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S01E01. Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire.json

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+  "text": "Oh, careful, huh? There's no point in being careful. We're late. I'm sorry. Excuse me. Pardon me. Hey, Norman. How's it going? So you got dragged down here too? Hey, Norman, how's it going? So you got dragged down here too, huh? How you doing, Fred? Yeah. Excuse me, Fred. Pardon my galoshes. Wasn't that wonderful? And now, Santas of many lands, as presented by the entire second grade class. Oh, Lisa's class.\n\nFelice Weihnachten. That's German for Merry Christmas. In Germany, Santa's servant Ruprecht gives presents to good children and whipping rods to the parents of bad ones. Merry Kuromatsu. I am Hotsuyoshi, a Japanese priest who acts like Santa Claus. I have eyes in the back of my head so children better behave when I'm nearby. Now presenting Lisa Simpson as Tawanga, the Santa Claus of the South Seas.\n\nOh, it's Lisa. That's all right. The fourth grade will now favor us with a melody, medley of holiday flavorants. ♪ Rapping all the way, ha ha ha, bells on a bobtail ring ♪ ♪ Making chariots cry ♪ Isn't Bart sweet, Homer? He sings like an angel. ♪ Like a light, a light, a light ♪ Oh! ♪ Jingle bells, batman smells, robin lays an egg ♪ ♪ The batmobile broke its wheel, the joker got a wha-ah! ♪ ♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way ♪ will now favor us with a scene from Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol.\n\nOh, how many grades does this school have? Dear friends of the Simpson family, we had some sadness and some gladness this year. First the sadness. Our little cat Snowball was unexpectedly run over and went to kitty heaven. But we bought a new little cat, Snowball, too. So I guess life goes on. too so i guess life goes on speaking of life going on grandpa is still with us feisty as ever maggie is walking by herself lisa got straight a's and bart well we love bart the magic of the season has touched us all march haven't you finished that stupid letter yet homer sends his love happy holidays the simpsons where's the extension cord for heaven's sakes homer it's in the utility Where's the extension cord?\n\nFor heaven's sakes, Homer, it's in the utility drawer. Sorry, I'm just a big kid, and I love Christmas so much. Oh, yeah. All right, children, let me have those letters. I'll send them to Santa's workshop at the North Pole. Oh, please. There's only one fat guy that brings us presents, and his name ain't Santa. You've asked for that for the last three years, and I keep telling you Santa can't fit a pony into a sleigh.\n\nCan't you take a hint? But I really want a pony, and I've been really, really good this year. Oh, dear. Maybe Bart is a little more realistic. A tattoo? A what? Yeah, they're cool, and they last the rest of your life. You will not be getting a tattoo for Christmas. Yeah, if you want one, you'll have to pay for it out of your own allowance. All right! Homer! out of your own allowance. - Yellow? - Marge, please.\n\n- Who's this? - May I please speak to Marge? - This is her sister, isn't it? - Is Marge there? - Who shall I say is calling? - Marge, please. - It's your sister. - No! Hello? - Hello, Marge. It's Patty. Selma and I couldn't be more excited about seeing our baby sister for Christmas Eve. - Well, Homer and I are looking forward to your visit, too. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. Somehow I doubt that Homer's excited.\n\nOf all the men you could have married, I don't know why you picked one who's always so rude to us. - - Good one, Dad. Okay, kids, prepare to be dazzled. Marge, turn on the juice! - What do you think, kids? - Nice try, Dad. Just hold your horses, son. Hey, hey, Simpson! What is it, Flanders? Oh, do you think this looks okay? You need a... It's too bright. You're a Flander. Don't be a show-off. Do you want to go Christmas shopping?\n\nI do! All right, the mall! Go get your money. Tell it, Marge. Where have you been hiding the Christmas money? Oh, I have my secrets. Turn around. Close now. Oh, big jar this year. Oh, Bart, that's so sweet. It's the best present a mother could get, and it makes you look so dangerous. One mother, please. Wait a minute. How old are you? 21, sir. Get in the chair. Attention all personnel, please keep working during the following announcement.\n\nAnd now, our boss and friend, Mr. Burns. Hello. I'm proud to announce that we've been able to increase safety here at the plant without increasing the cost to the consumer or the at the plant without increasing the cost to the consumer or affecting management pay raises however for you semi-skilled workers there will be no christmas bonuses oh and one more thing merry christmas oh thank god for the big jar where's that bar But, Mom, I thought you'd like it.\n\nYes, Mrs. Simpson, we can remove your son's tattoo. It's a simple routine involving lasers. Cool. However, it is rather expensive, and we must insist on a cash payment up front. Cash? Thank God for Homer's Christmas bonus. Ay, caramba! bonus. Now whatever you do boy, don't squirm. You don't want to get this sucker near your eyes or groins. Ow, quit it. Hey, what's with this? Used to be a real boss tattoo.\n\nBut mom had to spend all the Christmas money having it surgically removed. It's true! The jar is empty! Oh, my God! We're ruined. Christmas is canceled. No presents for anyone! Don't worry, Homer. We'll just have to stretch your Christmas bonus even further this year. Homer? Oh, yeah, my Christmas bonus. Yeah, my Christmas bonus. How silly of me. This will be the best Christmas yet. The best any family ever had.\n\nHey! I keep asking for it, but... Marge, let me be honest with you. Yes? Well, I would... I want to do the Christmas shopping this year. Sure, okay. Marge, Marge, let's see. Ooh, look, pantyhose. Practical. Practical and alluring. A sick pack. Oh, only $4.99. Ooh, that's a paper. I bet Bart can think of a million things to do with these. That just leaves little Maggie. Oh, look, a little squeak toy.\n\nIt says it for dogs, but she can't read. - Simpson, it's you. - Hello, Flanders. Oh, my, what a little mess we've got here. Well, which ones are yours and which ones are mine? - Well, let's see. - Oh, this one's mine. And this one's mine. This one's mine. And they're all yours. Hey, Mr. Simpson, you dropped your pork chop. Give me that! Well, happy holidays, Simpson. Gee, Dad, this is gonna be the best Christmas ever.\n\nYou bet. What's the matter, Homer? Somebody leave a lump of coal in your stocking? You've been sitting there sucking on a beer all day long. So? So it's Christmas. Thanks, Moe. Drinks all around! What for the crazy getup, Barn? I got me a part-time job working as a sanitar at the mall. Wow. working as a Santa down at the mall. Can I do that? - Well, I don't know. They're pretty selective. - Do you like children?\n\n- What do you mean? All the time? Even when they're nuts? - Hmm. - I certainly do. - Welcome aboard, Simpson. Pending your successful completion of our training program, that is. - Ho, ho, ho! What is it now, Simpson? When do we get paid? Not a dime till Christmas Eve. Now, from the top. Ho, ho, ho! Um, Dasher, Dancer, Francer, Nixon, Comet, Cupid, Donna Dixon. Sit down, Simpson. - Donna Dixon? And what would you like, little boy?\n\n- You're not really Santa, tubby. - Why, you little-- No, no, Homer! If such an emergency arises, you just tell them Santa's very busy this time of year and you're one of his helpers. Oh, I do that one, too. Homer, why are you seven hours late? Not a word, Marshal. I'm heading straight for the tub. Homer, my sisters are here. Don't you want to say hello? are here don't you want to say hello what why oh yeah hello Patty hello Selma how was your trip fine you both look well thank you yeah well Merry Christmas it's Christmas you won't know it around here and why is that well for one thing there's no tree well I was just on my way out to get one - There's no tree.\n\n- Well, I was just on my way out to get one. - Can we go to Dad, can we? - No! Hey, you! What do you think you're doing? Hey, come back here! So, what do you think, kids? Beauty, isn't it? Wow, yay, Dad! Why is there a birdhouse in it? Uh, that's an ornament. Do I smell gunpowder? And then I want some robotoids, and then I want a goop monster, And then I want some robotoids. And then I want a goop monster.\n\nAnd then I want a great big giant... You don't need all that junk. I'm sure you've already got something much more important. A decent home and a loving father who would do anything for you. Hey, I can afford lunch. Give me a bite of that donut. Get a load of that quote-unquote Santa. I can't believe those kids are falling for it. Hey, Milhouse, I dare you to sit on his lap. - Oh, yeah? Well, I dare you to yank his beard off.\n\n- Ah, touche. - I hope you feel better, Santa. - Oh, I will when Mrs. Claus' sisters get out of town. Thanks for listening, kid. - - - Hey, Santa, what's shaking, man? - What's your name, Bart-ner? Uh, little partner? - Well, I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you? - I'm Tally Old St. Nick. - Oh, yeah? We'll just see about that. - Oh! - Shh! Just see about that. Homer. I want a word with you at Santa's workshop, little boy.\n\nCover for me, Alfie. Don't kill me, Dad. I didn't know it was you. Nobody knows. It's a secret. I didn't get my bonus this year, but to keep the family from missing out on Christmas, I'd do anything. I'll say, Dad. You must really love us to sink so low. Now, let's not get mushy, son. I still have a job to do. Hey, little one, Santa's back. Oh, oh, oh! Damn it! Ah, son, one day you're gonna know the satisfaction of payday, receiving a big fat check for a job well done.\n\nSimpson, Homer, here you go. Come on, son. Let's go cash this baby and get presents for 13 bucks. That's right. $120 gross. Less Social Security, less unemployment insurance, less Santa training, less costume purchase, less beard rental, less Christmas club. See you next year. Oh. Come on, Dad. Let's go home. Thirteen bucks? You can't get anything for thirteen bucks. All right. Thirteen big ones. Springfield Downs, here I come.\n\nWhat? I'm going to the dog track. I got a hot little puppy in the fourth waist. Wanna come? Sorry, Barney. I may be a total washout as a father, but I'm not gonna take my kid to a sleazy dog track on Christmas Eve. Come on, Simpson. The dog's name is Whirlwind. Ten to one shot. Money in the bank. Uh-uh. always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's gonna happen to us.\n\nWell, okay, let's go. Who's Tiny Tim? Hey, Moldy, do you think Santa will be able to find Elf County under all this snow? I doubt it, Bubbles. We'll be sad little elves this Christmas. Oh, no! Oh, brother. Where's your husband? Yeah, it's getting late. - Mm-hmm. Said he wasn't caroling with Bart. ♪ We're in the morning ♪ ♪ We're in the morning ♪ ♪ We got a lot of money ♪ ♪ Takes to get along ♪ I can't believe I'm doing this.\n\nCan we open our presents now, Dad? You know the tradition, son. Not till the eighth race. Hey, Barney, which one is whirlwind? Number six. That's our lucky dog right over there. He's won his last five races. What? That scrawny little bag of bones? Come on, Dad. They're all scrawny little bags of bones. Yeah, you're right. I guess we're winners are only hope for a merry Christmas. Attention, racing fans.\n\nWe have a late scratch in the fourth race. Number eight, Sir Galahad, will be replaced by Santa's Little Helper. Once again, Sir Galahad has been replaced by Santa's Little Helper. Hark! Did you hear that? What a name! Santa's Little Helper! It's a sign. It's an omen. It's a coincidence, Dad. What are the odds on Santa's Little Helper? 99 to 1. Whoa! 99 times 13 equals... Merry Christmas! I got a bad feeling about this.\n\nDon't you believe me, son? Ugh. Come on, boy. Sometimes your faith is all that keeps me going. Oh, go for it, Dad. That's my boy! Everything on Santa's Little Helper. Thank you for running. Hip, hip, hooray! Yay! Unadulterated pep. It's almost 9 o'clock. Where is Homer, anyway? It's so typical of the big doofus to spoil at home. What, Aunt Patty? Oh, nothing, dear. I'm just trashing your father. Well, I wish you wouldn't, because aside from the fact that he has the same frailties Come on Bart, kiss the ticket for good luck.\n\nNot that we need it. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on! Go! Go - - It doesn't seem possible, but I guess TV has betrayed me. I don't want to leave till our dog finishes. Ah, forget it. Let's go. - Find any winters, son? - Sorry, Dad. - Hey, hey, Sutton! Why, I tell you, we're all one! Let's go, Daria. Beat it! Scram! Get lost! You came in last for the last time! Look, Dad, it's Santa's little helper.\n\nAnd don't come back! Oh, no, you don't. No, no, get away from me. Uh-uh. Uh-oh. Oh, can we keep him, Dad, please? But he's a loser. He's pathetic. He's... a Simpson. You should call the police. Oh, he'll sober up. Yeah, come staggering home. Mm-hmm. Smelling a cheap perfume. Homer! What? What the-- Hold on. Yeah. - Look, everybody. I have a confession to make. - This should be good. I didn't get my Christmas bonus.\n\nI tried not to let it ruin Christmas for everybody, but no matter what I did-- Hey, everybody! Look what we got! - A dog! All right, Dad! - God bless him. So, love at first sight is? - Possibly. - And if he runs away, he'll be easy to catch. Oh, this is the best gift of all, Homer. It is? Yes, something to share our love and frighten prowlers. What's his name? Number eight. I mean, Santa's a little helper.\n\nRudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it closed. Like a light bulb. Bark! Of the other reindeer, who still have a common name. Spice-na-zola! Lisa! I never let poor Rudolph join in the reindeer game. Like strip poker. I'm warning you, too. Then one foggy Christmas Eve, I'm warning you to- Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to save- Take it, Homer!\n\nUh, Rudolph, get your nose over here, so you can guide my sleigh today. Oh, Homer. Then all the reindeer loved him, and they shouted out with glee, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, you'll go down in history. Like a till of the- Like a till of the hook."
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S01E02. Bart the Genius.json

