Chandler: This sounds like a hernia. You have to you-you go to the doctor!
 Joey: No way!  Kay look, if I have to go to the doctor for anything
 it's gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach! (Rolls over and shows
 Chandler.)
 Chandler: That's a hernia.
 Joey: Why did I have to start working out again? (Looks at the weights he was
 using.) Damn you 15s!
 [Scene: a NYU lecture hall, Rachel and Monica are arriving to talk to Ross after the
 lecture, but are there early.]
 Rachel: Well, we're a little early, the lecture doesn't end for 15
 minutes.
 Monica: Yeah, but y'know we could sneak in and watch.
 Rachel: Yeah, we could. Oh hey look! There's some Kappa Kappa Deltas! I was
 a Kappa. (to them) Hey sisters! (They ignore her.) (To Monica) Wow, we really are bitches.
 (They enter the lecture hall to find Ross speaking in an English accent for some
 unknown reason.)
 Ross: (to the class) Right! So when Rigby got his samples back from the
 laboratory he made a startling discovery! What he believed to be igneous, was in fact
 sedimentary. Imagine his consternation when (sees Monica and Rachel.) Oh bloody hell.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: a NYU lecture hall, the scene is continued from earlier, only Ross has
 dismissed the class and is now talking to Monica and Rachel.]
 Monica: What the hell are you doing?!
 Ross: Look, I was nervous! You guys had me all worried I was going to be boring!
 I got up there and they were all like staring at me. I opened my mouth and this British
 accent just came out.
 Rachel: Yeah, and not a very good one.
 Ross: Will you-will you please?
 (Another professor walks down from the back of the lecture hall.)
 The Professor: Dr. Geller, Kurt Rathman, I'm a professor in the
 paleontology department here.
 Ross: Oh.
 The Professor: Do you have a moment to talk about your lecture?
 Ross: (in his British accent) I'm sorry, I've got plans with my
 sister.
 Monica: (in an Irish accent) Monica Gellerrr. (She rolls her  R')
 Ross: (in accent) Right, will you excuse us for one moment? (Takes Monica
 aside.) (In his normal voice.) What are you doing?
 Monica: (normal voice) Oh, you can have an accent and I can't?! (To an
 exiting student in accent.) Top  O the morning to ya laddies!
 Ross: Just please stop!
 (They turn back to Rachel and Professor Rathman.)
 Rachel: (in an Indian accent) Yes, yes, Bombay is bery, bery nice time of year.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is reading on the couch while Joey, still suffering from
 his hernia, is returning with coffee for them both. After a series of grunts and groans he
 manages to painfully walk back from the counter, sit down, and slide Chandler his coffee.]
 Chandler: Hey, will you grab me a cruller? (Joey starts to groan and get up.)
 Sit down! Will you go to the hospital?!
 Joey: Dude! Hernia operations cost like, a lot probably. Besides it's
 getting darker and more painful, that means it's healing.
 Chandler: I will loan you the money. Just go to the hospital and let's just
 get that thing pushed back in.
 Joey: Thank you, but it would take me forever to pay you that money back and I
 don't want that hanging over my head. Okay? Besides, as soon as my insurance kicks in
 I can get all the free operations I want! Yeah, I'm thinking I'll probably start
 with that laser eye surgery too.
 (Phoebe enters.)
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Chandler: Hey.
 Joey: Hey!
 Phoebe: What's going on?
 Chandler: Oh Joey's got a really bad hernia, but that's nothing a
 little laser eye surgery won't fix!
 Joey: Look, I'm telling you if I put my hand on my stomach right here (He
 puts his hand down his pants, like Al Bundy on Married With Children always
 used to do.) it doesn't hurt that bad.
 Phoebe: Hey! Maybe you'll die!
 Joey: Sure, now I'm scared.
 Phoebe: No, we can go together! Just don't wait too long though, okay?
  Cause I'm outta here sometime before Friday.
 Joey: Yeah, but I don't wanna die!
 Phoebe: No-no, it'll be fun! We can come back and we can haunt these guys!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are having a tug-of-war over the
 disputed candlesticks.]
 Monica: Gimme  em!
 Rachel: No! They are mine!
 Monica: You stole them from me!
 Rachel: You stole them from me!!
 Monica: Gimme them!
 (With one last mighty tug the combatants lose their grip and split, each holding one
 candlestick.)
 Monica: You just wanna each take one?
 Rachel: Yeah that seems fair. We never use them.
 Ross: (entering) Look, I really need some help, okay? Why? Why did I have to
 speak in a British accent?! What do I do?
 Rachel: Well
 Monica: Why don't you phase it out? Yeah, fade the accent out and people
 will think you're, y'know, that you're adjusting to life in America.


Rachel: Yeah, I mean, come on Ross, no one will even notice. I mean they're
 probably not even listening!
 Ross: They're not listening too me?
 Rachel: Of course they're listening to you! Everybody listens to you.
 Ross: Monica you really think I should try this phasing out thing?
 Monica: I think you look fine.
 [Scene: Casting Director #1's office, Joey is on his first audition. His partner
 is an 8-year-old boy.]
 Casting Director #1: Whenever you're ready.
 Joey: (in a gravely, painful voice) Okay. 'Hey, Timmy, I've got a
 surprise for you.'
 Casting Director #1: Hold it. I'm sorry, the surprise is a new swing set,
 if you could play it a little less intense?
 Joey: Oh yeah, sure, no problem, I'll just hold on one second. (He
 turns around and puts his hand in his pants and groans in relief.) (In a relaxed voice.)
 'Hey Timmy, I've got a surprise for you!'
 Casting Director #1: Oh my God!!
 (Joey pulls his hand out and reverts back to intense pain.)
 [Scene: Casting Director #2's office, Joey is on his second audition. This one is
 for Purina One Dog Chow, an actual item. Please note the gratuitous product
 placement.]
 Joey: So that's why I feed my dog Purina One! Pick up a bag today!
 (He turns, looks at the bag and realizes he won't be able to pick it up.)
 Casting Director #2: That's where you pick up the bag.
 Joey: Exactly.
 Casting Director #2: No, the line is pick a bag, so you need to pick up the bag.
 Joey: Or, I could just point to it! Huh? Blah, blah, blah, Purina One,
 point to a bag today. (She just looks at him.) I didn't get it, did I?
 Casting Director #2: No.
 Joey: Yeah, okay. (Leaves)
 [Scene: Casting Director #3's office, Joey is entering.]
 Joey: Hi. I'm Joey Tribbiani; I'm here to audition for (Groans) man.
 Casting Director #3: You mean dying man?
 Joey: Yes!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are playing phone pranks on Ross.]
 Monica: Okay, come on, do it one more time!
 Rachel: Really? Really?!
 Monica: Yes!
 Rachel: Okay! (Picks up the phone and starts dialing.) (In an Irish accent)
 'Hello Ross, this is Dr. McNeeley from the Fake Accent University, we'd like you
 to come on board with us full time! (Hangs up.)
 Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
 Rachel: Hey!
 Phoebe: Listen to this! My reading was wrong, I'm not going die!
 Rachel: Really?! How do you know?
 Phoebe: Because my psychic is dead! She must've read the cards wrong!
 Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry.
 Phoebe: Eh, better her than me! Hey, let's bake cookies!
 [Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey has won the part of dying man and is now able to play
 the role he was injured for. Chandler is helping to carry him in.]
 Chandler: Listen, I'm really glad you got the part.
 Joey: (barely audible through the pain) Thank you.
 Chandler: But are you sure you can do this?
 Joey: Yeah! And hey, thanks for coming with me. And thanks again for helping me
 take a shower.
 (Chandler steps away quickly.)
 Chandler: Now, is that never talking about it again?!
 Joey: (to the director) Hiya!
 The Director: Hey Joey, we're ready for ya! (Joey stumbles over) Joey, this
 is Alex he's going to be playing your son.
 Joey: Hi Alex! (to the director) And uh, as you can see my hands are not in my
 pants. (Holds them both up.)
 The Director: Okay. (to Alex) All right uh, Alex now when Joey says his line,
 'Take good care of your Momma son,' that's your cue to cry. Got it? (Alex
 nods yes.) All right, let's do this.
 (Joey lies down on the gurney.)
 A Crew Member: (with that board thingy) Scene 5, take 1.
 The Director: And Action!
 Joey: 'Take could care of your Momma son.' (Alex just looks at him and
 the director motions for him to continue so he tries it again.) 'Take could care of
 your Momma son.' (Alex does nothing.) 'Come on son! Your Momma's good
 people!'
 The Director: Cut! Alex, remember you're supposed to cry. Can you cry for
 us this time?
 Alex: Okay.
 The Director: All right, from the top.
 A Crew Member: Scene 5, take 2.
 [Time lapse.]
 A Crew Member: Take 36 is up!
 The Director: All right! Let's try this again! You ready Joe?
 Joey: Ah, just one thing umm, is it all right with you if I, if I scream right
 up until you say action?
 The Director: Uh sure.
 Joey: Okay. (Starts screaming.)
 The Director: Action!
 Joey: (he stops screaming at action) 'Take good care of your Momma
 son.' (Again Alex does nothing.)
 The Director: Cut!!!!!!!!!! (Joey starts screaming again.)
 (Chandler decides to help out.)
 Chandler: I'm sorry! Hey-hey Joe, why don't you uh, lift up your
 shirt? (He does.) Take a look at this kiddo. (Alex finally starts crying.) We
 have a crying child! Roll the damn cameras!
 [Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment, Rachel is unpacking as the phone rings.]


 The One With Joey's Porsche
 The One With Joey's Porsche
 Written by: Perry Rein & Gigi McCreery
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is there except for Rachel and Ross, who both
 come storming in. Rachel is still going off about Ross's secret marriage.]
 Rachel: I cannot believe that you didn't tell me that we are still
 married!!
 Ross: Look I was going to tell you!
 Rachel: When?! After the birth of our first secret child?! (To All) Ross
 didn't get the annulment; we are still married.
 Chandler: What?
 Monica: You're kidding!
 Phoebe: (overdoing it) Oh my God!!
 Monica: Ross!
 Ross: Okay, maybe it wasn't my best decision. But I just couldn't face
 another failed marriage.
 Chandler: Okay, let me just jump in and ask, at what point did you think this
 was a successful marriage?
 Ross: Rach, come on, if you think about it, it's actually kinda funny. (He
 laughs, and he laughs alone.) Okay, maybe it's best not to think about it.
 Phoebe: Okay, this is inexcusable. I am shocked to my very core!
 Ross: Phoebe, I told her you already knew.
 Phoebe: Another lie. You have a sickness!
 Chandler: Ross, just for my own piece of mind, you're not married to
 anymore of us are ya?
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Monica are at the counter getting some more coffee.]
 Joey: Oh! Hey, somebody left their keys. (Looks at them) Ooohh, to a Porsche!
 (Transcriber's note: Oh come on! Who would leave the keys to their Porsche behind? If
 I had a Porsche, I'd have the keys surgically attached to my hand!) Hey Gunther,
 these yours?
 Gunther: Yeah, that's what I drive. I make four bucks an hour, I saved up
 for 350 years!
 Joey: Na-uh! (To everyone there) Hey did anybody lose their keys?
 Monica: Joey, why don't you put them in the lost and found?
 Joey: There's a lost and found? (Gunther sets the box up on the table.) My
 shoe! (Grabs it out of the box.)
 Chandler: You left a shoe here?!
 Joey: Well, I didn't realize until I got home. I wasn't gonna walk all
 the way back down here with one shoe! Y'know what? I'm gonna go find that
 guy's car and leave a note on the windshield. (Goes to do so.)
 Chandler: Oh good, when he comes back for his keys, I'll be sure to give
 him your shoe.
 Joey: Great! Thanks. (Exits.)
 Phoebe: (coming in from the bathroom) Oh, good, good, you guys are here! Listen,
 how would like to spend tomorrow taking care of three incredibly cute little puppies?!
 Monica: Oh my God, what a fun day! That sounds great!
 Chandler: (not enthused) Yeah, all right.
 Phoebe: Okay, well I'll bring them by tomorrow morning. Okay, and uh, by
 the way, they're not actually puppies, they're Frank and Alice's triplets.
 Okay, see ya! (Exits.)
 Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa! What?
 Phoebe: (stops) Please! Please! Please! Please! Oh please! Please! Please! Frank
 and Alice asked me to baby sit the triplets and I'm nervous  cause I've
 never done that before by myself!
 Monica: Don't worry about it Phoebe, we'll absolutely do it.
 Chandler: Yeah, I'm gonna pass.  Cause I was kinda iffy when it was
 puppies.
 Monica: Come on Chandler, come on! It'll give us great practice for
 when (realizes what she's about to say and changes) people with babies come
 to visit.
 [Scene: The street down the block from Central Perk, Joey has found the Porsche and is
 writing the note.]
 Guy #1: Nice car!
 Joey: Yeah, it's not mine.
 Woman: (walking up) I love your car.
 Joey: Yeah, it's (looks up and sees the woman) mine.
 Woman: I bet it's fast.
 Joey: Me too! Yeah. And comfortable. Do uh, do you like leather seats?
 Woman: Yeah!
 Joey: (checks in the window to make sure it has them) It's got  em!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel are having tea.]
 Rachel: So, I still have boxes here. I still have boxes at Ross's, and
 I have nowhere to live! Wow. I could so easily freak out right now.
 Phoebe: What about me? I just found out that Denise is leaving town for a while,
 I don't have a roommate.
 Rachel: Well, maybe-maybe I could be your roommate Pheebs.
 Phoebe: Maybe you could be my roommate!
 Rachel: Well there's an idea!!
 Phoebe: Yeah!
 Rachel: That would be great! Wait, how long is Denise gone for?
 Phoebe: Umm, she said she'd be back December 26th.
 Rachel: December 26th, huh maybe she's Santa Clause.
 (Phoebe laughs, then stops to think about it. Ross enters.)
 Rachel: (deadpan) Oh look who it is, my husband. The apple of my eye.
 Ross: Okay, I got us a court date for tomorrow at 2:00 and I picked up all the
 forms. I'll take care of everything.
 Rachel: Well sure, if you say you're gonna take care of everything I have
 no reason to doubt you. Give me those forms! (Grabs them from him.) All right, now
 I'm gonna do this my way and I don't want to hear a peep out of you!


