Monica: Oh, did you catch him?!
 Phoebe: Uh-huh.
 Ross: Wh-what did he say?!
 Phoebe: He said, 'Nice to meet you Glenda.' (They stare at her,
 dumbfounded) Well, obviously I couldn't give him my real name?
 Rachel: Why?! Why not?!
 Phoebe: Come on, you saw the way he ran out of here! What do you think? He's
 gonna stick around and talk to the daughter he abandoned!
 Joey: What did you say to him?
 Phoebe: Well, I said, I told him y'know, that I was the executor person of
 Francis' will and that I needed to talk to him so I'm gonna meet him at the coffee house
 later.
 The Pastor: Could everyone please take their seats?
 Phoebe: All right, well, I just can't think about that right now. I just wanna
 say good-bye to my Grandma.
 Rachel: Okay.
 Monica: All right, let's go say good-bye.
 (They put on their glasses and try to find their way to their seats.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, after the funeral, everyone is there.]
 Joey: (entering, with bag) Hey! I'm off to my audition. How do I look?
 Rachel: Ahhh, I think you look great! That bag is gonna get you that
 part.
 Chandler: And a date with a man!
 Joey: Y'know what? Make fun all you want. This is a great bag! Okay? And
 it's as handy as it is becoming. Now, just because you don't understand something, doesn't
 make it wrong. All right? So from now on you guys are gonna have to get used to the fact
 that Joey, (pats the bag) comes with a bag! (Exits.)
 Phoebe: All right, I'd better go too. I have to go talk to my dad.
 Rachel: Ooh, Pheebs, what are you gonna say? Are you gonna tell him who you are?
 Phoebe: Umm, no, not at first 'cause I-I don't want to freak him out
 Ross: Well, but aren't you pissed at him?! I mean this guy abandoned you!
 I gotta tell you if this were me, this guy would be in some serious physical danger!
 (Getting worked up) I mean I-I-I'd walk in there and I'd be like, 'Yo, dad! You and
 me outside right now!' (Calming down.) I kinda scared myself.
 Monica: Well, at least you scared someone.
 Phoebe: Y'know it's funny, you'd think I'd be angry. I mean, you'd think
 I'd wanna rip his tiny little head off. Fortunately, I'm past it.
 Monica: Phoebe, you do seem a little tense. Here, let me help you.
 Phoebe: All right.
 (She goes over and tries to give Phoebe a massage. Phoebe yelps in pain and jumps away
 from her.)
 Phoebe: Oh! Get off!! Ow!! Oh, stop it!! Why?! Why are you doing that to me?!
 Monica: What are you talking about?
 Phoebe: As a masseuse and a human, I'm begging you, never do that to anyone!
 Monica: (indignant) I give good massages! (Ross laughs.) I used to give them to
 Rachel all the time before she got allergic! And-and-and Chandler loves them! Watch! (She
 starts giving Chandler a massage.)
 Phoebe: (seeing the look on Chandler's face) He-he does not like it! He hates
 it! He's in pain!
 Monica: No he's not!
 Chandler: (wincing) Yes, he is!
 Monica: What?!
 Chandler: I'm sorry but, ow-owww-owww!
 Monica: You've been lying to me? I can't believe you'd do that.
 Ross: Well, maybe he just didn't want to hurt your feelings.
 Monica: But the minute we start to lie to each other  (Pauses after she
 realizes what she's saying.) And by 'we' I mean society.
 [Scene: Joey's audition, he is with bag.]
 The Casting Director: Any time you're ready, Joey.
 Joey: (reading from the script) Well, you must be new here. Why don't we get a
 table and I'll buy you a drink.
 The Casting Director: (stopping him) I'm sorry. Could you, could you try it
 without the purse?
 Joey: Yeah, sure. (He takes it off and starts reading.) Well, you must be new
 here. Maybe we should I'm sorry, can I ask you something? (He stops and asks a
 question.)
 The Casting Director: Sure. What?
 Joey: Well, first it's not a purse.
 The Casting Director: Okay, anytime.
 Joey: I mean if-if you're thinking it's a woman's bag, it's not. It's a man's
 bag!
 The Casting Director: Okayyyy! Anddd, go!
 Joey: All right look, let me show you the catalog! (Does so.) See? Huh? It's the
 latest thing! Everyone's got one! Men! Women! Children! Everyone's carrying them!
 The Casting Director: Umm, do you sell these bags?
 Joey: Noooo. No-no-no, these babies sell themselves.
 The Casting Director: Okay! Thank you! That was great!
 Joey: Yeah but I didn't read anything.
 The Casting Director: I think we've seen enough!
 Joey: Okay! All right, I'll see ya. (As he's walking off stage.) (Patting the
 bag.) We got it! We got it!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is poking his head in.]
 Chandler: Hey, is Rachel here?
 Monica: No.


Chandler: (coming all the way in) Listen, I just wanted to apologize about this
 afternoon and the whole massage thing. Y'know? I-I really like 'em.
 Monica: Oh, please, stop! Look, we're supposed to be honest with each other. I-I
 just wish you could tell me just say, 'I don't like your massages.'
 Chandler: (falling into that trap) I don't like your massages.
 Monica: (starting to cry) See? It's no big deal.
 Chandler: Okay, but now see you're crying!
 Monica: I'm not crying about that! I'm crying about something that happened at
 work.
 Chandler: What?
 Monica: (bursting into tears) My boyfriend said he didn't like my massages.
 Chandler: It's okay, you don't have to be the best at everything.
 Monica: Oh my God! You don't know me at all!
 Chandler: Okay, you give the worst massages in the world.
 Monica: I'm crying here!!
 Chandler: Okay, hear me out. Okay? You give the best bad massages. If
 anybody was looking for the best bad massage and they were thinking to themselves,
 'Who's the best of that?' They'd have to go to you.
 Monica: Huh. So you're saying like umm, if there was an award for the best bad
 massage, well who would get that?
 Chandler: Oh, it would be you! You! Monica! And you'd get all the votes!
 Monica: So maybe they could umm, call the award the Monica?
 Chandler: Absolutely!
 Monica: Okay. I suck!
 Chandler: Yeah! (They hug.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Frank Sr. is just arriving.]
 Phoebe: Umm, thank you for meeting with me.
 Frank Sr.: Thank you. All right.
 Phoebe: Come, sit. (He's hesitant.) Sit. (Still hesitating.) Sit! (He sits on
 the arm of the couch.) Umm, all righty, before we get started I just I need you to
 state for the official record that you are in fact Frank Buffay.
 Frank Sr.: Oh yes. Yes, yes, I am, uh-hmm.
 Phoebe: Okay.
 Frank Sr.: So, what did Francis leave me?
 Phoebe: Huh?
 Frank Sr.: Well, that's why you wanted me to come, right?
 Phoebe: Oh yes. Yes. Yeah no. She did. She left you umm, (looking in her
 purse) this lipstick.
 Frank Sr.: Oh. Huh. It's huh, well it's (opens it) oh it's ew used. Umm,
 cool.
 Phoebe: Okay. I have just a few questions to ask so I'm going to get out my
 official forms. (She picks up a couple of crumpled receipts.) Okay, so, question 1) You
 and uh, you were married to Francis' daughter Lilly, is that correct?
 Frank Sr.: Yes, yes I was.
 Phoebe: Okay, umm, question 2) Umm, did that marriage end A. Happily, B. Medium,
 or C. In the total abandonment of her and her two children?
 Frank Sr.: It really says that?!
 Phoebe: Yeah. See? (Quickly shows him.)
 Frank Sr.: Well then I guess then I-I would I would have to say C.
 Phoebe: Hmm, okay, total abandonment. Okay, reasons for abandonment, A.
 Top secret government work, B. Amnesia, or C. Or you're just a selfish, irresponsible bad,
 bad man?
 Frank Sr.: Y'know, I don't think I want the lipstick that much. (Gets up to
 leave.) But umm  Oh, would you do me a favor? And umm, would you, would you give
 Lilly that, please? (Hands her a note.)
 Phoebe: What?!
 Frank Sr.: Well Lilly, when you see Lilly would you give her that, that note?
 Because I wanted to talk to her at the memorial but, well I pictured her getting mad at me
 the way you got mad at me and I well, I chickened out. So, uh, I wrote her that note,
 would you give it to her please?
 Phoebe: But you-you-you came to see Lilly?
 Frank Sr.: Yeah, yeah. Why?
 Phoebe: Lilly's dead. (He looks up in shock.)
 Frank Sr.: She what?!
 Phoebe: She's dead.
 Frank Sr.: Are you sure?
 Phoebe: Well, if she isn't then cremating her was a big mistake.
 Frank Sr.: I can't believe this. I just I can't believe this.
 How-how Oh my God. How long ago?
 Phoebe: 17 years ago.
 Frank Sr.: Oh! What about, what about the girls?
 Phoebe: Well, Ursula is a waitress and-and she lives in Soho. And Phoebe,
 (pause) is on this couch.
 (Silence ensues.)
 Phoebe: Yep, lipstick and a daughter, big day for you!
 Frank Sr.: Phoebe, I-I-I-umm, (Sits down next to her and brushes against her
 leg.) Oops. (He backs up.) I just, I-I-I-I don't, I don't know what to say. I
 just can't believe that you're my daughter, you're so pretty.
 Phoebe: Yes. Well, that's neither here nor there.
 Frank Sr.: So would it, would it make you feel better if I said I was very, very
 sorry that I left?
 Phoebe: Y'know what, it doesn't matter what you say it's not gonna make a
 difference anyway, so you can just go.
 Frank Sr.: All right. Well, y'know in my defense I was a lousy father.
 Phoebe: That's a defense?
 Frank Sr.: Yes. Yes it is. I burned the formula and I put your diapers on
 backwards. I mean, I made up a song to sing you to sleep, but that made you cry even more!


 The One Where Everyone Finds Out
 The One Where Everyone Finds Out
 Written by: Alexa Junge
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is eating some Chinese food.]
 Phoebe: (looking out the window) Oh hey, you guys, look! Ugly Naked Guy is
 putting stuff in boxes!
 (They all run and join her at the window.)
 Rachel: I'd say from the looks of it; our naked buddy is moving.
 Ross: Ironically, most of the boxes seem to be labeled clothes.
 Rachel: Ohh, I'm gonna miss that big old squishy butt.
 Chandler: And we're done with the chicken fried rice.
 Ross: Hey! Hey! If he's moving, maybe I should try to get his place!
 All: Good idea! Yes!
 Ross: It would be so cool to live across from you guys!
 Joey: Hey, yeah! Then we could do that telephone thing! Y'know, you have a can,
 we have a can and it's connected by a string!
 Chandler: Or we can do the actual telephone thing.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Ugly Naked Guy's apartment, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are checking out the
 place. Luckily, Ugly Naked Guy is nowhere to be seen.]
 Ross: Oh my God! I love this apartment! Isn't it perfect?! I can't believe I
 never realized how great it is!
 Rachel: Well that is because your eye immediately goes to the big naked man.
 Phoebe: It's amazing! You better hurry up and fill out an application or I'm
 gonna beat you to it.
 Ross: (laughing) Ohh. (Phoebe takes a couple of steps to the door and Ross
 quickly hurries out.)
 Rachel: Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm gonna go use Ugly Naked
 Guy's bathroom. (Does so.)
 Phoebe: (looking out the window) Oh, look! There's Monica and Chandler! (Starts
 yelling.) Hey! Hey, you guys! Hey! (Chandler and Monica start taking each other's clothes
 off.) Ohh!! Ohh! Ahh-ahhh!!
 Rachel: What?!
 Phoebe: (screaming) Ahhh!! Chandler and Monica!! Chandler and Monica!!
 Rachel: Oh my God!
 Phoebe: CHANDLER AND MONICA!!!!
 Rachel: OH MY GOD!!!
 Phoebe: OH!! MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!!
 Rachel: Phoebe!! Phoebe!! It's okay!! It's okay!!
 Phoebe: NO! THEY'RE DOING IT!!!
 Rachel: I KNOW!! I KNOW!! I KNOW!
 Phoebe: YOU KNOW?!!!
 Rachel: Yes, I know! And Joey knows! But Ross doesn't know so you have to stop
 screaming!!
 Ross: (entering) What's going on?
 Phoebe and Rachel: Ohhh!!!
 Rachel: (trying to divert his attention from the window by jumping up and down)
 HI!! Hi!
 Ross: What?! What?!
 Rachel: Nothing! Oh God, we're just so excited that you want to get this
 apartment!
 Ross: Actually, it looks really good. (Turns towards the window and now Phoebe
 starts jumping to divert his attention.)
 Phoebe: (Screaming incoherently.) Get in here!!! (Motions to join her and
 Rachel.)
 (Ross starts jumping and screaming incoherently and hops over and joins in on the group
 hug.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are there talking about Chandler and Monica.]
 Phoebe: You mean whenever Monica and Chandler where like y'know doing laundry or
 going grocery shopping or Oh! All that time Monica spent on the phone with sad Linda
 from camp!
 Rachel: Uh-huh, doing it. Doing it. Phone doing it.
 Phoebe: Oh! Oh, I can't believe it! I mean I think it's great! For him. She
 might be able to do better.
 Joey: (entering) Hey guys!
 Rachel: Joey! Come here! Come here!
 Joey: What? What?
 Rachel: Phoebe just found out about Monica and Chandler.
 Joey: You mean how they're friends and nothing more? (Glares at Rachel.)
 Rachel: No. Joey, she knows! We were at Ugly Naked Guy's apartment and we
 saw them doing it through the window. (Joey gasps) Actually, we saw them doing it up against
 the window.
 Phoebe: Okay, so now they know that you know and they don't know that Rachel
 knows?
 Joey: Yes, but y'know what? It doesn't matter who knows what. Now, enough of us
 know that we can just tell them that we know! Then all the lying and the secrets would
 finally be over!
 Phoebe: Or, we could not tell them we know and have a little fun of our
 own.
 Rachel: Wh-what do you mean?
 Phoebe: Well y'know every time that they say that like they're doing laundry
 we'll just give them a bunch of laundry to do.
 Rachel: Ohhh, I-I would enjoy that!
 Joey: No-no-no! No-no wait Rach, you know what would even be more fun? Telling
 them.
 Rachel: Ehhh, no, I wanna do Phoebe's thing.
 Joey: I can't take any
 Phoebe: No! You don't have to do anything! Just don't tell them that we know!
 Joey: Noo! I can't take any more secrets! (To Rachel) I've got your secrets.
 I've got their secrets. I got secrets of my own y'know!
 Rachel: You don't have any secrets!
 Joey: Oh yeah? Well, you don't know about Hugsy, my bedtime penguin pal. (Joey
 shies away.)


