 The One With the Holiday Armadillo
 The One With the Holiday Armadillo
 Written by: Greg Malins
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is on the phone, Rachel and Monica are
 sitting in the kitchen.]
 Chandler: Buh-bye. (Hangs up the phone) I just got us reservations at
 Michelle's and tickets to the Musicman to celebrate our first holiday season
 as a betroughed couple.
 Monica: Betrothed  (Corrects him)
 Chandler:  betrothed couple.
 Phoebe: (entering carrying a skull) Hey!
 Chandler: Hey!
 Rachel and Monica: Hi!
 Phoebe: Haaaa... (Puts the skull on the table) ... ahhhh!
 Chandler: Pheebs?
 Phoebe: Huh?
 Chandler: Skull?
 Phoebe: Oh, yeah, it's my mom's.
 Rachel: (freaking out) Oh my god!!
 Phoebe: No, no, no. It's not! It's not my mom. It belonged to mom. Yeah, no, she
 used to put it out every Christmas to remind us, that even though it's Christmas, people
 still die. And, you can put candy in it. (She grabs the skull, pulls out a stick of
 licorice, and takes a bite.)
 Ross: (entering) Hey!
 All: Hey!
 Monica: (Offering Ross the skull) Licorice?
 Ross: (Thinking it over) Sure! (Takes one) Hey, I just found out, I get Ben for
 the holidays this year.
 All: Ohh! That's great!
 Monica: Are you gonna dress up as Santa?
 Ross: Nope. I mean, I know Susan does every year, but I think I wanna take this
 year to teach him all about Hanukkah.
 Phoebe: And maybe I could teach Ben about the Christmas skull and how people
 die.
 Rachel: You may need to use this year to teach Ben about Phoebe.
 Ross: Hmm.
 (Joey comes out of the bathroom reading a newspaper)
 Joey: Hey. (He exits)
 Rachel: (to Monica) Did you know he was in there?
 Monica: No.
 Chandler: How long have we been home?
 Monica: About a half an hour.
 Chandler: Lovely!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler gets a cup of coffee and sits down next to
 Monica.]
 Chandler: Hey, you know what I was thinking? When we get married, are you gonna
 change your last name to Bing?
 Monica: No.
 Chandler: Why not?
 Monica: Bing's weird.
 Phoebe: (entering) Oh, hey, you guys!
 Chandler: Hey!
 Monica: Hey!
 Phoebe: Hey. Guess what! My landlord just called and my apartment is gonna get
 ready soon, so I guess I'll be moving out.
 Monica: Ahh, Phoebe, I'm gonna miss you!
 Phoebe: Yes, you will be very sad. All right, well I gotta go tell Rachel the
 good news.
 Chandler: Ohh! You guys gonna be living together again?
 Phoebe: Yeah, why not?
 Chandler: Well, she's just so much fun with Joey, I just assumed, she'd still be
 living with him.
 Phoebe: Why do you think she's having so much fun living with Joey?
 Chandler: No reason, except she told me.
 Phoebe: Really? So she said, she didn't wanna live with me anymore?
 Chandler: No! No, she didn't say that. I-I-I think you should talk to Monica
 now.
 Monica: Phoebe, don't worry about it. I'm sure she wants to live with you.
 Phoebe: You're sure? You're absolutely sure?
 Monica: Well, no. But, um, I bet she probably does.
 Phoebe: Probably? Yeah, I don't like that word. (Chandler and Monica look
 surprised) Kind of what  probably' really means. Yeah, uh-huh. Yeah, oh,
 'Your mom probably won't kill herself,' y'know? I'm sorry, but I'm not
 hanging all my hopes of Rachel and I living together on-on 'Probably!'
 Y'know? You gotta take care of yourselves! (She starts to walk out) In this
 world history teaches us nothing! (Exits)
 Chandler: Bing doesn't seem so weird now, does it?
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sitting behind a red drum set.]
 Rachel: (entering) Hey!
 Joey: Hey! Great, you're home! Guess what Phoebe got me for Christmas!
 (Starts drumming.)
 Rachel: Drums?
 Joey: (yelling) No! Drums!
 [Scene: Michelle's, Chandler and Monica enter.]
 Chandler: (to the Maitre d') Hi, could we get two burritos to go, please?
 (Laughs.)
 Monica: I'm sorry. But not that sorry, 'cause you don't have to live with it.
 Um, we have a reservation under the name Chandler Bing.
 Maitre d': Oh-kay, we'll have a table for you in about 45 minutes.
 Chandler: Forty-five minutes? We have tickets to the Musicman at 8:00.
 Maitre d': I'm sorry. Christmas is a very busy time, sir.
 Chandler: Is this because of the burrito thing?
 Monica: (pulling Chandler away from the Maitre d') You need to give him money.
 Chandler: Give him money? It was a joke!
 Monica: No, to get a table! Places like this are always shakin' you down.
 Everybody wants to be paid off.
 Chandler: Right, calm down, O'Mally. I'll slip him some money.
 Monica: You've got to be smooth about it.
 Chandler: Hey, I can be smooth. (Walks back to the Maitre d', very smoothly)
 Listen, we're a little bit in a hurry, so, if you can get us a table a little quicker, I'd
 appreciate it. (Shakes his hand)
 Maitre d': Of course, sir.


Chandler: Okay. (Walks back to Monica)
 Monica: How did it go?
 Chandler: Had the money in the wrong hand. (Shows her his left hand with the
 money in it)
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is whirling Ben around.]
 Ross: Wooooooo, hehehe. Hey, ahh, you don't feel like you're gonna throw up, do
 ya?
 Ben: No.
 Ross: Well, I do, so let's... (Ben and Ross sit down on the couch) So, Ben, you
 uh, you know what holiday is coming up, don't ya?
 Ben: Christmas.
 Ross: Yep, and you know what other holiday is coming up?
 Ben: Christmas eve.
 Ross: Yes, but also (Pauses to let Ben answer, but he doesn't.) Hanukkah!
 See, you're part Jewish, and-and Hanukkah is a Jewish holiday.
 Ben: Santa has reindeers that can fly!
 Ross: Right, um, but, on Hanukkah, Hanukkah is a celebration of a miracle. See,
 years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees.
 Ben: (singing) Jingle bells, jingle bells...
 Ross: (interrupts him) Okay, that's right, yes, but on Hanukkah, uh, we sing, uh
 (Sings) Draydl, draydl, draydl, I made you out of clay.
 Ben: (singing) Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer...
 Ross: (interrupts him again) Okay, it's not a contest.
 Ben: When is Santa coming?
 Ross: Well, how about this year, instead of Santa, we have fun celebrating
 Hanukkah?
 Ben: No Santa? Was I bad?
 Ross: No! Oh, no-no-no. Hey, you weren't bad, you've been very good, Ben.
 Ben: Santa's mad at me.
 Ross: No, hey-hey, come on, (He grabs Ben and sits him on his lap) Ben, Santa is
 not mad at you, okay? Hey, you're-you're his favorite little guy!
 Ben: So Santa's coming?
 Ross: (disappointed) Yes! Santa's coming!
 [Scene: Michelle's, Chandler and Monica are discussing how to bribe the Maitre
 d'.]
 Monica: It's easy! Just keep it casual! Give him a kind word, shake his hand and
 give him the money!
 Chandler: How do you know so much about this?
 Monica: I don't know.
 Chandler: Richard used to do it, didn't he?
 Monica: We'd be eating our soup right now.
 Chandler: Mustached bastard
 Monica: (sees two people exit) Okay, those people just left, come on! Quick!
 Give him the money and get their table!
 Chandler: (walks up to the Maitre d') Excuse me...
 [Chandler can't find his money in the pocket. In the meantime, another couple shows up,
 and Chandler turns away to look for his money]
 Male Guest: (to the Maitre d') Good evening. (Shakes his hand)
 Chandler: (finds his money) Ahh-hahaha! (Turns around to give the Maitre d' his
 money, but he isn't there anymore)
 [Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe comes up the stairs and hears drumming coming from Joey and
 Rachel's, so she enters smiling and then sees that Rachel, not Joey, is the one playing.]
 Rachel: (stopping at Phoebe's entrance) Ha!
 Phoebe: So you like the drums! That's, that's great! Y'know, I was worried,
 that, you know, they would maybe an unbearable living situation. All right, okay, well,
 apparently not! So, yay!
 Joey: Hey-hey, Pheebs, check it out, we already learned a song. (To Rachel)
 Ready? One, two, three, four...
 [Rachel hits some tom-toms and ends up on the 'crash'-cymbal, which is in fact a
 ride-cymbal, but whatever...]
 Rachel and Joey: Tequila!!
 Phoebe: That's fun. (She exits disappointedly.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is serving Chandler and Monica coffee.]
 Gunther: Here you go.
 Chandler: Thank you Gunther, put it there. (He gets up, and shakes Gunther's
 hand. A bunch of coins fall out his hand. He sits down next to Monica.) Definitely not
 easier with coins. (Joey gets up and picks up the coins. Chandler thinks, Joey is just
 helping him to pick them up.) Thank you.
 Joey: Thank you. (He gets up and puts on his jacket.) (Phoebe enters) Hey
 Pheebs!
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Joey: Here. (Gives her the coins) Now I only owe you $49.50.
 Chandler: Hey Pheebs!
 Phoebe: Hey! (she sits down next to him)
 Chandler: If you wanna give Joey a Christmas present that disrupts the entire
 building, why not get him something a little bit more subtle, like a wrecking ball, or a
 phial of small pox to release in the hallway?
 Monica: It's not just the drum noise. Every five minutes, Joey throws his sticks
 in the air, and I have to hear, 'Oh my eye! Oh god, my eye!' I mean, it is so
 annoying.
 Phoebe: Yes, thank you. You see, this is how normal people are supposed to react
 to drums.
 Monica: Phoebe, you got Joey drums to annoy Rachel, so she wouldn't wanna live
 there anymore?
 Phoebe: Maybe on some level.
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sitting behind the drums wearing safety goggles,
 hitting them with his sticks as Rachel watches.]
 Rachel: Joey, y'know that you could just not throw the sticks up in the
 air.
 Joey: What is Rock 'n' Roll about that?
 Phoebe: (entering with an aquarium covered by a towel) Hey, Joey, I got you
 another present. (She puts it on the counter)


Joey: Oh wait, before you tell me what it is! (He plays a drum-roll) Okay, what
 is it?
 Phoebe: It's a tarantula! (Joey almost falls down from his drum-stool
 jumping up) Oh! God! Rachel, look, I'm sorry. What was I thinking giving Joey this big,
 gross, scary spider in such a poorly constructed cage?
 Rachel: What are you talking about? I love them! (Looks into the cage) Yeah, I
 had a tarantula when I was a kid. But it-it died, because my cat ate it. And then, then my
 cat died. But Joey, isn't this cool?
 Joey: Is it on me? I feel, I feel like it's on me! I got, hey! (He storms into
 his room)
 Rachel: Oh, isn't that adorable? Joey is afraid of the tarantula.
 Phoebe: (sarcastic) Ah, yeah, he's so adorable, God, he's just so much fun, Joey
 is the best, I'm glad you're having so much fun here. (She turns around, about to leave)
 Rachel: What? Wait-wait a minute, what? Phoebe, what's the matter?
 Phoebe: Our apartment is ready.
 Rachel: And that makes you angry because
 Phoebe: Because you would rather live here with Joey.
 Rachel: Where did you get that?
 Phoebe: Monica and Chandler said that you were having so much fun here. And
 apparently no amount of drums or tarantulas is gonna change that.
 Rachel: Phoebe?
 Phoebe: Hm?
 Rachel: Did you get all this stuff for Joey to try and drive me out of the
 apartment? Honey, if you wanted to do that, you might as well just gotten him a fish, you
 know how fish freaked me out!
 Phoebe: (nods along) Fish!
 Rachel: It wouldn't have mattered anyway, Phoebe, you and I are, are gonna live
 together, we're roommates; that's the deal.
 Phoebe: Yes, but I wanted you to want to live with me, but okay, if you're
 having so much fun over here
 Rachel: Oh, it's so much more fun with you.
 Phoebe: We did have fun, didn't we?
 Rachel: We did!
 Phoebe: Oh, anyway, they say, if we want, we can see it tonight.
 Rachel: Oh, I would love to!
 Phoebe: Yay, okay!
 Rachel: Good, good, good, good, good. (She runs to the drums and gets the
 sticks)
 Phoebe: Great, all right, okay, and Monica ask me to make the drumming stop.
 Rachel: (with the sticks in her hands) Um... (She goes to the tarantula-cage and
 puts the sticks into it) Done!
 [Scene: Halloween Adventure, a costume shop, there is a salesman behind the
 counter, Ross enters.]
 Ross: Hey!
 Salesman: Hello, Sir. You're here to return those pants?
 Ross: No, these are my pants.
 Salesman: Oh. Okay! How can I help you?
 Ross: Well, uh, do you have a Santa-outfit left?
 Salesman: Two days before Christmas? Sorry, man.
 Ross: Okay look, do-do, you have anything Christmassy? I promised my son, and I
 really don't want to disappoint him, um, come on, I uh, you gotta have something.
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica has just opened the door for Ross who is
 costumed as an Armadillo. Ben is standing next to her.]
 Ross: I'm the holiday armadillo! I'm a friend of Santa's and he sent me here to
 wish you (Points to Ben) a Merry Christmas!
 Monica: What happened to Santa, Holiday Armadillo?
 Ross: (to Monica) Santa was unavailable so close to Christmas.
 Monica: Wow, come in, have a seat. You must be exhausted coming all the way
 from Texas.
 Ben: Texas?
 Ross: That's right, Ben. I'm Santa's representative for all the southern states.
 And Mexico! But, Santa sent me here to give you these presents, Ben. (He tries to bend
 down to pick up the bag with the presents, but can't because of the costume) Maybe the
 Lady will help me with these presents.
 [Monica picks up the bag, while Ross closes the door and hits Monica with his tail.
 They walk into the living room, and Monica empties the bag.]
 Ben: Wow! Thanks!
 Ross: You're welcome, Ben. Merry Christmas, ooh, and Happy Hanukkah!
 Ben: Are you for Hanukkah, too? Because I'm part-Jewish.
 Ross: (gasps) You are? Me, too!
 Monica: Because Armadillos also wandered in the desert?
 Ross: (to Monica) You wanna wander in the hall? (to Ben) Ooh, hey Ben, what if
 the Holiday Armadillo told you all about the Festival of Lights?
 Ben: Cool!
 Ross: Yeah!
 Monica: Come on Ben.
 [Monica and Ben sit down on the couch.]
 Ross: Years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees...
 Chandler: (entering in a Santa costume) Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
 Ben: Santa! (Runs to Chandler and hugs him)
 Chandler: Hey! (Grunts as Ben hits him at full speed.)
 Ross: What are you doing here, Santa?
 Chandler: Well, I'm here to see my old buddy Ben. What are you doing here,
 weird turtle-man?
 Ross: I'm the Holiday Armadillo, your part-Jewish friend. You sent me here to
 give Ben some presents. Remember?
 Chandler: What?
 Ben: Did you bring me any presents, Santa?


