 The One Hundredth
 The One Hundredth
 Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: The Hospital, Phoebe is arriving with Ross, Joey, and Rachel in tow.]
 Phoebe: (to the nurse) Hi.
 Nurse: Hi.
 Phoebe: Hi, yeah, hi! I'm umm, Phoebe Buffay, and I have babies coming out of
 me.
 Nurse: Okay. Have you started having contractions?
 Phoebe: Not yet. Umm, I heard they really hurt, do they hurt?
 Nurse: Well
 Phoebe: Oh my God!
 Ross: It's all right.
 Nurse: Now, which of you is the father? (Points to Joey and Ross)
 Phoebe: Oh no, none of them are the father. The father is my brother.
 Nurse: (not sure what to do with that) Okay
 Rachel: I am so gonna miss watching you freak people out like that!
 Joey: Okay, uh Pheebs, quick. Look! This (His video camera) is for the babies to
 look at someday, so is-is there anything you want to say? Y'know before it all starts?
 Phoebe: Oh, okay, umm, hi kids! Um, it's me, Aunt Phoebe. I can't wait to see
 you. Please don't hurt me!
 (Monica and Chandler come running in.)
 Ross: Hey, what took you guys so long? Your cab left when ours did!
 (There's a pause as they figure out what to say.)
 Monica: Well, we-we had to go back because I forget my jacket.
 Chandler: That's right.
 (Both Rachel and Ross stare at her for a moment.)
 Rachel: You-you're not wearing a jacket.
 Monica: Oh man! I did it again!
 Phoebe: (standing up) Okay, so umm, somebody has to call Frank and Alice. (As
 she is talking Joey is sticking the camera under her skirt.) And then my mom wants to
 know-(notices Joey)-Joey, what are you doing?!
 Joey: I gotta get the before shot!
 (She shakes her head no.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: The delivery room, Rachel and Ross are entering.]
 Rachel: Hi, Pheebs? Okay, so just spoke to the nurse and the reason that your
 doctor is late is because uh, she's not coming.
 Phoebe: What?!
 Ross: Apparently she fell in the shower and hit her head.
 Phoebe: Oh my God, she's so stupid!
 Ross: Look, Pheebs-Pheebs, it's gonna be okay.
 Phoebe: That's easy for you to say, I don't see three kids coming out your
 vagina!
 Rachel: Honey, listen, y'know what? The nurse said the doctor is wonderful.
 Ross: Yeah, he's head of the department.
 Phoebe: All right Ooh! Oh dead God, save me!
 Monica: What?
 Phoebe: I'm having my first contraction!
 Chandler: Oh no.
 Phoebe: Ooh, it's not bad.
 Chandler: Okay.
 Joey: Oh! (In an announcer type voice) And so the miracle of life begins, and
 aaiiyyyeeee! (He grabs his side and doubles over in pain.)
 Chandler: Hey! You okay?
 Joey: Ooh, something hurts!
 Phoebe: Ooh, it's sympathy pains. Ohh, that's so sweet!
 Joey: Are they? I didn't know I cared that much.
 (The doctor, Dr. Harad, enters.)
 Ross: Hello.
 Dr. Harad: Hi! Phoebe, I'm Dr. Harad, I'm going to be delivering your babies. I
 want you to know, you're gonna be in good hands. I've been doing this for a long time.
 I'll be back in a minute to do your internal, in the meantime, just relax because
 everything here looks great. And also, I love Fonzie. (Exits)
 Chandler: Did he just say, he loves Fonzie?
 Monica: That's what it sounded like.
 Chandler: All right
 Frank: (entering) Hey!
 All: Hey!
 Frank: (To Phoebe) Hey! Am I late? Am I late? Nobody came out yet, right?
 Phoebe: No-no-no! We haven't started yet. Where's Alice?
 Frank: Uh, Delaware. She's on her way though, so until she gets here, I'm gonna
 be your coach. But don't worry, she told me all about the la-Mazada stuff.
 Chandler: Yeah, that's when if you get the babies out by the end of the month,
 they give you 2% financing.
 Frank: Yeah.
 [Scene: The waiting room, Monica and Joey are sitting there.]
 Rachel: (entering) Monica? You gonna be very proud of me. I just got us dates
 with two unbelievably cute nurses.
 Joey: Oh my!
 Rachel: They're male nurses.
 Joey: Not in my head.
 Rachel: Anyway, they want to take us out Saturday night! What do you say?
 Monica: Umm. (Looks at Chandler who is using the phone.) Umm. Umm. I don't think
 so.
 Rachel: What? What are you talking about?! You-you're the one who's been telling
 me to get over Ross and move on. I'm moving on, and you're moving on with me. Come on,
 give me one good reason why you don't wanna go.
 Monica: Umm, why don't you give me something that would be a good reason
 and-and then I'll tell you if it's true.
 Rachel: What?
 Monica: Harder than it sounds. Isn't it?
 Rachel: Okay, you're coming with me, and I also told them that if we're still
 here when they get off that we'll go down to the cafeteria and have some Jell-O
 with them.


Joey: (in a sexy voice) Yep! There's always room for Jell-O
 Rachel: Joey, how do you make that dirty?
 Joey: Oh, it's easy. Yeah, I-I can do it with anything. Watch uh, (snaps his
 fingers and in a sexy voice) Grandma's chicken salad
 [Scene: The delivery room, Chandler, Frank, and Ross are with Phoebe.]
 Joey: (entering) Ross! Get a shot of this. (He's carrying an issue of the USA
 Today and hands Ross the camera.) Hey babies! These are the headlines on the day you
 were born! Okay, now girl baby turn away and boy babies  (Throws the paper away to
 reveal a copy of Playpen, which is the TV version of Playboy Magazine.) Check it
 out, huh?! This is what naked women looked like the month you were born. All right, now
 let's dive right into the good stuff. (Joey opens the magazine and Ross sticks the camera
 in it.)
 Phoebe: Oh, okay, I'm having another one! This one doesn't hurt either Ooh,
 yes it does! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooh! (Checks under the blanket.) Oh, I was kinda hoping that
 was it.
 Ross: Hey, where are Monica and Rachel anyway?
 Joey: Oh, a couple of nurses asked them out. Maybe they're with them.
 Chandler: Really? Male nurses?
 Joey: Yeah, I was bummed too.
 Chandler: So they're going on dates? When?
 Joey: I think Saturday (groans in pain again).
 Frank: (To Phoebe) What's with him?
 Phoebe: Umm, sympathy pains. I thought it was really sweet at first, but now I
 think he's just trying to steal my thunder.
 Dr. Harad: (entering) Okay!
 Phoebe: Hey.
 Dr. Harad: Let's see what we got here. Ohh, y'know, Fonzie dated triplets.
 Chandler: This-this Fonzie person you keep referring too, is that uh, is that
 another doctor?
 Dr. Harad: Oh no-no-no. Fonzie is the nickname of Arthur Fonzerelli. The Fonz.
 Chandler: All right.
 (Dr. Harad exits.)
 Frank: It's not that weird, is it?
 Phoebe: It's very weird! I don't want some guy down there telling me, I'm
 y'know, dilatedamundo!
 Ross: To be fair, he doesn't seem to be impersonating Fonzie
 Phoebe: (interrupting) What are you doing?!! Why are you defending him?! Just
 get me another doctor! One who is not crazy and who is not Fonzie!
 Ross: Again, it's not that he
 (Phoebe fakes pain to get Ross looking for another doctor.)
 [Scene: The waiting room, Chandler is looking for Monica.]
 Chandler: (spotting her) Oh-hey-hey-hey! There you are!
 Monica: Umm, listen there's something I think you should know.
 Chandler: Oh, is this about you-you dating the nurse? Yeah, Joey already told
 me, and I am so-so fine. I mean, you and I we're just, y'know, we're nothing, we're
 goofin' around.
 Monica: Umm, actually I was about to tell you that I was, I was going to get out
 of it, but hey, if we're just goofing around then uh, maybe I will go out with him.
 Chandler: Fine! Maybe I will too!
 Joey: (entering from the elevator caring gifts for the kids) Hey, you guys! Look
 what I found in the giiiiiiift shop. (He doubles over in pain in front an old man in a
 wheel chair.) Get up! Get up! Get up! (The old man waves him away.)
 [Scene: The delivery room, Ross has returned with another doctor. This one, is well,
 younger.]
 Ross: Okay, Phoebe, this Dr. Oberman. He has no strong feelings about Fonzie or
 any of the Happy Days gang.
 Phoebe: Hi! And you're going into what grade?
 Dr. Oberman: Umm, I'm actually a first year resident, but I get that a lot, you
 see, I-I graduated early
 Phoebe: (interrupting) Uh-huh, me too. Ross, maybe I should've specified that
 I'd be needing a grown up doctor.
 Dr. Oberman: Oh no, I'm fully qualified to
 Phoebe: Shh! Doogie, shh! Doesn't anybody understand that I'm gonna be having
 babies soon? Huh? Go! Go little boy, go!
 (He runs out and Frank watches him go.)
 Frank: Oh cool! You made him cry!
 [Scene: Another hospital room, Joey has now been admitted and his doctor is about to
 break the bad news to him, Monica, and Chandler.]
 Joey's Doctor: Mr. Tribbiani, I'm afraid you've got kidney stones.
 Joey: Umm, well, what else could it be?
 Joey's Doctor: It's kidney stones.
 Joey: Or?
 Joey's Doctor: Kidney stones!
 [Scene: The delivery room, Dr. Harad is back and checking on Phoebe.]
 Dr. Harad: All right, you're getting there. Oh, and y'know, these babies are
 very, very lucky.
 Phoebe: They are. Why?
 Dr. Harad: They have the honor of being born on The Fonz's half-birthday.
 Phoebe: Happy birthday!
 Dr. Harad: Just-just to clarify, I'm not Fonzie. (Phoebe nods in agreement as he
 leaves.)
 Rachel: Honey, y'know I just gotta tell you, I think this is such a terrific
 thing you're having these babies for Frank and Alice.
 Phoebe: I know, it is.
 Rachel: Yeah!
 Phoebe: Can I tell you a little secret?


