Monica: Dad, please don't pick your teeth out here! Alright, and if
 you're gonna put your feet up, why don't you sit on the-
 Phoebe: Monica, leave him alone!
 [Monica gives Phoebe a surprised expression and goes over to Ross and Chandler.]
 Joey: (to Rachel) Will you hurry up? Did you not hear me before when I told you
 that all of Janine's friends are dancers?! And that they're going to be drinking
 alot!?
 Rachel: (sarcastically) No, I did, but tell me again, because it's so
 romantic.
 Joey: Well you're whippin' so slow! Can't you do it any faster?
 Rachel: Joey! Come on! I don't wanna make any mistakes, alright? This is
 the only dessert and if I screw it up everybody's gonna be like 'Oh, remember that
 Thanksgiving when Rachel screwed up the trifle?'
 [Joey gives her an understanding look.]
 Rachel: So why don't you just let me worry about making the trifle and you
 just worry about eating it, alright?
 Joey: Oh I am!
 [Chandler and Monica are by the window pressuring Ross to tell his parents the truth.]
 Monica: Ross, if you don't tell them, then I will!
 Ross: Okay, fine!
 [Ross gets up to go tell his parents.]
 [Joey rushes over.]
 Joey: Ross! Can I talk to you for a second?
 Ross: Oh, uh, can it wait a second Joey? I have to tell my parents something. No
 it can't? Okay.
 [Monica and Chandler make 'What was that?' gestures. Joey and Ross go into
 Rachel's old room.]
 [Scene: Rachel's old room, Ross and Joey enter.]
 Joey: Okay, look, I think we have to tell Rachel she messed up her dessert.
 Ross: What?! What is with everybody? It's Thanksgiving, not...Truth-Day!
 Joey: Look, when everyone eats that...that...Banana-Meat thing, they're all
 gonna' make fun of her, do you want that?
 Ross: Okay, okay, we'll just get everyone to act like they like it.
 That-that way noone makes fun of her and we still get to go to Sweet Potatoe Pie!
 (Referring to the dancers.)
 Joey: (scolding) Dude, they're not objects.
 [Ross makes a sorry face.]
 Joey: Just kiddin,' I'll talk to them, you distract Rach.
 [Joey and Ross go back out into the main area.]
 Ross: Hey Rach, can I talk to you outside for a second?
 Rachel: Okay...
 [The hallway. Rachel and Ross go out and they just stand there for a few seconds.]
 Rachel: What's up, Ross?
 Ross: So um...Thanksgiving. The holiday season is upon us, hm?
 Rachel: Yeah!
 Ross: And um...You look nice today.
 Rachel: Oh no. No Ross, don't do this.
 Ross: What?
 Rachel: I just- I don't think us getting back together is a good idea.
 Ross: (shocked) Eh?
 Rachel: I thought this might happen today. Ross, I know the holidays can be
 rough. Y'know? And it's probably really hard for you to be alone right now.
 Ross: (cutting her off) You're alone.
 Rachel: No, I-I live with Phoebe. I mean you're [pity-tone] alone,
 alone. And I just-it's just not the time for us. I'm sorry.
 Ross: (just trying to get out of the conversation) Ah well, can't blame a
 guy for trying!
 [Inside Monica and Chandler's. Joey is almost done explaining the situation to
 everyone.]
 Joey: Oh and (Ross begins to open the door and Joey says some gibberish word to
 indicate to Ross that he's not done yet. Ross closes the door again.) Okay, and uh if
 anyone needs help pretending to like it, I learned something in acting class, try uh,
 rubbing your stomach (Rubs his stomach) or uh, or saying 'mmm' and uh, oh oh!
 And smiling (Smiles while pretending to stir a bowl), okay?
 Chandler: Yeah, I'm not gonna pay for those acting classes anymore.
 [Ross and Rachel re-enter.]
 Joey: Rachel, there you are! Come on, let's serve that dessert already!
 Rachel: Joey, you're gonna have to stop rushing me, you know what? You
 don't get any dessert.
 Joey: (happily) Really?
 Rachel: No, I'm just kidding I would never do that to you! Okay, everybody,
 it's trifle time!
 Phoebe: So, now, Rach, this is a traditional English trifle, isn't it?
 Rachel: It sure is.
 Phoebe: Wow. So then did you make it with beef or Eggplant?
 Rachel: Beef.
 Phoebe: I can't have any. You know I don't eat meat. (Faking
 dissapointment.) Ohhh no.
 [Phoebe gets up and goes into Rachel's old room, a smile on her face.]
 Rachel: Alright, Monica, I want you to have the first taste.
 Monica: Really?
 [Rachel hands Monica a plate. Monica takes a spoonful of the whipped cream portion.]
 Rachel: Oh oh oh, wait! You only got whipped cream in there! Ya gotta take a
 bite with all the layers!
 Monica: Okay.
 [Monica takes a bigger spoonful and a pea falls off]
 Rachel: Op! Wait, you dropped a pea.
 [Monica puts the pea on top of the spoonful and takes a bite.]
 Rachel: Well?


Monica: (faking joy. Rubbing her stomach and smiling at the same time, like Joey
 said) Mmmm! It's good!
 Rachel: Really? How good?
 Monica: It's so good, that I feel really selfish about being the only one
 who's eating it, that I think we should have everyone taste how good it is.
 Especially Ross.
 [Ross glares at Monica.]
 [Everyone takes a bite of their trifle.]
 All: (faking enjoyment) Mmm.
 Chandler: (clearly lying and hating the dessert) Yeah, this is so good, that
 I'm gonna go enjoy it on the balcony so that I can enjoy the view whilst I enjoy my
 dessert.
 [Chandler exits to the balcony.]
 Mrs. Geller: (lying) I've gotta call my friend Mary and tell her how good
 this is, from Monica's room.
 Mr. Geller: (also lying) I'll help you dial.
 [Jack and Judy exit to Monica's room.]
 Monica: (again, lying) I'm gonna go into the bathroom so I can look at it
 in the mirror, as I eat it.
 [Monica exits to the bathroom.]
 Rachel: Okay, now what was that all about? Is it-does it not taste good? Let me
 try it.
 [Rachel reaches for Ross's plate]
 Ross: Wha? No no! Ah! (Ross scarfs all of his trifle down in about a second. He
 looks like he's going to throw up.) (Lying) All gone! So good! Maybe Chandler has
 some left.
 [Rachel leaves to the balcony.]
 Ross: It tastes like feet!
 Joey: I like it.
 Ross: Are you kidding?
 Joey: What's not to like? Custard? Good. Jam? Good. Meat? Gooooood.
 [Rachel and Chandler re-emerge from the balcony.]
 Rachel: ...So a bird just grabbed it, and then tried to fly away with it and,
 and then just dropped it on the street?
 [Chandler makes a fake 'I know I couldn't believe it either' gesture.]
 Chandler: (lying) Yes, but if it's any consolation, before the bird dropped
 it, he seemed to enjoy it.
 [Phoebe comes back from Rachel's old room.]
 Phoebe: Rachel, come here. (Rachel walks over to Phoebe. Chandler sits down on
 the lounge-chair.) Okay, I was just starting to take my Thanksgiving nap, and I had
 another dream about Jack.
 Rachel: Oh, Phoebe, do I wanna hear this?
 Phoebe: I dunno, let's see! So, okay, I dreamt that we were gonna get
 married, and he left, becuz he had to go fight a fire. And, um, so okay, I went to a night
 club, and I saw him making out with a girl.
 Rachel: (humoring Phoebe) Oh my God, he dream-cheated on you!
 Phoebe: Yeah, but then Jacques Cousteau came and he kicked his ass for betraying
 me! It was soo cool! Then, he took me diving and he introduced me to his pet seahorse,
 who, by the way, was totally coming on to me, and please, that is not gonna happen.
 [Jack and Judy come out of Monica's room and sit down on the couch.]
 Mr. Geller: Boy, I'm glad I wore the big belt today.
 Phoebe: Five minutes ago, a line like that would've floored me. Now
 nothing. Well, not nothing, I am still a woman.
 [Rachel and Phoebe walk into the kitchen. Monica comes out of the bathroom and goes
 over to Ross.]
 Monica: Ross? Let's go.
 Ross: Oh yeah, about telling Mom and Dad, I was thinking about maybe writing a
 letter.
 Monica: Alright, you know what? That's it. You've had your chance.
 Ross: Wha-what?
 Monica: (out loud, to her parents) Mom! Dad! Ross smoked pot in college!
 Mr. and Mrs. Geller: What?!
 Ross: (in a 5 year old's tone) (To Monica) You are such a tattletale! Mom,
 Dad, you remember that-that time you walked in my room and smelled marijuana?
 Mr. and Mrs. Geller: Yes. (They look at Chandler angrily.)
 Ross: Well I told you it was Chandler who was smoking the pot but it was me.
 I'm sorry.
 Mrs. Geller: It was you?
 Monica: And Dad, y'know that mailman that you got fired? He didn't
 steal your Playboys! Ross did!
 [The Gellers stare at Ross. Ross looks at his parents with an afraid, shocked look.]
 Ross: Yeah, well, Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica
 did!
 [The Gellers glare at Monica.]
 [Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel are sitting at the table, looking at the Geller siblings like
 they're weirdos.]
 Monica: Ross hasn't worked at the museum for a year!
 [The Gellers glare at Ross.]
 Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together!
 [The Gellers glare at Monica, shocked]
 [Monica and Chandler both are shocked. Ross gives Monica a 'take that!'
 look.]
 Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas! And got divorced! Again!!!!
 [The Gellers glare at Ross.]
 Phoebe: (joining in) I love Jacques Cousteau!
 Rachel: (reading the recipe magazine, finally figuring out that...) I
 wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle!
 Joey: (pounding the table) I wanna gooooooo!
 Mrs. Geller: (rubbing her temples) That's alot of information to get in in
 thirty seconds! Alright Joey, if wanna leave, just leave. Rachel, no you weren't
 supposed to put beef in the trifle. It did not taste good. Phoebe, I'm sorry, but I
 think Jacques Cousteau is dead. (Phoebe makes a sad face.) Monica, why you felt you had to
 hide the fact that you were in an important relationship is beyond me.
 Mr. Geller: And we kinda figured about the porch swing.
 Mrs. Geller: Ross, drugs? Divorced? Again?
 Mr. Geller: What happened son?


