Joey: I know I should've. (Makes quote marks again.) 'I'm sorry.'
 Ross: Not using it right, Joe.
 (He brings his hands in closer to his face then does it again.)
 Ross: I'm gonna go.
 Joey: No, come on Ross! (He grabs his bag so he can't leave) Look,
 Ross, we have to get past this.
 Ross: Give me the bag.
 Joey: No, look, I don't know what else to do. I said I'm sorry!
 Ross: Joey!
 Joey: You should scream at me, or-or-or curse me, or hit me.
 Ross: I'm not gonna hit you.
 Joey: Why not? You'll feel better! I'll feel better, and
 you know you want to. I can see it in your eyes.
 Ross: No I don't.
 Joey: A little bit.
 Ross: No.
 Joey: Little bit.
 Ross: No!
 Joey: (excited) A little bit more.
 Ross: Give me the bag.
 Joey: No, hit me
 Ross: Give me the bag.
 Joey: Hit me.
 Ross: Joey, give me the bag.
 Joey: Hit me!
 Ross: Joe I'm not kidding,
 Joey: (interrupting) Hit me, hit me.
 Ross: No!
 Joey: (shouts) Hit me! Hit me!
 (Ross throws a punch, but Joey ducks and Ross punches the pole. Ross then
 screams from the pain and turns to Gunther, and Gunther has a huge smile on his
 face.)
 Ross: You ducked!!
 Joey: I'm sorry! It was a reflex!
 Ross: Oh my god, this really hurts!!!
 Joey: I couldn't help it! When a fist comes at your face, you duck!
 Look! (He goes to punch Ross, expecting him to duck, but he doesn't and Joey
 punches Ross.  Gunther is amused.)
 Ross: What is the matter with you?!?
 Joey: You were supposed to duck!!! Why didn't you duck?
 Ross: Why don't we talk about this on the way to the hospital?
 Joey: Good, good yeah, (Grabs the bags) maybe while we're there, they
 can check your reflexes. (Joey opens the door and it hits Ross in the face with
 it.) (Makes quote marks.) 'Oops.'
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Emma is still crying.]
 Monica: Try feeding her again.
 Rachel: I already fed her.
 Monica: I know, that's why I said again!
 Phoebe: Alright you guys, we can't turn on each other, Okay?
 That's just what she wants.
 Chandler: (enters) Hey.
 Monica: Hey.
 Chandler: Monica can I talk to you outside for a minute?
 Rachel: Oh no, you guys, just stay here, I'm gonna go check her
 diaper, Pheebs you wanna come?
 Phoebe: Oh I'm kinda part of this.
 Chandler: Actually Pheebs its more of a husband and wife kinda
 thing
 Phoebe: I knew I should have married Chandler.
 (Phoebe and Rachel go to the back room and Emma continues to cry in the
 background while Chandler and Monica talk.)
 Monica: Okay what's up
 Chandler: Umm, you know how we always said that it would be fun to
 move to Paris for a year? You know, you could study French cooking and I could
 write and we could take a picnic along the Seine and go wine tasting in
 Bordeaux?
 Monica: Oh yeah (smiles).
 Chandler: Okay, you know how that people say that Tulsa is the Paris
 of Oklahoma?
 Monica: What? Who says that?
 Chandler: People who've never ever been to Paris.
 Monica: What's going on?
 Chandler: We're moving to Tulsa! (Makes a excited expression on his
 face)
 Monica: Excuse me?
 Chandler: Okay, Ms. McKenna, she kind of works above my boss, she
 asked me to move to Tulsa and be the president of our office there, and I was
 sleeping and apparently, said yes.
 Monica: (stands up angry) Tulsa, Oklahoma!
 Chandler: The Sooner State, whatever that is.
 Monica: Chandler, I don't even wanna see the musical Oklahoma!
 Chandler: Really? Oh What A Beautiful Morning!
 Surrey With A Fringe On Top.
 Monica: Are you trying to tell me that we're moving to Oklahoma, or
 that you're gay? All right, not that this matters, but did they at least offer
 you a huge raise?
 Chandler: No, no, but they are going to lease us a Ford Focus.
 (Monica's not impressed.) I'll get out of it.
 Monica: Thank you.
 Chandler: (hears Emma crying) What is wrong with Emma?
 Monica: Oh she misunderstood, she thought she was moving to Tulsa.
 [Scene: Ms. McKenna's Office, Chandler enters.]
 Chandler: Umm ma'am, do you have a minute? (She points for him to come
 in) I kind of have some bad news. I don't think I can move to Tulsa.
 Ms. McKenna: What?
 Chandler: It's a funny story, actually. (coughs) I kind of fell asleep
 in the meeting this morning so when I said I'd move to Tulsa, I didn't really
 know what I was saying.
 Ms. McKenna: You fell asleep?


Chandler: But only because I was up all night worried about this
 meeting, ain't that funny? Irony? Not a fan, alright (he sits down). See, here's
 the thing. I went home and told my wife about Tulsa and she won't go. See, me, I
 love Tulsa! Tulsa is heaven! Tulsa is Italy-Please don't make me go
 there!
 Ms. McKenna: Chandler, I,
 Chandler: No no no! Look, Carol, can I call you Carol? (Pause) Wh-why
 would I when your name is Elaine? Oh what a great picture of your son,
 strapping! (She glares at him.) That's a picture of your daughter, isn't it,
 well she's lovely. I like a girl with a strong jaw. I'll call you from Tulsa.
 (Exits.)
 [Scene: The Hospital, Joey is sitting in the lobby as Ross enters.]
 Joey: Hey, so how is it?
 Ross: I broke my thumb.
 Joey: Your thumb? That's weird. (Makes a fist.) You sure you're
 punching right? Make a fist. (Ross just looks at him with his thumb in a cast.)
 Maybe later. Ross I feel terrible.
 Ross: You know what, you can go, I just have to fill out some forms.
 (Tries to hold the pen but can't)
 Joey: You, you want me to help you with that?
 Ross: Why, does it look like I'm having trouble with my misshapen
 claw? (He hands Joey the form)
 Joey: Name? (Ross looks at him.) I know Ross but what's it short for?
 You know like, like Rossel or Rosstepher.
 Ross: Just Ross!
 Joey: It's pretty, Okay date of birth?
 Ross: You know my birthday.
 Joey: Sure, May...tember.
 Ross: October 18th.
 Joey: Occupation? Dinosaurs.
 Ross: Actually I'm a palian,  Dinosaurs is fine,  the drawing is
 not.
 Joey: Alright, who do you want as your emergency contact?
 Ross: Ah, Rachel I guess.
 Joey: Okay, relationship, boy this could take a while.
 Ross: Just ah,  just put roommate.
 Joey: Come on, you guys are more then that! I mean, you're gonna get
 together right?
 Ross: I don't think that we are.
 Joey: But you two were supposed to be together.
 Ross: Well, I thought so too, but then she said she'd marry you.
 Joey: Come on, Ross, that didn't mean anything! She just had the baby,
 she was all freaked out about doing it alone, she would have said yes to
 anybody.
 Ross: Yeah that's what she said.
 Joey: So?
 Ross: So I don't wanna be just anybody.
 Joey: Wow.
 Ross: You know what, it's, it's better this way anyway. I mean I don't
 know what I was thinking, going down that road again with us. It's just much
 easier if we're just friends who have a kid.
 Joey: Really?
 Ross: Yeah.
 Joey: And you're Okay with that?
 Ross: Yes. I mean, it's what we always planned. And if you have
 a plan, you should stick to it. That's why they call them plans.
 Hello? (Pause) I'm fine.
 Joey: Hey, for what it's worth, with Rachel I don't think you'll ever
 be just (Makes quote marks.) 'anybody.'
 Ross: Hey there you go! (Smiles because Joey used it correctly)
 Joey: (makes quote marks) 'Thanks.'
 (Ross looks away, not bothering)
 [Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Emma continues to cry.]
 Rachel: Oh my God! How long has she been crying?
 Monica: About a week and a half.
 Phoebe: Well alright, looks like you guys have got it under control so
 I'm just gonna go. (She gets up and Rachel looks at her, upset, and Monica just
 stares.) No! Really? Misery really does love company. All right! (She sits back
 down.)
 Monica: Rach, try holding her a different way.
 Rachel: You guys, I'm doing the best I can, anyone else is welcome to
 try.
 Phoebe: Alright, I'll try, fine! Yes, Okay!
 Rachel: Here you go. (Hands Emma to Phoebe)
 Phoebe: Shh! Nothing works with this child! (Hands her back.)
 Rachel: Oh god what am I gonna do you guys, I can't even comfort my
 own baby! I'm the worst mother ever!
 Monica: You're just new at this, it'll get better, think about your
 first day at work. I mean, that couldn't have been easy but you figured that
 out.
 Rachel: Yeah I don't think dressing provocatively is going to help me
 here! Oh my god just please take her.
 Monica: Okay I'll take her, here. (Takes Emma)
 Rachel: I have to go to the bathroom. (Goes to the bathroom)
 Phoebe: I have to go scream into a pillow. (Goes to scream into a
 pillow)
 Monica: (To Emma) Bouncy baby, Bouncy baby, Ooh baby baby, Ooh baby
 baby, Ooh baby baby. (Emma stops crying and falls asleep)
 Phoebe: (entering) Have I gone deaf?
 Monica: It worked! Ooh baby baby baby, ooh baby baby baby!


 Untitled Document
 THE ONE WITH THE PEDIATRICIAN
   WRITTEN BY: Brian Buckner and Sebastian Jones
   DIRECTED BY: Roger Christiansen
   TRANSCRIBED BY: Ane B. J.
 [SCENE: Chandler and Monica's apartment]
 (Ross and Rachel enter)
 Rachel: Hi!
 Ross: Hey! So what's the big news you had us rush all the way over here for?
 Chandler: Okay, our news. My company has asked me to head up our office in
   Tulsa , so as of Monday I'm being officially relocated.
 Ross: Oh my God!
 Phoebe: What?!
 Rachel: What?!
 Ross: Monday?!
 Joey: How long do you have to go for?
 Chandler: They said it could be up to a year.
 Joey: A year?!
 Rachel: (To Monica) Do you have to go?
 Monica: I kind of have to don't I? Because of this stupid thing (Points to
   her wedding ring.)
 Chandler: There is nothing like the support of your loving wife, huh?
 Joey: Wait a minute, you can't go to Tulsa. Maybe you forgot, but we've got
   tickets to the Jets game next week.
 Chandler: I'm sorry buddy, but I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it.
 Joey: We were gonna go see the Jets!
 Ross: You can't go, I mean you're the glue that holds this group together!
 Chandler: Really?
 Ross: Not you.
 Joey: I can't believe you guys are moving.
 Phoebe: I call their apartment!!!
 Everyone: No!!! Ah!! Ahh!!!
   [INTRO]
 [SCENE: Central Perk]
 Joey: Here you are (Hands Rachel a cup of coffee)
 Rachel: Thank you Joey. You know what? I'm not even sure I can have caffeine.
 Ross: I went thru this with Ben and Carol. One cup of coffee won't affect your
   milk.
 Rachel: Yeah. Just to be sure I'm gonna call Dr. Wiener.
 Joey: (Laughs)
 Rachel: Every time? (She takes up her cell phone and starts dialing.)
 Joey: Uhuh.
 Ross: Rach, you don't have to call whenever you have a little question, okay?
   Trust me, I know this.
 Rachel: All right, I trust you. (Continues to dial)
 Ross: Rachel, I can see you dialing! I don't understand why...
 Rachel: I'm on the phone! (On the phone) Dr. Wiener? (Ross and Rachel walk
   away)
 Joey: (Laughs)
 Phoebe: It's so weird seeing Ross and Rachel with a baby. It's just so grown
   up.
 Joey: I know, yeah. I feel like we're all growing up. Person named Wiener,
   God that kills me. (Laughs)
 Phoebe: Look at you all grown up.
 Joey: Actually, you know what? I am. That whole thing with Rachel made me realize
   that maybe I'm ready for a more serious relationship. You know? Like I'd like
   to meet a nice mature commitment-minded lady. And looks aren't as important
   as...Nah, she's gotta be hot.
 Phoebe: You know, I might know somebody. Hey, how about you set me up with
   someone, and we double date!
 Joey: I can do that, yeah. How is Friday?
 Phoebe: Done. Oh good, really?
 Joey: Yeah!
 Phoebe: Let's see! (Opens her address book.) Oh, you know who's great? Sandy
   Poophack.
 Joey: (Laughs) Poophack... (Laughs)
 Phoebe: Yeah... All right, well that rules out Lana Titweiller
 Joey: (Laughs)
 [SCENE: Chandler and Monica's apartment]
 Chandler: (Enters) Hey!
 Monica: Hey!
 Chandler: I've got good news!
 Monica: You got out of the whole Tulsa thing?
 Chandler: Okay, I have news. You don't have to move to Tulsa. You can stay
   here and keep your job.
 Monica: It's great! How?
 Chandler. Well my boss and I worked out a deal where I only have to be in Tulsa
   four days a week, so the other three I can be here with you.
 Monica: So you're gonna be gone four days a week? (Thinks about it.) No.
 Chandler: I'm sorry, are you just used to saying that?
 Monica: No. I can't be away from you for that long.
 Chandler: Really?
 Monica: Yeah, you're my husband. I'm not gonna live in a different state than
   you for 208 days out of the year.
 Chandler: That's fast math! We could use you in Tulsa.
 Monica: Honey, thanks for trying to figure out a way, but if you're going to
   Tulsa, I wanna go with you.
 Chandler: Hey, you said that without gagging!
 Monica: I know! (They high-five.)
 [SCENE: Ross and Rachel's apartment]
 Rachel: (On the phone) Excuse me? Oh yeah? Well, up yours too! (Hangs up)
 Ross: (Enters from his bedroom)Who the hell was that?!
 Rachel: Dr. Wiener.
 Ross: Rach, you can't call people at three in the morning.
 Rachel: Oh you know what, you sound just like his wife!


