 The One With Monica's Boots
 The One With Monica's Boots
 Teleplay by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones
 Story by: Robert Carlock
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is trying on a pair of new boots as Chandler
 enters.]
 Monica: Hey! So what do you think?
 Chandler: New haircut? (Monica nods  No.') Necklace? (No) Dress? (No)
 Boots? (Monica nods  Yes.') Boots!
 Monica: Yes! Now, they're a little more than I normally spend on
 boots or rent (Shows him the receipt.)
 Chandler: Oh my God!
 Monica: I know.
 Chandler: I'm gonna miss being able to afford food.
 Monica: I'm sorry, they just, they just look so good! And the saleswoman
 was looking at me like, 'Oh, these are way too expensive for you.'
 Chandler: She had a point. (Shows her the receipt.)
 Rachel: (entering) Hi!
 Monica: Hey.
 Rachel: Oh my God! (Notices the boots) Oh Monica! Those boots are amazing!
 Monica: They're mine!
 Chandler: Yeah well, too bad we're gonna have to return them.
 Rachel: Return them?! Shh! They're gonna hear you!
 Monica: Honey, I'm not returning them. Okay? I mean I-I know they cost a
 lot, but I'm going to wear them all the time. You'll see. Besides, I love the
 compliments. I mean, have you ever had something so beautiful everyone wanted it?
 Chandler: I have you.
 Monica: Nice try; I'm keeping the boots.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are sitting on the couch and Ross is
 talking to Rachel's, who is now showing, stomach.]
 Ross: That's right, I love you! And-and I'm gonna play with you all
 the time.
 Phoebe: How can you let him talk to your crotch like that?
 Rachel: (pause) He's talking to the baby.
 Phoebe: Ohh! Okay! Okay, cause when-when he said, 'I can't wait to
 hear your first words,' I thought, 'There's a trick.'
 Rachel: Okay. Well, I gotta go you guys. I'll see you later.
 Phoebe: Okay.
 Ross: Bye.
 Rachel: Bye. (She gets up to leave but is stopped by Joey)
 Joey: Oh hey Rach, listen Hi!
 Rachel: Hi.
 Joey: Umm, can you do me a favor? I was talkin' to my sister and she knows
 you work at Ralph Lauren
 Rachel: No, forget it! No way! I am not sending anymore Ralph Lauren
 clothes to prison. It is a waste.
 Joey: No-no-no-no-no-no, not her, not her. My youngest sister, Dina, she's
 really interested in fashion, and she wants to talk to someone successful, y'know, to
 give her some advice.
 Rachel: I guess I can talk to one of my supervisors
 Joey: Oh no-no-no-no, she wants to talk to you!
 Rachel: Really?! Oh my God! I'm successful!
 Joey: Okay, so will you meet with her?
 Rachel: Yes! I'd love to! Have her come by the office.
 Joey: Great! Thanks! You're gonna love her so much. And Oh, she's
 the smartest of all the Tribbiani children. Hey, y'know the S.A.T's?
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Joey: She took  em!
 (Joey goes to get coffee and Rachel exits as the camera pans to Phoebe and Ross on the
 couch.)
 Phoebe: Hey Ross! Doesn't Ben go to the Smithfield Day School?
 Ross: Yeah. Why?
 Phoebe: Sting has a son that goes there too!
 Ross: Yeah I know; he's in Ben's class.
 Phoebe: You knew this and you never said anything?! With all the stupid dinosaur
 stuff you tell us?!
 Ross: Fine! No more dinosaur stuff! Can I talk about fossils? (Joey is about to
 sit down and hears this so instead he groans and exits.)
 Phoebe: Sting's son, seven years old and there's a picture.
 Ross: What are you reading? The Kidnappers Guide to Manhattan Private Schools?
 Phoebe: No, it's New York magazine. It's an article about the
 best schools in the city. So how well do you know Sting?
 Ross: Uh, I actually haven't even met him.
 Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah that's too bad. I really want to go to his concert
 Friday night, but it's totally sold out. I know! Why don't you meet him and get
 tickets?! If you get two I'll take you.
 Ross: Well actually, I'm picking Ben up tomorrow, maybe he'll be
 there.
 Phoebe: There you go! Oh, you are so lucky! You might actually get to meet Sting
 tomorrow! That's why you have kids!
 [Scene: Central Perk, the next day Rachel, Phoebe, and Chandler are there as Monica
 enters.]
 Monica: Hey guys!
 Chandler: Hey-hey.
 Rachel: Hi Monica!
 Monica: Hey. (Sits down on the arm of the couch.)
 Rachel: Hi boots.
 Monica: See Chandler? I'm getting a lot of use out of them already!
 They're very practical. See, you can wear them with dresses, with skirts, with
 pants
 Chandler: You can wear them with shorts on a street corner and earn the money to
 pay for them. (Goes and gets some coffee at the counter.)
 Phoebe: Wow! They're beautiful!
 Rachel: Ahh


Monica: (almost crying) They hurt so much!
 Phoebe: What?!
 Monica: The guy who made these hates feet and wants to see them die!
 Rachel: Well-well you can give them to me! I haven't felt my feet in years!
 Monica: I can't! I spent so much money on them and I told Chandler that
 I'd wear them all the time, I just can't give them away!
 Phoebe: Well then get your money back and return them!
 Monica: I can't do that either! The soles' are already a little
 scuffed up and the insides are filled with my blood.
 Ross: (entering) Hey!
 Chandler: (returning to his seat) Hey!
 Ross: Hey I uh just picked up Ben from school
 Chandler: (spinning around looking for him) I don't think you did a very
 thorough job!
 Ross: I dropped him off at Carol's. (To Phoebe) Anyway, it turns out that
 I'm not going to be able to get those tickets though.
 Phoebe: Oh no! Why not?
 Ross: Well it turns out that Ben and Sting's son do not get along.
 Phoebe: How come?!
 Ross: Apparently, Sting's son made fun of the fact that Ben's moms are
 lesbinims.
 Phoebe: Wait! But Ross if they don't get along then you should
 smooth things over. Make them be friends.
 Ross: Phoebe, you can't force kids to be friends.
 Phoebe: Sure you can! Give them some blocks, put them in a playpen!
 Ross: Playpen?! Ben's seven!
 Phoebe: Your kid is seven?! (Ross nods, 'Yes.') (To the rest)
 He's really small. (To Ross) Please! Please get the tickets!
 Ross: Look I'm sorry Pheebs, I can't do it.
 Phoebe: Yes you can! Sting says so himself!
 Ross: What?
 Phoebe: (singing) Rosssss can!
 Ross: Look Phoebe, I'm sorry it's just
 Phoebe: (singing) Rossss can!
 Ross: Phoebe, I
 Phoebe: (singing) Rosss can! Give me the tickets! Ross can give me the
 tickets!!
 (Ross runs out to get the tickets.)
 [Scene: Rachel's Office, Joey has brought Dina to meet with Rachel.]
 Joey: (entering, with Dina) Here she is! Future fashion superstar!
 Rachel: Oh Joey, I'm hardly a
 Joey: My little sister Dina!
 Rachel: Right! Hi Dina!
 Dina: Hi.
 Rachel: Nice to meet you. (They shake hands.)
 Dina: Thanks so much for meetin' with me. Joey's told me so much about
 you!
 Joey: This is so exciting for her. Well, I'll let you two fash ists
 get down to business. (Exits.)
 Rachel: Okay. All right Dina, well let's talk about the different areas of
 fashion that you could get involved in. Let's see, there's design, but you may
 need a whole other degree for that. Uh, there's-there's sales, which is great
 because you get to travel
 Dina: I I don't care about fashion! I'm pregnant! And I know you
 are too, so you gotta help me!
 Rachel: (stunned) And there's marketing
 [Scene: The Hallway, Monica is returning, but before she enters the apartment she stops
 on the step and changes from wearing tennis shoes to the boots and she moans in pain as
 she puts each boot on.]
 Monica: (standing up) Ahhhhhhhh!
 Chandler: (opening the door) What's wrong?
 Monica: Oh nothing I'm just just was yawning. (Mimics the groan from
 before and stretches.)
 Chandler: Oh don't forget, my office holiday party is tonight. (They go
 into the apartment.)
 Monica: Honey, we don't really have to go to this thing tonight do we?
 Chandler: Now sweetie, I know you don't like my office parties, but you can
 wear your new boots. See? Every cloud has a supple leather lining.
 Monica: I-I don't-I don't think that I'm gonna wear the boots
 tonight.
 Chandler: Why not?
 Monica: Well y'know, I'm just-I'm just worried that bosses will
 see them and think they pay you too much money. Or! Or your assistant will see them
 and-and want a raise!
 Chandler: Do you think I work at some kind of boot pricing company?
 Monica: Anyway, I picked up this outfit that I want to wear and the, and the
 boots don't really go with it.
 Chandler: You said that you paid all that money because those boots go with
 skirts, dresses, and pants!
 Monica: Fine! If you want me to wear the boots, I'll wear the boots. In
 fact, I'll go into my room right now and y'know try the outfit on.
 Chandler: Okay.
 Monica: Okay? (She starts to walk which causes her to start crying) Ooo wee!
 Christmas party in my boots! (Runs into the bedroom and mixes saying  ow' with
 laughing.)
 [Scene: The Hallway, Rachel is about to enter her apartment with Dina to tell Joey the
 news.]
 Dina: I-I can't go in there. I can't tell him!
 Rachel: Honey, it's going to be okay. He's been incredibly supportive
 of me, and if he gets a little upset; that's what the meatball sub is for. (She gives
 Dina a sandwich wrapped in aluminum foil.)
 Dina: Thank you.
 Rachel: Okay.
 (They enter.)


Joey: Hey! It's my fashion girls! (They don't react.) What's
 wrong?
 Rachel: Honey, why don't you sit down? Dina has something that she wants to
 tell you.
 Joey: (concerned) Oh. What's, what's going on? Is it mom? Is she sick?
 Is it dad's heart? Is that a sandwich?
 Dina: Joe, mom and dad are fine
 Joey: Is that a sandwich?!
 Rachel: Joey there's something that you should know. Dina?
 Dina: I'm pregnant.
 Joey: (angrily) What?!
 Rachel: (To Dina) Now! Give him the sandwich! Give him the sandwich! (She
 quickly sets the sandwich in front of him.)
 Joey: Well obviously this is a mistake! You can't be pregnant! Because you
 have to have sex to get pregnant!
 Dina: Joe, I tried to wait until I was 25 like you did!
 Rachel: What?! Dina
 Joey: (to Rachel) Bub!!! (Points at her and quiets Rachel.) (To Dina) I
 can't believe this! You're the good one! You went to college! Both years! Who
 did this to you?!
 Dina: Bobby Corso, but he's a real nice guy. I like him a lot. He's
 real funny.
 Joey: You got pregnant for funny?! Dina if he's funny laugh!
 All right, I'll be back in a little while! You stay here!
 Dina: Why? Where are you going?
 Joey: I can't look at you right now! (Exits and slams the door behind him.)
 Dina: Wow.
 Rachel: I know.
 (Joey storms back in and covering his face so he doesn't see Dina grabs the
 sandwich and heads back out.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: The Midfield Day School, it's after school and Ben is taking a drink of
 water as Phoebe enters.]
 Phoebe: Oh, there you are Ben!
 Ben: Aunt Phoebe, what are you doing here?
 Phoebe: Well, I heard you're having a problem with one of the boys in your
 class. And so I thought I would just come down here and sit you both down, have a little
 talk and make it all okay. Now umm, the boy's name is Sting's son.
 Ben: Jack? I hate him! He's a jerk.
 Phoebe: Now Ben, sometimes people may seem like jerks on the outside, but they
 have famous fathers.
 Ben: I have to go. My friend Doug is waiting for me over there. (Goes over to
 Doug.)
 Phoebe: Him you're friends with. (Starts looking at the children trying to
 find Jack and a teacher notices her.)
 The Teacher: Excuse me. Can, can I help you with something?
 Phoebe: Yes! Yes you can, I'm looking for Jack's parents.
 The Teacher: Are you with one of the students?
 Phoebe: Uh-huh, I'm with Ben.
 The Teacher: Are you one of Ben's mothers?
 Phoebe: I am one of Ben's mothers. I'm a lesbian. It was, it was
 difficult coming out to my parents.
 The Teacher: Well hi, I'm Jenny Boone. I'm the new teacher here.
 Phoebe: Oh.
 The Teacher: I've only met your partner Carol.
 Phoebe: Ah! Okay so that would make me Susan.
 The Teacher: Right. Are you looking for Jack's parents to discuss the
 problems he's having with Ben? (Phoebe nods  Yes.') Yeah. Because I really
 do think the parents should sit down and have a conversation.
 Phoebe: Yeah! Let's do that!! That-that sounds good. We should sit down and
 talk, just me, my lover Carol, and the Stings. Umm, how-how will I get in touch with them?
 The Teacher: Oh, their number is on the contact sheet.
 Phoebe: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Umm, could-could I get a copy of that?  Cause Carol
 threw it out, she lost ours. She's such a scatterbrain, but man what a hot piece of
 ass.
 [Scene: A Street, Chandler and Monica are walking down the sidewalk after his office
 holiday party.]
 Chandler: Y'know, that party wasn't bad.
 Monica: Yeah! I didn't know there would be dancing. That was a fun
 surprise!
 Chandler: I don't see any uh, cabs. Maybe we should just walk?
 Monica: Oh no, we can't walk!
 Chandler: What honey, it's like fifteen blocks to the subway. Let's
 go.
 Monica: Hey! Do you think that we can get to the subway right there if we climb
 down through the manhole cover?
 Chandler: What's going on?
 Monica: I can't walk. Okay? Okay? These boots were a huge mistake!
 Chandler: What?
 Monica: Okay you were right! All right, I never should have bought them!
 They're killing me! One toe at a time!
 Chandler: So I was right. This is what it feels like to be right. (Pause)
 It's oddly unsettling.
 Monica: How are we gonna get home? Maybe a piggy-back ride?
 Chandler: Hop on.
 Monica: Okay. Wait, just give me a second, I need to just get my boots off
 first. (She starts taking them off.) Ah Ooh Oohh Ohh Oh
 God Ohh Oh Ohh Ohhhh
 Chandler: Honey, I know you're in pain right now, but I'm a little
 turned on.
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Dina and Rachel are reading pregnancy books, Dina Pregnancy
 for Dummies and Rachel something else.]
 Dina: Do you ever worry that you'll be walking and your baby will just like
 slip out?