 The One With The Routine
 The One With The Routinue
 Written by: Brian Boyle
 Transcribed by: Samantha Stein
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment, everyone except Ross is decorating the
 tree.]
 Chandler: Let me ask you, why is everybody using these tiny lights nowadays? I
 remember when people used to use big lights.
 Rachel: That's a good story, Grandpa.
 (Ross enters)
 Ross: Hey
 All: Hey
 Ross: Wow, Monica's letting other people help decorate her tree! Did
 someone get her drunk again or?
 Monica: Having a perfectly decorated tree is not what Christmas is about.
 It's about being with the people that you love.
 Phoebe: That is nice and we're done. TADA!
 (Her side of the tree looks a complete mess)
 Chandler: I dunno what it is, it just doesn't quite feel like Christmas to
 me.
 Monica: Oh, here.
 (She turns the tree around so that her side, which is perfectly decorated, is showing)
 Chandler: See now it feels like Christmas!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe and Joey are there.]
 Ross:   and that's the story of the dreidle. Now, some people
 trace the Christmas tree back to the Egyptians, who used to bring green palm branches into
 their huts on the shortest day of the year, symbolising life's triumph over death.
 And that was like 4000 years ago.
 Rachel: So, pretty much around the same time that you started telling this
 story.
 (Joey enters)
 Joey: Hey you guys.
 Chandler: Hey Joe what's up?
 Joey: I had to get out of the apartment. Janine is like stretching all over the
 place. Y'know, everywhere I look she's like  (He imitates her stretching)
 Chandler: I can see why that's hard to resist.
 Joey: I like her so much!
 Monica: Aw, I'm sorry sweetie that she doesn't feel the same way.
 Joey: I know. And she's so sweet. I just wanna feed her grapes and brush
 her hair.
 Chandler: You are aware that she's not a monkey, right?
 Ross: I am so over Janine. I mean, yeah, at first I thought she was hot,
 but now she's like OLD NEWS!
 (Janine enters)
 Janine: Hey guys!
 Ross: Hi Janine!
 Janine: I just got a call to be a dancer on a television special for New
 Year's Eve. It's called some sort of Dick'n Rock'n Dickie Eve.
 Monica: Hold it! Are you talking about Dick Clark's New Year's
 Rocking Eve?
 Janine: Yeah, that's what I said.
 Monica: Oh my God! We love that show! I mean Ross and I have been watching it
 since I can remember!
 Chandler: Ah, you're still just a little fat girl inside aren't you?
 (He kisses her on the cheek)
 Janine: Well I'm gonna be on it this year. I'm gonna be one of the
 party people.
 Ross: You're gonna be a party person! Those guys rock the most!
 Janine: Well they said I should bring someone. (To Joey) Do you wanna be my
 dance partner?
 Joey: Totally! I would love to spend New Year's with you.
 Janine: Well actually they're taping tomorrow. I don't really
 understand why.
 Ross: Oh, well you see how it works is, the part with Dick Clark in Times
 Square is actually live, but they tape some of the party stuff ahead of time. Yeah, not a
 lot of people know that.
 Janine: Yeah well, do you guys wanna come too?
 Ross: Are you serious?
 Monica: We are there!
 (Rachel laughs)
 Chandler: What, what are you laughing at?
 Rachel: Well, I used to date him, but you're still going out with her!
 (Gunther brings Janine a coffee)
 Janine: Thanks. (To Monica and Ross) Great so we can all go together! I gotta
 run. Catch you later!
 (Janine leaves)
 All: Bye!
 Ross: Bye Janine!
 Joey: Did she just ask me out on a date?
 Chandler: I don't think so.
 Monica: What are you talking about? She just invited him to the biggest party of
 the millennium!
 Rachel: Yeah, but she also invited you and Ross. Yeah, honey, I'm sorry,
 but I don't think that was a romantic thing.
 Joey: Oh. Maybe. But hey I know how I can find out. We're going to a New
 Year's Eve party, right? So at midnight, I can kiss her. And if she kisses me back,
 great! Y'know? But if she says  Dude, what the hell are you doing?' I can
 say  It wasn't me, it was New Years!'
 Rachel: Well, that's a lot better than Ross trying to kiss me in High
 School, and saying that he did it because he needed chapstick.
 Ross: It was a dry day.
 Monica: We are going to Dick Clark's New Year's Rocking Eve!
 Ross: Oh my God!
 Monica: Oh my God!
 Chandler: (To Rachel) Oh my God!
 [Scene: The Set, Joey, Janine, Ross and Monica are walking in.]
 Joey: OK, listen I've been on sets before, so let me give you a little
 advice, alright? It's a show, but we're just dancing, OK? It's no big deal.
 The important thing to remember  stay cool.


Ross: Got it!
 (They get to the main stage)
 Ross: Oh my God it's just like I dreamed it!
 Director: OK, everyone gather up.
 (Monica and Ross push to the front)
 Monica and Ross:  Scuse us
 Director: Here's what's gonna happen. The music's gonna start,
 you're gonna dance, we're gonna tape, you don't look at the camera. Any
 questions?
 Ross: Yeah, I have a question. When is this gonna air?
 (He and Monica laugh)
 Director: Uh, yeah. Now you guys dance over there, you guys over there, and I
 want you two right around here, and everyone else spread out.
 Joey: Ross! So when is it gonna air?
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment, Chandler is there. Phoebe and Rachel
 enter.]
 Rachel: Okay, you look in the kitchen, I will look in the back closet.
 Chandler: I can save you time ladies, I'm right here.
 Phoebe: Yeah, Chandler why don't you take a walk? This doesn't concern
 you.
 Rachel: We are looking for our Christmas presents from Monica.
 Chandler: What? That's terrible!
 Phoebe: No-no, we do it every year!
 Chandler: Oh well, that makes it not terrible.
 Phoebe: No, yeah, we never find them! She's always best at us that wily
 minx.
 Rachel: Don't worry, we're just gonna search here for an hour, them
 we're gonna go over to Joey's and search, OK?
 Chandler: No not okay, you can't look for Monica's presents!
 Phoebe: But we have to!
 Chandler: No, you don't have to, and you can't because I live here
 too.
 Phoebe: Well then, you should look with us.
 Chandler: Why?
 Rachel: Chandler, aren't you worried about what to get Monica for
 Christmas?
 Chandler: No, I have a great idea for a present for her.
 Phoebe: Oh, that's it? (Mimics Chandler) A great idea!
 Rachel: Chandler, that's not enough. I mean what if she gets you a great
 present, two medium presents, and a bunch of little presents? And you've just gotten
 her one great present? I mean that's just gonna make her feel bad. Why would you do
 that to her Chandler? Why? Why?
 Chandler: If I help, we can find  em faster!
 Rachel: That's right!
 (Phoebe looks under the couch)
 Phoebe: Ooh ooh, we have a live one!
 Rachel: Oh, it's a Macy's bag!
 (Phoebe tips it upside down, and a shoe falls out)
 Phoebe: Ooh, who's it for?
 Rachel: (Reading) Dear losers, do you really think I'd hide
 presents under the couch? P.S. Chandler, I knew they'd break you.
 Phoebe: Uh-oh. She may be onto us.
 Rachel: We are so gonna find them this year.
 Chandler: Y'know when you guys said you were gonna go across the hall and
 look, you don't, you don't do that every year do you?
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Chandler: You don't, like go into the back of my closet, and look under my
 gym bag or anything?
 Phoebe and Rachel: No, we never do that
 (They turn away.)
 Chandler: Because that's where Joey gave me some stuff to store that
 I've never seen before in my life! Okay, that did not just happen! (He does a weird
 clicky motion with his fingers, that kinda hard to describe.)
 [Scene: The Set, everyone is dancing.]
 Monica: Okay, here comes another camera.
 Ross: Right. No biggie. Stay loose.
 (As the camera passes by, they start to dance really rigid, but the camera is facing
 the other way.)
 Ross: Why do they keep doing that?
 Monica: If we wanna get on camera, I think we have to get up on one of those
 platforms. They've been taping those people up there all day.
 Ross: Right.
 (They move towards a platform, dancing really strangely as they go)
 Ross: Hey, what'd you guys do to get up on there?
 Girl: We learned how to dance.
 Monica: Oh yeah? Well when you learned how to dance did you forget how to put on
 underpants?
 Ross: Yeah!
 (Camera pans to Joey and Janine)
 Janine: Hey! You're a good dancer!
 Joey: Really?
 Janine: Yeah, well you'd be better if you just loosened your hips a little.
 Joey: What do you mean?
 Janine: Like this.
 (She pulls Joey towards her and dances really close to him.)
 Janine: That's it, feel the rhythm. That's better.
 Joey: Uh-huh.
 Director: (To Joey) Okay, you're dancing with that girl over there.
 Joey: No-no-no-no-no we came together!
 Director: I don't see it. (To Janine) You are dancing with the tall guy
 over there. Tall guy, raise your hand! (He does. Janine goes over to him.)
 Joey: No-no hey buddy, please let me dance with that girl, I really like her and
 I think I have a shot.
 Director: Really, y'think so? I don't..
 (He leaves, and this girl grabs Joey and starts dancing really wild.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment, Phoebe and Rachel are there and Chandler
 enters.]


Chandler: I couldn't find anything at Joey--Hey-hey, oh hey!
 Rachel: Yeah, we found them. There were in the guest room closet behind some
 coats.
 Phoebe: Yeah, and you have nothing to worry about 'cos they're all crap!
 Chandler: Those are my gifts, I got them for you.
 Phoebe: Ohhh. Thanks Chandler they're great!
 Rachel: Well Chandler, what is this very weird, metal A Z thing?
 Chandler: Those are book ends! That's a great gift!
 Phoebe: Oh, okay, I'm sorry, thank you for my azzz.
 Rachel: Ha!
 Chandler: Make sure you put all that stuff back in the closet, okay?
 Rachel: Yes, okay, oh, by the way, I just gotta say, I think it's really nice of
 you that even after you've moved, you still keep storing that stuff for Joey!
 (Chandler does the weird clicky thing again.)
 [Scene: The Set, the girl is still dancing with Joey.]
 Joey: Hey-hey dancer girl! Can I go to the bathroom? I just.. (The girl starts
 dancing really close to him, so he picks her up, twirls her round, and puts her against a
 platform) Here we go. (He walks away to find Monica and Ross doing a really out of place
 dance) Looking good Gellers!
 Ross: We know!
 Monica: Hey, see that snippy guy over there? He's the one who decides who
 gets up on the platform. We should go dance by him.
 Ross: Okay.
 (They dance over to him.)
 Director: Okay, everybody hold!
 (Ross and Monica high-five)
 Director: Next on the platforms are  (He points to the right of Ross and
 Monica, so they dance over to where he's pointing to. He points away from them)
  you two! And  (He points the other way, and Ross and Monica follow his arm.
 Again he points away.)  You two!
 Monica: Excuse me, sir, would it help if I weren't wearing underpants?
 Ross: Monica! (Pause) Would it?
 (The director shakes his head.)
 [Scene: The Men's Bathroom, the tall guy is there as Joey enters.]
 Joey: Hey! Tall guy! Hey, listen, I wanted to talk to you about that girl that
 you're dancing with.
 Tall Guy: She's nice, huh? To think I almost brought my wife to
 this!
 Joey: Yeah, yeah, okay. Uh, look buddy, I came with that girl, and I had this
 plan to kiss her at the new years countdown  I'm trying to win her over, so I
 was wondering if..
 Tall Guy: No I don't think so.
 Joey: Oh come on man, you can dance with my partner, she's real, uh,
 mellow!
 Tall Guy: Look, are you dating this girl you came with?
 Joey: Well, I was hoping after tonight that maybe I could you know
 Tall Guy: No, no. She's fair game if you ask me, sorry buddy!
 Joey: Alright, alright, hey y'know fair is fair, (he pretends to wash his
 hands) if you're right, you're right, what can I say, but hey oh no! (He throws
 water on the guy's pants)
 Tall Guy: God! What are you, in second grade?
 Joey: Hey, now you're the one who wet his pants. (He throws another handful
 on him and runs out)
 [Scene: The Set, Monica and Ross are dancing.]
 Monica: Man, this sucks! Y'know if Mom and Dad don't see us on TV
 after we made them so jealous, I mean, who's gonna be the losers then?
 Ross: Hey, I know what'll get us up on a platform!
 Monica: What?
 Ross: The routine!
 Monica: Ross, we haven't done the routine since middle school.
 Ross: Hey, when the snippy guy sees the routine, he'll wanna build
 us our own platform!
 Monica: Was it really that good?
 Ross: We got honourable mention in the brother/sister dance category!
 Look, it's almost fake midnight, do we really have any other choice?
 Monica: Okay, let's do it. Mom and Dad are gonna be so faced!
 (They move into a space, and Ross points to his eyes and then to hers)
 Monica: 5 6 7 8!
 (They start the routine. However hard I try, I really cannot describe it. You will have
 to watch it. I'm sorry.)
 (When they finish, they walk over to the director)
 Ross: So, do we really have to ask who's going up on the platform
 next?
 Director: Oh no! You get up there and do that again exactly like that!
 Monica: Yes! (They run over to a platform)
 Director: (To Cameraman) Make sure you get this, they're gonna want it for
 the bloopers show. (To everyone) Alright cut! Listen up everyone, when we start again
 it's gonna be the countdown to new years, so I wanna see everybody's excitement.
 [Cut to Joey and Janine]
 Tall Guy: Hey, pal, you have about three seconds to get away from my
 partner.
 Director: What's going on over here?
 Joey: Uh, take a look at the guy's pants! I mean, I know you told us to
 show excitement, but don't you think he went a little overboard?
 Director: What's the matter with you? Get out of here!


