Phoebe: (no accent) Uhm... Okay, well, allright, uhm... Originally I'm from
 upstate, but uhm... then my mom killed herself and my stepdad went to
 prison, so... I just moved to the city where uhm... I actually lived in a
 burned out Buick LeSabre for a while... (frowns are received) which was
 okay, that was okay, until uhm... I got hepatitis, you know, 'cause this
 pimp spit in my mouth and... but I... I got over it and uhm... anyway, now
 I'm uhm... a freelance massage therapist, uhm... which, you know, isn't
 always steady money but at least I don't pay taxes, huh... (everyone in the
 room finds it a bit surreal, which Phoebe realises and starts to talk in the
 accent again) So... where does everyone summer?
 COMMERCIAL BREAK
 [Scene: Mike's parents house again.]
 Phoebe: God! God! This is not going well.
 Mike: No, no, no, you're doing fine, really... Why don't you go talk to my
 dad?
 Phoebe: Okay, okay, okay, okay... Still sure about me being myself?
 Mike: Absolutely! Or maybe just a little less pimp spit.
 Phoebe: So Theodore... I uhm... I can see where Mike gets his good looks
 from...
 Theodore: Oh... Well...
 Phoebe: Yeah... And that physique! You must work out all the time...
 Theodore: Oh no, not all the time... I do the best I can...
 Phoebe: Yeah I bet! Look out! (Phoebe punches Theodore right in the stomach)
 Theodore: OH! OWWWWW! (Theodore grabs his stomach in agony)
 Phoebe: Oh my God, are you okay?
 Theodore: I recently had surgery.
 Phoebe: I'm so sorry!
 Theodore: No, I'll be fine... I just should check the stitches...
 Phoebe: I really, really am sorry.
 Theodore: How could you know. Why wouldn't you punch me in the stomach?
 (Theodore walks out... Mike walks towards Phoebe)
 Mike: Uhm... Did you just hit my dad?
 Phoebe: Yes... I'm sorry, I've never met a boyfriends parents before...
 Mike: But, I mean, you have met... humans before, right? Look, why don't you
 go talk to my mom?
 Phoebe: Yeah okay... yeah, your mom... okay... She looks nice, I can talk to
 her.
 Mike: Yeah, you do that, and I go check my dad for signs of internal
 bleeding. (Mike walks away and Bitsy walks in the same direction.)
 Phoebe: Yeah... Oh Bitsy, hi. Uhm... listen I just wanted to thank you again
 for having me here tonight.
 Bitsy: Well, not at all...
 Phoebe: Also uhm... I just want you to know what a wonderful man your son
 is.
 Bitsy: Thank you, I think so too.
 Phoebe: Well, and you know, it really is a testament to how he was raised.
 Especially to you. Because he's very respectful of women.
 Bitsy: Is he really?
 Phoebe: Are you kidding. He is so considerate of my feelings and... you know
 I think... you'd also like to know that he is a very gentle lover.
 Bitsy: E-e-excuse me?
 Phoebe: (Mike now enters and stands behind Phoebe) Oh no, no, no, no, no,
 no. Don't get me wrong. No, he's not in like a sissy way. No, no, no... when
 he gets going, he can rattle a headboard like a sailor on leave...
 Bitsy: That's... my boy. (Bitsy walks away)
 Mike: Awesome!
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Only Chandler is there with the
 videotape in his hands, standing in front of the TV set.]
 Chandler: I'm not gonna watch it... I don't NEED to watch it... I mean, what
 good could possibly come from watching? (sighs) Well, we know I'm gonna
 watch it. (Chandler moves to put the tape in the VCR and Joey enters the
 apartment)
 Joey: Hey dude, what's up?
 Chandler: Don't judge me, I'm only human!
 Joey: Did you take that tape?
 Chandler: I had to! Okay, imagine you were married... and you found a tape
 of your wife in another guys' apartment... Wouldn't you need to know what
 was on it?
 Joey: I don't know. Who'm I'm married to?
 Chandler: Some girl...!?
 Joey: She hot?
 Chandler: Yeah...!?
 Joey: How did she get me to settle down?
 Chandler: Allright, I'm gonna watch it... I mean look, it's probably not
 even what I think it is... And even if it is... It can't possibly be as bad
 as what I'm picturing in my head... (laughs nervously) Can it?
 Joey: Guess I don't know. My experience: if a girl says yes to being
 taped... She doesn't say no to much else, I tell ya...
 Chandler: Then you're gonna have to watch it for me.
 Joey: (backs off) What? Whoo... What?
 Chandler: Just for a few seconds, so I can know what it is... Please?
 Joey: All right, fine... But if I enjoy this, you have only yourself to
 blame... (Chandler turns his back to the TV. Joey puts the tape in the VCR,
 switches it on and watches what's on the tape... It's clearly a american
 football match, with the referee's whistle blowing, the crowds cheering...)


Chandler: Why am I hearing cheering?
 Joey: Well it's okay, its like... its just a football game.
 Chandler: Football? Just football?
 Joey: Yeah, see... you were all worried for nothing.
 Chandler: It's football... It's just football... This is great! This is the
 first time I've ever enjoyed football... It may be customary to get a
 beer... (Chandler walks to the fridge, his back turned to the TV and a
 moaning sound replaces the cheering of the crowd... Joey's eyes double in
 size...) What the... (Chandler turns around, but Joey already took a sprint
 for Chandler, jumps, and floors Chandler in the open space in front of the
 apartment door...) What are you doing?
 Joey: You don't wanna see what I just saw! (at this moment Monica comes
 home, and sees Chandler flat on his back on the floor and Joey pinning him
 down)
 Monica: What are you guys doing? (Monica hears the moaning coming from the
 TV and looks at it) Oh my God, is that Richard? (It only takes a split
 second for Joey to realise, he pulls Monica down by her jacket, and she
 falls, face down next to Chandler. Chandler gets up a bit, and Joey quickly
 covers Chandler's eyes with his hand.)
 [Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Emma is sitting in her chair on the
 apothecary table and Rachel is trying to make her laugh.]
 Rachel: Okay... aahhh... Please laugh for mommy... Please? Please laugh for
 mommy... (Rachel makes a funny face, sticking her tongue out, making a
 farting noise and using her hands as antlers, wiggling her fingers... No
 response from Emma...) Not funny huh? Oh so, is it... only offensive novelty
 rap? Or maybe just, you know, rap in general? 'Cause mommy can rap...
 (Rachel tries to rap and makes weird movements with her arms in the
 process.) My name is mommy and I'm here to say / that all the babies are...
 Oh, I can't rap... Allright sweetheart... This is only because I love you so
 much, and I know that you're not gonna tell anybody... (Rachel's face is
 telling 'Oh what am I doing? The things I have to go through... and she
 starts to rap) I like... big butts and I cannot lie... / You other brothers
 can't deny... / when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round
 thing in your face... (Emma starts to laugh) Yes! Yes! Yes! YES! Oohhhhh!
 Oh! (Rachel now really gets into it, and her insecure movements start
 getting better) I like big butts and I cannot lie... / You other brothers
 can't deny... Oh Emma you're laughing! Oh you are, you really do like big
 butts, don't you. Oh you beautiful little weirdo... (Rachel picks up Emma
 and Ross now enters)
 Ross: Hey!
 Rachel: Oh you missed it. She was laughing. Oh it was amazing. It was
 amazing. It was the most beautiful, beautiful sound that...
 Ross: Oh I know, isn't it? Ooh... what'd you do to get her to laugh?
 Rachel: Oh! You know, I just... couple of things I tried ... I just sang a
 little doo... Itsy Bitsy Spider...
 Ross: You sang Baby Got Back didn't you?
 Rachel: Nothing else worked. That girl is all about the ass...
 [Scene: Mike's parents house, the dining room. Mike, Phoebe, Mike's parents
 and the Angles are there.]
 Phoebe: ...and then it goes back to the chorus... Smelly cat, Sme-lly ca-t /
 I-t's not your fau-lt. And that's the end of the song... I realise that you
 didn't ask to hear it, but uhm... no-one had spoken in seventeen minutes.
 Mike: Phoebe writes lots of great songs. Wha... What was that one you sang
 the other night that everybody just loved?
 Phoebe: Oh, Pervert Parade?
 Mike: (sighs) No...
 Phoebe: Oh, Ode To A Pubic Hair?
 Mike: Stop! (The butler serves dinner)
 Phoebe: Oh God! Is that veal?
 Mike: Mom, I thought I told you... Phoebe's a vegetarian.
 Bitsy: Oh!
 Phoebe: Oh no, no, no, no... That's okay, that's okay... I mean, I'm... I am
 a vegetarian... except for veal... Yeah no, veal I love...
 Mike: Phoebe you don't have to eat...
 Phoebe: No, no, no, I actually it's any baby animals: kittens, fish
 babies... You know... especially veal... and this, this nice vein of fat
 running through it... (she cuts the meat, picks it up with her fork and
 holds it in front of her mouth, which she keeps closed, trying to overcome
 her vegetarian thoughts... and... puts it in her mouth... Clearly not
 enjoying the meat...) Hmmm... yummy (everybody seems okay with it, except
 Mike. He's making a hmmmm.... face... Then Phoebe swallows it) Hmmm... (at
 first she likes it, but then, in an instant puts her hand in front of her
 mouth and runs from the table. You hear a door slamming.)
 Mike: So...? What do you think? (looks at his parents, which look in
 disgust)
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's. Monica switches off the VCR. Joey and
 Chandler are behind the couch.]


 908 - The One WIth Rachel's Other Sister
 908-The
 One With Rachel's Other Sister ||
 Transcribed by: r3v3LaT1oN
 [Scene- They are in Monica's apartment and Chandler and Joey are watching TV.
 Monica is bringing out plates.]
 Monica: Hey Hon? Would you help me get the plates down?
 Chandler: Yeah. Hey! Here's an idea. Why don't we use our wedding china
 today?
 Monica: No, I think we should save our china for something really
 special...Like, if the Queen of England comes over.
 Chandler: Honey, she keeps cancelling on us...Take the hint!
 Monica: What if something gets broken? They're so expensive!
 Chandler: What is the point of having them, if we never use them?
 Monica: Ok..but if something gets broken, and then the Queen comes
 over...
 Chandler: I will explain it to her.
 Monica: Oh yeah! Like I'm going to let you talk to the Queen.
 Joey: Wow the parade is really good this year/Man those horses can crap!
 [Looks sideways at the TV in disgust]
 Narrator from TV: And next up is a marching band from Muskogee, Oklahoma.
 Chandler: Muskogee? That's like four hours from Tulsa! WOO HOO!
 Narrator from TV: And here's the float with the stars of popular daytime
 soap, Days of Our Lives.
 [Joey's eyes widen]
 Joey: Oh my god!!
 Chandler: Aren't you one of the stars of popular daytime soap Days of our
 Lives?
 Joey: Yeah!! I forgot I'm supposed to be there! I can't believe I forgot! I
 usually write stuff like this down on my arm!
 [Chandler grabs Joey's left arm and rolls up his sleeve]
 Joey: OH! Stupid long sleeves!
 Chandler: What are you going to do?
 Joey: (sighs) I guess I'm going to come up with a really good reason why I
 wasn't there! The producer is going to be so mad at me...He sat us all down
 yesterday and said everyone has to be there six AM sharp, that means you
 Tribbiani! (shrugs) Like I was some kind of idiot!
 Chandler: Well, you proved them wrong.
 Joey: Yeah...
 [Opening Credits]
 [Scene-Rachel and Ross are in Ross' apartment. Rachel is tending to the baby.
 Ross is packing a bag.]
 Rachel: Oh Emma...This is your first Thanksgiving...What are you thankful
 for? Mommy's boobies?
 Ross: Alot of people are thankful for those!
 [Somebody knocks on door]
 Voice outside: Hello? Rachel??
 Rachel: Who is it?
 Voice outside: It's your favourite sister!!
 [Ross and Rachel look at each other]
 Ross & Rachel (to each other): Jill?
 Voice outside: Amy!!
 Rachel: Hide my rings...
 [Ross nods and goes into the back rooms. Rachel goes to open the door.]
 Rachel: Hey Amy!! Happy Thanksgiving!
 Amy: Do you have a hair straightener?
 Rachel: Erm...Hi! (Opens arms wide in an embrace)
 Amy (Moves forward as if to hug Rachel then grabs her arms): Hi...Hair
 Straightener.
 Rachel: I haven't seen you in like a year!
 Amy: Oh I know, I know...I've just been crazed...
 Rachel: Oh...me too! Erm..I had a baby...
 Amy: I decorated Dad's office.
 Rachel: Oh..yeah? Well, unless you pushed a desk of your vagina, NOT the same
 thing.
 Amy: Listen erm, about the hair straightener, honey I really need one. I'm
 going to have dinner at my boyfriend's house...[stops as Emma makes a sound] Oh
 my god...Is this Emmet?
 Rachel: Er..It's Emma[emphasizing on Emma]
 Amy: It's a girl?
 Ross: Hey Amy.
 Rachel: Oh Amy, you remember Ross.
 Amy: Not really. But, you are much cuter than that geeky guy she used to
 date. [Ross and Rachel look at Amy in disbelief]
 Ross: That was me. [Rachel laughs in her throat]
 Amy: No...he was this creepy guy from High School who had this huge crush on
 her, since like the ninth grade.
 Ross: Still me.
 Amy (Giggles abit): No I'm not talking about you c'mon. It was your fat
 friend's brother with that BAD afro...
 Ross (Cutting in): Okay, Amy, I'm going to save you some time ok? All me!
 [Makes circling action with finger]
 [Scene-In Chandler and Monica's apartment. Joey is pacing back and forth.
 Chandler is helping Monica lay out the plates with her supervision.]
 Monica: Careful. Careful.. CAREFUL!
 Chandler: I'll tell you what. For the rest of our lives, I'll be careful,
 until told otherwise.
 [Silence from Monica]
 Chandler: Wait a minute. This isn't the china we picked out...
 Monica: I know! After you left the store I chose different ones.
 Chandler: Why?
 Monica: well, no offense honey, but your taste is a little feminine for
 me.
 Chandler: Oh suddenly flowers are feminine?
 Phoebe: Hey everybody! Happy thanksgiving!
 Monica, Chandler, Joey: Hey...Happy Thanksgiving!
 Joey: Phoebs! [Does a 'Come here!' Action]
 Phoebe: Hey what's going on, Joe?


