's just because your a jackass.\n\nKRAMER\nAh!! I found a quarter. Anybody want\nthere clothes heated up?\n\nJERRY\nNo, no.\n\nELAINE\nNo, no.\n\nJERRY\nSo how did you leave it with him?\n\nELAINE\nI am supposed to meet him to pick up\nyour cigars.\n\nJERRY\nThat's another loop hole. That's two\ndates without asking you out.\n\nELAINE\nYour crazy!\n\nJERRY\nCrazy like a man.\n\nGeorge at Pisano's\n\nWORKER\nNumber 49.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know my last name is Costanza. That's\nItalian. So you and I are\n\nlike country men. Pisano's!\n\nWORKER\n$ 6.50 your change.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd I always take care of my Pisano's.\nSo here is a little\n\nsomething.\n\n( drop in tip and worker looks the other way, so George decides\nto take it\n\nout and try again only to get caught )\n\nWORKER\nHey! You steal my money!!\n\nGEORGE\nNo no. That's not what I was trying\nto do.\n\nWORKER\nI know what you try to do. Get out.\nDon't ever come back ever.\n\nGeorge and Mr. Steinbrenner at Yankee Stadium\n\nGEORGE\nI got your calzones Mr. Steinbrenner.\n\nMR. STEINBRENNER\nBeautiful. I am starving George.\n\nGEORGE\nI thought tomorrow maybe we'd try a\nlittle corn beef.\n\nMR. STEINBRENNER\nCorn beef. I don't think so. It is a\nlittle fatty.\n\nGEORGE\nHow about Chinese?\n\nMR. STEINBRENNER\nUhhhhh. No. Too many containers. Big\nmess, big mess.\n\nToo sloppy.I want to stick with the calzones from Pisano's. That's\nthe\n\nticket.\n\nGEORGE\nI just thought it would be nice. A little\nvariety.\n\nMR. STEINBRENNER\nNo, no, no. George let me tell you something.\nWhen I\n\nfind something I like I stick with it. From 1973 to 1982 I ate\nthe exact same\n\nlunch everyday. Turkey chili in a bowl made out of bread. Bread\nbowl George\n\n. First you eat the chili then you eat the bowl. There's nothing\nmore\n\nsatisfying than looking down after lunch and seeing nothing but\na table.\n\nTodd walking Elaine to her apartment\n\nELAINE\nThanks for the dinner.\n\nTODD\nWell I had to give these cigars and\nwe were both hungry.\n\nELAINE\nHey Todd. Let me ask you a question.\nUm. Was this whole date thing\n\njust a way of asking me out?\n\nTODD\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nI mean Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars?\n\nTODD\nElaine that was a legitimate bet and\nI lost so I bought you dinner.\n\nELAINE\nOh all right. Okay well, goodnight.\n\nTODD\nHey, if your not doing anything Saturday\ndo you want to meet somewhere\n\n?\n\nELAINE\nSee what is that? Is that a date?\n\nTODD\nWhy can't two people go and do something\nwithout it being a date?\n\nELAINE\nAll right. I am sorry it's not a date.\n\nTODD\nNo way. So I'll see you Saturday night?\n\nELAINE\nAll right.\n\nTODD\nPick you up at 8:00 p.m.\n\nJerry and Nikki getting pulled over by a cop\n\nPOLICE OFFICER\nDo you know what the posted speed limit\non this road is?\n\nJERRY\nI was got to be 55.\n\nPOLICE OFFICER\nThat's right it is. Do you know how\nfast you were going?\n\nJERRY\nA lot faster than that!\n\nPOLICE OFFICER\nStep out of the car sir.\n\nJERRY\nOkay dokey\n\nPOLICE OFFICER\nCan I have your license and registration\nplease?\n\nJERRY\nAbsolutely. Nikki!\n\nNIKKI\nYes.\n\nJERRY\nWould you mind bringing the officer\nthe registration?\n\nNIKKI\nNot at all.\n\nPOLICE OFFICER\nI got you on the radar at 93 miles per\nhour.\n\nJERRY\nYou must have gotten me when I slowed\ndown to take that curve because\n\nfor a while there I was doing well over 100.\n\nNIKKI\nOfficer. Hi. Do you really have to give\nus a ticket?\n\nJERRY\nAll right Nik. That's it.\n\nKramer and Jerry at his apartment\n\nKRAMER\nHey buddy. I am waiting for my shirt.\n\nJERRY\nYou got your shirt in my oven!?!\n\nKRAMER\nI didn't have any quarters for the dryer.\nAnyway this is better.\n\nAnd it's more convenient.\n\nJERRY\nFor both of us.\n\nKRAMER\nAnd I have a lot more control. I have\none shirt going for 10 minutes\n\nat 325 degrees.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's wrong with your oven?\n\nKRAMER\nI am baking a pie!\n\nBuzz, buzz\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nCome on up.\n\nKRAMER\nYou got cigars, huh.\n\nJERRY\nI got some Cubans for George's wedding.\nThey were more than I wanted\n\nto pay for but what the hell!\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah baby. spit, spit. What are these?\n\" Perducto de Peru \"\n\nJerry, if you think these are Cubans you have another thing coming.\n\nJERRY\nPeru! I paid $300 bucks for these. I\ncould have bought a house in\n\nPeru for $300 bucks!\n\nKRAMER\nYou got ripped buddy.\n\nJERRY\nI got to pay this Todd Gack guy $300\nbucks just so he has some excuse\n\nto see Elaine again without asking her out.\n\nKRAMER\nThat's a nice name. Todd Gack. Is that\nDutch? ( Dingggggg )\n\nOh baby. Here we go. Uh momma.(putting his fresh out of the oven\nshirt\n\non ) Hey George hey.\n\nKramer leaves\n\nGEORGE\nWell this is bad. I am really in a bad\nsituation now.\n\nJERRY\nso what is Steinbrenner going to do\nif he doesn't get his calzones?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's he going to do? That's exactly\nthe point. Nobody knows what\n\nthis guy is capable of! He fires people like it is a bodily function.\n\nJERRY\nWhy don't you get someone else from\nthe office to go get Pisano's for\n\nyou?\n\nGEORGE\nBecause before you know it he'll be\nhaving lunch with him. You know\n\nhow these interoffice politics work.\n\nJERRY\nNo. I never had a job.\n\nKramer walks in with no pants on\n\nKRAMER\nI decided to go with the brown one 's.\n(pants)\n\nGEORGE\nWhat the hell is this?\n\nJERRY\nKramer's cooking up some corduroy.\n\nGEORGE\nThere has got to be some way to get\nback into Pisano's.\n\nKRAMER\nPisano's. That's the place by the stadium\nright?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. You've heard of it?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Newman raves about it. It's on\nhis mail route. He goes by\n\nthere everyday.\n\nGEORGE\nI'll see you guys later.\n\nJERRY\nWhat kind of pie are you cooking?\n\nKRAMER\nHuckleberry.\n\nGeorge at Newman's apartment\n\nNEWMAN\nYou certainly are in a bind.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. And since you go buy there everyday.\nI was hoping that we\n\ncould help each other out.\n\nNEWMAN\nOh well. Let me perfectly blunt. I don't\ncare for you Costanza.\n\nYou hang out at the west side of the building with Seinfeld all\nday and just\n\nit up wasting your lives.\n\nGEORGE\nAre you going to help me or not?\n\nNEWMAN\nAll right, all right. I'll help you\nbut I will except something in\n\nreturn.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nNEWMAN\nWell for starters I want a calzone of\nmy own...\n\nGEORGE\nAll right.\n\nNEWMAN\nAnd a slice of pepperoni pizza and a\nlarge soda and three times a\n\nweek I will require a canolie.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's a little steep don't you think?\n\nNEWMAN\nYou know I hear Mr. Steinbrenner can\nbe a bit erratic. I would hate\n\nto see him when he's hungry.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, all right.\n\nNEWMAN\nDo we have a deal?\n\nGEORGE\nBut I have to have them by one o'clock.\nHe's very regiment about his\n\nmeals.\n\nNEWMAN\nI know exactly how he feels. Pleasure\ndoing business with you. Do\n\ncome again. Ha, ha, ha, ha.\n\nTodd and Elaine at a restaurant\n\nELAINE\nThis is nice.\n\nTODD\nGack. Party of four.\n\nELAINE\nParty of four? Who are we meeting?\n\nTODD\nMom! Dad! This is Elaine.\n\nMOM\nHello.\n\nELAINE\nHellllllooooo.\n\nEnd of dinner\n\nMOM\nNice meeting you.\n\nTODD\nBye mom.\n\nMOM\nShe's wonderful.\n\nELAINE\nWhat the hell was that?\n\nTODD\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nWhy did you introduce me to your parents?\n\nTODD\nThere nice people. I thought you would\nlike them.\n\nELAINE\nCome on Todd. Admit it, this is a date.\n\nTODD\nWhy is this a date?\n\nELAINE\nSaturday night with your parents. Unless\nI'm your sister this is a\n\ndate.\n\nTODD\nElaine. I don't understand why you can't\nmeet someone else's parents\n\nwithout classifying it as a date.\n\nELAINE\nWell if it's not a date then what is\nit?\n\nTODD\nIt's a lovely evening together.\n\nELAINE\nI don't believe this.\n\nTODD\nWell I am getting a cab want to join\nme?\n\nELAINE\nNo. I'll just walk home.\n\nTODD\nOkay goodnight. ( goes to kiss her )\n\nELAINE\nNow what was that?\n\nGeorge at Newman's apartment\n\nKnock, knock\n\nNEWMAN\nHello. What 's this?\n\nGEORGE\nWell I was dropping of the calzone money\nfor the week.. Um\n\nshouldn't you be at work by now?\n\nNEWMAN\nWork? It's raining.\n\nGEORGE\nSoooooo\n\nNEWMAN\nI called in sick. I don't work in the\nrain.\n\nGEORGE\nYou don't work in the rain? Your a mailman.\n\" Neither rain nor sleet\n\nnor snow...\" It's the first one.\n\nNEWMAN\nI was never that big on creeds.\n\nGEORGE\nYou were supposed to deliver my calzones.\nWe had a deal!\n\nNEWMAN\nI believe the deal was that I get the\ncalzones on my mail route.\n\nWell today I won't be going on my mail route! Will I. Perhaps\ntomorrow.\n\nGEORGE\nBut I'm paying you!\n\nNEWMAN\nYes thank you. ( slams door )\n\nGEORGE\nNewman!!\n\nNikki and Jerry at his apartment\n\nNIKKI\nPeru? I thought you wanted cigars from\nCuba?\n\nJERRY\nI did.\n\nNIKKI\nWell if these aren't what you wanted\nthen why did you pay him?\n\nJERRY\nWell what could I do? Unless you pay\nhim a visit.\n\nNIKKI\nOkay.\n\nGeorge at Kramer's apartment\n\nKnock, knock\n\nGEORGE\nKramer!\n\nKRAMER\nHey you!\n\nGEORGE\nLook I need you to do me a favor. I\nneed you to get me lunch at\n\nPisano's.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat happened to Newman?\n\nGEORGE\nHe called in sick.\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah right it's raining.\n\nGEORGE\nCan you do it?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat time do you need it at?\n\nGEORGE\n1:00 p.m. Do you need any money?\n\nKRAMER\nNo. I got eight tons of change. I'm\nloaded.\n\nKramer on street\n\nKRAMER\nHey hold that bus!\n\nKramer at Pisano's\n\nKRAMER\nHey. It's really wet out there.\n\nWORKER\nWhat can I get you?\n\nKRAMER\nI here you make a pretty mean calzone.\n\nWORKER\nCalzone!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah calzone.\n\nWORKER\nThe best!\n\nKRAMER\nAll right. Lay them on me. I'll take\nthree.\n\nWORKER\nThree calzones.\n\nKRAMER\nHey. That's a big oven. Huh. Listen.\nI was wondering if you could\n\ndo me a favor.\n\nElaine goes to the coffee shop\n\nELAINE\nHey Todd.\n\nTODD\nHi. You know Nikki.\n\nElaine Yeah sure.\n\nNIKKI\nWait. Elaine will settle this. What's\nthe \"M\" stand for in Richard\n\nM. Nixon?\n\nELAINE\nMilhouse.\n\nNIKKI\nI told you so. He said it was Moe. You\nowe me a dinner.\n\nKramer at Pisano's\n\nWORKER\nYour order is ready. Three calzones\nand one shirt and jacket.\n\nKRAMER\nOh. This is all burned up. Look at this.\n\nWORKER\nWhat the hell do I know about cooking\na shirt? What the hell is\n\nthis? Your paying in pennies?\n\nKRAMER\nThat's all I got.\n\nWORKER\nNo. You have to have bills. Paper money.\nYou can't pay with this.\n\nKRAMER\nI told you this is all I got.\n\nWORKER\nThen no calzones.\n\nWorker and Kramer yelling at each other back and forth in Italian\n\nGeorge's office at Yankee Stadium\n\nGEORGE\nWhat happened? Where have you been?\n\nKRAMER\nThe guy wouldn't give them to me because\nI wanted to pay in change.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat the hell happened to your shirt?\n\nKRAMER\nHe overcooked it. It's ruined.\n\nGEORGE\nYour clothes smell just like Pisano's.\nThere's another Italian place\n\non Jerome. Maybe I can fool him.\n\nMr. Steinbrenner at his office\n\nsay it again. I hadn't had a pimple since I was eighteen and\nI don't care\n\nthat you don't believe me or not. And how's this. Your fired.\nOkay your not\n\nHe's late. That smell. I have to call you back. Costanza. He's\nin the\n\nbuilding. Costanza is in the building and he's not in this office.\nCostanza\n\n! I'll get you.\n\nJerry and Elaine at apartment\n\nJERRY\nStupid cigars. You know if I didn't\nsend Nikki over to talk to him\n\nthey wouldn't be together.\n\nELAINE\nThese are terrible.\n\nJERRY\nIt's like trying to smoke a chicken\nbone.\n\nELAINE\nWhat kind of a name is Todd Gack anyway.\n\nJERRY\nI think it's Dutch. I got to get going.\n\nELAINE\nWhere are you going?\n\nJERRY\nI.. uh..promised Nikki that I'd walk\nher dog for her.\n\nELAINE\nBut she broke up with you.\n\nJERRY\nI know, I know. But some how she explained\nit to me and I couldn't\n\nsay no.\n\nELAINE\nIt smells like a rubber fire.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's that?\n\nELAINE\nI said rubber fire.\n\nJERRY\nOh.\n\nELAINE\nDid you ever pay Todd for these things?\n\nJERRY\nActually it's being taken care of right\nnow.\n\nKramer at Todd's apartment\n\nKnock, knock\n\nKRAMER\nYou Gack?\n\nTODD\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\nHere's your money.\n\nKramer throws a bag full of change at him\n\nMr. Steinbrenner in George's office\n\nMR. STEINBRENNER\nGeorge. Why do these clothes smell like\nPisano's?\n\nGEORGE\nBecause they were heated up there.\n\nMR. STEINBRENNER\nHeating up your clothes? That's not\na bad idea.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Bottle-Deposit-Part-1.html",
    "text": "THE BOTTLE DEPOSIT PART 1\n\nWritten by\n\nGregg Kavet & Andy Robin\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nI love it when you get your car back\nfrom the car place, and it's got that\npaper mat on the floor. Like they're\nso obsessed with cleanliness, they don't\neven want their shoes to touch the carpet.\nMeanwhile, the mechanic comes out; he\nlooks like Al Jolson. He's covered in\ngoo, from head to toe. You can't even\nsee him. Although, I prefer that to\nwhen they have the lab coat, The clipboard\nand the nice glasses. Now you know you're\ngetting screwed. (as concerned car owner)\n'Can I see it?' (as doctor-like mechanic)\n'You better not. It's idling quietly\nright now. I think it should stay overnight.\nWe wanna keep an eye on it, and we wanna\nkeep the bill running up.'\n\n(Yankee Stadium)\n\nMr Wilhelm is hurrying along a corridor, with George trailing\nin his\n\nwake. As Wilhelm speaks, George is making notes onto a pad and\nlooking\n\nflustered.\n\nWILHELM\nAnd you can tell the players that I\nreimburse the trainer for\n\nThe cigarettes and the dive checks.\n\nGEORGE\nSorry, the players will be reimbursed?\n\nWILHELM\nThe trainer, George. Tell the players\nI'll reimburse the trainer. What's the\nmatter with you? This is the third time\nI've had to repeat myself.\n\nGEORGE\nSorry, Mr Wilhelm.\n\nWILHELM\nLook, sorry doesn't cut it. We're running\na ball club here\n\nGeorge. You've got to pay attention.\n\nGEORGE\nI know, sir. It won't happen again.\n\nWILHELM\nLemme see, I uh, I had an assignment\nfor you... uh.\n\nWilhelm wanders across the corridor, thinking to himself, he\nopens the door to the men's room and strolls through.\n\nWILHELM\nLemme think here.\n\nGeorge starts to follow Wilhelm into the men's room, but thinks\nbetter of it. He wonders briefly what to do, then leans against\nthe wall by the door, to await Wilhelm's return.\n\n(Elaine's Office)\n\nElaine sits behind her desk working at her computer. Mr Peterman\n\nenters. He's carrying an auction house catalogue.\n\nPETERMAN\nElaine.\n\nELAINE\nHi, Mr Peterman.\n\nPETERMAN\nYou know what a huge fan I am of John\nF Kennedy.\n\nELAINE\nI do.\n\nPETERMAN\nIt was the Peace Corps that gave me\nmy start in this\n\nbusiness. (nostalgic) Clothing the naked natives of Bantu Besh.\n\nELAINE\nThe pygmy pullover.\n\nPETERMAN\nSotheby's is having an auction of JFK's\nmemorabilia. One item\n\nin particular has caught my eye. The presidential golf clubs.\nTo me, they\n\ncapture that indefinable romance that was Camelot.\n\nELAINE\nWhatever.\n\nPETERMAN\nBut, unfortunately I will be out of\ntown with my lady-friend\n\nAnd therefore unable to bid on the lot. I was hoping maybe you\nwould go in\n\nmy stead.\n\nELAINE\nOh. (pleasant surprise) Oh yeah, I'd\nbe happy to. Uhm, how much\n\nd'you want this thing? (smilingly) I mean, you know, how high\nare you willing\n\nto go?\n\nPETERMAN\nI would see no trouble in spending up\nto, say, ten thousand\n\ndollars. Have my secretary give you a signed cheque.\n\nHe drops the catalogue on the surprised Elaine's desk and exits.\n\nELAINE\nWow.\n\n(Yankee Stadium)\n\nGeorge still waits outside the men's room. He's been waiting\na while.\n\nHe looks at his watch and decides to go in. As he enters, he\nfinds Wilhelm\n\nemerging from a stall, and still talking.\n\nWILHELM\n...when you're done George, and bring\nit directly to me. Mr\n\nSteinbrenner is very interested in this.\n\nWilhelm washes his hands, while George looks panicky and opts\nto bluff\n\nit out.\n\nGEORGE\nYes, sir.\n\nWILHELM\n(drying his hands and heading for the\ndoor) Yes, George. I\n\nwant you to make this project a top priority.\n\nGEORGE\nI will, sir. Top priority.\n\nWILHELM\n(exiting) Top priority.\n\nGEORGE\nTop priority.\n\nGeorge throws up his arms in despair.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry and George stand. George is explaining what happened.\n\nGEORGE\nSo he walks out of the stall, he's been\ntalking the whole time.\n\nJERRY\nHe pulled an LBJ on you.\n\nGEORGE\nLBJ?\n\nJERRY\nLyndon Johnson, used to do that to his\nstaffers.\n\nGEORGE\nNo kidding?\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah. He'd hold national security\nmeetings in there. He\n\nplanned the Hanoi bombing after a bad Thai meal.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I still don't know what I'm supposed\nto do. I don't even\n\nknow what my assignment is.\n\nJERRY\nAsk him to repeat it. Tell him there\nwas an echo in there.\n\nGEORGE\nI can't. He's been on my case about\nnot paying attention.\n\nBesides, it's too late, I already told him I heard him.\n\nJERRY\nYou know what you do? Ask him a follow-up\nquestion. Tell him\n\nyou're having trouble getting started, and you want his advice.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, follow-up question, that'll work.\n\nThe door opens and Kramer enters, followed by Newman. Kramer\nis\n\ncarrying a large can of some foodstuff, from which he is eating\nthe odd morsel. Newman\n\nhas a pack of soda (mellow yellow?), and is swigging from one\nof the bottles.\n\nKRAMER\nHey buddy.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nGEORGE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nCan I have my keys...\n\nKRAMER\n(tossing car keys to Jerry) Yeah.\n\nJERRY\n(catching keys) ...back, please?\n\nKRAMER\nYou shoulda come, Jerry.\n\nNEWMAN\nWe made quite a haul.\n\nGEORGE\nWhere'd you go?\n\nKRAMER\nPrice club.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy didn't you take your car?\n\nKRAMER\nAh, the steering wheel fell off. I don't\nknow where it is.\n\nNewman finishes his soda and drops the bottle in Jerry's bin.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat're you doing. (fetching the bottle\nfrom the trash) Don't\n\nthrow that away.\n\nNEWMAN\nWell, I'm not paying the five cents\nfor that stupid recycling\n\nthing.\n\nKRAMER\nYou don't pay five cents, you get five\ncents back. Here, read\n\nthe label here. (reads from bottle) Vermont, Connecticut, Massachusetts,\nNew\n\nYork. Refund, (brings bottle up close to Newman's eyes) vrrup,\nfive cents.\n\nNEWMAN\n(taking bottle) Refund?\n\nKRAMER\nYes.\n\nJERRY\nWell, what d'you think the hoboes are\ndoing?\n\nNEWMAN\nI don't know, they're deranged.\n\nKramer and Newman sit on Jerry's couch. Kramer has TV Guide,\nNewman\n\nStill reading the bottle.\n\nGEORGE\nAwright, listen, can you uh, gimme a\nlift back to my place?\n\nJERRY\nNo I can't. I gotta pick up Elaine.\nI'm taking her to this\n\nKennedy auction.\n\nGEORGE\nAwright, I'll see you later.\n\nGeorge leaves. Jerry exits to the bedroom.\n\nNEWMAN\n(peering at bottle label) What is this\n'MI, ten cents'?\n\nKRAMER\nThat's Michigan. In Michigan you get\nten cents.\n\nNEWMAN\nTen cents!?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nNEWMAN\nWait a minute. You mean you get five\ncents here, and ten cents\n\nthere. You could round up bottles here and run 'em out to Michigan\nfor the\n\ndifference.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, it doesn't work.\n\nNEWMAN\nWhat d'you mean it doesn't work? You\nget enough bottles\n\ntogether...\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, you overload your inventory and\nyou blow your margins on\n\ngasoline. Trust me, it doesn't work.\n\nJERRY\n(re-entering) Hey, you're not talking\nthat Michigan deposit\n\nbottle scam again, are you?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, I'm off that.\n\nNEWMAN\nYou tried it?\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah. Every which way. Couldn't crunch\nthe numbers. It drove\n\nme crazy.\n\nJERRY\n(leaving) You two keep an eye on each\nother?\n\nNEWMAN/KRAMER\n(simultaneous) No problem. You bet.\n\nJerry exits, shaking his head.\n\n(Sotheby's)\n\nAn auction room, with several rows of seating facing a platform\nwith a\n\nlectern for the auctioneer. Many people sit or stand around,\nwith catalogues\n\nAnd numbered paddles for making bids. Jerry and Elaine enter.\n\nJERRY\nAre you sure you didn't hear my car\nmaking a funny noise? I know\n\nThose two idiots did something to it.\n\nELAINE\nNo, I didn't hear anything. (she spots\na familiar face) Oh, my\n\nGod, look who's here.\n\nJERRY\nSue Ellen Mishke, the braless 'O Henry'\ncandy bar heiress.\n\nSue Ellen notices them, and comes over.\n\nSUE ELLEN\nWell. Hello Elaine. Jerry.\n\nELAINE\nHi Sue Ellen.\n\nJERRY\nHi Sue Ellen.\n\nSUE ELLEN\nI'm surprised to see you here. Come\nto catch a glimpse of\n\nhigh society?\n\nELAINE\n(faked laughter) Oh, ho ha ha. No, no,\nI'm actually here to\n\nbid, Sue Ellen. I mean that is if anything is to my liking.\n\nJERRY\nI'm here to catch a glimpse... of high\nsociety.\n\nSUE ELLEN\nWell, I hope you find something that\nfits your budget.\n\nSue Ellen walks away to her seat. Elaine and Jerry make their\nway to\n\ntheir seats,\n\nELAINE\n(half under her breath and half to Jerry)\nI... hate that woman.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nKramer and Newman are still on Jerry's couch. Kramer is watching\nTV,\n\nWhile Newman has been working something out on a pad.\n\nNEWMAN\nI don't understand. You fill an eighteen-wheeler?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, an eighteen-wheeler's no good. Too\nmuch overhead. You got\n\npermits, weigh-stations, tolls... Look, you're way outta your\nleague.\n\nNEWMAN\nI wanna learn. I want to know why.\n\n(Sotheby's)\n\nA bag of golf clubs is brought onto the platform.\n\nELAINE\n(loudly, for the benefit of Sue-Ellen)\nOh. Those are handsome.\n\nLook at that set. Yeah, think I might bid on those.\n\nAUCTIONEER\nLot number seven forty-five. We have\na full set of golf\n\nclubs, that were owned by President John F Kennedy, as seen in\nthe famous\n\nphotograph of the president chipping at Burning Tree on the morning\nof the Bay of Pigs\n\ninvasion. The set in perfect condition, and we will start the\nbidding at four\n\nthousand dollars. Four thousand dollars? Do I have four thousand\ndollars?\n\nA man behind Elaine raises his paddle to bid.\n\nAUCTIONEER\nI have four thousand dollars. Do I have\nfive? (another\n\nperson bids) Five thousand dollars. I have five thousand dollars.\nDo I have six? Six\n\nthousand dollars for this set of beautiful clubs. (another bid)\nSix. I have six\n\nthousand dollars. Can I have sixty-five hundred?\n\nElaine raises her paddle to bid.\n\nAUCTIONEER\nSixty-five hundred to the dark-haired\nperson on the right.\n\nWe are at sixty-five hundred, do I hear sixty-six hundred?\n\nSue-Ellen looks thoughtful.\n\nAUCTIONEER\nThe president's own golf clubs. Leisure\nlife at Camelot.\n\nSixty-five hundred going once...\n\nJerry and Elaine think they've got them.\n\nSUE ELLEN\nEight thousand.\n\nAUCTIONEER\nEight thousand. We have eight thousand.\nThe bid is now\n\neight thousand dollars.\n\nELAINE\n(to Jerry) What is she doing? She's\nstarting in on the bidding\n\nnow? (to Auctioneer) Eighty-five hundred!\n\nAUCTIONEER\nWe have eighty-five...\n\nSUE ELLEN\nNine thousand.\n\nAUCTIONEER\nNine thousand dollars.\n\nJERRY\nThink she wants those clubs.\n\nAUCTIONEER\nDo I hear ninety-five? Ninety-five hundred...\n\nELAINE\nNinety-five hundred.\n\nSUE ELLEN\nTen thousand.\n\nAUCTIONEER\nTen thousand, to the shapely woman on\nthe left. Ten\n\nthousand going once...\n\nJERRY\nWell, that's your ceiling.\n\nAUCTIONEER\nTen thousand going twice...\n\nSue Ellen looks over at Elaine, with a smirk.\n\nELAINE\n(determined) Eleven thousand!\n\nSUE ELLEN\nTwelve thousand.\n\nELAINE\n(angrier) Thirteen thousand!\n\nSUE ELLEN\nFourteen thousand.\n\nELAINE\n(vicious) Fifteen thousand!!\n\nJerry buries his face in his hands.\n\n(Jerry's Car)\n\nJerry is driving Elaine home. In the back seat, the golf clubs\ncan be\n\nseen. There is a persistent clunking sound coming from the car.\n\nELAINE\nPeterman is gonna kill me.\n\nJERRY\nI really thought you had her there at\nseventeen thousand.\n\nELAINE\nWhy didn't you stop me?\n\nJERRY\nDo you hear this clunking?\n\nELAINE\n(listening) A little.\n\n(Jerry's Car, later)\n\nThe Saab halts outside Elaine's apartment building.\n\nELAINE\nOh. You know what? (indicates clubs)\nI'm gonna grab these from\n\nYou later. You'll take care of 'em, okay? Okay. See you tomorrow.\n\nJERRY\nOkay.\n\nELAINE\nAlrighty, bye.\n\nJERRY\nBye.\n\nElaine leaves the car and walks away. Jerry restarts the car,\nwhen he\n\nNotices steam and smoke emerging from under the hood.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's going on here?\n\nJerry gets out of the car and runs to raise the hood.\n\nJERRY\nOh God!\n\nJerry opens the hood of his car. As the smoke and steam clears,\nit\n\nbecomes clear there are a variety of comestibles arranged on\nand around the engine\n\ncompartment.\n\nJERRY\n(angry) Oh, you idiots!\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nKramer and Newman still occupy the couch.\n\nNEWMAN\nSo we could put the bottles in a U-haul.\nYou know, go lean and\n\nmean?\n\nKRAMER\nNewman, it's a dead-end, c'mon. (Jerry\nenters) Hey, there he\n\nis.\n\nJERRY\nHey. You put your groceries under the\nhood of my car?\n\nKRAMER\n(to Newman) Aw, that's right, we forgot\nabout those.\n\nNEWMAN\n(to Kramer) That's where my missing\nsoda is.\n\nJERRY\nAnd your crab legs, and a thing of cheese.\nThe Triple-A guy said\n\nI was this close to sucking a muffin down the carburetor. What\nwere you\n\nthinking?\n\nKRAMER\nWe ran outta space.\n\nJERRY\nNow I gotta take the car down to Tony\nand get it checked out.\n\nKRAMER\nAh, Tony, he's good.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, he's real good. But he's so obsessive\nabout the car. He\n\nmakes me feel guilty about every little thing that's wrong with\nit. I gotta get\n\nit washed before I bring it down to him, or I'm afraid he'll\nyell at me.\n\nKRAMER\n(offering the artichoke can) 'Choke?'\n\nJERRY\nNo, thank you.\n\n(Auto Shop)\n\nJerry and Tony stand beside the Saab. Jerry looks worried and\nTony is\n\nLooking like he's in love with the car. He runs his hands over\nthe roof and\n\nalong the lines of the bodywork. Tony is a little intense.\n\nTONY\n(lovingly) Oh, yeah. I remember this\ncar. Beautiful car.\n\nJERRY\nYeah. So, anyway, the engine's been\nidling a little rough. I\n\nthought it might be time for a check up...\n\nTony isn't hearing Jerry. He climbs into the driver's seat and\nbegins\n\nFerreting about.\n\nJERRY\nThere's really nothing wrong on the\ninside.\n\nTONY\nWell, the shift knob is loose. You know\nabout that?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I hadn't noticed.\n\nTONY\n(accusingly) Have you been picking at\nit?\n\nJERRY\nHave I been picking at it? No. You know.\nIt's just wear and\n\ntear.\n\nTONY\n(disapprovingly) Wear and tear. I see.\n\nJERRY\nThe engine is really the only thing\nthat needs checking.\n\nTONY\nYou been rotating the tires?\n\nJERRY\nTry to.\n\nTONY\n(sharp) You don't try to. You do it!\nFifty-one percent of all\n\nturns are right turns. You know that? 'Try to.'\n\n(Elaine's Office)\n\nPETERMAN\nTwenty thousand dollars!?! Elaine, that's\ntwice the amount I\n\nauthorised you to spend.\n\nELAINE\nI know, Mr Peterman, but but but but\nonce I saw them, I just\n\ncouldn't stand to let anyone else have them. (warming to her\nsubject) You know,\n\ncertainly not some stuck-up candy bar heiress who shamelessly\nflaunts herself in\n\npublic without any regard...\n\nPETERMAN\nWell, where are they?\n\nELAINE\n(ingratiatingly) They should be here\ntoday.\n\n(George's Office)\n\nGeorge stands, silently rehearsing his follow-up question. Wilhelm\n\nwalks by the window, down the corridor. George takes the plunge.\n\nGEORGE\nUh, Mr Wilhelm.\n\nWILHELM\n(entering the office) Yes George.\n\nGEORGE\nHi, I was just uh... I just had one\nlittle question about uh,\n\nMy assignment.\n\nWILHELM\nYes, well I trust things are moving\nsmoothly. Mr\n\nSteinbrenner's counting on you, you know.\n\nGEORGE\nYes, yes. Very smooth, super smooth.\nNo, but I really wanna\n\nattack this thing, you know. Sink my teeth into it. So I was\njust wondering... what\n\ndo you think would be the very best way to get started?\n\nWILHELM\n(confusion) Get started? I don't understand,\nGeorge.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I was wondering...\n\nWILHELM\nYou mean you haven't been to payroll?\n\nGEORGE\nPayroll? No, no, I haven't done that.\n\nWILHELM\nWell, what's the problem? Now come on\nGeorge. I told the big\n\nman you were moving on this. Now, don't let him down!\n\nWilhelm leaves.\n\nGEORGE\nPayroll!!\n\nGeorge grabs his jacket, races to the door, checks Wilhelm has\ngone,\n\nand darts off down the corridor.\n\nPayroll Office)\n\nA meek looking clerk sits behind a counter. George enters.\n\nGEORGE\nHello there. I'm George Costanza.\n\nCLERK\nYes?\n\nGEORGE\nAssistant to the travelling secretary.\n(fishing for a reaction)\n\nI'm uh, working on the project.\n\nCLERK\nWhat project?\n\nGEORGE\nPayroll project. Wilhelm? Big uh, big\npayroll project.\n\nCLERK\nYou're gonna have to fill me in.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know what, I'll just uh, I'll just\nlook around for a little\n\nwhile. (moving to come round the counter) I'll just browse around.\n\nCLERK\n(blocking George) Hey, wait, hey. Excuse\nme, uh, you can't come\n\nBack here.\n\nGEORGE\nLook, I am under direct orders from\nMr Wilhelm. So if you have\n\na problem with that, maybe you should just take it up with him.\n\nCLERK\nWell, maybe I will.\n\nGEORGE\n(spotting possible salvation) You know\nwhat, I urge you to take\n\nit up with him. Go ahead, give him a call, he'll tell you what\nI'm doing\n\nhere. (half to himself) Then you can tell me.\n\nCLERK\n(on phone) Mr Wilhelm, uh, this is Lafarge\nin payroll. Uh,\n\nthere's a Costanza here, says he's working on some project?\n\nGeorge is leaning across the counter, trying to hear Wilhelm's\nside of\n\nthe converstion.\n\nCLERK\n(on phone) Oh. (he swaps the phone to\nhis other ear) Oh, I see.\n\n(listens) Interesting. (listens) Well, that's quite a project.\nAlright, thank\n\nyou.\n\nThe clerk puts down the phone. George looks expectant.\n\nCLERK\n(apologetically) Ah, I'm sorry uh, that\nI doubted you. Whatever\n\nyou need, just uh, make yourself at home.\n\nGEORGE\nSo he explained it all to you?\n\nCLERK\nYes, he explained it all very clearly.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat'd he tell you?\n\nCLERK\n(upset) Look! You were right, I was\nwrong! You don't have to\n\nhumiliate me about it, alright!\n\n(Newman's Apartment}\n\nNewman sits on his couch. He's using an old mechanical adding\nmachine\n\nand a pad to work on permutations for the 'Michigan deposit bottle\nscam'. There\n\nare spools of used paper from the adding machine all over the\ntable and maps of\n\nthe northeastern states of the US pinned up on the wall. He taps\nout a\n\nseries of number, pulls the handle and reads the result, then\nlooks at what he's\n\nwritten on his pad.\n\nNEWMAN\nDamn!\n\nFrustrated, he sits back. He notices a framed photograph of his\nmother.\n\nA thought occurs.\n\nNEWMAN\nOh, Mother's Day. (inspiration strikes)\nWait a second.\n\nMother's Day?!\n\nHe starts typing figures into the adding machine rapidly. He\nmouths\n\nnumbers to himself, shrugging as he makes estimates. When he\nfinishes he tears the\n\npaper strip from the machine, compares it to figures on his pad.\n\nNEWMAN\n(triumphant) Yessss!\n\nIn celebration he swigs from a bottle of soda.\n\nNEWMAN\nAhaha!\n\n(Hallway)\n\nNewman hurries up to Kramer's door and hammers on it with his\nfist. He\n\nwaits a few seconds, then impatiently hammers agin.\n\nNEWMAN\nCome on Kramer!\n\nThe door opens to reveal Kramer midway through a shave, holding\na\n\nrazor, with\n\nfoam on his face.\n\nKRAMER\nWha...?\n\nNEWMAN\nIt's the truck, Kramer. The truck!\n\nKRAMER\nLook, Newman, I told you to let this\nthing go.\n\nNEWMAN\nNo, no, no, no no. Listen to me. Most\ndays, the post office\n\nsends one truckload of mail to the second domestic regional sorting\nfacility in\n\nSagenaw, Michigan.\n\nKRAMER\n(interested) Uh-huh.\n\nNEWMAN\nBut, on the week before holidays, we\nsee a surge. On\n\nalentine's Day, we send two trucks. On Christmas, four, packed\nto the brim. And tomorrow,\n\nif history is any guide, will see some spillover into a fifth\ntruck.\n\nKRAMER\n(realisation) Mother's Day.\n\nNEWMAN\nThe mother of all mail days. And guess\nwho signed up for the\n\ntruck.\n\nKRAMER\nA free truck? Oh boy, that completely\nchanges our cost\n\nstructure. Our G and A goes down fifty percent.\n\nNEWMAN\n(excited) We carry a coupla bags of\nmail, and the rest is ours!\n\nKRAMER\nNewman, you magnificent bastard, you\ndid it!\n\nNEWMAN\n(triumph) Let the collecting begin!\n\nThey embrace joyfully.\n\n(Montage of scenes)\n\nA woman puts a soda can on top of a mail box while she reaches\ninto her\n\nbag for something to post. A hand reaches from behind the box,\npicks up the can\n\nand disappears back behind the box. The woman is flummoxed by\nthe can's\n\ndisappearance.\n\nNewman stands nonchalantly beside a dumpster with a plastic sack\n\ncontaining some bottles and cans. In the dumpster, Kramer roots\nabout beneath the\n\nplastic and cardboard, before coming up and handing a bottle\nto Newman, who drops\n\nit into his sack.\n\nIn Monk's, a waitress puts a tray of empty bottle onto a shelf\nbehind\n\nKramer, who's eating a meal. As she leaves, he reaches behind\nhim, takes the\n\ntray and tips the bottles into another plastic sack.\n\nNewman stands in a doorway on the street. A homeless guy pushes\na\n\nshopping cart full of bottles and cans past. Newman drops a few\ncoins onto the\n\nsidewalk, attracting the attention of the homeless guy, who leaves\nhis cart to\n\nretrieve the change. Newman darts from the doorway, grabs hold\nof the cart and\n\nraces away down the street, leaving the homeless guy shaking\na fist and yelling\n\nafter him.\n\nNewman finishes a bottle of soda and hands the empty to Kramer,\nwho\n\nHands another bottle to Newman. There's a long line of empty\nbottles already\n\non the table and Newman's looking close to capacity. As Newman\nreluctantly\n\nbegins to drink this latest one, Kramer opens another and taps\nhim on the\n\nstomach, causing Newman to splutter and spray soda across the\ntable.\n\nA cigar-smoking Kramer and a gleeful Newman, regard the back\nof a mail\n\ntruck, filled with plastic sacks of bottles and cans. They slap\npalms and\n\nshake hands as Kramer pulls down the door and flips the handle\nclosed.\n\nGeorge's Office)\n\nGeorge has his head down on his desk. Wilhelm walks jauntily\nalong the\n\nCorridor and enters the office.\n\nWILHELM\nSo...\n\nGeorge snaps awake.\n\nWILHELM\n...did you go down to payroll?\n\nGEORGE\n(standing) Yes, payroll. Yes I did.\nVery productive. Payroll...\n\nPaid off.\n\nWILHELM\n(pleased) Well then, I guess you'll\nbe heading downtown then,\n\nhuh?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, yeah. Downtown. Definitely.\n\nWILHELM\nWell, I'm very interested to see how\nthis thing turns out.\n\nGEORGE\n(to himself) Yeah, you said it. (to\nWilhelm) Uh, excuse me, Mr\n\nWilhelm. Uh, do you really think... Well, is this downtown trip\nreally\n\nnecessary, you know, for the project?\n\nWILHELM\nOh no, you've got to go downtown, George.\nIt's all downtown.\n\nJust like the song says.\n\nGEORGE\nThe song?\n\nWILHELM\nThere's your answer. Downtown.\n\nWilhelm leaves.\n\nGEORGE\n(thoughtful) Downtown.\n\n(Monk's)\n\nGeorge and Jerry in a booth.\n\nJERRY\nThe song Downtown? You mean the Petula\nClark song?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nYou sure he didn't just mention it because\nyou happened to be\n\nGoing downtown?\n\nGEORGE\nI think he was trying to tell me something,\nlike it had some\n\nsort of a\n\nmeaning.\n\nJERRY\nOkay, so how does it go?\n\nGEORGE\n'When you're alone, and life is making\nyou lonely, you can\n\nalways go...'\n\nJERRY\n'... downtown.'\n\nGEORGE\n'Maybe you know some little places to\ngo, where they never\n\nclose...'\n\nJERRY\n'...downtown.'\n\nGEORGE\nWait a second. 'Little places to go,\nwhere they never close.'\n\nWhat's a little place that never closes?\n\nJERRY\nSeven-eleven?\n\nGEORGE\n'Just listen to the music of the traffic,\nin the city. Linger\n\non the sidewalk, where the neon lights are pretty.' Where the\nneon lights are\n\npretty. The Broadway area?\n\nJERRY\nNo, that's midtown.\n\nGEORGE\n'The lights are much brighter there.\nYou can forget all your\n\ntroubles, forget all your cares, just go...'\n\nJERRY\n'...down town.'\n\nGEORGE\n'Things'll be great, when you're...'\n\nJERRY\n'...downtown.'\n\nGEORGE\nI got nothing, Jerry. Nothing.\n\nJERRY\nWell, 'don't hang around and let your\ntroubles surround you.\n\nThere are movie shows...'\n\nGEORGE\nYou think I should come clean? What\nd'you think, you think I\n\nShould confess?\n\nJERRY\nHow can you lose?\n\n(Jerry's Apartment/Elaine's Office)\n\nJerry enters. He goes to his answering machine and plays the\nmessages.\n\nTONY\nYeah, Jerry, it's Tony Abato at the\nshop. Look, we gotta talk. You better\ncome down, any time after four.\n\nJerry looks less than happy at the prospect. The phone rings,\nand Jerry\n\nanswers.\n\nJERRY\nHello.\n\nELAINE\nHi, it's me.\n\nJERRY\nOh, hi.\n\nELAINE\nListen, I need to come over and pick\nup the clubs for Peterman.\n\nJERRY\nOh, you know what?\n\nELAINE\n(worry) Oh no. What?\n\nJERRY\nOh, no. It's no big deal. I left the\nclubs in the car.\n\nELAINE\nYou left them in the car? How could\nyou leave them in the car?\n\nJERRY\nI forgot.\n\nELAINE\nOh, go down and get them.\n\nJERRY\nI can't. The car's at the mechanics.\n\nELAINE\nAh, this is great. Alright, well, where\nis the mechanic? I'll just go and pick\n'em up myself.\n\nJERRY\nNo, no, you can't. He's working on the\ncar right now. You can not disturb him\nwhile he's working. But I'm going down\nthere in like an hour, if you wanna\nmeet me down there. You know the place,\nit's on fifty-sixth street?\n\nELAINE\n(resigned) Ugh, okay, alright, fine.\n\n(Outside Auto Shop)\n\nJerry looks a touch anxious as Tony approaches. Tony is still\nreal intense.\n\nJERRY\nHey, Tony.\n\nTONY\nThanks for coming in, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nSure.\n\nTONY\nI think I know what's goin' on here,\nand I just wanna hear it from you. But\nI want you to be straight with me. Don't\nlie to me, Jerry. You know that motor\noil you're puttin' in there? (reproachful)\nFrom one of those quicky lube places,\nisn't it?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I change it so often, I mean to\ncome all the way down here...\n\nTONY\nJerry, motor oil is the lifeblood of\na car. Okay, you put in a low-grade\noil, you could damage vital engine parts.\nOkay. (holds up component) See this\ngasket? (throws it down) I have no confidence\nin that gasket.\n\nJERRY\nI really wanna...\n\nTONY\nHere's what I wanna do. I wanna overhaul\nthe entire engine. But it's gonna take\na major commitment from you. You're\ngonna have to keep it under sixty miles\nan hour for a while. You gotta come\nin, and you gotta get the oil changed\nevery thousand miles.\n\nJERRY\nHow much money is this gonna cost me?\n\nTONY\n(contempt) Huh. I don't understand you.\nIt's your own car we're Talking about.\nYou know you wrote the wrong mileage\ndown on the form? You barely know the\ncar. You don't know the mileage, you\ndon't know the tyre pressure. When was\nthe last time you even checked the washer\nfluid?\n\nJERRY\nThe washer fluid is fine.\n\nTONY\n(angry) The washer fluid is not fine!\n\nJERRY\nAlright, you know what, uhm... I just\nwanna take my car, and I'm gonna bring\nit someplace else.\n\nTONY\nWhat d'you mean?\n\nJERRY\nJust, can I have my car? I wanna pay\nmy bill, I'm gonna be on my way.\n\nTONY\nWell, the car's on a lift.\n\nJERRY\nWell, just get it down.\n\nTONY\n(subdued) Alright. Okay. Well, uhm,\nwait here and I'll uh, I'll bring it\naround.\n\nJERRY\nOkay. Thank you, very much.\n\nTony walks away into the auto shop. Elaine arrives.\n\nELAINE\nHey. Where's the car?\n\nJERRY\nHe's bringing it.\n\nELAINE\nGood.\n\nThere is the sound of a car starting up, then a squeal of tires\nand\nJerry's Saab emerges from the auto shop at high speed. It passes\nJerry and Elaine and\nRaces away down the street. They stare open-mouthed after the\ncar, and at each other in astonishment.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Bottle-Deposit-Part-2.html",
    "text": "THE BOTTLE DEPOSIT PART 2\n\nWritten by\n\nGregg Kavet & Andy Robin\n\n(Outside Auto Shop)\n\nJerry and Elaine are outside the autoshop. Jerry is on the payphone.\n\nJERRY\nOkay, thank you. (hangs up the phone)\n\nELAINE\nSo? What'd they say?\n\nJERRY\nThey're sending a detective to my apartment\ntomorrow.\n\nELAINE\nWhat the hell were you thinking leaving\nmy clubs in that car?!\n\nJERRY\nWell, I didn't count on my mechanic\npulling a Mary-Beth\n\nWhitehead, did I?\n\nELAINE\nWhat kind of maniac is this guy?\n\nJERRY\nHe's a very special maniac.\n\nELAINE\nWhat am I supposed to tell Mr Peterman.\n\nJERRY\nI don't know.\n\nELAINE\nWhy couldn't you take better care of\nthat car?!\n\n(Elaine's Office)\n\nElaine at her desk. Peterman enters.\n\nPETERMAN\nWell, are they here?\n\nELAINE\nMr Peterman, uh... There seems to be\na bit of a snag.\n\nPETERMAN\nSnag?\n\nELAINE\nIt seems that a psychotic mechanic has\nabsconded with my\n\nfriend's car.\n\nPETERMAN\nWhat does that have to do with my clubs?\n\nELAINE\nThey happened to be in the back seat\nat the time.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry is talking with a police detective at his door.\n\nDETECTIVE\nWhat was the suspect wearing at the\ntime of the incident?\n\nJERRY\nYou know, like mechanic's pants, a shirt\nthat said 'Tony'. Lemme\n\nask you something, have you ever seen a case like this before?\n\nDETECTIVE\nAll the time. A mechanic forms an emotional\nattachment,\n\nthinks he'sgonna lose the car, he panics, he does something rash.\nI'm gonna ask\n\nyou somepersonal questions. I'm sorry if I touch a nerve, but\nI think it'll\n\nhelp with the case. Had you been taking good care of the car?\n\nJERRY\nHad I been taking...?\n\nDETECTIVE\nWell, did you leave the A/C on? Do you\nzip over speed bumps?\n\nDo you ride the clutch? Things like that.\n\nJERRY\nW-well, what does it matter? It's my\ncar, I can do whatever I\n\nwant with it.\n\nThe detective stares at Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nNot that I would think of doing such\nthings.\n\nDETECTIVE\n(making a note) Alright Mr Seinfeld,\nwe'll let you know if\n\nwe find anything. I gotta be honest with you, these cases never\nend up well.\n\nJERRY\nWell uh, whatever you can do. Thanks.\n\nGeorge's Office)\n\nGeorge sits at his desk, his forehead resting on a folder he\nhas\n\nclutched in his hands. Mr Wilhelm enters, looking happy.\n\nGEORGE\n(hesitant) Uh, Mr Wilhelm. Uh, about\nthe project...\n\nWILHELM\nThat's what I came to talk to you about.\nGreat job George.\n\n(shakes George's hand) You really nailed it.\n\nGEORGE\nI did?\n\nWILHELM\nOh yes, I read through it this morning.\nI couldn't have done\n\nit better myself, and I turned it right over to Mr Steinbrenner.\nGood work\n\nGeorge.\n\nWilhelm leaves. George looks stunned and confused.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nBy now, George is looking much more pleased.\n\nJERRY\nI don't get it. He assigns it to you,\nyou don't do it. Somehow\n\nit gets done, and now he's telling you what a great job you did.\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe somebody did it and didn't take\ncredit for it. Maybe it\n\nwas already done and didn't need doing in the first place. I\nhave no idea\n\nwho did it, what they did, or how they did it so well. And you\nknow what? Jimmy\n\ncrack corn and I don't care.\n\n(Mr Wilhelm's Home)\n\nWilhelm sits on the couch. He has a newspaper and is talking\nto his\n\nwife, who's in another room.\n\nWILHELM\nThe gardener did a nice job planting\nthe rose bushes, didn't\n\nhe dear?\n\nMRS WILHELM\nYou planted the rose bushes, dear.\n\nWILHELM\nI did?\n\nMRS WILHELM\nYesterday. You remember.\n\nWILHELM\n(thinks for a moment) That's right.\n(pause) What's for dinner?\n\nMRS WILHELM\nWe just ate. Did you forget to take\nyour medicine?\n\nWilhelm can be seen struggling to recollect.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nA still pleased looking George is fetching a drink from Jerry's\nfridge.\n\nGEORGE\nThe point is, however it got done, it's\ndone. So, any luck with\n\nthe car?\n\nJERRY\nNo. The police have no leads (sitting\non the couch arm) and I\n\njust found out today my insurance doesn't cover it.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy not?\n\nJERRY\nThey don't consider it stolen, if you\nwilfully give the guy the\n\nkeys.\n\nThe door opens and Elaine enters.\n\nELAINE\n(to George) Hey.\n\nGEORGE\nHey.\n\nELAINE\n(to Jerry) Hey. What did the detective\nsay?\n\nJERRY\nThey're looking.\n\nGEORGE\nI gotta go.\n\nGeorge leaves. The phone rings and Jerry picks up.\n\nJERRY\nY'hello.\n\nDETECTIVE\nMr Seinfeld?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nDETECTIVE\nIt's Detective McMahon...\n\nElaine looks quizzical. Jerry mouths, 'It's the police'\n\nDETECTIVE\n...I'm at the warehouse on Pier 38.\nAh, I think you'd\n\nbetter get down here.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, okay. (to Elaine) They may have\nfound the car.\n\nELAINE\n(makes surprise noise) Are the clubs\nin it? Ask him.\n\nJERRY\nAre there golf clubs in the back?\n\nDETECTIVE\nWe really can't tell. You better bring\nyour service\n\nrecords.\n\n(Pier 38 Warehouse)\n\nThe interior of the warehouse is gloomy and dank. There are cars\nand\n\nparts of cars arranged round the area, together with tools, welding\ngear, etc.\n\nDetective McMahon stands beside a car-shaped object hidden under\na white sheet.\n\nJerry and Elaine are led in by a young patrolman who looks queasy.\n\nYOUNG COP\nWatch where you step. There's quite\na bit of... grease.\n\nDetective, Jerry Seinfeld is here.\n\nDETECTIVE\nHow d'you do. Thanks for coming down.\n\nJERRY\n(indicating) This is Elaine Benes.\n\nELAINE\n(explaining) We used to date, but now\nwe're just friends.\n\nDETECTIVE\nI see.\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nDETECTIVE\nI'm sorry to make you go through this,\nbut we need to make\n\nsure.\n\nJERRY\nWell, what's going on? What is this\nthing?\n\nDETECTIVE\nOne of our patrolmen stumbled over this.\n\nHe lifts the sheet, revealing what's beneath to Jerry and Elaine.\n\nELAINE\n(horrified) Huuh! (she turns away and\ncovers her mouth)\n\nJERRY\nOh my God!\n\nThe young patrolman removes his cap out of respect for the victim.\n\nDETECTIVE\nThe block is nearly split apart. We\nfound the overhead cams\n\nthirty feet away. We can only hope the body sold for scrap.\n\nELAINE\nOh, my God.\n\nDETECTIVE\nAnd we know it's a Saab. The angle on\nthe Vee-6 is\n\ndefinitely ninety-two. The model is hard to determine because\nthe drive train is\n\nall burnt out.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is that smell?\n\nDETECTIVE\nLook at the clutch.\n\nThey look. Jerry and Elaine don't like what they see.\n\nELAINE\nUuh.\n\nThe patrolman cracks and leaves hurriedly, looking nauseous.\n\nYOUNG COP\nExcuse me.\n\nDETECTIVE\nWhoever did this didn't just dismantle\nit. I mean, they took\n\ntheir time, they had fun. They were very systematic. They went\nout of their\n\nway to gouge the sides of every piston, and the turbo was separated\nfrom the\n\nhousing and shoved right up the exhaust pipe.\n\nELAINE\nUhh\n\nJERRY\nWait a second. Turbo? I didn't have\na turbo.\n\nDETECTIVE\nYour car's not a turbo?\n\nJERRY\nNo, it's a nine-hundred S. (happy) It's\na turbo, Elaine, a\n\nturbo!\n\nELAINE\n(sobbing happiness) It's a tu-hur-bo.\n\nElaine and Jerry hug in happiness. In the background, another\nwoman\n\narrives.\n\nWOMAN\nExcuse me, did you say turbo? Saab turbo\nnine-thousand? Is it...\n\n(voice breaking) midnight blue?\n\nDETECTIVE\n(condolences) Yes ma'am.\n\n(Mail Truck)\n\nNewman drives as he and Kramer give voice to their happiness.\n\nKRAMER/NEWMAN\n(singing) Nine thousand, nine hundred\nand ninety-nine\n\nbottle and cans in the trunk, nine thousand, nine hundred and\nninety-nine bottles\n\nand cans. At ten cents a bottle and ten cents a can, we're pulling\nin five\n\nhundred dollars a man. Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight\nbottle and cans in\n\nthe trunk, nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight bottles\nand cans.\n\nWe fill up with gas, we count up our cash!!...\n\nTheir singing ends shambolically as they lose track of the lyrics.\nBut\n\nthe pair still look gleeful.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment/Jerry's car)\n\nThe phone rings in Jerry's apartment. He picks it up.\n\nJERRY\nHello.\n\nTONY\nHey Jerry, it's Tony.\n\nJERRY\nTony, where are you?\n\nThe Saab is driving down a quiet country road at night.\n\nTONY\nAw look, I just want you to know that\nthe car is fine. I got her\n\nall fixed up. We're in a nice area, no potholes, no traffic.\nSo there's nothing\n\nto worry about. Okay? In fact, here, somebody wants to talk to\nyou.\n\nTony holds the phone toward the dash and revs the engine a little.\n\nJerry can hear the engine noise over the phone.\n\nJERRY\nTony, y-you better bring that car back!\n\nTONY\n(angry) Nobody's giving anything back!\nYou tried to take it from\n\nme, I don't forget that.\n\nJERRY\nTony, it is my car, and I want it back!\n\nTONY\nOh, your car. You want your car back!\n\nJERRY\nTony.\n\nTONY\nListen, that registration may have your\nname on it, Jerry. But\n\nthis engine's running on my sweat and my blood.\n\nTony hangs up the phone.\n\nJERRY\n(exasperated) Where do I find these\nguys?\n\n(Mail Truck)\n\nKramer is driving the truck along a highway in daylight.\n\nNEWMAN\nHow much gas we got?\n\nKRAMER\nThree quarters of a tank.\n\nNewman punches the numbers into a calculator.\n\nKRAMER\nThat's better than we estimated.\n\nNEWMAN\n(smugly) That is seven dollars and twenty-two\ncents better.\n\nThey give a smug little laugh.\n\nNEWMAN\nMaybe we could uh, stop for a snack.\n\nKRAMER\nAh, no, that's not in the budget.\n\nNEWMAN\nYeah well, the budget changed, you know.\nI mean, it might be a\n\ngood investment.\n\nKRAMER\nThat's not a good investment, that's\na loss.\n\nA convertible black Saab passes the mail truck.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, d'you see that car? Looks like\nJerry's. I'm gonna check\n\nout that license plate.\n\nHe accelerates the mail truck to close on the Saab, and leans\nforward,\n\nstraining to make out the plate.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, those are New York plates.\n\nNEWMAN\nIs that Jerry's number?\n\nKRAMER\nI don't know, but that's New York and\nwe're in Ohio. Those are\n\npretty good odds.\n\nKramer reaches under his seat, rummaging for something.\n\nNEWMAN\nWhat're you doing?\n\nKRAMER\nI'm calling Jerry.\n\nNEWMAN\nOn what?\n\nKRAMER\nBrought my phone.\n\nHe pulls out his mobile and hits the speed dial for Jerry.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment/Mail Truck)\n\nJERRY\n(answering phone) Y'hello.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, hey Jerry, what's your licence\nplate number?\n\nJERRY\nWhy, what's up?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well I think I spotted your car.\n\nJERRY\nOh my god, you're kidding. (dives for\nhis wallet) Hang on a\n\nsecond. (reading from his registration) It's JVN 728.\n\nKRAMER\n(checks the car ahead of him) Hey, that's\nit! That's it. Hey,\n\nuh look, we got him. We're driving right behind him in a truck.\n\nJERRY\nOh my god. Yeah, yeah, he said he brought\nit to the country.\n\nKRAMER\nWell we're in the country and we're\nright on his tail.\n\nJERRY\nGood work Kramer, this is incredible.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, don't worry Jerry. We're right\non this guy like stink on\n\na monkey! I'll check back with you.\n\n(Elaine's Office/Jerry's Apartment)\n\nThe phone rings in Elaine's office. She answers it.\n\nELAINE\nElaine Benes.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, it's me. Kramer found the car!\n\nELAINE\nOh my god, where is it?\n\nJERRY\nIt's somewhere in the country, they're\nfollowing 'em.\n\nELAINE\nAre the clubs there?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know. They're tailing him. I'm\nwaiting for them to call\n\nme back.\n\nELAINE\nAlright, I'm heading over right now.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nElaine enters at a rush.\n\nELAINE\nWhat's the status?\n\nJERRY\nLast check-in, they were still on him.\n\nELAINE\nWell, have they called the police yet?\n\nJERRY\nNo, they won't call the police.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? Why not?\n\nJERRY\nThey're afraid they'll get in trouble\nfor misusing a mail truck.\n\nKramer doesn't want a record.\n\nELAINE\nKramer has a record.\n\nJERRY\nNot a Federal record.\n\nThe phone rings. Jerry grabs the handset by the couch, Elaine\npicks up\n\nin the kitchen.\n\n(Mail Truck/Jerry's Apartment)\n\nELAINE/JERRY\nKramer?\n\nJERRY\nWhat's going on?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, nothing. We're still following\nhim.\n\nAhead of the truck, the black Saab indicates his intention to\nmove onto\n\nthe off-ramp.\n\nKRAMER\nWait a second, he's getting off. Yeah,\nhe's gonna be going\n\nsouth on the one-thirty-five.\n\nELAINE\nKeep following him.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, alright, I'll follow him.\n\nNEWMAN\nHey, we can't follow him, we're going\nnorth to Michigan.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, hey listen, I can't. It's gonna\nbe taking us out of our\n\nway.\n\nELAINE\nI need those clubs.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, I want my car.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I don't know what to do.\n\nNEWMAN\nHey, we got ten thousand deposit bottles\nhere. I mean, this guy\n\ncould be going to Arkansas.\n\nJERRY\nKeep following him Kramer. don't let\nme down.\n\nNEWMAN\nHey, don't listen to him. I mean, we\ncan't afford a detour. Our\n\nbudget won't hold it.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I don't know what to do man!\n\nNEWMAN\nKramer! Stay left. Left, left, left.\n\nELAINE/JERRY\nRight. Go right!/South!\n\nKRAMER\nAlright! Alright. I'm getting off! I'm\ngonna go on the ramp.\n\nKramer swerves onto the off-ramp at the last moment. Tyres squeal\nand\n\nthe truck sways.\n\n(Mail Truck)\n\nNEWMAN\nI hope you realise what you've done.\nYou've destroyed our whole\n\nventure.\n\nKRAMER\nThis ramp is steep.\n\nNEWMAN\nAll my work, my planning, my genius.\nAll for nought.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, look, we're pulling too much\nweight. He's getting away\n\nfrom us here. (indicating) Take the wheel.\n\nNewman reaches across and takes the steering wheel as Kramer\ngets out\n\nof the driving seat.\n\nNEWMAN\nWhat're you doing?\n\nKRAMER\n(climbing though into the back of the\ntruck) I'm gonna get\n\nsomething.\n\nNEWMAN\nAre you crazy?\n\nThe truck swerves as Newman slides into the driving seat.\n\nKRAMER\nKeep your foot on the gas.\n\nKramer shoves his way through the sackloads of bottles and cans.\n\nNEWMAN\nHey! You're not dumping those bottles\nback there, are you?\n\nKramer slides open the rear door of the truck.\n\nNEWMAN\nHey Kramer, those have wholesale value!\nWe could cut our\n\nlosses.\n\nKramer grabs a sack and heaves it out the back of the truck.\n\nKRAMER\nLook out below!!\n\nCar horns can be heard as the sack lands in the carriageway.\nKramer\n\ngrabs another sack and hurls that out, with another yelled warning.\n\nSteinbrenner's Office)\n\nSteinbrenner sits behind his desk. He's examining something on\nhis\n\ndesktop with a large powerful magnifying glass.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\n(to himself) With this magnifying glass,\nI feel like a\n\nscientist.\n\nThere is a tap at the door, and George cautiously enters.\n\nGEORGE\nYou wanted to see me, sir?\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nAh, come in George, come in.\n\nGeorge strolls up to Big Stein's desk, looking more confident.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nUh, Wilhelm gave me this project you\nworked on.\n\nGEORGE\n(smiling) Yes sir.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nLet me ask you something, George. You\nhaving any personal\n\nproblems at home? Girl trouble, love trouble of any kind?\n\nGEORGE\n(wondering where this is leading) No\nsir.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nWhat about drugs? You doing some of\nthat crack cocaine?\n\nYou on the pipe?\n\nGEORGE\n(worried now) No sir.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nAre you seeing a psychiatrist? Bcause\nI got a flash for\n\nyou young man, you're non compos mentis! You got some bats in\nthe belfry!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat're.. What're you talking about?\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nGeorge, I've read this report. It's\nvery troubling, very\n\ntroubling indeed. It's a sick mind at work here.\n\nTwo burly guys who are clearly medical orderlies come into the\nroom\n\nbehind George.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nOkay, come on boys, come on in here.\nGeorge, this is Herb\n\nand Dan.\n\nGeorge regards the two guys, very nervously as they approach\nhim and\n\nstand behind him, one on either shoulder.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nThey're gonna take you away to a nice\nplace where you can\n\nget some help. They're very friendly people there. My brother-in-law\nwas there\n\nfor a couple of weeks. The man was obsessed with lactating women.\nThey\n\ncompletely cured him, although he still eats a lot of cheese.\n\nHerb and Dan take hold of George's arms. George gets panicky.\n\nGEORGE\nAh, see, Mister.. I didn't write that\nreport. That, that's not\n\nmine.\n\nHerb and Dan begin to drag the struggling George across the office\n\ntoward the door.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nOf course you didn't George. Of course\nyou didn't write\n\nit.\n\nGEORGE\nI didn't do it! It..It just got done.\nI don't know how it got\n\ndone, but it did.\n\nAs Herb and Dan haul George through the door, George makes his\nlast\n\nstand, trying to get a hold on the doorframe with his feet. Eventually\nhe is\n\ndragged out into the corridor and vanishes from view.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nOf course. Of course it got done. Things\nget done all the\n\ntime, I understand. (as George disappears) Don't worry, your\njob'll be waiting\n\nfor you when you get back. (banging his fist on his desk) Get\nbetter George.\n\nGet better!\n\n(Mail Truck)\n\nThe Saab travels down a quiet country road at night, followed\nby the\n\nmail truck. Kramer is driving, Newman looks furious in the passenger\nseat.\n\nKRAMER\n(frustrated) Damn. I don't understand\nthis. I've ditched every\n\nbottle and can, and we still can't gain. It's like we're...\n\nHe looks across at the substantial bulk of Newman and a thought\noccurs.\n\nKRAMER\n...sluggish.\n\nNEWMAN\nI went through all those bottles and\nall those cans, for what?\n\nWhat a waste. And I'm really gonna catch hell for those missing\nmailbags.\n\nKRAMER\nHeyy, wasn't that a pie stand back there?\n\nNEWMAN\n(perks up) A pie stand? Where?\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah. Home-made pies, two hundred\nyards back.\n\nNEWMAN\nAww, c'mon, pull over, pull over will\nya.\n\nKramer pulls the truck into the roadside. As it halts, Newman\nsticks\n\nhis head out the window to peer back down the road.\n\nNEWMAN\nWhere? I..I..I don't see it.\n\nKRAMER\nWell open the door, you get a better\nlook.\n\nNewman slides back the door and leans out.\n\nNEWMAN\nI don't see any pie...\n\nKramer plants his foot firmly in Newman's backside and heaves\nhim out\n\nof the truck.\n\nNEWMAN\n...Aargh!\n\nAs Newman lands heavily in the verge, Kramer slides the door\nshut and\n\ndrives away.\n\nNEWMAN\nKramer!!\n\nKRAMER\nI'm sorry Newman, you were holding us\nback.\n\nNEWMAN\n(after speeding truck) Kramer!!\n\nIn the mail truck, Kramer picks up his phone and redials.\n\nKRAMER\n(shouting) Jerry! We've lost the fat\nman, and we're running\n\nlean. We're back on track, buddy!\n\n(Country Roadside)\n\nNewman wanders forlornly along the roadside at night. He tries\nto thumb\n\na ride from passing traffic, displaying his uniform insignia\nto drivers.\n\nNEWMAN\nFederal employee. Federal employee.\n\nAside from a few blaring car horns, he gets no response. He continues\n\nhis trudge, a sour look on his face.\n\n(Countryside)\n\nNewman struggles up a steep slope.\n\nNewman pushes his way through a field of crops. He emerges from\nthe\n\nvegetation and sees a farmhouse, its lights blazing. His face\nlights up. He\n\nstumbles towards the welcoming lights, tripping and falling,\nbefore picking\n\nhimself up and running up to the building.\n\n(Farm)\n\nNewman reaches the steps to the porch and stumbles up them. As\nhe\n\nreaches the door, a scent catches his attention. Looking to the\nwindow, he sees a\n\npie left out on the window sill to cool. A craftier look comes\nto his face. He\n\nturns back to the door and knocks. After a few seconds, it opens.\n\nFARMER\nHello stranger.\n\nNEWMAN\n(a touch desperate) Ah, look, I..I'm\nsorry to bother you, but\n\nI'm a US postal worker and my mail truck was just ambushed by\na band of\n\nbackwoods mail-hating survivalists.\n\nFARMER\nCalm down, now. Calm down. Don't worry,\nwe'll take care of you.\n\nThis farm ain't much, but uh, you're welcome to what we have.\nHot bath,\n\nhearty meal, clean bed.\n\nNEWMAN\nOh, thank you, sir.\n\nFARMER\nJust have one rule. Keep your hands\noff my daughter.\n\nJust then, the daughter in question slinks up behind the farmer.\n\nBlonde, twenty-ish, just one walking temptation.\n\n(Mail Truck/Jerry's Apartment)\n\nKramer has the mail truck right behind Jerry's Saab as they race\nalong\n\na quiet country road.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, we got 'im. I'm riding his tail.\nThere's no escape. He's\n\nrunning scared, buddy.\n\nJerry and Elaine are sitting on the couch, each with a phone\nhandset.\n\nJERRY\nHow's the gas situation?\n\nKRAMER\n(checks dial) I got enough to get to\nMemphis.\n\nIn front of him, Tony reaches into the back seat of the Saab.\n\nKRAMER\nHe's reaching in back. He's grabbing\nat something.\n\nTony extracts a long, metallic object from behind himself.\n\nKRAMER\nHe's pulling out a gun! He's got a gun,\nJerry!!\n\nJERRY\nDuck, Kramer! Duck!\n\nKramer crouches as far as he can. Tony flings the object at Kramer's\n\nmail truck. It crashes against the windshield and bounces away.\n\nKRAMER\nIt's a golf club! It's no gun. He threw\na golf club at me!\n\nELAINE\nThose are JFK's golf clubs!\n\nTony hurls another club at the mail truck. Again, it bounces\noff the\n\nwindshield, leaving some cracks.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, I'm under fire here. (another club\nhits) I'm under heavy\n\nfire here, boy. (another hit) Jeez! That was a five-iron!\n\nELAINE\nStop the truck, Kramer. Pick up the\nclubs!\n\nJERRY\nNo, don't stop, Kramer. Keep going,\ndon't let him get away.\n\nKRAMER\nWait a minute, I think he's done. (peers\nat the Saab) Oh no,\n\nhe's taking out the woods!\n\nTony flings a heavy wood at the truck.\n\nKRAMER\n(noise)\n\nThe Saab leads the truck down the road, with Tony hurling club\nafter\n\nclub over his shoulder and into the front of the truck.\n\nKRAMER\n(yelling at Tony) You'll have to do\na lot better than that!\n\nTony hurls the golf bag at the truck. It slams solidly against\nthe\n\nwindshield, Kramer flinches, the truck swerves. The front wheel\nruns over a club on\n\nthe tarmac and the tyre bursts.\n\nJERRY\n(hearing the noises) What's happening!\n\nThe truck is rattling and lurching as it struggles along the\nroad.\n\nKRAMER\nThis truck is dying. We're losing him.\n\nThe Saab easily outpaces the truck and accelerates away. The\ntruck\n\nstaggers to a halt, giving out a death rattle. A cloud of steam\nand smoke erupts from\n\nunder the hood.\n\nKRAMER\nI think we lost him.\n\nJERRY\n(disappointment) Dammit!\n\nELAINE\n(quietly) Can you stop and pick up those\nclubs Kramer?\n\nKRAMER\n(subdued) Yeah, yeah, I'll get 'em.\n\nJerry hangs up.\n\n(Country)\n\nKramer climbs out of the truck and looks back down the road.\nHe kicks\n\nthe deflated tyre. Coming to the front of the truck, he picks\na club off\n\nthe front bumper and pulls the broken shaft of another out of\nthe radiator\n\ngrille.\n\nKramer walks along the road with the bent and broken clubs. He\ncomes\n\nupon the bag and transfers the clubs into it. Slinging it over\nhis shoulder, he\n\ncontinues on his way, picking up more battered golf clubs as\nhe goes.\n\n(Farm)\n\nNewman, the farmer and the farmer's daughter sit round the kitchen\n\ntable. They are working their way through a generous meal.\n\nFARMER\nEnjoy that mutton?\n\nNEWMAN\n(mouth full) It's delicious mutton.\nThis is uh, this is outta\n\nsight. I would, I would love to get the recipe. It's very good.\n\nThe farmer's daughter is staring at Newman and toying with her\nfork,\n\ntouching it to her lips and teeth. (It's difficult to be arousing\nwith cutlery, but\n\nshe's giving it a pretty good shot.) Newman notices this and\ntries to take a\n\nnonchalant sip from a glass, but it goes down the wrong way and\nhe\n\nsplutters.\n\nFARMER\nThat cider too strong for you?\n\nNEWMAN\nNo, no. I love strong cider. (for the\nfarmer's daughter's\n\nbenefit) I'm a big, strong, cider guy.\n\nThe farmer's daughter licks her lips.\n\nFARMER\nGonna be milking Holsteins in the morning,\nif you'd like to\n\nlend a hand.\n\nNEWMAN\n(reluctant) You know, I don't really\nknow that much about uh..\n\nI don't have any.. I don't.. I don't think I know much about\nthat.\n\nFARMER\nAhh, Susie here'll teach you.\n\nThe farmer's daughter goes wide eyed.\n\nFARMER\nJust gotta pull on the teat a little.\n\nSusie and Newman half-laugh nervously.\n\nSUSIE\n(suggestive) Nice having a big, strong,\nman around.\n\nNEWMAN\nYou know, those mail bags, they get\nmighty heavy. I uh, I\n\nNautilus, of course. (puffs out his chest)\n\nThe farmer looks at him oddly.\n\nNEWMAN\n(breaking from his pose) Can I have\nsome gravy?\n\n(Institution)\n\nGeorge is using a payphone in the corner of the room. His free\nhand is\n\nholding the waistband of his trousers. In the background are\na couple of\n\ninmates and visitors, and an orderly. Notable among them are\nPop and Deena Lazzari,\n\npreviously seen in 'The Gum'.\n\nGEORGE\n(desperate) Steinbrenner had me committed!\nI'm in the nuthouse!\n\nDEENA\nI'll be back same time next week, Pop.\n\nGEORGE\n(quieter desperation) They took my belt,\nJerry. I got nothing\n\nto hold my pants up. (listens) Well, you gotta come over here\nnow! Just tell 'em\n\nwhat we talked about, how I, how I, I didn't do the project.\n\nDeena spots George as she makes her way out of the room.\n\nDEENA\nGeorge?\n\nGeorge looks like his salvation has arrived. He hangs up the\nphone.\n\nDEENA\nI see you're finally getting some help.\n\nGEORGE\nAw, hoh, oh Deena, thank God. (he hugs\nDeena) Thank God you're\n\nhere. Listen, you gotta help me. You gotta tell these people\nthat I'm okay.\n\nYou know that I don't belong in here.\n\nDEENA\nGeorge, this is the best thing for you.\n(she walks away)\n\nGEORGE\nYea... (sinks in) What? No, no!\n\nAs he tries to follow Deena, the orderly grabs hold of him and\n\nrestrains him.\n\nGEORGE\nDeena! Deena, wait a... Deena, help!\n\nGeorge is almost in tears and hops from foot to foot in frustration\nas\n\nthe orderly holds him. Pop Lazzari wanders over.\n\nPOP\nIs that little Georgie C? How's the\nfolks? You still got that nice\n\nlittle car?\n\n(Countryside)\n\nKramer approaches a familiar farmhouse. As he mounts the steps\nup to\n\nthe porch, a commotion erupts inside the place. A gunshot rings\nout and the\n\nfarmer's daughter screams. Kramer flinches. The farmer can be\nheard yelling\n\nangrily. The door is flung open and Newman runs out pulling up\nhis trousers.\n\nNEWMAN\n(screaming in panic) Aaah!! Aaah!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat you doing?!\n\nNEWMAN\n(pushing past Kramer) Kramer, help me!\nHelp me!\n\nNewman sets off running. From the door of the farmhouse comes\nthe\n\nfarmer, armed with a shotgun, closely followed by his daughter,\nwhose shirt is undone\n\nand hair is dishevelled.\n\nKRAMER\n(takes one look and sets off after Newman)\nJeez!\n\nFARMER\n(taking aim) I told you to keep away\nfrom my daughter!\n\nAs Kramer and Newman reach the edge of the crops, the farmer\nfires a\n\nshot. Both Newman and Kramer leap in the air and run into the\ncover of the crop.\n\nBefore the farmer can fire again, his daughter pushes the barrel\nof the shotgun\n\ndownward, spoiling his aim.\n\nSUSIE\nNo daddy, you'll hurt him! I love him!\n(waving after Newman) Goodbye Norman,\ngoodbye.\n\n(Elaine's Office)\n\nElaine is sitting with her head in her hands. Peterman enters\nat a rush.\n\nPETERMAN\n(excited) Elaine! You found the clubs.\nThat's wonderful news. Where are they?\n\nELAINE\n(not the soul of happiness) Yep. Lemme\nget 'em for you, Mr Peterman.\n\nPETERMAN\nOh, I'll be inaugrating them this weekend,\nwith none other than Ethel Kennedy.\nA woman whose triumph in the face of\ntragedy is exceeded only by her proclivity\nto procreate.\n\nElaine puts the bag of clubs down beside Peterman. The clubs\nare, of course, wrecked. Elaine looks like she's expecting a\npoor reaction. Peterman picks up a club or two, staring in disbelief\nat the twisted metal.\n\nELAINE\nThe uh, the letter of, authenticity's\nin the side pocket there.\n\nPETERMAN\nElaine. I never knew Kennedy had such\na temper.\n\nELAINE\n(spotting a chance to keep her job)\nOh. Oh yeah. The only thing worse was\nhis slice. (she laughs nervously)\n\nPETERMAN\nSee you on Monday.\n\nPeterman picks up the bag and heads for the door.\n\nELAINE\nHave a good game.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Wait-Out.html",
    "text": "THE WAIT OUT\n\nWritten by\n\nPeter Mehlman\n\n(The Coffee Shop)\n\n(Elaine and Jerry are sitting across from each other in a booth)\n\nJERRY\nNew hairdo?\n\nELAINE\n(Looking up from a menu) Yeah.\n\nJERRY\nYou look like Brenda Starr.\n\nELAINE\nIs that good?\n\nJERRY\nIt's better than Dondi.\n\n(Elaine laughs, then draws her attention to a table across the\nroom)\n\nELAINE\nHey, my God, look at that. (Jerry looks\nover at the table. A man and a woman\nare dining) David and Beth Lookner.\n(Leaning in for confidentiality) You\nknow, I heard a rumor their marriage\nwas a little rocky.\n\nJERRY\n(Interested, still looking at the couple)\nReally?\n\nELAINE\nMm-hmm.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, I have a little thing for\nBeth Lookner.\n\nELAINE\nWell, I have to admit, I've always thought\nDavid was kind of sponge-worthy. (Winks,\nmaking a clicking sound with her tongue)\n\nJERRY\nYeah.. I've been waitin' out their marriage\nfor three years.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, me too. Well, I've been waiting\nout two or three marriages, but this\nis the one I really had my eye on.\n\n(George enters, somewhat annoyed. He's gesturing to the parking\nlot)\n\nGEORGE\nThis car out there is taking up, like,\nthree parking spaces.\n\n(Jerry moves over, making room for George to sit)\n\nELAINE\nOh, (Laughs at George's misfortune)\nthat's mine.\n\nGEORGE\nYou have a car?\n\nELAINE\nWell, my friend, Alyse, lent it to me\nfor the week. She's out of town.\n\nJERRY\n(Noting) You know, I've never seen you\ndrive.\n\nGEORGE\nMe either.\n\n(David and Beth Lookner, on their way out, approach the booth)\n\nBETH\n(Unsure as to whether it's him or not)\nJerry? Elaine, Hi!\n\nELAINE\n(Overly generous) Hi, David!\n\nJERRY\nHi, Beth!\n\nBETH\nOh, uh, George, (Introducing to two)\nthis is my husband, David.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, hi.. (They shake hands)\n\nDAVID\nHello. So, George, uh, you're the one\nwho works for the Yankees, right?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Why, what do you do?\n\nDAVID\nWell, I sell insurance, but Beth used\nto be Don Mattingly's doctor.\n\nGEORGE\nReally?\n\nBETH\nMm-hm.\n\nDAVID\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\n(Laughs slightly) A physician married\nto a salesman. (Chuckles) Well, I gotta\ntell you, Beth, you coulda done a lot\nbetter than him.\n\n(George and Elaine both laugh out loud. Beth and David look at\neach other, taking in the awkward moment)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Jerry's in the kitchen. Kramer slides in, followed by Mickey.\nMickey's reading a script)\n\nKRAMER\nHey!\n\nJERRY\nHey. Hey, Mickey. What's going on?\n\nMICKEY\nI'm very nervous. I'm auditioning to\nbe in the Actor's Studio tonight.\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's a method, Jerry. It's intense.\n(Clicks his tongue)\n\nMICKEY\nKramer's going to be my scene partner.\n\nJERRY\nKramer?\n\nMICKEY\nHe doesn't have to say anything, he\njust has to sit there. I'm playing a\ndetective.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, and I'm playing a business man\naccused of murder.\n\nJERRY\nOhh boy. Well, I gotta meet Elaine and\nrun some errands. So.. (Goes for his\ncoat)\n\nKRAMER\n(Fixing up his pants) Yeah.. look at\nthis, Mickey. These pants are fallin'\napart, huh?\n\nJERRY\n(Fishing for his keys in a kitchen drawer)\nYou know, when I first met you, Kramer,\nyou used to wear jeans all the time.\n\nKRAMER\n(Looking over Mickey's shoulder at the\nscript) Yeah, well, I was a different\nman then.\n\nJERRY\n(Jokingly playing off Kramer's statement)\nWith a different body.\n\nKRAMER\n(Slightly offended) Hey, I got the body\nof a.. taught, pre-teen, Swedish boy.\n\n(Mickey visibly rolls his eyes)\n\nJERRY\nEhh, I dunno..\n\nKRAMER\nNow, what are you thinkin'? (Getting\nupset) You think that I'm not able to\nwear jeans anymore? Is that what you're\nsayin'? Because if that's what you're\n\nsayin', Jerry, I'll go and I'll buy some jeans. (Jerry shrugs.\nKramer raises his voice to a menacing tone) I swear to God I\nwill! (Jerry's showing off a skeptical face.\n\nKramer points a finger at him) Don't think I won't, Jerry!\n\n(Elaine's car)\n\n(Elaine is obviously an incredibly bad driver. Jerry, in the\npassenger's seat, looks car sick)\n\nELAINE\nGod, it is so great to drive again.\nI miss it so much! (Suddenly swerves\nto the right, then yells out of her\nwindow) How about a left turn signal,\nya moron?!\n\n(Looks ahead, then breaks suddenly) Woah..\n\nJERRY\n(His thoughts) I'm so nauseous. She's\nthe worst driver.\n\nELAINE\nYou know what? On my first road test,\nI hit a dog. (Jerry nods, blinking)\nI think it was a golden retriever. No,\nno, no, it was a - it was a yellow lab.\n(Picks\n\nup the car phone) I'm gonna check my messages. (Begins to dial\nas she pulls up to a pedestrian crosswalk. She stops right before\nhitting a man crossing the street)\n\nMAN\nHey!\n\nJERRY\n(Once again, the audience hears his\nthoughts) I'm so car sick. I'm gonna\nvomit!\n\n(Elaine's expression changes as she's listening to her messages)\n\nELAINE\nOh my God! Jerry! My friend, Kim called\n- David and Beth got separated last\nnight!\n\nJERRY\n(Out of it) Huh?\n\nELAINE\nThey're gettin' divorced! (Quickly breaks,\nstopping traffic)\n\n(Monk's coffee shop)\n\n(Elaine and Jerry sitting across from each other in a booth)\n\nELAINE\nSo, now, what is our move? What do we\ndo?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, but we don't have much\ntime.\n\nELAINE\n(Agreeing) Mm.\n\nJERRY\nThe city's probably teeming with people\nwho've been waiting out that marriage.\n\nELAINE\nRight.\n\nJERRY\nIt's like when someone dies in a rent\ncontrolled building - you gotta take\nimmediate action.\n\nELAINE\nYeeah, but David and Beth are going\nto need their grieving time.\n\nJERRY\nTheir grieving time is a luxury I can't\nafford. I'm calling Beth tonight, and\nif you want a clean shot at David, I\nsuggest you do likewise.\n\nELAINE\n(Nodding) Yeah, yeah..\n\nJERRY\nBut we gotta make it seem like we're\nnot calling for dates.\n\nELAINE\nThen why are we calling?\n\nJERRY\nGood question. (More to himself than\nto Elaine) Why are we calling?\n\n(Both start chanting \"why are we calling..\", thinking deeply)\n\nELAINE\n(Loud) Oh! (Jerry has a surprised look)\nI've got it! I've got it! We're calling\njust to say, \"I'm there for you.\"\n\nJERRY\n(Nodding, trying it out) \"I'm there\nfor you.\"\n\nELAINE\nThen, after a period of being \"there\nfor you\", we slowly remove the two words\n\"for you\", and we're just (Makes a \"ta-da!\"\ngesture) \"there\".\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(George enters)\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey, remember Beth and David from yesterday?\nThey got separated.\n\nGEORGE\nReally? (Realizes) Well, you don't think\nit had anything to do with what I said,\ndo you?\n\nJERRY\nWhat'd you say?\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, that, that thing about her\nbeing too good for him. I mean, I was\njust bein' folksy. They could tell I\nwas just being folksy..?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I thought you were being folksy.\n\nGEORGE\nTotally folksy.\n\n(Kramer enters wearing a new pair of jeans. They're obviously\nway too small. Unable to bend his knees, he walks awkwardly into\nthe room. Elaine, Jerry, and\n\nGeorge are speechless - staring at him. Kramer walks past them,\nand attempts to pick a magazine off the table, but does so with\ngreat difficulty. Jerry starts to laugh\n\nas Kramer throws the magazine back down)\n\nJERRY\nhey, uh.. (Kramer walks around a little)\nwhat'd you get there?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, yeah, I bought Dungarees.\n\nELAINE\nKramer, they're painted on!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, they're slim-fit.\n\nJERRY\nSlim-fit?\n\nKRAMER\n(Talking fast) Yeah, they're streamlined.\n\nJERRY\nYou're walkin' like Frankenstein!\n\nKRAMER\n(Making his way toward the door) What?\nThey just gotta be worked in a little\nbit, that's all. (Pulling the door shut\nbehind him) Alright, see you later.\n\n(Everyone stares after him)\n\n(Elaine's apartment)\n\n(Sitting up on her bed, she's on the phone with David Lookner)\n\nELAINE\n(Mock sympathy) Well.. David, it happens.\n\n(Scene cuts to Jerry - he's on the phone with Beth)\n\nJERRY\nSure, Beth, these things happen. (Brief\npause) So, have you told many.. people\nyet?\n\n(Scene jumps back to Elaine)\n\nELAINE\nBecause it's really nobody's business.\n\n(Back to Jerry)\n\nJERRY\nAnyway, I just called to tell you that,\nI'm there for you.\n\n(Cut back to Elaine)\n\nELAINE\n\"There\" is, um.. anywhere you want me\nto be..\n\n(Back to Jerry)\n\nJERRY\nSure, dinner would be fine.\n\n(Back to Elaine)\n\nELAINE\nAnd I could just be there. (Adding)\nFor you.\n\n(Scene takes a final cut back to Jerry. Kramer enters, still\nin his pants, as Jerry hangs up. Kramer's frantic)\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, you gotta help me!\n\nJERRY\nWhat's wrong?\n\nKRAMER\nI can't get my pants off, and Mickey's\naudition is in twenty minutes! You know,\nI'm supposed to be a business man, I\ngotta be in costume!\n\nJERRY\nAlright, alright. Uh, undo them. I'll\nhelp you get them off.\n\nKRAMER\n(Bracing himself on a bar stool) Yeah,\nI already did it. It won't come off.\nThe zipper's suck.."
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Invitations.html",
    "text": "THE INVITATIONS\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David\n\n(Comedy club)\n\nJERRY\nI think that if the wedding invitations\nwere left up to the men, we'd just drive\naround sticking flyers in windshields\n...y' know... Not even typed up either,\njust Magic Marker, Zerox, you know...Party!!..\nWhat's needed is a divorce announcement;\nMr and Mrs Fred Johnson are requesting\nthe honour of your presence at the \"returning\"\nof their daughter back to Mr,and Mrs\nFred Johnson.\n\n(Outside Melody Stationeries)\n\nSusan and George walk into the store and go up the sales clerk.\n\nSUSAN\nHi.\n\nCLERK\nHi.. May I help you?\n\nSUSAN\nYes, we'd like some wedding invitations.\n\nCLERK\nOhh! Well...Congratulations\n\nSUSAN\n(happily) Thank you.\n\nGEORGE\n(mildly embarrassed) yeah.. Thank you.\n\nCLERK\nWhen 's the wedding?\n\nSUSAN\nJune\n\nGEORGE\nlate June.\n\nCLERK\nOh! Well, we have quite a few to pick\nfrom ( turns around and picks up a huge\nbinder)\n\nThey're arranged in order of price, the most expensive are in\nthe front.\n\nGeorge takes the binder and feigns browsing and flips right to\nthe last page.\n\nGEORGE\nHe..hmmm. humm...What about this one.\n\nCLERK\nHmmm,..to tell you the truth they haven't\nmanufactured that one for a number of\nyears.\n\nI might have couple of boxes left in our warehouse in New Jersey.\nI'd have to check.\n\nSUSAN\nOh! no. George that's so ugly we don't\nwant that.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's the difference you just read\nit and mail it right back. These we'll\ndo.\n\nSUSAN\nWhy don't they make'em anymore?\n\nCLERK\nWell.. For one thing the glue isn't\nvery adhesive. It takes a lot of moisture\nto make them stick.\n\nGEORGE\nSo we pick up some Elmers\n\nSUSAN\n(disappointed)All right. You see what\nI do for you.\n\nScene cuts to the street as Susan and George are about to get\ninto a cab. Kramer happens to walk by.\n\nGEORGE\nHey! Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nHey! George.....Lily..\n\nSUSAN\nNo. Susan.\n\nKRAMER\nNo. No It's Lily\n\nSUSAN\nI think I know my own name.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's Susan\n\nKRAMER\n(lost for words) Well you look like\na Lily...\n\nScene cuts to Jerry's apt. George walks in . Jerry is coming\nout of his bedroom twiddling scissors.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's coming Jerry, it's coming.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's coming?\n\nGEORGE\nThe Day..\n\nJERRY\nAhhh...The Day..\n\nGEORGE\nWe ordered the wedding invitations today,,\nNothing can stop it now. Nothing. It's\nhere! It's\n\nhappening. Can I do this? I can't do this...Look at me. Look\nat me I can't do this, I can't do this (manic)\n\nHelp me Jerry, help me.\n\nJERRY\nwhy don't you just break it off with\nher. tell her it's over\n\nGEORGE\nI can't\n\nJERRY\nWhy not?\n\nGeorge; 'Cause I can't face that scene. You know what kind of\nscene that would be? i'd rather be unhappy\n\nfor the rest of my life than go through something like that.\n(forceful) I CAN'T, I CAN'T.\n\nI tried to psyche myself up a million times I cannot go through\nthat.\n\nJERRY\nAll right take it easy, just take it\neasy.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about a letter?\n\nJERRY\nA letter.\n\nGEORGE\nI...I...write a letter and then I..I\ngo to China. I disappear in a sea of\npeople for like\n\nsix months, a year you know just while things simmer down. Ehm..\nEhm...Dear Susan. I'm sorry.\n\nI made a terrible mistake. I'm really, really sorry.\n\nJERRY\nThat's it?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat? Too short?\n\nBOTH\nSeems a little short, yeah..\n\nJERRY\nYou can't go to China What about your\njob?\n\nGEORGE\nMy Job..arghhh\n\nJERRY\nSo write a letter.. move to another...move\nto Staten Island., 'lot easier to blend\nin a sea of people in\n\nStaten Island than China believe me.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah! Yeah!..Staten Island . What about\nmy clothes,how do I get the rest of\nthe clothes?\n\nJERRY\nAagh! You come back for your clothes\n\nGEORGE\nI'm not going back in there.\n\nJERRY\nSo forget about your clothes.\n\nGEORGE\nWell I'm not starting up a whole new\nwardrobe now!!!\n\nJerry; Look, freedom with no clothes is a lot better than no\nfreedom with clothes.\n\nGEORGE\nIf she'd just take a plane somewhere.\n\nJERRY\nAnd what, hope for a crash?\n\nGEORGE\nIt happens.\n\nJERRY\nYou know what the odds are on a crash\nit's a million to one.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's something . It's hope.\n\nElaine comes through the door\n\nELAINE\nHey!...( sees George) HEY!! Georgie.\nYou know what I just realized; the wedding\nis like a month\n\naway.ha..haa..\n\nJERRY\nEuhh...Elaine....\n\nELAINE\nWhat?...Oh! by the way. What am I going\nto be in the wedding party?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat do you mean?\n\nELAINE\nWell Jerry's gonna be the best man and\nKramer's gonna be the usher so what\nam I gonna be?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know. I don't think you're anything.\n\nELAINE\nWel...I have to be something. I 'm a\nclose friend....What about being a bridesmaid.\n\nGEORGE\nThose are Susan's friends.\n\nELAINE\nWell then...aaahh how about being an\nusher?\n\nGEORGE\nWell...I'll ask Susan about it later.\n\nELAINE\nYou don't ask.. You tell.\n\nGEORGE\n( to Jerry) What about the letter, should\nI think about the letter?\n\nJERRY\nHey Elaine if a guy wanted to end a\nrelationship with you . What could he\ndo?\n\nELAINE\nStart smoking.\n\nGEORGE\nSmoking.\n\nJERRY\nDoes she hate cigarettes?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, she hates cigarettes.\n\nJERRY\nBut you don't smoke.\n\nGEORGE\nNooooooo......\n\nScene cuts to Jerry and Elaine walking\n\nJERRY\nYou know, I think I'm getting a little\ndepressed about George's wedding.\n\nELAINE\nReally?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Well once he gets married that's\nit, she'll probably get pregnant, they'll\nmove to Westchester.\n\nI'll never see him again.\n\nELAINE\nYeah! You're probably right.\n\nJERRY\nThen it'll just be me, you and Kramer.\n\nELAINE\nNo! Not me pal. I can't keep this up\nmuch longer. I'm sick of being single.\n\nI'm getting out.\n\nJERRY\nSo it's just gonna be me and Kramer.\n\nELAINE\nYep! just you and Kramer.\n\nElaine walks away\n\nJERRY\nSee you ... me and Kramer...\n\nDaydreaming sequence set in Jerry's apt. in a probable future.\nKramer pops in. They look a\n\nlittle older.\n\nKRAMER\nHey!! Buddy. I thought of a great invention\nfor driving. A periscope in a car, so\nyou can see\n\nthe traffic.\n\nJERRY\n(annoyed) How you gonna drive when looking\nthrough a periscope? Besides it's not\na submarine\n\nand there's no room for a periscope in a car.\n\nKRAMER\nHuh! You make a higher roof.\n\nJERRY\nThey're not making higher roofs.\n\nKRAMER\nwhy can't you make a higher roof.\n\nJERRY\nBecause it's a stupid idea. No one's\ngonna go for it. Don't you understand\nIt's stupid,stupid...\n\nAs Jerry slowly comes out of his doze he is about to cross the\nstreet as a car comes to him at high speed.\n\nJERRY\n.....Stupid, stupid.\n\nJEANNIE\nHey! Hey! Look out. (she pulls him back\nsaving his life.) OK!, Are you okay?\n\nJERRY\nYeah!.. Thanks.Oh! my god you saved\nmy life.\n\nJEANNIE\nShouldn't there be some kind of reward\nfor that.\n\nJERRY\noh! thank you.\n\nJEANNIE\nYou know you should be a lot more careful\ncrossing the street like that, otherwise\nyou could die..\n\nIf that bothers you.\n\nJERRY\nWell I...\n\nJEANNIE\nYou see..(points to his collar) To me\nthis is a waste.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nJEANNIE\nThe shirt you got on under your sweather.It\nsits for three weeks in your drawer,\nwaiting to come\n\nout. and when it finally does . It sticks up only half an inch\nout of your collar.\n\nJERRY\nI'm Jerry Seinfeld.\n\nJEANNIE\nJeannie Steinman.\n\nJERRY\nHey! Same initials . How do you like\nthat?\n\nJEANNIE\nI like it.\n\nGeorge and Susan at their apt.\n\nGEORGE\nListen I was talking to Elaine today\nand she said she'd would really like\nto be an usher at the\n\nwedding\n\nSUSAN\nNo. Out of the question. I don't want\nany women ushers at my wedding and while\nwe're on the\n\nsubject, Kramer is not an usher either.\n\nGeorge; Why not?\n\nSUSAN\nHe doesn't even know my name.\n\nGEORGE\nThat was an honest mistake.\n\nSUSAN\nNah! He's too weird he'd fall or something.\nHe'd ruin the whole ceremony.\n\nGeorge takes out a pack of cigarettes and pulls one out.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah! You're right.. You're probably\nright.\n\nSUSAN\nWhadda doing?\n\nGEORGE\n(shrugs and lights it up)\n\nSUSAN\nSince when do you smoke?\n\nGEORGE\n(coughs) I've always smoked.\n\nSUSAN\nI've never seen you smoke.\n\nGEORGE\nOh yeeah.. well, Big smoker... I (coughs\nsome more) gave it up for a while but\nit was too tough.\n\nY' know.....I got no will power.\n\nSUSAN\nI don't like this one bit.\n\nGEORGE\nWell(coughs) I can't stop now...(coughs)\nI'm addicted...(words missing)\n\nSUSAN\nWell you are gonna have to quit.\n\nGeorge sprints to the bathroom\n\nGEORGE\nOh my god....\n\nAt Monks.\n\nWAITRESS\nMenus?\n\nJERRY\nNo. I know what I want.\n\nWAITRESS\nThe usual?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.,\n\nWAITRESS\nAnd for you?\n\nJEANNIE\nI'll have a bowl of Cheerios, not to\nmuch milk.\n\nWAITRESS\nOk Two bowls of Cheerios.\n\nJEANNIE\nYou too.?...\n\nJERRY\nYeah!!!\n\nAt Jerry's. Kramer comes in Jerry is on the couch.\n\nKRAMER\nHey! Did you hear the bank on the corner\nis offering a 100 dollars if you go\nin there and they\n\ndon't greet you with a hello?\n\nJERRY\nUh! Really .That's nice.\n\nKRAMER\nNow what's with you?\n\nJERRY\nI think I'm in love.\n\nKRAMER\nOh. Come on.\n\nJERRY\nNo it's true. This woman saved my life.\nI was crossing the street .I was almost\nhit by a car...and then\n\nwe talked and.......the whole thing just seemed like a dream.\n\nKRAMER\nIf a guy saved your life you'd be in\nlove with him too.\n\nJERRY\nNo, no this woman is different, she's\nincredible. she's just like me. She\ntalks like me, she acts like me.\n\nShe even ordered cereal at a restaurant. We even have the same\ninitials. Wait a minute, I just realised\n\nwhat's going on.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nNow I know what I've been looking for\nall these years......myself! (Kramer\nis speechless)\n\nI've been waiting for me to come along and now I 've swept myself\noff my feet.\n\nKRAMER\nYou stop it man.. you're FREAKING ME\nOUT!!!\n\nAt the HOME FEDERAL SAVINGS BANK Kramer walks up to a teller.\n\nKRAMER\nHey!\n\nTELLER\nHey!\n\nKRAMER\nHey! wait a second. You didn't say hello.\n\nTELLER\nYes I did\n\nKRAMER\nNo no you didn't ...Hundred dollars..\nI get a hundred dollars.\n\nTELLER\nNo, No I said Hello.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, No You said Hey!\n\nTELLER\nWell.. Hey! is Hello, same thing.\n\nKramer; The add said that the bank's gonna pay a hundred dollars\nif you are not greeted with a hello\n\nTELLER\nYou're taking that much to literally.\nNow sir, do you have any business to\ntransact.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, I want to speak to the manager.\n\nTELLER\nWell, He's not here right now.\n\nKRAMER\nThen I'll be back.\n\nIn Jerry's hallway\n\nELAINE\nSo I'm not gonna be an usher?\n\nGEORGE\nNo..\n\nELAINE\nSo I'm nothing. Jerry is best man,\nKramer is an usher and I am nothing.\n\nGEORGE\nWell Kramer's not an usher anymore.\n\nKramer; What are you talking about?\n\nGEORGE\nYou've been demoted.\n\nKramer; Why?\n\nGEORGE\nBecause you called her by the wrong\nname.\n\nKRAMER\nBut she really looks like a Lily\n\nELAINE\nJerry ( as they come into the apt.)\nJerry, Susan says I can't be an usher\nat he wedding.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. me neither.\n\nJERRY\n(shrugs) Hey George I think I want to\nbring a date to the wedding\n\nGEORGE\nWho!!?\n\nJERRY\nI just met her, she's incredible.\n\nELAINE\nAaawh...This is GREAT!!.....Now I'm\ngonna be stuck at the singles table\nwith all the losers.\n\nJERRY\nYou can go with Kramer\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no no no no. Weddings are a great\nplace to meet chicks. I have to be unfettered.\n\nGEORGE\nDo you see what this is turning in to?\nDo I need this. I have to get out of\nthis thing.\n\nELAINE\nDid you try the cigarettes?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.. They made me sick.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, All right. Lets get down\nhere. You really want to get out of\nthis thing ?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah...\n\nKRAMER\nAll right. I got two words for you;\nPre-Nup.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat does that mean?\n\nKRAMER\nAsk her to sign a pre-nup.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat does that do?\n\nKRAMER\nBecause most women when they're asked\nto sign a pre-nup are so offended they\nback out of the marriage.\n\nGEORGE\nThey are?... Elaine?\n\nELAINE\nI wouldn't sign one.\n\nGEORGE\nPre-nup of course ..Kramer....\n\nKRAMER\nGet out of here.\n\nGeorge and Susan at their apt.\n\nGEORGE\nHi.\n\nSUSAN\nHi. Hey I've been going over the list\n.What about The Drake? Wanna invite\nhim?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Got to invite The Drake. Listen\nhem...there's something that's been\non my mind and\n\nwe haven't really talked about it..I t's kind of important to\nme.\n\nSUSAN\nWhat is it?\n\nGEORGE\nWell I I ..put a lot of thought into\nthis and I think I would like you to\nsign a prenuptual agreement.\n\nSUSAN\nA pre-nup?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nSUSAN\n(burst out laughing)\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's so funny?\n\nSUSAN\nHa.Ha.Ha. ha...You don't have any money.\nI make more money than you do. ha. ha.\nha.\n\nYeah.. give me the papers I'll sign 'em.( she leaves) a pre-nup...\n\nCheesy scenes of Jerry and Jeannie enjoying each other in the\npark, at the grocery store, comparing\n\ncomic books and making out. Interrupted by Kramer as he slams\ninto Jerry's locked door.\n\nJERRY\nExcuse me.( gets up and opens the door)\n\nKRAMER\nJerry.... hey Jeannie.\n\nJEANNIE\nHello.\n\nKRAMER\nRemember I told you about the bank?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah well I went in there and they said\nHey!\n\nJERRY\nHey is the same thing as hello. What\ndo you think Jeannie.\n\nJEANNIE\nYeah I think it's the same thing.\n\nKRAMER\nOh! Big surprise ( he leaves frustrated)\n\nScene takes us to George's again. We hear a buzzer.\n\nDELIVERY MAN\nDelivery from Melody Stationaries.\n\nSUSAN\nOh those are the invitations.\n\nDELIVERY MAN\nJust sign there.\n\nSUSAN\nyeah! Thank you.\n\nGEORGE\nSee ya later.\n\nSUSAN\nUrgh.. these are so cheap. (as George\nleaves) And don't forget tommorrow we're\n\ngoing shopping for some rings, so don't make any plans...and\nthis time we're not skimping.\n\nTo Jerry's again\n\nKRAMER\nHey\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nJeannie left?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, she's coming to see my act tonight.\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah! Well that's nice. I'm sure\nthat's right up her alley.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's with you?\n\nKRAMER\nNothin'\n\nJERRY\nSomething on your mind?\n\nKRAMER\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nLooks like there is?\n\nKRAMER\nNo\n\nJERRY\nCome on. Something's on your mind. Out\nwith it.\n\nKRAMER\nI don't like her.\n\nJERRY\nYou don't like her?\n\nKRAMER\nThat's right I don't like, I never\nlike her from the get-go.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's wrong with her?\n\nKRAMER\nEverything she thinks. you think. Everything\nyou think she thinks. No I can't take\nit.\n\nI can't take it Jerry. It's too much. It's too much.\n\nJERRY\nWell you can't take her maybe you can't\ntake me either.\n\nKRAMER\nSo THAT's how it's going to be\n\nJERRY\nThat's how it's gonna be.\n\nKRAMER\nOH! GOD HELP US!!!\n\nSusan licking envelopes\n\nSUSAN\nEurk.. Awful\n\nJerry at the pier watching lovers and families considering his\nfuture and we get another look\n\nat Susan licking her envelopes, getting nauseous.\n\nBack to the Federal Home Savings Bank\n\nMANAGER\nMay i help you?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. uh..I was in here the other day\nand I went up to that teller and he\ndidn't say hello.\n\nMANAGER\nThen you are entitled to a hundred dollars.\nThat's our policy.\n\nKRAMER\nyeah., but he wouldn't give me the money.\n\nMANAGER\nHehummm.. JIM...Can I see you for a\nsecond\n\nJIM\nUh.. yes can you give me a minute.\n\nManager; Yea....hum......He'll be. hum.. right over.(awkward\npause)\n\nKRAMER\n(knocks on desk) Is thi oak?\n\nMANAGER\n'think it's pine.\n\nKRAMER\nPine is good.\n\nMANAGER\nYeah. pine's okay.\n\nJim the teller walks over\n\nJIM\nYou want to see me\n\nMANAGER\nYeah... Hum..Jim, a man here says came\nin the other day, you didn't say hello?\n\nJIM\nNo,No that's not true, I said Hey!\nyou know like a friendly greeting, Hey!\n\nKRAMER\nBut that's not Hello.\n\nMANAGER\nThat's a tough one.\n\nKRAMER\nUhummm...\n\nMANAGER\nYou know what, let me bring some other\npeople in on this...Barbara,Jane,\nMike Can I see you please.\n\nBARBARA\nHow you doin'?\n\nJANE\nWhat's happening?\n\nMIKE\nWhat's up?\n\nMANAGER\n( to kramer) Can you excuse us for one\nminute . Just one minute.\n\nKramer gets up a little confused and walks away.\n\nMANAGER\nThanks.( they huddle)\n\nSOME GUY\nHow's it going?\n\nMANAGER\nThanks, thanks everybody.( they leave)\nSir, have a seat.\n\nMANAGER\nWell, we've discussed this, here's\nthe feeling. You got a greeting starts\nwith an H how's twenty bucks sound.\n\nKRAMER\nI'll take it.\n\nMANAGER\nawright sir ( they shake hands)\n\nScene cuts to the Improv as Jerry walks into the club and sees\nJeannie sitting at a table\n\nJERRY\nWill you marry me?\n\nSusan licks her last envelope and collapses. George is walking\ndown a street looking depressed.\n\nWe go back to the Improv.\n\nJERRY\nI would like to propose a toast....Wait\na second.. George!, George Costanza\ncome in here.\n\nJEANNIE\nGeorgie boy..\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, big news; I'm getting married!!\n\nGEORGE\nMarried, What!(astounded)\n\nJERRY\nSeptember 21st, first day of Autumn.\nLeaves changing colours.. Beautiful\ncolors.\n\nJEANNIE\n... all that crap.\n\nJERRY\nYou see, I kept up my end of the pact.\n\nGEORGE\nGood for you (sympathetic)\n\nJERRY\nHey look, Champagne..\n\nGEORGE\nHehehe. .(feebly)\n\nJERRY\nTo our future wives....yeah...\n\nGeorge returns home only to find..... Scene then cuts to Monks\nwith Jerry and Jeannie arriving.\n\nJERRY\nWell it's been quite a night I could\nsure use a cup of coffee.\n\nJEANNIE\nHey! what's the deal with decaf; how\ndo they get the caffeine out of there\nand then\n\nwhere does it go?\n\nJERRY\n(weakly) I dunno\n\nA guy suddenly gets up to leave then falls on the ground.\n\nJEANNIE\nThat's a shame..\n\nJERRY\n(to waitress) I' ll just have a cup\nof coffee.\n\nJEANNIE\nBowl of Corn flakes.\n\nJERRY\nMore cereals? that's your third bowl\ntoday, you had it for breakfast and\nlunch.\n\nJEANNIE\nHey! So what's the deal with brunch\n, I mean that if it's a combination\nof breakfast and lunch.\n\nHow comes there's no lupper or no linner.\n\nBack to Jerry's, Kramer comes in..\n\nKRAMER\nHey!! Frank just called me. Congratulations.\n\nJERRY\nThanks, thanks\n\nKRAMER\nLook I'm sorry about before....I mean\nI'm sure I'll learn to like her, Jerry\n\nJERRY\nYeah, yeah .\n\nKRAMER\nC'mon, c'mon what's the matter?\n\nJERRY\nI think I may have made a big mistake.\n\nKRAMER\nOh! Come on.\n\nJERRY\nAll of a sudden it hit me, I realized\nwhat the problem is; I can't be with\nsomeone like me..\n\nI hate myself!! If anything I need to get the exact opposite\nof me....It's too much. .It's too Much\n\nI can't take it ...I can't take it!!!\n\nKRAMER\n(mocking) Too bad you got engaged.\n\nJERRY\nYeah! Too bad.\n\nPhone rings, Jerry picks it up.\n\nJERRY\nHello. Oh! Hi George.......What! ..really!\nAll right I'll call Elaine, we'll meet\nyou down there.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat happened?\n\nJERRY\nThey just took Susan to the Hospital\n\nAt the hospital.\n\nJERRY\nSo she was just lying there.\n\nGEORGE\nTsss...Yeah..\n\nELAINE\nI wonder what happened?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know....hmmm ha! here's the\ndoctor.\n\nDOCTOR\nExcuse me, Are you the husband?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, not yet.. Fianc\u00e9.\n\nDOCTOR\nWell, I'm sorry.....She's gone.\n\nGEORGE\n.........What's that?...\n\nDOCTOR\nShe expired.\n\nGEORGE\n...Are you sure?\n\nDOCTOR\nYes, of course.\n\nGEORGE\nSo.....She's dead?\n\nDOCTOR\nYes\n\nGEORGE\n...Huh!\n\nDOCTOR\nLet me ask you ; Had she been exposed\nto any kind of inexpensive glue?\n\nGEORGE\n...Why?\n\nDOCTOR\nWe found traces of a certain toxic adhesive\ncommonly found in very low priced envelopes.\n\nGEORGE\nWell she was sending out our wedding\ninvitations.\n\nDOCTOR\nThat's probably what did it.\n\nGEORGE\nWe were expecting about two hundred\npeople...Well...Thank you, thank you.\n\nDoctor leaves, George returns to the others\n\nGEORGE\nShe's ahem....gone\n\nJERRY\nDead?\n\nELAINE\nI'm so sorry George\n\nJERRY\nYeah! me too\n\nKRAMER\nPoor Lily..\n\nJERRY\nHow did it happen?\n\nGEORGE\nApparently the glue in the wedding invitations\nwas a....toxic.\n\nALL\nAah!..\n\nKRAMER\nWell that's weird\n\nJERRY\nSo I guess, you're not getting married?\n\nGEORGE\n(embarrassed with a touch of unrestrained\njubilation) Yes.\n\nJERRY\nBut....\n\nGEORGE\nYeah?\n\nJERRY\nWell, now I'm engaged..\n\nGEORGE\nYeah?...\n\nJERRY\nWell I thought we'd both be getting\nmarried.\n\nGEORGE\nHey!.. What can I tell ya.\n\nELAINE\nAll right. (they start to leave except\nJerry)\n\nGEORGE\nwell humm.. lets get some coffee.\n\nJERRY\nWE HAD A PACT!!!\n\n(George at home on the phone)\n\nGEORGE\nYes I'd like to speak to Marisa Tomei,\nplease? Marisa, Hi it's George Costanza..\nI'm the short, funny, quirky bald man\nyou met a little while ago, heh! yeah\nI was just calling 'cos I wanted you\nto know that I'm not engaged anymore......well\nhuh, She died....Toxic glue from the\nwedding invitations.....well we were\nexpecting about two hundred people.\nYeah... Anyway.. hum I got the funeral\ntomorrow but huh.. my weekend is pretty\nwide open and I was wondering... (dial\ntone interrupts George)..... Hello...Hello..\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Foundation.html",
    "text": "THE FOUNDATION\n\nWritten by\n\nAlec Berg & Jeff Schaffer\n\nThe cemetery. Jerry, George, and the Rosses are standing in front\nof Susan's tombstone, which reads \"Susan Biddle Ross, June 8,\n1964 - May 19, 1996.\")\n\nGEORGE\nWell... it's a magnificent stone.\n\nMR. ROSS\nThey put it up this morning.\n\n(pause.)\n\nGEORGE\nIt's just a magnificent stone. (turns\nto Jerry) Jerry?\n\n(Jerry, obviously uncomfortable, turns slowly and shrugs his\nshoulders at George.)\n\nMRS. ROSS\nGeorge... we'll leave you alone with\nher.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nMRS. ROSS\nI'm sure there are things you'd like\nto say.\n\n(She pats his shoulder, and then she and her husband leave Jerry\nand George alone with Susan.)\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I-I-I-I'm good. Really.\n\n(Jerry turns around to follow the Rosses.)\n\nGEORGE\nJerry...\n\n(He tries to keep Jerry there, but Jerry jerks away. George then\nturns to Susan's stone nervously, trying to think of where to\nbegin. Meanwhile, Mrs. Ross offers Jerry an alcoholic beverage\nof some sort.)\n\nJERRY\nThank you, no.\n\n(She continues drinking.)\n\nGEORGE\n(to Susan's stone) ...And then, right\nafter the All-Star Break, we, we just\nswept the Orioles. Four games. In Baltimore.\n(adjusts necktie nervously) So... yeah.\n\nJerry's apartment.)\n\nGEORGE\nBoy, that was awkward!\n\nJERRY\nI don't mind the cemetery.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat were you saying to the Rosses over\nthere, anyway?\n\nJERRY\nOh, I don't know. I told them her death\ntakes place in the shadow of new life.\nShe's not really dead if we find a way\nto remember her.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat is that?\n\nJERRY\nStar Trek II.\n\nGEORGE\n(identifying it) Wrath of Khan!\n\nJERRY\nRight. Kramer and I saw it last night.\nSpock dies, they wrap him up in a towel,\nand they shoot him out the bowel of\nthe ship in that big sunglasses case.\n\nGEORGE\nThat was a hell of a thing when Spock\ndied...\n\nJERRY\nYeah...\n\n(For a brief moment, the two become overwhelmed with emotion.)\n\nGEORGE\nWell anyway, the, uh... the stone is\nup, I paid my respects, guess that's\nit.\n\nJERRY\nSo it's over?\n\nGEORGE\nI have mourned for three long months!\nSummer months, too! Anybody could grieve\nin January! It's time for George to\nstart being George again.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, so uh, let's do something\nlater. How 'bout a movie?\n\nGEORGE\nYes! Nothing says George like a movie!\n\n(Kramer enters as George is leaving.)\n\nKRAMER\nMovie?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, you in?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, no, I can't. I got my martial\narts class.\n\nGEORGE\nGeorge is going to the movies! (exits)\n\nJERRY\n(to Kramer) So how's your karate class\ngoing?\n\nKRAMER\n(pronouncing it \"kar-ah-tay\") Karate,\nJerry. Karate. The lifetime pursuit\nof balance and harmony.\n\nJERRY\n...But with punching and kicking.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, karate is not here (pointing\nto the ground). It's here (points to\nhead), and here (points to chest), and\nhere (makes a circle with his hands).\n\nJERRY\nAlright, I gotta go to the airport to\npick up Elaine.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat, she's been away?\n\nJERRY\nShe's been in Mexico for six weeks.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, I really think you're wrong. We\njust went to the fireworks the other\nday.\n\nJERRY\nThat was July 4th!\n\n(Kramer pauses to think.)\n\nJERRY\nAlright, I'm outta here, and when I\nget back, I don't want to see you here\n(points to kitchen), here (points to\nliving room), or here (makes similar\ncircle with his hands).\n\nThe coffee shop.)\n\nELAINE\nIt was unbelievable. Six weeks of traveling\nthrough Mexico all on Peterman's peso.\n\nJERRY\nWow. So did you get any good ideas for\nthe catalog?\n\nELAINE\nOh, tons!\n\nJERRY\nAnything you couldn't have gotten tearing\nopen a bag of Doritos and watching Viva\nZapata?\n\nELAINE\n(laughs sarcastically) You don't respect\nmy work at all, do you?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I don't.\n\nELAINE\nSo what's been going on around this\ndump? How's your fiancee?\n\nJERRY\nMy what?\n\nELAINE\nJeannie... your fiancee.\n\nJERRY\nOh, yeah, that. Well...\n\nELAINE\nAll right. Spill it, Jerome.\n\nJERRY\nThere's really not that much to tell.\n\n(flashback sequence of Jerry and Jeannie at the coffee shop begins\nas Jerry narrates.)\n\n\"About a month ago, we were here having lunch, when all of a\nsudden we both just blurted out...\"\n\nJERRY & JEANNIE\n(simultaneously) I hate you!\n\n(They both chuckle over the coincidence.)\n\nJEANNIE\nSee ya.\n\nJERRY\nSee ya.\n\n(Jeannie returns her ring to Jerry, who puts it in his pocket.)\n\n\"It was unprecendented. I mean, it was the first truly mutual\nbreakup in relationship history.\"\n\n(flashback ends.)\n\nJERRY\n(continuing) No rejection, no guilt,\nno remorse.\n\nELAINE\nYou've never felt remorse.\n\nJERRY\nI know, I feel bad about that...\n\nELAINE\nI bet your parents were upset, huh?\n\nJERRY\nEh.\n\nELAINE\nYou haven't told them yet, have you?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nJ. Peterman's office.)\n\nDUGAN\n\"So I pressed through the rushes, there\nbelow me, the shimmering waters of Lake\nVictoria...\"\n\nJ. PETERMAN\nOh, for the love of God, man! Just tell\nme what the product is.\n\nDUGAN\nIt's a, uh, washcloth.\n\nJ. PETERMAN\nNo washcloths!\n\nELAINE\nWell, Mr. Peterman, I've got a really\ngood idea for a hat. It combines the\nspirit of old Mexico with a little big\ncity panache. I like to call it the\nUrban Sombrero.\n\nJ. PETERMAN\n(rubbing his neck) Oh, my neck is one\ngargantuan monkey fist.\n\nELAINE\nAre you okay, Mr. Peterman?\n\nJ. PETERMAN\nYes, yes. Go on, go on, go on.\n\nELAINE\nWell, see, it's... businessmen taking\nsiestas. You know, it's the, uh, the\nUrban Sombrero.\n\n(Peterman walks out, groaning.)\n\nELAINE\nMr. Peterman?\n\nThe street.)\n\nGEORGE\n(inhales deeply) I tell you, Jerry,\nI'm feeling something. Something I haven't\nfelt in a long time.\n\nJERRY\nPride?\n\nGEORGE\nNo. Autonomy, complete and total autonomy.\n\nJERRY\nWell, you're your own boss now.\n\nGEORGE\nI wanna go to a tractor pull.\n\nJERRY\nGo ahead.\n\nGEORGE\nI am staying out all night!\n\nJERRY\nWho's stopping you?\n\nGEORGE\nI wanna bite into a big hunk of cheese,\njust bite into it like it's an apple.\n\nJERRY\nWhatever.\n\n(Jerry sees someone he knows.)\n\nJERRY\nOh God.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nIt's Dolores.\n\nGEORGE\nWho?\n\nJERRY\nMulva.\n\n(Dolores notices Jerry.)\n\nDOLORES\nJerry, hi.\n\nJERRY\nHi, Dolores. George, you remember Dolores?\n\nGEORGE\nDolores!\n\nDOLORES\nHi. (to Jerry) I heard you got engaged.\n\nJERRY\nYes, Dolores, I did. It didn't work\nout, though, Dolores.\n\nDOLORES\nOh, that's too bad. You know... we should\nget together sometime. See ya.\n\nJERRY\nSee ya.\n\nGEORGE\nBye, Dolores.\n\n(Dolores walks away.)\n\nGEORGE\nI thought Mulva hated you.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, so did I. You know what? I bet\nit was the engagement. I've shown I\ncan go all the way.\n\nGEORGE\nAll the way?\n\nJERRY\nNot our \"all the way\", their \"all the\nway.\" I got the stink of responsibility\non me.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, and you were engaged for like\na minute, I was engaged for a year.\n\nJERRY\nYou stink worse than I do!\n\nGEORGE\nI'm feeling something else here, Jerry!\n\nJ. Peterman's office.)\n\nSECRETARY\nElaine, it's Mr. Peterman on the phone.\n\nELAINE\n(answers the phone) Hello, Mr. Peterman,\nhow are you feeling?\n\nJ. PETERMAN\nElaine, I'll be blunt. I'm burnt out.\nI'm fried. My mind is as barren as the\nsurface of the moon. I can run that\ncatalog no longer.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? Well, who's gonna do it?\n\nJ. PETERMAN\nWhat about you?\n\nELAINE\nMe? Why me?\n\nJ. PETERMAN\nWhy, indeed.\n\nELAINE\nMr. Peterman, you can't leave.\n\nJ. PETERMAN\nI've already left, Elaine. I'm in Burma.\n\nELAINE\nBurma?\n\nJ. PETERMAN\nYou most likely know it as Myanmar,\nbut it will always be Burma to me. Bonne\nchance, Elaine. (to a passerby) You\nthere on the motorbike! Sell me one\nof your melons! (runs after him)\n\n(The phone is not hung up.)\n\nELAINE\nMr. Peterman?\n\nJerry's apartment.)\n\nJERRY\nWhere?\n\nELAINE\nBurma.\n\nJERRY\nIsn't it Myanmar now?\n\nELAINE\nJerry, he wants me to run the catalog!\nIt's crazy! I can't be in charge!\n\nJERRY\nNo, certainly not.\n\nELAINE\nI mean, I can't give people orders!\n\nJERRY\nNo one's gonna listen to you.\n\nELAINE\nI am not qualified to run the catalog!\n\nJERRY\nYou're not qualified to work at the\ncatalog.\n\n(Elaine groans in frustration as Kramer enters.)\n\nKRAMER\nHey. (notices Elaine) What's wrong?\n\nELAINE\nOh, Peterman ran off to Burma, and now\nhe wants me to run the catalog.\n\nKRAMER\nWhere?\n\nJERRY\nMyanmar.\n\nKRAMER\nThe discount pharmacy?\n\nELAINE\nWell, I'm just gonna tell him no. I\ncan't run the catalog.\n\nKRAMER\nWhoa, whoa. Can't? When did that word\nenter your vocabulary? What, is the\njob too difficult? (Jerry nods) What,\nyou don't have enough experience? (Jerry\nshakes his head) Oh, you're not smart\nenough? (Jerry shakes his head) Where's\nyour confidence? (Jerry shrugs his shoulders)\nLook, Elaine, let me tell you a story.\nWhen I first studied karate...\n\nELAINE\nKarate?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, karate. I had no support. Not\nfrom him, not from Newman, no one. The\nfirst time I sparred with an opponent,\nI was terrified. My legs, they were\nlike noodles. But then I looked inside,\nand I found my katra.\n\nELAINE\nKatra?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, your spirit, your, uh, being.\nThe part of you that says, \"Yes, I can!\"\n\nJERRY\nSammy Davis had it.\n\nKRAMER\nSo I listened to my katra and now (vreep)\nI'm dominating the dojo. I'm class champion.\n\nELAINE\nWell, you know, I, I have watched Peterman\nrun the company.\n\nKRAMER\nSure you have.\n\nELAINE\nI know how to do it. Pair of pants,\na stupid story, a huge markup. I can\ndo that.\n\nKRAMER\nYou follow your katra, and you can do\nanything. (leads her to the door) Now\nget out of here.\n\nELAINE\n(excitedly) Okay.\n\n(Kramer slams the door behind her.)\n\nKRAMER\nThat kid is gonna be all right.\n\nJERRY\nNo, she's not.\n\n(There's a knock at Jerry's door.)\n\nJOEY\nCome on, Kramer!\n\nKRAMER\nHey there.\n\nJOEY\nCome on. Mom's down in the car.\n\nKRAMER\nOkay, Joey.\n\n(Joey exits.)\n\nJERRY\nYou guys both have class at the same\ntime?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, we're in the same class.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you mean you're in the same\nclass?\n\nKRAMER\nHe almost beat me.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, you're fighting children?!\n\nKRAMER\nWe're all at the same skill level, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHe's nine years old! You don't need\nkarate, you can just wring his neck!\n\n(Car horn honks.)\n\nKRAMER\nI got carpool. (exits)\n\nKramer's carpool.)\n\nKRAMER\nThanks for the juice box, Mrs. Z.\n\nJOEY\nHey, could we stop for ice cream on\nthe way home, mom?\n\nMRS. ZANFINO\nMmm, I don't know...\n\n(The kids begin pleading, so Kramer joins in.)\n\nMRS. ZANFINO\nAll right.\n\nKIDS & KRAMER\nYay!\n\nJ. Peterman's office. Elaine has called in all her new employees.)\n\nDUGAN\n*You're* taking the job?\n\nELAINE\nYou got that straight. Now I want four\nnew ideas from each of you by 6:00.\nNo, make that six ideas by 4:00. All\nright, let's move, move, move, move,\nmove!\n\n(As everyone rushes out, Elaine laughs, amazed at the new power\nshe now holds.)\n\nKramer's karate class.)\n\nSENSEI\nAre you prepared for kumite?\n\nKRAMER & JOEY\nYes, sensei.\n\nSENSEI\nFight stance.\n\n(Kramer & Joey assume fight stance.)\n\nSENSEI\nHydjama! Begin!\n\n(Kramer then frantically makes several karate hand motions, intimidating\nJoey. What follows is a montage of sequences featuring Kramer\nchallenging his class. He grabs an opponent by the foot and flips\nhim over; knocks one out with a simple karate chop to the head;\nhas another turned upside down being shaken violently; drags\nanother along the floor; and chases several at once.)\n\nSENSEI\n(raising Kramer's arm) Winner!\n\n(The other kids bow their heads in disgrace.)\n\nGeorge's apartment, in a very cluttered state. George is walking\naround in nothing but boxers, humming to himself while carrying\na soda and a block of cheese. There's a knock at his door.)\n\nGEORGE\nIt's open!\n\n(As George plops onto the sofa, the Rosses enter.)\n\nGEORGE\n(surprised) Rosses.\n\nMRS. ROSS\nHello, George.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, uh... come in, come, come in.\n(frantically clears the couch of newspapers\nand crumbs)\n\nMR. ROSS\nWe, uh, tried to call, but the line\nwas busy.\n\nGEORGE\nOh. Oh. Yeah, sure. Here. Uh, sit down.\nUh, uh, cheese, there? (he grabs a suit\njacket from the desk chair and puts\nit on)\n\nMRS. ROSS\nWe know the last three months have been\nhard on you.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, yes, yes, yes. Very, very hard.\n\nMR. ROSS\nAnd they've been hard on us, too. It's\na terrible tragedy when parents outlive\ntheir children.\n\nGEORGE\nYes, I agree. I hope my parents go long\nbefore I do.\n\nMR. ROSS\nThat's why we decided to create a foundation\nto preserve Susan's memory.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, that's wonderful.\n\nMr. Ross. And, of course, we want you to be an integral part.\n\nGEORGE\nYes, inte-- h-how inte-- how integral?\n\nMR. ROSS\nYou'll be on the board of directors.\n\nGEORGE\n(feigning excitement) Great, great.\nO-Oh, oh, oh, gosh. You know, it's just...\nmy duties with the Yankees...\n\nMRS. ROSS\nDon't worry, George. The foundation\nwill revolve around your schedule. Evenings,\nweekends, whenever you have free time.\n\nGEORGE\nI can't believe this is happening.\n\nMR. ROSS\nWell, it wouldn't have without your\nfriend Jerry's inspirational words.\nHe said to us, \"She's not really dead\nif her shadow is...\" Uh, w-what was\nit, dear?\n\nMRS. ROSS\nSomething about a way, a-and a light,\nuh... ha. Who the hell knows?\n\nMR. ROSS\nWell, what's important is that your\nrelationship with Susan doesn't have\nto end.\n\nMRS. ROSS\nSo will you be sure to thank Jerry for\nus?\n\nGEORGE\n(feigning happiness) The second I see\nhim.\n\nThe coffee shop. Jerry is having lunch when George walks in.)\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nGEORGE\nHey. How's your day, good?\n\nJERRY\nActually, yeah. I'm meeting Mulva here\nin a few minutes.\n\nGEORGE\nSo uh... Wrath of Khan, huh?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Was that a beauty or what?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat was that line again? Something\nabout finding your way in a shadow?\n\nJERRY\nNo, no, no, it's... \"She's not really\ndead if we find a way to remember her.\"\n\nGEORGE\nThat's it. That's the line... (squirts\nmustard into Jerry's coffee and stirs\nit) ...that destroyed my life.\n\nJERRY\n(stares into coffee cup and looks back\nat George) Problem?\n\nGEORGE\nThe Rosses have started up a foundation,\nJerry, and I have to sit on the board\nof directors.\n\nJERRY\nHey, board of directors. Look at you!\n\nGEORGE\nYeah! Look at me! I was free and clear!\nI was living the dream! I was stripped\nto the waist, eating a block of cheese\nthe size of a car battery!\n\nJERRY\nBefore we go any further, I'd just like\nto point out how disturbing it is that\nyou equate eating a block of cheese\nwith some sort of bachelor paradise.\n\nGEORGE\nDon't you see? I'm back in.\n\nJERRY\nAll because of Wrath of Khan?\n\nGEORGE\nYes!\n\nJERRY\nWell, it was the best of those movies.\n\n(The camera is over George's head and spins around repeatedly\nas George screams.)\n\nGEORGE\nKHAN!\n\nThe foundation. George is staring intently at a painting of Susan\nas Wyck walks in.)\n\nWYCK\nGeorge.\n\n(George doesn't respond.)\n\nWYCK\nGeorge. (taps him on the shoulder)\n\nGEORGE\n(startled) Oh!\n\nWYCK\nI'm Wyck Thayer, chairman of the Susan\nRoss Foundation.\n\nGEORGE\nWink.\n\nWYCK\n(correcting him) Wyck.\n\nGEORGE\nWyck.\n\nWYCK\nNow, as you know, the Rosses had considerable\nmonies.\n\nGEORGE\nOh. I know they have some monies.\n\nWYCK\nThey had more than some monies. Many,\nmany monies. And they planned to give\na sizable portion of their estate to\nyou and Susan after the wedding.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, if Susan and I had... I mean, if\nthe envelopes hadn't, uh... then we--\n\nWYCK\nYes.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd now?\n\nWYCK\nNot. It's all been endowed to the foundation,\neven this townhouse.\n\nGEORGE\nThis townhouse?\n\nWYCK\nThis would have been your wedding gift.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd now?\n\nWYCK\nNot.\n\nGEORGE\nNot.\n\nWYCK\nAlso endowed. George... I know how much\nSusan meant to you. It can't be easy.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, it really can't.\n\nThe coffee shop.)\n\nMULVA\nSo who broke it off?\n\nJERRY\nWell, that's the thing. It was completely\nmutual.\n\nMULVA\nOh, come on. Everybody knows there's\nno such thing as a mutual breakup. Tell\nme the truth.\n\nJERRY\nI am. It was the world's first.\n\nMULVA\nYou know, when I heard you got engaged,\nI thought *maybe* you had matured. But\nobviously there's no growth here. (exits)\n\nJERRY\nWell, I can't argue with that, but the\nfact remains... I was completely...\n(to himself, cursing her) Mulva!\n\nJerry's apartment. The phone is ringing as he's getting in.)\n\nJERRY\n(answering) Hello?\n\nSECRETARY\nPlease hold for Elaine Benes.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I don't believe this.\n\nELAINE\n(picking up) Jerry!\n\nJERRY\nHey!\n\nELAINE\nHey. Guess who just finished laying\nout her first issue of the J. Peterman\nCatalog.\n\nJERRY\nHow's it look?\n\nELAINE\n(muffled, as she's smoking a cigar)\nIt's a peach.\n\nJERRY\nHuh?\n\nELAINE\nI say, it's a peach.\n\nJERRY\nElaine, let me ask you something. When\nI told you my breakup was mutual, did\nyou believe me?\n\nELAINE\nNo, no, no. It's weak. No one's gonna\nbuy it, and you shouldn't be selling\nit.\n\nJERRY\nI gotta do some research here.\n\nELAINE\nHey, hey. Me. Talking. You know, between\nyou and me, I always thought Kramer\nwas a bit of a doofus, but he believed\nin me. *You* did not. So as I see it,\nhe's not the doofus. *You* are the doofus.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I'm the doofus?\n\nELAINE\nYeah. You, Jerry, are the doofus.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, it occurs to me that Kramer\nis at karate right now.\n\nELAINE\nOh, well, maybe I'll just go down there\nand thank him in person.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, that's what I was thinking.\n\nKramer's karate class. Kramer is beating his opponent, a little\ngirl. Elaine walks in, surprised.)\n\nELAINE\nKramer!\n\nKRAMER\nOh, hey.\n\nELAINE\nWhat are you doing?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, well, I-I-I'm dominating.\n\nELAINE\nYou never said you were fighting children.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, it's not the size of the opponent,\nElaine, it's, uh, the ferocity.\n\nELAINE\nThis is what you used to build me up?\nThis is where you got all that stupid\nkatra stuff?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no. That's from, uh, Star Trek III...\nThe Search for Spock.\n\nELAINE\nSearch... for Spock?!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I know Jerry will tell you that\nThe Wrath of Khan is the better picture,\nbut for me, I always...\n\nELAINE\n(pushes him) You doofus!\n\n(As Kramer is knocked down, there is amazed murmuring among his\npeers.)\n\nThe coffee shop. Jerry is conducting some research.)\n\nJERRY\nOkay, question #8. What if I told you\nmy fiancee left me for another man?\nDoes that make me more likable, less\nlikable, as likable? Let's start over\nhere this time.\n\nWAITRESS #1\nMore.\n\nWAITRESS #2\nLess.\n\nRUTHIE\nSame.\n\nWILLIE\nAre we about through here?\n\n(Jerry crosses off something on his clipboard.)\n\nA dark, foggy street. Kramer is walking with Joey.)\n\nKRAMER\nI thought you said your mom was meeting\nus in the alley.\n\nJOEY\nShe had a little change of plans.\n\n(Children emerge from various places in the alley, to ambush\nKramer.)\n\nKRAMER\nWhat's going on? Hey, Timmy, Clara.\nThat was some kind of workout we had\ntonight, huh?\n\nGIRL\nNow we finish it.\n\n(Kramer tries to escape up the fire escape ladder, but the kids\ndrag him down.)\n\nKRAMER\nAah! Aah! Mama!\n\nJerry's apartment.)\n\nJERRY\n(on the phone) Dad, I wouldn't eat anything\nyou caught in that pond out in front\nof the condo.\n\n(Elaine enters.)\n\nJERRY\nUh, look, Elaine's here, I gotta get\ngoing. Oh, by the way, uh, I'm not getting\nmarried. Tell mom. Bye. (hangs up)\n\n(The phone rings again expectedly. Jerry hangs up without answering.)\n\nJERRY\nSo... did you stop by the dojo?\n\nELAINE\nYep.\n\nJERRY\nHow's your confidence level?\n\nELAINE\nShot.\n\nJERRY\nSelf-esteem?\n\nELAINE\nGone.\n\nJERRY\nDoofus?\n\nELAINE\n(raises her hand) Yo.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, so what? You put out the\ncatalog. How bad could it be?\n\n(Elaine takes out the Urban Sombrero and puts it on.)\n\nJERRY\nWhat is that?\n\nELAINE\nIt's the Urban Sombrero. I put it on\nthe cover.\n\nJERRY\nWell, nobody sees the... cover.\n\n(Kramer enters.)\n\nKRAMER\nGod!\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened to you?\n\nKRAMER\nWhew! I got whooped. You should have\nseen the rage in their little eyes.\nAnd those tiny little fists of fury.\nOh. (notices the Urban Sombrero) What\nis that?\n\nJERRY\nIt's the new cover of the J. Peterman\nCatalog. It is Elaine's choice. Let's\ncongratulate her.\n\nKRAMER\nOh I see. (Elaine walks up to him) Woof!\n\nELAINE\n(pointing a finger accusingly at Kramer)\nYou! This is all your fault! You told\nme I could run the company!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, then I was way off!\n\nELAINE\nWell, I'll see ya... (exits)\n\nJERRY\nVaya con dios.\n\nKRAMER\n(with his forehead in his hands) Man,\nI gotta go lay down. You and George\ngoing out a little later?\n\nJERRY\nNo, he's still stuck at the foundation.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, you oughta go down there and\nhelp him out. He's a widower.\n\nJERRY\nWidower? Wait a second. (goes to a notebook\nof his research)\n\nThe foundation.)\n\nWYCK\nOkay, let's see. The beachhouse. 48\nacres... ooh. Southampton. That should\nfetch a fair price.\n\nGEORGE\nWould I have had access to that?\n\nWYCK\nOf course, it would have been yours.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd now?\n\n(Wyck turns to face him.)\n\nGEORGE\n(anticipating the answer) Not.\n\n(phone rings. George eagerly answers it.)\n\nGEORGE\nHello?\n\nJERRY\nHey, Georgie! I'm doing some research\ndown at the coffee shop. Your story's\nthe one.\n\nGEORGE\nMy story?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, your widower story's tested through\nthe roof. (various patrons give the\nthumbs up in approval) When are you\ngetting out of there?\n\nGEORGE\nUh, excuse me, Wyck. Uh, are we, uh,\nalmost done here?\n\nWYCK\n(chuckling) Oh, no, not even close.\n\nGEORGE\n(remorsefully) I can't go.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you mean you can't go? There's\ntwo really girls sitting at the counter\neating grilled cheese. Cheese, George!\nCheese!\n\n(George hangs up.)\n\nWYCK\nOkay, next item. Susan's doll collection.\nEstimated value: $2.6 million. What\ndo you say we go through this doll by\ndoll?\n\n(George turns to the portrait of Susan in amazement.)\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Soul-Mate.html",
    "text": "THE SOUL MATE\n\nWritten by\n\nPeter Mehlman\n\nGeorge at a meeting at the Susan Ross Foundation.\n\nGEORGE\nYou want me to find a poem about Susan?\nMay she rest in peace?!\n\nWYCK\nWell, we think it would be a nice touch\nfor the Foundation literature. Do you\nhave a favorite poet, George?\n\nGEORGE\nI like, uh...(mutters something unintelligible\nunder his breath.)\n\nWYCK\nPardon?\n\nGEORGE\n(mutters it again)\n\nWYCK\nWell, you should choose the poem since\nyou knew Susan best at the time of her\nunfortunate (clears his throat)...accident.\n\n(George looks at Wyck suspiciously.)\n\nNew scene - George and Jerry at the coffee shop later that day.\n\nJERRY\nHe cleared his throat?\n\nGEORGE\nYes!\n\nJERRY\nSo?\n\nGEORGE\nHe did it right as he said \"her unfortunate\naccident.\"\n\nJERRY\nNot getting it.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, a throat-clear is a non-verbal\nimplication of doubt - he thinks I killed\nSusan!\n\nJERRY\nOh, help me, Rhonda.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat time is it?\n\nJERRY\n1:15.\n\nGEORGE\nRight now?\n\nJERRY\nI gotta go meet Pam.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, the bookstore girl. How's that goin'?\n\nJERRY\nOkay. I'm just not ga-ga over her. For\nonce I'd like to be ga-ga.\n\nGEORGE\nWhere's Elaine?\n\nJERRY\nShe's having Carol, Gail and Lisa over.\nYou know they all have kids now?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's with all these people having\nbabies?\n\nJERRY\nPerpetuation of the species.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah! Right!\n\nJERRY\nBy the way, just for the record -\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I did not! (They exit the coffee\nshop.)\n\nCommercial break.\n\nNew scene - Elaine at her apartment with Carol, Gail and Lisa.\n\nCAROL\n...but because it comes out of your\nbaby, it smells good!\n\nELAINE\nWell, that's...that's sweet.\n\nGAIL\nBeing a mother has made me feel so beautiful.\n\nCAROL\nElaine, you gotta have a baby!\n\nELAINE\nOh, hey, you know...I had a piece of\nwhitefish over at Barney Greengrass\nthe other day...\n\nLISA\nElaine. Move to Long Island and have\na baby already.\n\nELAINE\nI really like the city.\n\nCAROL\nThe city's a toilet. When's the last\ntime you saw my little Adam?\n\nELAINE\nUh, it was in the Hamptons.\n\nCAROL\nOh! I have pictures!\n\nELAINE\nNo, no, that's okay, it's uh...\n\nCAROL\nLook at him! Just look at him!\n\n(Elaine is revolted by the sight of \"breathtaking\" little Adam.)\n\nNew scene - Jerry and George walking down the street after leaving\nMonk's.\n\nJERRY\nSo, Elaine was telling me about this\npiece of whitefish she had the other\nday...\n\nGEORGE\nDo you really think I'm wrong about\nthis Wyck guy?\n\nJERRY\nYou know, if you really want to test\nhim out, why don't you try the old Jerry\nLewis trick?\n\nGEORGE\nJerry Lewis?\n\nJERRY\nI heard that when Jerry Lewis left a\nmeeting, he'd purposefully leave a briefcase\nwith a tape recorder in it. Then after\nfive minutes, he'd come back for it\nand listen to what everyone said about\nhim.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's pretty paranoid.\n\nJERRY\nYes, it is.\n\nGEORGE\nI like it!\n\nJERRY\nI thought you might.\n\nNew scene - Kramer in Jerry's apartment. Pam enters.\n\nPAM\nOh, hi! I'm Pam. You must be Kramer.\n(Kramer is smitten with Pam and grins\ngoofily.) Jerry's told me a lot about\nyou. (Kramer continues grinning.) Well,\nI'm supposed to meet Jerry, it's my\nday off. I work in a bookstore.\n\nKRAMER\nBooks. (Knocks over a bowl of fruit\non the counter.)\n\nPAM\nOh, careful! (Jerry enters.)\n\nJERRY\nHi, sorry I'm late.\n\nPAM\nThat's okay. Kramer let me in.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, if we rush, we can still make\nthe movie.\n\nPAM\nOkay. (Touches Kramer's hand) It was\nreally nice meeting you.\n\n(Jerry and Pam leave. Kramer sniffs his hand where Pam touched\nhim, and makes a delighted noise.)\n\nNew scene - Kramer and Newman in Newman's apartment.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm in trouble, buddy. I just met a\nwoman.\n\nNEWMAN\nGo on.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, she's Jerry's girlfriend.\n\nNEWMAN\nAh, yes. Forbidden love.\n\nKRAMER\nShe works in a book shop. Her name is\nPam.\n\nNEWMAN\n\"Pam.\" I don't know the woman, but she\nsounds quite fetching.\n\nKRAMER\nI can't even speak in front of her.\n(Sits down on the couch.)\n\nNEWMAN\nJerry! What could she possibly see in\nJerry? (Walks in front of Kramer and\ntrips over his feet.)\n\nKRAMER\nShe has delicate beauty.\n\nNEWMAN\nJerry wouldn't know delicate beauty\nif it bludgeoned him over the head.\n\nKRAMER\nAnd yet, he's my friend.\n\nNEWMAN\nAnd therein lies the tragedy. For I\nbelieve, sadly for you, that there is\nbut one woman meant for each of us.\nOne perfect angel for whom we are put\non this earth.\n\nKRAMER\nAw, that's beautiful, Newman.\n\nNEWMAN\nOne winsome tulip we ceaselessly yearn\nfor throughout our dreary, workaday\nlives! And you, my friend, have found\nyour angel. I can tell. For my heart\nhas also been captured by a breathless\nbeauty - whom I fear I will never possess.\n\nKRAMER\nI thought we were talking about me.\n\nNEWMAN\nRight. Kramer, you have to confront\nJerry.\n\nKRAMER\nConfront Jerry? I can't.\n\nNEWMAN\nYou must!\n\nKRAMER\nI won't!\n\nNEWMAN\nYou will!\n\nNew scene - Jerry, Elaine and George at a newsstand.\n\nELAINE\n\"Elaine, ya gotta have a baby.\" Ugh.\n\nGEORGE\nWhere are all the poetry magazines?\n\nELAINE\nThe New Yorker has poetry.\n\nGEORGE\nYes. The New Yorker.\n\nJERRY\nWhy do you invite these women over if\nthey annoy you so much?\n\nELAINE\nThey're my friends, but they act as\nif having a baby takes some kind of\ntalent.\n\nJERRY\nC'mon, you want to have a baby.\n\nELAINE\nWhy? Because I can?\n\nJERRY\nIt's the life force. I saw a show on\nthe mollusk last night. Elaine, the\nmollusk travels from Alaska to Chile\njust for a shot at another mollusk.\nYou think you're any better?\n\nELAINE\nYes! I think I am better than the mollusk!\n\nKEVIN\nI couldn't help overhearing what you\nwere saying.\n\nELAINE\nOh, I'm sorry.\n\nKEVIN\nNo, no, I think I agree with you. I\nmean, all this talk about having babies.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, like you must procreate.\n\nKEVIN\nBesides, anyone can do it.\n\nELAINE\nOh, it's been done to death. (smiles)\n\nNew scene - George in another meeting at the Foundation. He has\na briefcase with a tape recorder in it.\n\nGEORGE\nI, uh, should have a poem very soon\nnow.\n\nWYCK\nAre you okay, George?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no, not really. Ever since Susan\npassed on, I have good days and bad.\n(Turns the briefcase towards the woman\non his left.) Some days, I'm haunted\nby one word - why. Why Susan? Why wasn't\nit me licking those invitations? Why\nam I still here? Well, I gotta run.\n(Gets up and leaves the meeting.)\n\n(George is shown standing on the street while the tape rolls\ninside the briefcase.)\n\nCut back to the Foundation meeting.\n\nWYCK\n...and the stock options for this year\nlook quite, uh... (George returns and\nretrieves the briefcase.)\n\nGEORGE\nBriefcase. (Shrugs and exits.)\n\nNew scene - Elaine and Kevin at the coffee shop.\n\nELAINE\nSo, Kevin. If I don't want children,\ndoes that make me a bad humanitarian?\n\nKEVIN\nNot at all.\n\nELAINE\n'Cause, I mean, when you get to know\nme, you'll see that I'm a pretty good\nhumanitarian. (Waitress comes to the\ntable and pours more coffee.) You are\ndoing a wonderful job, by the way. Thanks\na lot. (To Kevin) Right? Am I right?\n(Kramer walks by.) Kramer. Kramer! Come\nhere, look at my new friend Kevin. (Kramer\nand Kevin shake hands.) Oh, you got\na little, uh...\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I just had two double-fudge sundaes.\n\nELAINE\nOh. Are you alright?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I'll be okay.\n\nELAINE\nYou know, Jerry has one of those every\ntime he bombs on stage.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I'm sure he'll be sharing his\nnext one with Pam.\n\nELAINE\nOh, no...that won't last.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat do you mean?\n\nELAINE\nHe's not ga-ga.\n\n(Kramer suddenly looks elated and runs out.)\n\nNew scene - George shows up at Jerry's apartment later that night\nwith the briefcase.\n\nGEORGE\nLemme tell you something, that Jerry\nLewis? You wonder how some of these\npeople get to the top? It's ideas like\nthis! Brilliant! Hah-hah! (Notices that\nthe briefcase is damaged.) Look at this\n- what the hell happened? The whole\nside is damaged here...and the lock\nis broken.\n\nJERRY\nHow long did you leave it up there?\n\nGEORGE\nFive minutes. What the hell happened\nhere?\n\nJERRY\nPlay the tape, maybe we'll get a clue.\n\nGEORGE\nI have to rewind it first. (George presses\nthe rewind button on the tape recorder.\nHe and Jerry stand there, waiting impatiently\nas it rewinds.) Alright, alright.\n\n(George plays back the tape. We hear a voice ask, \"Did anyone\nnotice George's fingernails?\" Then a female voice answering,\n\"Oh my, yes. They looked like they were eaten away by weavels.\"\nThe male voice remarks, \"It's warm in here. Open a window.\" Then,\n\"Hey! What are you doing?\" The female voice exclaims, \"Dear God.\"\nThere's a clunking sound on the tape, and the recording ends.)\n\nJERRY\nIs that it?\n\nGEORGE\nStopped dead.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you make of it?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know. (George sits down at the\ntable. Kramer enters.)\n\nKRAMER\nJerry. Uh, can we talk?\n\nGEORGE\nKinda busy here.\n\nKRAMER\nI'd like to talk to Jerry in private.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy can't I stay?\n\nKRAMER\nBecause it doesn't concern you.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, if it doesn't concern me, then\nI can stay. (Kramer grabs the back of\nGeorge's chair, drags him out into the\nhallway and closes the door.)\n\nJERRY\nSo, what's on your mind?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's Pam.\n\nJERRY\nPam? What about Pam?\n\nKRAMER\nI love her, Jerry!\n\nJERRY\nYou what?\n\nKRAMER\nI love her!\n\nJERRY\nIs that right?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, she's uh...she's real. She can bring\nhome the bacon and fry it in the pan.\n\nJERRY\nWhat does that mean?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, and that voice!\n\nJERRY\nWhat about her name?\n\nKRAMER\nPam? Oh, it's a beautiful name. (Kramer\nsits on the couch.) Pam. Pam. Pam!\n\nJERRY\nShe's got really nice hair.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, it's incredible. Although, I might\nreplace her tortoise clip with one of\nthose velvet scrunchies. I love those.\n\nJERRY\nYou've got really specific tastes.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I know what I want, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nShe's got nice calves.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, she's a dreamboat. But, you don't\nlike her, so...\n\nJERRY\nMaybe I could, you're making some pretty\ngood points.\n\nKRAMER\nNo you can't, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nBut I might.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, no you don't.\n\nJERRY\nWhy not? The voice? The calves? The\nbacon?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat...?\n\nJERRY\nI think I can! I even like the name!\nPam!\n\nKRAMER\nHuh?\n\nJERRY\nPam!\n\nKRAMER\nHuh?\n\nJERRY\nPam!\n\nKRAMER\nHuh-yah! (Kramer loses it and runs out\npast George, who is still sitting in\nthe hallway on a chair.)\n\nCommercial break.\n\nNew scene - Kramer and Newman in Newman's apartment.\n\nKRAMER\nSo now he wants her more than ever!\n\nNEWMAN\nBlast!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat am I gonna do, huh?\n\nNEWMAN\nDon't despair, my friend. (Newman walks\nin front of Kramer and trips over his\nfeet. Again.) I won't allow your love\nto go unrequited. Not like mine.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat, again with you?\n\nNEWMAN\nSorry. But love is spice with many tastes.\nA dizzying array of textures...and moments.\n\nKRAMER\nIf only I could say things like that\naround her.\n\nNEWMAN\nYes...\n\nNew scene - Elaine and George at the coffee shop listening to\nthe briefcase tape.\n\nELAINE\nWell, I hear three distinct sounds.\nA low rumple...followed by a metallic\n'squink'...\n\nGEORGE\nYes! Yes, I heard the 'squink'!\n\nELAINE\n...followed by a mysterious...'glonk.'\n\nGEORGE\nIt's baffling, isn't it?\n\nELAINE\nWell, one question does come to mind.\nHave you considered just...asking them\nwhat happened to the briefcase?\n\nGEORGE\nThey would never tell me, Elaine. First\nof all, they probably think that I killed\nSusan. Besides, I don't even think they\nlike me. (Jerry comes over to the table.)\n\nJERRY\nThat Pam! I am ga-ga over her!\n\nELAINE\nGa-ga? When did that happen?\n\nJERRY\nYesterday. Six-ish.\n\nELAINE\nWell, maybe we should double. I'm pretty\nga-ga myself.\n\nJERRY\nYou just met the guy yesterday.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, but we have a common goal.\n\nJERRY\nA barren, sterile existence that ends\nwhen you die?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd you really believe this guy doesn't\nwant to have kids.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, of course.\n\nJERRY\nElaine, a guy'll say anything to get\na woman.\n\nELAINE\nOh, please. He wouldn't say that.\n\nGEORGE\nElaine, I once told a woman that I coined\nthe phrase, \"Pardon my French.\"\n\nJERRY\nI once told a woman that I don't eat\ncake 'cause it goes right to my thighs.\n\nGEORGE\nI once told a woman that I really enjoy\nspending time with my family.\n\nNew scene - Kramer and Newman in an aisle at the bookstore where\nPam works.\n\nNEWMAN\nWith your looks and my words, we'll\nhave built the perfect beast. (Kramer\nclaps him on the shoulder, then goes\nto the other side of the aisle to talk\nto Pam.)\n\nPAM\nOh, hi! Kramer.\n\nNEWMAN\nHi. How are you?\n\nKRAMER\nHi. How are you?\n\nPAM\nI'm great.\n\nNEWMAN\nI too am well.\n\nKRAMER\nI too am well.\n\nNEWMAN\nDo I smell Pantene?\n\nKRAMER\nDo I smell?\n\nNEWMAN\nPantene!\n\nKRAMER\nUh, Pantene.\n\nPAM\nOh, my shampoo. Yeah, it is Pantene,\nI got a free sample in with my junk\nmail.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, there really is no junk-mail...well,\neverybody wants to get a check or a\nbirthday card, but...\n\nNEWMAN\n...it takes just as much man-power to\ndeliver it as their precious little\ngreeting cards...\n\nKRAMER\nNewman! (Elbows him through the books.\nNewman falls over.)\n\nPAM\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, human. It's...human to be moved\nby a fragrance.\n\nPAM\nThat's so true.\n\nKRAMER\nHer bouquet cleaved his hardened...\n\nNEWMAN\nShell.\n\nKRAMER\n...shell. And fondled his muscled heart.\nHe embibed her glistening spell...just\nbefore the other shoe...fell.\n\nPAM\nKramer, that is so lovely.\n\nKRAMER\nIt's by an unknown 20th-century poet.\n\nPAM\nOh, what's his name?\n\nKRAMER\nNewman. (On the other side of the bookcase,\nNewman preens proudly.)\n\nNew scene - Elaine and Kevin in Elaine's apartment.\n\nKEVIN\nElaine, you've changed my life.\n\nELAINE\nOh, Kevin...you can go on and on about\nhow you don't want kids...and it sounds,\nit sounds really nice, but...the truth\nis, I don't know if you mean it or not.\n\nKEVIN\nI got a vasectomy this morning.\n\nELAINE\nAlthough, I have a hunch you mean it.\n\nNew scene - Jerry talking with Pam at the bookstore.\n\nJERRY\nI just came by to tell you - I'm really,\nreally happy about this relationship.\nReally happy.\n\nPAM\nOh. Well, that's um...(clears her throat)...nice.\n(Jerry looks suspicious. Pam turns around\nand Jerry notices her tortoise clip\nhas been replaced with a velvet scrunchie.)\n\nJERRY'S BRAIN\nA velvet scrunchie!\n\nJERRY\nKramer!\n\nNew scene - Jerry approaching his apartment door. He meets Newman\ncoming out of Kramer's place.\n\nJERRY\nHello, Newman.\n\nNEWMAN\nHello, Jerry. How's Pam?\n\nJERRY\nPam? What do you care? (Newman shrugs.\nJerry notices he's carrying a Brentano's\nbookstore bag.)\n\nNEWMAN\nWell, ta-ta! (Scampers away.)\n\nJERRY\nWait a minute! (A manic chase scene\nensues, with Jerry chasing Newman from\none end of the building to the other.\nJerry finally catches up with him in\nthe hallway on another floor.)\n\nJERRY\nAlright, Newman! This is it! (Shoves\nhim against the wall.)\n\nNEWMAN\nEasy, Jerry. Steady. You wouldn't want\nto lose your cool at a time like this.\n\nJERRY\nWhy not?\n\nNEWMAN\nBecause right now, I'm the only chance\nyou've got. (Newman giggles nervously.\nJerry makes Newman flinch, and his giggling\nis choked off.)\n\nJERRY\nC'mon. (They exit.)\n\nNew scene - Jerry and Newman in Newman's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nI can't believe I'm losing Pam!\n\nNEWMAN\nI know how you feel. For I, too, have\na woman for whom I pine.\n\nJERRY\nI thought we were talking about me.\n\nNEWMAN\nRight.\n\nJERRY\nAnyway, I don't need your help. (Turns\nto leave.)\n\nNEWMAN\nOh, don't you? Joke boy? You really\nthink you can manipulate that beautiful\nyoung woman like the half-soused nightclub\nrabble that lap up your inane \"observations\"?\n\nJERRY\nAlright, Newman. What do I have to do\nto get you to stop pulling the strings\nfor Kramer?\n\nNEWMAN\nWell, there is a little something you\ncan do for me...\n\nJERRY\nC'mon, out with it.\n\nNEWMAN\nIt's about...Elaine.\n\nJERRY\nElaine? What does she have to - (notices\nNewman looking up at him longlingly.)\nOh no...\n\nNEWMAN\nYou dated her. Give me some inside information.\nAnything I can use!\n\nJERRY\nWell, I know she doesn't want to have\nkids. (Newman considers the implications\nof this.)\n\nCut back to Elaine and Kevin at Elaine's apartment.\n\nKEVIN\nI thought you'd be a little more enthusiastic\nabout it.\n\nELAINE\nI know, I don't want...(clears her throat)...kids.\n\nKEVIN\nWhat was that?\n\nELAINE\nWell, Kevin, maybe I have a little doubt.\nI mean, nothing is a hundred percent.\n\nKEVIN\nThis is! Oh boy, I always do this.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nKEVIN\nOh, I get all jazzed up about something\nand I go way to far with it.\n\nELAINE\nReally?\n\nKEVIN\nOh, yeah. Like last summer. I'm watchin'\nTV and I saw one of those jet-skis.\n$4000 later and it's sitting in my garage.\n\nELAINE\nYou know, that's weird, actually, 'cause\nI'm sort of the same way. I mean once\nfor like, no reason, I flattened my\nhair and I had all these strands hanging\nin my face all the time...\n\nKEVIN\nSometimes I think I do want kids. Maybe\na lot of kids!\n\nELAINE\nSometimes I think about wearing my hair\nreal short.\n\nKEVIN\nYeah! I think I like short hair. Really\nshort.\n\nELAINE\nYeah!\n\nKEVIN\nYeah!\n\nNew scene - Jerry and George in Jerry's kitchen. George has brought\nover a model of the conference room at the Foundation.\n\nGEORGE\nThis is a crude mock-up of the conference\nroom. 1/14th scale.\n\nJERRY\nWhen did you build this thing?\n\nGEORGE\nYesterday, took the day off. (Picks\nup a red Power Ranger action figure\nfrom the model and pretends it's him.)\nNow, from the time I left the room...\n\nJERRY\nWait, that's you?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nI really think the M&M should be you.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, whatever! Now. Whatever caused\nthe damage...(drops a tiny briefcase\nonto the table in the model)...was jarring\nenough to completely stop the tape.\n\nJERRY\nAnd?\n\nGEORGE\nOkay. That's what we know.\n\nJERRY\nBut we already knew that.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, yeah.\n\nJERRY\nJust give me some idea of what you think\nit could be.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know if you're ready for it.\n\nJERRY\nPlease.\n\nGEORGE\nI believe that I am about to become\nthe target of a systematic process of\nintimidation and manipulation, the likes\nof which you have never -\n\nJERRY\nHold it, hold it! You're right, I'm\nnot ready for this. (The door buzzer\nsounds, Jerry answers it.) Yeah?\n\nVOICE ON SPEAKER\nIt's Pam.\n\nJERRY\nC'mon up. (To George) Alright, it's\nPam, you gotta get goin.'\n\nGEORGE\nI'm not through here, Jerry. (Picks\nup the model of the conference room.)\nI'm gonna keep on investigating. This\nthing is like an onion. The more layers\nyou peel, the more it stinks. (Pam enters,\nGeorge leaves.)\n\nPAM\nWhat was that?\n\nJERRY\nWe were just playin.'\n\nPAM\nListen, I had a long talk with Kramer\ntoday...\n\nJERRY\nUh huh...\n\nPAM\nWell, the thing is, I uh...I think I\nhave a little crush on him. (Kramer\nslides in the door on his knees.)\n\nKRAMER\nI'm so happy! My world suddenly has\nmeaning!\n\nJERRY\nThis is the man you have a crush on?\n\nPAM\nWell, I have feelings for both of you.\n\nKRAMER\nHow can you have feelings for him? We're\nsoul mates.\n\nJERRY\nWhy can't I be a soul mate?\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, you really think that Pam would\nwant you to be the father of her children?\n\nPAM\nChildren? Who said anything about children?\nI don't want to have children.\n\n(Jerry and Kramer look at each other, puzzled.)\n\nNew scene - George back at the conference room at the Foundation.\n\nGEORGE\nThere are some people in this room who\nwould have been very happy to never\nsee this briefcase again. There are\npeople in this room who think they can\ndestroy other people's property and\nget away with it. Well, let me tell\nyou something about those people. They\nweren't counting on this brain! And\nthis tape recorder.\n\nWYCK\nGeorge...\n\nGEORGE\nYou'll have your turn! The truth must\nbe heard. (Plays back the tape.) That's\nall there was. And yet, it speaks volumes.\nA low rumple. A metallic 'squink.' A\n'glonk.' Someone crying out...\"Dear\nGod!\" Let's start with, uh...with you,\nWyck.\n\nWYCK\nGeorge, Quinn here was moving a chair...he\nlost his balance and dropped it...it\nmust have fallen on your briefcase,\nwhich, for some reason, contained a\nrunning tape recorder?\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, then. We've gotten to the bottom\nof that.\n\nNew scene - Jerry and Newman in the office of Bernard Wendroff,\nM.D. - urologist. Elaine and Kevin enter. Elaine has cut her\nhair short.\n\nELAINE\nWhat are you guys doing here?\n\nJERRY\nWe're getting vasectomies.\n\nELAINE\nWhy?\n\nNEWMAN\nI'm doing it for you.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nWhat'd you do to your hair?\n\nELAINE\nI cut it.\n\nJERRY\nIt's a little short.\n\nKEVIN\nY'think?\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you doing here?\n\nELAINE\nKevin's having his vasectomy reversed.\n\nJERRY AND NEWMAN\nReversed?! (Kramer comes hobbling out\nof the doctors office in pain, after\nhaving a vasectomy of his own, and exits.\nJerry and Newman look at each other,\nand bolt for the door themselves.)\n\nCommercial break.\n\nNew scene - George reading the poem for Susan at the Foundation.\n\nGEORGE\n...he embibed her glistening spell...just\nbefore the other shoe...fell.\n\nWYCK\nIs that a Keats poem?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, it's a Newman. Well, I gotta run.\n(Smiles, pats his briefcase and exits.)\n\nWYCK\nDoes anyone think George might have\nmurdered Susan?\n\nMR. CROSS\nOh, yeah. I just assumed he murdered\nher.\n\nMS. BAINES\nOf course he killed her.\n\nWYCK\nSo it's not just me, then. Alright!\nBack to business.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Bizarro-Jerry.html",
