question_id,question_text,final_labels
Question 1,"Title: Ex spreading rumours, turned a close neighbour friend against me and the whole street. I have to live here for another 3 months

Text: I recently was successful at getting back into my home after almost becoming homeless.

I have a really good relationship with my neighbours and am very close to one in particular who is terminally ill. I would say we are friends and I have been a shoulder to cry on/a source of support to him when he has been socially isolated.

I just found out that my ex has been spreading rumours about me to all the neighbours. One neighbour is having none of it and has been super lovely, but my friend has believed the ex and its breaking my heart

I try so hard to get him out of my head everyday but his abuse has touched every single part of my life and I've had enough... When will this end? Does it get better?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 2,"Title: Ignored by Social Justice Warrior “Friends”

Text: I was assaulted and strangled by my husband on March 31st. This was the first time he’d ever hit me, although he was probably emotionally and verbally abusive. A difference I see between my situation and many others is he immediately wanted to get divorced and for me and my daughter to move away, which now makes sense because he wanted to control the narrative and how many people found out about it. He told me he didn’t love me and didn’t want me, so on top of the assault I felt complete rejection. I’m glad on some level, because I didn’t have the option to stay and put up with more abuse, but it still hurts and makes me feel alone as a survivor. 
We lived in a town of 1000 people, I was a hairstylist for many of the people there and very active in the community. We were both from a different city where we knew even more mutual people. We have about 130 mutual friends on Facebook and many more in the small town. After I was able to get what I needed from him in our separation agreement and move to my mother’s, I posted a carefully written statement about my experience on social media. I also personally told many people in our community of friends, and my many clients who wanted to know where I was and when they could get a haircut. I had a huge response, people writing support and telling their own stories. It was really incredible. But the dust has settled and there are many people who never said a word, or acknowledged what happened. They continue to support him, or they say nothing at all. 
Our group of friends is one I would have considered violence-intolerant. They post about me too and believing women, they are liberal and outspoken. But when I went public a lot of them stayed silent. Now they’re posting about police brutality, specifically George Floyd. I watched the video of what happened to him and was triggered into a panic attack, remembering what it was like to not be able to breathe. I’m just as angry about what is happening to black people in America, and I never want to compare my experience, but isn’t it comparable? Isn’t women being abused by men as prevalent as people of color being abused by law enforcement? And I mean this on a very personal level, not just a global one. Why are these people posting constantly about the injustice of what happened to George Floyd, and staying silent about what happened to me? 
I’m so angry and I don’t have anywhere to put it. I posted two things to my IG story yesterday pretty much saying what I’ve said here, but regretted it and took them down. I need support in this and my poor friends are so fatigued, I feel horrible for them. They empathize but can’t relate to what it’s like to be beaten and strangled, kicked out of your home with your child in a pandemic, and to speak out about it and be ignored. I know I’m focusing on the people ignoring me rather than the supportive ones, but it’s like a knife in my heart. This liberal “woke” group of people will speak up for someone they don’t know, but when their voice will actually have an impact they’re silent. And he’ll get away with this and never be held accountable by anyone and I’m sitting here with this horrible pain. 
I don’t know what I need from this group but I’m glad to at least have a place to share this sadness and frustration.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_past
Question 3,"Title: Im so stuck.

Text: Last night, we got into a huge argument, (again), and he threw our dinner down with force onto the bed. Luckily it was all wrapped up otherwise it would of gone everywhere (fish n chips). The night bfore, he hit something out in the shed and threw stuff around. It scares the absolute poop out of me, because i never know if im next (he hasnt been physical violent to me for over 10yrs).

Then this morning, he gives me extra hugs and kisses, and whispers in my ear that he loves me (he has never done the whisper thing before), before saying he loves me out loud in the doorway (our usual thing for when he goes to work). 

I hate it. It makes me feel trapped. Last night, when we were arguing, im like finally, hes going to just go, and give us up, but then this morning hes back sooking up and making things hard again.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_ongoing
Question 4,"Title: My husband told me he would beat me to a pulp right in front of our daughter if I called the cops on him

Text: He hasn't so much as grabbed me in over a year. He started drinking whiskey and he went out and we got into a fight over the phone he made me so mad I locked the doors knowing he didnt have a key. I wasnt planning on keeping him locked out I just wanted him to know when he got home how mad I was. 

He responded by trying to kick down the door so that the latch mechanism broke before I could even get downstairs to let him in. Then I unlocked the other door for him and he came in and cornered me in the kitchen screaming in my face and then he punch the refrigerator door right above my head but also punched down on my head so hard that my spine was compressed. 

He came upstairs and told our daughter that we were getting divorced and she started crying then he said mockingly that he was gonna get to see her as much as he wanted. I was still so mad I said I would call the police and tell them what he did and he said if he saw blue lights he would come up stairs and beat me until they pulled him off of me. And he said if I got a restraining order he would kill me.

My family is ruined all in one night because I locked the door. My daughter is going to need therapy.

I'm heart broken

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_ongoing
Question 5,"Title: Am I being abused, or am I the abuser?

Text: Hi Reddit. I’m stuck in a bad situation with someone I love.

To give some backstory, we are in our mid twenties together almost 2 years and moved in together for around 8 months.

We had some rough patches in our relationship, I was often impatient and didn’t listen much to her feelings. 

Things have gotten better over the last few months though, and especially the past month was like amazing!

But, a few days ago she suddenly snapped. We were complaining about our rough days at work, when suddenly she got very short. I asked what was wrong, assured her I love her and she can talk about her feelings. And she sort of snapped. A very long tirade lots of screaming lots of name calling, saying things that genuinely aren’t true, and rejecting truth. I spent hours being kind, telling her I love her, and trying to hear her.

But it didn’t stop. It continued through the night, she never came home, and into the next day. I spent almost all of this time continuing to be nice, just asking her not to yell so we can talk. 

She came home that morning very angry still and even started packing her bags to move out. I tried to talk to her nicely, tell her I love her and we didn’t need to fight like this. That’s when she hit me. She slapped at my arms and chest, hitting me with her bags. For the sake of full honesty, this is when I finally started getting angry back. I started arguing with her, she went to the bathroom and I followed. I was standing in the doorway arguing when she punched me.

Having been hit, I was like flabber gasted and so angry. I started screaming. Now we are following each other around our apartment yelling at each other. Eventually she punched me again. We argue until she storms out

Now, it continues. She is messaging me for hours berating me saying terrible things, I don’t get mean again I just beg her to stop.

The another day. Day three. She finally calmly down a little, and asks me to go on a date with her far from home. I’m not sure, for obviously reasons, I tell her I don’t know but I will try. Then she snaps again and screams, blocks my number. Then she ignored me for ten hours, eventually messaging me again to begin to berate me again. I eventually lose it again, and say terrible things. I threaten to show her coworkers what she did (they were out drinking together at 1am at the time). I know that was a terrible thing to say, but I felt so desperate to make her stop.

I feel like she’s abusing me, but at this point I feel like I don’t know. She makes up reasons to defend how she treats me. Does her being explosive justify my terrible reactions at all? Who’s making this endless cycle revolve?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_ongoing
Question 6,"Title: Help

Text: Has anyone ever moved states from their abuser? Just dropped everything and left? Can anyone give me any advise?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 7,"Title: How do you deal with the guilt of getting an abuser arrested?

Text: I (f25) have been living with my roommate (m29) for 2 years and there has been emotional and physical abuse from the start. I wanted to document the abuse so I did not get financially stuck with the damages to the apartment. I filed a police report and based off of them seeing physical proof of the abuse they legally had to arrest him. I got a TRO because of the backlash I knew would come. My intention was NEVER to get him arrested and I feel so guilty now. There's no taking it back, but I would if I could. Any advice on dealing with the guilt would be greatly appreciated

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_past
Question 8,"Title: Still Bruised

Text: Iys been 7 days since he left. Its been 7 days since I was sober, even now I am drunk. I walk through my own home like I am visitor because so much pain is here. I just want peace. We never just argued. We never just ignored each other. We were never normal.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 9,"Title: people who self harm for attention deserve help (unpopular opinion i guess)

Text: okay so people who self harm for attention, instead of shaming them and giving them hate, lets give them attention. Because if somoene is being neglected (which legally is a form of abuse) to the point where the only time they get attention and a little bit of love is if their hurting themselves, obviously something is right, and they deserve to get help because 1. their still self harming, 2. they are most likely going through some form of abuse 3. obviously something is okay in their life.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 10,"Title: A synopsis of my story and what's next?

Text: The incidents were over a year ago but I still can't shake this feeling that I have about it. It follows me. I can't let it go even though I desperately want to.

I guess it's best to start from the very beginning.

In my freshman year of high school (spring 2019), I met this guy at my school. He invited me over to his table at lunch to play cards with him and our mutual friends. This continued throughout the rest of the school year. That summer, we planned to go to church together. Since that didn't work out, we went to the movies instead. That date raised some red flags, but I didn't think he saw me in that way so I ignored them and moved on. We continued our friendship and card games until the pandemic hit the United States like a sledgehammer.

We reconnected (besides the casual ""happy birthday"" and ""hope you're okay"" texts) in early August over Snapchat. He spilled his guts for me out of the blue one day, telling me how beautiful I was. How smart I was. How humble. How generous. How *sexy*. I never saw myself as sexy, so this hit me like a truck. In the best way possible. At the time, anyway.

Shortly after, he told me that his thoughts of me gave him an ""incident,"" if you catch my drift. I was shocked. I tried to tell him how uncomfortable I was and I tried leaving the conversation. Every time I tried, he begged me to stay and made me feel at fault for what happened. I stayed up with him for over three hours trying to help ""make it go down."" This wasn't the only occasion.

We continued as if it never happened. I, however, couldn't. Not for very long, anyhow. Soon after in September, I confronted him. I told him how involving me in his ""incidents"" made me very uncomfortable. He was taken aback by this, seemingly unaware that you shouldn't say those kinds of things to a girl if you don't want to scare her off. He dodged my bullets of truth, of justice, of begging for some sign of remorse. He showed nothing but defense, trying to leave the conversation by saying that we both need to find answers in the word of God. At that point, I lost my calm composure. I said some very nasty words and blocked him.

I thought that was the end of it. Then the guilt set in. Could I have stopped him? I repeated that question in my head for days. I concluded that I could have at least said something, anything. So I caved in, and unblocked him, and apologized. He accepted my apology and asked to go on a date. I regretfully obliged.

The morning of, I was freaking out. We were going to hike on a trail in the middle of nowhere. I was afraid of what he would try to do. To cover my bases, I kept my phone in my pocket, recording everything. We didn’t speak of the texts and tried to have a good time. He didn’t make any moves, and I was so thankful.

I wondered if I was wrong about him, that if we weren't in isolation he wouldn't have said anything. I still think that last thought a lot. But I know that even if he might not have said a thing, he still said it. I was a child and he was the adult. Still, that guilt is forever there. Everything that happened between us still fucks with me to this day. As I lay in bed writing this post, I think about everything I said that may have led him on, everything that he said that sounded simply perfect.

I never want to call this trauma, but what else can I call it? It's been over a year and it's stuck in my head. And I know that these kinds of things don't go away overnight. I know it takes time to heal and process these things. But I still feel the way I did a year ago. I do wonder often if what I say sounds dramatized and exaggerated, and maybe it is. Some of you maybe can relate to my story. Some of you may have had it much worse, and think that this should have a much smaller effect on me than it does. But it's real to me.

I guess the only thing to ask you Redditers is this: how do I cope? I want to talk to someone about this and work through these thoughts. But there aren't many places I can turn to. **I can't ever tell my parents about what happened.** They'll ask me why I didn't stop him, why I didn't speak up when it happened, why I'm only saying something now. They'll have very little remorse for me. Even past that, they'll look at me like some broken toy. I can't drive, so going to a confessional at a church or a therapist is hard. I could tell someone at school, but I know that my parents will somehow find out. I could call someone but I get nervous about calls. I'm not sure what's left at this point.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","childabuse_endangerment_past,sexualharassment_past"
Question 11,"Title: Just need a friend

Text: i have none

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 12,"Title: consequences? long time sypmtoms

Text: I believe i'm mostly out of this (as out of this shit as one can be anyway) but i've been feeling like my feelings are broken. best friend gets married and I felt nothing. other friend proposes and I felt nothing. Grandma died and I felt nothing. bone dry eyes. has depression broke my feelings center?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 13,"Title: Not sure

Text: I think I'm unapproachable; which doesn't bother me too much with how the dating game is right now...but it kinda sucks. I'm 6'5"" really overweight (which I'm slowly fixing) and pretty sure I got a resting bitch face. Ik I'm not super ugly even though I definitely feel that way, but it would be nice to be approached by someone. Not really sure what else to say.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 14,"Title: 38, hate my life.

Text: I’m 38 with a pretty low paying job that I hate. No friends, no girlfriend, no savings. I have an son who I love but feel like a failure as a father. I just want to quit and be homeless. My parents are well off but offer no assistance. I can’t afford therapy. My meds aren’t working.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 15,"Title: I hate my brain

Text: Always anxious and scared of most people

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 16,"Title: I didn’t get invited to my High School Reunion

Text: I happened to bump into an friend from
High school at the liquor store. After exchanging pleasantries, he asks why I wasn’t at the high school reunion. Took him two seconds to realize why without me saying a word. I just sighed and said it anyway. He apologized, I think because he felt like he made me feel bad. I ended up getting upset when I got home and felt exactly like I did in high school, invisible.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 17,"Title: I know Im going through something, I just dont know how to deal without therapy

Text: So I feel like this might be a place to kinda vent and use this as pseudo therapy. I've been googling and a few things have been clicking. Im just going to tell my story in full and hope to receive some advice. There my be some trigger warnings. I will try my best to make those part of the story easy to digest. If you read the whole thing, Thank you. Im really hoping by just getting some of this off my chest will help. Also this will be a long read and I am not the best speller, so please forgive any errors.

For starters, I was raised by my grandma. Both my parents were drug addicts. My dad was in and out but mostly out. When I was 6 or7 I saw my grandma die right in front of me. We were home alone and she had a heart attack. I was the only other person home. She had fallen to floor before the EMTS could get there. After she died, a my uncle got me and started to raise me. He got married and we up and moved with his new wife and her kids. I remember when I first got there and everyone was under one roof. One of my siblings was scaring me and I hated(well still hate)being scared. I told them that and they kept doing it. So she was chasing me through the house and I was really scared. So when I got to the kitchen I pulled a knife out to protect myself. I honestly felt that scared. Also this was maybe 3 months into living together. My grandma had died and we have left my childhood house and I had a new family all in like under a year.

Growing up with a new family was kinda hard for me. This is where I think a lot of my issued steam from. My uncle was not a very nice person. He wasn't pyshically abusive but he was emotionally. He was wanted me to be ""hard"" to be tough. I wasen't that kinda kid. I perfered hanging with the girls. Playing video games. He would get in my face and grab us by the collar and tell my brother and I to ""Man up!"" However the girls he would treat as sweet as pie. He was very distant and would just make me feel stupid all the time. But how was I to know that wasen't ok? Being black, that is what we kind of expect. But I think he could tell I was gay from a young age and wanted to toughen me up or maybe out of it.

While living there one of my sisters.... ok. wait.. This next part is going to be very hard for me. I have never had to chance to tell my full side of the story. its alittle scary even talking about this because I still feel some guilt over it and the after effects its had on my life still weight on my every day life.

\-----While living there, one of my sisters was abused my someone in her family. She started to make me do things to her. She would come into my bed.... mind you we are children. I think at this time I was maybe 8 when it all started. I know how this may sound and I am not sure if im remembering this part correctly. But in one of the times of the abuse she said to me ""if you want to be apart of this family, you have to do this"" This went on for years.(We will come back to this) I need a little break.

After a couple of years we grew closer as family. I really felt like I had a mom. A few siblings that I liked. The abuser and her bother didnt really like me to much growing up. But the older two, we were extremely close. But we were getting along for the most part. However my uncle and his wife weren't doing so well and sadly they divorced. Even though my uncle was an ass, he was the only blood family I had left. And when he left the house. He left me there. So a few year it was me, his wife and her two kids. At this point we were all in middle school and high school.

I started having trouble in school and that meant trouble at home. My two sibling were both extremely smart. But me? Not so much. I love the social part of school. I was the funny one in class. But my mom(uncle wife) didnt take kindly to poor grades. So I was always on punishment. Its weird, when I write about it.. alot of stuff is blocked out. I just remember a few things. 1. I was ALWAYS cleaning 2. I could never go anywhere 3. My mom would try and help but get mad at me for not understanding something. When we started high school my abuser was in therapy and she told her therapist that I was one abusing her. Like I said earlier the abuse went on for years. Sometime I would start it or she would. It was our normal sadly. However, after telling her therapist, my mom kicked me without. She called my uncle to come and get me and I was out. All she said was to my uncle was ""he knows what he did"" My mom use to tell me all the time ""I love you unconditionally"" but we couldn't talk before you kicked me out? Now as an adult looking back.. I was still a child.

During this time I never got to tell my side of the story because my abuser knew how to lie. She would lie and steal and set me up for stuff all the time. I remember one year for Christmas my brother has saved up like 300 dollars and someone stole it. My abuser came back from the mall with a whole bunch of shit. But because everyone has assessed me of stealing before no one looked at her. Everyone blamed me. This is something that happened alot. Both of them would set me up to get me grounded so I could see my dad(He was getting off drugs) I know this sounds oh woah is me. But this is 1000% the truth. Because I was called a liar so much I try and be a honest as I possible can.

Lets fast forward a little. Years have pasted. Over the years a few things happen. My uncle gets arrested. Turns out he was on the run for years, my dad get clean and comes back into the picture, I move into with a family friend to finish high school with my friends. I finish high school and the woman who took me in and passed away in the house while all of us (her son and his dad) were there. She leaves me an inheritance.

With her leaving me an inheritance I use the money to do things I had never done before. I was 20 with a large amount of money. I blew through that in a little over a year. When I was running out of money her son asked me to start paying rent and I didnt know how to tell him I had spent just about all the money. So I just moved out. I didnt say anything, during the time i felt like why would you charge me rent? Im like a brother right? (me with my 20 year old thinking)

This is something I still feel about. He just lost his mom, his best friend ran off with money she left him and he is just alone.

​

Now im in my 30's. I feel like a failure. I feel like I've ruined so many lives. I feel like a shell right now. I feel like how my life is now is a result of the pain I've caused. Im starting to realize alot of my issues steam from my childhood. However its hard to blame my uncle for his harshness because that is how he was raised. He was doing what he thought was right. I can blame my abuser, she was doing what hurt people do. Also she was a child. I cant be mad at mom because she was doing what she though was right for her child. I wasn't her blood.

But its been really hard. Its taken me a long time to kind of get to that way of thinking. But its getting harder and harder to give the grace to myself. Im stuck between feeling bad for the abuse. Just knowing I caused someone pain in a way like that really hurts me. Even though I feel like my family was torn away from me. I can understand. She was hurt. But at the same time who was looking out for me? Who was making sure I was ok? I've had to just deal with thing on my own forever it seems like and Im starting to feel the pressure. I am sad all the time. I have little bursts of joy, but they never last long. I have no idea what im doing with my life. I might me in an emotionally abusive relationship, I am always broke. The only thing that really bring me joy is smoking weed. I feel like its the one that make me get out of bed. It helps me function in public. I always feel like people are staring at me, i feel like because I am non binary, people stare and talk shit. Im always scared that someone will say something to me and Ill have to try and defend myself and lose. So if i walk around high with my headphones in, im focused on what I need to do. As Ive gotten older I've felt myself retreating into myself. Even around my life long friends, I feel like im always bringing down the mood or that im giving off the vibe that I dont want to be around them. Even though, sadly a part of that is true. I want to be around the people I love. But I dont want to be a fucking downer. For the past couple of years I really stopped doing stuff, I keep to myself most of the time and just go out when I need or really need too.

​

I've been doing some googling recently and Ive found out a few things that kinda explain why I am the way I am. I learned yesterday about attachment types and it seems like I would have an anxious attachment type, which basically(in the most simplified version) Im scared of being abandoned, that I crave approval and can be seen as clingy. It stems from childhood trauma. However I am not sure if what I went through as counts a trauma. Isnt trauma more you know... traumatic? I know I've used aggressive adjectives but I dont know what else to call it because was she really the abuser or was I? Dealing with that question has convinced me that I never want kids. Because what if I was the aggressor? I know I was a child but Im scared that I might do something to that child. Because hurt people hurt people. Now I have to say this I have NEVER had a fucked up thought about a child, ever. To be frank, I hate kids. I think it takes a special person to want to put someone else before them for the rest of their life. Its admirable but not my calling. I also do want to fuck up a child emotionally. If my parents did what their parents did, it makes my extremely nervous taking on that responsibility to break that cycle.

I have also learned that I might be dealing with something called High functioning depression or PDD?  I know I feel like I have to tell myself to keep going. But its been harder and harder to say that and believe it. Im starting to understand why some people use hard drug. They need an escape from their shit. Some times I just say in bed all the time. I constantly deal with poverty, I live paycheck to paycheck. Inbetween paychecks im living on tips I get from work, if dont do doordash for a couple hours I have to pick between gas or food for my partner and I.

But I think to myself alot, am I just being alitle bitch? There are people dealing way worse stuff than me. Am I just being lazy, Am I just trying to find someone else to blame for my fuck ups? I've been dealing with this baggage for so long I know I how to manage it. But I honestly im feel myself starting to come undone. How do I stop this? I literally cant afford to fall apart. How do I keep pushing through. I honestly feel like if I dont get into therapy soon Im not going to be able to keep going. I want help to navigate my feeling. I want help to get closure and start feeling like my oldself again. Im tired of not taking chances because im scared to fail. I want to be open and healed enough to receive real love. I want to stop being a people pleaser. I want help changing my mindset, I want to be able to but myself first and care for me. This is just the first step I think.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",childabuse_endangerment_past
Question 18,"Title: Anyone else feels like they are annoying everyone?

Text: I get ill or upset over something? Mum yells at me.

I’m too tired because of work, sudden change in environment and social circle (went from having friends to not knowing anyone) and depression? Sister thinks I’m being lazy for just not wanting to do something last minute on my only day off. Or for not washing a mug and a plate straight away.

I’m not super happy and slightly frustrated over something? Friend says “why are you so snappy lately” or “what do you expect me to do”. Nothing. I just want some empathy since everything that happens in my life is going fucking wrong.

I feel like no matter what I do, I’ll always be annoying to everyone around me. I’m sorry for not being super happy atm, I’m just having a bad fucking time which apparently nobody understands.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 19,"Title: tired of being alone

Text: 28m, I'm really sick of being alone all the time. If ur a female and tired of it to, send me a message and we can talk about anything. 
""I say females because I have a hard time talking to males""

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 20,"Title: I don't know anymore

Text: I don't know what to say anymore...I don't know what to think. It all ends up being wrong. Nature's living mistake destined to do wrong...self pity ends there...I don't know what kind of person I am. I don't know what I want...I know I'm in pain and going to sleep the days away...but other than that idk. It's like feeling, a thought comes and no feeling. No feeling and vice versa...I guess I depended heavily on you too. But I'm too childish I see that now, I actually need you and that's perhaps why things were doomed to fail. That's why everything falls apart I think...i don't know

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 21,"Title: Just a reminder: Reddit can be bad for your mental health, too.

Text: There are many subreddits that are just plain *toxic*. 
If you see just one thing that’s triggered you, be it rude people, hate or whatever else, get out of there. You don’t have to read comments where people are hateful and annoyed by everything. You already experience so much of that in real life, so remove yourself from stuff like that online. 
This sub is great and we support and help each other & I really appreciate it.
Peace

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 22,"Title: For Anyone Asking If They Were Raped

Text: TW: Discussion of Rape

Let me start off by saying there is absolutely nothing wrong with searching for help online and seeking the guidance of others this post is in no way discouraging anyone from asking.

I work on several crisis hotlines and this question gets passed by me every day I go on, ""Was I raped?"" I always give them the same answer. That's complicated. Now in reality it's not complicated for the people who go through it. Someone violated the essential part of life that is consent. Nothing should ever be done to anyone without consent and if it happens like that it is wrong.

The part that is complicated is technically we are not supposed to say you were raped because by legal definitions that's dicey. Depending on the state you're in it could be anything from forced penetrative vaginal sex to non consensual contact. What this means is whether or not the police or courts will say you were raped. You may know you were raped but legally by definition you weren't and that is complicated to explain.

However to all of you asking these questions know that if your boundaries were violated. What happened was wrong and you're justified to feel the way you do however you feel. Whether you said no, didnt say no, enjoyed it, hated it, froze, fought back, yelled, or stayed quiet you were betrayed by another human and deserve to feel justified in what you are feeling. You always deserve to be heard and acknowledged. 

In case my message did not come off clearly through these paragraph I want to make a conclusion statement. 

You are right. 

Whether the law stands by you or not if you feel you were assaulted then you were. You deserve support and love and to be heard and you have a community that backs you no matter what steps you take in your recovery. Never be afraid to ask questions or speak up and remember for every evil there is good trying to end it.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 23,"Title: 11 years and it randomly still flashes back.

Text: One of the times I was raped was about 11 years ago. It bothered me a lot of first then I didn't think much about it for several years. The past 2 years, it's really on my mind often. Is this normal? Or common?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_past
Question 24,"Title: how do i bring up my past to my boyfriend?

Text: i have been with this boy for around 2 months so it’s nothing completely serious yet, though we have been friends for around 4 years. when i was 14-16 i was sexually abused and blackmailed by this boy. it was a horrific time in my life and i still get very easily trigged by little things, such as quick movements, sometimes in sex, or just completely out of no where. i really want him to understand and i want him to know about my past so we can be open. it’s not about him i want to tell him for me, so i can feel better knowing that he understands and i can talk to him about my triggers so we can try to prevent further damage. but it’s just so difficult to talk about and even harder to bring it up out of nowhere. i don’t know if it’s selfish to spring this all on him aswell as it’s a lot so i don’t know if i should just fill on tell him or just tell him the bare minimum. i’m so confused. any advice?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 25,"Title: Rape case and private investigator

Text: If my rapist hired a private investigator to stalk and taunt me, how do I get rid of them?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_past
Question 26,"Title: Close friend said I overreacted

Text: I told him what happened to me (long story short, photos taken and sent without my consent, sticking his dick in me raw despite me saying “I’m not letting you hit without a condom” and ignoring my reminder “wait what about the condom” as he stuck in it, lying about his age, and being too rough even though I was saying it hurt) and another girl (he fucked her while she was drunk and she doesn’t remember a thing and she had a boyfriend and had been dodging his advances so she doesn’t know if she consented and woke up the next morning and he bragged about how much she liked the sex and she accused him of touching her in her sleep and he denied it) and I told my male friend and he said what the guy did was morally wrong but not a crime and that my other male friend who sympathized with me was just pretending because no man could truly empathize with this because men could never understand. He said that I was making this guy out to be some sort of monster when he was “ignorant, not malicious”. I got super upset and spiraled because maybe he’s right. I really really like my rapist and he’s still seeing the girl he fucked while drunk; he likes her. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous so maybe my friend is right that I’m making him out as a bad guy to cope with the fact that he doesn’t like me or want to see me. I feel like a liar

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_past
Question 27,"Title: Should I reach out to my rapist for money to pay for therapy?

Text: Basically what the title says. The guy who raped me was someone I was in a relationship with for over a year. I’m currently not in a place where I can afford therapy, but I know it’d be super helpful. He knows he’s traumatized me and caused me lots of harm so I think he’d be willing to help out but I’m not sure how to go about it. I would also save the messages and use them as proof to help me out if I ever did go to the cops!

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_past
Question 28,"Title: Fake therapist used my story to rape me

Text: I can’t afford actual therapy so I’ve been working  thru my trauma with a student or therapist in training. 

That was my first mistake 

He repeatedly asked for details of my rape down to what I was wearing that day.

He eventually coerced me into a sort of verbal role play with the goal of “reclaiming my body”.

It was weird, but was nice to mentally reframe things on my terms.

He then began to insist I wear the outfit I was raped in to our sessions and to wear a remote control vibrator, that he controlled, while I recounted my rape. Again, with the goal of turning a positive to a negative.

He instructed me to close my eyes during our most recent verbal role play and shortly after, I felt his erect penis pressing against my lips.

He then proceeded to rape me in the exact way my rapist had. He followed my rapists words and actions to the letter, only switching to his own dialogue when he approached orgasm. 

That’s when he began to whisper in my ear that this was for my own good, he was helping me heal and that I wouldn’t get better until I allowed my body to enjoy it.

When he finished, he sat down and asked me a bunch of questions, apparently continuing our session.

I don’t know how to feel because looking back there were a million red flags and I did not verify his credentials. 

And while I don’t doubt this was rape, I feel foolish for putting myself in a vulnerable position.

To make matters worse, up until he raped me, I was feeling pretty good about the progress his unorthodox methods had led to, but now I realize he had an end game from the beginning and I’m kind of an idiot.

Thanks for reading. Just needed to vent.

UPDATE:
Thanks everyone for the love and positivity. I’ve found another woman victimized the same way, by the same person and we are working together to seek justice. Check profile for a slightly longer update

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_past
Question 29,"Title: My brother, my rapist

Text: Every year around this time I get all upset and in my feels because of what happened. My brother forced several sex acts on me when I was 11. My family absolutely refuses to acknowledge this, and it just makes it worse. This year, I'm taking back my dignity by sharing my story. 

We were camping in dad's truck, and you suggested playing a game of truth or dare. It was all fun and games until I said no. You said put it in my mouth or you'd punch me in the throat. So I did. It got hard and felt weird. I cried. You didn't care. You pushed my head down until I couldn't cry anymore. When you got bored of that you put your fingers inside me. I cried more. You threatened more. I learned to stay silent. For 24 years, I've held my tongue. Mom and Dad don't want to talk about it, and the courts won't do anything. But you and I know the truth. And before I leave this earth so will everyone else.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","childabuse_endangerment_past,rape_past"
Question 30,"Title: Was I assaulted by my ex?

Text: So my previous relationship, I (26) dated this guy (29m) for three years and the first two years were amazing. He was patient and kind with me and never held my previous trauma against me. For context, I had been molested by a family member as a kid and it would often make intimacy difficult as I was still processing. (I repressed the childhood stuff until early adult hood and I'm finally in a head space to not have it consume me everyday). I understand that being with someone who is actively processing this stuff can be hard on the partner, and there were many times where I'd push myself to have sex with my partner because I saw how disappointed he was when I'd say no. (For the record this is entirely on me and I consider it self-harm) 

So let's fast forward a little bit, my ex talks to me about kinks and taboo stuff and eventually CNC is brought up, this is something he initially showed interest in but didnt know it was a kink and referred to it as ""r*pe play"". I end up researching it and saw that some people use it as a way to give back control of the trauma they had gone through. I read up on how to do this safely so that neither party would push it too far. Somnophilia was a type that stood out to me as this was something similar I had previously gone through. 

I bring this up to my ex and he's for it and I discussed in length boundaries. For instance, I HAD to know when this was going to happen before hand. I HAD to actively be a part of the scene, as in lucid enough to stop as I wasn't okay with being completely out cold. And he HAD to stop when I said to. He agreed and we tried it one night. He gave me melatonin gummies and when I got sleepy enough we enacted the scene and it was fine. 

Now here comes the issue. This incident happened eight, almost nine months ago. I'm not a heavy drinker and I tend to sleep early, this guy can hold his liquor and max had 3 shots that night. I went to bed first. Next thing I know he's shaking me awake, his seed is spilling out of me and i feel a burning pain in my genitals. He says ""I don't think I like this sleeping thing"" and I go numb. At no point prior did we EVER discuss this. And he admitted that he just thought since we did it before he could do it again. 

I was numb, angry and disgusted with myself for ever agreeing to cater to his kinks in the first place. I remember I had to console him about it as I was sitting in the shower and scratching at my skin since I was immediately put into panic and shock. 

I didn't leave him immediately because, guess how I got covid? I had to isolate with him and he took care of me and pampered me but I could not get over the resentment that was growing. I finally left him two months later for a completely different reason (which is a whole other story in and of itself). 

Sometimes my body refuses to fall asleep because I just don't feel safe. I'm terrified that I'll wake up to him hovering over me. I'm currently in a new relationship and have discovered that I have new triggers due to this experience. 

For months I have tortured myself. Was this sa? Does it count as such even though we were previously experimenting with taboo kinks? Is my anger justified?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","childabuse_endangerment_past,rape_past"
Question 31,"Title: Feel like my ex bf raped me

Text: I feel like I’m a fraud because he didn’t physically force me to do anything. I made a list of some things my ex bf (19) did but I still don’t know if it’s bad enough to report him.

- Said he’d have to buy more alcohol and drink more if I didn’t have sex with him when he’d already drank a large amount so I gave in
- Started having sex with me after I said no and said “I don’t want to rape you” so I gave in
- Took off my pants and started having sex with me whilst his kid brother was in the room on the bottom bunk, I didn’t move because I was scared, he asked if I was ok I nodded because I didn’t want to make a scene and wake up his brother, he went to sleep after he finished, I cried when he was sleeping felt disgusted
- Sex started hurting so I said no multiple times (I realise I should have said stop to communicate better) but he didn’t stop and he kept saying yes, I asked him about it next morning but he said he didn’t remember that happening or misunderstood 
-woke up after being blackout drunk for hours at a party with no underwear on, I had passed out in the bathroom so that could explain that, he was very angry at me for having to look after me wouldn’t get in a ambulance with me so cancelled it, asked if he had sex with me but said I wasn’t interested idk if that means he did anything because sometimes he just starts having sex with me until I say no or give in

He was generally a bad boyfriend as well he said he’d kill himself if I didn’t have an abortion because my period was late and strangled me a month into our relationship, I wanted to report that instead because it’s less ambiguous but since it’s been more than 6 months he can’t be changed for it. He also threatened to sue me for defamation so I’m scared I’ll be seen as a liar he’s already tried to claim i was abusive too for reacting to things he said that he knew I strongly disagree with eg cheating being ok pedophilia being natural but not being homosexual  .

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","domesticviolence_past,rape_past"
Question 32,"Title: My(16) uncle(30's) just touched me and gave me a bj

Text: I'm shaking and scared, I hate myself i should've stopped him, I don't like this feeling of being shaky. Just wanted to get this off my chest, I've already posted in other subreddits the feeling of being unstable is still not going away.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","childabuse_endangerment_ongoing,rape_ongoing"
Question 33,"Title: why does it hurt us so much even when there was no violence?

Text: Seriously? Why does rape and SA hurt SO much. I know it's wrong but when you step back and look at it is it really THAT bad? Yeah, some guy came in/on me without my permission, but so what. Lots of guys have done that. Why is it that this sticks with me as such a bad thing? I've been groped dozens of times, but when I think about him doing it I feel gross and disgust. Why can't my mind just recognize these things for what they are and move on?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_past
Question 34,"Title: how do I put concealer on my arm without my (day old) cuts bleeding?

Text: also, if thats impossible, please leave otherr ways to hide them!

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_past
Question 35,"Title: sh out of anger?

Text: is it weird to sh out of anger? I’ll like punch myself and most the time cut out of anger and i was just wondering if it’s weird because it just doesn’t feel valid

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 36,"Title: Burning a shape into myself

Text: A while ago I did a lot of burning and at one point I heated a metal necklace and pressed it on my wrist and now the shape is still there. For me burns are more likely to scar. I didn't know what o was thinking but it was just a thing I did at the time and regretted it the next day. I'm just embarrassed by it. Does anyone know how I can get rid of it? I was thinking of burning it more to get the shape away and instead have a burn scar. Or maybe cut there. Idk it's just that I don't like looking at it because it's embarrassing. I mean it's a fucking pentacle. Like honestly what was I doing? I still like burning but I just don't burn shapes.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 37,"Title: the cutest thing just happened

Text: i had my sleeves rolled up in my room just chilling, and my cat just came up to me and like, saw my cuts. they’re 3 days old so it didn’t hurt, but she did that thing where cats ram their head into you on my cuts. it was so cute. it was like she knew. and she just sat there and rubbed her head on them for like, 5 minutes and i was almost in tears. i love pets.
just felt like sharing this somewhere because it was so cute

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_past
Question 38,"Title: Advice for parents of teenager cutting

Text: Hello,

I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this so please let me know if I'm in the wrong place.   I'm the dad of a teenage girl who we've recently found has been cutting - several cuts on her arm - in response to disappointment when she can't perform as well as she expects in some of her sports and activities.    My wife and I told her we weren't angry but we want to help her and we're suggesting that she talk to a therapist of her choice.    We're also telling her that we're willing to listen to her and we're trying to be as non judgemental as possible.   She's pretty reluctant to talk about the cutting and reluctant to talk to a therapist.    

Any advice?   Should we keep encouraging her to talk to a therapist?   Any thing else we should try?   Should we try to remove sharp objects from her room?    Should we ask about warning signs (wearing a sweatshirt on a hot day, etc)?

Thank you and best luck to all of you!

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 39,"Title: im going to try and stay clean the rest of this week

Text: I don't know why i feel the need to post this, but well, yeah, i'm just a little tired of constantly worrying about infections and bleeding through clothing, and people finding out and stuff.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 40,"Title: Is it normal that wounds ""Sweats""?

Text: 
OK so lately I've been going deeper (usually styro) and I've noticed that a lot of the cuts Sweats? Basically once it stops bleeding I slap a band-aid on it but when I remove it I see it's humid and it's like water just leaked from the wound. I can tell it's specifically from the wound. And it doesn't smell or anything just like a water.
So is it normal and what is it?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 41,"Title: Ugh

Text: Anyone else’s cuts/scars itch like crazy even after they’re healed? 😩

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_past
Question 42,"Title: Comment things about selfharm that can’t be romantasized

Text: Trying to prove a point here bc I’m so sick of selfharm being made into an aesthetic.
I’ll start: having to tape period pads/toilet paper on your wounds bc you don’t have access to bandaids

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 43,"Title: Is it self-harm?

Text: The other night I found myself digging my nails into my arm, and raking them across my leg. I say ""found myself"" because I didn't realize I was doing it and even after I registered that I was doing it, I was looking at my hand still confused as to why and continued to do it. 

I was just sitting watching an old TV show, nothing was wrong but there was this sense that if I stopped...idk what. Somehow doing it was like having a sense of relief but I don't know what from. 

I'm honestly beginning to wonder if my body was ""reacting"" to something subconsciously before I was consciously aware of it, if that's even possible.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_past
Question 44,"Title: Sexually harassed girls online- don’t know what to do

Text: 


I’m 17. When I was depressed and just fucking stupid, I sexually harassed a few girls. Nothing happened in real life, it was just me begging for nudes even when one of them had a boyfriend. Never sent an unsolicited dick pic, but I probably made uncomfortable comments about sex. The ones I’m still in contact with I’ve apologised and they’ve forgiven me. I’m trying to turn my life around and honestly I feel so sick thinking about what I’ve done. Especially since someone I used to know messaged me saying they knew what I did and so on but I don’t know who the girl was. And I’ve got gaping memory losses from last year when it all happened. He doesn’t want to reveal names so I told him to apologise for me and how I am absolutely sorry and want to be better. I’m trying to be better, I have even contributed to organisations dealing with sexual harassment to make sure what I did doesnt happen with others. But I’m so sick in the gut right now thinking that I’ve caused trauma to someone and that they might even out me in public and I’ll have my life spoiled even though I’ve tried so hard to apologise and become better. I don’t know what to do anymore. Please help.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 45,"Title: Was I Sexually Harassed?

Text: I'm 16 now, but this happened around when I was 7 I believe? I cannot recall exactly when this happened so I am guessing I was around that age, and for reference I am also male. The other person I'll be talking about was 11 or 12 at the time, since I know that right now they're a sophomore at the university they go to.

A family friend was coming to visit my home, and we are still family friends with them today, but at the time, their son also stopped by for the visit. Being 11 or 12, he obviously wasn't planning on hanging out with the adults so he came to my room. 

I don't remember exactly what happened as It's all a bit blurry for me, but I do remember at one point he closed and locked my door, then coerced me into taking my pants off. I know for sure that he did this, but at the same time he never *physically* forced me to take them off, I just recall being very uncomfortable and being pressured into doing so. 

Then I remember he kept telling me to turn around and spread my cheeks apart but I protested a bit. Once again, he never actually touched me, but I do remember giving in which I believe was because he was older than me and I felt intimidated throughout the entire experience. When I gave in, I think he was just gazing at me until my pants eventually came back on.

Then, he pulled is own pants down and did the same allowing me to look at him, but I don't recall ever asking him to do so.

After this all happened, he told me to never tell anyone about what happened, that it was our secret, and we would get in a lot of trouble if anyone found out.

So Reddit, was I sexually harassed or was this just kids experimenting? Even though he was older, he still was a child. I remember being very uncomfortable and not wanting it to happen, but at the same time he never laid a hand on me.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_past
Question 46,"Title: how to tell someone?

Text: I do debate and one of my friends who's also on the debate team routinely sexually harasses me. In debate, we go on overnight trips every weekend. I'm supposed to share a bed with her on all these trips this upcoming year. Obviously, I would rather not do that. What should I say to my debate coach?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_ongoing
Question 47,"Title: Sexual Harassment Silence Breakers: #Silence Breakers #Me Too #ChurchToo

Text: Thanks to some exceptionally brave women who have endured years of silence and shame, to now have the fearlessness to tell their appalling stories. 

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 48,"Title: Is this harassment/how to deal with patients who sexually harass you?

Text: I work in an outpatient lab as a phlebotomist right now, but I’m also in nursing school and intend to be in the healthcare field. Now, I’m no stranger to some patients being rude, cranky, impatient, entitled, in pain, (and their families), etc. anyone who deals with the public puts up with a certain level. but This happened the other day so quickly I kinda brushed it off until I thought about it and it makes me wonder what I should do in the future. 

A patient comes into my room, I ask for the lab orders and he hands them over, I turn around and start looking up his name, birthday, etc to get him registered so I can order the labs and he says 

“Are you good at handjobs, miss?” 
I stop and turn around and just go. “What.” He stares at me for a second, I just kinda stare back blankly. And then he raises his right hand looks away going “Uh… I mean, I typically get my blood drawn from my hand.” I finish his paperwork and draw him and get the next patient, so it kinda left my mind for a while, I don’t think I thought of it again until lunch and then I went “ew.” 

a poorly timed joke from an older man, probably, but it did make me think about how should I handle sexual harassment from patients in the future? I didn’t really react because I think I was in disbelief that he seriously said that, but it was definitely weird.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_past
Question 49,"Title: Just got verbally harassed by a random car driver

Text: Just got verbally harassed by a driver, he stopped the car near and shouted 'how much' I quickly carried on walking I didn't want to look.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 50,"Title: My story

Text: I [19 m] am a college student. I've been harassed by one of my female classmates for almost a year now. Today I reported her to my Title IX coordinator and it brought back some really hard stuff that I just need to vent about. 
It all started in Feb 2021. This girl was in a few of my classes and we had talked a little. She was a bit overbearing and weird but that tends to be the people I attract. One day we were talking, I joked that I cope with dark humor. She said she joked with sex humor because she hadn't had it. That was the start. She pushed me to send a nude, then sent an unsolicited nude. She pushed me to talk dirty with her. I was embarrassed by my choices and asked her to say nothing. She told many people. I felt like I had to do all of that because I'm a man and I'm expected to like it. I convinced myself I was ok with it. I'm also a chubby dude and I'd never met someone who wanted to hu with me so I felt like I needed to appreciate the attention. 

I stopped communication until sometime at the end of July or early this month. She started contacting me again. It immediately became the same thing. Her bf had dumped her and she clearly wanted a rebound. She also wanted me to be her new bf. She was incredibly pushy and kept saying things like ""I bet I make you hard."" She also kept referring to having sex with me and that I made her wet. I have a very hard time being assertive and mean, so I wasn't explicit in saying to to all She was saying, but it was not uncertain that I wasn't ok. 
All throughout this experience, she manipulated me by calling me her closest friend and threatening self harm and suicide. I have a very hard time not helping people like that. 
Eventually I told her that I needed space due to family events and she left me mostly alone. At one point she asked if I thought we were friends and I told her no, that she makes me very uncomfortable. She was very upset, and seemed to imply hurting herself as a consequence for her actions. 
Nothing of substance happened until last Monday. She texted me with all the classes we have together. My stomach instantly turned to a knot and I was terrified. She has progressed to some level of stalking. 

I am terrified of this woman. I don't want her to be able to flip this on me somehow, so I'm reporting her. I'm also scared that she really didn't mean to do that to me and I'm ruining an innocent person's life. But I also don't want to live in her shadow anymore. 
I appreciate you taking the time to read this. I needed a place to vent. I'm going to cry now in preparation for tomorrow. Thank you

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_ongoing
Question 51,"Title: I am suicidal

Text: I’m in high school and I’ve been suffering with suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember, I’m always telling myself “I’ll do it after Halloween” or “I’ll do it after Christmas” i don’t know if I just lack the follow through or if I just would never actually do it but I can’t keep living like this, I can’t live just waiting to die. I know one day I’m gonna run out of excuses and either make the decision to keep living or just end it. Is there any way to get over the constant planning to do it?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 52,"Title: 22 years of suicidal thoughts

Text: I don't think there has ever been a day in my life when I've never thought of killing myself. And I don't think there will ever be. I will have to fight this until I die.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 53,"Title: Im surprised with how comfortable the thought of suicide has gotten with me and it scares me.

Text: The thought of taking my own life has become surprisingly more comfortable/normal . It scares me. I have thought of it before but it was always "" im never going to actually do that."" But now its been cnsuming my thoughts more and more. I feel i have nothing , no one, no purpose. Im useless, i have no where to turn. The silence is deafening and the thought of taking my life just creeps up more and more and it doesnt feel so crazy anymore. This is what scares ne to se ehow my thinking has changed and maybe in a month itll be the only thing i think of. It seems im going that direction
I dont know what to really do. 
I tell nyself im being selfish and i have family that cares for me and theyll be sad but its not convincing me anymore.
i just hate how lonely i feel.
I look around and think what am i doing. Im fooling myself. I try to be happy and joke around with others. Tell myself its all in my head but i feel im losing control. 
im scared.

Edit- sorry lots of grammar and spelling errors. I'm on an old phone thats a little hard to fix

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 54,"Title: I don't know if I could handle it anymore.

Text: Looking at my entire life, I don't have a reason to smile. From my earliest childhood memory, to the dreadful present. My life is full of uncertainty, despair, and distrust. I am at the point where hoping for a better tomorrow doesn't exist, so every day I hope and pray that I die in my sleep. I am still a young adult who goes to school, I can't do anything to change my life's situation. I am not even sure if I can continue going to school after a month or so. Everything I have been through has affected me in lots of ways, the one I wanted to protect but couldn't were my emotions. Before, I thought I could handle everything. But now, I could see myself committing suicide. I am just not so sure when, but I am scared. I don't know how much longer I can last. Will false hope and delusions keep me alive on this one?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 55,"Title: I don’t want to be around anymore

Text: Nobody takes me serious enough.. they think that things will get better or that I’m so strong that I can endure anything but I’m dying and suffering everyday. I even had someone message me on here lying to help me and they ended up ghosting me. How can anyone do that to someone who is depressed and suicidal? I have no hope yet.. I really want to end my life. The more I stick around, the more I suffer.. life is a scam. I hate it here.. I hate suffering and having to be strong to be some inspiration or some shit. I don’t want to be here anymore.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 56,"Title: I'm still alive

Text: I didn't do it in the end, I didn't have the courage. Nothing has improved from my last post till now though

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","suicideideation_active_past,suicideideation_passive_ongoing"
Question 57,"Title: Thinking about suicide comforts me.

Text: In the last 3-4 years, I started to have suicidal ideations.  I am an alcoholic, have ADHD, and have pretty much ruined my life in every aspect.  The alcohol is the only thing I truly enjoy.   I'm 44 now and have accepted that I will not be able to get married and raise a family.   I can't keep a job or a relationship long enough.  I am bankrupt.  I can only get low-paying menial jobs that I get sick of very quick.  

I will either drink myself to death or jump off a bridge before my 50th birthday.   When I think about my fate, I am comforted.  I don't have to live in my personal hell if I don't want to.  Knowing I can end things on my terms whenever I decide brings relief. 

Anyone else feel better when they think about suicide?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 58,"Title: Exhausted. Can't take it anymore. Hate my genes and luck in life.

Text: I am a 23 year old guy. I feel I have been dealt the one of the worst hands possible. Bullied by everyone due to my short height(5'5"") in my teens. Started losing hair at a very young age which crushed the little confidence I had. I am NW6 now. For the folks who don't know it's pretty much full bald. ( My dad,uncle,and grandad were short and bald as well). Tried fin and min but got sides. Had to resort to hair wigs. Some days I feel confident in them and some days I feel like a total fraud. Have given up on romantic relationships.


For the last 2 years I have also been suffering from Chronic Prostatitis/ CPPS. Basically due to it I have to pee a lot,it also burns and I have also got partial Erectile Dysfunction. If this wasn't enough at the beginning of the year after I got infected with Covid, I developed IBS. Can't even enjoy eating now. I get bad cramping and on bad days have to use the washroom 10+ times :( Have visited many specialists for these 2 issues but have had minimal improvements. Have been going to the gym for the past 6 months, doing yoga, eating very healthy, and have tried different diets but again minimal improvements.

I am so frustrated with all of these issues. Most of them are chronic in nature. I am tired of fighting. My family doesn't really care.They have given up. Have consulted with therapists but my issues are not mental but physical so they can only help a little. I am living corpse right now. Can't deal with all of these issues anymore :(. Want to commit suicide but afraid if it is unsuccessful I would suffer even more. just want to rest.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 59,"Title: What's the point?

Text: I am 23 and I've been having suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember. I cannot for the life of me understand what the point of it all is. Go to school, go to college, work for 40 years, retire and die. Really? THAT'S life? That's what I should be excited for? 

I guess for normal people it's more bearable because they have something to look forward to like making money for buying a home or getting married and starting a family or something, but for me I just cannot care about anything.

My dream is staying in my small dark room sleeping or playing random video games to distract myself, and I dont think I even want a relationship at this point. I've literally never had friends or gf and whenever I was forced into social situations at school I was constantly thinking about when I could be alone again.

So why should I keep going? I can't just stay in my room forever, one day I'll have to work to support myself but why should I? I have literally no motivation so the moment my current lifestyle is unsustainable why shouldn't I just end it all?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 60,"Title: i would actually be happy if i could just live my life and never have to see another human being again.

Text: I just want to do remote work and order everything to be left outside my door. But i am far too stupid to be able to get a remote job, much less one that pays me enough to live without roommates. Guess if I cant live without ever seeing another person, the next best thing is to die.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 61,"Title: You live, learn, and will love again!

Text: I finally am starting to feel free again. I just wanted a safe space to be able to tell my story. I am only 19 almost 20 but I feel like I’ve been through one of those most traumatic events in my life. Almost 2 days ago I finally left my ex who I thought truly loved me but he was one of the most emotionally and mentally abusive men I ever met. There was also physical abuse but to him he believed since I wasn’t get brutally beat like how girls do everyday it was ok to just accept and look past. When I met him I was very young and naive, only 17, we were the same age and our birthdays were very close so I believed we were just meant to be. It’s now only after 2 almost 3 years that I’ve realized who he was. I ignored my family and my friends about him for so long and allowed him to take advantage of my loving spirit which I now feel that I have to find again. I recently realized how I truly had to get away from him. I recently finished training to become a 911 ct and I just said to myself how would I be able to fully help someone who was being domestically abused on my call if I couldn’t even help myself. Something in me finally snapped and I was able to pack my stuff and I was ready to get away. He unfortunately didn’t want me to and for the last time he physically assaulted me and I screamed to God for him to let me go forever. I finally let people actually know what truly happened to me and I received a full outpour of support from my family, friends and coworkers. He always made me feel like he was gonna change and I had to finally realize he never was. He used me in every way possible and still tried to hide it behind what he called love. I now feel ready to start my healing journey. I want to become someone that nobody ever thought I would become. I want to become the best possible version of myself that I can and I want to be able to move on with my life with peace and happiness. When I first started typing I wanted to just list all the trauma he put me through but that isn’t what I want to think about. I am a strong and independent young woman and I just know now that I will never let any boy or man drag me down to ever lose myself again.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_past
Question 62,"Title: College wanting proof of DV before allowing me to return to campus - what can I do?

Text: Throwaway because I'm not sure what to do.
I'm not sure what flair to use so hopefully this one is okay. 

I am a college student (F21, he was M22) at a small college. Last semester the guy I was dating turned out to be very violent and abusive. Most of this was verbal with slight physical and isolation etc. 

My grades suffered and as a result, my university is placing me on academic suspension and is requiring that I provide proof via a police report to return. If not, I will be eligible to return (if I take classes) and show ""significant personal growth"" while away for a minimum 3 semesters.  I can't afford anything else, and after the suspension I have to re-apply for finaid which I'm not guaranteed to get the same amount of.  I used all of my fafsa at this university. My parents can't take out loans due to credit scores. 

I didn't report to the police because his dad is in the board and a well respected officer in our town. He told me that if I did his dad would erase it anyways. My best friend reported a rape by a fellow student to that department and nothing happened, they didn't even give her documents. 

I am almost done with college, I have one semester left. I don't know what to do and I don't know what options I have. Please if anyone can help I would appreciate it. I've called local places but they're all closed for the holiday. 

Are they allowed to do this? Is there some other option? Is the police report going to go to his dad? I don't want it in record, I don't want to rehash any drama. I want to move on with my life.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_past
Question 63,"Title: Long time Redditor… first time here.

Text: My heart is with you. It took me being literally stabbed in the chest to leave. 6 days ago. I have not fought for me in a long time. Two kids under 3 years old. I feel foolish.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_past
Question 64,"Title: Struggling to potentially see it for what it is

Text:  TW: domestic violence (DV), reading cues for what they are, calling a spade a spade, managing mental health during this time

​

I was able to safely get out of what I felt was a DV situation in June of this year. I can't shake that it was DV. I felt stuck, manipulated and emotionally abused daily, ""walking on eggshells"", ""keeping the peace"", and similar things.

However, I'm stuck. I keep doing the ""It'd be better if he'd \_\_\_\_\_ (other forms of abuse)."". Then I could call a spade a spade.

I'm scared to say the words out loud. I can say ""abuse"" but I can't say ""domestic violence"".

I also realize that I'm completely fixating on the manner. Thanks mental health!

Kind words are appreciated!

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_past
Question 65,"Title: I dont think im strong enough

Text: Im having a really down day, (i get them 3-4times a month, at random times - we think due to pmdd), and living here in this situation isnt helping. 

He came home from work today (sunday - he has his own business so works whenever), and was just going on about me spending money - oh, why was your myotherapy so much this time, why you buy this, why you buy that. 

I am not financial, and i am trying to set up my own business so i need to buy supplies etc, and i have chronic pain, so need weekly myotherapy, but this week and next week, im having a 1.5hr appointment, as there is a lot of my body to be worked on, so of course, it was more expensive this time. 

Mind you, hes just bought TWO cars for himself and the business (over 60ks worth), and worries about me spending $200???

The endless rants about it just get to me, and now im emotional because he has made me feel like crap on top of already feeling down.  The endless accusations of me cheating, because im on my phone alot (my phone is my social life - otherwise i dont have one), and how apparently i make him feel invisible - i try to talk to him, but hes never interested in what i have to talk about, so what am i supposed to do?

I dont know if im strong enough to get through this till i can get out :(

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 66,"Title: How to help a friend?? ADVICE PLZ

Text: My best friend of decades (we’ll call her friend 1) is in an abusive relationship of a few yrs. She has told 1 of our friends (we’ll call her friend 2) and she has alluded to it with me. The abuse is in every form imaginable, which obviously includes controlling her, what she does, who she sees/talks to, etc. It’s very very bad and I am worried for her safety & mental health. 

He has isolated her from everyone and she is completely changing. She seems to be addicted to the cycle of the highs and lows. I can’t stand by & watch this anymore - I do not have the capacity to be her friend and be supportive of the relationship after knowing what I know. 

Friend 2 and I have decided we want to have a soft “intervention” of sorts for friend 1 (only us 3 will be present). We don’t want it to be an ambush - We want to have a conversation to ask what is fully going on, tell her we are here to help, etc (pretty much all things friend 2 has already said to her before). Both me and friend 2 can no longer ignore what’s going on because we love friend 1 too much. We are worried for her safety all the time. 

It’s pretty rare that he allows her to get together with us, so we want to be effective in our discussion with her & communicate that we are here for her, but that we can’t stand by idly any longer while this happens. We are very desperate to help her and very nervous for this talk. 

Any advice on things we should/shouldn’t say, how to go about this, etc. would be greatly appreciated. Again, We aren’t trying to make this seem like an ambush, more just like a conversation to show we are concerned for her but that we can’t act like what’s happening is ok. 

However, I am almost certain this will end our friendship because #1. I’m sure she won’t “chose” us over him and #2. I plan to tell her I will not be inviting her boyfriend to my upcoming wedding. 

TLDR: going to confront my best friend about her abusive relationship & believe it will lead to the end of our friendship. What are things I should/shouldn’t say in this discussion? I want to encourage her to at least begin to consider the possibility of leaving.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 67,"Title: Am-I-The-A$$?

Text:  

Am-I-The-A$$?  
Long post  
Hey, y'all I need to vent please;   
Scenario: It's been 7 months since leaving the abusive ex with my now 18-month-old plus daughter He used to call Friday evening to get her for a few hours on the Sat to spend time with her (in court awaiting custody hearing).  
Since Mother's day weekend ( he refused to agree to bring her back that same afternoon & eventually left without her) he stopped calling or trying to see her.  
May month-end he showed up at the meeting place ( Police Dept in my area) with no warning/prior arrangement to drop stuff for the baby I only knew when I returned a missed call from the Police Dept and they said he's there I made arrangements for someone to collect as both me & baby were very sick-it was collected. After that   
The Thursday of last week my phone screen stopped working, so anyway June month-end (last Saturday), my phone kept ringing but I can't see anything on the screen to answer it...Anyway later in the day, my mother offered her phone to call him to see if it was him.  
I blocked the caller id as I have never wanted him to have my Mother's number..he answered I explained my phone isn't working, my phone was it him calling? and he said, ""he has stuff for the child, when I could collect it?"" I say tomorrow (Sunday) for 12 at the Police Dept, he says ""Ok""..End of call. Now he has a car and I don't.

Sunday I carried the baby in so she could see him, we arrived at the Police Dept 12:04, to see his car in the driveway ready to drive off, I'm 2 cars away, and my mother lent me her phone again in case I need to make a call...Seeing him driving away I look for the phone dropped out of the taxi and tried calling no answer ( I called 5 times), went into the Police Dept and they lent me their phone to call...  
He answers immediately, I say ""I'm here at the Police Dept, I see you just drove off"", and he says ""I left, any other day I could have waited for you anytime you want but I have plans, I'm not coming back, the whole day Saturday I waited at the Police Dept for you & you never come, you can  collect tomorrow in the city""  
I say ""I am not able to collect it tomorrow"", and the officer comes to take the phone, even the officer pleads with him to come back, he refuses. Angry & frustrated I come back home.......I explain to my Mother what happened, I tell her ""I'm not going to collect anything he can keep it"" because this just feels like a deliberate act on his part. Why leave all the way from where you live 20mins away to not even wait to at least indicate that you had plans when we spoke?

So fast forward to Tuesday, he shows up at my mother's business place, she then calls for me on my big sisters' phone to tell me"" he came & said he has stuff for the baby if he could leave it with her"" and she said yes, so she now wants me to come down to the city to collect it......Now I have an online part-time job & I'm rostered for that morning so I tell her I can't come now, it will have to be around lunchtime (12pm), and she eventually says ok.. the end of the call.  
She ends up making arrangements for a family member with a car (she doesn't drive) to collect it & drop it off home for me. Okay, an hour later she calls my sis phone again to say I still need to come as the baby's father just dropped off some more stuff ( fruits, etc). I'm really pissed off at the whole scene but start making arrangements to leave home.  
Left baby with sis went to the city by her business place to collect said stuff, I literally am ready to lose my $hit by this time but trying to keep calm because it's my mother and she's been of help since we came back home....The straw that broke the camel's back is when she tells me while I'm there that she gave him her number because he said he needs contact for me....Like WTF!, after all, she knows of this dude why????? Why in the ever-loving universe would she give him her number knowing I didn't want that?!!!!!

So I started off calmly letting her know I wasn't happy, but then she started dismissing it like it was her choice to give her number, thing is why didn't she call me before she even agreed to accept the stuff?? That part has me pissed too like don't make decisions for me that affect me, so we were back and forth until she started saying you can leave now...I eventually just walked off steaming mad...I literally wanted to throw those stuff away( was like junk food; snacks, etc) nothing that baby should really be eating.   
Anyway, she hasn't spoken to me since, I heard her talking loudly to her companion about it when she came home that evening.  
Am I wrong in my reaction? I feel betrayed in a way like after all I've gone through with this dude why be ""friendly"" with him, it's like his family has banded with him and support him but my own Mother can't stand with me?

Thanks for reading

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_past
Question 68,"Title: got the restraining order

Text: I’m more happy than anything. He looked utterly and completely miserable at the trial, lost 10 pounds and a bunch of hair. I represented myself (I don’t recommended it) and was more competent than his idiotic bungling lawyer. I got a three year PFA immediately. God bless. 

But it’s not enough. i still want to break his kneecaps or pursue a criminal or civil lawsuit even though i have no witnesses or police reports. Hmmmm

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_past
Question 69,"Title: I'm not sure what to do anymore...

Text: I've been struggling with an ed since I was 7 and I've been self harming on and off between 11-15 but when I turned 16 it became something I do all the time. I've delt with family problems all my life and I've always just lived with it but now I don't know what to do. I get hurt by my family all the time but they all have an excuse (they say it's an emotional or health reason for them treating me like literal trash). I haven't talked to a psychiatrist in a long time but I think I should. I had a mental breakdown/ anxiety/ panic attack (I'm not sure which one but it felt like them all) in school and I had to be sent home. I told my mom a long time ago that I needed help b/c of my ed but she didn't do anything. It took me to cry my eyes out and not be able to breathe in school for her to realize I was struggling. She found out about my self harmming and I just try to pretend that she doesn't know. But now I can't do any of my school work and I can't sleep without hurting myself (It's a daily thing or whenever I feel really sad or even when I feel really happy). My cuts have gotten deeper and closer to my wrist, I don't feel anything, I just don't care. I really don't know what to do anymore.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 70,"Title: I (18m) got sexually harassed by my mother

Text: It happened last night and I'm still too shook to even think about what I'm going to do.

For context, I live alone with my mother, both of us are home 24/7. She is unable to work due to chronic illness, and I am taking a break, so to speak, from school for mental health and disability reasons (autism, adhd, bpd).

My mother has very unstable moods (she is not diagnosed, but one of her former doctors suspected bipolar disorder, which I could definitely see).
She often lashes out at me over tiny things, yells at me, compares me to my abusive father (who was also a sex trafficker). As I already struggle with anxiety and self deprecation, her behavior is always incredibly triggering for me. So, last night, when she freaked out because I didn't take out the trash (when she didn't ask me to), I made the mistake of standing up for myself and demanding she treat me with respect from now on.

She tried to end the argument she started by going to bed and ignoring anything I had to say. I didn't want to let it go so easily. She had thrown some of the trash she wanted me to take out onto my bed, and I told her to get up and clean it up. At first she refused, but then suddenly, she jumped out of bed, that's when I realized she was shirtless. As she walked past me, she grabbed her naked tits and shoved them into my face.

I am disgusted and terrified. I don't understand why she would do this. The only explanation I can think of is that I remind her of my father so much that she is taking revenge for what he did to her. But on me instead of him. I don't know. I want to get away from her. I have for a while, but now I can't even look her in the eye anymore. Thing is, we're both on government support, and they wouldn't help me pay rent for my own place until I'm 25. I genuinely don't know what to do. Do I just pretend this never happened?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_ongoing
Question 71,"Title: I just want to be someone’s priority

Text: It’s been really difficult to admit to myself but I’ve realised recently that I am no one’s priority anymore. I’m single and have a small circle of close friends, but they are all in relationships so understandably their priorities are their partners. So at the end of the day when I want to just chat or have someone to invite to things I always feel like I’m bothering my friends or we have to organise things months in advance to even hang out properly as everyone settles down and moves on with their own lives and I’m left by myself. It’s difficult but I don’t want to burden anyone with this or make them feel guilty as this isn’t anyones fault it’s just how things are.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 72,"Title: I’m starting to realize how tiring loneliness is…

Text: I’m in my last year of college and I’ll be leaving with zero friends. Just like I did in high school. It’s been getting increasingly more exhausting to keep going. I go multiple days without a single irl conversation. 

I suppose maybe it’s my fault for not putting myself out there more, I’m just not sure if I’m cut out for it. I guess I don’t really have a right to complain but I’m doing it anyway. Any kind words you could share would go a long way.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 73,"Title: A problem for years...

Text: It's been a while since I resumed my treatment for depression, but I no longer know how clear my diagnosis is and that overwhelms me a lot.  I'm only with my psychiatrist, who is wonderful, but the psychologist that I had, I feel that she forced me to think things that she believed about me and in the end I left her.  I am currently taking fluxetine and lamotrigine, 2 of each, and clonazepam at night.  I don't feel like myself, anxiety attacks me strongly and I wonder a lot if it could be that the final diagnosis is not depression... my psychiatrist evaluates me in each session, now he wants to know if I have features of the autism spectrum. ..and I feel very strange, I feel too much energy and also that I cannot release my emotions, it is as if I have become a robot and I am on autopilot, fulfilling everything but without realizing it.

My memory is working like shit, i cannot remember things that i did like a few minutes ago...at night i have struggles to sleep and the clonazepam dosis isn't working well...im really tired...

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 74,"Title: Anxiety of taking pills

Text: I, 22M, have been on Escitalopram for depression (no anxiety) with almost no side effects and prescribed Xanax for emergencies. After some time the escitalopram stopped working and I started taking paroxetine, which worsened my condition, and after a dose increase it completely messed me up and I had started tapering off of it. Even with the tapering process I became ill due to severe withdrawal symptoms which I suffered through for a week until I could get an appointment with my GP. The doctor claimed I have unexpectedly high susceptibility to this sort of medications (SSRIs) and dosage increase/tapering should be done more gradually than usual. So I started taking sertraline which helped my depression but made me nauseous (beyond the usual 2 weeks of normal side effects) and also, based on what other people told me, made me quite aggressive and irritable. So I went back to escitalopram, but a new psychiatrist that I decided to visit decided that I should go off escitalopram and start taking fluoexetine, he suggested I drop the 10 mg of escitalopram I was on (in the beginning I was at max dose of 20 mg) for two days and start the new drug, I explained what happened with the paroxetine and that I don't think I can go through this sort of extreme withdrawal again, so he suggested I taper off of it by taking 5 mg for 10 days, wait 2 days and then star the fluoexetine. Two days after I lowered the dose I became sick again, due to withdrawal (recognized it right away) and it was WAY worse than the first time, I was unable to function let alone go to work. I live alone and quite far from my parents, don't really have any close friends, and I was having non-stop crying fits and panic attacks, nausea, diarrhea even puked a couple of times due to stress. I tried to reach the psychiatrist but to no avail...I had to go back to my parents as I was afraid of harming myself, the psychiatrist answered my message a week later asking why I was even taking the escitalopram when he instructed me to take fluoexetine...I had a piece of paper with his instructions where what I previously wrote was clearly stated...I found a new and expensive psychiatrist and went to her for guidance and she suggested I take mirtazapine, but I couldn't do it. Every pill I take, even ones I took before (Xanax even) make me anxious to the point of panicking out of fear from having a bad reaction or even an allergic reaction (which I have only had for penicilin when I was 7, once), I never had anxiety before and even the Xanax was for when I feel extreme sadness and not for anxiety, so now I have anxiety too and I am afraid of taking the new pills and am kinda lost...Any suggestions on how to move forward from here will be appreciated. 
To be clear, when I realized the psychiatrist, who barely took family history from me and mocked me for the reason I was depressed during our meeting, didn't remember his own medication plan I didn't bother taking the fluoexetine and simply waited on 5 mg of escitalopram until my meeting with the new psychiatrist, which was today.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 75,"Title: Why do I fall so easily for people?

Text: I feel so pathetic… whenever someone I just exchange I word or two with some girl, I always end up daydreaming about how both of us could rule the world. No matter how hard I try to pass the thoughts away, I just can’t. In the end I always just get more and more sadder and lonelier.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 76,"Title: My brother has growing delusions and I do not know what to do.

Text: My brother (26M) has started to accuse me (23M) of things I have not done. most recently, he accused me of messing with his bong by ""shoving it up my ass"" because he thinks it smells ( I had to stop smoking because of drug tests. I have not interacted with his smoking items in 6+months), taking things from his room like money, clothes, and other various items. Saying I am the reason his life is ruined and I conspire against him every day. He has told me I am a ""demon"" and that I'm not his real brother.

In the past 3 years, he has told me about events that logically can not be true. He has said to me that the friend he had a falling out with, is in our house and is sleeping with our mother. He told me has heard voices throughout the house (these conversations happened 2+ years ago as we have not talked about anything serious in a long time). He has accused my friends of coming into the house and stealing things that he ends up finding weeks later. He constantly thinks my mother (62f) is having an affair with random people (I explain why I think he accuses her of this later in the post) and accuses her of being a ""slut"" and other profanities. Extremely paranoid about cars (like FedEx) driving up to the house. Constantly asks why my mother and I go out to our pole barn (where our cars are parked). Thinks people are stealing his credit card information when he is checking out at a store.

To give a bit of back story (apologies for the long read but I truly appreciate it): My brother and I have always had a bit of a rocky relationship, which got substantially worse when he started college and I was still in high school. We would constantly argue and fight and there was one fight in particular where things got very serious. My brother came back from the bars drunk and was verbally abusive to my parents. I came outside my room to see the current situation. I saw him yelling at my parents and pushing my mother. At this point I got in his face and pushed him - this started an all-out brawl between him and I. The fight continued and escalated to the point of him grabbing an axe and running at me with it. My parents tackled him and restrained him as I ran away to call 911. Cops came and he was arrested on aggravated assault and destruction of property charges. My parents and I dropped those charges as we did not want to ruin his future. When he was allowed back home (something like 72 hours with our consent, from what I remember) he profusely apologized to me and promised to never drink again, which he has upheld.

