Phoebe: Taffy, really? I've never had any.
 Ross: Ever?!
 Phoebe: Well, I think my mother was too busy planning her suicide to provide
 saltwater treats. (Ross hands her one) Thank you! So what, you're just never going to
 tell her?
 Ross: Oh, no, no, no, I will! I just want to butter her up, first! You know,
 I'm going to take her to an amazing Valentine's dinner. Do all this romantic
 stuff, and then, just when she thinks I'm the best boyfriend in the world, then
 I'm going to tell her that my pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with me.
 Phoebe: If I haven't said it before: she's a lucky, lucky lady! So, where
 are you going to what the mother of crap is up with this stuff? (Referring to the
 taffy, which she's been chewing this whole time.) Oh, God. Is it gum, is it food?
 What's the deal? (she swallows it, finally) Oh, it's nice! May I try a pink one?
 [Scene: Joey's. Joey is laying on his recliner, depressed, and the dog is laying
 on the footrest.]
 Joey: So, between her and me being friends, and her history with Ross, it just
 isn't going to happen. It would be like you falling in love with a cat.
 Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
 Joey: Hey.
 Phoebe: Hey, buddy. How's my favorite dog, huh? How's my favorite dog?
 (the dog doesn't move) You're subdued. (to Joey) Did you give him a beer?
 Joey: No.
 Phoebe: Will you excuse us, we need to talk for a moment.
 Joey: Yeah, sure. Go ahead. (pause) Oh, me, right!
 (Joey follows Phoebe into the kitchen)
 Phoebe: He's miserable! What happened to him?
 Joey: Nothing. We just talked about stuff.
 Phoebe: What stuff?
 Joey: Rachel stuff.
 Phoebe: Oh Joey, you bummed him out! This was the happiest dog in the world,
 and he spends half a day with you, and look at him!
 Joey: He's breathing!
 Phoebe: Okay, I'm going to take him back to Wendy's.
 Joey: No, no, no, no! He's fine! Look, look, look! (picks up the ball)
 Here's your ball! Get your ball! Get your ball! (he throws the ball and it bounces
 right next to the dog) Get your ball! My God, what have I done to you, huh? I broke the
 dog! Pheebs, I broke the dog!
 [Scene: Ross and Rachel's I guess I have to call it that now. Rachel is
 reading on the couch as Ross enters.]
 Ross: Well, I'm, uh, going to pick up Mona. What have you got going tonight?
 Rachel: Oh, I've got big Valentine's plans! I've got my Chinese food
 on the way, and the rest of your saltwater taffy!
 Ross: Y'know, it's interesting! Most people think that's made with
 seawater, when in fact
 Rachel: Ross, we actually watched the documentary together.
 (There is a knock on the door.)
 Rachel: Ooh! My Chinese food! Let me get my cash! (runs to her room to get her
 money)
 Ross: (opening the door to see Mona standing there) Mona? What are hi! What
 are you doing here? I'm, um, supposed to pick you up!
 Mona: Change of plans, I made you a special Valentine's dinner! Surprise!
 Ross: (he makes some really weird noise hear that sounds kind of
 like )Ayyyayyyy!
 Rachel: (entering) Oh, hey, Mona!
 Mona: Hi! Hi. Hi, Rachel! (to Ross) What's she doing here?
 Ross: I have no idea!
 Rachel: I'll be watching TV if anybody needs me. (exits to her room)
 Mona: Seriously, what is she doing?
 Ross: Uh lately, she just likes hanging out here.
 Mona: Why?
 Ross: I think she's lonely.
 Mona: Okay, but it's Valentine's Day!
 Ross: I know.
 Mona: Can't we just ask her to go?
 Ross: No, no. She's way to emotional. And by emotional I mean crazy.
 (Doorbell rings)
 Rachel: I'm not here! That's just my Chinese food!
 Mona: Oh, my God! She has food delivered here?
 Ross: Mm-hmm. She's she's emotional, but, but ballsy.
 Rachel: You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to get in my sweats, and
 eat this in bed! (exits)
 Ross: And you thought she was going to be in our way! So, why don't you, uh,
 open the champagne, and I'll be right back. I've got a surprise for you.
 Mona: You got another ex-wife back there?
 Ross: (fakes a laugh) Please start drinking! (exits)
 Rachel: (entering) I'm just going to grab the phone.
 Mona: Oh, Rachel! Wait! Hey, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but,
 but, um  what are you doing?
 Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry! Do you need the phone?
 Mona: No, no. Listen, Ross is too nice to say anything, but this is his apartment,
 and, and, we gotta have some boundaries, so why don't you go back to your place and
 give us some privacy?
 Rachel: (as Ross enters with a present) But, but, Mona, I live here.
 Ross: (handing Mona the present) Happy Valentine's Day!  Or something to
 remember me by.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch still
 staring at the screen.]


Monica: How long has it been this time?
 Chandler: 90 seconds.
 Monica: That's better. 90 seconds is a long time not to think about
 it except all I did was think about it.
 Chandler: You know, it haunts me? Up  til now, the worst thing I ever saw, was
 my father doing tequila shots off the naked houseboy. After this, I would gladly make that
 my screensaver!
 Monica: Okay, well, we have to get past this! Why don't we get rid of the tape
 and pretend it never existed?
 Chandler: I can do that.
 Monica: Okay.
 (Chandler takes the tape and sticks it under the chair cushion)
 Chandler: Okay. Now all we've got to do is get rid of this chair.
 (Chandler crawls over to Monica and they move in to kiss, but they can't do it and
 back up. They move in to kiss again, and kiss very awkwardly for a second, until someone
 knocks on the door.)
 Monica: Oh, thank God!
 Chandler: Oh, I know!
 Monica: Come in!
 Rachel: (entering) Hi! I'm so sorry to barge in on your Valentine's, but
 I had to get away from all the yelling. Mona is dumping Ross.
 Monica: Oh, my God.
 Chandler: Poor Ross.
 (Monica and Chandler both look at each other and run over to the window to watch the
 action in Ross' apartment)
 Chandler: Oh, great. We have to watch him do yoga in his underwear, but for this he
 closes the drapes!
 Monica: Rach, you know that birthing tape you wanted to see? It's here.
 Chandler: Oh, and we should warn you, before you watch it: don't watch it.
 Rachel: Why? You saw it? Is it scary?
 Chandler: Well, let's just say it's ironic how footage of someone being
 born can make you want to kill yourself.
 Rachel: Well, now, wait. Now I'm all freaked out. Come on, you guys will watch
 it with me.
 Monica: No, but I will leave a sweater that smells like me right next to you!
 Rachel: C'mon, seriously, you guys, you're not going to make me watch
 this alone!
 Monica: She's right of course not. Honey, get the tape.
 Chandler: (with his arm all the way under the cushion, moving it around) This
 reminds me of a very specific part of the tape. (Chandler puts the tape in, and they all
 sit down) Okay, here we go.
 Rachel: Okay. (watching the tape) Ooh, my! (Rachel jumps when the woman starts
 screaming) Woah! Why is that baby torturing that woman?!
 Chandler: Why have I seen this thing three times?!
 Monica: It's still beautiful.
 Rachel: Uh! It's horrible!
 Monica: I know! I know, I'm so sorry for you!
 Rachel: Oh, my God!
 (Monica and Rachel both cover their eyes)
 Chandler: Wait, you guys, look!
 Rachel: What? Did her ass explode?!
 Chandler: No, the baby's out! Look, look!
 Monica: Oh, look at those little fingers and toes!
 Chandler: And look how happy the mom is now!
 Monica: Oh Rach!
 Rachel: Oh, screw you guys, you don't have to do it!
 [Scene: Central Perk. Ross is getting coffee as Joey comes from God knows where!
 Some back area of Central Perk around the corner that we've never seen!
 Weeeiiirrrddd .]
 Ross: Hey, hey, man!
 Joey: Hey, what's up?
 Ross: Uh Mona just dumped me.
 Joey: Oh, man, I'm sorry. Why?
 Ross: Well, with everything that's been going on lately, I haven't
 exactly been the perfect boyfriend. You know, I, uh, I didn't tell her I got Rachel
 pregnant. I gave her a key to my apartment, and then had the locks changed! And then I
 lied to her about Rachel moving in with me. In a way, I actually judge her for not
 breaking up with me sooner, you know?
 Joey: Still, that really sucks, man. Especially on Valentine's Day.
 Ross: Yeah. Wait a minute. What are you doing here? Joey Tribbiani without a date
 on Valentine's Day? What's going on, huh? Girl trouble?
 Joey: Sort of.
 Ross: Really?!
 Joey: You don't have to seem so happy about it.
 Ross: Oh, sorry. Well, look, maybe I can help you with it.
 Joey: Oh, I I d
 Ross: Hey, whatever it is, I am sure it has happened to me. Y'know, actually
 once once I got dumped during sex.
 (Two girls sitting at a table next to them look up in disgust, and Ross and Joey move
 away)
 Ross: Anyway, so, uh, so what is it?
 Joey: Forget about it. It's no big deal.
 Ross: C'mon! Joey! What is it?
 Joey: It's nothing.
 Ross: Hey, hey, it's me. Why can't you tell me?
 Joey: Okay, uh sit down. (they do) Um  there's this woman that I
 like. A lot. But, uh it can't happen.
 Ross: She's not a Tribbiani?
 Joey: No!
 Ross: I knew it. So, is she someone from work?
 Joey: Yes.
 Ross: Well, uh, does she like you?
 Joey: Sometimes I think maybe she could. But it doesn't matter, because I
 can't do anything about it.


 The One Where Joey Tells Rachel
 The One Where Joey Tells Rachel
 Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 Lisa Kudrow: (voiceover) Previously on Friends
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is talking to Ross]
 Joey: There's this woman, that I like. A lot. Well, it's
 complicated. She's with this other guy. For a long time. And I
 could never do that to the guy, y'know? 'Ccause we're really good
 friends.
 Ross: So, uh, this guy, she used to go out with, is, uh  is he a good guy?
 Joey: Yeah, he's the best.
 Ross: Then talk to him! He might be fine with it.
 Joey: Oh, I don't know.
 Ross: Joey, it's worth finding out. I mean, if you really like her.
 Joey: I do! So much! I can't stop thinking about her! I can't sleep,
 I
 Ross: Okay, Joey, you know what? You have to go for it. How often does this happen
 to you, huh? You owe it to yourself. (Walks towards the door until )
 Joey: It's Rachel.
 [Fade to Black, then fade in again with Ross stopped at the doorway.]
 Ross: (closes the door) Did you um I'm sorry, did you just say
 it's Rachel?
 Joey: Yes.
 Ross: Um, you you like Rachel?
 Joey: Yes. I like Rachel.
 Ross: Rachel?!
 Joey: (startled) Yeah, okay but look, buy uh Hey-hey, y'know,
 y'know who else I like? You! And it-it doesn't get said enough. I like you Ross.
 Ross: But R-R-Rachel-Rachel?!
 Joey: Yeah, but it's not a big deal.
 Ross: It's not a big deal? Oh, I'm sorry I just um, I what
 about all the stuff you-you just said? I mean how about, I like you-you can't
 stop thinking about her. Like how you can't sleep?
 Joey: I'm an actor, y'know? As-as a group, we tend to be over
 dramatic.
 Ross: Rachel who's carrying my baby? Rachel?
 Joey: Look no, I-I know it's bad, and I know it's wrong. Okay? But-but
 it's not like anything's ever gonna happen. Y'know? These-these are just
 feelings, they're gonna go away.
 Ross: Y'know what? I-I gotta go. (Starts to leave.)
 Joey: Oh come on Ross! Hey Ross-Ross don't
 Ross: (stops) I just y'know I-I just have one Rachel?!
 (He exits and starts to walk away, passes a window, stops, and says
 'Rachel?!' again. Joey sighs and turns around to face Gunther.)
 Gunther: Rachel?!!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Chandler are on the couch.]
 Rachel: Oh-oh! Okay, she's kicking!
 Chandler: Oh! (Puts his hand on her belly.) She's growing inside you.
 Rachel: Whoa!!
 Chandler: Oh! (Pulls his hand away.)
 Rachel: Wow that was a big one.
 Chandler: I think that's the youngest girl ever to reject me.
 Phoebe: (entering) Oh hey you guys!
 Chandler: Oh hey!
 Rachel: Hi!
 Phoebe: Hey listen let me ask you, do you believe in soul mates?
 Rachel: Oh yes I do. I do. I believe that there is one perfect person out there
 for everyone. And do you know how you find him? You stop looking for him. That's why
 I stopped looking for Russell Crowe. He'll find me.
 Phoebe: Uh-huh, (To Chandler) and you?
 Chandler: No. I mean I believe that uh, certain people are more suited for each
 other and I believe in falling in love, but soul mates, I don't think they exist.
 Phoebe: Okay, good.
 Chandler: Why?
 Phoebe: Well last night, I met Monica's.
 Chandler: What?
 Phoebe: Yeah, I had a date with this guy, and I swear to God, he is her other
 half.
 Chandler: Come on, don't be crazy. (To Rachel) You don't think
 there's someone out there better suited for Monica than me, do ya? (Rachel looks at
 him.)
 Rachel: (To Phoebe) Well, what's he like?!
 Phoebe: Well he's tall.
 Rachel: Uh-huh.
 Phoebe: He has brown hair.
 Rachel: Of course, of course.
 Chandler: A tall guy with hair similar to mine, oh unknowable universe!
 Phoebe: He works with food!
 Rachel: Oh sure. Older?
 Phoebe: Obviously, and he's British.
 Rachel: Oh, I was just gonna ask!
 Phoebe: Yeah? And, he's-he's so centered and mature and confident.
 Rachel: Oh, it's so sad they never had a chance to meet.
 Chandler: Luckily, the guy she settled for can't hear what you're
 talking about.
 Phoebe: Oh, I'm so sorry. Um, and maybe I'm wrong! I
 but y'know I'm gonna go out with him again, I'll find out more.
 Chandler: You believe that this guy is destined for someone else and you're
 still gonna date him?
 Phoebe: Well, he may not be my soul mate, but a girl's gotta eat.
 [Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross is opening the door to Monica.]
 Monica: Hey.
 Ross: Hey.
 Monica: I just talked to Joey, I just I want to see how you were.
 Ross: Oh y'know, I still I can't believe it. Joey and Rachel I
 mean it's  It's like you and me going out, only weirder!


