Monica: All right, then show me some manly moves.
 Joey: All right.
 (They both get up and Monica expects Joey to take the lead, but he doesn't, and
 they fumble around for a little bit.)
 Joey: I don't know how to lead.
 [Scene: Ross and Chandler's bank, they are there to close their accounts.]
 Ross: Hello.
 Chandler: Hi.
 Ross: We'd like to close our accounts.
 Bank Officer: Close your accounts? Is there some kind of problem?
 Ross: No-no.
 Chandler: No, we'd just like to close them.
 Bank Officer: Okay, Ms. Lambert handles all our closures. (to a beautiful woman)
 Would you come over here please?
 Ms. Lambert: Hi, I'm Karen.
 Chandler: I wanna quit the bank!
 [Scene: Healing Hands, Inc., Phoebe is giving Rick a massage.]
 Phoebe: (thinking to herself) Okay, baseball. Rick, playing baseball. Okay,
 slides into second, maybe even his pants come down a little  Oh no wait no, no!
 No! Okay, all right, sandwiches, sandwiches. Umm, okay, on a plate, maybe Rick's
 pants come down a little. No! No! Okay, Chandler! Okay Chandler, ooh, that's working.
 (The camera zooms in on the clock on the wall and it reads a quarter after one. Time
 lapse. The clock now reads 3:30, and Phoebe is still giving Rick his massage.)
 Phoebe: (thinking to herself) Chandler's knees. Chandler's
 ankles. Chandler's ankle hair. (notices the clock) Oh no. (to Rick) Okay, you're
 all set.
 Rick: Oh wow! That was amazing, was that really just an hour?!
 Phoebe: Yeah! In  really long hour world.
 Rick: What?
 Phoebe: Ugh, okay, I have an enormous crush on you. But because you're a
 client, I can't ask you out, even though you give me y'know, the feeling.
 Rick: Wow! I had no idea! But you know, I could always find another masseuse.
 Phoebe: Really?!
 Rick: Yeah, really.
 (They start to kiss, then Rick stops suddenly.)
 Phoebe: What?
 Rick: Suddenly, I very aware that I'm naked.
 Phoebe: (laughs) Okay, quit down. (they start to kiss again)
 (Suddenly, Phoebe's boss, Mrs. Potter, and a client, Mr. Simon, enters.)
 Mrs. Potter: Mr. Simon's been waiting for (sees Phoebe and Rick) Oh my
 God!
 Mr. Simon: Why wasn't I offered that? I'd definitely pay more for
 that.
 Mrs. Potter: Phoebe, we have rules here, this isn't that kind of place.
 Phoebe: Oh yeah, oh and I know, but this isn't what it looks like,
  cause Rick is my ahh, husband.
 Mrs. Potter: Oh really? Well, then you'd better tell his other wife,
  cause she called three times asking where he is.
 Phoebe: Yes, I will tell her.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Ross are telling Joey, Rachel, and Monica of
 their bank woes.]
 Monica: So you didn't leave the bank?
 Ross: No! And somehow, we ended up with a joint checking account.
 Rachel: What are you ever gonna use that for?!
 Chandler: To pay for the gym.
 (Phoebe enters)
 Chandler: Hey.
 Phoebe: Hey! So I had a great day, Rick and I really hit it off, and we started
 making out, and then my boss walked in and fired me for being a whore.
 Joey: What?!
 Rachel: You got fired?!
 Monica: Oh my Gosh!
 Phoebe: It's so weird, I have never been fired from anything before!
 Rachel: Sweety...
 Phoebe: I just-I just started walking around not knowing what to do next,
 y'know? I-I started asking people on the street if they wanted massages. Then these
 policemen, thought I was a whore too. It's been a really bad day, whore wise.
 (There's a knock on the door and Chandler answers it.)
 Mr. Treeger:: Hey Duck, is Chick here?
 Chandler: Yeah  Bunny-rabbit.
 Joey: (To Mr. Treeger) So you ah, ready for our last practice?
 Mr. Treeger:: Yeah, but y'know, I think the reason we're not getting
 that spin right is because my apartment's too small.
 Joey: Look, you wanna use our place?
 Mr. Treeger:: No, I ahh, had another idea.
 [Cut to the roof, where Joey and Mr. Treeger are dancing happily to ^Night and Day^.]
 Joey: We did it!!
 Mr. Treeger:: I know, we did it!! Hey, that was incredible, huh?!
 Joey: I know, it was amazing! I mean, we totally nailed it, it was beautiful.
 Mr. Treeger:: Thank you, listen, thanks a lot Tribbiani, (checks watch). Oh my
 God, look at the time, I gotta catch the bus to the ball.
 Joey: Oh well, okay, good luck.
 Mr. Treeger:: Yeah.
 Joey: Unless you wanna practice the Foxtrot again? Or-or the Tango?
 Mr. Treeger:: Ahh, thanks but no. You see I-I think I'm ready to dance with
 girls.
 Joey: Okay.
 Mr. Treeger:: Yeah.
 Joey: Go get  em Treeger.
 Mr. Treeger:: Right. (Starts to leave) Hey, ahh, you wanna come? Marge has a
 girlfriend.
 Joey: (intrigued) Really?
 Mr. Treeger:: Yeah, you could dance real good with her, she's the same size
 as me.
 Joey: No, I'm good.
 (Treeger leaves, and Joey's dances off.)
 Closing Credits
 [Scene: Lara and Jeni's Massage, Phoebe is interviewing for a job.]
 Interviewer: So it looks like you've got some great experience here.
 Let's see ahh, reason for leaving last job?


 The One With Joey's New Girlfriend
 The One With Joey's New Girlfriend
 Written by: Michael Curtis & Gregory S. Malins
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, the gang's all there. Ross has a slip of paper that he throws on
 the ground tying to get Rachel's attention.]
 Ross: (picking up the slip of paper) Hello! What's this? Oh right its that
 girl's phone number. (Rachel ignores him) Yeah-yeah, there it is, just a phone number a
 really hot girl gave me. (He holds it so that Rachel can see it, she continues to ignore
 him) It's no big deal, I mean it is her home phone number, but...(Rachel still ignores
 him) Whoa! (Throws it in her lap) Whoa-whoops, I almost lost this baby! Yeah, the lovely
 Amanda gives me her number and I-I go and drop it. (He waves it in front of Rachel's face.
 Then suddenly Phoebe has to sneeze and Rachel quickly grabs the slip of paper and gives it
 to Phoebe for her to sneeze into.)
 Phoebe: Thank you.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, the next morning. Chandler, Monica, Ross, and Rachel are there.]
 Gunther: Rachel?
 Rachel: Yeah?
 Gunther: When's your birthday?
 Rachel: May fifth, why?
 Gunther: Oh, I-I'm just making a list of people's birthdays.
 Ross: Oh, mine's December...
 Gunther: Yeah, whatever. (Walks away)
 (Chandler is talking to Monica and notices a beautiful woman.)
 Chandler: Ohh, she's pretty. Pretty ahh, pretty girl, the pretty--she's pretty.
 Monica: Just go up to her and ask her out. (Chandler laughs) Oh, what's the
 worst thing that could happen?
 Chandler: I could die.
 Ross: Yeah, it's-it's tough being single. That's why I'm so glad I found Amanda.
 Rachel: Ross, you guys went out once. You took your kids to Chucky Cheese,
 and you didn't even kiss her.
 (Ross glares at Chandler.)
 Chandler: I tell people secrets. It makes them like me.
 Phoebe: (entering) Oh.
 Chandler: Hey! (Phoebe sneezes)
 Monica: Phoebe! You're sick, you shouldn't play. You should just go home, get in
 bed, and stay there.
 Phoebe: (in a nasally voice, from her cold) But I'm unemployed, my music is all
 I really have now. Well music, and making my own shoes. (She puts her shoe on the table,
 and it's horribly decorated) Pretty, huh? (Sneezes)
 Chandler: All right, I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna get shot down. Any advice?
 Monica: Just be yourself. But, not too much.
 Chandler: (gets up) (softly) Wish me luck.
 Ross: (loudly) Good luck!
 Chandler: Wish it! (To the woman, Kathy, he likes) Hi. Hi, I-I was just sitting
 over there, and uhh, Chandler. My name is Chandler. Did I say that?
 Kathy: No, you didn't. Hi, I'm Kathy.
 Chandler: Uh Kathy, with K or a C?
 Kathy: With a K.
 Chandler: Oh-oh-hey!
 Kathy: Wow! You are really good at this.
 Chandler: Hey, come on, give me a break, I'm out on a limb here.
 Kathy: I'm sorry, you're right, I apologize, but I should tell you that I'm
 waiting for a date. (Joey enters) Oh, and there he is now.
 Joey: Hey!
 Chandler: Hey! Hey, hey-hey, hey. (Joey kisses Kathy.)
 Joey: Hey, I see you guys already met, huh?
 Chandler: Yes-yes, I was just trying to figure out a way to uh, demonstrate how
 I could get my exceptionally large feet into my even bigger mouth.
 Joey: Didn't I tell ya? Always showin' off.
 Phoebe: Before I start, I just wanna say that umm, I have a cold, so if I sneeze
 in the middle of song, it's not on purpose. Oh, except the last verse of Pepper People.
 (Starts to sing) Smelly cat, smelly cat. What are they feeding you? (Stops
 singing) This chick sounds good. (Singing) Smelly cat, smelly--(stops singing)
 Hey Gunther, be a good little boy and bring me a whiskey.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is walking into the living room having just
 gotten up in the middle of the night.]
 Chandler: (sees Kathy is up watching TV) Hi!
 Kathy: Hi.
 Chandler: Jeez, at 2:30 in the morning, I didn't expect to have to fight over
 the remote.
 Kathy: I'm sorry, it's just this Ernie Cofax thing on in a few minutes I wanted
 to watch.
 Chandler: Oh my God! That's why I got up too!
 Kathy: You're kidding! Oh, I love him.
 Chandler: Hey, listen, I'm sorry about this afternoon, y'know, if I would've
 known you guys were... I never would've...
 Kathy: Oh please!
 Chandler: So ah, Joey tells me you two met in acting class.
 Kathy: Yeah, they teamed us up as partners. Joey picked three scenes for us to
 do; all of them had us making out.
 Chandler: That's a good thing actually, because ah, he used to have me rehearse
 with him.
 Kathy: (laughs) Oh-oh-oh-oh!
 Chandler: Is it on?
 Kathy: No, but this wonder broom is amazing!
 Chandler: Hey! (Runs over and gets his wonder broom)
 Kathy: Oh my God!