Chandler: You bet I did, Ben, put it there! (He shakes Ben's hand, but the money
 falls out of his hands) (to Monica) Well, it would have worked this time, if his hands
 weren't so damn small! (Realizes, that Ben is standing right there) Ho, ho, ho!
 Monica: Okay Ben, why don't you come open some more presents, and Santa, the
 Armadillo, and I have a little talk in the kitchen? There's a sentence, I never thought
 I'd say.
 [They walk to the kitchen; everyone is lowering their voices]
 Ross: (to Chandler) What are you doing?
 Chandler: You called everyone and said you were having trouble finding a Santa
 costume, so I borrowed one from a guy at work!
 Ross: Thank you, but, but you gotta leave.
 Chandler: Why?
 Ross: Because, I'm finally getting him excited about Hanukkah, and, and
 you're-you're wrecking it.
 Chandler: But I didn't get to shake my belly like a bowl full of jelly.
 Ross: I'm sorry, Chandler but this, this is really important to me.
 Chandler: Fine, I'll give the suit back.
 [Ross turns around and walks back to Ben.]
 Monica: (to Chandler) Hey, you think, you can keep it another night? (She has a
 really teasing look on her face and keeps twirling Chandler's beard.)
 Chandler: Santa? Really?
 Monica: Yes, is that okay?
 Chandler: Did your Dad ever dress up like Santa?
 Monica: No.
 Chandler: Then it's okay! (They kiss.)
 Ross: Okay Ben, Santa has to go. Say good-bye!
 Ben: No! Why does he have to go?
 Chandler: Because, if Santa and the Holiday Armadillo? (Ross nods) ...are
 ever in the same room for too long the universe will implode. Merry Christmas!
 Ben: No! Why can't the Armadillo leave? I want Santa!
 Ross: Fine, I-I give up. Santa, Santa can stay.
 Chandler: Well, I'll stay, but only because I wanna hear about Hanukkah. Ben,
 will you sit here with Santa and learn about Hanukkah?
 Ben: Okay, Santa!
 (Ross mouths to Chandler, 'Thank you,' and he mouths, 'You're
 welcome,' back.)
 Ross: All right, it's time for the story of Hanukkah. Years and years ago, there
 were these people called the Maccabees.
 [Joey enters in a Superman-costume]
 Joey: (entering wearing a Superman costume) Merry Christmas!
 [Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, they are entering to check out the newly refurbished
 apartment.]
 Rachel: Oh wow! Look at this place!
 Phoebe: Oh, this is terrible. Oh, they've made so many changes I can't
 even feel my grandmother's presence anymore Ooh! New sconces!
 Rachel: (yelling from another room) Oh my God!
 Phoebe: What?
 Rachel: (returning) Okay, remember uh, remember how you told me that your
 grandmother put up that wall to make that into two bedrooms?
 Phoebe: Yeah?
 Rachel: And remember how you always said you were afraid the landlord would find
 out and then tear it down?
 Phoebe: Yeah?
 Rachel: Do you really not know where I'm going with this? (Phoebe nods,
 'No.') It left! It's one huge room!
 Phoebe: Oh no! (She runs to see.) (Running back, excitedly) Oh! Wow!!!
 Rachel: See?
 Phoebe: Well, I guess we'll just have to put the wall back up.
 Rachel: You can't, because of the new skylight!
 Phoebe: There's a skylight?! (Runs to see and yells from the bedroom.)
 Wow!!
 Rachel: So what should we do? Should we start looking for a new place?
 Phoebe: (returning slowly) Y'know I'm-I'm sensing that um, my
 grandmother would not be comfortable with that.
 Rachel: Oh yeah? Startin' to feel her again there are we?
 Phoebe: A little bit, yeah.
 Rachel: Pheebs is your grandmother maybe saying that you should live here alone?
 Phoebe: You heard her too?! You have the gift!
 Rachel: Phoebe, it's okay. I like living with Joey.
 Phoebe: Are you sure?
 Rachel: Oh please, I hate packing, it's closer to work, and we do have fun.
 Although, I'm really gonna miss living with you.
 Phoebe: Oh me too.
 Rachel: I know. (They hug.) Oh-oh, wait did you hear that-hear that? Listen,
 I'm gettin' something from your grandmother, she said that since you get to keep
 the one bedroom apartment you should give Rachel the purple chair?
 Phoebe: No, I do not hear that.
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Santa (Chandler), Superman (Joey), Ben,
 and Monica are listening to the Holiday Armadillo (Ross) finish telling the story of
 Hanukkah.]
 Ross:  and the miracle was that that little bit of oil that should've
 just lasted just one day, burned for
 Ben: (answering him) Eight whole days.
 Ross: That's right, and that's why we celebrate Hanukkah today. The
 end.
 Ben: Awesome!
 Ross: Yeah?
 Chandler: My favorite part was when Superman flew all the Jews out of
 Egypt. (Glaring at Joey who's nodding.)
 Ross: The Armadillo was actually not so thrilled about that part! Okay
 Ben, it's time to light the Hanukkah candles! (Santa, Superman, Monica, Ben,
 and the Holiday Armadillo go over to the menorah to light the candles.)


 The One With All The Cheesecake
 The One With All The Cheesecakes
 Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 With Help from: Aaron Howard-Miller
 [Scene: Chandler and Monica's, Chandler is sitting at the kitchen table eating
 cheesecake. The box it came in is also on the table.]
 Chandler: Ohh. Mmm.
 Rachel: (Comes in the front door and walks towards the kitchen.) Hi.
 Chandler: Hey, you have got to try this cheesecake.
 Rachel: Oh, y'know I'm not that much of a sweet tooth. I (Chandler
 puts a forkful of the cheesecake in her mouth.) Wow. My God, so creamy. Oh my God,
 this is the best cheesecake I have ever had. Where did you get this? (She reaches over to
 look at the label on the box.)
 Chandler: (nervously) It was at the front door. When I got home. Somebody sent
 it to us.
 Rachel: Chandler, this is not addressed to you. This is addressed to Mrs.
 Braverman downstairs. (Gasping) Thief.
 Chandler: I no! I didn't read the box before I opened it. And you can't
 return a box after you've opened the box.
 Rachel: Why, why not?
 Chandler: Because it's too delicious.
 Rachel: Chandler, you stole this cheesecake. That is wrong.
 Chandler: No-no-no! It is going to be okay, because Mrs. Braverman is gonna send
 away for a free one and that way we all win! The only losers are the big cheesecake
 conglomerate, (Reading the label) Momma's Little Bakery. (Pause) I feel terrible,
 I'm a horrible, horrible, horrible person.
 Rachel: (taking a bite) Oh, I'm sorry, what?
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, everyone except Rachel is there as Joey gets up and starts
 putting on his coat.]
 Joey: All right, I should get going, big day at work. Y'know I'm in a
 coma? Today, they do this test on me and it turns out I'm not brain dead.
 Chandler: So
 Joey: Ah-ah-ah Mr. Smartie Pants, it's just my character that's
 not brain dead. Hey, so Pheebs, we still on for tonight?
 Phoebe: Absolutely!
 Joey: I'll see you at 8:00.
 Phoebe: Okay. (Joey exits.)
 Chandler: Oh, what's at 8:00?
 Phoebe: Oh, I have dinner plans with Joey. We get together about once a month to
 discuss the rest of you guys.
 Ross: Wow, did not know that! May I say how lovely you look today?
 Phoebe: Duly noted.
 Ross: Thanks. (Phoebe gets up to get a refill.) (To Monica) Oh! So for tomorrow,
 do you want to rent a car and drive down together or what?
 Monica: What are you talking about?
 Ross: Cousin Frannie's wedding, it's tomorrow night.
 Monica: You were invited?!
 Ross: No.
 Monica: My God, I can't believe this! I mean I knew that mom and dad were
 invited, but I thought that was it! I mean from the ages 7 to 9 Frannie and I were
 inseparable!
 Chandler: Well, maybe since the age of 9, Frannie's made some new friends.
 Ross: Well l-look okay, it's probably just a mistake. Let me call Aunt
 Sheryl okay? Maybe you are invited and the invitation just got lost in the mail.
 Monica: Yeah, well you call her and tell her that y'know when we were kids
 her precious little Frannie tried to undress me several times, okay? And if I hadn't
 have stopped her, there probably wouldn't even be a wedding to go to.
 Ross: Y'know, she tried to undress me too.
 Chandler: I used to undress my cousin Glenn. (Monica looks at him then
 shushes
 him.)
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Monica, Chandler, Rachel, and Ross are playing Monopoly
 as Phoebe enters angrily.]
 Phoebe: Joseph Francis Tribbiani are you home yet?!!
 Rachel: Umm, I think he's still out. What's wrong?
 Phoebe: Well, I'll tell you Rachel Karen Green, I had plans with Joey
 tonight and he left me this note. (Hands it to Rachel.)
 Rachel: (reading the note) 'Pheebs, can't make it, got a date. Talk to
 you later. Big Daddy.' (Laughs) Big Daddy?
 Phoebe: Oh that's a nickname we were trying out.
 Ross: Hey, y'know what nickname never caught on? The Ross-A-Tron! (Monica
 shakes her head in disgust.)
 Joey: (entering) Hey!
 Phoebe: Oh! Here's Joseph Francis!
 Joey: Oh-Wha-Ho! What are you middle naming me for?! I left you a note!
 Phoebe: So what?! That doesn't give you the right to ditch me!
 Joey: Hey, you can cancel plans with friends if there is the possibility for
 sex!
 Ross: Phoebe he's right, that is the rule.
 Phoebe: I don't accept this rule. When we make plans, I expect you to show
 up. Okay, I can't just be a way to kill time  til you meet someone better!
 Y'know boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, but this (Motions that their
 friendship) is for life!
 Joey: Wow! I'm so sorry; I had no idea it would bother you this much.
 Phoebe: Well, it does.
 Joey: Okay, can I-can I make it up to you? Huh? I'm sorry. (They hug.) How
 about uh, dinner tomorrow night?! I'll pay for myself!