Ross: Okay Rach, but
 Rachel: Op! You're peeping!
 (Ross grunts something and hands her the pen he was trying to hand her.)
 Rachel: Ross! Y'know what, I just got why? Why did you do this?!
 Ross: Look I told you
 Rachel: I don't wanna hear 'Three failed marriages!'
 Ross: Look, if you'd had two failed marriages, you'd understand!
 Rachel: Well, y'know what? Thanks to you I'm half way there! Ugh! Oh!
 I am so mad! Ross, I don't think I have ever been this angry!
 Ross: What about the time I said we were on a break?
 Rachel: Ugh! (Stares at him.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next day, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are
 baby-sitting the triplets. They each have one baby.]
 Monica: Pheebs, how's it going?
 Phoebe: (rapidly) I'm doing okay. I think it's going well. Do you
 think they're having fun? Am I talking to fast?
 Monica: Nope, sound like me. Pheebs, it's going great. Look at Chandler
 with little baby girl Chandler.
 Chandler: Little baby girl Chandler, where I have heard that before? Oh right,
 Coach Ruben. (Tries to get her to drink a little more from the bottle when he suddenly
 smells something. It's times like these I'm glad Smell-O-Vision hasn't been
 invented.) Do you know what Pheebs? When you're done over there, we kinda have a
 situation over here too. (Phoebe is changing hers.)
 Phoebe: Na-uh, no, we are all responsible for our own babies.
 Chandler: See that's where I think that you're wrong. We've been
 playing these babies man for man; we should really be playing a zone defense.
 Monica: What do you mean?
 Chandler: I just think that things would go a lot smoother if we each have our
 own zone. Phoebe, you can be in charge of wiping. And y'know Mon, you can be in
 charge of diapering and I can be in charge of looking how cute they are when they put
 their hands around  (He degrades into baby talk, but he means when they grab his
 finger.)
 Phoebe: That sounds really great, but maybe you should be in charge of wiping.
 Chandler: Okay, I'm a rookie. I should not be in the end zone.
 [Time lapse, they have set up a little assembly line for diaper changes. Phoebe wipes,
 Chandler adds the powder, begrudgingly, and Monica puts the diaper on.]
 Monica: This is so great! This is exactly how we set the plates at the
 restaurant.
 Phoebe: Yeah? (Checking the final diaper) Well this is not what I ordered.
 Joey: (entering) Hey guys!
 Chandler: Hey!
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Joey: Hey babies! Oh, I'm having the best morning. That uh, that Porsche
 I've got the keys too, still there!
 Chandler: Shocking! Since you still have the keys.
 Joey: You should see the treatment I get when I'm with that car! People are
 friendly; they-they wanna talk, and not just about the car! One guy gave me advice about
 my equity investments.
 Chandler: What equity investments?
 Joey: The ones that got me the Porsche! Will you keep up! (Chandler wipes his
 forehead with a baby wipe, that might have been used. He drops it disgustedly.) But I
 figured, if-if people keep seeing me just standing there, they're gonna start to
 think that I don't own it. So I figured I'll wash it. Right? Monica, you got a
 bucket and some soap I can borrow?
 Monica: Oh yeah, I got soap and sponges and rags and Carnuba wax and polishing
 compound.
 Chandler: You don't even have a car!
 Monica: I know. But umm, one time there was this really dirty car in front of
 the building, so I washed it.
 Chandler: And?
 Monica: And six others.
 Chandler: There you are.
 [Scene: The Porsche, Joey is finishing up washing the car and is talking to a guy about
 the car.]
 Joey: Yeah, she tops out at 130.
 Guy #2: Wow!
 Joey: And that's just in the city. I get her up to 160 when I take her
 upstate.
 Guy #2: Really! You got a place upstate?
 Joey: Sure!
 Guy #2: Well, I'll see you later.
 Joey: Okay, take it easy.
 The Porsche Owner: Hey! That's my car.
 Joey: Really? Oh uh, oh just give me five more minutes with it.
 The Porsche Owner: What-what are you doing?
 Joey: Oh I-I uh, found the keys and now I'm just polishing her up.
 The Porsche Owner: But it's my car!
 Joey: Yeah, but it's my wax.
 The Porsche Owner: Listen, I-I-I don't come to this city much so I
 don't know if you're crazy or this is some kind of street theater, but could I
 have my keys.
 Joey: Sure. Here. (He hands them over.) I'll uh, save your parking spot.
 The Porsche Owner: I'm not coming back.
 Joey: Why not?
 The Porsche Owner: I live upstate.
 Joey: Yeah, so did I.
 (The guy gets in and drives off.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the triplets are all in their crib as Monica and Phoebe
 watch them.]


Phoebe: I don't know why I was so nervous about this. And I don't know
 why Frank and Alice are always complaining. This is so easy.
 Monica: Yeah, two hours, a lifetime that's the same.
 Chandler: (entering) Check it out! Check it out! When the babies wake up, they
 can meet Krog! (He holds up this Xena-like warrior action figure.)
 Monica: Chandler, what are you doing? That thing can put someone's eye out!
 Chandler: He can do more than that! He can destroy the universe!
 Phoebe: No Chandler, they can swallow one of those little parts! And also, look
 at his smooth area, that's just gonna mess them up.
 Chandler: They're not gonna swallow anything, you guys are being way over
 protective. When I was a kid, my mom used to just throw me into a pile of broken glass!
 Phoebe: What?!
 Chandler: Glass, sand, whatever. (Walks out as Monica and Phoebe turn to check
 on the babies again.)
 Phoebe: Oh, look at little Leslie stretching in her sleep.
 Monica: Oh it's so cute. I wonder what age it is when you stop being able
 to put both legs over your head.
 Phoebe: Oh, I can still do that.
 Monica: How are you still single?!
 Chandler: (entering) All right. (Clears throat) I thought about it and maybe
 you're right. Maybe Krog is not a safe toy.
 Monica: Good. What made you change your mind?
 Chandler: I swallowed the sonic blaster gun.
 Phoebe: How did that happen?!!
 Chandler: Well, I was trying to prove that I was right. Y'know? And it
 turns out I was wrong. And now it's lodged in my throat. (Mimics a cat trying to
 cough up a hairball.) (He does it again.)
 Monica: Damnit! Y'know this whole time we were concentrating on watching
 the babies and, and no one was watching Chandler! (He does it again.)
 [Scene: A judge's chambers, Rachel and Ross are filing their annulment papers.]
 Judge: Okay you two are asking the court for an annulment?
 Rachel: Yes your honor, and here are, are forms, all filled out.
 Judge: So based on your petition you are seeking an annulment on the grounds
 that Mr. Geller is mentally unstable.
 Ross: Fine, I'm mentally unstable.
 Judge: And based on the fact that Mr. Geller is intravenous drug user.
 Ross: What?!
 Rachel: Uh yes, heroin and crack.
 Ross: Crack isn't even an intravenous drug!
 Rachel: Well, you would know.
 Judge: Now it also says here that you lied about your sexual preference before
 marriage?
 Ross: Oh, come on!
 Rachel: (starts to cry) Ross, please, I found the magazines!
 Judge: And finally that you were unable to consummate the marriage. Well, that
 makes sense since you're gay and addicted to heroin.
 Ross: Okay, I'm sorry, this is insane! I-I-I'm not addicted to heroin,
 I'm not gay, and there is no problem with my ability to consummate anything!
 Look, I'll consummate this marriage right here, right now!
 Judge: That won't be necessary.
 Ross: And when we were dating we consummated like bunnies!
 Rachel: Ugh!
 Judge: Now if you were two involved in a serious relationship, that really
 creates a problem.
 Rachel: Ross! Your honor, rest assured relationship ended like two years ago!
 (To the stenographer) And could you strike 'Consummated like bunnies' from the
 record?
 Judge: Is there, anything in this record that is actually true?
 Rachel: Well, yes, we got married in Vegas and uh, and the names I think.
 Judge: Well, based on what I heard, you two certainly don't qualify for an
 annulment. If you two don't want to be together you'll have to file for divorce.
 Ross: (stands up) That's great! Are you happy now? Look what you did with
 your funny, funny form!
 Rachel: (stands up as well) What?! Me?! What about you and your consummated like
 bunnies nonsense!
 Ross: And what (notices the stenographer is still typing) What are you
 typing that for? Did you hear what she said? We don't get the annulment. Don't
 type that! What?! Stop typing! (He goes over to where the stenographer is typing and in
 the process pushes Rachel out of his way.) Hey! Stop typing! (He's still typing.)
 Stop typing! Stop typing!!
 Rachel: (to the judge) Okay, do you see, do you see what you're keeping me
 married too?!
 Judge: You need to get out of my chambers.
 Rachel: All right look lady here is the deal, I came here for an annulment and I
 am not leaving here until I get one!
 Ross: Yeah!
 Judge: Would you like to spend the night in jail?
 Rachel: And thank you for your time. (They both beat a hasty retreat.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is still doing the hairball thing as Monica and
 Phoebe are watching the babies. I can't describe it, you'll have to see it when
 it comes on in your area.]
 Joey: (entering wearing nothing but Porsche clothes) So the Porsche guy took his
 car back.


