Ross: Come on sweetie! You've had to work late every night for the past two
 weeks, what is it this time?
 Mark: Actually, it's kinda my fault. I-I quit today.
 Ross: (to Rachel) But work comes first! (to Mark) Oh hey, but that's sad
 about you though, what happened? Burn out? Burn all out, did ya?
 Rachel: Nooo, he's leaving for a better job.
 Ross: Oh well that's great, so I guess this is ah, this is good bye then.
 Huh? (picks a pad up off Rachel's desk and tosses it into his box) Good bye.
 Mark: Okay, then.
 Ross: Okay.
 Rachel: Well we're gonna miss you around here.
 Mark: Yeah, me too.
 (Rachel goes to hug him but Ross is holding one of her hands and doesn't let go,
 so she can only put one arm around him.)
 Mark: So, see ya on Saturday.
 Rachel: Yeah, you bet.
 (Ross is shocked, but Rachel drags him out of the office.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are playing with a Ouija board,
 Phoebe's beeper goes off and Monica screams.]
 Phoebe: Oh. (takes her beeper puts in a pot, covers it, and puts the pot in the
 oven)
 Monica: Y'know those are a delicacy in India.
 Phoebe: Yeah, that was Leslie calling again to see if we can get back together.
 That's the twentieth time today! And good luck Leslie!
 Monica: Wow, she must have hurt you pretty bad, huh?
 Phoebe: Well, yeah. Y'know, we were best friends, ever since we were little, our
 Moms worked on the barge together.
 Monica: Oh, you two must have been so cute running around on a barge.
 Phoebe: You never run on a barge!
 Joey: (entering) Hey.
 Phoebe and Monica: Hey.
 Joey: Is ah, is Chandler around?
 Monica: No, umm, he met some girl at the coffee house.
 Joey: Oooh.
 Monica: Yeah, Ginger something.
 Joey: Nooo. No, no, ah, are you sure it wasn't something that sounded like
 Ginger, like ah, Gingeer?
 Monica: No, it was Ginger. I remember, because when he told me, I said,
 (singing)  the movie star.'
 Joey: Aww, man. That's the girl I was hiding from. When she finds out
 he's my roommate, she's gonna tell him what I did.
 Monica: Well, what did you do?
 Joey: What, oh, oh, oh, no, no, I can't, I can't tell you that,
 it's like the most awful, horrible thing I've ever done my whole life.
 Monica: Y'know what, don't tell us. We'll just wait until Chandler
 gets home, (to Phoebe) because it'll be more fun that way.
 Joey: All right!! Okay, it was like four years ago. Okay, Ginger and I had gone
 out a few times, and then this one weekend, we went up to her Dad's cabin. Just me,
 her, and her annoying little dog Pepper. Well that night, I cooked this really romantic
 dinner....
 Monica: You gave her food poisoning!?
 Joey: I wish. No. After dinner, me, her, and Pepper all fell asleep in front of
 the fire. Well I woke up in the middle of the night and I saw that the fire was dying out.
 So, I picked up a log and threw it on. Or, at least what I thought was a log.
 Phoebe: Oh my God!! You threw Pepper on the fire!
 Joey: I wish. See, I guess another thing I probably should've told you
 about Ginger is that she kinda has a ah, artificial leg.
 (Phoebe and Monica both stand up and gasp.)
 Monica: Oh my God! Joey, what did you do after you threw her leg on the fire?
 Joey: I ran!!
 [Scene: A street, Chandler is kissing Ginger.]
 Chandler: Well, that's the best kiss I've had with anyone I've
 ever met in a men's room.
 Ginger: Actually, me too.
 Chandler: (sees her foot is in a slush puddle) Op, foot in a puddle, foot all in
 a puddle.
 Ginger: Oh damn, I hate that.
 Chandler: Yeah, we're gonna have to get you out of those shoes.
 Ginger: Oh, don't worry about it.
 Chandler: No, really you're gonna freeze.
 Ginger: No, I'm not.
 Chandler: You're not, what do you, what do you got a bionic foot?
 Ginger: Some day, maybe.
 [Scene: Ross's bedroom, Rachel getting into bed while Ross is reading and laughs.]
 Rachel: Funny book?
 Ross: Hmmm. Oh, no, no, I just thinking about something funny I heard today.
 Umm, Mark, Mark saying  I'll see you Saturday.'
 Rachel: Yeah, at the lecture, I told you that last week, you said you
 didn't mind.
 Ross: Oh, no, no, no, it's-it's not the lecture ah, I mind, umm....
 Rachel: Oh, please tell me it's not because I'm going with Mark.
 Ross: Oh, well...
 Rachel: Oh my God!!! Ross!!
 Ross: Well, I'm sorry, but ah, look if you're not working with him
 anymore, why do you have to still do stuff with him?
 Rachel: Because, he's my friend.


Ross: Okay, but do you really need another friend? I mean...
 Rachel: Okay, well if I stop playing with Joey and Chandler, can I play with
 Mark?
 Ross: Is that funny? Am I supposed to be laughing?
 Rachel: I don't know, you thought  See you Saturday' was funny.
 Look honey, Mark is in fashion okay, I like having a friend that I can share this stuff
 with. You guys would never want to go to a lecture with me.
 Ross: Pa-haa!! I would love to go with you.
 Rachel: Really!?
 Ross: Yeah, hey I-I have clothes, I even pick them out. I mean for, for all you
 know I could be a fashion..... monger.
 Rachel: Okay. Honey, I would love for you to go with me. (Ross has a worried
 look on his face) What?
 Ross: What should I wear, now I'm all nervous.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is looking at her beeper still in the pot. She
 takes it out, shakes it, and puts it back in.]
 Monica: Y'know they say a watched pot never beeps.
 Phoebe: It's just y'know, been a couple of hours, and she hasn't
 called. Not that I even care, y'know.
 Monica: Phoebe why don't you just call her? You obviously want to.
 Phoebe: You think you know me so well.
 Monica: Well, don't  cha wanna?
 Phoebe: Yeah.
 Monica: Okay, well I do know you.
 Phoebe: That's what I said.
 Monica: Well so?
 Phoebe: I can't. I can't. She dumped me, I mean I totally trusted her
 and then one day it was  Okay, bye Pheebs' gone. Y'know what the saddest part
 is, when we were playing together, that was like the most fun I've ever had in like
 all my lives.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Leslie is singing.]
 Leslie: (singing) My best shoes, so good to me. I wear them everyday. Down at
 the heel, holes in the toes. Don't care what people say. My feet's best friends,
 pals to the end. With them I'm one hot chicky. Though late one night, not much light,
 I....
 (Phoebe runs in and joins her.)
 Phoebe: (singing) I stepped in something icky.
 Phoebe and Leslie: (singing) Sticky shoes, sticky shoes, always make me smile.
 Sticky shoes, sticky shoes, next time I'll.... avoid the..... pillleeeee.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: The lecture, Rachel is listening closely, Ross is bored out of his mind.]
 Lecturer: We're beginning to see a lot of layering of sheer fabrics and
 colours. For instance a sheer navy blouse over a pink....
 Ross: (to Rachel) I'm really glad we came. (Rachel smiles and rubs his arm)
 You're so pretty. I love you.
 Rachel: Oh. (puts her hand over his mouth)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is teaching Leslie how to sing Smelly Cat.]
 Phoebe: (singing) Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat,
 smelly cat, it's not your fault.
 Leslie: Wow, that's great.
 Phoebe: Oh, yeah!
 Leslie: Y'know you could totally sell this. It'd be perfect for like umm, a
 kitty litter campaign.
 Phoebe: I..., a jingle? No, no-no-no, no.
 Leslie: What? Why not? You could make a ton of money.
 Phoebe: Okay, well if I was in this for the money, I'd be a millionaire by
 now, y'know. You just got to get out of that jingle head sweetie.
 Leslie: Aw, you're right, you're right. I'm sorry.
 Phoebe: That's okay. All right, I'm gonna play song that's
 really, really sad. It's called Magician Box Mix Up. (she turns her guitar upside
 down to play it.)
 [Scene: The lecture, Ross is passed out against Rachel's shoulder.]
 Lecturer: ....oversized bracelets, oversized earrings, oversizing of accessories
 in general are very popular now.
 (Ross wakes up with a start and startles Rachel. The guy next to him starts laughing,
 which starts Ross laughing, Rachel gives him a look and he stops.)
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is reading the newspaper.]
 Monica: (entering) Hi!
 Chandler: Hey.
 Monica: Oh, can I borrow this? (points to his milk) My milk's gone bad.
 Chandler: Oh, I hate that. I once had a thing of half and half, stole my car.
 Monica: So umm, how was your date with Ginger?
 Chandler: Great. It was great. She's ah, she's great, great looking,
 great personality, she's greatness.
 Monica: Sounds like she's got the ah, whole package.
 Chandler: Joey told you about the leg, huh?
 Monica: Uh-huh.
 Chandler: Oh God, it freaked me out. Okay, I know it shouldn't have, but it
 did. I mean I like her, I don't want to stop seeing her, but every so often it's
 like  Hey, y'know what, where's your leg?' I mean I'm the smallest
 person in the world aren't I? I'm the smallest person in the world.
 Joey: (entering from his bedroom) Morning.
 Chandler: (to Monica) Actually he's the smallest person in the world.
 Joey: (to Chandler) Heard about the leg burnin' huh?
 Chandler: It came up.
 Joey: Listen, I ah, I know it's a longshot. But, by any chance did she find
 that funny?
 (Both Chandler and Monica walk away in disgust.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are getting back from the lecture.]


Ross: (entering) So I nodded off a little.
 Rachel: Nodded off!! Ross you were snoring. My father's boat didn't
 make that much noise when it hit rocks!
 Ross: Come on! Forty-five minutes! Forty-five minutes the man talked about
 strappy backed dresses.
 Rachel: Well okay, how about four hours in a freezing museum auditorium
 listening to Professor Pitstains and he's  Hey everybody! Remember that thing
 that's been dead for a gazillion years. Well there's this little bone we
 didn't know it had!'
 Ross: First of all it's Professor Pittain! And second of all, that little
 bone, proved that, that particular dinosaur had wings, but didn't fly.
 Rachel: Okay, see now, what I just heard: blah-blah-blah,
 blah-blah-blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah, blah.
 Ross: Y'know what, 100 million people went to see a movie about what I do, I
 wonder how many people would go see a movie called, Jurassic Parka.
 Rachel: Oh, that is so...
 Ross: No-no-no, a bunch of out of control jackets take over an island. (Makes an
 unusual sound, then he realises that he still has his jacket on and quickly tries to shake
 it off, thinking it's alive and attacking him.)
 Rachel: Y'know if what I do is so lame, then why did you insist on coming with
 me this morning? Huh? Was it so I just wouldn't go with Mark?
 Ross: No. I... I wanted to be with you. I don't know, I feel like lately, I
 feel like you're slipping away from me, y'know. With this new job, and all these new
 people, and you've got this whole other life going on. I-I-I know it's dumb, but
 I hate that I'm not a part of it.
 Rachel: It's not dumb. But, maybe it's okay that you're not a
 part of it. Y'know what I mean? (Ross looks confused) I mean it's like, I-I-I like
 that you're not involved in that part of my life.
 Ross: That's a little clearer.
 Rachel: Honey see, it doesn't mean that I don't love you. Because I
 do. I love you, I love you so much. But my work it's-it's for me y'know,
 I'm out there, on my own, and I'm doing it and it's scary but I love it,
 because it's mine. I, but, I mean is that okay?
 Ross: Sure, I-I-I... (hugs her and mouths No!!)
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Ginger are eating dinner.]
 Ginger: Your thinking about my leg aren't you?
 Chandler: No. No. Actually I forgot, what is the deal with that again?
 Ginger: It's okay if it bothers you. Really. I mean the only thing I need
 to know is:  How much it bothers you?' because I don't like wasting my
 time. Am I wasting my time?
 Chandler: No. No. I don't think so.
 Ginger: Okay. It's just like anything else, you just have to get used to
 it.
 (They start making out. She opens his shirt and feels inside and stops.)
 Ginger: What's that?
 Chandler: That's-that's my nubbin.
 Ginger: What's a nubbin?
 Chandler: It's kinda a ah, a third nipple kinda thing.
 Ginger: You have three nipples?
 Chandler: Well, y'know two regulars. And ah one that barely qualifies as...
 (starts to kiss her again, but she gets up.) Ahh, what?
 Ginger: Nothing. I, I just remembered I have to leave.
 Chandler: You ah, you have, you have to leave, now? How come?
 Ginger: Ah well, it's nubbin. Nothing! Umm. Y'know what, I'll see you
 later. Okay. (She leaves and in the hall we see her shake her shoulders like when someone
 runs their fingernails across a blackboard.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is getting ready to sing as Leslie enters.]
 Phoebe: (to Leslie) Oh, I thought you weren't coming. What? Where were you?
 Leslie: Come here, come here. (they go to the side of the stage) Okay,
 don't get mad, okay.
 Phoebe: Okay, don't give me a reason to get mad, okay
 Leslie: I played Smelly Cat for the people at my old ad agency, they went nuts.
 Phoebe: No, look, I told you that I didn't want you to try and sell it, and
 you just, you big fat did it anyway. God, y'know what, I think five years ago I probably
 would've done anything to play with you but, I can do it by myself. And if I
 can't trust you then just forget it.
 Leslie: No, no, I don't want to forget it.
 Phoebe: Okay y'know what you have to choose. All right, if-if the most important
 thing on the planet to you is this cat poopy thing then, okay you can have Smelly Cat, but
 we won't be partners. So what's it gonna be?
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Monica, and Joey are watching TV.]
 Commercial: (in the background their singing Smelly Cat) Problem odour in the
 litter box? Don't change your kitty, change your kitty litter.
 (Monica gets up and shuts off the TV.)
 Monica: Sorry, Pheebs.
 Joey: Yeah. You okay?
 Phoebe: Yeah. I actually am, yeah. Y'know life-life's gonna had you all
 kinds of stuff, y'know you learn your little lessons and hopefully you grow. Wanna hear a
 new song?