    "text": "THE BIZARRO JERRY\n\nWritten by\n\nDavid Mandel\n\n(JERRY and GEORGE are eating at\nan outdoor table, possibly in a\nzoo.)\n\nJERRY\nAll right. How 'bout this one:\nlet's say you're abducted by aliens.\n\nGEORGE\nFine.\n\nJERRY\nThey haul you aboard the mother\nship, take you back to their planet\nas a curiosity. Now: would you\nrather be in their zoo, or their\ncircus?\n\nGEORGE\nI gotta go zoo. I feel like I could\nset more of my own schedule.\n\nJERRY\nBut in the circus you get to ride\naround in the train, see the whole\nplanet!\n\nGEORGE\nI'm wearin' a little hat, I'm jumpin'\nthrough fire.. They're puttin'\ntheir little alien heads in my\nmouth..\n\nJERRY\n(resigned) At least it's show business..\n\nGEORGE\nBut in the zoo, you know, they\nmight, put a woman in there with\nme to uh.. you know, get me to\nmate.\n\nJERRY\nWhat if she's got no interest in\nyou?\n\nGEORGE\nW--then I'm pretty much where I\nam now. At least I got to take\na ride on a spaceship.\n\n(TIME: 00:43)\n(Commercial Break)\n\n(Exterior long shot: looking up\nat an office building)\n\n(Interior of office reception area\nof \"Brand/Leland\" as GEORGE, JERRY,\nand KRAMER come in. They calmly\nkeep it quiet.)\n\nKRAMER\nGeorge, why couldn't I use the\nbathroom in that store?\n\nGEORGE\nKrama, trust me, this is the best\nbathroom in midtown!\n\nKRAMER\n(frustrated) Wha??\n\nJERRY\n(dry) He knows.\n\nGEORGE\n{Anyway,} on the left--exquisite\nmarble! High ceilings. An' a flush,\nlike a jet engine! (imitates sound)\nHa ha!\n\nKRAMER\n(impressed) Now, listen, uh. You\nbetter not wait. I'll catch you\nlater.\n\nGEORGE\nYou sure?\n\nJERRY\n(dry) He knows.\n\n(KRAMER goes on his mission and\nthey're waiting for the elevator\nas the RECEPTIONIST calmly arrives,\nnot noticing them.\n\nShe could be a model.)\n\nGEORGE\nWow.\n\nNice.\n\nJERRY\nWhy don't you try your engagement\nstory?\n\nGEORGE\n(considers, but got into elevator)\nWon't work.\n\nJERRY\nAre you sure?\n\nGEORGE\n(wry) He knows.\n\n(Reggie's diner. ELAINE and KEVIN,\na geekish nice guy in a red jacket,\nare eating at a table. ELAINE is\na little bored,\n\ndreading.)\n\nELAINE\nLook. Kevin. I really like you,\nheh, heh, uh. But, um, maybe we'd\nbe, better off just being.. friends.\n(takes a bite of her\n\nSANDWICH)\n\nKEVIN\nFriends?\n\nELAINE\nWell. I mean. (distracted by the\nfood) Oh, god. This tuna tastes\nlike an old sponge.\n\nKEVIN\nFriends. Yeah! Why not friends?\nI might like to try that! Like\nyou an' Jerry!\n\n(Men's room door. Flush sound and\n\"Wooo!\".)\n\n(Down the hall, a MAN in a suit\nis trying to use the copier as\nKRAMER comes out of the men's room\naffecting nonchalance.)\n\nMAN\n(frustrated) Damn thing is jammed\nagain..\n\nKRAMER\nYou know what happens with these?\nThe rollers, they get flat spots\non 'em. (hits button several times\nand whacks it)\n\nMAN #2\n(rushing by, tense) Hey Leland\nwants everyone in the conference\nroom right now.\n\nMAN\nCome on, let's go.\n\nKRAMER\n(absently wants to be part of it)\nOh, yeah--yeah.. (follows them)\n\n(Monk's. GEORGE, JERRY, and ELAINE\nat a booth.)\n\nELAINE\n(to JERRY) Remember I was telling\nyou about Gillian, my friend who\nwrites for the L.L. Bean catalogue?\nI really think you\n\nshould give her a call.\n\nJERRY\n(doubtful) I don't know, do you\nhave a--\n\n(ELAINE has anticipated the question,\ngives him her picture.)\n\nJERRY\nNot bad. Wuh--what does she--\n\nELAINE\n(dry) I put her stats on the back.\n\nJERRY\nPretty impressive--\"Serious boyfriend\n'92 to '95.\" Owns her own car..\n\"Favorite president: James Polk!\"\n(ELAINE had\n\nechoed: \"Uh-huh. Yup.\" during it)\n\nGEORGE\nHnn! Let me see that.\n\nJERRY\n(hands it to him as he asks ELAINE)\nSo how'd it go with Kevin? Did\nyou, steel-toe his ass back to\nKentucky?\n\nELAINE\n(laughs in appreciation) You are\nnot gonna believe this! I told\nhim that I just wanted to be friends.\nHe's fine with it. He really\n\nwants to be friends.\n\nJERRY\nWhy would anybody want a friend.\n\nELAINE\n(dread) Uh.\n\nIt's really not that bad, actually.\nHe said he'd even go with me to\nthe Museum of Miniatures. This\nis something you would never\n\never do.\n\nJERRY\nI mean all that stuff is so small..\n\n((ELAINE is wryly assessing him))\n\nstupid..\n\nGEORGE\n(still looking at that picture)\nYou know if I told my engagement\nstory to that receptionist, but\ntold her this, was my fianc\u00e9e..\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nDon't you see. Women like that\nare like, members of a secret tribe\nliving in a forbidden city. People\nlike me have not been\n\ninside in thousands of years..\nBut with this, it's like I've already\nbeen with one of her own! My hands\nbeen stamped! I come\n\nand go as I please!\n\nELAINE\n(wry, not impressed) Well you cracked\nit! I warned the Queen you were\ngettin' close an', now it looks\nlike we're gonna have to\n\nmove the whole damn forbidden city.\n(chuckles with JERRY)\n\nGEORGE\n(getting up) Can I keep this?\n\nELAINE\nNo, I need it.\n\nGEORGE\n(absently leaving with it) Thanks.\n\n(The Brand/Leland office reception\narea. GEORGE comes in off elevator\nto the RECEPTIONIST (AMANDA).)\n\nGEORGE\nHi. I'm ah, I'm here to see a Mr.\nArt Vandelay..\n\nAMANDA\nI'm sorry sir, there is no Mr.\nVandelay here..\n\nGEORGE\n(taking out wallet) Well, let me.\nHeh. Let me just eh.. check an',\nmake sure I have the right man--ha!\nHeh, heh, heh!\n\nSeems--oh! I, oh! (has conveniently\ndropped the photo into her view)\n\nAMANDA\nOh! She's beautiful! Who is she?\n\nGEORGE\n(humble) Well, if you must know,\nshhhe, was my fianc\u00e9e, Susan. May\nshe rest in peace.\n\nAMANDA\nOh, sorry.. She was lovely. I'm\nAmanda.\n\nGEORGE\n(shaking hands) I'm George.\n\n(As they continue talking, MAN3\nand KRAMER go to the elevator.)\n\nMAN3\nGood work today, K-man!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you know what they say, you\ndon't sell the steak, you sell\nthe sizzle.\n\nMAN3\nHeh, heh!\n\nKRAMER\n{You want a drink? I'm buyin'.}\n\nMAN3\nIn that case, make mine a double!\n\n(They yuck it up, getting on the\nelevator.)\n\n(Night at a restaurant. JERRY and\nGILLIAN meet.)\n\nGILLIAN\nJerry?\n\nJERRY\nGillian. Hiii..\n\nGILLIAN\nVery nice to meet you.\n\nJERRY\nIt's nice to meet you!\n\n(They're shaking hands and he notices\nhers are like a man's--nice enough,\nbut big, beefy.)\n\n(Day, at Monk's. JERRY and ELAINE\nare in a booth.)\n\nJERRY\nShe had man-hands.\n\nELAINE\n(pause) Man, Hands?\n\nJERRY\nThe hands of a man. It's like a\ncreature out of Greek Mythology,\nI mean, she was like part woman,\npart horrible beast.\n\nELAINE\n(weary) {Look,} would you, prefer\nit, if she had, no hands at all?\n\nJERRY\nWould she have hooks?\n\nELAINE\nDo uh, do hooks make it more attractive,\nJerry?\n\nJERRY\nKinda cool lookin'..\n\nELAINE\n(getting up to go) Uh.. Listen,\nyou're picking me up from my {place\ntomorrow}--\n\nJERRY\n(leaving too) Yeah. Yeah.\n\nELAINE\nOkay, I've got five, huge boxes\nof {buttons}.\n\nJERRY\nRight. Well if you need an extra\nset of hands, I know who you can\ncall--\n\nELAINE\n(weary) Jerry!\n\n(Early morning in Jerry's \"house,\"\na tea kettle is whistling. KRAMER's\ncooking breakfast as JERRY comes\nout of the bedroom,\n\ntired but surprised. He's in his\npajamas. KRAMER's wearing a suit\nand oven mitts.)\n\nJERRY\nKramer?!\n\nKRAMER\nHey buddy! Hey!\n\nJERRY\nIt--eight o'clock in the morning!\nWhat the hell is goin' on?!\n\nKRAMER\nBreakfast. I gotta be in at Brand/Leland\nby nine.\n\nJERRY\nWhy??\n\nKRAMER\nBecause I'm workin' there, that's\nwhy.\n\nJERRY\n(disoriented) How long have I been\nasleep? What--what year is this?\n\nKRAMER\nJerry. I don't know if you've noticed,\nbut lately, I've been drifting,\naimlessly?\n\nJERRY\n(snaps fingers) Now that you mention\nit.\n\nKRAMER\nBut I finally realized what's missing,\nin my life. Structure. An' at Brand/Leland,\nI'm gettin' things done. An' I\nlove the people I'm\n\nworkin' with.\n\nJERRY\nHow much are they payin' you?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, no, no, no-no--I don't want\nany pay.\n\nI'm doin' this just for me.\n\nJERRY\nReally. So uh, what do you do down\nthere all day?\n\nKRAMER\n\nT.C.B.\nYou know, takin' care o' business.\n\nAa--I gotta go.\n\nJERRY\nAll right.\n\nKRAMER\n(leaving) I'll see you tonight,\nhuh? (turning back, grabs his briefcase)\nForget my briefcase.\n\nJERRY\nW-w-wha' you got in there?\n\nKRAMER\n(as he leaves with it) Crackers.\n\n(MUSIC (Sheena Easton's \"Morning\nTrain (Nine to Five)\") accompanies\nassorted shots of working-man KRAMER:\n\nGetting on the subway (everyone\nelse is going the opposite direction).\n\nWashing his shoes at the water\ncooler.\n\nEating rolls of crackers out of\nhis briefcase.\n\nLaughing it up after hours with\nco-workers at a TGIF-type restaurant.)\n\n(JERRY at home on the phone. GEORGE\nis on the other end.)\n\nJERRY\nSo the picture worked. Amazing!\n\nGEORGE\nHey, she wants me to dress uh \"smart\ncasual.\" What uh, what is that?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, but you don't have\nit.\n\nGEORGE\nRight. Bye.\n\n(ELAINE comes in, appalled, shrugging\nat JERRY. He doesn't know why so\nshrugs back.)\n\nELAINE\nWhere were you today?\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nPick. Up.\n\nJERRY\n(whispers) Damn.\n\nELAINE\nSo? Where were you?!\n\nJERRY\nUh, here I guess, an' uh, uh I\nwent out and picked up a paper.\n\nELAINE\n(irritated, throwing down her bag)\nI had to ask Kevin, to leave his\noffice an' come an' pick me up!\n\nJERRY\nSo? What are friends for?\n\nELAINE\nYeah! An' he is a friend, Jerry.\nHe is reliable. He is considerate.\nHe's like your, exact opposite.\n\nJERRY\nSo he's Bizarro Jerry!\n\nELAINE\n(pause) Bizarro Jerry?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Like Bizarro Superman. Superman's\nexact opposite, who lives in the\nbackwards bizarro world. Up is\nDown. Down is\n\nUp. He says \"Hello\" when he leaves,\n\"Good bye\" when he arrives.\n\nELAINE\n(pause) Shouldn't he say \"Bad bye\"?\nIsn't that the, opposite of \"Good\nbye\"?\n\nJERRY\nNo. It's still a goodbye.\n\nELAINE\nUh. Does he live underwater?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nELAINE\nIs he black..\n\nJERRY\nLook. Just, forget it, {already}.\nAll right?\n\n(KRAMER enters, exhausted, frazzled.)\n\nKRAMER\nWow. Man. What a day.\n\nCould I use a drink. (starts getting\na drink and ice)\n\nJERRY\nTough day at the office?\n\nKRAMER\nJust comin' in, an' that phone\njust wouldn't stop.\n\nJERRY\nWell, we better get goin' if we're\ngonna go to that uh, seven o'clock\ncold fusion.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Well, count me out. I'm swimmin'.\nOld man Leland is bustin' my hump\nover these reports. If I don't\nget 'em done by nine,\n\nI'm toast.. ({takes a swig and\nreacts})\n\n(Exterior of cheap-looking bar\nwith neon \"V\"s on the outside.\nThen interior, it's a black-walled\ndance bar full of gorgeous\n\nwomen and GEORGE and AMANDA.)\n\nGEORGE\nThis is a fantastic place! I always\nthought it was a meat packing plant!\n\n(Three female MODELS come up to\nthem.)\n\nMODEL #1\nHey! Amanda!\n\nAMANDA\nThese are my friends. Anabelle,\nJustina, and Nikki. We used to\nmodel together.\n\nGEORGE\nOh! Modelling! What's that like?\nFun? Ha ha. (to self in head) Stupid!\nStupid! Stupid!\n\nAMANDA\nSo Nikki, uh, how was Paris this\ntime?\n\nMODEL #2\n(petulant) A bore.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, I used to love Paris.\nMy uh, dead Fianc\u00e9e, Susan.. (opening\nwallet) In fact I. think I, I may\nhave a picture of her..\n\n(shows them the picture)\n\nMODEL #3\n(awed) Wow.. She was beautiful..\nDo you wanna dance?\n\n(Exterior of a restaurant.)\n\n(Close-up of GILLIAN's man-hands\ntearing restaurant bread in half.)\n\n(GILLIAN and JERRY at a table in\na restaurant. JERRY's hiding his\nhorror of her hands.)\n\nGILLIAN\nWould you like some bread, Jerry?\n\nJERRY\nNo.. No thanks, I'm, just not hungry.\n\nGILLIAN\nWell, then at least drink your\nbeer.. (she's opening the bottle--brief\ncloseup on hands)\n\nJERRY\n(to self) Oh. Twist off..\n\nGILLIAN\nYou have a little something on\nyour face.\n\nJERRY\nI can get it. (feeling his face)\n\nGILLIAN\nEh, no-no, No-no.. You're missing\nit, it's higher. (reaches over)\n\n(A close-up of his face while a\nman-hand is getting the very small\nthing. He's uneasy.)\n\nGILLIAN\n(friendly) It's an eyelash. Make\na wish.\n\n(Closeup of his face with her outstretched\nfinger in front of him.)\n\nJERRY\nI don't want to.\n\nGILLIAN\nMake a wish.\n\nJERRY\nOkay. (closes eyes, blows on her\nfinger, opens eyes, says to self)\nDidn't come true.\n\nGILLIAN\n(smiles at him) Don't you just\nlove lobster?\n\n(Closeup of her man-hands tearing\nopen a lobster.)\n\n(Night, ELAINE and KEVIN walking\ninto Reggie's diner.)\n\nKEVIN\nThat Museum of Miniatures was amazing.\n\nELAINE\nI know, he's so tiny!\n\n(Two guys are sitting in a booth\nand KEVIN sees them, motioning\nELAINE to come along.)\n\nKEVIN\nYeah! Hey--hey guys! Elaine, sit\ndown. These are a couple o' my\nfriends. Uh, this is Gene. And\nthis guy, we.. just call\n\n\"Feldman!\"\n\n(GENE is short and bald with glasses.\nFeldman is tall and a little goofy-looking.\nELAINE sits with them.)\n\nELAINE\n(to self in head) Bizarro world..\n\n(TIME: 10:33)\n(Commercial Break)\n\n(Day, JERRY and GEORGE at Monk's.)\n\nGEORGE\n(delighted) Jerry? It was incredible!\nModels! As far as the eye could\nsee!\n\nJERRY\nThen it does exist.\n\nGEORGE\nYes. The legends are true.\n\nJERRY\nSo when are you goin' out with\nthis girl again?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm not! I'm inside the walls!\n\nJERRY\nSo you're gonna burn that bridge.\n\nGEORGE\nFlame on!\n\n(Reggie's, FELDMAN, GENE, and KEVIN\nare at a booth when ELAINE comes\nand sits with them.)\n\nGENE\n(about the check) I got it.\n\nKEVIN\n(grabs it) No. You got it last\ntime.\n\nGENE\n(calmly takes it) Don't worry about\nit.\n\nELAINE\n(to self in head) This is unbelievable..\n\nFELDMAN\nHey Elaine, what do you think of\nan alarm clock, that automatically\ntells you the weather when you\nwake up?\n\nELAINE\nWell, I gotta say that I think\nthat that is a fantastic idea,\nFeldman!\n\nFELDMAN\nNah, it's not--it's just not practical.\n\nKEVIN\n(getting up) Well. See ya later,\nElaine. Feldman an' I 'a' gotta\nget down 'o the library. (the three\nguys are leaving)\n\nELAINE\nWhat are you gonna do down there?\n\nKEVIN\nRead!\n\nELAINE\n(pause, then vaguely waves while\nwatching them leave) Hello?\n\n(At Jerry's, JERRY and KRAMER eating\nbreakfast. KRAMER's tired, preoccupied\nwith the paper, JERRY's in a blue\nrobe\n\neating cereal and orange juice.)\n\nJERRY\nSo, uh. Gillian's comin' over later.\nI think I'm gonna end it.\n\nKRAMER\nUh-huh.\n\nJERRY\nThose meaty paws, I feel like I'm\ndating George the Animal, {steer}.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah..\n\nJERRY\nMaybe I'll chain her to the refrigerator\nan' sell tickets.\n\nKRAMER\nThat's nice..\n\nJERRY\nKramer, put the paper down! You\nnever listen to me anymore! We\nhardly even talk!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, we're, talkin' now, aren't\nwe?--\n\nJERRY\nI sit here for twenty lousy minutes\nin the morning--\n\nKRAMER\nOh here we go--\n\nJERRY\nAn' then when you come home at\nnight, you're always exhausted--we\nnever do anything anymore!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat are you starting with me for?\nYou know this is my crazy time\no' year?!\n\nJERRY\n(pause) It's your third day..\n\nKRAMER\n(grabs briefcase to leave) I gotta\ngo to work. We'll talk about this\nlater. (leaves)\n\nJERRY\nWell.\n\n(calling down the hall) Call if\nyou're gonna be late!\n\n(ELAINE's arrived.)\n\nELAINE\nWhat? What is goin' on with you\ntwo?\n\nJERRY\nOh, I don't wanna talk about it..\n\nELAINE\nAll right, listen. Have you seen\nmy addre-- (sees address book on\ncounter) --ah! There it is. Okay.\nI got it. I'll see you later.\n\n(LEAVING)\n\nJERRY\nHey! Wait! Wait! Wait a second!\nWhere you goin'? I-I hardly ever\nsee you anymore.\n\nELAINE\n(stops, pause) Well, I.\n\n(a little ashamed) I guess I been\nat Reggie's..\n\nJERRY\nThe Bizarro coffeeshop?\n\nELAINE\nKevin and his friends are nice\npeople! They do good things. They\nread..\n\nJERRY\nI read.\n\nELAINE\nBooks, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\n(pause) Oh.\n\nBig deal..\n\nELAINE\nWell! I can't spend the rest of\nmy life coming into this stinking\napartment every ten minutes to\npore over the, excruciating\n\nminutia, of every, single, daily\nevent..\n\nJERRY\n{What's goin' on,} like yesterday,\nI go to the bank to make a deposit,\nan' the teller gives me this look,\nlike--\n\nELAINE\nI'll see you later man. I gotta\ngo.\n\nJERRY\n(frustrated, to self) The whole\nsystem is breakin' down!\n\n(GEORGE in his bathroom, drying\nhis hair, looking at Gillian's\npicture. In the background, on\na door, is a poster of a closeup\nof\n\nDennis Franz in black and white.\nThe phone rings and GEORGE puts\nthe picture and blow-drier together\non the side of the\n\nsink--the dryer's still running.)\n\nGEORGE\nHello?\n\nAmanda. Hi, yes. Listen. You know,\nI'm thinkin', we might just be\nbetter of bein' friends.\n\nYeah.\n\nYeah, you know what, I can't even\nreally talk about it right now.\n\nBye-bye. (hangs up)\n\n(happy with himself, but then sees\nthe burned up photo) No! No!\n\n(At Jerry's, JERRY and GILLIAN.)\n\nGILLIAN\nFriends. Just friends.\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGILLIAN\nYeah.\n\nAll right. Well, do you still want\nto see a movie later?\n\nJERRY\nI wish I could, but, we're friends..\n\nGILLIAN\nI'm just gonna go, wash my hands.\n\nJERRY\nGood idea. (phone's ringing, goes\nto it)\n\n(muttering) There's a beach towel\non the rack..\n\n(to phone) Yeah.\n\nGEORGE\n(frantic) Jerry! Jerry, muh--muh--my\nhair-dryer ruined the picture!\nAn' I need another one or I can't\nget back into the\n\nforbidden city!\n\nJERRY\n(to drive him crazy) Who is this..\n\nGEORGE\nJerry! I need you to get another\npicture of man-hands. I'm beggin'\nyou!\n\nJERRY\n(pause) If I get it for you, will\nyou take me to that club an' show\nme a good time?\n\nGEORGE\nYes! Yes, all right--anything!\n\n(JERRY looks toward the bathroom--GILLIAN's\ntaking forever--she's got quite\na job there. He opens her purse\nand peeks\n\naround in it. Close-up of his hand\ngetting the picture.)\n\nJERRY\nGot it. (but now a man-hand grabs\nhis arm) Uh!\n\n(Jerry's house, it's dark, JERRY\nis sitting at the table waiting\nup as KRAMER comes in and turns\non the light.)\n\nKRAMER\nJerry. Hey Jerry?\n\nJERRY\nI'm right here. (note: he has an\nathletic bandage on his right hand)\n\nYou're late.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well, I got held up, you\nknow. What happened to your hand?\n\nJERRY\nLike you care.\n\nKRAMER\nThe work piled up, I lost track\nof time--\n\nJERRY\n(calmly getting up with plate of\nchicken) Oh! Sure! Sure! You an'\nyour work! Elaine's off in the\nBizarro World, George only\n\ncalls when he wants something,\nan' I'm left sitting here like\nthis plate of cold chicken, which,\nby the way, (drops chicken into\n\nsink) was, for two.\n\nKRAMER\nYou cooked?\n\nJERRY\n(calm) I ordered in. It's still\neffort.\n\nKRAMER\n(in pain) Ow! Jeez!\n\nJERRY\nWhat's wrong?\n\nKRAMER\n{Ow!} It's my stomach.\n\nJERRY\nYou're probably gettin' an ulcer.\nThis job is killing you! It's killing\nUs.\n\nKRAMER\n(putting briefcase down) You know\nwhat? You're right. These reports,\nthey can wait a couple of hours.\nWhadda say we go out\n\ntonight? Any place you want.\n\nJERRY\nThe coffeeshop?\n\nKRAMER\nYou got it, buddy.\n\nJERRY\n(pleased) I'll call George!\n\n(Night exterior. GEORGE, JERRY,\nand KRAMER walking down the street.\nDown the sidewalk is ELAINE coming\nout of a\n\nshop by a liquor store.)\n\nJERRY\nHey. Isn't that Elaine?\n\nGEORGE\n(quiet, desperate) Maybe she can\nget me another picture of man-hands.\n\n(calling) Elaine!\n\nJERRY\nElaine!\n\nKRAMER\nElaine!\n\nALL THREE\nElaine! Elaine!\n\n(ELAINE finally notices them, but\nsuddenly from the other direction,\nthree other guys are coming: GENE,\nKEVIN, and\n\nFELDMAN.)\n\nKEVIN\nHey! Elaine!\n\nHi-i! Over here!\n\n(Eerie music as ELAINE looks one\nway, then the other. All the MEN\ncontinue walking toward her. They\nall meet by her. To\n\nthe left of ELAINE are KEVIN, GENE,\nand FELDMAN. To the right of her\nare KRAMER, GEORGE, and JERRY.\nIt's like\n\na bizarre mirroring.)\n\nELAINE\nJerry.. George, Kramer.. This is\nKevin, Gene.. and Feldman.\n\n(The MEN murmur \"How ya doin'..\",\n\"Good to meet you..\")\n\nJERRY\n(quietly crept out) This is really\nweird..\n\n(KRAMER's drinking--a bottle of\nPepto Bismol.)\n\nELAINE\n(diplomatically to KEVIN, GENE,\nand FELDMAN) Could you guys excuse\nus, just for a moment.\n\nKEVIN\nSure. (strolls away with his friends)\n\nELAINE\n(pause) Thanks. (to JERRY, GEORGE,\nand KRAMER) What.. what do you\nguys want..\n\nGEORGE\nElaine, I got to have another picture\nof Gillian.\n\nJERRY\nI tried to get him one but Man-Hands\nalmost ripped my arm out of the\nsocket!\n\n(While the three argue briefly,\nELAINE looks over to see where\nKEVIN and FRIENDS are. They are\nfriendly giving a beggar\n\nmoney.)\n\nKEVIN\n{Here ya are.}\n\nELAINE\n(pause, turns back to JERRY et\nal.) Guys. I gotta go.\n\nTake it easy.\n\n(GEORGE tentatively follows her\na couple steps.)\n\nGEORGE\nElaine?\n\n(she turns, sighing)\n\nCan I come?\n\nELAINE\nI'm, I'm sorry.. We've already\ngot a George..\n\n(KEVIN, GENE, and FELDMAN cheerily/nicely\nturn to ELAINE as she joins them.\nThey all go on companionably. JERRY,\n\nGEORGE, and KRAMER look on awkwardly.)\n\n(Day, interior of Brand/Leland,\nKRAMER's in LELAND's office. LELAND's\na greying man.)\n\nKRAMER\nWhat did you want to see me about,\nMr. Leland?\n\nLELAND\nKramer, I've.. been reviewing your\nwork.. Quite frankly, it stinks.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I ah.. been havin' trouble\nat home and uh.. I mean, ah, you\nknow, I'll work harder, nights,\nweekends, whatever it takes..\n\nLELAND\nNo, no, I don't think that's going\nto, do it, uh. These reports you\nhanded in. It's almost as if you\nhave no business training at all..\n\nI don't know what this is supposed\nto be!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I'm uh, just--tryin' to get\nahead..\n\nLELAND\nWell, I'm sorry. There's just no\nway that we could keep you on.\n\nKRAMER\nI don't even really work here!\n\nLELAND\nThat's what makes this so difficult.\n\n(Night, GEORGE at the forbidden\ncity.)\n\nGEORGE\nHi. George.\n\nMODEL #4\nAre you sure you're supposed to\nbe here?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, yeah. Yeah. I used to come\nhere all the time with my fianc\u00e9e,\nback when it was a meat-packing\nplant. Ha. Here's her\n\npicture. (hands her a magazine\npage)\n\nMODEL #4\nWhat'd you do? Cut this out of\na magazine or something?\n\nGEORGE\nHuh?\n\nMODEL #5\nThat's me? It's from a Clinique\nad I did..\n\nGEORGE\nHa! Heh.\n\n(Muscled BOUNCER comes up.)\n\nBOUNCER\nLet's go. Private party. (escorts\nhim out)\n\n(Night, Kevin's apartment. The\ndoorbell rings. KEVIN gets up to\nget it. GENE is reading on the\ncouch. The apartment layout\n\nand furniture is the reverse of\nJerry's--what's to the left in\nJerry's is to the right at Kevin's.\nAlso, Kevin's furnishings have\nmore\n\nearth tones.)\n\nKEVIN\nWho is it?\n\nELAINE\n(off-camera) It's Lainey!\n\nKEVIN\n(unlocks, opens door)\n\nHi Elaine! (warmly hugs her)\n\nELAINE\nHi {?}. Oh! Oh-oh-oh-oh!\n\nKEVIN\nCome on in!\n\nELAINE\nOkay. Hi Gene! (comfortably tosses\nher bag to the left, it falls on\nthe floor) Uh-ha! (smiling, picks\nup her bag, puts it on a chair\n\nthat's to the right)\n\n(As KEVIN gets back to reading,\nELAINE looks around, noting how\neverything is the reverse. There's\na unicycle on the wall.\n\nThere's a bookcase near the couch.\nShe goes to the kitchen. He has\nwhole foods, not cereal boxes.)\n\nELAINE\nWhat's up?\n\nKEVIN\n(friendly) Just reading..\n\n(ELAINE decides to make herself\nat home, opens the refrigerator\nand starts eating olives out of\na jar, with her fingers. In the\n\nliving room area, KEVIN is looking\nat her. Note: a statue of Bizarro\nSuperman on a stereo speaker.)\n\nKEVIN\nHey.. What're you doing?\n\nELAINE\nEatin' olives.\n\nKEVIN\nHave you ever heard of asking?\n(door bell rings)\n\nWho is it?\n\nFELDMAN\n(off-screen) Feldman..\n\nFrom across the hall.\n\nKEVIN\n(drops his suspicion and smiles,\ngoes to door) Hold on. (unlocks\nand opens door)\n\nHey.\n\nFELDMAN\nHe-ey, Kevin!\n\nKEVIN\nHi.\n\nFELDMAN\nLook who I ran into.\n\n(VARGUS, a heavy Fed-Ex guy comes\ninto view in the hall.)\n\nVARGUS\n(testy) Hello, Kevin..\n\nKEVIN\n(testy) Hello, Vargus..\n\n(They both break into grins, chuckling--it\nwas a joke.)\n\nKEVIN\nYa wanna catch a ballgame this\nweekend?\n\nVARGUS\nGreat! I'll see ya later! (leaves)\n\nKEVIN\nOkay. (to self, smiling) Vargus..\n\n(to FELDMAN) {So?}\n\nFELDMAN\nI got 'em..\n\nKEVIN\nAll right! Hey, Elaine, Feldman\nwas able to get us all tickets\nto the Bolshoi!\n\nELAINE\nOh! (comes to him)\n\nKEVIN\n(enthused) Fourth row, center.\n\nELAINE\nGet out! (pushes him back, but\nhe falls back on the floor!)\n\n(GENE and FELDMAN rush to KEVIN,\nwho's hurt!)\n\nGENE\n(to ELAINE) What is the matter\nwith you?\n\nELAINE\nOh, Kevin! I'm so sorry. Is there\nanything I can do?\n\nGENE?\nHaven't you done enough already?\n\n(Embarrassed, she grabs her bag\nand tries to leave. But the locks\nare set and the rape chain's in\nplace. She tries to undo the\n\nlocks.)\n\nELAINE\n(turning to them, awkward) It's\nlocked..\n\n(The meat-packing plant. GEORGE\nand JERRY are walking around. The\nwalls are still black, but there's\nno furniture and there\n\nare sides of beef hanging on hooks,\nsawdust on the floor. They are\nthe only people there. GEORGE is\ndismayed, and bumps\n\ninto a side of beef in his distraction.)\n\nJERRY\nSo this is it, huh?\n\nGEORGE\nBut it--eh.. It was here, I'm tellin'\nyou, an' w--w--it was really here!\nThe, there was, a, bar, and a,\nan' a dance floor..\n\nJERRY\n(dry) I guess the DJ booth was\nover there behind the bone saw?\n\n(really disappointed) Get out of\nhere George.\n\n(Shot of their feet in the sawdust\nas they walk out. There is the\nmagazine photo GEORGE had brought\nthere the previous night.)\n\n(TIME: 10:52)\n(Commercial Break)\n\n(Day, exterior of an apartment\nbuilding. As credits run, the familiar\nSeinfeld interlude music, but done\nvia corny \"Brady\n\nBunch\"-esque sound effects.)\n\n(Interior of Kevin's apartment.\nGENE and KEVIN are talking.)\n\nGENE\nAt work today, I discovered there's\na payphone in the lobby that has\nfree long distance.\n\nKEVIN\nOh, so what did you do?\n\nGENE\nI called the phone company an'\nimmediately reported the error.\n\nKEVIN\nNice.\n\n(doorbell rings)\n\nWho is it?\n\nFELDMAN\n(off-screen) Feldman..\n\nFrom across the hall.\n\nKEVIN\n(smiles, relieved) Hold on.\n\n(GENE's arranging fruit as KEVIN\ngoes to unlock and open the door.\nFELDMAN's carrying two paper bags\nof groceries.)\n\nFELDMAN\nKevin! Brought some groceries.\n\nKEVIN\nAgain?! Feldman, you didn't have\nto do that!\n\nFELDMAN\nHey, what are friends for?\n\nKEVIN\nYou know, I may not say this enough\nbut you two are about the best\nfriends a guy could have.\n\n(They have a long smarmy group\nhug.)\n\nKEVIN\n(eyes closed in hug) Oh.\n\nMe so happy. Me want to cry.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Little-Kicks.html",
    "text": "THE LITTLE KICKS\n\nWritten by\n\nSpike Feresten\n\n(Jerry and Kramer walking down the street. Jerry is closest to\nthe street.)\n\nKRAMER\nI wouldn't walk over there.\n\nJERRY\nWhy not?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's the most dangerous part of the\nsidewalk. Cab hops a curb, wap! You've\n\nhad your last egg sandwich.\n\nJERRY\nWhat about over there? You know air\nconditioners fall out all the time.\n\nKRAMER\nI'd much rather get hit by an 80 pound\nair conditioner than a two ton cab.\n\nJERRY\nNo, cab's comin' in right here (Hand\nat waist) Set of plastic hips,\n\nprosthetic legs, and a monkey to answer the door, I'm back in\nbusiness.\n\nKRAMER\nMuch rather take it to the head, Like\nI did in '79.\n\nJERRY\nYou were livin' in the village then,\nright?\n\nKRAMER\nDon't really remember.\n\nELAINE\n(Showing fingernails) Toxic waste green.\n\nJERRY\nThat is disgusting.\n\nELAINE\nYou know, revulsion has now become a\nvalid form of attraction.\n\nJERRY\nWell, then you're drivin' me wild.\n\nELAINE\nI had 'em done for the big Peterman\nbash I'm throwin'.\n\nJERRY\n(George enters) Oh, why you havin' a\nparty?\n\nELAINE\nI drive my people hard, and then I reward\nthem.\n\nJERRY\nLike with dogs.\n\nELAINE\nExactly.\n\nGEORGE\nParty?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nFood?\n\nELAINE\nUh huh.\n\nGEORGE\nBar?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nGeorge?\n\nJERRY\nHe's gonna show up anyway.\n\nELAINE\nGeorge, I just don't want you interfering.\n\nGEORGE\nHow could I possibly interfere?\n\nJERRY\nIsn't that what Jack Ruby said?\n\nGEORGE\n(Eating) Oh yeah. These are fantastic,\nfantastic. (To server) You know,\n\nI'd love to get a jump on the next batch, where do you come out?\n(Server leaves)\n\n(To Anna) She's been ignoring this section all night. Quesadilla?\n\nANNA\nNo thanks.\n\nGEORGE\nMy name is George.\n\nANNA\nAnna. I don't recall seeing you around\nthe office. Do you work in the mail\n\nroom?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I'm a friend of Elaine Benes.\n\nANNA\nOh. Excuse me. (She leaves)\n\nGEORGE\nSo...\n\nMAN\nHow 'bout leading us in a toast?\n\nELAINE\nOh sure. Hey guys, I wanna make a toast.\nUm... Here's to us who wish us\n\nwell, and those who don't can go to hell... All right, who's\ndancin'? C'mon, who's\n\ndancin'? You want me to get it started? I'll get it started.\nWhew! (She dances)\n\nGEORGE\nSweet Fancy Moses!\n\nKRAMER\nYou get the tickets?\n\nJERRY\nWho wants two? Special sneak preview\nof Death Blow.\n\nKRAMER\nDeath Blow: When someone tries to blow\nyou up, not because of who you are,\n\nbut for different reasons altogether. (Jerry buzzes up George)\nJerry, do you think\n\nyou can get an extra ticket for my friend Brody?\n\nJERRY\nKramer, do you know what I had to go\nthrough to get these?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I know, but he's a big fan of\nthe genre. You know I'd consider it\na\n\npersonal favor to me.\n\nJERRY\nYeah I guess I do owe you.\n\nKRAMER\nUh, listen, do you want me to stay here\nuntil George gets up?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I'm okay.\n\nKRAMER\nThere's no problem, really.\n\nJERRY\nI'm fine. (George enters, Kramer exits)\nHow was the party?\n\nGEORGE\nFood was good.\n\nJERRY\nSo I didn't miss anything?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, actually you did miss one nugget\nof entertainment. (Pause) Have you\n\never seen Elaine dance?\n\nJERRY\nElaine danced?\n\nGEORGE\nIt was more like a full bodied dry heave\nset to music.\n\nJERRY\nDid she do the little kicks and the\nthumbs?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, you mean you know about this?\n\nJERRY\nFor some time. It was about five years\nago. I never knew what to say to her\n\nabout it. It was one of those problems I hoped would just go\naway.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, sometimes you can't help these\npeople 'til they hit rock bottom.\n\nJERRY\nAnd by then you've lost interest.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, you gotta take a ride with me later.\nI borrowed my father's car. '68\n\nGTO.\n\nJERRY\nWhat made him get that thing?\n\nGEORGE\nDuring that period when my folks were\nseparated he went a little crazy.\n\nJERRY\nNot a very long trip. (Enter Kramer)\n\nKRAMER\nBrody's in.\n\nJERRY\nI don't even have the extra ticket yet.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you better get on the horn.\n\nELAINE\nI'm tellin' you Jerry I'm gettin' a\nvibe. If I didn't know better, I'd say\n\nthe staff completely lost respect for me. (Staff mocks her dancing\nin the\n\nbackground)\n\nJERRY\nHow could that be?\n\nELAINE\nJerry, it's like the feeling is palpable.\nYou think it could have something\n\nto do with the party?\n\nJERRY\nNo, George was there, he said he had\na great time.\n\nELAINE\nOh, it's George. I bet you this is somehow\nGeorge related.\n\nJERRY\nOh, what are you talkin' about?\n\nELAINE\nHe's like a virus. He attaches himself\nto a healthy host company, and the\n\nnext thing you know, the entire staff's infected.\n\nJERRY\nNow you're talkin' crazy!\n\nELAINE\nAll right, Jerry, if that's not what\nit is, you tell me. What is it?\n\nJERRY\n(Makes sound) Oh there's my call waiting,\nI gotta get goin'.\n\nANNA\nYou have a minute to approve some copy?\n\nELAINE\nOh yeah, sure, sure. So, did ya have\na good time at the party last night?\n\nANNA\nIt was a real... kick.\n\nELAINE\nHey, did you happen to speak to my friend\nGeorge?\n\nANNA\nAs a matter of fact I did.\n\nELAINE\nAh hah. Well, listen. You would be wise\nto keep your distance from him.\n\nANNA\nWhy? He seems harmless.\n\nELAINE\nOh he's not. He's very harmful.\n\nANNA\nReally?\n\nELAINE\nOh trust me. He's a bad seed. He's a\nhorrible seed. He's one of the worst\n\nseeds I've ever seen.\n\nANNA\nAnd you two are friends?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, we're good friends.\n\nGEORGE\nSo this Anna called me from out of the\nblue.\n\nJERRY\nReally? I thought you were rebuffed.\n\nGEORGE\nWith extreme prejudice.\n\nJERRY\nMaybe Elaine put in a good word for\nyou.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no. That's just the thing. Anna\ntold me that Elaine said I was one of\n\nthe worst seeds she'd ever seen.\n\nJERRY\nInteresting. She doesn't care for you,\nthen a stern warning, suddenly a\n\nphone call. Seems Elaine's made you the bad boy. And Anna digs\nthe bad boy.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm the bad boy. I've never been the\nbad boy.\n\nJERRY\nYou've been the bad employee, the bad\nson, the bad friend...\n\nGEORGE\nYes, yes...\n\nJERRY\nThe bad fianc\u00e9', the bad dinner guest,\nthe bad credit risk...\n\nGEORGE\nOkay, the point is made.\n\nJERRY\nThe bad date, the bad sport, the bad\ncitizen... (looks at table as George\n\nexits) The bad tipper!\n\nJERRY\nHalf of show business is here.\n\nKRAMER\nThere's Brody. Brody! Over here.\n\nBRODY\nHey Kramer. And you must be Jerry. Thanks\nfor the ticket.\n\nJERRY\nThat's quite a feed bag you're workin'\non there.\n\nBRODY\nIt's for all of us. Is there a problem?\n\nKRAMER\nBrody, c'mon. He's just kidding. He's\na joke maker. Tell him, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nI'm a joke maker.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, here we go, Death Blow. (Brody\ntakes out video camera)\n\nJERRY\n(To Kramer) Hey, hey, what the hell\nis he doing?\n\nKRAMER\nRelax, he does that all the time.\n\nJERRY\nDoes what?\n\nKRAMER\nHe's making a copy of the movie for\nsale on the street, huh?\n\nJERRY\nMay I see you outside for a moment please?\n\nKRAMER\nBut I want to--\n\nJERRY\nOutside!\n\nELAINE\nHey, have you seen Anna?\n\nWORKER\nUh, she just went to meet your friend\nGeorge.\n\nELAINE\nTo meet George? I knew it. Where did\nthey go?\n\nWORKER\nThe park, why?\n\nELAINE\nDon't you see? George is in the bloodstream!\nYou stay away from him, too!\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you mean he's bootlegging the\nmovie?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, it's a perfectly legitimate business.\n\nJERRY\nIt's not legitimate.\n\nKRAMER\nIt's a business.\n\nJERRY\nWhere did you meet this guy?\n\nKRAMER\nHe's a friend of a friend. You know\nCorky Ramarez up on 94th Street? One\nday he and I are playing Pinochle--\n\nJERRY\nKramer. (boom sound)\n\nKRAMER\nMan, we're missin' the Death Blow!\n\nJERRY\nI don't believe this. (They run into\ntheater)\n\nANNA\nYou know I'm not supposed to be talking\nto you.\n\nGEORGE\nNo one's putting a gun to your head.\nDo I, uh, scare you?\n\nANNA\nNo... a little. Nice car.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, she's a sweet ride.\n\nANNA\nIs that your orthopedic back pillow?\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe.\n\nANNA\nWell is it or isn't it?\n\nGEORGE\nGuess not.\n\nELAINE\n(To George) Stay away from her.\n\nGEORGE\nI didn't do nothin'.\n\nELAINE\n(To Anna) Get in the car.\n\nANNA\nBut...\n\nELAINE\nYou heard me young lady, get in the\ncar. (To George) And you, you should\nknow better. I don't want you infecting\nmy staff.\n\nGEORGE\nLighten up.\n\nKRAMER\nGo get 'em, Death Blow! (To Brody) You\nokay?\n\nBRODY\nUh, I got a cramp.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, it's no wonder. You ate that entire\nbag of candy.\n\nBRODY\nUh, there it goes again. Kramer, you\ngotta drive me home.\n\nJERRY\nHey, what is going on over there?\n\nBRODY\nJerry, finish shooting the movie for\nme.\n\nJERRY\nAre you nuts? There's no way I'm holding\nthat thing.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, if the man is in pain...\n\nJERRY\nYeah well, maybe if he didn't lick his\nfingers before he reached in the bag\nwe would've eaten some. Serves him right.\n\nBRODY\n(pulls out a gun) What are you some\nkind of tough guy?\n\nKRAMER\nOkay. Let's everybody just relax. Jerry,\ntake the camera.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, I'm takin' the camera.\n\nKRAMER\n(To Brody) C'mon, let's go.\n\nJERRY\nOh man...\n\nKRAMER\nHey man, so how was the rest of Death\nBlow?\n\nJERRY\nHow was the rest of Death Blow?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, who got the final Death Blow,\n'cause I thought that Hawaiian guy had\nit comin' to him!\n\nJERRY\nKramer, you make me get a ticket for\nthis friend of yours and then the guy\nforces me to bootleg the movie at gun\npoint!\n\nKRAMER\nHe's quite a character, isn't he?\n\nJERRY\nYou know, he came by here at 3 o'clock\nin the morning to pick up the tape.\nI was scared out of my mind!\n\nKRAMER\nI got it. Yep.\n\nBRODY\nBrody.\n\nKRAMER\nCome on up. It's Brody.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you, crazy? I don't want to\nsee this guy again.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, you did him a favor. He probably\nwants to come up and thank you.\n\nJERRY\nWhat if I didn't do it right?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's your first time. He'll understand.\n\nJERRY\nPeople with guns don't understand. That's\nwhy they get guns. Too many\n\nmisunderstandings.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Brody!\n\nJERRY\nHi.\n\nBRODY\nJerry, I have to talk to you about the\ntape.\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nBRODY\nI've never seen such beautiful work.\nYou're a genius. The zoom-ins, the\n\nframing. I was enchanted.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I did the best I could.\n\nBRODY\nI got another project for you. It's\na movie called Cry Cry Again. I was\ngonna give it to one of my other guys,\nbut it's an arty movie and quite frankly,\nthey don't have the sensibility.\n\nBRODY\nMay I use your phone?\n\nKRAMER\nUh yeah. It's under the couch.\n\nKRAMER\nLook at you! You've got another gig!\n\nJERRY\nI don't want another gig! I'm not doin'\nthis.\n\nKRAMER\nBut you have a gift. Jerry, this is\nnot your little comedy act. We're\n\ntalkin' feature films.\n\nJERRY\nWe're talkin' federal crime here.\n\nBRODY\n(To Jerry) I'll expect that tape by\nthree o'clock tomorrow. (To Kramer)\nMay I borrow this? (Holding baseball\nbat)\n\nKRAMER\nSure, do you need a glove?\n\nBRODY\nNah.\n\nWORKER\nI pressed through the rushes and there,\nthe native dancers whirled before me:\nlimbs flailing, arms akimbo, feet kicking\nup dust... (All workers laugh)\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nANNA\nSorry, I got hung up.\n\nELAINE\nAt Yankee Stadium?\n\nANNA\nThis? It's mine.\n\nELAINE\nOh really? 'Cause it looks a little\nbig for you. It looks like something\na short, stocky, slow-witted, bald man\nmight wear.\n\nANNA\nHe's not stocky.\n\nELAINE\nWho did that? Who did that?!?\n\nKRAMER\n(laughing) The French guy fell off the\nbike. Oh man, that's precious. (eats\npopcorn)\n\nJERRY\nNo, no, no, no, no, no, no! What were\nyou thinking when you shot this?\n\nKRAMER\nThat's fine.\n\nJERRY\nDo you even know what this scene is\nabout?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's about a guy buying a loaf of bread.\n\nJERRY\nNo, bread is his soul. He's trying to\nbuy back a loaf of his soul.\n\n(Gesturing taking a loaf of bread.)\n\nKRAMER\nWha? Where?\n\nJERRY\nKramer there is no way you're giving\nthis tape to Brody and telling him I\nshot it.\n\nKRAMER\nNah, he's not going to know the difference.\n\nJERRY\nI don't care about Brody. I was up on\n96th Street today, there was a kid couldn't\nhave been more than ten years old. He\nwas asking a street vendor if he had\nany other bootlegs as good as Death\nBlow. That's who I care about. The little\nkid who needs bootlegs, because his\nparent or guardian won't let him see\nthe excessive violence and strong sexual\ncontent you and I take for granted.\n\nKRAMER\nSo you'll do the movie? (Jerry watches\nthe movie Kramer shot)\n\nJERRY\nI have to. But I'm gonna need to storyboard\nthis whole thing. Where are my magic\nmarkers?\n\nKRAMER\nRight here. (Elaine enters)\n\nELAINE\nWell, I have lost complete control of\nmy staff. Why did I let George go to\nthat party? I mean, we were having so\nmuch fun. We were wining, we were dining,\nwe were dancing. (She starts dancing,\nKramer flips out) What?\n\nKRAMER\n(He shows her) This umpf thing.\n\nELAINE\nIt's dancing.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no. That ain't dancing, Sally.\n\nELAINE\nI dance fine.\n\nKRAMER\nYou stink. (He exits)\n\nELAINE\nHe doesn't know what he's talkin' about.\n(Jerry fake laughs) Jer? Jerry, I'm\na good dancer, right?\n\nJERRY\nI forgot to make my bed. (He tries to\nget away)\n\nELAINE\nJerry, do I stink?\n\nJERRY\nAll right, you're beyond stink.\n\nELAINE\nBut I really enjoy dancing.\n\nJERRY\nAnd that's not helpin' either. That's\nwhy you're havin' trouble with your\nstaff, not because of George.\n\nELAINE\nIt's that bad?\n\nJERRY\nHave you ever seen yourself? (She starts\ndancing) Ah, ah, please, please. Not\nin my home. I gotta go throw this stuff\nin the laundry. I'll be right back.\n\n(Elaine sees video camera)\n\nVOICE\nI have George Costanza still holding.\n\nELAINE\nGeorge, hi. I have Anna here. There's\nsomething I wanna say to both of you.\n\nGEORGE\nYo, Anna.\n\nANNA\nHi, George. What're you up to?\n\nGEORGE\n(Ironing) You don't wanna know.\n\nELAINE\nUh, well, listen. I feel really horrible\nabout trying to keep you two apart and\nI just wanted to apologize.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat're you talkin' about?\n\nELAINE\nWell, George, I just want you to hear\nme say to Anna that you're a good and\ndecent person.\n\nGEORGE\nPick up the phone, Elaine. Pick it up!\n\nELAINE\nI never should have given Anna the impression--\n\nGEORGE\nPick it up, pick it up!\n\nELAINE\n--that you're a bad seed, I mean, you're\na fine seed.\n\nGEORGE\nElaine, get off the speaker! (Elaine\npicks up phone)\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nYou are ruinin' everything.\n\nELAINE\nI'm trying to help. Why are you being\nso difficult?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. More\nof that, difficult. I'm a\n\ndifficult seed.\n\nELAINE\nGeorge, I don't have time for this.\nUh, Anna, do you wanna talk to George?\n\nANNA\nUm, no, I don't think so.\n\nELAINE\nNo, she doesn't want to. Okay, bye,\nGeorge. We'll see ya.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm a bad man!\n\nBRODY\nSo where's the tape?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I didn't shoot this one. I'm just\nscouting the location.\n\nBRODY\nI need the tape.\n\nJERRY\nYou'll get your tape. But here's what\nI'm gonna need. I'm gonna need three\ncameras, two on the floor, one in the\nbalcony. And I want headsets for the\nguys runnin' 'em. I wanna be able to\ntalk to 'em.\n\nBRODY\nAre you out of your mind?\n\nJERRY\nKramer...\n\nKRAMER\nI know, Jerry. It's okay. (Jerry steps\naside) Yeah, look, Brody. Uh,\n\nJerry wants to do the bootleg. He's dyin' to do it. But if you\ndon't make him\n\nhappy, the work suffers. And then, nobody's happy.\n\nBRODY\nJust shoot the damn thing so I can get\nit out on the street!\n\nJERRY\nAll right. That's it, I can't work like\nthis.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry...\n\nJERRY\nI'm off the project. (He exits)\n\nKRAMER\nJerry!\n\nBRODY\nI want the tape.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I'm the good boy again. Can you\nbelieve that?\n\nJERRY\nThey think they can get anyone to shoot\nthese bootlegs.\n\nGEORGE\nAnna actually has respect for me now.\nIt's all over.\n\nJERRY\nEh, the whole business has changed.\nIt's all about money now. The sad thing\n\nis it's the kids that suffer. (Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nListen, man. You gotta shoot this movie\nfor me. Brody, he's a reasonable man,\nbut he's insane!\n\nJERRY\nKramer, I'm not doin' this anymore.\nI don't know what I was thinking. It's\nillegal, it's dangerous...\n\nGEORGE\nDid you say dangerous?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm a bootlegger.\n\nANNA\nYou're a what?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm bootleggin' a movie, baby!\n\nANNA\nIsn't that illegal?\n\nGEORGE\nI can do hard time for this one. And\ncommunity service!\n\nANNA\nIs this your FiberCon?\n\nGEORGE\n(Takes it and throws it out window)\nGet outta my way!\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, George got arrested.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. He went at the Beekman, he tried\nto land, but they cheesed him.\n\nJERRY\nOh now I see. (Buzzer) Yeah.\n\nBRODY\nBrody, I'm comin' up.\n\nJERRY\nWhat're we gonna do?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I gotta give him something. Come\non, where's that tape I shot?\n\nJERRY\nI think that's it. (They play it and\nsee Elaine dancing) Sweet fancy Moses!\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, she taped over the whole ending!\n(Brody enters)\n\nBRODY\nWhere's the tape?\n\nJERRY\nUh, well. It, uh...\n\nBRODY\nIs that it?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, yeah, yeah. Here it is, Brody. One\ncopy of Cry Cry Again.\n\nBRODY\nHow'd it turn out?\n\nKRAMER + JERRY\nUh... great.\n\nKRAMER\nAlthough the whole story kinda comes\napart at the end there.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, out of nowhere there's this lone\ndancer who appears to be injured.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, it's a disturbing image.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, so you cry... and when you see\nthe dancer, you cry again.\n\nANNA\n(George is crying) It's all right, George.\nYou'll just pay a fine and\n\nthat'll be it.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy did the policeman have to yell at\nme like that? (Elaine enters)\n\nELAINE\nAnna...\n\nANNA\nOh, Elaine, thanks for picking me up.\nI can explain everything.\n\nELAINE\nAll right. Well, we'll talk about it\ntomorrow at the office. (Mr. Costanza\n\nenters)\n\nFRANK\nOkay, where's my boy?\n\nGEORGE\nOh my God.\n\nFRANK\nI'm sitting at home, reading a periodical,\nand this is the call I get? My son is\na bootlegger? (He hits George in the\nhead)\n\nGEORGE\nOw! Dad...\n\nFRANK\nWho put you up to this, was it her?\n\nELAINE\nAll right. Wait a minute. I think you've\ngot it backwards.\n\nFRANK\nMy George isn't clever enough to hatch\na scheme like this.\n\nELAINE\nYou got that right.\n\nFRANK\nWhat the hell does that mean?\n\nELAINE\nIt means whatever the hell you want\nit to mean.\n\nFRANK\nYou sayin' you want a piece of me?\n\nELAINE\nI could drop you like a bag of dirt.\n\nFRANK\nYou wanna piece of me? You got it! (They\nbegin to fight)\n\nJERRY\nBut he's an old man, Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nWell, he wrote the check, and I cashed\nit.\n\nJERRY\n(Seeing a street vendor) Hey, it's the\nbootlegged Death Blow that I shot.\n\nELAINE\nOh, Cry Cry Again, I wanna see that.\n\nJERRY\nNo you don't.\n\nMAN\nYou shot Death Blow?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nMAN\nThat was brilliant.\n\nJERRY\nThank you. (They continue walking)\n\nELAINE\nYou were big.\n\nJERRY\nI'm still big. It's the bootlegs that\ngot small. So how are things at the\n\noffice? Back to normal?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, pretty much. Although I still\nget the vibe every once in a while.\n\nJERRY\nI wouldn't worry about it. (People on\nsidewalk behind them are doing her dance\nas they go)\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Package.html",
    "text": "THE PACKAGE\n\nWritten by\n\nJennifer Crittenden\n\n(Elaine at the doctor's)\n\nATTENDANT\nThe doctor will be with you in a moment.\n\n(Elaine looking at her chart)\n\nELAINE\nDifficult ?\n\nDOCTOR\nElaine. You shouldn't be reading that.\nSo tell me about this rash of yours.\n\nELAINE\nWell it's, it's..... You know I noticed\nthat somebody wrote in my chart that I was\ndifficult in January of 92 and I have to tell\nyou that I remember that appointment exactly.\nYou see this nurse asked me to put a gown\non but it was a mole on my shoulder and I\nspecifically wore a tank top so I wouldn't have\nto put a gown on. You know they're made of paper.\n\nDOCTOR\nWell that was a long time ago. How\nabout if I just erase it. Now\nabout that rash...\n\nELAINE\nBut it was in pen. You fake erase.\n\nDOCTOR\nAll right Miss Benes. This doesn't\nlook too serious. You'll be fine.\n\nELAINE\nWhat are you writing? Doctor.\n\nGeorge at Photo Shop\n\nSHEILA\nHere you go.\n\nGEORGE\nThanks.\n\nSHEILA\nI hope you got that mustard stain out\nof your shirt.\n\nGEORGE\nOhhhhhh\n\nJerry, Kramer, and George at the apartment\n\nJERRY\nNo. All you got to do is jiggle it\nwith this screwdriver.\n\nGEORGE\nSmile\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you doing ?\n\nGEORGE\nI meet this women, Sheila. She works\ndown at the one hour photo\n\npace. She's got this incredible smile. Like she's got extra\nteeth or something\n\nJERRY\nExtra teeth. I love that look.\n\nGEORGE\nHey check this out. I go to pick up\nmy pictures and she says \" I\n\nhope you got that mustard stain out of your shirt.\"\n\nJERRY\nWhat mustard stain ?\n\nGEORGE\nDon't you see. She's looking at my\npictures.\n\nJERRY\nWhy did you take a picture of a mustard\nstain ?\n\nGEORGE\nThat's got nothing to do with it.\n\nJERRY\nI see. She's looking.\n\nGEORGE\nYesssss.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, you got to get this thing fixed\n.\n\nJERRY\nThey've tried to fix it. But it keeps\ncoming back the same.\n\nKRAMER\nWould you like a refund ?\n\nJERRY\nWell I can't the warranty expired two\nyears ago.\n\nKRAMER\nWould you be interested ?\n\nJERRY\nWell how are you going.....\n\nKRAMER\nWould you ?\n\nJERRY\nI guess I would.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah.\n\nElaine walks in\n\nELAINE\nYou are not going to believe what happened\nto me at the doctors\n\noffice today.\n\nJERRY\nNot the gown again.\n\nELAINE\nNo, no. I was looking at my chart\nand it said I was difficult. Why\n\nwould they write that ?\n\nJERRY\nThey have gotten to know you.\n\nKramer leaves with Jerry's stereo\n\nELAINE\nThen the doctor writes more stuff down\nand doesn't even look at my\n\nrash.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy don't you find a doctor that doesn't\nknow your difficult.\n\nELAINE\nOh come on. I'm not difficult. I'm\neasy.\n\nJERRY\nWhy because you dress casual and sleep\nwith a lot of guys.\n\nELAINE\nListen to me you little shi........\n\nGEORGE\nSmile.\n\nElaine at another doctor's office\n\nDOCTOR\nWell Elaine you really didn't have to\nput on the gown.\n\nELAINE\nOh it's my pleasure. I love these.\nIn fact I got one at home. It's\n\nperfect when you just want to throw something on.\n\nNurse hands the doctor her chart\n\nDOCTOR\nAll rightly. Let me just review your\nhistory before we begin.\n\nELAINE\nWhere did you get my chart ?\n\nDOCTOR\nFrom your last doctor. It's a standard\nprocedure.\n\nELAINE\nYou know I can tell you my whole history\n. Let's just.......\n\nDOCTOR\nOkay. Let's take a look. Well that\ndoesn't look to serious. You'll\n\nbe fine.\n\nELAINE\nPlease, please. It's really, really\nitchy.\n\nDoctor writes more stuff in her chart\n\nJerry at apartment\n\nKnock, knock\n\nPOSTAL WORKER\nSeinfeld ?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nPOSTAL WORKER\nI got a package for you. Sign here\n.\n\nJERRY\nWho's it from ?\n\nPOSTAL WORKER\nNo return address.\n\nJERRY\nWhat if I don't want it ?\n\nPOSTAL WORKER\nAre you refusing delivery ?\n\nJERRY\nMaybe I am.\n\nPOSTAL WORKER\nWhy would you do that ?\n\nJERRY\nI've never done it before.\n\nPOSTAL WORKER\nWhy start now ?\n\nJERRY\nWhy not ?\n\nPOSTAL WORKER\nAll right.\n\nGeorge walks in\n\nGEORGE\nWhy did you refuse the package. Everybody\nloves a package.\n\nJERRY\nI don't know it was weird. Crazy printing\n. I don't know who it was\n\nfrom.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat do you think it's a bomb ?\n\nJERRY\nIt's not totally impossible.\n\nGEORGE\nOh the ego on you.\n\nJERRY\nWhy can't I be bombable ?\n\nGEORGE\nWho's going to bomb you. An airline\nfor all the stupid little peanut\n\njokes.\n\nJERRY\nI suppose you think your bombable.\n\nGEORGE\nHey. There is a couple of people that\nwouldn't mind having me out of\n\nthe way.\n\nJERRY\nThere's more than a couple.\n\nGEORGE\nHey. Check these out. I just picked\nthem up from Sheila. She must\n\nhave loved these.\n\nJERRY\nYou don't have a Mercedes.\n\nGEORGE\nI know. I just sort of leaned on it\nso it would look like it was\n\nmine.\n\nJERRY\nThe driver seems a little put out.\n\nGEORGE\nNo. He was fine with it. Check that\nout.\n\nJERRY\nIs that Burt Reynolds ?\n\nGEORGE\nWax Museum.\n\nJERRY\nOh.\n\nGEORGE\nOh. What is this ?\n\nJERRY\nThat's a lot of skin.\n\nGEORGE\nThis must be Sheila from the photo place\n.\n\nJERRY\nYou can barely see her face.\n\nGEORGE\nShe must have slipped it in here.\n\nKramer walks in\n\nKRAMER\nI I I\n\nGEORGE\nPhoto store Sheila.\n\nKRAMER\nWell hello Photo store Sheila.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. I will see you boys later\n.\n\nJERRY\nWhere are you going ?\n\nGEORGE\nTo ask her out.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no. Your not playing the game\n.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat game ?\n\nKRAMER\nShe goes to these lengths to entice\nyou and your only response is \"\n\nGee I really like your picture. Would you like to go out on\na date with me\n\nplease. \"\n\nGEORGE\nNo good ?\n\nKRAMER\nGeorge. It's the timeless art of seduction\n. You got to join in the\n\ndance. She sends you an enticing photo, you send her one right\nback.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, I don't know.\n\nKRAMER\nWell as you know I've always been something\nof a photog.\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah I like this idea.\n\nOutside Uncle Leo's apartment\n\nUNCLE LEO\nHey Danny. Hello. How are you ?\n\nPOSTAL WORKER DANNY\nHey Leo. Leo what's up with your nephew.\nHe wouldn't\n\nexcept his package.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nOh He wants it. He's just trying to\nbe funny. Yeah I'll sign it\n\n.\n\nGeorge and Elaine in taxi\n\nELAINE\nAnd then he starts writing on my chart\n.\n\nGEORGE\nWell why don't you get a hold of it\nand change what you don't like.\n\nELAINE\nYou can't change your chart. It's your\nchart.\n\nGEORGE\nI am in and out of my personnel file\nat work all the time.\n\nELAINE\nYou are!?!\n\nGEORGE\nHey. I've kept the same job for more\nthan two years. It's not luck\n\n. Elaine, have you ever sent a racy photograph of yourself to\nanyone ?\n\nELAINE\nYeah. I sent one to everyone I know\n. Remember my Christmas card.\n\nGEORGE\nOh yeah the nipple. But besides that\n. How did you feel about\n\nKramer's work ?\n\nELAINE\nActually I thought he was very professional\n.\n\nGEORGE\nSo it was a good experience.\n\nELAINE\nOh yeah. In fact I like the picture\nso much I cropped out the nipple\n\nand am using as my health club ID.\n\nGEORGE\nNice.\n\nELAINE\nYeah it is nice actually.\n\nElaine at another doctors\n\nELAINE\nI need to see Dr. Burke right away.\nThis rash is spreading.\n\nATTENDANT\nHe can't see you Miss Benes, he's busy\n.\n\nELAINE\nOh come on. Have some compassion.\nOkay well I hope it's contagious\n\nElaine rubs the attendants phone on her neck. Soon after Elaine\nfinds her\n\nchart and runs to the elevator\n\nELAINE\nCome on. Move. Oh hi Dr. Burke. I\ndidn't know if uh....\n\nDR. BURKE\nThe chart Miss Benes.\n\nELAINE\nOh please no more.\n\nThe doctor writes more stuff in it\n\nJerry at his apartment\n\nGeorge walks in\n\nJERRY\nHey\n\nGEORGE\nWhere's Kramer ?\n\nJERRY\nHe went to get some steak sauce. Why\n?\n\nGEORGE\nPersonal matter.\n\nPhone rings\n\nJERRY\nHello\n\nUNCLE LEO\nJerry! It's your Uncle Leo! Hello\n!\n\nJERRY\nHello Leo. You don't have to yell.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nI got your package.\n\nJERRY\nHow did you get my package ?\n\nUNCLE LEO\nWhat should I do with it ?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know what you should do with\nit.\n\nGEORGE\nTell him to open it.\n\nJERRY\nI am not going to treat my uncle like\na bomb defusing robot.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nJerry, Your cousin Jeffrey is in the\nParks Production of The\n\nMacardo. I want you to go see it with me.\n\nJERRY\nOpen the package Leo.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nOkay. Opening.\n\nJERRY\nOpening.\n\nBOOM!!!\n\nElaine and Jerry at apartment\n\nELAINE\nSo it wasn't a bomb.\n\nJERRY\nNo, No bomb.\n\nELAINE\nWell then what ?\n\nJERRY\nOh stupid Leo was using one of those\noven cleaners. He left the\n\ncanister in there and the pilot light was on. The whole thing\nblew up.\n\nELAINE\nBut he's okay ?\n\nJERRY\nYeah but the explosion singed off his\neyebrows, mustache everything.\n\nHe's all smooth now. Look's like a seal.\n\nElaine on phone\n\nELAINE\nYeah I am still holding.\n\nJerry opens his package\n\nJERRY\nIs this my stereo ?\n\nKramer walks in\n\nKRAMER\nHey you got it.\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened to my stereo ? It's all\nsmashed up.\n\nKRAMER\nThat's right. Now it looks like it\nwas broken during shipping and I\n\ninsured it for $400.\n\nJERRY\nBut you were supposed to get me a refund\n.\n\nKRAMER\nYou can't get a refund. Your warranty\nexpired two years ago.\n\nJERRY\nSo were going to make the Post Office\npay for my new stereo ?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's just a write off for them.\n\nJERRY\nHow is it a write off ?\n\nKRAMER\nThey just write it off.\n\nJERRY\nWrite it off what ?\n\nKRAMER\nJerry all these big companies they write\noff everything\n\nJERRY\nYou don't even know what a write off\nis.\n\nKRAMER\nDo you ?\n\nJERRY\nNo. I don't.\n\nKRAMER\nBut they do and they are the ones writing\nit off.\n\nJERRY\nI wish I just had the last twenty seconds\nof my life back.\n\nElaine still on phone\n\nELAINE\nWhat ?!? He doesn't have one appointment\nthis whole month!?! Oh come\n\non. I am dying here man. Hello, hello.\n\nJERRY\nStill no luck\n\nKramer leaves with a fan\n\nELAINE\nJerry I am at doctor Zimmerman. I am\nat the end of the alphabet.\n\nJERRY\nThere's no Zorn or Zoutraph.\n\nELAINE\nThere on vacation. Every doctor in\nthis city seems to know who I am\n\n.\n\nJERRY\nHey what about Dr. Resnick My Uncle\nLeo is going to see him tomorrow\n\n.\n\nELAINE\nDr. Resnick. He's not listed.\n\nJERRY\nHe's not that good.\n\nKramer and George at Kramer's apartment\n\nGEORGE\nElaine said your pretty good at this\nstuff.\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah. Elaine was a fun project.\nI enjoyed working with her.\n\nGEORGE\nYou don't have your own camera.\n\nKRAMER\nUh no. Look at this. Okay yeah this\nlooks good and I like what your\n\nwearing.\n\nGEORGE\nI feel fat.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no. You're stoked. The camera\nloves stokedness. Look were not\n\ngoing to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. The\nkey word is\n\ntasteful. Now I want you to relax and have fun because your\na fun guy. All\n\nright let's do it. Okay come on. Feel the beat. Feel the beat\n. You know\n\nyou got some real strong pecks but it's hard to tell under that\nT-shirt.\n\nGEORGE\nWell do you want me to take it off ?\n\nKRAMER\nI don't know it's up to you.\n\nGEORGE\nDo you think it would be better if I\ndid ?\n\nKRAMER\nIt might be. I mean whatever you want\n.\n\nGEORGE\nALL RIGHT!!\n\nKramer ; That's it George. Come on, come on. Give it to me\n. Come on,work\n\nit. Work it. Yeah be a man, be a man.\n\nJerry leaving apartment\n\nKRAMER\nYou are a lover boy!!\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah. This can't miss.\n\nElaine sleeping in bed\n\nPhone rings\n\nELAINE\nHello.\n\nGUY\nIs this Elaine Marie Benes ?\n\nELAINE\nYes. Who it this ?\n\nGUY\nWe are with the American Medical Association\n. Can you confirm the\n\ncorrect spelling of your last name ? Is it B-e-n-e-s.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. What is this all about\n\nGUY\nGood bye.\n\nELAINE\nHello, hello.\n\nGUY\nWhat ?\n\nELAINE\nOh uh uh...\n\nGUY\nGet off the line. Were trying to make\nanother call.\n\nUncle Leo and Elaine at Dr. Resnick's office\n\nUNCLE LEO\nElaine. Hello. What are you doing\nhere ?\n\nELAINE\nLeo. Has the doctor been in yet ?\n\nUNCLE LEO\nNo. I am going to ask him about my\neyebrows.\n\nELAINE\nOkay listen Leo. Your hairless, your\nscared. When the doctor comes\n\nin let me do the talking. Okay.\n\nDr. Resnick walks in\n\nDR. RESNICK\nLeo. I heard you had a little mishap\n.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nIt was a fireball.\n\nELAINE\nI should have never left him alone.\n\nDR. RESNICK\nAnd who are you ?\n\nELAINE\nI am his nurse... Poloma.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nYou're not my nurse.\n\nELAINE\nHe has good days and bad.\n\nDR. RESNICK\nWhat seems to be the problem ?\n\nUNCLE LEO\nAre my eyebrows going to grow back ?\n\nELAINE\nAnd he's has a bit of a rash.\n\nDR. RESNICK\nReally.\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nDR. RESNICK\nWell there's been a bit of that going\naround lately. Will you\n\nexcuse me Poloma. I just need to get some ointment.\n\nELAINE\nI don't like this, it is to easy.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nElaine...\n\nELAINE\nShut up! I think he's on to us.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nElaine what about my eyebrows ?\n\nELAINE\nShhhhhh. Here.\n\nElaine draws fake eyebrows on him\n\nKramer and Jerry at Post Office\n\nJERRY\nI don't like this Kramer. Will it be\nmuch longer ?\n\nATTENDANT\nI am sorry. It looks like the claim\nhas been red flagged. Your\n\nunder investigation.\n\nJERRY\nInvestigation ?\n\nNEWMAN\nHello Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHello Newman.\n\nNEWMAN\nKramer you might as well run along.\nJerry might be a while.\n\nSuspicion of mail fraud.\n\nKRAMER\nMail fraud. Your in a lot of trouble\nbuddy.\n\nUncle Leo at Dr. Resnick's office\n\nDR. RESNICK\nI got your ointment. Where's your nurse\n?\n\nUNCLE LEO\nShe left.\n\nDR. RESNICK\nNo need to get angry. Calm down.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nI am calm.\n\nDR. RESNICK\nLeo I don't care for your demeanor.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nDemeanor ?\n\nDR. RESNICK\nNow your just being difficult.\n\nUNCLE LEO\nWhat are you writing ?\n\nGeorge at photo store\n\nGEORGE\nSo I really liked the pictures I picked\nup here yesterday.\n\nSHEILA\nI am glad George.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd here's a roll that I think you may\nenjoy.\n\nSHEILA\nGreat.\n\nGEORGE\nShall we say an hour.\n\nGeorge leaves\n\nSHEILA\nHey Ron I got to go to lunch. Can you\ndo a roll ?\n\nRON\nNo problem.\n\nSHEILA\nBy the way. You know that model that\nis always in here. She's\n\nmissing one of her lingerie shots. Have you seen it ?\n\nRON\nNo.\n\nJerry and Newman at the Post Office\n\nNEWMAN\nAll right. Then let me ask you this\n. Didn't you find it interesting\n\nthat your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance\nfor your\n\nstereo. Huh. I mean parcels are rarely damaged during shipping\n.\n\nJERRY\nDefine rarely.\n\nNEWMAN\nFrequently.\n\nJERRY\nAre we about throw here Newman ?\n\nNEWMAN\nIt's pretty hot under these lights huh\nSeinfeld. Pretty....... Hot\n\n.\n\nJERRY\nActually I am quite comfortable.\n\nNEWMAN\nCan I have a sip ?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nNEWMAN\nNot going to play ball. Huh all right\n. Admit it that stereo was all\n\nready busted.\n\nJERRY\nYou can't prove anything.\n\nNEWMAN\nIs this or is this not your signature\n?\n\nJERRY\nNo in a matter of fact it isn't.\n\nNEWMAN\nUncle Leo ? This case is closed pending\nfurther evidence. Jerry.\n\nKramer and Elaine at doctor's\n\nELAINE\nGet in there. Get chart. Get out.\nYou got it.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah let me borrow your scarf.\n\nELAINE\nThis.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. All right one chart coming up\n.\n\nELAINE\nOkay.\n\nKRAMER\nBennette right ?\n\nELAINE\nBenes. My last name is Benes you jackass\n. Yeah.\n\nNewman walking down the street\n\nNEWMAN\nJerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry\n, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry\n\n.\n\nKramer at doctor's\n\nKRAMER\nI like what you've done with that.\n\nATTENDANT\nMay I help you ?\n\nKRAMER\nYes, yes. I am Dr. Vanostran from\nthe clinic. I need Elaine Benes\n\nchart. She's a patient of mine and she's not going to make it\n. It's uh very\n\nbad very messy.\n\nATTENDANT\nI see and what clinic is that again\n?\n\nKRAMER\nThat's correct.\n\nATTENDANT\nExcuse me.\n\nKRAMER\nFrom The Hoffer-Mandale Clinic in Belgium\n.\n\nATTENDANT\nReally ?\n\nKRAMER\nThe Netherlands ?\n\nELAINE\nWhere's my chart ? Did you get it ?\n\nKRAMER\nNo.\n\nELAINE\nWhat ? What happened ?\n\nKRAMER\nI don't know. But now they got a chart\non me.\n\nGeorge at photo store\n\nSHEILA\nI don't know where they could be.\n\nGEORGE\nCan't find them. That's marvelous.\nThe dance continues.\n\nSHEILA\nWell if I find them I'll call you.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd maybe we could go out and do something\n.\n\nSHEILA\nSure.\n\nRON\nHello.\n\nGEORGE\nHi.\n\nGeorge leaves\n\nSHEILA\nSo the little guy finally asked me out\n.\n\nRON\nReally ?\n\nSHEILA\nHey I can't find his photo's anywhere\n.\n\nRON\nOh you know what happened. Some guy\nfrom the Post Office confiscated\n\nthem. He left his card.\n\nSHEILA\nNewman ?\n\nGeorge and Jerry at Post Office\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know what Newman wanted to see\nme for.\n\nNewman ; Gentlemen, gentlemen. I am so happy to see you both.\nThere is just\n\nsome inconsistencies I'd like to straighten out.\n\nJERRY\nI'm clean and you know it.\n\nNEWMAN\nClean ? Hardly. This looks like a man\nthat isn't happy with his\n\nstereo performance.\n\nJERRY\nWhere did you get that ?\n\nGEORGE\nI think that's one of mine.\n\nNEWMAN\nIt looks like your breaking into it\nlike an otter breaking into a clam.\n\nJERRY\nI don't know about that but I'm sure\nthere is a explanation.\n\nNEWMAN\nYes. It's called mail fraud. Oohhhh\n. How I've longed for this\n\nmoment Seinfeld. The day when I would have the proof I needed\nto hall you out\n\nof your cushy lair and expose to the light of justice as the\nmonster that you\n\nare. A monster so vile.....\n\nGUY\nNEWMAN!!\n\nNEWMAN\nThere will be a small fine.\n\nJERRY\nOkay.\n\nGEORGE\nCan we go now ?\n\nNEWMAN\nNot so fast pretty boy. There is more\nto this sorted little affair.\n\nJERRY\nOh my god!!\n\nNEWMAN\nThis photo clearly indicates your involvement\nin some ill-conceived mail order pornography ring.\nAs does this one found in the same disturbing\npacket.\n\nNewman holds up a picture of Ron\n\nGEORGE\nOH MY GOD!!!\n\nNEWMAN\nWe have some questions we'd like you\nto answer.\n\nJERRY\nI have some questions of my own.\n\nSheila walks in\n\nSHEILA\nHi. One of your mailmen....... Oh\nmy god, George!?!\n\nGEORGE\nListen Sheila it's not what you think\n. I put my trust into the wrong\n\nperson. He said the key word was tasteful.\n\nJERRY\nThe timeless art of seduction.\n\nGEORGE\nSHEILA!!!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Fatigues.html",
    "text": "THE FATIGUES\n\nWritten by\n\nGregg Kavet & Andy Robin\n\nJerry and a woman are eating at a restaurant.\n\nWOMAN\nWell I started out working in mortgage\nbonds, but I just found that so\n\nlimiting.\n\nJERRY\nMy friend Kramer and I were discussing\nthat same thing the other day.\n\nHe was with Brant-Leland for a while.\n\nWOMAN\nWow. Well then my mentor suggested that\nI move into equities, best move\n\nI ever made.\n\nJERRY\nMentor? You mean your boss.\n\nWOMAN\nOh, no no no, Cynthia's just a successful\nbusinesswoman who's taken me\n\nunder her wing.\n\nJERRY\nHmm. So Cynthia's your mentor.\n\nWOMAN\nAnd I'm her prot\u00e9g\u00e9. You must have someone\nlike that. You know, who\n\nguides you in your career path.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I like Gabe Kaplan.\n\nGeorge and Jerry are in Jerry's apartment.\n\nGEORGE\nI still don't understand this. Abby\nhas a mentor?\n\nJERRY\nYes. And the mentor advises the prot\u00e9g\u00e9.\n\nGEORGE\nIs there any money involved?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nSo what's in it for the mentor?\n\nJERRY\nRespect, admiration, prestige.\n\nGEORGE\nPssh. Would the prot\u00e9g\u00e9 pick up stuff\nfor the mentor?\n\nJERRY\nI suppose if it was on the prot\u00e9g\u00e9's\nway to the mentor, they might.\n\nGEORGE\nLaundry? Dry cleaning?\n\nJERRY\nIt's not a valet, it's a prot\u00e9g\u00e9.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright. Listen, I gotta get some reading\ndone. You mind if I do this\n\nhere? I can't concentrate in my apartment.\n\nJERRY\nRisk management?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Steinbrenner wants everyone in\nthe front office to give a\n\nlecture in their area of business expertise.\n\nJERRY\nWell what makes them think you're a\nrisk management expert?\n\nGEORGE\nI guess it's on my resume.\n\nThe phone rings, Jerry answers.\n\nJERRY\nHello?\n\nVOICE\nPlease hold for Elaine Benes.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know what? I can't do this. I can't\nread books anymore; books on\n\ntape have ruined me, Jerry. I need that nice voice. This book\nhas *my* voice.\n\nI hate my voice.\n\nJERRY\nSo get this book on tape.\n\nGEORGE\nYou can't, it's a textbook.\n\nELAINE\nHey, Jer. Are you going to this Bob\nSacamano party?\n\nJERRY\nAm I going? It was three nights ago.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? You're kidding, I just got this\ninvitation today. Oh, I was so\n\nexcited. It's really a beautiful invitation.\n\nJERRY\nOh, it was a lovely affair.\n\nELAINE\nWait a minute; this postmark is three\nweeks old. Man, this happens all\n\nthe time. (Into intercom) Jeanine? Who the hell runs the mailroom?\n\nJEANINE\nEddie Sherman.\n\nELAINE\nAlright, send him up here.\n\nJERRY\nYou gonna do a little yelling?\n\nELAINE\nI'm gonna do a little firing.\n\nJERRY\nThat is so cool, can you put me on the\nspeaker?\n\nELAINE\nOh yeah, sure. (hangs up) Gimme a break.\n\nJerry gets a dial tone and hangs up; he looks over at George\nwho has nodded off\n\nwith the book in his lap. Jerry picks up a peanut and tosses\nit at George,\n\nhitting him in the glasses and waking him up.\n\nJERRY\nHey, Copernicus?\n\nElaine's office.\n\nJEANINE\nEddie Sherman is here.\n\nELAINE\nOh, great. Send him in.\n\nEddie Sherman walks in dressed in full military fatigues. He\nspeaks in a raspy\n\nvoice.\n\nEDDIE\nYou wanted to see me?\n\nELAINE\nEddie. Yes, um, I am so sorry but I'm\nafraid we're gonna have to...\n\npromote you.\n\nElaine and Jerry are at the coffee shop.\n\nJERRY\nSo, what did you say?\n\nELAINE\nWell, I called him all the way up to\nmy office, so I had to tell him\n\nsomething important. So I promoted him.\n\nJERRY\nWhat? What did you--\n\nELAINE\nCopywriter.\n\nJERRY\nHe's writing copy?\n\nELAINE\nWell it can't be any worse than the\npointless drivel we normally churn\n\nout.\n\nKramer walks in carrying a stack of flyers, he hands a few to\nJerry and Elaine.\n\nKRAMER\nYowza yowza. Check it out.\n\nJERRY\nJewish singles night?\n\nKRAMER\nI expect you both to be there.\n\nELAINE\nI'm not Jewish.\n\nKRAMER\nWell neither am I.\n\nJERRY\nWell why are you going?\n\nKRAMER\nI'm not, I'm running it.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nKRAMER\nWell Lomez, he usually runs it but he's\nin the Everglades.\n\nJERRY\nLomez is Jewish?\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah yeah yeah. Orthodox, Jerry.\nOld school.\n\nELAINE\nAt the Knights of Columbus?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, Frank Costanza, he's getting me\na room at his lodge. So Jerry,\n\nyou know I'm really counting on you to come to this.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, you know, I--\n\nKRAMER\nNo, Jerry, look I'm cooking all the\nfood myself.\n\nELAINE\nA tempting schmear of authentic Jewish\ndelicacies.\n\nKRAMER\nDo you like tsimmis?\n\nJerry and Abby are being seated in a restaurant.\n\nABBY\nMy mentor says the duck is outstanding\nhere.\n\nJERRY\nI'm not really a duck fan, the skin\nseems sort of human.\n\nABBY\nOh! Look who's here, Cynthia!\n\nCYNTHIA\nHello, Abby.\n\nABBY\nHello. Jerry, this is Cynthia Pearlman,\nmy mentor.\n\nJERRY\nHello.\n\nCYNTHIA\nHi Jerry, nice to finally meet you.\n\nABBY\nWell come join us, we could pull up\na chair.\n\nCYNTHIA\nGreat, my boyfriend's just parking the\ncar. Actually, Jerry, you\n\nnight know him, he's a comic too.\n\nJERRY\nNo kidding?\n\nCYNTHIA\nKenny Banya.\n\nJERRY\nBanya?\n\nBanya enters.\n\nBANYA\nHey, Jerry!! How's it going?! You gonna\njoin us for dinner? The duck\n\nhere's the best. The best, Jerry.\n\nGeorge is on the subway, seated beside a blind man wearing headphones.\n\nGEORGE\nExcuse me, I'm sorry to bother you,\nI noticed that you have a textbook\n\non tape. May I ask where you got that?\n\nMAN\nReading for the Blind. They can get\nany book on tape.\n\nGEORGE\nI tell ya, I am hooked on these books\non tape.\n\nMAN\nOh, tell me about it. These things have\nruined me for Braille.\n\nGeorge and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nReading for the Blind?\n\nGEORGE\nI take an eye test; I flunk it, the\nnext thing you know I am swinging\n\nto the sweet sounds of risk management.\n\nJERRY\nSo, I finally met the mentor.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's she like? Impressive?\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah, she's dating Banya.\n\nGEORGE\nBanya?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. I had to spend two hours at dinner\nlast night with that specimen.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat did you have?\n\nJERRY\nChicken, how could she look up to a\nperson who voluntarily spends time\n\nwith Banya?\n\nGEORGE\nMarsala?\n\nJERRY\nPiccata, if anything I should be dating\na mentor and Banya should be\n\nsetting pins in a bowling alley.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, I got a test to fail.\n\nJERRY\nHey, good luck with that.\n\nGEORGE\nThank you.\n\nGeorge opens the door to see Kramer and Frank leaving Kramer's\napartment.\n\nGEORGE\nDad.\n\nFRANK\nWhat are you wearing, an athletic sweat\nsuit?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you doing here?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, he came by to pick up his check\nfor the banquet hall. You know I\n\ngot a hundred and eighty-three responses? Oh, it's gonna be a\nrager.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, how are you gonna cook Jewish\ndelicacies for a hundred and\n\neighty-three people?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, you're right. That's a lot of\npupkitz. Hey Frank, you know\n\nanybody who can help me cook?\n\nFRANK\nCook? No, I don't know any cooks. I\ndon't know anything about cooking!\n\nFrank storms out of the apartment.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat's the matter with him?\n\nGEORGE\nMy dad was a cook during the Korean\nWar. Something very bad happened,\n\never since you can't get him near a kitchen.\n\nKRAMER\nShell-shocked?\n\nGEORGE\nOh yeah, but that has nothing to do\nwith it.\n\nElaine is wrapping up a meeting at Peterman's.\n\nELAINE\nThat's good work, guys. That aught to\ndo it for today.\n\nEDDIE\nWait. You didn't ask me about my ideas.\n\nELAINE\nOh, Eddie, well it's your first day.\n\nEDDIE\nI'm ready.\n\nELAINE\nOh, okay.\n\nEDDIE\nIt's a hot night. The mind races. You\nthink about your\n\nknife; the only friend who hasn't betrayed you, the only friend\nwho won't be\n\ndead by sun up. Sleep tight, mates, in your quilted Chambray\nnightshirts.\n\nElaine and Jerry are at the coffee shop.\n\nELAINE\nWhat am I gonna do? He is a disaster.\n\nJERRY\nWell, if he's doing that bad, maybe\nhe's in line for another promotion.\n\nELAINE\nYou know what? You are exactly right.\nThat is what I should do, I\n\nshould promote him. I'll give him another office on another floor\nand he can\n\nsit there with his nice title and his bayonet and stop freakin'\nme out.\n\nGeorge is taking an eye exam.\n\nGEORGE\nNothing at all.\n\nDOCTOR\nWell George, your vision is quite impaired.\nIf you'll just sign this\n\ninsurance form, here's a pen.\n\nGeorge reaches for the pen and grabs the Doctor's face.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're a very handsome man, by the way.\n\nJerry walks into his apartment; there are pots and pans bubbling\non the stove.\n\nJERRY\nWhat the hell is going on here?\n\nKramer comes running in holding a scalding pot full of dumplings,\nhe drops the\n\npot into the sink and cools his burnt fingers.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you doing?\n\nKRAMER\nI got three kitchens going. I got brisket\ngoing at Newman's, I got\n\nkugel working at Mrs. Zamfino's, this is kreplach. Here, try\nsome of this.\n\nJERRY\nNo, I don't want to.\n\nKRAMER\nEat, eat! You're skin and bones.\n\nJerry gabs a fork and tastes a piece.\n\nKRAMER\nHah?\n\nJERRY\nOh, this is awful.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, it's kreplach. It's an acquired\ntaste, yeah.\n\nKramer bites into one and spits it out.\n\nJERRY\nDid you follow the recipe?\n\nKRAMER\nThe recipe was for four to six people;\nI had to multiply for a hundred\n\nand eighty-three people. I guess I got confused.\n\nJERRY\nIt tastes like dirt.\n\nKRAMER\nWell I also dropped it on the way over.\nLook I'm in trouble, I got no\n\nskills. I can't peel, I can't chop, I can't grate. I can't mince!\nI got no\n\nsense of flavor, obviously. You know, I gotta talk to Frank.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, you can't talk to Frank.\n\nKRAMER\nNo I gotta talk to him, I know that\nhe can help me, Jerry.\n\nAbby walks in.\n\nABBY\nI think there's a dead animal in the\nelevator.\n\nKRAMER\nMy stuffed cabbage!\n\nKramer runs out.\n\nABBY\nSo, great dinner last night.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, it was alright.\n\nABBY\nI told Cynthia we'd double with her\nand Banya Saturday and then catch his\n\nact.\n\nJERRY\nNo. No, no way, no Banya.\n\nABBY\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nHave you seen his act? He's got a twelve-minute\nbit about Ovaltine.\n\nHe's a punk, a patsy, a hack.\n\nABBY\nCynthia would not date a hack.\n\nJERRY\nWould. Does. Is.\n\nElaine is chairing a meeting at Peterman's.\n\nELAINE\nBefore we get started, I am happy to\ntell you that Eddie Sherman is no\n\nlonger writing for this catalog.\n\nThere are general remarks of relief from the meeting attendees.\n\nELAINE\nHe's upstairs, I made him Director of\nCorporate Development.\n\nEMPLOYEE\nYou promoted him?\n\nELAINE\nWell, no, I would hardly--\n\nEMPLOYEE\nI bust my hump ever day.\n\nELAINE\nRelax--\n\nEMPLOYEE\nAs far as I'm concerned, you and your\nderanged prot\u00e9g\u00e9 can run the\n\ncatalog by yourselves! I quit!\n\nWhat follows is a chorus of \"me too\"s and \"I'm with him\"s as\neverybody walks\n\nout.\n\nELAINE\nWell, hey? Hey. Hey!!\n\nGeorge is in his office at Yankee stadium, he pushes 'play' on\na cassette\n\nrecorder. The voice on the tape sounds exactly like George.\n\nVOICE\nChapter one. In order to manage risk\nwe must first understand risk.\n\nHow do you spot risk? How do you avoid risk and what makes it\nso risky?\n\nGEORGE\nThis guy sounds just like me.\n\nVOICE\nTo understand risk, we must first define\nrisk.\n\nGEORGE\nThis is horrible.\n\nVOICE\nRisk is defined as--\n\nGEORGE\nStop it! Stop it!\n\nKramer is at Frank's.\n\nKRAMER\nC'mon Frank, I need you. I mean the\nwar was fifty years ago.\n\nFRANK\nIn my mind, there's a war still going\non.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, what happened, Frank? What\nis it that you can't get over?\n\nFrank pours a shot of whiskey and drinks it.\n\nFRANK\nInchon, Korea, 1950. I was the best\ncook Uncle Sam ever saw, slinging\n\nhash for the Fighting 103rd. As we marched north, our supply\nlines were getting\n\nthin. One day a couple of GIs found a crate, inside were six\nhundred pounds of\n\nprime Texas steer. At least it once was prime. The Use date was\nthree weeks\n\npast, but I was arrogant, I was brash, I thought if I used just\nthe right\n\nspices, cooked it long enough...\n\nKRAMER\nWhat happened?\n\nFRANK\nI went too far. I over seasoned it.\nMen were keeling over all around\n\nme. I can still hear the retching, the screaming. I sent sixteen\nof my own men\n\nto the latrines that night. They were just boys.\n\nKRAMER\nFrank, you were a boy too. And it was\nwar. It was a crazy time for\n\neveryone.\n\nFRANK\nTell that to Bobby Colby. All that kid\nwanted to do was go home. Well\n\nhe went home alright, with a crater in his colon the size of\na cutlet. Had to\n\nsit him on a cork the eighteen-hour flight home!\n\nKRAMER\nFrank, now listen to me. Two hundred\nJewish singles need you. This is\n\nyour chance to make it all right again.\n\nFRANK\nNo. No, I'll never cook again! Never!\nNow get out of my house!! Get\n\nout. Go.\n\nJerry and Abby are in Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nSo you saw Banya's act?\n\nABBY\nHe got two minutes into that Ovaltine\nthing and I just couldn't take it\n\nanymore.\n\nJERRY\nI told you, it's like getting beaten\nwith a bag of oranges.\n\nABBY\nWhy is he so obsessed with Ovaltine?\n\nJERRY\nHe just thinks that anything that dissolves\nin milk is funny.\n\nABBY\nAnyway, Cynthia and I got into this\nbig argument afterwards and I think\n\nit's over.\n\nJERRY\nNo more mentor?\n\nABBY\nLooks that way.\n\nJERRY\nWell at least you and I are okay again.\n\nABBY\nActually I was kind of thinking that\nmaybe we shouldn't see each other\n\nfor a while.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nABBY\nWell I'm feeling a little disoriented.\nIt's just weird for me not to\n\nhave an advisor.\n\nJERRY\nI can tell you what to do.\n\nABBY\nNo, it's more than that.\n\nJERRY\nI can tell you what to think.\n\nABBY\nI need someone I can trust.\n\nJERRY\nOh.\n\nGeorge busts in.\n\nGEORGE\nI got a big problem here, Jerry. The\ntapes are worthless.\n\nJERRY\nKind of in the middle of something here,\nGeorge.\n\nGeorge shuts up and relaxes on the couch.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge?\n\nABBY\nI gotta run anyway.\n\nJERRY\nI can't believe you feel you really\nneed a mentor.\n\nABBY\nI just need someone who can give me\nsome kind of direction. I'll see ya.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, see ya.\n\nAbby leaves and George gets up and runs out the door after her.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's your problem.\n\nGeorge runs back.\n\nGEORGE\nNo problem.\n\nGeorge runs away again.\n\nElaine and Eddie Sherman are alone in the office working on writing\ncopy.\n\nEDDIE\nHey, I think I got something here. The\nBengalese Galoshes.\n\nELAINE\nOh.\n\nEDDIE\nIt's tough keeping your feet dry when\nyou're kicking in a\n\nskull.\n\nELAINE\nYou know, Eddie, that might be just\na tad harsh for womenswear.\n\nEDDIE\nWell, I'm not married to it.\n\nElaine. Oh. Well, um, in that case why don't we take the phrase,\n\"kicking in a\n\nskull\" and we tweak it, you know, just a hair, to something like,\nwhat, like\n\n\"strolling through a dewy meadow\"?\n\nEDDIE\nDewy meadow.\n\nFrank and Estelle are in their kitchen.\n\nESTELLE\nHere's your omelet.\n\nFRANK\nIt's dry.\n\nESTELLE\nThat's the way I always make it.\n\nFRANK\nWell it sucks.\n\nESTELLE\nWhat did you say?\n\nFRANK\nYour meatloaf is mushy, your salmon\ncroquettes are oily and your\n\neggplant parmesan is a disgrace to this house!\n\nESTELLE\nWell that's too bad, because I'm the\nonly one who cooks around here!\n\nFRANK\nNot any more! Gimme that spatula! I'm\nback, baby!\n\nGeorge and Abby are at George's office.\n\nABBY\nAnd you're sure with your busy schedule\nyou'd have time to take on a\n\nprot\u00e9g\u00e9?\n\nGEORGE\nI'll make time, because Abby, I was\nonce like you; wide-eyed, naive, I\n\ndidn't know the first thing about a subject as fundamental as\nrisk management.\n\nABBY\nI'm not familiar with that, you'll have\nto explain it to me.\n\nGEORGE\nI'll tell you what, why don't you read\nthis book and let's just see if\n\nyou can explain it to me.\n\nABBY\nAlright.\n\nGEORGE\nOkay.\n\nJerry runs into Banya on a street corner.\n\nBANYA\nHey Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nOh, hey Banya.\n\nBANYA\nDidja hear what happened? The mentor\nsaw my act. She dumped me.\n\nJERRY\nOh, that's too bad.\n\nBANYA\nMaybe she's right. Maybe I am a complete\nhack. I'm the absolute worst.\n\nThe worst, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nWell it's just that you got so many\nthings with the milk. You got that\n\nBosco bit then you got your Nestl\u00e9's Quik bit, by the time you\nget to Ovaltine--\n\nBANYA\nYou think you can give me a hand with\nmy material?\n\nFrank is knocking on Kramer's door.\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nFRANK\nYou still need a cook?\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah, come on in, Frank.\n\nFRANK\nYa got T-Fal?\n\nKRAMER\nKeflon.\n\nFRANK\nNo! Follow me.\n\nJerry is reviewing material with Banya.\n\nBANYA\nWhy do they call it Ovaltine? The mug\nis round. The jar is\n\nround. They should call it round tine. That's gold, Jerry! Gold!\n\nElaine is reviewing copy with Eddie.\n\nELAINE\nLet's just replace \"hail of shrapnel\"\nand \"scar tissue\" with \"string of\n\npearls\" and \"raspberry scones\".\n\nJerry and Abby are at Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge Costanza is your mentor?\n\nABBY\nYeah, he's great! I am learning so much.\n\nAbby places her risk management folder on the table.\n\nJERRY\nAbout what? How to calculate five percent\nof a restaurant check?\n\nABBY\nYou know what your problem is? You just\nhave no respect for the\n\nmentor/mentor relationship.\n\nJERRY\nAs a matter of fact, I happen to have\na prot\u00e9g\u00e9 of my own.\n\nJerry places his Banya folder on the table.\n\nABBY\nWho?\n\nJERRY\nA Mister Kenneth Banya.\n\nABBY\nBanya?\n\nJERRY\nI'm gonna mentor this kid to the top.\n\nABBY\nHuh, well, I don't think I want to date\na mentor whose prot\u00e9g\u00e9 is a hack.\n\nAbby picks up a folder and puts it in her bag.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I don't think I want to date a\nprot\u00e9g\u00e9 whose mentor is a Costanza.\n\nElaine and Eddie are sharing chocolate shakes at the coffee shop.\n\nELAINE\nI don't know how we did it, but there's\nsome kind of chemistry between\n\nus, we turned out one hell of a catalog.\n\nEDDIE\nCool.\n\nELAINE\nHey Ed, let me ask you something. What's\nwith the fatigues and all the\n\npsychotic imagery? Huh?\n\nEDDIE\nI don't want to talk about it.\n\nELAINE\nCome on, don't be a baby.\n\nEDDIE\nI went out on a couple of dates with\nthis woman, I thought she really\n\nliked me, and then things kind of cooled off.\n\nELAINE\nThat's it?\n\nEDDIE\nWell it's tough meeting somebody you\nlike, let alone somebody Jewish.\n\n\"Jewish Singles Night\".\n\nELAINE\nMm. This food is fantastic.\n\nJERRY\nHave you tried the hamentashen?\n\nELAINE\nI can't get off the kishkas.\n\nBANYA\nHey Jerry!\n\nJERRY\nBanya?\n\nBANYA\nI just stopped by to thank you. That\nrisk management stuff you wrote\n\nfor me? It's killer!\n\nJERRY\nRisk management?\n\nBANYA\nAw, it's gold, Jerry! Gold! I got all\nthese corporate gigs and even\n\nCynthia took me back.\n\nCut to a woman talking with Eddie Sherman.\n\nWOMAN\nSo you went from the mailroom to the\ndirector of corporate development\n\nin two days?\n\nEDDIE\nThat's right.\n\nWOMAN\nHow much are they paying you? I'll double\nit.\n\nCut to Kramer and Frank behind a table loaded with 'Jewish delicacies'.\n\nKRAMER\nYa know these latkes are going like\nhotcakes.\n\nFRANK\nWhere's the powdered sugar?\n\nKRAMER\nYou know Frank, you could take a break.\n\nFRANK\nNo breaks. I fell reborn, I'm like a\nPhoenix rising from Arizona.\n\nCut to Eddie breaking the news to Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nYou're quitting?\n\nEDDIE\nI can't churn out that pointless drivel\nany more.\n\nELAINE\nWell, you can't quit, you're all I've\ngot. I need you!\n\nElaine grabs Eddie by the lapels and shakes him, Eddie chokes\non a piece of\n\nbread. Frank sees this and flashes back to Korea. He runs around\nthe room\n\nknocking plates to the floor and when Kramer tries to stop him,\nhe heads to the\n\nloaded down table and starts to tip it over. The scene ends in\nmid-tip.\n\nGeorge is prepared to give his speech at the Yankees meeting.\n\nVOICE\nOur next speaker is George Costanza\non the subject of risk management.\n\nGeorge steps up and opens his folder.\n\nGEORGE\nOvaltine. Have you ever had this stuff?\nWhy is it called Ovaltine?\n\nGeorge flips through a few pages.\n\nGEORGE\nThey should call it round tine. You\nknow what I'm talking about.\n\nWILHELM\nHe's my prot\u00e9g\u00e9.\n\nFRANK\nNoooo!!! Don't eat it! No good!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Checks.html",
    "text": "THE CHECKS\n\nWritten by\n\nSteve O'Donnell, Tom Gammill & Max Pross\n\n(Street)\n\nJerry and Elaine come out of a drugstore. Elaine has a couple\nof carrier bags\n\nshe's fussing with the contents of.\n\nJERRY\nHey, have you seen all these new commercials\nfor indigestion drugs?\n\nPepcid AC, Tagemat HB.\n\nELAINE\nUgh, the whole country's sick to their\nstomach.\n\nJERRY\nNow, you know you're supposed to take\nthese things before you get\n\nsick?\n\nJerry and Elaine begin to walk along the street.\n\nELAINE\nWhat is this, a 'bit'?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nELAINE\n'Cos I'm not in the mood.\n\nJERRY\nWe're just talking. Is this not the\ngreatest marketing ploy ever? If\n\nyou feel good, you're supposed to take one!\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I know that tone. This is a bit.\n\nJERRY\nThey've opened up a whole new market.\nMedication for the well.\n\nELAINE\n(tired) Alright, are you done with your\nlittle amusement?\n\nJERRY\n(hopeful) Then you admit it was amusing?\n\nELAINE\nIt was okay, but move the 'medication\nfor the well' to the front, and\n\nhit the word 'good' harder.\n\nJERRY\n(thinking) Great. Thanks.\n\n(Some Fancy Place)\n\nThe room is stylishly furnished. A number of people sit around,\nchatting and\n\ndrinking. Elaine and her new boyfriend, Brett, walk across the\nroom, carrying\n\ndrinks.\n\nELAINE\nSo, your firm designed all the furniture\nin here?\n\nBRETT\nWe manufacture it. The original designs\nare by Karl Farbman.\n\nElaine and Brett sit on a couch\n\nELAINE\n(as if she knows) Oh, Farbman.\n\nBRETT\nYou know Farbman?\n\nELAINE\nMm, love Farbman.\n\nBRETT\nMost people go their whole lives without\nsitting in a Farbman.\n\nELAINE\nWuh, if you call that living. (laughs)\nAhaha.\n\nMusic begins to play. It's The Eagles' Desperado. Brett hears\nthe music and\n\nis enraptured. He stares off into the distance, oblivious to\neverything but\n\nthe song.\n\nELAINE\nWouldn't it be great if Farbman designed\nshoes?\n\nBrett hasn't heard a word of what Elaine said, continuing to\nstare off into\n\nthe distance.\n\nELAINE\nBrett? Don't you think that would be\ngreat?\n\nBrett still doesn't react.\n\nELAINE\nBrett?\n\nBRETT\n(still staring off) After the song,\nbabe.\n\nELAINE\nHuh?\n\nBRETT\nThe song.\n\nElaine stares at Brett and puts a hand to her chest, moved by\nhis\n\nsensitivity.\n\n(Street)\n\nJerry and Elaine come round the corner, past the Chinese restaurant\nand walk\n\nalong the street.\n\nJERRY\nSo when do I meet this jerk?\n\nELAINE\nHe's not a jerk, Jer. He only works\nwith Karl Farbman.\n\nJERRY\nWho?\n\nELAINE\n(dismissive) I dunno, some designer.\nAnyway, Brett is so generous,\n\nand sensitive. Last night he was moved just listening to a song.\n\nJERRY\nWhat song?\n\nELAINE\nDesperado.\n\nJERRY\nDesperado?\n\nELAINE\nUh huh.\n\nJERRY\nAnd you're still dating him? I tell\nyou who sounds a little desperado.\n\nAhead of the strolling twosome, a guy stands on the sidewalk,\ntwirling a\n\nbrightly-coloured umbrella over his shoulder.\n\nJERRY\n(pointing toward the guy) See that salesman,\ntwirling that umbrella.\n\nELAINE\nUh huh.\n\nJERRY\nI invented that.\n\nELAINE\nThat, had to be invented?\n\nJERRY\nWhen I started out as a comedian, I\nsold umbrellas. It was my idea to\n\ntwirl it, to attract customers.\n\nElaine folds her arms, unconvinced.\n\nELAINE\n(skeptical) Oh hoh, really? Well, why\ndon't we ask him about it?\n\nElaine marches toward the umbrella guy.\n\nJERRY\nElaine.\n\nELAINE\nExcuse me. Hey, how you doing. Uhm,\nmy, uh, friend here says that he\n\ninvented that little twirl you're doing.\n\nJERRY\nElaine, please, it was a long time ago.\nThe man doesn't want a history\n\nlesson.\n\nCLICKY\nTeddy Padillac came up with this twirl.\n\nELAINE\n(looking at Jerry) Ohh.\n\nJERRY\nI know Teddy Padillac. I worked with\nhim on Forty-eighth and Sixth.\n\nCLICKY\nYeah, that's where he come up with it.\n\nJERRY\nIn his dreams.\n\nELAINE\nAlright, can we (glances at her watch)\ngo?\n\nElaine walks off, crossing the street. Jerry follows.\n\nJERRY\n(to Clicky) By the way, you're doing\nit too fast. You'll disorient the\n\ncustomers.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry is demonstrating twirling an umbrella to George, who sits\nin a chair\n\nwith a magazine.\n\nJERRY\nIt's the twirling that dazzles the eye.\n\nGEORGE\n(pulls a face) I find it disorienting.\nWho buys an umbrella anyway?\n\nY..you get 'em for free in the coffee shop in the metal cans.\n\nJERRY\n(as if speaking to a moron) Those belong\nto people.\n\nJerry tosses his umbrella onto the couch, and walks toward the\nkitchen. The\n\ndoor opens and Kramer enters, carrying a large envelope.\n\nKRAMER\nHey. Well. (proffers the envelope) This\nwas downstairs for you.\n\nKer-ching.\n\nJERRY\n(taking the envelope) Oh no, not more\nchecks. They're coming faster\n\nthan I can sign 'em.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat checks?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, you didn't hear? Jerry's a big star\nin Japan.\n\nJERRY\nI don't know why. There's a one-second\nclip of me in the opening\n\ncredits of some Japanese comedy show.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, the Super Terrific Happy Hour.\n\nJERRY\n(opening the envelope and pulling out\na stack of checks) They run it\n\nall the time, and now I'm starting to get all these royalty checks.\n\nGEORGE\nLook at all of those! You're rich!\n\nJERRY\nNaw. Each one is for like twelve cents.\nIt's barely worth the pain in\n\nmy hand to sign 'em.\n\nKramer sits on the couch and flinches as he sits on the umbrella.\nHe reaches\n\nunder himself and extracts it, then jumps again as he accidentally\nopens it.\n\nHe gets back up, and heads to the kitchen.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Jerry, you need any new furniture?\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nKRAMER\n(getting a bottle of water out of the\nfridge) Yeah, well, Elaine's\n\nnew boyfriend, you know. He's giving me this oversize chest of\ndrawers. It's\n\na Farbman.\n\nGeorge wanders over.\n\nGEORGE\nHe's giving you furniture? Who is this\nguy?\n\nJERRY\nAh, who are any of her losers?\n\nGEORGE\n(dryly) You're on that list.\n\nGeorge goes and gets his coat.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, I gotta go home and open up\nwith the house for the carpet\n\ncleaners. You know they're doing my whole place for twenty-five\ndollars.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, no, no, no. Not the Sunshine Carpet\nCleaners?\n\nEGO\nYeah, you heard of 'em?\n\nKRAMER\nThey're a crazy religious cult. The\ncarpet cleaning is just a means\n\nfor them to get into your apartment.\n\nGEORGE\nSo? For a twenty-five dollar cleaning,\nI can listen to some pointless\n\nblather.\n\nJERRY\nI do it, I'm not even getting the cleaning.\n\n(Street)\n\nKramer and Jerry stroll along. Jerry is massaging his left hand,\nas if it's\n\ngiving him discomfort.\n\nJERRY\nSigned over a hundred checks this morning.\n\nKRAMER\nHello, twelve dollars.\n\nJerry and Kramer draw level with three Japanese tourists. One\nof them steps\n\nforward, holding out a camera.\n\nMR OH\nExcuse me. Would you take picture please?\n\nKRAMER\n(takes camera) Oh, yeah, sure.\n\nJerry has spotted something further along the street. It's another\numbrella\n\nsalesman, twirling his wares.\n\nJERRY\nI'm gonna ask this guy something.\n\nJerry walks along to the guy. Kramer fusses about, taking a picture\nof the\n\nthree Japanese guys, at one point he steps back to frame them\nall, and\n\nstumbles off the curb.\n\nJERRY\n(to umbrella guy) Hey. Nice twirl you\ngot there. You know who invented\n\nthat, don't you?\n\nBack down the street, Kramer has finished photographing. He looks\nover toward\n\nJerry, and thinks for a second.\n\nKRAMER\n(to tourists) Hey, are you folks from\nJapan.\n\nMR YAMAGUCHI\nHai.\n\nMR OH\nYes.\n\nKRAMER\n(points over to Jerry) You recognise\nthat mug?\n\nJerry has taken one of the umbrellas, and is demonstrating the\ntwirl to the\n\nguy. He's speaking animatedly, with lots of hand gestures and\narm waving.\n\nKRAMER\nThat's the funny face that greets you\nat the beginning of the Super\n\nTerrific Happy Hour.\n\nMR OH\nAhh, Super Terrific Happy...\n\nThe three guys all speak to each other in excited Japanese.\n\nKRAMER\nAh, yeah. Yeah, that's him.\n\nKramer and the three guys look along to where Jerry is still\ntalking\n\nvigorously to the umbrella guy.\n\nMR OH\nWhat is he doing?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I don't know. But something super\nterrific, I'm sure.\n\nMR OH\nHe's funny.\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah, very funny. And it wouldn't\nbe impolite to laugh at his\n\nantics.\n\nJerry is tossing the umbrella from hand to hand, with the unimpressed\nguy\n\nwatching him. Kramer laughs, and the Japanese all join in.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Yeah, that's it. Because everybody\nlaughs at Jerry here in\n\nAmerica.\n\nKramer and the Japanese all laugh uproariously, watching Jerry.\n\n(George's Apartment)\n\nThree guys in bright yellow overalls stand in George's living\nroom. Two of\n\nthem have a large carpet cleaner by the door, ready to leave,\nThe third, the\n\nleader, has a notebook.\n\nCREW LEADER\n(calling to George) We're pretty much\nfinished.\n\nGeorge enters from another room.\n\nCREW LEADER\nThere's just one more thing.\n\nGEORGE\n(smiling expectantly) Here it comes.\n\nThe leader opens his book and holds up a check.\n\nCREW LEADER\n(clears throat) You forgot to sign your\ncheck.\n\nThe leader hands George a pen, and waits as George appends his\nsignature.\n\nGEORGE\n(signs) Sorry. (expectant) You're sure,\nuh, there isn't anything\n\nelse?\n\nCREW LEADER\n(flat) No.\n\nThe carpet cleaners begin to leave. George follows the leader\ntoward the\n\ndoor, looking disappointed.\n\nGEORGE\n(let down) So, that's it?\n\nCREW LEADER\nUnless you need a receipt.\n\nGEORGE\n(melancholy) I wish that was all needed.\nLife can be so confusing.\n\nI..I'm searching for answers, anywhere.\n\nCREW LEADER\n(flat) Good luck with that.\n\nThe leader closes the door on a perplexed George.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry sits at his table. He's signing checks, and holding his\npen awkwardly\n\nin his hand which is twisted uncomfortably. Elaine enters and\nnotices his\n\nhand.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nELAINE\nWhat's with the claw?\n\nJERRY\nSuper terrific carpal tunnel syndrome.\n\nElaine wanders toward the kitchen. The door opens and Brett enters.\n\nBRETT\n(to Elaine) There's no sign of Kramer.\n\nELAINE\nOh, Brett. (indicating) This is Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHi.\n\nJerry holds up his twisted hand in greeting. Brett copies the\nposition of the\n\nfingers in his wave back.\n\nBRETT\nThat's very funny. Elaine told me you\nwere some kinda comedian.\n\nJERRY\nAh, I'm one kind.\n\nElaine gets a bottle of water form the fridge.\n\nELAINE\nHave you seen the chest of drawers that\nBrett gave to Kramer?\n\nJERRY\nThe Fleckman.\n\nBRETT\nFarbman.\n\nJERRY\nRight.\n\nELAINE\nYou gotta see 'em. Beautiful.\n\nJERRY\n(not interested) Oh, I'm sure they are.\n\nBRETT\nI'd be happy to get you some if that's\nwhat you're driving at.\n\nJERRY\nNo. I'm fine, thank you.\n\nBRETT\nDon't worry. It's no charge to you.\n\nBrett walks over past Jerry and points to Jerry's desk.\n\nBRETT\nLooks like what you really need is a\ndecent desk for writing your\n\nskits.\n\nJERRY\n(quiet annoyance) I don't write skits.\n\nBRETT\n(walking back to Elaine) Well, of course\nyou don't. You don't have a\n\nproper workstation. I'll fax you over my catalogue.\n\nELAINE\nMmm. Brett, uhm, Jerry doesn't have\na fax machine.\n\nBRETT\n(quiet) Oops.\n\nBrett looks round at Jerry, seeming embarrassed.\n\nBRETT\nWell, I'm sure things'll pick up for\nyou soon. Elaine, maybe we should\n\nget going.\n\nBrett opens the door.\n\nELAINE\nOh. Jerry, you wanna join us?\n\nJERRY\nOh, where you going? The coffee shop?\n\nBRETT\n(scoff) Coffee shop? I think we can\ndo a little better than that. You\n\nlook like you could use a solid meal at a real restaurant.\n\nJERRY\nYou look like you could use a...\n\nELAINE\n(warning) Jerry.\n\n(Saks)\n\nKramer and the Japanese tourists are looking at stuff. Kramer\npicks up a\n\nStetson and reads the price tag.\n\nKRAMER\n(reads) Three hundred dollars. Hey,\nMr Oh, how much would these run\n\nyou in Tokyo?\n\nKramer holds the hat over, so Mr Oh can get a look.\n\nMR OH\n(thinks for a second) Ahh, about, uh,\nthirty thousand yen.\n\nKRAMER\n(shocked) Thirty thousand?! These are\npractically free.\n\nKramer places the hat on an unsure Mr Oh's head.\n\nKRAMER\nGiddyup. You're a cowboy now.\n\nKramer hands Stetsons to each of the other Japanese.\n\n(Brett's Car)\n\nBrett and Elaine sit in his parked two seat Ferrari.\n\nBRETT\nI feel terrible about your friend Jerry.\nHe's upset that I gave Kramer\n\nthat chest of drawers, isn't he?\n\nELAINE\nWhy? Why d'you think he's upset?\n\nBRETT\nHow could he not be? Living in that\ncramped little apartment. And\n\noutdated furniture, so terribly... un-Karl Farbman-like.\n\nELAINE\n(romantic) We're not gonna talk about\nKarl Farbman all night, are we?\n\nBRETT\n(smiling) I hope not.\n\nBrett leans across to kiss Elaine. Just as they begin to kiss,\nthe Eagles'\n\nDesperado comes on the radio. Brett immediately breaks off the\nkiss, and\n\nstares off into the distance again.\n\nELAINE\n(surprised) Brett? Everything alright?\n\nBrett makes no response.\n\nELAINE\n(worried) Brett! What is it? Is there\nsomeone outside?\n\nBRETT\nElaine, the song.\n\nELAINE\n(relieved) Oh. Oh, oh, phew. You know,\nfor a minute there I thought\n\nit was like that urban legend about the guy with the hook who's\nhanging on\n\nthe fender...\n\nBRETT\nElaine, could you just not talk for\none minute?\n\nELAINE\n(apologetic, silently mouthed) Sorry.\n\nElaine stares queryingly at the rapt Brett.\n\n(Monk's)\n\nJerry and George sit in a booth, sipping coffee.\n\nJERRY\nNo spiel?\n\nGEORGE\n(annoyed) Not a peep. They just cleaned\nthe carpets and left. Call\n\nthemselves a cult!\n\nJERRY\nSo you're angry that this bizarre carpet\ncabal made no attempt to\n\nabduct you?\n\nGEORGE\nThey could've at least tried!\n\nJERRY\nYou know, maybe they thought you looked\ntoo smart to be brainwashed?\n\nGEORGE\nPlease.\n\nJERRY\nToo dumb?\n\nGeorge gives Jerry a look. Kramer enters, wearing a snazzy new\nsuit. He\n\nstrolls over to the booth.\n\nJERRY\n(impressed) Well! Mack is back in town!\nNice duds.\n\nKRAMER\nKonichi-wa. Yeah, it's a gift from my\nJapanese friends. (sits beside\n\nJerry) They're known as gift-givers. And tonight we're going\ndancing at the\n\nRainbow Room.\n\nJERRY\nSounds like you're throwing a lot of\ntheir money around.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, Jerry, they're Japanese. I mean,\nthat TV you watch, that sushi\n\nyou eat, I mean, even that kimono you wear. Where to you think\nall that money\n\ngoes, hmm?\n\nJerry looks puzzled.\n\nKRAMER\nThat's right.\n\nGEORGE\nHow'd you hook up with these guys?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, they recognised Jerry from the\nSuper Terrific Happy Hour. See\n\nnow, you should be doing your own show in Japan. Now, they get\nyou.\n\nJERRY\nWhat kind of show am I gonna do in Japan?\n\nKRAMER\n(to George) Alright, what'd you do with\nthat pilot you did.\n\nGEORGE\n(excited) Yeah, the pilot!\n\nKRAMER\nThat's right, I think that had marvellous\nproduction values.\n\nGEORGE\n(enthusiastic) And, you know, I do a\nlotta business with Japanese TV.\n\nThey broadcast a lot of American baseball. They got an office\nhere in New\n\nYork!\n\nJERRY\nForget it! The pilot was awful. It failed.\n\nGEORGE\n(animated) It failed here! Because,\nhere, every time you turn on a\n\nTV, all you see is four morons sitting round an apartment, whining\nabout\n\ntheir dates!\n\nJerry looks doubtful.\n\nKRAMER\nGeorge is right, Jerry. See, here, you're\njust another apple, but in\n\nJapan, you're an exotic fruit. Like an orange. Which is rare\nthere.\n\nJerry looks at George, wondering.\n\n(Japanese TV Office)\n\nJerry and George sit on a couch. Two Japanese TV executives,\none male, one\n\nfemale, sit on chairs. They are all watching the pilot show Jerry\nmade at the\n\nend of Season 4. The Japanese are not looking impressed. George\nis smiling\n\nand pointing, enthusiastically. On a coffee table sits a large\nbowl\n\ncontaining a plastic bag of oranges.\n\nTV JERRY\nYou had a date? You went out with my\nbutler?! Who said you could go\n\nout with my butler?!\n\nTV ELAINE\nWell, why do I need your permission?\n\nTV JERRY\nBecause he's my butler.\n\nThe first executive stops the tape.\n\nGEORGE\n(eager) So? What d'you think?\n\nEXECUTIVE 1\nWe're bit confused. Why was this man\nJerry's butler?\n\nGEORGE\nAh. You see, the man who was the butler,\nuh, had gotten into a car\n\naccident with Jerry, and because he didn't have any insurance,\nthe judge\n\ndecreed that the man become Jerry's butler.\n\nEXECUTIVE 1\nIs this customary in your legal system?\n\nJERRY\nNo. That's what makes it such a humorous\nsituation.\n\nEXECUTIVE 1\n(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: Are you\nfollowing any of this?\n\nEXECUTIVE 2\n(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: I'm still\ntrying to figure out why\n\nthey gave us a bag of oranges.\n\nEXECUTIVE 1\n(to Jerry and George) I'm sorry. I'm\nsure Mr Seinfeld is very\n\nfunny to Americans, but I'm not sure this butler show would work\nin Japan.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, I, uh, I disagree. You've, uh, you've\nbeen living in America too\n\nlong. (indicates the bag of oranges) You've forgotten what it's\nlike to have\n\nno oranges.\n\nJerry nods, sagely, and picks up a cup of coffee. His fingers\nare still\n\ntwisted from the check signing.\n\nEXECUTIVE 1\n(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: Again with\nthe oranges\n\nThere's a crash as Jerry's grip on the cup fails and he drops\nit.\n\nJERRY\n(flexing his fingers) Sorry. My hand\nis numb.\n\nGEORGE\n(positive) Yes. From endorsing checks\nfor the Super Terrific Happy\n\nHour. (laughs)\n\nEXECUTIVE 1\nYou must go now.\n\nJerry pats George on the knee. George squeezes Jerry's shoulder\nand they\n\nruefully begin to depart.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry sits at his table, signing yet more checks, the pen gripped\nin his\n\nclawed fingers. Elaine stands in her jacket, her bag on the table.\n\nELAINE\nAh, I think I'm on the outs with Brett.\nI got shushed during\n\nDesperado.\n\nJERRY\n(throws out his hands) What does he\nlisten to? The all Desperado\n\nstation?\n\nELAINE\nHe is just in his own world when he\nhears that song. It's like, I'm\n\nsitting there in the car, and he's.. out riding fences.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, what you need is a song you\ncan share.\n\nELAINE\nYes. You're right. We need to find 'our'\nsong.\n\nJERRY\nOkay. So, is there any song that you\nfeel very strongly about?\n\nElaine tips back her head and thinks for a second, before something\noccurs.\n\nELAINE\n(points) I like Witchy Woman.\n\nJERRY\nWitchy Woman?\n\nELAINE\nYou know, Witchy Woman. (sings) 'Ooo-ooh,\nwit-chay woman'.\n\nJERRY\n(getting it) Ahh. Wit-chay Woman.\n\nThe door opens and Kramer enters, wearing his suit and carrying\nanother fat\n\nenvelope.\n\nKRAMER\n(to Jerry) Hey, man.\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nKramer puts the envelope down on the table next to Jerry. Elaine\nwalks to the\n\nkitchen.\n\nJERRY\nHey. How was the Rainbow Room?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, well, we, uh, we had to leave early.\nThere was a, uh, slight\n\nmonetary discrepancy regarding the bill.\n\nJERRY\nAh.\n\nKRAMER\nUh, listen, uh, can I borrow some pillows?\n\nJERRY\nWhat for?\n\nKramer wanders into Jerry's bedroom.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well, uh, my Japanese friends're\ngonna stay with me.\n\nJERRY\nI thought they all had suites at the\nPlaza?\n\nKramer reenters, carrying three pillows.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I'm sorry, Jerry, we all don't\nhave checks rolling in like you\n\ndo.\n\nJERRY\nWell, what about all that money from\nthe kimonos I wear?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, they ran out of it. Manhattan\ncan be quite pricey. Even with\n\nfifty thousand yen.\n\nElaine is in the kitchen, eating cereal from the box.\n\nELAINE\nFifty thousand yen? Isn't that only\na few hundred dollars?\n\nKRAMER\nEvidently. (To Elaine) Oh, by the way,\ntell Brett that his chest of\n\ndrawers are a big hit. My guests are very comfortable in them.\n\nELAINE\nIn them?!\n\nJERRY\nYou have them sleeping in drawers?!\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, have you ever seen the business\nhotels in Tokyo? They sleep in\n\ntiny stacked cubicles all the time. They feel right at home.\n\nJERRY\nThis has 'international incident' written\nall over it.\n\nKRAMER\n(smiling) Oh yeah, yeah.\n\n(Kramer's Apartment)\n\nUp against one wall of the apartment stands a very large chest\nof three\n\ndrawers. It's about six feet long and each drawers is maybe a\nfoot and a half\n\ndeep. Kramer walks over to it and looks into the open top drawer.\n\nKRAMER\nGoodnight, Mr Tanaka.\n\nOne of the Japanese tourists sits up in the drawer.\n\nMR TANAKA\nGoodnight.\n\nMr Tanaka lies down again, and Kramer slides the drawer shut.\nHe then speaks\n\nto the occupant of the next drawer.\n\nKRAMER\nGoodnight, Mr Oh.\n\nMR OH\n(sits up) Goodnight.\n\nMr Oh lies back down and Kramer slides the drawers shut, and\nspeaks to the\n\nfinal drawer's occupant.\n\nKRAMER\nGoodnight, Mr Yamaguchi.\n\nMR YAMAGUCHI\n(sits up) Oh, yes. Goodnight.\n\nMr Yamaguchi lies down. Kramer shuts the final drawer, switches\noff the lamp\n\nand, yawning, walks off toward his own bed\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nKramer is in the kitchen. He has three bowls out on the counter,\nand a box of\n\nRice Crispies. Jerry walks over, pushing a bunch of checks into\nan envelope.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is this?\n\nKRAMER\nRice Crispies. East meets West, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nAh. It's a lovely little bureau and\nbreakfast you're running. Well,\n\nI'm off to the bank.\n\nKRAMER\n(opening the fridge) Sayonara.\n\nJERRY\n(leaving) Konichi-wa.\n\nKramer fetches out milk and continues making breakfast.\n\n(Brett's Car)\n\nElaine and Brett sit in the parked Ferrari. Witchy Woman is playing\non the\n\nstereo. Elaine is listening, with her eyes closed and her head\nnodding. Brett\n\nlooks puzzled.\n\nBRETT\nElaine, I...\n\nELAINE\nShh-shh! (smiling) What d'you think?\n\nElaine continues to listen. Brett leans forward and switches\noff the music.\n\nELAINE\nWhat are you doing? That's Witchy Woman.\nThat could be our song.\n\nBRETT\nWitchy Woman is okay for you, but I've\nalready got a song.\n\nELAINE\nOh. Oh, then how about Desperado? (smiling)\nWe can share it.\n\nBRETT\n(flat) No. It's mine.\n\nThere is a flash of lightning and thunder rolls. Elaine peers\nout at the\n\nweather.\n\n(Kramer's Apartment)\n\nThe top and bottom drawers are open in the chest. Mr Yamaguchi\nsits up in the\n\nbottom drawer, and Mr Tanaka sits on top of the chest, with his\nfeet in his\n\ndrawer. Kramer comes over and hands bowls of Rice Crispies to\nthe pair of\n\nthem.\n\nKRAMER\nHere you go. Snap, crackle and pop.\n\nKramer leans over and raps on the face of the middle drawer.\n\nKRAMER\n(loudly) Good morning, Mr Oh. I gotta\nmake up the drawer.\n\nMR OH\nAch, come back in half hour.\n\nKramer looks impatient. He puts the bowl of Rice Crispies on\ntop of the chest\n\nand walks off mumbling irritably.\n\n(Street)\n\nIt is pouring with rain. Jerry walks along the street, wearing\njust a light\n\njacket over his clothes. He still has the envelope in his hands.\nJerry spots\n\nthe umbrella vendor, twirling his wares.\n\nJERRY\n(calls) Hey, I'll take one.\n\nCLICKY\nWell, look who's back!\n\nClicky turns to another umbrella seller,who is facing the other\nway.\n\nCLICKY\nTeddy! (indicates Jerry) This's the\nguy says he invented the twirl.\n\nTEDDY\n(unfriendly recognition) Jerry Seinfeld!\n\nJERRY\nTeddy Padillac. Long time, no see. (pointing\nat the umbrellas) What've\n\nyou got in a push-button mini.\n\nTEDDY\n(bitter) Same thing we had, when you\nbailed on us, fifteen years ago.\n\nJERRY\nBailed? C'mon, you knew I wanted to\nbe a comedian. Besides, we had\n\nsome good time. Remember Tropical Storm Renee?\n\nTEDDY\n(angry) Oh, yeah, sure. But where were\nyou during the poncho craze of\n\neighty-four? I almost lost my house.\n\nA guy comes along the street, wearing one of Elaine's urban sombreros.\nClicky\n\ntries to catch his attention.\n\nCLICKY\nUmbrella, buddy?\n\nThe sombrero wearer waves away the attention and crosses the\nstreet.\n\nCLICKY\nNow we got that damn 'urban sombrero'\nto contend with.\n\nTEDDY\n(to Clicky) Easy, there. (to Jerry)\nI hear you're taking credit for\n\nthe twirl.\n\nJERRY\nAw, it was so many years ago. Who cares?\n\nTEDDY\n(intense) I care. Clicky cares.\n\nJERRY\nSo, could I...\n\nAnother peal of thunder rolls as interruption.\n\nJERRY\nCould I just buy an umbrella?\n\nTEDDY\n(sour) Yeah, sure. Two hundred dollars.\n\nJERRY\n(shock) What?!\n\nTEDDY\n(caustically) Special price, for a real\nfoul-weather friend.\n\nThe rain continues to pour down unabated.\n\n(George's Office, Yankee Stadium)\n\nGeorge is removing a tape from a VCR. Kramer enters, followed\nby the three\n\nJapanese tourists. Outside the window, the rain can be seen bucketing\ndown.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, George. How about that tour, huh?\nThese guys are ready to run\n\nthe bases.\n\nGEORGE\n(indicating the window) Kramer, it's,\nit's raining. They got the tarp\n\non the field.\n\nKRAMER\n(quietly) Ah, listen, George, what else\ncan I do with these guys?\n\nNow, bear in mind, they're a little light on the yen.\n\nGeorge thinks for a minute, then looks down at the tape in his\nhands.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I, I got the pilot of the Jerry\nshow.\n\nKRAMER\n(snaps his fingers) That's perfect.\n(to the Japanese) Hey, how would\n\nyou guys like to watch Super Terrific Happy star Jerry Seinfeld?\n\nThe Japanese nod to each other.\n\nMR OH\nBut, we are also very hungry.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah, yeah. (feeds tape into VCR)\nWell, you guys just watch the\n\ntape and, uh, I'll get you some food.\n\nKramer and George wave the Japanese toward seats. Kramer leaves\nthe office\n\nand looks down the corridor. He raises his arm to attract attention.\n\nKRAMER\n(shouts) Hey, peanuts!\n\nAs the Japanese sit, Mr Wilhelm comes to the door.\n\nWILHELM\nGeorge. (waves George over) George.\n\nGeorge goes out into the hall with Wilhelm.\n\nWILHELM\n(puzzled) Uh, George, uh, did you call\nsome carpet cleaners?\n\nGEORGE\nAre they here?\n\nWILHELM\nThey're in my office, right now.\n\nGEORGE\n(suspicious) They haven't said anything\nto you, have they?\n\nWILHELM\nAbout what?\n\nGEORGE\n(to himself, resentful) What kind of\na snobby, stuck-up, cult is\n\nthis?!\n\n(Street)\n\nJerry walks along. He is still carrying the envelope of checks,\nand by now\n\nhe's drenched. A familiar red Ferrari pulls to a stop level with\nJerry, and\n\nthe window winds down.\n\nBRETT\n(calls over) Hey Jerry!\n\nJerry peers at the car and walks out into the road as he recognises\nBrett.\n\nJERRY\nOh, hi Brett.\n\nBRETT\nHaven't you ever heard of an umbrella?\n\nJERRY\nAh, I didn't have enough money.\n\nBRETT\nI'm sure things'll pick up for you.\n\nJERRY\nNo, it's not that, it's the...\n\nJerry looks down at the envelope of checks in his hands. The\nrain has soaked\n\nthem so thoroughly that the ink of his signatures has run and\nbecome\n\nillegible.\n\nJERRY\nOh no, look at the checks! Hours of\nhard work ruined!\n\nBrett peers over at the mass of sodden paper in Jerry's grip.\n\nBRETT\nAh, don't worry, I can spot you the\n(reads) twelve cents?\n\nJERRY\nNo, it's not the money. It's my hand.\nIt's crippled from writing and\n\nwriting.\n\nBRETT\nNothing's working for you, is is?\n\nJERRY\n(bitter) Not at the moment, Brett.\n\nBRETT\nI'd give you a ride, but I got Karl\nFarbman here.\n\nBeside Brett sits a bald-headed, bearded, guy in shades.\n\nJERRY\n(sarcastic) Thanks for stopping!\n\nJerry walks away\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry is drying the checks. Dozens hang from lines around the\napartment, and\n\nmore sit on the table, where Jerry dabs them with a towel.\n\nELAINE\nBrett said you ran away from him, as\nif he were the boogetyman.\n\nJERRY\nBoogeyman.\n\nELAINE\nBoogey?\n\nJERRY\nI'm quite sure. Anyway, any luck getting\ntogether on a song?\n\nELAINE\nNo. He blew out my Witchy Woman, and\nhe won't share Desperado. Hey,\n\nwhat d'you think of Oye Como Va?\n\nJERRY\n(negative) Eehh.\n\nELAINE\n(desperation) Well, I'm running outta\nguys here in this city, Jer!\n\nElaine puts he hand to her head, walks round the room and flops\nonto the\n\ncouch. The door opens and George enters. He's in buoyant mood.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nGEORGE\n(excited) Great news! I showed the pilot\nto Kramer's Japanese\n\nfriends. They loved it!\n\nJERRY\nReally? They bought the butler character?\n\nGEORGE\n(excited) Did I tell you that story's\nrelatable?! That was a great\n\nshow! That is why I'm bringing it back to NBC.\n\nJERRY\nNBC?\n\nGEORGE\n(little subdued) Nakahama Broadcast\nCorporation.\n\nElaine looks heavenwards.\n\nJERRY\nAh. But they told us we must go now.\n\nGEORGE\nBut now I have my own market research.\nActual Japanese viewers, that\n\nlove the show! I'm gonna talk to Kramer.\n\nGeorge opens the door. Jerry comes over before he can leave.\n\nJERRY\nHey, George, do me a favour. If they\nmake you an offer, whatever it\n\nis. (vehement) Just take it!\n\nGeorge smiles, claps Jerry on the shoulder and leaves. Jerry\nstarts to close\n\nthe door, but George turns back.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, by the way, what'd you think of\nMiss Yoshimura?\n\nJERRY\nWho?\n\nGEORGE\nThe network executive. You think she\nliked me?\n\nJerry swings the door closed in George's face.\n\n(Hallway)\n\nGeorge crosses the hall to Kramer's door. He knocks, but there\nis no\n\nimmediate reply. George listens, and can hear excited shouting\nand laughter.\n\nHe opens the door and goes in.\n\n(Kramer's Apartment)\n\nKramer and the three Japanese sit in the hot-tub. They're stripped\nto the\n\nwaist (at least), wearing Stetsons, and drinking sake. They spot\nGeorge as he\n\nenters and shout greetings.\n\nKRAMER\nHeyy! Look who's here.\n\nThe Japanese whoop and wave at George.\n\nKRAMER\n(beckoning to George) Come on, I want\nyou to come in here.\n\nAll the Japanese gesture and shout that George should get in\nthe tub with\n\nthem.\n\nMR OH\nCome on in, fat boy!\n\nGeorge waves away their appeals with a smile.\n\nGEORGE\nGet a good night's sleep, alright fellas.\n(thumbs up) Big day\n\ntomorrow!\n\nKramer and the Japanese cheer and splash water at George, who\nleaves. Then\n\nthey go back to knocking back sake.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry is re-signing all the checks he dried out.\n\nJERRY\n(to himself) Last one.\n\nJerry completes his signature and drops the pen from his claw-like\nhand. It's\n\nclearly painful.\n\nJERRY\n(agonised) Uugh! Ahh.\n\n(Street)\n\nGeorge stands outside the Nakahama Broadcast Corp offices. He's\nwaiting for\n\nsomeone. Kramer wanders up behind him and speaks into George's\near.\n\nKRAMER\nThere you are.\n\nGeorge jumps, surprised by Kramer.\n\nGEORGE\nUh. (smiles) Where's the boys?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, no, I let 'em sleep in.\n\nKramer reaches into his pocket and pulls out a number of airline\ntickets.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm on my way to cash in their plane\ntickets for them. They need a\n\nlittle food money.\n\nGEORGE\n(horrified) But that meeting starts\nin ten minutes!\n\nKRAMER\nNo, well, I set their alarm. But they\ndid have a lot of sake in that\n\nhot-tub.\n\nA panicky George rushes toward a payphone.\n\nGEORGE\n(frantic) I'm calling Jerry.\n\n(Street/Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry is bathing his crippled left hand in a bowl of ice-water.\nThe phone\n\nrings and he picks up (with his right).\n\nJERRY\nYeah?\n\nGEORGE\n(panicked and rushed) Jerry! The Japanese\nguys had sake in the\n\nhot-tub! You gotta get 'em outta the drawers and get 'em down\nhere, or I\n\ndon't have a focus group to sell the pilot to Japanese TV!\n\nJERRY\n(kidding) Uncle Leo?\n\nGEORGE\n(scream) Jerry!!\n\nGeorge begins hammering the phone against the kiosk. Jerry lifts\nthe phone\n\naway from his ear at the noise.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, alright. I'll wake 'em up.\n\nJerry hangs up the phone.\n\nJERRY\n(to himself) Hmm, testy.\n\n(Kramer's Apartment)\n\nThe chest of drawers still stands against one wall. All the drawers\nare shut,\n\nand from within them can be heard thumping noises and cries for\nhelp. Jerry\n\nenters and hears the calls.\n\nJERRY\nHello?\n\nMR OH\nMr Jerry! Open the drawer, please!\n\nJerry pulls at the handle with his good hand, but it won't move.\nHe tries to\n\nhook his bad hand round the other handle and pull.\n\nJERRY\nIt's stuck. (pained) Oww! The steam\nfrom the hot-tub musta warped the\n\nwood.\n\nMR OH\nPull harder.\n\nJERRY\nI'm trying. I can't get a grip. My hand's\nhad kind of a bad week.\n\nMR OH\nVery funny, but no joking, please.\n\nJERRY\n(looks round) Don't worry, I'll get\nyou out.\n\n(Hallway)\n\nElaine and Brett stroll up to Jerry's door. Brett is carrying\nan umbrella.\n\nElaine looks dubious.\n\nELAINE\nBrett, believe me. You don't have to\ndo this.\n\nBRETT\nElaine, I know he'll appreciate this.\nGranted, it's not as nice as\n\nKramer's cabinet, but it's start.\n\nELAINE\nUh, I promise you, Jerry is not jealous\nof Kramer's cabinet.\n\nElaine reaches for Jerry's doorhandle, but a shout from Kramer's\napartment\n\ndistracts her.\n\nJERRY\n(yell) Move to the back of the drawers!\n\nElaine moves to enter Kramer's apartment.\n\nELAINE\nJerry?\n\n(Kramer's Apartment)\n\nElaine enters followed by Brett.\n\nELAINE\nJerry.\n\nJerry stands in front of the chest of drawers, holding a large\nfireman's axe.\n\nHe swings it high and smashes it into the top of the chest, the\nwood\n\nsplintering under the impact. Brett looks horrified. He drops\nthe umbrella,\n\nand rushes forward to protect the furniture.\n\nBRETT\n(shouting) Not the Farbman!!\n\nElaine stares after the charging Brett. She puts her hand to\nher mouth and\n\nscreams, horrified at what she sees.\n\n(Japanese TV Office)\n\nThe Japanese tourists sit on the couch, looking like survivors\nof some\n\nhorrible ordeal, with the two executives in their chairs. George\nperches on\n\nthe arm of the couch.\n\nMR OH\n(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: Jerry Seinfeld\nis a dangerous lunatic. He\n\nwouldn't let us out of the drawers. Then he came at me with an\naxe.\n\nEXECUTIVE 1\n(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: We suspect\nhis friend here is also\n\nunbalanced.\n\nThe tourists turn slowly and look nervously at the smiling, uncomprehending,\n\nGeorge.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, uh, gentlemen, do we have a deal?\n\nMR OH\n(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: Could we\nhave a couple of those oranges?\n\nThe executives gesture their assent. The tourists eagerly grab\nthe fruit.\n\nMR OH\n(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: We are very\nhungry and have survived many\n\nhardships.\n\nBehind the couch, two of the carpet cleaner people enter, including\nthe\n\nleader. They walk over to a corner. George notices them and stands.\n\nGEORGE\n(to the executives) Excuse me. Did you\nhire the Sunshine Carpet\n\nCleaners?\n\nEXECUTIVE 1\nYes. Cleaned up the (points) coffee\nstain, left by Jerry\n\nSeinfield.\n\nWilhelm enters, dressed in the same yellow overall as the other\ncarpet\n\ncleaners. George looks stunned.\n\nGEORGE\nMr Wilhelm? Wha..what're you doing here?\n\nWILHELM\nI'm here to clean the carpets. Most\nof the world is carpeted. And,\n\none day, we will do the cleaning.\n\nGeorge lets this sink in, then slowly turns to the leader.\n\nGEORGE\n(incredulity) Him you brainwashed! (angry\nshout) What's he got that I\n\ndon't have?!\n\nThe leader shrugs, as if to say 'You work it out.'\n\nGEORGE\n(urgent) Mr Wilhelm, listen. You've\nbeen abducted! Please, Mr\n\nWilhelm, you gotta listen to me!\n\nWILHELM\nWilhelm? (he raises the nozzle of his\ncleaner) My name is Tanya.\n\nGeorge purses his lips.\n\nEXECUTIVE 1\n(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: With these\ntwo idiots I don't know\n\nhow the Yankees won the World Series.\n\nThe second executive shakes her head.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nBrett sits next to Jerry's table, looking dazed. Elaine stands\nbeside him,\n\napplying an icepack to his temple. Jerry stands opposite Eaine.\n\nJERRY\n(apologetically) Brett, I'm, I'm really\nsorry. I didn't mean to hit\n\nyou in the head with.. an axe.\n\nElaine gives Jerry a look.\n\nJERRY\n(defensive) At least it was just the\nhandle!\n\nBRETT\nIt was a beautiful cabinet. What am\nI gonna tell...\n\nBrett looks concerned.\n\nBRETT\nI can't remember his name!\n\nJERRY\nFleckman?\n\nELAINE\nCalm down Brett, okay. You could have\na concussion. Calm down. (holds\n\nBrett's head and sings) 'Desperado, mmm-mm-mmm. You better...'\n\nELAINE/JERRY\n(singing) '...let somebody love you.\nLet somebody love you,\n\nbefore it's too...'\n\nBrett slips out from under the icepack and falls face-first onto\nthe table\n\nwith an audible clunk. Elaine looks down, shocked. Jerry just\nlooks down.\n\n(Insert)\n\nAn ambulance races through the streets of New York, siren wailing.\n\n(Emergency Room)\n\nBrett lays on his back, as a doctor and nurse examine him.\n\nNURSE\nHis pulse is fine.\n\nDOCTOR\nHmm. Looks like a minor concussion.\nLet me see what I can do to\n\nrelieve the swelling.\n\nMusic begins to play. It's Witchy Woman, and the doctor gets\nthe same look on\n\nhis face as Brett with Desperado. He looks off into the distance.\n\nNURSE\nDoctor?\n\nThe doctor stares away.\n\nNURSE\n(concerned) Doctor?\n\nThe doctor is oblivious to the nurse.\n\nNURSE\n(worried) Doctor?\n\nThere is still no response from the doctor.\n\nNURSE\n(alarm) Doctor, I think we're losing\nhim!\n\nAs the doctor stares off into the distance, the monitoring instruments\ncan be\n\nheard beeping faster and faster.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Chicken-Roaster.html",
    "text": "THE CHICKEN ROASTER\n\nWritten by\n\nAlec Berg & Jeff Schaffer\n\n(Kenny Roger's Chicken Shack)\n\nGeorge and Jerry are on the side of the street at a fruit stand\n\nGEORGE\nWhy is there no haggling in this country?\n\nJERRY\nI guess we like to think we've progressed\nbeyond a knife fight for a\n\ncitrus drink.\n\nGEORGE\nNot me. Everything should be negotiable.\n\nJERRY\nRestaurants too?\n\nGEORGE\nAbsolutely. You're telling me there's\nno room to move on pasta.\n\nAll starches are a scam.\n\nJERRY\nYea especially zedi(???), with that\nbig hole.\n\n(George asks the store worker a question)\n\nGEORGE\nExcuse me, how much is this?\n\nWORKER\nDollar nineteen.\n\nGEORGE\nI'll give you a quarter.\n\nWORKER\nGet the hell out of here.\n\nJERRY\nTell him forty and no fork.\n\nGEORGE\nThirty.\n\nWORKER\nThat's it you leave and never come back!\n\nJERRY\nHow about we leave and come back in\na week?\n\nWORKER\nDeal!\n\nGEORGE\nAlright see? We got something there.\n\n(Kramer and Jerry and on the side of the street talking about\nthe new chicken\n\nshack. ( I came in a little late.))\n\nJERRY\nLook at the size of that neon light.\n\nKRAMER\nRoger's can't sell chicken around here,\nwe got chicken places on\n\nevery block.\n\nJERRY\nHe is the gambler.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I gotta meet Newman at the pet\nstore. Helping him pick out a\n\nturtle.\n\nJERRY\nTry and stay calm.\n\nKRAMER\nYea, yea.\n\n(Exit the K-Man.)\n\n(Man on street recognizes Jerry.)\n\nMAN\nHey Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nSeth! Wow what has it been like five\nyears?\n\nSETH\nAt least.\n\nJERRY\nYou wanna grab lunch?\n\nSETH\nUh, I'm actually headed back to the\noffice.\n\nJERRY\nSeth it's me. What's more important\nthan catching up with an old\n\ncollege buddy?\n\nSETH\nWell, I am supposed to be in this meeting.\n\nJERRY\nBlow it off. Remember Poli Sci? How\nmany of those did we go to?\n\nSETH+JERRY\nAlright, alright.\n\nJERRY\nWhatever happened to Moochie?\n\nSETH\nHe's dead.\n\nJERRY\nIs that right?\n\n(George and Elaine are in a store )\n\nGEORGE\nI still don't understand how you can\ncall lunch with me a business\n\nexpense.\n\nELAINE\nWhat do you think of the catalog?\n\nGEORGE\nIt stinks.\n\nELAINE\nThere, we just talked business.\n\nWORKER\nWe do have the down comforter and the\ncookware you liked.\n\nELAINE\nOh great, put it all on the Peterman\naccount with the other stuff.\n\nWORKER\nYou know what else we have that you\nmight like?\n\nELAINE\nI'll take it.\n\n(George puts on a giant Russian hat)\n\nGEORGE\nHey, you like?\n\n(Elaine laughs)\n\nWORKER\nI think that looks very nice on you.\n\nGEORGE\nReally? Elaine...Peterman account?\n\nELAINE\nWhy not? (To worker) And some hair for\nmy little friend here.\n\n(Jerry and Seth are eating at a restaurant)\n\nSETH\nSo how's your stand up career?\n\nJERRY\nPretty good, as a matter of fact. I\nalmost had my own show in Japan.\n\nSETH\nYou speak Japanese?\n\nJERRY\nNo\n\nSETH\nSo you would have done it in Japan,\nbut in English.\n\n(Jerry thinks for a minute)\n\nJERRY\nI don't know. So what's this job of\nyours?\n\nSETH\nBig investment firm. We just got the\nCitibank account. In fact today\n\nwas our first big meeting with them.\n\nJERRY\nThe meeting you blew off?\n\n(Seth laughs)\n\nSETH\nYea.\n\nJERRY\nWasn't that kind of important?\n\n( Seth pauses to think, and then gets worried.)\n\nSETH\nYea.\n\n(Jerry and Elaine are talking on the phone)\n\nELAINE\n...and I brought I whole new set of\ncookware, and a water pic.\n\nJERRY\nYou use a water pick?\n\nELAINE\nSure, water pic, floss, plax, brush,\nlisterine...\n\nJERRY\nSo you go in the bathroom at eleven\nyour in bed by what two?\n\nELAINE\nWell, at the latest. Oh hang on a second,\nI gotta another call.\n\nELAINE\nHello?\n\nMAN\nGood day Ms Benes, this is Roger Ipswitch.\n\nELAINE\nOh hey! How are things doing in accounting?\n\nROGER\nMs. Benes, I noticed you have been charging\nquite a bit of merchandise\n\non the Peterman account.\n\nELAINE\nWell, I am the President.\n\nROGER\nYes, and we're all very impressed. Never\nthe less the expense account\n\nis for business purposes only.\n\nELAINE\nWell, isn't the president allowed to\ndo anything that they want?\n\nROGER\nNo, I'll be in your office first thing\ntomorrow. Good day.\n\nELAINE\nGood day. (Elaine and Roger hang up,\nleaving Jerry still on hold)\n\nJERRY\nHello, anybody?\n\n(George walks into Monks wearing the Russian hat.)\n\nGEORGE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey, why didn't you get the big one?\n\nGEORGE\nThis hat just bottles in the heat, I\ndon't even need a coat! It's\n\nunbelievable!\n\nJERRY\nI don't believe it.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd I got a date with the sales woman.\nShe's got a little Marisa\n\nTomei thing going on.\n\nJERRY\nAh, too bad you got a little George\nCostanza thing going on.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm going out with her tomorrow, she\nsaid she had some errands to run.\n\nJERRY\nThat's a date?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's the difference? You know they\nway I work, I'm like a\n\ncommercial jingle. First it's a little irritating, then you hear\n\nit a few times, you hum it in the shower, by the third date it's\n\n\"By Mennen!\".\n\nJERRY\nHow do you make sure your gonna get\nto the third date?\n\nGEORGE\nIf there's any doubt, I do a leave-behind\nkeys, glove, scarf, I go\n\nback to her place to pick it up...date number three.\n\nJERRY\nThat's so old. Why don't you show up\nat her door in a wood horse?\n\n(Jerry is at his apartment door)\n\nJERRY\n\"By Mennen\"\n\n(Jerry notices a red dot on his door, he traces it to Kramer's\npeep hole,\n\nJerry then knocks on Kramer's door. When the door is opened a\nhuge red light\n\nis seen, Kramer is there smoking away on a cigar)\n\nJERRY\nWhat's going on in there?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nThe light!\n\nKRAMER\nOh the red, its the chicken roaster\nsign, its right across my window.\n\nJERRY\nCan't you shut the shades?\n\nKRAMER\nThey are shut, oh yea your friend Seth\nstopped by.\n\nJERRY\nYea? What'd he say?\n\nKRAMER\nhe was fired.\n\n(Cut to Elaine's office, Elaine is trying to convince the accounting\nguy that\n\nall of her expenses are business related)\n\nELAINE\nWell, as you can see the comforter I\nexpensed is actually the\n\nAristotle goose down tunic. So what do you think?\n\nROGER\nAnother bulls eye.\n\nELAINE\nWell Mr. Ipswitch since everyone of\nmy expenses are obviously for a\n\nlegitimate business purpose.\n\n( Elaine turns on water pic to water plants.)\n\nROGER\nI just need to see the sable hat you\npurchased yesterday.\n\nELAINE\nThe hat? Why do you need to see the\nhat?\n\nROGER\nBecause it costs eight-thousand dollars.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\n(Hits Roger with water from water pic.)\n\n(Jerry is talking to Seth at his apartment)\n\nJERRY\nSeth, if you knew the meeting was so\nimportant why did you go the\n\nlunch with me?\n\nSETH\nWe're old college buddies.\n\nJERRY\nI only knew you through Moochie.\n\nSETH\nHey Jerry don't worry about it, the\nimportant thing is that we got to\n\ncatch up. Mind if I grab the want ads?\n\nJERRY\nActually I haven't read Tank McNamara\nyet.\n\n(Exit Seth. Kramer comes over, hits the wall. )\n\nJERRY\nHow's life on the red planet?\n\nKRAMER\nIts killing me, I can't eat, I can't\nsleep, all I can see is that\n\ngiant red sun in the shape of a chicken.\n\nJERRY\nWell, did you go down to the Kenny Rogers\nand complain?\n\nKRAMER\nAh, they have me the heave ho. I don't\nthink that Kenny Rogers has\n\nany idea what's going on down there.\n\n(Kramer gets out a bowl, fills it with cereal and then removes\nthe tomato\n\njuice from the fridge.)\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you doing?\n\nKRAMER\nGetting some cereal\n\nJERRY\nThat's tomato juice.\n\n(Kramer takes a big spoonful of cereal w/tomato juice!)\n\n(Spits out cereal)\n\nKRAMER\nThat looked like milk to me! Jerry my\nRods and Cones are all screwed\n\nup! Alright, that's it I gotta move in with you Jerry.\n\n(Kramer then spills the cereal on Jerry's wall...)\n\nJERRY\nI don't know Kramer, my only concern\nis that ....\n\n(Cleans it with a dish rag....)\n\nJERRY\n..living together after a while we might\nstart to get on each others\n\nnerves a little.\n\n(Squeezes juice from rag into container and puts container back\nin fridge)\n\nKRAMER\nAlright listen to me, I got a great\nidea. You're a heavy sleeper,\n\nright? Why don't we switch apartments?\n\nJERRY\nOr I could sleep in the park? You could\nknock these walls down, make\n\nit an eight room luxury suite.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry these are lode baring walls, they're\nnot gonna come down!\n\nJERRY\nYea, that's no good.\n\nKRAMER\nI may have to drive that place out of\nbusiness.\n\nJERRY\nHow you gonna do that?\n\nKRAMER\nLike we did in the sixties, takin' in\nto the streets.\n\n(Kramer opens door and falls back from the neon light )\n\n(George is dropping off the woman that sold him the hat.)\n\nWOMAN\nThanks George, but I got it from here.\n\nGEORGE\nOh no I'm in already come on.\n\n(George puts down the bags he came in with)\n\nGEORGE\nSo you want to get together tomorrow?\n\nWOMAN\nNo, I'm gonna be pretty busy.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about this weekend?\n\nWOMAN\nI'm gonna be busy for a while.\n\n(George throws his keys on the table)\n\nGEORGE\nOK, see ya!\n\nWOMAN\nHey, you forgot your keys.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, those aren't my keys.\n\nWOMAN\nWell they're not mine.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, they are my keys, how weird.\n\nWOMAN\nBye George.\n\nGEORGE\nYea.\n\nWOMAN\nGeorge, bye!\n\n(George places his hat on her chair, behind a pillow. )\n\nGEORGE\nCostanza. (Like \"By Mennen\")\n\n(George and Elaine are in Elaine's office. George is looking\nat a bunch of\n\nfake butterflies on the wall(?) )\n\nELAINE\nWhat do you mean you don't have the\nhat?\n\nGEORGE\nI left it at Heather's. Are these alive?\n\nELAINE\nNo dead! George, I need that Russian\nhat back!\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, alright,I'll call Heather,\nyou'll get your hat back, I will\n\nget a second date. Ha ha. Now watch the magic.\n\nDial 9- MERLIN.\n\n(George dials again and Heather picks up the phone)\n\nHEATHER\nHello?\n\nGEORGE\nHeather Hi, it's George Costanza.\n\nHEATHER\nOy!\n\nGEORGE\nAh, listen. I don't mean to bother\nyou but, silly me, I think I may\n\nhave left my hat in your apartment. So I thought I'd just come\nby\n\nlater and pick it up.\n\nHEATHER\nYou didn't' leave a hat here.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm pretty sure I left it behind the\ncushion of the chair ...\n\naccidentally.\n\nHEATHER\nNo hat. George I gotta go.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know maybe ... I'll ...\n\n(Heather hangs up)\n\n(Jerry is walking down the street and sees Seth emptying garbage\nfor Kenny\n\nRoger's Chick shack)\n\nJERRY\nSeth?\n\nSETH\nJerry Hi! What do you think?\n\nJERRY\nI think your taking the trash out for\nthis chicken place, but that\n\ncouldn't be.\n\nSETH\nYea, I'm the new manager\n\nJERRY\nBut your were an executive, this is\nfast food.\n\nSETH\nNot fast food, good food served quickly.\n\n(Kramer opens his window revealing a banner saying \"BAD CHICKEN\")\n\nKRAMER\nHey, stay away from the chicken, bad\nchicken, mess you up.\n\nSETH\nThat's not going to be good for business.\n\nJERRY\nThat's not going to be good for anybody.\n\n(Kramer and Jerry are talking in Jerry's apartment. )\n\nJERRY\nIf I'm gonna live over there, you gotta\ntake some of this stuff out.\n\nI mean this thing is really freaking me out. I feel like its\ngonna\n\ncome to life in the middle of the night and kill me.\n\n(Jerry holds up a doll)\n\nKRAMER\nMr. Marbles? He's harmless.\n\nJERRY\nAnd one other thing, I don't want Newman\nusing my...\n\n(Jerry is interrupted by the sound of a toilet flush, out comes\nNewman from\n\nthe bathroom)\n\nJERRY\nOh no.\n\nNEWMAN\nNice place you got here Kramer a man\ncan really get some\n\nthinking done.\n\nJERRY\nWell don't get too comfortable, as soon\nas Seth gets a real job you two\n\nare gong back in that chicken supernova.\n\n(Jerry puts on giant sunglasses and goes to Kramer's apartment.\nNewman starts\n\neating chicken)\n\nKRAMER\nWhat is that Roger's Chicken? Oh get\nthat outta here.\n\nNEWMAN\nI don't know. The man makes a pretty\nstrong bird.\n\nKRAMER\nWell I'm boycotting it.\n\n(Kramer looks at the chicken.)\n\nKRAMER\nWhat is that, hickory?\n\nNEWMAN\nYea, it's the wood that makes it good.\n\nKRAMER\nReally?\n\nNEWMAN\nUh-Huh.\n\n(Kramer reaches for some and Newman grows,)\n\nKRAMER\nOh stop it.\n\n(Kramer looks like he loves it)\n\n(Knock on Heather's door.)\n\nHEATHER\nCan I help you?\n\n(Its Elaine, while she is talking she is dragging George in by\npulling his\n\near)\n\nELAINE\nHi, yea, I'm Elaine Benes, we met at\nBarney's, I'm a friend of George\n\nCostanza's. Whether you're aware of it or not George had this\n\npathetic little plan to leave something behind so he could weazel\na\n\nsecond date.\n\nHEATHER\nReally?\n\nELAINE\nI know, he has a real confidence problem.\n\nGEORGE\nWell not really...\n\nELAINE\nGeorge...Anyway I know you told him\nyou didn't have the hat because\n\nyou didn't want to see him again. And, more sympathetic I could\nnot\n\nbe. But I really do need to have that hat back.\n\nHEATHER\nLook, I don't know what to tell you,\nbut there's no hat here. I mean,\n\nmaybe the maid took it, I had people over, but...\n\nGEORGE\nWell that makes sense.\n\nELAINE\nThen you wouldn't mind if we took a\nsecond look around?\n\nHEATHER\nBe my guest.\n\n(George is being dragged in by his ear from Elaine)\n\nGEORGE\nGood to see you again.\n\n(George and Elaine exit the apartment looking tired.)\n\nGEORGE\nShe's bluffing, she's got it stashed\naway in there somewhere.\n\nELAINE\nThis is an absolute disaster.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, I don't know. Check this out.\n\n(George holds up a golden clock he had hidden in his jacket.\n)\n\nELAINE\nYou stole her clock?\n\n(George smiles)\n\nELAINE\nWell done.\n\nGEORGE\nYep, this one for our side!\n\n(Cut to Jerry's apartment, Kramer is in Jerry's bed eating Kenny\nRoger's\n\nChicken. Kramer wipes his face on Jerry's sheets, and doing so\nfound\n\nanother piece of chicken, Kramer throws it on the floor.)\n\n(Cut to Kramer's apartment, Jerry is wide awake in the dark (red).)\n\nJERRY\nWhat is that creaking, its like I'm\nin the hold of a ship.\n\nGotta relax.\n\n(sound of a door opening)\n\nJERRY\nHello, is somebody there? Mr. Marbles?\n\n(Morning at Jerry apartment)\n\nELAINE\nSo I told Ipswitch I'd have the hat\nby this afternoon, what am I\n\ngonna do?\n\nKRAMER\nYou should sleep with him.\n\n(Enter Jerry, his hair is like Kramer's. Jerry enters doing Kramer's\nslide)\n\nJERRY\nHey everybody, I'm on no sleep, no sleep!.\nYou don't know what it's\n\nlike in there, all night long things are creeping and cracking.\nAnd\n\nthat red light is burning my brain!\n\nELAINE\nYou look a little stressed.\n\nJERRY\nOh I'm stressed!\n\nELAINE\nSo Kramer what am I supposed to do?\nIf I don't have that fur hat by\n\nfour o'clock they're gonna take me down like Nixon.\n\nJERRY\nYou know my friend Bob Sacamano?\n\nELAINE\nI thought he was Kramer's friend.\n\nJERRY\nWell, he called last night about 3 a.m.\nwe got to talking, he sells\n\nRussian hats down at battery park, forty bucks.\n\nELAINE\nfourty bucks? Are they Sable?\n\nJERRY\nNo, but the difference is unnoticeable.\n\nKRAMER\nOh yea, I like this idea.\n\nELAINE\nAlright, lets give it a shot, lets go.\n\nJERRY\nGiddee up!\n\n(Exit Elaine and Jerry. Newman reveals himself, he was hiding\nin the\n\nbathroom.)\n\nNEWMAN\nIt's getting cold, it's getting cold.\n\nKRAMER\nThat was a close one.\n\nNEWMAN\nWhy do we have to keep this a secret\nfrom Jerry?\n\nKRAMER\nIf Jerry finds out I'm hooked on Roger's\nchicken I'm back there with\n\nthe red menace.\n\n(Back to Elaine's office)\n\nIPSWITCH\nMs. Benes the hat you charged to the\ncompany was Sable, this is\n\nNeutria.\n\nELAINE\nWell, that's a kind of sable.\n\nIPSWITCH\nNo, its a kind of rat.\n\nELAINE\nThat's a rat hat?\n\nIPSWITCH\nAnd a poorly made one, even by rat hat\nstandards. I have no choice\n\nbut to recommend your prompt termination to the board of directors\n\nnothing short of the approval of Peterman himself will save you\nthis\n\ntime.\n\nELAINE\nBut, but, he's in the Burmese jungle.\n\nIPSWITCH\nYes, and quite mad from what I hear.\n\nELAINE\nWait? Can I fire you?\n\nIPSWITCH\nNo.\n\n(Cut to Monk's George and Kramer are eating together)\n\nKRAMER\nSo Heather called?\n\nGEORGE\nYea, but get this, the message said\n'call me if you have the time'.\n\nHeh heh if I have the time, you get it?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, but this is all very exciting.\n\nGEORGE\nShe knows that I have her clock, I know\nthat she has my hat, I think\n\nshe's getting ready to make an exchange.\n\nKRAMER\nOf course there's the possibility that\nyou've gone right out of your\n\nmind.\n\nGEORGE\nI've looked at that, seems unlikely.\n\nKRAMER\nI'd look again. So, how come you didn't\ncall Jerry about all this?\n\nGEORGE\nI can't talk to Jerry anymore, even\nsince he moved into that\n\napartment he's too much ... like you.\n\nKRAMER\nThat's a shame.\n\n(Enter Jerry to Chicken Stand)\n\nJERRY\nSeth, you're the manager, can't you\nturn off the sign?\n\nSETH\nJerry, I lied, I'm just he assistant\nmanager.\n\nSETH\nNumber sixty seven, family feast.\n\nNEWMAN\nNumber 67, right here, right here!\n\nJERRY\nHello Newman.\n\nNEWMAN\nHello Jerry.\n\nSETH\nAnd don't forget your steamed broccoli.\n\nJERRY\nHold it, Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli\nif it was deep fried in\n\nchocolate sauce.\n\nNEWMAN\nI love broccoli, its good for you.\n\nJERRY\nReally? Then maybe you'd like to have\na piece?\n\n(Jerry opens container. Newman takes a piece)\n\nNEWMAN\nGladly.\n\n(Newman spits it out)\n\nNEWMAN\nVile weed!\n\nJERRY\nIt's Kramer isn't it? The greasy door\nknob the constant licking of\n\nthe fingers, he's hooked to the chicken isn't he?\n\nNEWMAN\nYes, now please. Someone, honey mustard.\n\n(Newman drinks mustard like Henningins )\n\n(Cut to Jerry's apartment, Kramer is waiting for Newman. Jerry\ncomes in.)\n\nKRAMER\nNewman, what took you so long, oh hey\nbuddy.\n\nJERRY\nExpecting Newman? That's funny because\nI happened to find him at\n\nKenny Roger's Roasters.\n\nKRAMER\nKenny Roger's? Whew, boy, I hate that\nplace.\n\nJERRY\nHe was buying quite a load of chicken\nalmost for two people, as long\n\nas one of them is not him.\n\nKRAMER\nOh hey Elaine stopped by, yea dropped\noff that Bob Sacamano hat, oh\n\nshe's upset at him, oh yes siree. Yea well thanks for stopping\nby.\n\nJERRY\nI sure do miss my apartment maybe I'll\nswitch back.\n\nKRAMER\nOh you don't want to think about that\nno sir. Otherwise I'd have no\n\nchoice but to put that banner back up and run that Roger's right\nout\n\nof town.\n\nJERRY\nI don't think you will. As a matter\nof fact I'll save you the trouble,\n\nI'll do it myself.\n\nKRAMER\nYea, yea go ahead put the banner up\ndoesn't matter to me.\n\nJERRY\nAlright.\n\nKRAMER\nNo Jerry! I need that chicken, I gotta\nhave that chicken, you leave\n\nthose roasters alone, Kenny never hurt anybody.\n\nJERRY\nYou got a little problem.\n\nKRAMER\nOh I got a big problem Jerry!\n\n(Elaine is visiting Peterman in the Burmese jungle. Elaine is\nbrought in and\n\ntold to sit. )\n\nPETERMAN\nElaine.\n\nELAINE\nMr. Peterman.\n\n(A boy cuts a piece of fruit in the background, Peterman scolds\nhim in another\n\nlanguage )\n\nELAINE\nYou speak Burmese?\n\nPETERMAN\nNo Elaine, that was gibberish. So did\nyou have any trouble finding\n\nthe place?\n\nELAINE\nNo, you're the only white poet warlord\nin the neighborhood.\n\nPETERMAN\nAre you an assassin?\n\nELAINE\nI work for your mail order catalog.\n\nPETERMAN\nYou're an errand girl, sent by grocery\nclerks, to collect a bill.\n\nELAINE\nWell, actually I do have a bill here,\nif you could just sign this\n\nexpense, I think I could still make the last fan boat out of\nhere.\n\nPETERMAN\nI'd be happy to Elaine ... but I will\nhave to see this hat.\n\n(George and Heather are at a bench in the park. George is holding\na bag.)\n\nGEORGE\nSo how do you want to do this?\n\nHEATHER\nAlright George I'll be honest, the first\ntime we went out, I found\n\nyou very irritating, but after seeing you for a couple of times,\nyou\n\nsorta got stuck in my head, Costanza!\n\n(Costanza like \"By Mennen\")\n\nGEORGE\nSo you really don't have my hat?\n\nHEATHER\nWhat?\n\n(George moves his bag)\n\nGEORGE\nOh. let's go do something.\n\nHEATHER\nWhat's in bag?\n\nGEORGE\nThat's a sandwich.\n\n(Clock starts ringing)\n\nGEORGE\nDamn salami.\n\nHEATHER\nMy clock, you stole it!\n\nGEORGE\nThat damn deli that is last time they\nscrew up one of my orders.\n\n(Starts raining )\n\n(Jerry enter Chicken Stand. The rain has made the rat hat (which\nhe was\n\nwearing) wet (or course))\n\nJERRY\nHey Seth, man it is coming down hard\nout there.\n\n(As Jerry talks he tries to wave his rat hat dry, because of\nthe wetness,\n\nthe hat falls apart into everyone's plate)\n\nJERRY\nOh, gross. That's not gonna be good\nfor business.\n\nSETH\nThat's not gonna be good for anybody.\n\n(Kramer in bed eating chicken when ... the Kenny Roger's chicken\nlight goes\n\nout)\n\nKRAMER\nKenny? ... Kenny?\n\n(Kramer at his window with a sign saying \"come back Kenny\" )\n\nKRAMER\nKenny....\n\n(Jerry is in bed at his own apartment)\n\nJERRY\nHome at last.\n\n(Creek!)\n\nJERRY\nIs someone there? Mr. Marbles?\n\n(Elaine with Peterman in the jungle)\n\nELAINE\nIts the Urban Sombrero, I put it in\nthe last catalog.\n\nPETERMAN\nThe horror...the horror.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Abstinence.html",
