Rachel: Joey! Joey, good one! (Mr. Thompson starts to laugh.)
 Mr. Thompson: That's good. Very good! (Walks away.)
 (After he's left, Rachel stops laughing and glares at Joey again.)
 Joey: So uh listen, I think I'm gonna take off now. (Starts to get up.)
 Rachel: (stopping him) Hey! You can't leave Joey! You agreed to
 buy that boat, all right?! That is a contract! And plus if you leave, my boss is gonna
 kill me!
 Joey: Well, what am I gonna do Rach?! I don't have that kind of money!
 Rachel: I know. Okay. (Whispering and thinking.) Okay. Okay. All right. All
 right, this is what we're gonna do, we are gonna go to the next highest bidder, and
 we are just gonna let them buy it, and then you're just gonna pay the difference.
 Joey: Okay.
 Rachel: Okay.
 Joey: Look, I don't know why the kids need a youth center anyway!
 Y'know? They should just watch TV after school like I did and I turned out fine!
 Rachel: Not great.
 [Scene: The Restaurant, Monica and Chandler's and Richard and Lisa's tables
 have been pushed together and they're all eating and talking.]
 Monica: And so, we're hiding in the bathroom.
 Richard: And-and then I sneak out and before Monica can her parents come in.
 Monica: So I hide in the shower and the next thing you know they're going
 at it right on the bathroom floor.
 Lisa: (laughing) Oh my God!
 (Transcriber's Note: For further reading on the above story, please check out The One Where Joey Moves Out.)
 Chandler: I got a good one, I got a good one! I once walked in on both my
 parents making love to the same guy.
 (An awkward silence ensues.)
 Richard: It's so great seeing you guys again. I'd like to make a
 toast. (Everyone raises their glasses) Uh, as a poet once said, 'In the sweetness of
 friendship, let there be laughter and sharing of pleasures for in the due of little things
 the heart finds it's morning and is refreshed.'
 Monica: Ohh.
 Chandler: What?!
 (They all drink.)
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Chandler are returning to find Ross
 is there waiting for them.]
 Ross: Oh my God, you guys!! (He's excited about what he thought happened.)
 Chandler: (stopping him from going any further) Before you say anything, have we
 got a story for you! Guess who we bumped into at dinner!
 Ross: Who?
 Chandler: Richard!
 Ross: What? (Excited) A-ohh! (Realizes) Ohh. Oh that's right that's
 right. That's Richard's favorite place too.
 Chandler: Oh you knew that. Good!
 Monica: I thought you were going out with Elizabeth.
 Ross: Yeah, I was but uh, she was a little busy with a water balloon fight.
 Monica: Oh Ross, sometimes grown-ups have commitments they just can't get
 out of!
 Ross: Y'know, maybe she is too young for me. Y'know, when I was over
 there and she was running around with her friends, I felt like I was a baby-sitter. I
 finally started to see what you guys were talking about. I don't know what to do.
 Monica: Why don't you just weigh out the good stuff about the relationship
 against the bad stuff. I mean that's what I did when I first (looks at Chandler and
 pauses) weighing stuff.
 Ross: Okay umm, bad stuff. Well, I'm-I'm 12 years older than she is.
 Monica: If the school finds out you're fired.
 Ross: Hmm.
 Monica: She's leaving for three months.
 Chandler: For camp!
 Ross: Okay, good stuff. Umm, well she's-she's sweet and pretty
 and
 Monica: Look Ross, the only question you need to ask is, 'Do you see a
 future?' I mean like do you see yourself marrying her? (Ross pauses in
 consideration.) Oh my God! You did it already! You married her, didn't you?!
 Ross: No! No! I didn't do that. It's just  Okay, honestly
 no. I don't, I don't see a big future with her.
 Monica: Okay well I think that's your answer.
 Ross: I've got to talk to her. Ugh, I hate this part.
 Chandler: Hey, you have to forget about Elizabeth. I mean if you're not
 careful you may not get married at all this year!
 [Scene: The Charity Event, Rachel and Phoebe are sitting at the table as Joey
 approaches.]
 Joey: Rach! Rachel! Okay, the next highest bidder is at table one.
 Rachel: Oh great!
 Joey: (To Phoebe) Oh and uh the guy who got the Paris trip is at table four.
 Phoebe: Oh, okay.
 Rachel: (To Phoebe) Why do you care about the guy who won the Paris trip?
 Phoebe: It's a trip for two! (She gets up and takes off her blouse-type
 thingy she's wearing over her dress.) Excuse me. (She walks over to table four.)
 Excuse me, is the person who won the Paris trip at this table?
 Emil Alexander: That was me.
 Phoebe: Oh, en chante. (She holds out her hand for him to kiss it, but he only
 shakes it.)
 (Transcriber's Note: Please correct my French here.)
 [Cut to Joey and Rachel approaching table one.]


Joey: Uhh, excuse me is there a Mr. Bowmont at this table?
 Mr. Bowmont: That's me.
 Joey: Ahh, yes. (Pushes Rachel in front of himself so that she could do the
 talking.)
 Rachel: Oh well, hello. This is your lucky day Mr. Bowmont, the uh gentleman day
 sailer as just become available again and I believe that you made a bid of $18,000.
 Joey: You-you have to pay that! It's not just a guess.
 Rachel: (To Joey) Okay. Okay. (Shushes him.)
 Mr. Bowmont: I was actually relieved uh I didn't win the boat. My wife
 would've killed me.
 Rachel: Ohh
 Joey: Are you kidding me?! She's gonna this boat!
 Rachel: Y-Yeah! What-what is your wife's name?
 Mr. Bowmont: It's Pam.
 Rachel: Pam! Oh God okay, just imagine this, 'The Pam.'
 Joey: Aw-awww!
 Mr. Bowmont: I don't think she'd like that.
 Rachel: Okay, uh-uh imagine this, 'The Mr. Bowmont.'
 Joey: Oooooh
 Mr. Bowmont: I don't think so dear.
 Rachel: Okay look, let me paint you a little picture. (She sits down next to
 him.) All right, you are settin' sail up the Hudson! You've got the wind in your
 h (sees that he's bald) arms! You-you get all that peace and quiet that
 you've always wanted! You get back to nature! You can go fishin'! You
 can ooh, you can get one of those little hats and have people call you captain, and
 then when you're old, Cappy.
 Mr. Bowmont: What the hell, it's for a good cause! All right!
 Joey: No way! It's mine!!
 Rachel: (To Joey) What?! What?!
 Joey: All that stuff you just said? I want that!
 Rachel: But Joey you don't have $20,000!
 Joey: Who cares?! I-I'll make payments, whatever it takes, I want the Mr.
 Bowmont!!
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is taking out the garbage as Phoebe and
 Joey enter. Phoebe gasps.]
 Joey: Oh my God, you're back!
 Phoebe: Ohh, let me see it! Let me see your hand! (Chandler is frantically
 trying to wave them off.)
 Monica: Why do you want to see my hand?
 Phoebe: I wanna see what's in your hand. I wanna see the trash.
 Joey: Yeah.
 (Chandler puts his face in his hands as Joey and Phoebe start to examine the trash.)
 Phoebe: Eww! Oh, it's all dirty. You should throw this out.
 Monica: (suspiciously) Okay. (Exits to carry out Phoebe's wishes.)
 Chandler: (after the door closes) What did you guys just do?!
 Phoebe: What happened?
 Chandler: Richard was there so I couldn't do it!
 Joey: What?! Noooo  (Phoebe gasps.)
 Chandler: I'm gonna do it tomorrow y'know, and-and surprise her, but
 now you've ruined it!
 Joey: We didn't ruin it!
 Chandler: Who walks into a room and asks to see a person's hands?!
 Phoebe: Well, a palm reader, a manicurist, a hand doctor
 Joey: Glove salesman!
 Phoebe: Good one! Yeah.
 Chandler: This is terrible. What am I going to do?
 Phoebe: Look, she only suspects something okay? She doesn't know for sure,
 so just throw her off the track.
 Chandler: That's right, I can throw her off. I can make her think marriage
 is the last thing on my mind.
 Phoebe: Yeah! Yeah! Convince her that-that you're scared of commitment!
 Convince her that you're a little coward!
 Chandler: I can do that, I've had 30 years of practice.
 Joey: Hey, being you is finally gonna pay off! (They give each other fives.)
 Monica: (entering) I had to go all the way to the basement because some idiot
 keeps stuffing the trash chute with pizza boxes!
 Joey: That guy's still doing that?!
 Rachel: (entering) Hey! (Sees Monica, gasps, and runs over to her.) Oh my God
 you're here, let me see your hand!!
 Phoebe: No, you're too late!!! She already took out the trash!!!
 [Scene: Outside of Elizabeth's dormitory, Ross is exiting after breaking up with
 her and we can hear his thoughts.]
 Ross: (in his head) Wow! I have never had such a healthy break-up! She was
 such a grown-up about it! She didn't seem too immature for me! Did I just make a huge
 mistake?
 Elizabeth: (sticking her head out her window) Ross! Wait!
 Ross: Elizabeth, thank God! I was just thinking about
 Elizabeth: You suck!!
 Ross: What?!
 (She throws a water balloon at him and hits him on the head and hits him again at the
 waist with another one.)
 Ross: Okay, break-up's still on!
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is looking out the window and Joey is sitting on the
 couch.]
 Chandler: Okay, okay, here she comes! (Sits on the couch next to him.) How do I
 look? Do I look like a guy who doesn't want to get married?
 Joey: Yeah! And also, a little like a French guy. (They both squint at each
 other.) I never noticed that before.
 Monica: (entering) Hi guys!
 Joey: Hey!
 Chandler: Hey!
 Monica: What are you up too?


Chandler: Oh, just hanging out, talkin' about uh, websites. (Joey laughs.)
 Yeah, we saw this really interesting website about marriage and how totally unnecessary it
 is and how its just a way for the government to keep tabs on you.
 Joey: (laughs) Yeah, Big Brother.
 Monica: Well that's a little crazy. Although I am y'know glad to hear
 that you're branching out on what you look at on the Internet.
 Chandler: Yeah, well  Y'know, it just got me thinking though, why
 would anybody ever want to get married huh?
 Monica: Why?! To celebrate your relationship! To solidify your commitment! To
 declare your love for one another to the world!
 Chandler: Eh
 Monica: Okay well that's good to know.
 (We hear the backup horn of a truck and see through the window that the Mr. Bowmont has
 arrived.)
 Joey: (all excited) The Mr. Bowmont's here!!! (Jumps over the back off the
 couch and runs out into the street.)
 [Scene: Monica's Restaurant's kitchen, she's cooking as a waitress
 sticks her head in.]
 Waitress: Hey Monica, there's a customer who wants to complement the chef,
 should I let him in?
 Monica: Sure, I love this part! (Starts to look busy.)
 Waitress: (to the customer) Come on in.
 (The customer turns out to be )
 Richard: Hi!
 Monica: Richard!
 Richard: Actually, I'm not here to complement the chef.
 Monica: Ohh  Oh, that's okay I hate when people come back to
 complement the chef. Like I have nothing better to do! So what's up?
 Richard: Well, it was great seeing you the other night.
 Monica: Oh, good to see you too. Did you come down here to tell me that?
 Richard: No! I came here to tell you something else. (Pause) I came here (Pause)
 to tell you I still love you.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica's Restaurant, continued from earlier.]
 Monica: What uh What did you What?!
 Richard: I still love you. And I know I probably shouldn't even be here
 telling you this, I mean you're with Chandler a guy I really like, and if you say
 he's straight I'll believe you! After seeing ya the other night I knew if I
 didn't tell ya I'd regret it for the rest of my life. Letting you go was the
 stupidest thing I ever did.
 Monica: Y'know you're really not supposed to be back here!
 Richard: Well yeah, I'm sorry. I know this is the wrong time and the wrong
 place but I had to tell ya! I wanna spend my life with you. I wanna marry you. I wanna
 have kids with you.
 Monica: Oh God  (Starts looking around.) Why don't they put chairs
 back here?!
 Richard: I know this is crazy but am I too late?
 Monica: What the  Yes you're too late! Where was all this three years
 ago?!
 Richard: Well I know I was an idiot! And I tried to forget you, I really did!
 Y'know after we had lunch last year I spent six months in Africa trying to get
 you out of my head!
 Monica: What were you doing in Africa?
 Richard: Working with blind kids.
 Monica: Ohhh! What are you doing to me?! Oh look, I-I  I'm sorry but
 umm, this-this-this-this is not going to happen.
 Richard: Okay that's fine, I'll walk away. And I'll never bother
 you again, but only if you tell me Chandler's willing to give you everything I
 am.
 Monica: Well he is! Yeah, I mean marriage is all he talks about! My goodness, in
 fact, I'm the one that's making him wait!
 Richard: You are?
 Monica: Yeah!
 Richard: Why?
 Monica: Why? Because of the government.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is bringing Phoebe some coffee.]
 Rachel: Isn't it incredible?! Monica and Chandler, gettin' married.
 Phoebe: I know, they're gonna be so happy together.
 Rachel: Ohh  I mean two best friends falling in love, how often does that
 happen?
 Phoebe: Not that often!
 Rachel: No! I'm so happy for them!
 Phoebe: Me too! So happy for them!
 Rachel: I'm so happy and not at all jealous.
 Phoebe: Oh no! No God, definitely not jealous!
 (They both take a drink of coffee.)
 Rachel: I mean I'm probably 98% happy, maybe 2% jealous. And I mean
 what's 2%? That's nothing.
 Phoebe: Totally. I'm like 90/10.
 Rachel: Yeah me too.
 (Joey enters looking like Captain Stubing from the Love Boat.)
 Joey: Hey uh, have you guys scene Chandler?
 Rachel: (staring at him) Wh no, but y'know who did stop in here
 looking for ya, Tennille.
 [Scene: A Pizza Joint, Chandler and Monica are eating lunch.]
 Monica: So that marriage stuff that you were saying yesterday, you don't
 really believe that do you?
 Chandler: Sure I do. In fact, I think the whole concept of marriage is
 unnatural. I mean look at pigs. Let's take a second here and look at pigs. Okay pigs
 don't mate for life. I mean a pig can have like a hundred sexual partners in a
 lifetime, and that's just an ordinary pig not even a pig that's good at sports!


