Ross: (in his head) Oh my God! That's Rachel naked! I can't look at that! I
 am looking at this. (Looks back at his book.) Okay, vivid colors, expressive brush
 strokes Unless she wants me to be looking at that. She knows I'm home. She
 knows I can see her. What kind of game is she playing? I think maybe someone's lonely
 tonight. Oh-ho, Dr. Geller! Stop it! You're being silly! Or, am I?
 [Cut back to Monica and Rachel's apartment, Rachel is singing along with a song and
 dancing while facing the big picture window. Y'know, I think I'd pay real good money to be
 on the other side of that window!]
 Rachel: (singing) Love to love ya baby! Ow! Love to love ya baby! Ow!
 (There's a knock on the door, she turns off the music, puts on her robe, and goes to
 answer the door.) Love to love ya, baby! (There's another knock.) Darnit! (Looks
 through the peephole and turns on the lights.) Ugh. (She opens the door to Ross who's
 leaning against the door jam.)
 Ross: Hey.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the scene is continued from where we left off before the
 break.]
 Ross: May I come in?
 Rachel: Uh, yeah, if you want too.
 Ross: Do you want me too?
 Rachel: Yeah, sure?
 Ross: So do I. (Slowly walks in.) Okay Rach, before anything happens (He takes
 off his coat) I just want to lay down a couple of ground rules. (Turns back to face her.)
 This is just about tonight. I don't to go through with this if it's going to raise the
 question of 'Us.' (Rachel's confused) Okay? I just want this to be (Kicks off
 his left shoe) about what it is! (Kicks off the other one.)
 Rachel: And um, what-what is that Ross?
 Ross: The physical act of love. (Hisses at her.)
 Rachel: (laughs) What?! Are you crazy?
 Ross: Oh so-so you weren't trying to entice me just now with your-your
 nakedness?
 Rachel: (gasps) Oh God, you saw me?! Oh!
 Ross: You weren't trying to entice me with your nakedness.
 Rachel: Noo!! No! You thought, you actually thought I wanted to have sex with
 you?!
 Ross: No! No! (Grabs his coat) No! (Grabs a shoe.) No-no-no-no. (Grabs the other
 one and heads for the door.)
 Rachel: Ohh wow! I'm sorry, but Ross you kicked off your shoes!
 Ross: Can we, can we just forget this ever happened?
 Rachel: Yes of course, absolutely! You're right. I'm sorry.
 Ross: Thank you.
 Rachel: Yes.
 Ross: All right I guess I'm, gonna go pack. (Starts to leave)
 Rachel: Okay. Oh wait! One more thing umm, do-do we still need to uh settle the
 question of 'us?'
 (Ross storms off embarrassed.)
 [Scene: Las Vegas, we have the typical glamour shots of Vegas, the Strip, slot
 machines, a couple other gaming tables all set to the tune of you guessed it, Money.
 Anyhoo, we finally get through that and watch Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe enter Caesar's
 Palace carrying their luggage.]
 Phoebe: Hey you guys wait! Guys! (Catches up to them.) This place is so much
 better than London! Okay? This lady dressed like Cleopatra gave me a coupon, 99 cent steak
 and lobster dinner. Huh!
 Monica: Phoebe, you don't eat animals.
 Phoebe: For 99 cents, I'd eat you. (Sees the casino) Okay, I can totally settle
 down here. It's got everything I could ever want, including Joey! Look! (Points to Joey in
 his gladiator suit posing for a picture with two old ladies.) Oh! Look! Hi!
 Chandler: Oh my God.
 Phoebe: Hey! Joey! (They all head over to him, he spots them coming and panics.)
 Hey! Hey!! Wow! (She hugs him.)
 Joey: Hi!
 Chandler: Love your condoms my man.
 Joey: What-what are you guys doing here? I thought I told you not to come.
 Phoebe: Why are you dressed as a gladiator?
 Joey: Uhh, because I'm shooting a scene right now. Yeah, I uh, I play a
 gladiator. Uh, y'know what? Hold-hold on a second. (To no one in particular) Can we cut?
 Yeah, my-my friends are here, I'm gonna take a little break.
 Monica: Who are you talking too?
 Joey: They uh director. Uhh, her. (Points to an old woman standing behind him.
 Who glares at him and walks off.) All right, all right, it's not a gladiator movie. I work
 here.
 Chandler: Why?! What happened?!
 Joey: Well, the movie got shutdown because they ran out of money, so I'm working
 here 'til it starts up again, if it ever does.
 Monica: I'm so sorry.
 Joey: Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell ya. (To Chandler) I'm sorry man.
 Chandler: No-no, that's okay, apparently there's a new policy where we don't
 have to share everything with everybody.
 Monica: I knew you were not okay with that.
 Phoebe: So you're a gladiator! Wow!
 Joey: Yeah, what-what's going on?
 Phoebe: Monica had lunch with Richard.


Joey: Dawson?!
 Phoebe: Noo! But that would've been so cool!
 Chandler: No! Her boyfriend Richard!
 Monica: It meant nothing! Okay? After all this time, how can you not
 trust me?
 Chandler: When you go lunching with hunky moustache men and don't tell me about
 it!
 Monica: You're right. I'm sorry. I should've told you.
 Chandler: Thanks. (They hug.)
 Joey: Aww, there we go.
 Phoebe: I love Vegas!
 Monica: I promise you, next time I will absolutely tell you.
 Chandler: (pushing her away from another hug) Next time?
 Joey: Ooh, so close.
 Chandler: There's not gonna be a next time! You can not ever see him again!
 Monica: I can not see him? I mean, you can't tell me what to do!
 Chandler: That's so funny, because I think I just did!
 Monica: Oh y'know what? If you're gonna be acting like this all night, I really,
 I don't even want to be around you.
 Chandler: Fine with me!
 Monica: Fine! Happy Anniversary!
 Joey: Whoa! Whoa! Guys! Please! Come on! Come on! This is obviously just a big
 misunderstanding.
 Monica: No it is not!
 Chandler: What are you talking
 Joey: Hey-hey don't look at me! I just work here! (Walks away.)
 [Scene: An aircraft cabin, Ross and Rachel are on their way to Vegas.]
 Rachel: (taking off her sweater) Okay umm, Ross? I'm-I'm really warm, so I'm
 going to be taking off my sweater. Now, I'm just letting you know that this is not
 an invitation to the physical act of love.
 Ross: (sarcastic) Yep! That's hilarious!
 Rachel: I'm sorry. I'm done. I'm done.
 Ross: Y'know, last night was embarrassing for you too.
 Rachel: No, not really. I mean you've seen me naked hundreds of times.
 Ross: Uh-huh. But it was a first for the rest of my building.
 Rachel: Okay. All right, that's true! But y'know I just don't embarrass that
 easily.
 Ross: What?! You totally get embarrassed!
 Rachel: No, I don't! Ross, I think I'm just a more secure person than you are.
 Ross: Is that so?
 Rachel: Yeah.
 (Pause.)
 Ross: (loudly so that everyone can hear) Hey lady! I don't care how much you
 want it! Okay?! I am not gonna to have sex with you in the bathroom! (Rachel
 sinks lower on her chair trying to hide.)
 [Scene: Chandler's hotel room, he's sitting there with Joey who's talking about his
 helmet and running his hand through that feathery thing at the top.]
 Joey: Hey, y'know in Roman times this was more than just a hat.
 Chandler: Really?
 Joey: Yeah, sure! Sure! They would uh, they would scrub the floors with it! They
 would use it to get the mud off their shoe. And sometimes underneath the horse would get
 dirty so they would stick it right
 Chandler: (interrupting in the nick of time) Joey, I uh! I can't believe
 this is how I'm spending my anniversary.
 Joey: All right well, I'll take you someplace nice then. Look! A guy tipped me a
 hundred bucks today.
 Chandler: Whoa!
 Joey: Yeah-yeah, he was playing blackjack for like an hour and he won $5,000.
 Can you believe that? $5,000!
 Chandler: Y'know, if I won $5,000 I'd join a gym, y'know build up my upper body
 and hit Richard from behind with a stick! (Mimics it.)
 Joey: Wait a minute! Why don't I do what that guy did? I'll take this $100 and
 turn it into $5,000! And then I'll turn that into enough money to get my movie
 going again!
 Chandler: Good luck!
 Joey: Chandler! I don't need luck. I have thought this through!
 Chandler: I see.
 (Joey exits as Chandler shakes his head.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: The casino bar, Phoebe and Monica are sitting at the bar, while Wayne Newton's
 signature song Danke Schoen is playing in the background.]
 Monica: (to the bartender) Thank you.
 Phoebe: Thanks.
 Monica: I can't believe this! This is like the worst night ever!
 Phoebe: Y'know Monica you had a minor setback in your relationship with
 Chandler. Big deal! It's only Chandler. (Monica turns and stares at her.) I am so
 sorry.
 Monica: This is crazy! I mean, it's such a stupid argument. I don't even wanna
 see Richard again.
 Phoebe: So go fix it! Go find Chandler! He's probably up in your room! Tell him
 that you're sorry and that you love him.
 Monica: Y'know what? You're right Phoebe. You're right. Thank you! (Gets up to
 find Chandler.)
 Phoebe: Sure! (When Monica gets close to the door.) (Yelling) Yeah! Las Vegas,
 number one!
 [Cut to the casino, Monica is walking through it past the craps table when she notices
 a chip on the floor. She picks it up and heads to the table.]
 Monica: Anybody lose this? (Holds up the chip and the woman next to her shakes
 her head no.)
 The Croupier: Comin' out. Place your bet. (Monica does so.) Dice are out. (The
 woman next to Monica rolls the dice.) Double or nothin'! Pay the front line! (Monica won
 and doubled the chip.)


Monica: Hmm.
 [Scene: An airplane cabin, Ross and Rachel are both reading as a guy stops by their
 row.]
 Guy: (To Rachel) So uh, I'm on my way back to the bathroom. (Ross
 giggles.)
 Rachel: Yeah, all right. All right! Just keep walkin'! All right?
 (Ross keeps giggling and Rachel decides upon revenge. She gets up and kisses the rather
 large man in the seat in front of Ross on the back of his head. The guy turns around
 angrily.)
 Rachel: Ross! What are you  I'm sorry sir. I just, I think he just really
 likes you.
 [Time lapse, Ross is drinking something and decides to get Rachel again.]
 Ross: (to the guy in the window seat next to him) Hey! Y'know that teacher who
 had a baby with her student? (He points at Rachel.)
 [Time lapse, Rachel pushes the flight attendant call button, takes Ross's drink, and
 spills it into his lap.]
 Ross: What the? What
 Rachel: (to the flight attendant who appears in record time. It was only seconds
 after Rachel pushed the call button was she there. Once again, more proof that TV isn't
 real, IRL she would've been waiting for the rest of the flight and by then Ross's pants
 would be dry.) Hi!
 The Flight Attendant: Miss? May I help you?
 Rachel: Yes, I'm sorry. Do you have any extra pants? Umm, my friend seems to
 have had a little accident.
 [Scene: Caesar's Palace Casino, Joey is approaching one of the blackjack tables
 on his quest to make enough money for his movie.]
 Joey: (to the dealer) Can I change a hundred? (He hands him his chip.)
 Blackjack Dealer: Changing one hundred! (Gives him the change.) Good luck sir.
 Joey: (betting all 100) Let's ride.
 Blackjack Dealer: (Deals the cards) 13.
 Joey: Hit me! (He does so.) Ohh man! (Joey busts and loses all the money, but
 when the dealer starts to collect the cards Joey notices something.) Wait! (He holds his
 hand next to the dealer's hand.)
 [Cut to Chandler's room, Joey is relaying to Chandler his amazing discovery.]
 Joey: Chandler! You are not gonna believe this! I have found my identical
 hand twin!
 Chandler: (totally confused) What?
 Joey: My identical hand twin!
 Chandler: What's an identical hand twin?
 Joey: What's it sound like? It's a guy with my identical hands! It was
 incredible! Chandler, the dealer's hands were exactly like me! It-it was like looking at
 my hands in a mirror!
 Chandler: Are you sure you weren't (pause) looking at your hands in a mirror?
 Joey: Don't you see what this means?! I can forget about that stupid movie.
 I'm gonna be a millionaire!
 Chandler: (totally confused) How?
 Joey: Look, I don't have it all worked out yet, but it's gotta mean big money!
 Come on! Identical hands!
 Chandler: Again I must go back to, how?
 Joey: This is Vegas man! People will pay to see freaky stuff! Okay, how much
 would you pay to see this hand (Holds up his left hand) twice? Huh?
 Chandler: (Pause) Y'know, I-I can't really put a price on that Joe.
 Joey: Hey, are you unsupporting me again?
 Chandler: No! No! I support you 100%! I just didn't, I didn't get it right away.
 Y'know now I'm caught up! Identical hand twins! It's a million-dollar idea!
 (Joey starts to leave to embark on his genius moneymaking scheme, but is freaked out
 slightly when as he goes to open the door, there's a mysterious knock. He calms himself
 down and opens the door to reveal Phoebe.)
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Joey: Pheebs!!
 Phoebe: Yeah?
 Joey: I found my identical hand twin!
 Phoebe: Ohh, you are so lucky! (To Chandler) Hey! So, where's Monica? Did
 you guys make up?
 Chandler: No!
 Phoebe: But she just came up here!
 Chandler: That was Joey!
 Phoebe: I wonder where she is. That is so weird.
 Chandler: Yeah, well, she's probably talking to Richard.
 Phoebe: Would you stop that! Do you wanna know the first thing she said when she
 came back from her lunch with Richard? She didn't feel anything for him. She loves you!
 Chandler: Really?
 Phoebe: Yes! Now, she feels terrible! She really wants to make up! You gotta
 find her.
 Chandler: Okay. (He gets up and goes to find her.)
 Phoebe: Good. (After he leaves, she puts on Joey's gladiator helmet and checks
 herself out in the mirror) I should really start wearing hats!
 [Scene: Caesar's Palace Casino, Chandler is looking for Monica while Tom Jones's
 signature song is playing in the background (Getting the theme yet? Tom Jones, Wayne
 Newton, casinos  They're in Vegas people! Catch up!) It's Not Unusual, y'know,
 'It's not unusual to be loved by anyone! It's not unusual to have fun with anyone!
  But when I see you hanging about with anyone, it's not unusual to see me cry!
  I wanna die.' Well, while that's playing he spots Monica playing craps and
 in victory hug the guy next to her. Chandler turns and walks out.]
 [Scene: That same plane cabin, Ross is working on a crossword puzzle and Rachel is
 asleep against his shoulder. She shifts a little bit and Ross suddenly gets an idea. An
 evil idea when he looks at his pen. Then we have a little time lapse, the plane has landed
 and everyone is disembarking. The flight attendant is saying bye-bye to everyone.]
 The Flight Attendant: (to another passenger) Welcome to Las
 Vegas.
 (Rachel approaches and we see the fruits of Ross's evil plan. He has drawn a moustache
 and beard on Rachel. The flight attendant just ignores it.)
 The Flight Attendant: (To Rachel) Thank you! (Not sure of
 herself) Enjoy your flight?


