Ross: What?
 Rachel: Are you serious?
 Monica: Yeah. The great thing about the jam plan was, I was taking control of my
 life. So I asked myself, what is the most important thing to me in the world and that's
 when I came up with the baby plan.
 Ross: Well, aren't you forgetin' something? What, what, what is uh, what is that
 guy's name? Dad!
 Monica: It took me 28 years to find one man that I wanna spend my life with, if
 I have to wait another 28 years then, I'll be 56 before I can have a baby, and that's just
 stupid.
 Chandler: That, that's what's stupid.
 Monica: I don't need an actual man, just a couple of his best swimmers. And
 there, there are places you can go to get that stuff.
 Rachel: Down at the docks again?
 [Scene: Chandler's bedroom, Janice and him are cuddling]
 Janice: Night-night Bing-a-ling.
 Chandler: Night-night.....Janice. (he starts thinking to him self) 'Look at
 all that room on her side, you good fit a giant penguin over there. That would be weird
 though. Okay, hug and roll time. I'm huggin', I'm huggin', your rollin', and....yes!
 Freedom! (his one arm is still under her) Except for this arm! I'm stuck. Stuck arm! Okay,
 time for the old table cloth trick, one fluid motion. Quick like a cat, quick like a cat!
 And 1...2...3!' (Pulls his arm out from under her and she is spun off of the bed.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Central Perk, Malcom is giving Phoebe all of his spy stuff]
 Malcom: Here's my binoculars.
 Phoebe: Oh, great. Great. You're doing great, you know real strong. Going
 strong. Keep going.
 Malcom: These are my night vision goggles. This is the book I pretend to read
 when I'm watching her in the park. And these are Mad Lips, they're just for fun.
 Phoebe: Oh, yeah. What's this? (picks up a book)
 Malcom: Oh, this is log I kept, recording her every movement. Do you wanna here
 something from it?
 Phoebe: Um, not even a little bit.
 Malcom: It's about you.
 Phoebe: Oh, okay then.
 Malcom: (reading) I met Phoebe today. She was really nice to me eventhough I'm
 such a loser. And, then when I was walking home I thought about her a lot, it was weird,
 but kinda cool.
 Phoebe: Good. So what were you thinking?
 Malcom: I was thinking what it would be like to kiss you.
 Phoebe: Really?
 Malcom: No.
 Phoebe: Oh.
 Malcom: See that's just something I said now, so that maybe I could kiss you.
 Phoebe: Oh, okay. (he kisses her)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is eating jam straight out of the jar, and Chandler
 is staring at him in amazement. Joey offers him some.]
 Chandler: No, that's all right. I just had a jar of mustard.
 Monica: (entering from her bedroom) Okay, sperm donor number 03815, come on
 down! Okay, he's 6'2', 170 pounds, and he describes himself as a male Geena Davis.
 Chandler: You mean there's more than one of us.
 Ross: Look, you can't do this Mon. All right, if you do this, I'm, I'm gonna,
 I'm, I'm gonna.....
 Monica: You're gonna what?
 Ross: I'm gonna tell Mom.
 Rachel: Honey, I'm sorry, but he's right. I love you, but you're crazy.
 Ross: Crazy.
 Monica: What?! Why? Why is this crazy? So this isn't the ideal way to
 something....
 Ross: (interrupting her) Oh, it's not the ideal way...
 Monica: Lips moving, still talking. I mean it may not be ideal, but I'm so
 ready. No, I-I-I see the way Ben looks at you. It makes me ache, you know?
 Joey: Check it out!! Jam crackers!
 Monica: Okay, all right, how's this? 27. Italian-American guy. He's an actor,
 born in Queens. Wow, big family, seven sisters, and he's the only....boy. (they all turn
 and look at Joey) Oh my God, under personal comments: 'New York Knicks, rule!'
 Joey: Yeah, the Knicks rule!
 Monica: Joey, this is you!
 Joey: Let me see. (goes over and looks at the form) Oh, right.
 Rachel: When did you go to a sperm bank?
 Joey: Well, right after I did that sex study down at NYU. (to Chandler) Hey,
 Remember that sweater I gave you for your birthday?
 Chandler: And that's how you bought it?
 Joey: Noooo, that's what I was wearing when I donated. I'm kinda surprised
 there's any of my boys left.
 Monica: Well, honey, it is pretty competitive. I mean I've got an actual rocket
 scientist here.
 Joey: Maybe, I should call this place and get them to put my 'Days of Our Lives'
 on here. You know, juice this puppy up a little.
 Phoebe: (entering) Hellooo!
 All: Hey.
 Ross: How's the maniac?
 Phoebe: Oh, well he's yummy. We did a little kissin'.
 Rachel: Phoebe, what are you doing?
 Phoebe: Oh, no, no, no, no. You know what, he's not into that stuff anymore. He
 quit for me.


Rachel: Pheebs, this guy has been obsessed with your sister, for God knows how
 long, okay, you don't just give up something like that.
 Phoebe: Look, he gave me his night vision goggles and everything.
 Ross: You're taking the word of a guy who has night vision goggles?
 Phoebe: What, he's not still following her. Do you think he is still following
 her?
 Chandler: Pheebs, wake up and smell the restraining order.
 Phoebe: What are you saying I should do?
 Monica: I think, that if you really like this guy, you should just trust him.
 Phoebe: Thank you, Monica.
 Joey: Orrr, you could follow him and see where he goes.
 Monica: Oh, that's what I would do, forget mine.
 [Scene: Central Perk]
 Rachel: Oh my God, what happened? (points to the cast on Janice's wrist)
 Janice: Oh. God, crazy Chandler. He spun me...off...the...bed!
 Rachel: Wow! Spinning that sounds like fun.
 Janice: Oh, (laughs) I wish. No, you know he was just trying Ross's Hug and Roll
 thing.
 Rachel: (turns around, not amused) Ross's what?
 Janice: You know what, where he hugs you and kinda rolls you away and... Oh...
 my....God.
 [Scene: Subway station, Phoebe is following Malcom by finding behind the pillars until
 she comes up to one with a wire mesh garbage can next to it. Malcom stops and starts
 walking the other way and passes Phoebe, who quick tries to hide behind the garbage can.
 But, Malcom sees her.]
 Malcom: Phoebe?
 Phoebe: Yes? Yes! Oh.
 Malcom: What are you doing?
 Phoebe: Oh, I was just here looking for, um, my um, my part of an old sandwich.
 Oh, here it is! Oh. (picks one up out of the garbage can.)
 Malcom: Were you following me?
 Phoebe: Um, perhaps. Yes! Yes, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I was just afraid that you
 were still hung up on my sister.
 Malcom: So you spied on me. I can't believe you don't trust me. (Ursula walks
 past, and Malcom finds behind the pillar)
 Phoebe: Oh well, what do you know, there goes my identical twin sister. Just
 walkin' along looking like me. What, is this just like a freakish coincidence, or did you
 know she takes this train?
 Malcom: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I tried to stop, but I couldn't. I'm so pathetic.
 Phoebe: No, no, it's not your fault. You know it's partly my fault, 'cause I
 made you quit cold turkey. Sorry, no. Okay, well, I mean, I can't date you anymore, 'cause
 your, you know (in a high pitched voice) Wow! But um, but I will definitely, definitely
 help you get over my sister. Okay, stalk me for a while. Huh? Yeah, and, and, and, I'll be
 like an Ursula patch.
 Malcom: Uh-huh, I don't know.
 Phoebe: Yeah, just, okay, look I'm going. Um, come on. Op, op, behind the
 pillar, which way am I gonna go?
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering]
 Joey: Hey.
 Monica: Hey.
 Joey: Where you going?
 Monica: To the bank.
 Joey: Sperm or regular?
 Monica: Sperm.
 Joey: So you're really doing this, huh?
 Monica: Oh yeah, picked a guy, 37135.
 Joey: Sounds nice.
 Monica: 'Fraid so. Brown hair, green eyes...
 Joey: No kiddin', hmm.
 Monica: What?
 Joey: No, I-I figured you would've picked a blond guy.
 Monica: Really? Why?
 Joey: I don't know, I just always pictured you ending up with one of those tall,
 smart blond guys, name like.... Hoyt.
 Monica: Hoyt?
 Joey: It's a name, yeah. I saw you, you know, in this great house with a big
 pool.
 Monica: Really, is he a swimmer?
 Joey: He's got the body for it.
 Monica: I like that. (Joey starts laughing) What?
 Joey: You guys have one of those signs that says: 'We don't swim in your toilet,
 so don't pee in our pool.', you know.
 Monica: We do not have one of those signs.
 Joey: Sure you do, it was a gift from me. Oh! And you have these three great
 kids.
 Monica: Two girls and a boy?
 Joey: Yeah!
 Monica: And, and, and they wear those little water wings, you know. And they're,
 they're running around on the deck. Then Hoyt wraps this big towel around all three of
 them.
 Joey: Sure! (Monica gets very depressed) But hey, you know this way sounds good
 too.
 Monica: Yeah.
 Joey: Oh Monica. (goes over and hugs her, then looks at the form and stops
 hugging her.) Wow, this guy's an astronaut. That would've been cool, (sees Monica) for
 like a day. (hugs her again).
 Closing Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is finishing off the last of the jam]
 Joey: I called the sperm bank today, they haven't sold a single unit of
 Tribianni. Nobody wants my product. I mean, I-I-I don't get it (tries to drink the rest of
 the jam out of the jar and gets it all over his face, on his chin, nose, etc.) Maybe if
 they met me in person.


 The One With The Metaphorical Tunnel
 The One With The Metaphorical Tunnel
 Written by: Alexa Junge
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's: everyone is there and they are watching an
 info-mercial that stars Joey.]
 Host: Welcome everybody, welcome to Amazing Discoveries!
 Phoebe: Oh, oh! It's on again!
 Joey: You guys, can we please not watch this all right.
 All: Shhhh!
 Host: Folks, has this ever happened to you. You go to the refrigerator to get
 a nice glass of milk, (Joey is in the background struggling to open a cartoon of milk) and
 these darn cartons are so flingin'-flangin' hard to open.
 Joey: (on tv) Oh, you said it Mike. (rips open the carton and spills milk on the
 counter) Aw! There's got to be a better way!
 Mike: And there is Kevin.
 Joey: Can we please turn this off?
 Rachel: Noo way, Kevin.
 Mike: There is a revolutionary new product that guarantees that you'll never
 have to open up milk cartons again. Meet the Milk Master 2000.
 Ross: (to Chandler) Are you intrigued?
 Chandler: You're flingin'-flangin' right I am!
 Mike: Keep in mind, he's never used this product before, you're gonna see how
 easy this is to do. (to Kevin) Go ahead. ('Kevin' starts using the product, it is a spout
 that you jab into a paper milk carton so that you don't have to rip it open.) This works
 with any milk carton.
 Joey: (on TV, finishing installing the Milk Master 2000) Wow, it is easy.
 (starts to poor the milk) Now, I can have milk everyday.
 (They all start laughing at him)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, Janice are sitting on the couch, and Phoebe is
 sitting next to them in the chair.]
 Chandler: Well, it's official there are no good movies.
 Janice: Well, let's go to a bad one and make out. (they start to kiss and lean
 back into Monica.)
 Monica: Perhaps, you would like me to turn like this, (turns sideways on the
 couch) so that you can bunny bump against my back.
 Joey: (entering) Hey!
 Phoebe: Hey.
 Chandler: Hey, man. What's up?
 Joey: Maybe you can tell me. My agent would like to know why I didn't show up at
 the audition I didn't know I had today. The first good thing she gets me in weeks. How
 could you not give me the message?!
 Chandler: Well, I'll tell ya I do enjoy guilt, but, ah, it wasn't me.
 Phoebe: Yes, it was! It was him! Uh huh! (they all stare at her) Okay, it was
 me!
 Joey: How is it you?
 Phoebe: Well, it was just, it was all so crazy, you know. I mean, Chandler was
 in the closet, counting to 10, and he was up to 7 and I hadn't found a place to hide yet.
 I-I-I meant to tell you, and I wrote it all down on my hand. See, all of it. (shows him
 her hand)
 Joey: Yep, that's my audition.
 Monica: See, now this is why I keep notepads everywhere.
 Phoebe: Yep, and that's why we don't invite you to play.
 Janice: What is the great tragedy here? You go get yourself another appointment.
 Joey: Well, Estelle tried, you know. The casting director told her that I missed
 my chance.
 Phoebe: That is unfair. I'll call her and tell her it was totally my fault.
 Joey: Pheebs, you can't do that. The casting director doesn't talk to friends,
 she only talks to agents.
 Phoebe: What a sad little life she must lead. Okay, ooh (starts dialing).
 Joey: What, what are you doing? What are you doing?
 Phoebe: No, no, no, I know, I know, ooh. (on the phone in a different voice)
 'Hi, this is Katelynn, from Phoebe Buffay's office. Um, is um, Ann there for Phoebe,
 she'll know what it's about.'
 Joey: Hang up, hang up. (reaches with his good arm, but Phoebe grabs it and he
 tries to reach the phone with his other arm but can't because of the sling.)
 Phoebe: (on phone) 'Annie! Hi. Listen we got a problem with Joey Tribbiani,
 apparently he missed his audition. Who did you speak to in my office? Estelle, no, I don't
 know what I'm going to do with her. No. All right, so your husband leaves and burns down
 the apartment, the world does not stop.'
 Chandler: Is anybody else scared?
 Phoebe: (on phone) 'Right, well look, um, if Joey loses this audition, that is
 it for Estelle. I don't care! Annie you are a doll, what time can you see him?' (to
 Monica) I need a pen. (Chandler hands her one, but she needs something to right on, so she
 tilts Chandler's head over and writes on the back of his neck)
 Chandler: Get the woman a pad! Get the woman a pad! A pad! A pad!
 Monica: Oh, now you want a pad.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are dropping off Ben]
 Carol and Susan: (entering) Hey!!


