Rachel: All right.
 Chandler: Okay, so you will meet our guys?
 Rachel: Yes, I'll meet  em.
 Chandler: Okay now it doesn't matter which one you choose, y'know?
 It's completely up to you. Our guy is perfect, or you can go out with the guy Phoebe
 deemed not good enough to go out with herself.
 Joey: (entering) Pheebs! There you are! Okay, you broke my fridge; you owe me
 400 bucks!
 Phoebe: Okay sure!
 Joey: Really?!
 Phoebe: Ooh, technically you owe me $600 for sending out happy thoughts on your
 last ten auditions.
 Joey: Call it even?
 Phoebe: Okay.
 (Ross returns.)
 Chandler: (To Ross) Well, there you are! So what did Elizabeth say?
 Ross: Well, it turns out that she is going to Daytona for spring break woo-hoo.
 That means, that means wet T-shirt contests, guys doing shots off of girl's bodies,
 waking up next to people you don't even know
 Joey: Man, she is going to have a great time! Is she staying at the Hotel
 Corona?
 Chandler: You know the hotels?
 Joey: Sure! I was there! Spring Break '81! Woo-hoo!
 Monica: In 1981 you were 13!
 Joey: So what? I drove down, sold T-shirts, had a blast. And y'know who
 knows how to party? Drunk college chicks.
 Ross: Okay, she can't go.
 Phoebe: Ross, you can't tell her not to go. You just started dating.
 Ross: Then what am I supposed to do?
 Phoebe: Nothing, you just have to be cool with it.
 Ross: Well, what is she goes down and-and sleeps with a bunch of guys?
 Chandler: Well, maybe you don't marry this one.
 [Scene: Elizabeth's apartment, she is packing for her trip as Ross watches.]
 Ross: I'm so glad you're going on this trip!
 Elizabeth: Yeah! I've been working so hard this semester. I really need to
 go crazy y'know, blow off some steam.
 Ross: Sure. Sure. Look I don't, I don't know if your plans are
 finalized yet, but umm, hey I-I know another great way to blow off steam.
 Elizabeth: What?
 Ross: Are you into crafts at all?
 Elizabeth: Ross, are you okay?
 Ross: Well, yeah, of-of course I'm okay! What? I'm just being
 supportive. Supportive of you and this whole trip, and-and (notices something) what-what
 is uh, what's this? (He holds up a rather skimpy bathing suit.)
 Elizabeth: It's a bathing suit?
 Ross: To wear in front of people?
 Elizabeth: Is that supportive?
 Ross: Is this?!
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is reading as Monica and Chandler enter.]
 Monica: Hey!
 Chandler: Good-good-good-good.
 Monica: Hey!
 Chandler: Hey!
 Rachel: Hi!
 Monica: We're really glad you decided to meet our guy.
 Rachel: Oh
 Monica: You're gonna like him so much. So umm, when do you want to meet
 him?
 Rachel: I don't know. I know I don't work late tomorrow night.
 Chandler: Tomorrow night is good. Tomorrow night is good, but uh, y'know
 what? Why put off something till tomorrow that you can do right now? (Laughs) Eldad come
 here! (He stands up from the next table.)
 Rachel: What?
 Monica: Eldad, this is Rachel.
 Eldad: How are you?
 Rachel: Well-well a little blind sided but y'know good.
 Chandler: Eldad, sit down. (To Rachel) Move over! Move over now!
 Rachel: I Ohh! (Moves over and lets Eldad sit on the couch.)
 Chandler: There you go! There you are! (Rachel stares at Monica and Chandler)
 Monica: Okay! Okay! We can take a hint! (They start to leave but run into Phoebe
 with her guy in tow.) (To Phoebe) What are you doing here?!
 Phoebe: This is Patrick. (Points to him.)
 Patrick: Hi.
 Chandler: Hi. (To Phoebe) Okay, you're too late okay? Because she's
 already with our guy.
 Phoebe: (looks) Oh my God, you're right! I am too late; they're
 sitting on the couch and talking! (To Patrick) Come on! (They go over to the couch.)
 Rachel?
 Rachel: Yeah?
 Phoebe: This is Patrick.
 Rachel: Oh, hi.
 Patrick: Hi.
 Phoebe: Yeah, this is the guy I was telling you about.
 Rachel: Yeah?
 Phoebe: Yeah. And believe me, this suit does not do justice to what's
 underneath it.
 Rachel: Oh-okay, but Pheebs?
 Phoebe: Yeah?
 Rachel: I'm just sort of in the middle of something.
 Phoebe: Oh! Okay! Yeah, that's okay. (To Patrick) Have a seat. (Sits
 Patrick down next to Rachel.)
 Monica: No! You can't do that!
 Eldad: Maybe I should go!
 Monica: (stopping him) Sit down! We're winning!
 Rachel: Okay, y'know what? Maybe I should go!
 All: (Chandler stops her) No-no-no-no! Have a seat! Have a seat!
 Monica: Rachel! Rachel! You haven't touched Eldad's hair!
 Chandler: It is the softest hair! Touch it! (Both he and Monica do so.)
 Rachel: Yeah, I'm good.
 Phoebe: Rachel? Patrick is really rich. (To Patrick) Give her some money.
 Patrick: Y'know what Phoebe? This isn't really worth the free massage.
 Monica: That's right Patrick, bye-bye!


 The One With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
 The One With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
 Written by: Doty Abrams
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 With Scenes Taken From Episodes Transcribed by: Mindy
 Mattingly Phillips, guineapig, Ruth
 Curran, Josh Hodge, and Me.
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Phoebe is helping Joey rehearse for an audition.
 Phoebe is overacting her part.]
 Joey: The reactor's gonna blow in three seconds, we're never gonna
 make it!
 Phoebe: You've got to get out of here! Save yourself!
 Joey: No! I won't leave you!
 Phoebe: Don't worry about me, I'm a robot! I'm just a machine!!
 Joey: No you're not! Not to me!
 Phoebe: (she stops reading from the script) Oh my God.
 Joey: What?
 Phoebe: I am extremely talented!
 Joey: Yeah, you're great! Okay, let's take it from
 Phoebe: (interrupting) No, I mean I was really acting my ass off.
 Joey: Yeah, I thought I was pretty good too.
 Phoebe: Oh yeah, you're solid. Yeah, you're just no me.
 Joey: Y'know what? I think that's enough for now. Yeah. I don't
 want to be over rehearsed.
 Phoebe: (tremendously overacting) Fine! I'll do it without you! (Joey gives
 her thumbs up) I don't need you or anybody else! I'm gonna make it on my own!
 (Joey closes the door to his bedroom.) You'll see!! You'll all see!!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey is memorizing his lines. Chandler, Rachel,
 and Phoebe are there as well.]
 Chandler: (To Joey) So uh, what's this thing you're auditioning for?
 Joey: Oh, it's a new TV show. Yeah. I'm up for the part of Mac
 Macaveli or 'Mac.' Yeah, I'm a detective and I solve crimes with the help
 of my robot partner. He's a, he's a Computerized Humanoid Electronically
 Enhanced Secret Enforcer or-or 'C.H.E.E.S.E.'
 Rachel: So Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
 Joey: That's the title! Yeah! Y'know they really lucked out that the
 initials spell cheese.
 Chandler: That is lucky.
 Rachel: Huh Wait so Joey if you get this, you're gonna be like the
 star of your own TV show! I mean you'll be like the Big Cheese! (To Phoebe) Or the
 Big Mac Hey! You love those!
 Joey: Well, don't get your hopes up, because probably not gonna happen.
 Chandler: Now-now, why would you say that Joseph?
 Joey: I mean come on you guys! My own TV show? I just don't know if
 I'm good enough.
 Phoebe: I am.
 Rachel: Joey, what are you talking about? You're a terrific actor.
 Joey: You really think so?
 Rachel: Ugh, how can you even ask that question?!
 [And with that we go into the save the budget portion of the show, which features
 flashbacks from previous episodes. The first set of auditions feature high lights or low
 lights of Joey's acting career. The first flashback is from The One With The Lesbian Wedding.]
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there to watch Joey's first scene as Dr. Drake
 Remoray.]
 Chandler: Whoa, she's pretty. (Mentioning the girl on TV)
 Joey: Yeah, and oh she's really nice too. She taught me all about how to
 work the cameras, and smell-the-fart acting.
 Rachel: I'm sorry, what?
 Monica: What?
 Ross: Excuse me?
 Joey: It's like, you got so many lines to learn so fast, that sometimes
 you need a minute to remember your next one. So while you're thinkin' of it, you take this
 big pause where you look all intense, you know, like this. (Does this intense look where
 it looks like he's smelling a fart.)
 Chandler: Oh, ok.
 Joey: (there's a gunshot on TV) There's my scene, there's my scene. [Joey on
 tv] 'Mrs. Wallace, I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray, your sister's neurosurgeon. I'm
 afraid the situation is much worse than we expected. Your sister is suffering from
 a...' (Does the smell-the-fart look.)
 [The next flashback is from The One With The Butt.
 The gang is watching Joey in Freud!]
 Joey: (on stage in an Austrian accent) Vell, Eva, ve've done some excellent vork
 here, and I vould have to say, your pwoblem is qviiite clear. (He goes into a song and
 dance number.)
 All you want is a dingle,
   What you envy's a schwang,
   A thing through which you can tinkle,
   Or play with, or simply let hang...
 [The next flashback is also from The One With The Butt
 and it's also on the soundtrack. He's Joey telling everyone about his big break in
 Monica and Rachel's apartment.]
 Joey: I play Al Pacino's butt. All right? He goes into the shower, and
 then- I'm his butt.
 Monica: (trying not to laugh) Oh my God.
 Joey: C'mon, you guys. This is a real movie, and Al Pacino's in it, and
 that's big!
 Chandler: Oh no, it's terrific, it's- it's- y'know, you deserve this, after all
 your years of struggling, you've finally been able to crack your way into show business.


Joey: Okay, okay, fine! Make jokes, I don't care! This is a big break for me!
 Ross: You're right, you're right, it is.
 Monica: Yes.
 Ross: So you gonna invite us all to the big opening?
 [Cut back to Joey about to leave for his audition for Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]
 Joey: All right well, I'm outta here. Wish me luck.
 Phoebe: (overacting with a song this time) (singing) Gooood luck! Gooood
 luck! We all wish you good luuuuuuuuck!!!
 Joey: Yeah, whatever. (Exits.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are playing chess and are both studying the
 board intently.]
 Ross: It's your turn.
 Chandler: Oh, are we playing this?!
 Joey: (entering, dejectedly) Hey.
 Chandler: Hey! How'd the audition go?
 Joey: Terrible! I messed up every line! I shouldn't even be
 an actor!
 Ross: Wait a minute, are you doing that thing where you pretend it didn't
 go well but it really did go well?
 Joey: Yeah, did I fool ya?
 Ross: Totally!
 Chandler: So it did go well.
 Joey: Oh, it went amazingly well!
 Ross: Great!
 Chandler: Oh that's great!
 Joey: Yeah-yeah, it's down to me and two other guys.
 Chandler: Oh my God!
 Ross: Wow!
 Joey: And I know both of them, they're really good. One of them is the guy
 from those allergy commercials who's always getting chased by those big flowers
 Ross: Oh, I love that guy! (Laughs.)
 Chandler: Oh-oh, what are you doing?
 Ross: (stops laughing) What am I doing?
 Joey: I'm just so nervous! Y'know? The callback isn't until
 tomorrow at five. I feel like my head is going to explode!
 Chandler: Well, it is overdue.
 Ross: Look, don't worry. Okay? You're gonna be fine.
 Joey: There's just so much pressure. I mean no offense, but what you guys
 do is very different. I don't know if you'd understand.
 Ross: Yeah, none of us have to deal with pressure at our jobs.
 [Thus starts another series of flashbacks all dealing with the pressure the rest of the
 Friends have to deal with in their jobs. The first flashback is from The One With The Stoned Guy.]
 [Scene: Chandler's office. He's on the phone, agitated.]
 Chandler: (on phone) Yes, Fran. I know what time it is, but I'm looking at the
 WENUS and I'm not happy!
 [The next flashback is from The One With The Prom Video.
 Monica is at a job interview at a new restaurant.]
 Monica: Alright, well I'm tearing the lettuce.
 Interviewer: Uh-huh. Is it dirty?
 Monica: Oh-oh, no no don't worry, I'm gonna wash it.
 Interviewer: Don't, I like it dirty.
 Monica: That's your call.
 Interviewer: So, uh, what are you going to do next?
 Monica: Well, I thought that I would cut up the tomatos.
 Interviewer: Are they, uh, firm?
 Monica: They'r alright.
 Interviewer: You sure they haven't gone bad? You're sure they're not very,
 very bad?
 Monica: No really, they're OK.
 Interviewer: You gonna slice them up real nice?
 Monica: Actually, I was gonna do them jullienne.
 Interviewer: Aaaahhhhhhh.
 Monica: I'm outa here. [Monica leaves]
 [The next flashback is from The One With Rachel's Crush.]
 [Scene: Bloomingdale's, Rachel's new job.]
 Rachel: (on the phone) Monica, I'm quitting! I just helped an 81 year
 old woman put on a thong and she didn't even buy it! (Pause) I'm telling you
 I'm quitting! That's it! I'm talking to my boss right now! (Pause) Yes I
 am! (Pause) Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Okay bye, call me when you
 get this message. (Hangs up.)
 [The next flashback is from The One With The Dozen Lasagnas, Phoebe is telling everyone
 but Rachel about the pass Paulo made on her.]
 Monica: Well, what happened?
 Phoebe: Well, he came in for a massage and everything was fine until...
 (The flashback shows Paulo lying face down on the massage table and slowly moving his
 hands up Phoebe's legs and grabbing her butt.)
 All: Ohhhhhh!
 Ross: Oh my God!
 Phoebe: And all of the sudden his hands weren't the problem anymore. (The
 flashback shows Paulo rolling over and showing Phoebe his equipment.)
 Monica: Was it...
 Phoebe: Oh, Boy Scouts could've camped under it!
 [The next flashback is from The One With Ross's Sandwich,
 Ross his confronting his boss about him eating Ross's sandwich.]
 Ross: You ate my sandwich?
 Dr. Leedbetter: It was a simple mistake. It could happen to anyone.
 Ross: (getting upset) Oh-oh really?
 Dr. Leedbetter: Now-now calm down. Come look in my office, some of it my still
 be in the trash.
 Ross: (jumping to his feet in anger) What?
 Dr. Leedbetter: Well, it was quite large. I-I-I-I-I had to throw most of it
 away.
 Ross: You-you-you-you (trying to remain in control) threw my sandwich away!
 [Cut to an outside shot of the museum.]
 Ross: (losing control, we hear him shout outside) MY SANDWICH?!!!
 [Cut to a shot of a park.]


