 The One Where Monica Gets a New Roomate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version)
 The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version)
 Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane
 Transcribed by: guineapig
 Additional transcribing by: Eric Aasen
 (Note: The previously unseen parts of this episode are shown in blue text.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are there.]
 Monica: There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy
 I work with!
 Joey: C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's
 gotta be something wrong with him!
 Chandler: All right Joey, be
 nice. So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?
 Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk?
 (They all stare, bemused.)
 Phoebe: Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through
 what I went through with Carl- oh!
 Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a
 date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex.
 Chandler: Sounds like a date to me.
 [Time Lapse]
 Chandler: Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm
 standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked.
 All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream.
 Chandler: Then I look down, and I realize there's a
 phone... there.
 Joey: Instead of...?
 Chandler: That's right.
 Joey: Never had that dream.
 Phoebe: No.
 Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring.
 Now I don't know what to do, everybody starts looking at me.
 Monica: And they weren't looking at
 you before?!
 Chandler: Finally, I figure
 I'd better answer it, and it turns out it's my mother,
 which is very-very weird, because- she never calls me!
 [Time Lapse, Ross has entered.]
 Ross: (mortified) Hi.
 Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.
 Monica: Are you okay, sweetie?
 Ross: I just feel like someone reached down my
 throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my
 neck...
 Chandler: Cookie?
 Monica: (explaining to the others) Carol moved her
 stuff out today.
 Joey: Ohh.
 Monica: (to Ross) Let me get you some coffee.
 Ross: Thanks.
 Phoebe: Ooh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at the air
 just in front of Ross.)
 Ross: No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just
 leave my aura alone, okay?
 Phoebe: Fine! Be murky!
 Ross: I'll be fine,
 alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy.
 Monica: No you don't.
 Ross: No I don't, to hell with her, she left me!
 Joey: And you never knew she was a lesbian...
 Ross: No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on
 that? She didn't know, how should I know?
 Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (They
 all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud?
 Ross: I told mom and dad last night,
 they seemed to take it pretty well.
 Monica: Oh really, so that
 hysterical phone call I got from a woman at sobbing 3:00 A.M., 'I'll never have
 grandchildren, I'll never have grandchildren.' was what? A wrong number?
 Ross: Sorry.
 Joey: Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of
 pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?
 (Ross gestures his consent.)
 Joey: Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some
 hormones!
 Ross: I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I
 just- I just wanna be married again!
 (Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to search
 the room.)
 Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! (He
 extends his hand hopefully.)
 Monica: Rachel?!
 Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just went to
 your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be
 here and you are, you are!
 Waitress: Can I get you some coffee?
 Monica: (pointing at Rachel) De-caff. (to All) Okay,
 everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. (to Rachel) This is everybody,
 this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross?
 Rachel: Hi, sure!
 Ross: Hi.
 (They go to hug but Ross's umbrella opens. He sits
 back down defeated again. A moment of silence follows as Rachel sits and the others
 expect her to explain.)
 Monica: So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting
 for four wet bridesmaids?
 Rachel: Oh God... well, it started about a half hour
 before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was
 looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden-
 (to the waitress that brought her coffee)Sweet 'n' Lo?- I realized that I was more turned
 on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it
 hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, I always knew looked
 familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I
 doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. (to Monica) So anyway I just didn't know where
 to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I
 knew who lived here in the city.


Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding.
 Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an
 issue... [Scene: Monica's Apartment, everyone is there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV
 and are trying to figure out what is going on.]
 Monica: Now I'm guessing that he bought her the big
 pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it.
 Chandler: (imitating the characters)
 Tuna or egg salad? Decide!
 Ross: (in a deep voice) I'll have
 whatever Christine is having.
 Rachel: (on phone) Daddy, I just... I can't marry
 him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it matters to me!
 (The scene on TV has changed to show two
 women, one is holding her hair.)
 Phoebe: If I let go of
 my hair, my head will fall off.
 Chandler: (re TV) Ooh, she should not be wearing
 those pants.
 Joey: I say push her down the stairs.
 Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey:
 Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs!
 (She is pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers.)
 Rachel: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! It's like, it's
 like, all of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a
 shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a
 shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I'm not saying I want you
 to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy!
 Ross: You can see where he'd have trouble.
 Rachel: Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll
 just stay here with Monica.
 Monica: Well, I guess we've established who's
 staying here with Monica...
 Rachel: Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe
 I don't need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!!
 [Time Lapse, Rachel is breating into a paper bag.]
 Monica: Just breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try
 to think of nice calm things...
 Phoebe: (sings) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and
 kittens, (Rachel and Monica turn to look at her.) bluebells and sleighbells and- something
 with mittens... La la la la...something and noodles with
 string. These are a few...
 Rachel: I'm all better now.
 Phoebe: (grins and walks to the kitchen and says to
 Chandler and Joey.) I helped!
 Monica: Okay, look, this is probably for the best,
 y'know? Independence. Taking control of your life. The whole,
 'hat' thing.
 Joey: (comforting her) And hey, you need anything,
 you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live across the hall. And he's away a lot.
 Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding
 day!
 Joey: What, like there's a rule or something?
 (The door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it.)
 Chandler: Please don't do that again, it's a
 horrible sound.
 Paul: (over the intercom) It's, uh,
 it's Paul.
 Monica: Oh God, is it
 6:30? Buzz him in!
 Joey: Who's Paul?
 Ross: Paul the Wine Guy, Paul?
 Monica: Maybe. Joey: Wait. Your 'not a real
 date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy?
 Ross: He finally asked you out?
 Monica: Yes!
 Chandler: Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment.
 Monica: Rach, wait, I can cancel...
 Rachel: Please, no, go, that'd be fine!
 Monica: (to Ross) Are, are you okay? I mean, do you
 want me to stay?
 Ross: (choked voice) That'd be good...
 Monica: (horrified) Really?
 Ross: (normal voice) No, go on! It's Paul the Wine
 Guy!
 Phoebe: What does that mean?
 Does he sell it, drink it, or just complain a lot? (Chandler doesn't know.)
 (There's a knock on the door and it's Paul.)
 Monica: Hi, come in! Paul, this is.. (They are all
 lined up next to the door.)... everybody, everybody, this is Paul.
 All: Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey!
 Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul,
 was it?
 Monica: Okay, umm-umm, I'll
 just--I'll be right back, I just gotta go ah, go ah...
 Ross: A wandering?
 Monica: Change! Okay,
 sit down. (Shows Paul in) Two seconds.
 Phoebe: Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That
 can't be good.
 (Monica goes to change.)
 Joey: Hey, Paul!
 Paul: Yeah?
 Joey: Here's a little tip, she
 really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over and over again until
 it starts to get a little red.
 Monica: (yelling from the bedroom)
 Shut up, Joey!
 Ross: So Rachel, what're you, uh... what're you up
 to tonight?
 Rachel: Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for
 Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing!
 Ross: Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon,
 God.. No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year... talk about your- (thinks) -big
 lizards... Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, Joey and Chandler are
 coming over to help me put together my new furniture.


Chandler: (deadpan) Yes, and we're very excited
 about it.
 Rachel: Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just
 gonna hang out here tonight. It's been kinda a long day.
 Ross: Okay, sure.
 Joey: Hey Pheebs, you wanna help?
 Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: The Subway, Phoebe is singing for
 change.]
 Phoebe: (singing) Love is sweet as
 summer showers, love is a wondrous work of art, but your love oh your love, your love...is
 like a giant pigeon...crapping on my heart. La-la-la-la-la- (some guy gives her some
 change and to that guy) Thank you. (sings) La-la-la-la...ohhh!
 [Scene: Ross's Apartment, the guys are there assembling
 furniture.]
 Ross: (squatting and reading the instructions) I'm
 supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little worm
 guys. I have no brackety thing, I see no whim guys whatsoever and- I cannot feel my legs.
 (Joey and Chandler are finishing assembling
 the bookcase.)
 Joey: I'm thinking we've got a
 bookcase here.
 Chandler: It's a beautiful thing.
 Joey: (picking up a leftover part) What's this?
 Chandler: I would have to
 say that is an 'L'-shaped bracket.
 Joey: Which goes where?
 Chandler: I have no
 idea.
 (Joey checks that Ross is not looking and dumps it in a
 plant.)
 Joey: Done with the bookcase!
 Chandler: All finished!
 Ross: (clutching a beer can and sniffing) This was
 Carol's favorite beer. She always drank it out of the can, I should have known.
 Joey: Hey-hey-hey-hey, if you're
 gonna start with that stuff we're outta here.
 Chandler: Yes, please don't spoil
 all this fun.
 Joey: Ross, let me ask you a question. She got the
 furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you get?
 Ross: You guys.
 Chandler: Oh, God.
 Joey: You got screwed.
 Chandler: Oh my God!
 [Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are eating.]
 Monica: Oh my God!
 Paul: I know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I guess I
 should have caught on when she started going to the dentist four and five times a week. I
 mean, how clean can teeth get?
 Monica: My brother's going through that right now,
 he's such a mess. How did you get through it?
 Paul: Well, you might try accidentally breaking
 something valuable of hers, say her-
 Monica: -leg?
 Paul: (laughing) That's one way! Me, I- I went for
 the watch.
 Monica: You actually broke her watch? Wow! The worst thing I ever did was, I-I shredded by
 boyfriend's favorite bath towel.
 Paul: Ooh, steer clear of you.
 Monica: That's right.
 [Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is talking on the phone and pacing.]
 Rachel: Barry, I'm sorry... I am so sorry... I know
 you probably think that this is all about what I said the other day about you making love
 with your socks on, but it isn't... it isn't, it's about me, and I ju- (She stops talking
 and dials the phone.) Hi, machine cut me off again... anyway...look,
 look, I know that some girl is going to be incredibly lucky to become Mrs. Barry Finkel,
 but it isn't me, it's not me. And not that I have any idea who me is right now, but
 you just have to give me a chance too... (The maching cuts her off again and she redials.)
 [Scene: Ross's Apartment; Ross is pacing while Joey and
 Chandler are working on some more furniture.]
 Ross: I'm divorced! I'm only
 26 and I'm divorced!
 Joey: Shut up!
 Chandler: You must stop! (Chandler
 hits what he is working on with a hammer and it collapses.)
 Ross: That only took me an hour.
 Chandler: Look, Ross, you gotta
 understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento.
  You, however have had the love of a woman for four years.
 Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and
 that is why we don't do it! I don't think that was my point!
 Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if
 there's only one woman for everybody, y'know? I mean what if you get one woman- and that's
 it? Unfortunately in my case, there was only one woman- for her...
 Joey: What are you talking about? 'One woman'?
 That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Lemme tell you something,
 Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing!
 Cherry Vanilla. You could get 'em with Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the
 best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, like, what, eight?
 Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!
 Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.
 Chandler: Stay out of my freezer! [Scene: A
 Restaurant, Monica and Paul are still eating.]
 Paul: Ever since she walked out on me, I, uh...