Ross: There's my boy! Here's my boy! And here's his Barbi (Ben is holding a
 Barbi doll) What's ah, what's my boy doing with a Barbi?
 Carol: He picked it out of the toy store himself, he loves it.
 Susan: He carries it everywhere, it's like a security blanket, but with ski
 boots and a kicky beret.
 Ross: Yeah, it's, it's, it's cute. Why, why, why does he have it, again?
 Susan: So he's got a doll? So what? Unless you're afraid he's gonna grow up and
 be in show business.
 Carol: This doesn't have anything to do with the fact that he is being raised by
 two women, does it?
 Ross: You know what it's fine. If you're okay with the Barbi thing, so
 am I.
 (cut to later in the day)
 Ross: Give daddy the Barbi! Ben, give, give me the Barbi.
 Okay, how 'bout, don't you want to play with the monster truck? (makes a monster truck
 sound) No. Okay, oh, oh, how about a Dino-soilder? (squawks like a dinosaur)
 Rachel: Ross, you are so pathetic. Why can't your son just play with his doll?
 (uses the Milk Master 2000 to pour milk into her cereal)
 Monica: (entering from her bedroom) I gotta go to work. Has anybody seen my left
 boob?
 Joey: I love that movie. (Joey is using it as a pillow)
 Monica: There it is. Joey, what are you doing?
 Joey: I'm sorry, it just felt nice.
 Chandler: (entering with his ringing phone) Joe. Joe! Answer the phone.
 Joey: Hey, I only got one good arm, you know. You should be doing stuff for me.
 Go get me a sweater.
 Chandler: Just do it! Okay, it's Janice and if I get it I'm going to have to see
 her tonight. (phone stops ringing) Oh, that's great I'm gonna have to see her tonight.
 Rachel: What's the big deal? Why don't you wanna see Janice?
 Chandler: Okay, last night at dinner, when the meals came, she put half her
 chicken piccata on my plate and took my tomatoes.
 Ross: And that's bad because..., you hate chicken piccata?
 Chandler: Noo.
 Ross: You didn't want to share your tomatoes, tomatoes are very important to
 you.
 Chandler: No, it's like all of the sudden, we were this couple. And this alarm
 started going off in my head: 'Run for your life! Get out of the building!'
 Rachel: Men are unbelievable.
 Monica: What is it with you people! I mean, the minute you start to feel
 something, you have to run away?
 Chandler: I know, that, (looks at her fake chest, and loses his train of
 thought, temporarily) that's why I don't want to go tonight, I'm afraid I'm going to say
 something stupid.
 Monica: Oh, you mean like that guy thing where you act mean and distant until
 you get us to break up with you.
 Joey: Hey, you know about that?!
 Chandler: Look what do I do? I wanna get past this, I don't wanna be afraid of
 the commitment thing. I wanna go through the tunnel, to the other side!
 (Joey looks quizzically at Ross)
 Ross: (to Joey) Where there is no fear of commitment.
 Chandler: Do we have any...(turns around and bumps Monica's fake chest) Do we
 have any thoughts here?
 Joey: Well, I've never been through the tunnel myself, 'cause as I understand
 it, you're not allowed to go through with more than one girl in the car, right. But, it
 seems to me it's pretty much like anything else, you know, face your fear. It have a fear
 of heights, you go to the top of the building! If you're afraid of bugs.....get a bug.
 Right. In this case, you have a fear of commitment, so I say you go in there and be the
 most committed guy there ever was.
 Rachel: Amazingly, that makes sense.
 Chandler: You think?
 Joey: Oh, yeah. Go for it man, jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of
 the gun, pee into the wind!
 Chandler: Yeah, Joe, I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm
 pretty much peeing every which way.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe's beeper is going off]
 Phoebe: Oh, it's your audition from this morning. Can I use the phone again?
 Rachel: Sure Pheebs, you know, that's what it's there for, emergencies and
 pretend agents.
 Joey: Come on baby, come on!
 Phoebe: (on phone, in 'Katelynn's' voice) 'Hi, I have Phoebe Buffay returning a
 page. Okay, well, um, she's in her car I'll have to patch you through.'
 Rachel: Very nice touch.
 Phoebe: (in voice, on phone) 'Okay, go ahead.' (in normal voice on phone) Um, hi
 Annie. (listens) Fantastic! (to Joey) You got it. (on phone) Oh, okay, um, 'Will he work
 for scale?' you ask me. Well, I don't know about that, (Joey clears his throat to signify
 yes) except that I do and he will. Great, oh you are such a sweetheart. I would love to
 have lunch with you, how about we have lunch next....(hangs up phone) Op, went through a
 tunnel.


Rachel: Unbelievable.
 Joey: Thank you so much.
 Phoebe: It was really fun, I mean I've never talked on a car phone before.
 Joey: You were amazing, could you just do me this huge favor, you see there's
 this one other audition that I really, really want, and Estelle couldn't get me in.
 Phoebe: Oh, I don't know. I mean it was fun one time.
 Joey: Come on, please, it'll be just this one more, well actually it's two.
 Phoebe: Two?
 Joey: Yeah! Well, well really it's three. Please. You're so good at it. I love
 you.
 Phoebe: Okay, I'll do it, but just these three, right
 Joey: Nooo, four.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Janice are having dinner]
 Janice: So, how come you wanted to eat in tonight?
 Chandler: 'Cause, I wanted to uh, give you this. (hands her a present)
 Janice: Ohhh, are you a puppy! (opens it) Contact paper! I never really know
 what to say when someone you're sleeping with gives you contact paper.
 Chandler: Well, wait there's, there's more. See the contact paper is to go into
 your brand new drawer. (gives her a drawer) See, the drawer actually goes in my dresser.
 Janice: Oh, you didn't have to do this.
 Chandler: Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Because, you're my girlfriend, and that's what
 girlfriends should, should get.
 Janice: Well, I gotta buy a vowel. Because, oh my Gawd! Who, would've thought
 that someday, Chandler Bing would buy me a drawer.
 Chandler: Well, not me. But that's what's happened, and, ah, and, and there's
 more. We should take a trip.
 Janice: We should?
 Chandler: Yep, we're a couple and that's what couples do. And, I wanna meet your
 parents. We should take a trip with your parents!
 Janice: (laughs) I don't think we need to, because you're tripping me out right
 now! Are you okay?
 Chandler: I am, I actually am. I mean this is amazing. My entire life I have
 feared this place, and now that I'm here it's like what was the big deal. I could probably
 say 'Let's move in together.' and I'd be okay.
 Janice: You probably want us to move in together?
 Chandler: It doesn't scare me!
 Janice: Yeah, well, it scares me! I mean I not even divorced yet, Chandler. You
 know, you just invited me over here for pasta, and all of the sudden you're talking about
 moving in together. And, and I wasn't even that hungry. You know what, it's getting a
 little late, and I-I should just, um...(starts to leave)
 Chandler: Oh, no, no, no, don't go! I've scared ya'! I've said too much! I'm
 hopeless, and awkward, and desperate for love!! (Janice leaves, Chandler then calls Janice
 to leave a message on her machine) Hey, Janice! It's me. Um, yeah, I-I-I just wanna
 apologize in advance for having chased you down the street. (runs out the door)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are comforting Chandler]
 Rachel: Honey, this will help. (hands him a tub of ice cream)
 Chandler: So, I finally catch up to her and she says this relationship is going
 to fast and we have to slow down.
 Rachel and Monica: Uff.
 Monica: That is never good.
 Chandler: Then I got all needy and clingy.
 Rachel: Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Maybe it's not so
 bad. How did you leave it?
 Chandler: She said she'd call me.
 Rachel and Monica: Ohh! (both grab there stomachs in pain)
 Chandler: Oh God.
 Monica: Welcome to our side of the tunnel.
 Chandler: This ice cream tastes like crap by the way.
 Rachel: Yeah, well that's that lo-cal, non dairy, soy milk junk. We sort of, we
 save the real stuff for those really terminal cases.
 Monica: You know, when you start get screwed over all the time, you gotta switch
 to low-fat.
 Rachel: Yeah, you do.
 Chandler: So, you don't think I'm terminal?
 Monica: Well, no, not at all, you're not terminal, you just, you just need some
 damage control.
 Chandler: Okay, okay. So, should I call her?
 Rachel and Monica: Nooo!
 Rachel: This is a very critical time right now. If you feel yourself reaching
 for that phone, then you go shoe shopping, you get your butt in a bubble bath. You want
 her back you have to start acting aloof.
 Monica: She has to know that your not ready.
 Rachel: Right. So, what you have to do is, you have to accidentally run into her
 on purpose. And then act aloof.
 Chandler: So I'm not, not gonna lose her?
 Rachel: Oooh, honey, you're not a total loser.
 Chandler: I said, 'So I'm not gonna lose her?'
 Rachel: Oh.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is still trying to get Ben to play with something
 other than the Barbi doll.]
 Ross: Guess who's here. It's the toughest guy in toy land, Ben. (singing) 'A
 real American hero. I'm G.I. Joe!' Drop the Barbi, drop the Barbi.