Since that fight, we have been civil. But there is an unspoken vibe between us that things are still odd and we do not talk much because of it. I had been away at college for 4 years following that which actually helped our relationship. During my time away at college, he has been in constant fights (non-physical) with my mother. He also accuses her of conspiring against him every day and also calls her a demon.

 A bit of back story on my mother: Very proud, stubborn, and strong-willed person. I love her to death but she cannot admit when she is wrong. For example, My brother was DNA tested about 5 years ago and when the results came back, he matched with an unknown aunt with the last name we both recognized. I then was DNA tested about 3 years ago to find out that we a fully brothers and also matched with the same aunt with the same last name we recognize. I say we recognize this last name because it is the last name of the person my mother was having an affair with while my dad was off flying around the world being a pilot. My brother and I both remember being on dates with our real dad and could recall very specific events. 2 weeks ago, I recently confronted my mother about this situation as I know my brother resents my mother for this and not telling us but I know he would never say anything to her regarding it. We sat down for dinner and drinks and in the middle of it, I told her. She completely denied it at first but then towards the end, finally admitted to it. This is a very long and complicated situation that probably deserves its own separate post (I've made peace with this a long time ago as I knew probably since the age of 13). I only bring this point up because it makes my brother very angry and causes him to fight (non-physically) with my mother all the time but he will never bring it up. I confronted her about this because  I wanted to give insight into his anger because my mother does not understand where his anger comes from, but now, I do not either.

I do not want to anger him and I do not want to escalate anything. I have learned there is no way I can reason with him even though I give logical explanations of the things he accuses me of. I will be leaving the house soon as I am moving out west to work, but I worry for my parents. I know these are some symptoms of schizophrenia but how would I be able to suggest he needs a psychological evaluation? He is causing constant havoc and ruining their lives. Any helpful suggestions/possible recommendations/similar stories are greatly appreciated. Thank you to whoever took the time to read this - I hope you have a great day, month, and years to follow :)

TL;DR: My brother has beliefs that are not real and they are increasingly getting more fantastical. He is ruining my parents' lives and I do not know how to approach him.

​

\- A concerned brother

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Question 77,"Title: I think I need serious help but I don’t know what’s wrong with me, please help

Text: A couple months ago I was encouraged by my parents to make a psychiatric appointment because of some concerns they had about me. I didn’t want to go at first but they quickly became upset when I showed signs of refusal. I gave into their demands and went on with two appointments. To cut it short both psychiatrists explicitly told me that they were considering what I had told them, so much so that they think that it’s very probable that I might have antisocial personality disorder. I asked if that meant I was a sociopath or psychopath but all they said was probable antisocial personality disorder is all they can say. They did add that I could be one of the two but that wasn’t something a psychiatrist would diagnose but rather a psychologist. I was surprised to hear that but anyways let me now tell you about what led them to say what they said and why I disagree completely.

So I’ll begin by making clear that I absolutely feel emotions and I’m one of the more empathetic people I’ve ever met. I feel a great deal of pain when I see someone in discomfort. But I do admit that I do have very odd desires and urges that make me question my description of myself as empathetic. I’ve always enjoyed destroying and burning things around the home as a child. I would always be in trouble for stabbing all the fruits and vegetables. I would also burn anything and everything I would burn well but wouldn’t damage the home. These actions may seem like something many kids do but I don’t have my concerns only because of these issues. When I had my first pet, a tabby, I would always think about how weak and fragile she was. I would touch and grab her legs and necks feeling all the points in which I knew I could snap. I never did anything and have never done anything to a pet that would harm them but I did begin to do some things I wasn’t proud of. I started by putting pillows over the cat’s face. The discomfort of the cat was odd and fascinating but I definitely felt bad so I stopped very quickly. I stopped in no more than 10 or 15 seconds. Later I would wrap my hands around the neck of the cat but I would never squeeze just enough to feel the fragility of the cat’s neck and to know I could do it if I wanted to. Once I was older in my teens, especially my late teens, I began to have these urges and desires toward humans. I don’t want to get into my thoughts in detail because they might be too alarming but I will explain it this may. I often want to have someone in the same position I had my cat. Completely vulnerable and under my control. I get a great sense of euphoria from imagining a scenario like this. I often wish I could hold someone against their will and do what I will with them. It would never be as nice if they were consenting. What I will to do with them ranges from odd to completely abhorrent and I’m very fucking ashamed of myself. But the feeling that I can have what I can’t have right next to me at all times, under my control and at my will is the greatest feeling I can imagine. The euphoria I get from this I would describe as the type of euphoria you get when you are extremely concentrated in something you are interested in and/or enjoy. I feel these desires most to the types of people that I feel are least accessible to me. People that I feel are the most untouchable. An extremely well built male or a very attractive wealthy female are great examples. Famous people are probably the most desirable. I assume this is the desire to have what is least possible to attain. I only think the types of people I want under my control are also the types of people I find most similar to people I’ve met or known that I felt I couldn’t approach or felt that they felt they were above me. I will say it is more than just a desire to control and do what I will. I also love the idea of dissecting. I never got to dissect a frog like the old high school movie clique but I would most like a combination of dissection and live unwilling participant. I will NEVER do any of this because my empathy overrides their horrible urges and desires. I’ve begun to hate myself so I understand how many of you may feel and I apologize sincerely.

So I disagree with the two psychiatrists because they seem to think I lack emotions or empathy which is not the case in any way. I do think I’m a sadist not a sexual sadist because I get no sexual pleasure from these urges and desires. But again I don't know what to make of these things. I would love to hear what you guys think. I want to change and I’m ready to change, I just need to know what my problem is first in order to properly address it.

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Question 78,"Title: I don’t care anymore

Text: People in life are starting to suck, I have no friends, or close family members. I don’t even care anymore, I just lay in my bed all day, and let my body rot. I have no motivation for friendships, my relationship, my family, education. I’m over everything right now, I wish there was a pause button on life where you could just pause everything and everyone and unpause when your ready to come back.

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Question 79,"Title: Is it ok for a man to send this to a woman at work?

Text:   

Ok don't cry **Stacy**, I am not going to let this kill you, push you over the edge of sanity, or ruin your Christmas.  We'll figure it out and do the best we can.

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Question 80,"Title: Me not being employed for several, several months has taken a huge toll on my mental health.

Text: I've had a job coach even before my job search. (She helped me with my last job.) She is nice. However, today I cried at the appointment since I am frustrated (and insert other emotions) about not having a job for, as I mentioned, many months. I just want a job ASAP and I know I need to put work in but I have. I'm over it. I know my job coach told me not to give up but I feel dejected getting rejection letters and not finding jobs that I can do. I feel like I need a miracle.

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Question 81,"Title: Could someone talk to me?

Text: I know i come here often and I'm sorry for that but I'm really not ok

Please be at least 21

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Question 82,"Title: I just told my mom for the first time that I was raped

Text: She opened up to me about her getting raped when she was 12. And I told her. We cried and hugged eachother. I feel kind of awkward amd exposed, but I also feel relieved that she knows.. that SOMEONE finally knows. 

I’ve never told anybody.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
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Question 83,"Title: Should I expose them?

Text: 3 months ago my boyfriend got raped by my cousins and we reported it to the police and they aren’t doing much they keep asking for more evidence and there addresses.. anyways I have been thinking about exposing them on social media because I want to make them very embarrassed of what they have done… but I want to do it how I don’t have to go into detail just want to say they are rapist.. I don’t even know what to do.. I just don’t like how they are living their best life’s while we are here suffering… I don’t want anyone else to get rape too! It seem like they’ve done this before because they wash him after they were done. Someone give me advice :(  plus they are considered to be the perfect people in the family and I want the family to know they are not good people

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Question 84,"Title: Made my mom cry today

Text: I'm still under my parents insurance and they know I was assaulted but no details. It happened two months ago but my neck is still injured from the rape. I had to ask my mom if I can go see a physiotherapist (she said yes) and she wanted to know why. She cried while on the phone with me it made me feel bad tbh. Do you think I need to tell my physiotherapist what happened too? Or can I just say I injured it?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_past
Question 85,"Title: I WON.

Text: I DID IT

Here's the excerpt from the email I got:

>The Hearing Panel finds A responsible for violating Policy Item #1: Non-Consensual Sexual Intercourse – for proceeding to have sexual intercourse with OP despite multiple indicators that OP was incapacitated and thus well beyond the point of giving reasonable consent due to excessive consumption of alcohol.

Holy shit, I cried out ""YES, YES, HELL FUCKING YES"" and collapsed on the floor when I read the news.

This phantom of bullshit that has haunted me for over a year is gone.

I feel alive, I feel fearless, like I could burn the whole wide world if anyone dares fuck with me or anyone I love ever again. I've been writing messages thanking my friends who have stood by me for their support, and the hearing panel for their sound judgement.

**If any of you are doubting yourselves or your own power when considering wether or not to report an abuser, I encourage you to make the most empowered decision and do it if at all humanly possible, because you are capable.** You are made of blood, fire, and steel, and even if it's the most painful thing you ever have to do, it is so worth it. Hold abusers responsible, give em hell, no matter what you have to do--gather everything you've got, channel all your hurt into rage, and don't take shit. Rape can make you believe you have no power over yourself, but you do, more power than you think. You have more than enough power to strike down your attacker's lies and to take back everything that was taken. 

Motherfucker is banned from campus for two years, until I'm projected to graduate, and his transcript will always have this ruling on there if he decides to apply to someplace else. Knowing this guy's got a penchant for substance abuse, I'll be surprised--nah, disappointed--if he doesn't overdose on some shit before that two years is up. Sound mean? Fuck no. This has hurt me and my loved ones more than it will ever, ever hurt him. But now, I am more joyous than he will ever, ever be.

Eat shit and die, worm.

Oh, and P.S, about the Title IX coordinator, for those who've read my last couple posts. Remember that video I submitted which he straight up disregarded in his investigation? Turns out that was the strongest evidence I had to present to the panelists, and was actually listed as one of the top reasons why they came to their conclusion. So yeah, I'll be speaking with somebody about him.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
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Question 86,"Title: I was raped by a man as a man, 2.5 years later I’m questioning I am a man or woman.

Text: Do you think this could be an effect of the assault or that they are unrelated. I’m honestly just so unsure of things at the moment. I’ve never really felt at home in my body or appearance before but I want to make sure I’m not thinking about who I am because of someone else’s actions on me. It’s still very hard to talk about details of the assault be he penetrated me till finish. I’ve definitely had the urge to “reclaim” what happened to me, to make it my own and safe again. But it’s never made me feel like I wasn’t a man. I just made me feel taken advantage of. So I guess I’m not sure if this feeling of not knowing who I really am stems from the assault itself or something else

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
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Question 87,"Title: (16M) My little sister just told me that she got raped

Text: So my little sister 15 years old told me she got raped by our neighbour during the night a couple days ago how and she was crying for an hour but now she’s sleeping in my bed and I’m just like idk what I can do to comfort her she’s already told police and got a rape kit done but I need to know what I can do for her to make her less sad or more comfortable and anything I shouldn’t do or say

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Question 88,"Title: I was raped by my fiancé and now I feel broken.

Text: Throwaway. On mobile so I apologise for any formatting troubles.

A few days ago I was raped by the man I am supposed to be marrying. I have been raped previously by another partner which I received therapy and had felt more confident leaving that part of my life behind. My fiancé knows of my experience. 

Since taking a medication that is vital to keeping me healthy and out of hospital my sex drive had decreased significantly. At first my fiancé was very supportive and understanding. However, as time went on he became more and more ""pushy"" in regards to sexual activity. He would request over and over for things hoping I would give in. A couple of times when we did have consensual sex I found him to be a bit forceful which I confronted him about and he apologised. 

This occasion I requested a back rub as due to my health issues I suffer pain in my spine often. He agreed however quite quickly he was on top of me and removing my trousers and his own. I said no several times. He put his full weight on me when I tried to get up saying ""no, enough"" so I was then pinned down. He then began to rape me roughly which was very painful and I cried out no more times and ""you're hurting me"". He didn't respond and continued until I burst into tears and cried out again from the pain and fear. After I began crying he got up off me and I barely heard him say ""went too far"" over and over to himself. I felt numb for a long time the rest of the day during which he kept apologising and saying that he felt like something came over him and he lost control. 

I came to this page to get this off my chest as holding it in was crushing me as I don't have anyone to speak to about it at the moment. I've been feeling in a bit of a daze ever since. He has begged for forgiveness but I've told him it can't be given. 

I'm sorry for this long post and thank you to everyone who reads this. It's the first time I've spoken/wrote about what happened.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
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Question 89,"Title: I was raped in my sleep by my boyfriend

Text: My boyfriend and I fell asleep together last night, like every night. He knows I’ve been struggling with my chronic illnesses and I just got a new IUD not too long ago, but I’m still getting used to it. Around 5am I woke up to the feeling of him inside of me and about to cum, but I was still so out of it that I couldn’t say no before he came inside of me. I got up and he immediately realized that I was asleep before, trying to get me to stay in bed. 

Apparently I was grabbing him in my sleep and woke him up, then I turned over in my sleep and he decided to fuck me. He said he didn’t realize I was asleep until I got up. I don’t remember grabbing at him and maybe I wasn’t even trying to. 

He keeps apologizing to me and says he would never do anything to hurt me, but I’m still really struggling with this. He’s my life partner practically and I don’t know what to do or how to go forward. All I can say is “I know” when he apologizes to me.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
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Question 90,"Title: Complicated feelings of seeing your abusive ex with his new GF

Text: About a year ago, I finally ended things with my emotional and sexually abusive partner of over 5 years. When we were together, I knew he was being emotionally abusive, and I knew he was doing things sexually that I did not truly consent to, but I let myself be convinced that I was just a prude or had a low sex drive. He even convinced me to spend hundreds of dollars on a sex therapist because of my “sex drive problems.” It wasn’t until the clarity after the fact that I realized he’d really been assaulting me, which has apparently resulted in more trauma than I realized.

I’ve spent the list year putting my life back together and it’s mostly been really great. I’ve gotten back into the things I was doing less of, because he convinced me that they were too stressful on me. I’ve made lots of new friends through these things. I would like to start dating again, but have only been on one date, several months ago, where I almost had a panic attack when the poor dude tried to kiss me. This was what got me re-thinking everything and made me realize that the idea of someone touching me causes me physical nausea.

And now we’re all in quarantine. Last weekend, I saw my ex out on his motorcycle with a girl, his new girlfriend I assume. This has given me a lot of confusing feelings:

\-Jealousy and hurt that she gets to enjoy the good version of him. Things were great with the good version of him.

\-Anger at myself for missing that version of him.

\-Jealousy and anger that he gets to spend quarantine happy with someone, whereas I’m barely keeping my shit together alone in my house with barely any personal contact. That is some infuriatingly unfair bullshit right there.

\-Anger at the fact that this girl, along with everyone else in his life, has definitely been fed a story about how I’m a complete bitch, and I’m sure he’s getting lots of “I’m glad you have someone better for you” types of comments. I hate that him and I are the only ones who know what really happened. And it’s probably really only me, since I’m sure he sees a whole different truth, in which case, how do I know I haven’t been totally delusional all along?

\-Concern for this girl’s mental and physical well-being down the line

\-Probably other things I can’t quite articulate

I'd come so far, but now I'm a hot mess at the worst possible time. I’ve been feeling physically sick since I saw them, so thankfully I managed to get an appointment with a therapist for later this week. Hopefully I can finally start working through all this bullshit. I don’t feel like I can really talk to anyone in my life about this, so I’ve just been carrying it around with me.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","domesticviolence_past,rape_past"
Question 91,"Title: lost virginity to rape

Text: So, I have to get this off my chest since this topic had been brought up around me 3 times this week, randomly. And after 3 and a half years since it happened it started to fuck with my brain again. 
Idk if some people dont think this is rape but it was one of the worst things that happened to me so i really dont know what else to call it..
Three yrs ago I was a 17 y/o female in a new city, in a dorm and un a new school. I was the new girl so pretty much i got to meet the whole school including this guy. I talked to him a couple of times, heard he was mentioning me here and there and it seemed like we have a lot in common. We were both crazy about raves and techno so i think u can guess where I'm going with this. 
One day after school he sent me a text to come to some sketchy place( i didnt know it was a rly bad place to be at). He asked me if i wanted to come there and basically get high (idk what emgliyword to use, its a slang here). So i thought that ge wanted to smoke some weed listen to music get to meet each other..i was really desperate for friends at the time. 
Its rly sad tp see those msgs again, i was soso naive and dumb i rly thought it was some harmless fun. I even asked him if i can bring a friend n a speaker or smthn.. extremely cluelessand dumb
So i get there and we go and we get on an abandoned train. I was kinda weirded out but it looked cool to me at the time so i didnt think much of it. When we swt there he started to draw lines of speed, i was rly confused and in shock but, because i  liked drugs v much at the time and wanted friends i said fuck it n we statyed to snort them for half an hour, we talked about music and many other things and it was kinda fun. Then he asked me if i wanted some ecstasy (this guy always had shit on him) and , already being high and more relaxed, i said yes. Everything was realllt platonic. The pill stsrted to kick in and i was just enjoying myself, we wete still talking about casual stuff. After half an hour he offered me another one (they were really really strong) andi took it..
Than I noticed he didn't take any E AT ALL. i didnt notice that before. Now i know why. That stuff started to hit me HARD, i had no balance and he sat next to me just to hold my head up, i was starting to melt, in a bad way. 
Things rhat happened after that are really blurry. I remember him being really gentle with me while grtting closer and closer to me. Then he started touching me and put my hand down his pants. I was still a virgin so i was freaking out but i was so out of my mind that i couldnt react. Than he stood me up and bent me over, i staryes crying (one of the few thing i could do with my body at the time) and told him i was on my period and that i dont have much experience and how uncomfortable and fucked up i felt. He was just calmibg me down telling me to to relax that its gonna be fine and decided to do it the harder way
I will never ever forget that moment, i went outside my body and kind of passed out but i still felt everything. Then thr mdma started to kick in even more and i was unable to move, speak and, eventually, see. 
After that he saw how ruined and incapable to even talk or walk and he took and carried me home. ( I was knocked out but half awake the whole time, crying drooling and fallinf all over the place
He gave me 2 more pills before we came to his flat. 
Then the worst 8 hours of my life happened. I could go into terrible details but to make the long story short, during those 8 hours i was on more than 7 pills  which he just stuck in my mouth. The fact that that was my first sexual experience makes me so fucking mad. It was me, wirh my head in a pillow, drooling, unable to speak and move and him doing really fucking disturbing shit to me. He would come  to hug me and calm me down every now and then when i started crying. I dont think i spokr a word the whole night. (He was doing speed and god knows what the whole time to stay awake)
When the morning came he put my clothes on me and took me to a bus to take me to my dorm. I was awake but mentally i wasnt there. I was in the worst pain in my life and in pure shock. I layed on the bed for 7 hours, told a roomate ( one out of 2 people who know about this) and went home to my parents. I hot into the biggest depression of my life and decuded to move to another school in another town. I cant stand that city.. 
3 n a half yrs later, im in uni, in a great relationship and pretty happy. But this has been haunting me for some time now evrn tho i didnt think abour it for 3 yrs. I still know what happened to me was rape but the fact that i took the drugs makes me feel soso guilty and im still questioning myself over everything. 

U dont need to commment or give advice or anything i just wanted to get this out of my brain and put it somewhere else for a bit.  I wont even read through this,ty guys and stay safe out there 💕

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
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Question 92,"Title: I know it’s not my fault but why does this happen to me so many times like a handful of times over the years multiple people have raped/SA me catcall me harass me irl and online

Text: Like I’m doing all right at the moment I guess it definitely fucked me up and I’m having trouble functioning in life but I’m not suicidal anymore I’m definitely unstable and away, it happened three times this year. And multiple times the previous years, some from acquaintances some from strangers some from people I can’t even remember who or their faces were because I was drugged I don’t know I’m just tired of people doing this to me I don’t even ask for it I don’t even have a libido at all anymore and since I have only fans now as my source of income a lot of people think I’m easy or down but I’m not at all whatsoever . Anyone know y this keeps happening? This happens to people once or twice but 10+ times is a lot like why me

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
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Question 93,"Title: An awesome prevention tip from my therapist

Text: I've been trying to stop self-harm for probably about a year now, but I've always been too afraid to commit to throwing away my tools.

The other day, my therapist gave me some GENIUS advice: put them in a conyainer filled eith water and freeze them. That way, if you get the urge, you can't just do it impulsively. You have to wait for the ice to melt.


I currently have my blades inside a plastic bag, inside a pill bottle filled with water, inside ANOTHER pill bottle filled with water, inside an ice cream container that is, you guessed it, filled with water. My hope is that next time I want to sh, I'll get so frustrated with trying to warm up and open container after container that I'll give up.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_past
Question 94,"Title: :(

Text: I've been mostly clean for 1 Yr and half I think but I feel so so bad right now. I really want to s***h my arms right now but a small part of me is scared I might regret it later. My scarring is already bad. I'm just so sad.
I feel humiliated.
Even when I ask for help I just get laughed at or rejected. Whats the point of trying so hard?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 95,"Title: i know this is going to be controversial but..

Text: every couple of days there is a post on here where someone is talking about how they don't feel valid because other people cut much deeper than them.

and while i completely empathise with you all, i've felt this way many times before, honestly it just really hurts to see so many people say this and it can be extremely damaging. i'm really sorry if i'm coming across as ignorant because this isn't the point at all.

my body is entirely covered with scars, and one of the reasons i will never wear shorts or short-sleeves is because i am so afraid of somebody seeing and thinking that their scars aren't deep enough.

unfortunately the only times i have worn short-sleeves in public was horrible.
people stared and looked absolutely disgusted, i got asked if i had escaped from a mental asylum, someone called me a ""slit-armed freak"", i got told to ""go home and cut yourself some more"". multiple people motioned as if they were slitting their wrists and then laughed.

i cannot even describe to you how horrible that is to experience, and i don't know if that is the kind of attention that your mental illness is telling you that you want—but i hope it's not.

deep scars, or just scars in general, do not prove anything. it doesn't mean you're hurting more or less than anyone else. we're all in this together, i promise. it's not a competition.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_past
Question 96,"Title: I can't control my anger unless I hurt myself.

Text: Pretty self-explanatory. I've tried lots of ""healthy"" coping mechanism for anger, like deep breathing, writing my feelings down,  etc.. It just seems like my body isn't physically capable of calming down unless I injure myself (slam my head against something, punch/cut myself, etc). If I don't hurt myself somehow, I'll just fester in my rage until it goes away after awhile, but I snap really easily while I wait for it to pass. 

I've even tried getting violent against inanimate objects instead, but that doesn't work either. 

I'm on a new birth control and it's making my anger even worse and even more uncontrollable. I don't take my anger out on others, but I'm worried I'll start to if I can't get myself together. I don't know what to do. I need help, but I feel like I'm out of options.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 97,"Title: 100 Days Clean!!

Text: I'm officially 100 days clean from cutting today. :) !!! This has been the longest I've been clean in a very long time after I relapsed this past summer with cutting and drinking heavily. I still struggle with other forms of self harm but I'm so happy to have gone this far. I've been counting down the days this past week every time I wanted to SH. My new goal after this is half a year and so on.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_past
Question 98,"Title: People who don't selfharm

Text: What do you think about people who selfharm?
Do you think that they are sad people?
Or do you think that they are just ill?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 99,"Title: I relapsed

Text: I relapsed 
It’s been a few weeks since I last did it and then I just did it and I needed to do it

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 100,"Title: my cat sat on my chest <3

Text: around my usual time i sh my cat came and laid on my chest for a while, almost like he knew what i was gonna do. idk sometimes cats just get it. anyway it just made me super happy and loved enough to atleast go one night without sh

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 101,"Title: Im getting bad urges

Text: Im in art college and today we’re doing sculpture, and i have my scalpel. Me and my boyfriend got into a fight over text and i just looked at the scalpel and it set me off, I dont have any first aid stuff with me so i cant do it but I really really want to and I will when I go home later

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 102,"Title: is this okay?

Text: so usually i just do little scratches because i got really icked out by swiping twice but its got much easier recently and i'm doing styros way more often. i normally clean up after shing by putting a lil hand sanitizer on my arms nd spreading it to get all the cuts, then leaving it to scab over for maybe 15-30m, and i have these socks that i cut the ends off of that i put on under my sleeves (to make sure they don't come up and show anything) and i just put those on straight after. is this safe w open styros? how can i reduce the risk of infection?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 103,"Title: I’m feeling super uncomfortable

Text: So, I’m posting here because I’m a little confused about how to handle a situation and I’ve written and deleted a few times, so I’ll just say this: a coworker (female) told me (male) that I said she had nice breast (knowing full well I didn’t say that, because that’s grounds for immediate termination, plus it’s super disrespectful) when I said she may be thinking of someone else or misheard me, she said no, she knows I said it. She also said she told a coworker. Where I’m at is how I should approach this, because she’s a fairly reactive person (she flies off the handle at small things) and I’m not sure if she would use this at a chance to get close to me then potentially screw me over if the results don’t find her benefiting. My girlfriend says I should just go straight to HR, and I think I should maybe try to talk to her. But I’m not sure which one to do. Anybody have any tips? Also, I can give a little more content if need be, but like I said, basically she randomly told me I had said that to her, knowing I didn’t, but she insists I did and she has told someone else...sorry if this is kind of rambling but if she is in a bad mood, she can basically tell the manager, have a witness, and I’m done for and I can’t afford to lose my job. Any advice is very welcomed and if you made it this far, I appreciate it.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 104,"Title: Is this sexual harassment?

Text: 

When i was in the third grade i was friends with this girl much older than me (around 14) mind you i was 8-9 years old, at my elementary school we had a daycare where your parents could drop you off up to an hour before school started and then when the bell rang you could walk to your classroom, and after school you’d wait for your parents there. I was there with this girl, let’s call her Mya. Mya was in the 7th grade and i was in the 3rd grade, I always hung out with her at daycare after school since my dad is a doctor and he wouldn’t come pick me up until around 4:30 (2h after school ended) and Mya’s mom also worked late hours so we would always hang out together, I was also friends with this guy my age (Gr3) let’s call him Jordan, Jordan, Mya and I used to hang out all the time until one day, we made a fort under this table, no one could see in and no one could see out unless you moved the mat we had covering one of the enterances, Jordan, Mya and I were sitting in the fort all enclosed and we were talking when all of a sudden Mya said ‘Im going to teach you guys how to make out.’ She began kissing Jordan (without consent), it felt like forever (to be fair i did have a little crush on Jordan) but in reality it was only maybe 5s. She stopped kissing him and then told me to kiss him, when i said no she forced our heads together but i pulled away after a small peck, Mya told us
not to tell anyone, I never saw her in daycare again after that day. 

Im still in contact with Jordan to this day and he dosent think anything about it when i mentioned it but I only recently started wondering about that.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 105,"Title: My son (14M) is being accused of sexual harassment at school

Text: This week has been rough. On Tuesday I was called and informed that 3 girls were accusing my son (14) of inappropriate contact. On Wednesday one more. And then yesterday 5 more. It’s all made worse by social media, Snapchat. An “investigation “ has been started to find out what is going on. 

I have talked extensively to him to find out what is going on. He says he never had any sexual intention and that these people are his friends and associates. He is adamant that he did not sexually harass anybody. He has not been asked by anyone involved in the “investigation “ to defend himself and seems to me that they are digging up stories. All of the incidents that have been extremely vaguely presented to me sound like normal human teenage interaction and this is completely being blasted out of control. 

I just don’t know what to do or how to handle it. Do I believe my son? Do I believe his accusers? Do I trust the school authorities to be impartial? Do I need a lawyer?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 106,"Title: I don't know what to consider this (FEW CURSE WORDS)

Text: 2019, im helping control a hockey game at one of the centers in my city, this man enters, he looks about in his mid 40's and first acts friendly. he finds his designated seat and goes and sits there for about 10-20 minutes, he comes up the stairs and becomes more ""friendly"" starts talking to me, and presumably goes and buys a beer. he comes back goes down the stairs. game starts, hes back again buying another goddamn beer. as soon as he reaches me, he makes himself more comfortable, standing closer and putting his almost full arm on the wall where i was standing RIGHT above my right shoulder while making me uncomfortable, he tells me something(i cant really remember what) and leaves(at this point hes drunk), buys a beer and comes back. Intermission comes and hes BACK buying another beer. He puts his hand on the wall getting closer and puts his hand on my shoulder, i get veryyyy uncomfortable. intermission ends and hes back, he tells me ""take that shirt off, i wanna see whats underneath"" and then decides to touch my side(aka my lower hip) and suddenly im like ""what the fuck""(in my mind) and left extremely uncomfortable and he comes back to his seat, middle of the game he leaves and never comes back. I can't tell anyone because 1. Im terrified as fuck and want to run in the bathroom and sob and 2. I dont know where the fuck he went, so I'm standing outside the arena and frantically looking everywhere, hoping he doesnt come back and thats kinda where it all ends. I'm scared, confused and felt just weird. Im running and trying to get to the area i usually am when i first clock in.

what would this be considered as? would this be considered as sexual harassment?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_past
Question 107,"Title: What should I do?

Text:  

I feel like I have no one to talk to about this so I thought I would try this route.

I am a female in a male dominated work field, I do not go out in the field but I am the wizard behind the curtain.

There is a local business owner that I have worked with or many many years (which I have build a repor with him) and yesterday he made some comments to me over the phone and it has made me feel real uneasy.

All calls are recorded on my end but I just wanted the call to end and there was another person in the room and I just went along with it.

Also, the management of my current work place is non existent (my manager has not been handling Covid very well and has been very irresponsible along with other things as well.)

I am not sure what to do at this point or where to go. Like my stomach has been in knots and I dont know what to do.

The only thing is that since I wanted him off the phone so bad that I am afraid I screwed myself since I went along with the comments.

A part of me wants to let it go but I don't know if I can. Like I feel betrayed by this business owner.

You can PM me for details.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_ongoing
Question 108,"Title: Creepy Customer

Text: I (18 Female) work as a cashier in an area where customers often call ladies ‘hun’ ‘sweetie’ ‘darlin’ etc. the vast majority of the time it’s fine and they aren’t saying it in a creepy way and I’m used to it so it’s no bother. Today an old man (probably late 60’s) got in my line and started started out calling me the above names which was fine but his tone was a little creepy. Then after I finished scanning everything and the bagger was finishing putting it in his cart as I handed him his receipt he leaned a little close and said “red heads are my favorite” (I have red hair). I don’t think this really classifies as sexual harassment but it made me feel so uncomfortable and honestly just gross, my bagger definitely heard it too and I just felt so embarrassed which is so unfair like he’s the one who should be embarrassed saying something like that. I don’t want to misuse this subreddit but I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone else about it because even thinking about it makes me feel so much shame.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 109,"Title: Well... maybe by this time in 2023 I'll do it

Text: I already have the plans and the ways... Just hope i wont fail (well actually i hope life gets better by that time but if won't then well... You know well what'll happen)

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 110,"Title: If you thought about killing yourself today and you didn't

Text: Know that I am proud of you, that I think of you, and that you won today.

And tomorrow we will fight again until things get better.  We can do this. We are not alone.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 111,"Title: I don’t know if I’m strong enough to deal with the consequences of my own actions

Text: I’ve been trying, I swear. I quit a lot of bad habits to try and find peace, I’m even gonna start going to a therapist, if I get there, and still it’s worthless, I don’t know how much I got left. It just feels there’s no other way out of this shithole I put myself into, it’s 200% all my fault…

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 112,"Title: procrastinating from kms

Text: my urge to kms is at an all time high. I feel like I'm only getting through by putting it off day by day or sometimes hour by hour. I'm not sure how much longer I can do this. feeling very alone and hopeless. I'm blacklisted by my local crisis team so I can't call them :(

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 113,"Title: Too much of a pussy to kill myself

Text: Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 114,"Title: I hate how your brain teases you with random moments of motivation/hope/joy/etc. then plunges you back into feeling like subhuman trash for days or weeks on end

Text: I feel like I have nothing worth living for, my music sucks ass, which is the only thing I care about. I'm very grateful my parents care about me but I feel like this isn't getting better no matter how much I've tried. My therapist appointment is so far away even though its only thursday. I've tried holding on, but for some reason it just gets worse.

edit: dumbass spelling error

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 115,"Title: My Life Is A Losing Game

Text: Why continue to play?

It’s a lose lose situation.

I don’t want to play to lose anymore and we all know there’s no winning.

None of us make it out of here, alive, to my knowledge.

Why do I have to wait for the inevitable?

I’m ready. I’m not afraid. 

I’m more afraid I’ll continue having to inhabit this body and mind.

I won’t act on these thoughts because I can’t purposefully leave this world.
That would mean hurting the few who genuinely care and would likely never be the same.

I’ll just keep on losing until I’m lost.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 116,"Title: What’s the point of living if you can’t get better?

Text: Tell me.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 117,"Title: I’m ready to rest

Text: I’m 19 
Every day I wake up and my brain just doesn’t work anymore 
I’m sorry that I couldn’t crack uni out 
I want to go home but I am home 
I’m sick of splitting
I’m tired
I’m ready to go 
I really cannot do every day anymore 
I don’t get hungry 
My body is in pain all the time 
I tried to hang myself today 
I left a note 
It didn’t work 
I’m a failure 
I’m thinking to smoke all of my bud 
I live in the city with lots of crossings all on one big road 
I’m dumb but I don’t know what it’s called 
I think I’m going to just get really high 
And walk into traffic 
And if that doesn’t work I’m afraid of what lengths I’ll go 
I’m sorry 
And if you ever have the displeasure of having to read this 
I love you my Karma 
You couldn’t have loved me better 
I’m sorrry that I failed you 
If you ever miss me 
Look at the moon like we did 
And I’ll make it shine 
Yours and only yours 
L <3

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 118,"Title: I don't think life is worth living

Text: I have a caring family, few good friends and not so decent job. 

From childhood, I love to know about the universe and after knowing so many things about our existence. I don't feel like living. I know it sounds weird but think about it. Do you really think your life and human civilization have any impact on the universe? We are nothing.

Also, i don't feel like living. I saw everyone doing things which they don't even deserve and even after working hard I have nothing. There are so many things I don't have; like money, mental ans financial stability. I just want to cry and due but face of my family is stopping me from doing it.

I am stuck in my life. I don't know where I am going. Only thing that I have and which I can feel is pain, sadness and darkness. Should I die? Should I cry and live life like dead?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 119,"Title: I wish I would just get cancer, or a truck would hit me head-on

Text: I don't want to live anymore, but I don't want my friends and family to blame themselves, or think they should have seen the signs and stopped me.

I wish I could just choose when and where to die, but not be so fucking stimatized for it. I didn't ask to be born. I didn't consent to existence. Why then, should I be expected to... coerced to... *forced* to live by other people, by society, by total strangers, even by my own family? I'm miserable. Constantly. The only relief I get is when I sleep. 

I honestly wish that I was never born. It's not like I would miss out on anything, since I'd never have even existed to wish I could experience things in the first place. Now I feel like the next best option is just ending it all, but I'm trapped by this sense that I'll harm others by taking my own life.

Why can't suicide by normalized? Is it because regardless of any other mental or physical illness present, having suicidal ideations at all automatically makes a person crazy? Am I crazy because I just want to give up? How is it any different from giving up any other terrible choice, or taking yourself out of any other terrible situation. If there was an addictive drug that made people as miserable as life makes me, people would actively encourage quitting cold turkey. If people feel trapped by an addiction, others will actively help them to get free. Why can't I quit life? Why can't I quit my drug, my bad habit? Why can't I express the ultimate form of freedom and agency over one's own life and dictate the terms of my own death. Is that really so fucking wrong?

I wish I would just get cancer, or a truck would hit me head-on tomorrow moring while I drive to school. I don't want to play this game anymore. I don't want to use this drug anymore.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 120,"Title: Mom’s hatred makes me want to end it all but not at the same time

Text: Before starting: I can’t move out, I can’t work as of the moment and I know I have to reach out to a therapist, only started considering it.

I’m thankful for your time if you’ll read this. It’s a throwaway for a reason.
I just keep going back to the I want to end it all but I know I want the attention and the validation from others that my mother basically is abusive.

I had/have my second hardest period of my life although I’m 20 years old. My family knows that I’m suicidal, I’m the most sensitive person in this family I know that. I feel like I’m too sensitive for this, but trying to come off as independent, strong.
I’m not. I’m still the weak, scared little girl my mom started to hate. Because I’m different than her.

She threatens to throw away my pet, my belongings, to beat me, to kick me out, to humiliate me on a weekly if not daily basis. Everything I do is a mistake. I can’t ever be “perfect”. She projects lot of her behavior onto me I know that it’s just too much.
I recently lost a lot of people in my life (family member, friends, relationship), just gone through somehow my anorexia which my mother caused mainly (she’s extremely overweight and used to be as skinny as I am).
I’m a higher education student, and the new environment is hard I have to focus on my studies so I don’t work. I workout because that’s the only place where I get to relieve my stress (helps with ano).

I’m writing here because I don’t want to lose my battle but I’m scared one day something clicks and I’m gone forever. And she gets to live on while not caring she is the adult who needs the inner reflection.

Help? I guess?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 121,"Title: why is it so hard to leave ?

Text: I know everything I need to know about him. I know every single thing that should make me walk away from him yet I stay. god why I am I so stupid?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 122,"Title: Has anyone tried living seperately?

Text: So, I seperated from my other half a couple of months back. He has been emotionally and sexually abusive,  but it tends to be stuff like coercian, criticisms etc. 90% of the time he's a cool person.

Today I called him to end it. I love hanging out with him, but I can't bring myself to move back in.

He suggested we could try selling the house, getting our own flats and basically date without living together. To me this sounds perfect! I get my own space, we avoid a lot of the issues that cause flashpoints, and if anything does happen, I can walk away.

Has this worked for anyone else?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_past
Question 123,"Title: Family

Text: Where do I go if most DV shelters are for intimate relationships? I am homeless due to running from my absue and there are no DV shelters with space and if they have space I don't qualify for their shelter. I am 18 clean record and no kids

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 124,"Title: My boyfriend becomes a different person when he drinks. I have to get help for him and in turn, for myself. I think this community might be for me but If you could read my story i would be really appreciative.

Text: 
Possible TW - domestic violence. 

My boyfriend of nearly 2 years is a good person who provides for me emotionally and physically. He is so sweet and extra loving. He has hobbies and he works really hard. Except when he drinks/drugs. 

Ive known since the beginning that he does cocaine - and I believed him when he said it was occasional. I also know he binge drinks but it comes and goes in waves - or so I thought. Im starting to think he drinks at the gas station on his way home. 

In July of 2020 we decided to move in because the pandemic and we were always together. We had been out drinking that night. I dont know what happened or triggered it but I took a video during the event im about to mention.  (I have PTSD from my earlier life and black out traumatic events as a coping mechanism.) on the video i am hysterically crying and saying please stop while he screamed at me to get the fuck out and when I said something about S (his roommate who moved out that week -im sure by no coincidence) he said he doesnt give a fuck he will be as loud as he wants. There was a hole in the closet door when i woke up and the gun was not where it typically goes. I forgave him because i didnt remember it and i figured it must have been a fluke. 

Ff to December of 2020. I found out i was pregnant. We did not know what to do. I told him i wasnt sure and he wasnt either. H was asking hat i wanted to eat from Uber Eats and i said i didnt know. He broke a metal broom over his knee and threw it at the floor and said “you dont know anything do you.” We decided to keep it, but i had a miscarriage. 

Ff to April 2021. We share the same birthday and had just got back from pur birthday trip - which was lovely and we had no issues. We went to easter at my friends and then after we went out for a snacks. We ran into some coworker friends of his which prompted me to ask him why they lived in a shitty apt when I know how much they make and im sure they can agford better. I could have phrased it better but i was just asking, like maybe they have debt or maybe they have expensive hobbies. He started screaming at me in this super fancy restaurant. Everyone looked at me. I finished my food and went to find him at the car but the car was gone. I called an uber with only 3% battery and some random person gave me a cigarette while i waited. I got home but had no keys so i paid the uber driver to wait with me. My boyfriend showed up and i went inside the garage but he locked me in there. He left and went to a bar after throwing a house key at me. 

Ff to 2 nights ago. He knockd over the coat rack on accident and it completely broke. I got upset (i shouldnt have) and he lost his mind. He started screaming at me and then threw a bottle of cleaning supplies at our brand new fridge and dented it. Which just hurts, i put my whole soul into making this a home and he just destroys it. So i got mad enough to call his dad. 

He left And i told his mom and dad everything. The yelling, the throwing, the punching, the drugs and everything above. I was on the phone all night with his mom and both his mom and dad begged me to leave him and said he wouldn’t change. I almost did- i loaded my car with everything and my dogs and i almost left but the hotel that allows dogs had no availability so i came back. He came back the next morning with the most dead eyes, no soul in them. He told me he was at his drug dealers house all night. 

I spent the whole day finding a veterans rehab with a bed that can take him. But he starts a new job in less than the length of the program so i dont think i can convince him. The job would be about 75% of our income and we live in a very expensive western city and that will be his excuse but if he doesnt go there arent many good options. He wont make it like this. Does anyone have a suggestion for me? Please be kind

Thank you for reading.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_ongoing
Question 125,"Title: Worried about the effects of being around all the screaming/yelling long term

Text: Well after I called the cops on him for choking me, he is no longer being physical but he still is frequently verbally abusive. I never respond and usually just lay down and try to cover my face when he does so. Often I flinch because I’m still afraid of being hit. Anyway the yelling is very loud and mean and I have recently begun to have violent and horrible nightmares that seem like trauma or ptsd. I get very angry and tense in these dreams and defensive like I have to protect myself. I am worried. Does anyone know the long term affects of yelling on the brain?  What can I do to protect it short of leaving? Leaving isn’t an option for me.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_ongoing
Question 126,"Title: He pleaded guilty

Text: LAST MINUTE, because he didn't want to hear me testify. His lawyer was surprised by it last minute, thinking we were going to do the whole thing, but for some reason he changed his mind and just plead and that was that. 

No jail, but extensive domestic abuse classes and anger management as well as probation/drug testing. If he doesn't comply with the classes, he goes to jail for a year. He HAS to confront and admit his abuse and actively work on learning why it is so bad and damaging. I'm satisfied. He has to learn from his mistakes now instead of sitting in jail, stewing about how much he hates me and I tried to ruin his life (common comments of his) and not learning and taking responsibility. He used to say he's not afraid to go back, so I think this is a more proper route. 

&#x200B;

My states attorney told me I could write a note for her to read to him/the court and I took the opportunity. He tried to silence me for the last time, and it didn't work.

  
My message to him, which my states attorney read to him:  


""It is so unfortunate that things had to turn out this way, but at the same time I am glad it has, because I have learned and grown so much from this. I know myself and I know the truth, and I am stronger now after going through this. It is time for you to take responsibility for your actions. To quote (abuser): ""If you had just done what you were told, it wouldn't have to be like this.  


I hope you can find peace and love within yourself one day. ""

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_past
Question 127,"Title: My husband punched me for the first time

Text: I really can’t say I didn’t see it coming, it’s been escalating steadily for a few months. We used to have disagreements and conversations about it. That became shouting matches and then it became him just yelling at me with increasingly vulgar language. Then it became him physically shoving me aside to walk away. Then just pushing me back (hard) to express his anger.

Anyway, two days ago he finally hit me. I’m 35 and I’ve never been hit by anyone before. I assumed that if he hit me, he would slap or punch my face. Instead, he punched my stomach. I’m trying really hard to describe just how bad the pain was. It was like a sharp impact and then burning hot pain. I couldn’t breathe no matter how hard I tried and I don’t even remember falling, but my legs gave out and I was basically curled up on the floor. I had the worst stomach cramps and nausea I’ve ever experienced, I’m just grateful that I had barely eaten anything that day because even so, I so badly felt like hurling everything up. I did manage to crawl to the bathroom and spent a half hour heaving with absolutely nothing to bring up.

Two days later, I’m cramping and hurting every time I breathe. I haven’t eaten a thing, firstly because of the pain and secondly because I keep thinking of what if he hits me there again. My body feels completely violated. I can’t stop feeling incredibly vulnerable knowing that all it took was a single punch to mess me up so badly. It’s like reality just taught me that I’m physically weak and easy to hurt. 

I’ve barely come out of the spare room. He’s already told me that he’ll be telling me when and what I can eat. I just agreed because honestly I never want to get hit like that again. I chatted to his sister and told her what he did to me and she said I should toughen up because it’s just a punch in the gut. We’ve always been pretty close friends and I was devastated that she seemed so dismissive. I can’t even take my mind of what happened because I’m so hungry and unable to concentrate.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_ongoing
Question 128,"Title: Being called a bitch

Text: I never used to mind that word. I just thought it was another cuss word. But now hearing it makes my blood boil. My (23f) boyfriend (25m) made it personal.

He’s quick to call me a bitch. If he perceives me doing anything slightly disrespectful or “mean” to him, I’m being a bitch. And that’s scary, because I will just be going about my day, and if I even respond in a tone that’s not nice or happy, I’m accused of being a bitch to him. I’m being mean. I can’t have any attitude whatsoever because I’ll be labeled as one.

It doesn’t stop at the name-calling. What also happens when he thinks I’m being a bitch to him is emotional abuse. Physical abuse. He’s pulled my hair many times. Grabbed me by my neck and shoved me into couch. Slapped me. Pinched my skin so hard. Left me MANY bruises. Just today he kicked me hard multiple times on my leg while we were laying down because he said I was being a bitch to him. All because I didn’t want to go back to bed for a nap because I have work to catch up on. He said the way I responded with “I can’t, I have work to do” was very mean. When really I just said it sternly so he won’t try to convince me back to sleep, but that proved to be a mistake. Then comes the berating of questions, asking why I was being a bitch. He essentially always says I deserve what happened to me because I was being “mean” to him.

So now, when I hear the word bitch... all I can think of is me getting abused and being told it’s what I get.

I want to leave so bad but it’s so hard. Too many factors playing into it. I think about seeing a therapist. I often fantasize about moving back into my old room at my parents and just enjoying life alone and starting new. Working and going to school, saving up to move to another state. But I’m just romanticizing it, I also know I’ll be very hurt, jealous, isolated and ashamed. And I’m scared to go through that too.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_ongoing
Question 129,"Title: I'm so disappointed in myself.

Text: I feel like I am always the reason for my partners cutting or at least most of the time they keep telling me that it isn't my fault but in the reality it is. I always keep being the reason they get upset which upsets me too and got me into cutting because I thought that it would help me relieve the stress and the guilt I regret it so badly. I'm so scared that they'll see them someday and be so disappointed in me and leave me. They told me so many times to promise them that I won't ever cut because they didn't want me to go down the same path as them. They wanted the best for me but I went and disobeyed them. I didn't listen. And the scars won't leave there are too many, they're too recent.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 130,"Title: 17 F, sexually harassed by 3 men

Text: I'm 17 now this happened a year ago when I was 16. I have videos and was hoping someone could unblur them but this sub doesn't allow it. I guess I'll just tell my story. I was walking to nearby store when a man got out of his car on a street I was crossing. I had on my headphones and and briefly took them out to hear, he said I was beautiful and was sorry for interrupting me. I just kept walking but he drove into the next street to continue talking so I flipped him off. I know I should've not but stuff like this constantly happens but nothing to the extent of this story. After that they drive off and I keep walking only for them to circle around and throw a drink in my face. I still wonder if it was piss or Gatorade, dumb as that sounds.
  
There was a woman in front on me and I asked if she'd seen. This was a busy street at about 6 pm, stores and even a school. She didn't and I started to cry in shock since I'd never had anything like that happen. She comforted me and walked me to a music store nearby she was going to pick up the kid she baby sat. I called my friend's mom who lived close since my parents were at work. I was still crying otw to her house and told my friend who agreed they were assholes. I calmed down a bit, we drove to another store and I decided to walk with one of my friend's sister to a dairy bar, not thinking they'd be around. Wrong. Otw there they drove by twice yelling obscene shit, and making random noises. I could never record in time. Otw back they drove by again. We went to the park and my friend thought she saw their car, I should have went and gotten their plate, I wasn't thinking about what I'd actually do in a situation like this and was scared. We sat on a swing and saw them near sitting somewhere, I got out my phone and they walked over. 

  He said we got off to a bad start and he was sorry, I can't remember what else but I just started yelling for him to get away from me. At that point he resorted to calling me ugly, he didn't want me I had bumps on my face. Said my 13 year old friend was cuter. Him and his buddies were laughing, they looked about mid twenties. I started recording and in the videos the main was said ""Hey she want a show y'all check this out"" and throws another bottle that ended up hitting my friend. They leave like pussiss once people at the park start to walk by and I again record. He said ""Check my license plate you old cocksucker, bitch"". After the videos I went home and the next morning my mom went with me to the store up the street to see if they'd gotten camera footage, mines too blurry. No luck. My mom felt terrible and wouldn't let me walk to school but I being dumb took my anger out on her and said I wouldn't let some pussies stop me from living freely and happily. I'm an ass. 

 The police never did anything even tho the street they drove up and down multiple times had a camera pole in all directions, I even called the camera people. I showed they video at my job at a local grocery store, no luck. I'm still terrified of running into them again as I've continued walking, I love it and it keeps me in shape. And I want to believe I'll handle it differently, call them out and say I'm 17, calmy this time, subtly call my parents or 911, get his plate discreetly. But I'm still scared, and it's probably too late. This doesn't bother me in my normal life anymore, just when I'm walking I'm paranoid about every car I see. I also now carry pepper spray and a small pocket knife.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_past
Question 131,"Title: Feeling like shit right now

Text: Just wanna cri

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 132,"Title: 21 F looking for F friend. I have a bf.

Text: Hello. Not too sure what to say. If you want to snap or text on isn't a I'm a real female lol.
I love to learn new things and do anything active. I have a weird sense of dark humor. I am a leaf 🍂. Smoker and a cocktail drinker.  🍹

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 133,"Title: I'm not the problem

Text: I'm tired of being treated by my peers like I'm the problem, not the man I reported.  Can anyone relate?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 134,"Title: Working to support someone else feels awful, even if

Text: Just venting. 4 years of working and donating my money unexpectedly to a poor struggling friend who has a child.  It sucks to have a disabled friend who has a child, and neither of them qualify to receive any government assistance. They do apologize and thank me, and I always say ""Meh its ok. It's just money anyway"" to them, meanwhile I'm actually melting deep inside because unfortunately, the harsh reality is in this world money is everything. I've given up great investment opportunities that would have tripled and quadrupled in value by now, but I gave it all to them to keep a roof over their head. I am supporting two households on just my own income. I've given them the sum of a downpayment of a house so far and I am paying their bills, car, rent, and food.

Now I am poor, having to eat soup for dinner each day, and having to take on new projects, which I am already burnt out and don't want to work anymore because I am basically working for free since half my earnings go to my struggling friend, and the other half go to my bills and debts. I gave them my entire income tax return this year of $900. I gave them $2000 from my savings account to buy a car. Still this is not enough because I am now having to just pay for the entire car plus their rent. 

I feel I am morally obligated to help but it hurts so much to see my life and efforts and finances just zero out. Why am I here? What purpose? It hurts so much to help someone so much to get nothing in return, but I don't even want anything in return other than their situation to get better. That's all I want, is to not have to pay their bills and rent anymore. Everytime I tell myself, ""Ok, that's all I can do for now. I can't do anything more."" and I tell them ""Ok, here's $1000. That's all I can do for you for a long time as I have drained my entire life savings and desperately need to recover my losses. I'm working overtime and doing extra side gigs"" - I end up having to give them money from my side projects and gigs.

I wonder if I never existed, I bet they would actually be fine. I feel like I am not doing any actual justice for them, because they are still stuck in the same hole I've been digging them out of the day I met them. People say, ""Just say no."" - Right, I've certainly thought of that numerous times. I have been saying that lightly to them forever, but saying ""No"" doesn't magically fix their situation, and I'm basically their only help in this world. 

They would become evicted and homeless with no support, or commit suicide, and it will be on my hands for saying ""No"" to a friend in constant need. I hate being someone's life support truthfully. There is a reason I refuse to be married and have children - this very reason. It's draining me, to see all my earnings disappear. Tired of $0 or negative bank account because my gifting donations are beyond my actual income. I am screwed if anything happens to me, because I have emptied my savings accounts into someone else's black hole, and so many people always talking about making sure you save up for retirement, well I can forget about that. Feel like such a lame whiteknight and its making me depressed.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 135,"Title: Dreams.

Text: Woke up from an amazing dream where I hung out with someone I like. Then I woke up and felt so bad. Good dreams are the worst.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 136,"Title: has anyone here ever been to an out patient thing?

Text: my depression and other mental health problems have gotten really bad. i’m a senior in highschool and it’s been really hard for me to go to school. i can’t even get out of bed and i have no motivation. i’ve been trying different medications but it just keeps getting worse. my family is recommending doing out patient but i know nothing about it. does it help? how long do you have to go? because i don’t want to miss too much school then i already am.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 137,"Title: I think I am going through existential crisis... its been almost few months. i dont know what to do.

Text: Things were going great and i was getting a little success in what I was doing. I had a great schedule. In the morning I went for a jogging, I was writing a webnovel, learning how to make games and also was very social with my friends. I even have a girlfriend. Everything was great. 

But after my college started I stopped writing the webnovel, I couldn't go for a morning walk. These things didn't impact my life much I thought I just need to adjust to my new life as I had just moved out of town for college and was living with friends in a apartment. 

Things got worse after a month, I think I was getting depressed a lot. Because I had not done any self development work I decided to devote my time to writing and self improving for a week. The new friends I made were just started to accuse me of not wanting to be with them just because I didn't talk with them for a day and my girlfriend also did the same. Even after I had told them that I would not be able to talk with them much because I was going to be busy. The worst thing was that my girlfriend accused me of not wanting to be in the relationship. She started thinking that I had lost interest and didn't want to be in a relationship. 

It is just my first relationship and for her it's third relationship. I didn't know what was going in her mind. I still admitted my mistake and made up with her. 

But I eventually started drifting apart from everyone. I stopped talking with my college friends and even with my girlfriend. I didn't even open the messenger app. I still talked with them in college and acted normal. But for some reason I didn't feel like talking to them. 

Eventually I stopped doing everything. I didn't talk with anyone (I still talked with my friends who lived with me but only them and no one else) I stopped working. I didn't even exercise. 

It's been more than a month since I last did something productive. 

I am back in my hometown for vacations and just lay down on the sofa scrolling through YouTube most of the time. I literally do nothing. 

I still remember the day I stopped going for a morning walk. I used to go for a morning walk with my friends but ony after another they stopped. I was alon on the road 6 in the morning. Just tired of loneliness I was feeling I just wanted to lay on the bad and sleep instead of coming out of the house in the cold morning. 

I have no motivation left in me. My relationship with my girlfriend has declined a lot. I think of breaking up everyday but I still can't muster up the courage to do it. I am desperately waiting for her to end it instead because I don't want her to suffer more. 


The funny thing is that we aren't able to meet much so we just texted a lot and me not being able to text her means that she doesn't text me at all. I hate her for this. My heart is full of resentment.. Why must I be the one to talk all the time why must I be the one putting in all the effort while she blames me for not texting her. And when I text her I get replies like "" You don't even have time to send a single msg"".. 🙂 

If anyone could just tell me what should I do. 🙂 I need help desperately... I don't want my life to keep declining if this keeps up I might....

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 138,"Title: Feelings towards mother, advice, help, guidance? unsure how to communicate feelings

Text: Since moving out a few years ago my mother is upset that I don't really reach out and talk to her unless she does first. I would say I don't hate my mother but she has caused me some trauma. She's not the worst in the world tho. I feel distant from my parents and my dad I do hate. Is it normal to feel resentment towards someone you don't necessarily hate? 

The reason for the post was she sent me a text saying how she can only communicate with me through text that I don't call and I only visit during special occasions, ect, I know she probably feels sad or upset, and I feel bad. I'm just not sure how to communicate that I feel distant and resentment but I don't hate her. And it's just caused me to have a block and I just don't feel the desire to talk to her or my dad. Idk to me it seems confusing and I'm not sure what to reply back yet.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 139,"Title: you know you're a piece of shit when

Text: The dog you rescued a few years ago and spent every waking moment trailing you, because you gave them a better life than they knew was possible no longer wants anything to do with you.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 140,"Title: Does anyone else have almost no photos of themselves?

Text: I never feel like I'm in an interesting enough place to take a non-selfie picture, nor do I trust someone to take a picture for me (mostly because I'd honestly be too picky), and also I feel extremely unphotogenic to begin with. I swear I think the latest photo of myself has to be the one I took for freshmen orientation 4 years back.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 141,"Title: I got raped in my birthday and noone believed me

Text: (English is not my first language so sorry for my bad grammar)

I (18male) was raped in my birthday by my friend(19female), Let's just called her Anna, she gave me this drink which I openly accepted it and chug it all down, i felt funny after awhile and passed out in the middle of conversation I think, I waked up in the morning with me being naked with her in the bed, I panic and don't know what to do, I kinda wake her up and she smiled at me. ""Did you enjoy my birthday gift for you?"" She said as I look at her in horror, I don't like her or anything, she was my good friend and always by my side but what she did made me change my view of her. I told her what she did was wrong but she look at me with annoyed in her face, she told me that I should enjoy it since I'm a guy. I just left the room with my clothes on while feeling betrayed in my head, I told my parents about it but they kinda laugh and thinking it was a joke, I told my friends about it too and they immediately accuse me for raping her instead, All of them didn't believe me and told me that guys can't get raped.

I'm now typing this as trying not to tear up, I dont know what to do and I can't defend myself about it. I wish I didn't invited her for my 18th birthday so none of this could happen to me.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_ongoing
Question 142,"Title: Why didn’t anybody notice?

Text: At this point it’s hard for me to even be properly angry, just disappointed. 
Why didn’t anyone notice? it was so obvious. what elementary schooler knows so much explicit detail about sex? they didn’t even ask me how I knew they just ignored it or yelled at me. 

And why was everyone so irresponsible with a child? no one even batted an eye when leaving me alone with strangers and whatever almost all the time despite me showing SO MANY Signs that something was wrong before I even knew it.

 I was always paranoid and scared that something was going to come after me or watch me, I was always sexualizing myself and worried about not being attractive and I was obsessed with being mature, how does that not raise any flags for a 2nd-5th grader? 
 I only got called into my school guidance office ONCE and they just said “if anyone does something bad to you make sure to report it” 
 how was I supposed to even know what to look out for and what to report?

No one saw the problem with letting a young (already traumatized) child stay with a sketchy ass men over half of the time even though some of it was such obvious grooming and it went completely under everyone’s radar?

They took me to a therapist once (for unrelated reasons) and they didn’t question it when I broke drown crying and refused to be in the room alone with a stranger. And instead of even trying to talk to me they just tried to force me in and bullshit me, which honestly just made me push away further. 

I just feel like it was so obvious.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",childabuse_endangerment_past
Question 143,"Title: My sister raped me when I was 5

Text: This story is something I couldn't tell others for a long time because I wasn't even strong enough to tell myself but here I go...

My sister was born with an air gap in her head and at 7 years apart, before my parents told me, l always knew something was mentally wrong with her. My mother told me later on in life that when she was born, doctors said she'll probably never make it to college because it had something to do with her frontal lobe of the brain not going to be developed. (my sister didn't act like she had a problem so everyone, even her friends still think she's normal)(my mom homeschooled her until grade 6 to make sure and she did end up graduating college)
When I was 5, she was 12, and I remember it so vividly.

My sister and I shared a room and she was on a bunk bed. She was on the top and I was at the bottom. I don't remember how it happened but I remember her telling me to suck on her breasts and me doing it and many other disgusting things (i was innocent). Growing up I thought this was just a weird dream because my memory played it out like that. I confronted her at 9 years old and she said ""what are you talking about?"" and then again I questioned myself.

Now I'm 17, she's 24, still living with us. It keeps bugging me because now when I think about it, I remember how she had body hair in certain places and I knew my 5 year old mind that never saw a naked body before that day could visualize something so realistic. It lasted maybe 15 minutes when I think back and it hurts me because no child should have to go through something like that even if she's mentally broken. I haven't told my parents but i've hinted to mother on many occasions. I don't want to tell my parents because I'm afraid it's like going to destroy the family and my self image if anyone ever found out.

What's even worse is that I think that this memory had a big play on me as a kid always thinking kind of sexually of others and is the cause to my porn addiction. My parents always protected me from things like porn and nudity because we are christian's but it's weird to think the first time I was exposed to this was in my own house, from the people I thought cared about me.

My life is going good for me and i've never struggle with girls but it's just a dark secret no one's ever heard about me. My mother is in her 50s and my fathers in his 60s.
Should I tell anybody else or should I just bury it and move on to the more finer things of life?

Plus: I was so innocent as a kid that at 11 | still thought that when you kiss a girl you make a baby

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_past
Question 144,"Title: is this rape?

Text: We would have both been 18 at the time. Got super drunk woth a few friends and starting making out which I was fine with. Then we went to another room to have sex in. We were making out more and I wanted to have sex woth him. 

Then when we were about to have sex I kept telling him we shouldn't have sex and that I didn't wsnt to even tho I actually did and wasn't sure why I told him that. But he insisted it was okay and so we had sex. A few minutes later he decided that we were too drunk but I said it was okay but he got dressed and left.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_past
Question 145,"Title: I need advice on how to have sex now

Text: I (m27) was raped back in February. My boyfriend now (31m) is fantastic. We’ve had sex since my assault. My therapist wanted me to try exposure therapy with someone I trusted, and he is that person. My problem is I am never horny now. I love sex. I just don’t feel it anymore. I used to get horny 4-6 times a day. Now I’m lucky if I feel it once. And idk how to fix it, and how to tell my boyfriend that I want to, I’m just not horny. 

Any and all advice accepted.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_past
Question 146,"Title: I think my dad just raped my mom and I’m scared.

Text: I also posted this on r/advice but I’ve stopped shaking as much and hopefully can recall all details correctly this time.  So around 11 pm I cleaned the kitchen and finished about 40  minutes later. Around that time I saw my dad getting a drink and heading upstairs. About an hour later I’m still awake as I have trouble sleeping and am on my phone watching YouTube when my dad says my name. Out of fear that I will be punished I say nothing. After he goes to his room I continue. After some time I hear a steady creaking from my parents bed right above me but think nothing of it and put an AirPod in to cover the noise. After a few minutes it gets louder, and for me it’s unusual because my parents have been arguing for days and my dad had very loudly complained on the lack of intimacy and my mother currently can’t stand him. I ignored it and tried to distract myself thinking they made up. Then I began to hear how she sounds distressed and so I got up and listened. It sounded like she was crying and I began recording. We have creaky wooden floors and steps but I got as close as I could to record it for evidence against him. I could hear her telling him to get off but he kept going. They were loud and I was horrified. I wanted to puke but I needed evidence. After he was done I could hear him tell her something like “go to police “ which really confirmed what I knew. My dad can be physically abusive to the point of leaving small marks and saying that he was playing but I didn’t think he would do this. He emotionally tears away at her everyday and I’m scared that this isn’t the first time. While it was happening I wanted to call my moms sister since it was only ten o’clock in her time zone but I was too scared and too much was going on in my head. The thought crossed my mind that I should call the cops but I’m scared of what my dad would do to me.  The adrenaline was pumping through me and I wanted to sob and I did nothing. I want to tell her that I know what he did and we can go to the cops but I’m scared. Should I talk to a family member or my friend who was assaulted or my mom or all of them? Should I go to the cops first? I really need help and am scared to have my younger siblings in the same house with him knowing he’s capable of doing this.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 147,"Title: Raped by teacher from Uni

Text: Hey guys, any advice? I got raped in my bed by a creep teacher from my uni in 2021. I got him reported but im so scared to take him to court because I have no evidence. It was really scary to see him on his knees in the bushes near my home as I was going for my night walk and he stalks me sometimes/shows up at my house a year later/did it again in my sleep because my mum doesn't lock the doors. He still works at the university so I have to take valium whenever I go on campus. I think this will be my last semester at that uni, I have to run away because its nearly impossible doing uni work knowing he is there. Who will be his next victim? I feel like rapists shouldn't be working in universities. Don't know what to do... I just want him to confess.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_past
Question 148,"Title: I’m really trying to get answers here. Is this harassment? Possibly assault?

Text: I’ve posted something similar in r/sexualassault trying to get answers, but have got nothing. So I’ll try again. 

To start, I know for a fact that my brother has assaulted me at least twice, one of them was an attempted rape. I’m only saying this to build context. 

There was also a manager that I used to work with when I was 17-18. He was always hugging the girls including me. Some of them told me that he groped them as well. When i was 18, he convinced me to open up to him about something that was bothering me immensely. As I was telling him, he was rubbing my back. He went lower and lower until he was basically touching my ass. I for some reason couldn’t gather the courage to tell him to stop. 

As well, there was this guy I had hooked up with when I was 19 (I didn’t mention this in the previous post because I had buried this memory until now). But the thing is tho, I wanted to hang out with him for awhile before we hooked up. Apparently he didn’t like that, so he pulled me on top of him and started aggressively making out with me. I turned my head away, he turned it back, I turned it away again, and he did it again. I turned away again and he gave up after that. I later gave in and as he was about to penetrate me, he tried to stick his finger in my butthole. I told him no. He also refused to use lube, and I was asking over and over because it hurt. He just spat on it and continued. He lasted about 30 seconds and then kicked me out. 

When I was in highschool, one of my friends slapped my ass out of nowhere, and I felt violated, although I didn’t want to appear uncool, so I didn’t say anything. 

Last but not least, I’ve asked people about this, and they’ve given me mixed answers, I tried to find answers on the internet but have gotten mixed answers as well. My dad used to slap my ass. He didn’t grab it, or fondle it or whatever, but he would slap really hard. I always remember either flinching or saying “ow”. But I never told him to stop because I didn’t realize that it was inappropriate. I always felt violated when he did it though.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","childabuse_endangerment_past,rape_past,sexualharassment_past"
Question 149,"Title: Looking for support

Text: About a year ago, I was at a friend's house (Lets call him Sam). We were all smoking and drinking but I had just got there so I was sober. One of the guys that were there came up to me and started trying to cuddle (And lets call him Brad). It seemed pretty funny at the start so I moved from the bed to the couch. He kept following me getting more invasive every time (And, I, getting more frustrated and telling him to fuck off, that I was uncomfortable, and that I didn't want him touching me) as I moved bed-couch-chair-floor, maybe about 20 times, until he grabbed my ass so I left the room and went into the kitchen.

I wanted to make some food because the munchies were starting to hit, and Brad came outside and cornered me in the kitchen. He didn't assault me, but he pushed me against the wall and insisted I have sex with him. Sam came out, saw the situation, and kicked Brad out of the house.

During the whole event, comments were made to Brad by the other guys there. One jokingly told him to ""Pack it up Mr. Epstein"" and another cautioned ""Brad you need to stop this is fucked and she (referring to me) could get you into some deep shit for this"".

Some of the guys there spread the fact that Brad had been acting really creepy and called it assault. To this day Brad vehemently denies it and hates me with a passion, saying I was attention seeking and making it up.

Then, last week, I was out with some friends and ended up staying over at (not his real name) Jack's house. I'd had a really shitty week where my pet had died, I'd had a massive fight with my best friend (Our first and last fight), and my mum had a heart attack. I'd also gotten tonsilitis twice. Basiclaly I decided to get hammered. I somehow ended up in Jack's bed, and around 2am, I woke up to him having sex with me without protection. I think the fact that we'd had sex once before and I was now passed out in his bed was an invitation. I was too confused, nauseous, and spinning to try to stop him beyond a half-assed push on his chest and a quiet ""please stop"". I pretended to still be unconcious while I waited for him to finish. I had at least expected him to pull out- this was my first time having raw sex- but he came inside me and somehow tore the bottom of my vagina.

I told some close friends, I wasn't sure if it was rape or not but I felt sufficiently violated and disgusted with myself to call it that. They vehemently agreed.

The word somehow got back to not only Jack, but Brad as well. They both cornered me in front of a bunch of people, a mix of friends, mutuals, and total strangers- and announced that I liked making up rape accusations for attention and that I was a crazy bitch. I hate that men have that power- to call a girl an attention seeker or insane and its nearly impossible to shake that label.

I need advice, everything inside me is just telling me to retreat into my house and avoid everyone until next september when I go off to university and start again. I feel really alone right now.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","rape_past,sexualharassment_past"
Question 150,"Title: Confused, relapsed.

Text: Ive been somewhat clean for around 3 years. I say somewhat as occasion i will dig my nails into my arms or bite my knuckles, sometimes
punch walls but out of anger. I never had any urges to cut but on a random Wednesday night i relapse? Im so confused, im not in a
Depressed mood, not upset. But i relapsed, i never thought i would. Im not upset about it, just confused. Now i have to hide again? Wear long sleeves until its gone. But im perfectly fine.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 151,"Title: told my gf about my self harming

Text: she made me promise i never do it again. how can i promise that when i know i’m going to. like right when i got home i wanted to. now i’m just going to feel guilty doing it if i do. i really don’t think i can be clean but i guess i’m going to be. i don’t know what to do. she was so heartbroken i just feel horrible. it’s not that big of a deal to me. how can i keep up with the promise

edit: the next morning we talked about it more and she did understand. i feel a lot better about it now too, she said some nice things. thanks for all the advice u guys gave me it really helped. especially bc i never know what to say hehe

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 152,"Title: Anxiety Self Harm

Text: You ever get this anxious feeling and then want to hurt yourself to feel better (since this is a SH Forum I know the answer is yes lol). I was already feeling an uncomfortable feeling because of my BDD but then something happened and I’ve just been sitting in my room with this weird unsettled/restless/anxious feeling for hours and I just want it to go away.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 153,"Title: i scared myself

Text: i have been itching to relapse and i finally did a couple days ago. but i really wanted to cut on my arm because it’s so much easier to get deeper cut, but i moved the blade so fast that it was a bigger cut than i was expecting, my worst of all time i would say. i panicked and drove to the urgent care. but they said i could get away without getting stitches so i said screw and i’m just keeping it covered. i think i just wanted to vent a bit. im mostly scared because it’s right in the middle of my forearm so it’s going to be hard to hide from my mom who knows about my self harm problems. im debating going to my college’s free counseling but idek anymore. thanks for letting me rant :)

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 154,"Title: Need some advice on how not to do it.

Text: I really wanna run into the kitchen, grab a knife, run into the bathroom, lock the door, and cut myself a ton. Any advice on how not to do it?

