Ross: uhu uhu, check this out. (Chandler sits down and looks at laptop
   screen)
 Chandler: Huh! So that's what I would look like if I worked out... and
   was being serviced by a policeman. You're not actually going to send these out
   are ya?
 Ross: Eh..actually no, I don't need to because your little 'Ross is
   dead' joke didn't work, ok, there were no responses. Nobody posted anything
   on the website, nobody called my parents, so the joke my friend is on you. Nobody
   called, nobody wrote anything, nobody cares that I'm dead. (silence) Oh my God!
   Nobody cares that I'm dead!?
 Chandler: No, come on, you know that's not true.
 Ross: What are you talking about? You get sixty responses just for coming
   out of the closet! I didn't get one response! And I'm dead!
 Chandler: Well, the gay community is a lot more vocal than the dead
   community.
 Ross: I can't believe this. Not even my geology lab partner? And I carried
   that guy! (gets up from his sofa)
 Chandler: Alright look, let's think about this, ok, do you really think
   that people are gonna stir up your family at this tragic time? That people are
   gonna post condolences on a website? This is not about people not caring that
   you're dead .This is about people not having a decent outlet for their grief.
 Ross: You're right. There isn't a decent outlet.
 Chandler: Right, I mean, come on, I'm sure that if you had a funeral
   or a memorial service, tons of people would come.
 Ross: Exactly!! (sits back down at his laptop and starts typing)
 Chandler: Ross, what're you... what're you... what are you doing? (looks
   at laptop screen)You're having a memorial service for yourself!?
 Ross: No! That would be stupid! You're having it for me!
 Chandler: Ross, don't press send, don't press se... !
 Ross: oh, too late, too late! It's sent... oops sorry and so is the
   picture of you and the police man...
 [Scene: Joey's room: Joey is sitting on his bed reading DooL
   transcript when Rachel walks in]
 Rachel: I'm trying to put Emma down for a nap, have you seen Hugsy?
 Joey: Original or crappy?
 Rachel: Original.
 Joey: No, sorry haven't seen him.
 Rachel: Then what's that big lump under your covers?
 Joey: It's Monica, ok?
 Rachel: That's not Monica!
 Joey: Alright!! Fine! It's original Hugsy! No, now I know that Emma
   wants him but he's mine and I need him..
 Rachel: (to herself) Oh God.
 Joey: ... she's being unreasonable!
 Rachel: (yelling) Joey, there is a reason that Emma loves that stupid
   penguin so much (Joey covers Hugsy's ears) Oh don't cover its ears! (stops yelling)
   It's because it reminds her of her uncle Joey!
 Joey: It does?
 Rachel: Yeah! And she's comforted by him because she loves her uncle
   Joey so much.
 Joey: Really? She... she loves me?
 Rachel: Oh yeah! But you know what? If you need Hugsy, don't worry.
   Emma will totally understand. I won't... but whatever (She leaves the room).
 Joey: Ok, wait wait wait wait a minute wait a minute, I mean Rach, I
   mean if if... . If Hugsy means that much to Emma then... well she can have him.
 Rachel: Oooh... you're sweet, I knew uncle Joey would step up. (Turns
   to face Emma in the the playpen) Look Emma, look who's baaack!
 Joey: Look forget it forget it... I can't do it.
 Rachel: Are you gonna... you're going to take Hugsy away from a little
   child?
 Joey: How do you think I got him in the first place?
 [Scene: Phoebe's apartment: Phoebe, Monica and Mike sitting on
   the couch]
 (Monica is getting up from the couch)
 Monica: Alright you two, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Now I don't want
   anything going on while I'm gone. Here's a few things you can discuss: mucus,
   fungus and the idea of me and Ross doing it.
 Mike: I've missed you so much! No, I'm not gonna ask you to get back
   together because I know we want different things, but just to be with you one
   more night.
 Phoebe: I know, I want that too, but IS that going to make it too hard?
 Mike: It can't be any harder than this... I mean, If I had known the
   last time I saw you would be the last time, I... I would have stopped to memorize
   your face, the way you move, everything about you. If I had known the last time
   I kissed you would have been the last time... I never would have stopped.


Monica: (running back into the room) Kiss him, you fool!!
 Phoebe: What?
 Monica: Didn't you hear that speech? If you don't kiss him then I will!
 Phoebe: Oh, I missed you so much! (she kisses Mike)
 Strange man: (he bounds into the house) I knew you'd be here!
 Mike: Oh, crap!
 Phoebe: Who is this?
 Mike: My friend Manny. I asked him to keep me away from you.
 Monica: Hi, that's what I'm doing for Phoebe!
 Manny: Well, you are not doing a very good job!
 Monica: Excuse me?
 Manny: What's with the kissing?
 Monica: Hey, at least I knew where my guy was.
 Manny: Oh yeah yeah, thank God you were here to oversee all the kissing!
 Monica: You didn't hear the speech!
 Manny: I've heard the speech: (in a mocking voice) 'if he knew it was
   gonna be the last time he saw her... '
 Monica: Hey, it was very moving! You're just heartless!
 Manny: You're weak!
 Monica: You're... weird!
 Manny: Your pants are undone!
 Monica: Oh (realizes her pants are undone and zips them up)!
 Manny: (looking at the sofa) Where did they go?
 Monica: Damn it!
 Manny: Oh we blew it. I blame myself.
 Monica: And I blame you too.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment]
 Ross: It's been an hour and not one of my classmates has shown up! I
   tell you, when I actually die some people are gonna get seriously haunted!
 (someone knocks on the door)
 Chandler: There you go! Someone came!
 Ross: Ok, ok! I'm gonna go hide! Oh, this is so exciting, my first mourner!
   (he hides in the bedroom and closes the door)
 (Chandler and Monica go open the door)
 Monica: Hi, glad you could come.
 Chandler: (in a mournful voice) Please, come in.
 Tom: Hi, you're Chandler Bing, right? I'm Tom Gordon, I was in your
   class.
 Chandler: Oh yes, yes... let me... take your coat.
 Tom: Thanks... uh... I'm so sorry about Ross, it's...
 Chandler: At least he died doing what he loved... watching blimps (he
   goes in the bedroom)
 Ross: Who is he?
 Chandler: Some guy, Tom Gordon.
 Ross: I don't remember him, but then again I touched so many lives.
   (they press their ears against the door)
 Monica: So, did you know Ross well?
 Tom: Oh, actually I barely knew him. Yeah, I came because I heard Chandler's
   news. D'you know if he's seeing anyone?
 Monica: (a bit surprised) Yes, he is. Me.
 Tom: What? You... You... Oh! Can I ask you a personal question? Ho-how
   do you shave your beard so close?
 Chandler: (entering, very upset) Ok Tommy, that's enough mourning for
   you! Here we go, bye bye!! (he shoves him out the door)
 Tom: (before leaving) Hey, listen. Call me.
 Chandler: Ok! (shuts the door behind Tom)
 Ross: (coming in) I'm dead and no one cares?
 Monica: I look like a man??
 Chandler: Please, one ridiculous problem at a time!
 Ross: It isn't ridiculous, look around! No one's here!
 Chandler: You gave them one day's notice, not everyone in our class
   checks the web site everyday and Monica... it's probably the way you stand!
 Ross: Yes, you're right. Still somebody must have seen it... I mean,
   I went to that school for 4 years, I didn't have an impact on anyone?
 Chandler: Oh, that's not true. You had an impact on me, I mean, it's
   15 years later and we're still best friends. Doesn't that count for something?
 Ross: (sceptical) Yeah...
 (someone knocks on the door) Oh, great. More party boys for Chandler!
 Chandler: I'm sure it's somebody for you. Now, go hide. (Ross hides
   in the bedroom again)
 (Chandlers opens the door. A beautiful woman stands at the doorway.)
 Kori: Hi. I'm here for Ross Geller's memorial service.
 Chandler: Kori? Kori Weston?
 Kori: Yeah...
 Chandler: Wow! You look amazing!
 Kori: And you are...
 Chandler: Chandler, Chandler Bing. I'm not gay, I'm not gay at all.
 Monica: You are married though.
 Chandler: Don't listen to him, he's in a really bad mood! (lets her
   in)
 Kori: I can't believe that Ross is gone. It is just so sad.
 Chandler: I didn't know Ross and you were so close.
 Kori: We weren't but we had one class together. He was such a great
   guy and he talked so passionately about science. I always remembered him.
 Chandler: I'm sure that would mean a lot to him. And if heaven has a
   door, I'm sure he's pressing his ear up against it and listening intently.
 Kori: I thought so many times about calling him and asking him out.
   I guess I really missed my chance.


 Untitled Document
 918 - The one with the lottery
 Teleplay: Sherry Bilsing - Graham & Ellen Plummer
   Story: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones
   Directed by: Gary Halvorson
   Transcribed by: Eleonora, Pheeboh, Roni & Vanessa
 [Scene: Central Perk - Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Ross and Rachel
   are sitting on the sofas. Joey enters]
 Joey: Monica, hey, can I borrow the Porsche?
 Monica: Ok.
 Joey: Alright!
 Monica: But ehm...what is it not?
 Joey: (abashed) A place to entertain my lady friends.
 Monica: And what else is it not?
 Joey: (even more abashed) A place to eat spaghetti.
 Monica: Very good! (Gives him the keys) What do you need it for anyway?
 Joey: Oh well, the powerball lottery is upto 300 million and they don't
   sell tickets here in New York, so...
 Rachel: Oh! So you're driving up to Connecticut?
 Joey: (hesitates for a moment)Yeah Connecticut...Not West Virginia.
 Monica: Hey, maybe I'll drive you up there! I'd like to buy some tickets
   myself!
 Joey: Uh!
 Monica: Yeah with Chandler not getting paid, we could really use 300
   million dollars.
 Chandler: Yeah, because if I was at my old job we'd say 300 million?
   No thank you!
 Phoebe: Hey will you get me tickets too?
 Rachel: Yeah me too. oh! I have an idea. Why don't we all pitch in 50
   bucks, we'll pool our money together and then if we win, we'll split it!
 Everyone almost simultaneously except Ross: yeah thats a great idea!
 Ross: No thanks!
 Phoebe: You don't wanna win the lottery?
 Ross: (in a mocking voice)Uh...sure I do, and I also wanna be King of
   my own country and find out what happened to Amelia Earhart.
 Chandler: Still on Amelia Earhart?
 Ross: The woman just vanished!
 Joey: Seriously, Ross, you don't want in on this?
 Ross: No! Do you know what your odds are of winning the lottery? I...I
   mean you have a better chance of being struck by lightning 42 times.
 Chandler: Yes but there's six of us so we'd only have to get struck
   by lightning 7 times.
 Joey: I like those odds!
 Ross: Seriously you guys, I can't believe you're going to spend 250
   dollars on the lottery, I mean that's such a bunch of boohaki.
 Chandler: (looking around at the others)I'll ask. (To Ross) Boohaki?
 Ross: Oh oh, we think Emma is about to start talking so we're trying
   to be careful about what words we use in front of her.
 Rachel: Yeah so get ready to hear alot of ehm...boohaki, goshdarnit
   and brotherpucker.
 Monica: How do you know she's gonna start talking?
 Rachel: Well when I talk to her I almost feel like she understands what
   I'm saying.
 Chandler: Kinda like Joey.
 Joey: (who wasn't paying attention)What's that now?
 Opening credits
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica, Chandler, Rachel
   and Joey are in the kitchen]
 Monica: God! Look at all these tickets! It's so exciting! You know I
   haven't won anything since the sixth grade.
 Chandler: Pie eating contest?
 Monica: Oh! You assume because I was heavy that's the only way I could
   win something?
 Chandler: No, I saw a picture of you covered in blueberries.
 Monica: (smiling)That was a good day!
 (Suddenly Ross comes running into the apartment)
 Ross: (yelling to Monica)They're towing your car, they're towing your
   car!!
 Monica: I'm parked in a garage on Morton!
 Ross: (panting)They're towing a car. And I am seeing...spots.
 Joey: (sounding panicky)Oh my god Ross! You don't have Emma! And Rachel
   you don't have Emma! (Starts yelling) Where's Emma? Who has Emma!?
 Rachel: Joey relax! My mother picked her up two hours ago. You were
   there!
 Joey: (not yelling anymore)I was?
 Racel: Yes and you talked to her...
 Joey: I did?
 Rachel: She dropped off a casserole?
 Joey: Oh yeah! The casserole lady.
 Monica: (to Ross)So, did you come by to watch us win the big bucks?
 Ross: Yeah, uh... and then I figured after you win, we could all go
   out to the balcony and see a night rainbow with gremlins dancing on top of it!
 (phone starts ringing and Chandler comes running out of the bathroom)
 Chandler: (hysterical)Don't touch the phone! I'll get it, I'll get it,
   I'll get it!! (picks up the phone)
 Ross: (to Monica)Think he washed his hands?
 Chandler: (into receiver)Hello? Hey Charlie, what do you know?
 Rachel: (to Monica)What's going on?
 Monica: Chandler is supposed to find out if he's getting an assistent
   job at his ad agency. But out of the 15 interns, they are only hiring three.