Chandler: Oh! It's on! It's on!
 (Chandler jumps into the canoe and sits down. The chick starts chirping and Chandler
 reaches down to pick him up.)
 Chandler: There we go little fella.
 Kathy: (laughs) What about the duck?
 Chandler: Well the duck can swim.
 Kathy: Oh, jeez. (Hits him)
 [Scene: Central Perk, the next night, Phoebe is finishing up her set.]
 Phoebe: (singing, drunk) My sticky shoes, my sticky-sticky shoes, why do you
 stick on me, ba-a-by! Thanks for the lights honey.
 All: Way to go, Phoebe!
 Monica: That cold makes you sound so great.
 Phoebe: It's fun, God I love how sexy I am. (Coughs really loudly.)
 Joey: Oh, Kath, we should get going. We're going to by hamsters.
 All: Ooh, that's great, I love those little guys.
 Kathy: No, no, it's not like that. I, I work for a medical researcher.
 Rachel: Well, have fun!
 Kathy: Okay.
 Phoebe: Well, I think it's great that the medical community is finally trying to
 help sick hamsters.
 Monica: Y'know what, I like Kathy.
 Chandler: Oh yeah, me too, she's so cool and pretty.
 Rachel: Yeah, she's...
 Chandler: She's smart and funny, y'know? We were up all last night talking, she
 said the funniest thing about--what?
 Rachel: You love her.
 Chandler: No, I don't.
 Phoebe: Yes, you do. Chandler loves Kathy.
 Ross: Come on, Pheebs lay off him.
 Chandler: Thank you, Ross.
 Ross: Yeah, he's a little sensitive right now, `cause he's so in love.
 Chandler: All right.
 All: Ohh!
 Chandler: All right.
 Monica: (turning around and doing that, 'I'm making out with someone,'
 thing with her hands) Ooh, umm, oh Kathy! Kathy, I love you! Oh! (She turns around and
 sees Gunther staring at her and stops suddenly.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are there.]
 Phoebe: So, I need to write some depressing stuff to go along with my new floozy
 voice, but nothing that sad has ever really happened to me.
 Monica: Oh umm, how about your mom dying, or having to live on the streets when
 you were 14?
 Phoebe: Uh-huh. Oh, yeah, I could write about the time my hair did that
 'Woo-hoo' thing.
 Ross: (entering) Hey!
 Monica: Hey!
 Phoebe: Hey.
 Ross: (loudly) So I'm going over to Amanda's tonight!
 Monica: Rachel's not here.
 Ross: Oh.
 Monica: How's it going with her?
 Ross: Great, actually. I'm thinking tonight, maybe the night. Yeah, I mean ah,
 the kids are gonna play together and then when they're asleep, I'm thinking Amanda and I
 break open a bottle of wine, and do a little 'playing' ourselves.
 Rachel: (entering, with a guy) Hi guys! This is Josh. Josh, these are my
 friends, and that's Ross.
 Monica: Hi, Josh.
 Phoebe: Hi.
 Josh: Dudes.
 Monica: So, did you play in college? (She points to his NYU Soccer (football for
 the rest of the world) sweatshirt he's wearing.)
 Josh: Oh, I still do. Next year, I hope to make varsity though.
 Rachel: Ross, didn't you ah, play soccer in High School? Oh no wait, that's
 right. You just organized their game schedules on your Commodore 64.
 Josh: Well, it's getting late, I've got to get to the game, so I'm gonna...
 head.
 Rachel: Okay. (He starts to leave, and Rachel grabs him and gives him a
 passionate kiss.) I'll miss you.
 Josh: Dope! (exits)
 Phoebe: Wow, cute one!
 Monica: Very!
 Rachel: I know, isn't he great? It's so nice to finally be in a fun
 relationship, y'know? There's nothing boring about him, and ah, I bet he's never set foot
 in a museum.
 Ross: Well maybe he'll get to go soon, like on a class trip or something.
 Rachel: Y'know what else is really great about him, oh, what is the word for the
 adult that doesn't have dinosaur toys in their bedroom?
 Ross: Oh! (He bangs his fists together.)
 Rachel: What was that?
 Ross: Monica knows.
 Monica: It's this dumb thing that Ross made up `cause he was trying to fool our
 parents. It's a way of giving the finger, without actually having to give it. I remember I
 cried the night you made it up, `cause it was the first time that I realized that I was
 actually cooler than my older brother.
 Ross: Well, I'm gonna go get ready, (Gives Monica the fist thing.) for my date
 tonight, so ah, I'll just_ head.
 Phoebe: Yeah, I should go to, `cause I'm playing in one hour. Hey, (clears her
 voice and in her normal voice) you guys should come hear me, ooh hear me. Ooh, (tries to
 sing) My sticky shoes--eww! Eww! I lost my sexy phlegm!
 [Scene: Amanda's apartment, Ross is arriving with Ben.]
 Amanda: (opening the door) Hi!
 Ross: Hi!
 Amanda: Hi Ben!
 Ross: Wow! You-you look great!
 Amanda: Thanks!
 Ross: (she lets him in) Okay! (to her son) Hey Tommy.
 Amanda: I am so glad that you could come over tonight.


Ross: Oh no-no-no, it's my pleasure.
 Amanda: Okay, well, my cell phone number is right here on the counter, please
 help yourself to anything in the fridge.
 Ross: What?
 Amanda: I appreciate this soo much, I've been trying to go out with this guy for
 like a month.
 Ross: I-I-I...
 Amanda: (noticing the bottle of wine he has) Oh, I don't mean to be a square,
 but I'd really appreciate it if you wait and drink your wine after the kids are asleep? Oh
 uh, thanks for this, I hope I can do the same for you sometime. (She leaves)
 Ross: Who wants to make some long distance calls?
 [Scene: A street, Chandler is buying a newspaper and notices Kathy running by.]
 Chandler: Kathy! Kathy! Hi!! Kathy! Kathy! (She doesn't hear him and keeps
 running, Chandler starts chasing her as the theme to The Mod Squad starts to
 play. First, a car almost hits him and then gets mustard splashed on him as he runs by a
 hot dog vendor.) Kathy! (He keeps running and gets tangled up in the leashes of five dogs,
 in desperation he throws his paper.) Fetch! Fetch it! (He frees himself and resumes the
 chase) Kathy! Kathy! Kathy! (He now trips and falls into a pile of garbage, he tries to
 get up and scream her name again but he has a piece of spinach in his mouth. He gets out
 of the garbage and starts crossing the street by running over the hoods of a couple of
 cabs.) Kathy! (He jumps in front of her and out of breath he says) Kathy.
 Kathy: Hey, Chandler! What are you doing here?
 Chandler: Oh, I just wanted to say, 'Hey!'
 Kathy: Hey!
 Chandler: Okay. (He walks away disgusted with himself.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is telling Monica about his new baby sitting job.]
 Monica: Oh come on! You're making it sound worse than it actually was.
 Ross: Her date tipped me ten dollars. (Monica laughs)
 (Phoebe runs into the kitchen with wet hair, opens the window, and sticks her head
 outside.)
 Ross: Pheebs, what are you doing?
 Phoebe: Okay, I wanna be sexy again so I'm trying to catch a cold. It should be
 easy, supposedly they're pretty common.
 Monica: Phoebe, you'll catch pneumonia.
 Chandler: (entering) Okay. You were right. I'm in love with Joey's girlfriend.
 Phoebe: What?!
 Ross: Are you serious?
 Phoebe: Well, how-how-how is that possible? You barely know her!
 Chandler: I don't know. I can't--I just, I can't get her out of my head. Y'know?
 I mean, I'm a very bad person. I'm a very, very bad person. I'm a horrible person. (he
 waits for a reaction, when he doesn't get one) No you're not Chandler! We still love you
 Chandler!
 Monica: (sneezes) Oh gosh, Phoebe, I think I caught your cold.
 Phoebe: You mean you stole it! (Monica sneezes again) Don't cover your mouth
 when you do that!
 (Joey and Kathy enter, laughing)
 Joey: Hey.
 Kathy: (to Chandler) We were just talking about you.
 Chandler: Really?!
 Joey: Yeah-yeah, I told her about the time you got drunk and fell asleep with
 your head in the toilet.
 Chandler: (laughs) Right in there!
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is playing Hide-and-Go-Seek with the chick and
 the duck.]
 Chandler: 99...100! Ready or not, here I come! (He opens his eyes and sees that
 the chick and the duck are still sitting in front of him) All right, let's go over the
 concept one more time.
 Joey: (entering) Hey!
 Chandler: Hey!
 Joey: Hey guys. (to Chandler) Listen uh, you wanna get some dinner with me and
 Kathy tonight?
 Chandler: Ohh, umm, y'know what, I already ate.
 Joey: It's 4:30.
 Chandler: Y'know I had a big meal on Monday, y'know. So that's just gonna get me
 straight through the week.
 Joey: Okay, I see what's going on here.
 Chandler: You-you do?
 Joey: Yeah! You don't like Kathy.
 Chandler: You got me.
 Joey: Yeah, you've been avoiding her ever since we started going out. Look, I
 made an effort to like Janice, now I think it's your turn to make an
 effort to like Kathy by going out to dinner with us. Right?
 Chandler: Yeah. Right.
 Joey: Good, and hey! My treat. (He turns to go into his bedroom then stops.) But
 that's only because you're not eating anything, right?
 Chandler: Okay.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is returning from a date with Josh, and when they
 get the door open, Rachel turns and passionately kisses Josh.]
 Monica: (lying on the couch suffering from her cold) Ross isn't here.
 Rachel: Oh. (She tries to walk away from Josh, by he keeps holding her) Stop it!
 Josh: So I'll see you at the party? Beer's beer man, 24, 7!!
 Rachel: Yeah! (Monica gives a sarcastic thumbs up) (Josh leaves) I am soo gonna
 marry that guy. (looking in her wallet) Ohhh!


Monica: What?
 Rachel: I think he's stealing from me.
 Monica: Why?
 Rachel: Because he's stealing from me!
 Phoebe: (entering) Hi! It's me. And soup. (to Rachel) Hey, I just saw Josh, he
 looks so yummy in your leather jacket.
 Rachel: Ughh! (Storms out after him)
 Phoebe: (to Monica) Here, now I don't eat chicken, so it's just noodle soup. And
 there's no chicken in the broth either, so it's really just... noodle water.
 Monica: Thank you so much Phoebe.
 Phoebe: (picking up Monica's used Kleenex and putting some in her pocket.) Sure.
 Monica: What are you doing with those?!
 Phoebe: But, I need your germs! I want my cold back! I miss my sexy voice.
 Monica: Sorry, Phoebe.
 Phoebe: It's okay. How's the soup?
 Monica: Umm. (nodding her head, 'Good.')
 (Monica sets the soup down and Phoebe picks it up and licks the rim.)
 Monica: Ohhhh!! Gross!!
 [Scene: A nightclub, Chandler is having dinner with Kathy and Joey.]
 Kathy: Ohh, God, guys, check it out, you can see that girl's underwear!
 Joey: Is she great or what?
 Kathy: (to Chandler) So? Huh? What do you think?
 Chandler: Ohh, she's-she's not really my type.
 Kathy: Not your type?! She's gorgeous!
 Chandler: Y'know what I think it is? It's the fishnet stockings. Y'know?
 Whenever I see a girl in fishnet stockings it reminds me of my father in fishnet
 stockings.
 Kathy: Okay. Understanding a little more why you're single. Ohh! Y'know, I have
 a friend you would like, she's really pretty. And then we could double date!
 Chandler: Uhh, no-no thanks.
 Kathy: Okay, I've got some ugly friends, and they're all available too.
 Chandler: Listen, I-I'm gonna grab a beer. (Leaves)
 Joey: (to Kathy) I'll be right back. (to Chandler) What was that?
 Chandler: What?
 Joey: Kathy was being really nice and you just walked away. I thought we had a
 deal.
 Chandler: Hey, look, what do you want from me?
 Joey: I want you to like her! But if that's too damned difficult for you, then
 the least you can do is pretend.
 Chandler: I am pretending.
 Joey: Well then, do it better!
 Chandler: Okay, what do you saw I go over there and say how much I like her?
 (Joey gives him a thumbs up) No-no it'll be good, I can tell her much I've been thinking
 about her. That I haven't stopped thinking about her since the moment I met her. That I'm
 so fantastically, over-the-top, wanna-slit-my-own-throat in love with her, that for every
 minute of every hour of every day I can't believe my own damn bad luck that you met her
 first!!
 Joey: Well, that's pretty good. But you might wanna tone it down a little.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are there.]
 Ross: (entering) Hey! So, uhh, Amanda just-just dropped me off. Yeah, that's one
 of the things I love about her, she's...uh, she's old enough to drive. (to Monica) So uhh,
 I guess you're not going to mom and dad's tonight?
 Monica: No, sorry.
 Rachel: Well where's Amanda?
 Monica: Hey Rach, could you get me some cough drops?
 Rachel: I mean y'know, I'm thinking. You could bring her, and you guys could go
 up to your old room, and not make out.
 Monica: Ross, cough drops, please?
 Ross: At least I know she's not going out with me to get into R rated movies.
 Rachel: Why don't you just marry her? Oh no, wait a minute you can't, I'm sorry
 I forgot, she's not a lesbian.
 Ross: You see Amanda and I have a very special...
 Monica: (interrupting) You have nothing! You're not even going out! You're her
 baby sitter! You have a 12-year-old girl's job!
 Rachel: (laughing) Ohh, that is soo sad.
 Monica: And what are you laughing at, Miss
 `My-keg-sucking-boyfriend-is-stealing-from-me!'
 (Ross starts laughing)
 Rachel: Hey, so he stole a couple bucks from me! At least he bought me something
 with it! (Shows her, her ring)
 Monica: That's mine!! Now, would you both please start acting like adults? And
 get me my cough drops!
 Ross: Fine.
 Rachel: Sorry.
 Ross: Here. (Hands her, her cough drops) (to Rachel) At least I made ten bucks
 in my relationship.
 Rachel: Y'know...
 (She does Ross's little gesture. In response Ross puts his hands behind his neck with
 his arms sticking straight out and starts flapping them together.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there with her guitar.]
 Phoebe: (singing) Platting goats are platting. Platting down the street.
 Platting goats are platting, leaving little treats. (to Gunther) Does it even work
 without my sexy voice?
 Gunther: I like it. (sneezes)
 Phoebe: Gunther, kiss me.
 Gunther: What?
 (Phoebe grabs Gunther and kisses him. He then falls to the couch in shock.)
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching TV as Joey and Kathy are laughing in
 Joey's bedroom. They get to be pretty loud so Chandler turns the TV way up.]