Monica: Yeah, but that's pigs not people!
 Chandler: If marriage worked, I'd be all for it. But do you know what the
 divorce rate in this country is? 97%.
 Monica: Wait a minute. Are you honestly telling me that-that you may never
 want to get married?
 Chandler: Well, never say never but y'know probably uh yeah, never.
 Monica: Oh my God! Then-then-then what are we even doing?! What is this?!
 Chandler: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What is all this pressure?! Is this some new kind of
 strategy? Why don't you put down your copy of  The Rules' huh mantrap?!
 Monica: Y'know what?! I gotta go! Ugh!
 (She gets up and storms out. The people at the other tables are staring at Chandler.)
 Chandler: (to them) It's okay, I got a plan.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are still talking.]
 Rachel: We're gonna find love!
 Phoebe: Definitely!
 Rachel: Yeah, I'm pretty confident about that. That's what makes it so
 easy for me to be 80% happy for Monica and Chandler! It would be nice to have a little
 guarantee though.
 Phoebe: What do you mean?
 Rachel: Well y'know, some people make deals with a friend, like if neither
 of them are married by the time they're 40, they marry each other.
 Phoebe: You mean a backup?
 Rachel: Exactly!
 Phoebe: Yeah, yeah I got that.
 Rachel: You do?
 Phoebe: Hm-mmm.
 Rachel: Who?
 Phoebe: Joey.
 Rachel: Joey?!
 Phoebe: Yeah!
 Rachel: Are you serious?!
 Phoebe: Yeah, I locked him years ago!
 Rachel: Wh  So  If neither of you are married by the time you're
 40, you're gonna marry Joey.
 Phoebe: Yep, we shook on it. Yeah but believe me that is not how he wanted to
 seal the deal.
 Rachel: Oh, seriously?
 Phoebe: Ohh, yeah. I think his exact words were  (She makes two clicking
 sounds with her tongue and purrs.)
 Rachel: Charming.
 Phoebe: Well hey, it's just a backup.
 Rachel: Yeah.
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey, still looking like Captain Stubing, is practicing his
 slipknots as Monica enters.]
 Joey: Hey Monica!
 Monica: Have you seen Rachel? Or a mirror?
 Joey: This is for my boat, pretty cool huh?
 Monica: Yeah, it's great.
 Joey: Whoa-whoa, what's the matter?! Talk to the captain!
 Monica: I'm just having one of those days where you realize you're in
 a dead-end relationship!
 Joey: Chandler giving you a hard time huh?
 Monica: It's not like I want to get married tomorrow! It's just that
 I-I'd like to believe that I'm in a relationship that's actually going
 somewhere, that I'm not just wasting my time!
 Joey: Well, you know Chandler.
 Monica: No I don't know Chandler! Not anymore! It's like it's
 like something's changed.
 Joey: Maybe you changed?
 Monica: I didn't change!
 Joey: Maybe that's the problem.
 Monica: What?!
 Joey: Chandler is a complex fellow, one who is unlikely to take a wife.
 Monica: Is that some kind of boat talk?
 Joey: I don't know! (All excited) I haven't totally decided how to
 talk on my boat yet.
 Monica: What does he think? Does he think I'm just gonna wait around for
 nothing?
 Joey: Monica face it, Chandler is against marriage. And-and always will be!
 Monica: (starts for the door) Well there's some people who do want to marry
 me.
 Joey: There are?
 Monica: Yeah! Richard!
 Joey: R-R-Richard said he wants to marry you?! (Monica nods yes.) And-and
 Chandler's tellin' ya how much he hates marriage?!
 Monica: That's right.
 Joey: Chandler loves marriage!!
 Monica: You just told me that he hates marriage! That-that he's a-a complex
 fellow who's unlikely to take a wife! That-that he's against marriage and always
 will be!
 Joey: You got that from what I said?!
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is watching a show about the extinction of the
 dinosaurs.]
 Narrator: When the Cretaceous period ended, the dinosaurs were gone.
 Ross: What happened you guys?
 (There's a knock on the door, he shuts the TV off, and answers it.)
 Ross: Rach!
 Rachel: Hey you!
 Ross: Hey, come on in.
 Rachel: Oh thank you. Hey y'know, I'm so sorry to hear about you and
 Elizabeth.
 Ross: Oh, thanks. Yeah, I really thought we'd be able to make it work, but
 uh, I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
 Rachel: Yeah, love. It's a tricky business isn't it?
 Ross: I guess so.
 Rachel: So what do you say we make a pact? If you and I are both single by the
 time we're 40, we get married. I mean, we know each other, we like each other, and
 we've-we've already slept together so y'know there'll be no surprises
 there! You know what I mean? No like, 'What's that?!'
 Ross: Right. Ohh! You-you want me to be your backup.
 Rachel: Exactly.
 Ross: Ohh, yeah I already have one.
 Rachel: What? Who?
 Ross: Phoebe.


Rachel: Phoebe?! Wait a but-but she just, she said that Joey was her
 backup.
 Ross: Ohh, I don't think so.
 Rachel: Ross! I just had a conversation with her, and she said that she and Joey
 made a deal!
 Ross: That's impossible! I mean we have had a deal for years!
 We-we-we shook on it, although believe me she wanted to do a lot more than that.
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is entering to find Joey, still
 looking like Captain Stubing, on the phone.]
 Joey: Where the hell have you been?!
 Chandler: I was making a coconut phone with the professor.
 Joey: Richard told Monica he wants to marry her!
 Chandler: What?!
 Joey: Yeah! Yeah, I've been trying to find ya to tell to stop messing with
 her and maybe I would have if these (lifts a leg) damn boat shoes wouldn't keep
 flying off!
 Chandler: My Oh my God!
 Joey: I know! They suck!!
 Chandler: He's not supposed to ask my girlfriend to marry him! I'm
 supposed to do that!
 Joey: I know!
 Chandler: Well what  Y'know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go
 over there; I'm gonna kick his ass! (Pause) Will you help me?!
 Joey: Look, Chandler I don't think us getting our asses kicked is a
 solution. Okay? Just go and find Monica!
 Chandler: You're right.
 Joey: Yeah!
 Chandler: Okay. (Starts running for the bedroom) I'm gonna get the ring!
 I'm gonna get the ring! (Does so) I'm gonna go find her and (starts running for
 the door) I'm just going to propose!
 Joey: Okay.
 Chandler: Okay great.
 Joey: Dude-dude-dude!
 Chandler: What?!
 Joey: Let me know about that coconut phone, it might great for the boat.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Richard's Apartment, he's smoking a cigar and reading a book as there
 is a knock on the door. He gets up and opens the door to reveal ]
 Monica: Hi.
 Richard: Hi.
 Monica: I don't know why I'm here.
 Richard: I didn't ask. You wanna come in?
 Monica: I don't know.
 Richard: Oh, okay. Well, I'll just leave the door open and go sit on the
 couch. (Does so.)
 Monica: (entering) Chandler is such an idiot!
 Richard: (standing up quickly) Drink?
 Monica: Yeah, I'll have a scotch
 Richard:  on the rocks with a twist? I remember. (Goes to make her drink.)
 Monica: (moving over to the couch) Still smoking cigars?
 Richard: Uh, no! No! That's art! If it bothers you I can put my art
 out.
 Monica: No that's, that's okay.
 Richard: So Monica let me ask you a question. Y'know, since we broke up do
 you ever, think about me?
 Monica: Uh yeah, I-I actually I thought about you a couple months ago.
 Richard: Oh really?
 Monica: Yeah but it was because I-I had an eye exam and I don't like my new
 eye doctor.
 Richard: Who is it?
 Monica: Edward Nevski?
 Richard: Yeah he's no good. Do you ever (pause) think about me in a (pause)
 non-eye doctor way?
 Monica: No.
 Richard: Ahh.
 Monica: But getting over was the hardest thing that I've ever had to do.
 And I never let myself think about you.
 (Richard mouths, 'Wow!')
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is reading as Rachel enters.]
 Rachel: Phoebe! You picked Joey and Ross?! You can not have two backups!
 Phoebe: Of course I can! It's just good sense to backup your backup! Look,
 I've already lost Chandler!
 Rachel: What?!
 Joey: (entering) Hey!
 Ross: (entering) Hey!
 Joey: Phoebe! We're both (points at Ross and himself) your backup?!
 Ross: Phoebe, how could you do this to me?!
 Phoebe: I don't Look I don't know what you're complaining
 about now? You were both aware of the situation!
 (At the same time.)
 Joey: No we weren't!
 Ross: I was not!
 Phoebe: Okay, this kind of back talk is not gonna fly when we're married!
 Rachel: Phoebe you can't have both of them! You have to pick one!
 Joey: Pick me!!
 Ross: No! Pick me! I don't want to end up an old maid!
 Phoebe: All right well let's see, Ross is a good father, but Joey has a
 boat This is hard!
 Joey: This is crazy! Hey look, I wanna switch to Rachel!
 Ross: Ooh, I wanna switch to Rachel too!
 (Rachel gets all happy.)
 Phoebe: No wait! Just Okay Just wait! You guys! Wait you guys!
 Don't make any rash decisions, okay? Just remember my promise, when we get married,
 three times a week.
 Rachel: Oh God, Phoebe!
 Phoebe: (To Rachel) I'm talking about massages.
 Rachel: Oh.
 (She turns her head away and when she's not looking, Phoebe shakes her head and
 mouths, 'No, I'm not.' Both Joey and Ross smile, look at each other, and
 then stop smiling.)
 Rachel: Okay, y'know what?! I know-I know how to settle this! All right
 here, this is what we're gonna do! I'm gonna write Joey on one napkin (does so)
 and I'm gonna right Ross on the other napkin (does so) and we are going to pick one!
 And that person is going to be our backup! Okay?