I already told my parents already, I’ve always got someone with me, I’ve got several techniques I’ve been doing when I’m feeling this, and I’m still having the urges get stronger by the hour. This has been going on for &%#$-ing weeks and I really can’t hold it anymore. I feel like I’m gonna puke and/or die if I don’t do it today. HELP. PLEASE.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 155,"Title: Am I the only only that forgets that other people don’t self harm ?

Text: I forget that it’s not a normal thing to do when you experience any minor inconvenience:”)

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 156,"Title: Sh is NEVER safe

Text: I did everything, went to the hospital, used clean blades. 

I went to the hospital to stitch the wounds, they cleaned it and bandaged it. Nothing could go wrong. I even used clean, never used blades.

As soon as I took the bandages off, there was a foul smell, pus everywhere and a huge bruise, I have never seen anything like it. The day after the bruise got larger and more painful. I went to sleep and the next day I was sick. There where blisters all over. Now I am going to the hospital again to get antibiotics.

Now you see that sh is never ""safe"". Even if you clean your blades, go to the hospital. Its always better to get help before it gets worse. I hope everyone here is doing well. 

Try to search for more healthy copingmechanisms, even though it's hard. Be kind for yourself.

Keep fighting!

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_past
Question 157,"Title: bandaids and hairy legs :')

Text: so I made a styro cut but I dont know how to hide it, I made it on my thigh and my thighs are kinda hairy so I dont know if I should put a bandaid on it or not because if I need to take it off it'll hurt when I rip it off lol, it's also not a big cut, just small enough to fit in a bandaid

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 158,"Title: I hate that I can’t bleed

Text: I cut but not too deep because I am paranoid but I want to bleed. I want it to drip but it doesn’t. Its just little dots. I’m such a scaredy cat.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 159,"Title: I broke a 60 days self harm free record..

Text: wasn't even fucking worth it.. I am all self harmed on places I said I will never do because I thought It would calm the emotional pain I am feeling.. but in a sick twisted joke it made me feel even worse.

hours later.. and I fucking regret it and this gonna take a long time to heal, most importantly I lost my big record of being self harm free.. what a fucking disappointment.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 160,"Title: Original AITA for hating my grandpa?

Text: AITA for hating my grandpa?

I’m 12 for context, my parents think I’m overreacting but I think it’s justified, my grandpa sexually harassed me ever since I was seven, I’m a female btw, he would constantly whistle, wink at all times even when I got out of the shower, slap my ass and pull me on his lap, he knew I didn’t like it and once I yelled at him for winking at me during a family movie night, he denied it and nobody believed me, I don’t have to talk to him, that’s all my parents have set in place to protect me, I can IGNORE HIM, it’s not the first time sexual harassment or assault has happened and I think I have PTSD, I am depressed and have anxiety, both diagnosed by a therapist, he didn’t help and only ones who don’t know him believe me, my grandma died when I was 6 and I suspect she was the only one who would stop him. AITA or overreacting?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","childabuse_endangerment_ongoing,sexualharassment_ongoing"
Question 161,"Title: How do I tell my boss to stop touching me without offending him?

Text: I’m a 26 year old chinese female living and working in Singapore. I would say that I have a close relationship / friendship with my boss and he treats me almost like a daughter. I’ve been working with him for 1.5 years, known him for about 2 years. In the past half a year, I feel like he has grown more touchy towards me and another younger female colleague - he would give us hugs, pat or rub us on the head, touch our hands or hold our arms occasionally when he’s being extra friendly (just for background he is 50+ married with no children). A few times I felt very uncomfortable because I think he was looking at my chest. He is quite flirty sometimes too through texts and phone calls (which I find very inappropriate given he is my superior and he is married) I find it very hard to tell him that I’m uncomfortable with the level of touchiness because I’m afraid it will make things awkward or sour our good relationship or make him think I’m accusing him of sexual harassment (I know it sounds silly but this is how I feel). The most I have done is to tell him I’m being squished (e.g when he hugs me) and tell him to keep his safe distancing (this is covid times) as a hint to him that I’m not liking it. He does this to my younger colleague (also my close friend) and she has also not spoken up because of the same reasons. I’ve also never told my fiancé about this because he would FLIP... 

Any advice on how to handle this diplomatically is appreciated.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_ongoing
Question 162,"Title: Is this sexual harassment?

Text: I work with a guy let's call him John. 

John is slightly more senior than I am but we both report to the same manager.

John and I got along fine until on a trip away he came onto me. On the trip we were having some drinks in his hotel room. He came onto me and I said no thanks you have a wife but he kept coming on to me. He said he wanted to hug me so I let him. He then asked me to go over to the bed and I said it was a bad idea. He kept asking so I just did it. He asked me to take off my clothes. He said he wouldn't be able to sleep unless he came so I suggested that he touch himself so I didn't have to have sex with him. Eventually he stopped asking for sex masturbated on the bed next to me. He went back to his room.

I didn't really consider this harrassment because even though I said no a few times I kind of felt party to what happened and didn't completely just say no. 

However, we discussed it the next day and agreed that it should never happen again. John since then has continued to come on to me and not respect that I don't want that this to happen. I have made sure to never be alone with him on work trips and have continually refused his offers to hang out. 

He tells me that he isn't happy in his relationship and that he never has sex and that he wants to be polygamous. This all escalated after months of the same behaviour when he was very angry and aggressive toward me because I refused to join him in his hotel room. Because he was so aggressive about me not joining him in his hotel room and because he kept bringing up polygamy, I asked him not to speak to me about non-work related things in future. He got really angry at this point and shouted in my face (we were alone driving a car). 

I drove a different work car home and put in a complaint. 

I left out the part about the hotel room sexual acts because I didn't feel it was fair to accuse him of that because I felt I didn't make it clear enough that I wasn't interested. I feel like I've lied now and I'm not sure if it's harassment because I could have expressed no more clearly in the hotel room.

I'm not sure if I should tell my employer or just withdraw my complaint.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_ongoing
Question 163,"Title: Study of sexual harassment perpetration looking for interview participants

Text: Hi, 

My name is André Alvinzi and I'm studying sociology at Örebro university, Sweden. During this spring I am writing my master's thesis in which I am conducting a small study. The purpose of this study is to investigate whad kinds of meanings self-identified perpetrators of sexual harassment apply to their actions.

I am now looking to interview men who have performed an act or several acts which can be defined as sexual harassment. The interview is ANONYMOUS and is carried out by answering questions in an online form.

If you would like to participate in the interview, please follow this link:

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSeBn8AdFA-q1fmx2yvmF_VaMpezZPRgy3-gtxT3NMRz4pCahg/viewform?usp=sf_link

Feel free to share this post if you want to.

Best regards, 

André

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 164,"Title: What is sexual harassment? As a man, [24] with Asperger's Syndrome, I'm confused, and worry that I might have hurt somebody.

Text: Hi, all.

I'm a 24 year-old man with Asperger's Syndrome, and I am confused over something: what is sexual harassment? I'm not being obtuse or willfully ignorant, I am just genuinely confused by the (what I see as) lack of consistency with definitions, with forum thread upon forum thread I've read for the last five months saying different things.

Now, I myself know for a fact that I've never, ever had non-consensual sexual intercourse (just to point this out), I've never sent unsolicited photos or videos of myself, I've never asked for such material, I've never 'catcalled', exposed myself, or done any of the most egregious (and unfortunately, common) examples of sexual harassment.

I have wondered, ''.....Perhaps, as a man, I'm not experiencing flirting in the same way most women are?''.

I would imagine this is definitely true, as to be honest, I was under the (potentially naïve assumption) that most boys and men were like my brother and myself, and our close male-friends - i.e., respectful and such (not to sound 'holier-than-thou'). As such, when 'Me Too' and 'Time's Up' began as social movements in 2017, I was genuinely shocked to see the reality of global misogyny - I just didn't notice - partly because I'm not a lady, but also because I wasn't doing (nor did I know anybody who was doing) these behaviours.

The reason why this subject matters to me is twofold; for one, I have always considered myself an intersectional feminist, and a socially-justice-oriented person by nature, and feel that respecting others and being polite is very important.

Therefore, I would hate to think that I've sexually harassed anybody, as it wouldn't sit well with me morally, whatsoever.

Second-fold, I have been dealing with an often-misunderstood sub-type of OCD for the last two years called pure-'O', and one of my 'themes' has been a pathological fear of hurting or mistreating women - this has led me to painstakingly mentally search through the annals of my personal history to find any moral inconsistency; thus far, I can't find any.

The only mistake I can think of that I made with a woman was in July 2020, when I assumed it was okay to restart a sexual conversation with a woman I'd been flirting with two weeks prior, due to the recent precedent, even though I hadn't spoken to her in two weeks. Once I realised my embarrassing error, she couldn't have been nicer about forgiving me, which I appreciated.

So, returning to my opening question - what is sexual harassment? I've spoken to three of my closest girl-friends and they categorized such behaviour as refusing to take 'no' for an answer after a sexual advance has been made, which I initially accepted. One of my closest friends even said that as long as I'm not sending unsolicited photographs of myself (which she said she knows I'd never do), I've nothing to worry about.

However, I've seen other definitions that imply that if one makes a verbal flirtatious advance (which is what I have done, as I generally don't touch others, so it's not as though I'm touching people without their consent, which I know is awful) and you have no 'reasonable' thought to assume that they'll be receptive, then that first 'move', so to speak, is in and of itself harassment.

I think, maybe, what I've misunderstood is what 'flirting' is. So, when I was in high-school, there was a lady I had feelings for and I drew her a picture and baked flapjacks for her, as that is what I thought I had to do (and what I felt comfortable doing) as a flirtatious endeavor. Certainly, I had no concept of sex or anything. I thought, ''.....Oh, maybe we could hold hands at one point, and maybe go to the cinema''.

Now, she was very kind and polite and happy to talk to me and received the gifts with graciousness and so I assumed that this was a good thing, as it must mean that she was happy. Then, I remember asking her how she felt one day and she told me she didn't feel the same way, and I felt very embarrassed and guilty that I'd done something wrong. I went home that Friday afternoon in January 2013 (aged 15, as she was), and apologised via Facebook for not having registered her non-verbal cues that she wasn't interested, and I explained my condition.

Now, bare in mind that I'd never spoken sexually with her at all, as to me, flirting meant romantic gestures, or courting. She was annoyed at me for not noticing that she wasn't interested, and accused me of using my condition as an 'excuse', citing her mother who worked with autistic people, who 'wouldn't do that'.

This hurt me deeply, as I have never and will never consciously do something that I know is wrong or anti-social and then scapegoat my condition, ever. In fact, most in the autistic community wouldn't do that. Also, with all due respect to her, just because her mother worked with autistic children, does not mean that she knows every single person with autism, or their individual personalities.

Our interaction here led to her blocking me and then our Drama and Theatre Studies teacher had to mediate between us, and she explained to her (the lady) that it was the case that I sincerely didn't notice her lack of interest; I just misread her. As our teacher was the parent of a son with Asperger's Syndrome, I think she understood where I was coming from.

After this, I never 'courted' her again, though we were on friendly terms for the rest of high-school and in fact, I came across her in 2017 when we were both 19 on Tinder, and I apologised for my behaviour. I said, ''.....I'm sorry if I ever came on too strong'', and she said, ''.....Oh, don't worry about it, you're fine, you didn't do anything wrong'', which made me feel good to know that she was okay. It was nice to talk with her, and she was quite enthusiastic to talk, which was fun.

Looking back, I can sympathize with the fact that even at 15, I can imagine that she might have (even unconsciously, on a reflexive level) just assumed that I was willfully ignoring her, because of the overwhelmingly negative behaviour shown by her male peers.

I'm not, therefore, mad at her at all, and see what happened as her slightly overreacting, but not because she was being ignorant; rather, I imagine she was thinking of her own well-being, which is fine.

Anyway, back to my point; as expected with the 'social delay' characteristic of Asperger's/autism, my entry into the world of sexually-themed flirting, sex, 'sexting' etc. began quite late, when I had sex for the first time, aged 18.

From this point, I realised that flirting can have two components; romantic and sexual. By aged 16, I'd never mentioned anything sexual to anybody. As a result, during the only two post-high-school experiences with women that had happened to me prior to being 18, I came across awkward, and never mentioned anything sexual.

The first time was when I was 16, and a 16 year-old girl who I knew would tease me and at one point, I was on the phone to my brother, and she walked past and said, ''.....Oh, is that you're girlfrieeeeend?'' (I've never had a girlfriend), and she smiled playfully and so I playfully hit her bum with the edge of my foot, and she carried on smirking brightly and teasing me afterwards.

The second time, a cousin of a friend of mine would be always very happy to see me and say, ''.....Oh, you're so cute'' (I've no idea how, I'm not trying to be) and playfully elbow me and so on, aha.

At work, when I was 19 and a woman was 21, she would pinch my hips and call me a ''.....dickhead'' and then continue smiling with me, playfully. However, not only was I not sure she was flirting with me until I asked my brother, but I wasn't confident enough to talk sexually, as I always sounded silly, aha, and during the one time I did and we physically touched one-another, we were off-site.

The only time I ever attempted any 'flirtation' of a sexual nature on-site was when she walked past me as I was in the kitchen making pizza-bases, and she said, ''.....Yeah, spank that dough!'', and I clumsily said, ''.....Yeah, well, you wish it was you!'', and she said, ''.....Excuse me?!'' in a sarcastic tone of voice and then carried on smiling while she laughed.

We remained good work colleagues after this, especially after she let me know that she had decided to see somebody else (according to another friend at work, she was looking for a 'rebound', after her boyfriend had cheated on her), to which I accepted immediately, and reverted back to just being her friend.

Anyway, I hope this all gives context to my development, on a social-sexual level, so to speak. Aged 24 now, I've realised that I'm definitely asexual, despite my positive sexual experiences, but before I move forwards in life, due to my OCD and high moral-compass, I feel the need to 'double-check' (which is a classic feature of the condition) that I've never sexually harassed anybody.

All of the instances I'm worried about occurred online between the ages of 19 and 22, and while I'm pretty sure I've never done anything wrong (bar the above mistake I made last July, which I chalk-up to mind-blindness), I'm seriously at a point of perpetual stress and anxiety and worry that some of my clunky instances of attempting to flirt with women in a softly sexual way, and mirror the confident sexuality that many women have shown towards me at concerts, online (both on and off of dating sites) and in taverns, has effectively led me to inadvertently harass people.

I wish (especially as somebody on the spectrum, who enjoys rules) that there was a clear-cut, one-size-fits-all definition of harassment, as the ambiguity across definitions confuses me. Again, I'm not trying to be at all contrarian and difficult, but there seems to be no symmetry between different people's definitions.

Some people would say intention does matter, some people say it doesn't, some people say it only occurs if somebody doesn't accept 'no' after being rebuffed, and some people say that even the first attempt at flirting is harassment if you have no 'reasonable reason' to assume that somebody will be receptive to your advances.

This, however confuses me, as many women have instigated this type of flirting with me before without me giving verbal consent beforehand, and in spite of me not knowingly 'giving signals'. As far as I understand, flirting is a social art-form that occurs fluidly, as I've experienced (albeit with my terrible, tortured attempts at flirting back).

Initially, I always preferred for the lady to make the first soft-sexual advance, I wasn't ever attempting to disrespect her. Indeed, the first time that I ever tried to flirt with a lady online aged 19 (she was 18), I had said, ''.....Can I be intimate with you?''.

I later realised that while this made me appear endearing to many of the women I would later know (without me attempting to consciously appear so), it also gave other women the idea that I wasn't confident to even be softly-sexually-flirty. As a result, a lot of women who I met online would 'take the reins', so to speak, and guide the conversation in a flirty way.

So, what is sexual harassment? Thank you for reading, and I hope I appeared somewhat articulate.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 165,"Title: I got catcalled twice within the distance of a bus stop.

Text: TW : Sexual harassment, catcalling

I am a teenager. I know that the world is not a kind place to young girls. I know this is not the way things are supposed to be. And yet, I can't help but cry.

It was a normal day. My school ended at 3:15pm, and this is considered a safe time to be out where I live. There are two bus stops about 1.5kms away from my school, and this is where all students who have to commute to their homes go to.

My home is also in the vicinity, and I go there to drop many of my friends everyday. Today though, the weather was rainy, and most were picked up by parents or had already gone with friends who had umbrellas. In all this commotion, I was left with a friend of mine. We chose to wait until the rain stopped, and it did in around 10 minutes.

We both walked out, and though the crowd had trickled away, there were a few students here and there. As usual, we walked to the bus stop. This was the one further my school, by hardly 100 or so metres. We sat there, cheerfully speaking, not bothering anyone. I looked to my left, which is where the buses are supposed to come from. I had a strange feeling, and just glanced to my right.

There was a man, probably 40 years old. He had a wide-eyed expression and his lips were turned in a creepy smile. He raised a hand and waved, saying 'Hi'. I was panicking inside, this was not the first time I had been harassed or catcalled. I knew that predatory look. I ignored him, turning towards my friend. I told her to look while pretending to speak, to check if he had given up yet.

No, he was still there.

He walked away, and I almost breathed a sigh of relief. And then I heard the whistles. I heard him shout at us, again and again. He was not saying anything coherent, just shouting and whistling. I looked around the bus stop. There was no one except for us and another woman. She had earphones in and wasn't hearing a thing. I clasped my friend's hand, and told her that staying there anymore would be unsafe. He could follow her by getting on the bus or stalk me to my doorstep. We began walking, and speculating. She said he looked drunk, and was walking weirdly. I asked her to look once more.

That worthless waste of space was following us.

We ran, with more effort than we put in most things, and didn't stop until we were under the shade of the other bus stop. I was still not calm, and breathing shakily. I saw a man with a similar colour of clothes to that guy making a phone call. I squinted hard, and though I thought it wasn't him, I couldn't relieve my concern. I saw another guy walk, he was smiling. He was looking at his phone, but he glanced at us once, and I was paranoid as hell. My friend was trying to calm me down, and herself as well. I looked at her watch, it was high time that I start for home. I asked her if she could handle herself, and since she agreed, I ran to the subway there, just so that man would not spot me even by mistake.

I was still breathing heavily, thinking only of reaching my home safely. I went into a street on the other side, and was returning to my normal state of being. Halfway through, and barely five minutes since that incident, I heard another whistle.

If it were a song, I would have been fine. But it was the exact same wolf-whistle I heard barely minutes ago. I did not look back, and continued at the same pace. Mind you, there were several people outside there, and none of them did a thing. I reached the turn, and glanced back. A boy, maybe 12 or 13 at most, was the one who had whistled at me at least 4 times. He said, 'Come here.' while motioning with his hands for me to approach him.

I ignored once more, and ran. I saw more people, one of whom I used to know. They hadn't seem him yet, and looked strangely as I ran with a heavy bag on my back. I was just 50 metres away from home, when I heard him whistle. I swear I have never run as desperately as I did then. I sprinted to my building, and saw the strange looks the residents were giving. I looked back to see that he was not there. I ran through the corridors, floors, to reach my home, and finally my room.

I cried for a while in my room, wracked with sobs. I searched up on the internet for what I should do if such a situation rises again. I made up wild theories in my head, even more so when my friend had not read my texts yet. I wondered if all the people I eyed suspiciously were involved in this, and if I had put my friend in danger. There was a strange fear within me, what if they found me, what if they took her, what if they recognise us the next time we walk by. She turned out to have been visited by relatives, which is what kept her offline. I rested knowing that these incidents were unconnected.

I live in a country that blames victims and survivors. My family is drowned in these thoughts as well. If they knew, I would be constantly monitored at school, at home, my freedom snatched while I remain unsafe as ever. I have no intention of telling them.

I feel ashamed, that someone viewed me in this vulgar manner. I was wearing a school uniform, which is extremely covering. My age did not deter that drunkard, and that boy had no shame in the very street he probably lives in.

I haven't told this to anyone. I don't know whom to speak to. The teachers and counsellors in my school are all misogynists. They would blame me, and tell my parents, who would then use the 'fact' that I broke their trust by not informing them. My friends all live faraway, and I do not trust the people at home to not listen when I'm on a phone call. The weekend is always a holiday here. Messages are not intimate enough, and can be screengrabbed.

How do I help myself?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_ongoing
Question 166,"Title: I'm lonely but incapable of connecting with people

Text: I have been a shut in for 4 years and have been utterly miserable and lonely. I barely leave the house and when I do it's only to see my dad. I want a group of trustworthy people who I can have fun and be myself with but I just don't integrate with other people in that way, probably because I'm autistic. I'm so lonely but being around people makes me anxious and miserable, I feel broken and I look at the state of the world and see no way that things will improve for me, especially since I've been shut inside away from people for this long. I don't even talk to people online. I want to die but the thought of being a rotting corpse scares me, I wish I could go peacefully and be cremated.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 167,"Title: Not finding place to leave pet on time should i kill myself and pet so pet isnt left alone

Text: Humanely kill pet along with myself instead of leaving pet with my dead body?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 168,"Title: The plan I never wanted to do

Text: I'll start by saying that it will be near damn impossible to change my mind. After my first relationship ended I made a vow to myself. If I ever had to deal with a divorce I was just going to end it. It's been years since then. Relationships have come and gone. Both happiness and heartbreak. My last relationship before marriage ended pretty bad so I took 4 years off. Not even a quick lay. In comes my now wife. She came into my life a couple weeks after my best friend took his life. She made me feel alive again. After 2 months of dating we knew we were going to get married. Now both of us have terrible impulse control so I proposed, she said yes, and we were legally married a week later. The morning after our wedding she had to go into surgery to save her life. It was the scariest moment of my life. She made it out ok. Something happened after she recovered. She fell into alcohol really hard and we got into many arguments. 2 months ago we got into a bad one. The next morning we made up and decided to continue with marriage counseling. I went to work and had a no contact order delivered to me. Divorce papers a week later. Even my faith isn't saving me.
I plan to keep my promise to myself in 2 weeks time. I'm going to spend time with friends and family, get some peace, and dissappear into the woods. 
I don't know if I'm doing this for attention or if I'm seeking help. Well it's all out there. Thank you for reading.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 169,"Title: I've set a date

Text: 22nd birthday. May 26th. Set it quite a way away, probably because I still have some hope.

 How fucking stupid of me.

Title is what it is, not sure what else there is to say.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 170,"Title: not desperate, still suicidal

Text: usually my suicidal thoughts and plans accompany really bad mood swings/drops, but this time it's different. I am very calm, not anxious or in despair, but still actively thinking of suicide. my plans got more precise. recently my partner's grandma passed away and I got to know how much the funeral costs, so I know the sum I need to save before I do it. it seems like I accepted that I will die by suicide and it feels weird.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 171,"Title: Pain Hopscotch

Text: It's mostly just alternating from lonliness to anxiety to depression to contemplating suicide with a few distractions away from the pain time to time.  Round and around we go.  What an absolute nightmare.  This is an evil place, there is no doubt of that.  The cherry on top is some people get to be happy while others suffer relentlessly wishing they were them.  I never want to see this world again, I'm 100% sure of that.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 172,"Title: It’s Father’s Day and I’m 23 and a single dad and I feel so lonely and sad, I don’t feel happy I don’t know why , I wish I wasn’t alive right now and some how died of a accident, I really wish I had some affection by someone who loves me too,

Text: I woke up feeling so sad and now I can’t stop crying , my dad took my son while I shower and etc but I’m so upset and I wish I wasn’t alive , I hate my self so bad I’m so lonely and sad, I really wish I had affection

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 173,"Title: I really feel like I might kill myself soon

Text: I don’t know how much longer I can keep showing up to life while I have this internal pain inside me. I will never reach the goals I have and I’m crippled by my mental health I can’t connect with people or live the life I envisage. 

On Sunday I woke up and the only thing that got me out of bed was knowing that I would end my life later that day. I went to have one last breakfast, one last stroll around my favourite streets and then I broke down and sat on the road in the rain for two hours bawling my eyes out.. but I made it back home. 

Today, I woke up wishing I had done it on Sunday. 

I just don’t know how much longer I can continue

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 174,"Title: Living Only For Parents' Approval

Text: 
Ugh. I just can't keep going.

I've grown up the stereotypical ""gifted kid"" and I am MISERABLE. This year I'm taking 4 AP classes and 2 honors classes. I am completely drowning in work and I hate it. But I took those classes so that my parents would be proud of me.

A couple weeks ago was the end of the first grading period and I had a very difficult time. Ultimately, though, I managed to get all of my assignments turned in and I finished with 5 A's and 2 B+'s. My class rank moved up several slots. My parents both told me they were very proud.

Well, that crunch time completely exhausted me. I've had trouble keeping up with my assignments for this quarter while I've been trying to recover. My therapist says that this is completely normal.

I thought everything was fine and had planned to work on my missing assignments over the weekend, but my BITCH physics teacher emailed my parents and told them that I had 5 missing assignments in her class. So they got mad and yelled at me. They completely forgot that they were proud of me before.

The only thing I'm really living for is my parents approval. Ever since I was born, I've been a show pony for them. I can't do anything without repeatedly asking if they're okay with it. They praise me whenever I do what they want, but act like I'm the worst person ever when I make a mistake.

Right now, they're angry at me and no longer think that I'm a good student. I've lost all of their approval and I feel like I don't have any reason to live anymore. I know it's terrible, but I keep wishing that I'd get a horrible illness so that I wouldn't have to do schoolwork anymore and so my parents would treat me like a saint.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 175,"Title: I just can't do this anymore

Text: I have assignments I need to do for college but I can't bring myself to care anymore. I'm just staring knowing I'm wasting my time. Thinking about just leaving a note and doing it right now

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 176,"Title: why bother if it's so cold?

Text: It's sad really, i do try sometimes but leaving my shitty boring lifestyle is extremely.. tiring for me, i have a defunct social battery, and it just is easier for me to be alone.

And it's not just me getting burnt out by life and people in general, i can't even find someone proper to talk to without some major glaring issues that cause me to cut off contact for the ease of my mind, social life just has never been my strong suite and it probably never will be.

I do wonder if i wasn't born if i'd be better or not, i'm too burnt out to even work, and don't advise me to take a week off, that's not an option.

I do appreciate the ""it'll get better"" but it's just a lazy response and it really doesn't, my options are quite limited and get more limited with time as people are getting more and more radicalized in the wrongest directions.

I got nothing to say other than this, there is no story.

I tried and went to hang out with new people, some people i hoped were like minded, but things were.. boring, empty, dull, i tried my best to carry the conversations but i'm not a floatie, it's a two way street.

It's not as simple as getting out to somewhere new, i need a new country and that's not possible, i can't find anyone similar to me and that's.. engaging for my emotions, no offense to anyone who tried and failed, it might be the simple fact that my mind is wired different but i can't figure out how to handle it.

I don't have any moral or anything to say just words.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 177,"Title: I’m 18 and I’ve hit rock bottom, and it’s the end of my life.

Text: I’m just going start this with I’ve never posted on reddit before, and I’ve hardly ever used it but I need to just throw this out into the universe.. I doubt anybody’s going to read it anyway.

It all started when I turned 18, a few months ago. I had dropped out of high school for reasons I won’t go into, meaning my biological father didn’t have to pay child support to my horrible stepdad and mother. 

They’ve been verbally, and mentally abusive to me my whole life, with a tiny bit of physical abuse chucked in for good measure, and once I turned 18 it got a lot worse. I developed stressed induced issues like jaw grinding in my sleep ect and a lot of nightmares.  

Short story of it all was it kept building up until they kicked me out one night. 

From then I was homeless, so I couch surfed across friends houses for a week until my girlfriend said she could bring me in.

My girlfriend is the most beautiful, precious and special girl in the world. She means everything to me. We started dating about 8 months ago but her parents said I could move in and get back on my feet. 

I’ve stayed with them for 2 months and during that time I managed to work most nights as a kitchen hand and it was okay. I had 2 more months before I had to leave and was looking for a sharehouse or something.

That was going okay until I fucked it all up. I had no idea but me staying here was hurting my girlfriend and I had no clue. Its my fault, I kept getting nightmare about her cheating so I was asking too many questions sometimes although I really thought it was getting better until one night, tonight, I fell back on my anxiety and did it again. This had made her sad and she told her mum and she said I need to leave. 

So much more has happened and my life just continues to fuck up more and more and I’m just fucking sick of it. I’m sick of always being so unlucky and kicked down and down and I just need a break from worrying about everything all the time. 

I don’t know if I’ll do it because the one thing stopping me is how much I love her, and I can’t let her feel the pain of me dying. I don’t know what to do. Fuck it all. I don’t even know where I can live for fucks sake.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","childabuse_endangerment_past,suicideideation_passive_ongoing"
Question 178,"Title: My parents told me to kill myself!

Text: Hi. I'm 14 years old. I've been self harming since I was 13. Last month my parents got to know about my self harm. They threatened to kick me out of the house. My school told them that I have to see a therapist, but my parents don't want me to see a therapist. A few days ago my parents told me to kill myself instead of cutting. My dad told me to buy a rope and hang myself. I'm suicidal and they made it even worse. They told me that, no one would date me, if they see my scars. WTF!!!
What can I do??😭😭😭

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 179,"Title: Jealous of my rapists success 15F

Text: My rapist is quite well known in my local area and is known as a sweet guy so whenever I have said anything even to the police I wasn’t taken seriously because everyone loves him. He’s a singer and guitarist and is always on my local radio and on tv. And I continuously get his videos recommended to me on TikTok of him performing some of which have like half a million views and all the comments saying how amazing he is and talented he is just rages me. I mean he is talented I know that but after what he did to me I don’t understand how he can have his dreams come true get to go to all there concerts,make money be on tv and just overall live his best life. And I on the flipside am here being depressed and suicidal and still picking up the peices because of what he did to me.

I hate being jealous. I’ve never been a jealous person really. But seeing how happy he is after abusing me. And how much people adore him. And his fame. It just kills me inside. I get so angry everytime I see it hear him. Even my friends love him. And are proud of him. Even though I told them what he did.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","childabuse_endangerment_past,rape_past,suicideideation_passive_ongoing"
Question 180,"Title: Couldn’t get high

Text: So I slit the shit out of my wrists. Last time I did this was in like 8th grade. I remember the words of my psychiatrist at the time that still haunt me: I’ve worked with many people like you, and trust me, it never goes away. It’ll always find its way back to you. 

This was when I tried convincing him I was fine and no longer needed to see him. He was right. Years later and here I am. Sitting in my own fucking blood. It feels like there’s no tomorrow. I am in eternal hell.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 181,"Title: what is it like at a DV shelter?

Text: What is it like to go to a shelter? Are they wheelchair accessible? Do you need proof of the abuse? How long can a person stay? I'm considering going but I need to know because if it doesn't work out I will have to come back to the house I'm trying to escape.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_ongoing
Question 182,"Title: My friend and her daughter were murdered by her boyfriend. Are there any resources that could help their family with funeral costs?

Text: This past week has been tough. Her murderer,  boyfriend, and the father of her daughter is still on the run. 

Are there any resources that can help her family out? I'm wracking my brain for anything I can do. I donated to her family's Go Fund Me. Is there any sort of non profit, church, or organization that could help?

I'm not sure if details are allowed but if you're in the midwest, please take a look at the news and keep an eye out for her murderer.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 183,"Title: Should I cut them off?

Text: I (20F) and my gf (19F) are moving countries at the end of the year and am unsure whether to cut my family off entirely. 

My brothers abusive and recently threatened my partner and I whilst drunk saying he’d ‘destroy us’, it’s also not the first time he’s gotten to this murderous rage. He has run off to his gf’s place and hasn’t come back and we’ve refused any contact with them. My parents and family were very physically abusive growing up to the point where I’m now in therapy. During the incident with my brother a few months ago they stood and watched as he physically threatened my partner and myself, he’s quite a lot bigger than me (he’s 5’11 I’m 5’2) and they did nothing to help us. After that they continually make excuses for him and tell us to forget his violence and completely dismiss anything we say. They have always been like this and have always taken his side.

My issue is that living without contact with my family (particularly my dad who I get along with really well, but is controlled by my mother) will be really hard and I don’t want our kids growing up the same way I did. I know I cannot have one without the other and they will have my partners parents to support them as well.

Should I keep minimal contact with them and see how it goes after we move, or should I cut them off entirely?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",childabuse_endangerment_past
Question 184,"Title: Looking for a relevant read to understand abuse? Read “Why Does He Do That?”

Text: [Why Does He Do That?](https://www.amazon.ca/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO)

Not a promotion. 

This book is really useful for anyone wanting to understand the minds of an abuser. It can help you understand why s/he might say things like “you made me do that,” or why s/he might continuously blame you. I highly recommend this book for anyone who’s been in an abusive relationship, or is otherwise prone to attracting the ilk. 

I think an important thing survivors need to remember is that NO IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I’ve been seeing users post about self-blame on this thread, and let me tell you something: You are only responsible for your own actions. One thing this book helped me realise is that, further, you are *not* responsible for the way s/he reacts to what you’ve allegedly done. 

People have done stuff to piss each other off, but a normal recourse is not to resort to abuse. So, ya, stop blaming ya self for someone else’s shit. 

Anything less than an unreserved apology from your abuser should be sent straight to the trash bin. Even then, you should take it with a grain of salt.  More info on genuine apologies can be found [here](https://imgur.com/gallery/Zy7bcN5).

Other than that, happy reading, and stay strong my loves. It gets better. People believe you and I believe you. 💪😋

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 185,"Title: A story of escape.

Text:  

It’s been 16 years since I left my ex-husband.  I left him on July 4th, which I still celebrate as my independence day.  

We’d gotten into a fight.  He’d left me at home, alone, and went out with his brother and his family to celebrate July 4th without me.  I was home all day, waiting for him to pick me up.  He’d promised he would, as I had just had surgery two weeks earlier and was finally well enough to get out of the house.

When he finally walked in, he was clearly drunk.  I asked him why he hadn’t come for me.  He said something unintelligible to me and then reached out, grabbed my hair and slammed my head against the keyboard on my desk.

It didn’t matter what I said.  Or if I had remained silent.  He had come home in a mean mood.  And when he wasn’t happy, he radiated that anger so it chilled the very air around me.  It built in the stereotypical way, until he finally up and abused me in some way.  He was rarely apologetic afterwards.  Sometimes he told me it was my fault.  If I’d just been better somehow, he wouldn’t act that way.  Or, he blamed his childhood.  His mother picking up and leaving his father when he was a kid.  Always an excuse as to why his abuse wasn’t really his fault.

He grabbed the car keys he’d dropped onto his desk when he walked in.  Lifting them up, dangling them, he literally sneered at me.  “I’m taking the car, spending the weekend at my brother’s house.  Let’s see how you get to work next Sunday without a car.”

This was a common occurrence during our marriage.  He’d do something to show me that he was in control if he felt his grip on me slipping.  Like the day we were driving in his stick shift car (he knew I couldn’t drive stick shifts, which is precisely why he wanted one).  We were at a stoplight.  I ‘gave him sass’ about something.  So he put the car in park, turned it off, left the keys in the ignition and got out.  I was terrified.  I can’t drive stick shifts.  There was traffic behind us.  Horns were honking as the light had turned green and our car wasn’t moving.  

He walked down the street.  Got nearly a block away as I begged and screamed for him to come back. Cars were now driving around our car, giving me dirty looks. One guy flipped me off.  My voice was hoarse when he finally decided to turn around and come back.  I was sobbing and shaking.  

“Won’t do that again, now will you.” he said.  I nodded, trying to dry my cheeks and find a kleenex in my purse to blow my nose with.

This was the brunt of our marriage.  He would do something to make me beg him to come back.  This time, he took the keys to our only vehicle and intimated I’d have no way to go to work unless I called him at his brother’s house and begged him to come home with the car.

I was somehow lucky enough that the keyboard hadn’t left an impression on my face.  It hurt, but there was no black eye, no bruises forming as my face had partially hit the padding of the keyboard rest.  Some of my hair fell out where he’d jerked it hard.

It was the last straw.  I got onto the internet, which was my one and only refuge.  I had friends there, friends he had no control over.  Friends he didn’t chase off or tell me couldn’t associate with.  I couldn’t even tell them he’d slammed my face into the keyboard.  Just that he’d gotten drunk, we had fought, and he took the car so I couldn’t get to work on Sunday night.

Two internet friends drove all the way from Boston that night.  I was a whirlwind of packing.  I didn’t have suitcases, so I put clothing into bags.  I grabbed important papers.  I packed cat food and cat litter.  My two cats knew something was up, following me from room to room in concern.

They arrived around 5 am.  I was shaking, afraid that at any moment my husband would return and there’d be an altercation with these two men who’d come to rescue me.  Once we’d hastily gathered everything up, I left the apartment we’d lived in only a few months.  I had no attachment to it, as my husband couldn’t sit still in one place for very long.  If we made it through one lease year at an apartment, it was a miracle.  I had no love for the area we lived in, either.  Compared to the golden wheat fields of my home state, the city we lived in was grey, depressing, full of poverty and elderly people and churches on every street corner preaching fire and brimstone.

It wasn’t until we crossed the border that I felt my shoulders relax.

The last thing he said to me was sneered in anger and contempt.  That without him, I was nothing.  That he was in control.  He did these things whenever I raised a hint of independence.  Or had a thought of my own that he hadn’t given me.  I was broken after six years of this kind of treatment.  

It was a month before he finally found me.  Not physically, the girl I was staying with had an address that was ridiculous to find and this was a time before GPS or smart phones like we have today.  But he called on the phone, asking to talk to me.  My friend was reluctant but I said ok.  She sat there next to me, reached out and took my hands in hers.

He told me that he loved me so much. That he was so sorry, that he’d do whatever it took to get me back.  His voice was pitiful, sounded like he’d been crying.  He told me he was crashing on his brother’s couch, he’d been devastated to walk into our apartment and realize I was gone.

I told him I needed time to think about this.  That I couldn’t make a decision right then and there.  That was not what he wanted to hear.  The pleading tone to his voice took on another edge.  The one that always indicated tension was escalating.  My heart rate suddenly increased.  I squeezed my friend's hand. She mouthed 'hang up'.

“I’m not going back.  I’m moving back home.  I want a divorce.”

He whined at me. Cajoled me.  Threatened me.  Finally, he begged me not to leave him.  

My last words to him were ‘Good bye.’  I never spoke to him again.  In person, or over the phone.

I called my mother.  She sent me a check for $300 to move back home.  The two guys who rescued me were, coincidentally, also moving to my home state for a job prospect.  I hitched a ride in their U-Haul back home.  To the safety of the town I’d lived in for 10 years before my husband.

Fast forward 16 years.  It took me awhile to climb out of the hole he’d dug for me and tossed me into unceremoniously.  Financially, sexually, emotionally, physically.  I went to therapy for awhile.  I paid back money I could, and what I couldn’t, I had to file for bankruptcy on.  Everything had been in my name, because my estranged husband always said that he had bad credit.  Then, of course, he’d let payments lapse.  Bills weren’t to be paid, not by him.  He’d blow our money on his cigarettes, toys he wanted, a new motorbike.  Stuff we just couldn’t afford.

I dated briefly a few years later.  Then stopped even looking, because I decided I wanted to learn how to live alone. To love myself.  That took years. 

Now, I’m living in a house on my own.  I have three cats I love.  I’ve gotten an amazing job that pays me enough to live comfortably and save money toward retirement.  All the things he told me I would never achieve.  

Lastly, I’m engaged to a man who loves me.  Who will never, ever, slam my head against my keyboard or call me demeaning nicknames, or tell me I’m stupid, or make me beg him for anything.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_past
Question 186,"Title: For Fellow Survivors of Narcissistic/Sociopathic Abuse (of romantic relationships) - 3 Playlists Filled with Songs to Help You Feel Empowered and Stay NO CONTACT!

Text: Hope y'all enjoy! These really boost my mood when I need it! SONG SUGGESTIONS TO ADD ARE WELCOME!

Reminder, unlike MOST Narc Abuse playlists I’ve come across, these are designed to help you feel BETTER and GOOD about getting out of your abusive relationship. These aren’t the songs that go into reminiscence or share the saga of what we experienced (although those songs certainly have value at points during recovery)! But no, these are playlists where if you’re feeling crappy over your ex, turn these on and get into a better mood! 

COUNTRY EDITION [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6c5rGJx4DVzfpJ4aVbElIp?si=yIo-pe2ERgOAClW60I1joQ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6c5rGJx4DVzfpJ4aVbElIp?si=yIo-pe2ERgOAClW60I1joQ)

ALTERNATIVE EDITION [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0p1EfbRcRghv6pSniADLwb?si=sKZ4UC\_IQw63IQ1u7bql9w](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0p1EfbRcRghv6pSniADLwb?si=sKZ4UC_IQw63IQ1u7bql9w)

POP/HIP-HOP EDITION [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/64ibG7fsW1EU34kMC5i2jn?si=J2T\_2PnsQcmMMyWlgWIXlA](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/64ibG7fsW1EU34kMC5i2jn?si=J2T_2PnsQcmMMyWlgWIXlA)

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 187,"Title: Need advice on whether my dad is abusive or just simply a dickhead

Text: My dad has always confused me on whether he's abusive or if I'm just overreacting, sometimes he'll be nice and buy me stuff and he works to support the family, he's there when I need him most times, but on the other hand he has threatened me many times. He used to never let me go out with my friends as a young teen. He screams at me, he's grabbed me by the throat because he was frustrated with me not keeping my room tidy. He said 'if you were a boy I would've beaten the shit out of you' which worries me bc in his new marriage he has two young boys, my little brothers, god forbid he ever hurts them. He was emotionally neglectful when i was a child, but when I got into my teens he started verbally abusing me, constantly saying horrible things to me telling me I'm worthless, lazy, a bitch, a dickhead, etc. I'd maybe understand if I was lazy but I really dont think I am. I've always been a very hard working person, often can get misunderstood for laziness bc my brain is so scrambled but since I've moved out of my dad's house I've been thinking a lot clearer. Are these verbal attacks, grabbing my throat, throwing and damaging my things, kicking me out for no reason, threats, hitting me but not hard enough to bruise, a reasonable reaction for a frustrated father or should I be worried that he's an abusive person? For context I'm nineteen now and most of these events happened in my teens. Sometimes I wonder if he hates me because I remind him of my mum who he split from when I was a baby. He kicked her out when I was two.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",childabuse_endangerment_past
Question 188,"Title: Another Risky relationship?

Text: In a new relationship, all was going well and nothing to sketchy or major red flags, he seemed healthy and normal. We went out drinking with his friends and I’ve never seen him get violent when he was drunk. It wasn’t towards me. I was talking to his close friend, casual conversation and my bf had asked me if we could give him a ride home since I wasn’t drinking, my bf starts screaming at me and his friend “YOU TRYNA F MY GIRL BRO!! SERIOUSLY BRO F YOU IMA F YOU UP” and he punches his own friend. I was shocked because I had never seen this side of him. He continues to yell and scream and keeps trying to charge at him. He apologized eventually after I dropped him off at his apartment and we haven’t spoken in two days. He keeps apologizing but with my history of abusive alcoholic ex I can’t help but feel a bit nervous now about continuing a relationship with him. It just feels like another repeat or deju. Do I forgive him or get away as fast as possible? I can’t figure it out! Maybe it’s a sign?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_past
Question 189,"Title: What my mother said about my scars and what I carved into my thigh 🙃

Text: ""You embarrass me!""
""Those are disgusting!""
""You are not allowed to wear shorts anymore!""
""Have some consideration for me and MY feelings!""
""How do you thing I feel?!""
""I almost threw up when I looked at your leg!""

Throughout this argument, all I could do is laugh. There is nothing you can say to a narcissistic parent that would make them understand that they caused this, and aren't helping the matter. 

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 190,"Title: I'm so confused...

Text: So I'm 27 (m) and I've been with my girlfriend for 3 ish years... It's gotten to the point where she loves to down grade me by saying I don't last very long or that I'm super tiny. I don't want to brag or bring up older relationships up but I have performed beyond expectations expect for her. Mind you she does nothing to help herself come with me as I am just trying my hardest to keep going with no success. (We'll name her Edna) Edna then continuously commands that I be ass down, dick up or even give her a neck message. I, at one time gave her the whole nine yards with a back message just for us to go to the store later on just for her to make a scene that I am not helping with grocery bags.. (All she was doing was putting items into the bags while I was trying to put bags into the cart but I ""clearly"" was just in the way) I try my best not to initiate anything because why bother...right?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 191,"Title: I dont know what to do anymore

Text: Like the title says I don't know what to do anymore,
The end of my 18th year of life is coming to an end and I feel like I wasted it, 18 is supposed to be the big checkpoint in life your first steps into adulthood spending your time around the pub with your mates or enjoying time with someone special, I didn't get that experience instead I did my time in college, left without friends wasted my summer in my house and now I'm 7 weeks into a Job that only leaves me with the weekend to rest, my job is good pay but repetitive, tedius, its easy work with good Co workers but once the week is up I've finished doing the same thing day in day out I get to relax on the weekends doing nothing, I don't go out I don't talk to anyone I just lye in bed or watch TV outside of work I don't talk to anyone other than my parents, I am completely alone not in the sense of I'm sad and I neglect my friends I am alone isolated from relationships unable to build any and given my full working week it's not like I have the chance to either, it doesn't help that the people I've met have given me a good view of people, people so arsey and annoying full of opinions on every little thing not letting you slack the littlest bit otherwise you're not as good as them, it's awful and i want friends but given my past experiences it doesn't look hopeful that I really want any, despite that I don't want to be alone I don't want to waste my life as an outcast and end up with no memories to look back on and cherish when I'm old and grey. And another thing I feel that through my own frugality I've lost any feeling of wanting to spend money and by extension I don't want to do anything not because of cost but because of the lack of anything grabbing my interest for instance lots of people love concerts but I don't see the fun in it I can just enjoy the music at home (side note im into old music so theres no chance of seeing any that i like since itd be sad watching these old dudes play music, heck just look at how bad it was with phil collins on the last concert they did the guy wasnt in shape to perform) another problem I face is after something I enjoyed finishes i get miserable because of it being over and life resuming as if It didn't happen, or more lately I find myself in a scenario where I should be enjoying myself but instead I see the people around me with their relationships and sociality and feel bad knowing I don't have that.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 192,"Title: My truth about getting advice to overcome depression.

Text: Putting medication aside, I have met those who gives support and offer advices. Around most which I have no interest in listening but I just go along to make them feel better about their deeds.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 193,"Title: i cant communicate

Text: recently i relapsed for the first time in six months and the biggest regret i have is not looking for help before i did it. the person i trust most in the world right now is emotionally unavailable and i just want to talk to them and i cant. and i don’t want to hear “i’m sorry” or anything i just want her to care. i wish i could man tf up and say something

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 194,"Title: Need Friends

Text: I'll be straight up honest, I need friends. I'm tired of having social anxiety and awkwardness. Posting this is my way to embrace the awkwardness. Feel free to tell me how you broke out of your loneliness

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 195,"Title: Please Share This & GET THIS STALKER JAILED

Text: [https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story\_fbid=4772281322845046&id=100001896764674](https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=4772281322845046&id=100001896764674)

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 196,"Title: I'm done ruining my dignity by trying to make friends

Text: I posted this here because I had no one else to share my feelings with so I guess it makes me feel better to share them here even if it's gonna get downvoted.

I've been trying to make friends for years. I've always been the one who approaches first. The one who asks and cares about the other but NOTHING literally nothing comes out of it. People simply never care or show the slightest bit of interest in me and just talk to me when they need something.

This has been going through middle and high school and now in college as well even though I tried meeting so many people and I pushed myself to be as social as I can but everything is still the same.

Before you tell me that I need to WAIT or CHANGE myself I will tell you that I had enough negative thoughts in my head about these two things so I don't care anymore.

I just don't understand. I help people, I'm nice and caring and I receive compliments from everyone but when it comes to anything concerning friendship it never happens and even that introverted guy in my classroom got friends without doing even half of what I'm doing.

This is it. It's over. I'm not putting myself in this pain anymore. I'm ending my search for friendship and I will accept being alone instead of ruining my dignity with giving attention to people who won't give it back. Even if someone approaches me after this decision I'm rejecting them. I'm not fate's toy where it gives me what I want after all the pain I felt.

I wanted friendship because I thought it would make me happy but I was very wrong. This made me more miserable than being alone and I finally feel comfortable with my decision.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 197,"Title: Venting

Text: I am 43f my health problems are slowly killing me. I have well fell like I have given up.   I have no support system   No friends my son is 5 hours away with the only positive thing in my life my grand babies . My daughter is on meth     I have failed her.   I am in a loveless sexless marriage.  I work I love my job. But I don’t talk anymore especially at work I work alone so really nothing to talk about.  I feel like everyone left.  But yet I haven’t reached out to much.  This year has really been one bad thing after another I am in pain almost all the time. I can’t walk to much.  My friend just showed up today and called me out. I am staying in bed when not at work.  At work I sit in a office chair by myself. For most my hours   I know what’s happening but I can’t stop it    Which makes no sense   I keep thinking about my life and I am not impressed. I never finished anything in my life.  I been in my head so much cause I have nothing to talk about.  My illness no one wants to hear or talk about it.  I am scared that I am over reacting but I swear I am not faking it.  I hurt my left foot is in so much pain   But I just keep going. They won’t give me pain meds so what am I to do.  Ever since the angioplasty I haven’t gotten out of bed other then to go to work then it’s straight back to bed. Got called out on that today   But it’s not like I got out of bed.  Yesterday was first Halloween I didn’t see kids    I stayed in bed all day  is this just empty nest    I don’t think so maybe it is with added stress   My daughter on drugs.  I have sent her messages and I got nothing she isn’t speaking to me and I am kinda worried but pissed.  Like at least fake nice to just at least text     So there is that  I hate my husband marriage. No love I mean we don’t talk at all we don’t touch each other and we haven’t since he came back  that was 3 years ago.  I am doing what I said I would do and make sure he is cared for    It’s not as bad as it was    We don’t fight anymore it’s like the toxic part of that is gone it’s just we co exist together he says I love you when he drops me at work. It’s not like I stay for the kids they are grown it’s just husband my dad in me in my house.  But I am so damn lonely and miserable nothing makes me happy no joy in my life do I sound selfish     I feel like I can’t make my own decisions.  I quit taking most of my meds and all crazy meds stopped when I started working so is that why I so mentally unstable I was extremely happy and feel clear almost I am not forgetting as much as I was but I started taking my meds tonight. When I said it’s slowly killing me I am not over reacting which I feel as speaking that I am being a little over reacting.  But I have blockages down both legs and abdomen the blockages in my abdomen are 100 % blocked couldn’t get a catheter past it so next step surgeon. But I have to wait all the way till the 22nd to have a test for surgeon.  I feel the longer the wait the worse it is    No pulse in my foot and it hurts daily with no pain meds.   Damn junkies. Drs won’t prescribe then which baffles me because Google my symptoms first thing pops up is pain so drs know I am not lying because these elements are proven but hey i been feeling with it for a year which I am so scared I am gonna lose my leg.  But I haven’t really said anything about that cause I feel like I am begging for attention and silently I think I am.  Because bypass is the next step says the internet. Cause I am to shy and stupid to ask questions.  Like what is the surgeon gonna do like I what am I to expect what questions exactly do I need to know. I am gonna post this cause I am hoping somebody reads this and comes in with something kind or useful and just say hey it’s gonna work out.  I just don’t want to do their alone and damn it I am alone.  My elements start with the stupid stuff first all the bad regular blood work blood pressure cholesterol type 2 diabetic congestive heart failure I have a difbulator in my chest my heart only works at 30-35%  mentally I am bipolar with schizophrenic tendencies anxiety I have anger problem when things spin out of control I lose my shuff   Someone just please help me just reaching out hoping my cry for help doesn’t fall on death ears

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 198,"Title: Why are some counselors at hospitals just not very nurturing, patient, and kind?

Text: Wasn't sure whether to tag this as vent or thoughts/opinions.

I just got back home from inpatient for behavioral health today. Majority of the counselors were nice and friendly while still being firm. But there were a couple bad apples in the bunch, not that they were terrible but they could at least be a little more aware of the type of environment they're working in.

I know this is silly, but one of the counselors actually triggered me, and I tried my best to hold it in and not get emotional over it (however, I eventually did cry when I called my fiance about it). Obviously I didn't wanna be kept there longer lol, I'd rather get help for my trauma from a therapist outside of the hospital that has expertise in that area.

Regardless, when she was rushing us to finish our breakfast, the way she verbalized it felt like she thought of us as children, below her, and stupid (we are all adults here, no need to make us feel shittier than we already do). It felt like she had no regard for how she made others feel, like she forgot we're a bunch of mentally ill adults and not children that need to be herded to the next class. A patient mentioned that breakfast was announced a little late, around 8:20am or something like that. She said in a know-it-all tone, ""Actually, breakfast came up at 8:07, so we weren't late by much."" The entire time she was on her shift, I felt on edge. I was shaking a couple times throughout the day and was afriad she was gonna pop out of nowhere to scold me for walking the wrong way.

This same counselor (I think??) also told people who were walking up and down the halls to pass the time not to touch the walls. Even though they weren't causing any damage... Just. Touching. A wall. At this moment, she really sounded like that shitty teacher that makes her own rules and forces you to follow them or she'll give you hell.

I heard another case (not sure if it was the same counselor or not) where someone was asking for markers from the office to bring into the dayroom during visiting hours. This counselor gave them an attitude and said, ""You're not allowed to bring markers to your room."" The patient then said they had a visitor and wanted something to do with said visitor. The counselor then said it's not allowed when it... always has been allowed. Another counselor in the office, scolding her, said, ""It IS allowed, just give them the markers.""

Apparently this specific counselor has a terrible reputation with patients all over the unit. Patients that had the displeasure of meeting her either for the first time or plenty of times from being hospitalized more than once have said she's just an awful person to be around.

I actually brought up her behavior to one of the nurses. When I said I was having an issue with someone to the nurse she said, ""Let's go talk to [the counselor]."" I immediately stopped her and said the counselor was my problem. The next day, that counselor was acting slightly nicer, but ended up being a bitch on one of my last few days.

Being firm with patients is understandable, but this was just straight up bullying.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 199,"Title: Crippling apathy

Text: I have not had a depressive episode like this in years. Suddenly had a few bad things happen to me all at once in the past month, however I don't even understand why I don't feel anything or why these issues have had this impact on me. I have gone through adversity my entire life, but for some reason this bout is affecting me.

 And I'm apathetic, but I'm angry about being apathetic. And I feel guilty for not feeling certain things I feel like I should. And I feel like I'm living a double life, not even for others but for myself. I keep trying to convince everyone that everything is fine because I think Im trying to convince myself of the same. It's working on everyone except me. 

And the kicker is, I know I should want to feel ""happy"" or maybe even sadness about the events in my life to work through them instead of being sad that I'm apathetic, but I can't bring myself to feel, so I don't care enough to get myself out of this stupid black hole of indifference and lack of progress. And I truly don't want to go through the effort of talking to a professional. It feels like too much. Im not sure if it's because I'm not ready to face whatever it is I'm shutting down with an apathy wall, or what it is, but I don't feel like I'm there yet. 

Anyone else go/going through this?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 200,"Title: Have you tried meta cognitive therapy?

Text: Hi! Was wondering if any of you have tried meta cognitive therapy and what your experiences are?

During the past 10 years I've tried different therapists and all the standard therapy types. Although it hasn't been a complete waste of time it doesn't seem to have helped much long term as my issues have only gotten worse with time.
I've seen a lot about meta cognitive therapy as this new effective therapy form, but would like to hear the experiences from people who have actually tried it?

Found a therapist in my area that offers it, so am thinking about trying it.

For context:
I'm diagnosed with periodic depression,  depressive and anxious character traits, and an executive dysfunction. 
I've also been on all sorts of medication with no effect and my depression is considered treatment resistant.
However, I've started new medication to help with the executive dysfunction and it seems to have some effect in my fatigue at least, so figured that might give me the energy to start therapy again.

Thank you in advance!😊

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 201,"Title: I'm so sick of rape scenes in movies

Text: I'm a big horror movie fan and unfortunately there are a lot of horror films depicting rape and sexual assault without any warning and it's a huge trigger for me.

 I always find myself googling ""does x have a rape scene"" before watching a movie. I really wish streaming platforms like Netflix and Hulu would add a ""sexual assault"" tag in with the other ones so I don't have to keep doing this. If a movie does have a rape scene, I refuse to watch the entire film, I just can't do it.

Anyone else relate?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 202,"Title: Apparently, under Texas law, if you invite someone into your house, they can't possibly sexually assault you.

Text: The detective assigned to my case reached out to my rapist, who told pretty much entirely the same story I did. But because we'd talked about having sex before she came over, what happened once she got here was inherently consensual. The case has been closed, and now I get the anxiety about whether there will be any retaliation (she's poly, and her boyfriend already didn't like me for not completing the sexual act with her). My parents stopped talking to me for reporting it, my ex-wife blocked me, and the police say no law was broken. I feel fucking crazy right now.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_past
Question 203,"Title: Male rape survivor

Text: Not sure if this is allowed, but I have noticed that the majority of the sad stories here are from women. I was raped by my mother for 7 years, from age 10 to 17 when I ran away from home. I would like to encourage my fellow men to step forward and tell their stories too. All too often, men are not believed or just brushed aside when they talk about their SA. Be heard my brothers, be heard.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","childabuse_endangerment_past,rape_past"
Question 204,"Title: my ‘brother’ made me suck his dick when I was 10

Text: There was this older guy, 21, whom I’m not related to but I consider him as an older brother. He and his parents stayed at our house one summer.

During his stay, every night he would go to my room and tell me to touch his penis. This went on for days and later on, it moved to sucking. He told we to lick and suck it like a lollipop. He’d say things like he was sad and I can cheer him up by sucking his penis. There was even this one time when he licked my vagina and said that it was his own way of rewarding me for being ‘such a good girl’. He told me not to tell my parents because he said it was our little secret, like a game.

Years later, now that I’m in high school and have learned so much, I realized that was rape. I necer told my parents because I’m too afraid to cause commotion. I also know I don’t have much evidence because that happened years ago. I haven’t seen him anymore but the memory still haunts me.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","childabuse_endangerment_past,rape_past"
Question 205,"Title: Help. How do I support a friend who was raped?

Text: I apologize if this post is redundant, I tried to use the search function but couldn't find relevant posts. 

I've known this friend about ~2yrs or so, and today they shared with me that they were SAed almost 2 decades ago. They thought they were over it but started having nightmares about the incident again around couple months ago. 

Now I have absolutely no experience on how to deal with heavier sensitive topics like this. I want to support my friend of course, but I also don't want to be giving unsolicited advice, especially on something I don't know much about. They're scheduled for a therapy session in the coming week. But I would like to help somehow until then. :(

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 206,"Title: my brother is raping me

Text: My older brother has been raping me for 2 years. It started with him saying weird things to me, then he started making me watch porn with him and he
would touch himself to it. After a while of doing that he would come into my room at night and rape me. I'm scared to tell anyone and I don't want to complicate my family's life. I'm scared of not being believed by my parents. I've also always looked up to my brother so I feel bad even thinking about telling on him.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_ongoing
Question 207,"Title: My uncle undressed me while I was under the influence of date rape drug and I feel super violated

Text: Ok so I don’t know how to talk about this it’s a really confusing situation. Basically this family took me in when I was 16 and had no where to go. It was my sisters roommate and I lived with them for a long time until I was 19 and my brother died at her aunt and uncle’s house (lightning strike) so they took me in and let me stay with them (rent free) for a few years. I considered them to be close family since I have no parents. My sister is also extremely emotionally distant so I can’t talk to her about this. 

So every December my uncle, (usually my sister but she was out of town), and I go to the work Christmas party. Well this past year a handful of people got drugged, including me. I was completely out of it so my uncle’s friends who were ok to drive, saw what was happening and took both of us home. Apparently when we got home my uncle undressed me into pajamas. I had no bra on at the time. He took my undies, panty hose, and dress off. I fought him so much my aunt heard it upstairs and she didn’t do anything about it. He even broke my necklace trying to grab me. I had bruises all over my arms. I don’t remember any of this I woke up not knowing what happened or why I felt such a huge sense of lost time. Then my aunt laid it out and I felt so violated when she told me he had undressed me. She said I came upstairs crying, screaming, and puking. I have no idea what happened other than what I was told. I’m a 23 year old woman who doesn’t want my body exposed no matter what. Even if he was just undressing me I feel like it’s still super inappropriate. I’m a grown woman with grown anatomy I feel so grossed out that he saw my naked body. He’s touched me before “on accident” so I don’t feel like he was acting out of kindness. He would not have done it if it were my sister or another man. I just feel so violated. 

I’m scared to talk about it with my aunt. She is chronically ill and I don’t want her to start hating him or feel more trapped than she probably already does. I also just don’t want to add any more stress to her life. And she basically knows what happened but I guess she pushed it out of her mind the same way I did. I haven’t been going over there and I really have no desire to visit them anymore. I feel so betrayed. I know they will wonder why I’m not around anymore but I don’t know what to tell them. I plan on going to counseling but I can’t join a program until next week so I just need some validation that I’m not overreacting or help or any kind words because I have no one to talk to about this and I can’t stop thinking about how fucking gross that is for a 70 year old man to take advantage of a little 23 year old girl while she is drugged.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_past
Question 208,"Title: I can't stop thinking about it.

Text: When I was around 10 my girlfriends boyfriend would take advantage of me, he would force me to sit on his lap watch me use the bathroom or get dressed.

He would make me kiss him too because ""it's what family does"" oh and don't get me started about sexually harassed by my ""Friends"" or my step brother forcing himself onto me.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 209,"Title: Am I overreacting?

Text: I have a huge feeling I've been sexually assaulted or harassed in my childhood. I don't have any memories of it, but I also cant remember about 90% of my childhood. I'm 13 too, soo...

I have a few reasons I feel this way, so I'll list a few but there's a lot more, I just don't feel comfortable with sharing.

-I'm asexual and so s3x-repulsed that I kind of have flashbacks? but not as intense as other flashbacks I have (because for those flashbacks I have the memories), it's feeling the emotions I feel whenever i have a flashback, feeling like I'm going to throw up (i feel like I'm going to do that now too), having thoughts like ""no stop"", and a few more that I feel uncomfortable with sharing

-Whenever I'm around a certain uncle I have a ""flashback"" like the one listed above, a strong need to be as far away from him as possible, and a strong fear he's going to touch me.

-when i was being groomed online a few weeks ago things they said i recognized. not from hearing other people's stories, but as if I've heard someone say them to be before. (""my age is just a number"",  ""i want to say something but i know i cant"". also I've had these feelings that something might have happened since before i even knew this person existed)

-I KNOW ive been severely bullied in my childhood. i have some memories of it but i feel like it was so much worse than i remember, so i feel like that applies to this too.

As said above that's all i feel comfortable with sharing. i know this is stupid and I'm probably overreacting but i just cant get over it. I'm probably making things up. sorry. i feel insane.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","childabuse_endangerment_past,sexualharassment_past"
Question 210,"Title: A whole day cleannn

Text: I’ve finally decided I’m REALLY going to quit sh this time, I decided 4 years and scars to last a lifetime is enough for me. I’m a day clean and I have yet to throw away my razors but I might later today. I hope you can all try and quit as well bc I can assure you it’ll be worth it. (also I cut quite deep the other day and flies keep landing on the wound and idk what to dooo)

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_past
Question 211,"Title: Coming to terms with “my story”

Text: Recovering from SH hasn’t been easy, and i only relapsed twice in the seven years I’ve been doing it. 
It was always discreet locations, to avoid questions. My side, stomach and thighs (I used to dress extremely conservative). 
During my second relapse which wasn’t too long ago, but enough for the cut to scar, I cut my wrist. I don’t know why, but it bothered me. 

I always felt a sick sense of pride that I handled my illness and way of coping under everyone’s radar. I was ashamed that I cut my wrist, risking people finding out and thinking it was a cry for help, because it’s the last thing I wanted. 

When I look in the mirror after a shower, I see the pain i endured mentally on a physical level. I’m proud of what I overcame, and I acknowledge what I did. But when I see my wrist, I’m filled with guilt and keep telling myself a detailed story of how my dog did it to me. 
That’s the story I tell friends too. They know about my self harming past, and the relapsing, but I hold to the story of my wrist was my dog. 

Right after the cut, I regretted it. I tried things to made it fade, I covered it up, etc. and though my entire being wants nothing to do with that scar, it’s a part of my story whether i accept it or not. And that has really been eating away at me. No matter how many times I say to my self or others, it was my dog, it will always be what I did. 

I can’t accept it as a part of my history. It’s a piece I want to not exist, and I’ve been struggling with it for some weeks now. 
Every time a stranger looks at my arm, that singular crooked scar, and give me a look, I know they know. Or I know what they think. And I can’t spend my life telling everyone it was my dog, and knowing that other people see me as the person who cut her wrist, it bugs me. 

Sorry for the long vent, I’m just really down and this is why. I’ve been so accepting of my scars and my story, except this part of it.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_past
Question 212,"Title: 13 HOURS CLEAN 🥺🥺💕💕😼

Text: So I’m almost 13 hours clean after ruining my one year streak last night and it’s been HELL. I’ve been so so so tempted but I didn’t :) 

A couple problems tho 

My cut marks from last night are almost gone, which yay short sleeves but I’m such a failure I couldn’t even cut right??? Ughhhhhghh

I feel so pathetic people have it SO much worse than me like my family has enough money to send me to a boarding school and all these amazing things and I cut myself and ruin everything I just constantly fail fail fail I hate myself I destroy things and I tell people horrible things I lie all the time I steal I’m the fucking worst ughhsggshahaham 

Anyway love uuuuuu you’re doing amazing 🥺❤️

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Question 213,"Title: the ""old"" selfharm subreddit.

Text: I wonder if I'm the only one with this, but I'm starting to resent what this subreddit has become. Please hear me out and I'd love to hear you're opinions on it.

Lately I'm coming across a lot of romantisation and glamorosation. The posts are all roughly the same topics and people are making a competition out of selfharm. I'm getting downvoted to hell for explaining why people sometimes accidentally stare at selfharm scars, and the sub generally starts to feel unsafe. I'm not posting this to attack this subreddit, I'm merely posting this cause I really want to hear your guy's opinions on it. I'm getting really sick and tired of how I'm being treated for having different opinions and sometimes people are downright rude to me about that. I generally try to not use any language that could be perceived as rude, but I'm still getting hate for having different opinions. This subreddit used to be very different, and I really wonder why that is.

Again, I don't want to attack anyone, I'm just looking for answers and closure honestly. Have a good day and thank you if you read it all the way through. I'd appreciate your opinions on it

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Question 214,"Title: i noticed my teacher(f) has scars

Text: so at my school we have this new english teacher who is very young, this is her first year teacher. and she is cool, she had scars from having gauges, has tattoos, and a good sense of style.

okay anyways today when she was helping me with something i glanced at her arm for some reason and i noticed scars, really faded ones. i really hope she is clean, and if she is i’m so proud of her. 

i’m making this post so i don’t tell someone who goes to my school because i always have the need to tell people stuff i know, so i had to let this out somewhere. and if anyone in my class ever notices and makes rude comments i will fight them 100% 

(sorry for bad format, on mobile)

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Question 215,"Title: Blood & clothes

Text: Honestly just a small little vent but the frustration that comes when a cut reopens and bleeds thru. At work with blood on my pants not to mention it's KHAKIS so extremely visible. Thankfully just a grocery store, easily played off but damn. Just annoying. Who am I to complain tho? I put it there.

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Question 216,"Title: is anybody else ‘reluctantly’ clean?

Text: im currently 110 days clean and im pretty apathetic about it if im being honest. i don’t find any accomplishment in being clean, personally. it doesn’t make me feel proud, though i like how happy it makes other people. i’m clean because i should be, not because i want to be. and honestly, every day i just miss self harm.

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Question 217,"Title: I get jealous when I see someone with deeper cuts or worse scars than me. I feel like my problems are invalid because I don’t cut that deep. I want to cut deeper and have worse scars to prove that I’m sick too. Anyone else?

Text: Edit: 500 upvotes! That’s insane. Thanks for all the upvotes and replies. :D

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Question 218,"Title: Is this normal?

Text: Yesterday when I cut myself I felt super tired right after. My legs started twitching, I felt nauseous, couldn't breath and had trouble moving then ended up passed out for around a minute then woke up. It wasnt the first time I sh but it was the first time I experienced something like that. I was terrified. Is there a reason for this?

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Question 219,"Title: I think I'm finally free

Text: Last month when I was 5 days clean something just clicked in my head and I was convinced I'm ""over"" self harming. Now, a month and 15 days clean I think it's true. Before this I was atleast doing it for over 5 years, but all of a suddenly its like I grew out of it.


I may miss it, but it's not worth relapsing over and I've been finding other ways to regulate myself. It's been hard regardless, but I feel so free yet so empty, it was a major part of my teenage years and now I'm just sober. In the last 5 years I was never a whole month clean till now.


I feel like the song ""The scientist"" by Coldplay matches what I'm going through right now. I'll drop the lyrics here:


Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry, you don't know how lovely you are. I had to find you, tell you I need you, tell you I set you apart. 


Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions. Oh, let's go back to the start.


Running in circles, coming up tails, heads on a science apart.


Nobody said it was easy, it's such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard. Oh, take me back to the start. 


I was just guessing at numbers and figures, pulling the puzzles apart. Questions of science, science and progress do not speak as loud as my heart. But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me, oh and I rush to the start. Running in circles, chasing our tails, Coming back as we are. 


Nobody said it was easy, it's such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard. I'm going back to the start.


Edit: formating of the lyrics.

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Question 220,"Title: Update to ""Sexual harassed at work and now isolated from coworkers""

Text: Hello again~ 

I wasn't sure what would be the rule for sharing updates on a previous post made whether it'll be editing the post itself or making a new post? I apologize in advance if this is the incorrect step...(please let me know, thank you).

My previous post detailed on reporting a co-worker from work who had made inappropriate/perverse comments to me in front of our co-workers. This post here is to share good news: 

Unbeknownst to me, a co-worker from a different department has made an official complaint against that particular co-worker. We will call the one made the official complaint as Person A and the one that has been reported on as Person B. 

 At one of the incidences, Person B made a suggestive remark and tried to show me a video of who knows what it was about (I walked away from the room stating I don't want to see or hear what it is about and telling him to turn off the phone and put it away) - Person A was there and was very disturbed. This situation occurred last week. 

Today Person A's manager came and asked to talk to me. We went into an office and talked about it to the point I spilled everything to him. Manager of different department was furious and told me he is going to have a big meeting with all managers of the department I'm in and have a huge meeting about this to which it occurred in the later afternoon.

Long story short with key points: (1) this whole incident has been brought up to the higher ups and HR. (2) I and Person A separately/individually talked to the CSO and HR director face to face. (3)  Manager of Person A has offered me a position in his department basically to transfer there that is if I chose to. At this point, I am gradually going into. 