 The One Where Ross and Rachel Take A Break
 The One Where Ross and Rachel Take A Break
 Written by: Michael Borkow
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is taking a jar of olives out of the
 fridge.]
 Joey: (to Monica) Hey, how much will you give me to eat this whole jar of
 olives?
 Monica: I won't give you anything, but you'll owe me 2.95.
 Joey: Done.
 Phoebe: (entering) Hey. I need an atlas! I need an atlas!
 Monica: Why? (in a motherlike tone) Do you have a report due?
 Phoebe: I have a date with this diplomat I met while I was giving free massages
 outside the UN and, I don't know where his country is.
 Monica: Okay, let's start with the free messages outside the UN.
 Phoebe: Oh!! That's my new thing. I figure bodies at peace, make peace.
 Monica: Wow! You might just get the first Nobel prize in rubbing. So what
 country is this guy from?
 Phoebe: Ick-neck-tree-anis..... There's a  g' in there.
 Monica: Where's that?
 Phoebe: In your atlas!
 Monica: I don't have an atlas.
 Phoebe: Oh.
 Monica: Oh, but wait I do have a globe.
 Phoebe: Oh.
 Monica: Hold on.
 Joey: So Pheebs what's this guy like?
 Phoebe: Umm, well he's very dashing, y'know, and umm, very, very
 sophisticated, and he doesn't speak any English, but according to his translator, he
 totally gets me.
 Monica:  Kay, here you go. (Hands her this tiny little globe.)
 Phoebe: What is this?
 Monica: It's a globe and, a pencil sharpener.
 (Phoebe puts the globe right up next to her eye to try and find the country.)
 Chandler: (entering) Hey, does anybody need anything copied? I'm going down
 to the Xerox place.
 Monica: Oh, no thanks.
 Chandler: Okay listen, just give me anything I can make two of.
 Monica: Well, if you don't have anything to copy, why are you going down
 there?
 Joey: Yeah, are you just going down there to gawk at that hot girl with the
 belly button ring again?
 Chandler: Yeah! You wanna come?
 Joey: Yeah!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: The Xerox place, Chandler and Joey are waiting in line.]
 Chandler: Come on Chloe! Finish up with your customer first. Come on Chloe! Come
 on Chloe!!
 Issac: (to Chandler and Joey) Can I help you?
 Chandler: Uh-oh.
 Joey: Uh, y'know what, we're having second thoughts about our copying
 needs. And we'll need a little more time to think about it.
 Issac: Chloe, switch with me, there's some guys here that got a crush on
 you.
 Chandler: (to Joey) Okay, that hurt us.
 Chloe: Hi guys. I haven't seen you since this morning.
 Chandler: Well ah, ........y'know.
 Chloe: Hey, what are you guys doing tomorrow night?
 Joey: Both of us? (points to Chandler and himself)
 Chloe: Maybe. Does that scare ya?
 (They both start laughing. They look at each other, stop and step apart a little bit.)
 Chloe: Relax. It's just Issac's D.J.-ing at the Philly. You should
 come.
 Joey: We'll be there.
 Chloe: Great. I'll ah, see ya then.
 Chandler: All right, rock on. (Does the  Hang 10' sign, then hides his
 face in shame.)
 [Scene: A Street, Phoebe is walking along with the diplomat (Sergei) and his translator
 (Mischa).]
 Sergei: (something in Russian or Polish)
 Mischa: He's says,  Walking with you makes this strange city, feel
 like home.'
 Phoebe: Me too. Although this city is my home, so. So that's dumb what I
 said, don't tell him I said that. Umm, you make something up. (Mischa does so and
 Sergei kisses her hand.) Nice, (to Mischa) thank you. This is me. Here.
 (Sergei goes up to her at her door and says something.)
 Mischa: (leaning in) Your eyes are very pretty.
 Phoebe: (to Mischa) Thank you, very much! Oh! (to Sergei) Thank you!
 (Sergei says something and leans in to kiss her, but just as he's about to....)
 Mischa: (leaning in) He would like to kiss you.
 Phoebe: (to Mischa) Okay, y'know what, you don't have to do that now.
 (Mischa translates that to Sergei) No-no-no-no!! Not him, you don't! (Mischa tells
 Sergei he can proceed and steps away) Well the moment's over.
 (Sergei says something and kisses her.)
 Phoebe: Oh.
 Mischa: Oy!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is showing Monica where Sergei's country is.]
 Phoebe: (pointing to the globe) See there it is right there.
 Monica: Wow! It's small.
 Phoebe: Yeah. But Sergei said it took the Germans six weeks to get all the way
 across it.
 Monica: So you had fun, huh?
 Phoebe: Yeah. Except for, y'know when you're on a date and you're
 getting along really great but the guy's translator keeps getting in the way.
 Monica: No.
 Ross: (entering) Hey.
 Phoebe and Monica: Hey.
 Ross: What is ah, Rach in her room?
 Monica: Oh no, she's still at work, but she told me to tell you to call
 her.


Ross: Oh what?! Is she gonna cancel on me again?! How can she do this?
 Doesn't she know it's our anniversary?
 Monica: All right ah, Ross, this is the extent of my knowledge on the subject.
 (holds up a notepad) Call Rachel.
 Ross: What's that on the bottom?
 Monica: Oh that's my doodle of a ladybug, with a top hat. (to Phoebe)
 She's fancy.
 (Ross calls Rachel)
 Rachel: (answering her phone at work) Hello.
 Ross: Hey, honey.
 Rachel: Oh, hi.
 Ross: Hey, what's going on?
 Rachel: Well, there was a disaster in shipping and I've got to get this
 order in. Honey, I'm so sorry, but it looks like I'm gonna be here all night.
 Ross: What, do you, well umm, oh how about I come up there?
 Rachel: No-no-no, no, honey please, I've got, I've just have so much
 to deal with.
 [Cut to kitchen.]
 Phoebe: (to Monica) Anyway, I'm going out with Sergei again tonight, and
 um, could you come and be the translator's date? So that when we, it's time for
 our alone time, you two could split off. Y'know, he's really, he's kinda cute.
 Monica: Yeah, well kinda cute, like really kinda cute, or kinda cute like your
 friend Spackel Back Larry?
 Phoebe: Hey, don't call him that! His name is Spackel Back Harry!
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are sitting on the big couch.]
 Chandler: Hey, y'know what, maybe we should get going. I mean what time did
 Chloe say we should be there?
 Joey: Uh, 10:30.
 Chandler: What time is it now?
 Joey: 4:30.
 Chandler: Yeah all right, so we'll hang out.
 Joey: Yeah. Hey, remember when she brought up that thing about the three of us?
 Chandler: Yes. Vividly.
 Joey: She was kidding about that right?
 Chandler: Yeah, I-I-I think so. (Pauses and thinks about it for a second) Yeah,
 I-I think so...
 Joey: God, that would be weird it that situation presented itself tonight, huh?
 Chandler: Yeah. Yeah, I mean what, what would we do?
 Joey: Dude, I don't know.
 Chandler: She was kidding.
 Joey: Yeah.
 Chandler: She was.... But y'know what, just in case, maybe we should come up
 with a set of ground rules.
 Joey: Yeah, for sure. Okay. Probably want the first thing to be, never open your
 eyes. Y'know, because you don't want to be doing something and then look up and see
 something you don't want to be seeing.
 Chandler: Yeah. Good call, nice one. Hold it!! Hold it! What if me eyes are
 closed, and, and my hand is out there.... (holds his arm out and pretends to grab
 something with his hand.)
 Joey: Ah!! Okay! Eyes open at all times! Oh, hey, how do we decide where we...
 (clears throat) y'know each would, (clears throat again) y'know (pause) be?
 Chandler: Right. Right. Well ah, y'know we could flip for it.
 Joey: Yeah, I guess, but what's like heads and what's tails?
 Chandler: Well it you don't know that, then I don't want to do this
 with you.
 [Scene: Rachel's office, Rachel and a co-worker (Sophie) are dealing with the
 crisis.]
 Rachel: (on the phone) No, no, no, I'm looking at a purchase order right
 here and it clearly states that we ordered the Rivera bikini in a variety of sizes and
 colours. And.... (listens) What does it matter, what I'm wearing?! Can I please speak
 to your supervisor? (listens) Thank you. (to Sophie) We're holding.
 Ross: (entering, carrying a basket) Hi!
 Rachel: (startled) Oh!! My God, what are you doing here?
 Ross: Well you said you couldn't go out so.... (pulls the cover off of the
 basket)
 Sophie: You brought a picnic, oh, what a boyfriend. That's it, on Monday I
 start wearing make-up.
 Rachel: Ross honey, this is very nice, but, but I-I got a crisis.
 Ross: Yeah, but I got cous-cous!
 Rachel: Honey, honey, I'm sorry, I know it's our anniversary but I
 told you on the phone I don't have time to stop.
 Ross: Okay, you don't have to stop, I'm invisible, I'm not here.
 (lights a candle)
 Rachel: But I don't, hmm... (on phone) Oh, who approved that order?!
 (listens) Well there is no Mark Robbinson in this office. (to Sophie) Get me Mark on the
 phone!
 Sophie: I love Mark. (to Ross) Do you know Mark?
 Ross: Yeah!!
 Rachel: Well, let me just check that with what I got here, all right see 038 is
 not the number for (Ross starts making a lot of noise with a handheld pepper grinder) this
 store, 038 is Atlanta. And I...(stops and looks at Ross)
 Ross: (stopping grinding) Pepper?
 Rachel: (angrily) None for me.
 Ross: Okay sorry, whew.
 Rachel: I'm sorry, as I was saying the store number is wrong, and I'm
 sorry but that's... (notices a fire that Ross's candle has started) Oh my God!!
 Ross: (putting out the fire with a squeeze bottle of water) Okay, that's a
 fire. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.