Joey: Ooh! Tough odds!
 Ross: (mockingly)Yeah if only it were a sure thing like your 24 state
   lottery!
 Joey: (smiling)Look who's coming around!
 Chandler: (still on the phone)Damnit. Alright call me when you know
   more.
 Joey: (excited)Did you get it?
 Chandler: One of the slots got filled.
 Joey: (Still excited)By you!?
 Chandler: Sense the tone! No that kid Nate got it.
 Monica: Oh! I hate that guy! I mean come on kid! Pull up your pants!
 Chandler: Yeah I know.
 Rachel: Well, there's two spots left right?
 Chandler: Yeah...I mean I want this so much! I mean, I wanna get one,
   I want my friend Charlie to get one...Except I don't care about Charlie.
 (Phoebe enters)
 Phoebe: (excited)Hey you guys! Ok, you're not going to believe this!
   I just saw my psychic and she said I was definitely gonna win the lottery tonight!
 Monica: Hey that reminds me, I thought we could use some extra luck
   so I brought a wishbone home from work.
 Ross: (mockingly)A psychic AND a wishbone? Guys! Give someone else a
   chance!
 Monica: Alright, who wants to do it?
 Phoebe: Oh can I? Vegetarians never get to do the wishbone. It's really
   not fair either! You know, just because we don't eat the meat doesn't mean we
   don't like to play with the carcasses!
 Monica: Ok, hey Rach?
 Rachel: Oh no, I'm good, I don't wanna get that turkey smell all over
   my hands.
 Joey: I'll do it!! It'll get the casserole stink off of mine.
 (Phoebe and Joey both grab one side of the wishbone)
 Phoebe: I hope I win!
 Monica: Well, it doesn't really matter ... you're both wishing for the
   same thing, right?
 Joey: I can't tell you what I'm wishing for! Else...you know...won't
   come true!
 Monica: Right! .. but we 'know' what you're wishing for!
 Joey: Can't really say!
 Monica: I understand, but you're wishing for what we think you're wishing
   for, aren't you?
 Joey: (slightly irritated)I'm not really comfortable with these questions!
 Rachel, Chandler and Monica: Please, just do it!
 Phoebe: One, two, three!
 (they break the wishbone)
 Joey: I won, hey!
 Ross: You know what, I'm sure your wish is gonna come true, but, you
   guys - just in case, maybe a genie will come out if we rub this lamp! (rubs
   lamp, stops because it's very hot) Ah!! That thing gets hot!!
 Rachel: You know, Ross, just keep making your jokes. How are you gonna
   feel if we actually do win?
 Ross: Uh, you're not gonna win.
 Rachel: Oh, I know, I know, the odds are against us, but somebody has
   to win, and it could be us! And then how you gonna feel? You know, we're gonna
   be all like 'oh everybody, let's take our helicopters up to the cape' and you're
   gonna be all like 'oh, I can't guys, I'll meet you guys up there, I gotta gas
   up the Hyundai'
 Ross: Ok, I've heard myself on tape and I sound nothing like that.
 Chandler: I can see the headline now: 'Lottery winners' friend filled
   with regret eats own arm'.
 Ross: Why would I eat my own arm?
 Chandler: Well you wouldn't, but we own the paper, we can print whatever
   we want.
 Monica: You know what, Ross? I'm gonna throw in 50 bucks for you.
 Ross: Why?
 Monica: Because I know that you think the lottery is 'boohaki' but we're
   all here and gonna watch the numbers and have fun. And you're my brother, and
   I want you to be a part of this.
 Ross: You don't have to do that, I'll pay for myself. But just the fact
   that you want me to have fun with you guys - that's so sweet! Come here (they
   kiss and hug)
 Phoebe: Get a room!
 Chandler: Ok, so now that you're in, what are you gonna do if we win?
 Ross: I don't know, probably just invest it.
 Chandler: Ooh! Calm down ...
 Joey: Seriously, that's your fantasy? To invest it?
 Ross: Oh, I'm sorry, did I say 'invest it'? I meant 'be cool and piss
   it all away' (Joey and Chandler pleased)
 Joey: Ooh, ooh, I know! We should pool all own money and buy the Knicks!
 Rachel: I don't really care about the Knicks.
 Joey: Oh, you will when I pick you as starting forward.
 Rachel: (touched) You would do that? I never get picked!
 Chandler: You know, I'm not sure a sports team is the way to go.


Joey: You're not gonna let me buy the Knicks?? I can't believe you're
   taking this away from me!
 Chandler: You're right, it has been you dream for over 15 seconds.
 Ross: (to Rachel) Uh, how long until they announce the numbers, Mommy?
 (pause)
 Chandler: (looks around) I'll take this one too (to Ross) Uh ... Mommy?
 Ross: Oh, I've gotten into the habit of calling Rachel 'Mommy' when
   we're around Emma. Which I now realize we are not ...
 Rachel: I'm hoping that if she hears it enough it will be her first
   word.
 Ross: Although if we're gonna do that, we should probably call me 'Daddy'
   too.
 Phoebe: Oooh, I like that, 'daddy' (in a sexy tone)
 Ross: I ... I was just talking about Rachel.
 Phoebe: (still in sexy tone) Oooh, is daddy getting angry? Is daddy
   gonna spank me?
 Ross: (tries to be sexy too) Well that depends ... have you been a baaad
   gi .. (stops) no I can't.
 (Phone rings, Chandler picks up)
 Chandler: Hello? Hello? Oh, hey Charlie. Did anybody else hear? ...
   What? Susan got it?? How? Oh man, I would have slept with him!! .. Alright,
   bye. (hangs up)
 Joey: Dude, I'm sorry. But hey, there's one spot left, right?
 Chandler: Well no, Charlie's gonna get that.
 Monica: Hey, don't say that! You got just as good a chance as anybody
   else of getting that job!
 Chandler: He's the boss's son.
 Monica: Come on, lottery!! (everybody cheers)
 Rachel: Ooh, you guys, it starts in like 20 minutes.
 Monica: Ok, here we go. We need to sort out the tickets as quickly as
   possible to see if we've won. So does anybody have any ideas how to organize
   this? (doesn't let them answer) Ok, how about this: we divide them into 6 groups
   of 40, and the remaining 10 can be read by whoever finishes their pile first.
 Rachel: Ooh, I have another idea!
 Monica: I'm sorry, idea time is over.
 Phoebe: Ok, well, are all the tickets in the bowl?
 Monica: Yeah.
 Chandler: What about the ones you have on the nightstand?
 Monica: There are no tickets on the nightstand!
 Chandler: Yes there are, I just saw them a few minutes ago.
 (Rachel get suspicious)
 Monica: Un, no you didn't! You must be mistaken!
 Chandler: Honey, there are like 20 tickets on the nightstand!
 Monica: Chandler, sense the tone!!
 (Rachel comes out of their bedroom waving tickets)
 Rachel: Well, well, well, look what mommy found!!
 (everyone's shocked)
 Monica: Ok, fine!! I bought 20 extra tickets for me and Chandler.
 Phoebe: Uh! The psychic also said that I would be betrayed.
 Ross: I can't believe this, I thought we were all in this together!
 Monica: Hey, you just got in 5 minutes ago!
 Ross: 3 minutes ago!!! I don't know why that's important ...
 Joey: I was with you the whole time we were in Connecticut, when did
   you even get those?
 Monica: When you were reading the dirty magazines without taking off
   the plastic!
 Joey: (to Ross) I'll show you how.
 Rachel: Ok, well Monica, suppose one of your 'special' tickets win?
   How are you gonna feel when you win the lottery and you lose all your friends?
 Monica: Please ... if I win the lottery, you guys are not gonna leave
   me. Someone gave me a basket of mini-muffins last week and I couldn't get rid
   of you for 3 days!
 Rachel: Chandler, would you just tell her what she did was wrong?
 Chandler: (to Mon) She's right, you shouldn't have bought tickets just
   for us ...
 Monica: Ahhh! (shocked)
 Chandler: Let me finish ... (to everyone else) however, it doesn't look
   like I'm gonna get this job so I can't afford to have principles, so screw you,
   the tickets are ours!! (takes tickets from Rachel)
 Monica: There's the man I married!!
 Rachel: All right, believe me.If you win the lottery, it's the last
   you're gonna hear from us!
 Monica: Fine! Don't be my friends! I'll buy new friends! Yeah, and then
   I'll pay for their plastic surgery so they'd look just like you!
 Rachel: (surprised) OH! Alright, you know what? That's it! I want my
   share of the tickets (picks up the bowl)!
 Joey: Yeah, I want my tickets too (takes the bowl from Rachel)! And
   I'm buying the Knicks! And Steffi Graff, ah ah!
 Ross: Than I want mine, too (takes the bowl from Joey)! And if I win
   I'm gonna put it all into a very low-yield bond.


Phoebe: Oh, you guys! We've got to keep all the tickets together (takes
   the bowl from Ross and puts it on the table)
 Monica: No, no! We should divide them up (picks up the bowl) and I should
   get extra because we used my card to buy them!
 Joey: Hey, if anybody gets extra tickets, it should be me! This all
   thing was my idea! (takes the bowl from Monica)
 Chandler: Oh, yeah! Thanks for inventing the lottery!
 Rachel: Ok, that's it! Just give'em to me! I'll split them up! (she
   tries to snatch the bowl from Joey's hands but she can't, so she pinches his
   nipple and she manages to take it)
 Joey: (in pain) Oh!
 Phoebe: (she takes the bowl from Rachel's hands and she starts running
   around the room and yelling) OOOOOHHHHH!
 Ross: (trying to stop her) Hey, hey!!
 Phoebe: (keeping on running and yelling) OOOOOHHHHH! (she stops) Fine,
   I can't take it anymore! I'm putting an end to this! (she goes out to the balcony)
 Rachel: Oh, if she jumps, I get her tickets.
 Joey: No, no! (they all go towards the balcony but they get jammed in
   the window)
 Phoebe: If we are not doing it together, we're not doing it at all!
   So, say goodbye to your tickets! (She holds out the bowl, and makes as to drop
   the tickets on the street).
 Everyone: NO!!
 Phoebe: Don't come any closer!
 Chandler: Can I come a little bit closer, valuable things are getting
   squished...
 Phoebe: No, what's more important, your friends or money?
 Everyone but Monica: Friends!
 Monica: Money! (they all look at her) Friends...
 Phoebe: Hey Monica, what about your extra tickets?
 Monica: They're all in there! Even these five that I hid in my bra (takes
   some tickets out of her bra and gives them to Phoebe)...
 Ross: Monica!
 Phoebe: Ok, good! (pause) You guys were so scared! There was no way
   I was gonna dump this...(a pigeon swoops down, scaring Phoebe who drops the
   bowl on the street) Oh God, no! (pause) I think I broke your bowl.
 Ross: Go, go, go!!
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment.]
 (All are returning from the street after picking up dropped lottery tickets)
 Phoebe: What a beautiful night to be running around the street, looking
   for tickets. And the wind sure made it fun.
 Monica: Phoebe, we lost half of them.
 Phoebe: So, what? Monica, we have the winning ticket! My psychic said
   I was gonna win, remember?
 Ross: Weird.. your psychic didn't mention anything about the scary pigeon...
 Phoebe: As a matter of fact she said that's how I am going to die. (pause
   ) So, excuse me for being a little skittish.
 Chandler: (looking at the answering machine) Hey, there's two messages.
   These could be from work!
 Monica: Oh, play them!
 Chandler: Ok, here we go! (he pushes the play button)
 Message: (Phoebe's voice) 'Hello. Th-this is the pigeon from the balcony
   calling to apologise' (they all turns to look at Phoebe) 'I sh.. I shouldn't
   have knocked the tickets out of the pretty lady's hand. It-it was all my fault.
   Not hers. Bye. Coo.'
 (they all keep staring at Phoebe)
 Phoebe: Well, I bet that was very hard for him to do.
 Second message: 'Hey Chandler, it's Charlie'
 Chandler: This is..shhh!
 Second Message: 'Listen, oh... it turns I got the last spot. I'm really
   sorry man, it was a lot of fun working with you. Give me a call if you want.'
 Monica: Oh God, I am so sorry honey...
 All: Oh, so sorry man! Sorry!
 Rachel: Oh, it is so unfair. It's like that time they promoted Sandra
   over me at work.
 Chandler: Oh, is she related to Ralph Lauren?
 Rachel: No, she was just much better at job than me!
 Phoebe: Guys, the drawing is about to start!
 Rachel: (To Ross) You know what? We should call my mum's house and say
   goodnight to Emma before she goes down.
 Ross: Oh yeah, it's a good idea!
 Monica: (she hugs Chandler) Honey, you've been really strong about this,
   I know how badly you wanted that job.
 Chandler: Yeah, you know, I really thought I deserved it. (pause) But...
   let's go win the lottery... I mean, we still have 130 chances to win, right?
 Monica: (she draws out a ticket from a pocket of her pants) 131! (they
   kiss)
 Ross: (on the phone) Goodnight sweetheart! I love you. And remember,
   you're daddy's little girl... (covering the phone, to Rachel) Phoebe's totally
   ruined that for me... (he passes the receiver to Rachel)