 The One With The Dirty Girl
 The One With The Dirty Girl
 Written by: Scott Silveri & Shana Goldberg-Meehan
 Transcribed by: Darcy & Julie Partridge
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross and a beautiful blonde (Cheryl) are standing outside. The
 rest of the gang is watching from inside.]
 Cheryl: So, thank you for the delicious dinner.
 Ross: You're welcome for a delicious dinner.
 [inside]
 Phoebe: Hey what are you guys looking at?
 Chandler: Ross and the most beautiful girl in the world.
 Phoebe: Yeah, come to papa.
 [Cheryl walks away and Ross walks inside. Everyone stares at him in disbelief.]
 Ross: I know!
 Monica: Probably the only time I'll ever say this, but did you see the ass
 on her?
 Chandler: Where did you, when did you, how did you... (Joey hits the back of
 Chandler's head) How did you get a girl like that?
 Rachel: Yeah, so what is she, like a... like a spokesmodel, or an aerobics
 instructor, what?
 Ross: Actually she's a paleontology doctoral candidate, specializing in the
 centazoic era.
 Chandler: Okay, but that's, like, the easiest era.
 Ross: I've seen her at work, but I always figured, ah-huh? But, uh, I made her
 dinner. We had a great time. And we're going out again tomorrow.
 Rachel: Well maybe she and her friends are just having a contest to see who can
 bring home the biggest geek.
 Ross: Fine by me; hope she wins.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there. Chandler enters.]
 Chandler: Hi. You guys have any wrapping paper?
 Phoebe: Oo! Is it for my birthday present?
 Chandler: Phebes, it was your birthday, like, months ago.
 Phoebe: Yeah, but remember you said you ordered something special, and it just
 hasn't come yet?
 Chandler: Well, I have a call in about that.
 Phoebe: 'Kay.
 Chandler: Actually, this is for Kathy's birthday. It's an early edition of her
 favorite book.
 Rachel: Oh, The Velveteen Rabbit! Oh my God, when the boy's love makes the
 rabbit real!
 Chandler: Okay, but don't touch it, because you fingers have destructive oils.
 Rachel: Huh. Well, then you'd better keep it away from Ross's hair. So this
 is pretty rare. How did you get that?
 Chandler: Oh, it wasn't a big deal. I just went to a couple of bookstores, talked
 to a couple of dealers... called a couple of the author's grandchildren.
 Rachel: Oh, honey, that's so sweet.
 Phoebe: Yeah, and what a great way to say, 'I secretly love you, roommate's
 girlfriend!'
 Chandler: It doesn't say that. Does it?
 Ross: How do you think it's gonna look when you get her something incredibly
 meaningful and expensive and her boyfriend Joey gives her an orange?
 Chandler: Okay, all right, I'll just uh, make sure that uh, Joey gets her something
 really great.
 Phoebe: It's gotta be better than that book. Oo! Like a crossbow!
 Monica: (Entering from her bedroom, talking on the phone) Yeah, once again, I am
 sorry. Thank you. Bye. (To the gang) I just had to turn down a job catering a funeral for
 sixty people.
 Rachel: Oh my God! What happened?
 Monica: Sixty guests.
 Ross: So, uh, why did you have to turn it down?
 Monica: Because I don't have the money or the equipment to handle something that
 big on such short notice. I mean there's no way.
 Phoebe: Wow, what is with all the negativity? You sound like Monican't , not
 Monican... (Monica looks almost puzzled) ...Monica. Look, you know, you have been playing
 around with this catering thing for over three years. Do you want to be a caterer or not?
 Monica: I don't know.
 Phoebe: There you go, that's the spirit! Okay! Now, if you need money, I will lend
 you money, but just get moving!
 Monica: Really? Cause I'd need like $500 for all the food and the supplies and
 stuff.
 Phoebe: Okay! It's worth it, if it will get you moving. You haven't worked in
 months.
 Monica: Well, you're not working either.
 Phoebe: Yes, but I'm doing this.
 Monica: Yeah, that'd be great! Thank you!
 [Joey enters]
 Joey: Hey!
 Everyone: Hey.
 Kathy: Can I borrow the keys to your apartment?
 Joey: Why?
 [Kathy whispers something in Joey's ear]
 Joey: You can pee here!
 Kathy: Ahahaha... haha.. yes I can, of course. Excuse me.
 Chandler: It's okay, the duck's using our bathroom anyway. (Kathy goes into the
 bathroom.) Hey Joe! What are you getting Kathy for her birthday?
 Joey: We've only been going out for a couple of weeks, do you think I gotta get her
 something?
 Everyone: Yeah!


Rachel: Yes, you have to get her something, and it should be something really nice.
 Joey: Oh, I know...
 Rachel: And not one of your coupons for an hour of 'Joey Love.'
 [cut to a new scene, also in Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting, Phoebe
 is nearby.]
 Phoebe: Ooo, a crossword! Can I help?
 Rachel: No! I'm sorry, honey, it's just that last week I got all but three answers
 and I really want to finish a whole one without any help.
 Phoebe: Fine. But you can't help me develop my new universal language.
 [Monica enters]
 Monica: Hey!
 Rachel: Hey, how'd it go?
 Monica: Oh my God, it was the best funeral ever! I mean, everyone loved the food,
 and guess what? I even got another funeral for tomorrow the dead-guy-from-today's
 best friend. I mean, it is like I am the official caterer for that accident!
 Phoebe: Mon! I'm so happy for you!
 Monica: Thanks. Like, check out my new catering stuff. (Picks up two frying
 pans) Look at this! I'm an omelet station! Omelet? Made to order!
 Phoebe: I'll have one, please. Plus my money.
 Monica: Oh. Well, I didn't realize that you needed it back right away. I mean, you
 told me to go and be a caterer. So I went. I beed. I mean, I... I used it to buy all this
 stuff. But look I've got another job tomorrow, so I'll pay you back with the money I
 make from that.
 Phoebe: Oh. Okay. Oo, sorry I acted like a bank.
 Monica: Okay.
 [Scene: Outside Cheryl's apartment, Ross and Cheryl are kissing]
 Ross: (moved by the kiss) Huh...
 Cheryl: Um, would you like to come in?
 Ross: Did homo-erectus hunt with wooden tools?
 Cheryl: According to recent findings!
 [They go into the apartment. Inside the apartment it looks like a sewage dump exploded
 and landed in her living room. There are clothes and food and junk covering every square
 inch of space. I mean pigs have nicer pens. Ross is completely shocked.]
 Cheryl: (throwing food around the room) Here Mitzi! Here Mitzi!
 Ross: Mitzi is.....
 Cheryl: My hamster. I hope she's okay, I haven't seen her in a while. Have a seat.
 Ross: (mouths 'where?') Uh... Oh hey, do you, uh (steps on some garbage
 and falters) ...do you have any, um, Cinnamon Fruit Toasties?
 Cheryl: What?
 Ross: Well, I do! Why don't we go back to my place, light a couple of candles,
 break open a box of Cinnamon Fruit Toasties, uh...
 Cheryl: I'd rather not.
 Ross: Oh, yeah, why not?
 Cheryl: Okay, um, don't take this the wrong way, but your place kinda has a weird
 smell.
 [Scene: A kitchen where Phoebe and Monica are finishing up a catering job]
 Monica: Oh, is everything in the car?
 Phoebe: Yes. Did you settle the bill?
 Monica: No. I hate this part.
 Phoebe: Oh, look what we almost left. (Picks up a coffee maker)
 Monica: No, that's not mine.
 Phoebe: Oh, all right. Oh! Look what we almost took!
 [cut to the living room of the same dwelling, where the funeral guests are mingling.
 Monica enters.]
 Monica: Excuse me, Mrs. Burkart? Well, we're all cleaned up in the kitchen.
 Mrs. Burkart: Oh, good. Thank you.
 Monica: Um, and, well there's the.. the the small matter of...
 Mrs. Burkart: Dear?
 Monica: Just the matter of ...payment?
 Mrs. Burkart: (in grief) Jack used to handle the finances! (Breaks into tears)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is on the couch still doing the crossword. Chandler
 is in the kitchen.]
 Rachel: You know what we should all do? Go see a musical.
 Chandler: (confused) Sure...
 Rachel: And you know which one we should see? The 1996 Tony award winner. Do you
 happen to know the name of that one?
 Chandler: I don't know... um, Grease?
 Rachel: No....
 Chandler: Rent?
 Rachel: Yes! Rent!
 Chandler: Okay, so when do you want to go?
 Rachel: What? Oh, I'm sorry, I can't, I'm busy.
 Joey: (entering the apartment) Hey. Man, it is so hard to shop for girls.
 Chandler: Yes, it is, at Office Max.
 Rachel: What did you get her? (Joey opens up a rectangular black box and holds up a
 pen.)
 Chandler: A pen.
 Joey: It's two gifts in one. It's a pen that's also a clock! Huh?
 Chandler: Huh-huh! You can't give her that.
 Joey: Why not?
 Chandler: Because she's not eleven! And it's not the seventh night of Hanukkah!
 Rachel: Okay, honey, what he means by that, is ...while this is a very nice gift,
 maybe it's just not something a boyfriend gives?


Joey: Sure it is! She needs a pen for work, she's writing, she turns it over....
 'Whoa! It's time for my date with Joey!'
 Chandler: All right, look, look. What did... what did you get for Angela Delveccio
 for her birthday?
 Joey: She didn't have a birthday while we were going out.
 Chandler: For three years?
 Joey: (whining and heading toward the door) Look, it's too late, and I got an
 audition. I can't shop anymore! I...
 Chandler: All right. I will go out and I will try to find something for her, okay?
 Joey: Thanks, man. And oh, while you're at it, could you get her a card?
 Chandler: Would you like me to write her a little poem as well?
 Joey: Or... just get a card that has a poem already in it.
 [Scene: Back in the kitchen at the funeral. Phoebe is there, Monica enters.]
 Phoebe: But Mon, you have to get our money!
 Monica: Oh, Phoebe, she couldn't stop crying! With those thick glasses, her tears
 looked giant.
 Phoebe: I know, it's tough. You know what the first thing I did after my mother's
 funeral was?
 Monica: What?
 Phoebe: Pay the caterer! Look, I've had a lot of jobs, okay, and there are some
 people who just always try to get out of paying. It's either, you know, 'that massage
 wasn't long enough, or, 'I don't recognize any of those songs,' or, you know,
 'these sombreros aren't big enough. Bad little white girl!'
 Monica: Okay. So what do you.... you think she's faking?
 Phoebe: Well, it seems like there weren't any tears 'til you showed her the bill.
 Monica: Phoebe, she sounded pretty upset to me.
 [cut to the living room where Mrs. Burkart is now performing.]
 Mrs. Burkart: (singing) You're a grand ol' flag, you're a high-flying flag, and
 forever in peace may you wave....
 Phoebe: She seems fine now.
 Mrs. Burkart: (singing) ...emblem of the land I love. The home of....
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Joey are standing and talking, Ross is tying a
 tie.]
 Joey: So, you just left? Her place was really that bad?
 Ross: You know how you throw your jacket on a chair at the end of the day?
 Joey: Yeah.
 Ross: Well, like that, only instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage. And instead
 of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day, it's the end of
 time, and garbage is all that has survived! (Ross takes the loosely tied tie off and hands
 it to Joey who puts it on.) Here.
 Joey: Wow. Thanks. So, uh, what happened?
 Ross: What do you mean? Nothing happened! I had to get out of there.
 Joey: All right, so... next time, you take her to your place.
 Ross: No, I tried that. She says it has a weird smell.
 Joey: What kind of smell?
 Ross: I don't know. Soap?
 Joey: All right, listen, Ross... you like this girl, right?
 Ross: Yeah.
 Joey: You wanna see her again, right?
 Ross: Yeah.
 Joey: So you're gonna have to do it in the mess!
 Ross: Yeah, okay you're right.
 Joey: Yeah.
 Ross: I mean, uh, who... who cares about a little sloppiness?
 Joey: Yeah!
 Ross: It's, uh... it's endearing, really.
 Joey: All right! Now you go get that beautiful pig! (Ross hesitates, looks unsure)
 Oink!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel, Rachel is there, Chandler enters.]
 Chandler: Okay, all right. I just spent the entire afternoon looking for a present
 for Kathy that would be better than the rabbit.
 Rachel: Any luck?
 Chandler: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I found this great place called 'Invisible things
 for Kathy.' (Motions to an imaginary pile of presents next to him.) Can you give me a
 hand with all this stuff?
 Rachel: All right, look. Why don't you just return the book, let Joey give her the
 clock pen, and you give her something worse than that. Like... a regular pen.
 Chandler: She's really going to love this, you know? The bottom line is I want her
 to have it, even if I don't get to be the one who gives it to her.
 Rachel: Aw, honey, that's so sweet.
 Chandler: Yeah? You don't think it's just pathetic?
 Rachel: Oh! Pathetic! (Grabs the crossword puzzle and starts writing.)
 Joey: (entering) Hey! I'm meeting Kathy in ten minutes! I've been looking all over
 for you!
 Chandler: Where?
 Joey: Our place, the hall! I...
 Chandler: I got something for her. (Joey picks up the package, shakes it next to
 his ear, can't hear anything, switches ears, shakes it again.) It's a book!


