 The One With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
 The One With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
 Written by: Scott Silveri
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Chandler, and Phoebe are there as Ross enters.]
 Ross: Hey!
 Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe: Hey!
 Ross: I'm sorry I'm late, did I miss anything?
 Phoebe: Joey stuffing 15 Oreos in his mouth. (Joey, with an obvious
 mouth full, nods yes.)
 Ross: 15? (Joey nods again) Your personal best! (Ross takes an Oreo and
 Joey mumbles, no!)
 Phoebe: Where were you?
 Ross: Oh, on a date. Yeah, I met this girl on the train going to a museum
 upstate.
 (simultaneously)
 Chandler: Oh, yeah! How did you meet her?
 Phoebe: Oh, which museum?
 Phoebe: (just Phoebe) No, answer his.
 Ross: Okay, it was just me and her at the back of the train, and I sat near the
 door, so she'd have to pass by me if she wanted to switch cars. She was totally at my
 mercy.
 Chandler: Were you so late because you were burring this woman?
 Ross: No, I'm getting back down  cause she lives in Poughkeepsie. She
 seems really great, but she's like totally great, but she lives two and a half hours
 away.
 Chandler: How can she be great if she's from Poughkeepsie? (laughs, at they
 all look at him) That joke would've killed in Albany.
 Joey: Done! I did it! Heh, who's stupid now? (He smiles and has cookie
 remains all over his teeth.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.]
 Chandler: Hey, look at this! (Holding a newspaper) They're lighting the big
 Christmas tree tonight.
 Phoebe: Umm, that paper's two weeks old.
 Chandler: All right, who keeps leaving old newspapers in the trash?! I really
 wanted to take Kathy to this, I can't believe I missed it.
 Rachel: Hey, y'know, at least you have somebody to miss that stuff with! I hate
 being alone this time of year! Next thing you know it'll be Valentine's Day,
 then my birthday, then bang! before you know it, they're lighting that damn tree
 again. Ohh, I want somebody! (hearing this, Gunther moves in)
 Y'know, I want a man!! (Gunther leaves depressed) I mean, it
 doesn't even have to be a big relationship, y'know, just like a fling would be
 great.
 Chandler: Really?! I didn't think girls ever just wanted a fling.
 Rachel: Well, believe me, it's been a long time since I've been flung.
 Joey: Well, I know what I'm giving you for Christmas.
 Chandler: Y'know what? There's some nice guys at my office, do you
 want me to set you up?
 Rachel: Yeah! Wait a minute, it's been a long time that I've been
 single. How come you never offered this before?
 Chandler: Well, I have a girlfriend, I'm-I'm happy. So, I no longer
 feel the need to go out of my way to stop others from being happy.
 Rachel: Okay! No accountants. Oh, and no one from like legal. I don't like
 guys with boring jobs.
 Chandler: Oh and Ross was like what? A lion tamer?
 (Monica enters)
 All: Hey!
 Phoebe: What's wrong Mon?
 Monica: Ohh, everybody at the restaurant still hates me.
 Phoebe: Oh.
 Monica: I thought I was making headway, everyone was smiling at me all day, I
 get off work and I find out that they wrote this (puts on her chef hat) on my chef's
 hat. (The hat says  Quit, bitch')
 Phoebe: Hey, maybe they meant to write,  Quiet, bitch.'
 Rachel: Hey, honey! What's the matter? (Monica shows her, her hat.) Fine, I
 was just trying to be nice! Whoa!
 Monica: I mean I have not been picked on this much since kindergarten and they
 had to bring in someone from junior high to do the see-saw with me. (Joey laughs and
 Monica glares at him.)
 Joey: Ohhh!
 Monica: I mean they're trying to do everything they can to make me quit,
 and if there were any other job, I would. But this is something I've been waiting for
 my whole life.
 Rachel: Well, wait a minute, you're the boss! Why don't you just yell
 at them? Or, fire them?
 Monica: I would love too, but I can't! I mean I just can't, you know
 that I'm not good at confrontation.
 Chandler: Hey, you know what you can do? I remember reading about this director,
 I think it was Orson Wells, who at the beginning of the movie would hire somebody, just so
 he could fire them in front of everybody. Then they would all know, who's boss.
 Joey: Hey, Mon! I'm not doing anything, why don't you fire me?
 Monica: That's a good idea! Wait, do you know how to waiter?
 Joey: Good enough to get fired.
 Monica: All right, you're hired!
 Joey: Hey! That must be why I got fired last week! Does this Orson Wells guy
 direct Burger King commercials?


Chandler: (he glares at him for a while) Yes.
 [Scene: Chandler's office, he is trying to find Rachel a date.]
 Chandler: I say, Drew! Are you seeing anybody right now? (Drew looks at him)
 Og-ee-op, I'm not asking for me, I'm  I mean  No, I'm-I'm
 not gay, I'm not asking you out. I'm not-I'm not-I'm not gay!
 Drew: I didn't think you were gay. I do now.
 Chandler: See my friend-my friend, Rachel, she wants to be set up.
 Drew: Ahh, I just got out of a big relationship, I'm not looking for any
 thing serious.
 Chandler: Oh, y'know what, that might be okay even if it was just kind of a
 fling, that might be all right with Rachel.
 Mike: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Is this, hot Rachel, that you took to the Christmas
 party, Rachel?
 Chandler: (to Drew) Oh, by the way, that is her full name.
 Mike: Oh wow! I'm free for her!
 Drew: Oh, wait a second! I didn't say I wasn't free!
 Mike: Hey, Chandler, why don't we talk this over at the Ranger game
 tomorrow?
 Drew: Hold on, y'know I just got a box of Cubans, maybe I
 bring them by your office around uh, five?
 Chandler: Oh well, that's uh, a little later than I uh, generally care to
 stay, but sure!
 Mike: Maybe, before the game we could enjoy some eight year old some small batch
 Basel Hadens.
 Chandler: Well, I don't really know what that is, but let's!!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is working on a new song.]
 Phoebe: Hey! You guys, I'm writing a holiday song for everyone. Do you want
 to hear it?
 Monica, Rachel, and Joey: Yes!
 Phoebe: (singing) Happy Chanukah, Monica! May your Christmas be snowy, Joey!
 Happy New Year, Chandler and Ross. Spin the draddle, Rachel!
 Rachel: Pheebs, that's great!
 Phoebe: Oh, yay!
 Rachel: But y'know umm, Rachel doesn't rhyme with draddle.
 Phoebe: I know but it's so hard! Nothing rhymes with your stupid name!
 Joey: What are you talking about? Lots of things rhyme with Rachel. Bagel. Mail.
 Jail. Bail. Able. May-pole.
 Phoebe: All good, thanks. (to Rachel) Do you maybe have a nickname have like a
 nickname that's easier to rhyme?
 Monica: Didn't your dad used to call you Pumpkin?
 Rachel: Oh yeah!
 Phoebe: Pumpkin? Yeah. But did he ever call you like, Budolph?
 Chandler: (entering) Hello, children!
 All: Hey!
 Chandler: (to Rachel) Have I got the 50 guys for you!
 Rachel: Really?!
 Chandler: Oh yeah, I just showed this a picture of you and guys were throwing
 themselves at me! They're buying me drinks! They're giving me stuff! (to Joey)
 Knicks tonight?
 Joey: Sure! Where are the seats?
 Chandler: Wherever! I've got like 20!
 Rachel: So, will I like any of these guys?
 Chandler: Y'know what, I'm gonna uh, play the field just a little
 more.
 Rachel: Chandler!
 Chandler: Guys are signing over their 401-K's to me?
 Phoebe: (shocked) You work with robots!!
 Chandler: (pause) Yes. (to Rachel) Okay, there's this one guy, Patrick, I
 think you're gonna like him, he's really nice, he's funny, he's a
 swimmer.
 Rachel: Ohh, I like swimmer's bodies!
 Chandler: Yes, and his father invented that magnetic strip on the back of credit
 cards.
 Rachel: Op, I like credit cards!
 Chandler: See, I'm not bad at this fixing up thing, huh?
 Rachel: Well, so what does he do?
 Chandler: Oh, he works in the Fine Foods division.
 Rachel: Your company has a fine foods division?
 Chandler: It's a big company, I don't if you I
 Joey: Now, wait a second! You make food and robots?
 Phoebe: No! No, the robots just work for them.
 Monica: (getting up) All right, I'm gonna go to work. Does anybody have a
 problem with that?
 Joey: Yeah, lady, I do! I got a problem with that!
 Monica: You want a problem? I'll give you a problem!
 Joey: Oh, what are you gonna do? You're gonna fire me?
 Monica: You bet your ass, I'm gonna fire you! Thank you.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler are there.]
 Ross: Oh, wow! I should get going. I-I got a date tonight.
 Chandler: Oh yeah! With who?
 Ross: You know that girl I told you about who lives up in Poughkeepsie?
 Chandler: Yeah.
 Ross: Not her. Yeah, this is someone else I meet, and I-I can't decide
 between the two of them. Y'know the one from Poughkeepsie, even though she's a
 two hour train ride away, is really pretty, really smart, and-and a lot of fun. But this
 other girl, well, she lives right uptown. Y'know she's, well
 she's-she's just as pretty, I guess she's smart, she's not
 fun.
 Phoebe: If she's no fun, why do you want to date her at all?
 Ross: Well, I-I want to give her another chance, y'know? She lives so
 close. And, at the end of the date, the other time, she-she said something that
 was if she was kidding was very funny. On the other hand, if she wasn't kidding,
 she's not fun, she's stupid, and kind of a racist.


Joey: (entering) Hey!
 Ross: Hey!
 Chandler: Hey, man!
 Phoebe: Hey! Ooh, how was your first day working at the restaurant?
 Joey: (checks his watch) Damn! (runs out to work)
 [Scene: Allesandro's, Monica is cooking.]
 Joey: (entering from the dining room) Hey.
 Monica: Hey.
 Joey: Hey, what happened to your fancy chef's jacket? (sees there's a
 burn spot on it)
 Monica: They baked it. I can't take this anymore. I'm gonna call a
 meeting tonight, I'm gonna fire you tonight.
 Joey: You got it! Oh-oh! (He starts patting the burned spot, which just happens
 to be over her breast.)
 Monica: What are you doing?!
 Joey: It's still a tiny bit on fire there.
 Monica: Thanks. (Joey's still patting the burn spot) I think you got it!
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is there.]
 Rachel: (entering) Chandler!! You have the best taste in men!
 Chandler: Well, like father, like son.
 Rachel: Patrick and I had such a great time last night! I mean I think this
 could maybe turn into something serious.
 Chandler: Really?! I-I thought you weren't looking for something serious? I
 thought you were looking for some kind of a fling.
 Rachel: Well, y'know, possibly. (pause) You didn't tell him that, though?
 Right?
 Chandler: Ummmmmmmm, no.
 Rachel: You told this guy that I was looking for a fling?! You don't tell
 the guy that!
 Chandler: Why not?! I'd be thrilled if I heard that some hot girl was just
 looking to get oh I see.
 Rachel: Oh, between you telling him that I wanted to have a fling and me putting
 out on the first date oh, he's so gonna get the wrong idea.
 [Scene: Allesandro's, Joey is eating some cheese.]
 Monica: Hey, Joey, could you pass the cheese?
 Joey: Yeah. Listen uh, I'd prefer it if you didn't call me Joey. Since
 I don't know anyone here, I thought it'd be cool to try out a cool work
 nickname.
 A Waiter: (entering) Hey, dragon! Here's your tips from Monday and Tuesday.
 (hands him two envelopes)
 Joey: (opening an envelope) There's like-there's like 300 bucks in
 this one!
 The Waiter: Yeah, people get pretty generous around the holidays. And it never
 hurts to wear tight trousers.
 Monica: Okay. Could the waiters gather around to hear tonight's specials?
 Okay, first there is a Chilean Sea Bass prepared with a Mango relish on a bag Why is
 nobody writing these down?
 The Waiter: Because we can remember them.
 Monica: Because your all gonna make up fake specials and make me cook them like
 you did the other night?
 The Waiter: Well, sure, that too.
 Monica: Okay, forget the specials for a minute. Umm, all right here's the
 thing, for the last two weeks I have umm, (quietly) tried really hard to create a positive
 atmosphere
 The Waiter: Can't hear you!
 Monica: (louder) A positive atmosphere! But I-I-I have had it up to here. (She
 holds her hand over her head as an afterthought.) From now on, it is gonna be my
 way, or the highway! All right? Does anybody have a problem with that?!! (Joey looks at
 the money he's holding, and doesn't speak up.) Hey new guy! I said, does anybody
 have a problem with that?!
 Joey: No ma'am.
 The Waiter: Hey! He has a name, it's Dragon. Do you wanna know your name?
 Check your hat. (to another waiter) We did the hat right? (The other waiter nods yes.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Allesandro's, continued from earlier. The other waiters are gone and
 Monica is confronting Joey about his not speaking up.]
 Monica: What the hell happened?!
 Joey: I am so-so-so sorry. I was gonna do it! Really! But I was standing there
 with 327 dollars in one hand and 238 dollars in the other hand, and I was thinking,
 'Wow! It's been a long time since I had  (tries to do the math in his head,
 but can't) 327 + 238 dollars!'
 Monica: Joey, we had a deal. That-that's why you're here! I've
 got to fire you!
 Joey: And I gotta pay rent! Look, how-how about this? You don't fire me,
 instead I stay here, I gain their trust, and they'll start listening to all the nice
 things I've been saying about you.
 Monica: What kinda things have you been saying?
 Joey: Well nothing yet, they really hate you and I want to fit in.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is working on her holiday song, Chandler is sitting on the
 couch reading a magazine, and Ross is sleeping on the couch.]
 Phoebe: (singing) Happy, happy Chanukah, Chandler and Monica. Very merry
 Chandler: (interrupting) Oh, y'know, y'know what Pheebs?
 Phoebe: What?
 Chandler: I'm not Jewish, so
 Phoebe: So! Ross doesn't really decorate his tree with
 floss, but you don't hear him complaining do you? God! (Phoebe hits her guitar which
 wakes up Ross with a start.)
 Chandler: Bad dream?
 Ross: I wasn't sleeping.
 Chandler: Oh yeah, then uh, what was Phoebe's song about?