Rachel: (To Phoebe) So umm, how-how are we gonna mess with them?
 Joey: Ugh.
 Phoebe: Well, you could use your position y'know as the roommate.
 Rachel: Okay.
 Phoebe: And then. I would use y'know the strongest tool at my disposal. My
 sexuality.
 Chandler: (entering) Hello children!
 All: Hey!
 Phoebe: Okay, watch, learn, and don't eat my cookie.
 (She gets up and goes over to Chandler who's ordering some coffee from Gunther.)
 Chandler: Hey.
 Phoebe: Hey! Ooh, wow that jacket looks great on you!
 Chandler: Really?
 Phoebe: (feels his arm) Yeah the material feels so soft hello Mr. Bicep!
 Have you been working out?
 Chandler: Well, I try to y'know, squeeze things. (Phoebe giggles
 uncontrollably.) Are you okay?
 Phoebe: Well, if you really wanna know, I'm Oh! I can't tell you this.
 Chandler: Phoebe, it's me. You can tell me anything.
 Phoebe: Well actually you're the one person I can't tell this too. And the one
 person I want to the most.
 Chandler: What's going on?
 Phoebe: I think it's just y'know that I haven't been with a guy in so long and
 how sometimes you're looking for something and you just don't even see that it's
 right there in front of you sipping coffee Oh no, have I said to much? Well it's just
 something to think about. I know I will.
 (She makes a show of bending over to get her coat and showing off her bum. She then
 walks out, leaving no one to eat her cookie.)
 [Scene: Chandler's bedroom, Chandler and Monica are there, of course. Like who else
 would it be, duh!]
 Monica: You are so cute! How did you get to be so cute?
 Chandler: Well, my Grandfather was Swedish and my Grandmother was actually a
 tiny little bunny.
 Monica: Okay, now you're even cuter!!
 Chandler: Y'know that is a popular opinion today I must say.
 Monica: What?
 Chandler: The weirdest thing happened at the coffee house, I think, I think
 Phoebe was hitting on me.
 Monica: What are you talking about?
 Chandler: I'm telling you I think Phoebe thinks I'm foxy.
 Monica: That's not possible!
 Chandler: Ow!
 Monica: I'm sorry it's just, Phoebe just always thought you were, you were
 charming in a, in a sexless kind of way.
 Chandler: Oh, y'know I-I can't hear that enough.
 Monica: I'm sorry, I think that you just misunderstood her.
 Chandler: No, I didn't misunderstand, okay? She was all over me! She touched my
 bicep for crying out loud!
 Monica: This bicep?
 Chandler: Well it's not flexed right now!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, and Chandler are there. Monica is
 entering from her room.]
 Rachel: Hey Mon, what are you doing now? Wanna come see a movie with us?
 Monica: Uhh, y'know actually I was gonna do some laundry.
 Rachel: Oh.
 Monica: Hey Chandler, wanna do it with me?
 Chandler: Sure, I'll do it with ya.
 Monica: Okay.
 Rachel: Okay great, hold on a sec! (She runs to her room and returns carrying a
 huge bag of laundry.) Oh, here you go! You don't mind do ya? That would really help me out
 a lot! Thanks!
 Monica: I mean I-I don't I think I have enough quarters.
 Phoebe: I have quarters! (She holds up a bag of quarters.)
 Ross: (entering) Hey!
 Rachel: Hey Ross! Any word on the apartment yet?
 Ross: Well, I called over there and it turns out Ugly Naked Guy is subletting it
 himself and he's already had like a hundred applicants.
 Rachel: Oh.
 Ross: No-no, I got the edge. I know it's not exactly ethical but I sent him a
 little bribe to
 tip the scales in my direction. Check it out, you can probably see it from the window.
 (They all head to the window.)
 Monica: Oh, is it that pinball machine with the big bow on it?
 Ross: No.
 Chandler: That new mountain bike?
 Ross: No.
 Monica: Well what did you send?
 Ross: A basket of mini-muffins.
 Phoebe: But there's a whole table of mini-muffin baskets. Which one did you
 send?
 Ross: The small one.
 Rachel: What?! You-you actually thought that basket was gonna get you the
 apartment?
 Ross: Well yeah! Someone sent us a basket at work once and people went crazy
 over those little muffins. It was the best day.
 Chandler: Your work makes me sad.
 Ross: Oh man! I want that place so much!! I was so sure that was gonna work!
 There's twelve bucks I'll never see again! (Exits.)
 Rachel: All right honey, we'd better go if we wanna catch that movie.
 Monica: Bye!
 All: Bye!
 Phoebe: Bye Chandler! (She walks up to him.) (Quietly.) I miss you already. (She
 pinches his butt.)
 Chandler: (after they've left) Okay, did you see that?! With the inappropriate
 and the pinching!!
 Monica: Actually, I did!
 Chandler: Okay, so now do you believe that she's attracted to me?


Monica: Ohhh, oh my God! Oh my God! She knows about us!
 Chandler: Are you serious?
 Monica: Phoebe knows and she's just trying to freak us out! That's the only
 explanation for it!
 Chandler: (a little hurt) Okay but what about y'know my pinchable butt and my
 bulging biceps She knows!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Joey is snoozing with Hugsy, his bedtime penguin
 pal and Chandler and Monica come storming in.]
 Chandler: (entering) Joey!
 (Joey quickly tries to hide Hugsy by throwing it over his head.)
 Joey: Yeah?
 Chandler: Phoebe knows about us!
 Joey: Well I didn't tell them!
 Monica: Them?! Who's them?
 Joey: Uhhh, Phoebe and Joey.
 Monica: Joey!
 Joey: And Rachel. I would've told you but they made me promise not to tell!
 Chandler: Oh man!
 Joey: I'm sorry! But hey, it's over now, right? Because you can tell them that
 you know they know and I can go back to knowing absolutely nothing!
 Monica: Unless
 Joey: No! Not unless! Look this must end now!
 Monica: Oh man, they think they are so slick messing with us! But see
 they don't know that we know that they know! So
 Chandler: Ahh yes, the messers become the messies!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is looking at Ugly Naked Guy's apartment through
 binoculars.]
 Ross: Noooo.
 Rachel: Oh Ross, honey you gotta stop torturing yourself!
 Phoebe: Yeah, why don't you just find another apartment?
 Ross: Look I've already looked at like a thousand apartments this month and none
 of them even compares to that one!
 Rachel: Y'know what you should do?
 Ross: Huh?
 Rachel: You should find out what his hobbies are and then use that to bond with
 him. Yeah! Like if I would strike up a conversation about say umm, sandwiches. Or uh, or
 my underwear.
 Joey: I'm listening.
 Rachel: (To Ross) See?
 Ross: That is a great idea! And! I know Ugly Naked Guy because we've been
 watching him for like five years so that gives me back my edge! Oh, let's see now
 he had the trampoline.
 Phoebe: He broke that.
 Ross: Well, he had gravity boots.
 Rachel: Yeah, he broke those too.
 Joey: So he likes to break stuff.
 Ross: Okay, I've got to go pick up Ben but I-I will figure something out. (He
 opens the door and stops.) Hey, didn't he used to have a cat?
 Phoebe: I wouldn't bring that up, it would probably just bum him out.
 Joey: Yeah, poor cat, never saw that big butt coming.
 Ross: Right. (Exits.)
 (The phone rings and Rachel answers it.)
 Rachel: Hello! (Listens) Oh yeah! Hey! Hold on a second she's right here! (To
 Phoebe) It's Chandler.
 Phoebe: (in a sexy voice) Oh? (Takes the phone from Rachel.) Hello you.
 Chandler: Hello Phoebe, I've been thinking about you all day. (He's holding the
 phone so that Monica can hear it as well.)
 Phoebe: Eh?
 Chandler: Well you know that thing you said before, I'd be lying if I said I
 wasn't intrigued.
 Phoebe: Really?
 Chandler: Yeah, listen, Joey isn't gonna be here tonight so why don't you come
 over and I'll let you uh, feel my bicep. Or maybe more.
 Phoebe: I'll have to get back to you on that. Okay, bye! (Hangs up.) Oh my God!
 He wants me to come over and feel his bicep and more!
 Rachel: Are you kidding?!
 Phoebe: No!
 Rachel: I can not believe he would do that to Mon Whoa! (She stops suddenly
 and slowly turns to point at Joey. Joey is avoiding her eyes.) Joey, do they know that we
 know?
 Joey: No.
 Rachel: Joey!
 Joey: They know you know.
 Rachel: Ugh, I knew it! Oh I cannot believe those two!
 Phoebe: God, they thought they can mess with us! They're trying to mess with
 us?! They don't know that we know they know we know! (Joey just shakes his head.) Joey,
 you can't say anything!
 Joey: I couldn't even if I wanted too.
 [Scene: Outside Ugly Naked Guy's apartment, Ross is knocks on the door and Ugly Naked
 Guy answers it. He's ugly. He's naked. And he's holding a huge jumbo soda.]
 Ross: Good evening, sir. My name is Ross Geller. I'm one of the people who
 applied for the apartment. And I-I realize that the competition is fierce but I'm
 sorry. I, I can't help but notice you're naked and (He claps his hands.) I applaud you.
 Man, I wish I was naked. I mean, this-this looks so great. That is how God intended it.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica and Rachel and Phoebe are planning
 their respective strategies to break the other pairing. Joey is not amused.
 Monica: (in the kitchen with Chandler) Look at them, they're-they're panicked!
 Chandler: Oh yeah, they're totally gonna back down!
 Monica: Oh yeah!
 [Cut to Phoebe and Rachel sitting on the couch.]
 Phoebe: All right. All right! If he wants a date? He's gonna get a date. All
 right, I'm gonna go in.


