Ross: What's ah, what's so funny about that?
 Emily: Well I mean, you're American to start with. You don't even have
 rugby here.
 Ross: Well, we didn't have freedom here until 1776, either so
 Devon: So good then! We'll see you at Riverside Park at 2:00! Cheers!
 Liam: Cheers!
 Ross: Cheers!
 (Liam and Devon both take a swig of their beers, while Ross takes a swig of his coffee.
 The Brits both crush their cans, and not to be out done, Ross crushes his coffee cup,
 spilling its contents.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is attempting his pre-emptive strike.]
 Janice: Oh boy, I just love to sing!
 Chandler: Yes, I-I know that you do, but I think one of the reasons people were
 complaining though, was that they paid to hear the actor sing Old Man River.
 Janice: Oh, look at us! Who would've thought that Cupid had a station at
 14th Street Nails. (Does the laugh)
 Chandler: (laughs) Okay, we have to talk. I'm just getting out of a very
 serious relationship
 Janice: I know! And I'm just getting out of a marriage, I mean talk about
 meant to be!
 Chandler: Right! I just think that this is happening too soon.
 Janice: Oh, too soon, too schmoon. Face it honey, I am not letting you get away
 this time.
 Chandler: I hear ya. (Pause) But! Unfortunately, my company is transferring me
 overseas!
 Janice: Oh no! Where to? (Gasps) Too Paris?
 Chandler: No! No! Not, Paris.
 Janice:Too London? No-no, Rome? Vienna? Ooh-ooh, Barcelona?
 Chandler: Okay, could you just stop talking for a second? (Thinks) Yemen.
 That's right, yes, I'm being transferred to Yemen!
 Janice: When?
 Chandler: I don't know exactly.
 Janice: Ugh, well I will just have to soak up every once of Chandler Bing until
 that moment comes.
 Chandler: But I do know that it's some time tomorrow.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are plugging in
 a bunch of electronics.]
 Monica: Done?
 Phoebe: Yep!
 Rachel: (entering, with Joey) Hey!
 Joey: Hey! What's up?
 Monica: This switch thing has been driving me crazy. So I turned it off and
 checked every outlet. Now, four of them don't work. Which means, one of them
 has to be controlled by the switch. So, I plugged in things in all four of the outlets
 that-that make noise, so that way, when I turn it on I just follow the noise and find out
 which one it is.
 Joey: (to Rachel) I bet I stopped listening before you did.
 Rachel: Y'know, you-you also could've used uh, lamps and then
 followed the light.
 Monica: Yeah, well, I'm using noise. Okay. All right! So, is everybody
 ready? Here we go. (She flips on the switch and a hum starts.) I hear something! I hear
 something! Where is it? (They all start looking until Rachel realises it's Joey.)
 Rachel: It's coming from Joey!
 Phoebe: Oh my God, that's so freaky! Turn him off!!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross, Joey, and Rachel are
 watching rugby on TV as Phoebe enters.]
 Phoebe: Ooh, hey, could we put on the news? I think it might be raining.
 Ross: Oh, just hold on a second. I'm watching this rugby thing on ESPN.
 I don't know what the big deal is. I'm man enough to play this sport.
 Joey: Dude, you're not even man enough to order the channel that
 carries the sport.
 Janice: (entering) Hey there Ross!
 Ross: (shocked) Hey!
 Phoebe: (whispering to Ross) Janice.
 Chandler: Y'know uh, you didn't really have to help me pack.
 Janice: Ohh, well when you said all you were going to be doing between now and
 the time you leave is packing, you didn't really leave me much choice. Did you?
 Chandler: Well, I-I thought I did but, I-I guess I did not!
 Joey: Hey-hey, what's going on?
 Chandler: Oh, I'm packing. Y'know I'm-I'm packing
  cause I'm moving to Yemen tomorrow.
 Joey: Thanks for telling me!
 (Janice runs into the bedroom.)
 Chandler: I'm only going to pretend I'm moving to Yemen, it's the
 only way I can get rid off her.
 Joey: Ohhhh, good one! And Yemen that actually sounds like a real country.
 Janice: (leaning in from the bedroom) Chandler! Come on, I'm gonna show how
 to roll up your underwear and stuff it in your shoes. It's a real space saver.
 Phoebe: Yeah, I know, I do that  cause it makes me look taller.
 Janice: Okay, Chandler, come on!
 Chandler: (to Janice) Okay. (to Joey) Joey, trade lives with me!
 Joey: Nope. (To Ross) Man look at this! Ross, I can't believe you said
 you'd play rugby. I mean look how brutal this is!
 Ross: Hey, I can handle it! All right?
 Rachel: Please, Ross, you-you got hurt playing badminton with my dad.
 Ross: That's  cause- cause you're mom's dog kept-kept
 looking at me.
 Joey: (pointing to the TV) Okay, Ross, look-look-look-look, look right here.
 That's called a scrum, okay? It's kinda like a huddle.


Ross: And is a hum, kinda like a scruddle?
 Joey: Ross! (Laughs) They're gonna kill you!
 Phoebe: Well, why are you doing this anyway?
 Ross: Well, you should've seen the guy that she used to go out with. I
 mean, he's like Joe Rugby.
 Phoebe: You're kidding! And he plays rugby?! That's so funny.
 (Realises) Ohh! I see how you did that. All right.
 Ross: Anyway, she thought the very idea of me playing rugby with him was
 like hilarious. So I'm gonna show her how tough I really am!
 Rachel: (starts laughing, Ross stares at her) I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
 You're right, you are a tough guy. You're the toughest palaeontologist I know.
 Joey: All right, come on look, Ross can take care of himself! It's not like
 he's Chandler!
 Chandler: (from his bedroom) Thanks!
 Ross: Look, don't worry about me. Okay? I'll just stay real energetic
 and stay away from the ball. I'll uh, I'll be that guy right out of the circle.
 (He points to a player who starts running and then gets viscously tackled from behind.)
 All: Oh!
 Rachel: Oh, well maybe there was a dog lookin' at him.
 (Ross turns and wants to attack Rachel, but Joey stops him.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: The park, everyone is warming up for the rugby game. Only Joey and Phoebe came
 to support Ross.]
 Joey: Ross-Ross-Ross-Ross! Stay away from that guy (Points), and that guy
 (Points). And that one Dude! They're all huge!
 Ross: They don't look any bigger than me!
 Joey: Well, maybe that's because you're closer to you. So you look
 bigger to you from where you are.
 Emily: I'm just going to say hi to the lads. All right?
 Ross: All right.
 Emily: Okay. (Goes to say hi to the lads.)
 (A player comes over and picks up a ball in front of Phoebe.)
 Phoebe: (to the player) Hi.
 (The player stands up and smiles. Showing that he has no front teeth.)
 Phoebe: Whoa! (The player leaves and to Joey) I kinda liked it.
 (The referee blows the whistle and the players gather to start the game.)
 Ross: Okay, I know what I have to do. I've got to go Red Ross. (Joey and
 Phoebe don't know what he's talking about.) Y'know, Red Ross!
 Joey: I totally don't know what you're talking about.
 Ross: Come on! The time we were all waiting in line for Dances With Wolves and
 that one guy cut in line in front of us and I just lost it?! Screamed at him! Turned all
 red! Red Ross!!
 Joey: No.
 Ross: You'll see.
 [Cut to Emily, Devon, and Liam]
 Emily: Liam, do me a favour. Tell the lads to go easy on Ross, it's his
 first time.
 Liam: You don't say! (We see Ross who is hopping about with the ball and
 spikes it in his face.)
 Emily: (to Ross) Good luck, babe.
 (The scrum forms and the game is underway.)
 Liam: Ross! Ross! Come on! Get in here! (Ross gets pumped up.) Ross! Come on!
 (Ross walks over to the scrum, walks around a bit looking for a way to get into the
 scrum.)
 Liam: Ross, come on! Get in the bloody scrum! Ross, get in!
 (Ross, urged on by his team-mates, jumps on top of the scrum and falls headfirst into
 the middle, leaving his feet sticking straight up.)
 Ross: JOEY!!!!!!
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica is going over some
 plans as Rachel enters.]
 Rachel: You are not going to believe it! Joshua came into work today,
 and guess what happened?
 Monica: He asked you out?!
 Rachel: No. But I was showing him some cufflinks and I felt his pulse.
 Monica: Saucy!
 Rachel: (refers to the table) What are these?
 Monica: Electrical plans for the building.
 Rachel: Okay, okay, okay should I be scared?
 Monica: I know that switch does something, okay? So-so I went down to city hall
 and got these. All I had to do was pay $25 and wait in line for three hours.
 Rachel: Wow! If only more people knew.
 [Scene: The airport, the Yemen Express counter, Chandler is still trying to get rid of
 Janice.]
 Chandler: Y'know you, really didn't have to take me to the airport.
 Janice: Oh please. Every moment is precious. Y'know? Besides, somebody had
 to ride in that other taxi with the rest of your luggage, and your friends don't
 really seem to care too much that you're leaving.
 Chandler: Well, we're really not that close. (Pause) Okay, so I guess this
 is uh, good-bye then.
 Janice: On no! No! It's not good-bye, I'm not leaving until you get on
 that plane.
 Chandler: Okay. Then I guess it's just, wait here then. (Hands her the sign
 that says, Wait Here.') (To the ticket agent) Hi. I need one fake ticket to Yemen.
 Ticket Counter Attendant: One ticket to Yemen?
 Chandler: Oh no-no-no, no. No, no, no, I just, I just need a pretend ticket.
 Ticket Counter Attendant: I'm sorry sir, I don't understand.


Chandler: What would you give to a kid if he wanted a ticket to play with?
 Ticket Counter Attendant: Are you travelling with a child?
 Chandler: No. All right, y'know what, she's (Points to Janice) gonna
 think that I'm handing you a credit card, but what I'm really gonna do is hand
 you a library card.
 Ticket Counter Attendant: Ah, sir a ticket to Yemen is $2,100 and we don't
 take library cards.
 Janice: What's the matter? Is something wrong? Do you have to stay?
 Chandler: (to the ticket agent) American Express?
 [Scene: The rugby game, Ross is getting killed.]
 Emily: I can't believe they're doing that to him! I told them to go
 easy on him!
 Phoebe: No offence but, y'know sometimes it's hard to understand you,
 y'know with the accent, so
 (The whistle blows.)
 Emily: That's just halftime, there's more of this.
 (Ross limps over all covered in mud.)
 Ross: Did you see me? I was pretty good, huh? That is one fun game!
 Emily: Right.
 Ross: (to Emily) Hey, could you do me a favour? Could you just grab me a bottle
 of water?
 Emily: Okay.
 Ross: Thanks. (When she's gone he collapses into Joey.) I-I think I'm
 dying. I really do.
 Phoebe: Oh, poor baby.
 Ross: (to Phoebe) Tell my son that I love him. (Emily returns with the water.)
 Excellent! Well, okay, I gotta have some more fun!
 Emily: Ross, they are killing you out there!
 Ross: (whines 'No.') That's not true!
 Phoebe: She's right! You have to stop!
 Ross: What? No! No, I'm not stopping. I'm Red Ross!
 Joey: Dude, if you go back out there, you're gonna be Dead Ross!
 Ross: I don't care! I am not quitting! I insist on finishing this game!
 Emily: All right, all right, if you insist on doing this, at least let me help
 you.
 Ross: No, God no! That is no place for a woman. Those guys will grab anything.
 Emily: No. That's not what I'm saying. I just may know a few things
 that might help you inflict some pain.
 Ross: I like that.
 Emily: Yeah? Listen closely, Devon has got a weak ankle.
 Ross: Huh?
 Emily: One swift kick and he'll back off.
 Ross: All right, bad ankle, got it!
 Emily: And that big bloke with the beard, he has got a trick hip. Yeah. And uh,
 and David over there, I heard he doesn't wear a cup.
 Ross: Yeah? I can use that, trick hip, no cup, okay! Okay!
 Emily: And uh, Liam, Liam's got bad knees. You hit him right and he'll
 go down like a lamp.
 Ross: But-but, Liam's on my team.
 Emily: I don't care! You just get him!
 Ross: I'm gonna go get him! Okay, I am going back in! (Squeals like a
 madman.)
 Joey: The Red Ross! Okay.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica is reading a book as
 Rachel returns.]
 Rachel: Hey!
 Monica: Hi!
 Rachel: (noticing a bunch of pictures around the door that weren't there
 originally.) What-what are-what are these?
 Monica: Oh, just some pictures I made and hung up. I thought they'd
 brighten up the place. They do don't you think?
 (Rachel rips one of the wall and finds a huge hole underneath.)
 Monica: No-no-no, no!
 (Rachel rips off another one, revealing another hole. Rachel then moves onto a third
 one, but this one doesn't have a hole underneath it.)
 Monica: I know that there's no hole there, I just really liked that
 picture.
 (Rachel looks at it and then throws it away. She then removes a fourth one, revealing a
 third hole.)
 Rachel: Oh my God! Look at this!
 Monica: Okay, but there is a wire back there! I mean that switch is
 connected to something!
 Rachel: I don't care! The wires have come loose in your head!
 Monica: I just thought that if I could follow the wire I could find out what it
 did.
 Rachel: And did you?!
 Monica: No. It disappears back there behind that baseboard. For a minute there,
 I thought it went downstairs.
 (Rachel removes a paper on the floor which is covering a hole and gasps.)
 Monica: But it didn't. Say hello to Mrs. Chatracus.
 Rachel: Oh my God.
 Mrs. Chatracus: Hello darling.
 Rachel: Hello, Mrs. Chatracus.
 [Scene: Central Perk, They are returning from the rugby game, Joey and Emily are
 carrying Ross.]
 Phoebe: Now, are you sure you don't want to go see a doctor?
 Ross: Oh no! That-that'll just bring me down! This was great! I mean I-I-I
 was great! This is a great day! Y'know what? I'm buying everyone coffee. All
 right? If someone would just grab my wallet, it's in my pocket.
 Joey: Yeah, sure.
 Ross: No, not you. (Emily gets it.)
 Joey: Uhh, look, your eye's still popping out a little, I'm gonna go
 get some ice.