Joey: (Unimpressed) A book? (Suddenly interested) Is it like a book that's also a
 safe?
 Chandler: No, it's a book that's just a book, okay? It's an early edition of the Velveteen
 Rabbit. It was her favorite book as a kid. So, uh, just... let me know if she likes
 it, okay?
 Joey: You got it. Thanks man. Thanks for doing this, I owe you one. (Joey leaves,
 comes back in.) Oh, hey! There wasn't any change from that twenty, was there?
 Chandler: No, it came out to an even twenty.
 Joey: Wow. That's almost as much as a new book.
 [Scene: In the living room at the funeral]
 Mrs. Burkart: (singing) Jeepers, creepers, where'd you get those peepers? Jeepers,
 creepers, where'd you get those eyes?
 [cut to Monica and Phoebe in the kitchen]
 Phoebe: You didn't get the money, did you?
 Monica: Maybe I can try at intermission? Phoebe, come on... you know what? Let's
 just go!
 Phoebe: No! Hey, we're not leaving until we get paid! I don't know who she thinks
 she is! Enough is enough! (Phoebe goes into the living room.) Hey, widow?
 Mrs. Burkart: (Singing) Come on along and listen to...
 Phoebe: Okay, Widow!
 Mrs. Burkart: (Singing) ...the lullabye of...
 Phoebe: Excuse me. Excuse me! (Mrs. Bukart stops singing) Thanks. Um, clearly this
 is a very, very hard time for you. Um, but, um, we provided a service, and we deserve to
 be paid because you ate that service, and, um, we are not leaving here until we're paid
 every penny. 'Cause you know what, lady? We're part time caterers, and we have no place
 else to go.
 Mrs. Burkart: All right. I'll get my bag.
 Phoebe: Good. (Phoebe and Mrs. Burkart go into the other room, leaving Monica with
 everyone staring at her.)
 Monica: I'm gonna leave some cards here. Please think of us for you next event.
 [Scene: Outside Cheryl's apartment.]
 Cheryl: So you want to come inside?
 Ross: (mustering up courage) Yes. Yes I do. (They go inside.)
 Cheryl: I'll be right back. Make yourself comfortable. (Ross attempts to clear a
 place for his coat and fold it small enough to fit. Then hit sits on the couch. Something
 falls on him from above and he brushes his neck off frantically.)
 Cheryl: (sneaking up behind Ross) Guess who?
 Ross: Department of Sanitation?
 Cheryl: It's me!
 Ross: Oh! (She kisses him) Ah. (They kiss more, and move down onto the couch.
 Ross's hand moves under some garbage) Aw! (His hand is covered with something brown and
 gooey.)
 Cheryl: What?
 Ross: (trying to make his disgust into lust) Ah, Cheryl!
 Cheryl: Oh, Ross!
 [They sit up, moaning in excitement, and Cheryl straddles Ross. Ross finds a slice of
 bologna and moans higher and louder, then a bag of potato chips on the coffee table starts
 to move. Ross throws Cheryl off his lap, grabs a tennis racket and a toilet brush and
 starts pounding the bag.]
 Cheryl: Wait! No! No! It's my hamster! It's Mitzi!
 Ross: Oh my god! I'm so sorry, Cheryl. I must have freaked out.
 Cheryl: (looking in the bag) Oh, thank god, it's not Mitzi. It's just a rat.
 [Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is sitting on the couch alone working on a crossword
 puzzle. Gunther is there, going into the back room.]
 Rachel: I did it! Oh! I finished it! I did it all by myself! And there's nobody to
 hug!
 [From the background we hear a crash and Gunther comes running out of the back room,
 pushing people aside, reaching for Rachel.]
 Gunther: Move!
 [Gunther slips and falls just before reaching the back of the couch. Monica and Phoebe
 come into Central Perk.]
 Rachel: Hey! Hey, you guys, I finished the crossword all by myself! Hug me!
 [Gunther gets up slowly from behind the couch and walks away sadly]
 Phoebe: Uh... yay!
 Rachel: Thanks!
 Monica: Oh, that's great! Congratulations!
 Rachel: Thank you! Hey, how'd the catering go?
 Monica: Oh, it was great! The widow wouldn't pay, so Phoebe yelled at her 'til she
 did.
 Phoebe: Yeah. I'm a hard ass.
 Monica: And I'm a wuss. And we should be partners.
 Phoebe: Yeah. Hard Ass and Wuss. We could fight crime!
 Monica: Wait a minute, Phoebe! We should be partners. We should be
 catering partners. I mean, think about it! You're not working right now, and we have such
 a great time together!
 Phoebe: Okay!
 Monica: I can cook and you can take care of the money.
 Phoebe: Yeah. Oh! It'll be like I have a wife in the fifties!
 Both: (screaming with excitement) Aah!
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is there, Joey enters.]


 The One Where Chandler Crosses A Line
 The One Where Chandler Crosses a Line
 Written by: Adam Chase
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Joey and Chandler are there eating
 breakfast.]
 Chandler: (entering in a bathrobe) I just walked in the bathroom and saw Kathy
 naked! It was like torture!
 Ross: Y'know if we ever go to war and you're captured, you're in for a
 big surprise.
 Chandler: It just keeps getting worse and worse! Y'know? I mean it's bad
 enough that I'm in love with my roommates girlfriend which by the way, I think
 she knows. Because every time we're in the room together there's this weird like
 energy between us. And call me crazy, but I think she likes me too. And now I have seen
 her naked. I mean at least when I've seen her with clothes on, I could imagine her
 body was like covered in boles or something. But there are no boles, she's smooth!
 Smooth! (leaves)
 (Pause)
 Phoebe: Wow! Could everyone totally see up his robe?
 All: Yeah! Oh my God!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is getting a phone number from a woman (Casey) as Chandler
 watches from the doorway.]
 Casey: Here you go.
 Joey: Great! All right, so I'll call you later.
 Casey: Great! (leaves)
 Chandler: (rushing up) Hey-Hey-Hey! Who was that?
 Joey: That would be Casey. We're going out tonight.
 Chandler: Goin' out, huh? Wow! Wow! (Does a little celebration dance) So
 things didn't work out with Kathy, huh? Bummer.
 Joey: No, things are fine with Kathy. I'm having a late dinner with her
 tonight, right after my early dinner with Casey.
 Chandler: (shocked) What?
 Joey: Yeah-yeah. And the craziest thing is that I just ate a whole pizza by
 myself! (Laughs)
 Chandler: Wait! You're going out with Kathy!
 Joey: Yeah. Why are you getting so upset?
 Chandler: Well, I'm upset for you. I mean, having sex with an endless
 line of beautiful women must be very unfulfilling for you. (He can't believe he just
 sad that.)
 Joey: What is the big deal? It's not like we're exclusive.
 Chandler: Look, Joey, Kathy is clearly not fulfilling your emotional needs. But
 Casey, I mean granted I only saw the back of her head, but I got this sense that
 she's-she's smart, and funny, and gets you.
 Joey: You got all that from the back of her head?
 Chandler: All right look, I think it's time for you to settle down. Y'know?
 Make a choice, pick a lane.
 Joey: Who's Elaine?
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Monica are sitting on the couch playing cards,
 and Phoebe is working on a new song.]
 Phoebe: (singing) 'Little, tiny Tarzan, swinging on a nose hair.
 Swinging with the greatest of ease ' Darn it! Now, I don't know who to
 get to the next verse.
 Ross: Oh, you could just go uh, 'greatest of ease  (plays air
 guitar) BAH-bah-bha-bhannn.' Then go right into it.
 Phoebe: Yeah, ooh, I like that! Yeah. Wait! How do you know about
  bah-bah-bha-bhan?'
 Ross: Well umm, y'know, I used to play.
 Phoebe: Oh yeah, that's right, the keyboards, huh?
 Ross: Yeah, just a little in high school, but then I really got into it in
 college. I mean that's-that's when I really found my sound.
 (Monica is taking a drink as Ross says that, laughs, and snorts her drink.)
 Monica: Oh God! Orange juice just came out of my nose, but it was totally worth
 it. Oh my God, I completely forgot about your sound.
 Ross: Yeah.
 Monica: He used to lock himself in the basement for hours. No one was every
 allowed to hear, 'The Sound.'
 Phoebe: I wanna hear 'The Sound.'
 Ross: Really? No. I mean, nah, I haven't played in so long, and-and, well
 it's-it's really personal stuff, y'know?
 Phoebe: Come on, play that funky music white boy.
 Monica: Yeah!
 Ross: No, you guys, I mean my keyboards are all the way up in No, yeah,
 okay. (Runs out.)
 [Cut to later that same day, Ross has retrieved his keyboard and is about to debut,
 'The Sound.']
 Ross: Okay, guys.
 Chandler: All right! Bring it on, you
 Ross: Here we go. (Plays one note) Y'know, I've-I've never played
 my stuff for anyone before, so it's important that-that you understand it's
 about communicating very private emotions. (Plays another note) Y'know, umm, you
 should-you should think of umm, my work as wordless sound poems. That's what
 I'm
 Chandler: (interrupting) Oh my God! Play!
 (Ross starts to play. He plays a key that has a back beat sound attached to it. Over
 the background music he plays the sound of a barking dog, a mooing cow, a laser beam,
 someone coughing, a jackhammer, a doorbell, a police siren, a ray gun, breaking dishes,
 and for a closer he plays the sound of a loud crash. Basically, the music sucks.)