Rachel: Hi mum, put her back on!
 Joey: (sitting on the sofa in front of the tv) Rach, come on! They are
   announcing the numbers! My God, I can already feel myself changing.
 TV: 'Here we are, the official Powerball numbers! We have 53'
 Chandler: I got that!
 Ross: Oh, we have one too!!
 Monica: We are on a roll, people!!
 Ross: (calling Rachel) Come on!!
 Rachel: (on the phone) Mum, please!I know you love your new lips, but
   I can barely understand you! Would you, please, just let me say goodnight to
   my daughter?
 TV: 'And number 29! Here we go! The Powerball is 7'
 Monica: Check your numbers! Make me rich!
 Rachel: (she goes towards the others and she's very excited) Guys, you're
   not gonna believe this! I was just saying goodnight to Emma and she said her
   first words!!
 All: Wow!
 Joey: And what did she say?
 Rachel: She said 'gleba'!! (she celebrates)
 (they just look at her for a moment; then they go back to checking the tickets)
 Monica: Make me rich!!
 Rachel: (to Ross) Isn't that amazing?
 Ross: Oh yeah, no no no...that's great!
 Rachel: Why-why aren't you more excited?
 Ross: Oh, Rach...oh...'gleba' is not a word.
 Rachel: Oh, but of course it is!
 Ross: Okay, what does it mean?
 Rachel: I don't know all the words.
 Ross: I'm just, I'm just glad I didn't miss my daughter's first words
   (goes back to checking the tickets).
 Ross: Yes you did, gleba is a word!
 Ross: Ok, use it in a sentence.
 Rachel: Ok... 'Emma just said gleba'!
 Ross: It's not a word!
 Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, fine, I'm gonna look it up (she goes and picks
   up the dictionary).
 Ross: Oh, oh, ok, great. You know what, while you're at it she said
   another word the other day, why don't you, why don't you look up: pbbqqt....
 (Rachel glares at him)
 Rachel: (searching the dictionary) Alright, okay, okay, gleba, gleba...
   (excited) Gleba! Ha! Here it is: the fleshy, spore-bearing inner mass of a certain
   fungi.
 (Rachel shows Ross the definition on the dictionary, giving him a smug look;
   then she squints at the dictionary, as though unsure what to make out of it)
 Ross: She's gonna be a scientist! (kisses Rachel on the head, very moved)
 Joey: (checking the last ticket) Damnit! anybody got anything?
 Chandler: No.
 Phoebe: I'm still looking through mine...
 Monica: Just double checking (does so)...no, no, no...(takes off a shoe
   and takes a ticket out of it) No!
 (phone rings)
 Monica: (answering phone) Hello? Hold on. It's your boss.
 Chandler: Ah, the 'I'm sorry I rejected you' phone call. I'm not used
   to getting it from guys. (on the phone, getting up from the sofa) Hey, Steve.
 Steve: Chandler, hi! I'm sure you've heard we filled the three positions.
   We just felt that with your maturity and experience, you wouldn't be happy being
   someone's assistant.
 Chandler: Oh no no no no, I'd love to be somebody's assistant! Answering
   phones, getting coffee, I live for that stuff! And I'm not too mature... farts,
   boobies, butt cracks!
 Steve: Chandler, you were the strongest person in the program. We're
   offering you the position of junior copywriter.
 Chandler: Me, that guy who just said butt cracks?
 Steve: Yes, that's right. We're excited about the level of sophistication
   you'll be bringing to the job.
 Chandler: Ok well, thanks, you won't regret it. I'll see you tomorrow
   (hangs up).
 (he idly goes to the sofa, starts browsing a magazine. Everybody stares at
   him)
 Chandler: What? (pause) Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be a junior copywriter.
 Everybody: (excited) Oh my God, congratulations!
 Monica: Oh sweetie, I'm so proud of you!
 Chandler: Does that mean I get the good loving tonight?
 Monica: You bet! No TV or anything! (she gets up from the sofa and goes
   to the kitchen area)
 Joey: (to Chandler) Hey, that is so great about the job.
 Chandler: Thanks, man.
 Joey: And I like to think I had a little something to do with it.
 Chandler: Really? What?
 Joey: Well, before, with the wishbone... I didn't wish we would win
   the lottery, I wished you'd get the job.
 Chandler: (smiling, surprised) Oh yeah? (looks towards the kitchen,
   worried) Listen, don't tell Monica, she'll rip your heart right out.
 Joey: Oh yeah.
 Rachel: You know what? There is a little part of me that really thought
   we were gonna win.
 Ross: Me too. So much for my dinosaur/Amelia Earhart theme park.


 Friends
   919 - The one with Rachel's dream
 Teleplay: Mark Kunerth
   Story: Dana Klein
   Directed by: Terry Hughes
   Transcribed by: Eleonora, Pheeboh, Sebastiano & Vanessa
 [Scene: Rachel and Joey's apartment]
 Joey: (talking to a pineapple in his hand) God, you're beautiful...why
   are we fighting this?You know you want it to happen as much as I do.
 (Rachel comes out of her room and starts staring at him unseen)
 Joey: I want you.I need you.Let me make love to you.
 Rachel: I don't wanna stand in the way of true love or anything, but
   I think a canelope might hurt less.
 Joey: Oh, ehm...I'm...I'm rehearsing my lines.They gave me a big romantic
   story on Days Of Our Lives. It's the first time my character's got one. I'm
   so nervous, you know, I really want it to be good!
 Rachel: Woow!I haven't seen you this worked up since you did that dog
   food commercial and you thought you were gonna be with a real talking dog!
 Joey: Yeah, that was a disappointment...(pause) Oh, hey!D'you want to
   come down to the set and tell me if I'm doing ok?
 Rachel: (excited) Are you serious?
 Joey: Yeah!Hey, you just have to promise not to get yourself thrown
   out again.
 Rachel: Hey, that was an honest mistake!
 Joey: Right!(he starts to ape her)'Oh my God, is this the men's
   room? Oh, I feel so foolish, have you always known you wanted to be an actor?'
   (he inclines his head as if to look at a man's private parts)
 Rachel: Yeah, that was an awesome day!
 Opening credits
 [Scene: Central Perk]
 Monica: Hey!
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Ross: Hi!
 Monica: So, do you guys wanna come and eat dinner at the restaurant
   sometime in the next few weeks?
 Phoebe: Sure!
 Ross: I'd love to!
 Monica: Well you can't! We're booked solid for the next month!
 Phoebe: Well, I can't give you a massage, because my licence has been
   revoked again!
 Ross: Phoebe, what happened?
 Phoebe: Well, it was an accident...You know, it's a lot of oil and sometimes
   the hand just slips!
 (Chandler enters)
 Chandler: (To Monica) Have I got a surprise for you? Pack your bags!
 Phoebe: Oh no!You guys aren't supposed to get divorced for 7 years!
 Chandler: What? No, I'm taking Monica to a romantic inn in Vermont (shows
   them a brochure)!
 Phoebe: Oh, good!Ok, good for you!Try to recapture the magic!
 Chandler: So, what do you say? Can you get out of work?
 Monica: Oh, honey!I can't. I was just telling these guys that things
   are crazy at the restaurant!
 Chandler: Are you really that busy?
 Monica: Yeah, I'm sorry. I really am.
 Chandler: Oh, that's ok.I'll just try and reschedule. (on the phone)
   'Hi, this is Chandler Bing. I made a reservation there and I need to change
   it (pause) Oh, what do you mean it's not refundable? Can I just come some other
   time? (pause) Oh, can't you make an exception?'
 Monica: Tell them I'm a chef in a big New York restaurant!
 Phoebe: And tell them that in 2 weeks I will once again be a masseuse
   in good standing!
 Chandler: (on the phone) 'Look, this is ridiculous! I'm not paying
   for that room! Ok?' (pause) 'Oh, thank you very much!' (hangs
   up) Yeah, I'm going to Vermont...
 Ross: Oh, don't worry about it! Just use your travel insurance.
 Chandler: I don't have travel insurance.
 Ross: Well, this is what happens when people live on the edge!
 Monica: Why don't you take Ross?
 Ross: Uh, don't you think that would be a little weird? I mean, two
   guys in a romantic inn...
 Monica: No, not if their room has two beds!
 Ross: (browsing the brochure) I guess...It still seems a little...(enthusiastically)
   moonlight boat ride!!
 [Scene: Days of Our Lives' Studios]
 Rachel: Hey Joey, is this the bed where Olivia lost her virginity?
 Joey: I don't know, but one of the extras sure did! (pause) Hey, listen
   Rach. Thanks again for coming down to watch my scenes!
 Rachel: Oh, please!Honey, just the fact that you want me here to support
   you, I'm...OH MY GOD!Is that Christian Sanders?He's so gorgeous!
 Joey: Also so gay!
 Rachel: Oh, in my head he's done some pretty 'not-gay-stuff'!
 Joey: Well, at the Christmas party him and Santa did some definitely
   gay stuff!
 Director: Joey, Joey! We're ready for you!
 Joey: Oh, wish me luck!


Rachel: Ok, not that you need it but good...GOD!Is that Chase Lassiter?He's
   straight, right?
 Joey: Rach, I gotta say...if you weren't here wondering if these guys
   were gay I don't know if I could do this!
 Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry, you're right.I'm sorry, good luck! (they hug)
 Director: On a bell please! Quietly.. and ACTION!
 (the scene starts.Joey enters and there's a girl wearing a wedding dress near
   a bed)
 Actress/Olivia: Drake! What are you doing in here?
 Joey/Drake: Stopping you from marrying the wrong man and making the
   biggest mistake of your life.
 Actress/Olivia: Get out!
 Joey/Drake: You don't love him!
 Actress/Olivia: What do you know about love?
 Joey/Drake: I know what I felt that night when we kissed under the bridge.
 Actress/Olivia: That kiss never happened.
 Joey/Drake: Oh, what about this one.
 (the actress slaps him)
 Rachel: (watching a television where the scene is shown, startled) OH!
 Actress/Olivia: No, I told you...get out!
 Joey/Drake: Fine. I'll go. But let me ask you one question...
 Chase Lassiter: (talking to Rachel) You look familiar, have we...
 Rachel: SSSHHHHTTT!!He's asking her a question!!
 Joey/Drake: Can you really live the rest of your life never knowing
   what we could have been?
 Actress/Olivia: I don't have a choice...
 Joey/Drake: Yes, you do.Yes...you do. I'm the one who doesn't have a
   choice because I...because I can't stop loving you.
 Actress/Olivia: Don't say that...
 Joey/Drake: Tell me to stop, just...tell me to stop. (he's about to
   kiss her)
 Director: CUT!
 Rachel: NO! (pause) Or, cut!You know, that's your call!
 [Scene: Monica's restaurant]
 1st Customer: Everything was delicious!
 Monica: Thank you!
 2nd Customer: It was. The duck in particular was superb.
 Monica: Thank you!(she looks at the 3rd customer waiting for a compliment)
   You haven't said anything...
 3rd Customer: Actually I do have one small complaint.
 Monica: Oh..please!I-I welcome criticism.
 3rd Customer: The musician right outside the restaurant...it's kind
   of a mood-killer!
 Monica: What musician?
 [Scene: Outside the restaurant]
 Phoebe: (playing guitar and singing) And there's a country called Argentinaaaa,
   it's a place I've never seeeeen. But I'm told for fifty pesos you can buy a
   human spleen. Humaaan spleeeeen. Ole!
 Monica: What are you doing here!
 Phoebe: Well, you said that you had customers lined up in the street,
   so I am here to entertain!
 Monica: Great!
 Phoebe: Yeah! It really has been great too, you know, some of this people
   must have seen me play before because they were requesting a bunch of my songs!
   Yeah, 'You suck' and 'shut up and go home'.
 Monica: Listen Phoebe...
 Phoebe: Yeah.
 Monica: You know how much I love listening to your music, you know,
   but...
 Phoebe: But what?
 Monica: This is kind of a classy place.
 Phoebe: (pause) Ok, say no more.
 [Time lapse: Phoebe in front of restaurant again]
 Phoebe: (with a fancy dress, still playing and singing): It wasn't just
   that she was fat, the woman smelled like garbage! Everyone! It wasn't just that
   she was fat the woman smelled like garbaaaaaage! (to Monica, showing her dress)
   Classy, uh?
 (Monica covers her face with her hands)
 [Scene: hall of the romantic inn in Vermont]
 Chandler: Hi, Chandler Bing, I have a reservation.
 Receptionist: Welcome to the Chestnut Inn Mr. Bing, so where are you
   joining from?
 Chandler: New York.
 Ross: (in a strange voice and eating candies) The big apple!
 Chandler: I'm sorry, he's a little bit wound up, we had to stop at every
   maple candy stand on the way here.
 Ross: Yeah, I ate all my gifts for everybody.
 Receptionist: I am sorry Mr. Bing, there's no record of your reservation
   in the computer.
 Chandler: Well, that's impossible, can you check again, please?
 Ross: (high pitched voice) Check again please!
 Receptionist: I'm sorry, it's not here.
 Ross: Not there.
 Chandler: Let me get this straight. I called yesterday trying to cancel
   my reservation and I was told it was not refundable, then we drove six hours
   all the way up here and now you tell me that we don't have a reservation?
 Receptionist: I don't know what to say.
 Ross: (mumbling) She doesn't know what to say!
 Chandler: Just give us the cheapest room you have.
 Receptionist: Unfortunatly the only thing we have available is our deluxe
   suite, the rate is six hundred dollars.
 Chandler: That's insane!
 Ross: Totally insane. Dude, let's drive home, we'll hit all the maple
   candy stores on the way back and if...if they're closed maybe we'll tap a tree
   and make some ourselves.