Monica: All right, I know you're hurting, and-and I want to be supportive,
 but don't say that again.
 Ross: Oh my God! What if, what if they get married? Then he'd be the
 stepfather of my child.
 Monica: Honey, I don't think that's something we need to worry about!
 First of all he's-he's never gonna tell her how he feels about her. And even if
 he did you have no idea how she'd react.
 Ross: Sure, because women never like Joey. Y'know, I think he's a
 virgin.
 Monica: Joey he's not even thinking about going after Rachel!
 Ross: He's not?
 Monica: No! All he's thinking about is how you're taking this! I mean,
 listen it's totally freaking him out. He's talking about moving to Vermont.
 Ross: Why?
 Monica: He says he wants to leave the country. (Pause) He thinks you hate him.
 Ross: Hate him? I  No, I don't hate him. (Pause) It's just
 it's Rachel, y'know?
 Monica: Honey I can't even imagine how hard this must be for you. But, I
 don't want you to lose Joey over it. And right now he just needs to know that
 you're still his friend.
 Ross: Okay. Okay, I'll talk to him.
 Monica: All right. Now do it soon, he just asked me how to convert his dollars
 into Vermont money.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are on the couch as Phoebe enters with
 Monica's soul mate.]
 Phoebe: Oh! Hi!
 Monica: Hi!
 Phoebe: Umm, Chandler, Monica, this is Don.
 Don: Oh, hello. (Shakes Chandler's hand.) Hello. (Shakes Monica's
 hand.)
 Phoebe: (mouths to Chandler) Soul mate.
 Chandler: (mouths to Phoebe) What?
 Phoebe: (cough talks) Soul mate.
 Monica: So, what have you guys been doing?
 Don: Well, we just had a terrible lunch today at Reattica. What is with all the
 sun-dried tomatoes at that place?
 Monica: I know! What is this, 1985?!
 Don: That's exactly what I said. Phoebe, isn't that strange.
 Monica: Not really.
 Chandler: What's wrong with sun-dried tomatoes? (Everyone stares at him.)
 On a barbecue chicken pizza? (Still there's staring.) No?
 Monica: So Don, what-what other restaurants do you like?
 Don: Well, Octavio, 27&7 Oh! And there's this great little place,
 Alessandro's.
 Monica: Oh my God! That's my restaurant, I'm the chef there.
 Don: You're kidding me!
 Monica: No!
 Don: Your food is fantastic! Wow, I really want to talk to you about your menu,
 once I get some coffees first. Um, anyone want any?
 Monica: Oh, I'd like a latte. Oh y'know what? If you're gonna
 talk about me, I'm gonna go with you.
 (They go over to the counter and Chandler moves closer to Phoebe.)
 Chandler: What are you doing?!
 Phoebe: Nothing! I swear to God I didn't know you guys would be here! And
 the good news is you didn't believe in soul mates. So
 Chandler: I believe in tall, handsome strangers who hit on my wife!
 Phoebe: They're just talking, and y'know what? Just because I think
 they're soul mates doesn't mean anything's gonna happen.
 Monica: (returning) Phoebe, good work.
 Phoebe: Yeah?
 Monica: Yeah! Oh he's great, I love him. (Walks away and Chandler glares at
 Phoebe.)
 Phoebe: Don't worry, we'll find you someone else.
 [Scene: Joey's Apartment, there's a knock on the door and Joey answers it to
 Ross.]
 Joey: Hey.
 Ross: Hey.
 Joey: Look, I understand if you came by to hit me, I deserve it.
 Ross: No, I don't want to hit you.
 Joey: Oh what then? Kick me?
 Ross: No.
 Joey: (getting worried) Bite me?
 Ross: No, no I don't want to do anything to you. All right? I just want to
 tell you that I'm not mad at you and and that I certainly do not hate you. I
 just, I just came here to say that. (Starts to leave.)
 Joey: Oh now Hey Ross-Ross! Do you wanna-wanna come in for a beer or
 something?
 Ross: Uh yeah sure. (Enters.)
 Joey: Do uh, do you got any beer? All-all I got is this melon stuff that Rachel
 left. I don't
 Ross: Okay.
 Joey: (pouring two glasses) Hey look Ross, you need to understand something
 okay? I uh I am never gonna act on this Rachel thing, okay? I-I would never do
 anything to jeopardize my friendship with you. (He hands Ross a glass.)
 Ross: Thank you.
 (They clink glasses and take a drink. Ross likes it, Joey hates it. Then Ross sees Joey
 hating it, mimics he hates it as well.)
 Joey: Anyway, it uh look it'll just take me a while to get over
 her, that's all. I'm not even sure how to do that, I mean I've never been
 in love before so
 Ross: What?! You're in love with her.
 Joey: Yeah, I thought you knew that.
 Ross: Umm, no.
 Joey: Wow. Hey look, if it helps, I don't want to feel this way. Honest. I
 just keep thinking, 'Ah, I'll get over this.' Y'know? I just It
 just keeps gettin' harder. I don't, I don't know what to do. Y'know?
 What do I do?
 (Pause)


Ross: I think you need to tell her how you feel.
 Joey: Okay that's the green stuff talkin'.
 Ross: No, I'm serious. You-you need to find out where she is, because if
 she's not where you are, then you can start to move past this.
 Joey: But what if uh and I'm not saying she will be But
 Ross: If she is where you are then uh then my feeling weird about it
 shouldn't stand in the way.
 Joey: Are you sure?
 Ross: Yeah. Look if-if she's gonna end up with somebody else, the truth is
 she couldn't find a better guy. So
 Joey: Hey thanks.
 Ross: So when do you think you're gonna talk to her?
 Joey: Oh my God I have to tell her! I haven't even thought about what I
 will say. What should I say?
 Ross: I'm understanding, but let's not get carried away.
 Joey: I'm sorry, you're right. What am I gonna say? (He takes another
 sip of the green stuff and recoils at the taste.) Oh!
 Ross: Yeah, tell me about it. (He stands up, turns his back to Joey, and enjoys
 another sip.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Chandler are watching Monica and Don talk.]
 Don:  so I've been slowly phasing out the wine importing and focusing
 more on the cheese side of things.
 Chandler: Cheese you say? That's some pretty smelly work, huh Don?
 Don: Excuse me?
 Chandler: Cheese, it's smelly. You must smell a lot of the time too.
 Don: Uh, not really. But when it comes to cheese, I'm one of the people who
 thinks the smellier the better.
 Monica: Me too! Yeah, Chandler can't stand it. He won't even allow me
 to have blue cheese in the house.
 Don: And you're still married to him? (They both laugh, and Chandler tries
 to but fails.)
 Monica: You know what I'd love to do? I would like to go to France and eat
 nothing but bread and cheese Not even bread, just cheese. No, I want the bread. Yeah.
 Ah, and pastries  (Breathlessly) And pate. Oh, I'm really not high, it's
 just I used to be fat.
 Don: Well if you where ever enter the Loire valley let me know, I've got a
 great little villa you can stay at.
 Chandler: Is it made of cheese?
 Don: No. But God, a house made of cheese, wouldn't that be incredible?!
 Monica: I'd move in tomorrow!
 Chandler: (disgusted) Oh come on! (To Phoebe) Are you listening to this?
 Phoebe: I'm so sorry.
 Chandler: What do we do?
 Phoebe: I don't know, they both want to live in a house of cheese! I
 don't know how you fight that.
 [Scene: Outside Ross and Rachel's, Joey walks up to knock on the door, but stops.]
 Joey: Okay. Okay, I can do this. I can tell her how I feel. Just uh, just stand
 up straight. (Does so.) Take a couple deep breaths. (Does so.) Look confident. (Does so as
 Rachel opens the door and startles him.)
 Rachel: Joey? What's up?
 Joey: I uh, I just came by because I-I want to talk to you about something.
 Rachel: Okay what's up?
 Joey: Here? In the hall? What are we animals?
 Rachel: Well honey, I'm late for a meeting. So can you just make it quick?
 Joey: Okay umm, I just came by to tell you that I want to have dinner with
 you tonight. That's all.
 Rachel: Sure! That sounds great! Just leave me a message and tell me where to
 meet you. Okay? (Walks away.)
 Joey: Okay. That's good. Okay, that give you a couple hours to prepare what
 you're gonna say. Good. Yeah. (Someone comes out of his apartment and it startles
 Joey again.) Don't you people ever knock?!
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are entering.]
 Monica: I'd like to have Don and Phoebe over. Wouldn't that be nice?
 Chandler: Sure, why don't you set it up. I'll just be over here,
 browsing through the personals.
 Monica: Are you okay? You've been acting weird all afternoon.
 Chandler: Yeah, fine. Fine. Not perfect!! But good enough.
 Monica: Jeez! What is with you?
 Chandler: I'm sorry, did you say cheese?
 Monica: All right, what's going on?
 Chandler: Phoebe thinks you and Don are soul mates, and I don't believe in
 that kind of stuff. But then you two totally get along. So look, I won't stand in
 your way if you want to run off with Don and live in a house of cheese.
 Monica: Chandler, you don't believe in soul mates?
 Chandler: No. But I'm sure (mimics Don)  tomatoes' does.
 Monica: I don't believe in soul mates either.
 Chandler: You don't?
 Monica: No. I don't think that you and I were destined to end up together.
 I think that we fell in love and work hard at our relationship. Some days we work really
 hard.
 Chandler: So you you don't want to live with Don in a cheese house?