Ross: The one with the cat. I gotta go, I've got another date.
 Phoebe: So, did you pick one yet?
 Ross: No, it turns out that the one from uptown was making a joke. But it was a
 different joke than I thought it wasn't that funny. So I'm still torn.
 Phoebe: Well look, you don't really like the one from uptown and
 you're too exhausted from dating the one up in Poughkeepsie, so I say you just end
 them both. Okay? You take a train up to Poughkeepsie and break up with her, and on your
 way back you break up with uptown. And then by the time you get home tonight, you're
 done!
 Ross: Y'know, you're right. Thank you.
 Phoebe: Umm, well I had a similar problem when I lived in Prague.
 Chandler: Prague?
 Phoebe: There's sooo much you don't know.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is playing living room golf as Rachel enters.
 Rachel sees this and holds the door open until Chandler is ready to start his swing, when
 he is, she slams the door shut which causes the club to fly from his hands. He turns
 around, shocked.]
 Rachel: Chandler! Patrick just uh, ended things with me. Did you or did you not
 tell him that I was looking for a serious relationship?
 Chandler: I did! I absolutely did!
 Rachel: You idiot!!
 Chandler: I'm sure you're right, but why?
 Rachel: You don't tell a guy that you're looking for a serious
 relationship! You don't tell the guy that! Now you scared him away!
 Chandler: Oh, man. I'm sorry, I'm so-so sorry.
 Rachel: Y'know, you should never be allowed to talk to
 people!
 Chandler: I know! I know!
 Rachel: Oh! See just I'm right back where I started! Aww, this sucks! Being
 alone, sucks! (She sits down heavily in one of the new chairs)
 Chandler: Well, y'know, you're-you're gonna meet somebody!
 You're a great catch! Y'know when I was telling all those guys about you, I
 didn't have to lie once. (He sits down on the arm of her chair)
 Rachel: Really?
 Chandler: Yeah! You graduated Magma Ku Laude, right?
 Rachel: No.
 Chandler: Oh, it doesn't matter. (Kisses her on the top of her head.) Hey,
 y'know what, I've got two tickets to tonight's Rangers game, you wanna come
 with me?
 Rachel: Cute guys in little shorts? Sure.
 Chandler: Well, actually it's a hockey team, so it's angry Canadians
 with no teeth.
 Rachel: Well that sounds fun too. (They hug.)
 (pause)
 Chandler: Have you ever been with a woman?
 Rachel: What?! Chandler, what is the matter with you?!
 Chandler: So there is no good time to ask that question.
 [Scene: A train to Poughkeepsie, Ross is asleep against the window.]
 The Conductor: The next station is Poughkeepsie. Poughkeepsie!
 The Woman From Poughkeepsie: (outside Ross's window) Ross? Ross!
 (she knocks on the window) Wake up! Ross! (the train starts moving) Ross! Ross!! Ross!!!
 Ross!!!!
 [Scene: Allesandro's, Monica is cooking.]
 Monica: I need more swordfish. (to one of the assistant chefs) Can you get me
 some more swordfish?
 Kitchen Worker: I don't speak English.
 Monica: You did a minute ago!
 Kitchen Worker: Well, I don't know what to tell ya!
 Monica: Fine!
 (She goes into the freezer to get it herself, and leaves the door open. The waiter from
 earlier comes by and closes the door.)
 Monica: Okay! Very funny! Somebody let me out please?! Come on, I'm cold!
 (She spills something.) And covered in marinara sauce! Come on! Let me out! (the door
 opens)
 The Waiter: You found that handle, did ya?
 Monica: That's not funny.
 The Waiter: Well that's not true.
 Monica: (starting to cry) I'm a good person. And I'm a good chef, and
 I don't deserve to have marinara sauce all over me! Y'know what, if you want me
 to quit this bad, then all you have to do is
 Joey: (interrupting) Hey! Chef Geller! Y'know that little speech you made
 the other day? Well I got a problem with it!
 Monica: You do?
 Joey: You bet I do! I just ah, wasn't listening then, that's all.
 Monica: Well if you want a problem? I'll give you a problem!
 Joey: What are you gonna do? You're gonna fire me?
 Monica: You bet your ass I'm gonna fire you! Get out of my kitchen! Get
 out!! (Joey leaves) All right! Anybody else got a problem? How  bout you Chuckles?
 You think this is funny now?
 The Waiter: No.
 Monica: How about if I dance around all covered in sauce? Huh?
 You think it's funny now?
 The Waiter: No, it's really good.
 Monica: Good! Now, take those salads to table 4, (to the kitchen worker from
 earlier) And you! Get the swordfish! (to another assistant chef) And you! Get a haircut!
 [Scene: The train, it's pulling into a station.]
 The Conductor: Last stop, Montreal. This stop is Montreal.


 The One With Phoebe's Uterus
 The One With Phoebe's Uterus
 Written by: Seth Kirkland
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, Frank and Alice are there talking with Phoebe.]
 Phoebe: Oh my God! I can't believe my little brother is married!
 Frank: Oh I know!! (Both he and Alice squeal hysterically)
 Phoebe: You guys, why didn't you tell me you were eloping?
 Frank:  Cause it just sorta happened, y'know we were at the
 courthouse, we were having lunch
 Phoebe: Wait, wait, why were you at the courthouse?
 Frank: We were having lunch. Yeah and then all of the sudden we were like,
 'Hey! Y'know, we're here, having lunch let's get married!
 Phoebe: Wow, a year and a half ago I didn't even know I had a brother, and
 now I have a sister too. (They all hug, and Frank and Alice start kissing.) Okay. Okay.
 Stop it, don't. So, I gotta get you a gift now. Is there anything you need?
 Frank: Uhh, yeah.
 Alice: We've been trying to get pregnant, uh pretty much ever since we got
 engaged, we thought we'd get a jump on things, y'know no one's getting any
 younger.
 Frank: See the thing is umm, we're not able to y'know, uh, conceive.
 Alice: And we've tried everything, we've seen a bunch of doctors.
 Frank: Yeah, and they-and they say that our-that our only chance to have a baby
 is that if they take my sperm, her egg and put it together in a dish and then put it into
 another girl. So we were wondering if you could be the girl that we could put it into.
 Phoebe: (shocked) That's a really nice gift. I was thinking of like a gravy
 boat.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are trying to throw cards
 into a vase.]
 Joey: (entering with Ross) Hey! You guys! Check it out, check it out! (He's
 wearing a blue blazer) Guess which job I got.
 Chandler: I don't know, but Donald Trump wants his blue blazer black.
 (The gang is stunned.)
 Ross: What?
 Chandler: Blue blazer back. He-he wants it back.
 Rachel: But you-you said black. Why would he want his blue blazer black?
 Chandler: Well, you-you know what I meant.
 Monica: No, you messed it up. You're stupid.
 Chandler: So what job did you get Joe?
 Joey: Oh, ah, tour guide at the museum. Yeah, Ross got it for me.
 Rachel: Well, how can you be a tour guide, don't you have to be a dinosaur
 expert or something?
 Joey: No, not really. They give you all the information, it's uh, it's
 like memorizing a script. (Making like a tour guide) 'And on your left, you have
 Tyrannosaurus Rex, a carnivore from the Jurassic period.
 Chandler, Monica, and Rachel: Great!! That's great!
 Ross: Uh actually Joey, it's the Cretasous period.
 Joey: Yeah but, I can pronounce Jurassic.
 Phoebe: (entering) Hey!!
 All: Hey!
 Phoebe: Guess what. Frank Jr., and Alice got married!
 All: Oh my God!!
 Phoebe: And! And, they're gonna have a baby! (The gang is shocked.) And!
 And, they want me to grow it for them in my uterus. (The gang is stunned into silence.)
 Ross: My God!
 Monica: Are you serious?
 Phoebe: Yeah
 Joey: You're really thinking about having sex with your brother?!
 Phoebe: Ewww! And 'Oh no!' It's they just want me to be the
 surrogate. It's her-it's her egg and her sperm, and I'm-I'm just the
 oven, it's totally their bun.
 Joey: Huh.
 Monica: What did you tell them?
 Phoebe: Well, they said that I had to think about it first, but what is there to
 think about? I'm gonna be giving them the greatest gift you can possibly give.
 Chandler: You're gonna be carrying their baby and give them a Sony Play
 Station?
 Rachel: Honey, this really is an incredible thing to do for them, but there are
 things to think about.
 Monica: Yeah, like you're gonna be pregnant. I mean pregnant.
 Phoebe: I know!
 Ross: Pheebs, you're talking about putting your body through an awful lot,
 I mean morning sickness, uhh, labour, and it's all for somebody else!
 Phoebe: Yeah, what's your point?
 Ross: Well, the stuff I just mentioned.
 Rachel: Wow! I don't know if I could ever do that. I always figured the
 first time I had a baby was with somebody I love and that baby would be a keeper.
 Phoebe: Y'know you guys were a lot more supportive when I wanted to make denim
 furniture.
 Joey: No, Pheebs, listen, if you decide to do this, we'll be supportive
 like crazy.
 All: Yeah.
 Monica: We just want you to think it through.
 Rachel: Yeah, honey, maybe you can talk to somebody who's had a baby. Like
 your mom?
 Phoebe: My mom never gave birth. Oh! But my birth mom did.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Kathy are kissing.]
 Kathy: Umm, (moves her hand's down to his butt) I love this touchy. Can I
 take it to work with me?