Joey: Okay that's fair.
 Ross: All right.
 Phoebe: Good!
 (Rachel mixes them up in her hands, moves them all around, and puts her hands behind
 her back.)
 Rachel: Pick one.
 Phoebe: Left! (Rachel hands her the napkin in her left hand and they both unfold
 and read them.) Thank you.
 Rachel: You're welcome.
 Phoebe: (reading) Ross!
 Rachel: (reading) Joey! (Pause) We should just switch.
 Phoebe: Yeah absolutely! (They both switch.)
 Joey: Yeah.
 [Scene: Richard's Apartment, Monica is looking around and notices an African mask
 hanging on the wall.]
 Monica: (to the mask) I missed you-you ugly, flat faced old freak!
 Richard: Excuse me?
 Monica: Oh! (Laughs and points at the mask.) Him.
 Richard: Oh. (Laughs.) Whew!
 Monica: I missed this apartment! Now, this is a grown-up's apartment!
 Y'know, I-I should be with a grown-up, do you know what I mean?!
 Richard: Yeah! You're saying, you need to be with someone more mature.
 Maybe someone with, a license to practice medicine. Or a mustache.
 Monica: Y'know, let's face it, I'm not a kid anymore! I-I need to
 be with someone who-who wants the same things that I do! I mean coming to my place of work
 and telling me that you love me, I want that! Talking about pig sex over lunch, I don't
 want that!
 Richard: I think that's fair.
 Monica: Fair? Please don't even talk to me about fair! Fair would've
 been you wanting to marry me back then! Or fair would've been Chandler wanting to
 marry me now! Believe me, nothing about this is fair! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!
 Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!
 Richard: It's okay! Shh! Hey. Hey. (Hugs her) Shhhh.
 Monica: Nothing. (She backs away a little bit but is still in his arms and looks
 up at his eyes.) I don't kn Umm. I don't know. Umm
 Richard: I know. (Backs away.)
 Monica: Y'know, I-I  I have to figure some st Y'know,
 some stuff before I can
 Richard: Yeah, I understand. Take as much time as you want. (Pause) Ten, even
 twenty minutes if you need it. I'll be here. Not smoking. (Monica leaves.)
 [Scene: Richard's Apartment, time lapse. Richard is smoking as he hears a knock on
 the door. He quickly puts out his cigar and opens the door.]
 Richard: Chandler.
 Chandler: Where is she? I'm not scared of you! (Averts his eyes and walks
 in.)
 Richard: She's not here and please come in.
 Chandler: (examining the coffee table) Scotch on the rocks, with a twist, on a
 coaster? Ha-ha, Monica! Monica!
 Richard: Okay, she was here, but she left.
 Chandler: Well where did she go?
 Richard: Well she said she had to think things over.
 Chandler: Oh my God, I can't believe this! Y'know, I thought I
 thought you were a good guy.
 Richard: Oh, hey look nothing happened.
 Chandler: Nothing happened? Nothing? So you didn't tell my girlfriend that
 you love her?
 Richard: Well all right, one thing happened?
 Chandler: Y'know what? I can't believe this! Do you know what you did?
 My girlfriend is out there thinking things over! You made my girlfriend think!!
 Richard: Well I'm sorry.
 Chandler: And what does she have to think about? I love her!
 Richard: Well, apparently I'm willing to offer her things that you are not.
 Chandler: But I am willing to offer her all those things. This was just a
 plan, y'know? A way to throw her off course so that when I offered her all these
 things, she'd be surprised!
 Richard: Well if it helps, it worked very well.
 Chandler: It was working until you showed up, you big tree! I mean, this
 isn't fair. You had your chance with her! You had your chance and you blew it! And
 this is my chance and I am not going to blow it because we are meant for each
 other! And this is all just been one stupid mistake! (Sits down heavily.) I was gonna
 propose tonight.
 Richard: You were gonna propose? (Sits on the arm of the couch.)
 Chandler: Yeah I even (pause) got a ring. (Puts in on the center cushion.) Did
 you get a ring?
 Richard: No I don't have a ring! (Pause) You go get her Chandler. (Pause)
 And can I give you a piece of advice? If you do get her, don't let her go. Trust me.
 Chandler: Y'know Richard you are a good guy.
 Richard: I know. (Pause) I hate that!
 (Chandler gets up and runs out, but as soon as the door closes behind him he opens it,
 runs back in, picks up his ring Richard is holding up for him, and runs back out.)
 [Scene: The Hallway, Chandler is running up the stairs and towards his apartment, but
 Joey is taking out the garbage at the same time and stops him in the hall.]
 Joey: Dude!
 Chandler: I can't talk to you now, I gotta find Monica!
 Joey: She's gone.
 Chandler: What?


 The One With Monica's Thunder
 The One With Monica's Thunder
 Teleplay by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman
 Story by: Wil Calhoun
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe are standing
 around the table drinking champagne as Ross enters.]
 Ross: Hey, what's going on?
 Chandler: Hey.
 Ross: I found a note on my door, 'Come to Monica's quick, bring
 champagne and a Three Musketeers bar.'
 Joey: (grabbing the candy bar) Yeah I'll take that.
 Ross: What's up?
 Chandler: Monica and I are engaged.
 Ross: Oh my God. (Hugs Chandler.) Congratulations.
 Chandler: Thanks.
 Ross: Where is she?
 [Cut to Monica out on the balcony.]
 Monica: (yelling at the top of her lungs) I'm engaged!!!!!! I'm
 engaged!!!!
 [Cut back inside.]
 Joey: Yeah, she's been out there for twenty minutes, I'm surprised you
 didn't hear her on the way over.
 Ross: Oh, I thought it was just a kid yelling, 'I'm gay! I'm
 gay!' Can I bring her in?
 Phoebe: Oh no, let her stay out there. It's sweet.
 [Cut to Monica.]
 Monica: I'm getting married!!!! I'm gonna be a bride!!!! (Someone else
 yells at her.) No, I will not shut up because I'm engaged! (He yells again.) Ohh, big
 talk! Huh, why don't you come over here and say that to me?! Huh, buddy?! Yeah, my
 fiancee will kick your ass! (Chandler starts to look worried.) Come on, apartment 20!
 Apartment 20!
 [Cut back inside.]
 Chandler: (To Ross) Okay, you get her in here. (To Joey) You bolt the door.
 I'll be in the closet.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, continued from earlier, everyone is now in the
 living room drinking champagne.]
 Monica: Okay! Wait-wait-wait! Shhh! (Bangs on her class with a spoon to make a
 toast.) Okay, umm, I just wanna say that I love you guys so-so much and-and thank you
 for being here on my special night. (Chandler clears his throat.) Our special night. I
 mean it just wouldn't be my our-our night, if you all weren't here to
 celebrate with me us Damnit!
 Chandler: It's okay, I want this to be your night too. (Raises his class.)
 To Monica.
 Monica: Awww, come on wait stop it. Okay, to Monica.
 Chandler: To Monica!
 (They all say to Monica, clink their glasses, and drink.)
 Phoebe: So have you decided on a band for the wedding? Because, y'know,
 I'm kinda musical.
 Rachel: Yeah Pheebs, honey, she just got engaged a couple of hours ago. I doubt
 she's even had time to
 Phoebe: Well speaking of chiming in, remember the time you burned down my
 apartment?
 Rachel: (To Monica) Yeah, you're on your own.
 Monica: Y'know what we should do? We should all get dressed up and go to
 have champagne at The Plaza.
 (They all agree and start to go and get ready.)
 Joey: But I-I-I can't stay too long, I gotta get up early for a commercial
 audition tomorrow and I gotta look good. I'm supposed to be playing a 19-year-old.
 (Everyone stops in their tracks upon hearing this.) What?
 Chandler: So when you said, 'Get up early,' did you mean 1986?
 Joey: You guys don't think I look 19?
 (A brief silence ensues.)
 Phoebe: Oh, 19! We thought you said 90!
 (They all politely laugh and stop just as quickly.)
 Monica: Okay everybody, let's go! Let's go!
 Rachel: Okay.
 Chandler: Okay.
 (They all leave and Joey comes back in quickly.)
 Joey: (To Phoebe) Hey, is uh the rest of my candy bar around here?
 Phoebe: Oh honey no, you ate it all.
 Joey: I was afraid of that.
 (Walks out and after he closes the door Phoebe turns around and takes a bite out of
 what is left of his candy bar.)
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, they're getting ready.]
 Monica: (looking at her hand) Y'know what shoes would look great with this
 ring? Diamond shoes! (Sees Chandler sitting on the bed.) You're not getting dressed.
 (Chandler quietly folds over the comforter on the bed making a spot for her.)
 Chandler: Know what I mean?
 Monica: Yeah, but I don't think we have time.
 Chandler: There's gonna be a wedding. You're gonna be the bride. Two
 hundred people are going to be looking at you in a clean white dress.
 Monica: (lustily) Let's do it! (She kisses him and they fall back onto the
 bed.)
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, time lapse, Chandler is fully dressed and
 slowly walking out of the bedroom with a distressed look on his face.]
 Monica: (chasing after him) Chandler! It happens to lots of guys! You-you-you
 were probably tired, you had a lot of champagne, don't worry about it!
 Chandler: (motioning with his hands) I'm not worried, I'm uh, I'm
 fascinated. Y'know it's like uh, Biology! Which is funny because in high school
 I uh, I-I failed Biology and tonight Biology failed me. (Exits as Phoebe enters from her
 room with her guitar.)


Phoebe: Check it out. Okay, I can play this when the guests are coming in. Okay.
 (Singing)
 'First time I met Chandler, I thought he was gay.
     But here I am singing on his wedding day!'
 Monica: Phoebe!
 Phoebe: If you would've let me finish, it goes on to say that he's
 probably not gay.
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is looking at the foosball table.]
 Chandler: Sure, you guys don't have this problem, you're made of wood.
 (Rachel comes out of the bathroom) Hey!
 Rachel: Hey!
 Chandler: You look great!
 Rachel: (quietly) Oh, thanks.
 Chandler: You okay over there?
 Rachel: I don't know, y'know? I feel a little umm  No,
 y'know what? Never mind, I'm gonna be fine.
 Chandler: Oh, don't worry about it I mean you probably were tired, you had
 a lot of champagne, it happens to everybody.
 [Rachel exits into the hallway just as Ross is coming up the stairs.]
 Ross: Hey!
 Rachel: Hi!
 Ross: Wow! Happy Monica's night!
 Rachel: Well thank you, you too.
 Ross: Thanks.
 Rachel: Hey, do you believe this? Do you believe they are actually getting
 married?
 Ross: Well sure. But I get married all the time so
 Rachel:  Oh
 Ross: You okay?
 Rachel: Yeah, I guess. I-I  I mean, do-do you think we're ever gonna
 have that?
 Ross: You mean, we you and me?
 Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no-no, no, no! We, you with someone and me with someone.
 Ross: Oh good, you scared me for a minute.
 Rachel: Shake it off.
 Ross: I mean no, it's just  cause, it's just 'cause you
 and I were like a nightmare. (Screams.) No, but there was some good times.
 Rachel: No, absolutely. Y'know like it was umm
 Ross: Surely you can think of something good.
 Rachel: Yeah, just give me a minute! (Thinking) Oh well, yes, I can think of one
 good thing.
 Ross: What?
 Rachel: Well you uh, you were always really good at the uh, at the uh the stuff.
 Ross: Yeah? I was good at the stuff huh?
 Rachel: Uh-hmm, uh-hmm, yeah, yeah, I really liked your hands.
 Ross: My hands?
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Ross: Yeah?
 Rachel: Uh-huh.
 Ross: (to his hands) Way to go guys. Y'know, you-you were really good at
 the stuff too.
 Rachel: Oh, I know. Hey, y'know what we never did? (Ross looks at her.) Oh
 no, not that. (Ross nods okay.) We uh, we never had a bonus night!
 Ross: A what?
 Rachel: Y'know, bonus night. Y'know, when two people break up but they
 get back together for just one night.
 Ross: One night, just-just sex. No strings attached?
 Rachel: Yeah-yeah, we never had that,
 Ross: No.
 [Silence.]
 Ross: Okay, this is getting a little crazy. I mean, I'm-I'm sure it
 would be amazing but I gotta say I really-really don't think it would be a good
 idea. Y'know? I really, really don't.
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is playing Playstation, Crash Team Racing
 to be exact (he's in last on Hot Air Skyway to be more exact) as Joey enters from his
 room desperately trying to look like a 19-year-old. He's got the wool cap, he's
 got the cut-off Knicks jersey over the faded T-shirt, and he's got the whole
 pants-around-the-knees-showing-off-the-boxers thing that rich, white, suburban kids have
 adopted in a desperate and extremely futile attempt to try to look like they're from
 the inner-city.]
 Joey:  Sup?  Sup dude?
 Chandler: (putting his hands up) Take whatever you want, just please don't
 hurt me.
 Joey: So you're playing a little Playstation, huh? That's
 whack! Playstation is whack!  Sup with the whack Playstation,
  sup?! Huh? Come on, am I 19 or what?!
 Chandler: Yes, on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the dumbest a person can look,
 you are definitely 19.
 Joey: Come on man, really how old?!
 Chandler: Young! You're a man-child okay?! Now go get changed because
 everybody's ready and please, oh please, keep my underwear!
 Joey: Wow thanks! (He goes into his bedroom and closes the door.)
 Chandler: Joe?
 Joey: Yeah!
 Chandler:  Uh, you've had a lot of sex right?
 Joey: When? Today? Some, not a lot.
 Chandler: Well, it's just the reason that I'm asking is because I kind
 of eh, uh, I was unable to I mean I really wanted to, but I couldn't .
 There huh hmm, there-there was an incident.
 Joey: Don't worry about that man, that happens.
 Chandler: It's happened to you?
 Joey: Yeah! Once.
 Chandler: Well, what'd you do?
 Joey: I did it anyway.
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is in the living room and Phoebe is in
 her room.]
 Monica: Phoebe! Come on! Let's go! (Knocks on her door.) Come on! (Phoebe
 enters with guitar and not ready to go.) Why aren't you dressed yet?!
 Phoebe: I'm sorry, but I just wrote the best dance song for your wedding.
 Check this out. (Gets ready to play.)