 The One With The Tea Leaves
 The One With The Tea Leaves
 Teleplay by: Steven Rosenhaus
 Story by: R. Lee Flemming, Jr.
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: The Hallway, Rachel walks up the stairs and knocks on Joey's door.]
 Rachel: Joey? Are you in there?
 [Cut to inside Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Chandler and Joey are eating
 breakfast.]
 Joey: (hearing Rachel and jumping up with his plate) Oh God! That's Rachel!
 Monica: Joey, you have to talk to her!
 Joey: No-no, I can't! I can't! Not after the other night, it's
 just it's too weird, okay? Don't tell her I'm here! (Turns to run to
 the bathroom and his bagel falls off the plate onto the floor.) Don't eat that! (Runs
 to the bathroom as Rachel enters.)
 Rachel: Hey!
 Chandler: Hey!
 Monica: Hey Rachel!
 Rachel: Is Joey here?
 Chandler: I don't see him. (To Monica) Do you see him?
 Monica: I don't see him. Hey! Maybe he's in the sugar bowl! (Opens the
 sugar bowl) Joey? Nope! (Closes the sugar bowl and they both laugh.)
 Rachel: Well, at least you make each other laugh.
 Monica: What's up?
 Rachel: Well, I haven't seen him since that night that he told me how he
 y'know  I don't know, I think he's avoiding me. Why is that bagel on
 the floor?
 Monica: We were playing a game.
 Rachel: Ew, was Chandler naked? Sort of like a, like a ring toss kind of
 situation?
 Monica: Sure.
 Chandler: What?! No! No!
 Rachel: All right. Well listen, if you see Joey will you just tell him
 uh tell him I miss him. (Exits and Joey enters.)
 Monica: (To Joey) Okay, did you hear that?
 Joey: Yeah, a naked bagel game? (Picks up his dropped bagel.) (To Chandler)
 Dude, I don't know. That's a pretty small hole.
 Monica: Honey, you gotta talk to her.
 Joey: I can't! Y'know? You guys don't know what it's like to
 put yourself out there like that and just get shot down.
 Chandler: (incredulous) I don't know what that's like?! Up until I was
 25 I thought the only response to, 'I love you,' was, 'Oh crap!'
 Monica: Hello? No rejection? I got shot down at fat camp! Boy, kids are mean
 when they're hungry.
 Joey: All right so, so what do I do?
 Monica: This is Rachel. I mean, what are you gonna do, never going to talk to
 her again? I mean I know it's weird, it's awkward, but you gotta at least try.
 Joey: Yeah. Okay. (Goes to take a bite out of the previously mentioned bagel.)
 Whoa! (Stops.) I almost forgot this was on your
 Chandler: (interrupting him) We didn't play it!!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is holding a book as she, Rachel, and Monica drink some
 tea as Chandler looks on.]
 Phoebe: Okay, so when you're done with your tea I'll look at your
 leaves and tell you your fortune.
 Chandler: I didn't know you read tea leaves.
 Phoebe: Oh yeah, I've done it for years. I actually stopped because I was
 so accurate. Y'know, and-and y'know, one of the great joys of life is
 it's-it's wondrous unpredictability. Y'know? And also tea tends to give me
 the trots.
 Monica: Okay, I'm done. Read mine.
 Phoebe: Okay. (Looks at the leaves.) Ooh, I see a ladder. (Checks the book)
 Which can mean either a promotion or a violent death.
 Monica: (stunned) I-I'm the head chef. I-I can't get promoted.
 Phoebe: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm, who's next?
 Rachel: Okay, I'm done. Do mine.
 Phoebe: Okay. (Reads the leaves) Umm, oh! Okay, I see a circle.
 Rachel: Ah.
 Phoebe: Oh! (Checking the book) Which can either mean you're having a baby
 or you're gonna make a scientific discovery!
 Rachel: Well, I have been spending a lot of time in the lab.
 Chandler: What does yours say Pheebs?
 Phoebe: Umm  Wow, all right. (Checks the book.) Wow! Yay! Ooh, I'm
 gonna meet a guy! And really soon! And he's gonna be the man of my dreams. Probably
 not the guy I had a dream about last night. (Points at Chandler.)
 Ross: (entering) Hey! Has anyone seen my shirt? It's a button down, like a,
 like a faded salmon?
 Monica: You mean your pink shirt?
 Ross: Faded salmon color.
 Monica: No, I-I haven't seen your pink shirt.
 Ross: Great! Great. Then I must've left it at Mona's. I knew it!
 Chandler: Well, I'm sure you get another one at Ann Taylor's.
 Ross: That's my favorite shirt! Okay? I love that shirt!
 Rachel: Well just ask Mona to give it back!
 Ross: I don't know. I mean I-I guess I could. It's just that we
 didn't really end things such good terms. And if I go over there I'd be ignoring
 the one thing she asked me to do when we broke up, jump up my own ass and die. (Walks
 away.)
 Phoebe: (noticing a guy sitting by the green post looking at her) Oh wait a
 second you guys for the last couple weeks I've been that guy everywhere I go. We
 take the same bus. We go to the same bookstore, the same dry cleaners; maybe he's the
 tea guy. (He gets up to leave, and smiles at Phoebe.)


Chandler: Phoebe, did you see that?! He totally checked you out! He is so cute!
 (Looking at his tea.) Mine has a picture of The Village People, what does that
 mean?
 (Joey enters.)
 Rachel: Hi!
 Joey: Hey.
 (He slowly walks to the other side of the couch and sits down at the table, an awkward
 silence follows.)
 Rachel: Hi.
 Joey: Hi.
 (More awkward silence.)
 Monica: Tea gives Phoebe the trots.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is cooking as Rachel paces nervously.]
 Rachel: So I thought Joey and I would be okay once we hung out, but it's
 not even like we know how to be with each other anymore.
 Chandler: I know it's tough now, but things will get better.
 Rachel: How do you know that? What if it just gets worse and worse and worse, to
 the point where we can't even be in the same room with each other?!
 Chandler: I'm not great at the advice, can I interest you in a sarcastic
 comment? Some cheese?
 Monica: Honey, what is the Bruce Springsteen CD in the Kat Stevens case?
 Chandler: Let's just say if I can't find the right CD case I just put
 it in the nearest one.
 Monica: Okay, where is the Kat Stevens CD?
 Chandler: In the James Taylor case.
 Monica: Where is the James Taylor CD?
 Chandler: Honey, I'm gonna save you some time, 200 CDs, not one of them in
 the right case.
 Monica: Okay. No need to panic. Deep breathes everyone. Okay umm uh, we're
 just gonna have to spend some time and put the CDs in the right cases.
 Chandler: Well, if we're gonna do that we should come up with some kind of
 order. Y'know alphabetically or by genre?
 Monica: Hmm, I don't know. We really have to talk this through.
 Rachel: Oh my God!! You guys have such problems!! I feel so terrible for you!
 Monica: Okay, I-I'm sorry. You and Joey, your both focusing on this
 uncomfortable thing, what you need to do is to change the subject. Next time you see him
 try to get him talking about something else.
 Rachel: Oh yeah. That makes sense.
 Monica: Yeah, like I don't know, maybe you have a work problem that you
 need his advice on.
 Rachel: Ooh, I can do that.
 Monica: Good. (To Chandler) Uh honey, the Miami Vice soundtrack? Really?
 Chandler: They were just giving those away at the store (off Monica's look)
 in exchange for money.
 Joey: (entering) Hey!
 Rachel: Hi.
 Monica: Uh I really don't know what to tell you Rach, I really don't.
 I mean, maybe Joey can help you out with your, with your big work problem.
 Rachel: What?
 Monica: Yeah Joey she's Rachel's got this really big work
 problem, and it is a head scratcher. Wow! (To Chandler) Y'know what, if we're
 gonna make dinner we're gonna have to leave. Yeah. (She and Chandler exit.)
 Joey: So you uh, have a big work problem?
 Rachel: Yeah it's umm  Yeah it's uh  It-it's
 y'know It's nothing.
 Joey: Huh. Okay. (Awkward silence.) So uh, I think I'm gonna take off.
 Rachel: Yeah No wait! Joey no wait it is. It's something.
 It's-it's umm it's my boss.
 Joey: Yeah?
 Rachel: Yeah, and umm my baby.
 Joey: Yeah?
 Rachel: My boss wants to buy my baby!
 Joey: What?! Oh my-oh my God!
 Rachel: I know I told you, it's a really big problem.
 Joey: What he wants to buy your baby?!
 Rachel: Can you believe that?!
 Joey: That's crazy!
 Rachel: That's what I told him!
 Joey: Okay, how did this even happen?
 Rachel: Well I'll tell ya! (Pause) See uh my-my boss and his
 wife They-they can't have children. So umm, and that we were at the
 Christmas party, and he got drunk, and he said to me, 'Rachel, I want to buy your
 baby.'
 Joey: Man! When you said it was a problem about your boss and the baby I figured
 it was something about maternity leave.
 Rachel: Ohh! Yeah! (Pause) Yeah that-that would've been a much simpler
 problem.
 [Scene: A newsstand, Phoebe is looking at a magazine as the guy from before walks by
 and picks up a newspaper.]
 Phoebe: Oh hello.
 Guy: Oh, it's you. I see you everywhere. I'm Jim, Jim Nelson.
 Phoebe: Oh Jim, Jim Nelson I'm Phoebe, Phoebe Buffay. We certainly have
 been seeing a lot of each other lately.
 Jim: We have. Maybe we'll be seeing each other at dinner tomorrow night,
 say around 8 o'clock?
 Phoebe: Well, maybe we will. (Starts to walk away.) Oh! (She turns around and
 the exchange information.)
 [Scene: Outside Mona's Apartment, Ross is knocking on the door.]
 Ross: Mona? (There's no answer, so he starts to leave but remembers where
 her extra key is. He reaches atop a hall light just outside her door and grabs the key. He
 looks at in triumph as the pain from it being hot moves along his nervous system to his
 brain, and when it arrives his brain orders his hand to drop the hot key and his mouth to
 squeal in pain. After dropping the key he pulls his shirtsleeve over his hand and uses the
 key to open the door and enter Mona's apartment.) Okay, if I were a salmon shirt,
 where would I be? (He hears a key in the door and as it opens he dives behind the couch.)
 Mona: (entering, with her date) I am so sorry I spilled wine all over your
 shirt.
 Mona's Date: Oh, it's okay.
 Mona: No, it's still wet. Y'know what? Let me get it out before it
 sets. Ooh, I have something you can wear. Here. (Hands him Ross's shirt.)
 Mona's Date: Oh umm, I-I don't know if I want to wear a woman's shirt.
 Mona: No-no that's a man's shirt.
 Mona's Date: It's awfully pink. (Ross mouths, 'It's
 salmon!')
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are sorting their CDs.]


Chandler: Oh my God, honey we are so meant to be together. We both have copies
 of the Annie soundtrack.
 Monica: Honey, both yours.
 Rachel: (entering) Hey! Great advice on that Joey thing!
 Monica: Yeah? The work problem?
 Rachel: Oh it was perfect! I mean it really felt like he was my friend again.
 Chandler: What problem did you tell him you had?
 Rachel: Oh that's not important. The point is, I really I think
 everything's gonna be okay.
 [Scene: Mr. Zelner's Office, he's in a meeting as Joey bursts in.]
 Mr. Zelner: May I help you?
 Joey: Do you think you can just buy my friends baby?!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: A restaurant, Phoebe and Jim are on their date.]
 Phoebe: Isn't it funny how we kept running into each other? It's as if
 someone really wants us to be together.
 Jim: Someone does. Me.
 Phoebe: Oh, witty banter. Well done.
 Jim: So, tell me a little bit about yourself.
 Phoebe: Oh okay, well I'm a masseuse, and I used to work at this
 place
 Jim: Do you like to party?
 Phoebe: I-I-I like, I like parties.
 Jim: You're wild, aren't ya?
 Phoebe: Yeah I guess, a little.
 Jim: It ain't no thing, I'm wild too.
 Phoebe: (a little freaked out) So! Umm, anyway I-I lived in New York, someone
 wildly I guess, for umm Well since I was fourteen.
 Jim: I'm sorry. I'm staring. It's just that you have the most
 beautiful eyes.
 Phoebe: Oh stop it.
 Jim: And your breasts! Hmm!!!
 Phoebe: Okay. Umm look, you're coming on a little strong. But I'm
 going to give you the benefit of the doubt, because it seems the universe really wants to
 be together. So, why don't we just start over okay? And you can just tell me about
 yourself.
 Jim: All right.
 Phoebe: Okay.
 Jim: I write erotic novels, for children.
 Phoebe: What?!
 Jim: They're wildly unpopular.
 Phoebe: Oh my God!
 Jim: Oh also, you might be interested to know that I have a Ph.D.
 Phoebe: Wow! You do?
 Jim: Yeah, (looks at his crotch) a Pretty Huge
 Phoebe: All right. (Gets up and walks out.)
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Chandler, and now Rachel are organizing CDs.]
 Chandler: (singing) The sun'll come out tomorrow! Bet your
 bottom dollar that tomorrow  (The girls start laughing, and in a deep voice)  there'll
 be sun.
 Joey: (entering) Hey!
 Rachel: Hey! Oh Joey, honey listen, thank you for talking to my yesterday about
 that thing with my boss. That really meant a lot.
 Joey: Not a problem. Oh, and just so you know, that guy's not going to be
 bothering you about that baby thing anymore.
 Rachel: (worried) What?
 Joey: Let's just say I took care of it.
 Rachel: Whoa-whoa-whoa, let's say more!
 Joey: Don't worry! Don't worry. I just told him, very nicely,
 'You don't go buying people's babies, so back off!!'
 Rachel: What?!
 Chandler and Monica: What?!
 Rachel: No! No, no-no-no Joey he doesn't want to buy my baby! I made that
 up!
 Joey: What?! Why?!
 Rachel: So that we would have something to talk about! So it wouldn't be
 awkward!
 Joey: And you couldn't think of anything else?!
 Monica: You said your boss wants to buy your baby?!
 Rachel: (To Joey) I can't believe that you yelled at my boss!
 I'm-I'm gonna lose my job! What am I going to do?!
 Chandler: You can always sell your baby.
 Rachel: Oh Joey, I can't believe you brought my boss into this! I'm
 gonna get fired!
 Joey: You lied to me!
 Rachel: Well, she told me too! (Points to Monica and Joey glares at her.)
 Monica: Chandler has two copies of Annie!
 [Scene: Mona's Apartment, she and her date are making out as Ross flips through a
 magazine while lying behind the couch and sees something that he likes. Meanwhile,
 Mona's date takes off Ross's shirt and Mona throws it on the floor. While they
 start making out again, Ross tries to pull the rug the shirt is on over to him, but while
 he does that he moves the coffee table and it bumps into the couch.]
 Mona: (seeing Ross) Oh my God! Ross!!!
 Ross: Hello!!
 Mona: Ross, what are you doing?!
 Ross: Not touching myself if that makes anyone less uncomfortable.
 [Scene: Mr. Zelner's Office, Rachel is knocking on the door.]
 Rachel: Morning. You wanted to see me?
 Mr. Zelner: Please, come in. Have a seat. (She does so.)
 Rachel: Okay look Mr. Zelner
 Mr. Zelner: Oh I think it's best that I speak first.
 Rachel: Yeah. (Motions for him to continue.)
 Mr. Zelner: I've asked Lee from human resources to be here as a witness to
 our conversation.
 Rachel: Oh God.
 Mr. Zelner: If I in any way implied that I wanted to buy your baby I am
 sorry. Okay? Last week when I asked you when your due date was uh, I certainly did not
 mean that I felt that I was due your baby. Yeah, I want to be very clear that I
 understand that its your baby, and it is not mine to purchase.