Rachel: Yes, I did. Thank you very much, it was excellent. (Disembarks)
 The Flight Attendant: (To Ross) Hope you had a nice flight.
 Ross: Ohh, it was the best!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: The casino, Ross and Rachel are entering.]
 Ross: I think the check in is that way. (Points)
 Rachel: Ahh.
 (A young boy sees Rachel, points, and starts laughing.)
 Rachel: Hello! (She makes a face and the kid laughs harder. Finally, his parents
 drag him off.) Ohh, kids love me.
 Phoebe: (sees Ross and Rachel) Hey!
 Ross: Phoebe! (They hug.)
 Phoebe: You guys are here! Yay!
 Rachel: Hi! (Hugs Phoebe)
 Phoebe: (sees Rachel's face) What? Did you go to a costume party? Let me guess
 umm Pancho Vila? (Points at Rachel) and you're Bob Saget. (An old lady has sat down at the
 slot machine Phoebe was just at.)
 Rachel: Pancho Vila?
 Phoebe: Yeah! (Motions to her face, indicating all of Rachel's
 'make-up.')
 Rachel: What are you talking about Pheebs? (Takes out her compact) I don't
 (She gasps when she looks in the mirror and sees her face.) (To Ross) Oh my God, you drew
 on me?!
 Ross: Hey, you wet my pants!
 Phoebe: Whoa, what kind of party was this?
 Rachel: Ross, I have been walking around like this since the plane! I
 can you have so crossed a line. (Heads for the bathroom)
 Ross: Rach! Wait! The men's room is that way. (Points in the other direction.
 Rachel hits him with her purse and heads for the ladies room.)
 (The old lady at Phoebe's machine wins. Phoebe turns around in shock.)
 Phoebe: Ugh!
 Ross: What?
 Phoebe: That's like the third time that lady's won on a machine I was playing.
 Ross: Oooohhh, I'll bet she's one of those people.
 Phoebe: M-M-Mole people?
 Ross: What? No-no, a lurker.
 Phoebe: Oh. What's a lurker?
 Ross: Okay when you're playing a machine and it hasn't paid out, a lurker waits
 for you to give up and then
 Phoebe: Kills you?
 Ross: No. They swoop in and steal your jackpot.
 Phoebe: Ohhh!
 Ross: Uh-hmm.
 Phoebe: How do you know about this?
 Ross: My nana used to do it. That's how she paid for all my dance karate
 lessons.
 Phoebe: Dance karate?
 Ross: Yes, it's a deadly but beautiful sport. (Does a karate chop, then does a
 little dance-type sway.)
 Rachel: (returning with her purse covering her face) All right, it won't
 come off!
 Ross: What?!
 Rachel: It won't come off!
 Ross: Oh my God! Rach-Rach, are-are-are you sure?
 Rachel: No, actually I took it off then I drew it back on.
 Joey: (entering) Hey-hey-hey you made it!
 Ross: Joey!!
 Joey: All right! Hey-hey!
 Rachel: Hi!!
 Joey: Who's your friend? He's hot! (Ross laughs and Rachel smacks him with her
 purse.)
 Ross: (To Joey) Thanks man.
 Rachel: Hi. (She hugs Joey.)
 Ross: Hey listen I uh, talked to Chandler, sorry about the movie.
 Joey: No, don't be sorry. I don't need it anymore. I found my identical hand
 twin!
 Ross: Your what?
 Joey: My identical hand twin! The person whose hands are exactly like mine! This
 thing is a gold mine!
 Ross: What?! That's not gonna make you any money!
 Joey: Okay. Well, if that's how you feel about it, fine! None of you get to live
 with me in my great big hand-shaped mansion! Except uh, you Pheebs. You can live in the
 thumb.
 [Scene: The craps table, Monica is on a big roll.]
 Monica: All right baby, come on! (Rolls the dice) Yes! Yes! I am on fire!
 Chandler: (walking by with his luggage) See you later Mon.
 Monica: Wait Chandler, what are you doing?!
 Chandler: What does it look like? I'm going home.
 Monica: What? Wait! Why? (He turns and heads for the door and she chases after
 him.) Chandler! Chandler! Wait! I'm sorry, I was just playing for one second! I was
 trying to find you to tell you that, look if you don't want me to see Richard again, I
 won't! He means nothing to me!
 Chandler: Come on! I was there! (He's propped up with his hand on a statute of a
 naked guy. He winces and pulls his hand away.) I know he's the love of your life.
 Monica: Not any more.
 Chandler: Really?!
 Monica: Really! (They hug and kiss) All right? Let's forget about this going
 home stuff and celebrate our anniversary. (She picks up his suitcase.) Okay, this is
 empty.
 Chandler: Yeah, I wanted to make a dramatic scene, but I hate packing.
 [Scene: A blackjack table, it's the same one Joey's hand twin was working at, only he's
 not there anymore and has been replaced by a beautiful woman.]
 Joey: (entering) Uhh, hey. Where's the other guy?
 The Woman Dealer: Which guy?
 Joey: He's kinda tall, dark hair, hand looks exactly like this. (Holds up his
 hand.) See?
 The Woman Dealer: I don't know about the hands, but the guy that was
 here before me just went to the bathroom.


Joey: Okay! (Walks away, then turns back.) How you doin'?
 The Woman Dealer: Very busy.
 Joey: Right! Okay. (Heads for the bathroom.)
 [Scene: Ross and Rachel's hotel room, Rachel is still trying to get the ink off and
 Ross is on the phone to the company. Wait a minute, why exactly are they sharing a hotel
 room? Didn't they like break-up or something? Did I miss a memo? Or maybe, it's just
 foreshadowing things to come. Who knows? Maybe the answer's at the bottom of the page.
 Then again, maybe it isn't and it's just one of those things TV writers just don't
 explain. Anyhoo ]
 Ross: (on the phone) Yes, hello. I have a question. Umm, I used your pen to draw
 on my friend's face. (Listens) A beard and a moustache. (Listens and laughs) Thank you.
 (Rachel turns around and glares at him.) No, she didn't think so. (Listens) I know
 it's like (turns and sees Rachel staring at him and quickly changes the subject) anyway,
 umm well make-up didn't cover it and we've tried everything to get it off and nothing's
 worked. What-what do we do? (Listens) Yeah. (Listens) Uh-huh. (Listens) Yeah. (Listens)
 Oh! Okay. (Listens) Okay, thank you! (Rachel gets excited at his tone.) (Hangs up the
 phone) Yeah, it's not coming off.
 Rachel: What?! What else did he say?
 Ross: Umm, he said he thought I was funny. So (Rachel stares at him.) Okay,
 look-look umm, let's just go downstairs, we'll have some fun, and you will forget all
 about it.
 Rachel: Ross, no! There is no way I am leaving this room looking like
 this!
 Ross: Oh, come on! Rach, it's-it's not that bad.
 Rachel: Ross, I am a human doodle!!
 Ross: Look, just because some idiot drew on your face doesn't mean you shouldn't
 have any fun! Okay? And besides, hey-hey-hey no one is even gonna look at you.
 Okay? This is Vegas! Hello! There are tons of other freaks here! (Rachel turns around and
 glares at him.) There are tons of freaks here. No other. No. Come on! No one
 will notice, I swear!
 (They both exit.)
 [Time lapse, they're both entering.]
 Ross: Okay, there was some staring and pointing.
 Rachel: Okay, I need a, I need a drink! (Makes a beeline for the mini-bar.)
 Ross: Oh, hey y'know, they-they really overcharge you for that stuff. (Rachel
 glares at him.) But who cares?! Because it's all on me! (Rachel reaches into the fridge
 and pulls out two handfuls of those mini booze bottles.) (Watching her.) That is, one big
 drink!
 Rachel: (she's finished reliving the fridge of its entire alcohol content.)
 Macadamia nut?
 Ross: (looking at the price list) Umm  Wow! That's-that's some pricey nut!
 Rachel: Hm-mmm! (Opens the container)
 Ross: Really like those Macadamia nuts, huh?
 Rachel: Nope! (She puts one in her mouth and spits it out, then does it again in
 another direction.)
 [Scene: The casino, Phoebe is playing on a slot machine. Suddenly the lurker sticks her
 head around the aisle of slot machines.]
 Phoebe: (seeing her) Get out of here you lurker! (She doesn't move) Go on! Get!
 (She throws a quarter at her.)
 Chandler: (arm-in-arm with Monica) Hey Pheebs!
 Phoebe: Ohh! You made up!
 Monica: Yeah, I couldn't be mad at him for too long.
 Chandler: Yeah, she couldn't live without the Chan Love. (They start kissing.)
 Phoebe: Ohh, get a room.
 Monica: We have one.
 Phoebe: I know. Use it.
 [Scene: The Men's room, Joey is entering and sees his hand twin washing his hands.]
 Joey: Oh-oh-oh, yeah! (He grabs some towels and takes them to him.) That's
 right, you take good care of those babies!
 Joey's Hand Twin: Excuse me?
 Joey: It's me, Joey!
 Joey's Hand Twin: Do I know you?
 Joey: (holds up his hand) Joey!
 Joey's Hand Twin: Oh-ho, yeah. Yeah, the hand guy.
 Joey: Okay, so what are we going to do about this hand twin thing?!
 Joey's Hand Twin: Nothing?
 Joey: Look, you and I have been given a gift. Okay? We have to do something with
 it. Like-like, hand modeling! Huh? Or-or magic! And you know NASA's gonna wanna
 talk to us!
 Joey's Hand Twin: (tries to leave) I have to get back to
 Joey: (stopping him) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa-whoa! We could have our own show!
 Y'know we could clap our hands together people will love it! Huh? And-and-and I wrote a
 song for us! (Singing, to the tune of This Land is Your Land) This hand is your
 hand! This hand is my hand! Oh wait, that's your hand! No wait, it's my hand!
 Joey's Hand Twin: That's okay. (Walks out.)
 Joey: (following him) But you haven't even heard the chorus!
 [Scene: Ross and Rachel's room, Ross is drinking a beer while Rachel is examining
 herself in the mirror.]
 Rachel: Oh my God, I'm starting to look like my great aunt, Muriel.
 Ross: (gets up) All right. Y'know what? We don't have to go downstairs! We
 can bring Vegas up to us! (He grabs a deck of cards and pulls up a chair.) All right, come
 on, come on, we'll play some blackjack. Here we go. (Deals the cards.) 13.