Monica: What?..... What, you wanna spell it out with
 noodles?
 Paul: No, it's, it's more of a fifth date kinda
 revelation.
 Monica: Oh, so there is gonna be a fifth date?
 Paul: Isn't there?
 Monica: Yeah... yeah, I think there is. -What were
 you gonna say?
 Paul: Well, ever-ev-... ever since she left me, um,
 I haven't been able to, uh, perform. (Monica takes a sip of her drink.) ...Sexually.
 Monica: (spitting out her drink in shock) Oh God, oh
 God, I am sorry... I am so sorry...
 Paul: It's okay...
 Monica: I know being spit on is probably not what
 you need right now. Um... how long?
 Paul: Two years.
 Monica: Wow! I'm-I'm-I'm glad you smashed her watch!
 Paul: So you still think you, um... might want that
 fifth date?
 Monica: (pause)...Yeah. Yeah, I do.
 [Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is watching Joanne
 Loves Chaci.]
 Priest on TV:
 We are gathered here today to join Joanne Louise Cunningham and
 Charles, Chachi-Chachi-Chachi, Arcola in the bound of holy matrimony.
 Rachel: Oh...see... but Joanne loved Chachi! That's
 the difference!
 [Scene: Ross's Apartment, they're all sitting around and
 talking.]
 Ross: (scornful) Grab a spoon. Do you know how long
 it's been since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the words 'Billy, don't be a hero' mean anything
 to you?
 Joey: Great story! But, I uh,
 I gotta go, I got a date with Andrea--Angela--Andrea... Oh man, (looks to Chandler)
 Chandler: Angela's the screamer,
 Andrea has cats.
 Joey: Right. Thanks.
 It's June. I'm outta here. (Exits.)
 Ross: Y'know, here's the thing. Even if I could get
 it together enough to- to ask a woman out,... who am I gonna ask? (He gazes out of the
 window.)
 [Cut to Rachel staring out of her window.]
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is making coffee for
 Joey and Chandler.]
 Rachel: Isn't this amazing? I mean, I have never
 made coffee before in my entire life.
 Chandler: That is amazing.
 Joey: Congratulations.
 Rachel: Y'know, I figure if I can
 make coffee, there isn't anything I can't do.
 Chandler: If can invade Poland,
 there isn't anything I can't do.
 Joey: Listen, while you're on a roll, if you feel
 like you gotta make like a Western omelet or something... (Joey and Chandler taste the
 coffee, grimace, and pour it into a plant pot.) Although actually I'm really not that
 hungry...
 Monica: (entering, to herself) Oh
 good, Lenny and Squigy are here.
 All: Morning. Good morning.
 Paul: (entering from Monica's room)
 Morning.
 Joey: Morning, Paul.
 Rachel: Hello, Paul.
 Chandler: Hi, Paul, is it?
 (Monica and Paul walk to the door and talk in a low voice
 so the others can't hear. The others move Monica's table closer to the door so that
 they can.)
 Paul: Thank you! Thank you so
 much!
 Monica: Stop!
 Paul: No, I'm telling you last night
 was like umm, all my birthdays, both graduations, plus the barn raising scene in Witness.
 Monica: We'll talk later.
 Paul: Yeah. (They kiss) Thank you. (Exits)
 Joey: That wasn't a real date?! What the hell do you
 do on a real date?
 Monica: Shut up, and put my table back.
 All: Okayyy! (They do so.)
 Chandler: All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I
 don't input those numbers,... it doesn't make much of a difference...
 Rachel: So, like, you guys all have jobs?
 Monica: Yeah, we all have jobs. See, that's how we
 buy stuff.
 Joey: Yeah, I'm an actor.
 Rachel: Wow! Would I have seen you in anything?
 Joey: I doubt it. Mostly regional work.
 Monica: Oh wait, wait, unless you happened to catch
 the Reruns' production of Pinocchio, at the little theater in the
 park.
 Joey: Look, it was a job all right?
 Chandler: 'Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.'
 Joey: I will not take this abuse. (Walks to the door
 and opens it to leave.)
 Chandler: You're right, I'm sorry. (Burst into song
 and dances out of the door.) 'Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy...'
 Joey: You should both know,
 that he's a dead man. Oh, Chandler? (Starts after Chandler.)
 Monica: So how you doing today? Did you sleep okay?
 Talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling.
 Rachel: I can see that. You look like you slept with
 a hanger in your mouth.
 Monica: I know, he's just so, so... Do you remember
 you and Tony DeMarco?
 Rachel: Oh, yeah.
 Monica: Well, it's like that. With feelings.
 Rachel: Oh wow. Are you in trouble.
 Monica: Big time!
 Rachel: Want a wedding dress?
 Hardly used.
 Monica: I think we are getting
 a little ahead of selves here. Okay. Okay. I am just going to get up, go to work
 and not think about him all day. Or else I'm just gonna get up and go to work.


Rachel: Oh, look, wish me luck!
 Monica: What for?
 Rachel: I'm gonna go get one of those (Thinks) job
 things.
 (Monica exits.)
 [Scene: Iridium, Monica is working as Frannie enters.]
 Frannie: Hey, Monica!
 Monica: Hey Frannie, welcome back! How was Florida?
 Frannie: You had sex, didn't you?
 Monica: How do you do that?
 Frannie: Oh, I hate you, I'm pushing my Aunt Roz through
 Parrot Jungle and you're having sex! So? Who?
 Monica: You know Paul?
 Frannie: Paul the Wine Guy? Oh yeah, I know Paul.
 Monica: You mean you know Paul like I know Paul?
 Frannie: Are you kidding? I take credit for Paul. Y'know before me, there was no
 snap in his turtle for two years.
 [Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Rachel is there.]
 Joey: (sitting on the arm of the couch)Of course it was a line!
 Monica: Why?! Why? Why, why would anybody do something like that?
 Ross: I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than 'to get you
 into bed'.
 Monica: I hate men! I hate men!
 Phoebe: Oh no, don't hate, you don't
 want to put that out into the universe.
 Monica: Is it me? Is it like I have some sort of
 beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?
 Phoebe: All right, c'mere, gimme your feet. (She starts massaging them.)
 Monica: I just thought he was nice, y'know?
 Joey: (bursts out laughing again) I can't believe you didn't know it was a line!
 (Monica pushes him off of the sofa as Rachel enters with a shopping bag.)
 Rachel: Guess what?
 Ross: You got a job?
 Rachel: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed out of twelve
 interviews today.
 Chandler: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat.
 Rachel: You would be too if you found John and David boots on sale, fifty
 percent off!
 Chandler: Oh, how well you know me...
 Rachel: They're my new 'I don't need a job, I don't need my parents, I've got
 great boots' boots!
 Monica: How'd you pay for them?
 Rachel: Uh, credit card.
 Monica: And who pays for that?
 Rachel: Um... my... father.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is sitting around the kitchen table.
 Rachel's credit cards are spread out on the table along with a pair of scissors.]
 Rachel: Oh God, come on you
 guys, is this really necessary? I mean, I can stop charging anytime I want.
 Monica: C'mon, you can't live off your parents your whole life.
 Rachel: I know that. That's why I was getting married.
 Phoebe: Give her a break, it's hard being on your own for the first time.
 Rachel: Thank you.
 Phoebe: You're welcome. I remember when I first came to this city. I was
 fourteen. My mom had just killed herself and my step-dad was back in prison, and I got
 here, and I didn't know anybody. And I ended up living with this albino guy who was, like,
 cleaning windshields outside port authority, and then he killed himself, and then I found
 aromatherapy. So believe me, I know exactly how you feel.
 (Pause)
 Ross: The word you're looking for is 'Anyway'...
 Monica: All right, you ready?
 Rachel: No. No, no, I'm not
 ready! How can I be ready? 'Hey, Rach! You ready to jump out the
 airplane without your parachute?' Come on, I can't do this!
 Monica: You can, I know you
 can!
 Rachel: I don't think so.
 Ross: Come on, you made
 coffee!  You can do anything! (Chandler slowly tries to hide the now dead plant from
 that morning when he and Joey poured their coffee into it.)
 Ross: C'mon, cut. Cut, cut, cut,...
 All: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut... (She cuts one of them and they cheer.)
 Rachel: Y'know what? I think
 we can just leave it at that. It's kinda like a symbolic gesture...
 Monica: Rachel!
 That was a library card!
 All: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut..
 Chandler: (as Rachel is cutting up
 her cards) Y'know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream.
 (She finishes cutting them up and they all
 cheer.)
 Monica: Welcome to the real world! It sucks. You're
 gonna love it!
 [Time Lapse, Rachel and Ross are watching a TV channel finishes it's broadcast day by
 playing the national anthem.]
 Monica: Well, that's it (To Ross) You gonna crash on the couch?
 Ross: No. No, I gotta go home sometime.
 Monica: You be okay?
 Ross: Yeah.
 Rachel: Hey Mon, look what I just found on the floor. (Monica smiles.) What?
 Monica: That's Paul's watch. You just put it back where you found it. Oh boy.
 Alright. Goodnight, everybody.
 Ross and


 The One With The Sonogram at the End
 The One With the Sonogram at the End
 Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane
 Transcribed by: guineapig
 [Scene Central Perk, everyone's there.]
 Monica: What you guys don't understand is, for us,
 kissing is as important as any part of it.
 Joey: Yeah, right!.......Y'serious?
 Phoebe: Oh, yeah!
 Rachel: Everything you need to know is in that first kiss.
 Monica: Absolutely.
 Chandler: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act,
 y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd
 comes out.
 Ross: Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that...
 that's not why we bought the ticket.
 Chandler: The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great
 the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're
 in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake.
 Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time
 you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.
 Joey: (pause)....Are we still talking about sex?
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Museum of Prehistoric History, Ross and a co-worker
 (Marsha) are setting up an exhibit which includes some mannequins of cave people.]
 Ross: No, it's good, it is good, it's just that- mm- doesn't she seem a little
 angry?
 Marsha: Well, she has issues.
 Ross: Does she.
 Marsha: He's out banging other women over the head with a club, while she sits
 at home trying to get the mastodon smell out of the carpet!
 Ross: Marsha, these are cave people. Okay? They have issues like 'Gee, that
 glacier's getting kinda close.' See?
 Marsha: Speaking of issues, isn't that your ex-wife?
 (Carol, Ross's ex-wife, has entered behind them and is standing outstide the exhibit.)
 Ross: (trying to ignore her) No. No.
 Marsha: Yes, it is. Carol! Hi!
 Ross: Okay, okay, yes, it is. (waves) How about I'll, uh, catch up with you in
 the Ice Age.
 (Marsha extis and Ross waves Carol into the exhibit.)
 Ross:Hi.
 Carol: So.
 Ross: You look great. I, uh... I hate that.
 Carol: Sorry. You look good too.
 Ross: Ah, well, in here, anyone who... stands erect... So what's new? Still,
 uh...
 Carol: A lesbian?
 Ross: Well... you never know. How's, um.. how's the family?
 Carol: Marty's still totally paranoid. Oh, and, uh-
 Ross: Why- why are you here, Carol?
 Carol: I'm pregnant.
 Ross: Pregnant?!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are watching Three's
 Company.]
 Chandler: Oh, I think this is the episode of Three's
 Company where there's some kind of misunderstanding.
 Phoebe:...Then I've already seen this one! (Turns off the TV.)
 Monica: (taking a drink from Joey) Are you through with that?
 Joey: Yeah, sorry, the swallowing slowed me down.
 Monica: Whose little ball of paper is this?!
 Chandler: Oh, uh, that would be mine. See, I wrote a note to myself, and then I
 realised I didn't need it, so I balled it up and... (sees that Monica is glaring at him)
 ...now I wish I was dead.
 (Monica starts to fluff a pillow.)
 Phoebe: She's already fluffed that pillow... Monica, you know, you've already
 fluffed that- (Monica glares at her.) -but, it's fine!
 Monica: Look , I'm sorry, guys, I just don't wanna give them any more ammunition
 than they already have.
 Chandler: Yes, and we all know how cruel a parent can be about the flatness of a
 child's pillow.
 Phoebe: Monica- Hi! Um, Monica, you're scaring me. I mean, you're like, you're
 like all chaotic and twirly. And not-not in a good way.
 Joey: Yeah, calm down. You don't see Ross getting all chaotic and twirly every
 time they come.
 Monica: That's because as far as my parents are concerned, Ross can do no wrong.
 Y'see, he's the Prince. Apparently they had some big ceremony before I was born.
 Chandler: (looking out the window) Ew, ew, ew, ew ew ew ew ew!
 Monica: What?
 Chandler: Ugly Naked Guy got a Thighmaster!
 All: Eeaagh!
 (Rachel enters from her room.)
 Rachel: Has anybody seen my engagement ring?
 Phoebe: Yeah, it's beautiful.
 Rachel: Oh God, oh God, oh God oh God oh God oh God.... (Starts to look under
 the couch cushions.)
 Phoebe: No, look, don't touch that!
 Rachel: Oh, like I wasn't dreading tomorrow enough, having to give it back to
 him... 'Hi Barry! Remember me? I'm the girl in the veil who stomped on your heart in front
 of your entire family!' Oh God and now I'm gonna have to return the ring, without the
 ring, which makes it so much harder...