Monica: (grabs the guitar away from her) No, Phoebe, I'll tell you what, if
 you get ready now I'll let you play it at the wedding.
 Phoebe: Really?! Oh that's so exciting! Thank you! Thanks Mon! Oh but Mon,
 if you touch my guitar again I'll have to pound on you for a little bit.
 Monica: Fair enough, now go get ready!
 Phoebe: Okay. (She goes to get ready.)
 Monica: I'll get everybody else (Does so), finally we can start celebrating
 my (She gasps and is stopped by the sight of Ross and Rachel making out in the hall.)
 I'm sorry, uh apparently I've opened the door to the past.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, continued from before the commercial break.
 Monica is walking into the apartment followed by Ross and Rachel.]
 Ross: Okay, Monica. Mon, uh what-what you just saw
 Monica: (interrupting) Can I ask you just a little question, huh? Why tonight?
 Rachel: What?
 Monica: See, I've been waiting my whole life to be engaged, and unlike some
 people I'm only planning on doing this once. So, uh y'know, maybe this is
 selfish and I'm sorry about it, but I was kinda hoping tonight could just be about
 that.
 Rachel: Oh honey, but it is just about
 Ross: It is! It is!
 Monica: No it's not! No! No! Now it's about you and Ross getting back
 together!
 Rachel: What?!
 Monica: See yeah umm, you kinda stole my thunder!
 Ross: Okay! Ho-ho! We did not steal your thunder because we are not
 getting back together!
 Rachel: Yeah. No. And you know what? Nobody even saw!
 Ross: Yeah!
 Monica: That's true.
 Rachel: Honey I swear it we just kissed.
 Ross: It was just a kiss. (Phoebe enters and overhears this.)
 Phoebe: You guys kissed!!!!! What does this mean?!! Are you, are you getting
 back together?! Can I sing at your wedding?
 Monica: Thunder being stolen!!
 Rachel: Okay come on Phoebe, it's nothing! Monica, come on!
 Ross: Look let's not make a big deal out of this! It was a one time
 thing. It doesn't even matter!
 (Chandler and Joey enter and overhear that.)
 Joey: Oh my God! I cannot believe you guys are talking about this! The problems
 in the bedroom are between the man and the woman!!! All right?!! Now Chandler is doing the
 best he can!!
 Chandler: (angrily) I don't think that's what they were talking about
 Joe!!
 Phoebe: What a great night, Chandler can't do it, these guys kissed
 (Points to Ross and Rachel.)
 Joey: What?
 Chandler: What?!
 Joey: You guys kissed! Oh my this is huge!
 Rachel: No!
 Ross: Oh no!
 Rachel: No-no, it's really not huge.
 Ross: And; people thinking it's huge has led Monica to believe that we
 are stealing her thunder. (To Monica) Which we are not!
 Monica: Well, we're still talking about it, aren't we?
 Phoebe: Well yeah, that and Chandler's problem.
 Joey: Monica-Monica-Monica-Monica, listen-listen, listen, listen, would-would it
 make you feel better if we all stop talking about Ross and Rachel.
 Monica: Yes that would be lovely.
 Joey: You got it. Okay. Now, I can pass for 19 right?!
 Chandler: Yes, you can pass for 19.
 Joey: Really?
 Chandler: Yes!
 Joey: Seriously?
 Chandler: Seriously? Seriously, no! You can play your own age which is 31!
 Joey: (gasps) I'm 30!
 Rachel: Joey, you are not! You're 31.
 Joey: (realizes) Aww crap!
 Phoebe: Okay, so The Plaza! Okay, we'll get us some Mai Thai's,
 (To Chandler) maybe no more for you though.
 Monica: Y'know what? I-I think that umm, I don't feel like going to The
 Plaza.
 Phoebe: Why?!
 Rachel: Honey, Monica, this is ridiculous! Look
 Monica: No-no, I-I really don't want to talk about it! I don't! (To
 Rachel) Especially with you. (Goes into her room.)
 Joey: Psss, that is whack!
 [Time lapse, Phoebe is playing the guitar for Joey.]
 Phoebe: (she's strumming something) Yeah? (Joey nods yes.) Okay, I think
 I'll play it at the wedding.
 Joey: Yeah! Well, I think we'll see if they actually let you play. Huh? I
 mean they tell you anything you want to hear like-like, 'You look 19,' and then
 they just take it away like-like, 'No you don't.'
 Phoebe: Well, I don't think Monica is gonna take this away.
 Joey: Wouldn't she?
 Phoebe: Would she?
 Joey: Would she? (He smells something and gasps as he realizes what it is.) You
 ate my candy bar!
 [Scene: Rachel's bedroom, she's pacing as Ross knocks on her door and opens
 it a little to stick his hands in.]
 Ross: Guess who? (Enters fully.)
 Rachel: Hey.
 Ross: Hey, I just realized we kinda left some stuff up in the air
 Rachel: What do you think Monica meant when she said she didn't want to
 talk, especially with me? I mean, why not especially you and me? We were both out there
 kissing.


Ross: Still thinking about it huh?
 Rachel: Come on! Serious-ser-ser-seriously, what did she mean by that?
 (Mimicking Monica.) Especially you!
 Ross: (loosening his tie) Oh, who cares?
 Rachel: I care!
 Ross: (tightening his tie) And so do I.
 Rachel: Y'know what, I-I have to go talk to her, would you let me just get
 changed?
 Ross: Okay. Sure. (Sits down on her bed.)
 Rachel: Am I going to let you watch me undress?
 Ross: (sitting up) No! (Exits.)
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, they are both getting undressed.]
 Monica: I can't believe her, y'know it's just it's so
 typical.
 Chandler: Now Monica, I know you're upset, but don't forget. There is
 going to be a wedding, you are going to throw the bouquet, and then there's
 going to be a honeymoon, maybe in Paris.
 Monica: Paris?
 Chandler: We will take a moonlit walk on the Rue de la (mumbles something).
 Monica: Keep talking.
 Chandler: Then we will sprinkle rose pedals on the bed and make love. Not just
 because it's romantic, but because I can!
 Monica: I love you!
 (They start making out and both start to feel something growing below the belt line.)
 Monica: (in a French accent) Bonjour, monsieur.
 Chandler: Okay, don't say anything, you might scare it away.
 (There is a knock on the door.)
 Chandler: It's Paris, who knows we're here!
 Monica: (opening the door) Hi Pheebs, what's up? (She enters.)
 Phoebe: Okay, you said I could sing at your wedding so, I'm just gonna need
 a small deposit.
 Monica: What?!
 Phoebe: Y'know, just some good faith money to hold the date.
 Chandler: Pheebs, we're not giving you a deposit for our wedding!
 Phoebe: Oh, I see. (Exits angrily.)
 [Cut to the living room, Joey is eating a sandwich.)
 Joey: They break your heart, don't they?
 Phoebe: Y'know, I don't really need their permission.
 Joey: Yeah! If you wanna sing at their wedding, well you sing at their wedding!
 Phoebe: Yeah! And if you wanna look 19, then you  You gotta do something
 about your eyes.
 Joey: What?! What's wrong with my eyes.
 Phoebe: They give you away! There's just-there's just too much wisdom
 in there. (Joey nods in agreement.) Just put some tea bags on there for like 15 minutes.
 Joey: And that'll get rid of my wisdom?
 Phoebe: Maybe just 10 minutes for you.
 [Cut back to Monica and Chandler's room, they are making out again as there's
 another knock on the door.]
 Chandler: Oh, give her the deposit! Give her the ring! I don't care!
 (Monica opens the door to Ross and Rachel.)
 Monica: Yes.
 Rachel: Monica, what did you mean before when you said you didn't want to
 talk to anyone, especially me?
 Chandler: What a great apology! (To Monica) And you accept! Okay, bye-bye!
 Rachel: No-no, seriously-seriously, what was the especially me part about?
 Monica: Well, let's just say it's not the first time you've
 stolen my thunder.
 Rachel: What?!
 Ross: (To Rachel) Hey, here's a thought.
 (Rachel ignores him and follows Monica into the kitchen.)
 Rachel: Monica, what are you talking about?
 Monica: My Sweet Sixteen! Remember, you went to third base with my cousin
 Charlie.
 Chandler: (entering) Ahh, third base.
 Monica: It's all everybody at the party could talk about!
 Rachel: Monica, y'know what? The only reason I did that was because your
 party was so boring!
 Monica: (gasps) We had a caricaturist!
 Rachel: Oh!!
 Phoebe: (singing, angrily)
 'Whenever I get married, guess who won't get to sing?
     Somebody named Geller! And somebody else named Bing!'
 (Exits.)
 Rachel: Monica, your Sweet Sixteen was like a million years ago.
 Monica: And yet, here we are doing it again.
 Rachel: Ugh, Monica I don't want to steal your stupid thunder!
 Monica: Oh please! Why else would you have made out with Ross?!
 Ross: Got me. (He shows of his hands.)
 Rachel: All right, easy mimey, the moment has passed, it ain't gonna
 happen!
 Monica: I just thought it would be nice if I could have just this one night!
 Rachel: I swear, I never wanted any part of your night!
 Monica: Oh, is that why you did it in the secret hallway where nobody ever goes?!
 Ross: Uh, Rachel, I've been thinking. I don't think us getting
 together tonight is such a good idea. I'm calling it off.
 Chandler: (To Ross) Why to save your dignity my man.
 Rachel: (ignoring them) Monica, why? Why would I ever want to take away from
 your night?
 Monica: I don't know! I don't maybe you're feeling a little
 resentful. Maybe ah, maybe you thought you'd get married first! Maybe you can't
 stand the fact that your formerly fat friend is getting married before you!
 Rachel: Oh wow. That y'know what? That is so unfair. Y'know what?
 Now I want to steal your thunder! Come on Ross, let's go have sex!
 (Ross tries to dismiss it by making that sound, but decides to go for it and follows
 Rachel.)