Rachel: Yeah!
 Phoebe: I want to keep one. (Giggles in excitement.)
 Rachel: Ohh, I'm gonna be on the news!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: The delivery room, continued from earlier.]
 Rachel: Okay, Phoebe, honey, you gotta be kidding. I mean, you know you
 cannot keep one of these babies!
 Phoebe: Why not?! Maybe I can, you don't know!
 Rachel: Yes! Yes! Yes, I do! I do know! Frank and Alice are gonna want to keep all
 of their children!
 Phoebe: Maybe not! Y'know? Seriously, three babies are a handful maybe they're
 y'know, looking for a chance to unload one of them. Listen, I-I hate to miss an
 opportunity just because I didn't ask! Y'know?
 Rachel: Phoebe, no! This is, this is insane.
 Phoebe: Oh, just ask him!
 Rachel: Me?!
 Phoebe: I can't ask him! Do you have any idea how inappropriate that
 would be?! All I'm saying is just talk to Frank. Okay? Just, y'know, feel him out!
 Rachel: No! Forget it! I am not gonna ask Frank to give you one of his
 kids!!
 Phoebe: You're right.
 (There's an awkward silence then suddenly Phoebe gets an idea.)
 Phoebe: Tell him it's for you.
 [Scene: Joey's room, his doctor, Chandler, and Monica are there.]
 Monica: Feeling a little better sweetie?
 Joey: Well, maybe a little. I wish you hadn't seen me throw up.
 Monica: Me too.
 Ross: (entering) Hey! I just heard. What's up?
 Joey's Doctor: Kidney stones! Now, ordinarily Mr. Tribbiani, we try to break up
 the stones up with shock waves, but they're to close to the bladder now. Which means we
 can either wait for you to pass them or else go up the urethra
 Joey: (interrupting) Whoa-whoa! No-no-no-no-no, nothing is going up! Okay? Up,
 up is not an option what's a urethra? (Monica whispers what it is in his ear.) Are
 you crazy?!
 [Scene: The delivery room, Rachel and Frank are there.]
 Phoebe: (To Rachel) So did you ask him?
 Rachel: No, I haven't had a chance to be alone with him yet.
 Phoebe: Well, I'm kinda on a clock here.
 Dr. Harad: (laughing) Oh Fonzie.
 Rachel: Y'know who I always liked? Mork.
 (Dr. Harad drops what he's doing and stares at her.)
 Phoebe: Undo it. Undo it. Undo it.
 Dr. Harad: Fonzie met Mork. Mork froze Fonzie.
 Rachel: Yeah, but umm  Yes, but, Fonzie was already cool, so he wasn't
 hurt, right?
 Dr. Harad: Yeah, that's right.
 Monica: (entering with Chandler) Hey!
 Phoebe: Hi!
 Monica: (To Phoebe) How are you doing?
 Phoebe: Okay, doctor says any minute now.
 Frank: Hey, y'know, Alice is gonna be here so soon, you couldn't just like do me
 a favor and like, like hold them in?
 Phoebe: Sorry Frank, I'm kinda in the middle of the last favor you asked me to
 do.
 (A male nurse enters.)
 Male Nurse: Hey!
 Rachel: Hi!
 Male Nurse: Rachel.
 Rachel: Monica, this is Dan (points to him), one of the guys that we're gonna be
 going out with on Saturday. (Mouths 'He's yours.' to her.) Uh Dan, Monica.
 Dan: Nice to meet you.
 Monica: Hello Dan! I'm really looking forward to Saturday night! Really,
 really!
 Chandler: So Dan, nurse not a doctor huh? Kinda girlie isn't it?
 Monica: Chandler!
 Dan: Nah that's okay. I'm just doing this to put myself through medical school.
 Chandler: Oh.
 Dan: And it didn't feel so girlie during the Gulf War.
 Chandler: Sure. (Pause) And listen, thanks for doing that for us, by the way.
 (Retreats in defeat.)
 Monica: So, why wait 'til Saturday, are you free tomorrow?
 Dan: Sure! I'll get somebody to cover my shift.
 Monica: Oh, great!
 Chandler: (to another female nurse) Hey, how 'bout it? You, me, Saturday night?
 Delivery Room Nurse: No.
 Chandler: All right. Very good.
 Phoebe: Oo, this is a big one. Eww! Arghhhh!!
 [Cut to Joey's room, who's going throw his own contractions. Plus, he has Ross in a
 headlock.]
 Joey: Ohh, get these things out of me!
 Ross: Breathe! Breathe! Breathe throw the pain.
 (Joey starts breathing hard)
 Joey: I want the drugs Ross, I want the drugs! (He starts rocking back and
 forth, taking Ross with him.)
 Ross: I do too! I do too!
 Joey: Argh!
 Ross: Argh!
 Joey: Argh!
 Ross: Argh!
 [Scene: The waiting room, Frank is on the phone as Rachel approaches.]
 Frank: Yeah, I love you. Okay, bye! (To Rachel) Hi!
 Rachel: Hi!
 Frank: That was Alice's mom, she said she left five hours ago. She should be
 here by now!
 Rachel: Oh, honey, don't worry. She's gonna make it on time.
 Frank: Yeah.
 Rachel: Yeah. So Frank, three babies. Whew, that just seems like a lot, huh?
 Frank: (laughs) Not to me.
 Rachel: Yeah, fair enough.
 [Scene: The delivery room, later on, Rachel, Chandler, Monica, and Frank are there as
 Dr. Harad is checking out Phoebe.]
 Dr. Harad: Okay, you're at ten centimeters. Time to start having some babies.
 All right, I want only the father in here please.
 (They all kiss her and wish her luck.)


Monica: Bye Dan!
 Dan: Uh, bye Monica.
 Chandler: Bye, momi-moo.
 (Everyone except Frank leaves.)
 Dr. Harad: All right, I need a clamp, sterile towel, and channel 31.
 Phoebe: What is that?
 (Dan turns on the TV and the Happy Days theme song comes on.)
 Phoebe: Oh my God!
 Dr. Harad: Oh, no-no-no, it's a good one! Fonzie plays the bongos. All right,
 are you ready? It's time to start pushing.
 [Cut to Joey's room, his doctor and Ross are there.]
 Joey's Doctor: Are you ready? It's time to try peeing. (Joey makes a face like
 he is trying to pee.) Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait! It's almost time to try peeing.
 (Points at the bottle Joey is to pee into.)
 [Cut to the delivery room.]
 Dr. Harad: Okay, now push! That's it push! Just concentrate on pushing! Yeah,
 here we go!
 Dan: I see the head.
 Frank: Yes, it has a head!
 Dr. Harad: All right. Keep pushing! Come on!
 Frank: I can't believe there's somebody coming out of you right now. There's
 somebody coming out of you! Is it? Is it? It's my son.
 Dr. Harad: All right. Here's your first baby.
 [Cut to the waiting room, a triumphant Frank rushes in.]
 Frank: YESSSSS!!!!! We got a baby boy!!
 Chandler: Yes!
 Frank: Frank Jr. Jr.!!
 Rachel: Oh, how does he look? How does he look?
 Frank: So gross! (He runs back to the delivery room.)
 [Cut to the delivery room, Phoebe is about to give birth to the middle kid.]
 Dr. Harad: Okay. You ready to push again?
 Phoebe: I already had a baby. Leave me alone.
 Frank: Okay, okay, come on, you can do it. You can do it!
 (Phoebe screams in pain, and Frank screams with her.)
 [Cut to the waiting room, a twice triumphant Frank returns.]
 Frank: Yeah!! Little Leslie is here! We got another one! Oh my God, I can't
 believe I have two-two children. How scary is that? (He returns to the delivery room.)
 [Cut to the delivery room, Phoebe is at it for the last time.]
 Frank: Come on little Chandler, it's time to be born. Come on little Chandler!
 Come on!
 Dr. Harad: All right, he's coming. He's coming!
 (They both stare at the newborn.)
 Frank: Hey, where's his thing?
 [Cut to the waiting room, a thrice triumphant Frank returns again.]
 Frank: Chandler's a girl!
 Chandler: Oh God, kindergarten flashback.
 Frank: They musta read the sonogram wrong. 'Cause they, 'cause they thought it
 was a boy, but Chandler's a girl! Chandler's a girl!
 Chandler: Okay, keep saying it!
 Alice: (running in from the elevator) Am I too late?!
 Frank: No-no ah, everything's okay. Everybody's healthy there's 30 fingers and
 30 toes.
 Alice: We have our babies?
 Frank: Yeah.
 Alice: (Starting to cry) Oh, we have our babies.
 (They hug. And quickly that hug turns into a heated make out session, right there on
 the waiting room couch. Chandler, Rachel, and Monica quickly make their exits.)
 [Scene: Joey's room, he is recovering from his birth.]
 Joey: Oh my God.
 Ross: You did it, man.
 Joey's Doctor: Would you like to see them? (He hands Joey a little jar.)
 Joey: They're so small! (Both he and Ross look at them with satisfied looks on
 their faces.)
 [Scene: A hallway, Monica and Dan are talking.]
 Dan: So, I'll call you tomorrow.
 Monica: Great!
 (Dan leaves as Chandler enters.)
 Chandler: So, are you really gonna go out with that nurse man?
 Monica: Well uh, you and I are just goofing around, I thought, why not goof
 around with him.
 Chandler: Y'know, I don't know if you've ever looked up the term goofing around
 in the dictionary  Well, I have, and the technical definition is, two friends who
 care a lot about each other and have amazing sex and just wanna spend more time together.
 But if you have this new fangled dictionary that gets you made at me, then we have to,
 y'know, get you my original dictionary. I am so bad at this.
 Monica: I think you're better than you think you are.
 Chandler: Really? Okay, so
 Monica: (interrupting) Know when to stop.
 Chandler: Y'know, I sensed that I should stop. So we're okay?
 Monica: Yeah. All right, I'm gonna go tell Dan that it's not gonna happen. (They
 kiss and as she starts to leave, Chandler starts to dance. Without turning around.) Don't
 do the dance.
 Chandler: Right!
 [Scene: The delivery room, everyone except Rachel is there. Phoebe, Monica, and Ross
 are holding the babies.]
 Monica: I think you're my favorite.
 Phoebe: Which one do you have?
 Monica: I don't care.
 Rachel: (entering) Hi. (To Phoebe) Hey, hi! So uh, Frank and Alice wanted me to
 tell you that they're still outside making phone calls.
 Phoebe: But umm, I mean, did you talk to them about, y'know
 Rachel: Yeah, umm, no honey.
 Phoebe: Oh. It was a long shot. Hey, you guys can I just like have a second
 alone with the babies.
 All: Yeah, sure yeah. Yeah.
 (They hand her the babies and leave them alone.)


 The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS
 The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS
 Written by: Michael Curtis
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel has just gotten home and is going through the mail.
 She finds something that's Monica's and goes over and knocks on her closed bedroom door.]
 Monica: (In a sexy voice) Come in. I've been waiting for you.
 (Rachel enters.)
 Rachel: Hi! I just wanna-(sees Monica)-Ahhh!!! Oh my God! (She runs out in
 horror.) Oh my God!
 Monica: (pulling on a robe) Okay, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I-I-I was um, I was
 taking a nap.
 Rachel: Since when do take naps in that position. Oh God Monica, tell me
 you were waiting for a guy! Please tell me you were waiting for a guy!
 Monica: Yes. Yes, I was. A guy. From work. (Thinks) I'm seeing a guy from work!
 Ha!
 Rachel: (Gasps) That cute waiter guy from your restaurant, the one that looks
 like a non-threatening Ray Liotta?
 Monica: Uh-huh, that one!
 Rachel: Y'know what, just give me a second and I'll be out of your hair. I'm
 just gonna grab a jacket. When I get back, I want every little detail. (There's a knock on
 the door.) Maybe that's him. (Goes to answer the door.)
 Monica: (Panicking) Okay, umm, okay, umm  (Rachel opens the door.) It's
 just Joey and Ross.
 Rachel: Why aren't you guys at the movie?
 Joey: Well, we were! But Ross was talking so loud on his phone they threw us
 out!
 Ross: I had to talk loud because the movie was loud!
 Joey: (to Monica and Rachel) He's talking to London!
 Monica: But why?! Did he get in touch with Emily?
 Joey: Well no, not yet. He's calling everyone on her side of the family hoping
 that someone will help him get in touch with her.
 Ross: (on phone) I-I-I don't care if I said some other girl's name you prissy,
 old twit!
 Joey: Ross! Way to suck up to the family.
 Chandler: (entering, happily, with a bottle of champagne, thinking that Monica
 is the only one there) Ha-ha-ha-(sees everyone)-enh-enh. I'm so glad you guys are all
 here! My office finally got wrinkle free fax paper!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Phoebe, Chandler, Ross, and Monica are
 eating breakfast.]
 Joey: (entering, wearing a tux) Hey!
 Chandler: Oh no-no-no-no-no-no, vomit tux! No-no, vomit tux!
 Joey: Don't worry, I had it dry-cleaned.
 Monica: Vomit tux? Who vomited on y'know what, what you up to Joe?
 Joey: Well, I'm doing this telethon thing on TV and my agent got me a job as
 co-host!
 Monica: Oh that's great!
 Joey: A little uh, good deed for PBS and a little TV exposure, now that's the
 kind of math Joey likes to do!
 Phoebe: Ugh, PBS!
 Monica: What's wrong with PBS?
 Phoebe: Ugh, what's right with them?
 Joey: Why don't you like PBS, Pheebs?
 Phoebe: Okay, 'cause right after my mom killed herself, I was just in this
 really bad place, y'know personally. So, I just thought that it'd make me feel better if I
 wrote to Sesame Street, 'cause they were so nice when I was a little kid! No one
 ever wrote back.
 Chandler: Well y'know a lot of those Muppets don't have thumbs.
 Phoebe: All I got was a lousy key chain! And by that time I was living in a box.
 I didn't have keys!
 Joey: I'm sorry Pheebs, I just, y'know, I just wanted to do a good deed.
 Like-like you did with the babies.
 Phoebe: This isn't a good deed, you just wanted to get on TV! This is totally
 selfish.
 Joey: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What about you, having those babies for your brother?
 Talk about selfish!
 Phoebe: What-what are you talking about?!
 Joey: Well, yeah, it was a really nice thing and all, but it made you feel
 really good right?
 Phoebe: Yeah. So?
 Joey: It made you feel good, so that makes it selfish. Look, there's no
 unselfish good deeds, sorry.
 Phoebe: Yes there are! There are totally good deeds that are selfless.
 Joey: Well, may I ask for one example?
 Phoebe: Yeah, it's  Y'know there's no you may not!
 (They are standing on either side of Chandler as they discuss the point. Chandler,
 meanwhile, is disgusted with the whole argument.)
 Joey: That's because all people are selfish.
 Phoebe: Are you calling me selfish?!
 Joey: Are you calling you people? (Chandler rolls his eyes.) Yeah, well sorry to
 burst that bubble, Pheebs, but selfless good deeds don't exist. Okay? And you the deal on
 Santa Clause right?
 Phoebe: I'm gonna find a selfless good dead. I'm gonna beat you, you evil
 genius.
 (Ross's phone rings and he answers it.)
 Ross: (on phone) Hello.
 Emily: (on phone from London) Hello, Ross?
 Ross: Emily? Emily! Oh my God! Oh my God, it's Emily! (He picks up a lamp and
 hands it to Chandler, for no reason.) It's Emily everyone! Shush-shush-shhst! (to Emily)
 Hi!
 Emily: Ross, I'm only ringing to say stop harassing my relatives. Good-bye!


