 The One With The Cooking Class
 The One With The Cooking Class
 Teleplay by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones
 Story by: Dana Klein Borkow
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except Monica as Ross enters carrying a huge
 stack of newspapers.]
 Ross: Hey you guys I got some bad news. (He sets the stack of papers down on the
 table.)
 Phoebe: Well that's no way to sell newspapers. Why don't you try,
 'Extra! Extra! Read all about it!'
 Ross: No, Monica's restaurant got a horrible review in the Post. (They all
 gasp.) I didn't want her to see it, so I ran around the neighborhood and bought all
 the copies I could find. (He hands the paper to Phoebe and they all read it.)
 Joey: Man, this is bad! And I've had my share of bad reviews. I still
 remember my first good one though. (Quoting) 'Everything else in this production of Our
 Town was simply terrible. Joey Tribbiani was abysmal.'
 Monica: (entering) Hey!
 Chandler: Hey.
 Monica: (seeing the stack of newspapers) Oh my God! Look at all the newspapers!
 It must be a good review! Is it great?!
 Ross: Umm
 Monica: (reading) Oh dear God!
 Ross: But the good news is, no one in a two-block radius will ever know.
 Monica: What about the rest of Manhattan?!
 Ross: Yeah, they all know.
 Monica: Oh my God, this is horrible!
 Chandler: I'm so sorry.
 Monica: I'm so humiliated!
 Rachel: Yeah but y'know what they say Mon, 'There's no such thing
 as bad press.'
 Monica: You don't think that umm, (reading) 'The chef's Mahi Mahi
 was awful awful,' is bad press?
 Rachel: I didn't write it.
 Monica: Is he right? Am I really Am I awful?
 All: No!
 Joey: Yeah! Yeah Monica! You listen to me, okay? And I'm not just saying
 this because I'm your friend, I'm sayin' it  cause it's the
 truth. You're food is abysmal!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Ross and Rachel's, it's late at night, Rachel is sitting on the couch in
 the dark wide-awake as Ross walks to the bathroom.]
 Rachel: Ross!
 Ross: (startling him) What?! What?
 Rachel: I am freaking out!
 Ross: Are ya?
 Rachel: My due date is in one week!
 Ross: What are you doing up?
 Rachel: That is seven days!
 Ross: Okay look, I had a lot of water before I went to bed. Can we do this
 after
 Rachel: (interrupting him) No-no-no-no-no Ross! Please, come on we do not have
 any of the big stuff we need! We do not a changing table! We do not have a crib! We do not
 have a diaper service!
 Ross: It's funny you should mention diapers.
 Rachel: I'm serious.
 Ross: Okay look, there's nothing to worry about. We have plenty of time.
 There's a great baby furniture store on west 10th. Tomorrow, we will go
 there and we will get you everything that you need. Okay?
 Rachel: Okay. Thank you. That's great. Thank you. Wait-wait! Where on west
 10th? Because there's this really cute shoe store that has like this
 little
 Ross: (interrupting her) Okay. Okay. If uh, if you're gonna do this, then
 I'm gonna do that. (Points to the bathroom.) So  (Starts for the bathroom.)
 Rachel: (stopping him) Oh, wait Ross! I'm sorry, one more thing!
 Ross: (annoyed) Yeah!
 Rachel: Umm, our situation. Y'know umm, what we mean to each other. And I
 mean we-we're having this baby together, and we live together. Isn't that,
 isn't that weird?
 Ross: (stunned) (thinks) Well uh
 Rachel: I'm just kidding! You can go pee! (He does so in a hurry.)
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is cooking as Chandler looks on.
 Joey: (entering) Hey uh Monica, I can't remember. Did we say we were gonna
 meet here or at the movies?
 Monica: We said at the movies, but
 Joey: Okay, I'll see you there. (Starts to leave)
 Monica: Joey! (He returns) Now that you're here
 Joey: Sure, I can hang out  til I have to meet ya. (To Chandler) What
 uh How come you're not going?
 Chandler: I have a job interview I have to get ready for.
 Joey: I thought you already have a job.
 Chandler: And people say you don't pay attention. No, this is a much better
 job. It's vice-president of a company that does data reconfiguration and statistical
 factoring for other companies.
 Joey: Wow! How do you know how to do that?!
 Chandler: That's what I do now.
 Monica: Hey Joey, come taste this.
 Joey: What is it?
 Monica: Remember that guy that gave me a bad review? Well  (Feeds him a
 spoonful of what she's cooking.) I'm getting my revenge!
 Joey: You cooked him?
 Monica: No. He teaches a course on food criticism at the New School, so before
 we go to the movies I wanna go by there and make him try my bouillabaisse again. Oh, I
 cannot wait to read the front page of the Post tomorrow! 'Restaurant reviewer admits:
 I was wrong about Monica.'


Chandler: The front page? You really do live in your own little world,
 don't ya?
 [Scene: The Baby Furniture Store, Ross and Rachel are checking out.]
 Cashier: Do you uh, want these things delivered Mr. and Mrs. Geller?
 Rachel: Oh.
 Ross: Oh.
 Rachel: No-no-no! No, no, no, we're not married.
 Ross: We are having a baby together, but we're not involved. (The cashier,
 a very beautiful woman, looks confused) I mean, uh we-we were seeing each other a while
 ago, but then we were just friends. And then there was one drunken night. (Rachel looks at
 him angrily) Or, yes stranger, we'd like this delivered please.
 Cashier: Why don't you fill out this address card. (Hands him one.)
 Ross: Oh, okay.
 Cashier: I notice you picked out a lot of our dinosaur items.
 Rachel: Oh yeah! Actually, that's one of the reasons why we're not a
 couple.
 Ross: I chose those, I'm a paleontologist.
 Cashier: Really?! That is so cool!
 Rachel: Oh. Oh yeah, don't get to worked up over it. I mean it-it sounds
 like he's a doctor, but he's not.
 Cashier: Oh no-no, I'm fascinated by paleontology. Have you read the new
 Walter Alvarez book?
 Ross: Yeah! I-I teach it in my class.
 Rachel: Oh my God! I'm standing at a cash register, holding a credit card,
 and I'm bored.
 Cashier: (looking at the completed address card) Oh, I love your neighborhood.
 There's a great gym right around the corner from your building.
 Ross: That's my gym.
 Cashier: I can tell you work out. (Ross is please and Rachel looks at him
 confused.) A paleontologist who works out, you're like Indiana Jones. (Rachel has a
 disbelieving look on her face.)
 Ross: I am like Indiana Jones.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Rachel enters.]
 Rachel: Hi Pheebs!
 Phoebe: Hey! Oh, how did baby shopping go?
 Rachel: Oh, it was great! We got everything that we needed! Oh and Ross, almost
 got something that wasn't on the list. A whore.
 Phoebe: What?!
 Rachel: Well, we were paying for our stuff and this saleswoman just started
 flirting with him.
 Phoebe: Well did she know you two weren't married?
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Phoebe: Oh my God! Well the idea of a woman flirting with a-with a single man,
 we-we must alert the church elders!
 Rachel: You don't understand! You didn't see how brazen she was.
 Phoebe: Sounds like you're a little jealous.
 Rachel: No! I'm not! I-I-I just think it's wrong! It's-it's
 that I'm Here I am about to pop and he's out picking up some shop girl at
 Sluts  R' Us!
 Phoebe: Is that a real place? (Rachel's stunned) Are they hiring?
 Chandler: (entering) Hey Phoebe! (To Rachel) Fatty!
 Phoebe: Hey Chandler, why so fancy?
 Chandler: Well, I got a job interview. It's kinda a big deal too. Its a lot
 more money and I'd be doing data reconfiguration and statistical factoring.
 Phoebe: Wait, I think I know someone who does that.
 Chandler: Me! I do that. So  Seriously, do I look okay? I'm little
 nervous.
 Rachel: Oh yeah! You really You look great.
 Phoebe: Yeah, just don't get your hopes up.
 Chandler: Why not?
 Phoebe: Well, the interview
 Chandler: What about it?
 Phoebe: Y'know! You don't make a very good first impression.
 Chandler: (shocked) What?!
 Phoebe: Oh you don't know.
 Chandler: Are you serious?!
 Phoebe: Yes, when I first met you, you were like, 'Blah, blah, blah.'
 I was like, shhh!
 Chandler: What is it that I do?
 Phoebe: Well it's just like you're trying too hard. Always making
 jokes, y'know, you just You come off a little needy.
 Chandler: (To Rachel) Did you like me when we first met?
 Rachel: Chandler, I'm not gonna lie to ya, but I am gonna run away from
 you. (Gets up and hurries out.)
 [Scene: The New School, Monica, carrying her dish, and Joey are confronting the food
 critic.]
 Monica: Hi! Umm, I'm Monica Geller, I'm the chef at Alessandro's.
 The Food Critic: Still?
 Monica: I think the things that you said about me are really unfair, and I would
 like for you to give my bouillabaisse another chance.
 The Food Critic: I don't see any reason why I would do that to myself
 again.
 Joey: Either eat it, or be in it.
 Monica: Spoon? (Hands him one and he tastes it.) So, what do you think?
 The Food Critic: I'm torn, between my integrity and my desire to avoid a
 beating. But I must be honest, your soap is abysmal. (Throws down the spoon and walks
 out.)
 Joey: Thata girl! Huh? We should get out of here; there's a new class
 comin' in.
 (They start to leave.)
 The Cooking Teacher: Welcome to introduction to cooking. Now, before we start,
 can anyone tell me the difference between a hollandaise sauce and a bearnaise sauce? (No
 one can.)
 Monica: I can.
 The Cooking Teacher: Okay, go ahead.


Monica: Well umm, they both have a egg yolk and butter base, but a bearnaise has
 shallots, shirvel, and most importantly tarragon.
 The Cooking Teacher: That's very good, what's your name?
 Monica: Monica.
 The Cooking Teacher: Monica, you go to the head of the class.
 Monica: Okay. (Does so.)
 [Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are unpacking and setting up their new
 purchases.]
 Rachel: All this stuff takes up a lot of room. Hey how uh, how serious are you
 about keeping Ben in your life?
 Ross: My son? Pretty serious. (There's a knock on the door and Ross answers
 it.) Oh hey Katie! (The cashier from before) What uh, what are you doing here?
 Katie: Well, the delivery went out to you and I realized they forgot this. (A
 blanket.)
 Ross: Ah, must've been fairly obvious since it was the only thing left in
 your store.
 Katie: Listen, to be honest, home deliveries are really a part of my job
 description.
 Ross: Oh. (Reaches into his pocket for some money as Rachel enters the living
 room and watches holding two stuffed dinosaurs.)
 Katie: Oh uh I actually came here to ask you out.
 Ross: Oh! Wow! Uh, yeah! That sounds great. I'm just gonna put this (The
 money) back in my pocket, pretend that didn't happen. Uh yeah, actually
 I'm free now. Do you wanna grab some coffee or
 Katie: Sure!
 Rachel: Horny bitch. (They both look at her, pretending that the dinosaurs
 she's holding are arguing.) No! You're a horny bitch! Noooo! You're the
 horny bitch! No! You're a horny bitch!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Ross and Rachel's, continued from before.]
 Rachel: So you guys go, have a really good time.
 Ross: (To Katie) Yeah, I'm just gonna grab my coat. And uh, and my whip.
 (Katie looks worried.) Y'know because of the Indiana Jones? (Katie laughs) Not-not
 because I'm-I'm into S&M. (Katie's worried again.) I'm
 not-I'm not into anything weird. Y'know? Just-just normal sex. (Katie is
 uncomfortable.) So, I'm gonna grab my coat. (Does so, leaving Katie and Rachel
 alone.)
 Rachel: So, you had a good day huh? Big commission; picked up a daddy.
 Katie: Are you okay with this?
 Rachel: Oh yeah! Yeah please, you guys have fun.
 Katie: Okay. It was nice to see you.
 Rachel: Oh and it was great to see you too. And you look fantastic, although you
 missed a button.
 Katie: Oh umm, actually I umm
 Rachel: Oh okay, I see what you're doing there.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Phoebe are entering.]
 Chandler: I can't even believe this! I really come off that badly?
 Phoebe: Oh! It's okay, you calm down after a while and then people can see
 how really sweet and wonderful you really are.
 Chandler: Oh good. Good, because I'm sure this interview is gonna last a
 couple of weeks.
 Phoebe: All right, don't freak out! Okay? I-I will help you. How
 long before you have to leave?
 Chandler: An hour.
 Phoebe: I can't help you.
 Chandler: Phoebe!
 Phoebe: All right, all right, we'll just do our best. Okay? So let's
 say I'm the interviewer and I'm meeting you for the first time. Okay. 'Hi!
 Come on in, I'm uh, Regina Philange.'
 Chandler: Chandler Bing.
 Phoebe: Bing, what an unusual name.
 Chandler: Well you should meet my uncle, Bada. (Pause) I'll let myself out.
 [Scene: The Cooking Class, Joey is trying to cook as the teacher walks over to him.]
 Joey: Hi.
 The Cooking Teacher: Your Fettuccini Alfredo looks a little dry, did you use all
 your cheese?
 Joey: When you say used, do you mean eat as a pre-cooking snack?
 The Cooking Teacher: And the cream?
 Joey: Cheese makes me thirsty.
 The Cooking Teacher: Okay. Let's move on.
 Joey: All right.
 The Cooking Teacher: (To Monica) Oh! Something smells good over at Monica's
 station! (She tries Monica's fettuccini.) Oh my God! This is absolutely amazing!
 You've never made this before?
 Monica: Oh no! I don't know anything about cooking. I had to ask someone
 what it's called when the, when the water makes those little bubbles.
 The Cooking Teacher: Well, hats off to the chef.
 Monica: I-I-I'm sorry, your-your mouth was full, I didn't hear what
 you said. Umm, hats off to who now?
 The Cooking Teacher: The chef!
 Monica: That's right.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Phoebe are still working on his
 interviewing techniques.]
 Chandler:  I think you'll find if I come to work here, I don't
 micro-manage. I don't shy away from delegating.
 Phoebe: Um-hmm, that's good to know. But let's stop focusing on what
 you don't do, and start focusing on what you do do.
 Chandler: (suppressing a smile) What I do do is manage to uh, create an
 atmosphere of support for the people working with me.
 Phoebe: I see. Nice sidestep on the do do thing by the way.