Ross: Was there anything you did wrong with Emma?
 Rachel: Yes, of course there is! Okay? I'm not insane!
 Ross: Well, what was it?
 Rachel: Hiccups.
 Ross: Rach, I told you, you can't call him every time any little thing comes
   up.
 Rachel: Yeah well, not anymore I can't. He fired us! What are we gonna do?
   We have to find a pediatrician. Wait wait, Monica said that when you guys were
   growing up, you really liked your doctor. What was his name?
 Ross: Dr. Gettleman? Yeah I know, I don't think that's a good idea. In fact,
   I think he's dead.
 Rachel: Argh! Why does everything happen to me?!
 Ross: Rach, I promise first thing tomorrow we'll find another doctor, but I
   gotta get up early and I'm not feeling all that well.
 Rachel: What? What, do you mean you're not feeling well? What do you have?
   Is it Rubella? Because don't go near Emma, she has not had that shot.
 Ross: You know? Come to think of it, it does feel Rubella-like! (Walks back
   into his room.)
 Rachel: (Grabs the phone and stars dialing) (On phone) (In a high pitch voice)
   Wiener, Wiener (In a low pitch voice) Wiener, Wiener!!!
 Ross: (Comes back into the living room) Rachel!!!
 Rachel: Great! Now he's gonna know it was me!
 [SCENE: Joey's apartment]
 Phoebe: (Enters) Hey!
 Joey: Hey!
 Phoebe: So how is this for our big double date tonight? (She is all dressed
   up)
 Joey: (Realizes that he has forgotten all about the double date) Oh my God!
 Phoebe: Ooh, great! Just the reaction I was hoping for.
 Joey: Yeah, so you found someone for me. You didn't forget?
 Phoebe: Of course not! And you're gonna love Mary Ellen. She's really smart
   and cute and funny, and I can't tell you how I know this, but she' not opposed
   to threesomes. So tell me some about my guy.
 Joey: No.
 Phoebe: Come on, give me something. What's his name?
 Joey: Mike.
 Phoebe: Mike? Okay! What's his last name?
 Joey: Damnit! Is there no mystery left in romance anymore!?
 Phoebe: All right, we'll se you and Mike at the restaurant in a couple hours.
 Joey and Phoebe: (Ad-lib good-byes) (Phoebe leaves)
 Joey: Why did I have to say Mike? I don't know a Mike! Why couldn't I have
   said... (Looks through his address book) There's no guy in there!
 [SCENE: Chandler and Monica's apartment]
 Rachel: It's impossible to find a good doctor. I mean, how do you know the
   good ones from the ones who are gonna push their penis against your knee?
 Monica: Excuse me?
 Chandler: I know what she's talking about.
 Rachel: We've got to find a new pediatrician. Ross was getting sick last night,
   and I think Emma may have caught it.
 Monica: Why don't you go see Dr. Gettleman?
 Rachel: Ross said he died.
 Monica: He didn't die. I saw his daughter last week. Said he was fine. Her
   on the other hand, botched Botox.
 Rachel: Oh, great! Well, then I'm gonna take Emma to see him. I wonder why
   Ross said that he died.
 Monica: Oh, maybe he was getting him confused with his childhood therapist.
 Chandler: He saw a therapist?
 Monica: Yeah, he used to have this recurring nightmare, just really freaked
   him out.
 Rachel: Why? What was it?
 Monica: That I was going to eat him.
 [SCENE: Central Perk]
 (Joey walks in and looks around. He's trying to find a Mike for Phoebe)
 Joey: MIKE!!!
 Mike: Yeah?
 Joey: (Checks him out) Okay! (Walks over to his table and sits down with him)
 [SCENE: Restaurant]
 Mike: I gotta tell you, I can't believe I'm doing this with you. Although I
   did just get out of a nine-year relationship, so I guess I should be open and
   taking some risks.
 Joey: Everything is gonna be fine. Just follow my lead, okay? All you have
   to do is pretend to be Mike.
 Mike: I am Mike.
 Joey: Atta boy!
 (Phoebe and Mary Ellen enter.)
 Joey: Okay, look...
 Everyone: (Ad-lib hellos)
 Phoebe: Joey, this is Mary Ellen Jenkins. So, Mike, how do you and Joey know
   each other anyway?
 Mike: How do I and Joey know each other? Wow, if I had a nickel for every time
   somebody has asked me that.
 Joey: (Laughs) From school.
 Mike: Yeah, we met in college. (Off Joey's look) I mean, high school.
 Phoebe: Wow, you guys go way back then. So what are you up to these days?
 Mike: Well, I'm a lawyer.


Joey: Mike, 'attorney at law'!
 Mike: Actually, I just gave up my practice.
 Joey: What? That's the kinda thing you usually run by me.
 Mike: I always wanted to play piano professionally, and I figured if I don't
   do this now, I never will.
 Phoebe: Wow, that's great! I liked that better than the law thing, so...
 Joey: Which is why I waited until now to introduce you to Mike.
 Mary Ellen: I thought you thought he was still a lawyer.
 Joey: No, no, that's not what I meant. Let's get you a cocktail.
 [SCENE: Chandler and Monica's apartment]
   (Monica Enters. Chandler is in the kitchen with his laptop)
 Monica: Hey!
 Chandler: Hey!
 Monica: What are you doing?
 Chandler: Looking for restaurant jobs for you in Tulsa.
 Monica: That's so sweet. Find anything?
 Chandler: Slim Pickings.
 Monica: Nothing, huh?
 Chandler: No, 'Slim Pickings', it's a barbecue restaurant. They're looking
   for a cook. Actually 'cook' may be a bit of a stretch. They're looking for someone
   to shovel mesquite.
 Monica: 'Slim Pickings'...That is so cheesy.
 Chandler: 'So Cheesy' also has an opening.
 Monica: Honey, that's okay. I actually know this woman, Nancy, who's a restaurant
   biz head-hunter. Maybe she'll know of something.
 Chandler: Can I just say how much I appreciate you coming with me. When we
   get to Tulsa I'm taking you for a great dinner at 'Slim Pickings'. 'So Cheesy'?
   'Whole Hog'? It's going to be tough to keep Kosher in Tulsa.
 Monica: (On phone) Hi, Nancy. Hi, it's Monica Geller. I'm good. Listen, I'm
   looking for a job in Tulsa. Well yeah, my husband has been relocated...Because
   I love him! No, I don't want a job in New York. Javo (sp?) is looking? Oh my
   God! He asked for me personally? Oh my God! Oh, wow, this is really flattering,
   but I'm moving to Tulsa. Yeah, so if you would tell Javo (sp?) 'I'll take it!'
 [SCENE: Pediatrician's office]
 Rachel: Hi, my name is Rachel Green, I have an appointment for Emma.
 Receptionist: Dr. Gettleman is finishing up with a patient, he should be out
   shortly.
 Dr. Gettleman: (To a patient) I think you just have a cold, it's definitely
   not Strep.
 Ross: Thanks doctor.
 Dr. Gettleman: Would you like a lollypop?
 Ross: You even have to ask?! (He grabs a lollypop out of a jar) (Sees Rachel)
   (To Rachel) He is alive!
 [SCENE: Restaurant]
 Phoebe: You know, it's so surprising that you and Joey have known each other
   for so long and I've never heard about you.
 Joey: Yeah, that's because we had a bit of a falling out. Mike hit my mom with
   a car.
 Mike: No, I didn't.
 Joey: That's okay Mike, I have forgiven you. And now we're friends again everything's
   great!
 Mary Ellen Wait, is your mom okay?
 Joey: Please, we're trying to have a conversation. (Pushes the wine glass closer
   to Mary Ellen.)
 Mary Ellen: Wow, you're a lot nicer on 'Days of Our Lives'.
 Mike: 'Days of Our Lives'! That's why you look so familiar!
 Phoebe: What?!
 Mike: What?!
 Joey: What?!
 Phoebe: Do you not know each other?
 Joey: (Laughs) Of course we do! Mike is playing a game that we used to play
   in high school. Yeah, where we pretend we don't know each other. We played all
   kinds of games. (To Mike) Hey, remember the one where I punch you in the face
   for not being cool?!
 Phoebe: Mike, let me ask you something. How many sisters does Joey have?
 Mike: (Joey holds up six fingers) Six!
 Joey: What are you doing? I said seven! (Holds up six fingers.) (Realizes his
   mistake) Argh!!!
 Phoebe: Joey, why did you set me up with a stranger?
 Joey: Because I forgot about our date, I'm so sorry.
 Mike: I'm sorry too. And just to be clear, I didn't hit his mother with a car.
 Phoebe: (To Joey) You are unbelievable! I spent so much time finding the perfect
   girl for you, you know. Mary Ellen is really smart and cute and loose.
 Mary Ellen: Hey!
 Phoebe: Who are you kidding? (To Joey) You just find some guy off the street
   for me? Oh God! This is humiliating!
 Joey: Look Phoebe I'm so sorry! Hey, look, if you don't like this guy I can
   find you a better one. (Looks around) Mike!! Mike!!
 Phoebe: I'm out of here (She leaves)
 Mike: It was nice meeting you!
 Joey: (To Mary Ellen) You're leaving too?
 Mary Ellen: I'll stay if you can tell me my name.


Joey: Good night!
 [SCENE: Chandler and Monica's apartment]
 Chandler: Honey, we're leaving tomorrow you've still got a lot of packing to
   do.
 Monica: You're right. (Pause) Maybe I shouldn't go.
 Chandler: What?
 Monica: So Nancy told me about this job at this great restaurant, Javo (sp?).
   It's just a little outside of Tulsa.
 Chandler: How far outside?
 Monica: Manhattan.
 Chandler: And you're thinking of taking it? (Pause) So before you said being
   me with me was more important than any job, but I guess now it's old job, (Raises
   his hand) me, (Raises his hand) new job.
 Monica: I'm gonna miss this hand! Okay I know it's a lot to ask, but oh my
   God Chandler, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
 Chandler: What happened to 'you can't live without me four days a week'?
 Monica: Well, if you really think about it, I mean four days is not that long.
   I mean, I see you Monday before you go to work, and I see you Thursday when
   you get back, and I always work late on Tuesdays, so really if you think about
   it, it's really just one day. And well, if we can't make it one day, we've got
   real problems my friend.
 Chandler: I think you should take the job.
 Monica: Really?
 Chandler: Yeah. I know it must be important to you when you start chattering
   like a monkey.
 Monica: That's the nicest anyone has ever said to me!
 (Ross and Rachel enter with Emma.)
 Ross: Hey!
 Monica: How was the pediatrician?
 Rachel: Oh, I really liked him. (Looks at Ross) Yeah, it was really, really,
   really good.
 Ross: You promised you wouldn't say anything.
 Rachel: I know. (Pause) Ross still sees his pediatrician!!! (To Ross) I don't
   care!
 Monica: Are you serious? You still see Dr. Gettleman?
 Ross: He's a brilliant diagnostician!
 Chandler: Diagnostician or boo-boo fixer?
 Rachel: Ross, seriously! You've gotta go to an appropriate doctor.
 Ross: Why? Why? I know it's a little weird, but hey, he's a great doctor, okay?
   He knows my medical history, and every time I go in there, he makes a big deal.
   'Ah look, it's my favorite patient!'
 Chandler: Does he say that before he sticks his thermometer in your touchy?
 Ross: Hey, I seem to remember someone bringing his security blanket to college!
 Chandler: That was not a security blanket! That was a wall-hanging!
 Ross: It didn't spend much time on the wall!!!
 [SCENE: Central Perk]
 Mike: Excuse me, hi. I was hoping I would run into you. Can we talk?
 Phoebe: Sure.
 Mike: I'm sorry, really, I'm so embarrassed. Really, I'm a pretty nice guy.
   Just ask my parole officer...Apparently I'm not a funny guy.
 Phoebe: Why did you go along with that?
 Mike: Because I was told I'd get a free dinner, which I didn't. And that I'd
   meet a pretty girl. Which I did.
 Phoebe: That's true. (Pause) Well, is anything you told me about yourself true?
 Mike: My name in Mike, and I do play piano.
 Phoebe: Prove it.
 Mike: There isn't a piano here.
 Phoebe: That wouldn't stand in the way of a true pianist.
 Mike: (Plays 'air piano')
 Phoebe: You are really good! I play a little guitar myself.
 Mike: Really?
 Phoebe: Uhuh.
 Mike: That's great. What kind of music do you play?
 Phoebe: Well, like acoustic folksy stuff. You know? But right now I'm working
   on a couple 'Iron Maiden' covers.
 Mike: Do you think that maybe, sometime, I could...
 Phoebe: It's okay. Go ahead, ask me out.
 Mike: Okay. Do you think maybe sometime I could take you out?
 Joey: (Walks In)
 Phoebe: (To Mike) Oh, you just caught me off guard! Yeah, that would be nice.
 Joey: Look at this. My two best friends!
 (Phoebe and Mike look at him, and he goes over to the counter.)
 [SCENE: Pediatrician's office]
 Ross: Excuse me, I don't mean to be a jerk, but the baby with the rash came
   in after me.
 Receptionist: The doctor will be right with you sir.
 Girl: (Reading a book) Mommy, I can't find Waldo.
 Ross: With the circus? He's behind the elephant.
 Woman: Wow, so your child is a big fan of the Waldo books too?
 Ross: Yeah, that's how I know. I'm Ross by the way.
 Sally: Hi, I'm Sally. So, no ring. Can I assume you are also a single parent?
 Ross: I am a single parent.
 Sally: It's hard isn't it? There's almost no time for a social life. I mean,
   where are you gonna meet someone?