Rachel: (on phone) Excuse me, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to call you
 back, I've got a Schemp in my office. (hangs up) (to Ross) What are you doing?
 Ross: I'm sorry. But ah, hey, oh, somebody's off the phone, how
  bout a glass of wine by the fire, I could get it going again.
 Rachel: Ross you're not listening to me, I don't have time to stop.
 Ross: Come on Rach, you don't have what, ten minutes?
 Rachel: I don't have ten minutes!!
 Ross: What? (to Sophie) Sophie, does she have ten minutes?
 Rachel: Hey, Ross!!! I told you I don't!
 Ross: Don't yell at me okay, this is the most I've seen you all week.
 Rachel: Look, I cannot do this right now, okay, I've got a deadline, would
 you just go home, I'll talk to you later. (storms out)
 Ross: Yeah, but wait...
 Rachel: Good bye!
 (Ross starts to pack up the picnic in anger, and throws a three hole punch in the
 basket.)
 Sophie: Actually, that's our three hole punch.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is eating the picnic as Rachel comes home from work.]
 Ross: Hey.
 Rachel: Hi. Look um, about what happened earlier...
 Ross: No, hey, well, I-I completely understand. You were, you were stressed.
 Rachel: (throws her stuff down) I was gonna give you a chance to apologise to
 me.
 Ross: For what? For letting you throw me out of your office?
 Rachel: You had no right coming down to my office Ross. You do not bring
 a picnic basket to somebody's work! Unless maybe they were a park ranger!
 Ross: Yeah, well excuse me for wanting to be with my girlfriend on our
 anniversary, boy what an ass am I.
 Rachel: But I told you, I didn't have the time!
 Ross: Yeah, well you never have the time. I mean, I don't feel like I even
 have a girlfriend anymore, Rachel.
 Rachel: Wh, Ross what do you want from me? You want me, you want me to quit my
 job so you can feel like you have a girlfriend?
 Ross: No, but it'd be nice if you realised, it's just a job!
 Rachel: Just a job!
 Ross: Yes.
 Rachel: Ross do you realise this is the first time in my life I'm doing
 something I actually care about. This is the first time in my life I'm doing
 something that I'm actually good at. I mean. if you don't get that...
 Ross: No, hey, I get that, okay, I get that big time. And I'm happy for ya,
 but I'm tired of having a relationship with your answering machine! Okay, I
 don't know what to do anymore.
 Rachel: Well neither do I!
 Ross: Is this about Mark?
 Rachel: (shocked) Oh my God.
 Ross: Okay, it's not, it's not.
 Rachel: Oh my God. I cannot keep having this same fight over and over again,
 Ross, no, you're, you're, you're making this too hard.
 Ross: Oh I'm, I'm making this too hard. Okay, what do you want me to
 do.
 Rachel: I don't know, I don't know. Urrrgh! Look, maybe we should take
 a break.
 Ross: Okay, okay, fine, you're right. Let's ah, let's take a
 break, (goes to the door) let's cool off, okay, let's get some frozen yogart, or
 something.. (opens the door)
 Rachel: No. (Ross is standing in the doorway.) A break from us.
 (Ross looks at her, then leaves slamming the door behind him.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: The Philly, Chandler and Joey are talking to Chloe.]
 Chloe: And the advances in collating in the past five years, I mean we just got
 in an X-5000, y'know. The X-5000 makes the X-50 look like a T-71.
 (Chandler agrees in an absolutely bored way.)
 Chloe: (seeing Ross enter) Hey, it's the dinosaur guy. (runs over to Ross)
 Hi, Ross.
 Ross: Oh, hi Chloe.
 Chloe: I want you to met some friends of mine. (Introduces him to Chandler and
 Joey) This guy is my hero, he comes in with some stuff he wants it blown up 400%, we said
 we don't do that, and he says you gotta. And y'know what, we did it. And now anytime
 anybody wants 400, we just say  let's Ross it!'
 Chandler: And that's the only colour that comes in.
 Issac: Yo, Chloe, do you have a quarter for the condom machine?
 Chloe: Oh! (storms off)
 Chandler: So, what are you doing here? I thought tonight was your big
 anniversary dinner.
 Ross: Yeah, little change in plans. Ahh, we're gonna break-up instead.
 (Chandler and Joey stare at each other in shock.)
 [Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Phoebe are on their dates with Sergei and Mischa.]
 Monica: Oh, and I can also speak a little French. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi
 ce soir? (Mischa laughs) Why? What did I say?
 Mischa: Well, you just asked if I wanted to go to bed with you tonight.


Monica: Oh my God! No wonder I get such great service at Cafe Maurice.
 Phoebe: (laughing and banging her spoon on the table) Knock, knock, knock,
 knock, hi. Um, could you please tell Sergei that um, I was fascinated by what Boutros
 Boutros Gali said in the New York Times.
 (Mischa does so.)
 Phoebe: You didn't say Boutros Boutros Gali.
 Mischa: (to Sergei) Boutros Boutros Gali.
 (Sergei responds.)
 Mischa: He says he was too.
 Phoebe: Interesting.
 Mischa: (to Monica) So I was wondering....
 Phoebe: Okay, ah, before you get all talky again, umm, could you also please
 tell Sergei that I really like his suit.
 (Mischa does so, and Sergei complements Phoebe, and says it slowly)
 Mischa: (to Phoebe, very quickly) Eh, he said, thank you very much, he thinks
 you look very pretty tonight, your hair, golden like the sun. (to Monica) So you're a
 chef?
 Monica: I'm also thinking about opening up my own restaurant.
 Mischa: Oh, really.
 Phoebe: Monica, can I talk to you behind my menu, please. (Behind the menu) What
 are you doing?
 Monica: Well, I was having a conversation.
 Phoebe: Yeah but, Mischa is so interested in you, that Sergei and I haven't
 been able to say two words to each other.
 Monica: What do you want me to do? Just sit here silently while you three have a
 conversation?
 Phoebe: That would be great. Thank you.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is lying in front of the bay window, and the phone
 rings.]
 Rachel: (jumping up to answer the phone) Hello!
 Mark: Oh, hi. It's Mark.
 Rachel: (disappointed) Oh.
 Mark: What? Is it my breath?
 Rachel: No! Sorry, I just thought you were somebody else. Hi!
 Mark: Hi. Well, look, I was just gonna leave a message, isn't tonight your,
 your big anniversary dinner?
 Rachel: Yeah. Well, umm.....
 Mark: Rach, are you okay?
 Rachel: (on the verge of tears) Yeah, I'm fine.
 Mark: You wanna talk, I mean I can come over?
 Rachel: No! Really, no, please, please, that's, that's okay.
 Mark: All right, all right, I'm coming over, and I'm bringing Chinese
 food.
 Rachel: Oh, yeah, I'm not, I'm not hungry.
 Mark: It's for me.
 Rachel: Oh. Okay, bye.
 [Scene: The Philly.]
 Joey: So what are you gonna do?
 Ross: What can I do? One person wants to break-up, you break-up.
 Chandler: Hey, no way! Come on, this is you guys, call her and work it out.
 Ross: Oh come on, we just had this huge fight, all right, don't I have to
 wait a while?
 Chandler: Hey, this isn't like swimming after you eat, pick up the phone!!
 (Ross goes to call her.)
 Chandler: Y'know that whole swimming thing is a myth.
 Joey: Yeah, tell that to my Uncle Lenny.
 Chandler: Why? What happened to him?
 Joey: Nothing, he's just really believes in that.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Mark is there, opening Chinese food boxes.]
 Rachel: Oh, and then, we got into this big, stupid fight. I just, it was awful.
 I told him he treats me like a park ranger, or something, oh and then I told him I wanted
 to take a break, I don't want to take a break.
 Mark: Wow. I'm sorry. Eggroll?
 Rachel: No. (grabs an eggroll) And then I called him, and he wasn't there.
 Mark: Well, then he's, he's probably just, out.
 Rachel: Oh, thank you that's very helpful, I'm glad you came over.
 (The phone rings and Rachel answers it.)
 Rachel: Hello.
 Ross: Hi! It's me.
 Rachel: Hi! Oh, I'm so glad you called.
 Ross: Really? I've been thinking, this is crazy, I mean don't,
 don't you think we can work on this?
 Mark: Hey, what do you want to drink?
 Ross: Who's that?
 Rachel: Nobody.
 Mark: Is it okay if I finish the apple juice?
 (Rachel mouths  Shoot!' or something similar.)
 Ross: Is that Mark?
 Rachel: Umm, honey, look he just came over to....
 [Cut to The Philly.]
 Ross: Yeah! Got it! (slams the phone down, and walks back to the bar.)
 Chloe: Hey, dinosaur guy, look at you, so sad. Come dance.
 Ross: Ah, that's okay, thanks.
 Chloe: Hey, you don't have to smile. You just have to dance.
 Ross: Look, I don't feel like dancing, I feel like having a drink. Okay?
 Chloe: Oh, okay. (to the bartender) Hey, two beers. (sits down next to him)
 [Scene: The Restaurant, after dinner.]
 Mischa: (to Monica) And the vet said it was time. And so from half a world away,
 while my Mother held the phone to his ear, I said good bye to my dog,. In seven languages.
 Monica: Oh. (to Phoebe) Can I have a tissue?
 Phoebe: Oh, yeah, sure. I just hope you, hope you don't accidentally suck
 it up through your nose and choke on it.
 (Sergei says something to Mischa.)
 Mischa: (to Phoebe) Sergei, would like to apologise for my behaviour tonight.


 The One The Morning After
 The One The Morning After
 Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 Joey: (Voice Over) Previously on Friends.
 [A montage of scenes from The One Where Ross and Rachel
 Take A Break follows.]
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is eating the picnic as Rachel comes home from work.]
 Ross: I mean, I don't feel like I even have a girlfriend anymore.
 Rachel: You want me to just quit my job so that you can feel like you've
 got a girlfriend?
 Ross: Is this about Mark?
 Rachel: (shocked) Oh my God.
 Ross: Okay, it's not, it's not.
 Rachel: Oh my God. I cannot keep having this same fight with you Ross! Look,
 urrgh, maybe we should take a break.
 Ross: Fine, you're right. Let's ah, let's take a break, (goes to
 the door) let's cool off, okay, let's get some frozen yoghurt, or something..
 (opens the door)
 Rachel: No. A break from us.
 (Ross looks at her, then leaves slamming the door behind him.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Mark is there, opening Chinese food boxes.]
 Rachel: Then, we had this big, stupid fight, and I said I wanted to take a
 break, I don't want to take a break.
 Ross: (on the phone) I've been thinking, this is crazy, I mean don't,
 don't you think we can work on this?
 Mark: Hey, what do you want to drink?
 Ross: Who's that?
 Rachel: Nobody.
 Ross: Is that Mark?
 Rachel: Umm, honey, look he just came over to....
 Ross: Yeah! Got it! (slams down the phone)
 [Scene: The Philly.]
 Chloe: Hey, come dance. What? Are you married?  Cause that's okay.
 [Cut to Chloe and Ross dancing, and their kiss.]
 The Next Morning
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is making a fruit drink in the blender, Rachel has
 just finished her shower and is coming out of the bathroom.]
 Monica: Hey.
 Rachel: Hey.
 Monica: How's the big anniversary dinner?
 Rachel: Well, we never actually got to dinner.
 Monica: Ohhh, nice.
 Rachel: No, we kinda broke up instead.
 Monica: What?! (She accidentally starts the blender without the lid on it and
 fruit flies everywhere.)
 Rachel: (looking up at the ceiling) God, Monica it's on the ceiling.
 Monica: That's okay, this is more important than fruit (pause) (angrily) on
 my ceiling! You broke up?!
 Rachel: Yeah, but it's okay, because when Ross left Mark came over.
 Monica: Oh no!!
 Rachel: No.
 Monica: Rachel, you and Mark?!
 Rachel: No, no-no, it's okay, calm down. Mark and I talked, and I realised
 how much I love your stupid brother, and, yeah, we got our problems, but I really want to
 make it work.
 [Scene: Ross's Bedroom, Ross is waking up. He straightens himself out on the bed
 and puts the covers over his head.]
 Chloe: (entering from bathroom) Morning!
 (Ross sits bolt upright, without moving the covers.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Ross's Kitchen, Ross is taking some aspirin and checking his messages.]
 Rachel: (on answering machine) Hi, it's me. I've been trying to reach
 you all night. I feel awful. Please, Ross, you gotta know there is nothing between me and
 Mark. This whole break-up thing is just stupid.
 Ross: Yeah!!
 Rachel: Eh, I'm just so sorry I put you through it. And, I y'know, I
 don't want to get back together over a machine.
 Ross: Na-huh.
 Rachel: So, I love you.
 Ross: I love you.
 Rachel: And y'know what, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go to bed now, but ah,
 on my way to work tomorrow morning, I'm gonna stop by around 8:30.
 Ross: Okay. (Ross starts frantically looking for a clock.)
 Rachel: Bye.
 (Ross finds a clock, sees it's almost 8:30, and silently screams.)
 Ross: Chloe, Chloe how's it coming?!!
 Chloe: (entering from bedroom) Hey, what kind of puppy do you think I should
 get?
 Ross: Umm, oh, hey, I don't know. How about a big one?
 Chloe: But my apartment is so...
 Ross: Well then a small one!! Listen, let's, we kinda have to get going!
 Chloe: Wait! Where's my shoes?
 Ross: You, you sure you need shoes? (Chloe nods her head) Okay. (reaches down
 and picks up a shoe)
 Chloe: Do I know why we're rushing?
 Ross: Yeah, y'know the ah, the girlfriend I told you about last night?
 (He's frantically throwing the cushions off of the couch looking for her other shoe)
 Well it turns out she ah, she wants to get back together with me. Oh, I found it!!
 Chloe: That's so great for you guys!
 Ross: Yeah!
 Chloe: You must be so happy!
 Ross: Yes, yes I am, one of the many things I'm feeling. Well.... (picks up
 her coat)
 Chloe: Good luck, with your girlfriend.
 Ross: Oh, thank you. (She goes to kiss him, but he holds her coat up between
 their faces to stop her.) Hey, hey. (opens the door, sees Rachel, and hides Chloe behind
 the door) Rachel!!!!