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+  "text": "The Simpsons Shhhhhhh! *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish* *Squish Come on, Mom.\n\nYeah, Mom, hurry up. All right. How about he? Two points. Hmm, how about... \"he\"? Your turn, dear. Hmm... How could anyone make a word out of these lousy letters? Oh, wait! Here's a good one. \"Do\". - \"Id\". Triple word score. - Hey, no abbreviations. - Not \"id\", Dad. It's a word. - As in, \"this game is stupid\". - Hey, shut up, boy. Yeah, Bart. You're supposed to be developing verbal abilities for your big aptitude test tomorrow.\n\n- We could look this \"id\" thing up in the dictionary. - We got one? - I think it's under the short leg of the couch. - - \"Id,\" along with the ego and the superego, one of three components of the psyche. - Get out of here. - My turn. Quijibo. K-W-Y-J-I-B-O. 22 points, plus triple word score, plus 50 points for using all my letters, Plus triple word score. Plus 50 points for using all my letters. Game's over.\n\nI'm out of here. Wait a minute, you little cheater. You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a quidgeebo is. Quidgeebo. Uh, a big, dumb, balding, North American ape with no chin. And a short temper. I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape. Uh-oh. Quidgeebo on the move. We're gonna sell Swamp Land! You there! No chewing gum on school grounds! In the trash can with it! Principal Skinner, one of my fellow children is vandalizing school property!\n\nOh? Where? Over there, sir! See? Look out, Bart! Here comes Skinner! Yikes! Whoever did this is in very deep trouble. And a sloppy speller, too. The preferred spelling of wiener is w-i-e-n-e-r. Although e-i is an acceptable ethnic variant. Good point. Boys, let's see your hands. Mm-hmm. Good. Okay. Simpson. You might say you caught him red-handed. Simpson, you and I are going to have a little talk.\n\nSame time, same place? Yes, in my office after school. Bart, I hope you won't bear some sort of simple-minded grudge against me. I was merely trying to fend off the desecration of the school building. Eat my shorts. Pardon? No, I don't want you to worry, class. These tests will have no effect on your grades. They merely determine your future social status and financial success. determine your future social status and financial success, if any.\n\nMrs. Krabappel, isn't Bart supposed to face the window so he won't be tempted to look at his neighbor's paper? You're right, Martin. Bart, remember to visualize the complex problems and relax. The test will start now. At 7:30 a.m., an express train traveling 60 miles an hour leaves Santa Fe bound for Phoenix, 520 miles away. Shh! Visualize it, Bert! At the same time, a local train traveling 30 miles an hour and carrying 40 passengers leaves Phoenix bound for Santa Fe.\n\nIt's eight cars long and always carries the same number of passengers in each car. Half the number of minutes past the hour get off, but three times as many plus six get on. At the second stop, half the passengers plus two get off, but twice as many get on as got on at the first stop. Ticket, please. I don't have a ticket. Come with me, buddy. We've got the snow awake, sir. I'll pay. How much? twice the fare from Tucson to Flagstaff, minus two-thirds of the fare from Albuquerque to El Paso.\n\nBart, there are students in this class with a chance to do well. Will you stop bothering them? He's not bothering me, Mrs. Krabappel. I'm finished. May I go outside and read under a tree? Certainly, Martin. What are you looking at, Bart? Are those naughty dogs back again? You have 20 minutes, class. He's a good boy now, and he's getting better. And sometimes even the best sheep stray from the flock and need to be hugged extra hard.\n\nThat's exactly the kind of crapola that's lousing him up. Hey, look at this. I am a wiener. He sure is. Mr. and Mrs. Simpson are here. Send them in. Hello again, Principal Skinner. What have you done this time, boy? I caught your son defacing school property this morning. We estimate the damage at $75, and frankly, we think it's terribly unfair that other taxpayers should foot the bill. Yeah, it's a crummy system, but what are you gonna do?\n\nOh, no, he can't mean that. My wife thinks you want me to pay for it. That was the idea. Oh. This might not call for an extreme penalty, but this is not an isolated incident. Bart's behavior is unruly. He's frequently absent from school, then gives teachers pathetic excuse notes that are obviously childish forgeries when compared to... well, at any rate, it is my reluctant decision... Mr. Skinner, Dr.\n\nPryor is here to see you. He says it's urgent. Send him in. Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, this is our district psychiatrist, Dr. J. Lauren Pryor. What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. Oh, on the contrary. I have some very exciting news for all of us. This aptitude test we administered this morning has revealed that the young Bart here is what we call a gifted child. A what? Your son is a genius, Mr.\n\nSimpson. Bart? That's long-haired. Impossible. No, no, we're quite certain. The child is not supposed to know his own IQ, of course, He's supposed to know his own IQ, of course, but you can see it's beyond the range of any doubt. 912? No, you have it upside down. It's 216. That's still amazingly high. Tell me, Bart, are you ever bored in school? Oh, you bet. Ever feel a little frustrated? All the time, sir.\n\nDo you ever dream of leaving your class to pursue your own intellectual development on an independent basis? It's like you're reading my mind, man. Wow, it's like you're reading my mind, man. Ha! You see, when a child with Bart's intellect is forced to slow down to the pace of a normal person, he's probably going to lash out in ways like these. I think we should retest him. No, no. I think we should move him to another school.\n\nOh, better yet? Bart, we'd like you to try a kind of school that doesn't rely on grades and rules and bells and buzzers. A school without walls, where you do as much or as little of the assignments as you feel you need to. Will you do as much or as little of the assignments as you feel you need to? Does that sound good, Bart? Sign me up, Doc. Excellent. We're all set, then. Here's all the information you need.\n\nShow up around nine-ish. Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, congratulations once again. I think we're all in the mood to celebrate. Doc, this is all too much. I mean, my son a genius? How does it happen? Well, genius-level intelligence is usually the result of heredity and environment. Although in some cases, it's a total mystery. Aw, come on, Mom. You look very intelligent, dear. No way. How about a tie, son?\n\nEverybody knows boy geniuses wear ties. You're flagging my creativity, Dad. Sorry, boy. Bart, this is a big day for you. Why don't you eat something a little more nutritious? Nonsense, Marge. Frosty Krusty Flakes are what got him where he is today. It could be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart. Lisa, maybe you should try some of this. Homer! I'm just saying, why not have two geniuses in the family?\n\nSort of a spare in case Bart's brain blows up. I don't care what that stupid test says, Bart. You're a dimwit. Maybe so, but from now on, this dimwit is on easy street. No rush, Dad. Take the scenic route. Gotcha. Oh, no. Ties. Don't worry, son. You can have mine. Here, let me show you how to put on a tie. The hook goes over the top, and these things go in there. Thanks, Dad. You kissed me. Oh, there's nothing wrong with a father kissing his son.\n\nI think. Now go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do one day, you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations. You may outsmart someone. Ooh! You must be Bart Simpson. I'm Ms. Milan, your learning coordinator. Let me say right at the start that we have one rule here. Make your own rules. If you feel sleepy, take a nap. If you get bored, feel free to take out a book and start reading.\n\nWhat should I read, ma'am? Why, anything you want, Bart. Oh. A comic book? How did this get mixed in here? We used it last week as a prop in a film we made about illiteracy. Bart, these are the students who will share your work area. This is Ethan Foley. Oh, Mem Zaheem, Bart. Rabbi has memo. What? Ethan's very good with palindromes. You know, sentences spelled the same backwards and forwards. And this is Sidney Swift.\n\nTrebing Norm Duke. What's your problem? Oh, don't mind Sidney. He's just speaking in backwards phonetics today. He said good morning, Bart. And this is Cecile Shapiro. Hi, Bart. Cool. Good morning, Bart. Cool hamsters. What are their names? Hamster number one has been infected with the Staphylococci virus. Hamster number two is the control hamster. Hi, little control hamster. I wouldn't get too attached, Bart.\n\nWe're dissecting him next week. Discover your desks, people. Now let's all welcome the newest member of our collective experience, Bart Simpson. And now we can continue our debate from yesterday. When we left off, Calvin and Tanya were arguing that free will is an illusion. If you ask me, humankind has freedom, but a freedom fraught with paradoxes. Freud shows how childhood shapes our subconscious mind, but this helps us to think for ourselves.\n\nVery good, Ian. Does anyone else have an example of a paradox? Without law and order, man has no freedom. - No one has no freedom. - If you want peace, you must prepare for war. Mm-hmm. Well, it seems the smartest child in the class is also the quietest. Bart, what other paradoxes affect our lives? Well, you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't. Well, I guess that would be a paradox, too.\n\nThank you, Bart. Phew. Tell you what, Bart. I'll trade you the weight of a bowling ball on the eighth moon of Jupiter for my lunch for the weight of a feather on the second moon of Neptune from your lunch. Well, okay. There you go. I'll trade you 1,000 picoliters of my milk for four gills of yours. Well, all right. Anything you say. Bart, would you wager your cupcake against mine? Slow your breath.\n\nWhat do you think of the new kid? Another mediocre genius. Yes, not very bright at all. So, how was it? Oh, oh. What? That's backwards for so-so. Wow. What are you reading there? Comic books? I guess you don't want to overheat the old noggin, eh? Tell you what! To celebrate your first day of genius school, what do you say we go out for a round of frosty chocolate milkshakes? All righty! Bart, I feel so bad for going so many years without...\n\nWhat's that word where you encourage something to grow? Nurturing. Nurturing your brilliant brain. So I got tickets to the opera tonight. Hurry up, get dressed. It starts at 8. Oh, Mom, not tonight. Come on, Bart. Your mother's only trying to help, so go ahead and enjoy the show. Homer, you're going too. But I'm not a genius. Why should I suffer? Elise, keep an eye out for the guy with the peanuts.\n\nThere's no guy with peanuts, dear. Geez, no beer, no opera dogs. Shh. No opera dogs. ♪ Don't worry, Adoro ♪ ♪ Don't spit on the floor ♪ ♪ Please use a cuspidor ♪ ♪ That's what it's for ♪ - -Walker, stop fooling around. Homer, stop encouraging him. Don't stifle the boy, Marge. We're supposed to encourage him. Shush! Shh! Who's the lard-butt? He's the bullfighter. No way a bull's gonna miss a target that big, man.\n\nWho are those people? P. U., when is this over? P-U. When is this over? It ain't over till the fat lady sings. Is that one bad enough for you, son? Let's go get a burger. So Y equals R cubed over 3. And if you determine the rate of change in this curve correctly, I think you will be pleasantly surprised. Oh! Well, don't you get it, Bart? Derivative dy equals 3r squared dr over 3, or r squared dr, or r dr r, har de har har.\n\nGet it? Oh, yeah. Hi, guys. Great to see you. Get lost, Pooly Dexter. Yeah, beat it, Professor. Why don't you go build a rocket ship, Rainiac? Well, come on, you two. Don't forget about the film festival. The what? Oh, sorry, Bart. Your mother bought us tickets to a snooty movie directed by some Swedish meatball. Oh, no. Well, I guess we don't have to do that. Um, look, Dad, I got something to tell you.\n\nCan I wait, son? It's getting kind of dark. All right, Homer, come on, baby, right across the plate. Let me feel the wind. Whoa! Strike two! Two and two! Can you still see the ball, Bart? Don't worry, homeboy, you're not that fast. Oh, you don't think so, eh? Well, here comes some real heat. Yah! Whoa! Yeah! Strike three! You're out of there! Yeah, strike three, you're out of there. So what was it you wanted to tell me, son?\n\nUh, nothing, Pop. I'm still trying to get you a lab partner, Bart. If we don't get any volunteers soon, I'll assign somebody. Say, what's that? It looks dangerous. Well, it's really pretty top secret, ma'am. All right, keep going. But you do know what happens when you mix acids and bases, right? Of course I do. Sorry. Now, Bart, we want to emphasize that nobody's angry about this. We're just concerned.\n\nWhen a young man with a 216 IQ can't make a simple experiment work, well, it doesn't take a Bart Simpson to figure out that something's wrong. Tell me, is the class moving too slowly for you? Lord, no. Well, then what can we do to make you happy? I want to go back to my old class. Oh, but Bart, don't you remember the boredom? The ennui? The intellectual malaise? Yeah, well, you know, kinda. But I was thinking I could go undercover.\n\nUndercover? Bart, I'm intrigued. Go on. Well, I could pretend I'm a regular dumb kid. You know, to study them and all the stuff they do with each other. You know, see what makes them tick. I see. Like Jane Goodall and the chimps. Like Jane Goodall in The Chimps. Yeah. Uh-huh. This is most impressive, Bart. You write up your proposal while I talk to Principal Skinner. Proposal? You know, outline your project, what you hope to achieve, what you require to do it.\n\nGotcha, man. My proposal by Bart Simpson. I want to pretend I am a regular dumb kid. Period. By this, I hope, oh no, for this, I will, um, require, oh, oh man, my confession a little turpentine won't take off? Come on, son. Don't be discouraged, son. I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb. Dad, I gotta tell you something. Hope you won't be too mad. What is it, son?\n\nI'm not a genius, dad. What? I cheated on the intelligence test. I'm sorry, but I just want to say that the past few weeks have been great. Me and you have done stuff together. You've helped me out with things, and we're closer than we've ever been. I love you, Dad. And I think if something can bring us that close, it can't possibly be bad. Why, you little... Uh-oh. What's going on up there? I think Bart's stupid again, Mom.\n\nHelp! You can't stay in there forever! I can try! Mart your butt right out here! Now! No way, man! Butt! Son, if you don't come out, I can hug you and kiss you and make you feel better. You think I'm dumb enough to fall for that? I'm insulted. - Shh!"
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S01E03. Homer's Odyssey.json

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+{
+  "text": "The Simpsons *Splash* *Screams* Now, class, I don't want this field trip to be a repeat of our infamous visit to the Springfield State Prison. So I want you all to be on your best behavior. Especially you, Bart Simpson. Mrs. Krabappel, I didn't unlock that door. Oh, sorry, little dudes. Party hardy equals tardy. All right, children, count off. One, two, three. Hey, Otto. Hey, Otto man. Hey, Bart dude.\n\nAny new tattoos, Otto? Oh, funny you should ask, man. This morning I woke up with this one. up with this one. Whoa, I want one. Not till you're 14, my little friend. Bart, Bart Simpson. Take your seat, Bart. Oh, please, Mr. Bobble, not next to Wendell. He pukes on every bus ride. No offense, Wendell. Be that as it may, it's the only seat left. So get in there. Please try not to shake the seat like that.\n\nNow, class, remember, do not stick any part of your body out the window. We all know the tragic story of the young man who stuck his arm out the window and had it ripped off by a big truck coming in the other direction. And I was that boy. Bart Simpson, sit down. I had just about enough of your tomfoolery. I don't feel so hot. Look, there's our school again. Otto, are you sure you... It's a shortcut.\n\nIt's a shortcut, Mrs. K. Trust me. Mrs. Krabappel! Bart, not another word out of you or I'll subject you to the humiliation of making you sing in front of the class. Can I pick the song? No. The song will be John Henry was a steel-driving man. Oh, no. We're gonna make you sing, Bart Simpson. Yeah, Bart Simpson, we're gonna make you sing. Then we're gonna make you sing. - Wow! - That's it, Bart. - Why can't you be more like, uh...\n\n- Us, Mrs. Crabapple? Yes, Sherry and Terry. They know how to behave. Da-da-da-da-da-da! Whoa! They took Bart Simpson to the graveyard, and they buried him in the sand. ♪ I buried him in the sand, oh yeah ♪ ♪ And every little kimono, they come roaring ♪ ♪ I said, there lies a steaming ♪ ♪ Lord, Lord, oh, there lies a ♪ - Hey, Wendell, you made it, buddy. - And so this plant harnesses the power of the atom so that we have the energy to run everything from your favorite video game to yummy cotton candy machines.\n\nLet's learn more about nuclear energy, shall we? Lights. When most people think of nuclear energy, they think of this. But when we talk about nuclear energy, we really mean this. What exactly is nuclear energy? I don't know, but I know someone who does. Smiling Joe Fission. Hi there, energy eaters. I'm Smiling Joe Fission, your atomic tour guide to the strange and exciting world of nuclear power. And these are rods of uranium-235.\n\nHi, Rod. Hey, Rod. How you doing, Rod? Hey, good to see you. Hey, you guys look hot. Of course we're hot. We're radioactive. Uh-oh. Well, how about a dip in the pool? Yeah. Let's put it in the water. To make the water so hot, it boils. And the steam spins turbines that generate energy. Put it down. Uh-oh, whoops. Looks like there's a little leftover nuclear waste. No problem. I'll just put it where nobody will find it for a million years.\n\nWell, so now you know the whole true story of nuclear energy. Our no longer misunderstood friend. So keep on smiling. Now, let's have even more fun. And over here is our thermal regulator. To your right if you look through this window. our thermal regulator. To your right, if you look through this window, you'll see where our water rejoins the rest of nature's biosphere. Hey, Bart, our dad says your dad is incompetent.\n\nWhat does incompetent mean? It means he spends more time yakking and scarfing down donuts than doing his job. Oh, okay. I thought you were putting him down. You know, I defy anyone to tell the difference between these donuts and one baked today. Hey, the boy's supposed to be here any second on a field trip. They been through here yet? Come on, Simpson. They wanted a kid to see you sitting around on your butt and stuff in your face.\n\nThey'd take him on a tour of your house. You're right. I gotta get where the action is. Coming through! Hey, there's my dad. Hey, Dad! Yo, Homer! Dad! Yo! Homer! Woo-woo! I'm up here! Oh, hi, boy! All right, who's responsible for this? I might have known it was you, Simpson. But, sir, I... I want to hear about it, Simpson. You're fired! Oh, hi, girls! Hi, Daddy! - Bye, Daddy! - Oh! Here's a good job at the fireworks factory.\n\nThose perfectionists forget it. How about this? Supervising technician at the toxic waste dump. I'm no supervising technician. I'm a technical supervisor. I've never done anything worthwhile in my life. I'm a big worthless nothing. There, there, Homer. You'll find a job. You've caused plenty of industrial accidents, and you've always bounced back. Yeah, Dad, you can do it. Yeah, go for it, Dad. You're right.\n\nI'm young, I'm able-bodied, and I'll take anything. Watch out, Springfield. Here I come. Don't give up, Dad. I'm just a technical supervisor who cared too much. Mouse pattern. Is Mr. Freely there? Who? Freely. First initial is IP. Hold on, I'll check it. Uh, is IP Freely here? Hey, everybody, IP Freely! Wait a minute. Listen to me, you lousy bum. When I give a home to you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half.\n\nYou'll get that punk someday, Moe. Oh, I don't know. He's tough to catch. He keeps changing his name. Oh, I think I'll have another... Whoops. Moe, I'm a little low on funds. Do you think you could cover me just this once? No. I'm a little low on funds. You think you could cover me just this once? No, sorry. Why not? I think after all these years, I deserve an explanation. I don't think you're ever going to get another job and be able to pay me back.\n\nOh. Don't worry. We're still friends. Are you all right, Homer? I'm fine. I'm just thinking. Well, I've been thinking, too. You know, Homer, you've always been such a good provider, but when we got married, Mr. Burger promised I could come back to my old job any time I wanted. You think you can still do that kind of work? Sure. You never forget. It's just like riding a bicycle. Hey, Mama, where's my fries already?\n\nDad, eat something. It's got mustard on it. All he does is lie there like an unemployed whale. I don't know what else to do. There's only one thing we can do. Take advantage of the old guy. You gotta sign my report card, Dad. Loaf Time, the cable network for the unemployed. We'll be back with more tips on how to win the lottery right after this. Unemployed, out of work, sober? You sat around the house all day, but now it's Duff Time.\n\nDuff, the beer that makes the days fly by. Bye-bye! ♪ Maybe enough of that wonderful tough, tough beer ♪ Now there's a temporary solution. There must be some beer here somewhere. Ah! Maybe in here. Damn! I need money! Oh, no. What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents? Not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute. I'll make sure. Not even close.\n\nDear family, I am in a very bad place. Dear family, I am an utter failure, and you'll be better off without me. By the time you read this, I will be in my watery grave. I can only leave you with the words my father gave me. Stand tall, have courage, and never give up. I only hope I can provide a better model in death than I did in life. Warmest regards, Lodge. Homer J. Simpson. Nothing's easy. Ooh, looks like young Simpson is going to kill himself.\n\nNo, maybe not. He's going to kill himself. Maybe he's just taking his boulder for a walk. Mom, Mom, wake up. We've been robbed. What? Someone swipe my piggy bank. Your father's gone, too. Look what I found. Almost there. Hey, you idiot. Watch where you're going! Well, live and learn. There he is! Don't do it, Dad! Boy, this intersection is dangerous. Someone ought to put a stop sign here. Oh Homer, how could you think of killing yourself?\n\nWe love you. Yeah, Dad, we love you. Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing I'd ever do. Now I have a purpose, a reason to live. I don't care who I have to face. I don't care who I have to fight. I will not rest until this street gets a stop sign. Stop sign! Next on the agenda, Police Chief Wiggum will give us an update on our graffiti problem. Well, now, Taker, our city is under siege by a graffiti vandal known as El Barta.\n\nPolice saw this, a composite sketch, and called for it. If anyone has any information, please contact us immediately. Cool, man. You're a tough customer. Wouldn't want to run into him in a dark alley. We're a tough customer. And now, new business. Homer Simpson, local resident, has something. Mr. Simpson? Don't be nervous. We believe in you, Homer. Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed councilmen, boys and girls, retired people with nothing better to do.\n\nDanger comes in many, many forms. From the dinosaurs that tormented our caveman ancestors... Simpson, get to the point. tormented our caveman ancestors to the... I think we should put a stop sign at D Street and 12th. The other... All in favor? Aye. Approved. Meeting adjourned. Coffee and maple logs in the lobby. Wow. They didn't listen to me. All right, Dad! Way to go, Homer! You did it, Homer! If they think I'm gonna stop at that stop sign, they're sadly mistaken.\n\nOh, Homer, I am so proud of you. Proud? Proud of what? Well, everything. Your tip sign, for instance. Now people won't be caught off guard by that little... in the road. Ah, what a great family. But come on. We all know this is small potatoes. There's a danger in this town that is bigger than all the dips put together. What, Dad? I'm talking about that. You don't mean you're going to take on your old bosses.\n\nWow. Gee, Dad's a hero. What'd you say, son? Nothing. That's okay. I'll just assume you said what I thought I heard you say. He also brought you the speed bump, the dip sign, the 15-mile-per-hour speed limit on Main Street. I give you the man whose very name is synonymous with safety, Homer Simpson! synonymous with safety, Harvard Simpson! Thank you. Unlike most of you, I am not a nut. Just a minute on this American, who poses wrong doing, and especially how is this, wherever they occur.\n\nLook at that man. He has the crowd in the palm of his hand. Haven't seen anything like it since Jolson. I haven't seen anything like it since Jolson. Who is he? That's Homer Simpson, sir. He used to work here on the plant, but we fired him for gross incompetence. Oh, so that's his little game. Get this Simpson character up here right now. But Mr. Burns... I said do it. Now do it! Do it! Our lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I.\n\nYou or I. Many of them in competent posts. I know this because I've worked alongside them. Gone bowling with them. Watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say, this stinks. Hey. Hey, Simpson. Burns wants to talk to you privately. Privately? Yes. Stay here. I'll be right back. right back. Ah, Homer Simpson. At last we meet. Same here. Simpson, I want you to rejoin our power plant family.\n\nSorry, no can do. Hear me out, Simpson. I don't want you to come back as a technical supervisor or supervising technician or whatever the hell you used to do. I want you to be in charge of safety here at the plant. Safety? But, sir, if truth be known, I actually cause more accidents around here than any other employee. Or even a few doozies no one ever found out about. The generous offer I'm making is good for exactly 30 seconds, Simpson.\n\nMe, in charge of safety? This place could blow sky high. Nah. I'll concentrate on my work now. Okay, this guy's desk sure is big. I can't let Martin support the family. This guy's got the cleanest shirt I've ever seen. What should I... Time's up. What the hay, I'll take the job. Excellent. Your first duty will be to step out on the balcony and tell that crowd this plant is safe. What? Go on, Homer.\n\nHomer! Homer I can't do it, Mr. Burns. You mean you're willing to give up a good job and a raise just for your principles? Hmm. When you put it that way, it does sound a little far-fetched. But that's the look you're looking at. And I vow to continue spending every free minute I have crusading for safety. Of course, I'd have a lot less of those free minutes if you gave me the job. Hmm. You're not as stupid as you look, or sound, or are best.\n\nYou're not as stupid as you look, or sound, or our best testing indicates. You've got the job. Now get to work. I'll get to work. But first, I have to say goodbye to some friends. Friends, you have come to depend on me as your safety watchdog. So you won't spank yourself or stub your toes or blow yourselves up. or blow yourselves up. But you can't depend on me all your life. You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us.\n\nAnd I'm going to have to live without your respect and awe. The only reason I'm telling you this is I'm going to be leaving you. But don't worry. I have just been appointed to do safety, Inspector, as is very planned. - Hey, that's my pup, look, there's Dad! - Whoa, Easy, don't drop me. - Be careful. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Shh."
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S01E04. There's No Disgrace Like Home.json