Chandler: Oh, yeah, sure, it's not mine anyway. It can with the pants.
 Kathy: Oh! (They kiss and she leaves)
 Monica: I am so jealous.
 Rachel: You guys are really right there aren't you?
 Chandler: Yes. Right where?
 Monica: In the beginning where y'know it's all sex and talking and sex
 and talking and
 Chandler: Yeah, you-you gotta love the talking.
 Monica: And the sex?
 Chandler: All right, we haven't had sex yet. Okay, what's the big
 deal? Y'know? This is special, and I want our love to grow until we move on to the
 next level.
 Rachel: Oh, Chandler that is so nice.
 Ross: That is really nice lying! No way is that the reason!
 Rachel: Why? Just because you're not mature enough to understand something
 like that?!
 Chandler: No, he's right, I'm totally lying.
 (Ross makes an 'I was right, and you weren't face.' And Rachel does
 Ross's little I'm-flicking-you-off-but-I'm-not-giving-you-the-finger
 banging of the fists.)
 Monica: Then what is it?
 Chandler: Well, Kathy's last boyfriend was Joey.
 Ross: And you're afraid you won't be able to fill his shoes.
 Chandler: No, I'm afraid I won't be able to make love as well as him.
 Ross: Yeah, I was going for the metaphor.
 Chandler: Yes, and I was saying the actual words.
 Monica: So big deal, so Joey's had a lot of girlfriends, it doesn't
 mean he's great in bed.
 Chandler: We share a wall! So either he's great in bed, or she just likes
 to agree with him a lot.
 Monica: Sweetie, with you it's gonna be different. The sex is gonna be
 great,  cause you-you guys are in love.
 Chandler: Yeah?
 Rachel: Yeah!
 Ross: Just go for it Chandler.
 Monica: Yeah, you should.
 Rachel: Yeah, you should, really.
 Monica: Go on.
 Chandler: All right, all right, I'll go sleep with my girlfriend. But
 I'm just doing it for you guys.
 [Scene: The museum, Joey is giving a tour to a bunch of school kids.]
 Joey: Okay, now the Mastodon is from the semi-late Jurassic period.
 Smart Kid: Isn't the Mastodon from the Pliocene Epic?
 Joey: Shhh! This is a museum, no talking. Right down here, (Motions to a
 fossilised dinosaur foot.) we have a large foot. (Sees Ross working in one of the display
 cases.) Uhh, and over here we have Ross Geller. (Knocks on the glass) Everyone wave
  Hi' to Ross. Ross is one of our most important scientists, look at him, hard at
 work. (Ross does the old 'Putting a cigarette in your ear and pulling it out of your
 mouth trick.') Okay, moving right along. Come on.
 [Scene: Phoebe Sr.'s house, there's a knock on the door.]
 Phoebe Sr: It's open! Come in!
 Phoebe: Hi!
 Phoebe Sr: Hi!
 Phoebe: I'm sorry, I'm late.
 Phoebe Sr: Oh, that's okay, it gave me time to finish glazing my nipples.
 Phoebe: Wow! You really go all out when you're expecting company.
 Phoebe Sr: No, I was working on my pottery.
 Phoebe: Oh! Ooh! Oh, I didn't know that you did pot.
 Phoebe Sr: Well, yeah, mostly nudes. It combines my two passions, pottery and
 erotica.
 Phoebe: Ooh, erotiery!
 Phoebe Sr: Hey! Okay! Well thanks for coming out to see me. I just-I just
 thought it would be a very good idea to talk about this baby stuff in person.
 Y'know
 Phoebe: Okay.
 Phoebe Sr: I really don't think it's a very good idea, Phoebe.
 Phoebe: Why not?
 Phoebe Sr: Well, because you'd be giving up a baby, and I-I really
 don't I don't know if there's anything I can say that could make you
 understand the pain of giving up a baby. So, umm, (Picks up a puppy in the box next to the
 couch.)
 Phoebe: Oh no! No-no! I understand the pain! Don't-don't hurt the
 puppy.
 Phoebe Sr: No-no-no, the-the puppy's yours.
 Phoebe: Oh, I get a puppy!!
 Phoebe Sr: Well, yeah! I mean yeah, but only for three days.
 Phoebe: Why?
 Phoebe Sr: I realise I don't have any right to start get all parenty on you
 and everything now, but umm, (Sees that Phoebe isn't paying attention and is busy
 mimicking the puppy.) uhh  Phoebe, would you please look at me and not the puppy,
 it's very important.
 Phoebe: Okay.
 Phoebe Sr: I mean, I know what I'm talking about. I gave up two babies, and
 I only wish I had someone there that had given up babies, that could tell me how terrible
 it is to give up babies. I just think that, it would be something you will regret every
 single day for the rest of your life. So, how ever hard it is to give up this puppy, it
 would be like a million times harder to give up a child. (Phoebe is playing with the puppy
 again, and not listening) I really shouldn't have given you the puppy first.
 Phoebe: All right, I'm sorry.
 [Scene: The museum's worker cafeteria, Joey is eating lunch with the rest of the
 tour guides. Another tour guide tries to sit down in a seat Joey saved for Ross.]


Joey: Uhh, do you mind sitting there. I'm-I'm saving this for my
 friend Ross.
 Tour Guide: You mean Dr. Geller?
 Joey: Doctor? Wow! I didn't know he had a nickname.
 Tour Guide: Oh, he won't sit here. Only the people in the white coats sit
 over there, (Points to there table) and only the people in the blue blazers sit here.
 Joey: Well, how-how come?
 Tour Guide: That's just the way it is.
 Joey: That's crazy.
 Tour Guide: Maybe it's crazy in a perfect world, a world without lab coats
 and blazers, but you not in a perfect world, you in a museum now. See that scientist in
 the classes, he and I used to play together all the time in grade school, but
 now (Turns around) Peter! Hey, Peter! It's me Rhonda! From PS-129! I shared my
 puddin' which you man! I gave you my Snack Pack! (to Joey) See, he pretend
 he don't even here me!
 Joey: I-I think everybody's pretending they don't hear you. Anyway,
 look, I don't know about you and your jackets and your separate tables, but Ross is
 one of my best friends, and if I save him a seat, I'm telling you, he will sit
 in it! (Ross enters and goes over to the white table) Ross! Ross! Over here, man! I-I
 saved you seat.
 Ross: That's okay, I'm cool over here. I'll catch up with you
 later, Joey. (Joey is shocked.)
 (Another woman enters without a coat or blazer and tries to sit at the  blue'
 table.)
 Tour Guide: Op, this is saved. (Joey wonders why) Gift shop.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is eating dinner, Monica and Rachel are sitting on
 the couch.]
 Ross: (entering) Hey, uh, I'm really, really sorry about what happened in
 the cafeteria today.
 Joey: It's no big deal. Hey, y'know, you do what you gotta do. Right?
 Ross: But hey, it's not just me, I mean the scientists and the tour guides never
 sit together.
 Joey: Whatever.
 Ross: It's like that everywhere, Joey! Okay, Mon, back me up here. Where
 you work the uh, waiters eat with the waiters, right? And the chefs eat with the other
 chefs, right?
 Monica: I eat by myself in the alley because everybody hates me.
 Joey: Look, Ross, really it's-it's no big deal. Y'know you wear a
 white coat, I wear a blue blazer, if that means we can't be friends at work, then so
 be it. Y'know, hey I understand. Y'know? Hey, when I'm in a play and
 you're in the audience, I don't talk to you, right? So it's y'know,
 it's uh, it's cool. I'll see you tomorrow. (Leaves)
 Rachel: Yeah, when we're in the audience he doesn't talk to us, but he
 does wave.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Phoebe is there with her puppy and is
 trying to sing it to sleep as Chandler enters.]
 Chandler: Hi.
 Monica: Hey!
 Chandler: Why is Phoebe singing to Carl Mulden?
 Phoebe: Ooh, y'know what, I think it's time for puppy to go out again.
 Come on, let's go to the balcony.
 Monica: What?!
 Phoebe: Umm, the street. Come on, let's go to the street. Ooh, listen,
 don't go onto the balcony until after I get back. (Leaves)
 Monica: (to Chandler) So, did you do it?
 Chandler: Yes, yes, we had the sex.
 Monica: Uh-oh, it was bad?
 Chandler: It was fine, y'know? But she didn't agree with me as
 strongly as she agreed with Joey. She was more like, 'I see you point, I'm all
 right with it.'
 Monica: Well, it was the first time. Y'know, there's not always a lot
 of agreement the first time.
 Rachel: Yeah, not girls anyway, guys agree (snaps her fingers) like that.
 Chandler: Look, you have to help me! Okay? I mean, I know what to do with a
 woman, y'know, I know where everything goes, it's always nice. But I need to
 know what makes it go from nice to, 'My God! Somebody's killing her in
 there!'
 Monica: All right, I'm gonna show you something a lot of guys don't
 know. Rach, give me that pad, please? (She does so and Monica starts drawing on it) All
 right. Now
 Chandler: Look, you don't have to draw an actual wo whoa! She's
 hot!
 Monica: Now everybody knows the basic erogenous zones. (She starts labelling
 them) You got one, two three, four (Chandler is shocked to find out there's more than
 three), five, six, and seven!
 Chandler: (shocked) There are seven?!
 Rachel: Let me see that. (Monica shows her) Oh, yeah.
 Chandler: (Points to one) That's one?
 Monica: It's kind of an important one!
 Chandler: Oh, y'know-y'know what, I was looking at it upside down.
 Rachel: Well, y'know, sometimes that helps. (She realises what that
 could've meant.)
 Monica: (continuing) Now, most guys will hit uh, 1-2-3 and then go to 7 and set
 up camp.
 Chandler: That-that's bad?


Rachel: Well if you go to Disneyland, you don't spend the whole
 day on the Materhorn.
 Chandler: Well you might if it were anything like 7!
 Monica: All right uh, the important thing is to take your time, you want to hit
  em all, and you mix  em up. You gotta keep them on their toes.
 Rachel: Oo, toes!! Well, for some people. (Chandler eyes her and her toes.)
 Monica: All right. Umm, you could uh start out with a little 1, a 2, a 1-2-3, 3,
 5, a 4, a 3-2, 2, a 2-4-6, 2-4-6, 4, (Rachel starts getting worked up) 2, 2, 4-7, 5-7,
 6-7, 7,  7.. 7 7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7 (mouths 7)! (They both lean
 back on the couch satisfied.)
 [Scene: The museum cafeteria, Joey is eating with the tour guides as Ross enters.]
 Older Scientist: Dr. Geller, there's a seat over here. (Motions to
 an empty chair at the  white' table.)
 Ross: Thank you, Dr. Phillips, but I'm having my lunch at this table, here
 in the middle. I'm having lunch right here, with my good friend Joey, if he'll
 sit with me.
 Joey: (standing up) I will sit with you Dr. Geller. (He goes over to his table
 and they shake hands.)
 Ross: Y'know, we work in a museum of natural history, and yet there is something
 unnatural about the way we eat lunch. Now, I look around this cafeteria, and y'know
 what I see, I see-I see division. Division, between people in white coats and people in
 blue blazers, and I ask myself, 'My God why?!' Now, I say we shed these-these
 coats that separate us, and we get to know the people underneath. (He takes off his coat
 and throws it down.) I'm Ross! I'm divorced, and I have a kid!
 Joey: (stands up, and throws his coat on the floor) I'm Joey! I'm an
 actor! I don't know squat about dinosaurs!
 Another Tour Guide: (standing up and removing his coat) I'm Ted, and I just
 moved here a month ago, and New York really scares me.
 Ross: All right, there you go!
 Joey: Yeah, you hang in there Teddy!
 Older Scientist: I'm Andrew, and I didn't pay for this pear.
 Ross: Okay, good-good for you.
 Tour Guide: I'm Rhonda, (motions to her breasts) and these aren't
 real! (Joey and Ross look at each other, shocked)
 Ross: Wow, Rhonda.
 Another Scientist: I'm Scott.
 Ross: Yeah, okay, Scott!
 Another Scientist: And I need to flip the light switch on and off 17 times
 before I leave a room or my family will die.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, with the puppy, Monica, and Rachel are sitting on the
 couch.]
 Phoebe: My mom's gonna be here any minute. I can't do this, I
 can't give him up. Yes no, I can. I don't want to. But I can. No.
 Rachel: Oo, I can't watch this, it's like Sophie's Choice.
 Monica: Y'know, I never saw that.
 Rachel: Ooh, it was only okay.
 Phoebe: Ooh, I can't do this. My mom was right. If I can't-if I
 can't give him up, then there's no way I can give up a baby. Ohh, God, Frank and
 Alice are gonna be so crushed. What-what else, what else can I give  em a
 kidney!
 Alice: (entering with Frank) Hi!
 Frank: Hi!
 Alice: Uhh, we were just in the neighbourhood, so
 Frank: Yeah, so we just thought we'd stop by and let you know there's
 still no pressure.
 Alice: None. But if there was something you wanted to tell us, we're just
 gonna be right over there (points to the counter) having coffee.
 Phoebe: Okay.
 Frank: (noticing the puppy) Oh, who's this little guy?! (Grabs the puppy)
 Phoebe: Oh! Ooh! Umm!
 Frank: Oh, he's so cute, he reminds me of my old dog, Tumour.
 Alice: You are so precious, I could just take you home.
 Phoebe: Hey, why don't you?
 Frank: Are you serious?
 Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah!
 Frank: Oh, thanks.
 Monica: What are you doing?
 Phoebe: No, I'm really okay with this. Y'know why?  Cause look at
 them, and I made that, so  I know it's gonna be like a million times harder to
 give up a baby but, oh my God, it's gonna feel like a million times better, right? I
 wanna do this. (To Frank and Alice) I wanna carry your baby.
 Alice: (shocked) Oh! Oh! Oh! Thank you so much! You don't know what this
 means to us! Oh!
 Frank: Oh my God, I think I'm gonna cry!
 Monica: It's gonna be so great.
 Phoebe Sr: (entering) Hi! What's going on?
 Phoebe: Oh, I-I gave them the puppy and it made them so happy that I decided
 I'm gonna carry their baby.
 Phoebe Sr: But Phoebe
 Phoebe: No-no-no, I know, but you and I are different people though, and this is
 a totally different situation, and I know that I am not gonna regret this.
 Phoebe Sr: Oh, I-I-I understand all that, but it's just that was my
 puppy.