 The One With The Fake Party
 The One With The Fake Party
 Teleplay by Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Scott Silveri
 Story by Alicia Sky Varinaitis
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are
 there. Phoebe is stressing out about something.]
 Monica: What is it hon?
 Phoebe: I-I can't find anything that I want to eat! Everything I eat makes
 me nauseous! I'm telling you, being pregnant is no piece of cake ooh! Cake!
 (Chandler shrugs, and Phoebe grimaces.) No.
 Monica: Aww, honey I'm sorry.
 Phoebe: God! Ooh! What is that smell? It's coming from the bathroom. Ooh!
 (She goes to the bathroom.)
 Chandler: Wow! Pregnancy does give you some weird cravings.
 [Cut to the bathroom, Joey is taking a shower and Phoebe knocks on the door.]
 Joey: Yeah?
 Phoebe: It's me. It's Phoebe. Listen there's something in here I
 want to eat, what-what smells so good?
 (Joey sticks his head out of the shower curtain.)
 Joey: Is it the shampoo? It's guava.
 Phoebe: (she smells his head) No!
 Joey: Oh! Wait-wait! (Reaches inside the shower.) Is it my bologna sandwich?
 Phoebe: Yes. Yes. Yes. I can't believe it! The baby wants bologna! Maybe he
 wants me to eat meat? I can't eat meat!
 Joey: Oh, wait-wait! (Reaches into the shower again.) Maybe it's a pickle?!
 (Phoebe grimaces at the smell.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, Joey and Rachel are there. Rachel is writing
 something on a pad, and then crumples it up and throws it on the floor.]
 Chandler: What are you writing?
 Rachel: Well, Joshua's coming in tomorrow and since I don't have the
 guts to ask him out, I'm going to sell him a coat and put this note in the pocket.
 Chandler: Oh yeah? (He grabs the pad and starts reading it.) Joshua, give me a
 call sometime, guys like you (Pause) never go out of style what did you throw away?
 (Ross and Emily enter.)
 Chandler: Hi guys!
 All: Hey!
 Joey: Hey, what have you guys been up too?
 Ross: Oh, we went to see a collection of Victorian doorknobs and the
 Cupert-Hewitt museum.
 Chandler: Without me?!
 Emily: My uncle dragged us there. But, it actually it turned out to be really
 interesting.
 Ross: Yeah.
 Emily: They were so ornate and beautiful, I mean look at that! (Shows them a
 doorknob she has.)
 Monica: I don't know how museums work in England but, here, you're not
 supposed to take stuff.
 Emily: I uh, I got it from the gift shop. They have really lax security there.
 (Chandler is shocked.) It's a joke. (They all laugh.)
 Ross: Bye. (They kiss.)
 Emily: Right, I've got to be off, I'll see ya. Buh-bye then. (She
 leaves.)
 Joey: Wow! You guys seem to be having a good time.
 Ross: Oh yeah, she's-she's amazing. And-and she's so much fun.
 And! Y'know what? When I'm with her, I'm fun! I even signed up for
 helicopter classes. (Chandler is shocked.) She's leaving in two days, I don't
 have to do it.
 Monica: Oh no, two days, you must be bummed.
 Ross: Yeah, she's got to go back to London. But you know what? I've
 been prepared for this from the start. We both knew we had two weeks together, and
 that's it. Y'know.
 Joey: Hey that's what all my relationships are like.
 Chandler: Yes, but in Ross's case, they both know in two weeks
 that's it.
 (Phoebe enters.)
 Ross: Pheebs!
 All: Hey!
 Ross: (starts rubbing her belly) Hello! Hello!
 Phoebe: (angered by the rubbing) Yes! I know! I know! Yeah! So the baby is
 totally craving meat. This afternoon I tried tricking it, I made it a soy-burger to make
 it think it was getting meat, y'know? And I got nauseous.
 Chandler: Maybe that's because soy-burgers suck!
 Phoebe: Being pregnant is tough on your tummy.
 Joey: Hey, but at least you got that cool, pregnant lady glow.
 Phoebe: That's sweat. You throw up all morning, you'll have that glow
 too.
 [Scene: Bloomingdale's, Rachel is preparing to slip Joshua the note.]
 Joshua: (coming in from a changing room) Okay!
 Rachel: Oh, here's that trench-coat that you wanted.
 Joshua: Oh great! (He tries on the coat.) Wow! Yeah, it's comfortable.
 Rachel: Yeah?
 Joshua: Man, I could really flash somebody in this thing. (He goes to put his
 hands in his pockets.)
 Rachel: (stopping him) Oh no-no, no-no, they don't want you to put your
 hands in the pockets until you are out of the store.
 Joshua: Why not?!
 Rachel: Well, that's because of a lot of (She imitates someone picking
 their nose and placing the treasure found in the pockets.)
 Joshua: Y'know, they ruin it for everybody.
 Rachel: I know!
 Joshua: Y'know, I wore that cashmere sweater on a date last night.
 Rachel: Oh?
 Joshua: Yeah, it was my first date since the uh, since the divorce.


Rachel: Well, congratulations, so do you love her?
 Joshua: No, no, no, she's nice but, y'know, it just it made me realize
 that I'm just not, I'm just not ready to be dating, y'know?
 Rachel: Huh. Well, uh, that's uh, that's interesting. (She goes over
 and retrieves her note.)
 Joshua: (noticing her) Hey-whoa-hey-hey, what was that?
 Rachel: Oh, it's just an anti-theft device.
 Joshua: Then uh, what's-what's this? (Shows her the real anti-theft
 device.)
 Rachel: You need that, you need that too  cause obviously, a thief could
 just tear this up. (Rips up the note.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross is writing on the Magna-Doodle
 as Rachel enters.]
 Rachel: Oops, sorry. Listen, we-we have to have a party tonight! Actually, we
 have to have one in five minutes, so everybody cancel your plans.
 Chandler: What are you talking about?
 Joey: Yeah, what' going on?
 Rachel: We have to have a surprise Bon Voyage party for Emily. But it's
 actually for Joshua. (Starts handing out party hats.) Look, he said he's not ready to
 date, so I had to invite him to a party if I wanted to see him outside of work, and now I
 have the perfect opportunity to seduce him! (Hands Ross a party hat.)
 Ross: Well, as much as I'd like to meet Josh and warn him, Emily and I
 aren't going to be here. All right? I mean, she's going to come by first to say
 good-bye, and then I've got a whole special evening planned. So I'm sorry, no
 party.
 Joey: Awwww!
 Emily: (entering) Hello?
 Rachel: Surprise!!!
 Chandler and Joey: Surprise!!
 Emily: No one's ever thrown me a surprise party before!
 Rachel: Well, it was all Ross's idea.
 Emily: You're so sweet! And I'm so surprised!
 Ross: You really didn't know?
 [Cut to later, the party is in full swing. Rachel is in the kitchen and Chandler goes
 over to talk to her.]
 Chandler: Why are you in here if Joshua is all the way over there? (Points to
 the living room.)
 Rachel: Uhh, because I'm trying to play hard to get. Oh, quick he's
 looking over here, say something funny.
 Chandler: Like what?
 (Rachel laughs hysterically.)
 Joey: What-what-what is so funny?
 Chandler: I said, 'Like what?'
 Joey: Now that's a thinker.
 Rachel: Okay, y'know what, y'know what? This playing hard to get thing
 is not working. Umm, hand-hand me those cherries. (Chandler does so.) Okay. Okay. (She
 does a little sexy walk over to where Joshua is standing.) Hi!
 Joshua: Hi!
 Rachel: Care for a cherry?
 Joshua: Oh, no thanks.
 Rachel: No? Y'know, I can tie one of these into a knot using just my
 tongue.
 (She tries to demonstrate this unique ability, but only succeeds in choking on it.)
 Joshua: You okay? (Rachel swallowed it whole and is not hacking like a heavy
 smoker in the morning.) You all right? (Rachel walks away, coughing.)
 Ross: (interrupting Monica and Emily) So we should probably get going soon.
 Emily: Oh, but the party's only just getting started!
 Ross: Yeah, but we-we have to be at the Four Seasons for drinks in 15
 minutes and then y'know, then The Plaza for dinner.
 Emily: So why did you plan a party at the same time?
 Ross: No-no-no, no, umm, actually American surprise parties are-are-are very
 short. It's usually, 'Surprise!' And then, 'Oh my God, I'm so
 surprised good-bye!'
 Emily: But Ross, I'm such having a great time! Your sister has just been
 telling me that you used to dress up like little, old ladies and hold make-believe tea
 parties.
 Ross: Monica said that did she? (He squeezes Monica's knee really hardly
 and Monica winces in pain.)
 [Cut to Joey and Phoebe in the kitchen. Phoebe is watching Joey make a sandwich.]
 Phoebe: Ooh, yeah. Then what are you going to put on top of that?
 Joey: A little salami.
 Phoebe: Ooh yeah! Then umm, what goes on top of the salami?
 Joey: Pastrami.
 Phoebe: Oooh, yeah. You're a genius.
 (Rachel enters, she has changed clothes.)
 Rachel: Oh, could somebody give me a hand with this zipper?
 Joey: Yeah. (He goes over to her.)
 Rachel: Up!
 Monica: You changed?
 Rachel: Yeah, I did. I needed my lucky dress.
 Monica: And lucky means, more cleavage?
 Chandler: Does for me.
 (Joey starts wiping lint off of her back, but goes at little too far and Rachel just
 glares at him. He stops, gives her the  okay' symbol and walks away.)
 Rachel: Ohh, God! Look at him, he's so cute. I wanna go over there, grab
 him, and kiss him! How can I kiss him and not letting him know that I like him?
 Joey: Oh! I know how you can get him, take off your bra.
 Rachel: What?
 Joey: There was a seen in Footloose...
 Chandler: Flashdance.
 Joey: Yeah-yeah, yeah, with that-that uh, plumber girl