Rachel: Hi. Ohhh, you got my message.
 Ross: Yeah, oh hey, you are right on time.
 Rachel: So what do you say? Can I be your girlfriend again?
 Ross: Yes, you can, very much.
 (Chloe gives Ross the thumbs up while still standing behind the door.)
 Ross: (seeing the thumbs up) Ahhhh!! (Hugs Rachel tighter.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering carry a large box, Monica is mopping
 the ceiling.]
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Monica: Hey.
 Phoebe: Hey, why are you mopping your ceiling?
 Monica: Oh, there's banana on it.
 Phoebe: Wow, I have the spirit of an old Indian women living in mine.
 Monica: So then you know? (Phoebe nods her head)
 Phoebe: The mailman was downstairs, so I brought up your mail.
 Monica: Oh, good. Thanks.
 Phoebe: Now what is Fabutec?
 Monica: Okay, all right don't judge me to much. Okay? Um, but I saw this
 info-mercial, and um, I swear to you I have never-ever bought anything on TV before,
 except for this mop. But there was this stuff on leg waxing, it just, it looked so
 amazing....
 Phoebe: Waxine!!
 Monica: Yes! Have you seen it?
 Phoebe: Oh, it's incredible! I so want to be a Waxine girl.
 Monica: I know!!
 Phoebe: God. Do think it really doesn't hurt?  Cause how can they do
 that?
 Monica: Hello! Organic substances recently discovered in the depths of the rain
 forest!
 Phoebe: They have the best stuff in there.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross has told Chandler and Joey his terrible act.]
 Chandler: Oh my God! Oh my God!
 Joey: Yeah. We figured when we couldn't find you, you'd gone home to
 make up with Rachel. Which is probably what you shoulda done. Huh?
 Ross: You think?! God, I, ah, I'm in hell. I mean what, what am I gonna do?
 Rachel's all like,  I love you and, and let's work on this.' And all I
 can think about is,  What is she gonna do? What is she gonna say?' when I tell
 her what I did.
 Chandler: Well, before we answer that, I think we should address the more
 important question. How dumb are you?
 Ross: What?! Look, we're trying to rebuild a relationship here, right. How
 am I supposed to do that here, without being totally honest with each other?
 Joey: Look, Ross look, I'm on board about this totally honesty thing, I am,
 just not about stuff that's gonna get you in trouble.
 Chandler: He's right. Nobody's gonna benefit, and you're just
 gonna hurt her.
 Joey: Yeah, and there won't be a relationship left to rebuild.
 Ross: Yeah, but don't you think....
 Chandler: All right look, if you absolutely have to tell her, at least wait
 until the timing's right. And that's what deathbeds are for.
 Ross: Yeah, okay. (he plops down into one of the leather chairs, with the
 footrest extended.)
 Joey: All right, okay, now, we just have to make sure she doesn't find out
 some other way. (spins the chair around so that Ross is facing him) Did you think about
 the trail?
 Ross: What trail?
 Joey: (stomps on the footrest which pops Ross up into a sitting position) The
 trail from the woman you did it with to the woman you hope never finds out who did it!
 (slapping his hands with each word) You always have to think about the trail!
 Ross: Oh, I-I don't think there's any trail.
 Chandler: Okay, okay-okay, ah, Chloe works with that guy Issac. Issac's
 sister is Jasmine. And Jasmine works at that message place with Phoebe. And Phoebe's
 friends with Rachel. And that's the trail, I did it!
 [Scene: Monica's Bedroom, Monica and Phoebe are waxing their legs.]
 Phoebe: (reading from the instructions) After applying the Waxine and linen
 strips to leg number one,
 Monica: Did that!
 Phoebe: Grasp one of the linen strips by its  easy grab tab' and pull
 it off in one quick pain free motion.
 Monica: Okay. (Does so.) Ow!!!!! Ow-oh-oh!
 Phoebe: Was it not pain-free?
 Monica: No. It was painful. Oh my God , they should call it Pain-zine, now with
 a little wax.
 Phoebe: Huh, well, the girls in the satin nighties on the commercial don't
 seem to think it's that bad.
 Monica: That's because their nerves are probably deadened from being so
 stupid. But hey, y'know if you don't believe me, please, by my guest.
 Phoebe: (Removing one of the strips) Ow-ow-ow-ow! Oh my God!!!
 Monica: Now, are you glad we didn't start with the bikini strips?
 [Scene: The Xerox Place, Ross is trying to break the trail.]
 Ross: (entering) Chloe? Hi..
 Chloe: Is this about me taking your watch?
 Ross: You took my watch?
 Chloe: I'm sorry, I do that.
 Ross: Just you keep it, listen did you, did you tell anyone about us?
 Chloe: Oh no. I feel it isn't really anybody's business, y'know.
 Ross: Exactly. So you didn't, didn't mention anything to Issac right?
 Chloe: Oh, well I tell Issac everything.


Ross: You tell, of course you do. Issac. Issac. Hey, Issac. Issac, hi! Y'know we
 haven't actually met...
 Issac: You dog!
 Ross: Yes, I suppose I am a dog. But Issac, see I-I happen to have a girlfriend.
 Issac: Oh right, that Rachel chick from the coffee place.
 Ross: Yeah, that's the one. Listen, I don't want to hurt her.
 Issac: Oh, hey, man I know, doesn't matter how much we love  em,
 monogamy is too cruel a rule.
 Ross: Yeah. Listen, can you keep this information to yourself?
 Issac: Aw, no problem dude. Y'know we got to look out for each other. We're
 the same, you and me.
 Ross: Actually, no, we're not.
 Issac: Yeah, we are.
 Ross: No, we're not.
 Issac: Yeah, we are.
 Ross: No, we're not!!
 Issac: Okay, we're not.
 Ross: Right.
 Issac: But, we are.
 Ross: Fine. I just need to know that you're not gonna tell your sister.
 Issac: I can promise not to tell her again.
 [Scene: Phoebe's Work, Ross is now trying to stop Jasmine from telling Phoebe.]
 Ross: (entering out of breath) Jasmine?
 Jasmine: Uh-huh.
 Ross: We met at Phoebe's birthday party, I'm, I'm Ross Geller.
 Jasmine: You did a bad thing!
 Ross: Yes, I did.
 Jasmine: Very bad!
 Ross: Very bad.
 Jasmine: Very, very bad.
 Ross: I'm agreeing with you. Did you, listen, did you happen to tell Phoebe
 yet?
 Jasmine: No.
 Ross: Okay, Jasmine, please, please don't. I love my girlfriend very much,
 and I want more than anything to just work it out with her. Okay?
 Jasmine: All right.
 Ross: Thank you, thank you.
 Jasmine: But you should probably talk to my roommate, because I told him and he
 knows Phoebe too.
 Ross: (angrily) Who's your roommate?
 [Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is wiping down the counter as Ross rushes in.]
 Ross: Gunther! Gunther. Gunther, please tell me you didn't say anything to
 Rachel about me and the girl from the Xerox place.
 Gunther: I'm sorry. Was I not supposed to?
 (Ross turns around and sees Rachel sitting by the window. She is just glaring at him.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica's Bedroom, Monica and Phoebe are removing the rest of their wax
 strips.]
 Monica: Ow!
 Phoebe: Oh!!
 Monica: Ow!! Ow!!
 Phoebe: Ow!!!
 Monica and Phoebe: Ow!!!!!!! Ow-ow-ow-ow!
 (Hearing the screaming Chandler and Joey rush in. Joey has a pan, Chandler has a tea
 kettle.)
 Phoebe: We're all right.
 Monica: It's okay, it's okay.
 Phoebe: We're all right.
 Monica: We were just waxing our legs.
 Chandler: Off?!!
 Phoebe: For your information, this happens to be a pain like no man will ever
 experience.
 Chandler: Yeah, well I don't think you can make that statement, unless
 you've been kicked in an area that God only meant to be treated nicely.
 Joey: Yeah, I-I think that women just have a lower threshold of pain than men,
 that's all. I mean, come on, it's just a little wax.
 Phoebe: Oh yeah, come here. (Puts a little wax on Joey's arm and puts a
 strip on it.)
 Chandler: Oh, that's mature.
 Joey: Okay, fine, so now what, I just pull it off?
 Phoebe: Uh-huh.
 Monica: That's right.
 (Joey laughs, pulls it off, then does a high-pitched whine.)
 [Cut to Living Room, Rachel is trying to close the door on Ross.]
 Ross: (forcing the door open) Come on, Rachel, come on! Talk to me! Please!!
 [Cut to Monica's bedroom, Chandler slowly closes the door, and we hear Rachel from the
 living room.]
 Rachel: I can't talk to you. I can't even look at you right now!
 Monica: What?
 Chandler: Nothing, nothing.
 Monica: (going over to listen at the door) Rachel said everything was okay.
 Phoebe: (to Joey) What, what are they talking about?
 Ross: Rachel?
 [Cut to Living Room]
 Rachel: Just get away from me!
 Ross: No, it was a mistake! I made a mistake! Okay?
 Rachel: A mistake?! What were you trying to put it in? Her purse?!
 [Cut to Monica's bedroom]
 Phoebe: Whe-where did he put it?!
 [Cut to Living Room]
 Rachel: Ross, you had sex with another woman!
 [Cut to Monica's bedroom, both Monica and Phoebe gasp.]
 Monica: Oh my God.
 Phoebe: Oh, I knew something had to be wrong, because my fingernails did not
 grow at all yesterday.
 Chandler: Yeah, well, I guess they had a fight, and he got drunk....
 Monica: Oh!! (hits Chandler and Joey in the head) You guys knew about this and
 you didn't tell us?!
 Chandler: (to Joey) He has sex, and we get hit in our heads.
 [Cut to Living Room]
 Rachel: (opening the door) Y'know what, I want you to leave! Get outta here!
 Ross: No!!
 Rachel: Just get out! Now!!
 Ross: No!! No!! I wanna stay. I wanna talk about this.
 Rachel: Okay! All right! How was she?
 [Cut to Monica's bedroom]


Chandler: Uh-oh.
 [Cut to Living Room]
 Ross: What?
 Rachel: Was she good?
 [Cut to Monica's bedroom]
 Joey: Don't answer that.
 [Cut to Living Room]
 Rachel: Come on Ross! You said you wanted to talk about it, let's talk
 about it!! How was she?
 Ross: She was...
 [Cut to Monica's bedroom]
 Joey: Awful! Horrible!
 Chandler: She was not good. Not good.
 Joey: She was nothing compared to you.
 [Cut to Living Room]
 Ross: She, she was different.
 [Cut to Monica's bedroom]
 Joey: Ewwwww!
 Chandler: Uh-oh.
 [Cut to Living Room]
 Rachel: Good different?
 Ross: Nobody likes change.
 (Rachel picks up a newspaper and starts beating him with it.)
 Ross: What? Okay, okay, okay, okay.
 [Cut to Monica's bedroom]
 Phoebe: Should we do something?
 Chandler: Yeah, never cheat on Rachel.
 [Cut to Living Room]
 Ross: I'm sorry, okay, I'm sorry. I wa-I was disgusted with myself,
 and this morning I was so, I was so upset and then I got your message and I was so happy,
 and all I wanted was to get her out of my apartment as fast as possible.
 Rachel: Whoa!! Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. What time did your little friend
 leave? (Ross can't answer that) Oh my God. She was there? She was still there? She
 was in there, when I was in there?!
 (Ross hands Rachel back the newspaper, and she starts beating him with it again.)
 Ross: Listen. Oh hey, hey, the important thing was that she meant, she meant
 nothing to me!
 Rachel: And yet she was worth jeopardising our relationship!!
 (She throws the paper at him, misses and hits Monica's door, they all jump back at
 the sound.)
 Ross: Look, I didn't think there was a relationship to jeopardise. I
 thought we were broken up.
 Rachel: We were on a break!
 Ross: That, for all I knew would, could last forever. That to me is a break-up.
 Rachel: You think you're gonna get out of this on a technicality?
 Ross: Look, I'm not trying to get out of anything, okay. I thought our
 relationship was dead!
 Rachel: Well, you sure had a hell of a time at the wake!
 [Cut to Monica's bedroom]
 Joey: Y'know what, I don't think we should listen to this anymore. (Goes to
 open the door)
 Monica: (stopping him) What, what are you doing? You can't go out there.
 Joey: Why not?! (to Chandler) I'm hungry.
 Monica: Because they'll know we've been listening.
 [Cut to Living Room]
 Rachel: God! And to have to hear about it from Gunther!!
 Ross: Come on! Like I wanted him to tell you, I ran all over the place trying to
 make sure that didn't happen!
 Rachel: Oh, that is so sweet. I think I'm falling in love with you all over
 again.
 [Cut to Monica's bedroom]
 Chandler: Y'know what, I think we can go out there. I mean they have more
 important things to worry about.
 Joey: Yeah, we'll be fine.
 [Cut to Living Room]
 Ross: Look Rachel, I wanted to tell you, I thought I should, I-I did, and then
 Chandler and Joey convinced me not to.
 [Cut to Monica's bedroom]
 Chandler: (handing Monica the wax) Wax the door shut, we're never leaving,
 ever.
 [Later, Phoebe is on the phone, they're all still trapped in Monica's
 bedroom.]
 Phoebe: Hi, it's Phoebe. Listen someone's gonna have to take my 9:00
 with Mr. Rehack,  cause it's like 9:15 now, and I'm not there.
 [Cut to Living Room]
 Ross: Don't you realise none of this would've ever happened if I
 didn't think at that same moment you weren't having sex with Mark?
 Rachel: All right. Let's say I had slept with Mark. Would you have been
 able to forgive me?
 Ross: (pause) Yes I would.
 Rachel: You'd be okay if you knew that Mark had kissed me, and been naked
 with me, and made love to me?
 Ross: (less sure) Yes.
 Rachel: You knew that our hot, sweaty, writhing bodies were....
 Ross: (covering his ears and screaming) La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Okay,
 okay, yeah, I would have been devastated but, I would still want to be with you. Because
 it's, I mean it's you.
 [Cut to Monica's bedroom]
 All: Ohhhhh!
 [Later, Ross and Rachel are sitting in the kitchen.]
 Ross: What? Come on Rach, tell me what you're thinking?
 Rachel: I'm thinking, I'm gonna order a pizza.
 Ross: Order a pizza like,  I forgive you?'
 (She turns around and glares at him, he turns away.)
 [Cut to Monica's bedroom]
 Joey: Oh man, pizza? I like pizza. (makes like he is trying to send a telepathic
 message to Rachel) Put olives on the pizza.
 Phoebe: We could eat the wax! It's organic.
 Chandler: Oh great, food with hair on it.
 Phoebe: No, not the used wax.
 Chandler: Because that would be crazy?
 [Cut to Living Room]