    "text": "THE ABSTINENCE\n\nWritten by\n\nSteve Koren\n\n(Jerry and George are sitting outside.)\n\nGEORGE\nSay you, me, and Kramer are, uh, flying\nover the Andes.\n\nJERRY\nWhy are we flyin' over the Andes?\n\nGEORGE\nWe got a soccer game in Chile. Anyway,\nthe plane crashes. Who are you gonna\neat to survive?\n\nJERRY\nKramer.\n\nGEORGE\nSo fast? What about me?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nKramer's so stringy. I'm plump, juicy.\n\nJERRY\nKramer's got more muscle, higher protein\ncontent. It's better for you.\n\nGEORGE\nWell I would eat you.\n\nJERRY\nThat's very nice, I guess.\n\nGEORGE\nI still don't see why you wouldn't eat\nme. I'm your best friend.\n\nJERRY\nLook, if other people are having some,\nI'll try you.\n\nGEORGE\nThank you.\n\nJERRY\nCan I have a piece of that?\n\nGEORGE\nNo.\n\n(George and girlfriend Louise are at his apartment.)\n\nLOUISE\nGeorge, I can't have sex.\n\nGEORGE\nWith me or in general?\n\nLOUISE\nI went to the doctor today. I have mono.\n\nGEORGE\nNucleosis.\n\nLOUISE\nOh I hope it's not a problem for you.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no, pff...\n\nLOUISE\nHow long is this not gonna be a problem\nfor me?\n\n(Jerry's apartment...)\n\nJERRY\nSix weeks?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, six weeks.\n\nJERRY\nWell, so what? you've gone six weeks\nbefore.\n\nGEORGE\nI can do six weeks standin' on my head.\nI'm a sexual camel. That's not the point.\nAt least there was the possibility.\n\nJERRY\nWell, so, are you gonna break up with\nher?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know. I don't wanna be one of\nthose guys.\n\nJERRY\nWhat guys?\n\nGEORGE\nLike us. (Elaine enters)\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nSo it's just mono.\n\nELAINE\nMono? Huh, well, if anyone needs any\nmedical advise, Elaine met a doctor.\nAnd he's unattached.\n\nJERRY\nI thought the whole dream of dating\na doctor was debunked.\n\nELAINE\nNo, it's not debunked, it's totally\nbunk.\n\nJERRY\nIsn't bunk bad? Like, that's a lot of\nbunk.\n\nGEORGE\nNo something is bunk and then you debunk\nit.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nHuh?\n\nGEORGE\nI think. (Pause as they all look down)\n\nELAINE\nLook it, I'm dating a doctor and I like\nit. Let's just move on. (Phone rings)\n\nJERRY\nHello?\n\nKATIE\nJerry.\n\nJERRY\nOh hi, Katie.\n\nKATIE\nListen, something just came up for Tuesday\nat the Dayton Civic Center. That's Ohio,\nJerry.\n\nJERRY\nI've heard of Ohio, Katie. But Tuesday's\nno good. I'm doin' career day at my\nold junior high.\n\nKATIE\nOkay, Jerry. that's fine. you're the\nboss. Katie works for Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nYes, all right, Katie.\n\nKATIE\nSorry for the late notice.\n\nJERRY\nYes, bye.\n\nKATIE\nYou're the-- (He hangs up)\n\nGEORGE\nThey asked you to do career day?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, it's no big deal.\n\nGEORGE\nOh with all due respect, I went there\ntoo, and I work for a team that just\nwon the World Series.\n\nJERRY\nAnd you were integral.\n\n(Edward R. Murrow Junior High School, Jerry is waiting outside\nclassroom. Teacher enters hall.)\n\nTEACHER\nJerry, it was so nice of you to come\ndown here.\n\nJERRY\nI'm on next, right?\n\nTEACHER\nWell, unfortunately, Mr. O'Meary from\nthe Bronx zoo...\n\nJERRY\nThe guy with the lizard.\n\nTEACHER\nYes. Well, he started feedin' it crickets,\nand the children just love him. And\nwe're outta time.\n\nTEACHER\nSo can you come back tomorrow?\n\nJERRY\nI'm getting bumped? You're bumping me\nfrom career day?\n\n(Elaine and Ben eating at a restaurant.)\n\nELAINE\nSo do most doctors like ER or do you\nguys just think it's fake?\n\nBEN\nI couldn't tell you. You know, I'm not\nreally a doctor.\n\nELAINE\nOh, yeah. And I'm not really attracted\nto you.\n\nBEN\nWell, I'm serious, Elaine. I went to\nmedical school, but I still have to\npass my licensing exam.\n\nELAINE\nWhen do you take this exam?\n\nBEN\nI've taken it. Three times. I almost\npassed the last one.\n\nELAINE\nWell, you're basically a doctor. Right?\nI mean, people do call you doctor.\n\nBEN\nWell, um...\n\nELAINE\nWell, can I introduce you as doctor?\n\nBEN\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nAll right, that's all I wanted to know.\n\nLOUISE\nMono. (George removes hand)\n\nGEORGE\nIt was fantastic, Jerry. We wound up\ntalking all night.\n\nJERRY\nSo you're enjoying the not enjoying.\n\nGEORGE\nyou know, just by conversing, you can\nreally learn a lot about a person.\n\nJERRY\nI'm finding that out. (Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, buddy. How was career day?\n\nJERRY\nAh, I didn't get on. The lizard guy\nwent long.\n\nGEORGE\nYou got bumped from career day?\n\nJERRY\nIt was a mix-up, I'm sure.\n\nKRAMER\nThey're trying to screw with your head.\n\nJERRY\nNow why would a junior high school want\nto screw with my head?\n\nKRAMER\nWhy does Radio Shack ask for your phone\nnumber when you buy batteries? I don't\nknow.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, hey. Kramer, what are you doing?\nYou can't smoke in here.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, come on. (Larry the cook comes over)\n\nLARRY\nTake it outside.\n\nKRAMER\nCome on, Larry. You know me.\n\nLARRY\nIt bothers people, and it's against\nthe law.\n\nJERRY\nYou can make all the laws you want,\nhe's still gonna bother people.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat, did they kick you out too?\n\nMAN\nYeah, they kicked us all out.\n\nTEACHER\nThanks so much for coming back, Jerry.\nCare for a graham cracker?\n\nJERRY\nNo, let's just do it. (Fire alarm goes\noff) What? What is going on? What is\nthat about?\n\nTEACHER\nFire drill. Sorry. Single file everyone!\n\nJERRY\nBut I was promised this slot.\n\nTEACHER\nSingle file, Jerry. (Jerry joins the\nline)\n\nJERRY\nFire drill, can you believe that?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat is Pericles?\n\nALEX TREBEK\nPericles is correct.\n\nJERRY\nLike fire in a school is such a big\ndeal. (Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, you got any matches?\n\nJERRY\nMiddle drawer.\n\nGEORGE\nWho is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?\n\nALEX TREBEK\nWe were looking for 'Who is Sir Arthur\nConan Doyle.'\n\nKRAMER\nThanks. (Kramer leaves, phone rings)\n\nJERRY\nHello?\n\nKATIE\nJerry.\n\nJERRY\nOh hi, Katie.\n\nKATIE\nI heard what happened to the junior\nhigh. They can't bump you like that.\nThat is so unprofessional.\n\nJERRY\nOh relax, Katie. It's not a problem.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat is Borax?\n\nALEX TREBEK\nYes, you're right.\n\nKATIE\nThey bump you in junior high, the next\nthing you know you're being bumped in\nhigh schools, colleges, trade schools.\nBefore you know it, Letterman's not\nreturning your calls. (Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nAshtrays?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I don't have any ashtrays.\n\nKRAMER\nOoh, cereal bowls.\n\nKATIE\nJerry, now don't freak out, I'll take\ncare of it.\n\nJERRY\nNo, Katie, don't-- (He hangs up phone)\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, thanks. (Kramer leaves)\n\nGEORGE\nWhat is Tungsten or Wolfram?\n\nALEX TREBEK\nWe were looking for 'What is Tungsten,\nor Wolfram'.\n\nJERRY\nIs this a repeat?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no, no. Just lately, I've been thinking\na lot clearer. Like this afternoon,\n(To television) what is chicken Kiev,\n(Back to Jerry) I really enjoyed watching\na documentary with Louise.\n\nJERRY\nLouise! That's what's doin' it. You're\nno longer pre-occupied with sex, so\nyour mind is able to focus.\n\nGEORGE\nYou think?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. I mean, let's say this is your\nbrain. (Holds lettuce head) Okay, from\nwhat I know about you, your brain consists\nof two parts: the intellect, represented\nhere (Pulls off tiny piece of lettuce),\nand the part obsessed with sex. (Shows\nlarge piece) Now granted, you have extracted\nan astonishing amount from this little\nscrap. But with no-sex-Louise, this\npreviously useless lump, is now functioning\nfor the first time in its existence.\n(Eats tiny piece of lettuce)\n\nGEORGE\nOh my God. I just remembered where I\nleft my retainer in second grade. I'll\nsee ya. (He throws finished Rubik's\ncube to Jerry and he exits. Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nNeed some more matches.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is goin' on in there?\n\nKRAMER\nI met some people smoking on the street,\nso I invited them up to my apartment\nto smoke.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nKRAMER\nWell somebody had to. You know, just\nbecause a person's a smoker, that doesn't\nmean he's not a human being.\n\nJERRY\nIt doesn't?\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, these people aren't just going\nto let themselves be flicked into the\nashbin of society.\n\nJERRY\nwhy not?\n\nKRAMER\nWell you can confine them, you can punish\nthem, you can cram them into the corner,\nbut they're not going away, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nAll right.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nSo when they're handing you those cadavers,\ndo you get to choose whether it's a\nman or a woman?\n\nBEN\nI dunno. Dead bodies really gross me\nout. (Sue Ellen Mischke enters with\na man)\n\nELAINE\nOh my God.\n\nBEN\nWhat's wrong?\n\nELAINE\nIt's Sue Ellen Mischke, this old braless\nfriend I hate. (Elaine tries to cover\nher face)\n\nSUE ELLEN\nElaine? Hi.\n\nELAINE\nOh hi, Sue Ellen.\n\nSUE ELLEN\nOh Rick, this is an old, old, friend\nof mine, Elaine Benes. Rick is a periodontist.\nHe does Giuliani's gums.\n\nELAINE\nWell, this is my boyfriend, doctor Ben\nGelfen.\n\nBEN\nWell, I'm an intern.\n\nELAINE\nHey, stop kidding me. He's a doctor.\nHe's a very good doctor.\n\nWOMAN\nCarlitto's just passed out. Can anyone\nhelp?\n\nELAINE\nWell, there's a doctor right here.\n\nBEN\nNo there's not.\n\nELAINE\nCan't you at least tell him what to\ndo?\n\nBEN\nLike what?\n\nSUE ELLEN\nShouldn't he elevate his legs?\n\nBEN\nRight. Elevate your legs!\n\nELAINE\nI hope Carlitto feels better. Ben really\nwishes he could've helped.\n\nLARRY\nI thought he was a doctor.\n\nELAINE\nOh he is. Kind of. I mean, I call him\ndoctor. (She walks away and sees George\nsitting down reading books) George.\n(He holds up his hand to signal her\nto wait a second.)\n\nGEORGE\nOf course. Absolute zero!\n\nELAINE\nWhat? What is with all these books?\n\nGEORGE\nI stopped having sex.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, I'll see ya Bill. All right,\nI got room for two, but the only thing\nI have is in the non-filter section.\n(Jerry enters) Hey.\n\nJERRY\nHey. Wh-What'd you got, a smoker's lounge\nin there?\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah, people really seem to be enjoying\nthemselves. You know, they come in once,\nit's like they're addicted. (Katie enters)\n\nKATIE\nJerry, oh there you are. You didn't\nanswer the phone.\n\nJERRY\nI was out.\n\nKATIE\nOh. Jerry, great news. I got you an\nassembly.\n\nJERRY\nAn assembly?\n\nKATIE\nTwo hours in front of the entire junior\nhigh, grades six through eight. That's\nsix grade, seventh grade--\n\nJERRY\nI understand. But what am I gonna talk\nabout for two hours?\n\nKATIE\nAnd, it is already in the school paper.\nThey cancelled Rick James.\n\nJERRY\nSuperfreak?\n\nKATIE\nYes.\n\nELAINE\nWhat is your answer to number 74?\n\nBEN\nMedobolic acidosis.\n\nELAINE\nNo! Hypocalimia, not medibolic acidosis.\nDuh!\n\nBEN\nMan, I'm never gonna pass this thing.\n\nELAINE\nOh yes you are. We'll just stop having\nsex.\n\nGEORGE\nGuys, hitting is not about muscle. It's\nsimple physics. Calculate the velocity,\nv, in relation to the trajectory, t,\nin which g, gravity, of course remains\na constant. (Hits a home run) It's not\ncomplicated.\n\nJETER\nNow who are you again?\n\nGEORGE\nGeorge Costanza, assistant to the traveling\nsecretary.\n\nWILLIAMS\nAre you the guy who put us in that Ramada\nin Milwaukee?\n\nGEORGE\nDo you wanna talk about hotels, or do\nyou wanna win some ball games?\n\nJETER\nWe won the World Series.\n\nGEORGE\nIn six games.\n\nJERRY\n...so if you like to tell jokes, and\nlove to make people laugh, stand-up\ncomedy may be the career for you.\n\nGEORGE\nNine minutes.\n\nJERRY\nHow am I gonna fill two hours?\n\nGEORGE\nHello? I can take an hour off your hands.\nGive the kids a chance to see a real\nlive Yankee.\n\nJERRY\nAnd give you the chance to see some\nreal disappointed kids. (Waitress comes\nto table)\n\nWAITRESS\nMore coffee?\n\nGEORGE\nExcuse me, darling, do I detect a Portuguese\naccent?\n\nWAITRESS\nSi\n\nGEORGE\nDas kaffes un salat e grand por favor.\n\nWAITRESS\nMute pragalas senor\n\nGEORGE\nEh, don't mention it.\n\nELAINE\nPortuguese?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, my cleaning lady's Portuguese.\nI must've picked it up.\n\nELAINE\nHow come he's gettin' so smart? I stopped\nhaving sex with Ben three days ago and\nI don't know no Portuguese?\n\nJERRY\nAre you all right?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know. It's just the last coupla\ndays my mind has been, not good.\n\nJERRY\nWait a second, I know what's happening.\nThe no sex thing is having a reverse\neffect on you.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? What are you talking about?\n\nJERRY\nTo a woman, sex is like the garbage\nman. You just take for granted the fact\nthat any time you put some trash out\non the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's\ngonna come along and pick it up. But\nnow, it's like a garbage strike. The\nbags are piling up in your head. The\nsidewalk is blocked. Nothing's getting\nthrough. You're stupid.\n\nELAINE\nI don't understand.\n\nJERRY\nExactly.\n\nKRAMER\nHey buddy.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, you should come over. Tonight's\npipe night.\n\nJERRY\nWhat? What happened to your face? It\nlooks like an old catcher's mitt.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nMy face is all craggly, it's crinkly.\n\nJERRY\nIt's from all that smoke. You've experienced\na lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What\ndid you expect?\n\nKRAMER\nEmphysema, birth defects, cancer. But\nnot this. Jerry, my face is my livelihood.\nEverything I have I owe to this face.\n\nJERRY\nAnd your teeth, your teeth are all brown.\n\nKRAMER\nLook away, I'm hideous.\n\nELAINE\nHey, Ben. I need a four letter word.\nWinnie the blank.\n\nB\nPooh!\n\nELAINE\nPooh...(laughing)\n\nB\nNo, it's Winnie the Pooh.\n\nLOUISE\nSo the hospital called, turns out some\nstupid intern screwed up my test. I\nnever had mono. So we can... you know.\n\nJERRY\nSo what did you do?\n\nGEORGE\nI told her I would have to think about\nit.\n\nJERRY\nBut ultimately, you're gonna choose\nin favor of sex, right?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know. Perhaps I can better serve\nthe world this way.\n\nJERRY\nYou mean, not subjecting yourself to\nyour sexual advances.\n\nGEORGE\nSimple joke from a simple man.\n\nJERRY\nSo you're never gonna have sex again?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, Jerry. There was a pretty good\nchance I was never gonna have sex again\nanyway.\n\nJERRY\nSo you ready for the assembly tomorrow?\nYou know what you're gonna say about\nthe Yankees?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, sports are so pedestrian. I've prepared\nsome science experiments that will illuminate\nthe mind and dazzle the eye.\n\nJERRY\nI wrote a 20 minute bit about how homework\nstinks.\n\nJACKIE\nMy vacation was restful, splendid, magnificent.\nIn fact, next time I'm plannin' on going\nto Kofu.\n\nJACKIE\nOh no.\n\nKRAMER\nJackie we gotta talk.\n\nJACKIE\nNo way, Kramer. You've brought nothing\nbut a mountain of misfortune and humiliation.\nNow get out.\n\nKRAMER\nBut Jackie--\n\nJACKIE\nI said out.\n\nKRAMER\nJackie, I think I gotta case against\nthe tobacco companies.\n\nJACKIE\nThe who?\n\nKRAMER\nThe tobacco companies.\n\nJACKIE\nI've been wanting a piece of them for\nyears.\n\nJACKIE\nDid that cigarette warning label mention\nanything about damage to your appearance?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, it didn't say anything.\n\nJACKIE\nSo you're a victim. Now your face is\nshallow, unattractive, disgusting.\n\nKRAMER\nSo Jackie, do you think we gotta case?\n\nJACKIE\nYour face is my case.\n\nJERRY\nHow ya doin'?\n\nELAINE\nNot good. I'm a moron.\n\nJERRY\nWell, don't worry about it. Once he\npasses the test, you'll have sex again,\nand you'll be fine.\n\nELAINE\nWell, that kinda brings us to why I'm\nhere. You got eleven minutes?\n\nJERRY\nWhat for? Oh come on.\n\nELAINE\nI just wanna clear my head. It has nothing\nto do with you.\n\nJERRY\nI think it has something to do with\nme.\n\nELAINE\nYou could read the paper through the\nwhole thing if you want.\n\nJERRY\n(thinks about it for a second as to\nreconsider) No, no, no. I'm sorry, it's\ntoo weird.\n\nELAINE\nOh, all right. Is Kramer home?\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, Louise. I think you'll find\nthis amusing. In early Euclidean geometry--\n\nLOUISE\nGeorge, I have to have sex.\n\nGEORGE\nI used to share that same outlook. But\nnow, I have so many things to occupy\nmy mind. For instance, the atom.\n\nLOUISE\nGoodbye, George. I hate you. (She leaves)\n\nGEORGE\nWhat a fascinating turn of events. (Waitress\napproaches)\n\nWAITRESS\nMas Caf\u00e9?\n\nGEORGE\nSi, por favor.\n\nJACKIE\nMiss Wilkie, your tobacco company has\nturned this beautiful specimen, into\na horrible twisted freak.\n\nKRAMER\nWho could love me?\n\nWILKIE\nI disagree. In fact, I feel Mr. Kramer\nprojects a rugged masculinity.\n\nJACKIE\nRugged? The man's a goblin. He's only\nbeen exposed to smoke for four days.\nBy the time this case gets to trial,\nhe'll be nothing more than a shrunken\nhead.\n\nWILKIE\nAll right, Mr. Chiles. You'll have our\noffer by tomorrow. Good day, gentlemen.\n(She exits)\n\nKRAMER\nBye-bye. Jackie, you did it. We're rich.\n\nJACKIE\nYou better believe it. Jackie's cashin'\nin on your wretched disfigurement.\n\nELAINE\nCongratulations! You passed!\n\nBEN\nElaine, Elaine. I don't think we should\nsee each other anymore.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? you're breaking up with me? But\nI sacrificed and supported you while\nyou struggled. What about my dream of\ndating a doctor?\n\nBEN\nI'm sorry, Elaine. I always knew that\nafter I became a doctor, I would dump\nwhoever I was with and find someone\nbetter. That's the dream of becoming\na doctor.\n\nELAINE\nLook it, are we going to have sex, or\nnot?\n\nKATIE\nOkay, Jerry, now when the glee club's\nfinished singing, George goes on, then\nyou. (George enters)\n\nGEORGE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nWhere have you been? You know, you're\non next.\n\nGEORGE\nI got lost on the way over.\n\nJERRY\nGot lost? We went to school here for\nthree years.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are these? (Holds test tubes to\nhis head like antennae) Take me to your\nleader.\n\nJERRY\nOh my God. You had sex. You had sex\nwith Louise!\n\nGEORGE\nNo, the Portuguese waitress.\n\nJERRY\nThe Portuguese waitress?\n\nGEORGE\nI calculated my odds of ever getting\ntogether with a Portuguese waitress.\nMathematically, I had to do it, Jerry.\n\nKATIE\nGeorge, George, you're on.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no. I'm not going on.\n\nJERRY\nThen what'd you come down here for?\n\nGEORGE\nTell you about the Portuguese waitress.\n\nJERRY\nIt's good to have you back.\n\nKATIE\nOne of you has to go on.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, I'll do it. (Goes on stage)\nHey kids. What's the deal with homework?\nyou're not working on your home! (Audience\nboos)\n\nKRAMER\nIt was a great lunch, Jackie. Thanks.\n\nJACKIE\nIt's a little puzzling we haven't gotten\nthat offer yet.\n\nKRAMER\nMrs. Wilkie, from the tobacco company\ncalled me. We had a little pow-wow.\n\nJACKIE\nA pow-wow? Who told you to have a pow-wow?\nI didn't tell you to have pow-wow.\n\nKRAMER\nShe made an offer. I took it.\n\nJACKIE\nHow much?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, no. There was no money.\n\nJACKIE\nNo money? Then what'd we get?\n\nKRAMER\nCheck it out. (They see a Marlboro man\nbillboard with Kramer on it)\n\nJACKIE\nThis is the most public yet of my many\nhumiliations.\n\nJERRY\nCancelled? But I was supposed to be\non tomorrow night.\n\nLETTERMAN\nYeah, but then, you know, some people\nwere telling me about that little flap\nout there at the junior high assembly.\nAnd before that, you were bumped by\na lizard?\n\nJERRY: ACTUALLY, IT WAS A .\n\nLETTERMAN\nthose things, deadly dangerous. A long\ntime ago my uncle and a date are driving,\nlike, through Mexico. They see one on\nthe road, drags him out of the road,\nand chews his face off. Listen, we'll\ncall you if anything opens up. Okay,\nJimmy?\n\nJERRY\nJerry.\n\nLETTERMAN\nRight. Jerry.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Andrea-Doria.html",
    "text": "THE ANDREA DORIA\n\nWritten by\n\nSpike Feresten\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Jerry's sitting at the table, reading the paper. George bursts\ninto the room)\n\nGEORGE\nJerry! (Slams the door) Georgie's moving\nout!\n\nJERRY\n(Gets up) Get out!\n\nGEORGE\nI'm out! Fantastic apartment right across\nfrom mine, huh. I can't wait for you\nto see it.\n\nJERRY\n(Looks around his apartment) Is it better\nthan mine?\n\nGEORGE\n(Definite) Oh yeah.\n\nJERRY\nSo, it's a two-bedroom-one-bath-make-your-friends-hate-ya?\n\nGEORGE\nYou know what? It's better than Elaine's,\ntoo. I gotta give her a call. (Moves\ntward the phone)\n\nJERRY\nShe's out.\n\nGEORGE\n(Stops) Oh right, the blind date.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, well, they like to call it a set-up\nnow. I guess the blind people don't\nlike being associated with all those\nlosers.\n\nGEORGE\nCome on. Come check out my new place.\nIt'll take you two minutes.\n\nJERRY\nI can't. I'm meeting Kramer down at\nmy mini-storage.\n\nGEORGE\n(Gloating) Hey, you got any extra furniture\ndown there? I need some more stuff to\nfill that extra bedroom with the walk-in\ncloset. (Smiles)\n\nJERRY\n(Grabs his coat) Oh, this is really\nannoying.\n\nGEORGE\n(Laughs as they leave) It's working\nalready! (Both exit)\n\n(Manhattan Mini-storage)\n\n(Jerry and Kramer both go up to a unit door. Kramer's pulling\na wagon full of junk. He starts to cough uncontrollably)\n\nJERRY\n(Disgusted) What is with that?!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, it's coughing, Jerry. It expells\nthe diseased germs out of the body,\ninto the air. (Makes a guesture of germs\nbeing in the air)\n\nJERRY\n(Takes out his key to unlock the unit\ndoor) Where is your key?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well, uh, Newman. He's - he's\ngot it.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, Kramer, I rented out half\nof my space to you.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, and I rented out half that space\nto Newman. (Starts coughing again)\n\n(Jerry opens the door, mail bags start spilling out of the unit)\n\nJERRY\n(Picks one up) Mail bags? He's storing\nmail in here?\n\nKRAMER\n(Looks at the bags on the floor) Evidently.\n\n(George's new apartment)\n\n(George is moving in. The place is bare. A woman walks in while\nhe's attempting to hang a lamp near the fire place)\n\nRICARDI\nExcuse me, George?\n\nGEORGE\n(Looks at her) Yeah, uh, no menus. (Waves\nher off)\n\nRICARDI\n(Moves into the apartment, hand out)\nNo, I'm Mrs. Ricardi - president of\nthe tenant's association.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, right! (Shakes her hand) Right!\nHey, hey.. I love the floors in here.\nIt's like a gymnasium in here! Try and\nguard me! (Dribbles an imaginary ball)\ntoward Mrs. Ricadi. She backs off defensively)\nCome on! (Stops and laughs right before running\ninto her)\n\nRICARDI\nNo, no.. (Laughs nervously) Uh, George,\nunfortunately, Clarance Eldridge in\n8C has decided that he wants the apartment.\n\nGEORGE\n(Let down) Yeah, but you - you promised\nit to me.\n\nRICARDI\nYes, but, you see - Mister Eldridge\nis an Andrea Doria survivor. And, in\nlight of the terrible suffering that\nhe's already been through, we've decided\nto give it to him.\n\nGEORGE\n(Depressed) Well,.. the Andrea Doria..\nthat was quite a fire. (Moves to the\ndoor, leaving).\n\nRICARDI\n(Correcting) Shipwreck.\n\nGEORGE\nI remember.. (Leaves)\n\n(Restaurant)\n\n(Elaine is sitting alone, waiting for her date - Alan. She's\nthinking to herself)\n\nELAINE\nWhere is this guy?! (Checks her watch)\nI hate this! (Sighs) I shoulda brought\nsomething to read.. (Picks up a sugar\npacket) \"Cancer in labratory animals\"..\n\nhuh.\n\n(A waiter approaches)\n\nWAITER\nExcuse me, Elaine Benes?\n\nELAINE\nYeah?\n\nWAITER\nAn Alan Mercer called for you. He said\nhe's sorry, but he won't be able to\nmake it tonight. (Pause) He's been stabbed.\n\nELAINE\n(Shocked) Stabbed?!\n\nWAITER\nMore bread?\n\nJerry's apartment)\n\nJERRY\n(Talking to Elaine) You ate more bread?\n\nELAINE\nThat is not the point! The guy was stabbed!\n\nJERRY\nDid you find out who stabbed him?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, (Nodding) It turns out it was\nhis ex-girlfriend.\n\nJERRY\n(Like a father) Well, you're not going\nnear this hooligan anymore.\n\nELAINE\nWell, I don't know.. I mean, think about\nit, Jerry. There must be something exciting\nabout this guy if he can arouse that\nkind of passion. (Obviously turned\n\non by the stabbing) I mean, to be stab-worthy.. You know, it's..\nkind of a compliment.\n\nJERRY\n(Sarcastic) Yeah, too bad he didn't\nget shot. He could have been the one.\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\n(Coughs) Hey. How's everybody? (Moves\nto the kitchen)\n\nJERRY AND ELAINE\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nEhh.. (Picks up a carton of food) No\nexpiration date on this.. (Opens it,\nthen starts coughing directly onto the\nfood)\n\nJERRY\nThere is now. Kramer, you should really\nget that cough checked out by a doctor.\n\nKRAMER\n(Shrugging it off) Nah, no, no, no.\nNo doctors for me. A bunch of lackeys\nand yes-men all towing the company line..\n(Looks at Jerry, then leans in so\n\nElaine can't hear) Plus, the botched my vasectimy.\n\nJERRY\n(In awe. Whispering) The botched it?\n\nKRAMER\n(Complaining) I'm even more potent now!\n\n(Jerry gives his \"That's a shame\" face. George enters)\n\nGEORGE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey. How's the new place?!\n\nGEORGE\nGone. (Moves over to a chair in the\nliving room. Kramer takes the carton\nof food to the table, and begins eating)\nThe tenant association made me give\nit\n\nto this guy because he was an Andrea Doria survivor..\n\nELAINE\nAndrea Doria? Isn't that the one they\ndid the song about?\n\nJERRY\n(Correcting her) Edmund Fitzgerald.\n\nELIANE\nI love Edmund Fitzgerald's voice.\n\nJERRY\n(Gives Elaine a look) No, Gordon Lightfoot\nwas the singer. Edmund Fitzgerald was\nthe ship.\n\nGEORGE\n(Talking about his would-be apartment)\nYou could fit 15 people in that bathroom..\n\nELAINE\nI think Gordon Lightfoot was the boat.\n\nJERRY\n(Sarcastic) Yeah, and it was rammed\nby the Cat Stevens.\n\nKRAMER\n(Like a teacher) The Andrea Doria collided\nwith the Stockholm in dense fog 21 miles\noff the coast of Nantucket. (Makes a\nclicking sound with his\n\ntongue)\n\n(Everyone's taken back by Kramer's knowledge)\n\nGEORGE\nHow do you know?\n\nKRAMER\nit's in my book - \"Astonishing Tales\nof the Sea\" 51 people died.\n\nGEORGE\n51 people?!\n\nKRAMER\nThat's it?! I thought it was, like,\na thousand!\n\nKRAMER\nThere were 1,650 survivors.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's no tragedy! How many people do\nyou lose on a normal cruse? 30? 40?!\nKramer, can I take a look at that book?\n(Starts walking tward the door.\n\nKramer grabs his food, and follows)\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah. I also got \"Astounding Bear\nAttacks\"\n\n(George opens the door, and enters Kramer's apartment. Jerry\nstops Kramer before he can do the same)\n\nJERRY\nHey, uh, before you go, did you talk\nto Newman about getting that mail outta\nthere?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, oh, yeah. Yeah, he's not gonna\ndo it. (Leaves)\n\n(Jerry nods his head - like it was expected)\n\nNewman's apartment)\n\n(Jerry knocks on the door as it opens slowly. Newman's sitting\non the couch, watching TV in a state of depression)\n\nJERRY\nNewman?\n\nNEWMAN\n(Eyes glued to the TV) I guess.\n\nJERRY\nListen, I want you to get the mail outta\nmy storage unit.\n\nNEWMAN\nSometimes we don't get what we want.\n\nJERRY\n(Confused) What are you talking about?\n\nNEWMAN\nI didn't get my transfer.\n\nJERRY\n\"Transfer\"?\n\nNEWMAN\nTo Hawaii. The most sought-after postal\nroute of them all. The air is so dewy-sweet\nyou don't even have to like the stamps..\nBut it's not to be - So, I'm\n\nhanging it up.\n\nJERRY\nYou quit the post office?\n\nNEWMAN\nKind of. I'm still collecting checks,\nI'm just not delivering mail.\n\nJERRY\nWell, get it out of my storage. It's\nillegal.\n\nNEWMAN\nAnd yet, it's perfectly legal to take\na man's soul and crush it out like a\nstale Pall Mall.\n\nJERRY\n(Cheerfully) Well, a law's a law. (Leaves)\n\nCentral Park)\n\n(Kramer's sitting on a bench coughing. A man walking some dogs\npasses. A coughing other than Kramer's can be heard. Kramer stops\nthe man)\n\nKRAMER\nOk, hold on there.. That's a nasty cough\nyou got there, huh?\n\nMAN\nWhat cough?\n\n(One of his dogs, Smuckers, coughs. Kramer reacts while pointing\nto the dog)\n\nRestaurant)\n\n(Elaine's on a date with Alan)\n\nELAINE\nI love shrimp! (Waves her knife around\nas she's talking) I'm a shrimp eater.\nYou put shrimp infront of me, (Waves\nher knife along with her hand gestures.\n\nAlan is getting edgy about it, and even more so with every wave)\nand I will eat it until my stomach pops! (Notices Alan's unsettled)\nOh.. (Puts the knife down)\n\nALAN\nNo, it's okay. I'm.. still just a little\nbit jumpy.\n\nELAINE\n(Leans in close) Between you and me,\nwhat happened there with the stabbing?\n\nALAN\nJust.. one of those things, you know.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? Was she just so crazy in love\nwith you that she just couldn't take\nit anymore? Or..?\n\nALAN\nI don't know. Could be.\n\n(A woman, Carol, passes. She stops infront of Elaine and Alan's\ntable)\n\nCAROL\nAlan?!\n\nALAN\nCarol?\n\n(Carol grabs his hot coffee, and throws it in his face, then\nstorms off. Alan screams from the pain)\n\nELAINE\n(Gets up, pointing after Carol) Was\nthat the one?! Was that the one who\nstabbed you?!\n\nALAN\n(Between screams) No, that was a different\ngirl.\n\n(Elaine looks confused. Scene ends)\n\nCoffee shop)\n\nJERRY\nThere was another crazed ex-girlfriend?\n\nELAINE\nRight, so, I called my friend, you know\n- the one who set us up - I found out,\nhe's a bad-breaker-upper.\n\nJERRY\nMmm.. Bad how?\n\nELAINE\n(Fast) Well, you know when you break\nup, how you say things you don't mean?\nWell, he says the mean things you don't\nmean, but he means them.\n\nJERRY\n(Nods) I follow. So what are you gonna\ndo?\n\nELAINE\nDump him. I can't be with someone who\ndoesn't break up nicely. I mean, to\nme, that's one of the most important\nparts of a relationship.\n\nJERRY\n(Agreeing) What's more important?\n\n(Elaine shrugs, then Jerry shrugs, then Elaine, then they both\nget into sort of a shrug-off)\n\nNYC Street)\n\n(While Kramer's walking with his new found dog, Smuckers, he\nmeets up with George. Kramer and the dog both start coughing)\n\nKRAMER\n(Between coughs) Hey.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's with the dog?\n\nKRAMER\n(Petting Smuckers) Yeah, this is Smuckers.\nI borrowed him. (Starts coughing)\n\nGEORGE\nOh..\n\n(Smuckers coughs)\n\nKRAMER\n(Pointing at the dog) Yeah, we share\nthe same affliction, so I'm gonna have\na vet check us out.\n\nGEORGE\nA vet?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I'll take a vet over an M.D. any\nday. They gotta be able to cure a (Snaps\nhis fingers in rhythm with his words)\nlizard, a chicken, a pig, a frog (Stops\n\nsnapping) - all on the same day.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, if I may jump ahead - you're gonna\ntake dog medicine?\n\nKRAMER\n(Smiling) You bet we are! Huh, Smuckers?\n(Smuckers coughs. They turn to leave)\nI'll see ya.\n\nGeorge's apartment building)\n\n(George approaches Mr. Eldridge as he's entering his new apartment.\nGeorge is carrying Kramer's sea tales book)\n\nGEORGE\nAhoy! Mr. Eldridge. I understand you\nwere on the Andrea Doria.\n\nELDRIDGE\nYes, it was a terrifying ordeal.\n\nGEORGE\nI tell ya, I hear people really stuff\nthemselves on those cruise ships. (Laughs)\nThe buffet, that's the real ordeal,\nhuh, Clarence? (Laughs)\n\nELDRIDGE\n(Defensively) We had to abandon ship.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, all vacations have to end eventually.\n\nELDRIDGE\nThe boat sank.\n\nGEORGE\n(Holding up Kramer's book) According\nto this, it took.. 10 hours. It eased\ninto the water like an old man into\na nice warm bath - no offence. (Pause)\nSo,\n\nuh, Clarence, how about abandoning this apartment, and letting\nme shove off in this beauty?\n\nELDRIDGE\nIs that what this is all about?! I don't\nthink I like you. (Enters his apartment,\nand slams the door behind him)\n\nGEORGE\n(Yelling out) It's my apartment, Eldridge!\nThe Stalkholm may not have sunk ya,\nbut I will! Ha, ha, ha!\n\nVet's office)\n\n(Smuckers is getting examined by a vet)\n\nVET\nWhat are the symptoms?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, uh.. it hurts when he swallows.\nExpecially when he drinks orange juice.\n(Vet gives him a look) I mean, uh..\ndog food.. juice. (Adding) What's\n\nworse - he has a nagging cough. (Smucker's coughs) Yeah, that's\nit. That's it.\n\nVET\nYeah, well, uh - we've been seeing a\nlot of this lately. Been drinking from\nthe toilet?\n\nKRAMER\n(Offended) What? No. That's disgusting..\n\nCoffee shop)\n\nALAN\nSo that's it? We're, uh, we're breakin'\nup?\n\nELAINE\n(Confused by his sudden change-of-heart)\nWhat? Break-up? We went out on one date.\n\nALAN\n(Fast) Ok, yeah, sure, fine, right.\nWhatever you say.\n\nELAINE\n(Shows no sign that she cares) Alright,\ngood. Good.\n\nALAN\nOk, then, well, So.. see ya around..\nbig head. (Gets up to leave)\n\nELAINE\nPardon?\n\nALAN\nYou got a big head. It's too big for\nyour body. (Walks for the door)\n\nELAINE\n(Laughing out loud) That's it?! (Laughs\nagain) That's the best you got?! (Laughs\nloudly as Alan exits)\n\nJerry's apartment)\n\nGEORGE\nSo, he's keeping the apartment. He doesn't\ndeserve it, though! Even if he did suffer,\nthat was, like, 40 years ago! What has\nhe been doing lately?! I've\n\nbeen suffering for the past 30 years up to and including yesterday!\n\nJERRY\nYou know, if this tenant board is so\nimpressed with suffering, maybe you\nshould tell them the \"Astonishing Tales\nof Costanza\".\n\nGEORGE\n(Interested) I should!\n\nJERRY\nI mean, your body of work in this field\nis unparalleled.\n\nGEORGE\nI could go bumper to bumper with any\none else on this planet!\n\nJERRY\nYou're the man!\n\n(There's an urgent knocking at the door. Jerry answer it. Newman's\nstanding in the doorway)\n\nNEWMAN\nJerry!\n\nJERRY\nI'm with people, I'll be with you in\na moment. (Slams the door on Newman's\nface. Then tries to delay talking to\nNewman by keeping the conversation with\n\nGeorge going) So, you want a protein shake, or something?\n\nGEORGE\nNah, I guess I should really get moving\non this, huh? I'm gonna go. (Opens the\ndoor, letting Newman in. Leaves)\n\nJERRY\n(Angered) Hello.. Newman.\n\nNEWMAN\n(Urgent) I need that mail, where is\nit?!\n\nJERRY\nWhat's the difference?\n\nNEWMAN\nThe guy who had the Hawaii transfer\ngot busted for hoarding Victoria Secret\ncatalogues. I gotta deliver that mail!\n\nJERRY\nWell, go ahead. There's 8 bags of it.\n\nNEWMAN\nBlast! There's no way I can handle 8\nin addition to my ususal load of one!\nI'll never get to Hawaii! (Moves over\nto Jerry's couch, depressed) I'll be\n\nstuck in this apartment building forever! (Lays down on Jerry's\ncouch) The dream is dead.\n\nJERRY\nYou're giving up that easy?\n\nNEWMAN\nI usually do. (Gets up to leave) See\nya.\n\nJERRY\n(Stopping him) No, wait a minute, Newman!\nYou can't let this dream die. You moving\naway is my dream too!\n\nNEWMAN\n(Intrigued) What are you proposing?\n\nJERRY\n(Fast) Whatever it takes, for as long\nas it takes me, where ever it takes\nme as long as it takes you away from\nme!\n\nNEWMAN\nAn alliance?\n\nJERRY\n(Confirming) An alliance. (They both\nshake hands and laugh evily) Now get\nthe hell outta here. (Newman leaves)\n\nJerry's apartment)\n\n(Jerry's sorting mail out on his table)\n\nELAINE\nHawaii? That's why you're helping Newman\nwith the mail?\n\nJERRY\n(Like an Army general) Elaine, Newman\nis my sworn enemy. And he lives down\nthe hall from my home - my home, Elaine!\nWhere I sleep, where I come to\n\nplay with my toys.\n\nELAINE\nWell, anyway, get this: I spoke to Alan.\nYou know, I told him I didn't want to\nsee him anymore.. He called me \"big\nhead\".\n\nJERRY\n\"Big head\" (Scoffs) That's almost a\ncompliment.\n\nELAINE\n(Agreeing) It's one of the nicest things\nanyone's ever said to me.\n\n(The phone rings. Jerry answers it)\n\nJERRY\nHello?\n\nGEORGE\n(On the other line) Hey.\n\nJERRY\nHey, George.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, listen, I can't make it later.\n\nJERRY\nYou can't make it?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, the tenant association has decided\nto hear my side of the story. So, uh,\nI gotta kinda get ready. I'll see ya.\n\nJERRY\nAlright. (Hangs up)\n\nELAINE\nIs he not gonna go to the coffee shop?\n\nJERRY\n(Saddened) Doesn't look like it's gonna\nhappen.\n\nELAINE\n(Gives a \"That's a shame\" face) Alright,\nwell, I'll see ya. (Opens the door to\nexit. Kramer enters coughing. Elaine\ndoes her best to dodge out of the way\nof\n\nKramer's coughs, then walks off)\n\nJERRY\nKramer, aren't you taking any medication\nfor that?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah. (Pulls a bottle out of his\npocket) I got some pilss. They taste\nterrible.\n\nJERRY\n(Takes the bottle from him) Just swallow\n'em.\n\nKRAMER\n(Gestures to his throat) No, my throat's\ntoo tender.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, sit down, sit down. (Grabs\na pill from the bottle, and starts advancing\ntward Kramer - like an owner with his\ndog)\n\nKRAMER\nI don't want to!\n\n(Jerry forces Kramer onto the couch. Kramer resists violently\n- much like a dog would)\n\nJERRY\nC'mon. Just sit down!\n\nKRAMER\n(Squirming) Jerry! What?!\n\nJERRY\nSit down! Sit down!\n\nKRAMER\n(Struggling) Hey!\n\nJERRY\nLean your head back. Open your mouth!\n(Grabs Kramer's head) Open your mouth!\nOpen it! Open it!\n\n(Jerry forces the pill into Kramer's mouth, then holds Kramer's\nmouth shut for a few moments. Thinking Kramer's already swallowed\nit, he lets go. Instantly, Kramer\n\nspits the pill out into the air. Jerry sighs, giving up)\n\nJERRY\n(Reads the pill bottle) What kind of\npills are these, anyways?! \"For Smuckers\"?\n\"May cause panting and loss of fur\"?\n(Turns to Kramer) These are dog\n\npills!\n\nKRAMER\nWhe have the same symptoms.\n\nJERRY\nBut, he's a dog! You need to see a real\ndoctor.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no. No doctors.\n\nJERRY\nAlright.. (Heads for the door, grabbing\nhis coat)\n\nKRAMER\nWhere are you going?\n\nJERRY\nI'm taking the car. I gotta run some\nerrands. You want to go?\n\nKRAMER\nI don't know..\n\nJERRY\n(Opens the door) C'mon, you wanna go\nfor a ride? (Starts jiggling his keys\n- as if he's calling out for a dog)\nHuh? C'mon! C'mon!\n\n(Kramer eagerly gets up and runs out the door. Jerry follows\nKramer out)\n\nTaxi cab)\n\n(Elaine's riding in the back seat of a taxi)\n\nDRIVER\nLady, could you move your head a little\nbit?\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nDRIVER\nYour head. I can't see out the back.\n(Elaine slumps down in her seat) Little\nmore.. (Elaine slumps lower) ..Little\nmore. (Slides down until just her eyes\nand\n\nforehead can be seen) Thank you.\n\nJerry's car)\n\n(Jerry is driving to an unknown destination. Kramer is restless\nin the back. He's scrambling around, looking out the windows\n- just as a dog would)\n\nKRAMER\nI don't see any tissues back her.. (Looks\nout the windows) Wait a minute!.. (Jerry\nlooks like he's trying to keep something\nfrom Kramer) This isn't the\n\nway to the park! (Starts getting even more energetic) Where are\nwe going?.. I recognize this block! (Looks at Jerry, scared)\nYou're taking me to the doctor!\n\nCoffee shop)\n\n(George is at the coffee shop with his parents)\n\nGEORGE\nSo, uh, Mom, Dad, I was hoping that\nyou could help me to remember my childhood\na little clearly..\n\nESTELLE\nI feel a draft. (Grabs the bread basket\nand her drink) Let's change tables.\n\nFRANK\nGet outta here! We have a booth.\n\nESTELLE\nFrank, I'm cold!\n\nFRANK\nOrder a hot dish.\n\nESTELLE\nWhy can't we sit over there? (Points\nto a table)\n\nFRANK\n(Yelling) That's not a booth!\n\nESTELLE\n(Trying to match Frank's loudness) So,\nwho says we have to sit in a booth?!\n\nFRANK\n(Loud shouting) I didn't take the subway\nall the way to New York to sit at a\ntable like that! (Gestures to the table)\n\nESTELLE\n(Nagging yell) Well, I didn't take the\nsubway to be in a drafty restaurant!\n\n(A moment passes)\n\nGEORGE\n(Pleading for them to stop) Mom.. dad.\n\nFRANK\nNow, George, what do you want to know\nabout your childhood?\n\nGEORGE\n(Fed up with his parents) Actually,\nI think I'm pretty clear on it.\n\nFRANK\n(Looks up) Where's that breeze coming\nfrom?\n\nNYC Street)\n\n(Jerry's car is parked outside of the doctor's office. Kramer\nrefuses to get out of the car)\n\nJERRY\nKramer, outta the car. Out, now!\n\nKRAMER\nNo, Jerry!\n\nJERRY\nAlright, that's it.. (Grabs Kramer,\ntrying to pull him out of the car)\n\nKRAMER\nNo! Don't!\n\n(Jerry pulls Kramer out onto the sidewalk. Kramer quickly gets\nup and takes off - running down the street)\n\nJERRY\nHey, hey! Get back over here! Kramer!\nGet over here! You are bad! Bad neighbor!\nKramer!\n\nTenant board room)\n\n(Mr. Eldridge is telling his story to the board members. Each\none looked touched by the tale. George, on the other hand, is\nbored to death. He's leaning back in his\n\nchair in the corner of the room, knocking on the wall - to display\nhow bored he is)\n\nELDRIDGE\nJust then, a rescue ship emerged from\nthe fog and saved us. It was.. (Stops,\nthen gives George a look. George stops\nknocking on the walls) It was the\n\nsweetest sight my eyes ever saw.\n\nRICARDI\n(Touched) Thank you Mr. Eldridge. The\ntenant board will now hear Mr. Costanza's\ntestimony.\n\n(George gets up, walks over to Mr. Eldridge, then gestures for\nhim to give up his chair. Eldridge reluctantly gets up and takes\nGeorge's seat in the corner)\n\nNewman's apartment)\n\n(Jerry enters. Newman has an ice pac on his ankle)\n\nJERRY\nNewman, how'd it go? Did you get it\nall delivered? (Sees the pac) What happened?\n\nNEWMAN\nKramer bit me!\n\nJERRY\nBit you?!\n\nNEWMAN\nWe had an arguement about me going to\nHawaii, and he locked onto my ankle\nlike it was a soup bone. I'm hubbled!\nI don't think I can do my route -\n\nand they're awarding the transfer in two days!\n\nJERRY\n(Bravely) Well, what if I deliver it?\n\nNEWMAN\nYou?! (Laughs hysterically) You can't\ndeliver mail!\n\nJERRY\nWell, why not?\n\nNEWMAN\n(Thinks for a moment) I guess you're\nright. It's just walking around putting\nit into boxes..\n\nJERRY\nWhat am I gonna wear?\n\nNEWMAN\nI could give you my uniform from my\nrookie year.\n\nJERRY\n(Excited) I can't believe I'm gonna\nbe a mailman!\n\n(Scene cuts to Jerry on Newman's route. He's walking along a\ncity street with a mail cart. He stops infront of a store owner\nbrooming the sidewalk)\n\nJERRY\n(Hands him some mail) There you go.\nMerry Chirstmas!\n\nOWNER\nMail on Sunday?\n\nJERRY\n(Shrugs) Oops. (Continues walking along\nthe route, whistling. Hands a newspaper\nto a homeless bum on the street, then\nkeeps walking)\n\nTenant board room)\n\n(George is telling the board his astonishing life stories. Every\nboard member seems to be deeply moved by them)\n\nGEORGE\nI was handcuffed to the bed.. In my\nunderwear, (Sighs) where I remained..\n(Scene cuts to another story) She was\nattractive.. She was, also, infact,\na\n\nNazi.. (Cuts to another story) The water.. that I had been swiming\nin was.. very cold. And, when I dropped the towel, there was..\nsignificant shrinkage.. (Scene cuts\n\nto, yet, another story) Her parents were looking at me.. So,\nthere I was, with a marble rye hanging from the end of a fishing\npole.. (Scene cuts to his closing\n\nstatements) In closing, these stories have not been embellished,\nbecause - they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly,\nthe story of my life as a short,\n\nstocky, slow witted bald man. (Gets up) Thank you. (Every memeber\nof the board shows some sign that George's story is most deserving\nof the apartment. Ricardi\n\nis crying. George turns to leave, then remembers one more thing..)\nOh, also.. my fiance died from licking toxic envelopes that I\npicked out. (Sobs and loud crying\n\nerupts from the board members) Thanks again. (Leaves. Eldridge\nlooks defeated)\n\nNewman's apartment)\n\n(Jerry returns to get another bag of mail)\n\nJERRY\nHey, I've been trying to jam stuff in\nthe box, like you told me, but sometimes\nit says, like, \"Photographs - Do not\nbend\".\n\nNEWMAN\n\"Do not bend\". (Laughs evilly) Just\ncrease, crumple, cram.. you'll do fine.\n(Phone rings. Newman answers it) Hello?..\nThis is he. I don't understand..\n\nvery well. (Hangs up in disappointment)\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nNEWMAN\nThat was the Vice President of the post\noffice. I didn't get the transfer..\nThey knew it wasn't me doing my route!\n\nJERRY\nHow did they know?!\n\nJERRY\n(Pleading) I tried my best!\n\nNEWMAN\nExactly. You're a disgrace to the uniform.\n(Newman takes off Jerry's mailman hat.\nJerry turns his head in shame. Newman\nthen tears the post office\n\nbadge from Jerry's coat)\n\nJERRY\nYou know, this is your coat.\n\nNEWMAN\n(Realizing) Damn!\n\nCentral park)\n\n(Elaine passes a man on a bench. All the sudden, a bird flies\nright into Elaine's head, and falls to the ground. The bird regains\nit's balance, and flies off. The man on\n\nthe bench is staring in awe)\n\nMAN 2\nHe flew right into your head. Like he\ncouldn't avoid it.\n\nELAINE\n(Rubbing her head to relieve the pain)\nReally?\n\nMAN 2\nNever seen that before. Bird into a\nwoman's head..\n\n(Elaine covers her head with her hands, and runs off)\n\nCoffee shop)\n\nGEORGE\nIt's not contest. The guy had nothing!\nThe ship went down, he got into a life\nboat, I mean, come on.\n\nJERRY\nBoy, he didn't know what he was up against.\n(George laughs) So, when do you move\ninto the apartment?\n\nGEORGE\nThey're making their decision today.\n\n(Elaine enters. She has a scarf over her head - trying to tie\nher hair down. She looks angered at something)\n\nJERRY\nWhat's the matter with you?\n\nELAINE\nNothing.. Except that a bird ran into\nmy giant freak-head. (Sits down)\n\nJERRY\nWhat giant freak-head?\n\nELAINE\n(Annoyed, near tears) The one that sits\natop my disproportunately puny body..\nI'm a walking candy apple!\n\nJERRY\nSo, it's actually gotten to you? You're\nplaying right into his hands!\n\nELAINE\n(Realizing) What? Yeah.. you're right!..\nAll I have to do is call him up, and\nsit with him, and show him that it doesn't\nbother me. You know, laugh it off..\nor\n\njam a fork into his forehead.\n\nJERRY\n(Casually, sarcastic) Either way.\n\nELAINE\n(Getting up to leave) Alright.\n\nRestaurant)\n\nALAN\nI want to apologize for..\n\nELAINE\n(Shrugging it off) Oh, please.\n\nALAN\nSo you have a big head.\n\nELAINE\n(Casually playing along) So what?\n\nALAN\nIt goes well with that bump in your\nnose.\n\nELAINE\n(Suddenly angry) What?!\n\n(Scene cuts to the outside of the restaurant. A woman runs out\nof the restaurant and stops a passing Kramer)\n\nWOMAN\nPlease! Get help! There's a crazy big-headed\nwoman beating up some guy! Tell the\npolice \"The Old Mill Restaurant\". Hurry!\n\n(Kramer takes off running down the street, looking for a cop.\nHe meets up with two officers exiting an ice cream shop. Before\nhe can tell them the urgent message,\n\nhe starts coughing uncontrollably)\n\nCOP\nBoy, that's some cough you got there.\n\n(Kramer keeps coughing while making gestures)\n\nCOP 2\nNo, I think he's trying to tell us something.\nWhat is it? (Between coughs, Kramer\nmanages to say the word \"trouble\") Trouble?!\nTrouble? Where? Where's\n\ntrouble? (Kramer coughs out the words \"Old Mill\") Trouble at\nthe Old Mill?! Oh my god! Good boy, good boy! Lead the way! Come\non.\n\n(Kramer starts running back to the restaurant, the cops following\nhim)\n\nGeorge's apartment building)\n\n(George enters the hallway only to find that a bandaged-up Alan\nis moving boxes into George's would-be-apartment)\n\nGEORGE\nExcuse me, uh, what are you doing in\nthere?\n\nALAN\nI'm moving in. Alan Mercer. New neighbor.\n(They shake hands)\n\nGEORGE\nWhat? Elaine's big-head guy? They have\nyou the apartment?!\n\nALAN\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy?! Because you were stabbed, and..\ngot coffee thrown in your face, and..\nuh.. (Points to Alan's bandaged forehead)\n\nALAN\nOh, fork in the forehead.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's why they gave you the apartment?\n\nALAN\nNo, I just gave the super 50 bucks.\n\nGEORGE\nWait a minute, that is my apartment.\nI earned it with 34 years of misery!\n\nALAN\nTough luck, chinless. (Goes into his\nnew apartment, and slams the door on\nGeorge)\n\n(George starts acting self-conscious about his chin - much like\nElaine and her head)\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Little-Jerry.html",
    "text": "THE LITTLE JERRY\n\nWritten by\n\nJennifer Crittenden\n\n(Jerry and Elaine are waiting on the street for George.)\n\nJERRY\nSo what happened to you yesterday? We\nwere supposed to go to the auto show,\nI waited for you, you never came.\n\nELAINE\nI'm sorry, I got really busy. How long\ndid you wait?\n\nJERRY\nFive minutes.\n\nELAINE\nFive minutes? That's it?\n\nJERRY\nWhat's the difference? You never showed\nup.\n\nELAINE\nI could've! I mean, last week we waited\nfor that friend of Kramer's for like,\nforty minutes.\n\nJERRY\nWell, we barely knew the guy.\n\nELAINE\nSo, the longer you know someone, the\nshorter you wait for 'em.\n\nJERRY\nThat's the way it works.\n\nELAINE\nWhen did you tell George to be here?\n\nJERRY\nI told him to meet us here in ten minutes.\nHow long has it been?\n\nELAINE\nAbout five.\n\nJERRY\nThat's enough. (They leave. George comes\naround the corner.)\n\nGEORGE\nEarly! Alright! (shivers.) Cold.\n\nCommercial break.\n\nNew scene - Jerry and Kramer in a booth at the coffee shop.\n\nKRAMER\nSo, I noticed you bounced a check at\nthe bodega.\n\nJERRY\nHow did you know about that?\n\nKRAMER\nBecause Marcelino, he taped it up on\nhis cash register with all the other\nbad checks.\n\nJERRY\nHe can't do that.\n\nKRAMER\nIt's the only way you'll learn. (Tastes\nhis eggs.) Aw, these eggs are disgusting.\nThis chicken should be ashamed of himself.\n\n(George enters and sits down.)\n\nGEORGE\nFantastic day! Fantastic!\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, first, I'm brushing my teeth and\nthis piece of apple-skin, that must\nhave been lodged in there for days,\ncomes loose.\n\nJERRY\nFantastic.\n\nGEORGE\nThen, I'm at The Foundation...\n\nJERRY\nYou're still doing that?\n\nGEORGE\nSometimes, once in a while.\n\nJERRY\nWhen you feel guilty.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, occasionally I'll forget to let\nthe machine pick up. Anyway, they made\nthis large donation to a women's prison,\nand I get to go down there and check\nit out.\n\nKRAMER\nThat's caged heat.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah-hah!\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you gonna do there?\n\nGEORGE\nNothing really, you know...just stroll\naround the cell blocks, maybe take in\na shower fight. (chuckles.) Hey, you\nknow you got a bounced check hanging\nup in the little market over on Columbus?\n\nJERRY\nYes, I know, I know.\n\nGEORGE\nI noticed you chose the \"clowns with\nballoons\" check design.\n\nJERRY\nIt was a mistake, the bank sent me the\nwrong ones.\n\n(Elaine enters with her new boyfriend, Kurt.)\n\nELAINE\nHey! Look who's here! Hey Kurt, this\nis Jerry, and George, and Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Kurt. Taste these eggs.\n\nKURT\nUh, no - I only eat cage-free, farm-fresh.\n\nKRAMER\nYes! These are sweatshop eggs. (Kramer\ngets up to leave by climbing over the\nback of the booth. He loses it and falls\non the floor, then regains his composure\nand walks out with his napkin still\ntucked in his collar.)\n\nKURT\nI gotta call the office. Honey, would\nyou order for me?\n\nELAINE\nI'm a \"honey.\" He's pretty great, huh?\n\nJERRY\nIs he from the future?\n\nELAINE\nNo, he just shaves his head. I think\nit's pretty gutsy.\n\nGEORGE\nListen, sweetheart, let me tell you\na little something about guts. (Points\nto his head.) This is guts.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? Clinging to some scraps?\n\nGEORGE\nThese are not \"scraps.\" These are historic\nremains of a once great society of hair.\n\nELAINE\nOh, did you guys stop at the bodega\ntoday? Some moron bounced a clown check!\n\nJERRY\nAgain, I'm really sorry about the check,\nMarcelino.\n\nMARCELINO\nPeople seem to like the clowns.\n\nJERRY\nLook, let me just give you the forty,\nplus another twenty for your trouble.\n\nMARCELINO\n'Kay.\n\nJERRY\nAren't you going to take the check down?\n\nMARCELINO\nSorry, no. It's store policy.\n\nJERRY\nBut it's your bodega.\n\nMARCELINO\nEven I am not above the policy.\n\n(Jerry leaves while giving Marcelino a dirty look.)\n\nNew scene - George touring the women's prison with Betsy, the\n\"warden.\"\n\nBETSY\nThose are our tennis courts.\n\nGEORGE\nTennis courts? What about the yard?\nWhere do they have the gang fights?\n\nBETSY\nThere's no fights here, Mr. Costanza.\nThis is a minimum security facility.\n\nGEORGE\nHmm. What about a hole? You ever put\nanybody in \"the box\"?\n\nBETSY\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nThis prison stinks.\n\nBETSY\nAnd finally, the library, which has\njust been refurbished thanks to your\ngenerous donation. This is Celia Morgan,\nour librarian.\n\nCELIA\nNice to meet you.\n\nBETSY\nI'll be in my office if you need me.\n\nGEORGE\nThanks, Warden.\n\nBETSY\nBetsy.\n\nGEORGE\nBetsy.\n\nCELIA\nSo, are you the head of the foundation?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, let's just say it wouldn't exist\nwithout me. (Notices another person\nin the library dressed the same as Celia.)\nSo uh, you two shop at the same store?\n\nCELIA\nNo, it's standard issue.\n\nGEORGE\nOh my God...you're in jail? (Celia nods.)\nThat is so cool!\n\nNew scene in Jerry's apartment later that day.\n\nJERRY\nYou asked her out?\n\nGEORGE\nWell...not \"out.\" She's in prison.\n\nJERRY\nHow could you ask her out?\n\nGEORGE\nWhy not?\n\nJERRY\nI remember when you wouldn't date that\ngirl who lived in Queens because you\ndidn't want to go over the bridge!\n\nGEORGE\nThat was different!\n\nJERRY\nI'll say.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, I like being with her. Plus,\nI know where she is all the time. I\nhave relatively no competition. And\nyou know how you live in fear of the\npop-in?\n\nJERRY\nThe pop-in.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, no pop-in, no \"in the neighborhood,\"\nno \"I saw your light was on.\" And the\nbest part is, if things go really well...\n\nJERRY\nConjugal visit?\n\nGEORGE\nDon't jinx it!\n\n(Kramer enters.)\n\nKRAMER\nHey. What's up?\n\nJERRY\nGeorge is dating a convict.\n\nKRAMER\nOh? What's she in for?\n\nGEORGE\nEmbezzlement.\n\nKRAMER\nSounds like a nice girl. Hey Jerry,\nis it all right if I put some stuff\nin your fridge? 'Cause mine's full.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, sure. You don't even have a fridge,\ndo you?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, not here. (Goes into the hallway,\ncomes back in with a huge bag of chicken\nfeed.)\n\nJERRY\nKramer, wait a minute, what the hell\nis that?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, it's chicken feed. (Slams the\nbag into Jerry's fridge.)\n\nJERRY\nI sense something is afoot.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I bought a chicken.\n\n(Jerry is about to reply, but George interrupts.)\n\nGEORGE\nAllow me. Why?\n\nKRAMER\nCage-free, farm-fresh eggs.\n\n(George is about to reply, but Jerry interrupts.)\n\nJERRY\nAllow me. What are you, an idiot?\n\nNew scene - Elaine's apartment at night. Elaine is about to pay\na delivery guy for some food.\n\nKURT\nHold it, hold it, I got it. Catch. (Tosses\nhis wallet to Elaine, she pays the delivery\nguy.)\n\nELAINE\nHey, driver's licence. Oh...my God.\n\nKURT\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nYour hair. It's so thick and lustrous.\nI mean, it...it was.\n\nKURT\nWell, it still is. I shave my head for\nmy swim team. I just liked the way it\nlooked, so I kept it.\n\nELAINE\nAre you saying that I could be dating\nthis hair? With you under it? (Kurt\nshrugs.)\n\nNew scene - Jerry in bed at the crack of dawn. We hear a rooster\ncrowing. Jerry gets up and knocks on Kramer's door, bleary-eyed.\nKramer answers the door with a rooster under his arm.\n\nJERRY\nIs that your \"chicken\" making all that\nnoise?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, Jerry loves the morning.\n\nJERRY\nWho?\n\nKRAMER\nLittle Jerry Seinfeld. I named my chicken\nafter you.\n\nJERRY\nThanks, that's very sweet, but that\nis not a chicken.\n\nKRAMER\nOf course it is. I picked it out myself.\n\nJERRY\nWell, you picked out a rooster.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, that would explain Little Jerry's\npoor egg production.\n\n(Jerry nods and shuffles back to his place. Kramer turns Little\nJerry upside down to see if he's actually a rooster or not...)\n\nNew scene - George visiting Celia at the prison.\n\nCELIA\nThis was fun.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. I had a great time.\n\nGUARD\nFive minutes, Mr. Costanza.\n\nGEORGE\nThe whole hour just flew by. (Begins\ncleaning up the table.)\n\nGUARD\nI'll get that.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, thanks, Bobby. (To Celia) Well,\nI guess I'll see you in four days.\n\nCELIA\nGo out and have a ball with the guys.\nI'll be waiting right here for you.\n\nGEORGE\nOf course you will. You're the best.\n\nNew scene - Jerry's apartment, the same day. The phone rings.\n\nJERRY\nHello?\n\nHELEN\nJerry? Leo told us he saw your bounced\ncheck. Are you having money problems?\n\nJERRY\nI'm not having money problems.\n\nHELEN\nEnough with the comedy! You're very\nclever, you should look into advertising.\n\nMORTY\nHe never even called Ed Roydlick. They\nwere looking for someone!\n\nJERRY\nI'm not calling Ed Roydlick. I'm doing\nfine! (George enters.)\n\nHELEN\nThat's it. I'm going to send you fifty\ndollars.\n\nJERRY\nYou are NOT sending me fifty dollars!\n\nHELEN\nWe're sending you fifty dollars! Morty,\nget me an envelope.\n\nJERRY\nI swear to God, if you send me fifty\ndollars, you are gonna be so sorry!\n\nMORTY\nI don't see envelopes!\n\nHELEN\nThey're right in front of you! Oh, for\nheaven's sakes... (She puts the phone\ndown on the couch and goes to help Morty.)\n\nJERRY\nMa! Ma! MA! (Hangs up the phone in disgust.)\n\nGEORGE\nHow're the folks?\n\nJERRY\nGood.\n\nGEORGE\nSo? Movie tonight?\n\nJERRY\nI thought you were going out with Celia.\n\nGEORGE\nI did. I'm back. I love this relationship,\nI feel so liberated!\n\nJERRY\nHaving her in jail.\n\nGEORGE\nThe only thing that bothers me is that\nI'm just coming up with this now.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, dating a convicted felon. I don't\nknow how you missed it.\n\n(Elaine enters.)\n\nELAINE\nHere. (Shows Kurt's driver's licence\nto Jerry.) Take a look at that.\n\nJERRY\nHuh. Kurt's an organ donor.\n\nELAINE\nNo! He's not bald. Look! He's got a\nfull head of hair. (George overhears\nand stands up, concerned.)\n\nJERRY\nSo he just shaves his head for no reason?\n\nGEORGE\nThat's like using a wheelchair for the\nfun of it!\n\nELAINE\nAnd he's growing it in just for me.\n(Happily) It's mine. It's all mine.\n\nJERRY\nIt's just hair.\n\nELAINE\nIt's not just hair! Look! (Shows Kurt's\nlicence to Jerry again.)\n\nJERRY\nIt's brown.\n\nELAINE\nIt's chestnut with auburn highlights!\n\nJERRY\nSo?\n\nELAINE\nYou're not around women. You don't know\nhow important a man's hair is. (They\nboth look at George, who is reading\na newspaper and struggling to keep his\ncomposure.) I'm sorry, George, but it's\ntrue.\n\nGEORGE\nI knew it.\n\nNew scene - Kramer walking Little Jerry Seinfeld down the street\non a leash. He goes into Marcelino's.\n\nMARCELINO\nHey, Kramer. Nice rooster. What's his\nname?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, this is Little Jerry Seinfeld.\n\nMARCELINO\nLittle Jerry Seinfeld. Does he bounce\nchecks? (laughs)\n\nKRAMER\nLook, can't you take Jerry's check down?\n\nMARCELINO\nSorry Kramer, can't help you.\n\n(A guy walks into the bodega with his dog. The dog and Little\nJerry get into a tussle, and Little Jerry sends the dog packin.')\n\nMARCELINO\nI like the way he handles himself.\n\n(Kramer picks Little Jerry up. He's upside down. Kramer turns\nhim around the right way.)\n\nNew scene - Elaine checking out Kurt's head at her apartment.\n\nELAINE\nOh, it's coming in already! Wow, you\nhave some very nice little seedlings\nhere. Huh...\n\nKURT\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nWell, it doesn't seem to be coming in\nso good over here. Or here.\n\nKURT\nWhat do you mean? (Goes into the bedroom\nto look in the mirror.)\n\nELAINE\nWell, I don't know...how long have you\nbeen shaving your head for?\n\nKURT\nAbout three years.\n\nELAINE\nHuh.\n\nKURT\nOh my God! (Steps into the doorway)\nI'm going bald!\n\nNew scene - George and Celia in the prison library.\n\nCELIA\nGeorge! I'm so glad to see you!\n\nGEORGE\nHey, I brought you some cigarettes.\nYou buy yourself something nice.\n\nCELIA\nGood news - I'm up for parole.\n\nGEORGE\nParole! (Feigning joy) That's dynamite!\n\nNew scene - Kramer and Jerry in Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nSo Marcelino's going to take down the\ncheck?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, it comes down if Little Jerry\nSeinfeld wins the cockfight.\n\nJERRY\nGreat! (realizing) What?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, Marcelino, he has cockfights in\nthe back of his store.\n\nJERRY\nAh ha...\n\nKRAMER\nSo, he says if Little Jerry Seinfeld\nwins, the check comes down.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, cockfighting is illegal.\n\nKRAMER\nOnly in The United States.\n\nJERRY\nIt's inhumane!\n\nKRAMER\nNo, Jerry, it's not what you think it\nis.\n\nJERRY\nIt's two roosters peckin' at each other!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nYeah!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I thought they wore gloves and\nhelmets, you know, like \"American Gladiators.\"\n\nJERRY\nNo Kramer, Little Jerry could get hurt.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I left him with Marcelino!\n\n(Jerry shrugs and holds his hands out.)\n\nKRAMER\nMy Little Jerry! (Runs out.)\n\nCommercial break.\n\nContinuation of last scene - Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nHey, did you get Little Jerry, is he\nO.K.?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, he's more than O.K., he won!\n\nJERRY\nYou let him fight?\n\nKRAMER\nI couldn't get there in time to stop\nit, but you should have seen Little\nJerry, Jerry! Flappin' his wings and\nstruttin' his stuff! He was peckin'\nand weavin' and bobbin' and talkin'\ntrash! He didn't even have to touch\nhim! The other rooster ran out of the\nring. The whole fight lasted two seconds.\n\nJERRY\nHow long do they usually last?\n\nKRAMER\nFive seconds. And Marcelino says he's\ntaking your check down today.\n\nJERRY\nGreat!\n\n(George walks in.)\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nGEORGE\nCelia's up for parole.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Little Jerry won his cockfight.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nWho?\n\n(They both look at Jerry.)\n\nJERRY\nI'm too tired.\n\nKRAMER\nO.K., listen, I want you to come by\nlater, alright? 'Cause we're having\na victory party for Little Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nAlright. (Kramer leaves.)\n\nGEORGE\nIt's over, Jerry. She's gettin' out.\n\nJERRY\nAh, I'm so sorry.\n\nGEORGE\nShe's been locked up for two years.\nShe's gonna want to make up for lost\ntime. Dinners. Movies. (Rubs his forehead.)\nTalking...\n\nJERRY\nIn other words, a normal relationship.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd that's no good. I've tried it straight,\nJerry. We've all seen the results. For\nme, sick is the only way to go.\n\nJERRY\nWell, she'll still be an ex-con.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's not the same.\n\nJERRY\nHey, if you two are meant to be together...I'm\nsure the cops'll pick her up on something.\n\nNew scene - Elaine meets a bummed-out Kurt at the coffee shop.\n\nELAINE\nKurt? What's with the sweats? Aren't\nwe going out?\n\nKURT\nI don't care.\n\nELAINE\nYou, uh...got a big stain on your shirt.\n\nKURT\nYeah...meatball...fell out of my sandwich.\n\nELAINE\nYou already ate?\n\nKURT\nIt's from yesterday.\n\nNew scene - Jerry and Marcelino at the bodega.\n\nMARCELINO\nJerry! You missed a hell of a cockfight\nlast night.\n\nJERRY\nThen what is my check still doing up?\nWe had a deal!\n\nMARCELINO\nNow we have a new deal.\n\nJERRY\nNew deal?\n\nMARCELINO\nWhen Little Jerry Seinfeld is mine,\nthe check will be yours.\n\nJERRY\nThis is outrageous! (To Marcelino) Pack\nof Juicy Fruit.\n\nMARCELINO\n85 cents.\n\nJERRY\n85 cents? That is outrageous!\n\nNew scene - Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, Marcelino wants us to sell him\nLittle Jerry Seinfeld.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, that's out of the question.\n\nJERRY\nBut Kramer, cockfighting is an illegal\nand immoral activity.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, if you got a loser. But Little\nJerry was born to cockfight!\n\nJERRY\nNo, no more cockfighting. Let's just\nsell him to Marcelino the cockfighter\nand be done with it!\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, I think you're jealous.\n\nJERRY\nOf what?\n\nKRAMER\nYah, yah! You see in Little Jerry Seinfeld\nthe unlimited future you once had. Now,\njust because Jerry Seinfeld is a has-been,\ndon't make Little Jerry Seinfeld a never-was!\n\nJERRY\nKramer, give me that rooster!\n\nKRAMER\nNever! You hate him because he's doing\nmore with your name than you ever will!\nYah-yah! (Kramer leaves.)\n\nNew scene - George in Betsy's office at the prison.\n\nBETSY\nGeorge, Celia has listed you as a character\nreference. Whatever you can tell us\nwould certainly be helpful in her getting\nparoled.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, anything I can do to help, um...she's\na wonderful girl. Very smart. Very...crafty.\n\nBETSY\nDoes she have any plans after she's\nreleased?\n\nGEORGE\nPlans. Schemes. She keeps talking about\ngetting back together with her old friends\n- \"the gang,\" as she likes to call them,\nyou know. Yeah, they're hatching something,\nyou can count on that.\n\nNew scene - Marcelino at Jerry's apartment door.\n\nMARCELINO\nJerry! Tonight's fight-night. Where's\nmy rooster?\n\nJERRY\nKramer won't sell.\n\nMARCELINO\nWell, tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm\ngonna take down your check anyway.\n\nJERRY\nWell, thank you, Marcelino.\n\nMARCELINO\nWell, perhaps someday you will do me\na favor. And that day is today. Little\nJerry Seinfeld must go down in the third\nround of tomorrow's main event.\n\nJERRY\nYou want Little Jerry to take a dive?\n\nMARCELINO\nShhh, not so loud.\n\nJERRY\nFirst of all, I don't think you can\nmake a rooster take a dive.\n\nMARCELINO\nCan, too!\n\nJERRY\nSecond of all, Jerry Seinfeld - big\nor little - doesn't go down for anyone,\nanywhere, at anytime! Now I'd appreciate\nit if you please leave.\n\nMARCELINO\nBig Jerry is making a big mistake, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nWe'll see about that. (Runs to the window\nand shouts up to Kramer, who's on the\nroof.) Kramer, I'm comin' up! We got\na cockfight to win!\n\nKRAMER\nO.K.!\n\nNew scene - Kurt at George's apartment.\n\nKURT\nElaine said you would be the best person\nI could talk to.\n\nGEORGE\nYep. Classic horseshoe pattern. I've\nseen a lot of this.\n\nKURT\nOh, God.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no, Kurt - wrong attitude. You should\nbe happy now.\n\nKURT\nHappy? Why should I be happy?\n\nGEORGE\nYou've still got pretty good coverage.\nOnce the enemy advances beyond this\nperimeter - (points at Kurt's head with\na pen) - then you won't be Kurt anymore.\n\nKURT\nWho will I be?\n\n(George points at himself. Kurt shudders.)\n\nKURT\nHow long do I have?\n\nGEORGE\n14 months. Maybe 10.\n\nKURT\nIs there anything I can do?\n\nGEORGE\nYes. Live, dammit. Live! Every precious\nmoment as if this was the last year\nof your life. Because in many ways...it\nis. (There's a knock at the door.) Excuse\nme.\n\n(George answers the door. Celia enters.)\n\nGEORGE\nCelia? What are you doing here?\n\nCELIA\nWell, I didn't get my parole, so I busted\nout.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd you just decided to pop in...!\n\nNew scene - Kurt shows up at Elaine's apartment.\n\nELAINE\nKurt!\n\nKURT\nElaine...(holds out a wedding ring)\nWill you marry me? (Elaine is shocked.)\n\nNew scene - Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's kitchen, training Little\nJerry for his cockfight.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah. He's lookin' good, huh Jerry?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Alright, I think that's enough\nfor today. (Kramer picks up Little Jerry\nand takes him to the sink.) Little Jerry\nis lean, mean, peckin' machine! (Kramer\nstarts filling a pot with water.) What\nare you doing with that?\n\nKRAMER\nI'm just gonna heat this up. Make a\nlittle hot-tub for Little Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHey, Kramer...?\n\n(Kramer looks at Jerry.)\n\nJERRY\nBe careful. (George enters.) Hey, guess\nwhat! Little Jerry ran from here to\nNewman's in under thirty seconds!\n\nGEORGE\nIs that good?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know. Where have you been?\n\nGEORGE\nCelia broke out of prison. I'm sitting\nin my home, she shows up at the door!\n\nJERRY\nOh my God! The break-out/pop-in!\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Hey Jerry, listen to this. I discovered\nsomething even better than conjugal\nvisit sex. Fugitive sex! Now, it's like\neverytime -\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, this is a little too much for\nme - escaped convicts, fugitive sex...I\ngot a cockfight to focus on. (Jerry\nleaves.)\n\nCut back to Elaine and Kurt at Elaine's apartment.\n\nELAINE\nHey Kurt, slow down! I just can't marry\nyou, whim-bam-boom! I mean, I need some\n\"fiance-time,\" I need some \"make-my-girlfriends-jealous\"\ntime...\n\nKURT\nPlus, you want to get to know me.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, yeah, that too.\n\nKURT\nWell, how much time?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know...a year?\n\nKURT\nNo, no, no...it has to be now.\n\nELAINE\nCould I see the ring again?\n\nNew scene - Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer at the cockfight\nin back of Marcelino's store.\n\nJERRY\nSo, you're actually considering it?\n\nELAINE\nWell, it'll be a couple of years before\nhe's completely bald. Those'll be good\ntimes.\n\nJERRY\nMarriage is a big step, Elaine. Your\nlife'll totally change.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, it's three-thirty in the morning.\nI'm at a cockfight. What am I clinging\nto? (George comes over.)\n\nGEORGE\nHey, sorry I'm late.\n\nJERRY\nWhere's Celia?\n\nGEORGE\nShe didn't want to come, she's not really\ninto sports. (Kramer comes over with\nLittle Jerry.)\n\nJERRY\nHey, how's he doin'?\n\nKRAMER\nHe's got a big sweat going. (Takes an\nenvelope out of his pocket.) Oh, this\ncame for you express-mail. It's from\nyour parents.\n\nJERRY\nFifty dollars. I don't believe this!\n\nKRAMER\nThere's Marcelino. (Marcelino enters\nthe ring holding a huge white rooster.)\n\nJERRY\nLook at the size of his bird!\n\nKRAMER\nThat looks like a dog with a glove on\nhis head.\n\nNew scene - Kurt at George's door. Celia answers.\n\nKURT\nHi, is George back from the cockfight\nyet? You know, I gotta thank him, he\nchanged my life.\n\nCELIA\nNo, it must have been a good fight,\nhe's not back yet.\n\nKURT\nAh, damn.\n\n(Two detectives show up at the door behind Kurt.)\n\nDETECTIVE #1\nSorry to bother you, Mr. Costanza. Well,\nwell, well. Look who's here.\n\nCELIA\nAw, man!\n\nDETECTIVE #2\nMr. Costanza, you're under arrest for\naiding and abetting a known fugitive.\n\nKURT\nI'm not George Costanza.\n\nDETECTIVE #2\nSave it. We know you're bald. We know\nit's you. Let's go! (They escort Kurt\nand Celia out.)\n\nCut back to the cockfight.\n\nELAINE\nMuchos gracias. (Turns back to Jerry\nand Kramer.) O.K., I got the whole scoop.\nMarcelino flew the bird in from Ecuador.\nHe's 68 and 0!\n\nJERRY\nHe's a ringer!\n\nGEORGE\nWhere's the tamale guy? (The bell rings,\nand the cockfight begins.)\n\nKRAMER\nLittle Jerry's going to get his clock\ncleaned. I gotta get him outta there.\n\n(A man at the edge of the ring drops Little Jerry in. Everything\nnow happens in slow-motion.)\n\nKRAMER\nLittle Jerry!\n\nJERRY\nKramer!\n\nELAINE\nStop the fight!\n\nGEORGE\nTamale!\n\n(Kramer lands in the ring and grabs ahold of Little Jerry. Marcelino's\nrooster closes in. We see Jerry, George and Elaine with shocked\nexpressions on their faces, then hear pecking sounds and Kramer\nyelping and screaming from inside the ring.)\n\nCommercial break.\n\nNew scene - Elaine talking to Kurt in jail on a phone through\nthe glass.\n\nELAINE\nWhy did you get into a fist fight with\nthe cop? You were innocent!\n\nKURT\nThey thought I was George. I'm not that\nbald. I have too little time left to\ntake that kind of crap, so I slugged\nhim.\n\nELAINE\nSo, how long are you gonna be in here\nfor?\n\nKURT\nWell, my lawyer says 14 months, but\nwith good behavior, maybe...10?\n\nELAINE\nSo, 10 to 14 months.\n\nKURT\nYeah.\n\n(Elaine hangs up the phone, takes Kurt's ring off her finger,\ndrops it in the tray and leaves.)\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Money.html",
    "text": "THE MONEY\n\nWritten by\n\nPeter Mehlman\n\n(Kramer's Apartment)\n\nKramer and Emily are in bed, having just finished their lovemaking.\nThey're\n\nboth looking very satisfied and smiling.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, that was alright, huh?\n\nEMILY\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, um, goodnight.\n\nEMILY\nGoodnight.\n\nsnuggles up to him and puts an arm around him. Kramer doesn't\nlook\n\ncomfortable with this.\n\n(Kramer's Apartment, Later)\n\nTHE CLOCK READS 3\n31. Kramer is lying on his back, sleeping.\nBeside him,\n\nEmily lies face-down, sleeping, with her arms flung out wide.\nOne hand is on\n\nthe pillow above Kramer's head, then it moves and Emily's forearm\nruns\n\nacross Kramer's face, waking him. Kramer looks disgruntled at\nbeing\n\nawakened.\n\nKRAMER\n(quietly, to himself) Look at this.\n\nHe picks up Emily's hand and moves it back to the pillow behind\nhis head,\n\nonly for the same thing to happen again. Emily's hand moves across\nhis face.\n\nKramer looks unhappy at the disturbance.\n\n(Kramer's Apartment, Later Still)\n\nTHE CLOCK READS 5\n11. A wide awake Kramer is right over\nto the edge of the\n\nbed, with Emily cuddled up to him, sleeping happily. Kramer tries\nto\n\ncarefully move, so as to not wake Emily, but as he shifts his\nweight, he\n\nslips off the end of the mattress and falls to the floor. Emily\nrolls into\n\nthe space vacated, continuing to sleep.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry and his parents enter, carrying a selection of luggage.\n\nHELEN\nJerry, we can only stay four days.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I'm upset, but we'll make the\nmost of it.\n\nMorty and Helen remove their coats.\n\nMORTY\nHelen, did you pack my travel gym?\n\nHELEN\nYes. (to Jerry) Oh, your father bought\na exercise device off the\n\ntelevision. He does it every morning at four.\n\nMORTY\nOnly twenty-five minutes a day, and\nyou can attach it to any\n\ndoorknob.\n\nJERRY\nHuh. So, I guess your travel miles are\nabout to expire.\n\nJerry carries two cases through into the bedroom as his parents\nsit on the\n\ncouch.\n\nHELEN\nWell, actually, Jerry, we wanted to\ntalk to you about something.\n\nJerry reenters.\n\nJERRY\nAm I finally getting a baby brother?\n\nHELEN\nJerry, be serious.\n\nMORTY\nHow would you feel if we sold the Cadillac?\n\nJERRY\nWhat? The Cadillac I bought for you?\n\nMORTY\nIt's too much car, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nAw, c'mon, you love that car. What about\nthe Northstar system?\n\nMORTY\nI don't think we even use it.\n\nJERRY\nWell, it's a gift and I want you to\nkeep it.\n\nHELEN\nWe already sold it.\n\nJERRY\nWh..why didn't you tell me before you\nsold it?\n\nMORTY\nBecause we had a buyer, and we couldn't\nget a free flight until now.\n\nHELEN\nWell, we could, but we wanted the bulkhead.\n\nJERRY\n(exasperated) Ugh.\n\nJerry turns away towards the kitchen as Kramer enters.\n\nKRAMER\n(to Jerry) Man, that Emily is wearing\nme out.\n\nJERRY\nKramer.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, no. It's not the sex, Jerry.\n(noticing Morty and Helen)\n\nHeyy! Seinfelds.\n\nHELEN\nHi Kramer.\n\nMORTY\nHiya Kramer.\n\nJERRY\nWe're in the middle of a discussion\nhere.\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah? What about?\n\nHELEN\nJerry's upset we sold the Cadillac.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat'd you get for it?\n\nMORTY\nJack Klompus gave us six grand.\n\nKramer whistles, impressed\n\nJERRY\nYou sold my Cadillac to Jack Klompus?\n\nMorty rises from the couch, taking a cheque out of his pocket.\n\nMORTY\n(trying to press the cheque on Jerry)\nAnd we want you to have the\n\nmoney.\n\nJERRY\n(getting worked up) I don't need the\nmoney.\n\nMORTY\nWhat're you talking about? You had a\ncheque bounce at the bodega.\n\nJERRY\n(animated) Oh, is that what this is\nall about?! I bounce a cheque and\n\nyou sold a Cadillac?!\n\nHELEN\nWell, also, Jerry, we read an article\nin the Sun Sentinel. (digs in\n\nher purse and extracts a newspaper clipping) It says standup\ncomedy is not\n\nwhat it used to be, what with def jam and all.\n\nHelen passes the clipping to Jerry.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, that def jam is a force.\n\nHELEN\nJerry, you know, I hear wonderful things\nabout Bloomingdales'\n\nexecutive training program.\n\nJERRY\n(sits on the back of the couch) Oh my\ngod.\n\nKRAMER\nY'know you've given this comedy thing\nyour best shot. Yeah, you had\n\nsome good observations, but it's over. Now, this Bloomingdale\nthing, that\n\ncould be the next wave.\n\nJerry lets out an exasperated groan, as Helen rubs his back.\n\n(Fresh Roasted Coffee Store)\n\nJerry and Elaine have cups of coffee, George is ordering his\nbeans from the\n\nguy behind the counter.\n\nGEORGE\nUh, excuse me. Uh, pound of Arabian\nmocha java, please.\n\nThe counterperson nods to George, and moves to fill the order.\n\nELAINE\nSo, you understand how my Peterman stock\noptions are gonna work?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm going to the bathroom.\n\nGeorge leaves.\n\nELAINE\nJust, very interesting.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, when it's your money, it's fascinating.\n\nThe guy behind the counter brings a bag of coffee over.\n\nCOUNTERPERSON\nArabian mocha java?\n\nELAINE\n(looks for George) Mmm. (can't see him)\nOh, um, I got it.\n\nElaine takes the bag and pays for it.\n\nJERRY\nThat Arabian is strong coffee.\n\nELAINE\nIt's PLO blend.\n\nGeorge rejoins the gang.\n\nELAINE\nOhh, I got your coffee.\n\nElaine proffers the bag to George. He takes it and reaches for\nhis pocket.\n\nGEORGE\nOh Oh, here, lemme uh...\n\nELAINE\n(waving away) Nah, nah, it's on me.\n(looks at her watch) Aww, man.\n\nOkay, listen guys, I'm gonna be late. (taking her cup of coffee)\nI'll see\n\nyou, okay? (begins to walk away)\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nBye.\n\nGEORGE\nMmm.\n\nElaine leaves. Jerry moves to wander out of the store also, when\nGeorge\n\nstops him.\n\nGEORGE\nYou see what just happened here?\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nShe treated me to the Arabian mocha\njava.\n\nJERRY\nAnd you misinterpret this how?\n\nGEORGE\nShe's stickin' it to me that she makes\nmore money than me.\n\nJERRY\nI'm sure she was just being nice, buying\nyou the coffee.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, not nice. She's stickin' it to me.\n\nJERRY\nYou're crazy.\n\nGEORGE\n(worked up) Stickin' it to me, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge.\n\nGEORGE\n(angry) Stickin' it!\n\nGeorge walks off, pulling an angry face.\n\n(Monk's)\n\nJerry and George sit in a booth.\n\nGEORGE\nSo you're buying the car back for your\nparents?\n\nJERRY\nI'm flying down to Florida tomorrow.\n\nGEORGE\nYour parents'll never let you do it.\n\nJERRY\nThey lied to me about selling the car.\nI'll lie to them about buying\n\nit back. They think they can dump six grand on me? Think again.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat kind of money you think your parents\nhave?\n\nJERRY\nExcuse me?\n\nGEORGE\nI bet they have more money than mine.\n\nJERRY\nCome on, your parents have money.\n\nGEORGE\nYou think?\n\nJERRY\nWhen did they ever spend any money?\n\nGEORGE\nNever.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are their living expenses?\n\nGEORGE\nNothing.\n\nJERRY\nWhere do they ever go on vacation?\n\nGEORGE\nNowhere.\n\nJerry gives a little 'you do the math' shrug to George.\n\nGEORGE\nHow much money d'you think they have?\n\nJERRY\nFew hundred grand?\n\nGEORGE\n(excited) You're saying I stand to inherit\nthree hundred thousand\n\ndollars, is that what you're saying?!\n\nJERRY\nCourse you may not see it for twenty\nyears.\n\nGEORGE\nTwenty years? That long?\n\nJERRY\nDoes your father still eat bacon and\neggs every day?\n\nGEORGE\nFortunately, yes.\n\nJERRY\nHow's your family history?\n\nGEORGE\nI have an aunt that died at seven.\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\nGEORGE\nAunt Baby.\n\n(Elaine's Office)\n\nElaine sits behind her desk, in the big fancy office she gets\nstanding in\n\nfor Peterman as president. Kramer enters.\n\nKRAMER\nElaine. Uh, you got a moment?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, Kramer, come on in.\n\nKRAMER\nI, uh, need to speak to you about some\nlady problems.\n\nKramer sits in front of Elaine's desk.\n\nELAINE\n(unsure) Oh-kay.\n\nKRAMER\n(a little anxious) You know, after I\nhave sex with Emily, uh, I\n\ndon't want her in the bed any more.\n\nELAINE\nAh.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, because she's throwing off my\nwhole sleep. She's got the jimmy\n\nlegs.\n\nELAINE\n(confused) Jimmy legs?\n\nKramer raises one leg and judders it in the air, as illustration.\n\nKRAMER\nJimmy leg.\n\nELAINE\n(grasping the concept) Ohh.\n\nKRAMER\nSo, uh, well, maybe I should just be\nhonest with her, huh?\n\nELAINE\nTell her after sex, you just want her\noutta there?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I'd say it nicely.\n\nELAINE\nI don't think so.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you know, I really like this girl\nand I, you know, I think if\n\nI could just work out this one thing...\n\nELAINE\n(interrupting) Yeah. I gotta be honest\nwith you Kramer. You might be\n\nmore than just a coupla tweaks away from a healthy relationship.\n\nKRAMER\nWell you're not exactly zeroing in yourself,\nlady.\n\nELAINE\n(pointing to the door, angry) Alright,\nget out.\n\nKramer starts to move, and thumps his knee on the underside of\nthe desk. He\n\nrises and begins to head for the door.\n\nELAINE\n(impatient) Get out!\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nMorty and Helen sit on the couch, watching TV and doing a crossword,\n\nrespectively. Jerry enters from the bedroom, carrying a suitcase.\n\nJERRY\nSo listen, I gotta go down to Atlantic\nCity. I'm performing at\n\nBally's.\n\nMORTY\nYou just heard about this today?\n\nJERRY\n(pulling on a jacket) They had a cancellation\nand they instantly\n\ncalled me.\n\nHELEN\nWho cancelled?\n\nJERRY\nCarrot Top. I told you, my career's\nfine.\n\n(The Costanza Home, Queens)\n\nGeorge and his parents are seated at the table in the kitchen,\neating a meal\n\nof spaghetti.\n\nGEORGE\nI been, uh, thinking about the family.\nTell me, uh, about Aunt Baby.\n\nFRANK\n(looks up to heaven) She's deceased.\n\nGEORGE\n(glances upwards) Yeah. Uhm, why did\nshe die so young?\n\nFRANK\n(looks to Estelle) She had problems.\n(Estelle nods) Internal.\n\nGEORGE\nIs that common in our family?\n\nESTELLE\nWell, your uncle Moe, he died a young\nman.\n\nFRANK\nAlso internal problems.\n\nESTELLE\nIt's that temper on your side. They're\nyelling and yelling, and\n\nthen one day, they're all gone.\n\nFRANK\nWhat about your side? Your cousin Hennie.\n(animated) She was sickly\n\nfrom the moment I met her!\n\nESTELLE\n(shouts) Don't you talk about Hennie!\n\nGEORGE\nI guess you two are the lucky ones.\n\nFRANK\nSo far.\n\nESTELLE\nFrank, if Aunt Baby were alive today,\nhow old would she be?\n\nFRANK\nShe'd never make it.\n\nGeorge thinks a little and looks hopeful.\n\n(Monk's)\n\nKramer and Emily sit at a table. Emily looks a little angry.\n\nEMILY\nSo let me get this straight. You enjoy\nthe lovemaking...\n\nKRAMER\nShh, shh.\n\nEMILY\n(quieter) Well, do you?\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah, like strawberry pie.\n\nEMILY\nOkay, but you have a problem sharing\na bed with me?\n\nKRAMER\nI know it's not what the ladies like.\nBut without some solid sack\n\ntime, I'm a zombie.\n\nEMILY\nI don't know.\n\nKRAMER\n(pleading) Aww, c'mon, man. Meet me\nhalfway.\n\nEMILY\nYou're not easy, Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nI know.\n\n(Animation)\n\nOn a map of the East Coast of the US, a long red arrow appears\nfrom New York\n\nto Del Boca Vista.\n\n(Klompus Home, Del Boca Vista)\n\nJerry sits on a chair as Jack, standing, speaks.\n\nJACK\nSo, to what do I owe the pleasure of\nthis, unannounced, visit?\n\nJERRY\nI wanna buy back the Cadillac.\n\nJACK\nYou wanna buy it back? Why, you go drugs\nhidden in the trunk?\n\nJack chuckles at his own joke. Jerry stares back at him, unamused.\n\nJACK\nI'm kidding.\n\nJERRY\n(reaching into his pocket) Alright,\nI'll give you nine thousand for\n\nit.\n\nJerry puts is chequebook on the table\n\nJACK\nNine thousand for a Cadillac? It's got\nno miles on it.\n\nJERRY\nYou bought it for six!\n\nJACK\nYou're not me.\n\nJERRY\n(standing) How much d'you want for it?\n\nJACK\nThe Kelly blue book value. Twenty-two\nthousand dollars.\n\nJerry pulls a 'you have to be kidding' face.\n\nJERRY\nFourteen thousand.\n\nJACK\nDone. But, I get to drive it tomorrow,\nbecause Doris wants to go to\n\nNaples.\n\nJerry starts to write the cheque, but his pen is obviously not\nworking\n\nproperly. Jack pulls out his own pen (the astronaut pen from\n'The Pen') and\n\noffers it to Jerry.\n\nJACK\nNeed a pen?\n\nJerry scribbles with his pen, to try and encourage it, but to\nno avail. He\n\nlooks to Jack, who's holding out his pen.\n\nJACK\nStill works.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nMorty and Helen are by the counter, as Kramer comes in.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, where's Jerry?\n\nHELEN\nHe's performing at Bally's in Atlantic\nCity.\n\nKRAMER\nAw, okay. (picks up the phone and starts\ndialling) Yeah, I need his\n\nshoeshine kit. (still dialling) He always hides it from me. (puts\nthe phone\n\nto his ear and waits for a second or two) Yeah, Bally's? Yeah,\nJerry\n\nSeinfeld's room, please.\n\nMORTY\nYou know that number?\n\nKRAMER\nI used to have a problem. (into phone)\nWell, what d'you mean, he's\n\nnot registered? Wha..S, E, I, N, V...\n\nHELEN\nF. F, E, L, D.\n\nKRAMER\n...F, E, L, D. (half-laughing) Well,\nI think you're wrong. (listens)\n\nAlright, you have a lucky day, too.\n\nKramer rings off.\n\nHELEN\nHe's not there?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, they never heard of him.\n\nKramer puts down the phone, and walks off to look for the shoeshine\nkit.\n\nMorty and Helen exchange worried looks.\n\n(Restaurant)\n\nGeorge, Elaine and Jerry's parents sit at a table in a fancy\nrestaurant.\n\nELAINE\nThis is so nice of you to take us all\nout to dinner, George.\n\nGEORGE\n(oozing fake sincerity) Well, as much\nas I enjoy all the\n\ngood-natured ribbing, nothing really makes me happier than spending\nmoney on\n\nthe people I care about.\n\nHELEN\nWhere's Jerry?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, he'll be here. By the way, Elaine,\n(reaches under the table and\n\nbrings out a large coffee machine) thank you for laying out for\nthe Arabian\n\nmocha java.\n\nGeorge puts the gift in front of Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nGeorge, you didn't have to do this.\nI'm president of a big company.\n\nI can afford to buy you coffee.\n\nMORTY\n(surprised) President?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nJerry enters, with his bag over his shoulder.\n\nGEORGE\nHey look, he's back.\n\nJERRY\nI got your message, (sitting) so I came\nstraight from Atlantic City.\n\nHELEN\nJerry, Kramer called Bally's. You weren't\nregistered.\n\nJERRY\n(extemporising) Well, I can't stay under\nmy own name. I was\n\nregistered under Slappy White.\n\nHelen looks unconvinced. A spiffily-dressed Frank and Estelle\nenter the\n\nrestaurant and are spotted by George.\n\nGEORGE\nMom? Dad?\n\nESTELLE\nWell, look who's here. Hello, Seinfelds.\n\nMorty half-nods a greeting.\n\nGEORGE\nWh..what're you doing here?\n\nFRANK\nWe're having an upscale dinner.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nESTELLE\nWell, after talking to you, we realised\nwe may not have much time\n\nleft.\n\nFRANK\nSo, we're blowing it all.\n\nGeorge looks unhappy at this news.\n\nFRANK\n(holding out his tie) Look George, it's\na Pierre Cardin.\n\n(Emily's Apartment)\n\nOnce again, Kramer and Emily are basking in the afterglow.\n\nKRAMER\nThat was alright.\n\nEMILY\nYeah.\n\nThey both lie still for a few seconds.\n\nKRAMER\n(abruptly) Well, I'll see you.\n\nKramer climbs quickly out of the bed to leave.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nMorty, dressed in exercise gear, emerges from the bedroom. He\nis carrying\n\nthe travel gym. He creeps across the room, so as not to wake\nJerry, who is\n\nasleep on the couch, quietly opens the door and slips outside.\n\n(Kramer's Apartment/Hallway)\n\nKramer is asleep in his bed, when something wakes him. He can\nhear a\n\nthumping and a rattling sound. Kramer turns over and looks across\nat his\n\ndoor, to see the handle turning, as if someone outside were trying\nto open\n\nit. A look of horror comes to Kramer's face.\n\nOutside in the hallway, Morty has his travel gym attached to\nKramer's\n\ndoorknob. As he pulls on the arrangement of cords and pulleys,\nthey in turn\n\npull at the doorknob.\n\nInside Kramer's apartment, a terrified Kramer pulls the blankets\nover his\n\nhead and lies quivering underneath.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment/Florida)\n\nMorty and Helen are eating at the table. The phone rings and\nJerry answers.\n\nJERRY\nHello.\n\nA dishevelled and muddy Jack Klompus is on the other end of the\nline, using\n\na cellular phone somewhere outdoors in Florida.\n\nJACK\n(shouting like there's a bad line) Jerry,\nI had a little mishap with\n\nthe car.\n\nThe front portion of the Cadillac is submerged in a swamp, with\nthe tail end\n\npointed upwards.\n\nJACK\nI'm down here in alligator alley. You\nbetter get down here.\n\nJerry tries not to give anything away to his parents.\n\nJERRY\n(quiet) Huh. Alright.\n\nJerry puts down the phone and moves towards the bedroom.\n\nHELEN\nWho was that?\n\nJERRY\n(extemporising) That was the Golden\nNugget. Also in Atlantic City.\n\nThey heard such good things about my show at Bally's, they want\nme for\n\ntonight. So I'll have to repack, and go.\n\nJerry leaves to the bedroom. Helen and Morty don't look convinced\nby Jerry's\n\nspiel. They talk quietly so's Jerry can't hear in the next room.\n\nMORTY\nThat didn't sound like the Golden Nugget.\n\nHELEN\nI'm worried. What happens if we have\nto support Jerry?\n\nMORTY\nI'd have to go back to work.\n\nHELEN\nWhere would you work?\n\nMORTY\nMaybe I should talk to Elaine.\n\n(Elaine's Office)\n\nElaine sits behind her desk, interviewing a smartly dressed Morty.\n\nELAINE\nWell, Mr Seinfeld, I..I'm not sure I\nunderstand why you want a job\n\nhere.\n\nMORTY\nWhat's not to understand?\n\nELAINE\nWell, for one thing, you live in Florida.\n\nMORTY\nI'm very comfortable working outta the\nhouse. I have a phone, we have\n\na Kinko's nearby. You know, I think that my resume speaks for\nitself.\n\nELAINE\n(looking around her desk) Where is your\nresume?\n\nMORTY\nI don't have it. I'll mail you one.\n\nELAINE\nAlright, Mr Seinfeld, I... What kind\nof position did you have in\n\nmind?\n\nMORTY\nYou sell clothes here, don't you?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nMORTY\nWell, I sold raincoats in the garment\ncentre for thirty-eight years.\n\nIn nineteen forty-nine...\n\nELAINE\n(interrupting) Alright. Alright, alright.\nYou come in tomorrow,\n\nwe'll find something for you to do.\n\nMORTY\nYou won't regret this, Miss Benes. What\ntime should I be in? I get up\n\nat four, I could be here as early as four twenty-five.\n\nELAINE\nUhm...\n\nPeterman enters the office.\n\nPETERMAN\n(upbeat) Oh, Elaine, this dry air is\ncuring me like a Black Forest\n\nham.\n\nPeterman strides across the office to another door.\n\nELAINE\n(stunned) Mr Peterman. You're back.\n\nPeterman goes through the other door, and closes it behind him.\nElaine,\n\nstands, her mouth agape in shock.\n\nMORTY\nWho's Mr Fancy?\n\n(Emily's Apartment)\n\nKramer and Emily in bed again.\n\nKRAMER\n(hesitant) I uh, I was thinking maybe\nI should spend the night.\n\nEMILY\nAww, that's sweet, but actually I, I\nthink I'd prefer it if you left.\n\nKRAMER\n(surprise) What?\n\nEMILY\nYou were completely right. I sleep so\nmuch better when I'm alone.\n\n(pause) And you scream in your sleep.\n\nKRAMER\nI do?\n\nKramer looks intensely nervous.\n\nKRAMER\n(fearful) There was a man, he was trying\nto get into my apartment\n\nlast night. He was jiggling the doorknob for twenty-five minutes.\n\nEMILY\nC'mon, it was probably the wind.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, no. It was a fearless cat burglar.\n(pleading) Now listen,\n\nyou gotta let me sleep here, huh? Y'know, I'll stay here on my\nside, and\n\nI'll stuff a sock in my mouth. (panicky) 'Cos I don't wanna sleep\nalone.\n\nEMILY\n(adamant) Well, I do.\n\n(Animation)\n\nAnother arrow is drawn from New York to Del Boca Vista.\n\n(Street, Del Boca Vista)\n\nA tow truck has hauled the Cadillac out of the swamp and back\nto Del Boca\n\nVista. It's plastered with mud and filth over its entire length.\nJack\n\nKlompus stands beside it, still mud-spattered. Jerry climbs out\nof a cab.\n\nJACK\nWhat took you so long?\n\nJERRY\nI live in New York. (slams the cab door)\nWhat the hell happened?\n\nThe cab drives away.\n\nJACK\nThis thing is a, is a behemoth.\n\nJERRY\nWhat did you do?\n\nJACK\nI was, I was making a, a simple lane\nchange. I, I put on the blinker\n\nand it took off on me. And the next thing you know, I was submerged.\nI'm\n\ntelling you, Jerry, I'm very lucky that those crocs didn't get\nme.\n\nJerry opens the door of the Cadillac and a torrent of muddy water\ncontaining\n\na couple of catfish spills out over his feet.\n\nJERRY\n(exasperation) You are such an idiot.\nWell, we gotta get the car\n\ncleaned up for my parents.\n\nJACK\n(shrugging) Do whatever you want. It's\nyour car.\n\nJERRY\nMy car? You drove it into the swamp!\n\nJACK\nIt drove itself into the swamp! Besides,\nI think I lost my pen, too.\n\nJERRY\n(smiling with pleasure) You know, that\nalmost makes this all\n\nworthwhile.\n\n(The Costanza Home, Queens)\n\nFrank and Estelle sit in the living room as George walks in from\nthe front\n\ndoor.\n\nGEORGE\n(pointing outside) Why is there a Cadillac\nparked in front of the\n\nhouse?\n\nFRANK\nThat's your mother's new car.\n\nGEORGE\nYou bought that?\n\nFRANK\nIt's a Coupe de Elegance.\n\nESTELLE\nYour father wanted a Mercedes, but I\nwon't ride in a German car.\n\nGeorge looks like he's going to say something, but then the door\nto the\n\nkitchen opens and Kramer walks in, wearing a dressing gown and\npyjamas and\n\ncarrying a mug of coffee. He slaps George on the back.\n\nKRAMER\nMornin'.\n\nKramer walks round the stunned George, and sits on the couch.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, boy.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat the hell is going on here?\n\nKRAMER\nI had some trouble at my place, so I\nneed a little company at night\n\nto sleep.\n\nESTELLE\nGeorge, your mother and I, and Kramer\n(holds Kramer's hand) have\n\nbeen talking.\n\nGEORGE\n(dread) Oh god.\n\nKRAMER\nUh, George, your parents can't blow\nthrough their savings in this\n\ncommunity. It's low-rent. Now, we feel that Florida is really\nthe place\n\nwhere they should be.\n\nFRANK\n(claps his hands) You can drop a grand\nin Disneyworld, like that.\n\nGEORGE\nWait a minute. (astonished) You're thinking\nof moving to Florida\n\nagain?!\n\nESTELLE\nWell, it's either that or we stay here,\nnear you, and just sit on\n\nthe money. What do you think we should do, Georgie?\n\nGeorge looks surprised, confused and thoughtful, all at the same\ntime.\n\n(Peterman's Office)\n\nPeterman sits behind his desk in the office which was, until\nrecently,\n\nElaine's. Employees sit around the desk, including Morty and\nElaine, who\n\nsits depressed at the end of the desk.\n\nPETERMAN\nSo, anyway, effective immediately, Miss\nBenes will return to her\n\nold position, at her original salary...\n\nElaine does a double take at this, and looks unhappy.\n\nPETERMAN\n...and I, of course, will return to\nmine. Kudos, Elaine, on a\n\njob... done.\n\nELAINE\n(hardly daring to ask) What about my\nstock options?\n\nPETERMAN\nI think not.\n\nElaine puts a hand to her head and sighs.\n\nPETERMAN\nNow, down to business. (thoughtful)\nI have had this vision of a\n\ndiaphanous rum-runner scarf.\n\nThe employees take notes.\n\nELAINE\nWell, we could fly some fabric in from\nour silk factories, for about\n\na thousand dollars a bolt.\n\nMORTY\n(shocked) A thousand?! I know a coupla\nChinamen over there on\n\nForty-third Street, who'll do it for half that.\n\nELAINE\n(tactful) It's, ah, Asian-Americans.\n\nMORTY\nWhat?\n\nPETERMAN\n(puzzled) Who are you?\n\nELAINE\nDon't worry, I...\n\nMORTY\nMorty Seinfeld. I cut velvet for forty\nyears with Harry Altman.\n\nELAINE\nOkay, Mr Seinfeld, this is not the t...\n\nPETERMAN\nElaine, did you hire this man?\n\nELAINE\n(worried) No, no. Well, I mean, you\nknow, he's more like an intern,\n\nyou know, at best.\n\n(Monk's)\n\nGeorge and Elaine sit in a booth.\n\nELAINE\nSo, if your parents move to Florida,\nyou're poor.\n\nGEORGE\n(pointing out the positive) But happy.\n\nELAINE\nObviously. And if they stay, you're\nrich, but...\n\nElaine gestures with her hand.\n\nGEORGE\nObviously.\n\nELAINE\nQuite a dilemma. You know, I have a\nbit of a dilemma of my own.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no. No, no, no. (determined) We're\nstaying on me. We haven't\n\nsolved anything yet.\n\nELAINE\nAlright, this is easy. Let 'em go.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat d'you mean, let 'em go? They're\nspending all my money.\n\nELAINE\nAlright, well, then they stay. Lemma\nask you something...\n\nGEORGE\n(upset) Could you put a little thought\ninto this? Jerry's gone, you\n\ncould humour me. He humours me.\n\nELAINE\nSpeaking of Jerry, his father is driving\nme so crazy down at\n\nPeterman's.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know what I do at the Yankees, when\none of these old guys is\n\nbreathing down my neck?\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nYou schedule a late meeting.\n\nELAINE\n(puzzlement) Huh? What does that do?\n\nGEORGE\nThese old guys, they're up at 4 a.m.,\nby two thirty they're wiped.\n\n(animated) How did we get back onto you?!\n\nELAINE\n(grabbing her bag and coat) I gotta\nsplit.\n\nElaine gets up and leaves.\n\nGEORGE\n(shouted after Elaine) You know, I got\nnothing outta this!\n\n(The Costanza Home, Queens)\n\nKramer, wrapped in a quilt enters the Costanza's bedroom. Frank\nenters from\n\nthe bathroom, drying his hands with a towel.\n\nKRAMER\nHey Frank, you got two beds in here.\n\nFRANK\nThat's right. That's me on the left.\n\nKRAMER\nSo, you sleep in separate beds.\n\nFRANK\nThirty years ago, we came to an agreement.\nIt was the only way I\n\ncould get some rest.\n\nKRAMER\n(intrigued) Really?\n\nFRANK\n(confidential) Estelle's got the (jerks\nhis elbow) jimmy arms.\n\nKRAMER\nYou can get that in your arms?\n\nFRANK\nLike you wouldn't believe.\n\n(Klompus Home, Del Boca Vista)\n\nA grubby Jerry sits at the table, with Jack hovering over him.\n\nJACK\nJerry, it's getting late. You've cleaned\nup the car. You've made all\n\nyour phone calls. Why are you still here?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I uh, maxed out my credit cards,\nand I don't have enough cash\n\nfor a hotel room. So...\n\nJACK\nYou are uh, thinking of staying here?\n\nJERRY\nWell...\n\nJACK\n(laughing) You've got some nerve. I\nalmost break my neck in that\n\ndeath-trap of yours, and now you ask me for a favour!\n\nJERRY\nYou didn't like that crack about the\npen.\n\nJACK\nI did not.\n\n(The Costanza Home, Queens)\n\nGeorge and his parents sit at the kitchen table, while Kramer\ndoes some\n\nwashing up in the sink.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I've given this a lot of thought,\nand I've gotta say...\n\nGeorge is distracted momentarily by Kramer clattering dishes.\nHe gives\n\nKramer a look and continues.\n\nGEORGE\n(attempting sincerity) As much as I'd\nlike to see the two of you\n\nliving it up in a warm, tropical, setting, I, I would just miss\nyou too\n\nmuch. (smiling) So, I've decided, I want you to stay.\n\nFRANK\nIt's too late. We bought a condo at\nDel Boca Vista. We're leaving\n\ntonight.\n\nEstelle and Frank smile at each other.\n\nGEORGE\n(crestfallen) But you said it was my\ncall.\n\nESTELLE\nWe were just being nice.\n\nGeorge looks crushed.\n\nESTELLE\n(motherly concern) Cosmo, are you sure\nyou're gonna be alright here\n\nalone?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah, yeah. I got Emily coming over\ntonight.\n\nGEORGE\n(animated) You're letting him have a\nwoman over?!\n\nFRANK\nHe's not family. It's different, psychologically.\n\nKramer is examining the label on a wine bottle, as George turns\nto look at\n\nhim. He gives George a little smile.\n\n(Peterman's Office)\n\nThe employees, including Elaine and Morty, sit round Peterman's\ndesk as he\n\nwaxes lyrical about his adventures. Morty looks impatient, glancing\nat his\n\nwatch as Peterman speaks.\n\nPETERMAN\nAnd so, I made an explosive out of chick\npeas, and I stopped that\n\ngreat rhino right in his tracks.\n\nMORTY\nWell, it's getting kinda late, why don't\nwe uh...\n\nELAINE\nMr Peterman, that can't have been the\nonly time that you faced\n\nmortal danger.\n\nPETERMAN\n(smiles and laughs) Ha ha ha. Funny\nyou should ask, Elaine.\n\nMORTY\nLook, if we're gonna stay here until\nall hours of the night, can we\n\nat least get some food here?\n\nPETERMAN\n(looks at his watch) It's only five\nfifteen. So, later on that\n\nsame day, I developed a great hankering for some wild honey...\n\nMORTY\n(standing) Okay, I'm done. I'll be back\nin the morning, when he's\n\nclose to finish with his story.\n\nMorty heads for the door. Peterman's voice brings him to a halt.\n\nPETERMAN\nMorty. My stories are what sell these\nclothes.\n\nMORTY\nCheap fabric, and dim lighting. That's\nhow you move merchandise.\n\nPETERMAN\n(winks) Morty, you're out.\n\nMORTY\n(unconcerned) Ach, I never knew what\nthe hell I was peddling with\n\nthose stupid cartoons and that paper book, anyway.\n\nMorty walks out, leaving a not entirely unhappy Elaine behind.\n\n(Animation)\n\nAn arrow is drawn on the East Coast map, this time from Queens\nto Del Boca\n\nVista.\n\n(Street, Del Boca Vista)\n\nFrank walks along the sidewalk, past a familiar looking Cadillac.\nSomething\n\ncatches his eye, and he looks into the car. A figure is asleep\non the back\n\nseat with his face covered. Frank 'gives a what is the world\ncoming to' look\n\nand throws up his hands as he walks away.\n\nAfter he leaves, the figure shifts in his sleep, turning over.\nIt's Jerry,\n\nsleeping in his parent's Cadillac.\n\n(The Costanza Home, Queens)\n\nKramer stands in the doorway of the bathroom, while Emily sits\non Estelle's\n\nbed, reading a paperback.\n\nKRAMER\nI don't know why I let you talk me into\nthat corned beef at\n\nSnitzer's.\n\nEMILY\n(not looking up from her book) No-one\nheld a gun to your head.\n\nKRAMER\n(dismissive) Yeah.\n\nEMILY\n(still reading) Don't forget, we're\neating dinner at the Feinerman's\n\ntomorrow night.\n\nKRAMER\n(moody) Oh, why do I have to go? They're\nyour friends.\n\nEMILY\nYou like 'em.\n\nKRAMER\nI've had it with 'em.\n\nKramer disappears into the bathroom.\n\nEMILY\nThen we won't go.\n\nKramer reemerges with a glass of water.\n\nKRAMER\n(yielding) Okay, okay. What time?\n\nEMILY\nEight thirty.\n\nKramer downs the glass of water in one go, and then belches.\n\nKRAMER\n(satisfied) Ahh. That was alright.\n\nEmily smiles at him, then returns to her book.\n\n(Monk's)\n\nJerry, George and Elaine sit in a booth. Jerry drinking coffee,\nGeorge\n\neating and Elaine reading from the pages of a newspaper.\n\nELAINE\n'One bright note in today's market,\nwas the stock of retailer J\n\nPeterman, whose founder's surprise return generated a rise of\ntwelve and a\n\nhalf points.'\n\nElaine folds the paper and drops it on the table.\n\nJERRY\nMmm-mmm-mmm. That means, if you still\nhad those stock options...\n\nELAINE\n(downcast) Yeah.\n\nGEORGE\n(Jerry-style) That's a shame.\n\nELAINE\n(sharp) What, are you sticking it to\nme?\n\nGEORGE\n(innocent) What?\n\nELAINE\nI think you're sticking it to me.\n\nJERRY\nElaine, I'm sure George is just being\nsympathetic.\n\nELAINE\n(leaning forward and accusing) Stickin'\nit!\n\nGeorge doesn't meet Elaine's stare.\n\nJERRY\nYou're not alone. I'm practically broke.\n\nELAINE\nReally?\n\nJERRY\nNo. But, I did blow over twenty thousand\non that Cadillac.\n\nGeorge takes another forkful of what's on his plate.\n\nGEORGE\n(relishing) Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm. Delicious.\n\nJERRY\nWell, you seem happy.\n\nGEORGE\nI am. The folks are twelve hundred miles\naway. (gleeful) I'm basking\n\nin the buffer zone. (looks for the waitress) 'Nother piece of\npie here!\n\nELAINE\nSo, were your parents shocked to see\nthe Cadillac?\n\nJERRY\nActually, I haven't heard from 'em yet.\n\nELAINE\nHmm.\n\n(Florida)\n\nMorty and Helen sit on a couch, reading magazines.\n\nMORTY\nWhen are we gonna tell Jerry?\n\nHELEN\nI don't wanna worry him. We'll tell\nhim next time we go up.\n\nMORTY\nHe thought he could buy back that Cadillac\nfor us? He's not getting\n\naway with that.\n\nIt's revealed that the Seinfelds are in a trailer parked behind\nthe\n\nCadillac.\n\nHELEN\nBesides, that condo was too much house.\n\n(The Costanza Home, Del Boca Vista)\n\nEstelle is sitting on the couch in the condo, while Frank peers\nout of the\n\nwindow.\n\nESTELLE\nHow many times can you check the car?\n\nFRANK\n(coming away from the window) I saw\na bum sleeping in a Cadillac the\n\nother day.\n\nFrank sits in a chair.\n\nESTELLE\nWhy would someone break into a car to\ntake a nap?\n\nFRANK\nThey don't nap. They make it their home.\nThey urinate in there!\n\nESTELLE\n(shouts) You're driving me crazy!\n\nFRANK\n(standing) That's it, we're going back\nto Queens. (claps hands)\n\nWhere's my hat?\n\nFrank walks out of the room.\n\nESTELLE\n(shouts) Nooh!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Comeback.html",
    "text": "THE COMEBACK\n\nWritten by\n\nGregg Kavet & Andy Robin\n\n(Yankee Stadium, Conference Room)\n\nA group of staff, including George, are gathered round the table.\nThere's a bunch of food on the table. Most people have a small plate with\na few salad leaves on it in front of them. George is picking shrimp off a\nplatter, dipping them in some sort of sauce, and stuffing his face with\nthem, about as fast as he can manage.\n\nBILL\nWell, if the big man wants a new scoreboard,\nI don't wanna be the one to tell him no.\n\nREILLY\nNo-one in the park is gonna be able\nto see it from there.\n\nGEORGE\n(through a mouthful of shrimp) Well,\nwhy don't we just put a monitor in his skybox?\n\nREILLY\nHey George, the ocean called. They're\nrunning outta shrimp.\n\nEveryone at the table starts laughing uproariously at Reilly's\njoke. George looks upset, and barely forces half a sick smile past his mouthful\nof seafood.\n\n(George's Car)\n\nGeorge drives along. He's fuming at Reilly's dig.\n\nGEORGE\n(angry, to himself) The ocean called.\nRunning outta shrimp. Outta shrimp! (a thought occurs)\nOh! Yes! That's what I shoulda said!\n(frustrated shout) Dammit!\n\n(New York Health & Racquet Club)\n\nGeorge and Jerry come along a corridor. They're carrying bags\nand paraphernalia indicating they've been playing tennis.\n\nJERRY\n'The ocean called, They're running outta\nshrimp'?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, yeah, yeah. But then, I said to\nhim, 'Oh yeah? Well, the jerk\n\nstore called, and they're running outta you.'\n\nJerry and George halt at a bench by the entrance to the pro shop.\nJerry rummages in his bag, producing an old-fashioned wooden framed\ntennis racquet.\n\nJERRY\n(smiling) Really? That's great. You\nsaid that to him?\n\nGEORGE\n(confessing) Well, actually, I thought\nit up on the way over here.\n\nJERRY\nOh. That's not quite the same.\n\nGEORGE\nNo. No it's not. You don't know this\nguy. It woulda been so sweet.\n\nJERRY\nI'm gonna grab a can of balls.\n\nGEORGE\nRight.\n\nGeorge heads on down the corridor. Jerry walks into the pro shop,\ncarrying\n\nhis gear. There are a few customers browsing. Milos (East European,\ntracksuit\n\nwearing, slicked back hair with pony tail) comes over to Jerry.\n\nMILOS\nHello. My name is Milos. How can I help\nyou.\n\nJERRY\nI need a can of balls.\n\nJerry stands before the counter, holding the old-fashioned racquet.\nMilos\n\nreaches under the counter and pulls out a can of tennis balls.\n\nMILOS\nCan of balls for the nice guy, alri...\n\nMilos stops and stares disapprovingly at Jerry's racquet.\n\nMILOS\n...Ahh. You don't plan to hit these\nballs with that racquet, do you?\n\nJerry looks surprised.\n\n(Champagne Video)\n\nInside a typical small video rental store, Elaine stands before\na rack marked\n\n'Staff Picks'. Individual shelves are labelled 'Elizabeth', 'Gene',\nand\n\n'Vincent', amongst others. Elaine is reading the back of a video\nbox, when\n\nKramer comes up behind her.\n\nKRAMER\nChecking out the staff picks, Miss Benes?\n\nELAINE\nOh. (laughs) Ha-ha. Hey. Yeah, yeah.\n(indicating shelf) This Vincent\n\nguy, he is the best. He and I have the exact same taste in movies.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, Vincent is an art-house goon. I\nstick to the Gene rack.\n\nELAINE\nGene? Oh, it's so stupid and mainstream.\n\nKRAMER\n(indicates 'Gene' shelf) I've seen all\nthese, so I went with a Kramer\n\npick.\n\nKramer holds up a video for Elaine's inspection.\n\nELAINE\n(reading) 'The Other Side Of Darkness'.\nHuh, I never heard of that\n\none.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, went straight to video.\n\nElaine looks upon this as a negative.\n\nKRAMER\n(positive) That makes me the premiere.\n\nKramer takes his cassette toward the counter.\n\nELAINE\n(gets Kramer's point) Hah.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nKramer is talking seriously to Jerry, whilst holding a piece\nof paper.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, have you ever seen the movie\nThe Other Side Of Darkness?\n\nJERRY\nNo. (img src=\"http://tinyurl.com/2rau\")\n\nKRAMER\nIt's about this woman, in a coma. Well,\nI couldn't finish watching\n\nit, so I want you to read this.\n\nKramer hands the piece of paper to Jerry.\n\nJERRY\n(reading) 'I, Cosmo Kramer, having just\nseen the movie The Other Side\n\nOf Darkness, and not wanting to be in a coma like that lady in\nthe movie,\n\nhereby want Jerry Seinfeld to remove my life support, feeding\nmachine,\n\nlung-blower, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.'\n\nKRAMER\nCan you do that for me, buddy?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I don't if what you have here\nconstitutes a legally binding\n\ndocument.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I'm gonna type it up.\n\nJERRY\nYes, well, of course, but, even so,\nyou may wanna talk to a lawyer.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, but, Jackie Chiles, he put a restraining\norder on me.\n\n(frustrated) I'm not allowed within two hundred feet of his office.\nI\n\ncouldn't even give him his Christmas present.\n\nJerry nods sympathetically. Kramer spots something on the table.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, hey, new racquet, huh?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. (hands racquet to Kramer) I wasn't\ngonna get it, but this guy\n\nMilos, who runs the pro shop, he really recommended it.\n\nKramer takes a few practice strokes with the racquet.\n\nJERRY\nIn fact, it's the only racquet he plays\nwith.\n\nKRAMER\n(picking up Jerry's old racquet) Well,\nyou're not gonna need this any\n\nmore.\n\nKramer deposits the old wooden racquet in Jerry's trash. Jerry\nnotices\n\nsomething about the piece of paper Kramer gave him.\n\nJERRY\n(accusingly) Hey, this is the zee page\nof my address book.\n\nKRAMER\n(explaining) Oh yeah, I put all your\nzees on the weights and measures\n\npage.\n\nKramer swings the new racquet again, making ball-smashing sound\neffects.\n\n(Elaine's Apartment)\n\nElaine sits up in bed, watching her video rental. She dabs a\ntear from her\n\neye, and sniffs.\n\nELAINE\n(emotional) Oh. Oh, bravo, Vincent.\nBravo. (sniffs)\n\nThe phone rings. Elaine reaches over and picks up, not happy\nat being\n\ninterrupted.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nVINCENT\nDid you enjoy the movie?\n\nELAINE\nWho is it?\n\nVINCENT\nIt's Vincent.\n\nELAINE\nOf Vincent's picks?\n\nVINCENT\nThe same.\n\nElaine smiles excitedly.\n\n(Tennis Club)\n\nElaine and Jerry have been playing tennis at a different club\nfrom the one we\n\nsaw earlier. They're packing away their stuff. At another court,\nbehind them,\n\na guy in baseball cap and dark glasses is playing truly awful\ntennis. He's\n\nmissing the ball, falling over, flailing wildly with his racquet.\n\nJERRY\nHe called you?\n\nELAINE\nHe musta got my number off the computer.\nWe ended up talking for,\n\nlike, two hours.\n\nJERRY\nTo a guy you've never met? (mild sarcasm)\nYour screening process is\n\ngetting ever more rigorous.\n\nElaine sticks out her tongue at Jerry.\n\nELAINE\nTrying to meet him. He's never at the\nvideo store. They said he sets\n\nhis own hours.\n\nA tennis ball bounces by Elaine, and she grabs it. The terrible\nplayer from\n\nthe other court shouts over.\n\nPLAYER\nLittle help, hey!\n\nELAINE\n(tossing the ball back) Yeah.\n\nPLAYER\nThank you.\n\nThe ball Elaine tossed back eludes the player's grasp, misses\nhis racquet and\n\nbounces away past him.\n\nELAINE\n(laughing to Jerry) Oh god, that guy's\nterrible.\n\nJERRY\n(pulling on a jacket) Mmm-hmm.\n\nThe terrible player continues to swing ineffectually at easy\nballs in the\n\nbackground.\n\nELAINE\nHey, how come we played at this crummy\nplace instead of your club?\n\nJERRY\nGeorge used up all my guest passes already.\n\nELAINE\nAh.\n\nPLAYER\nAhh.\n\nA ball bounces past Elaine, and Jerry grabs it.\n\nJERRY\nCome on.\n\nPLAYER\nThank you.\n\nThe awful player comes over to get the ball back. As he approaches,\nhe\n\nremoves his sunglasses and wipes his brow with his forearm.\n\nJERRY\n(tossing the ball) Here you go.\n\nThe player catches the ball and raises his head, so we can see\nhis face. It's\n\nMilos, the guy who sold Jerry his new racquet.\n\nJERRY\n(disbelief) Milos?\n\nMILOS\n(shock) Oh, hey. (puts sunglasses back\non) How you doing?\n\nMilos looks guilty, and shouts across to his playing partner\nas he walks away\n\nfrom Jerry.\n\nMILOS\nOkay, we should uh, wrap it up here.\n\nMilos bounces the ball on the court and tries to hit it over\nthe net. He\n\nfails, despite being no more than four feet from the net. Jerry\nlooks down at\n\nhis new racquet, thoughtfully.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nElaine and Jerry have just arrived from the tennis club, and\nare putting\n\ntheir stuff on the table. Elaine is removing her coat.\n\nELAINE\nSo he was bad. What d'you care?\n\nJERRY\nElaine, I paid two hundred dollars for\nthis racquet, because he said\n\nit's the only one he plays with. He could've played just as well\nwith a log.\n\nThe door opens and Kramer enters, smartly dressed, with a suit\nand tie.\n\nKRAMER\nHey. Right, I talked to this lawyer\nguy, Shellbach. Now, he's gonna\n\nset me up, but you gotta come with me and be the executor.\n\nELAINE\nThe executor? Of what?\n\nJERRY\nKramer wants to die with dignity.\n\nELAINE\nThere's a feather in your cap.\n\nKRAMER\nI don't wanna be a vegetable, Elaine.\nI just want out. (snaps\n\nfingers)\n\nThe door opens and George wanders in, looking pleased with himself.\n\nGEORGE\nSometimes in life, the gods smile upon\nyou, my friends.\n\nJERRY\nD'you get someone to take that Canadian\nquarter?\n\nGEORGE\nI got another meeting with Reilly. A\nwhole new audience, and I bet I\n\ncan get him to try that line again.\n\nELAINE\nWho's Reilly?\n\nJERRY\nGeorge was scarfing shrimp at this meeting,\nand this guy says 'Hey,\n\nGeorge, the ocean called. They're running outta shrimp.'\n\nElaine laughs, loud and long, causing Jerry and Kramer to smile\nand laugh.\n\nGEORGE\nListen to the comeback. (pleased) 'Oh\nyeah? Well the jerk store\n\ncalled. They're running outta you.'\n\nGeorge smiles and looks expectant. The other three just stare\nat him, with\n\nvarying levels of confusion in their expressions.\n\nGEORGE\n(worked up) Wha...You gotta be kidding\nme?!\n\nELAINE\nHow 'bout this one? How 'bout, 'Your\ncranium called. It's got some\n\nspace to rent.'?\n\nElaine laughs, and Jerry smiles.\n\nGEORGE\n(confused) What does that mean?\n\nJERRY\n(taps George's chest) Hey, here you\ngo. 'Hey, Reilly. The zoo called.\n\nYou're due back by six.'\n\nGEORGE\n(frustrated) No. No, no, no. You're\nnot helping me.\n\nKRAMER\nLook, just tell him you had sex with\nhis wife. That'll kill him.\n\nGEORGE\n(shouting) I'm not looking for another\nline. I got the line.\n\nKRAMER\nLook, George, just think about it. You\nknow, you're married, how\n\nwould you feel if somebody says to you that they just had se...\n\nGEORGE\n(really animated) Alright, alright.\nYou see? This is why I hate\n\nwriting with a large group. Everybody has their own little opinions,\nand it\n\nall gets homogenised, and you lose the whole edge of it. I'm\ngoing with jerk\n\nstore! Jerk store is the line! Jerk store! Yess!\n\nGeorge walks out the door. The other three watch him go. Kramer\nwalks over\n\nand looks out the door after George, then returns and spots Jerry's\nold\n\nracquet on a stool.\n\nKRAMER\n(picking the racquet up) Did you take\nthis out of the garbage?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, it's still got some spring in\nthe strings.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, Jerry, this is a piece of junk.\n(drops racquet in the trash) How\n\nare you gonna be the executor of my living will?\n\nJerry retrieves the racquet from the trash.\n\nKRAMER\n(indicating) You see? You can't let\ngo.\n\nJERRY\nTrust me, Kramer. Given the legal opportunity,\nI will kill you.\n\nKRAMER\nI wish I could believe you. Hey, Elaine,\ndo you have some free time\n\ntomorrow afternoon?\n\nELAINE\nMe?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, because you're perfect. You're\na calculating, cold-hearted\n\nbusinesswoman. And when there's dirty work to be done, you don't\nmind\n\nstomping on a few throats.\n\nELAINE\n(smiling, flattered) Oh, ho, c'mon.\n\n(Lawyer's Office)\n\nKramer and Elaine sit before a desk, behind which sits Shellbach\nthe lawyer,\n\nwho has a large list in front of him, from which he's reading.\nKramer looks\n\nnervous, while Elaine is tapping at a soda can, looking bored.\n\nSHELLBACH\nSituation number four. You're breathing\non your own, you're\n\nconscious, but with no muscular function.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, would I be able to communicate?\n\nSHELLBACH\nI don't see how.\n\nELAINE\nAch, I don't like the sound of this\none.\n\nKRAMER\nHuhh, yeah, let's pull the cord.\n\nELAINE\nYank it like (pops open soda can) you're\nstarting a mower.\n\nSHELLBACH\nMoving on. You have liver, kidneys and\ngall bladder, but no\n\ncentral nervous system.\n\nKramer looks at Elaine, who gives a double thumbs-down.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I gotta have a central nervous\nsystem.\n\nSHELLBACH\nOkay. One lung, blind and you're eating\nthrough a tube.\n\nKRAMER\nNaw, that's not my style.\n\nELAINE\nBore-ing.\n\nSHELLBACH\nAlright, you can eat. But machines do\neverything else.\n\nKRAMER\n(hesitant) Uhm...\n\nKramer looks to Elaine, who nods.\n\nELAINE\nI'd stick.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah. Stick. (to Elaine) 'Cos\nI could still go to the coffee\n\nshop.\n\nELAINE\n(points to Kramer and smiles in agreement)\nThat's right.\n\n(New York Health & Racquet Club)\n\nA grim-looking Jerry stalks into the pro shop and over to the\ncounter to be\n\nmet by a nervous and apologetic Milos.\n\nJERRY\nHello Milos.\n\nMILOS\nJerry, thank god you got my message.\nThank you so much for coming down\n\nhere. Uhm, listen...\n\nJERRY\n(animated) You know, I spent two hundred\ndollars on a racquet because\n\nI thought you knew what you were talking about.\n\nMILOS\nI..I...\n\nJERRY\nYou can't even play.\n\nMILOS\nBelieve me, it is Milos great shame.\nBut Jerry, I could lose my\n\nbusiness if anybody find out. How would you like extra year membership\nof the\n\nclub? Free. No charge.\n\nJERRY\nYou could do that?\n\nMILOS\nJerry, for you, anything.\n\nJerry looks happier. Milos walks away behind the scenes somewhere.\nJerry\n\nlooks round the store and exchanges smiles with a beautiful woman\nwho's\n\ntrying on a visor. After a few moments, Milos returns, looking\nrueful.\n\nJERRY\n(indicating the woman) Game, set and\nmatch, huh Milos?\n\nMILOS\n(apologetic) Hah, Jerry, I am so sorry.\nthey tell me there is no way\n\nthey can do it. (meek) Is there anything else I can do for you?\nAnything at\n\nall. I refund your money.\n\nJERRY\n(animated) You know what Milos, I don't\neven care about the money. I\n\njust feel like I was taken by the worst tennis player I...\n\nMILOS\nShhh-shhh. (whispers) I make it up to\nyou.\n\nJERRY\n(doubtful) Yeah, you'll make it up to\nme.\n\nJerry turns away and walks toward the door. As he passes the\nbeautiful woman,\n\nhe speaks.\n\nJERRY\nTennis, anyone?\n\nThe woman smiles at Jerry's flirtation. Jerry leaves, and Milos\nlooks after\n\nhim, worried.\n\n(Champagne Video)\n\nKramer and Elaine stand before the 'Staff Picks' rack again.\nElaine picks a\n\nvideo off the 'Vincent' rack.\n\nELAINE\nOh, this is the one Vincent told me\nabout. The Pain And The Yearning.\n\n(reads from the box) 'An old woman experiences pain and yearning.'\nA hundred\n\nand ninety-two minutes?\n\nKRAMER\nThat's a lotta yearning, huh?\n\nELAINE\nYou know, these movies are great, but\nthey're just so emotionally\n\nexhausting.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well, what you need is some summertime\nadolescent high jinx.\n\nELAINE\nReally?\n\nKRAMER\n(looking at 'Gene' rack) See what doctor\nGene prescribes, huh? (pulls\n\ndown a cassette) Oh, here, look at that. Weekend At Bernies Two.\nNow, that's\n\nan hilarious premise.\n\nELAINE\n(laughs) Huh. (looks from tape to tape)\nWell...\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. (taps the Weekend At Bernie's\nII box)\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I could use a chuckle.\n\nElaine returns the 'Vincent' pick to the shelf and walks toward\nthe counter\n\nwith the Bernie's tape.\n\nKRAMER\n(approving) Yeah.\n\nELAINE\nWhat're you getting?\n\nKRAMER\nNothing, I'm gonna finish watching The\nOther Side Of Darkness.\n\nELAINE\nOh. How much you got left?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, about two hours.\n\nElaine does a double-take at this.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, she shot in that coma pretty quick.\n\n(Elaine's Apartment)\n\nElaine sits up in bed, watching her video. She's not enjoying\nit.\n\nELAINE\n(at TV screen) Bernie is dead, you moron!\n(frustration) Just because\n\nhe's wearing sunglasses he looks alive?! (picks up video box)\nUgh, how long\n\nis this weekend, anyway? (reads from label) Ugh!\n\nThe phone rings, and Elaine picks up, glad of the interruption.\n\nELAINE\nHello.\n\nVINCENT\n(accusing) How's the movie. Elaine?\n\nELAINE\nVincent?\n\nVINCENT\n(betrayed) The Gene pick. How could\nyou? I thought we had\n\nsomething special.\n\nELAINE\n(defensive) No, it doesn't mean anything.\nI'm not even gonna rewind\n\nit.\n\nThere is a click as Vincent hangs up.\n\nELAINE\nVincent?\n\n(Yankee Stadium, Conference Room)\n\nThe table is ringed with employees again, and there is more food.\nGeorge is\n\nstuffing his face with shrimp, just as before. There are a couple\nof empty\n\nseats. One more guy (Fred) enters, and moves to sit at the table.\n\nFRED\nAlright, let's get to it.\n\nGEORGE\nWha..wait a minute, wha..what about\nReilly?\n\nFRED\nReilly doesn't work here any more.\n\nGEORGE\n(surprise) What? I..I didn't hear about\nthat.\n\nFRED\nOh, we only wake you up for the important\nmeetings.\n\nEveryone at the table collapses into laughter at George's expense.\nAgain,\n\nGeorge do nothing but look upset at the turn of events.\n\n(Street)\n\nJerry is walking along the street, when he encounters the beautiful\nwoman\n\nfrom the pro shop, who appears to have been waiting from him.\n\nPATTY\nHello.\n\nJERRY\nHello. Didn't I see you at the pro shop\nyesterday?\n\nPATTY\nI think so. I'm Patty. Milos gave me\nyour address. I hope you don't\n\nmind me waiting for you here.\n\nJERRY\n(to himself) Hoh, that Milos. (to Patty)\nWell uh, what shall we do,\n\nuhm, care for a cup of coffee?\n\nPATTY\nWhy don't we just go up to your apartment?\n\nJERRY\n(surprised) Alright.\n\nPatty strolls past Jerry, and indicates he should follow.\n\nJERRY\n(to himself) Gotta be an easier way.\n\nJerry turns to follow Patty.\n\nTRANSCRIBED BY\n(Mazzy) Mark Brockbank Barrow-in-Furness,\nUK\n\n(Kramer's Apartment)\n\nKramer is playing the rest of The Other Side Of Darkness. The\nsoundtrack can\n\nbe heard from the TV.\n\nNURSE\nDoctor, how's her coma?\n\nDOCTOR\nOh, exactly the same.\n\nKramer enters the room, with a bowl of spaghetti. He sits on\nthe couch to\n\nwatch the movie, and lifts a big forkful into his mouth.\n\nDOCTOR\nWait a minute, she's coming out of the\ncoma.\n\nKramer stops chewing and stares wide-eyed at the TV screen.\n\nDOCTOR\nMrs Allbright, can you hear me? Are\nyou okay?\n\nALLBRIGHT\n(bright and cheerful) I feel so rested\nand refreshed. Get\n\nme a toothbrush.\n\nKramer continues to stare at the screen, stunned by the outcome\nof the movie.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry hands a drink to Patty as she stands by the kitchen counter.\n\nJERRY\nSo, you play tennis?\n\nPATTY\n(putting the glass down on the counter)\nEnough talk, Jerry.\n\nPatty advances on Jerry, sexily. Jerry looks somewhat surprised.\n\nJERRY\nNot for me, I love chatting.\n\nPATTY\n(putting her hand to Jerry's face) Shh.\n\nPatty leans toward Jerry, as though to kiss him. Just as she's\nabout to kiss,\n\nshe breaks away.\n\nPATTY\n(anguished) No! No, I can't do this.\n(moving away) I can't go through\n\nwith it. (sitting on the couch) Not even for him!\n\nJERRY\nWho?\n\nPATTY\n(cries) Milos. My husband!\n\nJERRY\n(shocked) Your husband?!\n\nPatty puts her face down on the couch, weeping. Jerry, puts his\nhands up in\n\nthe air, in a gesture of total disbelief.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nGeorge sits on the couch, just making sure he's got Jerry's story\nstraight.\n\nJerry listens.\n\nGEORGE\nSo concerned was he, that word of his\npoor tennis skills might leak\n\nout, he chose to offer you his wife as some sort of mediaeval\nsexual payola?\n\nJERRY\n(explanation) He's new around here.\n\nGEORGE\n(hopeful) So, details?\n\nJERRY\n(walking away) Well, I didn't sleep\nwith her.\n\nGEORGE\nBecause of society, right?\n\nJERRY\n(weary) Yes, George, because of society.\nSo how did the big meeting\n\nturn out?\n\nJerry is getting some sort of candy bar out of a packet on the\ncounter.\n\nGEORGE\nReilly is no longer with the club. (getting\nup) You believe that?\n\nGeorge wanders over into the kitchen.\n\nJERRY\nAh, you're better off. Now you can just\nlet it go.\n\nGeorge looks in the fridge.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, I'm gonna let it go.\n\nJERRY\nYou never really had the right comeback,\nanyway.\n\nGeorge jerks out of the fridge, slamming the door.\n\nGEORGE\n(animated) Are you insane? Jerk store,\nwoulda smoked that guy! Smoked\n\nhim, I say.\n\nGeorge walks back into the living room and picks up a newspaper.\nThe door\n\nopens and Kramer enters.\n\nKRAMER\nHey. Oh, Jerry, listen uh, you know,\nI saw the rest of that movie,\n\nThe Other Side Of Darkness? The coma lady wakes up at the end.\n\nGEORGE\n(frustrated) Ohh, I wanted to see that.\n(waves his arms in\n\nfrustration) Thanks. Thanks a lot.\n\nGeorge stalks away into the bathroom, and slams the door behind\nhim.\n\nKRAMER\nI didn't know it was possible to come\nout of a coma.\n\nJERRY\nI didn't know it was possible not to\nknow that.\n\nGEORGE\n(from bathroom) How was Eric Roberts\nas the husband?\n\nKRAMER\n(shouting back) Oh, unforgettable.\n\nGEORGE\n(disappointed) Oww.\n\nKRAMER\n(nervous) I gotta find Elaine. Y'know,\nshe's gonna pull my plug.\n\nKramer opens the door and exits hurriedly.\n\n(Champagne Video)\n\nElaine walks over the 'Vincent' rack, where she finds nothing\nbut copies of a\n\nvideo called Betrayed.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? Betrayed? Oh, Vincent, I'm so\nsorry. I...\n\nKramer enters the store and hurries over to Elaine.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, listen, uh, Elaine, I've changed\nmy mind about the whole coma\n\nthing. (positive) Yeah, I decided I'm up for it.\n\nELAINE\nKramer, do you have any idea what you've\ndone?\n\nThe store manager comes over and squeezes past Elaine.\n\nMANAGER\nExcuse me.\n\n//tinyurl.com/2rau\")\n\nThe manager removes the 'Vincent' label from the shelf and replaces\nit with\n\nanother name.\n\nELAINE\nWhat're you doing?\n\nThe manager walks back to behind the counter.\n\nELAINE\nWha..wha...?\n\nMANAGER\nVincent stopped making picks.\n\nELAINE\n(upset) Well, how am I gonna know what\nmovies to see?\n\nMANAGER\nWe have a wide variety of Gene picks.\n\nELAINE\n(dismissive) Gene's trash.\n\nMANAGER\nI'm Gene.\n\nElaine looks sick at her error. Kramer smiles and raises his\neyebrows.\n\nELAINE\n(forcing a smile) Hi.\n\n(New York Health & Racquet Club)\n\nA subdued Milos is behind the counter, before which stands Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nMilos, I can assure you, I had no intention\nof telling anyone about\n\nyour unbelievably bad tennis playing.\n\nMILOS\n(not cheered) Thank you, but, unfortunately,\nI have much larger\n\nproblems to fry. My wife, she has no respect for Milos anymore.\n\nJERRY\nI guess that's a risk you run when you\ndabble in the flesh trade.\n\nMILOS\nPatty, she, she loves tennis, as much\nlike I do. (hopeful) Wou..would\n\nyou, wi..will you let me beat you in tennis? That is the only\nway I can show\n\nher I am still a man.\n\nJERRY\n(reluctant) Well, I'll do it as long\nas there's no other girls around.\n\nI mean, I wanna be a man too.\n\n(Monk's)\n\nJerry and Elaine sit in a booth.\n\nJERRY\nSo you hurt Vincent's feelings?\n\nELAINE\n(handing Jerry an envelope) Look what\ncame in the mail today.\n\nJERRY\n(taking the envelope) Wh..What's this?\n\nJerry opens the envelope and shakes a small object out onto his\npalm.\n\nELAINE\nIt's the play button, off his VCR.\n\nJERRY\n(examining the button) Boy, look how\nfar back it goes. It's like a\n\ntooth.\n\nGeorge enters and strolls over to the booth.\n\nGEORGE\n(sitting) So, guess where Mr 'Ocean\nphoned' turned up? He's working\n\nfor Firestone, in Akron, Ohio.\n\nELAINE\nOhio? Mark's Michelle is a dog.\n\nGEORGE\nYep. I'm leaving first thing tomorrow\nmorning.\n\nJERRY\n(nonplused) You're flying to Akron,\njust to zing a guy?\n\nGEORGE\nDon't you understand? It's not about\nhim. To have a line as perfect\n\nas 'jerk store' and to never use it. I, I couldn't live with\nmyself.\n\nELAINE\nSee, there are no jerk stores. It..it's\njust a little confusing, is\n\nall.\n\nGEORGE\n(adamant) It's smart. It's a smart line,\nand a smart crowd will\n\nappreciate it. (shouting) And, I'm not gonna dumb it down for\nsome bonehead\n\nmass audience!\n\nGeorge realises that everyone in the coffee shop is staring over\nat him, and\n\nhas heard his shouts.\n\nGEORGE\n(waving apologetically) Not you.\n\n(Elaine's Apartment)\n\nElaine is again sitting up in bed, watching a video. (My guess\nis it's The\n\nPain And The Yearning.) The soundtrack can be heard.\n\nOLD WOMAN\nOh, brittle bones. How I long to be\nrid of the pain.\n\nThe phone rings and Elaine picks up.\n\nELAINE\nHello.\n\nVINCENT\nElaine? It's Vincent.\n\nELAINE\n(surprised) Vincent. (pleading) Where\nare you? I have to meet you.\n\nVINCENT\nNo. I can't bear to have anyone see\nme.\n\nELAINE\nVincent, listen, I won't judge you the\nway everyone else does.\n\nYou're, you're strange and beautiful, and sensitive. (blunter)\nNow, let's\n\nhave a look at you.\n\nVINCENT\n(relenting) Alright, but, can you bring\nme few things from\n\nthe store? I haven't been out in a while.\n\n(Kramer's Car)\n\nKramer drives along the street, very slowly. He's got traffic\nstacked up\n\nbehind him and horns blare as cars manoeuvre around him. Kramer\nis hunched\n\nover the steering wheel, looking nervous.\n\nKRAMER\n(indicating that cars should pass him)\nWell, go around, you bunch of\n\ncrazies. You maniacs are gonna get us all killed.\n\n(Lawyer's Office)\n\nKramer stands expectantly in the office. A secretary enters.\n\nSECRETARY\nHi, can I help you?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah, yeah. I'm Cosmo Kramer. Yeah,\nI had an appointment to annul\n\nmy living will.\n\nSECRETARY\nOh. (looks at her watch) Mr Kramer,\nyou had a ten-thirty\n\nappointment. It's two o'clock. Mr Shellbach had a tennis lesson.\nHe's gone\n\nfor the day.\n\nKramer looks anxious again.\n\n(Tennis Club)\n\nJerry and Milos are playing at the other tennis club. They are\nwatched by a\n\nsmall number of people, including Patty. Milos delivers a weak\nunderarm\n\nserve, and Jerry makes no effort to return it, merely wafting\nhis racquet\n\nvaguely in the direction of the ball.\n\nJERRY\nToo good.\n\nMILOS\n(triumphant shout) Another game for\nMilos!! Hahaha!\n\nMilos walks to the net to meet Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nYou're on fire today.\n\nMILOS\n(shouting over) Hey Patty. look at this\nguy. He's awful!\n\nPatty blows Milos a kiss.\n\nMILOS\n(milking it) He's not a man, this Jerry.\nHe's not even married like I\n\nam. (laughs) Huhuhuhu.\n\nJERRY\n(quietly) Hey, uh, Milos, I don't mind\nrolling over here, but could\n\nyou lighten up on the 'not a man' stuff?\n\nMILOS\n(shouting) Hey everybody, look! The\nlittle chicken girl wants me to\n\nease up. He can't handle this, so he cries like a woman! (laughs\nevilly)\n\nHahaha!\n\nMilos strides away to continue the game, leaving Jerry looking\nrueful.\n\n(Outside Vincent's Apartment)\n\nElaine walks down a hallway, carrying a large grocery bag. She\nreads numbers\n\noff doors until she spots the one she wants. She gives a smile,\nflicks her\n\nhair a little, and knocks at the door.\n\nELAINE\nHello? Vincent?\n\nThe door cracks open a few inches, but it's completely dark inside,\nso the\n\noccupant can't be seen.\n\nVINCENT\nElaine?\n\nELAINE\nI got what you asked.\n\nVINCENT\nJust, leave it and go.\n\nELAINE\nW..well, can't I come in?\n\nVINCENT\nNo. Go away. Now.\n\nTRANSCRIBED BY\n(Mazzy) Mark Brockbank Barrow-in-Furness,\nUK\n\nElaine leans forward so her face is right into the open door.\n\nELAINE\n(pleading) No, no. Vincent, I... Don't\nshut me out. (beseeching) I\n\njust, I know you feel what I feel.\n\nA woman comes up behind Elaine.\n\nWOMAN\nExcuse me. Can I help you?\n\nVINCENT\nAw, dammit!\n\nELAINE\n(confused) Uh, uhm, I'm, I'm here to\nsee Vincent.\n\nWOMAN\nWell, I'm his mother. (stern) Vincent,\nwhat's going on here?\n\nThe woman pushes the door wide open, revealing Vincent standing\nthere.\n\nVincent is a bespectacled, geeky, teen in a plaid shirt. He throws\nhis hands\n\nup to cover his face.\n\nVINCENT\n(shrieks) No, my acne!\n\nVincent darts away from the door into the apartment. Elaine is\nopen-mouthed\n\nin surprise.\n\nELAINE\nAhh-cnee.\n\nWOMAN\n(regarding the grocery bag) What d'you\nhave here?\n\nVincent's mother grabs the top of the bag and begins to rummage\nthrough the\n\ncontents.\n\nWOMAN\n(disapproving) Vodka, cigarettes, fireworks.\n(accusing) What kind of a\n\nsick woman brings this to a fifteen year old?\n\nELAINE\n(sick smile) We have the same taste\nin movies.\n\nWOMAN\nDid he send you part of our VCR?\n\nElaine smiles and nods, and pulls at a chain she has round her\nneck. Threaded\n\nonto the chain is the VCR button Vincent sent her.\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nVincent's mother holds out her hand, and Elaine pulls the chain\nover her head\n\nand hands it over.\n\nWOMAN\n(entering the apartment) Vincent!\n\nElaine reaches into the grocery bag and extracts the bottle of\nvodka. She\n\ndrops the rest of the bag on the floor, and strolls away, swinging\nthe bottle\n\nlike a club.\n\n(Tennis Club)\n\nJerry and Milos are still playing. Jerry is still throwing the\ngame, and\n\nMilos is still milking it. Jerry puts an easy return straight\ninto the court\n\nin front of himself.\n\nMILOS\n(pointing and shouting) Look at the\nbig baby! (laughter) Hehaha. (to\n\nJerry) Hey, big baby, are you wetting yourself? Maybe it is time\nfor you to\n\nbe changed. (laughter) Hahah.\n\nPatty laughs too, with the few other spectators. Jerry looks\nangry at this\n\nconstant derision.\n\nJERRY\n(quietly) I told you to cut it out.\n\nJerry delivers a fierce serve which beats Milos, and almost hits\nhim in the\n\nface.\n\nMILOS\n(quietly, to Jerry) Hey, c'mon, what're\nyou doing? (to his audience)\n\nHuhuh. The baby got lucky on that one! Hahah.\n\nJerry walks back to deliver another serve. Kramer enters and\nlooks around for\n\nsomeone. On another court, Shellbach is facing an automatic serving\nmachine.\n\nKRAMER\n(waving) Shellbach.\n\nShellbach waves vaguely back to Kramer, who has begun to walk\nround the room\n\nto get to him.\n\nMeanwhile, Jerry returns a shot to Milos, with some venom. Milos\nstretches\n\ndesperately to try and reach it, but loses his grip on his racquet.\nThe\n\nracquet arcs across the hall, watched by Patty, and then spotted\nby Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nRacquet.\n\nThe racquet plummets from the air and strikes the guy who is\noperating the\n\nautomatic serving machine for Shellbach. The guy is knocked unconscious\nand,\n\nas he falls, he pushes against the machine, turning it to point\nat Kramer.\n\nKramer stands transfixed, as it continues to launch balls at\nhim. Several\n\nballs in rapid succession strike him in the head, until he slumps,\n\nunconscious, to the floor.\n\n(Insert)\n\nAeroplane landing, with a caption 'AKRON, OHIO'.\n\n(Firestone Boardroom, Akron)\n\nA boardroom very much like that of the Yankees, but with a Firestone\nsign on\n\nthe wall. Several people sit around the table, including Reilly,\nand George,\n\nwho is filling his face from a large dish of shrimp.\n\nREILLY\nSo, George. You're proposing a snow\ntyre day at Yankee Stadium?\n\nGEORGE\n(through a mouthful) Long as they don't\nthrow 'em on the field.\n\n(laughs) Huhu. (indicating dish) Help yourself to some shrimp,\nI brought\n\nenough for everybody.\n\nMCADAM\n(doubtful) I have to say this, this\nproposal doesn't make a whole lot\n\nof sense.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, you never know. (picks up more\nshrimp) Let's see how many I can\n\nfit in my mouth.\n\nGeorge begins picking up shrimp one by one and stuffing them\ninto his mouth.\n\nREILLY\n(leaning forward) You know, George...\n\nGeorge looks up, expectantly.\n\nREILLY\nThe ocean called. They're running outta\nshrimp.\n\nEveryone around the table laughs. Except for George, who looks\ntriumphant. He\n\nswallows, and uses a napkin to clean his fingers.\n\nGEORGE\n(standing) Oh yeah, Reilly? (smugly)\nWell, the jerk store called.\n\nThey're running outta you\n\nREILLY\n(unperturbed) What's the difference?\nYou're their all-time best\n\nseller!\n\nReilly and everyone else laughs even more than they did before.\nGeorge looks\n\nangry and frustrated, even on the verge of tears for a second,\nthen something\n\noccurs to him.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah? Well, I had sex with your wife.\n\nGeorge looks round, smiling arrogantly, expecting laughter. But\nthere is a\n\ndeep, uncomfortable, silence. Reilly, looks stony-faced. McAdam\nstands and\n\nleans over to speak in George's ear.\n\nMCADAM\nHis wife is in a coma.\n\nGeorge looks sick.\n\n(Hospital Room)\n\nKramer lies in bed, asleep. Jerry sits in a chair, reading a\nnewspaper.\n\nThere's a knock at the door and Elaine enters, carrying a VCR.\n\nELAINE\n(to Jerry) Hi. (indicating Kramer) How's\nhe doing?\n\nJERRY\nHe's been sleeping a lot. He's still\ngroggy.\n\nELAINE\nOh. (puts the VCR down) I thought a\nmovie might cheer him up. I got\n\nhim a Gene pick.\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened to Vincent?\n\nELAINE\n(evasive) I'm kinda off of him. (looking\naround) Uh, outlet?\n\nJerry points to the wall beside Kramer's bed.\n\nELAINE\nAh.\n\nElaine walks over and sees both sockets are full. She takes hold\nof one of\n\nthe plugs and yanks it out of the socket with a grunt. The grunt\nwakes\n\nKramer, who looks groggily around and sees Elaine standing holding\nthe plug,\n\nas if she's just unplugged his life support. He stares, bug-eyed\nand shrieks\n\nin terror.\n\nKRAMER\n(screaming) Waahhh!!!\n\n(Insert)\n\nA plane landing, with the caption 'NEW YORK, NEW YORK'.\n\n(George's Car)\n\nOnce again, George drives along, frustrated and angry.\n\nGEORGE\n'My wife's in a coma.' Yeah? Well, the\nlife support machine called\n\nand...\n\nHe tails off, as he can't think of anywhere to go. Then a look\nof\n\nenlightenment comes to George's face, as he thinks of something.\n\nGEORGE\n(shouts) Wait! Yes! That's what I should've\nsaid! (frustration)\n\nD'ohh!\n\nGeorge looks gutted for a second, then a determined expression\ncomes to his\n\nface. He swings the car round with a squeal of tires, and heads\nback towards\n\nthe airport.\n\nGEORGE\n(cocky laughter) Huh haha! (shouts)\nYou're meat, Reilly! You just\n\nscrewed yourself! (laughter) Ha ha!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Van-Buren-Boys.html",
    "text": "THE VAN BUREN BOYS\n\nWritten by\n\nDarin Henry\n\n(A Restaurant)\n\nELLEN\nSo, they have this clock now, where\nyou punch in your age, and all your\nrisk factors. It actually counts down\nhow much time you have left to live.\n\nJERRY\nSo what's the great moment? You're on\nyour death bed, they're pounding on\nyour chest - and you're going 10, 9,\n8,.. I told you this thing was good!\n\nELLEN\n(Laughs) I can't believe this is our\nfirst date.\n\nJERRY\nI know.. How about dessert?\n\nELLEN\nI suppose I have to get a piece of cake..\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nELLEN\nToday's my birthday.\n\nJERRY\nWhat? Today? Really?\n\nELLEN\nYeah.\n\n(Waiters come out with a cake, singing \"Happy Birthday\" to a\nwoman named \"Lisa\" at another table. Jerry ponders why Ellen\nisn't celebrating with her friends)\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nGEORGE\nSo, she went out with you on a first\ndate.. and it was her birthday?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. And she picked the day!\n\nGEORGE\nIs she socially awkward?\n\nJERRY\nNo, she's great! She's.. attractive,\nshe's fun..\n\nGEORGE\nWell, maybe she decided to celebrate\nher birthday on the Monday after the\nweekend.\n\nJERRY\nShe's not Lincoln.\n\n(Enter Kramer)\n\nKRAMER\nHey! Anybody up for Lorenzo's pizza?\n\nJERRY\nI'll pass.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah? Huh. (Turns to George) Hey,\nGeorge! Pizza? Yum, yum!\n\nGEORGE\nEh, I can't. I gotta go down to the\nfoundation. I'm interviewing high schoolers\nfor the Susan Ross.. scholarship.\n\nJERRY\nDoes it ever bother you that this organization-\n\nGEORGE\nNope!\n\nJERRY\nis beating the bushes-\n\nGEORGE\nNope! (Starts heading for the door)\n\nJERRY\nto basically give this money away-\n\nGEORGE\nNoo!\n\nJERRY\nto virtually anyone, as long as they're\nnot you?\n\nGEORGE\n(Standing in the doorway) I'm fine with\nit! Fi-hi-hi-hine I say! (Leaves)\n\nSusan Ross Foundation conference room)\n\nSTUDENT 1\nAnd then I received a 740 on the English\nachievement test. (George looks bored)\n\nGEORGE\nQuick, what's your favorite animal?\n\nSTUDENT 1\nI.. I don't know.. frog?\n\nGEORGE\n(Disappointed) A frog?\n\nSTUDENT 1\nWell, I.. I..\n\nGEORGE\n(Annoyed) Frog is wrong.\n\n(Cut to another student's interview)\n\nGEORGE\n(Reading) I see here that you play the\nharp.. tell me, why do you have to tilt\nit? Can't you just build it on an angle?\nIt'd save you a lot of trouble.\n\nSTUDENT 2\nWell, the modern-day harp has been refined\nover thousands of years-\n\nGEORGE\n(Annoyed) Yeah, yeah. We'll, uh, let\nyou know.\n\n(Cut to another student interview)\n\nGEORGE\n(Reading) I see your G.P.A's a 4.0.\n\nSTUDENT 3\n(Smiling gloatingly) You like that,\ndon't you?\n\n(Cut to another student interview)\n\nGEORGE\nso, uh, Steven.. I see you're president\nof the chess club.\n\nSTEVEN\nState champs.\n\nGEORGE\nWho's your favorite chess player?\n\nSTEVEN\n(Hesitating, he mumbles) Nastercoff?\n\nGEORGE\nRight. (Mumbles) Nastercoff.. What country\nis he from, again?\n\nSTEVEN\n(Sighs) I don't know.. I made it up.\n(Gets up to leave) I'm never gonna get\nthis thing.\n\nGEORGE\n(Gets up, stopping him) Woah, woah,\nwoah! What are you telling me for? You\nreally had me going, there! C'mon, sit\ndown. (They both sit back down)\n\nWhat do you want to do when you grow up?\n\nSTEVEN\nI've been telling people that I'd like\nto be an architect..\n\n(George is suddenly interested)\n\nJerry's apartment)\n\nELAINE\nSo, get this: Mister Peterman is finally\nletting me do some real writing. He's\ngot this book deal, for his autobiography.\nHe's gonna let me ghost write it.\n\nJERRY\nWow. That's great! When it comes out,\nI'll have to get someone to ghost read\nit.\n\n(Elaine mockingly laughs at Jerry's joke. Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nELAINE\nHey!\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, so there I am at Lorenzo's\n- loading up my slice of the fixin's\nbar.. garlic, (imitates the shaking\nof garlic onto a pizza) and what-not..\nmmm,\n\nmmm.. and I see this guy over at the pizza boxes giving me the\nstink-eye. (Imitates the 'stink-eye') So I give hime the crook-eye\nback, (Imitates the 'crook-eye') you\n\nknow.. Then, I notice that he's not alone! I'm taking on the\nentire Van Buren Boys!\n\nJERRY\nThe Van Buren Boys? There's a street\ngang named after President Martin Van\nBuren?\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah, and they're just as mean as\nhe was! So, I make a move to the door,\nyou know, (makes a noise) they block\nit! So, I lunged for the bathroom.\n\n(demonstrates) I grab the knob - Occupado! Then they back me\nup agains the cartoon map of Italy, and all of the sudden, they\njust stop.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? What happened?\n\nKRAMER\nBecause I'm still holding the garlic\nshaker.. Yeah.. like this (grabs Jerry's\npeper shaker, and demonstrates) I'm\nonly showing eight fingers.\n\nJERRY\nWell, what does that mean?\n\nKRAMER\nThat's their secret sign! See, Van Buren,\nhe was teh eighth President.. (Holds\nup 8 fingers) They thought I was a former\nVan B. Boy!\n\nOutside a coffee shop)\n\nELLEN\n(Sees a pay phone) Oh, Jerry, can you\nhold on a sec? I just want to check\nmy messages.. (She meets up with two\nof her friends on the way to the phone)\n\nOh, Melissa! Kim!\n\nMELISSA\nEllen.\n\nELLEN\nHey! You guys, I want you to meet Jerry.\n(Gestures tward Jerry, then goes back\nto the phone)\n\nMELISSA\nOhh, we've heard a lot about you! (Confidentially)\nIt is so sweet of you to take her out.\n\nKIM\nYeah, you don't even know how much she\nneeds this.\n\nJERRY\n(Sympathetically) She coming of a bad\nbreak-up?\n\nKIM\n(Casually) No.\n\nMELISSA\nSee ya!\n\n(They walk off. Ellen hangs up, then walks over to Jerry)\n\nJERRY\nAny messages?\n\nELLEN\nYeah, no one called.\n\nCoffee shop)\n\nJERRY\nThey act like it was some act of charity.\nJust going out with her.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, she's the loser of the group. Every\ngroup has someone that they all make\nfun of.. Like us with Elaine. (Jerry\nthinks about this, then shakes it off)\n\nJERRY\nThere is no way Ellen is the loser of\nthat group.\n\nGEORGE\nAre you looking deep down at the real\nperson underneath?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I'm being as superficial as I possibly\ncan!\n\nGEORGE\n(Changing subject) Hey, I htink I may\nhave found someone for the scholarship.\n\nJERRY\nYeah?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm interviewing all these annoying\nlittle overachievers.. finally, this\nkid walks in - Steven Koren - a regular\nguy.. likes sports.. watches T.V..\n\nJERRY\nIs he smart?\n\nGEORGE\n(Defensively) He knows how to read.\nAnd he also knows finishing an entire\nbook doesn't prove anything. And get\nthis: he's into architecture.\n\nJERRY\nHey! Just like you pretend to be.\n\nGEORGE\nYes. With a little guidance, Steven\nKoren is going to be everything I claim\nto be, only for real. That's my dream,\nJerry.\n\nJERRY\nI had a dream last night that a hamburger\nwas eating me!\n\nJ. Peterman's apartment)\n\nELAINE\nMister Peterman, thanks for having me\nover. Your place isn't quite what I\nimagined.. (It's plain, with no sign\nof Peterman's personality)\n\nPETERMAN\nOhhh.. It's just a place to flop. (Sits\nin his recliner)\n\nELAINE\nWell, (Clears throat) what part of your\nlife (hits the record button on a mini-recorder,\nand sets it down on the table) do you\nwant to start with? Foreign\n\nintrigue? Exotic romances?\n\nPETERMAN\nOh, Elaine, we've covered all of that\nin the catalogue ad nauseum. No, I would\nlike this book to be about my day-to-day\nlife.\n\nELAINE\nOh.\n\nPETERMAN\n(Turns on the T.V, and starts flipping\nthrough the channels) Oh damn. They\nchanged the cable stations again.. just\nwhen I finally memorized them.\n\nELAINE\nWell, Mister Peterman, do you want to,\num..\n\nPETERMAN\n(Still flipping through the channels)\n2.. CBS..\n\nELAINE\nget, um, started..\n\nPETERMAN\n3.. I don't know what that is.. where's\nmy damn preview channel?\n\nELAINE\n(After observing Peterman's home life)\nWell, I - I got ta tell you, Mister\nPeterman.. I don't think I see a whole\nbook here.\n\nPETERMAN\nwell, I'm sure we'll come up with something.\nWhat do you say you and I order ourselves\na pie? Do you like Lorenzo's?\n\nELAINE\nYou know, a friend of mine almost got\nbeat up at that place by the Van Buren\nBoys?\n\nPETERMAN\n(Interested) You don't say.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. The only think that saved him\nis that he accidentally flashed their\nsecret gang sign.\n\nPETERMAN\nWell, that's pretty exciting. (Pause)\nLet's put that in the book.\n\nELAINE\nBut, that didn't happen to you.\n\nPETERMAN\nSo, we pay off your friend, and it becomes\na Peterman.\n\nELAINE\nNo, I - I really don't think you can\ndo that.\n\nPETERMAN\n(Looking at his dying plant) Ohh, damn.\nI forgot to buy plant food again.. I'll\nbet I got a coupon for it. (Starts looking\nthrough a small coupon box)\n\nELAINE\nYou know what? Maybe I better talk to\nmy friend.\n\nCoffee shop)\n\n(Jerry's on a date with Ellen, he's desperately trying to find\nout what is wrong with her)\n\nJERRY\nIs that the same outfit you were wearing\nyesterday?\n\nELLEN\nNo, this is brand new. Do you like it?\n\nJERRY\nActually, yeah. (Pause) Wait a second!\nIs that the fork that fell on the floor?!\n(Dramatically) Are you using the fork\nthat fell on the floor?!\n\nELLEN\n(Laughs) No, Jerry, the waitress game\nbe another one.\n\nJERRY\nI guess that's all right.\n\nELLEN\nIs something wrong, Jerry?\n\nJERRY\nNo, absolutely nothing. (They get up\nto leave) You're fantastic! (They meet\nup with Kramer and George on the way\nout) Hey guys!\n\nGEORGE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\n(Gesturing to Ellen) Kramer, George,\nthis is Ellen.\n\n(Kramer gives a look)\n\nSusan Ross Foundation conference room)\n\nGEORGE\nLadies and gentlemen, this (Opens the\ndoor, Steven is standing there) is Steven\nKoren. His G.P.A. is a solid 2.0! Right\nin that meaty part of the curve -\n\nnot showing off, not falling behind.\n\nWYCK\nGeorge, the quailifications for this\nscholarship were suppose to be.. largely\nacademic.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm sure we're all aware of the flaws\nand biases of standardized tests..\n\nWYCK\nThese aren't standardized tests - these\nare his grades.\n\nGEORGE\nBesides, Steven Koren has the highest\nof aspirations. He wants to be (pauses\nfor effect) an architect.\n\nWYCK\nIs that right?\n\nSTEVEN\nActually, maybe I could set my sights\na little bit higher.\n\nGEORGE\n(Laughs) Steven, nothing is higher than\nan architect.\n\nSTEVEN\nI think I'd really like to be a city\nplanner. (Sits down, addressing the\nentire foundation board) Why limit myself\nto just one building, when I can design\na\n\nwhole city?\n\nWYCK\nWell, that's a good point.\n\nGEORGE\n(Mutters) No, it's not.\n\nSTEVEN\nWell, isn't an architect just an art\nschool drop-out with a tilty desk, and\na big ruler? (Laughs - so do the board\nmembers)\n\nGEORGE\n(Irritated) It's called a T-square.\n\nWYCK\nYou know, the stupidest guy in my fraternity\nbecame an architect - after he flunked\nout of dental school! (Everyone but\nGeorge laughs) Contratulations,\n\nyoung man. (Shakes Steven's hand)\n\nSTEVEN\nThank you.\n\nWYCK\nSusan would be proud of what you're\ndoing.\n\nSTEVEN\nThank you.\n\nPeterman's office)\n\n(Kramer is selling his Van Buren Boys story to Peterman)\n\nKRAMER\nAnd they made it their sign, because,\nVan Buren, our 8th President, was the\nman they most admired.\n\nPETERMAN\n(Laughs) Kramer, my friend, that is\none ripping good yarn.. (Hands Kramer\na check)\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, if you like that one, I got\nmore.. what are you looking for? Romance?\nComedy? Adventue? .. Erotica? (Clicks\nhis tongue)\n\nELAINE\nNo, uh, Kramer. I don't think -\n\nPETERMAN\n(Interrupting) How much would you take\nfor the whole lot?\n\nKRAMER\nMy whole lot?\n\nPETERMAN\nName your price, man!\n\nKRAMER\n(Thinks) 1500 dollars.\n\nPETERMAN\nI'll give you half that.\n\nKRAMER\n(Excited) Done!\n\nPETERMAN\nKramer, my friend, (Gestures to Elaine)\nconsider Elaine at your disposal.\n\nKRAMER\nOkay.. (To Elaine) Well, I, Uh.. I like\nto work in the evenings.. (Elaine slumps\nback, and covers her head in misfortune)\n\nElaine's office)\n\n(Elaine is growing weary of Kramer's childish antics. Kramer's\npracticing putting golf balls on her office floor)\n\nELAINE\nWould you please just get on with the\nstupid Bob Saccamano story?!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I'm on the phone with Bob, and\nI realize right then and there that\nI need to return this pair of pants.\nSo, I'm off to the store.\n\nELAINE\nWhat happened to Bob Saccamano?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, nothing. His part of the story\nis done. (Elaine covers her face with\nher hands - showing her difficulty coping\nwith Kramer) So I'm waiting for the\n\nsubway, It's not coming, so I decided to hoof it through the\ntunnel.\n\nELAINE\nAlright, well, now that's something..\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I don't know if I lost track of\ntime - or what, but the next think I\nknew..\n\nELAINE\n(Adding) A train is bearing down on\nyou?!\n\nKRAMER\nNo, I slipped - and fell in the mud.\nRuining the very pants I was about to\nreturn.\n\nELAINE\n(Reflects on the story) I don't understand..\nyou were wearing the pants you were\nreturning?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I guess I was..\n\nELAINE\n(Still confused) What were you gonna\nwear on the way back?\n\nKRAMER\nElaine, are you listening?! I didn't\neven get there! (Pauses) All right,\nnext story..\n\nELAINE\nAlright, I think I got enough for one\nday.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah, chew on that.\n\nELAINE\n(Mocking) Yeah, I'll chew on that.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, hey, listen, by the way - I'm hosting\na little get-together tonight in honor\nof my little financial upturn..\n\nELAINE\nOh, thanks. I've got plans.\n\nKRAMER\nElaine, you should be there to document\nit.\n\nELAINE\n(Putting on her coat) Oh, you're getting\ntogether with some of your jackass friends,\nand you want me to take notes?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, but get there after nine. You\nknow, give the poeple a chance to loosen\nup.\n\n(Kramer turns to go, but slips on a golf ball. He falls to the\nground. Elaine looks at him as if to say 'What a doofus.')\n\nJerry's apartment)\n\nJERRY\nSo you're denying him the scholarship\njust because he wants to be a city planner?\n\nGEORGE\nI was betrayed! That kid was like a\nson to me. And if there's one person\nyou should be able to hold down, it's\nyour own flesh and blood. Like my\n\nfather.. my father's father before him.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, maybe philanthropy is not\nyour field. (Phone rings, he answers\nit) Hello. Oh, Hi, Ellen. Yeah, I called\nthe hotel.. we're all set for the weekend.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're spending the weekend with Ellen?\n\nJERRY\n(To George, in a 'cha-ching!' motion)\nVermont! (To Ellen) With any luck, they\nsaid we could stay an extra couple of\ndays if we want to! (George is\n\ndisturbed. He gets up, goes go Kramer's door, and knocks. They\ntalk) Four days at a beautiful bed-and-breakfast! I can't wait..\nbuy-bye. (Hangs up. George and\n\nKramer come into Jerry's apartment, confronting him) What? (George\ntakes the phone off the hook) What is this?\n\nGEORGE\n(To Kramer) You want to start?\n\nKRAMER\n(To George) Uh, No, no, no.. you go\nahead. I gotta get my thoughts together.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, this whole Ellen situation..\nhas gone far enough.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?!\n\nKRAMER\n(Adding) Jerry, she's a loser. (George\npoints to Kramer - gesturing that he's\nright on target)\n\nJERRY\nWhere is this coming from? She's great!\n\nGEORGE\n(Concerned) Why're you doing this, Jerry?\nIs it your career? Things will pick\nup.\n\nJERRY\nThere's nothing wrong with my career!\n\nKRAMER\n(Like a parent) Well, I still like the\nBloomingdale's executive training program\nfor him.\n\nGEORGE\nI though we said we weren't going to\ndiscuss that now!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you know, I think it's something\nhe should consider.\n\nGEORGE\nOf course he should consider it, but\nnow is not the time!\n\nKRAMER\nListen, George, all these issues are\ninterrelated.\n\nJERRY\n(Fed up) Alright! Excuse me! (Gets up)\nI'm not buying any of this!\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, so what're you saying? That\nwe're wrong? Oh, everybody's wrong but\nyou!\n\nJERRY\nYou know, this is liek that Twilight\nZone where the guy wakes up, and he's\nthe same - but everyone else is different!\n\nKRAMER\nWhich one?\n\nJERRY\nThey were all like that!\n\nNYC Street)\n\n(George comes out of a store, he meets up with Steven Koren)\n\nSTEVEN\nWhy'd you take away my scholarship,\nMister Costanza?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, Steven, I, uh.. (All the sudden,\na small gang steps out of nowhere, surrounding\nGeorge)\n\nSTEVEN\nThese are my new friends - The Van Buren\nBoys.\n\nMEMBER 1\nHe became so disillusioned, he had to\njoin us.\n\nGEORGE\nOh.. nice.\n\nSTEVEN\nI want my scholarship back, so I can\nbe a city planner.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about architect, Steven?\n\nMEMBER 1\n(Moves threateningly close to George)\nCity planner.\n\nCafe)\n\n(Kramer is having his party, Elaine is painfully sitting through\nit)\n\nFRIEND 1\nGreat party, K-man!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well, you got that straight! (Turns\nto Elaine) Hey, Elaine, try the beef\n- because that's realy au jus sauce,\nhuh. (Dramatically) Real au jus sauce!\n\nELAINE\n(Sourly) I'll make a note of it.\n\nFRIEND 1\nHey, Kramer,\n\nKRAMER\nYeah?\n\nFRIEND 1\nRamirez has never heard your pants story.\n\nKRAMER\nOhh kay! Well, you know, I had Bob Saccamano\non the phone, and I suddenly realized\nthat I- (Elaine stops him)\n\nELAINE\nYou can't tell that story now. It belongs\nto Peterman.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat do ya mean?\n\nELAINE\nYou signed the release.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nHe sat in mud. Not you.\n\nKRAMER\nBut I did sit in mud.\n\nELAINE\n(Stern) Ya didn't! You never sat in\nmud!\n\nKRAMER\n(Pleading) I was all dirty!\n\nELAINE\nIt ever happened! Understand?\n\n(Kramer's friends get restless, and beg for the rest of the story)\n\nKRAMER\n(To crowd) Hey, hey, hey! All right!\nYeah, uh, yeah.. well.. Uh, the pants.\nthey, uh, they fit, uh, well - and so\nI, uh, decided I wasn't gonna return\nthem!\n\n(Laughs) Wooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!\n\n(The crowd is disappointed)\n\nFRIEND 1\nIt's getting late. Maybe we better get\ngoing. (They all get up to leave)\n\nKRAMER\nWhat? You're gonna go now? Hey, woah!\nI don't.. (watches his friends leave)\n\n(Enter George)\n\nKRAMER\n(Frantic) Kramer, Kramer! I got big\ntrouble with the - with the Van Buren\nBoys.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, now, they're tough cookies.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, and I - I heard you got on their\ngood side. Now, what'd you do?\n\nKRAMER\nUh.. ah, (Looks over at Elaine, and\nrealizes he can't tell the Van Buren\nBoys story) Oh, nothing - nothing..\nNo, I certainly don't have any stories,\nif that's\n\nwhat you're implying. (Laughs heartily)\n\nGEORGE\n(Frantic) Kramer, do you know what those\nguys are gonna do to me?!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well, uh.. you know uh, you didn't\nhear from me, but, uh, the Van Buren\nBoys - they never hassle their own kind.\n\nGEORGE\nYou mean, like, a former member?\n\n(Kramer nods his head while drinking from a mug of beer)\n\nJerry's apartment)\n\nELAINE\nThese Kramer stories are unusable! (Thumbs\nthrough them) I mean, some of them aren't\neven stories! (Holds one out) Look,\nthis is a list of things in his\n\napartment!\n\nJERRY\nIs my toaster oven on there?\n\nELAINE\nHow am I ever gonna turn this into a\nbook?\n\nJERRY\nWell, just shape them - change them.\nYou're a writer.\n\nELAINE\nYes! I'm a writer.\n\nJERRY\nMake them interesting.\n\nELAINE\nInteresting! Of course! People love\ninteresting writing!\n\n(Jerry reacts oddly, as if to say 'That's enough of that!')\n\nJERRY\nWell, I gotta go to the airport. I'm\npicking up my parents.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? Wheren't they just here?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. I'm flying them in to meet Ellen.\nI don't know where to turn! I gotta\nsee what they think of her.\n\nELAINE\nMaybe we could all have dinner later?\n\nJERRY\nI don't think so. I'm gonna try to get\nthem to fly right back tonight.\n\n(Enter Kramer)\n\nKRAMER\nOh, hey! Hey, have I told you about\nmy bunions? Oh, you're gonna love this\nstory! (Rubs his hands together) So,\nI line up my cold cuts on the couch\n\nnext to me, but as I'm stacking them up, they keep falling into\nmy foot bath! (Jerry and Elaine look disgusted)\n\nJERRY\nKramer, this is awful! We don't want\nto hear about this!\n\nKRAMER\nDamn!\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I bought a bunch of bunion stories\nfrom Newman - but they all stink!\n\nELAINE\nHow much did you pay for them?\n\nKRAMER\nEight bucks! I think I got ripped off!\n(Leaves, yelling out \"Newman!\")\n\nPeterman's office)\n\nELAINE\nOh, what didn't you like about the first\nchapter?\n\nPETERMAN\nWell, it started out nicely: \"I'm returning\nsome pants.\" A very identifiable problem..\n(turns page) \"I set of down a train\ntunnel.\".. (turns page) But that's\n\nwhere the story takes a most unappealing turn.\n\nELAINE\nOh, no, no! That's where it gets interesting!\nDon't you see? The - the train is bearing\ndown on you, you - you dive into a side\ntunnel - and you run into a\n\nwhole band of underground tunnel dwellers!\n\nPETERMAN\nIt just seems so cliched, and obvious.\nIt's not interesting writing.\n\nELAINE\nYeah.. yeah. I know. Um.. how about\nif, instead of.. diving from the train,\nyou.. uh, you, I don't know, you slip\nand, and fall in some mud, and.. ruin\nyour\n\npants?\n\nPETERMAN\n(Intrigued) The very pants I was returning.\nThat's perfect irony! Elaine, that is\ninteresting writing! (The intercom beeps)\n\nSECRETARY\nI have a Cosmo Kramer on line 4.\n\nPETERMAN\n(Picks up the phone) Peterman, here.\n\nKRAMER\nMister Peterson, you gotta sell me my\nstories back!\n\nPETERMAN\nYou want to know something? I no longer\nneed them!\n\nELAINE\nNo, no. Mister Peterman, why don't we\nkeep them - as a, as a reference?\n\nPETERMAN\nNonsense! (To Kramer) I have Benes'\nwoderfully imaginative mind to spin\nmy stories. You take back your tales,\nyou vagabond!\n\nKRAMER\nYippie-yi-yay!\n\nPETERMAN\n(Hangs up) There you are, Elaine. Go\nforth, and create. (Elaine gets up to\nleave) And, by the way, when you get\nto that chapter about my romantic\n\nescapades - feel free to toss yourself in the mix.\n\nNYC Street)\n\n(George meets up with the Van Buren Boys again)\n\nGEORGE\nHey, Van B. Boys.\n\nSTEVEN\nSo, Mister Costanza, did you get my\nscholarship back?\n\nGEORGE\nNow, fellas, fellas.. easy. You wouldn't\nwant to beat up on one of your own.\n\nMEMBER 2\nIs that right? Then why don't you flash\nus the sign?\n\nGEORGE\nRight.. the sign. (Hesitates, then makes\na series of stupid gestures)\n\nSTEVEN\nThat's not the sign.\n\nGEORGE\n(Defensively loud) It was when I was\nbanging!\n\nMEMBER 2\nAll right, if you really are one of\nus.. let's see you take the wallet off\nthe next guy who walks by.\n\nGEORGE\nLove to! (Cracks his knuckles, then\nwinces under the pain)\n\nCoffee shop)\n\nELLEN\nAnd after college, I got my masters\nat the Sorbonne.\n\nMORTY\nSorbonne? Oh, hey. (To Helen) That's\nin Paris.\n\nELLEN\n(Looks at her watch) Oh, Jerry, you're\nparking meter's about to expire. Don't\nget up, I've got change. (Leaves with\nher purse)\n\nJERRY\n(To his parents) So? What do you think?\n\nHELEN\nJerry, she's fantastic.\n\nJERRY\nI knew it! I'm not crazy.\n\nHELEN\nShe's so sweet, and she's got some body\non her!\n\nMORTY\nAnd smart! Like a computer!\n\nHELEN\nAnd so much personality! But, it doesn't\nmatter what we think. Do you like her?\n\nJERRY\n(After seeing how much his parents like\nher) Now, I'm not so sure.\n\nHELEN\nWell, she's 10 times better than that\nawful Amber girl that you were with.\n\nJERRY\nyeah, Amber.. I wonder if she's back\nfrom Vegas..\n\nNYC Alley)\n\nMEMBER 2\nThe next one, or you're meat!\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, alright! (Goes out onto the\nsidewalk. The Seinfelds walk by) Seinfelds!\n\nMORTY\nHey, George!\n\nGEORGE\nShhh! Listen, you gotta do me a favor.\nGive me your wallet. I'll give it back\nto you later.\n\nMORTY\nHow're your folks?\n\nGEORGE\nEh, they're trying to pick out a new\ncouch - you don't want to know. (Remembering\nthe watching Van Buren Boys) Give me\nyour wallet, or I'll spill your\n\nguts right here on the street!\n\nMORTY\nWhat did you say?\n\nGEORGE\nCome on, hurry up, old man! I'm an animal!\n\nHELEN\nYou're being very rude. Come on, Morty.\n\nGEORGE\n(Pleading) Please, please, they're gonna\nhit me! (Attempts to grab Helen's purse,\nshe starts hitting George defensively,\nhe backs off)\n\nMORTY\nTell your parents we said 'Hi!' (They\nleave)\n\n(The Van Buren Boys come out of the alley, George holds up his\nhand in a \"stop\" gesture - then takes off running down the street,\nscreaming. The Van Buren Boys chase him)\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Susie.html",