Monica: Easy Rach, we'll find it. (To all) Won't we!
 Chandler and Joey: Oh! Yeah!
 Joey: Alright, when'd'ya have it on last?
 Phoebe: Doy! Probably right before she lost it!
 Chandler: You don't get a lot of 'doy' these days...
 Rachel: I know I had it this morning, and I know I had it when I was in the
 kitchen with...
 Chandler: ...Dinah?
 Rachel: (looks at the lasagne and realizes something) Ohhhhh, don't be mad...
 Monica: You didn't.
 Rachel: Oh, I am sorry...
 Monica: I gave you one job! (Starts to examin the lasagne through the bottom of
 the glass pan.)
 Rachel: Oh, but look how straight those noodles are!
 Chandler: Now, Monica, you know that's not how you look for an engagement ring
 in a lasagne...
 Monica: (puts down the lasagne) I just... can't do it.
 Chandler: Boys? We're going in.
 (Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe start to pick through the lasagne as there's a knock on the
 door which Monica answers.)
 Ross: (standing outside the door).....Hi.
 Monica: Wow. That is not a happy hi.
 Ross: Carol's pregnant.
 Phoebe: (while everyone else is stunned) Ooh! I found it!
 Monica: W-w-wh-... wha-... w-w-w-...
 Ross: Yeah. Do that for another two hours, you might be where I am right about
 now. (He enters.)
 Chandler: Kinda puts that whole pillow thing in perspective, huh, Mon?
 Rachel: Well now, how-how do you fit into this whole thing?
 Ross: Well, Carol says she and Susan want me to be involved, but if I'm not
 comfortable with it, I don't have to be involved.. basically it's entirely up to me.
 Phoebe: She is so great! I miss her.
 Monica: What does she mean by 'involved'?
 Chandler: I mean presumably, the biggest part of your job is done.
 Ross: Anyway, they want me to go down to this- sonogram thing with them
 tomorrow.
 Rachel: So what are you gonna do?
 Ross: I have no idea. No matter what I do, though, I'm still gonna be a father.
 (Joey starts to eat the rest of the lasagne and everyone turns and stares at him.)
 Joey: .....Well, this is still ruined, right?
 [Scene, Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross are pouring wine for their
 parents.]
 Mrs. Geller: Oh, Martha Ludwin's daughter is gonna call you. (Tastes a snack)
 Mmm! What's that curry taste?
 Monica: Curry.
 Mrs. Geller: Mmmm!
 Ross: I- I think they're great! I, I really do.
 Mr. Geller: (To Ross) Do you remember the Ludwins? The big one had a thing for
 you, didn't she?
 Mrs. Geller: They all had a thing for him.
 Ross: Aw, Mom...
 Monica: I'm sorry, why is this girl going to call me?
 Mrs. Geller: Oh, she just graduated, and she wants to be something in cooking,
 or food, or.... I don't know. Anyway, I told her you had a restaurant-
 Monica: No Mom, I don't have a restaurant, I work in a restaurant.
 Mrs. Geller: Well, they don't have to know that... (She starts to fluff the same
 pillow Monica fluffed multiple times earlier.)
 Monica: Ross, could you come and help me with the spaghetti, please?
 Ross: Yeah. (They go to the kitchen.)
 Mrs. Geller: Oh, we're having spaghetti! That's.... easy.
 Monica: I know this is going to sound unbelievably selfish, but, were you
 planning on bringing up the whole baby/lesbian thing? Because I think it might take some
 of the heat off me.
 [Time Lapse, everyone is now eating.]
 Mrs. Geller: What that Rachel did to her life.... We ran into her parents at the
 club, they were not playing very well.
 Mr. Geller: I'm not gonna tell you what they spent on that wedding... but forty
 thousand dollars is a lot of money!
 Mrs. Geller: Well, at least she had the chance to leave a man at the altar...
 Monica: What's that supposed to mean?
 Mrs. Geller: Nothing! It's an expression.
 Monica: No it's not.
 Mr. Geller: Don't listen to your mother. You're independent, and you always have
 been! Even when you were a kid... and you were chubby, and you had no friends, you were
 just fine! And you would read alone in your room, and your puzzles...
 [Time Lapse.]
 Mr. Geller: Look, there are people like Ross who
 need to shoot for the stars, with his museum, and his papers getting published. Other
 people are satisfied with staying where they are- I'm telling you, these are the people
 who never get cancer.
 [Time Lapse.]
 Mr. Geller: ...And I read about these women trying to have it all, and I thank
 God 'Our Little Harmonica' doesn't seem to have that problem.


Monica: (trying desperately to change the subject) So, Ross, what's going on
 with you? Any stories? (Digs her elbow into his hand.) No news, no little anecdotes to
 share with the folks?
 Ross: (pulls his hand away) Okay! Okay. (To his parents) Look, I, uh- I realise
 you guys have been wondering what exactly happened between Carol and me, and, so, well,
 here's the deal. Carol's a lesbian. She's living with a woman named Susan. She's pregnant
 with my child, and she and Susan are going to raise the baby.
 (Stunned silence ensues.)
 Mrs. Geller: (To Monica) And you knew about this?!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Central Park, everyone's there.]
 Joey: Your folks are really that bad, huh?
 Ross: Well, y'know, these people are pros. They know what they're doing, they
 take their time, they get the job done.
 Monica: Boy, I know they say you can't change your parents,... boy, if you
 could- (To Ross) -I'd want yours.
 Ross: Must pee. (Goes to pee.)
 Phoebe: Y'know, it's even worse when you're twins.
 Rachel: You're twins?
 Phoebe: Yeah. We don't speak. She's like this high-powered, driven career type.
 Chandler: What does she do?
 Phoebe: She's a waitress.
 Rachel: All right, you guys, I kinda gotta clean up now. (They all start to
 leave.)
 Monica: Chandler, you're an only child, right? You don't have any of this.
 Chandler: Well, no, although I did have an imaginary friend, who... my parents
 actually preferred.
 Rachel: The lights, please..
 (Joey turns off the lights, and they all leave as Rachel starts to clean up. Ross
 enters from the bathroom.)
 Ross: ...How long was I in there?
 Rachel: I'm just cleaning up.
 Ross: D'ya.. uh.. d'ya need any help?
 Rachel: Uh.. okay, sure! Thanks! (She hands him the broom and sits down.)
 Ross: Anyway.. um.. (Starts to sweep.) So, you- uh- you nervous about Barry
 tomorrow?
 Rachel: Oh.. a little..
 Ross: Mm-hmm..
 Rachel: A lot.
 Ross: Mm.
 Rachel: So, got any advice? Y'know, as someone who's recently been- dumped?
 Ross: Well, you may wanna steer clear of the word 'dumped'. Chances are he's
 gonna be this, this broken shell of a man, y'know, so you should try not to look too
 terrific, I know it'll be hard. Or, y'know, uh, hey!, I'll go down there, and I'll give
 Barry back his ring, and you can go with Carol and Susan to the OB/GYN...
 Rachel: Oh, you've got Carol tomorrow.. When did it get so complicated?
 Ross: Got me.
 Rachel: Remember when we were in high school together?
 Ross: Yeah.
 Rachel: I mean, didn't you think you were just gonna meet somone, fall in love-
 and that'd be it? (Ross gazes at her.) ..Ross?
 Ross: Yes, yes!
 Rachel: Oh! Man, I never thought I'd be here.. (She leans back onto his hand.)
 Ross: Me either... (He pulls up a stool so that he doesn't have to move his
 hand.)
 [Scene: Carol's OB/GYN, Carol is waiting.]
 Ross: (entering) Sorry I'm late, I was stuck at work. There was this big
 dinosaur.. thing.. anyway.
 (Susan enters holding a drink.)
 Susan: Hi.
 Carol: Ross, you remember Susan.
 Ross: How could I forget?
 Susan: Ross.
 Ross: (they shake hands) Hello, Susan. (To Carol) Good shake. Good shake. So,
 uh, we're just waiting for...?
 Carol: Dr. Oberman.
 Ross: ..Dr. Oberman. Okay. And is he-
 Susan: She.
 Ross: -she, of course, she- uh- familiar with our.. special situation?
 Carol: Yes, and she's very supportive.
 Ross: Okay, that's great. (Susan gives her drink to Carol.) No, I'm- Oh.
 Carol: Thanks.
 Ross: (picks up a surgical instrament and mimes a duck with it) Quack, quack..
 Carol: Ross? That opens my cervix. (He drops it in horror.)
 [Scene Barry's office, Barry is working on patient, Robbie, as Rachel enters.]
 Rachel: Barry?
 Barry: C'mon in.
 Rachel: (hesitates) Are you sure?
 Barry: Yeah! It's fine, it's fine. Robbie's gonna be here for hours.
 Robbie: Huh?!
 Barry: So, how ya doin?
 Rachel: I'm- uh- I'm okay... You look great!
 Barry: Yeah, well..
 Bernice: (over intercom) Dr. Farber, Jason Greenstein's gagging.
 Barry: (answering the intercom) Be right there. (To Robbie and Rachel) Be back
 in a sec.
 (As Barry exits Robbie stares at Rachel.)
 Rachel: I dumped him.
 Robbie: Okay.
 [Scene: Carol's OB/GYN, they're talking about how this is going to work.]
 Ross: So, um- so how's this, uh, how's this gonna work? Y'know, with us? Y'know,
 when, like, important decisions have to be made?
 Carol: Give me a 'for instance'.


Ross: Well, uh, uh, I don't know, okay, okay, how about with the, uh, with the
 baby's name?
 Carol: Marlon-
 Ross: Marlon?!
 Carol: -if it's a boy, Minnie if it's a girl.
 Ross: ...As in Mouse?
 Carol: As in my grandmother.
 Ross: Still, you- you say Minnie, you hear Mouse. Um, how about, um.. how about
 Julia?
 Carol: Julia..
 Susan: We agreed on Minnie.
 Ross: 'S'funny, um, uh, we agreed we'd spend the rest of our lives together.
 Things change, roll with the punches. I believe Julia's on the table..?
 [Scene: Barry's office, Rachel is doing her makeup in the mirror on Barry's lamp as
 Barry enters.]
 Barry: Sorry about that. So. What have you been up to?
 Rachel: Oh, not much. I-I got a job.
 Barry: Oh, that's great.
 Rachel: Why are- why are you so tanned?
 Barry: Oh, I, uh- I went to Aruba.
 Rachel: Oh no. You went on our honeymoon alone?
 Barry: No. I went with, uh.. Now, this may hurt.
 Robbie: Me?!
 Barry: No! (To Rachel) I went with Mindy.
 Rachel: Mindy?! My maid of honour, Mindy?!
 Barry: Yeah, well, uh, we're kind of a thing now.
 Rachel: Oh! Well, um.. (Grabs his forehand) You've got plugs!
 Barry: Careful! They haven't quite taken yet.
 Rachel: And you've got lenses! But you hate sticking your finger in your eye!
 Barry: Not for her. Listen, I really wanted to thank you.
 Rachel: Okay..
 Barry: See, about a month ago, I wanted to hurt you. More than I've ever wanted
 to hurt anyone in my life. And I'm an orthodontist.
 Rachel: Wow.
 Barry: You know, you were right? I mean, I thought we were happy. We weren't
 happy. But with Mindy, now I'm happy. Spit.
 Rachel: What?
 Robbie: Me. (Spits.)
 Rachel: Anyway, um, (Gets the ring out of her purse.) I guess this belongs to
 you. And thank you for giving it to me.
 Barry: Well, thank you for giving it back.
 (Barry and Rachel look at each other.)
 Robbie: Hello?!
 [Scene: Carol's OB/GYN, they're still arguing about what to name the baby.]
 Susan: Oh, please! What's wrong with Helen?
 Ross: Helen Geller? I don't think so.
 Carol: Hello? It's not gonna be Helen Geller.
 Ross: Thank you!
 Carol: No, I mean it's not Geller.
 Ross: What, it's gonna be Helen Willick?
 Carol: No, actually, um, we talked about Helen Willick-Bunch.
 Ross: Well, wait a minute, wha- why is she in the title?
 Susan: It's my baby too.
 Ross: Oh, 's'funny, really? Um, I don't remember you making any sperm.
 Susan: Yeah, and we all know what a challenge that is!
 Carol: All right, you two, stop it!
 Ross: No no no, she gets a credit, hey, I'm in there too.
 Carol: Ross. You're not actually suggesting Helen Willick-Bunch-Geller? 'Cause I
 think that borders on child abuse.
 Ross: Of course not, I'm... suggesting Geller-Willick-Bunch.
 Susan: Oh, no, nonononono, you see what he's doing? He knows no-one's gonna say
 all those names, so they'll wind up calling her Geller, then he gets his way!
 Ross: My way?! You-you think this is my way? Believe me, of all the ways I ever
 imagined this moment in my life being, this is not my way- y'know what? Uh, um, this is
 too hard. I'm not, I can't do-
 Dr. Oberman: (entering) Knock knock!How are we today? Any nausea?
 All: Yeah. Yeah. A little.
 Dr. Oberman: Well, I was just wondering about the mother-to-be, but.. thanks for
 sharing. (To Carol) Uh, lie back..
 Ross: You- uh- y'know what, I'm gonna go. I don't- I don't think I can be
 involved in this particular thing right now.
 (He turns to go, but the sound of the sonogram catches hes ear. He returns and
 stares at it.)
 Ross: Oh my God.
 Susan: Look at that.
 Carol: I know.
 Closing Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment, everyone is watching the tape of the sonogram.
  Rachel is on the phone.]
 Ross: Well? Isn't that amazing?
 Joey: What are we supposed to be seeing here?
 Chandler: I dunno, but.. I think it's about to attack the Enterprise.
 Phoebe: You know, if you tilt your head to the left, and relax your eyes, it
 kinda looks like an old potato.
 Ross: Then don't do that, alright?
 Phoebe: Okay!
 Ross: (walks over to where Monica is standing)Monica. Whaddya think?
 Monica: (welling up) Mm-hmm.
 Ross: Wh- are you welling up?
 Monica: No.
 Ross: You are, you're welling up.