Ross: No wait! Look, wait! Okay, you can hang up, but I'm gonna keep calling!
 I'm gonna, I'm gonna call everyone in England if that's what it takes to get you to talk
 to me!
 Emily: Really? About what?
 Ross: Look you're my wife. We're-we're married. Y'know? I-I love you. I-I really
 miss you.
 Emily: I miss you to. Well, at least I think I do.
 Ross: (to the gang, whispering) She's talking.
 All: (subdued) Yay! (He motions for them to keep quiet, including Chandler who
 is still holding the lamp Ross handed him, before he goes off to talk to Emily in
 private.)
 Phoebe: Hey, Joey, when you said the deal with Santa Clause, you meant?
 Joey: That he doesn't exist.
 Phoebe: Right. (She turns and opens her eyes in shock.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.]
 Rachel: So Chandler, have you heard about Monica's secret boyfriend?
 Chandler: Uhh, yeah. She uh, she uh, she uh might've mentioned him.
 Rachel: So Mon, when are we gonna meet this new secret waiter man?
 Monica: Ohh, he's really shy. I-I don't think he's up to meeting everyone
 yet.
 Chandler: Yeah, I don't think he's up to meeting everyone yet.
 Rachel: I don't care! I wanna meet this guy who's the best sex she ever
 had!
 (Chandler is quite pleased with that statement.)
 Chandler: Really?! That's what you heard? (To Monica) You said that?
 Monica: I might've said that. (Chandler laughs.) Why is that funny?
 Chandler: Because I'm very happy for him! (To Monica) And you, you lucky
 dog!
 Ross: (entering) Hi!
 Monica: Hey!
 Ross: Well, Emily's willing to work on the relationship.
 Chandler: Yes!
 Monica: That's great!
 Ross: In London!
 Monica: What?!
 Ross: She wants me to move to London.
 Monica: But you live here! (Ross rolls his eyes.) You know that.
 Rachel: What-what-what are you gonna do?
 Ross: I bet if I talk to Carol and Susan I can convince them to move to London
 with Ben.
 Monica: Yeah, I'm sure your ex-wife will be more than happy to move to another
 country so you can patch things up with your new wife.
 Ross: It could happen.
 [Scene: Unitel Video, Studio 55, Joey's telethon, he is being shown around by the stage
 director.]
 Joey: (To the pledge volunteers) How ya doin'? Welcome. Good to see ya!
 Stage Director: This will be your phone.
 Joey: That's great. But uh, I'm not really expecting a lot of calls.
 Stage Director: No you answer it and take pledges.
 Joey: But I'm the host!
 Stage Director: No, Gary Collins is the host. You'll be answering the phones.
 Joey: You don't seem to understand. See, I was Dr. Drake Remoray.
 Stage Director: Well, here's your phone doctor. (She walks away.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica are there.]
 Phoebe: I cannot believe I can't find a selfless good deed! Y'know that old guy
 that lives next to me? Well, I snuck over there and-and raked up all the leaves on his
 front stoop. But he caught me and force-fed me cider and cookies. Then I felt wonderful.
 That old jackass!
 Rachel: Maybe Joey's right. Maybe all good deeds are selfish.
 Phoebe: I will find a selfless good deed! 'Cause I just gave birth to three
 children and I will not let them be raised in a world where Joey is right!
 Chandler: (entering) Hey, Monica? Can I ask you a cooking question?
 Monica: Sure!
 Chandler: If you're cooking on the stove, does that mean that your new secret
 boyfriend is better in bed than Richard?
 Rachel: Chandler! (Pause) Is he?
 Monica: Well, y'know I-I-I think I'm gonna respect the privacy of my new secret
 boyfriend.
 Chandler: Why?! I mean if this guy was me and it was me who had
 learned that it was me who was the best you'd ever had, I'd be going like this. (He
 jumps up onto the table and starts doing his happy dance.)
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, he's on the phone with Emily.]
 Ross: All right Emily, as much as I love you, I'm sorry, I can't move to London
 without Ben.
 Emily: I understand that would be difficult.
 Ross: Yeah, would you please consider moving here? I mean you were gonna
 move here anyway, why can't you just do that?
 Emily: I don't know, it's just
 Ross: Oh-oh-okay, but-but I know, that even though I've been a-a complete
 idiot up 'til now, I mean, I mean you-you-you have to come here. You have to come here so
 we can work this out.
 Emily: All right.
 Ross: All right, did you just say all right?
 Emily: I did. Now I'm the idiot.
 Ross: Oh, Emily that is, that is so great. It's gonna be so great! We're gonna
 be like-like-like two idiots in love!
 (She laughs.)
 Emily: Ross, there's one thing that really scares me still.


Ross: Yes, tell me.
 Emily: Well, you have to understand how humiliating it was for me up on that
 altar in front of my entire family, all my friends.
 Ross: I know. I am, I am so sorry.
 Emily: And then after decided to forgive you, seeing you at the airport catching
 our plane with her.
 Ross: Again, very sorry.
 Emily: I mean, I can't-I can't be in the same room as her! It drives me mad just
 thinking of you being in the same room as her!
 Ross: Emily, there is nothing between Rachel and me. Okay? I love you.
 Emily: All right. I'll come to New York and we'll try and make this work.
 Ross: Oh that is so great! That's
 Emily: (interrupting him) As long as you don't see Rachel anymore.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is telling Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler about Emily's
 ultimatum.]
 Ross: So I asked Emily if she would come to New York, and she said yes.
 Chandler: Yes!
 Phoebe: Ooh-ohh!
 Monica: Great!
 Ross: No-no-no! Only if I promise never to see Rachel again.
 Phoebe: Why?
 Monica: What?! You can't what did you tell her?
 Ross: I told her I'd have to think about it. I mean, how the hell am I supposed
 to make this kind of a decision? (They're all quiet.) I'm actually asking you!
 Chandler: Well, you can't just not see Rachel anymore, she's one of your best
 friends.
 Monica: Yeah! But, he can't not exactly see Emily, I mean that's his wife.
 Phoebe: Yeah.
 Chandler: That's true!
 Phoebe: Yeah, but you've known Rachel since High School and you cannot just cut
 her out of your life.
 Chandler: That's true!
 Monica: No, you cannot.
 Ross: Thanks for the help, problem solved. (Wipes his hands.)
 (The phone rings.)
 Monica: (answering it) Hello.
 Joey: (on phone) Hey Mon!
 Monica: Oh hey Joey! We've been watching all day, when are you gonna be on TV?
 Joey: See, there was kind of a mix up in my agent's office, but I'm still on TV
 and that's good exposure.
 Monica: (Looking at the TV) You're not on TV.
 Joey: Oh, uh, okay, how, how about now? (He waves his hand in front of the woman
 next to him and you can now see his arm on TV.)
 Chandler: Hey, there he is! There he is!
 Joey: Hello New York! (The woman bats his hand out of the way.)
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the chick and the duck are watching Emeril Live, a cooking
 show.]
 Emeril: (on TV.) Now maybe you just like wanna but the whole duck in there! Who
 cares, y'know? Now I got the legs
 (Chandler enters and sees what they're watching, panics, and runs to turn off the TV.)
 Chandler: How many times have I told you guys, you never watch the
 cooking channel!
 Monica: (entering) Hi Chandler.
 Chandler: Hey!
 Monica: Uh, listen, I need that broiling pan that Joey borrowed the other day.
 Chandler: Oh that was yours? Uh, yeah, we used it when the duck was throwing up
 caterpillars.
 Monica: William Sonoma, fall catalog, Page 27.
 Chandler: Expect it in 4-6 weeks. (She starts to leave.) Umm, hey, umm, Joey's
 gonna be at the telethon for the rest of the day, we have the whole place to ourselves.
 Monica: Yeah, so?
 Chandler: Well I just, thought maybe you'd wanna book some time with the best
 you'd ever had.
 Monica: Y'know what, champ? I think I'll pass.
 Chandler: Why?
 Monica: Why? (She hops into the living room and imitates Chandler's happy
 dance.)
 Chandler: What's your point?
 [Scene: The Telethon, Joey's phone rings and he answers it.]
 Joey: (in a bored voice) PBS telethon.
 Phoebe: (on phone from Central Perk) Hey Joey, I just wanted to let you know
 that I found a selfless good deed. I just went down to the park and I let a bee sting me.
 Joey: What?! What good is that gonna do anybody?
 Phoebe: Well, it helps the bee look tough in front of his bee friends. The bee
 is happy and I am definitely not.
 Joey: Now, y'know the bee probably died after he stung ya.
 Phoebe: (Thinks for a moment.) Aw, dammit! (Slams the phone down.)
 Stage Director: Back on in 30 seconds people!
 (Joey gets up and moves to the other end of his row to talk to the guy sitting there.)
 Joey: Hey, excuse me, would you mind switching with me?
 PBS Volunteer: Hey, no way, I'm in the shot man.
 Joey: Come on man! You've been here all day!
 PBS Volunteer: Yeah, I-I'm taking pledges here, eh?
 Stage Director: We're on in 3, 2, (points to Gary Collins.)
 Gary Collins: Welcome back to our fall telethon. Now if you've been enjoying the
 performance of Cirque Du Soleil, (As he is speaking, Joey and the volunteer
 getting into a shoving match.) and you'd like to see more of the same kind of programming,
 it's very simple. All you have to do (Joey is knocked down.) is call in your pledge and at
 that time tell the operator, one of our volunteers, what kind of programming you'd like
 to  (Just as the volunteer sits down, Joey pulls him to the ground.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe are cooking, Chandler is reading a
 magazine.]


Ross: (entering) Okay, that's it. I cannot make this decision! It is too
 difficult, so I'm just gonna leave it entirely to the gods of fate. (He holds up and
 starts shaking a )
 Monica: A Magic Eight ball?! You can't be serious, you can't make this decision
 with a toy!
 Phoebe: Ooh, it's not a toy.
 Ross: Well, I don't know what else to do. I mean, I either keep my wife and lose
 one of my-my-my best friends or I keep my friend and get divorced the second time before
 I'm 30! So-so if anyone has-has a better suggestion, let's hear it! 'Cause I-I got
 nothing! All right, don't be shy, any suggestion will do. (There are none.) Okay then.
 Here we go. Magic 8 Ball, should I never see Rachel again? (He turns it over and reads the
 answer) Ask again later. Later is not good enough. (He shakes it up again and reads the
 answer.) Ask again later. What the hell! This is broken! It-it is broken!
 Monica: All right, let me see. (She grabs the 8 ball.) Will Chandler have sex
 tonight? (Reads the answer.) Don't count on it. Seems like it works to me.
 [Scene: The Telethon, Joey answers his ringing phone.]
 Joey: (in an unenthusiastic voice) PBS Telethon.
 Phoebe: (on phone) Hi Joey.
 Joey: Hey Pheebs!
 Phoebe: I would like to make a pledge. I would like to donate $200.
 Joey: $200? Are you sure Pheebs? I mean, after what Sesame Street did to
 ya?
 Phoebe: Oh, I'm still mad at them but I also now that they bring happiness to
 lots of kids who's moms didn't kill themselves, so by supporting them, I'm doing a good
 thing, but I'm not happy about it. So there, a selfless good deed.
 Joey: And you don't a little good about donating the money?
 Phoebe: No, it sucks. I was saving up to buy a hamster.
 Joey: A hamster? What, those things are like 10 bucks.
 Phoebe: Yeah, not the one I had my eye on.
 Gary Collins: (on TV.) It looks like we have surpassed last year's pledge total!
 Thank you viewers! The pledge that did it was taken by one of our volunteers (He
 walks over to where Joey is sitting.) Oh boy! And may I say one of our sharpest dressed
 volunteers, (Joey stands up.) Mr. Joseph Tribbiani!
 Phoebe: Oh, look-look, Joey's on TV! Isn't that great? My pledge got Joey on TV!
 Oh that makes me feel Oh no! (Realizes that her deed made her happy and therefore
 it's selfish and covers her mouth in horror.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later that day. Monica is coming out of the bathroom
 carrying her cleaning gear.]
 Chandler: (entering) Look, maybe I got carried away before. But there's
 something you gotta know. If I'm the best, it's only because you've made me the best.
 Monica: Keep talking.
 Chandler: I mean I was nothing before you. Call the other girls and ask. Which
 wouldn't take long. But when I'm with you, and we're together, OH MY GOD.
 Monica: Really?
 Chandler: Oh-aw my God! Now, I understand if you never want to sleep with me
 again, but that would be wrong. We're too good! We owe it, to sex!
 Monica: Well, if we owe it? (She throws down her cleaning stuff and jumps into
 his arms.) Oh my  When is Joey gonna be home?
 Chandler: Well, I was kinda hoping we could do this without him. (She starts to
 take off her latex gloves.) Oh no-no-no, leave the gloves on.
 Monica: But, I just cleaned the bathroom.
 Chandler: Yeah, why don't we lose the gloves.
 Monica: Yeah. (She takes them off.)
 (He carries her over to the door and opens it.)
 Chandler: All right, let's show them how it's done.
 Monica: Okay.
 (He starts to carry her into the hallway but hits her head on the door.)
 Monica: Ow!
 Chandler: Y'know that wasn't part of it?
 Monica: I know!
 (He carries her into the hall.)
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is prying at the Magic 8 Ball with a screwdriver as
 there's a knock on his door which he goes to answer.]
 Rachel: (entering) Hi! Are you ready? We're gonna be late!
 Ross: For what?
 Rachel: For Stella! Remember? She's gettin' her grove back in like 20 minutes.
 Ross: Yeah, I uh, totally forgot about that. You mind if I take a rain check?
 I'm waiting for a call from Emily.
 Rachel: Sure. I guess. Hey, I hear you don't have to go to London. Yay!
 Ross: It's not that easy, there's still a lot of relationship stuff.
 Rachel: Like what?
 Ross: Just stuff. Y'know kinda what Emily wants.
 Rachel: Well, why don't you talk to me about it, maybe I can help.
 Ross: No. No. You-you can't help. I mean, I kinda have to do this without your
 help.
 Rachel: Well, I-I know you can do that too. I'm just, I'm just saying if you
 need somebody to talk to  Hi!


