Joey: (to Phoebe and Rachel) Yeah, someplace nice.
 Rachel: Yeah!
 Joey: How much do you think I can get for my kidney?
 [Scene: Central Perk, Jade is waiting for Bob to show while Ross and Chandler look on.]
 Ross: I'm tellin' you. You can't do this.
 Chandler: Oh, come on. I can never get a girl like that with conventional
 methods.
 Ross: That doesn't matter. She wanted to call Bob. Hey, for all we know, Bob is
 who she was meant to be with. You may be destroying two people's chance for happiness.
 Chandler: We don't know Bob! Okay? We know me. We like me. Please let me
 be happy.
 Ross: Go over there and tell that woman the truth.
 Chandler: All right. (He gets up, but swings around the pole back to their
 table.)
 Ross: Go.
 (He walks over to Jade.)
 Chandler: Hi.
 Jade: Hi.
 Chandler: Listen, I have to, uh, um, I have to, I have to confess something.
 Jade: Yes?
 Chandler: Whoever stood you up is a jerk.
 Jade: How did you...
 Chandler: I don't know. (He sits down.) I just had this weird sense. You know,
 but that's me. I'm weird and sensitive. Tissue? (Holds out one of this small packs.)
 Jade: Thanks.
 Chandler: No, you keep the pack. I'm all cried out today.
 (He looks over at Ross who glares at him.)
 [Scene: A Restaurant, everyone except Chandler is seated at a table.]
 Ross: Ok, (holding up his glass) ok, here is to my sister, the newly-appointed
 head lunch chef...
 Monica: Who is also in charge of purchasing.
 Ross: Newly appointed head lunch chef who is also in charge of purchasing...
 Monica: Who has her own little desk when Roland's not there.
 Ross: Uh, lunch chef, purchasing, own little desk when Roland's not there.
 Here's to my little sister--
 Monica: Oh, wait, and I got a beeper!
 Joey: Cool.
 Phoebe: Let's see!
 Ross: That's fine, I'll-I'll just wait!
 Monica: Oh, sorry.
 Joey: Sorry, sorry.
 Ross: Monica!
 (They clink their glasses.)
 Waiter: Are we ready to order?
 Rachel: Oh, you know what, we haven't even looked yet.
 Waiter: Well, when you do, just let me know. I'll be right over there on the
 edge of my seat.
 Phoebe: (to Joey and Rachel) Wow, look at these prices.
 Rachel: Yeah, these are pretty ch-ching.
 Joey: What are these, like famous chickens?
 Chandler: Hey, sorry I'm late. Congratulations, Mon. (to Ross) I'm not sorry I'm
 late. How incredible was my afternoon with Jade?
 Ross: (to Chandler behind their menus) Well, pretty incredible according to the
 message she left you on my machine. Hey, Chandler, why is this woman leaving a message for
 you on my machine?
 Chandler: Oh, see, I had to tell her that my number was your number, because I
 couldn't tell her that my number was my number because she thinks that my number is Bob's
 number.
 Ross: Hey, tell me again, what do I do when Mr. Roper calls?
 Waiter: Do I dare ask?
 Monica: Yes, I will start with the carpaccio, and then I'll have the grilled
 prawns.
 Ross: That sounds great. Same for me.
 Waiter: And for the gentleman?
 Joey: Yeah, I'll have the Thai chicken pizza. But, hey, look, if I get it
 without the nuts and leeks and stuff, is it cheaper?
 Waiter: You'd think, wouldn't you? Miss?
 Rachel: Ok, I will have the uh, (whispers) side salad.
 Waiter: (whispers) And what will that be on the side of?
 Rachel: Uh, I don't know. Why don't you put it right here next to my water?
 Waiter: And for you?
 Phoebe: Um, I'm gonna have a cup of the cucumber soup, and, um, take care.
 Chandler: I will have the uh, Cajun catfish.
 Waiter: Anything else?
 Chandler: Yes, how 'bout a verse of Killing Me Softly. You're gonna
 sneeze on my fish, aren't you?
 [Time lapse, everyone has finished dinner and Ross is figuring out the bill.]
 Ross: (using calculator) Plus tip, divided by six. Ok, everyone owes 28 bucks.
 Chandler: Okay.
 Rachel: Um, everyone?
 Ross: Oh, you're right, I'm sorry.
 Joey: Thank you.
 Ross: Monica's big night, she shouldn't pay.
 Monica: Oh, thank you!
 Ross: So five of us is, $33.50 apiece.
 Phoebe: No, huh uh, no way, I'm sorry, not gonna happen.
 Chandler: Whoa, whoa, prom night flashback.
 Phoebe: I'm sorry, Monica, I'm really happy you got promoted, but cold cucumber
 mush for thirty-something bucks? No! Rachel just had that-that-that salad, and, and Joey
 with his like teeny pizza! It's just...
 Ross: Ok, Pheebs! How 'bout we'll each just pay for what we had. It's no big
 deal.
 Phoebe: Not for you.
 Monica: All right, what's goin' on?
 Rachel: (to Joey and Phoebe) Ok, look you guys, I really don't want to get into
 this right now. I think it'll just make everyone uncomfortable.


Phoebe: Fine. All right, fine.
 Joey: Yeah.
 Chandler: You can tell us.
 Ross: Hello, it's us, all right? It'll be fine.
 Monica: Yeah!
 Joey: (clearing his throat a lot) Ok, um, uh, we three feel like, that uh,
 sometimes you guys don't get that uh... (Pause) We don't have as much money as you.
 Monica: Ok.
 Ross: I hear ya.
 Chandler: We can talk about that.
 Phoebe: Well, then...Let's.
 Ross: Well umm I, I just never think of money as an issue.
 Rachel: That's 'cause you have it.
 Ross: That's a good point.
 Chandler: So um, how come you guys haven't talked about this before?
 Joey: 'Cause it's always somethin', you know, like with Monica's new job, or the
 whole Ross's birthday hoopla.
 Ross: Wha Whoa, hey, I don't want my birthday to be the source of any kind
 of negative there's gonna be a hoopla?
 Rachel: Basically, there's the thing, and then there's the stuff after the
 thing.
 Monica: If it makes anybody feel better, then we can just forget the thing, and
 we'll just do the gift.
 Ross: G-gift? The thing's not the gift?
 Chandler: No, the thing was, we were gonna go see Hootie and the Blowfish.
 Ross: Hootie and the oh my. I, I can catch them on the radio.
 Phoebe: No, now I feel bad. You wanna go to the concert.
 Ross: No, look, hey, it's my birthday, and the important thing is that we all be
 together.
 Monica: All of us.
 Chandler: Together.
 Ross: Not at the concert.
 Rachel: Ok.
 Joey: Yeah.
 Rachel: Thank you.
 Joey: Thanks.
 Phoebe: Yeah.
 (An awkward silence ensues.)
 Chandler: So, the ebola virus. That's gotta suck, huh?
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel are sitting in the living room as
 Monica, who's holding a bag, Ross, and Chandler stand before them.]
 Chandler: Gee, Monica, what's in the bag?
 Monica: I don't know, Chandler. Let's take a look.
 Phoebe: Oh, it's like a skit.
 Monica: Why, it's dinner for six. 5 steaks, and an eggplant for Phoebe.
 Ross: Whoo!
 Phoebe: Cool.
 Monica: Yeah, we switched meat suppliers at work, and the new guys gave me the
 steaks as sort of a thank you.
 Ross: But wait, there's more. Hey, Chandler, what is in the envelope?
 Chandler: (to the others) By the way, this didn't seem so dorky in the hall.
 Ross: Come on.
 Chandler: Why, it's six tickets to Hootie and the Blowfish! (Pause) The
 Blowfish!
 Monica: It's on us, all right, so don't worry. It's our treat.
 Phoebe: So...Thank you.
 Ross: Could you be less enthused?
 Joey: Look, it's a nice gesture, it is. But it just feels like...