Joey: Yeah, take a hike wetpants!
 (The director pushes the Tall Guy away)
 [Cut to Ross and Monica, who are finally on a platform!]
 Ross: Can you believe this? We're gonna be on the platform for the
 Millennium moment!
 Monica: I know! Hey, you haven't been practising the routine, have you?
 Ross: No!
 Monica: Me too!
 Ross: Hey, when the music starts up again, I was thinking of maybe goind
 into the robot, y'know? (He mimics a robot)
 Monica: Ross, I think we should stick to the routine, we don't wanna look
 stupid!
 Director: Alright we're back! Ten seconds left here we go! Ten! Nine!
 Eight! Seven! (He continues to count as we hear Joey think)
 Joey's Head: Okay, it all comes down to this. Whatever happens,
 happens. Destiny.
 All: Three, Two, One!
 Director: Cut!
 Joey: No! Year! Happy No Year!
 Director: Okay, here's where we go to the live shot of Times Square, nice
 work everyone that's a wrap!
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment, Chandler and Rachel are there, and Phoebe
 enters with the Chick and the Duck.]
 Phoebe: Hey! Look who I found!
 Chandler: Oh, hey guys!
 Phoebe: Y'know, birds have a very good sense of direction, and I thought
 maybe they could help us find where the presents are hidden.
 Chandler: Yes, if the presents are hidden south for the winter.
 Phoebe: Or we could just follow your clever jokes  any ideas? No!
 Didn't think so! Okay, c'mon guys, show us where the presents are!
 Chandler: Oh, the duck seems to think that Monica got me garbage! Hmm, I wonder
 what I could get Monica that's as good as garbage?
 Phoebe: Hmm, how about my azzz?
 (Rachel sits on the window seat, and knocks against it)
 Rachel: Hey, this is hollow.
 Phoebe: What?
 Rachel: This bench, it's hollow! I can't believe I never knew that!
 (She pushes all the pillows off it and opens it up) Oh, the presents!!!
 Phoebe: No, don't look directly at them!
 Chandler: What?
 Phoebe: Alright, no, we could look at them!
 Rachel: Oh, this one's for me!
 Phoebe: Oh, this one's for Chandler. Here.
 Chandler: Oh great!
 Phoebe: And the big one's for me!
 Rachel: Ooh, let's open them!
 Chandler: Okay! Okay! Okay!
 Phoebe: Hee hee!
 Chandler: Wait, we can't do this.
 Phoebe and Rachel: Why?
 Chandler: I don't wanna know what Monica got me. Y'know? I mean, look,
 I'm sure she worked really hard at getting you a present, and wanting to surprise me,
 and you guys are gonna ruin that, and I, look we have to put these back, this is not what
 Christmas is about.
 Rachel: Whatever Linus, I'm opening mine.
 Chandler: Nobody is opening anything ok? Look, I don't know about you guys,
 but I wanna see the look on Monica's face when I give her my present, and I'm
 sure she wants to see the look on my face when I get mine. So please, please, can we just,
 can we put them back?
 Phoebe: Will you get us better gifts?
 Chandler: Fine!
 (Monica enters, and they throw the gifts behind them.)
 Monica: Hey guys! You found the presents? Chandler, you let them find the
 presents? Great! Do you know how long it took me to find you that water purifier?
 Chandler: That's what you got me?
 Phoebe: Oh yes, I see what you mean. That look is priceless.
 (Rachel leans over to look at him.)
 [Scene: Joey and Janine's apartment, they both enter.]
 Joey: Home sweet home, huh? Nice to, uh, get back to reality. Plus we know how
 the New Year's gonna go off. I guess there's no reason for all that Y2K panic,
 y'know? Anyway, g'night!
 Janine: Joey.
 Joey: Yeah?
 Janine: (She takes his hands) 3, 2, 1. (She kisses him) Happy New Year.
 Joey: Oh, yoii. What was that for?
 Janine: Well, I don't know tonight when they yelled cut and we didn't
 get to kiss, I was really, really, disappointed, and I just, really wanted to kiss you
 Joey: Really? In the moment, I really wanted to kiss you too. In the moment.
 Janine: In the moment, yeah.
 Joey: But only in the moment. So do ya wanna kiss again?
 Janine: Sure, New Year's Eve is only two weeks away. Can you wait?
 Joey: No.
 Janine: Me neither.
 Joey: 3, 2,
 Janine: Joey, you don't have to count down every time we kiss.
 Joey: Uh, yeah, okay. Except I sorta felt like I needed a couple of seconds to
 get ready.
 (They kiss to the music of Auld Lang Syne)
 Ending Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment, everyone except Joey is there.]
 Monica: We were on the platform, ready to dance the world into the new
 Millennium, and the guy yelled  CUT!'
 Rachel: Uh, wait, so you guys are telling me you actually did the routine from
 eighth grade?


 The One With The Apothecary Table
 The One With The Apothecary Table
 Teleplay by: Brian Boyle
 Story by: Zachary Rosenblatt
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone is there as Joey enters happily.]
 Joey: Hey!
 Ross: Hey!
 Joey: Listen, do you guys think I have a chance with Janine?
 Monica: Honey, we have been through this before!
 Rachel: Yeah. Don't do this to yourself.
 Phoebe: She's made it pretty clear, it is not going to happen.
 Joey: Well all right then, I guess I shouldn't get to excited about the
 fact (excitedly) that I just kissed her!
 Monica: You serious?!
 Chandler: That's great!
 Monica: Really?!
 Phoebe: Yeah well, we'll see.
 Ross: You kissed her.
 Joey: Oh we kissed it up real nice.
 Chandler: So you kissed her, so what happened after that?
 Joey: I came over here to tell you guys.
 Chandler: So she's just waiting over there for ya?
 (Joey nods yes, but suddenly realizes what he did and runs out of the apartment and
 back to his place.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Janine are pretty much making out at one of the tables
 as Monica and Rachel look on from the couch.]
 Janine: I gotta go.
 Joey: Okay. (They kiss.)
 Janine: I'm gonna be really late for dance class!
 Joey: Okay. (They kiss.)
 Janine: Okay, now I'm really late. (Gets up.)
 Joey: Okay, I'm all right, okay, but hey, could you just leave your lips?
 (She kisses him on the cheek and starts to leave.)
 Janine: (to Monica and Rachel) Bye.
 Monica: Bye. (Janine exits.)
 Joey: Have you kissed her yet? It's awesome! I could do it forever!
 Y'know what? She-she kisses better than my mom cooks!
 Monica: I am so glad you said cooks.
 Rachel: I know.
 Chandler: (entering) Oh hey Rachel, sweetheart? You have got to tell the
 post office that you have moved. Okay? We are still getting all your bills and stuff.
 (Hands her all of her bills and stuff.)
 Rachel: Oh-oh, Pottery Barn! (Grabs the aforementioned catalog and holds
 the rest back out to Chandler.) You can throw the rest away.
 Chandler: I'm not your garbage man. I'm your mailman.
 Rachel: Monica look! Look-look-look! Here is that table that I ordered. (Shows
 her the picture.)
 Monica: You got it from Pottery Barn?!
 Rachel: Yeah! It's an apothecary table. Does anyone even know what an
 apothecary is?
 Chandler: A pharmacist. (Rachel mocks him.)
 Monica: Rach, Phoebe hates Pottery Barn.
 Joey: I hate Pottery Barn too. They kicked me out of there just because I
 sat on a bed!
 Chandler: You took off your pants and climbed under the sheets!
 Joey: (indignant) I was tired!
 Rachel: Phoebe hates Pottery Barn?!
 Monica: Yeah, she hates all mass produced stuff. She thinks her furniture should
 have a history, a story behind it.
 Rachel: Well this has story behind it! I mean they had to ship it all the way
 from the White Plains store.
 Monica: It's gotta be one of a kind. Y'know like umm, y'know uh,
 what's that God awful ceramic fruit bowl she has on her counter?
 Joey: Hey! I made that for her!
 Chandler: You made pottery?
 Joey: Yeah! I made it of this fruit bowl I found in the garbage.
 Monica: I'm telling If you put that in her apartment you'll never
 hear the end of it.
 Rachel: Okay fine! I'll-I'll just tell her it's an antique
 apothecary table, she doesn't have to know where it came from. Oh! Look at this
 little drawers! Oh look-look it says that it holds 300 CDs.
 Chandler: Ahh, just like the apothecary tables of yore
 [Scene: The Hallway between the apartments, Joey, Janine, Chandler, and Monica are
 returning from a double date. Chandler is telling a joke.]
 Chandler:  so then the farmer says, 'That's not a cow and
 you're not milking it.' (Everyone laughs.)
 Monica: I am so glad you guys got together, Chandler and I are always looking
 for a couple to go out with and now we have one!
 Chandler: Look at us, we're a couple of couples!
 Janine: I had so much fun tonight, and what a great restaurant.
 Monica: Yeah.
 Joey: And Chandler I can't believe I let you pay for this one. (They hug
 and he whispers in his ear.) Thanks man.
 Monica: So do you guys gonna come over tomorrow? I'll make that pasta thing
 I was telling you about.
 Janine: Oh that would be great!
 Joey: Oh, but hey look, at least let us bring the wine.
 Monica: Joey, you don't have too!
 Joey: Nope-op! I insist! (He hugs Chandler again and whispers to him.) You get
 the wine right?
 Chandler: Yeah all right. (They part.) Okay, good night guys.
 Joey: See ya tomorrow!
 Monica: Tomorrow!
 Janine: Can't wait! (They each go into their respective apartments.)
 [Cut to Joey and Janine's.]
 Janine: How are we gonna get out of that one?


Joey: What?
 Janine: I can't handle two nights in a row with them.
 Joey: What-what's wrong with Monica and Chandler?
 Janine: I don't know, they're just a little blah!
 Joey: Blah?!
 Janine: Well y'know, he's blah, she's just she's very
 loud for such a small person.
 Joey: Uh, they're like my best friends. Are you saying we can't hang
 out with them?  Cause that would kinda be a problem.
 Janine: No! Of course we can still hang out with them. Just y'know, not two
 nights in a row. Okay?
 Joey: I guess.
 Janine: Thank you. (They kiss.)
 Joey: If you want, I'll sell my friends and use the money to buy you
 presents.
 [Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Rachel is placing CDs into her antique apothecary table as
 Phoebe returns home.]
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Rachel: Hey!
 Phoebe: (sees the table) Ooh, what a great table! Where-where did you get it?
 Rachel: Guess!
 Phoebe: Umm, a flea market?
 Rachel: Ha! See, I knew, I knew you'd get it on the first guess. Isn't
 it cool! It's an apothecary table.
 Phoebe: Wow! Oh you can just imagine that this is where (She's opening and
 closing the drawers) they kept all the stuff to make their potions.
 Rachel: Ohh, yes.
 Phoebe: Y'know? Ooh, you can almost smell the opium.
 Rachel: Almost.
 Phoebe: How much was it?
 Rachel: It was only 500 bucks.
 Phoebe: 500 bucks at a flea market?!
 Rachel: Oh, okay see I thought, I thought you meant how much was it when it was
 new, y'know like back then.
 Phoebe: Oh no.
 Rachel: Yeah no, I mean it was at a flea market, so it was y'know, it was
 like a dollar.
 Phoebe: A dollar?
 Rachel: And fifty. So it was like one and fifty dollars.
 Phoebe: Ohh, okay, they gave you the old time pricing.
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Phoebe: Well, what period is it from?
 Rachel: Uh, it's from yore. Like the days of yore. Y'know?
 Phoebe: Yes, yes I do. God, oh it's just perfect! Wow! I bet it has a great
 story behind it too. Did they tell you anything? Like y'know where it was from
 or
 Rachel: Yes! That I know, this is from White Plains.
 Phoebe: (gasps) White Plains. Oh, it sounds like such a magical place.
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, Rachel is entering as Ross comes out of the kitchen
 carrying popcorn.]
 Rachel: Hey! We're here!
 Ross: Hey!
 Rachel: (seeing his new table) Ohh! Oh my God!
 Ross: You like it?
 Rachel: Oh no!
 Ross: It's my new apothecary table!
 Rachel: Ross! Phoebe's gonna be here any second, she cannot see this!
 Ross: Well why not?! She'll-she'll love it! It's the real thing!
 I got it at Pottery Barn.
 Rachel: I know you did! I bought the same one! And if she sees your table
 she's gonna know that I lied to her. I told her ours was an original.
 Ross: Why did you do that?
 Rachel: Because she hates Pottery Barn.
 Ross: She hates Pottery Barn?!!
 Rachel: I know! I know, she says it's all mass-produced, nothing is
 authentic, and everyone winds up having the same stuff. (Ross looks at his table.) So come
 on, she's gonna be here any second! Can we please just cover this up with something?!
 Please?
 Ross: What? No! No! I am not gonna hide it from Phoebe Ooh, although I did
 get some great Pottery Barn sheets! (Gets them.)
 Rachel: Ooo! Oh, I forgot they made sheets!
 Ross: Uh, yeah! I still can't believe she hates Pottery Barn!
 Rachel: Ross, get over it! It's not like she hates you.
 Ross: Yeah but Pottery Barn! Y'know what I think? It's just
 she-she's weird. Y'know it's because she's a twin. Twins are weird.
 Rachel: Ross, she's not weird, she just wants her stuff to be one of a
 kind.
 Ross: Huh. Y'know what's not one of a kind? A twin!
 Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
 Rachel: Hey!
 Ross: Hey!
 Rachel: Ooh, Phoebe's here! Okay, let's turn out all the lights and
 we'll just watch the movie!
 Phoebe: Okay. Hey Ooh, cool sheets! (Notices the sheet over the table.)
 Ross: Oh, you like it? You wanna know where I got it?
 Phoebe: Sure!
 Rachel: He got it a flea market!
 Phoebe: You bought your sheets at a flea market? Ross come on, you gotta loosen
 the purse strings a little.
 [Scene: Joey and Janine's, Joey is pacing around as Chandler and Monica enter.]
 Monica: Hey!
 Joey: Hi!
 Monica: The dinner will be ready in twenty minutes. This is so exciting.
 Chandler: And here is the bottle of wine for you to bring over tonight. (Hands
 it to him.) You were also going to buy Monica flowers but you couldn't afford it,
 because you paid dinner last night.
 Joey: Thanks. Thanks, but uh actually it's just gonna be me again tonight.