Joey: Listen, I...i...i... need a good lie.
 Phoebe: Oh...ok..How about the whole man walking on the moon thing? Y'know?
 You can.. you can see the strings people!
 Joey: No..nonono...I need a good lie to explain why I wasn't at the work
 thing today.
 Phoebe: Oo. Honey, you stink at lying.
 Joey: Wha? I do not!
 Phoebe: Oh really? Let me ask you something. Yesterday at the coffeehouse, I
 went to the bathroom, and when I came back, my muffin was gone. Who took it?
 Joey: Somebody opened the door...to the coffeehouse, and a, Raccoon
 (emphasizes), came running in and went straight for your muffin I said 'Hey!
 Don't eat that! That's Phoebe's!' and he said...[pauses for a while...realizing
 how stupid it sounds] He said 'Joey, you stink at lying'. What am I going to
 do?
 Phoebe: Don't worry, don't worry. We'll come up with a good lie. I'll help
 you practice it.
 Joey: Oh that'd be great. That'd be great. Thank you.
 Phoebe: Sure. What was the work thing?
 [Joey thinks for a while and rolls up his right sleeve]
 Phoebe: Pick up grandma at the airport?
 Joey: Ohhh man! [Covers his eyes and bends down]
 [Scene- In Ross' and Rachel's apartment. Amy is using the hair straightener,
 Ross is drinking something and Rachel is putting the baby back in the
 cot.]
 Rachel: Oh she's precious...
 Amy: Do you ever worry she'll get your real nose?
 Rachel: Amy...Yes I do, I really do. [Reaches out toward Ross and he grabs
 her hand]
 [Handphone rings]
 Amy: Hello? Yeah! Hang on, one second. [covers mouthpiece with hand] Can I
 take this upstairs?
 Ross: Sure! We don't live there but...
 Amy: Seriously? It's just these rooms? I..thought you were a doctor.
 Rachel: Yeah, no Ross has a PhD.
 Amy: Ewwww!
 [Amy walks away toward the back rooms]
 Rachel: God! She is...unbelievable!
 Ross: I know! I mean a PhD is just as good as an MD.
 Rachel: Yeah, oh sure Ross yeah! If I have a heart attack at a restaurant, I
 want you there with your fossil brush!
 [Amy storms out]
 Amy: Stupid thanksgiving!
 Rachel: What? What? What happened?
 Amy: My boyfriend cancelled on me. I mean I, I finally find a real
 relationship someone that I can spend this day with, and then his WIFE comes
 back into town. I swear, it's, it's, not even worth dating married guys.
 Ross: Don't say that!
 Amy: I was so looking forward to this. It was going to be such a beautiful
 Thanksgiving. We were going to have sushi...[Amy on the verge of crying]
 Rachel: Oh Amy...don't cry. Erm. Ross? Could I talk to you in private?
 Ross: Sure you wanna go upstairs? Or...
 [Both of them walk into the kitchen]
 Rachel: Erm look. I was thinking, if it's ok with Monica, I would like to
 invite Amy, to Thanksgiving.
 Ross: You know I think that's a great idea. It'll be like the pilgrims being
 in the Indian's syphillis.
 Rachel: Look, I know she's a little tough to take...but she has no where else
 to go. And she's my sister. Alright? And she's Emma's aunt? And I'd like them to
 bond...
 Ross: Ok...fine. But I don't want them bonding too much. I don't want her
 telling Emma she needs a nose job.
 Rachel: Well! Ross, you know what? She may need one we're just going to have
 to make our peace with that.
 [Scene-Monica and Chandler's apartment. Ross, Rachel and Amy are coming
 in.]
 Rachel: Hi!!
 Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, Joey: Hey!
 Rachel: Hey you guys! This is my sister Amy...This is Chandler, Joey, Phoebe
 and you know Mon!
 Amy: Oh my god! You're on Days of Our Lives!
 Joey: Yeah!
 Amy: Wow! They must put alot of make-up on you.
 Joey(expression turns from happy to sad): Happ, Happy Thanksgiving. [He walks
 away as Chandler pats his back.]
 Ross(to Monica): Hey, hey.
 Monica: Hi. [They exchange pecks on the cheek]
 Monica(To Amy): So welcome! Is this the first time you're seeing Emma?
 Amy: Yeah, I thi, think so. (To Phobe who's standing behind Monica) It's nice
 to meet you Emma.(Sticks her hand out).
 Phoebe(SHakes her hand): Phoe-be! [Articulating]
 Amy: Ooo! That's a funny noise!
 [After a few moments of awkward silence, Monica leads Amy away.]
 Joey: Phoebs! I still need some help here.
 Phoebe: Oh! Right ok. Erm...ok..So it's not just the lie you tell, but it's
 the way you tell it for example, if you look down on the ground when you're
 talking, people know you're lying.
 Joey: Oh...(nodding)I don't know why this is so hard for me...y'know what I
 mean? Lying is basically just acting, and I am a terrific actor!(Smirks)
 Phoebe: You are a (looks down suddenly) terrific actor!
 Amy: Hey! Where's the baby?


Rachel: Oh we just put her down for a nap.
 Amy: Listen, I was just thinking. You know what would be incredible? If you
 guys died!
 Ross: Thank you Amy!
 Amy: No, no, then I would get the baby! I mean you know, it'd be just like a
 movie, like at first I wouldn't know what to do with her, then I would rise to
 the occasion, and then I get a make-over and then I get married?
 Phoebe(Clapping): That's a great movie! (Joey nods along)
 Amy: Now listen, not that you guys could stop me or anything, cos you know,
 you'd be dead. But, I was thinking about changing her name...I'm just not really
 a big fan of Emily.
 Ross: Emma.
 Amy(To Phoebe): Emma. Ross wants you.
 Phoebe: PHOE-BE!
 Amy(Whispering to Ross and Rachel): Why does she keep making that noise?
 [Monica and Chandler walk behind the couch and listens.]
 Rachel: Honey, I don't know how to tell you this but, erm...but if something
 were to happen to Ross or myself...[Both of them knock on the wooden
 table]Erm...You wouldn't get the baby.
 Amy: Well, who would?
 Ross: Well, we haven't officially asked them yet, but, we would want Monica
 and Chandler.
 Chandler: I can't believe you want us to raise Emma!
 Monica: Yeah, Oh my god..I'm so moved.
 Amy: I don't believe this. Hold on a second. You guys die...and I don't get
 your baby???
 Rachel: Amy, see, we're alot closer to Monica and Chandler. We see them
 everyday, and truthfully, honey, you don't seem very connected to the baby.
 Amy: Connected? I mean...To what? She's a lump!
 Chandler: You know guys, I gotta say this, this means so much to me. That
 you'd trust me, with your child...I mean, we all know that Monica and I have
 been trying to have a baby of our own, and I've had my doubts about my skills as
 a father, but...that you two....that you two...
 Amy: This guy? Seriously? (Points at Chandler)
 [Scene-Monica and Chandler's apartment, later on.]
 Monica: Ok...it's time for dinner! Erm...everyone, we're using our fancy
 china, and erm, it's very expensive...so pleaaase be careful.
 [Ross takes up a plate and fiddles with it.]
 Ross: Whoa.....whoa......[Laughs, then almost drops the plate but catches it.
 His expression turns serious.] Whoa!
 Monica: Ok er...just to be clear, comedy with the plates, will not be
 well-received. [Monica pinches Ross' arm. Ross flinches.]
 [They all settle down and begin to eat.]
 Joey: Hey!! How come my plate is less fancy than everyone elses? Do you not
 trust me with the fancy plate?
 Monica: No!!! Honey that's...that's a special plate! See, it's a game!
 Whoever gets that plate, wins!
 Joey(appearing very proud): I can't believe I won! (Phoebe smiles at him)
 Amy: Y'know, this is such a slap in the face. I mean, I'm your sister, and
 you'd give your baby to these....strangers over me.
 Rachel: Monica, is Ross' sister.
 Amy: No....Ross' sister was really fat.
 Monica: That was me.
 Amy: er...No. She was this really dorky girl in High School, who used to
 follow Rachel around like a puppy...
 Rachel: Amy!! You've GOT to stop doing that.
 [Amy picks up the fork and begins to violently cut her food. Grating sounds
 can be heard.]
 Monica: Ok...listen er...I know that you're having a little bit of a family
 crisis but you don't have to take it out on the plates! In fact I think, that,
 everyone, should erm...cut their food like this! (Proceeds to cut a turkey
 drumstick in mid-air over the plate) Now, see? This way you protect the plates,
 and let's face it. You have fun.
 Amy: Ok, how bout this. If you guys die, and the crazy plate lady dies...THEN
 do I get the baby.
 Chandler: No...if crazy plate lady...[catches himself in mid-sentence] If
 Monica dies...then...I would get Emma...right?
 Rachel: Well, actually....
 Chandler: Actually what?
 Ross: Er...it's just that in THAT case...then erm...Emma would go to my
 parents.
 Chandler: What??!
 Amy: Hurts doesn't it? (Chandler nods)
 Joey: Er... Who has to die for me to get her?
 [Scene-Half-way into the Thanksgiving meal.]
 Chandler: So, if Monica's not around, I'm not good enough to raise Emma?
 Ross: No, that's not what we are saying...
 Joey: Yeah! He's lying he looked down! (Phoebe nods in agreement)
 Chandler: What...what is wrong with me? Am I, am I incompetent? Because I
 managed to survive whatever it is that killed the three of you!
 Rachel: Honey, you're taking this the wrong way. We think you're going to be
 a wonderful parent! It's just that, you're more the...y'know, fun parent.
 Ross: Yeah! And we wanna make sure that Emma also has someone like Monica,
 who's more of a disciplinarian...someone who can be firm, and strict.