 Untitled Document
 THE ONE WITH THE SHARKS
   WRITTEN BY : Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
 [Scene: Ross is in central perk Phoebe comes in]
 Phoebe: oh hey Ross oh I'm so glad someone's here could you zip me up?
 Ross: sure.
 Phoebe: thank you can you believe no one between my apartment and here offered
   to do that for me.
 Ross: people (shakes head, they sit) so why you all dressed up.
 Phoebe: oh umm Mike's picking me up for a date.
 Ross: oh yea now um how is that going, is it getting serious?
 Phoebe: oh I dunno I dunno, you know I mean I like him but am I ready to take
   my grade a loins off the meat market.
 Ross: you know I really admire your whole dating attitude, it's so healthy
   I'm always like is this moving to fast? Is this moving to slow? Where's this
   going?
 Phoebe: yea you know you are a bit of a drama queen.
 Ross: but you, your so much better off you just go from guy to guy having fun
   and never worrying that it terns into anything serious.
 Phoebe: I wouldn't say never, you know there's that guy (pause) well what about
   (pause) ok well there's gotta be someone.
 Ross: There isn't that's what I'm saying. (All happy)
 Phoebe: Oh my god you're right.
 Ross: I know and yet here you are all ready for the next date.
 Phoebe: I can't believe I never realized this before, I'm in my thirty's and
   never been in a long-term relationship oh my god (starts crying) what's wrong
   with me.
 Ross: no, no, no there's nothing wrong with you I mean you don't strike me
   as the type of person that wants to get married anyway.
 Phoebe: I wanna get married (grabs a tissue)
 Ross: please don't cry because of me Pheebs I don't know what I'm talking about,
   I've been divorced three times.
 Phoebe: least you've been married, OH MY GOD! I wanna trade lives with Ross
   (cries more)
 Mike: Phoebe (comes in smiling then sees Phoebe crying) what's wrong?
 Phoebe: nothing, I'm excited about our date, Mike this is Ross Geller this
   is Mike Haaaaa (starts crying)
 Ross: I'm sorry I didn't catch.
 Mike: its Mike Hanagen
 Ross: Oh Ross Geller
 Mike: Hey, so are you sure your ready to go.
 Phoebe: uh huh (terns to Ross) how do I look (all her make up has gone everywhere)
 Ross: do you have a compact in your purse?
 Phoebe: (goes to cry) No
 Ross: you look great.
   Opening Credits
   [Scene: Monica enters central perk]
 Monica: hey Joey
 Joey: Hey, this girl won't turn around and I can't tell whether she's hot or
   not, what do you think?
 Monica: Joey I am not going to objectify woman with you (looks at the woman)
   but if her face is as nice as her ass woah mamma.
 Joey: Alright thanks, Oh hey have you talked to Chandler?
 Monica: yeah he has to stay in Tulsa this weekend
 Joey: how come?
 Monica: he has to work, there's some rush on the big (pause, thinks) ah damn
   it one of these days I'm really gonna have to start listening when he talks
   about his job.
 Joey: oh why don't you fly out there and surprise him.
 Monica: maybe I will go (thinks) yea will have a second honeymoon at the Tulsa
   Ramada.
 Joey: oh and you know what you should bring the black see-through teddy with
   the attached garters. (Nods)
 Monica: how do you know I have one of those?
 Joey: didn't till just now.
 (Monica goes to the back and Joey looks at the girl)
 Joey: hot not hot (she turns around) Hot!
 Hayley: excuse me?
 Joey: I said I think you're hot and now I'm embarrassed.
 Hayley: oh I thought you said Hi.
 Joey: that would've been better, I'll try that Hi I'm Joey.
 Hayley: I'm Hayley.
 Joey: look I don't usually ask out women that I meet in coffeehouses
 Gunther: HA!
 Joey: (turns round) gesundheit
 Hayley: I would love to go out with you.
 Joey: really, great, did I actually ask you?
 Hayley: no that's just where you were going I just figured that I'd help you
   out, you don't seem like the kind of guy that does this very a lot.
 Gunther: HA!
 Joey: (turns round again) seriously Gunther you should see someone about that
   cold, if it gets much worse you could DIE! (Gunther looks scared)
 [Scene: Ross is at Phoebe's]


Ross: so how'd the date go?
 Phoebe: well it was awful every time I thought about what you said I started
   crying.
 Ross: So he hasn't called?
 Phoebe: would you call this girl? (Puts on a crying act) thanks-fo-r-a-love-ly-even-ing
 Ross: now I feel terrible this is all my fault.
 Phoebe: well you not what you should feel terrible about, this could have been
   my serious guy he was sweet and smart and funny. Do you know how hard it is
   to meet a guy like that?
 Ross: We are a rare breed.
 [Scene: Joey is back at Hayley's Apartment]
 Hayley: what a great dinner.
 Joey: yeah and hey thanks again for letting me having that last piece of cake
   at the restaurant.
 Hayley: (laughs) your welcome again, I'm gonna make some coffee can I get you
   anything?
 Joey: do you have any cake?
 (Hayley laughs and goes into the kitchen thinking it's a joke, Joey doesn't
   see what's so funny about it)
 >>> Joey's Subconscious
   So this is going pretty good. dinner was nice, got a lot in common. (Sees a
   magazine) Victoria's secret huh we even like the same books. (Walks over to
   a painting on the wall) Oh now there's a scary painting. wait a minute I think
   I've been scared by that painting before. (Looks around) You know what this
   whole place look familiar I have definitely been in this apartment I know I've
   seen this weird plant before (it's a cactus and he touch's it) OUCH! It did
   that the last time. Oh my god, I've gone out with this girl before yeah we had
   sex on this couch and then on that chair and no. no we didn't do it hear which
   is weird because it seems like a perfectly good place.
 Joey: (bends down to see and the cactus pricks him in the ass) OUCH! That's
   why.
 [Scene: Ross goes to see Mike to explain about Phoebe]
 Ross: (He knocks at the door, Mike opens it) Hey Mike sorry to just drop by
   like this, can I come in?
 Mike: Sure (looks confused) who are you?
 Ross: I'm Ross, Phoebe's friend from the coffeehouse.
 Mike: Oh.
 Ross: yeah I really, really need to talk to you about something.
 Mike: Ok, unless you're not gonna try to get me to join a cult are you?
 Ross: (laughs) No
 Mike: oh it's just you have that look (shuts the front door)
 Ross: Damn super cuts!
 Mike: what's up is Phoebe ok?
 Ross: oh no yeah, no Phoebe is great, but umm I'm an idiot look right before
   you guys went out I accidentally got her all upset.
 Mike: that's why she was weird.
 Ross: yes, yeah I said something stupid about her never having had a serious
   relationship, but you should know she is so much fun, a wonderful person please
   don't blow her off.
 Mike: I'm not blowing her off, I actually just got off the phone with her,
   were going out tomorrow night, I mean I hope that's ok with you stranger from
   the coffee house.
 Ross: well then I didn't need to bother you or the four other Mike Hanagen's
   I bothered.
 Mike: hey wait wait wait wait wait! Is that true what you said Phoebe's never
   had a serious relationship?
 Ross: of course she has. if she'd never had a serious relationship I'd go round
   broadcasting it like some unstoppable moron.
 Mike: but you did say it
 Ross: yes, yes I did. and I will also say what I'm about to say Vis-e-vis
   the following Phoebe has never had a serious relationship since her. super-serious
   relationship with. Vicrum.
 Mike: Vicrum?
 Ross: WHAT THAT'S A REAL NAME!
 [Scene: Chandler arrives home from work]
 Chandler: (enters singing) Oklahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the
   plane, STOP IT! Why couldn't they have sent me to Texas? 7 o clock maybe I'll
   hit the gym (sits down) who am I kidding pay-per-view porn.
 -Cuts to Monica (She's just arrived outside his room she fixes a bent photo
   hanging on the wall then sprays mint in her mouth and enter)
 Chandler: DO NOT DISTURB DO NOT DISTURB! Monica (smiles)
 Monica: is everything all right?
 Chandler: everything's great, just watching some regular television there,
   what a pleasant surprise. (She hugs him, and she knows what he was doing so
   she looks at the TV and sees sharks swimming around thinking Chandler was giving
   himself a treat to sharks.)


Monica: I'm gonna go freshen up ok
 Chandler: Ok honey. that was close.
 -Cut to Rachel (Phone ringing)
 Rachel: Hello
 Monica: Hey Rach its me ok I just got the Chandler's room and I caught him
   molesting himself.
 Rachel: Oh that couldn't have been pretty. but you know guys do that.
 Monica: yea well the weird part is... he was getting off to a shark attack
   show!
 Rachel: Nooooooooo!
 Monica: Yes! Chandler Watches Shark Porn!
   Commercial Break
   [Scene: Rachel is at Monica's, talking about Chandler & him watching 'Shark
   Porn']
 Rachel: well watching sharks? Are you sure that's what he was doing?
 Monica: do you know how many times I've seen him jump up like that, believe
   me I know what he was doing.
 Rachel: man sharks. I always knew there was something weird about that dude.
   But you promised to love him no matter what.
 Monica: what means if he gets like a disease or kills someone. not if he gets
   his jollys to jaws!
 Rachel: Ah! You know what honey guys are just different, they like things that
   we can't understand, you know I once dated this guy who wanted to pretend he
   was an archeologist and I was a naughty cave woman that he unfroze from a block
   of ice.
 Monica: Eww are you talking about my bother.
 Rachel: yeah I didn't disguise that very well did I.
 Joey: (enters) Hey
 Rachel: (sits down) Hi
 Joey: listen to this... I went out with this girl last night and half way through
   our date I realized I already slept with her.
 (Monica makes a strange face and sits down)
 Rachel: so basically you've slept with all the woman in New York and now you're
   just going around again.
 Joey: well that's not even the weird part. I don't think she remembered sleeping
   with me.
 Monica: But you don't remember sleeping with her.
 Joey: yeah but she should remember sleeping with me I am very memorable, you
   guys know.
 Rachel: what, how do we know, we never slept with you.
 Joey: and who's fault is that.
 Monica: what's the big deal, you forgot, she forgot, maybe you were having
   an off night
 Joey: HEY! I never have an off night ok although sometimes when I'm a little
   bloated I don't feel very sexy BUT EVEN THEN I'M BETTER THEN MOST!
 Monica: Honey why don't you just let it go and ask her out again.
 Rachel: yeah your both so slutty you don't even remember who you've slept with,
   you're made for each other.
 Joey: Interesting. all right I'll go out with her again and try to get past
   it (reaches for the chips) OH SALT BLOATY!
 Monica: Joey, Joey.
 Joey: What?
 Monica: you don't think sharks are sexy do you?
 Joey: No. (Pause) wait a minute what was the little mermaid?
 (Monica just looks at him, and Rachel wants to laugh)
 [Scene: Phoebe's at her apartment waiting for Mike Ross comes over]
 Phoebe: It's open.
 Ross: Hey!
 Phoebe: HEY! Mike called were going out again! YAY! YAY! (She dances around
   with happiness)
 Ross: YAY! (He continues the happiness with her by dancing around) quick thing,
   I went to talk to Mike.
 Phoebe: What? Wha-wha-wha-did you do ROSS!
 Ross: oh boy you got mad at that part. I went over there to tell him how great
   you are but you know me BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, and I ended up telling him that.
 Phoebe: WHAT!
 Ross: umm. that you had a six year long relationship with a guy named Vicrum.
 Phoebe: WHAT! WHY?
 Ross: well he seemed to bum hard that you'd never been in a serious relationship.
 Phoebe: (Walks towards Ross) If you hadn't just had a baby with my best friend
   I swear to Lucifer a rabid dog would be feasting on your danglers RIGHT NOW!
 Ross: well Phoebe, I think you'll feel better when you know a little bit about
   Vicrum, His a Kite designer (He makes a wow face) and he used to date Oprah.
   (He makes another wow face)
 Phoebe: I'm not going along with some lie you made Ross, No I'm just gonna
   be honest with him.
 Ross: Good yeah just be honest with him.
 Phoebe: yeah I've nothing to be ashamed of ok so I haven't been in a relationship
   that lasted longer then a month. Ok I haven't had a real boyfriend you know
   if he can't handle that he can leave. which he will and that's ok. so I'll just
   be alone forever you know alright I'll be. it'll be fine. it'll be fine. I'll
   go walking tours with widows and lesbians. Oh (takes a deep breath and sits
   down, knock on the door)