Rachel: G.I. Joe? Do you really think he's gonna fall for that?
 Joey: (entering) G. I. Joe! Cool! Can I play?
 Ross: Look Ben, it's a toy that protects U.S. oil interests overseas!
 Joey and Ross: Go Joe!!!
 Phoebe: (entering) Helloo! Oh! (sees Joey and starts to leave)
 Joey: Pheebs! There you are!
 Phoebe: No it's not, sorry.
 Joey: But Phoebe, wait! Wait! Phoebe. Phoebe! (catches her in the hallway)
 Phoebe: Oh, Joey! Oh, okay, see I didn't recognize you wearing, in
 those....pants.
 Joey: Look listen, that TV movie I went in for? Did you hear anything? I think I
 got a shot at it.
 Phoebe: Yes! They called and you didn't get it! Okay, I mean you didn't get it,
 I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
 Joey: It's okay, these things happen.
 Phoebe: But they shouldn't happen, you know what, you're, you're in a terrible,
 terrible business. Oh God, I don't wanna be the person who makes your face look like that.
 Joey: I'm, I'm okay. See. (tries to smile, but fails horribly)
 Phoebe: Oh, now you're sad and creepy, oh. You know what, I, I'm sorry I quit,
 okay, I just quit.
 Joey: No! No, no you can't quit! You're the best agent I ever had! Look Pheebs,
 rejection is part being an actor, you can't take it personally.
 Phoebe: Not personal, really, well they said that they never met an Italian
 actor with a worse Italian accent.
 Joey: They actually said that?
 Phoebe: Yeah. Ooh God, there's that face again! See I can't do this job! I...
 Joey: No, no, no, see that's why you have to do this job, agents always lie. You
 know, Estelle just says stuff like 'They went another way', but this, I can use this. (in
 a very bad Italian accent) I canna work on a new accent.
 Phoebe: Yeah okay, no if it helps you okay. Yeah.
 Ross: (running into the hall, in slow motion) You'll never get me, Joe!!! (he
 then pretends that he gets shot repeatedly and falls back against Joey and Chandler's
 door, dead.)
 [Scene: A grocery store that Janice shops in. Chandler is on purpose, accidentally
 bumping into her.]
 Janice: (to butcher) No, thank you. (Chandler makes a sound and she notices him)
 Chandler!
 Chandler: (in a British accent) Hello, Janice.
 Janice: What are you doing here?
 Chandler: (in accent) Oh, just a bit of shopping. How've you been?
 Janice: Are you being British?!
 Chandler: (normal voice) No. Not anymore.
 Janice: Why are you shopping here? You don't live in this neighborhood. Were you
 here waiting for me?
 Chandler: Yeah, huh. I'm just uh, you know I'm just picking up some things for a
 party. (grabs a bag off of the shelf)
 Janice: Barley? What kind of party serves barley?
 Chandler: Well, I'm sorry if my friends aren't as sophisticated as yours.
 Janice: Where is this party?
 Chandler: Here in Chelsea.
 Janice: Who's party is it?
 Chandler: A woman's
 Janice: What woman?!
 Chandler: (shyly) Chelsea.
 Janice: Okay, you know, one of two things is happening here. Either you're
 seeing somebody behind my back, which would make you the biggest jerk on the planet. Or,
 else you're pretending that you're seeing somebody, which just makes you so pathetic that
 I could start crying right here in the cereal aisle. So like which of these two guys do
 you want to be? (another guy walks by)
 Chandler: Can I be that guy?
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Phoebe are there]
 Phoebe: Okay, so we got some more good rejections, lots of stuff to work on.
 Joey: Okay, shoot.
 Phoebe: Okay, um, oh, the zoo commercial.
 Joey: I didn't get it?
 Phoebe: No. They said you 'Weren't believable as a human being.' So, you can
 work on that.
 Joey: Okay, what else?
 Phoebe: Um, the off-Broadway play people said 'You were pretty but dumb.'
 Joey: Oh.
 Phoebe: Oh no wait, I'm sorry, that's 'pretty dumb.'
 Joey: Look, it's okay, no, no, no, really, look um, I really appreciate this
 Pheebs, but I think I'm gonna have to go back to Estelle.
 Phoebe: Oh.
 Joey: Yeah, well don't get me wrong, you're a better agent than she is, but at
 least with her I don't want to blow my pretty dumb brains out.
 Phoebe: Yeah, no, I understand.
 Joey: You do, thanks.
 Phoebe: Yeah. Sorry. (she starts to leave)
 Joey: Wait a minute.
 Phoebe: What?
 Joey: Wait a minute, did you just make up all that stuff just to get out of
 being my agent.
 Phoebe: (in a coy tone) Oh, you caught me. I am so busted.
 Joey: (in a really, really bad Italian accent) That's-ah what I suspected-ah.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is laying on the counter and Rachel and Monica
 are comforting him again.]
 Chandler: ....And then I just, you know, threw the bag of barley at her, and ran
 out of the store.


 The One With Frank Jr.
 The One With Frank Jr.
 Written by: Scott Silveri & Shana Goldnerg-Meehan.
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, there is lumber all over the apartment]
 Chandler: (entering) Hey!
 Joey: Hey!
 Chandler: Hey-hey-hey. So what happened? A forest tick you off?
 Joey: No. Y'know how we're always saying we need a place for the mail.
 Chandler: Yeah!
 Joey: Well, I started building one. But then I decided to take it to the next
 step.
 Chandler: You're building a post office?
 Joey: No, an entertainment unit, with a mail cubby built right in. It's a
 one day job, max.
 Chandler: Okay. (notices that Joey is wearing some really tight jeans) My word!
 Those are snug.
 Joey: Oh yeah. These are my old work pants, Sergio Valente's.
 (Chandler goes to his bedroom and opens the door. However, only the top half opens, and
 he trips into his bedroom over the bottom half.)
 Joey: Power saw kinda got away from me there.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is pacing back and forth waiting for someone.]
 Rachel: (joining Phoebe outside) Hey Pheebs.
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Rachel: Any sign of your brother?
 Phoebe: No, but he's always late.
 Rachel: I thought you only met him once?
 Phoebe: Yeah, I did. I think it sounds y'know big sistery, y'know,
  Frank's always late.'
 Rachel: Well relax, he'll be here.
 Phoebe: No, I know, I'm just nervous. Y'know it's just y'know
 Mom's dead, don't talk to my sister, Grandma's been sleeping a lot lately.
 It's like the last desperate chance to have a family, y'know, kinda thing.
 You're so sweet to wait with me.
 Rachel: Well, actually Gunther sent me. You're not allowed to have cups out
 here, it's a thing. (takes her cup and goes back inside)
 [Scene: inside Central Perk]
 Chandler: Does anyone else think David Copperfield is cute?
 Monica: No, but he told me, he thinks your a fox.
 Chandler: All right, Janice, likes him. In fact she likes him so much she put
 him on her freebie list.
 Joey: Her what?
 Chandler: Well, we have a deal, where we each get to pick five celebrities that
 we can sleep with, and the other one can't get mad.
 Ross: Ah, the heart of every healthy relationship. Honesty, respect, and sex
 with celebrities.
 Monica: So, Chandler, who's on your list?
 Chandler: Ah, Kim Basinger, Cindy Crawford, Halle Berry, Yasmine Bleeth, and ah,
 Jessica Rabbit.
 Rachel: Now, you do realize that she's a cartoon, and way out of your
 league?
 Chandler: I know, I know, I just always wondered if I could get her eyes to pop
 out of her head.
 Joey: Hey, Monica, who would yours be?
 Monica: First, I need a boyfriend, then I can have a list.
 Joey: It's just a game Mon. (makes a  Can-you-believe-her' face
 to the rest of the gang.) Rach, how about you?
 Rachel: Oh, I don't know, I guess, Chris O'Donnel, John F. Kennedy,
 Jr., Daniel Day Lewis, Sting, and Parker Stevenson.
 Ross: Spiderman?
 Rachel: Hardy Boy.
 Chandler: Peter Parker.
 Ross: Thank you.
 Rachel: What about you honey, who would be on your list?
 Ross: Well I-I-I, that kind of thing requires some serious thought. First,
 I'll divide my perspective canidates into catergories....
 Chandler: (coughing) What a geek!
 Phoebe: (entering) Everbody this is Frank! This is my half-brother Frank.
 All: Oh, hi.
 Phoebe: This is everybody. This is Ross.
 Frank: How are you?
 Ross: Hey.
 Phoebe: Chandler.
 Chandler: Hi.
 Frank: Hi.
 Phoebe: Joey.
 Joey: Hey-hey!
 Frank: Hey.
 Phoebe: This is Monica.
 Frank: Whoa!
 Phoebe: And this is Rachel.
 Rachel: Hi!
 Frank: Whoa!!
 Phoebe: I'm gonna get coffee.
 Frank: Hey, how do you guys get anything done?
 Chandler: We don't, really.
 Rachel: Well, so, now, do you guys have a lot of big plans?
 Phoebe: Oh yeah! Yeah, no, we're gonna connect, y'know bond, and
 everything.
 Frank: Yeah, I was thinking that maybe we could go down to Time Square and pick
 up some ninja stars. And, oh, um, my friend Larry, he wants me to take a picture of a
 hooker.
 Chandler: You know, we don't really take advantage of living in the city.
 Joey: I know.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is drilling a hole in the wall and the drill
 comes out the other side really close to Chandler's head. Chandler then rushes out to
 talk to Joey.]
 Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I get  ya?
 Chandler: No, you didn't get me!! It's an electric drill, you get
 me, you kill me!!
 Joey: Calm down, do you want this unit or not?
 Chandler: I do NOT want this unit!!
 Joey: Well, you should've told me that before, I'm not a mind reader.
 Hey, we're out of beer. I'm going to Monica's.


Chandler: Fine! (goes into his room and slams the door, then he slams the bottom
 half of the door.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering]
 Monica: Hey! Where  ya headin' in those pants? 1982?
 Joey: Oh Monica, listen, I ah, I saw down at the hardware store, they got those
 designer tiles on sale. If you ever want to redo the bathroom floor.
 Monica: Why, what's wrong with my bathroom floor?
 Joey: Nothing. It's just old and dingy, that's all.
 Monica: I highly doubt that. (they both go to the bathroom)
 Joey: Oh yeah. If you ah, move your hamper, you see what color the tile used to
 be. (Monica gasps) Yeah.
 Monica: I can't live like this! What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?
 Joey: Relax. Here hold this (hands her his beer). This old stuff just comes
 right off. (he bends down to try and lift some tile right in the middle of the floor, in
 his tight pants.)
 Monica: That's a little more than I wanted to see.
 Joey: (manages to pry off only a small piece) Aw! Look at that, every inch of
 this stuff is glued down. It'd take forever to pry this up. You should ah, you should
 just leave it. (starts to walk away, but Monica grabs him)
 Monica: I can't leave it! You gouged a hole in my dingy floor.
 (Joey places the toliet brush and holder over the hole, which is in the middle of the
 floor.)
 Joey: Eh! There you go.
 Monica: You know that's nice, y'know we could put it back there after the
 surgeons remove it from your colon!
 [Scene: Phoebe's, Frank and her, are sitting on the counh, watching TV]
 Phoebe: (sits up) Oh, ew!
 Frank: What?
 Phoebe: Yeah I know what I wanted to ask you. Um, can you roll your tongue?
 Because I can, and my Mom couldn't, and I thought y'know, I figured that was
 something I got from our Dad.
 Frank: What, wait, you mean like this? (does it)
 Phoebe: Yeah, yeah. You can do it to. (tries to do it, but can't)
 Frank: Your not doing it.
 Phoebe: Oh right, yeah okay, my Mom could, and I can't. We don't have
 that....
 Frank: When's your birthday?
 Phoebe: Feburary 16th.
 Frank: I know a guy who's the 18th.
 Phoebe: Wow, that's close. When's yours?
 Frank: October 25th.
 Phoebe: That's the same month as Halloween. So, um, what kinda
 things do you like to do at home?
 Frank: Melt stuff.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is working on his list]
 Ross: Okay, I've got three of my five.
 Rachel: Three of your five, what?
 Ross: Celebrities I'm allowed to sleep with.
 Rachel: Oh my God! You are giving this a lot of thought.
 Ross: Yeah, it's hard okay, I only have two spots left.
 Chandler: All right, so who do you got it narrowed down to?
 Ross: Okay, Elizabeth Hurely....
 Chandler: Oooh-hoo, very attractive, forgiving.
 Ross: Susan Sarandon.
 Chandler: Eh, y'know what, she's to political, she probably wouldn't
 let you do it, unless you donated four cans of food first.
 Ross: And!! Isabella Rosselini.
 Chandler: Ooh-hoo. Very hot, very sexy. But ah, y'know she's too
 international, y'know she's never gonna be around.
 Rachel: So?
 Chandler: So, you gotta play the odds, pick somebody who's gonna be in the
 country like all the time.
 Rachel: Yeah,  cause that's why you won't get Isabella Rosselini,
 geography.
 [Scene: Phoebe's, Frank is melting a plastic spoon.]
 Phoebe: Okay so, by melting, you meant melting.
 Frank: Yeah.
 Phoebe: So is it like art?
 Frank: Yeah, you can melt art. Hey, can I use your phone?
 Phoebe: Um, yeah sure. Why you wanna call your Mom?
 Frank: No, I wanna melt it.
 Phoebe: Oh, well um, not right now. Y'know I'm just gonna go to bed, I
 think the fumes are giving me a headache.
 Frank: (starts laughing) Yeah!
 Phoebe: G'night, bro.
 Frank: G'night.
 Phoebe: Here. (gives him a fire extinguisher) Y'know, just in case.
 Frank: Oh, excellent. (starts to melt the fire extinguisher's hose.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is eating breakfast with Monica while Frank is
 playing with num-chucks on the balcony]
 Monica: What kind of karate is that?
 Phoebe: No kind. He just makes it up.
 Monica: So how's it going with you guys?
 Phoebe: So far, it kinda blows. I don't know, I just thought y'know that
 he'd feel more like a brother y'know, like you and Ross, just like close and
 connected and....
 Monica: Oh honey, we're close now but you-you wouldn't believe the
 years of-of nugies, and wedgies, and flying wedgies, and atomic wedgies, and....(Phoebe
 shakes her head like she doesn't understand) That's where the waistband actually
 goes over your head.
 Phoebe: Ah!!
 Monica: Oh, we used to drive each other crazy playing the shadow game.