Monica: That's not how you see me is it?
 Phoebe: No, you're all about the fun. (Phoebe is cutting her food like Monica
 told everyone to)
 Chandler: Look, I may not know alot about babies, but you really think I'm
 not capable?
 Ross: No...you both are equally capable. It's just that you're strongest,
 when you're together.
 Chandler: Ok, so if we both had Emma, and I die [knocks fist on table] she'd
 have to give her up.
 Ross: Sure! Monica would have to give her up.
 Joey: I lie better than that right? (Phoebe gives Joey a 'of course!'
 look)
 Chandler: So...so let me get this straight. So my two friends die, I get
 Emma, then my wife dies, then Emma the one-tiny-ray-of-hope left in my life,
 gets taken away from me?
 Phoebe(Clapping): THERE'S your movie! (Joey nods in agreement)
 [Scene: Outside the apartment. Chandler is sitting on the steps. Monica
 opens the door]
 Monica: Hey...there you are. You disappeared after dinner.
 Chandler: Oh, did somebody miss me? Is there a child to raise poorly?
 Monica: Ross and Rachel don't know what they're talking about! I mean it's
 not like they're so responsible. Emma as a product of a bottle of Murlo and a
 five-year-old condom.
 Chandler: Y'know but they're right. I'm not a strong father-figure and I
 never will be.
 Monica: No....You learn these things. You grow into it.
 Chandler: Yeah, but it's not who I am. Everything they said is exactly why I
 was worried about having a kid. And it's true! And, look, everybody knows
 it.
 Monica: I don't know it! I want to have a kid with you because I think you're
 going to be an amazing dad. At the fun parts and at the hard parts.
 Chandler: Oh yeah, well, can you picture me saying, 'Go to your room! You're
 grounded!'
 Monica: Can you hear me say you're grounded?
 Chandler: You said that to me last week.
 Monica: How hard is it? No shoes on the furniture!
 [Scene-In Monica and Chandler's apartment. Amy is sitting away from Rachel.
 Joey and Phoebe are setting the table for dessert.]
 Joey: Argh. The producer from Days Of Our Life left me a message on the
 machine asking why I wasn't at the parade! They say everybody is very pissed off
 at me and they all got to meet Santa! [Whining]
 Phoebe: It's ok. I thought of the perfect lie for you. It's easy to remember
 and it doesn't invite alot of questions. You weren't at the parade, because you
 had a family emergency.
 Joey: Oh...I like that! Yeah! I wasn't at the parade because I had a family
 emergency.
 Phoebe: Ooo...What happened?
 Joey: Er...My sister's raccoon came.....
 Phoebe[cutting in]: No! Nothing with the raccoon!!
 [Monica and Chandler come in]
 Monica: Wha...wait what are you doing?
 Joey: Setting the table.
 Phoebe: I thought it might be nice to use the fancy china for dessert
 too.
 Monica: Oh..How nice! Maybe later we can all go blow our noses on my wedding
 dress
 Ross: Hey dude, you ok? Sorry bout before.
 Chandler: No, no that's ok. You're totally right I don't know anything about
 disciplining a child. But...you did hurt my feelings...so, I want you to know
 that if I die, you don't get Joey.
 [Amy walks to the couch and sits next to Rachel]
 [Makes a throaty sound twice. On the second time, Rachel looks annoyed.]
 Amy: In case you haven't noticed, I'm not talking to you.
 [Rachel makes a long throaty sound, imitating Amy's]
 Amy: You know, this is...this is classic Rachel.
 Rachel: Oh yeah...yeah, right. Remember in high school, when I died, and
 didn't give you my baby?
 Amy: This, might be my one chance to have a child, Rachel. I mean, you know
 that I have been so busy focussing on my career...
 Rachel [cutting in]: What? What career???
 Amy: Erm...I'm a decorator?? [sarcastic]
 Rachel: You decorate dad's office and now you're a decorator? Ok! I went to
 the Zoo yesterday...now I'm a koala bear!
 Amy: Why can't you ever be supportive?
 Rachel: Suppor...You wanna talk supportive? You didn't even come and visit me
 when I was in the hospital having the baby!
 Amy: Oh yeah? Well, you didn't come to see me in the hospital when I was
 getting my lips done!
 Rachel: I did the FIRST time!
 [Gets up from the couch and walks to the dining table]
 Rachel: And...and you know what? You wanna know why I'm not giving Emily to
 you?
 Ross: Emma.
 Rachel: OH! Whoose side are you on!/ I'm not giving you Emma because there is
 no way, you could handle the responsibility of a child.
 Amy: Well, how hard could it be? You do it.


Joey: Ooooooooohoohooo.......[realizes it is the wrong time and looks away,
 at his shoes.]
 Amy: Do I know why you don't want me to have the baby? Because you don't want
 me to be happy! You have ALWAYS been jealous of me.
 Rachel: Jealous of what? Of your lack of responsibility? Your...Your
 inmaturity? Your total disregard for other people's feelings?
 Amy: Er...To name a few!
 [Rachel looks exasperated]
 Amy: Y'know, you're just, you've always been like this. You just...you had to
 have everything and I couldn't have anything. Like in junior high, when you
 stole Timmy from me...I mean do you even realize how much that hurt me?
 Rachel: Timmy was my boyfriend! And you made out with him!!
 Amy: Oh come on, that was twenty years ago, get over it.
 Rachel: Oh god! I cannot believe...i cannot believe that i invited you here
 today!
 Amy: Yeah, y'know what I cannot believe? That my so-called sister, gets a
 thirty percent discount from Ralph Lauren and I still have to pay retail?
 Rachel: Hahah......Ahhahah...It's forty-five!
 Amy: You...bitch.
 [Rachel looks proud of herself]
 Amy: You just think you're so perfect. With your new baby, and your...your
 small apartment.
 [Ross on hearing this, throws a napkin angriliy on the table]
 Amy: Well, let me tell you something. Your baby? Isn't even that cute.
 [An audible intake of breath from everyone. Joey's eyes widen.]
 Ross: Too far Amy. Too far.
 Rachel: You take that back.
 Amy: No!
 Rachel: Take it back!
 Amy: NO! What are you going to do? Make me?
 Rachel: Hey...man! I work out!
 Amy: So do I!
 Rachel: I do karates.
 Amy: I do Yoga.
 Rachel: Bring it on!
 [Amy pushes Rachel]
 Monica: Put the plates back in the boxes! Put the plates back in the
 boxes!
 Rachel: Did you just push me?
 Amy: Uh yeah! I think I did.
 Rachel: Alright that's it!
 [Rachel pushes Amy back]
 Monica: Forget the bubble wrap! There isn't time!
 [Rachel and Amy begin slapping each others hands.]
 Rachel: Crazy crazy crazy crazy! [She says this while messing up Amy's
 hair]
 [They go back to slapping each others hands. Rachel grabs Amy's head under
 her armpit]
 Phoebe: Oh my god! Shouldn't we stop this?
 Joey: What are you? Out of your mind? Let's toss some Jell-O on them!
 [Amy spits on Rachel's hands]
 Rachel: Ew! Ew! Gross gross!
 [Rachel stops Amy by holding onto her forehead. Amy's hands swing randomly
 infront, unable to reach Rachel. They back up to the table and Rachel
 accidentally pushes one of the plates, smashing it. Monica on seeing this, grows
 weak in the knees. Ross supports her. Chandler puts a box of plates on a
 chair]
 Chandler: Alright! That is it! This is our apartment and you cannot behave
 this way. Now if you can't act your age, then you shouldn't be here at all. Now,
 those plates may not be as nice as the pretty pink ones I picked out...But
 they're very important to Monica...And I want you to apologize to her right now.
 Amy: I'm sorry.
 Rachel: Mon...I'm so sorry.
 Chandler: Ok...That's better. Now I want you to apologize to each other, and
 mean it.
 Amy & Rachel: Sorry.
 Chandler(Whispering): By the way, that fight was totally arousing.
 Ross: Dude, well done! You know what? If I die, and Rachel dies, and Monica
 dies, you can totally take care of Emma.
 Chandler: Oh yeah? Well, thanks!
 Ross: So, so, now do I get Joey?
 Chandler: Ok...but you should know, he eats five times a day and shoves
 pennies up his nose.
 [Ross looks thoughtful, and walks off. Monica is seen sweeping up the
 plate]
 Rachel: Are you ok Mon?
 Monica: Uh huh. These things happen. I mean it's just a plate, it's not like
 somebody died.
 Phoebe: It's alright...you can mourn.
 Monica (Through tears): Thank you! It was so beautiful!
 [Gets up and passes the dustpan to Rachel]
 Monica: I'm going to go to Joey's and get pies.
 Joey: Actually, not pies, it's just pie.
 Monica: I don't care. Oh my god, I've lost the will to scold.
 Rachel: Look, Amy...I got a little out-of-control over there. Erm...and I'm
 sorry. You're my sister and erm...if it really means that much to you...
 Amy: So you're going to give me the baby?
 Rachel: No, I was going to let you use my Ralph Lauren discount.
 Amy: You are not going to regret this!
 [They embrace. Emma cries]
 Rachel: She needs changing...
 Chandler: Oh no no! I'll get her. I'm super-confident, totally responsible
 and fourth in line to raise Emma./ I'll be right there Emma! Just let me get my
 trusty diaper bag here.
 [The diaper bag's strap hooks onto the chair where the plates are and falls,
 breaking all the plates. Chandler looks around.]


 909 - TOW Rachel's Phone Number
 F!R!I!E!N!D!S
 Series 9  Episode 9
 The One With Rachel's Phone Number
 Written by: Mark Kunerth
 Directed by: Ben Weiss
 Transcribed by: Andy Ellis
 [Scene: Chandler's Office, Tulsa]
 Assistant: This kitty is Mittens, this one is Fitzhugh, and this little guy
 in the cat condo is Jinkys.
 Chandler: Yeah. That's a lot of cats, Jolene. Single, are ya?
 [Phone rings  Chandler answers]
 Chandler: Chandler Bing.
 Joey: [On phone] Hey. How come you're answering your own phone? Where's your
 crazy assistant?
 [Chandler jumps up to turn the speaker phone off by lifting the receiver. The
 Assistant looks shocked, then storms off]
 Chandler: What's up, Joe?
 [Joey's apartment. Conversation switches between the two scenes when each
 person speaks]
 Joey: Okay. What have we wanted to always do together?
 Chandler: Braid each other's hair then ride horseback on the beach?
 Joey: No, no, no. When you get home tomorrow night, you and I are gonna be at
 the Wizards  Knicks game courtside!
 Chandler: Courtside? Oh my god!!
 Joey: Yeah, maybe Michael Jordan will dive for the ball and break my jaw with
 his knee!
 Chandler: That is so cool. I'll let Monica know.
 [Monica's apartment. Phone rings]
 Monica: Hello?
 [Chandler's office, Tulsa  Conversation switches between the two scenes when
 the people are talking]
 Chandler: Joey just called. He's got courtside Knicks tickets for me and him
 tomorrow night.
 Monica: Really? But tomorrow night's the only one I get off from the
 restaurant. If you go to the game then we won't have another night together for
 a week.
 Chandler: But-t it's courtside! The cheerleaders are gonna be right in ,
 [mouths last words so Monica does not hear them]. That's not the way to convince
 you.
 Monica: Look. I don't want to be one of those wives that says 'You can't go
 to the game', 'you have to spend time with me', so, if you just realize it on
 your own?
 Chandler: I, I, I know. You're right. I wanna see you too. I've just got to
 figure out a way to tell Joey. He's really looking forward to this.
 Monica: [On phone] Tell him you haven't seen your wife in a long time. [In
 apartment] Tell him that having a long-distance relationship is really
 difficult. Tell him that, what little time that we have is precious.
 Chandler: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll think of something.
 [Monica hangs up, looking exasperated]
 [Starting credits]
 [Scene: Ross + Rachel's apartment. Ross is tending to Emma. Rachel walks in
 from back. She comes over to tend to Emma]
 Ross: Wow! You look, er, hm, , I mean, it's just the, er, that, that dress! Er,
 Rachel: I hope the ends of these sentences are good!
 [Ross laughs]
 Ross: No, no, they're good. It's just been so long since I've seen you like
 this. You clean up good!
 [Ross stares at Rachel]
 Rachel: Ahh. [Looks down] Well, thank you! Ha-ha! [Ross continues to stare at
 Rachel] Okay  stop looking at me like that. The last time that happened
 [pointing towards Ross's crotch] that happened [pointing at Emma]
 Ross: Oh, right! [Looking away]
 [Awkward silence]
 Ross: So, are you. Ah! Are you excited about your, er, first night away from
 Emma?
 Rachel: Yeah! Phoebe and I are gonna have so much fun! Thank you for watching
 the baby, by the way.
 Ross: Oh, it's fine. Actually, I, I invited Mike over
 Rachel: Phoebe's Mike?
 Ross: Yeah.
 Rachel: I didn't know that you guys hung out.
 Ross: We don't. But, I thought that it would be nice to get to know him. You
 know? We have a little dinner, drinks, conversation.
 Rachel: Awww. That's so cute! Ross and Mike's first date! [Beat] Is that
 going to be awkward? What are you guys gonna talk about?
 Ross: Well, but, you know, we have a lot in common, you know, erm, he plays
 the piano, I played keyboards in college, or, he's been divorced, I
 have, some, experience in that area
 [Rachel nods her head in agreement. Door knocks]
 Rachel: Yeah?
 [Door opens, Phoebe and Mike enter]
 Phoebe: Hi!
 Ross, Rachel: Hi!
 Phoebe: Ooh. You're first night out, indeed!
 Rachel: Okay, So now I think Emma is properly down for the night but if you
 need anything Ross, [pointing finger into his chest]
 Ross: Rach, Rach, Rach: we'll be fine. You go have fun.
 Rachel: Okay. You too. And I hope you score.
 [Rachel picks up her bag and Phoebe and her start to leave]
 Rachel: Bye [to Mike]
 Mike: Bye [Shuts door]
 Ross: So, welcome!
 Mike: I've got beer
 Ross: I've got bottled breast milk.
 [Beat]
 Mike: Ahhh. Why don't we start with the beer?
 Ross: Okay
 [Mike puts beer (6-pack of Fosters) on the table and takes his coat off. Ross
 and mike sit on the sofa]