 The One With The Thumb
 The One With the Thumb
 Written by: Jeffrey Astrof & Mike Sikowitz.
 Transcribed by: guineapig
 [Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe is there.]
 Phoebe: (entering) Hi guys!
 All: Hey, Pheebs! Hi!
 Ross: Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it go?
 Phoebe: Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said 'We should do this
 again!'
 All: Ohh. Ouch.
 Rachel: What? He said 'we should do it again', that's good, right?
 Monica: Uh, no. Loosely translated 'We should do this again' means 'You will
 never see me naked'.
 Rachel: Since when?
 Joey: Since always. It's like dating language. Y'know, like 'It's not you' means
 'It is you'.
 Chandler: Or 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing
 alcoholics and complaining about them to you'.
 Phoebe: Or, or, y'know, um, 'I think we should see other people' means 'Ha, ha,
 I already am'.
 Rachel: And everybody knows this?
 Joey: Yeah. Cushions the blow.
 Chandler: Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to
 sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm.
 Ross: That's funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send
 our dog off to live on a farm.
 Monica: Uh, Ross.
 Ross: What? Wh- hello? The Millners' farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they had
 this unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase and it was-
 it w- .....Oh my God, Chi Chi!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is helping Joey rehearse for a part.]
 Chandler: 'So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?'
 Joey: 'Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over. But you'll have to
 live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die.'
 Chandler: Hey, that was really good!
 Joey: Thanks! Let's keep going.
 Chandler: Okay. 'So. Whaddya want from me, Damone, huh?'
 Joey: 'I just wanna go back to my cell. 'Cause in my cell, I can
 smoke.'
 Chandler: 'Smoke away.'
 (Joey takes out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He fumbles and drops the
 lighter. Then he lights a cigarett, takes a drag, and coughs.)
 Chandler: I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone.
 Joey: What?
 Chandler: Relax your hand!
 (Joey lets his wrist go limp.)
 Chandler: Not so much!
 Joey: Whoah!
 Chandler: Hey!
 Joey: Hey!
 Chandler: Alright, now try taking a puff.
 (Joey tries and visibly winces.)
 Chandler: Alright.. okay. No. Give it to me.
 Joey: No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette.
 Chandler: It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here.
 (Joey reluctantly gives him the cigarette.)
 Chandler: Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been
 missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete.
 Joey: Y'miss it?
 Chandler: Nah, not so much. Alright, now we smoke. (Takes a puff.) Oh.. my..
 God. (He continues to smoke.)
 [Scene, Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe and Rachel is there.]
 Monica: No, no, no. They say it's the same as the distance from the tip of a
 guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger.
 (The guys stretch out their fingers.)
 Joey: That's ridiculous!
 Ross: Can I use.. either thumb?
 Rachel: (carrying a tray of drinks) Alright, don't tell me, don't tell me!
 (Starts handing them out.) Decaf cappucino for Joey.. Coffee black.. Late.. And an iced
 tea. I'm getting pretty good at this!
 All: Yeah. Yeah, excellent.
 Rachel: (leaving to serve others) Good for me!
 (The gang swaps all the drinks for what they ordered as Phoebe enters. She sits
 down without saying hi.)
 Joey: Y'okay, Phoebe?
 Phoebe: Yeah- no- I'm just- it's, I haven't worked- It's my bank.
 Monica: What did they do to you?
 Phoebe: It's nothing, it's just- Okay. I'm going through my mail, and I open up
 their monthly, you know, STATEMENT-
 Ross: Easy.
 Phoebe: - and there's five hundred extra dollars in my account.
 Chandler: Oh, Satan's minions at work again...
 Phoebe: Yes, 'cause now I have to go down there, and deal with them.
 Joey: What are you talking about? Keep it!
 Phoebe: It's not mine, I didn't earn it, if I kept it, it would be like
 stealing.
 Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!
 Phoebe: Okay. Okay, let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know
 what I'd hear, with every step I took? 'Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.' And even if I was
 happy, okay, and, and skipping- 'Not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine,
 not-not-mine'...


Monica: We're with you. We got it.
 (Chandler leans over the back of the couch out of sight.)
 Phoebe: Okay. I'd- just- I'd never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this
 giant karmic debt.
 Rachel: Chandler, what are you doing?
 Monica: (puling him up) Hey. Whaddya doing?
 (Chandler tries to shrug nonchalantly but eventually he has to exhale a mouthful of
 smoke.)
 All: Oh! Oh, God!
 Ross: What is this?!
 Chandler: I'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm smoking.
 Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you! You've been so good, for three years!
 Chandler: And this- is my reward!
 Ross: Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what you went through the last
 time you quit.
 Chandler: Okay, so this time I won't quit!
 All: Ohhh! Put it out!
 Chandler: All right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out. (He drops it in
 Phoebe's coffee.)
 Phoebe: Oh, no! I- I can't drink this now!
 Monica: Alright. I'm gonna go change, I've got a date.
 Rachel: This Alan again? How's it goin'?
 Monica: 'S'going pretty good, y'know? It's nice, and, we're having fun.
 Joey: So when do we get to meet the guy?
 Monica: Let's see, today's Monday... Never.
 All: Oh, come on! Come on!
 Monica: No. Not after what happened with Steve.
 Chandler: What are you talking about? We love Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!..
 Sorry.
 Monica: Look, I don't even know how I feel about him yet. Just give me a chance
 to figure that out.
 Rachel: Well, then can we meet him?
 Monica: Nope. Schhorry.
 [Scene: Iridium, Monica and Paula are at work.]
 Monica: I mean, why should I let them meet him? I mean, I bring a guy home, and
 within five minutes they're all over him. I mean, they're like- coyotes, picking off the
 weak members of the herd.
 Paula: Listen. As someone who's seen more than her fair share of bad beef, I'll
 tell you: that is not such a terrible thing. I mean, they're your friends, they're just
 looking out after you.
 Monica: I know. I just wish that once, I'd bring a guy home that they actually
 liked.
 Paula: Well, you do realise the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if
 they never get to meet the guy..
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is smoking out on the balcony, Phoebe is absent.]
 Joey: Let it go, Ross.
 Ross: Yeah, well, you didn't know Chi Chi.
 Monica: Do you all promise?
 All: Yeah! We promise! We'll be good!
 Monica: (shouts to Chandler) Chandler? Do you promise to be good?
 (Chandler makes a 'Cross my heart' sign. It starts to rain and he taps on the
 window.)
 Joey: You can come in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside!
 (Chandler sulkilty picks up a garbage can lid and uses it as an umbrella.)
 (Phoebe enters, walks to the couch, sits down, and begins to read a letter without
 saying hi.)
 Ross: Hey, Pheebs.
 Phoebe: 'Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have
 credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and
 hope you'll accept this- (Searches in her purse) -football phone as our free gift.'
 Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone!
 Rachel: What bank is this?
 (The intercom buzzes.)
 Monica: Hey. It's him. (On the intercom) Who is it?
 Alan: (on the intercom) It's Alan.
 Joey: (shouting to Chandler) Chandler! He's here!
 (Chandler comes in, dripping wet.)
 Monica: (to all) Okay, please be good, please. Just remember how much you
 all like me.
 (She opens the door and Alan enters.)
 Monica: Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan.
 Alan: Hi.
 All: Hi, Alan.
 Alan: I've heard schho much about all you guyschh!
 (Everyone laughs.)
 [Time lapse, Alan is leaving.]
 Monica: (to Alan) Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow. (Alan exits, to all) Okay.
 Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing begin. Who's gonna take the first shot, hmm?
 (Silence.)
 Monica: C'mon!
 Ross: ...I'll go. Let's start with the way he kept picking at- no, I'm sorry, I
 can't do this, can't do this. We loved him.
 All: Loved him! Yeah! He's great!
 Monica: Wait a minute! We're talking about someone that I'm going out
 with?
 All: Yeah!
 Rachel: And did you notice...? (She spreads her thumb and index finger.)
 The Guys: (reluctantly) Yeah.
 Joey: Know what was great? The way his smile was kinda crooked.
 Phoebe: Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe!


Ross: ...What shoe?
 Phoebe: From the nursery rhyme. 'There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked
 smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...'
 (Dubious pause.)
 Ross: ...So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future
 boyfriends will be measured.
 Rachel: What future boyfriends? Nono, I th- I think this could be, y'know, it.
 Monica: Really!
 Chandler: Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhof impression alone.
 You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right? (Does the impression)
 Ross: You know what I like most about him, though?
 All: What?
 Ross: The way he makes me feel about myself.
 All: Yeah...
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Central Perk, Monica is alone as Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Joey enter
 dejectedly in softball gear.]
 Monica: Hi.. how was the game?
 Ross: Well..
 All: WE WON!! Thank you! Yes!
 Monica: Fantastic! I have one question: How is that possible?
 Joey: Alan.
 Ross: He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where
 Bugs is playing all the positions, right, but instead of Bugs it was first base-Alan,
 second base-Alan, third base-...
 Rachel: I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a team.
 Chandler: Yep, we sure showed those Hassidic jewellers a thing or two about
 softball..
 Monica: Can I ask you guys a question? D'you ever think that Alan is maybe..
 sometimes..
 Ross: What?
 Monica: ..I dunno, a little too Alan?
 Rachel: Well, no. That's impossible. You can never be too Alan.
 Ross: Yeah, it's his, uh, innate Alan-ness that-that-that we adore.
 Chandler: I personally could have a gallon of Alan.
 [Scene: A street, Phoebe walks up to a homeless person (Lizzie) she knows.]
 Phoebe: Hey, Lizzie.
 Lizzie: Hey, Weird Girl.
 Phoebe: I brought you alphabet soup.
 Lizzie: Did you pick out the vowels?
 Phoebe: Yes. But I left in the Ys. 'Cause, y'know, 'sometimes y'. Uh,
 I also have something else for you. (She searches in her purse.)
 Lizzie: Saltines?
 Phoebe: No, but would you like a thousand dollars and a football phone?
 Lizzie: What? (She opens the envelope Phoebe has given her.) Oh my God, there's
 really money in here.
 Phoebe: I know.
 Lizzie: Weird Girl, what are you doing?
 Phoebe: No, I want you to have it. I don't want it.
 Lizzie: No, no, I ha-I have to give you something.
 Phoebe: Oh, that's fine, no.
 Lizzie: Would you like my tin-foil hat?
 Phoebe: No. 'Cause you need that. No, it's okay, thanks.
 Lizzie: Please, let me do something.
 Phoebe: Okay, alright, you buy me a soda, and then we're even. Okay?
 Lizzie: Okay.
 Phoebe: Okay.
 [Scene: Chandler's office, Chandler looks around, opens his desk drawer, takes a puff
 of a cigarette, sprays around some air freshener, and takes some breath spray. He
 types for a little while, opens the drawer again, and takes another drag of the cigarette.
  While not paying attention, he sprays the breath spray around the room, takes a
 squirt of air freshener and gags.]
 [Scene: A Street, Phoebe and Lizzie are at a hot dog vendor.]
 Lizzie: Keep the change. (To Phoebe) Sure you don't wanna pretzel?
 Phoebe: No, I'm fine.
 Lizzie: (leaves) See ya.
 (Phoebe opens the can and reacts.)
 Phoebe: Huh!
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is telling everyone about her discovery.]
 Ross: A thumb?!
 (Phoebe nods.)
 All: Eww!
 Phoebe: I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there,
 like this tiny little hitch-hiker!
 Chandler: Well, maybe it's a contest, y'know? Like, collect all five?
 Phoebe: Does, um, anyone wanna see?
 All: Nooo!
 (Chandler lights a cigarette.)
 All: Oh, hey, don't do that! Cut it out!
 Rachel: It's worse than the thumb!
 Chandler: Hey, this is so unfair!
 Monica: Oh, why is it unfair?
 Chandler: So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking
 isn't annoying? And Ross, with his over-pronouncing every single word? And Monica, with
 that snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? ...I accept all those
 flaws, why can't you accept me for this?
 (An awkward silence ensues.)
 Joey: ...Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody?
 Rachel: Well, I-I could live without it.
 Joey: Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when Phoebe chews her
 hair?
 (Phoebe spits out her hair.)
 Ross: Oh, now, don't listen to him, Pheebs, I think it's endearing.
 Joey: Oh, (Imitating Ross) 'you do, do you'?
 (Monica laughs and snorts.)