Phoebe: Okay, you wore me down.
 Ross: Hey Joe, while you're over there how about another beer for the
 Ross-A-Tron?
 Joey: The Ross Is that back?!! (Chandler motions no.)
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel enters to find Chandler staring at another
 cheesecake box.]
 Rachel: Hi!
 Chandler: Another cheesecake came! They delivered it to the wrong address again!
 Rachel: So just bring it back downstairs, what's the problem?
 Chandler: I can't seem to say goodbye.
 Rachel: Are you serious?! Chandler, we ate an entire cheesecake two days ago and
 you want more?
 Chandler: Well I've forgotten what it tastes like okay?!
 Rachel: It was cheesecake. It was fine. It had a buttery, crumbly, graham
 cracker crust, with a very rich yet light, cream cheese filling  (Pause) Wow! My
 whole mouth just filled with saliva!
 Chandler: (closing the box) Y'know what? Forget it! We are just
 hungry! We have not had lunch! We are just light-headed! So let us go out and have lunch
 and forget about the cheesecake.
 Rachel: Yeah and we'll drop it off downstairs so that we're not
 tempted.
 Chandler: Good idea. Where do you want to go to lunch?
 Rachel: Momma's Little Bakery, Chicago, Illinois. (They exit with the
 cheesecake.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Joey are there. Joey is reading a newspaper.]
 Joey: Awww! Mel Torme died.
 Monica: Joey, that paper's like a year old!
 Joey: Aw! Does that mean the Sam Goody's sale is over?!
 Ross: (entering) Hey.
 Joey: Hey.
 Monica: Hey.
 Ross: So I finally heard back from Aunt Sheryl and apparently it wasn't
 a mistake. Ahh, there's-there's limited seating in the hall.
 Monica: Limited seating?! (Screechingly) I am just one tiny person!
 Ross: Well yeah, but she doesn't know that. I mean, the last time she saw
 you-you would've turned one of those little wedding chairs into kindling.
 Monica: (disgusted) Limited seating! Oh, that is such a lame excuse! That's
 not the reason she's not inviting me!
 Ross: Oh what's the big deal?! I wasn't even invited to the ceremony,
 just the reception. And-and y'know what? If it makes you feel any better, Joan and I
 will just make an appearance and then, and then we'll-we'll leave early as a
 sign of protest.
 Monica: Joan?
 Ross: Yeah, Joan Tedeski my date. She's an assistant professor in the
 Linguistics department. Tall, very beautiful, and despite what some people say, not
 broad backed!
 Monica: Wait a minute, you got Ross Gellar and guest?! I wasn't invited and
 you got 'and guest?!'
 Joey: Uh-uh, excuse me, I do have to interrupt on Ross's behalf. I-I think
 the rule applies here y'know, since she has a chance to get on broad back
 Ross: (interrupting) Not broad backed!
 Monica: Wait a minute, y'know, you're bringing me!
 Ross: What? I can't cancel on Joan!
 Monica: Why not?!
 Ross: Bec Did you not hear me?! She's an assistant professor in the
 Linguistics department, okay? They're wild! Why do you want to come anyway?
 Monica: Because! She's my cousin. I mean, we grew up together! We're
 family y'know? Well that's important to me.
 Ross: Okay, all right, I'll take you. I'll go call Joan. (Does so.)
 Joey: Aww that's nice. Family should be there, huh? This is her wedding,
 happiest day of her life.
 Monica: (laughs) We'll see.
 [Scene: The Lobby of Chandler and Rachel's building, Chandler and Rachel are
 returning from lunch.]
 Chandler: Well, thank you for lunch.
 Rachel: What? Wait a minute, I didn't pay, I thought you paid!
 Chandler: So apparently we just don't pay for food anymore. (Rachel laughs
 then Chandler notices something.) Do you see what I see?
 Rachel: (gasps) Its still there! (The cheesecake they returned to Mrs. Braverman
 is still lying in front of her door.)
 Chandler: Mrs. Braverman must be out. (They move closer to it.)
 Rachel: She could be out of town. Maybe she'll be gone for months.
 Chandler: By then, the cheesecake may have gone bad. We don't want her to
 come back to bad cheesecake.
 Rachel: No that could kill her.
 Chandler: Well, we don't want that.
 Rachel: No, so we're protecting her.
 Chandler: But we should take it.
 Rachel: But we should move quick.
 Chandler: Why?
 Rachel: Because I think I just heard her moving around in there.
 Chandler: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! (Rachel grabs the cheesecake
 and they take off upstairs.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are entering. As Phoebe is sitting down, she
 recognizes someone sitting at the counter.]
 Phoebe: (gasps) (whispering) Oh my God! That's David!
 Monica: David who?
 Phoebe: David the scientist guy, David that I was in love with, David who went
 to Russia and broke my heart David!
 David: (noticing Phoebe) Oh my God!
 Phoebe: Oh, you say someone's name enough, they turn around.
 David: Phoebe?
 Phoebe: David! (He kisses her cheek) What-what are you doing here? Aren't
 you supposed to be in Russia?
 David: Yeah, I'm just, I'm just in town for a conference. Umm, God
 you look phenomenal!


Phoebe: Well  Yeah. You look great too. Did you get a haircut?
 David: Yeah. Well I-I got like thirty of them.
 Phoebe: Yeah.
 David: Umm, look I-I-I got a confession to make
 Phoebe: Uh-huh.
 David: Uh, I-I-I was hoping to run into you here. I didn't know whether I
 should call or not, y'know I-I was only in town for a few days. And y'know, I
 didn't want to intrude on your life or-or anything like that, but I-I really wanted
 to see you and but I didn't know if you wanted to see me.
 Phoebe: Well, of course I would want to see you. I I think about you all
 the time.
 David: Really? Because I think about you all the time.
 Phoebe: Really?
 David: I mean, there's a statue in Minsk
 Phoebe: Uh-huh.
 David: That reminds me of you so much, I mean umm, it-it's actually
 of Lenin. But, y'know at certain angles
 Phoebe: Yeah.
 David: Umm, anyway Do you want to have dinner tonight?
 Phoebe: (excited) Yes! Oh no!
 David: (disappointed) Oh. Uh, what?
 Phoebe: I can't. I can't believe I have plans, I can't. Can you
 do it tomorrow night though?
 David: Uh no, I have to go in a few hours. I have to be on the red-eye. Well
 listen, y'know, next time you're in Minsk umm
 Monica: Phoebe, can I talk to you for a second?
 Phoebe: Uh-huh. (They go over and talk.)
 Monica: What are you doing?
 Phoebe: Well, I have plans with Joey tonight.
 Monica: So! He'll understand!
 Phoebe: No he won't. And that's not even the point! Monica, I made a
 whole speech about you do not cancel plans with friends! And now y'know what? Just
 because, potentially, the love of my life comes back from Russia just for one night, I-I
 should change my beliefs?! I should change beliefs! No! No! No, if I don't have my
 principles, I don't have anything!
 Monica: God, you are so strong.
 Phoebe: Or! I should rush through dinner with Joey and I can meet David at 9:00!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Chandler are eating the cheesecake right out of
 the box.]
 Rachel: (taking a bite) Oh my God! That is so good!
 Chandler: I'm full, and yet I know if I stop eating this, I'll regret
 it.
 Joey: (entering) Hey!
 Rachel: Hey!
 Joey: (seeing what they're doing) What do you got there?
 Rachel: Oh it's umm, it's tofu cake. Do you want some? (He makes a
 disgusted noise and heads for his room, Chandler follows him in.)
 Chandler: What are you doing tonight?
 Joey: Huh? Uh  (He starts taking off his pants.)
 Chandler: Dude! Dude! (Motions that Joey should pull up his pants.)
 Joey: Oh! (Pulls up his pants.) Sorry. Uh, I've got those plans with
 Phoebe, why?
 Chandler: Oh really? Uh, Monica said she had a date at 9:00.
 Joey: What?! Tonight?!
 Chandler: That's what Monica said.
 Joey: After she gave me that big speech?! She goes and makes a date with a guy
 on the same night she has plans with me? I think she's trying to pull a fast one on
 Big Daddy!
 [Scene: Cousin Frannie's Wedding Reception, Monica and Ross are entering and
 finding their table.]
 Ross: Oh here, I think this is us. (Reading the name cards.) Yeah.
 Monica: Limited seating my ass. Let's see who made the cut. (To the couple
 sitting to her right.) Hi!
 The Wedding Guest: Hi!
 Monica: I'm Monica Gellar. Who do you know the bride and groom?
 The Wedding Guest: Oh, I used to work with Frannie.
 Monica: Used to work with her. Used to! I'm a relative and I didn't
 get invited! A blood relative! Blood!!
 Ross: (To Monica) Stop saying, 'Blood' to strangers.
 Monica: (to the couple on her left) So, how about you huh? How do you know the
 happy couple?
 The Second Guest: We went to college with both of them and now we live
 next door.
 Monica: Okay, you're fine.
 [Scene: Iridium Restaurant, Phoebe and Joey are looking at the menus as the
 waiter comes to take their order.]
 The Waiter: Hey!
 Phoebe: Hey!
 The Waiter: Are you guys ready?
 Phoebe: Yes! I will have the green salad, umm the house salad, and water's
 fine.
 The Waiter: Okay.
 Phoebe: Okay.
 The Waiter: (To Joey) And for you sir?
 Joey: Yeah, this slow roasted salmon, just how slow are we talkin' here?
 The Waiter: It's uh, it's already been roasted.
 Joey: Ohh, then no. Maybe I should hear those specials again.
 Phoebe: Oh Joey, we've heard the specials three times! Okay? There's
 prime rib, mahi mahi, and a very special lobster ravioli. (She grabs his menu and hands it
 to the waiter.)
 The Waiter: Actually we're out of the lobster ravioli. (Putting Joey's
 menu under his arm.)
 Joey: Oh well, that changes everything! (Grabs his menu and starts looking at it
 again. The waiter leaves.) Y'know what Pheebs?


Phoebe: Huh?
 Joey: You were right before. I mean, friends are so important.
 Phoebe: (checking her watch) Yeah, I'm very wise. I know.
 Joey: Y'know-y'know what I really want?
 Phoebe: What?
 Joey: Is to have a long, long talk. Y'know? Get Joey out on the open road
 and really open him up.
 The Waiter: (returning) Any progress?
 Joey: Yes! I will have the lobster ravioli.
 Phoebe: God Joey, this is taking forever!
 Joey: What's the rush? What?
 Phoebe: W-w I just it's that I have y'know I
 have-I have an appointment. And it's very important.
 Joey: Whoa-whoa, what is it?
 Phoebe: Well  It's a date.
 Joey: A date?! No, no Pheebs you-you must be mistaken, because I know you
 wouldn't schedule a date on the same night you have plans with a friend!
 Phoebe: Come on Joey, don't make me feel badly about this.
 Joey: No, I'm gonna!! That's right! Yeah, you made me feel really
 guilty about goin' out with that girl! Like-like-like I did something terrible to
 you! And now Pheebs, you're doing the same thing!
 Phoebe: That It's not the same thing! This is totally
 different! This is with David! Remember David, the scientist guy? Okay, he's very
 special to me.
 Joey: Okay, well my girl from the other night was special. She was a scientist
 too!
 Phoebe: She was?
 Joey: Well, she graduated from high school!
 Phoebe: Okay, whatever. Y'know what? I don't have time to
 convince you because he's only here for four hours, and I'm gonna go see him!
 (Gets up and leaves.)
 Joey: Fine!
 Phoebe: Yeah!
 Joey: Fine!
 Phoebe: Yeah! (She exits.)
 Joey: (to the waiter) What are you still doin' here?! I told you, lobster
 ravioli!
 [Scene: Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is running up to meet David.]
 Phoebe: Hey!
 David: Hey! Oh, I was just about to leave. I-I-I-I didn't think you were
 coming.
 Phoebe: Oh, I wouldn't miss this.
 David: Well, I'm very glad you're here. (Kisses her hand.)
 Phoebe: Oh, you're such a gentleman. (Grabs his arm.) Come on! We're
 going to my place! (Drags him off to her place.)
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is eating the cheesecake and Chandler enters and
 catches her in the act.]
 Chandler: Are you eating the cheesecake without me?!
 Rachel: (with a mouthful) Mm-mmm. (Nods no.)
 Chandler: I will give you a hundred dollars to whistle right now. (She tries to
 whistle and blows little chunks of cheesecake out of her mouth.) How can you eat the
 cheesecake without me?!
 Rachel: Oh, what are you going to do?! Are you gonna go run tell Monica?! Are
 you gonna tell Joey?! No! Because then you will have to tell them what we did! We are
 dessert stealers! We are living outside the law!
 Chandler: Y'know what? I don't trust you with this cake anymore! And I
 got it first, and I'm takin' it back! (Grabs the cheesecake and heads for his
 apartment.)
 Rachel: What?! What?!
 Chandler: Oh yes!
 Rachel: Wait a minute!
 Chandler: Oh yes!
 Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no-no, no you don't!
 [Cut to Chandler and Monica's as they enter.]
 Chandler: Oh yes! Oh yes!
 Rachel: You think I trust you with it?! No! We're gonna split it! You take
 half and I take half!
 Chandler: Well that's not fair, you've already had some!
 Rachel: What? Oh, well then y'know what? I think Monica would be very
 interested to know that you called her cheesecake dry and mealy.
 Chandler: What do we use to split it?
 Rachel: Okay! (Grabs a knife and cuts it in half.) All right, pick a half.
 Chandler: (examining the cake) Okay well, this side looks bigger. Uh
 There's more crust on this side. Y'know? So, maybe if I measured
 Rachel: Oh for God sake just pick a piece!
 Chandler: All right, I'll pick that one. (Points.)
 Rachel: That's also the smaller piece. (Puts the piece onto a plate.) Okay,
 there you go. Enjoy your half my friend, but that is it. No sharing. No switching, and
 don't come crying to me if you eat your piece too fast. (As she's saying
 that she is backing out the door, when she finishes she turns around to return to her
 place, stumbles and drops the cheesecake on the floor.) Oh!!!!
 Chandler: (gloatingly and holding his piece) Ohhh!
 Rachel: Okay, you gotta give me some of your piece.
 Chandler: Oh-ho-ho-ho-no! No! No switching! No sharing, and don't come
 crying to me! Ha-ha-ha! I may just sit here and have my cake all day! Just sit here in the
 hallway and eat my  (Rachel knocks the plate from his hand and it falls on the floor.
 That process leaves just the forkful Chandler has, Rachel starts to go after that little
 bit and Chandler retreats into his apartment.)
 [Scene: Cousin Frannie's Wedding Reception, Monica and Ross are sitting at the
 table, alone, as a woman approaches.]
 The Woman: Ross, sweetheart!