Ross: So, Phoebe tells me you, er, play the piano?
 Mike: Yeah?
 Ross: You, you know? I used to play the keyboards in college.
 Mike: Yah, do you have one here?
 [Ross swigs his beer]
 Ross: No
 Mike: Okay [nervous laugh]
 ['Clink' each other's bottle of Foster's together. Each take a swig]
 Mike: Ahhh.
 [Long, awkward silence]
 Ross: Erm, you know, I'm divorced. Er, Phoebe said you've been divorced.
 Mike: Yeah. [Beat] I'm sorry. I don't really like to talk about it.Ross:
 [Lost for words] Yeah, er,  that's okay. We'll talk about something else.
 [They take another swig of beer]
 Mike: So, you're a palaeontologist, right?
 Ross: Yeah.
 Mike: My cousin's a palaeontologist.
 Ross: Ah!
 [Silence]
 Ross: Well, he and I would probably have a lot to talk about.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica has a bottle of red wine on
 the table, along with two filled glasses. Chandler bursts through the door
 quickly, pulling his suitcase along with him]
 Monica: Hi! [Surprised]
 Chandler: Hey!
 Monica: Welcome home.
 Chandler: Oh, well, look at you!
 [Chandler closes and locks the door]
 Monica: What do you think?
 Chandler: Well, it's great, well, I'm just wearing the same thing underneath!
 Look at you.
 [Monica and Chandler hug and kiss. Loud bang outside]
 Joey: Ooh. Hey, how come you door's locked?
 Monica: Just a second.
 Chandler: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Joey can't know that I am
 here.
 Monica: Why not?
 Chandler: Because I didn't know how to tell him that I couldn't go to the
 Knicks game, so I just told him that I had to stay in Tulsa.
 Monica: So you lied to him?
 Chandler: Eh, it is always better to lie than to have the complicated
 discussion. [Monica glares at him] Except with you!
 [Rattling of the doorknob]
 Joey: Hey! Open the door! What's going on?
 [Knock. Monica opens the door slightly. Chandler sneaks behind it]
 Monica: Hi!
 Joey: Why are you dressed like that?
 Monica: [Nervous giggle] Because I, erm, well, Chandler's gonna be home in a
 couple of days, so I thought that I would just, er, practice the art of
 seduction.
 Joey: I thought I heard a man's voice before?
 Monica: I was just doing Chandler's side of the conversation, y'know like
 'Hi', 'How do I look' [In Chandler's voice] 'Really sexy', 'Could I be any more
 turned on?'
 [Chandler slaps Monica on the shoulder. Monica slaps him back. It hurts
 Chandler]
 Joey: Woah, woah, woah. Why are there two glasses of wine out?
 Monica: Because, one of them is for you! [Monica goes to get a glass.
 Chandler looks at Joey through the peep-hole and Chandler ducks. Monica comes
 back to the door with the two glasses of red wine. Gives one to Joey. 'Clinks'
 the glasses together] Okay, bye, bye!
 [Shuts door]
 Chandler: You know, it's funny. I've been practising the art of seduction as
 well! Hya! [Does a wiggle]
 Monica: You might wanna keep practising.
 Chandler: Yeah. [Chandler's phone goes off] It's Joey.
 Monica: What?
 [Chandler presses a button on the phone and puts the phone up to his ear to
 listen. Monica puts her ear by it too.]
 Chandler: Hey, Joe!
 [Joey's apartment. Scenes change when the different people speak]
 Joey: Dude, come home!
 Chandler: What? Why?
 Joey: Come home!
 Chandler: Look, I can't. What's going on?
 Joey: I don't know how to tell you this, but I think that Monica's cheating
 on ya! I told you that you shouldn't have married someone much hotter than you!
 [Chandler looks at Monica. They nod then put their ears back to the phone. Joey
 walks out of his apartment and up to Monica's door] Right, look. If you can't
 come home and deal with this, then I'm gonna,
 Chandler: [Loudly] No!
 Joey: I just heard him!
 Chandler: [Quiet] Can you hear him now?
 Joey: No. Right, I'm going in!
 Chandler: [Loudly] No! Wait!
 Joey: I heard him again!
 [Chandler starts to freak out on the spot]
 Chandler: Right. Just stay there. I'm coming home.
 Joey: Great. I'll see you when you get here. I'm gonna wait out in the hall
 in case the dude comes out.
 Chandler: Is that really necessary?
 Joey: Absolutely. You'd do it for me! Not that you'd ever have to, 'cos I
 know how to keep my women completely satisfied.
 [Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Both Ross and Mike are sat on the sofa,
 with Fosters in their hands. Mike is blowing across the top of his bottle]
 Ross: Shouldn't the pizza be here by now? They said 30 minutes or less. How
 long has it been?
 Mike: [Looks at watch] Eleven minutes. [Still looking at watch] And now
 twelve. [Picks up bottle] Do you like the beer?


Ross: I do. I do. Although it is actually a lager.
 Mike: Oh. What's the difference between a beer and a lager?
 Ross: I don't know. We can look it up.
 Mike: Things are about to get wild!
 [Scene: A bar. Phoebe and Rachel are carrying drinks]
 Phoebe: Oh, god. Do you remember the girls' nights that we used to have?
 Sitting around, talking about you and Ross?
 Rachel: Oh, god. It seems like forever ago.
 Phoebe: I know.
 [Both sit down]
 Phoebe: So what's going on with you and Ross?
 Rachel: Well, um, I don't know. I mean, for a long time, nothing. You know,
 actually, right before you picked me up, Ross and I had a little thing.
 Phoebe: Woah! Oh my god! I love things! What happened?
 Rachel: Well, um, first he told me that he liked how I looked, and then, erm,
 we had a little, erm, eye contact.
 Phoebe: Eye contact?
 Rachel: Uh huh.
 Phoebe: I hope you were using protection.
 [A waiter comes over with two drinks on his tray. He places them on the
 table]
 Waiter: Excuse me, um, these are from the two gentlemen at the end of the
 bar.
 [The waiter leaves. Phoebe and Rachel look to see who it is]
 Phoebe: Should we send them something back? Yes, let's do! Let's send them
 mashed potatoes!!
 Rachel: No, wait, don't do that! It's gonna make them think that they can
 come over here!
 Phoebe: So, what if they do?
 Rachel: We're not here to meet guys. You have a boyfriend. I have a, baby and
 a Ross.
 Phoebe: Yeah, but, um, nothing has to happen. Just having fun. You know, not
 everything has to go as far as 'eye contact'.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment]
 Monica: Chandler, you have to tell Joey that you are not in Tulsa.
 Chandler: Don't you think it's better for him to think that you're cheating
 on me than for him to think that I'm cheating on him? [Silence] I heard it!
 Monica: I don't want him to think that I'm having an affair.
 Chandler: Alright. I've got a plan. I'll go down the fire escape,
 Monica: Yes. Because all good plans start with 'I'll just go down the fire
 escape, '
 Chandler: Hear me out, woman! I'll go down the fire escape, then I'll wait
 for a while. Then, when I come back up the stairs, it'll just be like I got back
 from Tulsa. Then, Joey and I will come in here and see that there is no guy in
 here.
 Monica: Aren't you afraid that Joey's going to figure all this out? [Silence]
 I heard it!
 [Chandler goes to the window, opens it, looks out, then comes back in]
 Chandler: Just gonna wait for a little while.
 Monica: Scary pigeon's back?
 Chandler: It's huge!
 [Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. There is a nearly-empty pizza box on the
 table. Mike and Ross have swapped positions on the couch. Mike still has a
 bottle of Foster's in his hand. He is making funny noises. Ross looks bored.
 Mike stops making the noise, looks at Ross, looks back at the bottle and
 continues to make the noise. Ross looks exasperated]
 [Scene: Bar. Phoebe and Rachel are talking to the two men that sent the
 drinks over to them]
 Rachel: Oh my god! I can't believe you live in that building! My grandmother
 lives in that building, Ida Green? No sense of personal space? Kinda smells of
 chicken? Looks like a potato?!?
 Bill: Spuds is your grandmother?
 Rachel: Yeah! That's my muppy!
 Kevin: So, we're on our way to a couple of parties. Maybe we can get your
 numbers and give you a call when we find something fun.
 Phoebe: Yeah, I'm sorry. We weren't really looking for anything to happen
 with you guys. I-I have a boyfriend.
 Kevin: Alright. That's no big deal.
 [Kevin and Bill get up]
 Bill: So, she has a boyfriend. [To Rachel] What is your situation?
 Rachel: Oh, it's complicated. I don't actually have a boyfriend, but,
 erm,
 Bill: Can I have your number?
 Rachel: I'm sorry, no.
 Bill: Okay [They start to leave]
 Rachel: Oh, sure!
 [Reaches into her handbag]
 Phoebe: Oh my god! You're giving your real number!
 Bill: Okay, thanks. I'll give you a call later tonight.
 Rachel: Great. [Gives thumbs up]
 Bill: Bye [Leaves]
 Rachel, Phoebe: Bye
 Phoebe: Wow. So that's great. You, Bill, Ross and Emma are going to be so
 happy together. What were you thinking?
 Rachel: I don't know. He was cute and he liked me. It was an impulse.
 Phoebe: But what about Ross? What about your moment? Don't you want to talk
 to Ross about it?
 Rachel: No, no, 'cos I know exactly how the conversation is going to go. 'Hey
 Ross', 'You know, I think that we had a moment before' [As Ross] 'Yeah, um, me
 too' [As herself] 'Well, but I'm not sure I really wanna do anything about it!'
 [As Ross] 'Yeah, um, me, um, neither.' [As herself] 'Ross, should we just
 continue to live together and not really tell each other how we're really
 feeling?' [As Ross] 'Yeah, that works for me, um, um.'


Phoebe: Yeah, I see what you mean. By the way, nice Ross imitation. But your
 Rachel was not whiney enough.
 Rachel: Hey!
 Phoebe: Better!
 [Phoebe reaches for her drink]
 Rachel: The point is: maybe I should stop waiting around, waiting for moments
 with Ross. I should just move on with my life.
 Phoebe: So, really? Are you moving on from Ross?
 Rachel: Dunno, do I have to decide right now?
 Phoebe: You kinda just did. That guy's gonna call you tonight. Ross is going
 to pick up the phone. That's a pretty clear message.
 Rachel: Oh my god! Ross!! Ross is gonna pick up the phone! Ah, I have to get
 my number back! Oh my god! He's gone!
 Phoebe: [As Rachel] 'Ah, I have to get my number back!', 'Oh my god! He's
 gone!' Dead on!
 [Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross and Mile look bored out of their
 heads]
 Mike: Passst. I'm gonna take off.
 Ross: So soon?
 Mike: Yeah.
 Ross: Okay. Thanks, er, for the beer.
 Mike: You mean lager.
 Ross: Ah, yeah, good times.
 [Ross opens door. Mike steps out through door. Ross closes door]
 Mike: Ohh. [Relieved to be out of there]
 Ross: Ohh. [Relieved that Mike has gone]
 [Mike's mobile phone rings]
 Mike: Hello?
 [Bar. Phoebe is on the other end of the phone. Scenes switch with the
 conversation]
 Phoebe: Hey Mike, it's me. Listen: Is Ross near you?
 Mike: Uh no, I just left.
 Phoebe: Well, you have to go back in.
 Mike: What? Go back? To the land where time stands still?
 Phoebe: I'm so sorry, honey, but, okay. Rachel gave this guy her number, and,
 erm, she does not want Ross to answer the phone, so you have to intercept all of
 his calls.
 Mike: I can't do that.
 Phoebe: [To Rachel] He says that he can't do that
 Rachel: Oh, give me. [Rachel takes the phone of Phoebe] Hi, Mike! Hi, listen,
 I know this is a lot to ask, but you know what. If you do this, ah, Phoebe will
 do anything you want. Seriously, I'm talking dirty stuff.
 Phoebe: Alright, give it here. [Phoebe takes the phone] Hello? I'm sorry
 about her, but, she wasn't wrong about the dirty stuff.
 Mike: Alright, I'll do it. [Phoebe sticks her thumb up to Rachel] Really,
 though, how much dirtier can it get?
 Phoebe: Oh, oh, Mike! Bye. [Hangs up]
 [Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Knock at the door. Ross opens the door.
 Mike is there.]
 Mike: Hey, buddy!
 Ross: Hi!
 Mike: Can I come back in?
 Ross: W-Why? [Blocking route of entry]
 Mike: Well, [negotiating an entrance] I was just thinking of how muck more we
 have to talk about.
 Ross: [Exasperated] But, you left!
 [Scene: Hallway between Monica/Chandler's apartment and Joey's apartment.
 Joey is sat on a stool, holding a baseball bat. Chandler runs up the stairs]
 Joey: Wow, that didn't take long. I thought you said Tulsa was a three-hour
 flight?
 Chandler: Well,,  you're forgetting about the time difference.
 [Joey looks puzzled for a second, then smiles and points at Chandler.
 Chandler smiles and points back. Chandler opens the door to his apartment and
 enters. Joey follows.]
 Monica: Huh, Chandler  you're home!
 Chandler: That's right. Your husband's home, so now the sex can stop.
 [Monica looks stunned]
 Monica: What are you saying?
 Chandler: Joey said that you're in here with another man!
 Monica: There's no man in here! How dare you accuse me of that? [Slaps
 Chandler]
 Joey: Alright, alright. Then maybe you won't mind if me and my friend takes a
 look around then. Huh! Where you at?
 [Joey goes into Monica and Chandler's bedroom. Banging can be heard]
 Chandler: What's he doing?
 Monica: I arranged some pillows on the bed to make it look like a guy!
 [Both laugh. Joey enters]
 Joey: Bedroom's clear, although you might need some new pillows.
 Chandler: Alright, well, I'll check the guest bedroom.
 [Chandler heads off to guest bedroom. Joey walks up to Monica and starts
 sniffing loudly and heavily]
 Joey: Why do I smell men's cologne?
 [Monica smells Joey]
 Monica: I think that's you.
 [Joey smells himself]
 Joey: Oh yeah, I rubbed a magazine on myself earlier.
 [Chandler re-enters]
 Chandler: Nobody here, Joe.
 Joey: I guess not.
 Monica: I can't believe you thought I was cheating. You owe me an
 apology.
 Joey: You're right, Monica. I'm so sorry.
 Monica: It's an honest mistake. It can happen to anybody. Alright, see
 ya.
 [Monica pushes Joey towards the door. Joey sees Chandler's cases]
 Joey: Wait, wait, wait a minute. If you've just got back from Tulsa, how did
 your suitcase beat you here?
 [Chandler looks at Monica]