Chandler: But you found the keys to his clothes?
 Joey: No. No, I just uh, I just loved the way it feels when everybody thinks I
 own a Porsche.
 Monica: And people will think you own a Porsche because you're wearing the
 clothes?
 Joey: Of course! Only an idiot would wear this stuff if you didn't have the
 car! Right?
 Chandler: That is true.
 Phoebe: Yeah, but only a genius would swallow a sonic blaster gun.
 Joey: Oh, I've been there. Yeah, I am gonna go drive my Porsche. (Starts to
 leave.)
 Monica: Joey, you know you don't actually have one.
 Joey: Come on! What are you doing?! I'm in character! Would you talk to
 her! (Storms out.)
 Chandler: Ahh, I think it just moved. It's really poking me.
 Monica: All right, that's it, we're going to the emergency room.
 Phoebe: What?! No, you can't, you can't leave me here with them!
 We're baby-sitting!
 Monica: The babies are asleep, I'm sure you'll be okay on your own for
 a while!
 Phoebe: But you-you can't leave me with them! We-we're a team!
 We're playing a zone! They're gonna triple team me!
 Monica: He's got something plastic lodged in his throat, we've got to
 go to the hospital.
 Phoebe: But no, because a doctor won't be able to help him, it's just
 gonna y'know naturally pass through his system in like seven years.
 Chandler: I think that's gum.
 Phoebe: I'm pretty sure it's gun.
 Chandler: Okay, listen this really hurts. Let's go.
 Phoebe: A real man wouldn't just run to the hospital! (They don't
 stop.) No! What would, what would Krog do? (They ignore her and Phoebe is left alone.)
 [Scene: The street, Joey is hanging out wearing his Porsche grab.]
 Joey: Why isn't that valet back with my Porsche?
 Passerby: Maybe because you've got the keys?
 Joey: (to women passing him) Porsche.
 (Ross and Rachel approach, they're still yelling at each other.)
 Rachel: This is totally your fault!
 Ross: My fault?! You threatened the judge!
 Rachel: Well, you ripped the paper out of the court reporter's machine!!
 Ross: That was the only way I could get him to stop typing!
 Joey: Hi! How are the Gellers?
 Rachel: Don't call us that! (Storms away)
 Ross: The judge wouldn't let us get an annulment! Now we gotta get a
 divorce!! Did a Porsch throw up on you? (Walks on.)
 Joey: Hey! It's Porsche!! (He's right y'know.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is being triple teamed.]
 Phoebe: Me taking care of you is no problem, huh? You guys feel safe. Right?
 Okay, I'm gonna take that spit bubble as, 'Yeah, I do!' Okay, after I get
 rid of this dirty diaper Leslie, I'll set you up with a clean one. (She throws it at
 the garbage without looking, misses, and knocks over a vase and flowers, which fall to the
 floor and break.) Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I just have to
 clean that up. Okay?  Cause let's face it, we're at Monica's. (She
 crawls over, disposes of the diaper, picks up the flowers, and the vase.) I broke it. All
 right. Well, that's just the way that goes. (She throws out both the flowers and the
 vase.) Okay, good. (She turns around and only counts two babies.) Why are there only two
 of you? Where is Leslie? Well, you can't answer. (She starts looking for her) Leslie?
 Where are you Leslie? Leslie, now would be a good time for your first words! (She
 turns around and finds that Leslie has managed to crawl into the bottom drawer of the TV
 cabinet.) Well, look at you! Hey! You are a little bit mischievous! My gosh! (She picks
 her up and notices a surprise is waiting in the drawer.) Oh, you're a lot
 mischievous! Well, it'll dry. (Closes the drawer with her foot.) (To Leslie) Okay,
 you sit with your brother and sister now who aren't there! (They both have
 disappeared as well.)
 [Time Lapse, the babies are finally asleep. Good for Phoebe! The only problem is,
 Monica's apartment looks like a tornado, a hurricane, a swarm of locusts, fire,
 brimstone, hail, and giant man-eating, radioactive ants have torn the place apart.
 Needless to say, it's messy enough to cause Monica to die of shock right away.
 Parents with small children know what I'm talking about.]
 Chandler: (entering) Hey!
 Phoebe: (exhausted) How do you feel?
 Chandler: Well, let's just say that Krog will be fully equipped to destroy
 the universe again in twelve to fourteen hours.
 Phoebe: Okay, so I totally took care of the babies all by myself! I fed
  em, bathed  em, and put  em to bed.
 Chandler: And protected them from a tornado?
 (Monica enters and her jaw drops in horror.)
 Monica: Oh my God.
 Phoebe: I know, the babies are asleep.
 Monica: Phoebe, what, what happened here?!
 Phoebe: I did it! I took care of the babies all by myself!


 The One The Last Night
 The One The Last Night
 Written by: Scott Silveri
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 Directed by: David Schwimmer (Yeah, that David Schwimmer.)
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is balancing a mini hockey stick on his hand as
 Chandler enters from his room carrying a bunch of bills.]
 Chandler: (watches Joey for a moment) Okay! (Joey quickly moves the hockey stick
 so that he's scratching his back with it.) Listen, I'm gonna be moving out so you
 will be in charge of paying the rent.
 Joey: Right! And when is that due?
 Chandler: First of the month.
 Joey: And that's every month?
 Chandler: No, just the months you actually want to live here.
 Joey: Ahhh.
 Chandler: Okay, here is the phone bill. (Hands it to Joey.)
 Joey: (looking at it) Oh my God!!
 Chandler: That's our phone number. Now look, I know I kinda sprung this
 whole me moving out on thing, so why don't I just why don't I just cover
 you for a while?
 Joey: No-no! No way! Joey Tribbiani does not take charity anymore.
 Chandler: It's not charity, Joe
 Joey: No! Forget it! Okay I mean thanks, but I'm done taking money
 from you. All right, I can take of myself. Now, what's next? Come on.
 Chandler: Okay uh, here's the electric bill. (Hands it to him.)
 Joey: This is how much we pay for electric?!!!
 Chandler: Uh, yeah.
 (Joey runs over and shuts off the lights.)
 Chandler: So, we'll do the rest of the bills later then?
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is talking to Phoebe about trying to give Joey
 some money.]
 Phoebe: So is Joey going to have to give up the apartment?
 Chandler: No, I hope not! I tried to offer him some money, but he wouldn't
 take it.
 Phoebe: Well, how much do you think he needs?
 Chandler: I figure that $1,500 would cover him for a few months, y'know?
 But I have to trick him into taking it so I won't hurt his pride.
 Phoebe: Why don't you hire him as an actor? You could have him dress up and
 put on little skits. Whatever you want.
 Chandler: Well that would help the pride thing.
 Monica: (entering from her room) Hey!
 Chandler: Hey! Wow! You look great! Wanna move in with me tomorrow?
 Monica: (thinks) Okay.
 Chandler: Okay! (They kiss) So, what do you girls have planned for tonight?
 Monica: Well, instead of being sad that tonight is my last night together with
 Rachel we thought we'd go out to dinner and celebrate the fact that Rachel is moving
 in with Phoebe.
 Phoebe: And also, my birthday.
 Monica: It's not your birthday.
 Phoebe: What a mean thing to say! I would never tell you it's not
 your birthday!
 (Joey and Ross enter.)
 Joey: Hey!
 Ross: Hey!
 Chandler: Hey!
 Phoebe: Hey! So you guys have anything planned for the big last night?
 Chandler: Well, instead of just hanging out, we figure we'd do nothing.
 Ross: Whoa-whoa-whoa, Knicks season opener tonight. I thought maybe you guys
 would come over and watch it.
 Joey: I don't know Ross, not if you're gonna talk about how you gave
 up a career in basketball to become a paleontologist.
 Ross: I did give up a career in basketball to become a paleontologist!
 Rachel: (entering from her room) Pheebs, I was wondering
 Monica: You're not dressed yet?! We're supposed to start having fun in
 15 minutes!
 Rachel: Well and clearly not a minute sooner.
 Monica: Rachel, you are packed though right, I mean please tell me that
 you're packed.
 Rachel: Of course I packed! Monica relax! I just wanted to ask Phoebe her
 opinion on what I should wear tonight.
 Phoebe: My God, I can't get a minute of peace around this place.
 [Cut to Rachel's bedroom, Phoebe and her are entering. And it's obvious that she's
 not packed.]
 Phoebe: Oh my God! Monica's just gonna kill you.
 Rachel: Yeah, yeah, I know.
 Phoebe: Well, what you're wearing is fine for that.
 Monica: (entering) Rachel, I need to borrow You're not packed!!!!
 You're not packed even a little bit!
 Rachel: Surprise!!
 Monica: What?
 Rachel: No, no don't get mad because look this is what happened. So
 I-I started packing, then I realized, 'What am I doing? I am lousy at packing!'
 Right? But you love packing! So, as a gift to you, on our last night, ta-da!
 Monica: (grabs a bag of those Styrofoam peanuts) I'll be coordinator! Oh my
 God! I'm so sorry, I didn't get you anything! Okay, look everybody has to help!
 Okay? You can help, can't you Phoebe?
 Phoebe: I have plans.
 Monica: You're plans were with us.
 Phoebe: That's right.
 Monica: All right, Chandler can make boxes, Ross can wrap, and Joey can lift
 things. Now Phoebe, go tell the guys they have to help out!


Phoebe: Okay.
 Monica: Okay! (To Rachel) Oh my God, thank you!!
 [Cut to living room, Phoebe enters and closes Rachel's door behind her.]
 Phoebe: Hurry! Monica's gonna make you pack! She's got jobs for
 everyone! Now, it's too late for me, but save your selves! (The guys scramble for the
 door.)
 Monica: (entering and interrupting the guy's escape attempt) Okay! The
 movers will be here in 11 hours. Rachel has not packed. Now, everybody has to help!
 Chandler, we're gonna start with
 Chandler: Oh nope, I-I have plans with Joey.
 Monica: I thought you said you were going to do nothing.
 Chandler: Yes, but for the last time.
 Monica: Okay fine, now Ross
 Ross: Oh, but-but I can't do it.
 Monica: Why not?
 Joey: (quietly) I've got Ben.
 Ross: Because, because I've got Ben.
 Monica: It's almost 8 o'clock, it's almost past his bedtime.
 Where-where is he?
 Chandler: He's at a dinner party.
 Monica: Is he really coming? Because I can see right into your apartment!
 Ross: Of course he is! What, do you think I'd just use my son as-as an
 excuse? What kind of father do you think I am?
 Monica: All right, sorry. (Goes back to Rachel's room.)
 Ross: (to the guys) I gotta go make a fake Ben.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is entering carrying two pizzas.]
 Joey: Here it is! Our last pizzas together as roommates.
 Chandler: Oh, I wish I'd know you were going to do that, I ordered Chinese.
 Joey: Oh that's okay. Hey, actually in a way it's kinda nice. Me,
 bringing the food of my ancestors, you, the food of yours!
 (Chandler stares at him, dumbfounded, then finally agrees.)
 Chandler: Say, Joe, I had a strange idea of what we could do for our last night.
 What do you say we play a little uh, foosball for money?
 Joey: What, are you crazy? You haven't beaten me once since my injury
 plagued '97 season. It would be easier if you just give me your money.
 Chandler: Yes it would. What do you say to $50?
 Joey: Okay, you're on.
 Chandler: Okay, let's play! The big game, Italy vs. China, apparently.
 (They start playing.)
 [Scene: Rachel's bedroom, she's in her closet bringing down her pair of
 roller blades from a top shelf.]
 Rachel: Ohhhhhh, look it's the roller blades.
 Monica: (starting to cry) Oh God!
 Rachel: You remember when we got these?
 Monica: No.
 Rachel: I guess you weren't there. (They hug.)
 Phoebe: You guys, we said we were gonna have fun! Come on, hey, remember the
 time  (She starts laughing hysterically.) You don't remember?
 Rachel: I'm sorry Pheebs, I guess I'm just really said that I'm
 leaving.
 Monica: I'm gonna miss you so much.
 Phoebe: Well, this doesn't have to be so sad though. Y'know? Maybe
 instead of just thinking about how much you're gonna miss each other, you should like
 think of the things you're not gonna miss.
 Monica: I don't think there's anything.
 Phoebe: Come on, there's gotta be something.
 Monica: Nope, she's perfect.
 Rachel: I have one.
 Phoebe: Good! Great! You can go first.
 Rachel: Uh well, I guess I'm not gonna miss the fact that you're never
 allowed to move the phone pen. (Laughs. Monica lags behind the laugh a little bit.)
 Phoebe: Good that's a good one. Okay, Monica, anything? Y'know? Does
 Rachel move the phone pen?
 Monica: Aw, sometimes. Always, actually.
 Phoebe: Okay, good. There you go. Doesn't anyone feel better?
 Monica: Not just the phone pen. I never get my messages.
 Rachel: You get your messages!
 Monica: Yeah, well I don't think it really counts if you have to read them
 off the back of your hand after you fall asleep on the couch.
 Rachel: So-so, you missed a message from who? Chandler or your mom? Or Chandler?
 Or your mom?
 Phoebe: Great! It worked! No one's sad.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, they are just finishing up another game of foosball.]
 Joey: (scores) Yes! I win again! Ha-ha! That's like 500 bucks you owe me!
 Whoo-ho-hoo! (Goes over to the fridge and starts opening and closing the door rapidly.)
 $500 that is a loooot of electricity! (By the way, there's nothing in the fridge.)
 Whoo-ho-ho! (Notices the sparseness of the fridge.) I gotta buy some food.
 Chandler: Okay, give me a chance to win my money back. Okay? Sudden death, one
 goal, $1,000.
 Joey: You serious?
 Chandler: Oh yes!
 Joey: Okay, get ready to owe me!
 Chandler: Okay.
 Joey: Okay, here we go. Ready?
 [In slow motion, as some haunty demonic music plays in the background, Joey throws the
 ball in, Chandler quits playing and goes for his Chinese food. Joey smacks the ball really
 hard, shooting it down the table. Chandler slowly takes a bite, the ball bounces off of
 the wall, heads back up the table, and scores the goal for Chandler.]