Monica: What happened to Janine?
 Joey: Oh, she's uh-uh really sick.
 Chandler: Oh that's too bad.
 Joey: Yeah, she's been in there all day (Points to her room), uh high
 fever, a nose problem  Phlegm! Phlegm! Phlegm-phlegm-phlegm!
 Janine: (entering from her room) Monica! Chandler! I'm really-really sorry
 about tonight. I don't know if Joey told you; I just couldn't get out of going
 to this play. I'm sorry. Have a great time.
 Joey:  Kay!
 Janine: Bye. (Exits)
 Chandler: That's funny, I saw no phlegm.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Joey and Janine's, continued from earlier.]
 Joey: No-no, she really is sick!
 Chandler: Then why-why is she going to a play?!
 Joey: Uh, y'know, starve a fever, go to a play for a cold.
 Monica: Joey! Why is Janine not coming over for dinner?!
 Joey: Well uh, she didn't want to hang out with you guys two nights in a
 row. I'm so sorry.
 Chandler: Well, why does she not want to hang out with us?!
 Joey: Because she uh, she-she thinks that you are blah and that you, Monica, are
 too loud.
 Monica: (loudly) What?!! (Quietly) What?
 Chandler: So she was just pretending to have a good time last night? She was
 lying to our faces?!
 Monica: Ugh, I can not believe this! I mean, who is she to judge us? We could
 not have been nicer to her!
 Chandler: And I am not blah, I am a hoot!
 Joey: I know! I know! Come on, please-please you guys, don't-don't be
 mad. I'm sure she just, she just said that stuff because she was nervous and you guys
 are like my best friends! Y'know? And it was our first date! Plus, she's really
 sick!
 Chandler: No, you sh No you said you made that up!!
 Joey: I know, but don't you think the sick thing is way better than the
 play thing?
 Chandler: Eh, they're both good. I generally just go with, Monica's
 drunk again. (Monica glares at him.)
 Joey: Come on you guys, come on please-please just give her another chance, huh?
 She'll come around I promise.
 Monica: Of course we will, come on we gotta make dinner.
 Chandler: Okay.
 (They exit and close the door.)
 Monica: (from the hallway) I do not like that woman!
 Joey: (shouting) I can hear you!
 Monica: I am loud!
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are watching a movie.]
 All: Aww! (They all laugh.)
 Rachel: That's funny. (Phoebe puts her feet up on Ross's table.)
 Ross: Hey Pheebs, could you please not put your feet up on my new (On
 Rachel's glare) old sheet?
 Phoebe: Oh sure! (She goes to take her feet off, but drags the sheet with her
 which spills the wine.) Noo!
 Rachel: Ohh!!
 Ross: My apothecary table!!!
 Phoebe: What?!
 Rachel: Noooooo!! (Phoebe lifts up the sheet to discover the exact same
 apothecary table they have.)
 Phoebe: Ross, where did you get this?!
 Ross: I got it at Pottery Barn!! Okay?!
 Rachel: Oh my God, Phoebe, Pottery Barn has ripped off the design of our
 antique!
 Phoebe: Wow! Oh my God, well if they've ripped off our table ours must be
 much more than one and fifty dollars!
 Rachel: Oh yes.
 Phoebe: Well this doesn't even smell like opium.
 Ross: Of course not, it smells like wine, which you spilled! And thanks for
 wrecking my sheet by the way.
 Phoebe: Oh Ross, calm down, I'll give you the 80 cents. (Ross glares at
 Rachel)
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are sitting at the kitchen table.]
 Chandler: Okay, one more time.
 Monica: Chandler, would you like some more orange juice?
 Chandler: Perfect decibel.
 Monica: (loudly) I know!!!
 Joey: (entering) Hey!
 Chandler: Hey.
 Joey: So uh, what are you guys doing?
 Chandler: Oh nothing, we're just talking. Y'know, blah-blah-blah.
 Joey: Look, come on you guys, you said you were gonna try! All right look, I
 came over here to invite you guys to a movie with me and Janine.
 Monica: Well, I'd like to but, (extremely quietly) I'm not sure we
 have time to go.
 Joey: Ha-ha, very funny Look! I don't know what to do! I really want
 you guys to get along. Just please come to the movie with us. I mean you owe me!
 Monica: We owe you?!
 Joey: That's right! I helped you guys out a lot in the start of your
 relationship. Huh? I helped you guys sneak around for like six months, and I looked like
 an idiot! And I was humiliated. And I only made 200 dollars!
 Monica: We didn't give you any money! (Chandler is motioning,
 'No!')
 Joey: You don't think I know that!
 [Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Rachel is showing Ross around the newly decorated living
 room.]
 Rachel:  see I can't decide whether it would go better next to the new
 wicker dining chair, the Sahara desk, or the Parker console table.


Ross: Wow! I didn't know that there was a Pottery Barn up here.
 Rachel: I know, I know. I went a little crazy.
 Ross: A little? Your place looks like page 72 of the catalogue. Oh look at that!
 The ornamental bird cage! Large!
 Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
 Rachel: Hey.
 Phoebe: (sees Ross) Oh Ross no. Be careful, that is very old! Okay? Early
 Colonial bird merchants used to bring their birds to market in that.
 Ross: (glaring at Rachel) Fascinating.
 Phoebe: (gasps) Another amazing find! Wow! Oh I bet this has a great story too!
 Rachel: Oh it does, it does! It is a room separating apparatus from Colonial
 times.
 Phoebe: Ah!
 Ross: Hmm, a lot of this stuff is from Colonial times. Hey, what are some other
 time periods Rachel? (She glares at him.)
 Rachel: Well there's yore. And uh, y'know, yesteryear.
 Phoebe: Yeah no, I'm telling you Rachel has such a great eye for this
 stuff. Ross, y'know if you ever decide you need to redecorate And I think that
 you should. You should, you should ask Rachel to help.
 Rachel: Oh honey he doesn't need my help.
 Phoebe: Oh, come on! I think he's ready to get rid of, what did you call
 it? The cheap knock-offs and dinosaur junk.
 Ross: Really?! (To Rachel) Hey, y'know what? Since you have such a great
 sense of what I need, uh ooh, here's-here's 60 bucks, why don't you take
 Phoebe down to that Colonial flea market of yours and get me some stuff.
 Rachel: (not sure of what to do) Y'know what? I don't, I don't
 think Phoebe really wants to come.
 Phoebe: No! I do want to!
 Rachel: Oh, she does want to.
 Ross: She does want to.
 Phoebe: Yeah!
 [Scene: The Street, Phoebe and Rachel are heading back from that Colonial flea market.]
 Rachel: Pheebs, I don't know what to say. I guess the flea market was just
 better last time.
 Phoebe: Well at least I got these sheets for Ross.
 Rachel: Yeah.
 (They walk by a Pottery Barn window display.)
 Phoebe: Uck, look at this! Pottery Barn, yuck!
 Rachel: Yeah, y'know what? Don't look at it. (Realizes the display is
 their living room) Seriously, don't look at it. (Tries to pull Phoebe away.)
 Phoebe: No! Look-look! There's the coffee table they stole from us!
 Rachel: Ugh, those bastards! Let's go.
 Phoebe: That fan kinda looks like ours. And the birdcage and the wait a
 sec! This is our exact living room!
 Rachel: No! No! No! No it's not! No it's not! Come on! Phoebe, ours is
 totally different! I mean we don't have the  (Looks desperately for something
 different.) We don't have the that lamp! And-and that screen is y'know, on
 the other side.
 Phoebe: Oh my God. This is where you got all our stuff, Pottery Barn! Oh
 my God!
 Rachel: Okay! Okay-okay look no I did, I just wanted this stuff and I know
 how you feel about Pottery Barn. Just  Come on don't be mad.
 Phoebe: No-no-no, but I am mad! I am mad! Because this stuff is everything that
 is wrong with the world! And it's all sitting up in my living room and all I can
 think about is how I don't have that lamp!
 Rachel: Well then honey, buy the lamp! Hey, we have that 60 bucks from Ross.
 Phoebe: I can't! I can't! Unless  Well are you saying that-that
 you would move out if-if I didn't buy that lamp?
 Rachel: What?! No! I'm not gonna move out!
 Phoebe: But are you saying that you would move out if I didn't buy that
 lamp?
 Rachel: (gets it) Oh. Yes! I would so move out!
 Phoebe: Okay then I don't have a choice! I have to buy that lamp!
 Rachel: That's right!
 (They start to go inside.)
 Phoebe: But at least the apothecary table is real.
 [Scene: The hallway, Joey, Janine, Monica, and Chandler are returning from their second
 date.]
 Joey: Well, this-this-this was great. Didn't everybody have a great time?
 Janine: Well I did. I really did. And you guys, I've got to say, I'm
 sorry if I was a little weird after the last time we went out. I guess I was just nervous
 or something.
 Chandler: That's totally understandable.
 Monica: Don't worry about it.
 Janine: So we can go out again?
 Chandler: Oh yeah!
 Monica: Absolutely!
 Janine: Oh good.
 Joey: Oh well then, good night!
 Monica: Good night! (They go into their respective apartments.)
 [Cut to Joey and Janine's, they're entering.]
 Joey: See? Eh, wasn't that fun?
 Janine: We have got to move!
 Monica: (bursting in) I knew it!! Y'know, you're not so quiet
 yourself, missy!
 Chandler: And I'm blah? Listen, the only thing more boring than watching
 modern dance is having to listen to you talk about it, (Imitating her) 'Oh Chandler,
 I just lost myself in the moment.'
 Janine: Y'know, I know you're talking, but all I hear is, 'Blah.
 Blah. Blah-blah-blah.'