 Untitled Document

 The One With Christmas In Tulsa
 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Written by: Doty Abrams
   Directed by: Kevin S. Bright
   Transcribed by: Stephan Hoffmeister
   --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 [Scene: Monica & Chandler's Apartment, everyone's there. Phoebe recites
   the last verse of 'The Night Before Christmas', written in 1822
   by Clement Clarke Moore (1779-1863), to Joey.]
 Phoebe: ...sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle;
   and away they all flew like the down of a thistle;
   but I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
   'Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!'
 Joey: (impressed) Wow, that was great! You really wrote that?
 Phoebe: (smiling) Uh-huh.
 Chandler: (coming from the bedroom) Say goodbye elves, I'm off to Tulsa.
 Monica: I can't believe you're not gonna be here for Christmas.
 Ross: You're really not coming back?
 Chandler: Yeah, we have all this paperwork that needs to be filed by
   the end of the year. If I don't get it done, I'll be fired.
 Monica: It's so unfair, you don't even like your job!
 Chandler: So, who does?
 (The following responses are overlapping:)
 Phoebe: Oh, I like my job.
 Joey: I *love* my job.
 Rachel: Yeah, I can't *wait* to go back to work.
 Ross: I can't get *enough* dinosaurs!
 Chandler: I'm sorry I won't be here.
 Monica: It's just... It's hard enough not seeing you during the week,
   but for Christmas... alright, if this is what you have to do,
   I understand.
 Chandler: Thanks. (they kiss) I'll see you new year's day.
 Monica: (shocked) You're not gonna be here new year's eve??
 Chandler: Did I not mention that?
 Monica: No!
 Chandler: (thinks for a second, then waves his arms, exclaiming:)
   ...AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT! (and runs out of the apartment)
   --- Opening Credits ---
   [Scene: Chandler's Office in Tulsa, in the conference room. Chandler's
   staff/co-workers are sitting round the table; Chandler is walking
   around, when he notices a piece of paper attached to the back of
   his chair.]
 Chandler: All right everybody, I know that it's Christmas eve and you'd
   rather be with your familys, but there's *no* call (he takes
   it off) for writing 'Screw you, Mr. Bing!' on the back of my
   chair! (he looks at it) -- By the way, you can all call me
   Chandler.
 (Wendy enters the conference room, carrying a cardboard box.)
 Wendy: Hey!
 Others: Hey.
 Chandler: Hey. Where've you been?
 Wendy: I was, uh, checking out that insurance company's Christmas party
   on three, oh, it was really beautiful, they have all these
   decorations and this huge tree and I just, uh... to hell with
   them, we have to work. -- So I stole ther ham. (She turns the
   cardboard box upside down over the conference table, a big piece
   of ham falls out.)
 Chandler: (to the others) You hear that? You may not be with your familys,
   but at least it's gonna smell like ham in here.
 Claudia: My kid's in a play right now.
 Chandler: Y'know what, I know what will cheer you guys up! (he starts
   spreading envelopes among them) I had a little talk with the
   boys in New York, told 'em about all the hard work you've been
   doing and that a little Christmas bonus may be in order.
 Nick: (reading off his card) 'A donation has been made in your name to
   the New York City Ballet'.
 Chandler: Well, that's like money in your pocket! - Alright look, you want
   me to say it? This sucks. Being here sucks! This work sucks!
 Wendy: *Now* it feels like Christmas.
 Chandler: I'm sorry. Hey, at least you guys get to go home and be with
   your familys tonight. I have to go back to an empty hotel room
   and lay down on a very questionable bedspread. And then tomorrow
   morning, you get to have Christmas morning in your own houses,
   wich, by the way, none of you have invited me to.
 Nick: You can come to my house!
 Chandler: Haha, no thanks!
 Wendy: That was a nice pep-talk.
 Chandler: Oh, thanks! I'm... actually thinking about becoming a
   motivational speaker.
 Wendy: So, if you were home right now, what would you be doing?
 Chandler: Typical Christmas-y stuff, you know? Our holidays are pretty
   traditional...
 [Flashback to 410 - TOW The Girl From Poughkeepsie]
   [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing her holiday song.]
 Phoebe: So here is a, a very special holiday song that I wrote for some
   very important people to me.
 (singing) 'Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap.
   Asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap.
   Said all you need is to write them a song.
   Now, you haven't heard it yet, so don't try to sing along.
   No, don't sing along.
 Monica, Moncia, have a happy Hanukkah.
   Saw Santa Clause, he said hello to Ross.
   And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy!
   And Rachel and Chandler, have err-umm-glander!!'
 Happy holidays, everybody!
 [Flashback to 610 - TOW The Routine]
   [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment, Chandler is there. Phoebe and
   Rachel enter.]


Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, you look in the kitchen, I will look in the back
   closet.
 Chandler: I can save you time ladies, I'm right here.
 Phoebe: Yeah, Chandler why don't you take a walk? This doesn't concern
   you.
 Rachel: We are looking for our Christmas presents from Monica.
 Chandler: What? That's terrible!
 Phoebe: No-no, we do it every year!
 Chandler: Oh well, that, that makes it not terrible.
 Phoebe: No, yeah, we never find them! She's always best at us, that
   wily... minx.
 Rachel: Don't worry, we're just gonna search here for an hour, and
   then we're gonna go over to Joey's and search, OK?
 Chandler: No not okay, you can't look for Monica's presents!
 Phoebe: Oh no, we have to!
 Chandler: No, you don't have to, and you can't because I, I live here too.
 Phoebe: Well then, you should look with us.
 Chandler: Why?
 Rachel: Chandler, aren't you worried about what to get Monica for
   Christmas?
 Chandler: No, I have a great idea for a present for her.
 Phoebe: Oh, that's it? (Mimics Chandler) A great idea! Oh yeah.
 Rachel: Chandler, that's not enough. I mean what if she gets you a
   great present, two medium presents, and a bunch of little
   presents? And you've just gotten her one great present?
   I mean that's just gonna make her feel bad. Why would you
   do that to her Chandler? Why? Why?
 Chandler: If I help, we can find 'em faster!
 Rachel: That's right!
 (Phoebe looks under the couch)
 Phoebe: Ooh ooh, we have a live one!
 Rachel: Oh, it's a Macy's bag!
 (Phoebe tips it upside down, and a shoe falls out)
 Rachel: Oh.
 Phoebe: Ooh, who's it for?
 Rachel: (Reading from a tag that's attached to the shoe) 'Dear losers,
   do you really think I'd hide presents under the couch?
   P.S.: Chandler, I knew they'd break you.'
 [Flashback to 209 - TOW Phoebe's Dad]
   [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey and Chandler are giving out
   their Christmas presents out of a cardboard box from a case of
   motor oil.]
 Joey: Rach, these are for you.
 Rachel: Wiper blades. I don't even have a car.
 Joey: No, but with this new car smell, you'll think you do.
 Chandler: OK, Pheebs, your turn.
 Phoebe: Ahh, toilet seat covers! Is that what you were doing while I
   was getting gas?
 Joey: Uh-huh.
 Phoebe: You guuuyys.
 Joey: And for Ross, Mr. Sweet-tooth.
 Ross: You got me a cola drink?
 Chandler: And, a lemon lime.
 Ross: Well this, this is too much, I feel like I should get you
   another sweater.
 Chandler: And last but not least.
 (Chandler and Joey give Monica a pack of condoms.)
 Joey: They're ribbed for *your* pleasure.
 [Flashback to 710 - TOW The Holiday Armadillo]
   [Scene: Monica, Chandler and Phoebe's, Ross is costumed as an Armadillo.]
 Ross: Ooh, hey Ben, what if the Holiday Armadillo told you all about
   the Festival of Lights?
 Ben: Cool!
 Ross: Yeah!
 Monica: Come on Ben.
 (Monica and Ben sit down on the couch.)
 Ross: Years and years ago there were these people called the
   Maccabees...
 Chandler: (entering in a Santa costume) Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
 Ben: Santa! (Runs to Chandler and hugs him)
 Chandler: Hey! (Grunts as Ben hits him at full speed.)
 Ross: What are you doing here, Santa?
 Chandler: Well, I'm here to see my old buddy Ben. What are you doing
   here, weird...turtle-man?
 Ross: I'm the Holiday Armadillo, your part-Jewish friend. You sent
   me here to give Ben some presents. Remember?
 Chandler: What?
 Monica: Okay Ben, why don't you come open some more presents, and Santa,
   the Armadillo and I have a little talk in the kitchen? There's
   a sentence I'd never thought I'd say.
 (They walk to the kitchen; everyone is lowering their voices)
 Ross: (to Chandler) What are you doing?
 Chandler: You called everyone and said you were having trouble finding a
   Santa costume, so I borrowed one from a guy at work!
 Ross: Thank you, but, but you, you gotta leave.
 Chandler: Why?
 Ross: Because, I'm finally getting him excited about Hanukkah, and,
   and you're-you're wrecking it.
 Chandler: But I didn't get to shake my belly like a bowl full of jelly.
 Ross: I'm sorry Chandler, but this, this is really important to me.
 Chandler: Fine, I'll give the suit back.
 (Ross turns around and walks back to Ben.)
 Monica: (to Chandler) Hey, you think, you can keep it another night?
   (She has a really teasing look on her face and keeps twirling
   Chandler's beard.)