 The One In Massapequa
 The One In Massapequa
 Teleplay by: Mark Kunerth
 Story by: Peter Tibbals
 Transcribed by: Cassie
 With Help From: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]
 Phoebe: Oh, Ross, Mon, is it okay if I bring someone to your parent's
 anniversary party?
 Monica: Yeah.
 Ross: Sure. Yeah.
 Joey: So, who's the guy?
 Phoebe: Well, his name is Parker and I met him at the drycleaners.
 Chandler: Oooh, did he put a little starch in your bloomers? (Sits up) Who said
 that?
 Phoebe: Yeah, he's really great though. He has this incredible zest for
 life, and he treats me like a queen, except at night when he treats me like the naughty
 girl I am.
 Monica: (To Ross) Oh, by the way. Would it be okay if I gave the toast to mom
 and dad this year?
 Ross: Uh, yeah, you sure you want to after what happened at their 20th?
 Monica: Yeah, I'd really like to.
 Ross: Okay, hopefully this time mom won't boo you.
 Monica: Yes! Every year Ross makes the toast, and it's always really
 moving, and always makes them cry. Well this year I'm going to make them cry.
 Chandler: And you wonder why Ross is their favorite?
 Monica: No! Really! Any time Ross makes a toast everyone cries, and hugs him,
 and pats him on the back and they all come up to me and say, 'God, your
 brother.' Know what they'll say this year? 'God, you'
 Joey: Well I can promise you, at least one person will be crying. (Points to
 himself) I'm an actor, and any actor worth himself can cry on cue. (snaps fingers)
 Monica: Really you can do that?
 Joey: Are you kidding me? Watch! (Makes funny faces trying to cry) Well I
 can't do it with you guys watching me!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Chandler and Monica's, they're getting ready to leave for the party.]
 Chandler: What are you doing?
 Monica: Oh I'm working on my toast for the party, or as I like to call it.
 Sob fest 2002. Hey check this out. (Hands him a picture.)
 Chandler: It's a dog.
 Monica: It's a dead dog. That's Chi-Chi; she died when I was in high
 school.
 Chandler: It's your parents' anniversary and you're going to talk
 about their dead pet?
 Monica: The good stuff, huh?
 (Ross, Joey, and Rachel enter)
 Rachel: Hi!
 Ross: Hey!
 Joey: Hey!
 Monica: You got a present for my parents. That's so sweet.
 Joey: Yeah, yeah, in honor of their 35th wedding anniversary, I had a
 star named after them.
 Ross: Aww that is so cool.
 Joey: And I got them a book on Karma Sutra for the elderly.
 Rachel: Hey, do you guys have any extra ribbon?
 Chandler: Yeah, sure. What do you need? We got lace, satin, sateen, raffia,
 gingham, felt, (Pause) and I think my testacles may be in here too.
 Ross: (picking up Chi-Chi's picture) Aww! Chi-Chi! Oh, I loved this dog!
 Y'know Monica couldn't get braces because Chi-Chi needed knee surgery.
 Monica: What?!
 Ross: You were the 200-pound 11-year-old who rode her!
 (Phoebe and Parker enter)
 Phoebe: Hey!
 All: Hi!
 Phoebe: Everybody, this is Parker, Parker this is
 Parker: No, no, no wait! Don't tell me. Let me guess. (Points as he says
 their names) Joey, Monica, Ross, Rachel and, I'm sorry Phoebe didn't mention
 you. (Chandler makes a face) Chandler, I'm kidding all ready you're my favorite!
 Chandler: Ha!
 Parker: Why don't all of you tell me a little about your self?
 Ross: Ah, actually, I'm sorry we-we probably should get going.
 Parker: (laughs) Classic Ross. Rachel, Rachel, oh how you glow. May I? (Puts
 hand on her stomach)
 Rachel: I, uh, think you already are.
 Parker: Rachel, you have life growing inside you. Is there anything in this
 world more miraculous than Oh a picture of a dog! Whose is this?
 Monica: That's my old dog. He passed away years ago.
 Parker: Oh well, at least you were lucky to have him. Bow-wow old friend,
 bow-wow. So where's the party?
 Monica: It's out on the island. It's in Massapequa.
 Parker: Maaaassapequa, sounds like a magical place. Tell me about Massapequa, is
 it steep in Native American history? (Transcriber's Note: Interestingly Alec Baldwin
 was born in Massapequa.)
 Ross: Well, there is an Arby's in the shape of a tee-pee.
 Monica: Okay, I got my note cards. (To Chandler) Do you got the presents?
 Chandler: Yeah.
 Monica: And I've got the car keys.
 Parker: We're driving!?
 Monica: Yeah.
 Parker: Aces!
 (Everyone except Ross and Rachel leave.)
 Ross: So uh, he seems like a nice guy.
 Rachel: Yeah, yeah I like him a lot.
 Ross: Ya wanna hang back and take our own cab?
 Rachel: Yeah, otherwise I'm not going.
 [Scene: The Anniversary Party, Ross and Rachel are arriving and see his parents.]
 Mr. and Mrs. Geller: Hi


Ross: Hi! (Kisses his mom.) Hey mom.
 Rachel: This is such a great party! 35 years. Very impressive, do you guys have
 any pearls of wisdom?
 Mrs. Geller: Jack?
 Mr. Geller: Why would you serve food on such a sharp stick? (Looking a
 toothpick)
 Ross: That's a good question, dad. That's a good question
 Rachel: Hmmm .
 Woman: (To Ross and Rachel) Congratulations you two!
 Rachel: Thank you we're so excited
 Woman: And also, congratulations on your wedding.
 Ross: Wha What?
 Mrs. Geller: Can we talk to you for just a y'know  It's just a
 little thing. Well we think it's absolutely marvelous that you're having this
 baby out of wedlock, some of our friends are less open-minded. Which is why we've
 told them all that you're married.
 Ross and Rachel: What?!
 Mrs. Geller: Thanks for going along with this.
 Ross: Dad so what we have to pretend that we're married?
 Mr. Geller: Son, I had to shave my ears for tonight. You can do this.
 Ross: Can you believe that?
 Rachel: Yeah, if you're going to do the ears, you might as well take a pass
 at the nosal area.
 Ross: No, us having to lie about being married.
 Rachel: No, I know I don't either, but ya know what, it's their party,
 and it's just one night. And we don't even have to lie; we just won't say
 anything. If it comes up again, we'll just smile. We'll nod along.
 Woman: Ross!
 Man: Rachel!
 Ross: Hi Aunt Lisa, Uncle Dan
 Aunt Lisa: Congratulations on the baby, and on the wedding
 Ross and Rachel: Hmmmm .
 Uncle Dan: Here's a little something to get you started. (Hands them a
 check)
 Rachel: Oh
 Aunt Lisa: So, how's married life treating you?
 Rachel: (looking at the check) Unbelievable!
 Ross: We love marriage!
 Aunt Lisa: Great!
 (The rest of the gang arrives including Parker.)
 Ross: Hey
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Parker: What a beautiful place. What a great night! I have to tell you, being
 here with all of you in Event Room C I feel so lucky. I think of all the good times
 that have happened here. The birthdays, the proms, the mitzvahs both bar and bat, but none
 of them will compare with tonight! My God, I don't want to forget this moment!
 It's like I want to take a mental picture of you all! Click! (He takes a mental
 picture of them all.)
 Chandler: I don't think the flash went off.
 Parker: Dahaaa! (Punches Chandler in the arm and he makes a face of pain.)
 I'm going to find the men's room, be right back.
 Phoebe: I'll go with you
 Parker: Come on!
 Chandler: Somewhere there is someone with a tranquilizer gun and a huge
 butterfly net looking for that man.
 Joey: I have to go to the bathroom too, but I don't want him complimenting
 my thing.
 Ross: I'm so we weren't in the car! Did he ever let up?
 Monica: He called the Long Island Expressway a concrete miracle.
 Ross: (imitating Parker) This room! This night! That waiter! His shoes! I must
 take a mental picture! (He backs into someone.) Ooh sorry (He looks behind him then
 notices its Phoebe then stops his impression.)
 Phoebe: Were you guys making fun of Parker?
 Ross: That depends, how much did you hear?
 Phoebe: So, he a little enthusiastic, what's wrong with that?
 Monica: It's just that, it's so much.
 Phoebe: Well, so what I like him! Do I make fun of the people you've dated?
 Tag, Janice, Mona? No, because friends don't do that. But, do you want my opinion? Do
 you want it?  Cause in my opinion, your collective dating record reads like the
 who's who of human crap. (Walks off)
 Monica: I feel terrible.
 Joey: I know
 Ross: What was wrong with Mona?
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: The Anniversary Party, Ross and Rachel have just gotten another wedding
 present.]
 Rachel: Open it! Open it! Open it!
 Ross: Yeah baby!
 Man: So we never got to hear about your wedding!
 Woman: We were surprise that we weren't invited.
 Ross: No, no, it was just our parents and 1 or 2 friends. It was a small
 wedding.
 Rachel: But it was beautiful. I mean it was small, but kind of spectacular.
 Man: Where did you have it?
 Rachel: On a cliff, in Barbados, at sunset, and Stevie Wonder sang Isn't
 She Lovely as I walked down the aisle.
 Woman: Really?
 Rachel: Yeah, Stevie's an old family friend. (Hits Ross's chest)
 Woman: Oh my God. That sounds amazing. I would love to see pictures.
 Rachel: So would I. You wouldn't think that Annie Liebawitz would forget to
 put film in the camera.
 Ross: Would you excuse us for a second? (Pulls Rachel off to the side)
 Umm . what are you doing?
 Rachel: What? I'm not you. This may be the only wedding I ever have. I want
 it to be amazing.