Chandler: No! No! No! No (Joey looks at him) one can beat me.
 (In frustration, Joey kicks the table, breaking it.)
 Chandler: See? Now, that's why only the little fake men are supposed to do
 all the kicking.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the phone rings and Monica answers it as Rachel and Phoebe
 move a box into the living room.]
 Monica: Hello? (Listens) Oh, hi Ross! (To Rachel) See? Other people call me!
 Rachel: Ooh, your brother. Score!
 Monica: (on phone) What's up?
 Ross: Oh, I'm just over here with Ben. I thought we'd say hi.
 Monica: Oh, put him on!
 Ross: Ben, say hi to Aunt Monica. (He holds the phone to the fake Ben he has
 created out of a pumpkin.) Oh, I guess he doesn't feel like talking right now.
 He's smiling though! Okay, talk to you later.
 [Scene: Rachel's bedroom, Rachel is entering carrying two glasses of wine. She
 gives one to Phoebe, keeps one, and completely ignores Monica.]
 Phoebe: Yeah, I think it was better when you guys were sad. Hey, uh, remember
 the roller blades?
 Rachel: You know what else I'm not gonna miss? 'I'm Monica. I
 wash the toilet 17 times a day. Even if people are on it!'
 Monica: 'Hi I'm Rachel, is my sweater too tight? No? Oh, I'd
 better wash it and shrink it!'
 Rachel: 'I'm Monica, I don't get phone messages from interesting
 people. Ever!'
 Phoebe: Hey! I call her!
 Monica: 'Oh my God, I love Ross! I hate Ross! I love Ross! I hate
 Ross!'
 Rachel: 'Oh my God, I can't find a boyfriend! So I guess I'll
 just stumble across the hall and sleep with the first guy I find in there!'
 (Monica picks up one of those boxes of hair curling things, dumps it in a box, and
 storms out.)
 Phoebe: Yeah, we should get a move on if we wanna make those dinner
 reservations. (Phoebe dumps a drawer full of makeup into a box.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is examining the broken foosball table as Chandler
 enters from his room.]
 Chandler: Still broken?
 Joey: This sucks man! The last night you're here and I lose the two most
 important things in my life, the foosball table and $500.
 Chandler: Well, there are other ways of winning back your money, how about a
 little uh, a little Blackjack? (Holds up a deck of cards.)
 Joey: Nah, not my game.
 Chandler: Okay, uh, how about, how about y'know what? We could play a
 new game. A new game, it's fun.
 Joey: Well, what's it called?
 Chandler: Cups.
 Joey: I don't know how to play Cups.
 Chandler: I'll teach ya! Come on, come on, it's really easy and
 really, really fun.
 Joey: All right.
 Chandler: Okay, here you go. (He deals out two cards each.) I have two queens,
 what do you have?
 Joey: A two and a five.
 Chandler: Ho-ho, you win! 50 dollars!
 Joey: Really?!
 Chandler: Oh yeah! Okay, let's play again. (He deals out two cards each
 again.) What do you got?
 Joey: A four and a nine.
 Chandler: You're kidding right?
 Joey: No. Why?
 Chandler: Well that's a full cup! (Pays him again.)
 Joey: Damn! I am good at Cups!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is whining to Phoebe about Rachel.]
 Monica: I'm not talking to her!
 Phoebe: Well, one of you has to take the first step! And it should be you,
 because she's the one who's leaving. It's harder for her!
 Monica: Well, maybe you're right She made fun of my phone pen!
 Phoebe: I know, I took it hard too.
 (Monica goes into Rachel's room.)
 Monica: Listen Rachel, I feel really bad about What are you doing? (She
 sees that Rachel is unpacking.)
 Rachel: I'm unpacking!
 Monica: What?!
 Rachel: I'm not moving! (She re-hangs a picture, crookedly.) Is that
 picture straight?
 Monica: It needs to go about 20 blocks to the left!
 Rachel: Hey, y'know what? You're the one who wants to make this big
 change and move in with Chandler! You should be the one to go! Why should I have to
 leave?!
 Monica: Because it's my apartment!
 Rachel: Well it's mine too! What else you got?!
 Monica: How about, you're moving!! (Grabs a bunch of clothes and throws
 them into a box. What follows is a brief sequence of Rachel unpacking and Monica packing
 the same stuff over and over again as Rachel chants 'No.' and Monica chants
 'Yes.')
 Rachel: Look! This is ridiculous. We should be packing you!! (She knocks over
 Monica, grabs a box, and runs into the kitchen.)
 Phoebe: Hey, how are you guys doing?
 Rachel: Great! Monica's moving!
 Monica: (entering) I am not!
 Rachel: Oh really?! Then how come all your stuff is in this box?! (Monica starts
 chasing Rachel around the table.)
 Phoebe: Okay, you guys. You guys I think I know what's going on here. Okay,
 you guys  STOP!! (They stop.) I know that, I know that you're
 acting mad because you think that it'll make it easier to leave. But deep down
 you're still really sad. Deep-deep down.


Monica: No Phoebe I am mad!
 Phoebe: Well, deep-deep-deep down!
 Rachel: Yeah, I'm just mad!
 Phoebe: Then keep running. (They resume the chase.)
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, they're still playing Cups.]
 Chandler: You win.
 Joey: Well, what did you have?
 Chandler: It doesn't matter because nothing beats a three and a six. That
 my friend is D-Cup. Okay, now much have you won so far?
 Joey: Uh, (counts the money) wow, 700.
 Chandler: Not 700 exactly?
 Joey: Yeah.
 Chandler: Double it! (He does.)
 Joey: What?
 Chandler: Well you see in Cups, once you get $700, you have to double it.
 Joey: Really?
 Chandler: Hey, I didn't make up the rules. Now, after you receive the
 doubling bonus, you get uh, one card. Now that one card could be worth $100 bringing your
 total to 1,500. (Joey gets excited.) Don't get to excited because that's not
 gonna happen unless you get No way! (He takes the top card, which is the two of
 clubs. Of course, any card would've won. Chandler pays him.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica carries a box out of Rachel's room.]
 Monica: Well, this is the last box of your clothes. I'm just gonna label
 it, 'What were you thinking?'
 Rachel: Funny, because I was just gonna go across the hall and write that on
 Chandler.
 Phoebe: Hey you guys, I don't mean to make things worse, but umm, I
 don't want to live with Rachel anymore.
 Monica and Rachel: What?!
 Phoebe: You're just so mean to each other! And I don't want to end up
 like that with Rachel. I still like you!
 Rachel: Well, Phoebe that's fine because I'm not moving.
 Monica: Whoa-whoa-whoa, Phoebe you gotta take her! Y'know I-I-I said some
 really bad stuff about her, but y'know Rachel has some good qualities that
 make her a good roommate.
 Rachel: Oh really? Like what Monica?
 Monica: Y'know she has 147,000 pairs of boots
 Rachel: Oh yeah, good start Mon.
 Monica: She lets you borrow them.
 Rachel: Yeah and you stretch  em out with your big old clown feet.
 Monica: Do you wanna live outside?! Because it's gettin' cold! (To
 Phoebe) She gets tons of catalogs and umm, she'll fold down the pages of the things
 she thinks that I'd like.
 Phoebe: What else?
 Monica: When I take a shower, she leaves me little notes on the mirror.
 Rachel: Yeah, I do. I-I do, do that.
 Phoebe: That's nice. I like having things to read in the bathroom.
 Monica: When I fall asleep on the couch after reading, she covers me over with a
 blanket.
 Rachel: Well y'know, I don't want you to be cold.
 Monica: And when I told her that I was gonna be moving in with Chandler, she was
 really supportive. (To Rachel) (Starts to cry) You were so great. You made it so easy. And
 now you have to leave. And I have to live with a boy!! (They both break down in tears.)
 Rachel: Oh, it's gonna be fine.
 Phoebe: Okay Rachel, I can't wait to live with you! And you know
 what we should do? Bring Monica and then we could all live there together! We'll have
 so much fun!!
 Rachel: But honey, I think she's moving in with Chandler.
 Phoebe: Oh that's right. You're still set on that?
 Monica: Kinda. (She hugs Phoebe and looks out the window. She moves closer to it
 to get a better look.) Oh my God!
 [Cut to Ross's apartment, he's watching TV and eating some popcorn as the
 phone rings.]
 Ross: (answering the phone) Hello? (Listens) Hey Mon, how's the packing
 going? (Listens) Ben? He's fine. Yeah, he's right Oh my God! (He looks over
 at the fake Ben and notices that the head has fallen off.) Get your head of your shirt
 there son! (He tries to push the pumpkin through the neck hole.) What? (Listens) Yeah,
 it's a pumpkin. I'll come pack.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, (Ohh, that's the last time I'm ever gonna type
 that line. It's just so sad.) Joey is entering, angrily.]
 Joey: Hey!
 Chandler: What's wrong?
 Joey: Ross and I were helping the girls pack, took a little break, I lost $1,500
 to him in Cups!
 Chandler: Wh-How did you lose at Cups?!
 Joey: The same way you lost. I started out with a King and a Queen, bamn! Ross
 gets a 2 and a 3. Then I get a Jack and a King, boom! Ross gets a 4 and a 5! Ross was
 getting the Cup card, the D-Cup, the Sittin' Down Bonus! Meanwhile, I didn't
 even get half a cup! Nothin'!!
 Chandler: Oh man!!
 Joey: And he never played before either! Y'know what I think? I think
 beginner's luck, very important in Cups.
 Chandler: All right, let's play one more hand! One more!
 Joey: No, no, no more! I cannot lose another dime! I'm serious this time!
 In-in fact, look, there's a I wanna give you something. And let me give it too
 you know before I pawn it for Cups money. (He rolls the big white dog over) Now, I want
 you to have the big white dog as a kinda of a, y'know, thank you for being such a
 great roommate.


 The One Where Phoebe Runs
 The One Where Phoebe Runs
 Written by: Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer
 Transcribed by: Kiza Abuzahra
 With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's new apartment, Rachel and Phoebe are making their
 answering machine message.]
 Phoebe: Ready?
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Phoebe: Okay.
 Rachel: Hi...
 Phoebe: it's...
 Rachel: Rachel...
 Phoebe: and
 Rachel: Phoebe's...
 Phoebe: please...
 Rachel: leave...
 Phoebe: leave
 Rachel: Wait, I-I just said 'leave.'
 Phoebe: Yeah, I know because you have all the good words. What do I get? I get
 'it's,' 'and' oh I'm sorry, I have 'A.' Forget it.
 Rachel: Phoebe, come on that's silly.
 Phoebe: All right, so let's switch.
 Rachel: No, I have all of the good words. OK, fine, fine, we can switch.
 Phoebe: Okay.
 Rachel: Okay.
 Phoebe: Hi
 Rachel: Everybody
 Phoebe: It's
 Rachel: Rachel
 Phoebe: and
 Rachel: Phoebe's
 Phoebe: Please...wait, how did you do that?
 Rachel: What?
 Phoebe: Oh, you're no ordinary roommate are you?
 Rachel: Phoebe, come on can we finish this later? Cause I wanna go running
 before it gets dark. Oh! Why don't you come with me?!
 Phoebe: Really?
 Rachel: Yeah, it'll be fun. We'll run in the park. It'll be like our first
 y'know roommate bonding thing.
 Phoebe: Okay, let's go running!
 Rachel: Yeah and there's really cute guys there.
 Phoebe: Let's run towards them!
 Rachel: OK!
 Phoebe: All right, wait just one more second. Hi, it's Phoebe and Rachel's.
 Please leave a message, thanks!
 Rachel: Now wait a minute. You just took all the words!
 Phoebe: Uh-huh. You've met your match Rachel Green.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's new apartment, Ross and Chandler are there.]
 Ross: So, I just finished this fascinating book. By the year 2030, there'll be
 computers that can carry out the same amount of functions as an actual human brain. So
 theoretically you could download your thoughts and memories into this computer and-and-and
 live forever as a machine.
 Chandler: (not amused) And I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.
 [Monica enters]
 Monica: Hey!
 Ross and Chandler: Hey!
 Monica: (jumps over a box) Honey, that's a great idea nailing the boxes to the
 floor!
 Chandler: I didn't nail the boxes to the floor.
 Monica: Oh, So you can move them!
 Chandler: Yes, and while I'm doing that, Ross has a great computer story for
 you.
 [Joey enters with his new roommate who is played by none other than Elle MacPherson.]
 Joey: Hey everybody! Uh, I'd like you to meet Janine. She's-she's gonna be my
 new roommate!
 Janine: Hi.
 Ross: Hi! (Rushes over to shake her hand instantly.)
 Janine: Hi
 Joey: Yeah, she's gonna live with me!
 Monica: It's nice to meet you. Janine...?
 Janine: Lecroix. Janine Lecroix
 Joey: I didn't know that! Well, what a pretty last name!
 Chandler: So, uh, wh-where ya from?
 Janine: Australia, I just moved here a couple of weeks ago.
 Joey: (shocked) From the land down under? I didn't know that either!
 Ross: So uh, wha-uh, what do you do?
 Janine: I'm a dancer.
 Joey: You're a dancer? She-she's a dancer!
 Janine: Well, I think I'll go and unpack.
 Joey: Oh, hey let me. (Opens the door for Janine and after he closes the door
 behind her gasps ecstatically.)
 Monica: Joey, did you even interview this woman before you asked her to move in?
 Joey: Of course I did.
 Monica: Uh-huh, what exactly did you ask her?
 Joey: 'When can you move in?'
 Ross: Thank you for bringing her into our lives.
 Chandler: Unbelievable
 Monica: Oh, so you like her too Chandler?
 Chandler: Hey, look at all the boxes!
 Joey: Ugh, I cannot wait to ask her out!
 Monica: Wait a minute...Joey. Joey you can't ask her out, she's your roommate.
 It-it'll be way too complicated.
 Ross: Yeah, yeah man don't do it. I mean if you date her, then-then-then I can't
 date her.
 Chandler: All right, think about it. Now remember when you were going out with
 that girl Donna and you guys broke up. Remember how horrible it was when you guys bumped
 into each other at the supermarket?
 Joey: Oh God, yeah.
 Chandler: Now imagine you live at the supermarket.
 Joey: (happily) Okay!
 Chandler: No-no
 Joey: Oh, Oh, you're right! I don't want that. I can't date her!
 Monica: Yeah and you better watch the flirting too, cause you know, in such
 close quarters, it could be trouble.
 Joey: Well, that's gonna be tough Mon. I mean it's hard for me to be around an
 attractive woman and not flirt.
 Monica: (chuckles) Hmm, well you're around me all the time and you don't flirt.
 Joey: You a little sad about that sweetheart?
 [Scene, The Park: Phoebe and Rachel are getting ready to go running]