Ross: Hey, can I, can I get in on that? Because I'm kinda hungry myself.
 Rachel: Fine. (on phone) Hi! Yes, I'd like to order a large pizza.
 Ross: No anchovies.
 Rachel: With ah, extra anchovies.
 Ross: That's okay, I'll just pick  em off.
 Rachel: Yeah, and could you please chop some up and just put it right there in
 the sauce?
 [Cut to later, they are finishing up the pizza, there's one piece left.]
 Ross: You can have the last piece, if you want.
 Rachel: Well, I should think so. You slept with someone.
 [Cut to Monica's bedroom, they're all eating the wax, Chandler and Phoebe,
 don't like it. Joey tries some and makes a face like:  Hey, that's not so
 bad.']
 Phoebe: They're gonna get through this, aren't they?
 Chandler: Yeah, come on, it's Ross and Rachel, they've got too.
 Monica: What if they don't?
 (Long pause.)
 Joey: You think I need a new walk?
 Chandler: What?
 Joey: Well y'know, I've been walking the same way since high school.
 Y'know, y'know how some guys they walk into a room and everybody takes notice. I think I
 need a  take notice' walk.
 Chandler: Are you actually saying these words?
 [Later, in the living room, Rachel is sitting on the couch, Ross is on the chair.]
 Ross: What, now you're not even taking to me? (moves over to the coffee
 table) Look Rachel, I-I'm sorry, okay, I'm sorry, I was out of my mind. I
 thought I'd lost you, I didn't know what to do. Come on! Come on, how insane
 must I have been to do something like this? Huh? I-I don't cheat right, I,
 that's not me, I'm not Joey!
 [Cut to Monica's bedroom]
 Joey: Whoa-ho-ho! (He looks at Chandler, who gives him a  come on'
 look.) Yeah, okay.
 Monica: Hey. It's three in the morning. They don't know that I've
 come home yet. You notice how neither one of them are wondering where I am.
 Phoebe: Yeah, y'know, people can be so self-involved.
 [Cut to Living Room]
 Ross: Y'know what, y'know what, I'm-I'm not the one that wanted that,
 that break, okay. You're the one that bailed on us. You're the one that, that
 ran when things got just a little rough!
 Rachel: That's....
 Ross: That's what?!
 Rachel: That is neither here nor there.
 Ross: Okay, well here we are. Now we're in a tough spot again, Rach. What
 do you want to do? How do you want to handle it? Huh? Do you wanna fight for us? Or, do
 you wanna bail? (sits down next to her) Look, I, (on the verge of tears) I did a terrible,
 stupid, stupid thing. Okay? And I'm sorry, I wish I could take it back, but I
 can't. (We see Monica and Phoebe are almost in tears.) I just can't see us
 throwing away something we know is so damn good. Rachel, I love you so much.
 (He kisses her on her shoulder, then her neck, then the side of her face, then just
 before he kisses her on the lips....)
 Rachel: No Ross!! (stands up and moves away from him) Don't! You can't
 just kiss me and think you're gonna make it all go away, okay? It doesn't work
 that way. It doesn't just make it better. Okay?
 Ross: Okay, okay, okay.
 Rachel: (softly) I think you should go.
 Ross: What?
 Rachel: (softly) I really think you need to go now.
 Ross: (moving over to stand in front of her) Okay, okay. This morning you said
 there was nothing so big that we couldn't work past it together...
 Rachel: Yeah, what the hell did I know!
 Ross: Look, look, there's got to be a way we can work past this. Okay,
 (takes a hold of one of her arms.) I can't imagine, I can't imagine my life
 without you. (Both of them are starting to cry.) Without, without these arms, and your
 face, and this heart. Your good heart Rach, (drops to his knees and hugs her around her
 waist) and, and....
 Rachel: (crying) No. I can't, you're a totally different person to me
 now. I used to think of you as somebody that would never, ever hurt me, ever. God, and now
 I just can't stop picturing with her, I can't, (Ross stands up and backs away)
 it doesn't matter what you say, or what you do, Ross. It's just changed,
 everything. Forever.
 [We see the rest of them are now crying.]
 Ross: (crying) Yeah, but this can't be it, I mean.
 (Pause)
 Rachel: Then how come it is?
 Closing Credits
 [Scene: Monica's bedroom.]
 Phoebe: They've been quiet for a long time.
 Joey: Maybe she killed him?
 Chandler: Let's go.
 [Cut to Living Room, Rachel is sleeping on the couch, Ross is gone, the rest of them
 can finally emerge from their cell. They all wave good bye, and start to walk quietly out,
 as Monica goes and puts a blanket on Rachel. Joey starts walking all hunched over and
 bobbing his shoulders as he goes.]


 The One Without The Ski Trip
 The One Without The Ski Trip
 Written by: Scott Silveri & Shana Goldberg-Meehan
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch reading.]
 Joey: Can I see the comics?
 Chandler: This is the New York Times.
 Joey: Okay, may I see the comics?
 [Monica and Phoebe enter.]
 Monica: Guys. I thought you were taking Ross to the game?
 Chandler: We are. He's meeting us here.
 Monica: No! Rachel is meeting us here.
 Phoebe: Oh come on, they can be in the same room.
 Joey: Yeah, you shoulda been there last night.
 Phoebe: Why? What happened now?
 Joey: Well Ross was hangin' out over at our place, Rachel comes over to
 borrow some moisturiser from Chandler....
 Chandler: Yeah y-you, how hard is it to say something? Rachel came over to
 borrow something.
 Joey: Anyway! Her and Ross just started yelling at each other.
 Phoebe: Wait. Why was he yelling at her? He's the one who slept with
 someone else.
 Joey: Well, I guess he says that because they were on a break when it happened,
 that she should of forgiven him by now.
 Phoebe: Whoa!! He is soo unreasonable! God, although I think I understand what
 he means. Oh my God, this is like 60 Minutes, okay, when, when, at first
 you're really mad at that pharmaceutical company for making the drug and then y'know
 you just feel bad for the people because they needed to make their hair grow.
 Chandler: Y'know what this is like? This is like when my parents got divorced.
 Man, I hope Ross doesn't try to kidnap me after Cub Scouts.
 Phoebe: Y'know I had a dream where Ross and Rachel were still together, they
 never broke up. And we were all just like hanging out, and everyone was happy....
 Joey: I had the same dream!
 Phoebe: Yeah, and nobody slept with that Xerox girl.
 Joey: Oh, I had the opposite dream.
 Chandler: Y'know what maybe it's gonna be okay, I mean it's been a
 week.
 Joey: Yeah, I mean it's never taken me a week to get over a relationship.
 Monica: It's never taken you more than a shower to get over a
 relationship.
 [Rachel enters.]
 Monica: (seeing her) Okay, let's go!! Let's hit the road!!
 Rachel: Hey!
 Monica: Let's get the show on it!
 Rachel: Okay, let me just get a cup of coffee.
 Monica: Oh Rachel, I know the best coffee house and it's sooo close.
 Rachel: Closer than here?
 Phoebe: (turning around and picking a cup off of a table) Oh, hey, look, I found
 coffee! (handing her the cup) Okay, let's skedaddle.
 Rachel: Wait, I'm not just gonna drink somebody's old coffee.
 Phoebe: Okay, your highness.
 [Ross enters behind Rachel, and look at each other for a moment.]
 Phoebe: (in a deep voice, imitating Ross) Um, Rachel I'm really sorry.
 (imitating Rachel) That's okay, do you wanna get back together? (imitating Ross)
 Yeah, okay. (in her normal voice) Did anyone else hear that?!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the whole gang is there, except for Ross and Rachel. Joey
 is trying to eat Chinese with chopsticks and fails miserably. There's a knock on the
 door, and Chandler answers it to reveal Rachel]
 Rachel: (softly) Is he here?
 Chandler: No.
 Rachel: Oh. (smiles) Here's your moisturiser. Hi!
 Monica and Phoebe: Hey!
 Rachel: You guys are gonna love meee! Okay, check it out, Thursday night, five
 tickets, Calvin Klein lingerie show, and you guys are coming with me. (they're
 all silent and look away) Okay, I said that out loud right?
 Chandler: Yes, yes, it's just that we ah, we kinda all ready, made plans
 with Ross.
 Rachel: Oh, well okay. Well, there you go.
 Phoebe: No, it's just that he got this new like home theater dealie, and he
 wants y'know, us to check it out.
 Rachel: Hm-mm.
 Chandler: Yeah, he's really excited about it too, he even recorded show
 times on his answering machine.
 Rachel: Ohh!
 Monica: We're sorry honey.
 Rachel: Oh, it's okay. (starts to leave)
 Joey: Rach, it's, it's ah, it's not that we don't want to,
 really. (quietly) Are we talking models in their underwear?
 Rachel: And heels.
 Joey: (He turns around to Chandler looking for approval to go with Rachel,
 Chandler mouths  Come on!') (turning back to Rachel) Ross, did ask us first, and
 we set that night aside.
 Rachel: No, hey, come on, if he asked you first, that's only fair. (leaves)
 [Chandler makes a noise of absolute disgust and heads into the living room.]
 Phoebe: Ohhh boy, do I feel bad.
 Joey: Oh yeah.
 Monica: Very bad.
 [We see Chandler lighting up a cigarette.]
 Phoebe: Chandler what are you doing?!
 Monica: Chandler!!
 Chandler: (jumps back and points at the cigarette) Oh my God!


