SeppeV/example_user_recs · Datasets at Hugging Face

user_recs stringlengths 43 799
Adam: What did one Lego mini figure say to the other? Xavier: I give up. Adam: “You’re such a blockhead.”
Here's my favorite limerick. There once was a man from Nantuckett Whose dick was so long he could suck it Wiping cum from his chin He said with a grin If my ear was a pussy, I'd fuck it!
2 sheep are standing in a meadow... One turns to the other and says "Baaa-aaa-aaa-aaaa". the other looks at him and says "...I was just gonna say that."
My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I'd start lying to my wife.
I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun. I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
Mathias: What did the Dalmatian say after lunch? Jenny: What? Mathias: “That hit the spot.”
Seth: What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet? Jake: Tell me. Seth: A “plane in the neck.”
Why did no one in the King's court laugh when the king farted? Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.
eBay is so useless I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 18,061 matches
My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!" I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
Did you hear the submarine construction business closed down? Shame they went under
I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!! “I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.
ALEX: Did you hear about the witch’s new gingerbread sweet shop? PHIL: No. What about it? ALEX: It’s great! All the candy is on the house.
My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. “You’re coming home now!” she screamed. “No, I’m not,” I laughed. She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he got asked to play in a film about classic composers? I'll be Bach.
Did you hear about the hockey game where all the players had leprosy? There was a face off in the corner.
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women
Gideon: What did one plate say to the other plate? Herb: What? Gideon: “Lunch is on me!”
A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "You know if you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick I wouldn't have to listen to that tapping." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the fucking bus.
So I was in the movie theatre... and I was watching an incredibly sad film. So sad that the man behind me started wailing, then he hit me in the head with a harpoon.
guy: my dog just died girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
BODEN: What did the fast tomato say to the slow tomato? BEAU: No idea. BODEN: “Ketchup!”
What did the Indian tailor say to the patron who came in naked? "What sarong with you?"
Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined. I can’t deal with high maintenance women.
What's the smallest organ in a goat? An ISIS member's penis.
What does necrophilia and alcoholism have in common? The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.
I was tucking my son in last night, and he tells me that his teacher is "an idiot" and she's "out to get him." Which is just the last thing you want to hear when your kid's home schooled.
Timmy: What did the daddy buﬀalo say to its son before it left for school? Bob: Beats me. Timmy: “Bison.”
What does gay mean? asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" the father answered. "Oh," replied the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
Police Officer Joke Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?" Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."
Pranesh: A man asked me to help him check his balance at the bank today. Bobby: What did you do? Pranesh: I pushed him over.
I went to go see the Vagina Monologues... I went to go see the Vagina Monologues/And all I got was a yeast infection.
Guy walks into a bar and asks for a "Lindsay Lohan shot"... Bartender asks "What is that?" He replies with "Oh you know, A redheaded-slut with a splash of coke."
I was having sex with a woman when her husband came home early. She told me to use the back door and I'd have to be quick. In retrospect I should have just left, but it's not every day you get an offer like that.
There's this band called one thousand and twenty three megabytes They haven't had any gigs yet.
My drug test came back negative. My drug dealer has some explaining to do.
Did you hear about the blonde who missed the 44 bus? She took the 22 twice instead.
A teen walked into a store to buy curtains and said, “I want those curtains over there to fit my computer screen.” “Computers don’t need curtains,” said the salesman. “Hello,” the teen said. “I have Windows.”
A man is in a car wreck and is rushed to the ER. When he wakes up he tells the doctor: "I can't feel my legs!!!" The doctor replies: "I know, I cut your arms off."
For every upvote this gets, my girlfriend and I will try one thrust of anal sex. Please don't upvote. Her strap-on is huge.
What do you say to a soldier who doesn't turn up for Camouflage training? Well done.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar... The first orders a beer... The second orders half a beer... The third orders one quarter of a beer... The fourth orders one eighth of a beer... The bartender pours two beers for the entire group, and replies "cmon guys, know your limits."
A man came to my door today, and asked if I would donate to building the community pool So I gave him a glass of water
Miles: What did the football coach say to the vending machine? Niles: I don’t know. Miles: “Give me my quarterback.”
What did the cat say to the banana? Banana. .. What did the cow say to the banana? Banana. .. What did the goat say to the banana? Baaah- nothing. Goats can't talk.
How to spell "me" A man walks up to a woman and asks her to spell the word "ME" for him. She says, "M-E". The man says, "But you forgot the D!" "But there's no "D" in "ME"!" He says, "Not yet.."
What does the word 'gay' mean? asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
what did one astronomer say to another astronomer about his obsessed girlfriend Man, she is already inside my event horizon.
A West Virginia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-79. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, " 'Bout whut?"
We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face. I have no idea who let her into my office.
KEVIN: What did the traffic light say to the other traffic light? TOMMY: Tell me. KEVIN: “Don’t look — I’m changing.”
Seena: Why did the gum cross the road? Jerod: Why? Seena: It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her "First offender?" She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."
My mom just told me this one Mom: did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband?!? Me: really? Who? Mom: I can't remember her name, it was Reese something... Me: Witherspoon? Mom: no, with her knife