    "text": "THE SUSIE\n\nWritten by\n\nDavid Mandel\n\n[JERRY and KRAMER are walking down\nthe street at dusk.]\n\nKRAMER\nLook how dark it's gettin' already.\n\nJERRY\nWell, it's not Daylight Savings\nTime yet.\n\nKRAMER\nWhen does it start?\n\nJERRY\n[pause] I don't know, they just\ntell you the night before.\n\nKRAMER\nUh. Well, I'm sick o' waiting.\n[pulls out his pocket-watch (it\nhas a chain, too)]\n\nI am springin' ahead riiight now.\n\nJERRY\n[under breath] Oh, I'm sure that\nwon't cause any problems..\n\n[JERRY sees MIKE down the sidewalk.\nMIKE's peering into a shop window.]\n\nJERRY\nOh, god, it's Mike Moffit..\n\nKRAMER\nOh now, don't tell me you're still\nmad at him for calling you a phony.\nJerry, that was five years ago!\n\nJERRY\nI'm not a phony an' I don't want\nanything to do with this guy.\n\nKRAMER\nHey! Mike!\n\nMIKE\n[sees and is enthused, coming over]\nKramer! Jerry! How's it goin'?!\n\nJERRY\nFine. An' I'm not just sayin' that..\n\nMIKE\nGuess what? I just started my own\nbusiness. I'm a bookie!\n\nJERRY\nNo openings in arson?\n\nMIKE\n[pauses, struck by J's attitude]\nEither of you guys wanna place\na bet: I'm your guy.\n\nKRAMER\n[quickly] Ah no no no. No bets\nfor me, I uh, I got a disease.\n\nJERRY\nI'm feelin' a bit queasy myself.\nMaybe I'll see you in another five\nyears. [casually leaves]\n\nMIKE\nKramer. Jerry still mad about that\n\"phony\" thing?\n\nKRAMER\nYou kidding? It's all water near\na bridge.\n\nMIKE\nHey, what time you got?\n\nKRAMER\n[pulling out his timepiece] Oh\nyes. Uh.. it's aaalmost six.\n\nMIKE\nWhoa--uh--I'm really late. [leaves]\n\n[ELAINE's at work, with PEGGY at\nPeggy's drafting table, looking\nat Peggy's designs. (PEGGY is an\nolder, thin woman.)]\n\nELAINE\nOh! These designs look great! Peggy,\nyou really saved me.\n\nPEGGY\nOh, it was no problem.\n\nELAINE\n[leaving with the drawings] Mr.\nPeterman is gonna love 'em.\n\nPEGGY\n[focusing on her work] Thanks,\nSusie.\n\n[At the door, ELAINE turns around,\nwondering if she heard right, and\nshould she say anything. PEGGY\nlooks up, pleasantly\n\nnods at her, and returns to her\nwork. ELAINE wavers and decides\nto let it drop, and leaves.]\n\n[That night at Monk's, JERRY and\nELAINE are sitting in a booth.]\n\nELAINE\nYou won't believe this but, as\nI'm leaving, she calls me \"Susie.\"\n\nJERRY\nI don't see you as a Susie. Sharon\nmaybe.\n\nELAINE\nWhat am I, a--a bulimic, chain-smoking,\nstenographer from Staten Island?\n\nJERRY\nWho are you describing?\n\nELAINE\nSomeone I know.\n\nJERRY\nNamed Sharon?\n\nELAINE\nI'd rather not say.\n\n[GEORGE has just come in and grabs\na chair to put a garment bag on.]\n\nGEORGE\nHey.\n\nELAINE\n[to say hello] Mmm!\n\nWhat's in the bag?\n\nGEORGE\n[sitting] Newww tuxedo. For the\nPinstripe Ball. Steinbrenner is\nthrowing a huge party at Tavern\non the Green, heh!\n\nJERRY\nKind of a Yankee prom?\n\nGEORGE\n[resentfully dampened] It's not\na prom. It's a Ball.\n\nJERRY\nYou taking Allison?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, of course I'm taking Allison.\nThis woman is genetically engineered\nto go to a ball. Tall, blonde,\nlithe--\n\nJERRY\nLive?\n\nELAINE\nLithe.\n\nGEORGE\nLive?\n\nELAINE\n[rolling her eyes] Lithe!\n\nJERRY\nOh, lithe!\n\nELAINE\nWell, you two'll have a great time\nthere.\n\nJERRY\nIt can't be worse than this.\n\nELAINE\nMmm!\n\nGEORGE\nAn' wait'll you see the dress that\nshe's got. It's backless! Uh?!\nI'm finally gonna make a Great\nEntrance!\n\nELAINE\nBackless? Ya gonna back her in?\n\nGEORGE\nElaine, when a woman makes a Ball\nEntrance.. she twirls.\n\nELAINE\nShe's not gonna twirl--\n\nGEORGE\nShe'll Twirl.\n\n[GEORGE and ALLISON are coming\ninto George's \"house.\"]\n\nGEORGE\nThat is what Mr. Steinbrenner wants.\nHe wants, everyone, ta, twirl around.\n\nALLISON\n[weary] All right.\n\nGEORGE\nHey! Uh--listen--did you get your--uh--boss's\nKnick ticket, for Kramer?\n\nALLISON\n[digging in purse] Yeah, uh--here.\n[hands him ticket]\n\nGEORGE\nOh! Great!\n\nALLISON\nUh. Say, George--\n\nGEORGE\nWoo! Courtside!\n\n[mock-snide] Is that the best you\ncould do? Ha ha!\n\nALLISON\n[sitting] George. We need to talk.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nALLISON\nI really, think we need to talk.\n\nGEORGE\n[pause] Uh-oh.\n\n[Jerry's \"house.\" JERRY and GEORGE\nare just coming in.]\n\nJERRY\nShe wants to talk.\n\nGEORGE\nShe doesn't Want to talk, she needs\nto talk.\n\nJERRY\nNobody needs to talk.\n\nGEORGE\nWho would Want to.\n\nShe tried to end it with me, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nWhat'd ya do?\n\nGEORGE\nI told her I was out o' soda, I\nwent out to get some, an' I never\nwent back.\n\nJERRY\n[pause] All night?!\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, I slept at my parents' house.\n\nJERRY\nAnd she wants to break up with\nyou..\n\nGEORGE\nHa! [snort] Can you believe it?\n[amused] I'm supposed to be havin'\nlunch with her right now at Pomodoro.\n\nJERRY\nUh-oh. \"Everybody breaks up at\nPomodoro's.\"\n\nGEORGE\nSo? What'm I gonna do?\n\nJERRY\nYou really like this girl.\n\nGEORGE\nNo. I like the ball! This is my\nOne Chance to make a Great Entrance!\nMy whole life! I have never made\na great entrance!\n\nJERRY\nYou've made some Fine Exits.\n\nGEORGE\n[admitting] All right..\n\nJERRY\nSo what do you do? You can't keep\navoiding her.\n\nGEORGE\n[resolved] Why not.\n\n[determined] If she can't find\nme, she can't break up with me.\nAnd, if we're still goin' out,\nshe has to gooo to the ballll.\n\nKRAMER\n[suddenly entering] Hey, oh--listen.\nDid you get my ticket from Allison--\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, yeah, right here. [hands\nit to him]\n\nKRAMER\nAll right! Yeah.. Courtside.. Whoa!\nDon't let this girl get away..\n\nGEORGE\n[clipping on shades] Ha.. She'll\nhave to find me first. [leaving]\n\nKRAMER\n{All right.} [to JERRY] Ah? Oh,\nby the way: you owe Mike a hundred\ndollars.\n\nJERRY\nWhat for?\n\nKRAMER\nWell I put a bet down for ya on\ntonight's game. Yeah, if the Knicks\nbeat the Pacers by more than thirty-five?\nIt pays ten to one.\n\nOo-oo! That's some sweet action!\n\nJERRY\nBut I don't want any \"sweet action.\"\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I couldn't do it: I got a\ngamblin' problem.\n\nJERRY\nSo you put down my money?!\n\nKRAMER\n[impatient sigh] You don't have\na problem.\n\nJERRY\nNot {with} that, no..\n\n[ELAINE's at the office, walking\npast PEGGY's office. PEGGY's reading\na memo and notices her.]\n\nPEGGY\nSusie.\n\nSusie!\n\nELAINE\n[coming in] Uh.. Hi, Peggy. Um..\nLook, I should have said this yesterday,\nbut--\n\nPEGGY\nDid you get this memo from Elaine\nBenes?\n\nELAINE\nYeah. See that--\n\nPEGGY\n[preoccupied] You know, it's amazing\nPeterman hasn't fired that dolt.\n\nShe practically ran the company\ninto the gro-ound.\n\nELAINE\nWell. Well, I thought she did a\npretty good Job..\n\nPEGGY\nI heard she was a disaster, Suze--\n\nELAINE\n[testy, leans into Peggy's personal\nspace] Look-it. It's not Suze.\nAll right? It's Su-zie. My name,\nis Su-zie!\n\n[PEGGY feels quite threatened..]\n\n[GEORGE is in his living room,\nwatching TV, eating popcorn. The\nphone rings and he lets the machine\npick it up as he munches\n\nand uses the remote. The machine\ntape is to the tune of the Greatest\nAmerican Hero theme song (\"The\nGreatest American\n\nHero (Believe it or not),\" written\nby Mike Post and Stephen Geyer).]\n\nGEORGE\n[on tape, singing] \"Believe it\nor not, George, isn't at home,\nplease leave a mes-saaage at the\nbeep. I must be out or I'd pick\nup\n\nthe pho-one. Where could I be?\nBelieve it or not, I'm not hooome.\"\n[beep]\n\n(JERRY's on the other end, a little\nbored. But GEORGE likes the song,\nbobbed his head with it.)\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, pick up. I know you're\nscreening for Allison.\n\nGEORGE\n[answers phone, good mood] Hey.\n\nJERRY\nSo, coffee shop?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I can't. She knows I go there.\nIt's not secure. [the call waiting\nbeeps]\n\nHey, I got another call comin'\nin. I gotta let the machine get\nit. Bye. [hangs up]\n\nGEORGE\n[on tape, singing] \"Believe it\nor not, George, isn't at home,\nplease leave a mes-saaage at the\nbeep. I must be out or I'd pick\nup\n\nthe pho-one. Where could I be?\nBelieve it or not, I'm not hooome.\"\n[beep]\n\n(GEORGE was grooving to it, pantomime-shrugging\nduring it, and remoting to another\nstation.)\n\nALLISON\n[on phone machine, peeved] George?\nAre you there?\n\n[muttering] I hate that stupid\nmessage.\n\n[terse] I know you're avoiding\nme, I'm at the office, please call\nme, I've gotta talk to you. [hangs\nup]\n\n[GEORGE dials a number.]\n\nGEORGE\n[to phone] Hi, Allison? Oh, I guess\nyou're not at home.. I probably\nshould 'ave tried you at the office.\nAnyway, good to hear\n\nfrom ya, really looking forward\nto the ball.. [hangs up and happily\nchuckles] Ha ha!\n\n[At JERRY's apartment, ELAINE's\njust arrived.]\n\nELAINE\nCan you believe this woman?\n\nJERRY\n[ironic outrage] The nerve. Talkin'\nabout ya behind your back--and\nright to your face!\n\nELAINE\nNo. \"Suze!\" I mean, \"Suzie!\" \"Suzanne!\"\n\"Suzanna.\" Fine! But there is no,\nway, I'm gonna be a Suze.\n\nJERRY\nNo. No Suze.\n\nELAINE\n[tense] I mean--what am I--some\npom-pom-wavin' Backseat Bimbo?!\n\nJERRY\nWho are you describin'?\n\nELAINE\nSomeone I know!\n\nJERRY\nNamed Suze?\n\nELAINE\nNo, still Sharon!\n\nKRAMER\n[comes in, subdued] Hey. [grabs\na water from refrigerator]\n\nJERRY\nHey, I thought you went to the\ngame.\n\nKRAMER\nNo. I was kicked out for fightin'\nwith one of the players. [leaving]\n\nJERRY\nWait. Way--way--way--way--way--way--wait!\nWho?!\n\nKRAMER\n[stops] W--Reggie Miller.\n\nELAINE\nCheryl Miller's brother?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. [leaving]\n\nJERRY\nHey--hey--hey--wait, wait, wait,\nwait! What happened!\n\nKRAMER\n[stops again] Well, first of all,\nfor some reason, they started the\ngame an hour Late. And uh, I was\nsittin' next to Spike Lee an'\n\nhe an' Reggie were jawin' at each\nother, so I guess I got involved.\n[leaving]\n\nELAINE\n[same time as JERRY] --Wait, whoa--whoa--whoa--whoa!--\n\nJERRY\nWell--wait--wait--wait--wait! What\ndo you mean \"involved\"?!\n\nKRAMER\n[stops again] Well I.. ran out\nonto the court an' threw a hotdog\nat Reggie Miller. \"Involved.\"\n\nAn' they threw meee, an' Reggie,\nan' Spike out o' the game.\n\nELAINE\nSo that's it?\n\nKRAMER\nWell I, well I, felt, pretty bad\nabout everything an' uh, then the\nthree of us, we went to a strip\nclub. [leaves]\n\nJERRY\nCan you believe that?\n\nELAINE\nI didn't know Cheryl Miller's brother\nplayed basketball.\n\nKRAMER\n[suddenly comes back, excited]\nThe Knicks killed 'em a hundred\nan' ten to seventy three!\n\nJERRY\nWhat--of course, without Reggie\nMiller, it's a blowout!\n\nKRAMER\nNo, Jerry--that's thirty-seven\npoints! The Knicks covered! You\nwon! See, that's a cooool-G, Daddy-O--now\nyou gotta let it\n\nriiiide!\n\nJERRY\nOn what?!\n\nKRAMER\n[real addict] Ah, come-on, Jerry--I\ndon't wanna lose this feeling.\nHey--let's go down to the O.T.B.\nWe'll put some money on\n\nthe ponies. [getting out pocket-watch]\n\nJERRY\nYeah, all right.\n\nKRAMER\n[looking at watch] Ssssh--ah! They\njust closed!\n\nJERRY\n[not] Oh. Too Bad.\n\n(3+1) a: daylight LS looking up\nat office building; 1: full shot\nof office; 2: MS on E; 3: MS on\nJ. Peterman; 2; 3; 2.\n\n[PETERMAN's office. ELAINE comes\nto the door.]\n\nELAINE\nMr. Peterman? You wanted to see\nme?\n\nPETERMAN\nApparently Peggy--down in Design?--got\ninto a liiiittle bit of a Tiff\nyesterday with somebody named,\n\"Susie\"?\n\nELAINE\nSu-sie?\n\nPETERMAN\nYes. Between you, me and the lamppost.\nAnd the desk.\n\nPeggy says this \"Suze\" isn't much\nof a Worker.\n\nELAINE\n[nit] It's Susie.\n\nPETERMAN\nNevertheless, Elaine. The House,\nof Peterman is in Disorder. First\nthing tomorrow morning I want to\nsee you, Peggy, and, Susie\n\nright here, in my office.\n\nELAINE\n[dismayed] Ah, all o'--all of us?\n\n[ALLISON's apartment. Someone's\nknocking on the door and she gets\nit. It's KRAMER.]\n\nKRAMER\nAllison. Hi. Uh--listen: I'm really\nsorry about what happened at the\ngame last night. Listen--could\nI have a ticket tonight--'cause\n\nthe Rockets are in town an' that,\nHakeem Olajuwon? Ohhh--he's got\na real attitude.\n\nALLISON\nKramer? Have you seen George, around?\nI can't get a hold of him.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah, yeah. Well, he--uh--visits\nthe guy across the hall from me\nlike every ten minutes.\n\nALLISON\nOh yeah?\n\n[On the street, JERRY is leisurely\nunloading his groceries from the\nback of his car.]\n\nJERRY\n[singing] Believe it or not, Geooorge\nisn't at home.\n\nMIKE\n[comes up] Hey. Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHey Mike.. How 'bout those Knicks?\n\nMIKE\n[a little anxious] Yeah! How 'bout\n'em? Ha ha. Look, Jerry. I can't\npay you.\n\nJERRY\nWhy not?\n\nMIKE\n'Cause I don't have the money..\n\nJERRY\nMike. You say you're a bookie?\nYou take a bet an' then you can't\npay? I don't know, Mike, to me\nit sounds a little, how you say..\n\"Phony\"?\n\nMIKE\nJust give me 'til Friday. Please.\nPlease!\n\nJERRY\nYou know, you're supposed to be\nthe Bookie. Act like one.\n\nMIKE\nI'm sorry. Uh--oh here--let me\ngive you a hand with that.\n\n[MIKE gets some groceries out.]\n\nJERRY\n[trying to shut the trunk hood]\nSomething wrong with this trunk.\n\nMIKE\nOh. Let me see.\n\n[As MIKE puts his hands there,\nJERRY, unaware, shuts the trunk\nagain! It happens very fast--MIKE's\nhands are slammed and he screams\nout in pain!]\n\n[The Pomodoro Restaurant is a dark\nromantic place, roses at the tables.\nGEORGE is sitting at a table with\nKRAMER.]\n\nGEORGE\nSo--ah, Kramer. Why'd you ask me\nout to dinner?\n\n[amused] An' why Pomodoro?\n\n[Just now, at one table in the\nbackground, a WOMAN is sad and\ndismayed, says, \"How could you\nsay that to me?\" She\n\ncries..]\n\nKRAMER\n[quiet, delicately] Allison spoke\nto me, and um. She wanted me to\nspeak to you.\n\nGEORGE\n[quiet] Uh-oh.\n\nKRAMER\nWe all know that this relationship\nisn't working. So Allison an' I\nthink that the best thing to do\nis just.. make a, clean break.\n\nGEORGE\nCan't we discuss this?\n\nKRAMER\n[reasoning] We just don't think\nyou're ready for a serious relationship!\n\nGEORGE\n[dismayed] I didn't even know you\nwanted to get serious!\n\nKRAMER\n[dismayed] So what am I in this\nfor?\n\nYou know, I'm getting to a point\nin my life where I need something\nmore than just.. a good time. [is\ntearing up]\n\nGEORGE\n[pause] Are you?\n\nKRAMER\nWha--me? No! No. But she is.\n\nGEORGE\nI, I can't believe this is happening!\n\nKRAMER\nGeorge, we're sorry.\n\n[breathes in, pause] We're through..\n\nGEORGE\nKrama. Please.\n\nKRAMER\n[leaves, upset] Waaa-aa--aa! I'm\nsorry--\n\n[TIME: 11:13]\n[Commercial Break]\n\n[PETERMAN and PEGGY are sitting\nin his office. There are two empy\nchairs. The window overlooks central\npark.]\n\nELAINE\n[entering, uneasy] Mr. Peterman,\nPeggy, I.. guess we, should just\nget this over with. [sits]\n\nPETERMAN\nJust Hold On a minute. Still One\nShort.\n\nELAINE\nOh.\n\nNo, we're not--\n\nPEGGY\nSusie has been very rude to me.\n\nPETERMAN\nWell, Elaine, has nothing but Good\nthings to say about Susie.\n\nELAINE\nLook.\n\n[engaging smile] We don't have\nto name names, or, point fingers,\nor..\n\n[breathes in] name names!\n\n[indicating empty chair] Me and\nher, have had our problems. She\nand I have had our problems! You\nand I, and she and you--\n\nPETERMAN\nDon't you drag me into this! This\nis between you and her, and her.\n[indicating empty chair]\n\nELAINE\nYes! And I am convinced that if\nshe were here with us today, she\nwould agree with me, too.\n\nPETERMAN\nWho.\n\nELAINE\n[uh-oh] Her?\n\nPETERMAN\nWhere is she?!\n\nELAINE\nAh--this is part of the problem!\n\nPEGGY\nIiii thought I was, part of this\nproblem.\n\nELAINE\n[smiling, convincing] You're a,\nhuuge part of the problem. But,\nI think that at it's core, this\nis a Susie-and-Elaine problem that\n\nrequires, a Susie-and-Elaine solution!\nAnd, who better to do that than..\nElaine and Susie! Susie and Elaine!\n\nPETERMAN\nWell, now that we have that cleared\nup.. why don't the three of us\nhave lunch.\n\nELAINE\n[feigning hearing something] What?!\nOh! Oh, I'm, coming! I--I gotta\ngo. [rushes out!]\n\nPETERMAN\nShe is The Best.\n\nWhat was your name again.\n\n[Jerry's. KRAMER and JERRY are\ntalking. JERRY's eating lunch at\nhis table.]\n\nKRAMER\nMike's outside. He wants to talk\nto you.\n\nJERRY\nWell why doesn't he just come in?\n\nKRAMER\nBecause he's scared, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nWhy is he scared.\n\nKRAMER\n[sighs, opens door] Come on in.\n\nDid you do this? [MIKE has two\nhand casts on]\n\nJERRY\nYeah, but--\n\nKRAMER\nUh--ah--ah! You broke his thumbs.\n\nJERRY\nIt was an accident.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, is that what you call it when,\nSomebody doesn't Pay Up?\n\nMIKE\n[desperate] I'll get you the money,\nJerry. I got a hundred dollars\nin my front pocket if you want\nto, reach in an' take it!\n\nJERRY\n[hands up] I don't want it that\nway.\n\nKRAMER\nNuh! Okay Jerry, how about if Mike\nfixes your truuunk, we call it\neven, an' this way, nobody has\nto get hurt.\n\nJERRY\n[whatever] Fine..\n\nMIKE\nOh--uh--thank you, Jerry, thank\nyou! I won't forget this, I'm gonna\nfix your trunk good--real good!\n\n[MIKE's very grateful, and leaves\nwith a two thumbs-up gesture. But\nhe also can't help giving a thumbs-up--that's\nthe position the casts hold his\nthumbs in. It's odd!]\n\nKRAMER\nSee that was nice, Jerry. [under\nbreath] Oh, by the way, I'm the\none who broke your trunk.\n\nJERRY\nAh, it's just a car.\n\n[GEORGE comes up (the door's still\nopen) and when he and KRAMER see\neach other, there's an awkward,\nlong pause. During the following,\nJERRY sits at the table silently\nwatching, intrigued.]\n\nGEORGE\nHi.\n\nKRAMER\n[looking down, nodding] Hi.\n\n[Another pause. It's like they\nbroke up--well they did, but they\ndidn't.]\n\nGEORGE\nIt's, funny runnin' into you here.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah..\n\nIt's funny.\n\nYou look good..\n\nGEORGE\n[embarrassed/self-conscious about\nhis gut] Do I? Thanks.. You too..\n\nKRAMER\nOoo, yeah.. [indicating his face,\nembarrassed] {Heh, right.}\n\nYou know, it's gettin' kind of\nlate, I, I really have to be going,\nso, uh, it's nice seeing you again,\nall right--\n\nGEORGE\n[sad] Yeah! Yeah. Hey--hey you,\nyou know.. Maybe I'll call you\nsometime.\n\nKRAMER\nGeorge, it's over. It's just..\nIt's Over. [leaves]\n\nGEORGE\n[pause] What do you think, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\n[wistful] I don't know, I just\nsee you guys together.\n\n[Outside it's raining. MIKE is\nworking on Jerry's trunk, trying\nto get at the locking mechanism\nbut it's hard with those casts\non.]\n\nMIKE\nThumbs!\n\n[He gets into the trunk for better\naccess. But it turns out KRAMER\nis getting into his car, parked\njust ahead of Jerry's, and he bumps\nJerry's car while backing up and\nthe trunk slams shut. It locked\nthis time!]\n\nMIKE\n[from inside the trunk] Oh!\n\nHelp!\n\nSomebody, help! Help!\n\n[That night, ELAINE and JERRY are\nin the car, talking. He's driving.]\n\nJERRY\nSo Peterman bought it? I can't\nbelieve you got away with that!\n\nELAINE\nWell, I'm very fortunate to be\nsurrounded by such stupidity.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I know how you feel.\n\n(Meanwhile, MIKE's yelping and\nbanging in the trunk!)\n\nELAINE\nDo you hear something?\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\n(Meanwhile, MIKE, in a now-hoarse\nvoice is shouting, \"Jerry?! Jerry?!\")\n\nJERRY\nOh, the trunk's broken, it's rattling.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, I don't know how much longer\nI can keep this up. They're starting\nto give Susie assignments now!\n\nJERRY\nWell, there's only one thing to\ndo. Eliminate her.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\n[firmly matter-of-fact] Get Rid\nof Susie. Make her disappear.\n\nELAINE\nI kinda like her.\n\nJERRY\nShe's Gooone.\n\nELAINE\n\nJERRY--\n\nJERRY\n[impatient] Gone! [starts maniacally\nlaughing]\n\n[briefly stops to point and explain]\nThat bumper sticker.\n\n[They BOTH scream, laughing! In\nthe trunk, MIKE has heard most\nof the conversation! The laughing\ncontinues!]\n\nMIKE\n[desperately anxious] Oh God, I'm\nin trouble..\n\n[At night, GEORGE is upset and\nknocking on Kramer's door.]\n\nGEORGE\nKrama. Open up! I--I know you're\nin there!\n\nKRAMER\n[opens door] Uh--George, uh--uh--it's\nfive o'clock in the morning, what's\nthe matter with you..\n\nGEORGE\n[sad] It's only four..\n\nKRAMER\nHuh?\n\nGEORGE\nI--I've been, walkin' around all\nnight.. I've been thinkin' about\nAllison and me.. an' you--\n\nKRAMER\nOh. Oh, George.\n\nGEORGE\nPlease. Give me another chance.\n\nKRAMER\n[regretfully] Uh.. I know I'm gonna\nregret this.\n\n[sigh] All right.\n\nGEORGE\n[grateful, relieved] Thank you!\n\nI'm gonna make you both so happy!\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, all right, I'll see\nya later. [shuts door]\n\nGEORGE\n[delighted!] Woooo!\n\n[The next day, ELAINE's passing\nby the door of PETERMAN's office.]\n\nPETERMAN\nElaine! Where's Susie? I want her\nto head up our new Fingerless Glove\nDivision.\n\nELAINE\n[quiet] Oh, but I thought I was\nin line for that assignment.\n\nPETERMAN\nMmmmm--nah.\n\nELAINE\nAll right, then, I was gonna wait,\nto tell ya this, but.. last night,\nSusie..\n\n[difficult subject, quiet] she\ntook her own Life..\n\n[PETERMAN grasps this, weepy in\ndisappointment, \"Oh!\". ELAINE comforts\nhim.]\n\n[Allison's apartment. KRAMER knocks\nand ALLISON gets it.]\n\nKRAMER\n[happy, enthused] We're takin'\nGeorge back--\n\nALLISON\nWhat?!\n\nKRAMER\nHe's gonna make us very happy.\n\n[ALLISON looks doubtful/disappointed.]\n\n[Inside, there are chairs lined\nup in rows, most are filled. There's\na podium on a riser, flowers everywhere.]\n\nELAINE\n[quiet] Look at this turnout.\n\nJERRY\n[quiet] Where did Susie find the\ntime to meet all these people..\n\nELAINE\n[irritated] Your funeral's not\ngonna come close to this.\n\n[They've found seats together in\nthe row in front of PEGGY, who\nlooks like she's seeing a ghost!]\n\nPEGGY\n[to herself] Oh my god!\n\n[quiet] Susie?\n\nELAINE\n[quiet] Oh, oh--ho--I'm not Susie..\nI'm Elaine.\n\nPEGGY\nBut I've been calling you Susie.\n\nELAINE\nOh! Hadn't noticed!\n\nExcuse me. [she's going to the\npodium]\n\nPEGGY\nI guess I never met Susie.\n\nJERRY\n[privately amused] Suze? I actually\nhad a little thing with her for\na while.\n\n[indicating ELAINE] Her too.\n\n[ELAINE's now at the podium.]\n\nELAINE\nWhat can you say about a girl like\nSusie? [she doesn't know..]\n\n[Meanwhile, out in the parking\nlot, PETERMAN arrives in his little\nred convertible (top down), distracted\nwith\n\ndisappointment/sadness. He parks\nbehind Jerry's car and bumps it.\nJerry's trunk has unlatched but\nnot popped open big.\n\nPETERMAN doesn't notice anything\nand goes in. Shortly after he passes,\nMIKE comes out of the trunk, squinting\nin the\n\ndaylight, his body is sore, he\nshuts the trunk.\n\nNearby, there's a small announcement\nsign (with stick-in white letters):\n\nTODAY'S\n\nSCHEDULE\n\nLIEBERMAN BARMITZVAH\n\n<--\n\nSUSIE'S MEMORIAL\n\n-->\n\n(APPROXIMATION)\n\nMIKE sees it and is alarmed! He's\nstill disoriented but hobbles away\nwith determination!]\n\n[Tavern on the Green, at dusk.\nThe Pinstripe Ball is starting.\nThe walls there are mahogany, and\nthere are short, decorative\n\ncolumns with flowers on top of\nthem. Everyone is in tuxedos and\ngowns, and the music is mellow\nand quiet. GEORGE is\n\nwaiting in a tux for Allison, but\nKRAMER arrives in his rather tight\ntux. They talk quietly.]\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nGEORGE\nWhere's uh, where's Allison..\n\nKRAMER\nOh, Allison, she didn't want to\ncome.\n\nGEORGE\nBut you took me back.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, yeah, I did, but she's a\ntough nut.\n\nHow d'ya like the tuxedo. It's\na rental but I've had it for fifteen\nyears.\n\nAll right, eh. [heading in]\n\nGEORGE\nWhere are you goin'..\n\nKRAMER\nThe Ball, silly.\n\nGEORGE\n[afraid not] No no, no no no. You're\nnot goin' in there.\n\nKRAMER\nGeorge. I thought you were gonna\nChange.\n\nGEORGE\n[impatient] For her. Not for you.\n\nKRAMER\n[light admonishing, under breath]\nLet's just try, an' have a nice\ntime for once, an' we'll talk about\nthis when we get home..\n\n[They start struggling quietly,\nKRAMER's trying to just walk by,\nand GEORGE is trying to restrain\nhim without attracting too\n\nmuch attention.]\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, look--wait--wait--Krama--wait,\nwait a minute, you are not. You\nare not goin' in. Ah-ahhh!\n\n[GEORGE had KRAMER in a slightly\nspinning hold--by holding the back\nof KRAMER's tux--but the material\ntore away, and\n\nthis sent KRAMER spinning into\nthe room with the back torn off\nhis tux! Strangely, this is well-received\nby WILHELM!]\n\nWILHELM\nWow! What an, Entrance!\n\n[friendly, to GEORGE] And eh, who\nmight this be?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I'm with him.\n\nWILHELM\nOh. Ah-ha..\n\n[Meanwhile at the Memorial, ELAINE\nis still at the podium. She has\nher chin in her hand while talking,\nweary of making up\n\nthings and of acting mournful.]\n\nELAINE\nAnd.. also, much like me, Susie\nhated going to the, Market.\n\nPETERMAN\nElaine! May I say a few words.\n\nELAINE\nOh, god, yes, Mr. Peterman. [steps\ndown]\n\nPETERMAN\n[steps up to the podium, refreshed]\nAhhh.\n\nI don't think I'll ever be able\nto forget Susie--ahhh. And most\nof all, I will never, forget that\none night. Working late on the\n\ncatalogue. Juuust the two of us.\nAnd we surrendered to temptation.\n\nAnd it was Pretty Good.\n\nJERRY\n[proud to PEGGY, under his breath]\nYeah, but he didn't sleep with\nboth of 'em. [winks]\n\n[ELAINE (who has returned to her\nseat) catches JERRY's eye. Though\nwe don't see her face, his drops\nand he sobers it up.]\n\nPETERMAN\nBut Iiii never heard her Cries\nfor Help. [sighs]\n\nAn' nowww.. Susie is gone.\n\nMIKE\n[running in, still hoarse, desperate!]\nHold on! Hol--on!\n\nSusie didn't commit suicide!\n\n[rushes up to podium!] She was\nMurdered, by Jerry, Sein-feld!\n\n[While MIKE's pointing at JERRY\nand everyone's looking, JERRY looks\nback at PEGGY again.]\n\nJERRY\n[smugly, under-his-breath] Not\nonly that, I broke his thumbs.\n\n[PEGGY and ELAINE look at him strangely\nas he grins during such an inappropriate\nmoment.]\n\n[After dark, PETERMAN and ELAINE\nare sitting and talking in his\noffice.]\n\nPETERMAN\nElaine? Guess what. I've decided\nto Form a Charitable Foundation,\nin Susie's honor. And as Susie's\nbest friend, I want you to\n\nbe involved.\n\nELAINE\nMr. Peterman..\n\n[leaning forward, whispering] I'm\nSusie.. She's me..\n\nPETERMAN\n[leans forward, whispers carefully]\nI feel the same way.\n\n[announcing] And that's why this\nfoundation will meet around Your\nSchedule. Nights! Weekends! Every,\nFree Moment you\n\nhave. [leaving, pats her shoulders\nconfidently]\n\nELAINE\n[looks up, screaming in frustration!]\nSuuuuuuuuuuze!\n\n[(During her screaming up to the\nair, the camera was over her, looking\ndown, and turning around and around,\njust like it had\n\nwhen GEORGE found out that he was\ngoing to be running a foundation\nin honor of Susan!)]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Pothole.html",
    "text": "THE POTHOLE\n\nWritten by\n\nSteve O'Donnell & Dan O'Keefe\n\n(Bathroom)\n\nJerry is standing by the sink, preparing to brush his teeth.\nJenna (his latest ladyfriend) enters.\n\nJENNA\nMorning.\n\nJERRY\nMorning.\n\nShe hands him a tube of toothpaste.\n\nJENNA\nHope you don't mind baking soda flavour.\n\nJERRY\n(applying paste to brush) Ah, baking\nsoda. Annoying little product. 'I\n\ncan do this. I can do that.' Why doesn't this stuff just shut\nup?\n\nJENNA\nI'm gonna grab you a towel.\n\nJenna leaves the bathroom. Jerry brushes his teeth. He clearly\ndoesn't like the\n\ntaste of the baking soda, and leans over the sink to spit. He\nputs his hand on\n\nthe counter and knocks Jenna's toothbrush off the edge. The brush\nfalls into the\n\ntoilet bowl.\n\nThere is a shot from beneath the water in the toilet, looking\nup. Jerry's face\n\nlooking down into the bowl, with an expression of shock and horror.\n\nJerry looks behind him, to see if Jenna has spotted him. He rolls\nup the sleeve\n\nof his dressing gown, grimaces, and plunges his hand into the\ntoilet. He grabs\n\nthe brush out, drops it on a shelf beside the mirror and immediately\nbegins\n\nfrantically washing his hands. As he completes this task, he\nraises his head and\n\nfinds Jenna has returned. She is standing behind him, smiling\nas she brushes her\n\nteeth with the brush he just retrieved from the toilet.\n\nJERRY\nOoh-ooh\n\n(Monk's)\n\nJerry and George in a booth, as per usual.\n\nGEORGE\nSo?\n\nJERRY\nSo? She used the toothbrush!\n\nGEORGE\nYou said you grabbed it outta there\nreal fast, right?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nSo I'm sure whatever germs it landed\non were knocked out, and by the\n\ntime the rest of them realised what was going on, you had already\ngrabbed it\n\nout.\n\nJERRY\nHow many years of med school did you\nhave?\n\nGEORGE\nWas she mad?\n\nJerry says nothing, but pulls a face.\n\nGEORGE\nYou didn't tell her.\n\nJERRY\nJenna's like me. She's very... (searches\nfor word)\n\nGEORGE\nFinicky? Prissy? Fastidious?\n\nJERRY\nI'll take fastidious.\n\nGeorge puts his keys on the table. On the ring is a miniature\nhead, clearly a\n\ncaricature of someone.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is that?\n\nGEORGE\nAhh, Steinbrenner gave 'em to us, in\nhonour of Phil Rizzuto being\n\ninducted into the Hall of Fame.\n\nHe squeezes the miniature head.\n\nHEAD\nHoly cow!\n\nJERRY\nThey don't actually have to squeeze\nhis head to get him to say 'holy\n\ncow', do they?\n\nGEORGE\nJust the last few innings of a double-header.\n\nKramer enters. He is carrying a battered sewing machine. He comes\nover.\n\nKRAMER\nHey. Look at this. I'm in the passing\nlane of the Arthur Berkhardt\n\nexpressway, going seventy and (makes impact sound - pckergh!)\nDragged this thing\n\nfor five exits.\n\nHe dumps the machine on the table and sits beside Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nWhy didn't you pull over?\n\nKRAMER\nWell I was draughting behind a semi.\nI didn't wanna lose him. The\n\ninfrastructure, Jerry, it's crumbling.\n\nGeorge squeezes the miniature head.\n\nHEAD\nHoly cow!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, look at that. A talking Nixon.\n\n(Elaine's Apartment/Chinese Restaurant)\n\nElaine is calling for Chinese food. The scene flicks from her\nat home with the\n\nphone and a menu, to the restaurant owner taking the order.\n\nOWNER\nChina Panda.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I'd like to place an order.\n\nOWNER\nAh yes, what you like?\n\nELAINE\nThis Supreme Flounder, it says first\ntime served in America. Is that\n\ntrue?\n\nOWNER\nWhat number?\n\nELAINE\nForty-seven.\n\nOWNER\nYeah, first time. What else?\n\nELAINE\nUh, that's it.\n\nOWNER\nAddress?\n\nELAINE\nSeventy-eight, West Eighty-sixth Street.\nApartment three E.\n\nOWNER\nThat's southside. Sorry, we don't deliver\nbelow Eighty-sixth.\n\nELAINE\nI'm not below.\n\nOWNER\nYes you are. Street itself is boundary.\n\nELAINE\nYour guy can't cross to my side?\n\nOWNER\nIf we deliver to you, then what? Eighty-fifth\nStreet, Wall Street,\n\nMexico, Eighty-fourth Street.\n\nELAINE\nAlright, fine. I'll just cross and meet\nhim.\n\nOWNER\nSorry, food only for those who live\nwithin boundary. (slams down phone)\n\nElaine listens to the dial tone for a second. Then she pushes\nthe redial.\n\nOWNER\n(picks up phone) China Panda.\n\nELAINE\n(using silly voice) Uh, yeah yeah. I'd\nlike to place an order.\n\nOWNER\nAh, what you like?\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nKramer enters. He's smoking a substantial cigar.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I'm a poppa.\n\nJERRY\nBring it on. Nothing's throwing me at\nthis point.\n\nKRAMER\n(handing Jerry a cigar) Well, as of\ntoday I am a proud parent of a\n\none-mile stretch of the Arthur Berkhardt Expressway.\n\nJERRY\nOh, that adopt-a-highway thing.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I'm part of the solution now Jerry.\nYeah, I went down there and I\n\nchecked it out this morning. Here, take a look. Mile one-fourteen.\n\nHe gets his wallet from his back pocket and shows Jerry a Polaroid\nsnapshot in\n\nit.\n\nJERRY\nAw, looks just like you.\n\nKRAMER\nAw, I'm beaming Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nSo what d'you have to do? Pay to keep\nit clean?\n\nKRAMER\nThey try to push you into using their\ncleaning crew, with all their\n\nso-called maintenance equipment.\n\nJERRY\nThat old scam.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well that's why I'm doing it all\nmyself. This parenting isn't\n\nabout delegating responsibility, it's about being there.\n\nJERRY\nAt the side of the road, with a pile\nof garbage.\n\nKRAMER\nQuality time.\n\nGeorge enters looking anxious, maybe borderline panicky. He stalks\nabout the\n\nplace, looking for something, frustratedly.\n\nGEORGE\nKeys. I can't find my keys.\n\nJERRY\nYou lost Phil Rizzuto's head?!\n\nGEORGE\nHave you seen 'em?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nDammit!\n\nKRAMER\nC'mon, retrace your steps. What d'you\ndo today?\n\nGEORGE\nI got up, I was supposed to go to work,\nI came here instead.\n\nKRAMER\nRight.\n\nJERRY\nWell, they're not here. You'll have\nto dig up your spare set.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't have a spare set. All my keys\nsay 'do not duplicate'.\n\nJERRY\nSo?\n\nGEORGE\nSo you can't duplicate 'em.\n\nAt this, Jerry and Kramer exchange a look, and laugh.\n\nKRAMER\nSure you can. (to Jerry) Such a sweet\nkid.\n\n(Street)\n\nElaine stands on the sidewalk, waiting for someone. She looks\nup the street and\n\nsees a Chinese delivery boy approaching with a bag of food. She\nducks into the\n\nentranceway to the apartment building behind her, and then effects\nto be coming\n\nout of the building as the delivery boy gets there.\n\nELAINE\nOh. Oh, hi. China Panda?\n\nDELIVERY BOY\n(suspicious) Why you waiting on the\nstreet and not in your\n\napartment?\n\nELAINE\nI... thought that I would meet you halfway.\n\nShe takes the bag of food.\n\nDELIVERY BOY\nYou really live here?\n\nELAINE\nOh yeah. (handing over money) There\nyou go, keep the change. Bye now.\n\nI'll see you.\n\nElaine walks back towards the door to the building. She expects\nthe boy to\n\nleave, but he's still suspicious, and waits. Elaine tries the\ndoor, but it's\n\nlocked. She looks, and the boy still waits. Elaine tries the\ndoor harder, but it\n\nwon't yield. She admits defeat and hands the food back, and receives\nher money.\n\nThe delivery boy walks off.\n\nELAINE\n(at the boy's back) This isn't fair.\nThis is address discrimination!\n\n(Another Street)\n\nGeorge is standing outside a store, looking preoccupied. Jerry\nemerges from the\n\nstore with a carrier bag full of stuff.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I cleaned out their whole dental\nhygiene shelf.\n\nGEORGE\nSo the plan is to secretly sterilise\nher mouth?\n\nThey begin to walk along the street.\n\nJERRY\nBy the time I'm through with her mouth,\nshe'll be able to eat off it. Is\n\nit safe to drink bleach if you dilute it?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, stings the throat. Anyway, so I\nwas coming along here, and I felt\n\nlike a piece of cake, you know? But then I thought, it's morning,\nI should\n\nreally have a muffin. I like those chocolate chip ones. Then\nI figured, well,\n\nthey're really both cake. So I, uh, I sat on that bench for a\nlittle while,\n\ntwenty minutes or an hour, and then I figured, check and see\nwhat you were up\n\nto. (a thought occurs to him) Wait a minute, wait a minute. The\nbroad jump! The\n\nbroad jump over the pothole on Eighty-sixth Street!\n\nGeorge dashes off excitedly. Jerry follows, with somewhat less\nenthusiasm.\n\n(Eighty-sixth Street)\n\nGeorge is still animatedly leading Jerry along in pursuit of\nhis keys.\n\nGEORGE\nNow I remember, as I jumped over the\nhole I heard a, like a jingling\n\nsound.\n\nJERRY\nYou didn't look down?\n\nGEORGE\nI was trying to stick the landing. (indistinct)\n...was right around\n\nhere.\n\nHe peers about at the road surface for the pothole. He finds\na patch of fresh\n\ntarmac.\n\nGEORGE\nNo! No!!\n\nA car drives by, running right over the patch.\n\nHEAD\nHoly, Holy Cow!\n\nJERRY\nPoor son of a bitch.\n\n(Jenna's Apartment)\n\nJenna is at the sink in her bathroom, using an electric toothbrush\nwhich Jerry\n\nhas bought her. It's loud.\n\nJERRY\nIt's a hundred thousand revolutions\na second. It's the most powerful one\n\nthey make.\n\nJENNA\nIt's like I'm holding a blender.\n\nJERRY\nThe engine's made by McDonnell-Douglas.\n\nJerry begins to wander into the living room. Jenna switches off\nthe brush.\n\nJERRY\nOh no, you keep going. It shuts off\nautomatically.\n\nJENNA\n(restarting and reapplying the brush)\nReally, it does?\n\nJERRY\n(unheard by Jenna) When the battery\nruns out.\n\nJENNA\n(shouting to Jerry) I was really happy\nwith my old toothbrush.\n\nIn the living room, Jerry is carefully putting the old brush\ninto a plastic bag,\n\nbeing very careful not to touch it with his bare skin. He then\nseals the bag.\n\nJERRY\nNo, trust me, that one was doing more\nharm than good. Don't forget to use\n\nthe Plax too.\n\nJenna takes a sip from a glass as if to gargle.\n\nJENNA\nThat stuff tastes like bleach!\n\nJerry is looking for a place to put the soiled brush.\n\nJERRY\nI don't know anything about that.\n\nJust before Jenna emerges from the bathroom, Jerry throws the\nbag with the brush\n\nout of the window.\n\nJENNA\nMmm. My mouth feels so clean.\n\nJERRY\nThat's the idea.\n\nJenna approaches Jerry, clearly intending to kiss him. As Jenna\nleans toward\n\nhim, Jerry gets a flashback of the toothbrush plunging into the\ntoilet bowl, in\n\nblack and white, with portentous music. From his viewpoint, we\nsee Jenna's lips\n\nlooming toward him. He looks nauseated by the prospect of the\nkiss, and pulls\n\naway.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, maybe we better not. I, I\nthink I'm getting a little cold. I\n\ndon't wanna give you any of my germs.\n\nJENNA\nAww. Okay. Thanks, I guess.\n\n(Jerry's Car)\n\nJerry driving with Elaine in the passenger seat.\n\nELAINE\nYou still couldn't kiss her?\n\nJERRY\nShe has a taint. I can't see it, but\nI know it's there.\n\nELAINE\nOh, so now you're finding fault on a\nsub-atomic level.\n\nJERRY\nMaybe if I could shrink myself down,\nlike in Fantastic Voyage, and get\n\ninside a microscopic submarine, I could be sure. Although if\nthere was something\n\nthere, it might be pretty scary. Course, I would have that laser.\n\nELAINE\nJer, do you see where this is going?\n\nJERRY\nBeing really clean and happy?\n\nELAINE\nJerry, you have tendencies. They're\nalways annoying, but they were just\n\ntendencies. But now, if you can't kiss this girl, I'm afraid\nwe're talking\n\ndisorder.\n\nJERRY\nDisorder?\n\nELAINE\nAnd from disorder, you're a quirk or\ntwo away from full-on dementia.\n\nJERRY\n(thoughtful) Hmm, that could hurt me.\n(pointing out of window) Hey, there\n\nit is.\n\nWe see Jerry and Elaine's view of the road signs. 'Mile 114'\n'Adopt-a-Highway'\n\nand 'Litter removal next 1 Mile KRAMER'.\n\nELAINE\nShall we stop and say hi?\n\nJERRY\nNah, we've seen it.\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\n(Mile 114)\n\nKramer is standing on the verge beside a large pile of plastic\nbags full of\n\ntrash, a couple of brooms lean against the crash barrier. He\nhas an armful of\n\nassorted garbage. Jerry's car passes in the traffic, and a brief\nbeep of the\n\nhorn is heard.\n\nKRAMER\n(shouting after car) Hey Jerry! Yeah,\nI'll see you back at the house!\n\nHe drops the last handful of trash into a bag.\n\nKRAMER\nMile one-fourteen, clean as a whistle.\n\nHe claps his hands in satisfaction, and looks out at 'his' road.\nHe notices\n\nsomething. In the middle of the road is a Coke can, crushed by\ntraffic.\n\nKramer makes a decision, and dashes out into the traffic to retrieve\nthe can.\n\nHis progress to the can is accompanied by the squeal of brakes\nand the blare of\n\nhorns as the traffic passes him. As he reaches the can, one car\nhas to come to a\n\ncomplete stop. Kramer grabs the can and hurries back to the side\nof the road,\n\nwhere he leans on the barrier.\n\n(Apartment Building)\n\nElaine is in the hallway of a building, outside Apartment 1A.\nShe knocks at the\n\ndoor and a guy opens it.\n\nMAN\nYeah?\n\nELAINE\nHi. I'm your neighbour, uh, fr... from\nacross the street. And uh,\n\n(coughs nervously) I was wondering, if it wouldn't be too much\ntrouble, if I\n\ncould use your apartment to order some food?\n\nMAN\nWha? What d'you want?\n\nELAINE\nYou see, there's this certain flounder\nand they won't deliver it to my\n\nside of the street.\n\nMAN\nWh, when is that?\n\nELAINE\nNo, I just need them to deliver it here\nand I have to be kinda inside is\n\nall.\n\nMAN\nWho are you with?\n\nELAINE\nNo, actually I'm... I'm just kind of\nhungry.\n\nMAN\nWho let you in?\n\nELAINE\nWell, the lock was broken. You just\nhave to jiggle it, actually. But, I\n\njust need like a half an hour to an hour.\n\nThe man shuts the door in her face.\n\nElaine turns to leave, and as she does she sees an unmarked door\nopposite which\n\nstands open. She crosses over for a closer look. It's clearly\na janitor's\n\ncloset, with the usual fixings. A thought occurs to Elaine, and\na smile comes to\n\nher face.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry has just entered and is removing his coat. Kramer is in\nthe kitchen\n\ncleaning highway signs in the sink.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's with the signs?\n\nKRAMER\nHey, you should see the Berkhardt, Jerry.\nMy mile is spotless. I mean\n\nthe big stuff was easy. Cinderblocks, air-conditioners, shopping\ncarts (makes\n\nsound - fzup!), I just rolled 'em into the woods.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, that stuff's all natural anyway.\n\nKRAMER\n(holding up a sign) Speed limit, one\nhundred and sixty-five miles per\n\nhour. See? They slipped a one in there. (laughing) Those kids\nwith the spray\n\npaint, God love 'em.\n\nGeorge enters.\n\nJERRY\nHey. So, keys?\n\nGEORGE\nNo keys. And I been calling the city\nall day. Course there's not really\n\na number to call if you wanna make a pothole.\n\nJERRY\nI guess they leave that up to the general\npopulation.\n\nGEORGE\nI tell you this. If the real Phil Rizzuto\nwas down there, this wouldn't\n\nbe happening!\n\nJERRY\nHard to say.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, you need some roadwork done? 'Cos\nI met some maintenance guys today\n\non the highway, they could probably help you out.\n\nGEORGE\nReally?\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah, yeah. I borrowed some cones\nfrom them when I was sweeping my\n\ncar-pool lane.\n\nThe buzzer buzzes.\n\nJERRY\nYeah?\n\nJENNA\nIt's Jenna.\n\nJerry buzzes Jenna in, opens the door and indicates to George\nand Kramer that\n\ntheir presence is no longer required.\n\nJERRY\nIf you guys wouldn't mind, I would like\nto ward off dementia.\n\nGeorge and Kramer leave, still discussing the maintenance guys.\n\nGEORGE\nYou think you could hook me up with\nthese guys?\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah, yeah. Give me a ring tomorrow.\nI'm gonna be at emergency\n\ncallbox seven-eight-four.\n\nGEORGE\nSeven-eight-four.\n\nJenna enters.\n\nJENNA\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHi.\n\nJENNA\nHow you feeling?\n\nJERRY\nGood. My cold's gone, and I've been\nlooking forwards to kissing you,\n\nwhich I'm ready to do now, if you are ready.\n\nJenna moves in for the kiss. As she leans towards Jerry, he gets\nthat revolted\n\nlook on his again and turns his face away.\n\nJENNA\nWhat?!\n\nJERRY\nNothing. I just, I uh, I bruised my\nlip. I was drinking a Celray, and I\n\nbrought it up too fast and I banged it into my lip, (lower voice\nand hurriedly)\n\nand then I knocked your toothbrush into the toilet and I wasn't\nable to tell you\n\nbefore you could use it.\n\nJENNA\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nI'm sorry.\n\nJENNA\nWhen were you gonna tell me this?!\n\nJERRY\nObviously never.\n\nThe door opens and Kramer enters.\n\nKRAMER\nI need the yield sign.\n\nKramer goes and begins to gather the signs from the kitchen.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, I'm kind of in the middle of\nsomething. Would you get these signs\n\nout of here, please?\n\nKramer brings his signs from the kitchen and Jerry picks up those\nwhich were on\n\nhis table. Together they carry them across the hall to Kramer's\napartment.\n\nKRAMER\nYou could've introduced me.\n\nJERRY\nI wouldn't know where to start.\n\nAs Jerry is about to return to his apartment, the door is slammed\nshut. He tries\n\nto open it, but it has been locked.\n\nJERRY\n(knocking) Hey, Jenna. Hey!\n\nJenna opens the door, she has her jacket in her hand and is ready\nto leave.\n\nJENNA\nThere. Now something of yours has been\nin the toilet.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?! Wha... what'd you put in there?\n\nJENNA\nGotta run.\n\nJenna departs, leaving Jerry looking around him. He's wide-eyed,\nlooking panicky\n\nand disgusted.\n\nJERRY\nOh, man!\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry is on the phone. His table is covered with bottles of cleaning\nfluids,\n\ndisinfectants, etc.. He is wearing a rubber glove to hold a spatula.\nElaine is\n\neating an apple and watching him.\n\nJERRY\n(into phone) Hello, Jenna, did you dunk\nthe spatula? Was it the spatula?\n\nHello? Dammit!\n\nFrustrated, he throws the spatula into the waste bin.\n\nELAINE\nShe won't even give you a hint?\n\nJERRY\nNo. Could be anything. The whole apartment's\na biohazard.\n\nELAINE\nYou know what I bet it is? (points)\nYour remote.\n\nJERRY\nYes, that is a definite possibility.\n\nHe picks up the remote control and drops it into a waste bin.\n\nELAINE\n(walking to the couch) Or, could be\nyour walkman there.\n\nJerry picks up the walkman and begins to deposit it in the trash,\nthen a thought\n\noccurs to him. Elaine sits on the couch and picks up the phone.\n\nJERRY\nAre you just screwing with me?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I am.\n\nJerry thinks for a second, then he throws the walkman in the\ngarbage anyway.\n\nKramer enters carrying a box.\n\nKRAMER\nHey ah.\n\nJERRY\nHey, how's life on the road?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I'm making a difference Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nI don't doubt it.\n\nKramer puts his box on the kitchen counter.\n\nKRAMER\nYou should see the smiles on the drivers'\nfaces. I mean, you gotta look\n\nquick, but they're there.\n\nFrom the box, Kramer picks up square orange reflective objects.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's this?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you know, those annoying little\nbumps on the lane-lines? (makes\n\nnoise - bum, bum, bum, bum, bump)\n\nJERRY\nIsn't that some kind of safety thing?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I had to pull 'em up if I'm gonna\nwiden the lanes.\n\nJERRY\nWhat the hell are you talking about?\n\nKRAMER\nAh, you know how in planes they got\nfirst class? More leg room, better\n\nride? Well, I'm bringing that concept to mile one-fourteen.\n\nElaine has the receiver from the phone held to her ear.\n\nELAINE\nHow are you gonna widen the lanes?\n\nKRAMER\nWell you black out lane-lines one and\nthree, and a four-lane highway\n\nbecomes a two-lane comfort cruise. (to Jerry) So, you got any\nblack paint?\n\nJERRY\n(sarcasm) Yeah, in my toolshed, next\nto the riding mower.\n\nELAINE\n(into phone) Yuh, I'd like an order\nof supreme flounder, number\n\nforty-seven. Yeah, apartment one-Q.\n\nJERRY\nOne-Q? Whose apartment is that?\n\nELAINE\nThat's the janitor closet, across the\nstreet.\n\nJERRY\nYou're pretending to live in a janitor's\ncloset, just to get this\n\nflounder?\n\nELAINE\nIt's better than eating it alone in\nthe restaurant, like some loser.\n\nKramer is applying something from Jerry's table of cleaning fluids,\netc, to his\n\nneck, like a cologne.\n\nKRAMER\nThat stuff is unbelievable. I'd eat\nit out of a dumpster.\n\nELAINE\n(heading to door) How do you know about\nit? You're not in the delivery\n\nzone.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, Newman uses his mail truck to\nrun fish for China Panda on the\n\nweekends.\n\nELAINE\nWell, mine's coming in ten, so... see\nyou boys.\n\nElaine leaves.\n\nKRAMER\nNow, where's that tool shed of yours?\n\n(Apartment Building)\n\nThe delivery boy from China Panda in the hallway. He knocks at\nthe door to the\n\njanitor's closet. He looks at the label on the door, which is\na piece of tape\n\nwith '1Q' crudely written in magic marker. He waits for a couple\nof seconds then\n\nknocks again. Elaine opens the door, with a towel wrapped around\nher head, as if\n\nher hair is wet.\n\nELAINE\nHi. Sorry, I didn't hear you. I was\nin the shower.\n\nShe takes the bag with her order and hands over some money. The\ndelivery boy is\n\ntrying to see past her into the 'apartment'.\n\nELAINE\nI'll see you.\n\nShe shuts the door, leaving the delivery boy looking a tad bemused.\n\n(Eighty-sixth Street)\n\nGeorge stands by the filled pothole. A highway maintenance truck\nis parked next\n\nto it. A trio of workers approach George, and the senior man\nspeaks.\n\nRALPH\nYou Costanza?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. Thanks for, thanks for coming\nby fellas. Eh, got a set of keys,\n\nburied in the pothole.\n\nRALPH\nWhat're the keys doing in there?\n\nGEORGE\nJust need to uh, to dig 'em up.\n\nRALPH\nYou put 'em in there?\n\nGEORGE\nNah, nah, it's uh, it's a long story.\nJust uh, try to get it up.\n\nRALPH\nBad place to put your keys.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, I know that. (clears throat) Could\nyou start, working?\n\nRALPH\nDifficult job. You want those keys,\nwe're gonna have to dig this up.\n\nGEORGE\n(penny drops) Oh, uh, wait a minute,\nwait a minute. (snorts) Is this\n\nabout money?\n\nRALPH\nYeah. (snorts) It's about money.\n\n(Mile 114)\n\nKramer is driving his car slowly along the Expressway. On either\nside of his\n\nboot is balanced an orange road cone. The traffic is passing\nhim, and the blare\n\nof horns is regularly heard.\n\nKramer opens the driver side door. He picks up a paint roller,\nand loads it with\n\nblack paint from a tray on the passenger seat. Then he leans\nout of the door and\n\nrolls the paint over the lane markers, still steering the car\nwith his other\n\nhand.\n\n(Apartment Building)\n\nElaine emerges from the janitor's closet. She's wiping her lips,\nfollowing the\n\nflounder repast. As she does so, a woman walking along the hall\nnotices her.\n\nMRS ALLISTER\n'Scuse me, what are you doing in there?\n\nELAINE\nUhm, nothing. I was just uhm... I wasn't\nin there.\n\nMRS ALLISTER\nYou were hanging around in there, lazing\non the job. When you\n\nshoulda been downstairs in the basement, cleaning out those old\ncarpets and\n\nscrap wood.\n\nELAINE\nRight, because... I'm the janitor. (picks\nteeth with fingernail)\n\nMRS ALLISTER\nDon't get smart with me.\n\nELAINE\n(meek) Yes ma'am.\n\n(Kramer's Apartment)\n\nKramer is in bed. His alarm goes off, and the radio comes on\nin the middle of\n\nthe traffic report. Kramer wakes up and listens.\n\nRADIO\nHey, and if you're heading north on\nthe Arthur Berkhardt, whoah Nelly,\n\nfor some reason four lanes are converging into two, instantaneously\nright at\n\nmile-marker one-fourteen. I don't know what that is, but the\nA-B's a parking lot\n\nout there. Somebody screwed up on that one.\n\nBy the end of the report, Kramer looks slightly worried.\n\n(Janitor's Closet)\n\nElaine stands waiting in the closet. There's the usual paraphernalia\n- buckets,\n\nbrooms, cleaning materials, stepladder, boxes, etc.. There's\na knock at the\n\ndoor. Elaine opens it to find Jerry.\n\nELAINE\nOh it's you.\n\nJERRY\nIs the flounder here yet?\n\nELAINE\nNo, it's not here yet. You want the\ntour?\n\nJerry enters, and Elaine closes the door.\n\nELAINE\n(gesturing) There's this.\n\nJERRY\nNice. French doors'd really open this\nplace up. Oh, but you have a\n\nslop-bucket.\n\nThere's another knock at the door.\n\nELAINE\n(gleeful) The fish!\n\nShe opens the door to find George. He's wearing a tartan workshirt.\n\nELAINE\nAh, what're you doing here?\n\nGEORGE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nGeorge joins Jerry and Elaine in the closet. It's getting a bit\ncramped.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, I was uh, I was waiting downstairs\nfor the jackhammer, thought I'd\n\ndrop by.\n\nJERRY\nKramer's guys?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. I got 'em down to fifty bucks.\nI just have to do all the\n\njackhammering myself.\n\nJERRY\nOh that's nice, kind of a hard-labour\nfantasy camp.\n\nThe door is pushed open from the outside. It thumps into George\nwho is pushed\n\ninto Elaine, who stumbles into Jerry.\n\nGEORGE\nOw!\n\nELAINE\nUh, man!\n\nKramer enters the now crowded closet.\n\nKRAMER\nHuh, yeah. (looks round) Oh, sweet setup.\nElaine, d'you have any paint\n\nthinner? I need like uh, forty gallons.\n\nELAINE\nI'm plumb out.\n\nKRAMER\nOh man, if I don't get that black paint\noff the City's gonna go ape. I\n\ndon't wanna lose my baby!\n\nThere's yet another knock at the door. More strident.\n\nMRS ALLISTER\nJanitor?\n\nELAINE\n(to the guys) Uh, Mrs Allister. (louder)\nYeah, uh, just coming Mrs\n\nAllister. (to guys) Okay, I've gotta get out.\n\nElaine struggle to squeeze past George, and then Kramer to reach\nthe door. The\n\nshe has to make room to swing the door inwards.\n\nELAINE\nHere, can you move, you gotta move from\nthe door.\n\nShe succeeds in squeezing out, and stumbles into the hallway.\nThe crush behind\n\nher slams the door shut.\n\nELAINE\nHi, I uhm... What can I do for you?\n\nMRS ALLISTER\nI told you yesterday to haul that trash\noutta the basement.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I am so sorry.\n\nMRS ALLISTER\nSome of the children have been playing\nnear it and putting it in\n\ntheir mouths.\n\nELAINE\nWell, a lot of it is vegetable...\n\nIn the closet, the guys are struggling together with equipment\nand supplies in\n\nthe cramped space. The thumps of their movements can be heard\nin the hallway.\n\nMRS ALLISTER\nGet that stuff outta there today, or\nyou'll be outta here.\n\nUnderstand?\n\nELAINE\n(meekly) Yes ma'am.\n\nThe janitor's closet door opens and the guys stumble out.\n\nGEORGE\n...stop pushing. (to Elaine) Kramer\nspilled ammonia.\n\nJERRY\nI don't feel like eating.\n\nKRAMER\n(holding up a set of heavy chains) I'm\ngonna borrow this, huh?\n\nELAINE\n(to Mrs Allister) Janitor's meeting.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJenna enters and sits, Jerry closes the door behind her. It is\nclear that Jerry\n\nhas gone overboard in his efforts to dispose of whatever was\ncontaminated - his\n\nkitchen shelves are bare, and most other surfaces are free of\nthe usual\n\nknick-knacks.\n\nJENNA\nSo Jerry, why'd you call me?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I thought it's about time we put\naside all this silliness. I know\n\nnow you didn't put anything in my toilet bowl. (pause) Did you?\n\nJENNA\nYes, I did.\n\nJERRY\nWell, whatever. So, how've you been?\n\nJENNA\nGood.\n\nJERRY\nGood. (pause) Steak knife?\n\nJENNA\nJust eating away at you isn't it?\n\nJERRY\nNah.\n\nThe door opens and Elaine enters.\n\nELAINE\nHi.\n\nJENNA\nHi.\n\nJERRY\nHi.\n\nELAINE\nHi. Jerry, can I borrow your car?\n\nJERRY\nFor what?\n\nELAINE\nI have to haul some dirty garbage to\nthe dump.\n\nJERRY\nDirt? That's alright, (for Jenna's benefit)\nbecause there's nothing wrong\n\nwith dirt.\n\nELAINE\nWell, actually it's pretty grimy.\n\nJERRY\nGrime, grease, filth, funk, ooze. Whatever\nit is, you take that stuff and\n\nput it right on my leather upholstery.\n\nHe hands the keys to Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nWell, I don't know who you are, but\nthanks for the car.\n\nJERRY\nSure. Bye.\n\nELAINE\nBye.\n\nJENNA\nBye.\n\nELAINE\nBye.\n\nElaine leaves.\n\nJERRY\nThere, you see? I just leant her my\ncar, and she's gonna fill it with all\n\nsorts of... (he cracks) Alright! You win! That car was my last\ngerm-free\n\nsanctuary. I slept there last night! Now, for the love of God,\nplease, what is\n\nit? What is it?!\n\nJENNA\nToilet brush.\n\nJERRY\nToilet brush, oh (he pulls a 'Damn,\nshoulda guessed!' face). Alright, I\n\ncan replace that.\n\nJENNA\nYou wanna order dinner?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Let's uh, go to your place. Because\nI, threw out all my dishes.\n\n(Eighty-sixth Street)\n\nElaine strides along the sidewalk looking very blue-collar in\noveralls and cap,\n\ngrimy face, etc. She has some old carpet slung over one shoulder\nand some paint\n\ncans in her hand. A jackhammer can be heard. As she walks along,\nshe passes\n\nGeorge who is holding the jackhammer. She nods acknowledgment\nand he touches the\n\npeak of his hardhat. George gives the pothole a burst from the\njackhammer.\n\n(Street)\n\nKramer struggles to lift a forty-gallon drum into the boot of\nhis car. He\n\neventually heaves it in.\n\n(Jenna's Apartment)\n\nJerry and Jenna, sitting on the couch, eating and conversing\n(looks like Chinese\n\nfood).\n\nJERRY\nThat's true.\n\nJENNA\nMm.\n\nJERRY\nBut, I'll tell you this much. I am never\ngoing to let some silly hygienic\n\nmishap get in the way of, what could be, a meaningful, long-lasting\n\nrelationship.\n\n(Eighty-sixth Street)\n\nGeorge is giving the street a long burst from the jackhammer.\nSuddenly, there is\n\na clang. George stops hammering, and listens. There is a deep\nrumbling sound,\n\nfrom beneath his feet, which seems to be getting louder. He looks\naround for the\n\nsource of the noise.\n\n(Jenna's Apartment)\n\nJenna and Jerry are still eating on the couch. The rumbling noise\ncan be heard,\n\nthough not so loud as outside. Then, in the bathroom, the toilet\nstarts to\n\nrattle.\n\nJENNA\nDo you hear something?\n\nThey both listen intently. The rumble continues and, in the bathroom,\nthe toilet\n\nrattles again, the cistern shaking.\n\nJERRY\nI don't know what that could be.\n\nJenna gets up and goes to the bathroom door.\n\n(Eighty-sixth Street)\n\nThere is a rending sound, and a huge jet of water erupts from\nthe ground right\n\nin front of George, where he was hammering. There is a shot from\nabove the\n\nrising column of water. On the top rises George's keyring.\n\nHEAD\nHoly cow!\n\nThe plume of water rises high above George, who can be seen looking\nup at the\n\nheight of it.\n\n(Jenna's Apartment)\n\nIn the bathroom, Jenna is peering curiously at her rattling toilet,\nwondering\n\nwhat's wrong. She leans toward the bowl. Jerry is in the living\nroom, still\n\ntalking to her.\n\nJERRY\nAnyway, I'm a new man, and I'm looking\ntowards the future. Clean, dirty,\n\nwhatever.\n\nThere is the sound of a wet explosion and splashing water, followed\nby Jenna\n\nscreaming in the bathroom. Jerry leaps to his feet and rushes\nto see what has\n\nhappened.\n\nJerry enters the bathroom and sees Jenna. Only her forearm is\nvisible to us, but\n\nit's enough for us to know that she is wringing wet as the result\nof a violent\n\neruption from the toilet bowl.\n\nJerry's face registers his obvious distaste. He shrugs, sorry.\n\nJERRY\nHoly cow! Have a nice life.\n\nHe closes the bathroom door as he leaves.\n\n(Jerry's Car)\n\nElaine driving. The passenger seats are piled with the garbage\nfrom the basement\n\n- old carpets, bits of timber, boxes, etc. An external shot of\nthe car reveals\n\nshe is driving on Kramer's section of road, as the black-painted\nlane markers\n\ncan be seen.\n\nELAINE\nHey, look at this. Wide lanes. This\nis so luxurious. Woo, yeah.\n\nWe see the Saab weave across the extra wide lanes. From the boot\nfalls a\n\nbattered sewing machine. It sits in the middle of the carriageway.\n\n(Arthur Berkhardt Expressway)\n\nKramer is manhandling the forty gallon drum out of his boot.\nHe struggles to\n\nheave it clear, and then he drops it. The drum falls onto its\nside, and the lid\n\ncomes off, spilling the contents across the road.\n\nKRAMER\nBugger!\n\n(Newman's Truck)\n\nNewman is singing as he drives. Beside him are a stack of boxes,\nmarked 'Fresh\n\nFish'.\n\nNEWMAN\n(sings) You're once. Twice. Three times\na lady.\n\nThere's a loud crash as the truck runs over the sewing machine.\nTyres squeal as\n\nNewman regains control.\n\nNEWMAN\nWhat the hell was that?\n\nThe truck is travelling along with the sewing machine caught\non the front axle.\n\nAs it scrapes along the road, it leaves a huge trail of sparks\nbehind.\n\n(Arthur Berkhardt Expressway)\n\nKramer rights the empty drum and does a double-take as he notices\nthe warning\n\nlabels on the side - 'Paint Thinner' 'Highly Flammable'.\n\nKRAMER\nDouble bugger!\n\n(Newman's Truck)\n\nNewman still singing, although the grinding sound of the sewing\nmachine is\n\nalmost drowning out his voice. The sewing machine is still producing\na shower of\n\nsparks under the truck.\n\nNEWMAN\n(sings) Yes, you're once. Twice. Three\ntimes...\n\nSuddenly, the truck clearly reaches the pool of thinner and the\nsparks ignite\n\nit. Flames shoot up around the truck, and are reflected in the\nwindows. Newman\n\nbegins screaming and yelling in the midst of the inferno.\n\nNEWMAN\nAaah! Aaagh! Aah-aah. Oh, oh the humanity!\nAaagh!\n\n(Arthur Berkhardt Expressway)\n\nKramer finally manages to get the drum back into his boot and\nslams the lid\n\ndown. Then he sees Newman staggering along the road. Newman is\nwalking stiffly,\n\nand is singed all over, with blackened patches on his hair and\nclothing. He's\n\nstaring ahead, clearly in such a state of shock that he's uncomprehending\nof his\n\nsurroundings.\n\nKRAMER\nHey buddy. What're you doing out here?\n\nNewman continues to walk, oblivious of Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nMan, did you see that fireball? Woo-hoo-hoo,\nhoo-hoo.\n\nNewman still doesn't respond. In the distance the sound of sirens\ncan be heard.\n\nKramer hears them, looks worried, and moves toward the car.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, I gotta skedaddle. You wanna lift?\n\nKramer has the driver's door open and is impatient to be off.\nThe sirens\n\ncontinue.\n\nKRAMER\nNewman! Newman!!\n\nKramer gets in the car and leans out of the window to call to\nNewman.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I'll meet you at the coffee shop.\n\nHe starts the car, and leaves with a squeal of protesting tyres.\nNewman\n\ncontinues his walk.\n\nAs the Castle Rock logo comes up, Newman can be heard screaming\n'Aargh!'.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-English-Patient.html",
    "text": "THE ENGLISH PATIENT\n\nWritten by\n\nSteve Koren\n\n(Subway Train)\n\nJerry and Elaine sit side by side on a subway train. They're\nboth reading\n\nnewspapers, when something occurs to Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nYou know at the movies, they show that\nlittle ad for the concession\n\nstand?\n\nELAINE\nWhere the cartoon candy's dancing and\nthe Milk Dud's playing the\n\nbanjo?\n\nJERRY\nHe's wailing on that banjo.\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nI just don't understand the raisinettes.\n\nELAINE\nThe sax player?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nThe box of raisinettes runs up to the\nconcession stand, buys another\n\nbox of raisinettes.\n\nELAINE\nSo?\n\nJERRY\nBox of raisinettes eating another box\nof raisinettes? It's perverse.\n\nELAINE\nHE's not gonna eat them. He's buying\n'em for his Pepsi girlfriend.\n\nJERRY\nWhy's he dating a Pepsi? They're not\nhaving children.\n\nELAINE\nHe's a musician.\n\nJERRY\nMusicians. Get a real job.\n\nThey shrug and return to their reading.\n\n(Monk's)\n\nGeorge is sitting at the counter perusing a magazine. The waitress\ncomes over\n\nto take his order.\n\nWAITRESS\nWhat d'you want?\n\nGEORGE\nAh, I've had everything on the menu.\nUh, surprise me.\n\nThe waitress disappears out back. George goes back to reading.\nBehind him, a\n\nbeautiful woman enters, and approaches him.\n\nDANIELLE\n(to George) Neil.\n\nThe woman touches George on his shoulder, to get his attention.\n\nDANIELLE\nNeil.\n\nGeorge turns to face the woman.\n\nDANIELLE\n(apologetic) Oh, I am sorry. (smiling\nbroadly) I'm supposed to meet\n\nmy boyfriend here. He looks just like you.\n\nGEORGE\n(bemused) Really?\n\nDANIELLE\n(smiling) Yeah.\n\nGEORGE\n(pointing to himself) Like me?\n\nDANIELLE\nUh-huh. Sorry.\n\nDanielle walks away with a wave. George sits there, looking stunned.\n\nGEORGE\n(confused, to himself) Like me? But\nhow?\n\nThe waitress returns from the back and puts a plate down on the\ncounter\n\nbefore George.\n\nWAITRESS\nHere's your halibut omelette. Surprised?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, yes, I am.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry has a suitcase on the table, packing for a trip. Kramer\nhas brought in\n\na large paper bag, from which he pulls a blue t-shirt.\n\nKRAMER\nLook what I got for you, for your Florida\ntrip. Crazy Shirts was\n\nclosing 'em out. I got a dozen for a buck.\n\nKramer holds the shirt up against Jerry and admires it. On the\nfront of the\n\nshirt is the legend '#1 DAD'.\n\nKRAMER\nSaved a fortune. Look at that. Heyy.\n\nJERRY\n(reading, unimpressed) Ohh, 'Number\n1 Dad'.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\n(examining the label) Ooh, and it's\nin medium. Perfect.\n\nGeorge enters.\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nGEORGE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nGEORGE\nHey. You ready?\n\nJERRY\nAlmost.\n\nKRAMER\nOkay, look, uh, when you're in Florida,\ncan my cigar guy drop off\n\nsome Cubans for me at your parents' house?\n\nJERRY\n(reluctant) Kramer, I'm helping my parents\nmove into their new condo.\n\nI'm gonna be busy.\n\nKRAMER\nAw, c'mon man. Help a brother out.\n\nJERRY\n(grudging) Alright.\n\nKRAMER\nYeahh. I owe you one.\n\nJERRY\n(holding up the '# DAD' shirt) We're\neven.\n\nKramer leaves. George has got himself a bottle of water from\nthe fridge and\n\nwanders into the living room, talking.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, figure this out. I'm in the coffee\nshop, and this beautiful\n\ngirl I could never even talk to, mistakes me for her boyfriend.\n\nJERRY\n(continuing to pack) That's a nice four\nseconds.\n\nGEORGE\n(incredulous) I look just like him.\nI. Me. (flings his arms out)\n\nThis! This is what her boyfriend looks like. How is that possible?\n\nJERRY\nMaybe he has money.\n\nGEORGE\n(wondering) Maybe he doesn't. Maybe\nhe and I are exactly the same,\n\nexcept for one minor, yet crucial, detail. You never know.\n\nJERRY\n(zipping up his bag) Sometimes you do.\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe it's some small thing I could\nchange. Like a moustache. Or\n\nwearing a top hat, or a monocle, or a..or a cane.\n\nJERRY\n(picking up his bag and coat) Who's\nshe dating? Mr Peanut?\n\nJerry opens the door as George looks at him.\n\nGEORGE\n(pointedly) She could do a lot worse\nthan Mr Peanut, my friend.\n\nGeorge leaves, followed by Jerry.\n\n(Outside Movie Theatre)\n\nElaine and her latest boyfriend are standing in line.\n\nBLAINE\nSo, what d'you wanna see?\n\nELAINE\n(indicating a movie poster) What about\nSack Lunch?\n\nBLAINE\n(indicating another poster) How about\nThe English Patient? It's up\n\nfor all those Oscars.\n\nElaine pulls a face, like she's really not interested in seeing\nBlaine's\n\nchoice.\n\nELAINE\nOh, c'mon Blaine. I mean, look at the\nposter for Sack Lunch.\n\nBLAINE\nIt's a family in a brown paper bag.\n\nELAINE\n(laughing) Don't you wanna know how\nthey got in there?\n\nBLAINE\nNo.\n\nElaine and Blaine reach the front of the queue, just as the guy\nin the ticket\n\nbooth puts a sign up on the window saying 'Sack Lunch Sold Out'.\n\nELAINE\n(disappointment) Aww. Sold out.\n\nBLAINE\n(to the booth guy) Oh, two for The English\nPatient.\n\nElaine continues to study the Sack Lunch poster, while Blaine\nbuys tickets.\n\nELAINE\nSo d'you think they got shrunk down,\nor is it just a giant sack?\n\n(Monk's)\n\nDanielle, the beautiful woman, is paying at the register. George\nenters and\n\nsees her.\n\nGEORGE\n(smiling) Uh, hi. Uhm, remember me?\nI..I'm the guy who looks like\n\nNeil?\n\nDANIELLE\n(smiling back) Hi.\n\nGEORGE\nHuh-Hi. (looks around a little) Uhm,\nis Neil here?\n\nDANIELLE\nOh, no. He got held up at work.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, that's too bad. I kinda wanted to\nmeet him, seeing as how we look\n\nso similar.\n\nDANIELLE\nWell, you know, you don't look that\nmuch like him.\n\nGEORGE\n(disappointment) Oh. Course not.\n\nDANIELLE\nNo, you're a little taller.\n\nGeorge looks ever more bewildered.\n\nDANIELLE\nYou look like you're in better shape\nthan Neil. Do you work out?\n\nGEORGE\n(smiling) Listen, I..I..I don't mean\nto seem forward...\n\nDanielle looks like she thinks George is hitting on her, and\nshe's not\n\nagainst the idea.\n\nGEORGE\n...but is there any way that I could\npossibly have Neil's phone\n\nnumber?\n\nNow it's Danielle's time to look surprised and bewildered.\n\n(Outside Movie Theatre)\n\nElaine and Blaine emerge from the exit, having seen The English\nPatient.\n\nELAINE\n(very dissatisfied) Why is everyone\ntalking about \"The English\n\nPatient, it's so romantic\". (vehement) God, that movie stunk!\n\nBLAINE\nI kinda liked it.\n\nELAINE\n(firm) No you didn't.\n\nFrom the exit emerge several of Elaine's friends, who hurry over\nto see her.\n\nThey're all holding tissues.\n\nCAROL\nElaine. Elaine, did you just see The\nEnglish Patient?\n\nGAIL\n(tearful) Didn't you love it?\n\nLISA\nHow could you not love that movie?\n\nELAINE\nHow about, it sucked?\n\nCAROL\nThat Ralph Fiennes, I would give up\nmy firstborn for him.\n\nELAINE\n(aside) Huhh, getting the short end\nof that stick.\n\nBlaine gives Elaine a strange look.\n\n(Recreation Center, Del Boca Vista)\n\nJerry and Morty walk into a room which contains some fitness\nequipment -\n\nexercise bike, weights, etc.\n\nMORTY\nJerry, this is Del Boca Vista's new\nphysical fitness room. They got\n\nmedicine balls, you can bike ride, anything you want.\n\nJERRY\nStairmaster?\n\nMORTY\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nNothin'.\n\nMORTY\n(opening his tracksuit top) See what\nI'm wearing?\n\nMorty has on the '#1 DAD' shirt.\n\nJERRY\nOh, did you get that outta my bag?\n\nMORTY\nNo, your mother found it. Son, this\nis the most wonderful and\n\nthoughtful thing you've ever done for me.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, I bought you a Cadillac. Twice.\n\nIn through the door comes a really old guy. He jogs slowly in,\nand begins\n\ndoing physical jerks as Morty talks to Jerry.\n\nMORTY\nHoh, here he is. This is the man I wanted\nyou to see. Izzy\n\nMandelbaum. He's eighty years old, but strong as an ox. (pointing)\nWatch\n\nthis.\n\nIzzy picks up a set of weights and lifts them chest high.\n\nMORTY\nSee that? You couldn't do that.\n\nJERRY\nI could, but I choose not to.\n\nAnother guy enters behind the Seinfelds. He walks over to an\nexercise bike\n\nand climbs aboard.\n\nSID\nHey Morty. (nodding toward Jerry) Who's\nthis?\n\nMORTY\nThis is my son Jerry, from New York.\n(leaning toward Sid) He thinks he\n\ncan lift more than Izzy.\n\nJERRY\n(protesting) I..I didn't say that.\n\nSID\n(calling over) Hey, Izzy, this kid says\nhe can lift more than you can.\n\nIzzy looks over. He releases his grip on the weights and they\ndrop to the\n\nfloor with a clunk.\n\nIZZY\nYour kid's pretty funny, Morty. Should\nbe a comedian.\n\nJERRY\n(smiles) Actually, I am a comedian.\n\nSID\nThat's not so funny.\n\nIZZY\n(challenging) Think you're better than\nme, huh?\n\nMORTY\nIzzy used to work out with Charles Atlas\nin the fifties.\n\nJERRY\n(jocular) Eighteen-fifties?\n\nIZZY\nYeah, that's it. It's go time. (points\nto the weights he put down)\n\nLet's see you lift that.\n\nJERRY\n(reluctant) Mr Mandelbaum, I...\n\nIZZY\nC'mon, c'mon. Pump it!\n\nJERRY\n(consenting) Alright.\n\nIZZY\nYeah, wrong attitude. you're not bringing\nthat trash into my house.\n\nJerry walks over and picks the weights up easily.\n\nJERRY\nThere. Alright?\n\nIZZY\nStep aside, stringbean.\n\nJerry puts down the weights, and rolls them out of the way. Izzy\nsteps in\n\nfront of a much, much, more substantial set of weights.\n\nIZZY\nI'll show you. We're gonna take it up\na notch.\n\nIzzy bends and takes hold of the bar. The second he puts any\neffort into the\n\nlift, there is a loud crunching noise and a pained look of horror\ncomes to\n\nhis face.\n\nIZZY\n(agonised) Ah! My back. Ugh.\n\nIzzy keeps hold of the bar as he slowly keels over forwards.\nThe circular\n\nweights roll in front of him and Izzy gently falls forward until\nhe's face\n\ndown on the floor.\n\nIZZY\n(drawn out) Aaaahh.\n\nJerry, Morty and Sid, look on, concerned.\n\nSID\nSomebody, call an ambulance.\n\nMORTY\n(unpanicked) There's already an ambulance\nhere for Mrs Glickman.\n\nThere's room for one more.\n\n(Outside Movie Theatre)\n\nElaine is at the same movie theatre as before,but alone this\ntime. She's\n\nbuying her ticket from the booth.\n\nELAINE\n(handing over her money) Okay, one for\nSack Lunch. (taking the\n\nticket) It's good, right? (smiling) Yeah, good.\n\nElaine turns to enter the theatre, and meets Gail, Carol and\nLisa coming out.\n\nELAINE\n(surprise) Hey, what're you guys doing\nhere?\n\nLISA\nWe just saw The English Patient again.\n\nGAIL\nIt's even better the second time.\n\nELAINE\nThey make it longer?\n\nOut of the theatre comes Blaine, carrying an umbrella.\n\nBLAINE\n(to the girls) Got my umbrella.\n\nELAINE\n(shocked) Blaine!?\n\nBLAINE\nElaine.\n\nELAINE\nI thought you were busy tonight.\n\nBLAINE\n(cold) Well, to tell you the truth Elaine.\nI don't know if I can be\n\nwith someone who doesn't like The English Patient.\n\nELAINE\nIt's just a stupid movie.\n\nBLAINE\n(to Carol) That's what I'm talking about.\n\nCAROL\n(taking Blaine's arm) Come on, Blaine.\nLet's go.\n\nBLAINE\n(bitter) Enjoy Sack Lunch!\n\nBlaine walks away with the girls.\n\nELAINE\n(fierce) I will!\n\n(Seinfeld Residence, Del Boca Vista)\n\nHelen is talking to Jerry, with Morty on the couch. Helen and\nMorty are in\n\ntheir nightclothes. Morty has on the '#1 DAD' shirt.\n\nHELEN\n(accusing) How could you do that to\nMr Mandelbaum? You should be\n\nashamed of yourself.\n\nJERRY\n(defensive) He egged me on.\n\nHELEN\nYou should be more mature.\n\nJERRY\nHe's eighty!\n\nMORTY\n(standing) Okay. Tomorrow, Jerry and\nI will visit Izzy and apologise.\n\nNow, goodnight.\n\nMorty begins to head to the bedroom.\n\nHELEN\n(walking after Morty) You're not sleeping\nin that shirt. It's too\n\ntight.\n\nMORTY\nThis shirt will never leave my body.\n\nHelen follows Morty down the short hallway.\n\nHELEN\n(to Jerry) Goodnight.\n\nJERRY\n(smiling) Alright. Seven-thirty, got\nthe place to myself.\n\nThere is a knock at the door. Jerry answers it. Outside are three\n\nHispanic-looking guys.\n\nGUILLERMO\nJerry Seinfeld please.\n\nJERRY\nAh, you must be Kramer's guys. (indicating)\nCome on in. You got the\n\ncigars?\n\nThe guys enter.\n\nGUILLERMO\nWhat cigars?\n\nJERRY\nKramer said I was supposed to bring\nhim back some Cubans.\n\nGUILLERMO\n(indicating the threesome) We are the\nCubans.\n\nJerry stares, stunned.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment/Del Boca Vista)\n\nKramer stands, shirtless, in Jerry's kitchen. There's a pot on\nthe stove, and\n\nKramer's chopping vegetables on a board. The phone rings and\nKramer answers.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, hello, Jerry's place.\n\nIn the Seinfelds' condo, the three guys are asleep on the fold-out\ncouch and\n\na chair, while an upset Jerry rants into the phone.\n\nJERRY\n(animated) They're real Cubans?! They're\nhuman beings, from Cuba?!\n\nKRAMER\nI said Cubans. What'd you think I meant?\n\nJERRY\nCigars!\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, Cuban cigars are illegal in this\ncountry. That's why I got\n\nthese guys.\n\nJERRY\n(incredulous) You're making your own\ncigars now?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah. I got investors all lined\nup.\n\nBehind Jerry, Morty wanders over to the kitchen counter.\n\nJERRY\n(to Kramer) Hold on a second. (to Morty)\nHiya dad.\n\nMorty sorts through some pill bottles, before picking one out.\n\nMORTY\n(without looking up) Who are they?\n\nJERRY\nThey're Cuban cigar rollers.\n\nMORTY\n(walking back out of the room) Don't\ntell your mother.\n\nSomething catches Jerry's ear on the phone.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is that bubbling sound? Are you\nmaking your tomato sauce?\n\nKRAMER\nHot and spicy.\n\nJERRY\n(accusing) You're not wearing a shirt,\nare you?\n\nKRAMER\nYes I am.\n\nJERRY\nWhat colour is it?\n\nKramer looks down at his bare torso, and can't think.\n\nKRAMER\nDamn!\n\nKramer hangs up the phone.\n\n(New York Hallway)\n\nGeorge and Danielle walk up to her door in her building. George\nhas a napkin\n\nin his hand on which is some scribbled numbers. Danielle is looking\nat\n\nGeorge, very much as if she's interested.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, you could've just given me\nNeil's number. You..you didn't\n\nhave to take me out to dinner.\n\nDANIELLE\nI wanted to give it to you in person.\n\nGeorge shrugs his understanding.\n\nDANIELLE\n(flirtatious) You know, I don't have\nto be up in the morning, and I\n\nknow a great breakfast place, right around the corner.\n\nDanielle gives George a big smile. George smiles, but thoughtfully.\n\nGEORGE\nDoes Neil like to eat a big breakfast?\n\nDANIELLE\n(inviting) Why don't you come in? We'll\ntake about it.\n\nGEORGE\n(looking at his watch) I really should\nget going. Y'know, I..I wanna\n\nbe home in case Neil calls.\n\nDANIELLE\nWell, goodnight.\n\nDanielle leans toward George, for a kiss. But George walks away\ncompletely\n\noblivious to Danielle.\n\nGEORGE\n(hurried) I'll see you.\n\nDanielle looks down the hall after George, looking perplexed.\n\n(Monk's)\n\nAn unhappy Elaine sits at the counter as the waitress pours her\ncoffee.\n\nWAITRESS\nRough night?\n\nELAINE\nUgh. You wouldn't believe it. My boyfriend\ndumped me. My friends, who\n\nI don't even like, they won't talk to me. (face-pulling) All\nbecause I don't\n\nlike that stupid English Patient movie.\n\nWAITRESS\nReally? I thought it was pretty good.\n\nELAINE\nOh, come on. Good? What was good about\nit? (scoffs) Those sex scenes!\n\nI mean, please! Gimme something I can use!\n\nWAITRESS\n(sour) Well, I liked it.\n\nThe waitress takes the coffee pot and walks away into the back.\n\nELAINE\n(calling after) Hey. You forgot about\nmy piece of pie. Hello?\n\n(irritated) You know, sex in a tub. That doesn't work!\n\n(Mandelbaum Residence, Del Boca Vista)\n\nJerry and Morty stroll into the bedroom of the hugely impressive\nMandelbaum\n\ncondo. Morty is still wearing the '#1 DAD' shirt under his tracksuit.\nIzzy is\n\nasleep in the bed.\n\nJERRY\nThis is quite a condo.\n\nMORTY\nThe Mandelbaums own the Magic Pan restaurants.\n\nJERRY\nThe crepe place?\n\nMORTY\nYeah. This is all big crepe money.\n\nJERRY\n(doubtful) There's crepe money?\n\nIzzy wakes up and sees the Seinfelds at the foot of his bed.\n\nIZZY\nWhat are you doing here?\n\nJERRY\n(apologetic) Aw, Mr Mandelbaum, I just\nwanted to come by and tell you\n\nhow sorry I was that you hurt yourself.\n\nIzzy stares at Morty as Jerry speaks.\n\nIZZY\nWhat the hell is that?\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nIZZY\nThat shirt. You think that you are the\nnumber one dad?\n\nMORTY\nThis was a gift from my son.\n\nMorty displays the shirt proudly. Jerry smiles.\n\nIZZY\nOh, I see how it works now. (indicates\nJerry) He knocks me outta\n\ncommission, so (indicates Morty) you can strut around in your\nfancy number\n\none shirt. (moves the bedcovers) Well, I'll show you who's number\none.\n\nIzzy starts to move to get out of bed.\n\nJERRY\nMr Mandelbaum, please.\n\nIZZY\nIt's go time.\n\nIzzy stands up and there is a familiar crunching noise. Izzy\nfreezes in his\n\nstance, arms raised.\n\nIZZY\n(pained) Ahh. My back. I can't move.\n\nJerry and Morty look on with horrified concern.\n\nMORTY\nCall an ambulance.\n\nJERRY\nI think I saw one a coupla doors down.\n\nJerry darts out of the door, followed moments later by Morty.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment/Del Boca Vista)\n\nJerry has just returned from Florida, and is putting away his\nbag. A worried\n\nGeorge sits at the table.\n\nJERRY\n(disbelief) So she wanted you to come\nup, but you left because you\n\nthought some guy might be calling you?!\n\nJerry puts his bag in the bedroom and returns as George paces\nthe floor.\n\nGEORGE\n(animated) Some guy. Some guy? Neil!\nI have got to find out how he\n\ncould get a girl like Danielle.\n\nJERRY\n(pointing out the obvious) George, you've\ngot Danielle. Forget about\n\nNeil. You've out-Neiled him.\n\nGEORGE\n(surprised) So, I'm Neil? How did I\ndo that?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, but you better keep it\nup.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm gonna go meet Danielle. (grabs his\ncoat) There's a new Neil in\n\ntown! (triumphant laughter) Hahaha!\n\nGeorge exits, cheerfully. The phone rings as the door closes.\n\nJERRY\n(to himself) I try to take a vacation,\nI come back, the whole\n\noperation's a shambles. (answers phone) Hello.\n\nIn Florida, Helen and Morty each have a handset. Morty is still\nwearing the\n\n'#1 DAD' shirt.\n\nMORTY\nHey Jerry. Number One here. Did you\ngo see Izzy at the back\n\nspecialist?\n\nJERRY\nI will, I just walked in the door.\n\nHELEN\nYou have to go see him.\n\nJERRY\nMa.\n\nMORTY\nHelen, will you stop bothering him.\n\nHELEN\nJerry, that shirt is gone right to his\nhead.\n\nMORTY\nNumber One, signing off.\n\nThe Seinfelds hang up. Jerry's door opens and Kramer bursts in,\nagitated.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, I just picked up the Cubans at\nthe bus station. (shrill)\n\nWhat's going on!?\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\n(animated) They're not real Cubans.\nThey're Dominicans.\n\nJERRY\nSo?\n\nKRAMER\nSo, Jerry, if my investors don't get\nCubans, the whole deal's off.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's the difference?\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, once you've had real Cubans,\nthere's just nothing else like\n\nit.\n\nJERRY\n(confused) We're talking about people,\nright?\n\nKRAMER\nYes, yes. The quality, the texture,\nthe intoxicating aroma. These\n\nguys don't have it.\n\nJERRY\nI thought they smelled pretty nice.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, your palate's unrefined.\n\nJERRY\nIs not.\n\nKRAMER\nIs too.\n\nJERRY\nIs not.\n\nKRAMER\nIs too.\n\nJERRY\nI'm not having this conversation.\n\nKRAMER\nAre too.\n\nJERRY\nAm not.\n\nKRAMER\nAre too.\n\nJERRY\nAm not.\n\nKRAMER\nAre too.\n\n(J Peterman's Office)\n\nPeterman lounges behind his desk, as Elaine and another employee\npick up\n\nnotes, photographs, etc.\n\nPETERMAN\nAnother productive meeting. By the way,\nI saw that English Patient\n\nfilm last night. It was extraordinary.\n\nDUGAN\n(enthusiastic) Oh yes. It was so romantic.\nIt ravished me.\n\nDugan walks away.\n\nPETERMAN\nElaine, what'd you think?\n\nELAINE\n(hesitant) Well, uh, act..actually,\nI haven't seen it. So, I couldn't\n\ntell you whether I liked it, or whether it really sucked.\n\nPETERMAN\n(aghast) You haven't seen it?\n\nELAINE\n(shakes head) No.\n\nPETERMAN\nThat's it! Drop everything. We're going\nright now.\n\nPeterman stuffs some paperwork into a desk drawer.\n\n(The New York Hospital)\n\nIzzy is in a hospital bed, as Jerry stands beside it.\n\nJERRY\nAgain, Mr Mandelbaum, this back specialist\nis supposed to be the best.\n\nSo if there's anything else I can do, please don't hesitate to,\nuh, try and\n\nfind my number.\n\nJerry turns to walk out.\n\nIZZY\nUh, oh, wait.\n\nIzzy rummages on his bedside table and picks up a t-shirt. He\nholds it up to\n\nhis chest so Jerry can read what's written on it. 'World's Greatest\nDAD!'\n\nIZZY\nHow 'bout that, huh? The World's Greatest\nDad. My son made it for me.\n\nJERRY\n(humouring him) That's very nice.\n\nIZZY\nThe best in the world. (pointing to\nhimself) Which means I'm better\n\nthan just number one.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I don't know how official any\nof these rankings really are.\n\nBehind Jerry, an elderly bald guy leans round the doorframe and\nraps on the\n\ndoor, attracting Izzy's attention.\n\nIZZY\nHi, son.\n\nIZZY JR.\nHi daddy.\n\nJERRY\n(surprise) This is your son?\n\nIZZY\nI got married in high school.\n\nIZZY JR.\n(to Jerry) Hey, who are you?\n\nIZZY\nThis is Seinfeld's kid.\n\nIZZY JR.\nOh, you think you're tough, picking\non an old man? (squaring up to\n\nJerry) Maybe you'd like to try taking on somebody your own age.\n\nJERRY\n(jocular) You got any kids?\n\nIZZY JR.\nOh, you think you're better than me?\n(challenging) Go ahead, pick\n\nout anything in the room here. I'll lift it up over my head.\n\nJERRY\n(trying to defuse the situation) Look,\nno-one is lifting anything.\n\nIZZY\n(pointing) The television.\n\nJERRY\n(under his breath) Oh no.\n\nIzzy Jr walks over to the TV, which sits on top of a cabinet.\n\nIZZY JR.\nThis one's for you, Pop. It's go time.\n\nIzzy Jr takes a grip on the TV, but there's another crunching\nsound as he\n\ntries to lift, and an agonised expression comes to his face.\nJerry cringes in\n\nthe background.\n\nIZZY JR.\n(pained) Ohh! My back!\n\nIZZY\n(urgent) Call an ambulance.\n\nJERRY\n(laconic) We're already in a hospital.\n\n(Earl Haffler's Office)\n\nA suit-wearing Kramer is in the office of Earl Haffler - cigar-smoking,\n\nstetson-wearing, Texan businessman.\n\nHAFFLER\nAwright, partner. Let's get down to\nbusiness.\n\nKRAMER\n(nervous) Okay, well, uh, I'll uh, I'll\nget the Cubans.\n\nKramer walks over to the door trying to smile confidently.\n\nKRAMER\nThey're right out here.\n\nKramer calls a few words of nonsense Spanish out of the door,\nand the three\n\nguys stroll in. They are dressed in Castro-style green fatigues\nand caps.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, here they are. The Cubans. Real\nCubans.\n\nEarl Haffler regards the three for a second or two.\n\nHAFFLER\nYou wouldn't be trying to sell old Earl\nHaffler Dominicans in a\n\nCuban wrapper now, would you?\n\nKRAMER\n(fidgety) Oh, now, come on. Look at\nthese boys. If they were any more\n\nCuban, Castro would've smoked them himself. Huh.\n\nHAFFLER\n(confusion) We're talking about people,\nright?\n\nKRAMER\n(puzzled) I think so.\n\nHAFFLER\nI thought he quit smoking cigars.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, yeah, yeah. But they also rolled\nfor his brother... (thinks for\n\na second) ...Dennis.\n\nHAFFLER\n(dubious) Dennis Castro?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, Dwayne.\n\nHAFFLER\nGet the hell outta my office.\n\nKRAMER\n(shrill) What!?\n\n(Monk's)\n\nDanielle and George walk over to, and sit in, a booth.\n\nDANIELLE\nYou know, Neil called me today.\n\nGEORGE\n(interested) Really?\n\nDANIELLE\nYeah. He's pretty upset that I broke\nup with him to go out with\n\nyou.\n\nGEORGE\n(smug) Ah, I guess I showed Neil who's\nNeil.\n\nDANIELLE\nHe wants to get together tomorrow night\nand have coffee.\n\nGEORGE\n(little worried) Coffee? (thinks) I\ncan beat that. Move in with me.\n\nDANIELLE\n(surprised) What?\n\nGEORGE\n(smiles) Beats the hell out of coffee.\n\nDanielle smiles at George, still a touch confused.\n\n(Movie Theatre)\n\nPeterman and Elaine sit in the auditorium. The English Patient\nis playing and\n\nmany of the crowd are tearfully dabbing their eyes. Peterman\nis particularly\n\nemotional. Elaine looks completely bored, and is tossing pieces\nof popcorn up\n\nin the air to try and catch them in her mouth.\n\nPETERMAN\n(emotional) And I thought I knew what\nlove was.\n\nOne of Elaine's bits of popcorn misses her mouth and falls behind\nher seat.\n\nElaine twists round and reaches over to retrieve it, before slumping\nin her\n\nseat wearily.\n\nELAINE\n(indifferent) Yuh.\n\n(Monk's)\n\nJerry and George sit in a booth. George looks ragged and is swigging\nfrom a\n\nbottle of some anti-acid medication.\n\nJERRY\n(incredulous) You asked her to move\nin with you?\n\nGEORGE\nI gotta stay one step ahead of Neil.\n\nJERRY\n(musing) What if it's Neil Armstrong?\n\nGeorge thinks for a moment, his eyes twitching.\n\nGEORGE\n(animated) Then I'm going to Mars!\n\nJERRY\nWhat if it's Neil Diamond?\n\nGEORGE\n(tormented) Aw, shut up Jerry! Just\nshut up!\n\nJERRY\nAlright, I gotta go back to the hospital.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, to see the old guy?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I got into a thing with the son,\nand now he's laid up too.\n\nGEORGE\nHow old's the son?\n\nJERRY\nI think he's the same age as the father.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat is with this family?\n\nJERRY\nI dunno. It's like, if one of 'em dies,\nthe other one wants to bench\n\npress the casket.\n\nKramer sidles into the coffee shop. He peers past the register,\nto where the\n\nthree guys are sitting in the far corner, talking together. Then\nhe moves\n\nover to join Jerry and George.\n\nKRAMER\n(quietly) Hey, Jerry.\n\nKramer indicates the three guys with his thumb.\n\nKRAMER\n(noise - like shivery) Datiditadit.\n\nJERRY\nYou're cold?\n\nKRAMER\nNo. (indicates with his head) (noise\nagain) Ditadidatidat.\n\nJERRY\nSomething wrong with your chest?\n\nKRAMER\n(indicating with his thumb) Dijadidatjd.\nThere.\n\nJERRY\n(leaning round Kramer) Where?\n\nKRAMER\n(urgent) No, no. Don't look. Don't look.\n\nJerry and George look as if they're infected by Kramer's nervousness,\nas they\n\ntry and look surreptitiously at the Dominicans.\n\nKRAMER\nOver there. The Dominicans.\n\nJERRY\nAren't they supposed to be rolling cigars?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, it didn't quite work out, and\nnow I've got nothing for them to\n\ndo.\n\nGEORGE\nSo?\n\nKRAMER\nSo, I taught 'em all about Cuba, and\nthey really took to it. You\n\nknow, Marxism, the Worker's Revolution, the clothing.\n\nIn the corner, one of the Dominicans thumps the table, as if\nto underscore a\n\npoint in his argument.\n\nJERRY\nBoy, they seem pretty angry about something.\n\nKRAMER\n(nervous) Yeah. I'm a little worried.\nWhen there's no work, and the\n\npeople get restless, who do you think they come after? (pointing\nto himself,\n\nshrill) El Presidente!\n\nAgain, one of the Dominicans thumps the table. Kramer jumps at\nthe sound.\n\n(The New York Hospital)\n\nIzzy and Izzy Jr are laid up in beds placed side-by-side.\n\nJERRY\nI swear to you, I didn't know they TV\nwas bolted to the table.\n\nIZZY JR.\nI bet you pulled that trick on my daddy,\nin Florida.\n\nJERRY\nHe couldn't handle the weight.\n\nIZZY\n(hostile) Oh, so now you think you're\nbetter than me?\n\nIZZY JR.\n(indicating Izzy) You think you're better\nthan him?!\n\nJERRY\n(placatory) Look, let me just state\nfor the record, I think you're\n\nboth better than me.\n\nIZZY\nOkay.\n\nAn even more elderly guy than Izzy enters the room behind Jerry.\nHe spreads\n\nhis arms in greeting to the Mandelbaums.\n\nIZZY SR.\nMy boys.\n\nIZZY\nMy dad.\n\nIZZY JR.\nMy grandpa.\n\nJERRY\n(incredulous) Oh, come on!\n\nIZZY SR.\n(indicating Izzy Jr) What happened to\nhim?\n\nJERRY\nHe was trying to lift the TV.\n\nIZZY SR.\n(pointing) That TV?\n\nIzzy Sr. strides purposefully toward the TV.\n\nJERRY\n(consternation) Oh no. (to the bedridden\ntwo) It's go time.\n\nOff-screen there is a familiar crunching sound\n\nIZZY IZZY SR..\n(pained) Oohh!\n\n(The New York Hospital)\n\nAll three of the Mandelbaums are in a row of beds in the same\nroom.\n\nIZZY SR.\nWhy didn't anybody tell me? It was bolted\ndown!\n\nIZZY\nI still thought you could do it.\n\nIZZY JR.\nMe too.\n\nMandelbaum, Mandelbaum...\n\nJERRY\nFellas, fellas, look, I gotta go.\n\nIZZY\nOh yeah, that's right. Go. Put us all\nin the hospital. And you've\n\nruined our business with all your macho head games.\n\nJERRY\n(defensive) I didn't ruin your business.\n\nIZZY\nYes, you did. There's nobody there now\nat the Magic Pan to roll the\n\ncrepes. We gotta close it up.\n\nJERRY\n(uncertain) Don't you hire people to\ndo that?\n\nIZZY\nEach crepe has to be hand-rolled by\na Mandelbaum. That's what puts the\n\nmagic in Magic Pan!\n\nJERRY\n(thinking) So, you just need some guys\nthat could roll 'em?\n\nIZZY\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\n(having an idea) I think I can help\nyou out. I'll see you later.\n\nJerry turns and starts to leave, but is called back.\n\nIZZY SR.\n(calls) Hey, I can't see the TV.\n\nJerry walks to the TV and picks it,and the attached cabinet up.\nHE carries it\n\nacross the room to the foot of Izzy Sr.'s bed,where he places\nit.\n\nJERRY\nHere.\n\nJerry walks out of the room followed by the angry cries of Izzy.\n\nIZZY\nYou think you're better than us,don't\nyou?! Huh!?\n\n(Movie Theatre)\n\nPeterman and Elaine are still in front of The English Patient.\nPeterman\n\nstares, enraptured, at the screen. Elaine is totally frantic\nwith boredom.\n\nPETERMAN\nElaine, I hope you're watching the clothes,\nbecause I can't take my\n\neyes off the passion.\n\nELAINE\n(quiet vehemence) Oh. No. I can't do\nthis any more. I can't. It's too\n\nlong. (to the screen) Quit telling your stupid story, about the\nstupid\n\ndesert, and just die already! (louder) Die!!\n\nThe other movie patrons turn and shush Elaine, who sits back\nin her seat.\n\nPETERMAN\n(surprised) Elaine. You don't like the\nmovie?\n\nELAINE\n(shouts) I hate it!!\n\nCROWD\nShh!\n\nELAINE\n(shouts) Oh, go to hell!!\n\nPETERMAN\n(quietly) Well, why didn't you say so\nin the first place? You're\n\nfired.\n\nELAINE\n(grabbing her bag and coat) Great. I'll\nwait for you outside.\n\nElaine hurriedly gets out of her seat and leaves.\n\n(Magic Pan Restaurant)\n\nJerry and Elaine sit in a booth, talking over coffee.\n\nJERRY\nHe was gonna fire you?\n\nELAINE\nThe only way I could talk him out of\nit was that I agreed to go and\n\nvisit the Tunisian desert.\n\nJERRY\nTunisia?\n\nELAINE\nThat's where they filmed the movie.\nIt's supposed to inspire me.\n\nJERRY\nWell, that doesn't sound so bad.\n\nELAINE\nI have to live in a cave.\n\nJERRY\n(sardonic) Oh. (smiles)\n\nKramer comes over to the booth.\n\nKRAMER\nThese Dominicans really know their way\nround a crepe. Look at that.\n\nIt's like they're rolling a double corona.\n\nThe three Dominican guys are making crepes, and then rolling\nthem around\n\nfillings.\n\nKRAMER\n(to one of the guys) Just a cigar made\noutta bisquik, huh, Guillermo?\n\nThe Dominican smiles back.\n\nOver in another part of the restaurant, Danielle sits in a booth\nwith Neil.\n\nNeil is clearly bald, but has his back to the camera.\n\nDANIELLE\nI'm very happy with George. I'm sorry\nNeil, it's over.\n\nNeil's head drops at this news.\n\nDANIELLE\nCome on, let's just eat our crepes.\n\nThe Dominicans are handing out plates of rolled crepes to various\ntables.\n\nAt one table a customer prods a rolled crepe with his fork and\na jet of\n\nscalding hot filling squirts out into his face.\n\nCUSTOMER\n(pained scream) Aaghh!! My face!\n\nAt another table, another customer digs his fork in, and is rewarded\nwith a\n\nfaceful of blistering filling.\n\nNeil sticks his fork into his crepe and recoils as hot liquid\njets into his\n\nface.\n\nDANIELLE\n(concerned cry) Neil!\n\nThe restaurant is in chaos as yells of pain come from all sides.\nElaine,\n\nJerry and Kramer look round at the commotion.\n\nJERRY\nWhy are the crepes spraying?\n\nKRAMER\n(looks over at the three guys) The Dominicans\nare rolling them too\n\ntight. (regretful) Uhm, well, that's why you gotta get real Cubans.\n\nAnother scream rents the air.\n\n(Metropolitan Hospital Center)\n\nIn a hospital room, Neil lies in a bed, his face obscured with\nbandages and\n\nan IV line connected to him. Danielle is there fussing with the\nremains of a\n\nhospital meal on a tray. George enters.\n\nGEORGE\nDanielle. Where's Neil? (indicating\nthe bed) Is this him?\n\nDANIELLE\nYeah, that blueberry crepe burned him\npretty badly.\n\nGeorge picks up a walking stick which was propped against the\nbed.\n\nGEORGE\n(to Danielle) Whose cane is this?\n\nDANIELLE\nIt's Neil's.\n\nDanielle walks away with a water jug from Neil's table. She goes\nto a sink in\n\nthe corner as George speaks.\n\nGEORGE\n(to himself) A cane. I knew it. (to\nNeil) So, we meet at last. I\n\nadmire your skills, Mr Peanut.\n\nDanielle brings back the jug.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, Danielle, (digs in his pocket)\nwe should get going. I got a key\n\nmade for you.\n\nGeorge flourishes a doorkey before Danielle.\n\nDANIELLE\nGeorge, I can't move in with you.\n\nGEORGE\n(shocked) What?\n\nDANIELLE\nI'm sorry, but I'm taking Neil to a\nclinic in England.\n\nGEORGE\n(animated) N..no, no. You can't leave\nme. (frantic) Marry me! I'll\n\nburn myself. I'll burn my parents!\n\nDANIELLE\nSorry George.\n\nDanielle takes the jug and leaves the room. Dejectedly, George\nwanders toward\n\nthe door. As he moves, Neil whispers to him.\n\nNEIL\n(beckoning) George.\n\nGeorge leans over to Neil, so he can hear him speak.\n\nNEIL\n(quiet triumph) I win.\n\nGeorge purses his lips and nods ruefully. He stands up and leaves,\nclosing\n\nthe door behind him. There is a brief pause, then the door opens\na few inches\n\nand George's hand reaches back inside the room, takes hold of\nthe IV line and\n\ntugs it sharply, breaking it free of the IV bag,and drops it.\nThen the hand\n\nis withdrawn and the door closes again.\n\n(Plane)\n\nElaine sits in an aisle seat in a 747, reading a Let's Go Tunisia\nbook. She\n\nlistens as a voice comes over the tannoy.\n\nTAN\nLadies and gentlemen. In just one moment,\nwe'll be showing our feature\n\npresentation...\n\nELAINE\n(dread) No, no, no, no, no.\n\nTAN\n...the comedy hit, Sack Lunch, starring\nDabney Coleman.\n\nELAINE\n(cheering up) Ah, right! Aw, this is\nshaping up.\n\nSmiling, Elaine puts down her book to watch the movie. Someone\nfrom a seat\n\nbeside her wants to get out.\n\nGUY\nExcuse me, please.\n\nELAINE\nOh, sure.\n\nThe guy pushes past her. He's holding a rolled-up magazine closely\nto his\n\nbody, as if concealing something and, strangely, is wearing a\n'#1 DAD'\n\nt-shirt. There's a little awkwardness as he squeezes by.\n\nELAINE\n(uncomfortable) Ooh.\n\nThe guy walks down the aisle and turns to face the passengers.\nTwo other guys\n\nin '#1 DAD' t-shirts flank him. They are the three Dominican\nguys.\n\nGUILLERMO\nLadies and gentlemen. Because we have\nbeen exploited by your Magic\n\nPan crepe restaurants...\n\nFrom inside his magazine, Guillermo produces a revolver. The\nother two guys\n\nalso pull out guns, which they point upwards and cock, loudly.\n\nGUILLERMO\n...we are hijacking this plane to Cuba!\n\nThere is consternation among the passengers, shocked looks, gasps,\netc.\n\nGUILLERMO\nEveryone stay in your seats. And shut\nthat movie off!\n\nELAINE\n(annoyed) Aww, nuts!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Nap.html",
    "text": "THE NAP\n\nWritten by\n\nGregg Kavet & Andy Robin\n\n(Monk's)\n\nGEORGE\nOh, boy I was up to four in the morning\nwatching the Omen trilogy.\n\nJERRY\nThat's good stuff.\n\nGEORGE\nI can't to myself. I'm exhausted.\n\nJERRY\nCan you grab a nap at work.\n\nGEORGE\nNot with that big glass window looking\nout into the hall. I'd love a good nap.\nThat's the only thing getting me out\nof bed in the morning. I'll see ya'.\n\nELAINE\nBye.\n\nJERRY\nSo what are you doing now?\n\nELAINE\nI'm going to take a little stroll through\nthe park.\n\nJERRY\nWith a gentleman caller?\n\nELAINE\nYes, his name is Hal.\n\nJERRY\nThe walking date is a good date. You\ndon't have to look right at the other\n-person.\n\nELAINE\nIt's the next best thing to being alone.\n\n(Kramer enters - wet head)\n\nJERRY\nShower?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, pool. I just swam 200 laps.\n\nELAINE\nYou are kidding.\n\nKRAMER\nLook at hose babies (hands). They're\nprunes. I saw Conrad going up to oyur\nplace.\n\nELAINE\nOh, yeah, that's right. Those new kitchen\ncabinets. How is that coming?\n\nJERRY\nA little slow. I've got to hold this\nguy's hand on every little decision.\n\nELAINE\nHey, Kramer, listen, you've seen the\nOmen right?\n\nELAINE\nWhat exactly was that kid?\n\nKRAMER\nWho, Damien? Nothing, just a mischievous,\nrambunctious kid.\n\n(Yankee Stadium)\n\nWILHELM\nOh, George, have you seen the American\nleague directory? It is a big green\nbook. Oh, thanks kiddo.\n\n(Central park)\n\nHAL\n\nELAINE\nWell I don't care. It was delicious.\n\nELAINE\nWanna sit down?\n\nHAL\nOh, I don't sit on park benches. They're\nvery bad for the back.\n\nELAINE\nReally?\n\nHAL\nI threw my back out about 15 years ago.\nEver since I have been very careful.\nI only buy furniture in the ergonomics\nstore.\n\nELAINE\nOh those places have the stupidest names.\nLike, uh, \"Back in \", or \"Good Vertibrations\".\n\nHAL\nNot this one. It's called the \"Lumbar\nYard\".\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nCONRAD\nOh, Jerry are you okay with this hinge?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nCONRAD\nI can get you any kind you want, you\nknow. Four holes, three holes, two holes,\nbronze, no hinge at all.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, why don't we just go with\nthe one in your hand?\n\nCONRAD\nOh, these are different.\n\nJERRY\nDrop one... . left!\n\n(George enters)\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, look at my eyes.\n\nJERRY\nA little less beady today.\n\nGEORGE\nBecause I'm REFRESHED. I finally found\na way to sleep in my office. Under the\ndesk. I lie on my back. I tuck in the\nchair. I'm invisible.\n\nJERRY\nSounds like a really cool fort.\n\nCONRAD\nJerry, do you want a flat edge on this\nmolding or do you want me to bevel it?\n\nJERRY\nI'll tell you what I would like you\nto do with it.\n\nGEORGE\nConrad, is it?\n\nCONRAD\nConrad, Connie, or Con, whatever you\nprefer.\n\nGEORGE\nUh, let me ask you a question. Could\nyou, uh, expand the space underneath\na desk to give it a little more headroom?\n\nJERRY\nHe's kind of tied up here.\n\nGEORGE\nIt'll have to be a night job anyway.\nYou don't normally work after dinner,\ndo you?\n\nCONRAD\nThere is no normal, whatever jerry wants.\nHe wants me here late, I'm here late,\nhe wants me here early, I'm here early,\nhe ...\n\nJERRY\nWhy don't you just work on George's\nproject for a while?\n\nCONRAD\nWhatever you want.\n\n(Next day - on the telephone)\n\nJERRY\nSo how was Wednesday's walk in the park\nwith Hal.\n\nELAINE\nUh, it was okay,. He's coming over later\nto watch a movie. Hey listen, what's\nbetter for your back? Couch cushions\nor a folding chair?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know.\n\nELAINE\nUh, maybe we'll just stand and watch\nthe tv. (knock knock). I gotta go someone's\nat my door. Yeah!\n\nDELIVERY GUY\nDelivery. Elaine Benes?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nDELIVERY GUY\nWe're from the Lumbar Yard, we got your\nmattress.\n\nELAINE\nMattress, I didn't order a mattress.\nWho sent this? Hal Kitzmiller?\n\n(Yankee Stadium)\n\nGEORGE\nDo you think it might be possible to\nadd a little shelf like, uh, for an\nalarm clock?\n\nCONRAD\nYou mean like that big?\n\nGEORGE\nLike this.\n\nCONRAD\nYeah, I can do that.\n\nGEORGE\nThanks. You know this could sound crazy\nbut, what do you think about adding\na drawer for - like a blanket?\n\nCONRAD\nBlanket or quilt?\n\nGEORGE\nBlanket.\n\nCONRAD\nThat thick?\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe like this.\n\nCONRAD\nLike that?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, like that.\n\nCONRAD\nIf that is what you want.\n\nGEORGE\nThat is what I want.\n\n(Later)\n\nCONRAD\nHey George, you want this cup holder\nmounted on the left, or the right, or\nthe middle, ...\n\nGEORGE\nWhatever!!... . Oh oh oh this is unbelievable.\nThis is better than my bed at home.\n\nGEORGE\nIts been a long night. You go home and\nget some sleep.\n\nCONRAD\nIf that's what you want.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's what I want.\n\nW\nMorning George.\n\nGEORGE\nGood morning Mr. Wilhelm.\n\n(George escapes under his desk)\n\nKRAMER\ngot problems Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened?\n\nKRAMER\nWell I had been swimming for three hours\nand I was in a real grove so I decided\nto keep going. But at ten they start\nthe aquasonics Thirty-five geriatrics\nthrowing elbows. It was like I was swimming\nthrough a flabby armed spanking machine.\n\nJERRY\nHow long did that last?\n\nKRAMER\nA half hour then diving class started.\nWell... that got a little messy. I gotta\nfind a new place to swim 'cause that\npooll can't hold me, Jerry.\n\n(Elaine enters)\n\nJERRY\nHow was the movie?\n\nELAINE\nI cancelled. Hal sent a mattress to\nmy apartment. The nerve of that guy.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nELAINE\nHe's got a back problem.\n\nJERRY\nSo you think he was expecting a roll\nin the supportive hay.\n\nELAINE\nAfter one date!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat's that guy's last name again?\n\nELAINE\nKitzmiller.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, that's right.\n\nJERRY\nSo what are you going to do with the\nmattress?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know. Chuck it?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, no no no no I'll take it. Why don't\nyou come over. Let's see if it will\nfit in my bedroom.\n\nELAINE\nOh, all right.\n\nKRAMER\nMy old one sprung a leak.\n\nELAINE\nYou have a water bed?\n\nKRAMER\nSand! It's like sleeping on the beach.\n\nenters)\n\nCONRAD\nHi, Jerry I'm sorry I'm late. George\nand I have been up working all night\nlong. I can make up the time in any\nnumber of ways.\n\nJERRY\nHow about this? ... Finish this thing\nup today!\n\nCONRAD\nCouple of questions for you.\n\nJERRY\nNo. No more questions. Just figure it\nout for yourself and get it done.\n\nCONRAD\nAll right Jerry. But I can figure it\nout myself any way you want.\n\nJERRY\nJust ... do it.\n\n(Jerry exits)\n\n(George's office)\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nCostanza? Where's Costanza? ... Excus\u00e9\nmois? Have you seen Costanza?\n\nSECRETARY\nI've seen him around.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nUm, I'm stuck on this song yesterday.\nI can't seem to get it out of my head.\nI don't know the name of that. \"She's\na heart breaker, love taker ....Oh.\nOh\" ...very catchy. You know what?\nI can't stay awake for that guy. What\nis this? People? Um, the most beautiful\npeople people. Ally Selica, Nothing\nwrong with that uh?\n\n(Monks)\n\nHAL\nElaine, your taking this totally the\nwrong way. That's not what Ii intended.\n\nELAINE\nWell, what did you intend, Hal?\n\nHAL\nI just wanted you to have the comfort\nand report you deserve. That's why I\nhad the mattress custom designed for\nyou.\n\nELAINE\nCustom designed?\n\nHAL\nThey adjust the foam density and spring\ntension to your body type. I estimated\nyour height and weight. Five eight,\nabout 110 pounds?\n\nELAINE\nUh, that is the nicest thing anyone\nhas ever done for me.\n\nHAL\nSo you do like the mattress?\n\nELAINE\nOh, I love it. I'm glad ... I kept\nit.\n\n(East River)\n\nFATHER\nOver there, that's Brooklyn . That's\nwhere Spike Lee lives.\n\nSON\nHey, there's a man swimming in the water.\n\nFATHER\nNaw, that's probably just a dead body\nson. You see when the mob kills someone\nthey through the body in the river.\n\n(Jerry's hall)\n\nKRAMER\nJer.\n\nJERRY\nHi.\n\nKRAMER\nWell my swimming pool problems are solved.\nI just found myself miles and miles\nof open lanes.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is that smell?\n\nKRAMER\nThat's East River.\n\nJERRY\nYou're swimming in the East River? The\nmost heavily trafficked overly contaminated\nwaterway on the eastern seaboard?\n\nKRAMER\nTechnically Norfolk has more gross tonnage.\n\nJERRY\nHow could you swim in that water?\n\nKRAMER\nI saw a couple of other guys out there.\n\nJERRY\nSwimming?\n\nKRAMER\nFloating, they weren't moving much.\nBut they were out there.\n\n(Jerry's apartment)\n\nJerry looks around the new renovation.\n\n(Elaine's)\n\nELAINE\n(on phone) Hey, Kramer, it's Elaine,\nthanks for bringing my mattress back.\nAnd I guess I'll just get my spare key\nfrom you - whenever. All right, bye.\n\nELAINE\nOh, this is a good mattress. Sniff,\nsniff, Ugh!\n\n(George's Office)\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nWhat is with this guy? I've been waiting\nthree and a half hours. Should I go?\nNo way Jack! ??? at the registrar again,\nI'll tell you that.\n\nSECONRAD\nMr. Steinbrenner?\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nThat's what they call me.\n\nSECONRAD\nYour grandchildren are here to see you.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nOh, well, send them in. Send the little\ntykes in. ... little people .. pony express\n... wow,\n\n(Jerry's)\n\nJERRY\n(on phone) hello.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, I'm trapped under my desk. Steinbrenner\nis in the room. You got to help( me.\n\nJERRY\nWho is this?\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, ...\n\nXX\nHi,\n\nGEORGE\nSh, sh, goodbye, sh, get away.\n\nXX\nHi, I'm Brady.\n\nGEORGE\n?? get away??\n\nJERRY\nWhy don't you just have him paged?\n\nGEORGE\nCan't you think of something. Call in\na bomb threat.\n\nJERRY\nA bomb threat? Why would I call in a\nbomb threat?\n\nGEORGE\nJust CALL!\n\nJERRY\nI should have some reason.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nHey you kids know tunes; see if this\nsong rinSTEINBRENNER a bell, \"Heartbreaker\n, ... \"\n\nSECONRAD\nMr. Steinbrenner we just received a\ncall. There's a bomb in the building.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nA bomb in the building, oh, m'god. Quick,\neveryone under the desk.\n\n(Steinbrenner's office)\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nBoy can you think of what went through\nmy mind when I saw there wasn't going\nto be enough room under that desk for\nme and my babies.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm sorry sir.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nYou know what I think? I think you knew\nabout that bomb ahead of time.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nSTEINBRENNER\n???? about that bomb. You climbed under\nthat desk because you have ESP. George,\nwhat's on my mind? ... Meatballs!\nHuh? Unbelievable. Anyway this terrorist\nhad a specific demand. Not more cheap\nadjustable hats on hat day. He wants\nfitted hats just like the players wear.\n\n(Jerry's new renovated apartment)\n\nELAINE\nJerry, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nWhat the hell is this? Where are you?\n\nJERRY\nOver here. You can see right through\nhere.\n\nELAINE\nWhat is this. It's like you're selling\nmovie tickets back here.\n\nJERRY\nIt's kind of cozy.\n\nELAINE\nHey, you're not going to believe what\nKramer did to my mattress... . I can't\ntalk to you like this. So Kramer completely\nfunked up my mattress.\n\nJERRY\nDoes it smell like the East River?\n\nELAINE\nHow did you know?\n\nJERRY\nBecause Kramer has been swimming laps\nbetween the Queensborough bridge and\nthe Brooklyn bridge.\n\nELAINE\nOh, GREAT!\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nOh man, I'm on the wrong floor again.\n\nELAINE\nHey, thanks for ruining my mattress.\nIt reeks.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, you know what I think it is? I\nthink it's that East River. I think\nit might be polluted.\n\n(George enters)\n\nGEORGE\nWell, you really did it to me this time,\nSeinfeld... . What the hell happened\nhere?\n\nELAINE\nHi.\n\nGEORGE\nHi. Look at how obtrusive this is.\n\nELAINE\nIt is obtrusive, isn't it?\n\nKRAMER\nIt is very obtrusive.\n\nJERRY\nI don't think it's that bad.\n\nKRAMER\nYou can't get a stool in here.\n\nJERRY\nNo the stools go over there.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, that's no good. I'm leaving.\n\nELAINE\nI'm with you. I'm going back to my place.\n\nGEORGE\nFitted Hat Day! That's what you asked\nSteinbrenner for?\n\nJERRY\nYou mean they're actually doing the\nfitted hats? Cool.\n\nGEORGE\nGuess who he put in charge of Fitted\nHat Day? Me.\n\nJERRY\nHey look at you.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, look at me. Now I GOTTA FIGURE\nOUT THE HAT SIZES OF 59,000 DIFFERENT\nPEOPLE!! WHAT IF A PINHEAD SHOWS UP.\nI GOTTA BE ON TOP OF THAT.\n\nJERRY\nNo knock offs. I want the ones like\nthe real players wear.\n\nGEORGE\n??? KNOCK OFFS. I NOT GOING TO DO IT!\nAND YOU'RE GOING TO CALL STEINBRENNER\nBACK AND CANCEL THE WHOLE THING.\n\nJERRY\nCould you at least get a hat for me?\n\nGEORGE\nFINE? WHAT SIZE?\n\nJERRY\nSeven and five eighths\n\nGEORGE\nSEVEN AND FIVE EIGHTHS!!\n\nJERRY\nWhy are you shouting?\n\nGEORGE\nI DON'T KNOW. It's this place. I'm very\nuncomfortable here.\n\n(Elaine's)\n\nHAL\nSo are you liking the mattress?\n\nELAINE\nI am totally loving it. Uh, you know\n... we should um ... get going.\n\nHAL\nWhat is that smell?\n\nELAINE\nWhat smell?\n\nHAL\nI think it's the mattress. Did something\nhappen to it.\n\nELAINE\nNo no, oh, you know what that is? I\num, went claming the other day and I\nforgot to hose off my boots.\n\nHAL\nClaming?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, clam and scallop. I clam and scallop.\n\n(Steinbrenner's office)\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nYes, yes, come in.\n\nGEORGE\nSir, I just got a call from the terrorist.\nI told him to call back here.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nJust let me ask you something. Is it\n\"February\" or \" February\"? Because I\nprefer \"Febuary\" and what is this \"ru\"?\n\n(phone rinSTEINBRENNER)\n\nGEORGE\nLet me put that on speaker phone.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nHello are you the bomber?\n\nJERRY\nYes this is the terrorist bomber.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nCostanza here is busting his ass on\nthose hats.\n\nJERRY\nthink I've changed my mind.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nYou don't want them, then goodbye.\n\nGEORGE\n??? sir.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nWell what do you want instead?\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nWell, you're the terrorist. You're going\nto want something.\n\nJERRY\nI guess it would be nice if you called\nall the ticket holders if the game was\ngoing to be rained out.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nAll right George, you can handle that.\n\n(George hanSTEINBRENNER up phone)\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nCostanza what the hell are you doing?\n\nGEORGE\nYou have to stand tough sir. That's\nwhy I had to hang up the phone.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nYou know what I'm going to do? I'm going\nto run around the stadium and close\nall the windows. That's where I'm going,\npal. And I'll tell you something else.\nI'm very nervous.\n\n(On the street)\n\nELAINE\nGotta get some of that stuffed crust\npizza. cheese crust pizza.\n\nHAL\nIt's just more cheese.\n\nELAINE\nI'll tell you something. It'll be years\nbefore they find places to hide more\ncheese on a pizza. Kramer!\n\nKRAMER\nOh, hey,\n\nELAINE\nOh, hi. This is Hal. Hal, this is Kramer.\nKramer, Hal.\n\nKRAMER\nHal, .. uh Langerhans.\n\nHAL\nKitzmiller.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, Kitzmiller. That's right\n\nELAINE\nYou feeling jiff?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I'm jiff.\n\nHAL\nThat smell...\n\nKRAMER\nOh, listen I gotta get to the pier.\nThe ferry traffic is really bad around\nfour thirty. Look, I still got the key\nto your apartment and I'll get it back\nto you as soon as I can.\n\nELAINE\nOh, baby.\n\n(Under George's desk)\n\n(alarm clock)\n\nGEORGE\nLunch.\n\n(At the river)\n\nHAL\nKramer? Can I talk to you a minute?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, sure, um, oh boy, ...\n\nHAL\nKitzmiller.\n\nKRAMER\nThat's it.\n\nHAL\nYou and Elaine are pretty close.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, we go back a ways.\n\nHAL\nAnd you've, ... how do I put this?\nYou've been in her bed?\n\nKRAMER\nThat's right.\n\nHAL\nBut this isn't still going on.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no. She put a stop to that.\n\nHAL\nThat's all I needed to know. So you\nactually swim in this thing?\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah. Exercises every muscle in the\nbody. It's great for the back.\n\nHAL\nGreat for the back. Right.\n\nKRAMER\nFour hours in this chop and I'm a full\ninch taller... . Giddyup.\n\n{George's office))\n\nSTEINBRENNER\n\"Heatbreaker, Brewbaker, ...\" Hey George,\nI remember that tune. George? George?\nUm, what's that ticking. Oh oh. Oh,\noooh,...wo wo wo wo . (runs out) fire\nin the hole!\n\n(Elaine's)\n\nELAINE\nI wouldn't believe the Lumbar Yard wouldn't\npick this up. Ug, oh, okay, ...\n\n(Jerry's)\n\nCONRAD\nYou want it back the way it was?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, that's right.\n\nCONRAD\nYou know I don't get you Seinfeld. You\nwant something one day. The next day\nyou don't like it. Come on man, make\na decision.\n\n(phone rinSTEINBRENNER)\n\nJERRY\nOne second. Hello.\n\nELAINE\nJerry you gotta help me. I threw my\nback out.\n\nJERRY\nJust lie down.\n\nELAINE\nI am lying down. I am trapped under\na funky mattress. I gotta go get a doctor\nor at least come over and roll this\nthing off of me.\n\nJERRY\nAll right. I'll be right there., Conrad\nI gotta go.\n\nCONRAD\nStay, go whatever.\n\n(At the river, Hall and more people)\n\nHAL\nHey, Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat's going on?\n\nHAL\nI told my Chiropractor how swimming\nin the river made my back heal. He recommended\nit to all his patients.\n\nOLD MAN\nStep aside.\n\nKRAMER\nHe just sunk like a stone.\n\n(Steinbrenner's office)\n\nGEORGE\nSir, I'm sure it's not a police matter.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nDon't be so sure George. Mess with them\nand they're messing with you. All right\nboys send it in\n\n(bomb disposal robot enters George's office)\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nWhat's that figure ahead? Is that anything?\nOkay, let's check the desk. That's where\nI heard the ticking. Search each one\nof those drawers starting with the top\none. So, empty calories and male curiosity,\neh, Georgie?\n\nBOMB COP\nLooks like there's more compartments\nunderneath.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nCompartments underneath, that's probably\nwhere it is. Okay boys, let 'er rip.\nI'll tell you what George. Starting\ntomorrow no more desks. Just Lucite\ntables and four leSTEINBRENNER.\n\n(East River)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, watch where you're kicking!\n\nELAINE\nKramer.\n\nKRAMER\nElaine\n\nELAINE\nI can't believe it. Hey, I'll meet you\nat the coffee shop.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\n(Jerry's)\n\nGEORGE\nHi Connie, Jerry around?\n\nCONRAD\nNo, and I prefer \"Conrad\". So I heard\nwhat happened to the desk.\n\nGEORGE\nThere was something so reassuring about\nthat cozy little space.\n\nCONRAD\nYeah, well, whatever. See ya'\n\n(Later at Jerry's)\n\n(Jerry enters)\n\nJERRY\nAh, back to normal. Not bad for four\nthousand bucks... . I can't believe\nI got the Low Fat!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Yada-Yada.html",
    "text": "THE YADA YADA\n\nWritten by\n\nPeter Mehlman & Jill Franklyn\n\n(Jerry with George and his girlfriend Marcy at Monk's.)\n\nGEORGE\nSo, Marcy, you should've seen me in\nthe hot tub yoday.\n\nMARCY\nWhy?\n\nGEORGE\nI was naked.\n\nMARCY\nOh, George.\n\nJERRY\nI saw it.\n\nMARCY\nHow'd he look?\n\nJERRY\nOkay. I wouldn't see it again.\n\nMARCY\nYou know, a friend of mine thought she\ngot Legonare's disease in the hot tub.\n\nGEORGE\nReally? What happened?\n\nMARCY\nOh, yada yada yada, just some bad egg\nsalad. I'll be right back. (She gets\nup)\n\nJERRY\nI noticed she's big on the phrase \"yada\nyada.\"\n\nGEORGE\nIs \"yada yada\" bad?\n\nJERRY\nNo, \"yada yada\" is good. She's very\nsuccinct.\n\nGEORGE\nShe is succinct.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, it's like you're dating USA Today.\n(Tim the dentist enters Monk's)\n\nGEORGE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey, George, you know Tim Whatley.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, dentist of the stars.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's up?\n\nTIM\nI'll tell you what's up. I'm a Jew.\n\nJERRY\nExcuse me?\n\nTIM\nI'm a Jew. I finished converting two\ndays ago.\n\nJERRY\nWell... (Thinking of something to say)\nWelcome aboard.\n\nTIM\nThanks.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, where you just at the health club?\n\nTIM\nOh, well, I didn't do much. I just sat\nin the sauna. You know, it was more\nlike a Jewish workout. I'll see ya.\n(Jerry and George give confused looks)\n\nJERRY\nElaine, the guy's Jewish two days, he's\nalready making Jewish jokes.\n\nELAINE\nSo what? When someone turns twenty-one,\nthey usually get drunk the first night.\n\nJERRY\nBooze is not a religion.\n\nELAINE\nTell that to my father. Anyway, guess\nwhat? Beth Lookner called me.\n\nJERRY\nOoh. Beth Lookner, still waitin' out\nhat marriage.\n\nELAINE\nWhat are you talking about? That marriage\nended six months ago. She's already\nremarried.\n\nJERRY\nI gotta get on that internet. I'm late\non everything.\n\nELAINE\nAnyway, Beth and her new husband Arnie\nhave listed me a reference for an adoption\nagency. They're trying to get a baby.\n(Kramer and Mickey enter wearing the\nsame shirt)\n\nKRAMER\nElaine, all right, who looks better\nin this shirt? Me or Mickey?\n\nMICKEY\nWe're double dating tonight, and if\nwe wear the same shirt we'll look like\nidiots.\n\nELAINE\nHmm, turn around. (They turn around)\nBoth so striking.\n\nKRAMER\nTell me about it. We just picked up\ntwo women at the Gap.\n\nELAINE\nHow did you decide which one of you\nwould date which girl? (They pause then\nlook at each other)\n\nMARCY\nSo I'm on 3rd Avenue, mindin' my own\nbusiness, and, yada yada yada, I get\na free massage and a facial.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat a succinct story.\n\nMARCY\nI'm surprised you drive a Cadillac.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, it's not mine. It's my mother's.\n\nMARCY\nAre you close with your parents?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, they gave birth to me, and, yada\nyada...\n\nMARCY\nYada what?\n\nGEORGE\nYada yada yada...\n\nKAREN\n(To Mickey, wearing the shirt Elaine\nlooked at for them) I like your shirt.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you too seem to have the same\ntaste.\n\nJULIE\nWell I like it, too.\n\nKRAMER\nWell I have the same shirt.\n\nMICKEY\nYeah, well I'm wearin' it.\n\nJULIE\nI like your shirt too.\n\nKAREN\nOh, so do I.\n\nKRAMER\nOh. (Waiter approaches table)\n\nWAITER\nAnything to drink? Some wine, perhaps.\n\nMICKEY\nI like Merlot.\n\nKAREN\nI love Merlot.\n\nJULIE\nI'm crazy about Merlot.\n\nKRAMER\nI live for Merlot.\n\nWAITER\nWe're out of Merlot.\n\nAGENT\nSo you, uh, know Betha and Arnie pretty\nwell?\n\nELAINE\nOh, yeah, yeah.\n\nAGENT\nDo you socialize with them often?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, we got out to dinner a lot. Usually\nChinese, well sometimes Thai. And we\ngo to the movies, Arnie's a real film\nbuff.\n\nAGENT\nOh.\n\nELAINE\nActually, I remember this one time,\num, this is funny. Um, we went to see\nthe movie Striptease. I don't know if\nyou've seen... doesn't matter. Anyway,\nI was whispering something to Beth,\nand Arnie leens over to me, and he goes,\n\"Would you SHUT UP?!\" I mean, he barely\neven knew me. Where did he get ah--\nBut they're nice people. (Elaine tries\nto smile realizing her mistake)\n\nGEORGE\nOh, you're in here.\n\nJERRY\nWhat're you doing here?\n\nGEORGE\nI knew you had an appointment.\n\nJERRY\nWell this is very awkward.\n\nGEORGE\nI'll leave when the guy comes in. I\ngotta tell you, I am loving this yada\nyada thing. You know, I can cross over\nmy whole life story. (Picks up dental\ntool)\n\nJERRY\nHey, you don't play with that. That's\ngoing in my mouth.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, what this thing? Whew!\n\nJERRY\nAll right, that's enough. Now get going.\nGet outta here. (Tim and his staff enter)\n\nGEORGE\nHey, Tim. Quick question. Is it normal\nfor your teeth to make noises, like\na hissing or a chirping?\n\nJERRY\nGeorge...\n\nTIM\nUm...\n\nGEORGE\nFine, I'll make an appointment. (He\nleaves)\n\nTIM\nAll right, it is cavity time. Ah, here\nwe go. Which reminds me, did you here\nthe one about the rabbi and the farmer's\ndaughter? Huh?\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nTIM\nThose aren't mahtzah balls.\n\nJERRY\nTim, do you think you should be making\njokes like that?\n\nTIM\nWhy not? I'm Jewish, remember?\n\nJERRY\nI know, but...\n\nTIM\nJerry, it's our sense of humor that\nsustained us as a people for 3000 years.\n\nJERRY\n5000.\n\nTIM\n5000, even better. Okay, Chrissie. Give\nme a schtickle of flouride.\n\nJERRY\nAnd then he asked the assistant for\na schtickle of flouride.\n\nELAINE\nWhy are you so concerned about this?\n\nJERRY\nI'll tell you why. Because I believe\nWhatley converted to Judaism just for\nthe jokes. (Phone rings)\n\nPHONE\nWould you be interested in a subscription\nto the New York Times?\n\nJERRY\nYes. (Slams down phone. Kramer and Mickey\nenter)\n\nKRAMER\nI don't believe that.\n\nMICKEY\nIf you had gotten into the backseat\nof the car we could've figured this\nwhole thing out.\n\nKRAMER\nWhy were you holding the door open for?\n\nMICKEY\nNot for you! Who holds a door open for\na man?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I thought it was a nice gesture.\nBut I guess I was wrong!\n\nMICKEY\nLet's just put they're names in a hat.\n\nKRAMER\nI don't even know their names! Look,\nwhy don't you just take the one that\nwas on the left?\n\nMICKEY\nI'm not sure she was my type.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, everybody's your type.\n\nMICKEY\nWhat the hell does that mean?\n\nKRAMER\nYou've been married three times.\n\nMICKEY\nThat's it, it's go time! (Charges toward\nKramer, only to be held back by Jerry\nand Elaine)\n\nJERRY\nAll right, take it easy.\n\nELAINE\nHey, hey, hey!\n\nKRAMER\nCome on, let him go. You want throw?\nLet's throw!\n\nELAINE\nHey! Hold on a second. All right, look,\nI got an idea. Why don't you just show\nup early for your next date, sit across\nfrom each other, and see who the girls\nsit next to.\n\nMICKEY\nThat's not bad.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, so we let the girls decide.\n\nMICKEY\nYeah, why should we knock ourselves\nout?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I wanna wear that shirt next time.\n\nMICKEY\nNo, no one wears the shirt next time.\n\nKRAMER\nThat's right, 'cause they already saw\nit.\n\nMICKEY\nWe'll look like idiots. (They exit)\n\nGEORGE\nWell, we were engaged to be married,\nuh, we bought the wedding invitations,\nand, uh, yada yada yada, I'm still single.\n\nMARCY\nSo what's she doing now?\n\nGEORGE\nYada.\n\nMARCY\nSpeaking of ex's, my old boyfriend came\nover late last night, and, yada yada\nyada, anyway. I'm really tired today.\n\nELAINE\nBeth, Arnie, hi. What's up?\n\nARNIE\nWell our adoption application was denied.\n\nELAINE\nReally.\n\nBETH\nThe adoption agent seems to feel that\nArnie has a violent temper.\n\nELAINE\nOh.\n\nBETH\nSo we're just asking our friends what\nthey may have said to the adoption agent.\n\nELAINE\nUh, you know, I just told them what\nkind people you are and, uh, yada yada\nyada, that is it.\n\nJERRY\nHow you doing?\n\nFATHER\nI have a discomfort in my molar. (Enter\nTim)\n\nTIM\nWell, the Curtis, why don't you come\nin? (To Jerry) Father Curtis, good guy.\nOh, which reminds me, did you hear the\none about the Pope and Raquel Welch\non the lifeboat, huh? I'll tell you\nlater. (Exits)\n\nJERRY\nWhatley. (Like \"Newman\")\n\nKRAMER\nWhat are they doing here?\n\nMICKEY\nI told you we should've gotten here\na half hour early.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, all right. Now what're we\ngonna do?\n\nMICKEY\nAll right, don't panic. Let's just decide\nnow. Which one do you want?\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, I'll take Julie.\n\nMICKEY\nI knew you wanted her. That's who I\nwanted.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, I'll take Karen.\n\nMICKEY\nNo, no, you think I'm fallin' for that?\nI'll take Karen.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, which one is Julie? (They\nwalk over to the table and fight over\nwho sits where) Hey, you ladies look\nlovely tonight. (Continue to struggle)\n\nJERRY\nSo Whatley sayd to me, \"Hey, I can make\nCatholic jokes, I used to be Catholic.\"\n\nELAINE\nYou see, I don't think it is a Catholic\njoke. I think it's more of a Raquel\nWelch joke. What was it? No, I said\nhand me the buoys. (Laughing) Bouys!\n\nJERRY\nDon't you see what Whatley is after?\nTotal joke telling immunity. He's already\ngot the two big religions covered, if\nhe ever gets Polish citizenship there'll\nbe no stopping him.\n\nELAINE\nSo what're you gonna do?\n\nJERRY\nI think this Father Curtis might be\nvery interested to hear what Whatley\nhas the Pope doing with Raquel Welch.\n\nELAINE\n(Calling on phone) Hey, Beth, Arnie,\nit's Elaine. Um, thought you guys might\nwanna have lunch. Gimme a call. Bye.\n\nJERRY\nThey're not getting a baby so you're\ntaking them out to lunch?\n\nELAINE\nThought it would be nice.\n\nJERRY\nPoor Beth.\n\nELAINE\nHey, Arnie's just as upset.\n\nJERRY\nOh screw him! (George enters)\n\nGEORGE\nListen to this. Marcy comes up and she\ntells me her ex-boyfriend was over late\nlast night, and \"yada yada yada, I'm\nreally tired today.\" You don't think\nshe yada yada'd sex.\n\nELAINE\n(Raising hand) I've yada yada'd sex.\n\nGEORGE\nReally?\n\nELAINE\nYeah. I met this lawyer, we went out\nto dinner, I had the lobster bisk, we\nwent back to my place, yada yada yada,\nI never heard from him again.\n\nJERRY\nBut you yada yada'd over the best part.\n\nELAINE\nNo, I mentioned the bisk.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I gotta do somethin'. (Walks over\nto bathroom. Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I gotta do somethin'.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge is already in there.\n\nKRAMER\n(Confused) No, Mickey and I, we can't\nwork it out. You know, I'm thinking\nof asking that Karen out by myself.\n\nJERRY\nI thought you were leaning towards Julie.\n\nKRAMER\nI was, but the one I thought was Julie\nturned out to be Karen.\n\nGEORGE\nWell it was a helluva yada yada.\n\nMARCY\nHe's moving to Seattle. We wanted to\nsay goodbye, I was just getting out\nof the shower, and yada yada yada--\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, enough! Enough! From now\non, no more yada yada's. Just give me\nthe full story.\n\nMARCY\nOkay.\n\nGEORGE\nTell me about the free facial.\n\nMARCY\nOkay, well, like I said I was on 3rd\nAvenue, and I stopped by a large department\nstore.\n\nGEORGE\nWhich one?\n\nMARCY\nBloomingdale's.\n\nGEORGE\nVery good. Go on.\n\nMARCY\nOh, and I stole a Piaget watch.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's that?\n\nMARCY\nAnd then, I was on such a... high, that\nI went upstairs to the salon on the\nfifth floor, and got a massage and facial,\nand skipped out on the bill.\n\nGEORGE\nShoplifting.\n\nMARCY\nWell, what about you? You told me that\nyou were engaged. What was the rest\nof that? (Pause)\n\nJERRY\nExcuse me, Mother?\n\nNUN\nSister.\n\nJERRY\nSister, right. Do you know when Father\nCurtis has office hours?\n\nNUN\nWell not until tomorrow.\n\nJERRY\nHmm, I really need to speak with him.\n\nFATHER\nThat's a kneeler.\n\nJERRY\nOh. (Adjusts accordingly)\n\nFATHER\nTell me your sins, my son.\n\nJERRY\nWell I should tell you that I'm Jewish.\n\nFATHER\nThat's no sin.\n\nJERRY\nOh good. Anyway, I wanted to talk to\nyou about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion\nthat he's converted to Judaism just\nfor the jokes.\n\nFATHER\nAnd this offends you as a Jewish person.\n\nJERRY\nNo, it offends me as a comedian. And\nit'll interest you that he's also telling\nCatholic jokes.\n\nFATHER\nWell.\n\nJERRY\nAnd they're old jokes. I mean, the Pope\nand Raquel Welch in a lifeboat.\n\nFATHER\nI haven't heard that one.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I'm sure you have. They're out on\nthe ocean and, yada yada yada, and she\nsays, \"Those aren't buoys.\" (Father\nstarts laughing) Father...\n\nFATHER\nOne second... Well, if it would make\nyou feel better I could speak to Dr.\nWhatley. I have to go back and have\na wisdom teeth removed.\n\nJERRY\nYou know the difference between a dentist\nand a sadist don't you?\n\nFATHER\nUm...\n\nJERRY\nNewer magazines.\n\nFATHER\nNow if you'll excuse me. (Closes door.\nGeorge enters confessional.)\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, I gotta talk to you.\n\nKRAMER\nHi.\n\nKAREN\nHi, Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nGot a minute?\n\nKAREN\nUh, actually my parents are over, but,\nwould you like to meet them?\n\nKRAMER\nSure.\n\nKAREN\n(Parents enter and are little people\nlike Mickey) Mom, Dad.\n\nKRAMER\nHi.\n\nARNIE\nElaine, I have to ask you something.\nWhat exactly happened down there?\n\nELAINE\nWell, I don't know. I mean, I talked\nto him and, blah blah blah, he asked\nabout you guys and, da da da da da,\nmore questions, bleh bleh bleh....\n\nARNIE\nAll right, shut up!\n\nELAINE\nAgain you are telling me to shut up?\n\nARNIE\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nYou yelled that time at the movies.\nThat's why you're not getting the baby.\n\nARNIE\nOh my God. How am I gonna tell Beth?\n\nELAINE\nLook, I'll go down and talk to this\nadoption guy and I'll make sure that\nit all gets worked out.\n\nARNIE\nAll right, just don't screw it up this\ntime! (He exits)\n\nELAINE\nSee, again with the yelling. Not a fan\nof the yelling.\n\nJERRY\n(In pain) Oh, are you about done?\n\nTIM\nI'm just getting warmed up. Because\nI'm just a sadist with newer magazines.\n\nJERRY\nHuh?\n\nTIM\nFather Curtis told me about your little\njoke.\n\nJERRY\nWhat about all your Jewish jokes?\n\nTIM\nI'm Jewish, you're not a dentist. You\nhave no idea what my people have been\nthrough.\n\nJERRY\nThe Jews?\n\nTIM\nNo, the dentists. You know, we have\nthe highest suicide rate of any profession?\n\nJERRY\nIs that why it's so hard to get an appointment?\n\nKRAMER\nSo, I'll uh... all right. (Hangs up)\n\nJERRY\nDate with Karen?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, Julie. She's the one.\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened to Karen?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, Mickey and her have a lot more\nin common. you know her parents are\nlittle people?\n\nJERRY\nOh, small world. So little people can\nhave not little people children?\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah, and vice versa. Mother Nature's\na mad scientist, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nSo you won't believe what happened with\nWhatley today. It got back to hime that\nI made this little dentist joke and\nhe got all offended. Those people can\nbe so touchy.\n\nKRAMER\nThose people, listen to yourself.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nYou think that dentists are so different\nfrom me and you? They came to this country\njust like everybody else, in search\nof a dream.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, he's just a dentist.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, and you're an anti-dentite.\n\nJERRY\nI am not an anti-dentite!\n\nKRAMER\nYou're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it\nstarts with a few jokes and some slurs.\n\"Hey, denty!\" Next thing you know you're\nsaying they should have their own schools.\n\nJERRY\nThey do have their own schools!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah!\n\nELAINE\nOne little baby, whatever you have in\nstock.\n\nAGENT\nMiss Benes...\n\nELAINE\nLook it, look it, Ryan. These people\nare gettin' a baby. Period. Now we can\ndo this the easy way, or we can do this\nthe fun way.\n\nBETH\nJerry, I'm sorry to bother you, but\nyou always said you'd be there for me.\n\nJERRY\nWell, what's wrong?\n\nBETH\nI'm thinking of leaving Arnie.\n\nJERRY\nTalk to me.\n\nBETH\nHe met with Elaine, and I asked him\nwhat happened, and he yada yada'd me.\nI mean, could he be having an affair?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I wouldn't put anything past anybody.\n\nBETH\nBut we just got married.\n\nJERRY\nWell obviously that was a mistake. You\nneed to forget about Arnie. The important\nthing is you're moving on.\n\nBETH\nWhy would Elaine do that to me?\n\nJERRY\nForget about Elaine. Let's just focus\non us. Come on, big hug. (Mickey and\nKaren enter)\n\nMICKEY\nHey Jerry. Where's Kramer? I've got\nexciting news.\n\nJERRY\nI'm kinda in the middle of something.\n\nMICKEY\nKaren and I are getting married.\n\nJERRY\nOh, congratulations. Her marriage just\nfell apart.\n\nMICKEY\n(To Beth) How many is that for you?\n\nBETH\nTwo.\n\nMICKEY\nYou're a lightweight. Come on, honey.\n\nELAINE\nHey Jerry. What are you doing here with\nBeth?\n\nJERRY\nBeth and Arnie broke up.\n\nELAINE\nSo they don't want a baby?\n\nJERRY\n(Shaking his head no) Pff.\n\nELAINE\n(Realizes her mistake) I think I'm gonna\nbe sick. (George enters alone)\n\nJERRY\nHey, where's Marcy?\n\nGEORGE\nShe, uh, went shopping for some shoes\nfor the wedding and, yada yada yada,\nI'll see her in six to eight months.\n(Kramer and Julie enter)\n\nJERRY\nHey, Kramer, over here.\n\nKRAMER\nI just assume not sit next to you.\n\nJERRY\nKramer... Oh look, there's Mickey and\nhis parents.\n\nELAINE\nNice looking family.\n\nJERRY\nVery handsome.\n\nKRAMER\n(To Mr. Abbott) How ya doing?\n\nMR. ABBOTT\nHey Kramer.\n\nJULIE\nOh Mickey. Excuse me, I can't take this.\n(She exits quickly)\n\nJERRY\nHi, Mr. Abbott.\n\nMR. ABBOTT\nThat's Dr. Abbott, D.D.S. Tim Whatley\nwas one of my students. And if this\nwasn't my son's wedding day, I'd knock\nyou teeth out you anti-dentite bastard.\n\nBETH\nWhat was that all about?\n\nJERRY\nOh, I said something about dentists\nand it got blown all out of proportion.\n\nBETH\nHey, what do you call a doctor who fails\nout of med school?\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nBETH\nA dentist. (They laugh)\n\nJERRY\nThat's a good one. Dentists.\n\nBETH\nYeah, who needs 'em? Not to mention\nthe Blacks and the Jews. (Jerry fakes\na smile)\n\nELAINE\nWhere's Beth?\n\nJERRY\nShe went out to get her head shaved.\n\nFATHER\nWe are gathered her today to unite this\ncouple in holy... matrimony.\n\nJERRY\nThose wisdom teeth are tough to get\nout.\n\nFATHER\nMarriage is not an intervention to be\nentered lightly... Yada yada yada, I\npronounce you man and wife. (They kiss,\nwalk toward exit)\n\nKAREN\n(To Kramer) I really wanted you.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Millennium.html",