 The One Where They're Up All Night
 The One Where They're Up All Night
 Written by: Zack Rosenblatt
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: The Building's Roof, the entire gang plus Tag are there to look for a
 comet. They're looking for a comet on a roof of a New York apartment building. Yeah,
 that's realistic. You might as well look for the moon on a bright sunny day.]
 Monica: (looking up) Ross, when's this comet thing start?
 Ross: Well, technically it started seven billion years ago  (Well,
 technically you'd be able to see it for days, well nights; that is if you could see
 it with all of the bright lights of New York.)
 All: (groaning) Oh no! Oh no! (They all start to get up and leave.)
 Ross: Okay! Okay! Fine, I'll stop! No teaching, okay? We'll just watch
 the pretty light streaking across the sky. (Comets don't streak across the sky,
 meteors do.) Okay? Who's official name is Bapstein-King.
 All: Okay! Okay! (They start to leave again.)
 Phoebe: (looking up) There it is! Oh, look at that! Isn't Mother Nature
 amazing?
 Chandler: (looking up with her) That's a plane!
 Phoebe: Well, all right. 1700 bags of peanuts flying that high, that's
 pretty amazing too.
 Tag: Hey, I wonder if you can see my apartment from up here.
 Rachel: No. No, you can't.
 Tag: What?
 Rachel: Oh I don't-I don't know.
 Ross: Man, look at all those stars! (Yeah, you can see what? Five of them from
 the city?) Infinite space. It really, really makes you wonder, doesn't it?
 Joey: (looking through his binoculars at a nearby building) Y'know what
 else makes you wonder?
 Ross: Huh?
 Joey: Check out the rack on this chick! (Turns around to point it out to Ross
 and finds that Ross is glaring at him. So he quickly puts his binoculars to his eyes and
 starts looking for the comet.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: The Roof, continued from earlier.]
 Monica: Okay, we've been out here for two hours and we haven't seen
 any stupid comets. Can we go now? I mean, Chandler's getting chilly. (She walks over
 to where Chandler is bundled up in a big coat and shivering.)
 Chandler: (with a quivering voice) No, I'm not!
 Joey: Then why are you wearing Monica's jacket?
 Chandler: Because it's flattering! (Shivers harder) Come on Monica! Come on
 Monica! (He goes inside.)
 Rachel: Yeah actually, I think we're gonna take off too. We rented a movie.
 Phoebe: Oh! I won't say,  no' to a movie!
 Rachel: Uh Pheebs, we just actually kinda wanted to be alone.
 Phoebe: Shh! Get me out of here.
 Rachel: Oh. (They leave, leaving just Joey and Ross.)
 Joey: (whispering) Ross!
 Ross: What?
 Joey: Come here, check this out!
 Ross: What? Is it the comet? (Runs over to where Joey's standing.)
 Joey: No! No-no. Look, there's a bug stuck in tar right here. (Bends down
 to get a closer look.)
 Ross: Joey come I can't believe I bring you here to see the
 Bapstein-King comet, one of nature's most spectacular phenomenon, and all you care
 about are bugs stuck in tar and-and some woman!
 Joey: (standing up) Y'know, there's two women dude.
 Ross: Show me where?
 Joey: Right-right up here. (Starts looking at them through a piece of pipe.)
 Ross: (noticing the pipe and looking at the door) Joey where's the pipe
 that was holding the door open?
 Joey: (annoyed) I don't know! (Goes back to looking through the pipe.)
 (Pause) Yeah, I do.
 Ross: Joey!
 Joey: What?! All right Hey! Don't look at me! You're the one who
 wanted to come up and look for some stupid Burger King comet!
 Ross: It's called the Bapstein-King comet, okay? (Joey starts to groan.)
 Hey! Hey! Bapstein was a very well respected astronomer!
 Joey: (covering his ears and yelling) Oh no! No! No! (He starts banging on the
 door.)
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, Monica is sleeping and Chandler's
 sitting in bed, wide awake.]
 Chandler: (whispering) Monica!
 Monica: She's sleeping.
 Chandler: I know, just quick-quick question, quick question. Which one was Deep
 Impact and which one was Armageddon?
 Monica: Deep Impact was the one with Robert Duval, Armageddon is
 what's going to happen to you if you wake me up.
 Chandler: Sorry, I just can't sleep. Ooh! (Turns on the light and
 Monica groans.) Where is that book that you are reading with the two women who were
 ice-skating and wearing, wearing those hats with the flowers on it? Because every time I
 look at that cover I'm like (Fake snores.)
 Monica: It is in the living room where there is also a light! And no one will
 kick you in the shin.
 Chandler: What?! (Monica kicks him in the shin.) Ow! (He gets out of bed and
 heads into the living room.)
 [Scene: Phoebe's apartment, there is a beeping noise coming from the living room and
 Phoebe sleepily goes to investigate.]


Phoebe: (crossing her fingers and closing her eyes) Please don't be a space
 ship. Please don't be a space ship. (She turns on the light and looks around and
 finds that it's the smoke detector that's beeping.) Oh thank God! (She moves a
 chair over and starts to investigate how to make the beeping turn off, in frustration she
 yanks the thing off of the wall. She sets it down and heads for bed, just as she gets
 there it beeps again. She opens the cover and removes the battery, but it still beeps.)
 How could you be beeping?! I just disconnected you! I took out your battery! How can
 Smoke Detector: Beep!
 Phoebe: Don't interrupt me!!
 [Scene: The Roof, Ross and Joey are banging on the door.]
 Ross: Rachel!! Monica!!
 Joey: Come on!
 (Ross gets fed up with Joey's banging and stops him by pulling him away from the
 door.)
 Ross: I can't believe this!!
 Joey: All right well, y'know I guess we know what we have to do to get
 down.
 Ross: (standing at the edge of the roof) Yeah, I guess we don't have a
 choice. (Screaming to the street) Help us! Please help us! We're stuck up on the roof
 and we can't get down!!!
 Joey: Ross. I was thinking we could just go down the fire escape. (Points it
 out.)
 Ross: (To Joey) I know, I wasn't finished. (Joey motions him to finish.)
 (Yelling at the street) But don't worry! We're gonna go down the fire escape!!
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's kitchen, Chandler has a jug of milk in his hands and
 decides to make some warm milk. He opens up the cabinet to get a pot and manages to knock
 several other pots onto the floor making a lot of noise.]
 Chandler: Shhhhhhhhh!!! (Monica enters) I'm sorry, I thought maybe I'd
 make some warm milk and it would help me sleep.
 Monica: With a wok? (Chandler's holding a wok.) I thought you were going to
 read my boring book to put you asleep.
 Chandler: It got interesting! Damn you Oprah!
 Monica: Here, let me make the milk, I'm up anyway.
 Chandler: Hey, y'know what we can do? Y'know, now that we are up? We
 can just like talk to each other all night long, y'know like we did when we were
 first going out. It'd be fun!
 Monica: Okay that does sound like fun.
 Chandler: Okay, so how bummed were you when the second sister died huh?
 Monica: The second sister dies?!
 Chandler: (Pause) No. No, I-I was, I was talking about the book I was reading.
 Monica: The second sister dies in Archie and Jughead Double Digest?
 Chandler: That's correct.
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Tag are making out on the couch.]
 Rachel: You wanna go in the bedroom? It's a little more comfortable.
 Tag: Sure.
 Rachel: Okay. (They start to head for the bedroom) Oh wait! Umm, did you send
 those contracts to Milan?
 Tag: If this is your idea of sexy talk? (Shakes his head that it's not
 working.)
 Rachel: No seriously, y'know the contracts I gave you, did you overnight
 them?
 Tag: What contracts?
 Rachel: Okay please tell me that this is just one of your jokes that you do that
 I don't get.
 Tag: Like what?
 Rachel: Y'know, like the thing when you put the phone in your pants? (He
 starts laughing.) Tag! I'm serious! This isn't funny! Those contracts absolutely
 had to go out today!
 Tag: Rach, I'm sorry, but you didn't give me any contracts!
 Rachel: Yes I did! And I put a little Post-It on it that said, 'Must
 go out today,' and underlined today three times and, and then I put a little heart in
 the corner because I didn't want to seem too bossy.
 Tag: I'm telling you, you never gave them to me.
 Rachel: Y'know what Tag, if we went down to the office you would see those
 contracts sitting on your desk.
 Tag: No, I would see you looking embarrassed because they are not on my
 desk!
 Rachel: Or maybe you would see me looking embarrassed because you are talking on
 the phone with your crotch!
 Tag: You wanna go down to the office right now?
 Rachel: No! Come on its late, we're not gonna go down to the office.
 Tag: Okay I understand. (Sits down.) I wouldn't want to be proved wrong
 either.
 Rachel: Okay get your coat! (They get their coats and start to leave. Rachel
 suddenly stops and sticks her hand up the back of her shirt.) Oh! When did you unhook
 this? (Her bra.) Nice work!
 [Scene: The Fire Escape, Joey and Ross have reached the last landing. Joey is tugging
 on the ladder that extends to the ground, but it won't budge.]
 Joey: All right, it won't go down any further. It's stuck.
 Ross: Ugh. Well, we're just gonna have to jump. (Joey looks at him.) Yeah.
 Now, we're gonna have to make sure to land to the right of that patch of ice, okay?
 Not hit the dumpster on the other side and uh, and try to avoid that-that weird brownish
 red stuff in the middle. So, when you get down there you go up to the
 roof and you let me in.


