Phoebe: All right, you know Paolo?
 Ross: I'm familiar with his work, yes...
 Phoebe: Well, he made a move on me.
 (Joey and Chandler come back)
 Joey: Whoa, store will be open tomorrow!
 Chandler: More coffee over here, please!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]
 Monica: Well, what happened?
 Phoebe: Well, he came in for a massage, and everything was fine until.
 (A flashback starts Paolo, lying on massage table, moving his hands up Phoebe's legs.)
 [Cut back to Central Perk.]
 Joey and Chandler: Ooooohh!
 Ross: My God.
 Monica: Are you sure?
 (The flashback resumes with Paolo grabbing her butt.)
 [Cut back to Central Perk.]
 Phoebe: Oh yeah, I'm sure. (Flashback resumes with Phoebe doing a voiceover.)
 And all of a sudden his hands weren't the problem anymore. (Flashback continues: Paolo
 rolls over, Phoebe looks down, then quickly looks up, bites lip, shakes her head)
 Monica: Was it...?
 Phoebe: Oh, boy scouts could have camped under there.
 Guys: Oooooo....
 (Rachel runs over)
 Rachel: 'Ooo,' what?
 Phoebe: Uma Thurman.
 Monica: Oh!
 Ross: The actress!
 (all talking indistinctly, high-fiving)
 Ross: Thanks Rach.
 (Rachel walks away)
 Chandler: So what are you gonna do?
 Ross: You have to tell her! You have to tell her! It's your moral obligation, as
 a friend, as a woman, I think it's a feminist issue! Guys? Guys? (waiting for guys to
 chime in)
 Chandler: Oh, yeah, you have to tell her.
 Joey: Feminist issue. That's where I went!
 Phoebe: She is gonna hate me.
 Ross:(sympathetic yet...) Yeah, well...
 [Scene: The Table Store, Joey and Chandler and looking for their new table.]
 Joey: Will you pick one, just pick one! Here, how about that one? (points to a
 table)
 Chandler: That's patio furniture!
 Joey: So what, like people are gonna come in and think, 'Uh-oh, I'm outside
 again?' Of course!
 Chandler: (gesturing towards another table) What about the birds?
 Joey: I don't know, birds just don't say, 'Hello, sit here, eat
 something.'
 Chandler: You pick one.
 Joey: All right, how about the ladybugs?
 Chandler: Oh, so, forget about the birds, but big red insects suggest fine
 dining!
 Joey: Fine, you want to get the birds, get the birds!
 Chandler: Not like that, I won't! (pauses) Kip would have liked the birds! (Joey
 turns and gives Chandler a dirty look)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel folding and packing clothes in suitcases as Phoebe
 enters.]
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Rachel: Hi Pheebs!
 Phoebe: Are you moving out?
 Rachel: No, these aren't all my suitcases. (picks up small blue suitcase and
 shows to Phoebe) This one's Paolo's.
 Phoebe: Um, um, Rachel can we talk for a sec?
 Rachel: Well, sure...just a sec, though, 'cause Paolo's on his way over.
 Phoebe: Oh! (sits down) Ok, um, ok, um,
 Rachel: Oh, Pheebs, Pheebs...
 Phoebe: Ok, um, (clears throat) we haven't known each other for that long a
 time, and, um, there are three things that you should know about me. One, my friends are
 the most important thing in my life, two, I never lie, and three, I make the best oatmeal
 raisin cookies in the world. (Phoebe opens a tin and offers Rachel a cookie)
 Rachel: (taking cookie) Ok, thanks Pheebs (takes bite of cookie,
 overwhelmed) Oh my God, why have I never tasted these before?!
 Phoebe: Oh, I don't make them a lot because I don't think it's fair to the other
 cookies
 Rachel: All right, well, you're right, these are the best oatmeal cookies I've
 ever had.
 Phoebe: Which proves that I never lie.
 Rachel: I guess you don't.
 Phoebe: Paolo made a pass at me.
 (Rachel looks stunned)
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross, Chandler, Joey, and Monica admiring their new
 table.]
 Chandler: So, what do you think?
 Ross: I think It's the most beautiful table I've ever seen.
 Chandler: I know!
 (The camera pans back to reveal Joey and Chandler's new foosball table.)
 Monica: So how does this work, you going to balance the plates on these little
 guys' heads?
 Joey: Who cares, we'll eat at the sink! Come on, let's play!
 Monica: Heads up Ross! (Monica scores on Chandler and Joey) Score! (points at
 Chandler) You suck!
 (Chandler looks at Joey in amazement)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is recovering from the shock.]
 Phoebe: Are you okay?
 Rachel: I need some milk.
 Phoebe: Ok, I've got milk (takes thermos from her bag and starts to pour a cup)
 Here you go... (Rachel drinks straight from thermos) Oh!(Rachel finishes thermos) Better?
 Rachel: No...oh, I feel so stupid! Oh, I think about the other
 day with you guys and I was all 'Oh, Paolo, he's so great, he makes me feel
 so...' Oh, God, I'm so embarrassed!
 Phoebe: I'm so embarrassed, I'm the one he hit on!
 (Phoebe's and Rachel's lines overlap)
 Rachel: Pheebs, if I had never met him this never would have happened!
 Rachel and


Phoebe: I'm so sorry! No I'm sorry! No I'm sorry! No
 I'm sorry!
 Phoebe: No, wait, oh, what are we sorry about?
 Rachel: I don't know...right, he's the pig!
 Phoebe: Such a pig!
 Rachel: Oh, God, he's such a pig,
 Phoebe: Oh he's like a...
 Rachel: He's like a big disgusting...
 Phoebe: ...like a...
 Rachel: ...pig...pig man!
 Phoebe: Yes, good! Ok...
 Rachel: (voice wavers) Oh, but he was my pig man...how did I not see this?
 Phoebe: (raises hand) Oh! I know! (Rachel startled) It's because... he's
 gorgeous, and he's charming, and when he looks at you...
 Rachel: Ok, Ok, Pheebs...
 Phoebe: The end.
 Rachel: Oh, God...
 Phoebe: Should I not have told you?
 Rachel: No, no, trust, me, it's, it's, it's much better that I know. Uh, I just
 liked it better before it was better...
 (Phoebe scoots her chair over to Rachel and hugs her)
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is telling everyone how it went across the hall as
 the foosball game continues.]
 Phoebe: I think she took it pretty well. You know Paolo's over there right now,
 so...
 Monica: We should get over there and see if she's okay. (switching
 places with Ross) Just one...second! Score! (Monica scores, high-fives with Ross) Game!
 Come on. (Monica and Phoebe leave)
 Ross: (wiping his brow) Ah...ooh! Well, looks like, uh, we kicked your
 butts.
 Joey: No-no, she kicked our butts. You could be on the Olympic standing-there
 team.
 Ross: Come on, two on one.
 Chandler: What are you still doing here? She just broke up with the guy, it's
 time for you to swoop in!
 Ross: What, now?
 Joey: Yes, now is when you swoop! You gotta make sure that when Paolo walks out
 of there, the first guy Rachel sees is you, She's gotta know that you're everything he's
 not! You're like, like the anti-Paolo!
 Chandler: My Catholic friend is right. She's distraught. You're there for her.
 You pick up the pieces, and then you usher in the age of Ross! (Ross and Chandler look off
 into the distance. Joey, wondering what they are looking at, looks in the same direction)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is throwing Paolo's clothes over the side.]
 Paolo: No, that's cold, that's cold, that's...
 [Cut to inside the apartment.]
 Ross: (entering) How's it going?
 Monica: Don't stare. Now she just finished throwing his clothes off the balcony,
 now there's just a lot of gesturing and arm-waving, (shows Rachel gesturing with hands in
 front of her chest), Ok, that is either, 'How could you?' or, 'Enormous
 breasts!' Here he comes!
 Phoebe: Ooh!
 (Paolo enters. Ross, Phoebe, and Monica scatter)
 Paolo: Uh, I am, uh, to say good-bye.
 Phoebe: Oh, ok bye-bye.
 Monica: Paolo, I really hate you for what you did to Rachel, (hands him a
 lasagna) but I still have five of these, so heat it at 375 until the cheese bubbles.
 Paolo: Grazie.
 Ross: Paolo, I-I just want to tell you and I think I speak for everyone when I
 say... (shuts door in his face and walks away)
 Phoebe: Oh, just look at her... (girls move toward Rachel on the balcony)
 Ross: Oh you guys, I-I really think just one of us should go out there so she's
 not overwhelmed...
 Monica: Oh, you're right.
 Ross: (pulls Monica back) ...and I really think it should be me.
 [Cut to the balcony, Ross has just climbed through the window.]
 Ross: Hey.
 Rachel: Hey.
 Ross: You all right?
 Rachel: Ooh, I've been better...
 Ross: Come here. (he hugs Rachel) Listen, you deserve so much better than
 him...you know, I mean, you, you, you should be with a guy who knows what he has when he
 has you.
 Rachel: Oh, Ross...
 Ross: What?
 Rachel: I am so sick of guys. I don't want to look at another guy, I don't want
 to think about another guy, I don't even want to be near another guy. (Ross crosses arms)
 Ross: Huh.
 Rachel: Oh Ross, you're so great!
 Ross: Ohhhh (Hugs her and sighs)
 [Cut to inside the apartment, Rachel and Ross are entering.]
 Monica: Ooh...hey honey, are you all right?
 Rachel: Oh...
 Phoebe: You ok?
 Rachel: ...medium...hmm...any cookies left?
 Phoebe: Yep!
 Ross: See, Rach, uh, see, I don't think that swearing off guys altogether is the
 answer. I really don't. I think that what you need is to develop a more sophisticated
 screening process.
 Rachel: No. I just need to be by myself for a while, you know? I just got to
 figure out what I want
 Ross: Uh, no, no, see, because not...not all guys are going to be a Paolo.
 Rachel: No, I know, I know, and I'm sure your little boy is not going to grow up
 to be one.
 Ross: (astonished) What?
 Rachel: What?
 Ross: I-I'm, I'm having a boy?


 The One With the Boobies
 The One With the Boobies
 Written by: Alexa Junge
 Transcribed by: guineapig
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler walks in and starts raiding the
 fridge. Then Rachel comes out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her waist, drying
 herself with another towel. Chandler and Rachel startle each other and she drops the towel
 for a second and snatches the rug off the couch.]
 Rachel: That is it! You just barge in here, you don't knock
 Chandler: I'm sorry!
 Rachel: You have no respect for anybody's privacy!
 Chandler: Rachel, wait, wait.
 Rachel: No, you wait! This is ridiculous!
 Chandler: Can I just say one thing?
 Rachel: What? What?!
 Chandler: That's a relatively open weave and I can still see your... nipular
 areas.
 Rachel: Oh!!
 (She storms off)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there with her boyfriend Roger, talking to Rachel and
 Monica.]
 Phoebe: Oh, honey, honey, tell them the story about your patient who thinks
 things are, like, other things. Y'know? Like, the phone rings and she takes a shower.
 Roger: That's pretty much it.
 Phoebe: Oops!
 Roger: But you tell it really well, sweetie.
 Phoebe: Thanks. Okay, now go away so we can talk about you.
 Roger: Okay. I'll miss you.
 Phoebe: Isn't he great?
 Rachel: He's so cute! And he seems to like you so much.
 Phoebe: I know, I know. So sweet... and so complicated. And for a shrink, he's
 not too shrinky, y'know?
 Monica: So, you think you'll do it on his couch?
 Phoebe: Oh, I don't know, I don't know. I think that's a little weird, y'know?
 Vinyl.
 Rachel: Okaaay. (To the guys, on the couch) Any of you guys want anything else?
 Chandler: Oh, yes, could I have one of those. (Points)
 Rachel: No, I'm sorry, we're all out of those. Anybody else?
 Chandler: Okay.
 Roger: Did I, uh, did I miss something?
 Chandler: No, she's still upset because I saw her boobies.
 Ross: You what? Wh what were you doing seeing her boobies?
 Chandler: It was an accident. Not like I was across the street with a telescope
 and a box of donuts.
 Rachel: Okay, okay, could we change the subject, please?
 Phoebe: Yeah, 'cause hello, these are not her boobies, these are her breasts.
 Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, I was hoping for more of a change.
 Chandler: Y'know, I don't know why you're so embarrassed, they were very nice
 boobies.
 Rachel: Nice? They were nice. I mean, that's it? I mean, mittens are nice.
 Chandler: Okaaay, (Gestures) rock, hard place, me.
 Roger: You're so funny! He's really funny! I wouldn't wanna be there when when
 the laughter stops.
 Chandler: Whoah whoah, back up there, Sparky. What'd you mean by that?
 Roger: Oh, just seems as though that maybe you have intimacy issues. Y'know,
 that you use your humour as a way of keeping people at a distance.
 Chandler: Huh.
 Roger: I mean hey! I just met you, I don't know you from Adam. ...Only child,
 right? Parents divorced before you hit puberty.
 Chandler: Uhhuh, how did you know that?
 Roger: It's textbook.
 (Joey enters with his dad)
 Joey: Hey you guys. Hey, you all know my dad, right?
 All: Hey! Hey, Mr. Trib!
 Monica: Hey, how long are you in the city?
 Mr. Tribbiani: Just for a coupla days. I got a job midtown. I figure I'm better
 off staying with the kid than hauling my ass back and forth on the ferry. (Sees Roger) I
 don't know this one.
 Phoebe: Oh, this is my friend Roger.
 Roger: Hi.
 Mr. Tribbiani: Hey, hey. Good to meet you, Roger.
 Roger: You too, sir.
 Mr. Tribbiani: (To Phoebe) What happened to the, uh, puppet guy?
 Joey: Dad, dad. (Shakes his head)
 Mr. Tribbiani: Oh, 'scuse me. So Ross, uh, how's the wife? (Ross whines and lays
 his head on Chandler's shoulder) Off there too, uh? Uh, Chandler, quick, say something
 funny!
 (Chandler stays stonefaced)
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Mr. Tribbiani is on the phone.]
 Mr. Tribbiani: Gotta go. I miss you too, I love you, but it's getting real late
 now
 Joey: (Snatches the phone) Hey Ma. Listen, I made the appointment with Dr.
 Bazida, and... Excuse me? (To his dad) Did you know this isn't Ma?
 (His dad nods. Cut to later. Joey is chopping mushrooms)
 Mr. Tribbiani: Her name's Ronni. She's a pet mortician.
 Joey: Sure. So how long you been... (Goes back to chopping)
 Mr. Tribbiani: Remember when you were a little kid, I used to take you to the
 navy yard and show you the big ships?
 Joey: Since then?!
 Mr. Tribbiani: No, it's only been six years. I just wanted to put a nice memory
 in your head so you'd know that I wasn't always such a terrible guy. ...Joe. Y'ever been
 in love?
 Joey: ...I d'know.
 Mr. Tribbiani: Then y'haven't. You're burning your tomatoes.