Chandler: Does that room have a closet I can lock him in? (pause) We'll
   take it.
 Receptionist: Great.
 Chandler: (aside, to Ross) What!? They are totally ripping us off!
 Ross: Dude, don't worry 'bout it! I know how we can make your money
   back! This is a nice hotel, you know, plenty of amenities, we just load up on
   those! Like those apples. Instead of taking one, I'm... I take six!
 Chandler: Great, at a hundred dollars an apple, we're there!
 Ross: C'mon, you get the idea, ow-ow-ow we'll make our money back in
   no time!
 Chandler: Dude, you're shaking!
 Ross: I think it's the sugar, could you hold the apple?
 [Scene: Joey's apartment]
 Rachel: Hi!
 Joey: Hey!
 Rachel: Joey, I gotta tell ya, I've been thinking all day about
   that scene you did, I mean, you were amazing!
 Joey: Oh, you know, the writing was good, and the director is good,
   and... and my co-star's good but they're not as good as me!
 Rachel: God, you have to tell me what happens tomorrow!
 Joey: Ow, I'm just going over the script now! You wanna read lines with
   me?
 Rachel: Me? Oh, no, I am not an actress.
 Joey: Oh, all right, I can ask Monica.
 Rachel: Oh screw her, that part is mine!
 Joey: Right... (pause) ok, so just from the top of the page, right here.
 Rachel: Okay. (pause).(acting) Hello Drake, I'm surprised to see you
   here.
 Joey/Drake: I can't believe you married him.
 Rachel/actress: But what choice did I have. He was keeping my sister
   in a dungeon!
 Joey/Drake: So what about us? Everything we feel for each other.
 Rachel/actress: It's over! You have to accept that.
 Joey/Drake: How can I? Knowing I'll never hold you in my arms again,
   or touch your skin, or feel your lips, knowing I'll never make love to you?
   How can I accept that... I can never kiss you again when it's all I can do not
   to kiss you right now.
 Rachel: (pause) Kiss me.
 Joey: What?
 Rachel: Kiss me.
 Joey: Ah, Rach, it doesn't say that!
 Rachel: No, I'm saying...
 Joey: but, but..
 Rachel: just... don't talk... (she kisses him)
 [Scene: Rachel's bedroom]
 Rachel: (waking up) Ehhh, aw! (pause). Well, that's new!
 [Scene: Hotel's room]
 Ross: (on the phone) Hi, this is Ross Geller in suite 206. It seems
   you forgot a couple of things. Could you have some complimentary toiletries
   sent up to my room? (pause) Thank you! Ok. Toothbrush, toothpaste, razor, mouthwash,
   deodorant, dental floss, band aids, shaving cream, after shave... and I feel
   like I am forgetting something... Is there anything else you have that I haven't
   asked for already? (pause) Yeah, go ahead, send up some tampons.
 (Chandler enters the room)
 Ross: What did you get?
 Chandler: USA Today
 Ross: Nice, put it with the others.
 Chandler: And I also got... two more apples.
 Ross: We are four short of a bush-o (pause). God I feel so alive, I
   love being in the country!
 Chandler: I also got this great salt and pepper shaker from the restaurant.
 Ross: Oh, that's not cool.
 Chandlers: Dude, none of this is cool.
 Ross: No, Chandler, you have to find the line between stealing and taking
   what the hotel owes you. For example: hair drier, no, no, no, but shampoo and
   conditioners, yes, yes, yes. (pause) Now, the salt shaker is off-limits, but
   the salt (he opens the salt shaker and pours the salt into his hand)
   I wish I'd thought this through.
 Chandler: I think I know what you mean though...the lamp is the hotel's,
   but the bulbs (goes to take the bulb)...oh, you already got that.
 Ross: Not my first time in a hotel, my friend.
 Chandler: Ok, how about this (picks up the remote control)?
 Ross: No, no, no, you can't take the remote control!
 Chandler: Yes, but the batteries...
 (Ross claps his hands)
 Chandler: Thank you, thank you very much!
 Ross: Let's celebrate with some maple candy!
 Chandler: No!
 Ross: At least tell me where you hid it.
 [Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel are sitting on the sofa]
 Rachel: Can I ask you a question?
 Monica: Yeah.
 Rachel: Have you ever had any weird romantic dreams?
 Monica: Let me think. Oh, when I was younger I used to dream that I
   got married to Mayor McCheese, and on our wedding night I ate his head.
 Rachel: Ok, well this is like that...in no way. I had a...I had a dream
   last night that I wanted to kiss Joey.


Monica: Wow, do you mean like kiss him-kiss him?
 Rachel: Oh yeah! I mean, that was pretty intense.
 Monica: What do you think brought than on?
 Rachel: I don't know! I mean, maybe that's something to do with the
   fact that I saw him do a love scene yesterday.
 Monica: A love scene? With who?
 Rachel: Olivia.
 Monica: Olivia? I thought she was marrying Connor! (pause) Oh right,
   real life more important.
 Rachel: So do you think that my dream means anything?
 Monica: I don't know. I mean, you saw him do a love scene, so maybe
   you don't have a thing for Joey, maybe you have a thing for Drake.
 Rachel: Ah! Well it was Joey reading Drake's lines in the dream...
 Monica: Of course it was! Trust me, when it comes to psychology I know
   what I'm talking about. I took two psych classes in college.
 Rachel: You took the same class twice.
 Monica: It was hard!
 (Phoebe comes in)
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Rachel and Monica: Hi.
 Phoebe: Here, Monica, look what I got to wear when I play at the restaurant
   (she dons a top hat) uh, huh wait! (she raises a pair of spectacles to her eyes)
   Right? I mean, this might even class up the ballad of the uncircumcised man.
 Monica: Oh...Phoebe? Maybe I wasn't clear before. I really love listening
   to your music here, but my restaurant is sort of an upscale place.
 Phoebe: Right, yeah, ok, I'll ask the butler to fetch my diamonds out
   of the vault.
 Monica: Phoebe, it's not what you wear. It's sort of your songs... I
   just don't think you should play at the restaurant anymore.
 Phoebe: Oh, ok. Fine, I'll just, I'll take the hat back (she puts the
   hat in a bag and she crushes it angrily on the floor with her foot).
 (silence)
 Rachel: Hey, so you guys, the funniest thing happened, at work...
 Phoebe: My songs aren't good enough for your restaurant?
 Rachel: Ok, we're still on that.
 Monica: I didn't say your songs were not good enough.
 Phoebe: Then what's wrong with them? Would they not go with your tiny
   portions of pretentious food?
 Monica: Tiny portions?
 Phoebe: Yeah well, 'excuse me, I ordered the smoked salmon appetizer,
   but (peering through her spectacles) I can't see it, I can't see it'!
 Monica: Phoebe, it's not about quantity.
 Phoebe: Well...it's not about quality.
 Monica: Oh really, you want to talk about quality? Have you heard of
   a key? It's what some people sing in.
 Phoebe: Well at least all my songs don't taste like garlic. Yeah, there
   are other ingredients Monica.
 Monica: Ok, so that's what we're doing. You know, when I'm in the coffee
   house bopping along to one of your songs, I'm wearing ear plugs.
 Phoebe: Ear plugs, or cloves of garlic?
 Monica: You know what? I take back what I said before. You keep playing
   at the restaurant, because with your music driving people inside, my bar sales
   are going up like crazy.
 Phoebe: What are people having, the garlic Martini?
 [Scene: Hotel's reception]
 Receptionist: Here's your copy of the bill, we hope you enjoyed your
   stay.
 Chandler: Oh we did, and you still have all your lamps.
 (the receptions is puzzled. She goes in the back.)
 Chandler: Oh, I didn't factor in the room tax.
 Ross: Oh dude, don't worry about it, I found an unattended maid's car.
   We're way ahead of the game.
 (they make as if to go, but Ross notices something)
 Ross: Oh my god.
 Chandler: What?
 Ross: There's something new in the bowl.
 Chandler: Look, we have enough, just walk away.
 Ross: No, but I want...I want the pinecones!
 Chandler: There's a forest right outside.
 Ross: It's not the same.
 Chandler: Ok, go quick!
 (Ross starts stuffing pinecones in the suitcase. As the receptionist walks
   in, Chandler makes a bird's verse and Ross stops)
 Ross: (to the receptionist) Thank you for a delightful stay.
 (he picks up the suitcase, which falls open, revealing all the stuff they have
   taken from the hotel. The receptionist just looks at them.)
 Ross: Oh, my maple candy!
 [Scene: In front of Monica's restaurant. Phoebe is playing]
 Phoebe: (singing) Food here at 'Javu'..will kill you..the food here
   at 'Javu' ...will kill you..
 (Monica comes out)
 Monica: Thank god, it's just you! I thought someone was swinging a bag
   of cats against the wall.
 Phoebe: You'd better get back in that kitchen Monica, the garlic is
   not gonna overuse itself.


Monica: Ok, you have to stop playing now.
 Phoebe: Why? The only person my playing is bothering is you!
 Monica: Oh yeah? Ok, let's settle this, come on!
 Phoebe: (while Monica drags her in the restaurant) Get your garlic-peelers
   off me!
 Monica: (to the restuarant customers) Excuse me, excuse me, hi, I'm
   Monica Geller..I'm the head chef here.. (pauses as if waiting for something)..
   Ok, I was actually expecting a little applause there, but whatever! Ok, quick
   question: by a show of hands, how many of you were bothered by this woman's
   singing outside? (a few people raise their hands)
 Phoebe: Ok, ok, how many of you enjoyed the music outside? (a
   few people raise their hands) Ha!
 Monica: Alright, let me ask you this question: How many of you thought
   the music was fine, but not in keeping with the tone of the restaurant? (a few
   raise their hands again).
 Phoebe: Ok, well, who identified the tone of this restaurant as pretentious
   comma garlicky?
 Monica: Ok who thinks the food is delicious and a little pretention
   never hurt anyone? (a few raise their hands)
 Phoebe: Ok, well, alright, who thinks the food is fine, the music was
   fine, but your evening was ruined by this incessant poll taking? (all raise
   their hands).
 Monica: Excuse us! (then to Phoebe) Alright here's a question: Who was
   so worried about her restaurant being fancy that she made a big deal about her
   friend playing her music and feels really bad about it now? (raises her hand)
 Phoebe: Oh...Who was so stupid and stubborn that she lashed out against
   her friend's cooking which she actually thinks is pretty great! (raises her
   hand)
 Monica: I'm sorry...
 Phoebe: I'm sorry too... (they hug)
 Monica: ooohh... hey! Wanna stick around and I'll whip you up some dinner?
 Phoebe: Yeah! As long as it's free! Food here is ridiculously over-p...
 (Monica seems to take it amiss)
 Phoebe: (smiling, raising her hand) Who's hoping the hand raising thing
   is still cute enough that you won't hate me?
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Rachel walks in]
 Rachel: Hey!
 Joey: Hey!
 Rachel: Joey, do you have peanut butter on the back of your head?
 Joey: (Touches the back of his head and licks his fingers) Oh man! I
   thought I got it all!
 Rachel: (looks puzzled) How...how...?
 Joey: I was making a peanut butter smoothy, right?
 Rachel: uh-huh
 Joey: And I couldn't find this little plastic thing (holds up plastic
   thing) that goes on top of the blender...and I thought...well... how important
   can that be, right...? Turns out very!
 Rachel: (to herself) Wow...definitely just Drake...
 Joey: What?
 Rachel: What...how is it going with Drake?
 Joey: Oh...I don't think it's going very well...
 Rachel: What...that scene I saw was so good!
 Joey: Well, I'm feeling really insecure about the one we are shooting
   tomorrow...
 Rachel: Joey, is this that thing that you do when you say you're bad
   so I'll give you a compliment?
 Joey: A little. Yeah no, I really am worried, you know, I mean I have
   to make it convincing that I'm in love with Olivia.
 Rachel: So?
 Joey: So...I've never played that!
 Rachel: Ooh! Honey, it can't be that hard, I mean, you've been in love
   before?
 Joey: Uh...well...just once...with you...
 Rachel: Ok...this could be a little awkward...I'm just going to blow
   past it... well can't you just use that method actor thing where you use your
   real life memories to help you in your performance?
 Joey: (looks at her for a moment) What the hell are you talking about??
 Rachel: (shakes her head) Alright, alright look, just uh... just try
   to remember how you felt when you were in love, and think about that when you're
   playing the scene.
 Joey: (approvingly) Oh! ok, yeah, I think I can do that. Yeah ok, there's
   this party scene coming up.. and Olivia and her husband are there and all Drake
   wants to do is grab her and kiss her, but he can't... And that makes me think
   about all those times when I wanted to grab you and kiss you, but you didn't
   know so I would just pretend everything was cool, but really, it was killing
   me.
 Rachel: (looks touched) Joey, you never..you never talked about that
   before...
 Joey: Well.. hey, you know what else I could use? There's a scene where
   Drake sneaks into Olivia's bedroom, and she doesn't know he's there - which
   never happened with us! And he knows he shouldn't be there, but he just wants
   to look at her... you know? (In a romantic voice) And I remember all those mornings
   before you even put on your make-up, when I would think to myself, my God, she...is...
   beautiful... (Rachel looks very moved) and it hurts so much, cuz I knew I could
   never tell you (pauses, while looking at her with sentiment) but it was worth
   it just to be there looking at you.
 (Joey and Rachel continue to look at each other in silence for a while)