 The One With All the Kips
 The One With All the Kips
 Written by: Scott Silveri
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, 3:02 A.M., Chandler is up. There's a knock on the door and
 Chandler answers it.]
 Monica: (quietly) Hi!
 Chandler: (quietly) Hi! (They both start kissing.)
 (Joey enters and Chandler pushes her away.)
 Joey: Monica? What time is it?
 Chandler: Uhh, 9. (He pushes the clock into the sink.)
 Joey: But it's dark out.
 Monica: Well that's because you always sleep to noon, silly! This is what 9
 looks like.
 Joey: I guess I'll get washed up then. Watch that sunrise. (He goes into the
 bathroom.)
 Monica: I'm really getting tired of sneaking around.
 Chandler: I know, me too. Hey! Y'know what if we went away for a whole weekend?
 Y'know we'd have no interruptions and we could be naked the entire time.
 Monica: All weekend? That's a whole lotta naked.
 Chandler: Yeah, I can say that I have a conference and you can say you have a
 chef thing.
 Monica: Ohh, I've always wanted to go to this culinary fair that they have in
 Jersey!
 Chandler: Okay, y'know your not though. Let's go. (He starts for his bedroom.)
 Monica: Wait! What about Joey?
 (Chandler opens the bathroom door to reveal Joey passed out on the toilet with a
 toothbrush in his mouth.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are eating
 breakfast.]
 Monica: (entering from her room) Hey, guess what I'm doing this weekend! I'm
 going to this culinary fair in New Jersey.
 Phoebe: Oh weird, Chandler just told us he's got a conference there!
 Monica: Oh now that-that-that's funny, it seems like Chandler's conference
 could've been in Connecticut or Vermont.
 Chandler: I'm not in charge of where the conference is held. Do you want people
 to think it's a fake conference? It's a real conference.
 Ross: (entering) Hey.
 Joey: Hey!
 Monica: Hey.
 Ross: Is Rachel here? I gotta talk to her.
 Monica: No, she's out shopping.
 Ross: Damn!
 Chandler: What's going on?
 Ross: I told Emily to come. And I just need to y'know, talk to Rachel about it.
 Phoebe: Wait a minute! So when Emily comes you're just, you're not gonna see
 Rachel anymore?
 Ross: Well look, I'm just trying to focus on the 'I get to see my
 wife,' part, all right? And not the part that makes me do this. (He takes a big swig
 of Pepto Bismol.)
 Monica: Wow, so you guys are, you're never gonna be in the same room together?
 How is that even gonna work?
 Ross: I have no idea. I mean  But-but I assure you I will figure it out.
 (They all reflect briefly on what was said.)
 Joey: Doesn't seem like it's going to work, I mean
 Rachel: (entering) Hi, guys!
 Joey: Hi!
 Chandler: Uh, hey!
 Rachel: What's going on?
 Chandler: We're flipping Monica's mattress.
 Joey: So I'm thinking, basically we pick it up and then we flip it.
 Phoebe: Yeah that's better than my way.
 (They all agree and head to Monica's room.)
 Rachel: Oh okay, hey guys, would you flip mine too?
 Chandler: Aww, man! (They go into Monica's room.)
 Rachel: (going through the mail) Oh look! A letter from my mom.
 Ross: So, Rach, y'know-y'know how Emily's coming right?
 Rachel: Oh yeah! I know.
 [Cut to Monica's bedroom, Chandler is trying to listen through the door.]
 Phoebe: (To Chandler) Can you hear anything?
 Chandler: Oh yes, somebody just said, 'Can you hear anything?'
 (Joey is bent over at the waist and is looking for something under Monica's bed.)
 Monica: Hey, Joey's ass! What are you doing?
 Joey: (holding a box) Well, remember when they got in that big fight and broke
 up and we were all stuck in her with no food or anything? Well, when Ross said Rachel at
 the wedding, I figured it was gonna happen again, so I hid this in here.
 Monica: Ooh, candy bars, crossword puzzles
 Phoebe: Ooh, Madlibs, mine! (Grabs it.)
 Chandler: Condoms?
 Joey: You don't know how long we're gonna be in here! We may have to
 repopulate the Earth.
 Chandler: And condoms are the way to do that?
 [Cut to the living room.]
 Ross: Anyway it-it kinda-it all boils down to this, the last time I talked to
 Emily
 Rachel: (interrupting) Oh my God! My dog died!
 Ross: What?!
 Rachel: Oh my God, Le Poo, our dog!
 Ross: Le Poo's still alive?!
 Rachel: Oh God, it says he was hit by an ice cream truck and dragged for
 nine-(turns over the note)-teen blocks. Oh. (They all come out from Monica's bedroom) Oh
 my God.
 Monica: Sweetie, we heard you crying. Please don't cry.
 Rachel: It's Le Poo.
 Phoebe: I know it's le poo right now, but it'll get better.
 [Scene: Atlantic City, New Jersey, Chandler and Monica are about to start their weekend
 of sex, sex, nothing but sex.]


Chandler: (jumping on the bed) I can't believe it! We're here!
 Monica: Ooh, chocolates on the pillows! I love that!
 Chandler: Oh, you should live with Joey, Roll-os everywhere.
 Monica: Come here. (He does, and they kiss.) Okay, be right back.
 (Goes to the bathroom and Chandler turns on the TV and finds a high-speed police
 chase.)
 Chandler: Oh yes! Monica, get in here! There's a high-speed car chase on!
 (Monica returns, carrying a glass.)
 Monica: We're switching rooms.
 Chandler: (looks at what she's holding and shies away) Oh dear God, they gave us
 glasses!
 Monica: No, they gave us glasses with lipstick on them! I mean, if they didn't
 change the glasses, who knows what else they didn't change. (He glares at her.) Come on
 sweetie, I just want this weekend to be perfect, I mean we can change rooms, can't we?
 Chandler: Okay, but let's do it now though, because Chopper 5 just lost it's
 feed! (He grabs their bags and sprints out.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is trying to tell Rachel about Emily's ultimatum again.]
 Ross: Hey, so uh, y'know how there's something I wanted to talk to you about?
 Rachel: Oh yeah! (Turns to face him.)
 Ross: Well, y'know how I'm trying to work things out with Emily. Well, there's
 this one thing  Okay, (Rachel has her back turned to the camera, and Ross isn't
 looking at her.) here goes. I made a promise that-(they cut to the other camera and Ross
 notices something coming out of Rachel's nose)-Oh hey!
 Rachel: What?
 Ross: You're nose is bleeding!
 Rachel: Oh God. (He hands her some tissues.) No! Oh not again! (Wiping her
 nose.) This-this happened when my grandfather died. It's ugh! Sorry. (She puts her head
 back.) Oh, okay, so I'm sorry, what-what were you-what did you want to tell me?
 Ross: Umm  (Rachel blows her nose.)
 Rachel: Sorry. Sorry.
 Ross: Okay, I uh, I can't see you anymore.
 Rachel: Yeah, I know. It's ridiculous! I can't see you either.
 [Scene: Chandler and Monica's weekend, a hotel clerk is showing them their new room.]
 Hotel Clerk: I think you'll find this room more to your liking.
 Chandler: Okay, great. (He grabs the remote and turns on the TV to the chase.)
 Hotel Clerk: (watching the chase) They say he's only got half a tank left.
 Chandler: Half a tank? We still got a lot of high-speed chasing to do!
 Monica: We're switching rooms again.
 Chandler: What? Why?
 Monica: This is a garden view room, and we paid for an ocean view room.
 Hotel Clerk: Our last ocean view room was unacceptable to you.
 Monica: (To Chandler) Excuse me, umm, can I talk to you over here for just a
 second?
 Chandler: Uh-huh. (He doesn't take his eyes off the TV.)
 Monica: Chandler!
 Chandler: (turning to face her) Yeah.
 Monica: Look, these clowns are trying to take us for a ride and I'm not gonna
 let 'em! And we're not a couple of suckers!
 Chandler: I hear ya, Mugsy! But look, all these rooms are fine okay? Can you
 just pick one so I can watch-(realizes)-have a perfect, magical weekend together with you.
 [Time lapse, Monica and Chandler have changed rooms yet again.]
 Monica: Okay, this one I like!
 Chandler: (watching TV, in fact, ER is on.) Nothing! It's over! Dammit! This is
 regularly scheduled programming!
 Monica: Can we turn the TV off? Okay? Do we really want to spend the entire
 weekend like this?
 Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, am I getting in the way of all the room switching fun?
 Monica: Hey, don't blame me for wigging tonight!
 Chandler: Oh, who should I blame? The nice bell man who had to drag out luggage
 to 10 different rooms?
 Monica: I don't know, how about the idiot who thought he could drive from Albany
 to Canada on a half a tank of gas!
 Chandler: Do not speak ill of the dead.
 Monica: We're supposed to uh, be spending a romantic weekend together, it-it,
 what is the matter with you?
 Chandler: I just want to watch a little television. What is the big deal? Geez,
 relax mom.
 Monica: What did you say?
 Chandler: I said, 'Geez, relax Monnnnn.'
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is reading a magazine and has two tissues stuck up
 her nose in an attempt to stop the bleeding and as she hears Ross enter, she quickly hides
 her face behind the magazine and removes the tissues.]
 Rachel: Hi!
 Ross: Hey. Rachel, I-I-I've been wanting to tell you something for a while now
 and I really, I just have to get it out.
 Rachel: Okay, what's up?
 Ross: Okay, y'know how you told me I should do whatever it takes to fix my
 marriage?
 Rachel: Yeah, I told you to give Emily whatever she wants.
 Ross: And while that was good advice, you should know that what-what she
 wants
 Rachel: Yeah?