Joey: You're one to talk. (Puts the mushrooms in a saucepan)
 Mr. Tribbiani: Joe, your dad's in love big time. And the worst part of it is,
 it's with two different women.
 Joey: Oh man. Please tell me one of 'em is Ma.
 Mr. Tribbiani: Of course, course one of 'em's Ma. What's the matter with you.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is lamenting to everyone about hid dad's affair.]
 Joey: It's like if you woke up one day and found out your dad was leading this
 double life. He's like actually some spy, working for the C.I.A. (Considers) That'd be
 cool.... This blows!
 Rachel: I know, I mean, why can't parents just stay parents? (She walks over
 near Chandler and his gaze stays very obviously on her chest) Why do they have to become
 people? Why do they have... (Notices Chandler) Why can't you stop staring at my breasts?
 Chandler: (Without looking up) What? (Looks up) What?
 Rachel: Did you not get a good enough look the other day?
 Ross: Alright, alright. We're all adults here, there's only one way to resolve
 this. Since you saw her boobies, I think, uh, you're gonna have to show her your peepee.
 Chandler: Y'know, I don't see that happening?
 Rachel: C'mon, he's right. Tit for tat.
 Chandler: Well I'm not showing you my 'tat.'
 (Door buzzer goes)
 Monica: Hello?
 Phoebe: (Intercom) It's Phoebe.
 Roger: (Intercom) And Rog.
 Monica: C'mon up.
 Chandler: (Sarcastic) Oh, good. Rog is here.
 Joey: What's the matter with Rog?
 Ross: Yeah.
 Chandler: Oh, it's nothing, it's a little thing... I hate that guy.
 Ross: What, so he was a little analytical. That's what he does, y'know? C'mon,
 he's not that bad.
 (Cut to Chandler, Ross and Roger sitting at the table. Ross is upset)
 Ross: Y'see, that's where you're wrong. Why would I marry her if I thought on
 any level thatthat she was a lesbian?
 Roger: I dunno. Maybe you wanted your marriage to fail.
 Ross: Why? Why would I why? Why? Why? Why?
 Roger: I don't know. Maybe maybe low self-esteem, maybe maybe to compensate for
 overshadowing a sibling, maybe you...
 Monica: Wait-wait, go back to that sibling thing.
 Roger: Well, I don't know. I mean, it's conceivable that you wanted to sabotage
 your marriage so that the sibling would feel less of a failure in the eyes of the parents.
 Ross: That that's ridiculous! I don't feel guilty for her failures!
 Monica: Oh! So you think I'm a failure!
 Phoebe: Isn't he good?
 Ross: Nonono, thatthat's not what I was saying...
 Monica: Y'know, all these years, I thought you were on my side. But maybe what
 you were doing was sucking up to Mom and Dad so they'd keep liking you better!
 Ross: Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good!
 (Cut to later. Rachel is in tears)
 Rachel: You're right! I mean you're right! It wasn't just the Weebles, but it
 was the Weeble Play Palace, and and the Weebles' Cruise Ship. Oh, which had this little
 lifeboat for the Weebles to wobble in.
 Roger: That's tough. Tough stuff. C'mon, Pheebs, we're gonna catch that movie,
 we gotta get going.
 Phoebe: Oh, okay. Feel better, Rachel, 'kay?
 Roger: Geez, we're gonna be late, sweetie...
 Phoebe: Oh, okay. Listen, thanks for everything, Mon.
 Monica: You're welcome.
 Roger: Listen guys, it was great seeing you again. Mon, um, easy on those
 cookies, okay? Remember, they're just food, they're not love.
 (He shuts the door and Ross and Monica fling cookies at it)
 Monica: Hate that guy! (Throws another cookie)
 [Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Joey are just leaving Monica and Rachel's.]
 Joey: Night, you guys.
 (They notice that a woman is sitting by their door)
 Chandler: Oh look, it's the woman we ordered.
 Joey: Hey. Can, uh, can we help you?
 Ronni: Oh, no thanks, I'm just waiting for, uh, Joey Tribbiani.
 Joey: I'm Joey Tribbiani.
 Ronni: Oh no, not you, big Joey. Oh my God, you're so much cuter than your
 pictures! (Joey stares at her) I-I'm, I'm Ronni....Cheese Nip?
 Chandler: Uh, Joey's having an embolism, but I'd go for a Nip, y'know?
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ronni is talking to Chandler. Joey's dad is not around.]
 Ronni: Now, y'see, most people, when their pets pass on, they want 'em sorta
 laid out like they're sleeping. But occasionally you get your person who wants them in a
 pose. Like, chasing their tail, (Demonstrates) or, uh, jumping to catch a frisbee.
 Chandler: Joey, if I go first, I wanna be looking for my keys.
 Ronni: That's a good one!
 (Joey's dad enters.)
 Mr. Tribbiani: Hey, Joe.
 Joey: Dad, Ronni's here.
 Mr. Tribbiani: Huh?
 Ronni: Hi.
 Mr. Tribbiani: Hey! Hello, babe! Wh what're what're you doing here?
 Ronni: Oh, uh, well, you left your good hair at my apartment, I figured you'd
 need it tomorrow for your meeting. (Hands him the hair)
 Mr. Tribbiani: Thank you. Uh...


Chandler: So, who's up for a big game of Kerplunk?
 Ronni: Look, I uh, I shouldn'ta come. I-I'd better get going, I don't wanna miss
 the last train.
 Mr. Tribbiani: I don't want you taking that thing.
 Ronni: Oh, where'm I gonna stay, here?
 Joey: Who-ah-ho.
 Mr. Tribbiani: We'll go to a hotel.
 Ronni: (Shrugs) We'll go to a hotel.
 Joey: No you won't.
 Ronni: No we won't.
 Joey: If you go to a hotel you'll be...doing stuff. I want you right here where
 I can keep an eye on you.
 Mr. Tribbiani: You're gonna keep an eye on us?
 Joey: That's right, mister, and I don't care how old you are, as long as you're
 under my roof you're gonna live by my rules. And that means no sleeping with your
 girlfriend.
 Ronni: Wow. He's strict.
 Joey: Now dad, you'll be in my room, Ronni uh, you can stay in Chandler's room.
 Ronni: Thanks. You're, uh, you're a good kid.
 Chandler: C'mon, I'll show you to my room. ...That sounds so weird when it's not
 followed by 'No thanks, it's late.'
 Joey: Okay. Now this is just for tonight. Starting tomorrow, you gotta make a
 change. This has gone on long enough.
 Mr. Tribbiani: What kinda change?
 Joey: Well, either you break it off with Ronni
 Mr. Tribbiani: I can't do that!
 Joey: Then you gotta come clean with Ma! This is not right!
 Mr. Tribbiani: Yeah, but this is
 Joey: I don't wanna hear it! Now go to my room!
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, night. Chandler and Joey are sharing the sofabed in the
 living room. Joey is restless.]
 Chandler: Hey, Kicky. What're you doing?
 Joey: Just trying to get comfortable. I can't sleep in my underwear.
 Chandler: Well, you're gonna.
 Joey: I've been thinking. Y'know, about how I'm always seeing girls on top of
 girls...
 Chandler: Are they end to end, or tall like pancakes?
 Joey: Y'know what I mean, about how I'm always going out with all these women.
 And I always figured, when the right one comes along, I'd be able to be a stand-up guy and
 go the distance, y'know? Now I'm looking at my dad, thinking...
 Chandler: Hey, you're not him. You're you. When they were all over you to go
 into your father's pipe-fitting business, did you cave?
 Joey: No.
 Chandler: No. You decided to go into the out-of-work actor business. Now that
 wasn't easy, but you did it! And I'd like to believe that when the right woman comes
 along, you will have the courage and the guts to say 'No thanks, I'm married.'
 Joey: You really think so?
 Chandler: Yeah. I really do.
 Joey: Thanks, Chandler. (Snuggles up to him)
 Chandler: Get off!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, morning. Someone knocks on the door and Monica gets it.]
 Ronni: Hi.
 Monica: Hi...May I help you?
 Ronni: Yeah, uh, Joey said I could use your shower, since, uh, Chandler's in
 ours?
 Monica: Okay...who are you?
 Ronni: Oh, I'm Ronni. Ronni Rappelano? The mistress?
 Monica: Oh, c'mon in.
 Ronni: Thanks.
 Rachel: Hi, I'm Rachel.
 Ronni: Hi.
 Rachel: Bathroom's up there.
 Ronni: Great.
 Rachel: Hey, listen, Ronni, how long would you say Chandler's been in the
 shower?
 Ronni: Oh, like, uh, five minutes?
 Rachel: Perfect. Fasten your seatbelts, it's peepee time. (She goes into Joey
 and Chandler's apartment, where Mr. Tribbiani is reading the paper) Hey, Mr. Trib.
 Mr. Tribbiani: Hey. Morning, dear.
 (Rachel goes up to the door of their bathroom)
 Rachel: Chandler Bing? It's time to see your thing.
 (She opens the door and whips back the curtain. It's Joey. They both scream)
 Joey: (Runs out in a towel) What's the matter with you?!
 Rachel: I thought it was Chandler!
 Chandler: (Comes out of his room) What? What?
 Rachel: You were supposed to be in there so I could see your thing!
 Chandler: Sorry, my my thing was in there with me.
 [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Phoebe enters.]
 All: Hey, Pheebs.
 Phoebe: Hey.
 Monica: How's it going?
 Phoebe: Good. Oh oh! Roger's having a dinner thing and he wanted me to invite
 you guys.
 (Chandler laughs)
 Phoebe: So what's going on?
 Monica: Nothing, um, it's just, um... It's Roger.
 Ross: I dunno, there's just something about...
 Chandler: Basically we just feel that he's...
 Rachel: We hate that guy.
 All: Yeah. Hate him.
 Ross: We're sorry, Pheebs, we're sorry.
 Phoebe: Uh-huh. Okay. Okay, don't you think, maybe, though, it's just that he's
 so perceptive that it freaks you out?
 All: ...No, we hate him.
 Rachel: We're sorry.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment, Joey is trying to turn the sofabed back into a
 sofa. Someone knocks on the door and it rears up at him.]
 Joey: Ma! What're you doing here?
 Mrs. Tribbiani: I came to give you this (Gives him a bag of groceries) and this.
 (Whacks him round the ear)