Monica: (At a loss for words) Boy, that was-that was, umm  terrific.
 Chandler: Really, bitchin'!
 Phoebe: Wow, it was so wow!
 Ross: Really?! I mean, really?!!
 Rachel: Yeah, I mean, you should play in public!
 Ross: Wow! Thanks, you guys. That's uh ohhh, I wanna, I wanna play you
 another piece! Umm! Uh-oh! I left my uh, helicopter sounds on another disk. I'll be
 right back! Okay? (Runs to fetch them) This is so nice, I'm I am so
 (starts to break up and leaves)
 Monica: Oh God bless my dad sound proofing the basement!
 Rachel: Oh, I can't believe I ever let him touch me with those fingers.
 Phoebe: What are you guys talking about, I loved it! It was soo moving. Oh, plus
 it's just, it's so different from the stuff you usually hear.
 Chandler: You mean like, music?
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching Yasmein Bleeth running on TV, and the
 duck starts quacking.]
 Chandler: Yeah, I know what you're thinkin'! Yes, yes, your breasts
 are just as firm and juicy.
 (There's a knock on the door.)
 Chandler: Come in!
 Kathy: (entering) Hey! (sees what's on TV) Oh God, is that Baywatch?
 Chandler: Uh yes, but uh, I just watch it for the articles.
 Kathy: So is Joey around?
 Chandler: No-no, he's not back yet, but he'll be here any minute. So
 uh, come on in. Have a seat. Bow or stern?
 Kathy: I uh, don't really have a preference. You?
 Chandler: I like it in the stern. (Realizes what he just said.)  of the
 boat. (The phone rings, and he answers it.) (on phone) Hello.
 Joey: (on the other end at a pay phone) Hey, it's me. Listen Casey and I
 were on our way back and had a little car trouble.
 Chandler: What happened?
 Joey: We broke down on the Parkway, so I have to walk back and get some
 transmission fluid. And hey, listen could you please tell Kathy that I'll be there as
 soon as I can.
 Chandler: Why can't you tell her?
 Joey:  Cause I only have one quarter, and I think my time is about
 to (he stops talking suddenly)
 Chandler: Joey! Joey!!
 Joey: Yeah?
 Chandler: I thought your time ran out.
 Joey: Me too, but I guess I do have a couple of more (his time runs out for
 real)
 Chandler: (to Kathy) Uhh, that was Joey. He's running a little late, he
 says he's sorry.
 Kathy: Oh.
 Chandler: So I guess it's just uh, you and me then.
 Kathy: Oh, okay.
 Chandler: Yeah, I think it is!
 Kathy: So what did you do today?
 Chandler: Oh, I had an appointment to get my haircut
 Kathy: (interrupting) Oh, it looks great!
 Chandler:  and then it got canceled.
 Kathy: Well, I could cut it.
 Chandler: Really?! You do that?
 Kathy: Yeah, I do. Of course, I learned at my aunt's dog grooming shop, but
 hey, what do you say?
 Chandler: Dog grooming huh? Okay, just don't make my tail too poofy.
 [Cut to later, Kathy is cutting Chandler's hair.]
 Kathy: You have really great hair.
 Chandler: Well, thanks. I grow it myself. (Kathy is running her fingers through
 his hair, and Chandler catches himself enjoying it too much.) Y'know who also has
 great hair is Joey!
 Kathy: Yes! Yeah! Joey has great hair! Umm, I'm basically done here. Just
 let me get this off your neck.
 (Kathy leans in really close and Chandler mouths 'Oh my God.' She moves
 around in front of him and kneels at his feet.)
 Chandler: What-what  cha doin'?
 Kathy: Checking to see if it's even.
 Chandler:  Kay.
 Kathy: Looks good.
 (They lean in to kiss and are interrupted by the phone.)
 Chandler: (jumping up to answer the phone) Oh the phone! The phone's making
 sounds! (On phone) Hello!
 Joey: (on phone) Hey dude, it's me.
 Chandler: Hey it's Joey!
 Joey: Listen uh, I'm really sorry, it looks like I'm gonna be stuck
 here for a while. I got the transmission fluid, but when I went to put it in the car, the
 transmission wasn't there!
 Chandler: What?
 Joey: Yeah, it must've fallen out a few blocks back. I just figured we hit
 a dog.
 Chandler: Okay.
 Joey: Listen uh, could you put Kathy on, I wanna apologize.
 Chandler: Oh yeah man. (to Kathy) Joey. (Hands her the phone.)
 Kathy: (on phone) Hey. (listens) Oh no it's fine, don't worry about
 it. (listens) Yeah-no, stop apologizing, it's okay. (listens) Yeah! I'll talk to
 you tomorrow. (hangs up) (to Chandler) I should uh, probably go.
 Chandler: Yeah. Yes! Yeah.
 (Kathy leaves and Chandler groans in agony. Kathy knocks on the door and Chandler opens
 it.)
 Kathy: I forgot my purse.
 Chandler: Oh.
 (They kiss, passionately.)
 Kathy: No, I really did forget my purse.
 (They kiss again.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, continued from earlier. Chandler and Kathy are still
 kissing, then they stop suddenly.]


Chandler: No-no-no-no, this is bad! It's bad! This is bad!
 Kathy: Horrible!
 Chandler: Wait the uh, the kiss or the situation?
 Kathy: No-no-no, the kiss was good.
 Chandler: Okay!
 Kathy: No, but that's bad!
 Chandler: Ooh! Yes! Okay! Here's what we do, we-we forget it happened.
 Kathy: What?!
 Chandler: Okay, we-we swallow our feelings. Even if it means we're unhappy
 forever. Sound good?
 Kathy: Can you really do that?
 Chandler: I have to; he's my best friend, and you're seeing him.
 Kathy: Chandler, I like Joey a lot, but with you
 Chandler: (interrupting) Oh-no-no-no! Don't! Don't! See-see,
 you're getting me confused, I'm starting to urn.
 Kathy: I'm sorry. If you wanna pretend that nothing happened, I can try.
 Chandler: I-I think we have too.
 Kathy: Okay. Bye.
 Chandler: Bye. (Kathy leaves and Chandler wonders over to and leans up against
 the door.) Are you still out there?
 Kathy: (outside the door) No. (Chandler opens the door and they kiss again.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is performing, his music hasn't improved.]
 Ross: (His voice is altered to sound like a computer.) Electrifying. (He plays
 the sound of a ticking clock.) Emphatic time-time-time
 Monica: (to Rachel and Phoebe) Y'know, there's a Starbucks about
 three blocks down.
 Phoebe: (pushing Monica back onto the couch) It's so inspired! Look at him!
 Look at him go!
 [cut back to Ross who finally finishes his so-called song with the same crash from
 before. He gets some applause, mainly  cause he's done.]
 Ross: (with the altered voice) Thank you guys-guys-guys
 Monica: (to Phoebe) Hey, aren't you up next?
 Phoebe: Oh no, I'm not playing tonight.
 Rachel: Why not?
 Phoebe: I can't follow Ross! It'd be like those bicycle ridding chimps
 that followed The Beetles. No.
 Monica: Phoebe, Ross sucks!
 Rachel: Phoebe, the place has emptied because of him.
 Phoebe: Oh my God, he's not even appreciated in his own time. I would give
 anything to not be appreciated in my own time!
 (Rachel and Monica look at each other, and agree on something without saying anything.)
 Monica: Okay. Umm, Phoebe, you suck too.
 Rachel: Yeah, Phoebe you're  awful!
 Phoebe: You guys. You suck too. (She hugs them both.)
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is opening the door, but Chandler has the chain on
 it.]
 Joey: Aww man! I can't believe I locked myself out again! (He knocks on the
 door.)
 Chandler: Hang on buddy! (He goes over and unlocks the door and opens it to
 reveal a fully furnished apartment.)
 Joey: (rushing in) Oh my God! What happened here? Did you do all this?
 Chandler: I sure did.
 Joey: Why?
 Chandler: Well, I just thought it'd make me feel good to do something nice
 for my friend.
 Joey: Well, you're amazing.
 Chandler: Oh no-no-no. This is amazing. (He goes over and
 presses a button on a remote control that opens the entertainment center doors revealing
 the TV.)
 Joey: (very excited) A TV as if it appears from nowhere! That's the dream!
 Man, how did you afford this stuff?
 Chandler: Well, y'know I'm 29. I mean who needs a savings account.
 Joey: Oh, you are the best friends anyone has ever had.
 Chandler: Oh, I don't know.
 Joey: Oh-no-no-no, you are! You do this, you give me the great advice, and hey
 listen, I was thinking about what you said yesterday about focusing on one woman, I'm
 gonna do that.
 Chandler: You mean with Casey.
 Joey: No-no-no, I think I'm gonna see how things go with Kathy. She's
 pretty cool.
 Chandler: Or Casey.
 Joey: No-no, Kathy.
 Chandler: Could be Casey.
 Joey: No. No, Kathy.
 Chandler: Consider Casey.
 Joey: Y'know what I think? I think somebody's got a little crush on
 Casey. How  bout I fix you two up? What do you think?
 Chandler: That all the pieces of my life are falling right into place!
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross has just finished playing.]
 Ross: (to Phoebe) Hey!
 Phoebe: Hey! You were really great! You were really, really great!
 Ross: Oh, thanks, thanks. So Monica tells me that uh, you don't want to
 play anymore because me and y'know my talent. Is that true?
 Phoebe: Well, kinda. Yeah. Yeah.
 Ross: Pheebs
 Phoebe: Yeah, I-I can't I mean y'know I was trying to be really
 y'know okay and upbeat about it, I just I feel so dwarfed by your musical gift.
 I
 Ross: See but, Pheebs that-that is the exact opposite intent of my music.
 Y'know my music is-is meant to inspire, and if it bothers you this much, then I
 I won't play anymore.
 Phoebe: Oh no. No-no-no, don't do that! How could I live with myself if I
 knew I was depriving the world of your music.
 Ross: Yeah, okay.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Monica are sitting on the couch and Phoebe is getting
 coffee as Chandler enters. Ross is also there.]


Ross: Hey Chandler! Saw the new furniture. Very nice.
 Monica: Yeah! Joey has the best boyfriend ever!
 Chandler: I kissed Kathy.
 Ross: What?
 Monica: Are you serious?
 Phoebe: Does Joey know?
 Chandler: No. Is there anyway, anyway you think he'll
 understand this?
 Monica: You obviously haven't screwed over a lot of your friends. (They all
 look at her) Which we all appreciate.
 Ross: No the-the sad thing is, if you had told him how you felt before you
 kissed her, knowing Joey, he probably just would've just stepped aside.
 Chandler: Oh, don't say that! Don't say that. That's not true. Is
 it?
 Phoebe: I think maybe, yeah.
 Monica: He loves you.
 Chandler: Then why didn't you tell me to do that?!!
 Ross: Well, I said-I said something to Phoebe.
 Phoebe: Yeah! No, that's right. And I thought it was a really good idea.
 Rachel: I know, I remember that!
 Monica: I remember you did.
 Chandler: God!! (Sits down in disgust.) What am I gonna do?!
 Rachel: Well, Chandler, you're gonna have to tell him.
 Chandler: Why?! Why do I have to tell him?!
 Rachel: Because you do.
 Chandler: Yeah, I know.
 Ross: Hey, would it be okay if I wrote a song about this.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching TV as Chandler enters.]
 Chandler: Hey!
 Joey: Hey! Samboucha Margarita?
 Chandler: Is that a real thing?
 Joey: Well, we only had samboucha, so it is now.
 Chandler: Listen ah, Joe, I-I need to, I need to talk to you about something.
 Joey: What's up?
 Chandler: It's-it's about Kathy. Umm, uh, I like her. I like her a lot
 actually.
 Joey: You do?
 Chandler: Yeah.
 Joey: Well, you're timing couldn't be better. She's not my
 girlfriend anymore.
 Chandler: What?
 Joey: Yeah, she broke up with me.
 Chandler: Oh uh, when?
 Joey: Just now, after acting class. At first I thought she was doing some kind
 of scene, that's why I let people watch.
 Chandler: Oh man, I am so sorry. Are, are you okay?
 Joey: Well, I've been better. But, I'm all right. So you like her huh?
 Chandler: Yes, but I-I uh, don't have too.
 Joey: No-no-no, no it's uh, it's okay.
 Chandler: Yeah?
 Joey: Yeah. You know why?  Cause you came to me first.
 Chandler: Well, I thought that would be the best thing to do.
 Joey: But hey, listen just so you know, you might have you're work cut out
 for you.  Cause when I talked to her, I kinda got the feeling that she's into
 some other guy. So
 Chandler: See uh, that's-that's actually what I wanted to talk to you
 about. I-I think I know who the other guy is.
 Joey: Who?
 Chandler: It's me. I'm the other guy.
 Joey: What?
 Chandler: Yeah, I mean when you were late last night, Kathy and I got to
 talking, and one thing to another and
 Joey: And what?! Did you sleep with her?!
 Chandler: No! No! No! I just kissed her.
 Joey: What?!! That's even worse!!
 Chandler: How is that worse?!
 Joey: I don't know! But it's the same!
 Chandler: Look, I'm sorry! But there's nothing I can do, I think
 I'm in love with her!
 Joey: Who cares?! You went behind my back! I would never do that to you!
 Chandler: You're right, I have no excuses! I was totally over the line.
 Joey: Over the line?! You-you're-you're so far past the line, that
 you-you can't even see the line! The line is a dot to you!
 Chandler: Yes. Yes! Right! And I feel horrible. You have to believe me!
 Joey: Is that why you bought all this stuff?! (Chandler makes a face like
 'Well, kinda.') Well, y'know what I will not watch your TV, I will not
 listen to your stereo, and there's a cinnamon raisin loaf in the new bread maker that
 I'm not gonna eat! You know why?!
 Chandler: Probably because
 Joey: Because it's all tainted with your betrayal. From now on this
 apartment is empty for me! And I'm not happy about you either. (The bread maker
 dings) Oh, and just so you know, I made that bread for you. (Joey walks into his bedroom
 and slams the door.)
 Closing Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is playing his music. Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are sitting
 on the couch.]
 Phoebe: Oh my God, he's lost it. He's totally lost it.
 Monica: (removing ear plugs) What?
 Rachel: Phoebe, his music could not get any worse. There are
 rats in the basement that are hanging themselves.
 (Ross finally finishes with the same crash, and gets some applause.)
 Ross: Thank you, thanks. (Sits down next to the girls) Yeah, I lost it.
 Y'know, I'm not gonna play anymore, (to Phoebe) would you, can you finish my
 set?
 Phoebe: After that? Yeah! No, I mean if I can help.
 (Phoebe gets up and goes to play, Ross goes over and sits down next to Monica and
 Rachel.)