    "text": "THE MILLENNIUM\n\nWritten by\n\nJennifer Crittenden\n\n(Putumayo)\n\nInside a store full of ethnic merchandise. Elaine is examining\nsome sort of\n\nfootwear, while behind the counter Gladys is on the phone.\n\nELAINE\nUh, excuse me.\n\nGLADYS\nBe with you in a minute. (turns her\nback to Elaine and continues into\n\nphone) No, you shoulda come last night, it was fun.\n\nELAINE\nUhm, I just have a question.\n\nGLADYS\n(into phone) I know, the margaritas\nin that place are so strong.\n\nELAINE\n(walks up to counter) Helloo? I'd like\nto buy these hirachis.\n\nGLADYS\n(into phone) So? What else is goin'\non?\n\nELAINE\n(shouts) HEY!!\n\nGLADYS\nListen, I'll call you back. (to Elaine)\nYes? What can I do for you?\n\nELAINE\n(tosses the hirachis onto the counter)\nNothing. You, just lost a\n\ncustomer.\n\nElaine stalks to the door, but ruins her exit by trying to push\nopen a door she\n\nshould pull.\n\n(Valerie's Apartment)\n\nJerry, pulling on his jacket, and Valerie preparing to leave.\n\nVALERIE\nReady to go? I don't wanna miss the\npreviews.\n\nJERRY\nMe neither. I love the previews. In\nfact I enjoy being in the theatre cut\n\nup(?). Last week after a preview, I yelled out 'Must miss'.\n\nVALERIE\nI think that I was in that theatre.\nThat, that was really funny.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, it got a good laugh. Let me just\ncheck my messages before we go.\n\nValerie heads toward the door. Jerry sits by the phone, lifts\nthe receiver and\n\nprepares to dial. As he does so, he notices button '07' on the\nspeed-dial is\n\nmarked 'JERRY'. He looks surprised and pleased together.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry and George stood talking.\n\nGEORGE\nSo you're on the speed dial?\n\nJERRY\nAfter two dates!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat number?\n\nJERRY\nSeven.\n\nGEORGE\nWha! You know, it's a pain to change\nthat. You gotta lift up that\n\nplastic thing with a pen.\n\nThe door opens and Kramer enters. He's carrying a couple of folding\nchairs in\n\neach hand.\n\nKRAMER\nUh, hey buddy.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKramer carries the chairs across the room.\n\nKRAMER\nIt all right if I keep these here for\na while? I'm having a New Year's Eve\n\nparty.\n\nJERRY\nYou're gonna keep these here for eight\nmonths?!\n\nKramer props the chairs up against a wall.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, Jerry. New Year's Eve nineteen ninety-nine.\nThe millennium. I told\n\nyou about that.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, you're gonna leave these chairs\nhere for two and a half years?!\n\nKRAMER\nYou're not gonna see 'em. I got a case\nof party poppers I'm gonna keep\n\nin front of 'em.\n\nKramer exits. George has taken one of the chairs, unfolded it,\nand is sat with\n\nhis feet up on the back of the couch, hands behind his head.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, so get this. I get a call this\nmorning from one of the Mets front\n\noffice guys. They wanna take me out to lunch.\n\nJERRY\nWhat for?\n\nGEORGE\n(smiling) I'm on a winning ball club,\nJerry. They probably wanna pick my\n\nbrains.\n\nJERRY\nReally, why d'you think they're taking\nyou out to lunch?\n\nGEORGE\n(thoughtful) I have no idea.\n\nElaine enters, throws her bag on the table. She's in a bad mood.\n\nELAINE\nAlright, I have had it with those Mayans.\n\nJERRY\nI don't mind the Mayans.\n\nElaine gets another of the folding chairs.\n\nELAINE\n(unfolding chair) You know that store,\nPutumayo? (sits) I was trying to\n\nbuy these hirachis, right, and the saleswoman just completely\nignored me.\n\nKramer enters carrying more chairs.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat, we talking hirachis? I know a\ngreat store for hirachis.\n\nELAINE\nNo, no, not Putumayo.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no. Cinqo de Mayo. (leaving) Yeah,\nMarcellino, he turned me on to\n\nit, and he's one sixty-fourth Mayan.\n\nGEORGE\n(slightly worried) You know, I'm starting\nto get a little nervous about\n\nthis lunch.\n\nELAINE\nWhat'd you have?\n\nKramer enters again. This time he has a large bunch of multi-coloured\nballoons\n\non ribbons. He ties the bunch to Elaine's chair.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I'm gonna keep these here too,\nhuh? They'll be alright. (begins to\n\nleave)\n\nJERRY\nKramer, these balloons aren't gonna\nstay filled till New Year's!\n\nKRAMER\n(at the door) Well, those aren't for\nNew Year's. Those are my everyday\n\nballoons.\n\n(Monk's)\n\nGeorge sits in a booth. Opposite him are two guys from the Mets.\n\nMINKLER\nGeorge, we'll be blunt. The Mets need\nsomebody to head up scouting, and\n\nwe think that someone might be you.\n\nGEORGE\n(surprise) Head of scouting?\n\nMOONEY\nInterested?\n\nGEORGE\n(playing it cool) I'm still here.\n\nMINKLER\nNow, unfortunately, league rules prevent\nus from making you an offer\n\nwhile you're still under contract.\n\nMOONEY\nYou understand what we're talking about?\n\nGEORGE\nSo you're talking...\n\nMINKLER\nNo, no.\n\nMOONEY\nWe're *not* talking. We're just, talking.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, you need me to get fired.\n\nMINKLER\nWe didn't say that.\n\nMOONEY\nWe couldn't say that, because even if\nwe did...\n\nMINKLER\n...we couldn't say that we said it.\n\nMOONEY\nYou see what we're saying?\n\nGEORGE\n(jokingly) You are still paying for\nthis lunch?\n\nMINKLER\n(serious) We didn't say that.\n\n(Valerie's Apartment)\n\nValerie is sitting by her phone, having just finished some adjustment.\nJerry\n\narrives, obviously a little rushed.\n\nJERRY\nHi. Sorry I'm late. There's a lotta\nchairs and balloons in my apartment.\n\nHow 'bout I make it up to you with dinner?\n\nVALERIE\n(pointedly) Someplace nice this time?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I'm sorry about that Mongolian\nbarbecue last night. I'd heard good\n\nthings.\n\nVALERIE\n(rising) I don't know, got a two in\nZagat's.\n\nValerie rises and leaves the room. As she goes, Jerry sits beside\nthe phone.\n\nJERRY\nLemme just check my messages. (to himself)\nMaybe a nicer girl called.\n\nJerry presses the '07' button, without looking.\n\nVOICE\nHello?\n\nJERRY\nHello? Who's this?\n\nVOICE\nJane. What number did you dial?\n\nHe looks down at the speed-dial and sees button '07' now marked\n'JANE', and his\n\nname now next to '09'.\n\nJERRY\nSeven?\n\n(Putumayo)\n\nGladys is behind the counter. Through the window, Elaine can\nbe seen outside.\n\nElaine bangs on the window to get Gladys' attention.\n\nELAINE\nHey! See these? (raises her foot so\nher new hirachis can be seen) Cinqo\n\nde Mayo! Sales commission, bye-bye-o! (waves)\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry and Kramer sit at the table. Jerry reading a newspaper,\nKramer with a\n\nclipboard. George is heard outside the door.\n\nGEORGE\n(singing) Meet the Mets...\n\nGeorge enters, looking pleased with himself.\n\nGEORGE\n...meet the Mets. Come on in and greet\nthe Mets.\n\nJERRY\nGood meeting?\n\nGEORGE\nThere was no meeting. (gets one of the\nfolding chairs) But it was quite\n\na meeting. You are looking at the next director of Mets scouting.\nThe only thing\n\nis, I have to get fired from the Yankees first.\n\nJERRY\nYou can do that.\n\nGEORGE\nOf course. But I really wanna leave\nmy mark this time, you know, uh. I\n\nwanna walk away from the Yankees with people saying 'Wow! Now\nthat guy got\n\ncanned!'\n\nJERRY\nSo you want to go out in a final blaze\nof incompetence?\n\nGEORGE\nEhh. (nostalgic) Remember that summer\nat Dairy Queen where I cooled my\n\nfeet in the soft-serve machine?\n\nKRAMER\nYou think people will still be using\nnapkins in the year two-thousand?\n\nOr is this mouth-vacuum thing for real?\n\nJerry and George give Kramer a long look. Then break to continue\ntheir own\n\nconversation.\n\nJERRY\nSo, George...\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\n(rising) I had like a so-so date with\nValerie, now I'm number nine on the\n\nspeed-dial.\n\nJerry moves to the kitchen, with George following.\n\nGEORGE\nSo?\n\nJERRY\nSo? I used to be seven. I dropped two\nspots.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, she's ranking you?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, this speed-dial's like a relationship\nbarometer.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat is a barometer exactly?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's pronounced thermometer.\n\nJerry gives another look to Kramer. George raises his eyes. Kramer\nrises and\n\ncomes over to the guys.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, in the year two-thousand,\nwe'll all be on speed-dial. You'll\n\njust have to think of a person, they'll be talking to you. It'll\nbe like, wup\n\n(judders and puts his hands to his temples, as if receiving a\ncall on a 'mental\n\nphone') getting a call here.\n\nKRAMER\n(to Jerry and George) Hey, it's Newman.\n(to 'mental phone') Hey, how you\n\ndoing, Newman?\n\nJerry begins mouthing 'I'm not here' and making gestures indicating\nhe doesn't\n\nwant to talk to Newman.\n\nKRAMER\n(to 'mental phone') Oh, you wanna talk\nto Jerry?\n\nKramer leans toward Jerry, as if to allow him to use the 'mental\nphone'. Jerry\n\nthrows his arms up in exasperation.\n\n(Valerie's Apartment)\n\nJerry has just arrived and has presented Valerie with a floral\nbouquet.\n\nVALERIE\n(pleased) Oh, flowers. You didn't have\nto do that. I mean, the dinner,\n\nand the play, and the hansom cab ride.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I just wanted to... (breaks off)\nYou forgot the gift certificate to\n\nBarnes and Noble.\n\nVALERIE\nOh.\n\nJERRY\n(resumes) ...you know, make a good impression.\n\nVALERIE\nI'm gonna go put these in some water.\n\nJERRY\nI like the way you think.\n\nValerie leaves to the kitchen(?). The moment she's gone, Jerry\nrushes over to\n\nthe phone. He picks it up to read the list of names on the speed-dial,\nand finds\n\nhimself promoted to the '01' button.\n\nJERRY\nOh my God! Number one!! Seinfeld, you\nmagnificent bastard!\n\n(Yankees Boardroom(?))\n\nWilhelm and some others are sitting around the big table. George\nis sitting\n\ndown. He's wearing an old-fashioned baseball jersey. On the table\nin front of\n\nhim, he places a large paper bag.\n\nGEORGE\nSorry I'm late, but look what I found\nin the Yankee Hall of Pride\n\ndisplay case.\n\nWILHELM\nIsn't that Babe Ruth's uniform?\n\nGEORGE\nIs it? (reaches into bag)\n\nWilhelm looks disturbed by George's actions.\n\nGEORGE\nHuh, strawberries, anyone? (eats a strawberry)\nAh, that's good. Ooh,\n\njuicy this time of year.\n\nHe wipes strawberry juice from his fingers onto Babe Ruth's jersey.\n\nGEORGE\nGotta get the good ones.\n\nHe fetches another over-ripe strawberry from the bag, and drops\nit onto the\n\nfront of the jersey leaving a pulpy stain.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, that's bad. That's bad.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nKramer sits at the table with his clipboard.\n\nKRAMER\nSo Jerry, my millennium party's really\ncoming together. Will people be\n\nable to breathe underwater in the year two-thousand?\n\nJERRY\nSome of us.\n\nKRAMER\n(crumpling a piece of paper) I don't\nwanna exclude anybody.\n\nElaine enters. She is festooned with Mayan goods. All her clothes,\nbag,\n\nearrings, everything.\n\nJERRY\nHola.\n\nELAINE\nShove it!\n\nJERRY\nWhat is all this?\n\nELAINE\nI got all this junk at Cinqo de Mayo,\nbecause I was trying to show\n\nPutumayo how much business they'd lost. I mean, I been dancing\n(demonstrates\n\ndance) and strutting in front of their store for two days.\n\nJERRY\nAh, no wonder we're getting so much\nrain.\n\nKRAMER\nElaine, I'm having a millennium party,\nso save the date.\n\nELAINE\nHey, you know what? Newman sent me an\ninvitation already, to his party.\n\nElaine fishes in her bag for the invite.\n\nKRAMER\nNewman?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nElaine hands her invite to Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\n(reads) Come celebrate the millennium,\nwith Newmanniun. Newman!\n\n(Jerry's Car)\n\nJerry has stopped to pick someone up. A woman climbs into the\npassenger side.\n\nJERRY\nHi Valerie.\n\nThe woman turns to face him.\n\nJERRY\nYou're not Valerie.\n\nMRS HAMILTON\nI'm her step-mother. Drive.\n\nJerry does as he's told and sets off down the street.\n\nMRS HAMILTON\nIt's taken me thirteen years to climb\nup to the top of that\n\nspeed-dial, and I don't intend to lose my spot to you.\n\nJERRY\nBut, I never...\n\nMRS HAMILTON\n(threatening) You just stay away from\nthat phone.\n\n(Steinbrenner's Office)\n\nSteinbrenner behind his desk. George crosses the floor from the\ndoor.\n\nGEORGE\nYou wanted to see me, sir?\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nI heard about what happened at the meeting\nthis morning...\n\nGeorge looks quietly pleased at his imminent dismissal.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, yes. I already packed up my desk,\nsir. I can be outta here in an\n\nhour.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\n...and I have to tell you, it's exactly\nwhat this organisation\n\nneeded.\n\nGeorge looks stunned as he realises he's not going to be fired.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nWe wanna look to the future, we gotta\ntear down the past. Babe\n\nRuth was nothing more than a fat old man, with little-girl legs.\nAnd here's\n\nsomething I just found out recently. He wasn't really a sultan.\nAh, what d'you\n\nmake of that? Hey, check this out. (he stands to reveal he's\nwearing baseball\n\npants) Lou Gehrig's pants. Not a bad fit. (a thought occurs)\nHey, you don't\n\nthink that nerve disease of his was contagious, do you? Uh, I\nbetter take 'em\n\noff. I'm too important to this team. (removes the pants to reveal\nhis boxers)\n\nBig Stein can't be flopping and twitching.\n\nGeorge is further discomfited by the sight of Steinbrenner in\nhis underwear.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nHey, how 'bout some lunch. What're you\ngoing for?\n\n(Valerie's Apartment)\n\nJerry and Valerie are sitting on the couch, eating popcorn.\n\nJERRY\nYou know uh, Valerie, I uh, couldn't\nhelp but notice that I'm on your\n\nspeed-dial.\n\nVALERIE\nYou deserve it.\n\nJERRY\nBut I can't help thinking that maybe\nthere's someone in your life who\n\ndeserves it more. Someone you've known, you know, more than a\nweek.\n\nVALERIE\nMy stepmother got to you, didn't she?\n\nJERRY\nWhat? No.\n\nVALERIE\nUuh, I can't believe she did this again.\nThat's it! She's off the\n\nspeed-dial completely!\n\nValerie gets up, stalks to the phone and sets about rejigging\nher speed-dial.\n\nJERRY\nYikes!\n\n(Newman's Apartment)\n\nNewman sits at the table. Kramer has arrived and is holding his\ninvitation.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I just got your invitation to\nthe Newmanniun party.\n\nNEWMAN\nYou just got it? Damn, the mail is slow.\n\nKRAMER\n(getting worked up) You knew I was having\na millennium party, but you\n\njust had to throw yours on the same day!\n\nNEWMAN\nI have done nothing unethical.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well you're gonna have to cancel\nit, because I've told everybody\n\nabout my party.\n\nNEWMAN\nCancel! (jumps to feet) Think again,\nlongshanks! I started planning this\n\nin nineteen seventy-eight. I put a deposit down on that revolving\nrestaurant\n\nthat overlooks Times Square, and I booked Christopher Cross.\n\nKRAMER\n(worked up) Well, what am I gonna do?\nI got over two hundred folding\n\nchairs, and quite a bit of ice.\n\nNEWMAN\n(thoughtful) What kind?\n\nKRAMER\nCubed.\n\nNEWMAN\nThat's good stuff, and you can never\nhave too much ice. Alright, I'll\n\ntell you what I'll do. You can co-host the party with me, under\none condition.\n\nNo Jerry. Jerry is not invited.\n\nKRAMER\nI gotta invite Jerry. He's my buddy.\n\nNEWMAN\nThat he may be. But he's outta my life,\nstarting in the year\n\ntwo-thousand. For me, the next millennium must be, Jerry-free!\n\n(Cab)\n\nJerry and George in the back of a taxi.\n\nJERRY\nHow could they not fire you?\n\nGEORGE\nNever thought I'd fail at failing.\n\nJERRY\nAw, come on there now.\n\nGEORGE\n(depressed) Feel like I can't do anything\nwrong.\n\nJERRY\nNonsense. You do everything wrong.\n\nGEORGE\n(hopeful) Everything?\n\nJERRY\nEverything.\n\nGEORGE\nYou really think so?\n\nJERRY\nAbsolutely. I have no confidence in\nyou.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright. I guess I just have to pick\nmyself up, dust myself off, and\n\nthrow myself right back down again!\n\nJERRY\nThat's the spirit. You suck!\n\nGEORGE\n(pleased) I know.\n\n(Cinqo De Mayo)\n\nElaine is talking with the saleswoman.\n\nELAINE\nNo, no, no no, listen to me. I work\nin fashion. Together, we can drive\n\nPutumayo outta business and make Cinqo de Mayo numero uno...\nde Mayo.\n\nGladys comes out behind the counter.\n\nGLADYS\nDo you need some help with something?\n\nELAINE\n(puzzled) You? What're you doing here?\n\nGLADYS\nI own this store.\n\nELAINE\nNo you don't. You own Putumayo. Unless\nyou own both stores. (laughs\n\nnervously)\n\nGLADYS\nI'm Gladys Mayo.\n\nRealisation dawns for Elaine. She begins to leave, slowly.\n\nELAINE\nAh, this really sticks in my craw.\n\n(Mrs Hamilton's Apartment)\n\nJerry and Mrs Hamilton sitting on the couch. Mrs Hamilton is\npouring out a\n\ncouple of glasses of wine.\n\nJERRY\nWell, Mrs Hamilton, it's certainly nice\nthat you and Valerie patched\n\nthings up, so we could all get together like this. Where is Valerie?\n\nMRS HAMILTON\nI'm sure she'll be along. (handing over\na glass) Have some wine,\n\nJerome.\n\nJERRY\nOkay.\n\nMrs Hamilton leans back on the couch beside Jerry. She's sitting\nuncomfortably\n\nclose to Jerry, and as she speaks she puts an arm along the top\nof the couch\n\nbehind Jerry. (To cut it short, this scene plays pretty close\nto the early\n\nDustin Hoffman/Anne Bancroft scenes in The Graduate.)\n\nMRS HAMILTON\nYou know Jerome, I can understand what\nValerie sees in you. So\n\nattractive, so strong, so comedic.\n\nJERRY\nUh, good.\n\nMRS HAMILTON\nJerome, I have a deliciously naughty\nidea.\n\nJERRY\n(nervous) What?\n\nMRS HAMILTON\nWhy don't I put you on my speed-dial?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, Mrs Hamilton. That doesn't\nsound...\n\nMRS HAMILTON\nDon't be such a child, Jerome. How's\nnumber three sound?\n\nJerry leaps to his feet as Mrs Hamilton goes for her phone.\n\nJERRY\nValerie's not coming over, is she?\n\nMrs Hamilton is programming her phone.\n\nMRS HAMILTON\nSeven, four...\n\nJERRY\nNo...\n\nMRS HAMILTON\nTwo...\n\nJERRY\nStop, stop. This isn't right. What about\nValerie?\n\nMRS HAMILTON\nI won't tell if you don't.\n\nJERRY\n(leaving hurriedly) Wuhh...\n\n(Kramer's Apartment)\n\nKramer is asleep, but his sleep is fitful. He tosses and turns.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry... Newman... Two-thousand...\n\nKramer suddenly sits bolt upright.\n\nKRAMER\n(yells) Newmanniun!!\n\nHe reaches over to his bedside table and picks up a photograph.\nIt's of himself\n\nand Jerry at a previous party, looking happy together.\n\nKRAMER\n(whimper) Jerry?\n\nKramer clutches the photo to his chest, and flops back onto the\nmattress.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJerry sits on his couch, watching baseball on TV. Steve Koren\nis commentating.\n\nKOREN\nAlright, Yankees, two. Orioles, nothing.\nWait a minute! A short\n\nstocky bald man is streaking across the field.\n\nJERRY\nOh my God, George!\n\nKOREN\nCheck that. He's not streaking. He's\nwearing a flesh-tone\n\nbody-stocking. Apparently, he's a bit bashful, and oddly, no-one\nseems upset.\n\nKramer enters.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, look, it's George.\n\nKOREN\nEveryone loves him.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah, I know. (he clicks off the\nTV) Listen, Jerry, I can't let\n\nyou come to my New Year's party.\n\nJERRY\n(neutral) Fine.\n\nKRAMER\n(agitated) I mean, it's killing me!\nNewman's got the jump on the\n\ninvites, and will crush me if I try to go it alone!\n\nJERRY\n(neutral) No problem.\n\nKRAMER\n(swung by Jerry's argument) You're right.\nI won't do it without you. I\n\nfeel so ashamed I even thought of it, huh.\n\nElaine enters.\n\nKRAMER\n(pleading) Elaine, you can't go to Newman's\nNewmanniun.\n\nELAINE\n(neutral) Okay.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, no. You gotta spend New Year's\nnineteen ninety-nine with me and\n\nJerry.\n\nELAINE\n(neutral) Fine.\n\nKRAMER\n(frustrated shout) Oh come on!!\n\nELAINE\n(neutral) Alright.\n\nKRAMER\n(triumph) Yesss! Alright, so it's you,\nit's me, and it's Jerry, huh.\n\n(claps hands) Yeah, now things are starting to snowball, huh.\nI'll tell Newman I\n\ndon't need him. So, I'll uh, see you two in the twenty-first\ncentury.\n\nKramer heads out the door.\n\nELAINE\n(following Kramer to the door) Okay.\nKramer, Kramer, wait a minute. Do\n\nyou still have that pricing-gun?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nOkay, I need you to help me put Putumayo\noutta business.\n\nKRAMER\nCan do.\n\nKramer leaves to his apartment. Elaine begins to follow.\n\nJERRY\nWhat're you doing with a pricing-gun?\n\nELAINE\nThat place is about to have the sale\nof the century. Nothing over\n\nninety-nine cents.\n\nElaine leaves and shuts the door.\n\nJERRY\n(to himself) Still a rip-off.\n\nThe phone rings. Jerry picks up.\n\nJERRY\nHello?\n\nFrom here on, the scene is presented in a split-screen format,\nwith Valerie and\n\nMrs Hamilton in their respective apartments, sharing the screen\nwith Jerry as\n\nappropriate.\n\nVALERIE\nJerry, I was just at my stepmom's house,\nand I saw that you were on her\n\nspeed-dial.\n\nJERRY\nUh, well, she uh, probably just wanted\nto be able to keep tabs on you.\n\nThere is a beep on Jerry's phone as another call comes in.\n\nJERRY\nHold on a second.\n\nJerry clicks the doofer to answer the other call.\n\nJERRY\nHello?\n\nMRS HAMILTON\n(seductive) Hi Jerome.\n\nJERRY\nOh, Mrs Hamilton, this is a very bad\ntime. I've got Valerie on the other\n\nline. Just a second.\n\nJerry clicks.\n\nJERRY\nHello?\n\nVALERIE\nThat's her on the other line, isn't\nit?\n\nJERRY\nWell...\n\nVALERIE\nTell her I don't want you on her speed-dial.\n\nJERRY\nHang on.\n\nJerry clicks.\n\nJERRY\nShe knows about the speed-dial. Mrs\nHamilton, you gotta get me off this\n\nthing.\n\nMRS HAMILTON\nI won't, until she puts me back on hers.\n\nJERRY\nHang on.\n\nJerry clicks.\n\nJERRY\nShe wants to be back on yours.\n\nVALERIE\nFine. But only if you're off hers.\n\nJERRY\nHang on.\n\nJerry clicks.\n\nJERRY\nFine, if I'm off yours.\n\nVALERIE\nNo, still me.\n\nJERRY\nSorry. Hang on.\n\nJerry clicks.\n\nJERRY\nFine, if I'm off yours.\n\nMRS HAMILTON\nI won't do it. It's my speed-dial, and\nI don't trust her.\n\nJERRY\nPlease, Mrs Hamilton, this is very awkward\nfor me.\n\nMRS HAMILTON\n(conspiratorial) Alright. I'll hide\nyou in one of the emergency\n\nbuttons.\n\nJERRY\n(hurried) Great, bye.\n\nJerry clicks.\n\nJERRY\nShe said she'll do it.\n\nVALERIE\nGreat.\n\nThere's another beep, as another call comes in.\n\nJERRY\nHang on.\n\nJerry clicks.\n\nJERRY\nHello?\n\n(Yankee Stadium)\n\nGeorge is at a public telephone, wearing the flesh-tone body-stocking\nand\n\nlooking thoroughly dejected.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry. I can't get fired.\n\nA passing fan spots him.\n\nFAN\nHey, body-suit man. 's up?\n\nHe slaps palms with George, who doesn't look especially pleased\nby the\n\nattention. The fan points out George to more fans.\n\nFAN\n(pointing) Hey, body-suit man.\n\nThe fans gather round, making positive noises. George looks resigned\nto his\n\nminor celebrity.\n\n(Putumayo)\n\nGladys is behind the counter. Outside the door, Elaine peers\nin for a second\n\nbefore she moves back out of sight. Then, a be-suited Kramer\nis pushed into\n\nsight. He enters the store, smoking a cigar.\n\nKRAMER\nHi, I'm H.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy\nAmerican industrialist uh,\n\nlooking to open a silver mine in the mountains of Peru and uh,\nbefore I invest\n\nmillions in a lucrative mine, I, I'd like to go a little native.\nUh, Get the\n\nfeel of their condiments, of their unmentionables, you know,\nthe real uh,\n\ngritty-gritty.\n\nHe notices a bowl of chips beside the register and helps himself\nto some.\n\nGLADYS\nWell, lemme show you what we have.\n\nKRAMER\nWell uh, I think I can just browse around\non my own.\n\nKRAMER\n(re the chips) Hmm, Macchu Picchu. Are\nthese free?\n\nGLADYS\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\nHmm-mmm.\n\nKramer strolls over to a rack and grabs a selection of a half-dozen\nitems. He\n\nthen heads for the changing room.\n\nGLADYS\nSome of those are women's clothes.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, not a problem.\n\nHe pulls the curtain shut. The sound of a pricing gun can be\nheard. The clicking\n\ngoes on for a couple of seconds, and then the gun is dropped.\nIt lands by\n\nKramer's feet and breaks, Kramer then exacerbates his problem\nby kicking the gun\n\nas he tries to retrieve it.\n\n(Yankee's Parking Lot)\n\nGeorge is driving his car in a circle in the parking lot. Trailing\nbehind the\n\ncar, on a rope, is a trophy which bounces and clatters on the\ntarmac. George is\n\nleaning out of the car window, with a megaphone.\n\nGEORGE\nAttention Steinbrenner and front-office\nmorons! Your triumphs mean\n\nnothing. You all stink. You can sit on it, and rotate! This is\nGeorge Costanza.\n\nI fear no reprisal. Extension five-one-seven-oh.\n\n(Putumayo)\n\nGladys is still behind the counter. Valerie and Mrs Hamilton\nare browsing the\n\nracks. Elaine enters and, holding her hand up to hide her face,\nshe walks over\n\nto the changing room, pulls back the curtain and enters.\n\nKRAMER\nL'Occupado.\n\nELAINE\nCome on, what is taking you so long?\n\nKRAMER\nElaine, I broke the price-gun, so I\nhad to move to plan B.\n\nELAINE\nPlan B? There is no plan B.\n\nKRAMER\n(holds up some small white sachets)\nI took these out of every single\n\ngarment in the store.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?!\n\nKRAMER\nThey're dessicates. See, they absorb\nmoisture. (gleeful) These clothes\n\nwon't last five years without 'em.\n\nELAINE\nThat's not gonna do anything.\n\nKRAMER\nPatience.\n\nELAINE\nAlright. Forget it!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nYou have screwed me again, Pennypacker!\n\nElaine leaves, hurrying through the store with her face shielded\nagain.\n\nGLADYS\nLadies, care for some chips?\n\nKRAMER\n(emerging from the changing room) Well,\nI don't mind if I do.\n\nHe takes a chip and dips it. As he loads the chip with the dip,\na sachet of\n\ndessicate falls from his sleeve into the dip. He doesn't notice,\nand after\n\nconsuming the chip he deposits the bundle of clothing onto the\ncounter.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I've uh, I've changed my mind.\nI think I'm going to build a\n\nrollercoaster instead.\n\nKramer leaves. Mrs Hamilton comes over to the counter, takes\na chip, dips it\n\ninto the dessicate-laced dip and eats it.\n\n(Steinbrenner's Office)\n\nGeorge stands before Steinbrenner's desk, in his shirt-sleeves,\nnonchalantly\n\neating something. He occasionally shrugs at Steinbrenner's remarks.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nI heard what you did in the parking\nlot, big boy, and it is\n\nin-excuse-a-bull. You personally insulted me, my staff... I cannot\nbelieve that\n\nyou, body-suit man, could perpetrate such a disloyalty. Breaks\nmy heart to say\n\nit... Oh, who am I kidding? I love it. You're fi...\n\nGeorge looks expectant, as Steinbrenner reaches this point. Suddenly,\nMr Wilhelm\n\nenters the office.\n\nWILHELM\nWait, wait, Mr Steinbrenner. George\ndoesn't deserve any of the blame\n\nfor what happened in the parking lot today, sir. If there's anyone\nto blame\n\nhere, it's me.\n\nGeorge stares at Wilhelm in disbelief.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nWhat're you talking about, Wilhelm.\nYou popping pills? You got the\n\ncrazies again?\n\nWILHELM\nNo, no. No, no, sir. I ordered George\nto drive around insulting people\n\ntoday. Because I'm tired of all your macho head games.\n\nGEORGE\n(agitated) He's lying, sir! I'm tired\nof all your macho head games!\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nMacho head games?\n\nWILHELM\n(puts arm round George's shoulder) He's\njust being loyal to me, sir.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nWilhelm, you're fired. I owe you an\napology, body-suit man. Streak\n\non. (rising) Now, if you gentlemen'll excuse me, I'm not going\nto the game\n\ntoday, I'm gonna go outside and scalp some tickets. (heads toward\nthe door)\n\nOwner's box, that's gotta bring in forty bucks, no problem.\n\nGEORGE\nMr Wilhelm, what was that?!\n\nWILHELM\nI wanted to get fired. George, you are\nlooking at the new head scout of\n\nthe New York Mets.\n\nWilhelm walks away toward the door, leaving George looking crushed.\n\nWILHELM\n(singing) Meet the Mets, meet the Mets.\nCome right out and greet the\n\nMets.\n\n(Jerry's Apartment)\n\nKRAMER\nI don't know what Elaine is so upset\nabout. I mean, without dessicates,\n\nthose clothes'll be noticeably musty in five years.\n\nJERRY\nShe never sees the big picture.\n\nThere's a knock at the door. Jerry opens it to reveal Newman.\n\nJERRY\nHello, Newman!\n\nNEWMAN\nHello Jerry. (to Kramer) What did you\nsay to Elaine? I just got her\n\ncancellation in the mail.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, well I guess she found some place\nbetter to go.\n\nNEWMAN\nWell, it's her mistake. Because she\nis going to miss the party of a\n\nlifetime.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, maybe so, but come midnight, when\nshe's looking for someone warm\n\nand cuddly to kiss, I guess you'll be caught between the moon\nand New York City.\n\nNEWMAN\nAlright. Come back to my party, please.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry too, of course.\n\nNEWMAN\n(reluctant) You don't wanna do your...\nact, or anything, do you?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nNEWMAN\nAlright then, I guess I can accept a\nlittle Jerry, if it gets me a\n\n(suggestive) lot of Elaine.\n\nJerry pulls a disgusted face.\n\nKRAMER\nDeal?\n\nNEWMAN\nTo the Newmanniun! (holds out his hand)\n\nKRAMER\n(grasps Newman's hand) To the Kramennium.\n\nKramer and Newman move to the door to leave. Newman stops as\nJerry speaks to\n\nhim, and Kramer exits to his apartment.\n\nJERRY\nBy the way Newman, I'm just curious.\nWhen you booked the hotel, did you\n\nbook it for the millennium New Year?\n\nNEWMAN\n(smug) As a matter of fact, I did.\n\nJERRY\nOh, that's interesting, because as everyone\nknows, since there was no\n\nyear zero, the millennium doesn't begin until the year two-thousand\nand one.\n\nWhich would make your party, one year late, and thus, quite lame.\n\nNewman absorbs the logic of Jerry's argument. His face twitches\nas he realises\n\nhis error.\n\nJERRY\nAww!\n\nNewman makes a noise redolent of his frustration - a sort of\nhalf-strangulated\n\nnasal squeak. He then waddles away after Kramer.\n\n(Mrs Hamilton's Apartment)\n\nValerie and Mrs Hamilton sit on the couch. Mrs Hamilton looks\nnauseous.\n\nMRS HAMILTON\nI don't feel well at all. I feel all\ndried-out inside.\n\nVALERIE\nI'll call for help.\n\nShe picks up the phone and pushes a button marked 'Poison Control'.\n\n(Mrs Hamilton's Apartment/Jerry's Apartment)\n\nJERRY\nHello?\n\nVALERIE\nWho's this?\n\nJERRY\nIt's Jerry. Who's this?\n\nVALERIE\nUh, it's Valerie.\n\nJERRY\nOh, hi Valerie. What's up?\n\nVALERIE\nI'll tell you what's up. My stepmother\nis violently ill, so I hit the\n\nbutton for poison control and I get you!\n\nJERRY\nWow, poison control? That's even higher\nthan number one!\n\nValerie hangs up the phone.\n\nJERRY\nHello?\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Muffin-Tops.html",
    "text": "THE MUFFIN TOPS\n\nWritten by\n\nSpike Feresten\n\n(Jerry and George walking down the street.)\n\nJERRY\nHang on just let me pick up a paper.\n\nMAN\nExcuse me. Would you mind watching my\nbag for a minute?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. No problem.\n\nJERRY\nLet's go.\n\nGEORGE\nWoah, I gotta watch this guy's bag.\n\nJERRY\nFor how long?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm sure he'll be back in a second.\n\nJERRY\nCome on.\n\nGEORGE\nExcuse me sir. Would you mind watching\nmy bag for a minute?\n\nMAN 2\nWhy? So I can stand here like an idiot\nnot knowing if you'll ever come back?\n\nJerry starts to leave.\n\nGEORGE\nWhere are you going?\n\nJERRY\nI'm going to be this guy's friend.\n\n(Commercial)\n\nJerry and George at Monk's.\n\nJERRY\nNew clothes?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. I did some shopping. Some new\nclothes shopping. (turns to a man) Can\nI borrow your menu?\n\nJERRY\nStrange. For new pants, there's noticable\nwear on the buttocks of those chinos.\nWait those are the clothes from the\nbag!\n\nGEORGE\nThe guy never came back.\n\nJERRY\nHe asked you to watch them not wear\nthem.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm still watching them.\n\nJERRY\nYou look like a tourist.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, let me ask you something:\nWhen do you start to worry about ear\nhair?\n\nJERRY\nWhen you hear like a soft russeling.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's like puberty that never stops.\nEar puberty, nose puberty, knuckle puberty,\nyou gotta be vigilent. Let me ask you\nthis: Do you know where Walker Street\nis downtown? I've got a league meeting\nthere.\n\nJERRY\nOh right, the new job, how is it?\n\nGEORGE\nI love it. New office, new salary. I'm\nthe new Wilhelm.\n\nJERRY\nSo who's the new you?\n\nGEORGE\nThey got a new intern from Francis Louis\nHigh. His name is Keith. He comes in\nMondays after school.\n\nJERRY\nOh hi Alex.\n\nALEX\nI'm sorry I'm late. Have you ordered\nyet?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nALEX\nI'll be right back.\n\nGEORGE\nWhere are you meeting these women? When\nthey get off the bus at the port authority?\n\nJERRY\nRight here, George. In here. (pointing\nto his chest) Try opening this up. You'll\nfind the biggest dating scene in the\nworld.\n\nGEORGE\nThanks. Thanks a lot.\n\nKramer in Jerry's apartment. Kramer searches in Jerry's couch\nfor something and picks it up. Elaine enters. Kramer hurriedly\nputs the cushions back on the couch. (What was he looking for\nanyway? Anything specific?)\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nHi.\n\nELAINE\nWhere's Jerry?\n\nKRAMER\nWell he's in the shower. You want me\nto get him?\n\nELAINE\nNo. No no. Actually I kind of need to\nspeak to you.\n\nKRAMER\nWell let's sit down.\n\nELAINE\nKramer, ahem, remember that whole deal\nwith you selling Peterman your stories\nfor his book and then he gave them back\nto you?\n\nKRAMER\nVaguely.\n\nELAINE\nWell I was kind of, hehehe, short on\nmaterial and I, um, I put them in the\nbook anyway.\n\nKRAMER\nYou put my life's stories in his autobiography?\n\nELAINE\nKramer listen, it is such a stupid book.\nIt doesn't matter.\n\nKRAMER\nOh no. Sure. It matters. Wow. I've broken\nthrough, huh. I'm part of popular culture\nnow. Listen I've got to thank Mr. Peterman.\n\nELAINE\nHe's doing a book signing at Waldenbooks\nthis afternoon.\n\nKRAMER\nWaldenbooks? That's a major chain huh.\n\nKramer enters the bathroom.\n\nKRAMER\nHe Jerry, I'm going to waldenbooks.\n\nJERRY\n(yelling) Get out! Get out! I don't\nwant to live like this.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, let's go.\n\nAt Waldenbooks.\n\nELAINE\nMr. Lippman, how are you?\n\nMR LIPPMAN\nWell I'm not bad. Not bad.\n\nELAINE\nWhat are you doing here?\n\nMR LIPPMAN\nI work for Pundant Publishishing. This\nis our book.\n\nELAINE\nOh.\n\nMR LIPPMAN\nIf you can call it that. Why is it every\nhalf-wit and sitcom star has his own\nbook out now?\n\nKRAMER\nHey buddy. Remember me?\n\nMR PETERMAN\nYou're that gangly fellow we bought\nthe stories from.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I'm just here to do my part. What's\nyour name darling?\n\nWOMAN\nWho are you?\n\nKRAMER\nI'm the real Peterman.\n\nMR PETERMAN\nAll right playtime's over.\n\nKRAMER\nRelax man. There's enough juice here\nto keep us all fat and giggley.\n\nWOMAN\nI can't believe somebody pulled the\ntop off of this muffin.\n\nELAINE\nThat was me. I'm sorry. I don't like\nthe stumps.\n\nMR LIPPMAN\nSo you just eat the tops.\n\nELAINE\nOh yeah. It's the best part. It's crunchy,\nit's explosive, it's where the muffin\nbreaks free of the pan and sort of (makes\nhand motions) does it's own thing. I'll\ntell you. That's a million dollor idea\nright there. Just sell the tops.\n\nTwo men forcefully pick Kramer up and push him out of the store.\n\nKRAMER\nI have a right to be here. These are\nmy fans. Hey you're hurting my elbow.\n\nGeorge is walking down the street looking down at his map. He\nis bumping into people.\n\nMAN 1\nTry looking up hayseed.\n\nMAN 2\nYou wanna sightsee? Get on a bus.\n\nMARY ANNE\nPlease don't think all New Yorkers are\nso rude.\n\nGEORGE\nWell actually I'm...\n\nMARY ANNE\nI'm Mary Anne. I work for the New York\nVisitor's Center. Where are you visiting\nfrom?\n\nGEORGE\nLittle Rock, Arkensas.\n\nMARY ANNE\nOoh.\n\nJerry is in his bathroom shaving. He thinks. He tilts the mirror\ndown.\n\nJERRY\nHmm. That looks new.\n\nHe thinks some more. He picks up his razor.\n\nKRAMER\nSo get this. Peterman has his henchmen\nforcefully eject me from the book signing\nlike I'm some kind of a maniac.\n\nJERRY\n(uncomfortably) Yeah that's too bad.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat's the matter with you?\n\nJERRY\n(uncomfortably) Nothing.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, no. Don't give me that. I know\nyou. Something's wrong. What is it.\n\nJERRY\nI did something stupid.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat did you do?\n\nJERRY\nWell I was shaving. And I noticed an\nasymmetry in my chest hair and I was\ntrying to even it out. Next thing I\nknew, (high pitched voice) Gone.\n\nKRAMER\nDon't you know you're not supposed to\npoke around down there.\n\nJERRY\nWell women do it.\n\nKRAMER\n(high pitched voice) \"Well women do\nit.\" I'll tell you what. I'll pick you\nup a sundress and a parasol and you\ncan just (high pitched voice) sashey\nyour pretty little self around the town\nsquare.\n\nJERRY\nWell what am I going to tell Alex?\n\nKRAMER\nListen to me. You don't tell anybody\nabout this. No one. You hear me?\n\nJERRY\nUm hum.\n\nGeorge enters\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Jerry shaved his chest.\n\nJERRY\nHey!\n\nKRAMER\nI forgot. Wait. Never mind.\n\nJerry and Alex walking.\n\nALEX\nHow about the beach this weekend?\n\nJERRY\nYou couldn't pay me enough to go to\nthe beach on a weekend. I mean it's\nhard enough...\n\nALEX\nAll right. All right. Wow is that a\nMexican Hairless? Oh, I love those.\nOoh, Hairless. This is where it's at.\nIt's so much smoother and cleaner.\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\nElaine walks into a muffin shop.\n\nELAINE\n\"Top of the Muffin to you!\"?\n\nMR. LIPPMAN\nTop of the muffin to you. Elaine!\n\nELAINE\nMr Lippman?\n\nGeorge and Jerry at Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nSo you're pretending to be a tourist?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's beautiful. She makes all the plans.\nI'm not from around here so it's okay\nif I'm stupid, and she knows I'm only\nin town visiting so there's no messy\nbreakup\n\nJERRY\nHow do you explain your apartment?\n\nGEORGE\nI got a hotel room.\n\nJERRY\nyou moved into a hotel?\n\nGEORGE\nWell I don't know anyone here Jerry.\nWhere else am I going to stay?\n\nJERRY\nSo get this: we're in the park today\nAlex goes wild for this hairless dog.\n\nGEORGE\nSo?\n\nJERRY\nSo. I figure since she likes one hairless\nanimal why not another.\n\nGEORGE\nOh really. You tell her you shaved it?\n\nJERRY\nAre you nuts? I don't want her to think\nI'm one of those low-rise briefs guys\nwho shaves his chest.\n\nKramer is in a school bus. He honks his horn. Camera shot down\non the bus.\n\nKRAMER\n(yelling up at Jerry) Hey Jerry.\n\nJerry pulls up the blinds on his upstairs window and looks down.\n\nKRAMER\n(yelling) I'm starting a Peterman Reality\nBus Tour. Check it out. Hahaha.\n\nGEORGE\nReality tour?\n\nJERRY\nThe last thing this guy's qualified\nto give a tour of is reality.\n\nElaine at the muffin shop.\n\nELAINE\nThis was my idea you stole my idea.\n\nMR. LIPPMAN\nElaine these ideas are all in the air.\nThey're in the air.\n\nELAINE\nWell if that air is comming out of this\nface then it is my air and my idea.\n\nMR. LIPPMAN\nYou want a muffin or not?\n\nELAINE\nPeach.\n\nGerge and Mary Anne at Monks.\n\nMARY ANNE\nSo I notice you don't have much of an\naccent.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah my parents have it. Sometimes it\nskips a generation.\n\nMARY ANNE\nLook george, I'm really enjoying spending\ntime with you but I'm not sure this\nis going to work out. At some point\nyou're going back to your job at Tyler\nChicken and your three-legged dog Willie.\n\nGEORGE\nWillie. Yeah.\n\nMARY ANNE\nAnd I'm still going to be here.\n\nGEORGE\nWell what if I told you I'm thinking\nof moving here?\n\nMARY ANNE\n(laughs) George, no offense. But this\ncity would eat you alive.\n\n(Commercial)\n\nJERRY\nYou're moving to New York? That's fantastic.\nI can see you all the time now.\n\nGEORGE\nEat me alive, huh? We'll see who can\nmake it in *this* town.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is it she think you can't do?\n\nGEORGE\nFind a job. Get an apartment.\n\nJERRY\nHow did you do those things?\n\nGEORGE\nNever mind. The're done. All I have\nto do now is redo them. You know if\nyou take everything I've ever done in\nmy entire life and condense it down\ninto one day, it looks decent.\n\nJERRY\nHey, what were you doing with that bus\nyesterday?\n\nKRAMER\nHere you go, here you go, check it out.\n\nJERRY\n\"The Real Peterman Reality Bus Tour\".\nI'm confused.\n\nKRAMER\nPeterman's book is big business. People\nwant to know the stories behind the\nstories.\n\nJERRY\nNobody wants to go on a three hour bus\ntour of a totally unknown person's life.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm only charging $37.50, plus you get\na pizza bagel and desert.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's desert?\n\nKRAMER\nBite-size Three Musketeers. Just like\nthe real Peterman eats.\n\nGEORGE\nHe eats those?\n\nKRAMER\nNo. I eat those. I'm the real Peterman.\n\nGEORGE\nI think I understand this. Jay Peterman\nis real. His biography is not. Now,\nyou Kramer are real.\n\nKRAMER\nTalk to me.\n\nGEORGE\nBut your life is Peterman's. Now the\nbus tour, which is real, takes to places\nthat, while they are real, they are\nnot real in sense that they did not\n*really* happen to the *real* Peterman\nwhich is you.\n\nKRAMER\nUnderstand?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. $37.50 for a Three Musketeers.\n\nElaine and Mr. Lippman at Monk's.\n\nMR. LIPPMAN\nElaine. I'm in over my head. Nobody\nlikes my muffin tops.\n\nELAINE\nSo? What do you want me to do about\nit?\n\nMR. LIPPMAN\nYou're the muffin top expert, tell me\nwhat I'm doing wrong.\n\nELAINE\nMr. Lippman, when I worked for you at\nPendent Publishing, I believed in you,\nyou know as a man of integrity. But,\nI saw you in that paper hat and that\naprin...\n\nELAINE\nDeal. Here's your problem. You're making\njust the muffin tops. You've gotta make\nthe *whole* muffin. Then you... Pop\nthe top, toss the stump. Taste.\n\nMR. LIPPMAN\nAh. (takes a bite of the top.) Mmmmm.\nAh hah?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nMR. LIPPMAN\nSo what do we with the bottoms?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know, give em to a soup kitchen.\n\nMR. LIPPMAN\nThat's a good idea.\n\nELAINE\nAnd one more thing, you really think\nwe need the exclamation point? Because,\nit's not \"Top of the Muffin *TO YOU!!!*\"\n\nMR. LIPPMAN\nNo. No. It is.\n\nAt Jerry's apartment.\n\nKRAMER\nHey Jerry. What is this? Lady Gillette?\nWhat's going on?\n\nJERRY\nWhat? Can't I get a moment's peace?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat are you doing to yourself?\n\nJerry walks into camera view with his chest covered with shaving\ncream.\n\nJERRY\nI can't stop. Alex thinks I'm naturally\nhairless.\n\nKRAMER\nYou can't keep this up. Don't you know\nwhat's going to happen? Everytime you\nshave it, it's going to come in thicker\nand fuller and darker.\n\nJERRY\nOh that's an old wives tale.\n\nKRAMER\nIs it? Look at this.\n\nKramer walks off-screen and opens his shirt. On-screen, Jerry\nreels from the sight.\n\nKRAMER\n(high pitched voice) Look at it! Look\nat it! And it's all me. I shaved there\nwhen I was a lifeguard.\n\nJERRY\nOh come on. That's genetics. That's\nnot going to happen to me.\n\nKRAMER\nWon't it? Or is it already starting\nto happen?\n\nElain at the muffin shop.\n\nELAINE\nWow. Look at this. We're cleaning up.\n\nLippman Oh, Rubin, get me another tray of lowfat cranberry.\n\nREBECCA\nExcuse me, I'm Rebecca Demore from the\nhomeless shelter.\n\nELAINE\nOh, hi.\n\nREBECCA\nAre you the ones leaveing the muffing\npieces behind our shelter?\n\nELAINE\nYou been enjoying them?\n\nREBECCA\nThey're just stumps.\n\nELAINE\nWell they're perfectly edible.\n\nREBECCA\nOh, so you just assume that the homeless\nwill eat them, they'll eat anything?\n\nMR. LIPPMAN\nNo no, we just thought...\n\nREBECCA\nI know what you thought. They don't\nhave homes, they don't have jobs, what\ndo they need the top of a muffin for?\nThey're lucky to get the stumps.\n\nELAINE\nIf the homeless don't like them the\nhomeless don't have to eat them.\n\nREBECCA\nThe homeless don't like them.\n\nELAINE\nFine.\n\nREBECCA\nWe've never gotten so many complaints.\nEvery two minutes, \"Where is the top\nof this muffin? Who ate the rest of\nthis?\"\n\nELAINE\nWe were just trying to help.\n\nREBECCA\nWhy don't you just drop off some chicken\nskins and lobster shells.\n\nELAINE\nI think I might.\n\nMary Anne and George at George's \"new\" apartment.\n\nMARY ANNE\nI can't believe you found something\nso quickly. How much you pay?\n\nGEORGE\n$2300.\n\nMARY ANNE\nOuch. A month?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nMARY ANNE\nWell, guess that's all right for now,\nbut if you say here for more than a\nfew months, you're a real sucker.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, well I uh got lots of other stuff\nto show you too. Wait till you see the\nplum job that I landed.\n\nMARY ANNE\nYeah. We should let this place air out\nanyway. It smells like the last tenant\nhad monkeys or something.\n\nMary Anne exits. George sniffs his armpit.\n\nOn Kramer's bus.\n\nKRAMER\nComming up on the right, if you glance\nup you can just make out my bedroom\nwindow. It's the one that's covered\nin chicken wire.\n\nWOMAN\nHey if you're the real Peterman, who\ncome you're wearing those ratty clothes?\nThe're not very romantic.\n\nKRAMER\n(over the speaker) Well that's your\nopinion.\n\nMAN 1\nCan I have another Three Musketeers?\nThey're rather small.\n\nKRAMER\nForget it. Okay Newman's postal route\nis around here somewhere.\n\nMAN 2\nWho's Newman?\n\nMAN 3\nWho cares.\n\nMAN 4\nHey fake Peterman, let me off. I'm nautious.\n\nMAN 1\nCan I have his candy bar?\n\nKRAMER\nAhh. Everyone just settle down. We have\nthree hours left on this thing, and\nI can't drive and argue with you rubes\nall at the same time.\n\nOkay. Lomez's place of worship is right on the right here.\n\nAt Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nWhy do I have to go on the tour?\n\nKRAMER\nJerry you're a minor celebrity. If you\ngo on this thing, it could create a\nminor stir. Bring that girlfriend of\nyour and I'll only charge to 60 bucks.\n\nElaine enters\n\nJERRY\nHey, how's business?\n\nELAINE\nOoh, I've got stump troubles. The Sanitation\nDepartment won't get rid of them all,\nI can't get a truck to haul this stuff\nuntil next week. Meanwhile, I'm sitting\non a mountain of stumps.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, I've got to hose the puke\noff the floor of the bus.\n\nELAINE\nBus? Wait a minute, wait a minute, bus?\nYou've got a bus?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nYou got any room on that thing?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah there are a few seats still available.\n\nELAINE\nDo you think you could transport some\nstumps for me? I'll make it worth your\nwhile.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, if they don't mind sitting in\nthe back.\n\nELAINE\nNo they don't.\n\nKRAMER\nAre they war veterans?\n\nElaine looks at him confused.\n\nIn George's office.\n\nMARY ANNE\nWow this is your office.\n\nMR. STEINBRENNER\nWoah. Hello. Sorry George, didn't know\nyou got a girl in here. Give me a signal\non the doornob like a necktie or a sock\nor something. Come on George, help me\nout.\n\nMARY ANNE\nMr. Steinbrenner, I would like to thank\nyou for taking a chance on a hen supervisor\nat Tyler Chicken like our boy George\nhere.\n\nMR. STEINBRENNER\nHen supervisor from Tyler Chicken?\n\nGEORGE\nYes. Very nice to have had her to mention...\n(starting to leave)\n\nMR. STEINBRENNER\nWait a minute George.\n\nGEORGE\nBe right with you. Look Mr. Steinbrenner.\n\nMR. STEINBRENNER\nMoonlighting for Tyler Chicken. Pretty\nimpressive George. Days with the New\nYork Yankees and nights in Arkensas\nwith a top flight bird outlet. And a\nhen supervisor to boot. I am blown.\nBloooown away. Blown George. (vibration\nin the \"o\"'s) Bloooooooooooooooooooown.\n\nOn Kramer's bus.\n\nALEX\nYou know when you make a pizza bagel,\nyou really shouldn't use cinnimon rasin.\n\nJERRY\nYou also shouldn't use a donut.\n\nKramer gets on the bus. He starts the tape player playing banjo\nmusic.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right ladies and gentlemen. Welcome\nto the Peterman Reality Tour...\n\nTAPE PLAYER\nTurn music off.\n\nJERRY\nCan we just go?\n\nKRAMER\nAnd go we will.\n\nMAN\nWhat is this? A piece of pound cake?\n\nKRAMER\nWe have a bonus reality stop today.\nWe will be hauling muffin stumps to\nthe local repository.\n\nMAN 2\nWe're going to a garbage dump?\n\nKRAMER\nAnd we're off.\n\nJERRY\nYou know I never though he would be\nable to recreate the experience of actually\nknowing him, but this is pretty close.\n\nMr. Steinbrenner is sitting at his desk on the phone with the\nmanager at Tyler chicken who is also sitting at his desk.\n\nMR. STEINBRENNER\n(the back of his head to the camera)\nJohn Tyler? George Steinbreener here.\nI want to talk about George Castanza.\nI understand he's been dividing his\ntime between us and you. I cannot have\nthat.\n\nJOHN TYLER\n(the back of his head also to the camera)\nWell I don't know who he is but if you\nwant him that bad I'm not giving him\nup that easily.\n\nMR. STEINBRENNER\nOh is that so. Playing a little hardball\nhuh Jonnyboy?\n\nJOHN TYLER\nHow about this. You give me Castanza,\nI convert your concessions to all chicken\nno charge. Instead of hot dogs, chicken\ndogs. Instead of pretzels, chicken twists.\nInstead of beer, alcoholic chicken.\n\nMR. STEINBRENNER\nHow do you make that alcoholic chicken?\n\nJOHN TYLER\nLet if ferment, just like everything\nelse.\n\nMR. STEINBRENNER\nThat stuff sounds great. All right.\nI'll have Costanza on the next bus.\n\nKramer at a garbage dump carrying a garbage bag.\n\nMAN\nHey hey hey hey hey. Where do you think\nyou're going?\n\nKRAMER\nI was going to dump this.\n\nMAN\nIt doesn't look like garbage.\n\nKRAMER\nWell it's muffin stumps\n\nMAN\nWhere are the muffin tops?\n\nKRAMER\nThis is a garbage dump. Just let me\ndump it.\n\nMAN\nCan't do it.\n\nKRAMER\nIs this a joke?\n\nMAN\nThat's what I'd like to know about it.\n\nALEX\nYou have a pretty heavy beard, don't\nyou?\n\nJERRY\nWhat's that?\n\nALEX\nWell look it's almost time for you to\nshave again.\n\nJERRY\nOh. Yeah.\n\nKRAMER\n(gets back on the bus, yelling) Well\nmaybe I will take it up with Consumer\nAffairs.\n\nLadies and Gentlemen you're in for an additional treat. We're\ngoing to extend the tour at no extra charge.\n\nMAN\nWhere are we going?\n\nKRAMER\n(looking at a map) I don't know. (over\nthe speaker) Uh, no more questions.\n\nBanjo music plays as they look for garbage dumps.\n\nNext scene. Kramer argues with someone at a dump.\n\nNext scene. A man vomits on the floor.\n\nNext scene. Kramer is driving. He is sleepy. His head nods down\nonto the horn. The horn blows. Startled, Kramer sits back up.\n\nBanjo music finishes.\n\nWAITRESS\nSo, the New York Yankees traded you\nfor a bunch of Tyler chicken.\n\nGEORGE\nDogs, twists, a kind of fermented chicken\ndrink.\n\nMAN\nHey, aren't you the guy I asked to watch\nmy clothes?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat clothes?\n\nMAN\nThese clothes. The ones you're wearing.\n\nOn Kramer's bus.\n\nJERRY\n(in low voice to next to Kramer) Kramer\nhow much longer? My chest hair is comming\nback and it's itching me like crazy.\nI can't let her see me scratch it.\n\nKRAMER\nDon't worry. I've got a good feeling\nabout this dump.\n\nJERRY\nI'm telling you man, I'm losing it.\n\nKramer gets off the bus, carrying a garbage bag.\n\nEerie music is playing. Jerry looks out the bus window at a full\nmoon. A dog starts barking.\n\nJERRY\nI can't sit on this bus anymore. I think\nI'll go play with that dog.\n\nKRAMER\nI don't know where the tops are.\n\nJerry runs past Kramer and another person. Eerie music still\nplaying.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry what's the matter?\n\nIn slow motion Jerry runs into the woods. At normal speed he\nruns behind a tree. Camera shot down on him as he starts scratching\nhis chest.\n\nJERRY\n(for the first half of the howl, a dog\nhowls along with him.) Awoooooo-oooooooo,\nthat feels good.\n\n(Commercial)\n\nBARTENDER\nHey, you looking for George?\n\nMARY ANNE\nYeah.\n\nBARTENDER\nHe's been in the bathroom awhile. You\nmight want to check on him.\n\nGEORGE\n(talking on the phone) Jerry you gotta\nbring me some clothes down here. I lost\nmy job with the Yankees. I'm standing\nin the men's room on 43rd street in\nmy underpants.\n\nMARY ANNE\nI told you this city would eat you alive.\n\nAt the muffin shop.\n\nMR. LIPPMAN\nWhat is this guy again?\n\nELAINE\nThey call him a Cleaner. He makes problems\ngo away.\n\nNewman enters.\n\nNEWMAN\nHello Elaine. Where are they?\n\nELAINE\nIn the back.\n\nNEWMAN\nAll right, I'm going to need a clean\n8 ounce glass.\n\nMR. LIPPMAN\nWhat is going on here?\n\nNEWMAN\nIf I'm curt, then I appologize. But\nas I understand it, we have a situation\nhere and time is of the essence.\n\nNewman goes to the back room with the muffin stumps and sets\ndown a cooler and an empty glass. From the cooler he takes out\n4 bottles of milk and sets them down.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Summer-of-George.html",
    "text": "THE SUMMER OF GEORGE\n\nWritten by\n\nAlec Berg & Jeff Schaffer\n\n(George and Jerry at a cafe terrace)\n\nJERRY\nNah, you had a good run. Took them to\nthe World Series.\n\nGEORGE\nI got to give the players most of the\ncredit for that.\n\nJERRY\nDon't sell yourself short. You made\nall the flight arrangements, hotels,\nbuses.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I don't know who was doing that.\n\nJERRY\nSo, when you actually did work, what\nit was that you did?\n\nGEORGE\nThey had a pastry cart you wouldn't\nbelieve.\n\n(Waitress (Lanette) comes with drinks)\n\nLANETTE\nHere you go. Your latte, your cappuccino.\n\n(Waitress leaves)\n\nJERRY\nMaybe I should ask her out?\n\nGEORGE\nShe is a good waitress.\n\nJERRY\nThat's true. Maybe I take her to the\nTony's.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're going to the Tony's?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I wrote some jokes to the show\nand they gave me two tickets.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy didn't you ask me? I know a million\ntheater jokes. 'What's the deal with\nthose guys down in the pit?'\n\nJERRY\nThey're musicians. That's not a joke.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's a funny observation.\n\n(George reads a letter)\n\nGEORGE\nSeverance package...The Yankees are\ngiving me three months full pay for\ndoing nothing.\n\nJERRY\nThey did it for three years. What's\nanother few months.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm really going to do something with\nthese three months.\n\nJERRY\nLike what?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm gonna read a book. From beginning\nto end. In that order.\n\nJERRY\nI've always wanted to do that...\n\nGEORGE\nI'm gonna play frolf.\n\nJERRY\nYou mean golf?\n\nGEORGE\nFrolf, frisbee golf Jerry. Golf with\na frisbee. This is gonna be my time.\nTime to taste the fruits and let the\njuices drip down my chin. I proclaim\nthis: The Summer\n\nof George!\n\n( A bee comes and George has to runaway to inside)\n\n------------------------------------------------------\n\n(Elaine's office. She and two co-workers are chatting in a corridor.)\n\nELAINE\n...and then Peterman ate it. I never\ntold him.\n\n(A woman comes walking by, with her hands hanging still besides\nher.)\n\nELAINE\nWho's that?\n\nDUGAN\nThat's Sam, the new girl in the counting.\n\nWALTER\nWhat's with her arms? They just hang\nlike salamis.\n\nDUGAN\nShe walks like orangutan.\n\nELAINE\nBetter call the zoo.\n\nDUGAN\nReer...\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nWALTER\nssssss...\n\nDUGAN\nCat-ty...\n\n------------------------------------------------------\n\n(Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Elaine. George is watching TV.)\n\nELAINE\nIt's like she's carrying invisible suitcases.\n\nJERRY\nLike this? (imitates the walk)\n\nELAINE\nYes, exactly.\n\nJERRY\nThat's so strange.\n\nELAINE\nRight. So why I'm the one who gets 'reer'.\nYou know I mean they were being as catty\nas I was. It's a double standard.\n\nJERRY\nOh, what about 'ladies night'? Women\nadmitted free before 10?\n\nELAINE\nThat is so stupid.\n\nJERRY\nReer.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, 'The White Shadow' is on...\n\nJERRY\nBoy, your really packing it all in.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, my vacation just started. I need\na day or two to de-compress. Besides,\nI did plenty today.\n\nJERRY\nLike what?\n\nGEORGE\nI bought a new recliner with a fridge\nbuild right in to it.\n\n(Kramer enters wearing a bathrobe)\n\nKRAMER\nHey Jerry, you got any Tums?\n\nJERRY\nStomach ache?\n\nKRAMER\nI drank too much water in the shower.\n\nJERRY\nAah, top of the fridge. Hey George,\nI'm taking that waitress to the Tony's.\n\nGEORGE\nShadow!\n\nKRAMER\nOh, the Tony's. I'll see you there buddy.\n\nELAINE\nYou're going to the Tony's too?\n\nKRAMER\nRoger that.\n\nJERRY\nWhere are you sitting?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, all over the place. Yeah, I'm\na seat filler. They don't like to see\nempty seats on TV so when somebody gets\nup I just park my kaboos on their spot\nuntil they get back.\n\nELAINE\nHow did you get that job?\n\nKRAMER\nMickey, Mickey he hooked me up. He's\na member of the academy.\n\nJERRY\nWhat academy?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, he didn't say (leaves).\n\n------------------------------------------------------\n\n(Jerry comes to pick up Lanette)\n\nLANETTE\nHi!\n\nJERRY\nHi!\n\nLANETTE\nNice tuxedo.\n\nJERRY\nThanks, it's a breakaway.\n\nLANETTE\nShould we go?\n\nJERRY\nAbsolutely.\n\nLANETTE\nLyle, were going! Jerry, this is Lyle.\n\nLYLE\nHey, how you doing?\n\nJERRY\nOk...\n\n(Lyle and Lanette kiss)\n\nLANETTE\nBye.\n\nLYLE\nHave a good time.\n\nJERRY\nThanks, Lyle...\n\n---------------------------------------------------------\n\n(At the Tony's. Kramer is looking a place to fill. One man stands\nup.)\n\nKRAMER\nAre you leaving? Cause I got you covered.\n\n(man tries to button his jacket and Kramer squeezes to his seat)\n\nKRAMER\nI'll just squeeze in...\n\nMAN\nWhat are you doing?\n\nKRAMER\nMy job. What are you doing?\n\n(Kramer looks at the woman next to him)\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, if they catch two of us on\nTV, you got some explaining to do.\n\n(Same time Jerry and the waitress are sitting elsewhere.)\n\nJERRY\nSo, you and Lyle are roommates?\n\nLANETTE\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nGay?\n\nLANETTE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nIs he gay?\n\nLANETTE\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nAre you sure?\n\nLANETTE\nI think I would know.\n\nJERRY TO HIMSELF\nThis is a new one.\n\n(Kramer takes a bite and hits the man in front of him in the\nhead. Then points the blame to lady next to him.)\n\nANNOUNCER\n...and the best musical award goes to:\nScarsdale surprise!\n\n(People around Kramer stand up and roll on to the stage taking\nKramer with them.)\n\n(George is at home watching the show on TV and takes a soda out\nof his new recliner.)\n\nGEORGE\nKramer?\n\n(TV shows the producers and Kramer accepting the award on stage.)\n\nMR. GRAHAM ON TV\nThank you and God bless you all. This\nhas truly been a Scarsdale surprise!\n\n------------------------------------------------------------------\n\n(At Monk's. Elaine and Sam.)\n\nSAM\nElaine, am I crazy? I just get the feeling\nthat Dugan and the others are making\nfun of me all the time.\n\nELAINE\nWell, You might wanna think about...maybe,\neh...moving your arms a little when\nyou walk.\n\nSAM\nMy arms?\n\nELAINE\nYou know, sort of swing them, so your\nnot lurching around like a caveman.\n\nSAM\nI a caveman?\n\nELAINE\nNo no no no, it's just...\n\nSAM\nEverybody told what a catty shrude you\nare. Your horrible!\n\n------------------------------------------------------------------\n\n(5A. Jerry and George.)\n\nGEORGE\nShe had a dude?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, when I went to pick her up there\nwas this dude.\n\nGEORGE\nHow do you know it was her dude?\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you think it could've been just\nsome dude?\n\nGEORGE\nSure, dudes in this town are dime a\ndozen.\n\nJERRY\nI reckon.\n\nGEORGE\nOr maybe, she just wanted to go to the\nTony's. I tell you what; you ask her\nout again. No Tony, just Jerry. That\nway you know it he was her dude or just\n\nsome dude.\n\nJERRY\nDude!\n\n(They make a high five.)\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, that's enough. I gotta go\nhome and take a nap.\n\nJERRY\nIt's 10:30 in the morning?\n\nGEORGE\nI tell you; I'm wiped.\n\nJERRY\nSo, has the summer of George already\nstarted or are you still de-composing?\n\nGEORGE\nDe-compressing.\n\n(Kramer enters wearing a tuxedo and carrying a Tony statue.)\n\nKRAMER\nWhooa, good morning gentleman and Tony\nsays hello to you.\n\nJERRY\nYou didn't give that thing back?\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, it was a whirlwind. They whisked\nus backstage, the media is sworming,\nchampagne is flowing...whooo! I can't\ndescribe how great it is to win.\n\nJERRY\nThat's because you didn't win.\n\nGEORGE\n'Scarsdale surprise'. That's the musical\nabout that Scarsdale diet doctor murder.\n\nKRAMER\nFeaturing the mind-blowing performance\nof Ms. Raquel Welch!\n\nJERRY\nYou haven't even seen it.\n\nKRAMER\nAah, Jerry I'm not gonna let you bring\nme down from this high. I've been partying\nall night. I saw the sunrise at Liza's!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, Minelli's!?!\n\nKRAMER\nNo.\n\n----------------------------------------------------------------------\n\n(Elaine's office. She is at her desk talking to Sam.)\n\nELAINE\nSam, listen I'm so sorry about the other\nday.\n\nSAM\nNo, don't apologize Elaine. I was thinking\nthat maybe I should swing my arms a\nlittle bit more.\n\nELAINE\nSee, yeah, that's all I was saying.\n\nSAM\nHow's this (Sam hits a pen case out\nof the table), or this (swings a paper\nholder of the table and starts to clear\nthe table left and right).\n\nELAINE\nWell, you seem to be getting a hang\nof it...\n\n---------------------------------------------------------------------\n\n(Jerry is picking up Lanette again. She opens the door wearing\na towel.)\n\nJERRY\nHi!\n\nLANETTE\nSorry, I'm running late. I just lost\ntrack of time.\n\nJERRY\nNo rush.\n\n(Lyle walks by wearing a towel.)\n\nLYLE\nHey, Jerry! What's up?\n\nJERRY TO HIMSELF\nI have absolutely no idea.\n\n----------------------------------------------------------------------\n\n(5A. Jerry is on the phone with George who is at home.)\n\n(missing the beginning)\n\nJERRY\n..except that the dude plays the showroom\nand I'm stuck doing food and beveridged!\n\n(Kramer comes in with the Tony.)\n\nGEORGE\nWho's that?\n\nJERRY\nIt's Kramer.\n\nGEORGE\nHey Kramer.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge says hi.\n\nGEORGE\nHow's that Tony?\n\nJERRY\nWhy don't you just come over?\n\nGEORGE\nWhy can't we do this on the phone? What's\nKramer doing now?\n\nJERRY\nHe's looking on to fridgerator.\n\nGEORGE\nKramer. Anything good in there? Any\nPopsicles?\n\nJERRY\nI can't do this.\n\nKRAMER\nSo, what's George doing?\n\nJERRY\nHe's not doing anything. Goodbye!\n\nKRAMER\nSo listen, I'm going to crab a bite\nto eat at Sardi's. You wanna go?\n\nJERRY\nAre you taking the Tony to Sardi's?\n\nKRAMER\nThe Tony is taking me to Sardi's.\n\n(Knock on the door. Jerry opens and it's Lanette.)\n\nJERRY\nOh, hello.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm going.\n\nLANETTE\nCongratulations!\n\nKRAMER\nOh, thank you, thank you so much. I\nhave so many people I want to thank\nand don't want to forget anyone...\n\nJERRY\nAll right, all right.\n\n(Phone rings and Jerry answers.)\n\nJERRY\nI said no! (hangs up the phone.)\n\nLANETTE\nJerry, I just want to let you know;\nLyle and I are completely over. I'd\nrather be with you.\n\nJERRY\nJust me? No dudes or fellas?\n\nLANETTE\nWhat you think?\n\nJERRY\nI can start right away.\n\n(Phone rings again.)\n\nJERRY\nBut not here. (They leave.)\n\n-------------------------------------------------------------\n\n(At Sardi's. Kramer is sitting with a group of people.)\n\nKRAMER\n...so I said to him: Arthur, Artie come\non, why does the salesman have to die?\nChange the title; The life of a salesman.\nThat's what people want to see.\n\nMR. GRAHAM\nMr. Kramer, my name is Lewis Maxton\nGraham. I'm one of the producers of\n'Scarsdale surprise'.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, eh, Lew!\n\nMR. GRAHAM\nWe need to talk.\n\n-------------------------------------------------------------\n\n(Elaine is talking to Peterman at her office.)\n\nPETERMAN\nElaine, what did you want to talk me\nabout?\n\nELAINE\nThis. My office. Sam trashed my office.\n\nPETERMAN\nWell, I see what's going on in here.\nI am smack dab in the middle of a good\nold fashioned cat fight.\n\nELAINE\nMr. Petermen, this is not a cat fight.\nThis is violent psychotic behavior directed\nat me all because are told her to swing\nher arms.\n\nPETERMAN\nWoof!\n\nELAINE\nDo you mean \"reer?\"\n\nPETERMEN\nYes, that's the one! Good day Elaine.\n(Leaves.)\n\nELAINE\nOh, no please Mr. Peterman, she's crazy!\n(Sam walks by and Elaine starts to sing)\nCrazy for feelings...\n\n-----------------------------------------------------------------\n\n(At Monk's. Jerry and Lanette.)\n\nJERRY\nI can't believe how much we did this\nafternoon. I have friends who this would've\nbe their whole life.\n\nLANETTE\nNow, what time are you picking me up\ntonight?\n\nJERRY\nEh, what?\n\nLANETTE\nYou got our reservation from Sfuzi's,\ndidn't you?\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah, Sfuzi? I- I've gotta do that.\n\nLANETTE\nShould I ware the outfit I bought today?\n\nJERRY\nSure.\n\nLANETTE\nWhich one?\n\nJERRY\nThe one with the...(mumbles.)\n\nLANETTE\nIf I wanna get my hair cut I've gotta\ngo now. Call me when you get home. I\nwont be there, but leave a message so\nI know you called.\n\nJERRY\nOk, ok...\n\nLANETTE\nDo you mind?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I'll crab it.\n\n(Lanette leaves and Jerry bangs his head to the table. George\nwalks in.)\n\nGEORGE\nHey, I've done that today.\n\nJERRY\nWhat, did you lose your remote?\n\nGEORGE\nNah, the cable's out. What's with you?\nYou look dead.\n\nJERRY\nIt's Lanette! I need an assistant or\nintern or something.\n\nGEORGE\n(Laughs) Relationship intern...hey,\nwhat if two of us teamed up?\n\nJERRY\nNot.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no...\n\nJERRY\nNo, because that's...\n\nGEORGE\nNo, listen; we are always sitting here,\nI am always helping you with your girl\nproblems and you are helping me with\nmy girl problems. Where do we end up?\n\nJERRY\nHere.\n\nGEORGE\nExactly! Because neither one of us can't\nhandle a woman all by ourselves.\n\nJERRY\nI'm trying.\n\nGEORGE\nI've tried. We don't have it. But maybe\nthe two of us, working together at full\ncapacity, could do the job of one normal\nman.\n\nJERRY\nThen each of us would only have be like\na half man. That sounds about right!\n\n------------------------------------------------------------------\n\n(Kramer at Sardi's, talking with two producers.)\n\nMR. GRAHAM\nI'm sure how excited you are to have\nthis very very prestigious award. But\nyou didn't have anything to do with\nthe actual production.\n\nKRAMER\nNo.\n\nMR. GRAHAM\nI don't think there's no way how we\ncan allow you to keep this Tony. Unless...\n\nKRAMER\nAnything...\n\nMALCOLM\nAre you familiar with our star, Raquel\nWelch?\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah, she's fantastic....\n\nMR. GRAHAM\nShe's a train wreck.\n\nMALCOLM\nThere's a big tap dance number just\nbefore Jean Harris leaves the (?) school\nto confront Dr Tarnover.\n\nMR. GRAHAM\nIt is a gut wrenching scene.\n\nMALCOLM\nBut, Raquel Welch doesn't move her arms\nwhen she tap dances. It's very distracting.\n\nMR. GRAHAM\nThere's lot of this (swings his arms)\nin tap dancing.\n\nKRAMER\nSo, you'd like me to teach how to dance?\n\nMALCOLM\nNo, we want you to fire her.\n\n----------------------------------------------------------\n\n(5A. Jerry and Kramer.)\n\nJERRY\nWhy they want you to fire Raquel Welch?\n\nKRAMER\nBecause they're terrified of her. I\nheard from someone that when they cut\none of her lines, she climbed up the\nrope on side of the stage and started\ndropping\n\nlights on peoples heads. Story like that has got to be true.\n\nJERRY\nShe seems very nice.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, you're not in show business.\nYou don't know what these people are\nlike.\n\nJERRY\nI'm in show business.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, come on! What am I gonna do? She's\ngoing to eat me alive.\n\nJERRY\nI've got a tape of 'Fantastic voyage'\nif you think that would help.\n\nKRAMER\nYayaya...\n\n(Elaine enters.)\n\nELAINE\nJerry, that crazy straight-armed woman\ndown at Peterman's trashed my office.\nAnd then listen to this; this is message\nshe left me.\n\n(Takes a tape recorder and plays the tape.)\n\nSAM'S VOICE\nElaine...I am going to find you. If\nnot in your office then in the xerox\nroom or the little conference room near\nto the kitchen...\n\nELAINE\nShe must've got a blueprint of the building\nor something.\n\nJERRY\nDid you tell Peterman about this?\n\nELAINE\nWell, I tried, but he thought it was\nsome sort of cat fight.\n\nKRAMER\nCat fight?\n\nELAINE\nOk, why? Why do guys do this? What is\nso appealing to men about a cat fight?\n\nKRAMER\nYeye cat fight!\n\nJERRY\nBecause men think if women are grabbing\nand clawing at each other there's a\nchance they might somehow kiss.\n\nKRAMER\nT-t-t-t...\n\n-----------------------------------------------------------------\n\n(Jerry and George are walking down the street.)\n\nJERRY\nYou got the tickets?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, two for the 7:15 of Novaj pravas\n(?). What you're wearing the green sweater?\n\nJERRY\nI like it.\n\nGEORGE\nShe doesn't like. Here is your blue\none, it's her favorite. (Takes sweater\nout of his bag.)\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nJust put it on! All right now, remember\nshe had her nails done today so remark\nhow you like the color. And if you need\nme you beep me, all right. Here you\n\ngo, hey, hey, hey, hey...(sprays Binaca into Jerry's mouth.)\nGo get'em you're a tiger!\n\nJERRY\nHey George, one second, she's having\na party friday night and she wants me\nto take care of the invitations.\n\nGEORGE\nA little notice would've helped! How\nmany people?\n\nJERRY\n35, and George, on the invitations...\n\nGEORGE\nI know, I know...don't skimp. Go go\ngo go...\n\n(Jerry leaves and Lanette joins him.)\n\nLANETTE\nRight on time, I like that.\n\nJERRY\nI like your nails, that is a great color.\n\nLANETTE\nLove the sweater.\n\nJERRY\nThis old thing?\n\n----------------------------------------------------------------\n\n(George is getting the invitations, Melody Stationers.)\n\nGEORGE\nHi, I need some party invitations.\n\nCLERK\nOkay, have you been in here before?\n\nGEORGE\nAbout a year ago. Wedding invitations.\n\nCLERK\nRight, how did that all work out?\n\nGEORGE\nNo complaints.\n\nCLERK\nWell, they are arranged according the\nprice. And as I recall...(she flips\nthe sample book all the way to the end.)\n\nGEORGE\nActually, (George flips the book back\nto the beginning) I'll take these nice\nglossy ones.\n\n--------------------------------------------------------------------\n\n(Majestic theater, Raquel Welch's dressing room.)\n\nRAQUEL\n\"You are a fraud Dr Tarnover. You haven't\neven been to Scarsdale.\"\n\n(Kramer knocks on the door and enters.)\n\nKRAMER\nMs. Welch.\n\nRAQUEL\nWho are you?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I'm Cosmo Kramer, I'm one of the\nproducers.\n\n(Phone rings and Raquel answers.)\n\nRAQUEL\nHello, Sidney! No, no I told you I don't\nwant to do that! If you bring it up\nagain I will feed your genitals to a\nwolf! (hangs up) Kids! You're still\nhere.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I- I Ms. Welch I do need to talk\nto you about a little problem regarding,\neh, your performance.\n\n(Raquel kicks a chair out of her way.)\n\nRAQUEL\nWhat kind of problem?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, it seems that due to the vagaries\nof the production parameters of this\nfragmenting of the audience to the cable\ntelevision, carnivals, water parks...\n\nRAQUEL\nOut with it!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you're fired because you don't\nmove your arms when you tap dance, you're\nlike a gorilla out there I've gotta\ngo...\n\n(Kramer runs out, but Raquel grabs him from the back.)\n\n--------------------------------------------------------\n\n(George walks at the park with the invitations. A frisbee flies\nto his feet.)\n\nGUY\nLittle help?\n\nGEORGE\nHey, frolf?\n\nGUY\nYeah, you know we need a fourth for\nthe back nine. You want in?\n\n\"What's the deal with airplane peanuts?\")\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, sure.\n\nGUY\nOk, come on.\n\n-------------------------------------------------------\n\n(Jerry is at Lanette's apartment. They are both wearing a towel.)\n\nJERRY\nOk, let's towel it up.\n\nLANETTE\nJerry, where are those invitations you\nwere supposed to get? If they don't\ngo out today they're useless.\n\nJERRY\nBut we're in towels.\n\nLANETTE\nJerry.\n\nJERRY\nall right. One second.\n\n(Picks up the phone.)\n\n(George runs up the stairs)\n\nGEORGE\nHe frolfs, he scores...(he drops one\ninvitation on the stairs.)\n\n(George comes to his apartment and picks up the phone.)\n\nGEORGE\nHello.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, where are those invitations?\nYou were supposed to leave them with\nher doorman!\n\nLANETTE COMES BY\nDid you shave your chest hair?\n\nJERRY\nNo. (Lanette leaves.) Did you at least\npick them up?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, the super glossy. The best they\nhad.\n\nJERRY\nOk, get them over here pronto. We're\nin towels here George.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, All right, keep your towel\non.\n\nJERRY\n...what?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's a joke.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, that's not bad. Now get over\nhere!\n\n(George leaves from his apartment and comes down the stairs.\nHe slips on an invitation and falls on his back.)\n\n-------------------------------------------------------------------\n\n(Elaine is on the street and plays a tape to two police officers.)\n\nELAINE\nCan't you do anything about this? I\nmean this woman is a psycho!\n\nCOP#1\n'Reer.'\n\nELAINE\nLook, just because I'm a woman...\n\nCOP#2\n'Mauau.'\n\nCOP#1\n'Meeow.'\n\n---\n\n(Raquel Welch walks down the street.)\n\nRAQUEL\nI don't move my arms when I dance. That's\nmy signature!\n\n---\n\nELAINE\nWould you just keep an eye out for this\nwoman. She's about ye high and eh, she\ndoesn't swing her arms when she walks.\n\nCOP#1\nWhat do you mean?\n\nELAINE\nLike this...(imitates the walk with\nher arms hanging.)\n\n(Raquel Welch comes towards her.)\n\nRAQUEL\nWhat the hell is that? Are you making\nfun of my dancing?\n\nELAINE\nAren't you Raquel Welch?\n\nRAQUEL\nYou know who I am. Now, what are you\ndoing?\n\nELAINE\nNothing, I wasn't just moving my arms...\n\nRAQUEL\nThat's it, you are going down.\n\nCOP#1\nOoh, cat fight.\n\n----------------------------------------------------\n\n(The New York Hospital. Jerry and Kramer.)\n\nKRAMER\nSo how's George?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know. They don't tell me anything.\nWhat's that? (Kramer holds a broken\nTony)\n\nKRAMER\nTony.\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened to you?\n\nKRAMER\nRaquel Welch!\n\nJERRY\nYikes.\n\n(Elaine comes. She has a scars on her face.)\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened to you?\n\nELAINE\nRaquel Welch!\n\nKRAMER\nThe woman is a menace.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I bumped in to her on the street.\nIt got pretty ugly.\n\nJERRY\nCat fight with Raquel Welch.\n\nKRAMER\nYey eye ca-catfight.\n\n(George is wheeled in on a hospital bed.)\n\nELAINE\nMy god, George!\n\nGEORGE\nI slipped on the invitations...how's\nthe towels?\n\nJERRY\nBack on the rack.\n\nGEORGE\nWith the two of us?\n\nJERRY\nI think we're still a man short.\n\n(Doctor comes.)\n\nDOCTOR\nMr. Costanza. ..your legs have sustained\nextensive trauma. Apparently your body\nwas in the state of advanced atrophy,\ndue to a period of extreme inactivity.\n\nBut with a lot of hard work and a little bit of luck, I think\nthere's a good chance you may, one day, walk again.\n\n(Doctor leaves.)\n\nKRAMER\nWell, that's good news.\n\nELAINE\nWow, invitations again...\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, that's weird.\n\nELAINE\nAll right, well...you want to grab some\ncoffee?\n\nJERRY\nYeah...\n\nKRAMER\nI'd like to get some coffee.\n\n(Jerry, Kramer and Elaine leave.)\n\nGEORGE\nThis was supposed to be 'The summer\nof George'! The summer of George.\n\n(George is at the hospital physical therapy, trying to walk,\nleaning on parallel bars. Next to him, Sam tries to walk with\nswinging her arms.)\n\nTHERAPIST\nNow, swing them...swing...swing them,\njust swing them.\n\nSAM\nI can't do it. It's hard!\n\n(George is at end of the bars and falls down. He tries to get\nup.)\n\nGEORGE\nStill a little summer left.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Butter-Shave.html",
    "text": "THE BUTTER SHAVE\n\nWritten by\n\nAlec Berg, Jeff Schaffer & David Mandel\n\nExterior of Monk's coffee shop. Cut to Jerry and George at their\nregular booth.\n\nA newspaper blocks out view of George's face. He lowers the paper\nto reveal...\n\na moustache.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat is Holland?\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you mean, 'what is it?' It's\na\n\ncountry right next to Belgium.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, that's the Netherlands.\n\nJERRY\nHolland *is* the Netherlands.\n\nGEORGE\nThen who are the Dutch?\n\nJERRY\nYou know I cannot stand this thing anymore.\n\nGEORGE\nI know, I hate it too. I feel like an\nout of work porn star.\n\nJERRY\nI told you, we should have taken some\nkind of vacation.\n\nGEORGE\nWell why didn't we?\n\nJERRY\nBecause you said this would be better.\nRemember? A vacation from\n\nourselves. That's what you said.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat if we grew muttonchops?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nBuzz cuts? Parachute pants!\n\nJERRY\nStop it, George. Stop it. I'm sorry,\nyou've gotta get a job.\n\nGEORGE\nDammit.\n\nGeorge approaches Jerry at the bar of a nightclub, carrying a\ncane.\n\nGEORGE\nHey hey hey, check me out, huh?\n\nJERRY\nNo more crutches, that must be a relief.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, with crutches everyone has questions.\n\nJERRY\nNot with a cane?\n\nGEORGE\nNah, with crutches it's a funny story,\nwith a cane it's a sad story. You through\nwith those?\n\nGeorge uses the cane handle to drag a bowl of pretzels over from\nthe other end of the bar.\n\nJERRY\nAlways a sad story. Hey, you should\nhave been here tonight. Some guy\n\nfrom NBC saw my set, he wants me to do a showcase. I might have\nanother shot at a pilot.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, we're back in!\n\nJERRY\nWe? No.\n\nCLUB ANNOUNCER\nLadies and gentlemen, Kenny Bania.\n\nApplause from off camera, then Bania walks up to the bar.\n\nBANIA\nThank you, thank you, (To Jerry) Hey,\nJerry, didja see me up there? I\n\nwas killing, Jerry. Killing. I killed.\n\nJERRY\nKilled?\n\nBANIA\nKilled. (pause) I'm gonna go pick up\nsome chicks. Good looking ones too!\n(walking away) Hey, what's your name?\n\nGEORGE\nKilled.\n\nJERRY\nBecause I killed first and warmed up\nthe crowd. He's like that fish that\nattaches himself to the shark.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd you're the shark?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I'm the shark and he's the fish\neating my laughs.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know how a fish could eat laughs.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I'm glad I brought it up.\n\nJerry's apartment. George and Jerry are there, clean shaven,\nGeorge is on the phone. Kramer walks in wearing a moustache.\n\nKRAMER\nGot any shredded coconut?\n\nJERRY\nUh, we're not doing that any more.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah, right. (walks out)\n\nGEORGE\nOh my god.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nI got a job interview. They want to\nsee me this afternoon.\n\nJERRY\nSo what's this job?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, it's beautiful. It's in sports.\n\nJERRY\nKnicks? Rangers?\n\nGEORGE\nPlayground equipment.\n\nJERRY\nWelcome back to the show.\n\nKramer walks back in, clean shaven.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, this is better. So, you got any\nshredded coconut?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nI gotta hobble. (walks out)\n\nKramer puts some aftershave on his lip.\n\nKRAMER\nD-d-d-d. I gotta switch shaving cream.\nI'm getting no protection.\n\nJERRY\nWhat kind do you use?\n\nKRAMER\nWhatever you get.\n\nJERRY\nLook, postcard from Elaine from Europe.\n\nKRAMER\nDon't tell me she's dragging another\npoor guy across Europe.\n\nJERRY\nRemember David Puddy?\n\nKRAMER\nShe's dating him again, huh?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I guess she's batted around and\nshe's back at the top of the order.\n\nKRAMER\nBoy, a month in Europe with Elaine.\nThat guy's coming home in a body bag.\n\nAtlas map of Scandinavia with Oslo, Norway highlighted. Cut to\nElaine and Puddy in the back seat of a taxi.\n\nPUDDY\nWell, let's see, I've got a ten kroner,\na five kroner, a twenty kroner. No wait,\nthat's another ten kroner. A fimty kroner?\nHow much is that?\n\nELAINE\nWe have to break up.\n\nPUDDY\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nI can't take this any more! I don't\nwant to hear how interesting the change\nwith the hole in it is! And if you tell\nme what time it is in New York again,\nyou are going home in a body bag!\n\nPUDDY\nWell what about you? What do you think\nThe Gap in Rome has that's not in The\nGap on Broadway?\n\nELAINE\nOkay, alright listen. Forget about The\nGap because we are through!\n\nPUDDY\nFine!\n\nELAINE\nFine!\n\nCAB DRIVER\nOkay, terminal three. Have a nice flight.\n\nInterior of an airplane. Elaine and Puddy are seated together.\n\nCAPTAIN\nLadies and gentlemen, our flight time,\nwith stopovers, will be approximately\n22 hours.\n\nELAINE\nHey, you gonna bust out that drink cart\nor what?\n\nJerry's apartment. Kramer and Jerry are there.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, what are you doing?\n\nJERRY\nOh, I'm taking this lace out. It came\nundone and touched the floor of a men's\nroom. That's the end of that.\n\nKRAMER\nDid you see Bania's set last night?\n'Cause I read on the Internet he killed.\n\nJERRY\nHe killed. He only does well when he\nhas me for a lead-in. He's a time slot\nhit.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you gotta give him some credit.\n(starts rubbing a stick of Jerry's butter\nacross his face) You're just being totally\nridiculous. (keeps rubbing) I'll see\nyou later buddy.\n\nJERRY\nWait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nDo I have to ask?\n\nKRAMER\nI ran out of butter so I had to borrow\nyours. Anything else, Mr. Nosy?\n\nKramer starts to walk out, Jerry grabs him by the shirttail and\ndrags him back.\n\nJERRY\nWhy are you buttering your face?\n\nKRAMER\nI'm shaving with it.\n\nJERRY\nOh Moses smell the roses.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, it's vastly superior to any commercial\nshaving cream. Now feel my face.\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nKRAMER\nFeel it.\n\nJERRY\nI don't want to.\n\nKRAMER\nFeel it. Feel it.\n\nJerry places two slices of bread against Kramer's face.\n\nJERRY\nThat is close.\n\nKramer takes the bread and eats it as he walks out of Jerry's\napartment.\n\nGeorge's job interview at Play Now Sporting Goods.\n\nGEORGE\nI got the job?\n\nMR. THOMASSOULO\nI don't want you to think that anyone's\ngonna treat you any differently just\nbecause of your, uh, handicap.\n\nGEORGE\nHandicap? (gesturing to his cane) I'm\nnot handicapped.\n\nMR. THOMASSOULO\nI'm sorry. Differently, uh, advantaged.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, I didn't mean that.\n\nMR. THOMASSOULO\nOf course you will have your own private,\nfully equipped bathroom.\n\nGEORGE\nWhen do I start?\n\nMR. THOMASSOULO\nWhenever you feel that you're able.\n(Rises to show George out) Um, you need\na hand here.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, what the hell.\n\nMonk's. George and Jerry are in their regular booth.\n\nJERRY\nYou got the job?\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, it's fantastic. I love the people\nover there. They treat me so great.\nYou know they think I'm handicapped,\nthey gave me this incredible office,\na great view.\n\nJERRY\nHold on, they think you're handicapped?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, yeah, well, because of the cane.\nYou should see the bathroom they gave\nme!\n\nJERRY\nHow can you do this?\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, let's face it, I've always been\nhandicapped. I'm just now getting the\nrecognition for it. Name one thing I\nhave that puts me in a position of advantage.\nHuh? There was a guy that worked at\nthe Yankees-- no arms! He got more work\ndone than I did, made more money, had\na wife, a family, drove a better car\nthan I did.\n\nJERRY\nHe drove a car with no arms?\n\nGEORGE\nAlright I made up the part about the\ncar, but the rest is true. He hated\nme anyway!\n\nJERRY\nDo you know how hard it's getting just\nto tell people I know you?\n\nGEORGE\nI love that bathroom. It's got that\nhigh, high toilet. I feel like a gargoyle\nperched on the ledge of a building.\n\nKramer walks up holding an institutional sized container of butter.\n\nKRAMER\nThey hooked me up.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's with all the butter?\n\nKRAMER\nI'm shaving with it, and you know what\nI discovered?\n\nJERRY\nYou can eat it?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, my face feels so good, I'm gonna\nuse it all over my body.\n\nJerry smirks, Kramer walks away.\n\nJERRY\nOh my god, it's Bania and Jenna.\n\nGEORGE\nWho?\n\nJERRY\nThe tooth brush in the toilet bowl.\n\nBania and Jenna walk over.\n\nBANIA\nHey Jerry, this is Jenna. Pretty good\nlookin' huh?\n\nJENNA\nJerry's the guy that I dated right before\nyou.\n\nBANIA\nOh. This is awkward.\n\nJENNA\nDon't worry, Kenny. After dating Jerry,\nyou're a pleasure.\n\nBania and Jenna leave.\n\nJERRY\nI don't believe this.\n\nGEORGE\nYou miss her, don't you?\n\nJERRY\nNo! He's riding my coattails again.\nHe's getting everything off me, first\nlaughs now ladies.\n\nGEORGE\nYou miss her.\n\nPuddy and Elaine on the plane.\n\nPUDDY\nYou know I think ultimately, I'm upset\nwith myself. I knew what I was getting\ninto, she's a bitter, unstable person.\nI mean the sex was good. I'm sure it\nwas fine for her. I need more.\n\nELAINE\nHuh. You believing this?\n\nPASSENGER\nExcuse me, I was sleeping.\n\nELAINE\nYou missed quite a performance.\n\nElaine drinks from a can of juice.\n\nPASSENGER\nThat's my apple juice.\n\nA \"Handicapped George montage\" at Play Now Sporting Goods. With\n\"Morning Train\"\n\nby Sheena Easton as the background, George rides up the stairs\non a rail, is\n\ncarried through the hall by a woman, is caught 'fencing' with\nhis cane and fakes\n\na lame knee, and trips a co-worker with the cane handle and gets\nlaughs from\n\neveryone, including the man he tripped.\n\nJerry walks into his apartment sniffing the air, followed closely\nby Newman.\n\nJERRY\nSomeone's cooking.\n\nNEWMAN\nHello, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHello, Newman.\n\nNEWMAN\nYou know, old friend, sometimes I ponder\nthis silly gulf between us and I say,\n\"Why?\" Are we really so different. For\nwhat is--\n\nJERRY\nI'm not the one doing the cooking, Newman.\n\nNEWMAN\nDamn you Seinfeld. You useless pustule.\nUm, somebody's got something on the\ngriddle. Maybe it's Kramer.\n\nJERRY\nNo, he's up on the roof getting some\nsun with the butter - pause - Oh no!\n\nNEWMAN\nButter?\n\nBack to the airplane. Elaine and Puddy indirectly attack each\nother.\n\nPASSENGER\n-Fimty kroner.\n\nELAINE\nYou know my last boyfriend, he had a\nreal kroner\n\ncomprehension problem. No what I mean? A real cement head.\n\nPuddy and the woman across the aisle share a laugh.\n\nWOMAN\nDavid, you are so funny.\n\nPUDDY\nYeah, I know.\n\nELAINE\nWhat are you doing?\n\nPUDDY\nIt's a long flight, Elaine. I had to\nget on with my life.\n\nELAINE\nBy making time with some floozy across\nthe aisle?\n\nPUDDY\nYeah, that's right. Well, what's going\non over there with you and, uh, vegetable\nlasagna?\n\nELAINE\nThis guy? He's an idiot. He doesn't\nmean anything to me.\n\nPASSENGER\nI can hear you.\n\nPUDDY\nWell, she doesn't mean anything to me\neither. If it were up to me, we'd still\nbe together.\n\nELAINE\nWell maybe I feel the same way.\n\nPUDDY\nOk.\n\nELAINE\nOk, so now what?\n\nPUDDY\nLet's make out.\n\nRoof of Jerry and Kramer's building, very bright and sunny. Kramer\nis decked out shirtless\n\nand sleeping on a lawn chair, and he's bright red.\n\nJERRY\nKramer!\n\nKRAMER\nOh, man. I think I cooked myself.\n\nJERRY\nLook at your skin.\n\nKRAMER\nStick a fork in me, Jerry. I'm done.\n\nJerry's apartment, Kramer walks in.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm fried.\n\nJERRY\nTechnically, you're saut\u00e9ed. So, what\nare you doing for that?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I just gotta keep my skin moist\nso I don't dry out.\n\nJERRY\nIs that what the doctor said?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, I read an article in Bon Appetite\nmagazine.\n\nKramer leaves, George enters, limping.\n\nGEORGE\nHmm. Game hen?\n\nJERRY\nKind of. Nice limp, you're bringing\nyour work home with you?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I fake limp on my right. This is\na real limp because I sprained my ankle.\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I was buttering myself up for\na nice shave --\n\nJERRY\nOh no, not you too?\n\nGEORGE\nI must have dripped some on the floor\nand I slipped and...\n\nJERRY\nYou know what's good for that? Relish.\n\nPhone rings, Jerry answers.\n\nJERRY\nHello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld.\nWhat? No. No! No! No!! No!!!\n\nThank you. (Hangs up.) I don't believe this. They've added Bania\nto the network showcase and he's going on right after me.\n\nGEORGE\nSo what, he's got a couple of good jokes.\n\nJERRY\nLike what, Ovaltine? Why do dogs drink\nout of the toilet? Shopping\n\ncarts with one bad wheel?\n\nGEORGE\nThat's true, that always happens to\nme.\n\nJERRY\nYou think that's funny?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know, I like stuff you don't\nhave to think about too much.\n\nJERRY\nYou like Bania's act. You're a closet\nBania fan!\n\nGEORGE\nmaybe I am.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I'm gonna puke.\n\nGEORGE\nPuke! That's a funny word. Puke. (laughing)\npuke! Don't have to\n\nthink about that.\n\nElaine and Puddy on the plane.\n\nELAINE\nI can't believe we broke up like that.\n\nElaine starts reading, Puddy stares off into space.\n\nELAINE\nDo you want something to read?\n\nPUDDY\nNah.\n\nELAINE\nWell, are you going to take a nap or\n--\n\nPUDDY\nNah.\n\nELAINE\nYou're just going to sit there staring\nat the back of a seat?\n\nPUDDY\nYeah.\n\nElaine tries to read but cannot concentrate.\n\nELAINE\nThat's it! I cannot take this! I mean,\nlook at this, nothing has\n\nchanged. We're back together two hours, we're having the same\nproblems we had\n\n12 hours ago.\n\nPUDDY\nTell me about it, I don't know why I\never took you back.\n\nELAINE\nPlease! I took you back. You know it,\nI know it, vegetable lasagna\n\nhere knows it.\n\nVEGETABLE LASAGNA\nI don't want to get involved.\n\nELAINE\nUgh, I hope a giant mountain rises out\nof the ocean and we just ram\n\nright into it and end this whole thing!\n\nVEGETABLE LASAGNA\nOh god.\n\nElaine then slams her seat back several times into the legs of\nthe passenger\n\nseated behind her.\n\nPASSENGER\nOw! Ow!!\n\nKramer's apartment, Kramer is in the hot tub, Newman is seated\nbeside it,\n\nreading \"Alive\"\n\nNEWMAN\nHow much longer you gonna be, I'm starving\nhere.\n\nKRAMER\nJust a few more squirts. Cause I gotta\nstay juicy.\n\nNEWMAN\nThe smell. It's still with you, huh?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, it's baked on it. Put some butter\nin. Stir it up so it melts.\n\nNewman stirs the hot tub with a lacrosse stick, licking his lips\nand working\n\nhimself up.\n\nKRAMER\nAhh, now I'm simmering.\n\nNewman drops the stick and runs out.\n\nNEWMAN\nI'll meet you at the coffee shop.\n\nGeorge and Mr. Thomassoulo at Play Now.\n\nMR. THOMASSOULO\nGood morning, George. Is something wrong\nwith your other leg?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, no, that's just the old handicap\nacting up.\n\nMR. THOMASSOULO\nBut your cane's on the wrong side.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's just because we're standing on\nopposite sides. See, when we\n\nmet, I was over there and you were over here so the image was\nreversed, like in\n\nthe mirror.\n\nThey walk over to a mirrored wall.\n\nGEORGE\nSee? This looks right to you, doesn't\nit?\n\nMR. THOMASSOULO\nUh, yeah, I guess.\n\nGEORGE\nBut, see here.\n\nRight. Wrong. Right. Wrong. Right. Right. Wrong--\n\nMR. THOMASSOULO\nWill you stop it, George? Just stop\nit! I think I can see\n\nwhat's going on here.\n\nJerry's apartment, there's a beeping sound coming from the hall.\nJerry opens\n\nthe door, George rolls in on a Rascal scooter.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, you're not gonna believe what\nhappened.\n\nJERRY\nYou mugged Stephen Hawking?\n\nGEORGE\nPlay Now thinks I got problems in both\nlegs. My own personal Rascal,\n\nJerry. On the house.\n\nGeorge rides around the apartment.\n\nJERRY\nWell it must be comforting to know you'll\nbe going straight to hell at\n\nno more than three miles an hour.\n\nJerry's phone rings, he answers it.\n\nJERRY\nHello?\n\nELAINE\nJerry.\n\nJERRY\nHey, Lainie, how's the trip going?\n\nELAINE\nAwful. This trip was a *huge* mistake.\nHuge!\n\nVEGETABLE LASAGNA\nPlease don't shout. I can't take it.\n\nJERRY\nWho's that?\n\nELAINE\nIt's Vegetable Lasagna.\n\nJERRY\nWho?\n\nELAINE\nVegetable Lasagna!\n\nVEGETABLE LASAGNA\nMy name is Magnus.\n\nELAINE\nShut up or I'll snap you in half and\nstuff you in the overhead!\n\nJERRY\nGet me some duty free Kahlua.\n\nJerry hangs up.\n\nGEORGE\nHow's the trip?\n\nJERRY\nSounded good.\n\nGeorge. Well. Gotta motor.\n\nJERRY\nHey, if you got any juice left, you\nmight wanna roll by the big showcase\n\ntonight.\n\nGEORGE\nAh, you still going on in front of Bania,\neh?\n\nJERRY\nThat's right, and I'll tell you what.\nI'm feeling a little off.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you talking about? You're not!\n\nJERRY\nThat's right, I'm taking a dive.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're throwing the set?\n\nJERRY\nI'm laying down! Then let's see how\nhe does up there, without all the\n\nassistance.\n\nGEORGE\nListen Jerry. Bania's voice is the voice\nof a new generation. My\n\ngeneration.\n\nJERRY\nWe're four months apart.\n\nGEORGE\nnevertheless. His time has come.\n\nGeorge tries to back out but his front wheel becomes wedged under\nJerry's coffee\n\ntable.\n\nGEORGE\nNow if you will kindly help me unwedge\nmy front wheel, I'll be on my\n\nway.\n\nJerry ignores him, George leans on his horn.\n\nNewman is seated at the counter at Monks, mumbling to himself.\n\nNEWMAN\nButter. Kramer. Butter. Kramer.\n\nThe waitress brings a roasted turkey out on a tray. Newman hallucinates\n\nKramer's head on the turkey.\n\nKRAMER/TURKEY\nHey buddy.\n\nNewman screams and runs out of Monks.\n\nJerry and Kramer in the back room of a comedy club\n\nKRAMER\nWhat are you doing? George tells me\nyou're gonna throw your set?\n\nJERRY\nThat's right, Choochie. Let's see how\nBania does without the cushy\n\ntimeslot.\n\nCLUB ANNOUNCER\nLadies and gentlemen, Jerry Seinfeld!\n\nJerry removes his jacket to reveal a pair of rainbow colored\nsuspenders.\n\nJERRY\nIf you'll excuse me.\n\nJerry bolts through the kitchen door, presumably towards the\nstage.\n\nJerry (OC) Hey everybody! Who's ready to laugh?\n\nJerry is on stage at the comedy club, Kramer is in the audience.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's the deal with lampshades? I mean\nif it's a lamp, why do you want\n\nshade?\n\nKramer laughs hysterically, he's the only one.\n\nJERRY\nAnd what's with people getting sick?\n\nNEWMAN\nHee hee! Yeah yeah!\n\nJERRY\nI mean, what's the deal with cancer?\n\nMAN IN AUDIENCE\nI have cancer!\n\nKRAMER\nOh, tough crowd.\n\nGeorge is riding his Rascal scooter on a city sidewalk when he\naccidentally\n\nbumps another scooter as its owner and some friends are walking\nout of a nearby\n\nstore.\n\nMAN\nHey, hey! You dented my ride.\n\nGeorge walks back to inspect the damage.\n\nGEORGE\nWhatcha got there, the 4 volt? Heh,\nI did you a favor.\n\nMAN\nHow about I do you a favor upside your\nhead?\n\nGEORGE\nOh yeah?\n\nMAN\nOh yeah.\n\nGeorge leaps back on his scooter and floors it.\n\nMAN\nHey!\n\nWOMAN\nGet the bikes.\n\nJerry returns to the comedy club kitchen to a chorus of boos.\nhe's soaked with\n\nsweat. Kramer and Bania are there.\n\nBANIA\nOuch.\n\nKRAMER\nYou didn't do so bad.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you talking about? I bombed!\n\nKRAMER\nNo, you had some good stuff. The cancer\nbit? It was edgy, it was not\n\nmy sort of thing but some of those people out there, they really\nliked it.\n\nJERRY\nLike who?\n\nKRAMER\nLike that guy who yelled out.\n\nJERRY\nHe had cancer!\n\nKRAMER\nAnd laughter is the best medicine.\n\nJERRY\nHey, sorry Kenny. Guess you got your\nwork cut out for you.\n\nCLUB ANNOUNCER\nLadies and gentlemen, Kenny Bania!\n\nBania walks out, Jerry leaves, Newman walks in.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Jerry, he could have used your\nlaugh. He was a big turkey out\n\nthere.\n\nNEWMAN\nTurkey?\n\nKRAMER\nA big fat turkey.\n\nNEWMAN\nI'm sorry I missed that.\n\nKRAMER\nHe worked so hard and then he just--\n\nKramer accidentally knocks over a bowl of oregano, getting it\nall over himself.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat is this, oregano?\n\nJust then the other kitchen door swings open and a chef busts\nthrough carrying a\n\nbowl of Parmesan cheese. he trips and empties the bowl all over\nKramer.\n\nKRAMER\nLook at me! I'm all covered in oregano\nand Parmesan, and it's sticking\n\nto me because of the butter! Look at me!\n\nNewman, still salivating, now with a vacant stare, grabs a bunch\nof green leaves\n\nand hands them to Kramer.\n\nNEWMAN\nHere. Hold this.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat is this, parsley?\n\nNewman makes as if to attack Kramer.\n\nJerry watching Bania from the wing.\n\nJERRY\nAh, the sweet stench of failure.\n\nKramer and Newman, locked in struggle, run past Jerry and onto\nthe stage.\n\nKRAMER\nGet off of me, get off of me!\n\nCity sidewalk, George is leading an extremely low speed chase.\nAction movie\n\nmusic plays, and pedestrians walk by faster than the scooters.\nGeorge's battery\n\ndies and his scooter stops.\n\nMAN\nNow I got you!\n\nGeorge jumps up from the scooter, picks it up and begins hauling\nit as fast as he can. He meets up with Mr. Thomassoulo who's\nexiting a building at that moment.\n\nMR. THOMASSOULO\nGeorge? Your legs!\n\nGEORGE\nAre you a religious man, sir?\n\nMR. THOMASSOULO\nNo.\n\nUnbeknownst to George, the old man catches up to him and is about\nto lay into him with a cane.\n\nMAN\nEat hickory!!\n\nThe man swings the cane at George's head, mercifully the scene\nchanges to Jerry,\n\nsitting in the bar at the comedy club drinking a glass of champagne.\nBania\n\nwalks in.\n\nBANIA\nHey Jerry, didja see it?\n\nJERRY\nOuch.\n\nTwo men in suits walk in and introduce themselves.\n\nSTU\nKenny! There you are. Jay Shermak and\nStu Crespi from NBC. Listen,\n\nKenny. Really funny out there.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nJAY\nThat thing you did having the two guys\nrunning through? I love stuff you don't\nhave to think too much about.\n\nSTU\nGive us a call. We want to be in the\nKenny Bania business.\n\nJAY\nBy the way, Jerry? The suspenders? A\nlittle hacky.\n\nBANIA\nHow about that Jerry? First you had\na pilot on NBC and now I'll have one.\nLooks like I'm following you again.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I'm gonna puke.\n\nBANIA\nPuke? That's a funny word. Can I use\nthat?\n\nExterior of NYC airport.\n\nELAINE\nDavid, this has been the worst month\nof my life and if I never see you\n\nagain it'll be too soon.\n\nPUDDY\nDitto.\n\nELAINE\nOh that's origi-\n\nPUDDY\nShut up.\n\nElaine gets into a taxi cab.\n\nELAINE\n86th and Broadway please.\n\nCAB DRIVER\nI'm sorry lady, there's a cab shortage.\nThe Transit Police are\n\nmaking everybody share.\n\nPuddy enters the cab on the left.\n\nELAINE\nOh no.\n\nVegetable Lasagna enters the cab on the right.\n\nVEGETABLE LASAGNA\nHello! (sees Elaine) Oh no. I'm sorry.\n\nELAINE\nNoooooooooooo!\n\nCab rides away.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Voice.html",
    "text": "THE VOICE\n\nWritten by\n\nAlec Berg, Jeff Schaffer & David Mandel\n\n(In the Play Now office)\n\nTHOMASSOULO\nGeorge, you're not really handicapped,\nare you?\n\nGEORGE\nI've had my difficulties.\n\nTHOMASSOULO\nI saw you running down Amsterdam Avenue\nlifting that 200 pound motorized cart\nwith one hand.\n\nGEORGE\nMr. Thomassoulo during times of great\nstress, people are capable of super\nhuman strength. Have you ever seen the\nIncredible Hulk, sir?\n\nTHOMASSOULO\nNo\n\nGEORGE\nHow about the old Spider Man live action\nshow?\n\nTHOMASSOULO\nGeorge, I've realized we've signed a\none-year contract with you, but at this\npoint I think it's best that we both\ngo our separate ways.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't understand.\n\nTHOMASSOULO\nWe don't like you. We want you to leave.\n\nGEORGE\nClearer\n\n(At Monks Caf\u00e9)\n\nJERRY\nSo you're staying at Play Now?\n\nGEORGE\nWhy not? Pay is good. I got dental,\nprivate access to one of the great handicapped\ntoilets in the city.\n\nJERRY\nBut they not you aren't handicapped,\naren't you ashamed?\n\nGEORGE\nThey're the ones who should be ashamed.\nThey signed me to a one-year contract.\nAs long as I show up for work every\nday, they have to pay me.\n\n(Elaine walks in)\n\nELAINE\nHey\n\nJERRY & GEORGE\n(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o!\n\nGEORGE\nHello-o-o-o Elaine!\n\nELAINE\nWhat's that?\n\nJERRY\nOh, it's just this stupid thing.\n\nELAINE\nWell, I'm sure it's stupid. It's not\nabout me, is it?\n\nJERRY\n(doing the voice) No-o-o-o.\n\nGEORGE\n(doing the voice) Not at all.\n\nELAINE\nTell me!\n\nJERRY\nAll right. You know this girl Clare\nI am seeing?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nWell, he and I starting joking that\nwhen she falls asleep her stomach stays\nawake all night and talks to me.\n\nELAINE\nHow is it talking?\n\nJERRY\nWell, her belly button is like a mouth.\n(doing the voice) I'm bored. Talk to\nme.\n\nELAINE\nOh I gotta start taking these \"stupid\"\nwarnings more seriously.\n\n(Puddy walks in)\n\nJERRY\nHey, look whose here - Puddy.\n\nELAINE\nMy Puddy? But we broke up.\n\nJERRY\nAnd yet he continues to live.\n\n(Puddy walks over to the table)\n\nPUDDY\nHey Benes, How are you?\n\nELAINE\nI'm doing great.\n\nPUDDY\nGreat. (pauses) See ya.\n\nJERRY\nWell, that's it. You two are back together.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nThe bump into. The bump into always\nleads to the backslide.\n\nELAINE\nDavid and I will not be getting back\ntogether.\n\nJERRY\nElaine, breaking up is like knocking\nover a coke machine. You can't do it\nin one push, you got to rock it back\nand forth a few times, and then it goes\nover.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's beautiful.\n\nELAINE\nWhat about you? You were even engaged,\nand you cut it off just like that.\n\nJERRY\nThat's different. I didn't have feelings\nfor those people. But you, you'll backslide\n\nELAINE\nYou want to bet?\n\nJERRY\nStakes?\n\nELAINE\n50\n\nJERRY\nDollars?\n\nELAINE\nAll right. Witness? (looks at George).\n\nGEORGE\nWitness.\n\nJERRY\nDone.\n\nGEORGE\nPercentage?\n\nJERRY & ELAINE\nNo.\n\n(At Jerry's apartment)\n\nCLARE\nSo I'll call you tonight?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nCLARE\nWhat's wrong with the belt?\n\nJERRY\nI went to the movies last night, I went\nto the bathroom and I unbuckled a little\nwobbly and the buckle kind of banged\nagainst the side of the urinal. So...(throws\naway belt) that's it!\n\nCLARE\nSo, you're insane?\n\nJERRY\nOh yes, quite.\n\n(Kramer walks in)\n\nKRAMER\nHello!\n\nJERRY\nOf course it's a sliding scale.\n\nCLARE\nCatch you later.\n\nKRAMER & JERRY\n(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o! (haha)\n\nJERRY\n(doing the voice) La la la.\n\nKRAMER\n(doing the voice) La la la.\n\n(Kramer is reading the newspaper at the table)\n\nKRAMER\nLook at this, they are redoing the Cloud\nClub.\n\nJERRY\nOh, that restaurant on top of the Chrysler\nbuilding? Yeah, that's a good idea.\n\nKRAMER\nOf course it's a good idea, it's my\nidea. I conceived this whole project\ntwo years ago.\n\nJERRY\nWhich part? The renovating the restaurant\nyou don't own part or spending the two\nhundred million you don't have part?\n\nKRAMER\nYou see I come up with these things,\nI know they're gold, but nothing happens.\nYou know why?\n\nJERRY\nNo resources, no skill, no talent, no\nability, no brains.\n\nKRAMER\n(interrupts) No, no...time! It's all this\nmeaningless time. Laundry, grocery,\nshopping, coming in here talking to\nyou. Do you have any idea how much time\nI waste in this apartment?\n\nJERRY\nI can ball park it.\n\n(Elaine walks in ... how did she come up without the buzzer?)\n\nELAINE\n(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o!\n\nKRAMER\nHere we go; now she comes in. Now my\nwhole day is shot!\n\nJERRY\nHey, I called you last night, where\nwere you?\n\nELAINE\n(looking VERY guilty) I went out with\na (fake cough) a friend.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge?\n\nELAINE\n(looking guiltier) No, no...no.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I was here, that's everyone (laughing).\n\nELAINE\n(laughing).\n\nJERRY\nAre those the same shoes as yesterday?\n\nELAINE\nOh, you know I wear these shoes all\nthe time.\n\nJERRY\nYour hair, it's somewhat de-poofed.\n\nELAINE\nIt's the new look. You know Heroin Cheek?\n\nJERRY\nWait a second, what's going on here?\n\nELAINE\nNothing, nothing.\n\nJERRY\n(screams).\n\nELAINE\n(screams).\n\nJERRY\nYou're wearing the same clothes as yesterday!!!\n(pauses) You saw Puddy!\n\nKRAMER\nHoochie moochie. (haha)\n\nJERRY\nHand it over. Pay up.\n\nELAINE\nNo! It's an isolated, sexual incident.\nWe are not back together!\n\nJERRY\nThen what do you call it? People don't\njust bump into each other and have sex.\nThis isn't cinemax.\n\nELAINE\nIt was no big deal OK? I mean we fooled\naround, then we went out and grabbed\na little dinner.\n\nJERRY\nAh, dinner! That's it, you're all the\nway back!\n\nELAINE\nUgh!\n\nJERRY\nSex, that's meaningless, I can understand\nthat, but dinner; that's heavy. That's\nlike an hour.\n\nKRAMER\n(still reading the paper) Man, 2.9 percent\nfinancing on a Toyota Onedun (Sp?).\nThat was my idea too!\n\n(At Play Now)\n\nGEORGE\nGood Morning!\n\nCO-WORKER\nGo to hell!\n\nGEORGE\nHi Allison, that's a nice dress.\n\nALLISON\nDon't even look at me.\n\nGEORGE\nHey Glenn!\n\nGLENN\nHey, go tell hell!\n\nGEORGE\nHeard that one already.\n\n(At Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Jerry walks in. Kramer is showing his \"intern,\" Darren around)\n\nKRAMER\n...So that's the bedroom. Here's the bathroom.\nIf you need to, you can familiarize\nyourself with the kitchen...Yeah, go ahead\nand look through some of the drawers.\n\nJERRY\nAnd you are?\n\nDARREN\nOh, hey, I'm Darren. I'm new here.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, that's Jerry, you don't have to\nworry about him. Why don't you go across\nthe hall and get started on that mail.\n\nDARREN\nRight!\n\nKRAMER\nHe's a go getter!\n\nJERRY\nWho's he?\n\nKRAMER\nMy intern from NYU. Well, you remember\nmy corporation, Kramerica Industries.\n\nJERRY\nAlright.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, apparently NYU is very enthusiastic\nabout their students getting some real\nworld corporate experience.\n\nJERRY\nBut you only provide fantasy world corporate\nexperience.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, this will really free up my time\nso I can focus on more important things,\nlike my bladder system.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, it's time to go.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, it's not for people, it's for\noil tankers.\n\nJERRY\n(sarcastically) I know!\n\n(Jerry tries to shove Kramer out the door)\n\nKRAMER\nYou see the idea is for a rubber ball\ninside the tanker so if it crashes,\nthe oil won't spill out.\n\nJERRY\nActually, that is not a bad idea.\n\nKRAMER\n(smiles) yeah.\n\nJERRY\nNow, it's time to go.\n\n(slams door)\n\n(phone rings)\n\nJERRY\nHello\n\nGEORGE\n(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. (He's\nsitting on the floor in his Play Now\noffice).\n\nJERRY\n(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. (pauses)\nSo, what's going on?\n\nGEORGE\nSeize montality, (Sp?) Jerry. They really\nwant me out of here. They've downgraded\nme to some sort of a bunker. I'm like\nHitler's last days here.\n\nJERRY\nSo, are you going to leave?\n\nGEORGE\nOh no! I'm vigilant. They'll never get\nme out. I'm like a weed, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nI thought you're like Hitler in the\nbunker?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm a weed in Hitler's bunker.\n\nJERRY\nI'm getting a little uncomfortable with\nthe Hitler stuff. (his other line beeps)\nI'm getting another call, see ya...(answers\ncall) Hello!\n\nDARREN\nHi, this is Darren from Kramer's office.\nMr. Kramer would like to schedule a\nlunch with you at Monk's coffee shop.\n\nJERRY\n(looking shocked) Really? When?\n\nDARREN\nIn 10 minutes. Do you need directions?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I don't.\n\nDARREN\nWell, I'll call back in 5 minutes to\nconfirm.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, 5.\n\n(Elaine walks in ... again, how did she get up without the buzzer?)\n\nELAINE\nHey!\n\nJERRY\nHey! So, where's my money?\n\nELAINE\nNo money, I am Puddy free. So, are we\neating or what?\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah, hold on.\n\n(Jerry calls Kramer and Darren answers)\n\nJERRY\nHello Darren, this is Jerry from Jerry's\noffice. (Elaine is looking confused).\nWe're going to be three for lunch. (Elaine\nis still looking confused) What do you\nmean he's already left?\n\n(Kramer walks in)\n\nJERRY\nHey, Elaine is going to come with us,\nalright?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat? When did this happen?\n\nJERRY\nWell, just...\n\nKRAMER\n(yelling) DARREN!\n\n(At Elaine's apartment)\n\n(Sitting on the couch thinking to herself)\n\nELAINE\nI am not calling Puddy. What did I do\nwith my gloves? Oh, I bet I left them\nover at Puddy's. I should call him.\nI need those gloves. No, I better not.\nI'll call. (looks at table) Oh, look\nat that! There are the gloves. I was\njust about to call. There they are.\nThat's funny. That's really funny. That's\nreally really funny. You know who loves\nfunny stories, David Puddy. (Picks up\nphone).\n\n(At Monk's Cafe)\n\nGEORGE\nWell, Play Now is through playing. They\nturned the heat way up in my office.\nThey tried to sweat me out.\n\nJERRY\nDo you have to write all this stuff\ndown.\n\nDARREN\nWell, Mr. Kramer is in a meeting with\nMr. Lohmase and he didn't want to miss\nanything.\n\nJERRY\nSo, how hot did it get?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know, 120, 130...Then they sent\nsome guys to sandblast for 6 hours.\nTomorrow they are putting in asbestos.\n\nJERRY\nI guess you can take anything, but actual\nwork.\n\nGEORGE\nBring it on!\n\n(Kramer walks in)\n\nGEORGE\n(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o Kramer!\n\nJERRY\n(doing the voice) Wel-l-l-c-o-m-e!\n\nGEORGE\n(doing the voice) La la la.\n\nKRAMER\nSorry I couldn't get out of there, what\ndid I miss? (asking his \"intern\")\n\nDARREN\nWell, after ordering, Mr. Seinfeld and\nMr. Costanza debated on whether or not\niron man wore some sort under garment\nbetween his skin and his iron suit...\n\nKRAMER\nUh huh...\n\nGEORGE\n(Interrupts) And I still say he's naked\nunder there!\n\nJERRY\nOh that makes a lot of sense.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, shut up!\n\nDARREN\n...Then Mr. Seinfeld went to the restroom,\nat which point Mr. Costanza scooped\nice out of Mr. Seinfeld's drink with\nhis bare hands using it to wash up (Jerry\nis taking a sip of water and looking\nmad) then Mr. Costanza remarked to me,\n\"This never happened.\" (Jerry then spits\nout the water).\n\n(George is looking pissed off)\n\n(At Jerry's apartment in his bed)\n\nJERRY\n(giggling)\n\nCLARE\nWhat's so funny?\n\nJERRY\nOh, nothing. (still giggling)\n\nCLARE\nWhat are you laughing about? Tell me.\n\nJERRY\nOh all right, this is really dumb, really\nstupid. We've been doing this silly,\ndumb voice.\n\n(Clare storms out of the room mad!)\n\nCLARE\nSo is it fun humiliating me?\n\nJERRY\nNo, it's not you. It's your stomach,\nhe's taking with this funny, booming,\njovial voice. (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o.\n\nCLARE\nSo you think I'm fat?\n\nJERRY\nNo it's...\n\n(Darren walks in)\n\nDARREN\nMr. Kramer says, \"hey buddy!\"\n\nJERRY\nHey, we're kind of in the middle of\nsomething here. Would you mind coming\nback later?\n\nDARREN\nOh yeah sure, sure. Should we set something\nup now?\n\nJERRY\n(Screams) GET OUT!\n\nCLARE\nI'm leaving too.\n\nJERRY\nNo body said you're fat. He's a loving\ncharacter, like the Kool-ade guy.\n\nCLARE\nHe is fat!\n\nJERRY\nNo, he's just a little bloated.\n\nCLARE\nGood-bye!\n\nJERRY\nIt's mostly water weight.\n\n(Kramer walks in)\n\nKRAMER\nBoysenberry, the kid is still learning.\n\n(Darren is standing in the hallway on the phone)\n\nDARREN\nMr. Kramer...Dean, my internship is on\nline two, she wants to set up a meeting.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well nothing before noon.\n\nJERRY\nLine two?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, your phone is line one.\n\nJERRY\nOh...\n\n(At Elaine's apartment)\n\nPUDDY\nSo the gloves were right by the phone.\nThat is pretty funny.\n\nELAINE\nSee, this is what Jerry's doesn't understand.\nWe can see each other. We can see each\nother every day, but it doesn't mean\nwe are back together.\n\nPUDDY\nI mean I love just seeing you and having\nsex.\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nPUDDY\nNot having to do all that...you know...work.\n\nELAINE\nWell, either way...\n\nPUDDY\nAll that calling you, and buying you\nstuff...\n\nELAINE\nDavid...\n\nPUDDY\nCaring about how everyone at work isn't\nas smart as you. It's brutal.\n\nELAINE\nAlright that's it! We're back together!\n\nPUDDY\nOh, no.\n\nELAINE\nOh, yeah.\n\nPUDDY\nLook Elaine, be reasonable.\n\n(Elaine kisses Puddy)\n\nELAINE\nGet those clothes off. You're going\nto spend the night and we're going to\ncuddle.\n\nPUDDY\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nYou heard me. Strip!\n\n(At Play Now)\n\n(George is walking in the hallway to his office. He sees his\noffice has been boarded up)\n\nGEORGE\n(whistling)....(laughing)....Alright......OK....\n\n(George goes through air vent ... in his office)\n\nGEORGE\n(on phone ... calling secretary) Hello\nMargery, George Costanza. How are you\nsweet heart? Listen, can you give Mr.\nThomassoulo a message for me? ...Yes.\nIf he needs me, tell him (screams) I'M\nIN MY OFFICE! Thanks.\n\n(At NYU)\n\nKRAMER\nDean Jones, you wanting to talk to me?\n\nDEAN JONES\nI've been reviewing Darren's internship\njournal. Doing laundry...\n\nKRAMER\n...Yeah.\n\nDEAN JONES\n...Mending chicken wire, hi-tea with a\nMr. Newman.\n\nKRAMER\nI know it sounds pretty glamorous, but\nit's business as usual at Kramerica.\n\nDEAN JONES\nAs far as I can tell your entire enterprise\nis more than a solitary man with a messy\napartment which may or may not contain\na chicken.\n\nKRAMER\nAnd with Darren's help, we'll get that\nchicken.\n\nDEAN JONES\nI'm sorry, but we can't allow Darren\nto continue working with you.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I have to say this seems capricious\nand arbitrary.\n\nDEAN JONES\nYou fly is open.\n\n(At Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Jerry & Clare are talking by the doorway)\n\nJERRY\nSo you're sure you're not still angry\nabout last night?\n\nCLARE\nNo, I'm fine. Just as long as you don't\never do that voice again.\n\nJERRY\nNever?\n\nCLARE\nNever.\n\nJERRY\nWhat about if you're not around?\n\nCLARE\nNo!\n\nJERRY\nSo I have to choose between seeing you\nand doing the voice?\n\nCLARE\nThat's right.\n\nJERRY\nI can do that.\n\nCLARE\nSo what's your decision?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know.\n\n(At the dock or beach)\n\n(Jerry is thinking to himself ... looking quite funny)\n\n(He's thinking about all the times him and Clare spent together.\nHe's trying to decide if he likes her more or the voice more)\n\n(Jerry knocks on Clare's door)\n\nCLARE\nJerry...HI.\n\nJERRY\n(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. La-la-la.\n(haha)\n\n(At Jerry's apartment)\n\nGEORGE\nYou broke up with her? Why?\n\nJERRY\nSo we could do the voice. (doing the\nvoice) La-la-la. What's the matter?\n\nGEORGE\nI think I'm getting tired of it. I mean\nis that all it does? Hello? La-la-la?\n\nJERRY\nNo, it can do anything. It can be Spanish.\n(doing the voice) Hola. Hello-o-o-o.\n\nGEORGE\nI think I like the girl better than\nthe voice.\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\n(Elaine walks in ... how does she keep getting up without that\nbuzzer?!)\n\nJERRY\n(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o.\n\nELAINE\nStill?\n\nGEORGE\nI told you.\n\nELAINE\nAlright, here you go, choke on it (hands\nhim money).\n\nJERRY\nSee, never bet against the backslide.\nI knew you two would get back together.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, well not for long. I'm breaking\nup with him.\n\nJERRY\nNo, I don't think so. I've seen you\ntwo together. You make each other miserable.\nIt's kismet.\n\nELAINE\nDouble or nothing.\n\nJERRY\nDone.\n\nGEORGE\n(talking from bathroom) Witness?\n\nJERRY\nYou're in there again.\n\nGEORGE\nI think Play Now is putting something\nin my food.\n\n(Kramer walks in)\n\nELAINE\nAlright, I'm out of here.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is this? (Kramer is wearing jeans\nthat look like it doesn't fit him).\n\nKRAMER\nI don't know. I found them in your closet.\nEver since Darren left I haven't been\nable to find anything. He took all my\nclothes to some cleaners. I'm clueless.\n(looks at clock) Is that clock right?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Nine o'clock.\n\nKRAMER\nI was supposed to pick up Newman at\nthe zoo twelve hours ago.\n\nJERRY\n(doing the voice) Good-bye Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, buddy, I got to tell you something.\nThat voice is played.\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\nKRAMER\nSo played.\n\nGEORGE\nI told you.\n\n(Hallway, Darren is knocking on Kramer's door)\n\nKRAMER\nDarren? What are you doing here? The\ncollege canceled the internship.\n\nDARREN\nI don't care about the internship. I\ncare about Kramerica.\n\nKRAMER\nKramerica is no more.\n\nDARREN\nWhat about the oil tanker bladder system?\nWe were going to put an end to maritime\noil spills.\n\nKRAMER\nProbably. Darren, you go home. Forget\nabout Kramerica.\n\n(Kramer slams door)\n\n(Kramer opens door)\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you're still here?\n\nDARREN\nI haven't had time to leave.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I haven't changed my mind.\n\n(Kramer slams door)\n\n(Kramer opens door)\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you are a tenacious little monkey.\nAlright, I'll do it. Kramerica industries\nlives! Let's get back to work!\n\n(Kramer slams door)\n\n(Kramer opens door)\n\nKRAMER\nLet's see what Jerry has to eat.\n\n(At Play Now ... in the bosses office)\n\nTHOMASSOULO\nYou win George. We've had it. If you\nleave right now, Play Now will give\nyou six months pay. That's half of your\nentire contract. Please...just go.\n\nGEORGE\nYou see if I stay the whole year, I\nget it all.\n\nTHOMASSOULO\nWant to play hand ball huh? Fine. (calls\non intercom) Attention Play Now employees,\nGeorge Costanza's handicapped bathroom\nis now open on the sixteenth floor to\nall employees and their families.\n\nGEORGE\nWell played.\n\nTHOMASSOULO\nI'll see you in hell Costanza.\n\n(At Jerry's apartment)\n\nJERRY\n(on the phone with Clare) Clare thanks\nfor giving me a second chance. Our relationship\nis certainly worth more than some silly,\nstupid voice. Hold on one second. (George\nwalks in ... Jerry asks George) So we\ndefinitely don't want to do the voice\nanymore? (George shakes his head NO)\nAlright, we're back together again,\ngreat. Bye bye.\n\n(Hallway ... Kramer & Darren are pushing an oil tank.\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nTrouble down at the plant?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's a tank of oil. Darren and I are\nfinally going to test out my bladder\nsystem.\n\nGEORGE\nYou have to drink that whole thing?\n\nKRAMER\nNo. No. No. It's for oil tankers. All\nI need to do is fill some sort of rubber\ncontainer with oil and then drop it\nto see whether or not it can restrain\nthe impact.\n\nJERRY\nI understand (not really understanding,\nlol).\n\nGEORGE\nWould a giant rubber ball work?\n\nKRAMER\nConceivably.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, Play Now has all kinds of different\nrubber balls. Why don't we test your\nbladder system at my office?\n\nJERRY\nYou're not...\n\nGEORGE\nOh, yes I am. Mr. Thomassoulo likes\nto play dirty. Well, there's nothing\ndirtier than a giant ball of oil.\n\n(At Monk's Cafe)\n\nPUDDY\nHey, you want to split a root beer (I\nthink that's what he says)?\n\nELAINE\nI don't think so David, we're through.\n\nPUDDY\nOh...That's a nice sweater (Elaine smiles).\n\n(At Elaine's house ... the two are in bed)\n\nELAINE\nWhew that was a dozy.\n\n(At Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Elaine throws down money on the table).\n\nJERRY\nGo again?\n\nELAINE\nBook it.\n\nGEORGE\n(again from bathroom) Witness.\n\n(At Elaine's apartment)\n\nELAINE\nDavid I know this hurts, but it's the\nway it has to be (Puddy is giving her\na look like he's going to still get\nsome).\n\n(At Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Elaine is placing money on the table one by one)\n\nJERRY\nHa ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.\n\n(Jerry and Elaine at the movies)\n\nELAINE\nI'm going to get some popcorn.\n\n(At Jerry's apartment)\n\n(Elaine hands Jerry money)\n\nELAINE\nSo, how did it end?\n\nJERRY\nThey got away.\n\nELAINE\nuh.\n\n(At Elaine's apartment)\n\nELAINE\nListen David, I've got to run. Can you\nlend me fifty bucks?\n\n(At Play Now)\n\n(Darren & Kramer are pushing the ball of oil ... Jerry walks\nin)\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nDid you bring the video camera?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I put a six hour tape in. That\nshould cover the experiment, the arrest,\nand most of your trial. Alright, I'll\nsee ya.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, you might want to stick around Jerry.\nMr. Thomassoulo picked the wrong man\nto hire because he was fake handicapped.\n\nJERRY\nI can't. I got to meet Clare.\n\nKRAMER\nYou gave up the voice?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I thought it was stupid. Unless\nyou guys are liking it again.\n\nKRAMER & GEORGE\nNo. No\n\nJERRY\nDarren?\n\nDARREN\nSorry Mr. Seinfeld.\n\nJERRY\nUh, bathroom.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, use mine. I'll let you in.\n\nJERRY\nI thought it was open to the public.\n\nGEORGE\nI uh, took care of that.\n\n(Both go to the bathroom, which looks really nice)\n\nJERRY\nWow! Zanadu . No wonder you're putting\nin so many hours. (looks at urinal)\nMay I?\n\nGEORGE\nI insist. I'll fix us a drink. (phone\nrings ... who would that be?) I got\nit.\n\n(Back to Kramer & Darren in George's office)\n\nKRAMER\nWhew. You know Darren, if you would\nhave told me twenty-five years ago that\nsome day I'd be standing here about\nto solve the worlds energy problems,\nI would've said you're crazy... Now let's\npush this giant ball of oil out the\nwindow.\n\n(Back in the bathroom)\n\nGEORGE\nSo, check out my view.\n\nJERRY\nWow! Hey, there's Clare. I better go\ndown.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, there's Kramer & Darren.\n\nJERRY\nThere's the giant ball of oil. Clare's\nright underneath that thing. Clare!\nHello-o-o-o! Hello-o-o-o! Hello-o-o-o!\n\nCLARE\nI don't believe this. I am not looking\nup if you're going to do that voice.\n\nKRAMER\nBombs away (Uh oh).\n\nJERRY\nThis is going to be a shame.\n\n(SPLAT!)\n\nGEORGE\nHello.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, that didn't work. Hey, how about\nthis...ketchup and mustard in the same\nbottle?\n\nDARREN\nOh that sounds interesting sir.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\n(Police sirens ... uh oh)\n\n(At Monk's Caf\u00e9)\n\nJERRY\nClare won her lawsuit against Play Now.\nGee, Play Now is filing for bankruptcy.\nI guess you're not going in anymore.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nSo they're not paying you your...\n\nGEORGE\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nSo you're pretty much...\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nWhat ever happened to Darren?\n\nKRAMER\nDarren is going away for a long long\ntime.\n\nJERRY\nSo Clare sure looked real funny covered\nin oil like that... (doing the voice)\nHello-o-o-o I got beamed with a giant\nball of oil...\n\nGEORGE\n(doing the voice) I'm slippery as an\neel...\n\nKRAMER\n(doing the voice) La la la.\n\nJERRY\nI'm just so glad it's back.\n\n(At Elaine's apartment in bed with Puddy AGAIN)\n\nELAINE\nSee, this is good. This is the way it\nshould be. You know why are we fooling\nourselves. We belong together.\n\nPUDDY\nElaine: I want to break up.\n\nELAINE\nAh nuts!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Serenity-Now.html",
    "text": "THE SERENITY NOW\n\nWritten by\n\nSteve Koren\n\n(The Costanzas are driving in the car.)\n\nFRANK\nI got no leg room back here. Move your\nseat forward.\n\nESTELLE\nThat's as far as it goes.\n\nFRANK\nThere's a mechanism. You just pull it,\nand throw your body weight.\n\nESTELLE\nI pulled it. It doesn't go.\n\nFRANK\nIf you want the leg room, say you want\nthe leg room! Don't blame\n\nthe mechanism!\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, Dad, we're five blocks from\nthe house. Sit\n\nsideways.\n\nFRANK\nLike an animal. Because of her, I have\nto sit here like an animal!\n\nSerenity now! Serenity now!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat is that?\n\nFRANK\nDoctor gave me a relaxation cassette.\nWhen my blood pressure gets\n\ntoo high, the man on the tape tells me to say, 'Serenity now!'\n\nGEORGE\nAre you supposed to yell it?\n\nFRANK\nThe man on the tape wasn't specific.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat happened to the screen door? It\nblew off again?\n\nESTELLE\nI told you to fix that thing.\n\nFRANK\nSerenity nowww!\n\nPATTY\nSo I told Bobby and Lisa that we'd try\nthe new Chinese Spanish\n\nplace La Caridad on Saturday.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I thought we had tickets for the\nKnicks home opener.\n\nPATTY\nWell I thought this would be more fun\nso I gave the tickets away.\n\nJERRY\nWhat? All right, fine.\n\nPATTY\nAre you mad at me?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I love a good Chinese Spanish whatever\nit is.\n\nPATTY\nYou know... I've never seen you mad.\n\nJERRY\nI get peeved.\n\nPATTY\nMad.\n\nJERRY\nMiffed.\n\nPATTY\n*Mad*.\n\nJERRY\nIrked?\n\nPATTY\nI'd like to see you get *really* mad.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy does she want you to be mad?\n\nJERRY\nShe says I suppress my emotions.\n\nGEORGE\nSo what do you care what she thinks.\n\nJERRY\nGood body.\n\nGEORGE\nShe probably gets that impression because\nyou're cool.\n\nYou're under control. Like me. Nothing wrong with that.\n\nJERRY\nBut I get upset, I've yelled. You've\nheard me yell.\n\nGEORGE\nNot really. Your voice kind of raises\nto this comedic\n\npitch. (Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, I am so sick of you comin' in\nhere and eatin' all my food.\n\nNow shut that door and get the hell out of here!\n\nKRAMER\n(Laughing) What is that, a new bit?\n\nGEORGE\nI told ya. Hey, any of you guys want\nto come out and help me fix\n\nmy father's screen door in Queens?\n\nJERRY\nSorry, I'm fixing a screen door in the\nBronx.\n\nKRAMER\nI'll do it.\n\nGEORGE\nReally? You wanna come?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I love going to the country.\n\nELAINE\nWhere are they goin'?\n\nJERRY\nFix a screen door in Queens.\n\nELAINE\n(Laughing) That's funny. Hey, listen,\nwhat are you doin' Saturday\n\nnight?\n\nJERRY\nNot goin' to the Knick game.\n\nELAINE\nI need someone to go with me to Mr.\nLippman's son's Bar Mitzvah.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, if you don't bring a guest\nthey save a catering. You\n\nshould be able to buy a cheaper gift.\n\nELAINE\n(Taking out Boggle) Oh, I don't think\nthat's possible.\n\nKRAMER\n(Holding camera) Get in a little closer.\nI can't see the screen\n\ndoor. (Takes picture) Perfect.\n\nGEORGE\nDad, the hinges are all rusted here.\nThat's why the wind keeps\n\nblowing the door off.\n\nESTELLE\nI hate that old door. Throw it out!\n\nFRANK\nSerenity now!\n\nKRAMER\nIt might be time to just let her go,\nFrank. She's worked\n\nhard for ya.\n\nFRANK\nWill you put her to rest for me?\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah, I'll take good care of her.\n(Rips out the screen door)\n\nESTELLE\n(From other room) Get George to put\nthose boxes in the\n\ngarage.\n\nGEORGE\nDad, what's all this?\n\nESTELLE\n(From other room) It's junk.\n\nFRANK\nMy computers. I've been selling them\nfor two months now. Shut up!\n\nGEORGE\nYou're selling computers?\n\nFRANK\nTwo months ago, I saw a provocative\nmovie on cable TV. It was\n\ncalled The Net, with that girl from the bus. I did a little reading,\n\nand I realize, it wasn't that farfetched.\n\nGEORGE\nDad, you know what it takes to compete\nwith Microsoft and\n\nIBM?\n\nFRANK\nYes, I do. That's why I got a secret\nweapon... my son.\n\nJERRY\nDamn it, they gave me cream! I asked\nfor nonfat milk!\n\nPATTY\nOK, Jerry, enough. I'm not buying it.\n\nJERRY\nYou're damn right you're not buying\nit!\n\nPATTY\nYou shouldn't have to try. It's just\nbeing open.\n\nJERRY\nI'm open. There's just nothing in there.\n\nPATTY\nSarcastically) Uh huh.\n\nJERRY\nOh, you think I'm lying about this?\n\nPATTY\nI think you are.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I'm not.\n\nPATTY\nYes, you are, liar.\n\nJERRY\nOh, stop it.\n\nPATTY\nOK, liar.\n\nJERRY\nThat's enough!\n\nPATTY\nOoh, that was good.\n\nJERRY\nReally? It felt good.\n\nELAINE\nCongratulations, Mr. Lippman.\n\nLIPPMAN\nOh, Elaine. My boy's a man today. Can\nyou believe it? He's\n\na man.\n\nELAINE\nOh, congratulations, Adam. (Adam zealously\nFrench-kisses\n\nElaine)\n\nADAM\nI'm a man!\n\nJERRY\nTongue?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nWow! I didn't try that 'til I was 23.\n\nJERRY\nWell this kid's not just a man. He's\na man's man.\n\nELAINE\nAnd I think he's been telling his friends.\nI got invitations to six\n\nmore Bar Mitzvahs. (phone rings)\n\nJERRY\nHello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld.\nNo, no, no, I do not want to\n\nstop over in Cincinnati. Well, then you upgrade me. That's right,\nyou\n\nshould thank me. Goodbye. (Hangs up) Hey, I'm flyin' first class.\n\nELAINE\nWhere did that come from?\n\nJERRY\nPatty showed me how to get mad. You\ngotta problem with that?\n\nELAINE\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nGood.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, relax, tough guy. I got to\ngo out to my father's\n\ngarage, help him sell some computers.\n\nJERRY\nWhat? The two of you workin' in that\ngarage is like a steel cage\n\ndeath match.\n\nGEORGE\nKramer.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat-what are you doing?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I'm putting up Frank's screen door.\nThis beauty's got a\n\nlittle life in her yet.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you need it for?\n\nKRAMER\n(Closing door) The cool evening breezes\nof Anytown, USA. Let's see\n\nhow this baby closes. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.\n\nGEORGE\nMorning, ma.\n\nESTELLE\n(From another room ) You're late!\n\nGEORGE\nMorning, dad.\n\nFRANK\nI'm not 'dad' in the workplace. My professional\nname is Mr.\n\nCostanza, and I will refer to you as 'Costanza'. Morning, Braun.\n\nLLOYD\n(Handing Frank coffee) Morning, George.\nTwo cream, no sugar.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat is Lloyd Braun doing here?\n\nFRANK\nYour mother recommended him.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, of course she did. That's all\nI ever heard growing up\n\nis 'Why can't you be more like Lloyd Braun?' Did you know he\nwas in a\n\nmental institution?\n\nFRANK\nI didn't read his resume.\n\nBRAUN\n(Ringing the sale bell) Another sale,\nMr. Costanza. Chalk me up on\n\nthe big board.\n\nGEORGE\n(Inquiring about the chalk board) What\nis this?\n\nFrank (Drawing a zero under George's name) This is your lagging.\nGood\n\nwork, Braun.\n\nEstelle (From another room) Good for you, Lloyd!\n\nELAINE\nSo Adam, I just talked to your father,\nand, apology\n\naccepted.\n\nADAM\nI'm not apologizing. It was great. I\ntold everyone.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, I know. Uh, by the way, could\nyou do me a favor and\n\ntell Mitchell Tanenbaum that I will be unable to attend this\nSaturday.\n\nADAM\nAre you free Friday night?\n\nELAINE\nI am, but that is not the point. You\nare thirteen, and I am\n\nin my early... 20s.\n\nADAM\nBut I'm a man. The rabbi said so.\n\nELAINE\nNo. You are not a man. It takes a *long*\ntime to become a\n\nman. I mean, half my friends aren't even there yet.\n\nADAM\nWell, if I'm not a man, then this whole\nthing was a sham! First,\n\nthey said I was gonna get great gifts, and then, somebody gives\nme\n\nBoggle. I renounce my religion!\n\nLIPPMAN\nWho wants cookies?\n\nADAM\nAs of this moment, I am no longer Jewish.\nI quit!\n\nLIPPMAN\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\n(Eating) Walnuts, mmmmmm.\n\nFRANK\nYou're late again, Costanza, so listen\nup. Starting tonight, we're\n\nhaving a little sales contest. The loser gets fired, the winner\n\ngets a Waterpik.\n\nESTELLE\n(From another room) You're not giving\naway our Waterpik!\n\nFRANK\nSerenity now!\n\nGEORGE\nYou know what? It doesn't matter, because\nI quit!\n\nFRANK\nI guess your mother was right. You never\ncould compete with Lloyd\n\nBraun! (Lloyd rings his sale bell and smiles)\n\nGEORGE\nYou wanna sell computers? I will show\n*you* how to sell\n\ncomputers! Hello, Mr. Farneman. You wanna buy a computer? No?\nWhy\n\nnot? All right, I see! Good answer! Thank you! (Lloyd rings his\nsale bell)\n\nSerenity now!\n\nELAINE\nAdam, you don't become a man overnight.\nLook at your\n\nfather. It takes time. Patience, experience. Uh, several careers\nof\n\nvarying success. And these are things I look for in a man.\n\nADAM\n(Storming out of the room) Well, that\ndoes me a lot of\n\ngood. 'Early 20s'!\n\nELAINE\nWell, I'm sorry, sir, I tried.\n\nLIPPMAN\nSo, that's the type of guy you're looking\nfor?\n\nELAINE\nUhh. I guess so. Why? (Mr. Lippman vigorously\nstarts\n\nmaking out with her)\n\nPATTY\n(Surveying Kramer's hall patio ) What\nis this?\n\nJERRY\n(Knocking on Kramer's door) Anytown,\nU.S.A. Hello? Is Kramer\n\nhome? Oh, hey.\n\nKRAMER\n(Spraying his flowers) Hello, neighbor.\n\nJERRY\nBoy, those azaleas are really coming\nin nicely.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, you gotta mulch. You've got to.\n\nJERRY\nYou barbecuing tonight?\n\nKRAMER\n(Ringing his wind chimes) Right after\nthe fireworks.\n\nJERRY\nSo, where do you want to eat tonight?\n\nPATTY\nHow about La Caridad again?\n\nJERRY\nAgain!? How much flan can a person eat!?\n\nPATTY\nJerry, you've been yelling at me all\nafternoon.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I don't think more flan is the\nanswer!\n\nPATTY\nMaybe I should just leave.\n\nJERRY\n'Maybe'!?\n\nPATTY\nGood-bye!\n\nJERRY\nDouble good-bye! (As Patty leaves, open\ndoor reveals Kramer,\n\nsitting on his lawn chair with a sparkler)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, buddy!\n\nELAINE\n(Coming in Jerry's apartment) Hey. Happy\nNew Year!\n\nKramer (Getting the door slammed on him) Y'all come back reeeaall...\n\nELAINE\nDid you and Patty just break up?\n\nJERRY\nYeah! In fact, she broke up with me!\nAnd I don't want to talk about\n\nit!\n\nELAINE\nWell, then you're free tonight. You\nknow what, I heard\n\nabout this great place called La Caridad.\n\nJERRY\nThat's the last thing she said to me.\nShe wanted to go there also,\n\nbut I wasn't in the mood.\n\nELAINE\nWhoa. What is the matter?\n\nJERRY\nIt's Patty.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, you break up with a girl every\nweek.\n\nJERRY\n(Crying) What--what is this salty discharge?\n\nELAINE\nOh my God. You're crying.\n\nJERRY\nThis is horrible! I care!\n\nJERRY\nPatty won't call me back. I don't know\nif I can live without her.\n\nKRAMER\nShe's really gotten to you, hasn't she?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know what's happening to me.\n\nKRAMER\nSimple. You let out one emotion, all\nthe rest will come\n\nwith it. It's like Endora's box.\n\nJERRY\nThat was the mother on Bewitched. You\nmean Pandora.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well, she... had one, too. (George\nenters)\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, can I talk to you for a second?\n(They enter Jerry's\n\napartment)\n\nKRAMER\n(Baseball flies at Kramer and hits him)\nThat's it, that's it! I\n\nwarned you kids. I told you not to play in front of my house.\n\nThis time, I'm keepin' it. And you're not getting back your rock\neither!\n\nGEORGE\n(hearing Jerry broke up with Patty)\nAre you still down in\n\nthe dumps? Come on. It's just a chick.\n\nJERRY\nYou ever heard of a little thing called\nfeelings?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I got just the thing to cheer\nyou up. A computer!\n\nHuh? We can check porn, and stock quotes.\n\nJERRY\nPorn quotes... I'm so lucky to have\na friend like you, George. Ever\n\ntell you how much I love you?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nI love you, George. Come here.\n\nGEORGE\nI-I'm already here. I'm here. I'm here.\nUh, you know what?\n\nIf you want a computer, call me. I-I gotta go.\n\nJERRY\nGo wherever you want. I'm still gonna\nlove you.\n\nKRAMER\nLook what they did. Look what they did\nto my house! I turn my back\n\nfor two seconds, and they put shaving cream all over my door.\nYou, I see\n\nyou! I'll teach these kids a lesson. Where's that house I put\nunder your\n\nsink?\n\nJERRY\nHose under my sink. I love *you*, Kramer!\n\nKRAMER\nI love you, too, buddy, and George--\n\nGEORGE\nI don't want to hear it, Kramer!\n\nKRAMER\nListen, when I give you the signal,\nI want you to turn this\n\nwater on full blast.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat signal? What-what signal?\n\nKRAMER\nI'll yell, uh, 'Hoochie mama!'\n\nGEORGE\nIf I do it, will you buy a computer?\n\nKRAMER\nOn the signal, George. On the signal.\n\nGEORGE\nOnly if you buy. I gotta make a sale.\n\nJERRY\nI love you, Costanza.\n\nGEORGE\nWill you shut up?!\n\nKRAMER\nNow! Now, George! Turn on the faucet!\nGeorge, turn on the\n\nfaucet! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mamamaaaaa!\n\nELAINE\nSo now the *other* Lippman kissed me.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, sure. They're Jewish, and you're\na shiksa.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nIt means a non-Jewish woman.\n\nELAINE\nI know what it means, but what does\nbeing a shiksa have to\n\ndo with it?\n\nGEORGE\nYou've got 'shiksappeal'. Jewish men\nlove the idea of\n\nmeeting a woman that's not like their mother.\n\nELAINE\nOh, that's insane.\n\nGEORGE\nI'll tell you what's insane: the price\nthat I could get you\n\non a new desktop computer.\n\nELAINE\nI am not buying a computer from you.\n\nGEORGE\nThere's porn.\n\nELAINE\n(Pausing) Even so.\n\nGEORGE\nDamn it!\n\nELAINE\nDon't get me wrong, Mr. Lippman. I-I'm\nvery flattered that\n\nyou found me attractive enough to... lunge at me. Huh. But the\nonly reason\n\nyou like me is because I'm a shiksa.\n\nLIPPMAN\nThat's simply not true.\n\nELAINE\nIf you weren't Jewish, you wouldn't\nbe interested in me.\n\nLIPPMAN\nYou are wrong. I'll prove it.\n\nELAINE\nOh, no. Don't!\n\nLIPPMAN\nI renounce Judaism!\n\nELAINE\nOy vey!\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened to you, pal?\n\nKRAMER\nJoey Zanfino and some of the neighborhood\nkids. They\n\nambushed me with a box of 'Grade A's.\n\nJERRY\nAre you all right?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, no. I'm fine. Serenity now. Serenity\nnow. Serenity now.\n\nJERRY\nSo, you're using Frank's relaxation\nmethod?\n\nKramer (Trying to open a back of chips) Jerry, the anger, it\njust melts\n\nright off. Serenity now. Look at this. Serenity now!\n\nElaine (Entering Jerry's apartment) Hey, what happened to you?\n\nKRAMER\nSerenity! (He exits)\n\nELAINE\nWell. You are not gonna believe this.\nNow Lippman is\n\nrenounced. This shiksa thing is *totally* out of control. What\nis\n\n*with* you people? What are you looking at?\n\nJERRY\nSit down, Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nOh, no. Jerry, I can't take any more\ngentle sobbing.\n\nJERRY\nI've been thinking about what it means\nto be complete.\n\nELAINE\nDo you have an apple or anything?\n\nJERRY\nLook at us, hurtling through space on\nthis big, blue marble.\n\nELAINE\nOr a nectarine? I would absolutely love\na nectarine.\n\nJERRY\nLooking everywhere for some kind of\nmeaning...\n\nELAINE\nWhy am I in such a fruit mood? Ahh,\nbanana!\n\nJERRY\nWhen all the while, the real secret\nto happiness has been right in\n\nfront of us!\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nElaine...\n\nGEORGE\n(Entering Jerry's apartment with a cartload\nof computers) Jerry,\n\nI've found a way to beat Lloyd Braun! I buy the computers myself,\nI\n\nstore 'em in your apartment. Then, after I win the contest, I\nbring 'em all\n\nback and get my money back. Ha ha! It's brilliant. What? What's\n\nwrong with your leg?\n\nJERRY\nI'm asking Elaine to marry me.\n\nGeorge (Leaving) I'll store these over at Kramer's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nElaine?\n\nELAINE\nUhh, Jerry, I've got a lot goin' on\nwith, uh, Lippman\n\nright now.\n\nJERRY\nLippman?\n\nElaine (Trying to get her bag to leave) Yeah, and him too. What?!\nOh,\n\nyeah! I think George is calling me, so I'm gonna go give him\na hand.\n\nCome on! Come on!\n\nJERRY\nCan I help you?\n\nELAINE\nNo. Stay! Stay. Stay.\n\nFRANK\nHey, Braun, Costanza's kicking your\nbutt!\n\nGeorge (using the phone) Watch how it's done. Oh, hello, Mr.\nVandelay?\n\nWould you like to buy a computer? Oh, really? Two dozen?\n\nFRANK\nCostanza, you're white hot!\n\nPHONE\nIf you'd like to make a call, please\nhang up and--\n\nFRANK\nHey, Braun, I got good news and bad\nnews. And they're both the\n\nSAME\nyou're fired. Costanza, you've won the\nwater pik!\n\nESTELLE\nYou're not gonna give away that water\npik!\n\nFRANK\nYou wanna bet? Serenity now, serenity\nnow!\n\nLLOYD\nYou know, you should tell your dad that\n'serenity now' thing\n\ndoesn't work. It just bottles up the anger, and eventually, you\n\nblow.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat do you know? You were in the nut\nhouse.\n\nLLOYD\nWhat do you think put me there?\n\nGEORGE\nI heard they found a family in your\nfreezer\n\nLLOYD\nSerenity now. Insanity later.\n\nJERRY\n(Entering the hallway to his apartment)\nWhat happened here,\n\nKramer?\n\nKRAMER\nSerenity now, serenity now...\n\nJERRY\nKramer!\n\nKRAMER\nGeez! Jerry, I didn't here you come\nin. Yeah, the children,\n\nthey've done sum redecorating. Serenity now, serenity now.\n\nJERRY\nYou don't look well.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, that's odd, 'cause I feel perfectly\nat peace with the\n\nworld- uh! eggs! you! Serenity now, serenity now, serenity now.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I'm sorry. Look at me, I stepped\non your last rose.\n\nKramer (going into his apartment) Jerry, come on. Don't get upset\nabout\n\nit. There's always next spring. Now will you excuse me for a\nmoment.\n\nSerenity nooooooooww!\n\nGEORGE\nJerry! I did it! Haha! I beat Braun!\n\nKRAMER\n(crashing and banging in his apartment)\nSerenity now!\n\nGEORGE\nCome on, wanna give me a hand with the\ncomputers?\n\nKRAMER\n(Crashing and banging around) Serenity\nnooooowwwww!\n\nGEORGE\nWhy couldn't you squeeze one of those\nstupid rubber balls\n\nto get your stress out? Why did you have to destroy *twenty-five*\n\ncomputers?\n\nKRAMER\n(Leaving) George, you listen to me.\nI owe ya one.\n\nJERRY\nHe's incorrigible. You want to talk\nabout it?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, please don't tell me you love me\nagain, Jerry, I can't handle\n\nit.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, letting my emotions out was\nthe best thing I've ever done.\n\nSure I'm not funny anymore, but there's more to life than making\n\nshallow, fairly-obvious observations. How about you?\n\nGEORGE\nAll right... here goes...\n\nELAINE\nRabbi, is there anything I can do to\ncombat this\n\nShiks-appeal?\n\nRABBI\nHa! Elaine, shiks-appeal is a myth,\nlike the Yeti, or his North\n\nAmerican cousin, the Sasquatch.\n\nELAINE\nWell, something's goin' on here, 'cause\nevery able-bodied\n\nIsraelite in the county is driving pretty strong to the hoop.\n\nRABBI\nElaine, there's much you don't understand\nabout the Jewish\n\nreligion. For example, did you know that rabbis are allowed to\ndate?\n\nELAINE\n(About to leave) Well, what does that\nhave to do...?\n\nRABBI\nYou know, a member of my congregation\nhas a timeshare in Myrtle\n\nBeach. Perhaps, if you're not too busy, we could wing on down\nafter\n\nthe High Holidays? Elaine? 'Lainie?\n\nGEORGE\nSo, that's it. All of my darkest fears,\nand... everything I'm\n\ncapable of. That's me.\n\nJERRY\nYikes. Well, good luck with all that.\n\nGEORGE\nWhere you going? I-I thought I could\ncount on you for a\n\nlittle compassion.\n\nJERRY\nI think you scared me straight.\n\nELAINE\nAll right, Jerome, I'm in.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nMaybe we should get married. Maybe everything\nwe need is\n\nright here in front of us. Jer... let's do it.\n\nJERRY\nI tell ya, I don't see it happening.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? What happened to the new Jerry?\n\nJERRY\nHe doesn't work here anymore.\n\nELAINE\nOh, well that's just *great!*\n\nGEORGE\nI love you, Jerry.\n\nJerry (Leaving) Right back at ya, Slick.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, all these years, I've always\nwanted to see the\n\ntwo of you get back together.\n\nELAINE\nWell, that's because you're an idiot.\n\nFRANK\nYou single-handedly brought Costanza\nand Son to the brink of\n\nbankruptcy.\n\nGEORGE\nWell what about all the Lloyd Braun\nsales?\n\nFRANK\nHe's crazy. His phone wasn't even hooked\nup. He just liked ringing\n\nthat bell.\n\nESTELLE\nI told you to clean out this garage.\nI have to put my car\n\nin!\n\nFRANK\nThis is a place of business. I told\nyou never to come in here.\n\nSerenity now!\n\nESTELLE\nAll right...\n\nGEORGE\nDad, you really should lay off the 'serenity\nnow' stuff.\n\nFRANK\nSo, what am I supposed to say?\n\nGEORGE\n'Hoochie mama'?\n\nESTELLE\nMove your crap, I'm comin' in!\n\nFRANK\nNo you're not! Hoochie mama! Hoochie\nmama!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Blood.html",