Joey: Oh whoa-whoa wait a minute! I have to do it?!
 Ross: Yeah! Oh yeah, you'll be fine! It-it'll be uh, just like bungy
 jumping. Y'know? But instead of bouncing back up you-you won't.
 Joey: What if I smack my head on the concrete?
 Ross: Well, I'm not gonna lie to you Joey, it's a possibility.
 Joey: (looks at the ground and at Ross) I don't know Ross! I-I tell you
 what, let's flip to see who does it, okay? You-you call it in the air, all right?
 Ross: Oh, all right. (Joey flips the coin.) Tails! (The coin bounces off of the
 landing above them and falls to the ground.) Can you-can you see what it is?
 Joey: No.
 Ross: Okay. Well, you be careful.
 Joey: What? No! No Ross! No-no! Stop! I'm not jumping! Okay, look I have an
 audition tomorrow and I can't go if I break my leg.
 Ross: Well I'm not jumping! I have a son! Okay? He won't have a father
 if-if I die!
 Joey: Well all right so, it looks like we're even!
 [Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe is still investigating the smoke detector trying to
 figure out how to stop the beeping.]
 Phoebe: Okay. So, this wire is connected to this wire which plugs into here.
 (She points at each as she says it.) Okay so, to get the beeping to stop all I have to
 do  (She picks up a shoe and proceeds to pummel the smoke detector. She then gets up
 and heads to bed, stops, quickly turns around, and is satisfied that the beeping has
 stopped.) Well done, Pheebs. (She resumes her trek to bed, but is stopped at the entrance
 to the hallway by the now steady and extremely loud tone emanating from the smoke
 detector.) (Yelling.) What do you want from me?!!!!!!!
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, Monica is entering with a mug.]
 Monica: Okay, here's your milk. What do you want to talk about? (She sees
 that Chandler has fallen asleep and slams the door loudly to wake him up.)
 Chandler: (startled) What? What? What?
 Monica: Ohh! Ohhhh! Were you sleeping sweetie? I'm sorry. Here. (Hands the
 mug of milk to him.)
 [Scene: Rachel's Outer Office, Tag and her are arriving.]
 Tag: Okay! Feel free to look, but I'm telling you those contracts are not
 on this desk.
 Rachel: Oh how can you possibly know? Look at this mess, Tag! I mean,
 this is what I'm talking about! You have to be organized! You've got newspapers!
 You've got magazines! You got Ohh! (Finds a picture.) And who is this chippy? A
 little young for you Tag, but whatever.
 Tag: It's my sister.
 Rachel: Okay, very cute braces. Anyway y'know what, the point is
 Tag, start looking because you are going to find those contracts on your desk. (She goes
 into her office.)
 Tag: So when do you imagine you gave them to me? In the morning or in the
 afternoon?
 Rachel: In the afternoon. Mr. Zelner came into my office after lunch. He put
 them on my desk, and then I put a Post-It on it (Looks down onto her desk and finds
 the folder with the Post-It on it that contains the contracts she imagined she gave
 Tag) that said, 'Must go out today.' So you just keep looking in there! All
 right?
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Rachel's outer office, Tag has finished searching his desk and Rachel
 comes out to try to plant the folder on the desk.]
 Tag: It's not here.
 Rachel: Puzzler. A bit of a puzzle. Why don't you um, check the copy room,
 maybe you left the contracts in there?
 Tag: How could I have left them in the copy room?
 Rachel: I don't know Tag! How can your genitals make phone calls? Okay?
 It's not a perfect world! Just go please.
 Tag: Fine.
 Rachel: Thank you. (He leaves and she proceeds to plant the folder in his bottom
 drawer. She then picks up the phone and holds it to her breasts.) Hello? (Hangs up the
 phone.) I still don't get it.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, Chandler has his eyes closed, while Monica is
 fully awake.]
 Monica: Are you still awake?
 Chandler: Yeah! You?
 Monica: You do know that was me who just said that right? (He doesn't
 respond and she turns on the light, waking him.) Hey. As long as we're both up
 Chandler: (intrigued) Yeah? (Monica nods yes.) I hope you're not thinking
 about cleaning the living room.
 [Scene: The fire escape, Joey and Ross are still trying to figure out how to get down.]
 Joey: Man, I'm starving! What the hell was I thinking at dinner?! 'Do
 you want soup or salad?' Both! Always order both!
 Ross: (looking in the window behind them) Y'know, y'know I'm
 lookin' and I don't think anyone's home here. I say we just break the
 window, crawl through, and-and y'know explain later.
 Joey: Yeah? Really? No one's home?


Ross: I don't think so. Hello? (Knocks on the glass, which angers the big,
 large, angry dog behind the glass and causes them to jump to the other side of the
 landing.) When you get in there  (Joey nods his disapproval.)
 [Scene: Phoebe's apartment building, in desperation she has wrapped up the smoke
 detector in a blanket and is going to throw it into the trash chute.]
 Phoebe: Okay, this is where you and I part ways. (She drops the blanket into the
 chute.) Noisy bitch!
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, Chandler is turning on the light to awaken a now
 sleeping Monica.]
 Monica: What?! What are you doing?!
 Chandler: Do you know what just happened?
 Monica: Yeah. We-we had sex and then we fell asleep.
 Chandler: No. We were in the middle of sex and you fell asleep.
 Monica: Nooo! No, that's not true. No, best time ever! Yeah, you rocked
 my
 world! (She turns out the light to go back to sleep.)
 Chandler: (turning the light back on) Monica?
 Monica: What?!
 Chandler: I was giving you some of my best moves, and you missed it. So please
 wake up so we can do it right!
 Monica: Okay. Okay, I'm ready. Come on big fella!
 Chandler: Okay.
 Monica: Give me the good stuff.
 Chandler: Yeah! (Monica falls asleep) No! No! No! Don't fall asleep! Okay,
 I am going to make you some coffee. (Monica doesn't move as he gets out of bed and as
 he's heading for the door.) And I probably won't spill coffee grounds all over
 the kitchen floor.
 Monica: Okay, I'm up! I'm up!
 [Scene: Rachel's outer office, she's returning with two coffee cups in hand
 to find Tag sitting there.]
 Rachel: Hi! I got you some coffee. To, uh  (She looks for a place to set it
 on his messy desk and he clears a spot for her to set it down.)  fair enough. So! Do
 you got anything for me?
 Tag: Still no luck.
 Rachel: Oh my God! Did you check your entire desk! Did you check all the
 drawers!
 Tag: Do you want me to check again?
 Rachel: Well yeah, I wish that you would. (He opens the top drawer.) Well, no
 it's not in there! (Closes it.) How about that drawer? (She points to the bottom one
 and he opens it. She doesn't see the folder she planted and bends over to check.)
 Tag: Well, it's not out here. Is there any chance it could be in your
 office?
 Rachel: (thinks) Y'know, I don't-I don't know. Let me, let me
 check. (As she heads for her office, she stops glances over her shoulder at Tag, looks into
 her office, and finds the folder on her desk.)
 Tag: (smirking) Any luck?
 Rachel: Can I see you in my office for a minute?
 Tag: (entering) Yeah? (She holds up the folder) You found them!! (Rachel is not
 amused, because she's still going to try to blame him for her mistake like every
  good' boss.) Y'know what? I'm not even going to gloat. I'm just
 really relieved this whole thing is over.
 Rachel: You put these on my desk!
 Tag: I did not!
 Rachel: Oh really? So you're saying they just slid out of your
 bottom drawer, crawled across the floor, then jumped on to my desk?! (I think Dogbert
 should have a line here.)
 Tag: How did you know they were in my bottom drawer?
 Rachel: (pause as she realizes her lame attempt to shift the blame has failed) I
 am so hot for you right now.
 [Scene: Phoebe's apartment, there is someone pounding on the door and Phoebe sleepily
 walks over and answers it. As she nears the door, the pounding stops and she can hear the
 smoke detector's wail.]
 Phoebe: Oh my God! How did you get back here?!
 A Disembodied Voice: (yelling through the door) Phoebe Buffay?!
 Phoebe: (scared) Fire alarm? (She opens the door to reveal a fireman holding the
 blanket with the smoke detector.) Oh! Hi, officer fireman, can-can I help you?
 The Fireman: We found your fire alarm in the trash chute.
 Phoebe: That's not mine.
 The Fireman: Yes it is.
 Phoebe: How do you know?
 The Fireman: The next time you want to dump a fire alarm in a trash chute,
 don't wrap it in a blanket that says, 'Property of Phoebe Buffay not
 Monica.'
 Phoebe: Okay do you Okay, do you have a search warrant? Because the last
 time I checked this was still America!
 The Fireman: Please reattach this, it's against the law to disconnect them.
 Phoebe: Fine! (She takes the blanket.) But please God; tell me how to stop them
 from going off!
 The Fireman: There's a reset button under the plastic cover.
 Phoebe: There's a reset button?! Ugh, thank you! Thank you! (He exits and
 she goes to shut it off.) There's a reset button! My God! Why didn't I see that!
 (She takes off the plastic cover and looks for the button.) Reset button, reset button,
 where is there a reset button? (Finds it.) Oh here it is! (Picks it up off of the floor.)
 Oh! (She presses it hard, but of course it would help if the button was still attached to
 the detector. In frustration she presses it so hard it causes pain in her thumb.) Ohh,
 God!
 [Scene: The fire escape, Joey is now hanging off of the bottom rung of the ladder that
 won't move and Ross is watching from above.]


 The One Where Rosita Dies
 The One Where Rosita Dies
 Teleplay by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones
 Story by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to move Joey's chair and not having
 much luck at it as Joey enters.]
 Joey: Hey.
 Rachel: Hey.
 Joey: What are you doing?
 Rachel: Well, y'know I was thinking of moving the couch over here.
 Joey: (laughs) Why would you want to do that?
 Rachel: So that there will be a decent place for me to sit.
 Joey: Rach, there is a decent place to
 Rachel: And your lap does not count! Okay? Come on, help me move this.
 Joey: No. No. No.
 Rachel: No?
 Joey: No. Rosita does not move.
 Rachel: I'm sorry, Rosita? As in
 Joey: As in Rosita does not move.
 Rachel: Joey, it's just a chair! What's the big deal?
 Joey: The big deal is that it is the exact equal distance from the bathroom to
 the kitchen and it's at the perfect angle so you don't get any glare coming off
 of Stevie.
 Rachel: Stevie the TV?
 Joey: (glaring at her) Is there a problem?
 Rachel: No! (Joey sets his beer and bag of chips down and heads into his room.)
 Oh what does he know! Come on Rosita, us chichas got to stick together! (She tries pulling
 on the back of the chair, until the hinge breaks and the back falls off.) You bitch!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are on the couch talking. Phoebe is getting
 coffee.]
 Ross: Hey, y'know what's weird? After you guys get married, when you
 introduce me to people you're gonna have to say, 'This is my brother-in-law
 Ross.' Not, 'My friend Ross,' 'brother-in-law Ross.' That's
 weird isn't it?
 Chandler: Couldn't I just say, 'This is Ross?'
 Ross: (disappointed) Sure, do whatever you want.
 (Phoebe sits down between Chandler and Ross.)
 Monica: (entering, carrying a newspaper) Hey Ross! So, I was checking out the
 uh, real estate section
 Ross: Yeah?
 Monica: Look at this. (Hands him the newspaper.)
 Ross: Oh, it looks like mom and dad's house. Oh, it even has a tree with a
 broken limb out front and the uh, the window in the attic is Oh my God!!
 Phoebe: What? What happened to the window in the attic?!
 Monica: I can't believe mom and dad are selling the house!
 Ross: I can't believe they-they didn't even tell us!
 Phoebe: I can't believe I still don't know what happened to the window
 in the attic!
 (Ross calls his parents on his cell phone.)
 Ross: (on phone) Uh, hello dad! Monica and I just saw the house in the paper!
 (Listens) Yes we're surprised! (Listens) Who did you leave a message with?
 Chandler: (knocking on the window while outside) Sorry! (Runs off.)
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is examining the injury to Rosita while Rachel is
 apologizing to him.]
 Rachel: Joey, Joey I am so sorry.
 Joey: I told you not to move it! Rach, how would you feel if say, I wanted to
 move your mom, and you said don't, and I did it anyway and her head fell off?
 Rachel: Okay, come on Joey, I'll buy you a new one! All right?
 We'll go down to the store right now and we'll-we'll get you a new chair.
 Joey: (slowly turning and glaring at her) She's not even cold yet!
 Rachel: But don't you think Rosita would've wanted you to move on? I
 mean y'know, she did always put your comfort first.
 Joey: That's true.
 (Rachel turns for the door and makes the 'Wow!' face.)
 Rachel: (grabbing her coat) Okay? You ready?
 Joey: Yeah, I  (Shuts off the TV.) I don't want Stevie to see her like
 this.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Ross and Monica are still going on about the house.]
 Ross: I can't believe we have to say goodbye to the house we grew up in.
 Man, some-some stranger's gonna be living in my room.
 Monica: Well, after 15 years of mom and dad keeping it as a shrine to you,
 it's time the velvet ropes came down.
 Ross: They kept your room for a while.
 Monica: Oh please! Dad turned my room into a gym 20 minutes after I moved out! I
 gotta say, a tanning bed and a stack of Victoria's Secret catalogues, not a
 gym!
 Ross: Come on, you know they love you.
 Monica: As much as they love you?
 Ross: I was their first born! They thought she was barren! It's not my
 fault.
 Phoebe: (entering) Hey.
 Ross: Hey.
 Monica: Hey!
 Phoebe: Ugh, I hate this year!
 Ross: What's wrong with this year?
 Phoebe: Well okay, it's already February and I've only given two
 massages and they were both the worst tippers in the world!
 Monica: That was me and Ross.
 Phoebe: Oh that's right!