 The One With The Embryos
 The One With The Embryos
 Written by: Jill Condon & Amy Toomin
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, it's 0-Dark:30, in other words it's really,
 really early. Everyone's asleep, and all through the apartments not a creature was
 stirring, not even a mouse. That is except for the chick, who turns out to be a rooster
 and is crowing in the sun. Needless to say, this awakens Monica and Rachel who rush into
 their living room, searching for the cause of the sound.]
 Rachel: What the hell is that?!! (to Monica) What the hell is that? Is
 that you? (Monica nods her head no, and Rachel realizes what is making that sound.)
 Ohhhhhhh! (storms over to Chandler and Joey's with Monica in trail.)
 Monica: Boy, you are really not a morning person.
 Rachel: (angrily) BACK OFF!!! (She starts banging on their door.) Get up! Get
 up! Get up! God damn it! Get up, get up, get up, get up, get up!!
 (Chandler opens the door, finally.)
 Rachel: What is that noise?
 Chandler: You!
 Joey: It's the chick! She's going through some changes.
 Monica: What kind of changes?
 Chandler: Well the vet seems to think that's she's becoming a rooster.
 (The rooster crows.) We're getting a second opinion.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, it's later that morning, everybody has gotten up and
 Ross and Phoebe has joined them for breakfast. Rachel is returning from shopping.]
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Ross: Hey, what are you doing shopping at eight in the morning?
 Rachel: Well, I've been up since six. Thanks to somebody's
 dumb-ass rooster.
 Phoebe: You guys you really should get rid of those animals. They shouldn't
 be living in an apartment.
 Rachel: Yeah! Especially not with all of these knives and cookbooks around
 Phoebe: All right. I'm gonna go to the fertility doctor and um, see if
 I'm ready to have Frank and Alice's embryo transferred into my uterus.
 Ross: Now, how will they know if you're ready?
 Phoebe: Oh, they're just gonna umm, look to see if my endometria layer is
 thick.
 Chandler: Oh, I can uh, check that for ya.
 Phoebe: Okay everyone, think thick.
 All: Good-bye! Good luck! (She opens the door to reveal Monica and Joey.)
 Phoebe: Hi! Wish me luck!
 Monica: Oh, good luck.
 Joey: Good luck. (to Monica) And I'm still right!
 Monica: That is sooo not true!
 Rachel: What?
 Joey: She's mad because I know today's her laundry day and that means
 she's wearing her old lady underpants.
 Chandler: I can check that for ya.
 Monica: I just I can't believe that you think that you and Chandler
 know me and Rachel better than we know you.
 Chandler: Well  we-we do. You can only eat Tic Tacks in even
 numbers.
 Joey: Yeah, what's that about?
 Chandler: (to Rachel) And you  Ross, I believe, if you check Rachel's
 bag you will find a half-eaten box of cookies in there.
 Ross: (He does so, and finds a half-eaten box of cookies.) You're good.
 (Tries a cookie.) These are not.
 Rachel: I'm so not impressed. Everybody snacks when they shop.
 Monica: Yeah.
 Joey: Oh yeah? Ross, how many items left in that bag?
 Ross: Five.
 Chandler: Okay, ten bucks says that we can name every item in that bag.
 Rachel: How many guesses do you get?
 Joey: Six.
 Ross: Challenge extended.
 Monica: Deal!
 Ross: Challenge excepted.
 Joey: All right, we'll start with apples.
 Ross: We'll be starting with apples.
 Chandler: (to Ross) Stop that now!
 (Ross reveals a bag of apples.)
 Chandler: Yes!
 Joey: Okay. Uhh, tortilla chips, yogurt.
 Chandler: Diet soda.
 Ross: Yes. Yes. Yes. (They're perfect so far.)
 Chandler: Orange juice.
 Rachel: No! There's no orange juice in there! We win!!
 Monica: Ha-ha!
 Ross: They have another guess.
 Rachel: Okay, well, we won that one.
 Joey: Okay, the last thing
 Chandler: Oh-oh, oh, oh-oh! (Whispers something in Joey's ear.)
 Joey: No-no, not for like another two weeks.
 Chandler: I got it! Scotch  tape. (They're right.)
 Ross: How did you know she would buy scotch tape?
 Chandler: Well, we used there's up last night making scary faces.
 Monica: Aww, man!
 Chandler: All right! Ten buck! Fork it over! Cough it up! Pay the piper! Gimme
 it.
 Monica: That does not mean you know us better, I-I want a rematch.
 Rachel: Yeah, and none of these stupid grocery questions, real personal
 questions.
 Monica: Yeah! And the winner gets a hundred bucks.
 Joey: Serious?
 Monica: Are you scared?
 Joey: No! All right, who-who makes up the questions?
 Monica: Ross will do it.
 Ross: Oh sure, 'Ross will do it!' It's not like he has a job, or
 a child, or a life of his own.
 Rachel: Fine! We'll ask Phoebe.
 Ross: No-no-no, I-I wanna play.
 [Scene: The Doctor's office, Dr. Zane is examining Phoebe as Frank and Alice
 watch.]
 Dr. Zane: It looks like your uterus is ready for implantation.


Phoebe: Oh! I knew it! I knew it! I felt really thick this morning.
 Frank: Well, okay, so what's now go get, go get the eggs, put  em
 in there.
 Dr. Zane: Okay, it'll take just a little while to prepare the embryos.
 Phoebe: Embryossss? As in, 'More than one?'
 Dr. Zane: Um-hmm, five actually.
 Phoebe: Five? Okay, where am I giving birth, a hospital or a big box under the
 stairs?
 Dr. Zane: We do five because that gives you a 25% chance that at least one will
 attach.
 Phoebe: That's it! 25 percent? That means that's it's like 75
 percent chance of no baby at all!
 Frank: Hey, y'know I was thinking, what are the odds like if-if, if you
 stuff like 200 of them in there?
 Alice: Sweety, now, she's a woman, not a gumball machine.
 Phoebe: Okay, well y'know what, don't worry you guys,  cause
 I'm-I'm gonna do this as many times as it takes to get it right.
 Frank: Well, you see, the-the thing is, we-we only got, we kinda have one shot
 to make it right.
 Alice: Umm, it costs $16,000 each time you do this. So, umm, we're kinda
 using all the money we have to do it just this one time.
 Phoebe: Whoa!! That okay, that's a lot of pressure on me and my
 uterus. (to Dr. Zane) So, well okay, so is there is maybe is there something that I
 can do y'know just to like help make sure I get pregnant?
 Dr. Zane: No, I'm sorry.
 Phoebe: Wow! You guys really don't know anything!
 Frank: I know! Why don't you get drunk! That worked for a lot of girls in
 my high school.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the game is about to begin.]
 Monica: You guys! Do you realize that any minute now, Phoebe can be pregnant?
 Joey: Huh.
 Rachel: I know! I know, it's such a huge, life-altering thing.
 Joey: I know.
 (They all pause and think about it.)
 Ross: The test is ready.
 All: Yeah! Yes! (They all right into the living room, all excited.)
 Ross: Okay, each team will answer ten questions. The first team that answers the
 most questions wins. Okay, the categories are, Fears and Pet Peeves, Ancient History,
 Literature, and It's All Relative. Now, the coin toss to see who goes first. (He
 flips the coin and they all watch it hit the table and stop. Then they all look up at him,
 to see who goes first.) Okay, somebody call it this time.
 All: Oh yeah!
 (Ross flips the coin again.)
 Rachel: Tails!
 Ross: It's heads. (The guys celebrate.) Gentlemen, pick your category.
 Chandler: Fears and Pet Peeves.
 Ross: What is Monica's biggest pet peeve?
 Joey: Animals dressed as humans.
 Ross: That's correct. Ladies?
 Monica: Same category?
 Ross: According to Chandler, what phenomenon scares the bejeezus out of him?
 Monica: Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance!
 Ross: That is correct.
 Joey: (to Chandler) The Irish gig guy?!
 Chandler: His legs flail about as if independent of his body!
 Ross: Gentlemen, you're pick.
 Joey: It's All Relative.
 Ross: Monica and I have a grandmother who died, you both went to her funeral,
 name that grandmother!
 Joey: (to Chandler) Nana?
 Chandler: She has a real name.
 Joey: (answering the question) Althea!
 Chandler: Althea?! What are you doing?!
 Joey: I took a shot.
 Chandler: You're shooting with Althea?!
 Ross: Althea is correct.
 Chandler: Nice shooting!
 (Ross motions for the girls to pick.)
 Rachel: We'll take Literature!!
 Ross: Every week, the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joey's apartment. What
 name appears on the address label?
 Rachel: Chandler gets it! It's Chandler Bing!
 Monica: No!!
 Ross: I'm afraid the TV Guide comes to Chinandolor Bong.
 Monica: I knew that! Rachel! Use you're head!
 Chandler: Actually, it's Miss Chinandolor Bong.
 [Scene: The Doctor's office, Phoebe is giving a pep talk to the petrie dish
 containing the embryos.]
 Phoebe: Hello, tiny embryos. Well, I'm-I'm Phoebe Buffay, hi!
 I'm-I'm-I'm hoping to be your uterus for the next nine months. You should
 know, that we're doing this for Frank and Alice, who you know, you've been
 there! Umm, y'know they want you so much, so when you guys get in there, really grab
 on. Okay, and-and I promise that I'll keep you safe and warm until you're ready
 to have them take you home, so  Oh! And also, umm next time you see me, I'm
 screaming, don't worry, that's what's supposed to happen.
 Dr. Zane: Ready?
 Phoebe: Uh-huh. (To the embryos) Good luck.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the game is coming to a close.]
 Ross: All right, the score is nine to eight in favor of the guys. Ladies if you
 miss this the game is theirs, pick your category.
 Rachel: (shouting) It's All Relative!!
 Ross: You don't have to shout everything.
 Rachel: (shouting) I'm sorry!
 Ross: Ooh. What is the name of Chandler's father's Las Vegas all-male
 burlesque?


Monica: Viva Las Gaygas!
 Chandler: Unfortunately that is correct.
 The Girls: Yes!!
 Ross: All right, we have a tie. Luckily, I have prepared for such an event. (He
 opens up an envelope and holds up some note cards.) The Lightning Round!
 All: Ohhhh.
 Ross: Thirty seconds, all the questions you can answer.
 Monica: You guys are dead, I am so good at lighting rounds.
 Chandler: I majored in lightning rounds. All right, we're gonna destroy
 you.
 Monica: Huh, wanna bet?
 Chandler: Well, I'm so confused as to what we've been doing so
 far
 Monica: How about we play for more money, say 150?
 Ross: 150 dollars.
 Chandler: Say 200?
 Ross: 200 dollars.
 Monica: You're doing it again.
 Ross: Excuse me.
 Rachel: Monica, I don't want to lose 200 dollars.
 Monica: We won't. (to Chandler) 300?
 Rachel: Monica?!
 Monica: I'm just trying to spice it up!
 Rachel: Okay, so let's play for some pepper! Stop spending my money!
 Monica: I got it! How about, if we win, they have to get rid of the rooster?
 Rachel: Oooohh that's interesting.
 Joey: Hey, no way, that rooster's family!
 Rachel: Throw in the duck too!
 Joey: What do you have against the duck?! He doesn't make any noise!
 Rachel: Well, he gets the other one all riled up.
 Joey: Look, we are not gonna
 Chandler: (interrupting) All right, hold on! If you win, we give up the birds.
 Joey: (shocked) Dah!! (Chandler motions for him to calm down.)
 Chandler: But if we win, we get your apartment.
 Joey: Oooooh!
 Monica: Deal!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier, only slightly later.]
 Rachel: Monica, betting the apartment, I don't know about this.
 Monica: Rachel, I have not missed one question the whole game. I own this game!
 Look at my hand. (Holds up her hand.)
 Rachel: Why? Do you have the answers written on there?
 Monica: No! Steady as a rock! Now, are you with me.
 Rachel: All right, let's do it.
 Monica: Come on!
 Rachel: Okay. (They go into the living room.)
 Ross: All right, gentlemen, you're up first.
 Joey: Okay.
 Chandler: Okay. (Starts jumping around.)
 Ross: You have 30 seconds. And the lightning round begins stop it (Chandler
 stops jumping) now. What was Monica's nickname when she was a field hockey
 goalie?
 Joey: Big fat goalie.
 Ross: Correct. Rachel claims this is her favorite movie
 Chandler: Dangerous Liaisons.
 Ross: Correct. Her actual favorite movie is...
 Joey: Weekend at Bernie's.
 Ross: Correct. In what part of her body did Monica get a pencil stuck at age 14?
 Chandler: Oh! (Whispers something in Joey's ear and then in Ross's
 ear.)
 Ross: Eww! No!! Her ear! All right, Monica categorizes her towels. How many
 categories are there?
 (They both confer.)
 Joey: Everyday use.
 Chandler: Fancy.
 Joey: Guest.
 Chandler: Fancy guest.
 Ross: Two seconds
 Joey: Uhh, 11!
 Ross: 11, unbelievable 11 is correct. (The guys celebrate.) All right,
 that's 4 for the guys. Ladies, you're up.
 Rachel: All right!
 Monica: Come on!
 (As they change places, they give each other the now patented Ross maneuver. If you
 don't know what that means, click here to find out The One With Joey's New
 Girlfriend.)
 Ross: 30 seconds on the clock. 5 questions wins the game. The lightning round
 begins now! What is Joey's favorite food?
 Monica: Sandwiches!
 Ross: Correct. Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl's breast?
 Rachel: 14?
 Ross: No, 19.
 Chandler: Thanks man.
 Ross: Joey, had an imaginary childhood friend. His name was?
 Monica: Maurice.
 Ross: Correct, his profession was?
 Rachel: Space cowboy!
 Ross: Correct! What is Chandler Bing's job?
 (The girls are stumped)
 Rachel: Oh gosh, it has something to do with numbers.
 Monica: And processing.
 Rachel: He carries a briefcase.
 Ross: 10 seconds, you need this or you lose the game.
 Monica: It's umm, it has something to do with transponding.
 Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, he's a transponce transpondster!
 Monica: That's not even a word! I can get this! I can get this!
 (Ross stops the clock, signifying the end of the lightning round.)
 Monica: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
 Rachel: Oh my God.
 Chandler and Joey: YEAH!!! YES!!!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Joey are carrying
 in the foosball table.]
 Joey: I call Monica's room!
 Chandler: You can't just call Monica's room.
 Joey: Sure I can, standard shotgun rules, I'm sight of the room and I
 called it.
 (Chandler grunts and turns around, sees that he's in sight of the room, and mouths
 damn!)
 Monica: Man, I feel like I'm coming down with something.
 Joey: What?
 Monica: Yeah. (to Chandler) I bet you can't guess what color my tonsils
 are? I'll bet the apartment!
 Chandler: Oh, I would never bet this apartment. It's too nice.
 Phoebe: (entering) Hey!