Chandler: She was a welder.
 Joey: What? Were you like in the movie, or  Anyway, she takes off
 her bra under her shirt and pulls it out the sleeve. Very sexy, and classy.
 Monica: Or if you want to kiss him, umm, you could use mistletoe.
 Rachel: It's not Christmas!
 Monica: Or Spin the Bottle?
 Rachel: He's not 11!
 Emily: (with her coat on, she's leaving with Ross) Thank you so much for
 this. It was really so thoughtful of you.
 Rachel: What? You're leaving?!
 Ross: Yes, we have something we have to get to.
 Joshua: Uhh, yeah, I think I'm going to take-off too.
 Rachel: No! You guys can't leave yet! You have to stay, we-we got the whole
 big thing planned!
 Ross: What big thing?
 [Cut to later, the whole group is seated on the floor and Rachel is explaining the
 rules of Spin the Bottle.]
 Rachel: (spinning the bottle) So, Spin the Bottle works like this: I spin the
 bottle, it lands on Gunther, so I would have to kiss Gunther. (She crawls over to where
 Gunther is sitting and sees the look of anticipation on Gunther's face and decides
 not to kiss him.) All right. Who wants to go first?
 Emily: I'll go.
 All: Yay!
 (Emily spins the bottle and it lands on Joey.)
 Joey: Welcome to America. (They both kiss.)
 (Joey spins the bottle and it lands on Emily.)
 Monica: Two in a row! You've got to use your tongues now! (They kiss
 again.)
 Rachel: Yay! Emily!
 (Emily spins the bottle and once again, it lands on Joey.)
 Chandler: What are the odds? What are the odds?
 (They both move to kiss again.)
 Ross: (stopping them) Okay, that-that's enough! Y'know, let's,
 let's let someone else play.
 Joey: If you didn't want to play, why did you come to the party?
 Rachel: Okay, my turn!!
 (Rachel spins the bottle and it lands on .wait for it .Joshua. (You thought I
 was going to say Ross, didn't you?) Rachel squeals in delight and starts a slow sexy
 crawl over to Joshua, making sure he and everyone else watching gets a good look at her
 cleavage.)
 Phoebe: Oh my God!! The baby just kicked!
 All: Ohh!
 Rachel: It's okay! It's okay! It kicked once, it'll kick again!
 All: Oh my God!
 (They all stand up and go over to Phoebe to feel the baby, preventing Rachel from
 kissing Joshua.)
 Rachel: All right, well, everybody just remember where they were sitting.
 (She crawls over to Joshua and kisses the back of his knee. He feels it and looks down,
 Rachel pretends she's knocking a bug off his leg.)
 Rachel: Just a bug.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, it is later in the party. The
 Spin the Bottle game is over and Chandler is making a sandwich as Phoebe watches.]
 Phoebe: Y'know it doesn't matter how much I'm craving it.
 Y'know why I'm never gonna eat meat? Because it's murder, cold blooded
 murder.
 Chandler: Okay.
 (He takes a bite out of the sandwich and as he does so, Phoebe attacks the other end
 and starts devouring the sandwich.)
 Chandler: There's a Phoebe on my sandwich! (He walks away, giving the
 sandwich to Phoebe.)
 Joey: Phoebe, what-what are you doing?!
 Phoebe: I can't help it. I need the meat. The baby needs the meat.
 Joey: All right look, y'know how-y'know how when you're dating
 someone and you don't want to cheat on them, unless it's with someone really
 hot?
 Phoebe: Yeah, totally!
 Joey: All right. Okay. Well this is the same kind of deal. If you're going
 to do something wrong, (He grabs two steaks from the freezer) do it right!
 [Cut to later, Phoebe is finishing off her steak.]
 Joey: Feel better now?
 Phoebe: Yeah, but at what cost? Six more months, three meals a day, I'm
 gonna eat like, y'know millions of cows.
 Joey: Hey, what if I said, I could even things out for ya, meatwise.
 Phoebe: What?
 Joey: Well, I eat a lot of meat right?
 Phoebe: Yeah.
 Joey: Well, suppose until the baby's born I laid off it. No extra animals
 would die, you-you'd just be eating my animals.
 Phoebe: Joey, I can't believe you would do that for me.
 Joey: Absolutely! I could be a vegetarian. There's no meat in beer, right?
 [Cut to Ross and Emily standing by the foosball table.]
 Ross: Okay, we could still make dinner if we skipped the appetisers and asked
 for our check right away.
 (Rachel enters, she has changed once again. This time into her high school cheerleading
 uniform.)
 Emily: But, we can't go now. It looks like Rachel's gonna put on a
 skit.
 Monica: Oh my God! Have you lost your mind?
 Rachel: No-n-n-n-no! I am finally thinking clearly. My lucky dress
 wasn't working out to well for me, but for four years, this baby never missed.


Monica: Rachel-Rachel-Rachel I-I cannot, I can't let (pause), actually
 I kinda want to see what happens.
 Joshua: Hey!
 Rachel: Hi!
 Joshua: Nice uh, costume.
 Rachel: Ohh, yeah, well I wanted to give Emily a big American good-bye
 cheer. So okay! (Runs into the living room) Ready! Okay! Gimme an  E!'
 All: E!
 Rachel: Gimme an  M!'
 All: M!
 Rachel: Gimme an  I!'
 All: I!
 Rachel: Gimme an  L!'
 All: L!
 Rachel: Gimme a  Y!'
 All: Y!
 Rachel: What do you get? (She throws her pom-poms to Joey and Phoebe and
 performs a cartwheel.) Emily!! (Tries to do another one.) Emil Whoa!! (She falls in
 Chandler's room.) Okay! So that's me as a cheerleader! Ta-dum! (Gunther's
 the only one that claps.)
 (Joey and Monica rush over to her.)
 Joey and Monica: Are you all right?
 Rachel: I'm fine! I'm fine! I'm just losing a tooth, it's no
 big deal. I have a dentist! Y'know. I'm gonna go put some ice on it. Excuse me.
 (She goes over to the ice and Joey and Monica follow her.) What do I do now? What do I do
 now?
 Monica: I think you're done.
 Joey: Okay, time to take off the bra. (She glares at him.)
 Joshua: Umm, that was really great, but I-I gotta take-off actually.
 Joey: (trying not to be obvious) Take the bra off.
 Rachel: All right, come on, let's go get your coat.
 Joshua: Okay.
 (They both go to Chandler's bedroom to get his coat.)
 [Cut to Gunther and Emily.]
 Gunther: Rachel is my girlfriend.
 [Cut to Chandler's bedroom.]
 Joshua: So, this was uh, really fun.
 Rachel: Oh, yeah! Real fun. (She makes a decision.) Y'know, this bra
 Really, bothers me. (She starts taking off her bra.) Y'know, this used to be my
 bedroom. Yeah. A lot of memories in here, a lot of memories. If these walls could
 talk, y'know what they'd say? Wanna hear some memories? (She is now violently
 pulling on her bra in order to remove it, but it isn't co-operating.)
 Joshua: Need uh, need a little hand there.
 Rachel: Oh no-no-no! No, I got this all under control.
 Joshua: You really don't seem like you do. That's
 (She is still yanking on the bra, but it is stuck in her sleeve. Finally, she gives
 up.)
 Rachel: Ughhhh!! Forget it! (Sits down heavily on the bed.) This is, this is not
 how this is supposed to happen.
 Joshua: Well, what was supposed to happen?
 Rachel: Can you not look at me when I say this? (He turns around) I thought that
 if I could get you here, I could seduce you.
 Joshua: Huh. Oh, boy! (Sits down next to her.) Uhh, I-I don't wear suits to
 work, and I bought six of them from you.
 Rachel: Well, I'm sorry, I thought you needed them!
 Joshua: No, no-no, no-no, my point is that I kept coming back because, I wanted
 to see you.
 Rachel: Why?!
 Joshua: Because I-I like you.
 Rachel: You like me?
 Joshua: Yeah! I mean you're-you're beautiful and smart and
 sophisticated a lot of this isn't based on tonight.
 Rachel: Yeah but-but-but you liked me! Oh my God, I can't believe this, all
 this time, I liked you and you liked me!
 Joshua: But
 Rachel: Oh no-no-no don't say but! No-no, but's never good! Let's
 just leave it at, you like me and I like you.
 Joshua: Okay uh, however
 Rachel: Oh, now see that's a fancy but.
 Joshua: My marriage like just ended, and I'm really not ready to get
 into anything yet.
 Rachel: But .
 Joshua: I'm sorry, I, I just need a little time.
 Rachel: Okay.
 [Scene: The hallway, Ross is sitting on the step drinking a beer as Rachel comes out of
 the guys apartment.]
 Rachel: Ohh, here you are. I was looking for you before. Joshua's gone so
 you and Emily are free to go.
 Ross: That's okay. She's still in there enjoying her fake party and
 uh, it's too late to do any of the things I had planned, so
 Rachel: Oh, Ross, I'm sorry. I completely ruined your evening.
 Ross: Yeah.
 Rachel: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I made a fool out of myself.
 Ross: Helps a little.
 Rachel: Is there room on that step for a pathetic loser?
 Ross: Yeah, have a seat.
 Rachel: I'm so sorry.
 Ross: That's okay, I mean it was just two-week thing anyway, I just
 didn't want it to end this way, y'know?
 Rachel: Well, maybe you didn't want it to end?
 Ross: What do you mean?
 Rachel: You seem to really like her.
 Ross: Yeah, I really do. Yeah, but what am I gonna do, I mean we-we both agreed
 that it was gonna be a two-week thing, y'know no commitment.
 Rachel: Ross, that girl just spent the entire evening talking to your friends,
 asking to hear stories about you, looking through Monica's photo albums, I mean you
 don't do that if you're just in it for two weeks.


 The One With The Free Porn
 The One With The Free Porn
 Story by Mark J. Kunerth
 Teleplay by Richard Goodman
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching TV, and we
 hear Mr. Treeger in the bathroom.]
 Mr. Treeger: Ohhh, man!!
 Joey: (coming in from his bedroom) What is that?
 Chandler: Treeger's snaking the shower drain.
 Mr. Treeger: What in the name of hell?
 Joey: Maybe he found you flip-flop.
 (Joey sits down and changes the channel, and we see two people making out.)
 Chandler: Hey!
 Joey: Whoa! Is this porn? What did I do? I must've hit something on the
 remote.
 Chandler: Do we pay for this?
 Joey: No, we didn't even pay our cable bill maybe this is how they
 punish us.
 Chandler: Maybe we shouldn't pay our phone bill free phone sex.
 Joey: Maybe we shouldn't pay our gas bill? (Stops and thinks about what he
 just said.)
 Mr. Treeger: (coming in from the bathroom) Whoa, hey, that lady's all kinds
 of naked.
 Chandler: Yeah, Joey just pressed something on the remote and it just, came on!
 Mr. Treeger: Yeah, it happened to me once. I was just flipping through the
 channels and bam! It was like finding money.
 Chandler: Like finding money with naked people on it!
 Mr. Treeger: Then I made the mistake of turning off the TV, I never got it back
 again. And I'm sad. (Exits.)
 Joey: (to Chandler) Why would he turn off the TV? (Chandler shrugs.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, later that morning. The porn is
 still on, there are three women getting ready to shave the chest of some guy. Joey and
 Chandler are wondering why that guy is letting them shave his chest, and Monica and Rachel
 are eating breakfast at the foosball table.]
 Rachel: All right, y'know what, come on, do we really have to watch this
 while we eat? (She makes a move for the remote.)
 Joey and Chandler: (stopping her) Oh no-no-no-no!
 Chandler: We don't know what could make this go away.
 Joey: Yeah, so no one touches the remote. And no one touches the TV!
 Chandler: And no one touches the air around the TV!
 Joey: Imagine a protective porn bubble if you will, okay?
 Monica: Well at least, I'm going to mute it.
 Joey and Chandler: Oh no-no-no! (Monica mutes the TV and they tentatively look
 behind them)
 Chandler: We still have porn.
 Joey: Hey.
 Phoebe: (entering, carrying her massage table) Hi!
 Monica: Hi!
 Rachel: Honey, what are you doing? That's too heavy.
 Phoebe: Yeah.
 Rachel: Give it here. (She takes the table.) Oh, God. (And gives it to Monica
 right away.)
 Monica: Okay.
 Phoebe: Ohh, I'm getting too pregnant for this, lugging around a stupid
 massage table. Y'know, I have to find a job where I carrying a smaller table. (She
 goes over and stands in front of the TV.)
 Chandler: Or a job where you don't have to carry a table.
 Phoebe: You mean like a doctor?
 Joey: Pheebs! You're blocking the porn! Look out!
 Phoebe: Ohh! (She moves.) Oh my. Oh, that reminds me, I have to see my OB-GYN
 today.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.]
 Ross: Hi.
 Monica: Hi.
 Ross: So uh, Emily just went to the airport.
 Monica: Oh. Why didn't you take her?
 Ross: Eh, her-her uncle already had planned on doing it. And y'know, we-we
 said our good-byes this morning, so
 Monica: You must feel horrible. Hey! The guys have free porn!
 Ross: (Thinks about it.) Nah.
 Monica: Hey, cheer up! You're gonna see her again, right?
 Ross: Well I, that's the thing, I don't know! I mean, whenever I
 brought it up with her she said, (In a British accent.) 'This is so fantastic! Why do
 we have to talk about the future? Let's just enjoy '
 Monica: (interrupting him) No-no-no, don't-don't do the accent.
 You've got to see her again.
 Ross: And why do you care so much?
 Monica: Because! You could get to live out my fantasy!
 Ross: You had fantasies about Emily?
 Monica: No! Y'know, the fantasy! Meet someone from a strange land,
 fall in madly love, and spend the rest of your lives together.
 Ross: Is that why in junior high you were the only one that hung out with that
 Ukrainian kid?
 Monica: Yeah that, plus his mom used to put sour cream on everything!
 Ross: Ahh.
 Monica: Do you love her?
 Ross: We said it was only going to be two weeks, y'know?
 Monica: You love her!
 Ross: What-what is love really?
 Monica: Ohhh, I knew you loved her! Then you need to go to the airport
 and tell her. You're probably just gonna catch her just as she's about to go to
 the gate. You're gonna call out her name and say, 'I love you!' And
 she's gonna say, 'I love you, too!' And you guys are going to have the most
 amazing kiss, everyone at the gate will applaud.