    "text": "THE BLOOD\n\nWritten by\n\nDan O'Keefe\n\n(Jerry's Apartment, 5A. Morty and Helen are packing suitcases.)\n\nJERRY\nAre you sure you can't stay longer?\n\nMORTY\nNo, we just came for the funeral. `\n\nHELEN\nPoor Marvin Kessler, he went too early.\n\nJERRY\nHe was 96 years old.\n\nMORTY\nThat had nothing to do with it, the\nman was out of shape.\n\nHELEN\nThat's why we joined a program. We walk\nonce around the block three times a\nweek.\n\nMORTY\nAnd every morning I eat a plum.\n\nJERRY\nWell, what ever you do, you're wearing\nme out.\n\nHELEN\nWhat about you?\n\nMORTY\nYeah, looks like you're getting a little\nspare tire there, tiger.\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\n(Kramer comes in)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Seinfelds!\n\nMORTY\nHey, Mr. Kramer!\n\nKRAMER\nHow long are you staying?\n\nHELEN\nWe just came down for a funeral.\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah, yeah I heard, Marvin Kessler.\nBoy, that makes you think. If he could\ngo...\n\nHELEN\nSee you downstairs with the car.\n\nJERRY\nAre you sure you don't need a hand with\nthat?\n\nMORTY\nNo no, the luggage is on the program.\nI got a brick in here.\n\n(Morty and Helen leave. Kramer pulls out a band aid from his\narm.)\n\nJERRY\nDid you give blood?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, not giving. hoarding. I'm storing\nit in to a blood bank. Just in case.\n\nJERRY\nIn case of what?\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, I know myself. If I'm out on\nthe street and it's starts to go down,\nI don't back off until it's finished.\n\nJERRY\nAre we finished?\n\nKRAMER\nDone.\n\n(Elaine is visiting her friend Vivian.)\n\nVIVIAN\nElaine, I'm so glad you came out.\n\nELAINE\nYeah...\n\nVIVIAN\nYou haven't seen Jimmy for years.\n\nELAINE\nI know, I'm glad I got to see him before\nhe hit puberty and got, you know all\nlurchy and awkward.\n\nVIVIAN\nActually, I'm gonna need someone to\nlook after him tomorrow evening.\n\nELAINE\nTomorrow evening, sure.\n\nVIVIAN\nDo you know anyone responsible?\n\nELAINE\nDo I know anyone??\n\nVIVIAN\nWell, if you think of anybody, give\nme a call.\n\n(George is with his girlfriend Tara. She is lighting a candle.)\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you doing?\n\nTARA\nIncense, for the mood.\n\nGEORGE\nOh yes, by no means, the mood. Let me\nknow if there's anything I can do to\nlend support to the mood.\n\n(Takes of his shoes and smells the candle.)\n\nGEORGE\nUm, cream soda?\n\nTARA\nVanilla.\n\n-\n\n(Monk's Cafe. Jerry and Elaine.)\n\nELAINE\nCan you believe that, Vivian doesn't\nthink I'm responsible?\n\nJERRY\nWho wants to responsible? When ever\nanything goes wrong, the first thing\nthey ask is: who's responsible for this?\n\nELAINE\nI couldn't raise a kid? Come on, I love\nbossing people around.\n\n(George comes to the table and starts eating Jerry's fries.)\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened, I thought you were with\nTara tonight?\n\nGEORGE\nI was, I had to leave. She lit some\nvanilla incenses. The smell drove me\nnuts, all I could think about was food,\nI had to get out of there. We need some\npudding here! Pudding!\n\nELAINE\nYou just left? What did you tell her?\n\nGEORGE\nI told I had a bus transfer that was\nonly good just for another hour.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know, I was starving Jerry!\n\n(Waitress bring pudding to George.)\n\nGEORGE\nOh, pudding! You want some?\n\nJERRY\nHey, you guys think I'm getting a little...chunky?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you kidding? We look great!\nYou know what this pudding needs? The\nskin on the top, you know like your\nmother used to make it on the stove.\n\nJERRY\nElaine, what do you think?\n\nELAINE\nI think you're getting a little pudding\nunder the skin yourself.\n\n----\n\n(Kramer is at the County Blood Bank.)\n\nKRAMER\nMy service rates went up? You banks\nare all the same with your hidden fees\nand your service charges. Well, maybe\nI'll just take my blood elsewhere, yeah.\n\nBANK EMPLOYEE\nWell, we can transfer to another bank\nfor you.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, no no no...no more banks. I'm keeping\nmy blood in my freezer with...my money!\n\n(George and Tara.)\n\nGEORGE\nSo eh, what do you say?\n\nTARA\nI guess we could use some food in our\nlovemaking.\n\nGEORGE\nOk, we got your...got your strawberries,\nyour chocolate sauce, your pastrami\non rye with mustard, your honey...\n\nTARA\nWait wait wait, pastrami on rye with\nmustard?\n\nGEORGE\nOh yeah yeah, don't you know they used\npastrami in that movie 9\u00bd weeks? Remember\nthe pastrami scene?\n\nTARA\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, maybe it was Ghostbusters? Where\never it was, it worked!\n\n(George takes a big bite and charges on to Tara.)\n\n----\n\n(Monk's Cafe, Jerry and George.)\n\nJERRY\nDidn't go for it, huh?\n\nGEORGE\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nSo, she didn't appreciate the erotic\nqualities of the salted cured meats?\n\nGEORGE\nShe tolerated the strawberries and the\nchocolate sauce, but eh, it's not a\nmeal, you know? Food and sex, those\nare my two passions. It's only natural\nto combine them.\n\nJERRY\nNatural? Sex is about love between a\nman and a woman, not a man and a sandwich.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, I'm not suggesting getting rid\nof the girl. She's integral.\n\nJERRY\nMaybe instead of trying to satisfy two\nof your needs, how about satisfying\none of somebody else's.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, speaking of which, I found a great\nway to separate the skin from the top\nof the pudding without leaving any around\nthe edges; Exacto knife.\n\nJERRY\nI told you George, no more pudding.\nI'm starting a purification program.\nKeep all that kind of food away from\nme.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I guess these would be out of\nthe question. (pulls out two pudding\nskins in plastic bags.)\n\nJERRY\nWhat the hell is that?\n\nGEORGE\nPudding skin singles.\n\n---\n\n(5A, Kramer and Jerry.)\n\nKRAMER\nHey buddy, I'm borrowing all your Tupperware.\n\nJERRY\nOh, why?\n\nKRAMER\nI closed down my account at the blood\nbank.\n\nJERRY\nWhat, it...it's here in the building?\n\nKRAMER\nRight across the hall. What, you wanna\ngo see?\n\nJERRY\nNo I don't! In fact, if even one corpuscles\nof that blood should find it's way across\nthat hall I will freak out on you Kramer!\nFreak out.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, for a fat guy you're not very\njolly.\n\n(Elaine comes in.)\n\nELAINE\nHey, working out?\n\nJERRY\nYou know it and I ditched all my junk\nfood.\n\n(Kramer looks to the fridge.)\n\nKRAMER\nWhat the heck is going on here?\n\nJERRY\nSorry buddy, clean house. It's all health\nfood.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I may have to take it, but I don't\nhave to like it.\n\nELAINE\nVivian left me a message. I guess a\ncertain someone changed her mind about\nwhether someone was responsible enough\nto watch certain other someone.\n\nJERRY\nIs this about me?\n\nELAINE\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nOh, then I lost interest.\n\n(Elaine calls on the phone.)\n\nELAINE\nVivian, hi it's Elaine. Yeah, I'm over\nat Jerry's, I got your message...What?\nYeah, he's right here, hold on...(hands\nthe phone to Kramer.)\n\nKRAMER\nFor me? Go...Yeah, what tonight? Yeah,\nI'll be there...Yeah later. (puts the\nphone down) Well, somebody's baby-sitting.\n\nELAINE\nYou? I'm more responsible than you are!\n\nKRAMER\nDon't be ridiculous. Now, if you'll\nexcuse me, I have to go to fill my freezer\nwith my own blood.\n\n(George is in bed with Tara. He reaches to the drawer for some\nsandwich.)\n\nGEORGE\nOh, Tara!\n\n-\n\n(Kramer comes to the Vivian's house and bangs the screen door.)\n\nKRAMER\nHello, Vivian! Oh, this is a nice screen.\n\n(Elaine comes and taps him on the back.)\n\nELAINE\nKramer...\n\nKRAMER\nDon't take my money!\n\nELAINE\nIt is me, you idiot. Hi, all right you've\ngot to get out of here, I'm gonna baby-sit\nthe hell out of that kid.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, I'm the baby-sitter.\n\nELAINE\nNo no no, you're out, I'm in. Now, hit\nthe road.\n\n(Vivian comes to open the door and Elaine pushes Kramer off the\nporch.)\n\nVIVIAN\nElaine? What are you doing here?\n\nELAINE\nKramer is actually sleeping one off,\nso I thought that I'd help out...(Kramer\nmoans from the bushes) what's that,\nsome raccoon or something...(hits Kramer\nwith a broom.)\n\nVIVIAN\nWell, I guess this would be all right.\nJimmy, you remember Elaine? She's gonna\nwatch you tonight.\n\nELAINE\nHi Jimmy. (Jimmy kicks Elaine to the\nshin.) Ouch! (The screen door hits her\nin the head.)\n\n(5A, Kramer and Jerry.)\n\nJERRY\nHey, what are you doing here? I thought\nyou were baby-sitting at Vivian's.\n\nKRAMER\nThere was an incident.\n\nJERRY\nOh no, where's the blood? (opens the\nfridge) It's in here isn't it?\n\nKRAMER\nWould you stop it.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is this?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's Jell-O.\n\nJERRY\nWhat about this? This is blood isn't\nit?!\n\nKRAMER\nThis is tomato juice, look...(drinks\nfrom the bottle.)\n\nJERRY\nOoh, you're sick! You're sick!!\n\nKRAMER\nWill you calm down. I took all my blood\ndown to Newman's. He let me put it in\nhis meat freezer.\n\nJERRY\nHey, what's going on? Who made pudding?\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah yeah, George he came by and\nmade more of those pudding skin singles.\nThey're delicious.\n\nJERRY\nDamn that George, I told him I don't\nwant this stuff around here anymore...\n\n(Jerry hits a spatula on the table and one Exacto knife flies\nthrough the air.)\n\nKRAMER\nHeads up!\n\nJERRY\nAaah...\n\n----\n\n(Elaine is on the baby-sitting gig and Jimmy is shooting her\nwith a toy gun.)\n\nJIMMY\nYou're dead, president Lincoln! You're\ndead!\n\nELAINE\nI wish I was dead.\n\nJIMMY\nCan I have your juice?\n\nELAINE\nAs long as you don't put...\n\n(Jimmy pours the juice to Elaine's bag.)\n\nELAINE\nThanks for the re-fill.\n\n(Jimmy runs laughing from the room and Vivian comes in.)\n\nVIVIAN\nHey, Elaine! How did it go?\n\nELAINE\nOh, he's...he's a joy...\n\nVIVIAN\nReally? Some sitter have told me he's\nbit of a handful.\n\nELAINE\nOh, handful of sunshine. I wish I could\ndo this every day.\n\nVIVIAN\nOh Elaine, that's so good to hear. I've\nbeen having a few health problems lately.\n\nELAINE\nIt's not serious, is it?\n\nVIVIAN\nWell, it might be. Just in case anything\ndoes happen, it's nice to know there's\nsomebody like you around.\n\nELAINE\nOh yeah, that eh...that is nice to know.\n(Pours the juice from the bag back to\nglass.)\n\n(Jerry wakes up at the hospital. Kramer is staring at him up\nclose.)\n\nJERRY\nAah!\n\nKRAMER\nIt's ok, Jerry. I'm right here.\n\nJERRY\nI can see that! What happened?\n\nKRAMER\nThat knife, it nicked your jugular.\nYou know Jerry, when somebody yells\n'heads up', you're not supposed to actually\nlook up.\n\nJERRY\nI'll remember that.\n\nKRAMER\nAnyway, you were lucky that I was there.\nYou lost a lot of blood.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah, you've got three pints of Kramer\nin you, buddy.\n\n(Jerry starts screaming and Kramer joins him.)\n\n(Monk's Cafe. Jerry and George.)\n\nGEORGE\nThree pints of Kramer's blood?\n\nJERRY\nI can feel his blood inside of me. Borrowing\nthings from my blood.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, so much for purification week.\n\nJERRY\nSo, how's the fornicating gourmet?\n\nGEORGE\nDoing quite well, thank you. Yesterday\nI had a soft boiled egg and a quickie.\nYou know what? If I could add TV to\nthe equation, that would really be the\nultimate.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, we're trying to have a civilization\nhere.\n\n(Elaine comes in.)\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey, how was baby-sitting?\n\nELAINE\nOh, just great. I found out that Vivian\nhas some kind of medical problem and\nif the worst happens she wants me to\ntake care of Jimmy.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I'm sure it won't be the worst.\n\nELAINE\nIt doesn't matter. If anything happens\nto her, I'm on deck! Scissors mishap,\nair show disaster, chinese organ thieves...it's\na dangerous world.\n\nGEORGE\nShe's right, I heard Kramer got mugged\nout on the suburbs on a baby-sitting\ngig.\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\n(5A, Kramer and Jerry.)\n\nKRAMER\nLook at this, look at the hair on the\nback of my neck. It's all bramble, see\nit's like thicket back there. Look,\nI need somebody to shave it for me,\nhuh?\n\nJERRY\nI'm not touching that thing.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I have to say I'm very surprised\nand disappointed - blood brother.\n\nJERRY\nOh, no...\n\nKRAMER\nWhat? Jerry, I gave you my blood. Listen\nto your pulse, (takes Jerry hand) hey\nbuddy-hey buddy-hey buddy...\n\nJERRY\nKramer, I'm not shaving your neck.\n\nKRAMER\nSo, my blood is not enough. Would you\nlike a kidney too, because I'll give\nit to you? I'll rip it out right here\nand stack it on the table!\n\nJERRY\nAll right, all right I'll do it, sit\ndown.\n\nKRAMER\nNo no no, I don't have time right now.\nI'll catch you tonight, we'll do sort\nof an all over kind of thing, all right?\n\n(Kramer leaves. Jerry phone rings and he answers.)\n\nJERRY\nHello?\n\n(It's Helen and Morty.)\n\nHELEN\nKramer called, he told that you were\nin a hospital.\n\nJERRY\nKramer called you?\n\nHELEN\nHe calls every week. Are you all right?\n\nJERRY\nYes, I'm fine.\n\nHELEN\nHe says he's fine.\n\nMORTY\nTell him to eat a plum.\n\nHELEN\nJerry, you really have to take better\ncare of yourself. We bought you some\nsession with a personal trainer.\n\nJERRY\nI don't need a personal trainer. (Kramer\ncomes in) all right I've got to go,\nwe'll talk about this later.\n\nMORTY\nPlum...(Jerry hangs up.)\n\nJERRY\nWhy are you calling my parents?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, maybe if you called more often,\nI wouldn't have to. Listen, is it all\nright if I watch a tape in here?\n\nJERRY\nWhy here?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I'm taping Canadian Parliament,\nyou know on C-Span.\n\nJERRY\nOk...\n\nKRAMER\nIs it all right if I watch it in your\nbedroom, cause your bed is really nice?\n\nJERRY\nFine...\n\nKRAMER\nOk!\n\n(Newman runs in with two boxes of popcorn.)\n\nJERRY\nNo no no no no no no no no no! I do\nnot want that in here!\n\nKRAMER\nBlood!\n\nJERRY\nAll right.\n\n(Knock on the door. Jerry opens and it's Izzy Mandelbaum.)\n\nIZZY\nHello, dough boy.\n\nJERRY\nMr. Mandelbaum? You're the personal\ntrainer?\n\nIZZY\nI'm here to whip you in to shape, so\ngrab your jocks - if you need one. It's\ngo-time.\n\n(Elaine is on another baby-sitting gig at Vivian's. Vivian comes\nin and Elaine is sleeping on the couch, smoking a cigar.)\n\nVIVIAN\nElaine? Elaine?\n\nELAINE\nOh, hi, oh God. I didn't here you come\nin.\n\nVIVIAN\nWhere's Jimmy?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know, I don't know...we had\nHoHos for dinner and then eh...and then\nhe put this plastic bag over his head\nand started running around until he\ngot tired and then he laid down somewhere\nI...I tell you I'm no good watching\nthat kid.\n\nVIVIAN\nSleeping like an angel. Elaine, you're\nthe best.\n\nELAINE\nNo! I'm a scatter brain. That's why\nI probably can't hold a job or keep\na man!\n\nVIVIAN\nBe quiet. So, will you watch Jimmy tomorrow?\n\nELAINE\nAll right, but I'm running out of purses\nhere. (takes her purse from a punch\nball.)\n\n(The Gladiator Gym. Jerry and Mr. Mandelbaum.)\n\nJERRY\nOk Mr. Mandelbaum, what you want me\nto do?\n\nIZZY\nDrop your purse, and pick up that medicine\nball.\n\nJERRY\nIs this a gym, or some kind of fitness\nmuseum?\n\nIZZY\nNot funny, over your head with it. Are\nyou ready?\n\nJERRY\nFor what?\n\nIZZY\nAll aboard in the pain train!\n\n(Izzy starts hitting Jerry's stomach with weak taps.)\n\nJERRY\nHow many session did my parents paid\nfor?\n\nIZZY\nNot enough to make a man of you, daffodil.\n\n(George and Tara are in bed. George reaches out for a sandwich)\n\nGEORGE\nOohoho...spicy mustard...woohoho, you're\nhot tonight!\n\nTARA\nOh, George!\n\nGEORGE\nAnd now for the trifecta. (Picks up\na hand held TV and gets back under the\ncovers.)\n\nTARA\nGeorge? George? What are you doing?!\n(Pulls the covers off. George is eating\na sandwich and watching TV.)\n\nGEORGE\nPleasuring you?\n\n-\n\nManana. Jerry comes in.)\n\nJERRY\nWhat is this?\n\nKRAMER\nWe're making sausages.\n\n(Jerry stops the tape.)\n\nJERRY\nI thought you were gonna watch a video.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, an instructional video about how\nto make your own sausages.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, I'm not in a mood for this.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, all right. Newman, let's\ngo grab some mail sacks and haul these\nbeauties out of here.\n\n(Kramer starts the tape again and he and Newman leave.)\n\nJERRY\nBlood over there, sausages over here.\nI'm living in a slaughter house.\n\n(Izzy Mandelbaum comes in with a plywood plate.)\n\nIZZY\nTonight I want you to sleep on this.\nToughens the vertebrae. (Looks at the\nsausages) What in holy hell? Sausages?\nIs this your diet?\n\nJERRY\nNo they're not mine Mr. Mandelbaum...\n\nIZZY\nDon't lie to me, butter bean. We're\ntaking it up a notch.\n\n-------------------------------------------------------\n\n(Monk's Cafe. Jerry and George.)\n\nJERRY\nSo, the free love buffet is over?\n\nGEORGE\nI got greedy. Flew too close to the\nsun on wings of pastrami.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, that's what you did...I can't\nbelieve I got another session with Izzy\nMandelbaum, he's probably makes me box\na kangaroo.\n\n(George eats a sandwich and gets flustered.)\n\nJERRY\nWhat's going on?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know. This sandwich is making\nme flush.\n\nJERRY\nOh no, I'll tell you what you did Caligula;\nyou combined food and sex in to one\ndisgusting uncontrollable urge.\n\nGEORGE\nI think you're right. You gonna eat\nthat?\n\nJERRY\nNo, but please tell me that's all you're\ngonna do with it.\n\n(Elaine comes in)\n\nELAINE\nJerry, I tell you; if this woman dies,\nit is going to be a major inconvenience.\n\nGEORGE\nThese fries are really really good...\n\nJERRY\nAll right, that's enough of that. (Jerry\ntakes the plates and hands them to a\nwaitress.)\n\nELAINE\nI mean I can't shake this woman. You\nknow, now I have to go to Jimmy's birthday\nparty.\n\nGEORGE\nUuh, sleepy.\n\nELAINE\nNo matter what I do, I cannot weasel\nout of raising this kid.\n\nJERRY\nWell, sleepy here is quite a weasel,\nmaybe he can bat for you.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, that's what I need; a pinch weasel.\n\n(Kramer comes in.)\n\nKRAMER\nWhy did you get rid of that sausage?\n\nJERRY\nIt wasn't me, it was Mr. Mandelbaum.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah well, Newman's not happy, he booted\nme out of his freezer. Look, I've got\nto take my blood back to the bank, can\nI borrow your car?\n\nJERRY\nWhat's wrong with yours?\n\nKRAMER\nI got no A/C and I gotta keep the blood\ncold or it'll go bad.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, but this is it, this is the\nlast favor, we're even!\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, Even Steven. Oh, by the way,\nwhen you get back to your apartment\ntry to keep it down because Newman is\ntaking a nap in your bed.\n\n(Jerry's car. Kramer is taking the blood to the bank. Manaja\nsong is playing.)\n\n(Kramer looks at the car's thermometer and it gets on hot.)\n\nKRAMER\nOh, man...(looks to the glove compartment\nfor a manual.) \"If the engine begins\nto overheat, turn off air conditioner\".\nNever, I can't do that.\n\n(Engine begins to smoke.)\n\nKRAMER\nOh, mama...\n\n(Kramer stops and opens the hood.)\n\nKRAMER\nShees, come on...(opens the radiator)..this\nthing is bone dry. (Looks at the blood.)\n\n----------------------------------------------------\n\n(Elaine is visiting Vivian.)\n\nELAINE\nVivian...\n\nVIVIAN\nElaine!\n\nELAINE\nHi! This is my friend George.\n\nVIVIAN\nHi...\n\nELAINE\nI'm gonna go say hi to Jimmy.\n\nVIVIAN\nOk.\n\nVIVIAN\nOh, isn't Elaine fantastic?\n\nGEORGE\nYes she is. It's a pity we won't be\nseeing much more of her.\n\nVIVIAN\nReally, why?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, you haven't heard, she's going to\nlive with her grandparents in Redding\nPennsylvania.\n\nVIVIAN\nHer grandparent passed away five years\nago.\n\nGEORGE\nYes they did. I was covering. Elaine\nhas been deported back to Scotland.\n\nVIVIAN\nShe's American citizen, I have seen\nher passport.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, no more lies. Elaine is been\nchosen to represent the Upper West Side\nin the next Biosphere project.\n\nVIVIAN\nI haven't heard anything about another\nBiosphere.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's because it's underwater.\n\nVIVIAN\nThis is insane.\n\nGEORGE\nIs it?\n\nVIVIAN\nYes it it.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, it's all for charity, so what's\nthe difference.\n\n(Oven pings)\n\nVIVIAN\nYou...very knowledgeable.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I'm also an architect. Is that\npastrami?\n\nVIVIAN\nYes it is. I find the pastrami to be\nthe most sensual of all the salted cured\nmeats. Hungry?\n\nGEORGE\nVery.\n\n(They kiss and fall down to the floor.)\n\nVIVIAN\nOh, wait...(Vivian turns the TV on.)\nOohh...\n\nGEORGE\nVivian!!\n\n(Jerry's has belt and it's connected to the car with a rope.\nIzzy and Izzy Jr. are in the car.)\n\nJERRY\nIs this really necessary?\n\nIZZY\nIf you wanna live in a butcher shop,\nI'm gonna treat you like a piece of\nmeat.\n\nJERRY\nWhat if I can't keep up?\n\nIZZY\nYou lie, you dry. Fire it up, son.\n\nIZZY JR.\nRight dad, Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum...\n\nIZZY AND IZZY JR\nMandelbaum, Mandelbaum...(Izzy Jr. drives\nahead, but the car starts jerking)\n\nIZZY\nMove it, move it! Get those knees up!\nCome on, kick it, kick it!\n\nJERRY\nWhat's going on?\n\nIZZY JR.\nThere's something wrong with your car.\nIt's dripping something on my feet.\nSome kind of red liquid.\n\nJERRY\nOh my God, the blood!\n\nIZZY JR.\nBlood!!\n\n(Izzy Jr. floors the gas pedal and Jerry falls down.)\n\nIZZY\nGet up boy, get up! We got a problem\nhere! Tough it up. This is for real,\nyou've got to want it...\n\n...\n\n(Jerry and Elaine in a hospital.)\n\nELAINE\nSo how long did they drag you?\n\nJERRY\nWell, for the first quarter mile they\nthought that I was just doggin' it.\n\n(George and Jimmy come in)\n\nELAINE\nHi George. Hi Jimmy.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, Jimmy why don't you wait outside,\nyou know, play with something.\n\n(Jimmy kicks George in to the shin.)\n\nGEORGE\nOuch!\n\nJERRY\nWhat's the kid doing here?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm baby-sitting! Vivian asked me to\nraise him if she doesn't make it.\n\nJERRY\nOh, that's a drag...\n\n(Kramer comes in.)\n\nKRAMER\nThat kid...\n\nJERRY\nYou put blood in the car?!\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, it was overheating. You should\ntake better care of that thing.\n\nJERRY\nWell, they told me that I got more blood,\nso I guess I owe you again.\n\nKRAMER\nYou didn't get the blood from me.\n\nJERRY\nThen who?\n\n(Newman comes in and he has band aid in his arm.)\n\nNEWMAN\nHello Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nAaaaahhh...!!!\n\nJERRY AND KRAMER\nAaaahhh...!!!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Junk-Mail.html",
    "text": "THE JUNK MAIL\n\nWritten by\n\nSpike Feresten\n\nJERRY, ON THE PHONE\nYeah. Yeah. All right. Uh-huh.\nChinese food!\n\nGEORGE\nWho was it?\n\nJERRY\nI did a show for a car dealership and\nthey're getting me a new SAAB.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about your old car? They couldn't\nget Kramer's blood out of it?\n\nJERRY\nNo, the engine clotted. You know who\nset this whole thing up for me?\n\nFrank Merman.\n\nGEORGE\nFragile Frankie Merman? I never liked\nthat guy.\n\nJERRY\nWhy? He's harmless.\n\nGEORGE\nEvery summer you guys went to camp together.\nI was jealous. Felt like he was the summer me.\n\nJERRY\nHe was not the summer you. Besides,\nyou had a summer me. Whitey Fisk,\n\nthe guy who snuck you into Last Tango in Paris.\n\nGEORGE\nI made him up.\n\nJERRY\nSo you never saw Last Tango in Paris?\n\nGEORGE\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nToo bad. It was erotic.\njackbooted thugs!\n\nJERRY\n'Pottery Barn'?\n\nKRAMER\nI got three 'Pottery Barn' catalogs\nin one day. That makes eight\nthis month.\n\nJERRY\nWhy don't you just throw 'em out?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, no. I've been saving them up here\nin your apartment. And now,\nit's payback time. 'Pottery Barn'\nis in for a world of hurt.\n\nphones. So you wanna grab a bite?\n\nGEORGE\nI can't. I gotta make the weekly call\nto the folks.\n\nJERRY\nSo call now.\n\nGEORGE\nI gotta prep. I need a couple of anecdotes,\na few\n\nyou-were-right-abouts. It's a whole procedure. Wasn't Fragile\nFrankie the one\n\nthat used to run into the woods every time he got upset?\n\nJERRY\nThat's him.\n\nGEORGE\nIs he still nuts?\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you think? They gave me a new\ncar for thirty minutes of 'So,\nwho's from out of town?'\nor what?\n\nELAINE\nMmm. De-lish.\n\nPUDDY\nDelish?\n\nELAINE\nDelish. You know, short for delicious.\n\nPUDDY\nOh, like scrump.\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nPUDDY\nI'm gonna be late. See ya later.\n\nJACK\nExcuse me, can I borrow your ketchup?\n\nJACK\nThank you.\n\nHeraldic harp sounds as Elaine looks at Jack's face\n\nGEORGE\nHey, it's Georgie.\n\nESTELLE\nLet me put your father on the phone.\n\nGEORGE\nMa!\n\nFRANK\nWho is this?\n\nGEORGE\nDad, it's me. Hey, listen, I was at\nFortunoff's the other day, and,\n\nyou know what, you were right.\n\nFRANK, HANGING UP\nSorry, George, our Chinese food just\ncame. Talk to you\n\nlater.\n\nGEORGE\nChinese food?\n\nsending out catalogs!? How do you like gettin' 'em back!?\n\nJERRY\nSo, maybe they had Chinese food?\n\nGEORGE\nAfter dark? Please. At their age, that's\nlike swallowing stun\n\ngrenades.\n\nJERRY\nWell, there's one way to check. Where\nthere's Chinese food, there's\n\nleftovers.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's dynamite. Yeah, I'll look for\nthe Chinese food leftovers.\n\nELAINE\nHey, hey, hey! I met this guy! And it\nwas like this, totally unreal,\n\nfairy tale moment.\n\nJERRY\nIt wasn't Whitey Fisk, was it?\n\nELAINE\nOh, George's friend. Whatever happened\nto him?\n\nGEORGE\nNothing. Uh, I don't know. I gotta go.\n\nJERRY\nSo, this is beautiful. You, and Puddy,\nand this new guy, in a big pot\n\nof love stew.\n\nELAINE\nOh, yeah... Puddy. Well, I won't fire\nhim until I see if this new\n\nguy can... handle the workload.\n\n'Omaha Steaks', 'Mac Warehouse', 'Newsweek'?! I can't stop all\nthese\n\ncompanies, so, I'm gonna attack this problem at the choke point.\n\nJERRY\nStop the mail?\n\nKRAMER\nThat's... even better!\n\nFRANKIE\nJerry!\n\nJERRY\nHey, Frankie! So, where's the car?\n\nFRANKIE\nThis is it.\n\nJERRY\nInside the van?\n\nFRANKIE\nIt is the van! Don't you remember, we\nalways talked about how cool\n\nit would be to have a van and just drive?\n\nJERRY\nWe were ten.\n\nFRANKIE\nCome on. Let's take it for a spin.\n\nJERRY\nI don't want a van.\n\nELAINE\nWell, just tell him you want the SAAB.\n\nJERRY\nYou don't understand. This is Fragile\nFrankie Merman. When we were in\n\ncamp, if you upset him, he'd run out to the woods, dig a hole,\nand sit in it.\n\nELAINE\nWell, I have an idea. Keep the van,\nand get a bumper sticker that\n\nsays, 'If this vans a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'.'\n\nJERRY\nAlways helpful.\n\nESTELLE\nOh, Georgie, what are you doing here?\n\nGEORGE\nJust dropped in for a visit. You, uh,\nyou never called me back.\n\nESTELLE\nUh... the phone broke.\n\nFRANK\nWell, we got to get moving.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat? Where are you going?\n\nFRANK\nWe have a catered affair.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're going like that?\n\nsuspicious.\n\nJACK\nElaine, I'm sorry I'm late.\n\nHeraldic harp sounds as Elaine looks at Jack's face\n\nJACK\nI'm gonna be in the can.\n\nELAINE\nOkay, Jack.\n\nCASHIER\nSure.\n\nright. Again.\n\nJERRY\nAye, aye.\n\nFRANKIE\nOh, there's a spot. Just back up.\n\nLarge-vehicle reverse beeping starts\n\nJERRY\nHold on. There must be a truck backing\nup.\n\nFRANKIE\nNo, that's us.\n\nJERRY\nGreat. You know, Frankie, I was wondering.\nWhat if I decided that\n\nit's silly to drive a van, because, you know, I live in New York\nCity. Is\n\nthere maybe some way I could exchange it?\n\nFRANKIE\nYou don't like the van?\n\nJERRY\nNo, no, no. Just hypothetically.\n\nFRANKIE\nI gotta go to the park.\n\nJERRY\nNo! No, you don't! No woods. I love\nthe van. I'm a van guy.\n\nthem, but let's see them get by... these bricks.\n\nJERRY\nWhere'd you get the bricks?\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, the whole building is brick.\n\nJERRY\nSo you want to take a ride with me out\nto Jersey? I'm gonna try to\n\nsell the van to a lot.\n\nKRAMER\nA dealer? Are you insane? No, take out\nan ad. Sell it privately.\n\nJERRY\nI don't think I want to meet the people\nthat are in the market for a\n\nused van.\n\nKRAMER\nCome on, Jerry, just let me help you.\n\nJERRY\nOK.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right! OK! Right, here we go. Yeah.\nOK, so... 'For sale. A big,\n\njuicy van.' And, ooh, you gotta put down, 'interesting trades\nconsidered.'\n\nJERRY\nI don't want to trade.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, you don't have to. It's all about\ntickling their buying bone.\n\nJERRY\nHey, you know what? This is all your\nmail. They're puttin' it in my\n\nbox now.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, that's it. They have gone too far.\nThey keep pushing me, and\n\npushing me. Now I got no choice but to go down there... and talk\nto them.\n\nELAINE\nHey, Jerry. I'd like you to meet someone.\nThis is Jack.\n\nHeraldic harp sounds as Jerry looks at Jack's face\n\nPOSTAL EMPLOYEE\nMay I help you?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I'd like to cancel my mail.\n\nPOSTAL EMPLOYEE\nCertainly. How long would you like us\nto hold it?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, no, no. I don't think you get me.\nI want out, permanently.\n\nNEWMAN\nI'll handle this, Violet. Why don't\nyou take your three hour break?\n\nOh, calm down, everyone. No one's cancelling any mail.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yes, I am.\n\nNEWMAN\nWhat about your bills?\n\nKRAMER\nThe bank can pay 'em.\n\nNEWMAN\nThe bank. What about your cards and\nletters?\n\nKRAMER\nE-mail, telephones, fax machines. Fedex,\ntelex, telegrams,\n\nholograms.\n\nNEWMAN\nAll right, it's true! Of course nobody\nneeds mail. What do you\n\nthink, you're so clever for figuring that out? But you don't\nknow the half of\n\nwhat goes on here. So just walk away, Kramer. I beg of you.\n\nSUPERVISOR\nIs everything all right here, Postal\nEmployee Newman?\n\nNEWMAN\nYes, sir, I believe everything is all\nsquared away. Isn't it, Mr.\n\nKramer?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah. As long as I stop getting\nmail!\n\nESTELLE\nOh!\n\nGEORGE\nQuick for a... catered affair.\n\nFRANK\nI don't know what you mean.\n\nGEORGE\nYou ditched me. That's twice. Now I\ndemand to know what's going on!\n\nFRANK\nGeorge, we've had it with you. Understand?\nWe love you like a son,\n\nbut even parents have limits.\n\nESTELLE\nThe breakups, the firings. And every\nSunday with the calls.\n\nFRANK\nWhat my wife is trying to say is that\nthis is supposed to be our\n\ntime.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm not following.\n\nFRANK\nWe're cuttin' you lose.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're cuttin' me loose?\n\nFRANK\nNow, if you'll excuse me, I'm going\nto make love to your mother.\n\nGEORGE\nThey don't want to see me anymore!\n\nJERRY\nBut this is what you've always wanted.\n\nGEORGE\nIt is. I'm just not ready yet.\n\nJERRY\nAw, that's kind of sweet.\n\nGEORGE\nAh, shut up, Jerry. My parents think\nthey can ignore me. Heh heh.\n\nWell, they better think again.\n\nJERRY\nOh, no. George, please. What are you\ngoing to do?\n\nGEORGE\nYou remember my cousin Rhisa? I'm gonna\ndate her.\n\nJERRY\nMother of God.\n\nGEORGE\nOne little wink. She'll freak out, tell\nmy parents. They'll be all\n\nover me. Who is this guy?\n\nJERRY\nThat guy Elaine's dating seems really\nfamiliar to me. I think he may\n\nhave been a comedian I worked with one time. Wait a minute, what\nis this?\n\nOn the TV, Jack is The Wiz, the spokesman for Nobody Beats the\nWiz, chanting\n\nNobody beats me, because I'm the Wiz! I'm the Wiz!\n\nJERRY\nThat is the guy!\n\nGEORGE\nElaine's in love with the Wiz guy?\n\nJERRY\nNo, she thinks she's in love with him.\nBut she's just remembering\n\nthis old commercial.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's pretty pathetic.\n\nJERRY\nI know. They're not even related.\n\nGEORGE\nUh... hey. I'm gonna get going.\n\nJERRY\nHey, have fun at the... family reunion.\nSo, what do you know about\n\nthis Jack fellow?\n\nELAINE\nIsn't he the best?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, nobody beats him. What kind of\nwork does he do?\n\nELAINE\nOh, right now he's a fact checker for\nNew York Magazine. It's not\n\nmuch, but it has a certain type of quiet dignity.\n\nthis?\n\nOn the TV, Jack is The Wiz, the spokesman for Nobody Beats the\nWiz, chanting\n\nNobody beats me, because I'm the Wiz! I'm the Wiz!\n\nELAINE\nOh, no.\n\nJERRY\nOh, yes.\n\ncome on buy.\n\nRHISA\nYeah, thanks.\n\nGEORGE\nSure. You know, Rhisa. I've always found\nyou... very attractive.\n\nRHISA\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nI know it may sound shocking. But, I\njust can't stop myself from...\n\nwanting you.\n\nRHISA\nYou want to borrow money, right?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no. I-I just want us to be... together.\n\nRHISA\nAll right.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right?\n\nRHISA\nLet's go for it.\n\nGEORGE\nWell... we could dance around it a little\nfirst.\n\nGEORGE\nWhoa! Whoa! Geez!\n\nJERRY\nYou know why I'm selling it. I hate\nit.\n\nKRAMER\nHow many miles?\n\nJERRY\nTwo.\n\nKRAMER\nCity or highway?\n\nJERRY\nLook, do you really want to buy this\nthing, or what?\n\npressured. I'll walk away right now. Is this thing bent? I'm\nnot paying for\n\nthat.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, just get out of here.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, look. I'm going to be honest.\nI'm very interested in the\n\nvan.\n\nJERRY\nOK, fine. 'What do I have to do to put\nyou in this van today?'\n\nBut it says right here, 'interesting trades considered'.\n\nJERRY\nYou put that in!\n\nJERRY\nYou want to trade me an undershirt?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, I want to trade you screen legend\nAnthony Quinn's undershirt. He\n\ntook this off to do sit-ups in the park and I nabbed it.\n\nJERRY\nThat's disgusting.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, it's my final offer.\n\nPUDDY\nYou dumped me for some idiotic TV pitchman.\n\nELAINE\nLook, I'm sorry, Puddy. It-it was a\nmistake. So, let's just put it\n\nbehind us, and we can continue like this never happened.\n\nPUDDY\nGee, I don't know. What if we're out\nsomewhere and you see the Maytag\n\nrepairman.\n\nELAINE\nYou're not taking me back?\n\nPUDDY, LEAVING\nThat's right.\n\nELAINE\nHe's not idiotic. He's the Wiz. And\nnobody beats him. Nobody...\n\non. Hey, mail blows. Fax it to a friend.\n\nWOMAN\nWhy does this dummy have a bucket on\nits head?\n\nKRAMER\nBecause we're blind to their tyranny.\n\nWOMAN\nThen shouldn't you be wearing the bucket?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Move along, Betty.\n\nFRANKIE\nIs this, uh, Jerry Seinfeld's van?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, not anymore. He traded it to me\nfor some Hollywood\n\nmemorabilia.\n\nFRANKIE\nI'm, uh, I'm so stupid.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, nice to meet you.\n\nJERRY\nShe's into it?\n\nGEORGE\nShe's leaving me dirty messages on my\nanswering machine.\n\nJERRY\nSo have your parents found out about\nit?\n\nGEORGE\nShe wants to keep it quiet. She... thinks\nwe have a real future\n\ntogether.\n\nJERRY\nBrave new world, alright.\n\nJERRY\nHey, how's the anti-mail campaign going?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, it's fantastic. We were out in front\nof the post office today,\n\nand not one person went in.\n\nJERRY\nIt's Sunday.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy is the mailman wearing a bucket?\n\nKRAMER\nHuh? Well, it symbolizes our persecution.\n\nGEORGE\nThen... shouldn't you be wearing the\nbucket.\n\nJERRY\nHey, I want my van keys back.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, well. I, uh, thought we made a deal\nfor Quinn's t-shirt.\n\nJERRY\nAre you insane? Give 'em to me.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, I can't, I can't. See, I told Frank\nhe could borrow it. Yeah, he\n\nwants to move some of George's stuff into storage.\n\nGEORGE\nWait a minute? He's picking up the van\ntonight? This is perfect.\n\nI'll drive Rhisa to someplace romantic. Then when my father slides\nthe door\n\nopen, I'm in the van kissing his brother's daughter.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, listen, Jerry. One of your friends\ncame by and he was very upset\n\nthat I had your wheels.\n\nJERRY\nOh, no, not Frankie.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I didn't catch his name, but then\nhe went running into the\n\npark.\n\nJERRY\nOh, no, the woods! The hole!\n\nNEWMAN\nKramer, what the hell are you doing?\n\nKRAMER\nI know, I'm gonna switch the bucket\nto something else.\n\nNEWMAN\nNot that!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nNEWMAN\nYou're in trouble, Kramer. I shouldn't\neven be talking to you, but\n\nwalking. Maybe on a crisp, autumn day just like today. When a\nmail truck will\n\nslow beside you, and a door will open, and a mailman you know,\nmaybe even\n\ntrust, will offer to give you a lift.\n\nKRAMER\nAre you through?\n\nNEWMAN\nNo! And no one will ever see you again!\n\nKRAMER\nAre you through?\n\nNEWMAN\nYes. No, wait! OK, yes.\n\nin!\n\nKRAMER\nOh, no, no, no. That's exactly how you\nsaid it was going down.\n\nNEWMAN\nThere's another way it can go down,\nand it's going down right now!\n\nKRAMER\nNo. You said a mailman I know, and you're\na mailman I know!\n\nNEWMAN\nI know you know, but you don't know\nwhat I know.\n\nJERRY\nFrankie! Frankie! Frankie! Frankie,\nis that you?\n\nHOLE DIGGER\nMy name is Edgar.\n\nJERRY\nHave a nice night.\n\nHOLE DIGGER\nThank you.\n\nFrankie, digging a hole, talking to himself, and seeing Jerry's\nvan pull up\n\nNEAR HIM\nStupid... so stupid! Jerry?\n\nRHISA\nAll right, George. I'm ready.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, hold on. I'm, uh, I'm just trying\nto get a reading on my\n\ndashboard compass. Where are my parents?\n\nRHISA\nGeor-gie...\n\nSeinfeld's van? Seinfeld's van? Seinfeld's van?!\n\nhe saying?\n\nGEORGE\nI think he's saying 'Son of Sam'! Oh,\nmy God!\n\nRHISA\nNo, they caught him.\n\nELAINE\nSo I told him, 'Hit the road. I'm going\nback with Jack.'\n\nJACK\nElaine, that's the second piece of good\nnews today.\n\nELAINE\nReally, what was the first?\n\nagain.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJACK, DANCING AROUND\nI'm the Wiz! I'm the Wiz!\n\nELAINE\nWell what, what about your fact-checking\njob?\n\nJACK, DANCING AROUND\nOh... here's a fact. Uh, I'm... the\nWiz! I'm the Wiz\n\nand noooobody beats me!\n\nthere.\n\nFRANKIE\nYou hate the van.\n\nJERRY\nBut I'm keeping it. As much as I hate\nthe idea of being a van guy,\n\nit's much better than hanging out here with the nocturnal dirt\npeople.\n\nFRANKIE\nSo, can we go for a ride?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, let's just get out of here.\n\nwith that?\n\nGood. He left the door unlocked.\n\nESTELLE\nWhy did Kramer have to park the van\nin the woods?\n\nFRANK\nIsn't it obvious? There are no parking\nmeters out here.\n\nmama!\n\nPOSTMASTER GENERAL\nOh, my goodness. What have they done\nto you here?\n\nKRAMER\nHuh? Who are you?\n\nPOSTMASTER GENERAL\nWell, you can just call me Henry.\n\nKRAMER\nHenry Atkins? The postmaster general?\n\nPOSTMASTER GENERAL\nLast time I checked.\n\nKRAMER\nHenry... can I get out of here now?\n\nPOSTMASTER GENERAL\nOh, oh. Sit a bit. Sit a bit. I mean,\nafter all, I drove\n\nall the way up here from D.C. just to talk to you.\n\nKRAMER\nOh?\n\nPOSTMASTER GENERAL\nI even had to cancel a round of golf\nwith the secretary\n\nof state. Do you like golf, Mr. Kramer?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nPOSTMASTER GENERAL\nKramer, I've been, uh, reading some\nof your material\n\nimagine. An army of men in wool pants running through the neighborhood\n\nhanding out pottery catalogs, door to door.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah! Ha ha.\n\nPOSTMASTER GENERAL\nWell, it's my job. And I'm pretty damn\nserious about it.\n\nIn addition to being a postmaster, I'm a general. And we both\nknow, it's the\n\njob of a general to, by God, get things done. So maybe you can\nunderstand why\n\nI get a little irritated when someone calls me away from my golf.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm very, very sorry.\n\nPOSTMASTER GENERAL\nSure, you're sorry. I think we got a\nstack of mail out\n\nat the desk that belongs to you. Now, you want that mail, don't\nyou Mr.\n\nKramer?\n\nKRAMER\nSure do!\n\nKramer, seeing Newman walk into the office with a bucket on his\nhead,\n\nNEWMAN, WHIMPERING\nTell the world my story.\n\nJERRY\nHey, George!\n\nGEORGE\nJerry! Hey, that's the guy!\n\nJERRY\nWhat? George Costanza, Frankie Merman.\n\nGEORGE\nOh. The summer me.\n\nFRANKIE\nThe winter me.\n\nJERRY\nYou must be George's cousin.\n\nRHISA\nGirlfriend.\n\nJERRY\nAll right.\n\nJERRY\nDon't go a-knockin'.\n\nFRANKIE\nNow you gotta sell this van.\n\nJERRY\nOh, yeah.\n\nFRANK\nWhat you saw in that van was a natural\nexpression of a man's love for\n\nhis lady.\n\nGEORGE\nOhhhh...\n\nESTELLE\nYour father's right. It's beautiful.\n\nFRANK\nAnd it was safe.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, God...\n\nFRANK\nNow if you'll excuse me. Once again,\nyour mother and I...\n\nGEORGE\nOh... make it stop.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Merv-Griffin-Show.html",
    "text": "THE MERV GRIFFIN SHOW\n\nWritten by\n\nBruce Eric Kaplan\n\n(Jerry and Kramer in an alley)\n\nJERRY\nWhy were you making gravel?\n\nKRAMER\nWell ... I like the sound it makes when\nyou walk on it.\n\nHey, those look familiar.\n\nJERRY\nOf course. It's garbage.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, no, no. These brown things.\nThe chairs. Jerry, this is the set from\nthe old Merv Griffin\n\nShow! They must be throwing it out. This stuff belongs in the\nSmithsonian!\n\nJERRY\nYeah, at least in the dumpster behind\nthe Smithsonian.\n\nKRAMER\nLook at this. Boy, one minute Elliot\nGold is sitting on you and the next\nthing -\n\nyou're yesterday's trash.\n\nJERRY\nCome on, Kramer, get out of there.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, no. You go on ahead. I'm not\nfinished taking this in.\n\nOh, Jerry look ... Merv Griffin's cigar.\n\nJERRY\n(moans)\n\n(In George's car)\n\nGEORGE\nYou know I uh, spilled a yohgurt smoothie\nin here two days ago. Can't smell anything,\ncan\n\ny'a?\n\nMIRANDA\nBanana?\n\nGEORGE\nRight.\n\nMIRANDA\nGeorge watch out for those pigeons.\n\nGEORGE\nOh they'll get out of the way. You really\nsmell banana?\n\n(George hits the pigeons.)\n\nMIRANDA\nOh my God. Oh.\n\nGEORGE\nSo uh where are we eating?\n\n(Celia's apartment)\n\nJERRY\nAnd it was his idea to put a sprig of\nparsley on the plate.\n\nCELIA\nYou're making this up. There was never\na Joseph Garnish.\n\nJERRY\nWow!\n\nCELIA\nOh yeah the toys.\n\nJERRY\nWhere did you get all these?\n\nCELIA\nMy dad was a collector. I inherited\nthem after he died from a long and painful\nbout ...\n\nJERRY\nSuper bowl! Hey, an original G. I. Joe.\nWith a full frogman suit.\n\nCELIA\nJerry, what are you doing?\n\nJERRY\nI'm putting this on him and we're going\nto the sink.\n\nCELIA\nNo Jerry. They're priceless. They've\nnever been played with.\n\nJERRY\nI just want to touch them a little.\n\nCELIA\nI said no. Now come here.\n\n(Peterman's)\n\nLOU\nHi I'm Lou Filerman. I'm new here.\n\nELAINE\nHey Walter what is the deal with that\nguy?\n\nWALTER\nOh he's Lou Filerman. He's new here.\nHey your coffee stain looks like Fidel\nCastro.\n\nELAINE\nYou've been an enormous help.\n\n(Monk's)\n\nJERRY\nYou ran over some pigeons? How many?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat ever they had. Miranda thinks I'm\na butcher but it's not my fault is it?\nDon't we have a deal with the pigeons?\n\nJERRY\nOf course. We have a deal. They get\nout of the way of our cars, we look\nthe other way on the statue defecation.\n\nGEORGE\nRight! And these pigeons broke the deal.\nI will not accept the blame for this.\n\nJERRY\nSo Maranda's cooled on y'a?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm getting nothing.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, me neither.\n\nGEORGE\nReally? I thought you and Celia were\nsleeping together?\n\nJERRY\nOh, the sex is wild but she's got this\nincredible toy collection and she won't\nlet me near it!\n\n(Elaine enters)\n\nGEORGE\nI don't understand women.\n\nJERRY\nHere comes one.\n\nELAINE\nHey. What's going on?\n\nGEORGE\nHey (sees coffee marks) Art Garfunkle?\n\nELAINE\nNo, Castro.\n\nGEORGE\nRight.\n\nELAINE\nAll because of this creepy new guy at\nwork. He just - he just comes out of\nnowhere and he's right\n\nnext to you!\n\nJERRY\nSo he just sidles up?\n\nELAINE\nThat's right! He's a real sidler.\n\nJERRY\nMaybe you didn't see him.\n\nELAINE\nYou never see him. He sidled me again\nin my office. I was sitting there making\na cup of soup\n\nsinging that song from \"The Lion King\".\n\nJERRY\nHakuna Matata?\n\nELAINE\nI thought I was alone.\n\nJERRY\nThat doesn't make it right.\n\n(Outside Jerry's apartment door)\n\nJERRY\nSee, to me, the Hakuna Matata is not\nnearly as embarrassing as the cup of\nsoup ...\n\nELAINE\nWould you just let it go?\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Jerry! Come in here a sec! Hey!\n\nJERRY\nOh my God!\n\nKRAMER\nIt's the Merv Griffin set\n\nJERRY\nHow did you get this in here?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, you just bring it in sideways and\nhook it.\n\nJERRY\nSo where are you gonna sleep?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah ... backstage.\n\nELAINE\nPhew! This chair smells like garbage.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, well a lot of the stars from the\n70's - they were not as hygienic as\nthey appeared on TV\n\nyeah, you can take Mannix for example.\n\n(phone rings)\n\nJERRY\nI'm gonna get that.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right. Well, Jerry, we'd love to\nhave you back anytime( Jerry exits)\nWell, Elaine Benes!\n\nWell, it's great to have you! (Elaine suts down) Why, is it possible\nthat you are even more\n\nbeautiful than the last time I saw you?\n\nELAINE\n(giggles)\n\n( Central Park)\n\n(George runs at pigeons. They don't move for him)\n\nGEORGE\nWe had a deal!\n\n( Peterman's Office)\n\nELAINE\nMr. Peterman, here are these pages that\nyou wanted.\n\nPETERMAN\nOne moment. I'm reading the most fascinating\narticle on the most fascinating people\nof the\n\nyear. Annnnnd done. Oh, yes. I'm sorry I needed this so quickly.\nIt must have been an\n\nawful lot of work. Thank you very much, you two.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\n(Lou Filerman is standing behind her)\n\n( Kramer's Apartment)\n\nJERRY\nSo three dates and she still won't let\nme play with her toys.\n\nKRAMER\nThat's interesting. You know someone\nmentioned to me you were not very happy\nwith your toys growing up.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, that was me.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, that's right, right, right. And\nuh you mentioned that uh, you didn't\nget a G.I. Joe. You had.\n\nJERRY\nAn Army Pete.\n\nKRAMER\nRight.\n\nJERRY\nHe was made of wood and in the rain\nhe would swell up and then split.\n\nKRAMER\nAnd we all know how painful that can\nbe.\n\n(Elaine enters)\n\nELAINE\nJerry\n\nKRAMER\nOh, Elaine Benes. Well, this is quite\na thrill, yes. Come on sit down. Yes.\n\nELAINE\nWell, I'll tell ya, this sidler guy\nis really chapping my hide.\n\nKRAMER\nExcuse me yeah. We're talking ... this\nway.\n\nELAINE\nWell, he's getting credit for work I\ndid! He's gonna sidle me right out of\na job.\n\nKRAMER\nNow, for those of us who don't know,\nuh, sidling is what?\n\nELAINE\nKramer, what is wrong with you?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat do you mean?\n\nELAINE\nWell, for starters, you're looking at\nnote cards (to Jerry) I'm gonna have\nto give that guy a taste\n\nof his own medicine, so, I'm going to sidle the sidler.\n\nJERRY\nYou, sidle? You ... you stomp around\nlike a Clydesdale!\n\nELAINE\nNot with these honeys. ... Wrestling\nshoes!\n\nKRAMER\nOnly in New York. ... ha ha\n\nGEORGE\nJerry?\n\n(George enters)\n\nKRAMER\nOh! Well, ladies and gentlemen! It's\nour good friend, George Costanza! What\na surprise!\n\nYeah, sit, sit, sit.. Weeell!\n\nGEORGE\nWell, it happened again.\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened?\n\nKRAMER\ntut tut, I'll ask the questions. What\nhappened?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I just stomped some pigeons in\nthe park. They - they didn't move.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, let's change the subject.\nNow, uh you and Jerry dated for a while.\nTell us ... what\n\nwas that like? That was the wrong card.\n\nGEORGE\nI I don't get these birds! They're breaking\nthe deal. It's like the pigeons decided\nto ignore me!\n\nJERRY\nSo they're like everyone else.\n\nKRAMER\n(laughs too loudly) All right, let's\ntake a short break. .... Okay! We're\nback!\n\n(George's Car)\n\nGEORGE\nBoy that bank clock is eight minutes\noff.\n\nMIRANDA\nThen why don't you just run IT over\ntoo?\n\nGEORGE\nZing.\n\nMIRANDA\nGeorge, what are you doing?\n\nGEORGE\nDid you see that? That-that pigeon didn't\nmove! I had to swerve to get out of\nthe way! I saved\n\nthat pigeons life!\n\nMIRANDA\nWhat pigeon? You drove right onto that\nsquirrel. (leaves the car)\n\nGEORGE\nSquirrel? Well, we have no deal with\nTHEM!\n\n( Celia's Apartment)\n\n(Jerry tries to play with the toys)\n\nCELIA\nJerry! Those hands! They never stop!\n\nJERRY\nI'm sorry. You got any booze? Let's\nsay you and I get ripped!\n\nCELIA\nNo thanks. I have a headache. Can you\njust get me an aspirin?\n\nJERRY\nAll right. (Jerry checking in the medicine\ncabinet for bottles that say \"cause\ndrowsiness\")\n\n( Peterman's office)\n\nLOU\nHere's the new copy you wanted.\n\nPETERMAN\nAh, yes. Well this certainly looks like\na lot of words. In record time. I'm\nvery impressed ...\n\nwith both of you.\n\nELAINE\n(quietly standing behind Lou) Thank\nyou. ha ha\n\nPETERMAN\nUnfortunately, I am also disgusted.\nThis is incoherent dribble! This is\na total redo and I'm\n\nassuming I need it right away.\n\nELAINE\nWell, I guess we'll just (Lou has left)\nHey, just gimme that.\n\n( Celia's apartment)\n\nJERRY\n(playing with the toys while Celia is\nsleeping) Mission accomplished! Back\nto base, Joe.\n\n(Veterinarian's office)\n\nMIRANDA\nDoctor, is the squirrel going to live?\n\nDOCTOR\nThere's been massive trauma. We could\nof course try to save him but it would\nbe costly,\n\ndifficult and we'd have to send away for some special really\ntiny instruments.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, uh, are there any other options?\n\nDOCTOR\nWe could put him to sleep.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat might that cost?\n\nDOCTOR\nWell, it's by the pound. So ... about\n80 cents.\n\nGEORGE\nWell? (Miranda hits George) I was just\n- I'm curious, that's all. We, uh. we'd\nlike you to do\n\neverything possible.\n\nDOCTOR\nHe, um. he's not going to be the same,\nyou know?\n\nGEORGE\nyeah. yeah. I know.\n\n( Kramer's apartment)\n\nGEORGE\nSo they're flying the tiny instruments\nin from El Paso.\n\nKRAMER\nEl Paso? I spent a month there one night.\n\nNEWMAN\n(laughs)El Paso!\n\nJERRY\nWhat's he here for?\n\nKRAMER\nTo take some of the pressure off of\nme. So, Jerry, what's going on with\nyou? I understand\n\nthere's a young lady in your life. mmm\n\nJERRY\nWell, actually, it's kind of a funny\nstory because she has this amazing toy\ncollection and last night\n\nI finally got to play with them.\n\nKRAMER\nWell. It sounds like things are progressing.\nDo I hear wedding bells?\n\nNEWMAN\nAre you married right now?\n\nJERRY\nActually she doesn't even know about\nthe toys. I gave her the wrong kind\nof medicine and\n\nI guess she passed out!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat do you mean \"wrong kind of medicine\"?\n\nJERRY\nShe's even got that old Matel football\ngame that we love!\n\nGEORGE\nOh, come on! You gotta get me over there!\n\nKRAMER\nWait a minute, wait a minute! You mean\nto say that you drugged a woman so you\ncould take\n\nadvantage of her toys? Let's pause a moment. Jerry, now, what\nyou do with your personal\n\nlife is your business, but when you're on my set - you clean\nit up, mister!\n\nNEWMAN\nI told you he was a risk.\n\nJERRY\nOh, like he's not just carrying you!\nAnd has been for years!\n\nNEWMAN\nYeah? Well, you bombed! That story stunk\nworse than these chairs!\n\nKRAMER\nSmile, everyone! We're back!\n\n( Elaine's office)\n\nLOU\nYou wanted to see me, Elaine?\n\nELAINE\nYes, Lou. you've got a lot going for\nyou. You're, ... um ... you're spontaneous.\nYou're\n\nsymmetrical. You're, uh, ... you're very quick, aren't y'a?.\nIt's just that your...\n\nLOU\nMy dead tooth?\n\nELAINE\nNo. Your. (breathes)\n\nLOU\nMy breath?\n\nELAINE\nEechh.\n\nLOU\nWhat can I do?\n\nELAINE\nWell, you should never ever go anywhere\nwithout these. (Tic Tacs)\n\nLOU\nThanks, Elaine. You're such a super\nlady! (he clicks ans clicks now when\nhe walks)\n\n( Celia's apartment)\n\nGEORGE\nMore wine and turkey? (Pours Celia more\nwine)\n\nJERRY\nSo when I saw George on the street with\nan 18 pound turkey and a giant box of\nwine, I thought:\n\n... What a coincidence. We're just about to eat.\n\nCELIA\nWhat is that stuff in turkey that makes\nyou sleepy?\n\nJERRY AND GEORGE\nTriptaphen.\n\nJERRY\n... I think. Have some more wine.\n\nCELIA\nWhat video did you get?\n\nJERRY\nOh, George brought home movies of his\nboyhood trip to Michigan.\n\nGEORGE\nFour hours.\n\nJERRY\nMore heavy gravy?\n\n(Celia is sleeping )\n\nGEORGE\n(playing with toys) Yes! Touch down!\nYour turn, Jerry.\n\n( Kramer's apartment)\n\nNEWMAN\nLately, though, I've been, uh, - I've\nbeen buying the generic brand of waxed\nbeans. you know.\n\nI rip of the label. I can hardly tell the difference.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, we've officially bottomed out.\nWho's our next guest?\n\nNEWMAN\nWe've got no one!\n\nKRAMER\nWe need a new foreman. We should shut\ndown and re-tool.\n\n(pulls the plug and the show goes dark)\n\nNEWMAN\nWhat about a guest-host?\n\nKRAMER\nI'll pretend I didn't hear that.\n\n( Veterinarian's office)\n\nMIRANDA\nDoctor, how's the squirrel?\n\nGEORGE\nIs he dead?\n\nDOCTOR\nNo. Fortunately, the special tiny instruments\narrived just in time. Would you like\nto visit him?\n\nMIRANDA\nYes he would.\n\nDOCTOR\nYou have 30 minutes. (exits)\n\nGOERGE\nSo ... uh, squirrel.\n\n(Doctor enters)\n\nDOCTOR\nOne more thing Mister Costanza, we just\nneed to know what time you'll be picking\nhim up\n\ntomorrow.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's that?\n\nDOCTOR\nOh, we're discharging the squirrel.\nWe think he'll be better off at home.\n\nGEORGE\nHe has no home. He's a squirrel.\n\nDOCTOR\nYour home, Mister Costanza. Just make\nsure he gets his medicine six times\na day and keep his\n\ntail elevated. (exits)\n\n(Monk's)\n\nJERRY\nMaybe it'll be fun having a pet.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's not a pet! It's a wild invalid!\nAnd it knows that I tried to kill it.\nAs soon as it gets better, it's\n\ngonna gnaw my brain out in my sleep!\n\n(Kramer enters)\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, what are you doin' tomorrow?\nI want you to come by the set.\n\nJERRY\nWhat about my \"questionable material\"?\n\nKRAMER\nNope, we got a whole new format. Edgy,\nyouthful, plus ... we got Jim Fowler!\n\nJERRY\nJim Fowler? The animal guy from \"Wild\nKingdom\" is coming to your apartment?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I practically raised his kids.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's perfect! He's a zoo guy! He take's\ncare of animals. Can I bring the squirrel\nby?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat? Two animal acts on the same show?\nWhat is this, amateur hour? Look, George,\nI'm\n\nsorry, but maybe another time, all right? (exits)\n\nGEORGE\nI gotta get to Fowler. I know that he\nwould take this squirrel off my hands.\nIt's practically\n\nbionic!\n\n(Elaine enters)\n\nELAINE\nHey! ha ha Nice sidle, huh? Speaking\nof which I think I got that problem\nsolved.\n\nJERRY\nTic-Tacs worked?\n\nELAINE\nHe's a human maraca.\n\nGEORGE\nBoy, my knuckles are still cramped from\nthat football game.\n\nELAINE\nYou took him over to Celia's?\n\nJERRY\nWhat? It's a victimless crime.\n\nELAINE\nWhat about the woman who's been drugged\nand taken advantage of?\n\nJERRY\nOkay, one victim.\n\nELAINE\nI think it's unconscionable.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, last night, I found a whole Weeble\nVillage right behind the EZ Bake oven.\n\nELAINE\nEZ Bake oven?\n\n(Celia's apartment)\n\nELAINE\nWho wants cupcake?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, me, me, me, me, me!\n\nJERRY\nYou know, that batter is, like, 30 years\nold.\n\nFRANK\n(on TV) You step on it and it flushes.\n\nELAINE\nWhy is your father giving a tour of\na rest stop?\n\nESTELLE\n(on TV) Stop squirming.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, don't look. This is the part where\nthey change me.\n\nJERRY\nYou're like eight years old.\n\nESTELLE\n(on TV) Georgie.\n\nGEORGE\nI was seven and a half.\n\n( Elaine's office)\n\nPETERMAN\nThat noise. that's the noise.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nPETERMAN\nThat inferno rattling sound that has\nplagued me these past two days - and\nI could not find the\n\nsource. In my office, in the hallway. even in the men's room!\nShame on you, Elaine!\n\nELAINE\nNo, no, Mr. Peterman that wasn't me!\n\nPETERMAN\nThat reminds me of the Hatian Voodoo\nrattle torture! You haven't gone over\nto their side\n\nhave you?\n\nELAINE\nNo Mister Peterman.\n\nPETERMAN\nBecause, if I hear one more rattle -\njust one - your out on your can And\nif you are undead -\n\nI'll find out about that too. (Exits)\n\n(Coffee room)\n\nELAINE\nLou! In here! We have to talk.\n\nLOU\nOh, right.\n\nELAINE\n(Takes the Tic Tacs away from Lou) No,\nstop it! Bad voodoo. You gotta stop\nusing these.\n\nLOU\nWhy?\n\nELAINE\nBecause they're turning your teeth green?\n\nLOU\nI only buy the white ones.\n\nELAINE\nOkay ... well then your teeth are green\nfor a different reason. Just stop carrying\nthese, okay?\n\nJust ... just mouth wash.\n\nLOU\nI can't. It burns my cankers.\n\nELAINE\nBinacca?\n\nLOU\nAgain.\n\nELAINE\nRight, right, cankers. Um, I got it!\nChew gum!\n\nLOU\nI hate gum. The only guy I ever liked\ncame with the Mickey Mouse gumball machine.\nThey stopped\n\nmaking that about 20 years ago.\n\nELAINE\nWell, stinky, this is your lucky day.\n\n( Kramer's apartment)\n\nKRAMER\nOkay. a little later, we're gonna be\ntalking with animal expert Jim Fowler.\n\nFOWLER\nWhere are the cameras?\n\nKRAMER\nBut first, we're talking with Jerry.\nOkay, Jerry, uh, you drugged a woman\nin order to play with\n\nher toy collection. How do you feel about that?\n\nJERRY\nIt was great! I've done it a few more\ntime since then.\n\nKRAMER\nAnd she doesn't know anything about\nthis?\n\nJERRY\nNo, not a thing.\n\nNEWMAN\nlaughs\n\nKRAMER\nWell, Jerry, we have a little surprise\nfor you! Come on out, Celia!\n\nCELIA\nWhat kind of a sick twisted creep are\nyou?\n\nNEWMAN AND KRAMER\nWoah.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is this? What is she doing here?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's the new format. Scandals and Animals.\nGo with it.\n\nCELIA\nIf you think you can drug me and play\nwith my toys, you got another thing\ncoming, buddy!\n\nNEWMAN\nGo girl!\n\nJERRY\nWell, what kind of woman drinks a whole\nbox of wine?\n\nNEWMAN AND KRAMER\nOhhh!\n\n(George enters with the squirrel)\n\nGEORGE\nMister Fowler, I have a squirrel here\nthat is a miracle of modern science!\n\nKRAMER\nGeorge I told you we're booked!\n\nFOWLER\nCareful. Hawks and squirrels don't get\nalong together.\n\nKRAMER\nOhhh. another interesting confrontation.\nThis could be spicy. Yeah, George bring\nhim over.\n\nFOWLER\nNo, you idiot! Hawks eat squirrels!\n\nKRAMER\nAre we getting this?\n\n(Monk's)\n\nJERRY\nSo the whole set was destroyed?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, the squirrel kept scurrying and\nthe hawk kept clawing.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, at least we know the prosthetic\nsquirrel hips work ... sorry about the\nset.\n\nKRAMER\nI tell y'a it was a grind trying to\nfill 10 hours a week. I'm not sure I\nwas ready to have my own\n\ntalk show set.\n\nMIRANDA\nI got the nut bread, George. Let's go.\n(exits)\n\nJERRY\nSo the squirrel's gonna make it?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, he's in my bed. I'm sleeping on\nthe couch.\n\nJERRY\nSleeping on the couch? So you're...\n\nGEORGE\nStill getting nothing! So go ahead pigeons.\nLaugh it up. I'm getting in my car now\nand the last\n\nthink I heard ... we have NO DEAL!\n\n( Celia's )\n\nCELIA\nI'm glad you called, Elaine. I really\nneeded to talk to someone.\n\nELAINE\nOh well, hey, I dated Jerry too. I know\nwhat a monster he can be. More wine\nand turkey?\n\nCELIA\nWho's he? (Lou)\n\nELAINE\nOh, he's nobody. Hey, listen, ... let\nme top that off for y'a.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Slicer.html",
    "text": "THE SLICER\n\nWritten by\n\nDarin Henry, Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin\n\n(Elaine wakes up in bed with Jerry.)\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nMorning.\n\nELAINE\nLook, this is crazy, I can't go on like\nthis.\n\nJERRY\nBut why?\n\nELAINE\nI need some space.\n\n(Elaine turns to the other side and there's George.)\n\nGEORGE\nDoes that mean I have to go too?\n\nJERRY\nYou don't think she's just talking to\nme?\n\nGEORGE\nHey, shut up.\n\nJERRY\nYou shut up.\n\nELAINE\nI hate this.\n\n(Kramer pops out the covers.)\n\nKRAMER\nYou'll get used to it. It's like a grubby\nscrub.\n\nELAINE\nNo, I don't want this anymore.\n\nJERRY\nWe'll come to work with you.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd on your dates.\n\nJERRY\nAnd shopping.\n\nKRAMER\nAnd to the bathroom.\n\nELAINE\nI can't breath...I'm sorry...(Elaine\nwakes up) You're killing me!\n\n30. She realizes, that alarm comes from\nnext door.)\n\nELAINE\n(Banging the wall) Turn your alarm off!!\n(Screams)\n\n(Mr. Kruger's office. Kruger is reading George's CV.)\n\nKRUGER\nYour background is impressive George,\nbut how does it apply to what we do\nhere, at Kruger Industrial Smoothing?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, at the Yankees it was all about\nsmoothing things over, you know, chiseling\naway, grinding down. In fact we used\nto call it 'the grind'.\n\nKRUGER\nIt says here that you worked at Play\nNow for four days?\n\nGEORGE\nThat should be 14, let me just...(corrects\nit with a pen.)\n\nKRUGER\nGeorge, I have to honest; I could go\neither way with you...but what the hell,\nwe need someone, huh.\n\nGEORGE\nYou won't regret this, sir.\n\nKRUGER\nI don't care. Let's find you an office.\n\nKruger's family and George on the background.)\n\n(Monk's cafe. Jerry, George and Kramer.)\n\nGEORGE\n...and then when I saw the photo I remembered\nwhere I'd seen him; the boom box incident.\n\nJERRY\nThe boom box incident?\n\nGEORGE\nSummer of '89 I'm at the beach. This\nfamily sits up next to me. I go in to\nthe surfs and when I come from out,\nmy clothes, my towel, my umbrella, they're\nall gone. I am furious, I start screaming\nto these kids demanding my stuff back\nand finally I lose it; I grab their\nboom box and I chuck it in to the ocean.\n\nJERRY\nSeems reasonable.\n\nGEORGE\nThen I see my clothes floating out there.\nThe tied took them out, not the kids.\n\nJERRY\nEven more reasonable.\n\nGEORGE\nSo now, the father is screaming at me,\nhe's demanding that I pay for the boom\nbox. Finally, I gave them a fake address\nand got the hell out of there.\n\nJERRY\nAnd that guy is your new boss?\n\nGEORGE\nUntil that stupid photo jogs his memory.\n\nKRAMER\nKruger? That's not Kruger Industrial\nSmoothing, is it?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\nGrinders, sanders, wet stones. They\nare the ones who botched the Statue\nof Liberty job.\n\nJERRY\nRight, they couldn't get the green stuff\noff.\n\nGEORGE\nIt is a horrible company. There's no\nmanagement what so ever. I could go\nhog wild in there.\n\nKRAMER\nYou now what you do? You sneak that\nphoto out of there for couple of days\nand get it air brushed.\n\nGEORGE\nLike retouched.\n\nKRAMER\nYou remember that photo of me and Gerald\nFord and I took it in. Got that Ford\nright out of there.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, this is good. This Kruger guy is\nclueless. I can't wait to work for him.\n\n(George leaves. Kramer tries to eat a sandwich and it brakes\nin to his hands.)\n\nKRAMER\nLook at this. This sandwich is terrible.\nEverywhere you go, they give you this\nmisshaped shardy meat. Look at this...\n\n(Kramer tosses Jerry's sandwich around.)\n\nKRAMER\nI haven't had a decent sandwich in 13\nyears.\n\nJERRY\nNeither have I.\n\n(5A. Kramer is slicing meat with a meat slicer. Jerry comes in.)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, our meat problems are solved.\n\nJERRY\nWhere did you get this thing?\n\nKRAMER\nI traded it to my sausage press. Look\nhow thin that is, see that's all surface\narea. The taste has nowhere to hide.\n\n(Elaine comes in.)\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, spice. (gives Elaine a piece of\nmeat.) Welcome to flavor country.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, that's pretty good.\n\nJERRY\nHey, I got a date with that doctor you\nmet.\n\nELAINE\nSara Sitarides?\n\nJERRY\nMmhu.\n\nELAINE\nOh...(falls in to the sofa.)\n\nJERRY\nWhat's with you?\n\nELAINE\nYou remember that next door neighbor\nof mine, the apartment that always smells\nlike potatoes?\n\nJERRY\nYour whole building smells like potatoes.\n\nELAINE\nThis jackass goes to Paris, leaves the\nalarm on. It's been beeping since 3:30\nthis morning.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, that happened to Lomez, so\nhe blew his neighbor's circuit.\n\nELAINE\nHow do you do that?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah well, that's easy. Just let me\nfinish this mile high and I'll be right\nwith you. Oh, and Jerry, we are gonna\nneed a case of Kaiser rolls.\n\nJERRY\nI think we might have one left in the\nstock room.\n\n(Kramer looks lost.)\n\n(Elaine's building. Elaine and Kramer.)\n\nKRAMER\nThis hallway smells like potatoes.\n\nELAINE\nI know, I know, this is it. (points\nto a door.)\n\nKRAMER\nOk, oh, you see this socket it's probably\nconnected to her apartment. So what\nwe'll do, we'll take this paper clip\nand bend it so it'll short out the entire\ncircuit. Here you go...\n\nELAINE\nI think I'll let you do it.\n\nKRAMER\nNo no no. It's easy, you just...do it\nquickly.\n\nELAINE\nNo, I really don't want to.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I don't want to either.\n\nELAINE\nI thought you had done this before.\n\nKRAMER\nIt's just...it's no picnic.\n\nELAINE\nWell, how are we gonna do it?\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, fine fine, I'll do it.\n\n(Kramer moisturizes the paper clip in his mouth and sticks it\nto the power socket. Electric buzz and Kramer twitches on the\nfloor. The lights go off.)\n\nKRAMER\nOh mama.\n\nELAINE\nAre you okay?\n\nKRAMER\nI will lose that nail.\n\n(Monk's cafe. Jerry and Dr. Sara Sitarides.)\n\nSARA\nI enjoy the challenge of medicine. Naturally\nyou have no idea what it's like to have\nsomeone's life depending on you.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I have this neighbor...\n\nSARA\nA joke. Do you have any idea how it\nfeels like to save someone's life?\n\nJERRY\nIs it anything like hitting a home run\nin softball?\n\nSARA\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nCause I hit a whopper last week!\n\n(Flash Foto. George is picking up the photo.)\n\nCLERK\nHere you go, airbrushed in to sand and\nsky.\n\n(George looks at the picture and he is still there, but Kruger\nisn't.)\n\nGEORGE\nWhat did you do here? You took out the\nwrong guy.\n\nCLERK\nI thought you said you wanted to be\nout?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I'm still here. You took out the\nother guy!\n\nCLERK\nYou've really lost a lot of hair.\n\nGEORGE\nI am aware!\n\n(Elaine's apartment. She is reading a catalog on her bed.)\n\nELAINE THINKING\nHmm, the world's best pizza cutter.\n76 bucks, how often do I make...oh,\nI've gotta buy a book.\n\n(She hears a loud cat meowing next door.)\n\nELAINE\nThe cat.\n\n(5A, Jerry, George and Kramer.)\n\nJERRY\nHe took out Kruger?\n\nGEORGE\nI just pray Kruger doesn't realize that\nit's gone until this guy can fix it\nup.\n\n(Kramer cuts meat wearing a white coat.)\n\nKRAMER\nThis slicer is indomitable.\n\nJERRY\nWhere did you get that butcher's coat?\n\nKRAMER\nYou buy enough meat, they'll give you\nanything.\n\n(Elaine comes in.)\n\nELAINE\nKramer, my neighbor has a cat. When\nyou blew the power, we must've shut\noff the automatic feeder.\n\nKRAMER\nSee, that's the same thing that happened\nto Lomez.\n\nELAINE\nWhat did he do about it?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, he moved to a hotel and the cat\neventually died.\n\nELAINE\nWell, this meowing is absolutely worst\nthan the alarm.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, that's a prickly one.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, how's the doctor date?\n\nJERRY\nEh, died on the table. Just spent hour\nand a half making me feel, if I don't\nsave lives, I'm worthless.\n\nELAINE\nWell, she's very focused. Dermatology\nis her life.\n\nJERRY\nDermatology?\n\nELAINE\nYes, she's a dermatologist.\n\nJERRY\nSaving lives? The whole profession is;\neh, just put some aloe on it.\n\nKRAMER\nThe slicer! Elaine, let's go.\n\nELAINE\nWhere are we going?\n\nKRAMER\nThe cat. Just grab that meat and let's\nride.\n\n(Elaine and Kramer leave.)\n\nGEORGE\nWhen are you going on your next date\nwith her?\n\nJERRY\nOh, what's the point?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat, you're gonna pass up a wonderful\nopportunity to put that aloe pusher\nin her place?\n\nJERRY\nRevenge date? That sound like you more\nthan me.\n\nGEORGE\nThis good be so sweet, Jerry. Saving\nlives? She's one step away working at\nthe clinique counter!\n\nJERRY\nDermatologist? Skin doesn't need a doctor!\n\nGEORGE\nOf course not! Wash it, dry it, move\non!\n\nJERRY\nYou're right. I'm gonna call her right\nnow and tell her off.\n\nGEORGE\nNo no no no no, this has to be carefully\norchestrated. You go to a fancy dinner,\nflowers...\n\nJERRY\nFlowers?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, you gotta do it classy (wipes\nhis mouth to his sweater.)\n\nJERRY\nSo, you've done this?\n\nGEORGE\nAlmost. Couldn't get the girl go out\nwith me the second time.\n\n(Elaine's hallway. Kramer and Elaine are sizing the space under\nthe door.)\n\nKRAMER\nI think we are looking half a millimeter.\n\nELAINE\nCan it cut that thin?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I've cut slices so thin, I couldn't\neven see them.\n\nELAINE\nHow did you know you cut it?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I guess I just assumed.\n\nELAINE\nHold on kitty, dinner's coming.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, that's a hall of famer.\n\nELAINE\nAlright, let's do it.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, here we go. Yeah, watch that\nbaby slide...(Puts a slice of meat under\nthe door.)\n\nELAINE\nCome on, come on kitty...(slice disappears)\nooh...how about that; it worked! Wow,\ncan I borrow that thing for a while?\n\nKRAMER\nOh no, I don't think so.\n\nELAINE\nWhy not?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you're not checked at on it.\n\nELAINE\nWhat do I have to know?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, where the meat goes?\n\nELAINE\nRight there.\n\nKRAMER\nWhere do you turn it on?\n\nELAINE\nRight there.\n\nKRAMER\nBut where does the meat go?\n\n(Jerry is on the revenge date with Sara.)\n\nSARA\nRestaurant, flowers...this is so nice.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I'm a classy guy. How's the life\nsaving business?\n\nSARA\nIt's fine.\n\nJERRY\nIt must take a really really big zit,\nto kill a man!\n\nSARA\nWhat is with you?\n\nJERRY\nYou call yourself a lifesaver. I call\nyou pimple popper MD!\n\n(A man comes to the table.)\n\nPARRY\nDr. Sitarides?\n\nSARA\nMr. Parry, how are you?\n\nPARRY\nI just wanted to thank you again for\nsaving my life.\n\nJERRY\nShe saved your life?\n\nPARRY\nI had skin cancer.\n\nJERRY\nSkin cancer! Damn.\n\n(Elaine's apartment. She is opening letters with the slicer and\ntalking on the phone.)\n\nELAINE\nYou were right Kramer, this slicer is\nabsolutely amazing...yeah, yeah...no\nno no I'll bring it by tonight...ok\nbye.\n\n(Walks off the couch.)\n\nELAINE\nThese heals are so uneven. (Watches\nthe slicer.)\n\n(Flash foto. George is picking up the photo.)\n\nCLERK\nHere you Mr. Costanza.\n\n(George looks at the photo. Mr. Kruger has been drawn in to the\npicture.)\n\nGEORGE\nWhat is this? This is a drawing.\n\nCLERK\nLooks real, doesn't it?\n\nGEORGE\nThis is a cartoon!\n\nCLERK\nHey, I had to draw that guy from memory.\nConsidering, I think that's damn good.\n\nGEORGE\nBut it's not a photograph, I need a\nphotograph!\n\nCLERK\nThen you better get a camera.\n\n(5A, George is showing Jerry the picture.)\n\nJERRY\nHe looks like a Peanuts character.\n\nGEORGE\nI know. The only way to fix it now,\nis to get a whole new photo of Kruger.\n\nJERRY\nYou can do that.\n\nGEORGE\nWithout his shirt on.\n\nJERRY\nYou can't do that. Well, maybe Kruger\nwasn't the place for you.\n\nGEORGE\nIt seemed so disorganized.\n\nJERRY\nI understand.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about the Coast Guard? Seems like\na lot of pride there, a lot of tradition.\n\nJERRY\nTrue. You mean, for you?\n\nGEORGE\nI think.\n\nJERRY\nWhat about your sea sickness?\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe I could be a land guy.\n\nJERRY\nI don't know if they have land guys.\n\nGEORGE\nSomeone's have to unhook the boat before\nit leaves...the place!\n\n(Elaine comes in.)\n\nELAINE\nPliers?\n\nJERRY\nDrawer.\n\nELAINE\nGot it.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are they for?\n\nELAINE\nI...eh...I got a piece a my heal stuck\nin a slicer.\n\nJERRY\nCome again?\n\nELAINE\nOkay, I got a little slicer happy, but\nlisten; don't tell Kramer, okay? He\nhas very strong feelings for it.\n\nGEORGE\nI forgot to ask you; how did the revenge\ndate go?\n\nJERRY\nEh, it went okay.\n\nGEORGE\nDid you dressed nice, did you do it\nclassy?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I started out real classy...\n\nGEORGE\nYeah you did, you classed it up!\n\nJERRY\nBut then I found out about the skin\ncancer.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, so it backfired?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, I guess I was lucky that I never\ntried that myself.\n\nELAINE\nOf course she treats skin cancer. That's\nhow I met her, she was doing a skin\ncancer screening at Peterman. That's\nwhat dermatologists do.\n\nJERRY\nSadly, that knowledge could've help\nme.\n\nGEORGE\nWait a minute, she did a skin cancer\nscreening at Peterman?\n\nELAINE\nAha.\n\nGEORGE\nCould she do that at Kruger?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know, I guess.\n\nGEORGE\nSo I set up a screening, everyone takes\ntheir shirt off and click, I snap me\na shot of a bear-chested Kruger.\n\nELAINE\nYou have a little thing for this fella'?\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, you gotta talk to Sitarides.\n\nJERRY\nYesterday you said I had to get my revenge\non her!\n\nGEORGE\nAnd that was wrong, Jerry! You simple\nmust to apologize..\n\nJERRY\nMust I?\n\nGEORGE\nYes! Because it is the mature, adult\nthing to do.\n\nJERRY\nHow does that reflect me?\n\n(Kramer comes in.)\n\nKRAMER\nElaine, alright where's the SP2000?\nCause I gotta slice.\n\nELAINE\nAah, I forgot it. I gotta get home.\n\nKRAMER\nOk, I'll go with you.\n\nELAINE\nUmm, I'm not actually going straight\nto home, I have to first stop at the\neh...circus, you know with all the...clowns.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, well you have fun...(Elaine leaves)\noh no clowns...hate clowns...the clowns.\n\n(Jerry and Sara at Sara's office.)\n\nJERRY\nSo again, I'm sorry. I had no right\nto yell at you, you're a life saving\ndoctor and I'm just a comedian...\n\nSARA\nJerry, enough. I'll do your friend's\ncancer screening, because I believe\nin that, but as far as you and I are\nconcerned; it's off.\n\nJERRY\nWas it pimple popper MD?\n\nSARA\nThat's the one. (Taps Jerry on the cheek\nand leaves.)\n\nJERRY\nStill got it.\n\n(Elaine is trying to get the shoe heal off the slicer.)\n\nELAINE\nOut, damn heal!\n\n(Knock on the door.)\n\nKRAMER\nElaine?\n\nELAINE\nKramer?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah listen, I need my slicer back.\n\nELAINE\nJust hold on!\n\n(Elaine bangs the slicer to the door.)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, what's going on?\n\nELAINE\nNothing...(heal comes loose and Elaine\nopens the door.) Here, ok I'm on the\nphone alright? I'm on the phone with\nsomeone...\n\n(Elaine closes the door and Kramer checks the slices.)\n\nKRAMER\nMy blade is all dinged up. Oh, come\non! Elaine!\n\nELAINE\nPhone call! I'm in a big phone call!\n\nKRAMER\nCome on, this is important! (Shakes\nthe door handle and it comes loose.\nKramer falls backwards to the next door.)\n\nNEIGHBOR\nHey, get the hell out of here!\n\nKRAMER\nWow, that's a lot of potatoes.\n\n(5A. Jerry and Kramer.)\n\nKRAMER\nSo, George took my slicer down to Kruger\nand they're smoothing it out for me.\n\n(Jerry comes and shows Kramer his neck, which has red spots all\nover it.)\n\nJERRY\nWhat the hell is this?\n\nKRAMER\nBoy, that looks like an allergic reaction.\nHave you been wearing a fake beard?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, what have you been doing?\n\nJERRY\nNothing, I got up, run some errands,\nI went down to Sara's office and apologized...\n\nKRAMER\nWhoa whoa, backup, Dr. Sitarides, what\nhappened there?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I tried to apologise, it didn't\ngo over that well...\n\nKRAMER\nThere, there's your hives.\n\nJERRY\nWhat, she gave me hives?\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, as the Bible says; Thou who cureth,\ncan maketh ill.\n\nJERRY\nShe did kind of touch my face.\n\nKRAMER\nNow you listen to me, you've got to\nfind this woman and tell her that you're\nnot a test tube pin cushion.\n\nJERRY\nIt does itch. Maybe I will go down at\nKruger and talk to her.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, great, because I got to get\ndown there and pick up my blade. Hey,\nand I couldn't find that stock room.\n\n(Elaine tries to go to feed the cat, but door knob comes loose\nto her hand.)\n\nELAINE\nOh, that's fantastic.\n\n(Kruger's. George and Sara.)\n\nGEORGE\nI just talked to Mr. Kruger, he'll be\ndown in a minute. He wanted me to take\na photograph for the record.\n\nSARA\nWhat record?\n\nGEORGE\nHis personal file, I, I don't ask...\n\n(Jerry and Kramer walk in.)\n\nSARA\nJerry? What brings you here?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know, this? (Shows his neck\nto Sara.)\n\nSARA\nLooks like hives.\n\nJERRY\nWhere do you suppose that could've come\nfrom?\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, what are you doing...\n\nKRAMER\nHe is just setting the record straight.\n\nJERRY\nCome on Sitarides, cop to it. What brand\nof perverted science do you practice?\n\nSARA\nAre you suggesting I somehow I infected\nyou on purpose?\n\nJERRY\nI want the antidote, pimple popper!\n\nSARA\nThat's it, I'm out of here! You're insane.\n\nJERRY\nAm I? You touched my face. I didn't\nimagine that!\n\n(Sara leaves and Jerry goes after her.)\n\nGEORGE\nDr. Sitarides don't go! Oh, thanks Jerry!\n\n(Kruger comes to George and Kramer. Kramer is wearing the white\nbutcher's coat.)\n\nKRUGER\nHey George, hey Doc. We doing the screening\nhere?\n\nGEORGE\nAah, yeah, yeah. Won't you head on in,\nwe'll be in in a second. Be right with\nyou.\n\nKRAMER\nDoc, huh?\n\nGEORGE\nKramer, this is perfect. I need you\nto go in there, pretend you're a doctor\nand check this guy for moles.\n\nKRAMER\nMoles, yes. Freckle's ugly cousin.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd get a picture of him, with his shirt\noff.\n\nKRAMER\nYou really are cooking up a little scheme\nhere, aren't you?\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, lets get in there. Quick, quick,\nquick...\n\n(Elaine's bedroom. Cat is meowing next door.)\n\nELAINE\nThis is it. I can take this anymore.\n\nSlow Ride) and \"dances\" few little kicks.)\n\n(Kruger's. Kramer is examining Mr. Kruger.)\n\nKRAMER\nMale mammal. Approximately 30 to 60\nyears of age. Weight...uh indeterminate.\nOk, Mr. Kruger, we are gonna take a\nphoto now for the records. So if you'll\nstand up please and give me a big smile,\noh no no no, not that big. Yeah, that's\nnice, yes okay. Yes, let's have a looksee...ok,\nso eh, fiber from shirt on the left\nshoulder. I'm gonna have to keep my\non that.\n\nKRUGER\nHow long have you been doing this Dr.\nVan Nostrand?\n\nKRAMER\nUuh, long long time. Yes, I've seen\nmoles so big they have their own moles.\nFreckles that cover two men.\n\nKRUGER\nSo, how am I looking?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, so far, so good...(looks at Mr.\nKruger's shoulder) yeuye...\n\n(Kramer comes out to talk to George.)\n\nGEORGE\nKramer, I really owe you one.\n\nKRAMER\nGeorge, we got a problem.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, he's got a mole on his shoulder.\nVery suspicious.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, tell him you're concerned about\nit and he should see someone else.\n\nKRAMER\nGeorge, why would I, a Juilliard trained\ndermatologist, send him to another doctor?\n\nGEORGE\nBecause, you're not a dermatologist.\n\nKRAMER\nHe thinks I am. I'm not gonna betray\nthat trust. Here's what I wanna do;\nI think I can get a section...\n\nGEORGE\nWhoa, whoa, a section?!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, if I could crab my slicer and\nhe'd hold still...\n\nGEORGE\nNo, you're not taking a deli slicer\nto my boss...\n\nKRAMER\nIt'll be operative thing, he would barely\nfeel it.\n\nGEORGE\nNo! Absolutely Not!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, it's my medical opinion, that\nyou're making a big mistake. And it's\ngoing in my chart.\n\nIn-A-Gadda-Da-Vida))\n\nELAINE\nYeah, hello is this Allied Lock Smith?!\nOh, finally, listen I need someone to\ncome over here right away!\n\nNEIGHBOR\nTurn it off! Turn it off!\n\nELAINE\nI am getting a lock smith, alright?!\nRelax!\n\nNEIGHBOR\nAlright, that's it!\n\nELAINE\nYeah, the address is 78th West...\n\n(Electric buzz and lights go off and music stops.)\n\nNEIGHBOR\nOh, oh mama...\n\n(5A. Jerry and George.)\n\nJERRY\nSo, Kramer pulled it off?\n\nGEORGE\nYep, and the photo was all fixed and\nback on his desk, no thanks to you.\n\nJERRY\nWell, that woman had it coming to her.\nLook at my neck, it looks like I had\na beard of bees!\n\nGEORGE\nWhy don't you see someone about it?\n\nJERRY\nI've called everyone. You know how hard\nit is to get a dermatologist in this\ntown? (Kramer comes in) A real dermatologist.\n\nKRAMER\n(Points to a page on the book) Squamous\ncell carcinoma.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're not a doctor. You shouldn't even\nhave books like this.\n\nKRAMER\nGeorge, that's what he has and I have\nto give him a call. Now we gotta came\nclean.\n\nGEORGE\nYou can't tell him the truth, you're\ngonna blow the whole thing.\n\nKRAMER\nI don't want this on my conscience.\n\nGEORGE\nI'll get him to see a real doctor. You\njust stay away from this.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, alright...\n\nJERRY\nHey, I wonder if they have a picture\nof my rash in here.\n\nKRAMER\nThey've got everything there, Jerry.\nI underlined the best parts.\n\nJERRY\nHey, this looks like the thing I have.\nCaused by exposure to benzene, a common\ningredient in metal cleaners.\n\n(Kramer cleans the blade with some liquid and a towel.)\n\nKRAMER\nWell, that's weird.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you doing?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I'm cleaning my slicer.\n\nJERRY\nThat's my hand towel! I use that on\nmy face, hands and chest! That's where\nthe hives are coming from! It's not\nfrom Dr. Sitarides, it's from Dr. Van\nNostrand!\n\nKRAMER\nSo, somehow the Bronzo (?) is reacting\nto the poison she's giving you.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, get out. And take your Bronzo\nwith you (throws the bottle to Kramer.)\n\nKRAMER\nOhh, that's toxic. (Jerry throws the\ntowel over Kramer's head.) Ououou....\n\n(Kruger's office.)\n\nKRUGER\nGeorge, come in. I'm just going over\nour annual report...boy did we take\nit on the chin last year.\n\nGEORGE\nEh, listen Mr. Kruger, I got a message\nfrom Dr. Van Nostrand and he says it\nmight be wise to you to see another\ndoctor about that mole.\n\nKRUGER\nI'm not too worried about it.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, he said it could be cancer, maybe\nyou should get it checked out.\n\nKRUGER\nGeorge, take a look at this photo. This\nis taken 10 years ago. That mole looks\nexactly as it does today. So, there's\nno cause for concern, eh?\n\nGEORGE\nWhatever.\n\nKRUGER\nActually, funny thing about this photo.\nWe were at the beach and there was this\ndumb looking guy near by. When he went\nin for a swim, my sons and I took all\nhis stuff and threw it in the ocean!\nWhat a pear shaped loser.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, that pear shaped loser was me!\nAnd I was in that photo, until I broke\nin here, stole the photograph and airbrushed\nmyself out of there!\n\nKRUGER\nWell, I'll be...you have lost a lot\nof hair.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's what they tell me!\n\n(Jerry, George and Kramer are waiting for the lock smith at the\nhallway of Elaine's apartment. Kramer is feeding Elaine under\nthe door.)\n\nKRAMER\nDo you want more pastrami?\n\nELAINE\nUm, what was that last thing you gave\nme? That was pretty good.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, it was olive loaf. You want that?\n\nJERRY\nI can't believe Kruger didn't fire you\nafter all you did.\n\nGEORGE\nHe said he didn't care. Oh, God I love\nthat place. Hey, have you seen other\ndermatologist?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I finally got to see Dr. Kazarian.\nHe said it was really bad.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat did he give you for it.\n\nJERRY\nAloe. So where's that lock smith?\n\nGEORGE\nHave to give him time on this hour.\n\nELAINE\nCan I have a zip? (Sticks a straw out\nfrom keyhole.)\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah, coming up...\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Betrayal.html",
    "text": "THE BETRAYAL\n\nWritten by\n\nPeter Mehlman & David Mandel\n\n(Coffee shop. George, Elaine, and Jerry enter with suitcases.\nElaine has a large bandage on her nose. They all sit down at\na booth. All three of them are tired, fed up, and angered)\n\nGEORGE\nSo, Elaine, are you going to sleep with\nme or what?!\n\nELAINE\n(Aggravated) George, I just got off\na twenty-three hour plane ride. I'm\ntoo tired to even vomit at the thought.\n\nGEORGE\n(Angered) Fine. I'll ask you again when\nyou're rested.\n\nJERRY\n(Sarcastic) Oh, I'm sure she'll come\naround.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, I hope so. For your sake!\n\n(Kramer comes in and sits down at the booth with them)\n\nJERRY\n(To George) I said I was sorry.\n\nGEORGE\nYou can stuff you sorries in a sack,\nmister!\n\nJERRY\n(Nauseated at the saying) Would you\nplease stop saying that?!\n\nKRAMER\n(Confused) What's up with you two?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't want to talk about it.\n\nKRAMER\n(To Jerry) So how was the big trip?\n\nJERRY\nI don't want to talk about it!\n\nKRAMER\n(Observing Elaine's bandaged nose) Well,\nwhat happened to your nose?\n\nELAINE\nI don't want to talk ab-ow!-t it! (She\nwinces under the pain from her nose\non the word 'about')\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you gotta give me something! Come\non, how was the wedding? Was the bride\nradiant?\n\nELAINE\nShe.. was.\n\nJERRY\n'Till she found out Elaine slept with\nthe groom.\n\nKRAMER\n(Interested) Ooohh.. That sounds juicy.\nListen, I gotta go to the bathroom,\nbut I want to hear all about it. (Gets\nup and heads for the bathroom)\n\nGEORGE\n(While skimming a Monk's menu) You know,\nI didn't go to the bathroom the entire\ntime we were in India.\n\nJERRY\nI can't believe we went all the way\nto India for a wedding!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nIndia)\n\n\"ONE DAY EARLIER\" People storm out of\na building. All are dressed in wedding\napparel)\n\nSUE ELLEN\nThat's it! The wedding's off.\n\nPINTER\nWhat? But, Sue Ellen-\n\nSUE ELLEN\n(Cutting him off. To Elaine) Elaine,\nyou were my maid of honor and you slept\nwith MY Pinter?!\n\nELAINE\nNo, no, no! It was years ago - before\nyou met him. And, and I got to tell\nyou.. it was very mechanical.\n\nSUE ELLEN\nI have never been so humiliated!\n\nELAINE\n(To Jerry and George) Idiots! This is\nall yoru fault!\n\nGEORGE\n(While pointing at Jerry) Not me! Him!\nHis fault! He betrayed me!\n\nJERRY\n(Pleading) George, I'm sorry..\n\nGEORGE\nYou can stuff your sorries in a sack,\nMister!\n\nJERRY\n(Confused) I don't know what that means.\n\nGEORGE\n(To his girlfriend) Alright, Nina, you\nhave to decide right now. Jerry or me?\n\nNINA\n(Casually) Alright.. Neither.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?! Well, what are you doing here?\n\nNINA\nA free trip to India. And by the way,\nyou can take off those boots. Everyone\nknows you're five' six.\n\nGEORGE\nFive' eight! Five' seven!\n\nELAINE\n(To Sue Ellen) See? See the way they\nare?! We're - we're still best friends,\nright?\n\nSUE ELLEN\nNo. (Grabbing at the stud in Elaine's\nnose) And take that stupid thing out\nof your nose!\n\n(Elaine screams in pain as Sue Ellen pulls the stud out)\n\nJERRY\nThat's got to hurt, I don't care where\nyou're from!\n\nGEORGE\n(Whispering to Jerry) What time is our\nflight back? I got to go to the bathroom.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nA building in India)\n\n\"FIFTEEN MINUTES EARLIER\" The bride,\nSue Ellen, and the Groom, Pinter, are\nwalking down the aisle. Elaine is scattering\nflowers behind them. Jerry\n\nwalks in and takes a seat)\n\nELAINE\n(Whispering to Jerry) Hey.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nELAINE\nWhat happened last night?\n\nJERRY\nOh, you were pretty loaded.\n\nELAINE\n(Gesturing to her nose stud) I know.\nI woke up with this.\n\nJERRY\nOh. Hello, Tetanus.\n\n(Scene cuts to Nina and George entering the wedding hall)\n\nNINA\nGeorge, I've used the bathroom. It's\nfine.\n\nGEORGE\n(Struggling) No, no, no, no. I can walk\nit off. It's a hundred and twenty degrees\nin here.. I'll sweat it out.\n\nELAINE\n(Seeing George, she walks over to greet\nhim) Hey. (Looking at his shoes) Are\nthose Timberlands painted black?\n\nGEORGE\n(Looking at her nose) Is your nose pierced?\n\nELAINE\n(Embarrassed) I should.. (Walks tward\nthe bride and groom)\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. (Points to two open seats in front\nof Jerry's. To Nina) Sit down there.\n(Sees Jerry in the crowd) Hello, Jerry.\n(Obviously angered at Jerry) I\n\nbelieve you know Nina.\n\nJERRY\n(As George sits down) George, we need\nto talk.\n\nGEORGE\n(Trying to keep his voice down) I think\nyou've done a lot more than talk! You\nbetrayed me!\n\nJERRY\nAlright, I admit it. I slept with Nina,\nbut that's all.\n\nGEORGE\n(Outraged) \"That's all\"?! That's everything!\nI don't know what all the rest of it\nis for anyway!\n\nJERRY\n(Pleading) I'm really sorry.\n\nGEORGE\nYou can stuff your sorries in a sack,\nmister!\n\nJERRY\n(Confused) Where'd you get that one?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's an expression.\n\nELAINE\n(From the front of the room, she can\nhear George and Jerry's heated discussion)\nHey! Shhhhh! (Crosses herself, then\nshakes her head - apologizing)\n\nGEORGE\n(Trying to whisper to Jerry) Look, we\nare gonna settle this right now! I demand\nreparations! I should get to sleep with\nElaine. That's the only way to\n\npunish you!\n\nJERRY\nThat doesn't punish me. It punishes\nElaine! And cruelly, I might add.\n\nGEORGE\n(Losing it) Funny guy!\n\n(Elaine casually makes her way to Jerry and George)\n\nELAINE\nHey! Monkeys! Knock it off. My best\nfriend is trying to get married up here!\n\nGEORGE\nElaine, you have to sleep with me.\n\nELAINE\n(Definite) I'm not gonna sleep with\nyou.\n\nGEORGE\nReparations!\n\nELAINE\nWould you grow up, George?! What is\nthe difference? Nina slept with (Points\nto Jerry) him, he slept with me, I slept\nwith Pinter. Nobody cares! It's all\n\nancient history.\n\nGEORGE\n(Loud, so everyone at the wedding can\nhear) You slept with the groom?!\n\n(Everyone goes silent. George and Elaine both look sheepishly.\nAll eyes on them, expecially Sue Ellen)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nNew York street)\n\n\"FOUR HOURS EARLIER\" Kramer is standing\nup against a brick wall. All the sudden,\nhe's pegged straight in the face with\na snowball. He winces from\n\nthe pain and coldness, then walks up to his friend FDR - the\none who threw the snowball at him. He hugs him)\n\nKRAMER\nOh, thank you, FDR!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nThe Coffee shop)\n\n\"ONE HOUR EARLIER\" Kramer and FDR are\nboth holding a wishbone)\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, FDR.. This wish is for all\nthe marbles. You win, you get your wish\n- I drop dead. I win, I don't drop dead,\nand I get one-hundred percent\n\nanti-drop-dead protection. Forever.\n\nFDR\nAlright.\n\n(They each pull, it breaks. FDR won)\n\nKRAMER\nOh, man! Well, then, come on. There's\ngot to be something that'll change your\nmind, FDR. Something..\" (FDR lifts up\na cooler, and puts it on the table)\n\nWhat, you want my kidney? (FDR is smiling wickedly as he pulls\na snowball out of the cooler) Mama!..\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nJerry's room in India)\n\n\"THE NIGHT BEFORE, BACK IN INDIA\" Elaine\nis obviously drunk)\n\nELAINE\nGeorge knows that you slept with Nina.\nThat's why he was acting so weird.\n\nJERRY\nHow did he find out?\n\nELAINE\nHe schnapped me.\n\nJERRY\nYou know you're not supposed to drink\nwhil you're keeping a secret! (Elaine\nlaughs) Is there anything else?\n\nELAINE\nI can't tell you.\n\nJERRY\n(Handing her a small bottle) Here, drink\nthis.\n\nELAINE\nOkay. (Takes a drink) I slept with the\ngroom.\n\nJERRY\nPinter?\n\nELAINE\nHe used to be called Peter.\n\nJERRY\n(Making nothing of it) So? Who cares\nabout that?\n\nELAIEN\nSue Ellen! If she knew, she'd call off\nthe whole wedding.\n\nJERRY\nOh, nobody's calling off any weddings.\n(Elaine, at this point, has climbed\nonto the couch and is squirming around\n- she now has her backside to Jerry)\n\nAlright, it's time to go. Come on.. Up.\n\n(Elaine climbs onto Jerry's back)\n\nELAINE\nDo you know what 'Jerry' is in Indian?\n\nJERRY\n(Carrying her out, piggy-back style)\nNo, what?\n\nELAINE\n(Between laughs) Jugdish.\n\nJERRY\nYes, jugdish.\n\nELAINE\n(While sliding off Jerry onto the hallway\nfloor) Hey, what if I got my nose pierced?\nThat would be pretty freaky.. Oooohhhhaaa!\n\nJERRY\n(Trying to get rid of her) Yes, I think\nit's a fine idea. Well, good night.\n(Shuts the door)\n\n(Elaine peers through the blinds on Jerry's door)\n\nELAINE\n(Sticking her fingers through the blinds\n- waving at him) G'night, Jugdish. (Laughs)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nJerry's room, India)\n\n\"ONE HOUR EARLIER\" Jerry hands Elaine\na glass of Schnapps)\n\nJERRY\nBless you.\n\nELAINE\nThank you..\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nJerry's room, India)\n\n\"THREE SECONDS EARLIER\" Jerry's pouring\nElaine a glass of Schnapps. Elaine sneezes)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nNew York park)\n\n\"TWO HOURS EARLIER, NEW YORK\" Kramer\nis with hot-dog vender FDR)\n\nKRAMER\nWell, guess what, FDR? I made a wish\non a shooting star last night, and I\nwished against your wish.\n\nFDR\nThat's funny. As it happens, I saw the\nsame shooting star and double-wished\nyou to drop dead. (Hands Kramer some\ncoins) Here's your change.\n\n(Kramer walks over, and throws his coins in a nearby fountain)\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, I'm triple-wishing! Yep!\n\nFDR\n(Throwing four coins into the fountain)\nThen I'm quadruple-wishing!\n\nKRAMER\nAlright.. (Pulls out one of his eyebrows)\nHow do you like this? (Blows it away)\nYa!\n\nFDR\nI like it a lot. (Pulls out one of his\neyebrows) Ow! (Blows it away)\n\nKRAMER\n(Tears out another eyelash) Ah! (Blows\nit away)\n\nFDR\n(Doing the same) Oh! (Blows it away)\n\n(Kramer and FDR get into a frenzy - both ripping out their eyelashes)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nIndian Airport)\n\n\"THREE HOURS EARLIER, BACK IN INDIA\"\nElaine, Jerry, George, and Nina are\nall at the airport)\n\nELAINE\nOh, God, it's so hot! (Sniffing) What's\nthat smell?\n\nJERRY\n(Joking around) I think it's the stench\nof death.\n\nNINA\nGeorge, you've been wearing those boots\nsince I met you. You're not gonna wear\nthem to the wedding, are you?\n\nGEORGE\n(Laughing nervously) No.. I'm gonna\nwear black shoes.\n\nELAIEN\n(Sees her enemy, Sue Ellen, at the airport)\nOh boy. There's Sue Ellen. She didn't\nwant me at this wedding, but here I\nam with a buch of my idiot friends!\n\nJERRY\n(Giddy) This is gonna be great!\n\nSUE ELLEN\n(Walking up to the group) Elaine? Oh!\nOh, I am so happy to see you!\n\nELAINE\n(Confused by her reaction) You are?\n\nSUE ELLEN\nWell, of course! No one else was even\nwilling to come to India. I mean, not\neven Pinter's parents - and they're\nIndian.\n\nELAIEN\nCome on, Sue Ellen. You don't wear a\nbra, you're tall.. we hate each other!\n\nSUE ELLEN\nElaine, I know. I know we've had our\nproblems, but.. I want you to be my\nmaid of honor - and my best friend.\n\nELAINE\n(Toying with the idea) Huh.. alright.\nI guess.\n\nSUE ELLEN\nUh, this is my fiance, Pinter. (To Pinter)\nSay hello.\n\nPINTER\n(Walking up to them) Hello.\n\nELAINE\n(Recognizing him) Peter?\n\nSUE ELLEN\nUh, no. It's Pinter. Does anyone want\nto use the bathroom?\n\nGEORGE\n(Leading Nina out the airport) Oh, no.\nNo. We're good. Let's get goin'. Alright.\n(Almost bumps into Jerry) Watch it,\nfunny man. (Leaves)\n\nJERRY\nElaine, have you noticed George was\nacting strage the whole flight?\n\nELAINE\n(Acting equilly strange) No. What? Like\nwhat? What? Strange.. No. I..\n\nJERRY\n(Pulls a small bottle out of his pocket)\nUh-huh. Hey, look what they had on the\nplane. Schnapps.\n\nELAINE\nOoohh.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nJerry/Kramer's apartment building)\n\n\"THE NIGHT BEFORE, NEW YORK\" Kramer\nis on the roof of his apartment building\nlooking up at the stars)\n\nKRAME\nCome on.. Come on. Yes! (Sees a falling\nstar) There's one! (Yelling out) I wish\nI don't drop dead!!\n\nMAN\n(Off-screen) Hey, shut up up there!\n\nKRAMER\nYou shut up!\n\nMAN\nAw, drop dead!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nAirplane)\n\n\"FIVE HOURS EARLIER, SOMEWHERE BETWEEN\nNEW YORK AND INDIA\" Elaine, Jerry, George,\nand Nina are on the plane - India-bound.\n\nGeorge walks up to Jerry's seat)\n\nGEORGE\nHello, friend. Enjoying the flight?\n\nJERRY\nCoach to India - The only way to go.\n\nGEORGE\n(Heavily sarcastic. He's angered at\nJerry) Good one. Very funny. You're\nvery funny, Jerry. That's what I always\ntell people. (Yelling out) Jerry Seinfeld's\n\na funny guy!\n\nJERRY\nYou all right?\n\nGEORGE\nOf course I'm all right. I'm here with\nmy girl. Nina. And what better way to\npass the time than gabbing with my best\nfriend.. with whom there are no\n\nsecrets. (Flashes two intertwined fingers) Like this. Since the\nfourth grade.\n\nJERRY\n(Joking around) Hey, didn't I beat you\nup in the fourth grade?\n\nGEORGE\n(Yelling out to the whole coach) Funny\nguy! (Points to Jerry) Right here!\n\n(Scene cuts to Nina and Elaine)\n\nNINA\nBy the way, you never said anything\nto George about Jerry and me, did ya?\n\nELAINE\nOh please.. It's in the vault.\n\n(Camera stays on Elaine and Nina as we hear George yelling from\nthe front of the plane)\n\nGEORGE\nHo, ho! Jerry Seinfeld's a funny guy!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nThe Coffee shop)\n\n\"ONE DAY EARLIER\" Elaine and George\nare at Monks. Elaine is drunk)\n\nELAINE\nWatch this. (Puts the bottle of Schnapps\nin her mouth, flips her head up, drinking\nit, then puts it back down with her\nteeth. She is effected by that last\n\nDRINK\n) Oh.. God..\n\nGEORGE\nSo, Jerry and Nina, huh?\n\nELAINE\nOh, Mmm.. (Scoots up close to George)\nI'm not gonna tell you any more things..\n\nGEORGE\nBut you already told me everything.\n\nELAINE\nOkey-dokey.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nNewman's apartment)\n\n\"THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER\")\n\nKRAMER\nI mean, we had a deal, Newman. And you\nwere supposed to give my your birthday\nwish. And now you've wated it!\n\nNEWMAN\n(With a gorgeous woman sitting on his\nlap) Did I?\n\nWOMAN\nNewman, I'm bored.\n\nNEWMAN\nAww..\n\nKRAMER\nDoes your girlfriend have to be here?\n\nNEWMAN\n(Suggesting Jerry) Does yours?\n\nJERRY\n(Giving Newman a sour look) I'm just\nhanging out in this hell-hole because\nof George.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, come on, Newman. Now you gotta\nhelp me! What am I gonna do about FDR?\n\nWOMAN\nWhy don't you just make another wish?\n\nKRAMER\nAnd how am I gonna do that, Toots?\n\nWOMAN\nWhat about a shooting star?\n\nKRAMER\n(Interested) That's perfect..\n\nNEWMAN\n(Kissing the woman) Beauty.. and brains.\n\nJERRY\n(Disgusted. To the woman) Oh, come on.\nYou know he's a postman, don't ya?\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nJerry's apartment)\n\n\"FIFTEEN MINUTES EARLIER\" George enters\nJerry's apartment)\n\nGEORGE\nHey.\n\nELAINE\n(Handing George a ticket) Here. You're\ngoing to India with us tomarrow.\n\nGEORGE\nFor how long?\n\nELAINE\nThree days.\n\nGEORGE\nGreat. (Hugs Jerry) Jerry, I gotta tell\nyou, I had the best time with that Nina\nlast night. I - I think I'm in love\nwith her already. You are a great friend.\nA\n\ngreat, great friend.\n\n(Kramer leaves his apartment, entering the hallway)\n\nJERRY\n(Trying to change the subject away from\nNina) Hey, Kramer, what are you doing?\nYou want to borrow something? You want\nto eat something? Come on\n\nin!\n\nKRAMER\n(Shrugging Jerry off) Nah.\n\nELAINE\nYou want to go to India?\n\nKRAMER\nI can't. (Complaining) I'm gonna drop\ndead.\n\nGEORGE\nGreat! Nina could go, huh? Jerry, this\nis great. You and Elaine. Me and Nina..\n\nJERRY\n(As Kramer is walking in the direction\nof Newman's apartment) Hey, Kramer,\nwait up. I'll go with you.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm goin' to Newman's!\n\nJERRY\n(Eagerly following Kramer) Great, I\nlove Newman! (They both leave)\n\nGEORGE\n(Asking Elaine) Jerry seem a little\nweird when I mentioned Nina?\n\nELAINE\nNina? Nina? No. Psshhh.. Not weird.\nNo. Nina.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy do you keep saying Nina?\n\nELAIEN\nI don't know. Nina. Nina! (Feeling she's\nsaid to much, she goes to leave) I'm\ngonna go grab a bite.\n\nGEORGE\nUhh.. I'll meet you down there. (Elaine\nleaves. George instantly goes looking\nthrough Jerry's cabinet) Cereal, cereal..\n(Picks up a bottle) Peach schnapps.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nNYC Street)\n\n\"THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER\")\n\nKRAMER\n(Knocking on a port-a-potty door) Come\non, Lomez! We're gonna be late for the\nmovie.\n\n(Newman, with the woman he wished for, are riding in his car.\nHe stops at a stop light - right next to Kramer)\n\nNEWMAN\n(To his new girlfriend) You see, my\ndear, all certified mail is registered,\nbut registered mail is not necessarily\ncerified.\n\nWOMAN; I could listed to you talk about mail all day.\n\nKRAMER\nAnything you wish.. I'll tell you a\nlittle secret about zip codes: They're\nmeaningless! (Laughs evilly, driving\naway)\n\nKRAMER\nWish?! Newman!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nNewman's apartment)\n\n\"ONE DAY EARLIER\" It's Newman's birthday\nparty. His house is full of Postal co-workers)\n\nALL\n(Singing to Newman) ..And you smell\nlike one, too.\n\nPOSTMAN\nMake a wish, Newman! We've gotta get\nback to work in three hours!\n\n(Newman inhales, ready to blow the candles out. Kramer rushes\nin)\n\nKRAMER\nNewman, wait!\n\nNEWMAN\n(Sputtering loudly) Kramer! I'm with\npeople.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah. And thanks for inviting\nme!\n\nNEWMAN\nI did invite you.. Your invitation must've..\ngotten lost in the mail.\n\n(All postal workers burst out with laughter)\n\nKRAMER\nWell, Newman, I need your wish to protect\nme from FDR.\n\nNEWMAN\n(Refusing, Standing up) Can't do it.\nI'm on an unbelievable birthday-wish\nhot streak! My last five birthday wishes\ncame true.\n\nKRAMER\nCome on! Look, I'll give you my next\nbirthday wish, huh?\n\nNEWMAN\n(Negotiating) Your next.. fifty wishes.\n\nKRAMER\nForty-eight.\n\nNEWMAN\nFourty-nine.\n\nKRAMER\nDone!\n\nNEWMAN AND KRAMER\n(Toghether) Sucker..\n\n(Newman sits back down to his cake, where his co-workers are\nabout to slice it)\n\nNEWMAN\nAlright, alright, back, savages. Back!\nI haven't made my wish yet..\n\n(Newman starts to inhale again. This time, he sees a magazine\non the table - on the cover is a beautiful woman. Then blows\nout the candles)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nJerry's apartment)\n\n\"ONE DAY EARLIER\" Elaine enters)\n\nELAINE\nWell, this Mischke mish-mash is just\ngettin' worse.\n\nJERRY\nUh-huh.\n\nELAINE\nI talked with the groom's parents..\n\nJERRY\nMm-hmm. Mm-hmm..\n\nELAINE\n..And it's so obvious that they don't\nwant..\n\nJERRY\nUh-huh..\n\nELAINE\n..me to go.\n\nJERRY\nSure.\n\nELAINE\nSo, the only reason..\n\nJERRY\nUh-huh.\n\nELAINE\n..she sent me an invitation was that\nso I'd send her a gift.\n\nJERRY\nUh-huh.\n\nNINA\n(From Jerry's room) Jerry?\n\nJERRY\n(To Elaine) Uh, well, you know, a coffee\ngrinder is nice. Or a coffee maker.\nEveryone likes coffee. Anything to do\nwith coffee. Maybe you should go get\n\nsome coffee.\n\n(Nina enters the living room - sees Elaine)\n\nNINA\nOh. Hi.\n\nELAINE\nHi.\n\nNINA\n(Getting ready to leave) Oh, I should..\num..\n\nJERRY\nSure.\n\nELAINE\nBye.\n\nNINA\nBye-bye. (Leaves)\n\nELAINE\n(Gesturing back to the bedroom) Who\nelse ya got back there?\n\nJERRY\nLook, there was an awkward moment in\nthe conversation. It never happened\nbefore.\n\nELAINE\nYou slept with Nina? What are you gonna\ntell George?\n\nJERRY\nNothing. And neither will you. George\ncan never know about this.. It'll crush\nhim.\n\nELAINE\nUh. Alright, alright. I'll put it in\nthe vault.\n\nJERRY\nNo good. Too many people know the combination.\n\nELAINE\n(Confused) What combination? (Jerry\nmakes the \"drinky-drinky\" sign with\nhis hands) Don't be rediculous.\n\n(Jerry opens one of his kitchen drawers)\n\nJERRY\nOh my god. This drawer is filled with\nFruit Loops!\n\nELAINE\nSo what?\n\nJERRY\nAnd milk.\n\n(Scene cuts to \"THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER\" Kramer is in Jerry's\nkitchen. He spills his milk and cereal on the counter)\n\nKRAMER\nOh, geez..\n\nJERRY\n(From outside the apartment) Hello?\n\n(Kramer quickly opens a drawer and sweeps his mess into it with\nhis arm)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nPinter's parent's house)\n\n\"ONE HOUR EARLIER\" Elaine is at Pinter's\nparents house)\n\nELAINE\nHi. Mr. and Mrs. Ranawat?\n\nZUBIN\nPlease, call us Usha and Zubin.\n\nELAINE\nOh. Well, Usha..\n\nZUBIN\nI'm Zubin.\n\nELAINE\n(Shrugging it off) Anyway, your son\nis marrying my friend, Sue Ellen Mischke..\n\nUSHA\nYou're not going to the wedding, are\nyou?\n\nELAINE\nWell..\n\nUSHA\nDon't go. India is a dreadful, dreadful\nplace.\n\nZUBIN\nYou know, it's the only country that\nstill has the plague? I mean, the plague!\nPlease!\n\nUSHA\nHere's the registry. Send her a gift,\nand be glad you did not have to go.\n\nELAINE\n(Soaking it in) Right. Don't go. Send\na gift. I think I understand.\n\nZUBIN\nIf I had to go to India, I wouldn't\ngo to the bathroom the entire trip.\n\nELAINE\n(Leaving) That's fantastic.\n\nZUBIN\nAnd I'm not so crazy about Manhattan,\neither.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nJerry's apartment)\n\n\"THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER\" Jerry and Nina\nare in the kitchen)\n\nNINA\nOh, you were going to tell me all about\nGeorge.\n\nJERRY\nAh, just remember when you see him tomarrow\nnight to tell him that the waiter liked\nhim.\n\nNINA\nReally?\n\nJERRY\nBelieve me. You know, I forgot how much\nfun it is hanging out with you.\n\nNINA\nI know. You know, we never had a bad\nconversation.\n\nJERRY\nI know. No awkward pauses. Probably\nthe reason we never fooled around..\n\nNINA\nHeh.. yeah.\n\nJERRY\nProbably the reason..\n\n(They both stare at eachother, then, Jerry clears of the counter\nwith the sweep of his arm, Nina hops onto the counter, and they\nstart going at it)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nFDR's apartment building)\n\n\"ONE DAY EARLIER\" Kramer is standing\noutside FDR's door, talking to FDR.\nHe is finishing what was once a large\nlollipop)\n\nFDR\nAre - are you dense? I said I wanted\nyou to drop dead. Now.. drop dead! (Slams\nthe door in Kramer's face)\n\nKRAMER\n(Walking away) I knew it.. Stupid Jerry..\n\n(Scene cuts to \"TEN MINUTES EARLIER\" at Jerry's apartment. Jerry's\nat his door, talking with Kramer. Kramer's lollipop is slightly\nbigger)\n\nJERRY\nKramer, I know what I'm talking about.\nThere's no way FDR wants you to drop\ndead.\n\nKRAMER\nBut you haven't seen..\n\nJERRY\nJust go back and ask him again. (Slams\nthe door on Kramer)\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.. (Heads for FDR's)\n\n(Scene cuts to \"TEN MINUTES EARLIER\" at FDR's apartment. Kramer\nand FDR are talking at the door. Kramer's lollipop, of course,\nis larger than the scene\n\nbefore)\n\nFDR\nThat's right. My birthday wish was for\nyou to drop dead.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, why?\n\nFDR\n(Sinister) I have my reasons.\n\nKRAMER\nWoah, wait, wait, wait. If you make\na birthday wish out loud, it doesn't\ncome true.\n\nFDR\nThat's just a silly superstition. (Slams\nhis door on Kramer)\n\n(Scene cuts to \"TEN MINUTES EARLIER\" Kramer comes into Jerry's\napartment with a huge lollipop)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, FDR wants me to drop dead.\n\nGEORGE\nFDR?\n\nKRAMER\n(To George) Yeah, Franklin Delano Romanowski.\n(Resumes telling the story) I go to\nhis birthday part, and just before he\nblew out his candles, he gives\n\nme this look..\n\nGEORGE\n(Guessing the look) Stink eye?\n\nJERRY\n(Also guessing) Crook eye?\n\nKRAMER\n(Entroducing yet another type of look\nto the boys) EVIL eye.\n\nJERRY\nWell, everybody's a little cranky on\ntheir birthday..\n\nGEORGE\nOh, it's a bad day. Uh, you got everyone\nin your house, you're thinkin', \"These\nare my friends?!\"\n\nJERRY\n(Sarcasticly joking off what George\nsaid) Everyday is my birthday.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well, I can't have this hanging\nover my head. It's bad mojo.\n\n(Elaine opens the door, hitting Kramer)\n\nELAINE\nHi.\n\n(Kramer, still wheezing from the door, leaves)\n\nELAINE\nYou're not gonna believe what I got\nin the mail. An invitation to Sue Ellen\nMischke's wedding.\n\nJERRY\n(Joking about the bra-less wonder) Well,\nat least the wedding gown will give\nher some support.\n\nELAINE\nNot the point. The wedding is in one\nweek. I got this (Holds up invitation)\ntoday.\n\nJERRY\nSo you think it's a non-vite?\n\nELAINE\nIt's an un-vitation! (Notices George\nis a few inches higher) Hey, are you\ngettin' taller?\n\nGEORGE\n(Showing Elaine his boots) Timberlands.\n\nELAINE\nAh. (Looking at the invitation) Hey,\nlook at this. 'Pinter Ranawat'.. I wonder\nif he's related to that guy I dated,\nPeter Ranawat..\n\nJERRY\nAh, it's probably like Smith over there.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, would you make the call already?\n\nELAINE\nWhat call?\n\nJERRY\n(Picks up the phone, dialing Nina) He\nwants me to set him up with this girl,\nNina Stengal.\n\nELAINE\n(Remembers Jerry's talking about her)\nOh, the great conversation girl. (Somewhat\nbitter tward Jerry) The one you think\ncan replace me?\n\nJERRY\nI was kidding when I said that!\n\nGEORGE\n(To Elaine) Told me the same thing.\n\nJERRY\n(On the phone) Nina, Hi. It's Jerry.\n\nGEORGE\nYou-you sure you never slept with her?\n(Jerry shakes his head 'no') Perfect.\n\nJERRY\n(To Nina) Hey, how 'bout my friend,\nGeorge? Quite a guy, huh?\n\nGEORGE\n(Rubbing his stomach) Ooh.. Something's\nnot sitting right..\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nThe Coffee shop)\n\n\"ONE HOUR EARLIER\" George is ordering\nhis meal)\n\nGEORGE\nI'll have the clam casino.\n\nJERRY\nGet outta here.\n\nGEORGE\n(Showing Jerry the menu) \"Chef recommends\"\n\nJERRY\nHmm..\n\nGEORGE\n(Motioning tward waitress) I think she\nlikes me.\n\nJERRY\nSure.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, how come nothing ever happened between\nyou and Nina? (Getting paranoid) Is\nthere a problem with her? Is she a man?\n\nJERRY\nAre you?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, what's the reason?\n\nJERRY\nWe were too compatible.. Our conversations\nwere so engrossing.\n\nGEORGE\nHow engrossing?\n\nJERRY\nIf we ever had a problem with Elaine,\nwe could bring in Nina and not lose\na step.\n\nGEORGE\nWow! Heh. (Half kidding) You don't,\nhuh, have a replacement lined up for\nme, do ya?\n\n(Jerry snickers, then stares at George, smiling)\n\nJERRY\nAnyway, like I was saying, I couldn't\nmake the trasition from conversation\nto sex. There were no awkward pauses..\nI need an awkward pause.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm all for awkward pauses. Fix me up\nwith her.. Wait a minute, Nina just\nsaw me in my Timberlands! Now I have\nto wwear them every time I see her.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nGEORGE\nIn any othe shoe, I lose two inches.\nI - I can't have a drop down. We were\neye to eye, I can't go eye to chin!\n\nJERRY\nSo, you're gonna wear 'em no matter\nwhat the situation?\n\nGEORGE\nIn every situation. No matter how silly\nI look. (Tastes his meal) Hm.. tastes\na little funky.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I'm sure it's fine.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nFDR's apartment)\n\n\"THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER\" A group of\npeople are singing to FDR)\n\nALL\n..to you!\n\nMAN\nCome on, make a wish! Make a wish!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah!\n\n(FDR eyes Kramer evilly, blows out his candles, then gives Kramer\nthe same look. Kramer reacts nervously)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nNYC Street)\n\n\"TEN MINUTES EARLIER\" Jerry and George\nare walking down the street. The opening\ncredits start to show)\n\nGEORGE\nAh, this is the kind of day that almost\nmakes you feel good to be alive.\n\nJERRY\nAlmost. (Notices his shoes) Hey, new\nTimberlands?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, and a whole new me. I'm up two\ninches in these babies!\n\nJERRY\nReally?\n\nGEORGE\nFive' eight. Five' seven.\n\n(Jerry passes Nina, an old girlfriend)\n\nNINA\nJerry?\n\nJERRY\nNina?\n\nNINA\nHi.\n\nJERRY\nIt's been years!\n\nNINA\nYeah!\n\nJERRY\n(Introducing the two) George, this is\nNina.\n\nGEORGE\nNice to meet you.\n\nNINA\nNice to meet you, too.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nElaine's apartment building)\n\n\"THREE HOURS EARLIER\" Elaine's at her\nmailbox)\n\nELAINE\n(Reading an invitation) India? Yeah,\nright. (Sarcastic) I'm goin' to India..\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nThe Coffee shop)\n\n\"TWO YEARS EARLIER\" Jerry is sitting\nat a booth with Nina)\n\nNINA\nAnd they call it the World Wide Web.\nYou can e-mail anyone!\n\nJERRY\n(Mesmerized) What are you, a scientist?!\n\nNINA\nAh, I gotta go. (Gets up to leave)\n\nJERRY\nAh.\n\nNINA\nIt's great talkin'\n\nJERRY\nGreat talkin' to you. (Nina leaves.\nTo himself) What the hell is e-mail?\n\n(George and Susan enter and sit with Jerry)\n\nGEORGE\nHow as the date?\n\nJERRY\nPretty good. I think she might be the\none.\n\nSUSAN\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nWhooo.. (To a waitress taking orders)\nOoh.. French fries.\n\nSUSAN\nAh, George.\n\nGEORGE\n(Changing is order for Susan) Baked,\nuh, potato.\n\nSUSAN\nUh-huh.\n\nGEORGE\nSorry.\n\nSUSAN\nyeah, you stuff your sorries in a sack,\nmister.\n\n(Kramer runs into Monk's with a snowball)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, hey. Yeah, check it out. It's packin'\ntight! (Puts the snowball on the table,\nthen drips water from Jerry's cup onto\nit)\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you bringing snowballs in here\nfor?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I need some water. Ice it up nice\nand hard.. and when you throw it - Pop!\nOh look, (Looks out the Monk's windows)\nthere's my friend, FDR. I'm\n\ngonna nail him in the back of the head. It's gonna be great!\n(Rushes out of Monks to peg his friend with the snowball)\n\n(Elaine and Pinter (Peter) enter Monk's, and are greeted)\n\nJERRY\nHi, Elaine.\n\nGEORGE\nHey!\n\nELAINE\n(Turning around and leaving with Pinter)\nHey, let's go someplace else, Okay,\nPeter?\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nJerry's new apartment)\n\n\"ELEVEN YEARS EARLIER\" Jerry, carrying\na box, is moving in to his apartment\nfor the first time. He meets his across-the-hall\nneighbor, Kramer)\n\nKRAMER\nOh, hey, how you doing?\n\nJERRY\nOh, hi. I-I'm Jerry Seinfeld. I'm movin'\nin. I saw your name on the buzzer -\nYou must be Kessler.\n\nKRAMER\nUh, no. Actually, it's Kramer.\n\nJERRY\nOh.\n\nKRAMER\nUh, you need any help, or..?\n\nJERRY\nNo, thanks. But I ordered a pizza. You\nwant some of it?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, no, no, no. I couldn't impose.\n\nJERRY\nWhy not? We're neighbors. What's mine\nis yours. (And with that, Jerry made\nthe most fatal mistake of his life)\n\nKRAMER\n(Eyeing Jerry's empty apartment) Really?\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Apology.html",
    "text": "THE APOLOGY\n\nWritten by\n\nJennifer Crittenden\n\nJERRY,\nAny\n\nsecond now. Light is on! Melissa, waffles are ready.\n\nMELISSA,\nOh, fantastic! I'm starving.\n\nJERRY,\nHow about that.\n\nMELISSA,\nMmm-hmm.\n\nGEORGE\nShe ate breakfast naked?\n\nJERRY\nShe didn't even want a napkin.\n\nGEORGE\nI've had bedroom naked, I've had walk-to-the-bathroom\nnaked... I have never had living-room naked.\n\nJERRY\nOh, it's a scene.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's like you're livin' in the Playboy\nMansion! Did she, uh, did she frolic?\n\nJERRY\nI don't really have enough room.\n\nGEORGE,\nYeah. Hey, Lainie, Puddy.\n\nELAINE\nHey!\n\nPUDDY\nHi.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nPUDDY,\nI got to make a pit stop.\n\nELAINE,\n'Kay.\n\nJERRY\nBack together?\n\nELAINE\nHis apartment was being fumigated,\nso we thought we'd give it\nanother shot.\n\nJERRY\nAh...\n\nELAINE\nSo guess who called me last night?\nJason Hanke.\n\nGEORGE\n'Stanky Hanke'? What did he want?\n\nELAINE\nHe called to apologize for standing\nme up five years ago.\n\nJERRY\nWhy now?\n\nELAINE\nA.A. It's one of the Twelve Steps.\nStep number Nine is you have to\n\napologize to anyone you've ever wronged.\n\nGEORGE\nHo ho ho ho! I can't wait for Hanke\nto come crawling back to me.\n\nJERRY\nStill with the neck hole?\n\nGEORGE\nStill upset. Very upset.\n\nELAINE\nWhat neck hole?\n\nGEORGE\nRemember that New Year's party he threw\na few years ago? He had that\n\nvery drafty apartment, you know, I think on Ninth Avenue.\n\nGEORGE\nI asked if I could borrow a sweater.\n\nJERRY\nA cashmere sweater.\n\nGEORGE\nI said preferably cashmere, for warmth.\nSo in front of the whole\n\nparty, he says, 'No. I don't want you stretching out the neck\nhole.'\n\nELAINE\nHa ha ha ha ha ha ha!\n\nGEORGE\nOh, yeah, sure, laugh it up. Everybody\nelse did!\n\nELAINE\nWell, it's funny. I mean, you have\na big head. Or is it 'cause of\n\nyour neck?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I think the head does most of the\nstretching.\n\nGEORGE\nRegardless. I had to walk around for\nthe rest of the party in some\n\ncheap Metlife windbreaker. Now, it is payback time.\n\nELAINE\nI really think it's the size of your\nneck.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's my head!\n\nELAINE\nHa ha ha ha ha ha ha!\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nPEGGY\nHey.\n\nELAINE\nIsn't this great? With those nerds\nin accounting moved, you and I\n\nare the only ones who use this bathroom.\n\n(Elaine is surprised to see Peggy get a seat protector for the\ntoilet)\n\nKRAMER\nYou went to the coffee shop without\nme? I told ya, I just wanted to\n\nhop in the shower.\n\nJERRY\nThat was an hour ago. What were you\ndoing in there?\n\nKRAMER\nShowering. How long does it take you?\n\nJERRY\nTen minutes.\n\nKRAMER,\nTen minutes? That's\n\nkooky talk. Hey Elaine, how long do you spend in the shower?\n\nELAINE\nTen minutes.\n\nKRAMER\nLet me smell you.\n\nELAINE\nAll right. Whiff away.\n\nKRAMER,\nUh... that's not bad at all.\n\nELAINE,\nHup! That's it.\n\nKRAMER,\nOK.\n\nELAINE\nSo get this. I'm in the bathroom at\nwork today, and I see Peggy\n\nusing a seat protector.\n\nJERRY\nSo?\n\nELAINE\nSo... we're the only women on the floor.\nI mean, we're like\n\nroommates. Would-would you use a seat protector if you had a\nroommate?\n\nJERRY,\nI\n\nthink the damage is probably already done.\n\nJERRY,\nAll\n\nright! I'll get that. Well, maybe she just practices good hygiene.\n\nELAINE,\nYeah, you're\n\nprobably right. She's probably one of those neurotic clean freaks.\n\nJERRY\nMmm.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, here's my shower routine. Maybe\nI can make some changes. Get\n\nwash cloth mittens and maybe some liquid soap, and just... -pop-\nfocus!\n\nJERRY,\nZephyr? That is not a\n\nword.\n\nMELISSA\nDo you challenge?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I do not challenge.\n\nMELISSA\n66 points. Ha ha.\n\nJERRY\nI'd accuse you of cheating, but I don't\nknow where you'd hide the\n\ntiles.\n\nMELISSA\nYou want some more ice tea?\n\nJERRY\nSure.\n\nMELISSA,\nWrong\n\npipe.\n\nGEORGE,\nSo she coughed.\n\nJERRY\nCoughing... naked... It's a turn-off,\nman.\n\nGEORGE\nEverything goes with naked.\n\nJERRY\nWhen you cough, there are thousands\nof unseen muscles that suddenly\n\nspring into action. It's like watching that fat guy catch a cannonball\nin his\n\nstomach in slow motion.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, you spoiled, spoiled man. Do you\nnow how much mental energy I\n\nexpend just trying to picture women naked?\n\nJERRY\nBut the thing you don't realize is\nthat there's good naked and bad\n\nnaked. Naked hair brushing, good; naked crouching, bad. Hey,\nthere's Hanke.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. It's grovel time.\n\nHANKE\nHey, George. Jerry. Listen, I just\ngot sober, so I've been going\n\nthrough the Twelve Steps.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you up to now, uh, Step Nine?\n\nHANKE\nYeah. Making amends.\n\nGEORGE\nImportant step. Maybe the most important.\n\nHANKE\nAnyway, uh, Jerry, you know, this may\nsound dumb, but, you know, when\n\nwe first met I thought your name was Gary. And, I think I may\neven have\n\ncalled you Gary a couple of times, and... I don't know if you\nnoticed, but I\n\nalways felt bad about it, so, I'm sorry.\n\nJERRY\nThank you. I did notice, and I appreciate\nyou rectifying it.\n\nHANKE\n(eyeing George, who's looking expectedly\nup at him): Great. Great.\n\nWell, I'll see you guys later.\n\nKRAMER,\nWell, I just got out of a 27-minute\n\nshower. I made some good cuts, and I didn't lose anything I needed.\nYeah, I\n\nthink what I kept is even stronger now.\n\nJERRY,\nYou got some suds over here.\n\nKRAMER,\nWha...? Oh, man!\n\nGeez! Look at that! I'm all lathery. Jerry, you got to show me\nwhat I'm doing\n\nwrong.\n\nJERRY\nOh, come on!\n\nKRAMER\nNo, I mean it, man. I'm lost!\n\nJERRY\nYou promise you'll never come in here\nagain?\n\nKRAMER,\nOh, Jerry, you know I can't do that.\n\nJERRY,\nNow my sense of it is that you're probably\n\nwasting time working piecemeal, first cleaning one area, then\nanother.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, that's how cats do it.\n\nJERRY\nBut, when you have a faucet instead\nof a tongue, you want to use\n\ngravity.\n\nKRAMER\nOK. Let's turn the water on now.\n\nJERRY\nNo, I told you, it's just a dry run.\n\nGEORGE,\nWell, Hanke's moved on to Step Ten.\nHe\n\nwas spotted taking personal inventory.\n\nJERRY\nThat's Step Ten?\n\nGEORGE\nAll he has to do now is count his blessings,\nsay a prayer, and he's\n\ndone. Do you believe this?\n\nKRAMER\nCome on, Jerry. How about a-a baggy\nswimsuit?\n\nJERRY\nYou're not gettin' any skin, Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, this has all been one big tease!\n\nELAINE,\nThese\n\nproofs look pretty good. Oh. Can I move this? Yup. I think this\nwill work.\n\nPEGGY,\nI'm... gonna\n\nget another bottle of water.\n\nWALTER,\nHere, take mine.\n\nThere's a little left.\n\nPEGGY,\nOh, thanks, Walter. Ahh!\n\nHANKE,\nGuys, there's no doubt that the pay\n\nis good. But I don't just know if I see myself working with ice\ncream.\n\nMAN #1\nYou get pretty buff forearms.\n\nHANKE\nI don't know if I'm into that.\n\nGEORGE,\nOh, hello, Hanke, others.\n\nHANKE\nGeorge.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, Jason, I, uh, I couldn't\nhelp notice, I... I didn't get my\n\napology.\n\nHANKE\nApology? For what?\n\nGEORGE\nA drafty apartment? A... sweaterless\nfriend? A ball-game giveaway\n\nMetlife windbreaker?\n\nHANKE\nGeorge, come on, not that neck hole\nthing.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, the neck hole thing, and I would\nappreciate it if you would\n\nsay you're sorry.\n\nHANKE\nNo way, you would've completely stretched\nit out.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're an alcoholic! You have to apologize.\nStep Nine! Step Nine.\n\nHANKE\nAll right, George, all right. I'm sorry.\nI'm very, very sorry. I'm so\n\nsorry that I didn't want your rather bulbous head struggling\nto find its way\n\nthrough the normal-size neck hole of my finely knit sweater.\n\nKRAMER,\nNow see, that's smart.\n\nConstant motion. Wow.\n\nMAN IN SHOWER,\nHey!\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah, yeah, I-I'm watching you,\ntoo. But this guy's really\n\nshowing me something!\n\nKRAMER,\nYou got a\n\nsteak?\n\nJERRY\nWhat happened to you?\n\nKRAMER\nAh, people in this city are crazy.\n\nJERRY,\nHere ya go.\n\nKRAMER,\nThanks, buddy. Oh... yes! Hey, you\n\ngot any A1, 'cause I'm cooking a steak.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, a different one.\n\nJERRY,\nOh!\n\nKRAMER\nJerry!\n\nMELISSA,\nOK, Jerry. I fixed that bike.\n\nJERRY\nOh. That wasn't really necessary. I\ndon't ride it. It's just for\n\nshow.\n\nMELISSA,\nI should really clean those\n\nbearings. Hold this. Look at all that gunk.\n\nJERRY\nPlease don't crouch.\n\nMELISSA\nOuch! Caught my skin.\n\nJERRY\nOh, that's bad. Especially that area.\n\nMELISSA\nYou got anything to snack on?\n\nJERRY\nUhh...\n\nMELISSA,\nOh, pickles!\n\nUnnhhhh! It's a tough one.\n\nJERRY\nLook, please stop! Let me help you\nwith that!\n\nMELISSA,\nUnnnnh! Oooh. That's gonna leave a\nwelt.\n\nLook at that.\n\nJERRY,\nI can't. I can't look anymore. I-I-I've\nseen too\n\nmuch.\n\nELAINE\nPeggy, we've got to talk. What is it\nabout me that you find so\n\noffensive?\n\nPEGGY\nYou seem to be with a lot of men.\n\nELAINE\nWhat!? I happen to have a very steady\nboyfriend. You know, I mean,\n\nwe broke up a few times and there has been an occasional guy\nhere or... or\n\nthere, but, wh-why is this your business?\n\nPEGGY\nIt's not. Good day.\n\nElaine, (leaving the room after rubbing Peggy's keyboard on her\nbutt,\n\nright. You think I've got germs? I'll give you some germs. How\nabout some for\n\nyour keyboard, huh? Huh? Oooh, how about for your stapler. Hmmm?\nThat's good,\n\nisn't it? You have a happy and a healthy.\n\nJERRY\nWell, technically he did apologize.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, I felt like a straight man in\nsome horrible sketch. He was\n\nriffing! Riffing! On my pain!\n\nJERRY\nSo now you want an apology for the\napology, plus the original\n\napology?\n\nGEORGE\nThat's right. I'm two in the hole!\n\nJERRY\nWell, I hit the wall yesterday with\nLady Godiva. She did a full body\n\nflex on a pickle jar.\n\nGEORGE\nDid you explain to her about the good\nnaked and the bad naked?\n\nJERRY\nWhere am I gonna get a fat guy and\na cannonball?\n\nGEORGE\nWell... what if you showed up bad naked,\nhuh? You still got that\n\nbelt sander?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE,\nWell, you on all fours, that thing\n\nvibratin', kickin' up sawdust, ho ho! She'll get the picture!\n\nJERRY,\nHello?\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Jerry, guess where I'm calling\nfrom!\n\nJERRY\nWorld War I plane?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, I'm in my shower. Well, you know,\nI'm trying to get out of the\n\nshower sooner, and then I ask myself, 'Why?' I mean this is where\nI want to\n\nbe. So I got a waterproof phone, I shaved, I brushed my teeth,\nand now I\n\nordered a pair of chinos from J. Crew.\n\nJERRY\nWhen are ya gettin' out?\n\nKRAMER\nI'm not! I'll see ya later, buddy.\n\nPETERMAN\nBad news, people. Peggy is home sick.\n\nELAINE\nOh, please.\n\nPETERMAN\nShe's stuffed up, achy, and suffering\nfrom intense malaise.\n\nELAINE\nOh, come on, we all have intense malaise.\nRight?\n\nPETERMAN\nI just spoke with her, Elaine. She's\nin bed.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, let me tell you something: this\nis all in her mind, OK? She is\n\ninsane. She thinks I made her sick because I coughed on her doorknob,\nrubbed\n\nher stapler in my armpit, and put her keyboard on my butt. Yeah,\nshe's a\n\nwacko.\n\nGEORGE,\nSo you're Jason Hanke's supervisor?\n\nSPONSOR\nSponsor.\n\nGEORGE\nWhatever. Listen, I'm very concerned\nabout this guy.\n\nSPONSOR\nHe's doing very well. He's already\non to Step Ten.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, well when you don't actually\ndo the steps, you can go through\n\nthem pretty quick. You can get through six a day.\n\nSPONSOR\nIs there some unresolved issue between\nyou and Jason?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know. A little thing called\nStep Nine? Instead of an\n\napology, he was beboppin' and scattin' all over me.\n\nSPONSOR\nI'm not sure what you want me to do.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, aren't you the boss of him? You\nshouldn't let him move up!\n\nWhen I was in the Cub Scouts, I got stuck on Weebolos for three\nyears 'cause\n\nI kept losing the Pinewood Derby.\n\nSPONSOR\nYou're quite upset, George.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I think you should drop him down\nto Step Two.\n\nSPONSOR\nAdmit there's a higher power?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, let him chew on that for a while.\n\nSPONER\nYou know George, I think I can help\nyou. We're having a meeting\n\ntomorrow. Why don't you just come by?\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. That's more like it. Thank\nyou very much.\n\nGEORGE,\nBy the way, my\n\nuncle was an alcoholic, so...\n\nKRAMER,\nLomez, you're not listenin'. Jerry\n\nlikes the naked, just some of the things she does when she's\nnaked. Calm\n\ndown, I'm on your side. Geez. Hey, hold on a second. I got a\nclog, I'll call\n\nya back.\n\nMELISSA,\nWhat are you doing?\n\nJERRY,\nI found a rough spot on the kitchen\n\nfloor, I thought I'd polish it up with this belt sander I have\nhere.\n\nMELISSA\nNo, not that. Why are you naked?\n\nJERRY\nI thought naked is good.\n\nMELISSA,\nThis isn't good naked.\n\nSPONSOR,\nGeorge, here, have a seat.\n\nGEORGE,\nWhere's Hanke?\n\nSPONSOR,\nShhhhh.\n\nLEADER\nOK, let's get started. Welcome to Rage-aholics\nAnonymous.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat? Rate-aholics?\n\nSPONSOR\nGeorge, this can help you.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, I am not here for rage. I'm here\nfor revenge.\n\nLEADER\nExcuse me. We have a 'no yelling' policy\nat these meetings.\n\nGEORGE\nExcuse me. Am I talking to you, Pinhead?\nAm I?!\n\nLEADER\nPlease don't call me 'Pinhead'.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm losin' it!\n\nJERRY,\nHe took you to Rage-aholics? Why?\n\nGEORGE\nProbably because this whole Universe\nis against me!\n\nJERRY\nYou've got a little rage.\n\nGEORGE\nI know. And now they want me to bottle\nit up. It makes me so mad!\n\nJERRY\nBy the way, my bad naked demo didn't\nquite work.\n\nGEORGE\nThis bread has nuts in it!\n\nJERRY,\nOh, great. Elaine. What is wrong with\n\nmy body?\n\nELAINE\nChicken wing shoulder blades.\n\nJERRY\nThat's it?\n\nELAINE\nNo, but that's one problem. Why?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I was walking around naked in\nfront of Melissa the other day--\n\nELAINE\nWhoa! Walking around naked? Ahh...\nthat is not a good look for a\n\nman.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy not? It's a good look for a woman.\n\nELAINE\nWell, the female body is a... work\nof art. The male body is\n\nutilitarian, it's for gettin' around, like a jeep.\n\nJERRY\nSo you don't think it's attractive?\n\nELAINE\nIt's hideous. The hair, the... the\nlumpiness. It's simian.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, some women like it.\n\nELAINE\nHmm. Sickies.\n\nKRAMER,\nInstalling your\n\nClarkman garbage disposal. Dismantle latch hasp beneath main\ndrainage lot.\n\nOh, come on, Clarkman.\n\nPUDDY,\nPuddy.\n\nKRAMER\nIs, uh, David Puddy there?\n\nPUDDY\nThis is Puddy.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, this is Kramer.\n\nPUDDY\nI know.\n\nKRAMER\nUm, listen, you're a mechanic. Could\nyou help me install a garbage\n\ndisposal?\n\nPUDDY\nWell, it's a big job. You've got to\ndismantle the latch hasp from the\n\nauxiliary drainage line.\n\nKRAMER\nNo. It says 'main line'.\n\nPUDDY\nIt's a misprint. What do you got, a\nClarkman?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nthrough it.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, OK. Well, thanks, buddy.\n\nELAINE\nHey, Puddy.\n\nPUDDY\nHey, Babe, your boss called. You owe\nfive bucks for a balloon\n\nbouquet. Yeah, he says you can just give it to him tomorrow when\nyou see him.\n\nELAINE\nBalloon bouquet? For who?\n\nPUDDY\nPeggy took a turn for the worst.\n\nELAINE\nPeggy. Oh, great. I suppose she's still\nblaming me?\n\nPUDDY\nThat's what he said.\n\nELAINE\nI don't believe this woman.\n\nPUDDY\nTalk to me, Babe.\n\nELAINE\nShe's this crazy woman who is convinced\nthat my germs make her sick.\n\nPUDDY\nOh, germ-o-phobe. I know what that's\nabout.\n\nELAINE\nHuh?\n\nELAINE\nWhat is this symbol?\n\nPUDDY\nIt's a germ.\n\nPEGGY\nElaine, it was very nice of you to\nbring the man you're currently\n\nsleeping with over to talk to me, but I assure you, I don't have\nany problem\n\nwith germs.\n\nPUDDY\nDon't you? Elaine.\n\n(Elaine slowly creeps up towards Peggy)\n\nPUDDY\nI know it looks bleak. I've been there.\nTen years ago waking up in\n\nbed next to a woman like this would've sent me running for the\nPhisohex.\n\nPEGGY\nReally?\n\nPUDDY\nI still have trouble looking at those\ndisgusting old bedroom slippers\n\nshe slogs around in.\n\nELAINE\nHey, I've had those since college.\nThey're bunnies.\n\nPUDDY\nThey're bacteria traps.\n\nPEGGY\nSo you... just learned to live with\nit?\n\nPUDDY\nFor the most part.\n\nELAINE\nOK, we're broken up for the rest of\nthe day.\n\nJERRY\nSo I'm glad we had a talk and worked\nthis out. Don't you feel this is\n\nbetter?\n\nMELISSA\nThis is nice.\n\nJERRY\nYes, clothes. This is normal.\n\nMELISSA\nHey, what are you doing tomorrow? I\nwas thinking that we could go\n\ndown...\n\n(as Melissa continues to talk, Jerry starts imagining her gorgeously\nnaked,\n\nand stops paying attention)\n\nMELISSA\nJerry? Jerry, are you listening to\nme?\n\nJERRY\nOh... yeah. What? I'm sorry.\n\nMELISSA\nI wanted to know what you're doing\ntomorrow.\n\nJERRY\nOh, maybe a haircut, and, I don't know,\nmaybe a...\n\n(as Jerry continues to talk, Melissa starts imagining him disgustingly,\n\n'neanderthalishly' naked, and stops paying attention)\n\nKRAMER,\nSo you broke up?\n\nJERRY\nWe couldn't carry on a conversation.\nI kept trying to picture her\n\nnaked, she kept trying to not picture me naked.\n\nKRAMER\nHang on.\n\n(Kramer uses his shower garbage disposal to unclog the tub)\n\nJERRY\nSo what are you up to?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, just cooking up a little thank\nyou for Puddy. Hey, how do you\n\nmake those radish roses?\n\nJERRY\nInsert a knife into the center and\ntwist. Then, to make it bloom,\n\nsoak it in water for thirty to forty minutes.\n\nKRAMER\nNo problem there.\n\nHANKE,\nGeorge. Thanks for coming down to talk\n\nto me. I wanted to see you right away, but my hours here aren't\nvery\n\nflexible. I just started yesterday.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I'm here. What is it?\n\nHANKE\nWell, I talked to my sponsor, and,\nuh, I've thought it over, and, you\n\nknow, my apology at the coffee shop was sarcastic, and rude,\nand you deserve\n\nmuch better.\n\nHANKE\nYou're welcome.\n\nKID,\nCan I get a Triple Minute Man Mint?\n\nHANKE\nWaffle or sugar cone?\n\nGEORGE\nUh, excuse me, uh, um, Jason. I don't\nwant to get into a big thing\n\nhere, but... I'm not sure if, technically, what you just said\nwas actually an\n\napology.\n\nHANKE\nWhat?\n\nKID\nCan you get on that cone?\n\nHANKE\nWould you hang on just a second, son?\nGeorge, what are you talking\n\nabout?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, it's just, all you said was 'your\nwelcome', which is nice.\n\nIt's very nice. But... I feel I gotta get the apology.\n\nKID\nIs there anybody else here but you?\n\nHANKE\nI'm alone, and it's my second day.\nYou know, I don't even think we\n\nhave that flavor so... George, really, enough, ok? You know,\nI-I admitted I\n\nwas wrong, so what more do you want from me?\n\nGEORGE\nI would like an apology.\n\nHANKE\nAll right, look, you know--\n\nKID #2,\nDid you try it?\n\nKID\nNo, this guy doesn't know what he's\ndoing.\n\nHANKE\nOh, yes I do. Yes, I do. OK? I'm interacting\nwith someone here, if\n\nyou can understand that. Now, I'm sorry.\n\nGEORGE\nBaah! There it is! You just said it!\nThat's what I want! Now say it\n\nagain, and tell it to me.\n\nHANKE\nI'm not saying anything to you. I'm\nnot sorry. I was never sorry. It\n\nwas cashmere. I hate Step Nine! Where's that Rum Raisin? Where\nis it? Can't\n\nfind anything. I need a drink. Ah, daquiri ice. Here we go. What\nare you\n\nlooking at? Get out! Come on, can't you see we're closed?! Get\nout!\n\nELAINE,\nMmm. This food is\n\nFANTASTIC, PEGGY\nAnd what a pretty radish rose, huh?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, thank you.\n\nELAINE\nHere's to Peggy, on her first week\nof being germ-free, free.\n\n(all four make toast)\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. And here's to David Puddy for\nhelping me install a much needed\n\nand much appreciated garbage disposal in my bathtub.\n\n(all four make another toast)\n\nPEGGY\nYou have a garbage disposal in your\nbathtub?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah, and I use it all the time.\nYeah, I made this whole meal in\n\nthere.\n\nELAINE\nThis food was in the shower with you?\n\nKRAMER\nMm-hmm. I prepared it as I bathed.\n\n(Peggy, Elaine, and Puddy all gag and wretch)\n\nPUDDY\nOh, germs. Germs. Germs!\n\nGEORGE\nExcuse me. Is this, uh, Rage-aholics?\n\nGEORGE\nThanks. What are you guys doin' here?\n\nELAINE\nKramer.\n\nGEORGE\nRight.\n\nDownload Sound\n\nHANKE,\nHi, I'm, uh, Jason. I'm a\n\nrage-aholic.\n\nAUDIENCE\nHi, Jason.\n\nHANKE\nUh, this is my first meeting.\n\nGEORGE\nStep-skipper. That man is a step-skipper!\nHe skips Step Nine!\n\nHANKE\nPlease. Step Nine.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's right! He never apologized to\nme for saying that I would\n\nstretch out the neck hole of his sweater.\n\n(audience laughs)\n\nGEORGE\nIt wasn't funny.\n\nHANKE\nIt was a very nice sweater. Take a\nlook at his neck, not to mention\n\nthe melon sitting on top of it. I don't know if I'd trust him\nwith a v-neck.\n\nGEORGE\nHe's beboppin' and scattin', and I'm\nlosin' it!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Strike.html",
    "text": "THE STRIKE\n\nWritten by\n\nAlec Berg, Jeff Schaffer & Dan O'Keefe\n\n(Tim Whatley's apartment)\n\nELAINE\nSo.. Whatley's still Jewish, huh?\n\nJERRY\nOh, sure. Without the parents, it's\na breeze.\n\n(Elaine laughs, Whatley enters)\n\nTIM\nHey! Happy Chanukah!\n\nJERRY\nHey, Tim. Great party.\n\n(Tim holds up a mistletoe)\n\nTIM\n(Suggesting a kiss to Elaine) eh?\n\nELAINE\n(Shrugging it off) eh.\n\nTIM\n(Accepting) Oh. (Turns to George) Hey,\nGeorge, thanks again for getting me\nthose Yankee tickets.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, yeah. Still in good with the ground\ncrew. (Laghs)\n\nTIM\n(Notices a woman walking by) Oh, hey,\nlisten, I'd better circulate.. (moving\nover to the woman) Happy Chanukah, Tiffany!\n(they both move off camera)\n\nELAINE\nThis place is like Studio 54 with a\nmenorah.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm gonna get some more of these kosher\ncocktail franks.. (leaves)\n\nELAINE\nOh.. (sees a guy looking at her) I got\ndenim vest checking me out. (laughs)\nFake phone number's coming out tonight.\n\nJERRY\nYou have a standard fake?\n\nELAINE\nMm-hmm.\n\nJERRY\n(Notices an attractive woman walking\nby, starts to follow her) That's neat.\n\nELAINE\n(Holds onto Jerry's arm) No, please!\nDenim vest! He's smoothing it! Jerry!\nGod! (Jerry excapes Elaine's grasp,\nmoves over to the woman. The man\n\nwearing a denim vest moves over to Elaine.)\n\nDENIM VEST\nHi!\n\n(Scene cuts to Jerry talking to the woman)\n\nJERRY\nHi, I'm Jerry.\n\nWOMAN\nHi. JERRY: You might not know it to\nlook at me, but I can run really, really\nfast.\n\n(Scene cuts to Elaine)\n\nELAINE\nNice vest. I like the.. big metal buttons\n\nDENIM VEST\nThey're snaps. Listen, maybe we should,\nuh, go out some time?\n\nELAINE\nWhy don't I give you my phone number?\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nCoffee Shop)\n\n(George enters)\n\nGEORGE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey! How'd it go with the cocktail franks?\n\nGEORGE\nGreat! I ate the entire platter! Had\nto call in sick today.\n\nJERRY\nDidn't you call in sick yesterday?\n\nGEORGE\nHey, I work for Kruger Industrial Smoothing:\n\"We don't care, and it shows.\"\n\nJERRY\n(Notices George brought hhis mail) You're\ngonna open your mail here?\n\nGEORGE\nHey, at least I'm bringing something\nto this. (Starts flipping through envelopes,\nreads one ) \"Have you seen me?\" (Flicks\nit aside) Nope. (looks at next\n\nenvelope) Woah, something from Whatley.\n\nJERRY\nSee? You give, and you get.\n\nGEORGE\n(Reading the card from Whatley) \"This\nholiday season a donation has been made\nin your name to the Children's Alliance.\"?\n\nJERRY\nOh, that's nice.\n\nGEORGE\nI got him Yankee's tickets! He got me\na piece of paper saying \"I've given\nyour gift to someone else!\"\n\nJERRY\nTo a children's charity!\n\nGEORGE\nDon't you see how wrong that is?! Where's\nyour Christmas spirit? And eye for an\neye!\n\n(Elaine enters)\n\nELAINE\nHey!\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\n(Waitress moves tward the table)\n\nELAINE\n(To waitress) Oh, nothing for me. (Waitress\nleaves) I'm going to \"Atomic Sub\" later.\n\nJERRY\n\"Atomic Sub\"? Why are you eating there?\n\nELAINE\nI got a card, and they stamp it every\ntime I buy a sub. 24 stamps, and I become\na submarine (makes a gesture) captain.\n\nJERRY\nWhat does that mean?\n\nELAINE\n(Embarrassed) Free sub.\n\n(George lets out a depressed sigh while reading a card)\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nNothing. It's a card from my dad.\n\nELAINE\nWhat is it? (Grabs the card from George,\nhe tries to stop her, but fails. She\nreads it out loud.) \"Dear son, Happy\nFestivus.\" What is Festivus?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's nothing, stop it..\n\nJERRY\nWhen George was growing up..\n\nGEORGE\n(Interrupting) Jerry, No!\n\nJERRY\nHis father..\n\nGEORGE\nNo!\n\nJERRY\nHated all the commercial and religious\naspects of Christmas, so he made up\nhis own holiday.\n\nELAINE\nOhhhh.. and another piece of the puzzle\nfalls into place.\n\nGEORGE\n(pleading) Alright..\n\nJERRY\nAnd instead of a tree, didn't your father\nput up an aluminum pole?\n\n(Elaine starts laughing uncontrollably - and continues to do\nso)\n\nGEORGE\nJerry! Stop it!\n\nJERRY\nAnd weren't there a feats of strength\nthat always ended up with you crying?\n\n(Jerry joins in with Elaine's laughter)\n\nGEORGE\nI can't take it anymore! I'm going to\nwork! ARe you happy now?! (Gathers his\nthings, and runs out of the coffee shop.\nElaine and Jerry laugh hysterically)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nJerry's apartment)\n\n(Elaine is digging into her purse)\n\nELAINE\nOh, I can't believe it! I've lost my\n\"Atomic Sub\" card!.. Oh no! I bet I\nwrote that fake number on the back of\nit when I gave it to denim vest!\n\nJERRY\nSo?\n\nELAINE\nI've eaten 23 bad subs, I just need\n1 more! It's like a long, bad movie,\nbut you want to see the end of it!\n\nJERRY\nNo, you walk out.\n\nELAINE\nAlright, then, it's like a boring book,\nbut you gotta finish it.\n\nJERRY\nNo, you wait for the movie!\n\nELAINE\n(Irritated, and through clinched teeth)\nI want that free sub.\n\nJERRY\nYou don't need the card. High-end hoagie\noutfit like that, it's all computerized!\n(Snaps) They're cloning sheep now.\n\nKRAMER\n(Correcting) No, they're not cloning\nsheep. It's the same sheep! I saw Harry\nBlackstone do that trick with two goats\nand a handkerchief on the old Dean\n\nMartin show!\n\nJERRY\nSo, why don't you just try your blow-off\nnumber and see if he's called it?\n\nELAINE\nThat's a good idea.\n\n(Kramer's cordless phone rings, startling him. He digs through\nhis coat, and pulls it out of the pocket)\n\nKRAMER\n(Answering phone) Yeah, Go! Wha.. really?\nYeah, ok. Yeah! Bye. (Hangs up) Great\nnews! Yeah, the strike has been settled.\nI'm going back to work.\n\nJERRY\nWhat strike?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, H&H Bagels. That's where I worked.\n\nJERRY\nYou?\n\nELAINE\nWorked?\n\nJERRY\nBagels?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Look, see. I still have my business\ncard. (Pulls it out, hands it to Elaine)\nYeah, we've been on strike for 12 years.\n\nELAINE\nOh, I remember seeing those guys picketing\nout there, but I haven't seen them in\na long time.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well, H&H wouldn't let us use\ntheir bath room while we were picketing.\nIt put a cramp on our solidarity.\n\nELAINE\nWhat were your.. demands?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, 5.35 an hour. And that's what\nthey're paying now.\n\nELAINE\nI believe that's the new minimum wage.\n\nKRAMER\nNow you know who to thank for that!..\nAlright, I've got to go. (Heads for\nthe door)\n\nJERRY\nWhy didn't you ever mention this?\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, I didn't want you to know I was\nout of work. It's embarrassing! (Leaves)\n(Scene ends)\n\nH&H Bagel Shop)\n\n(Kramer walks through the door)\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, everybody! I'm back!\n\nMANAGER\nWho are you?\n\nKRAMER\nCosmo Kramer.. strikes over.\n\nMANAGER\nOh yeah! Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nHuh.. wha- Didn't any of the guys come\nback?\n\nMANAGER\nNO, I\"m sure they all got jobs.. like,\nten years ago.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, man. Makes you wonder what it was\nall for..\n\nMANAGER\nI could use someone for the holidays..\n\nKRAMER\nAlright! Toss me an apron, let's bagel!\n(Takes off his coat, puts it in the\ndisplay case, then turns to see a plate\nfull of bagels.) What are those?\n\nMANAGER\nThose are rasin bagels.\n\nKRAMER\n(Picks one up, he's mesmerized) I never\nthought I'd live to see that..\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nHorse Track Betting)\n\n(Elaine confronts two unattractive bookies)\n\nELAINE\nSo, anyway, I've been giving out your\nnumber as my standard fake.\n\nBOOKIE\nSo. You're Elaine Benes. We've been\ngetting calls fro you for 5 years.\n\nELAINE\nSo, listen, when this guy calls, if\nyou could just give him my real number..\n\nBOOKIE\n(Interrupting) Hey, Charlie! Guess who's\nhere. Elaine Benes.\n\n(Co-Worker in the back speaks up)\n\nCHARLIE\nElaine Benes?!\n\n(Various other men in the line behind Elaine say the same thing)\n\nBOOKIE\nYou make a lot of man friends. You know\nwho's a man? Charlie here, he's a man.\nYou know who else? Me. I'm a man.\n\nCHARLIE\n(faintly) I'm a man.\n\nELAINE\nOhh.. my..\n\nBOOKIE\nI'll have this best guy call your real\nnumber. You just, uh, give it to me.\nAnd that way, I'll have it. (Slides\na pad over to Elaine so she can write\nit down)\n\nELAINE\nMy number? Ohh.. (looks at Kramer's\nbusiness card) Okay.. Uh, well, there\nyou go. (writes H&H's number down) And,\nuh, tell you what.. (looks at the\n\nboard in the back) put a sawbuck on Captain Nemo in the third\nat Belmont.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nclassy restaurant)\n\n(Jerry and Tim Whatley meet)\n\nTIM\nHey, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHey, Tim.\n\nTIM\nWhat's up?\n\nJERRY\nActually, I'm having dinner with a girl\nI met at your party.\n\nTIM\nMazel Tov.\n\n(Jerry's date, Gwen, arrives. She's completely unattractive)\n\nGWEN\nJerry.. hi.\n\nJERRY\nGwen?\n\nGWEN\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\n(Not willing to believe how much uglier\nshe is) Really?\n\nGWEN\nYeah! Come on, our table is ready.\n\n(Tim gives Jerry a face - almost like he feels sorry for Jerry)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nJerry's apartment)\n\nGEORGE\nSo, attractive one day - not attractive\nthe next?\n\nJERRY\nHave you come across this?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, I am familiar with this syndrome\n-- she's a two-face.\n\nJERRY\n(Relating) Like the Batman villain?\n\nGEORGE\n(Annoyed) If that helps you..\n\nJERRY\nSo, if I ask her out again - I don't\nknow who's showing up: The good, the\nbad, or the ugly.\n\nGEORGE\n(Identifying what Jerry said) Clint\nEastwood!\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, check this out. I gotta give out\nChristmas presents to everyone down\nat Kruger, so I'm pulling a Whatley.\n(Give a Christmas card to Jerry)\n\nJERRY\n(Reading it) \"A donation has been made\nin your name to the Human Fund.\" - What\nis that?\n\nGEORGE\n(With pride) Made it up.\n\nJERRY\n(Continuing reading) \"The Human Fund.\nMoney for people.\"\n\nGEORGE\nWhat do you think?\n\nJERRY\nIt has a certain understated stupidity.\n\nGEORGE\n(Once again, Identifying) The Outlaw\nof Josey Whales!\n\nJERRY\n..Yeah.\n\n(Enter Kramer)\n\n(He is holding a sack full of bagels)\n\nKRAMER\nAh, gentlemen.. bagels on the house!\n\nJERRY\nHow was your first day?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, fantastic! (Jerry and George both\npick out a bagel) It felt so good to\nget my hands back in taht dough.\n\n(Jerry and George stop before they take a bite from their bagels)\n\nJERRY\nYour hands were in the dough?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, I didn't make these bagels. (Jerry\nand George both take a bite) Yeah, they're\nday-olds. The homeless won't even touch\nthem. (Jerry and George\n\nstop eating) Oh, we try to fool them by putting a few fresh ones\non top, but they dig.. they, they test.\n\n(George spits his bagel out)\n\nGEORGE\nAlright. Uh, well, I'm out of here.\n(Gets up to leave)\n\nJERRY\nHappy Festivus!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat's Festivus?\n\nJERRY\nWhen George was growing up..\n\nGEORGE\n(Interrupting) No!\n\nJERRY\nHis father..\n\nGEORGE\nStop it! It's nothing. It's a stupid\nholiday my father invented. It doesn't\nexist!\n\n(Elaine enters while George is exiting)\n\nELAINE\nHappy Festivus, Georgie.\n\n(George leaves yelling out \"God!\")\n\nKRAMER\nFrank invented a holiday? He's so prolific!\n\nELAINE\nKramer, listen, I got a little phone\nrelay going, so, if a guy calls H&H\nand he's looking for me, you take a\nmessage.\n\nJERRY\nYou're still trying to gget that free\nsub?\n\nELAINE\nHey! I have spent a lot of time, and\nI have eaten a lot of crap to get to\nwhere I am today. And I am NOT throwing\nit all away now.\n\nJERRY\nIs there a captain's hat involved in\nthis?\n\nELAINE\nMaybe.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nH&H Bagel Shop)\n\nFRANK\nKramer, I got your message. I haven't\ncelebrated Festivus in years! What is\nyour interest?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, just tell me everything, huh?\n\nFRANK\nMany Christmases ago, I went to buy\na doll for my son. I reach for the last\none they had - but so did another man.\nAs I rained blows opon him, I realized\n\nthere had to be another way!\n\nKRAMER\nWhat happened to the doll?\n\nFRANK\nIt was destroyed. But out of that, a\nnew holiday was born. \"A Festivus for\nthe rest of us!\"\n\nKRAMER\nThat musta been some kind of doll.\n\nFRANK\nShe was.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nKruger Office Building)\n\n(George is in the hallway, dispensing his made-up gifts)\n\nGEORGE\nMerry Christmas, Merry Christmas! (Co-worker\ngives a gift to George) Oh, Sandy! Here\nis a little something for you.. (hands\nher a card)\n\nSANDY\n(After reading the cheap gift, she's\nsuddenly unimpressed) ..Oh.. thanks.\n(Walks off)\n\n(George passes an open doorway)\n\nGEORGE\nPhil, I loved those cigars! Incoming!\n(Flicks his card tward Phil)\n\nPHIL\nOw!\n\n(George meets up with Kruger)\n\nGEORGE\nAw, Mr. Kruger, Sir. Merry Christmas!\n(Hands him a card)\n\nKRUGER\nNot if you could see our books.. what's\nthis?\n\nGEORGE\nThe Human Fund.\n\nKRUGER\nWhatever. (Walks off)\n\nGEORGE\nExactly. (Sees an off-camera co-worker)\nErica!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nH&H Bagel Shop)\n\n(Frank is still telling Kramer about Festivus)\n\nFRANK\nAnd at the Festivus dinner, you gather\nyour family around, and you tell them\nall the ways they have disappointed\nyou over the past year.\n\nKRAMER\nIs there a tree?\n\nFRANK\nNo. Instead, there's a pole. It requires\nnot decoration. I find tinsel distracting.\n\nKRAMER\nFrank, this new holiday of yours is\nscratching me right where I itch.\n\nFRANK\nLet's do it then! Festivus is back!\nI'll get the pole out of the crawl space.\n(Turns to leave, meets up with Elaine)\n\nELAINE\nHello, Frank.\n\nFRANK\nHello, woman. (leaves)\n\nELAINE\nKramer! Kramer.. any word from the vest?\n\nKRAMER\nNo. (To manager of H&H) Ah, listen,\nHarry, I need the 23rd off.\n\nMANAGER\nHey! I hired you to work during the\nholidays. This is the holidays.\n\nKRAMER\nBut it's Festivus.\n\nMANAGER\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nYou know you're infringing on my right\nto celebrate new holidays..\n\nMANAGER\nThat's not a right.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, it's going to be! Because I'm\ngoing back on strike. Come on Elaine.\n(Takes of his apron, and goes for his\ncoat) It's a walk out!\n\nELAINE\nNo, I got to stay here and wait for\nthe call.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat? You're siding with management?!\n\nELAINE\nNo, I just..\n\nKRAMER\n(Interrupting) Scab! Scab! (pointing\nat Elaine) Scab!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nTaxi Cab)\n\n(Gwen joins Jerry in the cab. She's in her attractive state)\n\nGWEN\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nBoy, am I glad to see you.\n\nGWEN\nYou were expecting someone else?\n\nJERRY\nYou never know.\n\nGWEN\n(To driver) You know, you might want\nto take the tunnel.\n\nJERRY\nSo, uh, what do you feel like eating?\nChinese or Italian?\n\n(All the sudden, Gwen is extremely ugly)\n\nGWEN\nI can go either way.\n\nJERRY\n(Shocked) You're telling me.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nthe Coffee Shop)\n\nGEORGE\nSo, she was switching? Back and forth?\n\nJERRY\nActually, the only place she always\nlooked good was in that back booth over\nthere.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, just bring her here. This is all\nyou really need.\n\nJERRY\nI can't just keep bringing her to the\ncoffee shop. I mean, what if things,\nyou know, progress?\n\nGEORGE\nLights out.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, I'll give it a shot! I do really\nlike this coffee shop. Nice cuff links,\nby the way.\n\nGEORGE\n(Pointing to them) Office Christmas\ngift. I tell you, this Human Fund is\na gold mine!\n\nJERRY\nThat's not a french cuff shirt, you\nknow.\n\nGEORGE\nI know. I cut the button off and poked\na hole with a letter opener.\n\nJERRY\nOh, that's classy.\n\n(Frank and Kramer enter. Frank is dragging an aluminum pole)\n\nKRAMER\nWell, Happy Festivus.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat is that? Is taht the pole?!\n\nFRANK\nGeorge, Festivus is your heritage -\nit's part of who you are.\n\nGEORGE\n(Sulking) That's why I hate it.\n\nKRAMER\nThere's a big dinner Tuesday night at\nFrank's house - everyone's invited.\n\nFRANK\nGeorge, you're forgetting how much Festivus\nhas meant to us all. I brought one of\nthe casette tapes. (Franks pushes play,\nGeorge as a child celebrating\n\nFestivus is heard)\n\nFRANK\nRead that poem.\n\nGEORGE\n(Complaining) I can't read it. I need\nmy glasses!\n\nFRANK\nYou don't need glasses, you're just\nweak! You're weak!\n\nESTELLE\nLeave him alone!\n\nFRANK\nAlright, George. It's time for the feats\nof strength.\n\n(George has a break down)\n\nGEORGE\nNo! No! Turn it off! No feats of strength!\n(Gets up and starts running out of the\ncoffee shop) I hate Festivus!\n\nFRANK\nWe had some good times.\n\n(Gwen walks in, and greets Jerry. She's in her unattractive state)\n\nGWEN\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nI there. This is Kramer, and Frank.\n\nGWEN\nHi.\n\nKRAMER\n(Shocked at her ugliness, he stammers)\nHello.\n\nGWEN\nSo, you ready to go?\n\nJERRY\nUh, why don't we stay here? The back\nbooth just opened up. (They both walk\nto the booth and sit down. Suddenly,\nGwen is attractive) Now this is a good\n\nlooking booth.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nH&H Bagel Shop)\n\n(Kramer is picketing out side.)\n\nKRAMER\nProtect Festivus! Hey, no bagels, no\nbagels, no bagels, (Continues to chant)\n\n(Cut to inside the store)\n\nMANAGER\n(To a waiting Elaine) Lady, if you want\na sandwich, I'll make you a sandwich.\n\nELAINE\n(Whining) I want the one that I earned.\n(Phone rings) I'll get it. I'll get\nit! (Into phone) H&H, and Elaine.\n\nKRAMER\n(From a phone booth right outside the\nstore) Elaine, you should get out of\nthere. I sabotaged the bagel machine\nlast night. It's going down.\n\nELAINE\nWhat did you do?\n\nKRAMER\nYou've been warned.\n\n(Elaine looks out the window, and sees Kramer at the pay phone)\n\nELAINE\nOh, hi! (Waves at him)\n\n(Steam starts coming from a pipe on the machine. Elaine hangs\nup)\n\nWORKER\nHey, the steam valve's broke.\n\nMANAGER\nCan we still make bagels?\n\nWORKER\nSure. It's just a little steamy.\n\n(Kramer knocks on the shop door)\n\nKRAMER\nHey! How do you like your bagels now?!\n\n(No one inside seems to care. Kramer waits by the door to see\nif anyone was affected)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nKruger Building)\n\nKRUGER\nGeorge, I got something for you. (Pulls\na check from his pocket) I'm suppose\nto find a charity and throw some of\nthe company's money at it. They all\n\nseem the same to me, so, what's the difference? (Hands the check\nto George)\n\nGEORGE\n20 thousand dollars?\n\nKRUGER\nMade out to the Human Fund. (Tries to\nenter his office, but it's locked) Oh,\ndamn. I've locked myself out of my office\nagain. Oh well. I'm going home.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nCoffee Shop)\n\nGWEN\nJerry, how many times do we have to\ncome to this.. place?\n\nJERRY\nWhy? It's our place.\n\nGWEN\nI just found a rubber band in my soup.\n\nJERRY\nOh.. I know who's cooking today!\n\n(Enter George)\n\nGEORGE\nHey! Surprise, surprise!\n\nJERRY\nHey, Georgie!\n\nGWEN\nI think I'm just gonna go.\n\nJERRY\nI'll be here.\n\n(Gwen leaves)\n\nGEORGE\n(Sees Gwen's meal) Hey, soup.\n\nJERRY\nShe didn't touch it.\n\n(George spoons through his soup, and finds a rubber band)\n\nGEORGE\nOhh.. Paco! (Flicks rubber band tward\nthe kitchen) Hey, take a look at this.\n(Hands Jerry Kruger's check)\n\nJERRY\n20 thousand dollars from Kruger? You're\nnot keeping this.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't know.\n\nJERRY\nExcuse me?\n\nGEORGE\nI've been doing a lot of thinking. This\nmight be my chance to start giving something\nback.\n\nJERRY\nYou want to give something back? Start\nwith the 20 thousand dollars.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm serious.\n\nJERRY\nYou're going to start your own charity?\n\nGEORGE\nI think I could be a philanthropist.\na kick ass philanthropist! I would have\nall this money, and people would love\nme. Then they would come to me.. and\n\nbeg! And if I felt like it, I would help them out. And then they\nwould owe me big time! (Thinking to himself) .. First thing I'm\ngonna need is a driver..\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nOutside H&H Bagels)\n\n(Kramer is chanting 'no bagels, no bagels..' Elaine walks out,\nher make-up is distorted, and her face is pale because of the\nsteam)\n\nELAINE\nKramer, the vest just called.\n\nKRAMER\n(Shocked by the way Elaine looks) Yama\n- Hama! It's fright night!\n\nELAINE\nOh, yeah, I got a little steam bath.\nListen, in 10 minutes, I'm gonna have\nmy hands on that \"Atomic Sub\" card.\n\nKRAMER\nAnd?\n\nELAINE\n(Embarrassed) Free sub. (Starts to leave)\nI'll see ya.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\n(Gwen walks by, she's in her ugly state)\n\nGWEN\nKramer, Hi!\n\nKRAMER\nOh, hello.\n\nGWEN\nIt's Gwen.. We met .. at the coffee\nshop.\n\nKRAMER\nAh-huh.\n\nGWEN\nI'm dating your friend, Jerry..\n\nKRAMER\nAhh.. I don't know who you really are,\nbut I've seen Jerry's girlfriend, and\nshe's not you. You're much better looking\n- and like, a foot taller.\n\nGWEN\nThat's why we're always hiding in that\ncoffee shop! He's afraid of getting\ncaught.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, he's a tomcat.\n\n(Cut to Elaine)\n\n(She meets up with Denim Vest on the street corner)\n\nELAINE\nSteve.\n\nDENIM VEST\nHmm?\n\nELAINE\nIt's Elaine.\n\nDENIM VEST\nFrom Tim Whatley's party?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nDENIM VEST\nYou look.. different.\n\nELAINE\nI see you're still sticking with the\ndenim. (He's wearing a denim coat) Do\nyou have that card that I gave you?\n\nDENIM VEST\nWell, I had it back at my place, but\nI can't go there now.. I'll give it\nto you later, or something.\n\nELAINE\nNo, no, no. You give me your number.\n\nDENIM VEST\nOkay. Sure. (Pulls out a pad, and starts\nwriting a number down) Do you have the\nmumps?\n\nELAINE\nNo.\n\nDENIM VEST\nTyphoid?\n\nELAINE\nNo.\n\nDENIM VEST\n(Hands her the paper, and runs off)\nYama - Hama!\n\n(Elaine looks at the number, and sees it's the same as the number\non a nearby truck)\n\nELAINE\nA fake number! Blimey!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nKruger's office)\n\nKRUGER\nGeorge, we have a problem. There's a\nmemo, here, from accounting telling\nme there's no such thing as the Human\nFund.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, there could be.\n\nKRUGER\nBut there isn't.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I - I could, Uh, I could give\nthe money back. Here. (Holds it out)\n\nKRUGER\nGeorge, I don't get it. If there's no\nHuman Fund, those donation cards were\nfake. You better have a damn good reason\nwhy you gave me a fake\n\nChristmas gift.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, sir, I - I gave out the fake card,\nbecause, um, I don't really celebrate\nChristmas. I, um, I celebrate Festivus.\n\nKRUGER\nVemonous?\n\nGEORGE\nFestivus, Sir. And, uh, I was afraid\nthat I would be persecuted for my beliefs.\nThey drove my family out of Bayside,\nSir!\n\nKRUGER\nAre you making all this up, too?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, no, Sir. Festivus is all too real.\nAnd.. I could prove it - if I had to.\n\nKRUGER\nYeah, you probably should.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nThe Costanza's house)\n\nGEORGE\nHappy Festivus!\n\nFRANK\nGeorge? This is a surprise. (Looking\nat Kruger) Who's the suit?\n\nGEORGE\nYo, dad. This is my boss, Mr. Kruger.\n\nFRANK\nHave you seen the pole, Kruger?\n\nGEORGE\nDad, he doesn't need to see the pole.\n\nFRANK\nHe's gonna see it.\n\n(Enter Jerry and Elaine. Elaine is still ugly from the steam)\n\nGEORGE\nHappy Festivus! (Sees Elaine) Yama -\nHama!\n\nELAINE\nI didn't have time to go home. What\nare you doing here?\n\nGEORGE\nEmbracing my roots.\n\nJERRY\nThey nailed you on the 20 G's?\n\nGEORGE\nBusted cold.\n\n(Cut to Kruger and Frank)\n\n(They're looking at the Festivus pole)\n\nFRANK\nIt's made from aluminum. Very high strength-to-weight\nratio.\n\nKRUGER\nI find your belief system fascinating.\n\n(Enter Kramer)\n\n(Kramer's with the two bookies from Horse Track Betting)\n\nKRAMER\nHey! Happy Festivus, everyone! (Hugs\nGeorge, and jumps up and down) Hee,\nhee, hee!\n\nBOOKIE\nHello again, Miss Benes.\n\nELAINE\nWhat are you doing here?\n\nBOOKIE\nDamnedest thing.. me and Charlie were\ncalling to ask you out, and, uh, we\ngot this bagel place..\n\nKRAMER\n(Finishing the story) I told them I\nwas just about to see you.. It's a Festivus\nmiracle!\n\n(Estelle comes through the kitchen door, hitting Kramer as she\nopens it)\n\nESTELLE\nDinner's ready!\n\nFRANK\nLet's begin.\n\nDr.. Van Nostrand?\n\nKRAMER\nUh.. that's right.\n\n(Cut to Frank)\n\nFRANK\nWelcome, new comers. The tradition of\nFestivus begins with the airing of grievances.\nI got a lot of problems with you people!\nAnd now you're gonna hear\n\nabout it! You, Kruger. My son tells me your company stinks!\n\nGEORGE\nOh, God.\n\nFRANK\n(To George) Quiet, you'll get yours\nin a minute. Kruger, you couldn't smooth\na silk sheet if you had a hot date with\na babe.. I lost my train of thought.\n\n(Frank sits down, Jerry gives a face that says \"That's a shame\".\nGwen walks in)\n\nGWEN\nJerry!\n\nJERRY\nGwen! How'd you know I was here?\n\nGWEN\nKramer told me.\n\nKRAMER\nAnother Festivus miracle!\n\n(Jerry gives Kramer a death stare. He shuts up. Gwen notices\nElaine)\n\nGWEN\nI guess this is the ugly girl I've been\nhearing about.\n\nELAINE\nHey, I was in a shvitz for 6 hours.\nGive me a break.\n\n(Gwen leaves, Jerry follows)\n\nJERRY\nGwen. Gwen, wait! Ah! (runs back to\nhis seat) Bad lighting on the porch.\n\nELAINE\n(To bookie) Hey, how'd my horse do?\n\nBOOKIE\nHe had to be shot.\n\nFRANK\nAnd now as Festivus rolls on, we come\nto the feats of strength.\n\nGEORGE\nNot the feats of strength..\n\nFRANK\nThis year, the honor goes to Mr. Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nUh-oh. Oh, gee, Frank, I'm sorry. I\ngotta go. I have to work a double shift\nat H&H.\n\nJERRY\nI thought you were on strike?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I caved. I mean, I really had\nto use their bathroom. Frank, no offence,\nbut this holiday is a little (makes\na series of noises) out there.\n\nGEORGE\nKramer! You can't go! Who's gonna do\nthe feats of strength?\n\n(Exit Kramer)\n\nKRUGER\n(Sipping liquor from a flask) How about\nGeorge?\n\nFRANK\nGood thinking, Kruger. Until you pin\nme, George, Festivus is not over!\n\nGEORGE\nOh, please, somebody, stop this!\n\nFRANK\n(Taking off his sweater) Let's rumble!\n\n(Cuts to an outside view of the Costanza's house)\n\nESTELLE\nI think you can take him, Georgie!\n\nGEORGE\nOh, come on! Be sensible.\n\nFRANK\nStop crying, and fight your father!\n\nGEORGE\nOw! .. Ow! I give, I give! Uncle!\n\nFRANK\nThis is the best Festivus ever!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nH&H Bagel Shop)\n\n(Kramer is shaping some dough and chewing gum - his gum falls\ninto the dough. He starts looking for the gum, and starts extracting\nit from the dough. The manger is\n\nwatching)\n\nMANAGER\nAlright. That's enough. You're fired.\n\nKRAMER\nThank - you! (Gets his coat, and leaves)\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Dealership.html",