Ross: MY SANDWICH!!!!!! (Ross's scream scares a flight of pigeons away.)
 [Cut back to Central Perk.]
 Joey: I want this part so much! Y'know? If I don't get this part
 I'm never gonna eat Macaroni and Cheese again! No, I didn't say
 that! That's a lie.
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Chandler is there talking to the chick and duck.]
 Chandler: Oh come on guys, it's not like I moved to Europe! I just moved
 across the hall! And we would have you over all the time if it weren't for
 (struggles to get this out) Monica's allergies. (The duck quacks.) You're right,
 I could never lie to you. She hates you. (The phone rings.) Should I get that? (Laughs,
 then answers the phone.) Hello? (Listens) Uh no, Joey's not here right now. Can I
 take a message? (Listens) Yeah, okay so the audition has been moved from 5:00 to 2:30?
 (Listens) Okay great. (Listens.) Bye. (Hangs up the phone and goes to write the message on
 the Magna-Doodle on the door but Monica walks in and forces him to jump out of the
 way.)
 Monica: (startled) Ahh! Aren't you dressed yet?
 Chandler: (looks down at his clothes) Am I naked again?!
 Monica: We're supposed to meet my parents in 15 minutes.
 Chandler: Yeah okay, I was just talking to the guys. Just look at them I mean,
 is it okay if they come visit?
 Monica: Wh?! What about my allergies?!
 Chandler: Oh right, your allergies. (Monica leaves and to the chick and duck)
 All her, she hates you. (Chandler leaves without finishing the message for Joey.)
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey and Chandler are playing foosball and Joey
 scores a goal.]
 Joey: Yes!! Ha-ha!! All right! Hey! How cool would it be if you could watch like
 a real life-sized version of this? Huh? I mean how crazy would that be?
 Chandler: As crazy as soccer?
 (The phone rings and Joey answers it.)
 Joey: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) What are you talking about? The
 audition's not  til 5:00! (Chandler suddenly remembers and looks at the
 unfinished message then tries to sneak over and finish it as Joey listens.) Well, nobody
 told me! (Listens) Who'd you talk to? (Listens and turns around to see Chandler
 trying to finish the message.) Nevermind! (Hangs up.)
 Chandler: You mean you didn't get it from this?
 Joey: The allergy guy got the part! Thanks!
 Chandler: Well, maybe we can fix it y'know? Maybe we can send him some-some
 big-big flowers and scare him!
 Joey: How could you do this to me Chandler?! This part could've turned my
 whole career around!
 Chandler: I messed up. Okay? I'm sorry, I really messed up.
 Joey: Hey, you don't even live here anymore! What are you doing answering
 my phone? I have my machine!
 Chandler: Which I bought for ya. Taught ya how to use it. You thought it was a
 copier. Look, if there was anything I could do, I would do it. Okay? But everybody's
 allowed one mistake, right?
 [Joey just laughs as a third set of flashbacks featuring Chandler's mistakes
 starts. The first flashback is from The One With The Prom
 Video. It's Chandler telling Phoebe how much he hates the bracelet Joey bought
 him. They're both at Central Perk.]
 Chandler: You know he coulda gotten me a VCR, he coulda gotten me a set of
 golf clubs, but no, he has to get me the woman repeller! The eyesore from the
 Liberace house of crap!
 Phoebe: It's not that bad.
 Chandler: Oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you don't have to walk around
 sporting some reject from the Mr. T collection. [Joey walks in behind Chandler]
 Phoebe: Chandler, Chandler.
 Chandler: I pity the fool who puts on my jewelry, I do, I do. I pity the
 fool that. . . [turns around and sees Joey] Hi!
 [The next flashback is from The One Where Chandler
 Crosses The Line. He's telling Joey that he kissed Cathy.]
 Chandler: Yeah, I mean when you were late last night, Kathy and I got to
 talking, and one thing to another and
 Joey: And what?! Did you sleep with her?!
 Chandler: No! No! No! I just kissed her.
 Joey: What?!! That's even worse!!
 Chandler: How is that worse?!
 Joey: I don't know! But it's the same!
 Chandler: You're right, I have no excuses! I was totally over the
 line.
 Joey: Over the line?! You-you're-you're so far past the line,
 that you-you can't even see the line! The line is a dot to you!
 [Cut back to Joey and Rachel's apartment.]
 Chandler: Look, I'm not saying that you should magically forgive me! But
 you're not perfect! You've made some errors in judgment too!
 Joey: Name one!
 [Chandler proceeds to point out Joey's errors in this forth set of flashbacks. The
 first flashback is from The One With The Cat.
 Chandler has just returned home to see that their apartment has been cleaned out and finds
 Joey trapped in the entertainment center.]


Chandler: (lets him out) What happened?!!
 Joey: (getting out) Awww, man! He promised he wouldn't take the chairs!!
 Chandler: What the hell happened?!! How were you locked in?!! And where
 the hell is all of our stuff?!!
 Joey: Well, this guy came by to look at the unit and-and he said he
 didn't think big enough to fit a grown man!
 Chandler: So--You got in voluntarily?!
 Joey: I was tryin' to make a sale!! Oh, man, if I ever run into that
 guy again, do you know what I'm gonna do?
 Chandler: BEND OVER?!!!
 [The next flashback is from The One With The Candy Hearts. Joey and Chandler are
 waiting at a restaurant as Lorraine and her friend arrive.]
 Chandler: Ok, now, remember, no trading. You get the pretty one, I get the mess.
 Lorraine: Hi, Joey. (Sees Chandler.) Well well, look what you brought.
 Chandler: ...And what did you bring?
 Lorraine: She's checking the coats. Joey, I'm gonna go wash the cab
 smell off my hands. Will you get me a white Zinfandel, and a glass of red for Janice.
 Chandler: Janice?
 (Lorraine leaves. Joey shakes his head as though to say, 'It can't be the same Janice.'
 Janice enters.)
 Chandler: Janice?!
 Janice: Oh.... my.... God.
 [The next flashback is from The One With Ross's New
 Girlfriend. Chandler is telling Ross and Joey that Joey's tailor took advantage
 of him.]
 Chandler: Joey's tailor...took advantage of me.
 Ross: What?
 Joey: No way! I've been going to the guy for 12 years.
 Chandler: Oh come on! He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his
 hand up my leg, and then, there was definite...
 Ross: What?
 Chandler: Cupping.
 Joey: That's how they do pants! Ross, will you tell him? Isn't that how
 they measure pants?
 Ross: Yes, yes it is. In prison!
 [Cut back to the present.]
 Joey: I said name one!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Rachel are consoling Chandler.]
 Chandler: I can't believe I did this! What an idiot!
 Monica: Oh, stop beating yourself up! People make mistakes! These things happen!
 There aren't any message you've forgotten to give me are there? (Chandler has a
 disgusted look on his face.) Apparently you're not very good at it! I
 Chandler: Do you think he'll ever forgive me?
 Rachel: Of course he will! But Chandler the most important thing is you forgive
 yourself!
 Chandler: Y'know what? I-I kinda have.
 Rachel: Already? That's pretty bad what you did.
 Monica: Y'know what? He will forgive you. And I like to bring a pad
 with me when I go answer the phone just in case  (Chandler gets that disgusted look
 back.) Okay
 Chandler: You didn't see how mad he was, y'know?
 Rachel: I'm sure he will forgive you. Look, we have all been there!
 Y'know, you fight, you make up, it's just the way it works.
 [We then go into another set of flashbacks of famous fights. The first is the second
 breakup of Ross and Rachel from The One With The Jellyfish.]
 Ross: It took two people to break up this relationship!!
 Rachel: Yeah! You and that girl from that copy place, which yesterday you took
 full responsibility for!!
 Ross: I didn't know what I was taking full responsibility for! Okay?! I
 didn't finish the whole letter!
 Rachel: What?!!
 Ross: I fell asleep!
 Rachel: (mocking him) You fell asleep?!
 Ross: It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for 18 pages. Front and
 back!! (they go into the living room, trapping Monica, Chandler, and Joey in the kitchen)
 (to Rachel) Oh-oh-oh, and by the way, Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means  you are,'
 Y-O-U-R means  your!'
 Rachel: Y'know I can't believe I even thought about getting back
 together again! We are so over!!
 Ross: (starts to cry) FINE BY ME!! (he opens the door and traps Chandler behind
 it)
 Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, it's not that common! It doesn't
 happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!!
 Chandler: (coming out from behind the door) I KNEW IT!!!!
 [The next flashback is from The One After The Superbowl,
 Part II. Monica and Rachel are fighting over who gets to see Jean-Claude Van
 Damme.]
 Monica: You had no right to go out with him.
 Rachel: That is the most ridiculous...
 Monica: You sold me out.
 Rachel: I did not sell you out.
 Monica: Yes you did. You absolutely sold me...
 Rachel: Would you let me talk. [flicks Monica on the forehead]
 Monica: Did you just flick me?
 Rachel: OK, well, you wouldn't let me finish and I was jus- [Monica flicks her
 back] Ow. That hurt [flicks Monica]
 (They keep flicking each other. This turns into slapping each other.)
 Phoebe: Oh! All right. Now, let's not do this!
 (Rachel tackles Monica onto the couch.)
 Phoebe: Happy thoughts! Happy thoughts!
 (They wrestle on the couch for a little while until Monica gets the upper hand and
 pulls Rachel off of the couch by her sock. Monica removes Rachel's sock and starts
 beating her with it.)This leads to wrestling on the floor. This finally angers Phoebe.)