Rachel: Hit me!
 Ross: (does so) Oohh, 23. (Rachel looks at him.) Which is what we play to at
 this casino! You win 10 dollars! (Holds out a ten.)
 Rachel: I bet 20.
 Ross: You're right! (Gives her the twenty she won.)
 [Scene: The Craps Table, Monica is still on her roll, only this time Chandler's with
 her and she has a huge crowd of people around.]
 Monica: (shaking the dice) A new pair of shoes for the Chan-Chan man! (Rolls the
 dice.) Yes!
 Chandler: Yes! I've-I've never seen a roll like this in my life!
 Monica: That's right baby! Okay, what do I want now?
 Chandler: Okay, ah umm, ah, a 8. Ah, a 6?
 Monica: Pick a number! That is your only job!
 Chandler: 8. 8!
 Monica: Thank you!
 Chandler: If you get this one, we buy everybody here a steak dinner!
 All: Yay!!
 The Croupier: 8!
 Monica: Yes!
 All: Yay!!
 Monica: (To Chandler) We're not really gonna buy these people steak dinners are
 we?
 Chandler: Noo!
 Monica: Okay, good! Okay, what do I want now?
 Chandler: Ahh, ooh, try a hard 8.
 Monica: What?
 Chandler: Two fours.
 Monica: Okay. (Rolls the dice)
 The Croupier: 8!:
 A Drunken Gambler: (To Chandler) Don't you let her go! You're a lucky guy!
 Chandler: Thank you, Mister Drunken Gambler! Okay, you get this and uh, we get
 the biggest suite in the place! (Everyone cheers) Wait-wait-wait-wait! We (motions
 to Monica and him.) get the biggest suite in the place.
 Monica: All right, biggest suite in the place. Come on! (Rolls the dice.)
 Chandler: (sees the roll) Yes!! I love you! I can't even remember what we were
 fighting about!
 Monica: Oh, that's because I had lunch with Rich Me neither! Okay, what do
 I want now?
 Chandler: Another hard 8.
 Monica: Hard 8?! We should call it easy 8!
 Chandler: Okay, okay, I tell you what. You roll another hard eight; (pause) and
 we get married here tonight.
 Drunken Gambler: Go! Come on! Roll!
 All: Roll-roll!!
 Monica: Shut up!! It just got interesting!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: The Craps table, continued from earlier.]
 Monica: What did you just say?
 Chandler: You roll another hard eight and we get married here tonight.
 Monica: Are you serious?!
 Chandler: Yes! I love you! I've never loved anybody as much as I love you.
 Monica: I've never loved anybody as much as I love you.
 Chandler: Okay, so if an eight comes up, we take it as a sign and we do it!
 (Whoa! Where have I heard that before? Matthew Perry talking about signs in Las Vegas. I
 guess it must've been some movie I saw.) What do you say?
 Monica: Okay!
 Chandler: Okay! Come on! Let's go! All right!
 (She rolls the dice, but one bounces out of the table.)
 Chandler: (spots one) Okay! That's a four! And where-where's the other one?
 Drunken Gambler: It went under the table.
 Monica: Nobody move! (To Chandler) Okay, you look that way; I'll look this way!
 Chandler: All right!
 (He searches to his right; she searches to her left. They're both on their hands and
 knees when they spot the die. It's propped up against the table leg, and it's not lying
 flat. Both the four and the five are showing.)
 Chandler: Here it is! Here it is!
 Monica: That could be a four or a five. It's your call.
 (Pause.)
 Chandler: It's a four.
 Monica: I think so too.
 (Cue up the music as they move in and kiss. This time I think it's Perry Como, but I'm
 not sure. It's Everybody loves somebody, sometime! Everybody falls in love somehow!
 Something in your kiss, just told me, my sometime, is now!)
 [Scene: The slot machines, Phoebe is still feeding quarters into the one-armed bandit
 as the lurker peeks over the top of the machines.]
 Phoebe: Oh well, lost again. (She gets up and slowly moves away. The lurker
 scurries in and takes her spot, only this time Phoebe set a trap for her and catches her
 in the act.) That's it! You and me, outside!
 The Lurker: I don't want to see you lose a chunk of that pretty blond
 hair!
 (They start smacking each other's cups, but Phoebe notices a security guard
 approaching.)
 Phoebe: Be cool! (They both pretend to have a nice conversation as the guard
 walks by, but after he leaves they both start fighting again.) Okay lady, your lurking
 days are over!
 The Lurker: What?!
 Phoebe: Yeah, from now on everyone you lurk, I'm gonna lurk first! You move on
 to someone else, I'm gonna be one step ahead of you, every single time! And then I'll be
 on your ass every hour of every day 'til Monday, because that's when I go home. When do
 you leave?
 The Lurker: Also Monday.
 Phoebe: What time? Maybe we can share a cab!
 [Scene: Ross and Rachel's room, they've pretty much consumed the entire mini-bar.
 Needless to say, they're feeling no pain and are still playing blackjack.]


Rachel: Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit
 me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (She slows down with
 each one.)
 Ross: (runs out of cards) We need more cards.
 Rachel: Yeah, and also we need more umm, drinks. Hold on a second. (Gets up but
 stumbles a little bit.) Whup, okay. (She makes it to the phone and picks it up, without
 dialing.) Hello! Vegas? Yeah, we would like some more alcohol, and y'know what else? We
 would like some more beers. Hello? Ohh, I forgot to dial!
 (They both start laughing. There's a knock on the door.)
 Ross: That must be our alcohol and beers! (Gets up to answer it.)
 Joey: Hey!
 Ross: Ohh, it's Joey! I love Joey! (Hugs him.)
 Rachel: Ohh, I love Joey! Joey lives with a duck! (Goes and hugs Joey.)
 Joey: Hi!
 Rachel: Hey!
 Joey: Look-look-look you guys, I need some help! Okay? Someone is going to have
 to convince my hand twin to cooperate!
 Ross: I'll do it. Hey, whatever you need me to do, I'm your man. (He starts to
 sit down on the bed. There's one problem though, he's about two feet to the left of it.
 Needless to say, he misses and falls on his butt.) (Looking up at Joey.) Whoa-oh-whoa! Are
 you, are you okay?
 Joey: Yeah! I'm fine! Thanks! (He starts to leave, but gets an idea and stops.)
 Hey Rach, how you doin'?
 Rachel: I'm doin' good, baby. How you doin'?
 Joey: Ross, don't let her drink anymore! (Exits)
 Ross: Ohh, here's that Macadamia nut!
 Rachel: Ohhh!!
 Ross: (he puts it in his mouth) Nope! Something else. (Throws it back under the
 bed.)
 Rachel: Oops! All right, so what do you want to do now?
 Ross: I wanna get out of the room! Y'know, I I really miss downstairs.
 Rachel: Okay, y'know what? There's only one way I'm leaving this hotel room.
 [Cut to the casino, a very drunk and doodled on Rachel is walking arm in arm with an
 equally drunk and doodled on Ross are walking through the casino and greeting people on
 their way through. Ross has some whiskers and his nose colored in, along with his name on
 his forehead.]
 Ross: Well hello! I'm Ross!
 Rachel: Good luck to ya!
 Ross: Excuse me sir, you've got a little something right here. (He points to the
 corner of his mouth and they both laugh.)
 (They've made their way to the statue of the naked man that Chandler was leaning
 against earlier.)
 Rachel: Wow!
 Ross: (bowing) Hello!
 Rachel: (bowing) Hello!
 Ross and Rachel: (bowing) Hello!
 (They both continue on and Ross meows like a cat.)
 [Scene: The slot machines, we see some guy not having any luck. Both Phoebe and the
 Lurker are lurking him and each stick their heads around the corner at different times
 This is all set to that Pink Panther song. Finally the guy gives up and walks past
 the lurker's position, thus giving her the advantage. She scurries in and quickly drops a
 coin in the slot before Phoebe gets there. Phoebe arrives slightly later and pulls the arm
 just after the lurker deposits the coin and wins.]
 Phoebe: I won! I won! I finally won!
 The Lurker: I won! That was my quarter!
 Phoebe: Fine! Here! Take a hike toots! (Gives back her quarter.)
 (The security guard approaches.)
 The Lurker: (to the guard) Excuse me, sir! This lady played my quarter,
 this is my money. (Motions to the jackpot.)
 The Security Guard: (To Phoebe) Is that true miss?
 Phoebe: (quietly) Sells drugs to kids.
 The Security Guard: What?!
 Phoebe: She sells drugs to kids. (The guard looks at the lurker.)
 The Lurker: It was my quarter!
 The Security Guard: (To Phoebe) Was it her quarter?
 Phoebe: How about we talk about this over dinner?
 The Security Guard: Okay lady, you're out of here.
 Phoebe: No! No, you can't arrest me! No!! I won't go back! I won't go back to
 that hell hole!!
 The Security Guard: I'm just taking you outside!
 Phoebe: Oh, okay. (Walks out.)
 [Scene: The Gift Shop, Monica and Chandler are entering.]
 Monica: Okay, come on, I can't get married until I get something old, something
 new, something borrowed, and something blue.
 Chandler: Okay, all right, all right, all right! Okay! (Picks up a blue
 sweater.) Okay, here's something, here's something blue and new.
 Monica: You're so efficient. I love you!
 Chandler: Let's go! (Starts to leave.)
 Monica: No-no-no! We need something old!
 Chandler: Ohh, great, I have condom in my wallet I've had since I was twelve.
 Monica: That'll work!
 Chandler: I don't think so.
 Monica: Okay, now we just need something borrowed!
 Chandler: (looks around) Here just take this. (Hands her the sweater.)
 Monica: That's stealing!
 Chandler: No, we'll-we'll bring it back! Just put it under your dress.
 (She does so and it makes her look pregnant.)


 The One After Vegas
 The One After Vegas
 Written by: Adam Chase
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: The Wedding Chapel, continued from last season. Chandler and Monica are about
 to get married.]
 Chandler: Okay! (Stands up) This is it! (Claps his hands) We're gonna get
 married!
 Monica: Are you sure you wanna do this?
 (Suddenly the doors burst open, and ROSS AND RACHEL COME OUT ARM-IN-ARM!!!!! And
 Rachel's carrying a bouquet!!! THEY GOT MARRIED!!!!)
 Ross: Well, hello, Mrs. Ross! (Throws some rice.)
 Rachel: Well, hello, Mr. Rachel! (Throws some more rice.)
 (They storm out into the street.)
 Rachel: Wait! (Gets her bearings) Okay!
 (She goes one way; he goes the other. The camera pans back to Chandler and Monica, and
 needless to say, they're standing there dumbstruck.)
 Monica: Whoa!
 Chandler: Oh my God!
 Joey: (entering with Phoebe) Come on Pheebs! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!
 Phoebe: Okay! Okay! Okay! (They run into the chapel.)
 (Chandler and Monica are stunned again.)
 Chandler: Oh my God!! Is everybody getting married?!!
 (Phoebe and Joey run back out and head towards the street.)
 Attendant: (scolding them) N-No running in the chapel!
 Phoebe: (to her) Hey! Don't you give me any of your Hey! (Sees
 Chandler and Monica standing there.)
 Chandler: Hey!
 Joey: Hey!
 Monica: What are you guys doing here?
 Joey: Ross and Rachel left us a message saying they were getting married!
 Isn't that why you guys are here?
 Chandler: Yes! Well that-yes.
 Monica: Why else would we be here?
 Joey: Well! What happened?! Did we miss it?
 Chandler: We actually missed it.
 Phoebe: Well, maybe you wouldn't have had you (turns to the attendant) run
 in the chapel!
 Monica: This is insane!
 Phoebe: What's the big deal, y'know? It's not like it's a
 real marriage.
 Chandler: What?!
 Phoebe: Yeah, if you get married in Vegas, you're only married in Vegas.
 Monica: What are you talking about? If you get married in Vegas you're
 married everywhere.
 Phoebe: (shocked) Really?!
 Monica: Yeah!
 Phoebe: Oh my God! Eh! Well
 Opening Credits
 (Transciber's note: In case you haven't heard, Courteney Cox got married to
 David Arquette during hiatus and changed her name to Courteney Cox Arquette. But David was
 a busy boy during the off season for not only did he marry but everyone else as well. For
 they're all listed as Jennifer Aniston Arquette, Lisa Kudrow Arquette, in an
 interesting twist Matt LeBlanc Arquette, Matthew Perry Arquette, David Schwimmer Arquette,
 and even the creators of the show are now David Crane Arquette and Marta Kauffman
 Arquette. I just wonder what the new sleeping arrangements are )
 [Scene: Rachel's hotel room, she's waking up with a horrendous hangover.]
 Rachel: Ohhh! (Looks in the mirror and sees that she still has her mustache and
 groans.)
 (Suddenly, there's movement beside her, startling her. It's Ross! He wakes up
 and they both start screaming in terror. Then they both grab their heads having aggravated
 their hangovers.)
 Ross: Why are we in bed together?
 Rachel: I don't know. Do-do you have any clothes on?
 Ross: (checks) Yeah.
 Rachel: Really?!
 Ross: No! But we-we didn't have sex-uh, did we? I mean, I don't
 remember much about last night, it was such a blur.
 Rachel: Oh! I remember laughing! I laughed a lot.
 Ross: And we didn't have sex.
 (Rachel agrees with him and starts to get out of bed.)
 Rachel: Ohh, I mean, we were really drunk. I'm just glad we didn't do
 anything stupid.
 Ross: (getting up) Tell me about it. (He sits up on the edge of the bed and has
 'Just Married' written on his back.)
 [Scene: The breakfast buffet, Phoebe is already sitting at the table as Joey enters.]
 Joey: Mornin' Pheebs. (Sits down.) Well, my movie has officially been
 canceled.
 Phoebe: Oh Joey, I'm so sorry. You want some of my breakfast?
 Joey: Nah, I'm too depressed to eat. I'll probably eat in like 5
 minutes. So I guess I'll just fly home with you guys, what time's your flight?
 Phoebe: What about my cab?
 Joey: I don't need that anymore.
 Phoebe: No, Joey! You borrowed my cab; you have to drive it back.
 Joey: I don't want to drive all the way back by myself, I get so lonely.
 (Gets an idea.) Oh ooh! How about you come with me?
 Phoebe: I don't know, it's such a long trip.
 Joey: It'll be great! We-we could talk, and play games! Huh? This could be
 our chance to like renew our friendship.
 Phoebe: Are you asking me to have a frenaissance?
 Joey: Sure?
 Phoebe: All right. Although I don't think we need one, I never stopped
 loving you.
 (Chandler and Monica enter.)
 Chandler: Hi!
 Joey: Hey.
 Monica: Hey.
 Chandler: So, has anyone talked to Dr. and Mrs. Geller yet?
 Phoebe: Um-hmm, yeah. They left me a message; they should be here any minute.