Phoebe: I have to tie my shoe, so you go ahead, I'll catch up.
 Rachel: Okay. (Runs off.)
 Phoebe: Okay. (Starts running crazily with her arms flapping and her legs far
 apart) Come on! That's not running! Let's go! (Rachel pauses, then follows, embarrassed.)
 [Scene, Central Perk: Rachel, Ross and Monica are there]
 Rachel: You guys, I'm telling you, when she runs, she looks like a cross between
 Kermit The Frog and The Six Million Dollar Man.
 Ross: Monica had such a crush on him. Yeah, she used to kiss his poster every
 night before she went to bed.
 Rachel: Oh! I used to do that too!
 Monica: Did you also have his album, It's Not Easy Being Green?
 Rachel: Aw, Mon...(Kisses her on the cheek)
 Monica: So, Phoebe runs weird huh?
 Rachel: Yeah, yeah and you know what, I know she's gonna wanna run again, I just
 don't know how to get out of it, I mean, I live with her.
 Monica: Why don't you just be straight with her? Tell her the truth.
 Ross: Yeah.
 Rachel: You're right, you're right. I should just tell her the truth.
 [Phoebe enters]
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Ross: Hey!
 Rachel: Pheebs, Monica tripped me, I don't think I can ever run again, ever!
 Phoebe: Why? Why would you do that?
 Monica: I don't know. Rachel I'm-I'm sorry that I hurt your ankles.
 Rachel: Ankle.
 Monica: We'll see.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's new apartment, Chandler is putting something away
 under the sink.]
 Chandler: OK, I'm officially unpacked. Thanks for helping me man. (Turns around
 and sees that Joey isn't there.) Joe? (Hears giggling coming from a box) Well, I guess
 Joey went home. Oh and look, there's still one box that I have to unpack. (Hears the
 giggling again)
 Joey: (jumps out of the box) I Gotcha!!
 Chandler: (pretending) Oh my God! You-almost-gave-me-a-heart-attack.
 Joey: Boy, it was so hard not to laugh, I tell ya. Hey, hey, the place looks
 great!
 Chandler: Yeah, not bad right? You know what, Monica's gonna be working
 late, so I'm gonna make this place spotless. You know what else I'm gonna do, know what
 else I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go downstairs, I'm gonna get her some flowers. Now who
 wouldn't wanna live with me?
 Joey: (raises his hand) I don't! No, I wanna live with the super-hot Australian
 dancer.
 Chandler: Yeah, now how's that going though? Are you okay with the not-flirting
 thing?
 Joey: Yeah. Well, so far yeah. But it's tough you know? I got all this built up
 flirting energy and I don't know how to get rid of it. (Gives Chandler the
 'Joey-love,' look.) How you doin?
 [Scene Joey and Janine's new apartment, Janine is there. Joey walks in to see
 Janine bent over, stretching.]
 Joey: (voice cracking) Ohhhh man
 Janine: Sorry, there's just more room out here.
 Joey: No-no-no-no-no, it's-it's uh, you just uh, uh reminded me that uh, I need
 to do my stretches too. (Starts to stretch, groans painfully)
 Janine: (touches his waist) Why don't you try to do-
 Joey: (jumps up and yells)
 Janine: What's wrong?
 Joey: Uh-uh nothing. I-I-I-I didn't want you to touch me cause I'm -I'm all
 sweaty from the workout. I better hit the shower. (Goes into the bathroom and comes back
 out quickly) Oh my God!
 Janine: Oh, sorry about that stuff hanging in there. It's just my
 thongs are too delicate for the dryer.
 (Joey laughs nervously and goes to his bedroom.)
 [Scene, The Park, Rachel is running and Phoebe is hiding behind a tree.]
 Phoebe: (jumps in front of Rachel) Hi! Oh yeah, uh-huh, it's me. I saw you grab
 your running shoes this morning and sneak out. You lied so you could run by yourself.
 Rachel: No, no Phoebe no, I was...no. You know what, I was, I was actually just
 checking to, see, if I could run. And I can!
 Phoebe: Please Rachel, I am not an idiot. (Runs off)
 Rachel: No, wait Phoebe.
 [Scene, Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is there. Everything is out of its place
 and Chandler's cleaning.]
 Ross: (enters) Wow, couples who live together do start to look alike. So,
 Mondler...uh, what uh, what  cha doin?
 Chandler: What does it look like I'm doing? I am cleaning!
 Ross: Did you get Monica's authorization to move all of her stuff?
 Chandler: Authorization? I don't need that. I'm gonna put everything back.
 Ross: Put it back exactly where you found it?
 Chandler: Yes I'm gonna put it back (Mocking Ross) exactly where I found
 it.
 Ross:  Kay, first of all, this attitude is not helping.
 Chandler: She's not gonna care if I put her stuff back in the same stupid place.
 Ross: Whoa, hello, did you just meet Monica?
 Chandler: She is gonna recognize that I did a nice thing and-and, appreciate it.
 Ross: Hmm -you know, actually this'll work out well. Cause when you have to move
 back in with Joey, Joey's hot new roommate can come and live with me.


Chandler: I see, I see, y-y-you're trying to freak me out.
 Ross: Look Chandler, Monica is really weird about this kind stuff all right.
 Believe me, I lived with her for 16 years. She is going to freak out. Oh my God,
 she's going to sit on you.
 Chandler: No, she's not okay? And I'll prove it to you. I'm gonna call her right
 now. (Picks up the phone and wipes it off) Phone's done ehh.
 Monica: (on phone) Hi!
 Chandler: Hey Mon, how's it going?
 Monica: Terrible. If-if I want something done right, I have to do it myself.
 Other people just wreck stuff. I really think I might kill someone tonight.
 Chandler: Oh come on, come on, it can't be that bad.
 Monica: It's worse. The only thing that's getting me through is knowing that I'm
 gonna be seeing you soon. I think I may even try to get out of here early.
 Chandler: No! No-no-no-no-no-no. It sounds like they really need you down there.
 Monica: Well, are you just hanging out with Ross?
 Chandler: It's, all good! Okay bye-bye Mon! (To Ross) She's-she's gonna kill me.
 Ross: Yeah, the phone was facing the other way. (Chandler fixes it and a picture
 frame off the table.) And that goes back up there.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, continued from earlier.]
 Chandler: We should start with the big stuff. Y'know? That'll be the
 easiest. Uh, let's start with the couch. (He picks up one end and Ross doesn't help) I got
 it. (He moves it back to where he thinks it goes.)
 Ross: Yeah that-that, doesn't look right.
 Chandler: What are you talking about? The couch is perfectly in line with the
 carpet. And then I can just walk over here and casually just put my feet right up on
 the...(Tries to rest his feet on the coffee table but they won't reach) OK, OK, here's
 what we do, we just uh, move the couch closer to the coffee table.
 Ross: Whoa, whoa, but then the back of the couch won't line up with he back of
 the carpet.
 Chandler: OK well here, we'll just move the coffee table closer to the couch.
 Ross: Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, but then the coffee table won't be centered in the
 seating area.
 Chandler: Yes, but the coffee table doesn't match
 the...blahebdmsdlkhdyslkd;btyds...Rooosss!!!!
 Joey: (entering) Look, what am I gonna do? I'm not flirting but still, I'm
 drawing her to me like - like a moth to a flame! (Tries to put his feet on the coffee
 table...they won't reach and looks around.) What the hell's going on over here?!?!?
 (Points to Chandler) Monica's gonna kill you! Look I need your help, I have to do
 something to-to repel this woman! Wait a minute, wait a minute, you guys repel women all
 the time.
 Ross: Hey, I've been married 3 times
 (Chandler gives him a round of mock applause.)
 Joey: No-no-no I've seen it happen, you-you get a rapport going with a woman but
 somehow you manage to kill it. What's your secret?
 Ross: Look, we do not repel women OK? That is completely untrue.
 Chandler: Oh no, yes we do my man. Remember when we were back in college and we
 went to that spring dance and you walked right up to that girl you liked and you could not
 stop talking about the Irish potato famine?
 Ross: Yeah, well what about you? You weren't you know, so hot in college either.
 After everything he said, he'd go 'ba dum bum chessh'
 Chandler: Yeah, Monica doesn't like that either, Maybe I should stop doing that.
 Ross: Oh y'know what, girls don't like it when I start talking about science.
 Chandler: That's not specific to girls.
 Joey: This is great, this is great, what else, what else?
 Ross: Uh, they don't like it when you correct their grammar.
 Chandler: And they don't like it when you explain why your jokes are funny.
 Ross: They don't like it when you keep asking them if they like you.
 Chandler: Man, I'm so lucky I have Monica.
 Ross: (nonchalantly) I'm never gonna find love again.
 [Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Rachel is there as Phoebe enters.]
 Rachel: Hey Phoebe, can I talk to you for a second?
 Phoebe: Sure
 Rachel: Okay, um, I...(Phoebe walks into her room.) All right Phoebe look, I
 just wanted to say that I'm sorry. OK? I handled the situation horribly and I should not
 have lied to you.
 Phoebe: So, what should you have done?
 Rachel: Well, I-I should've told you the truth.
 Phoebe: Uh-Huh, Which is...?
 Rachel: Well, y'know, the reason I didn't wanna go running with you is because
 um, well y'know the way that you run is a little...(Starts flapping her arms)
 Phoebe: So?
 Rachel: Well, it's embarrassing. People were looking at us like we were crazy.
 Phoebe: Why do you care?
 Rachel: Because they're people.
 Phoebe: But people that you don't know and will never see again.