Rachel: What college was that Dina?
 (Joey enters dragging a guy.)
 Dina: Oh my God! Bobby!
 Bobby: Hi Dina. Good to see you.
 Rachel: Joey, what are you doing?
 Joey: Just what needs to be done! Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to join
 this man and this woman
 Rachel: Oh Joey this is crazy!
 Joey: Don't interrupt me when I'm talkin' to God! Now where were
 we? Oh right, okay. Do you Dina, take this man
 Dina: No!
 Joey: Oh you'll take  em!
 Dina: No I won't!
 Joey: Hey! You don't get a say in this!
 Dina: Yes I do!
 Joey: Ahhh! I heard 'I do', we're halfway there! Okay! (To Bobby)
 You!
 Rachel: All right Joey! That is enough! (Grabs him and pulls him away from Bobby
 and Dina) Listen, as beautiful and moving as this ceremony is, it's not legal. Okay?
 They-they don't have a marriage license, they don't have any witnesses, and the
 groom only has on one shoe!
 Bobby: Yeah, he took the other one off and hit me with it.
 Joey: Well what am I supposed to do?
 Rachel: You're supposed to realize that they are adults! And that they can
 make their own decisions.
 Joey: No they can't! They were stupid enough to get knocked up!
 Rachel: Heyyyyy! Contraceptives are not always effective! (To Bobby and Dina)
 Right?
 Bobby: Yeah we kinda didn't use any
 Rachel: Oh, come on kids! A little help here!
 [Scene: Sting's Apartment, Phoebe has come to talk about Jack and is waiting for
 Sting's wife, Trudie Styler, to enter.]
 Phoebe: Wow! This place is incredible! (Gasps) Sting's pen that he
 gave to Phoebe. (Puts the pen in her purse and goes over to a floor-to-ceiling bookcase)
 Come on! Secret passageway! (Starts pulling books at random as Trudie enters.)
 Trudie Styler: Hi! (By the way, it's actually her.)
 Phoebe: Hi!
 Trudie Styler: I'm Trudie.
 Phoebe: Uh-huh.
 Trudie Styler: You must be Ben's mum.
 Phoebe: Why else would I be here?
 Trudie Styler: Do sit down.
 Phoebe: Uh-huh. (They go and sit down.)
 Trudie Styler: I gather Jack and Ben haven't been getting along lately.
 Phoebe: Yeah.
 Trudie Styler: I'm told there are two sides to this story, but all
 I've heard is that Ben's a bit of a poo-poo head.
 Phoebe: Umm, I'm sorry. Won't-won't Jack's father be joining
 us?
 Trudie Styler: Oh I'm sorry, Jack's father is not available.
 Phoebe: Uh-hmm. Okay. Well then, could we reschedule? For say, Friday night
 perhaps at 8 o'clock?
 Trudie Styler: Oh no, I know that wouldn't work. My husband's in
 concert.
 Phoebe: Concert. Yeah. That does put us in quite a pickle. Because you see
 I'm very busy before and after the concert, and he's obviously busy during.
 Trudie Styler: So, I guess you and I should talk about Jack and Ben right now.
 Phoebe: Unless! Unless umm, okay I-I would be willing to go to the concert, umm,
 all the while thinking about the children of course.
 Trudie Styler: Are you here for tickets?
 Phoebe: Oh, thank you. Four would be great.
 Trudie Styler: I'm not giving concert tickets to someone who'd use
 their son like this!
 Phoebe: Oh good! Then you're in luck! Ben's not my son!
 Trudie Styler: (stands up) Look, I've just pressed a button, triggering a
 silent alarm. Any minute now, the police will be here!
 Phoebe: The Police? Here? A reunion?! (She gets out her camera.)
 [Scene: The Street, Chandler is carrying Monica past a store window.]
 Chandler: Okay, ten blocks down. Five to go.
 Monica: (notices something in the window) Oh wait! Stop! Stop! Stop!
 Chandler: Oh I'm sorry! Do you need a break?
 Monica: My boots in tan! Hey! Can you get a little closer so I can see the
 price?
 Chandler: I can see it from right here. It'll cost you one husband.
 Monica: Okay, I'm sorry. I think I can walk the rest of the way now.
 Just-just give me my boots.
 Chandler: (pause) I don't have your boots.
 Monica: Well I don't have them either. Where are they?
 Chandler: Well, why don't you check in one of my saddlebags while I chew on
 a bale of hay!
 Monica: Okay. (She gets off him.) God well, we gotta go back and get them!
 Chandler: Honey, are you seriously ever gonna wear the boots again?
 Monica: Okay, I'm never gonna wear them again. I just didn't get a
 chance to say goodbye.
 Chandler: Y'know what? You can say goodbye to the tan ones.
 Monica: Okay. (Climbs back on his back.) All right.
 Chandler: Okay. (Moves closer to the window.)
 Monica: (to the boots) Bye boots Wait! Half off?! (Chandler runs off.)
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Rachel are still discussing Bobby and Dina's
 situation.]
 Rachel: Joey, just because they're not getting married doesn't mean
 this is going to be a disaster. Maybe they have a plan!


 The One With Ross' Big Step Forward
 The One With Ross' Big Step Forward
 Written by: Robert Carlock
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is looking around the shop as Phoebe returns from getting
 some more coffee.]
 Rachel: Phoebe?
 Phoebe: Yeah?
 Rachel: Look at that guy by the window, wow!
 Phoebe: He's awfully short and I think he's talking to himself. And to
 be completely honest, he's not that good in bed.
 Rachel: Oh, what is wrong with me lately? I mean it's like every guy I
 see I mean look here. (Points behind them) Look at that guy for example, I mean
 normally that's not someone I would-would be attracted to, but right now, with the
 way I'm feeling, all I want to do is rip off his sweatpants and fanny pack.
 Phoebe: Wait a second! This is about the fourth month of your pregnancy, right?
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Phoebe: This is completely normal, around the fourth month your hormones start
 going crazy.
 Rachel: Really?! So this has happened to you?
 Phoebe: Oh absolutely yeah! Oh and keep in mind, now, I was carrying triplets so
 in, y'know, medical terms I was-I was thrice as randy.
 Rachel: Wow! This explains so much! Last weekend, I went from store to store
 sitting on Santa's lap.
 Phoebe: Yeah. Yeah, I remember trying to steal a cardboard cutout of Evander
 Holyfield from a Foot Locker.
 Rachel: Ah.
 Phoebe: Yeah.
 Rachel: Well, y'know what? I go see my doctor tomorrow, I'll ask her
 about this. Maybe she can give me a pill or something.
 Phoebe: Yeah. Yeah, that's what you need a good pill.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are there as Mona enters.]
 Mona: Hey! (To Joey) Hey!
 Ross: Hi!
 Mona: Hi! Look! I got our pictures developed from Rockefeller Center.
 Ross: Oh great! Hey-hey Joey, do you want to check out pictures of me and Mona
 ice skating?
 Joey: Oh uh, ordinarily I would love too, but I am just swamped right now.
 (Brushes something off of his shirt and looks around, but doesn't move from his
 chair.)
 Ross: Hey where-where are the pictures that creepy pretzel vendor took of us
 together?
 Mona: Oh yeah, probably at the end. (Flips to the end.) Oh my God! He only took
 pictures of my breasts!
 Joey: I'm missin' picture time?! (Jumps over to look, Ross glares at
 him and he retreats.)
 Phoebe: (sitting down next to Ross) Y'know she has a face Ross!
 Mona: Okay. Okay, here's a good one of us.
 Ross: Wow! That is a good one! Wow, it looks like a, like a holiday card
 y'know, with the tree in the middle and the skaters and the snow.
 Mona: Y'know, every year I say I'm gonna send out holiday cards and I
 never do it. Do you wanna, do you wanna send this one out together?
 Ross: (pause) Together? Like-like to people?
 Mona: Yeah, y'know. Happy holidays from Mona and Ross. It'll be cute,
 okay?
 Ross: Okay. (Not happy about it.)
 Mona: Oh, I gotta get to work. So call me later?
 Ross: Uh sure, sure.
 Mona: Bye guys.
 Phoebe: Bye.
 (Mona exits.)
 Joey: (To Ross) Congratulations! You just got married!
 Ross: I know. Can you believe that?
 Phoebe: Wait, I'm-I'm sorry. What's the big deal about a holiday
 card?
 Ross: Married couples send out cards, families send out cards, people who have
 been dating for a couple of months do not send out cards! What-what is she crazy?!
 Joey: Hey-hey-hey, hey that's your wife you're talking about!
 [Scene: Chandler's Office, his boss Doug is entering, Monica is there as well.]
 Doug: Bing! Ho! And the Bing-ette!
 Chandler: Honey, you remember my boss Doug right?
 Monica: Yes, hi.
 Doug: Hi. So good news, the divorce is final. I signed the papers this A.M.
 Chandler: I didn't know you and Carol were getting divorced, I'm
 sorry.
 Doug: Sorry? Finally chewed my leg out of that bear trap. Hey, congratulations
 to you guys though!
 Monica: No leg-chewing for us sir.
 Doug: Oh well, give it time. So the divorce, the marriage, we've got a lot
 to celebrate. How about we all go out to dinner tomorrow night?
 Monica: I can't think of anything we're doing. (Quietly) Why
 can't I think of anything we're doing?
 Doug: Tomorrow night it is then, I should be out of court by six. They keep
 throwing these sexual harassment cases at me and I keep knocking them out of the park!
 Monica: Okay, I'll see you tomorrow! (Doug exits.) Just so you know,
 we're not seeing him tomorrow. (Chandler wonders why.) I-I cannot spend another
 evening with that man. Do you remember how he behaved at our wedding?
 Chandler: No.
 Monica: That's because he wasn't invited because of the way he behaved
 at our engagement party.
 Chandler: Oh yeah. Boy, urine cuts right through an ice sculpture
 doesn't it?
 [Scene: Ross's Apartment, there's a knock on the door and he opens it to Mona.]
 Mona: Hi!