Joey: Where is the waitress?! I'm starving!
 Chandler: It's a buffet man.
 Joey: Oh, here's where I win all my money back! (Gets up and heads for the
 buffet table with Chandler in tow.)
 Chandler: Listen, I gotta talk to you.
 Joey: Sure! What's up? (He grabs a plate and proceeds to load it with a
 huge pile of scrambled eggs. Chandler just stares at him and Joey reluctantly gives him a
 spoonful.)
 Chandler: Monica and I almost got married last night.
 Joey: Oh my God! That's huge! (Hugs him.) Wait a minute, why come I
 wasn't invited? And who was going to be your best man? Don't say,
 'Ross.' Do not say, 'Ross.'
 Chandler: Look, I just don't think Monica and I are ready to get married
 yet! Y'know? I mean, I love her and everything but seeing Ross and Rachel coming out
 of that chapel was like a, like a wake-up call that Monica and I are moving so fast.
 Y'know? And, how do I tell her without crushing her?
 Joey: Oh! Tell her she's not marriage material.
 Chandler: What?!
 Joey: Girls say it to me all the time! And believe me, if she's anything
 like me, she's just gonna be relieved.
 [Pan to Monica and Phoebe having the same conversation.]
 Monica: How do I tell Chandler that it's too soon. It's gonna break
 his heart, he's not gonna think that I don't love him anymore.
 Phoebe: Well you don't.
 Monica: Yes I do!
 Phoebe: Good! Good! I was just testing you.
 Chandler: (returning with Joey) Hi.
 Monica: Oh hi! Hi! Y'know, we were just talking about bacon.
 Phoebe: No, we were talking about tennis. Tennis is more believable.
 (Ross and Rachel enter.)
 Ross: Hey!
 The Girls: Hey!
 Chandler: Hey!
 (They both sit down and Rachel pours them both some coffee. They're acting like
 nothing's happened and everyone is just staring at them.)
 Ross: What?
 Chandler: Are we gonna talk about what you guys did last night? Or
 Rachel: (To Ross) I don't know. (To the gang.) What do you mean last night?
 Nothing, nothing uh, happened last night.
 Ross: Yeah!
 Phoebe: Uh-huh! Ross invited us all to watch.
 (Rachel turns to Ross stunned.)
 Monica: Rach! We weren't gonna miss our friends getting married!
 Rachel: (gasps) Who got married?! (Ross is as surprised to hear this as she is.)
 Chandler: (not quite sure) You did.
 Ross: What?! Hello! We didn't get married.
 Rachel: No, we didn't get married! That's ridiculous!
 (They turn to look at each other and suddenly remember that they did in fact get
 married.)
 Ross: We-we-we I remember being in a chapel.
 Rachel: Oh my God.
 Ross: I They would not let us get married when we were that drunk!
 Rachel: No!
 Joey: They let you get married when you're drunk! Most people who get
 married in Vegas are drunk!
 Phoebe: Hell, I'm drunk right now! (They all turn and look at her.) What? I
 can't have a mimosa with breakfast?! I'm on vacation!
 Monica: What are you guys gonna do?
 Rachel: Well, I guess we just find a divorce lawyer? (Looks at Ross.)
 Chandler: Well, I think, I think, Ross already has one. Now, this one's
 free, right? Because you paid for the first two, so the third one's free.
 Ross: Laugh it up, but the joke's on you. Because we don't need to get
 divorced, okay? We we're just gonna get an annulment.
 Joey: An annulment? Ross! I don't think surgery's the answer here.
 Phoebe: Oh-oh, that's your thing.
 Ross: What?
 Phoebe: You're thing. You're thing. Y'know? You're the guy
 who gets divorced.
 All: Oh yeah!
 Ross: No-no, that's-that's not my thing! I do not love getting
 divorced!
 Phoebe: Yes you do! This is your third divorce! You love divorce so much
 you're probably gonna marry it! Then it won't work out and you're gonna
 have to divorce it, divorcing guy. (Pause) I'm so drunk.
 [Scene: The casino floor, Chandler and Monica are walking through it.]
 Monica: So, what do you think we should do?
 Chandler: I don't know. But I-I-I know I love you!
 Monica: I know I love you! (They hug.)
 Chandler: So where are we on the whole going back to the place where they have
 all the marriages thing? I love you.
 Monica: That's a good question. Look umm, last night we let the dice
 decide. Maybe we should leave it up to fate again. I love you!
 Chandler: Yes, we don't get married unless there's a sign! Okay, so
 say uh, say you roll another eight (motions to the craps table) then there's a definite
 sign that we should get married.
 Monica: All right, eight we get married, but 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 11, 12 we
 don't get married.
 Chandler: Sounds great.
 Monica: Okay. (They approach the craps table.)
 Croupler: Coming in, we got a shooter! Money please.


Monica: Ready?
 Chandler: Ready!
 Monica: (sarcastic) Come on eight.
 Chandler: (deadpan) Yes, yes eight.
 (Monica rolls the dice.)
 Croupler: Eight! Easy eight. (She rolls a 3 and a 5 and they're stunned.)
 Monica: Wow! I can't believe I actually rolled an eight.
 Chandler: That was so unlikely. Well, let's get married! I guess.
 Monica: Wait a minute. That wasn't a hard eight! Last night I rolled a hard
 eight.
 Chandler: That's right! It was the wrong kind of eight, no wedding! Damnit!
 Monica: I wanted it so bad! (Pause) Wanna go pack?
 Chandler: Yeah. (They go pack.) We're doing the right thing, right?
 Monica: Ohh, of course we are! (They walk up to the elevators.) We left it up to
 fate. (Pushes the elevator button.) If we were supposed to get married there would be a
 clear-cut sign. (The elevator door opens to a priest reading from a bible with Chandler
 and Monica standing side-by-side holding each other's hands.)
 [Scene: Phoebe's cab, Phoebe and Joey are driving back. Phoebe is driving while
 Joey is sleeping.]
 Phoebe: Okay, you have 19 questions left. Use them wisely. (Joey groans.) Come
 on Joey! You can't win if you don't ask any (sees that he's asleep) QUESTIONS!!!
 Joey: (wakes up) What?!
 Phoebe: Well, you promised me a fun road trip! We've been on the road six
 hours and you've been asleep for five and a half! We are switching at the next rest
 stop and you are going to drive all the way back! That will be your punishment, you
 greedy sleeper!
 Joey: All right. All right.
 Phoebe: Yeah! And until then you are going to sing to me because the
 radio's broken and you are selfish but have a nice voice.
 Joey: Really? I don't
 Phoebe: Sing!!
 Joey: (starts singing) I wanna rock and roll all night! (Falls asleep.)
 [Time lapse, Phoebe is asleep, Joey's driving and having a hard time staying
 awake.]
 Joey: (to himself) Man, this is a long drive! Are my eyes open? No! (He opens
 his eyes and sees a hitchhiker.)
 [Time lapse, Phoebe is still asleep only Joey is now passed out next to her and the
 car's still moving. She wakes up, sees Joey, and screams.]
 Hitchhiker: (driving) Morning! (Phoebe screams again.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is on the couch as Ross enters.]
 Ross: Hey!
 Rachel: Hey, hubby!
 Ross: Yeah. Yeah, actually um, I wanted to talk to you about that whole
 annulment thing?
 Rachel: Uh-huh.
 Ross: I'm not going to do that. (Rachel glares at him.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier. Rachel starts laughing.]
 Rachel: Okay! So, we'll just stay married.
 Ross: Yes, exactly!
 Rachel: And I will make everyone call me Mrs. Geller!
 Ross: Wow! This is so amazing. I uh, I really thought I'd have to talk you
 into this more.
 Rachel: Okay, see now I'm scared because I don't actually think
 you're kidding.
 Ross: I'm-I'm not kidding. Look I-I, I can't have three
 failed marriages. I can't. Okay? I-I am not gonna be that guy!
 Rachel: What-wh-what so we'll just stay married forever?!
 Ross: Okay, look, how is this gonna affect you? Really? I mean you fill some
 form out once and a while and instead of checking the box that says Ms you check the box
 that says Mrs.! It's right next to it!
 Rachel: Ohh, okay, I'm sorry. You're right. Y'know what? We
 absolutely can stay married, because I was under the impression that the boxes were far away
 from each other. All right, look, just please, take a moment here and think about what
 you're asking of me.
 Ross: I'm asking you to do me a favor.
 (Note: Does anyone else want to smack Ross right about now? Raise your hands. Okay, put
 them down before you stink out the person next to you.)
 Rachel: You are asking me to be your wife!
 Ross: And as my wife I think you should grant me this favor.
 [Scene: The hallway, Chandler is helping Monica to the door.]
 Monica: That kid really kicked me hard on the plane.
 Chandler: Well you did pull his hair.
 Monica: He took my snack!
 Chandler: I'm not getting into this again!
 Monica: Okay! Oh God, y'know what? It's really bad.
 Chandler: Well, I told you not to walk. Here. (Picks her up.) There. Okay.
 (He opens the door, carries her across the threshold, stops, backs out, and lets go of
 Monica who is only holding on by his neck.)
 Monica: This doesn't mean anything, does it?
 Chandler: No!
 Monica: Okay.
 [Scene: Phoebe's cab, she's driving, Joey's in the back seat, and the
 hitchhiker is riding up front with Phoebe.]
 Phoebe: (To Joey) How could you pick up a hitchhiker?! He could be a
 rape (She holds her hand in front of the hitchhiker's face), a rapist or a
 killer or something!
 Joey: Don't you think I asked him that before he got in?!