Phoebe: OK, now I'm gonna kick some ass.
 (Phoebe grabs each of them by an ear.)
 Monica and Rachel: Ow! Ow! Ow!
 Phoebe: I know! I know! I know!
 Phoebe: Alright, now I will let go if you both stop.
 Rachel: Fine!
 Monica: Fine!
 Phoebe: There we go.You know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be,
 like, my bitches.
 [The next flashback is from The One Where No One's Ready.
 Joey is retaliating against Chandler hiding his underwear by wearing a whole bunch of
 clothes.]
 Joey: Okay, buddy-boy. Here it is. You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything
 you own.
 Chandler: Oh my God!
 Joey: Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes?
 Maybe if I wasn't going commando...
 (Chandler does this throat sound.)
 Joey: Yeah. Whew, it's hot with all of this stuff on. I ah, I better not do any,
 I don't know, lunges. (starts doing lunges)
 [The next flashback is from The One Where Eddie Moves In.
  It's the sequence where Joey and Chandler are both saddened that they're not living
 together anymore. All By Myself is playing in the background.]
 [Joey's place. He goes to say something to Chandler in the other chair but no one's
 there. He goes to call Chandler but decides not to and throws the phone back down.]
 [Chandler's. He's playing foosball by himself.]
 [Joey's. Playing ping pong by himself.]
 [Chandler is sitting in front of a window while it's raining outside. We see Joey
 through a rainy window. The camera zooms out to show it's just his tabletop water
 sculpture.]
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Chandler is entering with a peace offering of a
 Joey Special, two pizzas.]
 Chandler: Joey? Got you a Joey Special, two pizzas! Joe? (The phone rings
 and he answers it) (On phone) Hello? (Takes the phone away from his mouth when he realizes
 what he just did and yells.) Damnit! (Back on phone.) Hello? (Listens.) No, Joey's
 not here right now, but I can take a message I think. (Listens) He's still got a
 chance for the part?! Oh, that's great news! (Listens) Well no obviously not for the
 actor who was mauled by his dog. (Listens) Oh well, that's great. I will give Joey
 the message. Thank you! (Hangs up and goes to write the message on the Magna-Doodle.)
 Yes! (Reading what he's writing) Okay, Mac audition at 2:00. Allergy actor attacked.
 (Pause) By dog not flowers.
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey is entering to find Chandler waiting
 patiently for him.]
 Joey: Hey!
 Chandler: Please tell me you got the message!
 Joey: What message?
 Chandler: The actor playing Mac couldn't do it, they needed to see you at 2
 o'clock.
 Joey: What?! It's 6 o'clock!
 Chandler: Du-du-I wrote it, I wrote it on the board! I wrote it on the board,
 then I went all over New York City looking for ya! I went to Ross's! I went to the
 coffeehouse! I went to any place that they made sandwiches!
 Joey: I can't believe this Chandler!
 Chandler: Sorry! I-I-I don't know what to say.
 Joey: Well you-you-you-you might say congratulations! I saw the board! I went to
 the audition! I got the part!!
 Chandler: (angrily) Is that supposed to be funny! I was really worried over
 here!
 Joey: Oh, well I'm uh
 Chandler: Y'know, sometimes that fake out thing is just mean!
 Joey: Oh wow! Okay man, I'm sorry. I did not mean to make you feel bad.
 Chandler: Well that's good. Because you didn't! And I'm
 incredibly happy for ya!!
 Joey: (shocked) That's mean! You really had me going there!
 Chandler: Oh, we could do this all day.
 Joey: Yeah, you're right. Okay look, listen, let's talk about what a
 huge star I'm gonna be!
 Chandler: You are gonna be a huge star! I'm gonna hug ya!
 Joey: You hug me!
 Chandler: All right!
 [What follows is the final set of flashbacks that feature a whole lot of lovin'
 between Chandler and Joey. There's no words, just hugs and even the kiss from The One
 With The Monkey. All of this is set to the song, You've Really Got a Hold on Me!]
 [Cut back to the present, they are still in each other's embrace.]
 Joey: Hey, do we do this too much?
 Chandler: I think so. Yeah, get off me.
 Joey: Yeah.
 (They separate.)
 Ending Credits
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey and Phoebe are reading a scene from Mac and
 C.H.E.E.S.E.]
 Joey: Come on C.H.E.E.S.E., I'm not leaving without you! Try routing your
 backup source through your primary CPU.
 Phoebe: (overacting badly) I can't! My circuits are fried! They're
 fried I tell you!!
 Joey: Wow! (Back to reading the scene.) Well then I'll just have to carry
 you.
 (Suddenly Ross jumps up from behind the counter armed with a plastic gun. By the way,
 he's overacting too.)


 The One Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
 The One Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
 Teleplay by: Scott Siveri
 Story by: David J. Lagana
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Rachel, Chandler, and Monica are there. Rachel is reading
 everyone's horoscope.]
 Rachel: Okay, Chandler!
 Chandler: Okay.
 Rachel: And your horoscope says, 'On the fifth a special someone is going
 to give you a gift.'
 Chandler: (To Monica) Oh, well thank you in advance. (Kisses her.)
 Rachel: Op, but the twelfth brings a lover's spat.
 Monica: (To Chandler) You are going to make a joke about my special
 present! Why would you do that?!
 Rachel: Oh, wait and on the nineteenth a secret crush announces itself.
 (Phoebe winks and licks her lips while eyeing Chandler.)
 Joey: (entering) Hey guys!
 Chandler: Hey!!
 Rachel: (ecstatic) Oh my God! It's Joey Tribbiani of Mac and
 C.H.E.E.S.E.!!!!!!!
 (Everyone claps and cheers, Joey mimics looking about with a gun.)
 Chandler: Oh that's right. It's your first day! So are you psyched to
 fight fake crime with your robot sidekick?
 Joey: Am I psyched? The lead in my own TV series? I've dreamed about this
 for years! Why have I not been preparing?!
 Phoebe: No! Joey, you're going to be great!
 Joey: But I got to act with a robot Pheebs, and-and I don't know anything
 about technology! I can't even use Chandler's computer except to find porn!
 And-and that's only  cause it's right there when you turn it on!
 Monica: I think our lover's spat will start a little early this month.
 Phoebe: (in a sexy voice to Chandler) I'll be waiting.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, time lapse. Phoebe is now looking at the covers of two different
 books.]
 Chandler: Are you judging them by their covers? Because you're really not
 supposed to do that.
 Phoebe: No, I'm just deciding which one to use I'm gonna start
 writing another book!
 Rachel: Be-because the last one was such a big seller?
 Phoebe: Well, if you must know I have written 14 books. And as I am the only one
 who has read them, I can tell you that they all have been very well received.
 Ross: (entering) Hey!
 Chandler: Hey!
 Rachel: Hey!
 Ross: What are you guys doing later?
 Phoebe: Oh, Rachel and I have appointments to get our hair cut.
 Rachel: (To Phoebe) We do?
 Phoebe: I want to see what he wants first.
 Rachel: Okay.
 Ross: (continuing) I just found out that Elizabeth's dad wants to meet me.
 Chandler: Wait a minute, hold the phone! You're not Elizabeth's dad?!
 Ross: Come on guys, I-I really want this guy to like me. It-it would really help
 me out if you guys were here to make me look good.
 All: Of course we'll help! Yeah! We'll be here!
 Ross: Thanks!
 Monica: We know how tough those parent/teacher conferences can be.
 [Scene: Pier 59 Studios, it's the set of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. The producer is
 showing Joey around the set.]
 The Producer: (walking into Mac's office) So uh, here's your office
 set!
 Joey: Wow! Huh? (Picks up the phone) Mac Macaveli, Private Investigator!
 The Producer: (checking his watch) Let's get you into wardrobe for a
 fitting.
 Joey: Okay. Hey uh, when do I get to meet the robot?
 The Producer: I'm sorry, why don't we do that right now? He's
 right here. (Points to a guy.)
 Joey: Okay.
 The Producer: Joey Tribbiani, this is
 Joey: Oh wow! He's so lifelike! (Starts touching the guy's cheeks)
 Unbelievable! (He starts tugging on the guy's ears.
 The Producer: This is Wayne, the man who created and operates C.H.E.E.S.E.
 Joey: (slaps Wayne on his cheek) How do you do there, Wayne? (Backs away.)
 The Producer: I'll let you two guys get acquainted, huh? (Walks away.)
 Joey: Okay. Sorry about that (Mimics that cheek thing he just did.) Uh, so
 where's C.H.E.E.S.E.?
 Wayne: C.H.E.E.S.E. is right here. (He puts on his headset, picks up the
 controller, and wheels C.H.E.E.S.E. in. C.H.E.E.S.E. is just a plain old robot on tracks;
 he kinda looks like No. 5 in the movie Short Circuit.)
 C.H.E.E.S.E.: (Wayne with a computerized voice) Nice to meet you Mac!
 Joey: (laughs) This is like the temporary robot, right?
 Wayne: No. Why?
 Joey: Well, I-I just, I just it was going to be like a really cool robot,
 y'know? Like the terminator or uh, when I first saw you.
 Wayne: I spent two years developing this machine, it's absolutely state of
 the art.
 Joey: I'm sorry, it just I don't know it doesn't really look
 like it can do anything.
 Wayne: It can do this. (He moves C.H.E.E.S.E.'s arm close to Joey's
 special area and he jumps back.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is at the counter drinking coffee as Elizabeth enters with
 her dad, Paul. Elizabeth goes to kiss Ross, but he just kisses her on the forehead. By the
 way Paul is played by Bruce Willis. Yes, that Bruce Willis from Moonlighting, Die
 Hard, and Armageddon.]
 Elizabeth: This is my father, Paul Stevens. Dad, this is Ross Geller.


Ross: It-it's great to meet you Paul.
 Paul: I usually prefer Elizabeth's boyfriends to address me as Mr. Stevens.
 Ross: Of course, of course, Mr. Stevens.
 Paul: So Ross, what your problem?
 Ross: Eh-wh Excuse me?
 Paul: Why can't you get a girlfriend your own age?
 Ross: That's funny. Umm . (Pause, then serious) It's not funny.
 Paul: I don't like you going out with my daughter Ross.
 Ross: Okay. I can, I can see that. Umm, but I think if you give me umm, one
 chance I can, I can change your mind.
 Paul: Okay.
 Ross: What?
 Paul: Okay. I'll give you one chance to change my mind. (Ross laughs in
 relief) You got one minute. (Ross suddenly gets worried.)
 Elizabeth: Daddy!
 Paul: Fine! Two minutes. Go.
 Ross: This is you (Ross starts laughing.)
 Paul: (laughs then checking his watch) 1 minute 50 seconds.
 Ross: Okay, umm I want you to know that I have never done anything like this
 before. I mean, I mean I've been in um, relationships in general, uh but I have never
 done it with a student I mean I not not it! I mean, I mean I
 don't We haven't done it. Uh, I mean, I mean,
 we've-we've-we've done stuff. (Paul is not amused.) Okay, okay, a joke, a
 joke lighten the mood. Umm, two guys go into a bar. One of them is Irish.
 Paul: I'm Irish.
 Ross: And the Irish guy wins the joke!
 (Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe enter.)
 Monica: Ross!!
 Chandler: Ross!
 Monica: How crazy that we'd run into you!
 Ross: Oh God, thank you! (Runs and gives all of them a group hug.) Umm, uh, Mr.
 Stevens I'd like you to meet my friends uh, this is Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler.
 Phoebe: You're Elizabeth's father, huh? I can see now where she gets
 her rugged handsomeness.
 Monica: (obviously attracted to him) Is-is-is there a-a Mrs. Stevens?
 Chandler: There's a Mr. Bing!
 Paul: No, unfortunately Lizzie's mom passed away shortly after she was
 born. I raised her by myself.
 Phoebe and Monica: (sympathetic) Ohh!
 Paul: I get that a lot.
 Ross: Okay umm, why don't we all take a seat, y'know? And uh, and
 I'll get us all some uh some coffees (He goes to pull out Elizabeth's
 chair, but Paul steps in) Yeah, why don't you. (Paul pulls out her chair) Uh and
 you guys can talk about whatever, whatever you want. Y'know? Whatever pops into your
 head. (He turns his back to Paul and Elizabeth and points to himself for Chandler, Monica,
 and Phoebe. Then he goes to order the coffee.)
 Monica: Y'know, it is so strange seeing Ross here this time of day,
  cause usually he's got the children's hospital.
 Phoebe: Yeah. Not looking for dates. (Monica turns in horror.)
 Elizabeth: So uh, Monica is Ross's sister.
 Monica: And he's a great brother!
 Paul: I had a sister.
 Monica: Ohh!
 Paul: She passed away.
 Monica and Phoebe: (sympathetic) Ohh!
 Paul: Oh, you don't have to do that every time.
 Chandler: But uh Ross, Ross is a great guy! I was roommates with him in college.
 Uh, funny story  (He starts laughing then notices that Paul isn't happy.)
 You're roommate in college died didn't he?
 Paul: A part of him did yes.
 Ross: (returning with the coffee) Okay here we are Paul, Elizabeth. (He sets
 down their cups.) So I hope you guys were finding something to talk about.
 Chandler: Yes, we were just
 (Rachel runs in.)
 Rachel: Hi, I'm sorry I'm late but I am ready, ready to talk you up!
 When does Liz's father get here?
 Paul: I'm already here.
 Rachel: Oh! Ross is sooo great!
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is working on her book at the kitchen
 table, Monica is on the couch, and Chandler is entering from the bathroom carrying a
 package of toilet paper.]
 Chandler: Hey honey, you got the kind with the little girl, you said we were
 gonna to get the kind with the baby.
 Monica: No, you said the baby creeps you out.
 Chandler: No, the little girl creeps me out.
 Monica: You said the baby.
 Chandler: Why would the baby creep me out?
 Monica: Why would the little girl creep you out?
 Phoebe: (writing frantically) You guys, I'm sorry, could you please talk a
 little slower?
 Chandler: This is going in your book?
 Phoebe: Yeah, it's about relationships. Y'know? The traps, the
 pitfalls, what not to do, keep going. This stuff is great!
 Monica: What?! Excuse me!
 Phoebe: And how none of it matters when the people really love each other.
 (Chandler and Monica kiss.) And how people will believe anything you tell them as long as
 it's a compliment.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is there alone as Paul enters.]
 Rachel: (seeing him) Oh hi!
 Paul: Hi! Hi. (He's looking around.) I think I left my keys here somewhere.
 Rachel: Oh! Well let's look for them. (Finds some under one of the couch
 cushions. It has a pink, fuzzy ball on the key chain.) Oh-oh-hey! Are these them?
 Paul: No.