    "text": "THE DEALERSHIP\n\nWritten by\n\nSteve Koren\n\n(A car dealership)\n\n(Jerry and George are looking over some cars)\n\nGEORGE\nWhen are they gonna have the flying\ncars, already?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, they have been promising that\nfor a while..\n\nGEORGE\nYears. When we were kids, they made\nit seem like it was right around the\ncorner.\n\nJERRY\nI think Ed Begley Jr. has one.\n\nGEORGE\nNo. That's just electric.\n\nJERRY\nWhat about Harrison Ford? He had one\nin, uh, Blade Runner. That was a cool\none.\n\nGEORGE\n(Sarcastic) What's the competition,\nChitty Chitty Bang Bang?\n\nJERRY\nWell, what do you think the big holdup\nis?\n\nGEORGE\nThe government is very touchy about\nus being in the air. Let us run around\non the ground as much as we want. Anything\nin the air is a big production.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, right. And what about the floating\ncities?\n\nGEORGE\nAnd the underwater bubble cities?\n\nJERRY\nIt's like we're living in the '50s here.\n\n(Kramer's bouncing up and down on the rear bumper of one of the\ncars for sale)\n\nKRAMER\nIt's good suspension!\n\nJERRY\n(To Kramer) Would you stop it? You'll\nhave plenty of time to destroy it after\nI get it. Hey, George, I'm buyin' this\ncar. (Gestures to a black Saab)\n\nGEORGE\nWhat is wrong with you? You never tell\n'em you like the car. (Advising) You're\nnot sure what you want. You don't even\nknow why you're here.\n\nJERRY\n(Talking about the vein in George's\nhead) There's that vein again.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm starving. We should have had lunch\nfirst..\n\nJERRY\n(Trying to quiet George down) It'll\nbe twenty minutes. I told ya, Puddy's\ngetting me an insider deal.\n\nGEORGE\nSince when is Elaine's boyfriend selling\ncars? I thought he was a mechanic.\n\nJERRY\nI guess he graduated.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's an easy move: go from screwin'\nyou behind your back to screwin' you\nright to your face.\n\n(Kramer, in one of the cars, honks the horn)\n\nJERRY\n(To Kramer) Thank you.\n\nGEORGE\nPuddy's just gonna give you the car,\nhuh? (Skeptic) You'll see. First they\nstick you with the undercoating, rust-proofing,\ndealer prep. Sudeenly, you're\n\non your back like a turnip.\n\nJERRY\nAlright. Calm down.\n\nGEORGE\nMy father had a car salesman buddy.\nHe was gonna fix him up real nice. Next\nthing I know, I'm gettin' dropped of\nin a Le Car with a fabric sunroof. All\n\nthe kids are shoutin' at me, \"Hey, Le George! Bonjour, Le George!\nLet's stuff Le George in Le Locker!\"\n\n(Kramer's now on his back, under a car)\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, I don't think this thing is hooked\nup right.\n\n(Jerry and George go to enter the office buildings)\n\nJERRY\n(To Kramer) Alright, we're goin' in.\n\n(A salesman walks up to Kramer. He's still under the car)\n\nSALESMAN\nYou've got a good eye, there. I see\nyou've noticed the uni-body construction.\nI'm Rick. Are you looking to buy or\nlease?\n\n(Kramer emerges from under the car)\n\nKRAMER\nUh, borrow. It's for my friend. Yeah,\nhe'll be buying..\n\nRICK\nMaybe I should talk to him.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I don't think so. No, he's an entertainer.\nYou know, all over the place. That's\nwhere I come in.\n\nRICK\nI see. So, you're his manag-\n\n(Kramer hops into the car)\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, neighbor. That's right. Yeah,\nwhy don't we take this boiler out for\na shakedown?\n\n(Scene cuts to the insides of the dealership building. Jerry\nand George are waiting for a salesman to assist them)\n\nGEORGE\nLook at these salesmen. The only thing\nthese guys fear is the walk-out. No\nmatter what they say, you say, \"I'll\nwalk out of here right now!\"\n\n(A salesman approaches)\n\nSALESMAN\nCan I help you with something?\n\nGEORGE\n(Threatening) Hold it! One more step\nand we're walkin'!\n\nJERRY\n(Scolding) George. (To salesman) Sorry,\nwe're just waiting for David Puddy.\n\nGEORGE\n(Still with a tone) He is. You don't\nknow what I'm doin' here.\n\n(Elaine walks into the showroom with David Puddy)\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nPUDDY\nSorry I'm late.\n\nELAINE\n(Full of pride) My new salesman boyfriend\ntook me out to celebrate his promotion.\n\nJERRY\nAh. Where'd you go?\n\nELAINE\n(Obviously embarrassed) Uh, to a restaurant.\n\nPUDDY\nArby's.\n\nELAINE\nI had the roast beef..\n\nJERRY\nSo, Puddy, I decided I'm gonna go with\nanother 900 convertible.\n\nPUDDY\nAlright. Classic. (Holds his hand up)\nHigh-five.\n\nELAINE\n(Interrupting) David, can you tell me\nwhere the Xerox machine is?\n\nPUDDY\nOh, sure, babe. Salesman-only copy room\n(Points) right there.\n\nELAINE\nOh. (Leaves for the room)\n\nPUDDY\n(To Jerry and George) Hey, come on,\nguys. I'll show you the 900.\n\nGEORGE\n(Mocking, skeptic) Yeah, you show us\nthe 900.\n\n(Scene cuts to Kramer. He's in the car with the salesman, Rick,\nand they're driving an unknown street)\n\nRICK\n.. And look at these features, Mr. Kramer:\nAnti-lock breaks, automatic climate\ncontrol. Uh, (Points out the windshield)\nmake a right at this corner, please.\n\n(Goes back to the features) Adjustable steering wheel, and..\nOh, Mr. Kramer, you missed the turn..\n\nKRAMER\nNo. No, I didn't.\n\nRICK\nWell, that's okay. (Pointing) We'll\nmake this next right, and swing around\nto get back to the dealership.\n\nKRAMER\n(Up to something) Well, it's a test\ndrive, right? I never drive around here.\nIf I'm gonna recommend this car, I need\nto see that it'll handle my daily\n\nroutine.\n\nRICK\nSo where are we going?\n\nKRAMER\nJust a little place I like to call,\n\"You'll see\".\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nPuddy's office)\n\n(George and Jerry are in conference with Puddy)\n\nGEORGE\nI'm starving. You got any of those free\ndonuts you use to soften people up?\n\nPUDDY\n(Pointing out his office door) By the\nservice department.\n\nGEORGE\n(Getting up, he addresses Jerry) Alright,\nremember: no rust-proofing. Commit to\nnothing. If you have to speak - mumble.\n\nJERRY\n(As George is leaving for the donuts)\nAu revoir, Le George.\n\nGEORGE\nDon't think it can't happen! (Leaves)\n\nJERRY\nSo, Puddy, this is a pretty good move\nfor you, huh? No more \"grease monkey\".\n\nPUDDY\nI don't care for that term.\n\nJERRY\nOh. Sorry, I didn't know..\n\nPUDDY\nNo, I don't know too many monkeys who\ncould take apart a fuel injector.\n\nJERRY\nI saw one once that could do sign language.\n\nPUDDY\nYeah, I saw that one. Uh.. Koko.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, Koko.\n\nPUDDY\nRight, Koko. That chimp's alright. (Holds\nup his hand) High-five.\n\n(Returning, George sees Jerry reluctantly slap hands with Puddy)\n\nGEORGE\nHey, hey, hey! What's goin' on here?\n(To Jerry) You didn't agree to anything,\ndid ya?\n\nJERRY\nNo. We both just saw the same monkey.\n\nGEORGE\n(Aggravated) Well, I got screwed on\nthe donuts. There were none left.\n\nPUDDY\n(Standing up) Well, there's a vending\nmachine. I could show you where it is.\n(Leaves, showing George the way)\n\nGEORGE\n(To Jerry) Hey, gimme a dollar.\n\nJERRY\n(Getting a dollar out) Where's your\nmoney?\n\nGEORGE\n(Talking it) I'm here helpin' you.\n\n(Elaine enters)\n\nELAINE\nHey. Where's Puddy? The copy machine\nis broken.\n\nGEORGE\n(On his way out) Heh, heh, heh. That's\nwhat they want you to think.\n\nJERRY\nHey, Elaine, have you noticed your boyfriend\nhas developed an annoying little habit?\n\nELAINE\n(Squints, imitating Puddy) The squinting?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nELAINE\n(Stares ahead, again, imitating Puddy)\nThe staring?\n\nJERRY\nNo. He keeps asking me to give him a\nhigh-five.\n\nELAINE\nI thought all guys do that.\n\nJERRY\nSlapping hands is the lowest form of\nmale primate ritual. In fact, even some\nof them have moved on - they're using\nsign language now.\n\nELAINE\nIs that bad?\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you think the Nazis were doin'?\n(Imitates the Nazi's salute) That was\nthe heil-five.\n\nELAINE\n(Pointing out) Isn't that from your\nact, like, ten years ago?\n\nJERRY\n(Slightly embarrassed) It was a good\nbit in the '80's, and it's still relatable\ntoday.\n\n(Puddy approaches them)\n\nPUDDY\nGood news. We got a 900 in black. That's\nthe hot color. (Holds up his hand) High-five.\n\n(Elaine and Jerry exchange looks)\n\nELAINE\nUm, David, you know what? Can you come\nhelp me fix the copy machine?\n\n(Elaine takes Puddy's arm, leading him to the room)\n\nPUDDY\n(Pointing at Jerry) You owe me five.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nDealership back room)\n\n(George is eyeing a Twix candy bar through the vending machine\nglass)\n\nGEORGE\nTwix.. (Makes various noises) B-5.\n\n(George put in his dollar, but the machine rejects it. He tries\nto jam it in, same result. He tries one more time - unsuccessful)\n\nGEORGE\nAh, come on!\n\n(A heavy-set mechanic approaches and stands in line behind George\nto use the vending machine. George steps back to let him use\nit. The machine readily accepts\n\nthe mechanic's dollar)\n\nGEORGE\nAh, excuse me. Do you have change of\na dollar?\n\nMECHANIC\n(While retrieving his candy) No.\n\nGEORGE\nCould I, uh, could I trade you for another\ndollar?\n\nMECHANIC\n(While walking away) Don't have one.\n\nGEORGE\n(Stopping him) Excuse me. When your,\nuh, when your wallet was open, I glanced\ninside, and I couldn't help but notice\nthat you had several crisp dollar\n\nbills.\n\nMECHANIC\n(Calm) You're incorrect.\n\nGEORGE\n(Persistent) Perhaps you could look\nagain, please? I'm very hungry.\n\nMECHANIC\n(While taking his exit) We had donuts\nearlier.\n\nGEORGE\n(Losing it) I guess everyone here enjoys\ngiving the old screwgie, huh?! You're\nall doin' a hell of a job! (Looks longingly\nat the Twix in the machine) Ho,\n\nho. What I would do with you..\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nDealership car)\n\n(Rick and Kramer are still on the test-drive. The back seat is\nfilled with various items - those including a giant, stuffed\nTweety bird)\n\nRICK\nMr. Kramer, we're really not allowed\nto use the cars to run errands.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, look, Rick. I'm very close to giving\nthis car, that my celebrity friend is\nconsidering, my full endorsement. (Looks\nout the window) Oooh, Let's see if\n\nI can get a smile from these femininas.. (Yells out to them)\nHey, Ladies! (Points to the car) It's the Saab 900! What do you\nthink? Can I interest you in a little\n\nsupplemental restraint?! (They obviously do something to offend\nhim. Kramer reacts with a face) Geeze..\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nDealership back room)\n\n(Jerry walks up to the vending machine. George is on his stomach,\nreaching under the vending machine for change)\n\nJERRY\n(Tapping the door you lift to retrieve\nyour candy on the machine) I think the\ncandy comes out over there.\n\nGEORGE\nPeople can drop change down here, Jerry.\nAnd they're too lazy to pick it up.\n\nJERRY\nEither that, or they've got a little\nhang-up about lying face-down in filth.\nWhy don't you just go to the cashier?\n\n(George gets up)\n\nGEORGE\nThe cashier is at lunch - which is where\nI'd like to be.\n\nJERRY\nHow much was under there?\n\nGEORGE\n(Looking at his finger) I think somethin'\nbit me. I just need another nickel.\n\nJERRY\n(While fishing through his pocket for\nchange) Hey, Puddy thinks I should go\nfor the CD player. What do you think?\n(Hands him a nickel)\n\nGEORGE\nHo, ho, ho! He's got a live one. He's\njust reeling his big fish in!\n\nJERRY\nHey, can I have my dollar back?\n\nGEORGE\n(Stingy) It's wrinkled. It's worthless.\n\n(Jerry gives George a look, then leaves. George hurriedly puts\nthe money into the machine)\n\nGEORGE\n(As the Twix starts to move) Ha, ha,\nha, ha! (The Twix gets stuck in the\nspindle right before falling. George\nbegins to pound the machine) Come on!\n\nJump!\n\n(A man holding a donut walks past George)\n\nMAN\nThey just put out some more donuts.\n\nGEORGE\nThey did?\n\nMAN\n(Holding his up) Last one.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nDealership car)\n\n(Kramer's still on the road with Rick)\n\nKRAMER\nWell, just one more errand and we can\nhead back.\n\nRICK\nActually, it looks like we're gonna\nneed some gas.\n\nKRAMER\nOh? Well, how much gas do you think\nis in there right now?\n\nRICK\n(Looking) Well, it's on \"E\".\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, uh, oftentimes, Jerry - he\nlend me his car and I find myself in\na situation where the car is almost\nout of gas. But, for a variety of reasons,\nI\n\ndon't want to be the one responsible for purchasing costly gasoline.\n\nRICK\n(Pointing out) So, you want to know\nhow far you can drive your friend's\ncar for free.\n\nKRAMER\n(In the spotlight, his voice goes high)\nWell, I make it up to him in other ways.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nDealership back room)\n\n(George enters with a salesman, regarding the machine)\n\nGEORGE\nAs you will see, the candy bar is paid\nfor, and yet, remains dangling in the\nmachine. (Notices that the Twix slot\nis completely empty) Hey, it's gone.\n\nWhere is my Twix? (Quickly looks around. His sights fall on the\nwindow of a door labeled \"Employees Only\". The same mechanic\nfrom before is eating a candy bar)\n\nWhat?! That guy's eatin' it!\n\nSALESMAN\nWell, how do you know that one's yours?\n\nGEORGE\nUh, it was dangling! There were only\ntwo left in the machine! He must've\nbought one, and gotten both.\n\nSALESMAN\nSir, are you gonna buy a car?\n\nGEORGE\nNo! (The salesman walks away. He addresses\nthe mechanic through the door's window)\nHey! Hey! I can see you! That is my\nTwix! (The mechanic eats\n\nthe last of the Twix, obviously to make George even more angered.\nIt works) Oh, ha, ha! Ho, ho!\n\n(Scene cuts to Puddy in the copy room with Elaine. He's trying\nto fix the Xerox machine)\n\nPUDDY\nPaper jam.. Got it! (Holds his hand\nup) High-five. (Elaine reluctantly slaps\nit. He turns around, and puts his hand\nout behind his back) On the flip side.\n\nELAINE\nDavid, um, I..\n\nPUDDY\n(Still holding out his hand) Don't leave\nme hangin'\n\nELAINE\nYou're a salesman now - and the high-five\nis.. it's very grease monkey.\n\nPUDDY\nWhat did I tell you about that?\n\nELAINE\nI'm sorry, but the high-five is just\nso stupid.\n\nPUDDY\n(Somewhat hurt) Oh yeah? I'll tell you\nwhat's stupid. You. Stupid.\n\nELAINE\nWell, that is really mature.\n\nPUDDY\nYeah? So are you.\n\nELAINE\nHuh?\n\nPUDDY\nYou're the grease monkey.\n\nELAINE\n(Confused at David's attempts at a comeback)\nUh.. that doesn't make any sense. I\nam leaving.\n\nPUDDY\nYeah, if you leave, we're through.\n\nELAINE\nFine! We're through!\n\nPUDDY; Oh, so you're leaving?\n\nELAINE\n(While leaving) That's right. (Mocking\nPuddy, she puts her hand up) High-five!\n(Turns around, putting her hand behind\nher back like he had done) On the\n\nflip side! (As Elaine is leaving, she mutters to herself) Takin'\nme to Arby's..\n\nJERRY\n(Sees Elaine leaving) Hey! Wh-where\nare you..?\n\n(She exits. Puddy sits down at his desk - disturbed)\n\nPUDDY\nLet's finish this up.\n\nJERRY\nDid you two break up?\n\nPUDDY\n(While punching up numbers on a calculator)\nThat chick's whacked. We're history.\n(Back to the transaction) I just left\nout a couple of things:\n\nrust-proofing..\n\nJERRY\n\"Rust-proofing\"?\n\nPUDDY\n(Reading off what he's adding up on\nthe calculator) Transport charge, storage\nsurcharge, additional overcharge, finder's\nfee\n\nJERRY\n\"Finder's fee\"? It was on the lot!\n\nPUDDY\nYeah, that's right. (Continues reading\noff) Floor mats, keys..\n\nJERRY\n'Keys\"?!\n\nPUDDY\nHow ya gonna start it?\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nDealership's shop)\n\n(George catches up with the portly mechanic)\n\nGEORGE\nExcuse me. I believe you just ate my\nTwix bar. It was dangling. And when\nyou purchased your Twix bar, you got\na little freebie, and you never bothered\n\nto ask why, or seek out its rightful owner.\n\nMECHANIC\nFirst of all, it wasn't a Twix. It was\na 5th Avenue bar.\n\nGEORGE\nHuh. You must think I'm pretty stupid.\nThat was no 5th Avenue bar. I can see\nthe crumb right there in the corner\nof your lip! Now, that-that-that is\na\n\ncookie - and we all know Twix is the only candy bar with the\ncookie crunch.\n\nMECHANIC\nYeah, it's just a little nougat.\n\nGEORGE\nNougat? Please. I think I've reached\nthe point in my life where I can tell\nbetween nougat and cookie. So, let's\nnot just say things that are obvious\n\nfabrications.\n\nMECHANIC\n(Pointing to George's forehead) You\nknow, you're gettin' a little vein there..\n\nGEORGE\n(Watching the mechanic leave) I know\nabout the vein! I can't believe this\nguy..\n\n(Jerry rushes in with a box of candy)\n\nJERRY\nHey, George!\n\nGEORGE\nHey, starving! (Grabs the box from Jerry)\n\nJERRY\nNo, last one. Listen, you gotta help\nme out. Elaine and Puddy just broke\nup, he's treatin' me just like a regular\ncustomer, now!\n\nGEORGE\nI tried to tell you, but you wouldn't\nlisten. No, ho, ho! You were gonna get\na deal, huh? There's now laws in this\nplace. Anything goes! It's\n\nThunderdome!\n\n(A saleswoman approaches them)\n\nSALESWOMAN\nIs someone helping you?\n\n(Jerry and George quickly avoid her by leaving the room)\n\nGEORGE\nStay back!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nDealership car)\n\nRICK\n(Trying to look at the gas gauge) Where\nis it now?\n\nKRAMER\nThere's still some overlap between the\nneedle and the slash below the \"E\".\n\nRICK\nHow long are you gonna go?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I've been in the slash many times.\nThis is nothing. You'll get used to\nit. Just, (Makes a popping sound) get\nit out of your mind.\n\nRICK\nHave you ever been completely below\nthe slash?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I almost did once, and I blacked\nout. When I came to, the car was in\na ditch, and the tank was full. I don't\nknow who did it, and I never got to\n\nthank them..\n\nRICK\n(As the car slowly drifts off the road)\nMr. Kramer, the road!\n\n(Kramer swerves around, trying to get back in place)\n\nKRAMER\nWhoop! Whoop!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nPuddy's office)\n\n(Jerry and George are in conference)\n\nJERRY\n(Threatening tone) So, listen, Puddy.\nWhen we first started this deal, I thought\nthings were gonna be different. Now,\nif you want to play hard ball, I got\nmy\n\nfriend, George, here, and he can play pretty hard.. ball. (Leaving\nthe negotiation to George) George, vein it up.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, Puddy, listen, and listen good:\nI need to know the name of that mechanic\nthat walks around here. Big guy, a liar.\nShort name. Sam? Moe? Sol?!\n\nJERRY\nGeorge! Can we focus on the car, here?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm starving! I can feel my stomach\nsucking up against my spine.\n\nPUDDY\n(Handing a sheet of paper to Jerry)\nJerry, I just need your signature, here,\nand we'll get you that yellow car ready\nto go.\n\nJERRY\nYellow? I wanted black.\n\nPUDDY\nI can't give you black at that price.\n\nJERRY\n(Pleading) George, could you help me,\nplease?\n\nGEORGE\n(Standing up) Yes. This is wrong!\n\nJERRY\nSing it, sister!\n\nGEORGE\nJust because a candy bar fails to fall\nfrom its perch..!\n\nJERRY\n(Exasperated) Uhhh..\n\nGEORGE\n(Losing it) ..does not imply transfer\nof ownership. Moe, Sol, or... Lem is not\ngonna get away with this!\n\n(Jerry follows George out the office)\n\nJERRY\n(To Puddy) I'll be right back.\n\nPUDDY\nOkay.\n\n(Jerry catches up with George)\n\nJERRY\nHey, George!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nDealership car)\n\n(The needle is now below \"E\". Rick is looking at it)\n\nRICK\nIs it just the angle I'm looking from?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, Sir. We are down there.\n\nRICK\nOh, this is amazing! Oh, I've never\nfelt so alive!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well, alright. I'm satisfied.\nWe better get some gas.\n\nRICK\nWhat? Well, we can't stop now.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat do you mean?\n\nRICK\nWe have to keep going - all the way\nback to the dealership. That was the\nplan.\n\nKRAMER\nThere was no plan.\n\nRICK\nWell, let's make it the plan! Let's\njust.. go for it! Like Thelma and Louise.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat, they drove to a dealership?\n\nRICK\nNo, they drove off a cliff.\n\n(Kramer eyes Rick, frightened)\n\nKRAMER\nYou are one sick mama.. I like it.\n\nRICK\nMr. Kramer, the road!\n\n(Kramer swerves around again)\n\nKRAMER\nYup! Yup!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nElaine's apartment)\n\n(Phone rings, she answers it)\n\nELAINE\nHello?\n\nJERRY\n(Over the phone) Elaine, you've got\nto get back down to the dealer. Puddy\nis screwin' me on this car, which is\nyellow now!\n\nELAINE\n(Jokingly mimicking Jerry) Who is this?\n\nJERRY\n(Banging the phone against the booth)\nElaine!\n\n(Elaine flinches with every loud banging noise)\n\nELAINE\nWhat?!\n\nJERRY\nYou gotta get back together with Puddy\nso I can make this deal.\n\nELAINE\n(Sarcastic) You know, just that you\ncared enough to call means so much,\nJerry.\n\nJERRY\nYou're gonna get back together, anyway.\nIt's thousands of dollars!\n\nELAINE\nOh, I don't know..\n\nJERRY\nCome on. Then you don't have to see\nhim again 'til my 15,000-mile check.\n\nELAINE\nWell, will you pay my cab fare out there?\n\nJERRY\nFine.\n\nELAINE\nAnd I didn't like that roast beef, so\nhow 'bout some lunch?\n\nJERRY\nNo. No lunch.\n\nELAINE\nI'll hang the phone up right now!\n\nJERRY\nAlright! Lunch!\n\nELAINE\nI'll see ya. (Hanging up the phone)\n\nJERRY\nBye. (Hangs up)\n\nJERRY\n(Frustrated, he reacts) Everybody's\nripping me off!\n\n(Scene cuts to George at the customer complaint window)\n\nGEORGE\nI'd like to report a problem with one\nof your mechanics.\n\nWILLIE\nWhen did you bring the car in?\n\nGEORGE\n(To the man behind him in line) Yeah\nright.. I'm gonna get my car repaired\nat a dealership. Huh! Why don't I just\nflush my money down the toilet?\n\nWILLIE\nSir, what, exactly, is the problem?\n\nGEORGE\nOne of your guys - Kip, or Ned, short\nname - stole my Twix candy bar!\n\nWILLIE\nAre you saying he grabbed the candy\nbar away from you?\n\nGEORGE\nHe might as well have! I caught him,\nand his face was covered in chocolate\nand cookie crumbs.\n\nWILLIE\nI thought you said it was a Twix.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, it was. But he claimed it was a\n5th Avenue bar.\n\nWILLIE\nMaybe it was.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, no, no. Twix is the only candy with\nthe cookie crunch.\n\nWILLIE\nWhat about the $100,000 bar?\n\nGEORGE\nNo. Rice and caramel.\n\nWILLIE\nNougat?\n\nGEORGE\nNo.\n\nWILLIE\nPositive?\n\nGEORGE\nPlease.\n\n(A woman appears from behind the window)\n\nWOMAN\nYou know they changed the name from\n$100,000 bar to 100 Grand?\n\nGEORGE\nAll I want is my seventy-five cents\nback, an apology, and for him to be\nfired!\n\n(An old man sitting in a nearby chair speaks up. He's Willie's\nfather)\n\nWILLIE SR\nI remember when you used to be able\nto get a Hershey for a nickel.\n\n(The man behind George speaks up)\n\nMAN\nWhat's the one with the swirling chocolate\nin the commercial?\n\nGEORGE\nThey all have swirling chocolate in\nthe commercial!\n\nWILLIE SR\nNot Skittles.\n\nWILLIE\nDad, I told you you could sit here only\nif you don't talk.\n\nWOMAN\n(Sitting behind George) You make your\nfather sit here all day?\n\nWILLIE\nHe likes it!\n\nGEORGE\nAlright! Do you mind? I have the window!\n(To Willie) Now, what are you gonna\ndo about my Twix?\n\nMAN\n(In line behind George) Twix has too\nmuch coconut.\n\nGEORGE\nNo! There's no coconut!\n\nWOMAN\n(Behind service window) I'm allergic\nto coconut.\n\nWILLIE\nI'm not.\n\nWILLIE SR\n..A nickel!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nDealership office showroom)\n\n(Elaine enters, and hands Jerry the receipt for her cab)\n\nELAINE\nCab receipt. Hey, Puddy.\n\nPUDDY\nI'm with a customer.\n\n(Elaine throws up her hands, giving a face of dissatisfaction,\nand starts to walk away)\n\nELAINE\nUh..\n\nJERRY\nNo, no. No, Elaine, the car can wait.\nWhat's important is you two getting\nback together. Eh, then we'll talk about\nthe car.\n\nPUDDY\n(Like a kid) I don't want to get back\nwith her. She's too bossy.\n\nELAINE\n(Raising her finger at him, in an authoritative\ntone) David..\n\nJERRY\nOkay. Now, I know this is an important\ndecision. Why don't we all just sit\ndown and talk about it? Come on, come\non. Now, look, you both find each\n\nother attractive, right?\n\nELAINE AND PUDDY\nRight.\n\nJERRY\nClearly, no one else can stand to be\nwith either one of you..\n\nELAINE\nI guess.\n\nPUDDY\nGood point.\n\nJERRY\n(Smiling, like a salesman) Alright.\nNow, what do I have to do to put you\ntwo in a relationship today?\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nGas station)\n\n(Kramer pulls the car into a gas station and gets out)\n\nKRAMER\nCars can go on empty, but not us humans,\nhuh, fella? I'll get us a couple of\nTwix bars.\n\nRICK\nNo, no coconut for me.\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, I'll get ya a Mounds bar. Keep\nthe engine running.\n\n(Rick sits back in the car a second, then hurriedly jumps out\nand reaches for the gas pump. Kramer pops up from behind the\npump and scares him)\n\nRICK\nAhh!\n\nKRAMER\nNo, man! Not the gas!\n\nRICK\nBut it needs it, Kramer! It needs it\nbad!\n\nKRAMER\nDo you think that this'll make you happy?\n'Cause it won't!\n\nRICK\n(Walking away) Ah, you can just go on\nwithout me.\n\n(Kramer grabs him by the collar)\n\nKRAMER\nListen to me. When that car rolls into\nthat dealership, and that tank is bone\ndry, I want you to be there with me\nwhen everyone says, \"Kramer and that\n\nother guy, oh, they went further to the left of the slash than\nanyone ever dreamed!\"\n\n(The car makes puttering noises)\n\nRICK\nMaybe we better get moving.\n\nKRAMER\nIt's good to have you back, Stan.\n\n(Both hop into the car)\n\nRICK\nIt's Rick, by the way.\n\nKRAMER\nNo time!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nDealership's customer service room)\n\nWILLIE\nMr. Costanza, I really don't have time\nfor this.\n\nGEORGE\nNow, if this mechanic guy, was, in fact,\neating a 5th Avenue bar, as he claimed,\nwouldn't you agree he would have no\nproblem picking one out from a\n\ncandy line-up?\n\nWILLIE\n\"Candy line-up\"?\n\nGEORGE\nI've spent the last hour preparing ten\ncandy bars with no wrappers of identification\nof any kind for him to select from.\n\nWILLIE\nIt took you an hour?\n\nGEORGE\nOnly I hold the answer key to their\ntrue candy identities. And so, without\nfurther ado, I give you.. the candy\nline-up. (Opens a door to a back room.\n\nVarious dealership employees are munching on candy bars)\n\nSALESWOMAN\nHey, Willie, check it out! Free candy!\n\nGEORGE\nThat's my candy line-up! Where are all\nmy cards?! They're - they're all on\nthe floor!\n\n(George starts picking up the numbered cards from off the floor.\nHe sees the mechanic eating one of the candy bars)\n\nGEORGE\nAnd you! How many Twix does that make\nfor you, today?! Like, 8 Twix?!\n\nMECHANIC\nNo.\n\nMAN\nHey, this Clark bar is good.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's a Twix! They're all Twix! It was\na setup! A setup, I tell ya! And you've\nrobbed it! You've all screwed me again!\nNow, gimme one! Gimme a Twix!\n\nMECHANIC\nThey're all gone.\n\nGEORGE\n(Yelling out, frustrated. The camera\nspins from a top angle) Ttttttwwwwiiiiiixxxxx!\n\n(Scene cuts to Elaine, Puddy and Jerry, all in conference)\n\nELAINE\nWhat was that?\n\nPUDDY\nThere's a mental hospital right near\nhere.\n\nJERRY\nAlright. Elaine, David, I believe we\nhave a deal here in principle: Arby's\n- no more than once a month. In exchange,\nElaine comes to your softball game,\nand\n\ndoesn't read a book.\n\nELAINE\n(While looking over the contract Jerry\njust drew up) Yeah, well, that's not\nbad.\n\nPUDDY\nI can live with that.\n\nJERRY\nSo, you're back together?\n\nPUDDY\nYeah.\n\n(Jerry sees them stare at each other, smiling)\n\nJERRY\nAlright, alright. Alright, that's enough!\nLet's get back to my deal. That undercoating,\nthat's just a rip-off, isn't it, David?\n\nPUDDY\nOh, we don't even know what it is.\n\nJERRY\nSo, I'm gettin' the insider's deal?\n\nPUDDY\nInsider's deal. (Holds up his hand)\nHigh-five.\n\n(Jerry gives a face of resentment)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nDealership car)\n\n(Rick and Kramer are driving back to the dealership)\n\nRICK\n(Seeing the turn-off up ahead) There's\nthe dealer!\n\nKRAMER\nHey!\n\nRICK\nWe did! We pulled it off! I can't believe\nit! Where's the needle?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, it broke off, baby! Woo, hoo, hoo!\n\nRICK\nOh, Mr. Kramer, I gotta thank you. I\n- I learned a lot. Things are gonna\nbe different for me now.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, that's a weird thing to say..\n\nRICK\nI wonder how much longer we could have\nlasted.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah. I wonder.. hmm.\n\n(They both eye each other, then Kramer slams on the gas, attempting\nto go even longer. They both cheer and scream out)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nNYC Cab)\n\n(Elaine, George, and Jerry are riding home in a cab)\n\nELAINE\nThis is nice. What kind of car is this?\n\nCABBIE\nCaprice Classic.\n\nELAINE\n(To Jerry) You couldn't just give him\none high-five?\n\nJERRY\nAnd where does it end? Then, everyone's\ndoin' it. It's like the wave at ball\ngames. Air quotes. The phrase, \"Don't\ngo there.\" - Someone's gotta take a\n\nstand!\n\nGEORGE\n(Munching on a hamburger) This Arby's\nis good.\n\nELAINE\nSo, George, I still don't understand\n- how was that a setup?\n\nJERRY\nAnd who were you tryin' to set up, anyway?\nThe mechanic or the manager?\n\nGEORGE\n(In the spotlight) I don't know. All\nof 'em. They're all crooks! Besides,\nI couldn't get all different candy bars,\nanyway.\n\n(Kramer and Rick speed by the cab in the Saab - both screaming\nand yelling)\n\nGEORGE\nWhat was that?\n\nJERRY\nI think there's a mental hospital near\nhere.\n\nELAINE\nVery near.\n\n(Scene cuts to Kramer and Rick. Still yelling, they slowly come\nto a stop)\n\nKRAMER\nWhew! Well, I think we stopped.\n\nRICK\nYou - you can probably let go of my\nhand now.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah. (Getting out of the car) Well,\nI'll think about it..\n\nRICK\nDo you have my card?\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Reverse-Peephole.html",
    "text": "THE REVERSE PEEPHOLE\n\nWritten by\n\nSpike Feresten\n\n(Waitress giving Elaine her meal at Monk's.)\n\nWAITRESS\nCareful, this plate is extremely hot.\n\nElaine touching the plate.\n\nELAINE\nThank you. Ow!\n\nWAITRESS\nI just told you it was hot. Why'd you\ntouch it?\n\nELAINE\nI just wanted to know what your idea\nof 'hot' is.\n\nPuddy entering Monk's in a fur coat\n\nPUDDY\nHey, babe. You ready to hit the ice?\n\nElaine cracking up when she sees Puddy's coat.\n\nELAINE\nI am ready to skate up a-- ha, ha, ha...Why\nare you wearing that?\n\nPUDDY\nIt's my winter coat.\n\nELAINE\nA fur?\n\nPuddy sits down in the booth.\n\nPUDDY\nIs there a problem?\n\nELAINE\nA seemingly infinite supply.\n\nElaine touching the plate again.\n\nELAINE\nOw! Careful, it's hot.\n\nPuddy touching the plate.\n\nPUDDY\nOw!\n\nJerry, in his apartment with Elaine and George.\n\nJERRY\nSo, Puddy wear's a man fur?\n\nELAINE\nHe was struttin' around the coffee shop\nlike Stein Erickson.\n\nJERRY\nAnd, of course, you find fur morally\nreprehensible.\n\nELAINE\nEh, anti-fur. I mean, who has the energy\nanymore? This is more about hanging\noff the arm of an idiot.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd this is the first you're seeing\nof the coat?\n\nELAINE\nWe never dated in winter.\n\nJERRY\nYou might want to get a look at that\nbathing suit drawer.\n\nELAINE\nOh, I walked by Bloomingdale's the other\nday, and I saw that massage chair we\nwant to get Joe Mayo as an apartment\ngift.\n\nGEORGE\nAn apartment-warming gift? We got to\ngive presents to people for moving?\nBirthdays, Christmas, it's enough gifts.\nI would like one month off.\n\nJERRY\nKramer said it's a perfect gift. That's\nwhat we're gettin' him.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, but we're not buyin' it at\nBloomingdale's. I will buy it, you pay\nme back later. I'll sniff out a deal.\nI have a sixth sense.\n\nJERRY\nCheapness is not a sense.\n\nELAINE\nI can't stand Joe Mayo's parties. You\nknow, the second you walk in, he's got\nyou workin' for him. 'Hey, can you do\nme a favor? Can you keep an eye on the\n\nice, make sure we have enough?' Uh...\n\nJERRY\nI had a great time at the last one.\nI was in charge of the music. I turned\nthat mother out.\n\nKramer enters Jerry's apartment with Newman.\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nYou got any pliers?\n\nJERRY\nWhat, has Newman got another army man\nstuck in his ear?\n\nNEWMAN\nHilarious.\n\nKRAMER\nNewman and I are reversing the peepholes\non our door. So you can see in.\n\nELAINE\nWhy?\n\nNEWMAN\nTo prevent an ambush.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, so now I can peek to see if anyone\nis waiting to jack me with a sock full\nof pennies.\n\nJERRY\nBut then anyone can just look in and\nsee you.\n\nKRAMER\nOur policy is, we're comfortable with\nour bodies. You know, if someone wants\nto help themselves to an eyefull, well,\nwe say, 'Enjoy the show.'\n\nELAINE\nI'm sorry I can't stay for the... second\nact.\n\nJerry pulls a stub of paper out of his wallet.\n\nJERRY\nHey, George. Here's the model number\non that chair, by the way.\n\nKRAMERT\nMmm... Nice wallet.\n\nNEWMAN\nWallet.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nKramer showing Jerry the contents of his pocket\n\nKRAMER\nNobody carries wallets anymore. I mean,\nthey went out with powdered wigs. Yeah,\nsee here's what you need. Just a couple\nof cards and your bankroll.\n\nSee, keep the big bills on the outside.\n\nJERRY\nThat's a five.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm on the Mexican, whoa ohh, radio...\n\nSilvio coming up behind Kramer\n\nSILVIO\nEh, what are you doing?\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Silvio. Yeah, I'm reversing my\npeephole.\n\nSILVIO\nHey, you know you gotta get permission\nfrom me. I'm the super. Who said you\ncould do that?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, who says I can do any of the things\nI do in my place?\n\nSILVIO\nLike what?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I... uh, nothing. No, I'll, um,\nI'll switch it back.\n\nSILVIO\nNo, no, no, no. No, that's all right.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, that's good. Because, uh, Newman\nand I--\n\nSILVIO\nNewman? He did this, too?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, yeah.\n\nSILVIO\nI deal with him.\n\nGeorge showing Jerry a newspaper ad.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, look at this. This is the same\nmassage chair we're gettin' for Joe\nMayo, $60 cheaper.\n\nJERRY\nExcept the store's in Delaware.\n\nGEORGE\nI'll have 'em overnight it.\n\nJERRY\nMaybe cheapness is a sense. You know\nit is better without this big wallet.\nIt's more comfortable.\n\nGEORGE\nIt doesn't matter if it's more comfortable.\nIt's wrong.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nGeorge pulling out his wallet.\n\nGEORGE\nBecause important things go in a case.\nYou got a skull for your brain, a plastic\nsleeve for your comb, and a wallet for\nyour money.\n\nJerry holding up a hamburger while holding George's wallet.\n\nJERRY\nBut look at this thing. It's-it's huge.\nYou got more cow here than here.\n\nGEORGE\nI need everything in there.\n\nJerry looking through George's wallet\n\nJERRY\nIrish money?\n\nGEORGE\nI might go there.\n\nJERRY\nShow this card at any participating\nOrlando-area Exxon station...to get\nyour free 'Save the Tiger' poster.\n\nGeorge grabbing back his wallet.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, just gimme that. And gimme\nsome of those Sweet & Lows.\n\n(Newman walks up to Kramer's door, looks into his reverse peephole,\nand sees Kramer, wearing an open shirt, scratching his stomach\nwith a backscratcher, with\n\nopera music playing in the background. Newman knocks on the door,\nand Kramer startingly peers into his reverse peephole)\n\nKRAMER\nWho is it?\n\nNEWMAN\nIt's Newman.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat do you want? I'm in the middle\nof something.\n\nNEWMAN\nI can't believe I'm being evicted.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat? What are you talking about?\n\nNEWMAN\nThe reverse peepholes. Silvio said I'm\nan agitator and I'm out of the building.\n\nKRAMER\nNo. No, he can't do that.\n\nNEWMAN\nI'm homeless! I'm gonna be out on a\nstreet corner, dancing for nickels.\nI'll be with the hobos in the trainyard,\neating out of a bucket.\n\nKRAMER\nCome on, we'll go and talk to him, and\nwe'll straighten this thing out.\n\n(Kramer closes his door behind him to go with Newman, when Newman\nsees that he's still wearing his open shirt)\n\nNEWMAN\nUh, you, uh, you better put something\non.\n\nJerry, at Joe Mayo's party with George.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, I am loving this no wallet thing.\n\nGEORGE\nA man carries a wallet.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, the very fact that you oppose\nthis makes me think I'm onto something.\n\nJoe Mayo, coming up to George and Jerry.\n\nJOE MAYO\nHey, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHey, Joe Mayo. Nice place.\n\nJOE MAYO\nThanks. George, can you do me a favor\nand stay by the phone in case anybody\ncalls and needs directions?\n\nGeorge tossing his coat on a chair.\n\nGEORGE\nLove to.\n\nJOE MAYO\nThanks. Jerry...\n\nJERRY\nMusic?\n\nJOE MAYO\nActually, can you keep an eye on the\naquarium and make sure nobody taps on\nthe glass?\n\nJERRY\nBut I could do that and the music.\n\nJOE MAYO\nOh, no, don't worry about the music.\nJust... have fun!\n\nJERRY\nI was ready to get jiggy with it.\n\nElaine entering the party with Puddy who's wearing his fur coat.\n\nPUDDY\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey, Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nHey. I think you know Dr... Zaius.\n\nJerry showcasing his no-wallet look.\n\nJERRY\nSo, Elaine, notice anything different\nabout my... pants?\n\nElaine eyeing Jerry patheticall, then turning to George.\n\nELAINE\nSo, George... did you get the chair?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I don't have it yet.\n\nJERRY\nSo, we're givin' him nothing?\n\nGeorge pulling out a picture of the chair.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, I brought a picture of the chair.\n\nJERRY\nDid you at least get him a card?\n\nGEORGE\nI thought we'd all sign the picture.\n\nJoe Mayo walking up to the gang with an armload of guests' coats.\n\nJOE MAYO\nElaine...\n\nELAINE\nHey, Joe Mayo.\n\nJOE MAYO\nI need you to be in charge of coats.\n\nElaine being given all the coats and Puddy's fur coat thrown\non top.\n\nELAINE\nOh, fantastic.\n\nJOE MAYO\nAnd Puddy, can you make sure no one\nputs a drink on my...sound system?\n\nPUDDY\nSure thing, Joe Mayo.\n\nJerry over by the aquarium talking to a girl.\n\nJERRY\nHi, I'm Jerry. How do you like my pants?\n\nKERI\nNice.\n\nJERRY\n(talking to George) It's working. (to\nthe girl, who's tapping on the aquarium)\nDon't tap on the glass.\n\nGEORGE\n(answering the phone while walking away)\nJoe Mayo's apartment?\n\nPUDDY\n(standing guard by the stereo as George\nwalks by him) Hey! Cocktail off the\nspeaker.\n\n(Putting the coats on a bed, Elaine sees the window, opens it,\nand throws Puddy's coat out)\n\nELAINE\nGoodbye, Dr. Zaius.\n\nSilvio with his wife, Kramer, and Newman in Jerry's apartment.\n\nSILVIO\nWhy are we in Jerry's apartment?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I, uh, I like to think of this\nas my conference room. Yeah, it has\na more formal atmosphere, you know,\nwith the shelves, and the furniture.\n\nSILVIO\nMake it quick Kramer, my wife and I\nare about to go bowling.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, well, um, Newman thinks that you,\nuh, evicted him?\n\nSILVIO\nI did. I don't like Mr. Newman. He is\nan agitator.\n\nKRAMER\nLook... I've known Newman all my life,\nin the building, and you're all wrong\nabout him. He's a model tenant. Portly,\nyes, but smart as a whip.\n\nSILVIO\nOK, on your word he can stay.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right.\n\nSILVIO\nBut... I'm gonna keep my eye on him.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you won't regret it.\n\n(Kramer looks up at Newman and he sees him close to kissing Silvio's\nwife. Silvio, sees the cigar fall right out of Kramer's mouth.\n\nSILVIO\nWhat's wrong?\n\n(Kramer hurriedly picks the cigar up, but puts the wrong end\nin his mouth, burning his tongue, and quickly replacing it the\nright way in his mouth)\n\nJOE MAYO\nElaine, thanks for coming.\n\nELAINE\nGood working with you.\n\nPuddy coming up to them in his fur coat ready to go.\n\nPUDDY\nAll right, let's hit the bricks.\n\nElaine sees Puddy still having a coat.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJOE MAYO\nHey, I got a coat just like this!\n\nELAINE\nOh. Uhhh...\n\nElaine at Monk's with George and Jerry.\n\nELAINE\nSo Joe Mayo had the same coat.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd you threw it out the window?\n\nELAINE\nMm-hmm.\n\nGEORGE\nGod, you're like a rock star.\n\nELAINE\nSo now Joe Mayo wants me to buy him\na new coat.\n\nJERRY\nBecause you threw it out.\n\nELAINE\nNo, because I was in charge of the coats.\nIt's... insane.\n\nJERRY\nBut you did actually throw his coat\nout the window.\n\nELAINE\nBut he doesn't know that. As far as\nhe knows, somebody stole it, and that's\nthe person who should be responsible.\n\nJERRY\nBut that's you.\n\nELAINE\nSo I guess I'll have to buy him a new\ncoat, even though I don't think I should\nbe held responsible, which I am anyway.\n\nGeorge, taking out his wallet to pay the check.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I'm satisfied. Uh...my back is...killing\nme.\n\nJERRY\nOf course. Because of that wallet. You-you\ngot a filing cabinet under half of your\nass.\n\nGeorge replacing his wallet in his pocket.\n\nGEORGE\nThis...is an organizer, a secretary,\nand a friend.\n\nELAINE\nLook at you. You're on a slant.\n\nGEORGE\nHere, just give me a couple of napkins.\n\n(He pulls some napkins out of the dispenser, puts them in his\nother back pocket, and becomes un-slanted)\n\nGEORGE\nThere, there I'm fine.\n\n(Suddenly, half of George's body falls with a crunch sound, as\nhe becomes slanty the other way now)\n\nJERRY\nWhat was that?\n\nGEORGE\nI think I had some hard candy in there.\n\nGeorge sees the delivery man bringing the massage chair into\nhis apartment.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, no, this is supposed to go to Joe\nMayo's apartment.\n\nGeorge sits down in the chair.\n\nGEORGE\nAhhh. How does this thing work?\n\nGeorge turns the chair on.\n\nGEORGE\nAhhhhh...\n\nDELIVERY MAN\nSir, do you want me to deliver this\nto your friend's place or not?\n\nGEORGE\nAhhhhh...\n\nKeri meeting Jerry on the street.\n\nKERI\nReady to go?\n\nJERRY\nAll set. I can't believe I'm going dancing.\n\nKERI\nYou don't go that often?\n\nJERRY\nNo, because it's so stupid. Shall we?\n\nKeri handing him a bunch of miscellaneous items that would seem\nto normally go in her purse.\n\nKERI\nDo me a favor. Can you hold this stuff\nfor me?\n\nJERRY\nCompact, lipstick, all this?\n\nKeri, handing him a gigantic ring of keys.\n\nKERI\nAnd can you help to carry my keys?\n\nJerry looks at the keys.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you, a medieval dungeon master?\n\nKeri, handing him another item as she starts to walk down the\nstreet.\n\nKERI\nAnd a tin of altoids.\n\nJerry puts it all in his pocket and then trying to catch up to\nher\n\nJERRY\nOw! Sharp key.\n\nKramer walks on the street with Newman\n\nKRAMER\nSo, you're sleeping with Silvio's wife?\n\nNEWMAN\nWell, there's very little sleeping going\non.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, why didn't you tell me about this?\n\nNEWMAN\nQuite frankly, I don't see how it's\nany of your business.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, it's my business now. Look, I\nstuck up for you. Man, if he catches\nyou, we're both out.\n\nNewman stops under a tree on the street and looking up into it.\n\nNEWMAN\nHey, what is that up that tree?\n\nKRAMER\nHoooh! Man, that looks like a dead bear.\n\nNEWMAN\nNo, that's a fur coat! Hey, uh, give\nme a boost.\n\nKramer boosting Newman into the tree.\n\nKRAMER\nMan, where did you learn to climb trees\nlike that?\n\nNEWMAN\nThe Pacific Northwest.\n\nElaine with Jerry at his apartment.\n\nELAINE\nSo, you had to carry some of Keri's\nstuff. Big deal.\n\nJERRY\nYou don't understand. I went on a successful\npocket diet, and I want to keep that\nweight off.\n\nElaine making a bowl of cereal.\n\nELAINE\nYou know what? We sell this thing at\nPeterman that would be perfect for you.\n\nJERRY\nNot more of that crap from the Titanic?\n\nELAINE\nNo. No. It's a small men's carryall.\n\nJERRY\nI'm not carrying a purse.\n\nElaine sits down at the table to eat her cereal.\n\nELAINE\nIt's not a purse. It's European.\n\nJerry sits down with Elaine.\n\nJERRY\nOh.\n\nELAINE\nHey, did George buy Joe Mayo that chair\nyet?\n\nJerry dialing his phone.\n\nJERRY\nI don't know.\n\nELAINE\nIf I'm gettin' him a new fur, I'm not\nchippin' in on a gift, too.\n\nGeorge answering his phone, while still using the massage chair.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah?\n\nJERRY\nHey, George, did you get Joe Mayo that\nchair yet?\n\nGEORGE\nNot yet. Oh! Ho ho! God...\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's in... transit.\n\nELAINE\nDid he get it?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nELAINE\nMmm, good. Tell him I'm out.\n\nGeorge (hearing Elaine over the phone) What, she's out?\n\nJERRY\nWell, so what? You're gettin' a deal,\nright? We'll split it three ways.\n\nGEORGE\nAllllll right!\n\nJERRY\nWhat is that noise?\n\nJERRY\nYou know, sometimes I get the feeling\nGeorge isn't being completely honest\nwith me.\n\nKramer enters Jerry's apartment and handing Jerry back his pliers.\n\nKRAMER\nHey. Oh, uh, yeah. Uh, here are your\npliers back....Weak hinge.\n\nELAINE\nWell, I guess I better go and price\nfur coats.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, go down to 88th Street. They're\nfree.\n\nELAINE\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, they're hanging from the trees.\nYou know, Newman found one there yesterday.\nMan, that guy can climb like a ring-tailed\nlemur!\n\nElaine pushing Kramer in her 'get-out!' style.\n\nELAINE\n88th Street? That's where Joe Mayo lives.\nThat's the coat!\n\nJERRY\nWhat was that pop sound?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I had some hard candy in there.\n\nNewman enters Elaine's apartment.\n\nNEWMAN\nSo, to what do I owe this unusual invitation?\n\nElaine taking his coat and then throwing it on the floor.\n\nELAINE\nCome in, come in.\n\nNEWMAN\nAhh! This is very much as I imagined\nit to be. Aside from this rattan piece,\nwhich seems oddly out of place.\n\nELAINE\nPlease, sit down. Newman, um, I wanted\nto talk to you about something.\n\nNEWMAN\nThis isn't about my opening your mail?\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nNEWMAN\nBecause I don't, never have, anything\nI read was already open.\n\nELAINE\nUh, yeah, uh, no. Newman, uh, I heard\nthat you found a fur coat in a tree.\nAnd, I believe that it belongs to a\nfriend of mine, and I'd like to give\nit back to him.\n\nNEWMAN\nSorry. Climbers, keepers.\n\nELAINE\nYou know, Newmie. Um, I know how you\nfeel about me, and I have to tell you,\nI'm quite flattered.\n\nNEWMAN\nYou are?\n\nELAINE\nOh, yeah. I mean, of all the men that\nI know, you're the only one who's held\ndown a steady job for several years.\n\nNEWMAN\nWell, it's-it's interesting work, I\ndon't mind it.\n\nELAINE\nHa ha ha ha.\n\nNEWMAN\nDon't you have a-a boyfriend? A, uh,\nburly, athletic type?\n\nELAINE\nUh, don't worry, he's cool.\n\nNEWMAN\nCool?\n\nELAINE\nVery cool. So, what do you say? Can\nyou do this one little favor, Newmie?\n\nNEWMAN\nOh, how I've waited for this moment.\nBut alas, my heart belongs to another\nman's wife, and I have given the coat\nto her.\n\nELAINE\nAll right, we're done here.\n\nNEWMAN\nFor I am in love with Svetlana, and\nI don't care if the whole world knows,\nexcept for Silvio, who would throw me\nout of the apartment, where I would\nbe\n\ndancing on the sidewalk--\n\nELAINE\nThank you, thank you, thank you very\nmuch.\n\nKeri putting her things into Jerry's carryal.\n\nKERIL\nNice carryall.\n\nJERRY\nIt's European.\n\nKERI\nDo you still have my lipstick?\n\nJERRY\nUh, yeah, I think I do. I can never\nfind anything in here. Ah, here it is.\nSo, that Joe Mayo throws the worst parties,\ndoesn't he? So what was your job?\n\nKERI\nMy job was to keep you away from the\nmusic.\n\nJERRY\nWhat, he doesn't like my taste in music?\n\nKERI\nGuess not.\n\nJERRY\nYou should've been there last year.\nI got jiggy with it!\n\nSilvio, running up and knocking on Kramer's door.\n\nSILVIO\nKramer! It's Silvio! Open up, I need\nto talk to you! I can see you through\nthe reverse peephole.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Silvio!\n\nSilvio holding up a fur coat.\n\nSILVIO\nLook at this.\n\nKRAMER\nHuh?\n\nSILVIO\nSvetlana says she find it in the laundry\nroom, but I think it is a gift from\nthat postman agitator. Where is he?\n\nKRAMER\nRelax, Silvio.\n\nSILVIO\nNo, that's it. You're both out of the\nbuilding!\n\nKRAMER\nOh, come on! Hey, Newman didn't even\ngive her that! No, that's not even a\nwoman's coat. It's a man's!\n\nSILVIO\nA man's?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nSILVIO\nWhat kind of a man would wear fur?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, lots of 'em.\n\nSILVIO\nWould you?\n\nKRAMER\nNo.\n\nSILVIO\nThen who?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat about Jerry?\n\nSILVIO\nJerry?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, sure, he's a celebrity. Oh, yeah,\nthey wear a lot of furs. They're desperate,\ninsecure people.\n\nSILVIO\nYes, you are right. It's all about,\nme, me, me. Please, look at me! I am\nso pretty! Love me! Want me!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, something like that.\n\nJerry in his apartment with Kramer.\n\nJERRY\nI have to do what?\n\nKRAMER\nAll you have to do is wear the fur so\nSilvio thinks it's yours.\n\nJERRY\nI'm not wearing the fur.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, then, Newman and I, we get thrown\nout of the building.\n\nJERRY\nIs that right?\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, why don't you just take a\ngood, hard look at what your life will\nbe like if I'm not around?\n\nJERRY\nNewman, too?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, come on, man! Well, I'll tell you\nwhat, if you do this, I'll give you\nthat walkman you're always asking about.\n\nJERRY\nThat's my walkman!\n\nKRAMER\nAnd you'll get it back.\n\nJERRY\nAll right.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right. Good, thanks, I owe you one.\n\nGEORGE\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, hey, and by the way, uh, that walkman\nwas broke when you gave it to me.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, did you get that chair yet?\n\nGEORGE\nIt gets here when it gets here. Would\nyou stop ridin' me?\n\nJERRY\nYou know what? Just call up and cancel\nit. I'm out.\n\nGEORGE\nExcuse me?\n\nJERRY\nJoe Mayo doesn't like my taste in music.\nHe's not gettin' a gift from me.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, I can't believe you're dropping\nout, too. So now Kramer and I have to\npay for the entire gift?\n\nKRAMER\nWhoa, whoa. Now, who's this Joe Mayo\neveryone's talking about?\n\nGEORGE\nHe's the guy we're the buying the chair\nfor, remember? It was your suggestion.\n\nKRAMER\nI think the chair is a fantastic gift\nidea. But I never heard of this Joe\nMayo. And frankly, it sounds made up.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, so now I have to buy this whole\nchair by myself?\n\nJERRY\nNo, you don't have to buy anything.\n\nGEORGE\nI already bought it! I've been lyin'\nto you for three days, and now you're\nall screwin' me!\n\nJERRY\nI don't understand. Why didn't you tell\nus you had it?\n\nGEORGE\nI needed it! My back is... a little\ntweaked.\n\nJERRY\nBecause of your giant wallet. Just get\nrid of it!\n\nGEORGE\nNever! It is a part of me. I will just\nreturn the chair, and it will be easy,\nbecause the receipt is in my good friend.\n\nJERRY\nYour good friend is morbidly obese.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, at least, I'm not carrying a purse.\n\nJERRY\nIt's not a purse. It's European!\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, Silvio's down there. He's\nshoveling the walk. Now, all you gotta\ndo is put this on, you go down to the\ncorner, you pick up a paper, and you\ncome\n\nright back.\n\nJERRY\nAll right.\n\nKramer puts the coat on Jerry.\n\nKRAMER\nThere you go.\n\nJERRY\nHow do I look?\n\nKRAMER\nAhh....\n\nGeorge pulls down a tab from an ad he sees on the street.\n\nGEORGE\nLearn guitar, first lesson free? Huh.\n\n(George puts the stub of paper in his wallet, and tries to close\nit, everything inside it flies out as the whole wallet explodes)\n\nGEORGE\nMy receipts! The chair! My tiger poster!\n\nJERRY\nHey, Silvio, just out for a little stroll\nin my favorite fur coat.\n\nSILVIO\nThat is your coat?\n\nJERRY\nIt sure is.\n\nSILVIO\nKramer says you need it because you're\nan entertainer and you're desperate\nfor attention.\n\nJERRY\nThat's true.\n\nKramer giving Jerry his carryal.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, you forgot your purse.\n\nJERRY\nOh, thanks.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Silvio, look at Jerry here, prancing\naround in his coat with his purse. Yup,\nhe's a dandy. He's a real fancy boy.\n\nJERRY\nMaybe this isn't my coat.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, you're not fancy!\n\nSILVIO\nNo, he's very fancy! Want me, love me!\nShower me with kisses!\n\nElaine, coming up to them on the street.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, where'd you get it? That's his\ncoat.\n\nJERRY\nNo, it's not. It's mine. I'm a fancy\nboy.\n\nELAINE\nNo, that's not your coat.\n\nSILVIO\nIf that is not his coat, whose coat\nis it?\n\nELAINE\nIt's Joe Mayo's coat.\n\nSILVIO\nWho's Joe Mayo?\n\nKRAMER\nThat must be the man that's sleeping\nwith your wife.\n\n(A pickpocket runs by, taking Jerry's carryall, while everyone\nyells in surprise)\n\nJERRY\nHey! Officer! Someone took my European\ncarryall!\n\nCOP\nYour what?\n\nJERRY\nThe...black, leather...thing with a\nstrap.\n\nCOP\nYou mean a purse?\n\nJERRY\nYes, a purse. I carry a purse!\n\nJerry, on the phone with Elaine putting his things back into\nhis wallet\n\nJERRY\nSo, Silvio ambushed Joe Mayo?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, he was waitin' inside his apartment\nfor him with a sock full of pennies.\n\nJERRY\nHe should have had a reverse peephole.\n\nPuddy entering Elaine's apartment in a new bright, multi-colored\nleather coat.\n\nPUDDY\nHey, Babe.\n\nElaine hangs up the phone to talk to Puddy.\n\nJERRY\nHello? Hello?\n\nELAINE\nWhat is that?\n\nPUDDY\nIt's my new coat.\n\nELAINE\nYou ditched the fur?\n\nPUDDY\nYeah, I saw Jerry wearing his. He looked\nlike a bit of a dandy. Check it out!\n8-Ball! You got a question, you ask\nthe 8-Ball.\n\nELAINE\nYou're gonna wear this all the time?\n\nPUDDY\nAll signs point to 'Yes!'\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Cartoon.html",
    "text": "THE CARTOON\n\nWritten by\n\nBruce Eric Kaplan\n\n(Some street, Jerry and Kramer walking)\n\nJERRY\nSo you're saying UNICEF is a scam?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's the perfect cover for a money laundering\noperation. No one can keep track of all those\nkids with the little orange boxes of change.\n\nJERRY\nOh! No it's Sally Weaver.\n\nWe see Sally from a distance.\n\nKRAMER\nOh! Yeah your old college roommate huh?\n\nJERRY\nNo, It's Susan Ross's old college roommate;\nshe moved to New York a few years ago\n. she's trying to become an actress.\n\nKRAMER\nHmmm, Dramatica comedia heh!\n\nJERRY\nUntalented, She's always inviting me\nto see her in some bad play in tiny\nroom without ventilation.\n\nIt's really depressing.\n\nKRAMER\nEuh.. We don't go to enough theater.\n\nJERRY\nShe should just give up.\n\nShe recognizes them.\n\nJERRY\nHeeyyy!...\n\nSALLY\nHey there Mr. Too big to come to my\nshows. I just came back. Whooo.....I'm\non my way to an audition...\nstill waiting for that big break.\n\nKRAMER\nWhy don't you just give up?\n\nJERRY\nKramer!!!\n\nKRAMER\nAt least that's what Jerry says. Now\nface it. If it hasn't happen it's not\ngonna happen.\n\nAll right, we go grab some bouffe . Join us?\n\nKramer leaves both Sally and Jerry speechless\n\nJERRY\nSo......Susan's dead.....\n\nAt Monk's\n\nKRAMER\nI think she was happy someone finally\nsaid it.\n\nJERRY\nWhy'd you have to say anything to her?\n\nKRAMER\n'felt that the conversation was lagging.\n\nJERRY\nWhy can't you ever keep your big mouth\nshut?\n\nKRAMER\nI come in here to get a pleasant meal\nand if we're not gonna have one I'll\ngrab a bite to eat at your\n\nplace.\n\nPushes Jerry out of the booth and leaves.\n\nELAINE\nYou know, maybe Kramer is right, some\npeople should just give up . I have.\n\nJERRY\nWhat did you wanna be?\n\nELAINE\nI don't remember, but it certainly\nwasn't this. Look at this cartoon in\nthe New Yorker, I don't get\n\nthis.\n\nJERRY\nI don't either.\n\nELAINE\nAnd you're on the fringe of the humor\nbusiness.\n\nGeorge comes in\n\nGEORGE\nHey!\n\nELAINE\nHey! George look at this.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's cute.\n\nELAINE\nYou got it?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, never mind.\n\nELAINE\nCome on, We're two intelligent people\nhere. We can figure this out. Now we\ngot a dog and a cat in\n\nan office.\n\nJERRY\nIt looks like my accountant's office\nbut there's no pets working there.\n\nELAINE\nThe cat is saying \" I've enjoyed reading\nyour E-mail\".\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe it's got something to do with\nthat 42 in the corner .\n\nELAINE\nIt's a page number.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I can't crack this one.\n\nELAINE\nAahh! this has got to be a mistake.\n\nGEORGE\ntry shaking it...(long pause) Well,Janet\nshould be here any minute.\n\nJERRY\nYou've been hiding her from us. you\nmust really like her?\n\nGEORGE\nAah! the minute I saw this girl, we\njust clicked. She's got such a nice\nface. hummmm her eyes, her\n\nmouth, nose\n\nELAINE\nWe know what a face consists of.\n\nJanet arrives\n\nJanet; I'm sorry I'm late.\n\nGeorge; Jerry, Elaine, I give you.. Janet.\n\nJANET\nNice to meet you.\n\nELAINE\nHi!\n\nJanet; Do we still have time to make the movie?\n\nGeorge; Oh! euh.. Yeah We just can't go to the supermarket to\nget some candy.\n\nGeorge goes to the cashier and empties out the candy bowl,they\nleave.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, She looks exactly like you.\n\nJERRY\nShe does not.\n\nELAINE\nWell maybe she doesn't, I don't care.\n\nTo Jerry's place, Kramer is already there making himself a lunch.\n\nJERRY\nHey! Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nhey! you got some messages.. Yeahumm..\n.George, George, Elaine, George again,\nElaine, Newman; but that was a crank\ncall.\n\nand some Sally woman called said \"Thanks a lot, she's quitting\nthe business, you ruined her life.\n\nJERRY\nWhat! You're the one who ruined her\nlife.\n\nKRAMER\nWell that's not how she remembers it.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I got to talk her out of this.\n\nKramer; I thought you said she stinks\n\nJERRY\nShe does stink and she should quit.\nBut I don't want it to be because of\nme. It should be the\n\ntraditional route; years of rejections and failures till she's\nspit out the bottom of the porn industry.\n\nDoor buzzer rings\n\nJERRY\nYeah...\n\nGEORGE\nHey! George and Janet.\n\nKRAMER\nAahh...Who's Janet?\n\nJERRY\nGeorge's girlfriend, Elaine thinks\nshe looks like me but I think it's as\nyou would say,kookie talk.\n\nKramer; You know what woman I always thought you looked like;\nLeena Horne.\n\nALL\nHey, Hey!\n\nKRAMER\nAnd you must....look exactly like Jerry.\nYou don't see this; you're like twins\n.. WOoooohhhhh!!!\n\nthis is eerie.\n\nGEORGE\nKramer, what are you talking about...Janet\ndoesn't look anything like Jerry\n\nJANET\nwell maybe we do look a little like\neach other.\n\nGEORGE\nNo..hummm, What do you know about what\nyou look like.\n\nKRAMER\nC'mon George relax . Just because they\nlook alike doesn't mean you're secretly\nin love with Jerry.\n\nGeorge; (nervous) All right now we're going bye bye.\n\nJANET\nWe just got here George\n\nGEORGE\nWell,,, it's getting dark.\n\nThey leave.\n\nKRAMER\nyeah, she's a nice girl, kinda quiet\nthough.\n\nJerry slaps him in the back.\n\nJERRY\nWhat are you doing? Don't tell a woman\nshe looks like a man and George doesn't\nwant to hear his\n\ngirlfriend looks like me and frankly neither do I\n\nKRAMER\nWell how should I have \"broached the\nsubject\"\n\nJERRY\nYou don't broach, you keep your mouth\nshut.\n\nKRAMER\nWell sounds like someone's having a\nbad day.\n\nJERRY\nYeah! Because of you.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I think one of us should leave.\n\nThey stare at each other for a while, then the scene cuts to\nMonks.\n\nJERRY\nSally,you can't quit the business.\nThis is all because of me.\n\nSALLY\n(nods) Hehumm!!\n\nJERRY\nYou can't give up. You don't think people\ntell me I stink?\n\nWhen I'm on stage that's all I hear; You stink, You suck. We\nlike magic.\n\nSALLY\nReally?\n\nJERRY\nOf course, I stink, you stink. It's\nshow bizz. everybody stinks..\n\nSALLY\nYeah! You've been stinking since the\nEighties.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, I think we've covered my\nact. Now you get out there and stink\nit up with\n\neverybody else.\n\nSALLY\nRight!, Yesss!! Thank you I'm gonna\ndo it. (starts to eat her food)\n\nJERRY\nNOW!!!!.... ( she leaves in a hurry)\n\nBack to Jerry's place, evening.\n\nELAINE\nWell I've asked every one at work and\nnobody gets this cartoon. I mean I don't\nunderstand why\n\nno one can explain it, but I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.\n\nJERRY\nOh! I think we're at the bottom.\n\nELAINE\n(to George who just came in) Hey! George\n, Janet looks very nice and she's quite\na handsome\n\nwoman.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat does that mean?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. What does that mean?\n\nGEORGE\n(to Jerry) What do you mean by that?\n\nELAINE\nEnjoy. ( she leaves)\n\nJerry; Elaine huh?.. She's completely..\n\nGEORGE\nOh! I know....'Cos you don't think Janet?..\n\nJERRY\nNo....\n\nGEORGE\nWhy would I...\n\nJerry; It's ludicrous..\n\nGEORGE\nYes.\n\nJERRY\nFor either one of us..\n\nGEORGE\nNo...\n\nJerry; So...\n\nGEORGE\nExactly.\n\nJERRY\nI'm not gay.\n\nGEORGE\n...neither am I.\n\nBOTH\nKramer, Kramer, get in here.\n\nGEORGE\nWhere's the crazy man, Come on up.\n\nJERRY\nCome on in here.\n\nAS Kramer steps out and comes in\n\nGEORGE\nHaaaaaa!!!\n\nJERRY\nWhat's happening? What, you doing,\ncome and talk to us.\n\nKRAMER\nI've made an important life decision.\n\nJERRY\nLets talk about that.\n\nGEORGE\nDon't leave (George slams the door)\n\nKRAMER\nAw right. I know I've been shooting\noff at the mouth lately; First with\nthat girl whose life\n\nyou destroyed and.. emm...about George dating a lady Jerry\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's the decision?\n\nKRAMER\nI know you want me to keep my big mouth\nshut and that's exactly what I'm going\nto do.\n\nI'm never gonna talk again.\n\nJERRY\nYeah right.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat do I need to talk for.. ha!, For\nto blab to the neighbors about George\nhas a new fem-Jerry\n\nfriend or to tell everybody at the coffee shop ho George is all\nmixed up in a perverse sexual amalgam of\n\nsome girl and his best friend.\n\nSee now, I've done all that.....Now it's time for silence.\n\nGEORGE\nSilence YES!!\n\nJerry; Kramer you're never gonna be able to completely stop talking.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, ninety four percent of communications\nis non-verbal. Here watch.\n\nKramer does mimics but you can make out somebody angry saying\n\"What are you talking about, twice and then some crying)\n\nJERRY\nWell what does this mean?\n\nKRAMER\nWell it's Frank and Estelle's reaction\nof hearing George's man love towards\nshe-Jerry.\n\nGEORGE\n(frantic by now) SHUT UP,SHUT UP,\nSHUT UP,...(then leaves)\n\nKRAMER\nThat's the idea.\n\nJERRY\nKramer there's no way you stick to this.\n\nKRAMER\n(makes a zipper gesture to his mouth)\n..Weeeeeepp!!\n\nJERRY\nOh! you just startin' now?\n\nKramer; that's right......Aye oooh!! ...Right now.\n\nKramer turns abruptly and hit his knees on the coffee table\n\nKramer Ouch!!..........Now!!\n\nNext day at the New Yorker\n\nMR. ELINOFF\nSo, J. Peterman wants to hire some of\nour cartoonists to illustrate your catalog?\n\nELAINE\nWell we're hoping that if perhaps that\nthe catalog is a little funnier,people\n\nwon't be so quick to return the clothes ha ha....For example..\nI..I really do....Well I love this one\n\nElaine shows him the cartoon\n\nMR. ELINOFF\nOh! yeah... That's a rather clever jab\nat inter office politics don't you think.\n\nELAINE\nAhan, Ahan....yeah...Euh but, Why is\nit that the, that the animals enjoy\nreading the email?\n\nMR. ELINOFF\nWell Miss Benes . Cartoons are like\ngossamer and one doesn't dissect gossamer.\nheh..hemm..\n\nElaine; Well you don't have to dissect if you can just tell me.\nWhy this is suppose to be funny?\n\nMR. ELINOFF\nHa! It's merely a commentary on contemporary\nmores. (slides the magazine to her)\n\nELAINE\nBut, what is the comment. (she slides\nthe magazine back to him)\n\nMR. ELINOFF\nIt's a slice of life.\n\nELAINE\nNo it isn't.\n\nMR. ELINOFF\nPun?\n\nELAINE\nI don,t think so.\n\nMR ELINOFF\nVorshtein?\n\nELAINE\nThat's not a word.....You have no idea\nwhat this means do you?\n\nMR ELINOFF\nNo.\n\nELAINE\nThen why did you print it.\n\nMR. ELINOFF\nI liked the kitty.\n\nELAINE\n(gets up) You know what? you people\nshould be ashamed of yourself, you know\nya doodle a couple of bears\n\nat a cocktail party talking about the stock market. You think\nyou're doing comedy.\n\nMR. ELINOFF\nActually that's not bad..\n\nELAINE\nOh! really (laughs) well you know.....\nI have others\n\nCuts to the Samuel Beckett Theatre\n\nJerry; Sally, I can't believe you're already doing a One-woman\nshow?\n\nSALLY\nNo, no.. It's just a little performance\npiece I wrote... You know what? You\nreally inspired me,oKay, a tear.\n\nKramer joins Jerry just as the show starts\n\nJERRY\nAh! There you are.( Kramer motions silence)\n\nJerry; Aw.. right, code of silence.. how's that going?....Ha!!...\n\nApplause, Sally starts her show\n\nSALLY\nHi everybody think you're really going\nto like this 'cos it' about me...All\nright it's not just about me\n\nIt's about me and this guy; Jerry Seinfeld. who I like to call;\nThe Devil...Okay, Okay so.. I run into this\n\nJerry on the street and he says to me \" Sally, You stink, You\nshould give up acting.\" Oh! I'm doing\n\nJerry Now so you've got imagine I have ; horns, a tail and hooks\ninstead of feet. ( big laughs from the\n\naudience and Kramer is cracking up)\n\nJERRY\n( to Kramer) Oh! Shut up!!!\n\nNext day at Jerry's\n\nELAINE\nShe does a full hour about how you're\nthe devil .I got to go see this thing.\n\nJERRY\nGood luck, It's sold out for the next\nthree weeks.\n\nELAINE\nWell I bet I can get in once I mention\nI'm from ...The New Yorker.\n\nJERRY\nThe New Yorker?\n\nELAINE\nYes, The New Yorker, I've met with\ntheir cartoon editor and I got him to\nadmit that that cartoon\n\n...MADE NO SENSE....\n\nJERRY\nWow! Good work, Nancy Drew\n\nELAINE\nThen we ended up going out to lunch\nand he had some great gossip about James\nThurber.\n\nJERRY\nNodding off...\n\nELAINE\n....And he said I could submit some\nof my own cartoons.\n\nJERRY\nWow! that's incredible......But you\ndon't draw.\n\nELAINE\nI do to.\n\nJERRY\nWhat, your sad little horsies, the\nhouse with the little curl of smoke\n, the sunflower with the smiley\n\nface. the transparent cube... ( as she leaves)\n\nELAINE\nIt's better than your drawings of naked\nLois Lane.\n\nJERRY\nWhere did you see that? Those are private!!!\n\nBack to Monks, same day\n\nSALLY\nJerry, sorry I'm late. Channel Nine\nis doing a piece on my show. Isn't that\ngreat? Do you hate me?\n\nJERRY\nNo,no I tought the show was terrific.\nI was just wondering if you have to\nkeep saying Jerry Seinfeld\n\nis the devil.\n\nSALLY\nWell...That is the title.\n\nJERRY\nI know but I thought that maybe you\ncould mention how I apologized then\nencouraged you to stick with it.\n\nSALLY\nYou know I workshopped that and.. SNOOZERS!!!\nhe he he....but I'll tell you what I'll\nthink...\n\nIt's all a journey.\n\nJERRY\nYou got a little shmootz there (picks\nsomething on her sweater)\n\nNewman shyly approaches the table\n\nNEWMAN\nExcuse me Miss Weaver, OH! My god it\nis you! I.. I've seen your show six\ntimes..\n\nJERRY\nWhat a surprise.\n\nNEWMAN\nAahh! You're great,It's great, It's\nso great to see a show that's (looks\nat Jerry) about something.\n\nKramer climbs into a cab\n\nDRIVER\nWhere to?\n\nKramer realizes that he can't talk so quickly gets out of the\ncab.\n\nEvening at Janet's apt.\n\nGEORGE\n(we hear him think) My friends are idiots\n, she doesn't look like Jerry. She doesn't\nlook like anybody.\n\nAnd so what if does look like Jerry,what does that mean?. That\nI could have everything I have with Jerry\n\nbut because it's a woman I could also have sex with her....And\nthat somehow that would be exactly\n\nwhat I always wanted.....She doesn't even look like Jerry..\n\nSALLY\nYou know I really do look like your\nfriend Jerry.\n\nGEORGE\nI know....\n\nBack to Jerry's\n\nTV ANNOUNCER\nThanks for watching Nine News. We leave\nyou tonight with a scene from Sally\nWeavers One woman show.\n\nSALLY\nOk so I go to meet Jerry Seinfeld at\nthis horrible coffee shop right? And\nhe's like \"Hey stop doing\n\nyour show.\" and I'm like, Hello! It's a free country. So then\nhe goes.\" Okay Shmootsie\" and\n\nhe starts pulling at my sweater right?. He's getting, you know,\nHands Across America.\n\nJERRY\nThere really was shmootz on I didn't\ntry to grab her\n\nSALLY\n...And this is what he looks like when\nhe's eating...\n\nJERRY\nGet Out of my House!!.\n\nElaine walks in the door looking terrible\n\nELAINE\nWell boys, I did it. I had to stay up\nall night but I finally came up with\na great New Yorker cartoon.\n\nJERRY\nI'd stayed up all night I'd fixed myself\nup a little before I'd go out.\n\nELAINE\nThat is not the point.\n\nJERRY\nsome mouthwash, a hat, something.\n\nELAINE\nJust read it!\n\nJERRY\n(glances at it) Pretty good.\n\nELAINE\nPretty good? Well uh! This is a gem\n. Kramer look it....(Kramer stays silent).....What?\n\nIt's funny.\n\nJERRY\nIt's a pig at a complain department.\n\nELAINE\nAnd he's saying \" I wish I was taller\"\nha ha. See? that's his complaint.\n\nJERRY\nI get it.\n\nELAINE\nDo you!!!.. because that's not a normal\ncomplaint.\n\nJERRY\nHow 'bout if it was something like \"\nI can't find my receipt my place's a\nstye.\n\nELAINE\nEverything with you has to be so ..\njokey.\n\nJERRY\nI'm a comedian.\n\nELAINE\nI wish I was taller, that's, that's,\nthat's nice. that's real.\n\nJERRY\nWell I got a complaint. This cartoon\nstinks.\n\nELAINE\nI'll tell you who doesn't think it stinks\n, The New Yorker. that's right. They're\npublishing it in their\n\nnext issue. Oh! you know what I just ran into Newman in the hall\nand he said you tried to grope Sally\n\nWeaver.\n\nJERRY\noh! that's it I'm gonna put an end to\nthis.\n\nPicks up a phone and dials Sally's number. Kramer taps on a sheet\nof paper that he gives to Elaine to read.\n\nELAINE\nThe pig says \"my wife is a slut.\"\n\nJERRY\nNow that's a complaint. ...Hello Sally\n, yeah this is Jerry,I just wanted\nto leave you a message that I\n\ncaught your little piece on TV and..\n\nInstant switch to the club where Sally is playing the message\nthat Jerry left on her message.\n\nJERRY\n....I'm getting a little tired of hearing\nhow horrible I am and would appreciate\nit if you would leave\n\nme out of your act all together.\n\nJERRY\n(from the back of the club, leaving)\nThat's it I'm calling in the big guns.\n\nStill Sally's act but seen on his TV back in his apartment.\n\nSALLY\nTo cease and desist on behalf of my\nclient, Jerry Seinfeld. Signed ; Crybaby\nJerry Seinfeld's Lawyer.\n\nOk but I got two words for you Jerry Seinfeld...( censored beep)...You\n\nJERRY\nHow could she say that on TV?.. And\nhow did she get a cable special . I\n've never gotten a\n\ncable special.....well that's it I'm not giving her any more\nmaterial. We are incommunicado.\n\n( to the silent Kramer on the couch beside him) ...Exactly.\n\nAt Peterman's office, next day. Elaine posted her cartoon on\nher door.\n\nELAINE\nCheck it out, from the new issue of\nthe New Yorker...huh!...Funny isn't\nit? ( Dugan shrugs)\n\nLook at it, the pig wants to be taller and what's this guy gonna\nsay?.. he he...Nothin'..he he.\n\nPETERMAN\nElaine, I'm afraid I have incurred yet\nanother flat tire.\n\nELAINE\nCan I fix that after lunch sir?\n\nPETERMAN\nOh! no right away, chop, chop........Oh!\na new cartoon.....\"I wish I was taller\n(hearty laugh)\n\nI'd like to see that complaint get rectified. (more laughs and\nhe leaves)\n\nELAINE\n(to Dugan ) You see? You see? Smart\npeople think this is funny and you want\nto know why?\n\n'Cause I wrote it.\n\nDUGAN\nYou shouldn't make fun of pigs. ( he\nleaves)\n\nPeterman (returns) Flash of lightning Elaine I just realized\nwhy I like this cartoon so much.\n\nELAINE\nOh! Do tell sir?\n\nPeterman It's a Ziggy!\n\nELAINE\nA Ziggy?\n\nPETERMAN\nThat irreverence, that wit I'd recognize\nit anywhere. Some charlatan has stolen\na Ziggy and\n\npassed it off as his own. I can prove it. Quick Elaine, to my\narchives.\n\nIn a restaurant later that evening.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, you know what's great about\nour relationship?...It's not about looks.\n\nJANET\nIt's not?\n\nGeorge; No, Can't be...For instance I remember when we first\nmet, we had a great conversation.\n\nJANET\nI remember you said I was the prettiest\ngirl at the party.\n\nGEORGE\n....But after that we really talked\ndidn't we?\n\nJANET\nWell,you told me how familiar I looked\nand that you must have seen me somewhere\nbefore.\n\nGEORGE\nNa....no ... This relationship he..he..has\ngot to be about something and fast or\nI'm in very\n\nserious and weird trouble....hum What else happened?\n\nJANET\nYou asked for a piece of gum because\nyou thought your breath smelled like\nhummus.\n\nGEORGE\nAw right YES! GUM! Good enough I'll\ntake it.\n\nJANET\nI like gum.\n\nGEORGE\nI do too. you see that's what we're\nabout . You don't remind me of anyone\nand we love gum.\n\nJANET\nI have gum in my hair.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm losin' it\n\nBack to Monks\n\nSally (joining Kramer)Hey! Your Jerry's friend. You're Goofy\n, mind if I sit. My show is going really well.\n\nHave you seen it yet? you should. Everybody else have and you\nknow what? I got recognized the other day,\n\nHow weird is that. I know . At first I liked the attention but\nit's like Whoa!! take three steps back,\n\nGet a life, okay. but then there wouldn't be a Sally Weaver without\nthe fans, know what I mean.\n\nBut who am I? anyway. I mean there's Sally weaver the woman,\nSally Weaver the artist, Sally Weaver the person...\n\nKRAMER\n(loudly) Now you gotta shut up!.....(Sally\nis speechless)...I'm sorry, I..I haven't\nspoken in days.\n\nSALLY\nWell, lay it on me string bean.\n\nJanet's apt. She is in the bedroom.\n\nJANET\nLet me get this gum out of my hair and\nthen I'll be ready for bed.\n\nGEORGE\nOK Look, the gum isn't cutting it for\nme. We need to be about something else...anything..please.\n\nJANET\nGeorge.\n\nGeorge turns around to see Janet with short Jerry like hair and\na jerry like blue shirt.\n\nGEORGE\nYour hair?\n\nJANET\nWell I had to cut the gum out and I\nhad a little trouble getting it even.\nSo why don't you get undressed\n\nGeorge. ( George speeds out the door)\n\nGEORGE\nGeorge is in big trouble....\n\nAt Jerry's the next day.\n\nJERRY\nYou ripped off a Ziggy?\n\nELAINE\nIt must've seeped up my subconscious\n, Puddy has Ziggy bed sheets....D'you\nread the comics today?\n\nJERRY\nI see that Ziggy's back at the complaint\ndepartment.. \"The New Yorker is stealing\nmy ideas.\"\n\nha ha ha See that's funny.....'cause it's real.\n\nKramer comes in\n\nELAINE\nHey look it ;Sally's cable show's on\n( Kramer turns around to leave)\n\nJERRY\nHey! Kramer come on in. You've got to\nwatch this, now she's got nothing.\n\nSALLY\n(on TV) Master of Evil Jerry Seinfeld\nhas broke off all contacts with me.\n\nJERRY\nThat's right sister. Why don't you just\ngive up?\n\nELAINE\nWhy are you yelling at the TV?\n\nSALLY\n..OK get this; I heard he makes his\nbest friend date women that look just\nlike him.Hello issues..\n\nJERRY\nElaine, have you been talking to her?\n\nELAINE\nHey! I'm just a fan..ha ha...\n\nSALLY\nOh and speaking of issues . Guess who\ngot a no-polish manicure and begged\nhis\n\nneighbor not to tell anyone?\n\nJERRY\n( to Kramer) I thought you stopped talking??\n\nKRAMER\n...All right ..Starting now......\n\nCredits\n\nEpilogue at Monks\n\nJERRY\nYou broke up with her just because she\ncut her hair! how short?\n\nGEORGE\nlike that (looking at Jerry)\n\nJERRY\nYou mean like.. ( points to his hair)\n\nGeorge; ..That.\n\nJERRY\nSo she..\n\nGEORGE\nYes..\n\nJERRY\nAnd you don't...\n\nGEORGE\nNooo...\n\nJerry; So...\n\nGEORGE\nExactly..\n\nJERRY\nHmmmm...\n\nGEORGE\nWe...must never ever speak of this again..\n\nJERRY\nNo, no......(long pause . they stare\nat the walls) Hey uh.. you want to see\na movie?\n\nGEORGE\nActually I think I'm gonna take a few\ndays off (starts to leave)\n\nJERRY\nI think that's for the best.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Strong-Box.html",
    "text": "THE STRONG BOX\n\nWritten by\n\nDan O'Keefe & Billy Kimball\n\nGeorge, drinking tea in his apartment with his girlfriend.\n\nGEORGE\nI-I've given this a lot of thought.\nI'm sorry, but we, uh, we have to break\nup.\n\nMAURA\nNo.\n\nMAURA\nWe're not breaking up.\n\nMAURA\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nShe said no.\n\nJERRY\nWhat did you do?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat could I do? We fooled around and\nwent to a movie.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, both parties don't have to\nconsent to a breakup. It's not like\nyou're launching missiles from a submarine\nand you both have to turn your keys.\nObviously, you didn't make a convincing\ncase. Let me hear your arguments.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I don't really like her.\n\nJERRY\nThat's good.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't find her attractive.\n\nJERRY\nSolid.\n\nGEORGE\nI'd like to sleep with a lot of other\nwomen.\n\nJERRY\nAlways popular.\n\nGEORGE\nSometimes at restaurants she talks\nto her food. 'Oh, Mr. Mashed Potatoes,\nyou are so good.'\n\nJERRY\nYou have an airtight case.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd in bed--\n\nJERRY\nI'm afraid we're out of time.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nCheck these out. These are Jerry Lewis'\nold cufflinks that he actually wore\nin the movie Cinderfella. I got 'em\nat an auction.\n\nGEORGE\nI got some cufflinks I could've loaned\nyou.\n\nJERRY\nNo, Jerry Lewis is gonna be at this\nFriar's Club roast I'm goin' to next\nweek. Now I have an in to strike up\na conversation with him.\n\nGEORGE\nYou already have an in. You have the\nsame first name. Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nOh, that'll intrigue him.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, it worked when I met George Peppard\nlast week.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge Peppard has been dead for years.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, whoever he was, he knew a lot\nabout The A-Team.\n\nbased on the method of execution?\n\nELAINE\nRight, right. I mean, if I was getting\nthe chair, I'd go for something hot\nand spicy. You know, thai, maybe Mexican.\nLethal injection, feels like pasta.\nYou know, painless, don't want anything\nto heavy.\n\nGLENN\nSo, um, why don't we get together some\ntime?\n\nELAINE\nOh, sure. Why don't you give me your\nnumber?\n\nGLENN\nI think it'd be better if I called\nyou.\n\nELAINE\nOh. OK. Maybe we could grab some lunch\nsometime. Do-do you work around here?\n\nGLENN\nMmmm... no, not really.\n\nELAINE\nSo, is there anything you can tell\nme about yourself?\n\nGLENN\nI think you're very beautiful.\n\nELAINE, LAUGHING\nOh, ha ha. That'll do.\n\nELAINE\nI haven't talked to him in, like, three\nweeks. I think it might be over.\n\nJERRY\nSo, what's this guy about?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know. He wouldn't tell me his\nphone number, where he worked. I'll\nbe he's in a relationship.\n\nJERRY\nOr he's a crime fighter safeguarding\nhis secret identity. Elaine, you could\nbe dating the Green Lantern!\n\nELAINE\nWhich one is he?\n\nJERRY\nGreen suit, power ring.\n\nELAINE\nI don't care for jewellery on men.\n\nKramer, entering Jerry's apartment carrying a large box.\n\nKRAMER\nHey. It happened again. Another robbery\nin the building.\n\nJERRY\nSo you bought a cooler?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's a strongbox to protect my irreplacables.\n\nELAINE\nAnd... what would those be?\n\nKRAMER\nSome taxidermy that's been in my family\nfor generations. My Tony, my... military\ndischarge.\n\nJERRY\nYou were in the Army?\n\nKRAMER\nBriefly. Now, I gotta find a good place\nto hide this key. Because if somebody\nfinds this, they hold the key to all\nmy possessions.\n\nELAINE\nLiterally.\n\nKRAMER\n'Literally'? What's that supposed to\nmean? You mind if I hide this somewhere?\n\nJERRY\nNo, go ahead.\n\nJERRY\nOh, come on!\n\nKRAMER\nCome on, Jerry, this is a security\nissue. Boy, you wouldn't last a day\nin the Army.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, that's classified.\n\nJERRY\nKramer?\n\nELAINE\nNo, the Green Lantern.\n\nKRAMER\nOK!\n\nELAINE\nWell, I don't know. I may never marry.\nIt might be the closest I get.\n\n(Jerry, getting a spoon out of his silverware drawer, accidentally\nstumbles on the key, and holds it up for Kramer to see)\n\nKRAMER\nYou peeked!\n\nJERRY\nThis is your hiding place?!\n\nKRAMER\nIt was under a spoon!\n\nofficially broken up. Thank you, and good night.\n\nMAURA\nNo, George, we're not.\n\nGEORGE\nBut I proved it!\n\nMAURA\nI refuse to give up on this relationship.\nIt's like launching\n\nmissiles from a submarine. Both of use have to turn our keys.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, then, I am gonna have to ask\nyou to turn your key.\n\nMAURA\nI'm sorry, George, I can't do that.\n\nGEORGE\nTurn your key, Maura. Turn your key!\n\ninvolved?\n\nGLENN\nWell, I might ask you the same thing.\n\nELAINE, IN HER MIND\nThat's true, maybe he's not married.\n\n(Glenn gives her a flower)\n\nELAINE\nOh, that is so sweet.\n\nELAINE, IN HER MIND\nHow long do I have to hold this?\n\nELAINE\nWho is it?\n\nme show you a short cut. Come on.\n\nELAINE, IN HER MIND\nMarried. That's it, I'm chucking the\nflower.\n\nELAINE\nYou didn't hear me buzzing?\n\nJERRY\nOh, I guess it's broken.\n\nELAINE\nThrow down your key.\n\nJERRY\nIt's liable to bounce and go into a\nsewer.\n\nELAINE\nI'll catch it!\n\nJERRY\nYou'll chicken out at the last second.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, you're right.\n\nELAINE\nAll right. Well, will you at least\nkeep me company until somebody\n\ncomes out?\n\nJERRY\nAll right.\n\nJERRY, AFTER A PAUSE\nHey, you know what's weird?\n\nELAINE\nHuh?\n\nJERRY\nI used to be able to have a huge meal,\ngo right to sleep. But I can't\n\nanymore.\n\nELAINE\nNodding off!\n\nELAINE\nWell, I was right. He's an adulterer.\nAnd he's cheating on his wife\n\nwith me.\n\nELAINE\nI'm hungry. Can you throw something\ndown?\n\nare you doin'?\n\nJERRY\nYou jammed your key in here? You shorted\nout my intercom!\n\nKRAMER\nYou just had to go lookin' for it,\ndidn't you? See, you hate it that\n\nI have a little secret. Anything I do -- oooh, oooh! -- you gotta\nknow\n\neverything about it. You're so obsessed with me.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat are you doing with her?\n\nKRAMER\nSecurity issue!\n\nin.\n\nguy.\n\nJERRY\nSo, he's definitely married, huh?\n\nELAINE\nYeah...\n\nJERRY\nBoy, I would've loved to have been\nthere when you told him off.\n\nELAINE\nHmm...\n\nJERRY\nOh, come on!\n\nELAINE\nWell, he could be a superhero! You\nshould've seen him run.\n\n(Elaine and Jerry go back inside Jerry's apartment)\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, Jerry. Let's see if you\ncan get it in your head that this\n\nis not an Easter egg hunt for your childish amusement.\n\n(George tries to whistle to get Jerry's attention)\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, the buzzer's broken! I'll come\ndown!\n\nJerry, putting on his coat to go downstairs, when he finds the\nkey in his\n\nCOAT POCKET\nI believe this belongs to you.\n\nKRAMER\nHeyyyy!\n\nJerry, opening the ground floor door for George, and seeing him\neating a\n\nGRANOLA BAR\nWhere did you get that?\n\nGEORGE\nI bought it.\n\nPHIL\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nThere's been some robberies in the\nbuilding. I-I can't let you in.\n\nPHIL\nBut, I live here. I ran out to get\nsome birdseed, and-and I forgot my\n\nkey.\n\nGEORGE\nSounds like a scam.\n\nJERRY\nGreat, you're lonely and miserable\nagain.\n\nGEORGE\nFeels right.\n\nJERRY\nIs that guy still there?\n\nJERRY\nDon't look at him.\n\nGEORGE\nWant a bite?\n\nJERRY\nNo, I don't.\n\nGEORGE, IN HIS MIND\nI think that ginger ale at the coffee\nshop is just Coke\n\nand Sprite mixed together. How can I prove it? Ah! Can't, dammit.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat? M-Maura, what are you doin' here?\nI ended this relationship,\n\ntwice.\n\nMAURA\nGeorge, you didn't mean that. That\nwas just a fight.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy does it only seem like I'm the\nonly one working at this breakup?\n\nMAURA\nGeorge, I listened to your arguments,\nand they were rambling and\n\nflimsy. I'm not convinced. Come on, get dressed and let's get\nsome dinner.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right.\n\nMAURA\nEww, Mr. Apple. You have a brown spot.\n\nlittle... love nest?\n\nGLENN\nIt's nothing special, just a little\nplace I keep.\n\nELAINE\nOh.\n\nGLENN\nAh, should I light a fire?\n\nELAINE\nOh, that sounds romantic.\n\nthe heat. Uh, I got some cardboard out here.\n\nELAINE, IN HER MIND\nThis is wrong. I should go.\n\nGLENN, FROM OUTSIDE\nCan you get that, please?\n\nELAINE\nOh, sure.\n\n(Elaine gasps when she opens the door, seeing the woman from\nthe street that\n\nGlenn had avoided earlier)\n\nLADY\nWhere's Glenn?\n\nELAINE\nYou're the woman from the street, and\nI am so sorry. You know, I'm\n\nnot really a home-wrecker. I-I-I-I thought he was a superhero.\nI swear.\n\nLADY\nLady, I'm not his wife, I'm his welfare\ncaseworker. Is he home?\n\nELAINE\nThis is his home?\n\nLADY\nYes.\n\nELAINE\nSo, he's...\n\nLADY\nPoor.\n\nwill burn!\n\nJerry, getting into his building elevator from the lobby, and\nseeing Phil get\n\nIN WITH HIM\nSo you do live here.\n\nPHIL\nYeah.\n\n(going up in the elevator, both men awkwardly stand in silence)\n\nPHIL\nYeah.\n\nJerry, seeing Phil start to open his apartment door, only one\ndoor down from\n\nKRAMER'S\nSo you live right... there.\n\nPHIL\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nSo I guess I'll see--\n\n(Phil, going into his apartment, slams the door behind him)\n\ndoesn't have a phone. He's not married. He's poor.\n\nJERRY\nIs he wretchedly poor? Does he wear\none of those barrels, with the\n\nstraps?\n\nELAINE\nHe probably busted it up and burned\nit for heat.\n\nJERRY\nSo, when are you giving Boxcar Willie\nhis walking papers?\n\nELAINE\nHow can I end it over money? I feel\nbad.\n\nJERRY\nWell, let's think. Have you ever dealt\nwith the poor in any other\n\nsituation?\n\nELAINE\nYes. There was this homeless guy who\nused to urinate on our garbage\n\ncans.\n\nJERRY\nGood. How did you handle that?\n\nELAINE\nWell, we gave him a few bucks, and...\nnow he goes in the alley\n\nacross the street.\n\nJERRY\nSame situation. Pay him off, and you're\nclean.\n\nELAINE\nWell, I am not paying Glenn off to\nget out of this relationship.\n\nWh-what am I supposed to do, just walk into his hovel, and hand\nhim... well,\n\nhow much do you think it would be?\n\nJERRY\nHey, where have you been?\n\nGEORGE\nSeeing Maura. Apparently, I was unable\nto break up beyond a\n\nreasonable doubt.\n\nELAINE\nIf only he could have been cheating\non his wife, you know, things\n\nwould have been so much simpler.\n\nGEORGE\nWho's this, Blue Arrow?\n\nELAINE\nGreen Lantern.\n\nJERRY\nWe found out his super power was lack\nof money.\n\nELAINE\nAll right.\n\nJERRY\nHe's invulnerable to creditors.\n\nELAINE\nWe get it.\n\nJERRY\nHe's the 'Got-no-Green' Lantern.\n\nELAINE\nThank you.\n\nJERRY\nHey, Elaine. Maybe his girlfriend is\nLois Loan.\n\nELAINE, LEAVING\nWell crafted.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, maybe this cheating thing is what\nI could use to ditch Maura.\n\nJERRY\nSure, just tell Maura you're having\nan affair.\n\nGeorge, now on the same side as the booth of Jerry, with Elaine's\nside\n\nVACANT\nShe's like a district attorney. If\nit's not the truth, I'll break\n\nunder the cross. I actually have to do it.\n\nJERRY\nCould you move over there?\n\n(George reluctantly switches sides, so they're facing each other)\n\nGEORGE\nHey, you know, there's this secretary\nat work that always had a\n\ncrush on me.\n\nJERRY\nReally? How come you never pursued\nher before?\n\nGEORGE\nShe's too tan. It's the middle of the\nwinter, she's like a carrot.\n\nJERRY, TO ELAINE\nHe can wipe out his checking account\nin a single bound!\n\n(Jerry, as he's entering his apartment to see Kramer there, disturbs\nsome\n\nsort of bird in the hallway, which makes a squawking noise)\n\nKRAMER\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nThere's a giant parrot in the hallway.\n\nKRAMER\nIt's Phil's.\n\nJERRY\nWho?\n\nKRAMER\nOur neighbor that you turned against.\nAnyway, I told him it'd be\n\nfine with us if he wanted to let it stretch its wings out in\nthe hallway.\n\nJERRY\nWhat'd ya tell him that for?\n\nKRAMER\nBecause since you've been playing God\nwith the front door, I've been\n\ntryin' to smooth things out, Jerry. In fact, I was just hanging\nout at his\n\nplace.\n\nJERRY\nReally? What's it like? Is it nicer\nthan mine? Where does he have the\n\ncouch?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I don't know, but the key problem\nis solved. I hid it at\n\nPhil's\n\nJERRY\nHe let you?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, he doesn't know. So, uh, Phil won't\nbe compulsively looking for\n\nit like some people. You!\n\n(going out into the hallway, Kramer is apparently attacked by\nthe parrot,\n\nbecause it starts squawking loudly, and Kramer runs back inside\nJerry's place)\n\nsay you've been in the city all winter?\n\nLORETTA\nI was in Maine for a couple days.\n\nGEORGE\nWell... here we are.\n\nLORETTA\nGeorge, I've always fantasized about\njumping into bed with you.\n\nGEORGE\nHo ho!\n\nLORETTA\nBut... I don't want to spoil things\nby sleeping with you too soon.\n\nGEORGE\nAre you sure? 'Cause it could really\nhelp me out of a jam.\n\nLORETTA\nI want to build something with you,\nGeorge.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, not more building.\n\nLORETTA\nAnd I won't take no for an answer.\n\nGEORGE\nNo?\n\nLORETTA\nNo.\n\nGLENN\nIt's a surprise.\n\nELAINE, GIGGLING\nOh.\n\n(a nearby door opens, and a cook throws a garbage bag out into\na trash can;\n\nGlenn immediately goes for the bag)\n\nELAINE\nWhat are you doing? What is that?\n\nGLENN\nIt's a bag of donuts.\n\nELAINE\nIt's garbage.\n\nthe old ones come out right here.\n\nyour last name?\n\nidea how rare this is.\n\nELAINE\nI'll make it out to cash. How 'bout\ntwo hundred bucks? Two-fifty?\n\nELAINE\nMake it three hundred.\n\nthe garbage can of my life.\n\n(the cook comes out again, dumping a bucket of water out in the\nalley, and\n\nsplashing Elaine and Glenn, but they're too wrapped up with each\nother to\n\nnotice)\n\nJerry, at Phil's door, which is answered by a woman wearing cleaning\ngloves\n\nJERRY\nPhil... hi. I-I know we kind of got\noff to a bad start. But your\n\nbird, which is lovely, by the way, made a mess on my door.\n\nPHIL\nAnd?\n\nJERRY\nI thought maybe you'd clean it up,\nor your maid, there.\n\nPHIL\nThat's my wife.\n\nrelationship with a woman you don't like, and you're having an\naffair with a\n\nwoman who won't have sex with you.\n\nGEORGE\nThis isn't going well.\n\nJERRY\nI cannot find my Jerry Lewis cufflinks.\nWithout 'em, I have no in!\n\nname. Jerry!\n\nJERRY\nWhere are you goin'? Help me look.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's a big night. I'm, uh, ice skating\nwith one, and going to a\n\nstaged reading of Godspell with the other.\n\nJERRY\nWhich is with who?\n\nGEORGE, LEAVING\nIt doesn't matter.\n\nclean up nice.\n\nJERRY\nI can't go until I find my cufflinks.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, see? I knew you would lose 'em.\nThat's why I took 'em out of\n\nyour dresser drawer and put 'em in my strongbox.\n\nJERRY\nYou're a lifesaver. Would you get them,\nplease?\n\npick up the key.\n\n(in the hall, Jerry and Kramer see Phil and his wife, both crying,\ngoing into\n\ntheir apartment)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, what's going on?\n\nPHIL\nFredo is dead.\n\nJERRY\nThat strange Portuguese guy that lives\nnext-door to the incinerator?\n\nPHIL\nNo! my bird. We just got back from\nthe pet cemetery.\n\nJERRY\nOh, Phil. Mrs. Phil. I'm so sorry.\n\nPHIL\nOh, I'll bet you are! They told us\nhe was poisoned! Something in his\n\nfood.\n\nJERRY\nBut I, I didn't--\n\n(Phil slams the door on Jerry, and Kramer)\n\nJERRY\nKramer, they think I killed Fredo!\nAnd who buries a bird?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. Just give it to the Portuguese\nguy, and he... puts it in the\n\nincinerator.\n\nJERRY\nJust get the key and let's get out\nhere.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, it's a funny thing about\nthat bird dying. I hid the key in\n\nFredo's food dish. Whew! That's a weird coincidence.\n\nJERRY\nKramer!?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nYou killed Fredo!\n\nKRAMER\nFredo was weak and stupid. He shouldn't've\neaten that key.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, I need those cufflinks, but\nnow they're in the box, and the\n\nkey is in the bird. What are we gonna do?\n\nKRAMER\nYou just answered your own question.\n\nJERRY\nOh, no.\n\nodd choices.\n\nLORETTA\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nI mean, uh... I had fun ice skating.\n\nGEORGE\nMaura. Oh, my God! What are you doing\nhere?!\n\nMAURA\nYou told me to meet you here for lunch.\n\nMAURA, TO LORETTA\nI'm Maura.\n\nLORETTA, TO MAURA\nI'm Loretta. You want to join us?\n\nGEORGE\nThis is all blowing up in my face!\nMy serious girlfriend, and my\n\ntorrid love affair have accidentally crossed paths. I have ruined\nthree\n\nlives. Well, I understand if you never want to see me again,\nso...\n\nMAURA\nGeorge, what we have is too important.\nWe can work through this.\n\nLORETTA\nSo can we.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat? So, this is still not over?\n\nMAURA\nNo.\n\nGEORGE\nYou?\n\nLORETTA\nNo.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, and I got you a cord of wood,\nso you won't have to burn 'em.\n\nELAINE\nWho is this?\n\nALLISON\nHis wife.\n\nELAINE\nYou're poor and married?\n\nGLENN\nLooks like it.\n\nALLISON\nWho the hell are you?\n\nELAINE\nI guess I'm Lois Loan.\n\nrobbers.\n\nlike that on my tombstone.\n\nGod. Here he is. I don't want to dig him up.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, then you're the one getting\nthe key out of him.\n\nKRAMER\nListen, I heard that Lassie #3 is buried\naround here. I'm gonna go\n\ncheck it out.\n\n(as Jerry starts to dig, Kramer, still in his tux, walks off,\ntrips over a\n\ntombstone, and tries to appear dignified again)\n\nHoney, one last look, then you have to let Fredo rest in peace.\n\nnow let's cut him open!\n\n'MRS. PHIL'\nOh!\n\nJERRY\nHey, neighbor.\n\ngonna try givin' them fifty-five dollars each.\n\nGEORGE, TO ELAINE\nWhat do you think?\n\nELAINE\nGive me forty, you'll never see me\nagain.\n\n(Elaine flips her tongue at George, who rolls his eyes away)\n\nELAINE, TO JERRY\nSo, what are you gonna do? Are you\ngonna live here, or are\n\nyou gonna move out, or what?\n\nJERRY\nAh, I'll just take the fire escape\nto get in and out of the building.\n\nKRAMER\nOh. Well, would you look at that. Guess\nI forgot to lock it.\n\nJERRY\nYou mean it was open? We desecrated\na pet cemetery for something?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, this is one for the books, huh,\nJerry? Really one for the books.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Wizard.html",
    "text": "THE WIZARD\n\nWritten by\n\nSteve Lookner\n\nGEORGE\nKeep it real!\n\nGEORGE\nLet's get nuts!\n\nChina is an instant page-turner?\n\nJERRY\nIt's a Wizard electronic organizer\nfor my dad. I'm goin' to Florida\n\nfor his birthday.\n\nGEORGE\nHow much was it?\n\nJERRY\nTwo hundred. But I'll tell him it's\nfifty. He doesn't care about the\n\ngift. He gets excited about the deal.\n\nGEORGE\nWhere are you gettin' a Wizard for\nfifty dollars?\n\nJERRY\nAh, I'll tell him I got it on the street,\nand maybe it's hot. That's\n\nhis favorite.\n\nGEORGE\nI got a message from the Rosses at\nwork today.\n\nJERRY\nSusan's parents? When's the last time\nyou talked to them?\n\nGEORGE\nAt the funeral, give or take. You know,\ndeep down, I always kinda\n\nfelt that they blamed me for Susan's death.\n\nJERRY\nWhy, because you picked out the poision\nenvelopes? That's silly.\n\npeople I know. Jerry, George.\n\nDARRYL\nNice meeting you. Ah, I gotta run,\nElaine. I'll see you later.\n\nELAINE\nOK.\n\nJERRY\nStill no Puddy?\n\nELAINE\nUh, I think his answering machine's\nbroken, so I just gave up. Well,\n\nwhat do you think?\n\nJERRY\nWhat? About you datin' a black guy?\nWhat's the big deal?\n\nELAINE\nWhat black guy?\n\nJERRY\nDarryl. He's black, isn't he?\n\nELAINE\nHe is?\n\nGEORGE\nNo, he isn't.\n\nJERRY\nIsn't he, Elaine?\n\nELAINE\nYou think?\n\nGEORGE\nI thought he looked Irish.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's his last name?\n\nELAINE\nNelson.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's not Irish.\n\nJERRY\nI think he's black.\n\nGEORGE\nShould we be talkin' about this?\n\nELAINE\nI think it's OK.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, it isn't.\n\nJERRY\nWhy not?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, it would be OK if Darryl was\nhere.\n\nJERRY\nIf he's black.\n\nELAINE\nIs he black?\n\nJERRY\nDoes it matter?\n\nELAINE\nNo, course not. I mean, I'd just like\nto know.\n\nJERRY\nOh, so you need to know?\n\nELAINE\nNo, I don't need to know. I just think\nit would be nice if I knew.\n\nWAITRESS\nShould I take that?\n\n(when they see the waitress, who is black, all three hurriedly\nget out lots\n\nof money for her tip)\n\nGeorge.\n\nMRS. ROSS\nUh, who?\n\nGEORGE\nGeorge Costanza. Susan's, uh, friend?\nLong time no speak.\n\nwoman to buy more.\n\nMRS. ROSS\nUh, George, the Susan Ross Foundation\nis having an event this\n\nweekend.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, I just, uh, leased a house out\nin the Hamptons, and I have got\n\nto get out there this weekend and sign the papers.\n\nMRS. ROSS\nThank you for calling, George.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, sure. I mean, after all, you were\nalmost my, uh... OK, I gotta\n\ngo.\n\nJERRY\nHouse in the Hamptons?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, you know, I've been lyin' about\nmy income for a few years. I\n\nfigured I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, grab a cigar, boys. Yeah. It's\ntime to celebrate.\n\nJERRY\nWow. What are we celebrating?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, you remember my coffee table book?\n\nJERRY\nWith the little legs?\n\nKRAMER\nThat's the one. A big Hollywood so-and-so\noptioned it for a movie.\n\nGEORGE\nHow are they gonna make that book into\na movie?\n\nKRAMER\nYou remember that photo book on toy\nray guns?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah?\n\nKRAMER\nIndependence Day?\n\nGEORGE\nOh.\n\nJERRY\nHow much are they payin' you?\n\nKRAMER\nLet's just say that I don't have to\nworry about working for a while.\n\nA long while.\n\nJERRY\nThat's funny because I haven't seen\nyou working for a while. A long\n\nwhile.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, and you're not going to, because\nI'm hanging it up. Boys, I'm\n\nretiring.\n\nJERRY\nFrom what?\n\nKRAMER\nFrom the grind. I mean, who needs it?\nI mean, I've accomplished\n\neverything I've set out to do.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I bought myself a little retirement\ngift. Gold watch.\n\nJERRY AND GEORGE\nOoh!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, it's not really gold.\n\nJERRY AND GEORGE\nAww.\n\n(approaching Darryl's apartment, Elaine hears loud rap music\nbeing played,\n\nand smiles knowingly)\n\nDARRYL\nHey.\n\nELAINE\nGreat music.\n\nDARRYL\nOh, it's my neighbor. They blast that\nstuff twenty four hours a day.\n\nI hate it.\n\nDARRYL\nYo, you! Turn it down!\n\nELAINE\nOh, wow, these are nice. Do they have\nany cultural significance?\n\nDARRYL\nThey're... African.\n\nELAINE\nRight. African.\n\nDARRYL\nWell, not Africa, actually. South Africa.\n\nELAINE\nSouth Africa.\n\nDARRYL\nMy family used to live there, but,\nuh, we got out years ago, for\n\nobvious reasons. You know how it is.\n\nELAINE\nMaybe.\n\nelse, you, uh, you really like 'em and that's why you, you do\nthis.\n\n(the Rosses come out of a nearby building onto the street, observe\nGeorge not\n\nbeing in the Hamptons, and move on)\n\nGEORGE\nI'll tell ya, if I had one of these\nthings, I'd be eatin' hot dogs\n\nall the time.\n\nVENDER\nAre you gonna buy a hot dog or not?\n\nGEORGE\nMmm... no.\n\nRise and shine, sleepy head! Ha ha!\n\nJERRY\nIt's 5:30 in the morning!\n\nHELEN\nWe let you sleep in.\n\nbirthday present. Here. Happy Birthday.\n\nMORTY\nAw, Jerry. I should be buyin' you presents.\n\nJERRY\nWhat does that mean?\n\nHELEN\nLeave your father alone. It's his birthday.\n\nMORTY\nOooh! Heh heh! It's a radar detector.\n\nJERRY\nRadar detector? I've never seen you\ngo over twenty miles an hour.\n\nYou're like the Grand Marshall of the Rose Bowl Parade. It's\na Wizard\n\norganizer.\n\nMORTY\nThis looks like too much money.\n\nJERRY\nNah, I got it from a guy on the street.\nIt was, like, fifty bucks.\n\nMORTY\nYou think it's hot?\n\nJERRY\nCould be.\n\nMORTY\nAttaboy! Helen, Jerry got me a hot\nWizard computer!\n\nHELEN\nI'm right here.\n\nJERRY\nAnd you can do everything with it.\nYou can get e-mail, fax, there's a\n\ncalculator.\n\nMORTY\nSo, I can use it in the restaurant\nto figure out the tip?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, I guess. But the really cool\nthing is the daily planner.\n\nMORTY\nHelen, we got into restaurants and\nfigure out the tips.\n\nHELEN\nJerry, you're getting your father too\nexcited.\n\nHey, buddy. When'd you get here?\n\nJERRY\nKramer, what are you doing here?\n\nKRAMER\nI told you I was retiring. I moved\nin next door.\n\nHELEN\nMr. Kornstein died, and it's a beautiful\napartment.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, your, uh, folks said it was for\nrent, so I jumped on it.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, you can't live down here. This\nis where people come to die.\n\nHELEN\nDon't eat cookies for breakfast! I'll\nfix you something. How 'bout a\n\nfeta cheese omelette?\n\nKRAMER\nMmmm, that sounds great, Mom.\n\nJERRY\nIf you feed him, he'll never leave.\n\nHELEN\nWe don't have any feta. How about cottage\ncheese and Egg Beaters?\n\nKRAMER, IMMATURELY\nI guess.\n\nJERRY\nI can't believe this.\n\nKRAMER\nI know, I know. Don't I look more relaxed?\n\nDarryl situation?\n\nGEORGE\nActually, I did have a thought.\n\nELAINE\nOh.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy don't you just ask him?\n\nlike I really want to know.\n\nGEORGE\nMaybe he's, um... mixed.\n\nELAINE\nIs that the right word?\n\nGEORGE\nI really don't think we're supposed\nto be talkin' about this.\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE, STANDING UP\nI'm just gonna go to the bathroom.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nI'll just talk to Jerry when he gets\nback.\n\nMRS. ROSS\nOh, you're George's friend.\n\nMR. ROSS\nWe saw him in the city this weekend.\nUh, what happened to his\n\nplace in the Hamptons?\n\ndon't think so. Have a good one.\n\nGEORGE\nRosses.\n\nMR. ROSS\nGeorge, we were just talking about\nyou.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, sorry I missed that, uh, charity\nthing. But this was one of\n\nthose truly glorious Hampton weekends that you always hear about.\n\nMRS. ROSS\nReally?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, I may move out there.\n\nit! OK, I'll see ya later. Keep it real!\n\nWizard tip calculator.\n\nJERRY\nDad, it's got lots of other functions.\n\nMORTY\nDon't worry. I'll get to the other\nfunctions.\n\n(Jerry easily opens it)\n\nHELEN\nYay! Jerry got it open.\n\nMORTY\nThe service was slow. And God forbid\nthey should refill the water.\n\npoint six six six six cents.\n\nMORTY\nWe'll round down.\n\nHELEN\nJerry, it was so nice of you to come\ndown here on your father's\n\nbirthday. You've helped take his mind off the condo elections.\n\nJERRY\nOh, right. You can't run for condo\npresident because you were\n\nimpeached at the other condo.\n\nMORTY\nI was never impeached! I resigned!\n\nHELEN\nEven so, the press would bury him!\n\nJERRY\nWhat press?\n\nHELEN\nThe condo newsletter, the Boca Breeze.\n\nMORTY\nPinko Commie rag.\n\njust got a date with that young aquacise instructor.\n\nJERRY\nShe's fifty.\n\nOLD MAN\nYou know what he's got? He's got charisma.\nThat's my man.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, I'll see you guys.\n\nOLD MAN\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\n(Kramer, scanning the scene, is surprised to see Morty, right\nnext to him,\n\nstaring at his face)\n\nMORTY\nI'll tell you what I'm looking at:\nthe next condo president of Del\n\nBoca Vista, Phase Three.\n\nKRAMER\nHmm.\n\n(Elaine laughts somewhat awkwardly)\n\nDARRYL\nWow, it's got so many functions.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, yeah. Forget about all that.\nFirst thing is first. Warranty\n\ninformation. Name, we know that. Uh, hobbies. Skiing, racquetball...\n\nDARRYL\nWell, I don't do that stuff.\n\nELAINE\nIt doesn't matter, it doesn't matter,\nit doesn't matter. Um. Oh,\n\nHERE'S ONE\nrace.\n\nDARRYL\nIsn't that optional?\n\nELAINE\nIt certainly should be. It's nobody's\ndamn business! But they really\n\nwould like to know.\n\nDARRYL\nAll right, I'm... Asian.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nDARRYL\nJust to mess with 'em.\n\nELAINE\nlaughing awkwardly: Oh. Right. Good\none.\n\nDARRYL\nAverage income, uh... over a hundred\nthousand.\n\nELAINE\nReally?\n\nDARRYL\nDoes that matter?\n\nELAINE\nNo, but... it is very nice to know.\n\nout Darryl's... you know.\n\nbunch of Spanish restaurants. I figure that'll cover us either\nway.\n\nELAINE\nHey, so Kramer's running for president\nof the condo?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, it's all my father's doing.\n\n(Kramer, apparently looking for something to do, mumbles to Jerry\nto hand him\n\na magazine from the table)\n\nJERRY\nHe wants to install Kramer in a puppet\nregime and then wield power\n\nfrom behind the scenes. Preferably from the sauna in the clubhouse.\n\nELAINE\nOh, heh heh heh. Who are they running\nagainst?\n\nJERRY\nCommon sense and a guy in a wheelchair.\n\nELAINE, TO GEORGE\nHe's still down with his folks.\n\nGEORGE, TO ELAINE\nWhat are you doin' here?\n\nELAINE, TO GEORGE\nI'm gettin' his mail.\n\nGEORGE, TO ELAINE\nHe asked you to get the mail?\n\nELAINE, TO GEORGE\nMm-hmm.\n\nmail?\n\nJERRY\nGeorge, listen to me. I have a very\nimportant job for you. I want you\n\nto come by twice a day and flush the toilet so the gaskets don't\ndry out and\n\nleak.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat about the mail?\n\nJERRY\nThis is far more important. You must\nexercise the gaskets, George.\n\nGEORGE, HANGING UP\nAll right, Jerry. I'll do it. See ya.\n\nELAINE\nOh, right, at the coffee shop. Where\ndid they get the idea that you\n\nhave a place in the Hamptons?\n\nGEORGE\nFrom me.\n\nELAINE\nWhat did you say?\n\nGEORGE\nI told them I have a place in the Hamptons.\nWhat did you say?\n\nELAINE\nI told them you didn't. And I laughed\nand I laughed.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, they knew? Those liars!\n\nELAINE\nBut you lied first.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, but they let me go on and on\nall about the Hamptons, they\n\nnever said a thing! You don't let somebody lie when they know\nyou're lying.\n\nYou call them a liar!\n\nELAINE\nLike you're a liar!\n\nGEORGE\nYes. Thank you! Is that so hard?\n\nELAINE\nSo, this is over, not over? I'm bettin',\nnot over.\n\nGEORGE\nHmm-hmm, not by a long shot. I'm calling\nup the Rosses and inviting\n\nthem up to my non-existent place in the Hamptons. Then we'll\nsee who blinks\n\nfirst.\n\nELAINE\nHaven't you done enough to these people?\n\nGEORGE\nThis is not about them. Now, if you'll\nexcuse me, I have to exercise\n\nJerry's gaskets.\n\n(Elaine gets a sarcastic, 'oh, boy' expression)\n\nKRAMER, TO A ROOM\nVote for Kramer.\n\nI'd like your vote. Thanks.\n\nKramer.\n\nOLD WOMAN\nWill you cut my meat?\n\nKRAMER\nGladly.\n\nDARRYL\nSure.\n\nWAITRESS, TO DARRYL\nAre you black? Or should I bring some\ncream.\n\nDARRYL\nI'm black.\n\nDARRYL, RE-THINKING\nOh, you know what? Bring a little cream.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nDARRYL\nGod, there are still people who have\ntrouble with an interracial\n\ncouple.\n\nELAINE\nInterracial? Us?\n\nDARRYL\nIsn't that unbelievable!?\n\nELAINE\nYes, it's awful! They're upset because\nwe're an interracial couple.\n\nThat is racism!\n\nDARRYL\nI don't feel like eating.\n\nELAINE\nMe neither. Well, maybe this turkey\nclub.\n\nGEORGE\nSo... here I am. Ready to take you\nto the Hamptons.\n\nMRS. ROSS\nSounds grand.\n\nGEORGE\nDo you have your bathing suits?\n\nMR. ROSS\nIt's March.\n\nGEORGE\nSpeak now, or we are headed to the\nHamptons. It's a two-hour drive.\n\nOnce you get in that car, we are going all the way... to the\nHamptons. All\n\nright, you wanna get nuts? Come on. Let's get nuts!\n\nDad. You know you can program this thing to beep every time you\nneed to take\n\na vitamin.\n\nDad, you look so different.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, no. We're campaigning, Jerry. To\nrule the people, one... must\n\nwalk among them.\n\nelection!\n\nKRAMER\nRight. Yeah. The polls close after\ndinner, three o'clock. But then\n\nwhen we win, the celebration goes all night until the break of\neight p.m.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, you can put that whole schedule\nright in your daily\n\nplanner.\n\nMORTY\nDaily what?\n\nclubhouse.\n\nMORTY\nBarefoot in the clubhouse? Don't you\nrealize this is against the\n\nrules.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I couldn't find my shoes.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, these people work and wait\ntheir whole lives to move down\n\nhere, sit in the heat, pretend it's not hot, and enforce these\nrules.\n\nHELEN\nWho wants hot chocolate?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah! Me.\n\nMORTY\nThis is a huge scandal! We need damage\ncontrol.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, look. People seem to like\nthose tip calculators, huh?\n\nJERRY\nWizards!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, well, how 'bout if we give one\nout to every member on the\n\ncondo board.\n\nJERRY\nKramer...\n\nMORTY\nThere are twenty people on the board.\nThank God you can get that\n\ndeal.\n\nKRAMER\nPayoffs. Now we're playin' politics.\nAll right, what do we next,\n\nMorty, huh? Wiretaps, slush funds?\n\nJERRY\nKramer, I can't get that many Wizards.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, what about your deal, huh?\n\nJERRY\nI didn't have a deal! They're two hundred\ndollars a pop. What do I\n\ndo?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, don't worry about it. I know\na guy.\n\nJERRY\nDown here?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, Bob Saccamano's father.\n\nbedroom.\n\nMRS. ROSS\nTell us more.\n\nGEORGE\nYou want to hear more? The master bedroom\nopens into the solarium.\n\nMR. ROSS\nAnother solarium?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, two solariums. Quite a find. And\nI have horses, too?\n\nMR. ROSS\nWhat are their names?\n\nGEORGE\nSnoopy and Prickly Pete. Should I keep\ndriving?\n\nMRS. ROSS\nOh, look, an antique stand. Pull over.\nWe'll buy you a\n\nhousewarming gift.\n\nit up a notch!\n\nWAITRESS\nYeah, I just worked a triple shift.\n\nELAINE\nI hear ya, Sister.\n\nWAITRESS\nSister?\n\nHere he is. See?\n\nDARRYL\nHi, Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nWAITRESS\nHe's black?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nDARRYL\nI'm black?\n\nELAINE\nAren't you?\n\nWAITRESS, LEAVING\nI'll give you a couple minutes to decide.\n\nDARRYL\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nELAINE\nYou're black. You said we were an interracial\ncouple.\n\nDARRYL\nWe are. Because you're Hispanic.\n\nELAINE\nI am?\n\nDARRYL\nAren't you?\n\nELAINE\nNo. Why would you think that?\n\nDARRYL\nYour name's Benes, your hair, and you\nkept taking me to those\n\nSpanish restaurants.\n\nELAINE\nThat's because I thought you were black.\n\nDARRYL\nWhy would you take me to a Spanish\nrestaurant because I'm black?\n\nELAINE\nI don't think we should be talking\nabout this.\n\nDARRYL\nSo, what are you?\n\nELAINE\nI'm white.\n\nDARRYL\nSo, we're just a couple of white people?\n\nELAINE\nI guess.\n\nDARRYL\nOh.\n\nELAINE\nYeah. So do you want to go to the Gap?\n\nall the Wizards. Polls close in one hour. Whoo hoo hoo! I think\nwe've got\n\nthis baby all sewn up, huh? Oh, uh, there was an extra one. Norman\nBurgerman,\n\nhe won't be leavin' any tips where he is.\n\nJERRY\nAw.\n\nMORTY\nCongratulations, Mr. President.\n\nKRAMER\nCongratulations, Mr. Puppet Master.\n\nOLD MAN\nHey, Morty, what's wrong with these\ntip calculators?\n\nMORTY\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nOLD MAN\nIt's overtipping. I just left five\nbucks for a BLT.\n\nMORTY\nThis isn't a Wizard, it's a Willard.\n\nJERRY\nA Willard? Saccamano, Sr. screwed me!\n\nOLD MAN #2\nMine doesn't have a seven!\n\nOLD MAN #3\nI'm ruined!\n\nMORTY\nJerry, why didn't you get them Wizards?\n\nJERRY\nBecause a real Wizard's two hundred\ndollars.\n\nMORTY\nYou didn't have a deal?\n\nJERRY\nNo deal. Not hot.\n\nOLD MAN\nMorty, you, and Kramer, you're finished.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nOLD MAN\nEveryone vote for the guy in the wheelchair.\n\nfor me. I'm, I'm headin' back to New York.\n\nJERRY\nDad, I'm sorry.\n\nMORTY\nYou should be! How could you spend\ntwo hundred dollars on a tip\n\ncalculator?!\n\nJERRY\nIt does other things!\n\nGEORGE\nAlmost there.\n\nMR. ROSS\nWell, this is the end of Long Island.\nWhere's your house?\n\nGEORGE\nWe, uh, we go on foot from here.\n\nMR. ROSS\nAll right.\n\nGEORGE\nThere's no house! It's a lie! There's\nno solarium. There's no\n\nPrickly Pete. There's no other solarium.\n\nMR. ROSS\nWe know.\n\nGEORGE\nThen, why? Why did you make me drive\nall the way out here? Why\n\ndidn't you say something? Why? Why? Why?\n\nMRS. ROSS\nWe don't like you, George.\n\nMR. ROSS\nAnd we always blamed you for what happened\nto Susan.\n\nGEORGE\nOh.\n\nMR. ROSS\nAll right! Let's head back.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Burning.html",
    "text": "THE BURNING\n\nWritten by\n\nJennifer Crittenden\n\nElaine is getting ready to drive Puddy's car, he's giving her\nlast minute\n\ninstructions.\n\nPUDDY\nAlright, be careful with the car, babe.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, yeah.\n\nPUDDY\nAnd don't move the seat, I got it right\nwhere I like it.\n\nELAINE\nGoodbye?\n\nPUDDY\nTwo and ten, babe.\n\nELAINE\nOkay.\n\nPUDDY\nDon't peel out.\n\nELAINE\nI won't.\n\nis all, Jesus picks me up when I fall...\" Elaine changes the\nstations but all\n\nof the presets are set to religious radio stations; \"And he said\nunto\n\nAbraham...\", \"Amen! Amen!\", \"So we pray...\", \"Saved!\", \"Jey-sus!\"\nShe turns\n\noff the radio.\n\nELAINE\nJesus?\n\nMeeting at George's office. His Boss, Mr. Kruger, is speaking.\n\nKRUGER\nAccording to our latest quarterly thing,Kruger\nIndustrial Smoothing is\n\nheading into the red. Or the black, or whatever the bad one is.\nAny thoughts?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I know when I'm a little strapped,\nI sometimes drop off my rent\n\ncheck having forgotten to sign it. That could buy us some time.\n\nKRUGER\nWorks for me. Good thinking, George.\n\nCO-WORKER 1\nAlright, George.\n\nCO-WORKER 2\nWay to go man.\n\nGEORGE\nOr we don't even send the check and\nthen when they call, we pretend\n\nwe're the cleaning service. Heh heh. \"Hello? I sorry, no here\nKruger.\"\n\nKRUGER\nAre you done? Silly voices, c'mon people,\nlet's get real.\n\nCO-WORKER 1\nGood one.\n\nCO-WORKER 2\nThat was bad.\n\nGeorge and Jerry are at the coffee shop.\n\nGEORGE\nI had 'em, Jerry. They loved me.\n\nJERRY\nAnd then?\n\nGEORGE\nI lost them. I can usually come up with\none good comment during a\n\nmeeting but by the end it's buried under a pile of gaffs and\nbad puns.\n\nJERRY\nShowmanship, George. When you hit that\nhigh note, you say goodnight and\n\nwalk off.\n\nGEORGE\nI can't just leave.\n\nJERRY\nThat's the way they do it in Vegas.\n\nGEORGE\nYou never played Vegas.\n\nJERRY\nI hear things.\n\nElaine enters and has a seat.\n\nELAINE\nHere's one. I borrowed Puddy's car and\nall the presets on his radio\n\nwere Christian rock stations.\n\nGEORGE\nI like Christian rock. It's very positive.\nIt's not like those real\n\nmusicians who think they're so cool and hip.\n\nELAINE\nSo, you think that Puddy actually believes\nin something?\n\nJERRY\nIt's a used car, he probably never changed\nthe presets.\n\nELAINE\nYes, he is lazy.\n\nJERRY\nPlus he probably doesn't even know how\nto program the buttons.\n\nELAINE\nYes, he is dumb.\n\nJERRY\nSo you prefer dumb and lazy to religious?\n\nELAINE\nDumb and lazy, I understand.\n\nGEORGE\nTell you how you could check.\n\nELAINE\nHow?\n\nGEORGE\nReprogram all the buttons, see if he\nchanges them back. You know? The\n\nold switcheroo.\n\nJERRY\nNo, no, the old switcheroo is you poison\nyour drink then you switch it\n\nwith the other person's.\n\nGEORGE\nNo, it's doing the same thing to someone\nthat they did to you.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, Elaine's gonna do the same thing\nto Puddy's radio that the radio\n\ndid to her.\n\nGEORGE\nWell that's the gist of it!\n\nELAINE\nQuiet! So where is this Sophie?\n\nJERRY\nOh, she's picking me up in a few minutes.\n\nELAINE\nHow long have you two been together?\n\nJERRY\nI dunno. Since the last one. Oh, here\nshe is. You wanna meet her?\n\nELAINE AND GEORGE\nNah.\n\nJerry leaves to go meet Sophie by the register.\n\nGEORGE\nBy the way, how did Puddy get back in\nthe picture?\n\nELAINE\nI needed to move a bureau.\n\nKramer and Mickey enter Jerry's apartment.\n\nKRAMER\nHey Jerry, you got any pepper?\n\nMICKEY\nHey Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHey Mickey. Check the pepper shaker.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. (inhales some pepper then sneezes\nviolently) See? It should\n\nsound like that, something like that.\n\nMICKEY\nAah-choo.\n\nKRAMER\nA little wetter. See, I didn't believe\nit.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's with the fake sneezing?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, we're going down to Mt. Sinai\nHospital, See they hire actors to\n\nhelp the students practice diagnosing.\n\nMICKEY\nThey assign you a specific disease and\nyou act out the symptoms. It's\n\nan easy gig.\n\nJERRY\nDo medical schools actually do this?\n\nKRAMER\nWell the better ones. Alright, let's\npractice retching.\n\nKRAMER AND MICKEY\nHUAAHHH!!\n\nJERRY\nI think the phone is ringing.\n\nKRAMER AND MICKEY\nHUAAHHH!!\n\nJERRY\nWould you hold it a second?! Thank you,\nwill you get out of here with\n\nthat stuff?\n\nKRAMER\nMickey, DTs.\n\nKramer and Mickey exit, shaking, while Jerry answers the phone.\n\nJERRY\nHello?\n\nSOPHIE\nHey. It's me.\n\nJERRY\nElaine?\n\nSOPHIE\nNo, it's me.\n\nJERRY\nGeorge??\n\nSOPHIE\nJerry, it's Sophie. I can't believe\nyou don't recognize my voice.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I knew it was you, I was joking.\nI'm a comedian.\n\nKramer enters.\n\nKRAMER\nYou got any Ipecac?\n\nJERRY\nIpecac? Kramer, I really think you guys\nare going too far with this.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, Mickey, he swallowed twelve aspirin.\n\nJERRY\nDid he overdose?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, it's just too much.\n\nOffice meeting at Kruger Industrial Smoothing.\n\nKRUGER\n...And it gets worse. The team working\non the statue in Lafayette\n\nSquare kind of over-smoothed it. They ground the head down to\nabout the size of\n\na softball, and that spells trouble.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, well why don't we smooth the\nhead down to nothing, stick a\n\npumpkin under its arm and change the nameplate to Ichabod Crane?\n\nEveryone at the meeting breaks out in laughter.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright! That's it for me. Goodnight\n\neverybody.\n\nMt. Sanai Hospital, a woman in a lab coat is handing out envelopes\nto a group of\n\npeople, Mickey and Kramer included.\n\nDR. WEXLER\nIn your packet you will find the disease\nyou have been assigned and\n\nthe symptoms you will need to exhibit.\n\nMICKEY\nBacterial Meningitis. Jackpot!\n\nKRAMER\nGonorrhea? You wanna trade?\n\nMICKEY\nSorry buddy, this is the \"Hamlet\" of\ndiseases. Severe pain, nausea,\n\ndelusions, it's got everything.\n\nKRAMER\nHowbout you, do you wanna trade?\n\nMAN\nSure.\n\nKRAMER\nOkay, what do you got?\n\nMAN\nThe surgeon left a sponge inside me.\n\nKRAMER\nGood luck with that.\n\nGeorge and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment.\n\nGEORGE\nI knew I had hit my high note so I thanked\nthe crowd and I was gone.\n\nJERRY\nWhat did you do the rest of the day?\n\nGEORGE\nI saw \"Titanic\". So that old woman,\nshe's just a liar, right?\n\nJERRY\nAnd a bit of a tramp if you ask me.\n\nElaine enters.\n\nELAINE\nHello boys.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, so, did you give that radio the\nold switcheroo?\n\nELAINE\nI did.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd the Christian rock?\n\nELAINE\nRessurected! And look what I pried off\nof his bumper, a Jesus fish!\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, do you have any fishsticks?\n\nJERRY\nNo. So you're disappointed he's a spiritual\nperson?\n\nELAINE\nWell yeah, I got him because he seemed\nso one-dimensional, I feel\n\nmisled.\n\nGEORGE\nI think it's neat. You don't hear that\nmuch about god anymore.\n\nJERRY\nI hear things. Hey, so Sophie gave me\nthe \"It's me\" on the phone today.\n\nELAINE\n\"It's me?\" Isn't it a little premature?\n\nJERRY\nI thought so.\n\nELAINE\nHah. She's not a \"me\". I'm a \"me\".\n\nGEORGE\nI'm against all \"it's me\"s. So self-absorbed\nand egotistical, it's\n\nlike those hip musicians with their complicated shoes!\n\nKramer enters.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I got gonorrhea.\n\nELAINE\nThat seems about right.\n\nKRAMER\nThat's what they gave me.\n\nGEORGE\nThey? The Government?\n\nJERRY\nNo, no. He's pretending he's got gonorrhea\nso med students can diagnose\n\nit.\n\nKRAMER\nAnd it's a waste of my talent. It's\njust a little burning. Mickey, he\n\ngot bacterial meningitis.\n\nGEORGE\nI guess there are no small diseases,\nonly small actors.\n\nThe other three start laughing.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright that's it for me. Good night\neverybody.\n\nELAINE\nWhat was that?\n\nJERRY\nShowmanship, George is trying to get\nout on a high note.\n\nKRAMER\nSee, showmanship. Maybe that's what\nmy gonorrhea is missing.\n\nJERRY\nYes! Step into that spotlight and belt\nthat gonorrhea out to the back\n\nrow.\n\nKRAMER\nYes, yes I will! I'm gonna make people\nfeel my gonorrhea, and feel the\n\ngonorrhea themselves.\n\nMt. Sanai Hospital. Kramer is on the table surrounded by med\nstudents.\n\nSTUDENT #1\nAnd are you experiencing any discomfort?\n\nKRAMER\nJust a little burning during urination.\n\nSTUDENT #1\nOkay, any other pain?\n\nKRAMER\nThe haunting memories of lost love.\nMay I? (signals to Mickey)\n\nLights? (Mickey turns down the lights and Kramer lights a cigar)\nOur eyes met\n\nacross the crowded hat store. I, a customer, and she a coquettish\nhaberdasher.\n\nOh, I pursued and she withdrew, then she pursued and I withdrew,\nand so we\n\ndanced. I burned for her, much like the burning during urination\nthat I would\n\nexperience soon afterwards.\n\nSTUDENT #1\nGonorrhea?!\n\nKRAMER\nGonorrhea!\n\nThe lab breaks out in spontaneous applause as Mickey turns up\nthe lights and\n\nKramer takes a bow.\n\nJerry and George are back at Jerry's apartment. Jerry is checking\nhis phone\n\nmessages.\n\nJERRY\nOne message. Hope it's not from you.\n\nANSWERING MACHINE\n\"Hey Jerry, it's me. Call me back.\"\n\nJERRY\nSophie.\n\nGEORGE\nShe's still doing that?\n\nJERRY\nYep.\n\nGEORGE\nAlright, I'll tell you what you do.\nYou call her back and give her the\n\n\"it's me\", heh? Pull the old switcheroo.\n\nJERRY\nI think that's a \"what's good for the\ngoose is good for the gander\".\n\nGEORGE\nWhat the hell is a gander, anyway?\n\nJERRY\nIt's a goose that's had the old\n\nswitcheroo pulled on it. Hi Sophie, it's me.\n\nSOPHIE\nHey Raef.\n\nJERRY\nShe thinks it's someone named Raef.\n\nGEORGE\nGood, let her think it.\n\nJERRY\nSo, what's going on?\n\nSOPHIE\nNot a lot.\n\nGEORGE\nAsk about you, ask about you.\n\nJERRY\nSo, uh, how are things with Jerry?\n\nSOPHIE\nOh, I really like him but, well, I still\nhaven't told him the tractor\n\nstory.\n\nJERRY\nRight, right, the tractor story.\n\nSOPHIE\nAre you sick, Raef? You sound kinda\nfunny.\n\nJERRY\nI sound funny?\n\nGEORGE\nAbort! Abort!\n\nJERRY\nYeah I better get to a doctor, bye.\n(Hangs up) That was close! What\n\ndrives me to take chances like that?\n\nGEORGE\nThat was very real.\n\nJERRY\nShe said there's some tractor story\nthat she hasn't told me about.\n\nGEORGE\nWoah, back it up, back it up. Beep,\nbeep, beep. Tractor story?\n\nJERRY\nBeep, beep, beep? What are you doing?\n\nElaine and Puddy are at Puddy's apartment.\n\nELAINE\nSo where do you wanna eat?\n\nPUDDY\nFeels like an Arby's night.\n\nELAINE\nArby's. Beef and cheese and do you believe\nin god?\n\nPUDDY\nYes.\n\nELAINE\nOh. So, you're pretty religious?\n\nPUDDY\nThat's right.\n\nELAINE\nSo is it a problem that I'm not really\nreligious?\n\nPUDDY\nNot for me.\n\nELAINE\nWhy not?\n\nPUDDY\nI'm not the one going to hell.\n\nJerry and George are at the coffee shop.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know what I think? I bet she stole\na tractor.\n\nJERRY\nNo one's stealing a tractor, it's a\nfive-mile-an-hour getaway. We're\n\ndancing around the obvious, it's gotta be disfigurement.\n\nGEORGE\nDoes she walk around holding a pen she\nnever seems to need?\n\nJERRY\nNo, she looks completely normal.\n\nGEORGE\nOh. Okay, here it is, I got it. She\nlost her thumbs in a tractor\n\naccident and they grafted her big toes on. They do it every day.\n\nJERRY\nYou think she's got toes for thumbs?\n\nGEORGE\nHow's her handshake? A little firm,\nisn't it? Maybe a little too\n\nfirm?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know.\n\nGEORGE\nHands a little smelly?\n\nJERRY\nWhy do I seek your counsel?\n\nElaine walks in.\n\nELAINE\nWell I'm going to hell.\n\nJERRY\nThat seems about right.\n\nELAINE\nAccording to Puddy.\n\nJERRY\nHey, have you heard the one about the\nguy in hell with the coffee and\n\nthe doughtnuts and--\n\nELAINE\nI'm not in the mood.\n\nGEORGE\nI'll have some coffee and a doughnut.\n\nJERRY\nWhat do you care? You don't believe\nin hell.\n\nELAINE\nI know, but he does.\n\nJERRY\nSo it's more of a relationship problem\nthan the final destination of\n\nyour soul.\n\nELAINE\nWell, relationships are very important\nto me.\n\nJERRY\nMaybe you can strike one up with the\nprince of darkness as you burn for\n\nall eternity.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd a slice of devil's food\n\ncake.\n\nKruger's office. George enters, seeing nobody but Mr. Kruger.\n\nGEORGE\nHey. Where is everyone?\n\nMR. KRUGER\nThey're all off the project. They were\nboring. George, you are my\n\nmain man.\n\nGEORGE\nI am?\n\nMR. KRUGER\nI don't know what it is, I can't put\nmy finger on it, but lately\n\nyou have just seemed 'on'. And you always leave me wanting more.\n\nGEORGE\nThis is a huge project involving lots\nof numbers and papers and\n\nfolders.\n\nMR. KRUGER\nAh, I'm not too worried about it. Let's\nget started.\n\nGEORGE\nOkay.\n\nMR. KRUGER\nGeorge? Check it out. (He begins to\nspin around in his chair)\n\nThree times around, no feet.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd?\n\nMR. KRUGER\nAll me.\n\nKramer and Mickey are back at Mt. Sinai.\n\nDR. WEXLER\nAlright, and here are you ailments for\nthis week. By the way, Mr.\n\nKramer, you were excellent.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, thank you.\n\nMICKEY\nCirrhosis of the liver with jaundice!\nAlright I get to wear make-up!\n\nWhat did you get?\n\nKRAMER\nGonorrhea? Excuse me, I think there's\nbeen a mistake, see, I had\n\ngonorrhea last week.\n\nDR. WEXLER\nOh, it's no mistake. We loved what you\ndid with it.\n\nKRAMER\nI don't believe this, I'm being typecast.\n\nJerry and Sophie are at Jerry's playing chess.\n\nSOPHIE\nI move my knight... here. Check.\n\nJERRY\nThey should update these pieces, nobody\nrides horses anymore. Maybe\n\nthey should change it to a tractor.\n\nSOPHIE\nJerry, are you embarrassed that you're\nlosing?\n\nJERRY\nLosing? You know, yesterday I lost control\nof my car, almost bought the\n\nfarm.\n\nSOPHIE\nBought the farm?\n\nJERRY\nTractor!\n\nSOPHIE\nThis is an odd side of you, Jerry. I\nfeel uncomfortable.\n\nJERRY\nWait, don't go. Let's thumb wrestle.\n\nSophie drops her purse and when she bends down to pick it up,\nJerry nods\n\nknowingly.\n\nJerry and George are at the coffee shop.\n\nGEORGE\nA scar?\n\nJERRY\nA big long scar where her leg would\ndangle when she's riding a...?\n\nGEORGE\nA tractor.\n\nJERRY\nI'm sure she's a little self-conscious\nand doesn't like to talk about\n\nit.\n\nGEORGE\nI don't see why's she more self-conscious\nabout that than her toe\n\nthumbs.\n\nJERRY\nShe doesn't have toe thumbs.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, if she keeps horsing around with\nthat tractor--\n\nJERRY\nAlright. So how's the two-man operation\nat Kruger?\n\nGEORGE\nTwo-man? It's all me. Kruger doesn't\ndo anything; Disappears for\n\nhours at a time, gives me fake excuses. This afternoon I found\nhim with sleep\n\ncreases on his face. The only reason I got out to get a bite\ntoday was that he\n\nfinally promised to buckle down and do some actual work. (turning\naround, George\n\nsees Mr. Kruger at a booth eating a piece of cake) Oh, I don't\nbelieve this.\n\nThis is what I have to put up with, Jerry. (He walks over) Mr.\nKruger? Who\n\nsaid he was going to do some actual work today? Who?\n\nMR. KRUGER\nI'm not too worried about it.\n\nGEORGE\nWell I am. Couldn't you try to go through\nsome of that stuff I put in\n\nyour shoebox?\n\nMR. KRUGER\nAlright, alright I'm going.\n\nGEORGE\nHuh-ho! Have you ever seen anything\nlike this?\n\nJERRY\nNever.\n\nElaine's hallway. The door opens, Puddy steps out in his bathrobe.\nThere's a\n\nnewspaper in front of the door across from Elaine's.\n\nPUDDY\nElaine, they forgot to deliver your\npaper today. Why don't you just\n\ngrab that one.\n\nELAINE\n'Cause that belongs to Mr. Potato Guy,\nthat's his.\n\nPUDDY\nC'mon, get it.\n\nELAINE\nWell if you want it, you get it.\n\nPUDDY\nSorry, thou shalt not steal.\n\nELAINE\nOh, but it's ok for me?\n\nPUDDY\nWhat do you care, you know where you're\ngoing.\n\nELAINE\nAlright, that is it! I can't live like\nthis.\n\nPUDDY\nNah.\n\nELAINE\nC'mon.\n\nPUDDY\nAlright, what did I do?\n\nELAINE\nDavid, I'm going to hell! The worst\nplace in the world! With devils\n\nand those caves and the ragged clothing! And the heat! My god,\nthe heat! I\n\nmean, what do you think about all that?\n\nPUDDY\nGonna be rough.\n\nELAINE\nUh, you should be trying to save me!\n\nPUDDY\nDon't boss me! This is why you're going\nto hell.\n\nELAINE\nI am not going to hell and if you think\nI'm going to hell, you should\n\ncare that I'm going to hell even though I am not.\n\nPUDDY\nYou stole my Jesus fish, didn't you?\n\nELAINE\nYeah, that's right!\n\nElaine places her hands beside her head, index fingers raised\nas 'horns' and she\n\nemits a gutteral growling sound.\n\nMt Sanai Hospital. The actors are gathered. Mickey is practicing\nhis part.\n\nMICKEY\nOh, my liver! Why did I drink all those\nyears? Why did I look for\n\nlove in a bottle?\n\nDR. WEXLER\nMr. Kramer? You're up.\n\nKramer walks in, his face is noticably yellow.\n\nMICKEY\nWait a minute. You are doing gonorrhea,\naren't you?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, we'll see.\n\nSTUDENT #2\nSo, what seems to be bothering you today,\nMr. Kramer?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I guess it\n\nstarted about twenty years ago when I got back from Viet Nam,\nand this was the\n\nonly friend I had left.\n\nMICKEY\nHey! That's my cirrhosis! He's stealing\nmy cirrhosis! (he jumps\n\nKramer) You wanna be sick? I'll make you sick.\n\nThey fall to the floor, wrestling.\n\nSTUDENT #2\nCirrhosis of the liver and PCP addiction?\n\nElaine and Puddy have gone to see a priest, Father Curtis.\n\nFATHER CURTIS\nLet me see if I understand this. You're\nconcerned that he isn't\n\nconcerned that you're going to hell. And you feel that she's\ntoo bossy.\n\nELAINE AND PUDDY\nYeah, that's right.\n\nFATHER CURTIS\nWell, oftentimes in cases of inter-faith\nmarriages, couples have\n\ndifficulty--\n\nELAINE\nWoah, woah, woah! No one's getting married\nhere.\n\nFATHER CURTIS\nYou aren't?\n\nPUDDY\nNo.\n\nELAINE\nWe're just, you know, having a good\ntime.\n\nFATHER CURTIS\nOh, well then it's simple. You're both\ngoing to hell.\n\nPUDDY\nNo way, this is bogus, man!\n\nELAINE\nWell, thank you father.\n\nFATHER CURTIS\nOh, did you hear the one about the new\nguy in hell who's talkng\n\nto the devil by the coffee machine?\n\nPUDDY\nI'm really not in the mood, I'm going\nto hell.\n\nELAINE\nOh, lighten up. It'll only feel like\nan eternity.\n\nElaine makes the same 'fingers up' devil gesture as she did in\nher apartment and\n\nFather Curtis joins in.\n\nJerry and Sophie ar at Jerry's apartment.\n\nSOPHIE\nYou know, Jerry, there's this thing\nthat I haven't told you about.\n\nSee, there was this tractor and, oh boy, this is really difficult.\n\nJERRY\nSophie, it's me. I know about the tractor\nstory and I'm fine with it.\n\nSOPHIE\nHow could you know?\n\nJerry (putting his finger to Sophie's lips, then to his own,\nthen back to\n\nSOPIE'S)\nShh. Shh. Shh. It's not important. What's\nimportant is I'm not\n\ngonna let a little thing like that ruin what could be a very\nlong-term and\n\nmeaningful relationship.\n\nKramer and Mickey barge in, they're in the middle of an argument.\n\nKRAMER\n...I didn't say that, no.\n\nMICKEY\nYou gave me gonorrhea, you didn't even\ntell me!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I'm sorry. I gave you gonorrhea\nbecause I thought you'd have fun\n\nwith it.\n\nJERRY\nHey, hey! I'm with someone.\n\nKRAMER\nOh. Hello.\n\nSOPHIE\nNo, I understand. This could be a tough\nthing to deal with. The\n\nimportant thing is that you have a partner who's supportive.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know? She's right.\n\nSOPHIE\nUnfortunately, I didn't have a partner.\nI got gonorrhea from a\n\ntractor.\n\nJERRY\nYou got gonorrhea from a tractor?? And\nyou call *that* your tractor\n\nstory??\n\nKRAMER\nYou can't get it from that.\n\nSOPHIE\nBut I did. My boyfriend said I got gonorrhea\nfrom riding the tractor\n\nin my bathing suit.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, that's it for me. You've been\ngreat. Goodnight\n\neverybody.\n\nMr. Kruger and George are burning the midnight oil. George is\nworking, Mr.\n\nKruger is bouncing a ball against the wall and catching it. George\nis\n\npercolating.\n\nGEORGE\nWould you mind helping me out with some\nof this stuff?!?\n\nMR. KRUGER\nYou seem like you've got a pretty good\nhandle on it.\n\nGEORGE\nNo! I don't! Don't you even care? This\nis your company! It's your\n\nname on the outside of the building! Speaking of which, the 'R'\nfell off and\n\nall it says now is K-uger!\n\nMR. KRUGER\nK-uger, that sounds like one of those\nold-time car horns, huh?\n\nK-uger! K-uger!\n\nGEORGE\nHuh-ho! Oh! You are too much, Mr. Kruger!\nToo much!\n\nMR. KRUGER\nThank you George, you've been great.\nThat's\n\nit for me.\n\nGEORGE\nOh no, you're not going out on a high\nnote with me Mr. Kruger!\n\nMR. KRUGER\nIt's K-uger!\n\nGEORGE\nNo! No!\n\nMR. KRUGER\nGoodnight everybody!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Bookstore.html",