Chandler: Hey!
 Joey: Hey ooh Pheebs, are they in there?
 Phoebe: Umm, yeah, uh-huh, they're implanted.
 Monica: How do you feel?
 Phoebe: Well, freaked.  Cause it turns out that the odds are really sucky.
 And! This is Frank and Alice's like only shot. Like, they are literally
 putting all of their eggs in my basket.
 Chandler: Yeah, but I bet it works.
 Monica: Really?! How much?!
 Phoebe: All right, I'm gonna go take a pregnancy test, right now.
 Joey: Oh wow! You can tell this soon.
 Phoebe: Well the doctor says it takes a couple days, but my body's always
 been a little faster than Western medicine.
 Rachel: (entering from Chandler's bedroom, I guess, and sees the foosball
 table.) Oh my God! I can't believe you guys are actually think you're moving in
 here!
 Chandler: Well believe it baby!
 Rachel: Well I-I-I'm not moving.
 Joey: What?!
 Rachel: No, it was a stupid bet! We were just playing a game!
 Joey: You can't just ignore the bet! It's a bet! You bet and you bet
 and if you lose, you lose the bet!
 Monica: Look Rach, we have to move. I mean if they had lost, we would've
 made them get rid of the birds. Right?
 Rachel: Noooo.
 Monica: All right, look, I hate this as much as you, but if it makes you feel
 better, it's all your fault.
 Rachel: What?!
 Monica: Chinadolor Bong, come on, we steal that TV Guide every week!
 Chandler: I knew it!
 Rachel: I don't care, I'm not going anywhere.
 Chandler: Cool, girl roommate.
 (Phoebe comes in from the bathroom as Rachel sits down in disgust.)
 Monica: Well?
 Phoebe: Nope, not knocked up yet.
 Monica: It's only been a couple of hours, so just give it some time.
 Phoebe: Yeah, all right. Meanwhile, I'm gonna do whatever I can to help
 this so, I'm just gonna y'know, lie it your chair, (She climbs into the chair
 and drapes her feet over the back of the chair.) Y'know? Yeah, good, I'm let gravity
 y'know, do its jobs.
 [Cut too later, the moving process is progressing steadily. Monica is trying to lift a
 heavy box, as Rachel comes in from Chandler's bedroom.]
 Monica: Hey, Rach, can you give me a hand with this box?
 Rachel: No! Put that box down! We are not going anywhere! This is my apartment
 and I like it! This is a girl's apartment! That is a boy's apartment, it's
 dirty and it smells. This is pretty. It's-it's so pretty! And look, and
 it's-it's purple! And I'm telling you, you with the steady hand, I am not
 moving, and now I have got the steady hand. (She holds out her hand, which is
 shaking uncontrollably.)
 Monica: I'll take care of it.
 Rachel: That's right! You do what the hand says!
 [Cut to later, Phoebe is still in the chair and Rachel is laying down as Monica
 enters.]
 Rachel: How did it go?
 Monica: I lost our mattresses.
 [Cut to still later, Rachel has now resigned herself to move and is now helping Monica.
 Phoebe is still on the chair.]
 Phoebe: (singing) 'Are you in there little fetus?

 In nine will you come great us?

 I will buy you some Adidas.'
 (There's a knock on the door and Monica answers it.)
 Monica: Hey!
 Frank and Alice: (entering) Hi!
 Alice: Hi, Phoebe! We were just at the drugstore and we got you a little
 present.
 Phoebe: Oh. Oh.
 Frank: Umm, it's a lollipop and a uh, a home pregnancy test.
 Monica: Hey, don't mix those up, you could really ruin that lollipop.
 Alice: So umm, you feel like taking a test? There's only one question.
 Phoebe: All right, I will. No, I will. But umm, y'know just remember that
 it's still really early, okay so, if it says that I'm not pregnant, that
 doesn't mean that I'm not gonna get pregnant, okay and, and just please,
 just so I don't go completely nuts, just try not put all your hopes on this.
 Alice: Okay.
 Frank: Okay. (They both squeal in expectation.)
 Phoebe: Great. (Goes to take the test.)
 (The door opens and Joey and Chandler ride in on the big, fake dog in triumph)
 Rachel: Y'know what, you are mean boys, who are just being mean!
 Joey: Hey, don't get mad at us! No one forced you to raise the stakes!
 Rachel: That is not true. She did! She forced me!
 Monica: Hey, we would still be living here if hadn't gotten the question
 wrong!
 Rachel: Well it stupid, unfair question!
 Ross: Don't blame the questions!
 Chandler: Would you all stop yelling in our apartment! You are ruining moving
 day for us!
 Rachel: Will you stop calling it your apartment!
 Joey: But it is our apartment!
 Rachel: No it's not!
 (They all decay into massive bickering as Phoebe returns from the bathroom.)


 The One With Rachel's Crush
 The One With Rachel's Crush
 Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: A Theatre, Chandler and Ross are there to watch the premiere of Kathy's
 play.]
 Chandler: Okay, she is the star of the play. And she is my girlfriend! I
 get to have sex with the star of the play!
 Ross: People can hear you.
 Chandler: I know!!
 (The play starts.)
 Chandler: Wow! She looks great. Doesn't she?
 Ross: Yeah.
 (Onstage there's a knock on the door and Kathy opens it. We don't see
 what's going on, only hear it.)
 Kathy's Co-Star: Hi!
 Kathy: Hi!
 Ross: That is one good looking man!
 Chandler: Is it just me, or can you actually see his abs through his overcoat?!
 Kathy's Co-Star: Sooo, you've been doing this long?
 Kathy: No, you're my first. Put the money on the table.
 (Ross and Chandler have stunned looks on their faces as Kathy and her co-star start
 making out.)
 Kathy's Co-Star: Oh, yeah! Ooh, that's nice. (They start making out
 harder.)
 Ross: Dude!
 Kathy's Co-Star: Is that an expensive blouse?
 Kathy: If you want it to be.
 (Kathy's co-star rips her blouse off and buttons go flying into the audience, and
 one hits Ross. Chandler's mouth is on the floor.)
 Ross: Here's your girlfriend's button. (Holding the button.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica is still unpacking after
 the move, and Phoebe is their also.]
 Phoebe: Oh, hey, Mon, do you still have your like old blouses and dresses from
 high school?
 Monica: Yeah, I think I have some around here somewhere. Why?
 Phoebe: Well, it's just that maternity clothes are so expensive.
 (Rachel enters)
 Monica: Hey, Rach! I made a pile of your stuff over on this side of the room. If
 you could just (Rachel grunts and throws her purse at it) throw your purses at
 it.
 Rachel: Bloomingdale's eliminated my department. (Phoebe gasps)
 Monica: Oh my God, are you out of a job?
 Rachel: No, but they stuck me in personal shopping. Which is just a huge
 step down!
 Phoebe: Personal shopping? What is that? Like where you walk around with snooty
 rich people and tell them what to buy?
 Rachel: Uh-huh.
 Phoebe: That sounds great!
 Joey: (entering) Hey! (Goes to the fridge.)
 Monica: Umm, excuse me, we switched apartments. You can't eat are food
 anymore, that-that gravy train had ended.
 Joey: (Holding a turkey leg) There's gravy?
 Monica: If you have the big apartment you have to deal with people coming over
 all the time. That fridge has got to be stocked, okay, that's your department now.
 (She takes back the turkey leg)
 (Joey climbs up on the counter and starts looking at the top of the cabinets.)
 Monica: What are you doing?
 Joey: I think I left a donut up here.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler are entering after the play. Phoebe and Joey
 are already there.]
 Ross: Hey!
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Joey: Hey!
 Phoebe: Ooh! How was Kathy's play?
 Ross: Well, Kathy gets half-naked and simulates sex with a real good
 lookin' guy.
 Chandler: Yeah, it's like someone literally wrote down my worst
 nightmare and then charged me $32 to see it!
 Phoebe: That's a good idea for a business!
 Chandler: I'm totally screwed. Okay, they are gonna be hot and heavy on
 stage every night, and then they're gonna go to their cast parties and he's
 gonna try to undermine me. Y'know it'll be like, 'So where's your
 boyfriend, what's-his-name, Chester?' And she'll go, 'No-no-no,
 it's Chandler.' And he'll go, 'Whatever. Ha-ha-ha-ha!'
 Joey: (to Ross) That-that is a good trick.
 Chandler: All right, look, look, what am I gonna do?
 Joey: Chandler, look they're actors. They're there to do a job, just
  cause they work together, doesn't mean they're gonna get together. I mean
 just  cause it happened with Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, it doesn't mean
 it's gonna happen with them.
 Ross: Oh-oh, Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger.
 Joey: Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman.
 Ross: Yeah.
 Phoebe: Hey, Mel Gibson and Clint Eastwood.
 Ross: They're not a couple!
 Phoebe: Oh-okay, I get the game now.
 Joey: Okay look, look, let me ask you a question, when they were doing it on
 stage, was it like really hot?
 Ross: Oh yeah!
 Joey: Well okay, so then you're fine. The rule is when two actors are
 actually doing it off-stage all the sexual tension between them is gone. Okay? So as long
 as it's hot onstage you got nothing to worry about. It's when the heat goes
 away, that's when you're in trouble.
 Chandler: Really?
 Joey: Look, you guys have been to every play I've ever been in, have I ever
 had chemistry on stage?
 Ross: No.
 Joey: Noooo!!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, the gang minus Monica and Rachel
 are eating breakfast. Ross and Chandler are sitting at the foosball table and eating.]