I want to thank you for those who have commented and supported me from the behind the screen lol. I was uplifted and was able to see things in different perspectives. Thank you. 

Please please if anything or anyone has offended/bothered/made you uncomfortable in any sort of matter, speak up and report. I unfortunately had to go through this and the isolation aftermath, but I'm so thankful that something is getting done and an opportunity has risen up. 

Thank you for reading this long update lol.

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Question 221,"Title: Hot Co-worker

Text: Co-worker number 1, says to co-worker 2 (in an online work meeting where co-worker 1 thinks it is just the two of them), “Hey! Did you see the new girl? She is naughty!” 

Co-worker 1 says to co-worker 2, “Bro. Calm down.” Suddenly, both male co-workers realize another female co-worker (not the “naughty” one) is on the work call as well. She gasped at the conversation, but let the comment slide. 

The two male co-workers decided it was immature to discuss a co-worker’s level of attractiveness in online meetings, but resolved to only keep comments between the two of them in the workplace email. 

Questions:  

1. Is it wrong to say someone is hot or naughty directly to the attractive co-worker? What if it is only a discussion between two other colleagues and never to the person they are referring? 


2. Is there a difference between the language or words of saying someone is “hot” or “naughty”? 


3. Should you use company email in this way? If this is the case, does that also mean you shouldn’t say things to the colleague via a work phone or on company time?

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Question 222,"Title: Tinder date

Text: Long story, but I'm going to keep the details to a minimum. 

I basically went over to a guy's place for a tinder date and it was fun for a while, and he even asked for verbal consent to making out. Things progressed, and I could start to tell he was on the aggressive side. After we did everything, he STILL wanted more from me and started pestering me, going from 'I'm willing to give as long as you reciprocate' to 'so you just want to receive but you're 'too tired' to do things in return' to 'you're not much of a giver huh'. In between everything he said, I kept telling him I was tired and I didn't want to. I straight up asked him, 'are you trying to guilt me?' and he denied and tried to make me feel bad for questioning him. I quickly left and haven't returned his efforts to contact me. 

I keep having flashbacks and feel super uncomfortable in my own skin :( Is this sexual harrassment?

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Question 223,"Title: i don't know if this was sexual harassment // TW: minor

Text: (english is not my native language) 

This happened years ago. I (20f now) was at my first party (15f at the time), and I was dancing with this friend I trusted (16m). After a while we went to another area of the venue and kept on dancing and we kissed. He asked me to go against a wall, which I didn't feel like but he insisted so I caved. At some point I started getting anxious and told him I wanted him to stop and he laughed it off which made me more anxious (at the time I didn't know it was anxiety, I just felt really nervous); in the end I had to push him three times really for him to let me go.

Back then I thought him not letting go off me was cute. Hell, I was happy about it, but for the last year or so it has been bugging me, was it harassment? Am I making a big deal out of it? I don't know what to think or feel

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
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Question 224,"Title: is asking for feet pic sexual harrasment?

Text: there is no need to keep reading, what comes now is me just venting 

im currently 16 but when i was either 9 or 11 i remember being asked pictures of my feet and although i was a bit confused as to why they would want them,  i sent some because ever since i was a kid i liked being liked, they psoted it on their account because thats what the account was about. after a while they asked again and when i denied they threatened with telling my friends and family, i got scared and blocked them.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
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Question 225,"Title: Online sexual harrassment..

Text: i had accidently sent an angry text ro a one sided love due to which i spiralled into depression
I couldn't shate this with any friend as i did not want to bother them with my problems so i went on this site called 7 cups of tea.. Where people volunteer as listeners to listen to your problems anonymously
This listener who himself texted me on the site to listen to me venting out how i was unable to forget someone i loved.. Offered to help on call i did not want to sound rude so i called on no. he provided but i had not  expected that i would have to talk on call.. 
He cunningly made me msg him on his wtsap so he got  access to wtsap no. Which was same through a dare that he asked me to play (truth dare game) we ended the call after i had asked him for advice and all that 
He constant started pestering me with msgs and calls told me he would help me with my cair net exam.. 
I also thought ok let it be.. If someone is trying so much so lets be friends
Used to msg me at 1am .. Though i never responded.. Called me one day and said i was cute and all and said was i blushing an all these shitty things.. 
I told him to cut the call.. Confronted him later and asked him why he was flirting when we are just talking as friends.. He tried to convince me that i was thinking too much... I also got blinded 
Then he asked me to play truth dare again.. And i have no idea to play that game neither i had any interest 
In one dare i told him to hug someone dear to him and say i love you to that dear one
I dont know i just  thought he should hug a family member and that was it... I didnt even think much about it
But he called and wanted me to hug a pillow and imagine that pillow to be him and he said i love you.. 
He told me he thought that i ws asking him to say i love you to me.. Which is completely wrong i did not intend that.. 
Then one day he texted and told me there is some problem in his family.. His uncle has had an accident.. So that is why he was unable to msg me and told me he was very sorry.. There was no need to be sorry at all.. It all sounded to weird.. But thinking ot was a serious matter i only asked him about his uncle's health.. He texted me then at 1 am at night i was shocked why would a person msg me at this time i told him to go to sleep as it was too late.. 
Next day i was feeling guilty that i had snubbed him like that when there was some problem going on in his family
So i texted him asking about his uncle's health and if he had come out of come 
.. He replied  one word.. So i thought he might be upset about me snubbing him the last day... So i decided to call he didnt pick and texted 'can't talk'
He then msgd again and then asked me to give him a hug.. And when i told him ok only as a human he told me to come close and give tight hug over a m text.. I was shocked 
He then pleaded me to call him.. I dod and eventually he started asking me if i masturbate , get wet could i kiss him hug him, my figure size and what i was wearing inside 
So many horrible things 
I could not understand why would someone who came himself in my life told me he will help me to crack my exam could do such a thing to me
I blocked him but i could not bera the fact that i was harrassed sexually by someone i thought was a good person
I felt guilty after sendi d the confrontational msg which was harsh.. But i had to do it for my peace of mind
Due to this guilt i even said a thank you to him when he msg me on my birthday .. 
But i didnt respond to him other than taht
He again contacted and told me i was dumb to not know that he did all that just to see if i could speak against all that.. Told me i could've cut the call
He was not sorry but wanted me to believe that i was the reson for my own pain.. 
So i with forgiveness in me.. I kind of forgave him told him ok he has explained himself 
Told him not to msg me uselessly
But he did msg again i told him he does not need to bother about my wellbeing
I asked him about his uncle he told me he was no more.. 
The again he texted again few days later at night to which i did not reply and that was the end of this miserable experience in my life 
That person is happy but i dont know why they did all that to me what wrong had i done to him.. To have been harrassed like that to even have a memory like that

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Question 226,"Title: Can't die yet. Gotta wait for my Amazon package.

Text: I've spent the last month or so thinking about being dead. But of course I couldn't just up and die. Christmas was around the corner, and I had so much shit to wrap, so many appetizers and cookies to make. Plus dying before Christmas is kinda rude. Death doesn't make for good dinner conversation. So I didn't die.

And now it's after Christmas, but I still can't die. I have an Amazon order for my stepdad's retirement dinner. It's just a $8 coffee mug, but I have to wait for it to arrive so I can fill it with jelly beans and give it to him this weekend.

Then the weekend after that is my brother's 21 birthday. Sure as fuck can't die before that. What a shitty way to spend your 21st birthday. And the weekend AFTER THAT my other brother and sister (the twins) are turning 18. I planned on making my sister some cute jewelry, so I still really don't have time to die if I actually intend on getting that made.

And then it'll be my birthday. The big 3-0.
Thirty years of being, well, me.
Thirty years of waking up each morning, stumbling through the menial tasks of living, the mundane gruntwork of keeping body and soul together, of maintaining healthy relationships, of planning for the future, of eating, breathing, shitting, and going to sleep each night.
Thirty years of fuck-all. 

But I can't die today. I have to pick up orange juice and bread from the store after work. There's still laundry to do. The dishes are still soaking in the sink. And my Amazon package hasn't arrived yet.


EDIT: Y'all have been wildly supportive, and I just want to say that I'm grateful for all of the people in this sub who are willing and able to be vulnerable about their mental states. It often feels like drowning in deep water, and I'm glad that everyone here today is still fighting the undertow. Keep treading. Grab onto any lifeline you can find. Even if it's just orange juice and an Amazon delivery.

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Question 227,"Title: What do I need to do before I hang myself?

Text: Here’s a list I’ve thought of so far. I’ll get it done and hang myself as soon as I can get ~40 minutes alone, probably this weekend. On mobile, sorry if it formats weird

-clean room

-write the notes

-do I need a will? I have a couple thousand because I’ve been working and I’m 18 so maybe?

-delete my social accounts or at least make sure there’s no weird stuff on em

-clear history lol

anything I’m missing?

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Question 228,"Title: how do I get better

Text: i'm tired. when will I feel happy and normal. how do you get better? I dont want to live like this anymore

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
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Question 229,"Title: i almost killed myself

Text: but i didn’t. 

yay? i guess?

i almost drove off the cliff. i was so close to doing it. but i sat in my car and i screamed, 

“JUST GO HOME. JUST GO HOME. JUST GO HOME. JUST GO HOME.”

until i made it home. and then i sat in my driveway and sobbed.

when i went inside, i broke down in front of my roommates and had a severe panic attack and my roommate just rubbed my back and helped me breath.

the next day, my best friend took me out to eat. i told her i almost did it. and she said “i could tell a few days before that you were off. and i didn’t say anything. i’m sorry, i should have. i didn’t want you to feel like i was smothering you.” 

but it just meant a lot that she noticed and that i could talk to her about it. 

i have a great support system, but i’m just living with this mental illness. it hurts. my life is so good, but i’m just sick.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
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Question 230,"Title: Any medicine to cause a painless death? Names please?

Text: I’m tired.

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Question 231,"Title: College is stupid and it makes me want to die even more

Text: I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with my school in particular. They never even showed me how to schedule an advisor meeting. I started out with 4 classes and had to drop two of them because I was failing (both grades below 50%) and these profs couldn’t teach if you put a gun to their heads. 

Now I have this whole English research paper to write on some bullshit topic I chose and we have to “collaborate” and “brainstorm” in class with people who are writing COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PAPERS. It’s fucking stupid. They’re not sharing my grade why should I have to ask for their help?? I keep skipping class cause I don’t want to go through that bullshit even if my grade suffers.

I think I’d be happier dropping out, living with my parents, and just working two jobs so I can focus on my side hustle. It’s just hard when my parents are immigrants and they keep telling me I’m wasting the opportunity they gave me. 

I don’t know. I just know I can’t take this shit anymore.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
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Question 232,"Title: i think imma kms on my birthday

Text: i turn 19 in less than 3 weeks if i kms on my birthday it’ll be to mock everyone fuck them bitches

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
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Question 233,"Title: Will I EVER commit suicide? Probably not. Do I think about doing it? Every. Single. Day.

Text: I don't know if I could ever bring myself to do it. There has been attempts before in the past, but never too serious to the point where I needed to be hospitalized. Once saw a post that said, ""Can I have a 30 day free trial of being dead?"" Never related to something so much in my damn life. Let me be an accident, not to the point where I die, but maybe in a coma for a while. Just to escape. 

I'm the friend that no ones wants to hang out with. I don't have anybody. I made a bad reputation for myself in high school and college (mainly just rumor-based) and I never bounced back from it because of my anxiety. I don't know who I am. I don't know what love is. Being suicidal is the only feeling I truly and wholeheartedly know, which is both comforting and petrifying at the same time. 

Lord forgive me, I'm going to need it. 

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
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Question 234,"Title: I’m still here, but I’m not sure if I want to be.

Text: I constantly tell my therapist and psychiatrist that i’m not going to kill myself and that I don’t think i’ll ever be able to do it, now i’m questioning if that’s actually true or if i’m scared they will think poorly of me. I understand that their jobs consist of helping people who have these thoughts and help them get onto the right path but jesus christ, I am starting to think I don’t want to admit to myself that I wish to die. The idea of death is scary to me, the action of dying to be exact. The after part, whatever that may be, doesn’t scare me as much. If i’m being honest, I just don’t think I am cut out for life. It’s difficult, it’s painful, and it’s always been that way. I’ve been told countless times, “it’ll get better” or “don’t think so negatively” and my god does that piss me off. I don’t like being told that I can’t think this way. This feeling, whatever you want to call it, has always been with me for as long as I can remember. I tell my therapist that I just want to disappear as opposed of saying “I want to die” because I don’t want to be thrown into an institution or a ward. I don’t like people worrying about me. I don’t like it when my friends tell me they are worried about me. I don’t like it when my parents are worried about me. I don’t like it when I am catching myself lying to my psychiatrist and therapist about how I truly feel. I see my psychiatrist next monday and I am debating if I should tell him this or not.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 235,"Title: My future seems hopeless and I don't see much of a point in continuing

Text: I got a smorgasbord of mental illnesses from my parents, I can't manage them, I can't afford to manage them. This is just going to be a never ending cycle for the rest of my life. I'll never fit in with people, which doesn't sound like a big deal, until it's been over a year since you've been invited anywhere because you're that weird person, despite how hard you've tried. I'm going to be stuck struggling for the rest of my life by myself. Literally the only reason I stay is for my siblings. And even now watching them I can't help but feel they don't need me. A bullet to the head would be fast, I've tasted and felt it in my dreams already so it doesn't seem very scary anymore.

I'm sorry I just needed somewhere to rant this out

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
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Question 236,"Title: I got beat again

Text: While I (23 F) was trying to calm my bf (29 M) down, he threw a beer bottle at my face. I splashed vodka on him and went to another room to change. He beat the door until there was holes in it. I left the room when it got quiet to go talk things through with him and he just kept slapping me over and over and broke another door by pushing me through it. Eventually he choked me and shoved his finger down my throat so I bit it. Then he tried to gouge my eyes out and choked me more.

We slept in the same bed that night and he woke up in the morning pretending everything was fine. I'm bruised like crazy and I was supposed to go to the beach with my family tomorrow now I cant.

We've been together for over 2 years. We live together alone in a city far away from any friends or family. I've been financially supporting him since we moved here.

I tried to kill myself the other day but he called the cops on me. I have ptsd involving police and he knows that.

I just wanted to vent and maybe get some emotional support as I'm too embarrassed to tell my friends and family. 

Anyone wanna talk?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
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Question 237,"Title: I blame myself

Text: I had the love of my life and I ruined our relationship over time some of you will find the absolute love of your lives but also a portion of us won’t end up staying with our soulmates and I 100% believe that the love of my life I pushed away because of my self destructive behavior and mental illness the amount of self loathing I have for myself and my image the stagnation of my daily life she just couldn’t keep up I never knew what “love” was before her I had no parents all my family has passed away so before her I had no experience in a healthy relationship I was used to people using me and I thought that was normal I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I can’t stop self destructing even when I don’t want too I self harm because it feels good it’s one of the only things that I can count on that won’t disappoint me I live in filth I eat once. Maybe every 2 days I’m skin and bones and what I do eat I throw back up I wanna carve my skin out my skin disgusts me my face and my self image I just wanna discard it I hate myself I don’t know how to love myself and I want to be loved by someone but how can someone love me if I can hardly even look at myself in the mirror

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
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Question 238,"Title: here I am again

Text: so here I am again staring at the blood just wanting everything to go away. it doesn't matter how much pressure I put on the knife my skin barely cuts. I cut with the intention of dying but it never works , it never goes deep. Bleed yes but not much. 

This is my 2nd mental breakdown in 2 weeks . I reached out for help to be told it was too soon for them ( let's talk NHS UK) to offer me any help and to contact them again in a month if I still feel like this. I feel like it's pointless to reach out again for help as I feel like I'll just be told the same thing. 

Today I had a mental breakdown again with strong suicidal thoughts , I was sat in my room just cutting my skin like it was a piece of fruit but like I said , it wasn't enough my skin is too tough. I feel let down by NHS , like there is no help out there for me, I feel like I'm never going to get better. 

Private help isn't an option , I don't make enough money for that. 
I saw a post online from NHS and the thing that disheartened me the most was this line 'the earlier you seek help , the quicker things can change'... yet they're telling me it's too soon for them to help me. I was open and honest and told them about my suicidal thoughts , my self harming, but because at the time of talking to them on the phone I didn't have suicidal thoughts , I wasn't deemed eligible for help. 

I'm at a loss of what to do , I've lost hope , I don't see the point in living, I get really strong thoughts of ending it and I'm just scared .

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","suicideideation_active_ongoing,suicideideation_passive_ongoing"
Question 239,"Title: im clean because my little sister has suicidal ideations.

Text: i feel so awful. the most awful i’ve ever felt in my entire life but i cant show it. i want to cut so bad but i cant because im scared it might make her feel worse if she catches on that i relapsed. i wanna cry but im holding back my tears. im so sad but i have to keep smiling. i wanna die but if i do i know she will too. i cant do this anymore. its all my fault. i should’ve tried harder. i feel so hopeless. i dont know what to do anymore.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","selfharm_ongoing,suicideideation_passive_ongoing"
Question 240,"Title: “Those cuts are superficial”

Text: F u to anyone who says that. They have no clue the distress I go through, and I could have cuts all over me but if they aren’t deep enough then I get treated like a clown, attention seeker etc.

Edit: I should add that I’m also confused as to why attention seeking is considered a bad thing. Like I’m sorry but in my experience, having a mind which is constantly torturing my soul creating a 24/7 conflict between my psyche and survival instinct WARRANTS attention. (My self harm is always accompanied with suicidal ideation - I’m aware this isn’t the case for everyone)

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","selfharm_ongoing,suicideideation_passive_ongoing"
Question 241,"Title: Abusive guys, they aren't like that.

Text: This evolved into something much longer than intended.   Man, I wish I had known about this subreddit years ago.

&#x200B;

At 19, I met and fell in love with an amazing man.  He was my at-the-time boyfriend's best friend and married so I relegated myself to wonderous fantasies.

Lo and behold, almost a decade later, we run into each other and we're both single!  (We'd kept in very light touch over the years via social media but never completely lost contact.)

It was beautiful!

We started dating and then he immediately beat me into submission, mentally, emotionally, and physically, took away all my privileges and rights, and it's really my own fault.  I just cowered for years and I could have left at any time.  That's how it was and that is my fault.

Except...except it wasn't.

Abusive guys, they aren't like that.

See, it really was beautiful.  We were happy and life was good.  He had 2 kids from his marriage, I had a kid, we were a happy little Brady bunch.  We got married and it was wonderful.

(I feel I should point out that I consider myself an eternal optimist.  Somehow, someway, I can ALWAYS find the silver lining, that gleam of hope that whispers of brighter promises.)

So that case of beer that he drank...in one night...3 to 5 times a week?  It was cheap beer and he worked hard; he needed to take the edge off and, anyways, he just wanted it, he didn't need it.  We could afford it and it helped him relax, especially when we were in social settings - he was the absolute life of the party!

The beer(s) that he would chug in the less than hour break before he went to his second job (that I drove him to because he didn't have a license because of multiple drunk driving convictions)?  Ah, the cops were dicks, he had just had one beer right before he got in the car, and anyways, he needed to blow off steam before his next job - totally reasonable!

The rage-quitting video games, the screaming at all hours of the day and night (regardless of if other people, like the kids, were trying to sleep), and that one time that he blew part of rent money to buy the $200 pre-release, super special, I'm-A-Big-Boy-Now version of his game?  Oh, man, I'm a gamer too, I get it!  I mean...I never bought myself a pre-release or special edition of anything - but he got me the special edition re-release of a game that I already had as well as the fancy guide!  My brand new console that I wanted so badly, I got a used one many months after he got his brand new console, and that's fine because the bugs have been worked out and I don't have much time for games anymore anyway.

You can't cook anything but you're amazing on the grill?  That's fine, I'll cook something for dinner 3-5 nights a week before I go to work 2 pm until 11 pm - and I'll make sure to drop lunch off for you every day, even if it's just a hot pocket!  And I TOTALLY understand you don't feel like grilling after you've worked for part of the day!

Oh, and he has such a big heart - he told his ex-wife he loved her on his birthday AFTER we got engaged!  How sweet!  Oh, and when he threw the chair in a fit of rage over...either someone misunderstood what he was trying to say or his football team hadn't done well, I don't remember which it was?  Well, that's ok, it was in the yard, he was drunk, and he didn't hurt anyone, after all - he was just venting his emotions.

He's a real emotional and sensitive guy, ya know.

Abusive guys, they aren't like that.

Did I mention charisma?  It oozed out of every pore - everyone either liked him or loved him!  He was an alpha male, after all - he was sure tell everyone that!  And he was an asshole, hahahaha, but he kept it real and that's what you just loved about him!

Abusive guys, they aren't like that.

He wasn't jealous or insecure!  Not in the slightest.  I, on the other hand, was horribly insecure.  Obviously, I was only wearing make-up and dresses for attention and outshine the ""females"" (his words) around him because I was so insecure, isn't that precious!  I'm such a silly goose!

Abusive guys, they aren't like that.

In fact, he was so secure in himself and us that we tried to have an open relationship!  Our rules were pretty simple: he had to approve male choices, I had to approve female choices BUT we got to choose prospective thirds of the opposite sex; no means no; and we had to know what was going on.  We only ever messed around with one guy and, even though he said yes, I should have known he wasn't ok with it - silly me, we didn't have a condom!!!  We messed around with dozens of women, but that's ok because I'm kind of bi anyways, right, and condoms don't fit him right and besides, he's snipped.  Oh, and that time I said no?  Well, that was invalidated because I didn't try harder to stop them - I just can't seem to get anything right?  What would I do without him?

Abusive guys, they aren't like that.

The hole in the drywall that is suspiciously shaped like me?  I tripped over the cat.He definitely didn't not throw me down the hall when I tried to get past him to the only doors leading out of the house.

The black eye?  The first one or the second one?Lol, so I fell into a doorknob, hahaha, only me!  Oh, and I slipped in the kitchen and pulled the dish rack onto myself!  I'm such a klutz - hell it's one of my nicknames.He definitely didn't punch me or throw things at me.

The concussion?  I tripped over the laundry basket and, as I was falling, I was so drunk I didn't put my arms out to catch myself and managed to slam my forehead into the corner of the bed frame! Clumsy AND drunk, not a good combo! ;)I definitely don't have permanent (well, it's been 7 years any way) memory loss from that incident.  The contusions to occipital lobe of my skull line up with his story of me falling forward into the bedframe.  And my friend in the living room made up hearing me scream get your fucking hands off of me before he came out and asked someone to call 911.

The scar inside my cheek that hasn't gone away after 6 years that, when fresh, had the entire side of my face swollen?  I got the drunk munchies on vacation and chewed my mouth instead of my food!  Silly girl!Definitely not from being punched while cowering on the ground after being thrown there...definitely did not hide in the shower while he stood in the door, bellowing at me at 2 am in a bed and breakfast - all this after I definitely did not pull you off of the homeless man that helped me get you to the B&B because you were too drunk to walk.  I did not sleep with my head off the bed over a trash can because my cheek wouldn't stop bleeding for hours.  I also did not wake up the next morning and clean MY blood off of the bed, the floor, the walls, the sink, the shower, and the door and I did not strip the bed and all the linens with my blood and put them in a bag so the maid wouldn't have to touch my not-blood.  Oh, and thank goodness that wasn't our anniversary trip.

He's always got a good joke or a hilarious anecdote.  He's quick to flash a warm, crooked smile that makes you feel like a million bucks!  He's a great listener and dads love him.

Abusive guys, they aren't like that.

&#x200B;

ETA: This relationship is several years buried - it took a year of saving money but I got out.  I have since moved on and my child and I are in a better, healthier place!

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_past
Question 242,"Title: Need advice: cannot contact my friend. Fear she went back again

Text: My friend called me up last Sunday asking me to get her out of that place. We went to a hotel after grabbing a few of her important items. I saw some of her bruises. She said it was worse a few days before (but didn't take pictures).

By the time this week rolls around, she not only loses her job but  her abuser starts blocking numbers. She was scared and in a very dark place. I could hear it the last time I spoke to her.

She's not in the hotel anymore. And I can't contact her now. I'm really scared. I want to believe she didn't go back and went anywhere else, but I know wishful thinking when I hear it.

Please help.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 243,"Title: No justice I don’t know where to turn

Text: Hi all! I finally left my abuser in August, I stayed hoping therapy would help him since he has mental illness, he refused to take his antipsychotics and I called 911 on April 13 2022 for the first time, I wanted him baker acted and they said they couldn’t do that bc he fled the scene. I was scared and didn’t press charges however I told the police about the abuse that night and I had blood and injuries. I obtained a copy of the officers report. It stated I denied physical abuse and they said it was a verbal altercation. 

After that day bc I called I began being abused bc I called and it escalated to a every other week occurrence. My husband hit me, kicked me, choked me, and tried to push me out of a moving vehicle. I did not report any of this until I filed a restraining order and filed for divorce. The detective said he will not be taking him to jail as I did not call at the time of the incident. I sent proof of pictures and videos of all the abuse wounds and the one for the day the officer lied on the report after talking on the pho e to my husband.  He’s getting away with all of it and already has a new gf and expensive apartment. We are being evicted and I have no money, there’s no public funding here and I feel that the victims sometimes get punished while the abusers walk. Is this legal. They said the officer denies seeing anything but there were three and only one wrote the report. The detective said he cannot obtain the other officers names to ask if they remember my injuries and if the officer failed as a mandated reporter

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_past
Question 244,"Title: Airsoft gun used as punishment?

Text: What would you do, or recommend a friend of yours do, if they just found out someone is ‘punishing’ their 13 year old daughter by shooting her with an air soft gun in addition to using the threat of being shot with it as a fear tactic to get her to complete chores?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 245,"Title: Addicted to the abuse?

Text: It sounded crazy to me at first. I think that us long haulers that suffer years of abuse somehow become addicted to the abuse. I know for myself I leave and return..leave and return. When I am away fron him my anxiety and depression are crippling. I constantly worry and look over my should wondering if he will be waiting by my car ready to spring out and shoot me. I never experience this relief that I hear so many talk about. Or this huge boost of self love. I just feel..well I feel more miserable. Do you think that we get programmed to function in these high stress scenarios that when we are away from them we feel lost? Maybe we are addicted to the pain like a drug and we are not in love like we think. We do not miss the abuser but the abuse? I know this may rub some the wrong way but I am trying to come at my problem and issues from every direction hoping I will find me again. If I have offended please forgive me and share your opinion please.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 246,"Title: I've been free for 2 weeks.

Text: I am exhausted. But I am safe. I have nothing left and I am so angry. I lost my job, my friends, my home my independence to be able to even go to the grocery store. My beautiful dog who I would do anything to have back with me. I have less than $200. I now have no doctor to prescribe my medication due to how awful the timing has been. I ended up in the emergency room from the stress of the situation causing a severe physical reaction. I finally need to block him, and I've lost all hope for my poor dog. Ive been told to mourn him like he has passed away. There's nothing positive and I'm tired of having panic attacks multiple times a day. I cant sleep and I can hardly eat. My ID expired 2 days before I left so I can't even pick up another 6 pack when I get a ride. I am afraid of him showing up to where I am staying. Last time I tried to leave he and his father did becouse I took my dog, knowing it would be better for both my dog and I to get away. I don't have him this time but I still feel afraid and alert all the time knowing they could show up. They're unpredictable. I am tired of feeling afraid and stuck. I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this post. I just need some hope I guess.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 247,"Title: I told some family about my stepdad's abusive nature, am I in the wrong?

Text: Hi. I (17F) live with my mother, stepfather, and 6 younger siblings. Since the oldest of my siblings was born, I started noticing that my stepfather had an extremely short temper and would resort to throwing things, pushing my mom, and yelling in our faces. Ten years later, it only has gotten worse. Today was my breaking point when he tried pushing me down the stairs when I went to see what the loud noises upstairs were. I told my aunt, grandparents, and great grandmother. When my mom found out, she got mad at me saying it wasn't my place and I shouldn't be bringing other people into our business. Everyone else is saying I did the right thing. I'm now very conflicted, should I have told my other family?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",childabuse_endangerment_ongoing
Question 248,"Title: I'm the guy who's Black Belt ex-girlfriend attacked him with a frying pan earlier this year. 🍳 (UPDATE)

Text: Original Post: https://www.removeddit.com/r/FuckYouKaren/comments/gli84x/my_ex_gf_named_karen_who_is_a_black_belt_in/

First I would like to state that I am an African American male and I was raised by my single mother who after years of abuse, finally decided to leave my pos father. I know that female to male DV is a much less serious issue in our country that male to female. It does however happen. This is my story of using my mother's strength to stand my ground and overcome many things stacked against me in this category of court and community.

After the incident, I made that last Reddit post which hit the front of r/All before several people suggested deleting it due to legal ramifications (they were right btw), I was visited by a local sheriff serving ME a domestic violence restraining order from her. I was very confused seeing as how she was the one arrested for felony assault.

I called the DA in the county the incident took place and they informed me that they decided not to file charges against her, despite the clear witness testimony from her own best friend of 10+ years, as well as the testimony from the neighbor across the street who also witnessed the assault.

She then filed the RO against me for the DV incident (of which she was arrested) under the pretense of ""Online Harassment"" after the fact (again, you guys were right). I had to miss work 3 separate times to travel 3 hours to a different county to fight her RO against me.

Finally in the hearing, the judge determined that she was in fact the aggressor, and denied her RO against me as a few social media posts is not cause enough to file a permanent restraining order against the victim of the assault. Go figure.

Now it was my turn to file the actual restraining order that should have been filed in the first place. We finished court yesterday morning with the judge also stating that he believed her to be the aggressor, and granted the permanent RO against her. I have no restrictions and am now allowed to say whatever I want about the incident.

What blew my mind through all of this was her absolute confidence at every step. That every court, judge, cop, friend, etc. would just automatically believe her and condemn me. She showed up to each hearing walking into the waiting room laughing and joking with whatever friend she decided to show up with. I showed up in a suit and tie out of respect for the court and she literally showed up with a cut-off plaid shirt and capri jeans with converse. At the hearing for her RO against me the judge kicked her friend out of the courtroom for misconduct because he started getting belligerent when the judge denied her RO.

My lawyer will also be pursuing the DA in the original county to re-look at the case and re-consider pressing felony charges. She lied on the stand today claiming under oath that she had no prior history of domestic violence, then my lawyer pulled up a domestic violence charge that she said she ""forgot"" about. Whoops.

I was able to defeat my abuser today and I just wanted to share to give hope to others dealing with people who see themselves as nothing but victims when they are in fact the bullies. I hope that all victims of domestic violence will one day be able to experience this feeling of victory and liberation.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_past
Question 249,"Title: well fuck

Text: I just told my mom I've been self harming and she blew up. she screamed had me call my dad to have him scream at me and she didn't forget to call all her friends and post on Facebook how selfish and fucked up I am... This is why I never tell her anything but she says I can tell her anything

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 250,"Title: Just this one thing my dad did, it doesn't even matter

Text: PLEASE REPLY

When I was 10 or 11 I got a pair of heels. I put them on and my dad told me to walk in a specific way. I was a little confused, but I did it. My mom told me not to do that as it is inappropriate.

Also my dad used to watch things that sexualized women at lot right in front of me.

I mean none of this matters, and I'm fine. He doesn't mean any harm. It is just I'm 15f now and it started to bother me.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",childabuse_endangerment_past
Question 251,"Title: They say, ""Money doesn't buy happiness,"" but it's extremely hard to stay happy when you're broke.

Text: Just for context: my job closed down thanks to Covid. I've got a kid, bills, food I need to buy, medicines I need to pick up. Every day, it feels like there's something new going on. I haven't even bought a single Christmas present for my child because I can't afford it, and soon, if I don't find a way to get help, I won't be able to afford essentials, either. 

I feel like I am drowning, my throat closing constantly from stress, depression, and anxiety. The only reason I wake up anymore is for my kid. I just want things to be normal again. I can't survive like this much longer.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 252,"Title: Panic Paralysis?

Text: So I can’t find anything on the internet and it’s hard to explain so I was hoping to get something here. So I’ve been pretty stressed out today. I almost had a panic attack while out and about doing shopping cause I was getting overwhelmed. My girlfriend was arguing with me aswell so that wasn’t helping. On the way home, I was in such a depressive slump. Kinda like I was numb but so depressed at the same time. Got home, laid in bed and although my girlfriend was trying to care for me, she sounded pretty annoyed (neat little issue she has) and it was making me feel worse and I told her I just wanted a hug but she said she had her own stuff going on. Which is fine. Gotta help yourself before you can help someone else. Her birds were being loud and I ended up getting up and pacing my room, holding my face, my hair etc. so, I ended up feeling something. I was getting a little light headed and my chest started feeling weird. Usually this means panic attack but I usually get tingly arms and face when that happens. So i lay on the ground anyways and overtime, I started not being able to move. So I panic. I burst into tears and she finally comes over and I manage to hold her hand. I kept trying to move but I could only kick my leg up and down a little. I was terrified. After what felt like a few minutes, I felt like I could breathe properly so I took a deep breath in and I could actually move again. I felt incredibly drained though. Does anyone know what this is? Thank you and sorry for the massive story!

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 253,"Title: I (M22) feel like I'll never attract anyone

Text: Hi everyone! Like most people here, I need to vent.

I'm writing this post because there is this girl in my class. As we discussed and we started to know more about each other, I learnt that we shared common values, beliefs and ways of life. I started developing feelings for her, talking to her more often and giving her a gift for her birthday. But today as we went out with my class, I discovered that she had a boyfriend.
I'm kind of crushed, not because she has a boyfriend (I'm actually happy for her if everything goes well), but because I had started imagining things that will never happen.

I'm still happy for having met her, because I know I can develop a valuable friendship with her, with no ambiguities whatsoever, and there are not much actions that I would have done differently if I already knew she had a boyfriend.

I'm also happy with myself and with the life I'm living. I'm studying, I have a thrilling professional life, I have good friends, but sometimes it still feels like there's something missing.

I'm 22 and never had any love relationship whatsoever. It goes without saying that I'm still a virgin. It feels like I'll never be able to find ""the one"" and this thought is growing as time passes. Either I get rejected or girls I'm interested in have already found someone much better than me.

I'm not excepting much reaction from this post, but still knowing if some people have already been in the same situation and managed to turn things around would be great.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 254,"Title: Looking for friends (21M)

Text: So I just have 1 friend in real life so it's hard for me to not feel lonely.

I'm just looking for people who I can share my thoughts with, send memes to and funny snap messages and have genuine and intresting conversations with and if so play some videogames with aswell ( history related topics are bonus points although I don't really matter that much and am willing to learn new things )


Looking for people in the age category of 18 to 23 ( if there are people that age around here )

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 255,"Title: I admire people that can actually do it

Text: i’m too scared or rather just don’t know how

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 256,"Title: i'm so desperate to talk to somebody

Text: none of my friends ever text me back. i lost my best friend not too long ago. there came to a point where my loneliness became boring. i'm so desperate for a friend.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 257,"Title: I ruined my own life

Text: It’s no ones fault but my own. I pushed people away and now I have no friends, I don’t even know how to socialize anymore. I’m too anxious to even try and make friends. But at the same time I don’t want any friends. I like being a loner. But I know that I’m never gonna be happy because there’s no one to love me and I certainly don’t love myself. I don’t even know where it went wrong years back, but I wish I could beat the fuck out of my younger self for socially withdrawing myself because I’ll never recover.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 258,"Title: My anxiety is making me sick is this a sign of something?

Text: My anxiety makes me wanna vomit, my stomach constantly drops and for the past 2 months I've been nauseous almost everyday. I have had a preminsion that came true about a week after the premonition. I didn't predict anything but I could tell something bad was about to happen and it did. Is this anxiety a sign? Or am I turning into a paranoid person?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 259,"Title: I fell like a monster.

Text: I suppose that many have gone through this, especially here, and that is why I assume that it is not something rare.

But I think it's not unimportant anyway, it's painful.

I feel that... I am a disgusting alien that people do not take into account at all, that does not attract anyone, that has never been loved more than by his close family.

It's been a strange life, even among my own family I was seen as a weirdo who spoke very little. But honestly, it was not something that mattered to me at all, at least until recently.

And now, every day I feel that my sentimental and carnal needs devour me from the inside. Day after day with more intensity. I have come to think that maybe, just maybe, if I could at least satisfy the carnal, I would feel better, and what would I do to achieve it? Probably hire a escort. 

But I never did, and I never will, because it violates my moral values, and I don't mean to betray myself in that way.

If we talk about the emotional, I have tried to be a little more social, trying my best to achieve it. But every conversation gets weird, every interaction ends with people thinking I'm weird and them trying to avoid me. I know that it is something that does not change overnight, but I feel that little by little I am losing hope.

I don't know how to stop being who I am, because I know that I am the problem that has me so horribly alone. And I feel like I'm going crazy because of it, I can't understand how people's minds work, how to attract them, how to be interesting to them.

In my poor ability, I started using dating apps, as I need love, and it is my best option being as lonely as I am. One day, someone told me that if I wanted to improve my chances of getting someone else's attention, I had to put good descriptions (which I've tried to do), and that I had to put pictures of myself where I did interesting things, like my hobbies, pictures of places I have visited that are interesting or just images of hanging out with my friends at a party or something.

I only have one or two photos of my hobbies. I think it's pretty obvious because I don't have any of the rest. I just don't like going out and I have 2 friends.

How do I escape this cycle of madness? How do I stop being me to fit in with others? How can I get that love that I yearn for so much? Am I just not meant to be a good human being?

Please help me.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 260,"Title: am i allowed to uae discord or text if i admit myself into a mental hospital or am i supposed to just further isolate myself from my only source of communication w my friends and feel even worse

Text: Why cant i be allowed to talk to my fucking friends for a week? That will literally make things worse for me because im already fucking isolated.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 261,"Title: I SEE YOU

Text: For all the little girls out there that have been hurt by bad men. I see you. I see your broken hearts and I see your tear stained pillows. I see your confusion and your struggle to find your worth. I see your fear and distrust. I see you. I see you just as clearly as I see myself 11 years ago. Crumpled on my bedroom floor the same way my clothes from that night stayed crumpled in the corner until I threw them away. I see you the way I still see the broken little girl that had to pick grass and sticks out of her hair that came from her own front yard. I see you the way I see the little girl that closed her eyes and hoped with everything in her that someone would come through her front door and stop what was happening. I see you the way I see the little girl that had to pass him in the halls at school and fight to keep her books in her arms despite how badly she was trembling. I see you. And no matter how many evil men walk free. No matter how many laws are placed in blatant disregard for your well being. No matter how many people see you as nothing more than a statistic. I will fight for you. I will fight for you like I would if I could go back and fight for myself. Because you did not deserve what was done to you. You are worth so much more. You are beautiful. You are valuable. And you are not forgotten. I SEE YOU.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_past
Question 262,"Title: I (16F) have been sexually assaulted 3 times.

Text: I (16F) have been raped twice and sexually assaulted once (from what i remember) and i feel like my life is a cruel joke. 

When i was 8 i remember my cousins (6M and 7M at the time) came over from another country to visit and slept over for around a week. The youngest would always be really affectionate towards me and have literal breakdowns when i would show his older brother more attention than him. He would hold my hand whenever in public and try kissing me on the mouth frequently. Sometimes I think oh he was young maybe he didnt know what he was doing but at the same time we were all pretty mature for our ages (knowing about sex and stuff like that). Well long story short one night we were all sleeping in a make belive fort in the living room and he mustve moved closer to me while i was trying to sleep. I thought nothing of it until he started whispering things like ""hey wake up"" ""i cant wait any longer wake up"". He would do this for a few minutes until he got tired of me not responding and began to pull my trousers down. At this point i froze and thought if i pretended to be asleep maybe he would stop. He then obviously had sex (or a bad re creation of sex) with me until he was tired (obviously cause you cant come at 6 years old). The next morning we both pretended nothing happened. As i grew up i convinced myself it was a miscommunication and wasnt rape because i was older but 9 years later he came over to my house where i was alone and tried it again. He tried to convinve me to ""recreate olden times"" and kind of battled me onto the bed. I froze again. 


I had this best friend (16F) who i had pratically been through all of secondary school with. We coild never leave eachother alone. It was strictly platonic minus some innocent flirting here and there. We would talk to eachother about everything and i mean ANYTHING. One of the things we would talk about was kinks. She said one of her main ones was CNC and i thought nothing of it. When we were both in Year 10 (14years old) we would stay over at her house and just chill and talk. It was fun ofc it was she was basically my sister. One of the days i was at her house she mustve been feeling aroused or something because the flirting was to a different extreme. I thought it was her trying to get her sexual energy out on me as humour but then she started touching me. At first i tried to see if i would enjoy it but i quickly realised i didnt. I told her no, begged her to stop, pushed her hand away repeatedly until she physically pinned me to her bed and put her weight on top of me. She had a few pinds on me so i couldnt move at all. She penetrated me with her fingers and the more i resisted the more she would enjoy it. All i could do was sit there and take it. I didnt realise it was rape until a year later when i was falling asleep and she kissed me. It sent everything coming right back so later that day i asked her if she remebered what happened a year ago and if she remembered me saying no. She replied ""oh shit did i assault you?"". 

I dont enjoy my body anymore and i dont feel like its mine. It doesnt belong to me it belongs to the people who have used and abused it. I still convince myself that neither instances were rape and i just made it up or exaggerated. I hate myself. I need help.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","childabuse_endangerment_past,rape_past"
Question 263,"Title: My last crisis counselling session

Text: Just over a year after I was raped, and now that I’m about to leave for university, I just finished my last crisis counselling session and I actually feel good about it, I feel ready. A year ago it was unimaginable to not be clinging to this place but I did it. I’m gonna live MY life now. I just wanted to share this with you guys because you’ll understand how huge this is for me💗

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_past
Question 264,"Title: Gang raped

Text: I’m lost for words. 60 days ago I was raped by 5 men that I met at the casino. They were talking about murdering me as the last one was assaulting me and some way I got my phone and called the police. 

I was so scared. I quit my job, ran off to treatment in Southern California, now I’m home trying to pretend that I’m ok when I’m not. I need someone to talk to. Please

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_past
Question 265,"Title: I F (18) need help with a cousin

Text: When I was younger my older cousin, around 21 would touch me as well as my other cousins. I have never confronted him about it but would tell him to stop. Something irked me really really bad today. I have a fake Instagram account where I watch my families stories and he happened to post a quote today on his story, ""It's sexual assault awareness month and I wanna say a big fuck you to every person who decided to touch another human being without fucking consent"" I want to slide up but im still not confident enough to do it. I want someone to respond to his story humiliating him without mentioning any names because I'm still scarred to this day and try so hard to block out the trauma.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",childabuse_endangerment_past
Question 266,"Title: Twins conceived from rape

Text: Hi I have twins who were conceived from rape. I have been in Hell litigating the rape in California. Today I lost my appeal. I would love to connect with and talk about my experience with family court in California. I feel as though the laws are set in place to protect the rapist instead of the victims. I have all of the evidence required to make a rape finding but the courts will not litigate the rape. The father also has custody of two other children which I believe went in his favor. I never dated or had any relationship with the father and I became pregnant from rape the first time I was ever alone with him. I am on a mission to bring awareness to my unique case. I cannot share custody with the father because it is too triggering and damaging to my emotional health.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_past
Question 267,"Title: PTSD from the abuse

Text: I can't sleep in my parents' house, I have sleep paralysis and nightmares about my abuser, because he raped me in my own bedroom. I live in another city and I don't really want to go there, I just go bc of my dogs and sister. But my parents want me to visit them every weekend because they're worried about me, yes, they know what happened, but they think my friends are manipulating me and that I want to cut ties with them bc they didn't believe me at first. But I'm not, I just want to be on my own, away from everything he touched. How can I tell them or how can I sleep? I'm tired of the nightmares and night terrors.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_past
Question 268,"Title: I was 15

Text: So, I was 15 at the time. I went online to find the most recommended photographer to take my pictures. In retrospect I was naive but I mean, everybody used him. His logo was on so many local model and artists pictures. He told me ""I will do you for free since it's your first time"". Our agreement was that he would me 3 free edited photos and the rest he will keep. He reassured me that his wife will be home (and she was). I felt safe.

We did some outdoor shots. His wife mentioned that she was going to church and left. As she drove off he decided that we take some more shots in his studio. Stupid me following him.  He told me that I wasn't expressive enough. He was thinking how he could get an emotion out of me. He suggested that we do a suggestive naked shot. Top off but I'd be turn around and looking back. I was shaking and nervous and declined but he pressured it and told me I'm an amature and I should just stop being a difficult girl and let him do what he wants.

So I did it. He then laughed and asked me if I was a virgin becuase I had no sex appeal. I didn't reply. I just froze in embarrassment. He made it seem like it  was a bad thing to be 15 and not experienced. He came towards me and groped me. I told him to stop. He squeezed my nipples and I was beginning to cry. He then jumped back and said ""perfect"".  Hundred of shots. He was telling me how beautiful and vulnerable I looked.

He asked me to sit on the floor (still topless and me hiding my breath with my arms). He put his finger I'm my vagina. I remember it hurting and being rough. He didn't care that I was crying or saying no. I tried to push him off of me until I gave up fighting.

 He took my virginity right there, in the house he shared with his wife. Right there in front of the camera for the world to see. He continued to capture the entire assault on video. He came inside of me (I didn't even know what that meant at the time). He continued to rape me for about 2 hours. My still body. Corpse like. Frozen in fear.  He got up and went to his computer to edit three shots for me. I just layer there shaking. He mentioned something about me going to cleanup myself and the mess I made (blood). I did as I was told. I didn't wait for the edits. I left. I told no one because I felt like it was .y fault.

This was over 20 years ago. Last week he found my ig and messaged me. He sent me the 3 edits. He told me he still watches the video we made. In one dm I became that 15 year old victim. I didn't know what to say. The edited shots look great but my eyes look so sad.  I don't know what I will do. Nor what I can do. I decided to come here. 

Just wondering if any other Models in the Toronto or the GTA area have encountered this behaviour. I can't be alone. You aren't alone.  I'm sorry for not speaking up sooner. Sorry for any other girl after me. It eats me alive don't let it eat you.

                           - Non expressive girl 
                           LBRH

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","childabuse_endangerment_past,rape_past"
Question 269,"Title: Arms hurting

Text: Wasn't sure if this was the right place to ask, my arms just hurt so much( I don't mean the scars) but it's physically painful to move my arms and lift loads. I haven't always had this, so is it related to self harming?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_past
Question 270,"Title: Was going to cut...

Text: But I made salted caramel bites :)))

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 271,"Title: Is it possible to get completely over self-harm?

Text: Idk if this might be a stupid question but I was wondering. Is it possible to never have any thoughts about self harming again and not ""miss it"" (idk what word would fit better here)? I know ppl are able to recover/stay clean/find new ways to cope and eveything but does it >really< go away?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_past
Question 272,"Title: Does scratching yourself count

Text: I'm not sure if anyone will take me seriously if I try and talk to a doctor about it. I'm not a fan of cutting since to me it feels wrong but I often tell myself that scratching myself is better. Most of the time I scratch till I bleed and I have some scars on my hands and arms. Will anybody help if I talk to my doctor about it or will it not be seen as self harm?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 273,"Title: how do i close a cut?

Text: i usually just break the plastic guard off of a saftey razor but this time i decided to get the blades out . the kut was a lot wider though and im not really sure what to do lol its not deep and its not bleeding but it ... open not sure how else to describe it. any advice on what to do?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 274,"Title: just burned for the first time

Text: A while ago I stole a woodburner from my art teacher's classroom. I always wanted to burn with it but was too scared.

I was almost 5 months clean of self harm. I had been wanting to relapse for the past 2 months, but every time I pulled out my razors I would get too scared and just put them back.

My friend went to the mental hospital. I'm listening to their playlists on spotify. 

I have a scar on my ankle from falling over in gym class and skidding my foot across the glossy floor. It's a really rough patch of skin. I burned that little section of skin so it wouldn't hurt as much. I'm still too scared to burn any other area. 

It's not bad enough that I need medical attention. It stung a lot. I know it's all self harm, but for some reason it feels like I actually relapsed since I didn't cut. It's a lot less messy than cutting, or at least the way I'm doing it.

A song that I showed to my friend just came up on the playlist. I hope she's alright.

I kinda just needed to let this out into the world. I needed to get my thoughts out. I don't know if I want comfort or advice or something else, but I would really appreciate knowing if anyone would just listen

thank you to anyone who read this far.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 275,"Title: Tips on recovering?

Text: Ive tried to recover before but I just half arsed it and was lucky I want triggered that bad. The last few weeks have left me very scared of what I’ve been doing to myself and essentially I want to recover. I can’t keep doing this. Anyone got any tips?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 276,"Title: I feel like a hypocrite lol

Text: ⚠️ selfharm, kinda long rant ⚠️ 

Sigh.

I 100% think that romanticising self harm is bad. But having the scars and cuts makes me feel pretty. I’ve gotten to a point where if i don’t have any i feel uncomfortable in my body or more uncomfortable anyway which doesn’t help on top of the crippling gender dysphoria and yeah ik that’s bad but i can’t help it. And not only that but if a friend comes to me about their self harm or something of the sort i feel like i can’t tell them it’s bad because that would be very hypocritical :/ and i know it’s bad but how can i help them when i romanticise mental illness on myself so much. (I don’t on other ppl btw just myself)

having cuts is fucking stressful too man !! I’m always anxious about my mum finding out because she already has so much going on and if my dad found out he’d just cry again which tbh made things so much worse. The other dayMy dad asked if i was wearing a hoodie at the beach to cover cuts up and i lied and told him no. He seemed satisfied with the answer but still I’m not sure if he believed me. 

 i don’t know if a teacher at school would say anything if they saw it because i typically cut my upper arm closer to my shoulder but the school uniform shirt sleeve comes up just a bit too high. I think people are gonna start getting suspicious of me wearing a jumper all the time. 

Sorry for the rant idk what the point of it is but maybe someone will relate and feel a little less alone :/ sorry if u do tho it sucks 

Anyway now I’m gonna go do my overdue assignments and probably cry lmao 😀

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 277,"Title: Good cream or related for wounds?

Text: Hello everyone,

Last month, my gf cut herself on her limb. Last time, I used polysporin which burned her, but helped inflammation and healing.

She did it again. Any recommendations that help sooth the wound?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 278,"Title: My harasser was fired today.

Text: The man that was sexually harassing me at work was fired today. The company handled the situation really well and let me know they were 100% on my side. 

I can’t help but feel bad though. I feel bad that he lost his job. I wonder what the reason will be when he tells his wife why he lost his job. Part of me wishes I would’ve just stayed quiet.

Has anyone else dealt with this? How can you stop your self from feeling bad even though it was THEIR actions that ultimately caused them to get fired?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_past
Question 279,"Title: I am harassed every single day

Text: I don't know how to handle these feelings, I work in a cigar lounge and get creepy comments from men literally all day.  I understand most of the time they're just trying to be nice but I hate receiving comments about my appearance from strangers. It gets to the point that I start dissociating at work, I feel like I'm not even a person. Just a ""pretty"" decoration, like I'm a a fucking flower vase or an NPC.  
I try to let it go but it's so pervasive, I want to start carrying because I'm developing a phobia of being taken or assaulted 
I don't know what I'm getting from posting here, I guess just to vent in a space where we have similar struggles.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_ongoing
Question 280,"Title: Best course of action after pantsing

Text: Earlier tonight I was hanging out with some people from school and at my friend's house. I was wearing looser underwear and a guy thought it would be funny to pants me and the underwear came too. A lot of people saw my vagina, including 4 guys. I was so embarrassed and angry I was about to cry but I kept it together until I left; everyone laughing didnt help either. Here's why I'm here: I dont want to go to the police but I dont know what else I could do make sure he learns his lesson. Suggestions please 

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_ongoing
Question 281,"Title: I'm being harassed and idk what to do

Text: So i go to school with this boy and he's been making some comments towards me this has been going on since last year he has been making comments such as ""your throat is so big I can fit a penis in there"" or things like that. We both like this anime demon slayer and there is this character called mitsuri let's just say she has a slightly revealing uniform and part of her breasts are showing I do really like her but this person I'm talking about for this story I'm just gonna call him Jeffery so Jeffery also likes mitsuri and has been saying to me he wants to drink her milk or bathe in her piss i thought it was just a joke at first but I feel really uncomfortable now idk what to do and he also has done things like laugh when I ate a banana or pretend to suck a penis. I have told a teacher but not much has been done. I'm just looking for some advice rn.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_ongoing
Question 282,"Title: Managing a friendship? after unsolicited d*ck pic

Text: I don’t know if this is the right place to post this but I just really need to get this off my chest. This happened ~2 years ago but still really bugs me/disgusts me. 

I was in a relationship in high school, and we ended things the summer after I graduated since we are going to different colleges. He really wanted to still be friends after (which I thought was a bad idea), but we tried. Throughout the summer before school started, he suggested we still sext. In hindsight that was a super weird request and I don’t know why I even said yes, but I did at the time. As the summer went on, I got over him and stopped sexting, and stopped talking frequently too. When I started college, we were on friendly terms but emotionally I had moved on. One night pretty far into the school year, we called to catch up, but I had a midterm the next day so I wanted to hang up. However he said he will just study with me, so we kept our video call going but I was stressfully studying. Suddenly as I’m looking over to the call screen I see that he has his d*ck out and is stroking it on camera. I was immediately taken aback and just froze, but tried to ignore it hoping he would put it away. This went on for around 5 minutes, and he still hadn’t put it away, still stroking it and looking into the camera (waiting for me to notice ig) I made some excuse to leave my room and go to the restroom, hoping it won’t be out when I came back. I had a mini panic attack in the bathroom but went back after a while. Well when I got back it was still there. To make it even better, I suddenly receive a snapchat photo of him stroking his dick, asking me to “take a break from studying” with him. I felt so grossed out and just absolutely disgusted. I said no to him and that I am not in the mood, but I think I was just so caught off guard.

I didn’t really know how to deal with this situation, and I guess I just kept trying to ignore it, but it obviously affected how I saw him. A part of me feels bad because we did sext for a little while so I don’t know if that validities him starting to jack off on camera in front of me. He apologized for the situation the next day and I said it’s okay. However the mental damage was done to me, I had nightmares the next couple of nights of similar things happening, and once even of him r*ping me. I don’t know how mentally I got into that state, but I started ignoring him for a couple of months because I was just so grossed out. He doesn’t know how much it had affected me and still doesn’t. He got pretty upset that I was ignoring his texts. I eventually started dating someone else and when he found out he completely exploded and texted me long paragraphs of how I’ve been a really bad friend to him/how I should have told him I was seeing someone new. I apologized and said I was just busy but I never told him the real reason. I still haven’t told him to this day and we rarely talk. Every time he texts me I still get grossed out even though it’s 2 years later. 

I really don’t know what to do. It’s just such an unfortunate situation and I don’t think it’s completely his fault seeing we had a sexting relationship in the early summer. But I really wish we had a conversation about it before he just pulled out his d*ck on screen since it had been months. But now I’m mentally scarred and kind of feel bad about how the friendship ended and I never explained why I started ignoring him. I think I just needed to type all this out to share it to someone but not anyone I knew. Thanks for reading if you did. If you have any advice on what helps to get over this icky feeling let me know too.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_past
Question 283,"Title: Daily harassment at work what to do

Text: Every other morning I go to work at our second location one of our front staff ""greets"" me strangely by calling me a prostitute. I consistently confront the person on this and they consistently double down on the ""greeting"" Implying I'm a cheap prostitute.ive discussed this with my boss and the person's boss to no avail it happens every morning and the boses just seem to think it's a quirky fun thing or something. I don't want to get the person fired or anything but would sure be nice if they stopped calling me names every other morning.its gotten to the point i don't even feel comfortable working at the other location.any advise would be appreciated.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_ongoing
Question 284,"Title: Why are romantic relationships and sex considered not a need?

Text: I don't understand this, its something I deal with everyday and it makes it hard to live. I had to cut off all my friends and my brother because it hurts to much to see them with something I will never have. Hobbies have done nothing to ease my pain, so I don't see how I'm supposed to be able to live happy.

What can I do when I don't want to live the rest of my life miserable? This is no way to live and I understand that some people manage to live life with either but I can't and it hurts so much.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 285,"Title: life means nothing

Text: life means nothing anymore man im so sick of just being happy and good than bam im fucked up shit happens and people hate me I play to kill my self tomorrow some time i wont be writing to anyone or causing anyone problems my mother wont care my father wont care the only person who ill care is my girlfriend and one of my friends but i know both of them will move on and get there own lives im sorry ive fought my self and my demons for years now but i just feel like im losing

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 286,"Title: i’m so scared

Text: recently got approved for tms treatment but now i’m realizing i dont want it. i dont want to feel better. i dont want to buy into the idea that life is good or worth living. im 21 and i dont want to live out my whole “natural” life. i dont want 40+ more years of living just surviving and doing random shit to pretend life has meaning until i die. i dont know what to do because now my family and everyone on my support team thinks its a good thing and i let myself feel hopeful for a second before i realized i dont want hope. i dont think i’m mentally ill or have something wrong with me, i think i just see the world correctly. the reason i dont feel joyful is because there is no joy. there is only distractions. if i forget that i will be forced to continue living a life i dont want and never asked for. things are good, i love my family, like school, like my job. but thats not enough to live for when its all just a distraction biding my time. i cant do this. what do i do?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 287,"Title: Killing myself as of now

Text: I have nobody to leave a note to who cares. You’ll be the only people who hear of this. Goodbye

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 288,"Title: Are most people really happy and normal?

Text: It's hard for me to imagine loving this life and not acknowledging all the pain and suffering in the world. I feel ashamed when I'm around people who love life. It's like I'm an outcast to society because I am too sensitive and freaked out by this world

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 289,"Title: I feel so alone.

Text: It feels like everywhere I post on all social media results in me being ignored. I just wanted support or just someone to talk to. My mental health is at its absolute lowest and I've posted some fucking awful stuff (massive TW if you want to snoop in my messages and tell me to kill myself in DMs or something idc anymore).

I don't even want to ask for support, because I'm too scared of not getting it. Not like I deserve it, but I feel so cold without someone to talk to. I suffer with OCD and experience massive intrusive thoughts and ruminations (e.g. over-analysing past mistakes) and it's given me a huge wave of depression. 

I know this a ""throwaway"" account but it's actually just an alt account for mental health help.

Thanks if you read this.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 290,"Title: Casually suicidal?

Text: Is anyone else “casually suicidal”? Like, you’re perfectly okay with the idea of dying and it’s just an average lingering thought part of your daily thought process. It’s more like thinking of ways to kill yourself rather than actually acting on them.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 291,"Title: Why not

Text: I jus embarrass myself all the time. I overthink everything. I cry whenever I’m embarrassed.

Around my oldest friends today and embarrassed myself. Why do I always do this. 

I’m going over a bridge tomorrow. A huge one that suicide is highly discouraged from, lots of signs, no stopping on the bridge, etc. Why shouldn’t I. Not like they can get mad at me if I’m dead.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 292,"Title: Is suicidal ideation part of my physical brain now?

Text: I have struggled with suicidal ideation since I was in 5th grade (I am 21). When thought patterns are consistent, your brains builds neuron structures based on those thoughts right? Does this mean I am stuck to fantasizing about death because it is a physical part of my brain?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 293,"Title: college is making me want to die

Text: i'm in my third semester of college and i genuinely don't feel happy being alive anymore. I'm not gonna kill myself because i know you're not supposed to do that, but i really hate being alive and living this way. I'm failing two core classes (like actually failing) and i know that grades aren't everything but there hasn't been a semester where I've done decently in all my classes. school is the reason I'm no longer happy being alive but it's too late to transfer or change my major and i feel trapped. its sucks being the only one among my friend to continuously do so bad in classes and i feel like I'm not supposed to be here. i don't know how I'm gonna survive til graduation or if i can.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 294,"Title: I want to break up with my boyfriend because I’m suicidal and I don’t want him to be hurt.

Text: I’ve been having mental health issues since I was exposed to abuse and the reality of life at a young age. I’m currently in college pursuing a medical degree but I really don’t think I have the strength to keep going. I’ve been feeling like this for a very long time and I can’t even imagine what my future looks like since I’ve already convinced myself that I’d be dead by then.

My boyfriend is the nicest, sweetest, and most caring guy I’ve ever met. We’ve been together for about a year now and we’ve never had any fights at all. He has always went out of his way to make me smile and make my life easier. However, I still can’t feel any form of genuine happiness as much as I try. I’ve been thinking of putting an end to it all more than usual lately, but I’ll feel really bad if I traumatize him and break his heart. I’m thinking of breaking up with him before I kill myself so it won’t be too bad for him. I don’t want to talk to him about my suicidal thoughts because I don’t want him to feel burdened or pressured in any way by me. I’ve been open about my poor mental health but my boyfriend isn’t a god, he can’t take away my sadness with the snap of his fingers. That’s why I’ve been more depressed lately — the realization that nothing will ever make me feel better. Even if I go through college and med school and became a successful medical professional. Even if I win the lottery I would still choose to die instead. 

I want to kill myself, but I also don’t want to hurt my boyfriend. If I knew that my life was gonna be like this, I wouldn’t have gotten a boyfriend at all. I feel so shitty for dragging him into this mess. What should I do?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 295,"Title: I Want To Off Myself

Text: I hate myself, I distrust most of my family, I’m stressed. 

I could elaborate on all of these issues, but I’ve got better things to do.

I’m walking on eggshells trying to avoid a reaction from my parents, verbal, physical, or otherwise.

I’m trying to figure out the best way for death.

I’m worrying about/ for other people. I’m trying to make sure my brother doesn’t off himself, I’m trying to make sure my friends get enough sleep and feel that they’re supported, I’m trying to make sure my teachers feel appreciated.

I don’t have time to worry about myself when I’m just one of multi-billion people on this planet. 

Self love, parental relationships, and my own mental health can wait. The knife is always in the kitchen drawer.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 296,"Title: cutting isn’t enough

Text: I just really want to die. I hate everything about myself. Everyone hates me. I have no friends and my family don’t care about me. I’m ugly and disgusting and always in the way. I want to disappear l. I hate that I relapsed but I also hate that I exist. I feel so alone.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","selfharm_ongoing,suicideideation_passive_ongoing"
Question 297,"Title: I accidentally cut too deep and almost died

Text: I can see fat and I nearly passed out, Im scared that if I fall asleep now I'll never wake up.

The blood is stopping and I gave my cat a hug, I'm just sat on the couch crying and drinking water-

I dont know what came over me- I just felt a need to cut a vein and die???
I was laughing too until I realized that I was in trouble, I hate it..

Why can I just be be okay, happy and stable??

I think I might be okay, but if I dont post in the next week then I'm sorry.

Edit: I'm okay!! 😊 I managed to get everything under control and wrapped up, I was really dizzy and nauseous for a while but I'm actually feeling a lot better now- thank you all so much for your support- I love you all, and i hope we can all find our ways into better situations 💖
Hugs from my cat 🐾🐱

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","selfharm_ongoing,suicideideation_active_ongoing"
Question 298,"Title: URGENT! PLEASE CLICK!!

Text: I know why you’re on this sub Reddit. There’s a reason you clicked on this post. I need to tell you something, you have to promise to trust me. Ok?

You’re going to be ok. It’s hard at the minute, I know it is, I’m right there with you. But you, you’re gonna make it through this. I’m not going to tell you to stop doing it, you’ll do that when youre ready. But it’s going to be ok. 

After you’ve finished tonight. Clean everything. Wrap up your wounds and breathe. You’ve made it another day. I’m so proud. You’re going to be ok. I’m going to be ok. We’re all going to be fine. We’ll get through this. My DMs are always open ❤️

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 299,"Title: Regret admitting that I tried to do it 18F

Text: Throwaway. So I just saw my gp again (regarding my mental health and how I was able to start seeing a psychologist/at least a councillor). He did the usual and asked how I was feeling since the previous appointment and what has occurred since. I replied that I was feeling the same, and then he asked more questions which lead me to admitting that I’ve tried harming myself/my first suicide attempt a couple weeks ago (I actually can’t remember when cause everyday is kinda like a blur to me and I’m not counting). And now he’s calling a mental health team at a hospital and stuff for an assessment or smth. I gave my consent for him to allow my mum to take part in my medical info and treatment and he told her to make an appointment for her to see him tmr. I’m kind of regretting telling him about my attempt. I don’t really want my mum to know about it cause it isn’t really a big deal, and I don’t want her to worry or be bothered by me. I don’t feel comfortable with the awkward air it creates and having my mum show or feel concerned. I don’t want things/us to change.

I was feeling alright currently and my distractions prevent me from starting to cry/facing my emotions and thoughts and I haven’t had an episode of a mental breakdown or attempted suicide again since the last time. Calling a mental health team didn’t feel necessary to me. I don’t know if I should be regretting my decision and how I can stop myself regretting. I feel like him contacting a mental health team is a bother and I’m feeling anxious about having to talk to them. I’m somewhat scared now.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_past
Question 300,"Title: just carved ""kill me"" into myself

Text: Today has been absolutely horrible. I crashed my car, went to a party and took shrooms then started freaking out, got a ride home and layed in my bed for 3 hours before I began cutting. I havnt done it often and usually when I do its maybe 2 to 4 lines that dont bleed most of the time. But today was different for me. I cut around 10 times, carved a few hearts into me and ""kill me"" into my arm. I dont know what to do.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","selfharm_ongoing,suicideideation_passive_ongoing"
Question 301,"Title: Mentally ill brother abuses sister.

Text: I (32f) am in a very strange situation. My brother (32m) has been mentally and emotionally and physically abusing me for 15 years to the point where it is not safe to go to my parents house without getting verbally assaulted.
To make it worst my husband stands by and does nothing. If he’s upset with me and I come home after being abused he won’t even really address it. What do I do? My dad wants my brother out but my mom protects and enables him and he threatens violence but my mom won’t let’s us call the police. What have others done in similar situations?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 302,"Title: How can I support my friend who’s currently in an abusive marriage?

Text: My friend has been married to her abuser for several years and they have two kids together. His abuse method, from what she’s told me, is predominantly emotional, and she thinks that it’s not that bad because he doesn’t hit her. Amongst other things, he’s cheating on her (confirmed by another friend, as she saw him in public with his arm around the woman with whom he’s cheating), he takes away her car keys, and he gaslights her, constantly telling her she’s mentally ill (she’s very much not). Also tries to isolate her by saying he doesn’t want visitors in his house. He constantly leaves without telling her when he’ll be back so that he can go off galavanting, sometimes forcing her to work her job from home for 8 hours while simultaneously taking care of two kids. She goes in waves of feeling good and bad, as most abusers make their victims feel, but she’s finally taking steps toward wanting to figure out her rights if she were to divorce him. 

I’ve been trying to be there for her as much as possible, like listening to her while she vents, offering a shoulder to lean on, and telling her that she and the kids can move in with my husband and me if she needs to. Thankfully, we live close by so the kids could attend their schools. I also send her resources in coded text messages so that she doesn’t run the risk of having him see. 

Is there anything else that I could be doing to support her?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 303,"Title: Help

Text: Does anyone know of any resources to get back on your feet? I’m leaving my abusive controlling husband and am looking into help with housing. Thank you.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_ongoing
Question 304,"Title: Constant making excuses for them

Text: Anybody else realise as soon as they stopped making excuses for the abuse, everything became clear?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 305,"Title: Finally leaving!! I have less than 24 hours to get everything together before getting to the shelter. Any tips? Things you wish you knew at the time? What to pack/what to leave? How to sneak out?

Text: I cleaned out a lot of stuff two months ago to prep for this so I’d really only have the bare minimum but even that feels like a lot. I don’t really know to be honest.. I don’t know what’s a point of reference on how much I need and what to bring. If I’ll need a lot of stuff at the shelter or it will be provided etc. 

Idk about money for pet food either. There’s a lot of questions running through my head right now along with the excitement and anxiety.

I also need to plan an escape route. If i just take my pet and me (I’m very sadly leaving two birds behind that technically belong to the abusers even though I took care of them), then I can play it off as a vet visit. But if I take some boxes, I can only pass so many off as more donations boxes. (I have 5 boxes and potentially a suitcase though that would be noticeable) I’m not sure if they’ll notice or ignore it. They have a front door cam so even sneaking it out the back and to the front is dangerous.

I’m spiraling from all the thoughts in my head, so any help/advice is *greatly* appreciated. 

PS I’m super excited to finally be free. I pray I never ever have to go back to them or their hell home. I’m adding this because I know a lot of survivors struggle with leaving and thinking about the process. I can relate but I’m still very happy and grateful for this chance. Naturally there comes some anxiety to work through but I know it’ll all turn out well in the end and for the best. 

TIA!

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_ongoing
Question 306,"Title: 4 weeks

Text: Just an update, hoping this will help me reach clarity because I feel that I’m still in the fog. 

Friday marks 4 weeks since I left and still can’t believe that I did it. I still go back and forth in my decision. He still feel that I may have exaggerated my situation or I misunderstood. I’m crying less but still feel anger and sadness at times. I miss him but not really? It’s such a weird feeling. I miss what we had and the moments of happiness we shared. I hate that I feel like I’m robbing my kids of a whole family experience. But they love living with their grandparents, as a matter of fact when they spend time with their dad my little one always keeps asking when he’s going to go home to see his grandparents. I mean that makes me feel bad for him, but at the same time I feel relieved they’re not missing him too much. It’s just mixed feelings all over the place. 

I have started a new job so that keeps me focused on something else. I haven’t told him for fear of him using this against me, but also because I feel it’s not his business, but I feel guilty for keeping this info a secret. I like feeling free and hopeful of what the future may bring me and the kids. The place I work at so far seems like a big family and is welcoming, so I have enjoyed going there and do what I do. I like having my independence, planning things around my schedule and having people to support me and my decisions. I’m slowly trying to direct mine and my children’s paths onto a healthier lifestyle, but it’s hard. I have let myself go for far too long and getting back to where I was, I know it’s going to take sometime. 