Ross: Hey!
 Mona: Hey, I went by the photo shop, take a look, here is a mockup of our card.
 What do you think?
 Ross: Huh. Wow, this is great.
 Mona: Now, do you think it should say, 'Love Ross and Mona?'
 Ross: Well, we-we haven't said that to each other yet, but I guess its okay
 to say it to other people.
 Mona: How many did you want? I'm getting a hundred.
 Ross: A hundred?! Well, I-I guess I'll take a Mona, uh I-I'm
 not sure about the whole uh, card thing.
 Mona: Really? Why not?
 Ross: Sending out a holiday card, together, I mean I just don't know if
 we're really quite there yet.
 Mona: Oh y'know, I didn't think of it that way. You're right.
 You're right. So, can I ask you a question?
 Ross: Yeah.
 Mona: Where are we?
 Ross: Huh.
 Mona: Y'know, like where are we? Where is this relationship going?
 Ross: Hmm
 Mona: I mean I love spending time with you, y'know I just I hope
 we're moving forward. I mean, we should probably talk about that. Don't you
 think?
 (Pause.)
 Ross: Let's do the card!
 Mona: What?
 Ross: The card! I think we're there!
 Mona: Okay. I But I think we should still have this conversation.
 Ross: Really?! I mean, even with the card?
 [Scene: Rachel's Doctor's Office, she is waiting for her doctor as a nurse
 enters.]
 Nurse: Hi!
 Rachel: Hi!
 Nurse: Just so you know, Dr. Long can't be here today, she was called to
 the hospital, so Dr. Schiff will be seeing you.
 Rachel: Oh, okay. Hey, can I ask you a question? Was it me, or-or was the guy
 who took my blood sample really cute? Y'know who I'm talking about, bald
 haircut, hairy fingers  (Stops when she realizes it was her.)
 Dr. Schiff: (entering) Hi Rachel? I'm Dr. Schiff. (By the way, he's an
 attractive man.)
 Rachel: Yes, you are.
 Dr. Schiff: So, how's it going?
 Rachel: Oh, really, really good. But enough about me, come on! Where-where are
 you from? What do you do?
 Dr. Schiff: I'm a doctor.
 Rachel: Right! Right! I-I actually meant in your spare time, do you cook? Do you
 ski? Or do you just hang out with your wife or girlfriend?
 Dr. Schiff: Uh, I don't have a wife or girlfriend, but I do like to ski.
 Rachel: Oh, I love to ski! How amazing is this?!
 Dr. Schiff: So, are you experiencing any discomfort?
 Rachel: No. I'm very comfortable.
 Dr. Schiff: Any painful gas?
 Rachel: No! Shoot, Dr. Schiff what kind of question is that?!
 Dr. Schiff: Okay then, would you like to lie down on the table?
 Rachel: Well would you like me to lie down on the table?
 Dr. Schiff: I'm sorry, is there something going on here?
 Rachel: Do you feel it too?
 [Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are there as Rachel enters.]
 Rachel: Hi.
 Phoebe: Oh hey! So, how did your doctor's appointment go?
 Rachel: Well, let's see. Uh, they gave me cute doctor today and in the
 middle of the exam I put my pinky in his chin dimple.
 Phoebe: Oh my God.
 Monica: Why did you do that?
 Phoebe: Okay, remember that little problem I was having during my
 fourth month of
 pregnancy?
 Monica: Oh yeah, the Evander Holyfield phase. Oh man you were so hard up you
 practically came on to me.
 Phoebe: You wish.
 Monica: Hey, I could've had you if I wanted you.
 Phoebe: Oh yeah? Come and get it.
 Rachel: Okay, even this is turning me on!
 Ross: (entering) Hey!
 Rachel: Oh hey! Hey Ross! Hey how's it, how's it going with you and
 Mona? Are you guys still together?
 Ross: Oh yeah, yeah we're moving forward. You'll be getting our card!
 Monica: You and Mona are doing a holiday card together?
 Ross: Yeah, we're not just doing a card! Y'know, she-she also wants to
 have the conversation about where the relationship is going.
 Phoebe: Ugh! Women!
 Ross: I know! I know! Why do you guys need to have this conversation?! Huh? I
 mean no self-respecting man would ask a woman, 'So, where is this going?'
 Rachel: Uh Ross? You asked me that.
 Ross: Hey! You were a closed book! Okay? I'm not a mind reader! Besides, I
 hate those conversations. I'm horrible at them. Really! Maybe-maybe I need kind of a
 gesture. Y'know, something that says we're moving forward without having to talk
 about it.
 Monica: Like asking her to move in with you?
 Ross: Smaller than that.
 Monica: Making her a mixed tape?
 Ross: Uh, bigger than that.
 Phoebe: Give her a key to your apartment.
 Ross: Whoa-hello! We were closer with the mixed tape.
 Monica: All right. Have you said, 'I love you?' You could say, I love
 you.
 Ross: Yeah I-I don't-I don't think I'm quite there yet, but I
 could say I looove spending time with you.


Phoebe: No, we hate that.
 Monica: That is a slap in the face.
 Ross: Forget it. I-I Y'know what? I'll just have the
 conversation. I'll just say I like things the way they are, and hope for the best.
 What do you think Rach?
 Rachel: I think, if it was a little colder in here I could see your nipples
 through that sweater.
 [Scene: Chandler's Office, Doug is entering.]
 Doug: Bing! We're all set for tonight, 8 o'clock.
 Chandler: Oh uh, as it turns out, we can't do it. Monica has to work.
 Doug: Oh, my ex-wife didn't work, unless you call turning into her mother
 work. Fine. Tomorrow night then.
 Chandler: Oh uh well tomorrow's no good for her either.
 Doug: Oh? Why not?
 Chandler: It's the semi-finals of her botchy ball tournament.
 Doug: What's going on Bing? Does uh, your wife have a problem with me or
 something?
 Chandler: Well now-now you're just talking crazy.
 Doug: So why can't the three of us go out together?
 Chandler: Because uh we-we we split up. Monica and I split up. Hold
 me.
 Doug: Good God Bing I well I can't say I'm altogether surprised,
 I saw the way she looked at you, and there was no love there. And the way she looked at
 me, pure lust.
 Chandler: Y'know what would really help me through this tough time is
 choking something. Can I choke ya?
 Doug: Bing my boy, we're gonna get you over this. Now here's the plan,
 grab your coat, we're going to a strip club.
 Chandler: Oh no-no-no, Monica would freak. (Doug looks at him.) But to hell with
 that bitch.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is getting Mona some coffee.]
 Ross: Here we go. Mona umm, I think it's time we-we had a conversation
 about-about where things are with us.
 Mona: Yeah, I-I think I suggested that.
 Ross: Aw, we-we are so (Motions that they're connected.) So umm, well
 I-I-I like you and I-I love umm, y'know hanging out with you. And I mean-I'm
 having a lot of fun. (He pauses and thinks there might be more, but decides there
 isn't.)
 Mona: Okay.
 Ross: I mean, there's no point in spending time with someone if-if
 it's just fun. It's gotta be, it's gotta be going somewhere right? So
 where-where is it going? (Pause) Ah! That's-that's the real question. And-and
 the answer is is it's going somewhere fun. Now I-I know what you're
 thinking, fun was fine for you like ten years ago y'know, but you're-you're
 not getting any younger. No I mean No not you, not you, you you are
 getting younger. I mean you-you look like you're getting younger by the
 second What's your secret?
 Mona: I'm sorry, so umm, so where are we?
 Ross: Well, well to sum up, we're having fun, you look young.
 Mona: Okay
 Ross: But that's not enough. So  So here's a key to my
 apartment. (Hands her his key.)
 Mona: Really?!
 Ross: Really.
 Mona: You don't think this is too fast.
 (Ross groans no.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is telling Rachel and Monica about yet another mistake
 he's made with a woman.]
 Rachel: You gave her a key to your apartment?!
 Ross: Not just a key, I gave her the only key! I am now a homeless person in a
 very serious relationship.
 Phoebe: (entering with some guy) Hey. Ooh Ross! How'd the conversation go?
 Ross: Oh great, I live on the street.
 Phoebe: Where?! (Ross exits.)
 Rachel: Hey!
 Phoebe: Hi! Okay, Monica, Rachel, this is my friend Roger.
 Roger: Hey everybody.
 Monica: Hi Roger.
 Phoebe: So umm, I'm gonna get us some drinks. (To Rachel) Would you help me
 out?
 Rachel: Yeah. (They go into the kitchen.)
 Phoebe: Umm, he's here to have sex with you.
 Rachel: What?
 Phoebe: You're welcome.
 Rachel: Phoebe no!
 Phoebe: It's okay, he's a virgin.
 Monica: Rachel umm, I was just talking to this guy and I think he'll have
 sex with you.
 Phoebe: Yeah, okay let's leave these two alone.
 Rachel: No! I do not care what my hormones are doing, I am not going to just do
 it with some random guy!
 Phoebe: Fine! Then you tell Roger because he was really looking forward to this!
 (Phoebe exits.)
 [Scene: A Strip Club, Doug and Chandler are there.]
 Doug: Oh Bing, look at those twin sisters dancing together. Let me buy you a lap
 dance with those girls. Huh?
 Chandler: Oh that's all right sir, and that's just one girl.
 Doug: Bing What's this?! (Grabs his hand.)
 Chandler: It's a hand. It's a thing you use as a Jack and Coke
 holder.
 Doug: No, it's a wedding ring. You gotta get rid of it. We're gonna go
 to the East River right now and throw it in there!
 Chandler: Oh no-no-no!
 Doug: Oh yeah-yeah-yeah, y'know I did it and I felt a hell of a lot better
 and if you whip it just right you might hit a seagull in the head.
 [Scene: Ross's Apartment, a locksmith has finished changing the locks on Ross's
 door.]


 The One Where Joey Dates Rachel
 The One Where Joey Dates Rachel
 Written by: Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer
 Directed by: David Schwimmer
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are entering carrying groceries and
 find Phoebe already there standing in front of a huge object that has been gift wrapped.]
 Phoebe: Hey! I got you a present!!
 Chandler: Oh my goodness! Where did you hide it?
 Phoebe: I got it for your wedding and I ordered it weeks ago, and it finally got
 here!
 Chandler: Pheebs you didn't have to get us anything for our wedding you
 already sang
 Monica: (interrupting) I love it! It's huge!! Let's open it! Open it!!
 (Monica rips open the paper.)
 Phoebe: It's a Ms. Pac-Man machine!!
 Monica: Oh my God!
 Phoebe: I didn't know where to put it so I just left it here for now.
 Monica: Oh well, maybe we can put it in the guest bedroom.
 Chandler: Oh, okay.
 Monica: All right. (He goes to push it and it doesn't move.)
 Chandler: I kinda like it here.
 Phoebe: Do you really like it?
 Monica: Are you kidding?! I practically spent my entire childhood at the arcade!
 This is like Oh my, this is like my second favorite game!
 Phoebe: Oh really? What was your first?
 Monica: Well I-I really don't remember the name of it.
 Chandler: Well what did it do?
 Monica: Well, you just you put a quarter in and y'know pull-pull some
 handles and win like a candy bar or something.
 Chandler: A vending machine?
 Monica: Don't feel bad for me! I won like every time!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Rachel are there as Ross enters.]
 Ross: Hey! Oh, I'm so glad you guys are here. I've been dying to tell
 someone what happened in the Paleontology department today.
 Joey: (To Rachel) Do you think he saw us or can we still sneak out?
 Ross: Professor Neuman, the head of the department, so .
 Rachel: They made you head of the department!
 Ross: No, I get to teach one of his advanced classes! (Pause) Why didn't I
 get head of the department? (Goes and gets some coffee.)
 Joey: Oh! Hey Rach, listen umm
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Joey: I got a big date coming up, do you know a good restaurant?
 Rachel: Uh, Paul's Cafe. They got great food and it's really
 romantic.
 Joey: Ooh, great! Thanks!
 Rachel: Yeah! Oh, and then afterwards you can take her to the Four Seasons
 for drinks. Or you go downtown and listen to some jazz. Or dancing Oh! Take her
 dancing!
 Joey: You sure are naming a lot of ways to postpone sex, I'll tell ya
 Rachel: Ooh, I miss dating. Gettin' all dressed up and going to a fancy
 restaurant. I'm not gonna be able to do that for so long, and it's so much fun!
 I mean not that sitting at home worrying about giving birth to a sixteen pound baby is not
 fun.
 Joey: Hey, y'know what?
 Rachel: Huh?
 Joey: Why don't I take you out?
 Rachel: What?! Joey, you don't want to go on a date with a pregnant lady.
 Joey: Yes I do! And we're gonna go out, we're gonna have a good time,
 and take your mind off of childbirth and c-sections and-and giant baby heads stretching
 out
 Rachel: (interrupting) Okay! I'll go with ya! I'll go! I'll go
 with ya.
 Joey: I'll be fun.
 Rachel: All right?
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is watching Phoebe play Ms. Pac-Man.]
 Phoebe: No. No! Yes! Ahh. Oh, would you look at that Monica? I just knocked off
 all of your top scores, how sad.
 Monica: Okay, I'm next. (Phoebe starts another game.) Don't!
 Don't start another game! I said I'm next! Phoebe!
 Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't hear you over all the winning.
 Monica: Chandler! Phoebe's hogging the game!
 Chandler: Who cares? It's a stupid game.
 Monica: You only think it's stupid because you suck at it.
 Chandler: I don't suck. It's sucks. You suck.
 Phoebe: Wait okay, if this game is gonna cause problems between the two of you,
 then maybe I should just keep it.
 Monica: No! No-no! I love it! It is a great present! In fact, why don't you
 go home and wait for the thank you card?
 Chandler: Why do you want to play this game so bad?
 Phoebe: Yeah! It's not like it spits out a Clark bar after every
 game.
 Monica: Okay. Phoebe that's it. Come on, get out out of the chair. Get
 out! (She goes to move Phoebe, but Phoebe goes limp and Monica can't move her.) Oh
 come Phoebe!
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is getting ready for her date with Joey as there is a
 knock on the door.]
 Rachel: Joey? Could you get that? (There is no answer and she goes and opens the
 door to Joey.) What are you doing here? I thought you were in your room?