Evan: Why did the dog cross the road twice? Cullen: I don’t know. Evan: It was trying to fetch a boomerang.
I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion. Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.
My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!" I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.
"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket." "I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yoghurt." "It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."
My boss: “You’re fired.” Me: turns in gun and badge My boss: “You’re a waiter where did you get those”
A mormon was having an affair with a 15 year old girl who had lied about her age, when he learned the truth he broke it off and over the next few week guilt set in and he confessed to his wife. She screamed at him, "How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?".
A joke my 4 year old came up with today... Him: "What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?" Me: "I dunno, what?" Him (loudly): "An elephant sticking his trunk up!"
I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...
Had sex with my girlfriend a few days ago.[NSWF] She told me to turn the light off and stick it in her butt. I guess I should've waited for the bulb to cool down first.
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!" The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!" The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I smell is MOLASSES!"
My girlfriend said if this get 100 upvotes , we'll try anal. So please don't vote, her strap-on is huge and it really scares me.
I was walking past the supermarket when I saw a sign saying, "All items: a third off." I bought a dozen eggs but unfortunately 4 of them were bad.
A father buys a lie detector A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother. Robot for sale.
The year is 2028 and r/jokes is going strong... A new user gets on to r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28" The second most upvoted joke says "3915" The third most upvoted joke says "756" He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers" The admin replies "You must be new here. r/jokes has been around for so long, we've seen every joke, so we just refer to them by numbers now" The new user wants to get a few upvotes so writes "504,323" When he checks his account the next day his joke is the top post on reddit and the most upvoted r/jokes thread of the last 10 years. He messages the admin "What happened?" The admin replies "Nobody had heard that one before"
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion. He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
Girl: do you have a condom? Me: c'mon what's the worst that could happen *hears a knock on the door 4: daddy I think I started a fire
IAN: What did the detective say about the mystery of the deep hole? MIKE: I haven’t the foggiest. IAN: “I’ll get to the bottom of this.”
Roger Federer was doing an interview... ... when the interviewer asked him how he felt about his countries flag being displayed by so many of his fans in the arena he replied "Well, it's a big plus"
What did one saggy boob say to the other? We better perk up or somebody is going to think were nuts.
SANTANA: Why did the student eat his homework? SAMMY: Why? SANTANA: The teacher told him it was a piece of cake.
Philip: What did one slice of bread say to the other? Elva: What? Philip: "Stop loafing around!"
My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave. But first I filtered it through my kidneys.
NATE: A teacher caught a student passing notes in class, but the student didn’t get in trouble. CALEB: Why not? NATE: It was music class.
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace." He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
Matthew: Want to hear a construction joke? Chet: OK. Matthew: Never mind. It still needs some work.
My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass. After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again. I guess the bulb was hot.
What did the orphan say when the orphanage burned down? Nothing. He just laughed.
I went to the store and asked for a one handed sailor... he said sorry, "I'm a wholesaler."
Just came back from holiday in Thailand.... .......and I was so close to shagging a lady boy!! Looked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady........ It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage in one try I thought to myself, "Hang on a fucking moment..."
Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?" Bartender says "Three feet tall." Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"
Guy is taking a super loud dump in the toy. So I kick in the stall door and yell, "Fuck you, man who is shitting!" I kick in the stall door and yell, "Fuck you, man who is shitting!"
Zach: What did the dime say to the nickel after it told a bad joke? Sarah: I don’t know. Zach: “That didn’t make cents.”
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him. But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
I heard it took at least two elephants to make the keys on my antique piano I had no idea they were capable of such delicate work.
PHILLIP: Why did the beluga have to go to the doctor? COLE: Tell me. PHILLIP: It didn’t feel too whale.
My neighbor knocked on my door at 3am Can you believe that? 3 in the morning, but luckily i was still up playing the drums.
Damian: Why did the chicken cross the playground? Carl: Why? Damian: To get to the other slide.
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.” He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
Sorry I stuck a cheese puff in your baby's mouth when you couldn't find a pacifier.
My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old. Until she checked the freezer.
A man runs out of petrol A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window. "What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee. "I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. \`"Try it now,'' said the bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow,'' the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank?'' "BP,'' answered the bee.
Police Chief: Why did you tie a rope on that criminal? Officer: You ordered me to get a line on the suspect.
Sal: Did you hear about the musician who got arrested? Jim: No. What happened? Sal: He got into some serious treble.
Ben: Did you hear about the eyeglass maker who got caught in his machine? Henry: What happened? Ben: He made a spectacle of himself.
Watson walks in on Sherlock having sex Watson walks in on Sherlock having sex with a younger looking girl "Bloody hell, Sherlock! What'd you think you're doing bangin' that chick. She looks like she's in highschool" Sherlock replied, "Elementary, my dear Watson"