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+{
+  "text": "The Simpsons Shhhhhhh! Oh Yeah. Yeah. Hey, what's the problem here? We were fighting over which one of us loves you more. You were? Aw. Well, go ahead. You love him more. No, you do. No, I don't. - Oh, go ahead. - Yes, you do. Look, you'd better get this all out of your system right now. I don't want you embarrassing me at my boss's picnic. Mmm, marshmallow. Homer? I'm trying to get at least some of the unfortunate noises out of my system while I can, Marge.\n\nI don't want to embarrass myself at the company picnic. picnic. Are you sure that's enough? You know how the boss loves your delicious gelatin desserts. Oh, Homer, Mr. Burns just said he liked it once. Marge, that's the only time he's ever spoken to me without using the word bonehead. There it is, kids. Stately Burns Manor. Have an honor. Okay, now look. My boss is going to be at this picnic, so I want you to show your father some My boss is gonna be at this picnic, so I want you to show your father some love and/or respect.\n\nHalf choice. I'm picking respect. Good to see you. Glad you could make it. Oh, thank you, Mr. Burns. I'm so glad you invited us. Not me. I had to miss Little League for this. Quiet, Tom. Oh, please, please, don't fight. Just go out back and have a good time. Fire that man, Smithers. I don't want him or his unpleasant family to ruin my picnic. He'll be gone by the talk of war, sir. Excellent. gone by the tug of war, sir.\n\nAfternoon, Mr. Burns. Hello there, Simpson, Homer. There you go, sir. Oh, yes. Oh, and this must be your lovely wife, Marge. Oh, and look at little Elisa. Why, she's growing like a weed. And this must be Brat. Don't correct the man, Brat. Oh, boss, look what we brought. Gelatin dessert. Oh, for the love of Peter, that's all anybody brought. Some damn fool went around telling everyone I love that slimy goop.\n\nWell, toss it in the pile over there and make yourselves at home. Hear that, Dad? You can lie around in your underwear and scratch yourself. Now you listen to me. Trouble, Simpson? No, just congratulating the son on a fine joke about his old man. Now, remember, as far as anyone knows, we're a nice, normal family. Hey, Bart, last one in the fountain's a rat and egg. Yay! Go! Be normal! Oh, what an adorable little girl.\n\nThank you. Why don't we dump them in the nursery and get a glass of punch? I'm not much of a drinker. Hey, isn't that your boy there torturing the swans? Bart! Maybe I will take you up on that punch. Gee, you think we should leave the kids unsupervised? You're right. There. Bark! Where are you, kid? Whoops. Gotcha. Whoa, careful, Dad. Blow a gasket, you'll lose your job. Now hear this. The father-son saccharides will begin.\n\nyou lose your job. The father-son sack race will begin in five minutes on the North Lawn. Participation is mandatory. Repeat, mandatory. That is all. You remember the rules from last year? Yeah. Shut my mouth and let your boss win. Hey! I don't know who to love more. My son Joshua, who's captain of the football team, or my daughter Amber, who got the lead in the school play. Usually I use their grades is a tiebreaker.\n\nThey both got Stradais' terms, so what's a mother to do? Well, I sense greatness in my family. Your family? Well, it's a greatness that others can't see. But it's there, and if it's not true greatness we have, we're at least average. I don't want to alarm anyone, but I think there's a little out-key call in this punch. Mr. Burns, are you ready? Yes. Are you set? Go, Mr. Burns. Man, this is pathetic.\n\nI'm going for it. Burns, no! No, no, no, no, no! Mark, no, no, no! Close one this year. ♪ You'll be set enjoying the shade ♪ ♪ Hey, brother, pour the wine ♪ ♪ Drink the drink that I have made ♪ ♪ Hey, brother, pour the wine ♪ ♪ He's here at last, my one and only ♪ ♪ Goodbye, friends, and don't be lonely ♪ ♪ Hey, brother, pour the wine ♪ ♪ Hey, homie, did you try the punch? ♪ - Hey, homie, did you try the punch?\n\n- Snap out of it, Marge! You've got to come with me. The boss is going to make a toast. - Oh, I'm not much of a drinker. - I picked the perfect time to start you. Musician, cease that infernal tootling. Thank you all... for coming. March! Knock it off. I'm sorry. But now it's time to say goodbye. Please get off my property until next year. I suggest you don't dawdle. The hounds will be released in ten minutes.\n\nDid you have a good time, son? Yeah, thanks, Pop. Oh, that's the kind of family unity I like to see. Smithers. Yes, sir. Get that man's name. I predict big things for him down at the power plant. Quick, Bart, give me a kiss. Kiss you? But, Dad, I'm your kid. Bart, please. Five bucks for a kiss. I've never seen such an obvious attempt to curry my favor. Fabulous observations, sir. Just fabulous. Boy, I'm glad that's over.\n\nNow we can go home and act normal again. What do you mean? Oh, come on. That cornball routine? I love you, Daddy. Give me a break. I pity you. Why? After you. Thank you so much. Me first. No, me. Me. Honey, you look so tired. Would you like me to drive? Oh, homie. I think I'm going to be sick. Oh, homie, I think I'm going to be sick. There was a farmer who had a dog, and Bingo was his name-o. B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, and Bingo was his name-o.\n\nHomie, get in the car. This is where you belong. Yeah, Homer, room for one more. One of us, one of us, one of us, one of us. One of us! The piglets are dependent on their mother regurgitating the food when she is found. Hey! Look, everybody. Yesterday was a real eye-opener. We've got to do better as a family. So tonight, we're not going to shovel food in our mouths while we stare at the TV. We're going to eat at the dining room table like a normal family.\n\nHappy, Dad? Yes. Good. Commence shoveling. No. We're going to say grace first. Okay. Rub-a-dub-dub. Thanks for the grub. Ah! No! Ignore the boy, Lord. Now can of cheddar and bow your heads. Dear Lord, thank you for this microwave bounty, even though we don't deserve it. I mean, our kids are uncontrollable hellions, pardon my French, but they act like savages. Did you see them at the picnic? You didn't see them at the picnic.\n\nOh, of course you did. You're everywhere. You're omnivorous. Oh, Lord, why did you smite me with this family? Amen. Let's eat. No, I'm not done yet. But Homer, how long are we supposed to sit here and listen to you badmouth us to the man upstairs? I'm sorry, Marge, but sometimes I think we're the worst family in town. Maybe we should move to a larger community. Don't have a cow, Dad. The sad truth is all families are like us.\n\nYou think so, huh? Well, there's only one way to find out. Follow me. Look at that, kids. No fighting, no yelling. No belching. The dad has a shirt on. Look, napkins. These people are obviously freaks. I think so. Well, let's see what's behind door They're having a conversation. They actually enjoy talking to each other. I wish I could hear what they're saying. Papa, I believe I heard some rustling in the bushes.\n\nI did too. Better get the gun. Where's he going? Probably to get the old man his pipe and slippers. Whoa, look at this place. What a dump. It's worse than you think. I just trampled this poor sap's flower bed. Homer, this is our house. Stop! Are you coming in? No, no. I want to be alone with my thought. Another beer, Moe. What's the matter, Homer? Bloody is fight of the year. You're sitting there like a thirsty bump on a log.\n\nBloody as fine of the year. You're sitting there like a thirsty bump on a lawn. Eddie. Evening, Moe. Want some pretzels? No, thanks. We're on duty. A couple beers would be nice, though. That'd be two bucks, boys. Just kidding. Good one, Moe. Listen, we're looking for a family of peeping Toms who's been terrorizing the neighborhood. Quiet, boy. Let the nice people enjoy their beers. Don't worry. This dog has to sit.\n\nHey, what's gotten into Bobo? Uh, got some wieners in my pocket. That figures. Come on, you stupid dog. You know, Mo, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, Homer, you're a big disappointment. And God bless her soul, she was really on to something. Don't blame yourself, Homer. You got Dolph a bad hand. You got crummy little kids that nobody can control. You can't talk that way about my kids.\n\nOr at least two of them. Why? You got two I haven't met? Why you? Here's five you haven't met. All-Star Boxing is brought to you by Dr. Marvin Monroe's Family Therapy Center. Huh? What? Honey, today? Oh, I don't think so. Honey, you have a problem, and it won't get better until you admit it. I admit this. You better shut your big yap. Oh, you shut up. No, you shut up. Oh, shut up. Shut up. Why don't you both shut up?\n\nHi, friends. I'm Dr. Marvin Monroe. Does this scene look familiar? If so, I can help. No gimmicks, no pills, no fad diets. Just family bliss. We'll double your money back. So call today. Family Bliss will double your money back. Dr. Marvin Monroe's Family Therapy Center. 1-800-555-HUGS. Why don't you call right now? When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle.\n\nThey're on TV! All right, time for a family meeting. Why can't we have a meeting when you're watching TV? Now look, you know and I know this family needs help, professional help. So I made us an appointment with Dr. Marvin Monroe. The fat guy on TV? You're sending us to a doctor who advertises on pro wrestling? Boxing leads to boxing, and there's a world of difference. Gee, Homer, are you sure this is the right thing to do?\n\nHoney, I've given this matter a lot of study, and of all the commercials I saw, his was the best. All it cost is $250. We don't have that kind of money. Well, then, we're just going to have to dig deep. Marge, go get the kids' college fund. Hey! Oh, Homer. Oh, come on, Marge. Why scrimp now on the off chance that they'll actually get in someplace? $48, $49, $50. $88.50. That's it? $150? That's the college fund we've been saving for all these years?\n\nI guess I'd have needed a partial scholarship. Well, we're not licked yet. To save this family, we're going to have to make the supreme sacrifice. No, Dad. Please don't pawn the TV. Oh, come on, Dad. Anything but that. Come on. Couldn't we pawn my engagement ring instead? Now, I appreciate that, honey, but we need $150 here. Afternoon, Simpson. So what can I do for you? Would you pay $150 for this lovely Motorola?\n\nIs it cable ready? Ready as you'll ever be. Mister, you got yourself a deal. More money, the college funds, the TV. Homer, you're driving a stake through the hearts of those who love you. Hey, no paying, no gain. Will you be paying by cash or check? Cash, of course. I've got $250 right here with me. I'm holding it right now. Here it is. Look. Check it out. 250 big ones. If you really want to impress her, show her the big empty space where our TV used to be.\n\nBart! Come on, family. Let's go celebrate our newfound ability to express love for each other. I'm taking you out for frosty chocolate milkshake. Yay! There go my young girl dreams of Vassar. Hello, I'm Dr. Marvin Monroe. No doubt you recognize me from TV. We would if we had one. Lisa! Oh, no, Homer, don't stifle the youngster. Your family must feel free to express itself. That's what these pads and jumbo markers are for.\n\nI want you to draw for me your fears, offer me your fears, your anxieties, the roots of your unhappiness. Now, take a deep cleansing breath... and begin. No surprises here. Homer? What have you got for us? Whoops. Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. Well, if you had been paying attention, perhaps you would have noticed that your family sees you as a rather stern authority figure. An ogre, if you will.\n\nNo, Doctor, that's not true. Ogre is such a strong word. Right on, Doc. Another successful diagnosis. Don't touch it! Wow! Okay, you want to kill each other. That's good. That's healthy. There's nothing necessarily wrong with hostile conflict. All I ask is that you use my patented aggression therapy mallets. Good idea. All right. I don't know. Okay, let's take another deep cleansing breath. Wait a minute.\n\nThese mallet things are padded with faux rubber. What's the point? They'd work much better without the padding, Doc. No, no, that's not true. See? Give me that. Yes, well, that concludes this portion of our treatment. Are we cured yet? Don't be ridiculous. You will be cured, but it's going to require somewhat more unorthodox methods. Unortho-what? An ortho-what? Don't worry. I'll have plenty of time to explain while I warm up the electric generator.\n\nEveryone comfy? Good. Now, don't touch any of those buttons in front of you for a very important reason, i.e., you are wired into the rest of your family. You have the ability to shock them, and they have the ability to shock... Interesting. Why, you... Oh, not yet. You see, this is what is known as aversion therapy. When someone hurts you emotionally, you will hurt them physically. And gradually, you will learn not to hurt each other at all.\n\nAnd won't that be wonderful, Homer? Oh, yes, Doctor. Whoa! Bart, how could you shock your little sister? My finger slipped. So did mine. Bart, Lisa, stop that. So stop that! *Bang* *Bang* *Bang* *Bang* *Bang* *Bang* *Bang* No, no, no! *Bang* *Bang* *Bang* No, wait a minute! *Bang* Wait, wait! *Bang* Both, both, if I can... *Bang* Uh, that! *Bang* This is not the way to get healthy! *Bang* *Bang* Uh, uh...\n\n*Bang* *Bang* *Bang* *Bang* *Bang* *Bang* *Bang* No! *Bang* You don't understand, Simpson! *Bang* *Bang* *Bang* *Bang* *Bang* *Bang* *Bang* *Bang* *Bang* *Bang* *Bang* *Bang* *Bang* *Bang* *Bang* Boy... *Bang* Boy, someone's really gobbling up the juice, sir. Excellent. Perhaps this energy conservation fad is as dead as the dodo. No! Hey! Dr. Monroe, your other patients have fled the building. Stop!\n\nYou're damaging the environment! Hey, nice hair, Mom. Gee, I thought we were making real progress. No, I'm sorry. You're not. Please, you've just got to go. Wait a minute, Doc. Your TV commercial said, family bliss or double our money back. Oh, but that was just... All right. Get the money. 24, 23, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, - Piece of junk?\n\nForget it. We're gonna get a new TV, 21 inch screen, realistic flesh tones, and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays. - Yay! - Oh, honey, we love you. ♪ ♪ ¶¶ Shh."
+}

S01E05. Bart the General.json

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+{
+  "text": "Do I smell cupcakes? Ooh, do I ever. Lisa's making these for her teacher. Ah, say no more. Yum. Don't mind me. Don't mind if I do. Bart! Oh, man. Keep your greasy mitts out of there. These are for Lisa's class. It's Mrs. Hoover's birthday. You know, they're names for people like you. No, they're, um... Teacher's pet. Apple polisher. Butt kisser. Bart! You're saying butt kisser like it's a bad thing.\n\nHuh? Well, you see, boy, never hurts to grease the wheels a little. I'm not greasing the wheels, Dad. to grease the wheels a little. I like my teacher. - Sure, Lisa. You see how it works, Bart? A cupcake here, a good grade there. - Dad, I get good grades 'cause I'm smart, and I pay attention, and I study hard. - Yeah, right, Lisa. It's the three roads to success, Bart. Work, brains, and... hmm? - Oh, brother.\n\n- Uh-oh! School bus! Gotta go! - - D'oh! - Yo, Otto-man! Yo, Bart Dude! Hey, can you believe it, man? My sister here made a whole pile of cupcakes to butter up her teacher, and she won't give anybody else even one measly little crumb. That's bad news, man. Here, Otto, I made an extra one for you. Oh, thanks, little lady. You're welcome. You sniveling toad, you little egg sucker! Tell me more! Back scratcher, foot licker, honor student!\n\nYou'll never get one now, Mr. Name Caller. Alright, alright. Look, I'm sorry. I got upset. In the heat of the moment, I said some things I didn't mean. You weren't thinking, were you? No. I'm not a sniveling toad, am I? Not really. I'm not a little egg sucker, am I? Of course not. Then what am I? A beautiful human being. beautiful human being. What do you like best about me? Well, I'd have to say your generous nature, your spirit of giving.\n\nWell... Open your mouth and close your eyes and you will get a big surprise. Ah! Blank leaf, you're the best. Look, Janie, cupcakes. Give me that. Hey, give those back. Hey, what's the big idea? That's my sister, man. So what? So give her back those cupcakes before I knock your block off. Don't, Bart. He's a friend of Nelson Muntz. Now, you're bleeding. Nah, happens all the time. Somebody else's blood splatters on me.\n\nHey, wait a minute. You're right. You made me bleed my own blood. It was an accident, man. A terrible, ghastly mistake. Ask anybody. Uh-oh. A cold wind. Hello, kids. Everything above the board here? Good. Play friendly, children. Uh-oh. There's your bell. Come along now, all of you. No dawdling now. I'll get you after school, man. But... No, no, no. He'll get you after school, son. Now hurry up. It's time for class.\n\nBut... Scoot, young Simpson. There's learning afoot. Okay, Nelson, put up your dicks. It's lunchtime. I ain't gonna get out of the fourth grade alive. You've got to tell Principal Skinner, Bart. I can't squeal. It would violate the code of the schoolyard. Hey, everybody! Here comes my brother, Bart the Bully Killer! Yeah! You're a hero, Bart! Look, everybody, I would just as soon not make a big deal out of this.\n\nI'm not saying I'm not a hero. I'm just saying that I fear for my safety. Look out! Nelson, it was all a mistake. This is how it happened, man. Listen up. You may get a kick out of it. My sister was baking cupcakes... I'll see you at the flagpole at 3:15. And you better be prompt. Here's four of the meetings scheduled this afternoon. Goodbye, little dude. He looks so lifelike, man. Yes, Lee. School nurse did a wonderful job reconstructing his little face after the fight.\n\nGoodbye, son. I guess you were right. All that homework was a waste of your time. Thanks, Bart. We got the day off from school for this. Yeah, and I got the day off from work. Homer! But what's a day off from work when I'm never gonna see my beloved son again? Oh, Bart! That's better, Homer. Be brave. Bye-bye, Bart. You were always my special little guy. Bart, here's that cupcake you wanted. I can't help but think if I had just given it to you in the first place, this whole horrible tragedy could have been avoided.\n\nI know you can't eat it now, so I'll just place it lovingly on your forehead. Hey, look! They got food at this thing. Here's one for the road, dude. Put him up. Boy you sure taught me a lesson whoo Thanks guys. I guess now all that's left is a hearty handshake right guys I'm gonna get you again tomorrow Simpson Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Tough day at school, boy? Bart, what happened to you? Let's just say I paid the inevitable price for helping out my sister.\n\nSo you had a little scuffle, eh? Hope you won. I'm gonna miss you, big guy. Hey. Bart, your mother has the full idea that you're upset about something. Is 315 good for you? Not really. Too bad. Oh man, that guy's tough to love. Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. idea that you're upset about something. Dad, I need help. Please. Oh, come on, Bart. We don't want your mother to see you crying. Here, let me help you dry those tears.\n\nSo what's the problem, son? I had a run-in with a bully. A bully? Come on, Marge. I don't bug you when you're helping Lisa. Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this. I guess I could do that. What? And violate the code of the schoolyard? I'd rather Bart die. What on earth are you talking about, Homer? The code of the schoolyard, Marge. The rules that teach a boy to be a man.\n\nLet's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do. What else? Oh, Homer, that's ridiculous. Bart, instead of fighting, why don't you try a little understanding? What do you mean, Mom? Yeah, right, this ought to be good for a laugh. Shh, this bully friend of yours, is he a little on the chunky side?\n\nYeah, he's pretty chunkified, all right. Mm-hmm, and I'll bet he doesn't do well in his studies, either. No, he's pretty dumb. He's in all the same special classes I am. That's why he lashes out at the world. when he's staggering around blinded. - Yeah. - And there's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned. - Gotcha. - And if you get the chance, get him right in the family jewels.\n\nThat little doozy's been a Simpson trademark for generations. - Thanks, Pop. - Whoa! Put him up! - Remember the family jewels, son. That's why he lashes out at the world. So tomorrow, instead of bickering with this boy, talk to him. You'll be surprised how far a little understanding will go. Well, thank you very much, Mrs. Maharishi Gandhi. Let's go, boy. Now, here's that bully of yours. Show me your stuff.\n\nNo, no, not like that. Like this. See that, boy? You didn't expect that, did you? And neither will he. You mean I should fight Dirty Dad? Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules a little in order to hold our own. Amen. So the next time this bully thinks you're gonna throw a punch, you throw a glob of mud in his eyes. And then you sock him when he's staggering around blinded.\n\nYeah. Remember the family jewels, son. Ow! Oh, no! Oh, no, boys, not the can, please. Bart, you can't go on like this. I know. Why didn't you go see Grandpa? What can he do? He'll give you good advice. He's the toughest Simpson alive. - He is? - Yeah, remember the fight he put up when we put him in the home? - I'm here to see Grandpa. - Half the people here are named Grandpa. - Well, Grandpa Simpson, then.\n\n- Second floor, third dank room on the left. - Thanks, lady. - Dear advertisers, I am disgusted with the way old people live. Dear advertisers, I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never want to hear on television again.\n\nNumber one, brah. Number two, horny. Number three, family jewels. Hi, Grandpa. Bert, what brings you here? I need some advice, Grandpa. See, there's this bully at school who keeps beating me up. Well, let me tell you something, boy. If you don't stand up for yourself, bullies are going to be picking on you for the rest of your life. Simpson, give me a newspaper. Why should I? I want to do the crossword puzzle.\n\nNo, I want to do the crossword puzzle. I said give me that puzzle. No. Give me. There's no kids here. I guess I can't help you, but I know someone who can. Here? Yep, this is it. What's the password? Let me in, you idiot. Right you are. So, Herman, has the large type edition of this month's Soldier of Fortune come in yet? Not yet. Can I interest you in some authentic Nazi underpants? No! Actually, we came over because I want you to meet my grandson, Bart.\n\nHuh. Hello, young American. Hello, sir. Uh, Mr. Herman? Yes? Mr. Did you lose your arm in the war? My arm? Well, let me put it this way. Next time your teacher tells you to keep your arm inside the bus window, you do it. Yes, sir. I will. Bart's got a problem with a local young bully named Nelson. I thought you could help him with some kind of strategy. Strategy? Hmm. How many men do you have? None.\n\nYou'll need more. And you'll need to train them hard. Now, let's see. Okay. The key to Springfield has always been Elm Street. The Greeks knew it. The Carthaginians knew it. Now you know it. First, you'll need a declaration of war. That way, everything you do will be nice and legal. Okay, I can use this one from the Franco-Prussian War. I'll just change Otto von Bismarck to read Bart Simpson. And...\n\nGrandpa, I think this guy's a little nuts. Oh, yeah? Well, General George, that Patton was a little nuts. And this guy is completely out of his mind. We can't fail! Pass it on! So, mister, what are we doing here? I wonder where Bart is. Man, it's way past 1500 hours. Okay, we all know why we're here, right? No, why? To fight Nelson, the bully. That guy has been tormenting all of us for years, and I, for one, am sick of it.\n\nI can't promise you victory. I can't promise you good times. But the one thing I do know... Whoa, whoa, all right, okay. I promise you victory. I promise you good times. I gotta be an arithmetic. Would've got an A, but I was sick. ♪ I will sit ♪ ♪ We are rubber, you are glue ♪ ♪ We are rubber, you are glue ♪ ♪ It bounces off of us and sticks to you ♪ ♪ It bounces off of us and sticks to you ♪ ♪ Sound off, one, two ♪ ♪ Sound off, three, four ♪ Go!\n\nGo! What's the matter with you, soldier? It's my nerves, sir. I just can't stand the barking anymore. Your nerves? I won't have cowards in my army. Ow! Sorry, Bart. You can push them out of a plane. You can march them off a cliff. You can send them off to die on some godforsaken rock. But for some reason, you can't slap 'em. Now apologize to that boy right now. Sorry, man. That's cool. ♪ Because I did the best ♪ ♪ Because I cheated on the test ♪ ♪ Because I cheated on the test ♪ ♪ Sound off, one, two ♪ - I can't hear you!\n\n- Three, four! All right, there's your enemy. Now hit him! Hit him! Let's go next group. Martínez, Steinberg, O'Hara, Chang, Olajuwon, Herman! Die! ♪ We are happy, we are merry ♪ ♪ We are happy, we are merry ♪ We are happy, we are merry. We are happy, we are merry. We got a rhyming dictionary. Sound off. One, two. One more time. Three, four. Bring it on home now. One, two, three, four. One, two. - Very squishy.\n\n- Then that's where we'll hit him. When he leaves the quickie mart, we start the saturation bombing. - We got the water balloons? - 200 rounds, sir. - Is it okay if they say \"Happy Birthday\" on the side? - Two! Well, I'd rather they say \"Death from above,\" but I guess we're stuck. Okay, our main force will be split into two groups. One will circle around this way to cut off the enemy's retreat. The other will drive in this way, closing the trap.\n\nIt's a classic pincer's movement. It can't fail against a ten-year-old. Nelson's at the arcade, General. Battle stations. I feel so alive. You know, I thought I was too old. I thought my time had passed. I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank heaven for children. Hey, the squishies. What flavor do you get? Blue. Hey, you two birds! You're gonna be sucking all your meals through straws if you don't shut your traps!\n\nWell, looky here! Little Bart Simpson! Nelson, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson. Ha! Oh, yeah? You and what army? This one. Artillery, commence saturation bombing! All right, you kids, keep it down! Am I making myself... Got him. You, up in the tree. The tall, gray-haired kid. Get your butt down here right now! No! Don't hurt us! We surrender! We were only following orders! Knock it off!\n\nEww! I guess you learned your lesson, so now I'll untie you. The second you untie me, I'm gonna beat you to death, man. Well, if that's gonna be your attitude, I'm not gonna untie you. Ha! You're gonna have to sometime. Uh-oh. He's right. Don't you worry. I was ready for this little eventuality. Armistice Treaty article. Well, here's some cupcakes. Oh, boy. Mmm, cupcakes. Mmm. Mmm Well, sounds good to me.\n\nOkay, I'll sign. What about you, boy? All right, I'll sign. Are you boys through plan war? Yeah. Yes, Mrs. Simpson. Good. Then here's some cupcakes. World War II and the Star Wars trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool, gory pictures. Well, good night, everybody. Peace, man. ¶¶ Shh!"
+}