Chandler: So uh, man, are you gonna go to the play with me tonight?
 Ross: Y'know what, I don't know how comfortable I am going to see how
 hot the sex is between some guy and your girlfriend.
 Chandler: Yeah, I know but
 Ross: Oh no-no-no, I'm there.
 Monica: (entering) Hey!
 Joey: Hey Mon! Want some pancakes?
 Monica: You made pancakes?
 Joey: Yep! Grab a plate.
 Monica: Okay. (She does so and starts to walk towards Joey to receive her
 pancakes.)
 Joey: No-no, stay right there. (Monica stops and Joey flips her a pancake, which
 flies over her head and lands in the living room.) Gettin' closer.
 Chandler: Okay, okay, but don't worry, because we also have cereals,
 muffins, waffles, and, jams, jellies, and marmalades. Which I'm fairly certain
 are the same thing.
 Joey: Listen also we're uh, we're watching the game here Saturday
 night, if people want to come over.
 Ross: Oh yeah!
 Monica: Oh, I was thinking about having people over for the game.
 Joey: Oh yeah, who's playing?
 Monica: The players.
 Ross: Somebody seems to be missing being the hostess.
 Monica: (laughs) Please, it's a relief is what it is, is what it is.
 Joey: All right Pheebs, stick out your plate!
 Phoebe: Oh. (Joey flips the pancake and Phoebe catches it and throws it on her
 plate.)
 [Scene: Bloomingdale's, Rachel's new job.]
 Rachel: (on the phone) Monica, I'm quitting! I just helped an 81 year old
 woman put on a thong and she didn't even buy it! (Pause) I'm telling you
 I'm quitting! That's it! I'm talking to my boss right now! (Pause) Yes I
 am! (Pause) Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Okay bye, call me when you
 get this message. (Hangs up as her boss, Mr. Waltham, walks in.) Oh! Mr. Waltham, I ah
 really need to talk to you.
 Mr. Waltham: In a moment, please, I'm in the middle of a task. And you have
 a customer.
 (It's a really good-looking man, Joshua, that Rachel has an instant crush on. Well
 actually it's Tate Donovan, so it's not like she's really testing her
 acting skills.)
 Rachel: Hi!
 Joshua: Hi, I'm Joshua.
 Rachel: Hi, I'm Rachel Green. What can I do for you Joshua?
 Joshua: Well, I need a whole new wardrobe. My wife, well my ex-wife
 Rachel: Oh, I'm so sorry.
 (He walks over to look and some clothes and Rachel quickly turns around and adjusts her
 bra, trying to show off her assets.)
 Joshua: Anyway, she burned all of my clothes. I got away with two things. This
 suit and what turned out to be a skirt.
 Rachel: Well, at least that's a great suit.
 Joshua: Yeah, but it wasn't much fun dropping it off at the dry cleaners in
 the skirt. (Rachel laughs) So I need everything down to underwear, so if you're
 willing, I'm all yours.
 Rachel: Okay.
 Mr. Waltham: Rachel, you needed to speak to me?
 Rachel: No-no, that wasn't me! (To Joshua) Well, we should get started. Let
 me show you my underwear. (Joshua turns at that) The selection of underwear we carry.
 (He walks out and Rachel stares at his butt as he leaves. He makes a wrong turn.)
 Rachel: Oh-oh, sorry, it's this way, it's this way. (Motions to the
 correct way.)
 Joshua: It's this way? Sorry. (He walks past her and she again admires his
 butt.)
 [Scene: Kathy's play, Ross and Chandler are waiting for her in the lobby after the
 play.]
 Chandler: I'm right! Right? There was like no chemistry between them.
 Before they had heat, and now there's no heat! Now you know what this means, Joey
 told us what this means!
 Ross: All right, let's not jump to any conclusions. All right? There was
 some sexual chemistry between them.
 Chandler: Come on, it was like cousins having sex up there!
 Ross: Here she comes. Don't say a word, okay? Just be cool, don't
 be y'know you.
 Kathy: Hey you guys!
 Ross: Hey!
 Kathy: Hi! (Kisses Chandler) Thank you so much for coming again. Did you like it
 tonight?
 Ross: Oh, absolutely! (Chandler mumbles something.)
 Kathy: Wasn't Nick funny when he couldn't get his match lit?
 (Chandler laughs without opening his mouth.)
 Kathy: It's a good play, isn't it?
 (Chandler mumbles something, and Ross tells him to 'Come on.')
 Chandler: Oh, I loved the play. You were great, and Nick ditto. Clearly
 you're having sex with him.
 Ross: Okay, I  (Walks away.)
 Kathy: Clearly, I'm having sex with him?
 Chandler: Oh come on, it was so obvious! There was no chemistry between you two!
 Kathy: Okay, so let me just get this straight. You're accusing me of
 cheating on you, and insulting my performance?
 Chandler: Y'know, I-I could see how this could happen, y'know you're
 up there every night, you're naked, touching, kissing.
 Kathy: Acting! Chandler, this is my job! I'm-I'm playing a part in a
 play! How can you not trust me?!


Chandler: Well, you can understand, given how we started.
 Kathy: Oh, wow. I can't believe you're throwing that in my face.
 Chandler: Well, that is what happened, and I don't even see you denying
 this!
 Kathy: I'll tell you what, Chandler, why don't you call me when you
 grow up!
 Chandler: Yeah, well, don't expect that to happen anytime soon!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Phoebe, and Ross are there
 eating pizza as Rachel enters.]
 Rachel: I have the best job in the entire world! The most adorable guy came over
 today, and I got to dress him up all day!
 Phoebe: Rachel has a new doll.
 Rachel: Oh, I wish he was a doll, then I could get a Rachel doll and bump them
 together and make kissy noises. Oh! And he has the most beautiful name, I never realised
 it, Joshua! Josh-u-a! Joshua! Josh.
 Ross: Uh, hello!
 Rachel: Hi-e!!
 Phoebe: Ooh, what do I smell?
 Joey: I don't know, it smells good.
 (He goes over and opens the door to reveal Monica holding a plate of cookies and a fan
 to blow the smell across the hall.)
 Monica: Fresh cookies! Hot from the oven!
 Phoebe: Ooh! (They all go over to her apartment)
 Monica: Please, have some!
 Ross: Oh, yumm!
 Monica: Yeah, I've just been fiddling around in here making delicious
 treats for everyone.
 Joey: (Holding a magazine) Wow! The new Playboy!
 Monica: Yeah, it's just something I picked up.
 Ross: Cookies and porn, you're the best mom ever!!
 (Rachel laughs hysterically for no reason.)
 Phoebe: What? What?
 Rachel: Well, it was just something Josh said about v-necks, but you had to be
 there.
 Ross: Yeah, how does Jason look in a v-neck?
 Rachel: It's Joshua.
 Ross: Oh, whatever. (Laughs and gives Joey the thumbs up heading back to his
 apartment. Joey follows him)
 Monica: Wait! Wait! This isn't take-out!
 Phoebe: (getting up) Well, I hate to eat and run, but
 Monica: No, wait, please don't go! I've got porn for you too!
 Phoebe: Yeah, I don't need it.
 Monica: People are supposed to wanna hang out here!
 Rachel: Why? Honey, what is the big deal?
 Monica: I'm the hostess! Not those guys! I'm always the hostess! I
 mean, I was always the hostess, I mean even when I was little, I mean the girls brought
 their dollies to my tea party, I-I served the best air.
 Phoebe: Well, why did you make like a whole big thing out of y'know, everyone
 has to hang out in the big apartment?
 Monica:  Cause they took our apartment, I wanted to punish them. But
 I'm-I'm done now. They've suffered enough.
 Phoebe: If you wanted to punish them, you should've just made them hang out
 here!
 Rachel: Yeah, that's true.
 Monica: All right then, when I'm done with this place, it's gonna be
 ten times better than that place!
 Phoebe: Oh, are we gonna trash that place?
 (Chandler comes back, obviously drunk, and trips over the steps.)
 Chandler: Steps! (He opens the door to his apartment to Ross and Joey looking at
 the new Playboy) Slut! (Ross and Joey quickly hide the Playboy behind
 their backs. Chandler wonders into the girl's apartment.) You will all be very happy
 to hear that Kathy is sleeping with that guy!
 All: What?!
 Ross: So you were right?
 Chandler: I confronted her, and she didn't deny it! (Pause) I don't
 live here! (Goes back into his apartment and they all follow him.)
 Ross: Chandler!
 Rachel: Chandler, what did she say?
 Phoebe: Wait a minute.
 Joey: Come here.
 Monica: Are you sure?
 Chandler: Well, I may be drunk, but I know what she said! Then I went over to Beefsteak
 Julie's
 Rachel: Beefsteak Charlie's?
 Chandler: Yes! See you and I have always been like (motions that they think
 the same.)
 [Scene: The hallway between the apartments, Monica is lugging one of those floor
 polishing machines through the hallway. Rachel comes up the steps and stops when she sees
 Monica.]
 Rachel: Whoops. (Starts to go into Chandler and Joey's.) Oh, hey, do you
 need help with that?
 Monica: Nah, I got it.
 Rachel: Ooh, I just feel bad, I never vacuum. (She goes into Chandler and
 Joey's.)
 [Cut to inside the apartment.]
 Rachel: Hi!
 All: Hey!
 Rachel: So I was with Joshua for an hour today, and he has not asked me out.
 It's just so frustrating!
 Phoebe: Why don't you ask him out?
 Joey: Oh, yeah, totally! That's such a turn-on!
 Rachel: Really? It doesn't seem desperate?
 Joey: Oh-ooh, that's the turn-on.
 Phoebe: He just got a divorce right?
 Rachel: Hmm-mmm.
 Phoebe: So he's probably really nervous around women, y'know? Maybe, you
 just have to make the first move.
 Rachel: Yeah but, I've never asked a guy out before.


Phoebe: (shocked) You've never asked a guy out?!!
 Rachel: No. Have you?
 Phoebe: Thousands of times!! That doesn't make me sound too good does it?
 Rachel: I don't even know how I would go about it.
 Joey: Oh-oh-oh-oh, how I do it is, I look a woman up and down and say,
 'Hey, how you doin'?'
 Phoebe: Oh, please!
 Joey: (to Phoebe) Hey, how you doin'?
 (Phoebe looks at him, and then giggles and looks away.)
 Rachel: You know what, I'm gonna do that, I'm gonna call him up, and
 I'm gonna ask him out. I can do that. Ask him out. (Practising) How you doin'?
 (Calls him) Hi! Joshua? It's Rachel Green from Bloomingdale's.
 (Listens) Yeah, umm, I was wondering if you umm, if you umm, left your wallet at the store
 today? Well, we found a wallet, and we (Listens) the license? Well, that is a
 good idea! Uh, well, let's see here this says this license belongs to a uh, uh,
 belongs to a mister uh, Pheebs, and umm, yeah, so sorry to bother you at home. I'll
 see you tomorrow. Bye. (Hangs up) (to Phoebe) You've done that a thousand times?
 Phoebe: I've never done that.
 Rachel: Ohh, God, I just got so nervous that he would say no.
 Joey: Well, you gotta give him something that he can't say no too. Like uh,
 Knicks tickets! Invite the guy to a Knicks game, you're guaranteed he'll say
 yes!
 Rachel: Really?! You think that will work?
 Joey: Absolutely! And if it doesn't, can I get the extra ticket?
 (We hear a noise coming from Monica and Rachel's apartment.)
 Joey: What the heck is that?
 (They go open the door and reveal Monica being spun around on the floor polisher and
 getting the cord wrapped around her legs.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross, Joey, and Phoebe are
 watching a movie as Chandler comes in from his bedroom.]
 Chandler: Did she call?
 Phoebe: No, sorry.
 Chandler: All right, maybe I should call her.
 Joey: No! Forget her, man! You don't need her, you don't need that!
 Ross: He's right, what she did was unforgivable.
 Chandler: Well, yeah, but y'know, what-what if I was wrong?
 Ross: How might you be wrong?
 Chandler: Well y'know, what if she didn't actually sleep with the guy?
 Joey: Dude, tell me she actually told you this.
 Chandler: She did not have to tell me, I saw the play, and there was no heat.
 Back me up here, Ross!
 Ross: That's all you're basing this on?
 Chandler: That's not backing me up! Look, you said with the off-stage and
 the heat, and the onstage and the oy heat.
 Joey: Whoa-whoa, that-that was just a theory! There's a lot of theories
 that didn't pan out. The lone gunman. Communism. Geometry.
 Chandler: Oh my God!!
 [Scene: Bloomingdale's, Rachel's new job, she is waiting for Joshua
 and practising how to ask him out.]
 Rachel: Would you like to go to a basketball game with me? (Tries again.) You
 know, its funny, basketball, because I happen to have tickets too  (Tries again.)
 Umm, who likes the Knicks (Joshua comes in from the dressing room.)
 Joshua: What do you think?
 Rachel: Oh! Well, as a single woman, who is available, I think you look great!
 Joshua: Huh. (She starts brushing the lint off and checking him out in the
 mirror.) Yeah?
 Rachel: Yep. Oh, yeah, look you great. (She puts her arm in his and checks how
 they would look as a couple.) Oh yeah. Yeah, this looks great. (Pause) Umm, so you like
 it?
 Joshua: I do. I do. I love it. In fact, I think I'm gonna wear it home.
 Rachel: Great.
 Joshua: All right, thank you so much for all your help.
 Rachel: Sure.
 Joshua: Well, I guess this is uh, I guess this is it.
 Rachel: Yeah-eah-ha!
 Joshua: Thanks. (He starts to leave) Maybe I'll see in the spring, with the
 uh, y'know, for the uh, bathing suits.
 Rachel: Oh well, you don't want to do that now?!
 Joshua: Ah, that's okay, thanks.
 Rachel: Okay.
 Joshua: Anyway, hopefully, I'll see you around sometime. (He goes out the
 door.)
 Rachel: Basketball!
 Joshua: (coming back in) I'm sorry.
 Rachel: I uh, I have two tickets to the Knicks game tonight if you're
 interested, just as a thank you for this week.
 Joshua: Wow! That would be great.
 Rachel: Really?
 Joshua: Yeah, that would be fantastic! My-my nephew is crazy about the Knicks!
 This is fantastic, thank you so much Rachel. (He takes the tickets and leaves as Mr.
 Waltham returns.)
 Mr. Waltham: Good morning.
 Joshua: Hi!
 (Mr. Waltham admires Joshua's butt as he leaves.)
 [Scene: Kathy's apartment, Chandler is knocking on the door.]
 Kathy: (opening the door) Hey.
 Chandler: Hey. I just, I just wanted to come over to-to say that I'm sorry.
 Y'know? I know I acted like the biggest idiot in the world, and I can completely
 understand why you were so upset.
 Kathy: Oh wow. I really wish you'd call me.