Adam: What did one Lego mini figure say to the other? Xavier: I give up. Adam: “You’re such a blockhead.”

Here's my favorite limerick. There once was a man from Nantuckett Whose dick was so long he could suck it Wiping cum from his chin He said with a grin If my ear was a pussy, I'd fuck it!

2 sheep are standing in a meadow... One turns to the other and says "Baaa-aaa-aaa-aaaa". the other looks at him and says "...I was just gonna say that."

My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I'd start lying to my wife.

I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun. I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

Mathias: What did the Dalmatian say after lunch? Jenny: What? Mathias: “That hit the spot.”

Seth: What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet? Jake: Tell me. Seth: A “plane in the neck.”

Why did no one in the King's court laugh when the king farted? Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.

eBay is so useless I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 18,061 matches

My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!" I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

Did you hear the submarine construction business closed down? Shame they went under

I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!! “I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.

ALEX: Did you hear about the witch’s new gingerbread sweet shop? PHIL: No. What about it? ALEX: It’s great! All the candy is on the house.

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. “You’re coming home now!” she screamed. “No, I’m not,” I laughed. She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he got asked to play in a film about classic composers? I'll be Bach.

Did you hear about the hockey game where all the players had leprosy? There was a face off in the corner.

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

Gideon: What did one plate say to the other plate? Herb: What? Gideon: “Lunch is on me!”

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "You know if you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick I wouldn't have to listen to that tapping." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the fucking bus.

So I was in the movie theatre... and I was watching an incredibly sad film. So sad that the man behind me started wailing, then he hit me in the head with a harpoon.

guy: my dog just died girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog

BODEN: What did the fast tomato say to the slow tomato? BEAU: No idea. BODEN: “Ketchup!”

What did the Indian tailor say to the patron who came in naked? "What sarong with you?"

Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined. I can’t deal with high maintenance women.

What's the smallest organ in a goat? An ISIS member's penis.