Chandler: Hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
 Phoebe: You gotta go!
 Chandler: Oh! (Stands up.)
 Phoebe: Okay, don't worry. You're ready.
 Chandler: Really?
 Phoebe: Absolutely! Just fight all your natural instincts and you'll be
 great.
 Chandler: Okay.
 [Scene: The Cooking Class, everyone has finished baking a batch of cookies and the
 teacher is going around tasting them.]
 The Cooking Teacher: Ah Monica, my star student.
 Monica: Y'know, you called me that before so I-I took the liberty of
 fashioning a star out of aluminum foil. Now, no pressure, you like my cookies, you give me
 the star. (Hands it to her.)
 The Cooking Teacher: (tasting the cookie and with her mouthful) Oh, yum-yum-yum.
 (Hands the star back.)
 Monica: Wow! A star! (The class glares at her.) I know you all hate me and-and
 I'm sorry, but I don't care.
 (The teacher goes to Joey's station.)
 The Cooking Teacher: Okay Joey, you're up next. (Tries one of his cookies.)
 This are good! This is amazing! You get an A!
 Joey: I can an A? In-in school? (To Joey) Hey, I'm a dork.
 Monica: Joey! I'm so proud of you!
 The Cooking Teacher: I think you should give him your star.
 Monica: Excuse me? He doesn't even know what he's doing!
 The Cooking Teacher: We're all beginners here. Nobody knows what
 they're doing.
 Monica: I do! I'm a professional chef! (The class gasps.) Oh relax!
 It's not a courtroom drama!
 The Cooking Teacher: If you're a professional chef, what are you doing
 taking Introduction to Cooking?
 Joey: Yeah!
 Monica: I'm-I'm sorry, it's just that umm  Well I-I cook at
 this restaurant, Alessandro's, and umm I just got a really bad review
 The Cooking Teacher: Oh Alessandro's! I love that place!
 Monica: You do?
 The Cooking Teacher: Oh yes! You're an excellent chef! As a person
 you're a little
 Monica: Oh, I'm totally crazy, but you-you like the food?
 The Cooking Teacher: Very much.
 Monica: Okay then, I don't stink. I'm a good chef. Okay. (Starts to
 leave.)
 Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! I don't want to go. I'm having fun.
 The Cooking Teacher: Well actually, did either of you pay for this class?
 Joey: Hey-hey-hey, if my friend says it's time to go, it's time to go.
 (Starts to leave, but comes back for his cookies.)
 [Scene: An Office Building, Chandler is on his interview.]
 Chandler:  also I was the point person on my company's transition from
 the KL-5 to GR-6 system.
 The Interviewer: You must've had your hands full.
 Chandler: That I did. That I did.
 The Interviewer: So let's talk a little bit about your duties.
 Chandler: (nervous) My duties? (Trying not to crack a joke) All right.
 The Interviewer: Now you'll be heading a whole division, so you'll
 have a lot of duties.
 Chandler: (trying not to laugh) I see.
 The Interviewer: But there'll be perhaps 30 people under you so you can
 dump a certain amount on them.
 Chandler: (really try not to laugh) Good to know.
 The Interviewer: We can go into detail
 Chandler: No don't I beg of you!
 The Interviewer: All right then, we'll have a definite answer for you on
 Monday, but I think I can say with some confidence, you'll fit in well here.
 Chandler: (relieved) Really?!
 The Interviewer: Absolutely. (They walk to the door.) You can relax; you did
 great.
 Chandler: Yeah I gotta say thank you, I was really nervous. Y'know
 I've been told I come on to strong, make to many jokes, and then it was really hard
 to sidestep that duty thing. (The interviewer doesn't understand) Duties. (Still
 doesn't.) Duties! (Still doesn't.) Poo. (Still doesn't.)
 The Interviewer: Poo?
 Chandler: Oh my God this doesn't count! Okay? The interview was over, that
 was the real Chandler Bing in there, this is just some crazy guy out in the hall! Call
 security! There's a crazy guy out in the hall!
 The Interviewer: Poo?!
 Chandler: I'll look forward to your call. (Walks away.)
 [Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross is returning from his date.]
 Ross: Hey.
 Rachel: Hi! You're back from your date!
 Ross: How are you?
 Rachel: I'm fine, but that's not important. What's important is
 how was she?
 Ross: Uhh, it was fun. We, we just had coffee.
 Rachel: Oh uh-huh, uh-huh, coffee, a little rub-rub-rub under the table.
 Ross: What's uh, what's going on? Do you not, do you not like Katie?
 Rachel: No! No, she's She was nice. I mean, she's a little
 slutty, but who isn't?
 Ross: I liked her.
 Rachel: Of course you did Ross, you would date a gorilla if it called you
 Indiana Jones!
 Ross: Did you get like a fresh batch of pregnancy hormones today?!
 Rachel: No! It's just that, Kate bothered me.
 Ross: Why? What was wrong with her?
 Rachel: There was nothing wrong with her! All right? She was perfectly lovely!


 The One Where Rachel Is Late
 The One Where Rachel Is Late
 Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is showing everyone a poster as Ross enters.]
 Ross: Hey! What are you guys looking at?
 Joey: Oh, it's a poster for that World War I movie that I'm in, check
 it out.
 Ross: Yeah? Wow! It looks really violent!
 Joey: Uh-huh! I know. I'm coming soon to a theater near you! I'm in
 THX! I'm unsuitable for children!
 Ross: Now I cannot wait to see this.
 Joey: Yeah, yeah, it's already generating Oscar buzz.
 Phoebe: I started that!
 Joey: I thought I did! Oh hey guess what? The premiere is next week and
 you're all invited! (They all gasp.)
 Monica: Are we gonna take a limo?
 Joey: Sure! Why not?!
 Monica: Oh I love taking limos when nobody died!
 Rachel: Well obviously I won't be able to come, for those of you who
 haven't checked their calendars today is my due date. Well y'know, I just want
 to take a moment and thank you guys for how great you've been during this time. I
 really couldn't have done it without you. And I have loved these last nine
 months! And even though I am so looking forward to the next part, I am really gonna miss
 being pregnant.
 [Scene: Central Perk, time lapse, and Rachel is entering still pregnant.]
 Rachel: That's right, still no baby! (To Monica, Joey, and Chandler on the
 couch) Come on people! Please make some room!
 Ross: Uh sweetie, maybe you'd be more comfortable here? (Gets up from the
 green armchair.)
 Rachel: You. Like you haven't done enough.
 Ross: Look, I-I know how miserable you are, I wish there was something I can do.
 I mean I wish I were a seahorse. (She glares at him) Because with seahorses it's the
 male, they carry the babies. And then also umm, I'd be far away in the sea. (He sits
 back down.)
 (Rachel turns and looks at the group on the couch and they move over. Chandler measures
 the room they've made with his arm and decides it's not enough and they all move
 over again.)
 Rachel: God. (Sits down.) I have never been so uncomfortable in my entire life!
 Phoebe: Oh I know, I've been there. I remember toward the end
 Rachel: (interrupting her) Oh Phoebe, that's a great story. Can you tell it
 to me when you're getting me some iced tea? (Phoebe gets up and Rachel groans.) (To
 the baby) Oh God, get out! Get out!! Get out!! Get out!!
 Chandler: Let's. (Everyone gets up and leaves Rachel.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are there as Rachel
 enters.]
 Chandler: Hey! Did you have the baby yet?
 Rachel: Do you want me to come over there and sit on you?  Cause I'll
 do it.
 Monica: What are you doing here so early?
 Rachel: They sent me home from work. They were like, 'Start your maternity
 leave now! Just rest, get ready for the baby.' Well y'know what? Screw  em!
 If they don't want me there, I'll just hang out with you guys.
 Phoebe: Or you can do volunteer work.
 (Joey's cell phone rings and he answers it.)
 Joey: Hello?
 Estelle: Joey! It's Estelle! Great news, I was able to get you and one
 guest tickets to your premiere.
 Joey: One guest? You told me I can have six tickets!
 Estelle: Well, I sold four of them on Ebay. You'll be sitting next
 to HotGuy372.
 Joey: Oh my God. So that's it?! I only get to bring one guest?
 Estelle: Yeah, what time do you wanna pick me up? (Joey hangs up on her.) Hello?
 Joey: (to Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe) Did you hear that? I only get one extra
 ticket to my premiere. So some how I have to pick between you three and Ross.
 Rachel: (overhearing that) What-what about me?
 Joey: You said you didn't want to go.
 Rachel: I don't. But I would still like to be acknowledged. What? Just
 because I'm pregnant you think I'm invisible.
 Joey: Definitely not invisible.
 Monica: Well, well Ross didn't care enough to be here, so I think he's
 out. You snooze you lose.
 Chandler: He's not snoozing, he's teaching a class.
 Monica: Well then somebody's snoozing. Joey, not that this uh should affect
 you at all, but if you were to pick me, I was planning on wearing a sequined dress, cut
 down to here. (Points to her stomach just above her belly button.)
 Chandler: I haven't seen this dress.
 Monica: Star in a movie.
 Phoebe: Joey, you pick who ever you want. Okay? You just listen to your heart.
 What does it tell you? (Mimicking a heartbeat and tapping her chest.) Phoebe, Phoebe.
 Joey: Well uh I think I want to take Chandler.
 Phoebe: (still mimicking a heartbeat, only faster)
 Phoebe-Phoebe-Phoebe-Phoebe Burrrrr! (Mimics the sound of a cardiac monitor going
 off.)


Chandler: You really want to take me?
 Joey: Yeah! Yeah! I mean I'm sorry, I wish I can take everybody, but
 y'know Chandler always supported my career. He's paid for acting classes and
 head shots and stuff and well this will be my way of paying you back.
 Chandler: So you're never actually going to pay me back?
 Monica: Wait a minute, just because he paid for your head shots you're
 gonna take him? Joey, I don't think you're comprehending just how slutty this
 dress is!
 Joey: It's not just the stuff he paid for, I mean it's-it's
 everything. Y'know? He read lines with me. He-he went with me on auditions when I was
 really nervous, and then he consoled me after I didn't get parts that I really
 wanted. You always believed in me man. Even, even when I didn't believe in myself.
 Chandler: I always knew you were gonna make it. I'm so proud of you.
 Joey: Thanks. That means a lot to me.
 (They look at each other and smile for a while.)
 Phoebe: Mon, maybe one of these guys wants to wear your dress.
 Joey: (in a manly voice) I'm gonna go shave. (Gets up.)
 Chandler: (in a manly voice) Yeah well, I'm gonna go spit. (He goes into
 the bedroom. On his way out, Joey gives Rachel a wide berth.)
 Rachel: Oh, I have to pee. If I don't come out in five minutes it's
 because I've choked to death on the potpourri stink. (Goes into the bathroom.)
 Phoebe: When she comes out, you hold her nose, I'll blow in her mouth, and
 the kid will just (makes a popping sound) right out of her.
 Monica: She's over a week late! She gotta have it today, right?
 Phoebe: I don't know. I-I think it's still gonna be a while.
 Monica: Hmm, care to make it interesting? I'll bet you that she'll
 have it by this time tomorrow.
 Phoebe: You're on!
 Monica: Okay, how much?
 Phoebe: One hundred thousand dollars!
 Monica: How about fifty bucks?
 Phoebe: Fine! I'll call Zurich and move some money around.
 Rachel: (calling from the bathroom) All right, who's turn is it to help me
 get up!
 (They both look at each other, then Phoebe gets an idea.)
 Phoebe: No one's here! (Monica looks at her.) Oh damnit!
 [Scene: The World Premiere of Over There, Joey and Chandler are arriving in a limo and
 are about to walk down the red carpet.]
 Chandler: This is so exciting! It's so glamorous! People taking our
 picture. How do I look?
 Joey: A little tall.
 Chandler: What?
 Joey: Do you mind crouching down a little bit, so that I look taller? (Chandler
 does so) There you go. (And they walk down the red carpet.)
 Chandler: It's just so glamorous.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is entering, still pregnant.]
 Phoebe: Oh hey Mon? Rach is here! Ohh, you're still pregnant. Oh, I'm
 sorry. I know how uncomfortable you are. Y'know what? You look great. Yeah, like
 fifty bucks.
 Rachel: Oh, I have to go pee. Apparently this baby thinks that my bladder is a
 squeeze toy. (Goes to the bathroom.)
 Monica: Damnit! Damnit!! Here's your fifty bucks! (Pays Phoebe.)
 Phoebe: It's interesting that you lost. Now, I forget, do you like to lose?
 Monica: Now stop it! Double or nothing that she has it by tomorrow!
 Phoebe: Fine! You're on!
 Monica: Okay.
 Phoebe: Until then, General Grant, why don't you set up camp (She puts the
 bill in her bra) right there.
 Ross: (entering) Hey is Rachel here? We have a doctor's appointment.
 Monica: She's in the bathroom.
 Ross: Rach, we gotta go.
 Rachel: In a minute!!!
 Ross: People ask me why we're not together, I just don't know what to
 tell them.
 Rachel: (entering) All right, all right. Let's go!
 Ross: Uh, do you wanna go change first? The doctor's keeping the office
 open late for us, but if you hurry
 Rachel: No, I'm fine.
 Ross: Really? You don't think that's a little inappropriate.
 (She's wearing a tank top and has her belly sticking out.)
 Phoebe: Good God man don't anger it.
 Rachel: Ross, it is 100 degrees outside. For the first time in weeks, I am
 somewhat comfortable.
 Ross: Fine! Fine! Y'know what? Whatever you want. Okay? You're the
 mommy.
 Rachel: Oh uh-uh pal! Don't call me mommy! It's bad enough you call
 your own mother that. (He looks at Monica.)
 Monica: I'm actually with her on this one.
 [Scene: Inside Joey's Premiere, he is intently watching the movie.]
 Joey: (onscreen) 'I thought I knew who the enemy was, but it was you all
 along.'
 Joey: (To Chandler) Okay, this is it. It's my big fight scene coming up.
 (He looks over and Chandler and notices that he's asleep.)
 [Scene: Dr. Long's Office, Ross and Rachel are waiting for the doctor. Ross is
 drumming his fingers on the bed.]