 The One With The Joke
 The One With The Joke
 Teleplay by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
 Story by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, Rachel and Monica are there. Ross walks in with
 a magazine in his hand.]
 Ross: Hey, you're not going to believe this. I made up a joke and sent it
 in to Playboy. They printed it!
 Phoebe: I didn't know Playboy prints jokes.
 Ross: Yeah, they print jokes, interviews, hard-hitting journalism. It's not
 just about the pictures.
 Monica: That didn't work on mom, it's not going to work on us.
 Ross: (showing them the page) Here, check it out. It's the first
 one, too.
 (They all laugh indifferently, except Chandler, who's a little angry.)
 Chandler: That is funny. It was also funny when I made it up.
 Ross: What?
 Chandler: I made that joke up.
 Ross: Uh, oh-oh, no you didn't. I did.
 Chandler: Yes, I did. I told it to Dan at work, and he said it was the funniest
 joke he'd ever heard.
 Ross: Hey, tell Dan,  Thanks.'
 (Rachel is looking at the magazine and laughing.)
 Ross: What?
 Rachel: I'm sorry, I was just reading the joke below it. Man, that one is
 funny. (Ross grabs the magazine away from her.)
 Chandler: Monica, you remember me telling you that joke, right?
 Monica: No.
 Chandler: Seriously?
 Monica: Well, you tell a lot of jokes!
 Ross: Look, Chandler, it's my joke. But, hey, if it makes you feel any
 better they don't print the name, so it doesn't really matter who gets credit,
 right?
 Chandler: Yeah, I guess.
 Joey: (entering) Hey guys.
 Chandler: (jumping up from his chair) Hey, Joey, Playboy
 printed my joke.
 Ross: No, it's my joke, it's mine. You can call them, they'll
 tell you.
 Chandler: It's my joke.
 Ross: It's my joke.
 Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa. Jokes? You guys know they have naked chicks in there,
 right?
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey is sitting at the counter as Chandler enters.]
 Chandler: Dude, you have got to turn on Behind the Music. The band Heart
 is having a really tough time, and I think they may break up.
 Joey: Let's go watch it at your place.
 Chandler: Nah, Monica's watching some cooking show. Come on, I don't
 want to miss when they were skinny.
 Joey: Chandler, Chandler, y'know what we should do? You and I should go out
 and get some new sunglasses.
 Chandler: What? No, I want to watch this. (He turns on the television and the
 screen is completely covered in snow). Did your cable go out?
 Joey: No, that's VH-1. I gotta tell you, the music these kids listen
 to today . . . It's like a lotta noise to me. I don't know
 Chandler: Joey, why is your cable out?
 Joey: I uh, oh! Because, uh, I haven't really paid the bill
 Chandler: If you need money, will you please-please just let me loan you some
 money?
 Joey: No, Chandler. Look, forget about it, okay? Look, I know things have been a
 little tight since Janine moved out. Oh, was she hot.
 Chandler: Whoa ho.
 Joey: I know! Yeah, but, look I can handle it. All right? Look, I can listen to
 the radio, huh? And Ross gave me this great book (holds up the Playboy magazine).
 Chandler: (picks up the phone) All right, you want to see if the joke stealer
 will let us watch the show at his place?
 Joey: Sure.
 Chandler: (with phone to ear, obviously hearing no dial tone) Paid your phone
 bill?
 Joey: Not so much.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Rachel are on the couch looking at the Playboy
 magazine. When they hear someone coming, Monica goes to hide it under the sofa cushions.]
 Phoebe: (entering) Hey.
 Monica: (relieved) It's only you.
 Phoebe: Wh-wh-what are you doing?
 Rachel: We are looking at a Playboy.
 Phoebe: Oh, I want to look too! (She runs over and sits down and checks out a
 picture). Yikes!
 Monica: So do you think that these pictures Are, are they trying to tell a
 story?
 Rachel: Oh, yeah, sure. I mean, like in the case of this young woman, she has
 lost her clothes, so she rides naked on the horse, she's crying out,  Where are
 they, where are they?'
 Monica: Well, she's not going to find them lying in the grass like that.
 (They flip through the pages to another picture.)
 Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Aw, remember the days when you used to go out to the barn,
 lift up your shirt, and bend over?
 Rachel and Monica: Yeah.
 Rachel: You see, now, I would date this girl. She's cute, she's
 outdoorsy, you know, and she knows how to build a fire. I mean, that's got to come in
 handy
 Monica: Okay, I've got a question. If you had to pick one of us to date,
 who would it be?


Rachel: (thinks) I don't know.
 Monica: Me neither.
 Phoebe: Rachel.
 Monica: What?!
 Phoebe: I don't know. (Pause) Me neither.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, and Ross are sitting on the couch.]
 Joey: You forget how many great songs Heart had.
 Chandler: Yeah.
 Ross: You know, Barracuda was the first song I learned to play on the keyboard.
 Chandler: So, you heard it, you repeated it, so that must mean you wrote it.
 Joey: Oh, you guys, with this joke. I gotta say, I know I cracked up, but
 I'm not even sure I got it.
 Ross: What, you didn't get it? The doctor is a monkey.
 (He and Chandler crack up.)
 Chandler: And monkeys can't write out prescriptions.
 (He and Ross crack up again. Joey just sits there)
 Chandler: (stops laughing, to Ross) You are not allowed to laugh at my joke.
 Ross: Your joke? Well, I think  the Hef' would disagree, which is why
 he sent me a check for one hundred ah-dollars.
 Chandler: So, you stole my joke, and you stole my money.
 Ross: Well, I was going to stick it in the ATM, but now I think I'll show
 the sexy teller that I am a published writer.
 Chandler: Well, she is going to know that you stole the joke.
 Ross: Oh, what are you going to do, follow me down there?
 Chandler: Yeah!
 Ross: Well, I'm not going to go now anyway (he goes to sit down).
 Chandler: Okay (he goes to sit down).
 (Ross leaps out of his chair and runs out the door, with Chandler in hot pursuit.)
 Gunther: (handing Joey the bill) Here you go.
 Joey: Ah, Gunther, I can't pay for this right now because I'm not
 working, so I've had to cut down on some luxuries like uh, payin' for stuff.
 Gunther: Well, if you want, you can work here.
 Joey: Uh, I don't know. Ya see, it's just, see I was a regular on a
 soap opera y'know? And to go from that to this, I just  Plus, I'd have to
 wait on all my friends.
 Gunther: Okay, but the money's good, plus you get to stare at Rachel as
 much as you want.
 Joey: What?!
 Gunther: Flexible hours.
 Joey: Maybe I could be a waiter. Could I use the phone?
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, they are in bed together.]
 Monica: (visibly upset) She picked Rachel. I mean, she tried to back out of it,
 but it was obvious. She picked Rachel.
 Chandler: (visibly upset) He took my joke, he took it.
 Monica: It's wrong. You know what else is wrong? Phoebe picking Rachel.
 Chandler: You know who else picked Rachel? Ross, and you know what else Ross
 did? He stole my joke. You know what? I'm going to get a joke journal. Y'know?
 And document the date and time of every single one of my jokes.
 Monica: That's a good idea.
 Chandler: Yeah!
 Monica: Do you know what's a bad idea?
 Chandler: Picking Rachel.
 Monica: That's right. (A noise comes from the living room.) Did you hear
 something?
 Chandler: Maybe it's the sound of Ross climbing into my brain and stealing
 my thoughts.
 Monica: It's coming from the living room.
 (They go out to investigate, and find Joey wrapped in a blanket watching their
 television.)
 Joey: (sheepishly) I finished my book. (Chandler and Monica slowly retreat back
 to bed.)
 [Scene, Phoebe and Rachel's, they're sitting together on the couch.]
 Monica: (entering) Hey, you guys.
 Phoebe and Rachel: Hey.
 Monica: (laughing) Oh, don't you guys look cute. You guys make
 such a cute couple.
 Rachel: Monica, what are you doing?
 Monica: (laughing harder) Nothing, I'm just trying to recreate
 some of the fun that we had at my place the other day. (To Phoebe) Remember, when you
 picked Rachel over me? That was funny.
 Phoebe: I guess it was kinda funny.
 Monica: (angrily) It wasn't funny at all! Why would you do that?
 Why didn't you pick me?
 Phoebe: Fine. The reason that I was leaning a little bit more toward Rachel than
 you is just that you're   just   kinda high maintenance Okay
 let's go to lunch!
 Monica: That is completely untrue. You think I'm high maintenance? Okay,
 prove it. I want you to make a list and we're going to go through it point by point!
 Phoebe: No, okay, you're right. You're easy-going. You're just
 not as easy-going as Rachel. She's just more flexible and-and mellow. That's
 all.
 Rachel: (To Monica) Well, people are different.
 Phoebe: Ya, you know, Rachel   she'll do whatever you want.
 Y'know, you can just walk all over her.
 Rachel: What? Wait a minute. What are you saying, that I'm a pushover?
 I'm not a pushover.
 Phoebe: Oh, okay, (laughing) you're not a pushover.
 Rachel: Oh my   you think I'm a pushover. Well wait, watch this, you
 know what? You're not invited to lunch. What do you think of that? I think
 that's pretty strong, that's what I think. Come on, Monica, let's go to
 lunch. (She leaves)


Monica: (to Phoebe) You start working on that list. (She grabs her
 coat and leaves, too.)
 [Cut to the hallway.]
 Rachel: I cannot believe her.
 Monica: I know. Where do you wanna go eat?
 Rachel: Oh, oh, I love that Japanese place.
 Monica: I'm sick of Japanese. We're not going there.
 Rachel: All right, wherever you wanna go is cool.
 Monica: All right.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are there as Ross enters and sees
 Gunther.]
 Ross: (showing the Playboy magazine to Gunther) Oh, hey, Gunther, check this
 out.
 (Gunther looks at the joke and laughs.)
 Gunther: Yeah, that-that Chandler cracks me up.
 (Ross begins to say something, realizes what Gunther just said, turns, and glares at
 Chandler. Chandler just shrugs it off.)
 Joey: Hey Ross, listen, you want anything to drink,  cause I'm heading
 up there.
 Ross: Uh, yeah, I'll take a coffee. Thanks, man.
 Joey: Sure. (To Monica and Rachel) Coffee?  Cause I'm going up there.
 Rachel: No.
 Monica: No, thank you.
 Joey: (to a table of strangers) You guys need anything,  cause I'm
 heading up there.
 Woman: I'd love an ice water.
 Joey: You got it.
 Monica: Joey, what are you doing?
 Joey: Just being friendly. (He gives Monica a  what's wrong with
 you?' look and proceeds to walk behind the counter.)
 Rachel: Joey, honey, I don't think you're supposed to go back there.
 Joey: Nah, it's okay. Right, Gunther? (Winks at him as if they're in
 on a secret together.)
 Gunther: Don't wink at me. And put on your apron.
 Joey: Okay, but I don't see you asking any other paying customers to put on
 aprons.
 Monica: Joey, do you work here?
 Joey: No.
 Customer: Hey, waiter.
 Joey: Yeah?
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]
 Monica: Joey, what's going on. What didn't you tell us you work here?
 Joey: It's kind of embarrassing, y'know. I mean, I was an actor and
 now I'm a waiter. It's supposed to go in the other direction.
 Chandler: So is your apron. You're wearing it like a cape.
 Joey: I mean, the job's easy and the money's good, you know? I guess
 I'm going to be hanging out here anyway. I might as well get paid for it, right? I
 just feel kind of weird serving you guys.
 Rachel: Come on, Joey, I did it and it was fine.
 Ross: Yeah, why would it be weird? Hey, Joey, can I get some coffee?
 Joey: Okay, I guess it doesn't seem that weird.
 Ross: Seriously, I-I asked you before and you still haven't gotten it.
 Joey: See, now it's weird again.
 Chandler: I think it's great that you work here. You're going to make
 a lot of money, and here's your first tip: Don't eat yellow snow. (He laughs,
 then picks up a pen, glares at Ross, and writes in his journal). Ah ha ha, 2:15,
 coffeehouse.
 Rachel: Well, you know what? This is great. Finally, I have someone I can pass
 on my wisdom too. Let me tell you about a couple of things I learned while working at the
 coffeehouse. First of all, the customer is always right. (Joey nods.) A smile goes a long
 way. (Joey smiles) And if anyone is ever rude to you? Sneeze muffin.
 Joey: Thanks, Rach. Look, you guys are just terrific. Y'know? Now, how
 about clearing out of here so I can get some new customers. It's all about turnover.
 Ross: Joey, seriously, can I get my coffee?
 Joey: Oh, I'm sorry, Ross. I'll get it for you right now. And since I
 made you wait, I'll toss in a free muffin.
 (He looks at Rachel and winks, she gives him the thumbs-up sign.)
 [Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Rachel and Monica
 enter.]
 Rachel: Phoebe. We would like to talk to you for a second.
 Phoebe: Okay.
 Monica: So, maybe I am a little high maintenance. And maybe Rachel is a little
 bit of a pushover. But you know what we decided you are?
 Rachel: Yes, we are very sorry to tell you this, but you, Phoebe, are flaky.
 Monica: Hah!
 Phoebe: That true, I am flaky.
 Rachel: So, what, you're just, you're just okay with being flaky?
 Phoebe: Yeah, totally.
 Monica: Well, then, I'm okay with being high maintenance.
 Rachel: Yeah, and I am okay with being a pushover.
 Phoebe: That's great. Good for you guys.
 Monica: I am not high maintenance!
 Rachel: I am not a pushover!
 Phoebe: Who said you were?
 Monica and Rachel: You did!
 Phoebe: Oh, I'm flaky. I'll say anything.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is coming back from using the phone.]
 Joey: Hey, Gunther. Can you uh, can you cover for me? I just got an audition.
 Gunther: No, I'm leaving to get my hair dyed.
 Joey: Really?! I like your natural color. Come on man, it's a great part.
 Look, check it out. I'm the lead guy's best friend and I wait for him in this
 bar and save his seat. Listen-listen.  I'm sorry, that seat's saved.'
 Gunther: That's the whole part?