Phoebe: Oh, how do you play the shadow game?
 Monica: Oh, how do you play the shadow game?
 Phoebe: I just asked you.
 Monica: I just asked you.
 Phoebe: I don't have time for this.
 Monica: No, that is what the game is.
 Phoebe: Which you just gave up really quickly.
 Chandler: (entering) Have you seen Joey?
 Monica: What's the matter?
 Chandler: Oh, just this! (turns around and has a paint lid stuck to the back of
 his pants.) Y'know what it's my fault really, because the couch is usually where
 we keep the varnish.
 Joey: (yelling from bathroom) Hey, does somebody wanna hand me one of those
 tiles.
 Chandler: What's going on?
 Monica: He's retiling my floor. (they both run to the bathroom)
 Chandler: Yo!! Spackel boy! Get up!
 Monica: Ah-ah-ah, now you started this, you will finish it.
 Chandler: He started mine first!
 Phoebe: Build the unit Cinderelly, lay the tile Cinderelly.
 [Scene: Phoebe's, Phoebe and Frank are watching TV.]
 Frank: Whoa! Big octopus.
 Phoebe: Yeah. (phone rings and Phoebe answers it)  Hello. (listens) Oh my
 God, I totally forgot! (listens) Well can't someone else do it. (listens) But, I have
 company. (listens) Yeah, no look, that's all right I'll come in.' (hangs up
 phone) Um, Frank, I'm really sorry but I have to go to work. It's-it's one
 of my regulars and he's insisting that I do  um.
 Frank: Hey, what kind of work do you do?
 Phoebe: Oh! I'm a masseuse. I give people massages and stuff.
 Frank: You-you work at one of those massage parlors?
 Phoebe: Well, y'know we don't call it that, but yeah!
 Frank: (starts laughing) Wow! That's wild! No, I had no idea.
 Phoebe: All righty. I'll be back in-in a little bit. Unless you wanna come
 with me?
 Frank: You mean like watch?
 Phoebe: No, no, you can get one yourself. It'll be on the house! Y'know
 what are big sisters for?
 Frank: Well, I don't think this, y'know.
 Phoebe: No, no, no, I wouldn't do you myself, I mean that would be weird.
 Yeah, no, I'll get one of the other girls to do it. Oh, this will be so much fun!
 Hey! Are you excited?
 Frank: Yeah! Hey, do Monica and Rachel work there?
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's bathroom, Joey and Monica are admiring the new floor.]
 Monica: It's beautiful! It's like the first bathroom floor there ever
 was. (Chandler tries to go to the bathroom) Whoa! Are you going in there for?
 Chandler: What, like a number?
 Ross: (entering) Hey!
 Chandler: Hi! Bye! (runs to the bathroom)
 Ross: Okay, I'm done with my choices, these are final. (holds up a little
 card)
 Rachel: Well, it's about time.
 Joey: Ooh, very official.
 Ross: Oh, yeah, well y'know Chandler printed it up on his computer.
 Monica: And who laminated it?
 Ross: That would be me.
 Rachel: All right let me see. (grabs the card) Uma Thurman, Winona Ryder,
 Elizabeth Hurely, Michelle Pfieffer, and Dorothy Hammel?
 Ross: Hey, it's my list.
 Rachel: Okay honey, you do realize she only spins like that on ice.
 [Scene: Healing Hands Inc. (Phoebe's work), Frank is being ushered in, by the arm,
 to the room Phoebe is in by another girl.]
 Frank: Ow!-Ow!-Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Y'know, ow!
 Phoebe: Hey!-Hey! What's going on?
 Frank: She broke my arm.
 Girl: He touched my fanny.
 Frank: No, she touched mine first!
 Girl: That's my job!
 Frank: So wait, what's the deal here, I can have sex with you, but I
 can't touch you?
 Phoebe and Girl: Ewww!!!
 Phoebe: You can't have sex with her!
 Girl: What'd you think I was, a hooker?
 Frank: No, your a masseuse, it's cool, I'm not a cop.
 Phoebe: Okay, Jasmine, can you, can you ask Mr. Whiffler if he can wait for like
 five minutes.
 Jasmine: Fine. (starts to leave, and points at Frank) I don't like you!!
 (leaves)
 Phoebe: (turns around and hits Frank) So that's what you thought I did!!
 God! That's not what I do!
 Frank: Wait that's-that's, what that's not what you do?
 Phoebe: Nooo! Why would you think that?
 Frank: I don't know, I mean, y'know, this is the city y'know, I just, I
 mean, I don't know.
 Phoebe: Whatever, it's the perfect end to the perfect weekend anyways.
 Frank: Oh, wait, no your right, no it was perfect and I can't believe that
 I screwed it up so bad.
 Phoebe: You really thought it was perfect?
 Frank: Well, no, maybe-maybe it wasn't perfect, but y'know it was pretty
 cool, y'know,  cause we had all those great talks y'know.
 Phoebe: Yeah, um, which ones in particular were great for you?
 Frank: Well y'know about the tongue thing, y'know, and how I told you about my
 likes and my dislikes...
 Phoebe: I don't....
 Frank: How-how I like to melt stuff, and how I dislike stuff that doesn't
 melt.


Phoebe: Right, okay, um-mm.
 Frank: Yeah, y'know I feel like I can really talk to you  cause y'know
 you're my sister, y'know.
 Phoebe: Yeah, I guess I do, yeah.
 Frank: Then I go feel your friend up and make you mad at me.
 Phoebe: Well, I-I wasn't hopping mad, y'know.
 Frank: You hopped a little bit. Yeah, I really sorry.
 Phoebe: Okay. All right, this is my favourite part of the weekend, right now,
 this.
 Frank: This?
 Phoebe: Uh-huh.
 Frank: Oh come on we went, we went to Time Square, we found ninja stars, I
 almost got arm broken by a hooker...
 Phoebe: She wasn't a hooker.
 Frank: Well, when I tell my friends about her she will be.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, everyone is there, helping to lift the entertainment
 center into place]
 Chandler: Okay, on three. One....Two....
 Joey: Why don't we just go on two.
 Chandler: Why two?
 Joey: Because it's faster.
 Chandler: Yeah, I coulda counted to three like four times without all this
  two' talk.
 Rachel: Oh!
 Joey: All right, but in the future...
 Ross: Okay!! Okay!!
 Rachel: Come on!
 Ross: Heavy thing, not getting lighter!
 Chandler: Okay, one...two...
 Joey: So we are going on two?
 All: All right!! (they lift it into place, however there is one small problem,
 the unit is so long that it blocks some of both of their bedroom doors.)
 Chandler: Oh, good job Joe.
 Joey: Wow, it's big!
 Chandler: Yeah-yeah, so big that it actually makes our doors look smaller!
 Joey: Maybe, my ruler's wrong.
 Phoebe: Maybe all the rulers are wrong.
 Joey: Look it's not that bad. So what, it blocks a little of your door, a
 little of my door.
 Chandler: Yeah, y'know what I got a better idea. How-how  bout it blocks
 none of mine door and a lot of yours? (throws his shoulder into the center to try and move
 it, but it doesn't move.)
 Joey: Yeah, listen, before I forget that side is still wet.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving some guy coffee.]
 Rachel: Okay sir, um-mm, let see if I got this right. Ah, so this is a half-caf,
 double tall, easy hazel nut, non-fat, no foam, with whip, extra hot latte, right? (the guy
 nods) Okay, great. (she starts to walk away and under her breath) You freak.
 (Isabella Rosselini enters)
 Ross: (to Gunther) Thank you.
 Isabella: (to Gunther) Um, coffee to go, please.
 (Ross recognises her and goes over to the couch, mouthing  Oh my God'
 Ross: Isabella Rosselini. (points to her)
 Monica: Are you serious? (they all look) Oh my God.
 Ross: Damn! I can't believe I took her off my list.
 Monica: Why?  Cause otherwise you'd go for it?
 Ross: Yeah, maybe.
 Rachel: Oh-oh, you lie.
 Ross: What you don't think I'd go up to her?
 Rachel: Ross, it took you ten years to finally admit you liked me.
 Ross: Yeah, well missy, you better be glad that list is laminated.
 Rachel: You know what honey, you go ahead, we'll call her an alternate.
 Ross: Okay, hold my crawler.
 Rachel: Okay.
 Monica: Rach, are you really gonna let him do this?
 Rachel: Honey, he's about to go hit on Isabella Rosselini. I'm just
 sorry we don't got popcorn.
 Ross: (to Isabella) Hi! Hi, I'm Ross, you don't know me, but I'm
 a big, big fan of yours. I mean, Blue Velvet, woo-oo hoo! Um, I was wondering if I
 could um, maybe buy you a cup of coffee? (Gunther hands her change) Or maybe reimburse you
 for that one?
 Isabella: Aren't you with that girl over there? (points at Rachel, who
 waves back)
 Ross: Well, yeah, kinda. Um, but that's okay, see we have an understanding,
 um, see we each have this list of five famous people, (gets his out) so I'm allowed
 to sleep with you. No, no, no, it's flattery.
 Isabella: I'm sorry. (starts to leave)
 Ross: Oh no, no, no, wait, wait, Isabella. Don't, don't just dismiss
 this so fast. I mean this is a once in a lifetime opportunity...
 Isabella: Yeah, for you. Is that the list?
 Ross: Um, yeah.
 Isabella: May I see it?
 Ross: Um, no.
 Isabella: Come on! (grabs the list)
 Ross: But, okay.
 Isabella: (reading it) I'm not on the list!
 Ross: Um, see, but that's not the final draft.
 Isabella: It's laminated!
 Ross: Yeah, um, okay see, you were, you were on the list but my friend, Chandler
 (Chandler waves) brought up the very good point that you are international, so I bumped
 you for Wynona Rider, local.
 Isabella: Y'know it's ironic...
 Ross: What?
 Isabella: ...because I have a list of five goofy coffee house guys and yesterday
 I bumped you for that guy over there. (points at a guy and leaves)
 Ross: (to the rest of the gang) We're just gonna be friends.
 Closing Credits
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, they are admiring the entertainment center]


 The One With The Flashback
 The One With The Flashback
 Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 (Transcriber's Note: Rachel has two friends that are not named, so I referred to them
 as Friend No. 1 and Friend No. 2.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there including Janice.]
 Janice: Janice has a question. Who of the six of you has sleep with the six of
 you?
 Phoebe: Wow, it's like a dirty math problem.
 Ross: I'm sorry the answer there would be...none of us.
 Janice: Come on over the years none of you ever y'know, got drunk and stupid.
 Joey: Well, that's really a different question.
 Janice: I'm sorry I find it hard to believe that a group of people who
 spends as much time together as you guys do has never bumped uglies.
 Joey: Well, there was that one time that Monica and Rachel got together.
 Monica and Rachel: What?!!
 Rachel: Excuse me, there was no time!
 Joey: Okay, but let's say there was. How might that go?
 Janice: Okay, okay, well then answer me this. Has any of you ever.... almost?
 Rachel: Does anybody need more coffee?
 Ross: Yeah, I'll take some.
 Joey: Hey, there's a dog out there!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, three years earlier, Phoebe, Monica, and Ross are
 there]
 Phoebe: Oh, that is so unfortunate.
 Ross: What?
 Phoebe: Cute naked guy is really starting to put on weight.
 Monica: (entering from bedroom) Okay, I'll be back in just a minute. Oh,
 Phoebe I'm sorry that I left lipstick marks on the phone.
 Phoebe: You didn't leave lipstick marks on the phone.
 Monica: Oh, then it must've been you. Bye. (leaves)
 Phoebe: (angrily) Bye-bye! (to Ross) That's why I moved out.
 Ross: Hey, y'know while we're on that, when are you gonna tell my sister
 that you don't live here anymore.
 Phoebe: I think on some levels she already knows.
 Ross: Phoebe, she doesn't know that you sneak out every night, she
 doesn't know that you sneak back every morning, and she doesn't know that
 you've been living with your Grandmother's for a week now.
 Phoebe: Okay, well maybe not on those levels.
 Chandler: (entering, with a goatee) Hey.
 Ross: Hey.
 Chandler: I'm never gonna find a roommate, ever.
 Phoebe: Why, nobody good?
 Chandler: Well let's see, there was the guy with the ferrets, that's
 plural. The spitter. Oh-ho, and yes, the guy that enjoyed my name so much he felt the need
 to make a little noise every time he said it. Nice to meet you, Chandler Bing Bing!
 Great apartment Chandler Bing, Bing!
 Ross: So how many more do you have tomorrow?
 Chandler: Two. This photographer, who seemed really dull. And this actor guy,
 who I'm not sure about, because when he called and I answered the phone
  Chandler Bing,' he said  Whoa-whoa, short message.'
 Monica: (entering) Ross (who has his foot on the coffee table), foot on the
 floor or come over no more!
 Ross: (to Phoebe) Sure, your dresser is missing but this she notices.
 Monica: What?
 Ross: I have to go. Yeah, Carol should be home by now, soo...
 Chandler: Umm, how's it going with you guys?
 Ross: Oh, better, actually. Y'know I-I-I think I finally figured out why we were
 having so much trouble lately.
 Phoebe: Oh, really?
 Ross: Yeah, y'know how I have you guys, well she doesn't really have any
 close friends that are just hers, but last week she meet this woman at the gym, Susan
 something, and they really hit it off, and I-I-I think it's gonna make a difference
 [Scene: Chandler's, Chandler is interviewing a potential roommate.]
 Chandler: Soo, ah, Eric, what kind of photography do ya do?
 Eric: Oh, mostly fashion, so there may be models here from time to time, I hope
 that's cool.
 Chandler: Yes, that is cool. Because I have models here y'know......never.
 Eric: Oh, yeah, during the summer, I spend most weekends at my sister's
 beach house, which you are welcome to use by the way. Although, I should probably tell
 you, she's a porn star. (Chandler breaks his pencil in half)
 Chandler: Well, listen I ah, still have one more person to ah meet, but unless
 it turns out to be your sister, I think you're chances are pretty good. (Eric offers
 to shake hands) All right. (Chandler hugs him.)
 [Scene: Chandler's, Chandler is interviewing Joey.]
 Chandler: (running around the apartment pointing out things) Bedroom. Bathroom.
 Living room. This right here is the kitchen, and thanks for coming by, (opens door)
 Bye-bye.
 Joey: Don't you ah, don't you wanna ask me any questions?
 Chandler: Sure. Ummm. What's up?
 Joey: Well, ah, I'm an actor. I'm fairly neat. I ah, I got my own TV.
 Oh, and don't worry I'm totally okay with the gay thing.
 Chandler: What gay thing?
 Joey: Ah, y'know just in general people being gay, thing. I'm totally cool
 with that.
 [Scene: the hallway, Monica is coming up the stairs.]