Rachel: All right! (Throws them back under the cushion.)
 Paul: Oh, here they are right here. (Picks them up from underneath the corner of
 the couch.)
 Rachel: Oh good.
 Paul: Thanks for your help. (Starts to leave.)
 Rachel: (chasing after him) Oh, wait! Sorry, Mr. Paul? Mr. Paul?
 Paul: Just call me Paul.
 Rachel: Paul. Umm, I just wanted you to know that Ross really is a great guy.
 Paul: Well maybe you can date him then that would save me the trouble of killing
 him. (Rachel laughs then starts looking at him.) Are you okay?
 Rachel: You just don't look old enough to have a twenty-year-old daughter.
 Paul: Well, we were very young when we had her.
 Rachel: Oh. We?
 Paul: Well yeah, it usually, it takes two people to  (He taps his index
 fingers together.)
 Rachel: Oh no! Yes! Of course, I know that! I just I meant y'know are
 you still a  We' or are you just  You?'
 Paul: I'm just me, my wife died shortly after Lizzie was born.
 Rachel: (sympathetic) Ohh. So you raised her all on your own?
 Paul: Yes I did.
 Rachel: Ohh. (She touches his arm for support and likes what she feels) Ooh!
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is still writing in her book, Chandler
 and Monica are in the kitchen as Joey enters.]
 Joey: Hey!
 Chandler: Hey!
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Monica: How was your first day?
 Joey: Pretty great! Except I did get a little attitude from the robot.
 Chandler: Damn those robots, they're supposed to be our faithful
 servants!
 Joey: Anyway, it wasn't the robot, it was the guy who controls him. Yeah,
 he doesn't like me. He had C.H.E.E.S.E. knock over the sandwich right when I was
 reaching for one! Ohh!
 Phoebe: Well, why don't you just get him fired?
 Joey: I may have to, I hate to do it, but I'm the star! Y'know?
 There's a limit to how many sandwiches I can eat off the floor. (His cell phone
 rings) Excuse me. (Answers it, on phone) Joey Tribbiani.
 Estelle: (on the other end) Joe! I'm glad I found ya, I got an audition for
 ya!
 Joey: Wow!
 Estelle: The thing is it's kinda on the Q.T. The actor who has the part
 doesn't know he might be fired. It's the lead in a series, Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
 Joey: I'm the lead in Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.!!
 Estelle: Uh-oh!
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is entering looking for Joey, but instead he finds Paul
 and Rachel making out on the couch.]
 Ross: Joey?!
 Paul: Hi Ross.
 Rachel: I was just getting him to like you.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, scene is continued from earlier.]
 Ross: Joey?! Joey!! (He runs into his bedroom.)
 Rachel: Ross, Joey is not here.
 Ross: Okay, I'll just wait for him in here!
 Rachel: Ross, it's okay. You can come out.
 Paul: Yeah Ross it's okay, it's me, Mr. Stevens.
 Ross: (coming out of the bedroom) Oh! Oh my God! I didn't even see you!
 Paul: Sure you did! You came in, you got all awkward, and you ran into the
 bedroom. You were shouting, 'Joey! Joey!' Bye Rach. (Kisses her.)
 Rachel: Bye!
 Paul: I'll call you later. Bye Ross. (Leaves)
 Ross: What-what-what the how da-how did-what the-how did-what?!
 Rachel: Well, y'know he lost his keys so he was looking for them
 Ross: (incredulous) In your mouth?!
 Rachel: No! Downstairs! And we got to talking y'know, for like two hours,
 and I really liked him so I invited him up here for a cup of coffee.
 Ross: You were at the coffeehouse!
 Rachel: Ross, what's the big deal? So I kissed the guy!
 Ross: He is my girlfriend's father, okay? It's-it's, it's
 weird!
 Rachel: Wh You dated my sister!
 Ross: That was different!
 Rachel: What? Why?!
 Ross: This is weird for me!
 Rachel: Ross look, look this is good for you. Okay? Let's face it, so far
 the guy's not lovin' ya! But I can turn that around! I got the inside track! We
 can all go out to dinner, y'know? And I can talk you up! Ross, the guy is a very, very
 successful lawyer!
 Ross: How is that important?
 Rachel: Oh it's important!
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Joey is telling everyone about his impending
 termination at Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]
 Joey: Apparently, there's like a million guys out there that can play Mac,
 and there's only this one robot and this one guy who controls it! I didn't know
 he could get me fired! What am I going to do?
 Monica: Well y'know Joey, you're a pretty charming guy.
 Joey: Thanks, but I kinda have a problem to deal with here.
 Monica: No sweetie, you've got to win over the guy that controls
 C.H.E.E.S.E.! You've got to kiss some serious robot ass!
 Joey: That's not a bad idea. Yeah. Okay, but if I got to turn on the charm
 tomorrow I'm not wasting anymore of it over here with you guys. (Starts to leave, but
 stops and turns to Phoebe.) Well, actually I got a little bit saved for you Pheebs.
 (Exits.)


Chandler: So do you think uh, Joey's more charming than me?
 Monica: Yeah! That's why I'm sleeping with him on the side.
 Chandler: Yeah, you wish. (Stops to think about it and gets depressed.)
 Phoebe: (writing in her book) 'You wish.'
 Monica: Phoebe, stop writing about us!
 Phoebe: I'm not writing about you! I'm writing about other people.
 Chandler: Who?
 Phoebe: Marcia and Chester.
 Monica: Okay fine! Fine! Then you know what, I'll just write about Phyllis!
 Hmm!
 Chandler: Hmm.
 Monica: (writing on a piece of paper) Phyllis is sitting in a chair.
 Chandler: Oh.
 Phoebe: I see what you're doing!
 Monica: (still writing) Phyllis sees what I'm doing.
 Chandler: Oh-oh.
 Phoebe: Ooh, I have tasted my own medicine and it is bitter!
 [Scene: Pier 59 Studios, Joey is walking up to C.H.E.E.S.E. and Wayne.]
 Joey: Morning! Hey, how's my favorite genius and my little robot buddy?!
 (Pats C.H.E.E.S.E. on the head.)
 Wayne: Don't touch him!
 Joey: Okay! (He yanks his hand away.) All right. Umm, all right Wayne, level
 with me. Okay? I-I keep hearing all these rumors that I might get fired. Okay, they even
 have actors coming in to read for my part! Come on man, you-you got to give me a second
 chance! I mean, I love-I love this little guy! (He grabs C.H.E.E.S.E.'s arm and pulls
 it off at the elbow.) Ah-ah!! (Wayne is shocked.) Okay, that's why you didn't
 want me to touch him right? Here you go! Okay? (Hands Wayne the arm and he goes to fix it.
 Meanwhile Joey starts to berate himself.) Stupid! I can't believe it! God! (A very
 beautiful woman walks by.) (To her) Hey, how you doin'? (He and her go over to talk
 and Wayne looks on with envy.)
 [Scene: A Restaurant, Ross and Rachel are on their double date. Rachel is busy talking
 Ross up.]
 Rachel: So it seemed that my prom date had stood me up, so Ross selflessly,
 offered to take me.
 Elizabeth: What a nice story!
 Paul: So Ross was in college and decided to jump at the chance to take a young
 girl to her high school prom.
 Rachel: Wow! I definitely did not see that one backfiring! I'm gonna
 go to the bathroom.
 Ross: Yeah, take your time.
 (Rachel heads for the bathroom.)
 Ross: (to Paul) Just-just so you know I was a freshman and she was a senior. So
 it wasn't as bad as-as
 Paul: Ross, look, I know I've been giving you a lot of jabs and it's
 partly because I'm very protective of Lizzie, and partly because well, they just keep
 coming to me. But I have to admit that after all the wonderful things that Lizzie has told
 me and the many, many, (pause) many stories that Rachel has told me that, well (pause)
 you're not (pause) all bad.
 Ross: Not all bad.
 Paul: And anyhow, I'm sorry I was so harsh before, but you have to
 understand that I (pause) still look at Lizzie like she's a twelve-year-old girl.
 Ross: Yeah. You know what? I know what you mean; I do that too.
 Paul: I beg your pardon?
 Ross: No! No! Not I don't mean I-I see her as a twelve-year-old girl!
 I mean I-I have a son, who's umm six and I still think of him as a baby.
 Paul: You have a son?
 Ross: Yeah, well my-my ex-wife and I share custody of Ben and umm, uh, and just
 so you know, Carol and I are on excellent terms as I'm sure you are with your
 wife! (Realizes) Oh, I'm sorry! (To Elizabeth) It's unbelievable!
 Paul: Don't worry about it, I just didn't realize you were married.
 (Rachel returns and hears that.)
 Rachel: Oh we were, but that was just a (pause as the audience reacts), I mean
 that was just a big drunken mistake.
 Ross: You're back.
 Paul: You two were married?!
 Rachel: Oh! Whoops! I'm sorry, you were talking about Emily!
 (Ross slams his head down on the table.)
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Chandler are entering and
 they're arguing.]
 Monica: Chandler, we said we would meet at the coffeehouse at six.
 Chandler: We said seven!
 Monica: We said six!
 Chandler: The only way that I said six would be if the seven's, let meet at
 seven, not at six.
 Monica: Yeah and if I had seven, maybe I would've said something like this,
 'Wow! My boyfriend's such a wise ass seven!'
 Phoebe: (Turning around in the chair) Hi!
 Chandler: Oh my good God.
 Monica: Ugh!
 Phoebe: I know what time you said.
 Chandler: What?!
 Phoebe: Well actually, I know what time Chester and Marcia said.
 Monica: What time?
 Phoebe: Quite an interesting turn of events, suddenly it's my book to the
 rescue, huh? (Reading her book) Ooh, very interesting. Yeah, well this certainly clears
 things up.
 Chandler: (disgusted) What does it say?!