Joey: You're smoking again?!
 Chandler: Well, actually, yesterday I was smoking again. Today, I'm,
 I'm smoking still.
 Phoebe: Why would you start again after chewing all that quitting gum?
 Chandler: Look, I'm telling you this is just like my parents divorce, which
 is when I started smoking in the first place.
 Monica: Weren't you nine?!
 Chandler: Yeahhh. I'm tellin' ya something, that ah, first smoke after
 nap time....
 [There's a knock on the door.]
 Chandler: Oh that's great, with my luck, that's gonna be him.
 Phoebe: Him? Him, Ross?
 Chandler: Nope, hymn 253, His Eyes Are On The Sparrow! When my parents got
 divorced is when I started using humour as a defence mechanism. (answers the door and
 it's Rachel again.)
 Rachel: Hi! Uhh, do you guys have plans for the weekend? Because I have my
 sister on hold, and she said that we could use her cabin for the weekend and go skiing.
 Huh? I'm asking you first, right?!. I mean I'm playing by the rules.
 All: Absolutely, yeah!
 Rachel: Chandler! You're smoking? What are you doing?!
 Chandler: Hey, shut up!! You're not my real Mom!!
 [Scene: Ross's, the gang, minus Rachel of course, is there. Chandler is forced to
 smoke by an open window.]
 Joey: (obviously cold) Hey, can you close that window Chandler? My nipples can
 cut glass over here!
 Phoebe: Wait. Really?!  Cause mine get me out of tickets.
 Ross: Look, you guys I just wanna say, I really, really appreciate you spending
 this time with me. It's been a pretty hard time right now, so I just wanna say
 thanks.
 Chandler: Can somebody else hug him? I have to stay by the window.
 Ross: Oh hey, hey, huh, how about this weekend we have a laser disc marathon
 okay, and maybe a tournament on my new dart board? Huh, huh, what do you think? (in an
 Irish accent) Two days of darts, it'll be great!
 Joey: It'll be great for next weekend.
 Ross: No, no, no, this weekend guys!
 Joey: It'll be great for next weekend. I mean, (in an Irish accent)
 it'll be grrreat.
 Ross: What's going on?
 Phoebe: Well, we were um, sorta invited to go skiing, y'know Rachel's
 sister's cabin. (Chandler goes back to the window to smoke again.)
 Ross: So, for the whole weekend?
 Monica: We're really sorry, but um, she did ask us first.
 Ross: Yeah, that's okay, I mean if you guys all have to go away for
 the first weekend I'm alone by myself, y'know then I totally, totally understand.
 Phoebe: Y'know what, I can stay, I'm gonna stay.  Cause the last time
 I went skiing I was to afraid to jump off the chair lift, I just went around and around.
 Joey: Uh, Pheebs we kinda need you to drive us all up there in your
 grandmother's cab, but y'know what, I'll stay.
 Monica: Noo! I'll stay. He's my brother.
 Ross: What a pity stay?
 Monica: No! We're gonna have fun. We can make fudge!
 Ross: Pity food? Y'know what that's okay, all right, I don't need any
 of you to stay, okay nobody stays.
 Chandler: Well, then, I might as well offer to stay.
 [Scene: In Phoebe's Grandmother's cab, driving up to the cabin. Phoebe's
 driving, Rachel's sitting shotgun, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are in the back seat.]
 Joey: (to Chandler and Monica) Hey, does anybody else feel bad about Ross?
 Monica: Why? Do you think he's still mad at us?
 Chandler: (to Joey) Well he's probably mad after you called him this
 morning to borrow his goggles.
 Joey: What? Mine aren't tinted.
 [Chandler starts to light a cigarette.]
 Phoebe: Chandler!!
 Chandler: What?
 Phoebe: What does the sign say?
 Chandler: Beam me up Jesus.
 Phoebe: No, the  No Smoking' sign. There's no smoking in my
 Grandmother's cab.
 Chandler: Okay, well, then, I-I have to go to the bathroom.
 All: Oh!
 Phoebe: Please!
 Monica: No Chandler no! No unscheduled stops. You can go when we stop for gas.
 Chandler: Oh, come on, there's a rest stop right up there! Come on, I
 really have to goooooooooo.
 Joey: Oh, now I have to go!!
 [Scene: The rest stop, Phoebe's pulling in.]
 Chandler: Here we go. Okay, brace yourselves.
 Monica: What?
 [Both Chandler and Joey put their feet up against the glass, Monica doesn't and
 gets thrown up against the glass.]
 Rachel: Okay.
 Monica: Ow!
 [Joey gets out and sprints to the bathroom and Chandler follows with a cigarette in his
 hands.]
 Phoebe: (to Rachel, who's staying in the cab.) Aren't you gonna go?
 Rachel: No. Thank you.
 Monica: (getting out) No, Rachel never pees in public restrooms.
 Rachel: Well, they never have any paper in there y'know. So my rule is  no
 tissue, no tuschy.' (Phoebe laughs and gets out.) Well, if everybody's going.
 (She gets out and starts to close the door.)
 Phoebe: No, y'know what don't close it (Rachel slams the door shut locking
 themselves out.)  cause the... keys...are in there.


Chandler: Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no!!
 Joey: What's going on?
 Chandler: (to Joey) My lighter's in there! (points to the cab)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: The rest stop, the gang is still stuck, Chandler is kneeling at the rear
 bumper.]
 Chandler: Damn! (stands up) The tailpipe's not hot enough to light this!
 Joey: Relax okay, I-I-I can get this open. Anybody have a coat hanger?
 Chandler: Oh I do! Op, no, wait a minute, I took it out of my shirt when I put
 it on this morning.
 Monica: So, if you're parents hadn't got divorced, you'd be able
 to answer a question like a normal person?
 Joey: Look, I just need a wire something to jimmy it. Oh hey, one of you guys
 give me the underwire from your bra!
 Monica: What?!
 Rachel: What?!
 Joey: Come on! Who has the biggest boobs?
 Monica: Please!!
 Joey: Whoever has the biggest boobs, has the biggest bra, therefore has the
 biggest wire.
 The Girls: No, not getting my bra!
 Joey: If you wanna get back in the car, we need the wire, your call.
 Phoebe: Okay, Monica's are the biggest.
 Monica: These tiny, little non-breasts?! Please, it's gotta be Rachel.
 Rachel: What, no, no, no, mine are deceptively small I mean, I-I-I actually
 sometimes, st-stuff my bra.
 Monica: All right then, your bra would still be big.
 Rachel: No, I stuff outside the bra.
 Chandler: Ladies, ladies, let's just compromise okay? Phoebe, Rachel take
 off Monica's bra.
 Phoebe: All right, forget it, nevermind, you can have mine.
 [Chandler crumples up his cigarette pack and throws it on the ground.]
 Rachel: (seeing him) Chandler, what are you doing? There is a trash can right
 there.
 Chandler: Well, I thought if I littered, that crying Indian might come by and
 save us.
 Phoebe: (finishing removing her bra) Okay, there.
 Joey: Thank you Phoebe, that is very, very generous.
 Chandler: Okay, now let's decide who has the nicest ass.
 Joey: (opening the door) And there you go!
 All: Oh, yeahhhhh!!!
 [They all run to get in the cab, and Chandler pulls out a smoke.]
 Monica: Chandler!!
 Chandler: At least let me smoke it to the good part.
 [Phoebe puts the car in gear and starts to back out.]
 Phoebe: Okay. (The car moves a few feet and sputters to a stop.) Oh, no!
 Rachel: What, what's it, what's going on?
 Phoebe: Yeah, this has happened before.
 Rachel: So you know how to fix it?
 Phoebe: Yep. Put more gas in.
 [Scene: Carol and Susan's, Carol is setting a romantic dinner for Susan as there
 is a knock on the door.]
 Carol: (answering the door) Hi!
 Ross: (entering) Hey.
 Carol: Hey, what are you doing here?
 Ross: Well, oh just ah, I was just wondering, when you and I split up, did you
 get the tape that was half the last episode of M*A*S*H and half the hostages
 coming home?
 Carol: Ah yeah, but now it's Susan and me in Mexico and the hostages coming
 home.
 Ross: Where's Ben?
 Carol: He's sleeping.
 Ross: Ahh. (notices the table) Ooh, is this a ah, is this a bad time?
 Carol: Umm, yeah, actually, Susan's gonna be home any minute, it's
 kinda an anniversary.
 Ross: Oh! I thought you guys got married in uh, January?
 Carol: It's not that kind of anniversary.
 Ross: Ah! (realises) Oh.
 Carol: Sooo!! Anyway...
 Ross: Umm, candles, champagne, yeah anniversaries are great.  Cause you
 know love lasts forever, y'know. Nothing like it in this lifetime, money in the bank, so
 Rachel and I broke up.
 Carol: Oh God, Ross I am so sorry.
 Ross: Yeah, well.
 Carol: Y'know what, I want to talk to you about this so much, but we should
 probably do it when we could really get into it, are you free for dinner tomorrow night?
 Ross: Oh yeah, I'd love that.
 Carol: Oh, great! Me too.
 Ross: I guess it all started when Rachel got this new job. (he sits down at the
 table.)
 [Scene: The rest stop, Phoebe is on the phone to the motor club.]
 Phoebe: Okay, yeah. (to Monica and Rachel) Triple A can pick us up.
 Rachel: Great!
 Phoebe: Yeah, what town are we near?
 Monica: Freemont. West-Westmont, ah Westburg?
 Phoebe: (to Monica) Then why are you answering? Do you at least know what route
 we're on?
 Rachel: Yeah, we are definitely on Route 27.
 Phoebe: Okay. (on phone) We are at a rest stop on Route 27. Okay. (to Rachel)
 There is no Route 27. (listens) (to Rachel) Okay, either 93 or 76?
 Rachel: I don't know, I'm sorry, I always slept in the back when we
 drove up here.
 Phoebe: Okay. (on phone) Hey, can you send somebody up and down 76 and check
 every rest stop, and, and also 93? (listens) Okay! (hangs up) Yeah, no they don't do
 that.


Rachel: Ugh, okay, well somebody will come and save us.
 Monica: Who? I mean have you seen a car come by here in the last hour and a
 half? I think we should call Ross, maybe he can get a car and come pick us up.
 Rachel: No! No, I am not getting in a car with Ross, we will just have to live
 here!
 Phoebe: But if...
 Rachel: No you guys, I am not getting in a car with him, you'll have to
 think of something else.
 Phoebe: Oh good, oh Joey and Chandler are back.
 [Joey walks up helping Chandler.]
 Monica: So the going for help went well?
 Joey: Oh yeah, Smokey Joe here got half way to the highway and collapsed.
 Chandler: I have the lung capacity of a two year old. (starts to light another
 cigarette.)
 Monica: Then why are you smoking?
 Chandler: Well it's very unsettling.
 [Scene: Carol and Susan's, Ross is eating the dinner Carol made for Susan.]
 Ross: ....right? Right? I mean it's pretty unbelievable y'know, I mean they
 just took off, took off without even looking back. Y'know I don't, I don't need
 them, huh, I've got you guys now as friends, you and Susan.
 Carol: Ah, Susan will be so pleased.
 [Ross's beeper goes off.]
 Ross: (looking at the page) 717? (to Carol) Where's 717? (He gets up to
 return the page, Carol starts to take the last of the food into the kitchen, but Ross
 grabs the last piece.) Hey, you've have more of these for Susan right?
 Carol: No. But it's okay, I'll just put out pickles or something.
 [Cut to the rest stop, Monica and Phoebe are waiting anxiously by the phone as it
 rings.]
 Phoebe: (answering the phone) (whispering) Ross, thank God.
 Ross: Pheebs? What, why are you whispering?
 Phoebe: I ate a bug.
 [Rachel starts to walk up.]
 Monica: (running over to stop Rachel) Hey Rach, the tampons here are only a
 penny. Let's stock up. (takes her into the bathroom)
 Phoebe: Listen Ross, we ran out of gas, and we don't know where we are, so
 we can't get a tow truck.
 Ross: Oh, now you want a favour?
 Phoebe: Yes, please.
 Ross: Well, oh, I'm sorry your car broke down Pheebs, but I'm a little
 too busy with some of my real friends right now, but please call to let me know you got
 home safely okay?
 Carol: (running over and grabbing the phone away from Ross) (on phone) Phoebe,
 hang on a second. (Hands Ross her keys) Here, take my car, go pick up your friends.
 Ross: No, I'm not gonna pick them up.
 Carol: Listen, we both know you're gonna do it  cause you're not
 a jerk. Okay? So you can either sulk here for a half hour and then go pick them up, or
 save us both time and sulk in the car.
 Ross: No, Rachel doesn't want me to....
 Carol: Look, I-I-I am sorry that Rachel dumped you  cause she fell in love
 with that Mark guy, and you are the innocent victim in all of this, but don't punish
 your friends for what Rachel did to you.
 Ross: Yeah, you're right.
 Carol: (on phone) Phoebe hang on a second Ross wants to say something. (listens)
 What? (listens) (to Ross) You slept with someone else?!
 Ross: We were on a break!!! Okay!! (grabs the phone) We were, we were..., (calms
 down) yeah. Where are you? I'll find you. (hangs up)
 Carol: You slept with another woman?
 Ross: Oh, you-you're-you're one to talk.
 [Scene: The rest stop, Joey is making a sign.]
 Joey: Okay, done.
 Monica: (reading the sign) What's  pleh'?
 Joey: That's  help' spelled backwards so that the helicopters can
 read it from the air!
 Monica: Huh. What's doofus spelled backwards?
 [Ross drives up.]
 Rachel: (all excited) Op, op, car! Car!! (sees it's Ross) Ugh!!!
 Phoebe: Oh, it's Ross on one of his drives!
 Chandler and Joey: Hey!!
 Phoebe: Hi!
 Rachel: What is he doing here?!
 Ross: He is saving your butt, ah, unless of course I'm stepping on
 some toes here, in which case I can just mosey on, I've got plenty of people to help
 on the Interstate.
 All: No! Come on!
 Rachel: All right!! Fine! Fine.
 [Ross grabs the gas can he brought along, and walks through Joey's sign destroying
 it.]
 Joey: Arrrghh!!
 Chandler: Oh no, now it's not gonna make any sense!
 Phoebe: (to Chandler and Monica) You guys, what, what do we do about Ross who
 drove all the way up here? What do we do? Just like send him back and we're then
 gonna go skiing?
 Chandler: Oh, this is horrible, it's just horrible.
 Joey: Guys, do you think we should ask Ross to come along?
 Monica: I know, what about Rachel? I mean how are we even gonna ask her?
 Rachel: Ask me what?
 Monica: Umm, if ah, it might be okay if Ross came skiing?
 Chandler, Phoebe, and