Rachel: Ross.
 Ross: Yeah?
 Rachel: Can I ask you something?
 Ross: Uh-huh.
 Rachel: When Carol was pregnant with Ben
 Ross: Mmm?
 Rachel:  were you this irritating?
 Ross: Wow!
 Rachel: Excuse me?!
 Ross: Oh nothing. Nothing! Just uh, you've been a little short with me
 lately. I'm not trying to irritate you.
 Rachel: Well then you just must have a natural talent for it.
 Ross: Y'know what? The doctor will be in soon, why don't we not speak
 until then.
 Rachel: (silently) Okay. (Pause) Seriously, breathe louder Ross! That's
 great!
 Ross: Y'know we should probably ask the doctor if she even knows how to
 deliver a baby that's half human and half pure evil!
 (Dr. Long enters.)
 Rachel: Hi Dr. Long, how are you?
 Ross: (to Rachel) Oh, you're nice to her.
 Rachel: She has the drugs!
 Dr. Long: We'll do a quick check.
 Rachel: Okay. (Rachel lies back.)
 Dr. Long: So, eight days late huh?
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Dr. Long: You must be a little uncomfortable.
 Rachel: Eh, just a tad.
 Dr. Long: You're about 80 percent effaced, so you're on your way. It
 still could last a little while longer. If you're anxious there are a few ways to
 help things along.
 Ross: Do them!!
 Dr. Long: Actually, they're things you can do. Just some home remedies, but
 in my experience I've found that some of them are quite effective.
 Rachel: Well, we are ready to try anything.
 Dr. Long: Okay, there's an herbal tea you can drink.
 Rachel: Okay.
 Dr. Long: You can take some caster oil, there's eating spicy foods
 Rachel: Great! We will do all of those.
 Dr. Long:  taking a long walk, and then there's the one that's
 proved most effective: sex.
 (Rachel turns and looks at Ross.)
 Ross: You've got to be kidding me!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Joey's Premiere, the movie is ending and it takes the applause to wake up
 Chandler.]
 Chandler: Good job Joe! Well done! Top notch!
 Joey: You liked it? You really liked it?
 Chandler: Oh-ho-ho, yeah!
 Joey: Which part exactly?
 Chandler: The whole thing! Can we go?
 Joey: Oh no-no-no, give me some specifics.
 Chandler: I love the specifics, the specifics were the best part!
 Joey: Hey, what about the scene with the kangaroo? Did-did you like that part?
 Chandler: I was surprised to see a kangaroo in a World War I epic.
 Joey: You fell asleep!! There was no kangaroo! They didn't take any of my
 suggestions! That's for coming buddy. I'll see you later. (Starts to walk out.)
 Chandler: Don't go! I'm sorry. I'm so sorry! (Sees another guy
 who is still asleep.) Look! This guy fell asleep! He fell asleep too! Be mad at him!
 (Looks at him more closely.) Or, call an ambulance.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Rachel are there as Phoebe and Monica enter.]
 Monica: Hey!
 Ross: Hey.
 Rachel: Hi!
 Monica: What did the doctor say? Any news on when the baby will come?
 Rachel: No. But she did give us some ideas on how to induce labor.
 Ross: Yeah, we tried them all. We went for a walk, uh we tried a special tea,
 caster oil, spicy food nothing has worked.
 Rachel: Well, there is one thing that we haven't tried, but someone thinks
 that, (mimicking Ross) 'That will open up a can of worms.'
 Monica: Well what is it? What is it? If it's gonna help bring the baby
 here, like today. I mean, I think you should do it.
 Ross: It's sex.
 Monica: Do it!
 Ross: Monica!
 Monica: I'm just saying it's been a really long time for you. I mean,
 women have needs. Do it, get yours!
 Phoebe: Oh I-I don't know about that. No, I think that if the two of you
 had sex the-the-the repercussions would be catastrophic.
 Monica: All right, let's be practical, if Ross isn't willing to do it,
 he's not the only guy in the world you can have sex with. You can borrow
 Chandler Chandler is good!
 Ross: Monica, what is the matter with you?
 Monica: Nothing. I just want the baby to be born today.
 Rachel: Why? Why today?
 Monica: Okay fine! I keep betting Phoebe that you're gonna have the baby
 and I don't want to lose again!
 Ross: What?! While she's been going through this hell, you've been
 making money?! You're betting on your friend staying in this misery?! (Phoebe lowers
 her head and shakes it yes.)
 Rachel: I'll take that bet.
 Ross: What?!
 Rachel: Well, I'm miserable here! I might as well make some money out it!
 Ross: Can I get some of that action?
 Monica: Wait a minute! Now I'm betting against all three of you?
 Rachel: Oh honey, don't worry. I really do feel like tomorrow's the
 day.
 Monica: Oh, okay!
 (Rachel turns her head to Ross and Phoebe and mouths, 'No way.')
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is there as Joey enters.]


Joey: Hey! Sleeping beauty!
 Chandler: Where have you been?! I tried to call you! I want to talk to you! I
 still feel so bad!
 Joey: (in a baby voice) Oh no, were you upset? Did you lose sleep?
 Chandler: I'm so sorry.
 Joey: Uh-huh look, the only reason I can over here was to settle things between
 us! Okay? You've done a lot for me and my career, I wanted to pay you back so I took
 you to the premiere but you missed it! Okay, so how much do I owe you?
 Chandler: What?!
 Joey: Give me a number, I don't want to owe you anything!
 Chandler: You don't owe me anything, I don't want you money
 Joey: Ah-ah-ah! We're doing this! Okay, now you got me my first set of head
 shots. Right, how much were those?
 Chandler: I don't know, five hundred dollars?
 Joey: Okay, five hundred dollars. What else?
 Chandler: Well then there was the second set, the infamous booger head shots.
 Joey: Okay, so that's another five hundred. Five hundred and five hundred,
 that's  (Pauses to figure it out.)
 Chandler: Do you want a calculator?
 Joey: Please!
 Chandler: Here! (Hands him one. Joey adds it up and discovers that he was
 right.)
 Joey: All right, what else?
 Chandler: Well uh, there was acting classes, stage combat classes, tap
 classes
 Joey: Which we're still keeping under our hats!
 Chandler: Uh then there was that dialect coach who helped you with that play
 where you needed a southern accent. Which after twenty hours of lessons still came out
 Jamaican.
 Joey: What the hell are you talking about, (in a Jamaican accent) 'The
 south will rise again man.'
 Chandler: Yes, money well spent!
 Joey: Yeah. Okay, what else? Rent!
 Chandler: Okay, two, three years of rent, utilities, food
 Joey: Okay. Okay, so I'm writing you a check for So you fell asleep
 during my movie. Big deal right? How do you clear this thing?
 [Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are trying the home remedies again.]
 Ross: Come on, finish your enchilada.
 Rachel: Ross I We tried all the spicy food. It's not working.
 Ross: Okay here, have one of these peppers. Oh ha  Oh God! So so hot!
 (Rubs his eyes.) Oh my (Laughs.) By the way, you don't want to touch the pepper
 and then touch your eye.
 Rachel: I am feeling nothing. Speaking of hot, watching you do that really makes
 me want to have sex with you.
 Ross: Stop it.
 Rachel: Oh come on Ross, why are we wasting our time with this other stuff?! We
 know what's gonna work! It's doctor recommended!
 Ross: I'm sorry, but we have to have some boundaries! My God, I'm
 dying.
 Rachel: Oh come on Ross, we've done it before we'll do it again,
 it'll be a nice way to bookend the pregnancy.
 Ross: This is insane, I'm not gonna make love to you just so that
 you'll go into labor.
 Rachel: Make love? What are you a girl?
 Ross: Always a great way to get in a man's pants.
 Rachel: But you will, you will be performing a service. Okay? Just-just think of
 me as a ketchup bottle, y'know you sometimes you have to bang on the end of it just
 to get something to come out.
 Ross: I love when you talk dirty to me.
 Rachel: Oh, I know it. You're right. That's not sexy. Oh Oh!
 (Drops a fork on the floor.) Whoops! Oh, I seem to have dropped my fork. Let me just bed
 over and get it. (Tries too, but can't quite seem to make it.) Oh God!
 Ross: Okay enough! This is, this is not going to happen.
 Rachel: Come on Ross! I'm miserable here! Come on! You started this, now
 you finish it! Come on wuss, make love to me.
 Ross: Y'know what?
 Rachel: What?!
 Ross: Forget it.
 Rachel: Oh wow! What now Ross you're not gonna talk? How on earth will you
 ever annoy me? Oh wait a minute, I know. (Mimics his breathing.) I mean you'd think
 the damn jalepeno would've cleared up your sinuses, but no!! That's not
 enough  (Ross jumps over and kisses her.) What are you doing?!
 Ross: I'm getting that baby out of you!
 (They kiss again.)
 Rachel: (breaking the kiss) Oh God!
 Ross: Oh, I know.
 Rachel: Oh no. No-no! I think my water just broke.
 Ross: I am good. Okay! Okay! Uh, I got the pillow! I got the bag! You got the
 keys?
 Rachel: Okay! I got the keys! Okay! Okay!
 Ross: Hey!
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Ross: We're having a baby.
 (They hug and then kiss one more time.)
 Rachel: I didn't uh, really have time to read this part of the books, but
 do you think we have time to
 Ross: Not so much.
 Rachel: Okay.
 Closing Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is paying Phoebe.]