 The One Where Paul's The Man
 The One Where Paul's The Man
 Teleplay by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer
 Story by: Brian Caldirola
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are there as Phoebe enters.]
 Phoebe: (dejected) Hi, you guys.
 Chandler: Hey!
 Monica: Hi!
 Rachel: What's the matter?
 Phoebe: Well it's just it's one of those situations that I just
 hate. Y'know? A massage client gave me three tickets to the Helmet-Pelts exhibit at
 the Morgan Chase museum.
 Joey: (nodding knowingly) Now you're thinking you gotta sleep with him.
 Phoebe: No! No! It's just that he gave me three tickets and there are six
 of us!
 Chandler: I'll give up my ticket.
 Joey: Me too.
 Phoebe: Okay that's so generous!
 Chandler: And I think Ross is generous too.
 Phoebe: Great! Okay then it's just us girls!
 Monica and Rachel: (less than enthused) Great.
 Phoebe: Yeah.
 Rachel: So what-what is the exhibit.
 Phoebe: It's mostly just photographs of lesbian love scenes interspersed
 with video games and free sandwiches.
 Joey: Oh man! (Hits Chandler)
 Ross: (entering) Hey!
 Rachel: Hi!
 Chandler: Hey!
 Joey: Hey Ross listen Chandler got you out of going to the lesbian sandwich
 museum this weekend!
 Ross: Thanks? But I have plans; Elizabeth and I are going out of town.
 Monica: Oh that's great!
 Ross: Yeah.
 Monica: I mean think about all the money that you're gonna make!
 Ross: Why? What?
 Monica: Well, her father pays you for baby-sitting right?
 Ross: No, no, that's funny. But maybe it's time to move on, let it go,
 y'know? Stop it! Besides, Rachel is going out with Elizabeth's father, so ah,
 he's much older than she is. Looks like I'm not the only one interested in
 fossils, huh?
 Rachel: I mean Ross all that does is remind us that you are interested in
 fossils.
 Ross: Okay, okay. Uh, well uh, Rachel is going to need to yell sweet nothings
 (Paul enters) in his ear.
 (And walks up right behind Ross, and standard sitcom joke 2B follows with the person
 being insulted standing right behind the person doing the insulting while the rest of the
 people become frightened and try to warn the insulter about the insultee's presence.)
 Chandler: Ross.
 Ross: Oh, come on you guys; that's funny! Y'know? Because he's
 need he's got like a hearing aide y'know,  cause- cause
 y'know,  cause he's all old, and
 (Paul reveals his presence by laughing, thus concluding standard sitcom joke 2B. Paul
 then pulls Ross aside to have a little chat with him and tells the rest of the group that
 he'll just be one second.)
 Paul: Okay look, Ross, just so you know that since Lizzie likes you so much,
 I've decided to accept the fact that you're going out with her.
 Ross: Really? That okay, that's great.
 Paul: Yeah. But then I changed my mind. I'm funny like that. So I told
 Lizzie, now I'm telling you, I don't want you seeing my daughter anymore.
 Ross: All right look, I-I realize it upsets you.
 Paul: Yes it does.
 Ross: But, Elizabeth and I are-are both adults and so I don't think
 there's really anything you can do about it.
 Paul: I'll call the university and tell them about your relationship and
 have you fired.
 Ross: Ohh! A man with a plan!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: A Dry Cleaners, Joey is there with Phoebe and is trying to get his picture put
 back amongst the other celebrities hanging on the walls.]
 Phoebe: Oh, this is so exciting! You get your picture back up on the wall of
 fame! Eek!
 Joey: I know. It was so cool when I was up there before. Me and Jim Belushi
 would just be crackin' up about something  Then I get fired off of Days Of
 Our Lives and he takes me down. Now he's just laughing at me. Look at him, that
 smug Belushi bastard, I'll
 Phoebe: (gasps) Ohh, okay maybe they put your picture back up they can put you
 next to Matt Lauer. Look at him, smiling at me. (Giggles) Yeah I know; we'd be great
 together!
 (The dry cleaner finishes with the customer in front of Joey and they approach the
 counter.)
 Joey: Hey! So I'm back.
 The Dry Cleaner: Who are you?
 Joey: Joey Tribbiani! From the wall! (The dry cleaner doesn't remember)
 Okay, maybe this will jog your memory, huh? (Holds his picture up in front of his face.)
 Huh? Okay eh-ah-anyway, I'm ready to go back up on the wall I'm the star of a
 new TV show.
 The Dry Cleaner: (picking up a TV Guide) Show me in the table.
 Joey: Oh well, it's not on TV yet.
 The Dry Cleaner: Well, then it's not on the wall yet.
 Joey: Okay, fine, I will bring you a tape, huh? (Walks away)
 Phoebe: So umm, now do you have any of Matt Lauer's clothes here? Maybe?
 Just ones that haven't been cleaned yet?
 (The dry cleaner just stares at her and she retreats.)
 [Scene: The Morgan Chase Museum, the girls are entering.]


Monica: Oh, I love museums!
 Rachel: Umm.
 Monica: Soakin' up all the culture.
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Monica: Where do you want to start?
 Rachel: Ooh, the gift shop!
 Monica: Yeah!
 Phoebe: Hey, and then lunch.
 Rachel: Oh, wait yes, but I can't eat too much. Paul is taking me out to
 dinner tonight, he said he has a big surprise planned.
 Phoebe: Oh wow. What, do you think maybe he's gonna tell you that he's
 gay?
 Rachel: What?! No! Why?!
 Phoebe: No reason! That would just be a really big surprise, right?
 (A museum official enters with another man and woman.)
 The Museum Official: (to the couple) You can put the aisle over here (points),
 and put the wedding ceremony right over here. (Points.)
 Rachel: I didn't know you could get married here.
 Monica: This would be a beautiful place to get married, yeah, but I
 wouldn't put the aisle there and I would never have the ceremony there!
 (Points to both places.) I mean you'd have the ceremony under this big beautiful
 arch. (The arch at the entrance to the room.)
 The Museum Official: (To Monica) May I help you?
 Rachel: Oh sorry didn't mean to interrupt. It's just such a beautiful
 space; do you do a lot of weddings here?
 The Museum Official: Yes. We're very popular. There's a two-year
 waiting list. Sorry! (She kinda storms out with the couple.)
 Rachel: Monica, you should totally put your name down on the list
 Monica: What?! Are you crazy?! I'm not getting married! I'm not even
 engaged.
 Phoebe: Yeah, but there's a two-year wait. And then what if you get engaged
 in two years and then you got to wait another two years for this place. That's
 four years. Chandler's not gonna wait that long. He's gonna find somebody else,
 y'know? Someone, someone who did put their name on the list. (Rachel agrees.)
 Rachel: Yeah hon, it can't hurt to put your name down! I mean in if two
 years if you're not engaged you just don't use it.
 Monica: Well, I mean I guess there is no harm in putting my name down.
 Rachel: I'm gonna do it too!
 Phoebe: Me too!
 Rachel: Really? Who would, who would you marry?
 Phoebe: I don't know, I don't have anyone right now. Y'know?
 Rachel: Oh Pheebs.
 Phoebe: Don't feel too sorry for me. At least my boyfriend isn't gay.
 Monica: Phoebe, that stuff is
 Phoebe: Don't even get me started on yours!
 [Scene: The Dry Cleaners, Joey is trying to get his picture up again.]
 Joey: (entering) Hey! So, did you watch the tape of my show?
 The Dry Cleaner: I did.
 Joey: All right, let's get me back up there! (Holds out his picture.)
 The Dry Cleaner: No! It don't go up on the wall!
 Joey: What But you saw the show!
 The Dry Cleaner: Yes, it was very offensive to my people!
 Joey: Dry cleaners?
 The Dry Cleaner: Russians! It showed them as terrorists and villains!
 Joey: Okay! Okay, look! You-you-you got Harrison Ford up there!
 The Dry Cleaner: That's right. Mr. Ford is a very good customer, he brings
 us a lot of clothes; you bring us nothing!
 Joey: Okay well that may be true. But, in-in okay, Air Force One the
 Russians were terrorists! And evil! And plus he kills a bunch of them!
 That-that-that's offensive to Russians.
 The Dry Cleaner: I've never seen it!
 Joey: Oh you should, it's great.
 (The Dry Cleaner stares at him and Joey retreats.)
 [Scene: A Cabin in the Woods, Elizabeth is giving Ross a tour.]
 Ross: This place is really beautiful!
 Elizabeth: Yeah, I've been coming here since I was a kid. This used to be
 my Grandma's.
 Ross: Wow! The only thing I got from my Grandmother was her eyes. I mean not-not
 her actual eyeballs, but, but people say that my eyes Do-do you want to make out?
 Elizabeth: Sure!
 (They fall to the couch and start to make out, but Ross stops suddenly.)
 Elizabeth: Are you okay? What's wrong?
 Ross: Ehh, I was just, I was just thinking about your father.
 Elizabeth: Well, whatever works for ya
 Ross: No. No-no uh, he just, he just really freaked me out before.
 Elizabeth: Oh. Well, so we have to hide our relationship from one more person.
 Big deal. Besides, it's kinda fun hiding.
 Ross: Yeah.
 (They start making out again.)
 Elizabeth: (quietly) Hey umm, you brought protection right?
 Ross: (loudly) Why?! Are there like bears or something?! (Looks around and then
 sees that Elizabeth is shaking her head no and realizes what Elizabeth meant.) Ohh. Oh,
 protection. Yeah-no, yeah-no, that-that-that I forgot.
 Elizabeth: I'll just run to the store and get some.
 Ross: Oh no! Hey-hey, I'm the guy! I'll get it.
 Elizabeth: Do you know where the store is?
 Ross: No.
 Elizabeth: Do you want to ride around town on my little pink bicycle?


Ross: A little bit.
 Elizabeth: (laughs) I'll be back in ten minutes.
 Ross: Okay.
 Elizabeth: Why don't you get in the hot tub and I'll meet you there.
 Ross: Ohh, okay.
 (Elizabeth leaves and Ross starts to remove his clothing right there in the middle of
 the living room where someone can see him. Of course, someone almost does, but he hears a
 door opening and )
 Rachel: (from another room) Oh my God, what a great surprise! This is such a
 beautiful house.
 (Ross with his pants around his ankles tries to run, but Dr. Geller forgets that he has
 his pants around his ankles and falls down trying to flee.)
 Paul: (To Rachel) Thank you, it's my mom's. So this is the kitchen.
 (Dr. Geller, the man with the Ph.D. in Paleontology, is trying to find a place to hide,
 but this supposedly intelligent man in the hands of cliched scriptwriters runs around
 with his pants down around his ankles like one of the Three Stooges.)
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is reading the newspaper as the phone
 rings. He let's the machine answer it.]
 Chandler: (on machine) You've reached Monica and Chandler's, if
 you're listening to this message, we're probably screening. (to himself) Yeah we
 are.
 The Museum Official: (on phone) Hi, this is Heldi from the Morgan Chase museum.
 I'm calling for Monica Geller. I want to let her know that there was a cancellation
 and if she's still interested in having the Bing-Geller wedding at our facility, it
 is available  (Chandler runs to answer the phone.)
 Chandler: (on phone) This is Chandler Bing! This is Chandler Bing! (Listens)
 Yes, the groom No! Not the groom!!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Paul's Cabin, Paul and Rachel are sitting on the couch drinking wine and
 talking.]
 Rachel: It's so secluded up here.
 Paul: I know. I like it up here.
 Rachel: I feel like we're the only two people in the world. (She sets down
 her wine class, picks up a walnut, and knocks another one on the floor.) Oops. Sorry. (She
 reaches down to pick it up and Ross hands it to her. Ross is hiding under the couch and
 causes Rachel to scream.)
 Paul: What's the matter honey? Did you see a little mouse?
 Rachel: No-no! Big bear! Big bear outside! I think I-I would
 you actually, would you go check on that?
 Paul: Honey, we don't have any bears here.
 Rachel: Well, okay. Would-would you get me a Diet Coke?
 Paul: Okay. I'll be right back. (Gets up and heads for the kitchen.)
 Rachel: Okay. (After Paul leaves Rachel drops to the floor to confront Ross.)
 What?! What are you doing here?!
 Ross: What are you doing here?!
 Rachel: I came with Paul!
 Ross: Yeah, I recognize the ankles!
 Rachel: Get up!
 Paul: (entering) Here you go honey! (Rachel kicks Ross back under the couch.)
 Rachel: Ahh. Thank you!
 Paul: Diet Coke. (Hands her the glass.)
 Rachel: Op, ice. I need ice.
 Paul: Okay.
 Rachel: Thank you.
 Paul: I'll be right back. (He goes to get the ice.)
 Ross: (under the couch) You and your ice.
 Rachel: Ugh! Get out! Get out! Go! Come on! (Ross gets up and heads for the
 kitchen.) No! Not in there! He's in there! (She points Ross to the door next to the
 kitchen.)
 Ross: (before entering) Did you really hear a bear?
 Rachel: Go-go!
 Paul: (entering) Here you go honey. One Diet Coke with ice.
 Rachel: Ohh, thank you.
 Paul: I'm so happy that you're here.
 Elizabeth: (entering) Here I am!
 Paul: (jumping up) Elizabeth! Oh look, Elizabeth's here! Who are you
 talking to?
 Elizabeth: Uh, you guys?
 Paul: How did you know we were here?
 Elizabeth: Umm
 Rachel: Well, she-she ob-obviously saw the tire tracks that were leading up to
 the closed garage.
 Elizabeth: Obviously.
 Paul: Elizabeth, what are you doing here?! (Motions that he brought Rachel here
 to be alone with her.)
 Rachel: Did-did you come up here to work on that term paper or something?
 Elizabeth: Yeah! Yep.
 Rachel: Well, why do y'know go in that room (points to the room Ross is in)
 and do your homework?
 Elizabeth: Ohh, I wouldn't do it in there. That's my dad's
 bedroom.
 Rachel: That's your, that's your dad's bedroom. (Yelling)
 That's your dad's bedroom!
 Paul: Why are you yelling?
 Rachel: Whoa, that Diet Coke just went straight to my head! Woo!
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is sitting at the kitchen table
 staring at the phone as Monica enters.]
 Monica: Hi, honey.
 Chandler: (gets up) See you later. (Starts to leave.)
 Monica: What? I-I bought groceries, I was gonna make you dinner!
 Chandler: (angrily) Well next time ask! Or at least wait for me to ask! (He
 storms out.)
 (Monica puts the groceries down and goes to check the answering machine and hears.)
 The Museum Official: (on machine) Hi, this is Heldi from the Morgan Chase
 museum. I'm calling for Monica Geller.