Phoebe: Y'know what? I'm not talking to you! You go back to sleep! (To
 the hitchhiker) And you, are you a rapist?!
 Hitchhiker: No!
 Phoebe: Do you like car games?
 Hitchhiker: Yeah, y'know the license plate game?
 Phoebe: I love the license plate game!
 Joey: Ooh, I'll play! I'll play!
 Phoebe: No-No! You need your sleep. Night-night! Shh! (She closes the
 partition.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.]
 Ross: Hey!
 Rachel: Hey!
 Ross: Listen, I know you wanted to talk to me, but I have an idea that may make
 you want to stay married. (Rachel shakes her head.) We register, and you get to
 keep all the presents!
 Rachel: (thinks about it for a second) No! Ross, come on! No! Listen, look I
 thought a lot about how to tell you this and the bottom line, Ross, is we can not stay
 married.
 Ross: I don't know if it's true.
 Rachel: Oh b-b-but it is!
 Ross: Oh, okay, y'know what this is? This is a difference of
 opinion. And when that happens in a marriage...
 Rachel: Oh Ross, come on! This is not, this is not a marriage!! This is the
 world's worst hangover! Ross, listen, if you do not get this annulment, I
 will!
 Ross: All right. All right, I'll do it.
 Rachel: Thank you. (He goes to leave.) Hey-hey umm, uh, is there, is there any
 such thing as an annulment shower?
 (Ross turns and leaves.)
 [Scene: Phoebe's cab, it's the same arrangement as before.]
 Hitchhiker: Wait! Wait! There is the train station!
 Phoebe: Oh, okay.
 Hitchhiker: This is where I get off. Well, I have your address and phone number.
 Phoebe: And I have your name and the fact that you're a drifter, so the
 ball's pretty much in your court.
 Hitchhiker: All right, see ya Pheebs. (Gets out and Phoebe drives away.)
 Joey: Come on Pheebs! I can't take this anymore! Let-let me make it up to
 you. Huh? (Starts singing.) Ground control to Major Tom. Commencing countdown, engines
 on. Take your protein pills and put your helmet on!
 Phoebe: Stop it! Stop it no! That's not fair! Y'know I can't
 resist that beautiful voice!
 Joey: Pheebs, I am so sorry! I know I promised you a fun road trip with your
 friend and I didn't deliver. But-but-but now I know that you think being awake is an
 important part of friendship! So, so, so I will strive to-to stay awake for as long as I
 know you.
 Phoebe: You can still sleep at night and stuff.
 Joey: Well, thank you. So, can we play 20 Questions now? I've got a really
 good one! I've been thinking about it since Kansas.
 Phoebe: Okay. Is it a kind of hot sandwich?
 Joey: Yes.
 Phoebe: Is it a meatball sub?
 Joey: That is incredible! You are the master!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are there and Rachel is arranging a
 bouquet of flowers, pricks her finger on a thorn, throws the bouquet over her head, and
 those you who are quicker than some already know that Monica is the one who catches it.]
 Rachel: Huh, that's funny. You look like you're gonna be the
 Monica: No, don't say it! Don't even think it!
 Rachel: All right. Okay Chandler, enjoy your handful. (Exits.)
 Chandler: All right, should we just, should we just get married? Y'know? I
 mean should we just do it? All the signs are telling us to do it.
 Monica: I'm sick of the signs! It's too fast, I'm happy the way
 things are!
 Chandler: Me too!
 Monica: I don't want things to change! Do you?
 Chandler: No!
 Monica: All right then, then nothing changes! Everything is great! Everything
 stays the same! And you go unpack because it's been three days and it's driving
 me insane!
 Chandler: Jeez, relax! It's not like we're mar-ah-ah!! (Runs out.)
 Chandler: (entering, slowly) Y'know I was thinking, what if I uh, unpack
 here?
 Monica: Then all your stuff would be here.
 Chandler: Well, what if all my stuff was here?
 Monica: Then you'd be going back and forth all the time, I mean it
 doesn't make any sense.
 Chandler: Okay. What if we lived together and you understand what I'm
 saying?
 Monica: Live together? There have been no signs for that.
 Chandler: Me asking is kind of a sign.
 Monica: YES!!!!!!!!
 Chandler: Okay!!!!!
 (And the crowd goes wild! Well, at least the live studio audience.)
 Monica: Yes! Okay! Okay! Wait-wait-wait!
 Chandler: Okay.
 Monica: Here's your key (Gets him one.)
 Chandler: Oh thanks.
 Monica: Here's your key. All right, you have to christen it! Now, go out
 and come back in!
 Chandler: The door hasn't been locked in five years, but okay! (Runs out.)
 Ready?!
 Monica: Ready!
 (He tries, but something happens.)
 Chandler: Okay, a little problem. The key broke in the lock and I can't get
 in!


 The One Where Ross Hugs Rachel
 The One Where Ross Hugs Rachel
 Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, it's the same scene from the end of last week's show.
 Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on the couch as Ross enters.]
 Ross: Hey!
 Rachel: Hey, so did everything go okay with the annulment?
 Ross: Oh, yeah, no problems. It's all taken care of.
 Rachel: Ross, thank you. Hey, do you guys wanna go see a movie?
 Ross: Oh yeah, why not?
 Rachel: Okay, umm, I'm gonna get my sweater. (Walks away.)
 Ross: Okay. (Sits down next to Phoebe.) You uh, you wanna hear something weird?
 Phoebe: Always.
 Ross: I didn't get the annulment.
 Phoebe: What?!
 Ross: We're still married! Don't tell Rachel. See you later. (He gets
 up leaving Phoebe in shock.)
 [Cut to outside Central Perk.]
 Ross: (To Rachel) Hey, do you have any gum?
 Rachel: Oh? Yeah! Sure!
 Phoebe: (running out) Wait! Wait! Hi! Listen, Ross can I just talk to you for
 just a second?
 Rachel: Oh but Phoebe, we're gonna be late for the movie.
 (A cab pulls up.)
 Phoebe: Oh, there's a cab! Taxi!! (The cab stops and she opens the door.)
 Good timing, my God, huh? Here you go. (Pushes Rachel in and closes the door.)
 Rachel: Yeah, we're, we're actually just gonna walk  cause
 it's right up there at the Angelica.
 Phoebe: Oh, the Angelica!! Go! Go! (She bangs on the cab's roof and it
 pulls away.) (To Ross) You didn't get the annulment?!!
 Ross: I know.
 Phoebe: Ross?!
 Ross: Well, I tried! But when I got to my lawyer's office all I could hear
 was, 'Three divorces. Three divorces!' Look, I just don't want my tombstone
 to read, Ross Gellar, Three Divorces.
 Phoebe: Don't be worried about that! Your tombstone can say whatever you
 want it to say! It could say, Ross Geller, Good at Marriage! Y'know? Mine's
 gonna say Phoebe Buffay, Buried Alive.
 Ross: Look, all I know is I-I can't have another failed marriage!
 Phoebe: So okay what? You're gonna be married to a girl who doesn't
 even know about it?! Op, woman! Sorry.
 Ross: Well, okay so, I don't have it all worked out quite yet. Just
 don't say anything to Rachel, please?
 Phoebe: Rachel is one of my closest friends. (Pause) Although, being the only
 one who knows anything about this does makes me feel special. Okay!
 (Rachel's cab backs up.)
 Rachel: (to the driver) Okay, stop-stop! Phoebe?!
 Phoebe: Hey Rach!
 Rachel: What was that?!
 Phoebe: Sorry, mix up. Hey, how was the movie?
 Rachel: I haven't seen it yet!
 Phoebe: Well then you'd better hurry! The Angelica! Go! Go! (Bangs on the
 roof again and off they go.)
 Rachel: Noooooooo!!
 Opening Credits
 (Transciber's note: In case you're wondering, and I know you are. Their names
 are all back to normal. Just in a slightly smaller font than usual to allow Courteney Cox
 Arquette to fit on one line and not be smaller than the rest of their names. Now, on with
 the show )
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are cuddling on the couch.]
 Chandler: Y'know when we move in together, can I get a gumball machine?
 Monica: Of course! Joey wouldn't let you have one?
 Chandler: No. When it comes to sweets, he's surprisingly strict.
 Monica: Hey, have you figured out a way to tell him you're moving out?
 Chandler: No, no, I keep trying, y'know? I can get out, 'Joey, I have
 too ' but then I lose my nerve and I always finish with, ' go to the
 bathroom.' He may think I'm sick.
 Monica: Y'know, I really have to tell Rachel, but I  We just have to
 get it over with! Y'know, the next time we see them we're just gonna tell them.
 Okay? That's it.
 Chandler: Oh, so that's this is gonna work now? You're just gonna
 order me around all the time?
 Monica: Pretty much.
 Chandler: All right.
 Joey: (entering) Hey Monica!
 Monica: Hi!
 Joey: (To Chandler)Hey man, you feeling any better? (Chandler answers him
 with some guttural sounds that only he can make and that no human can transcribe.)
 Monica: Joey, we have something to tell you.
 Joey: Oh my God! You're pregnant!
 Chandler: No-o-o! (To Monica) No? (She nods no.) No-o-o! Look Joey, here's
 the thing, Monica and I have decided to live together, here. So, I'm gonna be moving
 out man.
 Joey: Wow! (Tearing up) Well, uh  Hey! I'm really happy for you guys!
 Congratulations! (Kisses Monica on the cheek) See you later. (Starts for the door on the
 verge of tears as Monica stops him.)
 Monica: Wait! Joey! Joey! Are you okay?!
 Joey: Yeah, I gotta go! I got an acting job. (Turns towards the door, pauses,
 and turns back.) Like you'd believe that. This sucks!
 Chandler: Look, I-I'm just gonna be right across the hall and I promise
 you, the minute Monica and I break up I'm moving right back in with you!


Joey: (To Monica) Okay! Look-look-look, uh, if you're gonna be moving in
 with him I feel it's my responsibility to tell you the truth about him! Okay?
 He's a terrible roommate! Terrible! He uh, forgets to umm  Oh-oh he always, he
 always umm Oh, who am I kidding! He's the best roommate ever! (Hugs Chandler.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch as Monica enters.]
 Monica: Hey Pheebs!
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Monica: Hey, have you seen Rachel?
 Phoebe: No, why?
 Monica: I have some pretty exciting news!
 Phoebe: (gasps) You're pregnant!
 Monica: No! Chandler and I are moving in together!
 Phoebe: Ooh! That's good! Wow! But now if you were pregnant, what would you
 name it? Hint: Phoebe.
 (Ross returns from getting some coffee.)
 Ross: Hey! Hi!
 Monica: Hey!
 Ross: What's up?
 Monica: Well umm, Chandler and I are moving in together.
 Ross: Oh my God. Ohh, my little sister and my best friend shaking up. Oh,
 that's great. That's great. (Kisses and hugs her.)
 Phoebe: Guys, I'm happy too.
 Monica: Okay, come here! (Phoebe joins them in the hug.)
 Phoebe: Wow! Big day huh? People moving in, people getting annulled  (Winks
 at Ross.)
 Monica: Okay, I gotta go find Rachel but umm, if you guys see her could you
 please try to give her some really bad news so that mine doesn't seem so bad?
 (Exits.)
 Ross: Bye.
 Phoebe: Hmm, something bad to tell Rachel  Bad news for Rachel, what could
 that be?!
 Ross: Could ya just, could ya just lay off, please? All right? My life is an
 embarrassment! I should go live under somebody's stairs!
 Phoebe: Ross, it's not that big a deal! So you'll been divorced three
 times, you'll still have a life, you'll go on dates
 Ross: (interrupting) No! No, I won't! I'll be at the bottom of the
 dating barrel now. The only guys below me will be Four Divorce Guy uh, Murderer Guy,
 and-and, Geologists.
 Phoebe: Ross, you're being ridiculous! Okay? You are cute and smart and
 sweet and that is much more important than three stupid divorces!
 Ross: Oh yeah? Have you ever dated anyone who has been divorced three times?
 Phoebe: Y'know that's really fair. Y'know? Most guys who have
 been divorced three times are like 60. Ross, nobody cares about this except you! This-this
 embarrassment thing is all in your head! Here, I'll show you! Come here.
 Ross: What?! Why?
 (She grabs his arm and drags him over to a table where three beautiful women are
 sitting. Now, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that their names are Stephanie,
 Karin, and Meg. Okay, so I looked at the credits. Of course, only Meg is named later on,
 so I'll have to guess who is Stephanie and who is Karin. But, we'll cross that
 bridge when we come to it.)
 Phoebe: (to the girls) Hi! Hi! Listen, my friend Ross is about to be divorced
 for the third time, but wouldn't you date him?
 Ross: And if you wait right here, I'll go get Ross. (Phoebe grabs his arm
 and prevents him from escaping.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is pacing anxiously waiting for Rachel.]
 Chandler: (entering) Hey!
 Monica: Ugh, I thought you were Rachel!
 Chandler: (looking down) What gave me away?
 Monica: I just tell her, I have to get it over with. I told Ross and Phoebe and
 she's the only one left!
 Chandler: Okay, so that's it, everybody knows! It's official,
 we're moving in together. No turning back. Are ya scared? Are ya?
 Monica: No.
 Chandler: Wow that was my scariest voice! You're very brave.
 (They hug as Rachel enters.)
 Rachel: Hey!
 Chandler: Hey.
 Rachel: Ugh, the worse day! Y'know, you think you're making progress
 at work and then your boss calls you Raquel.
 Chandler: Hey listen, for the first four years of my work everybody called me
 Sha-la-lap. (Awkward silence ensues.) Seriously.
 Rachel: I believe you. So, it was right in the middle of a staff meeting so of
 course no one else wants to correct her so everyone else is calling me Raquel! By the end
 of the day, the mailroom guys were calling me Rocky!
 Chandler: Well, I-I still think you're very-very nice and very pretty
 Rachel: What?
 Chandler: (To Monica) All yours babe. (Walks away.)
 Monica: Have a seat. (They sit at the table.) Okay, listen umm, Chandler and I
 are going to live together, here.
 Rachel: Oh my God! That's so great! I'm so happy for you guys!
 Monica: Really?!
 Rachel: And that was so sweet of you to ask! Oh my God, the three of us are
 gonna have such a good time living together!
 Monica: Yes, we are. (Chandler is frantically trying to get Monica to correct
 her.)
 Rachel: And Chandler, you're gonna have to watch those long showers you
 take in the morning because you know Raquel can't be late.