Ross: I am a good kisser.
 Monica: Then you two can, can sneak into the cockpit, and things will start to
 heat up, and then a stewardess comes in  (Ross looks at her.) I've been watching
 too much porn.
 [Scene: Beth Israel Medical Center, Phoebe is at her OB-GYN doing an ultrasound, Rachel
 is with her. We here the baby's heartbeat.]
 Rachel: Is that the heartbeat?
 The Doctor: That's it.
 Phoebe: Oh my God!
 Rachel: Oh wow! This is so cool.
 (The heartbeat changes, and we hear a different one.)
 The Doctor: Have we talked about the possibility of multiple births?
 Phoebe: Why don't take care of this one, and should I get pregnant again,
 I'll hold onto your card, okay?
 The Doctor: No, I'm getting three separate heartbeats.
 Phoebe: Three? You guys were worried I wouldn't even have one!
 The Doctor: Doctors are wrong all the time.
 Phoebe: Well, yeah.
 Rachel: Well, so, are-are you sure that there are three?!
 The Doctor: Definitely. (Points out each head on the ultrasound.)
 Phoebe: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!! So I-I mean so in a few months
 I'm going to have three full grown babies just walkin' around inside me?! Oh!
 Oh! And it's gonna be one of those log rides where they just come shooting out!
 The Doctor: Actually, giving birth to three babies isn't that different
 from giving birth to one.
 Phoebe: What do you know?!
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there, waiting to tell Frank and Alice the news.]
 Alice: (entering) Oh-oh, Phoebe!
 Phoebe: Ooh! Hi!
 Alice: Hi! (She runs over and hugs Phoebe's stomach.) So, how did it go at
 the doctors?
 Phoebe: Oh well, okay, hey, y'know how when you're umm, you're
 walking down the street and you see three people in a row, and you say, 'Oh,
 that's nice?'
 Frank: Yes.
 Phoebe: Okay, yeah well, good news, you're going to have three babies.
 Alice: Three babies?
 Frank: I finally got my band!
 Alice: We're gonna have a big family, I've always wanted a big family!
 Phoebe: Oh God, I'm so glad you guys are happy, I was so afraid you were
 going to be all freaked.
 Frank: Why would we be freaked?
 Phoebe: No, no maybe  cause it's harder to raise them, and the added
 expense, and
 Frank: (They're less than happy now) Oh.
 Alice: Right.
 Phoebe: No, back to happy. Back to happy!
 Alice: No-no-no, no, it's going to be fine. Because umm, because I teach
 Home Ec, and uh, I can have 30 kids making baby clothes all year long. Y'know
 it'll-it'll be like my very own little sweatshop.
 Frank: Yeah, I've been thinking ever since you said we were having
 triplets, the best thing for me to do is to drop out of college and get a job.
 Alice: No, Frank.
 Phoebe: No you can't quit college! No! You're in college? Really?
 Frank: Yeah, refrigerator college.
 Alice: Yeah.
 Frank: Yeah, y'know when we found out we were going to have a baby,
 y'know I figured y'know like I should y'know have like a career and I
 love refrigerators!
 Phoebe: You can't give up on your dream.
 Frank: No, it's okay. We're-we're gonna have three kids! And
 that's-that's a different kind of dream. Three kids and no money.
 [Scene: The airport, Emily is getting ready to board her flight to London.]
 Ticket Agent: (On the P.A.) This is the boarding call for Flight 009.
 Ross: Emily! (Runs up.)
 Emily: Oh my God! What are you doing here? (They hug)
 Ross: I just, I had to see you one more time before you took-off.
 Emily: You are so sweet. (They kiss.)
 Ross: That's, that's, that's a big candy bar. (She's holding
 one of those huge Toblerone bars.) I had the most amazing time with you.
 Emily: Me too.
 Ticket Agent: This is the final boarding call for Flight 009.
 Emily: Well, that' me. (They kiss again.) Here, have this. (She gives him
 the candy bar.) I'm only allowed one piece of carryon anyway. (She starts towards the
 jetway.)
 Ross: (stops her) Wait uh, listen. I-I, I have to tell you something. Umm,
 I've been thinking, I'm just gonna come out and say it. Okay? I-I-I ah, I-I
 think I love you.
 Emily: Oh. (She's shocked and hugs him.) Thank you. (She boards the plane.)
 Ross: That's no problem.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Rachel is singing some kind of
 song.]
 Rachel: What's that song? It has been in my head all day long.
 Chandler: It's the theme from Good Will Humping.
 Rachel: Y'know who doesn't even like dirty movies? My new boyfriend
 Joshua.
 Joey: Yeah right.
 Rachel: No, he told me. He prefers to leave certain things to the imagination.
 Chandler: Oh-oh, yeah, and did he also say that ah, some of the dialogue was
 corny and that he actually found it was funny and not sexy?


Rachel: Yes!
 Joey: Yeah, he likes porn.
 (Rachel starts to leave.)
 Monica: Where ya going?
 Rachel: I'm going to find out if he really thinks supermodels are too
 skinny. (As she exits, Phoebe enters.) Hey, Pheebs!
 Phoebe: Hey.
 Joey: Hey!
 Monica: How did it go with Frank and Alice?
 Phoebe: Well, Frank has to quit college because his super fertile sister is
 having three babies! I need to make a lot of money really fast, and I had an idea that I
 want to talk to you (Points to Chandler) about,  cause you work for a big company.
 Okay, insider trading, what information is there that you can give me.
 Chandler: They don't really talk to us about that kind of stuff. I can get
 you some free white out though.
 (Ross enters.)
 Monica: Ohh! Did you do what I said? Did-did-did you tell her?
 Ross: I did.
 Monica: And well, what did she say?
 Ross: Thank you.
 Monica: Oh, you're totally welcome! What'd she say?
 Ross: She said, 'Thank you.' I said, 'I love you.' And she
 said, 'Thank you.'
 Chandler: Whoa-whoa, wait a minute, did you say, you love her?
 Joey: Yeah, what were you trying to get her to do?!
 Ross: What do I do now?
 Joey: You play hard to get.
 Ross: She already lives in London.
 Joey: Then you go to Tokyo.
 Chandler: All right look, forget it, forget it. You told her you love her,
 it's over.
 Monica: It is not over! You're over!
 Chandler: What?
 Monica: You know!
 Chandler: Okay. (Pause) Good one.
 Monica: It is not over because she is going to call you and tell you she loves
 you. And the reason why she couldn't, is because her feelings were so strong, it
 scared her. Now you go home and wait for her call, she could be calling you from the
 plane! Come on now go! Go! (Tries to push Ross out the door.)
 Ross: Okay! Okay! But if she doesn't call, it is definitely over! No, wait.
 Wait. Unless, eventually, I call her, y'know just to she what's going on, and,
 and she says she'll call me back, but then she doesn't. Then it's
 over.
 (Joey holds his fist up, and Chandler gives him two thumbs up.)
 Joey: Way to be strong, man!
 (Ross leaves, and after the door closes, Joey gives him the loser sign.)
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Joey enter having
 just woken up.]
 Rachel: Hey!
 Chandler: Hi! Listen, can we watch cartoons on your television? We need a porn
 break. We spent the last two hours watching In & Out & In, Again.
 Rachel: Well, so, why don't you just turn it off?
 Chandler: Because then we would be the guys who turned off free porn.
 Phoebe: (entering carrying a case) Ooh, good, you're hear! Okay.
 Monica: Hey!
 Phoebe: Hi!
 Rachel: Well, what-what  cha got there?
 Phoebe: Oh this, well I'm glad you asked. (She opens the case and removes a
 knife and an soda can.) Now, don't you hate it when you have to cut a tin can with an
 ordinary steak knife? (She efficiently cuts it in half.) Ahh! Now, I know what you're
 thinking
 Chandler: Pregnant Woman Slays Four?
 Monica: Phoebe, they didn't make you pay for those knives, did they?
 Phoebe: No!
 Monica: Are you sure?
 Phoebe: No!
 Rachel: Honey, you're not gonna make enough money to help Frank and Alice
 just by selling knives.
 Phoebe: No-no, I know that, but I just have to make enough money for the second
 part of my plan.
 Chandler: What's the second part of your plan?
 Phoebe: My Saturn dealership.
 [Scene: Ross's bedroom, he has fallen asleep waiting for Emily to call. He is
 awaken by the phone.]
 Ross: (Answers the phone.) Hello?
 Emily: Ross.
 Ross: Emily, hi! Uh, how-how was you flight?
 Emily: It was dreadful. I felt terrible about how I acted when you said those
 wonderful things.
 Ross: No, no, that-that, that's all right. Umm, I'm just glad you
 called.
 Emily: Ross umm, there's something that I've got to tell you,
 there's-there's someone else.
 Ross: Does that mean the same thing in England as it does in America?
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross is relating his recent
 conversation with Emily to the gang.]
 Ross: She doesn't know which one of us she wants, me or this Colin guy.
 Monica: This isn't how it's supposed to go, there can't be
 another guy.
 Ross: Well
 Monica: Of course there's another guy!! This is even more perfect! Now you
 have to prove your love!
 Ross: I'm not proving anything. Okay, I'm done listening to you. If I
 hadn't let you talk me into going to the airport in the first place, I never
 would've put my fist through the wall!


Chandler: You put your fist through the wall?
 Ross: No, I missed and hit the door. But, it opened really hard!
 Monica: You have to go to London!
 Ross: What?
 Monica: Yeah, you have to go fight for her!
 Joey: Oh yeah, sure, that makes sense. Yeah.  Cause you already told her
 you love her and she didn't say it back, then she called you and told you that
 there's another guy, so yeah, go to London that'll scare her!
 Monica: When Rachel was with Paulo, what did you do?
 Ross: I made fun of his accent.
 Monica: You sat back and let him have her, you didn't fight at all. Am I
 right? Do you want the same thing to happen with Emily?
 Ross: No.
 Monica: All right then, go fight for her! Go to London! I mean, that could be
 you and Emily! (Points to the TV.) That, but-but nicer. Just, go to London!
 Ross: Really?
 Monica: Come on! Surprise her! Show up at her doorstep! Don't let her go
 without a fight!
 Ross: All right. All right, I'm gonna do it!
 Monica: All right.
 Ross: I'm gonna, I'm gonna go to London and I'm going to fight
 for her.
 Monica: Okay, good luck!
 (Ross starts to leave.)
 Joey: Ross! Ross! If you're going to the airport, could you pick me up
 another one of those Toblerone bars? (Chandler nods his head no.)
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Joey, and Chandler are
 sitting and talking as Phoebe and Rachel enter.]
 Rachel: Hey!
 Phoebe: Ooh-Ooh! I did it! I did it! I figured out a way to make money! I'm
 gonna open up my own massage place and Frank's gonna help me! And! We can work it
 around his schedule so he doesn't have to quit school!
 Monica: That's sounds great, but how are you going to afford it?
 Rachel: Well, we were walking down the street and we saw that van that you guys
 used for catering and we realised
 Phoebe: I'm telling it! I'm telling it!
 Rachel: Okay.
 Phoebe: Okay. You know how people need transportation, but they also need
 massages to help them relax so I just figured we could combine the two, okay, I give the
 massages and Frank drives! I can fix up the van, bolt the table in the back, and you know
 what I've got?
 Chandler: A place where no one will ever get out alive?
 Phoebe: No! Think about it, it's a taxi that people take when they need to
 relax, it's
 Rachel: (interrupting) Relaxi-Taxi!
 Phoebe: The name was my favourite part!
 Rachel: Well, well I can up with it!
 Phoebe: YOU DID NOT!!!! Oh! No! You came up with Relaxi Cab! That's
 not good.
 Rachel: Well, I
 (The phone rings and Monica answers it.)
 Monica: Hello.
 Ross: (on phone) Hey.
 Monica: Oh my God! Ross, are you in England? Was Emily surprised?
 [Cut to Ross in one of those British phone booths.]
 Ross: No, because she hasn't come home yet. And she hasn't been home
 all night! She's obviously staying with that other guy, and I'm the stupid moron
 who spent the whole night outside her apartment!
 Monica: All right. When is, when is the next flight out?
 Ross: About four hours.
 Monica: Okay, just stay there a couple more hours and if she doesn't show
 up by then, then just come on home.
 Phoebe: Hey, tell him about Relaxi-Taxi, and-and ask him if he thinks
 that's better than Relaxi Cab.
 Rachel: Okay, it's not Relaxi Cab. It's Relaxicab, like taxicab.
 Phoebe: Oh, that is better.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, later that same night. There is a
 knock on the door and Chandler answers it to reveal Emily standing behind it.]
 Chandler: Are we in London?
 Monica: What are you doing here? You can't be here!
 Emily: I've uh, I've come to talk to Ross.
 (She sets her bag down on the foosball table and Joey sees the Toblerone bar
 sticking out of it and gazes longingly at it.)
 Emily: What?
 Joey: (pause) Nothing. No, nothing.
 Emily: I was going to call him, but
 Monica: Oh, you came to tell him you love him! I knew it! (Points at Chandler) I
 was right! (Points to Emily) I'm right, right?
 Emily: I'd really rather talk to him.
 Monica: Oh.
 Emily: I uh, I've been to his apartment and he wasn't there, and uh. I
 need to talk to him, so do you have any idea where he is?
 [Cut to London, we sit Ross sitting outside Emily's apartment. We hear
 Emily's phone ring with amazing clarity. Apparently, sound travels quite
 easily through the walls of British buildings. Anyhoo, Ross looks around for the ringing
 phone and in the meantime Emily's answering machine picks up and once again with
 amazing clarity we hear Emily say ]
 Emily: Ross, are you there? Ross, I don't know if you can hear this
 but  (Ross has moved to the window, apparently so that he can hear better.) I'm
 gonna talk anyway, uh, I'm in the States with you sister and your friends and
 it's all over with Colin. I came here to tell you that, and to tell you Yes,
 Joey you can have all the chocolate you want, just take it! Uh, I came here to tell you
 that I love you.