Chandler: Santa? Really?
 Monica: Yeah, is that okay?
 Chandler: Did your Dad ever dress up like Santa?
 Monica: No.
 Chandler: Then it's okaaay! (They kiss.)
 [Scene: Back in the conference room in Tulsa.]
 Chandler: You know what, everybody? Go home. You should be with your
   familys. It's bad enough that we're working new year's eve.
 (All others are looking up, surprised)
 Did I not tell *anyone* about new year's eve? -- Alright, look,
   go! Go home, okay? Merry Christmas! Go.
 (All are leaving, wishing each other a merry Christmas, peace
   on earth, etc. Only Wendy stays.)
 Chandler: Good, God's speed, good people! (he starts to close the door,
   turns around and sees Wendy) You're not gonna go?
 Wendy: Naah... I couldn't leave you alone.
 Chandler: Ah. Thanks.
 Wendy: Besides, I can't leave until their Christmas party downstairs
   clears out; there are some *pissed off* insurance people looking
   for that ham.
 Chandler: Ah. (The phone rings; he answers it) Chandler Bing.
 [Scene change back an forth: Mondler's Apartment, Monica's on the other
   end of the line. The phone's speaker is turned on, so the rest
   of the gang, sitting around the phone, can hear Chandler.]
 Monica: Hi Honey! We're all here; we just want to wish you a merry
   Christmas.
 Others: (simultaneously) Merry Christmas! (except for Phoebe...)
 Phoebe: (simultaneous to the others) Ble-blah-blar Blargh!
 (All the others look at her, stunned/incredulous)
 Chandler: Ahh, merry Christmas; I miss you guys!
 Monica: So is it horrible? Is everybody working really hard?
 Chandler: Ah, well no, it's just uh, me and Wendy.
 Monica: Wendy? -- That sounds like a girl's name.
 Chandler: It is. Did I... not tell you about her?
 Monica: Umhmm, umhmm, about the time you told me about new year's eve.
   Where is everybody else?
 Chandler: I send them home.
 Monica: Ohh, you are such a good boss! Is she pretty?
 Chandler: Uhh, uh...
 Ross: (in a low voice) Answer faster, answer faster!
 Chandler: I don't know!
 Ross: (in the same low voice) Answer better, answer better!
 Chandler: I don't think of her that way, you know, she's a, she's a
   colleague.
 Monica: What does she do there?
 Chandler: Oh, she's regional Vice President; She's... just below me.
 Monica: She did WHAT?
 Chandler: BE-LOW me!
 Joey: Ahh, wait, is Wendy the runner-up Miss Oklahoma?
 Monica: *What*??
 Chandler: Well, she... she didn't win...
 Monica: Alright, well, maybe I should let you and the second prettiest
   girl in Oklahoma get back to work.
 Chandler: Well, second prettiest that year; I mean, of *all* the girls in
   Oklahoma, she's probably...
 Rachel: (interrupting him) Oh Chandler, stop talking!
 Chandler: Honey, there's really nothing to worry about.
 Monica: Okay.
 Chandler: I'm serious!
 Monica: Okay!
 Chandler: Merry Christmas.
 Monica: Merry Christmas.
 Chandler: Merry Christmas, you guys!
 Others: (simultaneously) Yeah, Merry... Christmas. (again, Phoebe...)
 Phoebe: (simultaneous to the others) Blah blargah, blar-blab.
 (Again the others just look at her, silent, puzzled.)
 [Scene: back in the conference room in Tulsa]
 Chandler: (hanging up the phone) The wife says 'Hi!'.
 Wendy: Ah. Fun conversation?
 Chandler: Ah well, she's got this weird idea, that, uh, y'know, just
   because you and I are alone, that something is gonna happen.
 Wendy: Huh? Really? -- Hm, that'd be so terrible? (She gets hold of
   Chandler's tie, slowly moving her hands upwards on the tie,
   getting closer and closer to him, seductive.)
 Chandler: This is probably the wrong thing to be worrying about, but...
   you're getting ham on my only tie.
 (She's getting closer to him, the scene fades to black.)
 [Scene: The conference room in Tulsa again, Chandler is trying to evade
   Wendy]
 Chandler: Whoa-ho, back off, Missy! (He takes a step back, but she still
   keeps her grip on his tie.)
 Wendy: (laughs) ...Missy?
 Chandler: I don't know; I'm not used to girls making passes at me! ...
   (She lets go of his tie) Wait a minute... am I sexy in Oklahoma?
 Wendy: You are to me... (She gets closer again, putting her arms around
   his waist/chest.)
 Chandler: (flattered) No,... no... (realizing) NO! (He quickly gets several
   steps away from her.) Look, I'm, I'm married!
 Wendy: So? I'm married. (Showing him the ring on her finger.)
 Chandler: I'm *happily* married.
 Wendy: Oh. What's *that* like?
 Chandler: Right. So, I'm sorry...
 Wendy: Seriously? Happily married. So that phone call before, that was
   ... happy?
 Chandler: Well look, it's not easy to spend this much time apart, you know.
   She's entitled to be a little paranoid... or, in this case:
   right on money! ... You know, she's amazing, and beautiful, and
   smart, and if she were here right now, ...she'd kick your ass.
   Look, you're a really nice person... ham stealing and adultery
   aside. But, what I have with my wife is pretty great, so nothing
   is ever gonna happen between us.
 Wendy: Okay, let me ask you something: if what you and your wife have
   is so great, then why are you spending Christmas with me?
 (Chandler starts to think about it...)
 [Flashback to 716 - TOW The Truth About London]
   [Scene: London, Chandler's hotel room. He was getting ready for bed when
   Monica pays him a visit and they started talking]


Chandler: I mean, you were the most beautiful woman in the room tonight!
 Monica: Really?
 Chandler: You kidding? You're the most beautiful woman in most rooms...
   (She jumps up and kisses him.) (Breaking the kiss.)
   Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's going on? You and I just made out!
   You and I are making out?
 Monica: Well, not anymore.
 Chandler: But we don't do that.
 Monica: I know, I just thought it would be fun.
 Chandler: How drunk are you?
 Monica: Drunk enough that I know I wanna do this. Not so drunk that
   you should feel guilty about taking advantage.
 Chandler: (thinks) That's the perfect amount!
 Monica: Okay!
 (They run to the bed, sit down, and start making out again.)
 Monica: (breaking the kiss) Y'know what's weird?
 Chandler: What?
 Monica: This doesn't feel weird!
 Chandler: I know.
 Monica: You're a really good kisser.
 Chandler: Well, I have kissed over four women. (They kiss again.) Do you
   wanna get under the covers?
 Monica: Hm-hmm!
 Chandler: Okay!
 (They do so and they take off their clothes.)
 Monica: Wow! You are really fast!
 Chandler: It bodes well for me that speed impresses you.
 Monica: We're gonna see each other naked.
 Chandler: Yep!
 Monica: Do you wanna do it at the same time?
 Chandler: Count of three?
 Monica: One!
 Chandler: Two!
 Monica: Two!
 Both: Three! (They lift up the covers and check each other out, then
   come back up with silly grins on their faces.)
 Chandler: Well I think it's safe to say that our friendship is effectively
   ruined.
 Monica: Eh, we weren't that close anyway!
 Chandler: Eh! (They start making out again)
 [Flashback to 503 - TOW The Triplets]
   [Scene: A hallway in the hospital, Monica and Chandler are talking.]
 Chandler: So, are you really gonna go out with that nurse man?
 Monica: Well uh, you and I are just goofing around, I thought, why not
   just goof around with him.
 Chandler: Y'know, I don't know if you've ever looked up the term goofing
   around in the dictionary... Well, I have, and the technical
   definition is, two friends who care a lot about each other and
   have amazing sex and just wanna spend more time together. But
   if you have this new fangled dictionary that gets you made at
   me, then we have to, y'know, get you my original dictionary.
   I am *so* bad at this.
 Monica: I think you're better than you think you are.
 Chandler: Really? Okay, so...
 Monica: (interrupting) Know when to stop.
 Chandler: Y'know, I sensed that I should stop. So we're okay?
 Monica: Yeah. (They kiss and as she starts to leave, Chandler starts
   to dance. Without turning around:) Don't do the dance.
 Chandler: Right!
 [Flashback to 524 - TOI Vegas, Part II]
   [Scene: The Gift Shop, Monica and Chandler are entering.]
 Monica: I can't get married until I get something old, something new,
   something borrowed, and something blue.
 Chandler: Okay, all right, all right, all right! Okay! (Picks up a blue
   sweater.) Okay, here's something, here's something blue and new.
 Monica: You're so efficient. I love you!
 Chandler: Let's go! (Starts to leave.)
 Monica: No-no-no, wait! We need something old!
 Chandler: Oh, okay, I have condom in my wallet that I've had since I was
   twelve.
 Monica: That'll work!
 Chandler: I don't think so.
 Monica: Okay, now we just need something borrowed!
 Chandler: (looks around) Here just...take this. (Hands her the sweater.)
 Monica: That's stealing!
 Chandler: No, we'll-we'll bring it back! Just put it under your dress.
 (She does so and it makes her look pregnant.)
 Monica: Ohh. (Rubs her fake stomach.)
 Chandler: Okay, one thing at a time. (They run out to get married.)
 [Flashback to 702 - TOW Rachel's Book]
   [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is looking at the
   wedding book as Monica enters.]
 Monica: Listen umm, I've been thinking, it's not fair for me to ask
   you to spend all of your money on our wedding. I mean, you
   work, you work really hard for that.
 Chandler: Ehh.
 Monica: Eh, you work for that.
 Chandler: Look, I thought about it too, and I'm sorry. I think we should
   spend all of the money on the wedding.
 Monica: You do?!
 Chandler: Yeah, I'm putting my foot down. Yeah look, when I proposed I
   told you that I would do anything to make you happy, and if
   having the perfect wedding makes you happy, then, then that's
   what we're gonna do.
 Monica: Oh, you're so sweet. (They hug and kiss.) Oh, but wait, what
   about our, what about the future and stuff?


 Untitled Document
 The One Where Rachel Goes Back To Work
 Teleplay by: Peter Tibbals
   Story by: Judd Rubin
   Directed by: Gary Halvorson
 [Scene: Chandler and Monica's]
 Chandler: Hey!
 Monica: Good morning, Tiger! I'm making you a nice big breakfast so you
   can keep up your strength for tonight. You're gonna get me good and pregnant.
 Chandler: I've got nowhere to go this morning. I'm unemployed! I don't
   know what I'm gonna do with my life.
 Monica: Well, I just lost my erection.
 Chandler: I mean, what am I supposed to do with myself?
 Monica: You're supposed to find your passion in life. You can be whatever
   you wanna be now. It's exciting.
 Chandler: But it's all so overwhelming. I don't know where to start.

 Monica: Hey, wait a second. I can help you with this. You just need to
   be organized. We can make a list of your qualifications, and categorize jobs
   by industry. There could be folders and files!
 Chandler: Hey! This is where your hyper-organized-pain-in-the-ass stuff
   pays off!
 Monica: I know!!! My erection is back!
 Opening Titles
 [Scene: Central Perk]
 Joey: (To Gunther who comes over with coffee and a muffin) Thank you!
 Phoebe: Joey, can I have a sip of your coffee and a bite of your muffin?
 Joey: Okay.
 Phoebe Thank you. (Pours his coffee in a thermos and puts his muffin
   in her purse.) Thank you!
 Joey:: Pheebs, have you ever been bitten by a hungry Italian?
 Phoebe: I'm sorry, it's just, I'm a little short on cash.
 Joey: If you want I could loan you some money?
 Phoebe: Oh no, no, no. I learned never to borrow money from friends.
   No, that's why Richard Dreyfuss and I don't speak anymore.
 Joey: Oh, hey, how about this? Wanna be an extra on my show?
 Phoebe: You could do that?
 Joey: Yeah, yeah. The pay is pretty good and you could do it for as long
   as you need.
 Phoebe: Oh my god, I'm gonna be on TV!
 Joey: Okay, now. I gotta tell you, being on TV isn't as glamorous and
   exciting as you think.
 Phoebe: Oh, really?
 Joey: No it is awesome!
   (Rachel and Ross enter with Emma)
 Ross: Hi guys.
 All: (Adlib hellos)
 Phoebe: Wow! Hey, why are you all dressed up?
 Ross: Rachel and I are bringing Emma to Ralph Lauren today to introduce
   her to everyone. Doesn't she look cute?
 Joey: She sure does. Why does she have a pink bow taped to her head?
 Rachel: Well, because if one more person says 'what a cute little boy'
   I'm gonna whip them with a car antenna!
 Ross: I think she's gonna be the hit of the office, huh? She's gonna
   be hotter than peasant blouses and A-line skirts. Can I get a blue bow?
   [Scene: Chandler and Monica's]
 Monica: (Flipping through bunch of folders as Chandler enters from bathroom)
   Okay, I have looked through a bunch of career guides, photocopied and highlighted
   key passages and put them into alphabetical folders so you can make an informed
   decision.
 Chandler: How long was I in there?
 Monica: Okay. Let us start with the A's. Advertising.
 Chandler: Wait. Advertising! That's a great idea!
 Monica: Don't you want to look through the rest?
 Chandler: I don't think I have to hear the rest. Advertising makes perfect
   sense. Sorry you had to waste all this time, though.
 Monica: You call eight hours alone with my label maker wasted time? Ooh,
   now I get to use my shredder!
 Chandler: I mean, I can write slogans. I mean, how hard can it be, right?
   'Cheese. It's milk that you chew.' 'Crackers. Because your cheese needs a buddy.'
   'A grape. Because who can get a water melon in your mouth?'
 Monica: I got one. 'Socks. Because your family's feet deserve the best.'
 Chandler: Honey? Leave it to the pros.
 Monica: I actually know someone in advertising. I grew up with this guy
   who is a vice president at a big agency. Maybe I can get him to meet you? Give
   me the phone.
 Chandler: 'The phone. Bringing you closer to people...who have phones.'
 Monica: 'Marriage. It's not for everybody.'
   [Scene: Ralph Lauren]
 Rachel: That went well. Almost everybody knew that she was a girl.
 Ross: Yeah, after you punched that one guy who got it wrong, word spread.

 Rachel: I'm just gonna go in my office and pick up some stuff . (To the
   guy behind her desk) Who the hell are you!?
 Guy: Who the hell are you?