Chandler: Well okay Jerry, thanks for stopping by.
 (Joey is leaving and notices Monica, as Monica notices him)
 Monica: Hi.
 Joey: Hey!
 (Joey leaves and Monica mouths to Chandler  Oh my God!')
 [Scene: A bar, Chandler is entering.]
 Chandler: Hey, Mon.
 Monica: Hey-hey-hey. You wanna hear something that sucks.
 Chandler: Do I ever.
 Monica: Chris says they're closing down the bar.
 Chandler: No way!
 Monica: Yeah, apparently they're turning it into some kinda coffee place.
 Chandler: Just coffee! Where are we gonna hang out now?
 Monica: Got me.
 Chandler: (to bartender) Can I get a beer.
 Monica: Hey, did you pick a roommate?
 Chandler: You betcha!
 Monica: Is it the Italian guy?
 Chandler: Um-mm, yeah right!
 Monica: He's so cute.
 Chandler: Oh yes, and that's what I want a roommate that I can walk around
 with and be referred to as the funny one.
 Monica: Oh look, the pool table's free. Rack  em up. I'll be back
 in just a minute. Get ready for me to whip your butt.
 Chandler: Okay, but after that, we're shootin' some pool.
 Rachel: (sitting at a table with some of her friends) (to waitress) Oh, um, no,
 no, no, no excuse me, hello. Hi. My friend ordered an onion, not an olive, and uh I
 ordered a rum and Diet Coke, which I don't think this is.
 Waitress: I am so sorry.
 Rachel: That's all right. (to her friends) I mean hard is it to get a
 couple drinks right, huh?
 Friend No. 1: Well, I would like to propose a toast to the woman, who in one
 year from today, become Mrs. Dr. Barry Farber DDS
 Rachel: Ummm, I think it's time to see the ring again. (holds her hand out
 and they all scream)
 Friend No. 2: Oh, isn't it exciting, I mean it's like having a
 boyfriend for life.
 Rachel: Yeah, I know.
 Friend No. 1: What?
 Rachel: Oh, I don't know. Well maybe it's just the idea of Barry for
 the rest of my life. I don't know I think I feel like I need to have one last fling,
 y'know, just to sorta get it out of my system. (Chandler is listening in very intensely)
 Friend No. 1: Rachel stop!
 Friend No. 2: You're so bad!
 Rachel: I'm serious, I really, I think I need just to have
 some...meaningless, sex y'know, with the next guy that I see.
 (Chandler throws the cue ball under there table.)
 Chandler: Excuse, I seem to have dropped my ball.
 Rachel: Yeah, so?
 Chandler: (picks it up) And now I've picked it up again. (walks over to
 Monica.)
 Monica: Oh my God, I went to high school with her. (to Rachel) Rachel! Hi!
 Rachel: Monica! Look! Hi! What do ya think? (shows her, her ring)
 Monica: Oh my God, you can't even see where the Titanic hit it.
 Rachel: Yes, his name is Barry, he's a doctor, thank you very much.
 Monica: Awww, just like you always wanted. Congratulations
 Rachel: Thank you. So how-how  bout you, are-are you seeing anybody?
 Monica: Aww, not right now.
 Rachel: Oh, but that's okay.
 Monica: I know.
 Rachel: Yeah.
 (An awkward silence)
 Monica: So, I'll get-get back to my friend.
 Rachel: Oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure, sure. (points at Chandler, who holds up the
 cue ball as a  Remember me?' thing) Listen, can we please have lunch the next
 time I'm in the city?
 Monica: Oh, that'd be great.
 Rachel: Okay!
 Monica: Thanks.
 Rachel: Bye!
 Monica: Bye! (to Chandler) Ten bucks says, I never see that woman again in my
 life.
 [Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Ross is on the phone, as Phoebe is walking by
 carrying a lamp.]
 Ross: No real-, honey, really it's fine, just g-go with Susan. Really, I,
 no, I think girls night out is a great idea. Okay, okay, bye
 Phoebe: So what are they doing?
 Ross: I don't know, something girlie.
 Phoebe: (to Monica, who's entering) Hey, you're early.
 Monica: What are you doing with the lamp?
 Phoebe: I'm just taking it to be re-wired.
 Monica: Oh, well don't take it to the same place you took the stereo,
  cause they've had that thing for over a week.
 (There is a knock on the door, Phoebe answers it, its Mr. Heckles)
 Phoebe: No, no, Mr. Heckles no one is making any noise up here.
 Mr. Heckles: You're disturbing my oboe practice.
 Phoebe: You don't play the oboe!
 Mr. Heckles: I could play the oboe!
 Phoebe: Then I'm gonna have to ask you to keep it down. (slams the door in
 his face.)
 (in the hallway, Eric is moving in)
 Mr. Heckles: (to Eric) Who are you?
 Eric: Hi, I'm Eric, I'm gonna be Chandler's new roommate.
 Mr. Heckles: I'm Chandler's new roommate.
 Eric: I-I-I don't think so.
 Mr. Heckles: I could be Chandler's new roommate.
 Eric: But, he told me over the phone.
 Mr. Heckles: He told me in person.
 Eric: That's weird.
 Mr. Heckles: Well, I'm going to go into my new apartment now. (goes over to
 the door and opens it) Ehh! (Eric leaves)
 (inside Chandler's apartment, Chandler is coming in from his bedroom, sees Mr.
 Heckles, and screams.)
 [Scene: the hallway, Joey is moving in, Monica is leaving.]


Monica: Hi, again.
 Joey: Hey! (goes into the apartment)
 Chandler: (leaving to go to work) Hey!
 Monica: Thank you soo, much.
 Chandler: Oh, don't thank me, thank the jerk that never showed up. Okay, I
 gotta get to get to work.
 (Joey comes back into the hallway and starts to pick up a heavy box)
 Monica: You want some help with that?
 Joey: Oh, no thanks, I got it. (picks it up) No I don't!
 Monica: Whoa! Are you okay?
 Joey: Whew! Stood up to fast, got a little head rush.
 Monica: It's the heat. (has her hand on his chest, and then pulls it away)
 And-and the humidity.
 Joey: That's a uh, that's a tough combination.
 Monica: Do you wanna come in for some lemonade?
 Joey: Like you wouldn't believe. (they go into the apartment) Wow! This is
 a great place.
 Monica: Thank you. Just make yourself comfortable.
 Joey: Gotcha.
 Monica: This place is really my Grandmother's. (Joey starts to take off all
 of his clothes, while Monica gets the glasses and pours the lemonade.) I got it from her
 when she moved to Florida, otherwise I could never afford a place like this. So if the
 landlord ever asks, I'm 87 year old woman, who's afraid of her VCR. So are you
 thirsty?
 Joey: Oh, you bet I am!
 Monica: (turning around) Okay, here's your penis!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: continued from earlier.]
 Monica: Oh my God!!! What are you doing?!!
 Joey: You said, you wanna come in for some lemonade?
 Monica: So?!
 Joey: Whoa, ah!! We're you just gonna give me some lemonade?
 Monica: Yeah huh!! Cover yourself up!
 Joey: Oh right, right.
 Monica: I don't believe this! When someone asks you in for lemonade, and to
 you that means they wanna have sex?
 Joey: Well usually...yeah! Well, not just lemonade, iced tea, sometimes juice.
 Well, sorry, I just, I thought you liked me. I'm such a jerk.
 Monica: It's okay. I suppose it could happen to anyone, not anyone I know,
 but... By the way I can still see it.
 [Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is vacuuming.]
 Monica: Pheebs?
 Phoebe: Huh?
 Monica: Where's your bed?
 Phoebe: It's not in the apartment? (Monica gives a  Come on'
 look) Oh no. I can't believe this is happening again.
 Monica: What?
 Phoebe: Okay, enough with the third degree! I-I've, I don't live here
 anymore.
 Monica: What are you talking about?
 Phoebe: I'm sorry, I-I-I-I don't live here anymore. I-I didn't
 know how to tell you, but y'know everybody else knows!
 Monica: Everybody knows!
 Phoebe: That was supposed to be a good thing, I forget why. Just listen, Monica,
 I, do you know, okay, do you know, I couldn't sleep for like a month because I got
 like a dot of ink on one of the sofa cushions.
 Monica: Well, you-you coulda just turned the cushion over.
 Phoebe: Yeah, I would've except I had a big spaghetti stain on the other
 side.
 Monica: What?!?!
 Phoebe: Okay, this is what I'm talking about, this. I-I need to live in a
 land where people can spill.
 Monica: You can spill. In the sink.
 Phoebe: Aw, honey it's not your fault, y'know this is who you are, and I
 love you, and I want us to be friends, and if I keep living here I don't see that
 happening.
 Monica: I love you, too.
 Phoebe: Aww, good. (they hug) What?
 Monica: What? I'm just said.
 Phoebe: No you're not, you're wondering which cushion it is.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, (now) Joey is watching Baywatch, as Chandler enters
 from his bedroom.]
 Chandler: So ah, whatcha watching?
 Joey: Baywatch.
 Chandler: What's it about?
 Joey: Lifeguards.
 Chandler: Well, it sounds kinda stupid... (looks at the TV) Who's she?
 Joey: Nicole Eggert. You'll like her.
 (Baywatch goes into one of those running scenes.)
 Chandler: Wow! Look at them run.
 Joey: They do that a lot. Hey, you want a beer?
 Chandler: Yeah, I'll go get one.
 Joey: No, no, no, don't get up, I got a cooler right here.
 [Scene: Monica's, Monica is coming out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a
 towel, as Chandler is entering.]
 Chandler: Well, hello!
 Monica: Hey.
 Chandler: Do you have any beers? We're out of beers.
 Monica: (all depressed) Help yourself.
 Chandler: You okay?
 Monica: Phoebe moved out.
 Chandler: Right.
 Monica: I don't understand, I mean am I so hard to live, is this why I
 don't have a boyfriend?
 Chandler: Noo!! You don't have a boyfriend because....I don't, I
 don't know why you don't have a boyfriend. You should have a boyfriend.
 Monica: Well, I think so.
 Chandler: Oh-ho, come here. (goes and hugs her) Listen, you are one of my
 favourite people and the most beautiful woman I've ever known in real life.
 [Scene: the bar, Ross is entering, Phoebe is at the bar, they are the only two in the
 place.]