Monica: Oh no!
 The Museum Official: (on machine) I want to let her know that there was a
 cancellation and if she's still interested in having the Bing-Geller wedding at our
 facility, it is available
 Monica: Oh please, he didn't hear it! He didn't hear it!!
 Chandler: (on machine) This is Chandler Bing! This is Chandler Bing! (The
 machine beeps off.)
 Monica: NOOOO!!!!!!!!
 [Scene: The Dry Cleaner's, Joey has brought in a bunch of laundry in another
 attempt to get his picture on the wall, but the dry cleaner isn't working right now.
 Instead, a beautiful woman is working.]
 Female Clerk: Can I help you?
 Joey: Uh yeah, where-where's the guy who decides who's pictures go up
 on the wall?
 Female Clerk: He's not here right now.
 Joey: Oh, you're kidding me! All-all right, well make sure you tell him
 that Joey Tribbiani stopped by to drop off all of these clothes. Okay? I'm an actor;
 I'm kinda getting my picture up there on the wall.
 Female Clerk: Y'know, there are two people who could put your picture up
 there. (She makes eyes at him.)
 Joey: Oh really? Well, maybe you and I go out for drinks? (Pause) You're
 the other one right? (She thinks about it for a second and nods yes.)
 [Scene: Paul's Cabin, continued from earlier.]
 Paul: So Lizzie, are-are-are you planning on staying the night?
 Elizabeth: Oh no-no believe me, I'm leaving as soon as possible!
 Paul: Good. Good. Not that we don't want you to stay, obviously you're
 welcome How much more homework do you have?
 Elizabeth: Ahh, I just have one problem left that I do not know how to
 solve. Uhh, Rachel maybe you want to come upstairs and help me figure it out?
 Rachel: Really? Okay. Okay, I-I'll go upstairs. (to Paul) If-if you get me
 something from the car.
 Paul: What do you need from the car?
 Rachel: Surprise me.
 Paul: (whispering) Okay. (Starts for the car.)
 Rachel: (yelling) So you're gonna be in the car, I will be upstairs, and
 that's where everybody's gonna be!
 (Rachel and Elizabeth go upstairs. Paul starts for the car, but notices his luggage is
 still out and decides to take in into the bedroom.)
 [Cut to his bedroom, Ross is listening at the door as Paul opens the door, trapping
 Ross behind it. With Paul's back turned Ross coils up like a snake and slitters
 underneath the bed.]
 Paul: (standing in front of a mirror and to himself) Just relax. Just relax
 Paul, you're doing great. (Ross moves a piece of luggage over so he can watch Paul.)
 She likes you. She  Maybe, she likes you. She likes you. Y'know why? Because
 you're a (pause) neat guy. (Ross can't believe what he's hearing.) You are
 the man. You are (pause) the man! (He opens his shirt and looks at his chest.) I still got
 it. Nice and sexy. You're just a love machine. (Starts singing) I'm just a
 love machine and I won't work for nobody but you! Hey bab-y! (Flexes and grunts
 loudly.) Showtime. (Starts to leave and starts singing.) I'm just a love machine,
 yeah ba-by! (Grunts again and Ross is stunned.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Monica rushes in.]
 Monica: Phoebe!
 Phoebe: Yeah?
 Monica: Have you seen Chandler?!
 Phoebe: No! Why?
 Monica: The woman from the museum called and said that there was a cancellation
 and that we could move up our wedding and Chandler heard! (Phoebe gasps.) I know! How bad
 is this?!
 Phoebe: Well for the regular guy, it's bad, but Chandler, Oh dear God!
 Monica: I know! I know! And he totally freaked out and I can't find him
 anywhere!
 Phoebe: What are you gonna do?
 Monica: Well, I'm never gonna listen to you again, that's for sure!
 (Mimicking her.) 'Y'know, harm can it do if you go and put your name down?'
 Phoebe: Rachel said that!
 Monica: Well Rachel's not here! (Runs out.)
 [Scene: The Dry Cleaner's, Joey and Phoebe are entering to see if his picture is
 on the wall.]
 Phoebe: Oh! Here it is! (Noticing it next to the door.) Ooh, Joey! Why did you
 sign it, 'Son of a bitch?' (Son of a bitch is written across the entire
 picture.)
 Joey: I didn't do that! Who would've done that?!
 The Dry Cleaner: (entering) Son of a bitch!
 Phoebe: Okay, maybe ask this guy.
 The Dry Cleaner: You, get out of my shop!
 Phoebe: Well, what did he do?
 The Dry Cleaner: He went out with my wife!
 Phoebe: Joey!
 Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, I-I Hey! I did not go out with your wife!
 (The same woman from before enters.) Okay? I went out with her! (Points at her.)
 The Dry Cleaner: That's my wife!!! Get out! (Starts yelling at him in
 Russian, and I'm betting he's not saying pleasant things about him.)
 Phoebe: Well, we should go.
 Joey: Yeah.
 [Scene: Paul's Bedroom, Elizabeth is entering.]
 Elizabeth: Ross? Ross?


 The One With The Ring
 The One With The Ring
 Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is at the sink and Chandler is looking
 at a ring brochure.]
 Chandler: Pheebs, can you help me pick out an engagement ring for Monica? I
 can't figure this out! It's so hard! Should I get her a (turning to each page)
 Tiffany cut or a Princess cut or a ah-ah! Paper cut!
 Phoebe: Now, have you told anyone else?
 Chandler: No, I don't want to tell anybody else because I don't want
 Monica to find out.
 Phoebe: You told me.
 Chandler: Well, it's because I trust you, you're one of my best
 friends, and you walked in on me when I was looking at ring brochures.
 Phoebe: Yeah well, once again not knocking pays off. I only wish you hadn't
 been on the toilet.
 Chandler: Me too.
 (Joey and Ross enter causing Chandler to quickly hide the brochure behind his back.)
 Joey: Hey. (Heads straight for the fridge.)
 Chandler: Hey.
 Phoebe: Hey! So Chandler, wanna go to the coffeehouse?
 Chandler: Oh all right.
 Phoebe: Yeah, coffeehouse.
 Ross: Oh perfect, we were just gonna see if you wanted to go.
 Chandler: Oh well, we don't because we got the other pl-place.
 (Joey returns with a piece of pizza as Chandler and Phoebe exit.)
 Ross: How rude.
 Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. You wanna bite? (Holds his piece out for him.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]
 Phoebe: So how are things going with Paul?
 Rachel: Good. Although y'know, he-he's a private guy. Y'know, I
 wish I could get him to open up a little bit, share some feelings.
 Phoebe: That's easy! You just have to think of him as a-as a jar of pickles
 that won't open.
 Rachel: So what are you saying; I should run him under hot water and bang his
 head against a table?
 Phoebe: No that's what you do when you want to get the truth out of
 someone.
 Paul: (entering) Hi honey.
 Rachel: Hi!
 Phoebe: (To Rachel) Watch this.
 Paul: (To Rachel) How are you?
 Rachel: (To Phoebe) Okay.
 Phoebe: Hi Paul!
 Paul: Hi Phoebe.
 Phoebe: So how are things going with you?
 Paul: Can't complain.
 (Phoebe turns to Rachel and mimes remove a lid of a jar. Ross enters and Paul motions
 for Rachel to leave with him now.)
 Paul: (whispering) Come on.
 Rachel: Okay. (Gets up and starts to leave with Paul.)
 Paul: (To Ross) Hey!
 Ross: Hi!
 (They shake hands and their lines overlap.)
 Paul: Ross!
 Ross: Great to see you!
 Paul: Good to see you too!
 Ross: How you doing?
 Paul: Good. Bye! (Starts to leave.)
 Ross: Okay! You take care!
 (Ross turns his back on Paul and makes a  I hate that guy' face. Paul does
 the same thing.)
 Ross: Hey Pheebs, what-what was the deal with you and Chandler blowing us off
 before?
 Phoebe: Yeah! That was so weird, huh?
 Ross: Phoebe, why'd you do it?
 Phoebe: I didn't do it! It was Chandler! He's  He's mad at
 you!
 Ross: What?! Why?!
 Phoebe: Please, I think you know why.
 Ross: I can't think of anything.
 Phoebe: Come on Ross, you're a paleontologist, dig a little deeper.
 Ross: Wait a minute, is it because Joey and I didn't invite him to that
 Knicks game a couple of weeks ago?
 Phoebe: Do you think that's something that he'd be mad at you for?
 Ross: I guess it could.
 Phoebe: Well then I think that's it.
 Ross: Well, if he's angry, he really shouldn't just cover it up. I-I
 wish he would just tell me the truth.
 Phoebe: Oh, if that's what you want you then you really should run his head
 under hot water and bang his head against a table.
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Paul and Rachel are getting ready to go out. Paul is
 entering from the bathroom.]
 Paul: Honey I made a reservation at China Garden, is that okay?
 Rachel: Yeah that's great. But first, wait, talk to me, talk to me. Tell me
 about your day.
 Paul: It was fine.
 Rachel: Okay. Hey, what are you thinking? What are you thinking right now?
 Paul: I'm thinking that you are looking really fine it that dress.
 Rachel: Yeah that's great Paul, but y'know I wanna know
 what (Puts her hands on his shoulders) Wow, those are really great! I just wanna
 know what, what is behind this-this strong, silent exterior. Y'know they say that
 still waters run deep and I wanna swim in yours.
 Paul: Are you talking about having sex?
 Rachel: No Paul, I don't know anything about you! Y'know, like-like
 your childhood! Tell me about your childhood!
 Paul: Normal.
 Rachel: Okay, well then how about puberty! Come on, that's always a painful
 time! Y'know your friends invite you to a slumber party and then they stick your hand
 in warm water while you're sleeping so that you pee in your sleeping bag.
 Paul: Nope! That never happened to me!


Rachel: Well, you're lucky you never met that bitch Sharon Majesky. Anyway,
 umm  The rest of you life, y'know? Any regrets?
 Paul: Nope.
 Rachel: All right Paul, I'm not asking for a lot here. Okay? Just give me
 something. Anything!
 Paul: Okay.
 Rachel: Okay.
 Paul: Okay.
 Rachel: All right.
 Paul: When I was six years old.
 Rachel: Hm-mmm.
 Paul: I wanted a big wheel. And instead my parents got me this little plastic
 chicken that you hop around on. It was embarrassing; kids made fun of me. That was a
 pretty tough year.
 Rachel: That's-that's great! See? I already feel like I know you a
 little better! Thank you. Okay, come on. Now we can go eat. Let's go. (Gets up to
 leave, but Paul doesn't move.)
 Paul: It was horrible. They called me chicken boy.
 Rachel: Oh!
 [Time Lapse, Paul is now weeping uncontrollably in Rachel's arms.]
 Paul: And in fifth grade I got into a fight. Well, it wasn't really a
 fight. Richard Darinvel bit me on the nose and, and I feel down. I still have a little
 scare right here (points to it) you can see it.
 Rachel: Yeah. Yeah, I-I-I see the scare. Listen, Paul, I think this is really
 great that-that y'know, you shared your feelings. It's really, it's
 beautiful, but umm, what do you say we go share some food?
 Paul: Oh, I couldn't eat now.
 Rachel: What?! Wait! What are you talking about?! You love their Kung Pao
 Chicken!
 Paul: Chicken? (Pointing to himself.) Chicken boy!
 Rachel: My God, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to do that! I
 wouldn't do that!
 (Paul screams like a chicken and breaks down into tears again.)
 [Scene: A Jewelry Shop, Chandler and Phoebe are looking at engagement rings.]
 Chandler: Nothin! This is the nine millionth ring store we've been too and
 I can't find the perfect ring! (Goes over to another display counter and starts
 pointing at rings.) Ugly ring! Ugly ring! Ugly ring! (Notices that one of the jewelers is
 watching him.) It's a beautiful selection. (The jeweler walks away slowly.)
 Phoebe: Okay, so maybe you don't get her a ring. Maybe you-maybe you do
 something different. Y'know? Maybe you get her an engagement bracelet, y'know?
 Or an engagement tiara? Or ooh! An engagement Revolutionary War musket! (Picks one up
 from the display in the corner.
 Chandler: Y'know, I'm so glad I picked you to help me with this.
 Phoebe: Huh? Can you just imagine getting down on one knee and handing her this
 gorgeous piece of weaponry?
 Chandler: Yeah, I'm gonna stick with the ring. (Goes to another display
 counter.) Oh, this one's nice! (Pointing to another ring.) I like this one! Sir? Uh,
 kind sir? Can I see this one?
 Phoebe: (coming over after returning the musket) Wait a minute, no, this is,
 this is the reason you brought me. Okay? I know how to haggle. So let me handle this from
 here on out.
 Male Jeweler: Can I help you?
 Chandler: Uh-uh, yes. I would like to see that ring please.
 Phoebe: Or not, whatever.
 Male Jeweler: This ring is from the 1920s, it's a one and a half carat
 diamond with sapphires on either side.
 Chandler: Sir, can I ask you to umm, could you hold out that ring and ask
 me to marry you?
 Male Jeweler: Okay. (Holds out the ring, deadpan.) Will you marry me?
 Chandler: (choking up) Oh my God that's it, that's the ring! How much
 is it?
 Phoebe: Chandler, I-I will handle this! (To the jeweler) How much is it?
 Male Jeweler: 8,600.
 Phoebe: We will give you $10.
 Male Jeweler: (angrily) Are you interested in this ring?!
 Chandler: Yes! Yes, but I can only pay $8,000.
 Male Jeweler: Okay, I can let it go at eight.
 Phoebe: We stand firm at $10.
 Male Jeweler: (ignoring her) How would you like to pay?
 Chandler: Uh, credit card. (Reaches for it then realizes) Oh no! No-no, but I
 left my credit card with Joey. (To Phoebe) Okay, I'll go get it. You guard the ring.
 Phoebe: Okay. (To the jeweler) Listen, I'm sorry about before. Do you have
 anything her for $10.
 Male Jeweler: Uh yes, I have these two rather beautiful $5 bills. (Holds them up
 from his pocket.)
 Phoebe: I'll give you $1 for them.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Joey are there.]
 Ross: Hey, remember how Chandler and Phoebe blew us off yesterday?
 Joey: No.
 Ross: Remember? You-you were eating pizza.
 Joey: Yeah.
 Ross: Okay. Well, apparently Chandler's angry at us for not getting him a
 ticket to that Knicks game a couple of weeks ago.
 Joey: Oh, we're supposed to just get him a ticket?! That guy is always
 mooching off of us!
 Ross: Yeah! Anyway, I-I still think we should try to patch things up,
 y'know? Like uh, maybe we could get him to get tickets to another Knicks game and
 invite him.