Ross:  is for me not to see you anymore.
 Rachel: That's crazy! You can't do that! What are you going to tell her? (Pause)
 (Realizes) Oh God. Ohh, you already agreed to this, haven't you?
 Ross: It's awful I know, I mean, I feel terrible but I have to do this if I want
 my marriage to work. And I do, I have to make this marriage work. I have too. But
 the good thing is we can still see each other until she gets here.
 Rachel: Ohh! Lucky me! Oh my God! That is good news, Ross! I think that's
 the best news I've heard since Le Poo died!
 Ross: You have no idea what a nightmare this has been. This is so hard.
 Rachel: Oh yeah, really? Is it Ross? Yeah? Okay, well let me make this a just a
 little bit easier for you.
 Ross: What are you doing?
 Rachel: Storming out!
 Ross: Rachel, this is your apartment.
 Rachel: Yeah, well that's how mad I am!!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is returning from his disastrous weekend. He
 throws his bag down and sits down on one of the leather chairs, but he sits on something
 and picks it up and throws it away.]
 Chandler: Damn Rollos!
 Joey: Hey, you're back!
 Chandler: Hey.
 Joey: How was your conference?
 Chandler: It was terrible. I fought with (Pause) my colleagues y'know, the
 entire time. Are you kidding with this? (Throws away another Rollo)
 Joey: Oh, so your weekend was a total bust?
 Chandler: Uh, no, I got to see Donald Trump waiting for an elevator.
 Monica: (entering) Hi!
 Joey: Hey, you're back too!
 Monica: Yeah. Umm, Chandler can I talk to you outside for a second?
 Joey: Hey, how was your chef thing?
 Monica: Oh, it was awful. (To Chandler) I guess some people just don't
 appreciate really good food.
 Chandler: Well, maybe it was the kind of food that tasted good at first but then
 made everybody vomit and have diarrhea.
 Monica: Chandler! (Motions for him to come outside.)
 Chandler: Monica. (Follows her out.)
 [In the hall.]
 Monica: Okay, I'd like to know how much the room was because I'd like to pay my
 half.
 Chandler: Okay, fine, $300.
 Monica: 300 dollars?!
 Chandler: Yeah, just think of it as $25 per room!
 Monica: Urghh!!
 Joey: (sticking his head out the door) What are you guys woofing about?
 Monica: Chandler stole a twenty from my purse!
 Joey: Nooooo!!! Y'know what? Now that I think about it, I constantly find myself
 without twenties and you always have lots!
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is drinking some Alka-Seltzer. The rest of the gang,
 minus Rachel is there as well.]
 Ross: You should've seen the look on her face. I don't want Rachel to hate me! I
 don't know what to do.
 Joey: You want my advice?
 Ross: Yes! Please!
 Joey: You're not gonna like it.
 Ross: That's okay.
 Joey: You got married to fast.
 Ross: That's not advice!
 Joey: I told ya.
 Ross: I'm going to the bathroom. (Gets up and exits.)
 Joey: Man, if anyone asked me to give up any of you, I couldn't do it.
 Chandler and Phoebe: Yeah, me either.
 Monica: Maybe I could do it.
 Rachel: (entering) Hi!
 Joey: Hi, Rach.
 Chandler: Hi!
 Phoebe: Hey.
 Monica: Hey.
 Rachel: Look, I know you guys heard about the whole thing with me and Ross but
 y'know, I've been obsessing about it all day and I'd just love not to talk about
 it. All right?
 Joey: I-I-I don't know if this falls under this category, but uh, Ross is right
 back there. (Points over his shoulder.)
 Rachel: That's not Ross!
 Phoebe: Oh no! Not that guy! He does look like him though.
 Chandler: Okay, Ross is in the bathroom.
 Rachel: Oh my God, its happening. It's already started. I'm Kip.
 Joey: Hey, you're not Kip!
 Rachel: (To Joey) Do you even know who Kip is?
 Joey: Who cares? You're Rachel! (To Chandler) Who's Kip?
 Chandler: Kip, my old roommate, y'know we all used to hang out together.
 Joey: Oh, that poor bastard.
 Rachel: See? Yeah, you told me the story. He and Monica dated when they broke up
 they couldn't even be in the same room together and you all promised that you would stay
 his friend and what happened? He got phased out!
 Monica: You're not gonna be phased out!
 Rachel: Well, of course I am! It's not gonna happen to Ross! He's your brother.
 (To Chandler) He's your old college roommate. Ugh, it was just a matter of time before
 someone had to leave the group. I just always assumed Phoebe would be the one to go.
 Phoebe: Ehh!!
 Rachel: Honey, come on! You live far away! You're not related. You lift right
 out.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching TV.]


Chandler: (entering) Hey!
 Joey: Hey, Mr. Bing. That uh, hotel you stayed at called. Said someone left an
 eyelash curler in your room.
 Chandler: Yes that was mine.
 Joey: 'Cause I figured you'd hooked up with some girl and she'd left it there.
 Chandler: Yes that would have made more sense.
 Joey: Y'know, I-I don't even feel like I know you anymore man! All right, look,
 I'm just gonna ask you this one time. And whatever you say, I'll believe ya. (Pause.) Were
 you, or were you not on a gay cruise?!
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on couch and Rachel is getting some coffee.
 Phoebe keeps turning her head from to keep from looking at Rachel.]
 Rachel: Phoebe? (She turns her head further away.) I'm sorry about the whole
 lifting out thing. (Moves over next to her.) You gotta come with me!
 Phoebe: Come where?
 Rachel: Wherever I go. Come on you and me, we'll-we'll start a new group, we're
 the best ones.
 Phoebe: Okay, but try and get Joey too.
 Ross: (entering) Pheebs, you mind if I speak to Rachel alone for a sec?
 Phoebe: Oh, sure! (She gets up to leave.) Bye Ross! (Whispering behind his
 back.) Forever.
 Ross: Hi.
 Rachel: Hi. What are you doing here? Isn't this against the rules?
 Ross: I talked to Monica, look, I'm the one who made the choice. I'm the
 one who's making things change, so I should be the one to y'know, step back.
 Rachel: Oh, Ross
 Ross: No, no, it's okay. Really. They're plenty of people who just see their
 sisters at Thanksgiving and just see their college roommates at reunions and just see Joey
 at Burger King. So is, is that better?
 Rachel: No, it's not better. I still don't get to see you.
 Ross: Well, what-what would you do? Rach, if you were me, what-what would you
 do?
 Rachel: Well, for starters I would've said the right name at my wedding!
 Ross: I can't believe this is happening.
 Rachel: I know.
 Ross: I am so sorry.
 Rachel: I know that too.
 Joey: (entering) (He clears his throat to get their attention.) Hey, Rach? Sorry
 to interrupt but umm, Phoebe wanted me to talk to you about a trip or something.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is doing a crossword puzzle.]
 Chandler: (entering) Hey!
 Monica: Hi.
 Chandler: I just came over to drop off nothing. So that weekend kinda
 sucked, huh?
 Monica: Yeah, it did.
 Chandler: So, I guess this is over.
 Monica: What?
 Chandler: Well, y'know, you and me, it had to end sometime.
 Monica: Why, exactly?
 Chandler: Because of the weekend, we had a fight.
 Monica: Chandler that's crazy! If you give up every time you'd have a fight with
 someone you'd never be with anyone longer than Ohhh! (They both realize something
 there.)
 Chandler: So, this isn't over?
 Monica: (laughs) You are so cute! No. No, it was a fight. You deal with it and
 move on! It's nothing to freak out about.
 Chandler: Really? Okay. Great!
 Monica: Ohh, welcome to an adult relationship! (She goes to kiss him.)
 Chandler: (stops her) We're in a relationship?
 Monica: I'm afraid so.
 Chandler: Okay.
 (They kiss.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, Joey, and Chandler are there as Phoebe
 enters.]
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Monica: Hey!
 Phoebe: Oh hey, Monica, I heard you saw Donald Trump at your convention.
 Monica: Yeah, I saw him waiting for an elevator.
 (Joey thinks that sounds familiar, but dismisses the thought.)
 Monica: Hey, Rach, can I borrow your eyelash curler, I think I lost mine.
 Rachel: Yeah, it's in there. (Points to the bathroom.)
 (Joey puts two and two together.)
 Joey: (shocked) Oh! Ohh! Oh!!
 Chandler: Joey, can I talk to you for a second? (He grabs him and starts to drag
 Joey into Monica's room.)
 Joey: Oohh!! Ohh! Oh-oh-oh! Oh-oh!!
 (Chandler pushes him through the door and Monica closes it behind them.)
 [Cut to Monica's room, Chandler tackles Joey onto her bed and tries to cover his
 mouth.]
 Joey: Ohhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
 Chandler: Yes. Yes. (Lets him up.)
 Joey: (To Chandler) You?! (To Monica) And-and you?!
 Monica: Yes, but you cannot tell anyone! No one knows!
 Joey: How?! When?!
 Chandler: It happened in London.
 Joey: IN LONDON!!!
 Chandler: The reason we didn't tell anyone was because we didn't want to make a
 big deal out of it.
 Joey: But it is a big deal!! I have to tell someone!
 (They both grab him and stop him.)
 Chandler: No-no-no-no-no! You can't!
 Monica: Please? Please?! We just don't want to deal with telling everyone, okay?
 Just promise you won't tell.
 (Joey thinks it over.)
 Joey: All right! Man, this is unbelievable! I mean, it's great, but
 Monica: I know, it's great!
 (She goes over and kisses Chandler.)
 Joey: Aww, I don't want to see that!
 [Cut to Phoebe and Rachel.]


 The One With The Yeti
 The One With The Yeti
 Written by: Alexa Junge
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Monica and Chandler are making out on one of the chairs.]
 Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!! None of that, not while you're living
 under my roof!
 Monica: What?!
 Joey: Look, just because I know about you two, doesn't mean I like
 looking at it.
 Chandler: Aren't you supposed to be at an audition for another hour?
 Joey: Well, I'm sorry if I'm not a middle-aged black woman! (Starts for his
 room.) And I'm also sorry if sometimes I go to the wrong audition! Okay, look, if I
 have to pretend I don't know about you two, then you two are gonna have to pretend there's
 nothing to know about.
 Chandler and Monica: Okay.
 Monica: Sorry.
 Chandler: Sorry.
 (They wait for Joey to go into his room and close the door and then start making out
 again.)
 Joey: (from the bedroom) I can hear that!
 Monica: (To Chandler) Rachel's at work.
 (They both go to her apartment.)
 (Pause.)
 Joey: I can still hear you!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, and Monica are there as Phoebe enters carrying a
 large box.]
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Joey: Hey!
 Chandler: Hello!
 Monica: Hey, what's that?
 Phoebe: Yeah, my mom sent me a family heirloom that once belonged to my
 grandmother. Can you believe it?! A year ago I didn't even have a family, and now I have
 heirlooms for crying out loud.
 (She puts her leg up on the chair and removes this huge knife from her boot to open the
 box with. The guys are shocked at the knife's existence.)
 Phoebe: Eeeee-(She opens the box and removes its contents and sees that it's a
 fur coat.)-ohh!! God! (She throws it at Joey.)
 Joey: Argh-argh!! (Catches the coat.) Ooh, soft. Is this mink?
 Phoebe: Yeah! Why would my mother send me a fur? Doesn't she know me but
 at all! Plus, I have a perfectly fine coat that no innocent animal suffered to make!
 Chandler: Yeah, just some 9-year-old Filipino kids who worked their fingers
 bloody for 12 cents an hour. (Phoebe stares at him wide-eyed. Chandler sees her reaction.)
 That didn't happen, I made that up!
 Ross: (entering) Hey!
 Gunther: Oh, Ross? Ross! You can't put up flyers in here.
 Ross: How come? Everybody else does.
 Gunther: You can't.
 Monica: What is that?
 Ross: Oh, umm, I'm just getting rid of a couple of things.
 Monica: (looking at the flyer) This is all of your things.
 Ross: Yes, yes it is! No, but it's good it's Emily thinks we should get all
 new stuff. Stuff that's just ours, together. Y'know brand new.
 Monica: So basically, this is a getting-rid-of-everything-Rachel-ever-used sale.
 Ross: Touched. Used. Sat on. Sleep on.
 Gunther: I'll take it all.
 Joey: Hey, Ross, you're okay with that?
 Ross: Look, if I can just do what Emily wants and get her to New York,
 I'm sure everything will be fine.
 Chandler: Okay, but don't you think this is a little extreme?
 Ross: After what I did? Can you blame her?
 Phoebe: Oh my God! You got off easy! When my friend Silvie's husband said
 someone else's name in bed, she cursed him and turned his thingy green.
 (Ross suddenly gets up and heads for the bathroom.)
 Joey: (after Ross is gone) What is he doing? What, Emily, thinks Ross's
 furniture has got Rachel coodies?
 Monica: Now calm down Joey.
 Joey: No! Everything's gettin' all messed up, y'know? Emily won't let Ross see
 Rachel, we're not gonna stop seeing Rachel, hence Ross stops seeing us!
 Phoebe: Oh, I hate this. Everything's changing.
 Chandler: Yeah I know, we're losing Ross, Joey said hence
 Monica: Look, I'm not happy about this either, but y'know if-if Ross says he's
 happy then we're just gonna have to keep our feelings about Emily to ourselves. Are you
 cool with that?
 Joey: No! But y'know, I'm an actor, I'll act cool.
 [Scene: The Storage Room in the basement of Monica and Rachel's building, Monica and
 Rachel are looking for something.]
 Rachel: Ohh, whoa God! Storage rooms give me the creeps! Monica, come on please
 hurry up honey! Please?
 Monica: Rachel, if you want the little round waffles, you gotta have to wait
 until I find the little waffle iron.
 Rachel: I want the little round waffles.
 Monica: All right. (Looking through a box.) Op, here it is! Right underneath the
 can of-of bug bomb. I wonder if the best place to put something that cooks food is
 underneath the can of poison?
 (The single light flickers and goes out. Leaving the room in total darkness.)
 Rachel: Okay, y'know what? I'll-I'll have toast!
 (She starts to run out but is stopped by a figure looming out of the darkness carrying
 a pick axe.)
 Rachel: Arghhhh!!!!!!
 (They both start screaming at the top of their lungs.)