S01E06. Moaning Lisa.json

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+{
+  "text": "The Simpsons - - *Screams* Lisa! Lisa, are you still there? Lisa! Lisa, are you still in there? What's the problem? You fall in? Sorry, Dad. Women and children first. What? Where the hell are my keys? Who stole my keys? Come on, I'm late for work. Oh, Homer, you'd lose your head if it weren't securely fastened to your neck. Did you check the den? The den! Great idea! Warm. Now cold. Colder. Ah, it's cold.\n\nDo you know where my keys are? No, I'm talking about your breakfast. Did you try the rumpus room? Rumpus room? Great idea! Our dad. Oh, Dad. Oh. Here. I'm sorry, everybody, but I've only got two cupcakes for the three of you. Well, Mom, one of us has scarfed down more than enough cupcakes over the past three decades to keep it... Just take mine. A simple cupcake will bring me no pleasure. Oh, yeah!\n\nHey, hey, hey! All right, class, from the top. One and two and three and... Lisa! Lisa Simpson! Lisa, there's no room for crazy bebop in my country, tis of thee. But, Mr. Largo, that's what my country's all about. What? I'm wailing out for the homeless family living out of its car, the Iowa farmer whose land has been taken away by unfailing bureaucrats, the West Virginia coal miner coughing up... Well, that's all fine and good, but, Lisa, none of those unpleasant people are going to beat the recital next week.\n\nNow, class, from the top. Five, six, seven. Class, from the top. Every day at noon a bell rings and they herd us in here for feeding time. And we sit around like cattle chewing our cuds, dreading the inevitable... Ha-ha! Food fight! Go, go, go! Come on, Lise! What are you waiting for? Shut the spaghetti! I choose not to participate. Lisa, we are playing dodgeball here. The object of the game is to avoid the ball by weaving or ducking out of its path.\n\nIn other words, to dodge the ball. Listen, Missy, just tell me why you weren't getting out of the way of those balls. I'm too sad. Too sad to play dodgeball? That's ridiculous. Now let's see some enthusiasm. Play ball! Come on, come on, let's go. In the red trunks, with the record of 48 wins and no losses, the undisputed champ of this house, bottling Bart Simpson! Battling Bart Simpson! - -A-beam!\n\nWoo-hoo-hoo! And in the lavender trunks, with a record of zero wins and 48 defeats-- Oh, correction-- humiliating defeats, all of them by knockout... Must you do this every time? Homer the Human Punching Bag Simpson! Boo-boos! - -Oh, the stupid, giant dick! Whoa-ho! Three seconds, folks, a new record. - Six! - Whoa! Three seconds, folks. A new record. Hey, no, I'm not down. I'm... Get up, you! Get up, come on!\n\nOkay, here we go. Yo, Chunk, you back again? - - Get out of the way! How come he's not ducking? - - Wait a minute. Wait, I can't get my... - Get out of the way, stupid! - Homer? Not now, Bart! Oh! Get out of the corner! But they sent a note from school. What did you do this time, you little hoodlum? Oop, get out of the way! I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. There's no way they can prove anything.\n\nNo, Bart. This note isn't about you. It isn't? There must be some mistake. Hey, you're right. This note's about Lisa. Lisa? Lisa refuses to play dodgeball because she is sad. Well, she doesn't look sad. I don't see any tears in her eyes. It's not that kind of sad. I'm sorry, Dad, but you wouldn't understand. Oh, sure I would, Princess. I have feelings, too. You know, like my stomach hurts or I'm going crazy.\n\nWhy don't you climb up on Daddy's knee and tell him all about it? I'm just wondering, what's the point? What's the point? Would it make any difference at all if I never existed? How can we sleep at night when there's so much suffering in the world? Well, uh, uh, come on, Lisa, ride the Homer horsey. Giddy up. Whee! Lisa, honey, why don't we go upstairs and I'll draw you a nice hot bath? That helps me when I feel sad.\n\nSorry, Dad. I know you mean well. Thanks for knowing I mean well. See, Homer, looks like you got yourself a real problem on your hands. See, Homer, it looks like you got yourself a real problem on your hands. You're right. Uh, Bart, vacuum this floor. Hey, man, I didn't do anything wrong. In times of trouble, you gotta go with what you know. Now hop to it, boy. Oh, man. What a stupid boy. This is so big.\n\nStupid Homer. Oh, man, oh, man. I sure think he's so dead. Enjoy your bath. No, not really. Aw, too bad. Well, I certainly had fun vacuuming. Maybe now I'll get the pleasure of scrubbing your tub. So typical of Bart. All he thinks about is himself. Hey, don't say stuff like that about me to Maggie. - She's on my side, anyway. - Is not. - Is too. Watch, I'll prove it. Maggie, come to the one you love best.\n\nNo, Maggie! Come here, girl. Come to me. Come on, Maggie! The choice is obvious. No, Maggie. Don't go for the glitter. Look for substance. All right, Maggie. Just go to Bart. Exactly. Come to the one you love best. Oh, no! Come on! Don't let them... Get out of the... Oh, no, not again! Get over to the right! Gee, Dad, you're really bad at this. I am not. It's just that I couldn't concentrate with that infernal racket.\n\nLisa! Why didn't I tell you about playing that saxophone thing in the house? I was just playing the blues. Dad? Lisa, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. Go ahead. Play your blues if it'll make you happy. No, that's okay, Dad. I'll just work on my fingering. Unless my fingers cracking on the keys is too loud for you. Let's hear it. You just crack as loud as you want, please. I've got to find that sound.\n\nThat was beautiful. What's it called? Oh, it's a little tune that I call \"The I-Never-Had-An-Italian-Suit Blues.\" Wait, Margie. Before you go out that door, let's put our happy face on, because people know how good a mommy you have by the size of your smile. What the... What are you doing, Selma? Don't go easy on me. I'm your dad. I am going easy on you. But you're just so old and slow and weak and pathetic.\n\nNo! I experienced that at the age of four. So why are you still awake? I'm still trying to figure out what's bothering Lisa. I don't know. Bart's such a handful and Maggie needs attention. But all the while our little Lisa is becoming a young woman. Oh, so that's it. This is some kind of underwear thing. Mmm. Good night, Homer. Now, now, now, low B flat. Okay, Lisa. Altissimo register. Very nice. I once ruptured myself doing that.\n\nThanks, Mr. Murphy. My friends call me Bleeding Gums. Ew. How'd you get a name like that? Well, let me put it this way. You ever been to the dentist? Yeah. Not me. I suppose I should go to one. But I got enough pain in my life as it is. I have problems, too. Well, I can't help you, kid. I'm just a terrific horn player with tons of soul. But I can jam with you. Okay. Oh, I'm so lonely since my baby left me.\n\nI got no money and nothing is free. Oh, I've been so lonely since the day I was born. All I got is this rusty, this rusty old one. I got a bratty brother. I've got a bratty brother. He bugs me every day. And this morning my own mother, she gave my last cupcake away. My dad acts like he belongs. He belongs in the zoo. I'm the saddest kid in grade number two. You know, you play pretty well for someone with no real problems.\n\nYeah, but I don't feel any better. The blues isn't about feeling better. It's about making other people feel worse and making a few bucks while you're at it. Which reminds me, if you're ever in the neighborhood, I'm playing in a little club called the Jazz Hall. Lisa, get away from that jazz man. But, Mom, can I stay a little longer? Come on, come on. We were worried about you. Nothing personal. - Can I stay no longer?\n\nI just fear the unfamiliar. the Spring Festival. Oh, yeah, easy. You do love her, don't you? Oh, Mom. Well, you do, don't you? Don't make me say it. I know the answer. You know the answer. He knows the answer. Let's just drop it, okay? Okay, Bart. You don't have to say it. But you do have to have a loving attitude. Be nice to your sister. Okey-dokey. Go on, Bart. No time like the present. the Springfield Museum of Natural History, the Springfield Arts Center, and Barney's Bolorama.\n\n- - Oh, no! Bart! - Bart, you all right? - No, I'm very upset. Then you've heard. Oh, God, what are we gonna do? The lanes were kind of warped, but oh, the food... - I'm upset about Lisa. - Oh, me too. - Me three. What are we talking about? - Bart! Do you think you're being nice enough to your sister, Bart? Hi, man. I don't want your pity. Oh, come on, I'll cheer you up. How? Yeah, most have it, most speaking.\n\nIs Jacques there? Who? Jacques, last name Strap. Uh, hold on. Uh, Jacques Strap. Hey, guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap. What? Oh, wait a minute. Jacques Strap. It's you, isn't it? You cowardly, It's you, isn't it, you cowardly little runt? When I get a hold of you, I am gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood. Where's your sense of humor, man? Lisa, you'll be late for band practice. Let's go.\n\nUh, give me some quarters. I'm doing my laundry. Yeah, right. Where's the video of boxing? It's over there in the corner. If I were you, I really would use those quarters for laundry. Wise guy. Hey, that kid's pretty good. Good? Are you kidding? Over 2,000 fights, he's still in his original quarter. Okay, who's next? Me, me, me. No, no, me. No, me. Listen, can you teach me to fight like you do? Oh, come on.\n\nI'll tell you what. I'll do it if you bark like a dog. You little... You got yourself a deal, Fido. - Real fido. - Well, looks like you're a lot of quarters, old man. - That's okay. With the tips you've given me, I'm gonna pound the tar out of a certain little smarty pants tonight. - Howie! I thought I told you to stop wasting your money in this stupid place. - Uh, sorry, Mom. - And you, a man of your age, you should be ashamed of yourself.\n\nyourself. Excuse me, I think I hear my wife calling. Now Lisa, listen to me. This is important. I want you to smile today. But I don't feel like smiling. Well, it doesn't matter how you feel inside, you know. It's what shows up on the surface that counts. That's what my mother taught me. Take all your bad feelings and push them down, all the way down, past your knees until you're almost walking on them.\n\nAnd then you'll fit in, and you'll be invited to parties, and boys will like you, and happiness will follow. Oh, come on. You can do better than that. Oh, that's my girl. I feel more popular already. already. Hey, uh, nice smile. Thanks. Hey, what are you talking to her for? She's just gonna say something weird. Not me. You know, I used to think you were some sort of a brainiac, but I guess you're okay.\n\nUh-huh. Hey, why don't you come over to my house after practice? You can do my homework. Okay. Five minutes, people, five minutes. Now, Miss Simpson, I hope we won't have a repeat of yesterday's outburst of unbridled... creativity. No, sir. Hmm. Wow, Mom! So that's where she gets it. Lisa, I apologize to you. I was wrong. I take it all back. Always be yourself. You wanna be sad, honey? Be sad. We'll ride it out with you.\n\nBe sad, honey, be sad. And when you get finished feeling sad, we'll still be there. From now on, let me do the smiling for both of us. Okay, Mom. I said you could stop smiling, Lisa. I feel like smiling. I'm gonna knock you out one more time, and that's it. This is getting boring, man. Try not to kill me too hard, son. son tonight's not your night you missed me this is my big moment but the bloody Quiet, Marge!\n\nThis is my big moment. Bart the bloody Pope Simpson is on the ropes. He is hoping I'll put him out of his misery. Well, you're in luck, Bart. Here comes my right! Oh, no! My game! I could have beat the boy. Marge, how could you? I was so close. I'm sorry, but this is more important than that silly, loud game. You're right, Mom. I just like to use this occasion to announce my retirement undefeated from the world of video boxing.\n\nOh, calm down, Homer. Lisa has an idea that she thinks would be fun for the whole family. This next song was written by a friend of mine, one of the great little ladies of jazz. I got this bratty brother. He bugs me every day. And this morning my own mother gave my last cupcake away. My dad acts like he belongs, y'all. He belongs in the zoo. What? I'm the saddest kid in grade number two. guitar solo Shh. Shh.\n\nOh, calm down, Homer. Lisa has an idea that she thinks would be fun for the whole family. This next song was written by a friend of mine, one of the great little ladies of jazz. I got this bratty brother. He bugs me every day. And this morning my own mother gave my last cupcake away. My dad acts like he belongs, y'all. He belongs in the zoo. What? I'm the saddest kid in grade number two. guitar solo Shh. Shh."
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S01E07. Call of the Simpsons.json