Ross: Hey, y'know if you want to pick up some extra cash? Some friends of
 mine made good money doing telemarketing.
 Monica: Oh that's a great idea. You're really good on the phone.
 Phoebe: Yeah and yeah, and it would probably be better than the last telephone
 job I had. Y'know, I probably wouldn't have to say spank as much. (Monica and
 Ross are shocked.)
 Ross: What?
 Phoebe: Oh yeah, like you never called!
 [Scene: The telemarketing office, Phoebe is getting shown to her desk by the
 supervisor.]
 Supervisor: So basically this is very easy. You read from the script and try to
 sell as much toner as you possibly can.
 Phoebe: Okay, I can do that! Oh, by the way, I love my office.
 Supervisor: (laughs) Why don't we do a trial run.
 Phoebe: Oh okay. Umm, all right. (Picks up the phone and starts reading from the
 script.) Hi, this is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies, can I speak to your supply
 manager please?
 Supervisor: I'm the supply manager.
 Phoebe: Umm, okay I would like to talk to you about your toner needs.
 Supervisor: We don't need any toner.
 Phoebe: Oh okay, well I'm sorry to bother you. Bye-bye. (Hangs up the
 phone.) Yeah you're right, this is easy.
 Supervisor: Okay, what was wrong with that call?
 Phoebe: Oh well, all right um, no offense, but you were kind of rude.
 Supervisor: They're always going to tell you they don't need toner,
 but that's okay because whatever they say, you can find the answer to it here in this
 script.
 Phoebe: Oh.
 Supervisor: So, I think you're ready to sell toner, do you have any last
 questions?
 Phoebe: No. (Pause) Oh wait yes! I do, I do have one question. What is toner?
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is entering.]
 Chandler: Joey! Joe! (Sees that he's not here and starts investigating. He
 picks up the bag of chips.) Full bag. (He picks up the beer.) Beer's still cold.
 Something terrible must've happened here! (He decides it's not that
 important; sits down on Rosita, and the back falls off causing him to flip over.) Oh
 no-no-no-no-no-no! (Runs over to Stevie.) Stevie, I was never here! (Runs out.)
 [Scene: Ross and Monica's parent's garage, Ross and Monica are arriving to go
 through their things. Mr. Geller is in the garage.]
 Ross: Dad?
 Mr. Geller: I'm here!
 Ross: (entering with Monica) Hey!
 Mr. Geller: Hi. God, it seems like just yesterday you guys used to come out to
 watch me work.
 Ross: Dad, we-we can't believe you're selling the house.
 Mr. Geller: Well, it's time for a new family to start their memories here
 and hopefully their check will clear before they find the crack in the foundation and the
 asbestos in the ceiling.
 Ross: (To Monica) Let's grab our stuff and get the hell out of here.
 Mr. Geller: I'm sorry we can't store your childhood things anymore.
 Monica: Oh, that's okay, I can't wait to see everything again! All of
 the memories
 Mr. Geller: Well, I don't know what's in the boxes down here, but I do
 know there are six or seven Easy Bake Ovens in the attic.
 Monica: I used to love to play restaurant.
 Ross: Yeah, not as much as you used to love to play uncooked batter eater.
 Monica: Hey, it is unreasonable to expect a child to wait for a light
 bulb to cook brownies! (She goes to the attic.)
 Mr. Geller: So, I think your boxes are over here. (They walk over to
 them.)
 Ross: Wow! Great! (Finds a pack of cigarettes.) Wait, dad who-who's
 cigarettes are these?
 Mr. Geller: I don't know. They-they must be your mother's, but please,
 please don't ask her. I'll throw these away. (He puts them in his pocket as Ross
 finds something of interest in one of his boxes.)
 Ross: Cool! Dad! My report cards! Hey, check this out dad, (reading his grades)
 Math, A. Science, A. History, A. Gym (He puts it away and finds something else.)
 Oooh, my rock polisher!
 Mr. Geller: Oh look, look there's your old makeup kit!
 Ross: It's a clown kit! Clown kit!
 Mr. Geller: Well, the white seems to be untouched. (He throws it back into the
 box as Mr. Geller moves a tarp and makes a discovery.) Uh-oh.
 Ross: What?
 Mr. Geller: Y'know how the garage floods every Spring?
 Ross: How are you ever going to sell this place?
 Mr. Geller: I think I accidentally used Monica's boxes to keep the water
 away from the Porsche.
 Ross: Oh no. Dad! Dad! What (He goes to open one of her boxes and it rips
 apart.) Oh God everything's ruined! Dad, she's gonna be crushed!
 Mr. Geller: You don't secretly smoke do you?
 Ross: No!
 Mr. Geller: So it's just your mother then.
 [Scene: The telemarketing office, Phoebe is hard at work.]
 Phoebe: (on phone) Hi, this Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies, can I speak to
 your supply manager please? (Listens) Earl, thanks. (Listens) Hi Earl, this is Phoebe from
 Empire Office Supplies I'd like to talk to you about your toner needs. (She's
 reading from the script.)
 [Cut to Earl's office, who is played by Jason Alexander, George from Seinfeld.
 They cut back and forth between Phoebe's and Earl's offices with each of their
 lines.]
 Earl: I don't need any toner.


Phoebe: I'm hearing what you're saying, but at our prices everyone
 needs toner.
 Earl: Not me.
 Phoebe: May I ask why?
 Earl: You wanna know why. You wanna know why?
 Phoebe: I surely do!
 Earl: Okay, I don't need any toner because I'm going to kill myself.
 (Phoebe desperately tries to find the scripted response to that line.)
 Phoebe: (doesn't have any luck) Umm, is-is that because you're out of
 toner?
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: The telemarketing office, Phoebe is still talking to Earl.]
 Earl: Okay, so no toner today. Thanks anyway, bye-bye.
 Phoebe: No-no wait-wait! I can't just let you hang up! Just please talk to
 me.
 Earl: Well I only have one thing to do today. (He looks at his board in his
 office that reads, 'Today's Tasks: KILL SELF.') I guess I could push it
 back.
 Phoebe: Yeah! Now, why do you want to kill yourself?
 Earl: It's just that I uh, have been working for ten years now at this
 meaningless, dead-end job and nobody here even knows I exist!
 Phoebe: Chandler?
 Earl: I-I'm sorry?
 Phoebe: No look, I-I'm sure that people know you exist!
 Earl: Oh yeah? I work in a cubicle surrounded by people. I've been talking
 to you for five minutes now about killing myself and no one's even looked up from
 their desk. Hang-hang on. (To the people standing around his cubicle.) Hey everybody! Uh,
 I'm gonna kill myself! (There's no response; no one even looks up.) I'll
 get back to ya. (To Phoebe) I got nothing. Wait. (He sets the phone down.) Uh, hey Marge!
 (Mimes putting a gun to his head, pulling the trigger, and splattering his brain on the
 wall behind him. Then points to himself. Marge watches this, then goes back to work.) (To
 Phoebe) Ehh, nothing. Nothing.
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler has replaced Rosita with his chair.]
 Chandler: My chair. Now, if anybody asks, your name is Rosita! (He runs out the
 door, grabs the back of Rosita, and we can hear Joey and Rachel talking as they are coming
 up the stairs. Neither of them have reached the landing yet.)
 Rachel: You will like it!
 Joey: No I won't.
 (Chandler runs to check on them coming up the stairs.)
 Rachel: You don't even know!
 Joey: Because, I know what I like and what I don't like! It's not the
 same thing!
 (Chandler throws the back of Rosita into his apartment and quickly starts pushing the
 base into his apartment.)
 Rachel: Well look, if you don't like this (The audience's
 laughter at Chandler's progress cuts out the rest of Rachel's line.)
 Joey: I don't know why you say that so soon.
 (Joey and Rachel reach the landing just as Chandler closes the door.)
 Rachel: Come on Joey, I just bought you a new chair! The most expensive one in
 the store! Hey, y'know what I was thinking? We could name her Francette.
 Joey: Francette? What is she? A couch?
 (They enter their apartment.)
 Joey: Poor thing. Cut down in her prime.
 Rachel: Joey, the new chair will be here in an hour. Maybe we should actually
 move Rosita out of here. Y'know, start the healing process?
 Joey: Well, I guess you're right. Maybe, maybe I'll take her down to
 the incinerator. It's gonna be so sad, and kinda cool. (He goes to remove the back,
 but it doesn't come off. So he sits down in it, puts his feet up, stands up, and
 looks back at it.) She's healed!
 Rachel: That's weird.
 Joey: No it's not weird, it's a miracle!
 Rachel: It's not a miracle Joey! I'm sure there's some
 explanation.
 Joey: Oh there is! If you want something enough and your heart is pure, wondrous
 things can happen!
 Rachel: Joey, I really don't
 Joey: (interrupting her) Can you tell me how this happened?
 Rachel: Well no.
 Joey: Miracle!
 Rachel: No, y'know what? Maybe somebody came in here and fixed it! Or
 something!
 Joey: Someone like an angel?
 Rachel: That's right Joey, the chair angel came in and healed your chair.
 (She sits down in the chair.)
 Joey: (angrily) Get your non-believer ass outta my chair! (She gets up and heads
 for her room.)
 [Scene: The Geller's Garage, continued from earlier. Ross and Mr. Geller are still
 deciding what to do.]
 Mr. Geller: Well, she'll understand right? It's not like I did it on
 purpose.
 Ross: Dad, that won't matter to her. Look, all my stuff is safe and dry and
 all hers is-is, is growing new stuff! See, this is exactly the kind of thing that makes her
 think you guys love me more than you love her.
 Mr. Geller: Oh my God, does she really thinks that?
 Ross: Well, can you blame her?
 Mr. Geller: Well I don't know, I-I suppose we may have favored you
 unconsciously, you were a medical marvel! The doctor said your mother could
 Ross: Dad, dad I don't want to hear about it.
 Mr. Geller: Really?


Ross: Well, not right now. Okay look, Monica came here for some memories and
 damnit, we're gonna give her some! Okay, grab grab some empty boxes. Okay?
 We'll-we'll take stuff from mine and whatever we can pass off as hers
 we'll-we'll put  em in there.
 Mr. Geller: Great!
 Ross: Like uh y'know like this! This! (He picks up one of those art
 projects that kids make in kindergarten and first grade.) She-she could've made this!
 Mr. Geller: Sure!
 Ross: Right? And this! (He picks up a trophy) She-she could've won this!
 Mr. Geller: (grabbing a glove) This could've been hers!
 Ross: Sure! Ooh-ooh, what about this?
 Mr. Geller: Your make-up kit? I'd feel better.
 (Ross angrily throws the kit into one of Monica's new boxes.)
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sitting on the now healed Rosita as Rachel is sitting
 in the newly arrived Francette. Francette is one of those new chairs from La-Z-Boy
 that has and does everything except cook and go to the bathroom for you. It's got a
 small refrigerator under one armrest, it has phone jacks for the Internet and regular
 phone, and so much more.]
 Rachel: (grabbing a beer out of the chair's fridge) I am so psyched I kept
 this chair for myself!
 Joey: Yeah, me too. (He flips up his armrest in disgust.)
 Rachel: Hey, how's how's the uh, miracle chair?
 Joey: Fine.
 Rachel: Yeah? Wow! Y'know, that this thing has speakers in the headrest!
 Joey: No. Really?
 Rachel: Yeah! You can hook it up to your TV and you get radio!
 Joey: (quietly) My chair heals itself.
 [Scene: The telemarketing office, Phoebe is still trying to talk Earl out of suicide.]
 Phoebe: Earl, you're not hearing me! All I'm saying is that
 you're not alone, alright? Everybody hates the people they work with! (One of her
 coworkers overhears that, and she mimes that she didn't mean him.)
 Guy: (walking past Earl's desk) Hey guy!
 Phoebe: Wait, what was that? That sounded like someone being nice to you.
 Earl: No! That's just the 'Hey Guy' guy. He says that to
 everybody! He's the worst! I'd like to take him with me!
 Phoebe: All right. So Earl, let's just forget about the people at the
 office, okay? There-there's gotta be someone else in your life worth sticking around
 for! What about-what about your family, your friends, or maybe your girlfriend?
 Earl: (laughs) Yeah! Right!
 Phoebe: Oh sorry, boyfriend!
 Earl: Oh no.
 Phoebe: No, whatever! Anything!
 The 'Hey Guy' Guy: Hey guy!
 Phoebe: Yeah, he's gotta go.
 Earl: Okay, I should, I should probably be getting back to my thing now. See ya.
 (Hangs up.)
 Phoebe: No! I'm not finished yet! Don't! Don't you dare hang up
 on me!!!
 Supervisor: (walking by and overhearing that) (to the rest of the staff) The new
 girl's good.
 [Scene: The Geller's Garage, Mr. Geller and Ross are finishing up recreating
 Monica's memories as Monica enters.]
 Monica: Hey guys! Hey!
 Ross: Hey.
 Monica: Hey, I just whipped us up some Easy Bake treats, they should be
 ready in about three days.
 Mr. Geller: (overacting) That's a good one! Do you hear that Ross? Three
 days!
 Ross: (overacting as well) Yeah! Yeah! (Laughs.) Oh, this will make a great
 memory.
 Monica: (wary) Okay. So, which boxes are mine?
 Ross: Well, these. These are yours right here. (Pointing to the boxes they just
 created for her.)
 Monica: Okay. (Starting to go through them) Oh! A coloring book! (Holding it
 up.)
 Ross: Yeah. Yeah, oh you loved that thing. You always had it with you. You never
 went anywhere without-without that coloring book.
 Monica: (looking through it) Really? Wow! It looks like I had some trouble
 staying inside the lines.
 Ross: Nu-uh! (Grabs it and examines it.)
 Monica: (holding up a glove) Oh, an old glove?
 Mr. Geller: Oh, yeah you loved that glove! You took it every place you went. You
 never went any place without that glove.
 Monica: Wow! Look at this! (Picking up a shirt.) I can't believe I even fit
 into this shirt! (She holds it up and it reads: Tyrannosaurus Ross.) (She turns it around
 and looks at it.) Oh, this is yours. (Hands it to Ross.)
 Ross: Oh, I don't know how that got in there.
 Monica: (holding up a small cowboy hat) This isn't mine. (Sets it down and
 looks at the rest of the boxes.) Hey, this isn't, this isn't my stuff! Ugh,
 Ross! (Grabs and holds up a doll.) These are your boxes! Where are my boxes?
 Ross: Umm, your boxes are umm
 Monica: What?
 Ross: Dad?
 Mr. Geller: Well, the garage flooded sweetie and it ruined everything in your
 boxes. I'm sorry.
 Monica: Just mine?
 Mr. Geller: I'm afraid so.
 Monica: So why-why wasn't Ross's stuff ruined? (Pause) And if you say
 the words medical marvel I'm going to Easy Bake your head!
 Mr. Geller: Well, I used your boxes to divert water away from the Porsche.