 The One With the Candy Hearts
 The One With the Candy Hearts
 Written by: Bill Lawrence
 Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips
 With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is eyeing a beautiful woman at the counter, and Joey and
 Chandler are egging him on to go talk to her. No pun intended. I mean it.]
 Joey: I'm tellin' you Ross, she wants you.
 Ross: She barely knows me. We just live in the same building.
 Chandler: Any contact?
 Ross: She lent me an egg once.
 Joey: You're in!
 Ross: Aw, right.
 Woman: Hi, Ross.
 Ross: Hey. (stutters something incoherent)
 Chandler: Come on, Ross, you gotta get back in the game here, ok? The Rachel
 thing's not happening, your ex-wife is a lesbian I don't think we need a third...
 Joey: Excuse me, could we get an egg over here, still in the shell? Thanks.
 Ross: An egg?
 Joey: Yeah, you're gonna go up to her and say, 'Here's your egg back, I'm
 returning your egg.'
 Chandler: I think it's winning.
 Ross: I think it's insane.
 Chandler: She'll love it. Go with the egg, my friend.
 (Ross walks over to the woman, egg in hand.)
 Joey: Think it'll work?
 Chandler: No, it's suicide. The man's got an egg.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler are there. Ross is still
 talking to the beautiful woman.]
 Monica: You can not do this.
 Rachel: Do what, do what?
 Monica: Roger wants to take her out tomorrow night.
 Rachel: No! Phoebes! Don't you remember why you dumped the guy?
 Phoebe: 'Cause he was creepy, and mean, and a little frightening... alright,
 still, it's nice to have a date on Valentine's Day!
 Monica: But Phoebe, you can go out with a creepy guy any night of the year. I
 know I do.
 Rachel: Well, what are you guys doing tomorrow night?
 Joey: Actually, tomorrow night kinda depends on how tonight goes.
 Chandler: Oh, uh, listen, about tonight...
 Joey: No, no, no, don't you dare bail on me. The only reason she's goin' out
 with me is because I said I could bring a friend for her friend.
 Chandler: Yes, I know, but her friend sounds like such a...
 Joey: Pathetic mess? I know, but come on, man, she's needy, she's
 vulnerable. I'm thinkin', cha-ching! (Rachel throws a roll at Joey. He picks it up and
 eats it.) Thanks. Look, you have not been out with a woman since Janice. You're doin'
 this.
 Ross: Hi. She said yes.
 Chandler: Yes! Way to go, man! (Chandler and Ross hug. Something crunches in
 Ross' shirt pocket.) Still got the egg, huh?
 [Scene: A Restaurant, Joey and Chandler are there, waiting for their dates to show up.]
 Joey: (Looking at himself in the reflection on a knife) How do I look?
 Chandler: Oh, uh, I... don't... care. (Joey's date shows up) Ok, now, remember,
 no trading. You get the pretty one, I get the mess.
 Lorraine: Hi, Joey. Well well, look what you brought. Very nice.
 Chandler: ...And what did you bring?
 Lorraine: She's checking the coats. Joey, I'm gonna go wash the cab smell off my
 hands. Will you get me a white Zinfandel, and a glass of red for Janice.
 Chandler: Janice?
 (Lorraine leaves. Joey shakes his head as though to say, 'It can't be the same Janice.'
 Janice enters.)
 Janice: Oh.... my.... God.
 Chandler: (angrily) Hey, it's Janice.
 [Scene: The bathroom at the restaurant, Chandler and Joey are talking.]
 Chandler: Ok, I'm makin' a break for it, I'm goin' out the window.
 Joey: No, no, no, don't! I've been waitin' for like, forever to go out with
 Lorraine. Just calm down.
 Chandler: Calm down? Calm down? You set me up with the woman that I've dumped
 twice in the last five months!
 Joey: (at the urinal) Can you stop yellin'? You're makin' me nervous, and I
 can't go when I'm nervous.
 Chandler: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're right. (gets up right behind Joey and
 yells in his ear) Come on, do it, do it, go, come on!!!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are all there, discussing their bad luck with
 men.]
 Rachel: Ok, ok, Roger was creepy, but he was nothing compared to Pete Carney.
 Monica: Which one was Pete Carney?
 Rachel: Pete the Weeper? Remember that guy who used to cry every time we had
 sex. (imitating) 'Was it good for you?'
 Monica: Yeah, well, I'll take a little crying any day over
 Howard-the-'I-win'-guy. (imitating) 'I win! I win!' I went out with
 the guy for two months I didn't get to win once.
 Rachel: How did we end up with these jerks? We're good people!
 Monica: I don't know. Maybe we're some kinda magnets.
 Phoebe: I know I am. That's why I can't wear a digital watch.
 Monica: There's more beer, right?
 Phoebe: Oh! You know my friend Abby who shaves her head? She said that if you
 want to break the bad boyfriend cycle, you can do like a cleansing ritual.


Rachel: Pheebes, this woman is voluntarily bald.
 Phoebe: Yeah. So, we can do it tomorrow night, you guys. It's Valentine's Day.
 It's perfect.
 Monica: Ok, well, what kind of ritual?
 Phoebe: Ok. We can, um, we can burn the stuff they gave us.
 Rachel: Or?
 Phoebe: Or...or we can chant and dance around naked, you know, with sticks.
 Monica: Burning's good.
 Rachel: Burning's good. Yeah, I got stuff to burn.
 [Scene: The Restaurant, Joey, Lorraine, Chandler, and Janice are at the table. Joey and
 Lorraine are seated very close, Chandler and Janice have backed their chairs away from one
 another.]
 Lorraine: You know, ever since I was little, I've been able to pick up quarters
 with my toes.
 Joey: Good for you. (jumps suddenly) Uh, quarters or rolls of quarters?
 Janice: By the way, Chandler. I cut you out of all my pictures. So if you want,
 I have a bag with just your heads.
 Chandler: That's OK.
 Janice: Oh, are you sure? Really? Because you know, you could make little
 puppets out of them, and you could use them in your theater of cruelty.
 (Lorraine whispers into Joey's ear.)
 Joey: (to Lorraine) We can't do that.
 Chandler: (disgusted) What? What can't you do?
 Joey: Uh, can I talk to you for a second, over there?
 (Chandler and Joey leave the table.)
 Joey: Uh, we might be leaving now.
 Chandler: Tell me it's 'you and me' we.
 Joey: She said she wants to slather my body with stuff and then lick it off. I'm
 not even sure what slathering is, but I definitely want to be a part of it.
 Chandler: Ok, you can not do this to me.
 Joey: You're right, I'm sorry. You're right.
 Lorraine: (to waiter) Uh, can we have three chocolate mousses to go please?
 Joey: I'm outta here. Here's my credit card. Dinner's on me. I'm sorry,
 Chandler.
 Chandler: I hope she throws up on you.
 (Joey leaves with Lorraine. Chandler sits back down with Janice.)
 Chandler: So...
 Janice: Just us.
 Chandler: Oh, what a crappy night!
 Janice: Although, I have enjoyed the fact that, uh your shirt's been stickin'
 outta your zipper ever since you came back from the bathroom.
 Chandler: Excuse me. (gets up, jumps up and down while he zips his zipper up...
 other patrons look at him) How ya doin'?
 Janice: So, do we have the best friends or what?
 Chandler: Joey's not a friend. He's...a stupid man who left us his credit card.
 Another drink? Some dessert? A big screen TV?
 Janice: I will go for that drink.
 Chandler: You got it. Good woman! (the waiter turns around, it's a man) Could we
 get a bottle of your most overpriced champagne?
 Janice: Each.
 Chandler: That's right, each. Oh, and a uh Rob Roy. (to Janice) I've always
 wanted to know...
 [Scene: Chandler's bedroom, Chandler wakes up, and finds someone else's hand on his
 chest. He rolls over and is shocked to see Janice there.]
 Janice: Happy Valentine's Day!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: The Hallway, Chandler is trying to get Janice out of his apartment.]
 Janice: Oh, I miss you already. Can you believe this happened?
 Chandler: No... no! And yet it did. Good-bye, Janice.
 Janice: Kiss me!
 (Janice kisses him. Monica comes out for the newspaper.)
 Monica: Oh, Chandler, sorry.
 (Janice turns around, Monica sees who it is.)
 Monica: Ohhh, Chandler, sorry! Hey, Janice.
 Janice: Hi, Monica.
 Chandler: Ok, well, this was very special.
 Monica: Rach, come see who's out here!
 (Rachel comes out.)
 Rachel: Oh my god. Janice, hi!
 Chandler: Janice is gonna go away now.
 Monica: I'll be right back.
 (Joey enters from the stairs.)
 Rachel: Oh, Joey, look who it is.
 Joey: (in disbelief) Whoa.
 Chandler: Oh, good, Joey's home now.
 Janice: This is so fun. This is like a reunion in the hall.
 (Monica comes out with her cordless phone.)
 Monica: Oh, hi, Ross. Yeah. There's someone I want you to say hi to. (to
 Chandler) He just happened to call.
 Janice: Hi, Ross. Yes, it's me. How did you know? (she laughs obnoxiously)
 [Scene: A Chinese Restaurant, Ross is there with his date.]
 Ross: I'm just sayin' if dogs do experience jet lag, then, because of the whole
 um, seven dog years to one human year thing, then, when a dog flies from New York to Los
 Angeles, he doesn't just lose three hours, he loses like a week and a half.
 (Ross starts to laugh, and then makes a face like 'Why did I just say that?' Ross'
 ex-wife, Carol, and her lesbian lover, Susan, enter the restaurant. Ross stares at them.)
 Kristin: That's funny. Who are they?
 Ross: The blond woman is my ex-wife, and the woman touching her is her... close,
 personal friend.
 Kristin: You mean they're lovers.
 Ross: If you wanna put a label on it.
 Kristin: Wow, uh, anything else I should know?


Ross: Nope, nope, that's it.
 (Carol takes off her jacket, her pregnant belly is exposed.)
 Ross: Oh, and she's pregnant with my baby. I always forget that part. (to Carol
 and Susan) Helloo!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are holding their boyfriend bonfire.]
 Phoebe: Ok, so now we need, um sage branches and the sacramental wine.
 Monica: All I have is, is oregano and a Fresca.
 Phoebe: Um, that's ok! (throws it in fire) Ok. All right. Now we need the semen
 of a righteous man.
 Rachel: Ok, Pheebs, you know what, if we had that, we wouldn't be doing the
 ritual in the first place.
 Monica: Can we just start throwing things in?
 Phoebe: Ok, yeah, ok. (she throws the directions in) Oh, OK.
 Rachel: (tossing things in the fire) Ok, Barry's letters. Adam Ritter's boxer
 shorts.
 Phoebe: Ok, and I have the, uh receipt for my dinner with Nokululu Oon Ah Ah.
 Monica: Look, here's a picture of Scotty Jared naked.
 Rachel: (looking at picture) Hey he's wearing a sweater.
 Monica: No.
 Rachel and Phoebe: Eww!
 Rachel: And here we have the last of Paulo's grappa.
 Monica: Hey, Rachel, isn't that stuff almost pure...
 (Rachel throws the alcohol in the fire. A burst of flames shoots up from it.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are there. Chandler is preparing to dump Janice
 again.]
 Chandler: How can I dump this woman on Valentine's day?
 Joey: I don't know. You dumped her on New Year's.
 Chandler: Oh, man. In my next life, I'm coming back as a toilet brush.
 (Janice enters.)
 Janice: Hello, funny Valentine.
 Chandler: Hi, Just Janice.
 Janice: Hello, Joey, our little matchmaker. I could just kiss you all over, and
 I'm gonna!
 (Janice kisses Joey all over. Chandler smiles.)
 Joey: (to Chandler) If you don't do it, I will.
 [Scene: The Chinese Restaurant.]
 Ross: So, um, what do you do for a living?
 Kristin: Well, um, for the past few years I've been working..(Ross is watching
 Carol and Susan, not listening to Kristin. Susan gets up, and has to go. Carol is left
 stranded)...which is funny because, that wasn't even my major.
 Carol: Oh no. I thought you said they could shoot the spot without you.
 Susan: I thought they could...I'll try to get back as soon as I can. I'm sorry.
 (Ross realizes Kristin was expecting him to laugh, so he starts to laugh hysterically.)
 Ross: Now that is funny. Hey, do you think...would it be too weird if I invited
 Carol over to join us? 'Cause she's, she's alone now, and pregnant, and, and sad.
 Kristin: (reluctantly) I guess.
 Ross: Are you sure? Great. Carol? Wanna come over and join us?
 Carol: Oh, no no no. I'm fine. I'm fine.
 Ross: Come on. These people'll scooch down. You guys'll scooch, won't you? Let's
 try scooching! Come on. Come on. Uh, Kristen Riggs, this is Carol Willick. Carol, Kristin.
 Uh, Carol teaches sixth grade. And, Kristin, Kristin...(struggling)...does something that,
 funnily enough, wasn't even her major!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, firemen are there to handle the bonfire that got out of
 control.]
 Fireman No. 1: What do we got there?
 Fireman No. 2: A piece of something: boxer shorts, greeting cards, and what
 looks like a half-charred picture Wow, that guy's hairier than the Chief!
 Monica: You know, it's a really funny story how this happened.
 Fireman No. 3: It's all right. It's all right. You don't have to explain. This
 isn't the first boyfriend bonfire that we've seen get out of control.
 Fireman No. 1: You're our third call tonight.
 Rachel: Really?
 Fireman No. 2: Oh, sure, Valentine's is our busiest night of the year.
 [Scene: Central Perk.]
 Janice: I brought you something.
 Chandler: Is it loaded? Oh, little candy hearts. (reading the candy) Chan and
 Jan Forever.
 Janice: I had them made special.
 Chandler: Ok, Janice. Janice. Hey, Janice. Look, there's no way for me to tell
 you this. At least there's no new way for me to tell you this. I just don't things
 are gonna work out.
 Janice: That's fine.
 Chandler: (surprised) It is?
 Janice: Mmm-hmm. Because I know that this isn't the end.
 Chandler: Oh no, you see, actually it is.
 Janice: No, it isn't, because you won't let that happen. Don't you know it yet?
 You love me, Chandler Bing.
 Chandler: Oh, no I don't.
 Janice: Well then ask yourself this. Why do you think we keep ending up
 together? New Year's? Who invited who? Valentine's? Who asked who into whose bed?
 Chandler: I did, but...
 Janice: You seek me out. Something deep in your soul calls out to me like a
 foghorn. Janice, Janice. You want me. You need me. You can't live without me. And you know
 it. You just don't know you know it. See ya.
 (She kisses him passionately,then leaves.)
 Chandler: Call me!
 [Scene: The Chinese Restaurant, Ross and Carol are talking. Kristin is not there.]
 Carol: It's not true. I never called your mother a wolverine.