 The One With The Race Car Bed
 The One With the Race Car Bed
 Written by: Seth Kurland
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there, Ross is telling a story about what
 happened at work and the rest of the gang are thinking to themselves, denoted by italics.]
 Ross: So I told Carl,  Nobody, no matter how famous their parents are,
 nobody is allowed to climb on the dinosaur.' But of course this went in one ear and
 out.....
 Rachel: I love how he cares so much about stuff. If I squint I can pretend
 he's Alan Alda.
 Monica: Oh good, another dinosaur story. When are those gonna become extinct?
 Chandler: If I was a superhero who could fly and be invisible, that
 would be the best.
 Gunther: What does Rachel see in this guy? I love Rachel. I wish she was my
 wife.
 (Joey is singing in his head.)
 Phoebe: Who's singing?
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang is there including Janice, they're
 watching Happy Days.]
 Ross: Hey. When you guys were kids and you played Happy Days, who were
 you? I was always Richie.
 Monica: I was always Joanne.
 Joey: Question. Was ah,  Egg the Gellers!' the war cry of your
 neighbourhood?
 (A commercial for the Mattress King, Janice's ex-husband, comes on TV.)
 Phoebe: Ewww! Oh! It's the Mattress King!
 Joey: Booo!!
 Chandler: (to Janice) Don't look honey. Change the channel! Change the
 channel!
 Janice: Wait! Wait! I wanna see this. After I divorce him, half of that kingdom
 is gonna be mine.
 Matress King: (on TV)  Despair fills the mattress showroom. My kingdom
 is suddenly without a queen. I'm so depressed I'm going to slash... my prices!!
 Check it out! Four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set! I'm going medieval on
 prices!
 Chandler: What a wank!
 Janice: Oh, I cannot believe he's using our divorce to sell mattresses.
 Monica: I know! And four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set, who cares about
 the divorce, those babies will sell themselves. (they all stare at her) And I'm
 appalled for you by the way.
 Matress King: (on TV) I'm close. I'm cheap. I'm the king.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is on the phone, everyone else is there except Joey.]
 Rachel:  Okay. (listens) Okay, daddy we'll see you tomorrow night.
 (listens) Okay bye-bye.' (hangs up)
 Ross: We?
 Rachel: Are ah, having dinner with my Dad tomorrow night, I hope that's
 okay.
 Ross: Oh shoot, tomorrow's not so good, I'm supposed to um, fall off
 the Empire State building and land on a bicycle with no seat. Sorry.
 Rachel: Ross, my father doesn't hate you.
 Ross: Please, he refers to me as  wethead'.
 Rachel: But honey he calls everybody by a nickname! Okay, look, I know, all
 right, just one dinner, please, just one night for me, please. I just want him to love you
 like I do. (Ross looks at her) All right, well not exactly like I do, but, but, if you do
 come to dinner, I'll love you like I do in that black thing that you like.
 Chandler: (leaning in) I'll go.
 Ross: Fine.
 Rachel: Thank you.
 Ross: Hi Gunther.
 Gunther: Yeah, we'll see!
 Joey: (entering) Hey, you guys!
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Joey: Guess what?
 Ross: What?
 Joey: I got a gig!
 All: Yay!!
 Chandler: See, that's why I could never be an actor. Because I can't
 say gig.
 Phoebe: Yeah, I can't say croissant. (realises) Oh my God!
 Monica: What's the part?
 Joey: Well, it's not a part, no. I'm teaching acting for soap operas
 down at the Learning Extension.
 Ross: Come on! That's great.
 All: Wow!
 Joey: Yeah, yeah. It's like my chance to give something back to the acting
 community.
 Ross: Y'know your probably not allowed to sleep with any of your students.
 Joey: (glares at him) I know!
 [Scene: Mattress King, Monica and Phoebe are shopping for a new mattress.]
 Phoebe: Ugh! I don't know Monica. It feels funny just being here. I mean if
 you buy a bed from Janice's ex-husband, that's like betraying Chandler.
 Monica: Not at these prices.
 Phoebe: (sees a little kid playing with a race car bed) (to kid) Hi. Y'know in
 England this car would be on the other side of the store. (the kid just stares at her, and
 she makes the  that went right over your head' motion) Woo!
 Monica: (lying down on a mattress) Oh! Ohhhhh! Oh! Phoebe, come here. Aw, this
 is my new bed. You gotta feel this bad boy.
 Phoebe: Eh, Monica it, it feels so weird, y'know, Chandler's your friend...
 (hops onto the bed) Oh! Oh my God! Aw, all right take this bed, you can make other
 friends.
 [Scene: Classroom. Joey is writing his name on the board, but turns around before
 he's done which causes him to write his name with a downward curve, and he then
 underlines it, and draws the line right through his name.]


Joey: Good evening. I'm Mr. Tribbiani. And I will be teaching acting for
 soap operas. Now um, on my first day as (proudly) Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our
 Lives, (looks for a reaction from his students, and gets none.) I learned that one of
 the most important things in soap opera acting is reacting, this does not mean acting
 again, it means, you don't have a line, but someone else just did. And it goes like
 this. (looks all intense for a moment and then gasps, the students cheer him) Thanks,
 thanks, a lot. Oh, by the way, before I forget to work in soap operas some of you will
 have to become much more attractive. All right, moving right along.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering, Phoebe is already there waiting for the
 delievery guy.]
 Joey: Hi!
 Phoebe: Hey! Ooh! How was teaching last night?
 Joey: Oh it was great. Yeah, you get to say stuff like, 'Hey, the bell
 doesn't dismiss you, I dismiss you.'
 Phoebe: Ooooh, nice.
 Joey: Oh, and guess what, I got an audition for All My Children.
 Phoebe: Oh, yay!
 Joey: Yeah, it's this great part, this boxer named Nick. And I'm so,
 so right for it, y'know, he's just like me. Except he's a boxer, and has an evil
 twin.
 (There is a knock on the door.)
 Phoebe: Oh. (goes and answers the door and there is this huge black
 delievery guy.)
 Guy: Dom da-da dom! Here ye! Here ye! Delivery from the Mattress King. (to
 Phoebe) You Miss Geller?
 Phoebe: Okay.
 Guy: Sign here. (hands her a clipboard)
 Phoebe: Oh, do I have a middle name. All right Monica Velula Geller. It's
 that bedroom there. (points to Monica's room)
 Joey: Hey, Monica bought a bed from the Mattress King?
 Phoebe: Yeah, so please, please, please, don't say anything to Chandler.
 Joey: You want me to lie to Chandler?
 Phoebe: Is that a problem?
 Joey: No.
 Phoebe: Oh, hey, hey Nick the boxer let's see what you got. All right ya,
 put  em up. Come on. (they start shadow boxing)
 Joey: Hey, you're ah, pretty good at this.
 Phoebe: Yeah, well I had to learn, I was staying at the Y and some off the young
 men weren't acting Christian enough.
 Joey: Ahh!
 (Joey throws a punch and just lightly taps her on the shoulder, Phoebe counters with a
 jab to the nose.)
 Joey: Hey now!
 (Phoebe throws another jab, and lands it on Joey's nose, causing it to bleed.)
 Joey: Hey!!! Oww!! And I'm bleeding.
 Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh!
 Joey: Okay, great.
 Phoebe: Wow! And I'm a vegetarian! All right, all right, well I'm
 sorry, we'll put some ice on it.
 Joey: Okay.
 Phoebe:  Kay, put your head back.
 Joey: All right. I can't see.
 Phoebe: All right, I have ya. Oh God.
 Guy: Which bedroom do ya want it in Miss Geller?
 Phoebe: Oh, it's the compulsively neat one by the window, okay.
 Guy: Gotcha. (he and his helper walk in carrying the racecar bed.)
 [Scene: Restaurant, Rachel and Ross and Dr. Green are having dinner.]
 Rachel: Hi Daddy!
 Dr. Green: This where they put it? What, there no table available in the
 kitchen! Hello, baby.
 Rachel: You remember Ross.
 Dr. Green: Um-hmm.
 Ross: Nice to see you again Dr. Green.
 Dr. Green: So! (they both try to sit next to Rachel but Dr. Green is
 successful.) (to Ross) How's the library?
 Ross: Ugh, museum.
 Dr. Green: What happened to the library?
 Ross: There never was a library. I mean there are libraries, its just that I ah,
 I never worked at one.
 Dr. Green: You know what's really good here, the lobster. What do you say
 shall I just order three.
 Ross: Yeah, if you're really hungry. (Dr. Green stares at him) It was a
 joke, I made a joke.
 Rachel: Yeah, actually Daddy Ross is allergic to lobster.
 Dr. Green: What kind of person is allergic to lobster? I guess the kind of
 person that works at a library.
 Ross: It's not a library...
 Dr. Green: (interrupting him) I know!! It's a museum! What, you're the
 only one around here who can make a joke! At least mine was funny. Ah, waiter, we will
 have two lobsters and a menu. (nods at Ross, and mouths I don't know to the waiter.)
 [Scene: After dinner.]
 Ross: So, Dr. Green, how's the old boat.
 Dr. Green: They found rust. You know what rust does to a boat?
 Ross: It gives it a nice antiquey look.
 Dr. Green: (he stares at Ross) Rust, is boat cancer, Ross.
 Ross: Wow. I'm sorry, when I was a kid I lost a bike to that. (Rachel
 giggles at that)
 Dr. Green: Excuse me for a moment, will you please, I want to say good night to
 the Levines, before we go.


Rachel: Okay.
 Ross: Okay! (picks up a knife and pretends to stab his heart.)
 Rachel: Aw honey stop! It's not that bad.
 Ross: Yeah. (sees the bill) Op! Uh-oh! I think your Dad must've added
 wrong. He only tipped like four percent.
 Rachel: Yeah. That's Daddy.
 Ross: That's Daddy?! But doesn't it bother you? You're a
 waitress.
 Rachel: Yes, it bothers me Ross, but y'know if he was a regular at the coffee
 house, I'd be serving him sneezers.
 Ross: So?
 Rachel: So. Ross, I've bugged him about this a million times, he's not
 gonna change.
 Ross: You really serve people sneezers?
 Rachel: Well um, I don't.
 Dr Green: You kids ready?
 Ross: Thanks again, Dr. Green.
 Dr. Green: All right.
 (Ross takes a twenty and slips it underneath the bill when Dr. Green isn't
 looking.)
 Dr. Green: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, I think I forgot my receipt.
 Ross: Oh, ah, you don't need that.
 Dr. Green: Why not?
 Ross: The carbon, it's messy, I mean it gets on your fingers and causes,
 the, the ah, night blindness.
 Dr. Green: (gets his receipt and notices the twenty) What is this? Who put a
 twenty down here? Huh?
 Ross: Oh, yeah, that would be me, um, I have, I have a problem I-I tip way too
 much, way, way, too much, it's a sickness really.
 Rachel: Yeah it is, it is. (to Ross) We really, really have to do something
 about that.
 Ross: I know.
 Dr. Green: Excuse me, you think I'm cheap?
 Rachel: Oh Daddy, no he didn't mean anything by that, he really
 didn't.
 Ross: Nothing I do means anything, really.
 Dr. Green: This is nice. I pay two hundred dollars for dinner, you put down
 twenty, and you come out looking like Mr. Big Shot. You really want to be Mr. Big Shot?
 Here, I'll tell you what, you pay the whole bill, Mr. Big Shot, all right. (rips up
 the bill, and throws it at Ross, then leaves)
 Ross: Well Mr. Big Shot is better than  wethead'.
 [Scene: Classroom, Joey is lecturing on facial expressions.]
 Joey: Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I've never been able to cry as
 an actor, so if I'm in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a
 pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. Or ah, or, let's say I wanna convey that
 I've just done something evil. That would be the basic  I have a fishhook in my
 eyebrow and I like it' (Does it by raising one eyebrow, and showing off the pretend
 fishhook.) Okay, let's say I've just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try
 and divide 232 by 13. (looks all confused) And that's how it's done. Great soap
 opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed.
 Student: Hey, Mr. Trib.
 Joey: Hey-hey.
 Student: Guess what, I got an audition!
 Joey: Awww, one of my students got an audition. I'm so proud.
 Student: I was wondering if you would consider coaching me for it?
 Joey: You bet! What's the part?
 Student: Oh it's great, it's a role on All My Children, Nick
 the boxer.
 (Joey does the  232 divided by 13 bad news' look.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Hallway, Ross and Rachel are returning from dinner.]
 Rachel: You had to do it, didn't you? You couldn't just leave it
 alone.
 Ross: Four percent. Okay. I tip more than that when there's a bug in my
 food.
 Rachel: Ross, tonight was about the two of you getting along. (Ross groans and
 rubs his neck) Oh, would you just see my chiropractor, already.
 Ross: Yeah, I'm gonna go to a doctor who went to school in a mini-mall.
 (they go into Monica and Rachel's, and see Phoebe hopping around.)
 Ross: Hey Pheebs, what are you doing?
 Phoebe: I'm, I'm freaking out! Monica kinda trusted me with something
 and she shouldn't have! All right, I haven't lived here in a while, so I have to
 ask you something. Does Monica still turn on the lights in her bedroom?
 Rachel: Um. yeah.
 Phoebe: I am soo dead. (goes to Monica's room)
 Rachel: All right, look, here's the bottom line Ross, this is fixable, if
 we act fast, okay. So, I'll invite him to brunch tomorrow and you can make nice.
 Ross: Look, honey, I have tried to make nice, it doesn't work.
 Rachel: Okay, look, Ross, I realise that my Father is difficult, but that's
 why you have got to be the bigger man here.
 Ross: Look sweetie, I could be the bigger man, I could be the biggest man, I
 could be a big, huge, giant man, and it still wouldn't make any difference, except
 that I could pick your Father up and say  Like me! Like me tiny doctor!'
 Rachel: Okay, well can't you just try it one more time Ross? For me? For
 me?