What does necrophilia and alcoholism have in common? The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.

I was tucking my son in last night, and he tells me that his teacher is "an idiot" and she's "out to get him." Which is just the last thing you want to hear when your kid's home schooled.

Timmy: What did the daddy buﬀalo say to its son before it left for school? Bob: Beats me. Timmy: “Bison.”

What does gay mean? asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" the father answered. "Oh," replied the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."

Police Officer Joke Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?" Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."

Pranesh: A man asked me to help him check his balance at the bank today. Bobby: What did you do? Pranesh: I pushed him over.

I went to go see the Vagina Monologues... I went to go see the Vagina Monologues/And all I got was a yeast infection.

Guy walks into a bar and asks for a "Lindsay Lohan shot"... Bartender asks "What is that?" He replies with "Oh you know, A redheaded-slut with a splash of coke."

I was having sex with a woman when her husband came home early. She told me to use the back door and I'd have to be quick. In retrospect I should have just left, but it's not every day you get an offer like that.

There's this band called one thousand and twenty three megabytes They haven't had any gigs yet.

My drug test came back negative. My drug dealer has some explaining to do.

Did you hear about the blonde who missed the 44 bus? She took the 22 twice instead.

A teen walked into a store to buy curtains and said, “I want those curtains over there to fit my computer screen.” “Computers don’t need curtains,” said the salesman. “Hello,” the teen said. “I have Windows.”

A man is in a car wreck and is rushed to the ER. When he wakes up he tells the doctor: "I can't feel my legs!!!" The doctor replies: "I know, I cut your arms off."

For every upvote this gets, my girlfriend and I will try one thrust of anal sex. Please don't upvote. Her strap-on is huge.

What do you say to a soldier who doesn't turn up for Camouflage training? Well done.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar... The first orders a beer... The second orders half a beer... The third orders one quarter of a beer... The fourth orders one eighth of a beer... The bartender pours two beers for the entire group, and replies "cmon guys, know your limits."

A man came to my door today, and asked if I would donate to building the community pool So I gave him a glass of water

Miles: What did the football coach say to the vending machine? Niles: I don’t know. Miles: “Give me my quarterback.”

What did the cat say to the banana? Banana. .. What did the cow say to the banana? Banana. .. What did the goat say to the banana? Baaah- nothing. Goats can't talk.

How to spell "me" A man walks up to a woman and asks her to spell the word "ME" for him. She says, "M-E". The man says, "But you forgot the D!" "But there's no "D" in "ME"!" He says, "Not yet.."

What does the word 'gay' mean? asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."

what did one astronomer say to another astronomer about his obsessed girlfriend Man, she is already inside my event horizon.

A West Virginia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-79. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, " 'Bout whut?"

We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face. I have no idea who let her into my office.

KEVIN: What did the traffic light say to the other traffic light? TOMMY: Tell me. KEVIN: “Don’t look — I’m changing.”

Seena: Why did the gum cross the road? Jerod: Why? Seena: It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her "First offender?" She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

My mom just told me this one Mom: did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband?!? Me: really? Who? Mom: I can't remember her name, it was Reese something... Me: Witherspoon? Mom: no, with her knife

Evan: Why did the dog cross the road twice? Cullen: I don’t know. Evan: It was trying to fetch a boomerang.

I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion. Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.

My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!" I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.

"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket." "I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yoghurt." "It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."

My boss: “You’re fired.” Me: *turns in gun and badge* My boss: “You’re a waiter where did you get those”

A mormon was having an affair with a 15 year old girl who had lied about her age, when he learned the truth he broke it off and over the next few week guilt set in and he confessed to his wife. She screamed at him, "How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?".

A joke my 4 year old came up with today... Him: "What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?" Me: "I dunno, what?" Him (loudly): "An elephant sticking his trunk up!"

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...

Had sex with my girlfriend a few days ago.[NSWF] She told me to turn the light off and stick it in her butt. I guess I should've waited for the bulb to cool down first.