 The One With Joey's Dirty Day
 The One With Joey's Dirty Day
 Written by: Wil Calhoun
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is getting ready for a
 fishing trip and Phoebe is asking him about the fishing lures. Ross is playing with the
 rod, and Monica is pretty much just watching the on goings.]
 Phoebe: (holding a lure) So now, what is this now?
 Joey: Guggly worm.
 Phoebe: (laughs and picks up another lure) And this?
 Joey: Glow-pop giggly jammer.
 Phoebe: (laughs harder) You make it so funny.
 Monica: (not wanting to be left out, picks up something) Hey umm, what's
 this?
 Joey: (examining it) Ohh, a hunk of sandwich from last year. (Monica drops the
 sandwich)
 Ross: (pretend fishing in the living room) Ohh, Geller's got one hooked!
 Ohh! Looks like a big one! Yeah, ohh! Ohh! (Swinging the rod back and forth) It's the
 classic struggle between man and (swings the rod and knocks over a lamp.) Someone
 knocked over a lamp.
 Joey: (going over and picking up the rod) That's all right. Hey you guys,
 you know what's going to be great about the fishing trip this year? When my dad gets
 me out in the middle of the lake and gives me that, 'Joey, what are you doing with
 your life?' stuff. I can say, 'Well, I'm doing a movie with Charlton Heston
 dad. What are you doing with your life?'
 All: Great!
 (Chandler enters from his bedroom, all depressed and wearing sweat pants, with the
 chick and duck in tow.)
 Chandler: You don't have to stop having fun just because I'm here.
 Kathy didn't cheat on all of you. (To Joey) Well, except you. (They hug and Chandler
 goes into the bathroom with the chick and duck following him.)
 Monica: Hey, Joey, I don't think that you should leave Chandler alone. I
 mean it's only been two days since he broke up with Kathy. Maybe you can go fishing
 next week?
 Joey: Look, there's nothing I can do for him right now, he's still in
 his sweat pants, that's still Phase One. Y'know? I'll be back for Phase Two, I
 would never miss Phase Two.
 Monica: What's Phase Two?
 Joey: Gettin' drunk and going to a strip club.
 Rachel: How does going to a strip club help him better?
 Ross: Because there are naked ladies there.
 Joey: Which helps him get to Phase Three, picturing yourself with other women.
 Ross: There are naked ladies there too.
 Joey: Yeah.
 Chandler: (opening the bathroom door and kicking out the chick and duck) Would
 you give me one minute!! Please.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Bloomingdale's, Rachel is still dressing Joshua. He is trying on a pair of
 pants.]
 Joshua: So, these will match the jacket you picked out for me last week?
 Rachel: Um-hmm. (Joshua turns to look in the mirror and leaves Rachel staring at
 his ass.) There we go. There it is.
 Joshua: (turning around) Oh! You know what I need?
 Rachel: Yeah!
 Joshua: Gloves. Brown, leather dress gloves.
 Rachel: Oh, okay. Uhh, well let's see. (Grabs his hand.) You're
 about well uh, this one is large. And this one (Grabs the other hand.)
 Joshua: Also large?
 Rachel: Yeah! Okay, two larges coming right up!
 Joshua: Okay.
 Mr. Waltham: (entering) Rachel! Could I have a moment?
 Rachel: Yes.
 Mr. Waltham: I-I was wondering, my niece you see is in from London well
 Shropshire really but y'know well she's about your age I say. Anyway I have
 tickets for the opera, Die Fledermaus, and I was wondering if you'd like to keep her
 company this evening?
 Rachel: Sure. You got it. Great!
 Mr. Waltham: Oh, good.
 Rachel: Me, Fledermaus, great. I really (motions to Joshua.)
 Mr. Waltham: Ohh! Yes of course, thank you, thank you, thank you so very much.
 Joshua: So (Holds out his hands as to say, 'Where are my
 gloves?')
 Rachel: So? (She puts her hands in his, totally forgetting about the gloves, and
 hoping for something more intimate.)
 Joshua: Gloves?
 Rachel: Ohh! Right! Right, sorry, I'll be right back!
 Joshua: Uhh, actually y'know what, I kinda I have to take off.
 Rachel: Oh.
 Joshua: But, I was curious; do you have any plans for tonight?
 Rachel: No! Nothing!
 Joshua: I invested in this night-club and it's opening tonight, would you
 like to come?
 Rachel: Yeah! That would be great!
 Joshua: You're into hardcore S&M right?
 Rachel: (shocked) Well, I-I guess I
 Joshua: Kidding! (Rachel is relived) I'm gonna get there early, but
 I'm going to put you on the V.I.P list, okay? Look for me.
 Rachel: Yeah, great, you betcha!
 Mr. Waltham: (entering) I almost forget the tickets, didn't I?
 Rachel: What?
 Mr. Waltham: For you and Emily, tonight, Die Fledermaus.
 Rachel: Oh. Oh, right.
 Mr. Waltham: I think you'll like it, it has two out of the three tenors.


Rachel: Oh yay!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is in his sweats
 flinging playing cards into a pot.]
 Chandler: Y'know, I can't believe Kathy did this too me. I really,
 thought that she was the one. I tell you what, from now on I'm never getting out of
 this chair, ever! Okay? From now on, this chair is the one! You wanna what else is the
 one? My sweat pants!
 Ross: Come on, man! Just-just take the sweats off. Okay? Just take  em off
 and we'll have some fun.
 Joey: (entering) Hey-hey!
 Ross: Hi!
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Ross: Catch any big fish? (Phoebe, Ross, and Monica all go over to him.)
 Joey: Oh my God, you guys have no idea.
 All: (they all recoil from the smell emanating from him) Oh! God! Wow!
 Monica: You stink!
 Ross: Are you kidding?!
 Joey: Yeah, three days on the lake without a shower. Plus! I fell in that big
 tub of worms at the bait stand! Hey, how-how's he doing?
 Ross: He hasn't gotten out of that chair in two days.
 Joey: (goes over to Chandler) Hey buddy! How's it going?
 (Chandler imitates retching and gets out of the chair.)
 Joey: (To the rest of the gang) Hey, see that? He just needed his pal to come
 home. All right, uh, I've got to go memorise my lines. (Starts to go his bedroom) Me
 and Charlton Heston bright and early tomorrow morning! Yeah-yeah!
 Rachel: (entering) Hey!
 Ross: Hey!
 Rachel: Hey, Monica!
 Monica: Uh-oh, what's the matter?
 Rachel: Ohh, it's Joshua invited me to this fancy club opening tonight.
 But, I already told Mr. Waltham that I would take his niece to this dumb old opera.
 So  What are you gonna do?
 Monica: I don't know sweetie.
 Rachel: No! Help me!
 Monica: I can't! I have to work!
 Rachel: Phoebe?
 Phoebe: I would, but I get my morning sickness in the evening.
 Rachel: Ugh!
 Phoebe: Unless! She wants to spend the night holding my hair back for me.
 Rachel: Ohh, gosh. You guys, come on, this is I have to meet Joshua! This
 is my one chance for him to see the fun Rachel. Y'know the 'Wouldn't it be
 great if she was my wife' Rachel. Ohh, all right! Are Joey and Chandler back?
 Monica: No, Chandler's still in Phase One, and Joey's that thing you
 smell.
 Rachel: Ohh! (Realises that Ross is in the room.) Hi!
 Ross: Hi!
 Rachel: So .
 Ross: No.
 Rachel: Ohhhh, come on!!!
 (There's a knock on the door.)
 Monica: I think she's here.
 Rachel: No! Wait! Wait-wait! Ross, please!
 Ross: You want me to take some girl I've never met to the opera so you can
 go to a club and flirt with some guy, hmm, that-that is a toughie.
 Monica: (looking out the peephole) Ohh, she's looking down the hall. Oh!
 She looked right at me! Oh wait, you can't see people through that little hole, can
 you? (Goes back to the door.) Hello!
 Woman: Hello! (Monica screams)
 Rachel: I'll be right there! (to Ross) Okay, Ross, please come on! I
 thought we have moved on! I thought we've gotten to a place where we could be happy
 for each other! I mean was that just me?
 Ross: All right, I'll do it.
 Rachel: Oh thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you! (Monica opens the door.)
 Emily?
 Emily: Yes.
 Rachel: I'm Rachel Green.
 Emily: Thank goodness.
 Rachel: There's been a teeny-teeny change in plans. It turns out that
 I'm not free tonight. So
 Emily: Really?! Well, that's just lovely, isn't it? I must've
 missed your call, even though I didn't leave the flat all day.
 Rachel: Oh well, no I
 Emily: Oh, no-no-no, that's not rude! It's perfectly in keeping with a
 trip that I've already been run down by one of your wiener carts, and been
 strip-searched at John F. Kennedy Airport, apparently to you people, I look like someone
 who's got a balloon full of cocaine stuffed up their bum.
 Monica: I-I-I think you look great.
 Emily: Good night, it was very nice to meet you all. (Storms out.)
 (Pause)
 Rachel: I'll get her.
 Ross: Please hurry.
 Phoebe: Don't you just love the way they talk?!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, the next morning, Monica and
 Phoebe are eating breakfast.]
 Phoebe: Ohh!
 Monica: What?
 Phoebe: It kicked! I think the baby kicked!
 Monica: Oh my God!
 Phoebe: Oh no wait, oh no, the elastic on my underwear busted.
 Joey: (running from his bedroom) Oh my God! I overslept! I was supposed to be on
 the set a half an hour ago! I gotta get out of here!
 Monica: Oh wait, Joey, you can't go like that! You stink!
 Joey: Look, I know I feel asleep before I could shower and now I don't have
 time! They're just ten blocks away, if I run, I can make it.