Joey: No, I'm picking you up for our date. These are for you. (Hands her
 some flowers.)
 Rachel: Ohh, Lilies. Joey, they're my favorite. Thank you.
 Joey: And, a brownie! (Hands her a bag with the brownie in it.) Well, half a
 brownie. Actually, it's just bag. It's been a long walk from the flower shop and
 I was startin' to feel faint so
 Rachel: Oh man! This is so great! I actually feel like I'm going on a real
 date! Although, I have a hint of morning sickness, and I'm wearing underwear that
 goes up to about (She snaps the waistband on her underwear that is just slightly
 below her breasts) there.
 Joey: Hey come on now, this is a real date. Uh, so nice place you got here.
 Foosball, huh? Pizza box. Oh, a subscription to Playboy, my kind of woman.
 Rachel: Yeah, actually that's my roommate's.
 Joey: I would like to meet him. He sounds like a stand up guy.
 Rachel: Ah yes, but he's very protective of me so you'd better watch
 yourself.
 Joey: Ah  Hey, so this roommate of yours is he good looking?
 Rachel: Hm-mmm.
 Joey: Oh yeah, it must be tough to keep your hands of him, huh?
 Rachel: (laughs) Yeah, but I'm pretty sure he's gay.
 Joey: No-no-no-no, he's not! No! Why are you trying to ruin the game? Come
 on!
 [Scene: N.Y.U, Ross is teaching a class.]
 Ross:  which brings us back, of course, to Greely's theory of dominance.
 (The bell rings.) Okay, that-that's all for today. Oh, uh does anyone know where the
 Freeman building is?
 Student: Yeah, it's the new building on Avenue A.
 Ross: What?! That-that's all the way cross town, I'm supposed to teach
 a graduate seminar there in ten minutes.
 Student: Ooh, dude. That's not gonna happen.
 (Ross grabs his things and runs to the door only to be blocked by his exiting
 students.)
 Ross: Move it! Move it! Move it!! Hey!!! I'm the teacher!!
 [Scene: The Freeman Building, Ross is entering his new class completely out of breath.]
 Ross: Hello. (He throws his jacket towards the coat rack and misses.) I'm
 sorry I'm a little late. Ah (Checks his watch) Whoa! A lot late. Let me
 start by uh, by introducing myself, I am Professor Geller. (The bell rings.) So to sum up,
 I'm Professor Geller. Good job today.
 [Scene: A Restaurant, a waitress is taking Joey and Rachel's dinner order.]
 Rachel: Now the filet mignon, what comes with that?
 Waitress: There's a side of steamed vegetables.
 Rachel: Emmm. Now, instead of the vegetables, is there anyway I can substitute
 the three-pound lobster?
 Joey: Y'know what? Bring her both, and I'll have the same. (The
 waitress leaves.)
 Rachel: Wow! This is shaping up to be a pretty good date Oh, I almost
 forgot. I didn't pay you the rent check.
 Joey: Oh whoa-whoa-whoa, no roommate stuff. Okay? We're on a date.
 Rachel: Okay. Wow! So I get to see what Joey Tribbiani is like on a date. So do
 you have any moves?
 Joey: No! No. Umm, just myself and if they don't like me for (Laughs.)
 I'm sorry I couldn't even get through that.
 Rachel: I knew it! I knew it. Come on tell me your moves.
 Joey: Oh alright. Umm, well, okay, I usually start by having a bottle of wine
 sent to my table from a fan.
 Rachel: Oh my God. And that works?!
 Joey: Well it does when you combine it with, 'This is so embarrassing, I
 just want to have a normal life!'
 Rachel: Oh, you poor little famous man.
 Joey: Oh okay, how about this one. I was gonna wait until the end of the night
 to kiss you, but you're so beautiful I don't think I can.
 Rachel: (looks interested) Oh my God! Wow! That was fantastic, I almost leaned
 in. I really almost did!
 Joey: Alright, so so tell me one of your moves.
 Rachel: Alright. So where'd you grow up?
 Joey: That's your move? Boy Rach, you're lucky you're hot.
 Rachel: Come on, just answer the question!
 Joey: (exasperated) Queens.
 Rachel: And so were-were you close to your parents?
 Joey: Yeah, with my mom. Yeah, not so much with my dad.
 Rachel: Why not?
 Joey: I don't know. I guess there's just always been this distance
 y'know I mean we both try to pretend it's not there, but it is.
 Rachel: (sympathetic) Oh. (Starts rubbing his wrist with her fingers.) It's
 gotta be rough.
 Joey: Yeah, it is. It's really tough. Y'know sometimes I
 think Wow!! Nice move!
 Rachel: Huh?
 Joey: 'Where'd you grow up,' it's so simple!
 Rachel: Thank you! And now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the rest
 room.
 Joey: Yeah.
 (Rachel gets up and heads for the rest room.)
 Rachel: And now you're watching me walk away.
 Joey: Yes I am! Again so simple!
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is entering to find Chandler playing Ms.
 Pac-Man.]


Monica: Hey.
 Chandler: You are not going to believe what I did today!
 Monica: Well it clearly wasn't showering or shaving.
 Chandler: I got good. I played this game all day and now I rule at it! They
 should change the name of it to Ms. Chandler. (Pause) Although I-I hope they don't.
 Monica: Wait a minute, you stayed home all day and played Ms. Pac-Man
 while I went off to work like some kind of chump?!
 Chandler: Uh-huh, and I got all the top ten scores, I erased Phoebe off the
 board! High five! (Holds up his hand to give Monica a high five, only he can't
 straighten his fingers.)
 Monica: What is the matter with your hand?
 Chandler: Well I've been playing it for like eight hours, it'll loosen
 up. Come on, check out the scores. Oh, and also look at the initials, they're dirty
 words.
 Monica: Chandler, why would you do that?
 Chandler: Because it's awesome.
 Monica: You think this is clever?
 Chandler: Well y'know, they only give you three letters, so after A-S-S it
 is a bit of a challenge.
 Monica: Hey wait a minute, this one isn't dirty.
 Chandler: It is when you put it together with that one.
 Monica: Ah, well if you don't clear this off, you won't be getting one
 of those from me. But Ben's coming over here tomorrow to play this game, this
 can't be there.
 Chandler: Come on, he won't even know what they mean.
 Monica: Chandler! He's seven; he's not stupid.
 Chandler: Have you talked to him lately?
 Monica: All right, look I'm just gonna unplug it.
 Chandler: No-no-no, if you unplug it, I'll have nothing to show for my day!
 It would be like I was at work. (She unplugs it.) No! (And plugs it back in.) Hey look at
 that! Look at that, it's still there! This thing must have some kind of primitive ROM
 (Read Only Memory, it's a memory chip.) Chip in it or something!
 Monica: Honey you-you got to beat your scores!
 Chandler: With the claw?!
 Monica: All right fine. Fine, I'll do it. I've just got to get this
 off the screen. Carol and Susan are still upset that you taught him pull my finger.
 Chandler: (smiles) Pull my finger (Looks at his hand) My hand is
 messed up.
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Rachel are returning from their date.]
 Rachel: I am not gonna answer that!
 Joey: Oh come on! Just pick one! Between Monica, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross if
 you had to, if you had to, who would you punch?
 Rachel: No one! They are my friends, I wouldn't punch any of them.
 Joey: Chandler?
 Rachel: Yeah, but I don't know why. Look at me, I'm having such a
 wonderful time!
 Joey: Me too! Hey Rach, can I just say I think this is the best date I ever had!
 Rachel: I know!
 Joey: I never laughed so hard Did you see the wine come out of my nose?
 Rachel: Joey, I think everyone saw the wine come out of your nose.
 Joey: I gotta say, I never knew I could enjoy the non-sex part of the date so
 much.
 Rachel: Well that is because you have never been on a date with me before.
 Joey: Huh. Huh.
 Rachel: All right, now don't judge me. I normally wait until my date
 leaves, but you live here. I'm ripping into this swan.
 Joey: Ah! Okay, well then you don't judge me. I'm gonna suck on the
 cellophane from the brownie I had before. (They both do as they planned.)
 Rachel: So tell me, what are Joey Tribbiani's end of the night moves?
 Joey: Ah, well, if I want the girl to kiss me, first thing I do is make my lips
 look irresistible.
 Rachel: How do you do that?
 Joey: Now you can't tell anyone, but uh I put on shiny lip balm.
 Rachel: Oh my God!
 Joey: Yeah, like a moth to a flame, I'm telling ya. Okay all right, so now
 you go.
 Rachel: No, I don't want to tell you.
 Joey: Why not?
 Rachel: Because it's embarrassing.
 Joey: More embarrassing than shiny raspberry lip balm?! (Rachel just looks at
 him.) I didn't say raspberry before did I? All right just-just tell me Rach, just
 tell me!
 Rachel: (laughs) Okay. All right, stand up. (They do so.) Well, when we're
 at the door, I lightly press my lips against his, and then move into his body just for a
 second, and then I make this sound, 'Hmmm.' Okay, I know it doesn't sound
 like anything, but I swear it works.
 Joey: (stunned and turned on) Yeah. Why Yeah, that would work for ya
 Rachel: All right, I gotta go to bed. Honey, I had such a wonderful time.
 Joey: Oh. (She kisses him.) Yeah. (She goes into her room.) Me to. (He then
 starts to freak out.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is telling Rachel about his class location predicament.]


Rachel:  you were 50 minutes late to the class, what did you crawl there?!
 Ross: No, I ran. It was really far, and when did people stop understanding the
 phrase, 'Get the hell out of my way!'
 Rachel: Well, why didn't you just take a cab?
 Ross: Ugh, between the traffic that time of day and all the one-way streets
 it'll take me twice as long. Besides, I teach the class three times a week, who am I?
 Rockefeller?
 Rachel: Well you're not gonna be able to keep doing this.
 Ross: Well I have to. Okay? If I don't, they'll take the class away
 from me. And I already put it in my family newsletter.
 Rachel: You what?
 Ross: You've seen it, the Geller Yeller.
 Rachel: Right. Wow!
 Ross: Besides, I-I think I figured out a much faster route, I'm sure I can
 make it this time. I just I just can't be afraid to get a little bit hit by
 cars. (He goes to the bathroom as Joey enters.)
 Joey: Hey!
 Rachel: Hi! Hey, remember how last night we were talking about that movie Cujo?
 Joey: Oh yeah, I still can't believe you haven't seen Cujo.
 What is wrong with you?
 Rachel: Relax! It's not like it's Citizen Kane!
 Joey: Have you ever tried to sit through Citizen Kane?
 Rachel: Yeah I know it's really boring, but it's like a big deal.
 Anyway, I was thinking about renting Cujo sometime.
 Joey: Oh yeah? All right, let's do it tonight.
 Rachel: Well don't you have that big date tonight?
 Joey: Oh right!
 Rachel: Hey Joey, can I ask you something?
 Joey: Yeah.
 Rachel: After our date last night, did you feel a little weird?
 Joey: Oh my God! You did too? It totally freaked me out, what was that?!
 Rachel: I don't know! (Pause) I'm-I'm kinda thinking it-it was
 the lobster
 Joey: Oh yeah-yeah, the lobster.
 Rachel: Yeah, I mean I was up sick all night.
 Joey: Yeah me too, all night.
 Rachel: Really?! How come we didn't cross paths?
 Joey: Yeah well that's because uh I stayed in my room. Yeah, you
 don't want to look in my hamper.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is trying to erase Chandler's dirty words
 while he looks on.]
 Monica: Okay, I got that. I'll escape over there. I'll come back over
 here. All right, come on Ms. Pac-Man. It's got Right (She dies.)
 Well, you're just a little bitch, aren't you?
 Phoebe: (entering) Hey, you guys. Listen, I'm sorry that I was hogging the
 game before (Sees the top ten list) Oh my God! Your friends have some
 unfortunate initials!
 Monica: They're all Chandler.
 Phoebe: Chandler sucks! He couldn't have gotten this good!
 Chandler: I did. (Looks at his still deformed hand) But it came at a price.
 Monica: But Ben is coming over tonight and he can't see this.
 Chandler: Oh come on, by age seven kids have already seen orgies. (They both
 look at him.) Was it just me?!
 [Scene: N.Y.U, Ross's new class, he is entering out of breath.]
 Ross: Yeah!!!! Yes, I made it! I'm on time! (Grabs a bottle of water from a
 student, takes a drink, and splashes some on his face like the marathon runners do.) Okay,
 why don't we all uh, (Exhales loudly) open our books to page 23. Where  (Exhales
 again) Where you will see a uh a bunch of uh red spots. Okay, (Closes his
 book.) umm, why don't, why don't you all start to read, while I (Passes out
 and collapses.)
 [Scene: A Restaurant, Joey is on his hot date and they're not speaking right now.]
 Joey's Date: Hey. Are you all right? You seem a little distracted.
 Joey: No-no! I'm fine. It's just  Hey, can I ask you something?
 Have you ever looked at someone that you've known for a while and then
 suddenly suddenly see them a different way?
 Joey's Date: You mean like from behind?
 Joey: Yeah. Yeah, that that's exactly it. You're right. Yeah.
 Joey's Date: Ew, y'know what? One time I saw this guy from behind and he
 seemed like a totally normal guy and then he turned around and it was Stephan Baldwin!
 Joey: (deadpan) Ooh! Yeah. So yeah, so you know exactly what I'm talking
 about.
 Joey's Date: Totally! Wow! (Pause) Would you excuse me for a sec?
 Joey: Oh yeah, sure. (She gets up, walks towards the bathroom, and Joey watches
 her go.) Ehhh.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, now it's Phoebe's turn to erase Chandler from
 the board.]
 Monica: Oh my God Phoebe, you're on fire!
 Phoebe: I know!
 Chandler: One more score to go! You can do it! (Touches her shoulder.)
 Phoebe: Don't touch me!!
 Monica: Don't touch her!!
 Chandler: All right! Go left! Go left! Go right!! Go right!!
 Phoebe: I can't!! I can't!! (She dies.) Noooooooo!!!!!!! You son of a
 bitch!!!!!
 (At this point a stream of obscenities burst forth from Phoebe's mouth just in
 time for Ben and Ross to enter and hear most of it, and in slow motion Ross tries to
 shield his innocent son from Phoebe's vulgarity.)