 The One With the Stoned Guy
 The One With the Stoned Guy
 Written by: Jeff Greenstein & Jeff Strauss
 Transcribed by: Ruth Curran
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving Joey, Ross, and Monica their drinks.]
 Rachel: (to Joey) Coffee. (Hands it to him.)
 Joey: Thank you.
 Rachel: (to Ross) Cappuccino. (Hands it to him.)
 Ross: Grazie.
 Rachel: And a nice hot cider for Monica. (Hands it to her.)
 Monica: Aww, thank you. (Notices something.) Uh Rach?
 Rachel: Yeah?
 Monica: Why does my cinamon stick have an eraser?
 Rachel: Oh! That's why. (Rachel checks behind her ear, and finds a cinamon
 stick.) I'm sorry!
 (She takes the pencil out of Monica's coffee and Monica puts her cup down in disgust.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Chandler's job, Chandler is typing data into his computer, he keeps typing even
 while taking a drink of coffee with one hand. One of his co-workers walks by.]
 Woman: Chandler.
 Chandler: Mrs. Tedlock. You're looking lovely today. And may I say, that is a very
 flattering sleeve length on you.
 Mrs. Tedlock: Yes. Well, Mr. Kostelick wants you to stop by his office at the
 end of the day.
 Chandler: Oh, listen. If this is about those prank memos, I had nothing to do
 with them. Really. Nothing at all. Really. (Chandler tries to hide a rubber chicken from
 the woman.) Nothing.
 [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there but Chandler. Phoebe runs in, excitedly.]
 Phoebe: Hey you guys! Chandler's coming and he says he has, like, this
 incredible news, so when he gets here, we could all act like, you know...
 (Chandler comes in.)
 Chandler: Hey!
 All: Hey!
 Phoebe: Never mind. But it was going to be really good.
 Ross: What's going on?
 All: What is it?
 Chandler: So, it's a typical day at work. I'm inputting my numbers, and big Al
 calls me into his office and tells me he wants to make me processing supervisor.
 All: That's great!
 Chandler: So.... I quit.
 All: Why?
 Chandler: Why? This was supposed to be a temp job!
 Monica: Yeah, Chandler... you've been there for five years.
 Chandler: If I took this promotion, it'd be like admitting that this is what I
 actually do.
 Phoebe: So was it a lot more money?
 Chandler: It doesn't matter. I just don't want to be one of those guys that's in
 his office until twelve o'clock at night worrying about the WENUS.
 (Everyone looks at him, confused.)
 Rachel: ... the WENUS?
 Chandler: Weekly Estimated Net Usage Systems. A processing term.
 Rachel: (sarcastic) Oh. That WENUS.
 Joey: So what're you going to do?
 Chandler: I don't know. That's the thing. I don't know what I want to do. I just
 know I'm not going to figure it out working there.
 Phoebe: Oooh! I have something you can do! I have this new massage client...
 Steve? (pause) Anyway, he's opening up a restaurant and he's looking for a head chef.
 Monica: (taps Phoebe on her shoulder) Um... hi there.
 Phoebe: Hi! (turns back to Chandler, then to Monica) Oh, yeah, no, I know.
 You're a chef. I know, and I thought of you first, but um, Chandler's the one who needs a
 job right now, so....
 Chandler: Yeah... I just don't have that much cheffing experience. Unless it's
 an all-toast restaurant.
 Phoebe: (to Monica's tapping) Yeah, yeah!
 Monica: Well, what kind of food is he looking for?
 Phoebe: Well, he wants to do some ecclectic, so he's looking for someone who
 can, you know, create the entire menu.
 Monica: (excited) Oh my God!
 Phoebe: Yeah, I know! (turns to Chandler) So, what do you think?
 Chandler: Thanks, Phoebe. But I just don't really see myself in a big white hat.
 Phoebe: OK. (pause) Oh Monica! Guess what!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler walks in, wearing a suit.]
 Chandler: Can you see my nipples through this shirt?
 Rachel: No. But don't worry, I'm sure they're still there.
 Phoebe: Where are you going, Mr. Suity-Man?
 Chandler: Well, I have an appointment to see Dr. Robert Pillman, career
 counselor a-gogo. (pause) I added the 'a-gogo.'
 Rachel: Career counselor?
 Chandler: Hey, you guys all know what you want to do.
 Rachel: I don't!
 Chandler: Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do.
 You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream.
 Ross: Ah, the lesser-known 'I don't have a dream' speech.
 (Monica enters, excited.)
 Monica: Oh, I love my life, I love my life!
 Phoebe: Ooh! Brian's Song!
 Rachel: The meeting with the guy went great?
 Monica: So great! He showed me where the restaurant's going to be. It's this,
 it's this cute little place on 10th Street. Not too big, not too small. Just right.
 Chandler: Was it formerly owned by a blonde woman and some bears?
 Monica: So anyway, I'm cooking dinner for him Monday night. You know, kind of
 like an audition. And Phoebe, he really wants you to be here, which will be great for me
 because then you can 'ooh' and 'ahh' and make yummy noises.


Rachel: What are you going to make?
 Phoebe: (as though Rachel wasn't paying attention) Yummy noises.
 Rachel: (pause) And Monica, what are you going to make?
 Monica: I don't know. I don't know. It's just going to be so great!
 Phoebe: Ooh! I know what you could make! (runs over to join Monica and Rachel in
 the kitchen) I know! Oh, you should definitely make that thing... you know, with the
 stuff? (Monica doesn't know.) You know, that thing... with the stuff...? OK, I don't know.
 (sits down)
 Ross: Hey guys, does anybody know a good date place in the neighborhood?
 Joey: How about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free.
 Ross: OK, ahem, hey, does anybody know a good place if you're not dating a puma?
 Chandler: Who are you going out with?
 Phoebe: Oh, is this the bug lady?
 Rachel: (trying to sound like a bug) Bzzzz.... I love you, Ross.
 Ross: Her name is Celia. She's not a bug lady. She's curator of insects at the
 museum.
 Rachel: So what are you guys going to do?
 Ross: Oh, I just thought we could go out to dinner, and then maybe bring her
 back to my place and I'd introduce her to my monkey.
 Chandler: And he's not speaking metaphorically.
 Joey: (aside to Ross) So.... back to your place...you thinking, maybe...
 (gestures with hands, back and forth) huh-huh?
 Ross: Well, I don't know.... (gestures) huh-huh.... but I'm hoping (gestures)
 huh-huh.
 Joey: I'm telling you, that monkey is a chick magnet! She's going to take one
 look at his furry, cute little face and it'll seal the deal.
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, Marcel is hanging from Celia's hair, and she is screaming,
 trying to get him off.]
 Ross: Celia, don't worry! Don't scream! He's not going to hurt you!
 Soothing tones, Celia. Soothing tones! Marcel...
 Celia: I can't stand this! He's got his claws in my...
 Ross: Alright... (lifts Marcel away)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there but Ross and Chandler. Monica is making
 food, and having everyone try it.]
 Monica: (to Joey) OK, try this salmon mousse.
 Joey: (tasting) Mmmm. Good.
 Monica: Is it better than the other salmon mousse?
 Joey: It's creamier.
 Monica: Yeah, well, is that better?
 Joey: I don't know. We're talking about whipped fish, Monica. I'm just happy I'm
 keeping it down, y'know?
 (Chandler kicks the door closed, angrily. His clothes are askew, he looks beat.)
 Rachel: My God! What happened to you?
 Chandler: Eight and a half hours of aptitude tests, intelligence tests,
 personality tests... and what do I learn? (he taps the results and reads them) 'You
 are ideally suited for a career in data processing for a large multinational
 corporation.'
 Phoebe: That's so great! 'Cause you already know how to do that!
 Chandler: Can you believe it? I mean, don't I seem like somebody who should be
 doing something really cool? You know, I just always pictured myself doing
 something...something.
 Rachel: (comes up and rubs him on the chest) Oh Chandler, I know, I know... oh,
 hey! You can see your nipples through this shirt!
 Monica: (brings a plate of tiny appetizers over) Here you go, maybe this'll
 cheer you up.
 Chandler: Ooh, you know, I had a grape about five hours ago, so I'd better split
 this with you.
 Monica: It's supposed to be that small. It's a pre-appetizer. The French call it
 an amouz-bouche.
 Chandler: (tastes it) Well.... it is amouz-ing...
 (Phone rings. Monica answers it.)
 Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh, hi Wendy! (Listens) Yeah, eight o'clock.
 (Listens) What did we say? Ten dollars an hour?... (Listens) OK, great. (Listens) All
 right, I'll see you then. Bye. (hangs up)
 Phoebe: Ten dollars an hour for what?
 Monica: Oh, I asked one of the waitresses at work if she'd help me out.
 Rachel: (hurt) Waitressing?
 Joey: Uh-oh.
 Monica: Well... of course I thought of you! But... but...
 Rachel: But, but?
 Monica: But, you see, it's just... this night has to go just perfect, you know?
 And, well, Wendy's more of a... professional waitress.
 Rachel: Oh! I see. And I've sort of been maintaining my amateur status so that I
 can waitress in the Olympics.
 Chandler: You know, I don't mean to brag, but I waited tables at Innsbruck in
 '76. (dead silence) Amouz-bouche? (holds out tray)
 [Scene: Ross' apartment, Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon (the original, not that
 cruddy Urge Overkill version) is playing. Ross and Celia are kissing passionately.]
 Celia: Talk to me.
 Ross: OK.... um, a weird thing happened to me on the train this morning...
 Celia: No no no. Talk... dirty.
 Ross: (embarrassed) Wha... what, here?
 Celia: Yes...
 Ross: Ah....
 Celia: Say something..... hot.
 Ross: (panicked) Er.... um.....
 Celia: What?
 Ross: Um... uh.... vulva.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Ross are there, discussing what happened last
 night.]