Ross: You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly.
 Rachel: 'Indeed there isn't'... I should really get back to work.
 Phoebe: Yeah, 'cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered.
 Rachel: Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on.
 (They degenerate into bickering and Chandler happily starts to smoke, undisturbed.)
 [Scene: Iridium, Monica and Paula are working.]
 Monica: Did you ever go out with a guy your friends all really like?
 Paula: No.
 Monica: Okay.. Well, I'm going out with a guy my friends all really like.
 Paula: Waitwait.. we talking about the coyotes here? All right, a cow got
 through!
 Monica: Can you believe it? ...Y'know what? I just don't feel the thing.
 I mean, they feel the thing, I don't feel the thing.
 Paula: Honey.. you should always feel the thing. Listen, if that's how
 you feel about the guy, Monica, dump him!
 Monica: I know.. it's gonna be really hard.
 Paula: Well, he's a big boy, he'll get over it.
 Monica: No, he'll be fine. It's the other five I'm worried about.
 [Scene: Cental Perk, Joey and Ross are persecuting Chandler about his smoking.]
 Joey: Do you have any respect for your body?
 Ross: Don't you realise what you're-you're doing to yourself?
 Chandler: Hey, y'know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your
 emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it.
 Rachel: (holding the phone out to Chandler) Chandler? It's Alan, he wants to
 speak to you.
 Chandler: Really? He does? (taking the phone) Hey, buddy, what's up! Oh, she
 told you about that, huh. Well, yeah, I have one now and then. Well, yeah, now. Well, it's
 not that big- ..well, that's true,.. Gee, y'know, no-one- no-one's ever put it like that
 before. Well, okay, thanks! (He hands the phone back and stubs out his cigarette.)
 Rachel: (to Ross, who has wandered up) God, he's good.
 Ross: If only he were a woman.
 Rachel: Yeah.
 (They give each other a dubious look.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyond except Monica and Joey is watching Lambchop.]
 Chandler: Ooh, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my hand for
 thirty years it'd be talking too.
 Ross: Okay. I think it's time to change somebody's nicotine patch. (Does so.)
 Monica: (entering) Hey. Where's Joey?
 Chandler: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was
 wrong?
 Rachel: I think he's across the hall.
 Monica: Thanks. (Goes to fetch him.)
 Ross: (finishing changing Chandler's nicotine patch) There y'go.
 Chandler: (deadpan) Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now.
 Ross: Hey Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart?.. Pheebs?
 Phoebe: Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart?
 Ross: Hey, I might!
 Phoebe: Sorry. ..Y'know, those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand dollars
 for the thumb.
 All: You're kidding. Oh my God.
 Phoebe: And on my way over here, I stepped in gum. ...What is up with the
 universe?!
 Joey: (dragged in by Monica, he has just gotten out of the shower) What's going
 on?
 Monica: Nothing. I just think it's nice when we're all here together.
 Joey: Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear..
 Rachel: Uh, Joey..
 Joey: Oh, God! (Hurriedly closes his legs.)
 Monica: (turns off the TV) Okay..
 All: Oh! That was Lambchop!
 Monica: Please, guys, we have to talk.
 Phoebe: Wait, wait, I'm getting a deja vu...no, I'm not.
 Monica: Alright, we have to talk.
 Phoebe: There it is!
 Monica: Okay. It's-it's about Alan. There's something that you should know. I
 mean, there's really no easy way to say this.. uh.. I've decided to break up with Alan.
 (They all gasp and clutch each other.)
 Ross: Is there somebody else?
 Monica: No, nononono.. it's just.. things change. People change.
 Rachel: We didn't change..
 Joey: So that's it? It's over? Just like that?
 Phoebe: You know.. you let your guard down, you start to really care about
 someone, and I just- I- (starts chewing her hair)
 Monica: Look, I- I could go on pretending-
 Joey: Okay!
 Monica: -but that wouldn't be fair to me, it wouldn't be fair to Alan- It
 wouldn't be fair to you!
 Ross: Who-who wants fair? Y'know, I just want things back. Y'know, the way they
 were.
 Monica: I'm sorry..
 Chandler: (sarcastic) Oh, she's sorry! I feel better!
 Rachel: (tearful) I just can't believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming
 up- I wanted him to meet my family-
 Monica: I'll meet somone else. There'll be other Alans.
 All: Oh, yeah! Right!


 The One With George Stephanopoulos
 The One With George Stephanopoulos
 Written by: Alexa Junge
 Transcribed by: guineapig
 [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except Joey.]
 Monica: Alright. Phoebe?
 Phoebe: Okay, okay. If I were omnipotent for a day,
 I would want, um, world peace, no more hunger, good things for the rain-forest...And
 bigger boobs!
 Ross: Yeah, see.. you took mine. Chandler, what
 about you?
 Chandler: Uh, if I were omnipotent for a day, I'd..
 make myself omnipotent forever.
 Rachel: See, there's always one guy. (Mocking)
 'If I had a wish, I'd wish for three more wishes.' (Joey enters.)
 All: Hey Joey. Hi. Hey, buddy.
 Monica: Hey, Joey, what would you do if you were
 omnipotent?
 Joey: Probably kill myself!
 Monica: ..Excuse me?
 Joey: Hey, if Little Joey's dead, then I got no
 reason to live!
 Ross: Joey, uh- OMnipotent.
 Joey: You are? Ross, I'm sorry..
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Monica are watching Phoebe
 sleep.]
 Monica: How does she do that?
 Ross: I cannot sleep in a public place.
 Monica: Would you look at her? She is so peaceful.
 Phoebe: (waking and startling them) Oh! What what
 what! ...Hi.
 Ross: It's okay, y'know, you just nodded off again.
 Monica: What's going on with you?
 Phoebe: I got no sleep last night!
 Ross: Why?
 Phoebe: My grandmother has this new boyfriend, and
 they're both kind of insecure in bed. Oh, and deaf. So they're constantly, like, having to
 reassure each other that they're having a good time. You have no idea how loud they are!
 Monica: Well, if you want, you can stay with Rachel
 and me tonight.
 Phoebe: Thanks.
 (Chandler and Joey enter. Joey is counting his
 steps.)
 Joey: ...Ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven. See,
 I told you! Less than a hundred steps from our place to here.
 Chandler: You got waaaay too much free time.
 Joey: (to Ross) Hey! Here's the birthday boy! Ross,
 check it out: hockey tickets, Rangers-Penguins, tonight at the Garden, and we're taking
 you.
 Chandler: Happy birthday, pal!
 Joey: We love you, man. (Kisses Ross)
 Ross: Funny, my birthday was seven months ago.
 Joey: So?
 Ross: So, I'm guessing you had an extra ticket and
 couldn't decide which one of you got to bring a date?
 Chandler: Well, aren't we Mr. 'The glass is
 half empty.'
 Ross: Oh my God, oh- is today the twentieth, October
 twentieth?
 Monica: Oh, I was hoping you wouldn't remember.
 Ross: Ohhh.
 Joey: What's wrong with the twentieth?
 Chandler: Eleven days before Halloween.. all the
 good costumes are gone?
 Ross: Today's the day Carol and I first..
 consummated our physical relationship. (Joey is puzzled.) Sex. ..You know what, I-I'd
 better pass on the game. I think I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her
 lesbian lover.
 Joey: The hell with hockey, let's all do that!
 Chandler: (trying to stop Ross leaving) C'mon, Ross!
 You, me, Joey, ice, guys' night out, c'mon, whaddya say, big guy, (Pretending to punch him
 in the stomach.) Huh? Huh? Huh?
 Ross: What are you doing?
 Chandler: (stops) I have no idea.
 Joey: C'mon, Ross!
 Ross: Alright, alright, maybe it'll take my mind off
 it. Do you promise to buy me a big thumb finger?
 Chandler: You got it.
 (Rachel runs up cluching an envelope.)
 Rachel: Look-look-look-look-look, my first pay
 check! Look at the window, there's my name! Hi, me!
 Phoebe: I remember the day I got my first pay check.
 There was a cave in in one of the mines, and eight people were killed.
 Monica: Wow, you worked in a mine?
 Phoebe: I worked in a Dairy Queen, why?
 Rachel: God, isn't this exciting? I earned this. I
 wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was totally (opens
 envelope) not worth it. Who's FICA? Why's he getting all my money? I mean, what-
 Chandler, look at that.
 Chandler: (looking) Oh, this is not that bad.
 Joey: Oh, you're fine, yeah, for a first job.
 Ross: You can totally, totally live on this.
 Monica: Yeah, yeah.
 Ross: Oh, by the way, great service
 tonight.
 All: Oh! Yeah!
 (They all get their wallets out and give generous tips.)
 Guys: Hockey! (They go to leave but are
 blocked by three of Rachel's friends, Leslie, Kiki, and Joanne. The guys pause to
 stare at them.) Hockey! Hockey. (The guys.)
 Leslie: (looking around) Rachel?
 Rachel: Oh my God! (Rachel, Leslie, Kiki, and Joanne
 all scream and hug each other.