 The One Where Chandler Takes a Bath
 The One Where Chandler Takes a Bath
 Written by: Vanessa McCarthy
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 With Help From: Dan Gottleib
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is at the counter eating a bowl of Frosted
 Flakes.]
 Joey: (thinking) All right. It's a new day. All that stuff about
 Rachel, you don't feel that now. It was crazy! You're fine.
 You're better than fine! You are, as your friend Tony would say, Grrrreat!
 Everything's normal! She's just your friend Rachel! Your friend
 Rachel. Your friend! Rachel.
 Rachel: (coming from her room) Hi, sweetie.
 Joey: (thinking) Hey, it's your girlfriend, Rachel!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is sitting on the couch watching TV as
 Monica comes out of the bathroom.]
 Monica: (airily) Hi.
 Chandler: Are you, are you high?
 Monica: I just had the most amazing bath.
 Chandler: Really? I don't like baths.
 Monica: Wait, you like them with me.
 Chandler: Honey, it's not the bath I enjoy, it's the wet, naked lady.
 Monica: Oh, baths are so relaxing!
 Chandler: Really? What do you do? You just sit in there stewing in your own filth.
 Monica: How dirty do you think I am? I'm telling you, if you had some candles
 and some bubbles and some music, you would love it! It would take all of your stress away.
 Chandler: Honey, it's 2:00 on a Wednesday and I'm watching Road Rules,
 how stressed do you think I am?
 Joey: (entering) Hey, Chandler, you got a minute? I-I really need to talk to you.
 Chandler: Oh! Uh, yeah! Is this a cold pizza talk or a leftover meatloaf talk?
 Joey: Well, neither.
 Chandler: Oh my God, what's up?!
 Joey: I don't know. It's-it's just lately, I've been
 feeling  Okay, here's what it is  (Pause) You know what? I feel a lot
 better, thanks! (Starts to leave)
 Chandler: Oh no-no, no you don't, just come back.
 Joey: All right. Okay. You and Monica, friends for a long time, and sure there are
 rules, but then you went to London. Oh, no, but that's different. I mean, there are
 rules there, too! You know what I mean?
 Chandler: Do you?
 Joey: It was different for you guys! I mean, I mean, you were both in the same
 place, right?
 Chandler: In London?
 Joey: Yeah.
 Chandler: Yes. When Monica and I were in London, we were both in London.
 Joey: You know what? This is a bad idea. Forget it. Forget it, and listen, do me a
 favor, this conversation was between you and me.
 Chandler: If that.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Ross sits down.]
 Rachel: Hi! Oh, Ross, don't forget, we have that doctor's appointment
 tomorrow!
 Ross: Right.
 Phoebe: Hey, are you going to find out the sex of the baby?
 Ross: No-no, we talked about it. We don't want to know. All we care about is
 that it's happy and healthy.
 Rachel: Yep! Happy and healthy! And cute!
 Ross: And smart!
 Rachel: Popular.
 Ross: With an aptitude for science.
 Phoebe: Are you two talking about the same baby? Hey! Have you started off thinking
 of names yet?
 Rachel: Oh yeah! I've come up with a bunch of ideas!
 Ross: Really? Me too!
 Phoebe: Me too!
 Rachel: Really?!
 Phoebe: Uh huh! If it's a girl, Phoebe, and if it's a boy, Phoebo!
 Ross: Maybe. But it wouldn't hurt to have a backup, you know? Uh, Rach-Rach,
 what were you thinking? (Gives her a look)
 Rachel: Okay! I was thinking if it's a girl, how about Sandrine? It's
 French.
 Ross: Huh. That's a really pretty name for-for an industrial solvent.
 Rachel: Okay fine, what do you have?
 Ross: Well, OK, it's for a boy. Well, I know it's a little out there,
 but Darwin.
 Rachel: Wow, oh my God, our child will be beaten to death in the schoolyard.
 Phoebe: Yeah, by Sandrine.
 Ross: You're just saying that 'cause I said no to your name!
 Rachel: I'm really, really not.
 Phoebe: How-how about you each get five vetoes?
 Ross: All right.
 Rachel: All right.
 Ross: That sounds fair.
 Rachel: Yeah! I don't think you're going to need it though. Okay, check
 this out. If it's a girl, Rain.
 Ross: Veto.
 Rachel: Why?
 Ross: Rain? Hi. Hi, my name is Rain. I have my own kiln, and my dress is made out
 of wheat.
 Phoebe: I know her! I bought homemade soap from her at a Dead show!
 Ross: Okay, how about, for a guy, Thatcher?
 Rachel: Ross, why do you hate our child?
 Ross: Fine, you go.
 Rachel: Okay, James.
 Ross: Huh.
 Rachel: But only if it's a girl.
 Ross: Oh, veto. How about Ooh, I like Ruth! What about Ruth?
 Rachel: Oh! I'm sorry! Are we having an 89-year-old? How about Dayton?


Ross: Veto. Stewart?
 Rachel: Veto. Sawyer?
 Ross: Veto. Helen?
 Rachel: Veto.
 Phoebe: Is it me, or is veto starting to sound really good?
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica comes from the bathroom as Chandler enters.]
 Chandler: Hey.
 Monica: Boy, do I have a surprise for you!
 Chandler: Sex on the balcony?
 Monica: No, but someone's really not going to get over that idea, are they?
 Chandler: What is it?
 Monica: I drew you a bath!
 Chandler: Honey, I don't like baths! Could you draw me a picture of us having
 sex on the balcony?
 Monica: Please, could you just try it for me? Come on, I used all my best stuff!
 I-I-I lit some candles. I put on some music. I used bath salts, plus bubble bath! And got
 you this little plastic Navy ship. So it's a boy bath!
 Chandler: Well, this does butch it up a bit.
 Monica: I swear, if you try it, you will love it!
 Chandler: All right, if I do this, can we at least discuss sex on the balcony?
 Monica: Absolutely.
 (Chandler runs into the bathroom)
 Monica: Bet I know how that discussion's going to go.
 [Cut to Chandler laying in the bathtub. 'Only Time,' is playing in the
 background.]
 Chandler: (thinking) All right, this isn't so bad. I like the flower
 smell! Which is okay, because I've got my boat.
 Monica: (entering) So?
 Chandler: Oh my God.
 Monica: I told you you were a bath person! Hey, when you get out, maybe I can give you
 a facial!
 Chandler: I'm going to need a bigger boat.
 [Scene: The Doctor's Office, the doctor is writing something as Rachel is on the
 table, and Ross is standing.]
 Ross: I don't think you had an open mind about the name Ruth. I mean, come on,
 little Ruthie Geller, how-how cute is that?
 Rachel: Oh, oh my God! I can practically hear the mahjong tiles!
 Dr. Long: Okay! All your tests look fine. Now, are you two interested in knowing
 the sex of the baby?
 Ross: Uh, no. No, we're not.
 Rachel: But you have it right there in that file? You could tell us whether
 it's a boy or a girl? Dayton or Sandrine? Phoebe or Phoebo?
 Dr. Long: That's right. But if you don't want to know
 Ross: No, no, we want to wait, right?
 Rachel: Right. Right.
 Dr. Long: (looks at her beeping pager) Oh, I'll be right back. And, uh, I know
 it's really not my place, but please don't name your child Phoebo.
 Rachel: (looking at the bulletin board with baby pictures) So, which of these
 babies do you think is the ugliest?
 Ross: What? Rach! Come on, that's terrible!
 They're uh they're babies. They're-they're all beautiful.
 Rachel: Third one from the left?
 Ross: Yeah, why is it staring at me? I think it knows I'm talking about it.
 (Rachel starts to peek at the file) Don't-don't you Wh Wha Hey!!
 Rachel: What?!
 Ross: You're looking!
 Rachel: I didn't!
 Ross: I saw you!
 Rachel: Okay fine, I did. But I didn't see anything, I swear.
 Ross: Shame on you! Ugly baby judges you!
 Rachel: Okay, but Ross just listen to me
 Ross: No, no, no, no! Don't tell me! I don't want to know!
 Rachel: But I couldn't even if I wanted to, because I don't know! I
 swear; I didn't see anything, and I don't want to know! It was just a momentary
 lapse.
 Ross: Momentary lapse. Don't-don't you have any self-control?
 Rachel: (holding stomach) Okay, a couple months late on the lecture, Ross.
 [Scene: Chandler and Monica's, Monica is entering.]
 Monica: Hello?
 Chandler: I'm in the bathroom, can you come in here? I think there's
 something wrong.
 Monica: You know what? I-I think I'll wait out here.
 Chandler: I'm in the bathtub.
 Monica: Oh. (She goes into the bathroom.) What's wrong?
 Chandler: I drew my own bath, but I did it wrong! The water's tepid. The salt
 didn't dissolve and is now  lodged places. And the scents I used don't
 compliment each other. Eucalyptus and chamomile Oh!
 Monica: What?
 Chandler: The bath salts! They're starting to effervesce! It's different.
 (Pause) It's interesting.
 Monica: Okay, let's talk about something else.
 Chandler: Yeah! Sure, sure. So, what was going on with you today? Oh-oh-oh!
 Monica: Well, I actually had the weirdest conversation with Joey. He was talking
 about rules and right and wrong and
 Chandler: I had the exact same conversation.
 Monica: You did? What was he talking about?
 Chandler: I don't know! Joey hasn't had this much trouble getting out
 words since we saw him in Macbeth!
 Monica: (groans) That was a long night.
 Chandler: All right, let's break this down. What exactly did he say to you?
 Monica: Okay, he was talking about rules.
 Chandler: Uh-huh.
 Monica: Umm, and looking at people differently.
 Chandler: He didn't say anything about that to me.