 Monica: Like?
 Joey: Charity.
 Monica: Charity?
 Ross: We're just tryin' to do a nice thing here.
 Rachel: Ross, you have to understand that your nice thing makes us feel this
 big. (Holds her thumb and forefinger a short distance apart.)
 Phoebe: Actually, it makes us feel that big. (She squeezes Rachel's thumb and
 forefinger closer together.)
 Ross: I don't, I don't understand. I mean, you, it's like we can't win with you
 guys.
 Chandler: If you guys feel this big (imitates Rachel's gesture), maybe that's
 not our fault. Maybe that's just how you feel.
 Joey: Oh, now you're tellin' us how you feel.
 Rachel: Ok, we never shoulda talked about this.
 Phoebe: I'm just gonna pass on the concert, 'cause I'm just not in a very Hootie
 place right now.
 Rachel: Me neither.
 Joey: Me too.
 Monica: Guys, we bought the tickets.
 Phoebe: Oh, well, then you'll have extra seats y'know, for all your tiaras and
 stuff.
 Chandler: (to Phoebe) Why did you look at me when you said that?
 Monica: Well, I guess now we can't go.
 Rachel: What? Come on, you do what you want to do. Do we always have to do
 everything together?
 Monica: You know what? You're right.
 Phoebe: Fine.
 Ross: Fine. (Exits)
 Joey: Fine.
 Chandler: Fine. (Exits)
 Rachel: Fine.
 Monica: All right. We're gonna go. (Exits, then comes back in) It's not for
 another six hours. We're gonna go then.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is standing at the fridge as Ross enters hiding
 Chandler behind the door.]
 Ross: Chandler!
 Chandler: (startling Ross) Yeah?
 Ross: Geez! Are you ready?
 Chandler: Yes. Yes! Just let me grab my jacket and tell you I had sex today.
 Ross: Whoa! You had sex today?
 Chandler: Wow, it sounds even cooler when somebody else says it. I was awesome,
 ok? She was biting her lip to stop from screaming.
 Ross: Wow!
 Chandler: Now I know it's been awhile, but I took it as a good sign.
 (The phone rings and Chandler doesn't answer it.)
 Ross: Still doing the screening thing?
 Chandler: I had sex today. I never have to answer that phone again.
 Machine: Here comes the beep, you know what to do.
 Jade: Hey, Bob, it's Jade. Listen, I just wanted to tell you that I was really
 hurt when you didn't show up the other day, and just so you know, I ended up meeting a
 guy.


Chandler: (answering the phone) Bob here.
 Jade: Oh, hi.
 Chandler: So, uh, you met someone, huh?
 Jade: Yes, yes, I did. In fact, I had sex with him 2 hours ago. (Chandler and
 Ross dance in joy.)
 Chandler: So, uh, how was he?
 Jade: Eh.
 (Pause)
 Chandler: Eh?
 Jade: Oh, Bob, he was nothing compared to you. I had to bite my lip to keep from
 screaming your name.
 Chandler: Well, that makes me feel so good.
 Jade: It was just so awkward and bumpy.
 Ross: (silently mouthing) Bumpy?
 Chandler: Well, maybe he had some kind of uh, new, cool style, that you're not
 familiar with. And uh maybe you have to get used to it.
 Jade: Well there really wasn't much time to get used to it, you know what I
 mean?
 (Chandler grimaces.)
 [Scene: The Concert, Ross, Monica, and Chandler are sitting in their seats looking at
 the three empty ones.]
 Monica: You know what? I'm not gonna be able to enjoy this.
 Ross: Yeah, I know, it's my birthday. We all should be here.
 Chandler: So, let's go.
 (They get up and start to leave, but the band starts to play.)
 Ross: Well maybe, you know, maybe we should stay for one song.
 Chandler: Yeah, I mean, it would be rude to them (the band) for us to leave now.
 Monica: You know, the guys are probably having a great time.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is trying to entertain Phoebe and Rachel.]
 Joey: (holding a hand behind his back) Come on you guys, one more time.
 Phoebe: Ok. One.
 Joey: Nooo. (He brings out his hand and is holding up two fingers.)
 [Scene: The Concert, the show has ended and everyone is starting to leave.]
 Monica: That was amazing!
 Ross: Excellent, that was excellent.
 Chandler: I can't believe the guys missed this.
 Ross: What guys? Oh, yeah.
 Young Man: Excuse me, you're Monica Geller aren't you?
 Monica: Do I know you?
 Young Man: You used to be my babysitter.
 Monica: Oh my god, little Stevie Fisher? How've you been?
 Steve: Good, good, I'm a lawyer now.
 Monica: You can't be a lawyer. You're eight.
 Steve: Listen, it was nice to see you. I gotta run backstage.
 Monica: Uh, wait, backstage?
 Steve: Oh, yeah, my firm represents the band.
 Ross: (introducing himself) Ross.
 Chandler: (introducing himself) Chandler.
 Steve: How are you? Look, you guys wanna meet the group? Come on. So, are you
 one of the ones who fooled around with my dad?
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey are there as Ross, Monica, and Chandler
 enter.]
 Ross: Hey, you guys.
 Rachel: Happy birthday.
 Ross: Oh, thank you, thanks. So uh, how was your night last night?
 Rachel: Oh, well, it pretty much sucked. How was yours?
 Monica: Yeah, ours pretty much sucked, oh, but, I did run into little Stevie
 Fisher. Remember him?
 Rachel: Oh yeah. I used to babysit him. Hey, how's his dad?
 Monica: Uh, good.
 Ross: Uh, aside from that, the whole evening was pretty much a bust.
 Chandler: Yeah, we really missed you guys.
 Joey: Yeah, look, we were just saying, this whole thing is so stupid.
 Phoebe: We just have to really, really, really, not let stuff like money
 get (notices something on Monica's neck) Is that a hickey?
 Monica: No, I just, I fell down.
 Rachel: On someone's lips? Where'd you get the hickey?
 Monica: You know, a party, or...
 Rachel: What party?
 Ross: It wasn't so much a party as a...a gathering of people, with food, and
 music, and, and the band.
 Joey: You partied with Hootie and the Blowfish?
 Chandler: Yes, apparently Stevie and Hootie are like this. (Holds up crossed
 fingers.)
 Rachel: Who gave you that hickey?
 Monica: That would be the work of a Blowfish.
 Rachel: Oh!
 Phoebe: Oh! I can't believe it. I can't believe this. We're just like, sitting
 at home, trying to guess Joey's fingers, and you guys are out like partying and having
 fun, and you know, all, 'Hey, Blowfish, suck on my neck'.
 Ross: Look, don't blame us. You guys coulda been there, you know.
 Rachel: What, as part of your poor friends outreach program?
 (Monica's pager goes off)
 Monica: Oh great, it's work. (To Ross) Can you hand me that? (Ross hands her the
 phone.)
 Chandler: I don't know what to say. I'm sorry that we make more money than you.
 But we're not gonna feel guilty about it. We work really hard for it.
 Joey: And we don't work hard?
 Monica: (on phone) Yeah, hi, it's Monica. I just got a page.
 Chandler: I'm just saying that sometimes we like to do stuff that costs a little
 more.
 Joey: And you feel like we hold you back.
 Chandler: Yes.
 Rachel: Oh!
 Chandler: No.
 (Everyone starts bickering.)
 Monica: Leon, Leon. Shhh! Guys. (They quiet down.) Wait, I don't understand.
 Those steaks were just a gift from the meat vendor. That was not a kick back. I'll just
 replace them and we can forget the whole thing. (Listens) What corporate policy? (Listens)
  No. (Listens) Yeah. (Listens) Okay. (Hangs up) I just got fired.


 The One With the Baby on the Bus
 The One With the Baby on the Bus
 Written by: Betsy Borns
 Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips
 With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Chandler, Joey, Ross and Ben are
 there. Ben is sitting in his little rocking seat.]