 The One With Rachel's Book
 The One With Rachel's Book
 Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, everyone is there having breakfast and Joey
 enters carrying a loaf of bread.]
 Joey: Hey!
 Ross: Hi!
 Joey: Who wants French toast?
 Ross: Oh, I'll have some!
 Joey: Good, me too. (Tosses him the loaf.) Eggs and milk are in the fridge.
 Thanks.
 Monica: (entering from her room) Oww!
 Chandler: What's the matter honey?
 Monica: I don't know, my hand feels weird. I guess it's because,
 I'm engaged! (Shows off the ring.) How long before it starts getting annoying?
 Phoebe: It starts?
 Rachel: Yeah, so let's get started on the wedding plans!
 Monica: Okay! (Runs off.)
 Chandler: (incredulous) Already?!
 Rachel: Yeah, we got a lot to do! We gotta think about the flowers, the
 caterers, the music
 Chandler: Oh, I got some thoughts on that.
 Rachel: Oh wait Chandler, too many cooks
 Ross: Take it from me, as the groom all you have to do is show up and try to say
 the right name.
 Monica: (returning) Okay! (Sets down a huge 3' 3-ring binder on the table.)
 Chandler: What in God's name is that?!
 Ross: Oh my God, the wedding book?! I haven't seen that since the forth
 grade!
 Monica: This baby has got everything. Take y'know, locations for instance.
 (She opens up the binder to the locations chapter.) First, organized alphabetically, then
 geographically, then by square footage.
 Phoebe: That is so smart! (To Chandler, under her breath) Break it off. Break it
 off now.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: A Classroom, Ross is giving a lecture.]
 Ross: And that should conclusively prove that I had the idea for Jurassic
 Park first! Now let's take a look at  (Phoebe rushes in.)
 Phoebe: Hey! Ross!
 Ross: Phoebe, oh my God! Wh-wh-what are you doing here?
 Phoebe: I need to talk to you, it's pretty urgent. It's about Monica
 and Chandler.
 Ross: Oh my God! Of course, of course. (To the class.) Umm, would you please
 excuse me for a moment? Umm, do you know each other's hometowns? Why don't
 you  (Motions that they should learn everyone's hometown.) (To Phoebe)
 Wh-what's going on?
 Phoebe: Well, umm, not much. But, I was just thinking that since those guys just
 got engaged that maybe it would be nice if they had some privacy, y'know? So, could I
 just move in with you for a couple days?
 Ross: Umm, okay, yeah, sure. But wh-what's wrong with Monica and Chandler?
 Phoebe: Nothing Why?!
 Ross: Phoebe, you said it was urgent!
 Phoebe: Oh yeah it is! I'm going to the movies and it starts in like five
 minutes.
 Ross: Do you realize I have a classroom full of students?
 Phoebe: (to the students) Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so rude. Does anyone want
 to come to the movies?
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Rachel and Monica are pretty much telling
 Chandler what the wedding plans are.]
 Monica: All right, so I haven't cleared the budget with my parents yet, but
 tell me how this is for music.
 Rachel: Okay.
 Monica: All right umm, a string quartet for the procession.
 Rachel: Aw.
 Monica: A jazz trio for cocktails. The Bay City Rollers for dancing.
 Wait, that was from my sixth grade wedding.
 Chandler: Well, you couldn't get them anyway. Ian doesn't
 play anymore
 and Derrick  (Off of Rachel and Monica's looks) And Derrick is a name I
 shouldn't know.
 Joey: (sitting up from the couch) Hey Mon, do you have another pillow? (Holds up
 one.) Y'know, something a little snugglyer?
 Chandler: Why are you napping over here instead of over at your place?
 Joey: Well, the duck
 Rachel: What?! The duck?! What the hell did the damn duck do now?!
 Joey: Uh, well he did not get sick somewhere in there and it was
 immediately found and properly cleaned up!
 Chandler: Now, do I get to look at this book or is it just for people who are
 actually involved in the wedding?
 Monica: Of course you can look at it! Yeah, I want your opinion too!
 Chandler: Okay.
 Monica: Here you go! What do you think about centerpieces?
 Chandler: Centerpieces!
 Monica: Yeah! Roses or Lilies? (Holds up a picture of each.)
 Chandler: Definitely roses. (Monica and Rachel exchange a look.) Well, I just
 think they're a little more weddingy. (Monica holds the Lily picture closer to him.)
 But Lilies are the clear choice.
 Monica: Oh my God! It's like one mind.
 Chandler: Uh-huh!
 Joey: (sitting up again) Guys! Guys!! You gotta let me nap! Ugh, I'm
 gonna get cranky!
 Rachel: Joey, there is a perfectly good couch across the hall!
 Joey: Yes it is perfectly good, and it is not one of the places the duck
 got sick!
 Rachel: What?!
 Joey: All right, I'm gonna go! (Gets up and heads for the door.)


Rachel: Now Joey, what did the duck do?!
 Joey: I don't know! But he did not eat your face cream!
 [Cut to Joey and Rachel's, Joey enters and heads for his bedroom. He pushes open
 the door to find the duck.]
 Joey: Hey little buddy, how are you feeling? (The duck does not get sick
 and Joey recoils in horror and heads for the couch.) What the hell is in that face cream?
 (He's about to try out the couch but notices the bed in Rachel's room. He walks
 into her room and feels the bed.) That's so soft. (He pulls back the comforter.)
 Pillowcases! (He climbs in and groans in delight. Suddenly, he feels something under him
 and pulls out a little beat up paperback book. He opens it and starts to read from it.)
 (In his head.) Zelda looked at the chimney sweep. Her father, the vicar (Stops
 reading and thinks.) The vicar? (Continues reading)  wouldn't be home
 for hours. Her loins were burning. She threw caution to the wind and reached out and
 grabbed his (Out loud.) Whoa! (Reads on in silence.) Whoa-ho-ho-ho! This is a
 dirty book! (Continues to read.)
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, Phoebe has moved in and has a massage client on
 the table she's set up in the living room. Ross enters and is shocked to see a naked man
 lying on the table.]
 Ross: Uh, Phoebe
 Phoebe: Oh Ross, hi.
 Ross: Phoebe, what are you doing?
 Phoebe: I'm sorry, I'm with a client right now.
 Ross: Phoebe!
 Phoebe: Okay, let's talk outside.
 (They go into the hall.)
 Ross: Phoebe, you can't massage people in my apartment!
 Phoebe: What's the big deal? I did it at Monica and Chandler's!
 Ross: And they knew about it?
 Phoebe: (pause as she considers it) Okay, well Ross, what is this really about?
 Ross: Look, this is my home and I want to be able to come and go whenever I
 want!
 Phoebe: Okay, I will find someplace else to do the rest of my appointments. I
 just don't know what the big deal is!
 Ross: The big deal is I don't want naked, greasy strangers in my apartment
 when I want to kick back with a puzzle beer! Cold beer.
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sweeping up as Rachel enters.]
 Rachel: Hey Joey, what  cha doing?
 Joey: Sweepin'. Why? Turn you on?
 Rachel: No.
 Joey: Huh. What if I was sweeping a chimney?
 Rachel: Joey, did you  eat my face cream?
 (She walks into her bedroom.)
 Joey: Where are you going? The vicar won't be home for hours.
 (She comes back out.)
 Rachel: Joey, (nervously) where did you learn that word?
 Joey: Where do you think, (pause) Zelda?
 Rachel: (gasps) You found my book?!
 Joey: Yeah I did!
 Rachel: Joey, what-what are you doing going into my bedroom?!
 Joey: Okay, look I'm sorry, I went in there to take a nap and I know I
 shouldn't have, but you got porn!
 Rachel: Hey-hey, y'know what? I don't care! I'm not ashamed of my
 book. There's nothing wrong with a woman enjoying a little erotica. It's just a
 healthy expression of female sexuality, which by the way, you will never understand. (She
 goes into her room.)
 Joey: You got porn!
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is coming out of the living room carrying his salad and
 a puzzle beer! Cold beer. And he decides to fold up Phoebe's massage table, but
 being Ross has trouble with it as there is a knock on the door. He sets the table back up
 and opens the door to reveal a beautiful woman.]
 Ross: Hello.
 Woman: Hi, is uh Phoebe here?
 Ross: Uh no-no, she-she's out for the night.
 Woman: Ohh great.
 Ross: Can I, can I help you with something?
 Woman: Well, I don't know. Are you a masseur?
 Ross: (deadpan) Yes I am.
 Woman: Great! (Calls down the hall) Dad! (Her old father walks in.) Thank you so
 much, I'll be back to pick him up in an hour. (She walks away.)
 (Ross isn't happy and closes the door slowly.)
 [Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are having dinner with her parents.]
 Mrs. Geller: So Chandler, your parents must've been thrilled when
 you told them you were engaged.
 Chandler: Oh yeah, I should probably call them.
 Mr. Geller: I remember when we first got engaged.
 Chandler: Oh, I don't think I ever heard that story.
 Monica: Oh dad, really you don't need to
 Mr. Geller: (ignoring her) Well, I'd gotten Judy pregnant. I still
 don't know how that happened.
 Mrs. Geller: (incredulous) You don't know how that happened?! Your dog
 thought my diaphragm was a chew toy!
 Chandler: What a sweet story.
 Monica: Well, at least you're not hearing it for the first time at your
 fifth grade Halloween party.
 Mr. Geller: What?! They wanted a scary story!
 Monica: Anyway, we're really excited about our wedding plans, and well I
 guess pretty soon we'll be making a big withdrawal from the Monica wedding fund.
 (She and Chandler laugh, but her parents don't.) What?
 Mrs. Geller: You tell her Jack, I can't do it.


Monica: What happened? You still have the Monica wedding fund don't you?
 Mr. Geller: We have it. Only now, we call it the beach house.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: A Restaurant, scene continued from before the break.]
 Monica: I don't believe you spent my wedding fund on the beach house!
 Mrs. Geller: We're sorry honey, but we just assumed if you got married
 after you turned 30 you'd pay for it yourself.
 Monica: You bought the beach house when I was 23!
 Mr. Geller: Which means you had seven years of beach fun and you can't put
 a price on that sweetie.
 Mrs. Geller: We really do feel bad about this though.
 Mr. Geller: We started saving again when you were dating Richard and then that
 went to hell, so we redid the kitchen.
 Monica: What about when I started dating Chandler?
 Mrs. Geller: Well it was Chandler! We didn't think he'd ever
 propose!
 Chandler: Clearly I did not start drinking enough at the start of the meal.
 (Starts to make up for lost time and takes a big swig of his drink.)
 Monica: I can't believe it! That there is no money for my wedding?!
 Mrs. Geller: We might still have some money, if your father didn't
 think it was a good idea to sell ice over the Internet.
 Mr. Geller: It seemed like such a simple idea.
 Mrs. Geller: Stupid Jack, the word is stupid.
 Mr. Geller: All right, enough! I don't want to hear about it anymore!
 (Under his breath) Good luck, Chandler. (Chandler takes another drink.)
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, his massage client is on the table and Ross is reluctantly
 starting his massage. He spreads some lotion in his hands, and doesn't like it.]
 Ross: Okay! Now, I'm going to touch you. (He does so, very gingerly.) Ohh,
 that's soft. (He starts poking him and notices his salad spoons and starts to massage
 him with those.)
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Chandler are returning from dinner,
 Rachel is already there.]
 Monica: I can't believe this. Do you think that your parents could help pay
 for it?
 Chandler: I don't know, my mother spent most of her money on her fourth
 wedding. She's saving the rest for her divorce. And any extra cash my father has he
 saves for his yearly trips to (Pause) Dollywood.
 Rachel: Well what happened at dinner?
 Monica: My parents spent the money for our wedding!
 Phoebe: (gasps) My God! What did you order?!
 Rachel: Wait, but there's no money! Well this is terrible! You guys are
 gonna have to get married in like a, rec. center!
 Chandler: Honey, it's gonna be okay.
 Monica: No! No it's not! It's not gonna be okay! It sucks! No swing
 band! No lilies!
 Rachel: No, y'know what? It's gonna be okay. I mean you don't
 have to have this rustic Italian feast. Y'know? And-and you don't need, you
 don't need this custom-made, empire-waisted, duchess, satin gown; you can wear off
 the rack. (She starts to cry, as does Monica.)
 Chandler: Look, it really is gonna be okay. The important thing is that we love
 each other and that we're gonna get married.
 Rachel: Do you even understand what off the rack means?!
 Phoebe: Look, why don't you just pay for it yourself?
 Monica: How? I don't have any money.
 Chandler: Well, I have some.
 Monica: How much?
 Chandler: Well, close to  (Notices Rachel leaning in to hear and decides to
 write it on a piece of paper and hand it to Monica as Phoebe averts her eyes.)
 Monica: Whoa!!! Are you kidding me?!
 Rachel: Well what?! How-how much is it?!
 Monica: It's enough for wedding scenario eight.
 Rachel: Ohh! (Whispers.) Really?!
 Monica: (To Chandler) How great are you, you little saver?! I mean, the-the
 amount you have is exactly the budget of my dream wedding!
 Rachel: (starting to cry) Ohh, you guys are so made for each other.
 Chandler: Well, you're not suggesting that we spend all of the money on the
 wedding?
 Rachel and Monica: Ah, yeah!
 Chandler: Well, come on, I've been saving this money for six years and I
 kinda had some of it earmarked for the future, not just for a party.
 Phoebe: (reading the slip of paper) Wow! (In a sultry voice) Hello, Mr.
 Chandler.
 Monica: This is the most special day of our lives.
 Chandler: No, I realize that honey, but I'm not gonna spend all of the
 money on one party.
 Monica: Honey, umm I-I love you, (laughs) but umm, if you call our wedding a
 party one more time, you may not get invited. Okay? (Laughs) Listen, we could always
 earn more money, okay? But uh, we're only gonna get married once.
 Chandler: Look, I understand, but I have to put my foot down. Okay? The answer
 is no.
 Monica: You-you're gonna have to put your foot down?
 Chandler: Yes, I am!
 Phoebe: Wow, money and a firm hand. Finally a Chandler I can get on board with.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are there as Rachel enters and sees Joey sitting
 there.]