Joey: Oh wow that's a great idea! And I still have his credit card.
 Gunther: (handing them the bill) Here you go.
 Ross: Oh. (Starts to get his money)
 Joey: Hey-hey-hey-ho-ho, I got this one. Here you go. (Hands Gunther
 Chandler's card.) Y'know I gotta tell ya, sometimes I just I don't get
 Chandler. Y'know, me and him do stuff all the time without you and you don't get
 all upset.
 Ross: All the time?
 Joey: All the time!
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is there as Rachel enters.]
 Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God!!
 Monica: Still crying?
 Rachel: Like a little girl. I know. I know. I know. This is all my fault;
 I wanted him to open up. But God, I didn't know that I was gonna unleash this-this
 weepy, clingy, moist monster!
 Monica: Y'know, I only know of two surefire ways to shut a man up. And one
 of them is sex.
 Rachel: What's the other one?
 Monica: I don't know, I've never had to use the other one. I'm
 just saying y'know, if we're having sex, he's not gonna be talking.
 Rachel: Oh that's right. You're the talker. (They both reflect on that
 briefly) Anyway uh, great idea! Umm, I gotta go to the store; I told him that I would buy
 him some more tissues.
 Monica: Oh, we have some
 Rachel: No you don't!
 [Scene: The Jewelry Store, Phoebe is busy trying on virtually everything in the store.
 She's got earrings, rings, bracelets, and enough necklaces to put Mr. T to shame on.]
 Phoebe: Okay umm, I'd also like to try on the tiara. (The male jeweler
 hands it to her.) Oh yeah. Okay. (Puts it on.) (To the jeweler) What do you think, too
 much?
 Male Jeweler: A tad.
 Phoebe: Okay. Then, take the tiara back and let me hold the musket again. (He
 hands it to her and Phoebe poses in front of one of those small mirrors.) Something's
 missing. It's not  Okay oh, let me see the ring my friend picked out.
 Male Jeweler: (to the female jeweler) Where's the 1920s princess cut ring.
 Female Jeweler: I just sold it to that gentleman. (Points to the one walking out
 the store.)
 Phoebe: Oh my God!! (She runs after him, but sets of the security system, which
 locks the store's door and brings down a set of bars behind her, caging her in.) No!
 What?! Help me! Let me out! Now! (Points the musket at them.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Paul is still crying as Chandler enters.]
 Paul: Rachel?
 Chandler: No. How are ya Paul? (Starts to look for his credit card.)
 Paul: (acting manly to try and cover up his crying) Okay. Chandler, did your dad
 ever hug you?
 Chandler: No, did he hug you?!
 Paul: No! No! It's just that, my dad never did. I miss my dad.
 Chandler: Well, you can see my dad in Vegas kissing other dads.
 Paul: Hey Chandler?
 Chandler: Yeah?
 Paul: Would you  .Would you hug me?
 Chandler: I'm a little busy here Paul.
 Paul: That's exactly what my dad used to say! (Starts to breakdown again.)
 Chandler: Okay, a quick one. Come on hug it out. (Paul rushes over and hugs
 Chandler tightly.) Oh hey! There you go. (The hug continues.) Okay. (The hug continues.)
 Paul: Five more seconds.
 Chandler: Okay! (Pushes him away.)
 Joey: (entering) Hey!
 Paul: Joey! (Goes over and hugs Joey and picks him off of his feet.)
 Joey: Whoa-whoa-hey-hey! (Motions to Chandler, 'What's going
 on?') Hi, Paul is it? (Paul nods yes and still hugging Joey.)
 Chandler: Do you have my credit card?
 Joey: Yes, it's in my  In in my pocket. (Paul hasn't dropped
 him yet.) (Chandler starts to reach for his front pocket.) My back pocket! My back pocket!
 Chandler: Thank God! (Grabs his card.)
 Joey: Oh hey listen I got us tickets to a Knicks game tonight.
 Chandler: Oh, I can't go.
 Joey: Come on! It'll be fun! Me, you, and Ross, and  Paul
 probably
 [Scene: The Jewelry Store, Chandler is entering with his credit card and Phoebe is
 holding out another ring for him.]
 Phoebe: Chandler, I found the perfect ring. (Holding it out for her.)
 Chandler: Oh, that's uh, that's pretty nice but I'm gonna go with
 the one I picked first.
 Phoebe: Oh my God Chandler, the one you picked is gone. It's over!
 Chandler: What?
 Phoebe: Some guy bought it. I'm sorry. I tired to stop it but they (points
 to the jeweler) put me in jail!
 Chandler: They put you in jail?
 Phoebe: The little jail between the doors!
 Chandler: Phoebe, I asked you to guard the ring!
 Phoebe: I know, I'm sorry! But y'know, this ring is better! Monica
 never even saw the other ring.
 Chandler: Yeah but when he proposed to me with the ring I got goose bumps.
 Phoebe: Maybe it was the guy.


Chandler: It was the ring!
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is on the couch and Joey is entering.]
 Ross: Hey! So uh, was he excited about the tickets?
 Joey: No! He blew us off!
 Ross: What?!
 Joey: I know!
 Ross: I can't believe it. (Pause) Can I tell you something? I'm a
 little mad at him now.
 Joey: Can I tell you something? Me too.
 Ross: Y'know what? He didn't want to talk to us about being angry,
 well maybe we don't talk to him at all!
 Joey: Ooooh! Freeze him out.
 Ross: That's right!
 Joey: I like it!
 Ross: Eh? We'll show him!
 Joey: From now on, it's gonna be Joey and Ross, best friends. (They shake
 hands.) Okay! We're gonna be the new Joey and Chandler.
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Paul is writing something as Rachel enters.]
 Rachel: Hi. I'm back.
 Paul: Hey! I have so much more to tell ya, I've written it all down!
 Rachel: Ah that's great. No actually that's  (In a sexy voice)
 That's great! That's really great! Y'know, I gotta tell ya writing, I mean
 writing, gets me uh, gets me kinda hot.
 Paul: Wait! Wait! Listen! Listen to this! (Flips a couple pages and points to
 something.) Y'know what I wanted to be when I was that age?
 Rachel: A lover?
 Paul: A surfer.
 Rachel: Oh yeah surfer?
 Paul: I wanted to be one with the waves, y'know?
 Rachel: Okay, hold on real quick, hold on a second let me just uh, (sits on the
 counter and buttons her sweater to show some cleavage) get a little more comfortable here.
 Wait, now wait a second, this isn't too revealing is it?
 Paul: (barely glancing at her) No. What ever happened to that little dude.
 (Pause) So full of dreams
 Rachel: I don't care about the little dude! I can't! I cannot listen
 to anymore of this! Y'know, the only person who would want to listen to this is a
 mental health professional! And then it's only because they get paid $100 an hour! Do
 you know how much money I could've made listening to you? $2,000! And do you know
 when I figured that out? While you were talking!
 Paul: What?! I can't believe you're trying to stifle me! When just 14
 hours ago we figured out that that is exactly what my mother was trying to do to me!
 Rachel: Oh  I'm sorry. I  I-I don't mean I didn't
 mean to stifle you. I  This is all just a little overwhelming.
 Paul: Oh Rachel, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to overwhelm you.
 It's just that, when those gates open, you  (Starts to breakdown.) Hard to close
  em. But they are closed now. Believe me.
 Rachel: I'm so glad, I'm so glad you shared. (Feeling his shoulder.)
 And I'm glad that you're done. What do you say we umm  (Nods in the
 direction of the bedroom.)
 Paul: I would really like that. (They kiss.)
 [Scene: Rachel's Bedroom, Paul and Rachel are recovering.]
 Paul: That was so good. (Starts crying again.)
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is looking at the ring he bought and
 not liking it.]
 Phoebe: (entering from her room) Hey.
 Chandler: I can't believe I let you talk me into buying this stupid gumball
 machine looking ring!
 Phoebe: It's not a stupid gumball machine looking ring! It's a
 beautiful ring!
 Chandler: No, it's not! When I looked at the other ring I could see
 Monica's face when I gave it to her, y'know? And I could see her saying yes.
 When I look at this ring, all I see is a ring! Unless I look at it really closely and then
 I can see my own eye. (Does so and laughs.) Look, this is the most important thing
 I'm gonna do in my life. I wanna make sure it's perfect.
 Phoebe: Okay. There may be a way that we can get the other ring back.
  Cause I heard the guy tell the jeweler where he was going to propose. So maybe we
 can get him to trade rings or something.
 Chandler: I can't do that.
 Phoebe: Well you certainly can't give her that stupid gumball ring.
 [Scene: A Restaurant, Chandler and Phoebe are entering. This is the place where the guy
 who bought Chandler's ring is going to propose.]
 Phoebe: There he is! (Points.)
 Chandler: Okay and he hasn't proposed yet because she has no ring on her
 finger.
 Phoebe: Wow! You're good! After this, we should solve crimes.
 Chandler: Yeah! Okay, go, go, go get him.
 Phoebe: Oh, okay. (Walks over to him.) Excuse me sir? Could you come with me
 please? You have a phone call.
 Customer: Who is it?
 Phoebe: It is your office.
 Customer: Do you know who at my office?
 Phoebe: John?
 Customer: Oh John! Great!
 (She brings him over to Chandler.)
 Phoebe: (To Chandler) Here he is.
 Chandler: (to him) Hi! Hi. Okay, there was a slight mix-up at the jewelry store,
 the ring you're about to propose with was supposed to be held for me. So, I'm
 gonna need to have that back. (The guy isn't sure.) But, in exchange I'm willing
 to trade you this beautiful, more expensive ring. (Looking at the ring.) Ew.