 Monica: Who da wenny-Benny boy? You the Wenny-wenny-Benny-Benny boy, yes. (Ben
 starts crying.) Don't cry. Don't cry. (To Ross) Why is he still crying?
 Ross: Let me hold him for a sec. There. (Ben stops crying) Huh? There we are.
 Monica: Maye it's me.
 Ross: Don't be silly. Ben loves you. He's just being Mr. Crankypants.
 Chandler: You know, I once dated a Miss Crankypants. Lovely girl, kinda moody.
 Ross: There we go. All better. (gives Ben back to Monica)
 Monica: There's my little boy. (Ben starts crying again)
 Chandler: Can I uh see something? (Takes Ben. When he puts him close to Monica,
 Ben cries. When he moves Ben away, he stops crying. He does that a couple times.)
 Joey: Cool.
 Monica: He hates me. My nephew hates me.
 Ross: Come on, don't do this.
 Monica: What if my own baby hates me? Huh? What am I gonna do then?
 Chandler: Monica, will you stop? This is nuts. Do you know how long it's gonna
 be before you actually have to deal with this problem? I mean, you don't even have a
 boyfriend yet. (Monica glares at him.) Joey, she does not look fat.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier. Chandler has a basketball.]
 Monica: (to Chandler) Here you go. (Sets a drink down in front of him.)
 Chandler: Oh hey Monica. (He holds the basketball in front of Monica.)
 Joey: (imitating Ben) Waah!! (Chandler moves the basketball away) Goo, goo, goo.
 (Chandler moves the basketball in front of Monica again.) Waaah!
 Monica: That is so funny. Let me see that a sec. (She throws the ball out the
 window)
 (Ross starts to make some gurgling sounds.)
 Joey: Are you ok, Ross?
 Ross: I don't know. What's in this pie?
 Monica: Uh, I don't know, butter, eggs, flour, lime, kiwi...
 Ross: Kiwi? Kiwi? You said it was a key lime pie.
 Monica: No I didn't, I said kiwi lime. That's what makes it so special.
 Ross: And that's what's gonna kill me. I'm allergic to kiwi.
 Monica: No you're not. You're, you're allergic to lobster and peanuts and...
 Ross: Ugh.
 Monica: Oh my god.
 Ross: Ugh. It's definitely getting worse.
 Monica: Is your tongue swelling up?
 Ross: Either that or my mouth is getting smaller.
 Monica: All right, get your coat, we're gonna go to the hospital.
 Joey: Is he gonna be ok?
 Monica: Yeah, he's just gotta get a shot.
 Ross: (sitting back down) You know, you know, actually it's getting better. It
 is. It is. Let's not go. Anyone for Thcrabble?
 Monica: Jacket now.
 Ross: What about Ben? We can't bring a baby to a hospital.
 Joey: We'll watch him.
 Ross: I don't think tho.
 Joey: What? I have seven Catholic sisters. I've taken care of hundreds of kids.
 Come on, we wanna do it, don't we?
 Chandler: Well, I was looking forward to playing basketball, but I guess that's
 out the window.
 Ross: Ok, well, if you do take him out for his walk, you might wanna bring his
 hat, and there's extra milk in the fridge, and there's extra diapers in the bag.
 Joey: Hat, milk, got it.
 Ross: ??? (speech garbled) Thro up a thro thro a thro thro!
 Joey: Consider it done.
 Chandler: You understood that?
 Joey: Yeah, my uncle Sal has a really big tongue.
 Chandler: Is he the one with the beautiful wife?
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is doing some cleaning as Phoebe sits on the couch with
 her guitar.]
 Phoebe: Hey Rach, wanna hear the new song I'm thinkin' of singing this
 afternoon? I wrote it this morning in the shower.
 Rachel: Ok.
 Phoebe: (singing) I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song. Stop me if
 you've heard it. My skin is soapy, and my hair is wet, and Tegrin spelled backward is
 Nirget.
 Terry: Uh, Rachel, sweetheart, could I see ya for a minute?
 Rachel: What's up?
 Terry: F.Y.I.. I've decided to pay a professional musician to play in here on
 Sunday afternoons. Her name is Stephanie... something. She's supposed to be very good.
 Rachel: But what about Phoebe?
 Terry: Rachel, it's not that your friend is bad, it's that she's so bad, she
 makes me want to put my finger through my eye into my brain and swirl it around.
 Rachel: Ok, ok, so you're not a fan, but I mean, come on, you cannot do this to
 her.
 Terry: Uh... (Points at Rachel.)
 Rachel: Oh, no no no no. Oh no no no no. I have to do this to her?
 Phoebe: (singing) Lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, and
 lather, rinse, repeat...as needed.
 [Scene: A Street, Chandler and Joey are loaded down with baby stuff, and Ben.]


Chandler: You know, I don't think we brought enough stuff. Did you forget to
 pack the baby's anvil?
 Joey: It's gonna be worth it. It's a known fact that women love babies, all
 right? Women love guys who love babies. It's that whole sensitive thing. Quick, aim him at
 that pack o' babes over there. Maybe one of them will break away. No, no wait, for get
 them, we got one, hard left. All right, gimme the baby.
 Chandler: No, I got him.
 Joey: No, seriously.
 Chandler: Oh, seriously you want him?
 Woman: Hello.
 Chandler and Joey: Hello.
 Woman: And who is this little cutie pie?
 Chandler: Well, don't, don't think me immodest, but, me?
 Joey: You wanna smell him?
 Woman: I assume we're talking about the baby now.
 Joey: Oh, yeah. He's got that great baby smell. Get a whiff of his head.
 Woman: (She smells his head.) I think my uterus just skipped a beat.
 Joey: (to Chandler) What'd I tell you? What'd I tell you?
 Woman: I think it's great you guys are doing this.
 Chandler: Well, we are great guys.
 Woman: You know, my brother and his boyfriend have been trying to
 adopt for three years. What agency did you two go through?
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel has just broken the news to Phoebe.]
 Phoebe: But, but this is my gig. This is where I play. My, my name is written
 out there in chalk. You know, you can't just erase chalk.
 Rachel: Honey, I'm sorry.
 Phoebe: And he's going to be paying this woman? Why doesn't he just give her
 like a throne, and a crown, and like a, you know, gold stick with a ball on top.
 Rachel: Terry is a jerk, ok? That's why we're always saying 'Terry's a
 jerk!' That's where that came from.
 Phoebe: Yeah, ok. You probably did everything you could.
 Rachel: Ok, you know what, lemme, let me just see what else I can do. (She goes
 over to Terry.) All right, look, look. Why don't you just let her go on after Stephanie
 whatever-her-name-is. I mean, you won't even be here. You don't pay her. It's not gonna
 cost you anything.
 Terry: I, I don't know.
 Rachel: Come on, Terry, I'll even clean the cappuccino machine.
 Terry: You don't clean the cappuccino machine?
 Rachel: Of course I clean it. I mean, I,I will cleeeean it. I mean, I will
 cleeeean it.
 Terry: Oh, all right, fine, fine, fine.
 (Rachel goes back to Phoebe.)
 Rachel: Done.
 Phoebe: Really?
 Rachel: Yeah. Who's workin' for you babe?
 Phoebe: Oh! Oh my god. This is so exciting. How much am I gonna get?
 Rachel: What?
 Phoebe: Well you said that he's paying the people who are playing.
 Rachel: Oh, no, no no. I meant that he's gonna be paying that other woman beause
 she's a professional.
 Phoebe: Well, I'm not gonna be the only one who's not getting paid.
 Rachel: Well, but Pheebs...
 Phoebe: No, huh uh, I'm sorry, no. No, I'm not some like sloppy second, charity
 band. You know what, there are thousands of places in this city where people would be
 happy to pay to hear me play.
 [Time Lapse, Phoebe is on the sidewalk in front of Central Perk singing.]