Monica: (to Phoebe) I swear I've seen birds do this
 on Wild Kingdom.
 Rachel: What are you guys doing here?
 Kiki: Well, we were in the city shopping,
 and your mom said you work here, aaand it's true!
 Joanne: Look at you in the apron.
 You look like you're in a play.
 Rachel: (to a pregnant Leslie) Look at you, you are
 so big I can't believe it!
 Leslie: I know. I know! I'm a duplex.
 Rachel: (to Joanne) So what's going on with you?
 Joanne: Well, guess who my dad's
 making partner in his firm? (She points to herself and they all scream again.)
 Kiki: And while we're on the subject of
 news.. (She holds up here finger to show off her engagement ring and they all scream
 again.)
 Phoebe: (to Monica) Look, look, I have elbows! (They
 scream.)
 [Scene: A Street, Chandler and Joey are kicking a can to
 each other.]
 Chandler: ...Poulet passes it up to Leetch! (Passes
 it to Joey.)
 Joey: Leetch spots Messier in the crease- there's
 the pass! (He kicks it to Ross, but Ross is staring into a shop window.)
 Chandler: We'll take a brief time out while Messier
 stops to look at some women's shoes.
 Ross: Carol was wearing boots just like those the
 night that we- we first- y'know. Fact, she, uh- she never took'em off, 'cause we-we- (off
 Chandler's look) Sorry. Sorry.
 (They walk on. Chandler and Joey start to talk but
 Ross stops and whines.)
 Joey: What?
 Ross: Peach pit.
 Chandler: Yes, Bunny?
 Ross: (points) Peach pit. That night we, uh- we had-
 Joey: -Peaches?
 Ross: Actually, nectarines, but basically...
 Chandler: (to Joey) Could've been a peach.
 Ross: Then, uh, then we got dressed, and I-I... I
 walked her to the- (looks up, realises, and points) -the bus stop... I'm fine.
 Joey: Hey, that woman's got an ass like Carol's!
 (They turn to stare at him.) What? Thought we were trying to find stuff.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Lesile, Kiki, and Joanne are
 talking.]
 Rachel: So c'mon, you guys, tell me all the dirt!
 Kiki: Well, the biggest news is still you dumping
 Barry at the altar!
 Joanne: Alright. Let's talk reality for a second.
 Rachel: Okay.
 Joanne: When are you coming home?
 Rachel: What? Guys, I'm not.
 Joanne: C'mon, this is us.
 Rachel: I'm not! This is what I'm doing now. I've
 got this job-
 Kiki: Waitressing?
 Rachel: Okay, I'm not just waitressing. I'm.. I,
 um... I write the specials on the specials board, and, uh... and I, uh... I take the uh
 dead flowers out of the vase... Oh, and, um, sometimes Artelle lets me put the little
 chocolate blobbies on the cookies.
 Leslie: Well. Your mom didn't tell us
 about the blobbies.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are in
 pajamas and Monica is making something in the blender as Rachel enters.]
 Monica: Hey, Rach. How was it with your friends?
 (She and Phoebe scream.) Okay! How would you like some Tiki Death Punch? (She pours the
 contents of the blender into some glasses.)
 Rachel: What's that?
 Monica: Weeeell, it's rum, and-
 Rachel: Okay. (Grabs the blender and starts to
 drink.)
 Monica: We thought since Phoebe was staying over
 tonight we'd have kinda like a slumber party thing. We got some trashy magazines, we got
 cookie dough, we got Twister... (The phone rings and Monica answers it.)
 Phoebe: Ooh! Ooh! And I brought Operation!
 But, um, I lost the tweezers, so we can't operate. But we can prep the guy!
 Monica: Uh, Rach, it's the Visa card
 people.
 Rachel: Oh, God, ask them what they want.
 Monica: (on phone) Could you please tell me what
 this is in reference to? (Listens) Yes, hold on. (To Rachel) Um, they say there's been
 some unusual activity on your account.
 Rachel: But I haven't used my card in weeks!
 Monica: That is the unusual
 activity. Look, they just wanna see if you're okay.
 Rachel: They wanna know if I'm okay. Okay.. they
 wanna know if I'm okay, okay, let's see. Well, let's see, the FICA guys took all my money,
 everyone I know is either getting married, or getting promoted, or getting pregnant, and
 I'm getting coffee! And it's not even for me! So if that sounds like I'm okay, okay, then
 you can tell them I'm okay, okay?
 Monica: (pauses then on the phone) Uh- Rachel has
 left the building, can you call back?
 Rachel: Alright, c'mon! (Miserably) Let's play Twister!
 [Scene: Madison Square Garden, the guys are trying
 to find their seats.]
 Ross: (squeezing past people) Sorry, sorry... Uh-oh.


Chandler: What? There was ice there that night with
 Carol? Plastic seats? Four thousand angry Pittsburgh fans?
 Ross: No, actually I was just saying it looks like
 we're not sitting together. But now you mention it, there was ice there that
 night... It was the first frost...
 Joey: C'mon, sit. Just sit down, sit.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, they're all hanging out in the
 living room.]
 Monica: You should feel great about yourself! You're
 doing this amazing independence thing!
 Rachel: Monica, what is so amazing? I gave up, like,
 everything. And for what?
 Phoebe: You are just like Jack.
 Rachel: ...Jack from downstairs?
 Phoebe: No, Jack and the Beanstalk.
 Monica: Ah, the other Jack.
 Phoebe: Yeah, right! See, he gave up something, but
 then he got those magic beans. And then he woke up, and there was this, this big plant
 outside his window, full of possibilities and stuff.. And he lived in a village, and you
 live in the Village..
 Rachel: Okay, but Pheebs, Pheebs, Jack gave up a
 cow, I gave up an orthodontist. Okay, I-I-I know, I know I didn't love him-
 Phoebe: Oh, see, Jack did love the cow.
 Rachel: But see, it was a plan. Y'know, it was
 clear. It was figured out, and now everything's just kinda like...
 Phoebe: Floopy?
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Monica: So what, you're not the only one. I mean,
 half the time we don't know where we're going. You've just gotta figure at some point it's
 all gonna come together, and it's just gonna be... un-floopy.
 Phoebe: Oh, like that's a word.
 Rachel: Okay, but Monica, what if- what if it
 doesn't come together?
 Monica: ...Pheebs?
 Phoebe: Oh, well... 'cause.... you just... I don't
 like this question.
 Rachel: Okay, see, see, you guys, what if we don't
 get magic beans? I mean, what if all we've got are.. beans?
 [Scene: Madison Square Garden, the guys are
 watching the game.]
 Ross: Get him! GET HIM! Get him! Get- YESSS! Not
 laughing now, are ya pal!
 Chandler: (to Ross) See buddy, that's all you need,
 a bunch of toothless guys hitting each other with sticks.
 Ross: Pass it! Pass it!
 Chandler: He's open!
 All: Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!
 (The player shoots and the puck flies off the rink and hits
 Ross in the face. Chandler looks concered until he notices...)
 Chandler: Hey, look, we're on that TV thing!
 (Chandler and Joey hold the puck and wave at the TV thing.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: An Emergency Room, Chandler and Joey are leading
 Ross in.]
 Chandler: (to the receptionist)'Scuse me.
 Receptionist: (holds up her hand she is on the
 phone) It says to call this number if you're not completely satisfied with this candy bar.
 Well, I'm not completely satisfied.
 Chandler: Listen, it's kind of an emergency. Well, I
 guess you know that, or we'd be in the predicament room. (The receptionist glares at him.)
 Receptionist: (on phone) Hold on. (To Chandler) Fill
 these out, sit over there. (Tosses him some forms.)
 Ross: (jumping to his feet) Look, I don't wanna make
 any trouble, okay, but I'm in a lot of pain here, alright? My face is dented.
 Receptionist: Well, you'll have to wait your turn.
 Joey: Well, how long do you think it'll be?
 Receptionist: (sarcastic) Any minute now.
 Ross: Hey, this- (she gives him a look and the guys
 back off) Heyy...
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the slumber party continues.]
 Rachel: I'm so sorry, you guys. I didn't mean to
 bring you down.
 Monica: No, you were right. I don't have a plan.
 (There's a knock on the door.)
 Pizza Guy: (yelling from outside) Pizza
 guy!
 Rachel: Thank God. Food. (She goes to answer the
 door.)
 Monica: Phoebe?
 Phoebe: What?
 Monica: Do you have a plan?
 Phoebe: I don't even have a 'pl'.
 Pizza Guy: Hi, one, uh, mushroom, green
 pepper and onion?
 Rachel: (miserably) No, no, that's not what we
 ordered... We ordered a fat-free crust with extra cheese.
 Pizza Guy: Wait, you're not
 'G.Stephanopoulos?' Man, my dad's gonna kill me!
 Monica: (leaping off of the couch and runs up) Wait!
 Did you say 'G.Stephanopoulos?'
 Pizza Guy: Yeah. This one goes across the
 street, I must have given him yours. Oh, bonehead, bonehead!
 Monica: Wait, was this a-a small mediterranean guy
 with curiously intelligent good looks?
 Pizza Guy: Yeah, that sounds about right.
 Monica: Was he wearing a stunning blue suit?
 Phoebe: And-and a power tie?
 Pizza Guy: No, pretty much just a towel.
 Monica: (staggered) Oh God.
 Pizza Guy: So you guys want me to take
 this back?


Monica: Are you nuts?! We've got George
 Stephanopoulos' pizza! (Rachel pays him, Monica grabs some binoculars, and runs to the
 window.)
 Rachel: Uh, Pheebs? Who's George Snuffalopagus?
 Phoebe: Big Bird's friend.
 Monica: I see pizza!
 Phoebe: Oh, I wanna see! Lemme see! Lemme see! (She
 runs up and takes the binoculars.)
 Rachel: Hello? Who are we spying on?
 Monica: White House adviser? Clinton's campaign guy?
 The one with the great hair, sexy smile, really cute butt?
 Rachel: Oh, him, the little guy? Oh, I love him!
 Phoebe: Ooh, wait.. wait, I see a woman.
 Monica: Please tell me it's his mother.
 Phoebe: Definitely not his mother.
 Monica: Oh, no...
 Phoebe: Oh, wait, she's walking across the floor..
 she's walking.. she's walking.. she's going for the pizza- (Yelling) Hey, that's not for
 you, bitch! (Phoebe covers her mouth with her hand walks away from the window.)
 [Scene: The Emergency Room, Joey is miming hockey pucks
 kitting foreheads. Chandler realises it's getting tense and goes to the receptionist
 again.]
 Chandler: Excuse me, look, we've been here for over
 an hour, and a lot of people less sick than my friend have gone in. I mean, that guy with
 the toe thing? Who's he sleeping with? (She slides the gladd panel over and Chandler talks
 through it in a loud voice.) Oh, c'mon Dora, don't be mad... I know we both said some
 things we didn't mean, but that doesn't mean we still don't love each other. (To the
 waiting room.) Y'know, I feel like I've lost her.. (She slides the panel back, he turns,
 and it takes him by surprise.) Ba-!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are all out on the
 balcony.]
 Monica: Light still out?
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Monica: Oh. Maybe they're- napping.
 Rachel: Oh please, they're having sex.
 Monica and Phoebe: Shut up!
 Rachel: So, whaddya think George is like?
 Monica: I think he's shy.
 Phoebe: Yeah?
 Monica: Yeah. I think you have to draw him out. And
 then- when you do- he's a preppy animal.
 [Scene: The Emergency Room, Ross is still going on about
 his first night with Carol.]
 Ross: I remember the moonlight coming through the
 window- and her face had the most incredible glow.
 Chandler: Yes, the moon, the glow, the magical
 feeling, you did this part- Could I get some painkillers over here, please?
 Joey: He's right, enough, already. What is the big
 deal about today? So you slept with her for the first time, so what? You slept with her
 for seven years after that.
 Ross: Look, it's just a little more complicated...
 Chandler: Well, what? What? What is it? That she
 left you? That she likes women? That she left you for another woman that likes women?
 Ross: Little louder, okay, I think there's a man on
 the twelfth floor in a coma that didn't quite hear you...
 Chandler: Then what?
 Ross: My first time with Carol was... (He mumbles
 the last part)
 Joey: What?
 Ross: It was my first time.
 Joey: With Carol? (Ross gives him a look.) Oh.
 Chandler: So in your whole life, you've only been
 with one (He gets a look too) oh.
 Joey: Whoah, boy, hockey was a big mistake! There
 was a whole bunch of stuff we could've done tonight!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are still out on the
 balcony.]
 Monica: Okay. Okay, I got one. Do you remember that
 vegetarian pate that I made that you loved so much?
 Phoebe: Uh-huh.
 Monica: Well, unless goose is a vegetable...ha
 haaaah!
 Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay, fine, fine. Now I don't
 feel so bad about sleeping with Jason Hurley.
 Monica: What?! You slept with Jason?
 Phoebe: You'd already broken up.
 Rachel: How long?
 Phoebe: A couple hours.
 Monica: Oh, that's nice!
 Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, I got one! (She sits up
 and the cushion she was leaning against falls off of the balcony.) Anyway- The valentine
 Tommy Rollerson left in your locker was really from me.
 Monica: Excuse me?!
 Rachel: Hello? Like he was really gonna send you
 one? (To Phoebe) She was a big girl.
 Monica: Really. Well, at least 'big girls' don't pee
 in their pants in seventh grade!
 Rachel: I was laughing! You made me laugh! (Monica
 and Rachel start to squabble)
 Phoebe: There he is! There he is!
 Monica: Where?
 Phoebe: Right- where we've been looking all night!
 Rachel: He is so cute!
 Monica: Oh, George, baby, drop the towel!
 All: Yeah, drop it! Drop the towel! Please drop
 the (pause) wowww.
 [Scene: The Emergency Room, Ross is absent.]