 The One With Chandler In A Box
 The One With Chandler in a Box
 Written by: Michael Borkow
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is sitting at the counter reading a magazine as the
 phone rings.]
 Joey: (answering phone) Hello.
 Chandler: (on phone) Hey, it's me. I know you can't stand to be in the
 same room as me, so I just thought I'd try and apologize over the phone. All I
 (Joey hangs up the phone in disgust.)
 (Pause)
 (The phone rings again.)
 Joey: (answering phone) Hello.
 Chandler: Look I never should have kissed your girlfriend, but I'm
 (Joey hangs up the phone again.)
 (Pause)
 (The phone rings yet again.)
 Joey: (answering phone) Stop callin'!!
 Voice: (on phone) Hey! Hey! Hey! This is 92.3, WXRK, K-Rock for our $1,000 daily
 challenge.
 Joey: All right!
 Voice: What is the name of your roommate who is very, very sorry and would do
 anything  (Joey realizes it's Chandler and hangs up the phone in anger.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone but Joey and Chandler are there getting ready for
 Thanksgiving.]
 Chandler: (entering) Aww, turkey! Aww, giving thanks! Aww!
 Phoebe: Look everyone, it's the spirit of Thanksgiving!
 Rachel: So are things with you and Joey any better?
 Chandler: They couldn't be worse. I spent eight hours calling him last
 night, just trying to get him to talk to me.
 Rachel: Oh wow, eight hours? So you could probably really use one of those
 plug-in telephone headsets huh?
 Ross: Should we all expect Christmas gifts that can be stolen
 from your office?
 Rachel: You shouldn't.
 Phoebe: Speaking of Christmas, umm since Monica and I are starting a new
 business and have like no money, umm, this year maybe we could do secret Santa, and then
 we each only buy one gift. And-and there's the added mystery of who gets who.
 Ross: Who gets whom. (They all look at him.) I don't know why I do that.
 [Cut to later, the gang, minus Joey, is watching the Thanksgiving Day parade.]
 Rachel: Well, I'm gonna take a nap, turkey makes me sleepy.
 Monica: We haven't eaten yet!
 Rachel: I know, but all that work you're doing to get it ready, I
 just  (goes into her bedroom.)
 Chandler: Hey, by any chance did either of pick uh Rachel for your secret Santa,
  cause I wanna trade for her.
 Phoebe: I picked her! Oh thank God you want her! Ooh!
 Chandler: Wow! Why do you want to get rid of her so badly?
 Phoebe: Because she exchanges every gift she ever gets, it's like
 impossible to get her something she likes. Come on, let's trade!
 Chandler: Oh that's not true! That's not true! I got her that backpack
 and she loved it! I remember how much she was crying the day when that big dog ran off
 with it  (notices the look on Monica and Phoebe's faces.) Oh, there was no big
 dog. All right this sucks! I already got her this briefcase, and I had R.G. put on
 it  (Phoebe looks confused.) Her initials
 Phoebe: Ohh.
 Monica: Well, maybe you could give to somebody else. Ooh, like Ross Geller.
 Chandler: Op, y'know what though, it's kind've a girlie briefcase.
 Monica: Who cares? He works in a museum!
 Chandler: Hey, what time is it? The big game is about to start!
 Phoebe: You don't have to do that, Ross and Joey aren't here, you can
 watch the parade if you want.
 Chandler: Thanks.
 Monica: What is wrong with this freezer?! (She jabs her arm into the freezer and
 a piece of ice flies into her eye.) Ow! Ow!!
 Phoebe: God, what happened?!
 Monica: Oh my God, ice just got in my eye!
 Rachel: (standing in her doorway) People are trying to sleep in here!
 Chandler: Monica got ice in her eye, and it hurts.
 Phoebe: Open it up, let me see.
 Monica: Oh, y'know what, I can't, it really kills.
 Chandler: Well maybe you should put some ice on it.
 Phoebe: Ooh, God it looks bad.
 Rachel: Honey, maybe we should take you to a doctor.
 Monica: No, my eye doctor is Richard! I can't go to him when I don't
 have a boyfriend!
 Chandler: He's really picky about his patients.
 Phoebe: Honey, you've got to go. What's his office number?
 Monica: Like I remember his office number! (Pause) Speed dial 7.
 Phoebe: (on phone) Hi! Yeah, I'm calling on behalf of Monica Geller's
 eye, and is um, is Richard Burke in today. (Listens) (to Monica) He's out of town,
 but does she want to see the on-call doctor?
 Monica: Yes!!
 Phoebe: Yes! She's very excited about that.
 [Cut to later, Phoebe is adding butter to something and Ross is watching.]
 Phoebe: This is so cool,  til Monica gets back, it's like I'm
 head chef and I get to make all the decisions. (She looks at the remaining butter, and
 then decides to add it to the dish.)


Ross: Hey-hey, I thought she told you to follow the recipe exactly!
 Phoebe: Okay, get out of my kitchen!
 Chandler: (entering) All right! Okay! I think I am making some progress with
 Joey, when I went into the apartment he went straight into his bedroom but he only slammed
 the door once! (Ross is pleased.) I mean yeah, he gave me the finger while doing it.
 Phoebe: All right I  I gotta call my mom and ask her a left handed cooking
 question.
 Ross: So listen ah, I picked Monica for secret Santa, but I'm already
 getting her something for Chanukah, I was wondering if you wanna switch.
 Chandler: Oh y'know what, I was already trying to trade for ah, well, you.
 Ross: Really?! Wow! That's-that's so nice, what are you gonna get me?
 Chandler: I don't know R.G., I was thinking something girlie for your
 office.
 Ross: Yeah, well maybe Phoebe will switch with me.
 Chandler: Oh no-no-no, you don't want to do that, then you're gonna
 get stuck with Rachel and she exchanges every gift she ever gets.
 Ross: Oh, that's not true! I've got her lots of stuff she never took
 back.
 Chandler: Like?
 Ross: Like uh, that gold necklace I got her last year.
 Chandler: When was the last time you saw her wear it?
 Ross: Well, she wore it all Christmas day, and then uh
 Chandler: Big dog?
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is repacking the furniture into boxes to return it.]
 Ross: (entering) Hey!
 Joey: Hey!
 Ross: What are you doing?
 Joey: I'm sending back all this stuff that Chandler bought out of guilt.
 Ross: Everything? Even the TV?
 Joey: No! I'm putting that in my room.
 Ross: Listen, Joey, I know what he did was wrong but don't you think you
 could at least hear the guy out?
 Joey: Back when you and Rachel were together, if Chandler had kissed her, would
 you hear him out?
 Ross: That's a good point. So uh, how long are you gonna punish him?
 Joey: Five years.
 Ross: You've sentenced him?!
 Joey: Hey! Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.
 Ross: Joey, the guy's your best friend.
 Joey: No, was my best friend. Anyway, I don't know why
 you're pushing for him so hard. With him out of the way as my best friend,
 there's a spot open.
 Ross: Oh, who? Me?
 Joey: Yeah!
 Ross: Wow! I'm honored! And y'know what I'm gonna do as my first
 act as your best friend?
 Joey: What?
 Ross: I'm gonna get you to talk to Chandler.
 Joey: All right. But if you weren't my best friend.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Kathy are sitting at a table and talking about
 Joey.]
 Kathy: Oh my God, is it really that bad?
 Chandler: I walk into a room and he won't even talk to me, he just mumbles
 something in Italian. And I know he only knows the bad words.
 Joey: (entering) Hey Gunther, have you uh, have you seen Chandler?
 Gunther: I thought you were Chandler. But umm, one of who is over
 there.
 (Joey turns around and sees them kissing.)
 Kathy: Oh.
 Chandler: Hey Joe.
 Joey: (Something in Italian.) (Storms out.)
 [Scene: Dr. Burke's office, Rachel and Monica are waiting as the doctor arrives.]
 Doctor: I'll be right with you. Okay? (to the nurse) Thanks, Wendy.
 Monica: Oh my God! How cute is the on-call doctor?
 Rachel: Ooh, so cute, that I'm thinking about jamming this pen in my eye.
 (The intercom buzzes.)
 Nurse: Dr. Burke will see you know.
 Monica: Oh no-no-no, not Dr. Burke. Dr. Burke is out of town. The-the on-call
 doctor will see me now.
 Nurse: Dr. Richard Burke is out of town. Dr. Timothy Burke, his son, will see
 you now.
 Dr. Timothy Burke: Ready?
 (Monica looks at Rachel, who gives her the thumbs up.)
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is packing as Chandler rushes in.]
 Chandler: Hey! I'm sorry! That (sees that Joey is about to leave)
 where are you going?
 Joey: My folks.
 Chandler: Oh, uh, when-when are you coming back?
 Joey: I don't know. I might stay there for a few days while I look for an
 apartment.
 Chandler: What?!
 Joey: Yeah, y'know at first I thought we could talk about this y'know,
 work it out, but uh, seeing you two together I don't think I
 Chandler: Hey, look, what do you want me to say? Do you want me to say that
 I'll stop seeing her?
 Joey: Look, it's not about her. Okay? But seeing you two together just
 reminds me of what you did. And I don't want to live with some one who doesn't
 know what it is to be a friend. So, I'll see ya. (He starts to leave, but Chandler
 grabs his bag and stops him.)
 Chandler: Hey, look, I know what it is to be a friend, I just-I just screwed up!


Joey: Yeah! You did! And that's why I'm leaving.
 (The chick and the duck walk into the living room.)
 Chandler: All right look, if you're not gonna stay for me, then at least
 stay for them! Okay, they have had a very difficult year! What with the
 robbery and all!
 Joey: When that guy was robbing us, and I was locked in the entertainment unit
 for like six hours, you know what I was doing in there all that time? I was thinking about
 how I let you down!
 Chandler: What?
 Joey: Yeah! But if would've know what kind of friend you were gonna turn
 out to be, I wouldn't have worried about it so much! See you around!
 Chandler: All right, wait! Come on! Just wait one second! There has to be
 something that I can do! Something! If we still had that entertainment unit I would get in
 it for six hours and think about how I let you down. (Joey looks intrigued) What?
 Joey: We've got a box. (Motions to a large wooden box next to him.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Dr. Burke's office, Tim is examining Monica.]
 Tim: Last time I saw you, it was the morning I left for college. And you were
 just standing outside The Dairy Queen.
 Monica: I was probably waiting for it to open.
 Tim: I gotta tell you, you look great now.
 Monica: You look great too.
 Tim: You're an excellent patient!
 Monica: So how does it look?
 Tim: Well, you've got a little scratch on your cornea, your gonna have to
 wear a patch for a couple of days.
 Monica: Like a pirate?!
 Tim: If that helps you.
 Monica: Umm, so how long have you been working with your dad? (He looks at her)
 Come on, one of us had to mention him.
 Tim: I moved back here a couple of months ago.
 Monica: Oh. Big family dinner tonight?
 Tim: Uh. (He holds up a brown lunch bag.)
 Monica: No way!
 Tim: I was gonna have Thanksgiving at my girlfriend's.
 Monica: (disappointed) Oh.
 Tim: But we broke up.
 Monica: (happy) Oh.
 Tim: She-she wasn't ready for a serious commitment.
 Monica: (sympathetic) Oh. (in a pirate's voice) So you made her walk the
 plank? Aye, matie?
 Tim: You're not wearing the patch yet.
 Monica: I know.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, It's closer to dinner. Monica has just told everyone
 that Tim is coming to dinner.]
 Ross: He's coming here for Thanksgiving!
 Rachel: I know, it's sick.
 Monica: Why is it sick?
 Rachel: Because it's Richard's son! It's like inviting Greek
 tragedy over for dinner!
 Monica: Hey, come on, Phoebe, you understand don't you?
 Phoebe: Yeah, I can see where I'd be your best shot but, no. I'm
 sorry, but I think it's twisted.
 Ross: Yeah.
 Joey: (coming out of the bathroom) What's twisted?
 Monica: Me going out with Richard's son.
 Joey: Ewwwww!! Ew! Ew! Ew!
 Chandler: (He is now in the box, in their living room.) Sounds like a really bad
 idea to me.
 Rachel: Is he okay in there?
 Joey: He's fine!
 Ross: Hey, y'know, Mon, if things wrong out between you and Richard's son,
 you'd be able to tell your kids, that you slept with their grandfather.
 Monica: Fine! Judge all you want to but, (points to Ross) married a lesbian,
 (points to Rachel) left a man at the altar, (points to Phoebe) fell in love with a gay ice
 dancer, (points to Joey) threw a girl's wooden leg in a fire, (points to Chandler)
 livin' in a box!! (goes to her room)
 Rachel: So now, what exactly is the point of the box?
 Joey: Chandler?
 Chandler: The meaning of the box is three fold. One (holds a finger up through
 the air hole), it gives me the time to think about what I did. Two (holds up another
 finger), it proves how much I care about my friendship with Joey. And three (holds up a
 third finger), it hurts!
 Ross: (to Rachel) Oh hey! Hey uh, you remember the necklace I gave you last
 year? Can I see it?
 Rachel: (worried) Why?
 Ross: I just wanna check something.
 Rachel: Okay. (She goes into her bedroom)
 Ross: (He puts his hand over the hole on the box.) (to Chandler) Now, we'll
 see.
 Chandler: Air hole! Air hole!! (Ross retracts his hand quickly.)
 Rachel: (coming out of her bedroom with a necklace) Here it is! I love it. I
 wear it all the time.
 Ross: (grabbing the necklace) The necklace I got you was gold, this one is
 silver.
 Rachel: Huh, well maybe it uh, it changed.
 Ross: Oh my God! You actually exchanged it!
 Rachel: Well isn't it better that I exchanged it for something that I enjoy
 and that I can get a lot of use out of?
 Ross: What did you get?