He has agreed to take the 52 week program classes and keeps asking me when I’m going to go back home. I keep telling him when I see the changes and feel safe that I will do so. He keeps telling me has changed and I haven’t noticed, that may be so but all I see is a lot of guilt tripping. For example: he has told me that he has asked for financial help from his brother and charged the divorce response on his credit card because he doesn’t have the money. That he is tired of the work he is doing because it’s physically hard and exhausting for him because of an accident over 17 years ago that damaged his leg, but still has to do the job because someone has to pay the mortgage. That his son (my step son) feels bad and wants to move out go back to big metro city with his uncle because there’s nothing for him here and all he wanted was a family. He still believes I left because he didn’t pay attention to me, or that I have found someone else that’s why I left. Even though I tell him it was his controlling ways and how I felt suffocated  and used by him that caused all this, he still believes it’s not that. This is where I doubt myself because yeah he never hit me, but what if everything I felt was me being like a spoiled child throwing a tantrum by not getting her way. 
There is still a lot I have to work out through therapy because it still doesn’t register that he’s and abuser or that I was being abused.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_past
Question 307,"Title: DV

Text: I’ve been in a dv relationship for 12 years … there’s been extenuating circumstances as to why it’s been so hard to leave and still really is … aside from the threats / assaults / daily verbal abuse …a lot has happened in 12 years . 

However .. I was recommended this book which I downloaded as an e-book

Why does he do that ? - Lundy Bancroft . 

Amazing read … some parts are like reading my thoughts , previous interactions … others don’t apply to me but ANYONE who’s stuck in an abusive relationship or isn’t sure if what they’re experiencing is abuse .. please take the time to read this . I’m only halfway through as I’ve got to sneak time to read it w/o it causing drama … 

Fingers crossed I make it out soon and so do all of you. 

You deserve respect ….

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_ongoing
Question 308,"Title: Restraining order hearing

Text: Hi I have a hearing for my restraining order on my ex coming up. I don’t have an attorney. How do I prepare for the hearing? I also have a ton of screenshots printed for evidence that I’d like to show the judge. Please please give me any pointers and advice.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 309,"Title: My mom guilt trips me

Text: I’m frequently self harm to deal with my trauma anxiety and depression. Every time she sees new scars she makes me comfort her. I never really get to talk to her without her saying how I’m ungrateful and for how I’m making her feel useless. I’m just 15 and can’t handle my own emotions and she’s expecting me to take care of her emotions. Am I horrible a horrible daughter?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 310,"Title: i feel guilty 😕

Text: not sure how to feel about this y’all, but a while ago i had two separate incidents with two of my friends, one of whom tried to grope me and the other choked me. schools started back up and i told my brother about all of that and that i didn’t want to be friends with them anymore, at the time my brother said it was fine but he told me now that he feels really lonely and that he doesn’t have any friends. kinda felt like he wanted to go back to them but when i told him it was fine if he did he said he didn’t want to. he’s so depressed and it kinda feels like it’s all my fault. did i do the right thing?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_past
Question 311,"Title: Guess I'll be alone on Halloween, again.

Text: Made plans for Halloween earlier last week with a friend who said he'd invite some of his friends to come down with us. We were gonna go into the city, get drinks and do some clubbing. I'd never been clubbing before and I don't get the opportunity to do this sorta thing often, so I was pretty excited. I also don't have many friends, maybe a couple real ones, but since everyone I knew left for uni back in September I feel even more isolated than before. So having someone who I've known for the past few months who really felt like a good friend wanting to come out with me for Halloween meant the world. 
But I guess that's not happening anymore. My friend hasn't been replying to any of messages about what time we should get down there, or if we're doing costumes, which I sent him a few days ago now. I even messaged the gc for our gym about who'd like to come; no replies. 

Man, I'm fucking bummed out. I've been alone for most Halloweens over the past few years and I really thought this was it; I organised a costume and everything, got my hopes up and now it's all flaked out.
I feel just like I did the day before my 18th earlier this year where I'd spent ages trying to organise something with ""friends"", but no one gave a shit. Then I had to spend the day alone. I hate that that will always be how I remember my 18th. 

I'm hoping this can touch somebody else here who's in a similar spot to me.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 312,"Title: 37 m looking for a [chat] while at work

Text: 
A very slow day at work and I'm falling asleep at my desk. Looking for a chat to help me get through the day.

 I enjoy a vast number of nerdy  type things... comics, video games,  reading, tcgs, wrestling,  etc.... along with that I enjoy yoga hiking  baseball and camping. I want to get more into writing but just havnt had the time to dedicate to it lately. I listen to punk/emo/screamo music and I am easily  entertained by most movies/tv shows.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 313,"Title: My body issues came back...

Text: I was about 12,13 when I started throwing up my food. It got to the point where my hair would fall out more and my teeth were sensitive. I was tired and miserable. I've been engaging with this until about the age of 16,17 where I finally realised it was bad and my body was deteriating. I went from 67kg to about 48kg and my main weight would be about 50ish. I was in the closet because my ex boyfriend and his friends would make fun of me for being gay (I have short hair and there were rumours about me and my ex bestie...who I did actually had a crush on in school...she kept kissing me and hugging me but nothing really came out of it. Thank goodness for that...She's a whole other can of worms...).

Anyhow, I was happier with my body and at a healthy, skinny weight. It never went below an unhealthy point  I made sure of it so it wasn't obvious I had problems. I got told by boys who became my new form of validation that I was beautiful but, if I got skinnier, it'd be too much. That made me self conscious as hell. After I came out, I stopped seeking male validation and a lot of my...ex lovers??????? Told me they knew I was gay all along and all that bullsh!t. My ex best friend and her bf would make snarky comments about calories (and the people I slept with) when we'd go out to eat...it wasn't fun being around them because a lot of that stuff was hitting a nerve.

Eventually, I stopped restricting food and I began exercising. I lift weights because my arms were flappy and I do cardio on a stair climber. Now my butt and arms are huge and firm...so are my thighs. My thighs are massive. I look like a caricature...like one of those anime girls from those hentai game ads. People tell me I'm hot. I keep getting shrexual invitations from a few people but I want nothing to do with it. Someone asked me why I don't swim. The answer is that I don't want my body to be visible to anyone. It's sexualised by people I don't want to be sexualised by and I hate the way it looks. All the wrong parts get attention...I just want to be smaller, not this huge anime hentai b!tch. It doesn't help my nan has the same figure as me so I don't see an attractive woman, I just see my nan when I look in the mirror. She's not ugly and I don't think she looks bad but it looks super weird on me.

I weight like 60kg plus now. I have a huge ass, huge thighs, my neck is fat and so are my arms. I can't handle being a woman, getting periods, having these massive food cravings and having my belly swell up and get bloated every fucxing month! My mum is overweight so talking to her about this is hard and I'm just so conflicted about myself...not to mention that ex bestie supposedly started a conspiracy to debunk me being gay cuz I used to sleep with boys...I think she made advances on me when we were friends and when we'd get drunk. She'd make comments about my body but I didn't buy into it because...well, we were drunk and I didn't wanna have that boundary broken with her... she's dating a man who she thought I wanted to get with...hence the conspiracy.

Long story short: I get told I'm pretty but I hate the way my body looks and people are massive perverts. I'm not asexual, just tired.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 314,"Title: I got complemented today and I’m crying.

Text: I am currently in school and I had to go out to a facility and shadow someone. I followed her throughout the day and just observed. Eventually she had me do a few simple things on my own and I had an interaction with a client that ended with him thanking me and telling me he appreciated me being considerate to him. The lady I was shadowing and at the end of the day complimented me too and said she thinks I will be good in this profession and she gave me her number to reach out to her. So for more context I will say I’ve been struggling and feeling discouraged in the program I am in. It’s been hard and I have other personal issues going on that contributes to me feeling so bad about myself. I’ve been having a really hard time and to have two strangers say something nice to me today just means so much. I don’t think they realized how much it means to me. I felt seen and appreciated for the first time in a long time.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 315,"Title: Feels like loneliness inhibits your personality

Text: There are a lot of things you will more likely do if you are with friends. Sure there’s still plenty of things you can do by your own. But idk, I don’t know what going to a concert is. It’s not that I don’t go because I don’t like it, I simply don’t know how I would act in that situation because the only way I’m going to one is with friends.  
Even the fact of going out to anywhere feels very pointless without friends. I don’t even know the 1% of the interesting things in my city (apparently there’s a lot to do where I live) but I honestly don’t care about going to a popular café on my own and doesn’t matter how tasty the menu looks.  
How would I develop nowadays hanging out with a friend/ a group of friends? Will I be the funny guy? The selfish that talks but doesn’t listen? Someone cool? The scapegoat everyone makes fun of? The one with genuinely interesting anecdotes? A lovely being? I barely know. Being with the wrong people in school would easily turn on my bratty behavior, which I hopefully vanished from my being, but I didn’t get the opportunity to be me with the kind of people I would really like to be with yet.  
Oh and, not about friends though, but I definitely have no clue about what kind of partner I would be in a relationship.  
What part of you or of the world do you people think you are lossing from because of your loneliness?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 316,"Title: 24F I feel like I mess up every conversation I’m in or I’m just unfunny and boring lol

Text: I’m 24 and I don’t really do anything exciting and I’m a big dumb nerd. I’m really bad at talking to people and most of the time people ghost me for unknown reasons. Im just looking for a friend who actually likes me.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 317,"Title: What is this?

Text: I don’t understand why this happens, and I can’t really control it. But I feel like there is another person inside of me trying to take over my mind and body, like a parasite. It says things like “F*ck You” “You Fat F*ck” “I hope you die” It’s most often when I’m alone. This has happened for as long as I can remember.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 318,"Title: I Just someone who Cares about me

Text: A few weeks ago i lost a Person who really ment a Lot for me. She Just replaced me with an Others Guy even thoug i was Always there for her and helpt her all the time. I dont even know what i die wrong and she didn't even tell me. After this i feel kompletle worthless and just want a Person who really Cares about me or ist this zu much to ask dir?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 319,"Title: Why everything went down?

Text: From a certain time of my life, to the present day, i have been so...alone...u dont talk to anybody, my friends dont talk to me anymore, my family either,but , its something that happen to someone else? Its common?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 320,"Title: 25F I wish I had someone to talk to everyday 🥺

Text: I miss being someone's favorite person, all they think about, them getting excited to talk to me. I miss it tbh.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 321,"Title: My friend confirmed I was raped

Text: I was raped in college and I convinced myself it was just a horrible sexual experience because I was so ashamed. When I told my therapist the story a decade later, she encouraged me to reach out to my old roommate who was with me at the time, just to see if she had any memories that matched mine.

Well, she did. She recalled the exact night, how creepy the guy was being, how scared I was, how fucked up i got (I now think I was drugged), and how silent and sad I was the next day. She wasn’t aware of what exactly happened behind closed doors, but she (and everyone else) knew he took advantage of me. Instead of supporting me, everyone was high-fiving him bc he was the fat, funny frat dude who finally got laid. I was afraid to speak up.

I thought I healed from this, but her messages made me ugly-cry. I want to confide in my boyfriend, but I’m so scared to tell him. I know I did nothing wrong, but I feel so gross.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_past
Question 322,"Title: It ’s taken me a while for this, but here I am [24F] . My uncles a Bastard .

Text: 
It’s a long story, and I tend to ramble. So please bare with me . Names changed .

Growing up Filipino you’re really close to all of your cousins . At the time it was just me and my sister (Denise) and my cousins (Renaldo and Mary). Me and Denise grew up with a rough childhood, and my cousins had it all. My aunt and Uncle would take us everywhere and going there was like a vacation. My dad was in and out of jail and mom a drug addict who was constantly abused by her boyfriends. 

I remember this day so vividly and cry about it a lot now, it disgusts me and I feel ashamed. I honestly don’t know if this was the first time anything has ever happened. But this is the day I can remember as the first time. We went over to my aunts house for Thanksgiving as they hosted holiday parties all the time. I was 9 around this time. My mom and aunt decided to goto the Casinos a couple hours out and try their luck . Everyone went except for my uncle, he was gonna stay and watch us 4 . I remember, my sister and I were going to sleep in the guest room , she got the bed and I chose to sleep in a sleeping bag. (As kids the 4 of us were always fascinated with camping, so this is normal behavior for me ) I remember feeling someone was next to me but not inside the sleeping bag. I could just feel the body there , and I assumed it was the entertainment center And that I somehow moved towards it. I felt hands on my stomach and I remember being so scared because I thought it was supernatural, little did I know I’d be terrified by the time I opened my eyes . I heard the sleeping bag unzip, and I immediately opened my eyes and moved. There he was , laying next to me one finger to his mouth and his other hand unzipping the bag . I remember whispering “what’s going on?” And he told me to get up and come with him . I was a child . I got up and followed my uncle , he lead me to the master bathroom and told me “you’re gonna become a women now, I want to show you how to be safe when you do.” I was so confused, no one ever told me about this, I didn’t even learn what a period was until I got it. 

When I look back on this, I cry. Why couldn’t I have been more smarter? More Aware ? How come no one ever told me to be careful for people like this? 

My uncle proceded to molest me that night , and I let him. I trusted him, because he was my uncle. He told me never to tell anyone and if I did no one would care because it’s normal. After he finished, he told me to go back to bed . And I did. I didn’t know what just happened , and I didn’t know it was bad . 

After that , it kept happening. A year later I’m 10 and my dads out of jail, he got clean and he has a new gf. My sister and I visited them a lot, and I loved it there. I still never tell anyone I’m being molested cause Again , I didn’t realize it was wrong. 
I started my period , my dads GF and her sister (who was 15 at the time) both gave me the talk and told me everything. Periods, sex and not to do it until I’m older. I remember I asked a lot of questions, and I guess they just took it as “she wants to learn” but really I was just finding out the person I trusted was actually doing something so horrible to me. I didn’t tell them then. 

The next time my Uncle tried to do something to me I was left alone after school. My cousins and sister had Basket ball practice and I got out early from volleyball ball. So he came to pick me up first and we waited at the house to pick the others up. I wished my aunt would be there when we got there. But she wasn’t . He tried to have “uncle time” but I got really mad. I told him to stop it, and what he was doing was wrong. That my new mom told me I shouldn’t be doing this , and when I do it’ll be with the person I marry. He was upset to say the least. He told me he was my boyfriend, and if I told anyone I would get into trouble. He told me if he found out I said anything to anyone he’d kill himself . He convinced me no one would believe me. I cried because , he was a monster . But he was my uncle, my cousins dad and my aunts husband. 

That day , he raped me. I remember I tried to get out of his grasp when he was dragging me by my arm. I remember crying when he was molesting me , I remember crying so much. He kept saying, you shouldn’t be crying , gfs don’t cry. I laid there silent , I felt trapped . He raped me. All I thought I could do was lay there , and think about “why me” .

The years went by and it kept happening, I’m very ashamed to say I didn’t enjoy it but I let it happen like Maybe he thought I actually liked it for years . At one point he started giving me money sometimes . It’d be like $40-100 , I usually just put away and hid it. I know one time I saved close to $800, and I was ashamed I didn’t even want to spend it let alone get caught with that much money. 

I was 15 when I started fighting back. Whenever he’s try to touch me while I slept I’d kick in my sleep, or I’d try to one shot hit some one who was next to me so they’d wake up(we always slept on the same beds , 2 and 2) When he tried to get me alone I’d ignore him or call out to my sister or one of my cousins. But it started getting really worse, he got Mary bunk beds so we didn’t have to sleep together any more (me and Mary were really close) whenever he hugged me he’d try to press his groin into me. I remember once he did that and I purposely kneed him , and said it was an accident. We all had a good laugh because “i AcCiDeNtLy KnEeD hIm In HiS PrIvAtEs” it was on purpose you fucking bastard. It kept going throughout highschool. At this point I was done, I was disgusted at this man . 

But I was older, I let it go on for to long. Something I didn’t want, something I was afraid to tell anyone. I started thinking maybe I did want it , maybe it’s not that bad. But why didn’t I like it if it’s not ? How come I’m so afraid to tell anyone ? 

I told my step brother, I had 3 of em and 1 that was my age. My dad had married his GF and they all moved into a house, I would go and visit on the weekends . Me and my step brother we’re really close . I was 16 he was 16 , he was dating my friend and I was kind of dating his best friend. I had been fighting back and trying to prevent anything and everything from happening with my Uncle. Because I was doing this it had stopped a bit, no more forcing me to have sex. It was just me waking up to him touching me and I would Kick “in my sleep”. My SBro and I were sitting outside on the swinging chairs just talking, and somehow the conversation got to him hooking up with my friend and asked if I was a virgin . Now, If I said no I wouldn’t be lying at 16 I consensually slept with 2 other guys who were my age . But there was uncle who always haunts me , even though for the last 2 years I was trying to get out of it without having to tell anyone . My SBro must have saw the sad face I had and said “it’s okay if you are” . I started crying, he was rubbing my back and kept saying it was okay. I asked him if I told him something can he please keep it a secret. He said yes . I told him everything , It was the first time I felt like I was safe talking about it. He sat there and listened and said he wouldn’t tell anyone but that I need to or to at least stop going over there . I thanked him, and he never told anyone.

In HS, my mom had 2 more kids 1 boy 1 girl. I was so afraid to bring them around my cousins house that when I did I would make sure I was with both of em at all times . Because it slowed down for me I didn’t want it to happen to anyone else . 

I’m 21, I’ve had a rough couple years . At this point I’ve slept with a lot people . I didn’t keep track but I know it was over 30. I had gotten into a serious relationship when I was 20. Right before I turned 21 we broke up and I moved into my aunts house , she was the only family I had in town. My other cousin (we’ll call him Derek) had moved in to because he was in a 4 year relationship that ended badly and couldn’t go back to his parents . My uncles sister moved in a month before me , she needed to get back on her feet (Lisa). So they made a make shift bedroom with foldable beds in the living room for me and Lisa and Derek slept in the room with Reynaldo . I’d sometimes fall asleep with Mary but I’d wake up and go to my foldable bed. It felt safer sleeping with Lisa there. Within a couple weeks of me being there Lisa left and moved in with her bf. So Reynaldo gave me his bed to put in my “bedroom” and him and Derek slept on the foldable beds. It was greatly appreciated  but I was now hoping nothing would ever happen. 

My ex and I had started talking again, about getting back together . Fixing things that need to be and being on the same page. I would go and visit after work and I realized I loved this guy. It felt safe and perfect. 
One morning I was asleep still, everyone had left to work . Well I thought everyone had . I didn’t have to get up for another 2 hours so I was enjoying laying there and falling in and out of sleep. Until I felt it, he was slowly touching me . I started kicking and jerking away And he stopped I heard him walk away. I had falling into sleep after 30 mins of waiting and I woke up the most scared I had ever been . He had laid next to me and stuck it in. I got up and was like Stop ! I grabbed my clothes I had set out the night before and said “I’m going to shower!” Really loud . Hoping someone was actually home. I briskly walked there and locked the door behind me . I turned music on my phone and sat in the shower crying . I thought it was done. I thought it wasn’t going to happen anymore . I thought why me. I know I forgot to mention this but I twice tried to kill myself. And the only person who stopped me and took it serious was Denise. I hadn’t thought about it in a long time but I feel like my uncles actions drove me to those thoughts. Cause as I sat there under the hot water the only thing I could think about was dying so I didn’t have to go back out there. I was crying even more now, and trying to talk myself out of it . I heard the door handle rattle and I yelled “IM FUCKING TAKING A SHOWER!!” I got up and started scrubbing every part he touched that morning. I was trying to take off his filth. I was putting hot water in my Vagina trying to clean myself from him. I was done , absolutely done . 

I got dressed and I was grabbing my things when he came back out to the living room . I said “I’m going to work.” And he was saying things like “you have an hour” and trying to move me to the bed . I was making up excuses and saying she called me in early. And he kept trying to block me in . I was just pushing forward to the door and he was making excuses for me to stay “let me make you breakfast ? I can cook your lunch really quick. You can stay a little longer before work”. I was trying so hard not to cry or yell . I was scared of him, I didn’t realize how scared I was until then . Every emotion from when I was I kid all came back . I was angry , i was depressed I was scared . I was silent. 

I finally got out of the house with his attempts to kiss me or put his groin on my butt stopping at the door . I got in my car and drove off . I was way to early for work but the only place I wanted to be was by myself . I went to the park. I sat there and cried more and thought about why I let it keep happening. I was disgusted with my self . I was mad at myself for ever wearing shorts or a bathing suit in that house . I was mad at myself for sleeping over there. I was mad at myself for being a kid who didn’t know any better. I went to work, and I was a wreck . I texted my ex to ask if we can talk after work. I went over and I told him everything and cried . He told me it was going to be okay , and that I’m staying with him from now on. That I needed to tell Reynaldo and Mary. I told him I would . 2 days passed and I haven’t gone back for any of my clothes . I just been going to work and going to My bfs . My aunt and Uncle kept calling me , my cousins were worried . I asked Mary if she was free that night , and if we can goto the park to talk . We went and she asked if I was back with my ex and why did I disappear . I told her it wasn’t easy for me to do this , and I’ve wanted to do this all along. And I told her . She was crying and told me to get out of her car . I did . I got into mine and cried , because I knew she didn’t believe me . A couple hours later she told me to go back to the park. She was there with Derek and Reynaldo . I told them everything . Mary sat there and cried. She didn’t believe me . In fact the only one that did was Derek. Reynaldo was on the fence and Mary needed proof . We all decided not to tell my aunt, we didn’t want to ruin her life . 

Derek had my back the next few days. I texted my uncle “I’m not coming back because of what you’ve done.” And I explicitly said things like “you should have never fucking molested me when I was kid .” “You have no right to hold you raping me Over my head.” And all he kept sending back was reply’s like “please come get your things” “it’s okay if you moved with your bf” and not even acknowledging my words . I sent screenshots to Derek and it was enough proof to put him completely over to my side . Anyone would deny it or say wtf are you talking bout. He didn’t. I showed Reynaldo and he started being more on my side . Mary was mad at me, it was my fault . 

Derek let me in to get my stuff , and he sat on the bed as I packed my things. My uncle had called me , he was on his lunch. Mary was in her room and I told Derek to be quiet . I put the phone on speaker and he was asking if I was there and if I was getting my things. I gave short answers . And he asked if I was alone and on speaker and I said I was alone and no he wasn’t . He began to apologize for what he did and that he didn’t want me to tell anyone still and I told him his apologies didnt matter , I would never forgive him and that if I choose to tell her I will he doesn’t get to decide that. Derek was recording this on video. We had proof . When I hung up, Mary had stormed out the house . She had heard the conversation, she had the proof she needed . I went home , and the next day got a call from Reynaldo , he was apologizing for seeming like he didn’t believe me . The night before he his dad and Derek went to a pool bar, and he saw his dad checking out girls who were visibly our age even younger . He was making comments about if he was you get he’d fuck them and he knew what I said was true. He was mad and just wanted to go home , and he told me Mary believed me but she needs time to herself . 

I’m 24 now. We never told my aunt . Me and Mary are no longer close, Derek is one of my roommates and Reynaldo is still close to me . I wish I did tell my aunt, I hate lying to her. She posts pics of the two of them on FB and I never like them. I scoff in disgust that he can live such a peaceful life after everything he’s fucking done. None of my family goes to there house anymore , so I feel okay knowing he’s not doing this to anyone else. I know my depression , anger issues and lack of trust came because what he did to me for so long. I’m taking it day by day.

I’ve typed this out multiple times. I’ve been a long time lurker of the sub hoping one day I could actually post my story. 

To my aunt I’m sorry. To Lisa, thank you for unintentionally making me feel safe. To my bf , thank you for helping me (were better than ever) and taking it one day at a time with me. To Derek thank you for believing me when no one was . Denise, thank you for everything , thank you for being there for me when it all went done from afar. To Reynaldo , I’m sorry but thank you for all you’ve ever done . To Mary, I know we don’t talk much anymore but I’m sorry for the pain that I’ve caused .

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Question 323,"Title: Raped by a couple when I was 13 (trigger warning)

Text: Before I start I want to give a big trigger warning for descriptions/details/emotions I might explain during this. It might also get a bit long and pretty detailed so be warned.

I guess i'll start by saying that this is my first time ever talking about this and nobody in my life even knows I was raped.

I'm 22 now. When I was 13 me and my parents moved to a new house fairly far from where we lived before so I was kind of in the process of making new friends. Well one day I met this friend, she was around my age and I went to her house for the first time. We got a long pretty well but we didn't really click as friends, but I actually got along with her older sister (lets call her C) a lot better. Quick explanation, as a kid I always seemed to make friends better with people a little older than me by like a few years and even though C was 18 (a lot older than most people I usually make friends with) It didn't really bother me and didn't seem to bother her either.

Well a couple of weeks went by and I started hanging out with C and not her younger sister around my age anymore, and this is where it all started.

One day we were hanging out and she  brought up things like asking if I have a boyfriend and I said no, but then she asked if I was straight and I told her I didn't know. She then told me something along the lines of ""well why don't we kiss and you can find out"" and so I kissed her. Keep in mind this was my first ever kiss so it was a huge deal to me at the time, I loved it and instantly from then on considered myself to be bisexual, but I didn't tell her that because in my mind I was thinking ""well maybe if I tell her that I still don't know if i'm straight or not, she'll let me keep kissing her"" And that eventually turned into us making out multiple times every time we'd hang out.

Eventually though I admitted to her that I'm bi. After that she admitted that she had a huge crush on me too and I admitted the same to her. She then asked me to be her gf and I gladly said yes, but then she told me she has a boyfriend(lets call him D) too. It took me a little bit to understand, but she basically explained to me that they were in a closed relationship, but open to being in a closed triangle relationship (ie. a three person closed relationship) She said to me that i'd need to meet him first though and i'd have to get to know him too if we were all going to be in a relationship together.

Fast forward a few days and it was the day that I finally met D for the first time. Now i'm assuming C didn't really explain to D that I was 13 because he seemed a little shocked at first and started asking me things along the lines of ""now are you sure you want to date us? we're a lot older than you"" (im paraphrasing because I cant remember the exact words, but it was along those lines) and I remember saying that I don't care at all how much older than me they were because in all honesty I felt like an equal to them and not like what it was with me still being a kid around two adults C being 18 and D actually being 21.

Now this post is already very long so i'll try to give the short version from here on out, but basically during the very first time that I met D, after I explained to him that I didn't care about their age and that I was sure I wanted to date them...we had sex, I lost my virginity with both of them and from then on out I thought we were in a relationship.

After that I was hanging out, having sex and doing MANY different sexual acts and even kinks with them pretty much every day I would often get out of school, go to D's place where all three of us would fuck.

The entire ""relationship"" if you can even call it that went on for over a year. Eventually all three of us broke up all on good terms because D had to move away for work and C had to move to a new school both in different states.

Here's where I want to give another trigger warning before I go any further because some of the things i'm going to say might be VERY touchy subjects for some people.

While dating them I knew that technically they weren't allowed to be sexual with me because they were adults and I wasn't, but at the time I didn't really see it as rape because it my mind I wanted it and felt mature enough to make those decisions. Although as I got older I started to figure out that I wasn't as mature as I thought back then and that they were both just taking advantage of me and raped me not just on a daily basis, but also did some VERY fucking kinky things to and with me.

Now...last trigger warning, be warned. Even though yes, it was a little upsetting to me to learn as I got older that I was raped by two people who meant the world to me in that time of my life, but i'm glad it happened. I enjoyed every moment of it and even eventually developed a rape kink from what they did to me among many many other kinks that I developed from the many different things and kinks we partook in while we ""dated"" 

My reason for positing this is pretty much only because I've never told this to ANYONE, not my closest friends, not any partner i've had since, nobody and just wanted to admit/be open about it for the first time. And even though yes, I did get a little ""excited"" typing out some parts of this post, that's not the reason why i'm posting.

Now days i'm a very sexual person, very kinky, very little limits and very open sexually which I think is all due to what they did to me but even now after all this time, I still see that as a good thing to come from what they did to me.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","childabuse_endangerment_past,rape_past"
Question 324,"Title: Is it rape?

Text: I suggested it, because I knew he would hurt himself if I didn't do anything. I felt like I couldn't say no. He also had me pin him down even though I didn't want to. I also sucked him off, and touched him. He says that I pressured him. I feel like I couldn't say no, but I don't know if it counts.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_past
Question 325,"Title: Found out in social media

Text: I follow younger cousin of my husband in social media. She made a post about how she felt and mentioned she been raped and doesn't want to be raped again. That is going to be scary without the option of abortion.

The post was made about 3 months before I saw it. I felt terrible that I was with her immediate family for a 4 day trip and didn't know about it. The family have a group in FB that I all not part of. I'm not into fb. So I thought I missed there memo. And really felt terrible that I was not able to extend sympathy, empathy and support. I sent message to her, mom and their closest aunt that I was very saddened and that I just learned about it.
The aunt ( second mom of her mom, confidant) pretended she didn't know about it. But then when I showed proof where I saw it, admitted it anyway. The mother said she appreciate the note, but doesn't know how to respond.
I asked my sis in law about it if we she knew, and forgot to tell me. she was shocked and sent message to the Mom too.

Now, very late that night. The cousin sent me a message of how mad she is because i shared the info to her mom, Aunt and my sis in law and assumed I told everyone already. That it is being spread now like gossip.

I am clueless now what's going on. But definitely breaking my heart.

I am confused by the reactions. The cousin(victim) have over 900 followers on that social media. The way she talked about it sounded like it happened a long time ago. Very casual. Like somebody who already moved on past it and healed. She just recently graduated high school. 

The mom and aunt. Are they hiding this? Are they upset that I now know this info? Aunt said she didn't know cousin posted it in social media. Do they not want support? 

I am very concerned now if cousin is getting support from adults in her life. It sounds like she don't.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
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Question 326,"Title: I think my husband raped me

Text: How do I stop this from happening again? 
My husband has always enjoyed having sex with me or foreplay whilst I am asleep or drunk. I very rarely get really drunk as I don’t want to be in a situation where I can’t remember anything. However over the last 12 years I have woke up countless times to my underwear down and him inside me either his fingers or his penis. I will say no, sometimes he will come out but  a lot of the time he will continue telling me but you like it your wet or oh come on you know you want it etc. however last week we had been out for a meal and a few drinks but I was not drunk just a bit tipsy. I have been having a hard time at the minute and not sleeping working 40+ hours a week etc so I was exhausted. He was talking about having sex and I said no I didn’t want it tonight I was too tired. I remember going to bed and waking up with his fingers inside me, I said no get off but he continued and I just fell back asleep but managed to turn onto my back thinking it would make it harder for him. But he flung me over quite aggressively and started smacking me saying wake up wake up you want me. I said no go away I don’t want this I’m tired and turned over again. He flung me over again and started smacking my face again hard and then forced himself into me thrusting hard. 
I’ve spoken to him about this in the past and said if I don’t say yes you can’t do it and he said ok he wouldn’t do it again but he keeps continuing to do it and I fear he is going to get worse and more violent as time goes by. 

I want to stop this, I can’t leave I don’t have the money and we have three children that I don’t want to uproot. 
He doesn’t understand or care that no means no.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
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Question 327,"Title: Raped by my boyfriend's dad

Text: I'm 16 and I was staying with my boyfriend and his parents for a few days while my parents were out of town and when he and his mom were out his dad raped me. I don't know what to do, every time I go there I have to see him and act normal but I'm so scared. He's my boyfriend's idol, I don't know if he'll believe me if I tell him.

Edit: please stop saying report it, he's a well respected cop and I have no proof it was rape and everyone will think I cheated on my boyfriend with his dad and that would ruin my life.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","childabuse_endangerment_past,rape_past"
Question 328,"Title: Having trouble figuring out if this is sexual harassment or assault or not…

Text: I don’t want to go on a long tangent so I’m just gonna get to it quick cause it’s also a bit difficult to talk about the second occurrence.

First occurrence: me and my gf were making out. She was on top of me I was mostly laying down. She pulled my penis out from my pants and pulled her pants down a bit and revealed her vagina. She then looked at me for approval , as she was suggesting sex. I said no. She slowly moved it more towards her vagina as I kept looking at her and saying no. As I kept saying no, she eventually brought my penis to touch her vagina. It looked like she really wanted to and she wasn’t listening and I thought she probably was going to anyway, so I just sighed and said “fine but only for a couple seconds.” This was because we did not have any condoms so it would have been unprotected sex. She rode for a couple seconds before I said alright and picked her up and set her down next to me. I didn’t think anything of it, but when I told my friend they suggested it was full on rape, which surprised me I guess cause I wasn’t particularly scarred by it or anything and I didn’t think intentions were ill, but I also suppose being a male may have contributed to me thinking it would have been dumb to feel bad about it. Not trying to make myself sound like a victim by saying that or anything, just what happened.

Second occurrence: she broke up with me after months of toxicity from her (long story but some of the story is posted on here on this acc if u want to see). Two days later she wanted me to come over to have sex with her. She was at her friends house that I had never been to. I’m not gonna lie I did feel like I was being a bit used for sex. I kept saying no and that I didn’t want to do it. She then said she was going to make out with her friend if I didn’t come over and have sex with her. She then promised that she might if I didn’t come over (promises had a big meaning in our relationship where they couldn’t be broken). I kept saying I didn’t really want to but when she started suggesting she would make out with her friend, I caved. I eventually said fine. She knew it was something I would have hated cause it had been discussed in our relationship before but only a couple times. She said it so that I would go have sex with her, which worked. I didn’t feel too terrible at first but I did feel used which was a poor feeling. Shortly after, she broke up with me again. Then a couple weeks later I saw a video of her kissing that friend on a private snap. I really don’t know how to explain it but having felt used for sex and then saying she wouldn’t do the thing that would hurt if I had sex with her and then doing it anyway, idk I’ve just been struggling with sex feeling meaningful anymore cause of it I think which is difficult for me cause sex was always a very special thing to me. She’s the only person I’ve had sex with and also the person I lost my virginity to. But the last bit about her kissing her friend is kind of irrelevant to the question. When I talked to my therapist about this, she suggested it was almost sexual assault in a way, which blew my mind. I didn’t even think it could have been that. I mean at the end of the day it’s still my fault and I consented right?

She also keeps sending unsolicited nudes despite me asking her to stop and saying no before hand but I suppose that’s also irrelevant to the question, but thought may have been relevant to the topic.




So, does anyone think either of these are cases of sexual harassment, sexual assault, or even rape? Any thoughts would be appreciated as I’m very confused but thinking too much about the second scenario leaves me hurt a lot. Thank u.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
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Question 329,"Title: Not sure why I did it now.

Text: Cut myself again today. Only one though, not too bad. It feels weird because I'm not even sure I really wanted to do it. I was thinking about it earlier when I felt really shitty, but by the time I got around to doing it I just treated it as almost just another task. Wasn't feeling particularly depressed or self-hating; at least, not more than normal. Feels very weird now. Can't really figure out now if cut myself as a punishment like I thought it was or just to do it. No real point or question to this post, just nowhere else to share it

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 330,"Title: Do you guys ever dream of self-harm

Text: When I was in highschool I would bruise my midsection. I haven't for going on 10 years I think but every once in awhile I'll still dream that I'm doing it usually if I get like a stomach ache or something. 

I'm just wondering if anybody else has dreams like that.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_past
Question 331,"Title: I'm getting vaccinated at school, how do i avoid people seeing my scars?

Text: Every year at my school kids get vaccinated in the library for things like tetanus and hepatitis. It's in front of your entire homeroom and even if you skip that day, they come back a few months later and you have to get it done then. Over the summer i started cutting my upper arms, exactly where they put the needle and i have been trying to think of a way for no one to see my scars, but I can't. Do i ask for them to do it somewhere private? But even then they will see my scars and tell my parents. Do i ask them to put it somewhere else? What if that doesn't work, what do i do then? I'm freaking out because it's happening in less than a month and there is literally no way around people seeing them. Please help.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_past
Question 332,"Title: Is it healing ok??

Text: I cut myself yesterday (about 24 hours ago) and it’s the deepest I’ve ever gotten. I think I hit the area where I start to see a little fat peeking out? Anyways, I’ve been religiously checking it and putting bandaids on it. I’ll show a picture if I can, but I noticed that it hasn’t scabbed up yet? It’s not bleeding a ton into the bandage, but it’s not dry yet. My other cuts scab fairly quickly, but I don’t put bandaids on them. Should I be worried?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 333,"Title: how to clean ?

Text: I broke my 10 days streaks fuck :/ anyway let's try again 

So , all I do is I wait till the bleeding stops and then I clean it with a cotton + antiseptic and then I put a bandaid ...but it's hurting idk if anything else I can do also even after cleaning em I can still sea the thick blood from the cuts but its not in a continuous flow ..God I suck at explaining lmao


Damn I don't wanna get infected anymore 😕

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 334,"Title: keeping it sterile with other people around?

Text: i live mostly by my own, however during the weekends my parents and my sister come visit me and they stay some nights. this isn't usually a problem as i can just put on jackets or wear my long sleeved hoodies, however just a few days ago i made some cuts that reached styro. i kept it bandaged the days i could but now that they're here i have to do with just a jacket. any ideas on how i can keep it bandaged or with a gauze applied so they don't notice? if it helps the cuts are on my forearm near to my elbow

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 335,"Title: Idk how im supposed to feel

Text: I started cutting years ago, not deep or anything, just scratches with safety scissors or pencils. I started cutting again though. This time for real, not to dermis but thorough cuts. Ive had so many emotions running through my head now. At first i felt horrible, like i had ruined my life, then my paranoia, scared i had hit an artery and i would die. Then later in the dat i felt like i loved cutting. Like it was the best thing ive done in forever and i couldnt wait for a time that I could actually hurt myself. And i did. Now im left with a weird conflict. I love cutting myself, its fun, exciting, an effective outlet for a bit. But I know all of thats not a good reason to do it, its fun and exciting only for a while, then the fear and depression comes back. I wanna cut myself so bad but i feel so ashamed of myself, and I feel like im not even cutting myself right. Like im not cutting deep or fast enough, its stupid. I feel stupid, everything feels terrible right now.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 336,"Title: does scratching an arm with scissors count as self harm?

Text: I've been dealing with depression and anxiety for a while, and it was only a few months ago when I really cut myself. I took a pair of scissors and dug into my should, not too hard like light-ish scratches that healed over the summer with tiny scarring. I don't self harm becasue I'm suicidal, but to rather ground myself back into reality. It feels liberating in a way But I don't do it often. I was clean for 3 months, but I relapsed tonight. I scratched my shoulder up with some scissors, they were kind of dull so it didn't exactly break skin, but it's inflamed and burning like any other cut. I guess I'm wondering if it counts as self harm? I've been around people who tell me my situation is not much compared to theirs and that my feelings aren't as deep/I'm not depressed enough. I'm really working hard to get away from it, I downloaded the counter day app and I've been using my healthier coping skills more, tonight just was weird.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 337,"Title: relapse into SH

Text: its been on/off, but now it only happens when things are not going well. which is apparently often lol. but it does help with coping with stress & depression & anxiety & loneliness & failed relationships & the void, etc etc. to me, it feels like crying, but better. its a way that i can feel something other than the dread & monotonous drone of everyday life. i feel like i have control though. but life has just been unfortunate.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 338,"Title: New Interview with Evolutionary Psychologist David Buss about the Roots of Sexual Harassment

Text: Hi all! I had the special opportunity to host Dr. David Buss in conversation about his new book, set to release next week: 𝑾𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝑴𝒆𝒏 𝑩𝒆𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝑩𝒂𝒅𝒍𝒚: 𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑯𝒊𝒅𝒅𝒆𝒏 𝑹𝒐𝒐𝒕𝒔 𝒐𝒇 𝑺𝒆𝒙𝒖𝒂𝒍 𝑫𝒆𝒄𝒆𝒑𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏, 𝑯𝒂𝒓𝒂𝒔𝒔𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑨𝒃𝒖𝒔𝒆.   

His team sent me an early copy of the book, and it's incredibly insightful about one of the most important topics to understand. It's a great experience to hear him discuss the psychology of all of this and I'm happy to share it with you!  

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4D4L5bpXs4](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4D4L5bpXs4)

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 339,"Title: No caller id

Text: One month ago, I got a call from no caller id at 6:20 am. Out of curiosity, i answered and it was just a guy moaning. I was trying to ask him who is this but no answer, just more moan. He called again 20 min later and the same thing happen; just a guy moaning. He called again 1 hour later and just the same thing happen. I tried to hang up, but he would call me until i would pick it up.

I had shift the morning after and I was talking about it with my friend at work. He told me it happens sometimes that just random people just call and moan. So after that i didnt think so much about it, since i believed it was just some random pervert.

Until yesterday. I got a call at 2 am and i answered and just a guy moaning. I could tell it was the same guy. I just hung up. He called again and I declined, but he kept on calling. I decided to answer but not say a word. After 30 seconds, he said my nickname, which not a lot of people use. Then i freaked out, because it is somebody that I know. I said who is this, and he just kept on moaning and said my real name, then it sounded like he had an climax and then he hung up. 

I have no idea what to do, since now, it is somebody that I know and somebody that knows my nickname. I could not think of anyone, except people that I work with and used to work with, because my nickname is mostly used there or somebody that I told that the people I work with call me this name. 

What should I do ?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_ongoing
Question 340,"Title: Childhood experience - Was this inappropriate?

Text: I'm a 30 year old woman and there's been an incident from my childhood which I remember made me uncomfortable but I don't know why and if it's justified, till today. Would like some opinions on this! 

I was 9 years old and there was a substitute male teacher in school for gym class at school. I think he would have been in his twenties. One day, since it was raining and we couldn't use the fields, the class was made to read our books quietly in class. This male teacher then called me out to his desk. When I went there, he looked at me in the eye and said quietly ""[my name], you are a very beautiful girl, so you gotta take care of yourself"" I immediately felt my skin crawl as that was the first time receiving a compliment like that from a grown man and it did not feel right somehow? My young mind wondered what he meant by having to take care of myself because I was beautiful. 

Since then, I felt very uncomfortable around him. Thankfully his stint as our substitute ended soon after. I remember refusing to say goodbye to him even when he came specially to me to say bye.

Was this inappropriate?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 341,"Title: Sexual harassment

Text: Something happened at work between two co-workers and was captured on security cameras. Two employees had their iPhones charging next to each other. One man and one woman. When the woman employee left the area, the man (having previously spied and memorized her password), logged into her phone and quickly scrolled through her photographs and found some of her in her underwear. He had his camera ready on his phone and snapped the photos he wanted. He would put her phone down when she walked near him and as soon as she left the area he did it again. Was this considered sexual harassment? Was this theft? Should he loose his job?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 342,"Title: How to heal?

Text: This past week I reported a coworker for sexual harassment and he ended up quitting after meeting with HR.

I’m glad that he’s now gone but how do I heal? I’m terrified I might see him in public or he might try to visit the workplace although he’s not allowed to. And honestly I’ve just been feeling down by the whole situation

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_past
Question 343,"Title: What should I do?

Text: I was sexually harassed by my boss for years and never spoke up because of fear and intimidation. My boss routinely thanked me for not telling. There is no HR so there is no one to talk to that would care to listen. All meetings had to be arranged thru the boss and I was forbidden from talking to anyone. It is a very small company and HR is outsourced to a different state. My boss was also accused of sexual harassment at his last job.

One day my boss asked if I kept a little black book of all the harassment. I had considered it several times but did not and I told them I did not. I was then sent home and received a phone call saying I was fired. Do I have a leg to stand on or am I just completely screwed? I am broke and jobless and the company is owned by millionaires. I feel so ashamed, depressed and utterly helpless. I don't want this to continue to happen to my coworkers. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_past
Question 344,"Title: I see a lot of teens talk about suicide

Text: And I’d like to feel like I’m not alone being 30 and constantly thinking about it. Are you guys out there?!

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 345,"Title: I want out of this nightmare.

Text: I am 33, male, 5'6 and 119 lbs. I lost a lot of weight due to some strange malabsorption issue possibly due to Celiac Disease, I didn't know I was sensitive to gluten and it damaged my small intestines which resulted in malabsorption, horrible stomach pain, weight loss, and diahhrea/constipation. I am now on a gluten free diet trying to recover and gain weight which is impossible for me. Some of my idiotic family members are accusing me of not eating and it just angers me, because I eat like any other normal person. They had a stupid intervention and had the nerve to tell me I look ""skeletal"" and that they are concerned for me. I eat..... I eat but I cannot gain weight and its not my fault...... They do not understand...

I also have 24/7 chronic chest pain or discomfort that mimics the sensation of a heart attack because it often feels like a heavy pressure sitting on my chest, but if I go to the emergency room, my ECG is ""normal"" and the doctors belittle me. It's a terrifying sharp stabbing sensation on my left chest that worsens with upper torso/arm movement and it triggers the worst panic attacks in the world. The doctors just think its anxiety, but they don't realize I never had issues with anxiety until this strange chest pain sensation started. This chest pain started a month after I had surgery for another issue of testicle pain. 

I have testicle pain due to a ""varicocele"" which randomly tortures me at random times. The blood vessels would swell and get very painful. I did the surgery to treat this, but I think I am having more complications from the surgery which caused this mysterious chest pain because they put implants in my body that alter the way blood flows through my veins. I regret getting that surgery and I think it has caused permanent complications and unpleasant sensation in my body and I will never get the feeling of being normal again. 

I have always wanted to live my life, I know how to live life, I just cannot live with this quality of life that I am suffering from right now. I have constantly prayed to God above, and I have patiently waited and still nothing good comes. I have even prayed that God take me in my sleep because I know I don't have what it takes to kill myself, even though I do strongly do not want to exist in this world anymore.

I love myself, I love the way I look, I am still young, I know how to treat people, I know I could go out there and get a job and do the daily things that normal people do, its just I cannot do it with this torturous health condition that leaves me in a world of pain, anxiety, panic, isolation, and stops me from having friends and truly living life in peace. To have a body that doesn't hurt is all I have ever asked, and that is all I want, and I will never get to enjoy the pleasure that so many people in the world take for granted and do not truly understand what real pain is. 

I lost all of my family sadly, and only have a grandmother and a golden retriever dog, that is all the family I have left in this world. 

I just wish I could lay back in my bed, go to sleep, and not wake up. I am so done living in a body that tortures me. Please God above.... just make it stop... I am not living.... I am just eating and existing to stay in my torture chamber body longer. I spend my days doing everything to survive, and I kept praying that ""one day I will get better or recover"" and I can tell that will never happen. My hope is gone. The only hope I had was that maybe one day Christ would return to this Earth and save us from this horrible world especially with todays political nonsense and chaos, and save us ordinary people from the horror of rotting and getting old and then dying with dementia. I really hate how cruel God made this world... I don't think anyone can say anything to ""cheer me up"" I really hate this place.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 346,"Title: I might have testicular cancer

Text: I wish I could know for sure. There is a lump on my right testicle though. 

My parents won’t help me out. I’m 20 and was never taught how to make a doctor’s appointment. 

I wish I could just die. I wish it were easy. I wish life was easy. 

I need help but don’t know where to go. I want help but can’t find it.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 347,"Title: I decided that I will give myself around 2 and a half years to decide if I still want to kill myself

Text: Still have to get some things done in this time. But after that I'm free to kill myself and I'll also be around the age my best friend killed himself. I know that a lot can change in this time, and no matter what I won't do it until then. I'm hoping things will change for the better until then.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 348,"Title: I almost wish people would leave me so I could kill myself without worrying about their reactions

Text: Not sure who people is. Every day I realize more and more how little people care about me. It could be me overthinking, trying to cope with stress somehow, but yeah that obviously doesn’t work well. I’m starting to go through age regression too. I don’t remember much of my child hood, only because I didn’t have much to remember of it. It was the same thing every day.
Is it selfish to want to leave the world so early? I don’t want to leave everyone here but I don’t feel like I belong here either. If there’s a heaven, that’s where I want to be right now. I have been alone all my life. I want my ancestors to comfort me and connect with me everyday for eternity. We can walk and talk together and stick with each other for ever, I just want to see them now. I’m ready to go. Maybe I won’t kill myself but I wouldn’t mind someone else doing it for me. 
I don’t particularly believe in hell. Humans are separated from each other every day on earth, here in the real world, so why should we be separated between hell and heaven? We should be reunited. 
I want a purpose. I don’t have one here. I want an Angel wether it has an eagle or a lamb for a head or it’s a wheel with eyes everywhere, okay what ever, I want them to give me a purpose. Help me. 

I’m tired 
Also trying to find religion by practicing Judaism. I grew up very secularly. I think that is the only thing that will save me. My parents support me, but they’ve never cared to help out. I’ve spent all holidays by myself. Trying to do it by myself. I need some guidance, but I’m so alone 
I don’t know what to do. Gosh I need a therapist (and NOT. A counselor) and a rabbi to talk to. 
I’m just destroyed that my family doesn’t care for anything about myself. Idk how to phrase it im sleep deprived. Yeah uh know one cares for me, not even my gf of almost two years… this living thing isn’t for me. I would gladly live anywhere besides this universe.. or multiverse idk.
I’ll edit this when I have some sense but I just want someone to read about my story now because I know I won’t post this if I just save it to drafts 
Okay bye

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 349,"Title: why should i live

Text: i don't even want to be happy. i just want to be able to stop trying. i know i'm weak but i'm sick of struggling with shit people around me live through.

i fucking hate the word potential so much. i dont fucking care. i hate it

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 350,"Title: Exhausted

Text: I had a mental break down last week. Admitted my suicidal thoughts. Was comforted about them from my wife an coworkers. But nothing changed. The stress, the impending failure, the never measuring up. I can’t do this anymore. Suicide sounds like such peaceful end. No more of this. I’m gonna floor it an let the car crash. No seatbelt and my music blasting. I love you princess, family, friends. But I’m too tired.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 351,"Title: Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh

Text: AaaasaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 352,"Title: I'm Struggling

Text: Recently I have been struggling with a lot. I have Anxiety, depression and a few more that I'd rather not say, I've been suicidal for 6+ years and it's been slowly coming back. (have tried to kill myself before but failed )

For the last week or so I have been feeling extremely suicidal, everywhere I look I see a way to die...jump out the window, overdose on medication, hang myself, drown in the bath and much more.

I always try and look at the positives but soon the negatives will prove stronger.

Is there anything that would make me feel better or a way to ignore my feelings and focus on things that matter?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 353,"Title: I can't take being alone anymore.

Text: You're probably all going to think I'm a pathetic loser. It's okay. I get it. You'd be right. I'm incredibly isolated and lonely right now. I have a couple friends, but what I really want is a girlfriend. I want love so badly. I just want someone to love me for who I am. I also want to love someone else for who they are. It's all I want right now, so why does it have to be so hard? Don't get me wrong. I don't think I'm entitled to a relationship or sex. I don't blame others for my loneliness. I only have myself to blame because I'm a freak. I'm on the autism spectrum, I have depression and OCD, and I'm generally mentally unstable. I have nothing to offer a woman, either. I'm not attractive, smart, tough, or well-off. I'm a fucking loser. LOSER! I'm even introverted and shy, too. I'm terrified of people because they all either ignore me or treat me like shit for being weird. It's been that way my whole life. Despite how shy I am, I recently decided to try online dating after being talked into it by my friend. It's all the same, though. It's nothing but a bunch of people ignoring me no matter what say. I'm trying the best I can to be considerate and true to myself on there, but I'm probably wasting my time. Believe me, I REALLY tried the hardest I can. I fucking hate OLD. It's so emotionally draining that I don't feel like doing anything besides sleeping all day and night.

&#x200B;

I know what you're going to say. ""You need to love yourself!"" ""You need to work on yourself!"" ""Oh, you'll find someone someday!"" I can't love myself. It's impossible. I'm disgusting, ugly, useless, and nobody wants me. I'm just like garbage. I've BEEN working on myself for years, actually. I go to therapy twice a week and I take a cocktail of different medications to combat my depression and OCD, but it's not working. Now I'm convinced that my life will suck no matter how much I try to resist. Finally, I seriously doubt that I'll find someone. If I were even able to, then it probably would have happened by now. I fucking failed at life! I suck!

&#x200B;

The pain of having nobody to love/be loved by is starting to become unbearable. I don't think I can take much more of this. I've been through a lot. My parents divorced when I was a baby, I was emotionally and physically abused as a kid, and my older sister killed herself last May. There comes a time when you just want to give up. Lately, I've been trying to come up with a good way to kill myself, but I'm having trouble doing so. I could try overdosing on some over-the-counter pills, but that wouldn't be instantaneous. I could hang myself, but there's nowhere in my place to tie a rope. I really want to shoot myself in the head, but considering my history of depression and suicidal ideation (not to mention my stay at a mental institution last year), acquiring a firearm would be difficult. Right now, I'm thinking of jumping off a bridge or building, but I'm too much of a fucking coward to go through with it. If anyone has any good ideas on how I can kill myself quickly, then that would be greatly appreciated.

&#x200B;

I just want to cry. I feel so empty inside that I think I going to be sick. I want someone to hug me and care about me. Let's all be honest here, though. No one actually cares about me. No one cares that I'm suicidal. No one cares about my problems. NOBODY FUCKING CARES. The world is an ugly, uncaring place full of self-absorbed, shallow people. Barely anyone cares about others and there's no real incentive to care. I wish the world would just end. That way, me and all the other horrible people would finally be gone.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 354,"Title: My Times Running out

Text: I'm not sure where to start or how to even explain it because no one really understands what's going on with me.

I'm depressed for a multitude of reasons and I hear voices in my head. I'm in a marriage in which I'm sure my wife fucking hates me and who can blame her? I don't have anyone to talk to and when I try I get the ol' ""you're a man though, just suck it up dude."" I'm at my end here, I'll probably just swallow a bunch of sleeping pills one of these nights. My son will miss me but he doesn't live with me so it will be somewhat easier. What's the point of living anymore and why is it such a curse for some of us?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 355,"Title: I Freaking Outed Myself

Text: I got so brain-numb from depression that I told my mom everything. I only realized what I was doing halfway through, and I thought “Well, the only way out is through.”

My mom knew I SH, but she didn’t know I was still trying SH, even when she never lets me be alone. I’m really freaking disappointed in myself, and I bet I’ll just get even less freedom. Anyone have any advice on what to do? I really don’t know at this point. I’ve even called the Trevor Project several times, and all they’ve helped me do is delay the urges.

So far I’ve tried and failed to cut myself like seven times, but I successfully bite, scratch, and punch myself occasionally if that helps you to think of some advice for me. My support group has collapsed, and this is really the only place I’ve got that could have some helpful advice. I won’t even have a therapist until next week.

My mom may wanna help me, but she’s just taken away my freedom and literally told me that wanting to SH was my fault. I wanna &%#$-ing stab myself so bad, but the razors wont cut me. What do I do?😢

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 356,"Title: Does anyone else feel like mental health professionals stigmatize people who self-harm (or who previously have) more than anyone? TW (mention of suicide)

Text: Between therapists refusing to meet with me and involuntary hospitalization, it often feels like mental health professionals stigmatize self-harm more than anyone. It can feel frustrating at times because the people who are supposed to be there to help so often will not give it without recommending extreme forms of treatment. Maybe they just don't understand just how serious it is to recommend (or coerce) mental health hospitalization or to push for the use of psychiatric medication. Or maybe they don't understand that self-harm *is not a suicide attempt and does not necessarily imply suicidal ideation.* Or maybe they see it as an opportunity to declare someone crazy as a means of making money off of them. I have noticed that, in general, I tend to feel much worse going out of mental health treatment than going into it, be it therapy or hospitalization. People who I interact with who are not mental health professionals, though, tend to not treat me differently based off of my use of self-harm (and they can usually see the scars). While I know that that is certainly not the case for everyone, or even most people, it just surprises me and perplexes me that at least in my life, the mental health professionals seem to stigmatize the people who do it so much more.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_past
Question 357,"Title: Unfixable problem

Text: You know this bullshit line you've probably heard million times?

""Permanent solution to a temporary problem""?

The problem is with me,I don't have any material struggles but when I wake up and I have to live another fucking day with nothing but anxiety and stress,why keep going?

I cannot stand myself,I don't want to look in the mirror,I don't want to even think of myself as a person that I am,because I'm a piece of human shit doing more bad than good.

I need to constantly blur my mind with music or some bullshit just to keep myself from thinking off shoving every pill I have in my drawer.

Is this what life is?

It's not like i'm even going anywhere,I've gave up on my last dreams probably half a year ago and I doubt I go past 20.

I'm having panic attacks at night just thinking about living another God awfull fucking day.

I can barely keep any care for myself,highest I can go is take a shower and that's it.I'm just tied to my bed,because afterall why should I keep taking care of something that will be gone soon?

Is there anything stopping me?

No.

And that's the fucking problem

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 358,"Title: I (19m) was raped over the weekend by another man, and I wish I was brave enough to end it all.

Text: On Friday I was out with some friends having a couple drinks in a nearby city, I was pretty drunk but not totally wasted and when I’m drunk I tend to get horny and make very stupid decisions. Anyway when my friends got the bus home I decided to see if there was anyone on Grindr (I’m gay btw) and there was a guy who looked pretty attractive and around my age and told me to go the hotel he was staying at and meet him outside. I went there and the guy was noticeably older than he seemed in his picture, and also just looked different in general.

Alarm bells are going off at this point but I’d missed the last bus home by then and I needed somewhere to sleep. So I went in and tried to avoid any sort of sexual encounter, but the guy keeps pressing and I eventually agree to jerk him off and do oral, but no anal- not just because I didn’t want to, but because im a “top” and have never been anally penetrated.

I’m midway through sucking him off when he grabs my whole body and puts me on my front. I keep asking him what he’s doing, telling him to calm down, and before I know it he’s stuck it in. I start screaming at this point, saying it hurts, I don’t want it, I don’t like it, and this goes on for like a minute before it’s almost like he came out of a trance and let me go.

I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. I texted my friend and got him to call me acting like there was an emergency and I made my exit. Then I spent the next 6 hours waiting for the first bus back home walking round the city and just feeling like an empty husk.

I feel so shit. I know people always say “it’s not your fault” but there was so many stupid mistakes I made and obvious safety issues that arised that I ignored because I was dumb and horny. I hate that I didn’t defend myself properly and just went on like a bitch. I never want to see that man again so I won’t go to the police, and my family have had enough trauma recently for me to put this in them too. I just feel awful and lonely and broken, I’ve barely eaten since Friday and my arms are covered in self harm scars. I’ve seriously considered ending my life several times since that night but I’m too much of a pussy. I feel like I’ve lost a part of myself forever. And sorry there hasn’t been too much rhyme or reason to this, I’ve just had all this on my mind all weekend without nowhere to put it so I thought I’d share it with people who might understand.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","rape_past,selfharm_ongoing,suicideideation_active_ongoing"
Question 359,"Title: I think I really don't fit in there

Text: I don't know why I help them, maybe I'm just feeling alone.

&#x200B;

I'm thinking to harm myself but every time I help someone I felt better. Idk why I'm so sorry that I'm a disgusting person because I'm helping someone for no reason or just to make myself better.

&#x200B;

I'll stop helping maybe I deserve to be alone.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 360,"Title: Depressed

Text: Has anyone else ever been so depressed, that you don’t even want to cut? Like it’s to much work to do it. Or it just isn’t satisfying? Or you feel like your depressions so bad you just wanna end it?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","selfharm_past,suicideideation_passive_ongoing"
Question 361,"Title: I left today

Text: Perhaps the least emotionally charged exchange we have ever shared between the two of us. For nearly two years now I have been buried beneath the insecurity and jealousy that had consumed me after my boyfriend had beat me outdoors in broad daylight. I’ve been on here a handful of times looking for strength and support only to wake up the next morning and call him myself. 

The jealousy comes from knowing that in his previous relationship he had never laid a hand on her. I would consistently pry as you why he was able to hurt me but not his ex. I feel like an evil person almost wishing that it had been something all his exes were exposed to, but deep down if there is any clarity or sense left in my brain I am thankful that harm never came to her - it just makes me feel as if there is something I had done to deserve it. 

I’ve left him tonight. Not because he had hurt me again but because as time continued I noticed that I became more resentful that he was now treating me kindly with respect and tenderness AFTER completely burning all of the bridges from him to my family/friends and hurting me. We had decided upon the last incident of physical abuse that he would no longer drink because he had been aggressive with me whenever he was drunk. Sometimes I lay at night and question what is compelling me to stay with a man who I would not be able to trust under the influence of alcohol, that I am fearful to drink with because I am doing all in my power to avoid a chokehold at the end of the night. 

I’ve been surrounded by my friends tonight. They have been talking to me on the phone up until I was convinced that I am tired - but once I am alone the flood of loneliness and desperation has began to sit in. But this time I hope to be better and smarter, and to instead share where I am at tonight here with a community who may also understand what I am going through. Today is day 1 without him.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_past
Question 362,"Title: I’m finally free! He’s not dead, but he is paralyzed from the neck down. I’ll never have to look over my shoulder again.

Text: While I would never wish this on anyone, I’m having a hard time keeping the glee out of my voice when speaking about this. He kidnapped me with intent to kill after I finally left him. Then stalked me mercilessly for a year no matter how far away I went. There was no help or laws against it at the time. For several years after, he would occasionally do things to let me know he was still around and watching.  I am always hyper vigilant. PTSD I suppose. He fell and injured his spinal cord. He can’t scratch his own nose. After 28 years I am finally free. Hallelujah!!

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_past
Question 363,"Title: Got beaten up while ten days postpartum

Text: I was left with a concussion and broken nose after I was beaten by my husband 10 days after having his baby. It isn’t the first time he has done that. My father witnessed the aftermath and couldn’t stand to see me like this. What would you do if you were put in a situation like this? If your a father, what would you do as well ?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_ongoing
Question 364,"Title: My unheard story

Text: I was 6 or 7 with my first memory of witnessing domestic violence as a child. Both my parents were immigrants in the United States, with a background from the middle east. my parents had gotten into an argument, and my father had thrown a drinking glass in my mom's direction, but thankfully it missed and hit the wall next to her. The authorities were called, and they took both my parents to the police station for statements. Before they left I had told them the exact truth of what had happened, little did I know id get a really bad beating by a 2x4 from my father's mother and his sister (who were also just visiting and didn't speak English but got the sense that I told the officers the truth), I cried myself to sleep hoping that I wouldn't wake up the next morning. 

The next big instance in my life was when I was 12 years old. One night I woke up to a really big argument in the living room of my house. I stepped out to find both my parents arguing about my mother finding a photo of another woman and my father on his phone. All I remember next is my father smashing a porcelain vase on my mother's head. Scared, I ran to my bedroom and hid under the covers, with my 8-year-old brother across from me in his own bed scared for his life as well. In those moments i was praying that the cops arrived before one of them killed the other, but my mother had only called them to report it after the argument was over, most of the furniture ripped by a sharp object, the new tv cord cut and my father missing. 

&#x200B;

You'd think the toxicity between these instances and my parents would at least make them stop seeing each other for my brother and I's sake, but no... 

They were still together and my childhood trauma grew as the years passed. 

At the age of 15, while my father was threatening to hit my younger brother I stepped in, only to find my 5'9 250-pound father over me pounding at my head. As a young scared kid, I struck him back, busting his lip. A pool of blood rushed my room and the living room. The moments that followed could have cost me my life, but instead, with my mother in between me and him, he grabbed my brand new electronics (Samsung galaxy s4 & ps3) & smashed them with a hammer and left the house.  

&#x200B;

The last and biggest incident happened in October of 2018. I was 19 at the time, as all teens do, they hang out with their friends, go to school and the movies. The premier night of Venom I headed home late at night, only to fund my toxic mom telling me not to answer any phone calls or open any door for my father. She was suspecting him of cheating again because he would never work that late at night. I followed her directions, until 10 mins of him trying to blow up everyone's phone and almost breaking the front door my mom let him in. I got in between and told them to stop. This aggravated him, which ended up with him throwing more things that were around the house (surprise-surprise, history does repeat itself). A glass vase was thrown at my face, shattering and leaving a 2-inch laceration near my lip. While all of this was going on, I caught him running to the kitchen to grab a lethal utensil, with me chasing right behind him. We ended up on the floor, grabbing and throwing fists at each other. The night ended with him leaving the house and the police being called long after the incident. I went to the emergency room to receive 7 stitches on my face which would leave a scar for the rest of my life.

&#x200B;

My father got charged with multiple charges in the state of New Jersey, including the domestic violence charge. If you are reading this, your family does not make you who you are. They do not define you or your future unless you let them, Today, I am 23 years old and about to receive my bachelor's degree (which I am very proud of), but the family problems still don't stop. Although my father is no longer part of my life, I have plenty of other family members who treat me as bad as my own parents did.

There have been days I wanted to give up. Everyone has those days, but it is up to you, your mind, and will power if you want to see better days.

&#x200B;

Cheers to all my domestic violence survivors, this one is for you, and never be afraid to speak up or seek help, wish someone would have told me this earlier.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","childabuse_endangerment_past,suicideideation_passive_past"
Question 365,"Title: Told Father to never speak to me again

Text:  

**Backstory:** About 5 months ago my dad's alcoholism became so bad my sister and I feared that he would hurt grandma since they live together. He and brother had been abusive in the past, when I was out of the states and got married, but when we moved back things got better. This was news to me but not surprising. Husband, my sister, surprisingly my brother (he's a bad person), and myself asked the religious leaders for help. They gave us spiritual encouragement and let us know where to look for resources concerning addiction and therapy. All around awesome help. Then went to talk to grandma and dad.

Apparently, physical abuse came to light when my sister had her interview with leaders. I never knew or saw any of it. Just all the medical stuff and my own experiences with his alcoholism. He must have gotten into a bit of trouble because he and grandma (his mother who enables it) stopped talking to Hus, sis, me.

**Current problem**: I get a call after 5 months of no contact. My dad needs keys to his storage locker, his friend wants to store his bike. I called him back saying I don't know where they are, but I'll look. He was belligerent. Then I see he left me a voicemail. Instead of deleting it I listened. It was 8 minutes of my dad and brother bashing me to my dad's friend. Mostly it was my brother, but my father pitched in here and there not correcting or stopping my brother. I can let it go that my dad said mean things because he's hurt over having the religious leaders involved even some of the lies, he said about me. What I cannot let go is that my brother accused me of stealing ""400 dollars"" worth of items from my dad's locker. Dad asked me to take whatever I wanted and sell those things for him. I made an itemized list asked what he wanted done with each item and did what he asked. A year ago. My dad never corrected him and basically all three talked about how horrible I am and that I committed a crime.

I bring the keys, husband at my side, and confront my dad. Told dad about the voicemail and wanted to come to a resolution, would he like to hear it, so he knows why I'm concerned. He became belligerent, screaming that I lied on him to the leaders, and he has no reason to correct brother since I'm the one who lied to them about beating his family. I told him that's not what I said or spoke about. That came from sister. I have no reason to lie, I wasn't there, so I didn't comment on any of that. I said I wasn't here to talk about any of that just about the fact that I was accused of a crime, and he did not tell the truth or correct the false slander made against me by brother.

I told him I tried to resolve this matter peaceably, but you brother have made it a legal one now. Don't contact me, or call me ever again, and remove me from all legal papers including wills and inheritance. I want nothing to do with him and nothing from him. I left. Now I feel helpless and like TAH because I said this. Even though I mean it.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 366,"Title: Restraining Order Granted

Text: I had my hearing today and his lawyer agreed to having a year restraining order and for him to attend a 52 week batterers prevention program. What the judge was ruling today was the issue of supervised visitations. 

We agreed to 6 weeks (once a week) professionally monitored visitations and if all goes well it would go to informal. He wanted his father to be the monitor but I was so uncomfortable about it because his father was dismissive of all the abuse. The judge ended up choosing his father and I am devastated. It’s doesn’t matter that he knew his son would verbally abuse our baby calling him names like stupid and little fucker. Or the fact that he threatened to throw him against the wall or bash his head in. His father said he wasn’t serious and that was that. 

Now he’ll get to see my son twice a week for 6 hours. I hate this so much. I’m not there to protect my baby and I feel so angered that it went this way. They both don’t know how to care for my son and I just have to hand him over. How does the court expect us to do this with our abusive partners and their enablers?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_past
Question 367,"Title: how do you tell your kids the hard stuff?

Text: i had to uproot my family to a shelter. found out today my injury from Wednesday is a broken fibula n he's out there playing victim and I still feel guilty. 🙃 😪 mainly over my kids (6, 4 & 9 months). They miss their dad. We have a non association order until trial and I'd only feel comfortable with supervised type visits bc I'm afraid he'd take them and not give them back. So my point being I doubt very much that they'll see him anytime soon and if family law says it's ok I'm relocating. I don't know how to approach it with my older 2 kiddos. I've already lied and said shelter is a hotel bc I was just in panic mode packing Thursday as he was obviously around our house messing with the locks (put pins in them so i couldn't lock them), leaving notes etc. 
Has anyone been in a similar situation and can offer advice? Thanks

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_ongoing
Question 368,"Title: I hate that he has such an upper hand that prevents me from leaving.

Text: I feel helpless. I know I need to get a job but then I get really depressed and have zero self-confidence. I haven’t worked full-time since my daughter was born in 2020…I sort of blew that last job since I let my rough pregnancy + postpartum months get the best of me. I tried doing a part time job in 2021 but the guy I was working for was so chaotic I had to quit. I have no confidence in anything, and I’ve realized the only reason some past employers have hired me is because I come off vulnerable and easy to take advantage of. At this point I hardly want to communicate with anyone outside of friends and family. If I had a good job right now and knew I’d be financially fine without my husband, it would be so much easier to leave. But I have no money or even a way to take care of our daughter without him. 

He uses this as the biggest weapon against me. He knows how low my self esteem is and how anxious I am about jobs. He says a lot of seemingly sympathetic things to make me feel fine about not working, but then of course cuts me down when he wants to. He constantly uses finances to make me feel guilty and controlled. He won’t even let me do therapy more than once a month even though our insurance covers a lot of it. He makes me feel bad about *any* spending, but then of course if he wants something, suddenly we’re doing fine.

I know I’m intelligent, but I just feel so broken and dysfunctional. I have bipolar disorder but I also think I have ADHD (inattentive type) that makes it hard for me to pick up new things, stay organized, do certain things quickly, and complete tasks. But I KNOW I need to get a good job to have a solid exit plan. I can’t let myself slip into this feeling of security with him again, because at this point it’s a sure thing he will use money and unemployment against me.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_ongoing
Question 369,"Title: Was this sexual harassment? Though I’m still disturbed and disgusted by this dirty old lady

Text: So over a year ago when I just turn (18m) my male parent had a girlfriend over the house from Florida (US) staying over, she looked to be mid 40s Female and looked like a used up plastic bag and like those actors who have plastic surgery.
We barely knew each other for like 3 days.

Anyway one day at night I guess they had a fight and she was left in the living room, when I head over to the kitchen she suddenly says my name loud and heads over to me crying and mumbling about stuff, thinking about I still get disgusted by  her ugliness and creepiness, 

It was weird enough for her to approach me and be crying and most likely was trying to guilt trip me into feeling bad for her.