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+{
+  "text": "The Simpsons - - *Screams* That's the old punk of junk. Howdy Bart, hot enough for ya? Hey Bart, you hot enough for ya? Shut up, Flanders. Hey Dad, how come we can't get a decent mower like the Flanders have? Just be happy with what you've got, son. Don't try to keep up with the Flanderses. How do you like my new wheels, Simpson? Oh, wow, man. What an RV. Bart! Uh, I suppose it has, uh, various features.\n\nOh, it's got everything. Microwave, dishwasher, big screen TV, deep fryer, and, uh, oh, see up there on the roof? A satellite dish! Yes, indeedly doodly. But, uh, how can you afford something like this, Ned? I get your mail once in a while, and you make only $27 a week more than I do. Oh, it's simple, Simpson. Credit! Ooh, credit. Oh! Huh? Thank you, God. May I help you? We're just browsing. Thank you.\n\nI'd like to see your finest RV. Do you have something that's better than the land behemoth? Yes, we do. That would be the ultimate behemoth. Where is it? We are standing in its presence. Behold! Didn't she look at this thing? She says, can you man-built this? It's a vehicle. Didn't she look at this thing and say, \"Can you man-built this?\" It's a vehicle. Does it have its own satellite dish, sir? You can tell your son it has its own satellite.\n\nThe VanStar One launched last February just for this thing. That's all. Oh, man. I'm not sure that we can afford... Does it have a deep fryer? It has four of them, one for each part of the chicken. I don't think we can afford this, Homer. Let's worry about that later. Come on, let's take a tour. Want to? Come on. Boy, carumbo. This is better than our house. Wait till Flanders gets a load of this. It all seems so expensive.\n\nHey, how much is it? You're a man of your conviction. You just wanted to ask that and blurted it out, didn't you? Yeah, how much is it? Well, first of all, I want you to know I like your face. You do? I really do. I'm not saying that. I mean it. You got color in there. You're not Roman, are you? No. Look like a god, sort of. Why don't we step into the credit office, Zeus? Hey, your dad's gonna just go in here, work it out, and then you'll drive home in this.\n\nI'm not gonna quote you a price till I check your credit rating. And let me... I want to make myself clear on this. This is a formality. If you're saying to me, \"Bob, is this guy good for it?\" I say, \"Yes.\" I don't check this machine. But I don't own the place, even though my name's up there. Long story, but that doesn't matter. I'm gonna have to run it through the computer. Is that a good siren? Am I approved?\n\nYou ever known a siren to be good? went blind telling me sell the vehicle to this fella and you're out of business that's what the siren says seems the ultimate behemoth is a wee bit out of your price range and we bid is me being polite you couldn't afford this thing if you lived to be a million don't you have something that isn't out of my price range i don't want to go away empty-handed bob take it easy don't ruin this feeling i'm getting from you perhaps i can show you something a little more you A little more you.\n\nWell, what do you think? Oh, you gotta be kidding me. Used, isn't it? What'd you say? Uh, is it used? Mr. Simpson, you're never gonna own a better RV. And I don't mean that in a good way. I mean literally, buddy. This is it for you, you know? It's this or a wagon. But how much do you want for it? This is yours. The price I'm quoting you, you're not gonna hand it to someone else? Because I'm gonna give you a price for you, not for someone else.\n\nSomeone else, I'm doubling this. I swear it, Bob. This is you and me. This is for you, not for someone else. Yeah. In other words, two months from now, I see this vehicle, your head's in that window. On my honor. $350 a month. Oh, well, I don't know. Would it be all right if I conferred with my family? Well, Mr. Simpson, if you have to go talk it over with those humans out there, then there's something wrong with all of us.\n\nYou look like a man who is able to make a decision, or I wouldn't be wasting... See that man right over there? Yeah. He's buying this. Did you know that? No. He called me two minutes before you came in and said, save the little one, I'm coming down. He called me two minutes before you came in and said, \"Save the little one. I'm coming down.\" Here he is. Now, you want it or not... All right, all right.\n\nI'll take it. Best decision you ever made. You are gonna... You are just gonna change your life. Hey, Flanders! Look what I got! Oh, she's a beaut! Hey, congratulations, Simpson. I'm sure you'll have loads of fun. Jealous. Everybody ready? I hate this. I don't want to go. That's the spirit. Ready or not, nature, here we come. Turkey farm. No. Skunks. Waterhouse. What are you doing back there? We're playing what's that odor?\n\nDad's feet. Bark. You win, Bark. Lisa. Are we there yet, Dad? I'll tell you when we get there. Go back to your smell game. Homer, I'm telling you, this is not the interstate. Maps. Shouldn't we stop somewhere and ask for directions? Don't worry. This is an all-terrain vehicle. My feet are getting wet. Come on. We're getting back to nature. Mom, I'm scared. We all are, dear. Your father says there's nothing to worry about.\n\nWhat do you think? Should we stop here? Yes! All righty. Well, here we are. Okay. Nobody move, nobody panic. When I give the word, everyone, ever so slowly, open your door and slide out and slide out on the count of three. One. The Simpsons have entered the forest. Well, now we get a chance to be real pioneers. Yes, sir. This is a real adventure. Why, I bet there are people who would trade everything they have in the world for an adventure like this.\n\nYou mean like we just did? Well, somebody help her. Look, Maggie, birdies. Oh, my. What are we going to do? Oh, don't worry. Our situation isn't as bad as it seems. Now don't worry, our situation isn't as bad as it seems. And you're forgetting, I'm an experienced woodsman. Now you all stay here for a minute while I go over this way and try to get my bearings. What am I gonna do? I've murdered us all!\n\nShut up! Don't! There, finished. You are? Well, it's a quick job, but it's shelter. It is? Uh-huh. Okay, we'll be back with help before you know it. You girls just stay here and relax. Remember, Dad, the handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star. That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class. We're in the woods. Hmm. Should Maggie be going with them, Mom? Oh, I don't think they'll be gone long.\n\nAnd she's in good hands, Lisa. There aren't any dangerous animals in the forest, are there, Dad? Well, might be a few, but don't worry about it. If you leave them alone, they'll leave you alone. It's a deal. And remember not to act afraid. Animals can smell fear, and they don't like it. Besides, there's nothing to be afraid of. Right. A Rattler! I'm not afraid! Run, you fool! Ah, through here, boy.\n\nBack to civilization. How do you know? When you're an experienced woodsman like me, you get a feel for these things. It becomes natural, like a third sense. The boys certainly are taking a long time. I hope Maggie isn't slowing them up too much. Bart! Where are you, Bart? Miss Lucky Red Hat! Oh, dear God! No! Bart! Oh, Bart! Oh, Bart, my beautiful son! Why couldn't you have taken me? Of all the beasts on heaven and earth, why did this one befall me?\n\nI'm gonna have a cow, Dad. What the? You're alive! And, he-he, look naked. I'm not the only one, homeboy. What? Ooh. Jungle man. The first thing you learn about surviving in the woods, boy, conceal your nakedness. Yeah, man. Okay, slap a fern on there, boy. Now some mud. There. Oh, that requires a little mullet. And some moss for me. That requires a little mollusk and some moss for me. All right, we're ready to hit the town.\n\nBut, Dad, I am so hungry. Can't we eat something first? I'm starving, man. Ah, food. Good thinking, son. This young sapling ought to do the trick. What are we going to do, hang ourselves? No, this is a trap. It's going to catch us our dinner. Come on, boy. Shh, just watch. Shh! Just watch. Ooh! Aha! Got him! Okay, okay. This time, I'll just go into the bushes over there, make a lot of noise, and flush out a rabbit.\n\nAnd when he comes out, you step on him. Right, Dad. Get him off me! Great camping trip, honey. Traveled 800 miles, haven't even seen a squirrel yet. Well, the ranger at the gate said we should watch out for bears. Oh, bears. Right, right. Let me show you how many bears there are around here. Uh, hello, bears. Um, come on, have a donut! Oh, what the heck? Have me! Come and get me! All right, all right, you made your point.\n\nBears. I hope Maggie and the boys are all right. Oh, I'm sure they're just fine. After all, we built a fire, and we don't know anything about nature. about nature. Imagine what your father, an experienced woodsman, has done. Yeah, I suppose so. Night, Mom. Good night, dear. Good night, Dad. Good night, son. Sleep tight. Oh, are we there yet? No. Are we ever gonna be there? Oh, what I know. Quit asking pointless...\n\nHark! Look! Honey. We're saved! Uh, Homer? Bees? Please? What is it? A fangy. Water! What? Oh, water. That'll win, man. Bigfoot, legendary half-man, half-ape, is no longer a legend. He's very, very real. What you're about to see is unedited video footage taken earlier today in the hills three miles southwest of Tenderfoot Gorge. Now the naturalist who took these absolutely extraordinary pictures was most impressed by the creature's uncivilized look, its foul language, and most of all its indescribable stench.\n\nA popular supermarket tabloid has offered a reward of $5,000 to anyone who brings in the creature alive. Naturally, we'll have more on this story as soon as it develops. We now return you to the president's address already in progress. It looks as if you girls have been getting along all right, but it's a darn good thing we found you when we did. There's something horrible roaming these woods. There is?\n\nWhy, that's my husband. His name isn't Bigfoot. His name is Homer. What does it eat? I don't understand. What's this all about? Well, I suppose pork chops are his favorite. Hey, get those bears out of here. I'm trying to do an interview. No bears. We're taping all bears off the set. Okay, now let's get back to your husband. How would you describe your marital relations? Brutish? Is this going to be on TV?\n\nCoast to coast. Just a little further. Are we there yet? Food! Nice Grizzlies! What do we do, Dad? Here's the Grizzlies, son. Good Grizzlies! Huh? Huh Good riddly dudes. Look! It's him! It's Bigfoot! Get the gun! Get him! We got him! We got Bigfoot! You are darn lucky we got here in time to rescue you. What the hell are you talking about, sir? He's getting away! After him! We gotta take him alive!\n\nJohnson, you got that tranquilizer gun ready? Dad! Oh, Dad! Avenge me, son. Avenge my death. Yes. Last week's capture of Bigfoot turned into the scientific poser of the century. Although the creature was ultimately released, the question remains, who was this homer? Was it a man, or was it in fact the legendary missing link known as Bigfoot? Can I have some applesauce? Specialists from around the world gathered at the Springfield Primate Institute for a first-hand examination of the controversial creature.\n\nThey are now ready to announce their findings. creature, they are now ready to announce their findings. Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished colleagues, after extensive biological and anatomical testing, I regret to announce that the evidence we have is inconclusive. This thing may or may not be human. That's what he thinks. I say it's none other than Bigfoot in the flesh. Oh no, I disagree. I think it is a man.\n\nThe eyes are the glimmer of human intelligence. The eyes had a glimmer of human intelligence. Really, a glimmer in the eyes. What about the sloping ape-like forehead? Oh, the guys at work are going to have a field day with this. Cheer up, Homer. At least they let you go. Gentlemen, gentlemen, Frau Lein, please. This much I believe we can agree upon. This specimen is either a below-average human being or a brilliant beast. Stupid egghead. Stupid Pegasus. Oh Homer, my brilliant beast. ¶¶ Shh!\n\nThe eyes are the glimmer of human intelligence. The eyes had a glimmer of human intelligence. Really, a glimmer in the eyes. What about the sloping ape-like forehead? Oh, the guys at work are going to have a field day with this. Cheer up, Homer. At least they let you go. Gentlemen, gentlemen, Frau Lein, please. This much I believe we can agree upon. This specimen is either a below-average human being or a brilliant beast. Stupid egghead. Stupid Pegasus. Oh Homer, my brilliant beast. ¶¶ Shh!"
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S01E08. The Tell-Tale Head.json

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+{
+  "text": "The Simpsons *Splash* Woo! You know, Bart, when I was your age, I pulled a few boners. But I think you'll find that people are pretty decent if you give them half. There he is. Backhand! We got us cornered, boy. We'll never get away. Give me the head. No, Dad. This whole thing was my fault. You run along. Son, we're in this mess together, no matter how tempting it might be. I can't let my only boy get ripped limb from limb by a bloodthirsty mob.\n\nOh, Dad. We'll die together like a father and son should. Look, now we got him. Hey, let's call the Simpsons. And his kid, Bart. Let's kill them. Bring him up. Watch the kid. Bart. Let's kill these guys. Murderous mob, I beg you to spare our lives. At least until you've heard the story of how we ended up with the head of our beloved town founder. How long will this story take? Uh, about 23 minutes and 5 seconds.\n\nThat's too long. 23 or 5. Well, all right, go ahead. Okay, it all started Sunday morning. Kids, we're late for church. Get your butts down here right now. Ready for inspection, Mom. Very nice, Maggie. And Lisa, you look lovely. Bart, assume the position. Bart? Now, where's your father? Get him! Oh, no. Homer? Oh! No, we don't. Try being objective for once and you're... Let's go, Homer. But you don't understand, Marge.\n\nI have 50 bucks riding on this game. You promised me. This isn't gambling, Marge. It's a lead pipe cinch. Oh, no! Why should I feel like a traffic cop every Sunday morning? I'm just trying to get a little goodness into the family. Where is it? The game! Ah! Catch it, catch it. It's complete! Touchdown! All right! Oh, doctor, we got a barn burner here. This could be the most remarkable comeback since Lazarus rose from the dead.\n\nLazar who? Come on, everybody. We're late. Bart, I want you to promise me you'll pay attention in Sunday school. Bart? Whoa! Are you talking to me? What's this? A personal stereo. Were you going to listen to rock music in Sunday school? Maybe. Can you believe this, Homer? Homer? No, no, we stink, we stink. Oh, Homer, were you planning on sitting in the car till the game was over? Maybe. It's because of your irreverent attitude that Bart thinks he can sneak headphones into Sunday school.\n\nNow move it! Now, here's the kickoff. Wallenarski takes it at the five, and oh my, he fumbles! Will my dog Pepper be there? I'm sorry, but the answer is no. - Will Milk Pepper be there? - Why not? - Because Heaven is for people. - What about my cat, Snowball? - I'm sorry, but the answer is no. - Will there be cavemen in Heaven? - Certainly not. Ma'am, what if you're a really good person, but you're in a really bad fight, and your leg gets gangrene and it has to be amputated?\n\n- Will it be waiting for you in Heaven? - For the last time, Bart, yes. And now I'd like to begin today's sermon, which I've entitled... in today's sermon, which I've entitled, Gambling, the Eighth Deadly Sin. Today is Sunday, the Lord's Day, and yet at this very moment, millions of Americans are not in the Lord's house. They're in their own house, worshiping a false idol, professional football. Oh, Lord!\n\nIt's a beautiful Sunday, perfect football weather for this incredible game. And by the way, this game is being brought to you by the good people at Duff Beer. You can't get enough of that wonderful Duff. That Duff beer, you can't get enough of that wonderful Duff. Now, they're lining up for this crucial kick. One final tick of the clock remains. If they win, it will cap an amazing comeback. But it's a 49-yard field goal into the wind.\n\nMake it, make it, make it, make it. Okay, please, please, please, please, please, please, please. Holy Toledo, it's good! It's good! It's good to see you all in church. Please be seated, Homer. Sit down, Homer. The ventriloquist goes to heaven, but the dummy doesn't. Oh, oh, oh, me. Bart. What about a robot with a human brain? I don't know. All these questions. Is a little blind faith too much to ask?\n\nDon't forget next week. Remember to read... That was very nice, Father. I was pleased you enjoyed it. I seem to have struck a chord with you today, Homer. What? Oh, yeah, you were great. Homer, you embarrassed us in front of the whole congregation, and today's sermon was one you should have really listened to. What was it about? Gambling. Oh. He didn't by any chance say that under certain circumstances it was all right, did he?\n\nNo. Look, I don't want to talk about this circumstances it was all right did he no look i don't want to talk about this anymore in front of the kids lisa barb what did you two learn in sunday school today the answers to deep theological questions yeah among other things apes can't get into heaven what those cute little monkeys that's terrible who told you that our teacher i can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle ape but what about those really smart ones who live among us who roller skate and smoke cigars who rollerskate and smoke cigars.\n\n- Oh, cool, man. Space mutants 4. Drop me off! - No way, Jose. - Marge, they're only space mutants. - Mm-mm. I know what those movies are like. Killing innocent people, eating human flesh. You just get a lot of bad ideas. - Hey, Dad, can I have five bucks? - I hope you're not planning to see a certain movie starring certain space mutants that a certain mother didn't want you to see. - Perish the thought.\n\n- Here you go, son. Share the wealth, that's what I always say. Whoo! Whoa! Ooh, calabunga! Yeah! Bunga bunga! Hey, hot dog! What? Nice dismount, man! Didn't hurt. Oh, yeah? Well, do it again. Nah, might land on my face and end up looking like you. You little punk! Hey, man, leave the kid alone. I like him. You do? Yeah, you're a witty. So what's your name, man? I'm Bart Simpson. This here's Kearney, and I'm Jimbo.\n\nYou don't need an introduction. You're the worst kid in school. Thanks. Coast is clear. You guys are sneaking in? Yeah, only saps pay to see movies. Hey, Bart, come on. But sneaking into a movie is practically stealing, man. Practically? It is stealing. Well, okay. I just wanted to make sure we weren't deluding ourselves. Wait. I think I hear something. Come on, listen up, babe. There's nobody here but you and me.\n\nNo. Stop it. I think I hear something. Not human. Let's get romantic. Well, okay. You little sneaks, you're coming with me. Next time you little hoodlums try this, I'm calling your parents. Oh, yeah? Well, we don't want to see your crummy movie anyway. Yeah, we'll take our business elsewhere. You know, Bart, I've been kicked out of all four Space Mutant movies. Wow, man. Three jumbo cherry squishies and one double jumbo original flavor, sir.\n\nOkay. Now don't you kids take anything. I'm watching you. I've got eyes in the back of my head. $4.52. Don't worry, guys. It's on me. Share the wealth, that's what I always say. Guys? Hey, guys, where'd you get all that great stuff? Five-finger discount, man. You ripped it off? Yeah, thanks for covering for us, man. Go on, Bart. But that guy founded Springfield. He built our first hospital out of logs and mud.\n\nIf it weren't for him, all the settlers would have died in the great blizzard of 48. So? Watch me hit him right between the eyes. Hey, what are you doing there? Show a little respect, you insolent little thugs. We're really scared. Hey! You! Hey, you! Hey, hey, you! You know, when you look up at clouds in the sky, they start looking like stuff. No, they don't. Yeah, they do. Like that one over there looks just like a cherry bomb.\n\nHey, you're right. And look at that one. Looks like a guy with a switchblade stuck in his back. Yeah, that one looks like a school bus going over a cliff in flames with kids inside screaming. That one looks just like the statue of our town founder, Jebediah Springfield. Does not. Does too. I mean, without the head, of course. Oh, yeah. I wish someone really would cut his ugly old head off. You do?\n\nYeah, that'd be cool. Sure would cheese everybody off. But guys, come on, don't you remember history class? Jebediah once killed a bear with his bare hands. Oh, sorry. We forgot how much you love Jebediah Springfield. Yeah, he's your boyfriend. Come on, guys, knock it off. Beat it, Simpson. Man, I thought you were cool. Wow, look at these bowling balls, Maggie. Can you think of a better way for Daddy to spend his hard 150 bucks?\n\nNow I've seen everything. Black, marbleized with a liquid center. The Stealth Bowler. Marvelize with a liquid center the stealth bowler the pins don't know what hit him dad Can I talk to you about something sure boy? What's on your mind? Well? I was wondering how? Important is it to be popular? I'm glad you asked son being popular is the most important thing in the world So like sometimes you could do stuff that you think is pretty bad so other kids will like you better You're not talking about killing anyone.\n\nAre you no are you no and run along you little scamp? - You're not killing anyone, are you? - No. - Are you? Then run along, you little scamp. A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center. *Gunshot* What have I done? Bar, are you all right? Yeah. Top of the world, Ma. Well, then come down for breakfast. Ooh. Look at this one. The hammer of Thor. It will send your pins to...\n\nValhalla? Lisa? Valhalla is where Vikings go when they die. Ooh. That's some ball. Good morning, everybody. We interrupt Mambo in the morning. We interrupt Mambo in the morning to bring you this special news bulletin. The statue of Jebediah Springfield, our illustrious town founder, was brutally decapitated last night in an act of senseless vandalism. We now go to Police Chief Wiggum at City Hall.\n\nWell, we have no witnesses, no suspects, and no leads. If anyone has any information, please dial 0 and ask for the police. Please dial O and ask for the police. Got number again. O. Stay tuned to this station for further developments as they break. It's just a statue. It's a statue of the trailblazing founder of our town. It's a symbol of what we can all do if we put our minds to it. Just a statue?\n\nIs the Statue of Liberty just a statue? Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza just a statue? Uh-oh. School bus. Uh-oh, school bus. Come on, Lee, school bus. Go on. We've all got to be brave, just like Jebediah when he killed that bear. It's so awful. Okay, come on, come on, everybody. We gotta get on with our lives. Let's try and put this tragedy behind us. You're right, Mo. A beer, please. Make sure there's a hat on it.\n\nAh-ha! I've said it before, and I'll say it again. and I'll say it again: Hell in a handbasket! I hope they find the punk who did this, and I hope they cut his head off! Yeah. Hi, guys. What's up? We were just saying we'd love to meet the guy who cut off the head of that statue. Yeah, we wish you were here right now. Oh, really? Yeah, we'd break every bone in his stupid little body. Yeah, that's right, man.\n\nLimb by limb. Yeah. What? But... but yesterday, didn't you say it would be cool to cut off the head and really cheese everybody off? Yeah, that was just cloud talk, man. Yeah, I mean, throwing rocks is one thing, but I would never cut the head off of a guy who iced a bear with his bare hands. So what's in the bag, Bart? My head. I said, what's in the bag, Bart? I wanted them to like me the channel seems rattled The child seems rattled.\n\nCan you play more? No, no, I can't. There, there, Mr. Burns. Closer. Hey, Bart, where are you going? To my room. Why don't you watch Krusty the Clown? I don't care if it's your brother, your sister, your daddy, or your mommy. Turn them in, and Krusty will send you a free slide whistle just like Sideshow Bob. Wait a minute. I hope you're not planning to do what I think you're doing. Sorry, man. It's either you or me.\n\nYou know, Bart, you don't have to found a town to be a hero. be a hero. Sometimes a hero can be a young boy with the courage to stand up and admit he's made a mistake. Yeah, well, I'm running a little short on courage right now. Anyway, think about it, will you, son? Jabadiah Obadiah Zachariah Jedediah Springfield came west in 1838. Along the way, killed him with his bare hands. That's B-A-R-E, hands.\n\nAlthough modern historians recently uncovered evidence that the bear, in fact, probably killed him. But whether bear killed... Mom, Dad... I knew it all along! Why, Bart, why? Yeah, why, you little... Because I wanted some really bad kids to like me. Somehow I got the idea that being popular was the most important thing in the world. Where did you get a ridiculous idea like that? Uh, lay off the boy, Marge.\n\nHe's a good kid. Quit giving him the third degree. Homer, did you have something to do with this? Well, maybe I am a little responsible. A little? Come on, son. Let's take the head thing back to the authorities. You know, Bart, when I was your age, I pulled a few boners, and I think you'll find that people are pretty decent if you give them half-- Look! There it is! The head! Kill him! - - - - - - - All right!\n\n- Oh, you don't have it. - We know this part. - Oh, yeah. Right. Well, that's my story. And if you still want to tear apart this young Sunday school student as he stands on the brink of salvation, I await your wrath. Somehow I don't feel like killing anymore. Neither do I. Forgive me, sir. No problem, Bart. Look, it's glorious. It's beautiful, man. I love you Smithies. The feeling is more than neutral, sir.\n\nI love you Smithers. The feeling is more than mutual, sir. Whoo! Good going, son. But remember, most lynch mobs aren't as nice. ¶¶ ¶¶ Shh."
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S01E09. Jacques To Be Wild (aka Life on the Fast Lane).json