 The One With Rachel's New Dress
 The One With Rachel's New Dress
 Teleplay by: Jill Condon & Amy Toomin
 Story by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Chandler are there as Phoebe enters carrying a drum.]
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Chandler: Hey! Wow, it is true what they say, pregnant bellies look like
 a drum.
 Phoebe: (not amused) Ha-ha. (She sits down on the couch.) No, it's just
 I'm so pregnant that I my guitar doesn't fit anymore. So I thought
  til I'm not, I'm just gonna play all my songs on this drum. It sounds really
 cool!
 Chandler: All right.
 Phoebe: Listen. Listen. (She starts to play and sing.) Smelly cat, smelly
 cat, what are they feeding you?
 Joey: Wow, Pheebs! That sounds great!
 Phoebe: I know! I know, and I've only been playing for like an hour!
 Alice: (entering) Phoebe! Phoebe! Hi! Hi!
 Phoebe: Hey! What are you doing here?
 Alice: Umm, actually, I came down to ask you a big favour.
 Phoebe: Oh, well, don't tell me you want to keep more of your stuff in my
 uterus.
 Alice: (laughs) No. No. No. (Sits down.) Okay, now, see, I wanna name the girl
 baby Leslie, and Frank wants to name one of the boy babies Frank JR. JR.
 Chandler: Wouldn't that be Frank the III?
 Alice: Don't get me started. (To Phoebe) Anyway, umm, since there are three
 babies and umm, we both got to put our names in, we would be truly honoured if you named
 the other boy baby.
 Phoebe: Wow! That's so great! Oh! Oh! Cougar.
 Alice: You think about it. (Leaves)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, he and Emily are getting ready to go to the airport.]
 Emily: I left a bra drying on the shower rod, you don't think your son will
 think it's yours and be horribly traumatised?
 Ross: Hey, if mommy can have a wife, daddy can have a bra.
 Emily: (checks the clock) Ohh, it's time to go.
 Ross: Oh, no-no-no, see, that-that clock's a little fast, uh, we have 17
 minutes. Huh, what can we do in 17 minutes? Twice?
 Emily: Well that's ambitious.
 (They kiss but are interrupted by a knock on the door.)
 Ross: Hey, uh, you can ignore that.
 Emily: That's Carol with your son!
 Ross: Uhh, believe me when he's older, he'll understand.
 Carol: (knocking on the door) Ross!
 Ross: I'll be right there. (He goes over and opens the door to Carol,
 Susan, and Ben.) (To Ben.) Hello! (To Carol.) Hello! (To Susan.) Hey. Uhh, Emily, this is
 Carol and Susan.
 Susan: Hey, it's so nice to finally meet you!
 Emily: Me too!
 Carol: Ohh, y'know, Susan's gonna be shooting a commercial in London
 next week.
 Susan: Oh yeah, I'm so excited, I've never been there.
 Emily: Oh, well, I'll show you around.
 Susan: That would be great! Also, uh, I was hoping to catch a show so if you can
 make any suggestions
 Emily: Oh, there's tonnes of terrific stuff I'll go with you!
 Susan: Ahh!
 (Ross accidentally, on purpose, bumps into Susan.)
 Ross: Look at you two, bonding, making us late for the airport so
 Emily: Are you all right?
 Susan: Oh, he's fine. He's fine. It's just that us getting along
 is difficult for him, because he doesn't like me.
 Ross: Oh come on! That's-that's  true.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are playing
 foosball as Phoebe enters.]
 Phoebe: Hi!
 Joey: Hey!
 Chandler: Hey! Do we have a baby name yet?
 Phoebe: Ugh! No! This is so hard! I went through this whole book (Holds up a
 book) and found nothing! I want a name that's really like, y'know strong and
 confident, y'know? Like-like Exxon.
 Chandler: Well, it certainly worked for that Valdez kid.
 Joey: Ooh-ooh, Pheebs, you want a strong name? How about, The Hulk?
 Phoebe: No, I'm-I'm not sure about Hulk, but I like the idea of a name
 starting with 'The.'
 Joey: Oh, want a good name, go with Joey. Joey's your pal. Joey's your
 buddy. 'Where is everybody?' 'Well, they're hanging out with
 Joey.'
 Chandler: Hey, y'know what, if you're gonna do that, if you're
 gonna name him Joey, you should name him Chandler. (Phoebe doesn't think so.) Oh,
 come on! Chandler's funny, sophisticated, and he's very loveable, once you get
 to know him.
 Joey: Oh well, hey, Joey's loveable too! But the thing about Joey is, if
 you need him, he'll be there.
 Chandler: Well, Chandler will be there for you too. I mean, well, he might be a
 little late, but-but, he'll be there. And he'll bring you some cold soda, if
 want you need him for is that you're really hot.
 Joey: What do ya say? What do ya say?
 Phoebe: Well, I, I like the idea of naming him after someone I love, and Joey
 and Chandler are great names. (They both stare at her.) But, all right, I
 don't maybe I'll just name him The Hulk.


Joey: I knew I shouldn't have mentioned it! That's what I wanted to
 name my kid!
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica is cooking and Rachel is
 getting ready for a date with Joshua.]
 Rachel: Hey, Mon, if you were hoping to sleep with Joshua the first time
 tonight, which one of these would you want to be wearing. (She's holding two frilly,
 lace nighties.)
 Monica: Y'know what? It really creeps me out choosing other
 people's sex clothes.
 Rachel: Sorry. I'm so exited! I've been waiting for this for months! I
 got my hair coloured! I got new sheets! I'm making him a very fancy meal.
 Monica: Um-hmm.
 Rachel: What am I making him by the way?
 Monica: Well, you're making him a frieze salad with goat cheese and pine
 nuts, wild nuts, wild rice, roast asparagus, and salmon au croup.
 Rachel: I thought I was making him filet mignon?
 Monica: Yeah, you were, but you decided to make salmon because you had some left
 over at the restaurant. And then you realised if you (Points at Rachel) bitched about it,
 then you (Points to herself) would stop cooking, and you (Points at Rachel) would have to
 make your famous baked potato and Diet Coke.
 Rachel: Wow, I really get crabby when I cook.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Chandler, and Phoebe are
 there as Ross enters.]
 Ross: Hey!
 Joey: Hey!
 Chandler: Hey!
 Ross: So uh, Emily called last night
 Chandler: And now you're giving me the message!
 Ross: Turns out them Emily is just crazy about Susan. Yeah, they're
 going to the theatre together! They're going to dinner! They're going horseback
 riding!
 Phoebe: God, Susan is so fun!
 Ross: Look, this is just a little too familiar, okay? For like, for like six
 months before Carol and I spilt up, all I heard was: 'My friend Susan is so smart. My
 friend Susan is so funny. My friend Susan is so great.'
 Chandler: You actually think that something can happen between Emily and Susan?
 Ross: Hey, they're going to the gym together! Two women! Stretching!
 Y'know they-they take a steam together! Things get a little playful didn't
 you see Personal Best?
 Joey: No, but I'm gonna!
 Chandler: Hi! Hi! You're crazy! Okay? This is Emily. Emily is straight.
 Ross: How do you know? I mean we thought Carol was straight before I married
 her!
 Phoebe: Yeah, I definitely. I don't like the name Ross.
 Ross: What a weird way to kick me when I'm down.
 Phoebe: No! No! I-I meant for the baby!
 Ross: Oh. What's wrong with Ross?
 Phoebe: Well, it's just y'know that something like this would never to
 like The Hulk, y'know
 Ross: Actually that-that's not true, in The Incredible Hulk uh, No.
 72, Dr. Bruce Banner found  (Sees everyone staring at him and stops.) Y'know,
 ugh, nevermind, my girlfriend's a lesbian. (Leaves.)
 Phoebe: So, I decided I'm definitely going to go with either Joey or
 Chandler.
 Joey: Oh! Oh-oh, you gotta pick Joey! I mean, name one famous person named
 Chandler.
 Chandler: Raymond Chandler.
 Joey: Someone you didn't make up!
 Chandler: Okay, there are no famous Joey's. Except for, huh, Joey
 Buttafucco.
 Joey: Yeah, that guy really hurt us.
 Phoebe: Well, how about a compromise then, okay? What if it's like
 y'know, Chanoey?
 Chandler: Okay, look, Joey! Come on, think about it, first of all, he'll
 never be President. There's never gonna be a President Joey.
 Joey: All right look man, I didn't want to bring this up, but Chandler, is
 the stupidest name I ever heard in my life! It's not even a name; it's barely
 even a word. Okay? It's kinda like chandelier, but it's not! All right?
 It's a stupid, stupid non-name!
 Chandler: Wow, you're, you're right. I have a horrible, horrible name.
 Joey: I'm sorry man, I didn't I'm-I'm sorry. I'm
 sorry. (Goes over and comforts him.)
 Chandler: Okay.
 Joey: So I guess it's Joey then!
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is on her dinner date with
 Joshua.]
 Joshua: This is so nice. Thank you for doing this.
 Rachel: Ohh, please! Cooking soothes me. (They kiss.) Ahh. So, dig in!
 Joshua: Great! Oh, it all looks sooo good!
 Rachel: (taking a bite) Hmmm!
 Joshua: Oh my God!
 Rachel: Oh I know, my God, this is so this rice is so I am so good.
 Joshua: Behind you?
 Rachel: (sees the chick and the duck) Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. They used to
 live here; sometimes they migrate back over.
 Joshua: (getting up and backing away from they.) Is there ah, is there some way
 they can not be here. It's just ah, farm birds really kinda freak me out!
 Rachel: Yeah, sure, okay. Okay.
 (Rachel gets up and ushers them into the hall, as they pass Joshua, he leaps onto the
 counter to avoid them. Rachel drops them off in the hall, and knocks on Joey's door.)