 The One Where Rachel Has A Baby
 The One Where Rachel Has A Baby
 Part I Written by: Scott Silveri
 Part II Written by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman
 Parts I & II Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: The Hospital, Ross and Rachel, who's in a wheelchair, are arriving in the
 waiting room for the maternity ward.]
 Ross: All right! (Checking his watch) Yes!! From home to the hospital in under
 seven minutes! We did it!!
 Rachel: (deadpan) Yes, the hard part is truly over.
 Ross: No, but come on, we're off to a great start aren't we? I knew
 I'd get you here fast, but this has got to be some kind of a record!
 (Phoebe and Monica walk in from getting some coffee.)
 Phoebe: Oh you made it!
 Rachel: Hi! (Ross is stunned.)
 Monica: How are you doing?
 Ross: Wait a minute! How-how the hell did you beat us here?
 Monica: We took a cab. Did you guys walk?
 Ross: N  No! We took a cab too, but I did test runs!
 (Chandler and Joey enter from the vending machines carrying sodas.)
 Chandler: Hi!
 Joey: Hey! You made it!
 Ross: Okay is there some kind of magic tunnel to this hospital?!
 Rachel: Ross, you stay here and talk, I'm gonna go have a baby.
 Ross: Okay. Okay. (To the nurse behind the desk.) Umm hi, this is Rachel Green.
 I'm Ross Geller. We-we called from the car.
 Nurse: Right! We have a semi-private labor room waiting for you. So in just a
 minute
 Rachel: (interrupting her) Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! I'm sorry, semi-private? We
 (Laughs), we asked for a private room.
 Nurse: Yes, I see that here. Unfortunately we can't guarantee a private
 room and currently they're all unavailable.
 Chandler: Man, if only you'd gotten here sooner. (Ross turns and glares at
 him.)
 Nurse: I'm sorry. Semi-private rooms are all we have.
 Rachel: Okay. Just give us a second. Ross! (They walk away from the desk.)
 Ross: Yeah?
 Rachel: Give her some money.
 Ross: I really think they're out of rooms.
 Rachel: They're not!! Ross, they're just saving them for the important
 people!! Okay?! What-what if I was the president?!
 Ross: Well then we'd be in a lot of trouble, you don't know where any
 countries are. (Rachel glares at him.) Okay. (He goes over to the desk followed by
 Rachel.) Uh, say would you umm  Would you mind checking again to see if any umm,
 private rooms may have (Handing her some money) opened up?
 Nurse: This is a hospital.
 Rachel: (standing up) Okay. Y'know what? I'd have to say I really
 don't care for your tone. And this is not the only hospital in this city and we have
 no problem to Whoa! (She starts a contraction) Oh gosh! Whoa!
 Ross: What-what?
 Rachel: Ow! Ow! Contraction. (Sits back down.) Ow-ow! Ow-ow! (Starts breathing
 heavily.)
 Nurse: Would you like to see a semi-private room?
 Rachel: Yeah, it couldn't hurt to look.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Rachel is in bed, Ross is fooling around, and Dr.
 Long is checking on Rachel.]
 Dr. Long: Well you're only two centimeters dilated and we need to get to
 ten. It'll be a while.
 Rachel: Oh, okay.
 Dr. Long: I'll be back in an hour to check you again.
 Ross: Thank you.
 Rachel: Thank you. (Dr. Long exits.) Well, I guess we have some time to kill.
 Ross: Yeah, guess so. Whew! Check these out! (He's looking at the stirrups
 on the other bed in the room and Rachel groans. Ross then hops into the bed and puts his
 legs into the stirrups.) Never done this before.
 Rachel: Yeah well it looks great!
 (A nurse shows another couple into the room.)
 Man: Thank you very much.
 Woman: Thanks.
 (They stop when they see Ross who has to struggle to get out of the bed.)
 Ross: Hi! Hi, I'm uh Ross. I'm here to ruin this magical day for you.
 Man: Oh no-no, not at all.
 Woman: Don't worry about it.
 Man: Marc Coreger, this is my wife Julie.
 Ross: Hi Julie.
 Julie: Hi.
 Ross: This is Rachel. (Points at her.)
 Rachel: Hi!
 Marc: Oh hi Rachel.
 Rachel: How are you?
 Julie: Hi. Is this your first?
 Rachel: Yeah it is.
 Julie: Well, little Jamie here is our third. So, if you have questions or you
 need anything at all, just holler.
 Rachel: That's so sweet.
 Ross: Yeah.
 Rachel: Oh.
 Ross: Umm say, I-I opened this earlier (The privacy screen) but let me give you
 guys some privacy.
 Marc: No nonsense! We're all in this together.
 Julie: Yeah, we are going to share every moment of this with you. And I think
 we're gonna have some fun.
 Marc: Yeah.
 Ross: Oh, okay.
 Marc: Hey! Smile! (Points his camera at Ross and Rachel.)
 Rachel: Oh no, I really don't want any (He takes the picture) Oh!
 Thank you. Oh. Oh Ross


Ross: What?
 Rachel: Here comes another contraction.
 Ross: Oh. Okay, just breathe.
 Julie: Oh honey, I think I'm having one too!
 (During the mutual contraction Julie takes a moment to point out they're having a
 contraction at the same time.)
 Marc: Look at this! (Takes another picture) There we go!
 [Scene: The Waiting Room, the rest of the gang is lounging around.]
 Phoebe: (looking at the clock) Oh wow, three hours and still no baby. Ugh, the
 miracle of birth sure is a snooze fest.
 Monica: Hey, you wanna see something?
 Phoebe: Sure! What?
 Monica: Umm, this is going to be fun. Watch me freak out Chandler. Honey?
 Chandler: Yeah?
 Monica: Listen uh, I-I've been doing some thinking, and I don't know
 whether it's because we're here or Rachel's giving birth but umm, I think
 we should try to have a baby.
 Chandler: Okay.
 Monica: (freaking out) What-what-what's that now?!
 Chandler: Okay. I've been thinking about it too, and I, I think we're
 ready.
 Monica: What?! Are you kidding me?! You-you-you think we're ready to have a
 baby now?!
 Phoebe: Oh, this is fun.
 Joey: You're ready to have a baby? My boy's all grown up!
 Chandler: But you said you were ready too.
 Monica: Yeah but I was just screwing with you to try to get your voice all high
 and weird like mine is now!
 Chandler: Yes, but haven't you wanted a kid like forever?
 Monica: Okay, just back off mister! Whoa. (Pause)  Cause I am ready
 to have a baby. I just want Joey to be the father.
 Joey: (voice all high and weird) What?! Are you crazy?!
 Monica: That's it! Right there! Is all I wanted!
 [Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, time lapse, Ross is massaging out a cramp on
 Rachel's hip as Marc opens up the privacy screen.]
 Marc: I am so sorry. The doctor insisted on closing the curtain for the exam.
 Rachel: Oh, that's very Really very-very okay.
 Marc: Julie's cervix is dilated a seven centimeters, that's about four
 fingers. The doctor let me feel it myself.
 Julie: Have you felt Rachel's cervix Ross?
 Rachel: (simultaneously as Ross) No, I don't think we'll be doing
 that.
 Ross: (simultaneously as Rachel) We're not gonna do that.
 Julie: Well, if you like you can feel Rachel's and then feel mine to
 compare.
 Mrs. Geller: (entering) Am I interrupting?
 Ross: Uh yes! Thank you.
 Rachel: Oh. Oh wait no.
 Ross: Later.
 Rachel: No-no-don't! Don't leave me here with these people.
 Ross: Oh uh, I'm sorry. (Runs out.)
 Rachel: No Ross! Ross! Ross! My child has no father!
 [Scene: The Hallway, Ross comes out and hugs Mrs. Geller.]
 Ross: Hi! I'm so glad you're here, but it's gonna be a while. I-I
 wished you'd called first.
 Mrs. Geller: Oh that's all right, I'm coming back later with your
 father.
 Ross: Oh good.
 Mrs. Geller: I actually needed to talk to you before the birth.
 Ross: Okay, what's up?
 Mrs. Geller: I brought something that I want to give you, assuming of course
 that you want it. (She holds up an engagement ring.)
 Ross: Ma, you're asking me to marry you?
 Mrs. Geller: This is your grandmother's engagement ring, I want you to give
 it to Rachel.
 Ross: Mom no, come on! Thank you.
 Mrs. Geller: Just hear me out!
 Ross: N-no! Okay? We've been through this! We're not gonna get married
 just because she's pregnant, okay?
 Mrs. Geller: Honestly! Ross, this isn't just some girl you picked up in a
 bar and humped. A child should have a family.
 Ross: Mom, y'know what? I-I can't deal with this right now. I'm
 sorry
 Mrs. Geller: Just think about it. If you don't, I'll talk more
 about humping.
 Ross: Gimmie! (Takes the ring and puts it in his coat pocket as Rachel enters
 the hallway.)
 Rachel: Hi!
 Mrs. Geller: Oh hi dear!
 Rachel: Oh, thank you so much for coming. Ross, get in here!
 (Mrs. Geller leaves as Ross re-enters the room.)
 [Scene: The Waiting Room, Ross is explaining to the gang what happened with his
 mother.]
 Ross:  she came and dragged me out of the labor room to ask me why I'm
 not with Rachel.
 Phoebe: Yeah. (Pause) Why aren't you with Rachel?
 Ross: Are you kidding? Look, we're not gonna be together just because
 we're having a baby. Okay?
 Phoebe: But y'know what? It just seems that you two belong together.
 Ross: Okay, stop it! I can't deal with this right now. I have to go have a
 baby.
 Phoebe: Right. And with who again? (Ross exits.)
 Joey: God. He's crazy! Why doesn't he want to be with Rachel?
 Phoebe: I know!
 Joey: I mean seriously, she's like the perfect woman. I mean I know she
 turned me down, but if she hadn't and wanted to be with me, I would take her in my
 arms and  (Realizes everyone is staring.) I haven't bummed you guys out like
 this in a while have I?
 [Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Ross is returning to find another couple has taken
 the place of Marc and Julie.]


Ross: (To Rachel) Hey. Who's that?
 Rachel: New people.
 Ross: What happened to the Disgustingtons?
 Rachel: They're having their baby! It's not fair Ross we got here
 first! Right after you left they wheeled her off into delivery. Oh but not before she gave
 me a juicy shot of little Jamie just crowning away.
 Ross: Wow! Sorry. So uh, how are the new people?
 Rachel: Well they have uh, some unusual pet names for each other. Including umm,
 evil bitch and uh, sick bastard. Oh God oh! Contraction!
 Ross: Yeah? Okay.
 Rachel: Ooh! Ow!!
 Evil Bitch: Are you looking at her?!
 Sick Bastard: No!
 Evil Bitch: Don't you look at her you sick bastard!
 Sick Bastard: Honey I swear! I wasn't looking at her!
 Evil Bitch: She's in labor! You like that you sick son of a bitch!
 Ross: Umm. Umm, I'm-I'm just gonna (Closes the privacy screen.)
 Evil Bitch: See? See? It was because you were looking fat pervert!
 Ross: No-no, I'm I'm sure no one was looking. Just want some
 privacy. (He closes the screen and stares wide-eyed at Rachel.)
 Evil Bitch: You miss your girlfriend?
 Ross: Just ignore them.
 (Sick Bastard sits down in a chair that enables him to look around the screen and stare
 at Rachel.)
 Rachel: Ross.
 Ross: What? What?
 Rachel: He's looking at me.
 Ross: (to him) Hey! You wanna live to see your baby?!
 Evil Bitch: Don't you talk to my husband like that you stupid bastard!
 (Ross shrugs his shoulders to Rachel and Sick Bastard closes the screen all the way.)
 [Scene: Outside the Nursery, Chandler is looking at the babies as Monica walks up.]
 Monica: Oh good God! If you want a baby so bad just go steal it!
 (The nurse attending to the babies hears this, turns and stares at Chandler. Chandler
 moves Monica to the side and away from the nurse.)
 Monica: What is going on with you? Since when are you so crazy about babies?
 Chandler: I'm not crazy about babies. I'm crazy about us.
 Monica: What?
 Chandler: Look, we've always talked about having babies someday. I'm
 not saying it has to be right now, but I'm starting to think that we can handle it.
 We're good. We're really good.
 Monica: We are pretty good.
 Chandler: But nothing has to happen until your ready.
 Monica: Well maybe I'm ready now. I mean, it's a little scary, but
 maybe it's right.
 Chandler: What?! It's not right! We're not ready to have a kid now!!
 Monica: What?!!
 Chandler: I'm kidding. This is going to be fun.
 Monica: So we're gonna try? I mean, are we trying?
 Chandler: We're trying to get pregnant. (They start kissing, but Chandler
 stops it.) Y'know I'm not really comfortable doing this in front of the babies.
 So, when do you want to start trying?
 Monica: Okay, hold on a sec.
 Chandler: Period math?
 Monica: Yeah.
 Chandler: Yeah.
 Monica: Well, we could start trying. Now.
 Chandler: Right here?
 Monica: No, not here. Maybe here.
 Chandler: Wait a minute, it's perfect. We got a lot of time to kill and
 we're in a building that's full of beds!
 Monica: And it's so clean!!
 (They run off in search of a bed.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: The Vending Machines, Phoebe is buying a soda and Joey is shaking the candy
 machine.]
 Joey: Come on you stupid machine! Come on!
 Phoebe: Oh, it ate your money?
 Joey: (looking at her) No.
 Phoebe: All right, I'll see you downstairs then.
 Joey: All right.
 Phoebe: All right.
 Joey: Hey I got one! I got one!
 [Cut to the elevator lobby, Phoebe walks up and sees a man in a wheelchair with his
 broken leg extended.]
 Man: Hi!
 Phoebe: Hi.
 Man: Oh uh, up or down?
 Phoebe: Oh down please. (The guy tries to reach the button, but can't.) I-I
 hate to be a ball buster can I just do it? (She pushes the button.)
 Man: Could you press up too please?
 Phoebe: Sure! I feel so bad for you; I broke my leg once too.
 Man: Oh yeah? How'd yours happen?
 Phoebe: Well, it's a long story. It's kind of embarrassing. Let's
 just say there was a typographical error with a sex manual. (The guy laughs.) How about
 you?
 Man: Car accident.
 Phoebe: Oh.
 Man: Oh, let me guess some idiot on a cell phone wasn't paying attention?
 Man: Yeah. Me. (The elevator door opens.) Oh hey, that's me. (Rolls onto
 the elevator.) Hey uh, I take it you're just visiting someone.
 Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah.
 Man: Well umm, if you have sometime y'know and maybe you might want to
 visit someone else
 Phoebe: Oh yeah! I-I would like that.
 Man: I'm in the middle  (The elevator door closes, cutting him off.)
 Phoebe: Wait! What?! No!! Elevator!! No!
 Joey: (standing behind her) Uh, you gotta press the button. (Does so.)
 [Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Evil Bitch and Sick Bastard are gone and Ross has
 just finished talking to a nurse as Rachel stands and stretches.]