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+  "text": "The Simpsons The Simpsons. Whoops. This is gonna be the best birthday breakfast Mom ever had. Hey, Lace, you think that's enough for her? Maybe one more. I hope she likes the presents we got her. Well, I know she'll like mine. Who wouldn't like a bottle of real French perfume all the way from gay Paris? Four bucks plus tax. Well, I think she's gonna like my handmade birthday card better. Oh, big deal.\n\nDry macaroni spray paint and glue. Whoopie. Gibbs, first Gibbs, I get to lick the beaters. No! It's my birthday? What did I get? I love birthdays. No, Homer, it's mine. You don't even know your own wife's birthday? Well, of course I know. Sure. You really thought I forgot, didn't you? Oh, right. What'd you get her, Dad? Yeah, what'd you get? A very thoughtful gift. But it's a surprise. You know, it's such a beautiful morning.\n\nI think I'll take a little stroll around the block. the block good morning consumers the Springfield mall is now open for your Too salty. Um, nah. Hmm. Yeah, too corny. Too exciting. Patty, he's out buying me something right now. No, Marge. He never gets you anything you want. He always gets something for himself. It's the tackle box. Remember when he got you the tackle box? And Connie Chung. And when he surprised you with the Connie Chung calendar?\n\nI'm sure he doesn't do it deliberately. Well, Homer and I had a lovely dining experience at Chez Pierre. Or the Rusty Barnacle is nice. No, no, no. We want to take you someplace fun. The Singing Sirloin. The place where the waiters sing. Homer? Be right there. Homer, we're having dinner tonight at the Singing Sirloin. That sounds delightful. Just you and me and the balladeers. And the kids. Fair enough.\n\nAnd my sisters. Go! What a lovely way to say how much I love you. Nearer, my God, to thee. Nearer to thee. Oh, perfume. Whoa. Thank you, Bart. You're welcome, Mom. 34 years old. Time enough to start over with a new man. Someone who eats with his mouth shut. What's that, Pearlie? Nothing. - What's that, Pally? Finish your steak. Look at him wolf down that gristle. It's an accident waiting to happen.\n\nDo you know the Heimlich maneuver? No. Good. - I think she likes my present better. - Does not. - Does too. Then how come she's not putting on any of your perfume? Yeah. Hey, Mom. How come you're not putting on any of my perfume? I'm saving it for a special occasion. What the hell are you talking about? There's gallons of it. But this occasion is already so special. If we made it any more special, we might end up making it less special.\n\nGotcha. Told you she liked mine better. Oh, brother. Hold on, hold on now. Your mother hasn't opened my present yet. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy 34th birthday Mrs. Homer Simpson, happy birthday to you. Don't worry, this frosting will come right off. Beauty, isn't she? Well, it's hard for me to judge, since I've never bowled in my life. in my life. Well, if you don't want it, I know someone who does.\n\nYou always say we should talk. I'm talking right now, as a matter of fact. But I'm going to stop in a second. So please, say something back, Marge, please. I'm going to stop talking now. You bought that bowling ball for you, not for me. What? No. The holes were drilled for your fingers. Well, I wanted to The shoes you wear. Never you mind. Can't wear street shoes on the lanes. You gotta wear bowling shoes.\n\nWhat size, please? 13 AA. It's the closest I've got. A 9 and a 15. Thank you. The holes were drilled for your fingers. Well, I wanted to surprise you. I couldn't very well chop your hand off and bring it to the store, could I? You never intended for me to use that ball. Well, if that's how you feel, I'll take it back. You can't take it back. You had your name engraved on it. So you'd know it's from me.\n\nHomer, I'm keeping the ball. For myself. What? But you don't know how to bowl. Whoops. I'm keeping it, and I'm going to use it. Thank you for the present, Homer. Well, you're welcome. I'm awfully sorry. Entirely my fault. It is nice to meet you. Homer. Oh, no, no. Homer is my ball's name. I'm Marge. Your fingers are so slender, so feminine. The fort you tapered for the ball you're using, you need something lighter.\n\nSo, 120 pins later, I am the better man. I don't see what he's doing. That's so different from what I'm doing. Before you taper for the ball you're using, you need something lighter, more delicate. Here, use my ball. No, no, thank you, Mr. Brunswick. Call me Jacques. Jacques? Marge. I'll just use my ball. As you wish. Many people have senseless attachments to heavy, clumsy things such as this Homer of yours.\n\nMay I ask you a bold question? Sure. You've never bowled before? Never. No. Then I will teach you. Oh, I don't want to trouble you. Not at all. I am a professional. Roll the ball for me, Miles. Let me see your form. All right, but I'm not very good. I can hit that one pin all right, but the rest of them don't even wobble. I can help you, Miles. Pick up the ball. Pick up Homer. Pick him up. Oh! Now throw.\n\nThrow, damn you! You're a very good teacher. Yes, I am a very good teacher, and I can teach you everything. I can tell you what the little arrows on the wood floor mean, which frame is the beer frame. I bet you don't know how to make a 5-7-10 split, do you, Marge? No. Well, first of all, you yelled, the ape pin is a cop. Let it out, Marge. Laugh loud. Laugh out loud. You'll lose weight. Oh, that's very funny.\n\nFeels good. Oh, dear, I didn't realize there was so much to this game. What do you charge for lessons? Twenty-five dollars. It's a forty dollar value. Well, all right. When do we start? We have already begun. Now this is living, eh, kids? Hot pizza, the food of kings. Don't be scared, Dad. It's not so hard taking care of us. Lisa, I'm not scared. I think it's a great chance to spend some time with you kids.\n\nYour mother always gets to be alone with you, and now it's my turn. Does the time always drag like this? First, you must get to know your lane. Feel the slickness, feel the certainly feeling. to know your lane. Feel the slickness, feel the Saturday finish. Caress it. Experience it. Quite smooth, isn't it, Marge? Oh, very smooth. Smooth? Yes, very. Yes? You could eat off of it. Mmm. You hungry? Four onion rings!\n\nMmm, delicioso! My compliments to the delivery boy. Okay, we've eaten and eaten well. Now what else do we have to do? Well, let's check the list your mom left us. Well, now what else do we have to do? Eat? Mm-hmm. Oh, clean up. Now, don't worry, everybody. This'll be a breeze if we all pitch in. All right, we're clean. Now we'll put Maggie to bed. Buh-bye and good night. Go to bed and sleep tight.\n\n♪ Go to bed and sleep tight ♪ ♪ Close your eyes, start to yawn ♪ ♪ Pleasant dreams until the dawn ♪ Homer? Homer? Huh? Oh, how is bowling? It's a very challenging hobby. Sport, dear. It's a sport, you silly thing. Poor dear, it's a sport, you silly thing. Mm-hmm. But I think I'll do much better tomorrow night. Oh? You're going back? Well, sure. If you don't mind taking care of the kids again. Uh, no, I don't mind.\n\nGood night, Homer. Good night. It is for you. Oh, Chuck. It fits. You got it in my size, and it has my name on it. It's really for me. 1750. Enjoy it, my darling. Here we are. You didn't have to drop me off. But I wanted to. Marge, do you know how beautiful you look in the moonlight? Oh, Jacques, I'm a married woman. I know, I know. My mind says stop, but my heart and my hips cry proceed. Marge, darling, I want to see you tomorrow.\n\nNot at Barney's Ballerama, away from the thunderous folly of clattering pins. Meet me tomorrow for brunch. What's brunch? You'd love it. It's not quite breakfast. It's not quite lunch, but it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end. You don't get completely what you would at breakfast, but you get a good meal. I don't think so. Marge, darling, there are ten pins in my heart. You've knocked over eight.\n\nWon't you please pick up that spell? All right! Marge? What, Homer? Nothing. Uh-oh! School bus! Here you go, kids. Special lunches. Lots of good things for growing bodies and some treats just for fun. Ay caramba! Are you going bowling again tonight, Mom? Yes, I am, as a matter of fact. Here's more treats. But don't worry, your dad will take care of dinner. Mmm, Wednesday. Hoagie night. Mmm. Mmm, Wednesday, hoogie night.\n\nMmm, goodbye, Lisa, my darling little Lisa. Mmm, goodbye, Bart, my special little guy. Mmm, late lunches, eh, Lisa? Oh, Bart, don't you see? This is what psychologists call overcompensation. Mom is wracked with guilt because her marriage is failing. Hey, don't rock the boat, man. Hey, don't rock the boat, ma'am. Whatever it is, we're making out like bandits. Bart, I read about what happens to kids whose parents no longer love and cherish each other.\n\nThey go through eight separate stages. Right now, I'm in stage three, fear. You're in stage two, denial. No, I'm not. Yes, you are. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. I stand corrected. Mimosa? I'm a married woman. Please don't call me that. No, no, no, no, no. Mimosa is the name of the drink. It's orange juice and champagne. You're so wonderful that you thought it was something offensive. Oh, well, thank you.\n\nMarge? Marge Simpson. You remember me, don't you? I'm Helen Lovejoy, the gossipy wife of the minister. Oh, yes. Hello, Helen. Well, I had just finished eating and was about to leave when I looked over this way and said to myself, why isn't that Marge Simpson over there having brunch with a man who isn't her husband? And I just had to come over and say hello. Worm! Oh, don't squirm on my account. I am giving her a bowling lesson.\n\nThank you. Now, Marge, the pins on the 3-7-10 split would be here. We'll make this little piece of food a bowl. for food. This is a good boy. Well, bye-bye. See you in church on Sunday, Marge. Goodbye, Helen. You have a lovely friend there. Let's hope something runs over her. Your laughter is like music to me, but if you laugh at what I say next, I will die, for I am about to say something very serious.\n\nPerhaps shocking. Marge, my darling, I want you to meet with me again. That doesn't shock me. Away from prying eyes, away from the heavens of the world. At my apartment, the Fiesta Terrace. I've been waiting for you, coming in my captivating love. May I have this dance? Sure. May I have these stats? Whoa! You certainly have a lot of bowling trophies. I like you so much. They're not for bowling, Marge.\n\nYou're so naive. They're for lovemaking. Really? Yes. Oh! Champagne? Please. There, my darling. Thank you. What cosmic force brought us together, Marge? Destiny? Yes, some divine pin-spotter must have placed us side by side. Like two fragile bowling pins. Standing bravely. Until inevitably... We must topple. Marge, speak to me. Is Thursday okay? It's okay indeed. For March? Hey, Dad, what do you say we toss the old apple around, huh?\n\nSound like fun? around huh sound like fun son i don't know if i could lift my head let alone a ball oh come on dad get the lead out simpson checks the runner on first he's cool he's fine here's the wind up and here's the pitch dad you didn't even say ouch oh sorry ouch lisa lisa i think you're right about dad something's very very wrong here right and bart welcome to stage three fear well come on Bart, welcome to stage three, fear.\n\nWell, come on. We gotta do something, man. Sorry, Bart. I'd love to help you, but I'm mired in stage five, self-pity. Look, Dad, I don't know what's going on, but once you gave me some advice, it might help. I gave you advice? Get out of here. Yeah, you did. You told me when something's bothering you and you're too damn stupid to know what to do, just keep your full mouth shut. At least that way, you won't make things worse.\n\nGood advice. Marge, may I speak to you? Sure. You know, I've been thinking. Everyone makes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but usually the jelly drips out over the sides and the guy's hands get all sticky. But your jelly stays right in the middle where it's supposed to. I don't know how you do it. You just got a gift, I guess. I've always thought so. I just never mentioned it. But it's time you knew how I feel.\n\nI don't believe in keeping feelings bottled up. Goodbye, my wife. Goodbye, Homer. To the most beautiful moment in life. Better than the deed, better than the memory. The moment of anticipation. Oh, Jacques, you handsome devil. Look at you. You're really going to strike out tonight! Ain't you hungry, Homer? Starving. Well, then why aren't you eating your sandwich? How can I eat it? She made it. It's all I have left.\n\nDomestic situation. The End Uh, huh? Huh? Marge! What a lovely surprise! You're here to see me, right? Of course! Hey, way to go, Homer! Way to go! Hey, what do I tell the boss? Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with a woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes! ♪ ♪ Shh."
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S01E10. Homer's Night Out.json

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+{
+  "text": "The Simpsons - - *Screams* So how was the office birthday party? Oh, it was delightful. The frosting on the cake was this thick. And Eugene Fisk, my poor sucker of an assistant, Dick and Eugene Fisk, my poor sucker of an assistant, didn't know the fruit punch was spiked, and he really made an ass of himself putting the moves on a new girl in valve maintenance. Does this girl like him? I have to warn you, Marge, I think the poor young thing has the huss for yours truly.\n\nHomer. Just keeping you on your toes, babe. 239 pounds! Oh, I'm a blimp. Why are all the good things so tasty? Blimp, why are all the good things so tasty? From now on, exercise every morning. You're not a blimp, Homer. You're my big, cuddly teddy bear. Ah, baloney. Yeah, right. Oh, give me a break. Wow, cool, man. Oh, no! 239 pounds! I'm a whale! Why was I cursed with this weakness for snack treats?\n\nWell, from now on, exercise every morning, Homer. Exercise every morning, Homer. - Ooh. Hmm. Don't strain yourself, dear. - Good idea, Marge. By the way, this Friday night, I'm gonna be attending a little get-together with the boys at work. Eugene Fisk is marrying some girl in valve maintenance. - Homer, is this some kind of stag party? - No, no, Marge. It's gonna be very classy. A tea and crumpet kind of thing.\n\n- Hmm. Eugene Fisk, isn't he your assistant? - No. He's my supervisor. Isn't he your assistant? Didn't he used to be your assistant? Hey, what is this? The Spanish exposition? Sorry, Homer. Uh-oh. It's the female man. Female carrier bike. Lady, where's my spy camera? Where's my spy camera? Where's my spy camera, lady? Where is my spy camera? Here's your stupid spy camera! Oh. Thanks, man. Whoa, man.\n\nLook at the size of this thing. I wonder if it really works. Because I got a lot of spying to do. Bart! What are you doing? Sorry, Dad. The answer to that is top secret. - - - - - - Oh, Bart. - What? - Go take some wildlife pictures or something. - - - - Ew, gross. Mom, Bart was taking a picture of his butt. Oh, sure. Like I'm really gonna take a picture of my butt. Oh, stop it, you two. And put on some nice clothes.\n\nSince it's just the four of us tonight, we're having dinner at the Rusty Barnacle. - Yay! Fried shrimp! - Aw, Mom, can't we just grab a burger and... Only four of us? Who escaped? - Your father. He's having a boys' night out. - Just as I was asking myself, \"Where did my seven-year-old boy get the money for a Father's Day present?\" I opened the box, and inside was little Eugene's baseball glove. He had given me the one thing that mattered most to him in the whole world.\n\nEugene, I see you, the one thing that matters most to me in the whole world, married tomorrow. I'm going to know just how you felt that day. I love you, Dad. I love you, son. Where am I, the planet Cornball? Hey, don't worry. Things are going to pick up once the entertainment gets here. Things are gonna pick up once the entertainment gets here. Ooh, entertainment. Yes, sir. Ahoy! I spy the children's menu.\n\nAhoy, this place bites. Fart! So what's it gonna be, me little bucko? -Grid platter. -Ew! -With extra tentacles, please. -No, Bart. Excuse me, sir. The party next door seems to be a little raucous. Could you please ask them to quiet down a little bit, please? Aye, aye. Hey, try and keep it down, guys, okay? Hey, shut up. Shut up. Here you go. There you are. For the baby. And one squid platter. Extra tentacles.\n\nBark, quit fooling around and eat your dinner. Yeah, eat it, Bark. May I please be excused for a minute? Okay, but don't dawdle. Your food will get cold. Eugh. Okay, Eugene. One last taste of bachelor freedom. Presenting Princess Cashmere, Queen of the Mysterious East. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Now this is what I call a party. How do I tell you this, my boy? We're in hell. Look at him squirm. Care to dance?\n\nWatch it, Oma! Go for it, Omer! Shake it, Oma! I'm sorry, I don't usually laugh like this. - - I'll plumb the world. - - Over here. - - This is the most fun I've ever had in my life. The meeting of the Future Photographers of America is now in session. We would like to welcome our new member, Bart Simpson. welcome our new member Bart Simpson. Oh people, people, don't applaud. Let's get to work. My goodness, quite exciting.\n\nExtremely sensual. Each ton of gray tones recall the work of Helmut Newton. Who's the sexy lady, Bart? Beats me, but the guy dancing with her is my pop. Wow. He brings to mind the letter work of Diane Arbus. Bart, I'd really appreciate a print of your masterwork. Me too. I appreciate a print of your master work. Yeah, me too. Sorry, guys. No can do. Come on, Bart. You're gonna make me a print, aren't you?\n\nWill you swear not to let another living soul get a copy of this photo? Okay. Crush your heart and hope to die? Yep. Stick a needle in your eye? Jam a dagger in your thigh? Eat a horse manure pie? Well, okay. Psst. Look what I got. Whoa. I gotta have a copy of that. Sorry. Aw, come on. Well, okay. Hey, Bart, how come Milhouse gets a copy of your girly picture and I don't? I thought I was your friend, too.\n\nSon, why are you wasting your time with this sleazy trash? Sorry, Dad. Wait till I show the guys that work this little doozy. Mike, this is Al. Just wanted to thank you for the informative memo you faxed me. Whoops, here comes the boss. Gotta go. Reverend Lovejoy, your wife confiscated this from one of the boys in the choir. Why, this sheep has strayed from my own flock. His name's... Homer Simpson, sir.\n\nA low-level employee in Sector 7G. Simpson, eh? A family man? Wife and three kids, sir. I'd like to see our self-styled Valentino tomorrow morning, Smithers. What are we laughing at? What happened now? One glazed and one scratch and win, please. You look familiar, sir. Are you on the television or something? Sorry, buddy. You got me confused with Fred Flintstone. Boo! Liberty Bell. Another Liberty Bell!\n\nOne more and I'm a millionaire! Come on, Liberty Bell. Please, please, please, please, please, please. Please, please, please, please. No! That purple fruit thing. Where were you yesterday? Hey, hey. Looking good. What do you want, pal? Hey, mister. Well, a doody-doody-doo to you, too, pint-sized. Geez, got a lot of nutcases in here. Oh, sir, I've seen things you can't imagine. Hey, hey, hey. I hear you, buddy.\n\nFull moon. Still got it. What is the meaning of this? Meaningless, Marge. Don't even attempt to find meaning in it. There's nothing between me and Princess Cashmere. Princess who? Hey, my photo. Your photo? Uh-oh. Why, you little... Why, you big... Bart, go to your room. I'm out of here. Look, Marge, honey, baby, doll... Homer, I don't even want to look at you right now. What are you saying, honey?\n\nBut where will I sleep? My suggestion is for you to sleep in the filth you created. Will the motel be okay? Oh, I knew you'd come to your... Here. If you have any soul left, you'll need these. I know I will. What's the matter, Homer? Hottest lady's night in months and you're not even checking out the action. Oh, Moe. My wife gave me the old heave-ho because of some lousy picture. What, this one? D'oh!\n\nSo, uh, where are you staying tonight, Homer? Motel, I guess. Oh, no. No pal of mine is gonna stay in some dingy flop house. If you get hungry in the middle of the night, there's an open beer in the fridge. Opened beer in the fridge. Look, Barney, see the row of tiny lights up there? The middle one is my house. Someone must have left a porch light on. Hey, that's rough, pal. Hello, March. You left your damn porch light on.\n\nBarney! Homer's not made of money, you know. Don't listen to him, March. He's... Oh, Homer, you're overwrought. Why aren't you unwind a little bit? Party down in the hall. You know, this apartment complex caters to upscale young singles like me. No, Barton. I just want to crawl into bed. Suit yourself, Homer. Nighty-night. I wonder when Dad's coming home. Homer Simpson. Report at once to Mr. Burns' office.\n\nOh, no. What in blue blazes do you think you're doing, Simpson? What do you mean, sir? I mean this. A plant employee carrying on like an oversexed orangutan in heat. This is a family nuclear power plant, Simpson. Our research indicates that over 50% of our power is used by women. I will not have you offending my customers with your bloody shenanigans. It won't happen again, sir, I promise. May I get out of your sight now?\n\nJust a second, Simpson. Smithers, would you leave the room for a minute? Yes, sir. Simpson, I am by most measures a successful man. I have wealth and power beyond the dreams of you and your clock-punching ilk. And yet, I've led a solitary life. The fair sex remains a mystery to me. You seem to have a way with women, a certain... How shall I put it? Animal magnetism. Help me, Simpson. Tell me your secret.\n\nOh, Mr. Burns, in spite of what everybody thinks, I'm no lover boy. Simpson, I'm asking you nicely. I don't really know, sir. Simpson! Well, write him, dine him, bring him flowers, write him love poetry, sir. Of course. It's simplicity itself. I won't forget this, Simpson. Now return to your work. And tell no one of what transpired here. Anybody home? Hi, Daddy. Welcome back, Dad. How's your mom? Still kind of ticked off.\n\nYeah, good luck, man. Oh, thanks, boy. Hello, Marge. It's me, Homer. Are you still mad? Homer, are you still mad? You are still mad. Don't need to say it. I'm your loving husband. I can read you like a book. I'll just have some milk. Look, I'm not drinking out of the carton. Come on, Marge. Please forgive me. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Homer, you don't even know why you're apologizing. Yes, I do, because I'm hungry.\n\nMy clothes are smelly, and I'm tired. I've been thinking, Homer, and you know what bothers me the most about this whole thing? You taught Bart a very bad lesson. Your boy idolizes you. - Oh, he does not. - Yes, he does, Homer. And when he sees you treating women as objects, he's going to think that it's okay. You owe your son better than that, Homer. So what should I do, Marge? Well, I think you should take Bart to meet this exotic belly person.\n\nI want him to see that she's a real human being with real thoughts and real feelings. I want Bart to see you apologize for the way you treated her. Okay, your wish is my command, my little... Do it! Princess Cashmere, you must mean April Flowers. She's walking over at the Curl-A. You must mean April Flowers. She's working over at the Curl-A. Hello. Hey, I'm trying to teach my son here about treating women as objects.\n\nThat's a good idea. But April's over at Foxy Boxing tonight. Just let me say that it is an honor to have Springfield's number one swinger here with us. Forget that. I'm teaching my boy a lesson. Is he here or not? Eh, try Mud City. Try mud city There she is hey princess, it's me the guy from the snapshot. Oh, oh hi Look I'm here because I want to apologize for treating you like an object Look, I'm here because I want to apologize for treating you like an object.\n\nUh-huh. I also want my boy to find out that you're more than just a belly. I want to meet the woman behind all the spangles and glitter and find out that she has thoughts and feelings, too. Oh, well, okay, but can we make it quick? Nice to meet you, ma'am. Could you tell him a little bit about yourself? Well, um, my real name's Jonna Tifton. My pet peeve is rude people, and my turn-ons include silk sheets and a warm fireplace.\n\nThank you very much, ma'am. We'll be out of... They could love their wives alone, but I think that's just foolish. Men must have hearts made of stone. Now my heart is made of... Cool, man. Get out of my cage. My boss will Get off my stage, fat boy. Hey, it's the guy from the picture. Homer Simpson. Sorry, partner. I didn't recognize you at first. Ladies and gentlemen, it's an honor to have a real swinging cat with us tonight, Homer Simpson, party guy.\n\nMr. Maestro. Yo! Get off my stage, fat boy. Michael. - - Yeah! Something to say. Quiet! You with the hair, down in front. Oh, no. He sunk even lower. I have something to say to all the sons out there. To all the boys, to all the men, to all of us. It's about women. And how they are not mere objects with curves that make us crazy. No. They are our wives. They are our daughters, our sisters, our grandmas, our aunts, our nieces and nephews.\n\nWell, not our nephews. They are our mothers. And you know something, folks? As ridiculous as this sounds, I would rather feel the sweet breath of my beautiful wife on the back of my neck as I sleep than stuff dollar bills into some stranger's g-string. Am I wrong or am I right? The cutest little thing right here when she smiled. Is it like Susie? Oh, so cute. Bless the wife! Here's mine. You know, my mom sounded a little down the other day.\n\nI better give her a call. Over! March! All right, folks, show's over. No more to see, folks. Come on. Only sick people want to see my folks' kiss. Shh. you"
+}