Monica: What did he tell you?
 Chandler: He was asking all these questions about you, me, and London. And, of
 course the glue that holds this all together, the rules.
 Monica: Okay. So you, me and London. Looking at people differently. Maybe he wants
 to do what you and I did in London with someone.
 Chandler: But what did he mean by rules?
 Monica: Wait a minute! He stopped talking the minute Phoebe came in!
 Chandler: Because he was looking at her differently.
 Monica: And Phoebe is his friend, so he thinks that would be breaking the rules!
 Chandler: My God! He wants to do it with Phoebe in London!
 Phoebe: (from outside the bathroom) You guys?
 Monica: Just a minute! (To Chandler) That's Mrs. Tribbiani!
 Chandler: You don't say anything.
 Monica: Why would I say anything? That two of our best friends could start the
 greatest love affair of their lives! And they would have me to thank, and we could all
 start having babies?
 Chandler: I'm not going to let you say anything.
 Monica: You just stay here! (Dumps a jar of bath salts in the bathtub)
 Chandler: Oh, God!
 (Monica runs out to Phoebe, who is in the kitchen)
 Phoebe: Oh, hey, Monica, I brought back your iron.
 Monica: Oh, you had that?
 Phoebe: Uh-huh.
 Monica: I thought I lost it. I got a new one, like, a month ago.
 Phoebe: Oh, just as well, I broke this one.
 (Monica starts smiling)
 Phoebe: What?
 Monica: Nothing.
 Phoebe: Okay.
 Monica: I mean, I-I, I really shouldn't say. I mean, I'm really not
 supposed to.
 Phoebe: Fine.
 Monica: It's a humdinger!
 Phoebe: Then it's really too bad that you can't tell me.
 Monica: Somebody likes you!
 Phoebe: (Groans) Is it Chandler?
 Monica: No!
 Phoebe: Well, then tell him to stop staring!
 Monica: It's Joey!
 Phoebe: Really?! Joey?! You don't say.
 Monica: Is it something you'd be interested in?
 Phoebe: I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. You know, I mean,
 on the one hand, Mother may I? But y'know on the other hand  No. No, I
 can't. We're friends. No, oh, no. I don't want to risk what we have.
 Monica: I guess that makes sense. So, you think you're going to talk to him?
 Phoebe: Sure, yeah. I mean, it's Joey. I don't want him to get hurt.
 Well, I must say, I am on fire! First Chandler, now Joey!
 Monica: Not Chandler, just Joey.
 Phoebe: Sure.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Central perk, Ross is sitting on the chair as Rachel walks in.]
 Rachel: Hey.
 Ross: Hey.
 Rachel: You know what? I've been thinking about it. I'm really coming
 around on the name Ruth. I think I would actually consider naming our child that.
 Ross: Rach, I-I can't tell you how-how much that means to me! Ohh  Wait a
 minute. Wait a minute. You-you hated the name Ruth! Why-why would you change your mind?
 Unless, you know we're never going to have to use it. You did see the folder. You
 know it's a boy!
 Rachel: I didn't see anything! I actually changed my mind about the name.
 Ross: I don't think so! You're just giving me Ruth so you'll get to
 name it when it's a boy, and that's when you'll swoop in and name him Heath
 or Blaine or Sequoia.
 Rachel: I would Sequoia?
 Ross: Veto.
 Rachel: Fine.
 Ross: Unless  (Rachel groans.) You anticipated that I would figure all
 this out and you know that it actually is a girl, and you really do want her to be named
 Ruth! Well, I'm not falling for that! Okay? Ruth is off the table!
 Rachel: But Ross, you want the name Ruth!
 Ross: Not like this!
 [Scene: Rachel and Joey's, Joey is sitting on his recliner as Phoebe enters.]
 Phoebe: Hey.
 Joey: Hey. Well, what's up?
 Phoebe: Umm, Joey, I know.
 Joey: What?
 Phoebe: I knooow.
 Joey: Whaaat?
 Phoebe: I know about your feelings.
 Joey: Oh my God. You do?
 Phoebe: Yes, and I'm sorry. I-I know things worked out for Chandler and
 Monica, but that's very rare.
 Joey: I know. I know. And this is so much more complicated than it was for those
 guys. I mean, it's Rachel for God sakes.
 Phoebe: For God sakes, it's Rachel!
 Joey: I know. I know. And she's not only my friend; she's my pregnant
 friend! She's my pregnant friend who's Ross' ex!
 Phoebe: Yeah that's Rachel. (To herself) Beat me over the head with it.
 Joey: What am I going to do? You know, and I keep, I keep trying to get rid of
 these feelings, y'know? I stayed up all last night and made a list of everything I
 don't like about her. You want to hear it?
 Phoebe: Yeah.
 Joey: She made me switch to light Mayo. That's it! That's all I got! And,
 you know what? It tastes the same and my pants fit better!


Phoebe: Joey, I just think you're getting worked up over nothing. This is
 probably just a crush.
 Joey: You think?
 Phoebe: Absolutely! Y'know, you get this rush of feelings, but then it goes
 away.
 Joey: Yeah, just a crush! That's all this is! It's a crush! I'm
 Joey; I don't get deep feelings.
 Phoebe: That's right, there you go! Crushes happen all the time! I know
 I've had them for all you guys. Well, except for Ross and Chandler. And I'm sure
 you've had them for us.
 Joey: Not really.
 Phoebe: Mm-hmm. (To herself) Throw me a bone here.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is on the couch as Ross enters.]
 Ross: So, I uh  I called the doctor and now we both know the sex of the baby.
 Rachel: What?
 Ross: That's right. The student has become the master.
 Rachel: Ross, I swear, I don't know.
 Ross: Oh, come on, you know it's a girl!
 Rachel: A what?!
 Ross: You really didn't know?
 Rachel: We're having a girl?
 Ross: No.
 Rachel: That's what you just said!
 Ross: No.
 Rachel: You said girl!
 Ross: Yes. I'm  I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
 Rachel: I'm not! We're having a girl! Sometimes I can't believe
 it's with you But still! We're having a girl!
 Ross: I know! I know. You know what? I'm putting Ruth back on the table!
 Rachel: Oh, yes! We'll have ourselves a little baby Ruth
 Ross: Permission to veto.
 Rachel: Yes, please.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler enters as Monica comes from the bathroom.]
 Monica: Hey.
 Chandler: Do I smell essential oils?
 Monica: Yeah, I'm going to take a bath. I'm just going to get a magazine.
 Chandler: Okay.
 (As soon as Monica leaves the room, Chandler takes off his jacket and runs to the
 bathroom. Monica enters the bathroom to find Chandler in the bathtub.)
 Monica: What do you think you're doing?
 Chandler: L-leaving my troubles behind?
 Monica: I know that you're new at this, but this is completely unacceptable
 bath decorum.
 Chandler: Oh, it's so hard to care when you're this relaxed.
 Monica: Fine, you can have the bath, but I am taking your boat. Now you're
 just a girl in a tub!
 (Phoebe enters the bathroom)
 Chandler: (upset) Hey!
 Phoebe: Hi, Bubbles. Manly. Well, I just thought I would drop by and let you know
 how it went with Joey.
 Chandler: (To Monica) You told her?!
 Monica: She pulled it out of me! She's like a conversational wizard!
 How'd it go?
 Phoebe: Well, you were wrong, he doesn't like me!
 Monica: What?
 Phoebe: Yeah! How would you like it if I sent you to Lee Majors' house and
 told you that he liked you, and you went down there and you found out that he didn't
 like you? How would you feel?
 Monica: (Pause) I don't think I'd care.
 Phoebe: Really? Lee Majors is hot!
 Joey: (from outside the bathroom) Hello?
 Phoebe: We're in the bathroom!
 Joey: Why?
 Chandler: (sarcastically) Because it's a relaxing and enjoyable time!
 Joey: (entering the bathroom) What are you guys doing in here?
 Monica: Oh my God! A friend he's looking at differently, but it's wrong.
 It's Rachel!
 Chandler: You like Rachel?!
 Joey: It's no big deal, okay? Phoebe and I talked about it. It's just a
 crush! It's going to go away! (Looks down) Dude, you gotta rearrange your bubbles!
 Oh!
 Phoebe: (checking for herself) (To Monica) Mazel tov.
 Rachel: (entering) Hey! Ross and I were looking for you! What are we all doing in
 here? (Looks at Chandler) Oh, my! (Covers the spot where Joey wants bubbles to be
 replaced.)
 Monica: Honey, cover it up with the boat!
 Ross: (from outside the bathroom) Hello?
 Chandler: (sarcastically) Yes we're all in here and we would love for you to
 join us!
 Ross: (entering) Well hey! What's going on? Ooh, cool boat (Sees why the
 boat's there) Oh, no. (Averts his eyes by looking around the room) (To Rachel)
 Hey, did you, did you tell them?
 Rachel: No, I was waiting for you!
 Phoebe: Tell us what?
 Rachel: We're having a girl.
 All: Oh, wow! Yay! Wow! Hooray! Oh, man!
 (They all hug and then turn and look at Chandler)
 Chandler: I'll I'll get you later!
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sitting at the counter eating Cocoa Puffs.]
 Joey: (thinking) All right. It's a new day, and it's just a
 crush, that's all! Just a little crush! All that worrying I was doing,
 that was crazy. Crazy! Like my friend here the bird would say, 'it
 was cuckoo!' Everything's going to be fine. It's just a crush.
 Rachel: (entering) Hi, sweetie.
 Joey: (thinking) I love you.
 Closing Credits
 [Scene: Chandler and Monica's bathroom. Both are sitting on opposite ends of the
 bathtub.]
 Monica: It sure is nice to do this together, isn't it?
 Chandler: Yeah. And what you're doing feels so good.


 The One With The Secret Closet
 The One With The Secret Closet
 Written by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe walks up to and knocks on Chandler and Monica's door.]
 Monica: (opens the door wearing a robe, but leaves the chain on) Hey,
 what's up?
 Phoebe: Well, I left my guitar here again.
 Monica: Oh, okay. No problem.
 Phoebe: Okay. (Monica closes the door, gets the guitar, and then hands it out.)
 Monica: Okay.
 Phoebe: Oh.
 Monica: Here you go.
 Phoebe: Okay.
 Monica: Okay.
 Phoebe: Great! Umm (Monica closes the door again and Phoebe knocks again.)
 Monica: What?!
 Phoebe: So do you want to hang out or something?
 Monica: Phoebe! You kinda caught me at a bad time.
 Phoebe: Oh are you and Chandler
 Monica: Yes! Exactly.
 Phoebe: Okay. Do you guys want me to play for you?
 Monica: (laughs) No. (Closes the door as Chandler walks up.)
 Chandler: Hey Pheebs, what's up?
 Phoebe: You ask an intriguing question Chandler Bing.
 (Chandler lets her into the apartment and reveals that Monica is getting a massage from
 another woman.)
 Phoebe: Oh my God! You're getting a massage! You never let me massage you!!
 Monica: Phoebe, I can explain!
 Phoebe: You told me you hate massages!
 Chandler: Buy stamps, pick up dry cleaning Don't let Phoebe in.
 Phoebe: I can't believe this! How long as this been going on?
 Monica: Well umm, Alexandra has been
 Phoebe: Oh, it has a name?
 Monica: Phoebe, don't get upset!
 Phoebe: Okay Oop! Too late! I'm leaving! Come on Chandler let's
 go! (She storms out.)
 Chandler: Well, Phoebe I thought I'd (Off Phoebe's
 look) Yeah, what the hell. (Exits with Phoebe.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Joey's Bedroom, Joey is having a dream about Rachel giving birth with him
 as the father.]
 Joey: Oh okay, okay! One more push! One more push! Come on honey, we're
 almost there! We're almost there!
 Rachel: Oh Joey, I'm so happy things worked out for us that we're
 having this baby together. I love you so much.
 Joey: Oh, I love you too.
 Rachel: And I hope it's not an inappropriate time to say this but,
 you're the best sex I ever had.
 Joey: That's always appropriate! (Back to the matter at hand) Oh, okay. One
 more push! One more push!
 (Finally, the baby is delivered and starts crying.)
 Doctor: Oh, here is your beautiful baby. Congratulations!
 (She hands the baby to Joey who pulls down the blanket to reveal Ross's face where
 the baby's should be.)
 Ross: (crying) I hope you're a better father than you're a friend!!
 (Cries again and Joey wakes up in horror.)
 Rachel: (bursts into the room) Joey! Joey!
 Joey: What? What's going on?
 Rachel: Come feel this! Come feel my belly!
 Joey: Aaaah
 Rachel: Joey! The baby is kicking for the first time! Will you please come feel
 this?!
 Joey: Really?!
 Rachel: Yes!
 (Joey starts to get up but stops.)
 Joey: Oh, y'know what? Maybe uh, you you should come to me. I'm a
 not, I'm not wearing any bottoms.
 Rachel: Oh, okay! (She goes over to him and he feels her belly.)
 Joey: Oh my, oh my God!
 Rachel: Aw, it's unbelievable! Wow! She is kicking so much! Oh, she's
 like umm oh who's that kind of annoying girl soccer player?
 Joey: Mia Hamm?
 Rachel: Mia Hamm!
 Joey: Oh that's amazing. (Drops the sheet.)
 Rachel: (looking down) Oh-oh!! One hand on the sheet Joe!
 Joey: Whoa-hey-oh! Sorry!
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica has opened another wedding present as Chandler
 enters.]
 Chandler: Hey babe.
 Monica: Hi honey. We just got a wedding gift from Bob and Faye Bing; they
 don't like us do they? (They gave them a pok-a-dotted punch bowl.)
 Chandler: Who says you can't get a nice punch bowl for under six bucks?
 Maybe we can take it back?
 Monica: No, it doesn't say where it came from. Where would we return it?
 Chandler: How about to the street say from the balcony?
 Monica: Why don't we just find a place for it?
 Chandler: Okay. How about in that cabinet?
 Monica: No! That's where we keep the canned goods! Have you completely
 forgotten everything you learned at orientation?
 Chandler: How about the closet by the bathroom? (The secret green door by the
 bathroom.)
 Monica: Oh, okay. Here, why don't you let me do it?
 Chandler: Oh no-no-no, I will do it. Honey, you have to learn to sit down and
 relax and let your husband take care of things once and awhile. (Tries the door.)
 It's locked, you have to help me. Why is it locked?
 Monica: No reason. I-I keep private things in there.
 Chandler: Oh y'know, I've been living here a while and I've never
 seen what's inside that closet. What is, what is in there?
 Monica: Feminine stuff.