Ross: Rachel one brunch is not gonna solve anything. You gotta face it, okay
 we're never gonna get along.
 Rachel: Okay, well you are just gonna have too, okay. Because I already got a
 Mother and a Father who cannot stay in the same room together, okay, I don't wanna
 have to have a separate room for you too!! (starts to cry)
 Ross: Okay, okay, okay. (hugs her) I'll get the bagels.
 [Scene: Monica's bedroom, Phoebe is trying to hide the bed from Monica.]
 Monica: (sees the bed) What's this?
 Phoebe: Isn't it cool! Varoom! Varoom!
 Monica: This is not the bed I ordered!
 Phoebe: I know, you must've won like a contest or something!
 (Phoebe starts to make a sound like a car accelerating)
 Monica: Phoebe!
 (Phoebe makes a sound like a car screeching to a halt.)
 Monica: Why is this car in my bedroom?
 Phoebe: I'm sorry, okay, I-I wasn't looking, and the store says that
 they won't take it back because you signed for it...
 Monica: When did I sign for it?
 Phoebe: When I was you! Y'know what, it's all Joey's fault,
  cause he left his nose open!
 Monica: Did you make brownies today?
 Chandler: Knock, knock.
 Monica: (to Phoebe) Quick, take off your dress, he won't notice the bed.
 Chandler: Hey, I'm going for sushi does anybody want.. (enters and sees the
 bed) Whoa-whoa, somebody missed the off ramp.
 Phoebe: It's Monica's bed. What?
 Chandler: Okay. (to Monica) It's a racecar.
 Phoebe: So. This has always been Monica's bed, what you're just
 noticing now, how self-involved are you?
 Chandler: Okay, well it this bed isn't new, how come there is plastic on
 the mattress?
 Monica: Sometimes I have bad dreams. (starts to break down, and Phoebe offers
 her, her hand to comfort her.)
 [Scene: Classroom, Joey is coaching his student.]
 Student: Look, I just saw my best friends brains smeared across the canvas,
 that's not gonna be me, not me.
 Joey: Wow! That was good. That was...(points to his pocket) Tweezers?
 Student: No.
 Joey: Whoa. That was really good.
 Student: Thanks, any suggestions?
 (Joey gets the evil look on his face.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there, yelling at Joey.]
 Chandler: You told him to play the boxer gay!!
 Joey: Well, I-I might've said supergay.
 Chandler: You totally screwed him over.
 Monica: Joey, you're this guy's teacher. I mean how could you do this?
 Joey: Because, Monica, the guy's so good, and I really, really want this
 part.
 Phoebe: Well, if you really, really want it, then it's okay.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is greeting her Father for their brunch.]
 Rachel: (opening the door) Hi Daddy.
 Dr. Green: Baby. Ross.
 Ross: Dr. Green. How are you? (offers his hand, and Dr. Green puts his scarf on
 it.)
 Dr. Green: Thanks for dinner last night.
 Ross: Thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson.
 Dr. Green: Nice hair. What'd ya do? Swim here?
 Ross: (to Rachel) Okay, that's it, I can't take it anymore.
 Rachel: What? What? He's interested in you. He-he likes your hair, he just
 wants to know how you got here.
 Ross: Oh, please. Sweetie it's hopeless, okay, I'm just gonna go.
 (starts to leave rubbing his neck)
 Rachel: What?!
 Ross: Look, look I'm sorry. It's just that....
 Dr. Green: Ross? What's with the neck?
 Rachel: He's got this thing. And I keep telling him to go to my
 chiropractor...
 Dr. Green: You're still going to that chiropractor, that man couldn't
 get into medical school in Extapa!
 Ross: Thank you! That's what I keep saying.
 Rachel: Excuse me, Dr. Bobby happens to be an excellent doctor.
 Ross: Uh.
 Dr. Green: Wait a minute, his name is Dr. Bobby?
 Rachel: Well that's his last name.
 Ross: And his first name.
 Dr. Green: He's Bobby Bobby?
 Rachel: It's Robert Bobby.
 Dr. Green: Oh.
 Rachel: And um, excuse me, he helps me.
 Ross: Oh-ho please. Ask her how?
 Dr. Green: What do you need help for?
 Rachel: With my alignment. I've got one leg shorter than the other.
 Dr. Green: Oh God!
 Ross: Argue with that.
 Rachel: What? It's true, my right leg is two inches shorter.
 Dr. Green: Come on! You're just titling! (to Ross) Her legs are fine!
 Ross: I know that!
 Dr. Green: So, why do you let her go to a chiropractor for?
 Rachel: I'm sorry, let her?
 Ross: What can I do, she doesn't listen to me about renter's insurance
 either.
 Dr. Green: Wait a minute, you don't have renter's insurance?!
 Rachel: No.
 Dr. Green: Well what if somebody steals something? How are you gonna run after
 him with one leg shorter than the other?!
 (Both he and Ross start laughing)
 Ross: Hey, would you ah, would you like some juice?
 Dr. Green: I'd love some juice. Thanks.


 The One With The Giant Poking Device
 The One With The Giant Poking Device
 Written by: Adam Chase
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross are there, Rachel
 is serving brownies.]
 Rachel: Here you go Pheebs. Who else wants one of my special homemade brownies?
 Chandler: I will have one. (Ross and him both take one.)
 (Phoebe takes a bite and spits it out and screams.)
 Chandler: Okay, I'm not gonna have one.
 Ross: Neither will I. (they both put back the brownies.)
 Phoebe: No, no, it's just my tooth.
 Chandler: All right I'll have one. (he and Ross take another brownie,)
 Ross: So what's a matter, you need a dentist? I've got a good one.
 Phoebe: No thanks, I have a good one too. I just, I, I can't see him.
 Chandler: See that is the problem with invisible dentists.
 Ross: Why? Why can't you go to him?
 Phoebe: Because, every time I go to the dentist, somebody dies.
 Chandler: That is so weird, because every time I go to the dentist, I look down
 the hygienist's blouse.
 Rachel: Phoebe, what? Umm...what?!
 Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, first there was my aunt Mary, and then there was umm, John,
 my mailman, and then my, my cowboy friend  Albino Bob'.
 Rachel: And all these people actually died?
 Phoebe: Yes, while I was in the chair! That's why I take such good care of
 my teeth now, y'know, it's not about oral hygiene, I floss to save lives!
 Ross: Pheebs, come on, you didn't kill anybody, these people just happened
 to die when you went to the dentist. It's, it's, it's just ah, a
 coincidence.
 Phoebe: Well tell that to them. Oh! You can't, their dead.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.]
 Ross: Thanks, Gunther. (takes the plate Gunther serves him and Rachel comes up
 and kisses him) (to Rachel) Hey! (to Gunther) Umm, can I get a napkin too?
 Gunther: Oh, like you don't already have everything.
 Phoebe: (trying to bite into an apple) Ow! Ow! (drops the apple in disgust.)
 Rachel: Phoebe, your in pain, would you just go to the dentist, just go.
 Phoebe: All right, fine, fine, but if you're my next victim, don't
 come back as a poltergeist and like suck me into the TV set.
 Rachel: I promise.
 Phoebe: Although, don't feel like you can't visit.
 Joey: (entering with Monica) Hey, is, is, is Chandler here?
 Ross: (patting his clothes like he is looking for his wallet) No, no he's
 not.
 Monica: You guys, Joey just saw Janice kissing her ex-husband.
 Ross: What? (to Joey) So what are you going to do? I mean how, how are you going
 to tell Chandler?
 Joey: Well, I was thinking about that and I, I think the best way would be, to
 not.
 Rachel: Joey, you can't keep this to yourself, if you know about this, you
 have to tell him.
 Joey: It'll kill him. I mean it'll, it'll just kill him.
 Phoebe: Well, you could wait  til I go to the dentist, maybe I'll
 kill him.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, All are there except for Chandler.]
 Joey: (looking out the window) Ewww! Ugly Naked Guy is using his new hammock.
 It's like a Play-Doo Fat Factory.
 Phoebe: Well, I'm going to the dentist, so listen, okay, just be on the
 look out for anything that, that, that you can fall into, or, or that can fall on you,
 or... All right, just look out! Okay, And um, I also just wanna, I just wanna tell you all
 that um...... (starts to cry and runs out)
 Ross: Okay, I have a problem I have to go into work for a few hours, some kids
 messed up the Homo Sapien display.
 Joey: What did they do?
 Ross: Well, they painted over the word  Sapien' for one thing, then
 they rearranged the figures, let's just leave it at that.
 Monica: So, do you want me to watch Ben for you?
 Ross: Yes, that's what I was going to ask, thank you.
 Rachel: Whoa! Wait! Hello! What about me?
 Ross: You? You! Want to watch Ben? (in the background Monica mouths
  Don't worry, I'll be here the whole time.' to Ross.) Yes! That'd
 be great, no, I just wanted to ask Monica, because I know how empty her life is. (Monica
 sarcastically mouths  Yeah!' and holds up her thumb.)
 Joey: Hey-hey, Ross?
 Ross: Yeah.
 Joey: I've got a science question.
 Ross: Hmm?
 Joey: If the Homo Sapiens, were in fact  Homo-sapien', is that why
 there extinct?
 Ross: Joey, Homo Sapiens are people.
 Joey: Hey-hey, I'm not judging.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are babysitting Ben.]
 Rachel: (holding Ben) Look Benny, spoon. (moves it back and forth) Spoon. Come
 on! All right, y'know what I think he's bored.
 Monica: Here. Ben, do you wanna play the airplane game, do you wanna show
 Rachel? Come here. (takes Ben) We're gonna do something fun. Okay. (throws Ben up in
 the air a little bit and catches him) Weee!! (moves into the living room and does it
 again) Weee!! (starts to walk back into the kitchen as she does it again, and hits
 Ben's head on that wooden beam across the ceiling.)
 [cut to later]