Ross: I'll get it
 Phoebe: ok
 Mike: (Ross opens the door) You know I'm trying to think of the last time I
   opened a door and you weren't there, Phoebe are you ok? (She has her hands over
   her mouth)
 Phoebe: Uh huh yeah (stands up) there's just something umm, there's something
   you should know (Pause) Vicrum just called.
 [Scene: Joey is back at Hayley's place after there date]
 Hayley: so it was kind of a shock after 25 years of marriage my parents, a
   perfect couple getting divorced, I kinda took it the hardest cause I was the
   youngest.
 Joey: Uh huh, sure, yeah. How can you not remember me?
 Hayley: What?
 Joey: How could you not remember that we slept together?
 Hayley: What! When?
 Joey: I dunno!
 Hayley: I really, really think I would remember sleeping with you
 Joey: come on, come on, search your brain all right. it was (thinks) a certain
   amount of time ago, I was here you were here, we had sex (starts pointing out
   the places) here, here, here NOT there. Anything?
 Hayley: no it's not ringing any bells.
 Joey: my god woman! How many people do you have to had been with not to remember
   any of this?
 Hayley's roommate: Hey Hayley you've really gotta fix that doorknob. Joey!
 Joey: Ooooooooooh, I slept with you! And you obviously remember me Hey! I still
   got it. (Turns back to Hayley) so were good. (She just glares at him) I'll let
   myself out.
 [Scene: Phoebe is sitting with Mike, explaining about Vicrum]
 Phoebe: .and I said Vicrum you can't just call every time you get lonely you
   know, you, you gave up that right when you slept with Rachel.
 Mike: But Rachel I thought she just had a baby with Ross
 Phoebe: yeah well (pause) yeah you know Emma's birth certificate might say
   Geller but her eyes say Mookurgee.
 Mike: that is so wrong and on top of that his a glue sniffer.
 Phoebe: I know but he call's and my heart goes to him. You know that bastard
   is one smooth talking free lance kite designer.
 Mike: I just think there's somebody better out there for you, (pause) I mean
   I'm not saying me but. maybe me.
 Phoebe: Oh.
 Mike: and you don't have to worry about glue sniffing with me. although I do
   smell the occasional magic marker, yeah ah anyway I just think I can make you
   happy.
 Phoebe: ok I can't do this.
 Mike: what's wrong?
 Phoebe: well there is no Vicrum, Ross made him up because I never really have
   been in a long-term relationship, I've never lived with a guy, and I've never
   even celebrated an anniversary so. (Pause) if that's too weird for you and you
   wanna leave I totally understand. In fact I'll close my eye's make it less awkward
   (She sits with her eyes closed and Mike kisses her, Phoebe opens her eyes and
   like a little child says.) You kissed me.
 Mike: uh huh
 Phoebe: so you don't think I'm a total freak
 Mike: No. well look can I think your weird and also cool for telling me the
   truth and also wanna kiss you.
 Phoebe: I guess so, can I. can I think it's cool that you kiss me and also
   wanna kiss you again (they get closer to kiss and Phoebe pulls back) and umm,
   be a little concerned about the magic markers.
 Mike: Definitely
 Ross: (They kiss and the phone rings and machine picks it up, its Ross putting
   on an accent pretending to be Vicrum) This is Vicrum.
 [Scene: Chandler arrives home and Monica's got a video of Sharks ready for
   Chandler]
 Chandler: Hi honey I'm home!
 Monica: Hi, how was your flight? (She hugs him)
 Chandler: oh it was great.
 Monica: Here why don't you sit down, get yourself comfortable because I. (Monica
   shows him the tape then puts it in) have a little surprise for you.
 Chandler: well, well, well it must be five in Tulsa because it's six o clock
   IN NYC!
 Monica: Ok (sits down next to him) This is how much I love you. (She presses
   play then puts her arm around Chandler's neck.)
 Chandler: (Chandler looking confused) Honey why am I watching a bunch of sharks
   swimming around.
 Monica: Is this not the good part? Do you want me to fast forward to something
   a little toothier.


 Untitled Document
 THE ONE WITH PHOEBE'S BIRTHDAY DINNER
 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Written by: Scott SilveriDirected by: David SchwimmerTranscribed
 by: Christoph Peper
 [Scene: Central Perk. All except Chandler, plus Emma.]
 Phoebe: Oh hey you guys, I couldn't get a reservation for the nightof my
 birthday, so we have to do dinner Thursday night instead.
 Joey: Thursday? But that's Halloween.
 Phoebe: So?
 Joey: [It's just] So spooky, that's all.
 Ross: So, so, is Mike coming to dinner?
 Phoebe: No! It's my first birthday with a boyfriend, and he has towork.
 Uch, I get mad at him, but I think it's a little to soon toshow my true
 colors.
 Rachel: Pheebs, I would make a reservation for five, because one ofus has
 to stay home and watch Emma. (to Ross:) Which one of us shouldgo to
 dinner?
 Phoebe: Oh, Rachel!
 Ross: Actually, um, I was thinking maybe both of us could go.
 Phoebe: Oh, yay!
 Ross: Thanks, I put a lot of extra thoughts on your gift.
 Phoebe: Alright, okay, so we can all go now. That is fun. Hey, youknow
 what? We all haven't been together the six of us in such a longtime.
 Monica: What are you talking about? We're all together right now.
 Rachel: Um, Mon, Chandler's not here.
 Monica: Oh, dear god!
 *Opening Credits*
 [Scene: Tulsa, a conference room. Chandler is chairing a group
 ofeight people.]
 Chandler: Good morning everyone, it's nice to see our team togetherfor
 the first time. Now, before we get started, are there anyquestions?
 (colleague raises hand) Yes, Ken is it?
 Ken: That's right. Is it true, that the reason you are here in Tulsais
 that you fell asleep in a meeting and took the job withoutrealizing what you
 were saying yes to?
 Chandler: (laughs) Well, don't believe everything you hear, Ken.(both
 turning away to files) But yeah, that's true. Alright, let'sget started, by
 take a look at last quarter's figures. (The femalenext to Chandler starts
 smoking, towards heRoss:) Ah, Claudia, aren'tyou supposed to blow smoke up
 the bosses' ass?
 Claudia: I'm sorry. Does the smoke bother you?
 Chandler: No, no, no-no-no. I smoked for years, then I quit. Rightnow, I
 can't remember why. (to everyone:) You're not allowed to smokein this
 office. Not right?
 Claudia: Yes, in Oklahoma it's legal to smoke in offices with
 fifteenpeople or less. (passing the pack) Would you like one?
 Chandler: Alright, lo...look. I don't smoke anymore. But if the restof
 you want to light up, go ahead, it's fine. (everyone lits) So youall smoke
 then? That's almost rude, that I'm not.
 Ken: That's not true. If you don't wanna smoke ...
 Chandler: (loud) Ken, please! No, I can't, I can't smoke. If I smoke,my
 wife would kill me.
 Ken: I'm sorry, but isn't your wife back in New York?
 Chandler: I always liked you, Ken. (takes a cig)
 [Scene: The Bings'. Monica in bathrobe, merely covered.
 Someone'Sknocking at the door.]
 Phoebe: (from outside) Trick or treat! (It's obviously Halloween eve,the
 night of her birthday dinner.)
 Monica: (opening the door) Hey!
 Phoebe: Ooh, and treat it is. (Monica's breasts.)
 Monica: Hmhmm. (ties up)
 Phoebe: Wow, so glad I changed. Almost weared my ??? outfit thatcan't
 contain my breasts.
 Monica: This is not, what I'm wearing. I'm ovulating and Chandler'sgonna
 be home any minute, so I thought we would try before dinner.
 Phoebe: Ohh. Oh wait! (Jis) you guys won't be late for my dinner,will
 you?
 Monica: Believe me, Chandler and I have not seen each other in over
 aweek. We'll probably be the first ones there.
 Phoebe: 'kay, see you there. Happy humping! (outside meetingChandler.)
 Hey...hey! Oh, wow, somebody smoked out here? Oh my god,don't people know,
 you're not allowed to smoke in public spaces?
 Chandler: Actually, in Oklahoma smoking is legal in all commune areasand
 offices with fewer than fifteen people.
 Phoebe: You smoked!
 Chandler: No! I just happened t'do a lot trivias about smoking
 indifferent states. For example, in Hawaii cigarettes are
 calledLeyhallalookoos.
 Phoebe: (smells at him) Chandler, you stink of cigarettes.
 Chandler: Uch, do you think, Monica is gonna be able smell it?
 Phoebe: Are you kidding? The woman has the nose of a bloodhound ...and
 the breasts of a great goddess.
 Chandler: Pheebs?
 Phoebe: (embarrassed) I'm gonna go. (leaves to stairs)
 Chandler: (getting in) Okay, something to cover the smell ...
 Ovencleaner! (sprays himself, reads label) Unscented!
 Monica: (naughty in doorway) Welcome home. I've missed you. join mein the
 bedroom?
 Chandler: No thanks, I'm good.
 Monica: (comes over) O-kay, so you wanna play it that way, do you?
 Chandler: (shrinks back) Right. You know what? Actually I just getoff the
 plane, so I'm feeling kinda gross. Maybe I should just take ashower.