Ross: The nurse said they're bringing in another woman.
 Rachel: Ugh, is she pregnant yet? She doesn't need to be; she'll still
 have the baby before I do. Oh Ross, another contraction! (Leans back on Ross for some
 support.)
 Ross: That's it. That's it.
 (The next couple enters.)
 Woman: Oooh, that sounded like a bad one.
 Rachel: Yeah it was.
 Woman: Mine haven't been so bad. Oh! Here comes one now. (Hums then squeals
 a little bit.) Oh, that was a big one!
 (Rachel motions for Ross to close the privacy screen, which he does.)
 [Scene: Another Waiting Room, Phoebe and Joey are trying to find out where the guy with
 the broken leg is.]
 Phoebe: (to the nurse) Excuse me? Could you help me with something? The patient
 I'm looking for has a broken leg and is in a wheelchair. And umm, he's like
 early to mid-thirties, very attractive.
 Nurse: I think I know who you're talking about.
 Phoebe: Oh yay! Great! Okay, what room number is he in?
 Nurse: I'm sorry, that information is restricted to hospital staff
 Joey: (walks up) Uh, she's with me. (Introduces himself) Dr. Drake Remoray.
 Nurse: Dr. Drake who?
 Joey: Remoray. It's Portuguese. We need that information; I'm a
 doctor.
 Nurse: A doctor at this hospital?
 Joey: Damnit woman we're losing precious time! Now do you want this
 man's blood on your head?
 Phoebe: Hands.
 Joey: Hands! It is absolutely essential that you tell me what room the man my
 assistant described is staying in. He's a patient of mine, I've been treating
 him for years!
 Nurse: He's in room 816.
 Joey: 816, thank you!
 Phoebe: Thank you. (Starts to exit.)
 (Joey starts to leave, but stops.)
 Joey: And what is his name?
 Phoebe: (coming back for Joey) No! (Grabs Joey and drags him away.)
 [Scene: An Empty Hospital Room, Chandler and Monica enter.]
 Monica: I think we found a place.
 Chandler: Okay. (They start kissing.)
 Monica: Umm, wait! Do you want to set the mood a little?
 Chandler: Okay. Uh, we'll dim the lights, dim the lights. (He goes to the
 light switch and finds it's not a dimmer switch when he flips the lights off.) Or
 turn them out all together. Uh, no scented candles. Okay here. Here we go. (He sprays an
 aerosol air freshener above her.)
 Monica: Okay! Okay! Make me sterile, but okay.
 (He hops onto the bed and they start making out.)
 Monica: Okay. Let's hurry Oh wait! Do we have a condom? (He looks at
 her.) Oh right! (Laughs and they resume making out when a nurse catches them in the act.)
 Chandler: Yes, 98.6. You're gonna be fine.
 [Scene: Outside Room 816, Phoebe and Joey are approaching.]
 Phoebe: Ooh, this is it! (Looks in the window.) Oh, that's him! That's
 him!
 Joey: Great! Go get him.
 Phoebe: Wait a second, or maybe you can go in first.
 Joey: (looks in the window) He's not really my type.
 Phoebe: No not you, Dr. Drake Remoray. You can ask him questions and see
 what's he like. People tell doctors everything.
 Joey: But you said he was this great guy!
 Phoebe: But lately all the guys I meet seem really nice at first, then they turn
 out to be the biggest jerks.
 Joey: You do attract some stinkers.
 [Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Dr. Long is checking on Rachel again.]
 Rachel: Dr. Long, I've been at this for seventeen hours! Three women have
 come and gone with their babies, you gotta give me some good news! How many centimeters am
 I dilated? Eight? Nine?
 Dr. Long: Three.
 Ross: Just three?! I'm dilated three!
 Dr. Long: We are moving along, just slowly. (Rachel lies back and sighs.)
 Don't worry, you're doing great. I'll be back soon. (Exits.)
 Rachel: Hey, y'know what? I'm not waiting! I'm gonna push this
 baby out! I'm doing it! I mean it's what? Three centimeters? That's gotta
 be like this! (Holds her hands a couple inches apart.)
 Ross: Actually it's more like this. (Pushes her hands to less than an inch
 apart.)
 Rachel: Oh stupid metric system!
 (Another woman with a nurse and doctor enter, the woman is screaming.)
 Doctor: Oh my. We're gonna need to take you straight to the delivery room.
 Rachel: Oh for the love of God!
 Woman Giving Birth: (yelling from the hallway) It's coming! It's
 coming!
 Doctor: And here it is! (The baby cries.)
 Rachel: Oh come on!!
 [Scene: Room 816, Dr. Drake Remoray is entering.]
 Joey: Hi! I'm Dr. Drake Remoray and I have a few routine questions I need
 to ask you.
 Man: Really? I've been dealing with Dr. Wells.
 Joey: I know, but I'm a neurologist. And just to be on the safe side, Dr.
 Wells wanted a more comprehensive overview of you status so he sent me.
 Man: Dr. Wells is a woman.


Joey: That was a test. Good response. All right, full name.
 Man: Clifford Burnett.
 Joey: Date of birth?
 Cliff: November 16th, 1968.
 Joey: Age?
 Cliff: Can't you figure that out based on my date of birth?
 Joey: I'm a doctor Cliff, not a mathematician.
 Cliff: I'm 33.
 Joey: Okay. And uh, are you married.
 Cliff: No.
 Joey: Oh really? So, 33 and still single, would you say you have commitment
 issues?
 Cliff: Are all the questions this personal?
 Joey: (checking the list) Yes.
 Cliff: Well uh if you must know I'm a widower.
 Joey: Oh that's terrible. I'm-I'm really sorry.
 Cliff: Yeah.
 Joey: Hmm. Do you sleep with women and never call them again?
 Cliff: No.
 Joey: Excellent! Excellent! And uh, finally, are you into any weird stuff
 y'know, sexually?
 Cliff: No!
 Joey: Oooh, wrong answer. (Exits.)
 [Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, they're brining in yet another woman.]
 Nurse: (calling to the woman) This room's available.
 Rachel: Okay! Okay wait! You listen to me! You listen to me! Since I have been
 waiting four women, that's four, one higher than the number of centimeters that I am
 dilated, have come and gone with their babies! I'm next! It's my turn! It's
 only fair! And if you bring in one woman and she has her baby before me I'm going to
 sue you! Not this hospital, I'm going to sue you! And my husband (Points at Ross)
 he's a lawyer!
 Ross: Uh Rach
 Rachel: Go get back on that case honey!
 Nurse: I don't think the next patient is very far along.
 Rachel: Okay, well then bring her in.
 (Another nurse wheels the next pregnant woman in.)
 Woman: OH .MY .GAWD!!! (Uh-huh, it's Janice.)
 (Ross and Rachel are, needless to say, stunned at the arrival of Janice.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, continued from earlier.]
 Janice: I .can't .believe this!
 Ross: And yet somehow it's true!
 Janice: I mean this is so great! We're gonna be baby buddies! (Does the
 laugh.)
 Ross: (To Rachel) Squeeze your legs together and cover the baby's ears!
 Man: (entering, carrying a pillow) Hi sweetie!
 Janice: Hi! Hi sweetheart! This is my husband Sid, I don't think
 you've met him. Ross, Rachel, this is Sid. I nabbed him a year ago at the
 dermatologist's office. Thank God for adult acne huh? (Does the laugh.)
 Sid: I still can't believe it! I'm the luckiest guy in the world!
 Ross: (softly) Really?
 Sid: (To Janice) What'd he say?
 Janice: Oh y'know what? You have to speak very loudly when you're
 talking to Sid, because he's almost completely deaf.
 Rachel: Oh!
 Ross: Oh there you go!
 Rachel: I get it!
 Janice: So? Congratulations you two, I didn't even know you got married.
 Rachel: Oh we-we didn't.
 Ross: No-no. We
 Janice: What?!
 Ross: Um uh We're-we're just having this baby together but uh, uh
 that's all.
 Janice: Why?!!
 Ross: Uh well umm we're just not in that place, y'know? But
 we're very excited about this.
 Janice: Oh. Well then shut me up. (Does the laugh.)
 Rachel: Just tell me how.
 Janice: Uh-oh, I feel another one coming. (She makes a sound like a goose during
 the contraction.)
 Ross: Sid you lucky deaf bastard.
 [Scene: Outside Room 816, Joey is briefing Phoebe on Cliff.]
 Phoebe: What else? What else?
 Joey: Uh, well he's 33.
 Phoebe: Oh. Ah-uh.
 Joey: A widower.
 Phoebe: Oh.
 Joey: He seemed like a stand up guy. Oh, and he's not into anything weird
 sexually.
 Phoebe: Enter Pheebs.
 [Scene: Another Hospital Room, Chandler and Monica enter and start making out.]
 Chandler: Should we tell Rachel there's an empty private room right next
 door to hers?
 Monica: We could, or we can have sex in it.
 Chandler: Well let me think about that, while I remove my pants!
 (They start making out again.)
 Monica: (lying down on the bed) Okay mister! Fertilize me!
 (Suddenly they hear Janice laughing, and it ruins the moment.)
 Monica: Does that sound like Janice?
 Chandler: If it's not, then there's two of them. And that would mean
 it's the end of the world!
 [Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Chandler and Monica are entering to see if they in
 fact did hear Janice.]
 Monica: Hey!
 Ross: Hey!
 Chandler: Hi.
 Rachel: Oh hi.
 Monica: I can't believe this is taking so long. How are you doing?
 Rachel: Oh not bad. Do you know that feeling when you're trying to blow a
 Saint Bernard out your ass?
 Chandler: Weirdest thing. Did I hear (A nurse opens the privacy screen and
 Chandler sees Janice) Mother of God it's true!
 Janice: Chandler Bing!
 Chandler: Jan-Janice!
 Ross: Not just Janice, Janice in labor, contracting and everything.
 Janice: Oh, this should be easy. I have a very wide pelvis. You remember
 Chandler.
 Chandler: Janice I didn't even know you were pregnant! Who's the
 unwitting human who's essence you've stolen?
 Janice: It's you. This is yours.


Chandler: What?!
 Janice: (laughs) Look how nervous he gets! We haven't slept together in
 years! (Laughs again.)
 Chandler: That's funny. Does it-does it hurt? Does the labor hurt?
 [Scene: Room 816, Phoebe is making her move on Cliff.]
 Phoebe: Okay I've got one for you, if you had too which one would you
 rather eat, a seeing eye dog or a talking gorilla?
 Cliff: I'd have to say the talking gorilla, because at least I can
 explain to him that you're making me eat him.
 Phoebe: Somebody went to college. Wow. (Cliff gets uncomfortable) What is it?
 I'm sorry. (She moves her arm, which was resting on the same pillow his leg is.)
 Cliff: No, I'm sorry. It's just my foot itches like crazy.
 Phoebe: Oh, I'll get it. (She gets up and grabs a spoon.)
 Cliff: Wow! I usually get to know a girl a little better before I let her spoon
 me.
 Phoebe: Relax, it's not like we're forking.
 [Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Janice is being moved to the delivery room and is
 screaming in pain.]
 Rachel: Oh that's five Ross. Five women have had five babies! And I have
 had no babies! Why doesn't she want to come out?
 Ross: Y'know what I think it is? I think you've made such a nice home
 for her over the last nine months that she just doesn't want to leave.
 Rachel: Oh. Look at you making up crap for me. Oh God! (Starts another
 contraction as Dr. Long enters.)
 Dr. Long: Twenty-one hours, you're a hero.
 Rachel: Doctor you gotta do something! I think you gotta give me drugs or you
 gotta light a fire up in there and just smoke it out.
 Dr. Long: Actually, I think you're ready to go to the delivery room.
 Rachel: What?
 Dr. Long: Ten centimeters, you're about to become a mom.
 Rachel: My God. Okay. (Another woman enters.) Ha-ha-ha beat ya! Sucker!
 [Scene: Room 816, Phoebe and Cliff are eating some pudding with spoons.]
 Cliff: Is this the same spoon that was in my cast? (Smells it.)
 Phoebe: Y'know what? This one is. (Eats another spoonful of pudding as
 Cliff sees something on TV.)
 Cliff: Oh my God! That's the doctor who was in my room before!
 Phoebe: Huh. Okay, Mr. Perkazet.
 Cliff: I'm telling you! The guy from that show was here in my room, asking
 me all these weird questions!
 Phoebe: Cliff, do you really believe that a character from a TV show was here in
 your room?
 Joey: (entering) Rachel's having her baby!! (Phoebe turns and looks at
 him.) Which is of no interest to me, I'm a neurologist.
 Cliff: That-that's him! You know him?
 Phoebe: Okay. Okay. I Okay umm this I-I sent my friend Joey in
 here to find out stuff about you. Umm y'know, if it helps you came off great. A lot
 better than I'm coming off right now.
 Cliff: I don't believe this. You got him to pretend he was some fake
 doctor?
 Joey: Fake? Excuse me? Hello? (Taps the TV screen.)
 Cliff: And then you tried to make me think that I was crazy.
 Phoebe: You're right, that was wrong. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
 It's just that I liked you so much. Can we just, can we just start over?
 Cliff: I don't think so.
 Joey: Uh, if I may? Umm-umm look, Cliff, you told me a lot of personal stuff
 about you, right? And maybe-maybe it would if-if would help if-if you knew some personal
 stuff about her. Uh, she was married to a gay ice dancer. Uh, she gave birth to her
 brother's triplets. Oh! Oh! Her-her twin sister used to do porn!
 Phoebe: Uh Joey, we're trying to dial down the crazy.
 Joey: Right!
 Phoebe: Umm, look we don't, we don't really know each other so it
 would be really easy to just forget about this, but there seems to be something between
 us. And I don't know about you but that doesn't happen to me a lot.
 Cliff: It doesn't happen to me either.
 Joey: Me neither.
 [Scene: The Delivery Room, Rachel is finally giving birth.]
 Dr. Long: Push. Push. Come on push for five seconds. 5 4
 Rachel: 3-2-1 oh!!
 Dr. Long: Okay, the next contraction should be in about twenty seconds.
 Rachel: I can't. I can't push anymore, I can't.
 Ross: Sweetie you're doing great.
 Rachel: Oh God twenty seconds my ass!!
 Dr. Long: Here we go! Okay, keep pushing! Wait! I see something.
 Ross: What? You do? You do? (Looks) Oh my God!
 Rachel: Don't say, 'Oh my God!' Oh my God what?
 Ross: What is that?
 Dr. Long: It's the baby's buttock, she's breech.
 Ross: Oh thank God, I thought she had two heads.
 Rachel: Oh God. Is she gonna be okay?
 Dr. Long: She's gonna be fine. Okay, she's in a more difficult
 position so you're gonna have to push even harder now. Go! Push!