Ross: Okay, okay. Ooooh, ooh maybe I rode in on a Harley.
 Rachel: Okay, Ross, it has to be realistic.
 (Cut to Phoebe and Parker)
 Parker: Are you okay? You seem kind of quiet.
 Phoebe: No, I'm fine. I'm great. I'm with you.
 Parker: And I'm with you! What a great time to be alive! Look at this
 plate-bouncy thing. (Bounces the plates) What an inspired solution to man's plate
 dispensing problems.
 Phoebe: Hm huh, yeah.
 Parker: Ah! Oysters! Let me feed you one.
 Phoebe: No, that's not necessary.
 Parker: Please.
 Phoebe: No, actually I don't eat
 Parker: I won't quit until you try.
 Phoebe: Okay, fine! Fine! (Takes the oyster and pretends to eat it while
 dropping it on the floor) Mmm hmmmmm .
 Parker: What are they like? I've never had one.
 Phoebe: Why don't you just try one?
 Parker: No, they look too weird.
 (Cut to Monica and Chandler)
 Chandler: What are you doin'?
 Monica: Just going over my toast. Those two will never know what hit  em. I
 can't wait. They're going to be crying so hard. They're going to be
 fighting for breath.
 Chandler: Ya know if you want to, I can just hold them down and you could
 (Punches the air).
 (Cut to Rachel and Ross)
 Rachel: And my veil was lace, made by blind, Belgium nuns.
 Woman: Blind?
 Rachel: Well, not at first, but it was very intricate work and they said even
 though they lost their sight, it was all worth it.
 Aunt Lisa: I'll bet you looked beautiful
 Rachel: Well, I don't know about that, but some said that I looked like a
 floating angel.
 Woman: (To Ross) So, how did you propose?
 Rachel: Oh yeah. That's a great story.
 Ross: Well, um, actually, I-I took her to the planetarium.
 That's-that's where we had our first date. Um, she walked in and I had the room
 filled with lilies, her favorite flower
 Aunt Lisa: Oh that is so sweet!
 Rachel: Shhh! I want to hear the rest!
 Ross: Then, Fred Astaire singing The Way You Look Tonight came on the
 sound system, and the lights came down. And I got down on one knee and written across the
 dome in the stars were the words 'Will you marry me?'
 (Various oohs and ahhs)
 Rachel: And the ring, was the size of my fist (makes a fist)!
 (Cut to Phoebe and Joey)
 Joey: Yeah uh, Phoebe! Look umm, I want to apologize about before, okay? We were
 being jerks. Parker's a nice guy and I'd like to get to know him.
 Phoebe: Then you better do it now.
 Joey: Why?
 Phoebe: Because I'm going to kill him
 Joey: What-what?
 Phoebe: You guys were right. He's just too excited about everything. I
 mean I'm all for living life, but this is the Geller's 35th
 anniversary. Okay? Let's call a spade a spade this party stinks.
 Joey: I know I'm having the worst time. There was a 15-minute line for the
 buffet, and when I finally got up to the plates, I slipped on a giant booger!
 Phoebe: Are you sure it wasn't an oyster?
 Joey: I guess it could've been, I didn't really look at it.
 Y'know, I just wiped it on Chandler's coat and got the hell out of there.
 Phoebe: He's just such a great guy I'm so excited about him.
 Joey: Oh hey, you should be excited about him. There's nothing wrong with
 him he's a good guy.
 Phoebe: You think?
 Joey: Yeah. Ya know what I think; I think we were all just being too negative.
 Phoebe: You're right. You're right, he's just embracing life. We
 could all stand to be a little more like Parker. You know what? I am like him! I'm a
 sunny, positive person.
 Joey: Actually, you have a little bit of an edge.
 Phoebe: What's that now?
 Joey: Nothing
 Phoebe: Oh look it's Parker!
 Parker: Look! It's the bunny hop!
 Phoebe: Oooh I love it!
 Parker: You do?!
 Phoebe: Are you kidding? People acting like animals to music. Come on!
 (Cut to Monica, at the microphone)
 Monica: Okay it's time for the toast! Umm now-now, I know that Ross usually
 gives the toast, but this year I'm going to do it.
 (Everyone sighs)
 Monica: No, no it's going to be great. Really! Mom, Dad, when I got
 married, one of the things that made me sure I could do it was the amazing example the two
 of you set for me. For that and so many other things I want to say thank you. I know I
 probably don't say it enough, but I love you. (Pretends to cry hoping her parents
 will join her.) When I look around this room, I'm-I'm saddened by the thought of
 those who could not be here with us. Nana, my beloved grandmother who would so want to be
 here, but she can't because she's dead. As is our dog Chi-Chi. I mean look how
 cute she is. (Holds up the picture and pretends to cry again). Was. (To an old man by the
 stage.) Do me a favor and pass this to my parents. Remember she's dead. Okay, her and
 Nana, gone. Wow! Hey does anybody remember when Debra Winger had to say goodbye to her
 children in Terms of Endearment? (Chandler covers his ears) Didn't see that?
 No movie fans?! You want to hear something sad? The other day I was watching 60 Minutes
 these orphans in Romania, who have been so neglected, they were incapable of love. (Waits
 for people to cry, but doesn't get any tears.) You people are made of stone!
 Here's to mom and dad! Whatever!
 Mrs. Geller: Thank you Monica that was uh, interesting. Wasn't it
 interesting, Jack?
 Mr. Geller: (looking at the picture) Why don't I remember this dog?
 Mrs. Geller: Ross, why don't you give us your toast now?


 The One With Joey's Interview
 The One With Joey's Interview
 Written by: Doty Abrams
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 Episodes Orginally Transcribed by: Eric Aasen, guineapig, Josh Hodge, Aaron
 D. Howard-Miller, and Kiza Abuzahra.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone except Phoebe is there as Rachel enters
 carrying a magazine.]
 Rachel: Hi!
 Ross: Hey!
 Monica: Hey!
 Rachel: So, I'm in my apartment doing the Soap Opera Digest
 crossword puzzle, and guess who the clue is for three down. (She hands the magazine to
 Joey.)
 Joey: (reading) Three down, Days Of Our Lives star blank Tribbiani.
 That's me!! I'm blank!!
 Monica: How cool is this?! We know three down! I'm touching three down!
 (She has her hand on his shoulder.)
 Joey: Yeah you are baby.
 Monica: Three down knows I'm married, what's three down doin'?
 Rachel: So did they call you to tell you your name's gonna be in this?
 Joey: No. They really like me over there. They want to do a big profile on me,
 but I said no.
 Ross: Why'd you say no?
 Joey: Remember what happened the last time I did an interview for them? I said I
 write a lot of my own lines, and then the writers got mad and made my character fall down
 the elevator shaft. So who knows what I might say this time.
 Chandler: If only there was something in your head to control the things
 you say. (Joey nods his agreement.)
 Rachel: Oh, come on Joey! You will totally keep it in check this time, and plus
 y'know the publicity would be really good for your career! And you deserve that! And
 if you do the interview you can mention, oh I don't know, gal pal Rachel Green?
 Chandler: Is that gal pal spelled L-O-S-E-R?
 Rachel: Okay, don't listen to him. Please?
 Joey: Fine! All right, I'll do it. But hey! You guys have to be at the next
 table so you can stop me if I y'know, start to say something stupid.
 Ross: Just then or-or all the time,  cause we-we have jobs y'know.
 Rachel: Come on! We will be there for you the whole time! Just remember gal pal
 Rachel Green. (Excited) Ha-ha! I'm gonna be in Soap Opera Digest! And not just
 in the dumb crossword puzzle. (Looks at Joey.) Seriously, proud of you.
 Joey: Yeah.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is there for his interview and everyone but Phoebe are
 hiding on the couch.]
 The Interviewer: I really appreciate you taking the time to do this.
 Joey: Oh, not at all. Happy to do it.
 [Cut to the rest of the gang sitting low on the couch and craning their necks to watch
 the interview.]
 Monica: (To Chandler) You think we're being obvious?
 Chandler: No, we're just four people with neck problems. You talk like
 this. (Out of the sides of their mouths.)
 [Cut to the interview.]
 The Interviewer: (To Joey) Y'know I think its great you wanted to meet
 here. Y'know when most people hear the magazine is paying for it they want to go to a
 big fancy restaurant.
 Joey: (laughs) Actually, I didn't know the magazine was paying for it.
 Wouldn't have mattered, I'm doing this for the fans, not for the free food.
 Gunther: Can I get you anything?
 The Interviewer: Umm, I'll have a cup of coffee.
 Joey: And I'll have all the muffins.
 [Cut to the gang.]
 Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
 Ross: Shhh! We're not talking.
 Phoebe: Oh. Finally! Oh. (Sits back in relief.)
 [Cut to the interview.]
 The Interviewer: So, according to your bio, you've done quite a bit of work
 before Days of Our Lives. Anything you're particularly proud of?
 [This starts a series of flashbacks; the first one is from Episode 106: The One With
 The Butt, Joey is in a play called Freud!.]
 Joey: (He goes into a song and dance number)
 All you want is a dingle,
   What you envy's a schwang,
   A thing through which you can tinkle,
   Or play with, or simply let hang...
 [The next one is from Episode 304: The One With The Metaphorical Tunnel, Joey is on
 Amazing Discoveries.]
 Host: Folks, has this ever happened to you. You go to the refrigerator to get a
 nice glass of milk, (Joey is in the background struggling to open a cartoon of milk) and
 these darn cartons are so flingin'-flangin' hard to open.
 Joey: Oh, you said it Mike. (Rips open the carton and spills milk on the
 counter) Aw! There's got to be a better way!
 Mike: And there is Kevin.
 [Cut forward.]
 Mike: This is the first time he's ever used this product, he's never used this
 product before, you're gonna see how easy this is to do. (To Kevin) Go ahead. ('Kevin'
 starts using the product, it is a spout that you jab into a paper milk carton so that you
 don't have to rip it open.) This works with any milk carton.


Joey: (finishing installing the Milk Master 2000) Wow, it is easy. (Starts
 to poor the milk) Now, I can have milk everyday.
 (The crowd ahhs.)
 [The next one is from Episode 322: The One With The Screamer, it's the end of
 Joey's play.]
 Lauren: So this is it? Victor?
 Joey: Yeah, I guess it is. And so  I'm gonna get on this
 spaceship, (Smoke starts pouring in from the ceiling, and a ladder comes down, with
 flashing, colored lights on the side of it) and I'm gonna go to Blargon 7 in search
 of alternative fuels. But when I return, 200 years from now, you'll be long gone. But
 I won't have aged at all. (Gets on the ladder) So you tell your
 great-great-granddaughter to look me up, because Adrienne  baby I'm gonna
 want to meet her.
 (The ladder retracts, taking Joey up into the spaceship for his voyage to Blargon 7.)
 [The next one is from Episode 204: The One With Phoebe's Husband, when everyone
 including Julie is watching Joey in his porno.]
 Joey: Shh, OK, here I come, here I come. See I'm comin' to fix the copier, I
 can't get to the copier, I'm thinkin' what do I do, what do I do so I just watch 'em
 have sex. And then I say, wait, here's my line, (Joey from TV) you know that's bad for
 the paper tray.
 Chandler: Nice work my friend.
 Joey: Thank you. Wait-wait-wait-wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's
 butt's blockin' me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am
 [Cut to the interview.]
 Joey: Well, there are so many things, it's hard to pick just one.
 [Cut to the gang.]
 Phoebe: I'm gonna get some coffee, anyone want anything?
 Rachel: Oh yeah, I'd actually love a blueberry muffin and a chamomile tea.
 Ross: Uh, double latte, extra foam.
 Chandler: And a bagel with only
 Phoebe: (interrupting him) I was just being polite!
 [Cut to the interview.]
 The Interviewer: Okay, how about when you're not working. What do you do in
 your spare time?
 [This starts another series of flashbacks about Joey's hobbies. The first one is
 from Episode 703: The One With Phoebe's Cookies, Rachel is teaching Joey how to sail
 his boat, the Mr. Bowmont.]
 Joey: (drinking a beer) Look at this clown! Just because he's got a
 bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. (Yelling) Get out of the way
 jackass! (To Rachel) Who names their boat Coast Guard anyway?
 Rachel: That is the Coast Guard.
 Joey: What are they doing out here? The coast's all the way over there.
 (Points to the coast.)
 [The next one is from Episode 603: The One With Ross's Denial, Joey is amazing
 Phoebe and Monica by holding his breath.]
 Chandler: (entering) Hey!
 Phoebe: Hey! Check it out! This is unbelievable! Joey has been holding his
 breath for almost four minutes!
 (We see Joey who has puffed up his cheeks and Chandler nonchalantly reaches down and
 pinches Joey's nose shut. In a few seconds, Joey has to move because he's now
 forced to actually hold his breath.)
 Joey: (To Chandler) Dude! What are yo you trying to kill me?!
 [The next one is from Episode 507: The One Where Ross Moves In.]
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's and Ross's, Chandler is entering and when he closes the
 door Joey pops his head out of the fort like before, but this time he's wearing a cowboy
 hat.]
 Chandler: Well, I see you've had a very productive day. Don't you think the
 cowboy hat is a little much?
 Ross: (popping up behind Joey wearing an Indian headdress) Come on, it's
 fun!
 Chandler: All right! (He joins them in the fort and comes up putting on a
 bonnet.) Isn't this a woman's hat?
 Joey: Dude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea!
 (Chandler does so.)
 [The next one is from Episode 417: The One With The Free Porn, Chandler and Joey are
 lamenting the fact that every beautiful woman they see doesn't want to have sex right
 then and there like in porn.]
 Chandler: Y'know what, we have to turn off the porn.
 Joey: I think you're right.
 (Goes over and picks up the remote.)
 Chandler: All right, ready?
 Joey: One.
 Chandler: Two.
 Both: Three.
 (Chandler turns off the porn and sets the remote down.)
 Joey: That's kinda nice.
 Chandler: Yeah, that's kinda a relief.
 Joey: Yeah.
 (Pause.)
 Chandler: You wanna see if we still have it?
 Joey: Yeah.
 (Chandler turns on the TV and )
 Chandler: FREE PORN!!!
 Joey: Yeah!!
 Chandler: We have free porn here!!!
 [Cut to the interview.]
 Joey: In my spare time I uh, read to the blind. And I'm also a mento for
 the kids.(The gang shake their heads.) Y'know a mento, a role model. (Chandler bites
 his fist to keep from talking.)
 The Interviewer: A mento