Monica: You don't need a shower.
 Chandler: (still backs away) Alright, the truth is, I soiled myselfduring
 some turbulences.
 Monica: What do I smell? (sniffs him) I smell smoke. Huh--did
 yousmoke?
 Chandler: Yes, but I just had one. Two. Two tiny cigarettes. Okay,five. A
 pack. Two pack...a...a carton. Three big fat cartons in twodays. (How many
 cigs are there in one pack and how many packs in onecarton in the US?) But
 it's over, I made a decision, I'm not gonnasmoke anymore.
 Monica: (gets a pack out of his jacket)
 Chandler: But, those are for you.
 [Scene: Ross and Rachel's. Ross phones, Rachel and Emma are there.]
 Ross: Alright, we'll just, uh, see when you get here. Bye. (hangs up)Huh,
 that was my mom, she's stuck in terrible traffic.
 Rachel: Okay, well that's now the third sign that I should not
 leaveEmma.
 Ross: Oh, what were the other two?
 Rachel: Well, let's see. The first one is: I don't want to. And, youknow,
 I'm not going.
 Ross: I know, it's the first time, we're leaving the baby and ...hey, I
 know how hard it is for you, but ... but Emma is gonna befine. My mom is
 gonna be with her. She's great with kids.
 Rachel: She is?
 Ross: Ya.
 Rachel: What about (?) Monica.
 Ross: Hey, you only heard Monica's side of that. That little fatsowas a
 terror.
 Rachel: Ish. I just don't think I can bear it.
 Ross: Rachel, I know that you can. And you should.
 Rachel: Uch.
 Ross: Really, it would be good for you and in fact, why don't you,why
 don't you go ahead to the restaurant and I will wait for my momand then I'll
 meet you there.
 Rachel: Oh-A.
 Ross: No, no, really. You should go. Just go! Go! Go out! Really,
 theworld is your oyster. Kick up the heels. Paint the town red.
 (Slangright?)
 Rachel: You need to learn some new slang.
 Ross: I'm serious. C'mon, you should go. Here. (shoves her outside,while
 she tries to stay) No, uh-uh, just go.
 Rachel: What ... Oh! (points inside)
 Ross: No! No, you know what? (closes the door) You [can't get inthere]
 (?), the baby's fine, now squam (?). Yeah, [I told you a|Tellyour] story
 walking. (?)
 Rachel: I was just going to say that I left my keys.
 Ross: Oh, (door is locked) holy moly are we in a pickle now.
 [Scene: The restaurant. Phoebe and Joey are sitting alone at a
 tablefor six.]
 Phoebe: Where is everyone? They're forty minutes late.
 Joey: I know, u-uch.
 Phoebe: I'm starving. I know we were coming here tonight, I atenothing
 all day.
 Joey: What about me, he? Only had one lunch today.
 Waiter: (with British accent) Soo, are we expecting the rest of ourparty
 shortly?
 Phoebe: Yes, they are expected presently. Yeah, yeah um, theirarrival is
 in the offing.
 Waiter: Right. We do have a table for two available, perhaps youwould be
 more comfortable.
 Joey: No, they're comin', we're waitin' right here.
 Phoebe: Joseph! (to waiter) Thou needn't worry, they shan't be long.
 Waiter: It's just that we do have some large parties waiting.
 Phoebe: One really does have a stick up one's ass. Doesn't one?
 [Scene: The Bings'.]
 Monica: How can you smoke in this day of age? Do you not seen that adwith
 a little kid walks to grandpa, it's chilling.
 Chandler: I messed up, it was a meeting, everybody was smoking.
 Monica: So what? Don't you have any will power?
 Chandler: Will power? I've watch home movies of you eating ding-dongs(?)
 without taking the tin foil off.
 Monica: You said that was sexy!
 Chandler: 'kay, look: Can we just drop this? I'm not gonna
 smokeagain.
 Monica: That's right, because I forbid you to smoke again.
 Chandler: You forbid me?
 Monica: Mhmm.
 Chandler: You know, I flew a long way t see my loving wife? Is shehere by
 the way?
 Monica: Don't joke (?) with me, okay? I'm very, very upset right now.
 Chandler: Oh, would you say this was the most upset you could be?
 Monica: Yes.
 Chandler: Then, I might as well ... (graps the cigs) do this (lightsone,
 exhales). Not really sure what to do now.
 Monica: Well, I'll tell you what we're gonna do: We are already latefor
 Phoebe's birthday dinner, so you point out put out thatcigarette, we're
 gonna put this fight on hold and go have sex.
 Chandler: Fine. What!?
 Monica: Sex! This is the last day I'm ovulating, and when we don't doit
 now, we'll have to wait till next month. (walks towards bedroom)
 Chandler: You serious? (follows)
 Monica: Oh yeah!
 Chandler: Right, fine, I'll do it, but no talking.
 Monica: Huh, and no cuddling.


Chandler: And no kissing your neck.
 Monica: Oh good, I hate it when you do that
 Chandler: And lots of kissing your neck.
 [Scene: Outside Ross and Rachel's.]
 Ross: Okay, well the ??? is not home.
 Rachel: No. Uch.
 Ross: Oh-oh, wait, my mother is gonna be here any minute. And she hasthe
 keys.
 Rachel: Alright, I can't, I can't wait that long. You have to
 dosomething--knock that door down!
 Ross: I would, but I bruise like a peach. Besides, y...you
 know,everything is gonna be fine. The baby's sleeping.
 Rachel: What if she jumped out the basinet?
 Ross: Can't hold her own head up, but yeah jumped.
 Rachel: Oh my god, I left the water running.
 Ross: Rach you did not leave the water running. Please, just pullyourself
 together, okay?
 Rachel: Ah, did I leave the stove on?
 Ross: You never cooked since 1996. (Actually Rachel cooked in '609 -TOW
 Ross Got High', first aired 1999-11-25.)
 Rachel: Is the window open? Because if there's a window open, a birdcould
 fly in there.
 Ross: Oh my god, you know what, yeah, I think you're right. I think..
 listen, listen!
 Rachel: Ubb.
 Ross: A pigeon, a pigeon. (previously scared Rachel turns away) No,no
 wait, no-no, an eagle flew in. Landed on the stove and caughtfire. The baby,
 seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mightybird's aid. The eagle,
 however, misconstrues as an act of aggressionand grabs the baby on its
 talon. Meanwhile the faucet fills theapartment with water. Baby and bird
 still up lays (?) are locked in adeath grip, swirling around the whirl pool,
 that fills the apartment.
 Rachel: Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that's true.
 [Scene: The restaurant with still just Phoebe and Joey.]
 Waiter: Hello.
 Phoebe & Joey: Hey.
 Waiter: It's been an hour. ??? be willing to reconsider switching toa
 smaller table.
 Joey: Maybe we should just eat now.
 Waiter: You can't order until your entire party has arrived.Restaurant
 policy.
 Joey: Wha-a how about this: Another table leaves, right? But there'sstill
 some food left on their place, okay, what's the restaurant'spolicy about
 people eatin' that?
 Waiter: Estrangement (?).
 Joey: But it happens? (waiter leaves) I'm gotta go to the bathroom.
 Phoebe: No, you can't go. No-no-no, I can't hold this table on myown. If
 they ask me to move, I cave.
 Joey: If you ask me to stay, I'll pee. (leaves)
 Maitre D': Good evening, Miss. (Phoebe turns her head away) Miss?(from
 the opposite side) Miss? (ahe turns again) Miss!
 Phoebe: Okay, fine, I'll move. Alright, you don't have to manhandleme.
 (gets up) Where? (he points at a smaller table) Okay. Thank you.Wach.
 Joey: (returns to their old table where elderly people are sittingnow,
 sits) Finally you guys made it. (looks up, turns left toPhoebe's chair)
 Pheebs, who the hell--uhuhh!
 [Scene: The Bings' bedroom, Chandler is undressing, Monica in
 bedalready.]
 Monica: Spend more time with the tie. That'll make a baby.
 Chandler: Look, I can't do this. I can't make luv to you while
 we'refighting this way.
 Monica: Oh sure, now you're Mister Sensitivity. But when you wantedto
 have sex right after my uncle's funeral
 Chandler: That was a celebration of life. Alright, look, I'm notgonna do
 this. Alright, is this really the way you want a baby to beconceived?
 Monica: No, you're right. Mnya, we shouldn't do it like this. Huch.For
 what it's worth, I'm, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come down onyou so hard
 about the smoking. So you had a few cigarettes, not theend of the world.
 Chandler: Mean it?
 Monica: Yah.
 Chandler: You are incredible. Unless, I...I'm not gonna smoke again.And
 if I do, I promise, I will hide it so much better from you. (theykiss)
 Monica: D'you want to?
 Chandler: Yeah, let's celebrate life!
 Monica: 'kay.
 [Scene: Ms. Geller, Rachel and Ross storm into the apartment.]
 Rachel: Och, god. (seeing Emma) Oh, thank god, you're okay. I'm sosorry
 we left you. Mom never gonna leave you again. Never ever everagain. Uch.
 Ross: Great. So let's get going?
 Rachel: Oh no. I mean it. After what just happened, I'm never leavingher
 again.
 Ms. Geller: I understand, seperation is hard. One time I was about
 toleave Ross to go to the beauty parlor and he got so upset, he tookoff
 all his clothes, tucked his ??? between his legs and cried out:'Mommy, I'm a
 girl, take me with you.'
 Ross: Somehow over time it got easier to be apart from you.
 [Scene: Bings in bed, finished.]
 Chandler: Uhh. You are welcome.
 Monica: You know what? Let's not talk.
 Chandler: What?
 Monica: Uch. I am still so mad at you for smoking.
 Chandler: But you said you forgave me. It was just a couple
 ofcigarettes--no big deal.


Monica: Oh, blablablabaybaybay.
 Chandler: Leave it.
 Monica: I was just saying that because I was ovulating and you saidyou
 wouldn't have sex with me while we're fighting.
 Chandler: You tricked me to get me into bed?
 Monica: That's right, I got mine.
 Chandler: I feel so used.
 [Scene: Restaurant, still just the not-couple.]
 Phoebe: Well, I guess they're not coming. You wanna just order?
 Joey: Thank you. (stands up and kisses her lips.) Waiter! 'lright,this is
 gonna be fast, so try to keep uPhoebe: Risotto with theshaped truffels and
 the roasted rip steak with the goldenChanderelles and a Bordelaise sauce and
 that any that stuff I justsaid means snails. (Hope, *I* kept up.)
 Waiter: Er--does not.
 Phoebe: Tomato tart and which of the pastas would you recommend?
 Waiter: Oh, they're both exclus...
 Phoebe: Both it is, thank you.
 Joey: Oh, uh, again. Can I make a special request: Can you
 bringeverything as soon as it's ready? Appetizers, entrees, we don't
 care.
 Ross & Rachel: (entering) Hey, hi, hi!
 Waiter: I'll just wait to put your order in.
 Phoebe: You guys are over an hour late. What happened to you two?
 Ross: I'm so sorry ...
 Rachel: We got locked out of the apartment, we ...
 Joey: That's a great story--can I eat it?
 Ross: And then Rachel wasn't sure she could leave the baby.
 Rachel: N-it wasn't easy, but it's your birthday and I did what I gotto
 do.
 Phoebe: And that's Judy over there at the bar with Emma?
 Rachel: Oh honey, this is for the best, thus I'm not distracted,worrying
 about Emma, how she's doing at home and I'm being completelyhere with you
 and, oh, she spit up!
 Ross: What?
 Rachel: She spit up. Judy! She spi...Judy! Look alive, Judy! (theysit
 down) Thank you.
 Ross: Thanks. Oh.
 Rachel: Oh, ooh, everything looks delicious. What should I ha-ave?What
 should I have?
 Joey: (mumbling) Never hit a woman. Never hit a woman.
 Ross: Y'know this ??? is incredible.
 Joey: Ross bruises like a peach. He bruises like a peach.
 Ross: Okay, I'll have the fixed salad and the duck.
 Rachel: Yah, I'll have the soup and the salmon.
 Joey: And remember whatever comes up first. Okay? And hurry,
 because..
 Monica: (entering with husband) Happy birthday!
 Joey: Son of a bitch!
 Phoebe: Wher-where have you been?
 Monica: Well, we had a little fight.
 Chandler: I would never lie to get someone into bed.
 Monica: You used to tell girls you were a Kennedy. (being sat down)Ooh,
 uh, thanks. Wow, little tight, isn't it? How d'you get a biggertable?
 You-you had a big table, but they made you move. Huh-huh, shutup Monica.
 Whoo, I suppose that Chandler will have the smoked duck.
 Chandler: I suppose that Monica will have the ... manipulative shrew.
 Waiter: I'll give you another minute.
 Joey: Why are you going? He said, she wanted the shrew! (runs afterthe
 waiter)
 Ross: Rach, c'mon, Emma is fine. You're turning into an obsessivemother.
 Okay, you need to stop.
 Rachel: Y'guys ever heard the story about when Rosses mom went to
 thebeauty salon?
 Chandler: You mean the lully story?
 Ross: (childish) Huh-huh, they already know it.
 Phoebe: You guys, we've been waiting for you for a long time, maybeyou
 should order.
 Joey: (returned) No, no, it's okay, I already told the waiter whatthey
 want.
 Monica: Why would you do that?
 Joey: Chandler, control your woman!
 Rachel: (lifts for a toast) Okay, as everybody has ordered, I wouldlike
 to start the celebration and make a toast ... to Phoebe. Shedropped her
 sock.
 Phoebe: Aw ... what?
 Rachel: N-no, Emma dropped her sock.
 Monica: Mom's here? I wanted to have lunch with her today, she toldme she
 was out of town.
 Rachel: Ross, she still has not noticed that the baby's sock is onthe
 ground.
 Phoebe: 's a good toast.
 Rachel: (to Ross) Could you please get her attention?
 Ross: W-oa ... Mommy! (gestures to his not understanding mother)
 Phoebe: (getting up) Oh, for god's sake, Judy, pick up the sock! Pickup
 the sock! Pick up the sock! (everybody scared) I'm sorry, was thatrude?
 Di-did my, my li-little outburst blunt (?) the hideousness (?)that is this
 evening? Look, I know, you all have a lot going on, butall I wanted to do
 was have dinner with my friends on my birthday.And you are all so late and
 you didn't even have the courtesy tocall. (her cellular rings) Well, it's
 too late now.
 Ross: Well, ??? think that's us?
 Phoebe: well, this is, this is, this is not over! (on phone) Hello?
 Joey: (to Chandler and Monica) Well, what is going on with you two?
 Monica: Uch, you see, I'm ovulating.