Joey: Hey Rach.
 Rachel: (quietly) Joey.
 Joey: Hey Rach, do you smell smoke?
 Rachel: Uh-huh, I get it, smoke, chimney, chimney sweep, very funny, ha-ha.
 Joey: No-no-no, I'm serious. You don't smell it? Something's on
 fire.
 Rachel: Well no, I don't smell anything.
 Joey: Oh, y'know what? It's probably just your burnin' loins.
 Ross: (sitting down) Hey, what are you guys, what are you guys talking about?
 Rachel: Nothing!
 Ross: (takes a drink) Damn, this coffee's cold! Hey Rach, do you mind if I
 heat this up on your loins? (Joey and he both laugh.)
 Rachel: Y'know, I can not believe you told him, Joey!
 Ross: So I guess you bought that book after we broke up huh?
 Rachel: Uh-huh, yeah I did, because I wore out my first copy when I was with
 you. (Exits.)
 Ross: (chases her) Oh yeah, yeah? Well uh, when we were going out, I read tons
 of porno magazines! (Realizes a table of women overheard him.) (To that table.)  Sup?
 Phoebe: (entering) Ross! How could you do that to an old man?!
 Ross: (looking at the table) Excuse me ladies. (To Phoebe) I'm sorry?
 Phoebe: My massage client, Arthur? His daughter called and said that some guy
 that worked for me gave him a really weird massage this afternoon.
 Ross: (incredulous) I gave him an extremely professional massage!
 Phoebe: He said you poked at him with wooden spoons.
 Ross: Okay, so it wasn't uh, a traditional massage. But I did give him
 acu-pressure with a pair of chopsticks. And, and I gently exfoliated him with, with a
 mop.
 Phoebe: Well, he's never coming back! Okay? You just cost me eight dollars
 a week!
 Ross: Hey, y'know what? This is your fault! You're the one that
 didn't move his-his appointment.
 Phoebe: Oh, it's my fault?! You didn't have to massage him! You
 could've sent him away! You could've not rolled Tonka trucks up and down
 his back!
 Ross: He said he liked that!! Oh you're right, you're right. I'm
 sorry.
 Joey: Dude, what are you massaging an old man for?
 Ross: His daughter was hot.
 Joey: Gotcha.
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is looking at the wedding book as
 Monica enters.]
 Monica: Hey.
 Chandler: Hey.
 Monica: Listen umm, I've been thinking, it's not fair for me to ask
 you to spend all of your money on our wedding. I mean, you work, you work really hard for
 that.
 Chandler: Ehh.
 Monica: Eh, you work for that.
 Chandler: Look, I thought about it too, and I'm sorry. I think we should
 spend all of the money on the wedding.
 Monica: You do?!
 Chandler: Yeah, I'm putting my foot down. Yeah look, when I proposed I told
 you that I would do anything to make you happy, and if having the perfect wedding makes
 you happy then, then that's what we're gonna do.
 Monica: Oh, you're so sweet. (They hug and kiss.) Oh, but wait, what about
 our, what about the future and stuff?
 Chandler: Eh, forget about the future and stuff! So we only have two kids,
 y'know? We'll pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college.
 Monica: You thought about that?
 Chandler: Yeah.
 Monica: How many kids were we gonna have?
 Chandler: Uh, four, a boy, twin girls and another boy.
 Monica: What else did you think about?
 Chandler: Well, stuff like where'd we live, y'know? Like a small place
 outside the city, where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff. Y'know,
 we could have a cat that had a bell on its collar and we could hear it every time it
 ran through the little kitty door. Of course, we'd have an apartment over the garage
 where Joey could grow old.
 Monica: (laughs) Y'know what? I-I don't want a big, fancy wedding.
 Chandler: Sure you do.
 Monica: No, I want everything you just said. I want a marriage.
 Chandler: You sure?
 Monica: Uh-hmm.
 Chandler: I love you so much.
 Monica: I love you. (They kiss.) Hey listen umm, when, when you were
 talkin' about our future you said cat, but you meant dog right.
 Chandler: Oh yeah, totally!
 Monica: Oh good.
 Ending Credits
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is balancing her checkbook as Joey enters from his
 room wearing a hockey helmet, gloves, and shin guards.]
 Joey: Hello, Zelda.
 Rachel: Who are you supposed to be?
 Joey: The vicar!
 Rachel: Do you even know what a vicar is?
 Joey: Like a goalie, right?
 Rachel: (sarcastically) Yeah. Look Joey, it's enough alright?! You keep
 making these stupid jokes and this sleazy innuendoes and it's I'm
 not it's just not funny anymore!
 Joey: All right, I'm sorry. Rach I Rach I'm sorry. Okay? I'm
 sorry! Maybe I can make up for it by, taking you roughly in the barn. (Giggles.)
 Rachel: All right! Y'know what? That's it! You wanna do it?!
 Let's do it!


 The One With Phoebe's Cookies
 The One With Phoebe's Cookies
 Written by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, Ross, and Monica are all there as Chandler
 enters wearing glasses.]
 Chandler: Hey, you guys!
 Ross and Rachel: Hey!
 Chandler: So, what do you think?
 Ross: About what?
 Rachel: Yeah, what?
 Joey: What?
 Chandler: Are you kidding? Okay, I'll give you a hint; I'll give you a
 hint. (Points to his glasses.)
 Joey: Eyes! No, no. Your eyes! No. Chandler's eyes!
 Chandler: I got glasses!
 Ross: Well, you-you've always had glasses.
 Chandler: No I didn't!
 Ross: Are you sure?
 Rachel: Yeah-yeah, did-didn't you use to have a pair? They were really
 round, burgundy, and they made you look kind of umm
 Joey: Feminine.
 Rachel: Yes!
 Chandler: No!
 Monica: Sweetie, I think the glasses look great. They make you look really sexy.
 Chandler: Really?
 Monica: Yeah!
 Chandler: (sitting down on the arm of her chair) You didn't think I used to
 wear glasses, right?
 Monica: Of course! (She mouths, 'I have no idea,' to the rest of the
 gang.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica are making
 some sandwiches.]
 Phoebe: So what do you guys want for an engagement present?
 Chandler: That's okay Pheebs, we're not having a party or anything, so
 you don't have to get us
 Monica: (interrupts him) If someone wants to give us a present, we don't
 want to deprive them of that joy.
 Rachel: Oh, y'know what you should get  em? One of those little uh,
 portable CD players.
 Monica: Oh, I already have one.
 Phoebe: Not unless someone borrowed it and left it at the gynecologist.
 Rachel: Yeah, and-and-and by someone, she means Joey.
 Monica: Hey, I know what I want!
 Chandler: What we want honey.
 Monica: No, you don't want this. I want to have your grandmother's
 cookie recipe.
 Phoebe: You mean the chocolate chip cookie recipe?
 Monica: Uh-huh, yeah.
 Phoebe: You mean the one that my grandmother made me swear on her deathbed that
 I would never let out of our family?
 Chandler: Dying people say the craziest things.
 Monica: I wanted it for years! I was gonna make cookies for my children.
 Phoebe: Break my heart Oh, all right.
 Monica: Okay. I'm gonna be the mom that makes the world's best
 chocolate chip cookies.
 Chandler: Our kids are gonna be fat aren't they.
 Joey: (entering) Ahoy!
 Chandler: Hey! How's the boat?!
 Joey: Great! I'm finally getting into this sailing stuff.
 Monica: Oh, so you finally took it out of the marina huh?
 Joey: Why would I do that? It took three guys to get the thing in there!
 Phoebe: If you don't sail your boat, what do you do on it?
 Joey: Oh, it's great! It's a great place to just kinda, sit, hang
 around, drink a few beers, eat some chips. (He says that as he sits, hangs around, drinks
 a beer, and eats a chip.)
 Chandler: Well, it's good that you finally have a place to do that.
 Rachel: Y'know Joey, I could teach you to sail if you want.
 Joey: You could?
 Rachel: Yeah! I've been sailing my whole life. When I was fifteen my dad
 bought me my own boat.
 Phoebe: Your own boat?
 Rachel: What?! What?! He was trying to cheer me up! My pony was sick.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are there. He takes off his glasses and
 starts chewing on the ear piece.]
 Chandler: Do you know what I was thinkin'?
 Monica: What?
 Chandler: Nothing, I just like to go like this. (Does it again.)
 Ross: (entering from the bathrooms) Hey Chandler, what are you doing tonight?
 Chandler: Uh why, do you have a lecture?
 Ross: No, why?
 Chandler: Then free as a bird. What's up?
 Ross: My dad wanted to know if you wanted to play racquetball with us.
 Monica: Wow! That's great! Dad must really like you, he doesn't ask
 just anyone to play.
 Ross: Yeah and he didn't really ask for you, he asked for Chancy, I assumed
 he meant you.
 Chandler: Well, did-did you correct him?
 Ross: No, I-I thought it would be more fun this way.
 Monica: This is so cool, maybe this is something you can do every week.
 Ross: Or you can sit with him on the front porch and make sure no one steals the
 trash cans. He does that every week too.
 Monica: Oh, just so you know, you-you have to let him win.
 Ross: Yeah.
 Monica: He hates to lose.
 Chandler: Oh no problem, maybe I'll play with my left hand.
 Ross: You're not a lefty?
 Chandler: Does anybody know me?!
 (Phoebe enters, walks up to Monica, and exhales exasperatedly.)
 Monica: What's wrong Phoebe?
 Phoebe: I just went to my old apartment to get you the-the cookie recipe and the
 stupid fire burned it up!


Monica: No!! Why didn't you make a copy and-and keep it in a fireproof box
 and keep it at least a hundred yards from the original?!!
 Phoebe: (pauses as he figures out how to answer that) Because I'm normal!
 That was the one legacy my grandmother left me, and I know you wanted it as an
 engagement present.
 Ross: Oh, we have to get you an engagement present?
 Chandler: Don't worry about it Pheebs.
 Ross: No one got me an engagement present.
 Phoebe: Okay, here I wish you health and happiness. (She hands Monica a cookie
 in a plastic baggie.)
 Chandler: An old cookie?
 Monica: (To Chandler) This is what happens when you don't register for
 gifts!
 Phoebe: See no-no, I made a batch and I froze it, and this is the only one left.
 Chandler: We can't accept this.
 Phoebe: Why not?
 Chandler:  Cause it's gross.
 Monica: No! Wait! I think I can figure out the recipe from this cookie! I do
 stuff like this at work all the time.
 Phoebe: Really?!
 Monica: Yeah! I bet I can do it.
 (Chandler looks over and sees Ross glaring at them.)
 Chandler: Okay, we owe you a present.
 Ross: Two! I've been engaged twice!
 [Scene: The Mr. Bowmont (Joey's boat), she's shown to be in one of the
 waterways around New York, but in reality she's in a sound stage on the Warner Bros.
 lot and we see New York from the water in some rather poor green screen shots. Rachel and
 Joey are on board.]
 Joey: (drinking a beer) Look at this clown! Just because he's got a bigger
 boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. (Yelling) Get out of the way jackass! (To
 Rachel) Who names his boat Coast Guard anyway?
 Rachel: That is the Coast Guard.
 Joey: What are they doing out here? The coast's all the way over there.
 (Points to the coast, meanwhile there is coast behind him.)
 Rachel: Joey, just ignore the boats all right? We're not finished with the
 lesson yet.
 Joey: All right.
 Rachel: Okay, I'm just gonna go over the basic points just one more time,
 are you ready?
 Joey: Come on Rach, not again. I got it! Okay? Let's start sailing, and I
 want to go over there (Points) where that boatload of girls is! (Yelling to them)
 Yo-ho-ho!
 Rachel: Oh, okay. Is that what you want to do? You wanna go over and give a
 little shout out to the old, hot chickas? Okay, let's do that Sailor Joe. Quick
 question though, (grabs some of the rigging) what's this called?
 Joey: Uh, boat rope.
 Rachel: Wrong! How do you get the mainsail up?
 Joey:  Uh, rub it?
 Rachel: No. What do you do if I say we are coming about?
 Joey: I'd say, come again. No-no, wait I-I-I know this one, I know this
 one, uh
 (Rachel blasts an air horn in his ear.)
 Rachel: Time's up, now you're dead.
 Joey: And deaf!
 Rachel: Okay, you just go on and make your little jokey-jokes, but if you do not
 know what you are doing out at sea you will die at sea. Am I getting through to you
 sailor?! (She punctuates each word by slapping him on the forehead.)
 Joey: Yes.
 Rachel: Don't just say yes! This isn't a game, Joey, you can really get
 hurt out here. Okay, so do you want to pay attention or do you want to die?!
 Joey: I want to make a ship to shore call to Chandler.
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Phoebe are trying to determine the
 cookie recipe by eating small pieces.]
 Monica: All right, I definitely taste nutmeg.
 Phoebe: You do?
 Monica: You don't? (Laughs) Well, that's the difference between a
 professional and a layman.
 Phoebe: That and arrogance.
 Joey: (entering) Hey.
 Monica: Hey! How was sailing?
 Joey: I don't want to talk about it. Y'know, you could've at
 least saved me a whole cookie. (He grabs what's left of the cookie and pops in his
 mouth.)
 Monica and Phoebe: No-wait-no-no!!!!!!!
 Joey: (recoils in horror) Women are mean!!! (Storms out.)
 Phoebe: I can't believe that! Now the only thing left of my
 grandmother's legacy is this crumb. (She picks it up with her finger and holds it out
 to Monica.) I wish you a long and happy marriage.
 Ross: (entering with Chandler) Hey.
 Monica: Hey! How was it?
 Ross: Well I had a great time! Umm, Chancy on the other hand
 Chandler: I will tell the story! It was going great. I let him win. We
 were bonding. He even said I could call him dad.
 Ross: And what did he ask you not to call him?
 Chandler: Daddy. All right look, here's the story. (Flashback to Chandler
 about to enter the steam room as he does the voice-over.) Well, we had just finished
 playing racquetball and we were gonna take a steam. I walk into the steam room and it was
 really steamy. (The flashback shows his glasses fog up and him trying to find his way
 around the steam-filled room. He takes off his glasses.) So I take off my glasses and
 that's when it happened.
 [Cut to the flashback, Chandler's no longer doing the voice-over.]