Chandler: Rach
 Monica: Yeah, he's gonna work on that.
 Rachel: Ohh! This is so exciting! Oh God  (Gasps and starts to sing)
 Come and knock on my door
 Monica: (singing) We'll be waiting for you
 (Transciber's note: I'll finish that one for those of you who don't know
 what they're talking about. Where the towels are Hers and Hers and His,
 Three's Company too! Yeah, that's the theme song for Three's Company.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is hosting an impromptu roundtable discussion with
 Stephanie, Karin, and Meg about Ross's three divorces.]
 Ross:  once you know the stories, it's not that bad. First marriage,
 wife's hidden sexuality, not my fault. Second marriage, said the wrong name at the
 altar, a little my fault. Third marriage, well they really shouldn't allow you to get
 married when you're that drunk and have writing all over your face, Nevada's
 fault.
 Phoebe: Okay, so what do you think ladies? Who wouldn't be interested? Who
 wouldn't want to date him?
 Stephanie: Well the divorces don't bother me, I'd date him. But, not
 while he's still married.
 Phoebe: Okay, what about you? (Points to Karin) Wouldn't you want a date?
 Karin: Actually, I'm dating at all anymore. See, I figured out that I was
 only dating guys that were like y'know bad for me, so until I work that out
 Phoebe: (interrupting) Whatever! What about you Meg?
 Meg: Well, I don't care about the divorces either, but I wouldn't date
 him. It's just that he's obviously still in love with this Rachel girl.
 Ross: What?!
 Phoebe: (leaning to him) She said, 'He's obviously still in love with
 this Rachel girl.' (He glares at her.)
 Ross: This is crazy! I mean, yes-yes Rachel is my good friend and I-I have loved
 her in the past, but now, she is just my wife! Phoebe, will you-will you help me
 out here?
 Phoebe: Well, I thought you loved her when you-when you married her.
 Ross: We were drunk! I would've married uh, Joey with that amount of
 alcohol!
 Phoebe: Hey! You could do a lot worse than Joey Tribbiani!!
 Ross: (to the panel) Look, I'm sorry, but you guys are wrong. I just
 don't want to be divorced three times.
 Phoebe: Yes, and now he's using this three divorces reason because he wants
 to stay married to her because he loves her. I must say, 'Well done!' Bravo Meg.
 Ross: (getting up) Okay! Fine! Fine! If-if this is what you think, forget about
 the whole three divorce thing! Okay, I-I'll go to my lawyer's office right now
 and get this marriage annulled! Okay?! Because she means nothing to me! Noth (leans
 down to Meg's ear) Nothing!!
 Meg: Okay now I wouldn't date you because you seem a little creepy.
 Karin: I am so attracted to him right now.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are still debating about how to tell
 Rachel that Chandler's moving in and she's moving out.]
 Chandler: Okay, when are we gonna tell Rachel what is actually gonna happen?
 Monica: Soon! I-I just couldn't before. You saw how upset Joey got! I
 couldn't do that to her, she's my best friend!
 Chandler: Well, Joey's my best friend.
 Monica: I'm not your best friend?
 Chandler: You just said  Of course you're my best friend. Would you
 please tell Rachel though?
 Monica: All right, all right, at least I'm prepared.
 Chandler: Okay. (She grabs a tin of freshly baked cookies) Oh yes. (He reaches
 for one.)
 Monica: (slapping his hand) Hey!
 Chandler: Hey-hey!
 Monica: These aren't for you! Are you upset?
 Chandler: I am now!
 Rachel: (entering) Hey roomie!
 Chandler: Okay, bye! (Exits.)
 Monica: Rach, there's something uh, important I have to tell you.
 Rachel: (gasps) Are you pregnant?!
 Monica: No! But, I'm throwing this shirt away! I think there was a little
 misunderstanding before.
 Rachel: Um-hmm.
 Monica: Umm, when I said that uh, that Chandler and I wanted to umm, live
 together we meant alone together.
 Rachel: (laughs) Oh my God! Oh, that's funny, I can't believe I did
 that.
 Monica: Oh no sweetie, no! This is my fault, I wasn't clear! I'm
 really sorry. And listen, you take as much time as you need to move out okay? There's
 absolutely no rush.
 Rachel: Okay. (Sits back and resumes her reading.)
 Monica: Okay. Don't you want a cookie?
 Rachel: Sure? (Monica hands her one.) Thanks.
 Monica: Maybe, do you need a tissue?
 (Rachel mumbles uh-huh and spits the half-eaten cookie out onto the tissue.)
 Rachel: Monica, where did you get these?!
 Monica: I made them!
 Rachel: Ooh, good God, they're so yummy! (She re-ingests the previously
 expelled cookie matter from the tissue.)
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is packing some books and Joey is watching him.]
 Joey: God, it's gonna so weird like when I come home and you're not
 here. Y'know? No more Joey and Chan's. No more J and C's. 'You wanna
 go over to Joey and Chandler's?' 'Can't, its not there.'


Chandler: Look, I'm just gonna be across the hall, we can still do all the
 same stuff.
 Joey: Yeah but we won't be able to like get up in the middle of the night
 and have those long talks about our feelings and the future.
 Chandler: Not once did we do that.
 Monica: (entering) Hi.
 Chandler: Hey!
 Joey: Hi.
 Monica: So I, I told Rachel it was just gonna be the two of us.
 Chandler: Oh yeah? Well, how'd she take it?
 Monica: Really well. Yeah. Surprisingly well. Yeah, she didn't cry. She
 wasn't angry or sad. (Sits down, slightly disgusted.)
 Chandler: And you're upset because you didn't make your best friend
 cry?
 Monica: I mean, all I'm asking for is just a little emotion! Is that too
 much to ask after six years?! I mean what? Are-are-are Rachel and I not as close as you
 guys?! I mean do we not have as much fun?! Don't I deserve a few tears?!! I mean
 we-we told Joey, he cried his eyes out!
 Joey: Hey! I did not cry my eyes out!! Come on! It's like the end of an
 era! No more J-man and Channie's!!
 Chandler: Okay, I gotta ask, who calls us that?!
 [Scene: Ross's lawyer's office, his name is Russell and has just been told by
 Ross about his current situation.]
 Russell: You got married again.
 Ross: Yes.
 Russell: So that's your second marriage in two years.
 Ross: Yes, second in two years. Third overall.
 Russell: Ross, I have been a divorce attorney for 23 years and never had I so
 much business from one client. Why don't you tell me what happened.
 Ross: Basically, Rachel and I were in Vegas and we got drunk
 Russell: (interrupting) I'm sorry, is this the same Rachel who's name
 you said at the altar in the second marriage?
 Ross: Yes-yes-yes! But, I-I do not love her.
 Russell: Oh, that's better then.
 Ross: This was just a drunken mistake and I need to get it annulled.
 Russell: I see. Have you considered therapy?
 Ross: I think just the annulment for today.
 Russell: There are a couple of forms to fill out.
 Ross: Easy.
 Russell: And we'll need to have witnesses who can testify that you were not
 of uh, sound mind.
 Ross: No problem.
 Russell: And we'll need you and Rachel to testify before a judge.
 Ross: Ooh! There's no way to do this without her?  Cause I kinda all
 ready told her uh, it was, it was already taken care of.
 Russell: Of course you did. Look Ross, you can't get an annulment unless
 you and Rachel are both there.
 Ross: Uh-ha, what about someone who looks like Rachel? (Russell glares at him.)
 I will think about the therapy.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is painting her toe nails as Monica enters.]
 Rachel: Hey!
 Monica: Hey. So um, I was thinking that maybe we should start dividing up our
 stuff.
 Rachel: Okay!
 Monica: Y'know, no point in dragging it out. Dragging out the long
 process of you moving out and us not living together anymore.
 Rachel: Okay.
 Monica: Hey Rach, what about this? (She holds up a chrome 5-point star.) Huh?
 Who-who gets this? See, I don't know if I want it because it might be y'know,
 too many memories!
 Rachel: (grabbing the star) What the hell is that?
 Monica: I don't know. (Picks up a big plate from the coffee table.) Hey,
 Rachel, you want the big plate? I want you to have the big plate.
 Rachel: Wow! Mon, thanks! I love this plate!
 Monica: Something to remember me by!
 Rachel: Mon, honey you're not dying. I'm just moving out. Y'know,
 I mean we're gonna see each other all the time.
 Monica: But still, it's a big change. The end of an era, you might say!
 Rachel: Are you okay? You're not blinking.
 Monica: I'm fine! I just, I'm thinking how much it's an end of
 era.
 Rachel: Oh, all right. But y'know I gotta say, I don't, I don't
 think six years counts as an era.
 Monica: An era is defined as a significant period of time. Now, it was
 significant to me, maybe it wasn't significant to you!
 Rachel: What is the matter with you?!
 Monica: What is the matter with you?!! Why aren't you more upset?!
 Aren't you gonna be sad that we're not gonna be living together anymore?! I mean
 aren't you gonna miss me at all?!
 Rachel: All right, fine, but don't get mad at me. It's-it's just
 a little hard to believe.
 Monica: What's hard to believe?
 Rachel: Well y'know, it's you guys. You-you do this kind of stuff!
 Y'know? I mean, you-you were gonna get married in Vegas and then you backed out! I
 guess I'm not upset because I don't see you guys going through with it. I'm
 sorry.
 Monica: Rachel, it's going to happen. Chandler is gonna move in here.


 The One With Ross's Denial
 The One With Ross's Denial
 Written by: Seth Kurland
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey, Monica, and Phoebe are there as Chandler enters.]
 Chandler: (entering) Hey!
 Phoebe: Hey! Check it out! This is unbelievable! Joey has been holding his
 breath for almost four minutes!
 (We see Joey who has puffed up his cheeks and Chandler nonchalantly reaches down and
 pinches Joey's nose shut. In a few seconds, Joey has to move because he's now
 forced to actually hold his breath.)
 Joey: (To Chandler) Dude! What are yo you trying to kill me?!
 Rachel: (entering from her room) Pheebs, I wanna ask you something.
 Phoebe: Uh-huh, what?
 Rachel: Well since I'm movin' out and-and you're so
 beautiful
 Phoebe: Oh!
 Rachel:  how about I move in with you?
 Phoebe: Well, that would be great but then what do we do about Denise?
 Monica: Who's Denise?
 Phoebe: My roommate.
 Rachel: You have a roommate?!
 Phoebe: Yes, Denise. Denise!
 Joey: Hey, what is with the secrecy Phoebe? Huh? And what about this Denise, is
 she cute?
 Chandler: Pheebs, I don't understand. How can you have a roommate that none
 of us know anything about?
 Phoebe: Maybe because you never listen to anything that I say. I talk about her
 all the time! DENISE!!!!!
 Joey: Hey Rach, listen I was thinkin' uh, I'm gonna have an extra room
 over at my place
 Rachel: Oh, that's true.
 Joey: Yeah, why don't you move in with me? It'll be great! We could
 stay up late, watch movies, and you know about Naked Thursday's right?
 Rachel: Yeah, yeah I think I'm gonna find my own place.
 Chandler: Hey-hey! I thought Naked Thursday's was just our thing man!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is reading a magazine, eating a cookie, and drinking some
 coffee as Phoebe enters.]
 Phoebe: Hey.
 Ross: Hey!
 Phoebe: So, what did Rachel say when you told her you were still married to her?
 Ross: Oh, that. Umm, she took it really well.
 Phoebe: You didn't tell her did you?
 Ross: No.
 Phoebe: Of course not, because you're in love with her.
 Ross: I am not in love with her. She was very upset about having to move out so
 I eh, didn't tell her we were still married because she would only get more upset.
 I-I just comforted her, as a friend.
 Phoebe: What do you mean, comforted her?
 Ross: It's nothing, I just gave her a hug.
 Phoebe: Ah-ha! A classic sign of love, the hug!
 Ross: It's also a sign of friendship.
 Phoebe: Yeah, not in your case Lovey Loverson. (Tries to take a bite out of
 Ross's cookie.)
 Ross: (grabs back his cookie) It was a hug!
 Phoebe: Okay, just tell me this, did you or did you not smell her hair?
 Ross: S-s-smell her hair? What if I did?
 Phoebe: Ninety percent of a women's pheromones come out the top of her
 head! That's why, that's why women are shorter. So that men will fall in love
 when they hug them! (Ross is staring at her dumbfounded.) Oh come on Ross, you're a
 scientist.
 Ross: I was hugging her as a friend. It's not my fault her-her hair got in
 my face, she's got a lot of it and it smells all-all uh coconutty. (Phoebe
 raises her eyebrows.) What?! Oh, that doesn't mean I have feelings for Rachel! Maybe
 it means I have feelings for coconuts!
 Phoebe: (taking his coffee) Okay, whatever you say. But just be careful, all
 right? Rachel's not in the same place you are.
 Ross: (grabbing back his coffee) If the place you are referring too is being in
 love, then she is in the same place as me because I am not in that place!
 Phoebe: Okay, I didn't understand that, but y'know, maybe that's
  cause you were speaking the secret language of love!
 (She goes for his magazine and he grabs it away before she reaches it. But she was only
 using the magazine as a decoy because she grabs his cookie and coffee, takes a bite out of
 the cookie and drinks some of the coffee.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are there as Joey enters.]
 Joey: Hey! (To Chandler) Dude, some guy just called for you.
 Chandler: Who was it?
 Joey: I don't know! How about, 'Thanks for taking the message.'
 Jeez! (Exits.)
 Monica: Okay listen, y'know when you move in Rachel's room is gonna be
 empty, you wanna talk about what we want to do with it?
 Chandler: Sure!
 Monica: Okay, I was thinking we should have a beautiful guest room, right? With
 a mahogany sleigh bed and bedside tables with flowers on them all the time! And we could
 have a roll top desk with comment cards on them so people could say how much they loved
 staying here!! Okay, whatever, I really haven't thought about it that much.