Rachel: Credit.
 (There's a knock on the door.)
 Monica: (running in from her bedroom) I'll get it! I'll get it!
 I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it!
 I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it!
 I'll get it! I'll get it! (opens the door) Hi, Tim.
 Tim: Hi. (gives her a bottle of wine)
 Monica: Thank you. Come meet my friends. This is uh, Phoebe.
 Tim: Hi, nice to meet you.
 Monica: And Joey.
 Joey: Hey!
 Tim: Hi, Joey.
 Monica: My brother, Ross.
 Ross: Hey.
 Monica: And Rachel. (Chandler clears his voice loudly) And that's Chandler.
 Chandler: How do ya do.
 Tim: What's
 Monica: Umm, well, he's
 Joey: He's doin' some thinkin'!
 [cut to later, Joey, Rachel, Ross, and Tim are watching the football game, and they all
 cheer loudly.]
 Chandler: What happened? What happened?!
 Joey: You kissed my girlfriend!
 (A commercial for sunglasses comes on.)
 Rachel: Ooh, I like those sunglasses.
 Ross: Like  em, like  em? Or, I'd like to get store credit for
 that amount like  em?
 Rachel: (Swears in Italian, it's the same term used by Joey earlier and
 Joey nods his approval.)
 Monica: All right everybody, this turkey is ready!
 Tim: Where can I wash up?
 Monica: Here, let me show you. Okay, the towels are hanging next to the sink,
 and umm, you can use the fancy soap.
 Tim: Thank you.
 Rachel: Fancy soap? I thought we were savin' that for the Pope!
 Monica: See he's nice. Right?
 Phoebe: Yeah, but Monica, do you actually want to be in a relationship where you
 can actually use the phrase, 'That's not how your dad used to do it.'
 Tim: Wow! Everything looks great! Where should I sit?
 Monica: I saved you a seat. (Motions to the one next to her.)
 Rachel: (pouring the wine) Sick-sick-sick-sick.
 (There's a loud knocking.)
 Phoebe: Oh, I'll get it. (goes over to the door.)
 Chandler: Gotcha! (laughs)
 Joey: That doesn't sound like thinking to me!
 Chandler: Sorry!
 Joey: Y'know I don't think you should be talking at all in there! I
 think you've got to much thinking to do to be talking and making jokes!
 Chandler: Okay, okay, you got it!
 Rachel: Ross, can you pass me the yams?
 Ross: Sure! Oh, and Joey's got the mashed potatoes if you want to exchange
 them.
 Rachel: Would you stop?! What is the matter with you?!
 Monica: Oh-ho-ho, we've got company.
 Ross: There's nothing the matter with me. See, I'm not completely
 devoid of sentiment, see I have feelings.
 Rachel: Okay, fine. (She gets up and walks into her bedroom)
 (an awkward silence follows)
 Chandler: You can't tell, but I'm trying to break the tension by
 mooning you guys!
 Joey: All right, look! If this is just a big joke to you, then forget about it,
 all right?! This means something to me! And if it doesn't mean anything to you, then
 you should get out of there, otherwise you're just an idiot in a box!
 Chandler: You're right, and I'm sorry! This means a lot to me! I want
 you to be my friend again! I swear, I won't say another word tonight.
 Joey: So are you gonna start taking this thing seriously?
 Chandler: Absolutely!
 Joey: That sounds like another word to me! Are you gonna take this seriously?
 (There's no response from Chandler.) Okay.
 (Rachel comes back carrying a shoe box.)
 Rachel: Don't say that I have no sentiment! (Starts to show Ross
 what's in the box.) This is a movie stub from our first date! This is an eggshell
 from the first time you made me breakfast in bed! (Holds up a bone) This is from the
 museum from the first time we  were together. Okay, maybe I exchange gifts sometimes,
 but I keep the things that matter!
 Ross: I don't know what to say, I'm sorry. Though, you're not
 supposed to take these. (Points to the bone) It's like a million years old, we, we
 actually, we had people looking for that.
 (Rachel glares at him.)
 [Cut to the balcony with Monica and Tim.]
 Monica: (putting off her coat) Ooh, this always happens. (Her coat gets stuck.)
 Tim: Here, let me help. (Does so.)
 Monica: Thank you.
 Tim: You-you have a very beautiful  eye.
 Monica: Y'know all my friends think this is weird.
 Tim: Y'know I-I thought it was gonna be weird, I mean I almost called and
 canceled, but it really isn't.
 Monica: I know! I mean it's like me and your dad, that's a totally
 separate thing.
 Tim: Oh, I totally agree.
 Monica: We're just two people who find each other very attractive. Right?
 (Tim leans in to kiss her. They stop, and when he tries to kiss her again, Monica pulls
 away.)
 Tim: What?


 The One Where They're Gonna PARTY!
 The One Where They're Gonna PARTY!
 Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Outside Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are showing everyone the van they
 bought for the catering business. It's an old Dodge van, that has a cartoon woman
 riding on a dragon painted on the side of it.]
 Phoebe: Okay!
 Monica: Come on, no peeking! (They are leading the gang out with there hands
 over their eyes.)
 Chandler: Our eyes are closed and we're about to cross the street. Very
 good.
 Phoebe: Okayyyyy, open up!
 (They open their eyes and are stunned at the van.)
 Ross: What did you want to show us? Because all I can see is this bitchin'
 van!
 Phoebe: Yeah, it's for our catering business!
 Joey: I think I know that girl.
 Monica: All right, umm, we're not gonna really keep it this way though.
 Rachel: No?
 Phoebe: No, we're gonna paint over the sword, and replace it with a
 baguette.
 Rachel: Oh!
 Phoebe: And also, we don't know what to do with this. (She turns on a
 switch and the girl's nipples light up.)
 Joey: Oh yeah, I definitely know her.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is all there.]
 Monica: (to Phoebe) Remember that guy from cooking school I told you about that
 put cilantro with everything?
 Phoebe: Oh sure, Cilantro Larry.
 Monica: Well, I'm gonna fill in for him as food critic for the Chelsea
 Reporter.
 Monica: Wow, Monica! What an amazing opportunity to influence  dozens of
 people.
 Phoebe: How could you say yes, what about our catering business?
 Monica: Oh no-no-no, it's only one night a week, and plus I get to take all
 of you out for a lot of free dinners.
 All: Yay!!
 Phoebe: Oh, in that case (hops up and down in joy) Yay! (Monica looks
 confused) That was me hopping on board.
 Monica: Oh.
 Chandler: (entering) Hey, you guys! Hey, Ross, quick question for ya. Are you
 ready to party?
 Ross: I don't know, I could maybe go out for a couple of beers, but
 there's this thing about bumblebees on The Discovery Channel that I was
 planning to watch.
 Chandler: No-no, I don't think you heard me. Are you ready to party?!
 Ross: Nooo!! Gandolf?! Gandolf is coming to town?
 Chandler: Kathy's with her parents, I have nothing to do, so tomorrow we
 are partying with Gandolf dude!
 Ross: Dude, we are sooo gonna party!
 Phoebe: Wow! Okay, dude alert! And who is this guy?
 Ross: Mike 'Gandolf' Ganderson, only like the funest guy in the world.
 Chandler: I'm gonna call and get off work tomorrow!
 Ross: I'm gonna call after you!
 Chandler: This is gonna be soo cool, dude, we never party anymore!
 Chandler and Ross: Woooo!!!
 Monica: All right, were you guys smoking something in the back of our van?
 Joey: Really. And what do you mean you never have fun anymore? You have fun with
 me, remember that time we saw those strippers and you paid me 50 bucks to eat that book?
 Ross: Joey, you are gonna love this guy. Gandolf is like the party wizard!
 Joey: Well, why do you call him Gandolf?
 Ross: Gandolf the wizard. (Joey is still confused) Hello! Didn't you read Lord
 of the Rings in high school?
 Joey: No, I had sex in high school.
 [Scene: Rachel's office, Rachel and Sophie are sitting at their desks working as
 Joanna walks in.]
 Rachel: Oh, uh, Joanna I was wondering if I could ask you something.
 There's an opening for an assistant buyer in Junior Miss
 Joanna: (interrupting) Okay, but that would actually be a big step down for me.
 Rachel: Well, actually, I meant for me. The hiring committee is meeting people
 all day and
 Joanna: Oh. Well, I wish I could say no, but you can't stay my assistant
 forever. Neither can you Sophie, but for different reasons.
 Rachel: God, I am so glad you don't have a problem with this, because if
 you did, I wouldn't even consider applying.
 Joanna: Really? Well, in that case
 Rachel: (interrupting) And that's I'm so glad  there's no
 problem.
 Joanna: That's fine, actually I'm on the hiring committee, so
 there'll be at least one friendly face.
 Rachel: Ohh! That's great!
 Joanna: You know, Junior Miss is where I started. Oh, I had to sleep with the ugliest
 guy to get that job.
 Rachel: Really?!
 Joanna: No-ho-ho! (pause) Yeah. (pause) I mean, no-no-no-no-no, don't you
 worry, I'm sure with your qualifications you won't need to sleep with some guy
 to get that job. Although, I might need some convincing.
 Rachel: Well, I, umm
 Joanna: Kidding! God, I feel wild today!
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is getting ready to party.]
 Chandler: Oh man! I am so excited I may vomit!
 Joey: Will you calm down, he's just a human guy.