Joey: (in disbelief) Vulva?
 Ross: Alright, I panicked, alright? She took me by surprise. You know, but it
 wasn't a total loss. I mean, we ended up cuddling.
 Joey: (sarcastic) Whoaa!! You cuddled? How many times??
 Ross: Shut up! It was nice. I just... I don't think I'm the dirty-talking kind
 of guy, you know?
 Joey: What's the big deal? You just say what you want to do to her. Or what you
 want her to do to you. Or what you think other people might be doing to each other. I'll
 tell you what. Just try something on me.
 Ross: (deadpan) Please be kidding.
 Joey: Why not? Come on! Just, just close your eyes and tell me what you'd like
 to be doing right now.
 Ross: OK. (closes eyes) I'm in my apartment...
 Joey: ....yeah... what else?
 Ross: That's it. I'm in my apartment, you're not there, we're not having this
 conversation. (gets up, walks across room)
 Joey: (walks to catch up to him) Alright, look, I'll start, OK?
 Ross: Joey, please.
 Joey: Come on. Come on. Alright, ready, look! (in a low voice) Oh... Ross....
 you get me so hot. I want your lips on me now.
 Ross: (impressed) Wow.
 Joey: Alright, now you say something.
 Ross: I... ahem... I really don't think so.
 Joey: Come on! You like this woman, right?
 Ross: Yeah.
 Joey: You want to see her again, right?
 Ross: Sure.
 Joey: Well if you can't talk dirty to me, how're you going to talk dirty to her?
 Now tell me you want to caress my butt!
 Ross: OK, turn around. (Joey looks taken aback) I just don't want you staring at
 me when I'm doing this.
 Joey: (turning around) Alright, alright. I'm around. Go ahead.
 Ross: Ahem... I want.... OK, I want to... feel your... hot, soft skin with my
 lips.
 Joey: There you go! Keep going. Keep going!
 Ross: I, er...
 (At this point, Chandler walks into the living room from his bedroom. Ross and Joey
 both have their backs to him, so they don't notice. Chandler sees the situation and
 remains quiet, watching.)
 Ross: I want to take my tongue... and...
 (Chandler is completely astounded.)
 Ross: ....and....
 Joey: Say it... say it!
 Ross: ...run it all over your body until you're... trembling with... with...
 (Chandler leans back against the wall and Ross and Joey hear him. Ross and Joey both
 notice at the same time. They slowly stop, and then very slowly turn around to see
 Chandler staring at them.)
 Chandler: (smiling)....with??
 Ross: (rushing to explain) Funny story!
 Joey: You're not going to believe this!
 Chandler: It's OK. It's OK. I was always rooting for you two kids to get
 together.
 Joey: Hey Chandler, while you were sleeping that guy from your old job called
 again.
 Chandler: Again?
 Joey: And again, and again, and again... (phone rings, he answers) Hello? (hands
 phone to Chandler) And again.
 Chandler: (on phone) Hey Mr. Kostelic! How's life on the fifteenth floor?
 (Listens) Yeah, I miss you too. (Listens) Yeah, it's a lot less satisfying to steal pens
 from your own home, you know? (Listens) Well, that's very generous (Listens) er, but look,
 this isn't about the money. I need something that's more than a job. I need something I
 can really care about.... (Listens) And that's on top of the yearly bonus structure you
 mentioned earlier? (Listens) Look, Al, Al... I'm not playing hardball here, OK? This is
 not a negotiation, this is a rejection! (Listens) No! No! No, stop saying numbers! I'm
 telling you, you've got the wrong guy! You've got the wrong guy! (Listens) I'll see you on
 Monday! (slams the phone down)
 [Scene: Chandler's new window office, he is showing Phoebe around.]
 Chandler: Well?
 Phoebe: (excited) Wow! It's huge! It's so much bigger than the cubicle. Oh, this
 is a cube.
 Chandler: Look at this! (he opens the curtain to a view of New York City)
 Phoebe: Oh! You have a window!
 Chandler: Yes indeedy! (they look outside) With a beautiful view of...
 Phoebe: Oh look! That guy's peeing!
 Chandler: (walks away from window) OK, that's enough of the view. Check this
 out, look at this. Sit down, sit down.
 Phoebe: (sitting) OK.
 Chandler: This is great! (he presses a button on his intercom) Helen, could you
 come in here for a moment?
 (An unamused woman walks into the office.)
 Chandler: Thank you Helen, that'll be all.
 (She leaves, obviously perturbed.)
 Chandler: Last time I do that, I promise.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the phone. Rachel walks in and overhears the
 conversation.]
 Monica: (shouting on phone) Wendy, we had a deal! (Listens) Yeah, you promised!
 Wendy! Wendy! Wendy! (hangs up)
 Rachel: Who was that?
 Monica: Wendy bailed. I have no waitress.
 Rachel: Oh... that's too bad. Bye bye. (she walks away towards the door)
 Monica: Ten dollars an hour.


Rachel: No.
 Monica: Twelve dollars an hour.
 Rachel: Mon. I wish I could, but I've made plans to walk around.
 Monica: You know, Rachel, when you ran out of your wedding, I was there for you.
 I put a roof over your head, and if that means nothing to you... (Rachel isn't buying it,
 desperate) twenty dollars an hour.
 Rachel: Done.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later. Rachel is waitressing, Monica is cooking. Phoebe
 walks in with Steve (Crystal Duck winner Jon Lovitz).]
 Rachel: Well hello! Welcome to Monica's. May I take your coat?
 Monica: Hi Steve!
 Steve: Hello, Monica. (to Rachel) Hello, greeter girl.
 Monica: (to Steve) This is Rachel.
 Steve: (unconcerned) Yeah, OK.
 Phoebe: (overemphasizing) Mmmmmm! Everything smells so delicious! You know, I
 can't remember a time I smelt such a delicious combination of (Monica signals her to stop)
 of, OK, smells.
 Steve: It's a lovely apartment.
 Monica: Oh, thank you. Would you like a tour?
 Steve: I was just being polite, but, alright.
 (They leave on the tour and Rachel goes to follow them but Phoebe stops her and drags
 her into the kitchen.)
 Rachel: What's up?
 Phoebe: (whispers) In the cab, on the way over, Steve blazed up a doobie.
 Rachel: What?
 Phoebe: Smoked a joint? You know, lit a bone? Weed? Hemp? Ganja?
 Rachel: OK, OK. I'm with you, Cheech. OK.
 Steve: (from the living room) Is it dry in here? (licks his lips)
 Rachel: Let me, let me get you some wine!
 Monica: Yeah, I think we're ready for our first course. (Steve sits, Monica
 brings over a tray) OK, um, these are rot-shrimp ravioli, and celantro pondou sauce...
 (Steve starts to eat them one by one, quickly)... with just a touch of mints... and... (he
 finishes)... ginger.
 Steve: Well, smack my ass and call me Judy! These are fantastic!
 Monica: I'm so glad you liked them!
 Steve: Like 'em? I could eat a hundred of them!
 Monica: Oh, well... um, that's all there are of these. But in about eight and a
 half minutes, we'll be serving some delicious onion tartlets.
 Steve: Tartlets. Tartlets. Tartlets. The word has lost all meaning. (he gets up
 and goes into the kitchen)
 Rachel: Excuse me? Can I help you with anything?
 Steve: You know, I don't know what I'm looking for.
 (Rachel tries to get Monica's attention to tell her Steve is stoned. She pretends to
 drag on a joint, and Monica thinks she's giving her the 'OK' signal. Then Rachel does it
 again, inhaling deeply this time. Monica waves it off as though she doesn't believe it.)
 Steve: (from kitchen) Ah, cool! Taco shells! (Rachel motions, 'You
 see!') You know, these are... they're like a little corn envelope.
 Monica: (joining him and taking the taco shells) You know that? You don't want
 to spoil your appetite.
 Steve: (looking in cabinets) Hey! Sugar-O's! (grabs the cereal box)
 Monica: You know, if you just wait another... six and a half minutes...
 Steve: Macaroni and cheese! We gotta make this!
 Monica: No, we don't. (reaches for box)
 Steve: Oh, OK. (he drops the box on the floor) Oh, sorry. (When she bends down
 to pick it up he grabs a package of Gummi-bears from the cabinet.)
 Monica: Why don't you just have a seat here? (he sits at the table, then tries
 to secretly eat the Gummi-bears. Monica spots him.) OK... give me the Gummi-bears.
 Steve: (childishly) No.
 Monica: Give them to me.
 Steve: Alright, we'll share.
 Monica: No, give me the...
 Steve: Well then you can't have any. (she grabs for the package, and it breaks
 open. Gummi-bears fly everywhere, some into the punch bowl on the table.) Bear overboard!
 I think he's drowning. (he throws some Sugar-O's into the punch bowl) Hey fellows! Grab on
 a Sugar-O... save yourself! (Mimicking the bears) 'Help! I'm drowning!
 Help!'
 Monica: (furious) That's it! Dinner is over!
 Steve: What?
 Monica: What?
 Steve: Why?
 Monica: Why? It's just that I've waited seven years for an opportunity like
 this, and you can't even wait four and a half minutes for a stupid onion tartlet?
 (The oven goes off.)
 Steve: (excited) Hey!
 [Scene: Central Perk, all are there except Chandler.]
 Joey: What a tool!
 Rachel: You don't want to work for a guy like that.
 Ross: Yeah!
 Monica: I know... it's just... I thought this was, you know... it.
 Ross: Look, you'll get there. You're an amazing chef.
 Phoebe: Yeah! You know all those yummy noises? I wasn't faking.
 (Ross gets up and goes over to the counter and Joey follows him.)
 Joey: (to Ross) So, er... how did it go with Celia?
 Ross: Oh, I was unbelievable.
 Joey: All right, Ross!
 Ross: I was the James Michener of dirty talk. It was the most elaborate filth
 you have ever heard. I mean, there were characters, plot lines, themes, a motif...
 at one point there were villagers.


 The One With Two Parts, part 1
 The One With Two Parts, part 1
 Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane
 Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly
 With Minot Adjustments by: Tennant Stuart
 [Scene: Rift's Restaurant, as seen in Mad About You, Joey and Chandler are
 there.]
 Chandler: This is unbelievable. It's been like a half an hour. If this was a
 cartoon, you'd be looking like a ham right about now.
 (Ursula Buffay, Phoebe's identical twin sister, is waiting on tables in her
 inimitable manner.)
 Joey: There's the waitress. Excuse me, Miss. Hello, Miss?
 (Ursula spins around looking puzzled, quite unable to tell where the sound is coming
 from.)
 Chandler: It's Phoebe! Hi!
 (Ursula notices Joey waving his hand, and comes over.)
 Ursula: Hi. Okay, will that be all?
 Chandler: Wait, wait! Wh-what are you doing here?
 Ursula: Yeah, um, I was over there, then you said, 'Excuse me, hello
 Miss,' so now I'm here.
 Joey: No, no... how come you are working here?
 Ursula: Right, yeah, 'cause its close to where I live, and the aprons are
 really cute.
 Chandler: Can we start over?
 Ursula: Yeah. Okay great. I'm gonna be over here. (She wanders away.)
 Chandler and Joey: No, no, no!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: A wintry February day in New York City, snowplows are clearing the streets.
 Inside Central Perk, all three girls are paying court to Ross.]
 Ross: I don't know whether he's testing me, or just acting out, but my
 monkey is out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine,
 'supposedly' by accident.
 Rachel: No, yeah, I've done that.
 Ross: And then, like three days in a row he got to the newspaper before I did, and
 peed all over the crossword.
 Rachel: I've never done that.
 (Outside in the street, Joey and Chandler arrive, to peer through the window at Phoebe,
 by bending down to look underneath the shop's sign a large steaming cup of
 coffee.)
 Chandler: All right, now look at her and tell me she doesn't look exactly like
 her sister.
 Joey: I'm sayin' I see a difference.
 Chandler: They're twins!
 Joey: I don't care. Phoebe's Phoebe. Ursula's... hot!
 (Joey and Chandler come indoors.)
 Chandler: You know that thing, when you and I talk to each other about things?
 Joey: Yeah.
 Chandler: Let's not do that any more.
 (They hang up their coats and scarves, then approach their friends on the main sofa.)
 All: Hey guys! Hey!
 Joey: Hey Pheebs, guess who we saw today.
 Phoebe: Ooh, ooh, fun! Okay... um, Liam Neeson.
 Joey: Nope.
 Phoebe: Morly Safer.
 Joey: Nope.
 Phoebe: The woman who cuts my hair!
 Monica: Okay, look, this could be a really long game.
 Chandler: Your sister Ursula.
 Phoebe: (Her face dropping) Oh, really.
 Chandler: Yeah, yeah, she works over at that place, uh...
 Phoebe: Rift's. Yeah, I know.
 Chandler: Oh, you do? Because she said you guys haven't talked in like years.
 Phoebe: Hmmm? Yeah. So, um, is she fat?
 Joey: Not from where I was standin'.
 Phoebe: (Turning to Chandler) where were you standing?
 Rachel: Um, Pheebs, so, you guys just don't get along?
 Phoebe: It's mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know, I mean, like, everyone
 always thought of her as the pretty one, you know... Oh, oh, she was the first one to
 start walking, even though I did it... later that same day. But, to my parents, by then it
 was like 'yeah, right, well what else is new?'
 Ross: Oh, Pheebs, I'm sorry, I've got to go. I've got Lamaze class.
 Chandler: Oh, and I've got Earth Science, but I'll catch you in Gym.
 Rachel: So, is this just gonna be you and Carol?
 Ross: No, Susan's gonna be there too. We've got dads, we've got
 lesbians, the whole parenting team.
 Rachel: Well, isn't, isn't that gonna be weird?
 Ross: No, no. (Distractedly putting on a jacket to go out) I mean, it mighta been
 at first, but by now I, I think I'm pretty comfortable with the whole situation.
 Monica: Ross, that's my jacket.
 Ross: I know.
 (Rachel grins as Ross removes the girlie jacket, grabs his own, and rushes out.)
 [Scene: The Lamaze class, several couples and one trio sit on the floor, introducing
 themselves to the teacher, who's got as far as a woman sitting next to Ross, Carol,
 and Susan.]
 Woman: Hi, we're the Rostins. Err, I'm J.C., and he's Michael, and
 we're having a boy, and a girl.
 Teacher: Good for you. Alrighty, next?
 Ross: Hi, um, I'm err, (has to clear his throat) I'm Ross Geller, and err
 ah... (pats Carol's bulge) ..that's, that's my boy in there, and uh,
 (points) this is Carol Willick, and this... is Susan Bunch. Susan is um Carol's,
 just, com... (embarrassment finally overwhelms the poor fellow, who becomes incoherent
 until) ..who's next?
 Teacher: I'm sorry, I didn't get... Susan is?