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!" The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!" The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I smell is MOLASSES!"

My girlfriend said if this get 100 upvotes , we'll try anal. So please don't vote, her strap-on is huge and it really scares me.

I was walking past the supermarket when I saw a sign saying, "All items: a third off." I bought a dozen eggs but unfortunately 4 of them were bad.

A father buys a lie detector A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother. Robot for sale.

The year is 2028 and r/jokes is going strong... A new user gets on to r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28" The second most upvoted joke says "3915" The third most upvoted joke says "756" He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers" The admin replies "You must be new here. r/jokes has been around for so long, we've seen every joke, so we just refer to them by numbers now" The new user wants to get a few upvotes so writes "504,323" When he checks his account the next day his joke is the top post on reddit and the most upvoted r/jokes thread of the last 10 years. He messages the admin "What happened?" The admin replies "Nobody had heard that one before"

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion. He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

Girl: do you have a condom? Me: c'mon what's the worst that could happen *hears a knock on the door 4: daddy I think I started a fire

IAN: What did the detective say about the mystery of the deep hole? MIKE: I haven’t the foggiest. IAN: “I’ll get to the bottom of this.”

Roger Federer was doing an interview... ... when the interviewer asked him how he felt about his countries flag being displayed by so many of his fans in the arena he replied "Well, it's a big plus"

What did one saggy boob say to the other? We better perk up or somebody is going to think were nuts.

SANTANA: Why did the student eat his homework? SAMMY: Why? SANTANA: The teacher told him it was a piece of cake.

Philip: What did one slice of bread say to the other? Elva: What? Philip: "Stop loafing around!"

My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave. But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

NATE: A teacher caught a student passing notes in class, but the student didn’t get in trouble. CALEB: Why not? NATE: It was music class.

I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace." He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

Matthew: Want to hear a construction joke? Chet: OK. Matthew: Never mind. It still needs some work.

My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass. After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again. I guess the bulb was hot.

What did the orphan say when the orphanage burned down? Nothing. He just laughed.

I went to the store and asked for a one handed sailor... he said sorry, "I'm a wholesaler."

Just came back from holiday in Thailand.... .......and I was so close to shagging a lady boy!! Looked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady........ It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage in one try I thought to myself, "Hang on a fucking moment..."

Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?" Bartender says "Three feet tall." Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"

Guy is taking a super loud dump in the toy. So I kick in the stall door and yell, "Fuck you, man who is shitting!" I kick in the stall door and yell, "Fuck you, man who is shitting!"

Zach: What did the dime say to the nickel after it told a bad joke? Sarah: I don’t know. Zach: “That didn’t make cents.”

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him. But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

I heard it took at least two elephants to make the keys on my antique piano I had no idea they were capable of such delicate work.

PHILLIP: Why did the beluga have to go to the doctor? COLE: Tell me. PHILLIP: It didn’t feel too whale.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 3am Can you believe that? 3 in the morning, but luckily i was still up playing the drums.

Damian: Why did the chicken cross the playground? Carl: Why? Damian: To get to the other slide.

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.” He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

Sorry I stuck a cheese puff in your baby's mouth when you couldn't find a pacifier.

My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old. Until she checked the freezer.

A man runs out of petrol A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window. "What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee. "I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. \`"Try it now,'' said the bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow,'' the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank?'' "BP,'' answered the bee.

Police Chief: Why did you tie a rope on that criminal? Officer: You ordered me to get a line on the suspect.

Sal: Did you hear about the musician who got arrested? Jim: No. What happened? Sal: He got into some serious treble.

Ben: Did you hear about the eyeglass maker who got caught in his machine? Henry: What happened? Ben: He made a spectacle of himself.

Watson walks in on Sherlock having sex Watson walks in on Sherlock having sex with a younger looking girl "Bloody hell, Sherlock! What'd you think you're doing bangin' that chick. She looks like she's in highschool" Sherlock replied, "Elementary, my dear Watson"