Joey: Right.
 The Interviewer: Like the candy?
 Joey: Matter of fact, I do.
 (Chandler tries to jump over the couch but everyone stops him.)
 The Interviewer: Well umm, another thing our readers always want to know is how
 our soap stars stay in such great shape. Do you have some kind of fitness regime?
 Joey: Uh, we stars just try to eat right and get lots of exercise.
 [Another set of flashbacks begin with Episode 521: The One With The Ball, Joey and Ross
 are throwing a ball around.]
 Joey: Wow! You realize that we've been throwing this ball, without dropping
 it, for like an hour?
 Ross: Are you serious?!
 Joey: Yeah. I realized it about a half-hour ago but I didn't want to say
 anything 'cause I didn't want to jinx it.
 Ross: Wow! We are pretty good at this!
 Joey: Yeah!
 Ross: Hey! We totally forgot about lunch!
 Joey: Oh, I-I, I think that's the first time I ever missed a meal! (Checks
 his pants.) Yeah, my pants are a little loose!
 [The next one is from Episode 604: The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance.]
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler enters to find Joey lying in the fetus position
 on the floor.]
 Chandler: What's wrong with you?
 Joey: Nothing! Well, I-I got this blinding pain in my stomach when I was
 lifting weights before, then I uh passed out and uh, haven't been able to stand up
 since. But um, I don't think it's anything serious.
 Chandler: This sounds like a hernia. You have to you-you Go to the
 doctor!
 Joey: No way!  Kay look, if I have to go to the doctor for anything
 it's gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach! (Rolls over and shows
 Chandler.) Why did I have to start working out again? (Looks at the weights he was using.)
 Damn you 15s!
 [The next one is from Episode 609: The One Where Ross Got High, Rachel is describing
 her desert to Joey and Ross.]
 Rachel: It's a trifle. It's got all of these layers. First
 there's a layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of jam, then custard, which I made from
 scratch. [Joey and Ross make impressed faces] Then raspberries, more ladyfingers, then
 beef sauteed with peas and onions, [Joey and Ross look like something's wrong.] then
 a little more custard, and then bananas, and then I just put some whipped cream on top!
 [Time lapse, Ross and Joey are eating Rachel's disaster.]
 Ross: It tastes like feet!
 Joey: I like it.
 Ross: Are you kidding?
 Joey: What's not to like? Custard? Good. Jam? Good. Meat? Goooooood.
 [The next one is from Episode 619: The One With Joey's Fridge.]
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Chandler is entering to find Joey bingeing on the
 food from the fridge. Joey isn't doing all that well.]
 Joey: The fridge broke. I have to eat everything. Cold cuts, ice cream,
 limes Hey, what was in that brown jar?
 Chandler: That's still in there?!
 Joey: Not anymore.
 [The next one is from Episode 711: The One With All the Cheesecakes.]
 [Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Rachel are on their knees with forks trying to
 salvage what they can of the cheesecake off of the floor.]
 Rachel: Oh! Yay! Look! There's a piece that doesn't have floor on
 it!
 Chandler: Stick to your side!
 Rachel: Hey, come on now!
 (Joey finishes climbing the stairs and sees them. Chandler and Rachel both stop and
 look up at him. Joey sits down on the step.)
 Joey: (pulls out a fork) All right, what are we havin'? (Starts digging
 in.)
 [Cut to the interview.]
 Joey: Uhh, I don't believe in these crazy diets y'know, just
 everything in moderation.
 Gunther: Your muffins. (Sets down a huge plate of muffins in front of
 Joey.)
 Joey: I'll take those to go. (To the interviewer) For the kids.
 The Interviewer: Oh, I know what I wanted to ask you. You were on the show years
 ago and then they killed you off. What happened there?
 Joey: It was so stupid, I said some stuff in an interview that I shouldn't
 have said. But believe me, that's not gonna happen today.
 The Interviewer: Understood. So, what'd you say back then?
 Joey: Well, I said that I  (The gang jumps up and interrupts him.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]
 Joey: You guys, this is Shelley, she's interviewing me for Soap Opera
 Digest, and Shelley, this are my friends
 Rachel: (interrupting him) Hi! I'm gal pal Rachel Green, and if you want
 the dirt, I'm the one you come too. This might be Joey's baby (rubbing her
 stomach), who knows? I'm just kidding Seriously, (leans into the cassette
 recorder Shelley is using) gal pal Rachel Green.
 Ross: (leaning into the recorder as well) Who just lost the respect of her
 unborn child.
 The Interviewer: Umm, I'm gonna just go get this warmed up. (She takes her
 coffee mug up to the counter.)


Joey: Okay.
 Monica: Joey! You're doing great!
 Ross: Yeah, so far nothing stupid.
 Chandler: Mento?
 Joey: No thanks.
 The Interviewer: (returning) So, as Joey's friends, is there anything that
 you guys think our readers ought to know?
 Ross: Uh no, no just-just that he is a great guy.
 Rachel: (scoffs at him) Yeah, that's gonna get you into Soap Opera
 Digest. Well I (leans into the microphone again) I would just like to say
 that Joey truly has enriched the days of our lives.
 Phoebe: Umm, I I just think you don't expect someone so hot to be so
 sweet.
 The Interviewer: Oh! I like that. What's your name?
 Phoebe: Umm, Phoebe Buffay.
 The Interviewer: How do you spell that? So we can get it right.
 Phoebe: Oh okay, it's P as in Phoebe, H as in hoebe, O as in oebe, E as in
 ebe, B as in bee-bee and E as in (In an Australian accent)  Ello there mate!
 The Interviewer: Great! Well, it was nice meeting all of you.
 Ross: Yeah, you too.
 Rachel: You too!
 Chandler: Thanks.
 Monica: Bye. (They resume their previous positions.)
 The Interviewer: So it seems like you have a lot of friends, who would you say
 is your best friend?
 [They gang all lean back to listen better, and this starts another series of
 flashbacks. The first one is from Episode 214: The One With The Prom Video, Rachel has
 just found the bracelet that Joey gave Chandler, which is after he bought one to replace
 it.]
 Joey: How come you have two?
 Chandler: Well this one's for you.
 Joey: Get out.
 Chandler: No, I can't. No-no, listen, I, I know how much this means to you and I
 also know that this is about more than just jewelry, (Puts bracelet on Joey) it's about
 you and me and the fact that we're (Reading bracelet) best buds.
 Joey: Wow, is this friendship? I think so. Check it out, we're bracelet buddies.
 Chandler: That's what they'll call us.
 [The next one is from Episode 618: The One Where Ross Dates A Student.]
 [Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey and Rachel are eating spaghetti in the living room while
 watching TV and Rachel drops some on the floor.]
 Rachel: Oh, Joey! Sorry!
 Joey: No that's all right. Don't worry about it.
 Rachel: Oh but look! That's gonna leave a stain!
 Joey: Rach! Hey! It's fine! You're at Joey's!
 Rachel: Really?
 Joey: Yeah! Look! (He throws some of his spaghetti on the floor.)
 Rachel: I've never lived like this before.
 Joey: I know.
 (Rachel throws some of hers down.)
 Joey: All right, don't waste it, I mean its still food. (He picks it up and
 eats it.)
 [The next one is from Episode 224: The One With Barry And Mindy's Wedding, Joey
 has to kiss a guy in an audition and has been trying to find one to practice with.]
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is reading a script as Ross enters]
 Ross: All right I've been feeling incredibly guilty about this, because I wanna
 be a good friend, and damnit I am a good friend. So just, just shut up and close your eyes
 (kisses Joey).
 Joey: Wow, you are a good friend, 'course the audition was this morning, and I
 didn't get it. But that was a hell of a kiss. Rachel is a very lucky girl.
 [The next one is from Episode 512: The One With Chandler's Work Laugh, Joey and
 Phoebe are betting on who will reach the treat the fastest, the chick or the duck.]
 Joey: All right. Let's get the contestants out of their isolation booths.
 (He removes the waste bucket that's over the duck and the laundry basket that's over the
 chicken.) And they're off! (He puts his foot in front of the chick, stopping it from
 moving.)
 Phoebe: Get your foot off my contestant! Judge!
 Joey: Judge rules, no violation.
 Phoebe: Ohhh.
 Joey: And the duck gets the Nutter-Butter!
 Phoebe: (turning from Ross.) No!! Hey-hey that's not a Nutter-Butter, that's
 just an old Wonton!
 Joey: Judge rules, Nutter-Butter.
 Phoebe: Ohh, tough call.
 Joey: Yeah.
 [The next one is from Episode 401: The One With The Jellyfish, where Monica, Joey, and
 Chandler are relating that tragic day they spent on the beach.]
 Joey: I'd seen this thing on The Discovery Channel...
 Ross: Wait a minute! I saw that! On The Discovery Channel, yeah!
 About jellyfish and how if you... (Stops suddenly and turns to look at Monica) Ewwww!! You
 peed on yourself?!
 Phoebe and Rachel: Ewwww!!
 Monica: You can't say that!! You-you don't know!! I mean I thought
 I was gonna pass out from the pain! Anyway I-I tried, but I-I couldn't...bend that
 way. So... (Looks at Joey.)
 Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel: (turning to look at Joey) Ewwww!!
 Joey: That's right I stepped up! She's my friend and she needed
 help! And if I had too, I'd pee on anyone of you!
 [Cut to the interview.]


Joey: Umm, no. No best friend, no. Just a lot of close friends.
 The Interviewer: So umm, now back to the show. How does it feel to have a huge
 gay fan base?
 Joey: Really? Me? Wow! I don't even know any huge gay people!
 [Cut to the gang.]
 Chandler: It hurts me. It physically hurts me.
 [Cut to the interview.]
 The Interviewer: Now, off the record, you're not
 [Another group of flashbacks begin with Episode 513: The One With Joey's Bag. Joey
 is carrying the bag and has entered Central Perk to the amusement of Ross and Chandler.]
 Joey: What? Are you referring to my man's bag? At first, I thought it just
 looked good, but it's practical too. Check it out! It's got compartments for all your
 stuff! Your wallet! Your keys! Your address book!
 Ross: Your make-up!
 [The next one is from Episode 712: The One Where They're Up All Night, Joey and
 Ross are deciding how to climb down the final part of the fire escape.]
 Ross: Okay. Now-now-now should I climb down your front so we're face to
 face or-or should I climb down your back so we're-we're butt to face.
 Joey: I think face to face.
 Ross: I would say that.
 Joey: Face to face, yeah!
 Ross: Okay, here I go.
 Joey: All right.
 (Ross steps onto the bottom rung of the ladder and then steps on Joey's chest.)
 Joey: (grunting) Oh my  How much do you weigh Ross?!
 Ross: I prefer not to answer that right now, I'm still carrying a little
 holiday weight.
 (Ross continues to climb down. He puts his other foot further down on Joey's
 torso, but that doesn't work very well and he's forced to wrap his legs around
 Joey. Which then forces Joey to get a nice and close view of Ross's crotch.)
 Joey: Y'know, when we talked about face to face, I don't think we
 thought it all the way through.
 [The next one is from Episode 722: The One With Chandler's Dad.]
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Joey enters strutting.]
 Joey: Hey Pheebs! (He sits down next to her.)
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Joey: Check it out. (He turns around, pulls down his pants, and shows Phoebe
 that he's got panties on.) How much of a man am I?!
 Phoebe: Wow! Nice! Manly and also kind of a slut.
 [The next one is from Episode 608: The One With Ross's Teeth, Chandler is accusing
 Joey of becoming less of a man.]
 Chandler: You're turning into a woman.
 Joey: No I'm not. Why would you say that? That's just mean.
 Chandler: Now I've upset you? What did I say?
 Joey: It's not what you said. It's the way you said it  Oh My
 God, I'm a woman!!!
 [The next one is from Episode 706: The One With The Nap Partners.]
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are napping together again and both wake up at
 the same time.]
 Joey: Great nap.
 Ross: It really was.
 (Suddenly Rachel clears her throat and the camera cuts to the rest of the gang staring
 at them. Needless to say Joey and Ross are shocked and slowly turn their heads to see the
 gang.)
 [Cut to the interview.]
 Joey: Uh me? Gay? No! No. No, but I have a number of close friends who are.
 (Chandler and Ross look at each other.)
 The Interviewer: So, let's talk about women. I'm sure our female
 readers will be interested to know about your romantic life.
 [Another series of flashbacks begins with Episode 413: The One With Rachel's
 Crush, Joey is telling Rachel and Phoebe how he picks up women.]
 Joey: Oh-oh-oh-oh, how I do it is, I look a woman up and down and say,
 'Hey, how you doin'?'
 Phoebe: Oh, please!
 Joey: (to Phoebe) Hey, how you doin'?
 (Phoebe looks at him, and then giggles and looks away.)
 [The next one is from Episode 605: The One With Joey's Porsche.]
 [Scene: The street, Joey is messing with a car cover and still wearing the Porsche
 stuff. This guy playing street football catches a pass next to the car cover Joey is
 fooling around with.]
 Joey: Hey! How you doin'?
 Woman: (to her friend) He has the most amazing Porsche under there!
 Joey: I'd love to show ya, but I just tucked her in. She's sleeping.
 (The women both laugh) Hey uh, would you two girls like to go for a drink? (Just then the
 same guy with the football dives to make a catch, lands on the car cover, and collapses
 it. It turns out that Joey set up a bunch of boxes to make it look like a Porsche.)
 [The next one is from Episode 613: The One With Rachel's Sister, Chandler has just
 opened the door to reveal a woman standing there.]
 Woman: Hi, is Rachel here? I'm her sister.
 Rachel: Oh my God, Jill!
 Jill: Oh my God, Rachel!
 (They run and hug each other.)