 Phoebe: (singing, angrily) When I play, I play for me, I don't need your
 charity. (Someone puts a coin in her guitar case) Thank you! La la la la la la la....
 [Scene: The Hospital, Ross and Monica are waiting for the doctor.]
 Ross: Well, there's no way I'm gonna get a shot. Maybe they can take the needle
 and thquirt it into my mouth, you know, like a thquirt gun.
 Doctor: (entering) Hello, there. I'm Dr. Carlin. I see someone's
 having an allergic reaction.
 Monica: Doctor, can I see you for just a minute please? My brother has a slight
 phobia about needles.
 Ross: (to Monica) Did you tell him about my thquirt gun idea?
 Monica: My brother, the PhD would like to know if there's any way to treat this
 orally.
 Doctor: No, under these circumstances it has to be an injection, and it has to
 be now.
 Ross: Tho?
 (Monica shakes her head.)
 Ross: Ohhh.
 Monica: That's good, have a seat. Um, the doctor says it's gotta be a needle.
 You're just gonna have to be brave, ok? Can you do that for me?
 Ross: Ok.
 Monica: Ok. Oh boy. You are doin' so good. You wanna squeeze my hand?
 Ross: Yes!
 Monica: Okay. (He grabs her hand.) All right, Ross, don't squeeze it so hard.
 Honey, really, don't squeeze it so hard! (The doctor puts in the needle.) Oh, Ross! Let go
 of my hand!
 [Scene: A Street, Chandler and Joey are still trying to pick up women with Ben.]
 Chandler: That's a good plan, Joe. Next time we wanna pick up women, we should
 just go to the park and make out. Taxi, taxi!


Joey: Hey, hey, look at that talent. (Motions to two girls waiting for the bus.)
 Chandler: (to taxi driver) Just practicing. You're good. Carry on.
 (Chandler and Joey run to get on the bus.)
 Chandler: Wait-wait-wait-wait!
 Joey: Wait! Wait!
 [Cut to on the bus.]
 Girl No. 1: Hey, you. He's just adorable.
 Chandler: Ok, but can you tell him that, because he thinks he's too pink.
 Girl No. 2: So what are you guys out doing today?
 Joey: Oh we're not out. No, no. We're just uh, two heterosexual guys, hanging
 with the son of our other heterosexual friend, doin' the usual straight guy stuff.
 Chandler: (to Joey) You done?
 Joey: Yeah.
 Girl No. 1: Oh, there's our stop.
 Joey: Get outta here. This is our stop too.
 Girl No. 2: You guys live around here too?
 Joey: Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. We live in the building by the uh sidewalk.
 Chandler: You know it?
 Joey: Hey, look, since we're neighbors and all, what do you say we uh, get
 together for a drink?
 (They all get off the bus.)
 Girl No. 1: So uh, you wanna go to Marquel's?
 Chandler: Oh, sure, they love us over there.
 Girl No. 2: Where's your baby?
 Chandler and Joey: (running after bus) Ben! Ben! Ben!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: The Street, continued from earlier. Chandler and Joey are
 still chasing the bus.]
 Joey: Ben!
 Chandler: Oh, that's good. Maybe he'll hear you and pull the cord.
 Chandler and Joey: Stop the bus! Wait! Wait! Wait!
 (They run around and corner and see three buses pulling away.)
 [The Hospital: Monica and Ross are getting Monica's hand looked at.]
 Monica: Are you sure he didn't break it because it really hurts?
 Doctor: No, it's just a good bone bruise. And, right here (pointing to the
 X-ray) is the puncture wound from your ring.
 Ross: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. Sorry. Sorry! Hey! Hey! I got my s's
 back! Which we can celebrate later. Celebrate.
 [Scene: Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is still singing.]
 Phoebe: (singing) ... with the double double double-jointed boy. (A
 woman carrying a guitar case walks up.) Hey. So um, are you the professional guitar
 player?
 Stephanie: Yeah. I'm Stephanie.
 Phoebe: Right. My name was on there (The chalk sign out front), but now it just
 says 'carrot cake'. So, um, so um, how many chords do you know?
 Stephanie: All of them.
 Phoebe: Oh yeah, so you know D?
 Stephanie: Yeah.
 Phoebe: Ok, do you know A minor?
 Stephanie: Yeah.
 Phoebe: Ok, do you know how to go from D to A minor?
 Stephanie: Yeah.
 Phoebe: Ok. Um, so does your guitar have a strap?
 Stephanie: No.
 Phoebe: Oh. Mine does. (singing) Stephanie knows all the chords. (makes
 a face)
 [Scene: A Street, Chandler and Joey are standing in front of a pay phone.]
 Chandler: (on pay phone) Come on, pick up, pick up! Hello? Transit Authority?
 Yes, hello. I'm doing research for a book, and I was wondering what someone might do if
 they left a baby on a city bus. (Listens) Yes I do realize that would be a very stupid
 character.
 Joey: (grabbing the phone) Hi, here's the deal. We lost a carseat on a bus
 today. It's white plastic, with a handle, and it fits onto a stroller. Oh, and there was a
 baby in it. (Listens) (to Chandler) He wants to talk to you again.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is introducing Stephanie.]
 Rachel: Ok, everybody, let's give a uh nice warm Central Perk welcome to...
 Phoebe: (outside singing angrily) Terry's a jerk, and he won't let me work,
 and I hate Central Perk!
 Rachel: Uh, to Stephanie Schiffer.
 Stephanie: Thank you. I'd like to start with a song that I wrote for the first
 man I ever loved. (singing) Zachary.
 Phoebe: (singing/screaming) You're all invited to bite me!
 [Scene: City of New York Department of Health Services, Chandler and Joey run in.]
 Chandler and Joey: Hi. We're the guys who called about the
 baby. We left the baby on ths bus. Is he here? Is he here?
 Health Services Guy: He's here. (Chandler and Joey hug each other in
 relief) I'm assuming one of you is the father.
 Chandler: That's me.
 Joey: I'm him.
 Chandler: Actually, uh, we're both the father. (Puts his arm around Joey)
 [Cut to a back room, Chandler and Joey run into it and over to two different cribs with
 two different babies.]
 Chandler and Joey: Oh, Ben! Hey, buddy!
 Chandler: Please tell me you know which one is our baby.
 Joey: Well, well that one has ducks on his t-shirt, and this one has clowns. And
 Ben was definitely wearing ducks.
 Chandler: Ok.
 Joey: Or clowns. Oh, oh wait. That one's definitely Ben. Remember, he had that
 cute little mole by his mouth.
 Chandler: Yeah?
 Joey: Yeah.


Chandler: Hey, Ben, remember us? Ok, the mole came off.
 Joey: Ahh!
 Chandler: What're we gonna do? What're we gonna do?
 Joey: Uh, uh, we'll flip for it. Ducks or clowns.
 Chandler: Oh, we're gonna flip for the baby?
 Joey: You got a better idea?
 Chandler: All right, call it in the air.
 Joey: Heads.
 Chandler: Heads it is.
 Joey: Yes! Whew!
 Chandler: We have to assign heads to something.
 Joey: Right. Ok, ok, uh, ducks is heads, because ducks have heads.
 Chandler: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is standing by the door and looking at Phoebe counting her
 money as Stephanie is singing.]
 Stephanie: (singing) Just call me angel of the monring. Angel!
 Just touch my cheek before you leave me. Oh baby. Just call me angel of the morning.
  Angel! And slowly turn away. I won't beg you to stay, with me.
 (Rachel goes outside.)
 Rachel: Hey.
 Phoebe: Oh, hi.
 Rachel: Here. I thought you might be cold. (Hands her a cup of coffee.)
 Phoebe: Thank you.
 Rachel: Whoa, look at you, you did pretty well.
 Phoebe: Eight dollars and 27 cents. But not really, 'cause I put in the first
 two, just to, you know, get the ball rolling, and to make myself feel better.