 906 - The One With THe Male Nanny
 906 - The One With The Male Nanny (200th episode)
 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Written by: Marta Kauffman & David CraneTranscribed by: Coffee
 MugRussian to Roman alphabet: Gabriela Horber
 Dedicated to the great work of Eric Aasen, Guineapig and many, many more
 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 [Scene: Chandler's hotel room in Tulsa. He's fast asleep when the telephone
 rings.]
 Chandler: (picking up the telephone, answering it with a frog in his throat)
 Hello? (he clears his throat, but he still has the same frog in his throat when
 he speaks again) Hello?
 Monica: (in her apartment, screaming) I LOVE MY NEW JOB!
 Chandler: Honey, you're screaming.
 Monica: YOU BET YOUR ASS I AM! I just had the best first day ever! The
 kitchen: twice as big as Allessandro's.
 Chandler: (yawning) Oh, that's great.
 Monica: Yeah, a-a-and clean. Not just health department clean... Monica
 clean.
 Chandler: (clearly not so interested) Awesome.
 Monica: Oh, and the people are so nice. There's this one guy, Geoffrey, he's
 the Maitre D., Chandler, you will love him. He is without a doubt, the funniest
 guy I have ever met. (Chandler, who was almost asleep again, sits up straight in
 bed in an instant and can't believe what he just heard.)
 OPENING CREDITS
 [Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Mike are on the couch, holding hands, while
 Phoebe puts milk in her coffee.]
 Mike: This is nice.
 Phoebe: I know! (Phoebe picks up a little packet of sugar, shakes it, and
 then realises she can't open it with one hand, but doesn't want to let go of
 Mike's hand. She tries to tear open the packet with one hand.)
 Mike: You need both hands for that?
 Phoebe: Yeah, I kinda do. (Mike lets go of her hand) Well, how's this? (she
 takes Mike's hand and puts it on her breast, she tears open the sugar and puts
 it in her coffee. Mike thinks it over and nods appreciative. After that, they
 hold hands again. Joey now enters, and sees the two sitting on the couch,
 holding hands.)
 Joey: (in a very aaaaahhhhh sweeeeeet voice) Aaahhh, look at you two...
 holding hands... huh is this getting serious? (Phoebe and Mike, embarrassed,
 start babbling and look away.) Have you not talked about it yet? (They say
 nothing now, but smile) Am I making you uncomfortable? (smiles are becoming
 forced now, and he speaks to Mike) If you were bigger you'd hit me, huh...?
 Aaaaaahhhhhh (he turns away to the bar)
 Phoebe: I'm sorry... I'm sorry. It's obviously way too early for us to be...
 having that conversation.
 Mike: Is it?
 Phoebe: (in a flash she answers) Maybe not, is it?
 Mike: Okay, when I got divorced, I didn't think I'd feel this way about
 someone for a really long time... Then again, I didn't think I'd meet someone
 like you... and... this may be crazy soon, but... I want you to have this... (He
 tries to get something from his pocket, but it's not that easy... Phoebe looks
 in a 'what's happening' face to him. He finally has found something) No, not...
 that's gum. (He digs in a little more.) Ooh, five bucks... I love it when that
 happens, you know... Think no note's there...
 Phoebe: (impatient) I know Mike, why don't you keep digging?
 Mike: Oh, sorry. (He digs in again and finally finds what he's been looking
 for. A key.)
 Phoebe: Oh, it's a key. To be honest, I think I'd prefer the five
 dollars.
 Mike: It's to my apartment.
 Phoebe: (really surprised) Oh wow, ooh! Ooh, big step for Phoebe and
 Mike.
 Mike: Yeah, look, and I don't want you to feel like you have to give me your
 key just because...
 Phoebe: Oh no, I want to.
 Mike: Oh, thank God. (he laughs nervously, and Phoebe gets her keychain from
 her bag.)
 Phoebe: Yeah... ooh... wow... Even started to think I'd never meet someone
 that, you know, I wanted to... do this with. Here you go. (Both Phoebe and Mike
 look really proud.)
 Mike: Is this cool, huh?
 Phoebe: It really is.
 Joey: (sitting at his table) Oh, I know it... It is amazing these little
 things open doors... huh! (mimes opening a door with his own keys, Phoebe looks
 at him in a 'yeah, yeah, yeah' way.)
 [Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Both of them sitting on the couch,
 interviewing a nanny candidate.]
 Rachel: So I don't go back to work for another four weeks, but we would like
 our nanny to start right away, so that Emma could get a chance to know her.
 Prospective nanny: (in a sweet, caring voice) I think that's really smart.
 The easier we can make the transition for her, the better. (Ross and Rachel seem
 pleased with the answer.)


Rachel: That's great, great. So do you have any questions for us?
 Prospective nanny: Not really.
 Rachel: Allright. Well thank you so much for coming... (they're standing up
 and make their way to the door)
 Ross: Thank you.
 Rachel: Really nice to meet you... and we'll call you.
 Prospective nanny: Oh, you know, wait. I do have one question. (she starts
 playing with her hair) Do you guys do random drug testing?
 Ross: Boy, we uhm... hadn't really thought of that.
 Prospective nanny: That's cool. But... but if you do, I'm gonna need three
 days notice.
 Rachel: Okidoki! (and she slams the door in the nanny's face while Ross
 crumples up the application form) Wow! We're never gonna find a nanny.
 Ross: Oh, come on Rach, we will. I promise. We have more interviews (They sit
 down and Rachel sighs) And worse comes to worse, we can always reconsider the
 uhm... the first one we met with.
 Rachel: (indignant) What, the blonde with no bra?
 Ross: She was blonde? (he looks surprised for a while, but then gets a
 'gotcha' expression on his face... There's knocking at the door.) Just a sec.!
 Okay, okay. This one's name is Sandy. She's got a degree in early childhood
 education, uhm... she worked for her last family for three years.
 Rachel: Okay... (Ross opens the door.)
 Sandy: (a guy) Hi... I'm Sandy.
 Ross: And she's a little mannish...
 [Scene: Phoebe's apartment. There's a knock on the door, and Phoebe opens
 it.]
 Phoebe: (gasps) Oh my God! David!
 David: Hi! I-i-is this a bad time?
 Phoebe: (excited) No! It's a great time, come in...! WOW, hi... Oh my gosh!
 What are you doing here? Are you back from Minsk?
 David: Well, just for a couple of days, uhm... I'm here to explain to the
 people who gave us our grant, why it's a positive thing that we spent all their
 money and uhm... accomplished uhm... nothing.
 Phoebe: Who cares, it got you here.
 David: Well, it got me to New York anyway, and then I got on a cab at the
 airport, and the guy said where to? and I just... gave him your address I...
 I... I didn't even think about it.
 Phoebe: Wow. Where is your luggage? (David thinks for a while)
 David: Damn it!
 Phoebe: A-Allright, well... I'll call the cab company.
 David: Wa... wa... wait! We can... call them later. Can you just... just
 stand there f-f-for a moment? Boy! There's an old Russian expression, uhm... it
 goes: Schto ya ztez vigul... ui! Roughly translated that means uhm... This thing
 that I'm looking at: wow!
 Phoebe: Thank you! God, no! You should see me when... Oh actually, no, I look
 pretty good.
 David: Are... are you kidding? You know, when you don't see someone for a
 long time, a-a-and you kind of build them up in your head and you start thinking
 about: Come on, don't be crazy. Nobody is that beautiful, but... well, you are.
 (Phoebe seems very charmed) Well, so, uhm... are you seeing... anyone? (Phoebe
 is still up on a cloud from what David just said)
 Phoebe: No...
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica sits on the couch and Phoebe
 is pacing up and down the room.]
 Phoebe: I'm... I'm just... I'm the worst person ever. How can I not tell
 David that I'm seeing Mike?
 Monica: Maybe he didn't give you a chance.
 Phoebe: He said: Are you seeing someone? And I said no...
 Monica: Oh, well... That had been your window.
 Phoebe: Yeah! I mean, I don't know. I was just , I was looking, I was looking
 in his eyes and I was just thinking: Oh my God! It's David. David's here. He's
 just, he's so irresistible.
 Monica: Really? The scientist guy?
 Phoebe: Really? Chandler?
 Monica: Continue...
 Phoebe: Oh.Okay, then it gets worse, 'cause then I told him that I would see
 him tomorrow night.
 Monica: Phoebe!
 Phoebe: I know! (points at herself) Evil! And... and... and... I like Mike so
 much, you know. It's just going really well. Oh my God!
 Monica: Wow, isn't it ironic that David would show up on the same day that
 you and Mike exchange keys?
 Phoebe: (sarcastically) Uhuh... Yeah...!, you know. And given my life long
 search for irony, you can imagine how happy I am.
 Monica: What are you gonna do?
 Phoebe: I mean I guess, I just have to... tell David that nothing can happen
 between us. Unless I don't... You know, complicated moral situation, no right,
 no wrong...
 Monica: You have to tell David!
 Phoebe: Okay, I knew I should have had this conversation with Joey.
 [Scene: The hallway between the two apartments. Chandler comes home.]
 Chandler: (angry) Funniest guy she's ever met! (to the door) I'm funny,
 right...? What do you know, you're a door... You just like knock-knock jokes...
 (laughs about himself, but then gets determined again) Save it for inside! (he
 enters)


Monica: Heeeeeey!
 Chandler: Hey!
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Chandler: So... Oklahoma is a crazy place. You know, they call it the Sooner
 state. Frankly I'd sooner be in any other state. (Monica looks at Phoebe, who
 also doesn't know what to say.) And what's with Oklahoma having a pan handle?
 Can all states have stuff like that? Hey yeah, I'm from the waistband, Wyoming.
 But when I was seven, we headed over to the crotch.
 Monica: (Doesn't believe what she's hearing) Was your cabin pressurised?
 Chandler: (laughs, but then moves to Phoebe) And don't get me started on the
 way that people from Tulsa talk.
 Phoebe: Okay. (and she walks away)
 Chandler: What's with the word y'all? You know, just... two words just...
 pushed together... Are we all allowed to do that, because if so, I say why stop
 there? You know, your new poodle could be your noodle. And fried chicken? Could
 be fricken.Waiter, waiter excuse me, I'll have the fricken? (Monica laughs) See,
 that's... that's funny with the fricken, right?
 Monica: No, it just remind me of something this guy did today at work. I told
 you about that funny guy, Geoffrey, right?
 Chandler: Yeah, he came up...
 Monica: Well, he did this bit... You probably had to be there, but it was
 Liza Minelli locked in our freezer, eating a raw chicken. (Phoebe bursts out in
 a laugh)
 Chandler: (to Phoebe) Were you there?
 Phoebe: No, but it sounds like it was fricken funny...
 [Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. They're interviewing Sandy.]
 Sandy: I really do understand how hard it's gotta be to leave your child with
 another person. I mean, it's leaving behind a piece of your heart... (Ross has
 got that bored/angry/skeptic look and Rachel is very emotional)
 Rachel: Sandy, that's exactly what it is...
 Ross: Are you gay? (Rachel turns to Ross in an embarrassed way)
 Rachel: Ross!
 Sandy: It's okay. I get that a lot doing what I do. But I am straight. I-I'm
 engaged actually.
 Rachel: Oh!
 Sandy: Her name is Deliah.
 Rachel: Oh, that's pretty.
 Ross: (skeptic) So you're just like a... guy who's a nanny?
 Sandy: I realise how it's... a bit unorthodox for some people, but I really
 believe, the most satisfying thing you can do with your life, is take care of a
 child.
 Ross: (on a yeah, right tone) Okay.
 Sandy: Like in my last job, I met Daniel when he was three weeks old. And I
 got to watch him grow into this awesome person... When I left, I said: I'll see
 you soon... And he said to me: Skdandy... (Ross and Rachel look puzzled) That
 was his name for me... I'll see you every day... right in... (points at his
 heart, but starts to cry before he can finish his sentence. Rachel tries to
 comfort him, but Ross has this 'you've got to be kidding me' look all over
 him)
 Ross: Yeah, kids say all kinds of crap. (In the other room Emma starts to
 cry.)
 Rachel: Oh God, she mu... she must need her diaper changed.
 Sandy: Oh, oh, I can do it for her, if you want...
 Rachel: Oh, that would be great! (Sandy leaves for Emma's room) I love him, I
 love him, I love him...
 Ross: Oh, come on, Rach, he's a guy!
 Rachel: So wh..? He's smart, he's qualified. Give me one good reason we
 shouldn't try him out.
 Ross: Because, it's weird!
 Rachel: Why?
 Ross: What kind of job is that for a man? A nanny? I-It's like if a woman
 wanted to be...
 Rachel: (she's got that 'yeah, try to say it' look on her face) Yes?
 Ross: King?
 Sandy: I er... I hope you don't mind. I used some of my home-made lotion on
 Emma. It's a mixture of calendula and honey cream. It'll dry that rash right up.
 Plus... It keeps the hands young... (it makes Rachel smile)
 Rachel: (whispering and begging) Please? (Ross makes a 'whatever' gesture)
 YES! Sandy you're hired.
 Sandy: That's great! (He gets emotional again and waves his hand in front of
 his face in a feminine way, like trying to dry his tears) I'm sorry. It's
 just... such an emotional thing when you're welcomed into a new family...
 Rachel: Oooh... ***I really can't hear what she says*** come here.
 Ross: You gotta be at least bi...
 COMMERCIAL BREAK
 [Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey is reading a 'Busty Ladies' magazine when
 Chandler enters.]
 Chandler: Hey! (Joey doesn't look up, but gestures 'wait a minute' with his
 finger while he finishes reading the article. Chandler waits for Joey to
 finish.) I need you to set me up for a joke. Later, when Monica is around, I
 need you to ask me about fire trucks.