Rachel: All right. Be sexy.
 Phoebe: (laughs) Please.
 (She saunters over to Chandler with a mean pair of 'Come hither' eyes and she glares at
 Monica.)
 Phoebe: So Chandler, I-I'd love to come by tonight.
 Chandler: (initially worried, but gets over it) Really?
 Phoebe: Oh absolutely. Shall we say, around seven?
 Chandler: Yes.
 Phoebe: Good. I'm really looking forward to you and me having sexual
 intercourse.
 (As she walks away, Chandler mouths a scream to Monica. How motions and mouths,
 'It's okay, it's okay.')
 Joey: (looking out the window) Hey-hey, check it out! Check it out! Ugly Naked
 Guy has a naked friend!
 (They all run over to the window.)
 Rachel: Oh yeah! (She gasps.) Oh my God! That is our friend! (Monica
 covers her face.) It's Naked Ross! (Monica turns and buries her face in Chandler's
 shoulder.)
 All: Yeah, it is! Naked Ross!!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is getting Phoebe ready for her date.]
 Rachel: Show time!
 Phoebe: Okay, Rachel, get me perfume!
 Rachel: Okay! (She runs to get some.)
 Phoebe: And Joey, get me a bottle of wine and glasses? (He begrudgingly does
 so.)
 (In the meantime, Rachel has returned with the perfume and sprays a mist out in front
 of Phoebe who walks through the mist and does a little spin.)
 [Cut to Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Monica is getting Chandler ready for his half of
 the plan.]
 Monica: All right, it'll be great! You just make her think you wanna have sex
 with her! It'll totally freak her out!
 Chandler: Okay, listen, how far am I gonna have to go with her?
 Monica: Relax, she-she's gonna give in way before you do!
 Chandler: How do you know?!
 Monica: Because you're on my team! And my team always wins!
 Chandler: At this?!
 Monica: Just go get some! (Kisses him.) Go! (She runs to hide in the bathroom.)
 [Cut to the hallway, Phoebe is outside getting some last minute instructions from
 Rachel.]
 Rachel: (handing her the wine) Okay honey, now I'm gonna try to listen from
 right here!
 Phoebe: Okay.
 Rachel: Okay? Whoa, wait! (She undoes one button on Phoebe's dress.)
 Phoebe: Good idea!
 Rachel: Yeah, oh wait! (She goes for another one.)
 Phoebe: Oh now, don't give away the farm!
 (Phoebe knocks on the door with the wine and Chandler answers it. Rachel hides next to
 the door.)
 Chandler: Phoebe.
 Phoebe: Chandler.
 Chandler: Come on in.
 Phoebe: I was going too. (They go inside and he closes the door.) Umm, I brought
 some wine. Would you like some?
 Chandler: Sure.
 (She makes a big show out of pulling out the cork and pours the wine.)
 Phoebe: So, here we are. Nervous?
 Chandler: Me? No. You?
 Phoebe: No, I want this to happen.
 Chandler: So do I.
 (They click their glasses and take a sip. That sip turns into a gulp, which quickly
 progresses into their mutual draining of their glasses at once.)
 Chandler: I'm gonna put on some music.
 Phoebe: Maybe, maybe I'll dance for you. (She starts doing a rather suggestive
 and seductive dance that's silly at the same time.)
 Chandler: You look good.
 Phoebe: Thanks! Y'know, that when you say things like that it makes me wanna rip
 that sweater vest right off!
 Chandler: Well, why don't we move this into the bedroom?
 Phoebe: Really?
 Chandler: Oh, do you not want to?
 Phoebe: No. No! It's just y'know first, I wanna take off all my clothes and have
 you rub lotion on me.
 Chandler: (swallowing hard) Well that would be nice. I'll go get the lotion.
 [Cut to the bathroom, Chandler is entering.]
 Chandler: Listen, this is totally getting out of hand! Okay? She wants me to put
 lotion on her!
 Monica: She's bluffing!
 Chandler: Look, she's not backing down! She went like this! (He does a little
 mimic of her dance.)
 [Cut to the hallway where Phoebe is conferring with Rachel.]
 Phoebe: He's not backing down. He went to get lotion.
 Joey: (entering the hall) Oh man! Aren't you guys done yet?! I wanna sit in my
 chair!
 Rachel: Joey look, just look at it this way, the sooner Phoebe breaks Chandler
 the sooner this is all over and out in the open.
 Joey: Ooh!
 Rachel: Okay!
 Joey: I like that! (To Phoebe) Oh, okay! Show him your bra! He's afraid of bras!
 Can't work 'em! (He swiftly rips open the front of Phoebe's dress revealing her bra.)
 Phoebe: Joey! (Examining the dress.) Wow, you didn't rip off any buttons.
 Joey: It's not my first time.
 [Cut to the bathroom.]
 Monica: You go back out there and you seduce her till she cracks!
 Chandler: Okay, give me a second! (Pause) Did you clean up in here?
 Monica: Of course.
 [Cut back to the living room. Chandler slowly exits the bathroom and gets pushed from
 behind by Monica and sees Phoebe closing the apartment door.)


 The One With The Girl Who Hits Joey
 The One With The Girl Who Hits Joey
 Written by: Adam Chase
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: The hallway, Ross is running up the stairs. Note: This show continues where the
 last one left off.]
 Ross: Chandler!!! Chandler!!! (He opens the door to the apartment but is stopped
 by the chain; Chandler and Monica quickly stop making out and try to get dressed.)
 Chandler, I saw what you were doing through the window! Chandler, I saw what you were
 doing to my sister! Now get out here!
 Chandler: (To Monica) Wow! Listen, we had a good run. What was it? Four? Five
 months? I mean, that's more than most people have in a lifetime! So, good-bye, take care,
 bye-bye then! (He kisses her and starts to climb out the balcony window.)
 Monica: What are you doing?!
 Chandler: Oh, I'm going on the lamb.
 Monica: Come on Chandler, come on, I can handle Ross. (They go to the door. Ross
 is trying to stick his hand through and undo the chain; Monica pushes his hand back.) (To
 Ross) Hold on! (She opens the door.) Hey Ross. What's up bro?
 (Ross spots Chandler and starts chasing him around the kitchen table. Chandler runs and
 hides behind Monica.)
 Ross: What the hell are doing?!!
 Rachel: (running from the guy's apartment with Joey in tow) Hey, what's-what's
 going on?!
 Chandler: Well, I think, I think Ross knows about me and Monica.
 Joey: (panicking) Dude! He's right there!
 Ross: (To Chandler) I thought you were my best friend, this is my sister! My
 best friend and my sister! I-I cannot believe this!
 Chandler: Look, we're not just messing around! I love her. Okay, I'm in love
 with her.
 Monica: I'm so sorry that you had to find out this way. I'm sorry, but it's
 true, I love him too.
 (There's a brief pause.)
 Ross: (happily) My best friend and my sister! I cannot believe this. (He hugs
 them both.) (To Joey and Rachel) You guys probably wanna get some hugs in too, huh? Big
 news!
 Rachel: Awww, no, it's okay, we've actually known for a while.
 (There's another pause as Ross gets angry again.)
 Ross: What? What? What?! You guys knew? (Joey and Rachel backup against the
 door.) You all knew and you didn't tell me?!!
 Rachel: Well, Ross, we were worried about you. We didn't know how you were going
 to react.
 (Pause.)
 Ross: (happily again) You were worried about me? You didn't know how I was going
 to react? (He hugs them both.)
 Joey: Okay, all right, whew! What do you say we all clear out of here and let
 these two lovebirds get back down to business? (Ross turns and glares at him.)
 Hey-hey-hey, I-I-I'm just talking here, he-he's the one doing your sister.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]
 Ross: Hey, you know what I just realized? If you guys ever have kids
 Chandler: (interrupting) Whoa-whoa-whoa! We're having kids?!
 Joey: (quickly) I call Godfather!
 Ross: You can't just call Godfather. Don't you think her brother should
 be Godfather?
 Joey: Sure, if you cared enough to call it first.
 Monica: Guys, you're a few steps ahead of us.
 Chandler: Yeah, big zero gravity moon steps.
 Rachel: Oh! Oh, I just thought of the greatest wedding gift to get you.
 Phoebe: Ooh, I'll go in on that with you! I couldn't think of anything.
 Rachel: Okay.
 (A girl enters.)
 Joey: (to her) Oh, hey Katie! Everyone, this is Katie.
 Katie: Hi!
 All: Hi!
 Joey: So, are you ready to go?
 Katie: Yeah, I just gotta run to the bathroom.
 Joey: Oh sure, right back there. (Points.)
 Katie: Hey, where are we going to lunch?
 Joey: I was thinking Chinese food.
 Katie: Ohh, I love Chinese! How did you know I love Chinese?! (She hits
 him repeatedly as she says that.)
 (She heads to the bathroom and Joey sits back down.)
 Rachel: She is so cute! You could fit her right in your little pocket!
 Joey: I don't know. I mean I like her a lot, and she's really nice, but
 Monica: But what?
 Joey: (shyly) She keeps punching me.
 (They all laugh.)
 Monica: In that cute, little, sweet way she just did?
 Joey: Hey, it's a lot harder than it looks! Okay? (Quietly) She-she-she's
 hurting me.
 Monica: I know what you need, you need a bodyguard. Hey Ross, what is Ben doing
 after preschool?
 Chandler: Hey listen, come on, Joey is having a problem! A little girl is
 beating him up.
 Rachel: Aww, Joey, come here. (She takes his hand.) Look honey, I know this must
 be really, really difficult for you and I--Oh, I'm sorry. Am I hurting you?
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, he's unpacking after moving in. There's a knock on the door
 and he answers it.]
 Ross: (opens it to reveal Phoebe) Hey!


Phoebe: Hey! I brought you some house warming gifts.
 Ross: Aww.
 Phoebe: Yeah. Salt, so your life always has flavor.
 Ross: Huh.
 Phoebe: Bread, so you never go hungry.
 Ross: Ohh.
 Phoebe: And a scented candle for the bathroom, because well, y'know.
 Ross: Thanks. Thanks. And thanks again.
 Phoebe: Yeah!
 (The door across the hall opens and a guy walks into Ross's apartment.)
 Guy: Hi!
 Ross: Hi!
 Guy: Welcome to the building. I'm uh, Steve Sarah; I'm president of the tenants
 committee.
 Ross: Oh hi! Ross Geller. And this is my friend Phoebe.
 Steve: Oh hi Phoebe.
 Phoebe: Mr. President.
 Steve: I came to talk to you about Howard.
 Ross: Howard?
 Steve: Yeah, he's the handy man. He's gonna be retiring next week and everyone
 who lives here is kicking in a 100 bucks as a thank you for all the hard work type of
 thing.
 Ross: Oh that's nice.
 Steve: Yeah. So, do you want to give a check? Or
 Ross: Oh. Uhh
 Steve: Oh look, you don't have to give it too me right now! You can slip it
 under my door. (Points to his apartment across the hall.)
 Ross: No-no, it's not that, it's just  I-I just moved in.
 Steve: Well, the guy's worked here for 25 years.
 Ross: Yes, but I've lived here for 25 minutes.
 Steve: Oh, okay, I get it. (Starts to leave.)
 Ross: No wait, look. Look! I'm sorry, it's just I've never even met
 Howard. I-I mean I don't know Howard.
 Steve: Howard's the handy man!
 Ross: Yes but too me he's just, man.
 Steve: Okay, fine, whatever. Welcome to the building. (Exits.)
 Ross: (To Phoebe) Ugh, can you believe that guy!
 Phoebe: Yeah. I really like his glasses.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is lamenting to Chandler and Rachel about his
 troubles in his new building.]
 Ross:  so then President Steve told everyone that I was a cheapskate, and
 now the whole building hates me! A little kid spit on my knee! Y'know what I'm gonna do?
 I'm gonna throw a party. That's right. For everyone in the building, and I'm gonna sit
 them down and explain to them, I am not a bad guy. I am not a cheap guy! I'm just a guy
 who-who stands up for what he believes in. A man with principles.
 Chandler: (To Rachel) Sounds like a fun party.
 Rachel: Hmm. Look, Ross, if you want your neighbors to like you, why don't you
 just pay the hundred bucks? The party's gonna cost you way more than that.
 Ross: It doesn't matter! It's my principles! We're talking about my principles!
 Rachel: Okay, I thought it was about your neighbors liking you.
 Ross: Oh, they'll like me. Once they come to my awesome PAR-TAY! Okay, I gotta
 run. I gotta go get some nametags. (Exits.)
 Rachel: And that crazy party animal will be your brother-in-law.
 Chandler: Very, very funny, but don't say things like that in front of Monica. I
 don't want you putting any ideas in her head.
 Rachel: Umm, Chandler, you do realize that those ideas are probably
 already in Monica's head.
 Chandler: Wh-wh-why?!
 Rachel: Well, because she loves you and because you love her.
 Chandler: Yeah, so, what's that supposed to mean?!
 Rachel: Hey, Chandler, don't freak out! I'm telling you something you already
 know! Come on, she broke up with Richard because he didn't want to have babies. And she's
 a woman, and she's almost 30, and y'know it's Monica.
 Chandler: I don't see it that way. Okay? Because, I see two Monicas, the one
 that was my friend, who lived across the hall, and wanted to have a lot of babies and then
 the new Monica, who I just started to date. Now, who's to say what she wants?!
 I'm right. I'm right. Am I right?
 Rachel: No, you're right, you are absolutely right. I mean that makes, that
 makes everything different.
 Chandler: Okay. It's not different at all, is it?
 Rachel: Not unless different means the same.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is sitting on the couch with Katie.]
 Katie: You were so funny with that waiter! You're such a nut! (She slaps her
 thighs, Joey jerks, and spills some of his coffee.)
 Joey: (sets the coffee down) Y'know, breadstick fangs are always funny.
 Katie: No, you make them funny. You're the funny one! (She punches him again and
 he retreats to the arm of the couch.)
 Joey: Uhh, look Katie, uh listen, we-we need to talk. Okay? Umm, look I like
 you. I-I really do, I like you a lot. Okay? But sometimes when you, when you playfully
 punch me like that it-it feels like someone's hitting me with a very tiny but very real
 bat.
 Katie: Aww, like I could hurt you. Are you making fun of my size? Don't make fun
 of me because of my size! (She punches him again and almost knocks him off the arm of the
 couch.)
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Monica are curled up on one of the chairs.]