Ross: Go!
 Dr. Long: Rachel you're gonna have to push even harder, nothing's
 happening!
 Rachel: I'm sorry, I can't!
 Ross: Yes you can!
 Rachel: I can't!
 Ross: Hey! Hey! Come on! You can! I know you can do this! Let's go!
 Rachel: I can't. Please, you do it for me.
 Ross: No! Come on let's One more time! One final push! Ready?
 1 2 3! (Rachel pushes so hard her head snaps up head-butting Ross and knocking
 him down.)
 Dr. Long: Good!
 Ross: (from the floor) Keep pushing!
 Rachel: Are you okay?
 Ross: You have no idea how much this hurts. (All of the women in the room turn
 and glare at him.) Keep going! Keep going!
 Dr. Long: Here we go!
 Ross: Oh! Oh! She's upside down but she's coming! She's coming!
 Rachel: Oh God!
 Ross: Oh! Oh my God oh! Oh my God she's here.
 (The newest friend cries.)
 Ross: Oh she's she's perfect.
 Rachel: Oh, she's so tiny. (Starts crying) Where'd she go?
 Ross: Oh it's okay. They're just-they're just wrapping her up.
 Rachel: Okay. Well be careful with her, she's really tiny.
 Dr. Long: Here she is!
 (Dr. Long hands her to Rachel.)
 Rachel: Oh hey you. Thanks for coming out of me. (The baby cries.) I know. Oh.
 Yeah. Oh, she's looking at me. Hi! I know you.
 Dr. Long: Do we have a name yet?
 Rachel: No, not yet.
 Dr. Long: That's fine, for now we'll just call her Baby Girl Green.
 Rachel: Oh no, Baby Girl Geller-Green.
 (Ross and Rachel look into each other's eyes and kiss.)
 Rachel: Hello baby girl.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: The Recovery Room, Ross is taking pictures of Rachel holding the baby as the
 rest of the gang enters.]
 Phoebe: Can we come in?
 Ross: Oh, come in.
 Phoebe: Hi!
 Joey: There she is!
 Phoebe: Oh, she's so beautiful.
 Rachel: Here. (Hands her to Monica.)
 Monica: Oh my God! She's amazing. Oh, oh I'm so glad you guys got
 drunk and had sex!
 Chandler: It's incredible, I mean one minute she's inside you and then
 47 hours later here she is.
 Joey: (taking the baby) She looks so real! (The gang looks at him.) Y'know
 what I mean! She's this whole tiny little person. She already has eyelashes and knees
 and uh-oh.
 Rachel: What?
 Joey: Oh no-no, no for I second there I counted six fingers, but one was from
 the other hand so we're good.
 Phoebe: Okay, my turn. My turn. (Joey hands her to Phoebe.) Oh! You're so
 cute! Oh, I could squeeze your little head! (Pause) I won't.
 (Rachel starts crying again.)
 Monica: What's the matter?
 Rachel: Oh nothing I  Sorry, I just can't stop crying.
 Ross: The doctor says it's completely normal with all the hormones. Plus,
 you-you're sleep deprived.
 Rachel: So? You guys are all sleep deprived. I don't see you weeping
 because you put your slippers on the wrong feet. Oh God. (Starts to cry harder.)
 Joey: What's the matter now?
 Rachel: I was reliving it.
 Phoebe: Ohhh. (Hands her back to Rachel.)
 Chandler: So, do you know what you're gonna call her yet?
 Phoebe: Oh, wait a minute it's not gonna be Baby Girl? I thought that was
 so original!
 Ross: Uh actually, we-we've narrowed it down to two names.
 Rachel: Yeah, and y'know what? I love them both, so why don't you just
 pick one and that'll be it.
 Ross: Wow! Umm, okay uh everyone this is Isabella. (Rachel starts
 crying.) What?
 Rachel: That's not her name! I'm sorry, she just doesn't feel
 like an Isabella.
 Chandler: So then I guess Ferdinad is out.
 Joey: What was the other one Ross?
 Ross: Umm, Delilah.
 Rachel: Oh great! Suddenly she sounds like a biblical whore.
 Ross: So I guess we're back to uh, Baby Girl.
 Phoebe: Yay!
 Rachel: Well what are we going to do?
 Monica: It's okay honey, you'll find a name.
 Ross: Ugh, easy for you to say, you already know what your kids names are going
 to be.
 Chandler: You do?
 Monica: Yeah, I've had them picked out since I was fourteen.
 Chandler: Oh no, it's gonna be named after some snack or baked good
 isn't it?
 Rachel: Well tell us! What are they?
 Monica: Umm, okay. If it's a boy it's Daniel.
 Rachel: And if it's a girl?
 Monica: I don't want to say.
 Rachel: Oh, just tell us! We're not gonna want it!
 Monica: Okay. It's Emma.
 Rachel: (gasps) Emma! (Looks at the baby and starts to cry.) See? I don't
 want it.
 Monica: Take it.
 Rachel: What?
 Monica: It's clearly an Emma.
 Rachel: Oh honey, but you love that name.
 Monica: Yeah, but I love you more. Besides y'know, nothing goes with Bing.
 So I'm screwed. I mean  (Rachel hands Emma to Monica.) Oh, hi Emma. Yeah,
 that's you. You're our little Em. Oh what's that honey? What? Oh, you want
 a little cousin? (To Chandler) You want a cousin right now?!
 [Scene: A Janitorial Closet, Monica and Chandler are emerging slowly.]


Chandler: That was amazing.
 Monica: I know. Hey, do you realize we may have just changed our lives forever?
 We may have just started a family. Nine months from now we can be here, having our own
 baby.
 Chandler: And if not, we got to do it on a bucket.
 [Scene: The Recovery Room, Rachel is putting Emma down for a nap.]
 Janice: (entering) Yoo-hoo! Aaron Litman-Neurolic would like to say hello to his
 future bride.
 Rachel: Ohhh! (Looks at Aaron and recoils in horror.) Wow! He kinda takes your
 breath away doesn't he?
 Janice: He's a keeper. How are you feeling?
 Rachel: Oh, I'm fine. (Gasps in pain as she sits down.)
 Janice: Can I just say, I really admire what you're doing. Just raising her
 all alone.
 Rachel: Oh, I'm not doing it alone. I have Ross.
 Janice: Oh, sure. Now. But what happens when he meets somebody else and gets
 married?
 Rachel: Well then he gets a divorce, it's Ross!
 Janice: I'm telling you Rachel, listen to Janice. They all say they're
 gonna be there until they start their real family.
 Rachel: Well I That's never gonna happen with Ross.
 Janice: Oh well that's what I thought about my first husband, now I'm
 lucky if my kid gets to spend the weekend with her father and the twins and little Ms. New
 Boobs.
 Rachel: Really?
 Janice: I hate to be the one to say it, but honey you two (Her and Emma) are on
 your own.
 Rachel: Well  That's y'know That's We've
 been alone for the last twenty minutes we're doing okay. Besides y'know what?
 I-I Maybe we won't be alone,  cause lately I-I things have been
 happening between me and Ross, y'know? Right before I went into labor, we-we had this
 kiss. Y'know? So it might be the the beginning of something.
 Ross: (entering) Hey Janice!
 Janice: Oh hi!
 Ross: Who's this little guy? (Gasps when he sees Aaron.)
 Janice: Say hello to Aaron, your future son-in-law.
 Ross: No-no. No.
 Janice: I'm gonna leave the three of you alone.
 Ross: Okay.
 Janice: Bye. (Exits.)
 Ross: Man! Did you see the kid on that nose?
 Rachel: Uh-huh. (Ross takes off his coat and sets in on a chair.) Y'know
 what I was, I was thinking about?
 Ross: Huh?
 Rachel: Umm that kiss before we left the apartment. That was some-something
 huh?
 Ross: Yeah. Yeah, it really was. But we we gotta be careful. We we
 can't let that happen again, y'know?
 Rachel: (pause) Right.
 Ross: I mean we don't want to go down that road do we?
 Rachel: No! No, of course not. No. That's why I brought it up. (Pause) They
 didn't have any sodas?
 Ross: Oh my God! I'm sorry, I was talking to this nurse, completely forgot.
 Rachel: That's all right. (He goes to get her a soda.) And so it begins.
 [Scene: Outside the Nursery, Ross is looking at Emma as Phoebe walks up.]
 Phoebe: Is she in there?
 Ross: Yeah. She's putting her down now, that's her. (Points to the
 nurse putting Emma now.)
 Phoebe: Oh!
 Ross: Look at Emma!
 Phoebe: I just can't decide who she looks more alike, you or Rachel?
 Ross: Oh what are you kidding? She's gorgeous, it's all Rachel.
 (Pause)
 Phoebe: I'm sorry, for the last time, why aren't you two together
 again? (Silence from Ross.) No, I know. I know, because you're not in that place.
 Which would be fine, except you totally are.
 Ross: It's it's complicated okay?
 Phoebe: Yeah that's true. Yeah, you love her. You always have. You have a
 child together. There is no right answer.
 Ross: Look, we've been together. Okay? And then apart, and then together,
 and then apart, and now we have a baby. (Pause) It's just if-if we got together again
 and it didn't work out I could never do that to Emma. I mean she-she thinking
 everything (Starts to cry.) Oh that's now me. What do they put something in
 the water in this place? Since Rachel and I we're doing really, we're doing
 really well right now.
 Phoebe: I know. I know. I know. I know, and if you try to make it more you might
 wreck it.
 Ross: Yeah, exactly.
 Phoebe: Right. (Pause) Or you might get everything you've wanted since you
 were fifteen.
 [Scene: The Delivery Room, Rachel is in bed as Joey enters.]
 Joey: Hey. I just saw a woman breast feeding both of her twins at the same time;
 it is like a freak show up here. (Notices she's wiping her eyes.) What's the
 matter?
 Rachel: Nothing.
 Joey: What is it? Hey!
 Rachel: Really it's nothing. I'm just
 Joey: Rach come on, what?
 Rachel: I've just been thinking about how my baby and I are gonna be all
 alone.
 Joey: What are you talking about alone? What about Ross?
 Rachel: Oh please, he'll be with his real family, the twins and little miss
 new boobs.