Chandler: Don't try to make me uncomfortable with feminine stuff!
 Monica: Chandler, there is nothing in there that concerns you! If you love me
 you-you'll let it go.
 Chandler: Fine.
 Monica: Thank you! (He tries the door again and Monica glares at him.)
 Chandler: (walking casually away) Love you.
 Phoebe: (entering) Hello Chandler, lovely day huh? (To Monica) You!
 Chandler: Phoebe if it helps Alexandra has only been massaging Monica for like
 three years. (Phoebe rolls her eyes and walks away and Monica glares at him.) If! I said,
 'If it helps!' (Goes to the bedroom.)
 Phoebe: Why won't you let me massage you?
 Monica: Well it's I mean I'd just I'd be
 self-conscious. You're my friend; I'd be naked.
 Phoebe: Monica! We lived together for years! I've seen you naked!
 Monica: That's different, we were roommates! And when?!
 Phoebe: I'm curious about the human body.
 Monica: Hey, come on Phoebe, you can understand why this would be weird for me.
 Phoebe: But I'm a professional! And I'm really good! Look, if
 you're uncomfortable we can stop. Just give me a chance, okay. Please?
 Monica: Okay, if it means that much to you
 Phoebe: It does! How would you feel if you couldn't share your cooking?
 Or-or imagine how Ross would feel if he couldn't teach us about dragons.
 Monica: Dinosaurs.
 Phoebe: Potato, potaato.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Rachel are there as Ross enters.]
 Ross: Hey!
 Joey: Hey Ross! The baby's kicking!
 Ross: What?! It is?! (He tries to quickly remove his gloves, but runs into
 trouble and finally throws them off of his hands like a hockey player in a fight and grabs
 Rachel's belly.)
 Rachel: It's not kicking right now. Although we would love to see you do
 (Mimics him) that again.
 Ross: Hey, when-when was it kicking? What happened?
 Rachel: Last night! I just felt it and I went into Joey's room and he was
 sleeping
 Joey: A dreamless sleep.
 Ross: My God, the baby's kicking. That's great. Although I kinda
 wish I-I would've been there to feel the kicking for the first time y'know.
 Joey: Well I got stuff going on in here (Rubbing his belly) if you wanna feel.
 Ross: Look, I-I don't want to miss anymore baby stuff. So Here.
 Here's my new pager number, okay? Anytime anything pregnancy related happens use it!
 I'll be there! Okay? I don't care if it's three in the morning and all you
 want is ice cream.
 Joey: Wow! Can I get a copy of that?
 [Scene: Phoebe's Apartment, Monica is lying on the massage table waiting for Phoebe.]
 Phoebe: (calling from her room) Are you under the sheet?
 Monica: Yes.
 (Phoebe turns on some music and grabs some oil.)
 Phoebe: (in a soothing voice) Great, let's begin. (She starts the massage.)
 How's the pressure?
 Monica: Nice! Wow Phoebe you are good!
 Phoebe: Stating the obvious, but thank you. And it's not weird is it.
 Monica: No. Ooohh
 Phoebe: That's right, you just enjoy.
 Monica: (in a sexy voice) Oh. Oh yeah! Ohhhhh! Ohh! Oh yeah!
 Phoebe: (getting uncomfortable) Okay.
 Monica: Oh God Phoebe!! (Phoebe covers one ear.) Oh that's it! That's
 it! Right there! Oh! (Tries to cover the other ear.) Ooooh-oooh-ooooh  (Covers both
 ears and continues the massage with her elbows.)
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler has a box of keys and is trying them on the
 secret closet when someone enters.]
 Chandler: I wasn't trying to open your closet! I wasn't trying to open
 your closet! I swear! (Running into the kitchen and sees its Joey.)
 Joey: Whoa, Monica runs a pretty tight ship over here. What are you doing?
 Chandler: Monica has a secret closet and she won't let me see what's
 in it.
 Joey: Why not?
 Chandler: I don't know! What could she possibly be hiding in here that I
 can't see?!
 Joey: I don't know. Ooh, I bet it's Richard.
 Chandler: Why would Monica be keeping Richard in here?
 Joey: Well off the top of my head uhh, maybe she's having her cake and
 eating it too. You being the cake and Richard being the too. Or!
 Chandler: And here we go
 Joey: I saw this movie once where there was a door and no one knew what was
 behind it, and when they finally got it open millions and millions and millions of bugs
 came pouring out and they feasted on human flesh. Y'know it wouldn't kill ya to
 respect your wife's privacy! (He walks away and into his apartment and looks the
 door.) Stupid closet full of bugs!
 Rachel: Joey. Joey, something feels weird and not good weird. I
 don't Whoa!! (Winces in pain.)
 Joey: Oh hey whoa-whoa, don't worry. Okay. When my sisters were pregnant
 they got every weird feeling in the book, it was always nothing.
 Rachel: Really?
 Joey: Absolutely. But, we're gonna stop by the hospital just to be
 sure, okay? I'll page Ross on the way. Come on.


Rachel: Okay. Oh God Ow! Oo!
 Joey: Okay Rach-Rach-Rach look at me, look at me, everything's gonna be
 fine, trust me. Okay. Take my hand. Here we go. (Rachel grabs his hand.) Oww crushing
 bones!
 [Scene: The Hospital, Joey is in the waiting room as Rachel comes back out with the
 doctor.]
 Joey: Hey! So?
 Dr. Long: She's fine. She's experiencing Braxton-Hicks contractions,
 mild discomfort caused by contractions in the uterine wall.
 Rachel: Hmm, mild discomfort. So I take it you've had one of these Braxton
 thingies?
 Joey: So but everything is normal.
 Dr. Long: Absolutely.
 Joey: And-and there's no danger to her and the baby?
 Dr. Long: No-no. Contractions can be unnerving if you don't know what they
 are, but she's fine.
 Rachel: Thank you doctor. (Dr. Long exits.) (To Joey) Oh thank you for being so
 nice and calm.
 Joey: Calm?! I wasn't calm! I've never been more scared in all my
 life!
 Rachel: But wait you said everything was gonna be okay.
 Joey: Well what do I know?! I'm not a doctor!
 Rachel: But I But everything is okay. I'm fine!
 Joey: You sure?!
 Rachel: Yes! Yes! I got half a mind to contract that doctor's uterus
 though. Mild discomfort, what's he talking about?
 Joey: (seeing Ross) Oh hey-hey!
 Ross: (rushes in) Is everything okay?
 Rachel: Yeah, everything's fine!
 Ross: Your page said come to the hospital, what? What was it? What happened?
 Joey: Something called Braxton-Hicks contractions.
 Ross: Oh. Oh. Thank God, most women don't even feel them.
 Rachel: Okay, no uterus, no opinion.
 Joey: Hey uh, what's with the candy?
 Ross: Oh when you beeped me I was on line at the concession stand at the movie
 theater.
 Rachel: Oh you went to the movies by yourself?
 Ross: No I Mona!
 Rachel: Oh, I gotta go back in there.
 Ross: What? Why? What's wrong?
 Rachel: No, everything's fine. I just gotta go back
 Ross: No really, you tell me what's up.
 Rachel: I-I forgot my underwear. (Ross lets her go.)
 Ross: (To Joey) So, thanks so much for bringing her to the hospital.
 Joey: Oh hey, don't worry about it man. Don't worry about it, no big
 deal.
 Ross: Yeah but still, I mean it should've been me. I'm the dad.
 Dr. Long: (To Joey) Uh, if you have any questions, here's some information
 on Braxton-Hicks. (Hands Joey a pamphlet.) Oh and by the way, you did the right thing by
 bringing her in. You're gonna make a wonderful father.
 Joey: Oh uh, hey. Not as good as this guy! (Grabs Ross around the shoulders.) He
 brought Twizlers!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey and Chandler are still working on the door.]
 Chandler: There has got to be a way!
 Joey: Easy there Captain Kirk. Oh, do you have a bobby pin?
 Chandler: Yeah. (Checks his hair.) Oh no wait, I'm not an nine-year-old
 girl.
 Joey: Then why do you throw like one?
 Chandler: Maybe Monica has a bobby pin.
 Joey: Sure. 'Monica.'
 Chandler: So, how's the hideously inappropriate crush on Rachel coming?
 Joey: Uh, really good. Really good. Yeah, I should be ready to kill myself any
 day now. (Chandler returns with a bobby pin and hands it to Joey.) Wow, you sure found
 that quick. (He tries the pin in the lock.) I just I wish I didn't feel this way
 about Rachel anymore, y'know? I wish things could go back to normal. I mean, I love
 living with her and God, helping out with the baby is just amazing, but now I think I
 think Ross feels left out. Y'know? When I had to take Rachel to the hospital, the
 doctor thought I was the father. God  You should've seen the look on Ross's
 face. (Pause) By the way, I have no idea what I'm doing here. For all I know I'm
 just locking it more. Oh hey, did you try opening it with a credit card?
 Chandler: That's a good idea.
 Joey: Yeah.
 Chandler: Okay. (They switch places and Chandler gets out a credit card.) So uh,
 Ross is kinda bummed huh?
 Joey: Oh, I just I feel terrible.
 Chandler: Well, it's not your fault. What are you gonna do? Not take her to
 the hospital? Y'know? You're doing nothing wrong. (Pause) Except for harboring
 an all consuming love for the woman whose carrying his baby. (He loses his card behind the
 door.) Richard? If-if you're in there, could you pass me my credit card?
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch as Monica enters.]
 Monica: Hey.
 Phoebe: Hey.
 Monica: I gotta tell you, yesterday was amazing. That massage felt so good!
 Phoebe: No-no, I got that.
 Monica: So umm, what do you say we make it a weekly appointment?
 Phoebe: Okay. Okay but you should know though, I've raised my rates to $200
 an hour.
 Monica: Okay.
 Phoebe: I mean $500.
 Monica: What?