Rachel: Yes, but still. They're people with eyes.
 Phoebe: Well, I didn't get embarrassed running next to Miss (panting). But no,
 okay. No, no, I can see why running with me would be embarrassing to you. Yeah, okay.
 You're uptight.
 Rachel: I-I am not uptight Hey-hey-hey-oh-oh! Listen, I am not uptight,
 man.
 Phoebe: That's okay Rachel. I'm not judging you; that's just who you are. Me.
 I'm more free y'know? I run like I did when I was a kid, cause that's the only way it's
 fun. Y'know, I mean didn't you ever run so fast you thought your legs were gonna fall
 off? Y'know, like when you were like running towards the swings or running away from
 Satan? (Rachel looks confused) The neighbor's dog.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler has the tape measure out and is busy
 lining up the lamp on the kitchen counter, Ross is supervising the whole operation.]
 Chandler: Okay, is this lamp in the same place?
 Ross: Who cares? I repel women.
 [Monica tries to come in]
 Chandler: (blocks the door) No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no!!! You can't come in here!
 R-r-r-r-Ross is naked.
 Monica: What?!
 Ross: (whispers) What?!
 Chandler: (to Ross) I couldn't say that I was naked because she's allowed too
 see me naked.
 Ross: Why does anyone have to be naked?
 Monica: Why is Ross naked?
 Ross: I-I had to show Chandler something?
 Monica: Naked?
 Ross: Yeah-yeah I uh, I have a uh, a guy problem.
 Monica: Is it the same thing that Chandler had?
 Chandler: Look, uh, just come later, we'll get everything squared away and you
 can come back later.
 Monica: Okay, listen, there's still some of Chandler's medicine under the sink
 in the bathroom. Bye!
 Chandler: Bye! Thank God
 Ross: Dude, what'd you have?
 Chandler: Look, we have no time okay? We must focus. We gotta get everything
 back into its original place.
 Ross: (realizes something) The photo album! There were millions of pictures of
 the apartment in the photo album. We just go through it and match everything to the
 pictures.
 Chandler: That's perfect! That's brilliant! (Starts going through the photo
 album)
 Ross: So really, what'd ya have?
 [Scene: Joey and Janine's, Janine's there. Joey enters]
 Janine: Hey Joey, I got some beer for you.
 Joey: Uh, don't you mean 'for whom?'
 Janine: Sure, listen I was gonna order some pizza, you wanna share one?
 Joey: Pizza, heh, its not like I never had that before...ba dum bum cheshhh.
 Janine: Is there something wrong?
 Joey: All right, All right, let's just get this out in the open okay? You're
 hot. I'm lovable. Clearly there's a vibe going on between us. But, we're roommates and
 it's a huge mistake for us to continue down this road.
 Janine: Joey...
 Joey: No, no, no, I'm telling ya. Imagine yourself living in a supermarket and
 you will understand okay? So the question is, what do we do?
 Janine: Well, I don't think there is anything to do. I mean I think you're
 really sweet, but I'm just not interested in you like that.
 Joey: Oh!
 Janine: No! I mean you're a really nice guy and I'm happy to be your roommate
 and your friend, I'm just y'know, I just don't feel that way about you.
 Joey: Oh! I see what happened. It's because I was trying to repel you. Right?
 Believe me, you'd feel a lot different if I turned it on.
 Janine: I don't think so.
 Joey: Oh, I do. (Gives her the Joey-love look.) How you doin?
 Janine: I'm OK
 Joey: What?!?!
 Janine: What?
 Joey: Oh dear God!
 [Scene: The park, Rachel's running by herself and panting. After a little while she
 decides to run like Phoebe.]
 Rachel: (Runs into Phoebe.) Hey!
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Rachel: Oh honey, I'm so sorry, you were right, this feels great!
 Phoebe: See? And you don't care if people are staring, it's just for a second
 cause then you're gone!
 Rachel: Gone! I mean its amazing Pheebs. I feel so free and so graceful. (Turns
 and bumps into a mounted policeman and falls) Hey! Look out for the horse! Sorry! (Runs
 off.)
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Ross are there. Monica enters]
 Monica: Is it okay for me to come in now?
 Chandler: Uh-huh
 Monica: Why is everything different?
 Ross: Bye! (Runs out)
 Chandler: No, I don't see anything different other than the fact that the room
 got so much brighter when you came into it. (Forced laughter)
 Monica: Well, the end table is wrong, The couch looks bizarre and don't even get
 me started on the refrigerator magnets.
 Chandler: Okay look, don't...don't be mad okay? But after I unpacked the boxes I
 wanted to do something nice for you, so, I-I-I cleaned the apartment. So I moved
 everything around and then I forgot where it, where it went back and I'm sorry, I'm very
 sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.


 The One With Ross's Teeth
 The One With Ross's Teeth
 Written by: Perry Rein and Gigi McCreey
 Transcribed by: Aaron D. Howard-Miller
 [Scene: Joey and Janine's, Chandler knocks on the front door. Joey answers the
 door.]
 Joey: Hey.
 Chandler: Hi, my name's Chandler. I just moved in next door and I was
 wondering if you would be interested in battling me in a post-apoplectic world for control
 of the galaxies last remaining energy source?
 Joey: Sure, neighbor come on in.
 Chandler: So, is Janine around?
 Joey: Uh, no, she's at dance class.
 Chandler: Can I check out what she did to my room?
 Joey: Yeah, but, hey look, don't go through her stuff. She gets really
 mad.(Chandler gives him a look and walks to the door of his old room.)
 Chandler: (The room is filled with flowers and a floral print sheet on the bed.) Oh
 my God. What is th  it's like a guy never lived in here. Look, you've got
 to be careful. This girl thing is dangerous. (Looking around the living room.) It's
 spreading already.
 Joey: (Looking around the room.) It is???
 Chandler: (Picking up a pillow.) Yeah, is this your pretty pink pillow on the
 couch?
 Joey: No.
 Chandler: (Pointing to the table and picking up the box.) Is that your tiny little
 box, that's too small to put anything in?
 Joey: No.
 Chandler: No! Ok, this is not good. You are a guy. Ok? This is a guys place. If you
 let this go, you're going to be sitting around with your fingers soaking in stuff.
 Joey: (With Big Eyes.) All right, you're right. I'll talk to her.
 Chandler: Yes talk to her. Be a man.
 Joey: I'm a man.
 Chandler: Defend yourself.
 Joey: (Grunting) Hmm. (Monica opens the front door and comes in.)
 Monica: Chandler come on. We have to hem the new dust ruffle.
 Chandler: Be right there sweetums. (Monica leaves. To Joey.) A totally different
 situation.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, The gangs all here. Monica is walking in.]
 Monica: Hey guys.
 Chandler: Hey, how was your breakfast with Hillary?
 Monica: It was okay. She's still kind of depressed because she broke up with
 her boyfriend.
 Chandler: Ohh, yeah.
 Ross: Well, is this Hillary your HOT assistant chef Hillary?
 Monica: Yeah.
 Ross: The one that always stares at me when I come in?
 Monica: No, the one who looked at you once because you got in her way.
 Ross: Still I could tell. She was into me. (Joey rolls his eyes.) Well, why
 don't you set us up?
 Rachel: Ohh, are you setting Ross up with someone? Does she have a wedding dress?
 Phoebe: (Walking over and Sitting down.) Hey.
 Rachel: Hey.
 Phoebe: Rachel?
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Phoebe: I'm, uhh, making up flyers trying to get new massage clients. So, can
 I come to Bloomingdale's and use the copy machine.
 Rachel: Well, sure, but they might think it's kinda weird considering I
 don't work there anymore.
 Phoebe: Oh my God. What happened?
 Rachel: I-I, got a job at Ralph Lauren.
 Phoebe: Well that's great! Congratulations!! (She hugs Rachel.)
 Rachel: Yeah. (chuckling) A year ago..
 Phoebe: (Hugging her again.) You've lasted a whole year. Good for you.
 Rachel: But, Pheebs, you can still use the copy machine where I actually work. But,
 just come by at lunch so my boss doesn't see you. Cause Kim will just freak out and
 she already doesn't like me very much.
 Chandler: That's weird. I don't think my boss likes me either.
 Monica: I don't think mine likes me either.
 Ross: Maybe it's a universal thing?
 Joey: Or maybe, it's because you're hanging around here at 11:30 on a
 Wednesday. (Everybody gets up.)
 Chandler: Yeah let's head off to work.
 Monica: We should go.
 [Scene: Rachel's office, Phoebe hands Rachel a key card.]
 Phoebe: Thank you.
 Rachel: Sure.
 Phoebe: Now you will not believe this. But, I was in the copy room, making copies,
 and Ralph Lauren came in.
 Rachel: Oh my God. Did you talk to him?
 Phoebe: Yeah a little. He seems really nice. Good kisser.
 Rachel: What? What!?! You kissed him?
 Phoebe: Totally.
 Rachel: (Gasps) Phoebe are you serious?
 Phoebe: Yeah. I was just in there. He introduced himself and the next thing I know,
 we're making out. You know.
 Rachel: Phoebe, I mean, you do know he's married?
 Phoebe: No!
 Rachel: Phoebe
 Phoebe: What am I supposed to do? Ask every guy I make out with if he's
 married? (Rachel looks at her.) No, yeah, I should.
 [Scene: Joey and Janine's apartment, Joey stares at a picture of a bay on the
 wall. Janine comes out of her room.]
 Janine: Hey Joey.
 Joey: Hey. Uh, can I talk to you for a second? This, uh, kid in this picture. Do
 you, uh, know this kid? Is that like a relative or something?
 Janine: No, I just thought it was cute.


Joey: Yeah, that's what I was afraid of.. Okay, uhh Look Janine I really
 want you to feel at home here, but some of this new stuff. It's too girly.
 Janine: Ohh. Like what?
 Joey: Like this. (pointing to the picture) Pictures of cute babies we don't
 know. We..we can't have that.
 Janine: Joey, it's Anne Geddes. She's a famous artist.
 Joey: Look I don't know this baby. I don't know if she's a famous
 artist or not. You know, and I don't want to be a jerk but you're changing too
 much around here.
 Janine: Well, I'm sorry. I just thought I'd try to make the place a
 little nicer.
 Joey: Yeah but it's too much stuff. You know like, you got the candles and the
 foofy schmoofer thing here and over here you got a picture of a watering can.
 Janine: Well I just thought
 Joey: I'm sure it's a famous watering can, okay. But, come on and
 what is with the really hot stick in the bathroom?
 Janine: It's a curling iron.
 Joey: Ohh, well, that's ok then. But, okay my towels for instance. I come in
 to the bathroom here and my towel is not on the floor where keep it. It's up here on
 some hook..and smells different.
 Janine: It's clean.
 Joey: Yeah, well, it feels different.
 Janine: It's dry.
 Joey: Alright, I can make my peace with the clean dry towels Also what is with
 these chips you bought?
 Janine: No no no no, it's potpourri. You're supposed to smell it. (Joey
 takes a big whiff of the potpourri.)
 Joey: (Voice cracking) Well that's like summer in a bowl.
 [Scene: Elevator at the Ralph Lauren offices, Rachel gets on her boss Kim is there.]
 Rachel: Oh, Kim, Hi. (Kim doesn't even look up from her report.)
 Kim: Uhh-huh.
 Rachel: So you know, I I handed in that marketing report and I never got to
 hear what you thought.
 Kim: I didn't read it.
 Rachel: Ahh .So Wow The spring line, it's really going to be
 great this year, huh?
 Kim: Yeah.
 Rachel: So I hear the Ralph Lauren fooled around with someone in the copy room.
 (Kim stops the elevator and turns to Rachel.)
 Kim: Tell me everything.
 [Scene; Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are on the couch. Ross walks in.]
 Ross: Hey guys.
 Chandler and Monica: Hey.
 Ross: What's up? (He smiles. His teeth are freakishly white.)
 Chandler: You know Oh My God.
 Monica: What happened to your teeth.
 Ross: I whitened them.
 Chandler: (Sarcastically) Really.
 Ross: Yeah. What do you think.
 Monica: Well, I think I shouldn't look directly at them.
 Ross: Come on, seriously.
 Monica: Ross they're really, really, really white.
 Chandler: Yeah, what was wrong with your old human teeth.
 Ross: Ahh, I-I did leave the gel on a little longer then it said to.
 Monica: How much longer?
 Ross: A-A day.
 Monica: Ross you know that tonight is your date with Hillary?
 Ross: I know. That's why I did it. (With a big smile) Come on, are they really
 that bad?
 Chandler: No, no no no. You'll be fine. (turning to Monica) Hillary's
 bind, right?
 Monica: She will be after tonight.
 Chandler: Yeah. (Rachel walks in.)
 Ross: Oh, hey, hey Rach, do you notice anything..ahh
 Rachel: Yeah. Your teeth? Yes, I saw them from outside. (Sitting down on the
 couch.) You guys are never going to believe this. But, Phoebe made out with Ralph Lauren.
 Chandler: What???
 Monica: Oh my god.
 Rachel: Yeah I know. She ran into him at my office and they just made out. And
 the craziest thing is, now my boss likes me because I told her about it and she said it
 was the best gossip she'd heard all year.
 Chandler: I am proud of all my friends today.
 Monica: My God, Rachel, I can't believe Phoebe made out with Ralph Lauren.
 Ohh, I'm so jealous. (Chandler looks at her.)
 Chandler: Hi, I'm Chandler. Your live-in boy
 Monica: Chandler, please, come on. Look at him. (Pointing to a picture of Ralph on
 a magazine,.)
 Chandler: Oh, I am no women, but that is one tasty dish. (Phoebe walks in.)
 Phoebe: Hey. Here. (Hands Chandler a copy of her flyer and sees the picture of
 Ralph.) Ohh, who's the silver fox?
 Rachel: That-that is your make out buddy. Don't you recognize him? (Holding up
 the magazine in front of her face.) Oh wait. Ohh, Phoebe I love you. Kiss me please.
 Phoebe: That's not Ralph Lauren. Sounds like him though.
 Rachel: What?
 Phoebe: Yeah, no, Ralph doesn't look anything like that guy.
 He's-he's young and he's got long hair and a beard and a hacky sack.
 Rachel: Oh My God, Phoebe, that's not Ralph Lauren. That's Kenny the copy
 guy.
 Phoebe: What?
 Rachel: Oh..Go..Oh..and I told my boss that someone made out with Ralph Lauren. If
 she finds out that I lied to her, she is going to hate me even more. Phoebe!!