S01E11. The Crepes of Wrath.json

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+{
+  "text": "The Simpsons *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky Woo!\n\nOh! Jeez Louise, look at this mess. I told that boy a billion times to pick up his jug-- I like to play with you. I like to play with you. Help, boy. Oh, Maggie, my poor back. Dad! Homer! What happened? The boy. Bring me the boy. Bart! If you had cleaned up your room when I asked you to, your father's trick back would still be aligned. So you'll pick up this mess right now. Hello. What have we here?\n\nA cherry bomb. I thought I blew all you guys up. People, people, no roughhousing on the monkey bars. You there, tuck in your shirt. Watch it. I saw that. You certainly have done awfully well for yourself, Spanky. Mother, please don't call me Spanky on school grounds. Wow, a cherry bomb. What are you going to do with it, Bart? Watch out, Bart. It's Skinner. Uh-oh. Good morning, Mr. Skinner. Morning, boys.\n\n- Morning, Mr. Why haven't you introduced me to any of your students, Spanky? - - Well? Mother, I would like you to meet Millhouse, Lewis, Richard, and Bart Simpson. - This is the Bart Simpson you're always talking about? - Mm-hmm. - But he looks so sweet. - I am, ma'am. Simpson, let's move on now, Mother, shall we? Bye, Spanky. So you're gonna flush it? What can I say? I got a weakness for the classics.\n\nI think I need to make a stop at the little girl's room. Okay, Mother. This way. So long, sucker. Thank you. Mother? Oh, Marge, I still hurt. Marge! Oh, Homer, how many times do I have to fluff your pillow? Actually, I was wondering if you could make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Well, okay. Make sure it's squished flat and crunchy on the outside. I know how you like them, Homer. And maybe some of those little wieners that come in a can.\n\nOh, and some fruit cocktail in heavy syrup. Marge! Get the door! Principal Skinner! Hello, Mrs. Simpson. I'm afraid there's been a very disturbing incident at school today. I'm out of here, man. Homer, Principal Skinner's here. Oh, hello, Principal Skinner. I'd get up if the boy crippled me. I understand completely. The disturbing incident I was referring to happened this morning when your son flushed an explosive device down the boy's lavatory.\n\nThat old gay. Unfortunately, at the same moment, my mother was in the girl's lavatory making use of the facilities. Oh, dear. Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, we have transcended incorrigible. I don't think suspension or expulsion will do the trick. I think it behooves us all to consider deportation. Deportation? You mean kick Bart out of the country? Hear him out, Bart. Well, perhaps I was being a tad glib.\n\nLet me explain. Our elementary school participates in a foreign exchange program. Now, normally a student is selected on the basis of academic excellence or intelligence, but in Bart's case, I'm prepared to make a big exception. And if you're willing to play along, he can spend the next three months studying far, far away. Sounds great! Although a kid can't learn much in just three months. Homer, you didn't even ask where Bart would be going.\n\nActually, he'd be staying in France, in a lovely chateau in the heart of the wine country. But Bart doesn't speak French. Oh, when he's totally immersed in a foreign language, the average child can become fluent in weeks. Yeah, but what about Bart? I'm sure he'll pick up enough to get by. And the whole thing won't cost you a dime, as long as you're willing to take in a student of your own. Wait a minute, Skinner.\n\nHow do we know some principal over in France isn't pulling the same scam you are? Well, for one thing, you wouldn't be getting a French boy. the same scam you are. You would be getting an Albanian. You mean all white with pink eyes? No, no, no, no. A student from Albania. It's a country on the Adriatic Sea. Well, going to France sounds like a fantastic opportunity, but I think Bart should have a say in this.\n\nThe life of a frog. That's the life for me. Bart, how would you like to spend the next three months living in France? France? Wow. He makes me crazy 12 months a year. At least you get the summer off. And I'd get to take a plane there, wouldn't I, Mom? Yes, Bart. Wow. And one back? Well, Bart seems very enthusiastic about the idea. Yes! Yeah, baby! Oh, boy, oh, boy! Goodbye, my special... my special little guy.\n\nYou will write us, won't you? All the time. What do you know about France? I know I'm going and you're not. I'm going to miss you, son. And listen, while you're seeing all those great sights, always remember that you're representing your country. I guess what I'm saying is, don't mess up France the way you messed up your room. Okay, Dad. Is one of you going to be on the charter flag? Yes, sir. Well, come along.\n\none of you going to be on the charter flight? Bye-bye. Be good. Hey, man, watch it. Whoa. Hey, man, it's me, Bart Simpson. Okay, kid, let's go. Hey! But the weeds, birds in the trees seem to... La la la la, la la la la la, ooh la la. How much longer, sir? This is where we're going, right? Chatou, my son. Ah, Maurice. As soon as the American boy arrives, your slave games are over. Ooh, what a dump.\n\nYou know, in Albania, the unit of currency is called the lek. You gotta be kidding. The lek. And the national flag is a two-headed eagle on a red field. Give me the old stars and stripes. And the main export is furious political thought. Political what? Welcome to your new home. Escape is impossible. My name is Cesar. This is my nephew, Huguelin. You may find life here at the Chateau Horde, but if you shut up and do exactly what we say, the time will pass more quickly.\n\nHe's right, you know. Well, okay, sir. A deal? Mother? Well, I guess for the next few months, yes, I will be your mother. Caesar, look, we're rich! They're too small, but we can sell them. Look, Maurice, a little red hat for you. Sorry, man. Be my guest. You may find his accent peculiar. Certain aspects of his culture may seem absurd, perhaps even offensive. But I urge you all to give little ado the benefit of the doubt.\n\nIn this way, and only in this way, can we hope to better understand our backward neighbors throughout the world. Thank you, Principal Skinner. Thank you, fellow students. Hello, students. Although I have only been in your country a few days, I have already found Americans to be most trusting. Although officially I am required to hate you, I want you to know I do not feel it in my heart. Hurry up, boys.\n\nMy grapes are waiting for their water. for their water. How can you defend a country where 5% of the people control 95% of the world? I'm defending a country where people can think and act and worship any way they want. Cannot. Can too. Please, please, kids, stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being a land of opportunity, and maybe a deal has a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.\n\nYour father is right. We should not fight, friends. Well, okay. Well, now that that's settled, I'll just clear the dishes. No, no, Mrs. Simpson. You have been oppressed enough for today. I will clear the dishes. Oh, okay. Did you see that? You know, Marge, this is the way I've always wanted it to be. We've become a fully functioning family unit. We've always blamed ourselves. We've always blamed ourselves, but I guess it's pretty clear which cylinder wasn't firing.\n\nHomer! Your paper-thin commitment to your children sends shivers down my spine. May I be excused? Lisa! No, she's just jealous. She'll get over it. And if she doesn't, we can always exchange her. Homer! Just kidding. Allez, bon, cette chance-ci. Oui, très. Passe-moi le vin. Can I have something to go with my turnip? Quiet! When you work like a man, we will feed you like one. Now go to sleep. Hey, hey.\n\nCome on. Move it, pal. You leave Maurice alone. The floor is good enough for you. You go to sleep there. Yes, thank you, Father. Look, Adil, you can call me Dad. All right, Dad. Aw, you called me Dad. Dad, do you think I could come visit you at the nuclear power plant? You want to see where I work? Oh, yes, very much. None of my biological kids ever wanted to see me at work. Then I can go? Well, I'll have to pull a few strings with the boys in security.\n\nBut sure, you bet. Excellent. Now, watch me. You grab the grape between your thumb and forefinger and gently twist it off and wrap it in the bucket. Now you do it. Very good. Now, do it a million times. See these? American donuts. Glazed, powdered and raspberry filled. Now how's that for freedom of choice? Dad, do you think I might see your plutonium isolation module? Uh, maybe. Hold on a second. Hey, Lenny.\n\nDoes this place have one of those plutonium isolation deals? Yeah, over in sector 12. Sector 12? Third floor, by the candy machines. Oh, that's sector 12. Come along, a deal. Ungrateful swine! We give you food, we give you shelter, and this is how you repay us! You little shutterbug. Cheese! Oh, wait a minute. Stupid grapes. Bunch of creeps. I hate France. I sure have taken a shine to little Adil.\n\nWell, he sure makes life a lot easier around here, you have to admit that. Well, okay, I will. If you admit you love Bart. Okay, okay, I love Bart. Well? What? Adil's a very sweet boy. Darn tootin'. I can't sound China Dear Bart, how is France? I don't know why you haven't written. I guess you're just having too much fun. Oh, yeah, right. Silence! Everyone here in the United States is fine. We think Maggie may say her first word any day now.\n\nLisa got an A in math, which I'm only mentioning as news I'm not putting you down. Only mentioning his news, I'm not putting you down. And your father, well, last night he went to sleep talking about how much he loves you. Remember to dress warm and try to be as helpful as you can to your adopted parents. All my love, Mom. Ah, I think this will be our best cover. But the wine only fermented for three days.\n\nI feel my faith in the weak supreme forces. I always think of the miracle of antifreeze. If we put too much, of course, it's poison. But in the desired proportions, it gives raw wine. I'm going to kill you if you put too much. You're going to kill someone with that. Kill someone? You're crazy. Right, now and then. Yeah, but it's got antifreeze in there. Drink it! Oh, Bart! Excuse me, I don't speak English.\n\nHere, little boy, here's a candy. I'm sorry, I'd really like to help you. Here I've listened to nothing but French for the past two mois. Honey, I'm home! Oh Homer, what's that? Oh, just some blueprints Adil wanted. I'm telling you, he's such a curious little dickens. I bet he could build a nuclear power plant if he wanted to. All right, Sparrow, we know you're in there. We'll give you one minute to surrender.\n\nOh my! minute to surrender. Ooh, trouble in the neighborhood. Let's check it out. I'm his neighbor. What'd he do? Well, sir, we've been on the trail of a spy transmitting highly confidential information to an unfriendly nation. Through the use of radio triangulation, we tracked him to exactly this point. Wow. That's all I can tell you. All right, well, the name of his country starts with the letter A.\n\nTime's up, Sparrow. We're coming in after you. Oh, gee whiz. A deal would get a kick out of seeing this. A deal? Sparrow. Oh, there you are. Get him. Eh ben maintenant, vous ferez votre vin en prison. C'est l'or, les prisons! - So he's going to prison? - No. We've arranged an exchange for one of our own men caught in Albania. - So, Sparrow, we meet again. - Yes. Sometimes I think I am getting too old for this game.\n\n- Yes, sometimes I think I am getting too old for this game. - Okay, kids, let's hurry it up. - Goodbye, Simpsons. Thank you for your hospitality. I hope this experience will not sour you on the student exchange program. - Bye, Adil. - Bye, have a nice trip. - Goodbye, Adil. I'll send you those civil defense plans you wanted. - Air France flight Dix-Neuf-Saul, Catrevin Week, Paris to Springfield is now arriving.\n\nLook, Mom! There he is! Oh, Bart! My baby boy! Hey, where's the big guy? He beat me. Hey, boy. Hey, Homer. He brought us gifts. His first unselfish act. So, basically, I met one nice French person. Bart, I have something to say that's gonna bother me if I don't say it. It's good to see you. Same here. I love a glass of that wine Bart brought us. Sorry, Marge. Some wise guy stuck a cork in a bottle. Oh, mon père. Quel buffon. You hear that, Marge? My boy speaks French. Thank you. ¶¶ Shh.\n\nLook, Mom! There he is! Oh, Bart! My baby boy! Hey, where's the big guy? He beat me. Hey, boy. Hey, Homer. He brought us gifts. His first unselfish act. So, basically, I met one nice French person. Bart, I have something to say that's gonna bother me if I don't say it. It's good to see you. Same here. I love a glass of that wine Bart brought us. Sorry, Marge. Some wise guy stuck a cork in a bottle. Oh, mon père. Quel buffon. You hear that, Marge? My boy speaks French. Thank you. ¶¶ Shh."
+}