 The One Where No One Proposes
 The One Where No One Proposes
 Written by: Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen PlummerTranscribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Rachel's Room, Joey moves Ross's coat to get the tissues Rachel wants
 and the engagement ring box Mrs. Geller gave him falls out of the pocket it was
 inside. Joey goes to one knee, picks up the box, opens it, and sees that it's an
 engagement ring.]
 Rachel: Joey.
 (He turns to face Rachel on one knee with the box open.)
 Rachel: (seeing the ring) Oh my God. (Pause) Okay.
 (Joey is stunned.)
 [Cut to Ross getting of an elevator carrying a bouquet of flowers and walking
 down the hall to Rachel's room.]
 [Cut back into Rachel's room.]
 Rachel: So uh, I guess we should, make it official huh?
 Joey: Uh,  Look Rach, (Ross enters.) Hey Ross is here! Hey look! It's my
 good friend Ross. Hey Ross.
 Ross: Hey Joey. (To Rachel) Hey you.
 Rachel: Hey you.
 Joey: Hey and look he brought flowers. Thanks Ross, but I'm really
 more of a candy guy. (Laughs.)
 Ross: You're weird today. (He turns to Rachel and Joey puts the ring
 back.) (To Rachel) Listen I uh, wanted to talk to you about something.
 Rachel: Uh yeah, actually I kinda need to talk to you too.
 Ross: Uh Joey, can you give us just a minute?
 Joey: No.
 Ross: What?
 Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. I meant no.
 Monica: (entering with everyone else including Mr. Geller) Hi! Hey
 look who's here!
 Mr. Geller: Where's my granddaughter? I've been practicing my magic
 tricks.
 Chandler: He pulled a quarter out of my ear!
 Ross: Hey, where's uh, where's mom?
 Mr. Geller: She went to pick up Aunt Liddy.
 Monica: Oh, Aunt Liddy's coming? That means we get five dollars
 each!
 Mr. Geller: So when do I get to meet Emma and show her this? (Pulls a
 bouquet of flowers out of his sleeve.)
 Chandler: Okay. Wow.
 Ross: Uh Dad, Emma's in the nursery. I'll take you now. If you want,
 but (To Rachel) I really want to talk to you.
 Rachel: I know, I still need to talk to you.
 Joey: Oh hey but, before you guys do that (To Rachel) I need to talk
 to you, and Ross, I need to talk to you.
 Phoebe: (To Monica) Oh and I need to talk to you.
 Monica: About what?
 Phoebe: To see if know what these guys are talking about.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Outside the Nursery, everyone but Rachel is standing and looking into
 the window.]
 Monica: Isn't she beautiful?
 Mr. Geller: Look at her, my first grandchild.
 Ross: What about Ben?
 Mr. Geller: Well of course Ben, I meant my first granddaughter. (To
 Monica, mouths) Wow.
 Phoebe: (taking Ross aside) Have umm, have you thought anymore about
 you and Rachel?
 Ross: Oh well yeah, actually I was going to talk to her when you guys
 all came in the room.
 Phoebe: Yay! It's so exciting! Wow, you could've done that with us
 there.
 Ross: Yeah right.
 Phoebe: Oh sure okay, you can touch yourself in front of us but you
 can't talk to Rachel.
 Ross: What?! When have I ever touched myself in front of you guys?
 Phoebe: Oh please! Just before when you were asleep in the lounge!
 That Armenian family was watching you instead of the TV. Oh, that reminds me.
 That Mr. Hasmeje still has my Gameboy.
 Joey: (taking Chandler aside) Hey Chandler, can I talk to you for a
 second?
 Chandler: Sure.
 Joey: Dude I just did something terrible.
 Chandler: That was you?! I thought it was Jack!
 Joey: No! No, that was Jack! Rachel thinks I asked her to marry
 me!
 Chandler: What?! Why does she think that?
 Joey: Because it kinda looked like I did.
 Chandler: Again, what?!
 Joey: Okay well, I was down on one knee with the ring in my hand,
 Chandler: As we all are at some point during the day.
 Joey: It wasn't my ring! It fell out of Ross's jacket! And when I
 knelt down to pick it up Rachel thought I was proposing!
 Chandler: Ross had a ring?! And he was gonna propose?
 Joey: I guess.
 Chandler: And you did it first?! This is gonna kill him! You know how
 much he loves to propose!
 Joey: I know! I know it's awful.
 Chandler: Well, what did she say?
 Joey: (happily) She said yes.
 Chandler: Does Ross know?
 Joey: Oh God, what the hell am I going to tell him?
 Chandler: Well maybe you don't have to tell him anything.
 Joey: Oh, I like that. Yeah,
 Chandler: If you clear things up with Rachel then Ross never needs to
 find out, but you have to do it now before he hears about it and kicks your
 ass!


Joey: (laughs) Now let's not get carried away. (He walks away as
 Monica comes over and hugs Chandler from behind.)
 Monica: I want a baby.
 Chandler: Honey, we've been over this. I need to be facing the other
 way.
 Monica: Come on! Come on, if we have sex again it'll double our
 chances of getting pregnant. Do you think that closet's still available?
 Chandler: I'm so tired. (She starts kissing him.) Yeah okay, but no
 foreplay.
 Monica: Deal!
 [Back in front of the nursery window.]
 Ross: Dad seriously! Y'know you really should see someone about
 that!
 Mr. Geller: Noted.
 Ross: I wanna go talk to Rachel for a minute, are you gonna be okay
 alone for a bit?
 Mr. Geller: Are you kidding me, I could stay and look at her
 forever.
 Ross: (noticing something) Actually umm,  (He turns Mr. Geller's head
 to look at Emma.)
 [Scene: Rachel's Room, Phoebe is entering.]
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Rachel: Hi.
 Phoebe: Are you all right?
 Rachel: Uhh,  I think I just got engaged.
 Phoebe: Oh my God! He did it?
 Rachel: Well, did you know he was gonna ask me?
 Phoebe: Are you kidding? I'm like the one who talked him into it. I
 like to think of myself as the puppet master of the group.
 Rachel: And you really think this is a good idea?
 Phoebe: I just talked him into it, don't tell me I have to do you too.
 The puppet master gets tired people.
 Rachel: I just don't know! It just doesn't feel right.
 Phoebe: Why?! You two are so meant to be together, everybody thinks
 so.
 Rachel: Really?! Even Ross?
 Phoebe: Especially Ross!
 Joey: (entering) Oh uh, hey Pheebs. Uh y'know what? I'll-I'll come
 back later. (He goes to leave but runs into Ross who's entering.)
 Ross: Wow! Kind of uh, kind of a full house here. I'll guess just, I'll
 come back. (Ross exits followed by Joey.)
 Phoebe: There he goes, your fiancee.
 Rachel: I guess so.
 Phoebe: Although he does play with himself in his sleep.
 Rachel: I can't say that I'm surprised.
 [Scene: A hallway, Joey and Ross find Mr. Geller with his ear up against a
 janitor's closet door.]
 Ross: Dad, what are you doing?
 Mr. Geller: I think there are people in there having sex.
 (Ross turns to look at Joey.)
 Joey: It can't be me, I'm standing right here.
 Mr. Geller: Wanna peek?
 Ross: No!
 Mr. Geller: Come on!
 Ross: Y'know what? I don't like you without mom. (To Joey) Come on.
 (Walks away.)
 Joey: (To Ross) We're not peeking? (Follows him.)
 Mr. Geller: Well I'm peeking. (He peeks.) Oh my God!
 Chandler: Hello sir, you know Monica.
 [Scene: Rachel's Room, she is taking the ring out of Ross's jacket, looks at
 it, and puts it on her finger as Joey enters.]
 Joey: Hey uh, is it okay to come in?
 Rachel: Of course! Oh Joey, this ring I, it's beautiful I love it!
 Joey: Yeah uh look Rach, there's something I gotta tell ya.
 (There's a knock on the door and a nurse enters carrying Emma.)
 Rachel: Hey!
 Nurse: Hey! Are you ready to try nursing again?
 Rachel: Yeah! Hi Emma. Hey, why do you think she won't take my
 breast?
 Nurse: It's all right honey, it takes some babies a while to get it,
 but don't worry. It'll happen.
 Joey: (watching) Yowsa! (Looks away.)
 Rachel: Okay sweetie, you can do it. Just open up and put it in your
 mouth.
 Joey: Dear Lord.
 Rachel: I'm sorry honey, what were you saying?
 Joey: Oh uh-uh yeah, I think that,
 Rachel: Oh look, she's pulling away again! Do you think my nipples are
 too big for her mouth? (Joey gets embarrassed.) She looks scared. Doesn't she
 look scared?
 Joey: Y'know, I don't really know her.
 Nurse: Why don't we try massaging the breast to stimulate the flow.
 (Does so.)
 Joey: (To God) Are you kidding me?!
 Rachel: It's just so frustrating! Why doesn't she want my breast?!
 Joey: I don't know! Maybe she's crazy! (Storms out.)
 [Scene: The Lobby, Ross is eating a sandwich as Phoebe rushes up to him.]
 Phoebe: Oh hey! Wait up!
 Ross: Hi!
 Phoebe: Congratulations! I didn't want to say anything in front of
 Joey 'cause I didn't know if he knew yet.
 Ross: What, that we had a baby? Come on let's give him a little
 credit, although, he did eat a piece of plastic fruit earlier.
 Phoebe: No! No, that you and Rachel are engaged!
 Ross: What?
 Phoebe: Oh, it's a secret. Oh goodie! Yes! We haven't done the secret
 thing in a long time.
 Ross: Phoebe, there is no secret. Okay? I didn't propose.


Phoebe: Are you lying? Is this like that time you tried to convince us
 that you were a doctor?
 Ross: (pause) I am a doctor! Y'know what? I'm just gonna go and
 talk to Rachel myself.
 Phoebe: All right, me too. (They go into her room and see that she's
 sleeping.) Should we wake her up?
 Ross: No! No, come on let her sleep! She's so exhausted.
 Phoebe: And so engaged. (Points to the ring that Rachel is
 wearing.)
 Ross: What? (Motions for Phoebe to go outside with him.) Oh my God!
 She-she thinks we're engaged! Why? Why? Why would she think we're engaged?!
 Phoebe: Perhaps because you gave her an engagement ring? Y'know Ross
 doctors are supposed to be smart.
 Ross: I didn't give her that ring!
 Phoebe: Really?
 Ross: No!
 Phoebe: So whose ring is it?
 Ross: It's mine.
 Phoebe: Is it an engagement ring?
 Ross: Yes!
 Phoebe: But you didn't give it to her?
 Ross: No!
 Phoebe: But you were going to propose?
 Ross: No!!
 Phoebe: Huh, I might be losing interest in this.
 Ross: Look. Look, my mom gave me that ring because she wanted me to
 propose to Rachel, but all I wanted to do is if she maybe, kinda, wanted
 ah, start, things up again.
 Phoebe: Oh, what beautiful lukewarm sentiment.
 Ross: Look, I didn't want to rush into anything. And it seemed like
 she didn't want to either. But I don't, I don't understand how any of this
 happened! What? Did she find the ring in my jacket, assume that I was going to
 propose, throw it on, and-and just start telling people?
 Phoebe: No! No, she said you actually proposed to her.
 Ross: Well I didn't! I didn't propose! (Pause) Unless uh,  (Pause) Did
 I? I haven't slept in forty hours and, it does sound like something I would
 do.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: The Janitor's Closet, Chandler and Monica are trying to figure out
 what to do now.]
 Chandler: Look, we can't stay in here forever.
 Monica: Oh, I still can't believe my dad saw us having sex! He didn't
 make it to one of piano recitals, but this he sees!
 Chandler: This is okay. We're all adults here; there's nothing to be
 ashamed of. Now, let's put our underwear in our pockets and walk out the door.
 (They do so and find Mr. Geller leaning against a wall stunned.)
 Monica: Hi Dad! I can still call you that right?
 Mr. Geller: Of course. I'll always be your dad.
 Chandler: I just want you to know that what you witnessed in there,
 that wasn't for fun.
 Monica: It wasn't fun?!
 Chandler: (To Monica) Why? Why-why-would you-Wh-why,  (To Mr. Geller)
 Look, I just don't want you to think that we're animals who do it whenever we
 want.
 Mr. Geller: Oh, I don't think that. Before today I never thought of
 you two having sex at all. It was a simpler time.
 Monica: The truth is, Dad, we're-we're trying.
 Mr. Geller: What?
 Monica: Yeah, we're trying to get pregnant.
 Mr. Geller: Oh my God! This is so exciting! Well, get back in there!
 (Points to the closet) I'll guard the door!
 Monica: Well, that's okay dad, we-we can wait until later.
 Mr. Geller: Whoa-whoa-whoa! I don't think so! Aren't you
 ovulating?
 Monica: Daddy?!
 Mr. Geller: Well you gotta get at it princess! When your mother and I
 were trying to conceive you, whenever she was ovulating, bam, we did it. That's
 how I got my bad hip.
 Chandler: That's funny, this conversation's how I got the bullet hole
 in my head.
 Mr. Geller: This one time I had my knee up on the sink and your
 mother, she was,
 Monica: Daddy! I don't think we need to hear about the specific
 positions you and mom had sex.
 Mr. Geller: You're right, you're right. This is about your positions.
 Now, what I saw in the closet is not the optimum position for conceiving a
 child, although it might feel good.
 Monica: I don't feel good right now.
 Mr. Geller: But pleasure is important, (To Chandler) and it helps if
 the woman has an orgasm. You up to the task sailor?
 Chandler: Seriously sir, my brains? All over the wall.
 [Scene: Rachel's Room, Monica is entering.]
 Monica: Hey.
 Rachel: Hey. I need to tell you something.
 Monica: Well, now's a good time. I'm on my way to have my ears cut
 off.
 Rachel: Joey asked me marry him.
 Monica: What?
 Rachel: Joey proposed to me.
 Monica: Is he crazy?! You just had Ross's baby!
 Rachel: Well, I-I said yes.
 Monica: What?! Are you crazy? You just had Ross's baby! It's-it's so
 inappropriate. No, it's worse than that. It's wrong. It's,  It is bigger than
 mine! (Rachel's engagement ring.)