 The One With The Hypnosis Tape
 The One With The Hypnosis Tape
 Written by: Seth Kurland
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, all but Chandler are there, Joey laughs for no apparent reason.]
 Monica: (to Joey) What's so funny?
 Joey: Oh, nothing, no. It's an acting exercise, I'm practising my fake
 laugh.
 Monica: Oh. (she laughs)
 Joey: What-what's so funny?
 (Chandler enters with a cigarette.)
 Gunther: (to Chandler) Oh, no-no, no-no-no, there's none of that in here.
 Chandler: Oh come on man! At least let me finish this last one.
 Gunther: Okay, but only if you give me a drag.
 Chandler: Okay.
 (Chandler hands him the cigarette, and he takes a long drag.)
 Gunther: Oh dark mother, once again I suckle at your smokey tit. (hands Chandler
 back the cigarette.)
 Chandler: No-no, why don't you hang on to that one.
 (He goes and sits down next to Rachel and puts a cigarette in his mouth, which Rachel
 takes away from him. He puts another cigarette in his mouth, and Rachel takes it away
 again.)
 Chandler: Okay, that's like the least fun game ever.
 Rachel: Well, I'm really sick of your smoking, so I brought something that
 is going to help you quit. (hands him an audio cassette)
 Chandler: Oh. (takes the cassette and puts it on his arm like the stop smoking
 patch, and it falls off.) Nope, that patch is no good. (Joey and Monica both do their fake
 laughs.)
 Rachel: Come on, it's a hypnosis tape. This woman at work used it for two
 weeks straight and she hasn't smoked since.
 Ross: Pffhah.
 Rachel: (to Ross) What's your problem?
 Ross: Nothing, it's just that hypnosis is beyond crap.
 Rachel: Ross, I watched you get hypnotised in Atlantic City.
 Ross: Hey, that guy did not hypnotise me! Okay.
 Rachel: Oh right,  cause you always pull your pants down at the count of
 three and play Wipe-out on your butt cheeks.
 Phoebe: All right, y'know forget hypnosis. The way to quit smoking is you have
 to dance naked in a field of heather, and then bath in the sweat of six healthy young men.
 Chandler: Or what my Father called Thursday night.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier, Ross is handing Rachel a cup of coffee.]
 Ross: Here you go.
 Rachel: Oh, y'know what, I didn't want cinnamon on this.
 Ross: Sorry. (To remedy that, Ross scoops the cinnamon off of the top with his
 hand.)
 Frank: (entering) Hi!
 Phoebe: Oh my God!!
 Frank: Hi!
 Phoebe: Frank! Hi!
 Frank: How are you?
 Phoebe: What are you doing here?
 Frank: Oh, well y'know, I would've called but I lost your phone number and
 then ah, my Mom locked me out of the house so I couldn't find it. And then, I tried
 to find a pay phone, and ah, the receiver was cut off. So...
 Phoebe: What happened?
 Frank: Ah, oh, the ah, vandalism.
 Phoebe: But, also, what happened between you and your Mom?
 Frank: Well, we got into a fight  cause ah, she said I was to immature to
 get married.
 Phoebe: Your getting married?!
 Frank: Oh, yeah!
 All: Wow!
 Phoebe: My little brother's getting married!!
 Frank: Oh, I knew you'd be so cool about this. All right, ah, hey, do you
 want to meet her?
 Phoebe: Do I?
 Frank: Do you?
 Phoebe: Yeah, I do, yeah.
 Frank: Okay, cool, all right, she just ah, parking the truck. (to Joey) I'm
 gonna, I'm gonna get my ah, my fiancee man!
 Chandler: Y'know, I would've bet good money that he'd be the first one
 of us to get married.
 Phoebe: Yeah, isn't it fantastic?
 Monica: Yeah, ah, but Pheebs don't you think he's a little young to
 get married?
 Phoebe: What, he's 18.
 Ross: Exactly, it'll be illegal for him to drink at his own bachelor party.
 Joey: Yeah, or-or to get a hooker.
 Chandler: Always illegal Joe.
 Frank: (entering with his fiancee Alice, who is obviously much, much older than
 he is) Hey! Hey! This is ah, my fiancee, Mrs. Knight. (he points out Phoebe to her)
 Alice: Y'know it-it's funny, um, Frank told me so much about you, but your
 not how I pictured you at all.
 Phoebe: Yeah, I'm a big surprise.
 (Ross lets them both sit in his chair.)
 Monica: So, um, how-how did you guys meet?
 Frank: Well um, I was in ah Mrs. Knight's ah, I mean Alice, sorry, Alice, I
 always do that. I was in her ah, Home Ec class.
 Alice: And he was my best student.
 Frank: Yeah, she was my best teacher.
 Alice: Ohhh. (They embrace in a very passionate kiss.)
 Chandler: If that doesn't keep kids in school, what will?
 Ross: And so now you guys are gonna be married?
 Alice: Yeah. Y'know we-we talked about just living together, but um, we want to
 have kids right away.
 (Both Chandler and Phoebe have shocked looks on their faces.)


Rachel: Oh my God!! Great!
 Phoebe: Wow, kids. Frank, are you sure you're ready for that?
 Frank: I mean, how hard can it be? Y'know, I mean, y'know, babies, y'know who
 doesn't want babies right? And besides y'know, I never had a Dad around, and ah,
 now-now I always will,  cause y'know, it'll be me. Right?
 Alice: Y'know, I mean, really we do realise that there's an age difference
 between us.
 Phoebe: Oh good! Okay.  Cause you were acting like you didn't.
 Alice: Oh no, but when it comes to love, what does age matter?
 (They both growl and hiss at each other and then kiss passionately again.)
 [Scene: Chandler's bedroom, Chandler is listening to the hypnosis tape.]
 Hypnosis Tape: You are falling fast asleep. Deeper. Deeper. Deeper. You are now
 completely asleep. You don't need to smoke. Cigarettes don't control you. You
 are a strong, confident woman, who does not need to smoke. A strong, confident woman.
 [Scene: The Moondance Diner, Monica is working, Rachel is having lunch.]
 Monica: And y'know what, I just realised, in the last year I've only gone
 out with two guys, Richard and Julio. You gotta help me out here, you gotta set me up, you
 gotta get me back in the game.
 Rachel: Well, that shouldn't be a problem. I mean I work in fashion and all
 I meet are eligible straight men.
 Monica: (to a customer) Pete, can I get you something else?
 Pete: Yeah, a slice of cheesecake and-and a date if you're given'
  em out.
 Monica: Haven't you and I covered that topic?
 Pete: Hmm, come on, you just said to her that you .
 Monica: Aww, the only reason you want to go out with me because my blond wig,
 and the big boobs, and the fact that I serve you food.
 Pete: Well, if that were true, I'd dating my Aunt Ruth. And the two times
 we went out were just plain awkward. (to Rachel) Come on, you think she should go out with
 me, don't you?
 Rachel: (laughs) Well, I mean, are you sure you want to go out with her? I mean
 that ain't a pretty picture in the morning, y'know what I mean. That wig all in
 disarray, and boobs flung over the night stand, y'know.
 Monica: I mean really, think about it.
 Pete: Ho-ho, I will.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Joey are being lectured by Phoebe.]
 Phoebe: No, I know, I know, that this is Frank's life, (walks behind them,
 they turn around in the leather chairs to face her) y'know. Y'know, I don't want to
 be all judgmental, y'know, but this is sick, it's sick and wrong!
 Ross: Pheebs, what, is it the age thing?
 Phoebe: No-no, oh, I'm fine with the age thing y'know, until it starts
 sticking it's tongue down my little brother's throat!
 Joey: Pheebs, he seems to enjoy it.
 Phoebe: But, I mean, do you think he's gonna enjoy it when he's up to
 his elbows in the diapers from all the babies they have to have right away?! This is not
 fair to Frank, (she walks behind them again, and hey again turn to follow her) and
 it-it's not fair to the babies, and y'know what, it's not good home economics.
 Joey: Well, have-have you told him how you feel?
 Phoebe: Yes. Not out loud.
 Ross: Pheebs, if you don't tell him, soon he's gonna be married, and
 then you're gonna hate yourself.
 Phoebe: Yeah, but if I do tell him, then he's gonna hate myself. I mean
 look at him and his Mom, I can't. (pause) But, you guys can, please you gotta talk
 him out of it.
 Ross and Joey: No-no-no-no-no. (They start to turn away, but Phoebe stops them,
 and turns them back to face her.)
 Phoebe: Come on, you guys, you have nothing to lose, I have everything to lose.
 Do you want me to lose everything? Everything?!
 Ross and Joey: No.
 Phoebe: Okay, I'm gonna go get Frank. (exits)
 Joey: So, we're walking down the street and I turn to you and I say,
 'Hey, let's go hang out at Totally Nude Nudes,' remember? And then, and
 then, you turn to me and say, 'Nah, let's just hang out at your place.'
 Well, that was a nice move dumb ass.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Monica are entering.]
 Rachel: I think you should definitely go out with this guy.
 Monica: Nah, he doesn't do anything for me.
 Rachel: Monica, last Saturday night, what happened on Walker: Texas Ranger?
 Monica: Well, umm, Walker was looking for this big bus load of kids .
 (realises) All right, I get your point.
 Rachel: All right.
 Chandler: (entering, carrying a briefcase) Hi.
 Monica: Hey.
 Chandler: Y'know, I forgot the combination to this about a year ago? I just
 carry it around. Do you have any Chap Stick?
 Monica: Uh, yeah.
 Rachel: Hey, how are those tapes working out for ya?