 Rachel: Do you?
 Phoebe: No. This whole like playing-for-money thing is so not good for me. You
 know, I don't know, when I sang 'Su-Su-Suicide,' I got a dollar seventy-five.
 But then, 'Smelly Cat,' I got 25 cents and a condom. So you know, now I just
 feel really bad for Smelly Cat.
 Rachel: Well, you know, honey, I don't think everybody gets Smelly Cat. You
 know, I mean, if all you've ever actually had are healthy pets, then, whoosh! (Waves her
 hand over her head.)
 Phoebe: It's not even that. I used to do my songs because it made me happy, but
 now it's like, it's just all about the money.
 Rachel: Well, people missed you in there. And in fact, there was actually a
 request for 'Smelly Cat.'
 Phoebe: Really? From who?
 Rachel: Well, from me. And I know it's not your big money song, but it's my
 favorite.
 (A kid runs up, who looks like, or will look a lot like Phoebe's brother.)
 Kid: Hi. Uh, did I accidentally drop a condom in your case? It's kind
 of an emergency.
 Phoebe: Yeah. Here you go.
 Kid: Thanks a lot. Hey Christine, I got it!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross are sitting on the couch.]
 Ross: I just wanna thank you for being there for me today. And I'm sorry I,I
 almost broke your hand.
 Monica: That's ok. I'm sorry I poisoned you.
 Ross: Yeah. Hey, remember the time I jammed that pencil into your hand?
 Monica: Remember it? What do you think this is, a freckle? (Points to her hand.)
 Ross: Oh.
 Monica: Wait, what about the time I hit you in the face with the Silvian's
 pumpkin?
 Ross: Oh, man. Oh, remember when I stuck that broom in your bike spokes, and you
 flipped over and hit your head on the curb?
 Monica: No. But I remember people telling me about it.
 Ross: I hope Ben has a little sister.
 Monica: Yeah. I hope she can kick his ass.
 Ross: I'm gonna get a new band-aid. Hey, how 'bout the time I cut the legs off
 your Malibu Ken?
 Monica: That was you?!
 Ross: They, uh, were infected. He wouldn't have made it.
 (Chandler and Joey enter with what they hope is Ben.)
 Monica: Aw, my little nephew. Come here, little one. There's my little baby Ben.
 Hey, my little boy. (She picks him up.) Hey, he's not crying.
 Chandler: (looking fearfully at Joey) Hey, he's not crying.
 (Ben starts crying)
 Joey: Yes! (Monica looks at him.) There's still pie.
 Ross: I'm here. How's my little boy? Want Daddy to change your diaper? So, did
 you have fun with Uncle Joey and Uncle Chandler today?
 Joey: Oh, yeah, he rode the bus today.
 Ross: Ohhh. Big boy, riding the bus Hey, I have a question. How come it
 says Property of Human Services on his butt?
 Chandler: You, you are gonna love this.
 Ross: (to Monica) Will you hold Ben for a sec? (Hands Ben off and starts to
 chase Joey and Chandler.) Come here. Come here.
 Chandler: (picking up the pie) Stay back, I've got kiwi. Run, Joey, Run!
 Closing Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is teaching Smelly Cat to Stephanie.]
 Stephanie: (singing) Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?
 Phoebe: No, no, no. I'm sorry. It's 'smelly cat, smel-ly cat.'
 Stephanie: Smelly cat, smel-ly cat...
 Phoebe: Better. Yeah.
 Stephanie: Yeah?
 Phoebe: Yeah, much better. And you know what, don't feel bad, because it's a
 hard song.
 Stephanie: Yeah.
 Phoebe: You wanna try it again?
 Stephanie: Yeah. From the top?


 The One Where Ross Finds Out
 The One Where Ross Finds Out
 Written by: Michael Borkow
 Transcribed by: Josh Hodge
 With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Everyone is sitting at the couches,
 Chandler enters.]
 Chandler: Okay, what is it about me? Do I not look fun enough? Is there something. . .
 repellent. . . about me?
 Rachel: So, how was the party?
 Chandler: Well it couldn't have been worse. A woman literally passed through me.
 Okay, so what is it, am I hideously unattractive?
 Phoebe: No, you are not, you are very attractive. You know what, I go through the exact
 same thing. Every time I put on a little weight, I start questioning everything.
 Chandler: Woah, woah, I've put on a little weight?
 Phoebe: No, not weight... y'know, more like insulation.
 Monica: Chandler, I'm unemployed and in dire need of a project. Ya wanna work out? I
 can remake you.
 Chandler: Oh, you know, I would, but that might get in the way of my lying around time.
 Monica: Please.
 All: C'mon. Let her. Yeah.
 Chandler: All right, Okay, all right. But if we put on spandex and my boobs are bigger
 than yours, I'm goin' home.
 Phoebe: Your boobs are fine. look, I never should have said anything. Come here. Come
 here. (hugs Chandler but holds her hands apart behind his back) Oh, can't make....
 hands... meet....
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: The Hallway, Chandler comes out wearing spandex, jogging in place. Monica is
 there.]
 Chandler: Okay, let's do it. (Monica looks at him funny) What?
 Monica: Nothing, just never seen you in little stretchy pants before.
 Chandler: And we're changing. (jogs back in his apartment)
 [Cut to the city street. Monica and Chandler are jogging. Chandler is lagging behind so
 he hops in a cab and takes off, leaving Monica behind]
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is doing sit-ups.]
 Monica: C'mon give me five more. Five more.
 Chandler: (weakly) No.
 Monica: Five more and I'll flash you.
 Chandler: One. . . two. . . two and a half. Okay, just show me one of them.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch. Rachel is working.]
 Chandler: (slowly lifts coffee cup to his mouth) Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. (slowly
 sets the cup back down) Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. (Joey intercepts the cup and puts it down for
 him). She's insane, the woman is insane. It's before work, it's after work, it's during
 work. She's got me doing butt clenches at my desk. And now, they won't bring me my mail
 anymore.
 (Phoebe enters.)
 Rachel: Hey Pheebs, how'd it go with Scott last night?
 Phoebe: Oh, um, it was nice. Took him to a romantic restaurant, ordered champagne,
 nice.
 Joey: The guy still won't put out, huh?
 Phoebe: Nope. Zilch, nothin', uh-uh.
 All: Sorry Pheebs.
 Phoebe: look, I, y'know, I don't mind taking it slow, I like him a lot, y'know he's
 really interesting and he's really sweet and why won't he give it up?
 Joey: Maybe he, uhh... drives his car on the other side of the road, if ya know what I
 mean.
 Phoebe: No, whad'ya mean? He's not British.
 Joey: Maybe he's. . . gay.
 Phoebe: Oohh, um, no, I don't think that's the problem. 'Cause we went, um, dancing the
 other night and the way he held me so close, and the way he was looking into my eyes I
 just like... definitely felt something.
 Rachel: Yeah, but how much can you tell from a look?
 Phoebe: No, I felt it on my hip. You could tell.
 (Monica enters.)
 Monica: (to Chandler) Yo, Bing. Racquetball in 15 minutes.
 Chandler: Joey, be a pal. Lift up my hand and smack her with it.
 Phoebe: (seeing Ross kissing Julie outside the window) Ooh, oh, Rachel, don't look.
 Rachel: What? (looks, feigns indifference) C'mon you guys, I don't care, I have a date
 tonight.
 Joey: Woah, woah, woah, you have a date?
 Rachel: Yeah, Monica's settin' me up.
 Joey: But uh, uh, what about uh, Ross and uh. . .
 Rachel: Oh what, my whole insane jealousy thing? Well, y'know, as much fun as that was,
 I've decided to opt for sanity.
 Chandler: So you really Okay about all this?
 Rachel: Oh yeah, c'mon, I'm movin' on. He can press her up against that window as much
 as he wants. For all I care, he can throw her through the damn thing.
 (Ross and Julie enter.)