Monica: So wait, Ross's stuff is fine, but I have no memories because you
 wanted to keep the bottom two inches of your car away from water!!!
 Mr. Geller: There was also leaves and guk and stuff.
 Monica: I can't believe this! (Storms out.)
 Mr. Geller: (To Ross) Screw it! I'm having one. (Takes out and lights a
 cigarette.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is writing a letter by the bay window as Rachel
 enters.]
 Rachel: Hey Chandler!
 Chandler: Hey!
 Rachel: How would you like to sit in a chair that fully reclines, has a rolling
 massage, and speakers in the head rest?
 Chandler: Yeah, I'd love to but I've tried that so many times they
 won't even let me in the store anymore.
 Rachel: Well what if I told you you can do it in my apartment?
 Chandler: (excitedly) Are you telling me that you bought the chair that is
 making all other lounge systems obsolete? The chair that Sit magazine called the Chair of
 the Year?
 Rachel: I just purchased the La-Z-Boy E-cliner 3000. (Which is an actual
 product by the way, I'm not sure about the 3000 part.)
 Chandler: That's awesome! That's great! What made you do it?!
 Rachel: Well, it's a long story, but umm I broke Joey's chair
 Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa! You broke Joey's chair?
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Chandler: I thought I broke Joey's chair! That's why I replaced
 it with mine!
 Rachel: Ohhhhh. That's how it got fixed!
 Chandler: Well, what did you think, that-that elves came in and fixed it?
 Rachel: Noo! (Laughs) Angels.
 Chandler: I'm gettin' my chair back! (Heads for Joey and
 Rachel's.)
 Rachel: What? Wh-hey!
 (They enter Joey and Rachel's to find that Joey has broken Chandler's chair.)
 Joey: Well, it looks like it wasn't healed after all! Yeah! So, I guess
 this chair is mine now! (Sits down in it and groans.)
 Chandler: Joey you broke my chair!!
 Joey: Your chair?!
 Rachel: Yeah, he thought he broke your chair so he switched the chairs!
 Joey: So, there was no miracle?!
 Rachel: No Joe, no miracle.
 Joey: (sarcastic) Oh no this is devastating! My faith is shaken. I'm so
 glad I have the new chair to get my through this difficult time in my life.
 Rachel: Uh-huh! Nice try, but you don't get that chair anymore! All right?
 That is my chair now! You can sit on my lap! (Joey starts to get up.) No I take that back!
 Chandler: I think I should get the chair!
 (Rachel and Joey both laugh at that suggestion.)
 Joey: How do you figure?
 Chandler: Because you (Points to Joey) broke a chair and you (Points to
 Rachel) broke a chair! The only one around here that hasn't broke a chair, is me!
 Rachel: No-no-no! This chair's not going anywhere.
 Chandler: Well, where's the logic in that?!
 Rachel: The logic is, that there are two of us and we are both strong enough to
 break a chair in half!
 Chandler: So Joey breaks my chair and I get nothing!
 (Joey whispers in Rachel's ear to confirm his response.)
 Joey: That's right!
 Chandler: What are you guys? Like a gang or something?!
 (They confer again.)
 Joey: Yeah! We are!
 (Rachel whispers in Joey's ear.)
 Rachel: We're the Cobras!
 [Scene: Earl's Office, Earl has his head in his hands as Phoebe enters.]
 Phoebe: (to Marge) Excuse me! Can you tell me where I can find Earl? He's
 the supply manager around here.
 Marge: Sorry, I don't know any Earl.
 Earl: (screaming) I'm right here!!!!
 Phoebe: (goes over to his desk) Earl! I'm Phoebe.
 Earl: Phoebe? The lady who sells toner?
 Phoebe: Umm, look it, you-you can't kill yourself.
 Earl: (exhales) Look, um I really appreciate your coming down
 Phoebe: No-no I can't! I can't let you do it!
 Earl: Why?!
 Phoebe: Because it was fate that made me call you today!
 Earl: I thought it was toner.
 Phoebe: No! Think about it okay? This isn't even my regular job!
 Okay? And my first day on the job, you're my first call! And-and somebody else
 might've hung up on you, but I wouldn't do that because I know about this stuff.
 My mom killed herself.
 Earl: Really?!
 Phoebe: Yes.
 Earl: How?
 Phoebe: I'm not gonna give you tips! Look don't you see that
 this-this this all came together so that I could stop you from doing this.
 Earl: Couldn't it just be a coincidence?
 Phoebe: No, it's fate!
 Earl: It doesn't really seem like enough to be fate.
 Phoebe: Oh. Well umm, okay here's a weird thing. My mother was also a
 supply manager.
 Earl: I'm actually the office manager.
 Phoebe: Oh my God! So was she! And! Get this, okay? Your-your name is Earl,
 right? Her name was Pearl, P-Earl.
 Earl: Well, was there anything else?!
 Phoebe: Sure! (Thinks.) Umm, where are you from?
 Earl: Philadelphia.


 The One Where They All Turn Thirty
 The One Where They All Turn Thirty
 Teleplay by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer
 Story by: Vanessa McCarthy
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is knocking on Rachel's door, whose door frame is
 decorated with balloons. The rest of the gang is there as well. Rachel opens the door and
 the gang blow on noisemakers.]
 Ross: Happy birthday!!!
 Monica: Happy birthday!!!
 (Rachel glares at them and goes back into her room, closing her door.)
 All: Rach! Come on! Rach!
 Monica: It's your birthday!
 Tag: (entering from her room) Hey.
 Chandler: (To Monica) She's not as pretty as she was when she was 29.
 Tag: Ms. Green would like to establish some ground rules before she comes out.
 She would appreciate it if you don't use the words old or downhill or (To Joey) they
 still look pretty damn good. (Joey smiles and everyone glares at him.)
 Joey: They do!
 Phoebe: Rachel! Come on out! Monica made breakfast!
 Monica: Chocolate-chip pancakes!
 (There is no response from Rachel.)
 Ross: We've got presents!
 (She opens the door.)
 Rachel: Good ones?
 Monica: They all came from the list you handed out to us two weeks ago.
 Rachel: Well, can I keep the presents and still be 29?
 Joey: Come on Rach! Look, turning thirty is not that big a deal.
 Ross: Oh really. Is that how you felt when you turned thirty?
 [Flashback to Joey's thirtieth birthday party. It is being held in Monica and
 Chandler's apartment.]
 Joey: (screaming) Why God?!! Why?!! We had a deal!! Let the others grow old! Not
 me!! (He buries his head in Phoebe's lap for comfort.)
 [Cut back to Rachel's party, everyone is now eating breakfast, except Rachel.]
 Rachel: Y'know, I'm still 29 in Guam.
 Ross: Hey, 30 is not that old! Do you know how old the Earth is?
 Rachel: Late thirties? Oh come on you guys! Is it just me? Am I overreacting to
 this?
 Chandler: No Rach, it's not just you. My thirtieth birthday certainly
 wasn't that much fun.
 [Flashback to Chandler's thirtieth birthday party. It is also being held in Monica
 and his apartment. He is about to blow out the candles on his birthday cake.]
 Joey: (screaming) And now Chandler! We're all gettin' so old! (Looking
 up) Why are you doing this to us?! (Turns away crying.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, breakfast is finished but Rachel's still down.]
 Monica: Rach, you're in a great place in your life. Come on, you've
 got a great job! Good friends
 Joey: Yeah, your roommate is a soap opera star.
 Rachel: Look, y'know I know my life's going pretty well, but I look
 around and I just see so many people who've accomplished so many other goals by the
 time they're thirty.
 Phoebe: Yeah, but you shouldn't compare yourself to me.
 [Flashback to: The Street in front of Central Perk, Ross and Joey are holding a yellow
 tape across the road and everyone is cheering Phoebe as she bounces around the corner on a
 hippity-hop.]
 All: Come on Phoebe! You can do it Phoebe! Come on!
 Rachel: There you go!
 (She crosses the line and they all cheer again.)
 Phoebe: I did it! One mile on a hippity-hop! That's it!! That's
 everything I wanted to do before I was thirty. Oh, except I wanted to patch things up with
 my sister. But oh well. Yay!! (They all cheer again.) And-and girls this thing is a
 Godsend if you know what I mean. (Rachel and Monica look intrigued and as they all head
 into Central Perk, Rachel picks up the hippity-hop that Phoebe left behind.)
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]
 Rachel: Thirty. Ugh, I mean thirty! Monica, do you remember mean old Mrs.
 Kreeger in the fifth grade? She was thirty!
 Tag: Come on, let's have some fun. Huh? (To Rachel) What do you want to do
 today?
 Rachel: Nothing. I don't want to do anything.
 Monica: Well, doing nothing on your thirtieth is better than doing something
 stupid, like Ross.
 Ross: Hey! That was a practical purchase! I needed that car for transportation!
 Okay? I-I have a child!
 [Flashback to: A street, Ross is sitting in his newly purchased MGB. Which is
 one of the better British sports cars ever made. Of course,  better' is a
 relative term. Which reminds me of a joke. Why don't the British make computers?
 Because they couldn't figure out how to make them leak oil. Anyway, the gang is all
 staring at his new purchase.]
 Ross: How hot do I look in this, huh?!
 Chandler: Ross, a sports car? Wouldn't it have been cheaper to just stuff a
 sock down there?
 Ross: That's not what this is about okay? I-I am a sports car enthusiast. I
 have always been into cars.
 Joey: Hey, what's the horsepower on this thing?