    "text": "THE BOOKSTORE\n\nWritten by\n\nSpike Feresten, Darin Henry & Mark Jaffe\n\n(Bookstore)\n\n(George and Jerry both enter a bookstore)\n\nGEORGE\nI read somewhere that this Brentano's\nis the place to meet girls in New York.\n\nJERRY\nFirst it was the health club, then the\nsupermarket, now the bookstore. They\ncould put it anywhere they want, no\none's meetin' anybody.\n\n(Kramer walks up to Jerry and George while leafing through a\nbook)\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, look at all these pagodas, huh?\nI gotta get over to Hong Kong before\nit all goes back to China..\n\nJERRY\n(Sarcastic) You better hurry.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm gonna hit the head.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, boy, look at this. Hong Kong's outlawed\nthe rickshaw. See, I always thought\nthose would be perfect for New York.\n\nJERRY\n(Sarcastic) Yes. The city needs more\nslow-moving wicker vehicles.\n\n(George is about to go into the bathroom. He grabs a book on\nhis way in)\n\nKRAMER\nHmm, Elaine's been to Hong Kong. I should\ngive her a call.\n\nJERRY\nShe's at that annual Peterman party\ntonight. You know the one she danced\nat last year?\n\nKRAMER\n(Remembering) No, that wasn't dancing.\n\nJERRY\n(Pointing) Hey, there's Leo.\n\nKRAMER\nOh? Who's Leo?\n\nJERRY\nUncle Leo.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah. Right. Uncle, Leo. Forgot\nhis first name..\n\n(Kramer and Jerry both watch Leo looking at the books on a shelf.\nThen, Leo takes a book and puts it under his coat)\n\nJERRY\nDid I just see that?!\n\nKRAMER\n(To Jerry) Well, that ougta keep you\nbusy for a few days, huh?\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nThe Annual Peterman Party)\n\n(Elaine is sitting alone at a table. Walter, a co-worker, comes\nup to her)\n\nWALTER\n(Joking around with her) So, Elaine..\nare you going to dance this year?\n\nELAINE\nMaybe.. All over your face!\n\n(A waiter serving food approaches Elaine)\n\nWAITER\nIf you do dance, the cooks want to know\n- so they can be brought out of the\nkitchen. They missed it last year.\n\n(Elaine is looking both angry and embarrassed. Scene cuts to\nPeterman giving a toast)\n\nPETERMAN\nMy friends, a toast. As the wolly-haired\nMelanasians of Papua, New Guinea once\nsaid, (Makes a series of clicking and\npopping sounds. The music\n\nstarts up) All right! Who's dancing? (No one makes a gesture\nthat they intend to dance) No one? Alright, I'll just have to\nget things started. (Grabs a female\n\nemployee, and starts dancing with her. The crowd is impressed)\n\n(Scene cuts back to Elaine's table. A fellow employee sits down\nat Elaine's table)\n\nZACH\nHi, I'm Zach.\n\nELAINE\nHi, I'm miserable. (They both laugh)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nBookstore)\n\n(George casually puts the large book he took into the bathroom\nwith him on the shelf. A manager notices, and approaches him)\n\nMANAGER\nExcuse me, Sir. What are you doing?\n\nGEORGE\n(Acting innocent) I'm all set.\n\nMANAGER\n(Pointing) Did you take that book with\nyou into the bathroom?\n\nGEORGE\n(Not sure what the answer should be)\nWhat do you want to hear?\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nThe Coffee shop)\n\n(George and Jerry are at Monk's Coffee shop)\n\nGEORGE\nThey made me buy it.. A hundred bucks\nthis thing cost me. (Gesturing to the\nbook) How dare they?! I got news for\nyou, if it wasn't for the toilet, there\n\nwould be no books.\n\nJERRY\n(Sarcastic) Yeah. I understand Guttenberg\nused to spend a lot of time in there.\n\nGEORGE\nThey're selling coffee, bran muffins..\nyou're surrounded by reading material.\nIt's entrapment!\n\nJERRY\n(Reading the cover of the book George\nwas forced to buy) 'French Impressionist\nPaintings'?\n\nGEORGE\nI find the soothing pastorial images\nvery conduc-\n\nJERRY\n(Cutting him off) Thank you very much.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I'm gonna go back there later\nand return it when there's different\npeople working.. You want to catch a\nmovie?\n\nJERRY\nI can't. I'm meeting Uncle Leo. I saw\nhim shoplifting at the bookstore.\n\nGEORGE\n(Praising Leo's stealing) Alright, Leo!\nStickin' it to the man!\n\n(Elaine enters and sits down)\n\nJERRY\nSleeping in the caragain?\n\nELAINE\nCocktail flu.\n\nJERRY\n(Remembering) Oh, right. The big party..\n\nGEORGE\nYou, uh, didn't dance again, did you?\n\nELAINE\n(Angered) No, I found a better way to\nhumiliate myself. There was this guy,\nand we had a few too many..\n\nGEORGE\nYou went home with him?\n\nELAINE\nWorse. We made out at the table like\nour plane was going down!\n\nJERRY\n(Rubbing it in) Ah, the drunken make-out.\nAn office classic. Did you end up xeroxing\nanything?\n\nELAINE\n(Gives Jerry a look) Do you know how\nembarrassing this is to someone in my\nposition?\n\nJERRY\n(Confused) What's your position?\n\nELAINE\nI am an associate.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, me too.\n\n(A waitress, passing their table, speaks up)\n\nWAITRESS\nYeah, me too.\n\nELAINE\nOh God. Why did I do this? Now I'm the\noffice skank.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, unless you tell everybody you're\ndating.\n\nELAINE\n(Liking the idea) Ohh.. right. Cause\nif we're dating, what everyone saw was\njust a beautiful moment between two\nlovers.\n\nJERRY\n(Jokingly rubbing it in) As opposed\nto a spirited bout of Skanko-Roman wrestling.\n\nELAINE\n(Sarcastic) Oh, bravo.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nJerry's apartment)\n\n(Jerry enters his apartment to find Newman and Kramer having\na conference at his table)\n\nJERRY\n(Sarcastic) Oh, hey. Can I fix you fellas\nsome drinks and sandwiches?\n\nKRAMER\n(Taking his offer seriously) No, we've\nalready eaten.\n\nNEWMAN\n(Gesturing to dishes and silverware\non the table) But you can clear some\nof this stuff out of the way.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, check this out. (Pointing at\nsome papers on the table) Remember my\nidea about rickshaws in New Youk? Well,\nwe're gonna make it happen!\n\nJERRY\n(Jokingly trying to be skeptical) No,\nyou're not.\n\nKRAMER\nNewman, he knows a guy in the Hong Kong\npost office..\n\nJERRY\n(Still skeptical) No, he doesn't.\n\nNEWMAN\nHe's shipping us a rickshaw. It can't\nmiss!\n\nJERRY\nYes, it can.\n\nKRAMER\nWe'll start out with one, and they when\nit catches on, we're gonna have a whole\nfleet!\n\nNEWMAN\nIt's the romance of the Handsome Cab\nwithout the guilt or dander of the equine.\n\nJERRY\nSo, who's gonna pull this thing?\n\n(Kramer and Newman both look at eachother)\n\nKRAMER\n(To Newman) Well, I just assumed you\nwould.\n\nNEWMAN\nYeah, but I though-\n\nKRAMER\n(Stopping his thought) Da-da-da-da no.\n\nJERRY\n(Extremely happy about Kramer and Newman's\ndilemma) My, isn't this an awkward moment?\n\nKRAMER\n(Brainstorming) What about the homeless?\n\nNEWMAN\nCan't we worry about them later?\n\nKRAMER\n(Explaining) To pull the rickshaw.\n\nNEWMAN\n(Pondering Kramer's plan out loud) They\ndo have an intimate knowledge of the\nstreet..\n\nKRAMER\nThey're always walkin' around the city.\nWhy not just strap something to them?!\n\nJERRY\n(Sarcastic) Now, that's the first sensible\nidea I've heard all day.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nThe Coffee shop)\n\n(Uncle Leo enters, and joins Jerry at his booth)\n\nLEO\nJerry, hello! (Sits down)\n\nJERRY\nSo, Leo, how's everything? You doin'\nOkay?\n\nLEO\nI still have the ringing in the ears.\nSounds like the phone.\n\nJERRY\n(Shrugging his problems off) Yeah, yeah.\nBut what about money? Are you strapped?\nDo you need a little?\n\nLEO\nWhat, are you kidding? I should you\nloaning you money! (Quickly amending\nwhat he just said) But I'm not.\n\nJERRY\n(Being frank) Leo, I saw you in Brentano's\nyesterday.\n\nLEO\nWhy didn't ya say hello?\n\nJERRY\nBecause you were too busy stealing a\nbook.\n\nLEO\n(Giving a courtesy lesson) You still\nsay hello.\n\nJERRY\n(Showing that it's a problem) Leo, I\nsaw you steal.\n\nLEO\nOh, they don't care. We all do it.\n\nJERRY\nWho, criminals?\n\nLEO\nSenior citizens. No big deal.\n\nJERRY\nYou could get arrested.\n\nLEO\nArrested? Come on! (Goes into a routine\nexplaination for his stealing) I'm an\nold man. I'm confused! I thought I paid\nfor it. What's my name? Will you take\nme\n\nhome?\n\nJERRY\n(Pleading) Leo..\n\nLEO\nAlright, alright. Mr. Goody Two-Shoes.\nYou made your point.\n\nJERRY\n(Thinking he's stopped Leo's thefts)\nThank you.\n\nLEO\n(Yelling out to every one in the coffee\nshop) Will somebody answer that damn\nphone?!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nPeterman office building hallway)\n\nELAINE\n(Talking to a co-worker) Of course Zach\nand I have been dating. What'd you think,\nI was the office skank?\n\nWALTER\nWell..\n\nELAINE\n\"Well\"? We've been dating for three\nmonths. Between you and me, and.. anyone\nelse you want to tell.\n\n(Elaine enters into the break room. There, she sees Zach making\nout with another co-worker)\n\nELAINE\n(Exits, closing the door behind her)\nOh man. Ugh..\n\nWALTER\n(Pointing at the closed door) Isn't\nthat Zach?\n\nELAINE\nYeah.\n\nWALTER\nAren't you upset?\n\nELAINE\n(Starts to fake cry) Yes. Oh, man! Oh!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nNYC street)\n\n(Kramer and Newman are standing there with a rickshaw. Close\nby are three homeless guys in a line)\n\nKRAMER\nAlright, listen up. Now, you three have\nbeen hand-picked out of possibly dozens\nthat applied. Now, what we're looking\nfor are motivated,\n\nhard-working, homeless gentlemen like yourselves to pull rickshaws.\n(One of the homeless men starts to wander off, walking away)\nNow, I don't caer where you're\n\nfrom, or how you got here, or what happened to your homes. But\nyou will have to be physically fit.\n\n(One of the 2 remaining homeless men drops a bottle)\n\nHOMELESS MAN\nThe government!\n\nKRAMER\n(Continuing as if nothing happened)\nBecause to pull rickshaws means more\nthan just strong legs. You're also going\nto need a well-toned upper body.\n\n(Kramer looks at the two confused guys) Or a shirt..\n\nNEWMAN\nAlright, who's first?\n\n(The homeless man with a shirt raises his hand. Kramer pats him\non the shoulder - dust flies into the air)\n\nKRMAER\nHey.\n\nNEWMAN\nName, please.\n\nHOMELESS MAN\nRusty.\n\nNEWMAN\n(Writing on a clipboard) Rusty.\n\nKRAMER\n(To Rusty) You know, I once knew a horse\nnamed Rusty. No offence.\n\nNEWMAN\n(To Rusty) Alright, uh, take it down\nto the end of the block. Make a controlled\nturn, and bring her back. Let's see\nwhat you've got! Ok? Ready, and\n\ngo!\n\n(Rusty takes off down the street with the rickshaw)\n\nKRAMER\n(Watching Rusty's pulling of the rickshaw)\nGiddy up! Good form.\n\nNEWMAN\n(Yelling out to Rusty) Alright, pace\nyourself, 'Cause you're gonna have to\ndo this all day for very little money.\n\n(They both notice that Rusty is not stopping)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, what's he doin'?\n\nNEWMAN\nI think he stealing our rickshaw!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, then, he's out!\n\n(Newman stops his timer. The other homeless man is still standing\nin line - alone)\n\nHOMELESS MAN 2\n(Salutes Kramer) I'll take the job.\nPotato salad!\"\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nBookstore)\n\n(Jerry and George are at Brentano's. George is trying to return\nthe book)\n\nGEORGE\nYes, I, uh, I need to return this book.\n\nCASHIER\n(Puts the book's code into the computer)\nI'm sorry, we can't take this book back.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy not?\n\nCASHIER\nIt's been flagged.\n\nGEORGE\n(Confused) Flagged?\n\nCASHIER\nIt's been in the bathroom.\n\nGEORGE\nIt says that on the computer?\n\nCASHIER\nPlease take it home. We don't want it\nnear the other books.\n\nGEORGE\n(Outraged. Leaving) Well, you just lost\na lot of business! Because I love to\nread!\n\n(George storms out. Jerry is about to follow until he sees Leo\nstealing another book)\n\nJERRY\n(To himself) I don't believe this! (Walks\nover to a security guard) Excuse me,\nI wonder if you could do me a favor?\nMy uncle's having a little problem with\n\nshoplifting..\n\nGUARD\nMm-hmm. Where's your uncle?\n\nJERRY\n(Pointing) He's over there in the overcoat.\nIf you could just kind of put a scare\ninto him.. You know, set him straight..\n\nGAURD\n(Into his walkie-talkie) We have a 51-50\nin paperbacks. All units respond.\n\nJERRY\n'51-50'? That - that's just a scare,\nright?\n\nGUARD\nSir, I'm gonna have to ask you to stand\nout of the way and let us handle this.\n(The Guard rushes tward Uncle Leo) Swarm!\nSwarm!\n\n(Suddenly, Leo is surrounded by guards)\n\nLEO\nWhat?! I'm an old man! I'm confused!\n\nGUARD\nYou're under arrest.\n\nJERRY\n(To Guard) I just wanted you to scare\nhim.\n\nLEO\nJerry, you ratted me out?!\n\nJERRY\n(Unsure of what to say - he remember's\nLeo's courtesy tip) Hello?\n\nLEO\nHello.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nJerry's apartment)\n\n(Jerry is on the phone with his parents)\n\nJERRY\nMom, I didn't rat out Uncle Leo. I just\nwanted the guard to scare him straight.\n\nHELEN\nJerry, he won't last a day in prison.\n\nJERRY\n(Scoffing) Prison. I'm sure it's just\na fine.\n\nMORTY\nShe's got priors.\n\nJERRY\n(Not believeing it) Prior convictions?\nLeo?\n\nHELEN\nIt was a crime of passion. Leave it\nalone.\n\nMORTY\nBesides, it's not stealing if it's something\nyou need.\n\nJERRY\n(Confused) What does that mean?\n\nHELEN\nNobody pays for everyting.\n\nJERRY\n(Shocked at his parents) You're stealing\ntoo?!\n\nMORTY\nNothing. Batteries. (Jerry scoffs) Well,\nthey wear out so quick.\n\nJERRY\nMom, you too?\n\nHELEN\nSometimes your father forgets, so I\nhave to steal them.\n\n(Kramer and Newman both enter)\n\nJERRY\nAlright, I'll talk to you later.\n\nKRAMER\n(While washing his hands in Jerry's\nkithen sink) Well, the rickshaw's gone.\nWe strapped it to a homeless guy and\nhe (Makes a noise), he bolted.\n\nJERRY\n(Joking around) Well, you know, eighty-five\npercent of all homeless rickshaw businesses\nfail within the first three months.\n\nKRAMER\n(To Newman) See, we should've gotten\nsome collateral from him.. Like his\nbag of cans, or.. his other bag of cans.\n\nNEWMAN\nWe gotta find that rickshaw. You check\nthe sewers and dumpsters. I'll hit the\nsoup kitchens, bakeries, and smorgasbords.\n\n(Newman and Kramer both go to leave)\n\nJERRY\nTo the Idiotmobile!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nThe Coffee shop)\n\n(Jerry and Elaine are sitting at a booth)\n\nJERRY\nSo, even though you're not really going\nout with this guy, he's cheating on\nyou?\n\nELAINE\nThat is correct. But here's the beauty\npart - now I stand up for myself by\ntelling everybody I'm dumping his sorry\nass, and I'm the office-\n\nJERRY\n(Butting in) Tina Turner?\n\nELAINE\n(Accepting) Alright.\n\n(George enters with his large art book)\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I've to every Brentano's. This\nthing's flagged in every database in\ntown!\n\nJERRY\nIs it so horrible to have to keep a\nbook?\n\nGEORGE\nI don't understand what the big deal\nis. They let you try on pants.\n\nJERRY\n(Stern on George) Not underpants.\n\nELAINE\nHey, that's your Uncle Leo.\n\n(Uncle Leo is at the front desk in Monks. He's paying for his\ncheck)\n\nJERRY\n(Getting up) Uncle Leo. Hello!\n\nLEO\n(Bitter) Jerry.\n\nJERRY\n(Trying to explain) Uncle Leo, I'm sorry.\nI didn't know about your.. past.\n\nLEO\n(Exiting) You mean my crime of passion?\nIf anyone betrays me, I never forget!\n\nJERRY\n(Following Leo out the door) Uncle Leo,\nwait! Hello?!\n\n(Elaine has picked up George's book, and is now thumbing through\nit)\n\nELAINE\nFrench impressionism. Oh, I love this.\n(Looking up at George) Now, what is\nthe problem with this book?\n\nGEORGE\nNothing.\n\nELAINE\nHow much do you want for it?\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, I could let it go for.. say..\na hundred and twenty-five.\n\n(Jerry has given up on Leo, and now rejoins Elaine and George\nat the booth)\n\nJERRY\nLeo's furious. (He stops in his tracks\nwhen he sees Elaine looking at George's\nbook) What is that doing on the table?\n\nGEORGE\n(Wanting Elaine to take it off his hands,\nhe tries to silence Jerry) Jerry, simmer\ndown.\n\nJERRY\n(Pointing) I'm not eating anything in\nthe vicinity of that book.\n\nELAINE\n(Confused) What is wrong with this book?\n\nGEORGE\nSimmer!\n\nJERRY\nThat book has been on a wild ride. George\ntook it into the bathroom with him and-\n\nELAINE\n(Cutting Jerry off, she stands up, trying\nto get away from the book. Yelling out)\nAlright! Everyone clear! Bio-hazard\ncoming through! Clear! Clear!! (Runs\n\nto the bathroom to wash her hands)\n\nGEORGE\n(The damage has been done. He is slightly\nangered at Jerry) May I ask, what do\nyou read in the bathroom?\n\nJERRY\nI don't read in the bathroom.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, aren't you something?\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nElaine's office)\n\n(Peterman walks in)\n\nPETERMAN\nElaine, do you have a moment? It's about\nyour lover.\n\nELAINE\n(Faking a broken heart) Oh yes. I know\nall about his little performance in\nthe break room.\n\nPETERMAN\nElaine, who among us hasn't snuck into\nthe break room to nibble on a love newton?\n\nELAINE\n(Confused) Love newton?\n\nPETERMAN\nI'm afraid the problem with Zach is\nmore serious. He's back on the horse,\nElaine. Smack. White palace. The Chinaman's\nnightcap.\n\nELAINE\nAn addict? (Sacrcastic) Well, it just\nkeeps getting better!\n\nPETERMAN\nAnd, in a tiny way, I almost feel responsible.\nI'm the one who sent him to Thailand\n- in search of low-cost whistles. Filled\nhis head with pseudoerotic\n\ntales of my own Opium excursions. Plus, I have him some phone\nnumbers of places he could score near the hotel.\n\nELAINE\nLook, uh, Mr. Peterman, the fact is\nthat I was planning on breaking up with\nZach anyway. He was cheating on me!\n\nPETERMAN\nDamn it, Elaine. That wasn't Zach. That\nwas the yam-yam. Now, he is going cold\nturkey. (Ordering) And you will be at\nhis side.\n\nELAINE\nOh. Well, you know, I had planned to\nuh-\n\nPETERMAN\n(Cutting her off) No buts, Elaine. Or\nI will strip you of your 'associate'\nstatus. (Goes to leave) Uh, P.S., the\nfirst twenty-four hours are the worst.\n\nBetter bring a poncho.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nJerry's bedroom)\n\n(Jerry is tossing and turning in his bed. Voices are going through\nhis head while he's trying to sleep)\n\nHELEN\nIt was a crime of passion.\n\nLEO\nIf anyone betrays me, I never forget.\n\nHELEN\nHe won't last a day in prison.\n\n(Now, Jerry has slipped into a dream. He visualizes Leo in prison\n*NOTE* The following scene of Leo in jail is a parody of the\nmovie \"Cape Fear\")\n\nLEO\n(Leo has \"Jerry\" written on the fingers\nhis right hand, and \"Hello\" written\non his left. He's doing pull-ups) Jerry.\nHello. Jerry. Hello. Jerry. (Turns to\nthe right,\n\nyelling out) Answer that damn phone!\n\n(Scene cuts to Jerry, who is just now waking up to the phone's\nringing. He answers it)\n\nJERRY\nHello?\n\nELAINE\nHey, it's me.\n\nJERRY\nUncle Leo?\n\nELAINE\n(Sarcastic) Oh, that's nice. What are\nyou up to?\n\nJERRY\nNightmares. You?\n\nELAINE\nMy fake boyfriend is going through real\nwithdrawals.\n\nZACH\n(Yelling out from off-camera) I'm burning\nup! Elaine!\n\nELAINE\nEat your soup!\n\nJERRY\nYou're not feeding him, are you?\n\nELAINE\nWhy? (Zach vomits. Elaine yells out\nto him) I told you, away from the curtains.\nAway. (Pointing) Use your bucket. (He\nvomits again - this time into the\n\nbucket) There you go, that's it. (To Jerry) You know what? I\ngotta go.\n\n(Jerry hangs up, then tries to go back to sleep. Kramer walks\nin)\n\nKRAMER\nHey, buddy.\n\nJERRY\n(Scared) Ah! Kramer!\n\nKRAMER\nI thought I heard you.\n\nJERRY\nGet out of here!\n\nNEWMAN\n(From outside the room) Kramer? Kramer?\n(Enters Jerry's bedroom) There you are.\n\nJERRY\nWill everybody please leave?!\n\nNEWMAN\nI just heard that a postman spotted\na rickshaw down in Battery Park.\n\nKRAMER\nOur rickshaw?\n\nNEWMAN\nIt's entirely possible.\n\nJERRY\nI want everyone out!\n\nKRAMER\n(Exiting the bedroom with Newman) Let's\ntalk in Jerry's kitchen. I'll make some\ncocoa.\n\nNEWMAN\n(To Jerry) Good night.\n\nJERRY\n(Bitter) Good night, Newman.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nPark)\n\n(Newman and Kramer both find the rickshaw and Rusty in the park)\n\nNEWMAN\nThere it is!\n\nKRAMER\nRusty!\n\nRUSTY\nOh, there you are. Oh, do I get the\njob?\n\nKRAMER\n(Sarcastic) Yeah, yeah. We'll get back\nto you. (Pulling the rickshaw with Newman)\nLet's get this baby home.\n\nNEWMAN\nUh..\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nNEWMAN\nYou know, when you think about it, it's\nkind of silly for us both to pull this\nthing all t he way back uptown. I mean,\nafter all, it is a conveyance.\n\nKRAMER\nYes, that's true.\n\nNEWMAN\nSo, which one of us is gonna pull?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, there's only one way to settle\nthis. (Starts pointing back and forth\nbetween Newman and him with each word\nof the rhyme) One spot, two spot,\n\nzig, zag, tear, pop-die, pennygot, tennyum, tear, harum, scare\n'em, rip 'em, tear 'em, tay, taw, toe..\n\nNEWMAN\n(Realizing he won) Yeah.\n\nKRAMER\nBest two out of three? (Starts the pointing\nand the rhyme again) One spot, two spot..\n\n(Scene cuts to Newman riding in the rickshaw - Kramer pulling)\n\nNEMWAN\nHey, boy. Smooth it out up there. Too\nmuch jostling!\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nA homeless charity center)\n\n(Geroge is trying to give the book to the homeless. He comes\nacross Rebecca DeMornay - the same woman who confronted Elaine\nabout her muffin stumps in\n\nepisode \"The Muffin Tops\")\n\nREBECCA\n(Gesturing tward the book) So, you want\nto donate this to charity?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I assume there's some sort of\nwrite-off.\n\nREBECCA\nWhat's the value of the book?\n\nGEORGE\nUh, about two hundred dollars, Miss\nDeMooney.\n\nREBECCA\n(Correcting. Stern) It's DeMornay. Rebecca\nDeMornay.\n\nGEORGE\nOh.\n\nREBECCA\n(Opens the cover of the book) Oh, wait\na second. (Certain) This book has been\nin the bathroom.\n\nGEORGE\n(Nervous) Wh-what are you talking about?\nThat - that's rediculous.\n\nREBECCA\nIt's been flagged. I know. I used to\nwork in a Brentano's. Mister, we're\ntrying to help the homeless heare -\nit's bad enough that we have some nut\nout\n\nthere trying to strap 'em to a rickshaw!\n\nGEORGE\n(Desperate to get rid of the book) Alright,\nI, I'll just take fifty. Do - do we\nhave a deal?\n\nREBECCA\nYeah, and here it is: You get your toilet\nbook out of here, and I won't jump over\nthis counter and punch you in the brain!\n\nGEORGE\nI could take it in merchandise..\n\nREBECCA\n(Threatening to hit him) Here I come..\n\n(George grabs his book and runs for his life)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nBookstore)\n\n(Elaine and Jerry are both at the bookstore. Elaine is talking\nwith the cashier while checking out a book)\n\nELAINE\nSo, this book'll tell me how to get\npuke out of cashmere?\n\nCASHIER\nYeah.\n\nELAINE\nGreat.\n\nJERRY\n(To Elaine) So, the worst is over?\n\nELAINE\nYeah. Now I can break up with him. He's\nclean, and I'm the office hero.\n\nJERRY\nSeems like you're better at fake relationships\nthan real ones.\n\nELAIEN\nYeah, huh. I even got an idea out of\nit. the Detox Poncho.\n\n(She's through buying the book, and is ready to go)\n\nELAINE\n(Leaving Jerry) See ya.\n\nJERRY\n(To cashier) I'd like to speak with\nthe manager, please.\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nNYC Street)\n\n(Newman is being pulled up a steep hill on the rickshaw by Kramer)\n\nNEWMAN\nMind your pace, Boy. Chop, chop!\n\nKRAMER\n(Tired) Oh, I can't go on. I gotta take\na break. (Sets the rickshaw down - taking\na rest)\n\nNEWMAN\nWell, don't tarry. I'm behind schedule\nas it is.\n\nKRAMER\n(Stretching) Oh..\n\n(The rickshaw starts to roll back down the hill)\n\nNEWMAN\n(Scared) Boy.. Boy. Kramer!\n\n(The rickshaw starts to rapidly go down the street. Kramer makes\nan attempt to chase it)\n\nKRAMER\nWoah! Wait!\n\nNEWMAN\nAhhh! Yaaaahhh!\n\n(Scene cuts to Zach. he's walking out into the street)\n\nZACH\n(Optimistic) Well, this is the first\nday of the rest of my life!\n\n(Scene cuts back to Newman - still rolling down the hill)\n\nNEWMAN\nWaaaaahhhh!\n\n(Zach and the rickshaw collide. From back up on top of the street,\nKramer tries to separate himself from the accident. He starts\nwalking, then running away from the\n\ncrushed rickshaw)\n\n(Scene ends)\n\nBookstore)\n\n(Jerry is in Brentano's - waiting for the manager. He sees George\nenter)\n\nJERRY\nGeorge? What are you doin' here?\n\nGEORGE\nI can't sell the book. It's been marked.\n\nJERRY\n(Sarcasticly joking) It certainly has.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, I'm gonna steal another one, and\nthen return it. That way, everything\nis even.\n\nJERRY\n(Trying to straighten things out) You\ndefile one book, steal another, ask\nfor your money back - and to you that's\neven?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm goin' in!\n\n(George walks off to steal one of the books. The manager walks\nup to Jerry)\n\nMANAGER\nDid you want to speak with the manager?\n\nJERRY\nYes. My Uncle Leo was cought shoplifing\nhere the other day..\n\nMANAGER\nYes, Uncle Leo. I remember him. I'm\nsorry, our policy is we prosecute all\nshoplifters.\n\nJERRY\n(Pleading) Oh, come on. He's just a\nlonely old man. All old people steal.\n\nMANAGER\nThat's right. That's why we stopped\ncarrying batteries. Look, I'll be honest\nwith you, we've had a lot of trouble\nwith theft lately - and my boss says\nI have to make an example to someone.\n\nJERRY\nSo it could be anyone?\n\nMANAGER\nI.. guess. As long as we catch him in\nthe act.\n\n(Jerry turns to George. George has a huge bundle under his overcoat\n- and is trying to act innocent)\n\nJERRY\nThat guy! (Pointing at George) Swarm!\nSwarm!\n\n(George is instantly surrounded by guards)\n\nGEORGE\nNo! Jerry!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Frogger.html",
    "text": "THE FROGGER\n\nWritten by\n\nGregg Kavet, Andy Robin, Steve Koren & Dan O'Keefe\n\nINT. J. PETERMAN LUNCHROOM - DAY\n\nElaine and several co-workers stand around a table which has\na cake sitting on it.\n\nALL\nHappy birthday to you.\n\nWALTER\nThanks.\n\nEveryone claps.\n\nFEMALE WORKER\nElaine, cake?\n\nELAINE\nUh, no, thanks.\n\nFEMALE WORKER\nIt's Walter's special day.\n\nELAINE\nYou know, there are 200 people who work\nin this office. Every day is somebody's\nspecial day.\n\nElaine takes a piece of cake and makes her way to the door, but\nis stopped as a male worker carrying a cake enters.\n\nMALE WORKER\nElaine! Where're you going? It's Walter's\nlast day. We have to celebrate.\n\nELAINE\nIt's his birthday and it's his last\nday?\n\nMALE WORKER\nThis is other-Walter, from returns.\n\nOther-Walter enters followed by more co-workers.\n\nOTHER-WALTER\nHey, what's going on here?\n\nALL\nSurprise!\n\nOTHER-WALTER\nOh guys.\n\nElaine tries to leave, but other-Walter stops her.\n\nOTHER-WALTER\nElaine, it's my last day. Have a piece.\n\nELAINE\nAll right, pile it on.\n\nALL\nFor he's a jolly good fellow...happy\nbirthday to you...for he's a jolly good\nfellow...birthday to you...which nobody\ncan deny...\n\nElaine looks on frustrated.\n\nEXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING\n\nINT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY\n\nJerry and Elaine stand in front of his stereo.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is so bad about having a little\npiece of cake?\n\nELAINE\nIt is the forced socializing. I mean,\njust because we work in the same office,\nwhy do we have to act like we're friends?\n\nJERRY\nWhy aren't you there now?\n\nELAINE\nI had to take a sick day. I'm so sick\nof these people. By the way, I talked\nto Lisi, and tomorrow night's good for\nher.\n\nThey sit on the sofa.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, I shouldn't go out with a\nfriend of yours. I foresee messiness.\n\nELAINE\nYeah, you're better off sitting around\nhere, reading comic books, and eating\nspaghetti at two in the morning..\n\nJERRY\nHey, speaking of tomato sauce, you want\nto come with me and George to Mario's\nPizza?\n\nELAINE\nYour old high school hangout? Why?\n\nJERRY\nThey're closing. We're going for one\nlast slice.\n\nKramer barges through the door holding a roll of yellow police\ntape.\n\nKRAMER\nHey. All right. Hi. Check it out, official\npolice caution tape. Look at that.\n\nJerry walks towards the counter where Kramer has placed some\nof the tape.\n\nKRAMER\nUh-uh-uh. Step back, son, there's nothing\nto see here.\n\nJERRY\nWhere did you get this?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I got it from my cop buddy Doug.\n\nJERRY\nYou sure have a lot of friends. How\ncome I never see any of these people?\n\nKRAMER\nThey want to know why they never see\nyou.\n\nKramer ties a piece of tape around a banana.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm gonna eat that later.\n\nJERRY\nSo they just gave you this?\n\nKRAMER\nOh no, no,. no. I had to fish around\nin the evidence room for it. You know,\nthey're all preoccupied, trying to hunt\ndown this new psycho-serial killer,\nthe Lopper. All right, I'll see ya.\n\nELAINE\nWait a minute, wait a minute. Who is\nthe Lopper?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, it's no big deal. It's just some\nguy who's been running around Riverside\npark-pffff. You know, cutting people's\nheads off.\n\nJERRY\nHow come I haven't read about this?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you know, the police, they've\nbeen having some internal dissension\nabout the name.\n\nELAINE\nReally? What're the other titles?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, Headso...uh...The Denogginizer...Son\nof dad.\n\nJERRY\nSon of dad?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. That was my suggestion. It's sort\nof a catchall.\n\nEXT. MARIO'S PIZZA - DAY - ESTABLISHING\n\nGEORGE\nMario's Pizza.\n\nINT. MARIO'S PIZZA - DAY\n\nGeorge and Jerry admire their former hang out. Mario, an elder\nman, stands behind the counter.\n\nGEORGE\nJust as she was. Hey, Mario! Remember\nus?\n\nMARIO\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nWe used to come in every day.\n\nMARIO\nSo where ya been? We're tanking here.\n\nGEORGE\nWe'll have 2 slices and 2 grape sodas.\n\nMARIO\nOh, thanks. That'll save us.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, make it the large sodas.\n\nGeorge and Jerry walk across the room.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, Jerry, remember Frogger? I used\nto be so into this game. Gettin' that\nfrog across the street was my entire\nlife.\n\nThey walk over to watch a boy playing Frogger.\n\nJERRY\nYeah. And then you went on to...Well,\nit's a good game.\n\nGEORGE\nDouble jump! Eat the fly! Eat it!\n\nThe boy loses.\n\nBOY\nThanks a lot.\n\nGEORGE\nAh, beat it, punk.\n\nThe boy exits.\n\nJERRY\nHey, look at the high score--\"G.L.C.\"\nGeorge Louis Costanza. That's not you,\nis it?\n\nGEORGE\nYes! 860,000. I can't believe it's still\nstanding. No one has beaten me in like\n10 years.\n\nJERRY\nI remember that night.\n\nGEORGE\nThe perfect combination of Mountain\nDew and mozzarella...just the right\namount of grease on the joy stick...\n\nMARIO\nHere's your pizza pea brains.\n\nJERRY\nI think I remember why we stopped coming\nhere.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nEXT. J PETERMAN BUILDING - DAY - ESTABLISHING\n\nINT. ELAINE'S OFFICE - DAY\n\nElaine is sitting at her desk smelling a pen.\n\nELAINE\nThis pen smells really bad. So why do\nI keep smelling it? Is it too late for\nme to go to law school?\n\nThere's a knock on the door and several co-workers enter with\na cake.\n\nELAINE\nWhat is this?\n\nMALE WORKER\nYou were out sick yesterday, so we got\nyou a get-well cake.\n\nFEMALE WORKER\nIt's carrot. It's good for you.\n\nWORKERS\nGet well get well soon, we wish you\nto get--\n\nELAINE\nStop it! That's not even a song! I mean,\nnow we're celebrating a sick day?\n\nMALE WORKER\nI think it's nice.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? What is nice? Trying to fill the\nvoid in your life with flour and sugar\nand egg and vanilla? I mean, we are\nall unhappy. Do we have to be fat, too?\nNot you Becky, I know you have a slow\nmetabolism. I don't want one more piece\nof cake in my office!\n\nAnother worker enters late.\n\nWORKER\nGet well, get well soon--\n\nMALE WORKER\nIt's not happening.\n\nThey all start to leave disappointed.\n\nBECKY\nCan we still it eat?\n\nEXT. MONK'S DINER - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING\n\nINT. MONK'S DINER - NIGHT\n\nJerry and Lisi sit at the usual booth.\n\nJERRY\nI'll tell you Lisi, I never expected\nthat movie to--\n\nLISI\nEnd under water?\n\nJERRY\nBe that long. I mean, most action movies\nare--\n\nLISI\nSo much more violent.\n\nJERRY\nNot as long.\n\nLISI\nWell, I should probably--\n\nJERRY\nGet going.\n\nLISI\nYeah.\n\nThey both stand.\n\nJERRY\nWell, it was nice meeting you. I'm sure\nI'll see you--\n\nLISI\nEight tomorrow?\n\nJERRY\nActually, that's--\n\nLISI\nWhat you were thinking.\n\nJERRY\nRight.\n\nLisi leaves and Jerry goes to pay the cashier. George enters.\n\nGEORGE\nOh! Here you are. Ha ha...You, uh, you\nwant to--\n\nJERRY\nSure. (points at booth) How about this\none?\n\nThey both sit down at their booth.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I'm doing it, Jerry. I'm buying\nthe Frogger machine. Now the torch will\nburn forever.\n\nJERRY\nFabulous. See, now you're really do\nsomething.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, you want to come down to Mario's\nPizza with me and help me pick up the\nFrogger?\n\nJERRY\nHey, how you gonna keep the machine\nplugged in while you move it?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nOnce you unplug the machine, all the\nscores will be erased.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're right. Why must there always\nbe a problem? You'd think just once\nI could get a break. God knows I earned\nit with that score!\n\nGeorge gets up and leaves in a huff.\n\nEXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY- ESTABLISHING\n\nKRAMER\nWell, more bad news Jerry.\n\nINT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY\n\nKramer and Jerry are talking near the kitchen counter. George\nis sitting at the table on Jerry's cordless phone. An open phone\nbook is in front of him.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know the police, they found another\nvictim of the Lopper in Riverside Park.\nI saw the photo, and it looked a lot\nlike you.\n\nJERRYL Oh, come on. There's a lot of people walking around the\ncity that look like me.\n\nKRAMER\nNot as many as there used to be.\n\nGEORGE\nNo. I need a guy that can rig a Frogger\nmachine so that I can move it without\nlosing power, 'cause I have the high\nscore. H-hello?\n\nKramer peels and eats an orange.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, George, you're not gonna find\nan electrician like that in the yellow\npages. Now, I know just the guy who\ncan do this.\n\nJERRY\nAnother friend?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, no, no, no. This guy is no friend.\nIn fact, we don't even get along.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, is he good, Kramer?\n\nGeorge gets up and walks towards Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, he's the best...and the worst.\n\nGEORGE\nKramer, listen to me. I'm never gonna\nhave a child. If I lose this Frogger\nhigh score, that's it for me.\n\nKRAMER\nBelieve me George, you can count on\nSlippery Pete.\n\nGEORGE\nSlippery Pete?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I don't care for the name, either.\nIn fact, that's one of the things that\nwe argue about.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, I'm gonna find a guy with\na truck. GLC must live on!\n\nGeorge grabs his coat and leaves the apartment. The phone rings.\nJerry tries to get by Kramer.\n\nJERRY\nCome on.\n\nKRAMER\nDng-ga-gng-ga-wt.\n\nJerry picks up the phone.\n\nJERRY\nHello?\n\nINTERCUT\n\nINT. ELAINE'S OFFICE/JERRY'S APARTMENT\n\nElaine is on the phone and is smelling her tape dispenser.\n\nELAINE\nSo how's it going with my friend?\n\nJERRY\nShe's a sentence finisher. It's like\ndating Mad Libs.\n\nPeople can be heard singing \"Happy Birthday\" in the background\nof Elaine's office.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is that?\n\nELAINE\nOh, it's a cake party. It's the third\none today. I didn't realize how hooked\nI got on that 4:00 sugar rush.\n\nJERRY\nSo join in.\n\nELAINE\nI can't. I denounced them. Maybe I'll\ngo raid Peterman's fridge. He's always\ngot a truffle or something in there.\n\nJERRY\nAll right.\n\nJerry hangs up and stands up to find some police tape around\na broken egg on the floor.\n\nJERRY\nHey, wh-what--\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. I dropped an egg. Be careful.\n\nKramer leaves.\n\nEXT. J. PETERMAN BUILDING - DAY - ESTABLISHING\n\nINT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE - DAY\n\nElaine knocks on the open door.\n\nELAINE\nAnybody here? Peterboy?\n\nNo one answers. She runs over to Peterman's fridge, opens it,\nand takes out a box. She opens the box to find a cake.\n\nELAINE\nOoh, it's a cake walk.\n\nShe takes a bite of the cake. Outside in the hallway, Mr. Peterman\ncan be heard singing.\n\nPETERMAN\nGet well, get well soon we wish you\nto get well.\n\nElaine quickly puts the box back in the fridge. Mr. Peterman\nenters his office.\n\nPETERMAN\nHa ha ha ha...Oh, what a stirring little\nanthem of wellness.\n\nELAINE\nMr. Peterman, um--\n\nPETERMAN\nWe missed you at the get well party.\nPoor old Walt has a polyp in the duodenum.\nIt's benign, but--ooh--still a bastard.\nOh, Elaine, can you keep a secret?\n\nELAINE\nNo, sir, I can't.\n\nPETERMAN\nInside that small college boy minifridge\nis my latest acquisition. A slice of\ncake from the wedding of King Edward\nVIII to Wallis Simpson, circa 1937,\nprice--$29,000.\n\nEXT. CITY SIDEWALK - NIGHT\n\nJerry and Lisi walk along.\n\nJERRY\nWell Lisi, that was another-\n\nLISI\nLovely evening.\n\nJERRY\nReally bad meal. I was thinking maybe\nwe should--\n\nLISI\nGo for a hansom cab ride?\n\nJERRY\nCall it a night. I'll walk you home.\nWhere do you live?\n\nLISI\n84th street, right off Riverside Park.\n\nJERRY\nRiverside Park.\n\nJerry grabs Lisi and turns around.\n\nLISI\nI thought we were going--\n\nJERRY\nBack to my place. That's right.\n\nEXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING\n\nGeorge and Jerry are sitting on the sofa.\n\nGEORGE\nSo you slept with her?\n\nJERRY\nShe lives right off Riverside Park.\nI was scared of the Lopper, So I let\nher stay over.\n\nGEORGE\nAnd you automatically sleep with her?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I just wanted to make out a little,\nbut she kind of--\n\nGEORGE\nFinished your thought.\n\nGeorge gets up and walks over to the sink. Elaine enters.\n\nELAINE\nGuess what I ate.\n\nGEORGE\nAn ostrich burger.\n\nELAINE\nNo. A $29,000 piece of cake. Peterman\ngot it at The Duke Of Windsor auction.\nIt was the most romantic thing I've\never eaten.\n\nJERRY\nHow'd it taste?\n\nELAINE\nA little stale.\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nSo, uh are you sleeping with Peterman?\n\nELAINE\nNo. He doesn't know I ate it. In fact,\nhe almost caught me. I have to sneak\nback in and even it out.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, they say ostrich has less\nfat, but you eat more of it.\n\nJerry and Elaine start to walk from the counter towards the table.\n\nELAINE\nHey, so I talked to Lisi and she has\ngot a big surprise for you. She's planning\na weekend trip to Pennsylvania Dutch\ncountry.\n\nJERRY\nPennsylvania Dutch country? Oh, that's\nthe serious relationship weekend place.\n\nEALINE\nWhat is going on with you two?\n\nJERRY\nWell, I think by sleeping with her,\nI may have sent her the wrong message.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's that?\n\nElaine opens up a paper bag and pulls out a cookie.\n\nELAINE\n4:00 sugar fix.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I'm calling this off right now.\n\nELAINE\nNo, no. You are way past the phone call\nbreakup stage.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I'm not going over there. That's\nwhere the Lopper is.\n\nELAINE\nOh...it's daylight. It won't take you\nthat long. Just make a clean break.\n\nElaine bites the head of her gingerbread man.\n\nEXT. J. PETERMAN BUILDING - DAY - ESTABLISHING\n\nELAINE\nJust a little off the side...\n\nINT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE - DAY\n\nElaine is at Mr. Peterman's desk with the cake box.\n\nELAINE\nWell, no point in wasting $1,200.\n\nShe eats a slice of the cake as fantasy waltz music starts to\nplay. Elaine dances around the room talking to one of the sculptures\nin the room.\n\nELAINE\nOh, commander, isn't the wedding marvelous?\nMore cake? Oh, I shouldn't. I mustn't.\nAh, what the hell?\n\nShe gets more cake.\n\nEXT. MONK'S DINER - DAY - ESTABLISHING\n\nGEORGE\nNow, each of you is here because you're\nthe best at what you do.\n\nINT. MONK'S DINER - DAY\n\nGeorge, Kramer, Slippery Pete, and Shlomo sit at a booth.\n\nGEORGE\nSlippery Pete, Kramer tells me you are\none hell of a rogue electrician. And\nshlomo, you're the best truck driver.\n\nSHLOMO\nI don't know If I'm the best.\n\nGEORGE\nOh...you're very good.\n\nSHLOMO\nLet's say \"good.\"\n\nGEORGE\nOk. Good. And Kramer, you're in charge\nof taping off the loading zone.\n\nKRAMER\nLock and load.\n\nSLIPPERY PETE\nYou think you can handle that, numb\nnuts?\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, all right, come on, now.\n\nSLIPPERY PETE\nThat was my mail-order bride.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, you weren't home, so I signed for\nher.\n\nSLIPPERY PETE\nIt doesn't give you the right to make\nout with her.\n\nKRAMER\nYou weren't even married yet.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, all right, calm down, calm\ndown. Whatever happened in the past\nis past.\n\nGeorge gets a napkin and starts to draw on it.\n\nGEORGE\nNow, this is the basic layout for Mario's\nPizza.\n\nSHLOMO\nSo what kind of jail time are we looking\nat if we're caught?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat do you mean?\n\nSLIPPERY PETE\nWe're stealing this thing, right?\n\nGEORGE\nNo. I--I paid for it.\n\nSLIPPERY PETE\nI thought we were stealing it.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. It feels like we're stealing it.\n\nGEORGE\nWe're not stealing it.\n\nSHLOMO\nI definitely thought we're stealing\nit.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, let's--let's focus. Can we\nget back to the plan?\n\nSLIPPERY PETE\nWell, I need a battery for this kind\nof a job. Can I at least steal a battery?\n\nGEORGE\nFine. Steal the battery. Now, all right,\nhere is the Frogger. This is the front\ndoor, and this is the outlet.\n\nSLIPPERY PETE\nWhat's that?\n\nGEORGE\nThe outlet?\n\nSLIPPERY PETE\nMm-hmm.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's where the electricity comes out.\n\nSLIPPERT PETE\nOh, you mean the holes.\n\nSHLOMO\nWhich one's the bathroom?\n\nGEORGE\nUh, here.\n\nSHLOMO\nThey put the Frogger with the toilet?\nYecchh.\n\nGEORGE\nThe Frogger is here.\n\nKRAMER\nGeorge, I thought that was the door.\n\nSLIPPERY PETE\nWhere are all the pizza ovens?\n\nSHLOMO\nI thought the bathroom was here.\n\nINT. MARIO'S PIZZA - DAY\n\nGeorge, Shlomo, Slippery Pete, and Kramer are sitting in the\nsame places as they were in the booth at Monk's, but this time\nthey are around a table at Mario's.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. You understand now? It's\nnot that complicated.\n\nEXT. MONK'S DINER - DAY - ESTABLISHING\n\nELAINE\nI need to replace an antique piece of\ncake.\n\nINT. MONK'S DINER - DAY\n\nElaine is sitting at the counter with a Sotheby's auction book\nopen in front of her.\n\nELAINE\nDo you have anything that's been...you\nknow, laying around for a while? Something\nprewar would be just great.\n\nThe waitress leaves and Kramer enters.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, hey, Elaine. What, you got the munchies?\n\nELAINE\nOh, Kramer, I am in big. big, big trouble.\nI need a cake that looks like this.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah--Sotheby's. Yeah. They make\ngood cake.\n\nELAINE\nDo any of these look close?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, but I know I've seen cake just like\nthat. Oh--Entenmann's. Yeah.\n\nELAINE\nEntenmann's? From the supermarket?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, no. They're not really in the\nsupermarket. Yeah, they got their own\ncase at the end of the aisle.\n\nINT. LISI'S APARTMENT - DAY\n\nThere's a knock at the door. Lisi opens it. It's Jerry holding\na baseball bat.\n\nJERRY\nHi, Lisi.\n\nLISI\nHi, honey. Is that a bat?\n\nJERRY\nUh, yeah. I found it on the street.\nIt's gotta be worth something.\n\nLISI\nSo, what do you want to do, Sweetheart?\n\nJERRY\nWell, before we do anything...maybe\nwe should talk.\n\nMONTAGE\n\nLisi is sitting at her couch while Jerry paces behind her.\n\nJERRY\nThen this Pennsylvania Dutch thing comes\nout of nowhere. I mean, how am I supposed\nto respond to that?\n\nBoth Jerry and Lisi are on the couch. Jerry has his head in his\nhands.\n\nLISI\nThen may I say something... without\nbeing interrupted?\n\nLisi is in another room with the door closed. Jerry stands in\nthe hallway and is talking to her through the door.\n\nJERRY\nWell I'm sorry if I ruined your life.\nThat's exactly what I set out to do.\n\nThey are sitting on the couch again. Jerry nods at everything\nLisi mumbles.\n\nLISI\nUh-huh. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh...\n\nNow Jerry is sitting on the couch and Lisi is pacing behind him.\n\nLISI\nAre you afraid to kiss me in public?\n\nJERRY\nHave we even been in public?\n\nJerry is walking away from Lisi and she follows behind him.\n\nLISI\nSo now you're going to tell me what\nI'm thinking. Well, go ahead, 'cause\nI'd really like to know.\n\nLisi is crying and Jerry stands looking over her shoulder.\n\nJERRY\nYou are not dumb. Don't say that..\n\nThey both sit around the coffee table eating beans.\n\nJERRY\nThese beans are pretty good.\n\nLISI\n20 minutes.\n\nNow Jerry is in a room with the door shut. Lisi stands out in\nthe hallway.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I'm sorry I'm not Brad. I'm me!\n\nJerry opens the door.\n\nJERRY\nNice to meet ya!\n\nJerry is lying on the couch while Lisi paces behind.\n\nLISI\nBoy, did your mother do a number on\nyou.\n\nLisi is on the couch with Kleenex and Jerry stands on the other\nside of the couch.\n\nLISI\nFine. So it's over.\n\nJERRY\nOh, thank god. Why is it dark out? What\ntime is it?\n\nLISI\n9:30.\n\nJERRY\nWe've been breaking up for 10 hours?\n\nLISI\nGood-bye, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nLopper. You know, Lisi, maybe we should\ngive this a little more time. See how\nit looks in the light of day.\n\nLISI\nOut!\n\nEXT. LISI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT\n\nJerry steps out of Lisi's building. He looks both ways cautiously\nbefore walking down the steps. Surprised, he sees a shadowy figure\nwalking towards him holding something resembling a head in one\nhand and a knife in the other.\n\nJERRY\nLopper.\n\nHe quickly runs back up to Lisi's building and yells into her\nintercom system.\n\nJERRY\nLisi, Lisi. Let me in! We can work this\nout. I was wrong, you were right. I'll\ndo anything!\n\nShe buzzes him up.\n\nJust as he walks into the building, we see the Lopper is actually\nSlippery Pete carrying a car battery by it's wires.\n\nEXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY\n\nJerry stands outside a boutique store when George arrives carrying\nrope.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, you came for the big moment.\n\nJERRY\nNo. I'm waiting for...\n\nGEORGE\nHa ha. Everything's timed out to perfection,\nJerry. Slippery Pete's got the Frogger\nrunning on battery power, the truck\nwill be there any minute, and Kramer's\ntaped out the loading zone.\n\nJERRY\nOh. Sounds great.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, yeah. You gotta come over tonight.\nWe can play.\n\nJERRY\nOh, I can't. I'm busy. I'm going away\non a long weekend.\n\nGEORGE\nWhere?\n\nLisi exits the boutique wearing a Dutch bonnet.\n\nLISI\nLook what I found. I got one for you,\ntoo.\n\nShe puts a Dutch hat on Jerry head.\n\nJERRY\nGreat. Uh, you know what? Why don't\nyou put it in the car so I don't toss\nit in that dumpster?\n\nLISI\nHa ha. Ok. I'll meet thee in front of\nyour place, 15 minutes.\n\nLisi leaves.\n\nJERRY\nA long, long weekend.\n\nGEORGE\nI hear thee.\n\nINT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE - DAY\n\nElaine has finished replacing the cake. She throws the empty\nEntenmann's box away. She's about to leave, but Mr. Peterman\nenters with another man.\n\nPETERMAN\nElaine! Excellent. I'd like you to meet\na friend of mine, Irwin Lubeck.\n\nELAINE\nOh, hello.\n\nLUBECK\nCharmed.\n\nMr. Peterman gets the cake out of the fridge.\n\nPETERMAN\nAll right, brace yourself, Lubeck. You\nare about to be launched via pastry\nback to the wedding of one of the most\ndashing and romantic Nazi sympathizers\nof the entire British Royal family.\n\nELAINE\nI guess I'll just--\n\nPETERMAN\nOh, no Elaine, stay. Lubeck here is\nthe world's foremost appraiser of vintage\npastry.\n\nLubeck inspects the cake.\n\nPETERMAN\nAll right, Lubeck. How much is she worth?\n\nLUBECK\nI'd say about 219.\n\nPETERMAN\nHa ha ha ha ha!$219,000! Lubeck, you\nglorious titwillow. You just made me\na profit of $190,000.\n\nLUBECK\nNo, $2.19. It's an Entenmann's.\n\nPETERMAN\nDo they have a castle at Windsor?\n\nLUBECK\nNo. They have a display case at the\nend of the aisle.\n\nPETERMAN\nOh, good lord.\n\nLUBECK\nYou all right, Peterman? You look ill.\n\nELAINE\nGet well, get well soon, we want you\nto get well. Get well, get well soon\nwe want you to get well.\n\nEXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY\n\nGeorge and Jerry see Kramer, Shlomo, and Slippery Pete standing\noutside Mario's Pizza. Slippery Pete is playing Frogger.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you guys doing?\n\nSHLOMO\nEat the fly. Eat the fly. Got him!\n\nGEORGE\nYou idiots. You're gonna wear down the\nbattery.\n\nSLIPPERY PETE\nThe batteries are fine. We've got...oh,\ngod. only 3 minutes left.\n\nGEORGE\nQuick. Get this thing back in the pizzeria\n\nKRAMER\nGeorge, they closed up.\n\nGEORGE\nI need an outlet!\n\nSLIPPERY PETE\nA what?\n\nGEORGE\nHoles! I need holes!\n\nKRAMER\nThe pharmacy's still open.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. Kramer, you block off traffic.\nYou to go sweet-talk the pharmacist.\n\nShlomo and Slippery Pete go to the pharmacy.\n\nSLIPPERY PETE\nYou owe me a quarter.\n\nGEORGE\nSlippery Pete. Kramer, hurry up!\n\nKramer ties the police tape to a tree and runs into traffic.\nHe runs out of tape before he can get halfway.\n\nKRAMER\nAhh! I'm out! No tape left!\n\nJERRY\nWell, come on George, I'll help you\npush it across.\n\nGEORGE\nWait a minute. This looks familiar.\nThis reminds me of something. I can\ndo this.\n\nJERRY\nBy yourself?\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, I've been preparing for this\nmoment my entire life.\n\nGeorge pushes the machine onto the street. From a view in the\nsky, we see him dodging cars, hopping back and forth into lanes\nof traffic. Frogger music and sound effects play.\n\nSHLOMO\nHe looks like a Frog.\n\nSLIPPERY PETE\nSo do you.\n\nGeorge makes it across just as a huge truck comes barreling down\nthe street. George tries to get the Frogger onto the sidewalk,\nbut can't. He futilely sticks his hand out trying to stop the\ntruck which honks. George jumps out of the truck's way and onto\nthe sidewalk as the Frogger is smashed.\n\nJERRY\nGame over.\n\nINT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE - DAY\n\nMr. Peterman sits in his chair behind his desk. Elaine knocks\nand enters.\n\nELAINE\nMr. Peterman, you wanted to see me,\nsir?\n\nPETERMAN\nElaine, up until a moment ago, I was\nconvinced that I was on the receiving\nend of one of the oldest baker's grift\nin the books--The Entenmann's shim-sham.\n\nEALINE\nOhh...\n\nPETERMAN\nUntil I remembered the videotape surveillance\nsystem that I installed to catch other-Walter\nusing my latrine. But it also caught\nthis.\n\nMr. Peterman shows Elaine the tape of her waltzing around the\nroom eating the cake.\n\nEALINE\nMr. Peterman, I, uh...\n\nPETERMAN\nElaine, I have a question for you. Is\nthe item still...with you?\n\nELAINE\nUm...as far as I know.\n\nPETERMAN\nDo you know what happens to a butter-based\nfrosting after six decades in a poorly\nventilated English basement?\n\nELAINE\nUh, I guess I hadn't--\n\nPETERMAN\nWell, I have a feeling that what you\nare about to go through is punishment\nenough. Dismissed.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Maid.html",
    "text": "THE MAID\n\nWritten by\n\nAlec Berg, Jeff Schaffer,\n\nDavid Mandel, Kit Boss & Peter Mehlman\n\nINT. MONK'S RESTAURANT - DAY\n\nGeorge and Jerry sit at their usual booth.\n\nJERRY\nCup of tea with lemon.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat happened to your voice?\n\nJERRY\nI was screamin' at hecklers all night.\nThe last time I open for a rodeo.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, Jerry, I been thinkin'. I've gotten\nas far as I can go with George Costanza.\n\nJERRY\nIs this the suicide talk or the nickname\ntalk?\n\nGEORGE\nThe nickname. George. What is that?\nIt's nothing. It's got no snap, no zip.\nI need a nickname that makes people\nlight up.\n\nJERRY\nYou mean like...Liza!\n\nGEORGE\nBut I was thinking...T-bone.\n\nJERRY\nBut there's no \"t\" in your name. What\nabout G-bone?\n\nGEORGE\nThere's no G-bone.\n\nJERRY\nThere's a g-spot.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's a myth.\n\nGeorge takes a bite of his sandwich and gets a piece stuck to\nhis chin.\n\nJERRY\nT-bone, the ladies are gonna love ya.\n\nEXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING\n\nELAINE\nWhy did they hire you for a rodeo?\n\nINT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY\n\nJerry and Elaine are sitting on the sofa chewing gum.\n\nJERRY\nThey heard I opened for Kenny Rogers\nonce.\n\nELAINE\nDidn't he throw you off a bus in the\nmiddle of Alabama or--\n\nJERRY\nOh, I had that comin' to me.\n\nELAINE\nYou know, Kenny Rogers has a-\n\nJerry's maid exits from his bedroom and walks over to the kitchen.\n\nELAINE\nWhy did you get a maid?\n\nJERRY\nYou don't have to whisper. She knows\nshe's a maid.\n\nELAINE\nWhere did you get her?\n\nJERRY\nI hired her from a service!\n\nMAID\nAll done.\n\nJERRY\nThank you. Nice job.\n\nMAID\nIs this mine?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nThe maid leaves Jerry's apartment. Elaine smiles at Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nELAINE\nCome on, Jerry. You didn't notice?\n\nJERRY\nNotice what? She's not really even a\nmaid.\n\nELAINE\nOh.\n\nJERRY\nShe wants to be an actress...or a, uh,\nmodel...or a dancer...or a...news woman.\n\nELAINE\nUh-huh. News woman. Yeah.\n\nKramer enters.\n\nKRAMER\nHey. Well, bad news, boys. My life is\nover. My girlfriend's movin' away.\n\nJERRY\nYou have a girlfriend?\n\nJerry stands up; Kramer opens the fridge.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, where have you been?\n\nJERRY\nAt a rodeo. Where's she moving?\n\nKRAMER\nDowntown.\n\nELAINE\nDowntown New York?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. I don't know if I can handle one\nof these long-distance relationships.\n\nJERRY\nIt's like 10 minutes by subway.\n\nKRAMER\nI don't know.\n\nKramer opens a bottled carbonated drink which overflows and spills\nonto the floor.\n\nKRAMER\nOh! Jeez! Well, you've got a maid. It's\na whole different world downtown-- different\nGap, different Tower Records, and she's\na 646.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? What is that?\n\nJERRY\nThat's the new area code. They've run\nout of 242s, so all the new numbers\nare 646.\n\nELAINE\nI was a 718 when I first moved here.\nI cried every night.\n\nKRAMER\nListen. Heads up, Elaine. I'm gonna\nhave to stop by later and pick up a\nfax.\n\nELAINE\nAt work?\n\nKRAMER\nNo. At your apartment.\n\nELAINE\nI don't have a fax machine.\n\nJERRY\nHere we go.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, now what are we gonna do? (to\nJerry) See? This is why you should get\na fax and a Xerox.\n\nJERRY\nAnd a dead bolt.\n\nKRAMER (to Elaine) Are ya sure you don't have one? Because there's\na lot of stuff in my apartment I've never seen.\n\nELAINE\nThen maybe you have a fax machine.\n\nKRAMER\nYou just blew my mind.\n\nEXT. KRUGER'S OFFICE BUILDING - DAY - ESTABLISHING\n\nKRUGER\nLet's order lunch.\n\nINT. MEETING ROOM - DAY\n\nEveryone is gathered around a large conference table.\n\nKRUGER\nMary, I will have a chef's salad.\n\nMALE WORKER\nTurkey sandwich.\n\nGEORGE\nT-bone steak.\n\nKRUGER\nFor lunch?\n\nGEORGE\nWell, I am just a T-bone kinda guy.\nLove that T-bone. In fact, you might\nas well call me--\n\nWATKINS\nThat sounds good. I'll have one, too.\n\nKRUGER\nWatkins, you're havin' a T-bone?\n\nWATKINS\nI love 'em.\n\nKRUGER\nWell, then we should call you T-bone.\n\nGEORGE\nUh, no. No, we shouldn't.\n\nKRUGER\nT-bone!\n\nALL\nT-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone!\nT-bone! T-bone! T-bone!\n\nINT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY\n\nThe phone rings. Elaine enters her apartment carrying bags of\ngroceries. She drops the bags and picks up the phone.\n\nELAINE\nHello?\n\nA fax squeal.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nShe checks her answering machine.\n\nMACHINE\nYou have 57 messages. Message one...\n\nFax squeal. She skips to the next message.\n\nMACHINE\nMessage two...\n\nFax squeal. She skips to the next message.\n\nMACHINE\nMessage three...\n\nGEORGE\nHey, it's George. Listen, I-\n\nShe skips to the next message.\n\nMACHINE\nMessage four...\n\nFax squeal.\n\nELAINE Kramer!\n\nThe phone rings. Elaine hesitates and lets it ring. She finally\ncaves and picks it up.\n\nEALINE\nHello?\n\nAnother fax squeal.\n\nELAINE\nAah!\n\nEXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLSIHING\n\nINT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY\n\nJERRY\nWell Cindy, the place looks great.\n\nShe grabs her money off the counter.\n\nCINDY\nThanks Jerry, gotta run.\n\nJERRY\nOk, I'll see ya.\n\nAs Cindy leaves, Jerry gives her a big kiss. Elaine shows up\nand watches, amused.\n\nCINDY\nHi, Elaine.\n\nJerry groans as Elaine enters and Cindy exits.\n\nELAINE\nAll right! You're foolin' around with\nyour maid. That is a wise decision.\n\nJERRY\nElaine, do you think I would go willy-nilly\ninto a situation so obviously fraught\nwith potential complications?\n\nELAINE\nYou are paying a woman to come to your\nhouse and sleep with you.\n\nJERRY\nNo. I pay her to clean. The rest is--\n\nELAINE\nWhat? A health plan?\n\nJERRY\nI was going to say, \"Being a good host.\"\n\nELAINE\nOh-ho-ho. Oh.\n\nJERRY\nBut the point is we have our personal\nrelationship, and we have our work relationship.\nThey're separate and, I think, some\nwhat sophisticated.\n\nELAINE\nSo you consider this a relationship?\n\nJERRY\nYes, I do.\n\nELAINE\nOh. Have you been out?\n\nJERRY\nYes, we have.\n\nELAINE\nWhere did you go?\n\nJERRY\nThe store.\n\nELAINE\nMm! To get what?\n\nJERRY\nStuff.\n\nELAINE\nCleaning supplies?\n\nJERRY\nAnd gum.\n\nELAINE\nOh. Well, there's nothin' more sophisticated\nthan diddlin' the maid and then chewin'\nsome gum.\n\nJERRY\nShe's not a maid. She might be a news\nwoman!\n\nKramer enters.\n\nKRAMER\nHey. Well, I just saw Madeline off.\nYeah. She's in a cab and--nguh nguh\nnguh--on her way. I miss her already.\n\nKramer sits down on the couch.\n\nELAINE\nHey, Kramer, what was it you were having\nfaxed to my house every 30 seconds?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, I signed up for a food delivery\nservice, Now We're Cookin'. That's a\nplay on words. You know, they're faxing\nme the menus from some restaurants.\n\nELAINE\nWhich ones?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, all of them. It's the deluxe package.\n\nELAINE\nSo this is never gonna stop?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, it better not. Paid for the whole\nyear. So, should I pick those up later?\n\nELAINE\nYou can pick 'em up right now.\n\nElaine imitates the fax squeal right into Kramer's ear.\n\nKRAMER\nAh!\n\nEXT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING\n\nINT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY\n\nShe fondles a candle stick as a phone man fixes her phone.\n\nELAINE\nI wonder if anyone knows he's here.\nIf he just disappeared...would anybody\nnotice?\n\nPHONE MAN\nAll right, miss Benes, all finished.\nHere's your new number.\n\nELAINE\nAhem. 646? What is this?\n\nPHONE MAN\nThat's your new area code.\n\nELAINE\nI thought 646 was just for new numbers.\n\nPHONE MAN\nThis is a new number.\n\nELAINE\nNo, no, no, no. It's not a new number.\nIt's--it's--it's just a changed number.\nSee? It's not different. It's the same,\njust...changed.\n\nPHONE MAN\nLook, I work for the phone company.\nI've had a lot of experience with semantics,\nso don't try to lure me into some maze\nof circular logic.\n\nELAINE\nYou know, I could've killed you, and\nno one would've known.\n\nPHONE MAN\nI could've killed you, and no one would've\nknown.\n\nEXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING\n\nJERRY\nKramer, you're still on the phone?\n\nINT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT\n\nKramer is sitting on the couch with a blanket. He's on the phone.\n\nKRAMER\nMadeline and I are watching Quincy together.\nJerry, you know this comes on at the\nsame time here as it does there?\n\nJERRY\nReally? It's Tuesday here. What day\nis it there?\n\nKRAMER\nJerry's teasing. Uh-oh! Commercial.\nOh, you going to the bathroom? Yeah.\nI'll go, too.\n\nKramer gets up and Jerry grabs the phone from him.\n\nJERRY\nMadeline stays here.\n\nGeorge enters.\n\nJERRY\nHey, T-bone!\n\nGEORGE\nNo. No T-bone.\n\nJERRY\nNo T-bone?\n\nKRAMER\nHey, is that T-bone?!\n\nJERRY\nNo! There's no T-bone!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, why no T-bone?!\n\nJERRY\nWhy no T-bone?\n\nGEORGE\n'Cause Neil Watkins from accounting\nis T-bone!\n\nKramer returns from the bathroom and picks up the phone.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah I'm back. Hey, you wanna play\ncards over the phone?\n\nKramer opens the door.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, hey, uh, listen, Jerry, uh, laundry's\npilin' up there. You might want to tell\nyour girlfriend. Mmm. Yeah.\n\nKramer leaves.\n\nGEORGE\nYour girlfriend is doin' your laundry?\n\nKRAMER\nHe's sleeping with his maid!\n\nGEORGE\nYou're sleepin' with the maid?\n\nJERRY\nYes.\n\nGEORGE\nI've done that. Did you ever eat an\nostrich burger?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nEXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY\n\nElaine and a man are talking.\n\nMAN\nYou're probably one of those women who\ndoesn't like to give out her number.\n\nELAINE\nNo, I'm not. Here you go.\n\nMAN\n646?\n\nELAINE\nIt's a new area code.\n\nMAN\nWhat area? New Jersey?\n\nELAINE\nNo, no. It's right here in the city.\nIt's the same as 212. They just multiplied\nit by 3, and then they added one to\nthe middle number. It's the same.\n\nMAN\nDo I have to dial a one first?\n\nElaine nods and the man crumples up her number.\n\nMAN\nI'm really kinda seein' somebody.\n\nELAINE\nYeah? Well, so am I!\n\nEXT. KRUGER'S OFFICE BUILDING - DAY - ESTABLISHING\n\nGEORGE\nExcuse me. Can I talk to you for a second\nthere, Watkins?\n\nINT. KRUGER'S OFFICE BUILDING - DAY\n\nGeorge and Watkins stand just outside the conference room talking.\n\nWATKINS\nIt's T-bone.\n\nGEORGE\nThe thing is...I'm supposed to be T-bone.\n\nWATKINS\nHeh heh. You're not a T-bone. You're\na perfect George.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat? Now, you listen to me!\n\nKruger and a few other people watch George through the window\nof the conference room door.\n\nKRUGER\nHey, look at George. He's givin' it\nto T-bone. He's jumpin' up and down\nlike some kind of monkey. Hey, what\nwas the name of that monkey that could\nread sign language?\n\nWATKINS\nAll right, you can have T-bone. Stop\ncrying.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm not crying. And I shouldn't have\nsaid that about your wife. Please accept\nmy apologies.\n\nWatkins and George enter the conference room.\n\nGEORGE\nOk, everybody, uh...I have an announcement\nto make. From now on, I will be known\nas-\n\nKRUGER\nKoko the monkey.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nALL\nKoko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko!\nKoko! Koko! Koko! Koko!\n\nINT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY\n\nElaine walks down the hallway. Two people exit an apartment.\n\nMAN\nThank you both for being here.\n\nEALINE\nUm, excuse me. I live in the building.\nDid something happen to Mrs. Krantz?\n\nMAN\nShe passed.\n\nELAINE\nOh, I'm so sorry.\n\nMAN\nThank you.\n\nELAINE\nA quick question-- did she by any chance\nhave a 212 phone number?\n\nEXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING\n\nCINDY\nI can't find my earring. Oh, here it\nis.\n\nINT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY\n\nCindy walks into Jerry's bedroom. Kramer enters.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, listen, can I borrow your suitcases?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. It's in your closet.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, no. I looked.\n\nJERRY\nThey're behind my skis and my tennis\nracket.\n\nKRAMER\nThanks, buddy.\n\nJERRY\nWhere you goin'?\n\nKRAMER\nHuh? Well, I'm gettin' out of town.\nI'm gonna visit Madeline for the weekend.\nYou know, this place is lookin' kinda\nmessy. What happened to Cindy?\n\nJERRY\nWell, she's here. She just didn't get\naround to it.\n\nKRAMER\nOh.\n\nCindy comes from Jerry's bedroom.\n\nCINDY\nHi, Kramer.\n\nShe picks up her money from the counter.\n\nCINDY\nThanks, Jerry. Bye.\n\nShe leaves.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, what's the matter?\n\nJERRY\nWhat did I just pay for?\n\nKRAMER\nUh-oh. You're a john.\n\nEXT. MONK'S RESTAURANT - DAY - ESTABLISHING\n\nJERRY\nKoko?\n\nINT. MONK'S RESTAURANT - DAY\n\nGeorge and Jerry are sitting at the counter.\n\nGEORGE\nKoko.\n\nJERRY\nWell, it's probably the most intelligent\nape there is.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. So, how's Cindy the maid?\n\nJERRY\nWell, everything's goin' great except,\nbasically, I'm payin' for sex.\n\nGEORGE\nTell me about it. I went out with this\ngirl last week. First I had to pay for\ndinner, then--\n\nJERRY\nNo, George. She's coming over and not\ncleaning. It's like I'm seein' a prostitute.\n\nGEORGE\nHow much you pay this maid?\n\nJERRY\n40.\n\nGEORGE\n40? I'm payin' 60 to my maid. She doesn't\ndo laundry and I'm gettin' nothin'.\nAll right. Once she pinched my ass,\nbut I don't know what that was.\n\nJERRY\nI don't know what this is.\n\nKramer enters and sits at the counter so George is between him\nand Jerry.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, hey, hey. Look at that.\n\nKramer shows of his I Love New York shirt.\n\nJERRY\nOoh.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, you wouldn't believe what it's\nlike down there. Taxicab drivers are\ninsane. You know, everybody is in a\nhurry.\n\nGEORGE\nI can't eat with you leanin' over like\nthis. Just look straight forward.\n\nKRAMER\nWell, now I can't see Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nI look about the same.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nI was talking to him.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nNever mind.\n\nKRAMER\nCome on. What'd he say?\n\nGEORGE\nNever mind.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, come on. What'd you say?\n\nKramer and Jerry try to talk to each other by leaning back and\nforth, but keep missing each other. Jerry leans forward to look\nat Kramer, but Kramer leans back. Kramer leans forward, Jerry\nleans back.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nKRAMER\nCome on. Where'd you go?\n\nJERRY\nGo back.\n\nKRAMER\nEh! Come on. What did you say?\n\nJERRY\nI said, never mind.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah. I know that. Uh, uh.\n\nJERRY\nI hate the counter.\n\nElaine enters and sits at the counter next to Jerry.\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nHey.\n\nELAINE\nI hate the counter.\n\nKRAMER\nWho's that?\n\nELAINE\nWell, I got a 212 number from this little\nold lady in my building-- Mrs. Krantz.\n\nJERRY\nOh, she didn't mind?\n\nELAINE\nNo. She died.\n\nJERRY\nHey, that's great.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat happened to Mrs. Krantz?\n\nJERRY\nElaine got a new number because she\ndied.\n\nKRAMER\nNewman died?\n\nELAINE\nWhat did he say?\n\nJERRY\nSome new kind of pie.\n\nGEORGE\nI'll try a piece.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, who's down there?\n\nJERRY\nHey, there's a booth.\n\nThey all get up to move.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nOh, hi.\n\nKRAMER\nDid you hear about Newman?\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nKramer whimpers.\n\nEXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING\n\nINT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY\n\nJerry is cleaning his kitchen and Cindy is reclined on the sofa.\nGeorge enters.\n\nGEORGE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nSo how's it goin' at work? They get\ntired of it?\n\nGEORGE\nOh, yeah.\n\nHe unfurls a jersey that reads, \"Koko 00.\"\n\nJERRY\nDouble zero?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's \"ooh\" As in \"ooh ooh ah ah.\"\n\nCINDY\nYour nickname's Koko? One of the girls\ndown at the maid service is named Coco.\n\nGEORGE\nReally? Coco?\n\nCINDY\nYeah. Coco. That girl's all right.\n\nCindy gets up and goes into Jerry's bedroom.\n\nGEORGE\nYou know, if I could get this Coco woman\ndown to Kruger, they wouldn't be able\nto call me Koko anymore because Kruger\nwould never allow 2 Kokos.\n\nJERRY\nSounds like he runs a real tight ship.\n\nGEORGE\nSay good-bye to Koko.\n\nGeorge leaves as Kramer enters.\n\nJERRY\nGood-bye, Koko.\n\nKRAMER\nBye, Koko. Whew! Jerry, this relationship\nis killing me. The distance, the longing,\nthe distance, the-- you know, I didn't\nrealize it, but I'm a needy person.\n\nJERRY\nKramer, maybe this relationship isn't\nfor you.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, yeah? So what am I supposed to do,\nbe more like you? All sealed up in here,\nemotionally unavailable, paying scrubwomen\nfor sexual favors! No! Jerry, I won't\nbe like you! Never! I'll never be like\nyou!\n\nKramer storms out of the apartment and Cindy returns.\n\nCINDY\nWhat was that?\n\nJERRY\nI didn't hear anything.\n\nCINDY\nAll right, I'm takin' off. Aren't you\nforgetting something?\n\nJERRY\nOh, right! Hey, it was great seeing\nyou again. I love your outfit.\n\nCINDY\nNo. My money.\n\nJERRY\nFor what?\n\nCINDY\nFor my maid services. You booked me\nfor today.\n\nJERRY\nBut you didn't really do any work.\n\nCINDY\nI made the bed.\n\nJERRY\nBut you took a nap in it.\n\nCINDY\nSo?\n\nJERRY\nI thought that was kind of girlfriend\nbed making.\n\nCINDY\nNo. That was the maid.\n\nJERRY\nWell, who took the nap?\n\nCINDY\nThe girlfriend.\n\nJERRY\n$40 seems kind of steep for a nap.\n\nCINDY\nSo, what are you saying? That I'm a\nbad maid or some kind of a prostitute?\n\nJERRY\nHo, ho...ho! Hold on. Let's keep this\nsophisticated.\n\nCINDY\nYou know, I don't think I want to be\nyour girlfriend or your maid.\n\nJERRY\nSo is this a breakup/quitting?\n\nCINDY\nYeah. Don't ever call me or hire me\nagain.\n\nCindy walks out of Jerry's apartment.\n\nJERRY\nOh, yeah? Well, then, we're through!\nAnd you're fired!\n\nEXT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING\n\nPHONE MAN\nSign here.\n\nELAINE\nYes! 212.\n\nINT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY\n\nElaine and the phone man.\n\nELAINE\nHey, what happened to the guy I had\nlast time?\n\nPHONE MAN\nOh, you know, it's an odd thing. He\nwent out on a job and never came back.\nNobody knows what happened.\n\nThe phone man leaves and the phone rings.\n\nELAINE\nAll right! I am back in the game.\n\nShe picks up the phone.\n\nELAINE\nHello?\n\nBOY\nGammy!\n\nELAINE\nNo. You got the wrong number, kid.\n\nBOY\nGammy Krantz, it's your grandson Bobby.\nWhy haven't you called?\n\nELAINE\nOh...nuts.\n\nBOY\nDo you hate me 'cause of my lazy eye?\n\nELAINE\nNo. It's just that I've been kind of\nburied over here.\n\nEXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING\n\nINT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT\n\nElaine and Jerry are playing Battleship.\n\nJERRY\nSo the kid doesn't know his grandmother\nis dead? G-5?\n\nELAINE\nHit. No. I guess his parents didn't\nwant to tell him. B-2?\n\nJERRY\nMiss.\n\nELAINE\nHe called 6 times yesterday. What a\nnightmare it must be to have a real\nfamily.\n\nJERRY\nI wouldn't worry about it. B-6?\n\nELAINE\nHit. Uhh...you sank my submarine.\n\nJERRY\nElaine...\n\nElaine makes an explosion sound. Jerry nods in approval. The\nphone rings and Jerry answers.\n\nINTERCUT\n\nJERRY'S APARTMENT/PHONE BOOTH\n\nJERRY\nHello?\n\nCOMPUTER VOICE\nYou have a collect call from--\n\nKRAMER\nHey, buddy, don't say no!\n\nJERRY\nI accept.\n\nKRAMER\nI went down to Madeline's. I told her,\n\"You gotta move, or it's over.\"\n\nJERRY\nWell, what happened?\n\nElaine gets up and leaves.\n\nKRAMER\nI think it's over. We had a big fight,\nshe threw me out, I started walkin',\nand now I'm lost downtown! I don't have\nany money. I don't recognize anybody.\nI miss home,\n\nand I don't even know how to get there.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's around you?\n\nKRAMER\nI'm lookin' at Ray's Pizza. You know\nwhere that is?\n\nJERRY\nIs it Famous Ray's?\n\nKRAMER\nNo. It's Original Ray's.\n\nJERRY\nFamous Original Ray's?\n\nKRAMER\nIt's just Original, Jerry!\n\nJERRY\nWell, what street are you on?\n\nKRAMER\nHey, I'm on first and first. How can\nthe same street intersect with itself?\nI must be at the nexus of the universe.\n\nJERRY\nJust wait there. I'll pick you up, and,\nKramer, stay alive no matter what occurs,\nI will find you!\n\nKRAMER\nAah!\n\nJerry leaves.\n\nEXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT\n\nJerry finds a man waiting by his car.\n\nMAN\nYou Steinfeld?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nMAN\nMy name is Maxwell. I'm from Maid To\nOrder. It's a pun. I sent one of my\ngirls over to your place.\n\nJERRY\nCindy.\n\nMAN\nShe says she had a little problem with\nyou. You didn't pay.\n\nJERRY\nYou know, she didn't really do what\nshe was supposed to do.\n\nMAN\nOh, yeah? She told me what you like.\nYou're a little sickie, aren't you?\nDisinfectant on the blinds, vacuuming\nthe counter--\n\nJERRY\nHey, come on. Come on. I gotta live\naround here.\n\nMAN\nYou know what I do to people who stiff\nme on a job?\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nMAN\nWell, it kinda depends on the situation,\nbut if I don't get my money from you,\nI'm gonna get it from her.\n\nJERRY\nI don't want to make trouble. You want\nthe money? Here.\n\nMAN\nHey! Wait, wait, wait! Whoa! Give it\nto the girl. I'm an independent contractor.\nTax purposes.\n\nINT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT\n\nElaine is sitting on her couch flipping through a magazine. She's\non the phone.\n\nELAINE\nBobby, you gotta stop calling your Gammy.\nWhy? Because sometimes you call very\nearly in the morning when Gammy has\nbeen out late the night before and sometimes\nwhen Gammy's not alone. Your parents\nstill haven't said anything to you about\nyour Gammy? (sighs) All right, here\nwe go. (coughing) Gammy doesn't feel\nso good. I think\n\nGammy might be dying. Yep. Yep. Ok. Good-bye, Bobby. Don't call\nanymore. I'm dead now. Gotta go.\n\nBobby dials 911.\n\nBOBBY\n9-1-1.\n\nEXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT\n\nJerry is driving down the street when he sees Cindy walking on\nthe sidewalk.\n\nJERRY\nNexus of the universe. Hey, Cindy. Cindy.\n\nCINDY\nWhat do you want?\n\nJERRY\nHere. I got your money.\n\nCINDY\nI don't want any money from you.\n\nJERRY\nCome on. Take it. It's money. Let me\ngive it to ya.\n\nA police cruiser pulls up with lights on.\n\nPOLICE\nLooking for a good time, sir? You wanna\nstep out of the car, sickie?\n\nJERRY\nWell, this is all very sophisticated.\n\nINT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT\n\nElaine is sitting on the sofa reading when there is a pounding\non the door. The door bursts open and some fire fighters run\nin.\n\nFIREMAN\nAll right, hang on, Gammy! You're gonna\nmake it!\n\nELAINE\nAah!\n\nEXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT\n\nKramer is waiting near a phone booth with a suitcase. A car pulls\nup. It's Maxwell.\n\nMAXWELL\nHey, you look a little lost. You from\naround here?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, no.\n\nMAXWELL\nYou know where you're going?\n\nKRAMER\nNot really. My friend was supposed to\npick me up, but I don't know where he\nis.\n\nMAXWELL\nDoesn't sound like much of a friend.\nYou got any money?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, no.\n\nMAXWELL\nYou wanna make some?\n\nKRAMER\nOk.\n\nMAXWELL\nDo you know how to use a mop wringer?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, yeah.\n\nMAXWELL\nWhy don't you get in the car?\n\nKramer hops in.\n\nKRAMER\nHi. Ahh...these are soft seats.\n\nThe two drive off.\n\nEXT. KRUGER'S OFFICE BUILDING - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING\n\nKRUGER\nHey, Koko, Who's this?\n\nINT. MEETING ROOM - NIGHT\n\nEveryone is gathered again around the conference table. George\nis standing introducing the newest employee.\n\nGEORGE\nThis is our new Vice-president of Acquisitions,\nsir.\n\nKRUGER\nSo you're just hiring new people now?\nThat's your job, to hire people?\n\nGEORGE\nYes?\n\nKRUGER\nOk, good enough for me, Koko.\n\nGeorge sits down.\n\nKRUGER\nAhem. Now, what's your name?\n\nCOCO\nMy name is Coco. Coco Higgins.\n\nGEORGE\nCoco?\n\nKRUGER\nWe can't have 2 Cocos. So I guess you're\nback to being George.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, it was a hell of a ride.\n\nKRUGER\nAll right, the Grace building. There's\na big stain on the front. How do we\nget it off?\n\nCOCO\nWhen I was a little girl in Jamaica,\nmy Gammy taught me to take a wet rag\nand in a circ--\n\nGEORGE\nAh, excuse me, Vice-president Coco,\nno one cares about your Gammy.\n\nCOCO\nWhat did you say about my Gammy?\n\nGEORGE\nForget Gammy.\n\nKRUGER\nWho's Gammy?\n\nGEORGE\nThere's no Gammy.\n\nKRUGER\nMaybe there should be a Gammy.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, no.\n\nKRUGER\nGeorge.\n\nALL\nGammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy!\nGammy!\n\nGEORGE\nGammy's gettin' upset!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Puerto-Rican-Day.html",
    "text": "THE PUERTO RICAN DAY\n\nWritten by\n\nAlec Berg, Jeff Schaffer, Jennifer Crittenden,\n\nSpike Feresten, Bruce Eric Kaplan, Steve Koren,\n\nDavid Mandel, Dan O'Keefe, Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin\n\nINT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY\n\nThe gang drives along in Jerry's car with the top down. Elaine\nand Kramer sit in the back, George is shotgun, and Jerry behind\nthe wheel.\n\nGEORGE\nMan, I'm starving.\n\nELAINE\nHow can you be hungry after what you\nate at that Mets game?\n\nGEORGE\nBecause ballpark food doesn't count\nas real food.\n\nJERRY\nRight. It's just an activity. It's like\nthat paddle with the ball and the rubber\nband.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, my friend Bob Saccamano made\na fortune off of those. See he came\nup with the idea for the rubber band.\nBefore that, people would just hit the\nball, and it would fly away.\n\nJERRY\nI can't believe you all made me leave\nbefore the end of the game.\n\nELAINE\nOh, come on, Jerry. It was 9 to nothing.\nWe were getting shellacked.\n\nGEORGE\nThose nachos are killing me.\n\nELAINE\nI thought you were hungry.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's complicated.\n\nKRAMER\nCome on, Jerry, you're going to miss\nthe exit.\n\nJERRY\nKeep your shirt on. I got it.\n\nELAINE\nWatch out for that maroon Golf.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, boy.\n\nJERRY\nLook at this guy. He's trying to box\nme out.\n\nKRAMER\nI'll tell you when you can go. Wait,\nwait, wait, Wait-- now, now, now. No,\nno, no. Go, go! No, no. Wait-- now,\nnow! Now! Jerry! Go--ahh...\n\nJerry swerves into another lane. Lamar, the driver of the maroon\nGolf honks the horn.\n\nJERRY\nOh, calm down, maroon Golf. He thinks\nI cut him off. He accelerated.\n\nKRAMER\nYou want me to moon him? Ooh, let's\nmoon him. Roll up your window. Let's\ndo a pressed ham under glass.\n\nELAINE\nOh, no, I couldn't do that.\n\nKRAMER\nLook at this, look at this. He's giving\nus the finger.\n\nELAINE\nOh, all right.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah.\n\nElaine and Kramer get up to moon Lamar.\n\nINT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY\n\nGEORGE\nSo I saw that new movie about the Hindenburg.\n\nELAINE\nOh, yeah. What's that called?\n\nGEORGE\nBlimp: The Hindenburg Story.\n\nJERRY\nHow was it?\n\nGEORGE\nI found it morose. Why dwell on these\nnegative themes?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. They should make a movie about\nall the Hindenburg flights that made\nit.\n\nGEORGE\nAnyway, right in the middle, the ship\nblows up-- burning debris, bodies falling--\nand then just as this eerie silence\nsettles over the airfield, I yelled\nout, \"That's gotta hurt!\"\n\nJERRY\nHeh.\n\nGEORGE\nThe place went nuts.\n\nJERRY\nImagine the laugh you could have gotten\nif you'd yelled that out at the actual\ndisaster.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nKRAMER\nWhy are we slowing down?\n\nMusic plays in the background.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is that music?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat's with all these flags?\n\nJERRY\nOh, no.\n\nELAINE AND JERRY\nIt's the Puerto Rican Day parade!\n\nELAINE\nOhh! Oh, the city shuts down Fifth avenue.\nThey never let anyone through.\n\nWe're never getting home.\n\nKramer stands up on the back seat.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right. I'm gonna check it out. Aiee.\nmucho trafico.\n\nSTOCK FOOTAGE\nPuerto Rican Day parade.\n\nEXT. CITY STREET - DAY\n\nKramer runs along the sidewalk and hops into the back seat of\na black Saab.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah...uhh...well, the streets are all\nblocked. I think every Puerto Rican\nin the world is out here.\n\nThere is a Puerto Rican family in the car.\n\nPUERTO RICAN MAN\nWell, it is our day.\n\nKRAMER\nWhoo. Wrong car. Sorry.\n\nKramer hops out.\n\nINT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY\n\nStill sitting stopped in traffic are Elaine, Jerry, and George.\nThey are listening to the radio.\n\nRADIO\nAnd the Mets score two in the eighth\ninning.\n\nJERRY\nSee? If we had stayed, we could have\nseen those runs.\n\nGEORGE\nI could have had some ice cream. I think\nthat might have calmed down the nachos.\n\nELAINE\nI'm going to miss 60 Minutes. You know,\nI hate to miss 60 Minutes. It's part\nof my Sunday weekend wind-down.\n\nJERRY\nI don't know how you can unwind with\nthat clock ticking. It makes me anxious.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, gentlemen, I scouted it out.\nI think we can get out over there.\n\nJERRY\nBut that's a one-way street coming this\nway. Besides, how am I gonna get all\nthe way over there?\n\nGEORGE\nJust inch over. You worm your way.\n\nELAINE\nJust do it, Jerry. Uhh. This exhaust.\nI'm gonna throw up.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, you should make yourself throw\nup.\n\nELAINE\nHuh?\n\nKRAMER\nYou know you're going to.\n\nJERRY\nAll right, I'm worming.\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Jerry. You know who the grand marshal\nis of this thing? None other than Miss\nChita Rivera.\n\nJERRY\nThey're not letting me in.\n\nGEORGE\nMy hand is out.\n\nJERRY\nWell, I think we're gonna need more\nthan a hand. They have to see a human\nface.\n\nELAINE\nYou sure you want his face?\n\nKRAMER\nNo, no, no. It was Mar\u00eda Conchita Alonso.\n\nGEORGE\nThis guy's giving me the stare-ahead.\n\nJERRY\nThe stare-ahead. I hate that. I use\nit all the time.\n\nGEORGE\nLook at me! I am man! I am you!\n\nThe man in the other car looks over at George. Elaine, sitting\nbehind George, aids in the cause by pleading to the man by mouthing\nthe words, \"Hi, can we go in?\"\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, he's letting you in. Thank\nyou! Creep.\n\nKRAMER\nOh! I know who it is. Stacy Keach.\n\nJERRY\nOne more lane to go.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right! We're here!\n\nJust as Jerry is about to enter the one-way street, Lamar and\nhis maroon Golf cut him off.\n\nLAMAR\nOh, look who's here. My old buddy, black\nSaab.\n\nJERRY\nMaroon Golf.\n\nLAMAR\nWhere you goin', black Saab? You seem\nto be a tad askew.\n\nJERRY\nCould you move your car back a little?\n\nLAMAR\nOh. Sorry. I seem to have cut you off.\n\nELAINE\nAll right, I think I know where this\nis going, and I am going somewhere else.\n\nElaine pushes George's seat forward slamming his head onto the\ndashboard. She gets out.\n\nJERRY\nYou can't do that. You can't just leave\nthe group.\n\nELAINE\nI've been trying to leave this group\nfor 10 years. Vaya con dios.\n\nKRAMER\n\u00bfCon dios? Well, that's rude.\n\nJERRY\nCan you believe her?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. I'll see you later.\n\nJERRY\nWhere are you going?\n\nGEORGE\nThe movies. Blimp is playing right there.\n\nJERRY\nYou're going to that again? Why? Just\nto do that stupid line?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's a performance, Jerry. Like what\nyou do.\n\nJERRY\nThat's not what I do.\n\nGEORGE\nIsn't it?\n\nJERRY\nMaybe a little. Ah, hell, I guess it\nis.\n\nGeorge leaves.\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, actually, Jerry, you haven't\nworked a room that big in a while.\n\nSTOCK FOOTAGE\nTaxis stuck in traffic.\n\nINT. TAXI CAB - DAY\n\nElaine sits in the back.\n\nELAINE\nLook at that guy's dog. I hate it when\ntheir ears get flipped inside out like\nthat. Why doesn't he fix it?\n\nShe moves so she can yell out the driver's open window.\n\nELAINE\nHey! Fold your dog's ear back!\n\nShe leans back.\n\nELAINE\nOoh! This isn't moving! I could walk\nfaster than this.\n\nCAB DRIVER\nNo, you can't.\n\nELAINE\nYes, I can. Here. I'm outta here.\n\nShe pays her fare and gets out.\n\nEXT. CITY SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS\n\nShe starts to walk. The cab starts to move.\n\nELAINE\nOh, now it's moving. Oh, yeah. I knew\nit. Hey! Hey!\n\nThe cab stops and she gets back in.\n\nINT. TAXI CAB - CONTINUOUS\n\nCAB DRIVER\nWhere to?\n\nELAINE\nThat's cute. That's really cute. Oh!\nCome on! All right. Bye again.\n\nShe pays and gets out again.\n\nEXT. CITY SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS\n\nAgain, the cab starts moving when she gets out.\n\nELAINE\nHey. Taxi! Taxi!\n\nShe starts to run after the taxi which starts to move faster.\n\nINT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY\n\nGeorge sits down next to two attractive women.\n\nGEORGE\nLadies. I, uh, I haven't seen this before.\n\nLADY 1\nWhat is that dot?\n\nLADY 2\nOh, I think someone has one of those\nfunny laser pointers.\n\nA red laser moves around the movie screen. Everyone laughs as\nthe dot rests on the breasts of the movie actress.\n\nINT. MOVIE LOBBY - DAY\n\nThe laser pointer guy uses his laser to point at a box of Skittles\nand RC Cola.\n\nLASER GUY\nGimme a box of those and one of those.\n\nGEORGE\nExcuse me, are you the guy with that\nfunny laser?\n\nLASER GUY\nThe laser's not funny. I'm funny.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah. The thing is, I, uh...I had this\nlittle zinger of my own I wanted to\ntry.\n\nLASER GUY\nUh-huh.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's right in the explosion scene. So\nif you could just...leave me a little\nwindow. You know, my, uh, my aunt had\na thing removed with a laser. All right,\nI don't want to interrupt your meal,\nso...\n\nINT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY\n\nKramer and Jerry sit listening to the radio.\n\nRADIO What a comeback for the New York Mets-- 6 runs in the bottom\nof the ninth.\n\nJERRY\nI've gotta see this game. If it wasn't\nfor this guy, we could get out of here.\n\nLAMAR\nThis traffic's a killer, ain't it?\n\nKRAMER\nYou want to get outta here? Here's what\nwe do. We leave the car here, we take\nthe plates off, we scratch the serial\nnumber off the engine block, and we\nwalk away.\n\nJERRY\nWalk away?\n\nKRAMER\nYou've got insurance. You tell them\nthat the car was stolen, and then you\nget another one free.\n\nJERRY\nIsn't there a deductible?\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, what is your deductible?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know.\n\nKRAMER\nYes, because they've already deducted\nit.\n\nJERRY\nFrom what?\n\nKRAMER\nThe car, which we're leaving. So the\nnet is zero. See you pocket the money,\nif there is any, and you get a new car.\n\nJERRY\nWe're not leaving the car!\n\nKRAMER\nAll right. If you refuse to grow up\nand scam your insurance company, you'll\nhave to work this out with maroon Golf.\n\nJERRY\nAbsolutely not. He sped up.\n\nRADIO\nSwung on, line hard toward left center\nfield. That's in the gap, that's a base\nhit.\n\nJERRY\nI'm ready to talk.\n\nINT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY\n\nGeorge and the ladies are sitting in their seats.\n\nLADY 1\nHey! There's that laser guy again.\n\nLADY 2\nHe's funny. I never meet anyone funny.\n\nLADY 1\nI know. A sense of humor is so much\nmore important to me than looks or hair.\n\nLADY 2\nMmm, yeah.\n\nThere's an explosion on the screen. The laser moves around the\nscreen and everyone laughs.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's gotta hurt!\n\nEveryone stops laughing.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's...gotta hurt! Hurt! Because...Aaarrrrrgh!\n\nGeorge stands up.\n\nGEORGE\nDamn you, laser guy! You had to grab\nit all with your lowbrow laser shtick!\nYou're just a prop comic! Where's the\ncraft?!\n\nThe laser guy points the laser at George's head.\n\nLADY 1\nLook! It's on the bald guy.\n\nLADY 2\nI am so glad we came to this showing.\n\nEXT. CITY STREET - DAY\n\nKramer is talking to Lamar while Jerry waits in his car. Kramer\nwalks to Jerry.\n\nKRAMER\nOk, here's the deal. He wants you to\nacknowledge that you cut him off with\nan \"I am sorry\" wave.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's that?\n\nKRAMER\nYou raise the hand, lower the head--\n\"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The buttons are\nreally big on the car. I don't understand\nit. I haven't read the manual. Ooh!\"\nYou get my drift.\n\nJERRY\nOk!\n\nJerry puts both hands up over his head and does the \"I'm Sorry\"\nwave.\n\nLAMAR\nHallelujah. Praise the lord. But I'll\ntake it.\n\nKRAMER\nYes! All right, Lamar, back it up a\nlittle bit so we can get out now.\n\nKramer gets in the car. George shows up and climbs into the back\nseat.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right. At last, we're finally gettin'\nout of here.\n\nJERRY\nWhat's that on your forehead?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's probably chocolate.\n\nJERRY\nHey, is that one of those laser pointers?\n\nKRAMER\nHey, Jerry, crank up the Floyd. It's\na George laserium!\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, stop it! Stay away from my\nbreasts! Chest!\n\nJERRY\nSee ya around maroon Golf. And, by the\nway, that was an \"I'm not sorry\" wave.\n\nLAMAR\nWhat was that?\n\nJERRY\nI'm glad I cut you off, because black\nSaab rules! So long, jackass!\n\nAs Jerry pulls into the one way street, a taxi comes down the\nstreet and blocks him in. In the taxi is Elaine.\n\nJERRY\nElaine?!\n\nELAINE\nJerry?!\n\nLAMAR\nJackass? So I'm a jackass now?\n\nEXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING\n\nINT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY\n\nThe apartment is empty.\n\nEXT. CITY STREET - DAY\n\nJerry stands in front of the one way street yelling at the cars.\n\nJERRY\nSo if everyone would just put their\ncars in reverse at the same time, we\ncan do this. All right, on the count\nof three. Can everyone hear me? Hey,\namigo, are you paying attention?\n\nPUERTO RICAN MAN\nBuenos dias, my friend.\n\nJERRY\nNot you! The guy in the Amigo.\n\nINT. TAXI CAB - DAY\n\nElaine sits frustrated in the cab.\n\nELAINE\nUh, well, uh, here--here is good.\n\nTAXI DRIVER\nOh, yeah, sure, and now I'm gonna be\nstuck here. But you knew the way to\ngo! You went to college!\n\nELAINE\nHey, I went to Tufts! That was my safety\nschool! So don't talk to me about hardship.\n\nShe pays the driver and gets out.\n\nEXT. CITY STREET - DAY\n\nElaine walks up to Jerry.\n\nELAINE\nBoy, eh, can you believe this mess?\n\nJERRY\nElaine, why did you have the cab come\ndown the street?! We were almost out!\n\nLAMAR\nSo that was your girlfriend that blocked\nyou in. That's real good.\n\nELAINE\nI'm not his girlfriend. Well, actually,\nwe used to date, but not anymore.\n\nJERRY\nElaine, he doesn't need-\n\nLAMAR\nUsed to date? So I guess you found out\nhe's a jackass.\n\nJERRY\n'Cause that's what's gonna happen.\n\nKramer and George walk along eating churros.\n\nKRAMER\nWow. He's givin' you a mustache. Where\nis this guy?\n\nGEORGE\nDon't look around. Don't look around.\nThat's what he wants.\n\nELAINE\nAll right. Well, I'll see ya. Hey, George,\nI think there's a sniper lookin' to\npop ya.\n\nElaine leaves.\n\nGEORGE\nThis thing can't hurt me, can it? I\nmean, it is a laser. What if it hits\nmy eye?\n\nJERRY\nI don't know.\n\nGEORGE\nI can't be blind, Jerry The blind are\ncourageous.\n\nKRAMER\nYou'll be fine as long as it doesn't\nhit you right in the pupil, 'Cause then\nthe whole ball will go up like the Death\nStar. Tchoo! I gotta go find a bathroom.\n\nKramer leaves.\n\nJERRY\nHold it, George. Don't move. It's right\nbetween your eyes.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, my god.\n\nJERRY\nHey, there's the soda guy.\n\nLAMAR\nHey, jackass! Get me a diet Dr. Pepper!\n\nJERRY\nAll right!\n\nGeorge stands petrified.\n\nEXT. BARRICADE - DAY\n\nA police barricade set up on the parade route prevents a crowd\nof people from crossing. Elaine pushes her way through the crowd.\n\nOLDER MAN\nHey, hey, hey!\n\nOLDER WOMAN\nWha--ow!\n\nELAINE\nOh, this is nuts! I can't get across\nanywhere!\n\nOLDER MAN\nWell, none of us can! We're trapped!\n\nOLDER WOMAN\nOw!\n\nELAINE\nHey! Hey, everyone. This way. I think\nwe can get out through here.\n\nElaine picks up a nylon flap that covers the sides of some bleachers.\n\nOLDER MAN\nOh, I don't know if that's such a good\nidea.\n\nELAINE\nLook! No one knows how long this parade\nis gonna last! They are a very festive\npeople. All I know is that it's Sunday\nnight, and I have got to unwind! Now\nwho's with me?!\n\nOLDER WOMAN\nFather?\n\nPRIEST\nNone of us saw the nylon flap. That\nmight mean something.\n\nPREGNANT WOMAN\nOh, all right, all right!\n\nPeople start going under the bleachers.\n\nELAINE\nAll right! Come on. Come on. Let's go.\nLet's go.\n\nBUSINESS MAN\nBut it's dark!\n\nELAINE\nGet in there!\n\nEXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY\n\nKramer looks for a bathroom. He sees a sign that reads, \"Rest\nrooms are for patrons only.\" There's another sign that reads\napartment for sale.\n\nINT. APARTMENT - DAY\n\nThere's a knock at the door and the sales woman answers it. It's\nKramer.\n\nKRAMER\nYes, uh, I'm interested in the apartment.\n\nSALES WOMAN\nYes! Come in, come in.\n\nKRAMER\nOk.\n\nSALES WOMAN\nI'm Christine Nyhart.\n\nKRAMER\nOh. Delicious to meet you.\n\nSALES WOMAN\nDid the broker send you over?\n\nKRAMER\nUh, yes, most likely, yes. I'm, uh,\nH.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy industrialist\nand philanthropist and, uh, a bicyclist.\nAnd, um, yes, I'm looking for a place\nwhere I can settle down with my, uh,\npeculiar habits, and, uh, the women\nthat I frequent with. (sniffing wall)\nMmm. Mombassa, hmm?\n\nSALES WOMAN\nThe asking price is $1.5 million.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, I spend that much on after shave.\nYes, I buy and sell men like myself\nevery day. Now, I assume that there's\na waterfall grotto?\n\nSALES WOMAN\nNo.\n\nKRAMER\nHow about a bathroom?\n\nSALES WOMAN\nIt has 4.\n\nKRAMER\nYes, and where would the absolute nearest\none be?\n\nSALES WOMAN\nJust down the hall.\n\nKRAMER\nOh, thank you.\n\nHe saunters to the bathroom.\n\nINT. BLEACHERS - DAY\n\nElaine leads everyone under the bleachers. Food falls from the\nbleachers landing on them.\n\nELAINE\nOh, don't worry. We'll get you home\nto your husband real soon.\n\nPREGNANT WOMAN\nI'm not married.\n\nELAINE\nWell, I, for one, really respect that.\n\nPREGNANT WOMAN\nOh, thank you.\n\nELAINE\nHey! Guess who's not married.\n\nOLDER MAN\nIs the boyfriend still in the picture?\n\nELAINE\nCome on, father, you can make it.\n\nPRIEST\nNo, I can't. I've got a bad hip. Go\non without me.\n\nELAINE\nNo! I won't!\n\nPRIEST\nLeave me! you must.\n\nELAINE\nAll right. Take it easy.\n\nELAINE\nAll right, we can move faster without\nfather o'gimpy.\n\nPRIEST\nI heard that!\n\nEXT. CITY STREET - DAY\n\nJerry stands next to his car with a drink.\n\nLAMAR\nYou know, I don't think I've ever seen\na man driving a Saab convertible. Still\nhaven't.\n\nJERRY\nHo ho!\n\nGeorge returns wearing mirrored sunglasses.\n\nJERRY\nWhat seems to be the problem, officer?\n\nGEORGE\nThey're for protection, Jerry. Can you\ntell where I'm lookin'?\n\nJERRY\nAt me?\n\nGEORGE\nNo.\n\nJERRY\nOh. It's back.\n\nGEORGE\nBring it on, baby\n\nJERRY\nWhat if it gets in the side?\n\nGEORGE\nThe side?\n\nJERRY\nYeah. Wouldn't it just bounce back and\nforth between your cornea and the mirror,\nfaster and faster, getting more and\nmore intense, until finally-\n\nGeorge rips off his glasses.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right!\n\nJERRY\nOh. It's in your eye now.\n\nGeorge runs off screaming. Kramer runs up to Jerry with a Puerto\nRican flag draped around him.\n\nKRAMER\nHola, Jerry! I'm into this Puerto Rican\nday! The sights! The sounds! The hot,\nspicy flavor of it all! It's caliente,\nJerry!\n\nJERRY\nKramer, the Mets have got men on base!\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, I know! I was watchin' the game.\n\nJERRY\nYou were watchin'? Where?\n\nINT. APARTMENT - DAY\n\nJerry sits in the apartment watching TV.\n\nJERRY\nOh, that was a strike! Did you see that?!\n\nSALES WOMAN\nWould you like to see the rest of the\napartment, Mister, um--\n\nJERRY\nEh...Varnsen. Kel Varnsen. Actually,\nthis room intrigues me. Why is it called\nthe TV room?\n\nSALES WOMAN\nWell, it's--\n\nJERRY\nBalk?! How was that a balk?! You have\nany snacks?\n\nSALES WOMAN\nMr. Varnsen, if you like the apartment,\nI should tell you I've also had some\ninterest from a wealthy industrialist.\n\nJERRY\nNot Pennypacker!\n\nSALES WOMAN\nYou know him?\n\nJERRY\nI wish I didn't. Brace yourself, madam,\nfor an all-out bidding war. But this\ntime, advantage Varnsen!\n\nINT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY\n\nGeorge and Kramer sit in the car. George looks in the rear view\nmirror.\n\nGEORGE\nWait a second. I think I see where that\nlaser guy is. No! Don't look! Don't\nlook. Oh, yeah, that's him. Ok. I'm\ngonna sneak up on him. Now the hunted\nbecomes the hunter.\n\nGeorge exits the car.\n\nINT. BLEACHERS - DAY\n\nElaine and the group reach the end of the bleachers.\n\nELAINE\nWe should be able to get across right\nthrough here!\n\nShe lifts the nylon flap to find a brick wall.\n\nOLDER WOMAN\nIt's a dead end!\n\nELAINE\nOh, no! I thought--\n\nBUSINESS MAN\nYou thought?! We're gonna die in the\ndark! I knew it! I knew it! We're gonna\ndie!\n\nELAINE\nGet a hold of yourself!\n\nElaine slaps the man. He shoves her, she shoves back. They grab\neach other and kiss.\n\nPREGNANT WOMAN\nOh, come on!\n\nOLDER WOMAN Oooh!\n\nELAINE\nSorry. Somebody...help us!\n\nEXT. BLEACHERS - DAY\n\nLots of people sit on the bleachers. A cop stands guard.\n\nMAN\n!Mira!!Mira! Stacy Keach!\n\nELAINE\nWe're down here! Help!\n\nMAN\nThere's people down there! Hold on!\n\nThey lift the floorboards to reveal Elaine and her group.\n\nELAINE\nLet us out. There's an unmarried pregnant\nwoman down here.\n\nPREGNANT WOMAN\nDon't judge me!\n\nELAINE\nHelp us up so we can cross the street?\n\nPOLICE OFFICER\nNah, nah, You can't cross here. There's\na parade.\n\nELAINE\nBut we've come so far. We just want\nto unwind.\n\nPOLICE OFFICER\nHey, what can I tell ya?\n\nThey close the floor boards.\n\nINT. BLEACHERS - DAY\n\nBUSINESS MAN\nWanna make out some more?\n\nELAINE\nOh, god! Let us out!\n\nEXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY\n\nGeorge hides behind a van and sees a man with a pen. He sneaks\nup and grabs the pen and destroys it. He ends up with ink all\nover his hands.\n\nGEORGE\nThat wasn't a laser pen.\n\nDELIVERY MAN\nNo. It's just a pen.\n\nThe delivery man laughs.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, that's funny\n\nDELIVERY MAN\nNo. You have, like, a dot on your face.\nWhoever's doing that is very clever.\n\nEXT. CITY STREET - DAY\n\nKramer lights a cigar with a sparkler.\n\nKRAMER\nCome on, man. You need to lighten up.\nYou know, a feeling like this only happens\nonce a year.\n\nHe tosses the sparkler into the back seat of Jerry's car where\nit lands on the Puerto Rican flag.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, it's like this every day in Puerto\nRico.\n\nLamar starts to laugh as he sees the smoke rise.\n\nKRAMER\nSee, now you're getting the spirit of\nit, huh?\n\nKramer smells the smoke, turns, and sees the fire.\n\nKRAMER\nOoh!!Dios mio!\n\nHe grabs the flag, throws it onto the sidewalk and stops on it.\n\nMAN\nHey! There's a guy burning the Puerto\nRican flag!\n\nBOB\nWho! Who is burning the flag?!\n\nKRAMER\nOh, no.\n\nBOB\nHim?!\n\nCEDRIC\nThat's not very nice.\n\nKRAMER\nIt was an accident.\n\nBOB\nDo you know what day this is? Because\nI know what day this is, they know what\nday this is, so I was wondering if you\nknow what day this is!\n\nCEDRIC\nBecause it's Puerto Rican day.\n\nBOB\nMaybe we should stomp you like you stomp\nthe flag! What do you think of that?\n\nKRAMER\nNow look, I just have one thing to say\nto you boys. Mama!\n\nKramer runs off screaming. The others give chase.\n\nINT. APARTMENT - DAY\n\nThe sales woman lets George in.\n\nSALES WOMAN\nRight this way, Mr. Vandelay.\n\nGEORGE\nWell, this is a lovely apartment. Lovely!\nMy kids are gonna go crazy. I, uh, I\nwonder if I could see the bathrooms.\nPreferably one with some paint thinner\nand, uh, some rags?\n\nSALES WOMAN\nIt's down the hall.\n\nGeorge walks to the bathroom, but stops when he sees Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nOh, hello...\n\nGEORGE\nArt.\n\nJERRY\nMr. Vandelay, of course.\n\nSALES WOMAN\nYou two know each other?\n\nKramer bursts through the door.\n\nSALES WOMAN\nMr. Pennypacker!\n\nKRAMER\nUh, yes, uh, I--I wanted to, uh, stop\nby and make sure that my shark tank\nfits-- uh, hello.\n\nSALES WOMAN\nMr. Pennypacker, this is Mr. Vandelay,\nAnd you know Mr. Varnsen\n\nKRAMER\nUh, Varnsen.\n\nJERRY\nPennypacker.\n\nKRAMER\nVandelay.\n\nGEORGE\nPennypacker. Varnsen.\n\nJERRY\nVandelay. Wait a second. Mr. Pennypacker,\nif you're here, and Mr. Vandelay is\nalso here, then who's watching the factory?\n\nKRAMER\nThe factory?\n\nJERRY\nThe Saab factory?\n\nKRAMER\nJerry, that's in Sweden.\n\nGeorge turns on the TV as Jerry runs to the window just in time\nto see a mob attacking his car.\n\nJERRY\nMy car!\n\nKRAMER\nWell, you know, it's like this every\nday in Puerto Rico.\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, the Mets lost.\n\nJERRY\nI love a parade!\n\nEXT. CITY SIDEWALK - NIGHT\n\nJerry's car is stuck in a stairwell outside a building. Kramer,\nGeorge, and Jerry admire the mob's handiwork.\n\nGEORGE\nHow do you suppose they did that?\n\nKRAMER\nWell...there's no logical explanation.\nAll right. Well, shall we go home?\n\nJERRY\nWell, what about my car?\n\nKRAMER\nWell, Jerry, you can't deduct it now.\n\nElaine approaches the group. She is totally disheveled with popcorn\nin her hair and her clothing stained.\n\nJERRY\nHey, there's Elaine.\n\nELAINE\nHey.\n\nJERRY\nWell, you look, uh...relaxed.\n\nELAINE\nWell, it is Sunday night, and you know\nhow I like to unwind.\n\nLamar drives up in his maroon Golf.\n\nLAMAR\nHey, black Saab. Looks like that building\ncut you off! Ha ha ha! See ya around!\n\nHe drives off.\n\nJERRY\nWell, at least he didn't-\n\nLAMAR\nJackass!\n\nJerry sets his car alarm.\n\nJERRY\nSomebody remember where we parked.\n\nKRAMER\nThis was a fun day. It's nice to get\nout.\n\nThe foursome walk off as a laser lights up George's rear end.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Finale-Part-1.html",
    "text": "THE FINALE PART 1\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David\n\n(Monologue, on stage)\n\nJERRY\nIt seems like whenever these office\npeople call you in for a meeting, the\nwhole thing is about the sitting down.\nI would really like to sit down with\nyou. I think we need to sit down and\ntalk. Why don't you come in, and we'll\nsit down. Well, sometimes the sitting\ndown doesn't work. People get mad at\nthe sitting.You know, we've been sitting\nhere for I don't know how long. How\nmuch longer are we just going to sit\nhere? I'll tell you what I think we\nshould do. I think we should all sleep\non it. Maybe we're not getting down\nlow enough. Maybe if we all lie down,\nthen our brains will work.\n\n(Jerry and George at Monks)\n\nGEORGE\nI can't eat this without catsup. Would\nit kill her to check up on us? Would\nthat be a terrible thing? \"How's everything?\nDo you need anything? What can I do\nfor you?\"\n\nJERRY\nI know what you mean.\n\nGEORGE\nDo ya?\n\nJERRY\nIt's like going out with someone and\nyou never hear from them again.\n\nGEORGE\nSame thing!\n\nJERRY\nNot really, but it's something. Ask\nthe people behind you.\n\nGEORGE\nExcuse me. Are you using your catsup?\n\nWOMAN\nWhat do you think? You want to give\nhim the catsup?\n\nMAN\nIt's up to you.\n\nWOMAN\nYou know what? I don't think so. I'm\ngoing to need it from time to time.\n\nJERRY\nSo what are you doing later? You want\nto go to the movies?\n\nGEORGE\nNah - what for?\n\nJERRY\nTo see a movie.\n\nGEORGE\nI've been to the movies.\n\nJERRY\nNot this movie.\n\nGEORGE\nThey're all the same. You go, you sit,\nyou eat popcorn, you watch. I'm sick\nof it.\n\nJERRY\nDid you shower today?\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nThat's usually the kind of mood I'm\nin when I haven't showered.\n\nGEORGE\nWhen is it going to be my turn, Jerry?\nWhen do I get my 15 minutes? I want\nmy 15 minutes!\n\nJERRY\nOh, quit complaining. At least you have\nyour health.\n\nGEORGE\nAh! Health's not good enough. I want\nmore than health. Health's not doing\nit for me anymore. I'm sick\n\nof health.\n\nWOMAN\nAll right, we're done. You can have\nit now.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, very gracious.\n\n(Jerry and George are walking down the sidewalk.\nKramer and Elaine drive up.)\n\nMAN\nNice day\n\nGEORGE\nYeah.\n\nJERRY\nWhat is that?\n\nKRAMER\nHey! JoJo!\n\nJERRY\nEy, ey!\n\nELAINE\nAll right, thanks for the ride, Kramer.\n\nKRAMER\nNo, thank you. So what are you doing?\n\nJERRY\nNothing.\n\nKRAMER\nCome on, let's go to the beach.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat are you crazy?\n\nKRAMER\nWhat? It's a beautiful day.\n\nJERRY\nHave a good time.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, there's something in the air today.\nYou feel it? There's something in the\nair.\n\nJERRY\nYou know you're turning into Burt Lancaster?\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, there's something in the air.\n\n(Kramer drives off)\n\nELAINE\nOh, I forgot to call Jill. Jill. Hi,\nit's Elaine. How is your father? Is\neverything okay? What? I can't hear\nyou so good. There's a lot of static.\nWha? I'm going to call you back.\n\nJERRY\nJill's father is in the hospital and\nyou call to ask about him on a cell\nphone?\n\nELAINE\nWhat? No good?\n\nJERRY\nFaux pas.\n\nELAINE\nFaux pas?\n\nGEORGE\nBig hefty stinking faux pas.\n\nELAINE\nWhy?\n\nJERRY\nYou can't make a health inquiry on a\ncell phone. It's like saying \"I don't\nwant to take up any of my important time\nin my home so I'll just get it out of the way\non the street.\"\n\nGEORGE\nOn-the-street cell-phone call is the\nlowest phone call you can make.\n\nJERRY\nIt's an act of total disregard. It's\nselfish.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's dismissive.\n\nJERRY\nIt's pompous.\n\nGEORGE\nWhy don't you think before you do something?\n\nELAINE\nHere's a thought - Bye bye.\n\n(Exit Elaine)\n\nGEORGE\nToo much?\n\n(Jerry and George enter Jerry's apartment)\n\nGEORGE\nBoy - I'm really surprised at Elaine\n- that whole phone business - she should\nknow better than that.\n\nJERRY\nHey - hey - hey!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nWhere do you think this relationship\nis? If you are thinking of instituting\nan open-door urination policy, let me\ndisabuse you of that notion right now,\nmy friend.\n\nGEORGE\nYou're so uptight.\n\nJERRY\nUptight? Let's all just have a big pee\nparty. Hey everybody, grab a bucket.\nWe're going up to Jerry's. It's a pee\nparty.\n\n(Jerry listens to his answering machine)\n\nPHONE TAPE\nJerry, this is Elizabeth Clark calling\nfrom James Kimbrough's office at NBC.\nCould you please give us a call? Thanks.\n\nJERRY\nHello. Yeah, hi, this is Jerry Seinfeld\ncalling for James Kimbrough. Hello?\nHi? Uh huh, really, uh, no problem,\ndefinitely, ok, buhbye. That was James Kimbrough.\n\nGEORGE\nWho's he?\n\nJERRY\nHe is the new president of NBC. He wants\nto sit down with us and talk about \"Jerry.\"\n\nGEORGE\nOur show, \"Jerry\"?\n\nJERRY\nRight.\n\nGEORGE\n\"Jerry\", oh my God. He wants to talk\nabout \"Jerry\"?\n\nJERRY\nYeah!\n\nGEORGE\nWhen?\n\nJERRY\nToday, like right now.\n\nGEORGE\nRight now? \"Jerry\"?\n\nJERRY\n\"Jerry\"!\n\nGEORGE\nHe wants to talk about \"Jerry\"?\n\nJERRY\nHe wants to talk about \"Jerry\"!\n\nGEORGE\n\"Jerry\"!\n\nJERRY\n\"Jerry\"!\n\nGEORGE\nCan I go like this?\n\nJERRY\nSure!\n\nGEORGE\nNo sports jacket? I don't need a sports\njacket? Writers wear sports jackets.\n\nJERRY\nForget the sports jacket.\n\nGEORGE\nI won't feel like a writer.\n\nJERRY\nYou're not a writer.\n\nGEORGE\nRight!\n\n(Jerry and George are sitting in a waiting room at NBC)\n\nGEORGE\nWater. Need some water! Water here!\n\nJERRY\nOk, now listen, I don't want any scenes\nin here like the last time.\n\nGEORGE\nDon't worry, don't worry, no scenes.\n\nJERRY\nDon't blow this.\n\nGEORGE\nI will not blow this.\n\nJERRY\nIf he says he doesn't want it to be\na show about nothing, don't go nuts.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's fine, it doesn't have to be about\nnothing.\n\nJERRY\nHe might not want nothing.\n\nGEORGE\nSomething, nothing, I could care less.\n\nJERRY\nHe might want a show about anything\nand everything.\n\nGEORGE\nAnything, everything, something, nothing\n- Who the hell cares? Put me down. I'm\ndown!\n\nJERRY\nAll right.\n\nRECEPTIONIST\nMr. Kimbrough is ready to see you\n\nGEORGE\nMagic time.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\n(Jerry and George are escorted into Mr. Kimbrough's office)\n\nRECEPTIONIST\nMr. Kimbrough.\n\nSTU\nHey, Jerry, good to see you.\n\nGEORGE\nHey, hey, hey!\n\nSTU\nHow you been?\n\nJERRY\nGood, good. You remember George.\n\nSTU\nGeorge, good to see you.\n\nGEORGE\nHello Stu.\n\nSTU\nYou remember Jay Crespi.\n\nGEORGE\nJay Crespi, how am I gonna forget Jay\nCrespi?\n\nSTU\nThis is James Kimbrough.\n\nKIMBROUGH\nNice to meet you, pleasure, thanks for\ncoming in.\n\nGEORGE\nKimbrough.\n\nJERRY\nDon't spell.\n\nGEORGE\nK-I-M-B-R-O-U-G-H\n\nKIMBROUGH\nThat's right.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's a talent I have.\n\nKIMBROUGH\nWhy don't we sit down, glad you're here.\n\nGEORGE\nWoo! Some day out there - You ever see\nweather like that? Woo! It's crisp -\nit's crispy crisp.\n\nJERRY\nShut up, George.\n\nKIMBROUGH\nCan I get you anything?\n\nGEORGE\nWhat do we have in the fruit department?\n\nJERRY\nOy.\n\nSTU\nPineapple.\n\nGEORGE\nOh, that's a dangerous fruit. It's like\na weapon that thing, got spikes on the\nend. You can get killed from\n\none of those things.\n\nKIMBROUGH\nAnyway, let me tell you why I called.\nWhen I took over here last month, I\nreviewed what was in development,and\nit was pretty much same old, same old.\n\nGEORGE\nBeen there, done that.\n\nKIMBROUGH\nRight. I was looking for something different.\nSomething that would have people talking\nat the water coolers.\n\nGEORGE\nWater coolers?\n\nCRESPI\nWe call it a water-cooler show.\n\nJERRY\nBecause the next day in the offices,\npeople gather around the water coolers\nto talk about it, right?\n\nGEORGE\nSee, I think people would talk about\nit at the coffee machines.\n\nJERRY\nWell it's probably just easier to say\n\"water cooler show\" than \"coffee machine\nshow.\"\n\nGEORGE\nIt's really not accurate. Nobody drinks\nfrom a water cooler any more - they\nuse bottles.\n\nJERRY\nBut I think Mr. Kimbrough makes a good\npoint.\n\nKIMBROUGH\nAnyway, Stu here started telling me\nabout a show, \"Jerry\", that he developed\nfive years ago.\n\nSTU\nI have always loved it.\n\nKIMBROUGH\nHe said it was a show about nothing.\nSo, I saw the pilot and I've got to\ntell you - I flipped out.\n\nCRESPI\nHe totally flipped out.\n\nKIMBROUGH\nWhat I want to do is put it on the air.\n13-episode commitment. Start it off\non Wednesday night, build up an audience.\nThis show needs time to grow. I love that\nKramer guy.\n\nJERRY\nHe's a little off the wall.\n\nCRESPI\nOh yeah.\n\nSTU\nKramer.\n\nKIMBROUGH\nAnd Elaine - I wouldn't mind seeing\nsomething happening between you two.\n\nJERRY\nDefinitely.\n\nGEORGE\nI tell you, I really don't think so-called\nrelationship humor is what this show\nis all about.\n\nKIMBROUGH\nOr we could not do the show altogether,\nhow about that?\n\nGEORGE\nOr we could get them together. Woo!\n\n(George and Jerry attempt a hug outside\nMr. Kimbrough's office)\n\nGEORGE\nYeah!\n\nJERRY\nYeah!\n\n(Elaine is at home using the phone when\nJerry calls to tell her the news)\n\nELAINE\nJill, hi, it's Elaine. Well, I'm calling\nfrom my home. Indoors. Well, I was just\ncalling to see how your fa.. I'm sorry, I'm\ngetting another call. Hang on just a second.\nHello?\n\nJERRY\nHi. Elaine, it's me.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, I'm on the other line.\n\nJERRY\nNo no - this is an emergency - get off\nthe phone.\n\nELAINE\nI'm sorry, Jill. I'm going to have to\ntake this call. Jerry, what's the emergency?\n\nJERRY\nThe \"Jerry\"'s back on - the TV show!\nGeorge and I are moving to California!\n\nELAINE\nThat's the emergency?\n\nJERRY\nDid you hear what I said?\n\nELAINE\nI was on the other line talking to Jill.\n\nJERRY\nJill? Well, why didn't you say so?\n\nELAINE\nYou said it was an emergency.\n\nJERRY\nSo now she's lost a phone face-off?\nThat's even worse than your cell phone\nwalk-and-talk.\n\n(Jerry is telling his parents the good\nnews about Jerry)\n\nHELEN\nCongratulations, they're doing the show.\n\nMORTY\nThey should have put that show on 5\nyears ago. Bunch of idiots at that network.\nCan I tell you something, Jerry? It's\nall crap on TV. The only thing I watch\nis Xena the Warrior Princess. She must\nbe about six-six.\n\nHELEN\nShe's not six-six.\n\nMORTY\nJerry, you ever watch that?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, it's pretty good.\n\n(George is telling his parents the news.)\n\nESTELLE\nThey picked up the show?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm moving to California.\n\nFRANK\nOh baby-doll, this kid's going places,\nI told you.\n\nESTELLE\nThe NBC guy liked it?\n\nGEORGE\nOf course he liked it.\n\nESTELLE\nHe told you he liked it?\n\nGEORGE\nHe wouldn't put it on if he didn't like\nit.\n\nESTELLE\nWell, what are you doing?\n\nGEORGE\nI'm writing.\n\nESTELLE\nYou know how to write?\n\nFRANK\nWithout the writing, you have nothing.\nYou're the ones that make them look\ngood.\n\nESTELLE\nSince when do you know how to write?\nI never saw you write anything.\n\nGEORGE\nMa?!\n\nESTELLE\nI don't know how you're going to write\nall those shows. And where are you get\nall the ideas?\n\nFRANK\nWould you leave him alone? You'll shatter\nhis confidence!\n\nGEORGE\nI don't need any ideas. It's a show\nabout nothing.\n\nESTELLE\nNothing. Please. I'll tell you the truth\n- the whole thing sounds pretty stupid\nto me.\n\n(Jerry is on the phone with his agent,\nKramer walks in.)\n\nJERRY\nNBC is letting me use their private\njet? And I can go anywhere I want? That's\nfantastic! Thanks. Great.\n\nOkay, bye.\n\nKRAMER\nOh hey!\n\nJERRY\nHey - how was the beach?\n\nKRAMER\nOh, you missed it, buddy - lot of femininas\n- some major femininas\n\nJERRY\nI had a little meeting today at NBC.\nWhat are you doing?\n\nKRAMER\nYou know, I went swimming and I can't\nget this water out of my ear.\n\nJERRY\nSo do you remember five years ago, we\ndid that pilot, \"Jerry\"? Well, the new\nguy at NBC wants to do it.\n\nThey're putting it on the air! They're\ngiving us a 13-episode commitment. George\nand I are moving to California!\n\nKRAMER\nYou're moving to California?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, only for a while.\n\nKRAMER\nYeah, but Jerry, what happens if the\nshow's a hit? You could be out there\nfor years! You might never come back.\n\nJERRY\nNo, I'll be back.\n\nKRAMER\nJerry. It's L.A. Nobody leaves. She's\na seductress, she's a siren, she's a\nvirgin, she's a whore.\n\nJERRY\nAnd my agent said as a bonus, I can\nuse their private jet, so we'll all\ngo somewhere - the four of us, one big\nfling before George and I go to California.\n\nKRAMER\nFling!\n\n(The group is sitting at their table at Monks)\n\nELAINE\nSo we can go anywhere we want?\n\nJERRY\nAnywhere.\n\nELAINE\nWhy are they doing this?\n\nJERRY\nI think they want to make it up to us\ncause they let this thing sit on their\nshelf for five years.\n\nELAINE\nThis is all very exciting.\n\nGEORGE\nSo? Where are we going?\n\nKRAMER\nI say Japan.\n\nELAINE\nWhy Japan?\n\nKRAMER\nOh - geishas - they cater to your every\nwhim. They're shy at first, but they're\nquite skilled at conversation. They\ncan discuss anything from world affairs\nto the fine art of fishing - or baking.\n\nELAINE\nOh - I got it - how about Russia?\n\nJERRY\nRussia, it's so bleak.\n\nELAINE\nIt's not bleak - it's springtime.\n\nJERRY\nIt's still bleak.\n\nELAINE\nYou can't be bleak in spring.\n\nJERRY\nYou can be bleak in spring.\n\nGEORGE\nIf you're bleak, you're bleak.\n\nELAINE\nWhat about Switzerland?\n\nKRAMER\nOh - Switzerland - the Von Trapp family,\nhuh?\n\nGEORGE\nIt's a bit hilly - no?\n\nELAINE\nYou're not going to do any walking.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat if I want to walk around a little?\n\nELAINE\nSo then you'll walk down the hill and\nwe'll pick you up.\n\nGEORGE\nWhat if I'm at the bottom?\n\nELAINE\nAll right! You know what, just forget\nit!\n\nJERRY\nAlright - come on - come on now, people.\nLet's face it, we're not all going to\nagree on anything.\n\nWhy don't we all just go to Paris?\n\nELAINE\nI'll go to Paris.\n\nGEORGE\nMe too.\n\nKRAMER\nOh yeah - oui oui.\n\nJERRY\nSo that's it - it's settled, we're going\nto Paris.\n\nGROUP\nYeah!\n\n(Elaine walks into Jerry's apartment)\n\nELAINE\nHey. NBC limo is downstairs - beep beep\nbeep. {NBC tune} I'm just going to call\nJill one more time before we go.\n\nJERRY\nWait, you can't make a call like that\non your way out. You can't rush that\nconversation.\n\nELAINE\nWell, I can't call from the limo. Can\nI call from the plane?\n\nJERRY\nFirst you make a cell-phone walk-and-talk,\nthen she loses a call-waiting face-off,\nnow you're talking about\n\na plane call?\n\nELAINE\nAll right, I'll just have to call her\nfrom Paris.\n\n(Knock at the door. Jerry answers.)\n\nNEWMAN\nHello, Jerry.\n\nJERRY\nHello, Newman. What gives?\n\nNEWMAN\nI was speaking earlier with Kramer and\nhe mentioned something about a private\njet to Paris?\n\nJERRY\nYeah, that's right.\n\nNEWMAN\nWell, I hear it's quite beautiful there\nthis time of year, and of course you\nknow I'm one-quarter French.\n\nJERRY\nReally.\n\nNEWMAN\nOh yes, in fact I still have family\nthere. This probably won't interest\nyou, but I have a cousin there who's\nsuffering very badly. She's lost all\nuse of her muscles. She can only communicate\nby blinking. I would so love to see\nher - bring a ray of sunshine into her\ntragic life. But alas, I can't afford\nit, for I am, as you know, but a simple\npostal worker.\n\nJERRY\nThat's a shame.\n\nNEWMAN\nTake me! Take me!\n\nJERRY\nOh, forget it. Pull yourself together.\nYou're making me sick. Be a man!\n\nNEWMAN\nAll right! But hear me and hear me well\n- The day will come. Oh yes, mark my\nwords, Seinfeld - your day of reckoning\nis coming. When an evil wind will blow\nthrough your little playworld, and wipe\nthat smug smile off your face. And I'll be\nthere, in all my glory, watching - watching\nas it all comes crumbling down.\n\n(The group arrives by limo to the airport)\n\nCAPTAIN\nAh, Jerry?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nCAPTAIN\nI'm Captain Maddox this is my co-pilot,\nKurt Adams. Ready to go to Paris?\n\nJERRY\nAll set. We'll just grab the bags.\n\nCAPTAIN\nDon't worry about that. We'll take care\nof them for you.\n\nJERRY\nJust keeps on getting better and better.\n\n(Our heroes enter the plane)\n\nJERRY\nNot bad.\n\nELAINE\nWow!\n\nKRAMER\nThe only way to fly.\n\nGEORGE\nThis is it?\n\n(After take-off, the group chit-chats)\n\nGEORGE\nI'm sorry - I have to say, I'm a little\ndisappointed, I thought it would be\na lot nicer.\n\nJERRY\nYou're complaining about a private jet?\n\nGEORGE\nYou think this is the plane that Ted\nDanson gets?\n\nJERRY\nTed Danson is not even on the network\nanymore.\n\nGEORGE\nStill, I bet when they gave him a plane,\nit was a lot nicer than this one.\n\nELAINE\nWill you shut up? You are ruining the\nwhole trip.\n\nGEORGE\nThis is a real piece of junk. I don't\neven feel safe on this thing. I have\na good mind to write a letter toMr.\nKimbrough.\n\nJERRY\nYou're not writing any letters!\n\nELAINE\nWill you turn around?\n\nGEORGE\nWhy?\n\nELAINE\nYou are annoying me sitting like that.\nIt's effeminate.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's effeminate to sit like this?\n\nELAINE\nYes, I think it's a little effeminate.\n\nGEORGE\nHow is this effeminate?\n\nELAINE\nI don't know - it just is.\n\nGEORGE\nKramer, what are you doing?\n\nJERRY\nStill got water in your ear?\n\nKRAMER\nCan't get rid of it. Maybe it leaked\ninside my brain.\n\nGEORGE\nWould you stop that? It's not safe to\nbe jumping up and down on a plane.\n\nKRAMER\nI got to get it out, I can't take this\nanymore.\n\nGEORGE\nKramer, don't be fooling around up here.\n\nGEORGE\nKramer!\n\nCAPTAIN\nHey, get the hell out of here!\n\nELAINE\nWhat is that?\n\nGEORGE\nOh my God!\n\nELAINE\nWhat is that noise? What is that noise?\n\nJERRY\nKramer, what the hell did you do?\n\nKRAMER\nI lost my balance.\n\nELAINE\nOh my God!\n\nELAINE\nWhat's going on?\n\nJERRY\nKramer!\n\nKRAMER\nIt was an accident.\n\nGEORGE\nI told you to stop with the hopping.\n\nELAINE\nOh my God, we're going down. We're going\nto die!\n\nGEORGE\nJust when I was doing great. I told\nyou God wouldn't let me be successful.\n\nJERRY\nIs this it? Is this how it ends? It\ncan't- it can't end like this.\n\nKRAMER\nI'm ready! I'm ready! Glory hallelujah!\n\nGEORGE\nJerry? Jerry can you hear me?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nThere's something I have to tell you.\n\nJERRY\nWhat? What is it?\n\nGEORGE\nI cheated in the contest.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nThe contest - I cheated.\n\nJERRY\nWhy?\n\nGEORGE\nBecause I'm a cheater! I had to tell\nyou.\n\nJERRY\nGreat - I won.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, I gotta tell you something too.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, Elaine I got something I want\nto say to you.\n\nELAINE\nNo no - me first.\n\nJERRY\nAlright.\n\nELAINE\nJerry, I've always loved ..u..\n\nGEORGE\nHey - What's going on?\n\nKRAMER\nWe're straightening out!\n\nELAINE\nWe're straightening out?\n\nJERRY\nWe're straightening out!\n\nGEORGE\nWe're straightening out!\n\nGROUP\nYeah!\n\n(Outside the plane)\n\nCAPTAIN\nWell, again, sorry about that little\nmishap. But once you get everything\nchecked out there shouldn't be anymore\nproblems.\n\nJERRY\nWhere are we?\n\nCAPTAIN\nLatham, Massachusetts. Why don't you\ntake a cab into town, get yourself something\nto eat. I got your beeper number - I'll\nbeep you as soon as we're ready.\n\nJERRY\nOkay.\n\nELAINE\nOkay.\n\nJERRY\nWe'll see you later.\n\n(In front of a store, in Latham, Massachusetts)\n\nELAINE\nWell, what are we going to do about\nParis? I mean are we actually going\nto get back on this plane?\n\nJERRY\nI say we go back to New York, and take\na regular flight.\n\nGEORGE\nI'm not getting on a regular plane now\n- I'm all psyched up to go on a private\njet. No way I'm getting on a regular\nplane.\n\nELAINE\nWell, I'm sure that they would fly us\nfirst class.\n\nGEORGE\nFirst class doesn't make it anymore.\nNow you get on the phone with Kimbrough,\ntell him what happened and tell him\nto get another plane down here, but\nthis time, the good one - the Ted Danson\nplane.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, I'll feel him out.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, just tell him to hurry it up.\n\nSTRANGER\nNice day.\n\nJERRY\nAnother one?\n\n(A carjacking takes place in front of the group)\n\nROBBER\nAlright fatso, out of the car.\n\nKRAMER\nI want to capture this.\n\nROBBER\nCome on! Gimme your wallet.\n\nVICTIM\nDon't shoot.\n\nJERRY\nWell, there goes the money for the lipo.\n\nELAINE\nSee, the great thing about robbing a\nfat guy is it's an easy getaway. You\nknow? They can't really chase ya!\n\nGEORGE\nHe's actually doing him a favor. It's\nless money for him to buy food.\n\nROBBER\nI want your wallet. Come on. Come on,\ncome on.\n\nJERRY\nThat's a shame. Alright, I'm gonna call\nNBC.\n\nVICTIM\nOfficer, he's stealing my car! Officer,\nI was carjacked. I was held up at gunpoint!\nHe took my wallet, everything!\n\nJERRY\nOkay, thanks anyway. They can't get\nanother plane.\n\nKRAMER\nAll right, what's wrong with the plane\nwe got? They're just checking it out.\n\nELAINE\nForget it.\n\nJERRY\nNo, no, no. We're not getting on there.\nCome on, let's go get something to eat\nin Sticksville.\n\nOFFICER\nAll right, hold it right there.\n\nKRAMER\nWhat?\n\nOFFICER\nYou're under arrest.\n\nJERRY\nUnder arrest? What for?\n\nOFFICER\nArticle 223-7 of the Latham County Penal\nCode.\n\nELAINE\nWhat? No, no - we didn't do anything.\n\nOFFICER\nThat's exactly right. The law requires\nyou to help or assist anyone in danger\nas long as it's reasonable todo so.George:\nI never heard of that.\n\nOFFICER\nIt's new. It's called the Good Samaritan\nLaw. Let's go.\n\n(In a cell, at the Latham County Jail)\n\nELAINE\nThe Good Samaritan Law? Are they crazy?\n\nGEORGE\nWhy would we want to help somebody?\n\nELAINE\nI know.\n\nGEORGE\nThat's what nuns and Red Cross workers\nare for.\n\nKRAMER\nThe Samaritans were an ancient tribe\n- very helpful to people.\n\nELAINE\nAlright - um, excuse me, hi, could you\ntell me what kind of law this is.\n\nDEPUTY\nWell, they just passed it last year.\nIt's modeled after the French law. I\nheard about it after Princess Diana\nwas killed and all those photographers\nwere just standing around.\n\nJERRY\nOh, yeah.\n\nELAINE\nOh, yeah.\n\nDEPUTY\nYou're the first ones to be arrested\non it, probably in the whole country.\n\nGEORGE\nAll right, so what's the penalty here?\nLet's just pay the fine or something\nand get the hell out of here.\n\nDEPUTY\nWell, it's not that easy. Now see, the\nlaw calls for a maximum fine of $85,000\nand as much as five years in prison.\n\nELAINE\nWhat?\n\nGEORGE\nOh no no no no - we have to be in California\nnext week. We're starting a TV show.\n\nDEPUTY\nCalifornia? Oh gosh, I don't think so.\nYeah, my guess is you're gonna be prosecuted.\nBetter get yourselves a good lawyer.\n\n(Lawyer Jackie Chiles' office)\n\nCHILES\nWho told you to put the cheese on? Did\nI tell you to put the cheese on? I didn't\ntell you to put the cheese on.\n\n(The phone rings)\n\nSECRETARY\nJerry Seinfeld on the phone.\n\nCHILES\nYou people with the cheese. It never\nends. Hello? Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh.\nGood Samaritan Law? I never heard of\nit. You don't have to help anybody.\nThat's what this country's all about.\nThat's deplorable, unfathomable, improbable.\nHold on. Suzie, cancel my appointment\nwith Dr. Bison. And pack a bag for me.\nI want to get to Latham, Massachusetts,right\naway.\n\nPROSECUTOR\nSo they got Jackie Chiles, huh?\n\nD.A. HOYT\nUh huh. You know what that means. This\nwhole place is going to be swarming\nwith media by the time this thing is\nover. You're not going to be able to\nfind a hotel room in this town. The\nwhole country is going to be watching\nus. Now we got to do whatever it takes\nto win it, no matter what the cost.\nThe big issue in this trial is going\nto be character. I want you to find out\neverything you can about these people\n- and I mean everything.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Seinfeld-The-Finale-Part-2.html",
    "text": "THE FINALE PART 2\n\nWritten by\n\nLarry David\n\n(The four are in prison, having a meal)\n\nKRAMER\nMmmm, this is pretty good chow, huh?\n\nGEORGE\nWould it kill him to check up on us?\nNo - drops off the meals and that's\nit. I realize we're prisoners, but we're\nstill entitled to catsup.\n\nELAINE\nI guess we could've called for help.\n\nJERRY\nBut then we would have missed the whole\nthing.\n\nKRAMER\nI still had it on video. We could have\nwatched it later.\n\nGEORGE\nYeah, he's right.\n\nJERRY\nI forgot about the video.\n\nELAINE\nSure - the video.\n\n(Jerry's beeper starts beeping)\n\nELAINE\nWhat is that?\n\nJERRY\nPlane's ready.\n\n(Rivera Live news show)\n\nRIVERA\nHi everybody, I'm Geraldo Rivera. Tonight\nwe'll be talking about what most of\nyou have probably been\n\ndiscussing in your homes, and around the water coolers in your\noffices. I am speaking of course of the controversial Good Samaritan\ntrial that gets underway Thursday in Latham, Massachusetts. Now\nbefore we meet our distinguished panel, let's go to Latham live,\nwhere Jane Wells is standing by. Jane-\n\nWELLS\nYes. Good evening, Geraldo.\n\nRIVERA\nWhat's the mood? What's going on tonight?\n\nWELLS\nWell, Latham is fairly quite tonight,\nconsidering the media circus that has\ndescended upon this quaint little town.\n\nRIVERA\nAnd what about the defendants - the\nso-called New York Four. How are they\nholding up?\n\nWELLS\nWell, I did speak with one of the deputies\nwho had some contact with them, and\nhe told me quote \"There's no love lost\nwith that group.\"\n\nRIVERA\nAnything else, Jane?\n\nWELLS\nThere also seems to be some friction\nbetween Mr. Seinfeld, and Ms. Benes.\nThe rumor is that they once dated,\n\nand it's possible that ended badly.\n\nRIVERA\nWell, ladies and gentlemen, who know,\nmaybe this trial will bring them closer\ntogether. Maybe they'll even end up\ngetting married.\n\n(Jerry's parents are packing)\n\nHELEN\nI hope you packed enough - this trial\ncould last for weeks.\n\nMORTY\nWhat's all that?\n\nHELEN\nCereal.\n\nMORTY\nYou're packing cereal?\n\nHELEN\nI'm bringing it for Jerry.\n\nMORTY\nYou got enough here for a life sentence.\n\nHELEN\nHe likes it. He says he misses that\nmore that anything.\n\nMORTY\nSo bring a snack-pack.\n\n(George's parents are packing)\n\nESTELLE\nPoor Georgie, was it our fault this\nhappened to him? Did we do something\nwrong? Maybe it was our fault.\n\nFRANK\nMaybe it was your fault. It wasn't my\nfault. I can tell you that.\n\nESTELLE\nOh, so it was my fault, but not yours.\n\nFRANK\nYou were the one who smothered him.\n\nESTELLE\nI did not smother him.\n\nFRANK\nYou smothered! He couldn't get any air!\nHe couldn't breathe! He was suffocating!\n\nESTELLE\nSure, and you were always in Korea with\nyour religious chachkis.\n\nFRANK\nI had to make a living!\n\n(Newman, laughing, leaves his building with a suitcase. Uncle\nLeo leaves with his bags, followed by J. Peterman, David Puddy\nin his 8-ball jacket, Mickey, Kenny Bania, Mr. and Mrs. Ross,\nMr. Bookman, Keith Hernandez, and George\n\nSteinbrenner.)\n\n(The four are at a table. Jerry and Kramer are enjoying some\ncereal, while they wait for Jackie Chiles.)\n\nKRAMER\nThis is excellent huh? Don't worry I\ndidn't use too much milk, cause I know\nwe gotta make it last.\n\nJERRY\nYou know I've had to reduce my milk\nlevel. My whole life I've always filled\nto at least three quarters - sometimes,\nto the top of the cereal. Now, to conserve,\nI can't even see the milk anymore. It's\na big adjustment.\n\nKRAMER\nI bet.\n\nJERRY\nIt's one of the hardest things I've\never had to do.\n\n(Enter Jackie Chiles)\n\nCHILES\nGood morning.\n\nELAINE\nGood morning, Jackie.\n\nJERRY\nGood morning.\n\nCHILES\nIs everybody ready? Didn't I tell you\nI wanted you to wear the cardigan?\n\nGEORGE\nIt makes me look older.\n\nCHILES\nLook older? Do you think this is a game?\nIs that what you think this is? I'm\ntrying to give you amoral compass. You\nhave no moral compass. You're going\nto walk into that courtroom, and the\njury's going to see a mean, nasty, evil\nGeorge Costanza. I want them to see\nPerry Como. No one's going to convict\nPerry Como. Perry Como helps out a fat\ntub who's getting robbed.\n\n(Jerry laughs)\n\nCHILES\nDo you think it's funny?\n\nJERRY\nNo.\n\nCHILES\nYou damn right it isn't. You better\nnot be carrying on laughing in that\ncourtroom, funny man. Cause if you start\ngetting all smart-alecky, making wisecracks,\nacting a fool, you gonna find yourself\nin here for a long, long time. I don't\nlike that tie. Suzie, get one of my\nties from my briefcase.\n\nELAINE\nHow do I look, Jackie?\n\nCHILES\nOh, you looking good. You look strong.\nYou one fine-looking sexy lady.\n\nELAINE\nThank you, Jackie.\n\nKRAMER\nHow bout me, Jackie?\n\nCHILES\nKramer, you always look good. You got\nrespect for yourself. You're genuine.\nJury's going to pick up on that.\n\n(Jackie hands Jerry a tie)\n\nCHILES\nHere.\n\nJERRY\nThis one?\n\nCHILES\nThat's right.\n\nJERRY\nDo I have to?\n\nELAINE\nJackie says put it on, Jerry.\n\n(Court is starting)\n\nBAILIFF\nAll rise. Fourth District County Court,\nLatham, Massachusetts is now in session.\nThe Honorable Judge\n\nArthur Vandelay presiding.\n\nGEORGE\nVandelay? The judge's name is Vandelay?\n\nCHILES\nVanda who?\n\nGEORGE\nJerry, did you hear that?\n\nJERRY\nYeah.\n\nGEORGE\nI think that's a good sign.\n\nVANDELAY\nIs the District Attorney ready to proceed?\n\nHOYT\nWe are, Your Honor.\n\nVANDELAY\nMr. Hoyt.\n\nHOYT\nLadies and gentlemen, last year, our\nCity Council by a vote of twelve to\ntwo, passed a Good Samaritan Law. Now,\nessentially, we made it a crime to ignore\na fellow human being in trouble. Now\nthis group from New York not only ignored,\nbut, as we will prove, they actually\nmocked the victim as he was being robbed\nat gunpoint. I can guarantee you one\nother thing, ladies and gentlemen, this\nis not the first time they have behaved\nin this manner. On the contrary, they\nhave quite a record of mocking and maligning.\nThis is a history of selfishness, self-absorption,\nimmaturity, and greed. And you will\nsee how everyone who has come into contact\nwith these four individuals has been\nabused, wronged, deceived and betrayed.\nThis time, they have gone too far. This\ntime they are going to be held accountable.\nThis time, they are the ones who will\n\npay.\n\n(Newman shown eating popcorn)\n\nVANDELAY\nMr. Chiles.\n\nCHILES\nI am shocked and chagrined, mortified\nand stupefied. This trial is outrageous!\nIt is a waste of the taxpayers' time\nand money. It is a travesty of justice\nthat these four people have been incarcerated\nwhile the real perpetrator is walking\naround laughing - lying and laughing,\nlaughing and lying. You know what these\nfour people were? They were innocentbystanders.\nNow, you just think about that term.\nInnocent. Bystanders. Because that's\nexactly what they were. We know theywere\nbystanders, nobody's disputing that.\nSo how can a bystander be guilty? No\nsuch thing. Have you ever heard of a\nguilty bystander? No, because you cannot\nbe a bystander and be guilty. Bystanders\nare by definition, innocent. That is\nthe nature of bystanding. But no, they\nwant to change nature here. They want\nto create a whole new animal - the guilty\nbystander. Don't you let them do it.\nOnly you can stop them.\n\nVANDELAY\nIs the prosecution ready to present\nits first witness?\n\nHOYT\nWe are, Your Honor. Call Officer Matt\nVogel to the stand.\n\nBAILIFF\nCall Matt Vogel.\n\nHOYT\nSo they were just standing there?\n\nVOLEG\nYes.\n\nHOYT\nDid one of them have a video camera?\n\nVOGEL\nYes.\n\nHOYT\nYour Honor, with the court's permission,\nwe would like to play back that video\nand enter it into evidence as Exhibit\nA.\n\nVANDELAY\nProceed.\n\n(The tape plays)\n\nVICTIM\nDon't shoot.\n\nJERRY\nWell, there goes the money for the lipo.\n\nELAINE\nSee, the great thing about robbing a\nfat guy is it's an easy getaway. They\ncan't really chase ya!\n\nGEORGE\nHe's actually doing him a favor. It's\nless money for him to buy food.\n\nthe victim of the robbery)\n\nHOYT\nSo they just stood there and did nothing?\n\nVICTIM\nYeah, nothing. Nothing!\n\nHOYT\nNo further questions.\n\n(Enter NBC executives Stu Chermak and Jay Crespi)\n\nGEORGE\nHey! Great plane! Thanks a lot. Piece\nof junk. You know you almost got us\nkilled!\n\nHOYT\nCall Mabel Choate to the stand.\n\nBAILIFF\nCall Mabel Choate.\n\nCHILES\nYour Honor. I most strenuously and vigorously\nobject to this witness. She was not\npresent at the time of\n\nthe incident. Her testimony is irrelevant, irrational, and inconsequential.\n\nHOYT\nYour Honor, the prosecution has gone\nto great lengths and considerable cost\nto find these character witnesses.It\nis imperative that we establish this\nis not merely an isolated incident.\nIt's part of a pattern of anti-social\nbehavior that's been going on for years.\n\nVANDELAY\nObjection overruled. I'll hear the witness.\n\nHOYT\nNow, Mrs. Choate, would you please tell\nthe court what happen the evening of\nJanuary 4th.\n\nCHOATE\nWell, I was in Snitzer's Bakery when\nI got accosted by that man.\n\nHOYT\nLet the record show that she is pointing\nat Mr. Seinfeld.\n\nHOYT\nWhat did he want?\n\nCHOATE\nMy marble rye.\n\nHOYT\nYour marble rye?\n\nCHOATE\nI got the last one. He kept persisting,\nand I said no.\n\nHOYT\nAnd then you left the bakery.\n\nCHOATE\nThat's right.\n\nHOYT\nBut it didn't end there, did it, Mrs.\nChoate?\n\nCHOATE\nOh no.\n\n(Scene from past episode, \"The Rye\")\n\nJERRY\nGimme that rye.\n\nCHOATE\nStop it.\n\nJERRY\nI want that rye lady.\n\nCHOATE\nHelp - someone help.\n\nJERRY\nShut up, you old bag!\n\n(Back to the present)\n\nHOYT\nNo further questions.\n\nHOYT\nI call Marla Penny to the stand.\n\nBAILIFF\nCall Marla Penny.\n\nJERRY\nThe virgin!\n\nHOYT\nAnd what was your connection to the\ndefendants?\n\nPENNY\nI dated Mr. Seinfeld for several weeks\nin the autumn of 1992.\n\nHOYT\nThen on the evening of October 28, there\nwas an abrupt end to that relationship.\nTell us what happened.\n\nPENNY\nIt's rather difficult to talk about.\n\nHOYT\nIt's alright. Take your time.\n\nPENNY\nWell, I became aware of a -\n\nHOYT\nA what?\n\nPENNY\nA, uh -\n\nHOYT\nYes?\n\nPENNY\nA contest.\n\nHOYT\nContest?\n\nPENNY\nYes.\n\nHOYT\nWhat was the nature of the contest?\n\nPENNY\nOh please, I can't.\n\nHOYT\nIt's okay.\n\nPENNY\nThe four of them made a wager to see\nif they could -\n\nHOYT\nYes?\n\nPENNY\nTo see who could go the longest without\ngratifying themselves.\n\nPETERMAN\nFor the love of God!\n\nPENNY\nIt was horrible, horrible!\n\nHOYT\nCall Donald Sanger to the stand.\n\nJERRY\nWho the hell is that?\n\nMR. SANGER\nCome on Donald, you're doing fine.\n\nGEORGE\nThe Bubble Boy!\n\nCHILES\nBubble Boy?\n\nJERRY\nThat's right, the Bubble Boy.\n\nCHILES\nWhat's a Bubble Boy?\n\nJERRY\nHe's a boy who lives in a bubble.\n\nBUBBLE BOY\nWhat the hell are all you looking at?\n\nHOYT\nSo Donald, would you please tell the\ncourt about the incident that occurred\nin your house, October 7th, 1992.\n\nBUBBLE BOY\nWell, Jerry Seinfeld was supposed to\ncome to my house, but his friend Costanza\nshowed up instead, so I challenged him\nto a game of Trivial Pursuit.\n\n(Scene from past episode, \"The Bubble Boy\")\n\nGEORGE\nWho invaded Spain in the Eighth Century?\n\nBUBBLE BOY\nThat's a joke - the Moors.\n\nGEORGE\nOh no - I'm so sorry, it's the Moops.\nThe correct answer is the Moops.\n\nBUBBLE BOY\nMoops? Let me see that. That's not Moops,\nyou jerk. It's Moors. It's a misprint.\n\nGEORGE\nSorry, the card says Moops.\n\nBUBBLE BOY\nIt doesn't matter. It's Moors - there's\nno Moops.\n\nGEORGE\nIt's Moops.\n\nBUBBLE BOY\nMoors!\n\nGEORGE\nMoops!\n\nGEORGE\nHelp! Someone!\n\nBUBBLE BOY\nThere's no Moops, you idiot.\n\nSUSAN\nStop it! Let go of him!\n\nMRS. SANGER\nDonald, stop it. No. Donald, stop it.\n\n(Back to the court)\n\nGEORGE\nIt was Moops.\n\nBUBBLE BOY\nMoors.\n\nthe lady Kramer gave a defective wheelchair\nto in \"The Handicapped Spot\")\n\nHOYT\nSo Mr. Costanza parked in a handicapped\nspot, and as a result you got in an\naccident, and your wheelchair was destroyed?\n\nLADY\nThat's right.\n\nHOYT\nAnd then Mr. Kramer gave you a used\nwheelchair?\n\nLADY\nThat's right.\n\n(Scene showing lady screaming going out of control down hill\nin her wheelchair.)\n\nDr. Wilcox, the doctor on duty when\nSusan died)\n\nHOYT\nSo you were the doctor on duty the night\nSusan Ross died?\n\nWILCOX\nYes, that's right. It was May 16, 1996.\nI'll never forget it.\n\nHOYT\nSo you broke the news to Mr. Costanza?\nCould you tell the court, please, what\nhis reaction was?\n\nWILCOX\nI would describe it as restrained jubilation.\n\nMR. ROSS\nMurderer!\n\nMRS. ROSS\nHe killed our daughter! He knew those\nenvelopes were toxic!\n\nVANDELAY\nOrder in this court!\n\nHOYT\nCall Sidra Holland to the stand.\n\nCHILES\nWhew! Look at this one, she fine. You\ndated her?\n\nHOYT\nSo you met Jerry Seinfeld in a health\nclub sometime in 1993?\n\nSIDRA\nYes.\n\nHOYT\nAnd you also met Miss Benes in that\nsame health club?\n\nSIDRA\nYes, that's true.\n\nHOYT\nWould you describe the circumstances\nof that meeting.\n\nSIDRA\nWe were in the sauna, making chit-chat.\n\n(Scene from past episode, \"The Implant\")\n\nSIDRA\nYou know, I've seen you around the club.\nMy name's Sidra. This is Marcie.\n\nELAINE\nOh, hi, I'm Elaine.\n\n(Back in the courtroom)\n\nHOYT\nSo, she pretended to trip, and she fell\ninto your breasts?\n\nSIDRA\nYes.\n\nHOYT\nWhy would she do something like that?\n\nSIDRA\nBecause he sent her in there to find\nout if they were real.\n\nJoe Bookman, library cop)\n\nHOYT\nState your name.\n\nBOOKMAN\nBookman, Joe Bookman.\n\nHOYT\nAnd what's your occupation?\n\nBOOKMAN\nI'm a library cop.\n\nHOYT\nWhat does a library cop do?\n\nBOOKMAN\nWe chase down library delinquents.\n\nHOYT\nAnyone in this room ever delinquent?\n\nBOOKMAN\nYeah, he was. Right over there - Seinfeld.\n\nHOYT\nHow long was his book overdue?\n\nBOOKMAN\n25 years. We don't call them delinquent\nafter that long.\n\nHOYT\nWhat do you call them?\n\nBOOKMAN\nCriminals.\n\nGeorge's old girlfriend)\n\nHOYT\nSo you and Mr. Costanza were dating.\n\nWOMAN\nYes.\n\nHOYT\nAnd then what happened?\n\nWOMAN\nWell, I invited him to attend my son's\nbirthday party and -\n\n(Scene from past episode, \"The Fire\")\n\nGEORGE\nFire! Get out of the way!\n\n(Back to the courtroom)\n\nparking lot security guard)\n\nGUARD\nAt the time, I was employed as a security\nguard in the parking lot at the Garden\nValley Shopping Mall.\n\n(Scene from past episode, \"The Parking Garage\")\n\nJERRY\nWhy would I do it unless I was in mortal\ndanger? I know it's against the law.\n\nGUARD\nI don't know.\n\nJERRY\nBecause I could get uromycitisis poisoning\nand die - that's why.\n\n(Back to the courtroom)\n\nHOYT\nUromycitisis! I wonder if they're having\nany trouble controlling themselves during\nthis trial? Perhaps these two\n\nhooligans would like to have a pee party right here in the courtroom!\n\nCHILES\nObjection, Your Honor! This is completely\ninappropriate! My clients' medical condition\nis not on trial here!\n\nI refer you to the Disability Act of 1990.\n\nVANDELAY\nSit down, Mr. Chiles.\n\nPolice Detective)\n\nHOYT\nAlright, Detective, then what happened?\n\nDETECTIVE\nWe got a tip that a lot of prostitutes\nhad been turning tricks in the parking\nlot.\n\n(Scene from past episode, \"The Wig Master\")\n\nPRO\nYou just cost me some money.\n\nKRAMER\nCool it, lady. Cool it. Cool it, lady.\nCool it.\n\nPOLICE\nPolice officers - freeze right there!\n\n(Back to the courtroom)\n\nHOYT\nSo Cosmo Kramer was, in fact, a pimp.\n\nthe low-talker)\n\nHOYT\nSo you asked Mr. Seinfeld if he would\nwear your puffy shirt on the Today Show?\n\n(Mumble)\n\nHOYT\nExcuse me?\n\nCHILES\nUh, excuse me, Your Honor, but what\nis the point of this testimony? This\nwoman's a low-talker. I can't hear\n\na word she's saying. So either get some other kind of microphone\nup there, or let's move on.\n\nGeorge Steinbrenner)\n\nHOYT\nCall George Steinbrenner to the stand.\n\nBAILIFF\nCall George Steinbrenner.\n\nHOYT\nSo George Costanza came to work for\nyou in May of 1994?\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nYes, that's right, he was good kid -\na lovely boy. Shared his calzone with\nme - that was a heck of a sandwich,\nwasn't it, Georgie?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, sir, that was a good sandwich,\nsir.\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nHe had one little problem though.\n\nHOYT\nWhat was that?\n\nSTEINBRENNER\nHe was a communist. Thick as they come.\nLike a big juicy steak.\n\nFRANK\nHow could you give twelve million dollars\nto Hideki Irabu?!\n\nVANDELEY\nOrder!\n\nMan from \"The Little Jerry\")\n\nHOYT\nCock fighting?\n\nWITNESS\nCock fighting.\n\nPharmacist from \"The Sponge\")\n\nPHARMACIST\nSponges. I don't mean the kind you clean\nyour tub with. They're for sex. Said\nshe needed a whole case of\n\nthem.\n\nElaine's old boyfriend)\n\nMAN\nShe exposed her nipple.\n\nMr. Pitt from \"The Diplomat's Club\")\n\nHOYT\nHow did she try to kill you?\n\nPITT\nShe tried to smother me with a pillow.\n\nHOYT\nCall Yev Kassem to the stand.\n\nBAILIFF\nCall Yev Kassem.\n\nJERRY\nWho?\n\nELAINE\nThe Soup Nazi!\n\nCHILES\nSoup Nazi? You people have a little\npet name for everybody.\n\nHOYT\nState your name.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nYev Kassem.\n\nHOYT\nCould you spell that?\n\nSOUP NAZI\nNo! Next question.\n\nHOYT\nHow do you know the defendants?\n\nSOUP NAZI\nThey used to come to my restaurant.\n\n(Scene from past episode, \"The Soup Nazi\")\n\nGEORGE\nMedium turkey chili.\n\nJERRY\nMedium crab bisque.\n\nGEORGE\nI didn't get any bread.\n\nJERRY\nJust forget it. Let it go.\n\nGEORGE\nUm, excuse me, I think you forgot my\nbread.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nYou want bread?\n\nGEORGE\nYes, please.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nThree dollars!\n\nGEORGE\nWhat?\n\nSOUP NAZI\nNo soup for you!\n\n(Back in the courtroom)\n\nSOUP NAZI\nBut the idiot clowns did not know how\nto order. I banned that one - the woman\n- for a year. Then one day,\n\nshe came back.\n\n(Back to the \"Soup Nazi\" episode)\n\nELAINE\nFive cups chopped porcini mushrooms.\nHalf a cup of olive oil. Three pounds\ncelery.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nThat's my recipe for wild mushroom.\n\nELAINE\nYou're through, Soup Nazi. Pack it up.\nNo more soup for you. Next!\n\n(Back in the courtroom)\n\nSOUP NAZI\nShe published my recipes. I had to close\nthe store, move to Argentina. She ruined\nmy business!\n\nELAINE\nSoup's not all that good anyway.\n\nSOUP NAZI\nWhat did you say?!\n\nHOYT\nThe state calls Mr. Babu Bhatt to the\nstand.\n\nJERRY\nHow did they find Babu?\n\nELAINE\nI thought he was deported.\n\nHOYT\nYou came a long way to be here today,\nhaven't you?\n\nBABU\nYes, all the way from Pakistan.\n\nHOYT\nAnd what's your connection to the defendant?\n\nBABU\nI owned a restaurant. Seinfeld told\nme to change the menu to Pakistani.\nBut nobody came! There were no people.\n\nHOYT\nAnd then what happened?\n\nBABU\nThen, he got me an apartment in his\nbuilding. But they mixed up the mail.\nAnd I never got my immigration renewal\npapers. So they deported me. It's all\nhis fault. Him. And the woman. But they\ndid not care. They're totally indifferent.\nAll they do is mock me, just like they\ndid the fat fellow. All the time. Mocking,\nmocking, mocking, mocking, mocking.\nAll the time! Now it is Babu's turn\nto mock. Finally I will have some justice.\nSend them away! Send them all away!\nLock them up forever! They are not human.\nVery bad! Very, very, very bad!\n\n(Rivera Live)\n\nRIVERA\nHi everybody, I'm Geraldo Rivera and\nwelcome to this special edition of Rivera\nLive. Well, arguments in the\n\nGood Samaritan trial ended today. The jury has been in deliberation\nfor four and a half hours now. Let's go live to\n\nJane Wells who is in Latham, Massachusetts, covering this trial\nfor us. Jane -\n\nWELLS\nGeraldo, just a few minutes ago, the\njury asked to see the video tape.\n\nRIVERA\nThat's the one where they are overheard\nmaking sarcastic remarks during the\nrobbery.\n\nWELLS\nYes, it's a very incriminating piece\nof evidence. But I must tell you, Geraldo,\nthis courtroom and everyone who has\nattended this trial is still reeling\nfrom the endless parade of witness who\nhave come forth so enthusiastically\nto testify against these four seemingly\nordinary people. One even had the feeling\nthat if Judge Vandelay didn't finally\nput a stop to it, it could've gone on\nfor months.\n\nRIVERA\nJane, whose testimony do you think resonated\nmost strongly with this jury?\n\nWELLS\nThat is so hard to say. Certainly there's\nthe doctor with the poison invitations.\nThe Bubble Boy was an extremely sympathetic\nand tragic figure. And that bizarre\ncontest certainly didn't sit well with\nthis small town jury.There's the woman\nthey sold the defective wheelchair to,\nthe deported Pakistani restaurateur.\nGeraldo, it just went on,\n\nand on, and on, into the night.\n\nRIVERA\nAnd so we wait.\n\n(The group, waiting for the jury to decide)\n\nJERRY\nDo they make you wear uniforms in prison?\n\nELAINE\nI think so.\n\nJERRY\nIt's not that bright orange one is it?\n\nELAINE\nI hope it's not that one, because I\ncannot wear orange.\n\nKRAMER\nWill you stop worrying? Jackie's going\nto get us off. He never loses. How about\nwhen he asked that cop\n\nif a black man had ever been to his house. Did you see the look\non his face?\n\n(George's mother, Estelle, tries to butter up Judge Vandelay)\n\nESTELLE\nSorry to bother you, Judge.\n\nVANDELAY\nHow did you get in here?\n\nESTELLE\nPlease, if he's found guilty, please\nbe kind to him. He's a good boy.\n\nVANDELAY\nThis is highly irregular.\n\nESTELLE\nWell, maybe there's something I can\ndo for you.\n\nVANDELAY\nWhat do you mean?\n\nESTELLE\nYou know\n\n(Witnesses waiting in pool hall, at restaurant, etc. Mr. Ross\nbuys a gun.)\n\n(Sidra Holland and Jackie Chiles are in bed)\n\nSIDRA\nOh, Jackie, you're so articulate.\n\nJACKIE\nWe have plenty of time, too. This jury\ncould be out for days.\n\n(Phone rings)\n\nJACKIE\nHello? Damn. They're ready.\n\n(Back in the courtroom)\n\nJERRY\nHey Elaine, what was it you were about\nto say to me on the plane when it was\ngoing down?\n\nELAINE\nI've always loved ... United Airlines.\n\n(Jury reenters the courtroom)\n\nKRAMER\nI think it's going to be okay - that\ngirl just smiled at me.\n\nJERRY\nMaybe because she knows you're going\nto jail.\n\nBAILIFF\nAll rise.\n\nVANDELAY\nLadies and gentlemen of the jury, have\nyou reached a verdict?\n\nFOREMAN\nWe have, Your Honor.\n\nVANDELAY\nWill the defendants please rise. And\nhow do you find, with respect to the\ncharge of criminal indifference?\n\nFOREMAN\nWe find the defendants - guilty.\n\nVANDELAY\nOrder! Order in this court, I will clear\nthis room! I do not know how, or under\nwhat circumstances the four of you found\neach other, but your callous indifference\nand utter disregard for everything that\nis good and decent has rocked the very\nfoundation upon which our society is\nbuilt. I can think of nothing more fitting\nthan for the four of youto spend a year\nremoved from society so that you can\ncontemplate the manner in which you\nhave conducted yourselves.\n\nI know I will. This court is adjourned.\n\n(Exit Judge Vandelay)\n\nGEORGE\nYou had to hop! You had to hop on the\nplane.\n\nELAINE\nPuddy, don't wait for me.\n\nPUDDY\nAlright.\n\nFRANK\nWe gotta get out of here. We want to\nbeat the traffic.\n\nSIDRA\nCome on, Jackie. Let's go.\n\nJERRY\nWhat?\n\nCHILES\nOh, and by the way, they're real, and\nthey're spectacular.\n\n(The group, walking back to the holding cell)\n\nJERRY\nWell, it's only a year. That's not so\nbad. We'll be out in a year, and then\nwe'll be back\n\nKRAMER\nCould be fun. Don't have to worry about\nyour meals, or what you're going to\ndo Saturday night. And they do shows.\nYeah, we could put on a show - maybe\n\"Bye Bye Birdie\" or \"My Fair Lady\".\nElaine, you could be Liza Doolittle.\n\nELAINE\nWhy don't you just blow it out your...\n\n(They enter the cell)\n\nELAINE\nIf I call Jill from prison, do you think\nthat would make up for the other ones?\n\nJERRY\nSure.\n\nELAINE\nCause you only get one call. The prison\ncall is like the king of calls.\n\nJERRY\nI think that would be a very nice gesture.\n\nKRAMER\nI got it - it's out! How about that,\nhuh? Oh, boy, what a relief.\n\nJERRY\nSee now, to me, that button is in the\nworst possible spot.\n\nGEORGE\nReally?\n\nJERRY\nOh yeah. The second button is the key\nbutton. It literally makes or breaks\nthe shirt. Look at it, it's\n\ntoo high, it's in no-man's land.\n\nGEORGE\nHaven't we had this conversation before?\n\nJERRY\nYou think?\n\nGEORGE\nI think we have.\n\nJERRY\nYeah, maybe we have.\n\n(Epilogue, on stage in the prison)\n\nJERRY\nSo what is the deal with the yard? I\nmean when I was a kid my mother wanted\nme to play in the yard. But of\n\ncourse she didn't have to worry about my next door neighbor Tommy\nsticking a shiv in my thigh. And what's with the lockdown? Why\ndo we have to be locked in our cells? Are we that bad that we\nhave to be sent to prison, in prison?\n\nYou would think the weightlifting and the sodomy is enough. So,\nanyone from Cellblock D?\n\nPRISONER 1\nI am.\n\nJERRY\nI'll talk slower. I'm kidding - I love\nCellblock D. My friend George is in\nCellblock D. What are you in for,sir?\n\nPRISONER 2\nMurder one.\n\nJERRY\nMurder one? Oooooo, watch out everybody.\nBetter be nice to you. I'm only kidding\nsir - lighten up. How about\n\nyou, what are you in for?\n\nPRISONER 3\nGrand theft auto.\n\nJERRY\nGrand theft auto - don't steal any of\nmy jokes.\n\nPRISONER 3\nYou suck - I'm gonna cut you.\n\nJERRY\nHey, I don't come down to where you\nwork, and knock the license plate out\nof your hand.\n\nGUARD\nAlright, Seinfeld, that's it. Let's\ngo. Come on.\n\nJERRY\nAlright, hey, you've been great! See\nyou in the cafeteria.\n\nTHE END"
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