 Friends
   920 - The One With The Soap Opera Party
 Teleplay: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
   Story: Shana Goldberg-Meehan
   Directed by: Sheldon Epps
   Transcribed by: Eleonora, Pheeboh, Sebastiano & Vanessa
 [Scene: Monica's apartment]
 Joey: (enters the room) Hey, you guys, what are you doing tomorrow night?
 Chandler: (browsing through a diary) Well, let me see... I-I believe
   I'm... yes, falling asleep in front of the TV.
 Joey: Look, my agent hooked me up with six tickets to a great play.
 Chandler: I could fall asleep at a play.
 Phoebe: What is it?
 Joey: It's a one-woman play called 'Why don't you like me: a bitter
   woman's journey through life'.
 Monica: It sounds interesting!
 Ross: Yeah, it does sound interesting, I mean, to listen to a woman
   complain for two hours, I don't think it gets bett... (Ross starts snoring,
   faking to fall asleep)
 Phoebe: I know, I know, we can drive, we can vote, we can work, what
   more do these broads want?
 Joey: You guys are gonna have a great time, I promise!
 Ross: What? How come that you don't have to go!
 Joey: I wish I could but I just found out that I have to be at work
   really early the next day, so I can't go, but, you know, take the extra
   ticket and invite whoever you want.
 Chandler: (browsing through a diary) Uh, let's see, who do I hate?
 Rachel: (gets up from the sofa and moves to the kitchen but Joey blocks
   her way) Oh, sorry... Oops, sorry.
 Joey: (lifts Rachel up and moves her behind him so she can walk on)
   Hey, here you go.
 Rachel: Ooh... oooh... (pause) (Rachel is all bah-jiggity about Joey)
   oh, ah... (pause) (to Monica) Can I ask you a question?
 Monica: Yeah.
 Rachel: Do you think it's possible for two friends to fool around and...
   and not have it be a big deal?
 Monica: No, I don't think it ever works. Why?
 Rachel: No reason.
 Monica: No, no, Rachel?
 Rachel: Yeah
 Monica: Who do you wanna fool around with?
 Rachel: (with high pitched voice) Nobody, forget it!
 (Monica points at Joey, Rachel turns and sees him)
 Rachel: (giggling and whispering) Maybe.
 Monica: (whispering) You can't!
 Rachel: (whispering) Why? (Monica gesticulates mumbling something that
   starts with 'because') Seriously I did not understand a word that
   you said.
 Monica: In the hall.
 [Scene: In the hall]
 Monica: You wanna fool around with Joey?
 Rachel: Yeah! You know, ever since I had that dream about him, and can't
   get it out of my head! And what's the big deal, people do it all the time!
 Monica: Who? Who do you know that are friends that just fool around?
 Rachel: Ok, off the top of my head... Don and Janet.
 Monica: Who, who are they?
 Rachel: I know them from work.
 Monica: Both of them?
 Rachel: No, one of them...
 Monica: Which one?
 Rachel: I don't know, what were the names I just said?
 Monica: Rachel, things can get incredibly complicated.
 Rachel: All right, all right, you're right, I won't do anything
   with Joey, I just thought that we (Joey enters the hall) Ok so that would be
   two cups of tarragon, one pound of baking soda and one red onion? (Joey enters
   his apartment)
 Monica: What the hell are you cooking!
 Opening credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross enters]
 Ross: Hey!
 Monica: Hey!
 Chandler: Hey!
 Ross: Hey, you guys won't believe what I have to do for work today.
 Chandler: Yes, but, Ross you chose a career of talking about
   dinosaurs.
 Ross: (covering with his hand Chandler's face, like pretending he's
   not there) (to Monica) There're these two professors who are joining my department
   and I have to meet them here and show them around campus.
 Monica: What's so bad about that?
 Ross: It's I just know they're gonna be a couple of windbags wearing
   tweed jackets with suede elbow patches.
 Monica: (fingering her elbow): Ross?
 Ross: (looking his elbow, where there's a patch) These aren't suede.
 (a woman walks in)
 Charlie: (to Gunther) Excuse me, I'm looking for someone. You don't,
   by any chance, know a Ross Geller?
 Gunther: No.
 Ross: Hi, hi, I'm Ross Geller.
 Charlie: Oh, hi. I'm professor Wealer.
 Ross: Oh, oh, that's, that's, that's nice.
 Charlie: It's a... It's good to meet you! Thank you so much for taking
   the time out to show me around.


Ross: Oh, no, it's no big deal, I mean, if I weren't doing this I'd
   just, you know, be at the gym working out.
 Monica: (to Chandler) Is he gonna introduce us?
 Chandler: (to Monica) No, I think we're just blurry shapes to him now.
 Charlie: And, by the way, I really enjoyed your paper on the connection
   between geographic isolation and rapid mutagenesis.
 Ross: Oh, ha, I wrote that in one minute.
 Monica: (to chandler) Twenty bucks says they're married within the month.
 Ross: (hitting Monica with his suitcase) (to Charlie) We should probably
   get going, you know, we got a lot of ground to cover.
 Charlie: Oh, ah, isn't there another professor that is supposed to come
   with us?
 Ross: I don't think so.
 Charlie: I'm pretty sure, professor Spafford from Cornell?
 Ross: Oh, well he's obviously late and the rule in my class is 'if
   you can't come on time, then don't come at all'. (pause) An option that
   many of my students use. (pause) Shall we?
 Charlie: You don't think we should wait for him?
 Ross: You know what, he's a big boy, I'm sure he'll find us, ok?
 Professor Spafford: Professor Geller?
 Ross: Oh, damn it!
 [Scene: Joey's apartment]
 (Rachel enters the room and checks the answering machine)
 Jane: (from the answering machine) Hi Joey it's Jane Rogers, can't wait
   for your party tonight. Listen, I forgot your address, can you give me a call?
   Thanks, bye.
 Joey: (entering the room) Hey!
 Rachel: Hey!
 Joey: What's happenin'?
 Rachel: Yeah, it's a real shame you can't make it to that one-woman
   show tonight.
 Joey: Oh, I'd love to, but I gotta get up so early the next day and
   so, you know me, work comes first
 Rachel: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah... (she plays the answering machine)
 Message: 'Hi Joey, it's Jane Rogers can't wait for your party tonight'
   (Joey's upset and stops it)
 Joey: (yelling) Stupid Jane Rogers!!
 Rachel: (angry) You are having a party tonight??
 Joey: Kinda have a... a thing for the Days Of Our Life's people.
 Rachel: And you weren't going to tell us? How did you think you were
   gonna get away with that?
 Joey: I do it every year.
 Rachel: You do that every year??
 Joey: I didn't have to tell you that!! I'm stupider than Jane Rogers!!
 Rachel: Oh, that's why you got these tickets to that play, to get rid
   of us??
 Joey: Yeah...
 Rachel: And last year is that why you sent us to that medieval times
   restaurant?
 Joey: Yeah...
 Rachel: OH! And the year before that, when you set up that nighttime
   tour of that button factory?
 Joey: (Smiling) I can't believe you guys went for that one!
 Rachel: Joey, why wouldn't you invite us to your parties?
 Joey: You're fine, ok? But everyone else acts like an idiot around famous
   people!
 Rachel: Well, then so you just invite me...!
 Joey: (speaking aloud) Please, I was trying to be nice, you're the worst
   one!
 Rachel: Oh, Joey, come on! Please, please! Let me come, I will behave,
   I promise! I will behave! Please, please, please...
 Joey: Ok, ok! Fine! You can come, but don't tell anybody else. It's
   up on the roof at 8.
 Rachel: (yelling and jumping like a child) OH, a soap opera roof party!!
   I'm going to a soap opera roof party!! Oh my God, oh my God!! (realizing how
   she's behaving) And it's out of my system!
 [Scene: Ross, Charlie and Professor Spafford are sitting at the
   table in a restaurant]
 Professor Spafford: (speaking very slowly) And then my wife and I went
   on a cruise to the Galapagos. There was a sea food buffet you wouldn't believe.
   There were clams, and mussels, and oysters, and cracked crab, and snow crab,
   and king crab. It's a pity I'm allergic to shellfish.
 Ross: (very bored, he tries to avoid the conversation speaking to Charlie)
   So, where did you get your undergraduate degree?
 Professor Spafford: And that's not all I'm allergic to.
 Ross: (to Charlie) Oh, it's not over!
 Professor Spafford: I'm also allergic to peanuts, and cashews, and almonds,
   and filberts...
 Ross: So basically all nuts?
 Professor Spafford: Interestingly... no.
 Charlie: Kinda playing fast and loose with the word 'interesting'.
 Professor Spafford: If you'll excuse me I'm going to use the restroom.
   (he goes away)
 Charlie: Oh my God!!
 Ross: I've lost the will to live.
 Charlie: Let's ditch him!