Chandler: Guys?
 Ross: Over here. (You can see Ross sitting at the far wall.)
 Mr. Geller: Have a seat son. (You can see Mr. Geller sitting closer to the door
 as Chandler walks over and sits in his lap.) Hey!! (Chandler quickly jumps off and sits
 next to him with a shocked expression on his face.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is finished telling everyone what
 happened.]
 Monica: Oh my God Chandler! I can't believe it!
 Chandler: I know.
 Monica: You gave my father a lap dance!
 Chandler: Why do they put so much steam in there?!
 Ross:  Cause otherwise they'd have to call it the room room.
 Chandler: Why? Okay? Why? Wh-wh-why did that have to happen?
 Phoebe: Come on, it's not that big a deal!
 Chandler: Not that big a deal? There there was touching of things.
 Ross: Now, I know you wanted to bond with my dad, but did you really have to
 bond to that part?
 Monica: Listen, I'm sure that dad doesn't care. He probably thought
 this was funny; he'll be telling this story for years!
 Chandler: I don't want him to tell this story for years.
 Ross: Oh, but he will. He still tells the story how Monica tried to escape from
 fat camp.
 Monica: I wasn't escaping.
 Ross: Then how did you get caught in the barbed wire?
 Monica: I was trying to help out a squirrel.
 Ross: You were trying to eat it!
 (The phone rings.)
 Chandler: If that is your father calling to tell this story then the
 marriage is off!
 Monica: (takes the phone from Ross) Come on. (Answering phone) Hello? (Listens)
 I'm sorry you have the wrong number. (Listens) (Whispering) Okay, I'll call you
 later dad. I love you. (Hangs up.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Ross, and Rachel are there.]
 Chandler: (getting up) All right, I'm off to see your dad.
 Ross: Whoa-whoa, aren't you a little over dressed?
 Rachel: (laughing) Yeah, and-and you better make sure he tips you this time.
 Chandler: Look, I figured I would try to convince him not to tell the story
 anymore, and I figure the best way to do that is face to face And by face I
 don't mean his lap. And by face, I don't mean my ass. (Exits.)
 Ross: (To Rachel) Hey are you getting Monica and Chandler an engagement present?
 Rachel: I don't know. Y'know, they didn't get us anything.
 Ross: Thank you!
 Joey: (entering) Hey.
 Ross: Hey.
 Rachel: Well hello! So, when are we gettin' back out on the water matey?
 Joey: Oh uh, I don't know the boat way to say this, but uh never!
 Rachel: Why not?
 Joey: Because! You're mean on the boat!
 Rachel: What? I was just trying to teach you.
 Joey: Well, lesson learned! Rachel is mean!
 Ross: Yeeeeeep  Yep-yep-yep-yep-yep. I remember when she took me out on her
 dad's boat she wouldn't let me help at all.
 Rachel: Excuse me, I wanted you to help, but you couldn't move your arms
 because you were wearing three life jackets.
 Ross: You have to respect the sea! (Storms off.)
 Rachel: Look Joey, I'm sorry if-if you thought that was mean, but I gotta
 tell ya something. That was not mean. Okay, my father is mean. He used to yell at me all
 the time on the boat, I mean it was horrible. I was just being a good teacher.
 Joey: Does a good teacher say, 'Put down the beer pinhead!?'
 Rachel: Well, does a good student drink seven beers during his first lesson?
 Joey: Six and a half! You knocked that last one out of my hand! Remember?
 Rachel: Yeah, I didn't want you to get hit by the boom!
 Joey: Well it hit me anyway! And it would've hurt a lot less if I had
 finished that last beer.
 Rachel: All right, y'know what? I-I'm sorry. I will try to tone it
 down and uh stop yelling.
 Joey: You won't boss me around anymore?
 Rachel: I won't boss you around.
 Joey: And you'll be nice?
 Rachel: And, I'll be nice.
 Joey: And you'll be topless?
 Rachel: And Joey!
 Joey: Do you want me to learn?!
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is trying out different cookie recipes.
 Ross and Phoebe are the tasting group.]
 Monica: Okay, here's batch 22. Oh, maybe these'll taste a little like
 your grandmother's. This has a little bit of orange peel, but no nutmeg.
 Ross: Let's give it a shot.
 Monica: Okay. Man, I have not made this many cookies since I was in the
 ninth grade.
 Phoebe: Oh, what was that for? Like a bake sale?
 Monica: No, just a Friday night.
 (They all take a bite.)
 Ross:  Oh, these are pretty good.
 Phoebe: Yeah, but not as good as batch 17.
 Ross: Which one was that?
 Monica: The ones we had right after you almost threw up.


Ross: Oh yeah! Batch 17 was good. I did not like batch 16. (Burps a
 little bit.) I'm okay.
 Phoebe: Are there any more from the good batch?  Cause we could just work
 off of those.
 Ross: Yeah, ooh yeah, I think there is one from batch 17 left, uh  (Grabs a
 cookie and takes a big bite out of it and doesn't like it.) It's batch 16! 16
 people! Get out of the way! (Gets up and runs for the bathroom.)
 [Scene: The Mr. Bowmont, it's Joey's second lesson with Rachel as the resident
 sailing expert.]
 Rachel: Okay Joey honey, you're doing really good! All right, now I'm
 just gonna need you to step to the port side. (Joey pauses as he tries to remember which
 side is the port side.) Remember? Remember how we talked about the port side?
 Joey:  Oh yeah.
 Rachel: Right?
 Joey: Nope.
 Rachel: It's left sweetie, but that's okay sweetie, that's a
 tough one.
 Joey: I don't know why you just don't say left.
 Rachel: Okay, go to the left. (Joey goes starboard or sits on the right side of
 the boat.) The left!
 Joey: Huh?
 Rachel: (yelling) Just sit over there!! (Points to the port side.)
 Joey: (hurrying over) Okay! Okay, you're yelling again! See that?
 Rachel: No! No-no, no-no-no, very quiet, said with love, no yelling.
 Joey: Oh, y'know what? Since I'm here, I think I'm gonna have me
 a little beer on the port side. (Grabs and opens one.)
 Rachel: Okay Joey, we're luffing a little bit, so could you tighten up the
 cunningham? (The mainsail has started to flap in the wind and has stopped working
 efficiently; she wants him to tighten it so that it starts working again.)
 Joey: Uh, wow, you just said a bunch of stuff I didn't know there.
 Rachel: Joey, come on! We just went over this! (She does it instead.)
 Joey: Oh, y'know, when we did that was when that bird was flying overhead
 with the fish in his mouth. Did you see it? It was gross!
 Rachel: (angrily) No! All right?! I did not see the bird! I did not
 see the fish! I did not see the piece of Styrofoam that was shaped like Mike Tyson!
 I did not, because I was trying to teach you how to sail a boat! Which
 obviously is an impossible thing to do!
 Joey: All right that's it! You're yelling and I don't see you
 taking your top off! I quit!
 Rachel: What do you mean you quit?! You can't quit!
 Joey: Why not?!
 Rachel: Because you're not finished yet and I won't have it! Greens do
 not quit!
 Joey: Greens? I'm a Tribbiani! And Tribbianis quit!
 Rachel: Oh my God, wait did I I just said Greens don't quit
 didn't I? (Pause) (Angrily) Did I just say Greens don't quit?!
 Joey: Yes! Yes! You did and you're still yelling at me!
 Rachel: No! No! No! I'm not yelling at you, I'm just yelling near you.
 Oh God Joey, oh I'm my father. Oh my God, this is horrible! I've been trying so
 hard not to be my mother I did not see this comin'. Oh, Joey, I'm sorry.
 I'm so sorry. I just wanted you to learn.
 Joey: Well, hey I did learn.
 Rachel: Really?
 Joey: Yeah! Come on.
 Rachel: Awww
 Joey: Yeah, it's okay. I know what a mainsail is. (Points to it. It's
 the larger sail.) I know, I know to duck when the boom comes across. I-I know port is
 right.
 Rachel: Left.
 Joey: Damnit!
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, the cookie-trying period has passed. Monica,
 Phoebe, and Ross are reflecting on the day's events.]
 Phoebe: Y'know, I bet it would actually make my grandmother very happy to
 know that we're trying to figure out her recipe. I bet she's l-l-lookin' up
 at us and smiling right now.
 Ross: Looking up?
 Phoebe: Oh yeah No, she was really nice to me, but she's in hell for
 sure.
 Monica: Well, I've tried everything. I give up. I guess I'm not gonna
 be the mom who makes the world's best chocolate cookies. I do make the best duck
 confit with broccoli rabe. Kids love that right.
 Ross: Aww, Pheeb, come on isn't there any relative that would have the
 recipe? What about, what about your sister?
 Phoebe: Oh no-no, no, I made a promise to myself that the next time I would talk
 to Ursula would be over my dead body. And that's not happening  til October 15th,
 2032.
 Ross: That's the day you're gonna die? See darnit, I've got
 shuffleboard that day.
 Phoebe: That's what you think.
 Monica: Well, I mean what about friends of your grandmother's?
 Wouldn't they have the recipe?
 Phoebe: Well, y'know I may have relatives in France who would know. My
 grandmother said she got the recipe from her grandmother, Nesele Tolouse.
 Monica: What was her name?