Monica: Isn't this great?
 Chandler: Hmm.
 Monica: Couldn't you just stay like this forever? (His eyes snap open.)
 Chandler! Couldn't you just stay here forever?
 Chandler: Yeah, here, somewhere else, y'know where-where ever. (Gets up.)
 Monica: Are you okay?
 Chandler: Yeah, I'm cool. Casual.
 Monica: What-what are you doing?
 Chandler: I'm just hanging out. Y'know, having fun. Y'know with the girl that
 I'm seeing casually.
 Monica: Man, I knew it! I knew you were going to do this!!
 Chandler: What?!
 Monica: Get all freaked out because everybody was talking and just joking around
 about marriage and stuff.
 Chandler: Well, you do want all that stuff, right?
 Monica: Oh and you know what I want!
 Chandler: Yes! You want babies! You have baby fever!
 Monica: I do not have baby fever!
 Chandler: Oh please, you are obsessed with babies and-and marriage and
 everything that's related to babies and-and marriage! I've got an idea, why don't we turn
 down the heat on this pressure cooker?!
 Monica: Have you lost your mind? Chandler, this isn't about me! This is about
 you and all your weird relationship commitment crap!
 Chandler: Nah-uh! I know you! Okay? I know the thoughts that you have in the
 head--in your head!
 Monica: You don't know everything. Did you know that I'm going out with Rachel
 tonight instead of you? Hmm? And did you know that the only baby around here is you?! And
 did you know that I can't even look at you right now?! (She storms out.)
 Chandler: Well, I did not know that.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is getting advice from Ross and Joey.]
 Chandler: It's gonna be okay, right? I mean she's not gonna leave me? This is,
 this is fixable.
 Ross and Joey: Oh yeah, yeah, sure. Absolutely.
 Chandler: By me?
 Ross: Oh, no!
 Joey: No-no.
 Ross: Well, unless you make some kind of big gesture.
 Joey: Yeah, big!
 (Monica enters.)
 Joey: Uh-oh, shht! The Misses.
 Monica: Gunther, can I get a coffee (Looks at Chandler) to go?
 Chandler: Monica. (Goes to talk to her.)
 Monica: I'm still not done not wanting to talk to you.
 Chandler: Just tell me what I need to do to make things right.
 Monica: What?!
 Chandler: Well, that's what we do. Y'know, I-I mess up and then you tell me how
 to fix it and then I do and then y'know you think I'm all cute again.
 Monica: Really? I'm really tired of being your relationship tutor. You're gonna
 have to figure this one for yourself. All right? Y'know what? If you're too afraid to be
 in a real relationship, then don't be in one. (She walks out.)
 (Chandler turns to watch her go and then sees Ross and Joey both with huge grimaces on
 their faces.)
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, he's having his party, only he's the only guest. He gets up
 and puts on a nametag that says Ross, but doesn't quite like it. So he takes it off and
 puts on one that says Dr. Geller and he puts the Ross one underneath the Dr. Geller one.
 Then as he turns off the music, we hear the party for Howard raging in the apartment
 across the hall.]
 Party Guests: (chanting) Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! (Ross goes to investigate
 the noise) Howard! Howard! Howard! (They're holding Howard above their heads.) Howard!
 Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! (He sees Phoebe chanting along with them.) Howard! Howard!
 Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Yay!!
 Ross: Phoebe! (He grabs her arm to get her attention.)
 Phoebe: Oh, hi Ross!
 Ross: What are you doing?
 Phoebe: Oh, I thought this was your party and it turns out it's a party for
 Howard. He's just the sweetest little man! (A guest walks up to her.)
 Guest #1: See ya Phoebe! Oh and hey, thanks for chipping in!
 Ross: You chipped in?!
 Phoebe: Yeah, uh-huh, a 100 dollars.
 Ross: Phoebe! I can't believe you gave them money! I thought you agreed it was
 totally unreasonable that they asked me for that money!
 Phoebe: Yeah, but they didn't ask me! Y'know? This way I'm just y'know, the
 exotic, generous stranger. That's always fun to be.
 Ross: Yeah, but you're making me look bad!
 Phoebe: No I'm not. No! If anything I'm making you look better! They'll see you
 talking to me and that's--I'm a hit!
 Steve: (walking up) Oh hey, Pheebs!
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Steve: Oh hey, Ross. Umm, see, I was thinking maybe you two could switch
 apartments because Phoebe's more our kind of people. Something to think about. (Walks
 away.)
 (Ross turns and glares at Phoebe.)
 Phoebe: Yeah, okay, my bad.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is getting some coffee as Joey enters. He's looking a
 little puffy, but that's probably from the large number of different color sweaters he's
 wearing.]
 Joey: Hey!
 Rachel: Hi! Wow! You look, you look big.
 Joey: Thanks! I've been working out. Hey listen, is it obvious that I'm wearing
 six sweaters?


Rachel: Uhhh, yeah. But it's not obvious why.
 Joey: Well look, I'm breaking up with Katie so I had to put on some extra
 padding. Y'know? I mean, if she hits me when she's happy, can you imagine how hard she's
 gonna hit me when I tell her I'm taking away the Joey love?
 Katie: (entering) Hi!
 Joey: Hey! Hiya!
 Rachel: Hey! Hey, cute jacket!
 Katie: Oh, thanks! That's so sweet! (She punches Rachel like she punched Joey.)
 Rachel: Oh! Ow! (Joey motions, 'You see what I mean?!')
 Katie: Oh, ow! Did Joey tell you to say that? You guys, (Punches Joey) are too
 much! (Punches Rachel.)
 Rachel: Whoa! (Laughs) Y'know what Katie? I gotta tell ya I-I-I-I think you are
 the one who is too much. (She punches Katie back.)
 Katie: Ohh, Joey has the nicest friends! (She punches Rachel.)
 Rachel: Ohh, and the nicest girlfriend! (She retaliates.)
 Katie: You're so sweet! (Punches Rachel yet again.)
 Rachel: Ohh, you're so sweet! (She kicks Katie in the shin.)
 Katie: Oww!!!! Joey, she just kicked me.
 Joey: Huh.
 Katie: Well? Aren't you gonna do something?
 Joey: Uhh .
 Katie: You'd better do something, or I'm gonna walk out that door right now!
 Well? Are you gonna?
 Joey: Nah.
 (She looks at Rachel and storms out. After she's left Joey hugs Rachel in thanks.)
 [Scene: Howard's party, Phoebe is talking Ross up to two more partygoers. Ross isn't
 happy about it.]
 Ross: (trying to get her attention) Phoebe?
 Phoebe: (ignoring him and continuing her conversation) That's what I'm saying.
 (Laughs.)
 Ross: (tapping her on the shoulder) Phoebe? Phoebe?
 Phoebe: Ooh. (Turns to him.)
 Ross: Look, this is a disaster! Can't I please just go?
 Phoebe: No! No! I'm talking you up to people. Just give it a little time, all
 right? Relax, get something to eat! Okay?
 (They go to the food table.)
 Ross: So uh, what did you tell them about me?
 Phoebe: Oh, I was telling them about you and Emily. Y'know, try to get some
 sympathy.
 Ross: Ohh. (He cuts himself a piece of cake.)
 Phoebe: But somehow you came off as the bad guy.
 Ross: What?!
 Phoebe: Yeah, I think I told it wrong. Y'know, we should talk about that because
 I don't totally understand what happened there.
 Ross: (trying a piece of cake) Ohh, this cake is really good!
 Phoebe: Oh, okay, see? Things are looking up already!
 Guest #2: (sees the cake) Oh my God! Someone cut Howard's cake! (Ross tries
 dumping it into a nearby plant.) Who would do a think like that?
 (Steve goes over to look at Ross who's trying to look cool, but has some frosting on
 his lip.)
 Steve: 3-B!
 All: Oh yeah, aww!
 Steve: Okay, you got your free food! You ruined everyone's fun! Don't you think
 it's time you went home?!
 Guest #3: Yeah, leave!
 All: Yeah, get out! Now!
 Steve: Go back to 3-B, 3-B!
 Phoebe: All right, everyone calm down! Everyone calm down! I have something that
 I would like to say! Who here likes Ross? (Ross is the only one who raises his hand and
 Phoebe glares at him to put his hand back down.) Of course you don't like him! He-he
 didn't give you any money, he raised his own hand when I asked, 'Who hear likes
 Ross,' and he's wearing two nametags! (He takes one off.) I-I'll be honest with you
 guys, when I first met Ross I didn't like him at all! But then once I got to know him I
 saw that he's really sweet and caring and very generous. I mean, all I'm saying is
 don't judge Ross before you get to know him all right? I mean, I like all you guys now,
 but when I first meet you y'know Kurt, I thought, y'know abrasive drunk, umm Lola, mind
 numbingly stupid! And okay, you guys (She turns to an elderly gentleman and a 20 something
 woman, who're a couple.) (To the girl) Gold-digger, (To the old guy) cradle robbing perv!
 So, I think you all know what I mean.
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross and Phoebe have been banished to Ross's place.]
 Phoebe: Obviously I didn't think they were gonna start throwing things. I just
 thought if I kept insulting everyone, you would jump in and defend everyone and then you
 could look like the hero.
 Ross: Oh wow, yeah! See, I did not get that.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler comes running in. Everyone else is already
 there.]
 Chandler: Where's Monica?! Where is she? I need to talk to her! It's urgent! Is
 she here?
 Monica: (raising her hand) I'm Monica.
 Chandler: I need to talk to you, it's urgent!
 Monica: Okay.
 Chandler: Okay, I've been doing a lot of thinking about us, y'know a lot of uhh,
 us thinking. And uh, well I guess there's only one-one way to do this. (He slowly and
 awkwardly gets down on one knee.)