Ross: What?
 Charlie: Come on, he's still in the bathroom! I'm begging you!
 Ross: Oh... ok, fine. But... ehm... I just have one question for you,
   ehm... (aping Professor Spafford) When we exit should we walk, or run, or prance,
   or stroll...
 Charlie: Stop it, stop it! He talks slow but he might pee fast! Ok,
   let's go!! (they run outside)
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment]
 Ross: (entering with Charlie) Oh, hey you guys! This is Charlie! Charlie,
   this is Phoebe and my sister, Monica.
 Phoebe: Hi!
 Ross: Yeah, Charlie is gonna be joining my department.
 Phoebe: Oh, you're a paleonthologist, too! (pause) Oh, ok, now, what
   do you think of Ranion's new theory of species' variegation in segmented arthopods?
 Charlie: Well, I think he's a little out there, but he does have
   some interesting ideas...
 Phoebe: Ah, ah.
 Charlie: (her mobile phone rings) Oh, I'm sorry. I'll take this. Excuse
   me. (she cuts herself off for a moment)
 Ross: (to Phoebe) Ranion's theory of species variegation?
 Phoebe: Yeah, I saw the article on your coffee table and I memorized
   the title to freak you out!
 Monica: (to Ross) So, did you two have fun?
 Ross: Oh my God, she's great! I mean, we-we have so much in common and
   she's just cool, and funny...
 Monica: And I don't know if you've noticed but she's a (aloud) HOTTY!!
   (Charlie looks at her) HI!
 Rachel: (she enters wearing a bath-robe) Hey... Hi you guys! Listen,
   you know what? I'm not feeling really well. I think I can't get out for the
   play.
 Ross: Really? Wh-what's wrong?
 Rachel: I don't know! I think it's kind of serious! Oh, you know...
   I was watching this thing on TV this morning about... Newcastle disease... and
   I think I might have it!!
 Charlie: Oh, Newcastle disease is a secretion borne virus that only
   affects chickens and... other poultry.
 Rachel: ... Ok, who is this?
 Ross: I'm sorry, Rachel, this is Charlie Wealer, she's a collegue.
 Rachel: Oh, hi! I would check your hand but... I'm sure you don't want
   to get my chicken disease!
 Monica: Hey, Rachel, Can-can I see you for a sec?
 Rachel: Sure! (Monica takes her apart) Oh...
 Monica: You're not sick!
 Rachel: What? Yes, I am!
 Monica: Ok, then, why are you... (she opens her robe revealing a nice
   black dress) all dressed up??
 Rachel: When you're sick, you do whatever you can to make yourself feel
   better! (she closes her robe)
 Monica: You just wanna stay home so you can make a move on Joey!
 Rachel: Oh, no, no! I heard you before, that is so not what this is!
 Monica: Ok, what is this?
 Rachel: Ok! (whispering) Joey is having a secret Days Of Our Lives party
   up on the roof and he sent you guys to the play to get rid of you!
 Monica: (aloud) WHAT?
 Ross: (looking at them) Wh-what's going on?
 Monica: Joey is having a secret Days Of Our Lives party up on the roof!
 Rachel: And he didn't want you guys to know about it but I came over
   here to tell you!!
 Charlie: I thought you came to say you were sick.
 Rachel: Ok professor or detective?
 Phoebe: Joey's having a party and he wasn't gonna invite us?
 Rachel: Yeah, and he does it every year! That's why he's sending you
   to that play! That's why he sent us to that medieval restaurant and to that
   button factory!
 Phoebe: And that horrible museum tour!
 Ross: No, I arranged that...
 (Joey enters, wearing a bathrobe)
 Joey: (sounds tired) Hey you guys, I'm turning in. Have fun.
 Phoebe: We know about your party Joey.
 Joey: What party?
 Monica: The game's over! Take off your robe!
 Joey: (looks perplexed and opens up his robe) Ok... I mean...
 Everyone: No!! Cover it up!!
 Joey: (to Charlie after covering himself up again) Nice to meet ya!
   (Charlie waves hesitantly and Joey leaves)
 [Scene: The Roof]
 Joey: (To some people) Hey! Hey alright! Hey, glad you could make it
   (Shakes a man's hand) Thanks for coming.
 Monica: Oh my God! Kyle Lowder!
 Kyle Lowder: (to Monica) Hi. (walks on)
 Monica: (Yells after him) I love you!
 Joey: Hey, that's why I didn't invite you. you have to calm down, alright...
   go, go get yourself a drink or something...
 Monica: Oh yeah that's what you want - my inhibitions lowered.
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Monica: (Excited) Oh my God, can you believe we are surrounded by all
   this? I can barely control myself.


Phoebe: Monica, you might want to remember that you are married. Where
   is Chandler anyway? (Looks around)
 Monica: (Shocked) Oh my God! Chandler!
 [Scene: The theater. Chandler is sitting in the otherwise empty
   front row, looking around nervously]
 Chandler: Where the hell is everybody?
 (The lights dim and Chandler tries to get away but as the bitter lady comes
   on stage and starts yelling he promptly changes his mind and sits down)
 Bitter lady: (yelling) Why don't you like me?! Chapter One: My first
   period.
 [Scene: The Roof, Rachel is talking to a guy who hands her a
   tissue with something written on it]
 Monica: (to Rachel) Hey! Joey said no autographs! But if she's gettting
   one, then I want one too: To Monica. And none of this 'best wishes'
   crap. I want 'love'.
 Rachel: Ok actually Mon, Matthew was just giving me his phone number.
 Monica: Oh man! If I had known I was coming to this party I never would
   have gotten married!
 Matthew Ashford: It was nice to meet you Rachel.
 Rachel: Nice to meet you.
 Matthew Ashford: Call me.
 Rachel: Ok
 (Matthew leaves)
 Monica: (yelling after him) We will!!
 Monica: (to Rachel) Look at you with all the guys!
 Rachel: Yeah!
 Monica: I guess you have forgotten all about Joey?
 Rachel: Yeah, well, I guess I have forgotten about Joey and clearly
   you've forgotten about Chandler!
 Monica: Please... Chandler is the love of my life... (At which point
   a man in leather pants walks by)... oooh leather pants! Have Mercy! (Follows
   the man in the leather)
 (cut to Ross and Charlie)
 Ross: (to Charlie) So, eh... it's probably gonna be hard for you to
   leave Boston, huh?
 Charlie: Actually, I'm kinda happy to be leaving... I just broke up
   with someeone.
 Ross: Ooh... so sad... Still, it can't be easy for you to leave Harvard?
   Especially after working alongside a Nobel Prize winner like Albert Wintermeyer?
 Charlie: Actually, Alby is the guy I broke up with.
 Ross: You... you dated Albert Wintermeyer?
 Charlie: Yeah...
 Ross: ... And you called him Alby!? (laughs) I mean that's like... like
   calling Albert Einstein... er... Alby...
 Charlie: Yeah, well, he is a brilliant man.
 Ross: Eh, you think? I mean, you went out with a guy who improved the
   accuracy of radiocarbon dating by a factor of 10!
 Charlie: Yes! And while that is everything one looks for in a
   boyfriend, he had a lot of issues...
 Ross: (very interested) Oh! like what?! (Charlie looks at him confused,
   but smiling) Oh I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry... it's just that this must be
   what regular people experience when they watch 'Access Hollywood'.
 Charlie: Ok, you want the dirt? Alby was seriously insecure. I mean,
   he was really intimidated by the guy I dated before him.
 Ross: Who is intimidating to a guy who won the Nobel Prize?
 Charlie: A guy who won two.
 Ross: (a little suprised) Two? Wha...? Don't tell me you dated Benjamin
   Hobart
 Charlie: Yeah... for three years.
 Ross: Oh my God! Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who
   hasn't won the Nobel Prize?
 Charlie: (smiling and thinks for a moment)... no... bu but there was
   my first boyfriend Billy.
 Ross: Oh yeah? no, no Nobel Prizes for him?
 Charlie: No, but he did just win the McArthur genius grant.
 Ross: Huh... huh... what a loser! Some more wine? (takes the half-full
   glasses and goes to the counter)
 Phoebe: Hey Ross!
 Rache: How is it going with Charlie?
 Ross: (sarcastically) Oh Great! After I finish my wine I'm going to
   blow my... eh. average-sized brains out.
 Phoebe: Oh, What's the matter?
 Ross: She... she only dates geniuses and Nobel Prize winners. Oh my
   God, at the chinese restaurant earlier today, I put chopsticks in my mouth and
   pretented to be a woolly mammoth.
 Rachel: I always loved that!!
 Ross: Of course you would, your brains are smaller than mine!!
   (Rachel nods) Man, I can't compete with the guys she goes out with, they are
   so out of my league! oh my God!
 Phoebe: Worse?
 Ross: Oh much, much worse. I did my impression of Joan Rivers as one
   of the earliest amphibians... (gestures with his hands and says in an impression
   voice?) 'Can we walk'? (Phoebe starts laughing) Oh, you... you like
   that?


Phoebe: (still laughing) No. (points to Rachel who stuck two straws
   in her mouth to look like a mammoth's tusks)
 Ross: What? (turns around to look at Rachel)
 Rachel: Come on! I think this is funny! (Ross leaves)
 [Scene: Chandler in the theater]
 Bitter lady: Well, I bet you are all thinkin' 'Now would be a really
   great time for an intermission', huh?
 Chandler: (To himself) oh yes, God yes!!
 Bitter lady: (now yelling) Well, you're not gonna get one! Because in
   life there are no intermissions, people. Chapter 7: Divorce is a 4 letter word.
   (Now standing right in front of Chandler and bending down almost to his level
   as if speaking to him, yelling even louder) How could he leave me?!?!
 Chandler: I... I don't know... you seem lovely.
 [Scene: The roof, Joey is walking towards Ross with a guy]
 Joey: Hey Ross, this is one of my co-stars, Dirk. (To Dirk) Dirk, this
   is my good friend Ross. (Ross and Dirk shake hands)
 Ross: Nice to meet you.
 Dirk: Hey! So what show are you on?
 Ross: Oh, I'm no actor, I'm a professor of palaeontology.
 (Dirk is confused)
 Joey: It's a science.
 Dirk: Oh! Hey well listen, I play a scientist on 'Days'. And
   my character has just won the Nobel prize.
 (Ross looks annoyed hearing that even Dirk's character won a Nobel prize)
 Joey: Hey Ross, listen, Dirk was wondering about the woman that you
   brought and if you guys were together, or...
 Ross: Oh, well no, but I mean, she only goes out with really, really
   smart guys.
 Dirk: Hey, I got a 690 on my SATs.
 Ross: I'd lead with that.
 (Cut to Monica holding up her shirt, revealing her bra. An actor stands beside
   her, holding a pen in his hand.)
 Monica: That's it, just sign right on the bra (the actor does so).
 Joey: Monica!
 Monica: Don't worry Joe, I won't come next year!
 (Joey, resigned, walks to Rachel's table)
 Joey: (To Rachel) What have you got there?
 Ross: Just some boys gave me their phone numbers.
 Joey: Ah, let me see! (she hands him a pile of tissues) Damn, that's
   a lot of guys! Are you a little slutty?
 Rachel: (drunken voice) I think I am.
 Joey: (browsing the tissues) Let me see if I approve any of these clowns.
   This guy wears a rug (discards one). This guy's Canadian (discards another).
   And this guy is in a cult, ok, and it costs you 5,000$ to get to level three
   and I don't feel any different.
 (Rachel is puzzled)
 Joey: (discarding all the remaining tissues one by one) Pass, pass,
   oh, pass, double-pass, pass...
 Rachel: (picking up the tissues) Why, why, what's wrong with these
   guys?
 Joey: Nothing major, it's just that, you know, they're not really good
   enough for you, and you deserve the best.
 Rachel: Joey, you're so sweet.
 Joey: That's true. But you know what, it doesn't matter because I already
   know who you're gonna go home with tonight.
 Rachel: Who (looks around)?
 (Joey motions for Rachel to lean in. She does so.)
 Joey: Me.
 Rachel: (surprised) What? (with a nervous smile) Really?
 Joey: Yes, 'cause we live together, that's a joke!
 Rachel: Oh! Screw it, I didn't get it! (they high-five)
 Joey: Gotcha.
 Rachel: Oh, Very funny... Joey.
 (Joey leaves. Rachel gulps down what's left of her drink and grimaces.)
 (Chandler walks in)
 Chandler: (to Monica) So, how did you enjoy the play?
 Monica: Oh my god, honey, I'm so so so so so sorry.
 Chandler: Well you should be. You missed the most powerful three hours
   in the history of the theater.
 Monica: You really liked it?
 Chandler: Oh yeah! I mean at first I hated it, but why wouldn't I, because
   as a man I've been trained (bitter woman's tone) not to listen! (pause)
   But after chapter 16: 'fat, single and ready to mingle', I was uplifted.
 Monica: Oh really!
 Chandler: Oh yeah, I had no idea the amazing journey you go through
   as a woman! Tell me, tell me about your first period!
 Monica: No!
 Chandler: Did somebody sign your bra?
 Monica: So I got it when I was 13...
 [Scene: At the counter. Ross is sitting there, drinking. Phoebe
   approaches him.]
 Phoebe: Hey Ross! So listen, about you and the dinosaur girl, are you
   really just gonna let a couple of Nobel prizes scare you off? What is that,
   come on, a piece of paper?