Chandler: Well, I like that idea. Obviously! I was thinking maybe-maybe-maybe it
 could be a game room, y'know? I mean you can buy old arcade games like uh, like Space
 Invaders and Asteroids for $200, the real ones! The big-big ones!
 Monica: No.
 Chandler: Okay so you mean no as in, 'Gee Chandler, what an interesting
 idea. Let's discuss it before we reject it completely.'
 Monica: Oh, I'm sorry. Of course I mean that. Interesting idea, umm, talk
 about it, but no.
 Chandler: So, that's it?
 Monica: I just don't think arcade games go in the beautiful guest room. The
 beautiful guest room is gonna be filled with antiques.
 Chandler: Which is why Asteroids is perfect! It's the oldest game!
 Monica: What do you have against the beautiful guest room?
 Chandler: I don't have anything against the beautiful guest room,
 especially since everybody we know lives about 30 seconds away!
 Monica: Are you mocking me?
 Chandler: No, I'm not mocking you, (in a mocking voice) or you beautiful
 guest room. (Exits.)
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is coming from across the hall.]
 Joey: Hey, what's up?
 Chandler: Nothing, Monica and I had a stupid fight.
 Joey: But you're still moving in together, right? Because my ad came out
 today. (Shows him the paper.)
 Chandler: (reading the ad) 'Wanted. Female roommate, non-smoker,
 non-ugly.' Nice!
 Joey: Yeah? I just figured y'know, after living with you it'd be an
 interesting change of pace to have a female roommate, y'know? Someone I can learn
 from, someone-someone who's different than me. And what's more different than
 me; a guy who's not 19 than say a girl who is 19? Enh? (Points to his head.)
 Not just a hat rack my friend!
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch staring off into space as Rachel enters.]
 Rachel: Pheebs, I have to ask you
 Phoebe: Shhhhhh! I'm swamped right now.
 Rachel: You're just staring into space.
 Phoebe: Umm, I'm trying to move that pencil. (There's a pencil lying
 on the table.)
 Rachel: This one? (Picks it up.)
 Phoebe: It worked!
 Rachel: Pheebs, this whole apartment thing is just a nightmare! Every place I
 can afford comes with a roommate who is a freak. I mean, look at this; (Points to one and
 starts to read it.) 'Wanted. Female roommate, non-smoker, non-ugly.' It's
 just, there is nothing! The city's full!
 Phoebe: Wait, no, look at this! (Points to one.) (Reading) 'Two bedroom,
 two bath, must be non-smoker, Satan worshipers okay ' Oh, yeah, but it's on
 the ground floor.
 Ross: (entering) Hey!
 Rachel: Hey.
 Ross: Rach, uh, you still looking for a place?
 Rachel: Yeah! Why?
 Ross: Okay, there's this guy, Warren, from the museum and he's going
 on a dig for like two years and he's got this great place he needs to sublet. So uh,
 you interested?
 Rachel: That sounds great! I'd love to live at Warren's!! I love
 Warren! Thank you!
 Ross: Don't thank me! If you wanna thank something, thank the volcano that
 erupted thousands of years ago, killing but perfectly preserving an entire civilization.
 (Rachel just looks at him.) Here's Warren's number.
 Rachel: Oh, this is great! I am gonna call him right now! (Jumps up.) Oh, thank
 you!
 (She hugs him and he starts to hug her back but notices the look Phoebe is giving him
 and pushes her away.)
 Ross: Okay, you go grab it!
 Phoebe: I saw it.
 Ross: I don't know what you're talking about.
 Phoebe: Umm, I'm talking about that which you already know but won't
 admit. You love her again; you re-love her!
 Ross: Look, I do not re-love her.
 Phoebe: I can't believe you won't just admit it! (Pause) Okay, just
 promise me that you won't do anything stupid.
 Ross: Look, we're just friends now! Okay? Why would I do anything stupid?
 Rachel: (returning from calling Warren) Ugh!!! Well, the apartment is already
 subletted! I mean, this is just hopeless. I'm never gonna find anything.
 Ross: You can live with me.
 Rachel: What?!
 Phoebe: What?!
 Ross: What?
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]
 Rachel: Oh my God! Are you serious?!
 Ross: Uh-huh. (Phoebe grunts.)
 Rachel: I would love to live with you Ross; that's-that's great! Thank
 you!
 Ross: Well, I'm-I'm just glad I could, y'know, help you out.
 Phoebe: Wow! I'm-I'm so happy for you guys. (To Ross) This is so-so,
 not stupid.
 Rachel: Ross-Ross, you have no idea what this means to me! I mean, I mean I was
 gonna be homeless. You just saved me! You're my hero!
 Ross: Hero, I uh, I don't know well, all right.
 Rachel: Oh, I have to go tell Monica what a wonderful brother she has! (Kisses
 him on the cheek and exits.)
 Ross: Oh please! (He sits down.) (To Phoebe) You're gonna say things now,
 aren't ya?
 Phoebe: No. No, I won't. But I should tell you this, this exact same thing
 happened to my roommate Denise. She moved in with a guy who was secretly married to her
 and he said he didn't love her, but he really did, and it just blew up! And
 that's how she ended up living with me! (Ross looks at her.) (Pause) Okay,
 that's a lie.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is in the kitchen as Chandler enters.]


Chandler: Hi.
 Monica: Hi.
 Chandler: Hi, listen, I'm sorry about before. I don't need to have a
 game room. I mean when I was a kid I only played those games because I couldn't get
 girls, and now I can  em Now, I have you. (Monica glares at him.) Not-not
 that I think that I have you or think of you as property in any sort of way, I see
 women
 Monica: Stop it Chandler. (Chandler is relieved) I'm sorry too.
 Chandler: Really?
 Monica: Yeah! Oh yes!
 Chandler: Ohh.
 Monica: Listen, we don't have to make that a guest room, we can think of
 something to do with the room together.
 Chandler: That's a great idea! We can easily think of a way for us
 both to enjoy the room.
 Monica: Totally!
 (They start thinking.)
 Chandler: We don't have to come up with this now.
 Monica: Oh good.
 Chandler: Hey, y'know what? Why don't we think about changes we can
 make in the living room?
 Monica: Changes?
 Chandler: Yeah, I mean we're gonna have to move around some furniture to
 make room for my chair. (Kisses her and heads into the living room.)
 Monica: You're-you're-you're gonna bring the Barca Lounger over
 here?
 Chandler: Is that a problem?
 Monica: Well, it's a set and they should probably stay together.
 Chandler: Oh, that's cool. Then I'll just bring them both over.
 Monica: See now-now you're taking them away from their home.
 Chandler: Okay, I get it. So, I get nothing! Nothing here is mine! Everything
 here is yours! I'll get up in the morning put on your clothes, and head off to work!
 Monica: Yeah-yeah, y'know what? Yeah, that's it-that's it,
 everything will be mine! Nothing will be yours! That's-that's what I said! Oh
 come on, Chandler! I'm talking about the barca lounger! It just, it doesn't
 match! Where is it gonna go?!
 Chandler: In the game room!
 Monica: Look it is not my fault that your chairs are incredibly ugly!
 Chandler: All right! That's fine! That's fine! I won't bring over
 the chairs! I won't bring anything over! I wouldn't want to ruin the ambiance
 over here at Grandma's place!! (Storms out.)
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is interviewing a potential roommate. And yes,
 she's a female, non-smoker and very non-ugly.]
 Joey: (exiting from Chandler's room with the new roommate) Everything on
 your application looks really good Ohh! Just one last question umm, are you and your
 friends gonna be over here all the time like partying and hanging out?
 The Potential Roommate: Oh don't worry, I'm not really a party girl.
 Joey: Whoa!! Now look, don't be just blurtin' stuff out. I want you to
 really think about your answers. Okay?
 Chandler: (entering) You can call off the roommate search! (To the potential
 roommate) Hi! I'll be living here. (Heads for the bathroom.)
 Joey: Oh don't listen to him, he's just some guy who really wants the
 apartment, but I don't think he's gonna get it.
 Chandler: Why did you take the shower curtain down?
 Joey: That thing was a hazard! (To the potential roommate) I'm very safety
 conscious.
 [Scene: Ross's Apartment, Rachel is entering and Ross is making some room on the
 shelves for his stuff.]
 Rachel: Hey!
 Ross: Hey! Oh listen, I was just clearing some space for your stuff.
 Rachel: Oh thanks, but listen, I was just at Monica's and she and Chandler
 had a big fight and they're not moving in.
 Ross: What do you mean, they're not moving in? They-they're still
 moving in right?
 Rachel: No-no, they just had a big blowout over what to do with my room.
 Ross: What?! Over a stupid room!
 Rachel: Yeah, I feel kinda bad for them, but I'm also really psyched
  cause I don't have to move in here!
 Ross: Oh no, yeah no, that part's great!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering, dragging Chandler, to mediate the
 argument between Chandler and Monica.]
 Ross: What's all this about you guys fighting?! Is this really over a
 room?! I mean, that is so silly!
 Monica: Ross, we can handle this.
 Ross: Well, apparently not, and I can't just stand by and watch two people
 I care about very much be hurt over something that is so silly. I mean, enough of the
 silliness!
 Chandler: Well, why don't you tell her to stop being silly! (Monica mocks
 him and he joins in.)
 Ross: (stopping them) Okay-okay! Two very good points, look I've known you
 both a long time, and I've never seen either of you one/millionth as happy as
 you've been since you've got together. Do you really want to throw that all away
 over a room? That is so silly. Now wh-what is more important, love or silliness?
 Chandler: Well, we are fond of the silliness, but we also have a soft spot for
 the love.
 Monica: Love is the best medicine.
 Chandler: That's laughter.