S01E12. Krusty Gets Busted.json

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+{
+  "text": "The Simpsons Shhhhhhh! Woo! Hey kids, who do you love? Us, me! How much do you love me? With all our hearts! What would you do if I went off the air? We'd kill ourselves! - We kill ourselves! - What's that, Sideshow Bob? This is Britney, and today's her birthday? Well, happy birthday, Britney. How do you want to celebrate? Do you want me to sing you a birthday song? Or do you want me to shoot Sideshow Bob out of a cannon?\n\nThe cannon! Sorry, Sideshow Bob, but it's her special birthday wish. Bullets are special birthday wish. I'm a doomside show, Bob. I know we haven't had much luck shooting you out of this cannon, but maybe that's because we haven't used enough gunpowder. Whitney, do the honors. Don't blame me. Don't play me! I didn't do it! Comedy, thy name is Krusty. Hey kids, it's time for Itchy and Scratchy! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Wait a minute.\n\nWhy? Patty and Selma are coming over to show us slides from their trip to the Yucatan. - - Anybody home? Ooh, I've got to go, Homer. My sisters are here. Ooh, egg carousels. We're in for a real treat. Boo! Hello, steady customer. How are you this evening, sir? How you doing, Appu? Chocolate. Double chocolate. New flavor, triple chocolate. Perhaps a little something for the trip back to the cash register.\n\nWhat's the matter, sir? Never have I seen you look so unhappy while purchasing such a large quantity of ice cream. The reason I look unhappy is that tonight I have to see a slideshow starring my wife's sisters. Or as I call them, the gruesome twosome. my wife's sisters or as i call them the gruesome twosome ow my you lousy stupid sorry pal hand over all your money in a paper bag yes yes i know the procedure for armed robbery i do work in a convenience store you know you can emerge now from my cheeps the opportunity to prove yourself a hero is long gone The opportunity to prove yourself a hero is long gone.\n\nThis is our tour group. This is a Mexican delicacy called a taco platter. Delicious. This is Selma taking a siesta. My carumba. And he had a big nose. No, bigger. And big red hair that came out to... Yeah, yeah, like that. Well, it is a simple charcoal rendering, but is this the man? Yeah. Wait a minute. But, uh, is this the man? It's the guy from TV! My kid's hero! Cruddy, crummy, Fretty the Clown!\n\nHey, hey, what's going on here? Crushy the Clown, you're under arrest for armed robbery. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. What is this, a joke? Ready, Mr. Simpson? Yes, sir. Send in the clowns. So, Simpson, which one is it? Well, if the crime is making me laugh, they're all guilty. No, no. Which one is the robber? Oh, definitely number...\n\nSimpson. And this is all the mail that awaited us upon our return. And this is Selma dropping off our vacation film to be developed. Thus concludes our Mexican odyssey. Hmm. Very thorough. I'm home, everybody. Goody gumdrop. You missed the whole slideshow, Homer. Oh, fantastic. Marge, you're never gonna believe what happened. I was down at the quickie mart, minding my own business when... Ooh, ooh, ooh!\n\nThe news! Springfield, number one news team, with our Emmy award-winning anchorman, Kent Brockman. Number one news team with our Emmy award-winning anchorman, Kent Brockman. Good evening. I'm Scott Christian. Kent Brockman is off tonight. Why did the clown cross the road? To rob a quickie mark. The news story behind that enigmatic half-joke right after this commercial message. Wait a minute. Bart, you know that guy in your lunchbox?\n\nOh, you mean Krusty the Clown? He's sort of a hero of yours, isn't he? Are you kidding? He's my idol. I've based my whole life on Krusty's teachings. So, uh, maybe you'd better run off to bed. teaching. So, uh, maybe you better run off to bed. Crusty the Clown is behind bars tonight after a daring twilight robbery of a local quickie mart. Crusty! Oh, no! Oh, earlier this evening, the Springfield SWAT team apprehended the TV Clown, who appears on a rival station opposite our own Emmy Award winning Hobo Hank.\n\nAnd just in, actual footage of the crime taken with a quickie mart security camera. The reason I look unhappy is that tonight I have to see a slideshow starring my wife's sisters. Or as I call them, the gruesome twosome. So, the truth comes out. And over all your money in a paper bag. Oh, Crusty, how could you? You know it looks very bad, honey. Who knows, maybe it'll turn out he was innocent all along.\n\nI was there. The clown is G-I-L-L-T-Y. You're my best friend. Thanks, Krusty. Buy my cereal. I didn't do it. I wish I could believe you. circus as children of all ages from 8 to 80 hang on each new development like so many Romanian trapeze artists. From his humble beginnings as a street mime in Tupelo, Mississippi, Krusty clowned his way to the top of a personal mini empire with dozens of endorsements, including his own line of pork products.\n\nThis may have led to one of television's best-loved bloopers, Krusty's near-fatal-on-the-air heart attack in 1986. Wasn't that a great itchy and scratchy Catchy cartoon kids. Well, we've got another one coming right up. But first, I gotta hankering for some pork product. Mmm, look. Plump succulent sausage, honey smoked bacon, and glistening, sizzling... No! I'm dying! But a quick triple bypass and a pacemaker later, Krusty bounced back.\n\nHowever, he was a changed clown. Where his show had been condemned by parents and educators alike as simple-minded TV mayhem, this new Krusty devoted a small portion of every show to stamping out illiteracy in today's anything-for-a-thrill youth. Give a hoot, read a book. Krusty's arrest has sent shockwaves through Springfield, packing its churches, synagogues, and mosques with disillusioned citizenry from all walks of life.\n\nI urge every halfway decent member of our community to gather up all merchandise that bears the likeness of Krusty, that clown prince of corruption, and join me in a public burning! So, is Krusty the Clown about to trade in his baggy pants for the relatively snug uniform of Springfield Penitentiary? We'll find out tomorrow when his trial begins. What kind of gun did you use? - A Kruppress. - We're bleeding Saturday.\n\nLook at him. His clothes are so drab. His face is so flesh-colored and sad. And his feet. They're so small. Say it ain't so, Krusty. My client has no confidence in time. I didn't do it. Krusty the Clown, how do you plead? I plead guilty, Your Honor. I'm not guilty. Opening night jitters, Your Honor. I would like to call to the stand Homer G. Simpson. Don't do it, Dad. Please don't do it. Sorry, son.\n\nYou'll understand one day. He's innocent, I tell you. Krusty would never do something like that. Oh, come on, Dad. You've got to listen to me. Oh, come on, Daddy, listen to me. Sorry, pal. Mr. Simpson, was that you taking that cowardly dive into that display of heavily salted snack treats? Yes, sir. Do you recognize the gunman in this courtroom today? Yes, I do. Fine. Would you point him out to us?\n\nOkay. Oh, man. Let the record show that the witness eventually pointed to Krusty the Clown. These toys are just adorable. Who'd have guessed they were inspired by an insane criminal genius? by an insane criminal genius. But, Dad, we're giving in to mob mentality. No, I'm not. I'm hopping on the bandwagon. Now, come on, son, get with the winning team. Hey, right here, crispy souvenirs. Buy 'em and burn 'em.\n\nRight here. Good people. I'm so happy you're all here tonight. But please, just a few words of caution. Now, we are going to set this pile of evil ablaze. But because these are children's toys, the fire will spread quickly. So please stand back and try not to inhale the toxic fumes. Grassy, would you please turn your attention to Exhibit B? Tell me what you see. Uh, um, which one do you mean? The one with the big B on it.\n\nUh, uh, uh... What's the matter? Can't you read? No, I can't! I can't read or write! I admit it! I'm totally illiterate. Now, are you happy? Can it be that the champion of child literacy can't even read himself? Is it a crime to be illiterate? All right, all right. See this, Krusty? This is a B. And this is Exhibit B. Betting slips obtained by this court indicating you have lost substantial sums of money on sports gambling.\n\nIs it a crime to bet on sporting events? Yes, it is! Oh. Foreperson, have you reached a verdict? Yes, we have, your honor. We find the defendant, Krusty the Clown......guilty. I knew it! This happens to me every time! My young friends, for years I have been silent, save for the crude glissandos of this primitive wind instrument. But now destiny has thrust me into the center ring. In the coming weeks, you will notice some rather sweeping changes in our program.\n\nPlease do not be alarmed. Itchy and scratchy, we'll still have a home here. and scratchy. We'll still have a home here, but we will also learn about nutrition, self-esteem, etiquette, and all the lively arts. What the hell are you doing, Lisa? I'm watching Sideshow Bob. You know, he's a lot less patronizing than Krusty used to be. You backstabber, you traitor, you... Snap out of it, Bart. Face the facts.\n\nAll those hours we spent staring at Krusty, we were staring at a crook. Look, Lisa, I know Krusty's innocent. Don't ask me why. It's just a feeling I have. Oh, Bart. Come on, Lisa. I think I can prove Krusty's innocent, but I need your help. You do? Why? Well, come on, Lisa. You know why. No, why? I'll never forgive you for making me say this, but you're smarter than me. So, you with me? Yeah, man.\n\nOkay, okay. Don't try anything funny. I'm on to the tea. Try anything funny. I'm on to the T. Bart, look! Over here on the microwave. So? I don't have a pacemaker. Come on, Bart. The tape showed that the robber heated up a burrito. Don't you remember the get well card we sent to Krusty? It was after his heart attack, when he had a pacemaker put in. Uh-huh. Wait a minute. Krusty can't read. Okay, okay.\n\nSo the poor guy can't read. Can't we get off his back already? No, don't you get it, Bart? How could Krusty have been reading a magazine if he can't read? Hey, hey, this is not a lending library. If you're not going to buy that thing, put it down or I'll blow your heads off. Bart, I'm starting to think you're right. Krusty was framed. Did he have any enemies? I don't know. But I know someone who would.\n\nKrusty's best friend in the whole world. Sideshow Bob. Joe Bob? A volley of musketry flamed, thundered, roared. A profound silence followed, broken only by the approaching footsteps of the third brigade. Next week, Chapter 35 of The Man in the Iron Mask. The Death of a Titan. Well, kids, that's our show for today. And now, in the words of Mr. Coldwater, every time we say Every time we say goodbye, I die a little.\n\nEvery time we say goodbye, I wonder why a little. Every time we say goodbye. Goodbye. Great show, Sideshow. Switchboards were jammed. The kids loved it. Thanks, Dad. I'm glad we finally dispelled the myth that I'm too uptown for the tots. I've expelled the myth that I'm too uptown for the tots. And yet I can't help thinking about poor Krusty. We see your face on kitchens. And water-action panels. And snow domes.\n\nThis is all very exciting. But I think we'd do well to explore the more upscale market. For instance, Sideshow Bob limited edition prints, collector's plates, commemorative coins. Ah. Oh, some kids are here to see you, Sideshow Bob. They say it's important. Well, we can sign these contracts tomorrow. Certainly. I take great pride in being able to sign my own name. That's a good one. I've got a fellow one.\n\nHi, Sideshow Bob. Sideshow Bob, can we ask if you... Forgive me, children. As much as Sideshow Bob would love to chat, he has a show starting in moments. Here you go, three tickets. Tonight Show Bob would love to chat. He has a show starting in moments. Be my guest. Uh, okay, but... Come, come, let's run along. Hello, children. Whom do you love? Tonight Show Bob! Come on, Bart, go with the flow. How much do you love me?\n\nWith all of our hearts! About a zillionth as much as I love Krusty. Today's show promises to be a marvelous celebration of the human spirit. But first, I regret to say I see a youngster who looks troubled. What's your name, young man? Bart Simpson, sir. Hmm. Well, perhaps we can shed some light on your problem in a new segment exploring pre-adolescent turmoil. I call it Choices. I don't think so, sir.\n\nBart, I'm reaching out to you. Oh! So what's on your mind, Bart? I bet the other children don't accept you. True side show, Bob, but that doesn't bother me. True, Sideshow Bob, but that doesn't bother me. You see, my sisters and I have been doing a little investigating, and it looks to us like Krusty was framed. Framed? Well, the videotape showed that the thief used the microwave oven at the Quickie Mart, but Krusty couldn't go near the thing, not with his pacemaker.\n\nWell, you know, Bert, as much as I love Krusty, he was never one to take doctor's orders too seriously. Well, maybe. But get this. Krusty was illiterate, and the guy who robbed the store was reading the Springfield Review of Books. Ah, well, Bart. The fact is you don't have to be able to read to enjoy the Springfield Review of Books. Just look at these amusing caricatures of Gore Vidal and Susan Sontag.\n\nUh-huh. Yeah. I guess those are kind of funny. Bart, children, this whole sordid affair has been a shock to all of us, but we must get on with our lives. Let's try to remember Krusty not as a hardened criminal, but as that lovable jester who honked his horn and parted around in his little car. And shot you out of a cannon. And shot me out of a cannon. Yes, we will never forget that, will we? Bart, open your heart.\n\nI admit I have some mighty big shoes to fill. Big shoes to fill. Big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, - Kid's right.\n\n- How do you figure we missed that? Get off your desk, boys. Get out of that studio. Yes, I admit it. I hated him. His hackneyed shenanigans robbed me of my dignity for years. I played the buffoon while he squandered a fortune on his vulgar appetites. That's why I framed Krusty. I would have gotten away with it too if it went for these meddling kids. Take him away, boys. that went for these meddling kids.\n\nTake them away, boys. Treat kids as equals! They're people, too! They're smarter than you think! They were smart enough to get me! Well, we made a terrible, terrible mistake. Uh, won't happen again. It better not, you dimwit! Frosty, I'm mad enough to admit I was wrong, and I'm sorry I fingered you in court. I sincerely hope that the horrible stories I heard about what goes on in prison are exaggerated.\n\nWell, the important thing is that I regained the trust of the children. But there was one boy who trusted me all along. Bart? Yes, sir? Thank you. ♪ ♪ ¶¶ Shh."
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S01E13. Some Enchanted Evening.json

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+  "text": "The Simpsons *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squeaky* *Squey Ah And now to our own pie in the sky, Bill Pye in the KBBL traffic copter.\n\nSo come on in, Bill. Bad news, drivers. There's an overturned melon truck on the interstate. Oh, it's a mess. There's lots of rubbernecking and melon rustling going on, so expect to like... Hey, boomers! We're coming special lunches I made Well, Maggie, it's just you and me again. we invite you to call our therapist of the airwaves, Dr. Marvin Monroe. Our number is 555-PAIN. Don't be afraid. Call now.\n\nHello. I'd like to talk to Dr. Monroe. First name, age, problem? I'm Marge, 34, and my problem is my husband. He doesn't listen to me. He doesn't appreciate me. I don't know how much more of this I could... Hey, lady, save your whining for when you're on the air, okay? Okay, let's see. Next we have Marge. She's 34 and trapped in a loveless sham of a marriage. Hey, turn it up. I love hearing those wackos.\n\nTell me about your husband, Marge. Well, when we were dating, he was sweeter and more romantic and 40 pounds thinner and he had hair and he ate with utensils. and he had hair, and he ate with utensils. What was that last thing you said? Hey, isn't that your wife, Homer? Don't be ridiculous. My wife worships the ground I walk on. Marge, it's what I call harsh reality time. Your husband sees you as nothing.\n\nOh, okay. Well, thank you. No, no, no, don't hang up. The pig has made you into his mother. You are not the hot love object you deserve to be. Really? I'm as sure of it as I'm sure my voice is annoying. Marge, tonight, the second he comes through that front door, you've got to tell him you're fed up. And if he doesn't start loving, you will be leaving. Leave home? Please, don't use his real name. Leave Pedro?\n\nCan you be that honest, Marge? Yeah. You'll tell when he comes home from work. Say it like you mean it. Oh, come on, Bart, not again. Oh, where's your sense of humor? Most haven't. Hello, is Al there? Al? Yeah, Al. Last name, alcoholic? Let me check. Phone call for Al. Alcoholic. Is there an alcoholic here? Wait a minute. Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass. If I ever find out who you are, I'll kill you.\n\nI hope you do find that punk someday, Mo. Fill her up. Is everything okay, Homer? Usually you have a quick one, some peanuts, a hunk of beef jerky, a couple pickled eggs, and you're out of here. Let's just say I don't feel like going home tonight. Jar, please. jar please you might say that my wife's gonna leave because she thinks I'm a pig what hey Barney am I a pig no see you're a pig Barney's a pig Larry's a pig we're all Bonnie's a pig, Larry's a pig.\n\nWe're all pigs. Except for one difference. Once in a while, we can crawl out of the slop, hose ourselves off and act like human beings. Homer, buy your wife some flowers and take her out for a night on the town. Candles, tablecloth, the whole nine yards. Gee, a romantic evening. Nah, she's too smart to fall for that. I'm not done. After dinner, the two of you are going to check in After dinner, the two of you are going to check into the fanciest motel in town and not check out until the next morning, if you get my drift.\n\nI read you loud and clear. Wow, a quarter past six. What's keeping Dad? Yeah, who'd possibly be late on meatloaf night? I'd like some flowers. What kind of flowers? You know, pretty ones, not dead. Uh, you know, pretty ones, not dead. Well, we have some beautiful long-stem roses. They're $55 a dozen. One piece. Hey, Mom! How about some grub? Yeah! Your husband sees you as nothing. A pig has made you into his mother.\n\nYou are not the hot, love object you deserve. Marge, I, uh... Love you. Marge, honey, I love you. Oh, Marge, I love you, baby. Marge, sweetie, honey, this will never work. I love you, Marjorie. I love you, too. Mwah! A little pre-dinner entertainment. - Most heaven. - Is Oliver there? - Who? - Oliver, close off. Oh, darn, I'll check. Call for Oliver Crosdore! And I made reservations at the Chesperie.\n\nBut, Homer, it's so expensive. It matters not, mon frere. And after desserts, we'll adjourn to our second-floor room at the off-ramp inn. - Oh, ho, ho, ho. I feel giddy. Wait, what about a babysitter? - Oops. - Not to worry. - Listen, you lousy bum, if I ever get a hold of you, I swear I'll cut your belly open. - Goodness, must be a crossed wire. - - Puppababybuggybumper babysitting service. - This is Marge Simpson.\n\nI'd like a babysitter for the evening. - Wait a minute. The Simpsons? Lady, you've got to be kidding. Rubber baby buggy bumper babysitting service. Hello, this is Mr. Samson. Did your wife just call a second ago? No, I said Samson, not Simpson. Thank God. Those Simpsons. What a bunch of savages. Especially that big ape father. Actually, the Simpsons are neighbors of ours, and we found them to be a quite misunderstood and underrated family.\n\nMom, you look so glamorous. Well, tonight is a very special night. Your father is taking me out for dinner and dancing. Dad dances? Like an angel. Look at that body, Homer. You know, one day you'll learn to move like your old man. Not if I can help it. Son, there's not a woman alive who can resist a man who knows how to mumbo. You don't have a clue, do you, Dad? Out, boy. Ouch! What a grump. Smooth as a baby's behind.\n\nPrecious, I think I hear the doorbell. I think you're right, Dumplin'. Bart, get the door! Aye, aye, Mambo Man. You must be the babysitter. Yes, I am, Ms. Botts. Well, just don't stand there, boy. Help Ms. Botts with her suitcases. I can handle my own luggage. Thank you for coming on such short notice, Ms. Botts. Here are the phone numbers of the restaurant where we'll be dining and the motel where we'll be spending the night.\n\nYou'll have to put Maggie to bed now, but Bart and Lisa can stay up for another hour. Until then, they can watch a tape from our video office. stay up for another hour. Until then, they can watch a tape from our video library. Oh, boy! The happy little elves meet the curious bear cow. Oh, the elves, the elves. Hi, kids. Watch out for the boy. Bye now. Be good. Gotta go. Papa, papa, papa, papa, papa, papa.\n\nCome, children, let's go watch the happy little elves. Look, lady, we've seen the crappy little elves about 14 billion times. Maybe we can watch some real TV. I said we're gonna watch the tape. That's merely suggested viewing matter lady. Mom lets us watch whatever the hell we want. I said you're gonna watch this tape and you're gonna do what I say or I'm gonna do something to you. And I don't know what that is because everybody has always done what I say.\n\nThey all look so tasty, but I think I'll eat this one right there. Why don't you pick one that's a little more frisky, sir? Why? Well, when you choose one that's floating upside down, it somewhat defeats the purpose of selecting a live lobster. Oh, okay. Then I'll take that one there with the beady eyes. Excellent choice, sir. May I lead you to your table? Oui, oui. After you. - Can I leave you to your table?\n\nAnd I'll be seeing you later. Help! Faster! We gotta save Bubbles! Oh, man, I can't take it anymore. - But I wanna see what happens. - You know what happens. They find Captain Cook's treasure. All the elves dance around like little green idiots. I puke the end. Bart, you're just like Chewie, the elf we cannot love. Now for some real TV. All right! America's most armed and dangerous! Oh, no, Bart! We'll have nightmares!\n\nRelax. This is cinema verite. When the brutal slow-motion killing starts, I'll tell you to shut your eyes. The Q-Ball Killer should be considered extremely armed and dangerous. If you think you've seen him, call 1-800-U-SQUEAL. Homer, you look just like a little boy. 'Cause I'm so carefree? No, because you're wearing a beard. - - More champagne? Whoops. Time for a fill-up. Garçon? Another bottle of your second-least expensive champagne.\n\nThe defenseless youngsters were tied up and gagged in the living room, while the bandit roamed through the house at will, stealing the valuable objects it took the family a lifetime to shop for. You know, Marge, this is just like when we were dating. Except for one thing. No chaperone. Who? The babysitter bandit has left a trail of her daring nighttime robberies across the continental United States.\n\nShe could be lurking anywhere, about to descend upon another house full of unsuspecting doofus. Eww. Clever alias. And should be considered armed and dangerous. Run for it! 1-800-U-SNITCH! No, U-SQUEAL! Oh, no! Don't forget to tell me when you see the off ramp. Oh, there it... went. No problemo. We'll just get off at the next exit. Bart? Hmm. Time to brush your teeth, wash your face, and say your prayers.\n\nAre you in here? Oh. Oh, homemade pickled beets. Go ahead, take them all. Seeing as no one was hurt, I think it would be really silly to dwell on this. Come on, come on. Finally! Hello, vigilant viewer. You have reached America's most armed and dangerous. I'm calling to report the babysitter bandit. She's in our house right... Come on, Marge. Let me carry you over the threshold. Okay, but watch out.\n\nDon't slam my head like last time. Sheesh! 11 years ago and you'd never forgotten it. Don't muss my hair. Oh! Oh We know who you are, Ms. Botts. Or should I say Ms. Botts-Ukalski. You're the babysitter bandit. You're a smart young man, Bart. I hope you're smart enough to keep your mouth shut. He isn't. You're crazy to think you're gonna get away with this, lady. You can't... I'm really not a bad person.\n\nHere, while I finish up, you guys can watch the rest of your favorite video cassette. Quiet, Bart. Let's make the best of this. best of this. Maybe I'll go slip into something a little more comfortable. Oh, your blue thing with the things? You'll see. Well, shake a leg, Mama. Kids stuff. Hardly worth it. Lot of junk. Soils. Stupid Sampson's. Come here. Maggie, wanna watch the happy little elves again?\n\nOkay, but you have to untie me first. Oh, huh? Oh, so you got out of your crib. I guess you need to be tied up, too. Maggie, where are you? Maggie? Homer, would it spoil the mood if I called home? You know, just to check on the kids? Homer, wake up! There's no answer at home. So? So I'm worried. I think we should go home. All right, I suppose my work here is done. Hello, vigilant viewer. How may we help you?\n\nWe caught her! We caught the babysitter Bennett. She's tied up at our house right now. Ask if there's a reward. Is there a reward? - Let's see if there's a reward. - If she's convicted, we get T-shirts. - Yeah! - How come all the lights are on? - I don't like the looks of this. - Miss Potts! - Good Lord! What have those little hellions done now? We're so sorry. - Please turn off the TV. - I can't tell you how chagrined we are about all of this.\n\n- Oh, these things are heavy. Just so there's no hard feelings, here's double your pay. No, no, triple. - Thank you. Mr. Sampson, can I give you a bit of advice? - Sure. - Don't turn your back on that boy for a second. - Ain't that the truth. You know one time he-- - - Huh? - This way to the scene of the crime, men. I got her tied up in the den. - Just a minute, young man. I don't know what kind of shenanigans you've been pulling this time, but I just had to untie your babysitter and pay her off so that...\n\nExcuse me, sir, are you saying to the world that you just aided and abetted the escape of the notorious babysitter bandit? The what? The babysitter bandit. Oh, uh, are you sure this microphone works? Oh, well, uh, I wouldn't say I aided her. This is on, right? Because actually it was quite a struggle. Oh, Homer. Have you ever seen a kung fu movie? It was just like that. But now I know her moves. So if you're listening to me, lady, you'd better think long and hard before trying something like this on Homer Simpson again.\n\nLord help me, I'm just not that bright. Oh, Homer, don't say that. The way I see it, if you raise three children who can knock out and hogtie a perfect stranger, you must be doing something, right? Yeah. Mwah! Honey, can we make up again? Oh, my goodness. ¶¶ Shh."
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