Phoebe: Why would the copy guy say he was Ralph Lauren?
 Rachel: To get you to make out with him!!!
 Phoebe: Ohhh.
 [Scene: Ross's Apartment, Ross and Monica are there.]
 Monica: (Holding a shirt in front of Ross.) Okay, maybe this will make your teeth
 look less white. (Ross has a big smile.) Nope. Okay, colors that don't work are blue,
 yellow, green, red, black, white, orange, and purple.
 Ross: I don't know what I'm going to do. That date starts in like an
 hour.
 Monica: Hey Ross, maybe if your skin was lighter. Your teeth wouldn't look so
 bright.
 Ross: Oh great. So all I need to do is get some new skin. Thank you.
 Monica: I'm just saying, if we put just a little bit of makeup on you.
 Ross: Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. We're not 13 anymore.
 Monica: Ross this is the only thing left that has a shot at working.
 Ross: But, won't she notice I have makeup on?
 Monica: Please. Half the guys out there have makeup on.
 Ross: What??
 Monica: All right, half the people. I mean, just try it and see.
 Ross: No. I am not putting on makeup. (Knock at the door. Phoebe enters.)
 Phoebe: Hello. Oh good. Ross could you put up some of these flyers for me? (He
 smiles at her.) OH!! Demon!! Demon!!
 [Scene: Chandler's and Monica's apartment, Chandler and Monica are sitting at
 the kitchen table making potpourri sachets.]
 Monica: Now are drawers will smell nice and we didn't waste these pantyhose.
 Chandler: Yes, God forbid we throw out old underwear. You-you know what? I'm
 going to go over to Joey's.
 Monica: Wait, we're supposed to organize the wrapping paper drawer.
 Chandler: Yes, but I feel like I've really gotten in touch with my feminine
 side enough today. You know. In fact I think we're two sachets away from becoming a
 lesbian couple.
 Monica: You know what? This has been kind of a girlie day. You're right,
 I'm sorry.
 Chandler: Nah, Nah, it's okay. I feel like I need to be in guy place. You
 know, do kind of like a man thing.
 Monica: Yeah. Go over to Joey's. Go over to Joey's and drink some beer
 and hammer up some drywall.
 Chandler: You know when guys hang out they don't just drink some beer and
 hammer up drywall?
 Monica: When girls hang out, we don't have pillow fights in our underwear.
 (Chandler gets a hurt look on his face.) I'm sorry. We do. We do. I don't know
 why I said that.
 [Scene: Joey and Janine's apartment, Chandler walks in. Joey and Janine are
 knitting at the kitchen counter.]
 Joey: Hey Chandler. Come on in. We're knitting pot holders.
 Chandler: No thanks, Josephine.
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, Chandler enters. Ross is putting on makeup.]
 Chandler: Hey Ross, I was wondering if  Oh my God!! Where are
 all the men???
 [Scene: Elevator at the Ralph Lauren offices, Kim's waiting for it. The door opens
 and Rachel is inside.]
 Rachel: Ohh, hi, Kim.
 Kim: Hi Rachel.
 Rachel: Yeah, remember that thing I told you that happened yesterday? Well it
 didn't happen.
 Kim: You didn't cancel the fabric order from Taiwan?
 Rachel: Okay, two things didn't happen. Remember I told you that someone made
 out with Ralph Lauren in the copy room? Well, it turns out that's not true.
 Kim: That's not true?
 Rachel: No.
 Kim: Oh that's interesting? Because I checked and only one keycard was used to
 access the copy machine yesterday during lunch and that keycard belonged to you, Rachel.
 Rachel: Oh no, no, no. Oh God, you think I made out with him.
 Kim: Listen to me. If you think sleeping with Ralph is going to get you my job. You
 are sadly mistaken.
 Rachel: I-I don't want your job. I-I don't. Ohh this is such a mistake. I
 did not make out with him. Nobody made out with him. I did not use my keycard yesterday. I
 don't even know how to use my keycard. (The elevator stops. Ralph steps on.)
 Kim: Hi Ralph.
 Ralph Lauren:: Hi Kim. (Dead silence until Ralph gets off the elevator.)
 Kim: Yeah, nothing happen. You could cut the sexual tension in here with a knife.
 [Scene: Hillary's apartmen,. Hillary and Ross are having dinner. He is avoiding
 opening his mouth.]
 Hillary: And after that, what could I do except become a chef.
 Ross: Mmm-Hmm.
 Hillary: And someday soon, I hope to open my own restaurant.
 Ross: Mmm.
 Hillary: You know, you're a really great listener. Most guys I go out with,
 they just talk and talk.
 Ross: Mm-Hmm.
 Hillary: After a while it's like, shut your mouth, you know?
 Ross: (Chuckling) Hmm-Hmm.
 Hillary: I've probably been talking too much. Why don't we talk about you
 a little bit?
 Ross: Mmm-Unmm.
 Hillary: Come on. I want to know.
 Ross: Hmm-Hmm-Hmm. (Putting his hand up to block his mouth.) Okay. I, uh, am from
 Long Island. I-I came to the city for college. Um, I, um, have a 5 year old son and in my
 spare time I like to read spy novels. But, but, let's talk more about you. Hmm.
 [Scene: Joey and Janine's apartment, Joey and Monica are arranging flowers.
 Chandler walks in.]


Joey: So what's really neat. If you sear the stems of the flowers first in a
 frying pan, your arrangement will look fresh much longer.
 Monica: Oh my God, Joey, that is such a great tip.
 Chandler: Monica, could you excuse us for a second? I need to talk to the girl with
 the flowers.
 Monica: Okay. Oh but Joey, come over later because I'm going to teach you to
 make a bird feeder out of just a pine cone and some peanut butter.
 Joey: Ohh, I love birds. (Monica leaves. Chandler shuts the door.)
 Chandler: What is the matter with you ?!?
 Joey: What?
 Chandler: You're arranging flowers! (Pointing to the dish on the table.) You
 got dead flowers! You got a picture, a picture, of a baby dressed like flowers! This is
 not Joey!!
 Joey: Hey. Hey look I am still Joey, okay. Flowers they're just, you know,
 they're nice to look at. And that happens to be a picture by a famous artist. Of a
 famous baby.
 Chandler: You're turning into a women.
 Joey: No I'm not. Why would you say that? That's just mean.
 Chandler: Now I've upset you? What did I say?
 Joey: It's not what you said. It's the way you said it .Oh My God,
 I'm a women!!!
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are there.]
 Rachel: Now, she thinks that I made out with him and I did it to get her job.
 Phoebe: But why didn't you just tell her the truth.
 Rachel: I did but she doesn't think anyone would be stupid enough to confuse
 Kenny the copy guy with Ralph Lauren.
 Phoebe: Well, hey, what if Kenny were the real brains behind the whole company? You
 know. What if Kenny hired that Ralph Lauren guy to be the pretty front man? Huh, did she
 ever think of that?
 Rachel: You were with Kenny today, weren't you?
 Phoebe: Just for a second.
 Rachel: Ohh, Phoebe, what am I going to do?
 Phoebe: Well, the only thing you can do. Sleep with Ralph Lauren.
 Rachel: I'm not going to sleep with Ralph Lauren. I mean, I could, but I
 wouldn't.
 Phoebe: Ohh, sleep with Kenny.
 Rachel: That wouldn't help me.
 Phoebe: Ohh, yes it would.
 [Scene: Hillary's apartment, Hillary and Ross are finishing up their date.]
 Hillary: I've had a really good time tonight.
 Ross: Mmm.
 Hillary: You know, I rarely connect with someone this much on the first date.
 Ross: (Giggling) Hmm-Hmm-Hmm. (Picking up a piece of bread and covering his mouth.)
 Me, neither. I've had a really good time too, you know. (Putting the bread down.)
 Hillary: Are you going to eat that bread?
 Ross: (Putting the bread up to his nose.) Ohh, I just like the smell. (Sniffing
 it.) Mmmm.
 Hillary: (Laughing) You make me laugh.
 Ross: Hmm-Hmm.
 Hillary: Would you like to move over to the couch?
 Ross: Mmm-Hmm. (Picking up their wine glasses.)
 Hillary: Maybe I'll just turn the lights down a little.
 Ross: (Covering his mouth with the glass.) How about all the way.
 Hillary: Okay. (She goes to turn the lights off and Ross sits on the couch. She has
 some black light posters on the wall.)
 Ross: (Looking at the posters.) Wow, cool poster. Or should I say groovy poster?
 (They sit down on the couch. Ross smiles and the black light fluoresces his teeth.) So,
 ahh, where were we?
 Hillary: Are those your teeth??
 Ross: Ohh, you can see them, huh?
 Hillary: Yes. They're insanely white.
 Ross: I-I, did that for you.
 Hillary: What's a matter with you?
 Ross: What's a matter with me? You've got a black light. It's 1999!
 [Scene: Elevator at the Ralph Lauren Offices, Rachel gets in . Kim is there.]
 Rachel: Kim, hi.
 Kim: Hi Rachel. Ohh, I've been meaning to ask you. Have you seen the new Ralph
 Lauren sheets? Ohh, what am I thinking. Of course you have.
 Rachel: Okay..Okay.. Look. I'm sorry that I lied to you before. You were
 right. Ralph and I were an item but were not anymore.
 Kim: Oh, really?
 Rachel: (Faking crying.) Yeah, he dumped me. He said, 'Rachel, I can't do
 this. Even though you are a very, very, very beautiful women. I can't do this.
 I'm married and I'm sorry.' And then I don't know why but he said,
 'and you will never get promoted. Especially not above Kim, who is an integral cog in
 the Ralph Lauren machine.'
 Kim: You expect me to believe..(Doors open, Ralph steps in.) Hi Ralph.
 Ralph Lauren:: Hi Kim. (Dead silence again until he gets off.)
 Kim: Oh my God. He just gave you the coldest look I have ever seen. It's like
 he hates you. Then it is true.
 Rachel: Of course it's true and it hurts so bad.
 Kim: Ohh honey come here. (Hugging Rachel.) Ohh it will be ok. We've all been
 there.
 Rachel: You and Ralph?
 Kim: Kenny the copyboy.
 Ending Credits
 [Scene: Joey and Janine's apartment, Joey paces the floor waiting for Janine. She
 walks in.]
 Janine: Hey.