Joey: Okay, maybe he's not his best friend, but
 Gunther: Okay, I'll see you in an hour.
 Joey: Oh, man, I could totally get that part.  I'm sorry, that seat is
 taken.'
 Patron: Oh, excuse me.
 Joey: No, no, I didn't mean you. But, you believed me, huh?
 Patron: I believed you were saving this seat for someone.
 Joey: So, you'd hire me, right?
 Patron: For what?
 Joey: Exactly! All right, everybody, listen up. The coffeehouse is going to be
 closed for about an hour.
 Customers: Huh? What?
 Joey: Yeah, it's for the kids. To keep the kids off drugs. It's a very
 important issue in this month's Playboy. I'm sure you all read about it.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Ross are both pouting and sitting on the
 couch.]
 Ross: It's my joke.
 Chandler: It's my joke.
 Ross and Chandler: It's my joke.
 Ross: Y'know, I don't think we're going to settle this.
 Chandler: Let's have Monica decide.
 Ross: Yeah!
 Chandler: Yeah!
 Ross: Hey Mon.
 Chandler: Mon, get out here!
 Ross: Monica! (She appears, not sure why she was summoned.)
 Chandler: Okay, okay. You have to help us decide whose joke this is.
 Monica: Why do I have to decide?
 Chandler: Because you're the only one that can be fair.
 Ross: Yeah.
 Monica: I can't be fair. You're my boyfriend.
 Ross: Yeah, but I'm your brother. We're family. That's the most
 important thing in the world.
 Chandler: (to Ross) Don't try to sway her. (To Monica) (Softly) I'm
 your only chance to have a baby. Okay, let's go.
 Ross: We'll each tell you how we came up with the joke and then you decide
 which one of us is telling the truth me.
 Monica: Okay, Chandler, you go first.
 Chandler: Okay, I thought of the joke two months ago at lunch with Steve.
 Monica: Oh, wait, is he the guy I met at Christmas?
 Chandler: Can I finish my story?!
 Monica: Do you want me to pick you?!
 Ross: See, I would never snap at you like that.
 (Chandler motions to Monica that he'll give her two babies.)
 Monica: Continue.
 Chandler: So Steve said he had to go to the doctor. And Steve's
 doctor's name is Doctor Muppy. So I said,  Doctor Monkey?' And that is how
 the whole Doctor Monkey thing came up. (He slams his feet up on the table to emphasize his
 point.)
 Ross: Are you kidding? Okay, look. I-I studied evolution. Remember, evolution?
 Monkey into man? Plus, I'm a doctor, and I had a monkey. I'm Doctor Monkey!
 Chandler: I'm not arguing with that.
 Monica: All right, I've heard enough. I've made my decision.
 (Both Chandler and Ross are eager to hear her decision.)
 Monica: You are both idiots. The joke is not funny, and it's offensive to
 women, and doctors, and monkeys! You shouldn't be arguing over who gets credit, you
 should be arguing over who gets blamed for inflicting this horrible joke upon the world!
 Now let it go! The joke sucks!
 (Monica leaves the room)
 Ross: It's your joke.
 Chandler: Is not.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting at a table and Phoebe is on the couch. Chandler
 and Monica can be seen outside, she's lecturing him, and pushes him inside. He then
 nods to Rachel, and is obviously counting off the seconds in his head and then Monica
 makes a grand enterance.]
 Monica: Hi, Chandler. There you are.
 Chandler: Hi, oh hi.
 Monica: Hey, it's Phoebe and Rachel. Um, why don't you tell them what
 you were telling me earlier about me not being high maintenance?
 (Rachel and Phoebe exchange looks.)
 Chandler: (starts to recite a rehearsed speech) Monica is a self-sufficient,
 together lady. (Pause.) Being with her has been like being on a vacation. And what may be
 perceived as high maintenance is merely attention to detail and (He falters and
 Monica prompts him.) generosity of spirit.
 Rachel: Wow, you know what? That is the best fake speech I think I've ever
 heard.
 Phoebe: Really? I've heard better.
 Monica: Wait, wait, he came up with that himself. Tell them, Chandler.
 Chandler: (To Chandler) I'm out of words. Should I just say the whole thing
 again?
 Monica: Look, I am not high maintenance. I am not. Chandler!
 Chandler: (pauses as he struggles with what he has to say) You're a little
 high maintenance.
 Monica: Ahhh! You are on my list.
 Chandler: I'm sorry. You're not easy-going, but you're
 passionate, and that's good. And when you get upset about the little things, I think
 that I'm pretty good about making you feel better about that. And that's good
 too. So, they can say that you're high maintenance, but it's okay, because I
 like   maintaining you.
 Monica: (embarrassed) (To Phoebe and Rachel) I didn't even tell him to say
 that. (They hug). All right you're off my list.


 The One With Rachel's Sister
 The One With Rachel's Sister
 Teleplay by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer
 Story by: Seth Kurland
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is giving Rachel, Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross their bills.]
 Joey: Okay Rach, that muffin and espresso, $4.50. Ross, double latte, $2.75.
 Chandler, coffee and a scone, $4.25. And Pheebs, herbal tea, $1.25. So, all together
 that's (pauses to figure the total) $12.75.
 Chandler: This coming from the man who couldn't split our 80 dollar phone
 bill in half.
 (A good-looking woman approaches.)
 Woman: Hi!
 Joey: Hi!
 Woman: How much do I owe you for the muffin and the latte?
 Joey: Oh that's on the house courtesy of Joey Tribbiani.
 Woman: Oh great! Well, tell him thanks. And since uh, Joey seems like such a
 nice guy, maybe we could go on a date sometime?
 Joey: Well, he's not used to women being so forward with him; but uh, I
 good check with him He says it's okay. (She hands him her card.) Great! Thanks!
 Bye-bye!
 Ross: Hey Joey, how come our stuff isn't free?
 Joey: It will be when you look like that in a tight skirt! This is great!
 I'm getting more dates than ever!
 Rachel: Wait a minute, you're only giving free stuff away to the pretty
 girls?
 Phoebe: Yeah Joey that is so gross!
 Joey: How about a scone on the house baby?
 Phoebe: (giggles) I'm pretty.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone but Monica is there playing Monopoly.]
 Ross: Hey does anyone have any gum?
 Phoebe: Oh I do! (She grabs her huge purse and starts rummaging through it and
 taking out various items in a futile search for the gum.) Oh, y'know what? No.
 (Pause) Wait a second. (She removes a bag filled with water that has a goldfish swimming
 in it.) I know it's in here somewhere.
 Ross: Y'know what? I'm good! I'm good!
 Monica: (entering) Hey!
 Ross: Hey!
 Chandler: Hey, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at work?
 Monica: (congested) Ugh, they sent me home. They said I can't work if
 I'm sick.
 All: Ohh!
 Chandler: I'm so sorry you're sick.
 Monica: I'm not sick!! I don't get sick! Getting sick is for weaklings
 and for pansies!
 Rachel: Honey, no one thinks you're a pansy, but we do think you need a
 tissue. (She notices something hanging from Monica's nose, as does Joey.)
 Monica: (wiping her nose) I have not been sick in over three years! (Sneezes.)
 Chandler: I'm gonna grab you some tissue.
 Monica: I don't need a tissue! I'm fine-d!
 Ross: When you put a  D' at the end of  Fine' you're
 not fine.
 Monica: I'm fine-d. I'm fine-d! Y'know, it's a really hard
 word to say.
 (There's a knock on the door. The gang is stunned and Phoebe counts to make sure
 that everyone is there. Out of curiosity Chandler goes and answers the door.)
 Chandler: Yes?
 (A woman enters.)
 Woman: Hi, is Rachel here? I'm her sister.
 Rachel: Oh my God, Jill!
 Jill: Oh my God, Rachel!
 (They run and hug each other.)
 Chandler: Oh my God, introduce us!
 Rachel: This is Chandler. (Points at him.)
 Jill: Hi!
 Rachel: And you know Monica and Ross!
 Ross: Hi Jill.
 Rachel: And that's Phoebe (points), and that's Joey.
 Joey: Hey, (in the Joey voice) how you doin'?
 Rachel: Don't!! (Joey backs away frightened.) (To Jill) Honey, what are you
 doing here?!
 Phoebe: (To Ross) Which-which sister is this? Is this the spoiled one or
 that's bitter?
 Jill: (To Rachel) Daddy cut me off.
 Phoebe: Never mind, I got it.
 Jill: And y'know what I said to him? 'I'm gonna hire a lawyer and
 I'm gonna sue you and take all your money. Then I'm gonna cut you off!'
 Rachel: Wow! What did he say?
 Jill: That he wouldn't pay for my lawyer! Then he told me to come here and
 learn about the value of money from the one daughter he's actually proud off.
 Rachel: Oh! Did you hear that?! My dad's proud of me! My dad's proud
 of me.
 Monica: Rach? (Points to Jill.)
 Rachel: Oh yeah, sorry. Wait honey, so what did you do that made dad cut you
 off?
 Jill: Okay, I bought a boat.
 Monica: You bought a boat?
 Jill: Yeah but it wasn't for me, it was for a friend.
 Chandler: Boy did we make friends with the wrong sister! (Rachel glares
 at him.)
 Rachel: Jill, honey, I think this is the best thing that could've ever
 happened to you. I mean you needed to get out on your own anyway! And you know when I did
 it, I-I-I at first I was scared, and look at me now! I'm the only daughter dad is
 proud of! Okay, well this is, this is what you're gonna do. You're gonna get a
 job, you're gonna get an apartment, and then I'll help you and you can stay with
 us. Right Pheebs, she can stay with us?


Phoebe: Of course, yeah!
 Jill: Oh, that's so great! Okay, I'm really gonna do this! I
 don't know how to thank you guys.
 Phoebe: Ooh, I like cards.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is working as Phoebe and Ross are sitting on the couch.]
 Joey: (to a customer) Are you all finished here?
 Customer: Yes.
 Joey: Great! (Joey takes his cookie and finishes it.)
 Gunther: Okay, here are the tips for this morning. Jen gets 50, 50 for me, and
 Joey owes eight dollars.
 Joey: What?!
 Gunther: For all the free food you gave away.
 Joey: Well if it's free food, how come you're charging me for it?
 Gunther: We don't give anything away unless it's someone's
 birthday.
 Joey: Well, what if they came in third in a modeling contest?
 Gunther: No!
 Joey: (to a woman who came in third in a modeling contest) Sorry! (He grabs her
 muffin away and returns it to the serving tray.)
 Jill: (entering, carrying a bunch of shopping bags) I just had the hardest day.
 Those bags are so heavy. (Sets them down.)
 Ross: Jill, how did you pay for all this? I thought your dad took away your
 credit card.
 Jill: Oh please, I memorized those numbers when I was 15. But look at all the
 cool make-it-on-my-own stuff I got! (Holds up a red sweater) This is my 'Please, hire
 me' sweater. (Holds up a pair of black pants) And these are my, 'Don't you
 want to rent me this apartment?' pants.
 Ross: I don't think charging new clothes too your dad qualifies as making
 it on your own.
 Jill: Oh, Mr. Scientist has to get all technical!
 Phoebe: Seriously, I don't Rachel's gonna think it's a good idea.
 Jill: So who made her queen of the world?
 Phoebe: I would love that job!
 Rachel: (entering) Hey! What's goin' on?
 Jill: Hey!
 Rachel: (notices Jill's bags) Jill! Did you shop?!
 Jill: No! They did! (Points to Phoebe and Ross)
 Phoebe and Ross: Yeah, we went shopping!
 Rachel: You went shopping?! What, and then you just came in here and paraded it
 right under Jill's nose when you know she's trying to quit. Wow, you guys are
 terrible!
 Phoebe: Sorry Jill.
 Ross: Sorry-sorry Jill.
 Rachel: What'd you get?
 Phoebe: Oh well, all right, I got (Ross hands her a bag) (To Ross) thank you, I
 got uh, this y'know 'I want a job sweater.' (Holds up the same sweater.)
 Rachel: Oh.
 Phoebe: And, and then I got uh, these are apartment pants.
 Rachel: Apartment pants?
 Phoebe: Yeah, you never heard of them?
 Rachel: No, of course, of course I've heard of them! Ross, what did you
 get?
 Ross: Huh? Oh, I got this (Holds up this pink frilly thing) this!
 Rachel: A pajmena?
 Ross: Yeah! Oh, I-I love this babies!
 Rachel: Really?
 Ross: Ross, wants a pajmena?
 Ross: It's a rug. (Jill winces.)
 Rachel: Jill?
 Jill: (covers her eyes and starts crying) I'm sorry Rachel, I'm
 sorry
 Rachel: Oh, come on! You think that's gonna work on me?! I invented that!
 Jill: Right! But, I am sorry.
 Rachel: All right, it's okay. One little setback is okay, just don't
 let it happen again, all right? Now since daddy paid for all this stuff, I should
 take it all away. But I'm just gonna take the-the pajmena. (Ross hands it to her.)
 And the uh, and the uh pants. Y'know what, I'm just gonna take it all away,
  cause that way you'll just really learn the lesson. Okay? All righty, I'm
 gonna run a couple of errands and I will see you at dinner. (Leaves with all of
 Jill's stuff.)
 Jill: She took all my stuff.
 Ross: Yeah. Everything but, the little blue one. (Holds it up for her.)
 Jill: (gasps) That's the best one! Oh my God, (hugs him) thank you so much!
 Ross: Well. Hey
 Jill: Oh my gosh, that was so lame. Like a pajmena could be a rug!
 Ross: Oh yeah, how about you and the, (mimics her fake cry) 'I'm
 sorry!'
 Jill: (hits him) Shut up! I did not sound like that at all!
 Phoebe: What about, what about when I said y'know about the apartment
 pants, how dumb was I?
 (They both look at her.)
 Jill: Were you this cute in high school?
 Ross: Oh stop.
 Jill: No you stop!
 Ross: No, you stop!
 Jill: You stop!
 Phoebe: (gets up and sits between them) Okay-okay, why don't I sit here and
 you'll both stop it!
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is still very sick and is entering the living
 room from the bathroom wearing a robe. Chandler is reading a magazine.]
 Monica: Okay, so what do you, what do you want to do? Let's do something
 crazy!
 Chandler: I know, let's rest and drink lots of fluids. (Holds up a glass of
 orange juice.)
 Monica: Okay, I'll rest. But y'know if I'm going to bed, then
 you're coming with me.