 Ross: Hi guys.
 All: Hey.
 Ross: Oh, Monica, I figured I'd come by tomorrow morning and pick up Fluffy's old cat
 toy, Okay?
 Monica: Only if you say his full name.
 Ross: (reluctantly) Can I come over tomorrow and pick up Fluffy Meowington's cat toy.
 Monica: All right.
 Joey: (to Ross) You're getting a cat?
 Ross: Uh, actually, we're getting a cat.


Rachel: Together?
 Ross: Uh huh.
 Rachel: Both of you?
 Ross: Yep.
 Rachel: Together.
 Julie: Yeah, we figure it'll live with Ross half the time, and with me half the time.
 Rachel: Ohh, well, isn't that just lovely. That's something the two of you will be able
 to enjoy for a really, really, really, really, really long time.
 Ross: Hopefully.
 Rachel: Well. (looks at watch) Woah, look at that! I gotta go, I gotta date. With a
 man. Um, Okay, you guys have a really, uh, have a really good night and you two have a,
 uh, have a, uh, really good cat. (she leaves carrying her tray then comes back in) Okay,
 we're not supposed to take these when we leave.
 [Scene: A Restaurant, Rachel is on her date with Michael.]
 Michael: I don't know if Monica told you but this is the first date I've gone on since
 my divorce so, if I seem a little nervous, I am.
 Rachel: (distracted) How long do cats live?
 Michael: (confused) I'm sorry?
 Rachel: Cats, how long do they live figuring you don't... y'know, throw 'em under a bus
 or something?
 Michael: Um, maybe 15, 16 years.
 Rachel: That's just great. (she picks up her champagne and starts drinking)
 Michael: Um, cheers.
 Rachel: Oh, right, clink. (downs her glass)
 Michael: Monica told you I was cuter that this, didn't she?
 Rachel: Oh, no, Michael, it's not you. I'm sorry, it's just, it's this thing. It's
 probably not as bad as it sounds but this friend of mine is, is getting a cat with his
 girlfriend.
 Michael: Oh, that does sound. . .Ahh.
 Rachel: I mean he just started going out with her.
 Michael: Is this guy, uhh, an old boyfriend?
 Rachel: Ah, hah-hah-hah-ho, yeah, he wishes. Oh, I'm sorry, look at me. Okay, Michael,
 let's talk about you.
 Michael: All right.
 Rachel: Okay, Okay. So, you ever get a pet with a girlfriend?
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Joey are sitting on the couch.]
 Phoebe: So, I figured it out.
 Joey: What?
 Phoebe: Why Scott doesn't want to sleep with me. It's 'cause I'm not sexy enough.
 Joey: Phoebe, that's crazy. When I first met you, you know what I said to Chandler? I
 said, 'Excellent butt, great rack.'
 Phoebe: Really? That's so sweet. I mean, I'm officially offended but, sweet.
 Joey: Pheebs look, if you want to know what the deal is, you're just gonna have to ask
 him.
 Phoebe: You're right, you're right. Ah, you are so yumm. (they hug)
 (Outside the window, Monica and Chandler jog up. Monica playfully pushes him. They
 start pushing and slapping harder and harder until Monica pushes him down. Chandler stands
 up, with a serious expression, and chases her away.)
 [Scene: A Restaurant, Rachel pours the last of the champagne bottle in her glass.]
 Rachel: (obviously drunk) I mean, it's a cat, y'know, it's a cat. Why can't they
 get one of those bugs, y'know, one of those fruit flies, those things that live for like a
 day or something? (belligerently) What're they called, what're they called, what're they
 called?
 Michael: Fruit flies?
 Rachel: Yes! Thank you.
 (The waiter comes to the table.)
 Waiter: So, would you like any dessert?
 Michael: No! No dessert, just a check, please.
 Rachel: Oh, you're not having fun, are you?
 Michael: No, no, I am, but only because for the last hour and a half I've been playing
 the movie Diner in my head.
 Rachel: Oh, Look at me, Look at me. Oh, I'm on a date with a really great guy, all I
 can think about is Ross and his cat and his... Julie. I just want to get over him. gosh,
 why can't I do that?
 Michael: Oy. Look, I've been through a divorce, trust me you're gonna be fine. You just
 can't see it now because you haven't had any closure.
 Rachel: Yeah! Closure. That's what it is, that's what I need. God, you're brilliant!
 Why didn't I think of that? How do I get that?
 Michael: Well, you know, there's no one way really, it's just, you know, whatever it
 takes so that you can finally say to him, 'I'm over you.'
 Rachel: Closure, that's what it is. Closure. (she Looks around the restaurant, spotting
 a guy with a cellular phone) Hello, excuse me. Excuse me, hel woo (she almost falls
 out of her chair)
 Guy: Hang on.
 Rachel: Hello, excuse me.
 Guy: What.
 Rachel: Hi, I'm sorry, I need to borrow your phone for just one minute.
 Guy: I'm talkin'!
 Rachel: I can see that. I just one phone call, I'll be very quick, I'll even pay
 for it myself. (man is still reluctant) Okay, you're bein' a little weird about your
 phone.
 Guy: All right, fine. (on the phone) I'll call you back. (hands the phone to her)
 Rachel: Thank you. Okay. (dials) (to Michael) Machine. Just waiting for the beep.
 Michael: Good.


Rachel: (on phone) Ross, hi, it's Rachel. I'm just calling to say that um, everything's
 fine and I'm really happy for you and your cat who, by the way, I think you should name
 Michael. And, you know, ya see there I'm thinking of names so obviously, I am over you. I
 am over you and that, my friend, is what they call closure. (hangs up and tosses phone in
 the ice bucket)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is answering the door in his robe.]
 Chandler: No, no, no, no, no, no (opens door to Monica) No. Monica, it's Sunday
 morning. I'm not running on a Sunday.
 Monica: Why not?
 Chandler: Because it's Sunday. It's God's day.
 Monica: Okay, if you say stop, then we stop.
 Chandler: Okay, stop.
 Monica: No, c'mon, we can't stop, c'mon, we've got three more pounds to go. I am the
 energy train and you are on board. Woo-woo, woo-woo, woo-woo (Chandler walks out of the
 apartment, leaving Monica) Woo.
 [Scene: Rachel and Monica's, Rachel is taking aspirin.]
 Ross: (entering) Hey Rach.
 Rachel: Ahhhh.
 Ross: Oh. And how was the date?
 Rachel: Umm, I think there was a restaurant... I know there was wine. . .
 (Rachel looks at Ross as though she remembers something, but can't place what it is.)
 Ross: Wow, well uh, uh, actually, Julie's downstairs getting a cab, I just need the cat
 toy, did Monica say. . . What? Why, why are you looking at me like that?
 Rachel: I don't know, I, I feel like I had a dream about you last night but I, I don't
 remember.
 Ross: Okay. Oh, oh, oh. (runs over and picks up the cat toy)
 Rachel: Did we speak on the phone last night? Did you call me?
 Ross: No, I stayed at Julie's last night.
 Rachel: Huh.
 Ross: Oh, actually I haven't even been home yet. Do you mind if I check my messages?
 Rachel: Oh yeah, go ahead. (Rachel walks in her room. Ross picks up the phone and dials
 his machine to check his messages.)
 Ross: Rach, I got a message from you. (pauses) Who's Michael?
 (Rachel comes out of her room, suddenly she remembers leaving the message.)
 Rachel: Oh my God. Oh my God Ross, no, hang up the phone, give me the phone Ross, give
 me the phone, give me the phone, give me the. . . (jumps the couch and lands on Ross's
 back, finally getting the phone from him. Ross has a confused expression on his face.)
 Ross: You're over me?
 Rachel: Ohhhhhhhh God. (climbs off his back)
 Ross: Wha... you're uh, you're, you're over me?
 Rachel: Ohh, ohh.