Now at the time I had my own problems and was very nervous and wanted to be left alone and she knew that. And my parent must have told her (and I don’t like my parent talking to others about me so he violated boundaries)

So I wasn’t at the best at thinking nor mental state

Then suddenly she asks me if she can hug me, now I was already with a scared/wtf face the whole time but this really weirded me out, and she was pressuring me to do so. 
And looks like she was drunk as she smelled horrible

I DID NOT want to hug her at all, but I felt if I said no she might go wild or try to hurt me or kill me or I might hurt her very bad and be the one to blame.

But since my parent was literally right next to the living room sleeping I thought he would hear this and take over the situation and I thought it would be a short hug, and since she’s an adult I couldn’t think nothing much wrong could be done

Now after being forcefully to say yes she immediately hugs me and grabs my hand like I’m his fucking boyfriend. 
She kept playing like my hand grabbing up over and over and looking at me like we just made out. This heavily creeped me out and was shocked that an adult would treat me like this, I was beyond disgusted, she then started to feel me over by kept touching my hair and she was heavily breathing and smelling me over. 
Now she smelled disgusting and by this behavior I was so disgusted it was making me dizzy.
Now this hug went on for hours and I was so disgusted and visibly uncomfortable that it made me shake by its uncomfortableness.
She didn’t touch me anywhere “inappropriate” I guess she knew it was “illegal” so she took advantage to touch me as much as possible.

Then she starts telling me about her life story (like I care) that she was almost killed when she was a child and  her brother got abusive or whatever everyone got in an accident. 
I guess she was abused or do but she looks like became an abuser.
And again weirder me out.

She starts jumping up an down like a 12 year old and looking at me weirdly (I think she was trying to “charm” me and appear as she was 12 but I was with a disbelief look)

She then started to “confess” to me saying how much she likes me, felt like she was trying to make me his replacement boyfriend, as she kept calling “babe” that’s what he called his boyfriend, now THAT WAS DISGUSTING. 

I never want a girlfriend and the fact she was trying to force that it was a big fucking Nono to me

She then starts trying to insistently invite me over to places she said she wanted to invite me to a hotel, or a dark hill on the night, or her house and she suddenly wants to “do stuff with me”.
I felt and was pretty much obvious she was implying she wanted to rape me. 
To take me somewhere and do that 
Though she knew in the back on her mind that what she was doing was wrong most likely.

She then offers me a massage and again felt like had to accept, and at this point I’m starting to lose my patience. 
She then uses this chance to feel my body as much as possible and I’m about to lose it, most of the time I had to fake my face expression but I think I was looking angry so she suddenly stopped.

After that ends The next couple of days whenever I would leave my room she would just be sitting down there pretending not to wait for me to come out.

The next day I was fucking furious, at the time it didn’t bother me much but next day I woke up with a rage of furious.

I told my parent about what his girlfriend did to me and he just laughed at me, to my face, he thought it was funny.

I brought the topic up a couple of times later and keeps laughing about it and is in denial about it
(He has denialism most likely) 

And he said even if she did touch me “inappropriate” would have said to her to not do that.

Yeah…great parenting skills… 

She thinks I had a “moment” with her, whatever the fuck that means.
I was having a difficult time and she consciously KNEW about this and took advantage of that, like she gonna “take care oh poor me” this dirty old lady thought. I fucking spit on that thought everyday.
And looks like she knew I just turn 18 (fucking moron parent) yeah great way to start the new age like that really shows the colors.


(Now personally at this point I lost a lot respect of my (M) parent since he has let me down most of my life, and at this point it pretty much sealed it for me, he’s a horrible parent and a coward losing all respect and not only no longer seeing him as “family” but a weird moron loser I’m living with that cannot be trusted)


Now I’m FUCKING FURIOUS AND DISGUSTED ABOUT this. I felt I got taken advantage of.
I tried talking to the website RAINN and they told me this was wrong but  I only get Pity pats on the back from them, but apparently they don’t deal with legal stuff.
They gave me a couple of phone numbers but they never call back.

I did speak to someone law related but apparently there’s nothing that can be done, even if I was 17.


Honestly shit haunts me everyday and I don’t want to think about this fucking disgusting every moment everyday i wake up with a disgusting feeling from my hand and feeling I don’t want to be touched and I’m disturbed by the word hug every time I use it.

My parent and the “law” didn’t see anything wrong, I’m at a loss at this.
At this point it’s pretty much wanting me to hunt her down for fucking violating me like that
I don’t know what else to do I want that fucking skank to have consequences for her actions  and I don’t want that dirty old lady to get away with this 
I want her fucking locked up and register to ex offender since I got a strong feeling she does molest little kids to and rapes them.

Neither my parent or laws see this wrong as I get cold and unsympathetic treatment though it did feel wrong I just can’t point it out.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_past
Question 370,"Title: idk what to name it honestly

Text: Okay so what my case is is that I am naturally a nice person. I am the typical guy who is to Nice in life, I often do things for others even if it isn't beneficial for me or makes me feel bad.

I want to change that for years now but I can't do that which makes me angry with myself. I think that's a good start for being a little less nice but the problem is that I am sort of unable to stay angry or to become like actually angry.

Do basically what I am struggling with is that I find myself in a loop of being to nice, becoming angry at myself, stop feeling angry after 2 minutes and so on.

It may sound vague because I don't tell this story very clear but I don't really care since I just want to vent a little but if you read this and understand what the issue is and why it is an issue and if you know what to do, then feel free to give advice

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 371,"Title: We are asking Congress to take action on the mental health crisis in America.

Text: Hey guys,

We are a group of high school students who are committed to solving the mental health issues of today through awareness and policy. The mental health crisis is one of the most prevalent issues facing the American population today, not only the youth. 

We are also compiling a list of candidate endorsements who are pledging to focus on mental health reform once they are inaugurated.

In fact, 1 in 5 American adults experience some form of mental illness each year (National Alliance on Mental Illness), while only 41% receive proper treatment (Mental Health First Aid). This is unacceptable, and we demand action now.

We’ve witnessed these problems in our own schools and neighborhoods, and we believe it is time for us as a country to step up and pass bold solutions to protect everyday people. 

We are also asking you to sign and share our petition (https://www.change.org/p/u-s-congress-pass-comprehensive-mental-health-legislation-now ) to ask Congress and the President to commit to comprehensive mental health reform to ensure that everyone has access to quality mental health care.

Thank you.

Edit: Thanks for the overwhelming support, we would never have dreamt of getting almost 350 upvotes in only one day. We have just started a GoFundMe in order to raise money to increase the awareness of this crisis on more platforms such as 
Instagram, Twitter, and Google. The link can be found at (https://www.gofundme.com/f/ask-congress-to-priortize-mental-health?utm_source=customer&utm_medium=copy_link-tip&utm_campaign=p_cp+share-sheet). Have a great day!

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 372,"Title: Do you want to cry & can not?

Text:  It's a terrible feeling. I want to cry, just let it out, but I can't. It feels like my soul is crying, but I just physically can't get it out. It's like I'm stuck with this pain forever and am not allowed to at least alleviate it in a way. I... just can't explain it... I listen to music, think of lost loves, lost family and only a tear will come. Thats it just a tear. Anger shows up a lot, not the tears.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 373,"Title: I'm so tired.

Text: I'm tired of acting like I'm ok. I'm tired of pretending to care what happens. I'm so damn tired of trying. But at the end of the day, I'll just grin and bare it. Go to work and keep putting on the fake smile.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 374,"Title: ""You're not alone""

Text: My fiance left me, and I encouraged her to take all of my family and friends with her when she left. I did so because I love her and want what's best for her. But since then, I've been utterly alone and estranged from everyone I know for 4 years. Just because other people are in a similar situation or have it worse, it doesn't mean that I am not alone. I am alone and will remain alone, so why do so many people tell me that I'm not? 

I stopped speaking to my mother about two years ago when she texted me this. I hear it in songs, I see it in help videos, I heard it from a counselor. But I'm the one with the mental problems, so why is everyone else delusional about my aloneness? It's so dismissive and infuriating.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 375,"Title: tierd and hopeless

Text: Lastnight I downloaded tinder and chatted with a few nice guys. I wasn't going to do it but I felt lonely and said fuck it. I'm still hurt from the breakup and miss him but I want love so I'm going after it. Got some validation but not sure what to do with it. 

I think I drove past him today and that just made me miss him even more. I don't know what I want but not him. I just don't want to be alone. I wish my friends could be there for me but they don't know how or don't want to. I feel awful

Just venting...

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 376,"Title: Mom said she's proud of me

Text: She was talking to an acquaintance about her two children (me and my sister) and she said that she's proud of both of them. It was a very good feeling, even though she was talking to someone else and maybe she said everything out of convenience.

My sister after working for some months is studying in another country while I'm the eldest and I'm just writing a shitty thesis and can't find a job... I don't think I would be proud of me if I were her but nonetheless it was good to hear some praise...

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 377,"Title: I'm jealous of people with friends

Text: I'm so jealous of people with friends everytime when I go outside I see a friend group walking by I can't help but feel jealous and wishing it was me and feeling sad at the same time. I want to make my friends so badly but my anxiety stops me I always wish someone would talk to me and when they do I get extremely anxious and wish they wouldn't talk to me at all. I even get jealous of people with online friends who got to know each other through the internet that's why I delete most of my apps where you socialize with real people. I do have one friend in real life but I feel like she doesn't really understand me but then again I don't really tell her how I feel. I also had other friends but I cut them all off when I feel like they also don't understand me even though they reached out and I admit I feel a little guilt.
Okay this is my first vent and I feel better now lol

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 378,"Title: I'd be a terrible partner anyway

Text: I deserve to be alone..

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 379,"Title: Lonely 27M loosing hope

Text: In the last few weeks I've been thinking a lot, more than usual tbh, about what to do with my current situation.

I am a 27M, never had sex nor have given the first kiss yet. When speaking with my friends of finding a relationship they've always told me to wait, someday you'll find one etc. but in 27 years it hasn't happened yet. 

After the school years I've started improving myself by going to the gym, having new hobbies etc. and altough it helped me with my self esteem nothing has changed with my relationship problem...

I went to a pshychologist for some time, helped me for a litle with self esteem and in building stronger relationships with my friends. I've never asked him directly what is wrong with me but after some research I've identified some abandonment issues caused by moving from a city to another when I was young, the costant presence of God's judgment in my family and ""friends"" leaving for no reason when I was 17. The combination of all of this caused me to develop an avoidant attachment style so I won't open up with anybody, I've been working on this with my friends so it's getting better.

I'm doubting the existence of single girls in my area, whenever I ask my friends to introduce me to some of their girl friends they say they don't have any or that they're all already engaged. 

The few times I've managed to know some girls and even confessed my feelings I've got the same responses: I'm not ready for a relationship, let's just be friends, etc.

I know I'm not beautiful, I'm a 27 short bald guy with poor eyesight but I was hoping there existed people who didn't care about looks, this hope is vanishing with the passing of years.

I've worked on my looks (gym, personal hygene, clothes, ...),

I've worked on my hobbies (sport, reenacting, diy),

I've worked on my status (work, house, car)

I've worked on my actual relationship (opening up with friends I care);

I really don't know what to do and just the thought of doing nothing about it is hurting me, the thing I get from analyzing everything is that I'm destined to be alone, unlovable.

For people asking I'm not even contemplating suicide, I've thought about when I was younger but now I know there are people who really care for me.

Do you have any suggestion or question on how I can overcome this?

Thank you

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_past
Question 380,"Title: feelings on sex post-trauma?

Text: I have definitely had crushes on guys, and been turned on by them, but there are aspects of them that gross me out. Sex with guys is gross and weird (sex in general is weird, sure, but I'm bisexual and I just don't view it as being  that way with women). i don't like their appendages or how they look for the most part, but there is a guy I think I like and might want to pursue something with eventually once I've healed more.

The other thing is, I don't like how a relationship can't exist without sex. It makes me feel used. This might be because I've been raped multiple times, so virtually every single sexual encounter I've had has involved me being used, and I can't imagine it being something nice or loving, but the mere fact that it's so central to relationships makes me feel bad. No matter how patient someone is, and no matter how much therapy I undergo, it's going to be difficult for me to be sexual with anyone. It's been 2.5-ish years since I was last raped, and I've been celibate for three, and I deserve to be with someone eventually. Everything else in a relationship can be genuine, but if sex is involved, it immediately feels cheap and dishonest.   

 Does anyone else feel similarly?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_past
Question 381,"Title: Still no libido

Text: The title is self explanatory-been assaulted multiple times by multiple people. My libido still hasn’t been the same since my last biggest assault (in 2019). Been in continuous therapy for 2 years and I’ve been making progress (mostly working on some childhood stuff), but still feel triggered my masturbation/touch. I tried some craniosacral therapy which helped me realize i’ve been super disassociated most of my life. Been doing some physical therapy for pelvic floor which has helped-not sure if i’m headed in the right direction. 

Any suggestions or tips? :( or should i just be more gentle with myself and not force anything my body isn’t ready for?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_past
Question 382,"Title: How long is it okay to make someone wait for theraphy?

Text: I (F26) met this boy around a year ago, and we both had feelings for each other, but I couldn't enter a relationship due to my severe anxiety around men/sex/relationships. I put our relationship on a hold to sort out my anxiety with a therapist, and she dropped the huge revelation on me that I had been raped when I was younger. I really need to work through this trauma with my therapist before I am ready for any kind of relationship, but getting any appointments scheduled is really taking a long time.

How long is it ok to make a potential partner wait for you while you go through rape trauma theraphy?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_past
Question 383,"Title: when the waiting list for a psychologist is 8 months long so ur stuck talking to ur useless school counsellor

Text: i was gang raped and i need help right now and im stuck with a dude who literally admitted he doesnt know how to help me with that

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_past
Question 384,"Title: Coping with Reading Fiction Again

Text: I’m trying to get back into reading but while I’m enjoying a new book series I keep having somatic and emotional flashbacks to r*pe somehow I feel bad about myself because of it, like if anything tense happens or anything romantic happens I feel bad about myself. I wish I could just read and enjoy the characters without feeling like I’m somehow being judged for flashbacks. Idk if anyone else wrestles with this, but any advice? I just want to be able to read fiction without feeling guilty

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_past
Question 385,"Title: My partner and I had sex that reminded them of past rape trauma

Text: For context me and my partner have been together for almost 2 years. In the past a couple of years ago they were raped by a close friend of theirs. Their life was obviously severely affected by this traumatic event that really affected their mental health, relationships, and intimacy. Fast forward to last week they come home a bit drunk from having some drinks with friends and we are laying in bed together and one thing leads to another and we begin to have sex. Like all of our sex session there is always a time to make sure that we are both consenting to what’s going on and I make sure to ask those questions during the sex as well because I understand that consent at the beginning doesn’t mean consent all the way through. It was like any other night of sex nothing seemed different. However twords the end of the sex they began to cry and says that what just happened reminded them of their past trauma . I immediately tried to offer any support I could, I apologized I tried my best to take care of them because this was a really serious thing to happen.  I give them their space and support anything I can do to help them through this time. We are apart for a weekend and I come to find out that they believe that I took advantage of them being drunk to have sex with then. I was very confused and alarmed that they would feel this way considering that in our sex life we had never had fights about one partner wanting sex and one not wanting it. I respected them if they didn’t want sex and they’d offer the same support. Multiple things are said and they say it’s their fault because she never told me that one partner being sober and one drunk might trigger this to happen. I told them that they should not be sorry and that the boundary was not set but that they shouldn’t blame themselves for feeling this way. I’m lost because we’re still apart and a part of them thinks I did this on purpose and another part they still love me and wants to work it out. I know in my heart that it was a mistake and that I never in a million years would be betray her trust and take advantage of them and I don’t blame them for feeling scared or afraid of believing me but it definitely hurts to think that they think I would hurt them on purpose. I don’t know what to do but give them space and time and reassurance and sincerely apologize. I am attending therapy as well to help myself and learn how to help them. I just want the best for them and their mental and physical health. What should I do ? 

TLDR partner had past trauma arise during our last sex session. They feel hurt and scared I want to help in anyway I can.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 386,"Title: Can’t tell

Text: I’m not sure who I can talk to but I just had a family member assault me. I was sleeping I heard a noise. Next thing I feel is my pants pulled down and a pain in my butt. It felt like forever until he finished in me and said he loves me. I love him too.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_ongoing
Question 387,"Title: Can someone please help

Text: Tw : sh 
Idk what to do at this point im 7 days sh free and the urges and intrusive thoughts are getting to strong and I think I’m going to relapse I don’t know what to do I’m scared it will just get worse again become an addictive again

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 388,"Title: Is there a universal self-harm symbol?

Text: I've heard of a butterfly being used, but is there a more widely know and more widely applicable one? If so can it only be used by people who currently self-harm?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 389,"Title: blood loss? when should i go to a doctor?

Text: okay, i’d like to preface this by saying i’m not actively bleeding.

however i’d also like to note i’ve experienced a lot of bleeding in the past 10ish days or so. 119 styro about 10 days ago, def a half pint or so there, maybe more. normal bleeding for something that scale. 2 styro 8 cat scratch 8 days ago, minimal bleeding. 70-80 styro last night, definitely a concerning amount of blood (3/4 pint or a full pint? i was high and i think my blood was thinner from that) and i definitely was bleeding most of the night because they kept reopening. i bled through an entire 4x4 gauze pad and STILL got some on my pants. i also have been spotting on and off with my menstrual cycle, and i got a flu shot today and i was bleeding enough that my nurse was concerned.

i know when you lose a lot of blood slowly, your body thins your blood out with water to keep your BP up. i think mine is pretty thin right now. i’ve been dizzy, bruising really easily again, and tired, all symptoms of anemia that i’ve experienced before (though then it was from iron deficiency) and im concerned that this time its blood loss. 

i dont eat well, and i know i’ve struggled on and off with anemia for years. i cant tell if this is from blood loss or just my shit diet this time, can anyone help? i really dont want to go to the doctor if i dont have to. i cant afford it.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 390,"Title: ""if you cut I'll cut too""

Text: this phrase is absolute bullshit and I can't believe how much it makes my blood boil.
threatening a self harmer that if you cut they'll cut too is unbelievably selfish and vain. it makes the self harmer feel all types of guilt and worry every tike they self harm and saying this phrase just makes sure that you won't tell them next time you SH.

this phrase is stupid and selfish and helps no one.

edit: if you wanna see more posts about stupid phrases said to self harmers follow me :)

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 391,"Title: new scars

Text: looking at them and trying not to cry why did i do that whyyyyyyyyyyyy. i used to only have a couple of red scars and now almost all the new ones are red. this is gonna take so long to fade i want to cry. i wish i could start over i’ve covered myself way too much. literally hundreds of scars and I HATE IT. even tho it helps me feel valid i still can’t help but feel like i’ve ruined my body no matter how many times ppl tell me i haven’t. and the thing is i’m not gonna stop? so im just going to keep adding to them. god i hate this addiction sm. 

wish i could reset my body or smth like that one website that imitates cutting lmao. yes i am slightly delusional

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 392,"Title: Can scars complicate top surgery?

Text: I have self harm scars around my chest, including in the place where my uneducated brain assumes they would make incisions during a top surgery (I don’t know if I’m correct, but asking just in case). Can scar tissue make getting top surgery more complicated? And can having scars on the chest make it more difficult to even be allowed it (I’m under 18)?

I would ask on r/topsurgery but I’m hesitant mentioning self harm in other subs

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_past
Question 393,"Title: Self Harm & Parents Reaction

Text: Hey there,

A few days ago I was talking with my niece about SH. Ever since I noticed her scars and mentioned them, she knows that its not a taboo subject to talk to me about. 

She said that she was mad at her parents for not buying her a first aid kit, even though they knew she was Self Harming. This kinda threw me off: i know her parents are super anxious about the subject and, despire their very loving nature, kinda act like she doesn't do it at all. 

So I was wondering: what kind of things do u wish your parents would do/have done in regards to the SH? 
Do you know of any videos of people talking about it? My niece and I are looking for an opportunity to open up this subject with her parents. 

I've noticed that a lot of people on this subreddit can get kinda angry about their parents, so I hope not to offend or trigger anyone. I'm looking for something constructive, like some inspiration to get the conversation going.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 394,"Title: Kind of scared

Text: I've lots of scars but I never used a blade before until now, it wasnt harmful cuts at all but it was too easy in comparison to my old ways... whyyy did I do that :(((( I'm panicking that this will make my sh issue worse now. I wish I could say this was a mistake but it's what I wanted, what I feel I will want again. I'm just scared and disappointed.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 395,"Title: All SH is valid

Text: Potential TW

This has been on my mind recently, especially since my friend recently told me she scratches herself but doesn't think it's as bad as cutting. I feel like this cannot be said enough: ALL VARIANTS OF SH ARE VALID!

Any methods are valid. Any depth of cutting is valid. Any severity of burns is valid. Any severity of bruising is valid. Any type of scratch is valid. Any size, length, or width is valid. Any quantity of SH is valid. Any frequency of SH is valid. Any trigger is valid. Any reason behind your SH is valid.

Your SH is valid. Don't feel like you have to go deeper, or make it more painful, or more frequent, or cover a larger area, or use a different method, just to feel valid. Your SH is valid no matter the specifics of it

Have a nice day, and inbox me if you'd like to talk

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 396,"Title: Was this sexual harassment?

Text: Today I (18F) was visiting a place that take care of people with mental conditions. My boss and my coworker were with me. We had a guy who was being our guide there, and he took us to visit the institution's chapel (they're catholic).

Well, we were in a room before the chapel, and this man (who have a mental condition) started greeting us in a very sticky way. Nothing really wrong with that. But he started to give me too much attention, and hugged me for a really long period of time. Our guide pushed him away from me, but he suddenly started to touch my breast. I was in shook and felt vulnerable and ashamed of myself. The guide pushed him away again, and a man close to us said ""oh, he always gets excited when he sees a pretty girl"". I was close to crying but I pretended that I was ok.

I don't know if I experienced sexual harassment, but I was touched in a invasive way in a room full of older men. I also feel bad for blaming the man, I feel like his intentions were of pure curiosity. I don't know. I'm scared of going back there.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_past
Question 397,"Title: Was i sexual harassed?

Text: Hey, So months ago i started living with a uncle of mine and he is off age like almost at his 40’s and i used to talk a lot w him get a long w him and he started being off w me, Started saying things he wasn’t supposed to say to me when i was only 14. He started talking about sexual stuff w me and what he has done to women and he used to ask me if i ever engaged in such sexual act like blowjobs and that i should hurry not to be a virgin because sex is way to good, Then he started talking about my body,about my boobs, my ass and i didn’t like it but i thought it was normal i never been closed to any of my relatives like that maybe it was normal because that what made him feel young but one day he made a joke ab me and him that i didn’t like it at all.i tried telling people i love but some don’t believe me. so was i sexual harrased?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","childabuse_endangerment_past,sexualharassment_past"
Question 398,"Title: I think my brother is sexually harassing me

Text: Throwaway account as I think some of my family use reddit

I (21F) have been living at home during the coronavirus pandemic with my brothers (18M, 16M). Since being stuck at home all the time things have been weird. My brother (16M) has been doing thing that make me feel incredibly uncomfortable, including making sexually explicit remarks (“bilbo baggins give me a blowjob” is one that sticks in my mind), walking around naked so I am forced to see his penis and masturbating with his bedroom door at such an angle that I can see him masturbating when my bedroom door is open. We are step siblings, but it makes me feel deeply uncomfortable to see his penis with such frequency. Luckily I am going back to university this week and will no longer have to be exposed to it, but my question is, is this considered sexual harassment?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_ongoing
Question 399,"Title: Im 15 and I think I was catcalled today, I dont know how to cope with it.

Text: I was in a fast food resturant today after seeing a movie with a group of friends, while i was waiting for our food a guy who i assumed to be 16-18 said his mate said I had a fit arse before saying only if i was 16 or older. I'd never had anything like this happen to me so I said i was 15 and just stepped away from them while I heard them calling the friend a nonce jokingly. Eventually one of my friends stood next to me and i told him what happened and that if we could move. I moved with my other female friends to a table a bit further away and i tried telling her what happened but no one could really see how upset I was. I'm normally a very confident person and can deal with other people but i feel like this has really affected me, theres no one I can talk to and Ive been constantly looking at my clothes and getting upset all evening, has anyone else experienced something like this that can help me out?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_ongoing
Question 400,"Title: Old boss who I reached out to for referral creeped me out severely. I feel so dumb ignoring my gut and not seeing the warning signs.

Text: Honestly this sounds so weird and I WISH that I was making this story up. Like many other recent college grads I can’t seem to find a job in my field to save my life and moved to an entirely different state so I don’t know anyone in my area. So I figured, I got along with this old boss that I had at my job while I was in college. Maybe I can reach out and see if I can get a referral and maybe get a similar job I had then for the time being.

I reached out said something simple like “hi hope is all well, are you still at the University?” We talked about how he was planning to relocate at some point in my state and I was just like “yeah great keep me updated!” And then he seemed to want to catch up, which seemed harmless at first, questions like “what are you doing for a job now” and “do you like the state you’re in”. Totally fine, then he’d ask if I was in any relationship to which I felt was weird but didn’t think there was anything harm meant by it. I answered kinda half assed still wanting to be polite (idk why I’m like that, it’s quite annoying). Then he time passed he reached out to me again to let me know he didn’t end up taking the offer in my state. No worries wave is lower here I get it. Thought that was the end. Reached out again asking about my relationship status once again, still had the same answer. He kinda seemed to get hung up on it asking “why aren’t you in a relationship? Do you have male friends?”
At this point every alarm in my head was going off and politely tried to answer with one worded answers and end the conversation. Fast. Then he says, grammar, spelling and all, “Still are you vergin Lol” dead ass that’s the exact message. I wish I was joking. I ghosted and just tried to sleep on whether or not I was going to freak out. I think I was just too exhausted to process what was just said to me. The next day at work it was bothering me all day and I didn’t think I could handle this alone, I needed help or even just to say something. I needed to be reassured that this was extremely inappropriate and that I’m not crazy. I texted my friends the screen shot where that last message was, and they all seemed to be in agreement that I should reach out to his HR, the dean, anyone. That’s when I started to finally break down because I knew I needed to go through with reporting because this guy works with student ids, meaning he controls who goes into the college dorms, and also works with students. I never judge anyone for not reporting but for me to be safe and far away from this dude, I had to say something not for myself but the ones who feel like they can’t. Is it normal for me to be so stressed about all of this? I filed a report with the campus HR and they seem to be very responsive and want to handle the situation but idk if I trust it. I decided if I get ghosted about the situation I will make a throwaway Twitter and post the screenshots and tag the school, have my friends who also went to that school share it and tag the school and blow them up essentially.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_past
Question 401,"Title: I wish heaven was real

Text: Not like in the religion, but more like alternative one.
You can play games, sleep and do what ever you want when ever. No need to worry abt anything. Only after 100 years you would need to go born again. Idk what's the word

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 402,"Title: I wish I wasn't a coward and could hang myself right now.

Text: I can't stop thinking about dying.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 403,"Title: I’ve to end this today

Text: I’ve been trying to fight and trying to find a way that can help me to live. I’m so tired and don’t have the strength to live anymore. 

I don’t think my problems are just small issues. I don’t think I’m exaggerating them like my father said once. They all look like big crisis that prevent me to live like a normal person. I forgot how to live. Don’t wanna leave home, even cannot. I’m sick of the looks of people through me. I’m sick of their questions when they encountered with me. 

I just want it to end. I even begged help from people I don’t know and they don’t know me either. They chose not to help because they actually chose not to believe me. It doesn’t hurt as much as what people around me chose to do. 

Loneliness when having depression, anxiety. It caused social anxiety now. I don’t know how I can start again. How I can get rid of my financial crisis. I’ve watched motivation videos about this, took advices from people on the internet. None of them helps. 

I just ask myself:  Why do you wait and waist your time you idiot? Just finish it, there’s nothing for you to live but misery!

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 404,"Title: am I a softie?

Text: I wanna suicide because I think this world is too harsh for me and my disorders are really making my life hard I am gonna end it all soon

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 405,"Title: Hi. I need help. I don’t have anywhere to get it.

Text: Hi. I’m Cloud. Someone noted to reddit about how i was feeling, so they sent me here. I hope I can get better soon. Thanks.
<3

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 406,"Title: all is lost

Text: anyone here who around their 30s lost everything they cared about and failed in all they had planned? i read of people here struggling with awful mental illness, things they didn't bring on themselves -- for me its different, i had everything, my life was perfect, then a bout of wrong decisions brought it all down. i have nothing left to live for. everyone around me keeps saying it will get better, but how? how when all ive ever wanted ive experienced, lost and can't get back? i cant believe this is my life now. i wish i had the courage to just end it all.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 407,"Title: I can't imagine a future anymore

Text: I'm 15. I want to die. I can imagine living until like junior or senior year. Maybe even the start of college but I cannot picture life as an adult anymore. It is impossible for me to imagine having a family or a job or a house. I can't even imagine graduating college. I used to want to go to med school and become a doctor and have kids and get married and date ppl and all that. Now I really just have like no dreams. It just feels like I don't have the capacity for a future anymore. So that's fun.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 408,"Title: I don't think I want to die, but I for sure don't want to live like this

Text: I hope nobody I know sees this.

I'm not planning it, I haven't thought that deep, but I frequently don't see the point in living. It's painful. Every day is awful, I'm burnt out, nobody can guide me in the right direction, my therapist doesn't take my insurance and so I haven't seen her in over a month. I need someone to just give me a reason to live. Anything. Please. I'm not actively planning, I'm just feeling so hopeless and scared. Please help.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 409,"Title: I started making a plan

Text: I feel so ruined. I think I'm broken for real now and I'm so tired. I realized I don't matter that much to the people around me anyway and now there's nothing stopping me from killing myself except my own fear. I'm so so tired. I guess I posted this cause some part of me wants someone to save me. Idk anymore

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 410,"Title: I should just accept I'm worthless.

Text: I'm lazy, boring and stupid. I should die, nobody would care anyway.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 411,"Title: it's so bad I hope he does un**ive me

Text: it's so bad I hope he does un**ive me.

I can never follow through with leaving or una**iving myself. I'm not even a person anymore. I can't do this anymore. But I'm too chicken shit so I've started fantasizing that he'll do it for me and we'll both be relieved.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","domesticviolence_ongoing,suicideideation_passive_ongoing"
Question 412,"Title: If I cut deep on my thighs can I bleed out?

Text: I know you can bleed out of you cut deep on your wrist but is it possible to do that on thighs? I've been considering trying to end it like that bc I dont wanna do my wrist but I'm not sure how deep it would have to be on my thighs to do anything.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 413,"Title: I attempted suicide by hanging and now my neck hurts

Text: I'm not planning on doing it again so please don't ask me about it, I'm okay. I'm just worried about this neck pain. I attempted it using a blanket as a rope and my neck doesn't have any visible bruises, but there's this slight pain at the back of my throat and my voice also feels hoarse. Should I be worried or it'll go away on its own?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_past
Question 414,"Title: I feel horrible

Text: I haven't been medicated for a good week, I've cut about 11 times which isn't much in that time frame, but it saddens me. I spent a lot of time forming my future, thinking someday I'll become a psychiatrist. But what type of doctor has schizoaffective? what type of doctor am I if I can't even save my own life? How can I be anything if I keep having these annoying episodes? At this point I don't know if I want to be better, its too hard to work, its too hard to keep trying. But this new pill could help but the main issue is that my insurance isn't covering it because they're basically saying I don't need it. :/

At times I'm glad I feel worse, but I don't know anymore, I just want to end how I feel, if not then myself. I don't want to die don't get me wrong, I have so many things I want to do, just these thoughts are consuming me. All because these people won't give me what I need.

Thanks for reading

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","selfharm_ongoing,suicideideation_passive_ongoing"
Question 415,"Title: Just graduated from college today, planning on taking my life tonight.

Text: Like the title says, today I received my bachelors in medical lab science and have every intention of taking my life tonight. I am not sure why I am making this post, maybe its a cry for help or just a way to make me feel like at least one person knows why I took my life on a day I was supposed to be happy.

Here's my story for anyone who cares to hear it. I grew up in a household with a very verbally and occasionally physically abusive father and a mother who could do very little to stop what was happening considering she was just as much a victim as I was. I also have a younger brother who my father favors and can do no wrong. Growing up, I would get yelled at for the smallest things and had to be careful whenever I did anything whilst my brother was apparently special and needed his space so he could do whatever he wanted. He didn't have anything wrong with him, like a mental/physical disability, he just was allowed to live how he wanted while I took the blame. He ended up dropping out of school first year of high school and working with my father in construction while I went on to college.

Where I live, the minimum wage is far below what is the minimum you need to live. This meant that even working a job while going to college, I had no choice but to live at home. My family problems became less of an impact when I simply locked myself in my room the moment I got home. It was normal for me to never speak to or even look one of my family members in the eye for weeks to months at a time. That being said, it comes to no surprise that nobody in my family attended graduation. They probably didn't even realize I had graduated at all.

Life at school wasn't any better for me. I was overweight and not exactly the most attractive person so I was more or less left alone save for a few bullies here and there. I never really had any real life friends and it became customary for me to find a quiet spot away from everyone and eat alone during lunch and attend my classes quietly. Even if I wanted to talk to others, I found that incredibly difficult because of severe social anxiety. So I just went class to class, graduated high school, did the same in college. Never having friends never really bothered me probably because I don't know what having a real life friend is even like in the first place.

The only part of my life I would have considered to be somewhat decent or even normal would have been when I logged into WoW. I was about 13 or 14 when I first started playing and that was the only time I ever found a place I felt like I belonged. I eventually got used to getting know know people through them talking to each other over ventrilo (I very rarely spoke and never on coms) and I felt like I belonged even if i was just some quiet kid on the side. Eventually what I would consider to be the highlight of my life going forward would have been when I became very close with someone I met in my current guild. We were both 15 and became very close and eventually became a couple. We were together for 7 years and helped each other finish high school and get into college. Because of circumstances, we never ended up meeting in real life over those 7 years, mostly due to her mother being extremely over protective. Despite that we spoke and played many video games together over those years. Neither of us had real life friends, but that never mattered because it was us against the world.

It was 2017 when she left me without a word or reason. She had been depressed (not eating, staying home from class, ect.) for about 3 or 4 months prior and I did everything I could to try to lighten her day best I could but it seems that nothing worked. This was all very stressful for me and I am sure I might have said somethings out of frustration from time to time, but all I ever did was try to help. I was trying to plan a trip to visit her, but that wasn't easy considering we lived of opposite sides of the US. Before I was able to finish planning out the trip she suddenly blocked me on everything and I never heard from her ever again.

The following two years were a living hell for me. I had been accepted into the medical laboratory science program at my college just one month prior to her disappearing. The whole reason I pursued that degree and career was so that I could easily find a fairly high paying job anywhere in the country because of the high demand for medical lab techs. The plan was to graduate and find a job immediately in her state and move there to be with her. However she was gone now, I was still accepted to the program, and had nothing else in my life so I just kept going with the program. Flash forward to today, I've now graduated and even have a job in my field already (note new hire wage doesn't even pay enough to live on your own in this state) but I feel completely empty. The whole speech about how we will go forward into our careers didn't even feel directed towards me, and all the congratulations felt wasted on me.

I know I planned my entire life around someone who I've never met in person and I am fully aware how stupid that is. Honestly I expected things to work out better considering we had been happy together for a 3rd of my life up to that point, but regardless of that I know how dumb I am. My entire life has been a joke and even the biggest accomplishment of most peoples lives today, for me, was just a joke set up by another joke.

This is why I have every intention of ending my life tonight. I have no family that will care enough if I am gone, no friends that will miss me, i'm sure my boss won't be happy that I am gone but I was only still a trainee anyways so losing me won't affect anyone's schedules, and my position will be filled by my classmate who deserves the job more than I do anyways.

Sorry for this being so long (23 years is hard to condense but I did my best), maybe didn't make any sense at times, and I am not sure this is even the right place to post considering I've never posted on reddit before so if it gets removed that's okay. Maybe at least one stranger will read this and know why I died since I don't plan to leave a suicide or anything of the like so I guess this will be it. Thank you to whoever reads this for taking the time to learn about me and maybe even care that I died.

Edit: Thank you everyone for your kindness, it really does mean a lot to me. I struggle a lot when it comes to talking to people and I find it hard to reply to comments but just know that I am reading them and can't thank all of you who have shared your stories enough. I'm going to keep fighting today and try to get through today best I can.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","childabuse_endangerment_past,suicideideation_active_ongoing"
Question 416,"Title: Why just why

Text: Why won't anyone leave me alone for once why me why does it have to be always me me me. I hate it here i don't understand my fake stupid parent's didnt even believe that i was bullied in the first place IM THE ONE WHO PERSUADE THEM TO GET ME OUT NOW THEY WANNA ACT LIKE THEY HAD MY BACK I FUCKING HATE MY PARENTS I HATE THIS STUPID WORLD EVERYONE IS SO FUCKED I HATE THIS. When my dad first knew he wanna say all this shit like ""learn to speak up about a situation"" when he is the same person who said all the those crual things about me teasing me showing old photos of my younger self and telling me he hates the new me who don't talk to anyone anymore or smile i fucking hate it here i can't express how much i hate my parents i wish they never gave birth to me both my parents treat me like i failed them in some way when i done nothing wrong my parents when they first knew acted like im the issue to my problems and this is why i don't say shit to dumbass adults they don't know shit they are clueless as hell they fucking ruined my life i hate it here i hate living everthing is not my fault it's my parents can someone PLEASE HELP ME FIND MY WAY OUT I WANT OUT OF THIS WORLD JUST PLEASE GIVE ME A FUCKI G ANSWER PLEASE I DON'T WANNA KEEP EXPLAINING MY SITUATION EVERYTHING JUST FUCKING HURTS AND I WANT THIS ALL TO STOP FOR ONCE GOD I FEEL LIKE NOBODY CAN FUCKING HEAR ME. Why is my parents that full if themselves that they keep reminding me everyday that this ""family"" is not the problem sometimes i feel like fighting both my parents there both physically abusive and im returning what they have did to me many years ago. Im angry at my mom's controlling nature she doesn't even love me she loves my stupid ass older brother's who are assholes to me there basically the golden children in my mom's eyes because apparently there more ""wiser"" then me even when they act like a huge bitch to me i wish everyone would leave me alone its not fair i never wanted to speak up about how i feel never NEVER DID I WANTED THIS my parents would not leave me alone EVERYBODY WOULDN'T LEAVE ME ALONE I HAVE STARVE MYSELF EVERY WEAK THAT'S HOW MY MENTAL HEALTH IS EVERY SINGLE DAY I DON'T TAKE CARE OF MYSELF CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE JUST GIVE ME A FUCKING ANSWER FOR ONCE. Im going to end myself rather this world likes it or not nobody is going to stop me. I'm done and im tired every single fucking day i hate my mom's controlling behavior she have on me when she don't give a single DAMN WHAT MY BROTHERS WATCHES ITS NOT FAIR I DONE EVERYTHING THEY ASKED AND THIS IS WHAT I FUCKING GET? none of this is my fault if more bad shit is happening to me I'm ending my life early fuck everyone.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","childabuse_endangerment_ongoing,suicideideation_active_ongoing"
Question 417,"Title: I think I was sexually assaulted

Text: Last year, I (18 at the time F)went inpatient after a suicide attempt. I went in willingly and was very compliant and good the whole time i was inpatient. my attempt was very impulsive, and by the time i was admitted i felt perfectly okay but i wanted to go ahead and stay just in case. i was admitted for 5 days. the first 2 days i was able to shower alone, with no supervision. on the third day, one of the male nurses talked to me at the start of the shift, and was really nice. he told me i was “too beautiful” for a place like this. he asked if i had a “skin check”. 
this is where i’m confused. i didn’t know what this was and asked what it was, but i said yes because i didn’t want to get in trouble. he told me to undress and he touched my breasts, ass, and lower back. he wasn’t aggressive, but i was still uncomfortable. he asked if i wanted to shower, i said yes. he said because of the reason i was admitted he needed to watch me shower. i know this is usually a thing, but i was confused why it was okay the previous nights. he said it’s just a rule they have. we went to the showers and he kept his head down but he had his phone out. i don’t really know what this is. i don’t know if it counts as sexual assault, but i also know what happened wasnt right. any advice would be appreciated

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","sexualharassment_past,suicideideation_active_past"
Question 418,"Title: Massive anxiety

Text: So, I spent 3 days meeting with my lawyer(s) last week. 
It all felt really far off. 

It's Sunday now. Annnnd. My ex used to tell me in detail about how he fantasized about killing his last wife. Tells his family that he had to beat me, that he only raped girls like me who are ""into that sort of thing anyway"" told me how he'd fucking kill me and/or I should just fucking kill myself while we were together. 

Everything of course runs at the breakneck speed of government so everything is waiting on the clock striking business in the morning. 

I've kinda made peace with the fact that something really bad is gonna happen to me. I've spoken to everyone I needed to, left everything in writing. And I guess this is sort of one more thing because of how private it is. I know that something's coming and always knew something would be when it all came out. 

Thank you for the support I've gotten here.
Edit to say I feel like a weirdo putting this out there but I haven't been able to bring myself to show any emotion to anyone else. I'm trying very hard to keep a straight calm face and I guess I just needed to accept the reality somewhere.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","domesticviolence_past,rape_past"
Question 419,"Title: I told my boyfriend about being raped when I was little and being ashamed of the fantasies I developed after it, and he ended up raping me.

Text: I thought I could trust him. He was so nice and totally understanding when I explained I couldn't have sex yet because of what happened when I was little. Eventually I decided to tell him the whole story, how I was gang raped, how I became scared of sex and even just being touched, but developed rape fantasies afterwards and got so ashamed of myself I attempted suicide. He seemed totally understanding and everything until a few nights ago when he raped me. I was begging and screaming for him to stop and trying to gouge his eyes out to make him get off me but he didn't stop and he hit me to make me stop fighting. When he finished he said ""you're welcome"" while I was sobbing on the floor. Later I attempted suicide again but he stopped me. I asked him why he would rape me. He said it's not rape if I have fantasies about it, it's just normal sex. He was acting so pleased with himself. I told my mum and she basically said that she knows that when it happened before I got a lot of attention but it's not ok to claim I got raped or say I tried to kill myself every time I want attention. She doesn't believe me, she thinks I'm faking for attention. I've NEVER lied about this stuff for attention. I don't WANT attention, I want to be left alone so no one can hurt me. I'm literally covered with bruises and she thinks I did it to myself for attention because I've bruised myself to self harm before.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","rape_past,suicideideation_active_ongoing"
Question 420,"Title: Hoping this part is a footnote

Text: I'm all for fighting the good fight. I take my meds, set my phone alarms (albeit with a bad snooze habit), take sometimes multiple showers a day, go to class, go to work, send the proper emojis to the family group chat to celebrate somebody's efforts (or just affirm my dad for his stellar dog content, that kind of investment takes genuine work, and it's to put a smile on our face so I need to acknowledge and appreciate and reciprocate that investment), respond to my friends messages (I used to be better about seeing or talking to them at least once a week, now that most of them have moved I've lapsed some), but I feed myself, clean myself, move my body—so much of mental health is management, so that's what I've been trying to do with variable success. Mostly I just hope that I'll get out of this phase in my life, that I'll keep my head down and slog through the right now with its own environmental factors (school a big one), and that in a few or maybe a handful of years I'll put my head up, and suddenly be further than I ever could have imagined. That's a fantasy--it doesn't work like that, I know. But what I fantasize about is this period of my life someday becoming reducible to a footnote—""oh yeah I was depressed in college, yeah ha I know! funny how that works""

I won't be better until I make myself better, until I make myself well, and I know that.

Some context: working diagnoses are ocd, anxiety, depression. I experience distressing intrusive thoughts about my value as a person/my death/killing myself, but that doesn't equate to me (or my doctors) as active suicidal ideation, instead distressing thoughts I just continually manage. There's a part of me that wants it sometimes, sure, it's not all--oh this terrible thing that keeps popping in my head! My distress and depression feeds it, and I have to manage that as well. But even when my passive suicidal ideation veered closer to the line of quasi-active, it was extraordinarily passive--one repeated thought was ""what if I just kept walking into the lake""

Anyway, I had the terrible thought yesterday that none of my loved ones would be genuinely surprised if I were to kill myself. They'd be upset, perhaps a bit shocked at the timing, but some part of them would fold in recognition. And a lot of that's on me---I wanted that, for my loved ones to be aware that I was struggling, and they are, but in what I think healthy way—""when I'm in distress, this helps me get out of my head,"" ""these are things I struggle with, but I don't want to dwell on them all of our time together even though they affect all/most of our time together, I really just want to enjoy the time spent with you,"" etc. But it was still a troubling thought. I'm not going to kill myself—and if there's one thing I excel at, it's at inactivity/procrastination, so I'm not too concerned about being taken out by a fit of passion—but if I were to die by my own hand, nobody would be too surprised.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 421,"Title: How did you get out?

Text: I’ve gotten so much help here but still feel overwhelmed. Feels like no matter how much I plan, I can’t seem to stick to a plan. I wanted to know how those of you who got out did it, and how your plans worked out or didn’t work out so maybe I can decide.



What was your plan before leaving? What worked and what didn’t? Did things go according to plan? Did you figure out anything that you didn’t know was available before? Did you go to a shelter? What are shelters like?

I have so many questions and thought that maybe hearing more stories and pulling knowledge might help me and maybe others who are in the planning phase. Thank you!

Edit:

I don’t get a lot of time to be online without being monitored so I can’t reply individually, but I just want to say thank you to all those who have commented. There’s a lot of good info here that will help me. Thank you for sharing your stories to help someone you don’t even know. It’s this sort of silent camaraderie that keeps me going on the dark times. Thank you.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_ongoing
Question 422,"Title: Advice needed- mom of one

Text: I'm gonna be completely honest. I REALLY need honest advice because I don't have any women in my life who experienced DV and I know very little about it.

My husband cheated on me a year ago when my son was 1 month old with a prostitute and lied to my face about it and continued pornography use countless times since then. We are all alone with no friends or family and I don't even have my own car. I have developed hypothyroid and have suffered tremendous hormone imbalance as a result. I miscarried 4 months ago due to the condition and didn't get my period back - also because of the condition. I just got my period back a week ago, and I was having the most horrible symptoms from the hormones being out of whack- vomiting, crazy mood swings, etc.
So, he denies this, but I thought I saw him doing something we had explicitly agreed not to do. And, even if he wasn't doing it, he has been openly caught defying my boundaries and our agreements so many times it has literally driven me insane, so I just couldn't take it. My hormones went insane and I was screaming telling him to come upstairs and away from the bad situation downstairs I didn't want him in. He wouldn't come and I slapped him in the face. I told you I'd be very honest. My behavior was incredibly aggressive and not okay. I am aware of this. I still want to know if I'm gonna get killed by this man one day.

He got up and shoved me into the wall, arm on my throat choking me, he stopped choking me pretty quickly (he says later he didn't mean to choke me and didn't wanna hurt my throat so he removed his arm when he realized that) but my throat was damaged and sore and red for a few days. We went upstairs and I was getting my stuff to leave with our one year old son in his stroller, he started grabbing the stroller and saying I couldn't take him, I bit his arm (I Know, I was insane) and he threw me into the wall again, shoved his arm onto my chest and told me I could clock you right now. Something like that. We've gotten into 3 physical fights with pushing and me banging his arm, and he's never said anything about punching me. He told me later he could've punched me in the face, and was even having tormenting thoughts later about killing me and then himself, but he didn't believe those were his thoughts because he didn't really want to do that. I do believe in invasive thoughts but still, kinda scary.

We also own a gun. I hid it when he was out of the apartment in the middle of our fight.

Listen, I know I was abusive, very abusive to him. I know I need to never do that again. He has never put his hands on me unless I did first, with the exception of the very first time he shoved me onto a bed, when I was walking towards him angry, he says he felt threatened. I had no intention of touching him at that time. We were married a month. The second time he wouldn't leave me room, I was screaming begging him to leave, and I ended up pushing him and he stepped back a few steps, then threw me as hard he could onto the bed, got on top of me, choked me for a second, and squeezed my arms to the point of bruising. The third time, he disrespected my boundaries, I lost my crap, and punched him in the arm. He grabbed my arm and wouldn't let go I was trying to leave, and I ended uop punching his arm many times, and putting my leg on his chest to try and push myself off of his grip. He got up grabbed me and threw me as hard as he could onto the couch, where I accidentally hit my spine directly on the wooden divider and had 5 months of severe lumbar pain and swelling and whiplash for a few weeks.

I have been so incredibly angry and broken from his cheating and that's the only excuse I have for my crazy behavior, if you're wondering. Listen, I know I'm dead fucking wrong, I just have had the hardest fucking time. He to this day violates agreements and boundaries 8/10 times, and is just now starting to tell the truth after a year. He's terrified of rejection, and lies.

This fight this week bruised my tailbone and elbow badly from hitting the wall, amongst other aches and pains. The thing that scares me the most is I could tell I came close to getting punched in the face. What do ya'll think about this- I'm looking for facts about partner violence/homicide, personal experiences, any wisdom?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_ongoing
Question 423,"Title: I WISH I COULD STILL SEE OUT OF MY RIGHT EYE

Text: But I can’t… because my ex was mad at me one day and drunk. So he gave me a black eye. And A YEAR LATER I still can’t see out of it. It bothers me EVERY DAMN DAY but it’s been especially bad. Both my eyesight and my rage over it. 


I. HATE. HIM. SO MUCH. For what he did to me. I’ve lost several days at work this week just in a bad mood and incredibly angry. Also because I CAN’T SEE VERY WELL, my computer screen is blurry. I also have a hard time driving at night and during the day when it’s very sunny. I want this all to stop one day. 😭😭😭😭😭😭

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_past
Question 424,"Title: I just announced to my abusive mother that the environment that I live in is one of domestic violence.

Text: I'm 17 (F) and after months of feeling lost, I had a talk with my psychologist and she finally gave a name and a definition to the problem that has been making my everyday life horrible for at least the last 5 years. I am a victim of domestic violence. My family is abusing me mostly psychologically and verbally but also physically at those rare moments I try to defend myself and of course since I'm just 17 they also have to threaten me by saying that they are the ones economically in charge.

Today, when she started with her daily shaming and anger because I didn't do the stupidly unimportant job of going out to buy bread I couldn't help it to just stand there and take it. I just had a talk about this situation with a teacher of mine and so I was emotionally charged. I told her that the fact that she is shouting for no reason is verbal violence and I started explaining part of the realizations I have gathered. She of course didn't take it well at all. I brought up an example that happened this week to show her that what I'm saying is real but she just broke down. She lost it. She started crying, shouting at the top of her lungs that I am not grateful, that only she is the problem (ironically) , that I don't care about anyone but myself, that her childhood was much worse than mine so I have zero reasons to complain, that she never put any pressure on me, she always tried to do the best she could.... It goes on and on.

The thing is, I did what my psychologist advised me to do. I said what everyone was too ignorant or too afraid to admit. I defended myself for the first time in my life for real. I feel super sad for the situation my mother is at but I cannot let myself continue to get fucked over because of it. I will not fall into depression for the problems my mother has, problems that she never really talked about to me but I am always expected to somehow know and never disagree with her because what she goes through is always worse and what I go through is heaven so it doesn't matter.

I am not sure what I should be doing now. She tries to make me feel like I'm in the wrong again. I know I'm not but I can't help but continue to feel the guilt she is always causing me when I try to defend myself even though it's much more controlled now that an expert literary showed me that this is abuse. I don't know what to do. 

I don't know if I should try to comfort her and even if I tried I don't know how to comfort anyone because I didn't get that treatment when I needed it. I don't know if I overdid it or if I didn't plan it correctly. I don't know what will happen or what should happen from this point.

Please. Does anyone know?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",childabuse_endangerment_ongoing
Question 425,"Title: I think I just hear me housemate be abused by her bf. How do I help?

Text: We were sitting in the living room watching a movie when I heard a sound as if she got hit or pushed. That shock/hurt-sound that your body can’t help but make when something physical happens.

When one of us went up to check on them she barged out of her room really tense and started yelling or being really sharp with everyone over some old housemate forgetting to pay rent over a year ago. It was weird and I’m worried.

——-
Backstory feel free to skip: They’ve been together for four months and have not slept a single night apart. They’re referring to each other as “the love of their lives”. She’s so lovely and beautiful inside and out. He doesn’t have any friends but her, and ever since they started dating she’s let all of her friendships fade. 

He’s not able to communicate or connect with anyone but her. Everyone that meets him all curiously enough describe him in the same-ish way “I like the guy, I just don’t want to hang out with him”. And recently we’ve noticed that he mansplains everything to her. I’m mindful that that can just be part of their relationship dynamic “naughty girl and daddy” whatever but the other day she bought me flowers and he shook his head at tsk-ed “oh honey no...” at the way she cut the flowers. And now we’re all noticing that he does this all the time...

I just... something’s off. And she has changed dramatically since they started dating. She doesn’t take care of herself, she’s failing uni, she’s being short with us housemates, she never sees her friends. She has always prided herself on being kind to animals, but ever since he moved in they’ve both started yelling really aggressively at her dog to the point t that the dog is now super anxious. (I told him to please stop yelling at her when I caught him slapping the dogs head and screaming “no” over and over again)
————————

They’re moving out in ten days to an apartment of their own. It all feels rushed as we’re in the middle of a global pandemic and she just got laid off her job and he has told me that he’s used most of his savings. The new apartment is four times the total of what they’re paying now..

How can I help her. How can I ask about that sound I heard tonight in a way where she feels safe? How can I establish a line of communication where I can express my concern without her running away / deeper into his world?

Thank you

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 426,"Title: To the girl who was hit by her boyfriend in the South End of Boston.

Text: I saw him hit you, all you did was push him and then he punched you. I stepped in, yelled at him, threatened to call the police on him. I asked if you were okay, you were in tears. You followed him after he crossed the street and ran off, I begged you not to. 

I don’t know any more than what I saw, but from a  domestic abuse survivor’s perspective, I’m really scared for you. You both seem young, maybe in high school, he had braces. I want you to know that whatever has happened isn’t your fault and there is so much more to life than this, you don’t deserve any of this. You’re not alone. I hope you read this and know that you can get out. I know it seems impossible, trust me I’ve been there, but there’s light and love up ahead, you just have to reach for it. 

If you read this, please know, I’m here for you, you can message me at any time. Stay safe 💛

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 427,"Title: Husband can't believe he was arrested for throwing me around.

Text: We've been together for 15 yrs. In the 15 yrs, I can count how many times he has pushed, shoved, slammed, dragged or grabbed me by the throat on just two hands- he doesn't hurt me physically very often. He's a master at emotional abuse.   


Sunday I had enough. We were disagreeing the entire weekend Fri-Sun. Sunday night, it all came to a head. A shouting match about turning the TV off. I needed to have the TV off- the auditory stimulation was too much on top of the kids and our argument. I went to bed Sat with him watching TV. I woke up Sunday to find him watching TV. We went out, then I went out, I got home at 6pmish to him watching TV. It was 10ish when I told hIm i needed to turn the TV off. He kept repeating ""I want to watch TV"" I've been in therapy since April, I was determined to resolve this without an explosion of anger. I was going to walk away and go to the porch and just give up- but I realized that this really was important to me. The last time we argued about the TV being on and my needing it off- he pushed and shoved and hurt me so bad I had bruises on my arms and throat and legs (I found those pictures on one of my email accounts yesterday and cried) I stopped asking for him to turn the TV off and instead just deal with the auditory stimulation. It just didn't seem fair that I always back down to avoid the fight, to avoid the hurt. My feelings are always unimportant. My needs are always ignored.   


Well he didn't like that. So he grabbed me by my throat, pushing me back into our rolling chair, then grabbing me by my hair and shoving/dragging me forward into our couch where I slammed my breast into the top edge of the couch and my knee to the bottom edge beneath the couch. At this point, I told him that was it. This time he's going to jail. I grabbed his phone and tried to call police, he wrestled me for the phone. I tried shouting for google voice to call 911, he wrestled the phone out of my hand then unplugged the GV. He then proceeded to call 911 himself, to say I had assaulted him. It took a while for the cops to show up, told them everything that happened. He was arrested that night, and released the next day with a protective order that says he can't harrass, intimidate or threaten me while at home.   


Last night, he said he couldn't believe I had him arrested- and that he was arrested at all. I asked what he meant and then I said ""I didn't have you arrested. I didn't ask for you to be arrested. The officers never gave me a choice- they told me what was happening."" He then said that whatever I told them had him arrested. I was so confused. So I told him I didn't understand what he meant by that. I told the officers exactly what happened- I didn't lie. And he was genuinely confused- he said a few times he couldn't believe I had him arrested for the first time in his life ever (he has no record, literally). He genuinely didn't believe that what he did was violence or worthy of being arrested.   


I'm floored. I can't wrap my mind around how he couldn't believe that shoving me was violence. It's not like i walked away unscathed. My knee is fucked up- I couldn't put any weight on it the next day. It's been 3 days and I still have a 3 inch purple and green bruise at the top of my knee- I still can't bend my knee easily.   


I didn't know what to think last night and I still don't know what to think. Does he not realize that his behavior is abusive? Does he really not understand that pushing and shoving is abusive? That refusing to let me leave a room is abusive? That backing me into a corner and not allowing me to walk away is abusive? That refusing to listen, speaking over me, dismissing me, invalidating my opinions/feelings/thoughts, refusing to discuss any issues that bother me but expecting me to correct every single issue he has, are all abusive behaviors.  


I don't know!

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_ongoing
Question 428,"Title: Lonelines is a rabbit hole

Text: So me and my ex gf booke about 10 months ago. I didn't even cuddle or huged anybody since then, and i starting to feel sick about it. I do not know how others do that they always have someone who atleast cares about them. I even forgot how to flirt with a female. Worst part is that i don't have oportunity to meet someone because of scholle i dont have time and go out alone is wierd. So what sould i do? (For a context im 16m)

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 429,"Title: One of the biggest reasons I wish I had a relationship is being able to watch each other's favorite movies.

Text: I liked being close to someone enough they actually have me watch movies they loved with them. Maybe I'm just missing out on the simple things.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 430,"Title: I'm about to break down 14/M

Text: I'm alone I'm literally the liveing definition of being alone I have no friends I just want one irl friend someone I could talk to but I don't have anyone I can barely talk to people unless they talk first why am I so bad at social interactions everyone I know goes out with friends and thier partners and it makes me feel even more alone in life I try to talk to people but it just doesn't work I'm so tired of barely talking everyday and almost everyone around me has friends so it's torture having to hear about that.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 431,"Title: I want friends, but I don't know how to make any or keep them

Text: I'm very quiet and I don't talk much, and I'm bad at keeping a conversation going, mostly because I don't have many conversations. 

People always forget about me. On here people usually remember me for a week or so, then I'll never hear from them again. 

I like playing games, but I don't have any friends to play with.

So if you want a challenge, try to be my friend, please. I have discord too if that means anything.




Sorry for wasting your time

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 432,"Title: I ate today!

Text: It was a happy meal but I ate, and i was able to brush my hair! :)

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 433,"Title: People that Come and Go

Text: I know there are people on here that are always alone. I know how that can be. Been there. Hugs for you. But I wanted to ask the Lonely group here about “friends” that seem to come and go from your life.

For me, last month was the ideal. I was invited to a party with my sisters friend. They thought to extend the invite to me. I really thought that was nice. It’s still my sisters friend, but still, nice to be thought about, you know? 

Also, last month an “old friend” reached out. I’ve known him for 25 years. We seem to come and go from each other’s lives; not seeing each other for years. He broke up with his long time girlfriend and she really prevented him from seeing people. He wanted friends again. I told him when to come over, and last month I hung out with him and his other friend twice. It was so nice and I laughed so much. 

But I wanted it to continue, and I’m feeling a bit ghosted. I tried to have them over again this weekend and he hasn’t responded to any of texts. He’s pretty bad at texting (he might respond more to phone calls but I have some anxiety around phone calls and tend to avoid them). 

But it kinda feels like maybe this month I’m going to be lonely again and without friends. 

Here is the other thing too: when I “have” friends it feels like I have to do ALL the work. I have to text them. I have to have them over to my house or tell them what I want to do (like go to a movie). I have to plan it. If I didn’t, they’d maybe rarely say anything. In fact, I was shocked when he initially reached out last month saying he wanted to do something. I was so relieved to have initial request like that I planned the something. But going forward? I’d probably have to do all the things. I’m going to stop texting and see what happens because I’m already tired of pulling up out texts and the screen is just all me with no response.

I think if I really wanted to try to see them again this month, I’d probably need to call and set it all up. Should I go to that extent?

If you’d like to give advice, feel free.

If you’d like to commiserate or vent about something similar, I’d like that too.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 434,"Title: Any hopeless romantics out there?

Text: Or am I the only one who gets attached to every girl I ever talk to?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 435,"Title: I feel lost and lose interest in everything

Text:  I am a college student and will be graduating by next year. I have always been always hardworker and tried to achieve my goals like(entering a top university in my country, then transitioning to another university and studying abroad). I am doing pretty well at university(3.9GPA) and even got an internship offer from one of the companies in the country I study(in this country it is almost impossible to find an internship for international students). However, since last month I have started feeling depressed. I don't enjoy anything, I mean anything literally. All I do is watch shitty youtube videos, check other people on social media and get depressed because of doing nothing. I even got a warning from the company I do my internship because I didn't finish the task for weeks. I even don't talk to my friends, or family, I don't want to... I really need help, because every night I feel guilty and I promise myself I will change tomorrow. But when it comes to tomorrow, still the same thing. I feel myself in an infinite loop, and every day it gets harder for me to get rid of.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 436,"Title: Anyone else ever feel like the “old you” died years ago, and now you’re just limping along as someone you really can’t stand?

Text: Like, the old me wasn’t even that great either but damn 

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 437,"Title: 16M - in the ER room

Text: Some stupid dumb stuff happened and I'm in the ER room. Alone. No one irl. I just need a person to talk to :)

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 438,"Title: i got rape 10min ago

Text: he left out of my apartment and it hurts im scared of getting pregnant we were just playing chess and drinking vodka and then he pinned me down turned me around got naked and got me naked n raped me brutally i‘m sitting here still naked and i‘m crying and i wanna scream into my pillow i feel disgusted i cried through this rough terrifying 50min through and he verbally abused me the whole time too

i hate myself sm 
i can’t tell my friends they would call the police but im scared i feel disgusted from myself sm i can’t stand up why should anyone deserve this he‘s maybe three heads bigger than me and 10000x stronger im so dumb

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_ongoing
Question 439,"Title: What to do next

Text: I learned today what happened to me was assault… 

I had doubts for a while but today I talked to a professional and they told me what happened was Sexual coercion… I’m still a little bit in denial, I know what happen was wrong but I can’t stop blaming myself, I feel like all of it is my fault. I’m angry at him but mostly myself and also really sad. 

I feel lost rn and I don’t know what to do.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_past
Question 440,"Title: Can we just have a whole new sub?

Text: A ""was this rape?"" Sub

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 441,"Title: I may have saved a girl from rape

Text: So an acquaintance from my school (let’s call him F) is a rapist and I maybe have unknowingly helped a girl get away from him. 

So this happened about two years ago. I was at this party with some friends. About 2am I left to smoke a cigarette and this group of girls from my school came outside too. I didn’t know them that well because they were a year younger than me but I started talking with them about random things. They then told me they wanted to go home so I walked with them a bit. On the way three friends and F joined me. We made sure the girls living nearby got home and then went back.

Two of the girls however weren’t able to go home because of their parents not knowing they were on a party and drinking. We then went to a near playground where we sat on the benches. The three friends of mine went back to the party leaving me, the two girls and F. I went to go pee for a minute and after coming back F did go too. 

After F was went to go pee, the girls told me he asked if he could drive Girl X home as they lived in the same area. I thought it was rather nice of him but they found him creepy and didn’t want to go with him. I was able to guess why. They didn’t know him at all, I knew him a bit. He could be really intimidating so I respected that they didn’t want to Girl X to go with him. F then came back and asked if she was ready to go but I said I called both of them a cab. He responded weird saying that was unnecessary and seemed angry. I said I didn’t know he could drive one of them and it’s too late to cancel the cab now. He accepted it but seemed very pissed off. We shook hands but he additionally hit my back with his flat hand. He then left and went back to the party.

I always found him weird and intimidating but this was the weirdest I ever witnessed. After he left I talked to the girls and asked what we should do. I would have called a cab but they and me didn’t have any money. They seemed really desperate. I offered them to walk both of them home and talk with their parents. (Parents really like me) They agreed so I accompanied them. They thanked me and I went home myself. 

F and I met in school after the weekend and he seemed pretty normal. A few weeks passed and he suddenly disappeared. I asked my friends what happened to him and they told me he got into a conflict with his friends. You could say they had influence in our city as they were dealers for weed. He owed them 400€ but wasn’t able to give it back. He then left our school and nobody saw him since then. About a week ago my friend said he saw F again. We were really surprised. We started talking about him and they told me they will never like him because of what he did to a friend of ours. I never knew of what happened and they told me F raped her. I was so schocked and remembered that night two years ago. 

I am so disgusted but happy that I helped that girl two years ago. I probably would have so much guilt if I didn’t.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 442,"Title: Did my ex boyfriend assault me?

Text: I’m thinking about my ex boyfriend whom I broke up with last year. 2 weeks into our dating - we had already had sex at this point - I spent the night at his place. I was changing into my pajamas in front of him and smiled at him. All within 3 seconds (TW graphic description) >!he pulled down my pajamas, shoved my face onto the bed, grabbed me and started fucking me from behind.!< I was frozen in fear. I let him do what he wanted for a couple minutes, until I snapped out of it, turned around, and asked, “Why didn’t you ask for consent?” At this point he also knew that I was molested and raped in my childhood.

He suddenly stopped and apologized. I got up and left the apartment because I did not feel safe. But it was the middle of the night and I didn’t feel safe taking public transport either.

He followed me outside and started sobbing, begging for forgiveness. I was angry and I yelled at him. But I pitied him as well because his father was also abusive, and he said he didn’t want to be like his father. So after he cried for an hour, I forgave him and returned back to the apartment. I hugged him and told him I loved him. I wonder if my quick forgiving of him was just a trauma response, because in my childhood I also took care of and comforted the people who abused me. I feel very sick remembering this now, and connecting it to how I forgave my boyfriend.

And so, we dated for 1.5 years. He never did anything without my explicit consent after that, but I always felt pressure to keep up with his extremely high libido. I broke up with him because I could no longer serve his high emotional and physical needs. He didn’t let me break up with him for a few weeks - sobbing and begging on his knees for me to stay, to give him another chance, promising to change - so the process was dragged out.

Overall he was a nice guy, and he comforted me when my childhood trauma resurfaced. When I broke up with him, he pointed out that because he comforted me about these things, it was unfair for me to break up with him. But I realize now that my perspective of our entire relationship was soiled by what he did in the very beginning.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","childabuse_endangerment_past,rape_past"
Question 443,"Title: Raped By Lover while Sleeping...

Text: I was raped by the man I wws madly in love with. He forced himself on me while I was sleeping.

I was dreaming and I can remember in this dream I could feel pain between my legs. I woke up this man I trusted and gave my all to was f@$%ing me in my sleep. I was scared, I tried to get up and lift myself up and he put his weight on me and proceeded to quiet his breathing until he finished, rolled over and started sleeping.

I laid there awake next to him all night questioning if it really happened or not...even though I my heart was racing out of my chest, even though I was in aot of physical pain between my legs, even though I could feel his seamen leaking out of me as he snored.

I left the next morning and I never spoke of it and tried to get past it made excuses for him and then it happened again that I woke up to him having sex with me in the same way. While I am sleeping on my stomach, I wake up to pain between my legs and his weight on me.

I'm terrified of being penetrated. I was before but being raped by a trusted person took it to an entirely different level. I absolutely dread penetration, it scares me thinking about it. I struggled before this happened, I had to concentrate to let a man inside me and now I have to be high.

 I don't like being is rooms with men, I struggle at times to look men, even family in the eye for weeks at a time. I still haven't told anyone I know. He is the uncle of one of my high school friends and part of a well known family in town. I know and knew better than to say anything 6 years ago.
Please speak to someone its been years and it effected me greatly. I didn't have sex for over 5 years I am afraid to go on dates. Its killing me

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_past
Question 444,"Title: I ended things with my boyfriend for raping me and my mum says I shouldn't of dumped him.

Text: She still doesn't believe me that he did it. She says that because I was raped as a child the odds of it happening again are really small and it's ridiculous that I expect people to believe it happened again so soon even though it's been 6 years. She knows I ended up with rape fantasies after the first time and she believes I chose to have rough sex with him, regretted it, and claimed rape for attention. I brought up reporting him and she basically said she wouldn't let me ruin his life just for attention and if I report it no one will be on my side. She keeps trying to convince me to go back to him.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","childabuse_endangerment_past,rape_past"
Question 445,"Title: derealization and self harm

Text: does anyone feel like during times of bad dissociation their senses get fucked up? like my fingers keep touching each other and though i can feel it, its like it takes my mind a while to decipher which hand is doing that. i know its the right one because i look at it, but its almost like its someone else's fingers touching my hands... its so scary i feel like im not here. i believe this is one of the reason why i used to resort to self harm before. it would ""wake me up"". and then walking in a big city just makes the feeling worse. i need  the peace and quiet from my small city back home. there is easier to connect with myself. here in college everything gets worse..

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_past
Question 446,"Title: My girlfriend keeps going back to self harm and I don't know what to do

Text: I 17m have been dating my bsf 17f for a little while now, we are really close and she shares a lot of stuff with me, I am no stranger to mental disorders however sh is fairly new to me. Last December it was really bad for her however she was clean up until march when she had a minor relapse. After she made it almost six months before school started again however now she can barely make it two weeks without a relapse. It hurts so much to see her like this but I'm not sure how to help her and I don't know who to turn to for help besides reddit.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 447,"Title: did it always hurt this bad?

Text: today i relapsed after 2 years and honestly they weren’t even that deep just a few light cuts here and there (i think they’re called cat scratches idk i’m new to this sub so idk the terminology) anyways i took a shower and holy shit it hurt like hell and it was on my arms and legs and they stung so bad. ok maybe i’m over exaggerating it wasn’t unbearable but i think this is the fastest shower i’ve ever taken. the thing is i used to cut deeper before and i don’t know if i just forgot how they felt or do light cuts hurt more

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 448,"Title: Confused on myself and self harm, looking for help figuring out why I started

Text: I just recently started scratching myself deeply with a razor and I don’t know why. I just started doing it even though I feel completely fine. I am a 14 year old dude who is pretty healthy, been working out, I have a boyfriend who is wonderful, have a great friend group and the only stressor I can think of is feeling cramped because my family is constantly over where I live and being a little bit worried about my weight since I’m mildly overweight. Now that I’m writing this out I realize the stuff that I hide from my parents (ace&biromantic & how I want to be a femboy) might be affecting me but I don’t feel stressed out or anything. Anyways, I just want help figuring out why I started, sorry for making you read so much.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 449,"Title: :( scars from age 7

Text: ever since i was 7 i have been cutting my arms and i am now clean from it for almost one year but i cant figure out how to get rid of the scar? any tips?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_past
Question 450,"Title: I STOPPED OMG OMG OMG

Text: I STOPPED, I'VE BEEN A WHOLE WEEK OFF NOW. 