Ross: Susan is Carol's, Carol's, Carol's, friend...
 Carol: Life partner.
 Ross: Like buddies.
 Susan: Like lovers.
 Ross: You know how close women can get.
 (The teacher smiles, but her eyebrows go up. Susan and Carol pat each other
 affectionately.)
 Carol: Susan and I live together.
 Ross: Although I was married to her.
 Susan: Carol, not me.
 Ross: Err, right.
 Carol: It's a little complicated.
 Ross: A little.
 Susan: But we're fine.
 Ross: Absolutely. (Turns back to the woman next to him.) So, twins... hah!
 That's like two births. (He struggles again.) Ouch.
 [Scene : Chandler's Office, Chandler is working.]
 (Helen's buzzer is heard on the intercom, so Chandler presses his button, too.)
 Chandler: And (he imitates the buzzer) to you too, Helen.
 Helen: (Over the intercom) Nina Bookbinder is here to see you.
 Chandler: Oh, okay. Send her in.
 (He hurriedly checks his hair in his computer screen, before taking a sporting trophy
 from a drawer to place ostentatiously on his desk. An attractive young woman opens the
 door.)
 Nina: Hi.
 Chandler: Hi, Nina. Come on in.
 Nina: You wanted to see me?
 Chandler: Uh, Yes. Yes. I've just been going over your data here, and little
 thing, you've been post-dating your Friday numbers.
 Nina: Which is bad, because?
 Chandler: Well, it throws my WENUS out of whack.
 Nina: Your... excuse me?
 Chandler: WENUS. (Coughs) Weekly Estimated Net...
 Nina: Oh, Net Usage Statistics, right. Gotcha, gotcha. Won't happen again. I
 wouldn't want to do anything to hurt your... 'wenus.'
 (Nina beams flirtatiously at Chandler, who catches her drift, but for once he's
 lost for something to say – so she nods her head to tell him that he's
 thinking correctly...)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler, and the girls are dividing some Chinese
 takeout, while the sitcom Family Matters is playing on the TV.]
 Chandler: It's not just that she's cute, okay. It's just that...
 she's really really cute.
 Ross: It doesn't matter. You don't dip your pen in the company ink.
 (Marcel scampers about, interfering with the neatness.)
 Monica: Ross, your little creature's got the remote again.
 Ross: Marcel, Marcel, give Rossie the remote. Marcel. Marcel, you give Rossie the
 remote right now... Marce... you give Rossie the remote...
 (Marcel points the remote at Monica's television, pressing a particular
 combination of keys. The logo SAP appears on the screen, and suddenly the dialogue is
 dubbed into Spanish.)
 Monica: Great.
 Ross: Relax, I'll fix it.
 Rachel: (Looking at the television) Cool... 'Urkel' in Spanish is
 'Urkel.'
 Ross: (looking at the remote) How did he do this?
 Chandler: (Looking out at the balcony) So tell me something, is leaving the
 Christmas lights up part of your plan to keep us merry all year long?
 (Rachel slowly spins around, finally noticing that the lights have outstayed their
 welcome.)
 Monica: Ah no, you see, someone was supposed to take them down around New
 Year's... but obviously someone forgot.
 Rachel: Well, someone was supposed to write 'Rach, take down the
 lights' and put it on the re... frigerate... (finally noticing Monica's note
 stuck to the refrigerator) How long has that been there?
 (Joey enters, looking extremely pleased with himself.)
 Chandler: Hey, where you been?
 Joey: I went back to Riff's. I think Ursula likes me. All I ordered was
 coffee, she brought me a tuna meltt and four
 plates of curly fries.
 Chandler: Score.
 Joey: She is so hot!
 Chandler: Yeah, listen. Okay, before you do anything Joey-like, you might wanna run
 it by err... (he indicates Phoebe, who is helping Ross understand the remote control.)
 Joey: Pheebs?
 Phoebe: (Jumping up) Yeah?
 Joey: You think it would be okay if I asked out your sister?
 Phoebe: Why? Why would you wanna... do that? Why?
 Joey: So that if we went out on a date, she'd be there.
 Phoebe: Well, I mean, I'm not my sister's, you know, whatever, and um...
 I mean, it's true, we were one egg, once, but err, you know, we've grown apart,
 so, um... I don't know, why not? Okay.
 Joey: Cool, thanks.
 (He happily gestures at Chandler that there was nothing to worry about, then exits.
 Rachel and Monica are concerned for poor Phoebe, who slides back down next to Ross.)
 Ross: You okay?
 Phoebe: Yeah I'm fine.
 Ross: You wanna watch Laverne y Shirley?
 (The sitcom begins with its familiar refrain, yet with a Latin lilt. Rachel and Monica
 do a little dance with their chopsticks, and Phoebe has to grin as Ross joins in the
 rhythm.)
 [Scene: Lamaze class. Susan is there. Each couple has a doll, for they have just
 finished learning how to change a diaper. As Ross rushes in, stepping on the Rostins'
 pretend baby, squashing its head flat. It bleats, in protest. He performs emergency
 surgery, then hands the doll back to J.C.]
 Ross: Sorry.
 Ross: Hi. Sorry I'm late. Where's, where's Carol?
 Susan: Stuck at school. Some parent-teacher thing. You can go. I'll get the
 information.


Ross: No... No... No. I think I should stay, I think we should both know
 what's going on.
 Susan: Oh, good. This'll be fun.
 Teacher: Alrighty. We're gonna start with some basic third stage breathing
 exercises, so Mummies, why don't you get on your back? And... coaches, you should be
 supporting Mummy's head.
 (Ross and Susan each gesture for the other to lie down.)
 Ross and Susan: What? What? What?
 Susan: I am supposed to be the mommy?
 Ross: Okay, I'm gonna play my sperm card one more time.
 Susan: Look, I don't see why I should have to miss out on the coaching
 training just because I'm a woman.
 Ross: I see. So what do you propose to do?
 Susan: I will flip you for it.
 Ross: Flip me for it? No, no, no... heads, heads, heads!
 Susan: (Triumphantly) On your back... Mom.
 (Ross gets down like all the other mothers, cradled in Susan's lap like all the
 other fathers.)
 Teacher: Alright, Mommies, take a nice deep cleansing breath.
 (Forgetting herself, Susan does the 'Mommy' action with Ross.)
 Teacher: Good. Now imagine your vagina is opening like a flower.
 (Ross comes out of character to glare into the distance.)
 [Scene: Chandler's Office. Chandler is playing with a toy as his boss Mr. Douglas
 knocks and opens the door.]
 Chandler: Mr. D, how's it going, sir?
 Mr. Douglas: Ohh, it's been better. The Annual Net Usage Statistics are in.
 Chandler: And?
 Mr. Douglas: It's pretty ugly. We haven't seen an ANUS this bad since the
 seventies.
 Chandler: So what does this mean?
 Mr. Douglas: Well, we're gonna be layin' off people in every department.
 Chandler: Hey, listen, I know I came in late last week, but I slept funny, and my
 hair was very very –
 Mr. Douglas: Not you. Relax. Ever have to fire anyone?
 [Scene: Chandler's Office, later that day, Nina is in his office.]
 Chandler: Nina? Nina. (He goes around his desk to where she is sitting.) Nina. (In
 pain) Nina.
 (She sympathetically reaches out to fondle the inner thigh of his left leg.)
 Nina: Are you okay?
 Chandler: (Looking down at her hand) Yes, yes I am. Err, listen, the reason that I
 called you in here today was, err... please don't hate me.
 Nina: (Taking her hand away) What?
 Chandler: (Suddenly bright) Would you like to have dinner sometime?
 (Nina gasps in surprise and relief.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is at the counter, serving coffee to Phoebe.]
 Rachel: So Pheebs, what do you want for your birthday?
 Phoebe: Well, what I really want is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me.
 Rachel: Okay... Let me put it this way. Anything from Crabtree and Evelyn?
 Phoebe: Ooh! Bath salts would be nice.
 Rachel: Ooh, okay... good.
 (Jamie Buchman and Fran Devanow enter the coffee house. They look about them as Jamie
 removes her coat and scarf.)
 Jamie: What is this place?
 Fran: Look, you're cold, I have to pee, and... (indicating the sign)
 ..there's a cup of coffee on the window. How bad could it be?
 (Jamie notices Phoebe sitting at the counter.)
 Jamie: I think we have an answer.
 Fran: What's she doing here?
 Jamie: This could be God's way of telling us to eat at home.
 Fran: Think she got fired at Riff's?
 Jamie: No, no, no. We were there last night. She kept... (shuddering at the memory)
 ..bringing swordfish. (Indicating the ladies' bathroom) are you gonna go to the, um?
 Fran: I'm gonna wait till after we order. It's her, right.
 Jamie: It looks like her.
 (Phoebe walks by, ignoring the two strangers.)
 Jamie: Um, excuse me.
 Phoebe: Yeah?
 Jamie: Hi, it's us.
 Phoebe: (Smiling blankly) Right, and it's me.
 Jamie: So, so you're here too?
 Phoebe: Much as you are.
 Jamie: (Without moving her lips) Your turn.
 Fran: Err... we know what we want.
 Phoebe: (Philosophically) Oh, that's good.
 Jamie: All we want is two Caffe Lattes.
 Fran: And some biscottie cookies.
 Phoebe: Good choice.
 (Phoebe turns away so that the two weird women won't see the face she pulls, and
 sits down.)
 Jamie: Definitely her.
 Fran: Yeah.
 Commercial break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is watching a Spanish version
 of The Waltons. At a nearby table sit Monica knitting, Rachel winding a ball of wool, and
 Chandler supplying them both from a skein which is spread between his hands.]
 (Phoebe uses the remote to stop the Spanish by turning off the television.)
 Monica: I can't believe you. You still haven't told that girl she
 doesn't have a job yet?
 Chandler: Well, you still haven't taken down the Christmas lights.
 Monica: Congratulations, I think you've found the world's thinnest
 argument.
 Chandler: I'm just trying to find the right moment, you know?
 Rachel: Oh, well, that shouldn't be so hard, now that you're dating.
 (Imitating men at their worst) 'Sweetheart, you're fired, but how 'bout a
 quickie before I go to work?'
 (Joey lets himself in, carrying a large paper shopping bag.)