Monica: Why do you do it?
 Chandler: I don't know.
 Ross: Okay! All right! Now, Chandler you-you wanna live with Monica, right?
 Chandler: Yeah, I do.
 Ross: And Mon, you wanna live with Chandler, don't ya?
 Monica: Yes.
 Ross: (jumping up) Good! A verbal contract is binding in the state of New York!
 (Storms out.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting at the counter waiting for Gunther, yep
 Gunther's back, to refill her coffee.]
 Gunther: So I understand you're looking for a place.
 Rachel: No-no, I'm staying put.
 Gunther: Oh, I was going to offer you my apartment.
 Rachel: Why, where are you going?
 Gunther: I don't know.
 Ross: (entering) Hey Rach!
 Rachel: Hi!
 Ross: You're never gonna believe it uh, Monica and Chandler are moving in
 again. That's great news right I mean for them. Right?
 Rachel: Oh wow.
 Ross: Yeah but, on the bright side, we get to be roommates again.
 Rachel: Yeah. Y'know umm, uh, umm, about that, umm, Ross I really
 appreciate your offer to let me move in and everything, but don't you think it's
 gonna be weird?
 Ross: Wh-why?! Why-why-why would it, why would it be weird?
 Rachel: Well, because of us! Because of our history.
 Ross: No!
 Rachel: No?
 Ross: No! No! It would be weird if we were still in that place, I mean are you
 still in that place?
 Rachel: No! Not at all!
 Ross: Good! Me neither! So it's not a problem. We're just two friends
 who happen to be roommates.
 Rachel: Okay, but Ross, eventually you and I are gonna be dating.
 Ross: Really?! We are?
 Rachel: Yeah! I'm gonna have a boyfriend, you're gonna have a
 girlfriend
 Ross: Ohh! That would be great.
 Rachel: But y'know what, if you think it's gonna be okay we'll
 just work out a system. Y'know, it'll be like college, I'll hang a hanger
 on the door and put a sign, 'Come back later, I'm gettin' lucky.'
 (Laughs.)
 Ross: (laughs as well, but for a different reason) Yeah, I didn't think of
 that.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is once again being dragged in by Ross so he that
 he can try to manipulate the situation so that it's best for Ross, not necessarily
 what's best for Monica and Chandler.]
 Ross: So are you sure about this whole moving in thing?! I mean it's a really
 big step! And-and what's the rush?!
 (They both start laughing at him.)
 Monica: That's very funny!
 Chandler: He's being silly, because he knows that we enjoy the silliness!
 Ross: No, I-I-I'm serious, okay? I mean, think about it. You move in, you
 start fighting over stupid game rooms, next thing y'know you break up!
 Monica: Ross, you were right before, it was just a stupid fight about a room.
 Ross: Okay, there are no stupid fights!! This isn't about the room, this is
 about what the room represents! And unfortunately, this room (Points to Rachel's
 room) could destroy you!!
 Chandler: Yeah, I'm not so worried.
 Monica: Yeah, no, me neither.
 Ross: Fine! It's your life! (Starts to storm out mad about his failed
 attempt at the manipulation of his best friend and sister, but stops and tries one last
 time.) I just don't want to see you guys break up! Which you will do if you
 move in together, (Monica and Chandler just stare at him.) but that's what you want,
 there's nothing I can do. (Opens the door and tries one more time.) DON'T DO
 IT!!!!! (Finally leaves.)
 Monica: You still want to move in together right?
 Chandler: Of course!
 Monica: Ross didn't scare you?
 Chandler: Scared me out of ever wanting to live with him.
 Monica: Come here, I want to show you something!
 Chandler: Okay!
 (They run to the living room where Monica has moved the chair back (Towards the step),
 the coffee table forward (Towards the TV), and taped a square outline on the floor.)
 Chandler: Oh my God! Someone's killed Square Man!
 Monica: This is where I thought the barca lounger could go! You see you could
 see the TV and it's still walking distance to the kitchen.
 Chandler: Oh that's so sweet! I want to show you something too!
 Monica: Okay!
 Chandler: Y'know those big-big uh, road signs that say 'Merge?'
 Monica: Uh-hmm.
 Chandler: Y'know? So I was thinking that we could get one of those signs
 and hang it over our bed. Because, that's you and I together! Merge!
 Monica: Oh my God! I love that!
 Chandler: Really?!
 Monica: Uh, no!!
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing a new song. Yep, the first new Phoebe song of
 season six, Ross, Joey, and Rachel are also there.]
 Phoebe: (singing) I found you in my bed!

 How'd you whined up there?

 You are a mystery!

 Little black curly hair!

 Little black curly hair!

 Little black, little black, little black, little black, little black curly
 hair
 (Applause.)


 The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance
 The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance
 Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is packing her belongings to move to Ross's.
 She's standing in the kitchen.]
 Rachel: So, which of this kitchen stuff is mine?
 Monica: This bottle opener. (She grabs it off of the freezer door.)
 Rachel: And?
 Monica: And it's a magnet!
 Rachel: Look at that!
 Ross: How weird is that? Y'know? You're moving in with me and have the
 one thing I don't have. It's like uh, in a way you-you complete me
 (Phoebe glares at him) kitchen.
 Rachel: What?!
 Ross: (in an Australian accent) You complete me kitchen, matey!
 Phoebe: Ross, I know what you're thinking.
 Ross: What?
 Phoebe: That she's gonna move in with you and maybe then she'll fall
 in love with you and then when she finds out you're already married, she'll just
 be happy. Y'know? You're just, you're very sad.
 Ross: Oh my God! I-I see what this is! You are in love with
 Rachel!
 Phoebe: What?!!
 Ross: Of course! It all adds up! I mean you you're obsessed with her.
 It's always, 'Ross, what are you gonna do about Rachel?' 'Ross,
 why-why are you moving in with Rachel?' 'When are you gonna confess your secret
 marriage to Rachel?' You want her!
 Phoebe: No! (Ross's phone rings.)
 Ross: (answering it) Uh-oh, saved by the bell. (On phone) Hello?
 [Cut to the living room where Monica is helping pack a box.]
 Monica: Hey Rach, aren't these candlesticks (holds up a pair) mine?
 Rachel: No-no, I bought those.
 Monica: Ohh! Yeah, I forgot.
 Rachel: Yeah. (Rachel walks away.)
 Monica: (under her breath) That you're a liar. (Hides the candlesticks in a
 drawer.)
 Ross: (on phone) No-no-no, that's great! I'll be there Monday. And
 thank you again! (Listens) Okay. (Hangs up) (To All) Umm, that was the head of the
 Paleontology department at N uh, Y, uh U!
 Monica: Wow! Uh what, did he uh, say?
 Ross: Well remember that paper I had published last year on sediment flow rate,
 huh? They loved it.
 Rachel: Well, who wouldn't?!
 Ross: I know! Anyway, they asked me to be a guest lecturer! I mean it's
 temporary, but uh, if they like me it could lead to a full time job. How great would that
 look great on a mailbox, huh? 'Professor Geller.'
 Phoebe: Yeah, Professor and Mrs.
 Rachel: And Mrs.?!
 Phoebe: Oh! Yeah, y'know you and Ross are still married.
 Rachel: What?!!
 Phoebe: Just kidding!
 Rachel: Ohh! Oh God! (Laughs her way into the living room.)
 Phoebe: (To Ross) Saved your ass.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are all there as Phoebe enters
 dejectedly.]
 Chandler: Hey!
 Phoebe: Hi.
 Monica: Hey!
 Chandler: Oh, what's the matter?
 Phoebe: Well, you know that psychic I see?
 Chandler: Yeah?
 Phoebe: Well, she told me that I'm gonna die this week, so I'm kinda
 bummed about that.
 Chandler: What?!
 Phoebe: Yeah, and I know you guys don't know a lot about psychic readings,
 but that one is pretty much the worse one you can get.
 Monica: Phoebe that's crazy!
 Joey: I can't believe she would say that too you.
 Rachel: Yeah honey you don't believe her do you?
 Phoebe: I don't she said y'know that I'd have triplets! But
 she also said one of them would be black.
 Chandler: Just out of curiosity did she tell you how you're gonna go?
 Phoebe: No,  cause she didn't tell me I was gonna die until the very
 end of the session, and I was not gonna waste a whole another hour there! I mean I've
 only got a week left, y'know? I've really gotta start living now! (So she
 picks up the latest copy of Car and Driver (a U.S. auto magazine), leans back, and
 starts reading.)
 Ross: (entering) Hey everyone!
 Chandler: Oh hi!
 Ross: Hey uh, well, today's my first lecture and I kinda wanted to try it
 out on you guys, do you, do you mind?
 (They pause to think about it.)
 All: Oh that'd be great. Sure!
 Ross: (he starts reading directly from his cards word for word very quietly)
 'There are three primary theories concerning sediment flow rate. Each of these
 theories can be further subcategorized into two distinct '
 Phoebe: Oh, this is it. This what's gonna kill me.
 Ross: (continuing) ' subcategories. The first of these subcategories
 is '
 Joey: (interrupting him) Uh Ross! Are there uh, are there naked chicks on that
 piece of paper?
 Ross: No! Why?
 Joey: Well, I've just never seen a guy stare so hard at a piece of paper
 that didn't have naked chicks on it.
 Ross: Ohh! Okay! Okay. (Resumes reading word for word from the card) 'There
 are three (pauses and looks at Joey) primary theories concerning sediment flow rate.
 (Pauses and darts his eyes between Chandler and Rachel.) (Rachel starts laughing) Each of
 these theories (glances at Phoebe) can be further subcategorized (glances at Chandler)
 into '


Chandler: Why don't you open with a joke?
 Ross: Open with a joke? It's a university, not a comedy club!
 Chandler: Wait a minute, hold the phone! You're not talking about
 Chuckles University?!
 Ross: (gets up) Okay!
 All: Ohh! We're kidding! Oh, we're kidding!
 Rachel: Ross, hey you know what might make it less boring?
 Ross: Thank you!
 Rachel: Some uh, some visual aides.
 Joey: Oh-ooh-ooh! Y'know what's a good visual aide?
 Ross: Please don't say naked chicks.
 Joey: Why not?!
 Ross: I-I-I don't even know why I bother to talk to you guys about it.
 Y'know what? I'm just gonna do it on my own with no naked chicks.
 Chandler: That's the way I did it  til I was 19.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is playing that string game with the two hands and
 the weird crossing patterns as Chandler enters with the mail.]
 Chandler: Hey.
 Joey: Hey! Any good mail?
 Chandler: Yes, you got something from the Screen Actor's Guild.
 Joey: Ooh, it's probably a residual check, hey can you open it for me,
 I'm kinda .
 Chandler: (opens and reads it) 'Benefits lapsed.'
 Joey: Hmm that's weird. I don't remember being in a move called
 benefits lapsed.
 Chandler: Okay, it's not a check. They're saying your health insurance
 expired because, you didn't work enough last year.
 Joey: Let me see that!
 Chandler: All right.
 Joey: (reads it) Oh, I can't believe this! This sucks! When I had insurance
 I could get hit by a bus or catch on fire, y'know? And it wouldn't matter. Now I
 gotta be careful?!
 Chandler: I'm sorry man, there's never a good time to (pauses) stop
 catching on fire.
 Joey: All right well, I guess I gotta go get a job. I'm gonna go see my
 agent.
 Chandler: Okay, make sure you look both ways before you cross the street.
 Joey: (mocks him, in a whiney voice)  look both ways before you cross the
 street. (Turns and walks headlong into the closed door.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe enters to find Rachel still packing.]
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Rachel: Hey Pheebs, you're still alive! How are you doing?
 Phoebe: Ugh, it's so exhausting waiting for death. Ohh, by the way,
 do you think you could (Groans, hacks, and then freezes with her eyes open and her
 tongue hanging out.)
 Rachel: Pheebs, what-what are you doing?
 Phoebe: I was preparing you for my didn't you think I was dead? Did
 that not come off?
 Rachel: Oh yeah, scared the hell out of me. I thought we'd lost you
 forever. Pheebs, you lie down?
 Phoebe: Yeah, thanks. And listen, can you do me a favor? Could you just umm,
 wake me up in a couple hours, y'know if you can.
 (Phoebe goes and lies down as Rachel opens the drawer Monica hid the candlesticks in
 and as Monica walks out of her room.)
 Rachel: Monica!
 Monica: Hmm? (Rachel holds up the candlesticks.)
 Rachel: Did-did you take these back?
 Monica: No-no, I-I just, I liked them so much that I went out and bought some
 for myself.
 Rachel: Oh yeah, they're really great! Aren't they?
 Monica: I loved them!
 Rachel: Yeah. (Monica walks away) Nice try! (Rachel puts them in a box.)
 Ross: (entering) Hello!
 Monica: Hey!
 Rachel: Hey!
 Monica: How'd the lecture go?
 Ross: It went great! And I didn't need any jokes or naked chicks either!
 Rachel: Wow, that's great Ross, I'm sorry we weren't more
 supportive before.
 Ross: I knew all I had to do was let the material speak for itself.
 Everyone's all, 'Ross you have to be funny and sexy.' Well, I proved them
 wrong! And now, I'm gonna pass the news onto Joey and Chandler.
 Monica: That you're not funny or sexy?
 Ross: That's right!
 [Scene: Estelle Leonard Theatrical Agency, Joey is there to see his agent.]
 Joey: (entering) Hey Estelle, listen
 Estelle: Well! Well! Well! Joey Tribbiani! So you came back huh? They think
 they can do better but they all come crawling back to Estelle!
 Joey: What are you talkin' about? I never left you! You've always been
 my agent!
 Estelle: Really?!
 Joey: Yeah!
 Estelle: Oh well, no harm, no foul.
 Joey: Estelle, you gotta get me some work. I-I lost my health insurance.
 Estelle: All right, first thing we gotta do, damage control.
 Joey: Why?
 Estelle: Well, I think uhh, someone out there may have been bad mouthing you all
 over town.
 Joey: Bastard!
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler enters to find Joey lying in the fetus position
 on the floor.]
 Chandler: Hey!
 Joey: (in obvious pain) Hey! So Estelle lined up a bunch of auditions for me
 tomorrow and I'll have my health insurance back in no time.
 Chandler: That's great, but shouldn't you be on the toilet right now?
 Joey: What?!
 Chandler: What's wrong with you?
 Joey: Nothing! Well, I-I got this blinding pain in my stomach when I was lifting
 weights before, then I uh passed out and uh, haven't been able to stand up since. But
 um, I don't think it's anything serious.