 The One With Rachel's Assistant
 The One With Rachel's Assistant
 Written by: Brian Boyle
 Directed by: David Schwimmer
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, everyone is there and they are finishing
 watching the first episode of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. Joey is of course Mac.]
 Mac: (on TV) Well, if we learned one thing today C.H.E.E.S.E. is that
 cheerleaders and high explosives don't mix. (Cut to Joey laughing while Rachel,
 Chandler, and Monica aren't amused.)
 C.H.E.E.S.E: You can say that again Mac.
 Mac: Well, I couldn't have done it without you buddy. You're a genius.
 C.H.E.E.S.E: Oh yeah? Well then how come I can't get my VCR to stop
 blinking 12:00?
 (They both break into a huge laugh and do that stop-motion thing they had at the end of
 ChiPs.)
 Joey: (laughing and turning off the TV) So, what did you guys think?
 (They all make happy faces as they are unable to express their feelings verbally.
 Finally, the phone rings and the race to answer it is won by Monica.)
 Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Hold on please. Joey, it's your mom.
 (Hands him the phone.)
 Chandler: It's your mommy. It's your mommy.
 Ross: Ohhhh
 Rachel: That's nice.
 Joey: (on phone) Mom, so what did you think? (He walks away allowing the gang a
 chance to figure out what they're gonna say.)
 Rachel: Well that was umm Okay.
 Ross: It wasn't the best.
 Chandler: That was one of the worse things ever. And not just on TV.
 Monica: Wh-what are we gonna tell him?
 Ross: Well, the lighting was okay.
 Rachel: Ohh no you don't! You got lighting last time, lighting is mine!
 Monica: And I have costumes.
 Ross: Oh great! That means I'm stuck with, 'So, we were watching you
 in there (Points to the TV) and you were sittin' right here! Whoa!'
 (Phoebe gets up.)
 Rachel: What are you gonna do Pheebs?
 Phoebe: I don't know. I don't know. I can't lie to him again. Oh
 no I no! I'm just gonna press my breasts up against him.
 Chandler: And say nothing?
 Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah that's right.
 Joey: (hangs up the phone) Wow! Well, my folks really liked it! So what-what did
 you guys think? (Phoebe smiles, walks up to him, and presses her breasts against him.) It
 wasn't that good.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Monica are reading on the couch.]
 Monica: Phoebe, do you think that your favorite animal says much about you?
 Phoebe: What? You mean behind my back?
 Rachel: (entering, excitedly) Oh! Hi you guys, oh my God! You'll never
 gonna believe what happened to me today! I am sitting in my office and
 Joey: (entering from bathrooms excitedly) You guys! You guys! You're not
 gonna believe what my agent just told me!
 Rachel: Joey! Kinda in the middle of a story here!
 Joey: Ooh, sorry. Sorry. You finish, go.
 Rachel: Okay, so anyway I'm sittin' in my office and guess who walks
 in.
 Joey: I'm gonna be on two TV shows!
 Monica and Phoebe: Oh, that's great!!
 Rachel: Joey!
 Joey: Oh, you weren't finished?
 Rachel: Yeah! Guess who walks into my office is the end of my story. (To Monica
 and Phoebe) It was Ralph Lauren! (Monica and Phoebe gasp) Ralph Lauren walked into my
 office!
 Joey: Uh Rach, if you're gonna start another story, at least let me finish
 mine.
 Rachel: It's the same story.
 Joey: (groans in disgust) Wow, it's really long.
 Rachel: (ignoring him) Anyway, Ralph just came in to tell me that he's so
 happy with my work that he wants me to be the new merchandising manager for polo retail.
 Monica: Still get a discount on wedding dresses?
 Rachel: Yeah!
 Monica: I'm so happy for you!
 Joey: Well, these really are the days of our lives.
 Monica: What?!
 Joey: Well, since you ask. They want me back on Days of Our Lives!
 Phoebe: (gasps) Oh God!
 Rachel: I got I get a big pay raise!
 Phoebe: Oh hey!
 Joey: I'll be playing Drake Ramoray's twin brother, Stryker!
 Monica: Oooh!
 Rachel: I get to hire my own assistant!
 Monica and Phoebe: Ahhh!!
 Joey: (jumps up) Well I got a head rush from standing up too fast right
 there.
 [Scene: Rachel's New Office, she's interviewing a potential new assistant,
 Hilda.]
 Rachel: (reading the resume) And you were at this job for four years?
 Hilda: That's right.
 Rachel: Okay, well this is all very impressive Hilda, um I just have one last
 question for you. Uh, how did I do? Was this okay?
 Hilda: What?
 Rachel: I've never interviewed anyone before. I've actually never had
 anyone work for me before. Although when I was a kid, we did have a maid, but this
 is-this isn't the same thing.
 Hilda: No dear. It's not.
 Rachel: No. Yeah, and I know that. All right, well thank you so much for coming
 in, it was nice to meet you.
 Hilda: Thank you! Good meeting you.


Rachel: All right. (Hilda exits) I'm a total pro!
 (There's a knock on the door and a handsome man enters.)
 Man: Hello?
 Rachel: (seeing him) Wow! H-umm! Hi! Yes, uh I'm sorry the models are
 actually down the hall.
 Man: Actually, I'm here about the assistant job.
 Rachel: Really?! (Taking his resume) Okay well then, all right, well just have a
 seat there. Umm, so what's what is what's your name?
 Man: Tag Jones.
 Rachel: Uh-huh, go on.
 Tag: That's it. That's my whole name.
 Rachel: That's your whole name, okay of course it is! Okay, well
 let's-let's just have a look-see here. (Looking at his resume)
 Tag: I know I haven't worked in an office before, and I really don't
 have a lot of experience, but uh
 Rachel: Oh come on, what are you talking about? You've got three years
 painting houses. Two whole summers at T.G.I. Friday's, come on!
 Tag: It's lame, I know. But I'm a goal-oriented person, very eager to
 learn
 Rachel: Okay, hold on just a second. (She grabs a camera out of the desk and
 takes his picture.) I'm sorry, it's for human resources, everybody has to do it.
 Could you just stand up please?
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is sitting on the couch when some unknown guy comes in
 and sits in their easy chair.]
 Chandler: No-no-no-no. (Waves him away as Monica and Phoebe enter whispering to
 each other.) Hey! (Monica shushes him.)
 Phoebe: (To Monica) Anyway, I should go. Okay, bye.
 Monica: (To Chandler) Hey sweetie.
 Chandler: Hi sweetie. So, what was with all the whispering?
 Monica: I can't tell you. It's a secret.
 Chandler: Secret? Married people aren't supposed to have secrets between
 one another. We have too much love and respect for one another.
 Monica: Awww. (Kisses him.) But still no.
 Chandler: No I'm serious, we should tell each other everything. I do
 not have any secrets from you.
 Monica: Really? Okay, so why don't you tell me what happened to Ross Junior
 year at Disneyland?
 Chandler: Oh no-no, I can't do that.
 Monica: If you tell me, I'll tell you what Phoebe said.
 Chandler: Okay.
 Monica: Okay.
 Chandler: So, Ross and I are going to Disneyland and we stop at this
 restaurant for tacos. And when I say restaurant, I mean a guy, a hibachi, and the trunk of
 his car. So Ross has about 10 tacos. And anyway, we're on Space Mountain and
 Ross starts to feel a little iffy.
 Monica: Oh my God. He threw up?
 Chandler: No, he visited a little town south of throw up. (Monica laughs
 hysterically.) So what was Phoebe's secret?
 Monica: Oh, Nancy Thompson from Phoebe's old massage place is getting
 fired.
 Chandler: That's it?! I gave up my Disneyland story for that?
 Monica: That's right! You lose sucker!! (Pause) Please still marry me.
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.]
 Rachel: Chandler, you have an assistant right?
 Chandler: (angrily) Did she call? You-you told her I was sick right? Always tell
 her I am sick!
 Rachel: No, I-I just don't know how you decide who to hire. I mean
 I've got it narrowed down to two people. One of them has great references and a lot
 of experience and then there's this guy
 Chandler: What about him?
 Rachel: I love him. He's so pretty I wanna cry! I don't know what to
 do. Tell me what to do.
 Phoebe: Come on you know what to do! You hire the first one! You don't hire
 an assistant because they're cute, you hire them because they're qualified.
 Rachel: Uh-huh. No, I hear what you're saying and-and-and that makes a lot
 of sense but can I just say one more thing? (Takes out his picture.) Look how pretty!
 Phoebe: Let's see. (Looking at the picture) Oh my God! Oh  But no! No!
 You can't-you can't hire him, because that it's not professional. Umm,
 this is for me (The picture) yes? Thanks. (Puts it in her pocket.)
 Rachel: Okay you're right. I'll hire Hilda tomorrow. Dumb old perfect
 for the job Hilda!
 Chandler: Let me see this guy. (Phoebe hands him the picture.) W-H-Wow!
 Don't show this to Monica! And don't tell her about the W-H-Wow!
 [Scene: The Days of Our Lives producer's office, Joey is entering to find
 Terry there.]
 Terry: Hey-hey-hey Joey!
 Joey: Hey Terry!
 Terry: Good to see you again!
 Joey: It's been a while, huh? Wow, it's funny these halls look smaller
 than they used to.
 Terry: It's a different building.
 Joey: So! Stryker Ramoray huh? When do you want me to start?
 Terry: Why don't we start right now!
 Joey: Okay.
 Terry: Here are the audition scenes. (Holds out the script.)
 Joey: (looking between the pages and him) Audition? I thought you were gonna
 offer me the part.
 Terry: Why would you think that?
 Joey: Well, I was Dr. Drake Ramoray, Stryker's twin brother. I mean, who
 looks more me than me right?
 Terry: Everybody has to audition.


Joey: Y'know Terry, I-I don't really need to do this. I got my
 own cable TV series, (Pause) with a robot.
 Terry: I'm sorry Joey that's that's the way it is.
 Joey: Well. I guess you think you're pretty special huh? Sittin' up
 here in your fancy small hall building. Makin' stars jump through hoops for ya, huh?
 Well y'know what? (Throws the script away) This is one star who's hoop
 This is a star that the hoop this hoop I was Dr. Drake Ramoray!
 [Scene: Rachel's office, she's there as Tag knocks on the door and enters
 carrying a plant.]
 Rachel: Hi! Tag. What are you doing here?
 Tag: I just wanted to come by and thank you for not laughing in my face
 yesterday. And I noticed there aren't any plants in your office so I wanted to bring
 you your first  (Notices her plant) There is a plant in your office.
 Rachel: Kinda.
 Tag: Right. So I guess I shouldn't put 'good at noticing stuff' on my resume.
 (Sets the plant down on her desk.)
 Rachel: Oh-ohh, thank you.
 Tag: Anyway, I'm guessing you hired somebody.
 Rachel: Well
 Tag: Gotcha. Thanks again for meeting with me. (Starts to leave.)
 Rachel: But I hired you!
 Tag: What?
 Rachel: Yeah! You-you got the job! You're my new assistant!
 Tag: I am?!
 Rachel: Yeah!
 Tag: I can't believe it!
 Rachel: Me either. Umm, all right, first thing I need you to do is go downstairs
 and find a women named Hilda and tell her to go home.
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is setting the table for dinner as
 Chandler enters.]
 Chandler: Hey.
 Monica: Hey! Good, you're home!
 Chandler: Oh it's always nicer to hear than, 'Aw crap! You
 again!'
 Monica: Hey baby. (Kisses him.)
 Chandler: Hey.
 Monica: I made you a surprise.
 Chandler: Oh yeah?
 Monica: Yeah, tacos! Ever since you told me that story I've had such a
 craving for them.
 Chandler: Did you not understand the story?
 Ross: (entering) Hey!
 Chandler: Hey! What's up?
 Monica: Ross!
 Ross: Oh, nothin' much. Just trying to figure out what I'm gonna do
 for dinner.
 Chandler: Huh.
 Ross: (notices the table) Hey Ooh! What's-what's that, dinner
 stuff? You making dinner?
 Chandler: No! (The oven dings.) Shhh!
 Ross: What you got over there? Tacos?
 Monica: No! No. They're umm  They're just uh ground beef
 smileys. (Holding up one of the shells.)
 Ross: Uhh, those are tacos.
 Monica: Excuse me Mr. Mexico.
 Ross: Eh, either way I'll pass. (Quietly to Chandler) I still can't
 eat those. (Monica is getting something out of the fridge and starts laughing.)
 What's so funny?!
 Monica: (trying not to laugh) I'm not laughing.
 (Ross and Chandler move closer to her and she starts laughing again.)
 Ross: (To Chandler) You told her!
 Chandler: Nancy Thompson's getting fired! (Monica slaps him on the
 shoulder.)
 Ross: (To Monica) Look, okay-okay I had food poisoning! It's not like I
 chose to do it! It's not like It's not like I said, 'Umm, what would
 make this ride more fun?!'
 Monica: You're right. I mean I'm sorry. Yeah, I shouldn't be
 laughing. I should be laying down papers for you! (Runs off laughing which gets Chandler
 laughing.)
 Ross: (To Chandler) How could you tell her?!
 Chandler: I had to okay?! We're getting married! Married couples
 can't keep secrets from one another!
 Ross: Oh really? Well I-I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City.
 Chandler: Du-ude!
 Monica: (running up to Ross) What happened in Atlantic City?!
 Ross: Well, Chandler and I are in a bar
 Chandler: Did you not hear me say, 'Du-ude?!'
 Ross: And this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay? So after awhile he-he goes
 over to her and uh, after a minute or two, I see them kissing. Now, I know what
 you're thinking, Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes
 out with girls, and you're right, Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes
 to bars and makes out with girls.
 Monica: (To Chandler) You kissed a guy?!! Oh my God.
 Chandler: In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy.
 Ross: Oh Mon, I laughed so hard
 Chandler: Ho-ho, so hard we had to throw out your underwear again?
 Ross: Whatever dude, you kissed a guy.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is giving Joey a massage as Rachel enters.]
 Rachel: Hi!
 Joey: Hey.
 Phoebe: Hey Ooh, how's Hilda? Is she working out?
 Rachel: Ohh, my new assistant is working out, yes.
 Joey: Was she happy you gave her the job?
 Rachel: Oh, my-my new assistant was very happy that I hired my new assistant.
 (The phone rings and Joey answers it.)
 Joey: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh hey! Can you, can you hang on a second? (To
 Phoebe and Rachel) It's the producers over at Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. can you excuse me
 for a minute? (On phone) Hey, funny you should call. I was just looking over next
 week's script. (Listens) Canceled?! (Listens) Like they're taking it off the
 air? (Listens) Ohh. (Listens) All right, see you Monday. (Listens) We're not even
 shootin' them anymore?!! (Listens) All right, bye! (Hangs up) They canceled Mac and
 C.H.E.E.S.E!