Rachel: I know. Days of Our Lives, thank you very much.
 Monica: You can't marry him!
 Rachel: Why not? I don't want to do this alone! And he's such a sweet
 guy and he loves me so much.
 Monica: Well do you love him?
 Rachel: Sure.
 Monica: Sure?
 Rachel: Yeah, I mean whatever.
 Monica: Honey, the question is, do you really want to marry Joey?
 Rachel: No. No, I don't. Could you be a dear and go tell him?
 [Scene: A Hallway, Chandler is following Joey.]
 Chandler: You still haven't told Rachel you weren't really
 proposing?
 Joey: No! She had the ring on, she seemed so excited, and then she
 took her breast out.
 Chandler: Joey, you have to tell her what's going on! And what did it
 look like?!
 Joey: I didn't look at it. Stupid baby's head was blocking most of
 it.
 Chandler: Go and tell Rachel right now before Ross finds out.
 Joey: Look, it's not that easy. She said she wanted to marry me. I
 don't want to hurt her.
 Chandler: Okay, look, just do it gently.
 Joey: You're right. You're right. I-I'll go tell her now before Ross
 finds out and I'll be gentle. I can do that. I am a gentle person. Oh, by the
 way. Two people screwing in there (Points to the closet Chandler and Monica were
 in) if you want to check that out.
 [Scene: Rachel's Room, Ross is entering.]
 Ross: Hey.
 Rachel: Hey.
 Ross: Listen, I um,  I heard about the engagement.
 Rachel: Surprised?
 Ross: And confused. Rach, sweetie, I-I um, I didn't propose to you.
 Rachel: I know.
 Ross: I don't think you do.
 Rachel: You didn't propose to me. Joey did.
 Ross: Poor baby, you're so tired. Rach, I didn't propose to you, Joey
 didn't propose to you, and Chandler didn't propose to you.
 Rachel: Uh,  You didn't propose to me, Chandler didn't propose to me,
 but Joey did.
 (Joey enters.)
 Ross: Joey proposed to you?
 Joey: I can come back.
 Ross: Hey, wait! Wait-wait-wait! Joey, did you propose to her?
 Joey: No.
 Rachel: Yes you did!
 Joey: Actually, technically, I didn't.
 Rachel: Well then why did you give me a ring?
 Ross: Wait! Whoa-whoa, you, you gave her the ring?
 Joey: No! No, and I did not ask her to marry me!
 Rachel: Yes, you did!
 Joey: No, I didn't!
 Rachel: Yes, you did!
 Joey: No, I didn't!
 Rachel: Yes, you did! And don't you say, 'No, I didn't!'
 Joey: Ahhh!
 Rachel: He was right there. He got down on one knee and proposed.
 Ross: Whoa! You were down on one knee?
 Joey: Yeah. Yeah, that looks bad. But I didn't, I didn't propose!
 Ross: Then what did happen?
 Rachel: Yeah, what did happen?
 Joey: Okay, the ring fell on the floor and I went down to pick it up
 and you thought I was proposing.
 Rachel: Yeah, but you said, 'Will you marry me?'
 Joey: No, I didn't!
 Rachel: Yes, you did!
 Joey: No, I didn't!
 Rachel: Yes, you did-Oh my God you didn't! (Screams) Well then why
 didn't you tell me that before?!
 Joey: Well I tried, but people kept coming in and then you took your
 breast out!
 Ross: Whoa! Hey! Whoa-whoa-whoa, you saw her breast?!
 Joey: (To Ross) I'll tell you about it later. Be cool.
 Rachel: Well then Joey, what the hell were you doing with an
 engagement ring?!
 Joey: It wasn't my ring! It's Ross's ring! That's why I felt so bad
 Rach, because he was going to propose.
 Ross: What?!
 Rachel: You were gonna propose to me?
 Ross: Uhh,  No.
 (An awkward silence follows.)
 Joey: Well, this is awkward. (See? I told you so.)
 Ross: But I-I was going to see if y'know, maybe you uh, start dating
 again but that-I mean that-that was all, Rach.
 Joey: Dude, step up! I proposed.
 Ross: No, you didn't!
 Joey: Oh that's right. There's a lot going on here and I think I ate
 some bad fruit earlier.
 (There's a knock on the door and the Nurse enters carrying Emma.)
 Nurse: Hey, she just woke up! She's hungry. Why don't we give this
 another try?
 Rachel: Okay.
 Ross: (To Joey) I can't believe you told her I was going to
 propose!
 Joey: I can't believe you're not going to propose!
 Ross: Hey, I'm not going to rush into anything!
 Joey: Oh yeah, dude, I totally understand. Usually after I have a baby
 with a woman I like to slow things down!
 Rachel: Oh my God!
 Ross: What?
 Rachel: She's doing it Look, she's breast-feeding look!
 Joey: (looking at the ceiling) Ah, it's beautiful.
 Nurse: I'll come back for her later.
 Rachel: Okay.


 The One Where Emma Cries
 The One Where Emma Cries
 Written by: Dana Klein BorkowTranscribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Rachel's Hospital Room, Ross is sitting next to Rachel.]
 Ross: You said you'd marry Joey?
 Rachel: Okay you have to realize, I was exhausted, I was emotional, I
 would have said yes to anybody. Like that time you and I got married! (Pause)
 I'm not helping.
 Ross: So you said yes to him, and you just had our baby?
 Rachel: That is right and traditionally the daddy is supposed to give
 the mummy a present but I am prepared to let that go.
 Ross: So when I came in here to see if you wanted to maybe start
 things up again, you were engaged to my best friend.
 Rachel: Well-Really? I thought Chandler was your best friend.
 Ross: Well, Chandler's my oldest friend, but Joey's my-No! Ah! (points
 at Rachel)
 Rachel: Ooooo!
 Joey: (Enters) Hey you guys I'm gonna take off. I just wanted to let
 you guys know, say goodbye.
 Ross: Rachel said she'd marry you?!
 Joey: (He looks around the room) This isn't the right room, sorry
 folks. (leaves)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe, Joey and Chandler are waiting for
 Ross and Rachel to come home and Monica is looking at the sign Phoebe bought
 that says, 'It's a Boy!']
 Monica: Ok, I don't wanna be negative so I'll say that most of the
 signs you bought are good.
 Phoebe: No they ran out of 'It's a girl' but I can fix this one, (She
 writes 'not' in between it's and a) See?
 Monica: (looking at Chandler sleeping with a balloon in his mouth) So
 sexy. (Waking him up.) Honey.
 Chandler: Yea yea. (Pulls the balloon out of his mouth)
 Monica: Honey why don't you go lie down.
 Chandler: No, no, Ross and Rachel will be back soon and then I gotta
 go to the office (Pulls another balloon out of his mouth) Am I producing
 them?
 Joey: Why're you so tired?
 Chandler: Couldn't sleep last night you know, then I started worrying
 about this big divisional meeting that I have later today, the more I worried
 about it the more I couldn't sleep. Y'know? I was like, if I fall asleep
 now I'll get six hours sleep, but if I fall asleep now I'll get five hours
 sleep. Not matter what I did I couldn't fall asleep.
 Joey: You know what you should've done, you should have told yourself
 that little story.
 Rachel: (enters with Emma) Hi!
 Everyone: Hi, welcome home!
 Monica: Phoebe did the signs!
 Rachel: Oh you guys thanks for doing this.
 Phoebe: Look at all the stuff people sent!
 Rachel: Oh Ah! (Sees a big stuffed gorilla) Oh my gosh there's
 something every mother needs, a giant stuffed gorilla that takes up the entire
 apartment! What are people think,  (Reads the card) Oh you guys I love it.
 Joey: Hey so where's Ross?
 Rachel: He's downstairs getting the rest of the stuff out of the
 cab.
 Joey: Is he still mad at us?
 Rachel: Well, you more then me, but he can't stay to mad at me. I
 mean, I just had his baby.
 Joey: That's not fair! I can't do that.
 Rachel: Yeah, I'm not so sure you should be here when he comes up.
 Joey: See this is what I was afraid of, I didn't think I should be
 here either but somebody (Looks at Chandler) said he'd be over it by now.
 Chandler: Hey, what do I know? I wanted to get a bigger gorilla.
 [Scene: A Boardroom, Chandler keeps drifting off to sleep at his
 meeting.]
 Ms. McKenna: The numbers we are seeing New York, Chicago, and London
 are consistently solid, but many of our officers have reported disappointing
 fields.
 (Chandler drifts off and his arm slips off the table and he wakes back
 up.)
 Ms. McKenna: Boston is down, Atlanta is down, Houston is down, I could
 go on and on but instead of boring you I'll go straight to my forty two point
 plan.
 (Chandler leans over to fall asleep on the man's shoulder next to him, only
 the man catches his attempt.)
 Chandler: Walter (nods).
 [Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Phoebe, Monica, Ross, and Rachel are watching Emma
 sleep.]
 Phoebe: She's just so cute! I just wanna bite her ear off and use it
 and a sucking candy.
 Monica: Phoebe! But I could take one of those little feet and put it
 in a pita pocket.
 Ross: (enters from the bed room) Okay I put most of the stuff
 away.
 Rachel: Oh great, the pacifiers?
 Ross: In the closet.
 Rachel: The burping clogs?


Ross: Linen closet.
 Rachel: The diapers?
 Ross: In the hospital.
 Phoebe: Wow you guys got a hospital? Fancy!
 Ross: No I left the diapers at the hospital! There's some in the bag
 but I'll run out and get some more.
 Rachel: Alright thanks, oh Ross could you stop by the coffee house and
 get me a muffin?
 Ross: Sure what kind?
 Rachel: Umm let me think...What do I want, what d-o I w-a-n-t...
 Ross: Please take your time, it's an important decision. Not like,
 say, I know! deciding to marry someone, this is about a muffin.
 Rachel: Blueberry.
 Ross: Blueberry it is.
 Rachel: Thanks.
 Monica: Wow, he's really not letting this go, is he?
 Rachel: God how long do you think that's gonna last?
 Phoebe: I dunno, well he got over the 'We were on a break' thing
 really quickly.
 Rachel: Y'know I can't even worry about that right now, cause I got
 the cutie little baby, oh I can't believe how much I love her, I can't get
 enough of her, like right now I miss her. I actually miss her.
 Phoebe: You know that's,  that's her.
 Rachel: Oh god look at her sleeping. Oh, I love her so
 much! Oh, I think I'm gonna wake her up.
 Phoebe: Oh no, Rach, no no, you know you're never
 supposed to wake a sleeping baby.
 Rachel: Well I can do whatever I want! I made her! (Waking Emma
 up.) Come on little girl, hi!
 (Emma starts crying)
 Phoebe: I can say I told you so but she's kinda doing that for me.
 Rachel: Oh I'm sorry mummy's so sorry go back to sleep go back to
 sleep. Shh.  Shhh! Go back to sleep
 (Emma continues crying in the background)
 Monica: Breaks your heart doesn't it
 Phoebe: It really does,  how long do you think we have to stay?
 [Scene: A Boardroom, Chandler's meeting continues.]
 Ms. McKenna: Ok if everyone's on board, it's settled, Chandler,
 (Walter puts his hand on Chandlers hand, Chandler sleeping puts his hand on top
 of his, he then wakes up and pulls his hand away) Chandler?
 Chandler: Yep.
 Ms. McKenna: Are you on board?
 Chandler: (not knowing what he's saying yes to) Yes.
 Ms. McKenna: Then, problem solved. Chandler will be running our office
 in Tulsa. You're gonna love Oklahoma.
 (Chandler smiles and nods then realizes what he's agreed to.)
 [Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Emma continues crying while Rachel, Monica and
 Phoebe try different methods to stop her crying.]
 Phoebe: Well, alright, we already tried feeding her, changing her,
 burping her, oh try this one! Go back in time and listen to Phoebe!
 Monica: Alright here's something, it says to try holding the baby
 close to your body and then swing her rapidly from side to side.
 Rachel: Ok. (Starts swinging Emma rapidly and she stops crying)
 Monica: It worked!
 Rachel: Oh (happy) oh no just stopped to throw up a little bit. (Emma
 starts crying again.) Oh come on, what am I gonna do, its been hours and it
 won't stop crying.
 Monica: Umm, she Rach, not it, she.
 Rachel: Yeah, I'm not so sure.
 Monica: Oh my god, I am losing my mind.
 Phoebe: Yeah, no kidding, this just proves no good can come from
 having sex with Ross!
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is getting Rachel's muffin.]
 Ross: Hey Gunther, can I get a couple of blueberry muffins to go? (He
 puts a bag with diapers in it on the counter.)
 Gunther: Diapers huh?
 Ross: Yep.
 Gunther: So I guess Rachel had you baby?
 Ross: Yep, can you believe it?
 Gunther: Nope! I still can't believe she slept with you in the
 first place.
 Ross: Huh? Ooh (laughs) you mean like a,  Huh?
 Joey: (entering) Hey. (Ross turns to see who it is, and seeing it's
 Joey he just ignores him and turns back around.) Ross, I know you're pissed at
 me, but we have to talk about this.
 Ross: Ah actually we don't. (Ross walks off)
 Joey: Fine, fine okay. But I gotta say
 technically, I didn't even do anything wrong.
 Ross: (turns back) What! (Angrily) You didn't do anything wrong?!
 Joey: I said I didn't technically.
 Ross: Okay let's put aside that you (Makes quote marks with his
 fingers.) 'accidentally' picked up my grandmothers ring and you (Does it again)
 'accidentally' proposed to Rachel.
 Joey: Look, can I just stop you right there for a second? When people
 do this (Makes quote marks with his fingers.) I don't really know what that
 means. (Ross just looks at him) You were saying?
 Ross: And I can even understand that you couldn't tell Rachel, but why
 couldn't you tell me, huh? You had all day to and you didn't.