 Friends
   921 - The one with the fertility test
 Teleplay: Robert Carlock
   Story: Scott Silveri
   Directed by: Gary Halvorson
   Transcribed by: Eleonora, Pheeboh, Sebastiano & Vanessa
 [Scene: Central Perk]
 Monica: It's so weird, how did Joey end up kissing Charlie last night?
   I thought you'd end up kissing Charlie.
 Ross: Hey, I thought I'd end up kissing Charlie too ok? But SURPRISE!
 Chandler: I missed most of the party (pause) Charlie's a girl, right?
 Ross: Yes, she is this new professor of my department that I did
   not kiss.
 Rachel: I don't know why Joey had to kiss her! I mean, of all the girls
   at the party, GOD!
 Ross: Why do you care so much?
 Monica: Yes Rachel, why do you care so much?
 Rachel: (worried) Be-cause Ross is the father of my child! You know...
   and I... want him to hook up with lots of women! (pause) I just... All I'm saying
   is... I don't think that Joey and Charlie have anything in common.
 Ross: Oh, I don't know, they seem to have a shared interest in each
   other's tonsils...
 Phoebe: Wow, Joey and a professor! Can you imagine if they had kids
   and if the kids got her intelligence and Joey's raw sexual magnetism... Oh,
   those nerds will get laaaaaid!
 Rachel: All right, so... Ross, you're ok with all this? I mean...
 Ross: Yeah, it's no big deal. I mean, I just met her and I'm fine with
   it...
 (Joey and Charlie enter. Ross looks at her)
 Ross: Oh, God. I forgot how hot she was!
 Joey: Hey!
 All: Hi!
 Ross: I'm gonna get some more coffee.
 Charlie: Oh, you know what? I'll come with you!
 Ross: Ok. (they both go)
 Chandler: (to Joey) So, a professor, uh?
 Joey: Yeah! She is cool, and she's so smart! Her mind is totally acrimonious
   (which, being Joey, he mispronounces 'amonious'). (pause) That's not
   how she used it...?
 Charlie: (talking to Ross) I feel like I owe you an explanation. I don't
   ordinarily go around kissing guys at parties. I'm... well, I'm kind of embarrassed.
   I really hope you don't think less of me.
 Ross: Uhm no! Think less of you! No, I don't think less of you. I mean,
   you saw someone you liked and you kissed them. I mean, those people who like
   someone and don't kiss them... those-those people are stupid, I hate those people.
 Charlie: You know, actually I'm a little surprised to myself. I mean,
   Joey is so different from the guys I usually date. I mean, they're all professors,
   and intellectuals, and paleontologists mostly, you know, very cerebral...
 Ross: Yeah, I know the type.
 Joey: Hey, if you wanna grab a bite before work we'd better get acrimonious.
   No? Am I getting close?
 Opening credits
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment]
 Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
 Monica: Hey!
 Phoebe: Hey you guys! Look what I just got. (she shows them a pair of
   slippers)
 Rachel: Oh, OH! Wow, I love those! Where did you get them?
 Phoebe: I bought them off Ebay! They used to belong to the late Shania
   Twain.
 Rachel: (after a pause) Phoebe, Shania Twain is still alive!
 Phoebe: Oh... then I overpaid. (she goes to the bathroom)
 Monica: Hey, what's this?
 Rachel: Oh, it's a gift certificate to this new SPA in SOHO.
 Monica: Oh, you can't show Phoebe this! She hates those corporate massage
   chains.
 Rachel: Ah, why, now I can't get a massage? There are so many things
   that she disapproves of! I can't eat veal, I can't wear fur, I can't go hunting...
 Monica: Do you wanna go hunting?
 Rachel: Well, I would like to have the option!!
 Phoebe: (coming back from the bathroom) What's up? (she sees the gift
   certificate in Rachel's hands) Hey, Rachel!!
 Rachel: Oh!
 Phoebe: No, you can't go there! You know how I feel about these 'big
   massage places'! They're putting people like me out of business!
 Monica: And she wants to go hunting, too!!
 Rachel: Phoebe, come on, I don't wanna waste it! It would be like throwing
   away a hundred bucks!
 Phoebe: Ok, this is not about the MONEY, ok? It's about... it's
   about corporate greed destroying our hearts and leaving us... the hollow shells.
 Rachel: I don't care about any of that!!
 Phoebe: Well, do you care about friendship?
 Rachel: Oh!
 Phoebe: I feel really strongly about this, Rachel. Please, don't use
   this gift certificate. I'm asking you as a friend.


Rachel: Oh, not as a friend, Phoebe!! Fine, I won't use it!
 Phoebe: Promise?
 Rachel: I promise.
 Phoebe: Thank you. (she tears up the gift certificate)
 Rachel: But I am going hunting!!
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment]
 Monica: (entering) Hey honey! I missed you today!
 Chandler: Oh, yeah?
 Monica: Yeah. (they kiss) What d'you wanna do tonight?
 Chandler: Oh, well... Maybe we could... (he sweeps the stuff off the
   table and wordlessly invites Monica to have sex on it)
 Monica: Ok, trying to turn me on by making a mess? Know your audience!
   Besides, tomorrow we're doing those fertility tests and until then you need
   to keep your tadpoles in the tank.
 Chandler: We really need to take those tests?
 Monica: Honey, we've been trying to have a baby for over a year. I think
   it's a good idea to find out if everything's ok. Just a few routine tests.
 Chandler: But I don't wanna do it in a cup!
 Monica: What is the big deal?
 Chandler: It's weird! In a doctor's office?
 Monica: It's not ok to do it in a doctor's office but it is ok to do
   it in a parked car behind a Taco Bell?
 Chandler: (embarrassed) I cannot believe Ross told you that! (pause)
   And in my defense, it was a Wendy's!
 Monica: Look, I don't wanna do this test either, but I really do think
   it's a good idea!
 Chandler: Yeah, ok. I'm sure that doctor's office can't be worst than
   on a class trip to the Hershey's factory!
 Monica: (really embarrassed) OH!
 Chandler: Oh, yeah! RACHEL TALKS TOO!
 [Scene: Joey's apartment]
 Joey: (sipping red wine from a glass) Who says that wine has to cost
   more than milk!
 (somebody knocks the door, Joey opens and it's Charlie)
 Joey: Heeey!
 Charlie: Hi!
 Joey: Come on in, how are ya?
 Charlie: I'm good!
 Joey: Can I offer you a drink?
 Charlie: Please, I've been crazed all day! I had a meeting with
   the Dean, and my syllabus for summer school is due and I'm writing the Foreword
   for a friend's book...
 Joey: Uh-oh. I hade a pretty hectic day at work too, today I had to
   open a door and go (looking scared) ohhhh!
 Charlie: So I am just so excited to be here. And I can't wait to start
   exploring the city!
 Joey: Hey, if you need a tour guide... (point to himself)
 Charlie: Oh, you mean it? That would be so fun!
 Joey: Yeah, definitely, definitely. Ok, what do you wanna see first?
 Charlie: Oh, well, we can go see the Chronos Quartet at the Avery Fisher
   Hall.
 Joey: (looking puzzled and nodding) Ok!
 Charlie: And there is a collection of Walt Whitman letters on display
   at the public library.
 Joey: I know, yeah!
 Charlie: And first, I have to see the MET!
 Joey: Ok, let me stop you right there. The Mets suck, ok? You wanna
   see the Yankees.
 Charlie: No, no, no, not the Mets, the MET, singular!
 Joey: Which one, they all suck!
 Charlie: The museum!
 Joey: (looking puzzled) I don't think so.
 [Scene: SPA massage center, Rachel enters]
 Rachel: (to the receptionist) Hi there!
 Receptionist: (in an affected tone) Hello, welcome to Lavender Day Spa
   SPA. How may I help you?
 Rachel: Oh, hi. I have a massage appointment under Rachel Green, and
   here is my gift certificate.
 Receptionist: This has been torn up.
 Rachel: And... taped back together.
 Receptionist: Ok well, I'll call you as soon as your massage therapist
   is ready.
 Rachel: Ok
 Receptionist: Have a seat through the glass doors.
 Rachel: (imitating the receptionist's tone) through the glass doors.
 Receptionist: Through the glass doors.
 Rachel: Alright-y then.
 (Phoebe enters the hall)
 Receptionist: Phoebe, your next client's in the waiting room.
 Phoebe: Ok. Do we have to talk like that then they're not around? (She
   sees Rachel) Oh, no, no! Listen, is there someone who can fill in for me?
 Receptionist: Sorry, everyone is booked!
 Phoebe: But that woman can't know I work here. She's a friend of mine
   and I made this big stink about how awful this massage chains are.
 Receptionist: Then why you work here?
 Phoebe: 'Cause it's good money! But that doesn't change the fact that
   this is an evil blood sucking corporate machine!
 Receptionist: Well, I think this is a great place to work!
 Phoebe: (watching around and whispering) Ok, are they listening?
 [Scene: Central Perk]
 (Joey walks in and moves towards Ross, who's sitting of the sofa)


Joey: Ross!
 Ross: Hi!
 Joey: I need to talk to you about Charlie.
 Ross: (annoyed) Oh, do you, do you really?
 Joey: Yeah, I'm... I'm kind of having a little problem.
 Ross: Look, if you don't know what the word 'acrimonious'
   means, just don't use it!
 Joey: No, look, you know Charlie, right? She's cool, she's funny, her
   body is soo...
 Ross: Get to the problem!
 Joey: Yes. It's just that she's so much smarter than all the girls I've
   ever dated! Combined! I don't want her to think I'm stupid!
 Ross: (looking down) Are you wearing two belts?
 Joey: (checking) EH, what do you know!
 Ross: You were saying you didn't want to seem stupid.
 Joey: Right, right, right, well, she wants to go to all this cultural
   places and I don't know how to talk about that stuff. You gotta help me out!
 Ross: You know, I really don't want to get involved in you guy's relationship.
 Joey: Please, c'mon, you're the smartest person I know and I really
   like this girl, ok, I don't wanna lose her.
 Ross: (after a short hesitation) Fine.
 Joey: Thanks.
 Ross: Ok. Let's see. Oh, you should take her to the MET!
 Joey: The Metsss!
 Ross: Oh, no! The MET! The Metropolitan Museum of Art.
 Joey: (realizing) Oh, that's what she meant! (pause) You know, if they're
   gonna shorten it, they should call it the MUSE! You know, short for museum,
   and avoid all the confusion!
 Ross: Yeah, most of it it's a place  packed with confused angry
   baseball fans!
 Joey: Ok, all right, so I'll take her to the MET.
 Ross: Yeah, uh, uh, ok, there's this great rare bookstore on Madison
   Avenue. You know what? She loves architecture, you know what you should do?
   You should take a walk down fifth to the Saint Patrick's Cathedral and there
   there's this great little pastry shop that she'd love.
 Joey: Geez, sounds like you should be going on this date!
 Ross: But I'm not! (pause). You know what if you're in the mood for
   Thai food...
 Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down, you go way too fast. Ok? Just
   go back to the MET, ok?
 Ross: Ok.
 Joey: You got to tell me exactly what to do there.
 Ross: Ok, when you walk in the museum, take the right, that's the antiquities
   wing. Ancient Egypt, Mesopotamia, up to the Byzantine Empire.
 Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! So, I walk in the door and make
   the right (and he bends his arm to the left. Ross then bends Joey's arm to the
   right and Joey nods)
 [Scene: doctor's waiting room]
 Chandler: I have a weird feeling about this place. (pause) How do I
   know that they are not gonna secretly videotape me and put it all over the internet.
 Monica: Because, honey, I mean this in the sweetest way possible, nobody
   is gonna wanna watch that.
 (a nurse walks in)
 Nurse: Mr. Bing? (Chandler jumps up) Here you are! You'll go into that
   room and deposit your specimen into the container.
 Chandler: Deposit my specimen? You know, usually I have to call a 900
   number for that kind of talk. Thanks, got it.
 Monica: Hey, honey, my test is down the hall, are you sure you're going
   to be ok?
 Chandler: Yeah, I guess!
 Monica: I know this is embarrassing, but nobody cares! No one here even
   knows you!
 Janice: OH MY GOD!!
 Chandler: Oh, Come on!
 Commercial Break
 Janice: Ah ahahahhahaa! How great is this!
 Monica: Hey, we're probably fertile, let's go home!
 Chandler: Why are you here?
 Janice: Well, Sid and I are trying again and we had trouble last time
   because apparently we...
 Chandler: (to Heaven) No no no... I mean, why? why is
   she here??
 Janice: Oh! Someone's a little cranky today cuz they have to do it in
   a cup! (laughs) Oh! They gave you the kiddy size (looking at the cup in his
   hand).
 Chandler: What!?
 (Janice does her 'Janice Laugh')
 Monica: This was fun! But I've got an invasive vaginal exam to get to!
   (leaves)
 Chandler: I'd love to stay, but I have eh... (points at the cup) got
   a hot date... (starts to leave)
 Janice: Please... go! (Then shouts after him) Just let me know if you
   need a hand!
 Chandler: (disgusted) I think it just fell off. (Leaves)
 [Scene: At the Spa, Phoebe is at the half-opened door]