Rachel: I'm the hell person whose office this is!
 Ross: Good one, Rach.
 Guy: I'm Gavin Mitchell, the person who's taken over your job.
 Rachel: Excuse me?
 Gavin: Oh, your baby's so cute. Why did you put a pink bow on a boy?
   [Scene: DOOL set]
 Phoebe: Joey, look at me! I'm a nurse!
 Joey: Yes you are. I think it may be time for my sponge bath. Sorry,
   I'm just so used to hitting on the extras. So, are you excited about your scene?
 Phoebe: Yeah! But I'm a little shaky and nervous.
 Joey: Oh, relax. Don't be. You'll be fine, you'll be fine. They'll probably
   just make you stand in the back.
 Director: Okay, okay, okay! (To Phoebe) You. Here, come here, here. You're
   gonna take this tray, you're gonna stay on this yellow mark. You're gonna move
   on 'action!' You're gonna walk over to the operating table. You're gonna stop
   on that blue mark, you're gonna put the tray down. Don't walk too fast! But
   don't doddle.
 Phoebe: Okay, now. What?
 Director: And...Action!!
   (Phoebe starts walking toward the operating table. Her hands are shaking like
   crazy, causing the tray to rattle.)
 Director: Cut! Cut!
 Phoebe: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm just a little nervous.
 Director: Well, don't be.
 Phoebe: Okay, that helps.
 Director: And...Action!
   (Phoebe starts walking towards the table again. She's even more shaky than before
   and almost drops the tray.)
 Director: Cut!
 Joey: Hey, you know what? Don't worry, Pheebs! It usually takes me three
   takes too! (Off the director's look) Alright, eight.
 Director: And...Action!
   (Ok, here we go again. Phoebe starts walking toward the operating table, but
   stops every time the tray starts to rattle. She eventually drops it on the floor,
   but finishes the scene anyway by putting the now non-existent tray on the table.)
   [Scene: Central Perk]
 Interviewer: So, do you have any other question about advertising?
 Chandler: No, no. But let me show you what I can do. 'Bagels and donuts.
   Round food for every mood.'
 Interviewer: Monica warned me you might do that. I actually think we
   might have something for you at the agency.
 Chandler: Really? That's great!
 Interviewer: It's an unpaid internship.
 Chandler: It's funny. When you said 'unpaid' it sounded like you said
   'unpaid.'
 Interviewer: Come on now. Monica has a good job. And it's not like you
   have a family to support.
 Chandler: Actually, we're trying, and I don't think Monica's gonna wanna
   postpone it. We're supposed to have sex tonight. Actually, she's probably at
   home naked right now. I tend to keep talking until somebody stops me. I can
   just picture her on the bed right now.
 Interviewer: Stop!
 Interviewer: Okay.
   [Scene: Ralph Lauren]
 Rachel: Wait a minute! What do you mean, you're taking over my job?
 Gavin: Well, while you were on your baby vacation I was doing your job.
 Rachel: A vacation? My idea of a vacation does not involve something
   sucking on my nipples until they are raw.
 Gavin: Clearly you've never been to Sandles Paradise Island.
 Rachel: Alright! Don't get too comfortable there, because I'm back in
   two weeks! And I want everything back to the way it was. I can't say that I
   care too much for the way you've rearranged my office.
 Gavin: I can't say I care too much for that smell you've brought in with
   you.
 Rachel: Excuse me?
 Ross: Rach we have a code brown situation.
 Rachel: Can you please, please take care of it for me?
 Ross: Alright, but you have to do one sometime.
 Rachel: Let me just get this straight! So I go have a baby and they send
   some guy in to do my job?
 Gavin: Well, there was talk of shutting down Ralph Lauren all together.
 Rachel: That's right. You're very cheeky for a temp.
 Gavin: I'm not a temp. I was transferred here from another department.
 Rachel: Oh yeah, what department was that? The Jerk department?
 Gavin: Oh, they didn't tell me about your quick wit.
 Rachel: Did they mention that I'm rubber and you're glue?
 Mr. Zelner: (Enters) Gavin, Ralph loved your ideas.
 Rachel: Oh, hi Mr. Zelner.
 Mr. Zelner: Rachel, I see you've met Gavin. I must say, when you left
   us we weren't sure what we were gonna do. But then, Gavin to the rescue. Super
   Gavin!
 Rachel: That's great. So now, Super Gavin, when I come back where are
   you planning on flying off to?
 Gavin: Well, that's up to Mr. Zelner. I'm sure he will make the right
   decision.


Rachel: (To herself) Oh, wow. Super ass-kissing power.
 Mr. Zelner: Incidentally, when are you coming back?
 Rachel: Today.
 Gavin: You said two weeks.
 Rachel: No, I said today! See, for a superhero, not so much with the
   listening.
   [Scene: DOOL set]
 Joey: Hey.
 Phoebe: Hey. So, what did he say?
 Joey: Well, he can be a little rough around the edges, so I'm gonna replace
   a word he used a lot, with the word 'puppy.' Okay, so he said: 'If your puppy
   friend doesn't get her puppy act together, I'm gonna fire her mother-puppy ass.'
 Phoebe: I'm sorry, I can't do this. I'm not an actor.
 Joey: That's right, you're not. You're a nurse. You're Nurse With Tray.

 Phoebe: Joey.
 Joey: No, no. Nurse With Tray doesn't know Joey, she doesn't have time
   for friends. She gets in that operating room and she carries that tray to the
   doctor, because if she doesn't, people die!
 Phoebe: Who dies?
 Joey: (Points to man on operating table) Man With Eye Patch! You get
   in there and you do your job.
 Phoebe: Yes, doctor.
 Joey: Okay.
 Director: Okay, let's try this one more time.
 Phoebe: Hang in there, Man With Eye Patch, your tray is coming!
 Director: And...Action!
 Phoebe: (Does the scene) Yes, I did it!!! I nailed it!!! Yay! What's
   next?
 Director: The rest of the scene.
 Phoebe: Okay, from the top, people!
   [Scene: Ralph Lauren]
 Rachel: Listen. Sudden change of plans. My maternity leave just ended.
   They told me that if I didn't come back today, they were gonna fire me.
 Ross: What? No, that's illegal. I'm gonna have the labor department down
   her so fast they won't even...
 Rachel: Alright, alright. Calm down Norma Rae. They didn't actually say
   that. I'm just afraid if I don't come back right now this guy's gonna try to
   squeeze me out.
 Ross: What about Emma? We don't have a nanny.
 Rachel: I know. You know, we're just gonna have to figure out a plan
   tonight. Can you please just take care of her for today?
 Ross: Absolutely. Just give me your breast and we'll be on our way.
 Rachel: Come on, I don't know what else to do.
 Ross: Fine, fine. (To Emma) We'll have fun, won't we? Yes, we will, yes
   we will. (Gives her a kiss, and the pink bow tapes itself to his head.)
 Rachel: Ross?
 Ross: Huh?
 Rachel: You're pretty.
   [Scene: Chandler and Monica's]
 Chandler: Whatever I decide to do, I'm gonna be starting a career from
   scratch. It's gonna be a while before I make a living at it. Maybe now is not
   the right time to be starting a family.
 Ross: So you have to tell Monica you don't want to have a baby right
   now?
 Chandler: Yeah.
 Ross: (Hugs Chandler) Good-bye.
 Monica: (Enters) Okay, it's baby time. Pants off Bing. (Sees Ross) Didn't
   see you there Geller.
 Chandler: Yeah, Ross is here so...
 Ross: Yeah, and I was really hoping that I could hang out. What do you
   feel like doing?
 Monica: We're gonna have sex.
 Ross: I don't feel like having sex. Maybe we can watch a movie or something.
 Monica: Let me put it this way. We're having sex whether you're here
   or not.
 Ross: Pants off Bing!
   [Scene: Ralph Lauren]
 Rachel: Alright. Now that I'm back, why don't you just fill me in on
   what you've been up to?
 Gavin: Well, I've changed your screensaver from that picture of *Nsync.
 Rachel: Hey, they were popular when I left!
 Gavin: Also, I've just been working on this big presentation for tomorrow.
 Rachel: Well, I should be involved in that, so why don't you get me up
   to speed?
 Gavin: That's gonna take weeks. Why don't just let me take care of the
   presentation?
 Rachel: Oh, no no no no. I see what you're doing here, alright, listen,
   this is my job buddy. Okay, I've had it for five years, and I know how it works,
   so why don't you just catch me up!
 Gavin: Fine.
 Rachel: (Sits down in her chair) Oh god. You've totally messed with the
   back support of my chair. How do you fix this?
 Gavin: Hey, you've been here five years, you figure it out.
 Rachel: Fine, I will. (Pushes that button thing on the chair that makes
   it 'collapse') Alright, fill me in!
   [Scene: Chandler and Monica's]


Ross: Hey.
 Chandler: Hey.
 Ross: You have a blue tie that would go with this? Emma spit up on mine.
 Chandler: Oh, yeah. But you have to give it back if I get a job. Of course,
   by that time in the future ties will be obsolete and we'll all be wearing silver
   jump suits.
 Monica: (Enters from the bedroom) Hi, good morning lover. I gotta say
   after last night, I'm a little weak in the knees.
 Ross: Here's an idea. You walk into a room...take a quick scan!
 Monica: (To Ross) Sorry. (To Chandler) But I kind of have this feeling
   that we may have made a baby last night.
 Chandler: Oh god, I have to tell you something. You're not pregnant.

 Monica: What are you talking about?
 Chandler: That thing that I have to do to make a baby. I faked it.
 Monica: What!? You faked it?
 Ross: You know what? I don't need a tie. I mean, it's better, open collar.
   You know, it's more casual (He leaves.)
   [Scene: DOOL set]
 Phoebe: Joey, listen. I can't do this, it doesn't make any sense. Yesterday
   I was a nurse, and today I'm a waitress at a cafe?
 Joey: Oh, sometimes we use the same extras for different parts. It's
   okay.
 Phoebe: Well, it's not okay, because I gave a very memorable performance
   as the nurse. And now suddenly I'm the waitress? That's gonna confuse my fans.

 Joey: Maybe you are a nurse, but you moonlight as a waitress.
 Phoebe: Uhuh. Because I'm a single mother, supporting my two children.
 Joey: Nice.
 Phoebe: Wait a minute. Dr. Drake Ramoray and I work at the same hospital.
   Wouldn't I come over to say hi to him?
 Joey: No, no. See, you and Drake are having a fight.
 Phoebe: About what?
 Joey: He slept with you and then never called you.
 Phoebe: And I just wanted a new daddy for Davy and Becky.
 Director: Okay, okay, from the top. And...Action!
 Man: So, I'm surprised you agreed to have lunch with me.
 Joey/Drake: I'm surprised to, but yet here I am.
   (Phoebe walks by and slaps him.)
 Director: Cut, cut! What are you doing!?
 Phoebe: Yeah, well, I'm very angry at him, because he slept with me and
   never called me back.
 Extra: Me too!
 Another extra: Me too!
 Joey: Oh, calm down! She means on the show! We need some new extras around
   here!
   [Scene: Chandler and Monica's]
 Gavin: (Enters) Wow, you're here already.
 Rachel: Yes. Emma and I came in a little early to do research on the
   presentation. I actually made a few changes, but I think I'm caught up on everything.
   So ask me anything!
 Gavin: How do you fix the chair?
 Rachel: Except that! (Mr. Zelner enters) Oh, hello, Mr. Zelner. We're
   all ready for our presentation this afternoon.
 Mr. Zelner: Good, because it's in ten minutes.
 Rachel: What? I can't do that! I have the baby, and Ross is not gonna
   pick her up for another hour.
 Mr. Zelner: Well, then Gavin can give the presentation, okay, we have
   to do it now. Ralph needs to leave early today. He's going helicopter shopping.
 Rachel: Well, there you go. You win, you win. You get to do the presentation,
   you'll knock 'em dead, no one will ever remember that I worked here, and then
   Ralph will buy his helicopter, and Super Gavin will just fly right along side
   of him!
 Gavin: You can do the presentation.
 Rachel: No, I can't, I have a baby.
 Gavin: I'll watch her.
 Rachel: Why would you do that?
 Gavin: Because you've worked really hard, and it's your job, and you're
   a little crazy.
 Rachel: That's really nice.
 Gavin: I should tell you that crying women make me very uncomfortable.
 Rachel: Then you're not gonna like what's coming. (Starts crying) I'm
   sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Thank you, thank you.
 Gavin: I'm really fine, don't worry, I'm great with children. (To Emma)
   Gavin Mitchell. Pleased to meet you.
   [Scene: DOOL set]
 Joey: Please don't fire my friend. Just let me talk to her.
 Director: Okay, okay. But this is her last chance.
 Joey: Thank you, thank you. How about I do something for you? Tomorrow,
   I'll bring you a hat, cover up the bald?
 Joey: Hey, listen Pheebs. I was just talking to the director, and he
   was thinking, maybe this time you don't hit Drake, you just wait on the tables?