 The One With the East German Laundry Detergent
 The One With the East German Laundry Detergent
 Written by: Jeff Greenstein & Jeff Strauss
 Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips
 With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein
 [Scene: Central Perk, all six are there.]
 Monica: Would you let it go? It's not that big a deal.
 Ross: Not that big a deal? It's amazing. Ok, you just reach in there, there's
 one little maneuver, and bam, a bra right out the sleeve. All right, as far as I'm
 concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right?
 Rachel: Come on! You guys can pee standing up.
 Chandler: We can? All right, I'm tryin' that.
 Joey: Ok, you know what blows my mind? Women can see breasts any time they want.
 You just look down and there they are. How you get any work done is beyond me.
 Phoebe: Oh, ok, you know what I don't get? The way guys can do so many mean
 things, and then not even care.
 (Long pause.)
 Ross: Multiple orgasms!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, all are there.]
 Chandler: So, Saturday night, the big night, date night, Saturday night,
 Sat-ur-day night!
 Joey: No plans, huh?
 Chandler: Not a one.
 Ross: Not even, say, breaking up with Janice?
 Chandler: Oh, right, right, shut up.
 Monica: Chandler, nobody likes breaking up with someone. You just gotta do it.
 Chandler: No, I know, but it's just so hard, you know? I mean, you're sitting
 there with her, she has no idea what's happening, and then you finally get up the courage
 to do it, and there's the horrible awkward moment when you've handed her the note.
 Joey: Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man, just stop calling.
 Phoebe: You know, if you want, I'll do it with you.
 Chandler: Oh, thanks, but I think she'd feel like we're gangin' up on her.
 Phoebe: No, I mean you break up with Janice and I'll break up with Tony.
 Ross: Tony?
 Monica: Oh, you're breaking up with Tony?
 Phoebe: Yeah, I know, he's sweet, but it's just not fun anymore, you know? I
 don't know if it's me, or his hunger strike, or, I don't know.
 Rachel: (waitressing) Does anybody want anything else?
 Ross: Oh, yeah, last week you had a wonderful, nutty, chocolatey kind of a cakey
 pie thing. (Rachel gives him a dirty look) Nothing, just, just, I'm fine.
 Phoebe: (to Rachel) What's the matter? Why so scrunchy?
 Rachel: It's my father. He wants to give me a Mercedes convertible.
 Ross: That guy, he burns me up.
 Rachel: Yeah, well, it's a Mercedes if I move back home. Oh, it was horrible. He
 called me young lady.
 Chandler: Ooh, I hate when my father calls me that.
 Monica: Did he give you that whole 'You're-not-up-to-this' thing
 again?
 Rachel: Oh, yeah, yeah. Actually, I got the extended disco version, with three
 choruses of 'You'll never make it on your own'.
 Phoebe: (rhythmically) Uh-huh, uh-huh.
 (Angela, a beautiful woman in a tight dress, enters.)
 Angela: Hi, Joey.
 Joey: My god, Angela.
 (Angela takes a seat at the counter.)
 Monica: Wow, being dumped by you obviously agrees with her.
 Phoebe: Are you gonna go over there?
 Joey: No, yeah, no, ok, but not yet. I don't wanna seem too eager. One
 Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi. That seems pretty cool. (he walks over to
 her) Hey, Angela.
 Angela: (casually) Joey.
 Joey: You look good.
 Angela: That's because I'm wearing a dress that accents my boobs.
 Joey: You don't say.
 (Cut to Ross and Rachel, talking next to one of the tables.)
 Ross: So, uh, Rachel, what are you, uh, what're you doing tonight?
 Rachel: Oh, big glamour night. Me and Monica at Laundorama.
 Ross: Oh, you uh, you wanna hear a freaky coincidence? Guess who's doing laundry
 there too?
 Rachel: Who?
 Ross: Me. Was that not clear? Hey, why don't, um, why don't I just join you
 both, here?
 Rachel: Don't you have a laundry room in your building?
 Ross: Yes, I do have a laundry room in my building, um, but there's a.... rat
 problem. Apparently they're attracted to the dryer sheets, and they're goin' in fine, but
 they're comin' out all.... fluffy. Anyway, say, sevenish?
 Rachel: Sure.
 (Cut back to Joey and Angela at the counter.)
 Angela: Forget it Joey. I'm with Bob now.
 Joey: Bob? Who the hell's Bob?
 Angela: Bob is great. He's smart, he's sophisticated, and he has a real job.
 You, you go on three auditions a month and you call yourself an actor, but Bob...
 Joey: Come on, we were great together. And not just at the fun stuff, but like,
 talking too.
 Angela: Yeah, well, sorry, Joe. You said let's just be friends, so guess what?
 Joey: What?
 Angela: We're just friends.


Joey: Fine, fine, so, why don't the four of us go out and have dinner together
 tonight? You know, as friends?
 Angela: What four of us?
 Joey: You know, you and Bob, and me and my girlfriend, uh, uh, Monica.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment, Joey is there, trying to convince Monica to pose
 as his girlfriend. His plan is to hook Monica up with Angela's boyfriend Bob and then take
 Angela back for himself.]
 Joey: Monica, I'm tellin' you, this guy is perfect for you.
 Monica: Forget it. Not after your cousin who could belch the alphabet.
 Joey: Come on. This guy's great. His name's Bob. He's Angela's... brother. He's
 smart, he's sophisticated, and he has a real job. Me, I go on three auditions a month and
 call myself an actor, but Bob is...
 Monica: (looking out window) Oh, god help us.
 Joey: What?
 Monica: Ugly Naked Guy's laying kitchen tile. Eww!
 Joey: Eww! Look, I'm asking a favor here. If I do this for her brother, maybe
 Angela will come back to me.
 Monica: What's going on here? You go out with tons of girls.
 Joey: (proud) I know, but, I made a huge mistake. I never should have broken up
 with her. Will you help me? Please?
 [Scene: Ross' apartment, Chandler is over.]
 Ross: (on phone) Ok, bye. (hangs up) Well, Monica's not coming, it's just gonna
 be me and Rachel.
 Chandler: Oh. Well, hold on camper, are you sure you've thought this thing
 through?
 Ross: It's laundry. The thinking through is minimal.
 Chandler: It's just you and Rachel, just the two of you? This is a date. You're
 going on a date.
 Ross: Nuh-uh.
 Chandler: Yuh-huh.
 Ross: So what're you saying here? I should shave again, pick up some wine, what?
 Chandler: Well, you may wanna rethink the dirty underwear. This is basically the
 first time she's gonna see your underwear you want it to be dirty?
 Ross: (sheepish) No.
 Chandler: Oh, and uh, the fabric softener?
 Ross: Ok, ok, now what is wrong with my Snuggles? What, it says I'm a
 sensitive, warm kinda guy, you know, like a warm, fuzzy bear. Ok, I can pick something
 else up on the way.
 Chandler: There you go.
 [Scene: A fancy restaurant, Joey and Monica are there, meeting Angela and Bob, who
 Monica thinks is Angela's brother.]
 Monica: Thank you. So what does this Bob guy look like? Is he tall? Short?
 Joey: Yep.
 Monica: Which?
 Joey: Which what?
 Monica: You've never met Bob, have you?
 Joey: No, but he's...
 Monica: Oh my god, Joey, for all we know this guy could be horribly...
 (Angela and Bob walk in. Bob is good-looking.)
 Angela: Hey, Joey.
 Monica: ...horribly attractive. I'll be shutting up now.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Phoebe are there, both ready to break up with their
 significant others.]
 Chandler: Where are they? Where are they?
 Phoebe: This is nice. We never do anything just the two of us.
 Chandler: It's great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some
 puppies.
 Phoebe: Eww, I don't wanna do that.
 (Janice and Phoebe's boyfriend, Tony, walk in.)
 Chandler: Here we go.
 Phoebe: Ok, have a good break-up.
 Chandler: Hey, Janice.
 Janice: Oh, my god, I am so glad you called me. I had the most supremely awful
 day.
 Chandler: Hey, that's not good. Can I get an espresso and a latte over here,
 please?
 Janice: We got the proofs back from that photo shoot, you know, the one with the
 little vegetables. Anyway, they pretty much sucked, so, I blew off the rest of the day,
 and I went shopping...(looks through her bags)... and I got you, I'm looking, I'm looking,
 I'm looking, I got you...
 (Chandler sees Phoebe breaking up with Tony. She talks to him for a few seconds, hugs
 him, and then he leaves. Chandler is amazed how easy it was for her.)
 Chandler: What?
 Janice: What?
 Chandler: (covering) What... did you get me there?
 Janice: I got you...these. (pulls out a pair of socks)
 Chandler: Bullwinkle socks. That's so sweet.
 Janice: Well, I knew you had the Rockys, and so I figured, you know, you can
 wear Bullwinkle and Bullwinkle, or you can wear Rocky and Rocky,or, you can mix and match,
 moose and squirrel. Whatever you want.
 Chandler: That's great.
 (The drinks arrive, and Chandler downs his espresso in one gulp.)
 Chandler: Well, I'm gonna get another espresso. Can I get you another latte?
 Janice: (holding the full cup) No, no, I'm still working on mine.
 (Chandler walks over to the counter where Phoebe is, and is asking her about the
 break-up.)
 Chandler: That's it?
 Phoebe: Yeah, it was really hard.
 Chandler: Oh, yeah, that hug looked pretty brutal.
 Phoebe: Ok, you weren't there.
 [Scene: The Launderama, Rachel is there, waiting for Ross. An old woman takes Rachel's
 clothes off the machine and begins loading it with her things.]
 Woman: Comin' through. Move, move.