Monica: Oh my God! Fog him! Fog him!
 (Rachel grabs the bug bomb, activates it, throws it at the figure, and they both run
 out through the fog.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are there.]
 Phoebe: I don't know what I'm gonna do about this coat.
 Joey: I'll take it!
 Phoebe: That might work! (She gives him the coat.)
 Joey: Ooh-ooh-ooh, yeah! (He drapes it around his shoulders.) Enh? All right,
 what do you think?
 Chandler: You're on in 5 Ms. Minnelli.
 Ross: (on the phone) No-no-no, it's just a bit sudden. (Listens) No, it's great.
 Okay? I'm totally on board. I love you too, all righty. Bye. (Hangs up.)
 Joey: What's the matter Ross?
 Ross: Nothing. Oh, actually, great news! I just got off the phone with Emily and
 it looks like I'm moving to a new apartment. Woo-hoo!
 Phoebe: Why?
 Ross: Well, her thought is, and I agree, fresh new furniture, why not a fresh
 new apartment? Her cousin has this great place to sublet, it's got a view of the river on
 one side and Columbia on the other.
 Joey: That's way uptown! That's like three trains away! (Phoebe pinches him.)
 Which is great! I love to ride that rail!
 Chandler: So you're really okay with this?
 Ross: Yes! Yes! I mean it's-it's kinda far from work, but uh, y'know, I'll get
 so much done on the commute. I-I've been given the gift of time!
 Chandler: Now that's so funny, because last Christmas I got the gift of space.
 We should get them together and make a continuum.
 (Ross exits.)
 Joey: Now he's movin'? Man, what is Emily doing to him? (Phoebe pinches him
 again.) Ow!! He's not even here!!!
 (Monica and Rachel enter breathless.)
 Rachel: You guys! You guys!
 Monica: We were, we were just in the storage area and we saw this really creepy
 man!
 Rachel: It was like this crazy-eyed, hairy beast man! He was like a, like a
 bigfoot or a yeti or something!
 Monica: And he came at us with an axe, so Rachel had to use a bug bomb on him!
 Rachel: (proud of herself) Yeah, I-I-I just pulled the tab and I just fogged his
 yeti ass!
 Joey: Uhh, like dark hair, bushy beard?
 Rachel: Yeah!
 Joey: Yeah, you fogged Danny.
 Rachel: Please! We did not fog Danny! Who's Danny?
 Joey: Dan just moved in downstairs. Yeah, he just got back from like this
 four-month trek in the Andes. Nice fella.
 Monica: Oh he's nice. He's nice! Y'know, you always stick up for the people we
 fog!
 [Scene: Their Building, Monica and Rachel are going to apologize to Danny. Rachel
 knocks on his door, which he opens and he has this really bushy beard and long hair.
 Picture Paul Bunyan.]
 Danny: Yeah?
 Rachel: Hi! You might not remember us, but we are the girls that fogged
 you.
 Monica: We're-we're really sorry we fogged you.
 Danny: Okay.
 (He closes the door. Rachel's not happy with that and knocks again. He opens the door.)
 Rachel: Hi! Just so you know, we-we didn't mean to fog you, we thought
 you were like a yeti or something.
 Danny: Okay.
 (He closes the door again. Once again, Rachel knocks (harder this time) and he answers
 it.)
 Danny: Yesss?
 Rachel: Hi! Sorry to bother you, but I don't think we can accept your
 acceptance of our apology, it just doesn't really seem like you mean it.
 Monica: Yeah.
 Danny: O-kay!
 (He closes the door before Rachel can say anything.)
 Monica: Wow! That guy is so rude!
 Rachel: Really! What is with that guy? I mean you'd forgive me if I fogged you.
 Monica: Well you did a little bit.
 Rachel: Oh my God, honey, I'm so sorry!
 Monica: I totally forgive you!
 Rachel: Really?
 Monica: Yes!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is making a drink as Phoebe enters with the fur
 coat.]
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Monica: Hey!
 Phoebe: So listen, you know my friend Chris who owns the crematorium?
 Monica: Crematorium Chris? Sure!
 Phoebe: He says, that he would cremate my fur coat for free if I umm, y'know,
 bring in the next person I know who dies.
 (Rachel enters from the bathroom and sees the coat.)
 Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God, look at these pelts!
 Monica: Don't get too attached, she's having it cremated.
 Rachel: What? Uhh, Phoebe, honey, honey, I know you're quirky and I get a big
 kick out of it, we all do actually, but if you destroy a coat like this that is like a
 crime against nature! Not nature, fashion!
 Phoebe: This is fashion?! (Grabs the coat from Rachel.) Okay, so to you, death
 is fashion?! That's really funny. (She puts the coat on and starts to model it.) Here's
 Phoebe umm, sporting uh, y'know, cutting edge hairy carcass from y'know, the steal traps
 of wintry Russia. I mean, you really thing this looks good? (Sees herself in the
 mirror.) 'Cause I do.
 [Scene: Ross's Apartment, the gang is helping Ross move out by carrying boxes. Chandler
 has picked a particularly large and apparently heavy box, because he takes a running start
 at it and still can't budge it.]


Ross: (on phone) I know I miss you too. I can't wait to see you. I love you.
 Bye. (Hangs up.)
 Chandler: Okay, what is in here? Rocks?
 Ross: No-no, this is my collection of fossil samples.
 Chandler: So, rocks.
 (He picks up a smaller box and carries it to the moving van as Joey returns.)
 Ross: I'm really gonna miss this apartment. Y'know, Ben-Ben took his first steps
 right over there. (Points.)
 Joey: Ohh. Hey, remember when I ran into this thing (The shutters that close off
 the kitchen.) and it kinda knocked me out a little?
 Ross: I loved this place! To tell you the truth, I wish I didn't have to move.
 Joey: Uhh, are you saying that you're not entirely happy about this?
 Ross: Well, I mean if uh, if Emily gave me a choice
 Joey: You do have a choice!! Ross, why are you listening to her?! Are
 you, are you crazy?!
 Ross: Why?
 Joey: It's not right what Emily wants you to do! She is totally-(The gang enters
 behind Joey and Phoebe pinches him again.)-Owww!! Stop pinching me! Look, now you guys
 said I only had to keep my mouth shut as long as Ross was happy, right? Well he just told
 me that he's not entirely happy.
 Ross: What's going on?
 Joey: We all hate Emily!
 Phoebe: Nooo!!
 Monica: No, Ross, we do not hate Emily. We-we just, we just think that you're
 having to sacrifice a whole lot to make her happy.
 Joey: Yeah!
 Chandler: Look, we just think that maybe she's being a little unreasonable.
 Joey: Yes! Yes! Unreasonable!
 Ross: Unreasonable? How about we have this conversation when one of you guys
 gets married! You have no idea what it takes to make a marriage work! All right,
 it's about compromise! Do you always like it? No! Do you do it? Yes! Because it's not all
 laughing, happy, candy in the sky, drinking coffee at Central Perk all the time! It's real
 life, okay? It's what grown-ups do! (He storms out.)
 Phoebe: I think he's right. You guys hang out at the coffeehouse way too much.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler are recovering from Ross's
 rebuke.]
 Monica: God, I feel so guilty about Ross.
 Phoebe: Oh, I know.
 Joey: I kinda feel like it's my fault.
 (Monica and Chandler turn and stare at him.)
 Chandler: Kind of? If you just kept this to yourself none of this would've
 happened.
 Joey: Well, I'm keeping so many things to myself these days, something was bound
 to slip out! (He glares at Chandler.)
 Chandler: Well, I think it's very brave what you said.
 (Monica pats Joey on the shoulder.)
 Phoebe: All right, I can't sit here anymore. I have to walk places. (She puts on
 her fur coat.)
 Chandler: Pheebs, what are you doing with the coat? How about the whole animal
 rights thing?
 Phoebe: Well, I've been reading up and for your information, minks are not very
 nice. Okay, I admit it! I love this coat! Okay, I it's the best thing I've ever had
 wrapped around me, including Phil Huntley! (She starts to leave but stops and says to
 Monica.) Remember Phil Huntley? He was fine!
 [Scene: Their building's lobby, Danny is checking his mailbox as Rachel enters carrying
 shopping bags and goes to her mailbox. Danny has shaved his beard and cut his hair, Rachel
 doesn't recognize him.]
 Rachel: Hi!
 Danny: So you like the short hair better.
 Rachel: What? Yeti I mean Danny?
 Danny: I had to cut my hair to get rid of the uh, fogger smell.
 Rachel: Oh. Listen, I'm so sorry. I would, I would've never fogged you if y'know
 if you hadn't looked so . Y'know.
 Danny: Absolutely. Some people are just into appearances.
 Rachel: (shocked) What?
 Danny: That's cool. Cool. (Starts to leave.)
 Rachel: What? Hey! No-no-no! This not cool! You don't even know me!
 Danny: Come on, you got the shopping bags and the Sack's catalog.
 Rachel: So from that you think you've got me all figured out? Well, you don't!
 Y'know I-I could have toys for underprivileged kids in here!
 Danny: Do you?
 Rachel: Well, y'know, if-if kids like to play with Capri pants.
 Danny: Okay. (Heads for his apartment.)
 Rachel: And stop saying that! I hate that!
 Danny: Okay!
 (Rachel decides not to give up that easily and follows him to his apartment and bangs
 on the door, which he opens.)
 Rachel: Fine! I judged you. I made a snap judgement. But you did it too! And you
 are worse because you are sticking to your stupid snap judgement! You can't even open up
 your mind for a second to see if you're wrong! What does that say about you?
 Danny: The pizza-place across the street any good?
 Rachel: What?!
 Danny: I'm hungry. Wanna get some pizza? You can keep yelling if there's more.


Rachel: Okay. Okay.
 Danny: Stop saying that. I hate that.
 [Scene: Ross's now empty apartment, he is spackling some holes shut as the gang comes
 to apologize.]
 Chandler: Uh, Ross?
 Phoebe: Are you still mad at us?
 Ross: Yep.
 Phoebe: Oh good! Because we have an 'I'm sorry' song.
 Ross: Y'know what? I'm really not in the mood.
 Joey: Look, Ross, I feel really bad. I mean, you're going through all this stuff
 and I just acted like a jerk.
 Chandler: Yeah, we are so sorry.
 Phoebe: (To Chandler) You're kinda stepping on the song. (She gets ready to play
 but is stopped by )
 Joey: Look, we were way out of line, we totally support you.
 Monica: Whatever you decide, whatever you do.
 Phoebe: Okay, now you're just taking lines right out of the song!
 Ross: Look, this is hard enough! I really need you guys right now.
 Phoebe: Yes! Exactly! And that's why
 (She starts to play her song, but is stopped by Monica.)
 Monica: Why don't you come over tonight? And I'll make you favorite dinner.
 Ross: Okay. Thanks you guys. Pheebs are you wearing fur?
 Phoebe: Okay, let's get some perspective people; it's not like I'm wearing a
 seeing-eye dog coat!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang, minus Rachel, are getting ready for dinner.]
 Joey: Hey, y'know Ross, I think I kinda understand why I kinda lost it today.
 Ross: You do, huh?
 Joey: Yeah you see umm, well, I'm an actor. Right? So I gotta keep my emotions
 right at the surface y'know? See what I'm saying? I gotta lot of balls in the air. (Makes
 like he's juggling.) Y'know what I mean? It's tough! Guys like me, y'know, you wander
 around, you're alone
 Ross: What are you talking about?
 Joey: (thinks) I'm not sure.
 Rachel: (entering) Hi!
 Monica: Hey, look at you! Where have you been?
 Rachel: Oh, I went to have pizza. With Danny.
 Monica: How did that happen?
 Rachel: That yeti is one smooth talker.
 Monica: I hope you're not full, 'cause dinner's almost ready.
 Rachel: Yeah, y'know I-I think I'm just gonna hang out in my room.
 All: No! Why?
 Rachel: Come on you guys! Listen, if Emily knew I was here having dinner you
 with you she would flip out and you know it. It's okay, I really  I don't mind.
 Ross: Wait! Wait! Wait! Y'know what? Just stay. Please? It uh  It would
 really mean a lot to me if you stayed.
 Rachel: Ross, I
 Joey: RACHEL PLEASE!!! JUST HAVE DINNER WITH US!!!
 Rachel: Okay. Okay. Joey, it's okay. Settle down.
 Joey: All right, I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You see Rach I'm an actor
 [Time lapse, dinner is now finished and Ross is looking out the window.]
 Ross: Hey! Hey, look! Ugly Naked Guy's back!
 (They all run over to the window.)
 Rachel: I haven't seen him in so long!
 Phoebe: Oh God, I really missed that fat bastard!
 (Pause.)
 Monica: Wow, this is so weird. I just realized this might be the last time we'll
 all be hanging out together.
 Joey: It's almost as if he knew.
 (The phone rings.)
 Monica: I'll get it. (On phone.) Hello. (Listens.) Hi Emily! (Listens.) Yeah, uh
 you-you tracked him down. Hold on one second. (She hands the phone to Ross.)
 Ross: Hey! (Listens.) Yeah-yeah, we're just having dinner. (Listens.) Uh, yeah,
 sure uh hold on. (To the gang.) She wants to say hi. (To Emily) Hold on.
 (Ross puts her on speakerphone.)
 Phoebe: Hi Emily!
 Chandler: Hi!
 Emily: Hello everyone. So who am I saying hello too?
 Joey: Well uh, I don't know about who's here, but I can tell you for damn sure
 who's not here and that's Rachel!!
 Emily: (laughs) Well, I should hope not. Ross knows better than that by now.
 (Rachel waves her hands in disgust and starts to head for her room.)
 Ross: Y'know what? Uh, Rachel is here! (Rachel stops.)
 Emily: She's there?!
 Chandler: Oh yeah, there-there she is!
 Ross: Yeah, yeah, she's here.
 Emily: Ross, take me off speakerphone.
 (He does so.)
 Ross: (on phone) Hi.
 Emily: How can you do this too me?! I thought I'd made my feelings about Rachel
 perfectly clear!
 Ross: (going onto the patio) Look Emily, I'm just having dinner with my friends,
 okay?
 Emily: You obviously can't keep away from her.
 Ross: Emily that's ridiculous. Look, I'm-I'm moving for you, I'm cutting friends
 out of my life for you. Please, just get on the plane and come to New York. Okay, you'll
 see you're the only person I want to be with.
 Emily: I'll feel better when I'm there, and I can know where you are all the
 time.
 Ross: Well, you can't know where I am all the time. Look, this marriage is never
 gonna work if you don't trust me.
 Emily: You're right.
 Ross: So, can you trust me?
 (Pause.)
 Emily: No.
 (Ross lowers his head.)
 [Cut to the inside of the apartment.]