 The One With A Cop
 The One With A Cop
 Story by: Alicia Sky Varinaitis
 Teleplay by: Gigi McCreery & Perry Rein
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Monica and Chandler are sitting on one of the chairs doing
 a crossword puzzle.]
 Joey: Hey!
 Chandler: Hey!
 Monica: Hey!
 Joey: What are you guys doing up?
 Chandler: Oh, we wanted to finish the crossword before we went to bed. Hey, do
 you know a six-letter word for red?
 Joey: (thinks) Dark red.
 Chandler: Yeah, I think that's wrong, but there's a Connect the Dots in here for
 you later. (To Monica) Hey, how about maroon?
 Monica: (checks to see if it works) Yes, you are so smart! (Kisses him.)
 Joey: Aww, you guys are so cute!
 Monica: I know.
 Joey: All right, I'll see you in the morning.
 Chandler and Monica: Okay.
 [Scene: Joey's bedroom, time lapse. He's asleep and dreaming. In his dream he's doing
 the crossword puzzle with wait for it Monica!]
 Dream Monica: Y'know, I love doing crossword puzzles with you honey!
 Dream Joey: Aww, me too. Now let's finish this and go to bed.
 Dream Monica: Okay! There's only one left, three letter word, not dog
 but
 Dream Joey: Cat.
 Dream Monica: Yes! You are so smart! (Kisses him.) I love you.
 Dream Joey: I love you too.
 (They hug.)
 [Cut back to Joey in bed, he's smiling, enjoying the dream as he wakes up. Suddenly, he
 realized what he was dreaming about and bolts upright in bed.]
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there but Ross and Joey. Gunther hands them the bill,
 and Chandler gives some money to pay it.]
 Rachel: (looking at the bill) Uhh, we still need a tip.
 Phoebe: All right. Hold on. (She starts digging in the chair.) I got it. Nickel!
 (Donates it.) How much more do we need?
 Rachel: A couple of bucks.
 Phoebe: Okay, dime! (Donates that.) You guys should probably keep talking; this
 could take a while. (Finds something else.) Oh no, wait! Look it! Whoa! (Looks at it.) Oh
 my God, this is a police badge!
 Monica: Wow!
 Chandler: Oh that's so cool! Why would a cop come in here though? They don't
 serve donuts. (No one laughs.) Y'know what actually, could you discover the badge again? I
 think I can come up with something better than that.
 Rachel: Phoebe, I bet somebody's missing that badge.
 Phoebe: Yeah, I should probably take it back. Ooh, but you know what? While I'm
 at the police station, I could check their Ten Most Wanted lists because my friend Fritzy
 has been like number 11 forever, so this could be her year! (She crosses her fingers in
 hope.)
 Joey: (entering) Hey, you guys!
 Chandler: Hey!
 Rachel: Hey Joey!
 Monica: Hey.
 Joey: (To Monica) Hey. That uh, that my sweatshirt?
 Monica: Oh yes, it is. I'm sorry I borrowed it, I was cold. I hope its okay?
 Joey: Well uh, it's just that uh, y'know if-if you're gonna be wearing someone's
 sweatshirt shouldn't it be your boyfriends--and I'm not him.
 Monica: I'm sorry, I'll give it back to you.
 Joey: No-no! No! I mean it's gonna be all smelling like Monica!
 Monica: Are you saying I smell bad?
 Joey: No! No, you smell like a meadow. (Pause.) I'm sorry. (Runs to the
 bathroom.)
 Monica: What's with him?
 Chandler: Oh, y'know what? The last time Joey went to a meadow, his mother was
 shot by a hunter.
 [Scene: A couch store, Ross is trying to decide on a new couch for his place. He has
 dragged Rachel along for the trip, and she's not too happy about it. Ross is sitting on it
 in different ways to see how it feels. He tries to just sit on it normally, and then he
 tries flopping on it. One thing about this couch, it's huge. It's like twice the size of a
 normal full size couch. Whoever designed this thing, needs help and fast.]
 Rachel: (disgusted at Ross's antics) Ugh!
 Ross: (To Rachel) Yeah, I still don't know. (To the salesman who is hovering
 nearby) I'm sorry I just wanna make sure that I bought the right couch. I need a couch
 that says, 'Kids welcome here.' But that also says, (In a sexy voice) 'Come
 here to me!'
 Rachel: What?! You say that to kids?!!
 Ross: No! No! No! The 'Come here to me' is y'know for the ladies.
 Rachel: Ross, honey, it's a nice couch. It's not a magic couch.
 The Salesman: You picked a great couch.
 Ross: Yeah?
 The Salesman: Yeah. Could you just sign right here please? (Hands him a
 clipboard.)
 Ross: Oh, sure. Whoa-whoa, what's this? The delivery charge is almost as much as
 the couch!
 Rachel: Wait! No, that's ridiculous. Come on, he lives three blocks away!
 Ross: Yeah, y'know what? I'll take it myself, thank you! (He signs the form and
 hands it back to the salesman.) All right Rach, let's go! (He picks up one end of the
 couch.)


Rachel: Yeah! (She puts on her coat and turns around and sees Ross is expecting
 her to help.) (Laughing.) Are you kiddin'?
 Ross: Oh, come on it's only three blocks! And-and, it's not very heavy, try it!
 Come on! Come on!
 Rachel: (Disgustedly she goes and tries to pick up the couch. Much to her
 amazement, she is successful.) Oh. Oh! I can do it!
 Ross: Yeah!
 The Salesman: You two are really gonna enjoy that couch.
 Ross: Oh yeah, we're uh, yeah we're not together. (He starts backing out of the
 store.)
 The Salesman: Ohh, okay. (Laughs.) Something didn't quite add up there. (Ross
 stops, walks back to talk to the salesman, and in the process pushes Rachel up against a
 wall.)
 Rachel: Ross!
 Ross: What's that supposed to mean?
 Rachel: Ross!
 The Salesman: Well you, her, I mean, she's very y'know. And you're
 like y'know.
 Ross: Not that it's any of your business, but we did go out.
 The Salesman: Really? You two?
 Ross: Yeah! Rach?
 Rachel: Come on, I don't really want to be doing this right now. I am carrying a
 very heavy couch.
 Ross: Then tell him quickly.
 Rachel: (To Ross) Fine! (To the salesman) We went out.
 Ross: Not only did we go out, we did it 298 times!
 Rachel: Ross!! Oh my--ugh!! You kept count?! You are such a loser!
 Ross: A loser you did it with (To the salesman) 298 times!
 (Rachel pushes on the couch and pushes Ross out the door.)
 [Scene: Outside of Central Perk, Phoebe is exiting and sees a woman put out her
 cigarette on a tree.]
 Phoebe: Oh. Oh! Ma'am? Excuse me, ma'am?
 The Smoking Woman: Yes?
 Phoebe: You can't put your cigarette out on a tree!
 The Smoking Woman: Yeah I can, it worked real well.
 Phoebe: No but you shouldn't! Don't ever do that again.
 The Smoking Woman: I won't! (Turns away) Until I have my next cigarette.
 Phoebe: Hold it! (Grabs the badge) N.Y.P.D! Freeze punk!
 The Smoking Woman: What?!
 Phoebe: Yeah that's right you are so busted. (To no one in particular.) Book
 'em.
 The Smoking Woman: Who are you talking too?
 Phoebe: Save it Red! Unless you wanna spend the night in the slammer, you
 apologize to the tree.
 The Smoking Woman: I am not going to apologize to a tree!
 Phoebe: You apologize to the tree right now or I am calling for backup. (The
 woman calls her bluff.) (Screaming at no one in particular) Backup! Backup!!
 The Smoking Woman: I-I'm sorry! Sorry.
 Phoebe: Okay, cancel backup! Cancel backup!
 [Scene: Ross's building's lobby, he and Rachel are about to attempt to take the couch
 upstairs.]
 Ross: Okay. (Throws off the last cushion.)
 Rachel: Ross, didn't you say that there was an elevator in here?
 Ross: Uhh, yes I did but there isn't. Okay, here we go.
 (They start the attempt. Ross is going backwards and reaches the first landing. This
 staircase has three steps then a landing, makes a 90-degree turn, and has more steps
 before another landing and another 90-degree turn.)
 Ross: Okay, go left. Left! Left! (The bottom of the couch is hitting the
 railing.)
 Rachel: Okay, y'know what? There is no more left, left!
 Ross: Oh okay, lift it straight up over your head! Straight up over your head!
 You can do it! You can do it! (She gets it lifted up and they make the first turn.) Okay.
 You got it?
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Ross: Good-good-good.
 Rachel: Oh-oh!
 (She can't stay at the end as the couch rounds the turn so she shifts to the back
 corner of the couch and is at a 90-degree angle to it.)
 Ross: Yeah, you got it right? You got it right? You got it?
 (She don't got it as the couch slips out of their grips and falls over the bottom
 railing.)
 Rachel: Any chance you think the couch looks good there?
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is telling Chandler and Monica how she fought crime
 in her own way with the badge she found.]
 Phoebe:  so this guy was all (Mumbles.) And I'm all, Buffay, Homicide.
 (Flashes the badge.) It was just so cool!
 Monica: (cooking something) Phoebe, you were supposed to take that back!
 Phoebe: I know but I'm having so much fun doing good deeds.
 Chandler: Okay, but impersonating a police officer is a serious thing. You could
 get arrested.
 Phoebe: You could get arrested, right now! (Flashes the badge and they glare at
 her.) All right, yeah, I gotta take it back. I'm totally drunk with power. (She heads for
 the door just as Joey enters.)
 Phoebe: (To Joey) Hey.
 Joey: (To Phoebe) Hey! (Sees that Monica's there.) Oh.
 Chandler: Hi, Joe.
 Joey: Yeah, I didn't know you guys were going to be here.
 Monica: Hey Joey, sweetie, taste this. (Holds out a spoon for him.)


Joey: (backing away) What?! Why?!
 Monica: What is going on with you?
 Joey: Nothing!
 Chandler: Oh, come on! You've been acting strange all day!
 Joey: All right! There is something. I kinda had a dream, (pause) but I don't
 want to talk about it. (Starts for his room.)
 Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-what-what if Martin Luther King had said
 that? (Imitating what his famous speech would sound like.) I kinda have a dream! I
 don't want to talk about it.
 Joey: Well, it involved Monica.
 Chandler: You had a dream about a girl that I am seeing?! Oh, that is so cool!
 (To Monica) I can't tell you how many times I've dreamt about a girl that he was seeing.
 (Seeing Monica's stare.) (To Joey) Anyway we're talking about your dream. (To Monica) I
 love you. (To Joey) Your dream? (Leans in to listen closely.)
 Joey: Don't worry, there wasn't any sex in it or anything. I haven't dreamt
 about her like that since I found out about you two--ish.
 Monica: What was the dream about?
 Joey: Well, okay. You were my girlfriend and we were doing the crossword
 puzzle. Y'know like you guys were doing last night. So, that's it. I'm in love with Monica
 and I'll be moving out.
 Monica: Wait, Joey! Joey! That doesn't mean that-that you're in love with
 me!
 Joey: It-it doesn't?
 Monica: No!
 Chandler: No, it can mean anything. Like uh, all of the sudden you're jealous
 because I've become the apartment stud.
 Joey: That kinda sounds like your dream dude.
 Monica: Or, it could mean that-that you saw Chandler and me together and we
 y'know were being close and stuff and then you just want to have that with someone too.
 Joey: In the dream I did enjoy the closeness.
 Monica: Um-hmm.
 Chandler: Joey, look, are you attracted to Monica? Right here, right now, are
 you attracted to her?
 Joey: (looks at her) Not really.
 Chandler: Well there you have it!
 Monica: Well sure! I'm just wearing sweats! (Looking at Chandler and slowly
 realizing what his point is.) But that's good that you're not in love with me, because you
 just want a girlfriend!
 Joey: No, I don't think it's just about just getting a girlfriend. Y'know? I
 mean, yeah, I can get a girlfriend! Yeah, we could sit in the chair and do crosswords, but
 y'know are we ever going to have y'know the closeness like-like you guys have?
 Chandler: Well y'know, Monica and I were friends before we started
 dating. So maybe-maybe that's it?
 Joey: Friends first? That's interesting.
 Monica: You become friends after?
 Joey: No, never done that either.
 Rachel: (entering) Hey, umm, do you guys have that tape measure?
 Chandler: Oh yeah, it's actually in my bedroom.
 (Monica and Chandler both remember a special moment between them.)
 Monica: (laughing) That's right.
 (They realize the implication of their behavior, stop instantly and head for his
 bedroom. In the meanwhile, Joey is starring at Rachel in a seductive way.)
 Rachel: (noticing him) What's up Joey?
 Joey: (in a sexy voice) How you doin'?
 (Rachel is stunned.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is walking up and notices a car that is parked
 half on the curb and right in front of the door, making it difficult for people to enter
 Central Perk.]
 Phoebe: Excuse me, is this your car?
 Guy: Yeah.
 Phoebe: Well I don't think it's very nice of you to park here, y'know you're
 blocking the entrance.
 Guy: Don't worry about it. It's not a problem.
 Phoebe: Well, it's a problem for me, which means it's a problem for you 'cause
 I'm a cop. (Shows the badge.)
 Guy: (he reaches into the car and slams his siren on the roof.) So am I!
 Phoebe: Ohh, no. (Pause) Oh okay, so you're a cop which means you can park
 anywhere, 'cause I know that 'cause I'm a cop too. So, all right, keep up the good work.
 10-4. (Tries to leave.)
 Cop: (stopping her) Hey, wait a second! So wait, what precinct are you with?
 Phoebe: I-I'm with the umm, the 57th.
 Cop: Oh, I know a guy in homicide up there.
 Phoebe: I'm in vice. Yeah, in fact I'm undercover right now. I'm a whore.
 Cop: Who-who else is in vice up there?
 Phoebe: Umm, do you know, umm Sipowicz?
 Cop: Sipowicz? No, I don't think so.
 Phoebe: Yeah, big guy, kinda bald.
 Cop: No, I don't know him.
 Phoebe: (starts to walk away, but stops) Don't try to call him or anything,
 'cause he's not there, he's out. His umm, his partner just died.
 Cop: Wow umm, tell Sipowicz I'm real sorry for his loss.
 Phoebe: I-I sure will, take care. (Starts walking off.)
 Cop: (following her) Hey by the way, I'm sure Sipowicz is gonna be all right. I
 heard that kid from Silver Spoons is really good. (Phoebe's stunned) And where did
 you find my badge?