Chandler: That would be impossible to resist if you weren't all drippy
 here. (Points to his nose.)
 Monica: (wiping her nose) Are you saying that you don't wanna get with
 this? (Tries to do a little sexy body rub, but it doesn't work all that well with the
 big robe.)
 Chandler: Yeah, I don't you should say that even when you're healthy.
 Monica: (in a sexy voice) Come on. (Coughs loudly.)
 Chandler: Don't take this personally okay? It's just that I just
 can't have sex with a sick person.
 Monica: I'm with you Chandler! I mean I can't have sex with a sick
 person either, that's disgusting! But I'm not sick! Let me prove it to you. We
 are two healthy people in the pribe of libe.
 Chandler: That's the thing, see I would like to stay in the pribe of
 mwha-ah-libe.
 [Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Rachel is putting away her new clothes as Phoebe enters.]
 Rachel: Hey!
 Phoebe: Hey.
 Rachel: What's up?!
 Phoebe: Umm, I think there's something you should maybe know.
 Rachel: Well, it'd better not be about the apartment pants, because I just
 pitched the idea to my boss at Ralph Lauren and she loved it.
 Phoebe: No. No. It's just I was umm, I was with Ross and Jill after you
 left and umm, I'm pretty sure I saw a little spark between them.
 Rachel: What?!
 Phoebe: Yeah I mean it's probably nothing, but I just wanted to warn you
 that there might be something there.
 Rachel: With Ross and Jill?
 Phoebe: Yeah!
 Rachel: With Ross and my sister?
 Phoebe: Yeah.
 Rachel: With my sister Jill and my ex-boyfriend Ross?
 Phoebe: Yeah.
 Rachel: Oh there is no way.
 Phoebe: Okay then.
 Rachel: Oh my God! I can not believe that! I mean I don't really like it
 when Ross goes out with anyone, but my sister isn't that like incest or something?!
 Oh my God, and they're gonna have sex! Oh! Oh no what if he marries her too?! Oh this
 is just terrible, this is just terrible. And I can't stop it! I can't I
 don't own Ross! Y'know? And Jill, she should be able to do whatever it is that
 she wants to do! And oh my God, I can't believe Ross is marrying my little sister,
 this terrible. Oh my God, this is just the worst thing that could have ever happened to
 me.
 Phoebe: But great news about the apartment pants, huh?
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is giving the bill to the same beautiful woman from before.]
 Joey: That'll be $3.85.
 Woman: What do you mean? Yesterday you said I was too pretty to pay for stuff!
 Joey: It's just I can't because my manager said I  (Gets an idea)
 (Starts singing) 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear
 Annie
 Woman: Amy!
 Joey: (still singing) ' Amy! Happy birthday to you!'
 A Male Customer: Hey, that's weird, today's my birthday too!
 Joey: Yeah, not it here it isn't.
 Jill: (entering) Sorry I'm late, what's up?
 Rachel: (on the couch) Oh hi! Y'know, I just wanted to see if there were
 any leads on the old job front.
 Jill: Oh no! But I just walked past three sales and I didn't go in. How
 strong am I?
 Rachel: That is great. Hey, y'know who doesn't have to job hunt? Ross.
 He works at the university.
 Jill: Yeah.
 Rachel: Oh so you know that, you guys talked about that, so you get along, so
 you think you're gonna go out?
 Jill: Me go out with Ross?! No! God no! What would make you think that?
 Rachel: I just, Phoebe, said y'know thought she saw something between you
 guys.
 Jill: No! I mean he's nice.
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Jill: He's the kind of guy you're friends with, y'know? But
 he's not the kind of guy you date. He's the kind of guy you'd date
 because you did. Me, not so much.
 Rachel: Oh not-not so much. Umm, what-what do you, what do you mean is there
 something wrong with Ross?
 Jill: Oh no-no-no, he's just I don't know, he's just a little
 bookish.
 Rachel: Are-are you saying he's a geek?
 Jill: You think so too?
 Rachel: No! No I, no Ross is not a geek!
 Jill: Fine, then let's just say he's not my type.
 Rachel: What handsome is not your type? Smart? Kind? Good kisser? What those
 things aren't on your list? Ross is a great guy! You would be lucky to be with him!
 Jill: Well okay, if it means that much to you, then I'll ask him out.
 Rachel: Oh no-no-no, no-no-no, that's not what I meant.
 Jill: No! Y'know what Rachel? You're right, y'know he has been
 really nice to me.
 Rachel: Yeah but, he's not your type.
 Jill: Yeah but maybe that's a good thing. Y'know I'm doing all
 these different sorts of things, and maybe I should try dating a geek too!


Rachel: Yeah but, you don't, you don't, you don't want to try to
 much too fast. Y'know? I mean, you do remember what happened to the little girl that
 tried to much too fast don't you?
 Jill: What?
 Rachel: She-she died Jill.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler has fallen asleep reading a book. Monica calls
 from the bedroom and wakes him up.]
 Monica: (still sick) Chandler!
 Chandler: Oh what is it honey, you need some tea? Some soup? (He gets up from
 the couch and goes into the bedroom to find Monica, still in the robe, lying seductively
 on the bed. Or at least she's trying too and as he enters the room, she takes the
 robe off on of her legs.) Oh-ohhhh!
 Monica: (trying to be seductive) Calling Dr. Big, Dr. Big to the bed.
 Chandler: Oh Jeez honey, I thought, I thought you were asleep.
 Monica: How could I be asleep knowing that you were in the next room.
 Chandler: I was asleep. (She takes off her robe and starts to shiver) Oh no!
 No-no honey! Y'know what's sexy? Layers. Layers are sexy. And blankets are sexy.
 And oh! Hot water bottles are sexy.
 Monica: Come on, get into bed! I want to prove to you that I'm not sick! I
 wanna make you feel, as good as I feel. (Sneezes.)
 Chandler: Would you please get some rest!
 Monica: I'm fine. (She goes into one of those half sneezing, half-coughing
 fits that you get with a bad cold or flu.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is singing Happy Birthday to yet another good-looking woman.
 Gunther is watching and is not very happy.]
 Joey: (singing) 'Happy birthday to you!'
 Gunther: You're paying for that.
 Joey: What? No-no it's her birthday!
 Gunther: You've sung Happy Birthday to 20 different women today!
 Joey: But it really
 Gunther: You are no longer authorized to distribute birthday muffins.
 Joey: Damnit! (Storms off.)
 Ross: (entering) Rach? Hi!
 Rachel: Hi!
 Ross: Did you tell your sister to ask me out?
 Rachel: Well yeah
 Ross: Oh wow! I mean, wow! I mean, I-I-I think she's cute but I-I would
 never have thought of going out with her, never!
 Rachel: Really?!
 Ross: Yeah but after you said it was okay, I figured, 'Why not?!'
 Rachel: Oh so-so not really never.
 Ross: I have to say you are a much bigger person than I am. I mean after all
 we've been through, I just y'know I wish I had a brother to reciprocate.
 Hey, if you ever want to go out with Monica, you have my blessing.
 Joey: (overhearing them) Oh-ho, and mine!
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is still sick and is hobbling out into the living
 room for some help from Chandler who's on the couch reading.]
 Monica: (entering) Chandler, I think I'm sick.
 Chandler: Really? Struck down in the pribe of libe!
 Monica: Okay, fine I admit it! I feel terrible! Would you please rub this on my
 chest? (She hands him some of that Vicks Vap-O-Rub to put on.)
 Chandler: No-no-no-no-no-no-no, you are not getting me this way.
 Monica: Come on! I really need your help!
 Chandler: No-no-no-no-no!
 Monica: Fine, I'll rub it on myself.
 Chandler: Okay.
 (To start this task, she lowers the top of her robe to reveal that she is naked from
 the waist up, well at least her back is, and starts to rub on the gunk. Chandler notices
 this, and has something start happening. I'll let you fill in the blank here.)
 Chandler: So you're just, kinda rubbing it on yourself?
 Monica: Yeah?
 Chandler: It's nice.
 Monica: Are you kidding me?! Is this; is this turning you on?
 Chandler: Yes! (Hangs his head in shame.)
 Monica: I can't believe it! What is it? Is it the rubbing or the smell?
 Chandler: It's all very, very good. (She covers up and sits down.) So you
 wanna go uh, mix it up?
 Monica: Not now, I'm sick!
 Chandler: Oh come on you big faker!
 Monica: What happened to your rule about never sleeping with sick people?
 Chandler: Well that was before all the vaporizing action.
 Monica: Okay, if you really wanna have sex
 Chandler: Okay! (Runs into the bedroom.)
 Monica: Worked like a charm.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is there as Jill enters to start her date with Ross.]
 Jill: (entering) Hi!
 Rachel: Hi! Wh-what are you doing here?
 Jill: This is where Ross and I are meeting for our date. So, what do you think?
 (She spins to show Rachel the outfit she's wearing.)
 Rachel: Well, I-I don't like it.
 Jill: Really?!
 Rachel: It's kinda slutty.
 Jill: It's yours!
 Rachel: Yeah well, I'm-I'm a slut.
 Jill: (laughs) Me too.
 Ross: (entering) Hi Jill!
 Jill: Hey!
 Ross: Hi (sees Rachel and forgets her name for a moment).
 Rachel: Rachel.
 Ross: Rachel! Well, you-you're not at home,
 you're-you're-you're right here.