 The One With The Baby Shower
 The One With The Baby Shower
 Written by: Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Phoebe are preparing for Rachel's baby
 shower.]
 Rachel: (entering) Hi!
 Monica: Hey!
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Rachel: So what's the final head count on my baby shower?
 Phoebe: About twenty, a couple people from work who had something else to do.
 Monica: Also both of your sisters called and neither can make it.
 Rachel: What?! You mean they're not coming to a social event where
 there's no men and there's no booze?! That's shocking! I don't care,
 as long as my mom's here.
 Monica: Oh my God, your mother!
 Rachel: What?! My mom's not gonna be here?!
 Monica: Well, given that we forgot to invite her it would be an awfully big
 coincidence if she was.
 Rachel: My God!
 Monica: Well it wasn't my fault, Phoebe was in charge of the invitations!
 Phoebe: Well I don't, I don't have a mother so often I forget that
 other people
 Monica: (interrupting her) Oh give it a rest!
 Rachel: So my mother is not coming to my baby shower?!
 Phoebe: No. (Pause) Neither is mine.
 Monica: Okay, y'know what? Don't worry, okay? We'll take care of
 it. We'll call her. Just go home and get ready.
 Rachel: Please, make sure she comes. It's really important to me, I mean
 it's my mom!
 Phoebe: I know. I know, what's her number?
 Rachel: I don't know.
 Monica: Go! I have it in my book. Go! (Rachel leaves and Monica calls Mrs.
 Green.) (To Phoebe) Wait a minute! If you're in charge of the invitations why am I
 the one who has to call her Hello Mrs. Green! Hi, it's Monica Geller.
 Mrs. Green: Oh, hello Monica.
 Monica: (on phone) Hi, umm I know this is last minute, but we've decided to
 throw an impromptu baby shower for Rachel today.
 Mrs. Green: I know, my daughter's told me about it when they received their
 impromptu invitations a month ago.
 Monica: Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm-I'm so sorry.
 Mrs. Green: For what dear? For not inviting me or lying about it?
 Monica: (To Phoebe) Oh my God, my ass is sweating! (on phone) Please! Please!
 Can you come? It's today at four.
 Mrs. Green: Well all right. I'll see you at four.
 Monica: Thank you. (Hangs up.)
 Phoebe: Isn't it at three?
 Monica: Son of a bitch! (Calls Mrs. Green again.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Joey's Apartment, Joey is reading a script as Ross and Chandler enter carrying
 a basketball.]
 Chandler: Hey Joe! You wanna shoot some hoops?
 Joey: Oh no, I can't go. I'm practicing; I got an audition to be the
 host of a new game show.
 Ross: Oh cool!
 Chandler: That's great.
 Joey: Yeah-yeah, and if I get it by day I'll (In a sexy voice) Dr. Drake
 Remoray, but by night I'll be (In an announcer's voice) Joey Trrrribbiani!
 Chandler: You'll be perfect for this! That's already your name!
 Joey: But the audition's in a couple hours and I don't even understand
 the game.
 Ross: Well do you want some help?
 Joey: Oh really? That'd be great! You guys can be the contestants!
 Ross: Awesome!
 Chandler: Okay, I guess we can lose to junior high girls some other time.
 Joey: (announcer voice) All right! Let's play Bamboozled!
 Chandler: Bamboozled?
 Joey: Yeah, isn't that a cool name?
 Ross: (simultaneously with Chandler) Yeah!
 Chandler: (simultaneously with Ross) No!
 Joey: All right. Uhh, okay. Our first contestant is Ross Geller. Why don't
 you tell us a little something about you Ross?
 Ross: Well uh, I-I'm a paleontologist. Umm, I-I live in New York. I have a
 son Ben. Uh, hi Ben! (Waves.) And uh
 Joey: I said a little bit Ross. Now, how about you Chandler?
 Chandler: Well Joey, I'm a headhunter. I hook up out of work Soviet
 scientists with rogue third-world nations. Hi Rasputin! (Waves.)
 Joey: Excellent! Let's play Bamboozled! Chandler, you'll go first.
 What is the capital of Columbia?
 Chandler: Bogota.
 Joey: It's Ba-go-ta, but close enough. Now, you can either pass your turn
 to Ross or pick a Wicked Wango card.
 Chandler: What does a Wicked Wango card do?
 Joey: I should know that. Let's see, just one moment please. Umm, here we
 are, a Wicked Wango card determines whether you go higher or lower.
 Chandler: Higher or lower than what?
 Joey: This is embarrassing. (Looks it up.)
 Chandler: (To Ross) Can you believe how lame this is?
 Ross: I'm sorry, I don't believe contestants are allowed to talk to
 each other.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel's baby shower is underway. Monica and Phoebe
 are working in the kitchen.]
 Phoebe: Oh, I told the stripper to be here at five. That's good right?
 Monica: You ordered a stripper for the shower?! That is totally inappropriate!


Phoebe: What? He's gonna be dressed as a baby! (Mrs. Green enters.) Oh hi
 Mrs. Green!
 Monica: Hi!
 Phoebe: I'm so glad you could make it.
 Monica: Yes, thank you so much. And again, we're so sorry. We could not
 feel worse about it.
 Mrs. Green: Try. There's my little girl. (Goes over to Rachel.)
 Monica: She's still mad.
 Phoebe: Yeah I know. Isn't it great? One less person we have to make small
 talk with.
 Monica: Phoebe, Sandra's mad at you too. It-it doesn't bother you?
 Phoebe: No look, we've apologized twice! I can't do anymore than that.
 I know you hate it when people are mad at you but you just have to be okay with it.
 Monica: Okay. I can do that. (Pause) I gotta go powder my ass.
 [Cut to Rachel and Mrs. Green.]
 Mrs. Green: Look at that face! Just like when you were in high school! If I
 didn't know better I'd say you were a cheerleader in trouble. Come on,
 let's get some tea.
 Rachel: Okay. (Mrs. Green helps her up and they walk over and get some tea.)
 Mrs. Green: Oh my look at that. Only three weeks to go, now have you picked your
 nanny yet? Now I don't want you to use your housekeeper  cause it would just
 split her focus.
 Rachel: Oh well actually gonna use a nanny and uh, I don't even have a
 housekeeper.
 Mrs. Green: It's like you're a cave person. Rachel, you must get a
 nanny. You don't know how overwhelming this is going to be. I mean when you were a
 baby I had full time help, I had Mrs. Kay.
 Rachel: Mrs. Kay! Oh yeah, she was sweet. She taught me Spanish. I actually
 think I remember some of it, tu madre es loca. (I think that's your mother's
 crazy.)
 Mrs. Green: Such a sweet woman.
 Rachel: Well, however great she was I just can't afford that.
 Mrs. Green: Oh Rachel!
 Rachel: What?
 Mrs. Green: I just had the greatest idea! I'm gonna come live with you!
 Rachel: Wh-wh-what? What?
 Mrs. Green: Oh, I'm so happy I'm gonna do this for my little girl. Aw,
 look at you. You have tears in your eyes.
 Rachel: Yes. Yes I do.
 [Scene: Joey's Apartment, the guys are still playing Bamboozled.]
 Joey: All right Ross you're in the lead, would you like to take another
 question or spin the Wheel of Mayhem?
 Ross: The wheel has not been my friend tonight Joey. Uh, I'll take another
 question.
 Joey: Okay, this is gonna be tough. Hold your breath.
 Ross: It's okay, I'm ready.
 Joey: No dude, you gotta hold your breath until you're ready to answer the
 question.
 Chandler: This is ridiculous, he's not gonna hold his breath  (Ross
 cuts him off by taking a deep breath and holding it.)
 Joey: Okay, what do you have a fear of if you suffer from this phobia,
 Tris Holy cow, that's a big word. Trisc  Seriously look at this thing.
 Chandler, how do you say that?
 Chandler: Let me see that.
 Joey: This one right here. (Ross whines.)
 Chandler: Triscadecaphobia.
 Ross: (exhaling) The fear of Triscuts!
 Joey: No! No, fear of the number 13.
 Chandler: Fear of Triscuts?
 Ross: It's possible, they have really sharp edges.
 Joey: All right Chandler, you're up.
 Ross: Wait a minute, I-I believe I'm entitled to use my Angel Pass for a
 free turn?
 Chandler: This game makes no sense!
 Ross: Y'know what? You're just upset because you're losing.
 Chandler: Oh come on Ross, I think we're all losers here.
 Joey: All right. Chandler, you can either spin the wheel or pick a Google card.
 Chandler: Let me think. Let me think Oh! I don't care.
 Joey: You-you must choose Mr. Bing.
 Chandler: Either, it makes no difference.
 Joey: Choose, you jackass!
 Chandler: I'll take a card.
 Joey: Okay, you picked the Gimmie card! You get all of Ross's points!
 Ross: What?!
 Chandler: This game is kinda fun.
 Ross: (To Chandler) You don't think it's a little crazy that you get
 all my points just  cause you
 Chandler: I don't think the contestants are supposed to speak to each
 other.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the baby shower is continuing as Rachel walks over to
 Monica and Phoebe.]
 Rachel: Why did you invite my mother?!
 Monica: What?
 Rachel: She wants to move in with me and Ross to help take care of the baby.
 Phoebe: For how long?
 Rachel: Eight weeks. I mean I love my mother, but my God, a long lunch with her
 is taxing.
 Monica: I personally would be honored if she wanted to live with me.
 Phoebe: She can't hear you.
 Rachel: What? You guys, come on! What am I going to do?
 Phoebe: Well, if you don't want your mother to move in with you, just tell
 her.