Phoebe: Oh. (She starts laughing. Then she throws the badge at him and runs
 away.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering. Rachel is there getting some tools to
 help Ross out.]
 Rachel: Hey! Joey, would you mind giving me and Ross a hand moving his couch?
 Joey: Oh, I'd love too, but I got acting class. But y'know what? I guess I can
 blow that off, (In a sexy voice) for you.
 (He starts staring at her longingly.)
 Rachel: Thanks!
 Joey: Uh, hey, Rach let me ask you something. Uh, I was just over there talking
 to Monica and Chandler, boy they are really tight.
 Rachel: I know.
 Joey: Yeah that's not such a bad situation they got going over there. I'm
 thinking of getting me one of those.
 Rachel: What's up Joe?
 Joey: Well, the reason I think Monica and Chandler are so great
 Rachel: Yeah?
 Joey:  is because they were friends first. Y'know? So I asked myself,
 'Who are my friends?' You and Phoebe, and I saw you first. So
 Rachel: (laughing) What are you saying?
 Joey: I'm saying maybe you and I crank it up a notch.
 Rachel: Y'know honey, umm, as uh, as flattered as I am that uh, you saw me
 first, uhh, I just, I-I don't think we should be cranking anything up.
 Joey: I'll treat you real nice. (Pulls out a chair for her.)
 Rachel: (laughs and pushes the chair back in) Yeah, well, y'know umm  No
 honey, listen I think it's a great idea to become friends with someone before you
 date them, but I think the way you do it is y'know you meet someone, become their friend,
 build a foundation, then you ask them out on a date. Don't hit on your existing friends!
 Joey: Won't-won't that take longer?
 Rachel: Yeah. Yeah. Oh, but once you find it, ohh it's so worth the wait.
 Joey: Yeah. I understand. I understand. (Pause) Man, I wish I saw Phoebe
 first!
 [Scene: The lobby of Ross's building, he's sitting on the couch at the bottom of the
 stairs, and he's practicing enticing women to join him on the couch.]
 Ross: Come here to me. No-no, you come here to me.
 Rachel: (entering) Hey Ross! I brought reinforcements.
 Ross: Oh great! What, you brought Joey?
 Rachel: Well, I brought the next best thing.
 Chandler: (entering) Hey!
 Ross: Chandler?! You brought Chandler?! The next best thing would be Monica!
 Chandler: Y'know, I would be offended, but Monica is freakishly strong, so
 Ross: Look, I-I drew a sketch about how we're gonna do it. (Showing them) Okay
 Rach, (points to the sketch) that's you. That's the couch. (Points again.)
 Rachel: Whoa-oh, what's-what's that? (Points.)
 Ross: Oh, that's me.
 Rachel: Wow! You certainly think a lot of yourself.
 Ross: No! That's-that's my arm!
 Chandler: (looking at the sketch) Oh, I see. I thought you just really, really
 liked your new couch.
 Ross: Y'know what? Just-just follow my lead.
 (Chandler and Ross head for opposite ends of the couch.)
 Rachel: Okay!
 Chandler: Okay.
 Ross: Come on, Chandler.
 (They pick up the couch and after throwing off the last pillow; Rachel helps out on
 Chandler's end.)
 Ross: All right. (They start up the stairs. Ross is first.) Okay, here we go!
 (Chandler has moved forward and is now underneath the couch as it heads up the first
 set of stairs.)
 Ross: All right, ready?
 Chandler: Yeah.
 Ross: Turn.
 Chandler: (straining) Okay.
 Ross: Turn! Turn!
 (As they turn the couch, Chandler gets sandwiched between the railing and the couch.)
 Chandler: Okay, I don't think we can turn anymore!
 Rachel: Ross, I don't, I just don't think it's going to fit.
 Ross: Oh yeah it will! Come on, up! Up-up-up! Up! Yes! Here we go! Pivot! (They
 start up the stairs again. Chandler is between the couch and the wall now.) Pivot! Piv-ot!
 Piv-et!! Piv-ett!!! Piv-et!
 Chandler: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!!
 (They set the couch down.)
 Ross: Okay, I don't think it's going to pivot anymore.
 Chandler and Rachel: You think?!
 Ross: All right, let's uh, let's bring it back down and-and try again.
 (As they start back down the couch drops a little bit and gets jammed. They try to free
 it to no avail.)
 Chandler: Okay, yeah, I think it's really stuck now.
 Ross: I can't believe that didn't work!
 Rachel: I know, me neither! I mean, you had a sketch!
 Chandler: Oh, y'know, what did you mean when you said pivot?
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is returning and finds Chandler, Monica, and Rachel
 are there.]
 Joey: (entering) Hey!
 Rachel: Hey! How's it going? Did you make any new friends?
 Joey: Yeah, yeah, I met this woman. (Starts for his room.)
 Chandler: (stopping him) Hey, whoa-whoa! What's she like?
 Joey: Uhh, well, she's really good in bed.
 Monica: Joey, I thought you were gonna try to be friends first!


 The One With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
 The One With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
 Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Rachel enters, happily.]
 Rachel: Good, you guys are all here!
 Ross: Hey! What's up?
 Rachel: Well, I have a job interview at Ralph Lauren tomorrow!
 All: Congratulations! Ohh, that's great!
 Rachel: I know!
 Joey: Boy, that guy's underwear sucks!
 Rachel: Wh-what?!
 Joey: I got this pair marked excess, I gotta tell ya, there was no room for
 excess anything in there.
 Rachel: Anyway, I'm going to be the coordinator of the woman's collection, I'll
 work right under the director, it's the perfect, perfect job for me!
 Phoebe: Wow! Well, if you nail the interview, you'll get it!
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Phoebe: You wanna work on your interview skills?
 Rachel: O-okay!
 Phoebe: Okay! All right, let's start with the handshake. Hi.
 Rachel: Hi.
 (They shake hands.)
 Phoebe: Very good handshake, good wrist action.
 Monica: Let me try. (Gets up to join them.)
 Phoebe: Okay. (They shake hands and she pulls away suddenly) Oh my God! What did
 I ever do to you?! (Rubbing her hand.)
 Monica: Did I squeeze it too hard?
 Phoebe: Let's just say, I'm glad I'm not Chandler.
 (Chandler tries to comprehend that remark.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is standing at the window waving at Ross.]
 Joey: That's right Ross, I can see you in your new apartment! And you can see
 me! Same as yesterday, (To Monica) same as the day before.
 Monica: Is he doing his shark attack bit yet?
 Joey: Nope. Op, wait! There he goes.
 (We see Ross through the window and he acts like a swimmer that gets attacked by a
 shark, picture one of the many, many, many Jaws movies they made and you get the
 idea.)
 Joey: (waving) Very funny Ross! Very life-like and funny. Okay. (Notices that a
 woman is waving back.) Oh no-no-no, I wasn't waving at you lady. (She just stares at him.)
 (Joey sees how beautiful she is.) Whoa, maybe I was! Hey, Monica, this totally hot girl in
 Ross's building is flirting with me.
 Monica: Get in there man! Flirt back, mix it up!
 Joey: Yeah, I-I-I'm down with that. (He turns back to the woman.) Okay, here
 goes. (Thinks.) How (Holds up his hand like an Indian) you (Points at her) a-doin'? (Does
 a little twisting motion with both hands and ends up pointing at her, he then winks. She
 smiles and waves again.) (To Monica) It worked! She's waving me over. (Towards the woman.)
 Okay, I-I-I'll be right over. Let's see, she's on the third floor
 Monica: (joining him) Wow! She is pretty, huh?
 Joey: Tell me about it, huh? (Realizes that she can see Monica.) Oh no-no-no,
 I'm not with her, she's just Monica! (He pantomimes that out.) Ewwuck! (He pushes Monica
 away and makes a disgusted face.)
 [Scene: Ross's Building, Joey is trying to find the hot girl's apartment. So he's
 walking up the hallway counting doors. He comes to what he thinks is the right one and
 knocks on it. Ross opens the door, it's his apartment.]
 Ross: Hey Joey! Great stuff huh?
 Joey: This is your place?
 Ross: Of course it is. Yeah, come on in. Ooh-ooh, go by the window you can
 pretend to be surfing. (He pretends he's surfing by the window.)
 Joey: But I counted, you're not supposed to live here! Oh man! (Runs away.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering again.]
 Joey: Ugh!!
 Monica: What happened?
 Joey: I ended up at Ross's place. Oh, I musta missed counted or something.
 (Looks out the window.) Damn! She's not there anymore. Oh, l-l-look, Ross is doing his
 'Watching TV' bit. (We see Ross sitting on the couch and flipping through the channels on
 his remote.)
 Monica: No Joey, I think he's just watchin' TV.
 (It's only when the camera cuts to Ross's apartment that we see that the TV is turned
 off and Ross is indeed doing a bit. He then tries to hide his smirk.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later that day, Gary is kissing Phoebe good-bye.]
 Gary's Radio: We've lost visual contact with the suspect.
 Gary: Okay, now I've really have to go!
 Phoebe: But it's just so unfair that our date has to get cut short just 'cause
 some guy shot at a store clerk.
 Gary: I know, but it's my job, sweethart!
 Phoebe: Okay, then maybe I can come too!
 Gary's Radio: Suspect has just emerged naked from the sewer.
 Phoebe: All right, you go. (They kiss.)
 Gary: Bye-bye.
 Phoebe: 'Kay, bye!
 (Gary closes the door behind him.)
 Phoebe: Oh God!
 Monica: What?
 Phoebe: Oh I just miss him so much!
 Monica: Wow! For just a week you guys are really close, huh?
 Phoebe: Yeah, it's weird. I can't help it though he's so sweet, he's like this
 little puppy dog, y'know? But like a really tough one that shots bad guys. Ohh, I just love
 beginning parts of relationships, y'know?! You just like can't keep your hands off each
 other.


Monica: I know it is the best.
 Phoebe: So-so how long did that last for you and Chandler?
 Monica: What? It's still going on.
 Phoebe: Come on, seriously! When did it end?
 Monica: I-I am serious, I mean, we're, we're all over each other all the time.
 Phoebe: Okay, you know where you are better than I do. I was just curious.
 Monica: (Start annoying hyper-competitive mode now.) (Jumping up) What don't you
 just calm down Phoebe! All right?! Why don't you just get all your facts before you
 run around telling everybody that you're the only hot couple!!
 Phoebe: (Under her breath) God, I woke the beast. Sorry. (To Monica) I was wrong
 obviously, I just I misspoke. It's okay.
 Monica: Oh no, it is okay, I mean as long as you know that Chandler and I
 are also very hot and fiery, just as hot as you! I mean our flame, whew, is on fire!
 Chandler: (entering) Hey Monica, here's your broom back.
 Monica: You are so cute. (She goes over and kisses him passionately.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next day, Chandler and Joey are there as Rachel
 returns from her interview.]
 Chandler: Oh hey, how'd the interview go?
 Rachel: Ugh, horrible! I did the stupidest, most embarrassing thing!
 Joey: Did you tell the guy you wanted to have sex with his wife and then fall
 right out of your chair?
 Rachel: No!
 Chandler: So what happened?
 Rachel: Ugh, it was horrible! And-and the interview part went so well, y'know? I
 even made him laugh. He said something about a boat and I was like, 'Well, yeah! If
 you've got enough life jackets!' (She starts laughing; Chandler and Joey are not
 amused.) Trust me, it was actually, it was very funny. Anyway, so we were saying good-bye
 and ugh!
 Joey: What happened?
 Rachel: (We see a flashback as Rachel describes what happened.) All right, we
 were shaking hands and he kinda leaned toward me  Y'know maybe he was going to open
 the door, but I totally miss read him and I uhhh  (The flashback shows that she
 kissed him on the cheek.)
 Joey: You kissed him?!
 Rachel: Well, I didn't know what else to do!
 Chandler: Well you coulda tried, not kissing him.
 Rachel: Thanks Chandler.
 Monica: (entering from the bathroom) Hey Rach, a guy from Ralph Lauren
 called, you got a second interview!
 Rachel: I can't believe it! I got a second interview!
 Monica: Yes!
 Joey: I bet that kiss isn't looking like such a big mistake now, is it?
 Rachel: What-what, wait a minute, you don't think that's why he wants me back?
 Joey: Yeah! (Chandler makes a noise) No?
 Monica: A kiss? What are you talking about?
 Rachel: I accidentally kissed him in the interview, and now he wants me back
 y'know of course, 'cause 'Let's bring the girl back who kisses everybody!'
 Chandler: Come on, Rach.
 Rachel: Oh my God! What if he thinks I'm the kind of girl that-that would just
 sleep with him?
 Monica: He probably wants you back because you're right for the job.
 Rachel: Maybe. I-I don't know Oh God, how could I be so stupid?!
 Joey: Oh Rachel look, don't say that, I think you just need a hug from Joey.
 Come on. Come on. (She hugs him and Joey looks out the window.) She's back! Hot girl's
 back!
 Rachel: Ohh, well I'm not totally back yet, but thank you.
 Joey: No, in Ross's building! (He throws Rachel onto the chair and heads to the
 window.) She's back! She's back! (Pantomimes) Okay, wait there, I'll be over in a second.
 (He counts where she is again.) Got it! (Runs out and does a little hot over a chair.)
 Chandler: I gotta check out this hot girl! (He heads to the window but realizes
 something, stops, turns and points at Monica.) There she is! (He dances over to her and
 kisses her.)
 [Scene: Ross's building, Joey is knocking on a door again. It's again answered by
 Ross.]
 Joey: Damnit!! Did you move?!
 Ross: Yes. I lived with you guys for a while and then I found this place. (Joey
 just stares at him) I'm Ross.
 (Joey makes a frustrated face and noise and walks away. He knocks on the next door and
 it's answered by an old man.)
 The Old Man: Yes?
 Joey: (Looking around) Uhh do you happen to have a hot girl in there?
 The Old Man: No. I'm all alone.
 Joey: Yeah. Sorry about that. (He walks away and knocks on the next door which
 is answered by a little girl.) Oh, hey little girl. Uhh, is-is your mommy, or sister, or
 babysitter by any chance a hot girl?
 The Little Girl: Daddy!!
 Joey: Later! (He runs away down the hall and hides behind a corner to a whole
 other corridor.) Oh man! (Walks down the hallway in desperation.) Hot girl! Hot girl!!
 [Scene: Rachel's job interview, she is waiting outside Mr. Zelner's (the interviewer)
 office banging her pen between her teeth.]
 Mr. Zelner: Hi Rachel!