Monica: (to Ben) Who's so brave, you're so brave, yes you are,
 you're so brave.
 Rachel: Okay. Okay honey, he's fine, he's fine, let's just put
 him down. Come here, Ben. (sets him on the couch) See that's a good boy. (to Monica)
 How could you do that to him!! Ross trusted me, what is he going to say?!
 Monica: He's not gonna say anything, because we're not gonna tell him.
 Rachel: We're not?!
 Monica: No we're not.
 Rachel: All right, I like that.
 Monica: Okay.
 Rachel: So we're okay, we're okay, we're okay, (starts to exam
 Ben) aren't we? No, we're not okay, we're not okay, there's a bump,
 there's a bump.
 Monica: Oh my God! Well push it in! Push it in!
 Rachel: I cannot push it in!
 Monica: Okay, we're gonna need a distraction.
 Rachel: Okay, okay, okay.
 Monica: I got it!
 Rachel: Okay.
 Monica: The second that Ross walks in that door, I want you take him back to
 your bedroom and do whatever it is that you do that makes him go, (high pitched) rweee!!
 Rachel: Or. We could put a hat on his head.
 Monica: A hat! Yes! We need a hat.
 Rachel: We need a hat..
 Monica: Where are we gonna find a tiny little hat?
 Rachel: Oh, oh, oh, I'll get  Rainy Day Bear'!! (runs to get him)
 Monica: Because he'll know what to do? (Rachel comes out of her room with a
 bear that's dressed in a rain suit.) Oh my God, you're a genius!
 Rachel: Oh God, oh God, it's sowed on though.
 Monica: Give it. Give it.
 Rachel: Okay.
 (Monica takes the bear, grabs his hat, and rips off his head.)
 Monica and Rachel: Oh!!
 Rachel: Oh, it's just like a bloodbath in here today.
 [Scene: The street, Chandler and Joey are walking past a jewelery store.]
 Chandler: Hey! Hold on a minute, hold on a second. Do you think these pearls are
 nice?
 Joey: I'd really prefer a mountain bike.
 Chandler: Janice's birthday is coming up, I want to get her something
 speacial. Come in here with me.
 Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, whoa. Do you ah, want to get her something
 speacial, get her flowers, get her candy, get her gum, girls love gum.
 Chandler: That's a good idea,  Dear Janice have a Hubba-Bubba
 birthday'. I would like to get her something serious.
 Joey: Oh, you want something serious. Y'know what you should do, you should get
 her one of those um, barium enemas. Those are dead serious.
 Chandler: All right. Look, I'm gonna go in here, and you don't buy me
 anything ever. (starts to go into the store)
 Joey: (stopping him) No, no, you can't, you can't, okay, you
 can't, you can't buy her pearls, you just can't, you can't, you
 can't.
 Chandler: Why not?!
 Joey: Oh God. Uh, okay, here's the thing, this is the thing, okay, the
 thing is...
 Chandler: What is the thing?
 Joey: Okay. I went down to the  Mattress King' showroom and, and I saw
 Janice, kissing her ex-husband.
 Chandler: (shocked) What?
 Joey: They were in his office.
 Chandler: Well she, she wouldn't do that, she's with, she's with
 me.
 Joey: I'm telling you man, I saw it.
 Chandler: Yeah, well, you're wrong! Okay, you're wrong.
 Joey: I'm not wrong! I wish I was. I'm sorry. Bet that barium enema
 doesn't sound so bad now, huh?
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are dressing up Ben in the entire rain
 suit from Rainy Day Bear.]
 Monica: It just makes more sense as an ensemble.
 Rachel: Right.
 Monica: Besides, it takes the focus off the hat.
 Phoebe: (running through the door) No! Oh! You're alive! You're alive!
 Rachel: See Pheebs, I promised you no one would die, didn't I?
 Phoebe: Yeah, well, we'll see about that. Can I use your phone? I just
 wanna call everyone I know.
 Monica: Sure, we have no money, go ahead.
 Phoebe: (on phone)  Hey! You're not dead! Okay, see ya!'
 Ben: Monica.
 Monica: Oh my God! He just said my name! Did you hear that?
 Ben: Monica bang!
 Rachel: Okay, I heard that.
 Monica: Did he just say  Monica bang'?
 Rachel: Uh-huh.
 Monica: Oh my God! He's gonna rat me out!
 Ben: Monica bang!
 Monica: Oh-ho-ho, sweetie, sweetie, you gotta stop saying that, now. It's
 no big deal, it's not even worth mentioning, you see we all do it all the time. See
 watch this, Ben, Ben, Ben. (goes over and starts hitting her head on the post) Ow, Monica
 bang! (does it again) Everybody bang. (repeats) Ben bang. (repeats) Rachel bang. (repeats)
 Bang, Rachel bang! Oh, isn't that fun?
 Rachel: (goes over and hits her head on the post) Look at that! (repeats) Look
 at that! (repeats) We all do it. (repeats) Okay, I'm stopping now.
 Monica: You okay?


Rachel: Oh yeah! Y'know, if it's not a headboard, it's just not worth
 it.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is waiting for Janice to arrive, and is angrily
 fllipping through a magazine.]
 Janice: (entering) How's my Bing-a-ling?
 Chandler: Ah, I don't know, you tell me. Anything you ah, wanna tell me,
 because, if you ah, you should, if you, you would, tell me.
 Janice: Why are your eyes so white?
 Chandler: You tell me! Maybe, it's because I was just fooling with my ex!
 Oh no-no-no-no, no-no-no-no, that was you!!
 Janice: Oh my God!!
 Chandler: All right!
 Janice: How did you know?
 Chandler: Joey told me, he saw you two kissing.
 Janice: In the park?
 Chandler: No! In his office! How many kisses were there?
 Janice: Just those two!
 Chandler: Wh-wh-why, wh-why, why, why was there kissing!? There should be no
 kissing!!
 Janice: Oh, I'm sorry honey, I'm so, so, (nasally) haaaaa! I'm
 so, so sorry, I just (nasally) haaaaaa! But I, oh what happened was, I-I-I can't
 breathe. Can you get me a bag, or something?
 Chandler: (giving her a bag) Here.
 (Janice starts to breath into it and sucks in the reciept, and then spits it out.)
 Janice: The receipt.
 Chandler: I'll take it! All right look, I gotta know. Are you finished with
 me? (Janice shakes her head no) Are you finished with him? (Janice shakes her head no) Do
 you still love him? (Janice shakes her head yes) Do you still love me? (Janice shakes her
 head yes) All right look, (grabs the bag) I'm gonna need an actual answer here okay,
 so which is it, him or me? (his phone starts to ring)
 Janice: I don't know.
 Phoebe: (rushing in) Okay. If you're alive you answer your phone!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey are there.]
 Monica: Okay, Ben, I won't tell your daddy that you had ice cream for
 dinner, if you don't tell about our little bonking incident.
 Rachel: Monica, number one, I don't think Ben understands the concept of
 bribery, and number two, I... (Joey starts laughing in the background) (to Joey) What?!
 Joey: You said number two.
 Rachel: I also said number one.
 Joey: I know. (giggles harder)
 Ross: (entering) Hey! Everyone.
 Rachel: Hi!
 Ross: How's my little boy?
 Rachel: He's perfect, he's never been better.
 Ross: (noticing the outfit he is wearing) What'd you do, take him whaling?
 Ben: Monica.
 Ross: Oh my God, he just said your name, that's great! Good job Ben.
 Ben: Monica bang!
 Monica: Oh that's right, that's what I'd sound like if I
 exploded.
 Phoebe: Woo-Hoo! The curse is broken! I called everybody I know, and everyone is
 alive.
 Joey: Uh.
 Phoebe: What?
 Joey: Ugly Naked Guy looks awfully still. (Phoebe runs to the window and gasps.)
 [Cut to later, all except Chandler are staring out the window at Ugly Naked Guy.]
 Phoebe: Oh my God! I killed him! I killed another one! And this curse is getting
 stronger too, to bring down something that big.
 Rachel: Well maybe he's just taking a nap.
 Joey: I'm tellin' ya, he hasn't moved since this morning.
 Monica: All right, we should call somebody.
 Ross: And tell them what? The naked guy we stare at all the time isn't
 moving.
 Rachel: Well, we have gotta find out if he's alive.
 Monica: How are we gonna do that? There's no way.
 Joey: Well, there is one way. His window's open, I say, we poke him.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is throwing darts, as Joey enters.]
 Joey: Hey! Y'know how we ah, save all those chopsticks for no reason we get when
 we get Chinese food?
 Chandler: Yeah.
 Joey: Well, now we got a reason.
 Chandler: What?
 Joey: Well, we're fashioning a very long poking device.
 Chandler: All right.
 Joey: Hey uh, what's a matter?
 Chandler: I talked to Janice.
 Joey: Oh my God, is she going back to him?
 Chandler: She doesn't know. Says she loves us both. Y'know I woke up this
 morning and I was in love, well I was happy. Y'know it serves me right for buying that
 twelve pack of condoms. And now I can't even return them, because she choked on the
 reciept!
 Joey: What are you ah, what are you gonna do?
 Chandler: I don't know, y'know. What, what, would you do?
 Joey: Well, it doesn't matter what I would do.
 Chandler: Come on, tell me.
 Joey: All right, you're probably not gonna want to hear this but ah, if it
 was me, and this is just me, (Chandler gets ready to throw another dart) I would ah, I
 would bow out.
 Chandler: What? (turns around quickly still ready to throw the dart and Joey
 quickly ducks and hides behind the chair) What are you, what are you talking about?
 Joey: They have a kid together, y'know. They're like, they're like a
 family, and if, I don't know, there's chance they could make that work, I know I
 wouldn't want to be the guy who stood in the way of that. Are you okay? Do you wanna
 ah, come poke a nude guy?
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross has just finished putting Ben to sleep, and is
 entering from Rachel's room.]


Ross: Well, he's finally alseep. About that ah, bump on his head?
 Rachel: Are you, are you, are you sure it's ah, a new bump? I mean, no
 offense, I've always thought of Ben as a fairly bumpy headed child.
 Ross: It's okay if he bumps his head, kids bump their heads all the time,
 y'know, it was your first time babysitting, I figured you did the best you could.
 Rachel: (confidently) I did!
 Ross: I know! I'm saying you have to watch them all the time.
 Rachel: I did!! I watched! I watched! I watched Monica bang his head against
 that thing!
 Ross: Monica did it?
 (Monica runs into the kitchen from the terrace.)
 Ross: Monica?
 Monica: Yeah.
 Ross: Umm, did you notice anything wierd about Ben today?
 Monica: No. Why?
 Ross: Well, I was just playing with him, and y'know we were doing the alphabet
 song, which he used to be really good at, but suddenly he's leaving out  e'
 and  f.' It's like they just ah, I don't know, fell out of his head.
 Monica: Really?!
 Ross: Oh, and also, he's, he's walkin' kind of funny, his left
 leg is moving a lot faster than his right leg, and he's in there just sort of
 y'know... (walks around in a circle)
 Monica: Oh my God, I wrecked your baby!! (runs into the bedroom)
 Rachel: I hope it's still funny when you're in hell.
 Monica: (coming out of the bedroom) You jerk! You know how much I love that kid!
 (starts to chase Ross around the living room)
 Ross: Monica bang! Monica bang! (runs into one of the posts) Ow!
 Rachel: I'll get the hat.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Janice are there.]
 Chandler: Janice, I have something I need to tell you, and I want you to let me
 get through it, because it's, it's, it's not gonna be easy.
 Janice: Okay.
 Chandler: I think you should go back with Gary. I don't wanna be the guy
 that breaks up a family, y'know when my parents split up, it was because of that guy.
 Whenever I would see him I was always think y'know  You're the reason, you are
 the reason why their not together.' and I hated that guy. And it didn't matter
 how nice he was, or how happy he made my Dad.
 Janice: Wow!
 Chandler: Yeah, well. It's the right thing to do.
 Janice: Oh! You're right. Oh God. But, before I can say
  good-bye', there's something I really need you to know, Chandler. The way
 I feel about you, it's like, I finally understand what Lionel Richie's been
 singing about. Y'know, I mean what we have, it's like movie love, you're my
 soulmate, and I can't believe we're not going to be spending the rest of our
 lives together.
 Chandler: Then don't leave me!
 Janice: What?
 Chandler: Forget what I said, I was babbling! Pick me!
 Janice: No, you were right, you were right. I mean, I-I-I've got to give my
 marriage another chance.
 Chandler: No you don't! No, no, no, I say you have to give your divorce
 another chance.
 Janice: (standing up) I'm sorry. (hugs him)
 Chandler: Ohhh. Don't go.
 Janice: No, I-I-I gotta go. (she starts to walk away, but Chandler doesn't
 let her go.)
 Chandler: No. No! No! No!
 Janice: Honey, honey, people are looking.
 Chandler: I don't care! (turns around and to the people watching them) I
 don't care!!
 Janice: Yeah, um, I'm, I'm leaving now. (tries to get her leg out of
 Chandler's grasp, she finally does, but Chandler takes off her shoe.)
 Chandler: You can't leave! I have your shoe!
 Janice: Good-bye Chandler Bing. (walks out with one shoe)
 Gunther: Rachel has those in burgendy.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey, Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, and Ross are holding the
 giant poking device.]
 Joey: All right now remember, something this big and long is going to be
 difficult to manuver, fortunately I have a lot of experience in that area.
 Ross: Can we please focus here, a naked man's life hangs in the balance!
 Phoebe: I'm telling you he's dead. What we are about to have here is a
 dead fat guy on a stick.
 Joey: All right, ladies and gentlemen, let's poke. (they start to advance
 the giant poking device) Steady. Steady. Okay, a little higher. Careful of the angle.
 Okay, okay, we're approaching the window (as he says this the camera cuts to their
 view of Ugly Naked Guy, so that we actually see him!) Thread the needle. Thread the
 needle.
 (They thread the needle and start poking him, he then stirs.)
 Phoebe: He's alive! He's a-live!!!
 Monica: And yet, we're still poking him.
 Joey: Okay, retract the device, retract the device.
 Ross: He does not look happy.
 Rachel: Hey-hey, now he's showing us his poking device.
 Joey: Hey, that's never gonna make it all the way over here, buddy!
 Closing Credits
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is listening to a Lionel Richie album]