Chandler: Look you don't understand, Gandolf is amazing. Y'know
 you're never know what's gonna end up happening, you go out for a couple of
 beers and end up on a fishing boat to Nova Scotia!
 Joey: Really?!
 Chandler: Oh yeah, it's beautiful country up there.
 Ross: (entering) Hey! Okay! I got my passport, fresh socks, and a snake bite
 kit!
 Chandler: It's not gonna be exactly like last time.
 Joey: All right, I'll see you guys.
 Chandler and Ross: Whoa-whoa-whoa!
 Chandler: Whoa-wh-wh-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!
 Joey: I have an audition, but I'll definitely hook up with you later. Where
 are you gonna be around noon?
 Ross: Somewhere maybe along the equator?
 Joey: Okay. (leaves as the phone rings)
 Chandler: (answering it) Hello. (listens) (to Ross) It's Gandolf!!! (on
 phone) So, are you in town? (listens) (disappointed) Oh, well, well maybe next time then.
 (Hangs up)
 Ross: What happened?
 Chandler: He's not gonna make it, he's stuck in Chicago.
 Ross: Ohh, man! Chicago, is sooo lucky!
 Chandler: Stupid, useless Canadian money!
 [Scene: Bloomingdale's, Rachel is meeting with Mr. Posner, Mrs. Lynch,
 and Joanna the hiring committee.]
 Mr. Posner: You have a very impressive resume, Ms. Green. I especially like what
 I see here about implementing a new filing system.
 Rachel: Thank you.
 Joanna: Filing system? Oh-oh! You mean those-those little colored labels you put
 on all the folders? (to the committee) It certainly did brighten up the inside of the
 filing cabinets.
 Rachel: Well, they uh, they-they do more than that.
 Mrs. Lynch: I notice that you've been trusted with a lot of rather
 important responsibilities.
 Rachel: Yes, Joanna really has been an incredible mentor to me.
 Joanna: Oh. And Rachel has been really incredible in getting my morning bagel
 for me. It's amazing how she gets it right almost every time!
 Rachel: I-I-I of course, I have more responsibilities than that.
 Joanna: Oh yes, well there's the coffee too. (to the committee) Rachel can
 carry two things at once!
 Mr. Posner: Yes, that's very good. Now a uh, big part of this job is
 cultivating personal relationships, especially with designers.
 Rachel: Yes, I realize that
 Joanna: (interrupting) And Rachel shouldn't have any problem with that. The
 only problem might be getting a little too friendly, if you know what I mean.
 Rachel: I love working with designers!
 Joanna: With them, under them, what's the difference? Eh, Rach?
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is there as Monica enters carrying a huge stack of
 newspapers.]
 Monica: Hey! My first review is out!
 Phoebe: Ohh! Oh, the Chelsea Reporter, ohh, this used to keep me so warm.
 Monica: All right, look at my on the back page.
 Phoebe: Oh, okay! (reading) 'Would I go back to Allesandro's? Sure,
 but I'd have to order two meals, one for me and one for the guy pointing the gun to
 my head.' (to Monica) Wow! You really laid into this place.
 Monica: Hey, they don't pay me a penny a word to make friends.
 Phoebe: Ooh, I gotta go. I found a guy that who could fix up the van for
 catering.
 Monica: Oh! Do you need me to go with you?
 Phoebe: No-no, it's okay. But are we sure we don't want the waterbed?
 Monica: Haven't we made this decision?
 Phoebe: Yeah, all right. (starts to leave)
 Monica: Bye!
 Phoebe: Bye!
 (The intercom buzzes.)
 Monica: (answering it) Who is it?
 Allesandro: It's Allesandro, from Allesandro's.
 Monica: Oh my God.
 Allesandro: I want to talk to you about your review.
 Monica: Oh my God, oh my God. (on intercom) Call me on the phone!
 Allesandro: Why? So you could hang up on me?
 Monica: Look, I-I'm never gonna let you up so you may as well just go away.
 Allesandro: Just give me a chance too
 Phoebe: (on intercom) Hey, do you need to get in? Here you go.
 Monica: No! Phoebe!
 Phoebe: Hey, Monica!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]
 Allesandro: (entering) I want a retraction! Our food is not
 inedible swill!
 Monica: I couldn't eat it! I had five friends who couldn't eat it, and
 one of them eats books.
 Allesandro: Well our service is not grossly incompetent.
 Monica: The waiter carried the breadsticks in his pants!
 Allesandro: Well, you said that we except the Discover Card, which we
 do not!
 Monica: All right, that I'll retract. But I stand by my review, I know food
 and that wasn't it. You're marinara sauce tasted like tomato juice! You should
 serve it with vodka and a piece of celery.
 Allesandro: Hey! I'm proud of that sauce, it's delicious.
 Monica: Oh my God! You own an Italian restaurant and you think that tastes
 good?! Where are you even from?
 Allesandro: (shyly) Lebanon.
 Monica: Hand me those tomatoes, I'm gonna show you what it should taste
 like! Come on, hand me them.
 Allesandro: How long is this gonna take?  Cause I got another critic to go
 yell at.
 [Scene: Rachel's office, Rachel is confronting Joanna about her interview.]


Rachel: (entering Joanna's office) Umm, Joanna? I wanna talk about that
 interview.
 Joanna: I thought it went very well.
 Rachel: No! It didn't! That's what I want to talk to you about.
 (starts to break up) Now, just to brief you  (starts to cry) I may cry, but they are
 not tears of sadness or of anger, but just of me having this discussion with you.
 Joanna: Rachel, please, don't make a scene.
 Rachel: There's nobody here!
 Joanna: Sophie, get in here! (Sophie enters) You see! Now you're making
 Sophie uncomfortable!
 Sophie: She's not making me uncomfortable.
 Joanna: Congratulations! You now just crossed the line into completely useless.
 Get out. (Sophie starts to cry and leaves)
 Rachel: Do you want me to quit?
 Joanna: What?! What would make you think that?
 Rachel: Well of those things that you said in the interview, I mean if you
 believe any of them, I must not be a very good assistant. Y'know what? I
 am just gonna pack up my desk, (She goes over to get all of her belongings from the desk,
 which amount to a muffin and a pen) and I will be gone by the end of the day! (Realizes
 she has nothing.) Well, I guess there's no use to me sticking around  til the
 end of the day! (Starts to leave.)
 Joanna: Wait-wait-wait-wait! You can put your sad little muffin back in
 it's drawer. If you must know the truth, I didn't want to lose a perfectly good
 assistant.
 Rachel: What?
 Joanna: That's why I said all those things about your flirting and your
 drinking
 Rachel: My drinking?
 Joanna: Oh, I must've said that after you left.
 Rachel: Said what? Exactly.
 Joanna: That you enjoyed the occasional drink ing binge.
 Rachel: Oh my God!! Ohh, that is it! I'm leaving! You are just a horrible
 person!
 Joanna: Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait!! If you're gonna get all
 sensitive about it! I don't want to lose you. What if I, create a position for you?
 I'll make you an assistant buyer in this department.
 Rachel: Say more things like that.
 Joanna: You can have your own office, and a raise! Effective tomorrow.
 Rachel: I'd need an expense account.
 Joanna: Done!
 Rachel: And an assistant.
 Joanna: Sophie, get in here! (Sophie peeks in around the corner)
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Chandler are watching TV as Joey enters.]
 Joey: Hey! What are you guys doing here? I thought you'd be out partying
 with Gandel-worf.
 Ross: It's Gandolf, and he's not coming.
 Joey: So you've been sittin' around here all mornin'?
 Ross: No! I balanced my checkbook.
 Chandler: Yeah, and I-I gave first names to all of the foosball players.
 Ross: I can't believe he didn't come!
 Joey: So what if he didn't come! We can still go out and party ourselves!
 Chandler: Oh-no, y'know with Gandolf we'd be out all
 night!
 Ross: Yeah! We'd meet, we'd meet total strangers, and hang out with
 them!
 Joey: Well, we could do that!
 Ross: There's other stuff too.
 Joey: We'll do it all, and better! Look, after tonight, Gandolf will want
 to party with us, dude! Come on!
 Ross: Yeah!
 Joey: Yeah!
 Ross: Yeah!!
 Joey: Yeah!!
 Ross: It's not like we don't know how to party!!
 Joey: Yeah! All right? Let's go!
 Chandler: And may-maybe we could end up on a boat again?
 Joey and Ross: Yeah!!!
 Chandler: All right!!
 Ross: (to Chandler) Hey-hey-hey, when uh, when were we on a boat?
 Chandler: Remember that really cold morning, you woke up and those dogs were
 licking your face?
 Ross: Yeah.
 Chandler: Well, those were seals, man.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is entering, excited.]
 Rachel: Hey Mon, little question for ya! How do you think this suit will look on
 an assistant buyer?
 Monica: Okay, the owner of Allesandro's came over to yell at me, but
 instead I made him some sauce, and he offered me the job as head chef!!
 Rachel: Oh my God!! You just ruined the thing I was practicing the whole way
 home, but I'm soo happy!
 Monica: Can you believe it? I finally get to run my own kitchen!
 Rachel: Ohh, you've waited soo long.
 Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
 Rachel: Hey, Pheebs, quick question for ya.
 Phoebe: Yeah.
 Rachel: How do you think this suit would look on an assistant buyer at Bloomingdale's?
 Phoebe: I don't know, it would totally depend on her coloring and
 (realizes) You got the job!!
 Rachel: Yes!!!
 Monica: You got the job?! Why didn't you tell me?
 Rachel: Ohh, it's gonna be so great! I'm gonna get to help decide what
 we sell, I'm gonna have an office with walls and everything. (turns to Monica)
 I'm gonna have walls!
 Phoebe: Okay, is this the day of good news or what? I got us a job! The wedding
 reception.


Monica: Ohh! Umm, Phoebe, I kinda need to talk to you about that. (Rachel
 excuses herself) Umm, well I-I-I think it might be time for me to take a step back from
 catering.
 Phoebe: But we've only had one job.
 Monica: I know, but now we have this second one and it just, it feels like
 it's snowballing, y'know?
 Phoebe: Yeah! What are you saying?
 Monica: I got offered the head chef job at Allesandro's.
 Phoebe: What?
 Monica: It's okay,  cause y'know what? You don't really need me
 for the business.
 Phoebe: You're the cook! With out you it's just me driving up to
 people's houses with empty trays and asking for money!
 Monica: All right. But umm, I-I-I'll pay you back all the money you
 invested, and you can keep the van.
 Phoebe: For what? I can't believe this! I gotta get out of here. (leaves)
 Monica: Phoebe, wait a minute! (runs after her, leaving Rachel alone)
 Rachel: I'm an assistant buyer!!
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Ross, and Chandler are making a pit stop on their party
 tour.]
 Joey: All right, so we'll get a little coffee, and get energized, and
 we'll head back out.
 Chandler: Yeah, all right.
 Ross: Okay.
 Joey: So, we're having fun, right?
 Chandler and Ross: Yeah.
 Joey: We don't need that wizard guy. We hit a couple of clubs, talked to
 some strangers, and uh, after this, we'll head down to the docks and see about that
 boat thing.
 Ross: I'm kinda beat.
 Chandler: Actually, me too.
 Joey: Are you serious?!
 Chandler and Ross: Yeah.
 Joey: Thank God! I'm exhausted!
 Gunther: So you guys want coffees?
 Joey: Yeah, but uh, I don't want to be up too late, so uh, I'll have a
 decaf.
 Ross: Yeah, me too.
 Chandler: Actually, can I get some hot water with a little lemon? I think I
 strained my voice screaming in there. Does it have to be so loud?
 Joey: I can't hear a word you're saying, my ears are ringing so bad.
 Ross: I'm just glad I brought that extra pair of socks, y'know? I used
 them as mittens, I didn't want to touch a thing in that last place.
 (pause)
 Ross: How sad are we?
 Joey: Yeah, I know.
 Chandler: Y'know what? We're not sad, we're not sad, we're
 just not 21 anymore. Y'know? I'm 29 years old, damnit! And I want to sit in a
 comfortable chair, and watch television and go to bed at a reasonable hour!
 Joey and Ross: Yeah!
 Joey: Yeah! And I like to hang out in a quiet place where I can talk to my
 friends.
 Chandler and Ross: Yeah!
 Ross: And so what if I like to go home, throw on some Kenny G, and take a bath!
 Joey: We're 29, we're not women.
 [Scene: Central Perk, the next day, Phoebe is there.]
 Monica: (entering) Ohh, here you are. Y'know, I'm-I'm glad you
 decided to hear me out.
 Phoebe: Okay, I'm hearing.
 Monica: I've been doing a lot of thinking. A lot! And umm, well, I came up
 with a whole bunch of businesses you can do with your van. Okay umm, you could be flower
 delivery person.
 Phoebe: What?!
 Monica: Or! A bakery delivery person.
 Phoebe: I wa-I wa-I wa
 Monica: Pizza?!
 Phoebe: Monica!
 Monica: All right, I've got a whole bunch of uh-uh, stuff in this area, but
 umm, I'm getting the feeling that you don't want to deliver.
 Phoebe: No.
 Monica: Okay. I'm guessing that if you don't want to deliver, you
 probably don't want to pick stuff up either.
 Phoebe: No.
 Monica: Y'know what, let's do the catering business.
 Phoebe: Really?! Are you sure?
 Monica: Yeah, y'know I-I made a commitment to you. Y'know what, it'd
 be, it'd be fun.
 Phoebe: Oh! It will be fun! Ohh! Yay! Oh! Okay, ooh, let's
 plan the wedding reception. (She grabs the notebook which Monica used for her ideas and
 starts flipping page after page after page after page after page to find a blank one.)
 Wow! You really wanted me to do something with this van. (pause)
 Y'know what, I want you to take the chef job.
 Monica: Really?!
 Phoebe: Yeah. That's what you really want. Yeah, I don't want to be
 the reason you're unhappy, that would just make me unhappy, and I really
 don't want to be the reason I'm unhappy.
 Monica: Thank you.
 Phoebe: Besides, it might be kinda fun to form the new A-Team.
 [Scene: Rachel's office, she is coming in for the day carrying a picture for her
 new office. Mrs. Lynch is coming out of Joanna's office, carrying a box.]
 Rachel: Oh, hi Mrs. Lynch! Is Joanna in already?
 Mrs. Lynch: Oh my goodness! You haven't heard!
 Rachel: Heard what?
 Mrs. Lynch: Joanna passed away last night.
 Rachel: Oh my God! How?!
 Mrs. Lynch: Well, she was leaving work and she was hit by a cab.