Rachel: Hi!
 Mr. Zelner: Come on in.
 (They go inside.)
 Mr. Zelner: It's really nice to see you again.
 Rachel: Thank you.
 Mr. Zelner: (Sees that she has some ink on her lip from her pen.) Oh Rachel,
 uhh  (He points to his lip to get her to notice the ink on hers.)
 Rachel: What?
 Mr. Zelner: Just ah  (He points again.)
 Rachel: Excuse me?
 Mr. Zelner: Here let me  (He goes to wipe it off himself.)
 Rachel: (stopping him) Wh-whoa! All right, okay-okay, I see, I see what's going
 on here! Now listen, look-look, I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I am not
 some hussy who will just sleep around to get ahead! Now even though I (He tries to
 interrupt and tell her about the ink), hey-hey-hey, even though I kissed you, that does
 not give you the right to demand sex from me. I do not want, this job that
 bad. Good day, sir. (She storms out of his office.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is returning from her interview attempt.]
 Rachel: (entering) Ugh, you will not believe what that sleaze-ball from Ralph
 Lauren did too me!
 (Joey, Monica, and Ross all point to their lips to get Rachel to once again notice the
 ink on her lip.)
 Rachel: Okay-okay that-that's amazing. How did you know that?
 Ross: You got ink on your lip.
 Rachel: Oh. (Realizes.) Ohhhhhhhhh .
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Gary and Chandler and Monica are all there.]
 Chandler: (To Gary) So what do you say, maybe sometime I hold your gun?
 Gary: I don't know man, we're really not supposed to do that.
 Chandler: Oh, what can happen? I mean, would you  (He gestures and spills
 some of his coffee.)
 Gary: Yeah, I'm gonna say no.
 Monica: Phoebe, do you want to go see a movie after dinner tonight?
 Phoebe: Oh we can't, we already have plans.
 Monica: What are you doing?
 Phoebe: Well, same thing we did all day, hang out at Gary's apartment. He is so
 amazing, we never left the bedroom. But have fun at the movie.
 Monica: (That annoying competitiveness thing kicks in again, what the heck is
 that with her and why must the writers show it every flippin' episode?!) Oh, we're not
 seeing a movie!
 Phoebe: You're not? Then why did you ask us if we wanted to go?
 Monica: Oh umm, that's because I just wanted to y'know walk in on me and
 Chandler while we were, y'know, doing it all night. Will you excuse me for just a second?
 Phoebe: Yeah!
 Monica: Okay. (She gets up and walks over to Chandler.) Chandler? Can I see you
 for a second?
 Chandler: Uh, yeah.
 Monica: Okay. (They walk away to get some privacy.) We have got to beat
 them! (Here we go yet again.)
 Chandler: Why?
 Monica: 'Cause, Gary and Phoebe think they're a hotter couple than we are!
 Chandler: Ohh, so?
 Monica: So! So we've got to go upstairs and have a lot of sex to prove them
 wrong!
 Chandler: Monica, you have got to stop this competitive thing! Okay? It's
 crazy. (Finally! The voice of reason.) I mean, just impress Gary and Phoebe we have to go
 upstairs and have sex over and over and I'm saying no to this, why? Get your coat.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: The lobby in Ross's building, we see a flyer that is on the bulletin board that
 reads, 'Are you the Hot Girl who waved at me? If so, give me a call!' and it's
 signed, Joey 629-9*** (The last couple of numbers have been ripped off). Anyhoo, Ross is
 getting his mail.]
 Ross: (to the woman checking her mail next to him) Hey!
 (A man walks up.)
 The Man: (To Ross) Excuse me. (He puts up a flyer that has a sketch drawing of
 Joey and it reads, 'Warning! Intruder! If you see this creep - call the cops!')
 You should check this out, tell the other tenants. Apparently he's running around looking
 for some kind of a hot girl.
 Ross: (to the woman checking her mail) Who isn't?
 (For the first time we see that the woman Ross is talking too is in fact the hot girl
 that Joey is looking for. She just kinda stares at him.)
 Ross: I don't, I don't think we've meet. I-I'm Ross.
 The Hot Girl: I know. You're the guy who wouldn't chip in for the handyman.
 Ross: Nevermind! (Goes back to his mailbox.)
 The Hot Girl: No, I-I actually thought it was unfair the way everyone reacted. I
 mean you had just moved in.
 Ross: I had just moved in. Thank you! Listen umm
 The Hot Girl: Jen.
 Ross: Jen, I know this may sound a little (makes some kind of crazy noise)
 But uh, would you maybe wanna grab a cup of coffee sometime, or
 Jen: Sure! That would be nice.
 Ross: Umm?
 Jen: Oh! My number is on there. (Hands him a business card.) Give me a call.


Ross: I will give you a call.
 Jen: I'll see you later. (Starts to walk away.)
 Ross: Okay!
 (After she's left, Ross gets really happy and starts kissing the card. Suddenly, she
 returns.)
 Jen: I forgot my paper. (Ross quickly hides the card in his mouth.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, a post-coital Monica and Chandler are recovering on the
 couch.]
 Chandler: That was amazing!
 Monica: Phoebe and Gary are so gonna hear about this at dinner.
 Chandler: That was amazing.
 Monica: We are the hottest! Huh? No one is hotter than we are! You're the
 best.
 Chandler: No, you're the best.
 Monica: No, you're the best.
 Chandler: No, you're the best.
 Monica: I am the best.
 (Just as they start to get up, Joey walks in.)
 Joey: (entering) Hey guys! (Sees their state of undress) What 'cha been doin'?
 (Has a silly grin.)
 Monica: (looking out the window) Hey Joey! Isn't that the girl that waved at you
 the other day?
 Joey: I don't know. But I can see through your sheet. (He looks out the window.)
 Yeah, yeah, that's her. But y'know what? Doesn't matter, I'm never gonna get to meet her
 anyway.
 Monica: Why?
 Joey: Because it's impossible to find her apartment! She lives in some like of
 hot girl parallel universe, or something.
 Monica: What are you talking about? (Pointing out the window.) She obviously
 lives on the second floor, seventh apartment from the left!
 Joey: No. No. No. She lives on the third floor, eighth apartment
 from the left.
 Monica: No, those first two windows, (Points) that's the lobby. And y'know the
 other one over there, that's the stairway. You've been counting wrong.
 Joey: I did not know that! Thank you Monica. (Starts to leave) I can't
 believe I almost lost another girl because of counting.
 [Scene: Jen's apartment, Ross is picking her up for their date.]
 Ross: So uhh, you ready?
 Jen: Sure, I'll just get my coat. (There's a knock on the door.) Could you get
 that?
 Ross: Sure. (He opens the door to Joey. Needless to say, Joey's stunned.)
 Joey
 Joey: Dahhhhh!! (Ross has a puzzled look on his face.) No! Noooo!! (Storms off.)
 [Scene: Mr. Zelner's office, Rachel has come back again to try and do that second
 interview.]
 Rachel: Ah, first, I-I would like to say thank you for agreeing to see me again.
 Mr. Zelner: That's quite all right, but I feel obligated to tell you that this
 meeting is being videotaped.
 Rachel: (looks around for the camera) Okay. Umm, well, first I would like to
 start by apologizing for kissing you and uh, for yelling at you.
 Mr. Zelner: Fair enough.
 Rachel: Now you're probably going to hire one of the people who did not ah, (She
 puts her hands on his desk blotter and he moves it. Rachel then doesn't know where to put
 her hands.) who did, who did not umm, yell at you and storm out, and I think that's a big
 mistake and here's why. I made a huge fool of myself and I came back, that shows courage.
 When I thought you wanted sex in exchange for this job, I said no. That shows integrity.
 And, I was not afraid to stand up for myself and that shows courage. (Suddenly realizes
 that she said courage twice.) Okay umm, now I know I already said courage, but y'know you
 gotta have courage. And umm, and finally when I thought you were making sexual advances in
 the workplace, I said no and I was not litigious. (By the way, litigious means to want to
 litigate and litigate is to make a lawsuit against. So she didn't want to sue him.
  Don't worry, I had to look it up too.) So there you go, you got, you got (counts
 them off with her fingers) courage, you got integrity, you got (Pause) courage again, and
 not litigious. Look Mr
 Mr. Zelner: Zelner.
 Rachel: Zelner! Right! I knew that! I really, really want this job and I think,
 I think I would be really good at it.
 Mr. Zelner: Y'know what? I may regret this but uh, I'm going to give you a shot.
 Rachel: (gasps) Oh! You are?
 Mr. Zelner: Um-hmm.
 Rachel: Really? Oh thank you! Oh  Oh, would it be completely inappropriate
 to give you a hug?
 Mr. Zelner: Yes!
 Rachel: Okay, well then how about a handshake? (She goes to shake his hand but
 misses and touches his groin.) Oh God I'm sorry! Oh God, I'm sorry! I did not mean to
 touch that I mean you there. There. Uhh, okay, so thank-thank you, I'm going
 to leave now thank you very much uh-huh, thank you so Hey! I'll see you Monday!
 (Exits.)
 [Scene: A restaurant, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Gary are on a double date. Chandler
 is yawning.]
 Phoebe: You tired Chandler?
 Monica: You better believe he's tired, after the day we had! If you know what I
 mean. You know what I mean?