Joey: Hey.
 Rachel and Chandler: Hey.
 (There is a loud knocking at the door through which Joey has just entered.)
 Chandler: You know, once you're inside, you don't have to knock any more.
 Monica: I'll get it.
 (She rises, dragging Chandler along by the wool. Rachel has to leap over a chair to
 follow them. Monica opens the door to find Mr. Heckles standing there.)
 Monica: Oh. Hi, Mr.Heckles.
 Mr.Heckles: You're doing it again.
 Monica: We're not doing anything. We're just sitting around talking,
 quietly.
 Mr.Heckles: I can hear you through the ceiling. My cats can't sleep.
 Rachel: You don't even have cats.
 Mr.Heckles: I could have cats.
 Monica: (Closing the door) Goodbye Mr.Heckles.
 Rachel: We'll try to keep it down.
 (The wool-bound trio returns to the table. Rachel has to rush ahead to avoid becoming
 tangled. Joey brings the shopping bag over to Phoebe, and takes out a nice cardigan.)
 Joey: Phoebe, could you do me a favour? Could you try this on? I just wanna make
 sure it fits.
 Phoebe: Ooh, my first birthday present... (delightedly examining the cardigan in
 her lap) ..oh, this is really...
 Joey: Oh, no no no. It's for Ursula. I just figured, you know, size-wise.
 Phoebe: Ohhh... Sure, yeah... (disgustedly dropping the cardigan back into the bag)
 ..okay, it fits.
 (The others have been taking all this in.)
 Rachel: Are you seein' her again tonight?
 Joey: Yep. Ice Capades.
 Chandler: Wow, this is serious. I've never known you to pay money for any kind
 of capade.
 Joey: I don't know. I like her, you know. She's different. There's
 uh, somethin' about her.
 Phoebe: That you like, (snappily confronting Joey over the heads of the knitting
 circle) we get it. You like her. Great!
 (The circle freezes in apprehension.)
 Joey: Hey, Phoebe, I asked you, and you said it was okay.
 Phoebe: Alright, well, maybe now it's not okay.
 Joey: Okay... Well maybe now I'm not okay with it not being okay.
 Phoebe: Okay.
 (An embarrassed silence... finally broken by)
 Chandler: Knit, good woman, knit, knit!
 (Monica frantically bursts into action as Rachel resumes winding, tangling
 Chandler's wool.)
 [Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler & Nina are locked in a passionate embrace.
 Someone knocks, so they hurriedly separate to stare out of the window. Chandler's
 boss opens the door.]
 Chandler: And that's the Chrysler Building right there.
 Mr. Douglas: Nina.
 Nina: Mr.Douglas... (flirting defensively) ..cool tie.
 (She escapes, fortunately so distracting Mr. Douglas, that he misses Chandler's
 expression of alarm & guilt.)
 Mr. Douglas: (Shutting the door, then pointing vaguely at Nina's shapely
 departure) She's still here.
 Chandler: Yes, yes she is. Didn't I memo you on this? See, after I let her go,
 err, I got a call from her psychiatrist, Dr. Flanen-nen, Dr. Flanen, Dr. Flan.
 (Thinking quickly, Chandler desperately tries to remember anything to do with
 schizophrenia....)
 Chandler: And err, he informed me that uh, she took the news rather badly, in fact,
 he uh, mentioned the word frenzy.
 Mr. Douglas: You're kidding? She seems so...
 Chandler: Oh, no, no. Nina... (miming fairies twinkling around his head) ..she is
 whooo wewee-woo whoo whoo! In fact, if you asked her right now, she would have no
 recollection of being fired at all, none at all.
 Mr. Douglas: That's unbelievable.
 Chandler: And yet, believable. So I decided not to fire her again until I can be
 assured that she will be no threat to herself, or others.
 Mr. Douglas: I see. I guess you never really know what's goin' on inside
 a person's head.
 Chandler: Well, I guess that's why they call it psychology, sir.
 (Mr. Douglas screws up his eyes, trying to credit what Bing has just said, but turning
 to follow Nina down the corridor, he realises Bing must be telling the truth, since he
 would not have any personal interest in the girl, would he?)
 [Scene: Lamaze class, Ross is again on the floor, cradled in Susan's lap, but now
 Carol is cradled in his lap, and she has a pretend baby, on her lap. The teacher is
 showing her class a video, which is about to end.]
 Soothing male voice: ..a sound Mom and Dad never forget. For this after all, is the
 miracle of birth.
 Teacher: Lights please? And that's having a baby. Next week is our final
 class.
 (People start getting up. Ross grabs Carol's doll to hold it upside down like a
 football, slapping it with his other hand.)
 Ross: Susan, go deep.
 (Susan just glares back, as Ross's inappropriate joke falls flat. Meanwhile, a
 bubble is about to burst...)
 Carol: This is impossible. It's just impossible.
 Susan: What is, honey?
 Carol: What that woman... did. I am not doin' that. It's just
 gonna have to stay in, that's all, everything will be the same, it'll just stay in.
 Ross: Carol, honey, shhh, shhh, everything's gonna be alright.
 Carol: (screaming at Ross) Oh, what do you know? No one's going up to you and
 saying, 'Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this pot roast
 through it?'
 Susan: Carol, Carol, sweetie. Cleansing breath.
 (Both women gulp in air. Ross looks at his 'football,' then manipulates the
 head & limbs back into place, until it resembles what it represents.)
 Susan: I know it's frightening, but, big picture. The birth part is just one
 day, and when it's over, we're all gonna be parents for the rest of our lives.
 (Ross is staring blankly into space.)
 Susan: I mean, that's what this is all about, right? Ross? Ross?
 [Scene 13: Central Perk, the gang is gathered around Monica comforting her brother, who
 in a slight state of shock is cuddling a cushion for security.]


Ross: I'm gonna be a father.
 Rachel: This is just occurring to you?
 Ross: I always knew I was havin' a baby, I just never realised the baby was
 having me.
 Rachel: (She comforts him too) Oh, you're gonna be great!
 Ross: Aw, how can you say that? I can't even get Marcel to stop eating the
 bath mat. How am I gonna raise a kid?
 Chandler: You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that, that monkeys and
 babies are actually different.
 (Joey tires of this, so he gets up to leave.)
 Phoebe: Where're you going?
 Joey: Out.
 Phoebe: With?
 Joey: (Spreading his arms wide) Yes.
 Phoebe: Alright, could I just ask you one question?
 (Joey nods his head.)
 Phoebe: Have you two, you know... like... you know... you know... yet?
 Joey: Well, not that it's any of your business, but, no, we haven't,
 okay?
 (Joey walks toward the door, then hesitates and turns back.)
 Joey: You meant sex, right?
 (Phoebe buttons her lip, while the rest of the gang pretend they're not there.)
 [Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is working as Nina knocks, then opens the door.]
 Nina: Do you have a sec?
 Chandler: Ah, sure, Nina. What's up?
 Nina: I don't know. For the past couple days, people have been avoiding
 me and giving me these really strange looks.
 Chandler: Oh, well, ah... maybe that's because they're ah... jealous, of
 us.
 Nina: Maybe. But that doesn't explain why they keep taking my scissors.
 Chandler: Ah, well, maybe that's, ah, because you're getting a big raise.
 Nina: I am?
 Chandler: Sure, why not?
 Nina: Oh my god! (Rushing over to give him a big hug) You're amazing!
 Chandler: Oh, you don't know. (Presses a button.) Helen, could you make sure
 we put through the paperwork on Miss Bookbinder's raise?
 Helen: (Over the intercom) So you still want me to send her psychological profile
 to Personnel?
 Nina: What?
 Chandler: Helen drinks. (Insincerely) Will you marry me?
 (Nina puts her hands on her hips, then gives Chandler a quizzical look.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Phoebe are sharing a bowl
 of popcorn, while Monica carefully reads the instruction manual for her television set.]
 Chandler: Well, I ended up telling her everything.
 Rachel: Oh, how'd she take it?
 Chandler: Pretty well. Except for the stapler thing. (He holds up a bandaged hand.)
 Little tip: if you're ever in a similar situation, never ever leave your
 hand... (he mimes Nina taking her revenge) ..on the desk.
 Monica: Okay, I think I get how to do this.
 (Monica points the remote at her TV, and punches out a key combination from the book,
 but the dreaded SAP logo remains and Spanish still comes forth.)
 Phoebe: Alright, so, can we turn this off? Can we just make it... make them go
 away? Because I can't, I can't watch.
 Monica: (Remotely turning off the television) okay, Pheebs, they're gone.
 Phoebe: Okay.
 Monica: Are you alright?
 Phoebe: Yeah. It's just, you know, it's this whole stupid Ursula
 thing, it's...
 Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, can I ask? So, he's going out with her. I mean, is it
 really so terrible?
 Phoebe: Um, yeah. Look, I mean, I'm not saying she's like evil or
 anything. She just, you know, she's always breaking my stuff. When I was
 eight, and I wouldn't let her have my Judy Jetson thermos, so she threw it under the
 bus. And then, oh, and then there was Randy Brown, who was like... Have you ever had a
 boyfriend who was like your best friend?
 Monica and Rachel: (Wistfully, shaking their heads) No.
 Phoebe: Well, but that's what he was for me. And she you know, kind of stole
 him away, and then... broke his heart... and then he wouldn't even talk to me
 any more. Because he said he didn't wanna be around... anything that looked
 like either one of us.
 Rachel: Oh... Oh, Pheebs.
 Phoebe: I mean, I know Joey is not my boyfriend, or my thermos, or anything, but...
 Chandler: You're not gonna lose him.
 Monica: Hon, you gotta talk to Joey.
 Phoebe: Yeah. Okay.
 Ross: No, come on, he doesn't know this stuff. If he knew how you felt.
 Phoebe: But he's falling in love with her.
 Rachel: Oh please, they've been going out a week. They haven't even slept
 together yet, I mean, that's not serious.
 Phoebe: Okay... Okay.
 (Monica and Ross indicate that they mean right now.)
 Phoebe: Oh, okay, oh.
 (Phoebe gets up and walks across the hallway, but the door to Chandler and Joey's
 apartment is shut. She knocks, and anxiously waits for Joey to come, but instead her
 identical twin sister emerges wearing one of Joey's shirts.)
 Ursula: (Surprised) Oh.
 (Phoebe reels back in shock, while Ursula defiantly leans against the doorpost as
 though she owns the place.)
 Ursula: Yeah, um, may we help you?
 Closing Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is taking down the Christmas lights. Monica
 sees her, so she leans out of the small side window.]


 The One With Two Parts, Part 2
 The One With Two Parts, Part 2
 Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane
 Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly
 With Minor Adjustments by: Tennant Stuart
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: An Emergency Room, Rachel and Monica enter. Rachel is limping and leaning
 on Monica for support.]
 Rachel: Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow ow. Ow ow ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
 (They reach the desk. The bored nurse thinks she's heard it all before.)
 Monica: Hi. Uh, my friend here was taking down our Christmas lights, and and she
 fell off the balcony and may have broken her foot or or ankle or something.
 Nurse: My god. You still have your Christmas lights up?
 (Rachel glares at the nurse, who gives Monica a form attached to a clipboard.)
 Nurse: Fill this out and bring it back to me.
 (Monica helps Rachel over to a vacant seat.)
 Rachel: Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow.
 (Monica starts on the form, while Rachel catches her breath and massages her ankle.)
 Monica: Okay, ooh, alright. Name, address... Okay, in case of emergency, call?
 Rachel: You.
 Monica: Really?
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Monica: Oh, that is so sweet. (Touched, she puts an arm around her friend and
 kisses her.) Oh gosh, love you. Insurance?
 Rachel: Oh, yeah, check it. Definitely, I want some of that.
 Monica: (No longer touched) you don't have insurance?
 Rachel: Why, how much is this gonna cost?
 Monica: I have no idea, but X-rays alone could be a couple hundred dollars.
 Rachel: Wel-wel-well what are we gonna do?
 Monica: Well there's not much we can do.
 Rachel: (Like a big baby) Um... unless, unless I use yours.
 Monica: Hah, no no no no no no no no no no.
 Rachel: (Tapping the clipboard) well, now, wait a second, who did I just put as
 my 'In case of emergency' person?
 Monica: (Looking around to check that no-one's listening, then lowering her
 voice anyway) That's insurance fraud.
 Rachel: Well, alright, then, forget it. (Getting up to go) Might as well just go
 home. Ow ow ow ow!
 Monica: (Jumping up to make Rachel sit down) Okay, okay. I hate this.
 Rachel: Thank you. Thank you. I love you.
 Monica: (to the nurse) Hi, (tiny laugh) um, I'm gonna need a new set of (tiny
 laugh) these forms (tiny laugh).
 Nurse: Why?
 Monica: (Tiny laugh) I am really an idiot. (Tiny laugh) you see, I was filling
 out my friend's form, and instead of putting her information, (tiny laugh) I put mine.
 Nurse: You are an idiot. (She hands over a blank form).
 Monica: (Tiny laugh) yep, that's me, (tiny laugh) I am that stupid (tiny
 laugh).
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, has split up his newspaper so Joey can look at the
 funnies, while Ross's inappropriate joke at Lamaze class has come back to haunt him.]
 Ross: I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.
 Chandler and Joey: That's nice.
 Ross: No, no, with him. (He mimes holding the baby like a football.) I'm
 on this field, and they, they hike me the baby... and I, I know I've gotta do
 something 'cause the Tampa Bay defence is comin' right at me.
 Joey: Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.
 Ross: Right, but, it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us.
 And so I uh, hah-hah, I just heave it down field.
 Chandler: What are you crazy? That's a baby!
 Joey: He should take the sack?
 Ross: Anyway, suddenly I'm down field, and I realise that I'm the one
 who's supposed to catch him, right? Only I know there is no way I'm gonna get there in
 time, so I am running, and running, and that, that is when I woke up. See I, I am so
 not ready to be a father.
 Chandler: Hey, you're gonna be fine. You're one of the most caring, most
 responsible men in North America. You're gonna make a great dad.
 Joey: Yeah, Ross. You and the baby just need better blocking.
 (Feeling a little better, Ross fetches more coffee.)
 Joey: Oh, have either one of you guys ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it real
 expensive?
 Chandler: Well, only if you order stuff.
 Joey: I'm takin' Ursula tonight. It's her birthday.
 Ross: Wo-wo-whoa. What about Phoebe's birthday?
 Joey: When's that?
 Ross: Tonight.
 Joey: Oh, man. What're the odds of that happening?
 (Joey begins to contemplate his ill fortune.)
 Ross: You take your time.
 (Joey looks at his friends, thinks a bit more, then realises.)
 Chandler: There it is! So what're you gonna do?
 Joey: What can I do? Look, I don't want to do anything to screw it up with
 Ursula.
 Chandler: And your friend Phoebe?
 Joey: Well, if she's my friend, hopefully she'll understand. I mean, wouldn't
 you guys?