Rachel: Oh, 'scuse me. I was kinda using that machine.
 Woman: Yeah, well, now you're kinda not.
 Rachel: But I saved it. I put my basket on top.
 Woman: Oh, I'm sorry, is that your basket? It's really pretty. Unfortunately, I
 don't see suds.
 Rachel: What?
 Woman: No suds, no save. Ok?
 (Ross arrives.)
 Ross: What's goin' on?
 Rachel: Hi, uh, nothing. That horrible woman just took my machine.
 Ross: Was your basket on top?
 Rachel: Yeah, but, there were no suds.
 Ross: So?
 Rachel: Well, you know, no suds, no save.
 Ross: No suds? Excuse me, hold on a second. (to woman) That's my friend's
 machine.
 Woman: Hey, hey, hey, her stuff wasn't in it.
 Ross: Hey, hey, hey, that's not the rule and you know it.
 (The woman and Ross stare at each other. Finally she takes her stuff out of the machine
 and leaves.)
 Ross: (to the crowd in the laundromat) All right, show's over. Nothing to see
 here. (to Rachel) Ok, let's do laundry.
 Rachel: That was amazing. I can't even send back soup.
 Ross: Well, that's because you're such a sweet, gentle, uh...Do you, uh, do
 you...Oh, hey, uh you must need detergent.
 (Ross pulls out a huge box of laundry detergent.)
 Rachel: What's that?
 Ross: Uberveiss. It's new, it's German, it's extra-tough.
 (Rachel starts to load her clothes.)
 Ross: Rach, do you uh, are you gonna separate those?
 Rachel: Oh god. Oh, am I being like a total laundry spaz? I mean, am I supposed
 to use like one machine for shirts and another machine for pants?
 Ross: Rach, have you never done this before?
 Rachel: Well, not myself, but I know other people that have. Ok, you caught me.
 I'm a laundry virgin.
 Ross: Uh, well, don't worry, I'll use the gentle cycle. Ok, um, basically you
 wanna use one machine for all your whites, a whole nother machine for colors, and a third
 for your uh, your uh, delicates, and that would be your bras and your under-panty things.
 Rachel: (holds a pair of panties in front of Ross) Ok, Well, what about these
 are white cotton panties. Would they go with whites or delicates?
 Ross: (visibly nervous) Uh, that, that, that would be a judgment call.
 [Scene: Fancy restaurant, Monica, Joey, Angela, and Bob are seated at the table.]
 Monica: (to Joey) He is so cute. (to Angela and Bob) So, where did you guys grow
 up?
 Angela: Brooklyn Heights.
 Bob: Cleveland.
 Monica: How, how did that happen?
 Joey: Oh my god.
 Monica: What?
 Joey: I suddenly had the feeling that I was falling. But I'm not.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Fancy restaurant, Joey and Bob are talking.]
 Joey: So, you and Angela, huh?
 Bob: Yep. Pretty much.
 Joey: You're a lucky man. You know what I miss the most about her? That cute
 nibbly noise when she eats. Like a happy little squirrel, or a weasel.
 Bob: Huh, I never really noticed.
 Joey: Oh, yeah, yeah, listen for it.
 Bob: Monica, Monica is great.
 Joey: Yeah, but it's not gonna last. She's too much for me in bed. Sexually.
 [Scene: The ladies' bathroom at the restaurant, Monica and Angela are talking.]
 Monica: I've gotta tell you, Bob is terrific.
 Angela: Yeah, isn't he?
 Monica: It is so great to meet a guy who is smart and funny, and has an
 emotional age beyond, like eight.
 Angela: You know what else? He's unbelievable in bed.
 Monica: Wow. My brother never even told me when he lost his virginity.
 Angela: Huh. That's nice.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is coaching Chandler on how to break up with Janice.]
 Phoebe: Ok, you can do this. It's just like pulling off a Band-aid. Just do it
 really fast, and then the wound is exposed.
 (Chandler walks back to couch, where Janice is.)
 Chandler: Janice. Hi, Janice. Ok, here we go. I don't think we should go out
 anymore. Janice.
 Janice: All right. Well, there you go. (she gets extremely wound up, and begins
 to try and calm herself down) Stop it, stop it, stop it.
 [Scene: The laundromat.]
 Rachel: Ok, I know this is gonna sound really stupid, but I feel that if I can
 do this, you know, if I can actually do my own laundry, there isn't anything I can't do.
 Ross: That does not sound stupid to me. You know, it's like the first time I had
 to make dinner for myself, after Carol left me? (the buzzer on the washer goes off) I'm
 sorry, that's all the time we have. Next on Ross...(opens up the washer) Uh-oh.
 Rachel: What uh-oh?
 Ross: (not wanting to tell her) Uh-oh, uh-oh, the laundry's done. It's, uh, it's
 a song. The laundry song that we sing. (singing) Uh-oh the laundry's done, uh-oh, uh-oh.
 Rachel: Ross, what's the matter?
 Ross: Nothing, nothing. Lee-lo, the laundry's done.
 Rachel: Come on, show me.


Ross: All right, all right, it's just that you left a red sock in with all your
 whites, and now, everything's kinda pink.
 Rachel: Oh, everything's pink.
 Ross: Yeah, uh, except for the red sock, which is still red. I'm sorry, please
 don't be upset, it could happen to anyone.
 Rachel: Except it didn't. It happened to me. Oh, god, I'm gonna look like a big
 marshmallow peep. What am I doing? What am I doing? My father's right. I can't live on my
 own! I can't even do laundry!
 (The woman who had tried to steal the washing machine walks by, and laughs.)
 [Scene: The fancy restaurant, Angela has her hand in Bob's shirt, and Monica is very
 uncomfortable.]
 Monica: Something went wrong with Underdog, and they couldn't get his head to
 inflate. So anyway, um, his head is like flopping down Broadway, right, and I'm just
 thinking... how inappropriate this is. Um, I've got something in my eye, uh, Joey, could
 we check it in the light, please?
 (Her and Joey walk away from the table.)
 Monica: Oh my god.
 Joey: What?
 Monica: Hello! Were we at the same table? It's like... cocktails in Appalachia.
 Joey: Come on, they're close.
 Monica: Close? She's got her tongue in his ear.
 Joey: Oh, like you've never gotten a little rambunctious with Ross.
 Monica: Joey, this is sick, it's disgusting, it's, it's not really true, is
 it?
 Joey: Well, who's to say what's true? I mean...
 Monica: Oh my god, what were you thinking?
 Joey: All right, look, I'm not proud of this, ok? Well, maybe I am a little.
 Monica: (hits him lightly) Oh!
 Joey: Ow!
 Monica: (leaving) I'm outta here.
 Joey: Wait, wait, wait. You want him, I want her. He likes you.
 Monica: Really?
 Joey: Yeah. I'm thinking, if we put our heads together, between the two of us,
 we can break them up.
 [Time lapse, Monica accidentally spilled her drink on Bob's shirt and is wiping it off.
 Joey is making eyes at Angela.]
 Monica: I'm so sorry, I can't believe I did this, but I couldn't stop laughing
 at your Norman Mailer story.
 (Angela is eating chicken wings and making the weasel-like noise Joey had told Bob
 about.)
 Joey: Uh, waiter, one more plate of chicken wings over here.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is still trying to ease things over with Janice, and
 there are about a dozen empty Espresso cups in front of him. He is extremely wired.]
 Chandler: Here's the thing, Janice. You know, I mean, it's like we're different.
 I'm like the bing, bing, bing. You're like the boom, boom, (Chandler flails his hand out
 and hits Janice in the eye)... boom.
 Janice: Ow!
 Chandler: Oh, my god, I'm so sorry. Are you ok?
 Janice: Ow. Um, it's just my lens. It's just my lens. I'll be right back.
 (She leaves.)
 Chandler: (to Phoebe) I hit her in the eye! I hit her in the eye! This is the
 worst break-up in the history of the world.
 Phoebe: Oh my god. (Chandler downs another espresso.) How many of those have you
 had?
 Chandler: Oh, I don't know, a million?
 Phoebe: Chandler, easy, easy. Go to your happy place. La la la la la la la.
 Chandler: I'm fine.
 Phoebe: All right.
 (Janice returns from the bathroom.)
 Chandler: I'm not fine. Here she comes.
 Phoebe: Wait here. Breathe.
 (Phoebe goes over to speak to Janice. She talks to her for a few seconds, and then
 Janice immediately smiles, hugs her, waves to Chandler, and leaves.)
 Chandler: How do you do that?
 Phoebe: It's like a gift.
 Chandler: We should always always break up together.
 Phoebe: Oh, I'd like that.
 [Scene: The Launderama. Rachel is sorting her now-pink clothes.]
 Ross: You got the clothes clean. Now that's the important part.
 Rachel: Oh, I guess. Except everything looks like jammies now.
 (The same woman walks over and takes Rachel's laundry cart.)
 Rachel: Whoa, I'm sorry. Excuse me. We had this cart.
 Woman: Yeah, well, I had a 24-inch waist. You lose things. Now come on, get
 outta my way.
 (Rachel looks at Ross, who motions to her to get the cart back.)
 Rachel: I'm sorry, you know, maybe I wasn't being clear. Uh, this is our cart.
 Woman: Hey, hey, hey there aren't any clothes in it.
 Rachel: Hey, hey, hey, hey, quit making up rules!
 Woman: Let go!
 (They struggle for the cart. Finally, Rachel climbs inside of it.)
 Rachel: All right, listen, missy. If you want this cart, you're gonna have to
 take me with it!
 (She thinks it over, and then walks away.)
 Rachel: (to Ross) Yes! Did you see that?
 Ross: You were incredible! Brand new woman, ladies and gentlemen.
 Rachel: I could not have done this without you.
 (Rachel stands up and kisses Ross. He is stunned. A moment of silence follows.)


 The One With The Butt
 The One With the Butt
 Written by: Adam Chase & Ira Ungerleider
 Transcribed by: guineapig
 [Scene: A Theater, the gang is in the audience wating for a play of Joey's to
 start.]
 Rachel: (reading the program) Ooh! Look! Look! Look! Look, there's Joey's
 picture! This is so exciting!
 Chandler: You can always spot someone who's never seen one of his plays before.
 Notice, no fear, no sense of impending doom...
 Phoebe: The exclamation point in the title scares me. (Gesturing) Y'know, it's
 not just Freud, it's Freud!
 (The lights dim.)
 Ross: Oh, shhh, shh. Magic is about to happen.
 (The lights go up on the stage, Joey, as Freud, is talking to a female patient.)
 Joey: Vell, Eva, ve've done some excellent vork here, and I vould have to say,
 your pwoblem is qviiite clear. (He goes into a song and dance number.)
 All you want is a dingle,
   What you envy's a schwang,
   A thing through which you can tinkle,
   Or play with, or simply let hang...
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: The Theater, the play has ended and everyone is applauding. As soon as
 the cast leaves, the gang all groan and sit down heavily.]
 Rachel: God. I feel violated.
 Monica: Did anybody else feel they just wanted to peel the skin off their body,
 to have something else to do?
 Chandler: (staring at a woman across the room) Ross, ten o'clock.
 Ross: Is it? Feels like two.
 Chandler: No, ten o'clock.
 Ross: What?
 Chandler: (sighs and gestures to explain) There's a beautiful woman at eight,
 nine, ten o'clock!
 Ross: Oh. Hel-lo!
 Chandler: She's amazing! She makes the women that I dream about look like short,
 fat, bald men!
 Monica: Well, go over to her! She's not with anyone.
 Chandler: Oh yeah, and what would my opening line be? 'Excuse me.
 Blarrglarrghh.'
 Rachel: Oh, c'mon. She's a person, you can do it!
 Chandler: Oh please, could she be more out of my league? Ross,
 back me up here.
 Ross: He could never get a woman like that in a million years.
 Chandler: Thank you, buddy.
 Phoebe: Oh, oh, but y'know, you always see these really beautiful women with
 these really nothing guys, you could be one of those guys.
 Monica: You could do that!
 Chandler: Y'think?
 All: Yeah!
 Chandler: Oh God, I can't believe I'm even considering this... I'm very very
 aware of my tongue...
 Ross: C'mon! C'mon!
 Chandler: Here goes. (He walks over to her but just stands there.)
 Aurora: ...Yes?
 Chandler: Hi.... um... okay, next word... would be... Chandler! Chandler is my
 name, and, uh...(He clears his throat noisily)...hi.
 Aurora: Yes, you said that.
 Chandler: Yes, yes I did, but what I didn't say was what I was about to say,
 what I wanted to say was, uh... would you like to go out with me sometime, thankyou,
 goodnight. (He walks back to the others but she calls him back.)
 Aurora: Chandler?
 (Joey enters from behind a curtain. The others all talk at once.)
 All: Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance! You had a beard!
 Joey: Whadja think?
 (Pause)
 All: ...Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance! You had a beard!
 Joey: C'mon, you guys, it wasn't that bad. It was better than that thing I did
 with the trolls, at least you got to see my head.
 All: (admitting) Saw your head. Saw your head.
 Chandler: (running back) She said yes!! She said yes!! (To Joey) Awful play,
 man. Whoah. (To All) Her name's Aurora, and she's Italian, and she pronounces my name
 'Chand-lrr'. 'Chand-lrr'. I think I like it better that way. (To Joey) Oh, listen, the
 usher gave me this to give to you. (He fishes a card out of his pocket.)
 Rachel: What is it?
 Joey: The Estelle Leonard Talent Agency. Wow, an agency left me its card! Maybe
 they wanna sign me!
 Phoebe: Based on this play? ...Based on this play!
 [Scene: Central Perk, everyone else is there as Chandler enters.]
 Chandler: Hey, kids.
 All: Hey.
 Phoebe: (reading Monica's palm) No, 'cause this line is passion, and this is...
 just a line.
 Chandler: Well, I can't believe I've been here almost seven seconds and you
 haven't asked me how my date went.
 Monica: Oh, right, right. How was your date, 'Chand-lrr'?
 Chandler: It was unbelievable. I-I've never met anyone like her. She's had the
 most amazing life! She was in the Israeli army...
 (A flashback of Aurora and Chandler on their date in Central Perk is denoted by
 italics.)
 Aurora: ...Luckily none of the bullets hit the engine block. So, we made it
 to the border, but just barely, and I- ...I've been talking about myself all night long,
 I'm sorry. What about you? Tell me one of your stories.