 The One Where Rachel Smokes
 The One Where Rachel Smokes
 Written by: Michael Curtis
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there. Joey is holding a
 deck of cards out to Chandler.]
 Joey: Okay, pick a card.
 Chandler: Okay. (He picks the 9 of Spades)
 Joey: All right now, memorize it. (Pause) You got it?
 Chandler: Oh yes.
 Joey: (holding up the Queen of Clubs) Is that your card? (He winks and smiles.)
 Chandler: (pause) Yes.
 (Joey laughs then realizes the trick didn't work when Chandler hands him his card
 back.)
 Carol: (entering with Ben and Ross) Hey guys!
 Ross: Hi!
 Chandler: Hi there!
 Ben: Hi!!
 Carol: Guess what? Ben is going to be in a TV commercial!
 Phoebe: What are you talking about?!
 Ross: (sets Ben down) Well, it's not for sure but umm, we met this guy in the
 park who thought Ben was really cute--y'know, which he is--so umm anyhoo, he uh, he gave
 us his card and told us to bring him down for this commercial he's auditioning.
 Joey: (reading the card) Whoa! This guy is like the biggest commercial casting
 director in town! (Ross gasps) Ben takes one lousy walk in the park and gets an audition!!
 (Ross and Carol stare at him, then Joey realizes what he just said.) I mean, way to go
 Ben! (Gives Ben the thumbs up, which Ben returns.) Man! I've been in that park a million
 times and no one offered me an audition.
 Ross: I know, it's crazy! We were just pushing Ben on the swings
 Joey: I'm always on the swings! What am I doing wrong?!
 Chandler: That.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is eating breakfast, Ross is heading for the
 bathroom.]
 Rachel: (entering from her room) Okay, gotta go! Wish me luck!
 Joey: Luck!
 Chandler: Hey Rach, now that you're working at Ralph Lauren, can you
 bring me back some of those polo shirts?
 Rachel: Uh well, y'know what? I don't think if I feel comfortable stealing on my
 very first day
 Chandler: Unwilling to steal from work, interesting.
 Monica: Besides, if anybody's gonna get free stuff, it's gonna be me.
 Rachel: Okay guys, way to wish me luck!
 All: Good luck! Go get 'em! (Rachel exits.)
 Phoebe: Okay, let's discuss Rachel's birthday. I say we throw a surprise party
 this weekend.
 Joey: Whoa-whoa, but her birthday isn't like for another month.
 Phoebe: Yeah but if we throw her a party on her birthday, then it's not a
 surprise.
 Monica: I think it's a great idea. Yeah, we could have a dinner party and just
 invite her close friends.
 Joey: Ross!! We're having a surprise party for Rachel!!
 Ross: (from the bathroom) Okay!!
 Joey: Done.
 Phoebe: Okay, great so do you want to do it together?
 Monica: I would love to do it together!
 (Joey starts to giggle.)
 Joey: They're gonna do it together.
 Chandler: Dude! That's my girlfriend!
 Joey: What, so I gotta shut it down now?
 Ross: All right, I gotta take off. I'm picking up Ben then we're off to the big
 audition.
 Monica: It's gonna be weird to watch some actor pretending to be Ben's dad.
 Ross: Yeah.
 Chandler: Weirder than watching his two moms make out? (Monica nods in
 agreement.)
 Joey: Whoa-whoa dad? There's a dad in the commercial?
 Ross: Yeah the dad and Ben eat soup and pretend to enjoy it.
 Joey: Whoa, hey, maybe I'll go down there with ya and see if I can get an
 audition to play the dad. I mean who better to play Ben's father than his godfather.
 Ross: You're not his godfather.
 Joey: What?! Are you kidding?!
 Ross: (Pause) Of course I am! (Joey is relieved) Okay, let's go godfather.
 Joey: All right!
 (As they walk out he motions to Chandler that he is still Ben's godfather.)
 [Scene: Ben's audition, Carol, Ross, and Ben along with about 10 more families are in a
 waiting room as Joey enters happily.]
 Joey: Hey! I'm in, they're gonna let me audition!
 Ross: Really? That's great!
 Joey: I know! I know! It turns out that one of the casting ladies has actually
 seen me in a play, so I steered clear of her
 Carol: (noticing a kid who has picked up a copy of Variety to read) Hey,
 that kid looks familiar.
 Joey: Oh yeah, yeah! He's done tons of commercials. I've seen him in like Sugar
 Smacks, Playstation, and that one for the phone company. In fact he was so good in
 that one, he actually convinced me to switch phone companies. Chandler was mad .
 Ross: Yeah well, he's not gonna get this one. Ben is way cuter than that kid. I
 mean look at him, look at you, (Starts to whine like a baby and Joey just glares at him.)
 Joey: That's great. Listen, wouldn't it be great though if I got to play Ben's
 dad?


Ross: Joey, you look nothing like Ben.
 Joey: I look more like him than you do! (He winks at Carol.)
 Carol: Y'know, I don't really know you well enough for you to do that.
 [Scene: Rachel's new job, she's in her new boss's office (Kim's) and with the other
 assistant (Nancy). Together they're deciding what clothes to buy or something, who knows,
 let's all watch/read to find out.]
 Kim: So it's down to these two, Nancy I know you like this one and I think I
 agree. Rachel, what do you think?
 Rachel: Well umm, that one is pretty but uh, I just, I just love this fabric (On
 the other one.) Sorry.
 Kim: Oh don't be sorry, that's part of your job here to give your opinions and
 then I take credit for them--I'm kidding.
 Nancy: She is kidding, but don't ever disagree with her again. Okay, now I'm
 kidding!
 Rachel: (laughing nervously) Oh, what a fun office.
 Kim: I don't know which one, but I do know I need a cigarette. So what do you
 say we take a break, we go outside, and we'll figure this out when we come back?
 (They all get up to leave.)
 Kim: (at the door) Rachel? Do you smoke?
 Rachel: Oh no, my dad's a doctor and he would always tell me just horror
 stories (stops and tries to change directions) about ghosts and goblins who
 totally supported the princess's right to smoke.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is telling Chandler and Monica about her day.]
 Rachel:  and then they came back from smoking and they had made all of the
 decisions without me!
 Monica: That doesn't seem fair.
 Rachel: I know! It's like I'm being punished for not having this disgusting,
 poisoning habit!
 Chandler: Yeah, it is the best.
 Rachel: I mean what if this keeps happening? Y'know, they'll-they'll be outside
 smoking, making all the decisions and I'll just be up in my office breathing my stupid
 clean air, y'know? And then when the day comes when Kim wants to promote one of us, who do
 you think she's gonna pick? Me or Smokey Smokerson?
 Monica: Rachel, you can go down there, you don't have to smoke. Just say you
 wanna get some fresh air.
 Rachel: Yeah, I can do that.
 Chandler: Yeah, or you can do the easy thing and smoke.
 Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
 Monica: Hey!
 Phoebe: Hey Rach, you wanna get some coffee?
 Rachel: I would love to!
 Phoebe: Oh good!
 Chandler: Yeah, I wanna go to babe.
 Phoebe: Oh good.
 (They all start out.)
 Phoebe: Oh wait, I change my mind! (She slams the door on them.) Okay, let's
 talk about the party! I have so many ideas! (Holds up a cocktail napkin.)
 Monica: Yeah, me too! (Runs and grabs her 3-ring binder of ideas.)
 Phoebe: Oh, look at that.
 Monica: All right, that's a little sketch of the cake, umm some sample menus,
 umm y'know what I thought we would start out with Tuscan style finger food, and for music,
 here's an alphabetized list of all my CDs! I've highlighted the ones that would go really
 good with the food.
 Phoebe: What happened to the intimate dinner party?
 Monica: Oh, we're not doing that. Okay
 Phoebe: So wow, it looks like you took care of everything. Thanks a lot,
 co-host.
 Monica: What?! I didn't take care of everything, there's-there's plenty of
 things for you to do!
 Phoebe: Like what?
 Monica: (Thinks) Cups.
 Phoebe: Cups? You're giving me cups?
 Monica: And ice!
 Phoebe: Cups and ice? Ooh, I get to be in charge of cups and ice? (Thinks of
 something) All right. Fine, okay, I will be in charge of cups and ice!
 Monica: Wait a minute, I can get ice at the restaurant
 Phoebe: I got it! Mine!
 Ross: (entering, downtrodden) Hi.
 Monica: Hey! How'd the audition go?!
 Ross: Not so good.
 Monica: Wait a minute, are you doing Joey's (sadly) 'Audition didn't go so
 well. (Happily) Yeah it did?'
 Ross: (Pause) Yeah I am! Yeah, Ben got a second audition!
 Joey: (also downtrodden) Yeah, I had to teach Ross my bit because I actually
 didn't get a callback.
 Monica: You got a callback too didn't you?
 Joey: (Happily) Yeah I did!
 [Scene: The smoker's balcony, Rachel is out to join Kim and Nancy.]
 Kim: Hey Rachel, what are you doing out here?
 Rachel: Oh well, it's kinda lonely up there, so I just thought I would come out
 here and get some fresh air.
 Kim: Nancy and I were talking about the fall collection.
 Rachel: Oh great!
 Kim: So anyway we really  (Someone exhales and Rachel turns and coughs.)
 Honey, we're just smoking all over you.
 Nancy: Oh, sorry!
 Rachel: Oh that's okay.
 Kim: No-no-no, we'll move you just stay right there. (They walk away.)
 Nancy: So anyway I sent the designs over to Ralph and he's very excited about
 the line.
 Kim: Oh that's great! You are the best!
 (Rachel gets fed up and heads over to another smoker.)


Rachel: Excuse me, can I, can I bum one of those? (He holds up his pack.) Y'know
 what, actually  (She takes the one he's smoking and heads over to where Nancy and Kim
 are standing and laughing.) Okay, okay, okay, what's so funny over here?
 Nancy: I thought you didn't smoke.
 Rachel: Oh, I thought you guys meant marijuana cigarettes, y'know? Y'know what I
 mean, like dubbies? And I actually, I thought to myself, 'Wow, those guys are
 crazy!' But no, I actually smoke the regular ones all, all the time.
 Kim: We get high.
 Rachel: Oh, me too.
 Kim: I'm kidding.
 Rachel: (Laughs) Oh, me too.
 [Scene: Ben and Joey's (Isn't that an ice cream??) callback.]
 Ross: Oh God, this is so nerve wracking! How-how do you do this?
 Joey: Well, unfortunately, I don't get many callbacks so
 Carol: Is it a good sign that they asked us to hang around after the audition?
 Joey: Who knows?
 The Casting Director: (entering) Okay uh, we have narrowed it down to Raymond,
 Ben, Kyle, and Joey. The rest of you, thank you very much.
 Ross: Yes!! I knew it!! (To the people who didn't make it.) Bye-bye! So long!
 Later!
 Joey: Oh this is great! I might actually get to play Ben's dad!
 Ross: Yeah!
 The Casting Director: Actually, that can't happen. Yeah because you all have
 such different looks, we're putting you with Raymond and Kyle with Ben. So it'll be either
 you two (Points to Joey and Raymond) or you two. (Points to Kyle and Ben.) (Exits.)
 Joey: Man, this is gonna be kinda weird.
 Ross: Yeah, it is.
 Kyle: Yeah. It's gonna be weird.
 Ross: No, we-we're gonna be like best friends, that's why it's gonna be weird.
 Kyle: Oh, oh, I thought we were just talking.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Chandler are talking.]
 Phoebe: (entering, carrying two garbage bags) Hey!
 Ross and Chandler: Hi!
 Phoebe: Is it okay if I leave this stuff here 'til Rachel's birthday party?
 Chandler: Ah sure. What's in 'em?
 Phoebe: Umm, cups.
 Chandler: Oh good, because uh we got Rachel 800 gallons of water.
 Ross: Seriously that's a lot of cups.
 Phoebe: Yeah well, that's 'cause Monica put me in charge of cups and ice, and
 Monica is gonna rue the day that she put me in charge of cups and ice.
 Chandler: Y'know I rued the day once didn't get a whole lot else done.
 Phoebe: Okay, time to bring up the rest of the cups. (She goes and opens the
 door to Joey.) Oh, hi Joey!
 Joey: Hey Pheebs! (To the guys) Hey!
 Ross: Hey!
 Joey: Ross good, I'm uh glad you're here. I wanna talk to you about something.
 Ross: What's up?
 Joey: Well, I've been thinking about this whole commercial thing, y'know me
 going up against Ben, the two of us competing, and that can't lead to anything good. So, I
 think I'm just gonna step aside. I'm gonna tell them that I won't audition.
 Ross: Wow, uh, Joey that's-that's great. Thanks man.
 Joey: That's it? You're-you're gonna let me do this?! This-this is my career
 we're talking about here!
 Ross: Well, you just
 Joey: I just said that so you wouldn't let Ben do it! Look Ross, if anyone
 should step aside it should be Ben!
 Ross: What?!
 Joey: What? Chandler! Tell 'em!
 Chandler: (shocked) Well I mean, let me get the door first. (Goes and opens the
 door.) Oh, hi! No one. (Exits.)
 Ross: Why should Ben step aside? It was his audition in the first place! You-you
 just tagged along! You're like the uh, tag-a-long dad.
 Joey: At least I care about his feelings!
 Ross: What?!
 Joey: Do you know how hard this is gonna be on him when he doesn't get it?
 Ross: And why wouldn't he get it?
 Joey: Oh, come on! Have you seen what my kid can do?! Huh?! I mean he
 dials phones! He-he-he eats tortilla chips! He-he plays soccer with the cartoon tiger!
 Ross: Are you saying your kid eats soup better than my kid?
 Joey: You just give him a spoon baby!
 Ross: Oh yeah? I guess we'll just see!
 Joey: Yeah! Because this commercial belongs to me and Mitch!
 Ross: You're kid's name is Raymond!
 Joey: Yeah?! So's yours!
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are there as Rachel enters.]
 Monica: (To Rachel) How did work go?
 Rachel: Oh it was great! It was great! I went down there just like you said,
 y'know? And we talked business. Kim totally took my opinions.
 Monica: You stink!
 Rachel: Thanks!
 Monica: No, I'm-I'm serious!
 Rachel: Well-well that's 'cause I went down there and they were all smoking.
 This is actually the smell of success.
 Chandler: Okay, there's something different though--Oh my God! You smoked!
 Rachel: I did not!
 Chandler: Yes you did! You look happy and sick; you smoked!