Here's some information on how I stopped if it'll work :). 

1. Drawing on my skin with a marker. 
2. Picking up new hobbies
3. Becoming less dependant on my family to teach me how to stop, and becoming more dependant on myself. 
4. Started going outside for bike rides to forget my negative feelings and thinking about doing it. 

There are tons more, but here're mine to help you!

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_past
Question 451,"Title: Is this normal? (Possible tw)

Text: There’s a couple spots on my forearm where I have a lot cuts in a concentrated area. The skin around them seems to be a bit loose. Some of them are healed and some are newer, they’re all fairly deep styro and they’re all kinda raised. It doesn’t hurt or anything it’s just a little strange

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 452,"Title: Self harm and negative thoughts

Text: When I was a teenager I used to cut myself and burn myself with a lighter. As I got older I stopped doing it almost completely. I see my scars and I don’t want to hurt myself like that anymore. I go to therapy, I have a great support system, and I care for myself.

However, from time to time I still feel a trigger and end up wanting to hurt myself. I don’t cut anymore but I can feel the urge and sometimes end up scratching myself. When it happens, it’s like my whole body is tensing and fighting itself and I want to hit myself, hit my head, or dig my nails into my skin. I often keel over from the feeling and cry. Sometimes I pound on my chest with my hand or flap my hands and jump (stim) to try to get the feeling out. 

It makes me so sad that I still go into this place of self-hatred. Basically when this happens I hear repetitive negative thoughts that hurt me emotionally. I’ve done so much work to love myself and I don’t want to feel this kind of pain anymore.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 453,"Title: When you relapse, dont reset your progress. Instead, add it to your progress.

Text: For instance. If you went 2 months clean and relapsed, don't tell yourself  ""I went two months clean but now it's been reset."" Instead,  tell yourself ""I've only cut once in two months and I'll do better going forward.""

Someone on Reddit told me this a while ago and I just wanted to share..

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 454,"Title: Dismissed after reporting Sexual Harassment

Text: I worked at Thomson-Reuters in London for over 18 year. In Dec 2016, a colleague invited me out for team drink then afterwards invited me to sleep at their place, I declined. We are both married and I want to stay that way. After a friend’s leaving drinks in Jan, the offer was repeated, again I declined. We were a close-knit team, with maybe a couple of team socials a month. I was happy with the friendship just not anything more. Subconsciously, I started leaving some socials slightly early to avoid any repeat. At one when I was leaving, I was asked for a hug.

By April it was daily in the office and was starting to affect my health. At this point I made it clear I did not want an affair. After which I suffered harassment and rudeness in the office. By June this was affecting both my physical and mental health so I raised this with my line manager. His response was he would help me any way he could but his primary duty was to the company, maybe I should consider an internal transfer to a different department. Over the next year I got little support from him, generally either turn the other cheek, ignore it or you are the problem. I got the same response from the head of the department and some other managers I also asked for help.

By March 2018, having suffered sexual harassment for over a year I was having a nervous breakdown it got raised to Human Resources. There is clear evidence of a sexist attitude by our shared HR manager, who assumed I was the guilty party without ever bothering to hear my side of event. Alex had been briefed by both line manager who had said I was the guilty party. The support I got was virtually non-existent and claimed I could only get any help if I made a formal complaint.

The independent HR manager conducting the formal investigation told me off the record; “It’s OK for a colleague to invite you to spend the night with them, however it is not acceptable for you to assume that is anything other than an innocent offer or get upset over it”.

I cited one incident a flirtatious wave; I was told as there was no evidence, it could not count. I show them the evidence that they already had; I was then told it was intended to be friendly wave. I pointed out HR policy states; it is how the victim views it, not what the perpetrator intended. I was then told HR decides what counts as harassment. I then asked what reason other than deliberate harassment could there be.

I also show evident of that D’ had lied both to the enquiry and generally.  Which HR interpreted as showing I had no remorse for my actions as I was trying to pin the blame on the other person.

I was dismissed primarily for raising a complaint citing actions such as “Raising a personal matter with your line manger” as harassment in direct contradiction of company policy. At the time this seemed like a blessing.

Initially I parked the pain until I was well enough to deal with it. It was the only way to get try and get on with my life. However, I did ask my line manager why certain things were and were not done. Getting answers was like pulling teeth but I did finally get him to acknowledge he had lied to me and he was aware I was being sexually harassed but choose not to do anything about it. He would not explain why, rather continuing to lie about it.

It took me nearly two years to recover to the point where I could read the transcripts and make sense of what was being said.

I then e-mailed a member of the senior leadership team, explained the situation including I was aware I had no legal recourse due to timescales. All I asked for was someone to hear what I wanted to say and explain why certain things were and were not done, also what if any lessons could be learned to protect current employees. He asked for more details and agreed to investigate. A couple of weeks later replied saying I should have complained at the time, case closed. If that was the attitude he was planning to take from the start, why ask for more details and bother to investigate.

I am aware this read like something from over 50 years ago not the last 5 years.

I have now taken early retirement partly because I can afford to but also because I no longer enjoy my work.

While not qualified to make a medically diagnosis the person who was harassing me had all the characterises of someone with a narcissistic personality.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_past
Question 455,"Title: So, yeah... I was pretty sure this was sexual harassment; I reported it and now I'm having second thoughts...

Text: (Sorry it's so long. There's a lot of context and I really need to know if this was sexual harassment; I'm skipping class because I'm so stressed.)

For context: we're all first-year males around the same age living in university housing.

I basically live in a frat dorm, and I hate it. They're loud, unhygienic, and outright disrespectful. They get insanely drunk every night and even more so over the weekends. They've thrown up in the community bathroom multiple times and someone straight up urinated on an out-of-order sign on one of the urinals. But the parts that make me *really* uncomfortable are that one of them put a condom on my doorknob and someone covered my peephole with a sticker. The last part concerns me because they would knock-ditch my door. 

I didn't want to stand out too much (if I do that, they might figure out I'm gay, and that scares me), so I went to one of their room parties a couple of doors down. I did not like it. They were all completely wasted and there was a girl that was closer to blackout than buzzed. They were playing beer-pong but with hard liquor. Thankfully, the girl cut herself off so she was playing it without taking any more shots. When one guy was playing against the girl, he made a jacking-off motion toward her. She immediately expressed she was uncomfortable with her body language. The guy kept doing it and most of the other guys egged him on. She had to turn around and not look at him for him to stop. During this, I said that was sexual harassment, but no one heard me. At the end of the night when everyone left, she went with a large group of other girls, so I was pretty sure she was safe.

I requested a hall change a couple of weeks later. During the meeting with my RA, I mentioned everything above, including the event with the girl. I did not give any names, because I wasn't absolutely confident with the identity of the guy and I don't remember his face. So, nothing can really be done in that regard.

That was definitely sexual harassment and I wish I reported it sooner so I could remember who did it. I want to apologize to the girl; I saw how uncomfortable she was. And I'm sorry if my lack of action disrespects anyone reading this.

 I know it's selfish due to my inaction in the first event, but I'm going to go ahead and describe my case now. I'm sorry, I'm just too stressed and I don't have anyone to go to.

So, there's this guy that's always seemed a little interested in me. I've never been in any relationship before so I don't completely know his feelings, but whenever we passed in the hallways he'd always make it a point to say hi and ask how I was doing. I keep telling myself he's just being extra nice, but he'd sometimes stop walking to just ask.

Now here's what took place last night. I was about to get ready to go rock climbing at the student rec center when my roommate came into my dorm with the aforementioned guy. The guy was definitely not sober. He was talking really fast and sweating. I'm pretty sure he was drunk and had a lot of caffeine. He said some slang (don't remember the exact phrase) that meant he was going to have intercourse with someone later that night. I was a little off-put that someone I don't know would just share that, but I dismissed it as he was just excited and said, ""hey, it's one of the joys of life."" He then asked me how much ""pussy"" I got. This is when I started getting a little stressed. I've never had intimacy with anyone (and I'm okay with that) but I didn't want to share that with him because I was still concerned about people figuring out my sexuality. So, I responded, ""that's quite the question."" My roommate stated that that's not something you just ask someone. And the guy said something along the lines of, ""oh right my bad."" 

I then let them know I was about to change and my roommate said they wouldn't look. I was wearing pride underwear that I didn't want them to see so I opened my closet door and draped a blanket over it to form a curtain that blocked the line of sight. While I changed into shorts, they carried out their conversation, so I thought we were done. But when I was almost done, the guy brought it back up by saying I didn't have to answer the question, and that he didn't want to force me to answer anything I wasn't comfortable with. My roommate then reiterated ""yeah, you don't just go around asking people their body count."" At this point, I was done changing, so I closed the closet door. The guy then remarked, ""damn, \[my name\] got some cake!"" I was quite taken aback so I just responded, ""bro, what?"" My roommate told him, ""yo, chill, chill."" He then emphasize that I did look good in the shorts (they were just standard, knee-length gym shorts). I kept it a joking tone and asked, ""dude, what substances are you under?"" He found this hilarious and fell to the floor laughing, repeating what I said. After a little bit, he stood up and said to dap him up. I just did the hand-slid and fist-bump, but he corrected me and wanted me to do the hand-grip and shoulder bump. 

As I continued to get ready, he would make it seem like it was all just a joke, and then he would escalate it, then he would make *that* seem like a joke, then repeat the cycle. During this whole thing, my roommate would say varying intensities of ""yooo, chill, chill, chill!"" At one point I said, ""listen, I'm just trying to go rock climbing"" (joking tone).  He then said, ""how about you go rock climbing on this mountain of a dick?"" I told him, ""dude, no one is on your side on this."" He then did his thing where he would laugh it off and act like it was all just a joke. But then he went to dap me up again. I was very uncomfortable at this point and said, ""nah, I think I'm gonna pass on that one."" He then insisted that we were chill and still wanted me to dap him up. I did, and he did the shoulder thing again, but he proceeded to reach around like he was going to grab my butt, but then stopped and joked it off. 

At this point, I was almost ready to leave. I went into the far corner of the room to get one last thing when he said, ""hey, how about I give you some milk chocolate?"" (referring to the complexion of his skin/penis). I was still trying to keep it cool and said ""nah, I'm trying to cut back on sweets."" He laughed and said that was really smooth and went to dap me up again. I was ready to walk out the door so I thought I'd humor him one last time and then leave. However, while I was in the corner, he dapped me up, held onto my hand, and started moving in closer and reaching his other hand around me. I really think he was actually trying to grab my butt this time, so I jerked my hand back and was ready to start physically defending myself. However, once I jerked my hand away, he backed off. My roommate exclaimed, ""yooo, dude *chiillll!!*"" I was able to leave after that.

I rock-climbed for a bit and took my mind off of it, but every once in a while, I'd look around to make sure he didn't follow me. I know that's paranoia but I've never felt like that before, and I was still uncomfortable. I called my parents later that night and they said it was sexual harassment. I cried while explaining it to them. I feel like I overreacted because it's not like I was actually raped or touched, but they said I wasn't, and told me to report it. 

So, I did and got an emergency dorm room. When I went back to my room to pack stuff for the night, my roommate was there and apologized for his friend's behavior. He said he gets like that when he's drunk and assured me didn't mean any of it. 

I guess that could be true? I mean, he could've still thought I was straight. Is this how straight guys of this age joke around? I did feel really uncomfortable, but I never directly stated so, so maybe he thought I was in on it. I needed to make the report to get the room and I was sent an email to follow up on it but I'm afraid I'm going to ruin someone's future because of a drunk joke. Am I in the wrong? Please help. I'm so stressed about this.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_ongoing
Question 456,"Title: Not sexual harassment…yet?

Text: I (25F) recently started a new job. Around the time I started, a new manager (50?M) also joined the company. He is nice, but noticeably (coworkers have remarked) awkward. From our first interaction, I got a strange vibe from him, but ignored it figuring he was still trying to get into the groove of his new position. Every time he comes to my work station to talk, he stands incredibly close to me. I always have to take a step or two back to be able to comfortably hold the conversation. Today he came by my desk to talk about making up holiday hours this weekend. He laid his hand on my shoulder and told me I was welcome to come in an hour early and stay an hour late any day because he’s always there that early/late. 
The touch did not linger, but it made me uncomfortable. I don’t know if I’m misreading the situation, but I’ve never had a male coworker of any age lay a hand on me. I feel that this isn’t sexual harassment, but could it progress to be harassment?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_ongoing
Question 457,"Title: My ""friend"" sexually abused me today

Text: I was in the locker room walking past her an she grabbed my chest and giggled.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_ongoing
Question 458,"Title: Someone tried to SA me, only knowing I'm trans for 2 minutes

Text: I [18 mtf (male to female) trans] was waiting outside of my job for a friend to pick me up. I would've rode my electric scooter home, but I also wanted to hang out with him. As I'm sitting in front of my job, a man comes up to me and starts conversing with me. I've always felt comfortable talking to strangers due to my job, so this was nothing new to me. 

He started asking me innocent questions about my new scooter (price, range, charge time, etc.), then about what I do for work. That kind of threw me for a loop, but I figured, ""not a big deal, he'll surely go away after he's done asking about my scooter"".

He then pauses, almost with a confused look on his face. He then looks me up and down and says ""you're a woman?"" I then explain, yes I am trans. This is obviously a creep or a pervert, but there was no way of me leaving the situation. I felt extremely uncomfortable as he's saying things like, ""your hair is really nice"", things like that. He then asks, ""So, are those fake?"" (Referring to the fake breasts inserts I have on in public to appear more feminine) I say yes, not really knowing what to do. I was frozen in fear, not knowing what this weird, creepy dude could be capable of if I tried to move away. 

Without warning, he quickly reaches out his hand and starts poking at one of the inserts, pushing it in, and playing with it. I was catatonic; I was so horrified at the situation that I could barely breathe. This only lasted about 10 seconds, but those were the longest 10 seconds of my life.

He then stopped, told me we should ""hang out sometime"", and left. A minute goes by, and my friend arrives. 

The next day, I had to go in for an afternoon shift at my other job. Not 5 minutes go by, but the SAME GUY walked in asking to speak to me. My manager turned him away, obviously knowing that this guy was bad news. 

I'm still trying to process this, and it happened almost a week ago.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_past
Question 459,"Title: I Can Always Just Die After Graduation

Text: I don't think I want to continue living in this world after I graduate college. I still have over a year left, but I worry about my future every single day. I don't think I'm cut out to live in this highly competitive world. I struggle enough already as a student and have no passions or ideas about what I want to do. I want to exist, but not the way the majority of people in this society have to exist. So, my thoughts go to suicide quite a bit these days. I think to myself, ""I can always just die"" and then I won't have to deal with any of it anymore. I don't want to work my life away. I'd rather just be dead and move on to whatever comes next. I'm just so scared.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 460,"Title: Living today is just meaningless

Text: Society in 2022 is completely fucked up and sadly you cannot leave it. There is no hope we have lost all values all beliefs. People get married and divorced right after, only things that matter are materialistic, social media is just the worst of the worst. There is no way out of it why should we even try? Im in my young 20s i have a lot of friends and had a cpl of girlfriends but its all meaningless i dont think i will ever find a worthy wife to build a family with. Whats the point of living then? Working for 40+ years to get old die then, see my entire family faint, and not having the possibility to continue my family line. I dont know if its only me but im feeling this for really long and its killing me inside ngl.

Thanks for reading

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 461,"Title: Got fired from another job

Text: All managers say the same shit. Oh you're really nice and you work so hard but you're just not learning fast enough etc. etc.

I have ADHD I have literally no control over it, I'm trying my best but it's never good enough and after almost a decade of jumping between jobs I don't have a penny saved to show for it.

I'm just so tired of not being able to afford to live, if it weren't for my mom I'd be homeless but I can't be stuck with her my whole life, I'm just so tired and want to end it all instead of going through this cycle of suffering again.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 462,"Title: I attempted…and failed…and looked like a fucking idiot.

Text: I finally reached my breaking point, which has been a long time coming. There’s a nice bridge on my drive home from work. I stopped, spent some time there, and jumped off. 
What a fucking idiot I am. Apparently I’m too dumb to gauge what a good height is. All I succeeded in doing was making a spectacularly painful splash. What a joke that is. 
No one even bothered stopping. I had to drag myself out of the lake and make the drive of shame home sopping wet. How fucking EMBARRASSING. 
By the way, people always say they regret jumping the second they do it, but all I could think in that moment was “thank god it’s over.” Guess I’ll think of what to do next as I dry off.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 463,"Title: Killing yourself is hard

Text: I'm so ready.

I read that the best means of suicide prevention is restricting means to access. 

It's true. I would've attempted overdose if this subreddit hadn't informed me just how horrific and futile an attempt by pills is.

Shooting myself? I've never used a gun, I'd fold before I figured it out.

Rope? Yeah, people on here have tried and failed. I'd fuck it up most certainly.

Jumping? I'm too afraid of heights - my instincts would stop me.

Car? No, I don't want that sorry crew to have to scrape my body from the wreckage.

Why is this so fucking hard? I wish I could just apply for lethal injection.

So I will go on wishing every day that I were dead.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 464,"Title: I can't believe I'm saying this but I think I will actually kill myself in a year

Text: I have never reached a single goal in life. I have only known failure regret. I have set a yet another goal for myself and if I don't reach it by the end of next year, I am 100% committed to killing myself. I have no fears or reservations anymore. I knew it was time when I hit 30 yet I'm deciding to give myself one more chance. It would be an easy goal for most but considering my track record, I will find it very challenging. This is it.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 465,"Title: It’s time to be realistic.

Text: Sometimes life just doesn’t get better. Not everybody gets a happy ending. Some people are cautionary tales. Some people are sacrifices. And some are expendable. It’s just a matter of do you want to spend 80 painful and meaningless years for the possibility of the life spark that history has shown you time and time again will never come? What’s the point of life if all the things you, as an individual, care about and find important is not available or accessible to you? What’s the point when you everything about who you are and what you do is wrong? I’m just starting to wake up, and stop living in this lala land that everyone is entitled to their happily ever after.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 466,"Title: Everytime I am somewhat happy, something bad happens which leaves me depressed.

Text: Im not talking extremely happy or overall in a good mood. I mean when I finally have some sort of grip in life, where I begin to find who I am and I begin to plan for the future.

Recently it has happened again

I don't know if I will ever get a sense of happiness if even the slightest understanding of myself will leave me more broken than before. Why should I continue to live if the one emotion that makes life worth it is cursed

Drugs are the only escape, a break from the bad emotions, with the downside of me feeling numb. I can't keep doing this, I don't want my life to be like this.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 467,"Title: NEED HELP ASAP

Text: I 22 (m) have been getting thoughts about offing myself for a couple of days now. I have been having a rough past year but I've been able to cope with it one way or another.
The first time that thought came into my mind was 3 months back and I almost couldn't control it, I was on the 4th floor doing something and suddenly had a thought that i should jump off, and I almost couldn't control myself. When I did get in control I broke into tears. After that day I had started doing some self help but couldn't make a habit out of it.
I didn't have any thoughts like that till yesterday.
Yesterday I was on my roof just listening to music while my mind was wandering around and suddenly I started thinking if I should off myself, how should I leave a note. I brushed that thought off and kept walking and wandering. And after that I kept on imagining jumping of the roof multiple times. I tried to change my thought but the thought was still in my mind. So I went down to my home. And when I was climbing the stairs down I had the thought again, imagining jumping down the stairs. I rushed into my room and cried again.
I know that I am strong enough that I won't act on the thoughts, but still can anyone help me in what I should do next. 
Idk what to do now. Pls I need help..

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 468,"Title: Death is only hard on the living

Text: And that’s the only thing keeping me here. 18 months ago I was ejected from a truck in a roll over accident, as a result I was paralyzed. My quality of life seems to worsen everyday; pain, no sleep, and being forced to relocated to the middle of nowhere are only a few of the contributors. I have two small children who basically are  my only tethers to this world. Not sure where I’m going with this just felt like venting somewhat.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 469,"Title: I need advice.

Text: Today my boyfriend of 4 years put his hands on me. When I woke up this morning I was exhausted because I have been looking after our baby day and nights by myself since he started working night shifts this week. 
I asked him for help because I was tired and I felt like he wasn’t helping me the way he should be, especially because it’s a weekend and I should get more help when he’s not working. To him it’s always me bitching and complaining but I’m just addressing how over fucking whelmed I am lately and it’s been making me depressed how much I have to do on my own around the house and for our son I feel like I have this huge weight on my chest. Anyways after telling him how I’m upset and he needs to be a better father and help more than he is he started becoming erratic. I told him I was done because I’m tired of him always giving me excuses to why he isn’t helping me out more and he got in my face and was getting crazy-like telling me to get the fuck out of the house. So I started packing my things. He then proceeded to tell me he hopes I die and that he regrets ever meeting me and that I’m a horrible mother and a horrible person and I went into our sons room to get him ready to leave. He came into the room and started with me again and got in my face. I told him to stop getting in my face and I showed him what he was doing cause he denied getting in my face. When I did that he grabbed me by my face aggressively and pulled me towards him screaming at me then let me go. He grabbed me so hard the inside of my ear cut open and bled for a hour. I walked out the room crying and went to call my step mom and he grabbed my phone begging me not to tell anyone or leave him and saying he was sorry and that he is gonna kill himself if I go. I’m so disappointed and so upset that this happened infront of our babies very two eyes. I left to my dads and I’m wondering if I should even go back I’m scared of him now. I’ve never been worried about anything like this until now.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_ongoing
Question 470,"Title: I feel selfish

Text: I look at other people who are suicidal, they have their reasons. I have no reason. I have future plans, I have friends, I have family. Even if I try to resist, I can't help but harm myself or want to suicide when I have a problem. I feel so selfish. My mom told me that my life was good, I had no reason to be suicidal and that I only wanted to commit suicide because I wanted attention. That was my first -and only for now- suicide attempt. I now think she is right. Maybe I'm selfish like she told me, maybe I just want more attention. Other teens have so many problems while I'm so chill compared to them. I don't know what to do.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","selfharm_past,suicideideation_active_past,suicideideation_passive_ongoing"
Question 471,"Title: help

Text: I'm not doing well

All i wanna do is die but I can't 

All i wanna do even more is self harm but I can't. I keep getting the tingling sensation in my arms which is when I know it's bad.

Every time I see someone new I automatically check to see if they've scars, see if they've ""ana arms"" and see all the ways i could use their bodies to trigger me 

I'm so obsessed with cutting again and I can't stop myself

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","selfharm_ongoing,suicideideation_passive_ongoing"
Question 472,"Title: ill never be who i want to be

Text: ill never be happy, my life is fucking miserable, ill never be a real girl, i hate being trans, i fucking hate it. i just want to be cis, its all i want i hate myself so bad i just want to die im gonna fucking kill myself im so tired

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 473,"Title: Screw it

Text: I don’t think I was meant to live past 2020 honestly

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 474,"Title: (VENT) I fucking hate how Sweden treats rape victims

Text: I swear to fucking god, if I see one more news article about a rapist who gets acquitted and gets money for “damages” from the Swedish court, I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL MYSELF (not serious). But seriously though, who would want to live in a country that PROTECTS RAPISTS and FUCKS OVER THE VICTIMS by giving the rapists money and freeing them from jail?!?! Not me at least.

I hope the judges who decided to give these rapists money and free them from jail gets raped in hell, because that’s what they fucking deserve.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 475,"Title: I just took a bunch of sleeping pills

Text: I gave in.  I thought I was getting better - I truly was seeing progress but and old flame came back and set me on fire again.  My parents see me as a burden.  I have no friends. I’m in constant physical pain from health issues and nothing works to make me feel better.  I took a bunch of Zolpidem. I don’t think I’ll die but I wish it was enough. I just want to sleep forever. My parents will probably put me in the same mental institution I was sexually assaulted in and leave me there so they won’t have to deal with me again. I’m so fucked. But I lost the battle. I tried to ask for help and people are sick of me and my woes so I’m done.  Sorry to all

Update: I called my dad and confessed because I chickened out and he has a heart condition and he just passed out and fell and is shaking all over.  I ruined everything. The guilt is so bad.  I threw up but I can’t undo the damage. I am so so so scared and I can’t escape

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","sexualharassment_past,suicideideation_active_ongoing"
Question 476,"Title: (Pt 2.)

Text: As the line between private and personal was crossed, not having my door, I was forced to interact with B more often. He was a drunk and would often times slip into my room intoxicated thinking I was my mother. Nothing too bad at first, not explicitly sexual touching- but still weird caressing. I told my grandmother this and she told me that it was just something women had to deal with. I then later tried talking to a school counselor- and was turned away- claiming I didn’t know the severity of the allegations I was throwing around. I was alone- apart from my sister… but she was 3 years younger than me. And at 13- that’s a major age gap.
 Sometime in this my mother and B broke up and we moved to another town. My mother still allowed him back into our lives despite moving to get away. She got pregnant again. We moved back in.
 This time was worse, because I was so depressed- moving, unstable home life, ect. I couldn’t motivate myself to leave my room anymore. Somewhat out of fear- partly out of self hatred. They had made mine and my sisters lives a nightmare. We always had bags packed because he would throw us out of the house often. 
 During some of B’s violent out bursts he would hold guns to our heads to make us cooperate. One of these nights I ran away into the bathroom and tried taking every pill in the medicine cabinet- I wanted to take myself out before he could. I didn’t want to give him that… I overdosed, woke up to my mom’s fingers down my throat forcing me to throw up. They didn’t send me to a hospital, but later put me in group therapy.
 During my duration at this therapy/school place they prescribed me anti-depressants and anxiety medication. I didn’t have access to the bottles myself at home, for obvious reasons, so B or my mom would give out medication.  B would always give me more than what was prescribed, and it would make me tired and loopy. During my time at the therapy/school place ( it was a go during the day come back home at night thing) B snuck into my room one night after giving me my medication. This time he didn’t stop. He forced himself on top of me and held his hand over my mouth and nose. I remember small details… thankfully my memory blacked most of that night out for me. I wasn’t able to look at him after that- every time I did I literally vomited. After finishing the therapy time I was advised to move in with my grandmother- so I did. 
 I tried telling my grandma about the rape but she told me she didn’t want to get cop involved because they would take away my sisters. I told my ex boyfriend at my moms house about what happened and once I moved the news spread like wildfire. My mom came down to my grandmothers house a month or so after moving to talk to me. She asked me about the rape, and I honestly told her what happened. She accused me of lying and ruining his reputation/ and how he was going to kill her if he heard the rumors. Then she left- leaving me feeling empty. 
 She recently left him again in 2020, and we got back in contact. Our relationship will never be the same, I hold her just as guilty as him. Everything was good. The girls were living with my mom, only occasionally seeing their dad…. Until my mom got a DUI a few months ago.B automatically tried to get custody from her. They went to court and the attorney my mom hired told us we couldn’t testify to what he did to us because there wasn’t enough evidence and it made my mom look bad. The judge gave him custody. Come to find out that the first of the 2 little girls born isn’t actually his kid. 
I’m so genuinely terrified the same thing will happen to her as it did to me and my full sister. I genuinely wouldn’t put it past him to do something that sick…

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","childabuse_endangerment_past,rape_past,suicideideation_active_past"
Question 477,"Title: Back to Harming Myself

Text: I wish I could say I'm surprised, but I'm really not.

Usually it's only a matter of time before I break my sober streak. 

I was off my meds for a while up until recently and now I'm back on them. Whole family is mad at me for lying to them for months, but ik that's just what I deserve.

I hope I end up dead, honestly.

Everything seems to have gone to shit, myself included. Living just doesn't seem like a suitable option to me. Also, a venting discord server I am in got nuked recently and now I don't have very many ppl to vent to. Just my best friend and my bf. However, I usually don't like venting to those two bc I know I'm just a burden.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","selfharm_ongoing,suicideideation_passive_ongoing"
Question 478,"Title: I’m done with life. I hate myself so much.

Text: I just want to take my blade and destroy my arm to the point I’ll fucking die because that is what a faggot retard like me deserves. I can’t stop fucking crying.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 479,"Title: every time i stop posting here it feels like im finally done with sh but of course im back here

Text: why must i exist

why cant i be brilliant, or at least good? im tired of being bad at everything i try to do

sorry

do i need to take note of anything when hitting myself on non-vital areas (not hard enough to fracture anything)

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 480,"Title: I feel the urge to hurt myself bad

Text: I don’t know why but I feel awful like I’m about to break and hurt myself, I’ve cut my arm a good bit and it’s noticeable, it’s the spot I always go to I’m sorry, I just feel so alone at 24 I have nothing I feel so empty and I just keep hurting myself, it’s all I have left, is to cut myself and cry my brain just hates me it seems

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 481,"Title: how am i still trauma bonded?

Text: it’s been almost two years since my family forced me to leave my ex when i came home with not even a black eye, but half of my face black. he punched me one time but it did the job. before that we’d had innumerable physical incidents. he pushed me and pinned me on the ground. choked me out. all that together one time, plus kicking me in the back while i was down. punched me in the ribs. but always would be so remorseful right after. then turn it around about how i was the reason he went off. but he has a history of domestic abuse in his family and always related it to me triggering something like his dad did so he just lashed out. somehow to this day i still believe him. through our social groups i’ve seen the growth he’s made and despite trying my hardest to avoid him at all costs i just want to talk to him and care for him as he’s trying to be better. but i just don’t think he could have changed this much. and my family would murder me for even contacting him. but he’s on my mind all the time. he was my first real love. why, despite the months of abuse, TWO YEARS AGO, do i not feel like i should hate him??? what is wrong with me?????

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_past
Question 482,"Title: I don’t know what to do

Text: I don’t know what to do. I F25 have been with my husband M25 since we were 17 years old. We got married when we were both 20 and have been married for over 5 years now. 

Yesterday he hit me. This has never happened before and he’s never even shown any violent habits. I just don’t understand what I did wrong. He had some alcohol but he drinks alcohol frequently and never gets violent with me. We argued over him spending $200 on Powerball tickets and some stupid drama he had with his cousin but I thought everything was fine. We argue like any normal couple and he’s never gotten violent with me. 

I just don’t know what to do. One second we were arguing and the next I was on the ground because he hit me across the face. He immediately looked remorseful but I kicked him out. 

He’s been calling and texting me non stop crying begging me to talk to him and that he was drunk and would never do it again. Do I believe him? Do I let him back into the condo and we just act like this never happened? 

To make matters much worse I’m 9 weeks pregnant with our first baby. We struggled with some infertility but we’re finally pregnant and we’ve both been so excited he’s gonna be such an amazing dad but now I don’t know what’s going to happen. 

I just need some advice on what I should do, please. I’m too embarrassed to tell my friends that the man they thought was perfect hit me across the face. I’ve been crying all day and it feels like I’m mourning the man I love so much. Do I stay with him?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_ongoing
Question 483,"Title: PSA: it sucks way more than you think to NOT call the police on him

Text: I really really really really really really really wish I would have had the clarity & strength to call the police on him any of the times he abused me… but I didn’t. Oh and also I lied to all my friends and family who suspected him of hurting me. And I lied to my doctor about where I got a black eye. DONT DO THIS - THIS IS VERY DUMB.

Becauseeee:
- survivors of domestic violence get to leave their leases (but not me, there’s no paperwork of domestic violence, so I have to live in the house where he was abusing me until my lease is up)
- he put a (non sexual) photo of me online and REFUSED TO TAKE IT DOWN, not easy to get a court order when there’s no paperwork of the abuse
- i have to live in fear because although there’s no video/photos, HE LURKS AROUND MY NEIGHBORHOOD and I can’t get a restraining order


Ladies and gentlemen, if someone is abusing you, CALL THE DAMN POLICE

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_ongoing
Question 484,"Title: Update to my post last week

Text: I just wanted to let everyone know that I have stuck to my guns about going through with the protective order. It’s been difficult but I’ve felt a relief and a peace inside myself that I haven’t felt for a long time. I had the locks and deadbolts changed on the front and back doors, installed cameras and have been very proactive about contacting people to let them know what is going on. I filed for the protective order in the middle of the night early Monday morning, went to court and got the 1 week order. The sheriff’s dept just attempted today to serve it and have been unsuccessful bc he is at work. I’m rather frustrated that the order doesn’t mean anything unless he’s served and that I won’t be able to get a final order until he’s served. I’ll have to keep going back to court to extend the one week order until they can serve him.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_ongoing
Question 485,"Title: I have too much evidence for my court case and it is overwhelming. I don't even know how to begin to make it coherent.

Text: I filed a DVPO against my abusive wife.  It was granted.  Then she counter filed against me and her DVPO was granted.  

So now we have a court case.   The lawyer said that they are asking for 3 hours as the case is now really complicated and there is so much evidence to present.

&#x200B;

I have so so many audio recordings of multiple hours of my wife just berating me over my past.  And threatening me and hitting me.

I can pick basically any audio segment and I being just verbally abused. 

&#x200B;

I am gathering relevant segments for the lawyers, but it is just overwhelming.   They ask:  ""can you get an excerpt of you being hit?""   And I am sitting here going:  well I have 20 to pick from.

&#x200B;

""can you get an excerpt of you being verbally abused?""      How many do you want?  I have hundreds.

&#x200B;

I just am lost at what to even pick and use.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_past
Question 486,"Title: I want to go back to how things were

Text: 3 weeks ago I went to the police looking for help. The police decided to arrest him even if I begged them not to. Since then, we cannot talk to each other. We have a son together. And I miss being the three of us. I feel guilty because I’m the one who put an end to all this. Maybe it was not that bad and I was imagining things. Maybe he was right and I was the one making trouble. 
Also, I feel so sad but relieved at the same time…

Our son is only 4 months old. His father and I never lived in the same appartment. I was living in a unit above his. His parents are my landlords. He didn’t want to live with me and I had to pay mostly everything. 
What if he finds someone else and become the man I was waiting for him to be? I just don’t know what to do anymore. 
I’m sad constantly. I feel like it will never get better.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 487,"Title: Help with breakup, possible abuse?

Text: 

So…my story is a bit difficult. I’m not sure I understand all of it myself, and I’m struggling to process it all. I was with my partner for 6 years, there was quite a big age difference we met when I was 21 and he was 42. 

When he was upset or angry with something I’d done he’d say things like: 

“I hope you’re happy now, you’ve got what you want, that little monster inside you can go masturbate over my distress.” 

For instance, I once looked up how to fix an issue he was having with his car, it looked like it would be more complex than he was describing and I noted that “online it says you’ll need this tool and screwdriver.” 

I was just trying to be helpful, but this sparked one of the massive arguments with him stating that I was trying to be a “ know it all” and “trying to bring me down.” I wasn’t I was just being honest and relaying what I read online. He was terrible with technology. And would get angry if I tried to help, but then would eventually ask me to do things for him, when I offered to teach him how to do them instead of just doing them for him, this sparked these arguments. 

I was told I couldn’t have any male friends, and that he thought women who had male friends were really just waiting for things to turn sexual and vice versa. He also didn’t want me having friends with people who didn’t share his views and finding those people is hard because they’re not a huge part of society. He believed in god but refused to go to church and didn’t like the label of “religious”…so I wasn’t sure who I could befriend because he didn’t seem impressed with church people, and he wasn’t impressed with people from work who weren’t religious…then when things would get really bad in fights he would say things like: 

“This is why you’ve got no friends.” 

“Like who? Who have you got who’d miss you if you were gone? Who’s life is better because you’re in it? THATS RIGHT NO ONE.” 

“You’re just a Psycho bitch, a horrible little girl. Complete personality disorder, watching you PD out all over the place.” 

“You think you’re smart but you’re not that smart, people know you and see you for what you really are. And if you think there’s not people who talk about you at work and managers that judge you then you’re wrong. I know you’ve got some wrapped around your finger with a sob story but there are those who see right through you.” 


Slowly it became that I just felt like a horrible awful person with no redeeming features and every fight we had was my fault. It wasn’t until I was broken down crying saying 

“I am awful and selfish and narcissistic and horrible, I’m so sorry.” And basically begging for forgiveness that things ever relaxed. He’d become nice and things would get on for a while, then another fight would happen and we’d be back to this. Id apologise for so much and challenge nothing because he was terrifying when he was angry. He smashed things up, kicked a piece of kettle just past my head after shattering it, stabbed a knife into a shopping board, smashed a mirror, held me up against a wall, grabbed me by the arms to pull me back, push his face right into mine and get into my personal space, punch the furniture, go red in the face, grit and grind and bear his teeth, spit, it was so shocking and horrific that I’d agree to and do almost anything to end it. Plus he’d say that I was purposely making him angry. I wasn’t because it scared me, every time. But eventually I came to believe that these were all things that I was doing and I couldn’t for the life of me get a grip because even when I felt like I’d done nothing wrong, it turned out I’d done something wrong. 

Once he drove me to work and we both parted sadly saying goodbye and that I didn’t want to leave him for work Etc, just sweet nice things. Just as I was leaving the car and he was still parked, someone walked into the building who we both knew and dislike  was walking in and I texted “it just gets even worse, leaving you and seeing (insert name) xxxx.” 

And when I got home he was raging stating that I was deliberately spoiling things and looking for something to complain about, and was bringing him down with my work drama. I didn’t mean that at all! I just meant it made it harder to leave him! Because I loved him and wanted to stay at home with him and seeing someone difficult to work a shift with was even harder on leaving. 



Basically it came to an end and there was a fight in which he put his hands on me and was screaming and punching things so loud that a neighbour called the police. I fled to family and said to the police I didn’t wish to do anything. 

Now obviously we are no contact, but my head is a mess. He wanted me to thank him for everything he had done for me, and he did do some things for me and help me and I felt I had thanked him appropriately at the time, but there was a lot I wasn’t thankful for. And I couldn’t compute it all because I don’t know if I am awful or horrible and did all of this and am so messed up that I basically drove an older guy to the absolute limit where he was telling me “you’re lucky I’m not beating you up.” 


I just feel so confused. At points now, almost 3 weeks later, I still want to email him to say I’m sorry and beg him to take me back, only now I’m split in two by the fact that I don’t really want that and I don’t think he was right about everything.   I also feel very embarrassed and like I let this all happen to me and basically gave someone more control over me and made their opinion matter more than my own and that was stupid and it’s seriously messed me up. 

I don’t know what to do or what to feel, and I would welcome any advice and thank anyone who takes the time to read this.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_past
Question 488,"Title: “Your dad would never hurt you”

Text: I’m currently safe at a friend’s house after having called the cops on my dad. It’s been a couple months since then, and I got a text message from my mom telling me that she doesn’t think my dad would hurt me. It’s so weird to know things are back to “normal” at home. I will never forget how scared she looked in her eyes when she told me to call the cops while trying to bar my door with her body.

I feel a little weird tonight. As if I’ve been dramatic this whole time. I don’t want to go back home, but I feel like I’m slowly running out of resources to stay away.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",childabuse_endangerment_past
Question 489,"Title: Financial abuse

Text: I need other peoples experiences of ex claiming child benefit. 

Recently my child benefit has stopped which has left in a bit of a pickle. My ex is constantly trying to get me to pay things and take money away from me. My ex put the child benefit in my name and now he has stopped this by claiming, even though he’s earning £60k a year. 

Does anyone consider this financial abuse?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 490,"Title: My sister was trying to save me…

Text: Just so you know upfront, I’m out and safe - been that way for almost a year. My sister recently shared the depth of her efforts towards the end of my marriage to reach out to DV support groups and figure out what to do to get me out of a violent marriage. 

This is hard to read, but I wanted to share what she posted in a DV Facebook group. I couldn’t believe it as I read it now, months after I’ve been out, but I realize how blind I was and how I continuously justified my husband’s behavior. And for what??? Just a reminder that nothing is worth being treated like this.

This is what she wrote: 
“I have a sister who lives out of state, but her and I are close. She is in an abusive (mentally, emotionally, physically) marriage and openly has started to reveal the abuse to me. I’ve offered to go get her and her belongings and bring her back here, but she claims she’s not ‘ready’ to leave him. How would you go about offering support to someone who really NEEDS you, but also encourage her to leave? She has no other family there with her. So, how do I help her with her not wanting to leave him yet? Triggering, but some of the abuse she tells me about includes weight-shaming, choking/pushing/hitting, awful name-calling, etc.”

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_past
Question 491,"Title: mom bought me a new car to try and make up for her abuse

Text: my mother is an abuser who freely takes everything out on all of us in the form of screaming and hitting. my dad is a pushover who will never do anything about it and enables her to do whatever she wants. just a few days ago the police got called to our house because my mom kept hitting my dad. i am calling him a pushover because despite my siblings and i urging to divorce her, he won't do anything and complies with all of her plans. this has made my life a living fucking nightmare. today my mother tried to make up for everything she has done by buying a new car for me with my dad in on it, despite me adamantly refusing to get one and being perfectly fine walking or biking everywhere. i am mad and frustrated that she now has something new to hold against me and everyone in my life is calling me ungrateful when i had absolutely no say in the matter. i feel weak and stupid and like i'll never get anywhere and i just want to cry my eyes out but ill even be punished for that. i know it sounds dumb but i wanted to earn it for myself and prove to myself that i was capable but this cycle of gifting once im so close to reaching my goals and then feeling like they have the right to abuse me will never end. they just keep repeating the same shit and expecting everything to ""go back to normal"" after im done throwing a ""tantrum."" i hate this and even when i move out ill never be able to escape them. i hate my life and my parents. they are so fucking pathetic but i am too

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",childabuse_endangerment_past
Question 492,"Title: “One year sober”

Text: 
A year ago today was the last time I spoke to my ex. And every day since then has been a better today. I’ve grown in my self-esteem, my confidence, financially, independently, and so many other ways. At the time, I had no idea I was being held back. It was *normal*. Everything that I was going through... 

The physical abuse was SUCH a small part of it. People often think domestic abuse = physical abuse. And that is not true. The emotional abuse, the mental abuse, the gaslighting, the games, the drinking and drugs, the cheating, the verbal abuse... In my opinion, it’s all so much worse. Because the physical stuff heals over time. But the mental stuff stays with you forever. 

I still have flashbacks. Nightmares. Panic attacks. Especially when I know I will have to see him for whatever reason. But I officially have broken all ties from him. No more joint anything. And a protective order in place to boot. 

If you’re in need of help, seek out someone you can trust ! My inbox is ALWAYS open for those that need to vent, or could use resources. If you’re in danger and do not know how to get out, confide in someone. Don’t do it alone !

Forever grateful for my best friend who was there for me even when I made the wrong decisions. And thankful for the family who stood beside me after my whole life fell apart. I can honestly say my life is much better than it ever has been. And it’s because I decided my life was worth it. 💜

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_past
Question 493,"Title: Hey I have a might be domestic violence situation from one of my neighbors.

Text: There was some shouting and then also some slapping or possibly clapping behind the door. I don't know what's going on. It's interesting because it's sort of a one room apartment. I don't really know what to do. I didn't call the police but I don't know how to confirm my suspicions or not. You can also check back on this post. I'll try to keep you updated.

I just don't know if I should mind my own business or not. I mean maybe it was just a guy who was watching the game and he was clapping. I just don't want something bad to happen and then me thinking that I could have done something but I had suspicions.

Also, I'm sorry if this is the wrong subreddit to post is in.

Also, I'm sorry if I'm using the wrong flair.

Edit: I started hearing stuff at 4:10pm sep 11

Update: I decided to knock and it was just a single person. It was a guy but he said he was just watching the game. If I hear the sound again I might ask again. See what's going on, but for now I'll assume it was just the game.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 494,"Title: Reminding myself

Text: I need to get some of this out of my system. I need reminding how truly awful he treated me.

Abuse isn’t always about punches or chunks of hair being ripped from your skull. 

I had been cleaning our apartment, hadn’t gotten around to throwing out the bathroom trash yet. He came home from work and went to wash up. In his hands he had a dirty paper towel. 

He starts asking me if anyone was in the apartment with me. I said, no. He asked me about the paper towel. I said I had used it to clean the mirrors. He got in my face screaming and accusing me of having a man in our apartment. Saying the paper towel had semen on it. He was in a rage and tossed me around. 

He put the dirty paper towel in a ziplock plastic bag. A couple days later he tells me we’re going to take a ride. We wind up at a lab where he hands over that dirty paper towel and asks for it to be analyzed. Then he wants me to swab my cheek to check my DNA against the paper towel. I refused. 

All this was done in front of a very confused looking technician. I was beyond humiliated. Then my husband did a cheek swab. The look on the technician’s face, I’ll never forget. I was so angry and I felt defiance boil up in my throat. I said to the technician, “we are here because my husband thinks I’m a whore and is convinced someone’s semen is on that paper towel. Nice right? Oh and try not to look at me too much because when we leave he’ll accuse you of hitting on me.” 

I walked out and knew a beating would come once we got home. He paid a few hundred dollars to have these tests run. Nothing was found on the dirty paper towel. 

The humiliation I will never forget. I have to keep reminding myself this wasn’t normal. I have to believe our divorce was necessary. He leaves in 3 weeks. My heart is broken. I didn’t deserve this pain.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_past
Question 495,"Title: I contacted the abuse hotline

Text: I sent a message because I have anxiety and it's hard for me to make phone calls. I asked to go to refuge for myself and my children because he has isolated me and I need support to rebuild our lives. They said can only do it via phone so now I'm waiting for them to call me.

When I sent the email I was feeling empowered but when they messaged back it started to feel real. I came over very sick and dizzy and cried a bit. 

He's been good this week but I know it never lasts, I have been ignoring all these red flags for years thinking he was just insecure and I could somehow prove myself to him. However all I have done is destroyed myself trying. I have been reading Why Does He Do That? so now the wool has been pulled from my eyes and I can't live like this anymore.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_ongoing
Question 496,"Title: Trying to help my sister when she isn't seeking help

Text:  My sister is 25 y/o, and she is working as a teacher's aide and after-school aid. She is living with my grandfather rent-free so she should be able to save her money and prosper in life. 

But she is dealing with a stupid, abusive bum. He doesn't work, he blames everyone else for the issues in his life. He used to sell a Lil weed, but he is too lazy to even do that. 

My sister was living with him at his mother's house rent-free, so to him, she is indebted to him for life. Even though it wasn't his house and he wasn't paying rent either. Right now she says she is trying to stay away from him. But she is just on a roller coaster ride with him and keeps going back. Even his parents don't deal with him because he is a menace, he use to destroy his mother's house because she ruined his life. 

But now all his attention is aimed at my sister,  now she is bringing him down. His mother moved and let her lease run out so he and my sister had to move out. Now, my sister has a family who loves her, she is living with my grandfather, he is not allowed at my grandfather's house because no one in the family likes him, he gets cussed out even if he comes to the door, he can't even run in to use the bathroom. 

He is homeless and sleeping in his car. I told her this is the perfect opportunity for her to get him out of her life. But he refuses to leave her alone. She keeps making bad decisions,  but by the time she realizes it, it's too late. Now she got an apartment, in her name, where she has to pay rent, all so he won't have to sleep in his car. But then he acted a fool so she blocked him and says she not dealing with him. 

 A few days ago he came to my grandfather's house and was just kicking her car, my uncle went out to confront him and they got into a fight. Yesterday he comes over and she is on the phone with him crying begging him to leave saying she going to come out, when she goes out she hurries to her car but he gets out hitting her window and telling her she ruined his life, and he been lost his grandparents, (because we lost our grandmother a year ago, the only real death our immediate family has dealt with. So he is belittling the loss of our grandmother) Then she drives off and he follows her. 

She is back at my grandfather's house, but I  am sure he forced her to allow him to stay at the apartment. I am sure he is forcing her to give him money also since he doesn't work.  My grandfather has a door cam so my mother and I save all the videos of him harassing her. He was arrested around June for threatening her. She didn't press charges. 

One issue is she doesn't want anyone in her business, she is not open and she lies to us. It is so frustrating because I want to deal with the situation with the court, if he is homeless they got free beds in jail.  But she will probably cut us off for being in her business. She doesn't know that my mother and I have access to the door cam, when she found out that my aunt had access to it she didn't stay at my grandfather's house for a while.  So we are keeping our access a secret so that she can remain in a safe place. 

I am basically a private detective, I know how to use the internet very well. I know his full name, his mother's full name and lineage, I know his father's full name, I know his sister and half-brother. I have his parent's work emails. I want to email them every current and future video we have of him harassing my sister. It just feels like they washed their hands of him and now he is my sister's responsibility.  Though she didn't spawn him and they are not married.  At some point, they wanted to admit him to a mental institution because he really does seem bipolar but they don't follow through on anything. I don't care about his mental issues when he is physically and emotionally threatening my sister. I just don't know how to get through to her, everything I do right now has to be from afar, and in secret. My heart hurts and I have anxiety,  my mother is being so strong, and feels like all we can do is advise her and pray. 

He is really poison in her life, every time she makes a step forward in her quality of life there he is to tear her down.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 497,"Title: Please let her be gone for good

Text: Likely I'll delete this post, but I'm shaky as hell and gotta put this somewhere so it doesn't rattle around in my brain too much.

To start, I'm a guy, 45, 6'2"", white. She's black, 5'8"" - PTSD from childhood trauma with BiPolar and Borderline Personality Disorder, severe alcoholic and addiction issues. Married for 15 years, ended and filed a month ago, the week after she moved out.

15 years of ongoing abuse. I've been bitten, hit, kicked, scratched and torn till I bled, punched, and beaten with a 15lb silver tray so hard the handle broke off. After she decided she didn't need the anti-psychotics anymore, when she wasn't physically attacking me, she'd be screaming at the ceiling at people she hadn't seen in 15 years. Then she'd just start screaming at me - the most horrible, racist, abusive, vulgar, insane crap I'd ever heard in my life. For a while, she thought that Obama was spying on her and trying to rape her. It was like conspiracy Tourettes.

She's had restraining orders, court ordered anger management, court ordered medication, and nothing has worked. She's gone to jail because of it, talked her way out of mental wards, and promised a million times to change. A million lies.

And now she's gone. Or so I thought. 

Yesterday she shows up, doesn't knock, barges into the house. I manage to talk her back outside, give her some money to leave, tell her she can't come back and that she's trespassing. She throws a suitcase at me and starts screaming and crying. Then she takes her top off.

O fuck no. I'm so not dealing with this.

In 5 seconds flat I'm back in the house, lock the door, call the cops. They're there fast, and find her sitting on the porch, smoking a bowl. It's the fourth time they've had to visit in a year. 

Have to give props to them, and the really kind 911 operator who stayed with me on the call. I was pretty much in full blown panic attack - heart racing, trouble breathing. 

I know that the cop who came in and spoke to me didn't quite know what to think - why a big guy like me was terrified. Hell, I was a full head taller than him. But I knew how crazy and irrational she could be - for a long time, I had refused to drive her anywhere because she had a tendency to try to jump out of the car when she got angry. 

When the crazy switch flips on for her, it's the kind of crazy that will burn the whole world down. It has no regard for her safety or others. 

But thank god the cop got it. He began to understand as I explained. He gave me the option to have her arrested, but I just needed her gone. 

I know she's sick. I know that what was done to her in her childhood was horrible and broke her in ways that can never be fixed. I know that there is a small part of her that loves me - if for nothing else than my dedication to our marriage for 15 years. 

But I'm certain now that if I let her back into my life, she'll kill me. 

We stopped sleeping in the same bed months ago. I woke up one night to find that she had a knife in hand, and had stabbed herself in the leg. 

She was looking at me like she had decided to stab herself rather than me.

I got her cleaned up as best I could - she refused to go to the doctor, said it had been an accident.

After that, I slept on the couch next to the phone and front door. 

....

Sorry, scattered,  I know. She's gone now - the cops took her someplace and gave her an official stay away order. I tried to make it to the courthouse today to file a DV restraining order, but I'm so damn shaky I can't breathe. Hell, couldn't even make it into work - didn't sleep at all.

Just thanking God that she's gone and that the kids were at their grandparents. Thanking God that I reacted fast enough before she did real damage this time. 

And prone to breaks where I'm sobbing because goddamn... just goddamn... let it be downhill from here, please. Let it be over.

EDIT: Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented - I'm too fried to respond individually, but it means a lot.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_past
Question 498,"Title: i can’t express my emotions

Text: i used sh as an escape when i was young. but since the whole ordeal with my parents sending me away, laughing at me, and mocking me, i have no way to express anything.


i feel like a cluster of emotions that are just building up. i cry at the most smallest things and get angry at tiny details. i laugh at the wrong times as i’m busy thinking about something else.

i feel so messed up, i can’t get what i’m feeling aligned and it’s shit.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_past
Question 499,"Title: Okay, I’ve been thinking about this all day and others have said it’s weird so please help me.

Text: So me (14F) had gotten into a argument with my (17M) brother. He treated my mum like shit and didn’t eat her dinner she spent ages on and was being overall crappy. And he was apologising and I went to walk the other way. And he asked for a hug, so he hugged me from behind and put his arms like right on my chest. I wasn’t wearing a bra and I’m on the larger side and his arms and hands kinda like touched my boobs, not like brushing against them. He sat them there and kept the hug for like 15 seconds. (It feels weird typing it out sorry) another thing, a few times before he has touched my boobs but that was last year and I hope they were by accident.
There are a few other things that have happened but dm if you wanna know ig

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_past
Question 500,"Title: I can't wait to leave my family

Text: For context, I am a 21yo female and 5 years ago I moved cities with my grandma and my mom. So we moved to my aunt's house that she shared with her husband and then their infant child. After a while, my mom, grandma and I got our ""own"" place really close to my aunt. After a few months of living so close to them, I noticed my uncle was looking at me, but I didn't want to make a big fuss about it. But as time went by, his looks became stares, and compliments towards me  such as 'beautiful' or 'cute' became 'hot'. I can't even remember the first time he made a sexual comment, but I do remember that I was still 17 (and I had just started a relationship that's still going strong to this day) when he told me these exact words 'boys your age are stupid and they don't know how to please a woman. I can show you, you'll love it. If only you'd know what the tongue can do'. That's when I started really paying attention to his behavior. Every single time we were alone he would talk about sex. He used to touch me on my legs and my outer thighs while riding his motorcycle, or moving my hands away from his waist and onto his breasts while at a red light. I always fought back. Always raising my voice, always pulling or pushing away. But one day it got oit of hand. I was in their kitchen, my aunt and their little 3 or 4 yo boy were in the living room next to me. He came into the kitchen and grabbed my bottom. I slapped him and started screaming, but I was too afraid to tell my aunt what he did. She shouted something at him but he started laughing, like it was cute and funny. Years went by with sexual jokes, propositions, 'lecturing' me about not calling him while I was home alone, porn videos sent on WhatsApp, wearing ripped shorts with no underware so his balls would show and so on. 
A little over a month ago my mom came into my room and told me that she has something to say to me, but has no idea how to tell me. Eventually she said that my uncle (her brother-in-law) used to touch her 'jokingly' and at one point he told her not to sit like that because he's getting hard very easily. On another occasion, he showed my mom his vibrators collection and where he keeps his lube, but he made her promise not to tell his wife. My grandma hated him from day one. So I didn't believe her when she let something gross about him slip out. She told me that he used to call her into his room while his wife was at work, so that they could watch porn together and other times suggested she should have sex to relax, because since she's no longer married she definitely needs it. But now I believe her with all my heart and soul. This man is sick. But I was stupid enough to delete all his messages, and although I knew he'll say something disgusting every single time we would be alone, I never recorded him. I'm still hoping he'll stop. I'm praying he'll stop. I told my boyfriend a lot of things, I finally opened up to my mom about everything I can remember about him, I told some of my friends, but I don't have any actual proof. I've been harassed by this man for years and I didn't record anything. I feel really stupid because of it. My family is really fucked up. There is a lot of hate and mental abuse going on, so I'm used to feeling like shit when I'm with them. But it is NOT normal to feel like a piece of meat. It is NOT normal to be touched or spoken to in that manner. 
I've been on holiday with my aunt, little cousin and that monster for 3 days now and I'm writing this from my hotel room. I was pressured into coming with them by my money-hungry grandma that wants me to go on free vacations with them so I can't go with my friends and actually pay for things. We're at the sea side and I kid you not, I went on the beach with them wearing literal boys shorts and a tank top. I never wear shorts around him, but on the beach I had to. I stopped wearing actual shorts (only biker ones, that go down close to your knee) and dresses. This morning we were at the hotels restaurant for breakfast and my aunt and cousin left us alone for 5 minutes. We were talking about this virus, I got caught up in the conversation and told him that i do believe in it because I have an auto immune disease and I'm screwed if I get sick. And he told me 'yea, you are really sensitive. Your skin is sensitive, you are sensitive. You'll have major problems when you'll have sex'. (He still thinks I'm a virgin because I don't react well when he's harassing me). With people eating around us. I got up and left. My aunt called me, I told her briefly what he said and she seemed upset. But she started laughing when I told her face to face every single word of our conversation. And I felt powerless. How can a woman laugh in another woman's face? I guess she thought he was joking with me or she was laughing at how stupid he is. But still, she laughed while I was telling her a small portion of the harassment her husband inflicts on me. 
I never told her anything. I love this woman. She raised me, she inspired me, she is really smart and caring. But when it comes to him, she's 100% blind. Willingly blind. My grandma told her about her husband. So what? I told her what happened this morning and that it wasn't the first time and she was laughing. 
I'm a law student. I know I should go to the police, but I also know I need proof. He is in the police force, I would assume something similar to a SWAT member in America (we're Eastern Europeans so I don't really know the police ranks), which means no one will ever believe me. Not even his wife would believe me. And maybe I'm just emotional, but I don't want her to blame me for losing her marriage. Not that she has one to loose. They share the house and his name. Other than that, they kinda seem to hate each other. He's always calling her fat, ugly and stupid (although she's a psychiatrist), he's cursing his own child, he never buys him toys or books at his own will, he only buys beer and meat for the BBQ, never actual food or something for the house, she gives him money for cigarettes, she pays the bills. She would be fine in her own. But I'm sure she'll never leave him. So after I finish college, I'll be leaving them. For good.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","childabuse_endangerment_past,sexualharassment_ongoing"
Question 501,"Title: My Stepdad is dangerous

Text: My stepdad is your all round nice guy, he’s a paramedic, he used to be in the Military, he’s got lots of stories, everyone loves him.

But at home, he is the most narcissistic, nasty, hurtful, emotionally manipulative and scariest person I’ve known.

My whole life I’ve grown up with my mum having abusive partners, drug dealers and takers, people who would physically abuse my mum and I’d see it, I had to call the police on one occasion when I was 7, but none of them scared me as much as my current stepdad.

He has threatened to kill me on a few occasions, and once when in a physical heated moment with my mum, he threatened to kill her and her whole family if she called the police on him (she was trying to, but he threw the phone across the room)

He gaslights me and my mum every single day, calls me and her “liars” “cunts” etc. He is also extremely controlling, has cut my mum off from her friends and most of our family, he puts us down all the time and says we are a waste of oxygen etc.

Sometimes he can honestly be the nicest person ever, but these abusive tendencies seem to be growing more year on year.

I am 19 and I work full time, from home, I pay £500+ a month rent to my parents, and still usually end up paying for my own food. I am actually moving out in September, as me and my boyfriend have secured an apartment, but I’m still here for another 2 months and I don’t know how I’m gonna get through it.

I’m so tired of being treated like an insignificant child who spends “all day in her bedroom”, yeah, fucking working and earning money, it’s not like I’m playing video games all day.

It’s not as easy as people think for me to just up and leave for 2 months, as I don’t have anywhere to keep my stuff (like clothes and tv and all my furniture etc) so I’m literally stuck here.

I’m also so scared of what he might do to my mum when I’m gone, as there was an incident when I was in university (that “throwing phone across the room” one, where he alas I grabbed her and pulled her up the stairs by her hair)

So I’m literally so worried.

I’ve always grown up like this, but idk, I’m more scared of him, especially since I know he’s killed people before in his jobs.

Also, he has NO family at all, and no Social Medias, he’s legit untraceable, and that scares me even more.

What do I do? Can anyone give me any advice please, it’s so hard because on day he will be nice again and it’s like we forget all the bad times, is this normal?

Also I have ADHD, Anxiety and suspected Autism, and of course he is always ableist about that. Not to mention he makes jokes out of my self harm scar on my arm, and he’s also quite racist too (complains when black people are on adverts, says the N word, etc)

Please help 🙏❤️

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_past
Question 502,"Title: Head problems

Text: Does anyone else have the problem where you say in your head who you want to see you even if they aren't close to you and you still feel like they can see you and hear what you're saying in your head and if you’re listening to music you can give them the option to listen to it too as well as listen to what you’re saying in your head

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 503,"Title: I know life is not fair but...

Text: Sometimes i just wish that it would be for the lonely, for the broken, for the weeping. 

My ex and I broke up a month ago mainly bcs I'm moody, i get unpredictable and I'm projecting unto him the frustrations and sadness that comes along with depression and anxiety. It's my fault and i know that, i should have controlled my emotions more and tried to be the most stable and there wasn't a day that goes by that i don't regret what i did even if it's not intentional. I miss him so so much and i never thought he would give up on me that easily bcs he always promised me that my issues are something he's sure we'll overcome together. 

I've always been a picky one when it comes to relationships mainly bcs of my commitment and trust issues and he's the second guy I've only been with bcs i don't want to burden anyone with all this baggage and i have to admit that i don't easily let my guard down, i don't let anyone enter my life easily. But then he came and showed me that it's okay, that it's safe to let those walls down around him. When we started talking, he confessed his feelings for me but i have to reject him the first time bcs i know I have issues and I don't wanna drag him down the same shit, but he pursued me and made me feel that he's gonna stay no matter what. Later on, i eventually fell for him bcs he's always sincere, attentive and such a caring and loving person. 

Fast forward to a number of months later, eventually, he must have gotten tired of me, having a depressed and clad in anxiety girlfriend must have made him realize that I'm not worthy of all the bumps we're going through and call it quits. 

He's still one of the most wonderful people i know, he may have broken my heart but it still won't change how i see him as a genuine and warm person but there's a part of me that hopes we shouldn't have met. 

Hi Z, you shouldn't have promised me that you'll stay when you know you wouldn't. I wasn't doing the best before we met, but it's certainly not as bad right now after you left. I've been crying every night for a month, wishing for this pain to end, there's a gaping whole in my heart that i don't know what to fill, there's a void in my life that haunts me in every waking hour that i live. Now I'm in the worst place than I've ever been while you're happy and moving on with your life, didn't even take you a month to heal. 

I know life isn't fair but can it make exceptions for the people with a broken heart? 

P.s. I know this post is not the most well structured and chaotic but pls bear with me bcs I'm crying and clinging for dear life rn, I'm a mess, a sad and broken hearted mess listening to Little Mix singing ""Don't say you're hurting without the scars. Don't promise me tonight without tomorrow too. Don't say you love me unless you do""

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 504,"Title: I really need someone to talk to

Text: I’m in the hospital for the next month or so with 2 staph infections in my brain and skin. I’ve never felt so isolated, so crushingly haunted by the lack of everything good in the world- mostly people. I miss my dog. I miss my parents and sister. I miss my backyard, my room, my stupid life. I miss heroin. Is there anybody out there?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 505,"Title: I hate to hear ""Just be yourself""

Text: Like whenever someone says that, I get internally mad. Which one, there are so many sides that all wanna be me, and the current version I am is a non-polished someone that hurts other and in the end hurt me due to hurting them.

Like yeah, I understand that i should not try to be someome else. I totally get that....tell that now to the differrent contradicting personalities and their traits in my head.

And the only reason I am afraid to take meds against that(if there are meds), is that I am the one version of me that I hate to be. The way to insecure one...that has probably borderline.

Sry for the vent, the whole situation is just... difficult and I want to scream

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 506,"Title: Anyone wanna play the question game?

Text: This feels like an AMA but the difference is that I’m lonely, stressed out, *and* and I both love answering and asking innocent or personal questions. If you’d rather ask me way more questions than I ask you, that’s fine, I just really *really* need to feel like I have a friend right now. The first friend I’ve seen in a month just and I don’t wanna be alone this late.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 507,"Title: Do you find it hard getting out of bed?

Text: More often then not. I wake up, and have zero motivation to crawl out of bed. I'll just lay there, thinking about things. Or reaching for my phone and browsing though the same things I usually do. Then in what feels like ten minutes, a couple of hours have flown by.

I figure there are many reasons for me. Depression mostly. Not having any real obligations. Knowing that when I get up, I'll be starting the same cycle of doing the same mundane crap I always do.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 508,"Title: I feel like everytime someone talked to me its out of pity

Text: I'm 14M and I'm always alone I almost never talk to people and when I do I Have to start the conversation and they are often times completely uninterested and I only really even text with one person but I think they just talk to me outta pity I've tried to make more friends but it's not working and I constantly hear about people talking about dateing and thier friends and stuff while I just sit alone most people forgot my name it hurts so much I'm truly alone

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 509,"Title: Does anyone get anxiety around dinner time?

Text: For me this has been happening for years. I finish work and survive the commute home, and when I'm all settled in at home it hits me... feels like panic plus a sinking feeling in my stomach.

Maybe I'm expecting company around this time? I try to ward it off by calling family or even a crisis support line. Sometimes it works and sometimes the anxiety gets worse.

Just curious to see if this happens to anyone else... You're not alone and I'm here to talk it over with you 🙂

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 510,"Title: maybe?

Text: Wish there was a way to find someone you've only seen once and you probably will never see again.  One can only hope and dream. Kinda sucks that it was though. Like you type in the description of that person and they just pop up. Should've just went and asked for a number fr.  I'm screaming at myself inside. Violently screaming. It sucks, I suck. 
Thanks for coming to my Ted talk on how dumb I am. Fuck

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 511,"Title: 34m nyc Lonely boy

Text: So what do you do when ur lonely. I got the radio on in one room, a movie playing in the next. It’s helps, not much tho.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 512,"Title: Feeling lonely if you want you can Dm me

Text: Hey I just looking for lonely people like me who want to chat.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 513,"Title: Am I happy in my marriage?

Text: Sorry if this is long winded, first time posting anything and first time saying any of this out loud. I’ll try to make it short. I’ve recently discovered that I’m not processing things (trauma/grief) in a healthy way and I’m trying to improve my mental health because it’s slowly eating at me. I have been married for 3 years, together for 10 with a 1 year old son. Recently I had began talking to a girl I work with, completely harmless at first but it slowly slipped into something we couldn’t control. We both confessed we had feelings yet we both are married and understand we can’t follow through. To make a bad situation worse, her husband discovered our texts and she almost lost her marriage over it, and in doing so he was going to tell my wife everything as well. We cut off all communication and she went into damage control mode and I’ve been going through in my head what I would do if the situation came to light, which is how I wound up here. With starting to look at my mental health I’m starting to wonder if I am truly happy with my wife or if I’m just doing it because of our son. Probably not the place to post this but I really didn’t know where else to go. How do you know if you’re truly happy or if you’ve just been faking it so long you believe your own lie? Life sucks sometimes.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 514,"Title: the last 10 years

Text: I'm not sure where to start I could go all way back to being a white kid growing up in Minneapolis in the 90's but as awful as that was I think thing really went south about 10 years ago. I was 20 or 21 when my friend group started falling apart, for the first time in my life I finally had friends and even though I was awkward sometimes they still showed love and it seemed like maybe I finally fit in somewhere. By the time I was 22 they were all gone the whole group was imploding and breaking apart and before I knew it no one was talking to anyone and that began 10ish years of one routine, go to work, count the seconds, go home, lock myself in the basement and watch Netflix, go to bed, and repeat. When I was 26 I started working out, still had no friends and no prospects of getting any better at socializing but I was at least fill most of that spare lonely time with something productive  and healthy plus It gave me a sense of purpose and a goal to work towards, basically just a reason to get out of bed. By the time 2020 hit things were looking pretty good, I had been working out for a 2 or 3 years and I was so invested in it that even when the gyms closed I built a gym in my garage out of sand, concrete and pipes and got really into strongman workouts for the next year or so I also got promoted at work. I was promoted to closing lead at target right when the pandemic hit, and it felt really cool at first . It felt like everything was coming together again I finally had the ""big boy job"" that I knew I needed to grow up and get, I was in shape and healthy, I didn't have anxiety attacks about having heart attack anymore I didn't need my inhaler any more I didn't wake up in the morning coughing and trying to breath from athsma, I was was starting to get addicted to being that crazy dude in the office who goes home after work and spends 2 to 3 hours doing crazy elaborate workouts chucking 50 to 75 lb sand bags over my garage and pressing 100 lb kegs over head. At this point I've lost everything again. Pretty soon after I got promoted probably a couple months in it became apparent that in corporate America there are no excuses, pandemic or no pandemic new leader or not 100,000 dollar day or a 300,000 dollar day figure it out... I admittedly am not the best manager I didn't know until recently but apparently I have pretty severe ADHD and when your one of 3 people running a super target during the closing shift when half the days sales are made and the rest of the morning leaders have suspiciously bounced right out the door as soon as you got there AND you're incharge of grocery, the busiest area it gets tough. I'm also not very confrontational where I grew up that's how kids got killed when you didn't have anyone to back you up things were still pretty race divided in the 90s and at one point I was 1 of 10 white kids in the school. So I started to spiral pretty quick in that job I was an extremely cut throat culture no body owned up to anything they just looked for people to throw under the bus and when you're one of the morning leaders higher up the pole it's always easy to throw the closers under. Or it's just ridiculously unrealistic and unattainable goals of absolute and total perfection nothing less I was literally told by by store director once ""I noticed there's no ice cream scoop on this endcap"" meanwhile the night before she had NO CLUE the apocalypse that came through those doors and that every single person in that store worked as hard as the could and for the most part it looked pretty damn good but no ice cream scoop so ya know... another time I just got in and got pulled into the office by a morning etl who was known for looking for anyone she could to pass the buck to and got blamed for a light that got lost in the receiving area because I was back there helping even though it wasn't my job because it's what was needed so not only is it not my light nor am I the receiving team lead and I have no fucking clue what this light even looked like it must have been me not ya know the etl who was suppose to have it put up 2 weeks ago. I came home every night to a dark apartment spinning out think about what I might have missed what some one might try to pin on me what I'm going to get chewed out for what if I lose this job I keep trying and trying and pouring everything I have and then some and still coming up short before I knew it I was smoking weed to just get my thoughts to stop racing otherwise my every thought was consumed by that place every second of everyday I grew to not even care about Friday cause what's the point when you're gonna go in on Monday and get chewed out for something that happened on the weekend when you weren't there. I started smoking more and more at first it was just the weekends then it was 3 nights a week 4 so on and so forth until now I smoke everyday if I'm not at work I'm high, even though I'm not at target anymore I still am high pretty much all the time if I'm not at work it's the only way my brain can function right now I keep trying to kick it cause I realize that it's not helping but I guess they really full of shit when they said weeds not addictive. As I'm sure you can guess I also started working out less and less until now it's been almost a year since I've worked out I keep trying again but between 10 years of retail and the fact that I think I hurt myself In the garage without realizing it my body just feels like it's falling apart every single rep feels off I almost trip over myself when I run because my gait is so fucked up and then I realize that that one thing that I thought was the catalyst to turning my whole life around that I thought had saved my life the one thing I would eat sleep and breath I used to wake up and watch work out videos while I ate breakfast and had my coffee that one thing, I couldn't even do that right honestly I probably Ronnie Coleman-ed myself with bad form because I didn't have a spotter so now that's probably gone to. Anyway I've been typing for over an hour now and I haven't even gotten out half of what's on my mind so stay tuned maybe I'll finish this later for right now you guessed it imma go get high. If you actually read this far thank you.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 515,"Title: The last single friend

Text: As time goes by I have become the last one in the group. People are getting married. Engaged. Celebrating anniversaries. And I’m the odd one out. I have only been in 1 serious relationship in my entire life. I’m also the only plus size woman in the friend group. 