Joey: (answering the door.) Hey, how did you do that?! Come on in. (He brings
 them inside.)
 [Cut back to Rachel's date.]
 Rachel: All gone! So, farm birds, huh?
 Joshua: Yeah, it's-it's my only weird thing, I swear. And I-I-I
 would've told you about it, but I didn't know they would be here.
 Rachel: Oh.
 Joshua: So, all right.
 (They both sit back down.)
 Rachel: Okay. So, can I serve you a little of What? What? What? (She sees
 that Joshua isn't relaxed.)
 Joshua: Nothing I uh, it's just that I know that they're still out
 there.
 Rachel: But, they're across the hall! I mean that's two doors away, it
 would take them a long time to peck their way back over here.
 Joshua: Okay, that's-that's not funny. Uhh.
 Rachel: Okay, y'know, would you feel better if we went someplace else? I
 mean we could pack all this stuff up and y'know go to your apartment.
 Joshua: Oh, they're working on this week, it's a total mess. But uh,
 I'm staying at my parents' house, we could go there.
 Rachel: Your parents'?
 Joshua: Yeah, they're out of town.
 Rachel: Ohh.
 Joshua: Yeah-yeah, it's this huge place, and-and it's got this
 gorgeous view of the park, and very, very romantic. What do you say?
 Rachel: Yeah that works.
 (He moves to kiss her, but stops when he hears the duck.)
 Joshua: They-they-they can smell fear.
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, Carol has come to pick up Ben.]
 Ross: (opening the door.) Hey!
 Carol: Hey! How's Ben?
 Ross: Well, I asked him if he wanted to eat, he said, 'No.' I asked
 him if he wanted to sleep, he said, 'No.' I asked him what he wanted to do, he
 said, 'No.' So, he's sweeping. (We see Ben playing with a broom and a
 dustpan.)
 Carol: Hey, Ben! Hey!
 Ross: So umm, any word from Susan?
 Carol: Ooh, yeah! She said she's having sooo much fun with Emily.
 Ross: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh, by the by, did it uh, did it ever occur to you that, I
 don't know, maybe they might be having a little too much fun?
 Carol: What's too much fun?
 Ross: Y'know, the kind of fun, you and Susan had when we were married.
 Carol: Oh my God, you are so paranoid!
 Ross: Am I?!
 Carol: Yes!
 Ross: Am I?!
 Carol: I can't speak for Emily, but Susan is in a loving, committed
 relationship.
 Ross: Uh-huh, Carol, so were we. All right, just-just imagine for a moment,
 Susan meets someone and-and they really hit it off. Y'know? Say-say they're
 coming back from the theatre, and they-they stop at a pub for a couple of drinks,
 they're laughing, y'know, someone innocently touches someone else
 There's electricity, it's new. It's exciting. Are you telling me there
 isn't even the slightest possibility of something happening?
 Carol: Maybe.
 Ross: OH MY GOD!! I didn't really believe it until you just said it!!
 [Scene: Joshua's parents' apartment, Rachel and Joshua are entering.]
 Joshua:  and even though none of the other kids believed me, I swear to
 God, that duck pushed me!
 Rachel: Wow! This place is fabulous!
 Joshua: Yeah, yeah, let me show you around. This is the uh, downstairs living
 room.
 Rachel: Whoa-whoa, there's two living rooms? God, growing up here, this
 place must've been a real babe magnet.
 Joshua: Yeah, well, it would've been, but uh, my parents just moved here.
 Rachel: Ohh, you should know, this place is a real babe magnet. Wanna make out?
 (They kiss.)
 Joshua: Hey, here's an idea. Why don't uh, I put the food in the
 fridge and we can eat it later?
 Rachel: That sounds like a plan. Umm, is there a place I can go freshen up?
 Joshua: Oh yeah, yeah uh, it's down the hall and uh, second door to your
 left.
 Rachel: Ah.
 (She goes down the hall. Joshua goes to put the food away when his parents walk in.)
 Mrs. Burgin: Oh, hi, darling!
 Joshua: Mom, Dad, what are you guys doing here?
 Mrs. Burgin: Oh, well we cut the trip short.
 Mr. Burgin: France sucks!
 Joshua: Umm, this may be a little weird, but I-I-I got a date here.
 Mrs. Burgin: Oh, say no more!
 Mr. Burgin: We'll just grab some food and take it with us right upstairs,
 and we'll be right out of you hair.
 Joshua: Oh, that-that would be great. So you didn't even get to Italy?
 Mr. Burgin: Yep, sucks!
 (They all go into the kitchen. Just then, Rachel comes back from the bathroom; she had
 removed her dress and is wearing nothing but a lace nightie. She tries to find someplace
 seductive to wait for Joshua. She tries to sit on the piano, but it makes too much noise.
 So she goes over to the couch and kinda half lays down to wait for Joshua. Joshua comes in
 from the kitchen, sees Rachel, and freezes.)


Rachel: Hi you!
 Joshua: Oh my God!
 Rachel: I know, I can do more than cook.
 (Just then, his parents enter. Rachel gasps.)
 Mr. Burgin: I like her. She sees smart.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Joshua's parents' apartment, continued from earlier.]
 Joshua: Uhh, Rachel, my parents
 Rachel: Ohh! It's so nice to meet you. (She goes over and shakes their
 hands.) Hello.
 Mr. Burgin: Hi.
 Rachel: Hello.
 Mrs. Burgin: Hello. Well, Joshua, that $500 was for groceries.
 Rachel: What? This-this, no, oh no, no-no-no, this is
 not that's-that's not what it is. See, see, okay, I work in fashion, see
 and-and, this is a real dress actually. It's-it's, they're-they're
 wearing it in Milan, so part of my job is too wear the clothes, and then I see how people
 respond, and then I report back to my superiors at Bloomingdale's, so
 And obviously in uh, in-in this case, (She grabs a pen and paper) I am going to report
 back, 'USA not ready.'
 Mrs. Burgin: Maybe in L.A?
 Rachel: Yes!
 Joshua: There you go.
 Mr. Burgin: So, have you kids eaten yet?
 Rachel: Well, we were going to do that after I mean umm, next.
 Mr. Burgin: Well, we're starving, why don't we all go get something to
 eat?
 Rachel: Oh, yeah, well  Yeah, no use wasting this baby, just lyin'
 around the house.
 Mr. Burgin: So  We go eat.
 Rachel: Yes.
 Mr. Burgin: You'll wear that. We'll be eating, and of course,
 you'll be wearing that.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is looking for a new
 name in Phoebe's book of names.]
 Joey: Dude, I am sorry about what I said!
 Chandler: No, no, you're right, it is a ridiculous name!
 Joey: It's not that bad.
 Chandler: Yes it is! From now on, I have no first name.
 Joey: So, you're just Bing?
 Chandler: I have no name.
 Phoebe: All right, so, what are we supposed to call you?
 Chandler: Okay uh, for now, temporarily, you can call me, Clint.
 Joey: No way are you cool enough to pull of Clint.
 Chandler: Okay, so what name am I cool enough to pull off?
 Phoebe: Umm, Gene.
 Chandler: It's Clint. It's Clint! (He heads for his bedroom.)
 Joey: See you later, Gene.
 Phoebe: Bye, Gene.
 Chandler: It's Clint! Clint!
 Joey: What's up with Gene?
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is telling Phoebe and Monica of her date.]
 Monica: So, you wore your nightie to dinner?
 Rachel: Oh, yeah. And uh, the best part though, when the uh, waiter spilled
 water down my back, I jumped up, and my boob popped out.
 Phoebe: Oh my God!
 Monica: Oh, no!
 Rachel: No, it's all right. I got nice boobs. (Phoebe and Monica nod there
 heads in agreement.)
 Ross: (returning from the phone.) So, I just picked up a message from Emily, she
 and Susan are going to a poetry reading together!
 Rachel: So?
 Ross: So! Poetry? Susan's gay! They're being gay together!
 Monica: Emily's straight.
 Ross: Oh, wake up!
 Phoebe: Wow, Carol really messed you up!
 Ross: Excuse me?
 Phoebe: Yeah, she turned you into this-this-this untrusting, crazy, jealous,
 sycophant. (They all look at her.) All right, so I don't know what sycophant means,
 but the rest is right.
 Ross: Look, I don't know what you're talking about, I am not a crazy,
 jealous person.
 Rachel: Huh.
 Ross: What?
 Rachel: She's totally right! When we were together, you got all freaked out
 about Mark and there was nothing going on.
 Monica: This totally makes sense!
 Ross: It does not!
 Monica: Oh, sure it does! In high school, you weren't jealous at all even
 though all your girlfriends were cheating on you!
 Phoebe: All right, all right, so up until  92-93 he was very trusting, then
 '94 hit, Carol left him and bamn! Paranoid city!
 Rachel: Absolutely! Absolutely!
 Monica: This is so much fun!
 Ross: This is not fun!
 Monica: Look, all we're trying to say is, don't let what happened with
 Carol ruin what you got with Emily.
 Phoebe: Yeah. The '92 Ross wouldn't.
 Ross: Well, I still think I was right about that whole Mark thing.
 Rachel: What yeah what, y'know what? I hope Emily is a
 lesbian.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is showing off more of her
 drum skills to Joey by rubbing one of the sticks back and forth across the drum.]
 Phoebe: Drum roll.
 Chandler: (entering) Okay. Okay. All right. Help! Am I a Mark, or a John?
 Joey: Nah, you're not tall enough to be a Mark, but you might make a good
 Barney.
 Chandler: All right look, am I serious, okay? Tomorrow at 3:30 I am going down
 to the courthouse.
 Phoebe: You're actually going through with this?
 Chandler: Hey, look, this name has been holding me back my entire life. Okay,
 it's probably why kids picked on me in school, and why I never do well with
 women  So, as of 4 o'clock tomorrow, I'm either gonna be Mark Johnson or
 John Markson.


 The One With All The Haste
 The One With All The Haste
 Written by: Wil Calhoun & Scott Silveri
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Rachel's bedroom; Rachel is awoken by a man singing in the next
 apartment.]
 The Singing Man: (singing, duh) Morning's here! Sunshine is here! The sky
 is clear, the morning's here! The morning's here!
 Rachel: HEY!! Do you have to do that? It's Saturday!
 The Singing Man: Oh come on! Morning's here! (Starts singing)
 Morning's here! The morning is here! Sunshine is here!
 (Rachel slams shut her window and storms into the living room, where Joey and Monica
 are eating breakfast.)
 Rachel: I hate this apartment! I hate the color of these walls! I hate
 the fact that this place still smells like bird! I hate that singing guy!
 Joey: Are you kidding? I love that guy! (Starts singing) Morning's here!
 Morning is here
 Rachel: Stop it! I will kill you. I hate the fact that my room is so small.
 Monica: Hey, I have all the space I need. Just do what I did.
 Rachel: Monica, you don't even have a bed, you sleep in a ball on the
 floor!
 Monica: Y'know what? I am really tired of your bellyaching! Okay,
 I-I worked really hard at making this a nice place for us to live!
 Rachel: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
 Monica: Okay.
 Joey: See, this is a great apartment.
 Monica: Shut up! This place is a hole!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Ross's bedroom; Ross and Emily are making out. Ross as a new feature.]
 Emily: Oh, blimey, I still can't believe you've got an earring!
 (Yep, it's a little gold loop.)
 Ross: Huh? I know, I know. Who am I? David Bowe? (Shakes his head around,
 pretending like he's jamming.)
 Emily: He does that?!
 Ross: Uh, I don't know, whatever.
 Emily: I think it makes you look really dangerous.
 Ross: Oh, I know. Y'know what, I never would've gotten this if it
 weren't for you. No really, when I'm with you I'm-I'm like this whole
 other guy, I love that guy! I mean, I love you too, a lot, but that guy! I-I love
 that guy!
 Emily: I love both of you!
 Ross: Yeah?
 (They kiss.)
 Emily: I wish I didn't have to go.
 Ross: Then don't. Stay here. Just don't go so soon to London, just one
 more day.
 Emily: Ohh, Ross, please!
 Ross: One more day, seriously/
 Emily: Don't do this to me, again. You'd know I'd stay here in a
 minute, but I'd really miss so much work, they'll fire me.
 Ross: So, then you can stay as long as you want.
 Emily: I wish I could.
 Ross: Oh no. Don't, don't, don't start packing. Come on! (She
 puts some clothes into her bag, and Ross throws them out.)
 Emily: I don't think you understand packing. Look, I just don't want
 to leave it to the last minute. Last time I left in such a rush, I left my knickers here.
 Ross: Yeah, I know, I uh, I tried them on.
 Emily: You didn't!
 Ross: No. No, I didn't. I didn't want to be that guy.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are watching
 one of those Kung Fu movies and imitating the moves.]
 Phoebe: (entering, wearing Santa pants) Hello!
 Chandler: Ho! Ho! Ho!
 Phoebe: Excuse me.
 Chandler: Your pants!
 Phoebe: Oh, yeah! You like  em? I just, I went to a used clothes store and
 got a bunch of maternity stuff. These are sooo comfortable!
 Joey: Uhh, Pheebs, those are uh, those are Santa pants.
 Phoebe: What?
 Chandler: Santa pants. (Phoebe still doesn't get it.) Santa Claus's
 pants.
 Phoebe: Nuh-uh! They're maternity pants. They even came with a list of baby
 names. (Pulls out a sheet of paper which lists who's been naughty and who's been
 nice.) See, these names are good, and these names are bad. (Finally, she figures it out.)
 Ohh.
 Rachel: (entering) Hey!
 Monica: (entering) Hey!
 Rachel: So Hey, Pheebs! So, how are the elves?
 Phoebe: I don't know! How are the-the-the-the, y'know You're
 clothes aren't funny.
 Monica: Hey, guys, what-what should I wear to a Knicks game?
 Chandler: Uhh, a T-shirt that says, 'I don't belong here.'
 Joey: You have Knicks tickets?
 Rachel: Yeah, my mom got my dad's season tickets in the divorce, so she
 just gave them to me.
 Monica: Yeah, apparently, they're pretty good seats.
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Joey: (examining the tickets) Oh my God! Those are almost right on the floor!
 Rachel: Do you guys want these?
 Joey: Yeah!
 Chandler: Yeah we do!
 Rachel: Ohh, well you got  em.
 Both: All right!
 Rachel: Just give us our apartment back!
 Phoebe: Boy! I didn't see that coming!
 Chandler: Are you serious?
 Rachel: Oh, come on! We know what these are worth.
 Monica: Yeah, what, do you think we're stupid?