Joey: Ooh. I-I don't know Chan. I'm not so good with remembering lines.
 Chandler: (Can't believe what he hears) Well, thank God your livelihood
 doesn't depend on it.
 Joey: I know, right? (Chandler has really big eyes, and nods) Wh... Wh... Why
 are we doing this?
 Chandler: Monica says that her Maitre D. is the funniest guy she's ever
 met.
 Joey: Seriously? She actually said that?
 Chandler: Yes! Am I crazy to be this upset?
 Joey: Nooooo! Being funny is your thing!
 Chandler: Yeah!
 Joey: Without that, you just got 'lame with women'.
 Chandler: Ye.... (stops because he realises what Joey just said, and stares
 at him. At this moment Monica enters)
 Monica: Hi! There you are.
 Joey: (sees Monica) Fire trucks! (Chandlers eyes double in size and he turns
 to Monica who doesn't understand what's happening. Then he turns back to Joey,
 who says 'you're welcome' without a sound)
 [Scene: Phoebe's apartment. Phoebe just let David in who brought a bottle of
 wine.]
 David: Wow, you look even... more beautiful than you did yesterday.
 Phoebe: Oof...
 David: In fact, ehm... I going to kiss you now. (David holds Phoebe and wants
 to kiss her.)
 Phoebe: Oh, wait, wait!
 David: Yeah, I-I don't, I can't get away with stuff like that. I-I-It sounded
 sexy in my head, so I...
 Phoebe: No, no, it's not that. (they go sit on the couch) Uhm... Remember
 when you asked me if I was seeing someone and I said no? Well, uhm... I am. His
 ... his name is Mike.
 David: Oh... oh...
 Phoebe: Yeah, I should have told you.
 David: No... well, yeah.
 Phoebe: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
 David: Well, i-it's okay. I-I-I understand... Well, s... well, are you happy
 with this guy?
 Phoebe: I am happy.
 David: Damn it! I-I'm sorry. I-I don't mean that. I-I want you to be happy...
 But only with me. No, uhm... that's not fair. Uh, who cares, leave him!. Oh, I
 don't mean that. Yes I do... I'm sorry Uhm, I... I think I should probably
 uhm... go...
 Phoebe: Well... but David, just... I just want you to know that... that...
 you know... telling you this... is one of the hardest things I've ever had to
 do.
 David: Well... just so you know... hearing it wasn't exactly a Vladnik
 carnival either... Can we at least hug goodbye?
 Phoebe: Of course, yeah.(they hug and Phoebe sighs... a little after that
 also David sighs and makes his way to the door) You know, a kiss on the cheek
 wouldn't be totally inappropriate...
 David: No... no...
 Phoebe: I mean... (David kisses Phoebe on the cheek, makes his way to the
 door and turns around again)
 David: In Minsk...
 Phoebe: Yeah?
 David: ...it's uhm... i-it's two on each cheek and uhm... and one on the
 lips.
 Phoebe: Well, if that's what they do in Minsk... (They kiss 2 on each
 cheek... and then they pause... David turns to the door) In New York... it's...
 (and then David grabs her by her neck and kisses her full on the lips... They
 kiss passionately and cannot seem to stop.)
 [Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel and Sandy sit on the couch. Sandy
 holds Emma. Ross enters the apartment. Sandy and Rachel wipe their tears away
 with handkerchiefs]
 Rachel: (in a tearful voice) Oh... Oh boy... (she turns around and sees Ross)
 Hi...
 Ross: (very worried) Is everything allright?
 Rachel: Oh yeah, it's fine, it's fine. Sandy was just... was just telling me
 about how he proposed to his fiancee and it was just sooo beautiful.
 Sandy: Well, her favourite flower is the camellia. From the poem...
 Rachel: I can't... I can't hear it again.
 Sandy: You know, I can't tell it again... (wipes his tears again)
 Ross: And I'm fine never having heard it... (Rachel looks at Ross in a 'why
 do you say that' manner) Rach, can I... can I see you for a sec?
 Rachel: Yeah! (to Sandy) Excuse me... (She walks to the kitchen with Ross and
 sighs)
 Ross: Do you realise that man has cried in our apartment three times...? Huh?
 I haven't cried that many times since I moved in.
 Rachel: Look, Ross, he's just... Sandy is just sensitive, that's all.
 Ross: (picks up a cookie) Okay, okay, see... that... that is the problem. He
 is too sensitive. (takes a bite from the cookie)
 Rachel: What...? Too sensitive to take care of our baby?
 Ross: (speaking with his mouth full) Yeah, I mean, all things that guy...
 (looks at the cookie) These are amazing!
 Rachel: Sandy made Madeleines.
 Ross: This... this is exactly what I'm talking about. What kind of a guy
 makes... makes... delicate French cookies, huh? They're not even... butch, manly
 cookies with... with... you know with... with chunks. (takes a careful bite from
 the cookie)


Rachel: Well, I... you know, I-I-I don't know what to say... I mean, I never
 thought of you as a guy who needed his men to be men. You know, 'cause I gotta
 tell you Ross, it not like you just came in from branding cattle.
 Ross: Hey... there's sensitive... and there is too sensitive.
 Rachel: Okay, what? What is too sensitive? (There's music coming from the
 living room. Ross opens the door to the living room and he and Rachel see Sandy
 play a song for Emma on his recorder. Rachel is moved by this, but Ross only
 sees his point proven again, and walks back into the kitchen, angrily. The door
 he was holding, swings back and hits Rachel.)
 [Scene: Phoebe's apartment. She and David are still kissing each other in the
 living room.]
 Phoebe: Hmmm... No, no... No, I can't do this. It's bad.
 David: But... I-I-It's nice... A-a-and... nice is good. A-a-and good is not
 bad, ergo, w-w-we should keep kissing.
 Phoebe: No, no. No.
 David: But... ergo...
 Phoebe: Look David, if... if you had never left, then... yeah, we'd probably
 still be together right now, but... you did leave, and I-I'm with Mike and I
 really care about him...
 David: Uhm... uhm... Goodbye... Uh... Schto ya ztez vigul... ui... (David
 holds his hands gently on the back of Phoebe's neck. There's a sound of a a
 bunch of keys rattling, and the door opens... It's Mike)
 Mike: Well... hey, the key works...! (he looks as if he doesn't want to
 believe what's happening)
 Phoebe: (points to David) And you thanks for the face massage. Thank you.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica is in the kitchen and Ross
 enters.]
 Ross: Did Rachel tell you we hired a male nanny?
 Monica: Yeah! I think that's great!
 Ross: Oh really? Did she tell you he plays the recorder, recites poetry and
 bakes Madeleines?
 Monica: Oh... How are they?
 Ross: (looks like in heaven) Lighter than air... (changes back to serious)
 But that's not the point. (Joey now also enters)
 Joey: Hey!
 Ross: Hey...! Rachel and I hired a male nanny.
 Joey: (looks surprised) Really...? Guys do that...? That's... weird...
 Ross: Thank you!
 Joey: That's like a woman wanting to be a...
 Ross: ...a what? A what? What's the end of that sentence?
 Monica: Yes... What is the end of that sentence?
 Joey: Uhm... A penis model. (Monica can't believe what's she's hearing and
 Ross pats Joey on the back.) Anyway, hey... Did you tell Chandler that some guy
 from work is the funniest guy you've ever met?
 Monica: Yeah, so?
 Ross: Wow!
 Joey: Really? Do you not know Chandler?
 Monica: Is that why he's acting so weird...? He's jealous...? Oh my God, that
 is crazy. It's not like I'm attracted to Geoffrey...
 Joey: So what? Being funny is Chandler's thing... You know, like Ross's thing
 is... (he can't come up with anything)
 Ross: Science...? Academia...? Being a good father...?
 Joey: ...No... (he just can't seem to grasp it)
 Monica: I can't believe he's that upset about this...
 Joey: Monica, you have to do some damage control here, okay. 'Cause he's
 feeling like... (the door opens and Chandler walks in with a pizza)
 Chandler: Hey!
 Joey: Heeeyy! Hey!
 Chandler: What are you guys talking about?
 Ross: Uhm... Rachel and I hired a male nanny. (Joey makes a gesture and sound
 like 'Can you believe that?')
 Chandler: You got a man who's a nanny...? You got a manny...? (Monica starts
 laughing, but very exaggerated. Joey realises they also should laugh and punches
 Ross. Now all three of them laugh, but very fake. Chandler seems happy
 again.)
 Chandler: You know, I don't mind a... male nanny, but I do draw the line at a
 male wetnurse. (again they laugh, even more fake than before)
 Monica: Ohhh, ooohhh... you are on a roll, mister!
 Chandler: If I'd known you guys were coming over, I would have brought more
 pizza. (they all burst out in a thundering laugh)
 Monica: Okay, okay... Chandler you... you stop it! (Monica wipes away
 tears)
 Chandler: What is so funny about that? (they realise it wasn't a joke)
 Monica: Well, I don't know... I-It's... just the way you say it... I mean,
 you're funny... You have that funny thing. You're a funny guy! (Chandler turns
 to Joey)
 Chandler: Did you tell her what we talked about? (Joey starts laughing
 hysterically, but then gets serious again...)
 Joey: Yeah....
 Chandler: So those were pity laughs? PITY LAUGHS? (Joey and Ross walk away
 from the kitchen)
 Monica: Honey, listen... You have nothing to worry about with Geoffrey.
 Chandler: Oh yeah? Is he funnier than me?
 Monica: Well, you're... you're different funny... I mean, you're... you're
 more sarcastic a-a-and... well, he does... bits... and impressions... and... and
 limericks...