 Ross: When, when were you... under me? Rach. Rachel do you, I mean, were you, uh. . .
 What?
 Rachel: Ohh, Okay, Okay, Okay, well, basically, lately, I've uh, I've uh, sort of had
 feelings for you.
 Ross: You've had feelings for me?
 Rachel: Yeah, what, so? You had feelings for me first.
 Ross: Woah. Huh. You know about my, I mean, you know I had... you know?
 Rachel: Chandler told me.
 Ross: Chandler. When did he... when did he... when did he?
 Rachel: When you were in China.
 Ross: China.
 Rachel: Meeting Julie.
 Ross: Julie. Julie. That. Oh God. Julie, right. Okay, I need to lie down. No, ya know,
 I'm gonna stand. I'm gonna stand, I'm gonna walk, I'm walkin' and I am standing. Okay so
 you uh, and now wha... and now, now, now you're over me?
 Rachel: Are you over me?
 (A moment of silence.)
 Ross: (doorbell buzzes) That's, that's Julie. Ju... Julie, Julie. (talks on intercom)
 Hi Julie.
 Julie: (over intercom) Hi honey, I've got a cab waiting.
 Ross: (perky) I'll be right down.
 Rachel: Wait, so, you're going?
 Ross: Well, Okay, I uh, I have to. I can't deal with this right now. I mean, I've uh,
 y'know, I've got a cab, I've got a girlfriend, I'm... I'm gonna go get a cat.
 Rachel: Okay, Okay.
 Ross: Cat. (leaves)
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching a rabbi play an electric guitar on TV.]
 Phoebe: (entering) Hey Joey.
 Joey: Hey Pheebs.
 Phoebe: How come you're watching a rabbi play electric guitar?
 Joey: I can't find the remote. (Phoebe turns off the TV) Thank you.
 Phoebe: So, Scott asked me to come over for lunch today and I did.
 Joey: And?
 Phoebe: And we did.
 Joey: All right Pheebs, way to go.
 Phoebe: Yay me.
 Joey: So, so how did it happen?
 Phoebe: Well, I finally took your advice and asked him what was going on.
 Joey: And what did he say?
 Phoebe: He said that, um, he understands how sex can be like, a very emotional thing
 for a woman and he was just afraid that I was gonna get all, y'know, like, 'ohh, is he
 gonna call me the next day' and, y'know, 'where is this going' and, ya know,
 blah-la-la-la-la. So he said he wanted to hold off until he was prepared to be really
 serious.


 The One With Phoebe's Dad
 The One With Phoebe's Dad
 Written by: Jeffrey Astroff & Mike Sikowitz
 Transcribed by: Josh Hodge
 With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Rachel, Ross, and Phoebe
 are there. Phoebe is looking out the window.]
 PHOEBE: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Ugly Naked Guy is decorating his tree. Oh my God, you
 should see the size of his Christmas Balls.
 [Chandler and Joey enter.]
 JOEY: Hey.
 CHANDLER: Hey.
 RACHEL: Hey.
 JOEY: Hey, how much did you guys tip the super this year?
 CHANDLER: Yeah, we were gonna give fifty, but if you guys gave more, we don't wanna look
 bad.
 MONICA: Oh, actually this year we just made him homemade cookies.
 CHANDLER: And twenty-five it is.
 JOEY: You gave him cookies?
 MONICA: Money is so impersonal. Cookies says someone really cares. . . Alright, we're
 broke, but cookies do say that.
 PHOEBE: I can see that. A plate of brownies once told me a limerick.
 CHANDLER: Phoebs, let me ask you something, were, were these, uh, funny brownies?
 PHOEBE: Not especially. But you know what, I think they had pot in them.
 ROSS: So you guys, who else did you tip with cookies?
 RACHEL: Uhh, the mailman, the super.
 [There's a bang at the door.]
 MONICA: Oh, and the newspaper delivery guy.
 [Joey opens the door and picks up the remnants of the newspaper.
 JOEY: Oh my God.
 RACHEL: What?
 JOEY: Uhhh, I don't think you're gonna like this.
 [Joey shows them the torn-up newspaper.]
 RACHEL: Ooh, goooosh, ooh, these are cookies smashed in the sports section.
 MONICA: Oh look, and he did my crossword puzzle.
 ROSS: Yeah, but not very well, unless 14-across, 'Gershwin musical' actually is
 bitemebitemebitemebiteme.
 OPENING TITLES
 [Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and Joey are seated at couches. Rachel is
 working behind the counter.]
 JOEY: I can't believe it's Christmas already. Ya know, I mean, one day your eatin' turkey,
 the next thing ya know, your lords are a-leapin' and you geese are a-layin'.
 CHANDLER: Which is why geese are so relaxed this time of year.
 [Ross enters with several bags from shopping.]
 ROSS: Hey guys.
 CHANDLER, MONICA, and JOEY: Hey.
 [Ross approaches Rachel at counter.]
 ROSS: Hey Rach. I, uh, got you a little present. [Rachel is not impressed]. . I'll open
 it. It's a Slinky! Remember, huh. [sings] Walks down stairs, alone or in pairs,
 everyone knows it's. . . just a big spring. Alright, you still mad at me becuase of
 the whole. . .
 RACHEL: Horrible and degrading list of reasons not to be with me?
 ROSS: How 'bout from now on we just call it the 'unfortunate incident'? [Rachel walks off]
 Hey Gunther, you got stairs in your place?
 GUNTHER: Yeah.
 ROSS: Here, go nuts. [gives him the Slinky and goes and sits with others at the couches]
 ROSS: Hey guys.
 CHANDLER, MONICA, and JOEY: Hey.
 CHANDLER: What's in the bag?
 ROSS: Um, just some presents.
 JOEY: C'mon show us what you bought. . . You know you want to.
 ROSS: [childishly] OK. OK, this is a picture frame from Ben to my parents, huh.
 MONICA: Cute.
 ROSS: I got some, uh, hers and hers towels for Susan and Carol. And, uh, I got this blouse
 for mom.
 [Ross holds up the blouse. It is extremely tacky, with sewn-on medals hanging off of it.]
 MONICA: Ross, that is gorgeous!
 ROSS: Yeah?
 MONICA: Look at these authentic fake medals. I tell ya, mom's gonna be voted best dressed
 at the make-believe military academy.
 [Phoebe enters.]
 PHOEBE: Hey.
 GANG: Hey. Hi Phoebe.
 PHOEBE: Happy Christmas Eve Eve. [sees Ross's picture frame] Oh my God, where did you get
 this?
 ROSS: Uh, Macy's, third floor, home furnishings.
 PHOEBE: This is my father, this is a picture of my dad.
 CHANDLER: Nah, Phoebs, that's the guy that comes in the frame.
 PHOEBE: No it isn't, this is my dad, alright, I'll show you.
 RACHEL: Phoebe, I thought your dad was in prison.
 PHOEBE: No, that's my stepdad. My real dad's the one that ran out on us before I was born.
 RACHEL: How have you never been on Oprah?
 PHOEBE: [showing her pictures] OK, look, see, this is him. My mother gave me this picture
 before she died, same guy.
 MONICA: Honey, uh, this is a picture of the frame guy posing in front of a bright blue
 screen with a collie.
 PHOEBE: It's not a blue screen... it's just, maybe it was just really clear that day. OK,
 I have to talk to my grandmother. [turns to leave]
 MONICA: Oh, wait a minute honey.
 GANG: Phoebs. [Phoebe leaves]
 MONICA: Wow.
 JOEY: So anyway, I'm trying to get my boss's ex-wife to sleep with me. . .
 GANG: Joey!
 JOEY: Oh, but when Phoebe has a problem, everyone's all ears!
 [Scene: Phoebe's grandmother's place. Phoebe's grandmother is sitting at the table,
 reading the obituaries, and crossing out names in the phonebook.]
 GRANDMOTHER: Esther Livingston. [scratches out name] Gone.