Phoebe: (In a strange heavy accent) Hello 'ja', it's time
   for your massage, ja! Put your face in the hole.
 Rachel: Wow, a Swedish massage from a real Swedish person. (Puts her
   head in the hole and Phoebe enters)
 Phoebe: Okay, then I'm Swedish...
 Monica: So, what's your name?
 Phoebe: It's a normal Swedish name... Ikea...
 Rachel: Oh... what an interesting name.
 Phoebe: Ja!
 Rachel: You know I... (lifts her head and tries to look in Phoebe's
   direction)
 Phoebe: (pushes her head back down) Time for your scalp massage!
 Rachel: (Sees Phoebe's slippers through the hole) Wow... I really love
   your... (startled as she realizes those are Phoebe's slippers)
 Phoebe: Is something wrong?
 Rachel: No, it's just that uhm... it feels so good... Ikea... (pause)
   Yeah, say hey, you'll know this, what's the capital of Sweden?
 Phoebe: (Thinks for a few moments) Uhm... Stockholm.
 Rachel: Damn! I wish I knew if that was right!
 [Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey and Ross in the living room, rehearsing
   what Joey will say to Charlie in the Museum]
 Joey: (gesturing at an imaginary painting) Note the painterly lines
   and subtle impasto on this canvas. Monet painted quickly and usually outdoors
   as his elusive subject was light itself.
 Ross: Now, do you have any idea what you just said?
 Joey: (shaking his head as if to say: of course not!) No, no, my mouth
   says the words, my brain is thinking monster trucks!
 Ross: Ok now, remember, when you get to the museum, Monet is not spelt
   M-O-N-A-Y. I just... I wrote that out phonetically for you.
 Joey: Phonetically? (Looks confused)
 Ross: Yeah, yeah that means... you know? We just... we don't have time
   for this.
 Joey: Ok.
 Ross: Ok, but you know what? I gotta say, I'm really impressed that
   you were able to memorize all this so quickly!
 Joey: Ah! I'm an actor! I can memorize anything! Last week on 'Days'
   I had to say 'Frontal temporal zygomatic craniotomy'.
 Ross: Wow. What does that mean?
 Joey: No idea! But the guy I said it to dies in the next scene so I
   guess it means 'you're gonna get eaten by a bear'.
 Ross: Ok! So let's move on to the Renaissance?
 Joey: Ok, Caravaggio uses chiaroscuro here to highlight the anguish
   of the central figure. Touch it, it's really bumpy! (Reaches out to touch the
   imaginary painting).
 Ross: Nah ah! Nah ah! (stops him form doing so) No no no! No ad-libbing
   and dude, you can't touch the paintings.
 Joey: Come on! you... (reaches out to touch the imaginary painting again)
 Ross: No! (Slaps his hand)
 [Scene: The Fertility Clinic; Chandler walks out one of the rooms]
 Chandler: (To the nurse at the nurses' station) My specimen is in the
   room and I just want to thank whoever knocked on the door while I was in there.
   Really helped speed the process along! (walks towards the common area and sees
   Janice is still there) Janice! You're not... gone?
 Janice: Oh! Sid is still in his room. I don't allow porn at home so
   this is like a vacation for him. So did you do it? Did you make your deposit?
 Chandler: Yeah! yeah... The hard part is over!
 Janice: That's not the hard part honey! The hard part is what comes
   next, I mean aren't you worried about the results?
 Chandler: I haven't... I haven't even thought about the results yet...
   I just assumed that everything was gonna be ok.
 Janice: Oh! Well, you know what? It probably is.
 Chandler: (Slightly panicky) Yeah, but what if it's not? What if there
   is a reason why we can't have a baby?
 Janice: Oh, Chandler, look. You and Monica are meant to have children.
   I am sure it's gonna be just fine.
 Chandler: (smiling again) oh, oh, yeah, ok, thanks. I can't believe
   I didn't even think of that. I guess I was just so worried about having to...
   come here and do... 'that'...
 Janice: What, you can do it in the parking lot of a Taco Bell, but you
   can't do it at a doctor's office?
 Chandler: (stares at her intently, then yells) It was a 'Wendy's!!
   '
 [Scene: Phoebe and Rachel at the Spa. Phoebe is still massaging
   Rachel]
 Phoebe: (Singing) 'Ipan Stripan, Glupi Glabi! ' And that is
   the Swedish National Anthem! Thank you for asking! (looks annoyed)
 Rachel: Wow, Ikea... what a rich culture. Uhm, you know what? I have
   a friend who is a masseuse.


Phoebe: Oh, Ja! Ja!
 Rachel: Yah! She's... uhm... not very good though... (Phoebe looks devastated)
 Phoebe: Uhu, uhu... and why do you think that is?
 Rachel: I don't know... maybe it's because she has got such callousy
   fingers from playing crummy guitar...
 Phoebe: Or... maybe she has trouble loosening your knots because you're
   such a high maintenance tight ass!
 Rachel: (now lifts her head) Phoebe!!
 Phoebe: You know it's me?
 Rachel: For like a half an hour! Man, you can lie about Sweden!
 Phoebe: How can you come here?
 Rachel: How could you not tell me you worked here?
 Phoebe: I don't have to tell you everything!
 Rachel: Yes you do, if you're going to make me feel guilty for getting
   a free massage!
 Phoebe: Tips not included.
 Rachel: Oh! Phoebe, why did you lie to me about working here?
 Phoebe: Because I was ashamed ok? I sold out for the cash! And then
   they give me benefits like medical, and dental, and a 401K. But you know...
   you pay a price. Now I'm this Corporate stooge and punching a clock and Ugh!
   paying taxes!
 Rachel: Phoebe, honey, if you hate it so much, you should walk out there
   right now and quit! Be true to what you believe in! Honey, you have principles
   and I so admire that! I don't have any!
 Phoebe: You know what? You are right. I am gonna quit. It's time
   I took my life back!
 Rachel: Good for you Pheebs!
 Phoebe: Ok.
 Phoebe: Okay (walks out and closes the door behind her, looks up and
   whispers) If you guys have microphones in there too, I didn't mean any
   of that. I love you.
 [Scene: Central Perk. Ross is playing some shoot'em up game on
   his laptop]
 Ross: Haha! Got ya! Die, die, die!
 (Charlie walks in.)
 Ross: (recovers his composure and starts typing) Respectfully, professor
   R. Geller. (hits <return>, closes the laptop and joins Charlie on the
   sofa) Hey!
 Charlie: Hi!
 Ross: Hey, how was the Met?
 Charlie: The museum was amazing!
 Ross: Yeah? Joey really knows his art, huh?
 Charlie: Not so much, no. He had clearly memorized all the stuff to
   say, and some of it didn't even make any sense.
 Ross: What do you mean?
 Charlie: Well, for one, he was talking about paintings that were nowhere
   around.
 Ross: (perplexed for a moment) Wait a minute... when you guys walked
   into the Met, did you go to the right?
 Charlie: No, we went to the left.
 Ross: (shaking head) Oh Joey, Joey! But still, I mean, it seems like
   you guys are having a great time together.
 Charlie: Yeah, it's fun (hesitating).
 Ross: What?
 Charlie: Actually, you know, Joey is your friend, and you don't really
   know me that well; it would be weird.
 Ross: What, I mean, a little, but no, what, go on.
 Charlie: Well... I'm just thinking that maybe he's not the right guy
   to be with right now, maybe I should be with someone... I have more in common
   with. You know what I mean?
 Ross: (slowly) Yeah. But you know what? I think you should give Joey
   a chance. I mean, he's a great guy, and sure he doesn't know that much about
   art but you know, you can always talk about that with someone else.
 Charlie: Yeah, I guess that's true.
 Ross: And if you think about it, I mean the reason he memorized all
   that stuff is because he thought it was important to you. You know, that's the
   kind of guy Joey is.
 Charlie: He is very sweet. Plus he's hot!
 Ross: That was going to be my next argument.
 (Joey walks in)
 Joey: Hey!
 Ross: Hey!
 Charlie: Hey!
 Joey: (to Charlie) You're ready?
 Charlie: Yeah, let's go. (stands up and kisses Joey) (to Ross) Thanks
   Ross.
 Joey: (aside, to Ross) Hey Ross! That art stuff worked, you hooked me
   up.
 Ross: Glad I could help man.
 Joey: Although some of that stuff wasn't where you said it was gonna
   be, but... (confidently) I made it work.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's. Chandler is sitting on the sofa,
   reading the newspaper.]
 Chandler: (picking up a plastic cup similar to the one he deposited
   his specimen in) It is not okay that I'm aroused by this now.
 (phone rings)
 Chandler: Hello? Oh hi, Doctor Connelly. (pause) No, she's not here
   but, you know, I can tell her. Should I be sitting down for this? (his smile
   fades as he hears the answer) Oh. (pause) Well, so what does that mean? (pause)
   Ok. Ok, thank you. Thanks. (hangs up)
 (Monica walks in)


 Friends - 922 - The one with the donor
 Friends
 922 - The one with the donor
 Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
  Directed by: Ben Weiss
  Transcribed by: Eleonora, Pheeboh, Sebastiano & Vanessa
 [Scene: Central Perk. Charlie, Joey and Rachel are on the couches]
 Charlie: (while Joey's giving her a massage) Oh! That feels sooo good!
 Rachel: (speaking to herself and reading Cosmopolitan) Oh, lucky me! Coffee and a live sex show!
 Charlie: I'm sorry, what?
 Rachel: Oh... Oh, I'm sorry! I'm not... I was just-I was just reading to Emma.
 Charlie: From... Cosmo??
 Rachel: Yeah, yeah... It's... 'climax your way to better skin'.
 Charlie: (to Joey) So, I have to go shopping today, which is my least favourite thing, I'm soo bad at picking out clothes!
 Joey: So you need someone who knows fashion, to tell you what looks good.
 Rachel: (hiding herself behind the magazine and whispering) Not me, not me, not me, not me, not me!
 Joey: Oh hey Rach!
 Rachel: Yeah...
 Joey: Maybe you could take Charlie shopping.
 Rachel: Oh, well...
 Charlie: I'm sure you have better things to do.
 Joey: Are you kidding? Rachel loves to shop! And she has great taste! Yeah, she's the one who taught me, you don't wear white after labour day and that you always, always, always have to put on underwear when you're trying on clothes.
 Charlie: If you have the time, I'd really appreciate the help.
 Rachel: Ok, uh-uh... Let's-Let's shop!!
 Joey: (to Charlie) Ok, you're gonna come back with some very classy clothes... (aside to Rachel)... and some slutty lingerie, SLUTTY!
 Phoebe: (entering and talking on mobile phone) Ok, great! All right, bye! (she hangs up) Pain in the ass!! (she looks at the others, then back at the phone) That's off, right?
 Joey: What's the matter, Pheebs?
 Phoebe: Oh... Mike's sister just invited me to a party tonight, he's gonna be there. And she was like 'Oh, don't worry! I asked him. He's totally ok with seeing you!'. So now I have to go so he'll think that I'm totally ok with seeing him!
 Rachel: Which you're not, because you've totally hung up on him!
 Phoebe: Exactly!
 Rachel: And you're gonna want him to eat his heart out so you're gonna have to look fabulous!
 Phoebe: (after a short pause) I didn't even think about that! (pause) Aaargh, sexual politics!!
 Rachel: Hey Pheebs, I'm-I'm taking Charlie shopping, why don't you come and I'll help you find something.
 Phoebe: Ok, that'll be great!
 Joey: Oh, ain't that nice? The three of you trying on slutty lingerie together.
 Rachel: That's not what we're gonna do!
 Joey: Why would you ruin it, who was that hurtin'?
 Opening credits[Scene: Doctor Connelly's office]
 Chandler: (looking at the picture of the female reproductive system) Wow! Fortunately she has a very pretty face!
 Monica: Oh, I so can't believe this! My uterus is an inhospitable environment? I was trying so hard to be a good hostess!
 Chandler: Oh, I can't believe my sperm have low motility because, let me tell you, when I was growing up they sure seem to be in a hurry to get places!!
 Doctor Connelly: (entering) Hi there.
 Chandler: Hi.
 Monica: Hi.
 Doctor Connelly: I'm sorry there wasn't better news from your test last week but I wanted to talk to you about your options.
 Monica: Ok.
 Doctor Connelly: Above all, even though your chances of conceiving through natural means aren't great, you never know! So, keep having sex on a regular basis.
 Chandler: Oh, DAMN IT!
 (Dr. Connelly glares at Chandler)
 Monica: Don't worry, after a while he'll tune it out.
 Doctor Connelly: Ok, given your situation, the options with the greatest chances for success would be surrogacy, or insemination using a sperm donor.
 Monica: (long pause) Ok.
 Doctor Connelly: And, of course, if you feel that neither of those is right for you, you can always adopt.
 Chandler: Is that a hint? Because we love you Doctor Connelly but we don't think we'd want you to be our child! (Dr. Connelly glares at him) Wow, talking about an inhospitable environment!
 [Scene: Central Perk. Joey and Charlie on the couch. Rachel enters]
 Rachel: Hi! Ok, you're ready to go pick up Phoebe and go shopping?
 Charlie: Oh, yeah! Let's do it!
 Joey: (to Charlie) Alright, have a good time. (they kiss)
 Rachel: Not gonna find any clothes in there!
 Ross: (entering) Hey, you guys!
 Rachel: Hi.
 Ross: Guess who's up for keynote speaker at the National Paleontology Conference?
 Charlie: Umh... Kurts Baley?
 Ross: Yeah, right! What was last time he met a submission deadline for an abstract (he and Charlie laugh, then Joey starts laughing too without any reason) Well, why are you laughing?
 Joey: Just... seeing what it'd be like to be a paleontologist... it's fun, yeah!
 Charlie: So you're up for keynote speaker! Who's making the decisions?
 Ross: Professor Sherman, yeah. I've a meeting with him today.
 Charlie: He's a pretty tough guy to impress.