Rachel: You're right. You're right. I mean I'm about to have a
 baby, I can tell my mother that I don't want her to just be sleeping on my couch! Oh
 my God! She's gonna want to sleep in my bed with me. This cannot happen!
 Monica: That's right. That is right, you go over there and tell her you
 don't want her to live with you. Do not take no for an answer!
 Rachel: Okay. (She goes over to tell her mother.)
 Monica: (To Phoebe) This is great! Now she's gonna be mad at Rachel!
 Y'know what? And I'm just gonna swoop in there and be like the daughter she
 never had.
 Phoebe: I have new respect for Chandler. All right everybody! It's time to
 open the presents!
 Monica: Yes! Yes! And I think that the first gift that Rachel opens
 should be from the grandmother of the baby, because you're the most important person
 in this room. And in the world!
 Mrs. Green: Well uh, I don't have a gift because I wasn't invited
 until the last minute, but thank you so much for bringing that to everyone's
 attention.
 Phoebe: How about you less important people, let's open your presents!
 (Mrs. Green goes into the kitchen and Rachel follows her.)
 Rachel: Mom that's okay that you didn't get you a gift!
 Mrs. Green: Well, I kinda did. Me. Eight weeks of me.
 Rachel: Oh yeah. Okay, see mom, the truth is I can do this on my own.
 Mrs. Green: Sweetheart I know you're gonna be terrific mom, I just think
 you need a little help, especially at the beginning.
 Rachel: But mom, I really know what I'm doing. I can handle this.
 Mrs. Green: Really? Remember Twinkles?
 Rachel: He was a hamster! I am not going to vacuum up my baby!
 Phoebe: Okay, come on Rach it's present time! Y'know you're the
 glue that's holding this whole party together. It's kinda falling apart here.
 Mrs. Green: Oh look.
 Rachel: Wow!
 Phoebe: Okay, this is from your friend at work.
 Rachel: Oh my gosh! Oh wow! Oh, I know what this is! (She's holding an item
 with a large suction cup connected to a yellow plastic box, with a long narrow tube and
 bottle connected the yellow part.) Wait a minute. That can't be right. Is that a beer
 bong for a baby?
 Mrs. Green: Darling, that's a breast pump!
 Rachel: Did I say I was done guessing? Okay, thank you for that. Oh wow!
 What's this?
 Woman: It's a diaper genie.
 Rachel: Oh, it dispenses clean diapers!
 Woman: No! It's where you put the dirty ones!
 Rachel: Well that's gross, why don't you just take it outside and
 throw it in a dumpster?
 Mrs. Green: Oh you're gonna do that ten times a day?
 Rachel: What?! It goes ten times a day! What are we feeding this baby?! Indian
 food?!
 Mrs. Green: No dear, that's what babies do.
 Monica: Rachel, listen to your mother. She is very smart.
 Mrs. Green: Plus, what are you planning on doing with the baby while you're
 trotting out to the garbage ten times a day?
 Rachel: I don't know, I'd leave it on the changing table? (Everyone
 gasps.) What?! What'd I do? What'd I do?!
 Mrs. Green: You can't leave a baby alone!
 Rachel: Oh come (Stutters) Of course I know that. I mean of course you
 never leave a baby alone! I mean who would she wouldn't be safe as she would be
 with me, the baby dummy. Oh God, okay. Y'know what? I think opening the presents
 right now is a little overwhelming right now. So I think umm, I'm just gonna maybe
 open them a little bit later, but thank you all for coming. And for these beautiful gifts,
 and this basket is beautiful.
 Woman: It's actually a bassinet.
 Rachel: Okay mommy, don't ever leave me. (Hugs her.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Joey's Apartment, the guys are still playing the game only everyone is really
 into it.]
 Joey: (To Chandler) In what John Houston film would you hear this line,
 'Badges? We don't need no stinkin' badges!'
 Chandler: Treasure of the Sierra Madre!
 Joey: Correct! There's a possible backwards bonus!
 Chandler: Madre Sierra the of Treasure!
 Joey: Yes!
 Chandler: I'd like to go up the ladder of chance to the golden mud hut
 please.
 Joey: Wise choice, how many rungs?
 Chandler: Six!
 Joey: (makes a sound like a monkey) That noise can only me one thing.
 Chandler: (disappointed and simultaneously as Ross) Hungry monkey.
 Ross: (excited and simultaneously as Chandler) Hungry monkey! (To Chandler)
 Haaa! (To Joey) I'd like a Wicked Wango card!
 Joey: Okay, it's an audio question, name this television theme song.
 (Starts humming the theme to I Dream of Genie.)
 Ross: (thinking) Oh. (Pause) Oh! Oh my God! Okay, I know this, give me-give me a
 second!
 Chandler: Tell it to the Time Turtle!


Ross: Shut up! I Dream of Genie!
 Joey: Yes! Yes, you're back in the lead!
 Ross: I'd like to spin the wheel!
 (Joey makes a sound like a game show wheel spinning with the pointer bouncing off of
 the bars on the wheel as it slows and comes to a stop.)
 Chandler: (annoyed) Oh come on!!
 Joey: All right! All right! Uh, umm, Super-Speedy Speed round!
 Ross: Is there a hopping bonus?
 Joey: Of course!
 (Ross gets up and starts to hop on one leg.)
 Joey: Who invented bifocals?
 Ross: Ben Franklin.
 Joey: Correct! Which monarch has ruled Great Britain the longest?
 Ross: Queen Victoria.
 Joey: Correct again! But, you forgot to switch legs between questions, so no
 hopping bonus!
 Ross: Noooo!!! Every time!!!
 Joey: Now, over to Chandler.
 Chandler: I'd like a Google Card.
 Joey: Are you sure?
 Chandler: Yes! (Pause) No! (Pause) Google!
 Joey: Oh my God! Congratulations Ross, because Chandler, you've been
 Bamboozled!
 Chandler: Nooo!!
 Ross: Yeah!!
 Chandler: This is the best game ever!!!
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the baby shower has ended and everyone except for Mrs.
 Green have left who is talking to Rachel while Monica and Phoebe are cleaning up.]
 Rachel: So umm, you're gonna stay with me as long as I need you?
 Mrs. Green: Of course I am!
 Rachel: Oh mom, I swear I'm not an idiot. I've read all kinds of books
 on pregnancy and giving birth, but I-I just didn't think to read the part about what
 to do when the baby comes. And-and then guess what? The baby's coming and I
 don't know what to do. Oh, can I throw up in my diaper genie?
 Mrs. Green: No. Sweetie, you're gonna be fine. (Starts to get up.)
 Rachel: Wait-wait where are you going? Where are you going?
 Mrs. Green: I'm going to the bathroom.
 Rachel: Okay.
 Mrs. Green: Now don't worry! Everything's gonna be okay. (Hugs Rachel
 while she is standing and Rachel is sitting, seeing this Monica decides to join in on the
 hugging by hugging Mrs. Green from behind her back.)
 Monica: It is going to be okay! (Mrs. Green glances over her shoulder and
 glares at Monica while she heads for the bathroom.) It was worth a shot.
 Ross: (entering, out of breath) Hey!
 Phoebe: Hey! Why are you all red and sweaty?
 Ross: I just Bamboozled Chandler! (Flexes in victory while everyone stares at
 him.) Which is not uh sexual thing. That was a quick shower.
 Phoebe: Not if you were here.
 Ross: Wow! It looks like we got a lot of good stuff.
 Rachel: Oh we did, but my mom got us the greatest gift of all.
 Ross: (excited) A Play-Dough Barber Shop?
 Rachel: No. She's going to live with us for eight weeks.
 Ross: Uh, what?
 Rachel: Yes! She's gonna help us take care of the baby! Woo-hoo. (Sees that
 Ross isn't happy.)
 Ross: What You're not serious. I mean she's a very nice woman,
 but there is no way we can take eight weeks of her. She'll drive us totally crazy.
 Mrs. Green: (entering from bathroom) Hi Ross!
 Ross: Hi roomie! (Hugs her and looks at Rachel.)
 [Scene: Joey's Audition, Joey is being shown in.]
 Man: Hey Joey, hi! I'm Ray; I'm the producer of the show.
 Joey: (announcer voice) It's a pleasure to meet you Ray.
 Ray: And this is Duncan (points to the cameraman) and Erin, they're gonna
 help us out with the audition. So uh, let's get the camera rolling.
 Joey: (announcer voice) Rightie-O Ray!
 Ray: Whenever you're ready.
 Joey: (to the camera) Hello, I'm Joey Tribbiani! Let's play
 Bamboozled! Erin, you get the first question! In hockey, who is known as The Great One?
 Erin: Wayne Gretzky.
 Joey: Correct! Now, would you like to pick a Wicked Wango card or spin the Wheel
 of Mayhem?
 Ray: Uh Joey, didn't your agents give you the revised rules? We've
 eliminated all of that. No wheel, no cards.
 Joey: What Why?!
 Ray: Uh well, the game was too complicated and research showed people
 didn't follow it.
 Joey: Well what's complicated? You spin the Wheel of Mayhem to go up the
 Ladder of Chance. You go past the Mud Hut through the Rainbow Ring to get to the Golden
 Monkey; you yank his tail and boom! You're in Paradise Pond!
 Ray: Yeah all that's gone. It's basically just a simple question and
 answer game now.
 Joey: Well what's fun about that? You expect me to be the host of a boring
 game that's just people standing around answering questions?
 Ray: Well, there'll be women in bikinis holding up the scores.
 Joey: (announcer voice to the camera) Let's play Bamboozled!
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Mrs. Green is telling Ross what needs to be done to baby
 proof his apartment.]
 Mrs. Green:  and all those dinosaur nick-knacks you have Ross, I thought
 they might be more at home in the garage.


Ross: Well we we don't have a garage.
 Mrs. Green: Did I say garage? I meant garbage.
 Ross: Y'know what? Maybe, Mrs. Green, it's not absolutely vital that
 you live with us.
 Mrs. Green: Well Rachel needs help with the baby.
 Rachel: I do. I really do. I don't know anything.
 Ross: I'm-I'm sure that's not true.
 Rachel: Oh no? Pheebs? Monica? Do I know anything about babies?
 Phoebe: No, not a thing.
 Monica: It's frightening.
 Ross: Well uh, y'know what? Even if she doesn't know anything, I do! I
 have a son. And his mother and I didn't live together, and whenever he was with me I
 took care of him all the time, by myself.
 Mrs. Green: That's true. You do have another child.
 Ross: Yeah.
 Mrs. Green: With another woman. Have you no control Ross?
 Ross: That's a different issue. Uh, the point is, when the baby comes I
 will be there to to feed her and bathe her and change her. And more than that I want
 to do all those things.
 Mrs. Green: Well then you really don't need me to live with you.
 Ross: Yes! Yes, you're gonna be so missed.
 Mrs. Green: You're gonna be a great father.
 Ross: Well you're gonna be a wonderful grandma. (They hug.)
 Rachel: Hello?! I still don't know what the hell I'm doing!
 Ross: Oh, come on, every first time mother feels that way.
 You'll you're gonna pick it up. (Rachel doesn't believe that.) Hey!
 You will! Uh look, y'know when you first came to the city? You were this spoiled
 helpless little girl who-who still used daddy's credit card. Do you remember?
 Rachel: I hope you're going somewhere with this.
 Ross: Look at you! What You're-you're this big executive! You are
 much more capable than you give yourself credit for. I-I have no doubt you're gonna
 be an incredible mother.
 Rachel: Really?
 Ross: I'm telling you.
 Rachel: Thank you. (Hugs him.)
 Mrs. Green: All right you two, I'm gonna get going.
 Ross: Oh. (Rachel and he start to stand up.)
 Mrs. Green: Oh no-no-no-no sweetheart, you stay put. I'll let myself out.
 It's like I'm not here, which I almost wasn't.
 Monica: (laughs) You're still so funny. You're so funny. (To Phoebe)
 What do I do?
 Phoebe: Nothing! You have apologized to her like a million times and she's
 been nothing but terrible to you. And don't forget you just threw her daughter
 a lovely, albeit slightly boring, shower, and she hasn't even thanked you for
 it.
 Monica: Y'know what? You're-you're right.
 Phoebe: Yeah I mean if you want to say anything to her, I'd tell her off.
 Monica: Really?
 Phoebe: Uh-huh!
 Monica: Okay! I will! Mrs. Green? Mrs. Green! (She ignores Monica and Monica
 follows her out into the hall with Phoebe in tow.) It is rude to leave a party without
 saying good-bye to the host! Yeah, and-and also when someone apologizes to you the decent
 thing to do is to accept it! Now what I did to you, it wasn't on purpose! But what
 you're during to me now is just plain spiteful!
 Mrs. Green: Spiteful?!
 Monica: That's right! Maybe it's time you took a good hard look at a
 mirror young lady old lady lady!
 Phoebe: (To Monica) Wrap it up, wrap it up, wrap it up
 Monica: So whenever you're ready to apologize to me, I will forgive you.
 Good day! (Monica and Phoebe reenter the apartment and Monica closes the door on a stunned
 Mrs. Green.) I can't feel my legs!
 Phoebe: You were fantastic! I'm so proud of you!
 Monica: Yeah? I'm proud of me too.
 Phoebe: You should be!
 Monica: Yeah could-could-could you get me something to drink?
 Phoebe: You got it!
 Monica: Okay. (When Phoebe turns around Monica runs out into the hall after Mrs.
 Green.) Mrs. Green! Okay I'm really sorry!! I'm apologizing for the (She
 trips and falls down the stairs.) (Pause) Okay, I bit my tongue, but I'm still
 really sorry!
 Closing Credits
 [Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross is helping Rachel study for when the baby comes.]
 Rachel: (closing a book) Okay! I'm ready.
 Ross: You sure?
 Rachel: Yes, I've done my studying and I really know my stuff.
 Ross: All right then. (Gets up, in an announcer's voice) Rachel Green!
 Let's play Bamboozled! (Reading from a note card.) How do you test the temperature of
 the baby's bath water?
 Rachel: Uh, put your elbow in it.
 Ross: Excellent! How do you put a baby down for a nap?
 Rachel: Full, dry, on its back, and no loose covers.
 Ross: That's correct! This is an audio question, what do you do when the
 baby makes this sound? (Makes a sound like someone is choking a cat.)
 Rachel: Check if it's wet, check if it's hungry, burp it!
 Ross: Excellent! Excellent, now-now do you want another question or a Wicked
 Wango card?
 Rachel: A card! A card! I pick a card!