 The One Where Ross Moves In
 The One Where Ross Moves In
 Written by: Perry Rein & Gigi McCreery
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are there. Joey is looking at a National
 Geographic and giggling.]
 Chandler: Are you looking at naked tribe's women?
 Joey: No, look. (Shows him the magazine.)
 Chandler: That's a pig.
 Joey: I know, I know, but look at the knobs on her.
 (Ross enters and his hair is a mess.)
 Chandler: Hey! (Joey quickly hides the magazine under the couch.)
 Ross: Emily's cousin kicked me out!
 Chandler: What?!
 Joey: Why?
 Ross: Well, when you're subletting an apartment from your wife's cousin and then
 you get a divorce, sometimes the cousin suddenly wants his apartment back.
 Chandler: How can he do that? Didn't you sign a lease?
 Ross: Who needs a lease when it's family!
 Joey: Hey, you can stay with us! We'll take care of ya!
 Chandler: Oh, yeah! Absolutely! Anything you need man! But you have to promise
 me the second you are feeling better so that we can make fun of your hair!
 Joey: Yeah.
 Ross: You got it.
 Joey: Okay.
 Ross: Thanks you guys, I really appreciate this. All right, I'm gonna get
 packing again. Man, I've been moving around so much I'm beginning to feel like a nomad.
 (Joey starts giggling.)
 Ross: What?
 Chandler: He thought you said gonad.
 (Joey busts out laughing.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica's restaurant, she is getting inspected by the health department, Phoebe
 is watching.]
 Health Inspector: Wow, Monica, if every restaurant is as clean as yours, I'd have a
 tough time making a living.
 Monica: Oh, Larry.
 Phoebe: Umm, do health inspectors work on commission?
 Larry: No, bribes.
 (Phoebe laughs.)
 Phoebe: It's okay to laugh right?
 Larry: Yeah, I was just kidding.
 Phoebe: Okay. (She laughs harder.)
 Larry: I'll check the kitchen floors.
 Monica: Okay, knock yourself out, Larry.
 (He goes into the kitchen.)
 Phoebe: Yum-my!
 Monica: Larry?
 Phoebe: Oh yeah! I'd let him check out my kitchen floors.
 Larry: (entering) A 98. I deducted 2 points because you are not wearing your
 chef's hat, and that is a Section 5 violation.
 Monica: Uh, look, Larry honey, umm, I wrote the book on Section 5 and I know
 that you don't have to wear your hat unless you're in the kitchen.
 Larry: And where is your hat?
 Monica: It's in the kitchen, I'll go get it.
 (She heads for the kitchen door and just after she goes through the door )
 Larry: Ahh that's the 2 points.
 Phoebe: Hey, you should really read that book you wrote. (To Larry) Wow! You saw
 the hat in the kitchen and knew that she'd have to go in there hatless to get it.
 You can have your own health inspector detective show!
 Larry: Oh, I don't know about that.
 Phoebe: Yeah, but then I can be you sidekick Vunda.
 Larry: Maybe uh, Vunda could give me her number and I can ask her to dinner
 sometime.
 Phoebe: Okay, she would love that! Y'know, 'cause you know all the clean places
 to eat.
 Larry: I-I'll call ya.
 Phoebe: Okay.
 (Larry goes to leave but heads the wrong way and makes a quick sidestep to go out the
 right door.)
 Phoebe: He's so funny! (She imitates what he just did.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is serving Monica and Rachel.]
 Monica: Thanks.
 Rachel: Thank you. (To Monica) Mon?
 Monica: Hmm?
 Rachel: How's Ross doing? Y'know since all the Emily stuff.
 Monica: He's not great umm, but he's dealing with it. Oh wait a minute, you're
 not gonna try
 Rachel: Oh, honey, please, no, I can't get started with all that Ross stuff
 again. I mean, he's gonna screwed up for a looong time. And besides y'know, I don't, I
 don't go for guys right after they get divorced.
 Monica: Right, you only go for them 5 minutes before they get married.
 (Danny enters.)
 Danny: (To Gunther) Two pounds of Moca Java please.
 Monica: (To Monica) Danny. Are you guys ever gonna go out again?
 Rachel: I don't know! He hasn't called me since that one time when we went out.
 I see him in the hallway, we flirt, I'm all ha-ha-ha-ha, and nothing.
 Danny: (To them) Hey!
 Rachel: Hi Danny! (Notices his box of liquor he's carrying.) Wow! Thirsty huh?
 Danny: Uh, actually, actually, I'm having a party at my place on Saturday, it's
 sort of a house warming kind of thing.
 Monica: Ohh, fun!
 Rachel: Ohh, great!
 Danny: Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it.
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Danny: Okay, see ya. (Heads out.)
 Monica: Well, I guess we won't be warming his house.
 Rachel: (laughs) Okay. All right, I see what he's doing! He's not asking me out,
 because he wants me to ask him out.


Monica: And you're not gonna do that.
 Rachel: That's right! 'Cause that would give him the control! So now he's
 all ooh, coming up with this whole I've got a party thing y'know, trying to get me to hint
 around for an invitation. Blew up in his face, didn't it?
 Monica: So-so there is no party.
 Rachel: No, there's a party. There's a party. But the power, that is still up
 for grabs. You follow me?
 Monica: I think so. Se, he-he's not inviting you to his party because he likes
 you.
 Rachel: Exactly.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, they're entering to find boxes strewn about the
 apartment.]
 Joey: Ross?
 Ross: (entering from the bathroom) Hey roomies!
 Chandler: Love what you've done with the place.
 Ross: Oh, yeah I know, I know, it's a lot of boxes, but again I really
 appreciate you guys letting me stay here.
 Joey: Not a problem. And listen, hey! Since you're gonna be here for a while,
 why don't I was thinking we uh, put your name on the answering machine.
 Chandler: Oh yeah!
 Ross: Oh, I uh, hope you don't mind, I kinda uh, jazzed it up a little. Check
 this out. (He plays the greeting, and We Will Rock You starts to play and Ross's
 voice comes over it.) We will, we will, call you back!
 Joey: Hey, all right!
 Ross: Pretty cool, huh?
 (They both laugh as Ross heads back to the bathroom.)
 Joey: (To Chandler) You're fake laughing too, right?
 Chandler: Oh, the tears are real.
 [Scene: A restaurant, Phoebe and Larry are having dinner.]
 Larry: You look beautiful this evening.
 Phoebe: (smiles) Show me the badge again.
 (He looks around and flashes her his badge and she laughs.)
 Phoebe: Shiny.
 Larry: Oh, will you mind if I wash up? Because I came straight from work and who
 knows where these babies (Holds up his hands) have been.
 Phoebe: (laughing) You are just nonstop!
 (He goes to the bathroom and Phoebe puts some pepper and salt on her food. With the
 salt she takes a bit and throws it over her left shoulder as she faces us.)
 Larry: (coming back) We're outta here!
 Phoebe: Why?!
 Larry: Just walking past the kitchen I saw 10 violations! I'm shutting this
 place down!
 Phoebe: (awed) You have the power to do that?
 Larry: This does. (Shows her his badge.)
 Phoebe: (excited) Shut it down.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is entering. As he closes the door, Joey pokes
 his head up from a box enclosure built using the 2 chairs.]
 Joey: Hey.
 Chandler: What are you doing?
 Joey: Nothing.
 Chandler: You built a fort didn't ya?
 Joey: (smiles) Kinda.
 Chandler: (notices something) Oh my God, the air purifier! Ross's air purifier!
 All I heard through 4 years of college was (makes a humming noise.)
 Joey: Dude, you should've gone out once and a while.
 Chandler: I hate this thing!
 Joey: Come on, Chandler, Ross is our friend. He needs us right now, so why don't
 you be a grown up and come and watch some TV in the fort!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is opening the door.]
 Rachel: Oh, hi Danny.
 Danny: Hey guys, I just uh, wanted to invite you to the party tomorrow night.
 Monica: Oh, thanks! We'll try to stop by.
 Rachel: Uh, actually, I think I'm gonna be busy.
 Monica: You are?
 Rachel: Yeah! Remember I got that uh, gala.
 Danny: Yeah, what's the gala for?
 Rachel: It's a uh, regatta gala.
 Danny: Really! You-you sail?
 Rachel: No-no, but I support it.
 Danny: Okay, (To Monica) hope I see you tomorrow night.
 Monica: Okay.
 Danny: Take care. (Leaves.)
 Rachel: Okay. (Closes the door.) Walked right into that one didn't he?
 Monica: What one? You wanted him to invite you to the party and he did it!
 Rachel: Yeah, but he waited until the last minute! So if I said yes, he would
 know I had nothing better to do than wait around for an invitation to his stupid party. I
 said, 'No!' Which puts me right back in the driver seat.
 Monica: Great. So the ball is in his court?
 Rachel: Ball? There is no ball.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's and Ross's, Ross is working on his computer and Joey is
 making a lot of noise.]
 Ross: (glaring at him) Joey, please! (Motions to his computer.)
 Joey: Sorry.
 (Joey starts playing with a toy alligator and has it attack him.)
 Joey: Ahhhhhhhhhh
 (Notices Ross looking at him and stops. Ross gives him his 'quiet down' maneuver. Okay,
 this may take a while to explain, so center this on you screen and place your hands about
 a foot apart with your fingers together and pointing straight up. Now take you fingers and
 point them at the other hand and making a 90-degree angle with each of your hands and the
 first knuckle counting up from the wrist. Now take your right hand, no your other right
 (that was for the dyslexics), and lower it a couple of inches, so that the fingers are
 pointing at your wrist. Now take your arms and keeping the elbows bent and your hands in
 front of you spread out your arms, kinda like making a bird's wing. Now hunch your
 shoulders over and move you hands up and down as if you are trying to tell some one to
 turn it down. That's Ross 'quiet down' maneuver. Well, there is an accompanying face, but
 I don't want to try and describe it as well.)