Dating is different for me and that is the reality. Not just because I’m bigger but I also don’t want kids. But my friends refuse to acknowledge this. Denying it and saying all dating is the same regardless. Then why am I still single and the rest of you are happy and in love? I know I sound bitter and I am. I’ve been comfortable alone. I do everything alone from traveling to events. But it’s exhausting. 

The past year has been a vicious cycle of my friends setting me up on blind dates. Trying to get their siblings into me. And I hear the same thing every time ‘I actually just got out of a serious relationship so I’m not looking for anything at this time’ and I think that’s just the polite way of saying I’m not into you. 

I’m not blaming anyone. I’m sure my time will come but it’s really starting to drain me. I booked another solo trip for my upcoming birthday because I’ve always been alone and single on my birthday. 

I’ve also never had a valentine. A New Years kiss. A matching couples costume for Halloween. Sweetest day. Or really any holiday with that special someone.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 516,"Title: I always feel alone and I cry myself to sleep most nights

Text: I'm 14M and I don't have anyone I have no friends I've never been in a relationship and I rarely speak I've tried so hard to make freinds to make freinds but everyone only talkes to me outta pity I only text with one person and I can tell I'm only annoying them and I'd be better if I stopped it takes most of my energy just to get outta bed in the morning I'm lost and I'm not sure what to do I'm so tired of everything.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 517,"Title: Hey, I fell very very lonely

Text: Hi guys. I'm a guy who could be described as a virgin, but in reality never has a girl even written to me, I've just got loads and loads of failures. I don't reaaly know how to describe it, but since 2/3 months I really don't feel many emotions except sometimes sadness. I don't even know why I want a girl this much anymore; man I just really wanna feel loved and understood by someone other than my family (they're great btw). I really wanna change tho, but I just can't. I recently started exercising more, studying more and in general trying doing more things that I like, but that feeling just won't go away. Have you ever thought of something you really really like and nobody seems to like it? That about sums up the recent 3/4 years of my life. There's this one girl in my class which I like very much, but I'm too shy to ask her out and then if it goes badly I don't know how I could stay in that class (i live in Europe, where you keep the same exact class in high school and you just change teachers). I just need some advice from yall guys, hoping this post kinda made sense.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 518,"Title: I just want a girl to at least be interested in me

Text: Going home to 0 texts after work is depressing.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 519,"Title: i rlly miss my ex

Text: i’m crying rn bc i miss my ex. he blocked every new account i made and changed his number but i think he still likes me. I love him so much but i can’t rlly get in contact with him. I miss him and our relationship wasn’t the best but i still love him. i miss him so much, pls tell me how i could get into contact with him bc i’m super close to showing up to his house or school.


to clarify for the dummies, im not gonna literally show up to his house 💀 and also i just wanna know why he did what he did, that’s all.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 520,"Title: i feel trapped

Text: every day more and more people become close to me or at least believe they are and its becoming over whelming i only fee as of i have loyalty to certain people which may look like love compassion or empathy but i don't they are nothing more to be than the clothes on my back yet people platonic and intimate believe i am there for them or even capable of that these feelings of disgust and distance keep surfacing around people unlike they ever have before i feel like im losing control

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 521,"Title: Another lonely quiet night someone come bug meee

Text: Seriously it’s too quiet…

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 522,"Title: I think I was raped/sexually assaulted today and I have no one to talk about it with. I just want to be able to fully vent about it and let it out.

Text:  trigger warning  

It's been a few months after breaking up with my ex boyfriend, so I downloaded tinder for the sole purpose of finding a hookup partner. I wasn't really picky and swiped on anyone who seemed okay. I soon had a match that was about  15 minute drive away, and I agreed to meet him at his place.   
As soon as I get there, the man asks me to sit on his couch next to him. I got really nervous and closed up -  he started asking me why i was shy now if i was so direct about wanting a hook up earlier, and i said i don't know. He came in and tried to kiss me and i moved away and asked for some water. As he gave me the water he asked for a hug, and as i hugged him i could feel he was already hard and rubbing against my crotch.  
  
 we started kissing and he very quickly removed my shirt and bra and said we should go upstairs. Once we were in his bedroom, he showed me the view from his window, and i remember feeling weird that he grabbed the back of my neck to adjust my head toward the window. After that we started kissing more and he put down a sheet on the bed (because i had my period). He pulled my jeans off and continued kissing me for about a minute, before he put on a condom, pulled aside my underwear and immediately penetrated me without warning. I felt very sharp pain and recoiled, and he asked if it hurt. I said yes, and i said i wasn't ready yet, telling him that he needed to rub my clit. He refused because he said there was blood everywhere, and he said it would work the way he was doing it. He proceeded to insert his penis again and start thrusting, and it was quite painful, but he kept telling me to relax. I kept saying ""no, no, no, no, no"" but he said i'd start to enjoy it if i relaxed. I basically went limp and he said ""yes, that's a lot better"" and he kept thrusting.  

 I couldn't believe what was happening so i bought my hands up to cover my face and started sobbing while he was still penetrating me. He pulled my hands away and pinned my wrists down onto the bed and asked why I was crying. I couldn't form any words out of my mouth, i just kept crying and he said ""what should I do"" and i said ""please stop"". He said okay, he would stop, but he didn't pull out completely. After a moment, he said ""just a little bit more, just a little bit more"" and he fully inserted again and kept thrusting. Eventually he finished and i was just crying on the bed.   

He said he didn't like to see me crying, and said it was going to ruin his whole day if i didn't explain why i was crying. He asked me if I was missing my ex-boyfriend repeatedly, and i kept saying no. I quickly put on my clothes and rushed down the stairs and he kept pulling me aside and asking why i was crying. When i got to the door, he stood in front of it and said i was free to go, but i needed to tell him why i was crying. I think this is the only time i looked at his face, and it was all sweaty and his eyes were bulging out. I said i need to go and he tried to follow me to my car, so i said, ""please don't follow me, sorry"" and just left.   
   

I just needed to get this off my chest as it feels to heavy/depressing to share with anyone. I'm also fluctuating between believing it's rape or just an unpleasant sexual encounter. I can't stop thinking about it.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_ongoing
Question 523,"Title: not sure if this counts as rape but it still hurts

Text: really need to let this out. 

*TW*
around the age of 10-11, my brother did disgusting actions towards me. one time when i was sitting next to him on the couch, he grabbed my head and forced it near his crotch and told me to “suck it.” i obviously was very uncomfortable but i didn’t know really what to do at the time, so i just ran away and tried to forget about it. other times he would slap my butt trying to play it off as a ‘joke’ but it wasn’t funny at all and really made me feel weird.. he’s around 7 years older than me and has always acted creepy towards me and i just hate it i wanted a normal sibling relationship and now that’ll never happen as i can’t be around him without feeling disgust. i’m now 15 and hoping the pain goes away over time as i’m still struggling from it.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_past
Question 524,"Title: I've been raped twice and now got commitment issues.

Text: I live my life normally and I do have sex. I do want a relationship, but when a guy interested in me in that way I build a wall around me and I become uninterested. Anyone been in my shoes?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_past
Question 525,"Title: Hey was this rape need help

Text: So obviously this is a throwaway account obvious reasons but scared.

I was quite young and a girl my age pulled me into a bush and told me to get my dick  out I didn’t want to but she did it anyway.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_past
Question 526,"Title: Feeling humiliated

Text: I know it’s weird that trauma can make me feel such a trivial inconvenient feeling. I just feel embarrassed and humiliated to admit I was assaulted. I know it’s minor but it makes me feel like I’m weird. Anyone else sometimes feel like this?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 527,"Title: He was convicted

Text: After a trial that took the better part of two weeks, my rapist was convicted on three of four counts of sexual assault against two victims. He’s been sentenced to ten years in a federal prison. He will also have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life. I don’t feel too much right now in terms of emotions, but I’m glad it went the way that it did. 

Now that it’s over, I can focus on the good things that came out of this. I received a ton of support during the entire process. I lost a lot of innocence and naivety, but I’m also a lot stronger. I really enjoyed a lot of the conversations I had with the prosecution and my own lawyer leading up the the trial (they were super funny!). I learned a lot about the legal process, which will make me better at my own job. And his lawyer isn’t going to get to write a misogynistic blog filled with gross language about how he owned me on the stand to get his client acquitted. Watching his attorney wilt after the verdict was the best part. 

I know we all see the statistics on convictions for sexual assault, and it’s super disheartening, but if anyone reading this is either going through the legal process right now or considering pursuing charges, it is possible to secure a conviction.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_past
Question 528,"Title: How should I deal with seeing my rapist at school?

Text: I don't see him everyday. He's a sophomore and I'm a junior. I freeze up and nearly have a panic attack everytime I see him. We share a therapy group (in school). It was months ago, and I only recently told an officer. Advice? Thanks!

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_past
Question 529,"Title: Not sure what this is. I was young and didn’t know how to react..

Text: When I was younger I loved attention but it was hard two get it. Especially from my busy family...
My 2 male cousins who are 3 1/2 and 4 1/2 years older than me always spent time together.. when I was 8 or 9 they had me watch porn with them.. after it got to touching and just kept getting more and more sexual... was this them grooming/molesting/raping me?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_past
Question 530,"Title: After 24 years and endless searching, I found my rapist

Text: I was 14 when it happened. I was ashamed, blamed myself, told no one. My friend ( a female) had me come hang out to smoke some weed, I had a drink, I remember it being sweet. I woke up to the rape, her helping. It was horrific.
He went to jail a year after the rape for an unrelated issue, I figured he’d be there forever. I’ve tried to look him up for YEARS, however his last name was impossible for me to spell. 24 years I’ve tried to look him up, see if he’s still gone, never finding anything. Until tonight….
I found he’s out of jail, found his address, phone number etc.
I live two states away now. I’m not scared of him. I’m not sure what I was expecting if I ever did run across his photo or information. 
The state it happened in has no statute of limitations on sexual crimes when the victim was under 16. He was 32 now 56. I was 14, now 38. 
I don’t know if I want to go through with charges, but I know I don’t want him living any sort of good life. He’s messed mine up forever.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","childabuse_endangerment_past,rape_past"
Question 531,"Title: I don’t know if I’m overreacting for something that happened when I was six

Text: When I was six I went to my brothers friends house. He also had a younger sister around my age at the time. However when I was there she touched me even though I said no and kept on pushing my boundaries, she even was trying to get me to touch her. I feel this is sexual assault but I don’t know “if it counts” because of our age when it happened. I feel like when I remember the events it is horrible but I can’t help thinking it could’ve been worse and I’m just overreacting?
I just don’t know if I’m justified in my feelings and struggle with thinking I’m just looking for attention

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_past
Question 532,"Title: My mom wrote to me and told me how I was conceived through rape

Text:  

I hope this is the right sub for this but I need advice. (If this isn't the right sub please let me know where to go.)

I am a 42-years-old  and was given up for adoption a few days after I was born. I had always been told I was a product of an affair. A couple of years ago through one of those DNA things in a roundabout way, I was able to connect with my mom and some siblings. When we first talked she made it sound like I was less a product of an affair and more of a one night stand. This Father's Day my mom mailed me a card with a several page letter. In the letter, my mom went into more detail and it turns out she went to a bar with someone she thought she was a friend but ended up getting drugged and woke up having missed time but ended up getting pregnant.

The letter was full of sadness and guilt yet being thankful for the life I have had. It broke my heart when she had a fear of me hating her. When I replied through messenger she again spoke of guilt and hoping I did not hate her. In the letter, she even made a point to not sign off as mom because she did not want to take that away from my adoptive mom. I told her that calling her mom does not diminish the role my adoptive mom did. My adoptive mom is fully in support of me calling my bio mom, mom. I also call my bio mom's husband Pops even though he is not related to me at all genetically.

The advice I need is how can I best further discuss with my mom since she seems to be opening up. I feel like this could be an opportunity to not only get closer to my mom but also help her with some guilt she has held for more than four decades. I don't even know what role I should play in this. I just know I could recognize the pain in her words and I could not love her more.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 533,"Title: my stepfather made me have sex with him while i was drunk

Text: im still a minor, i dont even have my drivers license. i got drunk with my stepdad and he took me somewhere private and had sex with me even though i asked him not to. i think he drugged me because i couldn't move to get away from him. i reported it but he got bailed out. my mom doesnt believe me she said im lying and said because my sister cant see her dad i shouldnt get to see mine. i dont know what to do im waiting on the rape kit to come back its my only evidence against him what am i supposed to do if theres no proof will they let him around my sister again?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","childabuse_endangerment_ongoing,rape_ongoing"
Question 534,"Title: My mom's bf raped me in front of her

Text: I don't know what the fight was about but they were arguing when I got home from school.

I was late and he asked where I was I said no where and he lost it.

He started screaming how we both don't listen and he'll show us who runs this house.

He slapped me and I fell. He was standing over me and when he went to take off his belt he I thought he was going to hit me with it.

I wish he had. Instead he pulled me to my feet and told me to take off my clothes. 

Then he raped me and made my mom watch. I closed my  eyes so I didnt have to see her.

He was yelling about being the man of the house when he finished. He left the house after and my mom ran from the room.

I just kind of laid there until I decided to shower and go to bed. My mom hasn't said a word to me about it since it happened. 

I feel like I'm going crazy

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","childabuse_endangerment_ongoing,rape_ongoing"
Question 535,"Title: How do I come out and tell my family about this

Text: This happened maybe 10 years ago when I was 11 or 12 years old, my parents were pretty cool and let me go to the park alone with my friends but they always said that if they found out boys were there then they wouldn’t let me go anymore mostly because my mom was looked at as a child and was overprotective of me because of that trauma also because I was an earlier bloomer. My dad said if there are boys there especially older ones looking at me to just walk away or to call him. I didn’t really think that much of it sense perverts weren’t really common in my neighborhood well one day I’m at the park with my friend let’s call her Laylee, Laylee was definitely friends with mostly guys looking back at it because most girls disliked her and I got that why I hung out with her I didn’t really care though because she seemed “normal” but one day she decided to introduce me to her friends and their friends let’s call them Aaron 9th grade 13, Eric 8th grade 13 and Shane 11th grade 16 I thought they were really nice until they wanted to go up on the playground to play a game little did I know what was about to happen I was pinned down then taken advantage of as Laylee watched I tried to scream and kicked but my mouth was covered and my legs were being bound. Now I did do therapy for about 3 and a half years and recovered but my family has no idea I only tell my close friends but I still feel haunted by that day any advice on how to tell them? Or should 8 even bring it up after 10 years?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_past
Question 536,"Title: I was raped by my partner

Text: hello everyone

I'm 22 yr old female, I live with my poor family which is consisting of me, my 12 yr old brother and my mom. currently my mom is ill and advanced in age. she is working as a cashier at Walmart. the money she makes most of it spent for my younger brother school and groceries for the whole family. I'm struggling to find a job that suited to me because I tend to take more courses to reduce college expenditures. I had to postpone a whole year due my financial situation which is really frustrating cuz I had to watch my friends surpass me. and I'm so poor and my clothes are so old. I don't have anything. 3 years on college and no boy tried to date me. last month I have decided to start an onlyfan account so I can change my life. I started with simple things that does not involve sex nor nude. only me wearing bikini or covering my genitals. anyway, the views were bad so I figured to start posting nudes. the views grew but still not enough. so I decided to hire a partner that act only ( faking sex). It was a legit idea. the views became very high. we worked together and came up with breilent ideas to gain views by faking sex. until one day. during a live video I started. the task was easy. I put my phone facing me showing my upper body ( belly, boobs, face) with him behind me  thrusting me ( again faking). and are lower bodies are hidden from the camera which prevent the viewers from noticing what actually going on there. we start the live. at first we get many views and everything was going smoothly. until my partner betrayed me and decided to fuck me real. he just slide he dick inside my pussy. and start thrusting me harder and harder. I couldn't do anything. I didn't want to react infront of the viewers cuz they well then know that all my sex posts are fake. and couldn't reach out my phone because I placed it away from me for the view to be clear. I had to bare that awful 15 min. he knew I couldn't do anything about it. the monster used me for his pleasure after we gain so much profit. he kept thrusting me and molesting me. the he turn me towards him and start having sex with me while he's sucking my boobs. and the whole time I was froze. time past so slow. It feels like hours. the moment he finished  inside of me I made my way to the phone and ended the live. I left his apartment furious. and the dame monster only words were "" sorry babe, I lost control of myself"" 
idk what I should do. do u think that this's rape case, cuz I don't think that the low would do anything. cuz they well think that he was fucking me in many of my videos. what makes this video any different than the others. I feel so lonely and lost, help me plz

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_past
Question 537,"Title: in love with my rapist...

Text: I fell inlove with this guy and he toke me out on a date with him in the woods on a hike right? normal right? NO he raped me. bro I let it happen I was scared I tried to fight it and shit but eventually I gave up. every date he toke me to was on the same hike and he just repeatedly raped me.  And I just kept going on these dates with him because I fell in love with him! at the time I thought it was normal to have sex forced on you..  obviously it's not normal. I never fucking consented to any of this and I was raped repeatedly and and there's nothing I can fucking do about it because it because there's no actual proof I was raped. and I'm a fucking naive little bitch because I kept on going on dates with him! and I love my rapist.. and I still love my rapist! and I don't know how to not love him. I would report his ass but I don't want his future to be ruined and I care for him and everything.. and I really wish I didn't. He took advantage of me and manipulated me into thinking that this was normal to have sex forced on to you I had no say in the matter. I fucking hate myself!

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",rape_past
Question 538,"Title: father may try to rape my siblings

Text: Me(M17) have just found out my father(M37)has been sexually harassing and almost violating my sisters(14 and 15) she(14) told me he comes in the middle of the night and gropes her and makes out with her. He also tried to stick his fingers inside her vagina saying ""its normal"" and showed her his erect penis  and once forced her to get closer to it. Before, we confronted him about him grabbing and spanking my other sisters(15) butt and chest and he got really dangerous and threatened me that i better not stand up to him or else hell come at me so hard i wont be able to stop him. He does this a lot. He stopped for a while but now i hear that when going to sleep(my sister sleeps in his because of our little brother (barely over 1) and she says he kisses hee neck and tries to stick his hand in her underwear and when she stops him he says"" your so mean your so ungrateful"". Now he's onto my other sister who just told me that when i was outside and my mother left he took her to her room and(she had gotten in trouble due to having social media the day prior). Using that as an excuse to grind on her. Im scared because we talked to a lady at our church and she said that he probably does want to rape her and she will pray for us(really?!?!) So im scared because my mother tries to confront him for us but he denies it and hits my sisters who accused him. Now whenever we complain to her she says that shell talk to him and never does or she says "" you need to stop) and he doesn't or he stops for few days. Im scared to confront him but i will if i have to(itll definitely get physical) but my sisters dont want that cuz hell also hit them. Im thinking of telling my mom take us with out grandma or relative so we don't have to stay in the house woth him. Im also considering police but what if they decide to only lock him up for a few days and he comes back to hurt us? And also they might split us up and take away our little brother and each other since they might consider my mom as an accomplice since she almost doesn't do anything and is crazy over my dad. I don't know what to do. Pls help  also i dont know. He also threatens me whenever he has a fight with mom. Theyre arguing and he suddenly tells me  well im telling you here and now if something happens between me and you mom you better not be coming to intervene"".(basically if i try to defend or fight him hell def hurt me). He only started being like this after he recovered from being shot 8 times. I dont think his head is alright but i cant do anything. I feel hopeless. Im starting to consider ditching school so i can stay at home to at least try to protect my sister. Also i get back later than my sister who is currently being harassed. And my mom sometimes leaves to got to the store, leaving him and her together. For at least 15-20 minutes. Im scared and im even thinking of carrying a weapon or a knife or whatever in order to defend myself. Im really desperate for input. Sorry if this is so bad to understand im anxious and nervous and on my small phone keyboard. :(

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",childabuse_endangerment_ongoing
Question 539,"Title: How to discuss with current partner? Definitely may be a TW, so please dont read if youre not comfortable hearing some instances of violence

Text: 
sorry if this post is a bit scattered! 

i did post on here a while back but after some more things happening idk. I was with my ex boyfriend for 2 years. we dated for 1.5 years,  we broke up in october for a few weeks and then got back together. during the time we were broken up i raped. recently i have realized how abusive our relationship was. early on in our relationship there was a day where we had had sex 3 times already (all consensual and wanted by both parties) we were going onto round 4 and i asked him to wait as i just wasnt ready yet.  he proceeded to have sex with me anyways while i just laid there. this was the only incident in the first part of our relationship. once we got back together he told me about some sexual abuse hed experienced as a child and i tried my best to support him. i opened up to him about my rape during our breakup and at first he was really understanding and supportive but things changed pretty quickly. he began constantly asking me to compare him to my rapist, he read my texts with said guy and got angry at me for things id said to him, etc. he also started to het pretty violent towards me during sex. he broke my collar bone from choking me (the choking consensual the rest no)  (as he was putting his weight on that arm and he is 220lbs - i am 100) he would slap me during sex even though he knew i wasnt into that, he also admitted he got off on seeing me in pain.  a few times he continued having sex with me while i lay there crying after i said it hurt and asked him to stop… the point is that it was not healthy.  after breaking up, he told a lot of our mutual friends that i was verbally abusive, and ill admit to yelling at him a couple times and once saying fuck you, these were in response to him going after me about my rapist and if his penis was bigger than my ex’s. i am now seeing a couple guys and recently i was watching game of thrones with one and there was a scene where sansa was raped and it really triggered me. i just had to sit and drink water and not be touched, this seemed to upset him and he was really confused. i feel like i do want to discuss this with him and explain this stuff as it does impact other things like our sex life a bit as im really sensitive now to certain things. the other guy im seeing is someone more casual-were not dating just sleeping together but we have been friends for a long time and it hasnt really impacted that as i feel very safe and comfortable with him, but i think i want to tell him as well.  im just not sure how?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","domesticviolence_past,rape_past"
Question 540,"Title: i was SA’D last night and relapsed

Text: i got way too drunk at my best friends birthday party and she ended up raping me. that night i cried in bed and slashed everywhere i could. the pain is still trapped inside though

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 541,"Title: PSA- Turn off messages

Text: hi all. just a little PSA to everyone, if you’re going to be posting here i would highly suggest you turn off direct messages. there are sick men out there who get off on our trauma. after posting here about being raped at age 15 i received several messages one of  said “damn baby i would love to force my c*ck into your teen p*ssy” along with a d*ck pic. it’s incredibly hurtful and insensitive and i wanna avoid others who are looking for a safe space to share their stories having to deal with perverted men. stay safe everyone :’)

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","rape_past,sexualharassment_past"
Question 542,"Title: SH after 2 years...

Text: started doing this again... now i can't stop and i feel guilty because i feel all my progress has gone to shit...

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 543,"Title: i feel guilty

Text: Even after my mom finding out and all the getting therapy shit I'm still out here cutting on unnoticeable places

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 544,"Title: How old were you when you started self harming?

Text: (Tw) Personally, I was 10. I was feeling sad again and had been crying a lot and I'd heard of people cutting themselves so I got a pair of scissors and well, yeah. What about you guys?

EDIT: Wow, this post got quite a few replies pretty quickly. It sort of reminded me how many of us there are suffering with this shit so I just wanted to say here that you all are beautiful people and you can message me anytime if you want someone to speak to. I'm on reddit nearly all the time so I'll respond to you ASAP ❤

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_past
Question 545,"Title: To that teacher who noticed my fresh wounds

Text: F*ck you, you had to throw a show in front of all my class mates and then took me to the worst school nurse that exists, who would just go on about how *wrong* my mental state is instead of actually trying to be nice. And then you had to call me in middle of other classes so that my other teachers knew my problem, and at last you had to call my parents in to a meeting IN THE MIDDLE OF SCHOOL DAY FOR THREE HOURS which was basically a public humiliation. I am fairly sure my life got worse because of you, you're not trying to save a student, you're just satisfying your ego and pride. F**k you, i hate you with all my soul, i really wish you'd just disappear and never return.


Edit: this got more attention then i would've imagined, and thanks for the gold!

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_past
Question 546,"Title: had no bandages so i improvised

Text: had no bandages so i improvised with painters tape and tissues, ive done this before so i thought no big deal. i was at work and the tape started to come off and it HURT LIKE A MOTHER but i discreetly threw away the bandage and later went to the restroom and there were big blisters all over my skin where the tape was. jfc this has never happened to me and i am in so much discomfort. i was a month clean before this and now i’m thinking maybe i shouldn’t ever do that again lol. taking a shower is gonna be a bitch tonight

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 547,"Title: The blade

Text: I feel very alone and i feel that tis reddit can help with that can anybody reply, i feel relatable here and i have already been cutting for 1 1/2 years

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 548,"Title: How to help stop urges to sh

Text: I saw something online that managed to trigger my brain into wanting to sh and it also started intrusive thoughts on the subject. Any advice on how to get these thoughts to go away?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 549,"Title: I THREW AWAY MY BLADES

Text: I WANNA THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING SO SUPPORTIVE AND KIND. I COULDNT HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOU GUYS. I ALSO PLAN ON TELLING MY PARENTS SO I DONT FEEL SO GUILTY. IM GONNA BE LEAVING ALL SELF HARM RELATED SUB REDDITS. THANK YOU ALL <3 edit: thank you so much for all the kind words. I talekd to my prents about it and they were super understanding and it was awesome. i wish the best of luck to you all

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_past
Question 550,"Title: need to cover up cuts for doctors appointment

Text: completely forgot I have a doctors appointment in 8 days, they're gonna check my blood pressure which requires me to roll my sleeve up obviously, I dont have any makeup and really dont know what to do here, any advice would be really appreciated

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 551,"Title: i feel too old to be self harming :(

Text: a lot of my friends have self harmed in the past but they're all 1y+ clean and i'm uhhhh a couple hours lmao. it seems like people just sh when theyre like. 11-14. and i started then but i'm still doing it now. i guess it feels kinda embarrassing that i still do it? like it's childish or smthn. i'm still a teenager so maybe i'm just a little sensitive about being seen as childish, but every time i imagine talking to someone about it i picture them being all like  oh u still do that? isnt that just for attention-seeking 12yr olds?. which i know is not right. but i seem to only ever see young teens and preteens who actively sh, and all my friends have grown out of it.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 552,"Title: Self harm and colds ??

Text: Okay so there’s a cold going around my area and everyone in my house has it. I also relapsed into cutting and for some reason my cold symptoms have lessened?? My nose isn’t as stuffy as it was and my cough has gotten better. Please DO NOT go and cut yourself if you have a cold but please can anyone at all explain this??

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 553,"Title: did i hit beans? maybe baby beans? idk TW: DESCRIPTION OF CUTS

Text: I usually cut to styro every time. Often it's gaping. But this time when I did it it gaped more than usual and seemed deeper. And even after it filled with blood I saw like a whitish spot at the bottom. is that fat? if so what should I do? and I'll be honest if the answer is go to the hospital I probably won't do that. But I would like to at least know what should be done. 

thank you

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 554,"Title: My girlfriend did something sweet for me ♥

Text: My girlfriend supports me so much. She came over today with her leg all bandaged from a sports injury, and she brought me bandages for my legs and said we can just say we wanted to match and I was wearing the bandages to make her feel better. She bandaged up all my cuts on my legs and I got to wear shorts ♥

[Here's us, I'm on the left and she's on the right ♥](https://imgur.com/a/0SQBkQ5)

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 555,"Title: a song i love

Text: I love never by maglo so much, like this song has always been playing while i was writing to my crush, when i was preparing for competitions and even now when i cut when i feel pretty chill or just kinda sad. Its a song that ill probabaly rememebr and it always fits the mood no matter when or where for me tbh yeah, just wanted to say this idk lol. Do youhave any songs like that?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 556,"Title: After I cut myself there is a lot of saliva in my mouth

Text: Basically what the title says, whenever I self harm by cutting myself with a knife, there's obviously a bit of bleeding, but also saliva gathers up in my mouth, it feels like blood but I'm pretty sure it's only saliva. Is this normal? Does this happen to anyone else? Why does this happen?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 557,"Title: Why are people so insensitive.

Text: I am at my auntie’s for Christmas this year with my family. I heard her talking to relatives on the phone, talking about what a horrible year it’s been. She was in the same room as me and knows about my self harm btw. I literally have lots of visible scars on my arms. Anyway she was talking about this year and I can’t remember what she said but she was like “oh after talking about this I’m feeling like slashing my wrists”. Maybe it is stupid and immature of me to be so affected by a small comment like that but I had to leave the room and go and cry because I was so upset. I am already finding Christmas extremely difficult and comments like that just really trigger me. Like how do people not just THINK before you speak especially saying something like that in front of someone who actively fucking cuts themselves. Sorry I needed to vent. Probs gonna go and “slash my wrists” now lolll

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 558,"Title: tracking streak when youre not recovering

Text: does anyone else track their streak just to see how many times they can break it? or to just feel bad? i started tracking again today but im not trying to get better, i just want to see if i can fill the whole chart up. like im making myself worse deliberately.

ill take this down if it breaks the no encouraging rule.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 559,"Title: Obviously don’t normalize sh, BUT

Text: Someone who has scars can post a video or picture. It’s not illegal. Let’s at least normalize NOT POINTING SCARS OUT. We KNOW.  I sent my friend a picture once and her only response was “wrist” and then “emo lol” can we just stop. I was showing you a CD i got, not my little emo wrists or whatever. Jfc I’m done

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_past
Question 560,"Title: Lols

Text: I hate how my dog’s scratches leaves a more visible scar than my own cuts. Makes me feel like a coward. But it’s kind of funny lol.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",selfharm_ongoing
Question 561,"Title: Snapchat harassment

Text: A guy spoke to two years ago for like a month is harassing me on Snapchat 😭
He makes all these fake accounts like “ihaveurnudes555” to try and threaten me about leaking pictures which I don’t think he even has. He is obsessed !!! He even tried to blackmail me, I’m not dumb. I just wish he’d leave me alone.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_ongoing
Question 562,"Title: My boss sucks

Text: My boss sent me inappropriate messages about a year ago. He told me all about how horny he was in his hot tub. I'm an idiot and I tried to protect him because he had a newborn and I didn't want her to grow up without a good lifestyle. I told a few people about the messages he sent. Fast forward to this year ... he kept me off of the Christmas party invitation list. The funniest part? I never would have gone to that party... but now I am absolutely going to burn him for sexual harassment and indiscriminate bullying.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_past
Question 563,"Title: Sexual harassment or Cat Calling experiences

Text: Hey guys, I am just wondering if you could share any sexual harassment or cat-calling stories? Please reply to this thread or for more anonymity text me on +447599590989! I can promise that your name will be completely detached as this is purely for research!

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 564,"Title: Is asking me to roll up my sleeve/taking clothes off sexual harassment?

Text: I am not going to name my sex, but if my superior asked me to take my clothes (jacket, long sleeved shirt, etc) off/roll up my sleeves to show him/her I got a (COVID) shot, is that considered harassment since this person is possibility using authority to make me reveal skin?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 565,"Title: Sexual comments from someone with power over you at work?

Text: Here’s the backstory: 

I work in a career where I have to generate my own clients.  A coworker of mine has a “referral partner” who has given me lots of client leads in the past year and increased my sales production significantly.  I rent an office space in the same building as this partner. He’s married with kids & so am I.

This person has been making me feel extremely on edge lately..  He always gives me a hug whenever I come in to the office, which has never bothered me, and he’s always been very up front that he finds me attractive, but more recently his comments have gotten much less tactful.  He’s says “I love these hugs! For obvious reasons..” he calls me “sexy”, and he asks me how I think he looks all the time.  I’ve always been polite and brushed it off.

At a recent company party (with drinking involved) he told me that if I want more leads I need to get the other guys in the office “drooling over me”, implying that I should dress more revealing.  For the rest of the night he was all over me hugging and getting very close to me at any chance.  I’ve been feeling so weird about this encounter and totally feel like I’m being pimped out instead of being given leads because I’m actually good at what I do!

Lately, he’s been unhappy that I haven’t been spending much time in the office and has been implying that he won’t be giving me leads if I don’t spend more face time with him.  Most days I work from home, I’m
Self employed and have no real reason to come to the office aside from his request.  He wants to elevate our partnership but that would require me becoming even more involved with him and would give him more control over my schedule and my finances.

I feel super uncomfortable being around him and never know what’s going to come out of his mouth or what type of mood he’ll be in..

Should I try to set some boundaries, or do I get out now?

Side note, also important, my co worker is extremely tied up in business with this person and the 2 of us have a really great relationship that I’m also worried about damaging.

Help!

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_ongoing
Question 566,"Title: Does this seem like it could become sexual harassment?

Text: I got accepted for an internship at a really small business. I didn't think much of the acceptance response until I showed it to someone else and they said it was creepy. 

He said in the response that he ""certainly desire"" me working there as an intern. He also gave his cell to call/text to set up a meeting ""soon"" to get set for the internship.

I have been sexual harrased before and would like to avoid it at all costs, but really did want the Internship.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 567,"Title: Keep Getting Sexually Harassed at work

Text: I am a 22 years old male. I work at a casino as a security guard, and I continue to get sexually harassed by these 3 workers. Out of the 3 workers there’s a “leader” who says sexually things towards me first, and then the other 2 men just typically follow, I went to the supervisors and told them about the situation but I didn’t say any of the guys names (they had a good idea of who the guys were). I just told the supervisors if they can talk to everyone as a group to stop the sexual harassment, but that didn’t work because 2 of the 3 guys still continue to say sexual harass me, it’s almost as if there testing me to see if I get mad or even quit. Theres tension in the work place with me and those 3 workers. They continue to disrespect me with slick comments. I’ve only been working for a month but those guys have been working there for years, and we’re short on staffed, so they believe they have the upper hand in the situation. My next step is to talk to the HR or possibly even a lawyer if it gets worse. But I have a feeling the job might make an excuse to fire me. Only because losing 3 workers of worse than 1, and I’m also new to the job so they can make up any excuse to fire me. Is there any advise I can get on how to handle this situation?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_ongoing
Question 568,"Title: Need proof...

Text: I work in the skilled trades and, generally, when I complain about sexual harassment, I'm the one who is laid off...(the same happens to to the very few female or gay people I know in this business)
I want  to show difinitive proof that this still happens...can anyone recommend a covert recording device to me?! My job may depend on it.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_ongoing
Question 569,"Title: i got sexually harassment because i was nice to a classmate

Text: last year i got sexually harassed multiple times by a classmate i tired to move past it but eventually reached my breaking point. i told my mom and we contacted the school. the kid got in trouble...but it seemed like he was let off the hook. kids call me a snitch for sticking up for myself and other girls in my class who were also being talked about poorly. 

i hate this generation

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_past
Question 570,"Title: Harassment on Harassment

Text: I posted on Facebook about how I had been sexually harassed via Facebook Marketplace due to one of my listings having a nipple ""showing"" through a black sports bra & white t shirt (the item for sale). Many women ""reacted"" with the ""angry"" reaction and commented messages of support. All of a sudden I get a message from a guy I knew years ago in high school whom I haven't heard from since, there's some small talk, but I keep my responses short. Somehow I knew it was related. I ask him:

Me: So what's up? Why did you message me?

Him: Tbh I saw you latest post and felt sorry that people were treating you like that. And then I was like well we used to talk a little back in the day and I think she cute so yeah. I’m just weird

Me: I appreciate that you feel sorry ppl are treating me like that, but unfortunately I'm harassed all the time driving, on the street, online, etc. Tbh tho calling me cute and talking to me out of pity in relation to my post is not much better. I replied bc I was concerned that you may not be okay since it's out of the ordinary for you to message me. Now that I've confirmed that you are I'm going to say goodnight. Bye!

\*then he has the audacity to respond the following\*

Him: Okay I’m sorry. Good night then. Um but would it be too weird to keep talking some other time though?

YES SIR. IT WOULD BE WEIRD. YOU MESSAGED ME THAT I'M CUTE IN RESPONSE TO ME POSTING ABOUT SEXUAL HARASSMENT. How would you respond? I'm at a loss now. 

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_ongoing
Question 571,"Title: My Sexual Harasser Was Fired

Text: I didn’t ask for him to be fired. I reported the things he said to me. We are middle-school teachers, and the kids loved him. 

It started last year. A student got in trouble for pretending to give a bl*# job to a water bottle. He asked me if I went home and demonstrated the technique on my husband. He also told me he cheats on his wife but “they have an understanding”. I reported him, they told him to knock it off. They didn’t give him specifics so I guess he never connected the dots that it was me. I also assume this means he was saying all kinds of things to people since he didn’t realize. 

Fast forward to this year. Admin paired me with him to teach a few hours a day. We had a mutual student whose mom wanted her to read more for recreation. He told me a story of him in middle school and how his dad bought him a Playboy subscription to get him to read more. And told him not to get the pages too sticky. Then he told me telling that story at another school almost got him fired. I said to his face “that’s because you can’t tell that story at work”. 

Final straw. We had a new teaching assistant we were told he had a seizure disorder and it would present with “odd behavior”. First display was the asst was putting his hand in his butt crack and then smelling said hand. Second display was he took off all of his clothes in the bathroom and chased another teacher around the classroom at lunch. True story that deserves its own post. I digress. After that incident the sexual harasser says to me “Oooh I can’t imagine him naked. I have a hard enough time picturing you naked”. 

He said other stupid things not worth the time to type. So, I had enough. Reported him in hopes they would not make me work closely with him. They chose to fire him. I actually feel sorry for him though I should not. 

I’m 53 years old (so is he). I would have thought I would age out of this nonsense but nope! 

That’s the story thanks for reading.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",sexualharassment_past
Question 572,"Title: Caught a client's employee sniffing his female co-worker's chair. Report or?

Text: For context, I do contracted work during the week for one of those large churches/humanitarian organizations. Although not an actual employee, I'm pretty chill with the staff of the place. Anyway we have this one comely female pastor who oversees the church's ""benevolence"" program for the congregation and we have this one overly meek facilities guy. Total nerd, like Otacon from MGS level nerd. Last night I was staying late to do some work for the church and I walk by the pastor's office. She had gone home for the day a little while ago so I walked into the office to turn the light off as a courtesy. As I go to open the door, I hear some someone sniffing loudly. I walk in there and, stunned, I observe this dude with his eyes rolled to the back of his head and SNORTING her chair. I mean dude was completely on his own planet. My jaw dropped to the floor and I stood there for a second completely stunned. After a few seconds, he opens his eyes and is himself now mouth agape and stunned to see me. He starts stuttering, ""I, -it, it's not what, I dropped my glasses and was picking them up!"" His lips start trembling and he starts crying and saying ""Dude -- please don't tell on me, I will lose everything"", etc. I feel really bad for this dude because he's in his 40's and nerdy as hell and clearly has a sad life. He has self-harm marks on his wrists of questionable age. At lunch he sits alone and talks to his mother on the phone. Like just overall one of those really sad, lonely dudes.

I don't want to report dude because this is obviously an offense that would very likely result in his termination but I also feel like there is a duty to notify the client before he does more pervy shit. There's cameras in the office (not joking) so I don't worry about it being a he-said-she-said type of thing.

Tl;dr caught a maintenance worker sniffing his female coworker's chair when he thought no one was still there. Dude is a sad, lonely person and I don't want to report because he'll probably khs if he loses this job. I fear he will do worse things than just sniff the chair however.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 573,"Title: kill me

Text: I dont want anything more in my life than just someone sending an assassin to my doorway. Sick, tired, and none of my friends are by my side as I keep rotting alive

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 574,"Title: i don’t even know

Text: For 3years straight I was on the verge of killing myself nearly everyday and then slowly got better and now have achieved a lot and gotten where I wanna be, but I still feel the need or urge that I shouldn’t be here. That I should just fucking die. Quit. It’s all too much. I’m not enough. I feel like I’m gonna do some dumb shit to ruin all I’ve built up and I’m so overwhelmed. I can’t sleep and I can’t relax. Fuck

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","suicideideation_active_past,suicideideation_passive_ongoing"
Question 575,"Title: There are only two reasons to tell someone not to kill themselves

Text: 1. You're prepared to solve all of their problems and take care of that person for the rest of their forced miserable life.


2. You're a complete asshole who wants others to live a life of misery.

There are no exceptions. If you think there are, you're justifying being an asshole.

Can't wait for my kids to grow up and move out so I can stop wasting the earth's resources on myself.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 576,"Title: I'm starting to hear her voice in my head again and I'm scared

Text: The voice comes from inside my brain rather that the outside but it feels totally unfamiliar to the point she is another person inside my head. I named her even, sounds cliche but idk how to refer her. My therapist dismissed as just ""everyone has their negative little voice at some point"" but I know is not that, she [the voice]  has this very even cartoonist way of talking to me. Pretty much like an abuser/protector. She will say horrible things but still try take care of myself. 

I have her, and 1 more like voice or idk what to call them it's kinda weird. I been diagnosed with cptsd and bpd so I don't know anymore. 

Not related but I been physically exhausted lately and at times is just spikes my depression and wishing I was dead of how tired I am and the fact that I have to do stuff.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 577,"Title: Feel trapped

Text: Recently my father passed, very suddenly after returning from a vacation, the situation resolved so quickly I don't think I ever really expected his death ( stroke, combined with rare fungal infection in respiratory system compunction by negligent care in the hospital). This happened on fathers day,  my birthday in July was right after with me all in a daze, focusing more on work then anything. 

Soon after about 2 months after his death, a very good friend of our family and a father took his life and I believe my father's death might have pushed him over the edge. Since then I have been working 12hs a day and pouring all my money towards helping my mother pay her mortgage and utilities since my father had almost no life insurance. 

I.. don't want to admit it but I have been thinking more and more of ending my life. The thing is I have loved ones that would miss me and friends I consider family that would be hit hard by another death let alone the daughter of our friend who I have been trying to help through her grief ( I would be the world's largest hypocrite if i took my life after counseling her through her loss). The fear of what comes after also stops me most times,  I'm not actually religious but wish I could be, the fear of nothing after terrifies me. 

Even with all those things stalling me, I still find myself constantly going over ways to end it, I own firearms but my friends ended his life with one so that's out,  I thought of possible carbon monoxide methods like charcoal, but don't know if I could force myself to sit through it unless I took something to make myself sleep. And I'm afraid of heights... heh. 

I don't what I expect with this post. I could just call that stupid number ea time it pops up or text the chat line but that would make it real but then so is sitting with a handful of pills, has anyone used the help line? Did it work?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 578,"Title: I hate that I can’t kill myself

Text: I just want to disappear. I don’t want to die, I want to stop existing. Dying involves violently ending your life. And leaping into the void of death, not knowing what exactly will happen. I just want to stop existing and to be forgotten.

I’m stuck and I hate it so much.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 579,"Title: No one really cares, they're only trying to make themselves feel good.

Text: A while back I removed myself from the contacts of my 'friends,' trying to isolate myself before I stepped in front of a bus. No one spoke to me, ever reached out. I had to initiate every conversation, I was the runt hanging around that no one had the balls to formally tell to fuck off. Of course, the moment I do leave, everyone suddenly cares, everyone is buzzing my phone asking what's up and how I'm doing, they even got a hold of my parents. It escalated at some point to where the only one from that group I had any respect for is on the phone pleading that I don't die, that suicide is irrational and that I should consider meds.

Guess what, I said sure, I won't die, I'll go back business as usual. And you know what, it is business as usual. I am never anyone's first choice, I haven't spoken to another human in over a month. Even when I come back from an attempt it's like I died anyway. Really glad I got talked out of it, it would fucking suck if I missed out on being ignored and forgotten again.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","suicideideation_active_past,suicideideation_passive_ongoing"
Question 580,"Title: I don’t want to wake up next morning

Text: I mixed some benzo and antidepressants I hope enough to not wake up next morning. 

I said to my mom that I love her as I did. to my ex love of my life, a life without him it doesn’t make sense to me.
I am at peace with it, I want to go. I loved be myself here, I loved the people and animals I met. 
I hope that you will keep on fighting to make this world nicer and better. Love is everything nothing should stop us loving.
I am at peace with going, I am at peace.
I really wish you the best. I really wish to not wake tomorrow. I didn’t want to hurt no one but this isn’t bearable anymore.


Goodbye, Addio, vi amo ❤️
“The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater” Tolkien

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 581,"Title: I'm leaving this

Text: 
Don't have much more to say, when I tried to get help all I got was even more depression. I have everything prepared.

But thank you to everyone on this community, didn't post here but being here helped me for a time. :)

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 582,"Title: I post on the sub almost daily at this point. Why am I still alive.

Text: Why do I hesitate. I utterly despise myself. Nothing about myself makes me happy or makes we want to stay alive. I’m ugly, scrawny, disgusting, and forgettable. I will never amount to anything and I will die alone sad and pitiful. It is actually impossible for me to hate anything more in life than I do my own existence. And yet, I’m still around. Why? I have a plan; this isn’t just a spur of the moment thing. I’ve felt this way for years; it won’t stop. I have a gun at my disposal to turn my head into goo. I have no dependents or anyone that I’m responsible for. There’s no reason for me to exist. So why haven’t I killed myself yet? I want to. I want to finally get up from my couch with intent to act this out and be done with it. I just need a little push. The smallest sign that this is ok; that I can finally leave. I want to talk to someone who’s pro suicide. Who understands what I feel and knows that this is the right choice.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 583,"Title: Suicidal friend right now

Text: Urgent advice. Someone struggles with mental health, confided many times. Sounds like they’re talking ideation but not actually said anything direct. I’ve talked but not helping. Nothing I’m saying is making an impact it seems just stuff they’ve heard before. I don’t want to jump to conclusions but what do I do? Do I reach out to their closest friend who isn’t responding to them? Another friend? Do I reach out to their parents? Non of these other people know me, likely haven’t heard of me and definitely never met me? It feels like betrayal (to my friend) if I were to reach out to one of them. I both know it’ll be the right thing but also how it could worsen my friends feelings. I just need stories from people who’ve been in this position or from my friends position. Would you want someone you confided in to tell those others around you???

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",no_crisis
Question 584,"Title: I really want to die

Text: I wish I felt alive.  I’m like a walking corpse.  I don’t even exist.  I had a dream last night where my brother encouraged me to kill myself.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 585,"Title: whats wrong with being suicidal

Text: maybe this is a very foolish way to think but i don't see why it's so wrong for one to want to kill themselves. i don't want to be here, i feel like im being forced to wake up in the morning,i don't enjoy my own life,  nothing i do could make me enjoy it because my soul knows i shouldn't be here. the only reason im not dead is because i  keep failing and am working on ways to do it without failing. why do i have to be here if i don't want to , i have to live for others and a system that actually doesn't want  me? please let me go i just want to leave what's so bad about that

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 586,"Title: should I kill myself

Text: I am getting bullied in school by 2 people 
I know if I tell anyone they will laugh at me because I am twice their size

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 587,"Title: I just got out of a suicidal marathon fugue

Text: so. I've been suicidal for so long that I apparently have suicidal ""modes"" is the best way to describe them. 
but basically I get triggered and then no matter how I feel about my life now, I believe I'm a me in my past that wanted to die more than anything else. 

learning all of this has been so difficult it's unreal to me how hard it is to get help I can communicate with. 

anyway. 

I'm finally feeling my wholest self again, I was truly terrified I wasn't going to make it. 

I've never been suicidal when I also knew I didn't want to kms before. 
it's like it became so obvious that what I was thinking wasn't my thoughts but an old coping mechanism basically. 


far as I can tell, I needed disability support for an invisible disability that no one acknowledged that I had. I wanted to die from that lack of support. when dramatically suicidal I finally recieve SOME of the support I need
""rewarding"" my central nervous system for being dramatically suicidal  

rinse. 
repeat. 

my friends and family responding to me with support pavlovian trained me into displaying histrionics over the most basic of needs. 

just sharing this insight here in case it helps anyone. 

I'm spending time in therapy now trying to learn to truncate my suicidal thoughts without others or medications. 

these thought groves are so deep though y'all. eventually I'll just have the wrong thought in the wrong day and be gone. it's like I'm allergic to my own mind and it can attack at any moment for dozens of reasons in and beyond my control.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 588,"Title: I can't go through with it

Text: I have everything that I need to do it, but I'm too much of a coward to do it. Fuck.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 589,"Title: I feel like killing myself

Text: It's getting to the point where I can't do anything but sit. It feels like my old friends are just begging me to do it at this point anytime I try to talk to them about it they just laugh at my face and then bully me (They used to be the complete opposite) . I don't have a therapist and even if I did I'd probably be in a psychiatric ward by now. I don't want to inform my parents about this because I'm afraid they'll just brush it off as some ""Teen"" thing. The only thing keeping me going at this point is my new friend that I made about a month ago that's been helping me try to get away from my old friends and starting a new school life sorta and Tf2. What should I do? I feel lost.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 590,"Title: I feel like a coward

Text: I’ve been feeling like ending it and have been wanting to end it for awhile now, recently more than ever, I always get close, but I can never do the damn deed

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 591,"Title: i want to die

Text: not much to say I just really can't bare living anymore. living is exhausting and death seems easy. death is a new beginning, a chance to actually be happy. I want nothing more than to get rid of this brain and all the diseases inside of me.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 592,"Title: I'm pretty sure I'm going to off myself next week.

Text: My fiance of over 3 years is leaving me, i have to be out of our house at the end of the month I have no where to go im going to loose my job, I lost my sister (26) I few months ago and have been battling with depression and alcoholism and this cold weather doesn't help. I'm unmedicated (other than psychedelics) and suffer from schizoaffective disorder my fiance was my go to person for comfort. I'm picking the nitrogen way out I just need to pick up the tank and get it filled. I'm going to a spot in the woods going to take a few ambien drink some Wild turkey hook the CPAP mask up and go. I'm worried about hurting my family I know my dog will miss me to but I don't see a future I want to live in anymore. I had a good life had plans to get married in the summer even, now it's all gone. Anyone know any good suicide jokes?

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_active_ongoing
Question 593,"Title: I have no friends. Nobody ever contacts me first

Text: And I'm okay with it. I'm a failed professional who is miles behind academically and professionally my friends. So I don't care about seeing them. They never contact me first and I haven't bothered my ass to contact them in months. I'm at a point now where I say fuck it do I live a life without friends or just end it all now and find peace

Forgot to mention I have zero self esteem

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",suicideideation_passive_ongoing
Question 594,"Title: Male Victim despises the system

Text: It was 11 days ago, that I was staring down the barrel of a semi-automatic handgun being held to my face by my deranged abuser.  

I'm not the typical victim, even my male standards.  6'4, 200 pounds, military trained, law enforcement.  My wife is the 98 pound little blonde girl everyone wants to sympathize with.  

The problem is this 98 pound demon has made the past 6 years of my life a living hell, starting with pushing, then slapping, leaving me on the side of the road to walk home, spitting in my face, punching me, constantly belittling and tearing me down, isolating me from friends and family, trying to make me feel like I'm going crazy - and then finally pulling a gun on me.  

Sunday (the 5th) she went outside to drink her margarita, and our 4 year old followed her (she'd been ignoring us all day).  I went to help my 5 year old when she called me into the bathroom.  A few minutes later, I head up to check on them, and I'm attacked with the accusation that I've locked them out of the house, that i""m crazy, how could I do this?  Etc.  

The front door sticks, for what it's worth.  

My daughter (4, remember) starts yelling too, starts saying ""I saw you do it!  I saw you lock the door!""  I raised my voice and told her that if she wanted to tell lies, she could go straight to bed - the worst punishment for a 4 year old at 6:30 on a Sunday evening.  

Once things calmed down, my wife locked herself in the back guest room, still drinking her drink.  I sat down with both daughters to relax, and wind down from the drama.  They were comfortably ignoring us by watching Youtube at this point.  I got up to check on my wife, gently knocked on the door, and asked her if she wanted to spend some time with the kids - that I would go to the store or something to give her some time apart.  

Wife proceeds to tear through the door, screams for me to ""get out of my house"", tells me she has a gun.  I tell her she's bluffing, and i'm not leaving the house with her acting this way.  She shoves past me, runs to the closet, and pulls a Taurus from the shelf, and aims it at me.  At this point, our oldest daughter has run into the room wondering what in the world is going on.  My wife lowers the gun, and now it's pointed at my daughter, albeit accidentally.  I call 911.  

My wife is arrested, an Order of Protection is put in place.  She continues to violate it by contacting me (I don't answer), trying to contact my parents, friends, etc.  Her mom calls my boss on his office phone to claim that i'm abusing my wife and kids.   DCS visits and clears me of any wrongdoing.  My kids are safe and happy - my oldest tells the DCS rep ""I'm safe, because my daddy is here.""

Wife hires a hotshot attorney who specializes in making men look like aggressors, to get the DV perpetrator off the hook.  The police do not follow up on any of the calls regarding the Order of Protection or Bond Condition violations, ranging from workplace harassment to outright death threats.  I'm sitting here waiting while the attorneys have time to build their case - and the state DA does absolutely nothing in the meantime.  

I'm in the process of getting letters of recommendation from rather high-ranking law enforcement officials, as well as collecting her mental health treatment records.  I feel like i'm screwed no matter what - I've been looked down on this entire time, and told that I ""let"" it happen.  

I just want my kids to be safe, and to be away from this woman for the rest of our lives.  

That's my story.  I hope it ends happily...or ends at all.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**",domesticviolence_ongoing
Question 595,"Title: Abusive Mom, what can I do? I'm a guy

Text: I've been living with an abusive mother for my entire life and I want it to end. It started out as neglecting me, hitting me, constantly screaming at me, and trying to abandon me multiple times. It was even worse since I'm autistic and I didn't understand anything. It took me years to even realize that being kicked, stabbed with forks, left in wild grass fields, being called bastard, told that I should find a different family, and told to sit down on the floor in stores from morning to night, were not normal. Even now as I'm 24 she screams at me and still tries to emotionally manipulate me to do what she wants and get punished for what she believes she saw or heard me do. She has even said that she would call the police to remove me from our house if I didn't do what she said. She even threatens to send our dogs away because she sees them as nothing more than a nuisance. Or just have them killed. She can't be bothered to do anything but purchase excessive amounts of clothes and sleep until 5PM. Unfortunately my dad enables her by telling me to just do what she says, no matter how many times I've broken down and cried to ask him to stop. Even after going to a mental hospital to stop myself from committing suicide, she still treats me the same and says it's my fault. I just want it to end, without having to leave my home or my dogs. I tried calling the domestic abuse hotline but no one answered and the machine always hung up on me. Now I'm here, please help me

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","childabuse_endangerment_past,suicideideation_active_past"
Question 596,"Title: vent: I wish my family kept my issues in mind; also I'm scared that I'm victimizing myself

Text: cw: (long) rant/vent, si, depression ( and maybe some family issues?)

i'm new to reddit and unsure whether this is the best place to post this, any advice would be very appreciated

this is very messy and idk if anyone is even going to read it lol

so i (17) have struggled with my mental health for years now (for no valid reason). When I was 12 I kinda tried to tell my family about wanting to, yk, end it all, but wasnt taken seriously. When I was 13 I was diagnosed with depression, but everyone treated it like it went away immediately (my preexisting depression was aggravated by some meds i had to take, and i was in a hospital for different reasons so the doctors really weren't educated on the matter). This summer, one of my sisters saw my sh and told my mother about it. I lied and said it was a one-time thing and that i didnt do it anymore, but i'm not sure whether my mom believes me. Anyways, that is basically the context. So, I have a lot of temperament/ some anger issues and have basically always struggled with my family, like i was always the failure. I honestly don't know why I am like this. But it leads to a LOT of self hatred. And I don't know what to do about it? I tried to change soo much but didnt have success. So, I know I am the problem. But still I wished my family, especially that sister (she's 21) would keep my mh issues in mind some more? it may look like i'm just lazy but I am trying my best. staying alive is just so exhausting, and I was already a slob and disorganized before my mh got worse. But like she acts like she's so much better than me because she is more organized. And her anger issues are always ignored while mine are put in the spotlight (might also be because i dont talk that much about it and she does it less when my mom is around) but she is so much worse than me? She threatens me with very physical stuff at the slightes inconveniance, and somehow manages to get away with it. She also used to tell me that everyone in my family hated me when i was 12, and that motivated my si because i thought no one would miss me then. But then i honestly dont know if i overanalize things. Like, maybe I just put myself in the victim's role in my mind? Like i often have no idea how much I can trust my mind.

For example, I have this crystal clear memory of my childhood, where we were at a therapist's and had to choose figurines to represent our family, and my sisters chose a monster for me. But I recently found out that it was apparently the other way around? So now I'm really scared that I'm just constantly victimizing myself.

i mean, I know my struggles are sort of there and real, I had a rather lonely childhood and, though I barely remember anything, I know kindergarden teachers were concerned because I barely smiled and it took me years to find a friend, and I always had tendencies to isolate myself. But maybe I victimized myself all the time and overplayed my problems in my mind? 

god i just feel really invalid and unsure now and I really hate myself.

I'm really sorry if this is annoying.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","selfharm_past,suicideideation_passive_ongoing"
Question 597,"Title: Gonna do it soon. Maybe tonight, idk. (Tw r*pe

Text: Gonna get rambley but I don’t give a shit. Fuck it I’ll be dead soon anyways

I can’t take this anymore, man. I don’t even feel like my body belongs to me anymore. It feels like I’m already dead, just a walking zombie waiting for someone to put me out if my misery. I just want to close my eyes and sink into the floor and rot and become just like the bugs. Like dirt. A fucking rat, I don’t care. 

Do you know how fucking awful it is to hear what I hear go through my head? I’m fucking. I’m drinking. And I mean,I’m gonna drink a lot. I have a 24 pack next to me and I’m about four deep inly, but I intend to finish this all off by the end of the night.  

I don’t even want sex much less from my FUCKING UNCLE. It’s gross I don’t like it I don’t like it. I don’t want anyone to ever touch me again. 

He told me I liked it. And I had to of, because he told me how much I liked it all the time and he still does and he still DID and why would it keep fucking happening if I didn’t like it? But I know I don’t. I don’t like it, I hate it so much and I feel so gross and dirty and fucking dirty and I’m so scared. But he told me how much I liked it ifucking hate him

It feels like I’m in a waking nightmare

Fuvk it

Gonna kill my self

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","childabuse_endangerment_ongoing,rape_ongoing,suicideideation_active_ongoing"
Question 598,"Title: [24F] Day one of leaving my abusive ex [24M] when I should have left a while ago. I really need some encouragement

Text: My abusive ex was my best friend for 4 years before we started dating for 6 years. We went to the same middle school, high school, undergrad, and now same med school in hopes of becoming doctors. I was also closer to his family than my own. Throughout our relationship I want to say he neglected me quite a bit because he was going through his personal issues and I guess I was clingy in the beginning of the relationship. Almost 2 years in, I got raped by one of his friends while I was passed out drunk and ever since then I've been silently dealing with this trauma. I never told my ex what happened to me because I felt no one was going to believe me. Our relationship slowly improved throughout the years, despite the multiple downs we had because of my traumatized attitude. Keep in mind he had no clue what happened to me but we managed to work things out by talking things on how I could improve my attitude. We eventually moved in together and got a dog. Things were going great until we started having problems again, just arguing over little things (we were also very stressed cus of med school so I would blame it on that). But it got to the point where I couldn't hide my trauma anymore, I started asking myself why am I the way I am and I decided to open up to him about what happened to me. Things did not go well, I traumatized him because he's taking it as I cheated on him (there's more to the story that makes things complicated) but anyways he ended up bruising my leg really bad and that traumatized me even more ontop of the sexual assault trauma I have. He apologized and said he didn't mean to, that he wanted to punch the couch but ended punching me. I believed him but didn't want to trust him completely. I ended up moving out of our place because he ended up destroying my clothes, things of sentimental value, and electronics...he didn't know how to handle ""the lie I've been keeping away from him for 4 years"". He would say I made him do the things he did including the hitting. We had no contact for about 2 weeks and then started talking again for my birthday. Things weren't going well, he would get triggered and argue with me telling me how could I have kept that away from him and how disgusted he was by me but then say he cared about me and that we can maybe work things out going to therapy.  Fast forward, this went on for like a month back and forth. I then decided to block him for reals this time and lived my life with no contact with him for a month. I didn't even say happy birthday but the day after his birthday he calls me from the vet's office saying our dog got hurt. He needed to borrow money and I felt obligated to help out because he was my dog as well. His mom payed me 2 days after but this opened the communication for us to keep talking. I've been in therapy everyday for about 2 months ever since I opened up to him about my trauma and him abusing me, so I thought I could handle casually talking to him. While all of this was going on, I also decided to report my sexual assault.... in hopes of finding my voice, empowering myself. My ex also went and gave his statement so that also opened more scary doors. A couple of weeks went by, and we sent couple of texts throughout the day and he would give me mixed signals. He initiated that he wanted to get breakfast and we did. A week later (yesterday) I was going to the beach alone to relax and sip on some wine and read, I told him he was welcomed to come. Turns out the detective calls me while I was driving with him to the beach and tells me there wasn't enough evidence to charge my perpetrator. I was devasted and started tearing as I drove. My ex had his headphones in and ignored me the remainder of the ride. I needed some support or some kind of reassurance that I existed at that moment. When we got to the beach he still didn't talk to me and just took our dog out and his stuff, making his way to the beach. He then called me and I asked where he was and we met up. I gave him his space and decided to swim, skip rocks, and swim with our dog. After sipping on some wine, he grabs me and pulls me towards him, hugging me. He kissed me and I was confused on what his intentions were, but ofcourse it was the wine. He started being very touchy but I guess I let him...I then asked him what was the kissing about and he said ""what?you thought we were getting back together, I already told you we are never getting back together. I was just trying to have fun"" (I've been his only gf, we lost our virginity to eachother) I told not to talk yo me again if he wants to treat me that way. So on the way back he drove my car because I wasn't feeling well to drive and he started arguing with me saying he was being honest with me saying that how could I think we could ever get back together and that he wishes I get raped again. I stood up for myself and started saying if he has enough confidence to go find another girl to mess around with. I told him that month we had no contact I realized I did not need him because I'm strong, and those 4 years I did not need him because I dealt with my trauma in silent and he backhand slapped my face, bruising my lip...this was more traumatizing than the first time and I decided to call 911 but he started screaming saying no that he had weed with him and I hung up cus I didn't want to deal with the cops after what happened with the detective. He was verbally abusing me the car ride to his house, mixed with I still care about you but now I only see him as this asshole he's not. When he parked outside his house, he broke my windshield. His mom came out to scold me saying why am I talking to him and tempting him. Things between me and him won't work out because things are going to get worse she said. I was hopeful he was going to change, I had faith and now I feel so empty and stupid. I deleted his family, friends and blocked them. I told them I want nothing to do with them. Now I'm so heartbroken...after everything we've been through, this is how things finally end.....he mentioned he wished he would've hurt me more and I've never been so scared of dying like at that moment....When I got home I saw his last text that said kill yourself. I feel so destroyed....I hate that I miss him, I hate that I'm saying goodbye to the life I once dreamed with him. I hate that I feel like I still love him. I really thought I was going to marry my suppose best friend but he turned out to be like a psychopath...If anyone can relate or give me tips on how to move on, I would appreciate it. Thank you for reading.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","domesticviolence_past,rape_past"
Question 599,"Title: [TW] I was raped 3 years ago

Text: I'm in 10th grade now, and sorry if my age isn't quite allowed, but I recently went public and a part of me wants to share my story to someone who might be my age lurking here looking for something.
I'm male, which immediately has made people doubt my attack. I am gay, and I got into a relationship with a guy in 6th grade. That guy was nice at first but he soon started to get aggressive. He would scream at me, but I figured I could handle it so I let it happen.
Then he'd start making threats. He was bigger than me, I mean I'm a practical twig, I'm 100 pounds now and I was far below average back then. He beat me into compliance with whatever he wanted.
Then, after a few weeks of forcing me into submission, he forced me some drugs into me and would rape me. He would cut me, throw me against walls and stalls, hit me with random objects, the only way it seemed I could get out of it was if I let him just do it and get it over with.
To this day I sort of struggle with blaming myself, I have triggers from things as simple as the school bell. I started to get therapy a few months ago and now I'm able to function normally. I've been able to write about what happened to me and I even uploaded a video to Instagram of me detailing what happened. 
My life has gotten significantly better since therapy, so, anyone who feels like it does get better, trust me - it does. It takes time, it takes work, it takes dedication, it takes the belief that you can do it, but it can be done. 
I went from wanting to end everything almost every week (my lovely non-abusive boyfriend helped me out of those scenarios and frequently held me to calm me down, let me cry, he's been lovely to me - sadly we broke up around January though) to putting my life together and functioning again. 
I've even started to do something with my life, I have started a small project to help sexual assault survivors through panic attacks or life-or-death scenarios if nobody else is around. 
----
I don't take DMs, I'm serious about that, this isn't a burner account and I am still a minor. DMs result in a block, plain and simple.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","rape_past,suicideideation_passive_past"
Question 600,"Title: I tried.

Text: To be frank, I was given a shitty hand to play with from the start.  


I was sex trafficked from my biological family from before I could form memories (toddler age).  
I was abused heavily physically, emotionally, sexually, and financially by those people.  
I was heavily cyberbullied and bullied IRL for several years.  
I was raped multiple times as an adult.  
I went through an extremely abusive marriage.  
I'm presently reliant on the people who trafficked me to make basic ends meet because I can't work due to mental illness caused by all this.

My life is so fucked that there were things I didn't even think to mention in the footnotes of it, like how I've nearly died twice, or that I experienced systemic abuse from the psych system and from police, or how I faced severe transphobia in general.

Yet despite all this, I've really, really fucking tried.  
I moved out before 18, hopped from a million different places across different states, tried to get work despite my severe CPTSD and DPDR, but couldn't sustain it.  
I moved across the world to be with my spouse only to have them turn out to be a monster.

For my whole life I've had Depersonalization Derealization disorder, it's one of the most hellish disorders you can have if it's severe, and mine has only waned in very few circumstances.

It's like you aren't really alive when it's severe, and for me every single day right now, and for much of the past, it's at that 10/10 severity.

I see a psychiatrist who specializes in dissociative disorders and treatments, he's given me what he can, and said there is nothing more he can do, as there isn't a medicine based cure for DPDR, you have to treat the bulk of the underlying issues in your life (which in my case are enormous)

I also started seeing a therapist, between 1-3 times a week depending, who specialized in some of the particular issues I had.

Both told me now that they have nothing else they can do for me, and yet my DPDR is at an extremely severe point.

I've always said that if you're going to kill yourself then the best thing you can do is to make every risky decision possible, since there's nothing riskier than death.

I decided to try shrooms, despite them being a dissociative, and having a proclivity to increase DPDR or induce it in some people, they also have the potential to do the inverse in others due to bringing out repressed emotions or inducing euphoric experiences.  


 My first two trips went fine, the first was euphoric, and the 2nd I was crying quite heavily, but it was cathartic and helped me understand how alone I felt in my life (I only have one IRL person and one online person who I'm meaningfully close to, and no family)  


My last trip however (the 3rd), I just snapped.  
I was listening to a song I found beautiful, and tried to share it with the woman I live with, and she brushed it off due to it not being her kind of thing, and I snapped.  
I started saying how I felt I had no one I could share anything beautiful with, and broke down into scream crying.

From then I had a movie-esque traumatic trip, reality completely goes away, the walls are moving in, everything is rocking back and forth, and you feel complete and utter terror, an experience that no trauma I'd ever dealt with could even come close to, which is saying a whole fucking lot.  


I was already so far gone before this with my DPDR, and now the derealization has gotten so absurdly intense that it basically feels like I don't exist, or that I'm somehow in the wrong universe with the wrong stimuli.  


I've tried so so so so so so hard to make a life with the hand I was dealt, but when the psych and the therapist tell you they have nothing more to offer, and things continue to go down hill, suicide feels like a reasonable option at this point.

I'm not an impulsive suicidal person, I've had an effective method on hand for a long time now, and if I go it's only going to be if I'm 100% sure I want to.

This is the first time I think that I'm approaching that 100%.

I really don't know if I'll make it to the end of the year, or if it's even worth trying to.

Despite me being responsible for contributing some money to the expenses of the woman who I'm with and who houses me, I've started blowing the most recent money I got on things that might make me happy, desperately hoping that something brings a little reality back into the mix.  


A ukelele because I always wanted to learn, looking to get a poster for the wall by the desk where I've just set up in the side room for gaming, some led bulbs to make the night feel safe and comfortable, I don't know, I just hope something clicks and brings me back from this utterly terrifying level of dissociation.  


I also can't fucking meet anyone to save my life, meeting people in cape town to have an interpersonal connection with is damn near impossible compared to the states.

I feel like a person regularly coming and watching anime, or playing video games, or something, with me could make a difference, or me going to them, just something and someone to bring more back to life.

If I die before the end of the year, I hope yall make it, there's a way out of damn near every situation I've heard people go through who are suicidal, and I'm confident you can figure it out and live.

good luck.

For any crisis present, mark whether it is Ongoing or Past. 
**Leave a row blank if that crisis type is not present.**","childabuse_endangerment_past,domesticviolence_past,rape_past,suicideideation_active_ongoing"