 Untitled Document
 The One With Phoebe's Rats
 Teleplay by: Brian Buckner and Sebastian Jones
   Directed by: Ben Weiss
   Transcribed by: Roni Raab
 [Scene: Coffee place, Joey is there, Chandler is entering]
 Chandler: Hey
 Joey: Hey. So where's Mon?
 Chandler: Oh, she's at home, putting up decorations for Rachel's birthday
   party tonight.
 Joey: And you're not helping?
 Chandler: I tried, but apparantly singing 'I will survive'
   in a helium voice - not helping.
 (Ross and Rachel enter with Emma in Rachel's hands)
 Ross: Hey you guys!
 Joey and Chandler: (start to sing) Hey! Happy birthday ...
 Rachel: Shhh don't say that loud, Gunther's gonna want to hug me.
 Ross: Uh, good news everyone, we finally found a nanny. This is Molly
   (points to Molly). Molly, Chandler, Joey.
 Joey and Chandler: Hi.
 Molly: Hi.
 (Emma starts to cry)
 Ross: Ooh, somebody's getting a little fussy.
 Joey: You damn right I am, I've been waiting for a cookie for 7 minutes.
 Rachel: Ok, you know what, I'm just gonna take her outside.
 Molly: No, you stay, I'll do it (takes Emma from Rachel).
 Rachel: OK, thank you.
 Molly: Nice to meet you guys (to Chandler and Joey).
 Joey: Yeah, you too.
 (Molly leaves)
 Rachel: Oh, wow, Molly is just great!
 Ross: Yeah.
 Chandler: Yes, Bravo on the hot nanny.
 Rachel: What? You really think she's hot?
 Chandler: Are you kidding? If I wasn't married she'd be rejecting me
   right now.
 Rachel: And Joey?
 Joey: How do you think she's doing?
 Rachel: Am I the only one who doesn't think that she's hot? Ross?
 Ross: Eh, I mean, I mena she's not unattractive but hot? I ....
 Rachel: Thank you! (goes to get coffee)
 Chandler: Now that Rachel's gone?
 Rachel: So hot I cried myself to sleep last night. (Joey and Chandler
   clap their hands)
 OPENING CREDITS
 [Scene: Mike and Phoebe in Phoebe's place, Phoebe is doing a crossword puzzle]
 Phoebe: Hey Mike, what's the capital of Peru?
 Mike: Lima.
 Phoebe: No. It starts with a 'v' and ends with an 'x'.
   Helpfully with a 'to' in the middle.
 Mike: You know, kinda think of it, the capital of Peru IS 'vtox'.
   (opens the kitchen cabinet) Oh god! Oh!
 Phoebe: What?
 Mike: OK, I don't want to freak you out or anything, but I think I just
   saw a rat in your cupboard.
 Phoebe: (relived) Oh, whew, no, that's Bob.
 Mike: What, is he your pet rat?
 Phoebe: Well not so much a pet as, you know, an occasional visitor who
   I put food out for, you know. Kinda like Santa. Except Santa doesn't poop on
   the plate of cookies.
 Mike: You can't keep a rat in your appartment! They're extremely unsanitary,
   and they transmit leptospirosis and hantavirus.
 Phoebe: What are those?
 Mike: I don't know but they don't sound like spa treatments. You have
   to get rid of it!
 Phoebe: OK, fine, if it means that much to you I'll get rid of Bob.
 Mike: Thank you.
 Phoebe: So weird, you think he's so gross and you're willing to eat
   his crackers. (Mike throws out everything in his mouth)
 [Scene: Rachel's office, Rachel comes in and Gavin is there]
 Rachel: Hello.
 Gavin: Hello
 Rachel: Gavin, I just wanted to say thank you again for watching Emma
   yesterday during the presentation. I really owe you an appology.
 Gavin: For what?
 Rachel: Well, when we first met, you know, I thought you were pompous
   and arrogant and obnoxious ...
 Gavin: Is this your first appology?
 Rachel: No, I just mean that, you know, first impressions don't mean
   anything. And I-I think you're a really good guy and I'm sorry that I misjudged
   you.
 (Heather walks in)
 Heather: Good morning!
 Rachel: Hello. (to Gavin) But you know what, hey, new day, new leaf,
   I am just really really happy ... (sees Gavin staring at Heather) I'm sorry,
   obviously Heather's ass has something more important to say so I'll just wait
   'till it's finished.
 Gavin: What?
 Rachel: I was giving you an appology and you were totally checking her
   out!
 Gavin: I wasn't checking her out. I'm in fashion, I was looking at her
   skirt. Or was it pants? I didn't really see what happened below the ass area.
 Rachel: Oh wow, you are really, you're really a creep.
 Gavin: Why do you even care if I was looking at her? Are you jealous?
 Rachel: Oh yeah, I'm jealous. 'Oh Gavin, please, please look at
   my ass'. (Gavin starts looking) Stop looking at my ass! I mean, I just
   think you are totally inappropriate, ok? This is a work environment, she's your
   subordinate.
 Gavin: I thought it was ok when you slept with your old assistant Tag.


Rachel: That is totally different for two reasons. One - I didn't know
   that you knew that. And two, I wasn't some creep staring at his ass, we had
   a deap meaningful relationship.
 Gavin: Huh. What's Tag's last name?
 Rachel: It was ... (can't remember) oh my god. He didn't have a last
   name. It was just 'Tag'. You know, like Cher, or, you know, Moses.
 Gavin: But it was a deap meaningful relationship.
 Rachel: Oh, you know what - my first impression of you was absolutely
   right. You are arrogant, you are pompous ... Morgan! Morgan! Tag's last name
   was Morgan! Huh!
 Gavin: It was Jones.
 Rachel: Yeah well what are you, his boyfriend?
 [Scene: Coffee place, Molly holding Emma and talking to Joey]
 Joey: Man, I wish I had a nanny like you.
 Molly: You mean, when you were a baby.
 Joey: Sure.
 (Chandler is staring at Molly)
 Monica: Would you stop staring at her?
 Chandler: I wasn't staring. I was leering.
 Monica: What's the big deal with her? Maybe she's attractive in an obvious
   kind of way.
 Ross: Yeah, obvious beauty's the worst. You know, when it's right there
   in your face. Me, I like to have to work to find someone attractive. Makes me
   feel like I earned it.
 Chandler: Looks like Joey is doing allright with her.
 Monica: Yeah. Hey, that was nice of you guys to back off and let Joey
   get the girl for once.
 Molly: (to Ross) I'm gonna take her back to the appartment.
 Ross: Ok, I'll be home right after work. Ok, by Emma-Wemma-Demma, I
   love you - wovyou dovyou ...
 Molly: Bye
 Monica: They've elected me to talk to you about the baby talk - it's
   not so good.
 Molly: I think it's sweet. (goes to leave)
 Ross, Joey and Chandler: Bye, Emma-Wemma-Demma.
 Rachel: (to Joey) Hey, listen, Joey, about Molly, I really prefer if
   you didn't go after her.
 Joey: Why not?
 Rachel: Because it took us months to find a good nanny and I wouldn't
   want anything to, you know, drive her away.
 Joey: So, what, you think I'm just gonna sleep with her and never call
   her again and things are gonna get uncomfortable? (thinks about it) Yeah, sounds
   about right.
 Ross: Come on, there are plenty of other women out thereok? Just - just
   forget about her, ok? Just, she's off limits.
 Joey: Oh, man, why did have to go and say that for? Now that you told
   me I can't have it makes me want her even more!
 Ross: What are you, a child?
 Joey: Yes!
 Ross: Joey, come on now, for me! Please, just-just try to focus your
   sexual energy on someone else.
 Joey: Fine. (looks around, then focuses on Monica)
 Monica: (to Chandler) Take me home! (they quickly leave)
 [Scene: Phoebe's place, Phoebe and Mike are there]
 Phoebe: Hey Mikey
 Mike: Hey P
 Phoebe: What are you doing?
 Mike: Setting rat traps.
 Phoebe: To kill Bob??
 Mike: No, no, to test his neck strength.
 Phoebe: No, Mike, I don't want to kill him! I thought we were just gonna
   capture him and, and you know, set him free in the country side where he can
   maybe meet a friendly possom and a wisecracking owl.
 Mike: Ok, ok, I'll throw away the traps.
 Phoebe: I'll find Bob, I'll get him. Bob? (starts looking) Bob! Robert!
   (looks at cabinet under sink) Oh wait, I think I hear him. Oh - Oh my god! Bob
   had babies! Bob's a mom!
 Mike: Better think of a new name for him.
 Phoebe: I don't know, I kinda like Bob for a girl.
 Mike: I don't know, I mean I'm not sure (they hear cracking voice from
   somewhere else in the kitchen, probably a rat caught in a trap) ...
 Phoebe: Oh my god, we killed Bob!
 Mike: Maybe it wasn't Bob, maybe it was a mouse.
 Phoebe: Suzie? (Runs over there to check)
 [Scene: Mon and Chan's, Ross enters]
 Ross: Whazzup??
 Chandler: Seriously dude, 3 years ago.
 Ross: Listen, can you do me a favor? I'm gonna be out today. Can you
   just keep an eye on Joey, make sure nothing happens between him and Molly?
 Chandler: You don't trust him?
 Ross: Wh - No. Some woman who sounded a lot like Joey called earlier
   and asked for her daughter, the 'hot nanny'.
 Chandler: Is this really your long term plan, for me to run interference?
   Because I could get a job any day now.


Ross: You do appear right on the cusp of something. Come on man, I'm
   sure he'll lose interest in a week or two, but for now can you please just do
   this for me?
 Chandler: Allright, fine, but don't blame me if it doesn't work. Because
   you know as well as I do that once Joey sets his mind on something, more often
   than not, he's going to have sex with it.
 Ross: Well we gotta do something, ok? Nannies like her don't grow on
   trees. (pause)
 Chandler: Picturing that tree?
 Ross: I am, yes.
 [Scene: Hallway, Joey get out of his appartment and Chandler jumps out of
   his]
 Chandler: Where you going, Joe?
 (Joey falls on floor and gets up)
 Joey: For a walk.
 Chandler: Oh. You mind if I join you?
 Joey: Actually, that will be long. You know, I really need to organize
   my thoughts.
 Chandler: Your thoughts? Plural?
 Joey: Allright, fine, I only have one thought! It's about the hot nanny,
   I gotta see her!
 Chandler: I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Joe.
 Joey: Now YOU'RE telling me I can't see her?? You guys are killing me!
   She's forbidden fruit! It's like ... like she's the princess and I'm the stable
   boy ... Why are you doing this, huh? Did Ross tell you not to let me go over
   there?
 Chandler: Yes, as a matter of fact he did, so I can't let you go.
 Joey: Huh. Interesting. Now there are obstacles. Hot nanny and me against
   the world. This is the kind of stuff great novels are made of.
 Chandler: Great novels?
 Joey: Fine ... mediocre porn
 [Scene: Rachel's office, Rachel and Gavin there, phone rings, Gavin picks
   it up]
 Gavin: Gavin Mitchelle's office.
 Rachel: Rachel Green's office!! Give me that phone! (takes the phone)
   Hello, this is Rachel Green, how can I help you? Uh huh ... ok then ... I'll
   pass you back to your son (gives phone to Gavin)
 Gavin: Hey Mom! No, that's just my secretary. (Rachel is upset)
 Rachel: Um, excuse me Gavin, I have a question I need to ask you.
 Gavin: Mom, I'll call you later. Yeah. (hangs up) (to Rachel) Yes?
 Rachel: If you like looking at butts so much why don't you just go look
   at a mirror?
 Gavin: Thank god you finally said that, I saw you make a note on your
   pad three hours ago. (Rachel throws away that paper) Man, I really bug you,
   don't I?
 Rachel: Oh, please, I don't care about you enough to bug me. In fact,
   from now on, I'm going take the high road. And I'm going be very very nice to
   you, you 'momma's boy', starting right now.
 (door knock, Monica enters)
 Monica: Hey Rach!
 Rachel: Hi!
 Monica: Ready for your birthday lunch?
 Rachel: Yeah I am, I am! Oh, but first of all, Monica, I would like
   to introduce you to my very talented colleage and more importantly my wonderful
   friend Gavin Mitchelle.
 Gavin: Pleased to meet you.
 Monica: Pleased to meet you. So you're coming to Rachel's party tonight?
 Rachel: Oh no no no no no, Gavin can't, he already has plans, most likely
   with his mother.
 Gavin: Well I don't mind, I'll cancel. I would never miss my secretary's
   birthday. (leaves)
 Rachel: Why did you invite him?? I can't stand that guy!
 Monica: You were just being so nice to him!
 Rachel: I was faking it! Can't you tell when I'm being fake?
 (A man walks by)
 Rachel: Hey, Mr Philips, nice suit!
 Monica: Right there! That was so fake!
 Rachel: Shh!
 [Scene: Rachel's birthday party]
 Rachel: (to Monica) I still can't believe you invited Gavin. Allright,
   he is the last person I want to see.
 Monica: Oh, you're welcome for the party. I'm glad you're having a good
   time.
 Rachel: God, I hope he doesn't show up. Of course he's not gonna show
   up, the guy hates me.
 Monica: Does he?
 Rachel: What?
 Monica: Maybe he's bothering you so much because he likes you. It's
   like in first grade when Skippy Langwild always pushed me on the playground
   because he secretly had a crush on me?
 Rachel: Oh, Monica, you think Skippy liked you? Honey, all those buys
   had a bet to see if he can knock you over.
 Molly: (with Emma in a basinet) She's out, I'm gonna take her home.