Ross: (giddy) I don't know, but-but look how shiny!
 Monica: I can't believe you bought this.
 Rachel: Really! God Ross, what were you thinking? (To Phoebe, quietly) I know
 it's really shallow, but a part of me wants him again.
 Phoebe: Oh, well get in line missy. (To Ross) So, can I have a ride stud?
 Ross: Hop in. (Phoebe hops in.) Get ready for the smoothest ride of your life.
 (He starts the car and surprisingly it fires right up and comes to a nice idle. (Both
 can be rarities with British sports cars with their lovely Lucas ignition systems,
 which tend not to work, especially in the rain.) Anyway, this being New York he is parallel
 parked on a street with the car in front of him only inches ahead of his bumper, likewise
 with the car behind him. He's completely boxed in and can't move more than two
 inches. He tries to get out several times by bumping the bumpers of both cars to no
 avail.)
 Ross: Damnit! (Shuts the car off.)
 Phoebe: (getting out) Okay, who's next?
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is pouring Rachel some coffee.]
 Rachel: Y'know what? I am going to do something today. I'm not just
 gonna sit around like some old lady. I'm gonna get something pierced. Like my uh,
 like my nose or my tongue or something.
 Phoebe: Really?!  Cause y'know that hurts.
 Rachel: So what?! Y'know what? The way I see it (Phoebe pulls out a
 hair from the back of her head) Ow! Son of a bitch!!
 Tag: Look Rachel, I know what you're going through. I'm totally
 freaked about turning 25.
 Rachel: (glares at him) Get out, get out of my apartment.
 Monica: All right Rach, for what it's worth, I think that you're doing
 great. I mean y'know let's face it, no one handles this well.
 Phoebe: Least of all you.
 Tag: Why? What you'd do?
 Monica: Weren't you asked to leave sonny?
 [Flashback to Monica and Chandler's apartment. Chandler has a bunch of people over
 in formal wear to give Monica a surprise birthday party. Joey is coming out of the
 bathroom and removing his tie.]
 Chandler: (To Joey) Would you put that back on?! Monica's gonna be here any
 minute!
 Joey: But it hurt's my Joey's Apple.
 Chandler: (frustrated) Okay, for the last time. It's not named for each
 individual man.
 (Joey walks away and Mr. and Mrs. Geller walk up. Mr. Geller is wearing this ancient
 velvet tuxedo.)
 Mrs. Geller: (To Chandler) You've done a wonderful job with this party
 Chandler. Everything looks so lovely.
 Chandler: Oh well, not as lovely as you. I mean, I can't believe that you
 would have a thirty-year-old daughter! (To Mr. Geller) And you! I can't believe that
 you would have a tux that's thirty years old! (Puts his hand on Mr. Geller's
 shoulder.)
 Mr. Geller: It's older than that. Ross was actually conceived right near
 this tuxedo.
 Chandler: Ohh! (He quickly removes his hand and looks at it.)
 Rachel: (entering) Hey! Everybody hide! Hide! I saw her! She's coming!
 Chandler: Okay! Okay! Everybody down! Everybody down! (Rachel turns off the
 lights and everyone crouches. As everyone crouches, a ripping noise erupts from the
 assemblage.)
 Mr. Geller: Crap.
 (We hear some fumbling at the door, then silence.)
 Chandler: (getting up to investigate) Okay, everybody stay here. I will find out
 what's going on.
 (He goes out into the hall and finds a very drunk Monica lying up against Joey and
 Rachel's door.)
 Monica: Heyyy!! You got the door open!! (Giggles.)
 Chandler: Hey-hey are you drunk?
 Monica: Nooo! (Giggles) Okay. (She tries to pull herself up by Rachel and
 Joey's doorknob, but the door opens and she almost falls into the their apartment.
 She manages to catch herself.) Whoa! (Stands up, unsteadily) Okay. See I was, I was a
 little nervous about turning (whispering) thirty. (Giggles.) So the bus boys took me out
 for some drinks. (Pause) I wanna puke on you later!
 Chandler: Okay, here is the thing. We have thrown a very formal surprise
 party for you in there! All of your friends are in there and your parents!
 Monica: Noo!!!
 Chandler: Yes!
 Monica: Noo!!
 Chandler: Yes!!
 Monica: Oh no! My parents have never seen me drunk! (Pause) That they know of.
 Chandler: Okay, here's the thing. We're gonna get you some coffee and
 they will never know that you're drunk.
 Monica: Really?! You promise?
 Chandler: Yeah, I'll take care of it.
 Monica: Okay. I love you so much. (Kisses him.)
 Chandler: (laughing) Okay we have to do something about your breath.
 Monica: What about your breath?! (Breathes on him.)
 Chandler: That's still yours. Okay, now remember it's a surprise
 party. So, when you go in, act surprised.
 Monica: Okay. I can do that.
 Chandler: Okay.
 (Chandler opens the door and Monica sneaks up on it. They go inside.)
 All: Surprise!!!
 (Monica screams and they all stare at her.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Ross's birthday, Joey is now trying to get his car out while Ross is
 directing him.]


Ross: Okay, forward. Forward Stop! (The car moves an inch and Ross runs to
 the back of the car.) Okay, back Stop! (The car barely moves and Ross runs back to
 the front.) Okay, forward Stop! Stop! Stop!
 Monica: Ross, just forget about it. This guy's got you totally wedged in.
 (A beautiful woman approaches.)
 Woman: (To Joey) Is this yours?
 Joey: Well actually
 Ross: No-no-no! It's mine! It's-it's mine. (The woman walks
 away.)
 Joey: Dude, you soooo need this car.
 Phoebe: (running up) Okay. Okay, here's what we're gonna do. Okay,
 I'm gonna break into this mini-van and put it in neutral. You guys push it forward so
 Ross can drive out of his spot. Okay? All right, here we go. (She opens her coat and
 reveals that thing car thieves use to break into cars as Ross jumps in behind the wheel.
 She inserts the device, unlocks the door, opens it, and the alarm goes off.) Haul ass!!!!
 (Runs off.)
 (The rest of the gang runs away, except for Ross who's tramped inside his car. To
 hide he puts the top up as Monica, Rachel, and Joey come running past.)
 [Scene: Phoebe's birthday, she's taking the hippity-hop to Ursula's
 apartment as a gift. She knocks on the door and Ursula answers it.]
 Phoebe: Happy thirtieth birthday! Here! (Hands her the hippity-hop.) It's
 for the child in you, and the woman. Happy thirtieth!
 Ursula: Right, why do you keep saying that?
 Phoebe: Because it's our thirtieth birthday.
 Ursula: Yeah, no we're not thirty. We're 31. Okay. (She closes the
 door.)
 Phoebe: Wait! (Knocks on the door and Ursula opens it.)
 Ursula: Oh, it's you.
 Phoebe: Yeah. What?!
 Ursula: Yeah, we're not thirty, we're 31.
 Phoebe: Nu-uh!
 Ursula: Yea-huh! That's what is says on my birth certificate.
 Phoebe: You have your birth certificate?
 Ursula: Yeah, I got a big box of family stuff when my mom died.
 Phoebe: Our mom.
 Ursula: (sarcastic) Right! Okay. (Hands Phoebe her births certificate.)
 Phoebe: Do you have my birth certificate?
 Ursula: No, I sold it to a Swedish runaway.
 Phoebe: (reading the certificate) Oh my God! Oh my God, we are 31.
 Ursula: Yeah.
 Phoebe: I just lost a whole year of my life.
 Ursula: (sarcastic) Okay.
 Phoebe: Your middle name is Pamela?
 Ursula: Yes.
 Phoebe: Well, I never knew mine. Do you remember what it is?
 Ursula: Yes! Phoebe.
 Phoebe: That's my first name.
 Ursula: Right, okay, then no.
 [Scene: Monica's birthday, it's just after the surprise.]
 Chandler: Okay before we start the celebration, Monica has to go put on her
 party dress.
 Monica: Yay!
 Chandler: See? (Does his laugh.) Here we go. (Starts walking her to their room,
 and has to pass in front of Mr. Geller who's sitting at the table and Mrs. Geller
 who's standing next to him.)
 Mr. Geller: Happy birthday, sweetie! Give us a hug! (Starts to get up.)
 Mrs. Geller: (stopping him) Don't get up Jack! The safety pins are about to
 blow.
 (They continue their trek.)
 Monica: (sees someone) Paul!
 Chandler: (correcting her) Phil.
 Monica: Phil!
 Chandler: Now, there is a dress laid out on your bed. (Monica stumbles on the
 steps.) Okay, (catches her) you're doing great. You're doing great. You're
 doing fine.
 (Phoebe approaches as they almost get to their room.)
 Phoebe: Hey, what's going on?
 Chandler: Monica's a little drunk.
 Phoebe: Yay! I love drunk Monica!
 Monica: Awwwww  (Giggles.)
 Chandler: (To Monica) Go change! (To Phoebe) She doesn't want her parents
 to know she's drunk.
 Phoebe: Ohh! All right! All right. Here's what we'll do, I'll get
 twice as drunk as Monica and then no one will even notice her.
 (Chandler walks over to where the rest of the gang is.)
 Rachel: What's-what's going on? Phil's really pissed!
 Chandler: Monica's wasted.
 Ross: Maybe that will liven up this party.
 Chandler: (To Rachel) Okay, will you just go help her change please!
 Rachel: Okay, but taking care of a drunk, naked woman seems like a job for Joey.
 Joey: Yep. (Starts for Monica's room, but Chandler stops him.)
 [Scene: Rachel's birthday, everyone is presenting their presents to Rachel.]
 Tag: (handing his to her) This one's from me.
 Rachel: Ahh!
 Tag: It wasn't on your list, but hopefully you'll think it's
 really fun.
 Rachel: (opening it) A scooter! (She's not happy.)
 Ross: (to Tag) Stick to the list. Always stick to the list.
 Rachel: No! No-no, I love it. Thank you. (Kisses him.)
 Chandler: Okay, open ours next. Open ours next!
 Rachel: Okay.
 Joey: Now that you're a couple, we don't get two presents from you
 guys?
 Chandler: For my last birthday you gave me a hug! (To Rachel) Okay, read
 the card! Read the card!
 Rachel: Okay. (Opens the card and reads it.) Happy birthday Grandma! It's
 better to be over the hill (starting to cry) then buried under it. (Breaks down as
 everyone glares at them.) All our love Monica and Chandler. (Crying) That's funny,
 yeah!


Chandler: No-no-no-no! That was the joke!
 Rachel: (crying) No, I know! I get it! It's funny!
 Chandler: No, because you're not a grandmother!
 Rachel: No I know, because to be a grandmother you have to be married and have
 children and I don't have any of those things. That's why it's so funny.
 (Runs into her room crying.)
 Monica: All you had to do was buy the card!
 [Scene: Rachel's birthday, a time lapse has occurred. Rachel is coming back into
 the living room carrying a notepad.]
 Ross: Hey! Look who's back! It's the birthday girl! How's the
 birthday girl feeling?
 Rachel: Well, I feel fine, but I think you're bumming out the rest of the
 kids.
 Ross: What? (Glances over and sees the faces of the rest of the group, then goes
 and sits down.)
 Rachel: Okay! Y'know what? I realized it was stupid to get upset about not
 having a husband and kids. All I really needed was a plan. See I wanna have three
 kids
 Phoebe: Oh let me guess, and you wanna have them all at the same time and you
 wanna have them for your brother.
 Rachel: As I was saying  I should probably have the first of the three kids
 by the time I'm 35 which gives me five years. I love this plan! I wanna marry this
 plan!
 Phoebe: If you could do that, I'd marry the hippity-hop.
 Rachel: So, if I wanna have my kid when I'm 35, I don't have to get
 pregnant until I'm 34. Which gives Prada four years to start making maternity
 clothes! Oh wait, but I do want to be married for a year before I get pregnant
 Monica: Really! That long?! (Chandler slowly turns and looks at her.) (To
 Chandler) Look all you want, it's happening!
 Rachel: No, so I don't have to get married until I'm 33! That's
 three years, that's three whole years Oh, wait a minute though. I'll need a
 year and a half to plan the wedding, and I'd like to know the guy for a year, year
 and a half before we get engaged  Which means I need to meet the guy by the time
 I'm thirty.
 Ross: Which is fine! Because you just turned (Removes two candles
 from the cake) twenty-eight!
 Rachel: No! Ross, no! It is not fine! Eh-eh-according to my plan I should
 already be with the guy I wanna marry!
 (We hear Tag scream out in the hallway and jump into view of the open door on the
 scooter. He gives a hearty thumbs up to the group and rides off, with Joey following
 breathlessly behind.)
 Joey: Will you quit hoggin' it!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica's birthday, Monica is now dressed and is being helped out by
 Chandler and Rachel.]
 Rachel: (To Chandler) I'm telling you it's like watching Bambi learn
 how to walk.
 Ross: (To Monica) You're drunk! Mom and dad are gonna be maaaaadd! Maybe
 I'm a little drunk.
 (Monica sits down on the barcalounger.)
 Chandler: (to a waiter) Oh that's great! Right there! Can we get some of
 that over here please? (The waiter comes over) There we go.
 Joey: (to the waiter) Hey! Are those crab cakes? (The waiter nods) Did I not
 tell ya to come straight to me when more crab cakes were ready?
 Chandler: (To Monica) How are you feeling?
 Monica: You are so handsome! I wanna make love to you right here, right
 now! (Growls and pulls him into a kiss.)
 Ross: I really wish that you wouldn't.
 Chandler: (To Monica) Now all you have to do is just get through a little bit
 more, okay? Then we can put you in bed, okay? Just smile and don't talk to anyone.
 Phoebe: (clinking two glasses together) Speech! Speech! Let's hear from the
 birthday girl! Huh?
 Chandler: Pheebs!!
 Phoebe: Don't you see? Everyone's looking at me! The plan's
 working! I didn't even have to take off my top yet!
 Mrs. Geller: Speech! Come on Monica!
 Ross: Come on!
 All: Come on! Speech!
 (Monica stands up and wobbles slightly and Chandler runs over to catch her.)
 Mr. Geller: (filming this) Hey Chandler, you can't keep your hands off her
 for one second!
 Mrs. Geller: Oh-ho, I think it's nice.
 Chandler: I think it's necessary. (Backs away anyhow.)
 Monica: I-I-I wanna thank you all for coming. My family and my friends
 Phoebe: (screaming) Wooo!! Hoo!!
 Monica: I really like to say that I'm-um  (Pause) Y'know what
 I'd really like to say? I'm drunk!! (Mrs. Geller pulls the camera down.)
 That's right mom and dad your little Harmonica is hammered!! (Ross grabs the camera
 out of his dad's hands.) And guess what! I've been drunk before! And I've
 smoked a cigarette! And I got a box of Ding-Dongs hidden in my underwear drawer!
 It's all okay. It's okay because I turned thirty today. And, and I can do
 anything I want! Because I am a grown up. (Falls over sideways with Ross filming
 the fall.)