Chandler: Y'know what, pretty good.
 Rachel: Yeah?
 Chandler: Good! I haven't smoked yet today, I feel great, and-and-and
 confident, that is a stunning blouse.
 Rachel: Thank you.
 Monica: Here you go.
 Chandler: Thanks
 Rachel: Hey Mon, let's give Pete a chance Come on, he was funny, he seems
 really nice, and that check thing was adorable.
 Chandler: What check thing?
 Monica: As a joke, this customer at work who has a crush on me gave me a $20,000
 tip. His number is on the check, he just did so I'd call him.
 Chandler: (reading the check) Pete Becker. Pete  (quickly grabs a magazine
 and opens it up to show her a picture) (pointing to the picture) Is this him?
 Monica: That's Bill Clinton.
 Chandler: Who's he huggin'?
 Monica: Oh my God! That's Pete! But why is Bill huggin' Pete?
 Chandler: This guy invented Moss 865! Every office in the world uses that
 program!
 Rachel: We use it!!
 Chandler: There you go!!
 Rachel: Oh my God, Monica's gonna go out with a millionaire.
 Monica: I'm not gonna go out with him.
 Rachel: Oh my God, I can't believe this is a real $20,000 check, oh this is
 just so exciting.
 Monica: Or incredibly offensive.
 Rachel: Oh yeah, sure, that too.
 (Chandler is putting on the Chap Stick the same way that women put on lipstick,
 including the bit with the piece of tissue.)
 Chandler: (to the girls who are staring at him) What?
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Joey are talking to Frank.]
 Ross: All we're saying is don't rush into anything.
 Joey: Yeah, come on, think about it. You're 18, okay, she's 44, when
 you're 36, she's gonna be 88.
 Frank: What, you don't think I know that?
 Joey: Look, the point is, there's a lot of women out there you haven't
 even had sex with yet!
 Ross: Yeah, he-he's right, he's right. This is your time y'know, yeah,
 you're young, you're-you're weird, chicks dig that.
 Frank: Okay, but isn't sex better when it's with one person that you
 really, really care about.
 Joey: Yeah, in a poem maybe.
 Ross: No the man's right, that's what I had with Rachel.
 Frank: You don't have it anymore?
 Ross: No, I ah, I slept with someone else.
 Frank: Okay, so wait, all right, so how does that make things better?
 Ross: It didn't.
 Frank: Okay, so what you used to have with Rachel, is what I've got with
 Alice.
 Joey: Now, wh-what, what is that like?
 Frank: It's so cool man, it's so, it's just  cause being
 with her is so much better than like not being with her.
 Ross: Yeah, yeah.
 Joey: (to Ross) Why can't I find that?
 Ross: Don't ask me, I had it and I blew it!
 Joey: Well, I want it!
 Frank: You can have it!
 Joey: I don't know, maybe I can't. I mean, maybe there's
 something wrong with me.
 Ross: Oh, no! No!
 Frank: It's out there man! I've seen it! I got it!!
 Joey: Then you hold on to it!!
 Frank: All right, man!!
 Joey: All right, congratulations you lucky bastard! (hugs him)
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, it's after Ross and Joey's talk with Frank, and
 Phoebe's is finding out what happened.]
 Phoebe: (to Joey) You're Frank's best man?!
 Joey: I couldn't help it, there love is so pure.
 Phoebe: Well then, (to Ross) what about you?! Huh?!
 Ross: I'm the ring bearer.
 (As Phoebe stands there in shock and disbelief, Chandler comes out of the bathroom and
 walks to his bedroom. He's just got out of the shower and has the towel wrapped
 around himself high across his chest, and another towel wrapped around his head, like
 women wear towels. Joey watches Chandler wondering what the hell he's doing.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Phoebe's, Phoebe is opening the door.]
 Phoebe: Hi! Oh, Alice, hi! Thanks. I'm so glad you could come,  cause
 I've got a real umm, Home Ec emergency. (Points to the table cloth, which has a huge
 mustard stain on it.)
 Alice: Oh my God, who died on this?!
 Phoebe: Yeah, I know. It's a real mustard-tastrophe. Can you help me?
 Alice: Absolutely. Okay, first we'll start with a little club soda and
 salt, and then if that doesn't work we can go back to
 Phoebe: Y'know what, forget it. It's ruined.
 Alice: Oh no-no, never say that. If we can't get it out then we can cut
 around the stain, add a little lace, you make a stylish throw.
 Phoebe: Or instead, maybe you could just not marry my brother Frank.
 [Scene: Pete's office, he is participating in a conference call with three other
 employees, each of whom are on a different TV screen that he controls with a remote.]
 Pete: Okay, that's great, but can we make it smaller? Can we make it fit on
 the head of a pin? I love when we make things fit on the head of a pin.
 All: Got it. Yeah all right. Yeah, okay.
 (The intercom buzzes.)
 Secretary: You have a Miss Monica Geller here.
 Pete: Uh, absolutely, yeah, sEnd her in. (Monica enters) Hi.


Monica: What the hell is this? (holding up the check)
 Pete: Hang on a second. (to the employees) I'll-I'll talk to you in
 the morning. (turns two of the three off) I'm sorry what?
 Monica: Seriously, what is this supposed to mean?
 Pete: Well, y'know, I never know how much to tip.
 Monica: You're supposed to double the tax. Not double the tax of Romania. I
 mean, what's-what's the deal? Are you, are you trying to buy me? Is this the way
 you get girls to go out with you?
 Employee: Umm, I'm still here.
 Pete: (turns off the TV) You're taking this all wrong. Because, if I
 didn't leave you that tip, you wouldn't of come down here, we wouldn't be
 having this argument, and there wouldn't be this ah, heat between us.
 Monica: What?!
 Pete: Come on, you gotta admit that our relationship is ah, is hitting a new
 level now.  Cause you used to be like the chef, and I was the customer, and now
 we're like this-this couple that fights.
 Monica: Okay, umm, you're a loon.
 Pete: Look, forget the check, okay. (rips up the check) I like you. I think
 you're great. Come on, what do you say?
 Monica: I don't know.
 Pete: Why not?
 Monica:  Cause I don't want to encourage this kind of behaviour.
 Pete: One meal! That's all I'm asking for. Please? We go out, we eat,
 and if you don't have a good time, I give you ten grand, we call it even.
 [Scene: Phoebe's, she is coming home. She turns on the lights, and sits down on
 the couch.]
 Frank: (hiding under a pile of clothes) Hi. (She jumps up screaming.) Wait, no!
 Just put the mail down. It's-it's me!
 Phoebe: Okay. Whoa, sorry. Why were you just like all in the dark?
 Frank: Oh well, um, your, your laundry just smelled so good, that I thought
 I'd curl up in it. Is that all right?
 Phoebe: Oh, yeah, sure. So, how was your day?
 Frank: Oh, well just probably the worst one since I've been alive.
 Phoebe: What umm, what happened?
 Frank: Umm, Alice ah, she ah, called it off.
 Phoebe: Oh no. Did umm, did she say why?
 Frank: Uh, no, not really, just that I was too young, y'know, but I don't
 see how I could all of the sudden be too young,  cause I'm older than I was when
 we first got together.
 Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, no, I don't, I don't know. But, y'know what, maybe
 it's just all for the best?
 Frank: Yeah, if the best is like unbelievable pain!
 Phoebe: Oh, sweetie, oh. (hugs him)
 Frank: Y'know, I just was finally happy y'know. For the first time in my life!
 After my Dad left me, and then, and then getting arrested for stealing those birds, and
 then, and then the whole punctured lung thing! I can, it's still really hard to take
 deep breaths in cold weather, but with Alice all that stuff kinda went away. And now
 it's, and now it's gone and I don't know why!
 Phoebe: Uh, well I can tell you why. It's, it's because of me. But,
 y'know what, I only did it because I love you. Okay?
 Frank: What?
 Phoebe: Umm, well I, I kinda had a little chat with Alice, and I sort of made
 her see why you two shouldn't be together, y'know. And you're gonna see it to,
 one day, you really, really will.
 Frank: Wait a minute, wait, this is because of you?
 Phoebe: Okay.
 Frank: Well, you, wait no, my Mother didn't want us to be together, but the
 worst thing she ever did was tie me to the porch.
 Phoebe: Okay, but.
 Frank: Wait, y'know what, I-I came to you because I thought you'd
 understand! Oh no!! Y'know, I would storm out of here right now if-if I had some money, or
 a place to go
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is getting Monica ready for her date. The guys are
 also there. The door buzzes.]
 Rachel: Oh my God! The millionaire's here!
 Chandler: (in a feminine way) Oh my God! (and he jumps all around)
 Monica: Guys, please, I'm just gonna have dinner with him. Okay?
 Chandler: Okay, okay, just because he buys you dinner, does not mean you owe him
 anything.
 Monica: I know!!
 Chandler: Okay, then get the lobster!
 Monica: (opening the door) (to Pete) Hey!
 Pete: Hi.
 Rachel: Hi!!
 Joey: Hey!
 Ross: Hi!
 (They're all staring at him, with big, huge smiles on their faces.)
 Joey: Hey, how much cash do you got in your pocket right now?
 Monica: And that's why, I'm not inviting you in for a drink. (starts
 to leave) Bye.
 All: Oh-no-no-no-no .
 Rachel: Just one drink?!
 Monica: (in the hallway) So, where do you want to go?
 Pete: Hey, you like pizza?
 Monica: Oh, that's sounds great.
 Pete: I know a great little place.
 [Cut to a shot of the coliseum in Rome, Italy.]
 [Scene: A restaurant in Rome, Monica is paying for the pizza.]
 Pete: You're, hey, you're not paying for the pizza!


 The One With The Tiny T-shirt
 The One With The Tiny T-shirt
 Written by: Adam Chase
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is pouring Rachel coffee.]
 Gunther: Here you go.
 Rachel: Thank you.
 Gunther: (In his head) Say Rachel, I was wondering if you'd like to go
 to a movie with me sometime. As my lover! Nnnsch, to out there. Maybe you'd just like
 to ah, get something to eat with me sometime? As my lover.
 Mark: (entering) Hi!
 Rachel: Hi! All right, let's go shoppin'!!
 Mark: Um, y'know, before we go ah, there's something I need to say.
 Rachel: Oh, okay.
 Mark: I've kinda of had this ah, this crush on you. (Rachel is shocked) But
 since you were with Ross, I-I didn't do anything about it. But, now that you're
 not, I'd really like to ask you out sometime. So-so that's-that's what
 I'm doing, now.
 (Gunther gets this hurt expression on his face and goes into the back room)
 Rachel: Wow! Umm....
 (She's interrupted by a loud crash and the sound of braking dishes. Followed
 quickly by another crash. Everyone turns and looks at the back room, as Gunther emerges.)
 Gunther: I dropped a cup.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: The hallway between the two apartments, Pete and Monica are returning from
 their date.]
 Pete: ...so y'know, that's why, within a few years, that voice recognition
 is gonna be pretty much standard on any computer you buy. Y'know, so you could be
 like-like,  Wash my car.'  Clean my room.' It's not gonna be able
 to do any of those things, but it'll understand what you're saying.
 Monica: Oh, this is so great.
 Pete: Yeah, it was.
 Monica: All right then. (He leans in to kiss her goodnight, but she quickly
 kisses him on the cheek and pats his shoulder.) Bye.
 (She goes into her apartment and sees Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross sitting there.)
 Monica: Hello, people who do not live here.
 All: Hi! Hello!
 Monica: I gave you a key for emergencies!
 Phoebe: We were out of Doritos.
 Ross: Hey, how'd the date go with Mr. Millionaire?
 Chandler: Mr. Millionaire, new from Snooty Playthings! Third wife sold
 separately.
 Monica: He's great! I mean we have such a good time together! He's so
 funny, and sooo sweet, and I'm not attracted to him at all!!
 Ross: Still?!
 Monica: Noo!! It's driving me crazy. I mean every other way he's like
 the perfect guy, he has everything. Plus! He actually has everything.
 Chandler: Life-sized Imperial Storm Troopers from Sharper Image?
 Monica: Two.
 Chandler: Wow!! Can Joey and I put them on and fight?
 Joey: (entering, dancing and singing) Oh mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old
 baddie! Oh mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie! (He dances around the dinner table
 and exits)
 Ross: I guess he musta gotten the part in that play.
 Monica and Phoebe: Oh.
 Chandler: Yeah, either that, or Gloria Estefan was right, eventually, the rhythm
 is going to get you.
 [Scene: A Theatre, Joey is arriving to rehearse the play he's in.]
 The Director: Joe. How's it going?
 Joey: Good. (He sets his stuff down and starts talking to Kate, another cast
 member.) Hey.
 Kate: Hi.
 Joey: Oh, so you're playing Adrienne, huh?
 Kate: Yes. Are you one of the retarded cousins?
 Joey: Oh, no. Ah, I playing your husband, Victor. I'm Joey Tribianni.
 Kate: Hi, nice to meet you. Kate Miller.
 (She goes over to the snack table, and Joey quickly runs over and pours her a cup of
 coffee.)
 Joey: So the ah, play's pretty great, huh?
 Kate: Oh, yeah. I love Jennifer Van Murray's work. She's so
 brilliantly incisive when it comes to deconstructing the psyche of the American middle
 class.
 Joey: Oh, forget about it. She rocks!
 Kate: Where do I know you from?
 Joey: Dr. Drake Remoray. Days of Our Lives. Voted most datable
 neurosurgeon by Teen Beat.
 Kate: No, that's not it. So, you're a soap actor? Well this must be
 pretty exciting for you to be in a real play, hmm?
 Joey: Hey, I've done plays before. I'm a serious actor.
 Kate: That info-mercial! For the milk carton spout thing!
 You're-you're-you're the guy that doesn't know how to pour milk!!
 Joey: See, I actually can pour milk, but I got you believing that I
 couldn't. Now, see, that's acting.
 Kate: Right, at the end, you choked on a cookie.
 Joey: Yeah, that was real.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is telling Phoebe about Mark, as Gunther eavesdrops behind
 them.]
 Phoebe: Wow! I cannot believe Mark asked you out.
 Rachel: I know.
 Phoebe: What, so what are you gonna tell him?
 Rachel: Well, I told him I would think about it, but I'm gonna tell him no.
 Phoebe: Huh.
 (Gunther tries to swoop in to ask Rachel out.)
 Rachel: I mean I think I'd say no to anybody right now. (Hearing this
 Gunther swoops back to cleaning tables.) Oh, but it was so strange. I mean I'm
 standing there with this charming, cute guy, who's asking me to go out with him,
 which I'm allowed to do, and I felt guilty. Y'know, like I'd be cheating on Ross
 or something.