Chandler: (entering) Hello children!
 Joey: Hey! Wanna play some foosball? Please?
 Chandler: Okay. (Starts to head for where the foosball table usually is.)
 Joey: No-no, no! We have to move the table into my room, yeah! 'Cause of all the
 boxes. Come on!
 (They go into his bedroom.)
 Joey: All right, I have one question. What is the deal with this?
 (Imitates Ross's 'quiet down' maneuver, but does move his hands up and down he just flaps
 his hands as if he's waving good-bye.)
 Chandler: Bye-bye little puppet Joey hand?
 Joey: No, the quiet down thing!
 Chandler: You mean this. (Does the maneuver perfectly.)
 Joey: Um-hmm! Look, I-I-I don't know how much more of this I can take! Did you
 know he taped over my Baywatch tape with some show about bugs! My God! What if that
 had been porn?
 Chandler: (gasps) All right look, y'know, this maybe tough but come on, this is
 Ross! I survived college with him!
 Joey: All right, I guess I can hold out a little longer. Let's have a game.
 Chandler: Okay.
 (They start playing.)
 Chandler: No-no-no-no!
 Joey: YES!!
 Ross: (entering) Uh fellas, (Does the maneuver and gives them a double thumbs
 up, which Chandler returns as he closes the door.)
 Chandler: Okay, so he's out of here.
 Joey: Um-hmm.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.]
 Joey: (entering) Hey!
 Monica: Hey!
 Joey: You guys got anything to eat? I just went down to Johnos for some chicken
 and it was closed!
 Phoebe: Oh, I took Larry there to eat but it was all violated. So we shut it
 down!
 Joey: Pheebs, if this guy keeps closing down all of our favorite places, where
 are we gonna eat?!
 Monica: I don't know, clean places?
 Joey: Umm, yum!
 (There's a knock on the door and Monica answers it.)
 Monica: (looking through the peephole) It's Danny.
 Rachel: Don't let him in! I'm supposed to be at a regatta gala.
 Monica: (to Danny) We'll be right there! (To Rachel) Can't you just say it
 starts later?
 Rachel: What? What kind of a regatta gala starts at night?!
 Monica: The fake kind!
 (She opens the door and Rachel hides behind it.)
 Danny: Hey, hi, I need a ladle. You got a ladle?
 Monica: We have a ladle. (Gives him one.)
 Danny: Thanks, see you at the party.
 Monica: Okay, great!
 (He leaves and she closes the door.)
 Phoebe: Hey, guys, you know what Larry would say? He would say, 'See you
 ladle.' (Laughs.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are there. Chandler and Joey are looking
 through the paper.]
 Chandler: Well, I-I-I'm done with this. You want anything Ross? Sports?
 International? Apartment listings?
 Ross: I'll take sports.
 Joey: Mine! (He grabs it.)
 Ross: All right. Uhh, international.
 Joey: Oh that's mine too! (Grabs it and Ross looks at him.) I'm Italian!
 Ross: Well, I guess I can check out those apartment listings, even though
 there's never anything in here.
 Chandler: Not even on page 7?
 Ross: (looks) Oh yeah! You're hey, you're right! Here's an affordable
 place, (reading ad) two bedroom, close to work, ooh, it's available in five weeks!
 Chandler: What about that circled one?
 Ross: Oh, I-I don't know, it's kind of expensive for a studio.
 Joey: But it's available now! Isn't it?
 Chandler: Yes, it is.
 Joey: Hey, let's go look at it! (They both jump up.)
 Ross: Okay, let's go.
 Joey: Okay!
 Chandler: There we go!
 Ross: Oh-oh-ooh, hey guys, I was wondering if you guys would uh, maybe chip in
 on some new air filters for the air purifier? I mean after all, we all are using it.
 Chandler: Let's go quicker.
 Joey: Yeah!
 [Scene: The apartment in the listing, the guys are checking it out. There's one problem
 though, it's roughly the size of this computer screen. As they enter Joey lets out a
 whistle.]
 Ross: Oh my God! (Looking around, which doesn't take him long.)
 Chandler: Yeah, well look at this kitchen, slash bathroom. Well that's great!
 Y'know so you can cook while in the tub.
 Joey: Somebody was using his head. Hey, let's check out the rest of the place.
 (They don't move, just look all around them.)
 Ross: I think this is it. I don't know, maybe we should keep looking.
 Joey: But hey, Ross, this place is available now!
 Chandler: Yeah, you don't want to be stuck with us for the next five weeks.
 Joey: Yeah.
 (He looks at them.)
 Ross: (To Joey) So, you-you think I should go ahead and take this place?
 Joey: Oh, it's perfect!
 Ross: (To Chandler) How about you?
 Chandler: It's a kitchen slash bathroom.
 Ross: All right, I see what you guys are saying. I'll uh, I'll go downstairs and
 fill out an application.
 (He exits.)


Chandler: We are bad people.
 Joey: He knew we were trying to get rid of him. He knew! (Pause.) You think we
 could get a bathtub in our kitchen?
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there waiting for Larry.]
 Larry: (entering) Hey, ready for dinner?
 Phoebe: Ooh, absolutely!
 Larry: Great! How about you wanted to go the Italian place down on Bleaker
 Street right?
 Phoebe: Ooh, I love that place! (Thinks about it.) So, no.
 Larry: How about Mama Lisettie's?
 Phoebe: Enh. Sure!
 Larry: (notices something) I wonder how long that milk (on the counter) has been
 setting out.
 Phoebe: Oh, no-no, this place is totally healthy! That this milk is mine. I
 bought this today, 'cause I was thirsty for milk, y'know. (She takes a swig of it, but has
 to turn away from him as she makes a face to show that it has gone bad.) Okay, let's go!
 (Just as they're about to leave, Gunther comes out of the back carrying two garbage
 bags. Larry sees this and stops him.)
 Larry: Hey, buddy! (Flashes his badge.) Are you familiar with Section 11-B of
 the Health Code that requires all refuse material out the back exit?
 Gunther: But then I'd have to go all the way around the dry cleaner place.
 Larry: Oh, so you're saying you'd choose convenience over health?!
 Phoebe: Okay, stop! Larry, okay, can't you just be Larry and not Larry the
 health inspector guy? Y'know I mean it was really exciting at first but now it's like,
 okay, so where are we gonna eat ever?
 Larry: Well, I suppose I could give him a warning.
 Phoebe: Thank you. (To Gunther, who's standing there frozen) Okay, go! Go! Go!
 (He runs off.) (To Larry) Now, if after dinner you still really need to bust someone, I
 know a hot dog vendor who picks his nose.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Joey are lamenting about how they kicked Ross
 out.]
 Joey: Maybe, maybe we did a good thing, helping Ross get back on his feet!
 Chandler: Yes that was a nice place!
 Joey: Yeah!
 Chandler: Not a lot of closet space, but he can just hang his stuff out the
 window in a bag!
 Joey: Yeah!
 (Pause.)
 Chandler: What are we gonna do?
 Joey: I don't know. Maybe pizza?
 Chandler: About Ross!
 Joey: Oh! Oh!
 (The phone rings and Joey answers it.)
 Joey: Hello! (Listens.) Oh yeah! (To Chandler) It's the apartment manager; Ross
 put us down as references. (To the apartment manager.) Ross is the greatest guy you'll
 ever meet! Yeah, he's very reliable.
 Chandler: (grabbing the phone) Of course he has this big huge dog! That uh,
 barks into the night. (Listens.) Well, who doesn't love dogs? (Thinks.) Ah, he's a tap
 dancer! (Listens.) Yes, some would say that is a lost art. (Thinks.) He's a pimp!
 (Listens.) There you go! Yes, he's a pimp. He's a big, tap dancing pimp! (Pause.) Hello?
 (The apartment manager hung up on him and he hangs up the phone and throws in on the
 chair. Joey motions, 'What the hell was that?' Chandler makes a face to say,
 'Think about it.' Joey tries to divide 136 by 13; he's confused. Suddenly, light
 dawns on yonder dunder head. He gets it.)
 Chandler: Ohhhhh!
 (Joey motions, 'Now, that's thinking!')
 [Scene: Downstairs at Danny's party, Monica and Rachel are coming down the stairs and
 Rachel has on a coat to make it look as if she's just getting back. But just as they reach
 the landing they see Danny out in the hall talking to a guest, Rachel then quickly pulls
 Monica back up the stairs.]
 Rachel: Shoot, shoot, this is never gonna work! He's right there!
 Monica: Just go over and say hi.
 Rachel: No, I have to go downstairs and come back up as if I'm coming home from
 the regatta gala. Okay? So just go distract him. But don't be sexy.
 (Monica obeys.)
 Monica: Hey, Danny!
 Danny: Hey! What's going on?
 Monica: (turns his back to the stairs) Oh, it's a great party! Great food.
 Y'know, most parties it's all chips and salsa, chips and salsa. (As she's saying this
 Rachel tries to head downstairs but is blocked by people coming upstairs. She quickly
 retreats back up the stairs.) (Sees that she has to keep him distracted longer.) So umm,
 what's this? (Points to his plate.)
 Danny: Salad.
 Monica: Ooooh! (Rachel now succeeds in getting downstairs.) And-and-and
 what-what's this? (Points again.)
 Danny: Bread. Aren't you a chef?
 (Rachel returns.)
 Monica: (upon seeing Rachel she points) Oh.
 Danny: Hey! Rachel!
 Rachel: Hey! Oh right, tonight was your party.
 Danny: Oh wow, you look great! Glad you could make it.
 Rachel: Oh well, y'know, the gala had to end sometime.
 Danny: Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back. (He heads off.)
 Rachel: Yeah, sure. (To Monica) All right, whose court is the ball in now?


 The One With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
 The One With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
 Written by: Greg Malins
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone has just finished Thanksgiving dinner and are
 groaning over their fullness.]
 Rachel: Oh Monica that was the best Thanksgiving dinner ever! I think you
 killed us.
 Ross: I couldn't possibly eat another bite.
 Joey: I need something sweet.
 Phoebe: Does anyone wanna watch TV?
 All: Yeah, sure.
 (She starts pushing the power button on the remote, but it's not facing the TV so it
 doesn't work.)
 Phoebe: Monica your remote doesn't work.
 Monica: Phoebe, you have to lift it and point.
 Phoebe: Oh. Aw, forget it.
 Rachel: Yeah, you know what we should all do? We should play that game where
 everyone says one thing that they're thankful for.
 Joey: Ooh-ooh, I! I am thankful for this beautiful fall we've been having.
 Monica: That's very nice.
 Chandler: That's sweet, Joey.
 Joey: Yeah, the other day I was at the bus-stop and this lovely fall breeze came
 in out of nowhere and blew this chick's skirt right up. Oh! Which reminds me, I'm also
 thankful for thongs. (Note: Actually, I think every guy is thankful for thongs.
 That and spandex. J )
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier. Joey is talking about the wonder
 that is the thong.]
 Joey: I mean, it's not so much an underpant as it is a feat of engineering. I
 mean, it's amazing how much they can do with so little material! And the way they play
 with your mind! Is it there? Is it not there?
 Chandler: Are you aware that you're still talking?
 Monica: Is anyone thankful for anything else besides a thong?
 Ross: Huh, I don't know what to pick. Am I more thankful for my divorce or my
 eviction? Hmm.
 Phoebe: Wow! See, and I didn't think you'd be able to come up with anything.
 Ross: I'm sorry. It's just that this is the worse Thanksgiving ever.
 Chandler: No-no-no! I am the king of bad Thanksgivings. You can't just
 swoop in here with your bad marriage and take that away from me.
 Rachel: Oh, you're not gonna tell the whole story about how your parents got
 divorced again are you?
 Ross: Oh God, no.
 Joey: Oh, come on! I wanna hear it! It wouldn't be Thanksgiving without Chandler
 bumming us out!
 Chandler: It's a tradition, like the parade. If the parade decided it was gay,
 moved out, and abandoned its entire family.
 (And with that, we start a series of flashbacks to Thanksgiving's of years gone by.)
 Thanksgiving 1978
 [Scene: The Bing household, Mr. and Mrs. Bing and Young Chandler are eating
 Thanksgiving dinner as a housekeeper serves them.]
 Mrs. Bing: Now Chandler dear, just because your father and I are getting a
 divorce it doesn't mean we don't love you. It just means he would rather sleep with the
 house-boy than me.
 The Housekeeper: More turkey Mr. Chandler? (And he makes eyes at him.)
 Present Day
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]
 Ross: You're right. Yours is worse. You are the king of bad Thanksgivings.
 Phoebe: I don't know about that. I've got one that's worse.
 Chandler: Really? Worse than, 'More turkey Mr. Chandler?'
 Phoebe: Oh, did the little rich boy have a problem with the butler? Yes, mine's
 worse!
 Thanksgiving 1862
 [Scene: A Union battlefield hospital, Phoebe, in a past life, is tending to a wounded
 Union soldier. (By the way, for historical perspective, 1862 was the second year of the
 American Civil War.)]
 Past Life Phoebe: More bandages! More bandages! Please, can I get some more
 bandages in here! This man is dying (She is cut off by an exploding shell just
 outside the tent. When the smoke clears, she's missing an arm and the blood is pumping out
 like you'd see in a horror movie. And upon seeing her condition, she says ) Oh no.
 Present Day
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]
 Ross: In this life, Phoebe.
 Phoebe: Oh, this life! Oh okay no, Chandler's is worse.
 Joey: Man, it must be so cool remembering stuff like that! I don't have any past
 life memories.
 Phoebe: Of course you don't sweetie. You're brand new.
 Rachel: I know Monica's worst Thanksgiving.
 Monica: Oh, let's not tell this story.
 All: Oh, come on!
 Phoebe: Oh no, I know! I know! It's the one where Joey got Monica's turkey stuck
 on his head!
 Rachel: What?! Joey got a turkey stuck on his head?!
 Joey: Hey, it's not like it sounds.
 Chandler: It's exactly like it sounds.
 Thanksgiving 1992
 [Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Phoebe is entering.]
 Joey: (muffled) Hello?
 Phoebe: (surprised) Hello?
 Joey: Phoebe?
 Phoebe: Joey? What's going on?
 Joey: Look. (He walks out of the bathroom with his head stuck in a huge turkey.)
 Phoebe: Oh my God!