Joey: You're not stupid. You're meaner than I thought.
 Monica: What do you say?
 Chandler: Forget it! Okay, I'm not giving up my bachelor pad for some
 basketball seats!
 Rachel: You're bachelor pad?!
 Monica: Have you even had a girl up here?
 Chandler: No. But uh, Joey has, and I usually talk to them in the morning time.
 Joey: Yeah, you do!
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is whining to Chandler about the tickets.]
 Joey: Come on!
 Chandler: (ignoring him) Yes, Gunther, can I get two cups of chino, please?
 Gunther: Good one.
 Joey: Come on, season tickets! Season tickets, do you know what that means?
 Chandler: Forget it! Okay, I'm not giving up the apartment.
 Joey: Oh come look, when I was a kid my dad's company gave season
 tickets to the number one salesman every year, all right? My dad never won! Of
 course, he wasn't in the sales division, but still, I never ever, ever forgot that!
 Ross: (entering) Hey, guys! (They both notice his new little friend)
 Joey: Hey!
 Chandler: Oh my God!
 Joey: We don't make enough fun of you already?
 Ross: Oh yeah, Emily convinced me to do it.
 Chandler: You do know that Wham broke up?
 Ross: I like it, and Emily likes it, and that's what counts. So uh, how are
 you guys doing?
 Joey: Oh-no, don't try and talk all normal with that thing in your ear.
 Chandler: Where is Emily?
 Ross: Ugh, she's saying good-bye to her uncle.
 Chandler: Man, didn't she like just get here?
 Ross: Yeah!! Yeah!
 Chandler: Easy tiger.
 Ross: I just, I hate this so much! I mean, every time I go pick her up at the
 airport, it's-it's so great. But at the same time I'm thinking, 'Well,
 I'm gonna be right back there in a couple of days, dropping her off.'
 Chandler: So what are you going to do?
 Ross: Nothing! There's nothing to do! I mean, she lives there, I live here.
 I mean, she-she'd have to uh, move here. She should move here!
 Joey: What?
 Ross: I could ask her to live with me!
 Chandler: Are you serious?
 Ross: I mean, why not! I mean, I mean why not?!
 Chandler: Because you've only known her for six weeks! Okay, I've got
 a carton of milk in my fridge I've had a longer relationship with!
 Ross: Look guys, when I'm with her it's-it's-it's like she
 brings this-this-this great side out of me. I mean I-I-I love her, y'know?
 Chandler: And I love the milk! But, I'm not gonna some British girl to move
 in with me! (Realizes that made no sense.) Joey, you say things now.
 Joey: All right look, Ross, he's right. Emily's great, she's
 great! But this way too soon, you're only gonna scare her!
 Ross: I don't want to do that.
 Joey: No! You don't want to wreck it, you don't want to go to fast!
 Ross: Yeah, no, you're right, I know, you're right, I'm not,
 I'm not gonna do it. All right, thanks guys. (Gets up to leave.)
 Chandler: Okay, no problem, just remember to wake us up before you go-go.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, later that same day. Joey and
 Chandler are eating pizza, and Phoebe is trying to knit something.]
 Phoebe: That's too hard. Too hard!
 Monica: (entering with Rachel) All right boys, last chance for the tickets!
 Rachel: Or I'll give them to my new boyfriend, Joshua.
 Chandler: No thank you.
 Joey: Wait-wait-wait-wait! (To Chandler) Come on! Come on, let's trade! The
 timing's perfect, I just clogged the toilet!
 Chandler: Look, I want those basketball seats as much as you do! Okay, but we
 can't leave in the small apartment after we've lived here! Didn't you ever
 read Flowers for Algernon?
 Joey: Yes! Didn't you ever read Sports Illustrated?! No! I
 didn't read yours! But come on, we can go to the game tonight!
 Chandler: Look, the only way I will even consider this is if they offer a lot
 more than just season seats.
 Joey: It's the Knicks!
 Chandler: Screw the Knicks!
 Joey: Whoa!
 Chandler: I didn't mean that. I just meant that the apartment is worth so
 much more.
 Joey: Huh.
 Chandler: And the Knicks rule all.
 Joey: Yeah, the Knicks rule all!
 Phoebe: Hey, so? Are you gonna do it?
 Chandler: No. No. We're not gonna do that, y'know why? Because its not
 an even trade.
 Rachel: All right, okay, look, what if you could keep the apartment and get the
 tickets?
 Joey: Done!
 Rachel: Let me finish.
 Joey: Oh.
 Rachel: I'm talking about a bet, winner takes all.
 Joey: Ooh, we could end up with nothing.
 Phoebe: Or you could end up with everything.
 Joey: Ooh, I like that.
 Monica: All right, so what do you say?
 Chandler: No!
 Monica: Oh, just do it!!


Chandler: Op, op, I'm convinced!
 Joey: Come on man, you know I'd do it for you! Because, you're my best
 friend.
 Chandler: All right, but you can't use that again for a whole year.
 I'm in.
 Joey: All right!
 Phoebe: Ooh, this is so exciting! Ooh, God, what are you going to bet?
 Rachel: Oh, okay, well, I think we should let Phoebe decide, because she's
 the only who's impartial, and she's so pretty.
 Phoebe: Okay. Umm, ooh, ooh oh, I have a game!
 Joey: Okay!
 Chandler: Okay!
 Phoebe: This is great!
 Joey: What's the game?! What's the game?!
 Phoebe: Oh, well, it doesn't have a name oh, okay, Phoebeball! No, it
 doesn't have a name. Umm, okay, Monica, what is your favourite thing about trees?
 Monica: They're green?
 Phoebe: Good! Good! Five points!
 (They both rejoice; Chandler is totally confused.)
 Phoebe: All right, Joey, same question.
 (He looks to Chandler, who doesn't have a clue.)
 Joey: Uhh, they're tall.
 Phoebe: Ooh, three points. Both fine answers, but we were looking for leafy,
 leafy.
 (Joey turns and is angry that Chandler didn't come up with the answer.)
 Monica: That's not even a game!
 Rachel: What? Shut up! We're winning!
 Monica: You wanna finish this right now? All right, we get a deck of cards, high
 card wins. What do you say?
 Chandler: Fine, let's do it.
 Phoebe: Oh, I have cards!
 Joey: Oh.
 Monica: Oh, good.
 Phoebe: Yeah! Here! (She grabs a deck out of her purse) Oh no, these are the
 trick deck. Okay. Here yes. Okay.
 Chandler: Okay, you guys uh, you guys pick first
 Rachel: Okay.
 Monica: Okay. (She picks a card.) Four.
 Chandler: That's a low one!
 Joey: Yeah! Okay. (Joey picks a card.) Phoebe, you look, I can't.
 Phoebe: What make you think I can?! (Shields her eyes from it.)
 Joey: Okay. Okay. (He looks at the card.) Ace!
 (Both Joey and Chandler and Monica and Rachel jump up and down for joy.)
 Chandler: Why are you screaming and hugging?
 Monica: Because we won our apartment back!
 Joey: What? Ace is high! Jack, queen, king, ace!
 Monica: No! Ace is low! Ace, two, three, four!
 (They all look to Phoebe to settle this.)
 Phoebe: I don't know. Ooh! Ooh! Look it! (She fans out the trick deck.)
 Ah-ha!
 Rachel: All right, cut, let's pick again, pick again.
 Joey: Okay.
 Rachel: Come on apartment! Come on apartment! (Picks a card.) Oh! I know queen
 is high!
 Joey: Uh-huh, not as high as (picks a card) It worked! King!
 Chandler: Yeah baby!
 Monica: But, we pick again! We pick again!
 Joey: Why?!
 Monica: I don't know!
 Chandler: Tickets please! (Rachel hands over the tickets) That's courtside
 baby!
 Joey: Seriously, good game though. Good game. (He tries to congratulate them,
 but they pull away.) (To Chandler) What are they so mad about? They get the apartment
 back!
 Chandler: No they didn't!
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, Emily has packed as Ross returns.]
 Ross: Hey!
 Emily: I packed while you were gone. I left some knickers under your pillow.
 Ross: (laughs) Move in with me.
 Emily: What?!
 Ross: Don't be scared, I-I know it sounds crazy and-and people will say
 it's too soon, but just-just think, think how great it will be.
 Emily: Ohh, no. Ugh. Oh, leaving London, my whole family lives there.
 Ross: I know.
 Emily: My job!
 Ross: Well, so, you-you'll get a job here! I mean, I'm always hearing
 about uh, them foreigners coming in here and stealing American jobs; that could be you!
 Emily: Yeah, but it-it-it's my whole life you come to England.
 Ross: No, I can't. I would, I really would, but my son is here; I
 can't leave him. Isn't you don't think there's any way?
 Emily: Ohh, I don't think so. I mean it would be different if it was way
 into the future and-and-and we were getting married or something.
 Ross: What?
 Emily: Oh no, no, right I shouldn't have said married. Uh, please
 don't go freaky on me. I didn't mean it. Well, I didn't say it; I take it
 back!
 Ross: No, no, don't. Why don't we?
 Emily: Why don't we what?
 Ross: Get married.
 Emily: You are mad!
 Ross: No! No! I'm not! It's-it's-it's perfect! I mean
 it's better than you just-just moving here,  cause it's us together
 forever, and that's-that's what I want.
 Emily: We've only known each other for six weeks!
 Ross: Yeah, I know, so what? I mean, who's-who's to say? Does that me
 we-we can't do it? Look, huh, I was with Carol for four years before we got married
 and I wound up divorced from a pregnant lesbian. I mean, this, this makes sense for us.
 Come on! I mean, on our first date we ended up spending the whole weekend in Vermont! I
 mean, last night I got my ear pierced! Me! This feels right. Doesn't it?
 Emily: My parents are going to be really mad.