 The One With The Proposal
 The One With The Proposal
 Part I Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Scott Silveri
 Part II Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
 Parts I and II Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is showing Ross, Rachel, Joey, and
 Phoebe his engagement ring again.]
 Ross: God that is the most beautiful engagement ring ever!
 Rachel: Yeah? Well, you should know. You've bought like a billion of
  em.
 Ross: Yeah, you didn't get one.
 Chandler: Okay, well tonight's the big night.
 Phoebe: Yeah!
 Joey: Okay listen, how are you gonna ask her?
 Chandler: It is going to be perfect. I am taking her to her favorite restaurant.
 I'm going to get her a bottle of the champagne that she really loves; therefore knows
 how expensive it is. Then when the glasses are full, instead of proposing a toast I'm
 just gonna propose.
 Rachel: Ohh
 Joey: That sounds perfect!
 Chandler: Yeah.
 Joey: You're gonna mess it up let me do it.
 Chandler: I'm not gonna mess it up.
 Phoebe: If she says no, can I have the ring?
 Chandler: She's not gonna say no.
 Phoebe: If!
 Monica: (entering) Hey!
 Ross: Hey!
 (Monica's entrance makes Phoebe try to hide the ring by putting it in her mouth.)
 Chandler: Hey!
 Phoebe: (with her mouthful) Hi Monica.
 (Monica goes into her room.)
 Chandler: (To Phoebe) Give me it!
 Phoebe: It's gone.
 Chandler: Phoebe!
 (She takes it out of her mouth and hands it to him as Monica returns from her room and
 this time forcing Chandler to put the ring in his mouth.)
 Joey: Hey!
 Chandler: (with his mouthful) Hi Monica.
 (She goes into the bathroom.)
 Phoebe: (To Chandler) We're practically kissing. (Makes a kissy face and
 winks at him.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey are there as Rachel enters.]
 Rachel: (entering) Hey!
 Chandler: Hey!
 Joey: Hey Rach!
 Rachel: Are any of you guys free tonight? My boss is hosting this charity event
 for underprivileged kids and the more people I bring, the better I look. So, Monica?
 Chandler?
 Chandler: (glaring at her) Well, Monica and Chandler can't go. We're
 going to dinner remember?!
 Rachel: Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
 Monica: What's the big deal?
 Chandler: I just get mad when Rachel doesn't remember where we're
 going.
 Joey: Where are you going?
 (Chandler stares at him.)
 Rachel: How about you guys? (Points to Phoebe and Joey.)
 Phoebe: Open bar?
 Rachel: I think so.
 Phoebe: I can do that for the kids.
 Joey: Hey, y'know what? I'll come too. I'm making money now;
 it's about time I give something back.
 Chandler: Well, you could also give back the money you owe me.
 Joey: Okay. Have a benefit.
 Ross: (entering) Hey!
 Rachel: Hey! Ross, listen can you come to a charity event tonight?
 Ross: Oh no, I have plans with Elizabeth.
 Chandler: Oh, so you're already doing your part for the kids.
 Ross: I'm sorry, it's just one of my last nights together before she
 leaves for camp to be a counselor!
 Monica: Ross let me ask you a question. All jokes aside, where is this
 relationship going?
 Chandler: Wait a minute, all jokes aside? I didn't agree to that!
 Monica: Do you really see this as a long-term thing?
 Ross: I don't know.
 Phoebe: Y'know, you are 12 years older than her.
 Ross: Wait a minute, does-does everyone feel this way?
 All: Yeah! Yeah, sort of. I'm sorry.
 Ross: Uh-uh Wow! Uh, I thought you guys were just like making jokes, I had
 no idea. What you know what? You guys are wrong. Uh yes, there is a chronological age
 difference but I never notice it. You know why? Because she is very mature. Besides, it
 doesn't really matter to me what you guys think. I mean, I'm the one dating
 Elizabeth, not you!
 Joey: That's not what she said last night. (Ross glares at him.)
 Rachel: See? Now, he could date her.
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is practicing proposing.]
 Chandler: Will you marry me? Will you marry me? (Makes like a gun with
 his fingers.) Hey, you marry me! (He gives up as Joey, Rachel, Phoebe, and Ross slink in
 all excited.) What's going on little elves?
 Joey: It's the big night! We wanted to wish you good luck!
 Ross: Yeah, yeah you have the ring?
 Chandler: Yeah, right here in my pocket. (Pats his pocket. Phoebe smiles, goes
 over to hug him, and removes the ring from his pocket.) Pheebs?
 Phoebe: Oh! Oop! (Hands him back the ring.)
 Chandler: Okay, now will you guys get out of here? I want this is to be a
 surprise and she's gonna know.
 Ross: (to the rest of them) Yeah-yeah you guys. Get out of here!
 (Monica enters from the bedroom.)


Monica: Hi guys.
 Chandler: (To Monica) You are beautiful.
 Monica: Oh, thank you! (The gang exhibits signs of quiet apprehension and wears
 knowing glances.) (Monica giggles.) What's going on?
 Rachel: (breaking up) We're just really very excited about this
 charity event that we have to go to.
 [Scene: The Charity Event, they're holding a silent auction, Rachel is looking at
 one of the items and Phoebe walks up and hands her a glass of wine.]
 Phoebe: Here.
 Rachel: Oh! Thank you!
 Phoebe: So now what's going on here?
 Rachel: Uh well, uh this is a silent auction. They lay out all the stuff here
 and then you write down your offer and then the highest bid gets it.
 Phoebe: No, I know what a silent is I meant, what's going on with your
 hair?
 Rachel: (suddenly worried) Uh, wh-why?
 Phoebe: No! It's nice!
 (Rachel's boss, Mr. Thompson walks up.)
 Mr. Thompson: Nice to see you Rachel.
 Rachel: Oh, hi!
 Mr. Thompson: So glad you brought someone.
 Rachel: Someone? I brought people. Mr. Thompson, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, this is
 Mr. Thompson. (She introduces them.) He's the head of my department.
 Phoebe: Oh, hi. (They shake hands.)
 Rachel: And I also brought my friend Joey
 Joey: (behind them) Oh!! Shrimp toast! (Walks right past the little group on his
 way for the shrimp toast.)
 Rachel: Well, y'know I-I don't know where he is.
 Mr. Thompson: Well, I hope you're gonna bid on some things Rachel.
 Rachel: Well, y'know what? Actually, I was about to bid on this lovely trip
 to Paris.
 Mr. Thompson: Ohh, nice choice.
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Mr. Thompson: Good luck.
 Rachel: Thank you. (Mr. Thompson walks away and after he's left.) Okay,
 (writing her bid down) twenty dollars.
 [Scene: Elizabeth's Dorm Room, Ross is walking up to her door and knocks on it.
 Suddenly the door opens and Elizabeth drags him into the room.]
 (Transcriber's Note: Elizabeth has two friends in the room with her who are named
 in the credits, but not in this scene. So I'm just gonna guess since it doesn't
 matter one way or the other. (The last part is to discourage e-mails, who cares if I got
 it right or not?))
 Zoe: Shut the door! Shut the door!! (Runs over and closes the door.)
 Ross: What's-what's going on?
 Elizabeth: The guys across the hall are throwing water balloons at us.
 Ross: Oh, you have to call the police! That's what I did to the kids in my
 building!
 Elizabeth: No, it's a water balloon fight! We started it!
 Ross: Oh! (Does a laugh/groan.) Listen umm, I, I just stopped by to see if you
 wanted to see this play tonight. Umm, it's supposed to be excellent. The director is
 the same
 Elizabeth: (ignoring him and picking up a pitcher) Who drank all the Kamikazes?
 Sarah: (approaching with two filled balloons in her hands) Nobody! We put them
 in here! (Indicates the aforementioned balloons causing both of them to scream in delight
 and start drinking from the balloons.)
 Elizabeth: (To Ross) You want some?! (Starts to squirt the Kamikaze at him.)
 Ross: No! Okay! Okay! (Stops her.) Okay, look, can I, can I just-just talk to
 you for a second?
 Elizabeth: Yeah, sure.
 Ross: Uh, so this play umm, what do you think? It's-it's gotten great
 reviews! Y'know the uh
 (Suddenly the door opens and two guys come rushing in wielding water balloons.)
 First Dorm Guy: Attack!
 (They start lobbing the balloons in. Ross desperately tries to get out of the line of
 fire but is struck in the back. The girls all retreat to relative safety behind the
 couch.)
 Second Dorm Guy: Put your balloons down!
 The Girls: You put your balloons down!!
 First Dorm Guy: You put your balloons down!!
 (Both opposing camps start screaming at each other to drop their weapons and surrender.
 Finally, Ross steps in as a mediator.)
 Ross: (screaming) Everybody put their balloons down!!! (There is a
 temporary cease fire.) Now this is a nice suit!! (Shows everyone where he was hit.)
 [Scene: The Charity Event, Mr. Thompson is announcing the winners of the silent
 auction.]
 Mr. Thompson: Our next item is the romantic trip to Paris. (Pause.) It goes to
 Emil Alexander high a high bid of 2,300.
 Rachel: Ugh! So close!
 (Phoebe returns a with a tray full of different kinds of drinks.)
 Phoebe: Hey you guys! Look!
 Joey: Hey!
 Phoebe: I got me some drinks!
 Rachel: What are you doing?
 Phoebe: Open bar!
 Rachel: Well now it's an empty bar.
 Phoebe: You just can't stand anyone else enjoying themselves can't
 you?
 Mr. Thompson: And finally, our biggest item of the night, the 22-foot
 gentleman's day sailer sailboat. The winning bid was a whooping $20,000! (Joey
 suddenly gets excited.)
 Joey: I won! That was my guess!
 Rachel: What?! What?! What?!
 Joey: I guessed 20,000!


Rachel: Joey! It is an auction! You don't guess, you buy!
 Joey: What?! I don't have 20,000!
 Mr. Thompson: Congratulations on your new boat, Joey Tribbiani!!
 (Everyone applauds and he stands up slowly.)
 Rachel: Joey! Sit down! (Pulls him down.)
 Phoebe: Forget her! You enjoy this!! (Pulls him back up and starts applauding
 again. Joey waves and does a salute.]
 [Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are sitting at a table. Monica is checking
 her makeup as Chandler suddenly has a horrifying thought and starts patting down his
 pockets until he finds what he's looking for and sighs in relief.]
 Monica: What are you doing?
 Chandler: (trying to cover up why his hand is over his heart) One nation, under
 God. Indivisible with liberty and justice for all. (Laughs.) I remembered it. (It's a
 butchered version of the Pledge of Allegiance of the United States for our foreign
 friends.) The champagne is here. (The waiter is delivering it and pouring two glasses.)
 Monica: Are you okay?
 Chandler: Yes! Yes! I'm good! Are you good? Are you good? Is
 everything are you are you perrr-perfect?!
 Monica: Yeah. I'm okay. I'm actually I'm a little cold, can
 I have your jacket?
 Chandler: Oh, yeah. (Starts to take it off and then realizes) Uh, no you
 can't have my jacket! Because then I would be cold! If you thought that you were
 going to be cold, you should've brought your own jacket. But uh, other than that, are
 you okay? Are you okay?
 Monica: (laughs) Are you sure you're okay?
 Chandler: Yes! I'm fine. In fact I've been fine for a long time now
 and I think, the reason is you.
 Monica: Ohh that's sweet!
 Chandler: Okay umm, before I meant you I had really little life and I
 couldn't imagine growing old with
 (As he's talking Monica notices someone familiar has just entered the restaurant.
 Let's see; I seem to remember him driving a Ferrari in Hawaii solving crimes
 as a private investigator and as a certain eye doctor in more recent times.)
 Monica: (interrupting him) Oh my God!
 Chandler: (not knowing the true meaning of her exclamation) I know, but just let
 me say it.
 Monica: Oh my God, Richard. (Yep, Richard's back.)
 Chandler: What?! I'm Chandler! (She nods towards the doorway, Chandler
 turns and looks) Oh, that's Richard!
 Monica: Oh God, maybe he won't see us. Richard!
 (Monica smiles then acts shocked. Chandler can't believe she just did that.)
 Richard: (approaching them with a woman in tow) Monica! Chandler!
 Chandler: Hey-hey, hey! (Gets up and hugs him.) I don't know why I did
 that!
 Monica: Hey, it's good to see you!
 Richard: You too, you let uh, your hair grow long.
 Monica: Yeah Oh that's right. You, you always wanted me too. Hey, I
 see you got your mustache back.
 Richard: Well, my nose got lonely.
 Chandler: (to Richard's date) And uh, you don't have a mustache which
 is good. (She just smiles.) I'm Chandler; I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable.
 Richard's Date: Hi, I'm Lisa.
 Chandler: Hi.
 Richard: Oh, I'm sorry. (Introduces them.) Lisa, (nodding at each) Monica,
 Chandler. We used to date.
 Chandler: Richard! No one supposed to know about us! (Richard just smiles at
 him.) See I, did it again.
 Monica: Chandler, wh-why don't we sit down?
 Chandler: Yeah, I'll sit down. (He slides back into his chair.)
 Monica: (to Richard) It's good to see you
 Matire'd: (to Richard) You're table's ready sir.
 Richard: Oh. Good to see you guys.
 Chandler: Yes. (Thinking he's gone.)
 Matire'd: (motioning to the empty table next to Monica and Chandler's) Or
 if you prefer, this table is available.
 Richard: That might be fun. (Richard and Lisa sit down.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: The Charity Event, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey are sitting at their table.]
 Rachel: What were you thinking?!
 Joey: I didn't know it was an auction!
 Rachel: Wh?!
 Joey: I figured, take a guess, help a charity, free boat!
 Rachel: Why would a charity give away a free boat?!
 Joey: I don't know! Charity?
 Rachel: Ugh!
 Phoebe: Well, just buy the damn boat! (She's still working her way through
 her tray of booze.)
 Rachel: Phoebe, don't you think you've had enough to drink?
 Phoebe: I'm just helping the kids!
 Rachel: How is you drinking helping the kids?
 Phoebe: Because the more I drink, the less there is for the kids to drink.
 Mr. Thompson: (approaching) Mr. Tribbiani.
 Joey: Oh hi!
 Mr. Thompson: Your generous contribution brings us a big step closer to building
 the youth center.
 Joey: Just out of curiosity, how-how much is that boat worth?
 Mr. Thompson: I think it was valued at 19,000
 Joey: (To Rachel) Hey, I was pretty close. (She just glares at him.) Uhh, so bad
 news. Umm, I can't buy the boat, I don't have any money.
 (Mr. Thompson looks shocked and at Rachel, she suddenly starts laughing.)