Monica: Yeah. Run ten blocks, that'll help the smell.
 (He opens the door to reveal Rachel.)
 Rachel: Hey whoa, slow down. (Gets a whiff of him) No, keep moving. (Joey
 runs off.) Wow!
 Monica: So? How did it go with Joshua last night?
 Rachel: Well, I didn't see Joshua last night, but I did punch a girl
 in the face.
 Monica: What?
 Phoebe: Why?
 Rachel: The whole night was horrible, it was pouring down rain, and when I got
 there, there was no Rachel Green on the list, but there was a Rachel Greep.
 Phoebe: Ohh! So, did you get to meet her?
 Rachel: No, there is no Rachel Greep, but then this other girl overheard us and
 she was all, 'I'm Rachel Greep! I'm Rachel Greep!' and he let her
 right in.
 Monica: So you hit her in the face?
 Rachel: No, she was already in, but then this big bitch behind me tried to steal
 my umbrella, so I clocked her. Ohhh! I can't believe this, all I wanted was a few
 hours outside of work to see Joshua, so he can go ahead and start falling in love with me.
 Phoebe: (going over to comfort her) Aww, Pheebs.
 Rachel: Honey, that's you're name.
 Phoebe: That's short for Phoebe?! I thought that was just what we called
 each other!
 (Chandler enters from his bedroom.)
 Monica: Hey! You're wearing pants!
 Chandler: That's right! Where are the guys? I'm ready to get drunk and
 see some strippers.
 Monica: It's 9:30 in the morning!
 Chandler: They got a breakfast buffet.
 (The phone rings and Monica answers it.)
 Monica: Hello. (Listens) Oh, hey Ross!
 Chandler: Ooh, let me talk to him!
 Monica: Oh-oh, my God!
 Chandler: Well, can I just
 Monica: (to Chandler) Shh!! (On phone) Wait, what?
 Chandler: She's shhing me! It's my phone and she's shhing me!
 Phoebe: Shhh!! Please! What's he saying?
 Monica: He's with Emily at a Bed and Breakfast in Vermont!
 Phoebe: What? Oh my God!
 Rachel: What? Who the hell is Emily (realises) noooo!!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, scene continued from earlier.]
 Rachel: They're in Vermont!! How could this happen?! (She waves her arms
 franticly and hits Chandler.)
 Chandler: Ow!
 Rachel: How how did end up in Vermont with that awful witch?! (She hits
 Chandler again.)
 Chandler: Maybe, she doesn't hit him all the time.
 [cut to Ross in Vermont, talking on the phone.]
 Ross: When we first met her, she was soaking, her feet were wet! Who
 wouldn't be miserable? I'm telling you when I got her into a dry pair of shoes,
 she was a totally different person.
 Emily: (rushing in) Ross! Come quickly! There's a deer just outside eating
 fruit from the orchard!
 Ross: I've gotta go, there's a deer just outside eating fruit from the
 orchard! (He hangs up and runs out.)
 [cut back to Chandler and Joey's.]
 Monica: He had to go, there's a deer just outside eating fruit from the
 orchard.
 Rachel: I don't get this! She was horrible! (She hits Chandler, yet again.)
 Chandler: Okay, I'm going to go stand over there. (Points and moves into
 the living room.)
 Monica: Why do you care so much anyway?
 Rachel: I don't care! All right, y'know what I'm just upset that
 I'm getting nowhere with Joshua that y'know what still, you do not meet
 someone and go flitting off to Vermont!
 Monica: Well, when you first met Barry, you flitted off to Vail.
 Rachel: Oh, y'know, would you just for once, not remember
 every little thing!! (Storms out.)
 Chandler: So y'know, uh, when's he getting back?
 Monica: A couple of days.
 Chandler: Y'know, I knew something like this was going to happen. (He
 starts to take off his pants, revealing that he is still wearing his sweat pants.)
 Monica: What are you doing?! Chandler! You can't just go back a phase!
 Chandler: Yes you can. You're thinking about time, you can't go back
 in time.
 Phoebe: Well, look, why don't you just, why don't you do your Phase
 Two strip club thing with us.
 Monica: Yeah, come on, we can be guys!
 Chandler: (laughs) No you can't.
 Phoebe: Come on! Let us be guys! Maybe we want to be guys!
 Chandler: You don't want to be guys, you'd be all hairy and
 wouldn't live as long. (Starts to go to his bedroom)
 Phoebe: Y'know you, you just stop being such a wuss and get those off and
 you come with us and watch naked girls dance around!!
 Chandler: Okay. (Starts to cry)
 Phoebe: I'm sorry. (Goes and hugs him)
 [Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is just arriving for his scene.]
 Joey: (rushing in) Hey! Joey Tribbiani! I'm here! I'm here!
 The A.D: Calm down, we got time, we're running a little late.
 (Just then, Charlton Heston walks out of his dressing room and starts eating a
 liquorice whip.)


Joey: Look at that, Charlton Heston eating a liquorice whip!
 The A.D: Yeah, we loves  em. I've never seen him with (He gets a
 whiff of Joey and starts smelling around.)
 Joey: (trying to act like he's not the one that stinks.) Whoa! Yeah, what
 the hell is that? What smells so bad?
 The A.D: You.
 Joey: Y'know, I can see why you think that, but ah, actually, you know who
 I think it is?
 The A.D: You?
 Joey: No-no, it's uh, it's Heston.
 The A.D: What?
 Joey: Yeah, the man wreaks! Smells like he went on a three day fishing trip and
 then ate some liquorice.
 The A.D: There's no way he smells, he's the only one around here with
 a shower in his dressing room.
 Joey: Really, a shower huh? And uh, which-which room might that be?
 The A.D: The one with 'Heston' on it.
 Joey: Interesting.
 [Scene: A strip club, the girls are there with Chandler, who isn't enjoying
 himself.]
 Monica: (coming back to the stage and sitting next to Chandler) Okay, I've
 got some Ones, you wanna put them in her panties?
 Chandler: No thanks, Mom!
 (A man sits down next to Phoebe and lights up a cigarette.)
 Phoebe: Oh, no umm, hi, that-that, you have to put that out,  cause
 I'm pregnant.
 The Cigarette Smoking Guy: (No, not the Cigarette Smoking Man from The
 X-Files.) Well, maybe you and your baby should go to another strip club.
 Phoebe: Ha-ha, it's not my baby, ha-ha-ha! (He leaves.)
 (The dancer finishes and everyone claps.)
 Monica: Very good, (getting up and sliding a One into the dancer's hot
 pants) so good.
 Phoebe: (doing the same) I really, really enjoyed it. Very exotic.
 Rachel: (joining them) Well, I just checked our messages and Joshua didn't
 call. I mean you'd think he'd be worried about me not showing up at his club.
 Ugh, you know what makes it so much worse, Ross is all happy in Vermont!
 Phoebe: Come on! Look where you are!!
 Monica: (to the waitress) When you get a sec, another round of daiquiris.
 Phoebe: Remember, a virgin for me please.
 Monica: Oh! And don't let me leave without getting the name of that carpet
 guy.
 Chandler: Ahh, come on! Y'know what y'know what, I think I'm
 just gonna go home and call Kathy.
 Phoebe: Well, if you think it will help.
 Chandler: No! That was a test! In a couple of hours I'm gonna get really
 drunk and wanna call Kathy and you guys are gonna have to stop me! And then after that,
 I'm gonna get so drunk, I'm gonna wanna call Janice
 Phoebe: You should! How is she?
 Chandler: Ohhh!!
 Monica: I think somebody needs another lap dance. (Motions for one.)
 [Scene: Silvercup studios, Joey is taking a shower in Charlton Heston's dressing
 room. Heston enters the room, Joey panics, and walks over to the shower and confronts Joey
 about the use of his shower.]
 Charlton Heston: Hello! Who's in there? (He opens to curtain to reveal a
 naked and wet Joey.)
 Joey: How ya doin'?
 Charlton Heston: Who in the hell are you?
 Joey: I guess you wouldn't believe me if I said I was Kurt Douglas, huh?
 Charlton Heston: Put some pants on kid so I can kick your butt.
 Joey: No-no-no, no, no, wait. You see, I'm an actor, Joey Tribbiani,
 I'm doing a scene with you today, and well, I stink.
 Charlton Heston: (shocked) You're in this picture?
 Joey: Yeah-yeah, I'm one of the cops that won't work with you
  cause you a lose cannon. Anyway, look, I'm really sorry, but I stink!
 Charlton Heston: Joey, right?
 Joey: Yeah.
 Charlton Heston: (tosses him a towel, motions for him to get out of the shower
 and sits down on the couch) Every actor at one time or another opp! (Joey tries to
 sit down next to him and Heston makes him sit somewhere else.) Every actor thinks he
 stinks, even Lawrence Oliver at sometimes thought he stank, Bob Redford won't even
 watch himself.
 Joey: Oh no-no-no, you don't understand
 Charlton Heston: Listen to me!
 Joey: Oh yeah, yeah.
 Charlton Heston: I don't know one actor worth his salt that didn't say
 at one time or another, 'God, I stink!' Hell, I just did a scene out there,
 first take, I stunk the place up. But, the important thing you must remember, no matter
 how badly you think you might stink, you must never, ever bust into my dressing room and
 use my shower! Do you understand me?!
 Joey: Yes sir! Yes sir, I'm-I'm (he starts to leave)
 Charlton Heston: Wait a minute! Take your pants.
 Joey: Yeah. Oh, yeah.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are
 returning from the strip club.]
 Monica: So, we did okay at the strip club, right?
 Chandler: Oh yeah, that was great. Thanks to you, the hottest cocktail waitress
 there is quitting to teach the third grade!


 The One With All The Rugby
 The One With All The Rugby
 Teleplay by: Wil Calhoun
 Story by: Andrew Reich and Ted Cohen
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: A beauty parlour, Rachel is getting a manicure while Chandler, yes Chandler, is
 getting a petticure (Does that scare you that I know those terms? Well, it scares
 me.).]
 Chandler: Y'know, I can't believe I'm getting my nails done! And you
 said it was gonna be fun! (pause) Which it kinda is. Also, you said there would be
 other guys here. There are no other guys here!
 Rachel: Chandler, there's a guy right over there. (Points to the counter)
 Chandler: That's a mailman! That's our mailman! (Waves to the
 mailman) (Sarcastic) Hi. How are ya?
 Rachel: Chandler, don't worry! This doesn't make you any less of a
 guy! (Chandler starts blowing on his fingernails like women do.) That does!
 (Chandler stops blowing.) What am I sitting on? (She looks and finds a huge nail.) I hate
 to think what this woman was scratching when this broke off.
 Chandler: Hey, you know who used to have nails like that?
 Rachel: Hmm.
 Woman: OH MY GAWD!! (Yep, you guessed it. It's Janice.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Joey are standing at
 the counter. Monica is flipping a light switch on and off next to the door.]
 Monica: Joey let me ask you a question. What does this light switch do?
 Joey: Ohh, Nothing.
 Monica: Didn't it drive you crazy to have a switch and not know what it
 did?
 Joey: I know what it did! Nothing.
 Monica: They wouldn't have put it there if it didn't do something! How
 can you not care?
 Joey: Like this. (Shrugs)
 Rachel: Well, here's another question for ya. Uhh, do you know what that
 silver knob on the toilet does?
 Joey: Sure! It flushes it.
 Rachel: Okay, good. Now that since you know, when you come over would you mind
 actually using it?
 Chandler: (entering, with Janice in tow) Hello!
 Joey: Hey! (Sees Janice.) Ah!! (Janice screams in surprise.)
 Rachel: Guess who we ran into today?!
 Monica: Janice?!
 Chandler: Isn't this amazing?
 Monica: How have you been?
 Janice: Oh well, I'm divorced.
 Phoebe: Ohhh, wow.
 Janice: Yeah, I'm riding the alimony pony. (Does the now famous laugh.)
 Joey: And there it is.
 Janice: I just came up to say, 'Hi!' Hi! (to Chandler) And you,
 sweetie, I'll see you tonight.
 Chandler: Okay. Bye.
 Janice: Bye.
 Chandler: Bye.
 Janice: Bye.
 Chandler: Bye.
 Janice: Bye.
 Chandler: B-bye!
 Janice: Bye-bye.
 Chandler: Bye. (Finally closes the door on her.) (After it's closed) I
 can't stand the woman! (Phoebe is shocked, Joey is relieved.)
 Phoebe: What?! I thought you were crazy about her!
 Chandler: Yeah, I know, but all of those little annoying things she did before
 we fell in love? Like her voice, her laugh, her personality Well, they're all
 back! Y'know? And she's picked up like nine new ones!
 Joey: So what are you doing bringing her here?! There's people here!
 Chandler: Don't worry about it. I'm taking care of it tonight.
 (Chandler opens the fridge and grabs something to drink.)
 Rachel: You are not. You have never been able to break up with her.
 Chandler: (standing in the door of the fridge) Well, I don't have to break
 up with her this time. We're not involved! I'm going to do a pre-emptive strike!
 I'm going to end it with her before it starts. My ass is like frozen! (Closes the
 fridge.)
 Joey: Yeah, try sticking it in the freezer for 20 minutes. (They all look around
 and then back at Joey.) I'm tellin' ya!
 [Scene: A street, Ross and Emily are walking home from a date.]
 Emily: I can't believe you really walk alone here! I mean, you hear such
 stories about New York.
 Ross: No, it's really not that bad. I mean, I-I for one, feel perfectly
 safe.
 (At that moment two very large men start screaming and running towards Emily and
 picking her up.)
 Ross: Help! Help!! Help! Help!!
 Emily: No, no, no Ross! Ross, these are friends of mine from home. (Introducing
 them) Liam, Devon, this is Ross.
 Devon: Hey, mate.
 Liam: How are ya man?
 Ross: Oh hey, that was a good one, huh? (Imitating himself) Help! Help!
 Emily: So how are you? I've been meaning to ring you ever since I arrived
 but umm, well, I've been rather busy.
 Devon: Do you realise that we have not seen each other since the night of that
 U2 concert?
 Emily: Oh my God. I think you're right.
 Liam: (puts his arm around her) Well, actually the last time you and I saw each
 other was that morning.
 Emily: Oh, Liam. (Ross laughs and takes her back.)
 Ross: Oh, Liam. So uh, what, were you guys playing soccer or something or
 should I call it (In an English accent) football?
 Devon: We were playing rugby.
 Liam: In fact we're playing a game at the park tomorrow. You're
 welcome to play too if you want.
 Emily: (laughs) Ross play rugby? I don't think so.