 The One Where Ross Got High
 The One Where Ross Got High
 Written by: Greg Malins
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is mixing some Thanksgiving treat (I'm
 assuming mashed potatoes) in a bowl.]
 Monica: (on phone) Okay, great! Bye. (Hangs up as Chandler enters.) So
 guess who's coming to Thanksgiving dinner?
 Chandler: Sydney Portier? Hehheh.
 [Chandler throws his coat on the couch]
 Monica: (not amused by Chandler's joke) I miss Rachel. (To Chandler) No, my
 parents.
 Chandler: Oh! That's great, they haven't seen the place since I moved
 in!
 [Monica goes to fiddle with something on the table.]
 Monica: Yeah, and y'know, if you could not mention to them that we live
 together, that would be great! (Quickly trying to change subjects), I was thinking we
 would eat around four.
 [Monica goes to the stove.]
 Chandler: (shocked at the news) Why can't I tell them that we live
 together?
 Monica: Because they don't know we're dating. (Again, trying to
 quickly change subjects.) Do you think we should eat in the kitchen? (Goes to the sink and
 the stove to cook.)
 Chandler: Why haven't you told them?!
 Monica: Um, well, I was going to, I-I-I really was. But um, then somewhere, just
 out of nowhere, I didn't.
 Chandler: Why haven't you told them?! Wouldn't they be happy?!
 Monica: (trying to change subjects, excitedly) So! Dinner in the kitchen around
 four! I'll see you then. (Pats Chandler on the shoulder and goes into the living
 room.)
 Chandler: Why wouldn't they be happy?
 Monica: Well, um, because mainly, um, they don't like you. I'm sorry.
 Chandler: What? What? Why?!
 Monica: Maybe because you used to be aloof, or that you're really
 sarcastic, or that, y'know, you joke around all the time. Or that you take off your
 clothes and throw them on the couch.
 Chandler: Is this why they don't like me or why you don't like me?
 Monica: Look, I know that I should've told them. I know I shouldn't
 care what they think. I'm sorry.
 Chandler: Y'know, it'll be okay. It'll be okay. Because when they
 come over, I will be all charming, I will make them fall in love with me, and then
 we'll tell  em.
 Monica: You really think that'll work?
 Chandler: Hey, I can be pretty charming, babe, I won YOU over, didn't I?
 Monica: (hugging Chandler) I don't think you'll ever get my parents
 that drunk!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Joey and Janine's, Joey and Ross are playing Sony Playstation.
 Chandler enters.]
 Chandler: Hey! (Sees Ross is there) Oh, good, Ross! You're parents like me,
 right?
 [Chandler goes to stand to the side of the TV.]
 Ross: (only half-paying attention) Yes, of course they like you!
 Chandler: Well Monica just told me that they don't.
 Ross: (not paying attention) Yeah, they don't like you.
 Chandler: (annoyed) Do you know why?
 Ross: I dunno, maybe it's because you're really sarcastic. Or maybe
 it's cause you uh-
 Chandler: (angry) Well if people don't know they shouldn't just guess!
 [Joey and Ross get annoyed with Chandler's outburst.]
 Chandler: This is great, another Thanksgiving with nothing to give thanks for.
 Joey: Maybe I could give thanks for you shuttin' up, eh?
 Chandler: Maybe I could give thanks by taking my Playstation over to my
 new apartment.
 Joey: Well maybe I love ya'.
 Chandler: [mocks that last comment].
 [Chandler starts to leave as Janine enters]
 Janine [to Chandler]: Hey.
 Chandler: Hey.
 [Chandler exits]
 Janine: Hey guys!
 [Joey and Ross drop their video game controllers.]
 Ross: (trying to act manly in front of Janine) No I don't want to
 play video games, Joey!
 Janine: Are you guys going to Chandler's for Thanksgiving?
 Joey: Yeah! Yeah, why? What's up?
 Janine: Well, me and my dancer friends are thinking of doing Thanksgiving
 uptown. I thought you guys might like to come.
 Ross: For real?
 Janine: No, but you should go to Chandler's. Because none of us knows how
 to cook, we'll probably just end up drinking all day.
 Joey: Ye-ye, we go to yours!
 Ross: Yeah, see, we-we-we have to stop across the hall, because it's my
 sister. But, uh, uh y'know actually, growing up with a sister was nice because it
 really helped me understand women. Yeah, you-you should tell your friends that.
 Janine: (not sure of what to make of that) Okay.
 [Janine leaves]
 [Ross looks at Joey coyly.]
 Joey: How you got three women to marry you, I'll never know.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe enters with a paper turkey.]
 Phoebe: Hey!
 All: Hey!
 Rachel: Hey! Hey, Pheebs, check it out. Yeah, for my desert, I have chosen to
 make a traditional English truffle!
 Phoebe: Wow, that sounds great! And what are you making Monica, in case
 Rachel's dessert is...[about to say 'bad'] so good that I eat all of it.
 There's none left for anybody else!
 [Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel laugh]


Monica: Nothing.
 Rachel: (worried) Nothing?
 Monica: No, sweetie, I-I trust you.
 Rachel: So, if-if I mess this up, there's nothing else for dessert?
 Monica: You're not gonna mess it up.
 Rachel: Wow, Monica, I love that, you really have faith in me. Thank you.
 Technical question, how do you know when uh, the butter's done?
 Monica: Well, it's done about two minutes before it looks like that.
 [Joey and Ross enter.]
 Joey and Ross: Hey!
 All: Hey!
 Joey: Oh, ooh the food smells great, Mon!
 Ross: And the place looks so nice!
 Joey: Yeah, hey hey, Happy Thanksgiving everybody!
 Ross: Happy Thanksgiving!
 The Girls: Happy Thanksgiving!
 Joey: Well, this has been great!
 Ross: See ya!
 [Joey and Ross go to the door, ready to leave.]
 Monica: Whoa whoa whoa! Where're you goin'?
 Ross: Oh, oh, we did say we'd stop by this little thing Joey's
 roommate is having.
 Monica: Oh, Janine, the really hot dancer girl?
 Ross: Some would say she's attractive, yes.
 Phoebe: And who else is going to be there?
 Joey: Uh, some of her friends, yeah.
 Rachel: Her dancer friends?
 Joey: (frustrated) Yes, all right? All of her hot dancer friends are gonna be
 there and they're gonna be, be drinkin' and dancin, and we really wanna go!
 Ross: (to Joey) Dude, we were good!
 Monica: You're not gonna go anywhere, you said you were gonna eat here, and
 you're gonna eat here!
 Phoebe: Yeah, and-and leaving us to go see hot dancer girls is not very
 Thanksgivingy.
 Ross: Oh, but-but it is, uh, it's just like the first Thanksgiving, when
 the Indians and the Pilgrims uh, sat down to dinner.
 Joey: Yeah, yeah, and the Indians taught the Pilgrims what it meant to be hot in
 the new world!
 [Enter Jack and Judy Geller]
 Mrs. Geller: Hello everybody!
 Mr. Geller: Hi!
 All: Hi!
 [Kisses and hugs are exchanged.]
 Monica: Dad [kisses Jack], Mom [kisses Judy]. Look! Look who it is it's
 Chandler!
 Mrs. Geller: (less than pleased) Oh yes of course, hello Chandler.
 Chandler: Mr. and Mrs. Geller, you look wonderful, it is great to have you hear,
 let us take off your coats!
 [Chandler goes to take off Jack's coat. He then notices little white flakes on
 Jack's shoulders. He begins to wipe them off.]
 Chandler: Whoa, snowing out there?
 Mr. Geller: (angry) No.
 [Time lapse. The gang is sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner. Chandler is at the head
 of the table, Mr and Mrs Geller are to his right. Joey and Ross are to his left. Monica is
 serving things. Phoebe is in the living room and Rachel is at the sink.]
 Mr. Geller: Monica, all this food looks wonderful, you should think about doing
 this for a living.
 [Chandler, trying to make nice with Jack, laughs at his joke and points at Jack.]
 Mr. Geller: Ok, I have dandruff. There's no need to laugh and point.
 [Monica rushes over to Chandler's side.]
 Monica: Dad, Chandler was just laughing at your joke.
 Mr. Geller: My joke wasn't funny.
 [Phoebe walks from the living room to the kitchen and talks quietly to Rachel.]
 Phoebe: Rach, Rach, I just remembered. I had a dream about Mr. Geller last
 night.
 Rachel: Really?!
 Phoebe: Yeah, I dreamt that he saved me from a burning building and he was so
 brave and so strong! And it's making me look at him totally differently. Y'know,
 I mean he used to be just, y'know 'Jack Geller Monica and Ross's dad'
 and now he's he's 'Jack Geller, dream hunk.'
 [We see a shot of Jack stuffing his face with food. Some dream hunk!]
 Rachel: I dunno. Y'know to me he'll always be 'Jack Geller, walks
 in while you're changing.'
 [Time lapse. Ross and Joey are cleaning the table while Judy and Phoebe talk by the
 window. Jack and Chandler are sitting on the couch while Monica sits on the coffee table.]
 Monica: Y'know dad, Chandler is one of Ross's very best friends!
 Chandler: Yeah, Ross sure is a great guy, y'know I've always felt that
 how a young man turns out is a reflection on his father.
 Mr. Geller: I always thought that too. Tell me, what does your father do?
 [Chandler and Monica exchange worried looks.]
 Chandler: (worried) He's the headliner of a gay burlesque show.
 [Rachel is in the kitchen fiddling with her English truffle. Joey and Ross, anxious to
 leave and go to Janine's party, are egging her on to hurry up.]
 Joey: Rach, you're killin' us here, will ya serve the dessert already?
 Those drunken dancers are waiting!
 Rachel: (looking at her truffle) Look at it, isn't it beautiful?
 Ross: Yeah, yeah, what is it?
 Rachel: It's a truffle. It's got all of these layers. First
 there's a layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of jam, then custard, which I made from
 scratch, [Joey and Ross make impressed faces] then raspberries, more ladyfingers, then
 beef sauteed with peas and onions, [Joey and Ross look like something's wrong.] then
 a little more custard, and then bananas, and then I just put some whipped cream on top!
 [Joey and Ross make confused faces.]


Ross: W-What was the one right before bananas?
 Rachel: The beef? Yeah, that was weird to me, too. But then, y'know, I
 thought 'well, there's mincemeat pie,' I mean that's an English
 dessert, these people just put very strange things in their food, y'know. [To Joey]
 Oh! by the way, can I borrow some Rum from your place?
 Joey: Y-sure!
 Rachel: (teasingly) And while I'm gone don't you boys sneak
 a taste.
 Joey and Ross: (faking dissapointment) Okay.
 [Rachel leaves]
 Ross: Beef in a dessert?! I- no no no, there is no way!
 [Ross goes to look in the magazine Rachel got her recipe from.]
 Joey: I know, and only one layer of jam?! What is up with that?
 [Ross looks up as if saying that Joey was weird. He begins flipping through the pages,
 only to find that they are sticky. So one page is overlapping another, making two recipes
 look like one.]
 Ross: Oh my God, the pages are stuck together!
 Joey: (turning to Chandler in a scolding tone) Chandler!
 Ross: Oh My God, she-she made half a English Trifle, and half a...Sheperd's
 Pie!
 Joey: (sad) Oh man! Now she's gonna start all over! We're never gonna
 get to introduce the hot girls to the new world!
 Ross: No, no, we will. We just won't tell her she messed up.
 Joey: Just let her serve the beef-custard thing?
 Ross: Yeah, it'll be like a funny Thanksgiving story!
 Joey: (shrugging his shoulders to go along with it) Vomiting stories are
 funny...
 [Rachel enters]
 Rachel: Joey, God, your apartment is like a hundred degrees!
 Joey: Did-did it make you wanna walk around in your underwear?
 Rachel: No!
 Joey: (frustrated) Still not hot enough!
 [Joey leaves]
 [Phoebe walks over to talk to Rachel.]
 Phoebe: Rachel?
 Rachel: Yeah?
 Phoebe: Okay, look at him. Look at those strong hands. Oh what I wouldn't
 give to be that can of (looks closer to see what Jack is drinking) condensed milk.
 [We see a shot of Jack drinking condensed milk on the couch.]
 [Ross and Judy enter the living room. Judy and Ross sit down on the couch beside Jack.
 Monica and Chandler are sitting on the coffee table.]
 Monica: Mom, uh, Chandler was just saying how beautiful your sweater is.
 Mrs. Geller: Oh, thank you Chandler! I just bought it.
 Chandler: Oh, yes. Well it's very beautiful. It's cream-colored and
 tight [Realizes what he just said and looks worried. Monica and Ross also looked shocked.
 Judy and Jack give Chandler a very dirty look.] I don't mean tight, I mean it's
 not too tight, not that I was looking at-[giving up all hope, he puts his head into his
 hands.]
 Mr. Geller: What's the matter with him?
 Mrs. Geller: (whispers to Jack a little loudly) I think he's stoned again.
 Chandler: (shocked) What?
 Monica: (shocked) What?
 Ross: (worried) Dude, I need to talk to you a sec.
 [Ross and Chandler get up and go into Rachel's old room.]
 [Scene: Rachel's old room. It's pretty much empty except for a few boxes
 against the walls. Ross and Chandler enter.]
 Ross: Okay, I think I might know why my parents don't like you.
 Chandler: You do? Why?
 Ross: Okay, remember, we were young. Hey, Spring break, sophomore year, I got
 high in my bedroom and my parents walked in and smelled it and so I told them that you had
 gotten stoned and jumped out the window.
 Chandler: What?! Why did you do that?
 Ross: I don't know, aheh, your's was the first name that-that popped
 into my head, I'm I'm sorry. I-I didn't think it would matter.
 Chandler: How could it not matter?!
 Ross: How was I supposed to know we'd end up being friends after college,
 let alone you-you would be living with my sister?
 Chandler: What about all that 'friends forever' stuff?
 Ross: I don't know, I-I was all high.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Rachel's Old Bedroom, Continued from earlier. Monica enters the room.]
 Monica: Mom and dad just sent me in here to find out if you (points to Chandler)
 were trying to get Ross stoned!
 Chandler: Your parents caught Ross smoking pot in college and he blamed it on
 me!
 Monica: Ross, I can't believe you'd do that!
 Chandler: The reason we haven't told them we're together is because
 they hate me, okay? So will you fix this?
 Ross: Okay, okay, I'll tell  em it wasn't Chandler who got high.
 Now who should I say it was?
 Monica: You! It's not like it's a big deal! You-you don't still
 do it or anything!
 Ross: Alright, alright, now-now who should I say tricked me into doing it?
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Time lapse. Jack is still on the couch, picking his
 teeth with his feet on the table. Phoebe and Judy are sitting on the table looking at him.
 Ross and Chandler are sitting by the window talking. Rachel and Joey are in the kitchen
 fooling with Rachel's trifle. Monica walks into the living room from the kitchen.]