Ross: Is that are you saying yes? Is that yes?
 Emily: Yes.
 (They kiss and hug.)
 Emily: Yes!
 Ross: Yes! We're getting married?!
 Emily: Oh my God!
 Ross: Yes!
 Emily: We're getting married!
 Ross: Come here, come here. Uh, (He takes the earring out.) ow! Emily, will you
 marry me?
 Emily: Yes.
 (He tries to put it on her finger.)
 Emily: Ohh, it's a bit small.
 Ross: Damn! I thought that was going to be romantic as hell!
 Emily: It was.
 (They kiss.)
 Commerical Break
 [Scene: The hallway, Joey and Chandler are coming back from the game.]
 Chandler: Those were like the best seats ever.
 Joey: Oh yeah. Hey! Should we give these shirts to the girls? Y'know, kinda
 like a peace offering.
 Chandler: Oh yeah, that's very nice. Plus, y'know they were free and
 they're too small.
 (He knocks on the girls' door and walks in. Surprise! The girls, obviously using Star
 Trek technology, have completely moved everything in both apartments back to their
 original positions, all in the time it took for the guys to go to a basketball game. Wow!
 Anyhoo, Chandler is stunned, and Joey doesn't even realise it.)
 Chandler: Oh. Oh, God! (He starts running around like a chicken with his head
 cut off.)
 Joey: Hey, want a beer? (Hands him a beer and sits down in one of the chairs.)
 (Jumping up.) WHOA!!!!
 Chandler: I KNOW!!!
 (They both sprint to what used to be their apartment.)
 Chandler: Open up! Open up! Open up!
 (A very angry Monica opens the door with the security chain still on.)
 Monica: We'll discuss it, in the morning! (Slams the door shut.)
 Chandler: What the hell is going on?!
 (It's Rachel's turn to open the door.)
 Rachel: We took our apartment back!! (Slams the door shut.)
 Phoebe: (opening the door) I had nothing to do with it. (Closes the door.)
 (Opens the door.) Okay, it was my idea, but I don't feel good about it.
 (She goes to close the door, but Chandler puts his foot it in.)
 Chandler: We are switching back, right now!
 Monica: No, we're not! We're not leaving!
 Chandler: Well, you're gonna have to leave sometime, because you both have
 jobs, and as soon as you do, we're switching it back! There's nothing you can do
 to stop us! Right, Joe?
 Joey: I don't know.
 Chandler: What?
 Joey: I don't want to move again!
 Chandler: I don't care, this is our apartment! And they stole you
 stole it our apartment, and we won that apartment fair and square, twice! And I am
 getting it back right now. I'm getting back right now!
 (They open the door.)
 Rachel: All right. We figured you might respond this way, so we have a backup
 offer.
 Chandler: Oh no-no-no, no more offers. You can't offer anything to us!
 Rachel: Let us keep the apartment and
 Monica: As a thank you, Rachel and I will kiss for one minute.
 [Time lapse. The guys are entering their apartment.]
 Chandler: Totally worth it!
 Joey: That was one good minute!
 Chandler: Good night.
 Joey: Good night.
 (They both go back into their old rooms and shut the doors. Of course, Chandler has to
 close both sections of his door.)
 [Cut to the girls apartment.]
 Monica: Men are such idiots.
 Rachel: Yeah! Can you believe that something that stupid actually got us our
 apartment back?
 Phoebe: That's so funny to think if you'd just done that right after
 the last contest, no one would have had to move at all.
 Monica: Yeah, let-let-let's pretend that's not true.
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Phoebe: Okay, scarf's done. (It's not really a scarf, it's just a
 bunch of yarn that Phoebe has tied together. Just then, Ross and Emily enter dragging with
 them Joey and Chandler.)
 Ross: Come on! Come on. Come on.
 Chandler: Okay!
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Ross: Hey!
 Monica: What-what's going on?
 Joey: Ross has some big thing to tell everyone.
 Ross: Uhh, okay, it's uh, Emily and I, we decided to uh, to get married.
 (The gang is stunned.)
 Phoebe: What? Oh, are you pregnant too?!
 Emily: Umm, no.
 Monica: When, when did how, how did you
 Ross: We, we just decided to uh, to go for it.
 Emily: I mean, we know it's a bit hasty but, uh, it just feels so right,
 so
 (Rachel slowly walks in from her bedroom. She is stunned speechless.)
 Ross: (turning around.) Umm, uh, I was just telling the guys
 Rachel: Yeah, I-I heard. (Pause, everyone looks at each other, waiting for
 Rachel's reaction.) I think it's great! (Hugs Ross.) Ohh, I'm so happy for
 you!
 (Seeing Rachel's apparently okay with this, the rest of the gang jumps up to
 congratulate Ross and Emily on their pending nuptials.)
 Chandler: Oh, well, that's great!
 Joey: Yeah! Yeah!
 Monica: (to Ross) I can't believe you're getting married!


 The One With All The Wedding Dresses
 The One With All the Wedding Dresses
 Story by: Adam Chase
 Teleplay by: Michael Curtis & Gregory S. Malins
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Joey's bedroom, he is asleep and snoring loudly. Chandler enters wondering
 who left their engine running.]
 Chandler: Are you kidding me?! Joey. Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey!
 Joey! Joey!!
 Joey: (joining in, in his sleep) Joey. Joey. Joey. Joey! Joey!!
 (Chandler acts disgusted, but is happy that Joey has stopped snoring. However, just as
 he is about to leave, Joey starts snoring again. So to get him to stop, he slams the door
 shut, waking Joey.)
 Chandler: Oh. Oh, did-did-did I wake you?
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is getting another cup of coffee.]
 Chandler: Gunther, can I get another cup of coffee, please? (Gunther starts to
 pour him another cup.) So uh, what do you do when you're not working here?
 Gunther: You don't need to fill these silences.
 Chandler: Oh, okay, thanks. (He goes back to the couch and rejoins Monica, Joey,
 and Phoebe.)
 Monica: Chandler, that's like your fourth cup of coffee!
 Chandler: Well, I am drinking lots of cups of coffee because I'm exhausted!
 Because Joey started snoring!
 Monica: He's in a different room! He's really that loud?
 Joey: (proudly) Oh, you should here me.
 Chandler: It's not something to be proud of, okay? You have to go to a
 sleep clinic!
 Joey: Look, I told ya, I'm not going to any clinic! I don't have a
 problem, you're the one with the problem! You should go to a 'Quit being a baby
 and leave me alone' clinic!
 Chandler: They don't have those.
 Joey: Yeah, they do! Quit being a baby and leave me alone! There, you've
 just had your first class!
 Monica: Y'know I used to go out with this guy that was a really light
 sleeper, and whenever I started to snore, he would just roll me over
 Joey: Ohhh, yeah!
 Monica: He would just roll me over and I would stop snoring.
 Chandler: Next time you snore, I'm rolling ya over!
 Joey: I gotta do what I gotta do, you gotta do what you gotta do, you just do
 it.
 Ross: (entering) Hey guys!
 Chandler: Hey, all right!
 Phoebe: Hey!
 (Joey starts humming Here Come the Bride.)
 Phoebe: Oh, the Olympics.
 Monica: Have you guys picked a date yet?
 Ross: Oh no, not yet.
 Phoebe: I still cannot believe you're engaged! (Ross looks at her)
 Just  cause its happening so fast; not  cause you're such a loser.
 Ross: Oh. Thanks. Uh, has anyone seen Rach?
 Monica: Ugh, she's upstairs not doing the dishes! And I tell ya
 something! I'm not doing them this time! I don't care if those dishes sit in the
 sink until they're all covered with I'll do them when I get home!
 Ross: Yeah oh! Hey listen umm, Emily found this wedding dress in
 London
 Phoebe: Already?!
 Ross: Yeah, but it didn't fit. Well, luckily there's a store here that
 has one left in her size, but I'm the groom, I'm not supposed to see the
 dress
 Monica: I'll pick it up for you!
 Ross: Thank you.
 Monica: Okay.
 Chandler: Oh, she's got you running errands, y'know, picking up
 wedding dresses  (Laughs and makes like Indiana Jones and his whip) Wah-pah!
 Ross: What's wah-pah?
 Chandler: Y'know, whipped! Wah-pah!
 Joey: That's not whipped! Whipped is wh-tcssh!
 Chandler: That's what I did. Wah-pah!
 Joey: You can't do anything!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is not doing the dishes. She hears someone coming
 up the stairs and quickly puts down her magazine and pretends like she's actually
 doing the dishes.]
 Rachel: Hey, Mon, I was just doing the dishes!
 Ross: Hey!
 Rachel: Oh! It's you. (She stops doing the dishes.) Hi.
 Ross: Hey, do uh, do you have a minute?
 Rachel: Yeah, yeah, I was just about to take a break anyways, so
 Ross: So listen uh, I know you and I haven't really had a chance to talk
 since uh, Emily and I decided to get married, and uh, I was just wondering how you were.
 Rachel: Oh.
 Ross: I know if you were getting married I'd feel, kinda ..
 y'know.
 Rachel: Yeah. Yeah. Definitely, well it definitely took me by surprise, but
 I'm okay.
 Ross: Yeah?
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Ross: All right, I just wanted to check.
 Rachel: Oh, that's sweet.
 (He goes over to hug her.)
 Ross: You're great. And I-I know someday this will happen for you too. You
 just hang in there.
 Rachel: (breaking the hug) Uhh, hang in there?
 Ross: Oh, no, I didn't mean, uh
 Rachel: I mean maybe you didn't hear about a serious relationship called me
 and Joshua?
 Ross: Oh, I thought you guys had just been on like four dates, I didn't
 realise that had become anything, yet.


Rachel: Oh, no-no-no, no-no-no, it has become, it has yeah. Oh no, those
 were four great dates.
 Ross: Oh. Yeah?
 Rachel: Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I mean, the connection, I mean y'know,
 emotionally, mentally, physically
 Ross: Wow, that's-that's-that's incredible.
 Rachel: I know isn't it? It's like I'm right there with Joshua.
 Ross: Uh-huh.
 Rachel: You are right there with Emily. And it's y'know, it's
 kinda like . it's a tie! Well, I gotta get, I gotta get back to the dishes.
 Ross: I gotta get to work.
 Rachel: Oh yeah? Fine.
 Ross: Hey, y'know, y'know what would make me really happy?
 Rachel: Oh yeah, no, what's that?
 Ross: If like the four of us could all y'know, hang out together. Uh, in
 fact Emily's coming into town this weekend, why don't you say we all have
 dinner? Say, Sunday night?
 Rachel: That would be great!
 Ross: Yeah, all right, it's a date. (He leaves)
 Rachel: (to the closed door) Hang in there. You hang in there. (Gives him the
 raspberry.)
 Ross: (coming back in) Did you say something?
 Rachel: No, just singing. (Does a little song.)
 [Scene: Beatrice Bridal Shop, Monica and Phoebe are there to pick up Emily's
 dress.]
 Monica: Oh my God! Ohh! Look at this one! It's so beautiful!
 Phoebe: Yeah, but y'know, about have of these are gonna end up getting
 divorced.
 The Saleslady: May I help you ladies?
 Monica: Oh, yes, umm, I'm here to pick up a dress that you have on hold.
 The Saleslady: Yes, what's the name, please?
 Monica: Emily Waltham.
 The Saleslady: Yes! I have it right here. (Phoebe and Monica both gasp at the
 dress.) Would you like to try it on Ms. Waltham?
 Monica: (laughs) Okay.
 [Time lapse. Monica is wearing the dress and starring at herself in the mirror.]
 Phoebe: You're the most beautiful bride I've ever seen.
 Monica: I am, aren't I?
 The Saleslady: Ms. Waltham?
 Monica: Yes?
 The Saleslady: We're closing.
 Monica: All right. (Goes to take off the dress.)
 The Saleslady: And could I get my ring back?
 (She disgustedly takes the ring off and gives it back.)
 [Scene: Joey's bedroom, he's snoring again and Chandler is there to roll him
 over.]
 Chandler: All right buddy, time to roll over. (Rolls him over, and discovers a
 surprise) (Looking down) No-no! (Covers his eyes) No, no-n-n-n-no!! You are going to a
 clinic! You're going to a clinic, and a pyjama store!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is doing the dishes.]
 Monica: Does she use the cups? Yes! I believe she does. Does she use the plates?
 Yes! I believe she does. (Looks at the wedding dress and stops.)
 [Time lapse, Monica is now wearing the dress while doing the dishes and is
 making like she is thanking her guests for coming to her wedding. Paging Dr. Crane. Dr.
 Fraiser Crane!]
 Monica: Oh. Thank you. Ohhh, thank you very much. Oh, thank you for coming.
 (There's a knock on the door.) Uh, just a second!
 Phoebe: No-no, let me in!
 Monica: Phoebe?
 Phoebe: Yeah!
 Monica: Can you just hold on for one minute?
 Phoebe: No, you have to let me in right now!!
 Monica: Are you alone?
 Phoebe: Yes!
 Monica: All right.
 (She goes over and lets Phoebe bounce in wearing her own wedding dress.)
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is complaining about going to the clinic.]
 Joey: This sucks! I didn't know I had to stay up all night before I went to
 this stupid sleep clinic! I'm so tired!
 Chandler: It's 6:00.
 Joey: Yeah, well
 Rachel: (entering) Hi!
 Chandler: Hey, I hear that you and Joshua are going out to dinner with Ross and
 Emily, and I think that's, I think that's really cool.
 Joey: Yeah, Rach, I think you're handling that really well.
 Rachel: Handling it? What do you mean, handling it? There's nothing to
 handle. Now, maybe I would have a problem with this if it wasn't for me and Joshua.
 Y'know, they're not gonna get married anyway!
 Chandler: What?
 Rachel: Come on! They rushed into this thing so fast it's ridiculous! I
 mean, they're gonna be engaged for like what? A year? And somewhere along the way,
 one of them is gonna realise what they've done and they're call the whole thing
 off. I'm telling ya, you're gonna be dancing at my wedding before you're
 dancing at there's.
 Chandler: Yeah, well, I don't dance at weddings.
 Rachel: Why not?
 Chandler: Because weddings are a great place to meet women, and when I dance, I
 look like this  (Starts to dancing really, really, really badly. Ross enters behind
 him and he stops.)
 Ross: Hey man.
 Chandler: Hey!
 Ross: So, what are you guys doing four weeks from today?
 Chandler: Nothing.
 Rachel: Nothing.
 Joey: I am  (Looks in his date book.) free!
 Ross: Great! Because Emily and I are getting married in a month!
 Joey and