Chandler: I do limericks... uhm... There once was a man named Chandler, whose
 wife made him die inside.
 Monica: Honey, you know I think you're hilarious! Come on, you know that joke
 you told me last week? The one about Jerry Lewis and the girl with the lazy
 eye...? (he laughs) That slayed me.
 Ross: Hey... I made up that joke and told it to you! (He points at Chandler.
 Joey gestures to Ross 'What are you doing?)
 Joey: Not knowing when to shut up...
 Ross: Yep! That's my thing...
 COMMERCIAL BREAK
 [Scene: Phoebe's apartment. David is still there. Mike closes the door.]
 Mike: So... how many guys have your key?
 Phoebe: No, no, no, no, no... It's not... it's not... i'ts not as bad as it
 looks... really. I was just saying goodbye to an old friend.
 Mike: Your lipstick's on his mouth.
 David: Oh, uh... we just uh... happen to wear the same shade.
 Phoebe: No, uhm... David and I did use to go out... but years ago, and he
 lives in Minsk. He's only... he's only in town for a couple of days.
 Mike: Did you uhm...
 Phoebe: No, no...
 Mike: ...kiss him?
 Phoebe: Oh, well, yeah...
 David: Yes, but uhm... You should know... she really likes you. I-In fact
 I-I-I don't think you realise j-just how lucky you are fella. (he points at
 Mike)
 Mike: Don't point your finger at me.
 David: Why? Wh-What are you going to do about it?
 Mike: Well... I'll... just show you what I'm gonna do about it... (he hits
 David's finger with his finger and they start to finger-fight using their
 fingers as swords saying all kinds of macho crap)
 Phoebe: Stop it! Stop it, before someone gets really hurt! (they stop and
 Phoebe gets David's jacket and gives it to him) Here David, you should just
 go.
 David: Allright... But... if I ever do come back from Minsk... (points at
 Mike) well, you just better watch out.
 Mike: Well, if I ever goto Minsk, you'd better watch out.
 David: Oh, you're going to Minsk?
 Mike: Well, I might.
 David: Really? Well, if you do, come in the spring. It's just lovely
 there.
 Phoebe: Okay, well... guys?
 David: Right... Goodbye Phoebe. (Makes a move to kiss her.)
 Mike: Hey, what are you kidding me?
 David: Right-o, right-o... (to Mike) Take good care of her. (and he
 leaves)
 Phoebe: I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. If you... If you want your key back, I
 totally understand.
 Mike: It's never gonna happen again right?
 Phoebe: Right! Never! Never! I swear! (They kiss... The door opens and David
 comes in again.)
 David: I-I... Oh I...I just wanna say uhm... if you do ever come to Minsk,
 that's my number (gives Mike a business card) We'll uhm... we'll party up
 Vladnik style. (He leaves again)
 [Scene: Ross walks in the hallway to his apartment and stops in front of his
 own door. Now he hears two recorders playing a song. When he enters, Sandy and
 Joey are playing the recorder and Rachel listens.]
 Joey: Yeah! Allright! Hey, hey Ross. Check it out! Sandy taught me Hot-cross
 Buns.
 Ross: Really? Sounded like Three Blind Mice.
 Joey: Noooo... Three Blind Mice goes like this... (he puts his fingers in
 position on the recorder)
 Ross: (looks angrily at Joey and points at him) I swear to God...! (Joey is
 in shock)
 Sandy: Who's up for puppets?
 Joey: Me! I'm up for puppets!
 Sandy: Well, please welcome... The Snufflebumps... Who wants to be mr.
 Wigglemunch and who's gonna be the Grumpus?
 Ross: Okay, okay... How exactly is a two month old supposed to appreciate
 puppets?
 Sandy: Actually studies have shown that the movement and colours help their
 cerebral development... The whimsical characters are just for us. (He winks to
 Joey and Rachel. Ross's face says he disapproves. Joey sees that and kind of
 angrily says...)
 Joey: I wanna be mr. Wigglemunch. (and makes a 'there' nod to Ross)
 Ross: (shakes his head) Oh my God!
 Sandy: Well, I guess we know who's gonna be the Grumpus... (Ross goes to the
 kitchen)
 [Scene: Ross and Rachel's kitchen. Ross got a beer from the refrigerator and
 opens the bottle. Rachel now also enters the kitchen.]
 Rachel: That was kind of rude!
 Ross: Oh, I'm sorry. Please apologise to Sandy and the Snufflebumps for
 me.
 Rachel: You know, he was just doing his job...
 Ross: Well, you know what... I-I'm sorry I'm the only one who isn't in love
 with Gary Poppins out there... But I just... I can't... I can't go through with
 this.
 Rachel: Oh, come on Ross...
 Ross: No! Hey, you know what? I'm sorry. I would never force you... to hire
 someone you were this uncomfortable with...


 ----------------------------------------------------
 907 - The One With Ross's Inappropriate Song
 -----------------------------------------------------
 Written by: Robert Carlock
 Transcribed by: Coffee Mug
 DEDICATED TO THE GREAT WORK OF... Eric Aasen
 -----------------------------------------------------
 [Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is playing with Emma on the couch
 after just changing her diaper.]
 Ross: And that's why, no matter what mommy says, we really were on a break.
 (baby talk) Yes we were! Yes we were! (picks Emma up) Come here gorgeous.
 (puts her on his knees and talks to her) Oh! Look at you! You are the cutest
 little baby ever! You're just a... a little bitty baby, you know that? But
 you've got... (in a softer voice) You've got big beautiful eyes... Yes you
 do... and a... and a big round belly. (emphasises the B's) Big baby butt! I
 like big butts. (raps) I like big butts and I cannot lie / you other
 brothers can't deny / when a girl walks in with an itty, bitty, waist / and
 a round thing in your face you get...(Emma laughs) Oh my God, Emma... you're
 laughing! Oh my God, you've never done that before, have you? You never done
 that before... Daddy made you laugh, huh? Well, daddy and Sir Mix Alot...
 What? What? You... you wanna hear some more? Uhm...(raps) My anaconda don't
 want none / unless you got buns hon... (Emma laughs again and Ross looks
 worried) I'm a terrible father!
 OPENING CREDITS
 [Scene: Central Perk. Joey sits at a table and Chandler and Monica enter.]
 Chandler: Hi!
 Joey: Hey... hey listen... What do you guys know about investments?
 Chandler: How come?
 Joey: Well, I'm starting to make good money on the show and I'm thinking...
 I should probably do something with it.
 Monica: What do you do with your money now?
 Joey: Well, I just tape it to the back of my toilet tank. (realises that
 anyone could have overheard that) I didn't say that! It's in a bank guarded
 by robots!
 Chandler: Do you have any ideas?
 Joey: Uh, yeah... This guy at work got me excited about going in on an emu
 farm. That'd be kinda cool huh? Pitchin' in on the weekends, helping to
 plant the emus...
 Monica: Joe... Emus are birds. You raise them for meat.
 Joey: (laughs) Yeah! Right! (points at Monica) People eat birds... Bird
 meat... Now do they just fly into your mouth or you go to... you go to a
 restaurant and you say: 'Excuse me, I'll have a bucket of fried bird.'
 (laughs again) Or... or maybe just a wing or... (realises...)
 Monica: Joey, I think you should consider something a little less risky. I
 mean, I think in this market, real estate is your best investment.The Fed.
 just lowered the rates and the interest on your mortgage is totally
 deductible. (looks at Chandler) That's right, I know some stuff!
 Joey: Real estate, huh? Hmmm...
 Monica: (very excited) Oh, and you know who's selling a great apartment?
 Richard!
 Chandler: (imitating Monica) Oh, and you know whose knowledge of her
 ex-boyfriend is shocking? Monica!
 Monica: My dad told me. They play golf together.
 Chandler: Oh, well... Maybe I'll join them some time. I just hope the club
 doesn't slip out of my hand and beat the moustache off his face.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Rachel and Monica are sitting at
 the dinner table and Phoebe enters, knocking on the door.]
 Phoebe: Hi!
 Rachel and Monica: Hey!
 Phoebe: Listen! You have to help me pick a dress 'cause I'm meeting Mike's
 parents tonight! (Rachel gasps)
 Monica: Wow, the boyfriend's parents! That's a big step.
 Phoebe: (sarcastically) Really? That hadn't occurred to me.
 Monica: They just gonna love you, just be yourself.
 Phoebe: They live on the upper east side on Park Avenue!
 Rachel: Oh yeah, she can't be herself.
 Phoebe: Okay, so... allright... Which dress? (she holds up two 'Phoebe'
 dresses, Rachel and Monica look at them... taking their time, don't wanting
 to hurt Phoebe) You can say 'neither'.
 Rachel and Monica: Oh God, neither!
 Monica: I'm sorry honey, but we're gonna take you shopping. It's gonna be
 fine.
 Rachel: Yeah, totally! You are in such good hands. And I'm so good with
 meeting parents. With the father, you know, you want to flirt a little bit,
 but not in a gross way. Just kind of like: 'Oh mr. Pincer, I can see where
 Wallis gets his good looks...'
 Monica: You went out with Wallis Pincer?
 Rachel: Uh, he took the SAT's for me.
 Monica: I knew you didn't get a 1400!
 Rachel: Ssshyeah, well, duh! I mean...
 Phoebe: So... now... What about with Mike's mom?
 Rachel: Oh, with the mother, just... just constantly tell her how amazing
 her son is. Take it from me, moms love me. Ross's mom one time actually said
 I'm like the daughter that she never had.
 Monica: (Monica looks at Rachel in disbelief) She said WHAT?


Phoebe: (speaking louder and articulating) That's she's like the daughter
 she never had. (Phoebe points at her ears) Listen! (Monica looks at Phoebe
 in a duh! way)
 [Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel enters the apartment.]
 Rachel: Hi.
 Ross: Hi.
 Rachel: I just finished getting Phoebe all dressed to meet Mike's parents.
 She's so nervous, it's so sweet!
 Ross: Guess what? I made Emma laugh today.
 Rachel: (in disbelief) You WHAT? And I missed it? Because I was giving a
 makeover to that stupid hippie?
 Ross: Yeah, and it was uhm... it was like a real little person laugh too. It
 was... it was like uhm... (Ross tries to impersonate Emma's laugh, but it
 comes out very squeaky, very high pitched. He laughs about himself but then
 looks at Rachel, realises that it sounded weird and straightens his face.)
 Only... only not creepy.
 Rachel: Well... well, what did you do to make her laugh? (excited)
 Ross: I uhm... Well, I sang... (Rachel gasps) well actually I rapped... Baby
 Got Back... (Rachel's face changes from excited to angry)
 Rachel: You WHAT? You sang... to our baby daughter... a song about a guy who
 likes to have sex with women with giant asses?
 Ross: But you know what, if you think about it, it actually promotes a
 healthy uhm... body image... because... even big butts or uhm... juicy
 doubles.
 Rachel: (disgusted) owwwww...
 Ross: Please don't take her away from me!
 [Scene: Richard's apartment. There's a knock on the door.The listing agent
 opens the door for Chandler and Joey.]
 Catherine: Oh hi, come on in. I'm Catherine, the listing agent.
 Joey: Hi I'm Joey. This is Chandler.
 Chandler: So how come Richard's selling the place? Went bankrupt? Medical
 malpractice? Choked on his own moustache?
 Catherine: Actually, he is buying a much bigger place. It's got a great view
 of Central Pa.....
 Chandler: mmm That's enough about you!
 Joey: Is there anything we should know about the apartment?
 Catherine: All the appliances are included. There is a lot of light, a new
 kitchen... I think you guys would be very happy here... (Joey and Chandler
 both realise what she's assuming and start laughing.)
 Chandler: No, no, no, no, no, NO! No, no... we're not together. We're not a
 couple. We're definately not a couple.
 Catherine: Oh... Okay, sorry!
 Joey: Well, you seem pretty insulted by that. What? I'm not good enough for
 you?
 Chandler: We're not gonna have this conversation again... Look at this
 place. Why am I so intimidated by this guy? Pretentious art, this huge macho
 couch. When we know all he does is sit around all day crying about losing
 Monica to a real man! (laughs) You don't think he's here, do you? (Joey
 looks around)
 Joey: You know what it is? It's a nice place but I gotta see I don't know if
 I see myself living here. Oh, oh, oh, let me see... (Joey sits down on the
 couch, mimes opening a can and puts his hand down his pants) Yeah, I could
 see it.
 Chandler: (Chandler looks around the place and his eye gets caught by
 Richard's video collection) Look at these videos. You know, I mean, who does
 he think he is? Magnum Force, Dirty Harry, Cool Hand Luke... Oh my God!
 Joey: What?
 Chandler: There's a tape here with Monica's name on it.
 Joey: Ooh! A tape with a girls name on it. It's probably a sex tape...
 (realises) Wait a minute... This says Monica... (looks around) And this is
 Richard's apartment... (realises some more)
 Chandler: Get there faster! (Joey gasps and finally understands...)
 [Scene: Mike's parents building. Phoebe gets out of the classy elevator,
 looking all dressed up like an older woman, and very un-Phoebe. She walks to
 the door and rings the doorbell.]
 Mike: Wow! You look like... like my mom.
 Phoebe: I'm wearing pantyhose!
 Mike: Great! Come on in! (Mike kisses her on the cheek. A butler walks in
 and takes Phoebe's coat.)
 Phoebe: Oh, thank you! Oh... Oh my God, you're RICH!
 Mike: No, my parents are rich.
 Phoebe: Yeah, so... They gotta die someday. (Mike's parents walk in) HELLO!
 Mike: Mom, dad, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, these are my parents: Theodore and
 Bitsy.
 Phoebe: (in a very posh accent) Theodore... Bitsy... What a delight!
 Bitsy: It's so nice to finally meet you!
 Phoebe: And you... Your home is lovely.
 Bitsy: Well thank you, I'll give you a tour later. It's actually three
 floors.
 Phoebe: Holy crap!
 Bitsy: Phoebe, why don't you come in the living room and meet our friends?
 Phoebe: Oh, try and stop me!
 Mike: Hey... Wh... What are you doing?
 Phoebe: (no accent) I'm trying to get your parents to like me.
 Mike: Yeah, I'm sure they will, but you don't have to do this... I'm wanting
 them to get to know Phoebe, not (accent) Phoebe...
 Phoebe: (accent) Got it! It... It's hard to stop...
 Mike: Well, come on...
 Theodore: Phoebe, these are our friends, Tom and Sue Angle.
 Bitsy: Phoebe, come sit. Tell us a little bit about yourself... So where are
 you from?