Chandler: Man, if you tried something like that on my birthday, you'd be
 starin' at the business end of a hissy fit.
 (Joey gestures to show that he wouldn't dare...)
 [Scene: The Hospital, Monica and Rachel are waiting for the doctors to arrive.
 They enter and are played by Noah Wyle and George Clooney.]
 Dr. Mitchell: ..you add a pinch of saffron, it makes all the difference.
 (They approach the young ladies. Dr. Mitchell consults Ms.Geller's admissions form.)
 Dr. Mitchell: Okay, errrr, Monica?
 Monica: Yes? (jumping as Rachel punches her arm) ..yes, she is.
 Rachel (as Monica): Hi, this is my friend Rachel.
 Monica (as Rachel): Hi.
 Dr. Mitchell: (Smiling) Hi, err Rachel. I'm Dr.Mitchell.
 Dr. Rosen: (Smiling even more and attempting to take over) And I'm his friend,
 Dr.Rosen.
 (Monica and Rachel smile back prettily.)
 Rachel: Aren't you a little cute to be a doctor?
 Dr. Rosen: Excuse me?
 Rachel: I meant er, (struggling to concentrate) young, young, I meant young,
 young to be a doctor. Oh good, Rach.
 Monica (as Rachel): Thank you.
 Rachel (as Monica): Right.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone but Joey is waiting for Phoebe to arrive for her
 surprise birthday party. Rachel and Monica is telling Chandler about Rachel's
 incident.]
 Rachel: ..so, he said it was just a sprain, and that was it.
 Monica: Uh, you left out the stupid part.
 Rachel: Not stupid. The very cute, cute, cute doctors asked us out for tomorrow
 night, and I said 'yes.'
 Monica: I think it's totally insane, I mean, they work for the hospital. It's
 like returning to the scene of the crime. You know, I say we blow off the dates.
 Rachel: What? Monica, they are cute, they are doctors, (spelling it out in the
 air for her slow friend) cute doctors, doctors who are cute!
 Chandler: Alright, what have we learned so far?
 (There is a knock at the door. Someone turns the music off, then the whole party runs
 and hides, except for Monica and Rachel who answer their door. Ross stands in the doorway,
 holding a box, but everyone is too keyed up to notice that it's him.)
 The Whole Party: (Jumping up) SURPRISE!!!
 (Ross is so startled that he throws his arms up to defend himself. The box takes off,
 then lands with a squishy thud, its contents oozing out onto the floor. Ross is not
 pleased.)
 Ross: What the hell are you doing? You scared the crap outta me.
 Rachel: Was that the cake?
 Ross: Yeah, yeah. I got a lemon schmush.
 Monica: Come on, she'll be here any minute.
 (The whole party gathers round as Ross puts the box on the coffee table.)
 Rachel: I hope it's okay.
 (As Ross opens the lid, everybody looks at the mess inside.)
 Monica: Oh...
 Chandler: (Reading) 'Happy Birthday Peehe.'
 Monica: Well maybe we can make a, a, a 'B' out of one of those roses.
 (Phoebe quietly wanders in, to join the tableau.)
 Ross: (Still annoyed) Yeah, we'll just use our special cake tools.
 Phoebe: Hey, what's going on?
 Ross: Oh, we just...
 Phoebe's Friends: (Finally noticing the guest of honour) Surprise!
 Phoebe: (Delighted) oh, oh, oh! This is so great! Oh my god! This was not at all
 scary. Hi everybody. Hi Betty! Betty, Hi! (Thrilled) You found Betty! Oh my god! (Hugging
 people) This is great. Everybody I love is in the same room, (still happy) Where's Joey?
 (The party falls flat. Chandler tries to think of a witticism, but even he can't
 help...)
 Chandler: Did you see Betty?
 (Betty waggles her fingers to say 'Hi', but Phoebe feels her birthday has
 been ruined by her twin.)
 [Scene: A Restaurant, Ross is having lunch with his father who is examining his next
 forkful.]
 Mr. Geller: I tell you one thing, I wouldn't mind having a piece of
 this sun-dried tomato business. Five years ago, if somebody had said to me, here's a
 tomato that looks like a prune, I'd say 'get out of my office!'
 Ross: Dad, before I was born, did you freak out at all?
 Mr. Geller: I'm not freaking out, I'm just saying, if somebody had
 come to me with the idea andndash;
 Ross: Dad, dad, dad, I'm talkin' about the whole uh, baby thing. Did you uh,
 ever get this sort of... panicky, 'Oh my god I'm gonna be a father' kind of a
 thing?
 Mr. Geller: No. Your mother really did the work. I was busy with the
 business. I wasn't around that much. Is that what this is about?
 Ross: No, no, Dad, I was just wondering.
 Mr. Geller: 'Cause there's time to make up for that. We can do stuff
 together. You always wanted to go to that Colonial Williamsburg. How 'bout we do that?
 Ross: Thanks, Dad, really, I ju... you know, I just, I just needed to know,
 um... when did you start to feel like a father?
 Mr. Geller: Oh, well, I, I guess it musta been the day after you were
 born. We were in the hospital room, your mother was asleep, and they brought you in and
 gave you to me. You were this ugly little red thing, and all of a sudden you grabbed my
 finger with your whole fist. And you squeezed it, so tight. And that's when I knew.
 (Ross is so moved by his father's charming story, that he stops eating.)
 Mr. Geller: So you don't wanna go to Williamsburg?


Ross: No, we can go to Williamsburg.
 Mr. Geller: Eat your fish.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is just getting off of the intercom and turns off
 the TV which is still in the SAP mode.]
 Monica: Rachel, the cute doctors are here.
 Rachel: (entering from her room) Okay, coming!
 (Monica opens the door for Dr. Mitchell and Dr. Geoffrey.)
 Monica: Hi, come on in.
 Dr. Mitchell: Hey.
 Monica: Hi, Geoffrey.
 Rachel: Hi.
 Dr. Rosen: Ah here, we brought wine.
 Dr. Mitchell: Look at this, it's from the cellars of Ernest and Tova Borgnine,
 so how could we resist?
 Rachel: Oh, that's great. Look at that.
 Dr. Rosen: So, Monica, how's the ankle?
 Monica: It's uh...
 (Rachel discreetly coughs to warn her.)
 Monica (as Rachel): ..well, why don't you tell them? After all it, is
 your ankle.
 Rachel (as Monica): You know what, it's feeling a lot better, thank you, um...
 Well, listen, why don't you two sit down and, and we'll get you some glasses... okay...
 (They don't know what to do with their coats and Monica points to the living room) STAT!
 (Rachel joins Monica who is in the kitchen area, opening the wine bottle. Rachel checks
 that the doctors aren't listening, then lowers her voice anyway.)
 Rachel: Okay, listen, I'm thinking, why don't we just tell them who we really
 are? I mean, it'll be fine, I really think it'll be fine.
 Monica: It will not be fine. We'll get in trouble.
 Rachel: Oh, Monica! Would you stop being such a wuss?
 Monica: A wuss? Excuse me for living in the real world, okay?
 (Back at the couch, Dr. Mitchell and Dr. Rosen have concerns of their own.)
 Dr. Mitchell: So?
 Dr. Rosen: So... they sss-still seem normal.
 Dr. Mitchell: That's because they are.
 Dr. Rosen: (Nervously) okay, but you have to admit that every time we go out...
 Women we meet at the hospital... It turns into...
 Dr. Mitchell: Willya relax? Look around. No pagan altars, no piles of bones in
 the corners, they're fine. (Baring his teeth to clean them with his finger) Go like this.
 (Dr. Rosen obeys.)
 (Meanwhile, back at the sink.)
 Monica: I said we are not going to do it, okay? Sometimes you can be such a, a
 big baby.
 Rachel: (Resenting the truth) I am not a baby! You know what? I swear to
 god, just because you get so uptight every time we...
 Monica: Sure, every time, you're such a princess...
 Rachel: You know what?
 Monica: What?
 Rachel: You know what?
 Monica: What!?
 Rachel: You know what?
 Monica: (getting angry) What!!?
 Rachel: Every day, you are becoming more and more like your mother.
 (Rachel brightly limps back across the apartment with glasses of wine for the cute
 doctors, leaving an open-mouthed Monica in her wake.)
 Rachel: Hello! Here we go!
 Dr. Rosen: This is a great place. How long have you lived here?
 Rachel: (as Monica) Thanks! I've been here about six years, and Rachel moved in
 a few months ago.
 Monica: (as Rachel) Yeah... (joining the others) ..see, I was supposed to get
 married, but, um, I left the guy at the altar.
 (Rachel tries to hide her alarm, but she squirms in her chair.)
 Dr. Mitchell: Really?
 Monica: (as Rachel) Yeah... Yeah, I know it's pretty selfish, but haha, hey,
 that's me. (Indicating a dish on the table) Why don't you try the hummus?
 Dr. Rosen: So, Monica, what do you do?
 Rachel: (as Monica) Aahh, I'm a... chef at a restaurant uptown.
 Dr. Rosen: Good for you.
 Rachel: (as Monica) Yeah it is, mostly because I get to boss people
 around, which I just love to do.
 Dr. Rosen: This hummus is great.
 Dr. Mitchell: God bless the chickpea.
 Monica: (as Rachel) (Suddenly laughing) Oh, god, I am so spoiled... That's it!
 (The doctors don't know what to make of all this.)
 Rachel: (as Monica) And by the way, have I mentioned that back in high school, I
 was a cow?
 Monica: (as Rachel) I used to wet my bed.
 Rachel: (as Monica) I use my breasts to get other people's attention.
 Monica: (as Rachel) (Revealing her anger to point at her best friend) We both
 do that!
 (Rachel lets her anger show too. Hideously embarrassed, the doctors drain their glasses
 in the vicious pause which follows. The telephone rings, but the girls just glower at each
 other, silently daring the other to move first. Finally both guys jump up, and Michael
 wins.)
 Dr. Mitchell: (on the phone) Monica and Rachel's apartment. Err yeh, aayah, yeh,
 just one second... (handing it to Monica) ..ah, Rachel, it's your dad.
 Monica: (as Rachel) Hi, Dad. No, no, it's me. (Getting up to move further away
 from Rachel) li-listen, Dad, I can't talk right now, um, but there's something, um...
 there's something that I've been meaning to tell you...
 (Monica glares triumphantly across the room, scaring Rachel who also stands up.)