 The One Where Chandler Can't Cry
 The One Where Chandler Can't Cry
 Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is still looking out the window as Joey enters.]
 Joey: (sees Rachel) Oh, uh, hey Rach. I uh, I was just coming over here to
 uh  Oh wait, I don't have to lie to you, you don't live here anymore. Uh,
 I'm eating their food. What are you doing?
 Rachel: Ross is on a date with my sister and they shut the drapes two and
 a-half-hours ago.
 Joey: Whoa, I didn't know we could date your sister!
 (Chandler and Monica enter from their room and Joey quickly hides the bag of potato
 chips behind his back.)
 Monica: Joey we know you steal our food.
 (Joey offers them some potato chips.)
 Chandler: I'm good.
 Monica: (To Rachel) Oh, are the drapes still closed hon?
 Rachel: Yeah. And y'know who should've shut their drapes? Is that
 perverted old couple two doors over.
 Chandler: (looking) Is that a swing?
 Rachel: Oh don't even ask!
 Chandler: Yuck!
 Joey: I can't believe Ross went out with Rachel's sister! When
 Chandler made out with my sister I was mad at him for 10 years.
 Chandler: That was like 5 years ago.
 Joey: Yeah you got 5 years left!
 Chandler: Joey
 Joey: You wanna make it 6?!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is on the couch reading as Rachel enters. It's the next
 day.]
 Rachel: Oh Ross, hi! Hey, how are ya? There you are!
 Ross: Hey!
 Rachel: (to Gunther) I'll take a coffee. (To Ross) So how was your big date
 last night?
 Ross: Uhh, it was okay. Yeah, it was fun.
 Rachel: Yeah fun? Great! So uh, so did you guys hit it off?
 Ross: I guess so.
 Rachel: So uh, so did anything happen? Because rumor has it you guys shut
 the drapes!
 Ross: No. No. Nothing happened. I shut the drapes to uh, show her slides of my
 favorite fossils.
 Rachel: Oh, slides. (Laughs.) So really nothing happened.
 Ross: Something could've happened. All right? She-she really dug my slides.
 And-and she was definitely giving me the vibe.
 Rachel: Right. Was it the, 'Please don't show me another picture of a
 trilobite vibe?'
 Ross: Anyway, if she, if she wasn't in to me, why-why would she ask me out
 again?
 Rachel: She asked-asked you out again?
 Ross: Yeah-uh-huh. Tomorrow night, Valentine's Day, the most romantic day
 of the year. Who knows what could happen? I might not be shutting my drapes to show her my
 slides, if you know what I mean.
 Rachel: Okay-okay-okay-okay-okay-okay-okay! I got it! I got it! I got it! I
 can't! I can't! I can't! I cannot go with you and my sister thing. Okay? I
 just can't. It's just too weird, all right? I imagine the two of you together
 and I freak out. It freaks me out. I can't do it! I can't do it.
 Ross: (while Rachel is finishing her rant) Okay! Okay! Okay! It's okay.
 (Rachel stops.) It's okay. Hey, it's too weird for you, I won't see her
 again.
 Rachel: Thank you. I yeah.
 Ross: I mean after tomorrow night.
 Rachel: No-no-no! No-no-no! Please Ross, I can't! I can't do it!
 (Starts to freak out.) It's just gonna freak me out!!!
 Ross: Okay! Okay! Ooh-hey-hey-hey! Okay! Okay! Okay! I'll-I'll tell
 her tonight I can't see her anymore.
 Rachel: Ross thanks.
 Ross: You want me to call her right now?
 Rachel: Oh no! No! No-no-no-no! No, I mean come on that's-that's
 crazy I mean that's crazy. So what's-what's going on with you? What is
 going on with you?
 Ross: Well umm, oh! I might be teaching another class this semester!
 Rachel: Yeah do it now, call right now.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey are watching ET.]
 Monica: (crying) This is my favorite part.
 Phoebe: (crying) Yeah me too.
 (We see the TV and it's the last scene where ET is saying goodbye.)
 Phoebe: Oh y'know what's sadder than this? Bambi. I cried for
 three days with that movie. No wait two! Because on the third day my mother killed herself
 so I was partly crying for that.
 Chandler: (totally not crying) Well see now that I can see crying over, but Bambi
 is a cartoon!
 Joey: (crying) You didn't cry when Bambi's mother died?
 Chandler: Yes it was very sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer!
 Monica: Chandler there's nothing wrong with crying! I mean you don't
 have to be so macho all the time.
 Chandler: I'm not macho.
 Monica: Yeah you're right. I don't know what I was thinking.
 Chandler: No, I guess I just never really cried. Y'know? I'm not a
 crying kind of guy.
 Joey: Come on man there's gotta be something that gets you choked up! Like
 uh, uh oh, what if you saw a three-legged puppy?


Chandler: I'd be sad sure, but I wouldn't cry.
 Joey: Okay, what if the puppy said, 'Help me Chandler. All the other
 puppies pick on me.'
 Chandler: Cry?! I just found a talking puppy, I'm rich!
 Monica: Oh, I've got it! I have got it! (Gets up and gets something from
 the dresser underneath the TV.) Pictures from your childhood. This will get you going
 good!
 (Chandler starts paging through the album.)
 Phoebe: All right, what's going on there? (Points to a picture.)
 Chandler: Oh, that's Parent's Day, first grade. That's me with
 the janitor Martin.
 Monica: Where were your parents?
 Chandler: Oh they didn't want to come!
 Phoebe: Oh Chandler!
 Monica: Poor thing!
 Phoebe: So that story doesn't make you cry?
 Chandler: No! Look, I don't cry! It's not a big deal! Okay?!
 Joey: No! It's not okay! It's not okay at all!! You're dead
 inside!!
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is putting away her guitar as a man approaches.]
 The Fan: Excuse me.
 Phoebe: Yeah?
 The Fan: Are you Phoebe Buffay?
 Phoebe: Yeah.
 The Fan: Can-can I get your autograph, I'm your biggest fan. (Holds out a
 napkin and a pen.)
 Phoebe: Oh you're my biggest fan? I've always wanted to meet you! Hi!
 (Shakes his hand.) Sure! Yeah! (Signs the autograph)
 The Fan: Wow! Wow, thanks a lot! I just wanna say, I think you're really
 talented.
 Phoebe: You're just saying that because you're my biggest fan. (The
 fan leaves and Joey approaches.) (To Joey) Joey listen, take good care of that guy, okay?
 (Points) He's a fan. (To the fan as she's leaving) Bye! (Exits)
 Joey: (to the fan) So, you saw me on Days Of Our Lives huh? Want me to,
 want me to do a little Dr. Drake Remoray for ya?
 The Fan: I have no idea what you're talking about. But I, but I just got
 Phoebe Buffay's autograph!
 Joey: Oh, you're Phoebe's fan!
 The Fan: Oh yeah! I've seen all her movies.
 Joey: Movies?
 The Fan: That was Phoebe Buffay, the porn star.
 Joey: (laughs) I don't think so.
 The Fan: No-no, it was! She was in Sex Toy Story 2, Lawrence of Alabia, and I
 got her autograph! The guys at the comic book store aren't gonna believe this!
 (Exits.)
 Joey: Hey Gunther, don't let that guy in here anymore! He just said
 Phoebe's a porn star!
 Gunther: Well, I wouldn't call her a star, but she's really good. You
 should check out Inspecther Gadget.
 [Scene: Central Perk, time lapse, Rachel is at the counter as Jill enters.]
 Jill: Hey!
 Rachel: Hey!
 Jill: You'll never believe what just happened, Ross just totally blew me
 off and he didn't even tell me why!
 Rachel: Ohhh well. Y'know what honey? The best thing to do to get over a
 guy is to start dating someone else. Oh! There is this great guy you will love at work
 named Bob! He's a real up-and-comer in Human Resources.
 Jill: Y'know, thanks for trying to cheer me up, but I'm not gonna date
 some random guy from your work.
 Rachel: It's not random, it's Bob.
 Jill: It's probably because not mature enough. Or smart enough. Maybe he
 doesn't like the way I dress No that can't be it. It's really gotta be
 the smart thing. Oh I'm so stupid! I'm just like this incredibly pretty
 stupid girl!
 Rachel: No honey, okay, okay, you wanna know why Ross canceled the date? Because
 I asked him to.
 Jill: You asked him too?!
 Rachel: Hm-mmm.
 Jill: Why?!
 Rachel: Because you are my sister and Ross and I have this huge history
 Jill: I don't understand, do you want to go out with Ross?
 Rachel: No.
 Jill: You don't want him, but you don't want me to have him?
 Rachel: (changing the subject) Y'know Bob in Human Resources
 Jill: Ugh! I cannot believe you did this too me! You had me doubting how smart I
 was! (Gasps) You had me doubting my fashion sense!
 Rachel: Look, this is not that big of a deal! You just don't date Ross!
 There's a million other guys out there, you just
 Jill: Hey! You have no right to tell me what to do.
 Rachel: I'm not telling you what to do! I am telling you what not to
 do!
 Jill: Why are you so jealous of me?
 Rachel: Jill this is not about me being jealous of you! This is about you being
 a brat! Wanting what you can't have!
 Jill: Can't have?! Excuse me, the only thing I can't have is dairy!
 (Starts to storm out.)
 Rachel: All right, all right, well you just blew your chances at dating Bob!
 Jill: Who?!
 Rachel: In Human Resources!!!!!!
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is ranting about Jill to Chandler and Monica.]
 Rachel:  I am jealous of her?! I mean who does she think she is?! Princess
 Caroline?!


Monica: You're jealous of Princess Caroline?
 Rachel: Do I have my own castle?
 (Joey and Ross enter.)
 Ross: Hey! Uh, Phoebe's not here is she?
 Rachel: No.
 Monica: (noticing the bag Joey's carrying) Oh great! Did you get a movie?
 Joey: Uhhh, yeah. Yeah. But uh, I don't think it's the kind
 you're gonna like.
 Chandler: You didn't get more movies that are gonna have us reaching for
 the tissues all night did you?
 (Joey and Ross exchange looks.)
 Joey: Sort of
 Monica: Guys, what's going on?
 Joey: (holds up the movie) Phoebe's a porn star!
 All: What?!!
 (They all run over to Joey and Ross, Chandler grabs the movie and reads the title.)
 Chandler: Phoebe Buffay in Buffay: The Vampire Layer.
 Rachel: Oh my God!
 Monica: That's Phoebe! Where did you get that?
 Joey: Well down at the adult video place down on Bleaker.
 Ross: And-and I, and I saw that Joey was about to go in, so I ran in ahead of
 him to-to surprise him and, and then I pretended I didn't know he was in there. (They
 all kinda look at him.)
 Rachel: Wow! I mean, I just I can't, I can't believe this.
 Y'know, I mean you think you know someone even, even Phoebe who's always been
 somewhat of a question mark.
 Monica: This is so bizarre. I guess it kinda makes sense though, y'know she
 had such a terrible childhood.
 Chandler: Hey, I had a terrible childhood and I don't do porn.
 Monica: Yes, but you are dead inside.
 Joey: All right well, I'd better take that back.
 Monica: Wh-what, why?
 Joey: We can't watch that! I mean that's Phoebe!
 Monica: Yeah you're right, we can't we shouldn't watch this.
 Rachel: Absolutely not.
 Monica: (hands the tape back to Joey, but doesn't let him grab it)
 Y'know maybe a little bit!
 Rachel: Probably just the first half.
 Joey: No! Hey no! This is wrong you guys! Phoebe's our friend! Well,
 I'm not gonna watch it!
 Ross: Yeah! Good for you Joe!
 Joey: Yeah.
 (Ross stands next to him for a second, then goes and watches the movie.)
 (The movie starts, it's a vampire's lair and Buffay, The Vampire Layer enters
 dressed in leather and carrying a wooden stake. Suddenly, the vampire opens his coffin and
 sits up.
 Buffay, the Vampire Layer: Ah, I thought I'd find you here, Nasforatool.
 The Vampire: Buffay, are you going to plunge your stake into my dark places?
 Buffay, the Vampire Layer: Actually, I was kinda hoping it would be the other
 way around.
 (At this point, Buffay, the Vampire Layer and Nasforatool start to get it on. Of
 course, since this is network TV, we can only see the reactions of the gang to the film
 playing off screen.)
 Monica: Hold on a second! What is that on her ankle?
 Chandler: Her ankle is what you're watching?
 Rachel: Well it's hard to tell  (Rachel gets up to get a closer look,
 only she's having some trouble.) Oh God, if she would just stop moving.
 Chandler: She's just doing her job!
 Joey: (sitting at the kitchen table with his back to the TV) You sick bastards!
 Rachel: Oh, it's a tattoo! That's weird, Phoebe doesn't
 Wait that's Ursula! That's not Phoebe that is Ursula!
 (Upon hearing this, Joey can't turn his chair around fast enough and knocks it
 over.)
 Joey: Re! Re! Then I can watch that! Rewind it! Rewind it!
 Phoebe: (entering) Hey! What's up? (Sees the TV) Oh my God! What am I
 doing?!!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is reading Chicken Soup for the Soul as
 Monica enters.]
 Monica: Hey sweetie!
 Chandler: Hey! (He quickly tries to hide the book by throwing it under the
 couch, only the couch has no back and it slides into the kitchen.)
 Monica: (picking up the book) Chicken Soup for the Soul?
 Chandler: There's no back to this couch!
 Monica: Why are you reading this? You hate this kind of stuff.
 Chandler: Yeah I know, but I figured a shot y'know? Maybe one of those
 stories would make me cry and then you wouldn't think I was y'know, all dead
 inside.
 Monica: Oh that's so sweet! Look Chandler I don't care if you
 can't cry, I love you.
 Chandler: Oh that makes me feel so warm in my hollow tin chest.
 Monica: Stop it!
 Chandler: No, I mean, come on, seriously think about it, we get married,
 we're up at the altar and I'm like this. (Makes a bored face.)
 Monica: I won't care, because I know you will be feeling it all in here.
 (Points to her heart.)
 Chandler: Yeah?
 Monica: Yeah! And if, and if we have a baby one-day, and the doctor hands it to
 you in the delivery room and you don't cry, so what! And-and-and, and if we take him
 to college and come home and see his empty room for the first time, and you got nothing,
 it won't matter to me.