Phoebe: 600.
 Monica: What's going on?
 Phoebe: Oh, you make sex noises when you get massaged!
 Monica: What? (Laughs.)
 Phoebe: Yeah, and it really freaked me out! And after a while I even tried to
 hurt you and it just spurred you on.
 Monica: What?! You're crazy! There's nothing sexual about the noises I
 make!
 Phoebe: Really? There's nothing sexual about this? (Sexily) Oooh. Oo God!
 Ohh. Ohhhh. Ohh. (Some cute guy is watching closely.) (To him) What are you looking at?!
 (Pause) I mean hi.
 Monica: Oh my This is so embarrassing. Oh my God, I'm never gonna get
 massaged again!
 Phoebe: No, you can't let this stop you from getting massages! No look, I
 have, I have lots of clients that make the same noises you do!
 Monica: Really?!
 Phoebe: Well not clients, lovers. But let's just y'know, try it again.
 Come back and-and we'll work through it.
 Monica: Are you sure?
 Phoebe: Yes.
 Monica: I guess.
 Phoebe: Great! Okay, if you'll just excuse me. (To the guy) So, did you
 hear something you liked?
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is balancing an aluminum can on her stomach as Ross
 enters.]
 Rachel: Hey Ross! Check it out! I learned a new trick!
 Ross: Hey uh, I brought you some lunch.
 Rachel: Ohh! That's so sweet of you! Oh yum! (Takes a bite out of the
 sandwich and starts to get sick.) Did you put pickles on this?
 Ross: Well yeah!
 Rachel: Oh Ross!! (Runs to the bathroom and closes the door.)
 Ross: What?! What?! Rach what?!
 Joey: What's going on?
 Ross: I made her favorite, tuna salad with pickles.
 Joey: Pickle? Pickles make her sick. Giving her pickles is like giving me salad.
 Ross: (to Rachel) I-I'm sorry Rach, I didn't know. Are you gonna be
 okay?
 Rachel: Yeah, I'll be fine. But could someone please make sure that
 sandwich is gone when I get out there?
 Joey: I'm on it! (Takes a bite out of the sandwich.)
 Ross: I can't believe this! I shouldn't be the one making her throw
 up!
 Joey: Dude relax! It could happen to anyone.
 Ross: Yeah? Not to you, because you know this stuff. I don't know any of it
 and I'm the father. I wish I'd be more involved y'know.
 Rachel: (entering) Well, if anyone is keeping score, I no longer eat tuna.
 Joey: Hey uh, can I, can I talk to you guys for a second?
 Ross: Yeah.
 Rachel: What's up?
 Joey: Uh, sit down. I wanna talk about our situation.
 Rachel: (Gasps) Are you breaking up with us?
 Joey: The thing is 'cause I live with Rachel I'm here for a lot
 of the stuff, okay? (To Rachel) And Ross Ross is missing everything. So
 Rachel: Yeah?
 Joey: Maybe you two should live together.
 Rachel: Are you asking me to move out? Do you not want me here?
 Joey: Oh no-no, no-no I love living with you. It just seems that if
 you're gonna have a roommate, y'know it might as well be the father.
 Rachel: But Joey, I don't think Ross wants me to move into his apartment
 and disrupt his life like that. I mean (Ross turns to her with wishful eyes.) Or
 he does.
 Ross: No I-I-I would love to be around for you and the baby. And we-we can just
 try it like on a temporary basis.
 Rachel: But Ross, its you and me!
 Ross: So? Sure! But it-it wouldn't be anything romantic. And
 I'm-I'm dating Mona Damnit Mona! I was supposed to meet her like an hour
 ago! What is wrong with me?!
 Joey: All right now, so? What do you think?
 Rachel: I don't know. Is it crazy?
 Ross: No! No it's not. Joey, this is a smart idea.
 Joey: Well, I was due.
 Rachel: Okay, let's do it. I'll move in.
 Ross: Really?
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Ross: Oh Rach that's great. That's great. (They hug and Joey breathes
 a sigh of relief.)
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is pounding out the hinge pins on the closet
 door to get it open.]
 Chandler: Not to shabby, I got this all off myself using my wife's
 tools. (He takes the door off the frame and we finally get to see what's behind the
 green door! It is stacked, floor to ceiling, with junk.) Oh my God!
 Monica: (entering) (Gasps) How did you get in there?!
 Chandler: (laughs) You're messy.
 Monica: Oh no! You weren't supposed to see this!
 Chandler: I married Fred Sanford!
 Monica: No Chandler, you don't understand! (Chandler starts singing the
 theme for Sanford and Son, an old TV show starring Redd Fox.) Okay! Okay! Okay!
 Fine! Now you know. Okay? I'm y'know I'm sick.
 Chandler: No, honey you're not sick! Look, I don't love you because
 you're organized, I love you in spite of that.
 Monica: Really? You promise you won't tell anyone?
 Chandler: Yes! And look, now that I know if I got some extra stuff lying around
 can we, can we share the closet.


 The One With The Birthing Video
 The One With The Birthing Video
 Written by: Dana Klein Borkow
 Transcribed by: Dan Gottleib
 [Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is getting a cup of coffee as Joey and Phoebe enter and
 sit down.]
 Phoebe: Oh! Hey, Rach!
 Rachel: Hi! Hey, Happy Valentine's Day!
 Phoebe: Oh, you, too.
 Joey: Hey, so, uh, how's it going living over at Ross'?
 Rachel: It's good. Except he makes us watch the Discovery Channel all
 day long. Did you know that something really boring happened to someone really ugly in the
 Middle Ages? (to the waitress handing her a cup of coffee) Oh, thank you. I'll see
 you guys later.
 Phoebe: Okay.
 Joey: Bye.
 (Rachel exits with coffee)
 Joey: There's one lucky to-go cup of coffee.
 Phoebe: (sighs) Honey, I wish you would get over her. I hate seeing you like this.
 Is there anything I can do for you? Do you want to look down my top?
 Joey: Thanks. But maybe later.
 Phoebe: Oh, Gunther, can I get a scone?
 Gunther: (to Joey) You want anything?
 Joey: You know what I want? I want a lot of things! I want to be with the woman I
 love on Valentine's Day! And I want her to love me back! And I want just one moment
 of relief from the gut-wrenching pain of knowing that that's never going to happen!
 Gunther: We have red bagels.
 Joey: Oh, okay.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's. Phoebe and Ross are sitting in the living room
 talking.]
 Phoebe: So, how does Mona feel about you and Rachel living together?
 Ross: Oh, I'm actually on my way to tell her right now. Yeah, she's been
 away all week visiting her parents, but she'll be cool. I mean, she's been so
 supportive. She-she even got the baby a tiny T-shirt that says,  Fossils are my
 friends.'
 Phoebe: Ugh. Come on, Mona, don't kiss ass.
 Ross: Uh, I'm going to take off.
 Phoebe: All right. Oh! Shoot! Oh shoot! Uh, Rachel wanted to see this tape!
 Ross: What is it?
 Phoebe: It's a video of my friend giving birth. Could you just bring it back
 to your apartment?
 Ross: All right. (reading the label)  Candy and Cookie?'
 Phoebe: Yeah. Candy's the mother, Cookie's the daughter. The
 father's also Cookie. Why am I friends with these people?
 Monica: (entering with something behind her back) Phoebe, c'mere. I want to
 show you something in the bathroom.
 Phoebe: Oh, Monica, grow up!
 Ross: Hey, what's behind your back?
 Monica: Nothing. Just something I want to get Phoebe's opinion on for
 Valentine's Day.
 Ross: You don't want my opinion?
 Monica: Not really.
 Ross: Come on, I'm your older brother, ask me!
 Monica: All right, big brother. (holds up two erm revealing articles of
 clothing) Which of these do you think would make your little sister look hotter, so your
 best friend would want to do her?
 Ross: (quietly) The red one.
 [Scene: Joey and wait just Joey's. Joey is sitting at the counter eating
 a pizza.]
 Phoebe: (knocking and entering) Hey. Look, I know you've been really depressed
 lately, so I brought someone over to cheer you up. Right outside this door is a real,
 live, furry playmate.
 Joey: No, I'm not sleeping with your friend Jane again.
 (Phoebe goes into the hall and brings a dog inside!)
 Phoebe: He-hee!
 Joey: Hey! A dog! Hi! Who, you got to admit, looks a lot like Jane.
 Phoebe: This is the happiest dog in the world. I borrowed him from my friend Wendy.
 Now, you can only keep him until he cheers you up. And he will cheer you up!
 Joey: Thanks so much, Pheebs! (to the dog) We are going to have so much fun, yes we
 are! (the dog sticks his head between Joey's legs) Oh! Not that kind of fun.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's. Chandler enters with a bouquet of roses.]
 Chandler: Happy Valentine's!
 Monica: (from her bedroom) Okay! I'll be right out. I'm slipping into
 something a little less comfortable, and a little more slutty.
 Chandler: (picking up a video from the table)  Candy and Cookie'.
  Candy and Cookie?' Monica got me porn?! Girl-on-girl porn?! She really must
 love me!! (Chandler runs over to the TV, puts the tape in, and sits down to enjoy some
 'porn')
 (A woman on TV breaths hard)
 Man on TV: Yeah, just relax.
 Chandler: I love you, St. Valentine.
 (The woman groans, moans, grunts, and screams. Chandler's eyes get huge!)
 Chandler: Woah, woah, that's not pretty!
 Man on TV: Now, push!
 Woman on TV: Ow! Ow! Ooh! That hurts!
 Chandler: Worst porn ever! Worst porn ever! (Chandler starts to press buttons on
 the remote control, frantically.)
 Woman on TV: Ohhh! Make it stop!
 Chandler: I am trying!
 [Scene: Joey's. Joey is playing fetch with the dog.]
 Joey: Get the ball, ready? Get the ball, get the ball! (Joey pretends to throw it,
 but really doesn't, and the dog goes running off.) Well, you're cute, but
 you're not too smart!
 (The dog returns with a ball that looks exactly like the same one Joey has.)


Joey: (looking at the ball the dog brought back) Did I just throw this?
 Rachel: (entering) Hi.
 Joey: Hi.
 Rachel: I accidentally packed these with my stuff. (looks at the dog and gasps) Who
 is this?
 Joey: Oh, that's, uh, that's Phoebe's friend's dog. I
 don't know what his real name is, but I call him Mozzarella.
 Rachel: (talking with a higher voice, and puckered lips kind of like you do to
 a baby or...well a puppy it's hard to explain. Just use your imagination!)
 Oh, well, you are so cute! I wish I could play with you more, but I've got to go to
 work! I hope I stop talking like this before my marketing meeting, yes I do. Yes I do.
 (still talking like that) Bye-bye, Joey. Oh, I seriously can't stop it. (exits)
 Joey: (to the dog) C'mere. Hey. C'mere. That's Rachel. She's
 the one who used to live here. Might as well be honest with you we love her. But we
 can't have her. I really miss her. Well, hey, you understand, right? You're a
 guy. (thinks about it and picks up the dog and looks) Well, you used to be.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's. Chandler is sitting on the couch staring at the
 tape on the coffee table with his eyes huge and his mouth wide open.]
 Monica: (entering from her bedroom) So what do you think? (referring to her outfit)
 (Chandler glances up at Monica with his mouth still wide open and his eyes still huge)
 Monica: (to herself) I've still got it!
 Chandler: (pointing at the video) Why did you get me this?
 Monica: What is it?
 Chandler: It's yelling bleeding dilating. Oh, the dilating
 Monica: Is this the video of the baby being born? Sweetie, this is Phoebe's.
 Why were you even watching it?
 Chandler: I thought maybe you got me porn for Valentine's Day.
 Monica: Chandler, if you thought I was going to get you porn for Valentine's
 Day  (pulls a video out of a basket) you were right! Apparently, it's about a
 young girl who moves to the big city, you know, in search of stardom, but ends up having
 sex with a lot of guys! Yeah, it got four starts! (looks closer) Oh, wait a minute. Those
 aren't stars. Anyway, you want to take a look?
 Chandler: Well, I'm not really in a sexy mood right now.
 Monica: Honey, what's going on?
 Chandler: Well, remember the first time we saw Jaws?
 Monica: Mm-hmm.
 Chandler: How long it took to go back in the water?
 Monica: Chandler, we can't let this tape wreck Valentine's Day!
 Chandler: You don't know. You didn't see it.
 Monica: Child-birth, it's a natural thing! It's beautiful.
 Chandler: Oh, beautiful? Really? Beautiful? You think this is beautiful? (picks up
 the remote and presses a button, and he immediately makes a face that just looks like
 he's going to throw up!)
 Monica: Oh! Oh, my God! No wonder my mother hates me!
 Chandler: See, honey, there's (puts his hand on her leg)
 Monica: Don't touch me!
 [Scene: Central Perk. Ross is sitting on the couch reading a magazine as Mona enters.]
 Mona: Hi!
 Ross: Hey! (they hug) So, how was Atlantic City?
 Mona: Good.
 Ross: Yeah?
 Mona: I brought you back a present.
 Ross: Wha ? Oh, come on. You didn't have to saltwater taffy?! (Mona
 laughs) Thanks! This is interesting. You know, most people think this is made with sea
 water, but it's actually made with, uh, salted fresh water. That's not
 interesting.
 Mona: I think it's interesting.
 Ross: I do too! I missed you!
 Mona: I missed you, too! So, how was your week?
 Ross: Oh, it was good! It was good. Actually, the baby started kicking!
 Mona: How exciting!
 Ross: Yeah! I know! It was. Oh  the only sad thing is I wasn't around
 when it happened for the first time.
 Mona: Oh no.
 Ross: Yeah, I'm missing out on all this other stuff, too. So, Joey suggested
 Rachel move in with me.
 Mona: (laughing) Yeah right!
 Ross: What?
 Mona: Joey cracks me up! It's like,  Yeah, why don't you have your
 ex-wife move in with you? That wouldn't be awkward at all!' (she laughs again)
 Ross: (not amused) Huh uh-huh.
 Mona: Huh, could you imagine. I go away for a few days, and come back, and my
 boyfriend is living with some woman he got pregnant! (Mona laughs yes again!)
 (Ross fake laughs, obviously not finding this funny, and he's starting to panic,
 so he shoves the whole saltwater taffy he's eating in his mouth)
 Mona: So, what'd you tell him?
 Ross: (with his mouth full) Just a second! (he fake laughs, but turns his head and
 starts to break down)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Central Perk. Ross and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.]
 Phoebe: How could you not tell Mona that Rachel is living with you?
 Ross: I don't know, she seemed to think it was such a crazy idea! Um, plus,
 she, uh, she got me taffy!