 [Phoebe enters.]
 GRANDMOTHER: Hi, Phoe.
 PHOEBE: Hi Gram. Whatcha doin'?
 GRANDMOTHER: Oh, just updating the phonebook.
 PHOEBE: Um, gram, um, can I see the pictures of my dad again?
 GRANDMOTHER: [nervously] Oh. Oh, sure, sure, uh, uh, how come?
 PHOEBE: Just, you know, to see... um.
 GRANDMOTHER: Oh, sure, yeah. [gets a box with the pictures] This is the one of you father
 in a meadow, and, uh, helping a little boy fly a kite, and here he is at a graduation. . .
 another graduation. . . another graduation.
 PHOEBE: OK, is this really my father?
 GRANDMOTHER: Is it really your fa--I can't... well of course it is.
 PHOEBE: OK, I smell smoke. Maybe that's 'cause someone's pants are on fire.
 GRANDMOTHER: Look, I. . .
 PHOEBE: Ya know, in all the years that we have been grandmother and granddaughter, you
 have never lied to me.
 GRANDMOTHER: Alright, that is not your father, that's just a picture of a guy in a frame.
 PHOEBE: Oh God.
 GRANDMOTHER: It was your mother's idea. Ya know, she didn't want you to know your real
 father because it hurt her so much when he left, and, I didn't want to go along with it,
 but, well then she died and, and it was harder to argue with her. Not impossible, but
 harder.
 PHOEBE: Alright, so, what, he's not a famous tree surgeon? And then, I guess, OK, he
 doesn't live in a hut in Burma where there's no phones?
 GRANDMOTHER: Last I heard, he was a pharmacist somewhere upstate.
 PHOEBE: OK, that makes no sense. Why would the villagers worship a pharmacist?
 GRANDMOTHER: Honey.
 PHOEBE: [realizes] Oh.
 GRANDMOTHER: Anyway, that's all I know. That, and this. [pulls apart a frame and pulls a
 picture out] This is the real him.
 PHOEBE: Oh.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel, Chandler, and Joey are decorating the
 Christmas tree.]
 CHANDLER: Ya know I remember my father, all dressed up in the red suit, the big black
 boots, and the patent leather belt, sneakin around downstairs. He didn't want anybody to
 see him but he'd be drunk so he'd stumble, crash into something and wake everybody up.
 RACHEL: Well, that doesn't sound like a very merry Christmas.
 CHANDLER: Who said anything about Christmas?
 [Monica and Ross enter.]
 MONICA: Hi.
 ROSS: Hey, anyone hear from Phoebe yet?
 RACHEL: No, nothin'.
 MONICA: I hope she's OK.
 JOEY: Yeah, I know exactly what she's goin' through.
 MONICA: How do you know exactly what she's going through?
 JOEY: She told us.
 CHANDLER: So whaddya got there Monica?
 MONICA: Just some stuff for the party.
 ROSS: Yeah, what're you guys doin' here, aren't you supposed to be Christmas shopping?
 MONICA: You guys haven't gotten your presents yet? Tomorrow's Christmas Eve, what're ya
 gonna do?
 CHANDLER: Don't you have to be Claymation to say stuff like that?
 RACHEL: Oh, by the way Mon, I don't think the mailman liked your cookies. Here are the
 ornaments your mom sent. [hands her a smashed box]
 MONICA: Well, maybe the mailman liked the cookies, we just didn't give him enough.
 JOEY: Monica, pigeons learn faster that you.
 [Ross approaches Rachel, away from everyone else.]
 ROSS: Hey, Rach, you know what? I think, I think I know what'll make you feel better.
 How 'bout you make a list about me.
 RACHEL: Wha... forget it Ross, no, I am not gonna stand here and make a list of. . .
 ROSS: C'mon Rachel.
 RACHEL: OK, you're whiney, you are, you're obsessive, you are insecure, you're, you're
 gutless, you know, you don't ever, you don't just sort of seize the day, you know. You
 like me for what, a year, you didn't do anything about it. And, uh, oh, you wear too much
 of that gel in your hair.
 ROSS: See there, you uhh, alright, ya, you did what I said.
 RACHEL: Yeah, and you know what? You're right, I do feel better, thank you Ross. [she
 walks off and Ross puts his hand to his hair]
 [Scene: Back at Phoebe's. She is on the phone]
 PHOEBE: Yeah, um, in Albany, can I have the number of Frank Buffay. . . OK, um, in Ithica.
 . . alright, um, Saratoga. . . Oneonta. Alright, you know what, you shouldn't call youself
 information. [hangs up]
 [Phoebe's grandmother enters]
 GRANDMOTHER: Hey.
 PHOEBE: Hello grandma, if that is in fact your real name.
 GRANDMOTHER: C'mon now Phoe, don't still be mad at me. How's it going?
 PHOEBE: Well, not so good. Upstate's pretty big, he's pretty small, you do the math.
 GRANDMOTHER: Well, I think you're better off without him. Oh honey, I know he's your daddy
 but, but to me he's still the irresponsible creep who knocked up your mom and stole her
 Gremlin.
 PHOEBE: No I just, just wanted to know who he was, ya know.
 GRANDMOTHER: I know. OK, I wasn't completely honest with you when I told you that, uh, I
 didn't know exactly where he lived.
 PHOEBE: Whattaya mean?
 GRANDMOTHER: He lives at 74 Laurel Drive in Middletown. If you hit the Dairy Queen, you've
 gone too far. You can take my cab.
 PHOEBE: Wow. Thank you.
 GRANDMOTHER: Now, remember, nobody else drives that cab.
 PHOEBE: Uh-huh, got it. Ooh, I'm gonna see my dad. Wish me luck, Grandpa! [blows a kiss to
 a picture of Einstein]
 Commercial
 [Scene: Chandler is standing on a street corner waiting for Phoebe in the cab. Joey
 walks up.]
 JOEY: Phoebe here with the cab yet?
 CHANDLER: Yeah, she, she brought the invisible cab. . . hop in.
 JOEY: Well she better get here soon, the outlet stores close at 7.
 CHANDLER: Hey, don't worry. I figure it'll be 2 hours to Phoebe's dad's house, they'll
 meet, they'll chat, they'll swap life stories, we'll still have plenty of time.
 [Phoebe drives up in the cab]
 JOEY: Hey, here she comes.


 The One With the Princess Leia Fantasy
 The One With the Princess Leia Fantasy
 Written by: Michael Curtis and Gregory S. Malins
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene Central Perk, the whole gang is entering]
 Joey: I'm tellin' ya that girl totally winked at me.
 All: Did not, she did not wink at you...(sees that their sacred couch is
 occupied by strangers).
 Chandler: Huh. (They all leave, dejected)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Rachel and Monica's, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are eating breakfast.]
 Ross: I have to say Tupolo Honey by Van Morrison.
 Rachel: Nooo Way! The most romantic song ever is The Way We Were.
 Phoebe: See, I-I think that one that Elton John wrote for, um, that guy on Who's
 The Boss.
 Rachel: What song was that, Pheebs?
 Phoebe: (singing) Hold me close, young Tony Dan-za.
 (Monica enters from her bedroom)
 Phoebe: Hi Monica!
 Ross: Hey Mon!
 Rachel: Hey Mon!
 (she just walks straight into the bathroom)
 Phoebe: Oh my God, has she slept at all?
 Ross: Nope.
 Rachel: No, it's been three nights in a row.
 Ross: Yeah, she finally stopped crying yesterday, but then she found one of
 Richard's cigar butts out on the terrace, so.
 Phoebe: Oh, okay that explains it. I got a call at two in the morning, but all I
 could hear was, like, this high squeaky sound, so I thought okay its like a mouse or a
 opossum. But then I realized where would a mouse or a opossum get the money to make the
 phone call.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is coming in from the bedroom]
 Chandler: Morning.
 Joey: Morning, hey, you made pancakes?
 Chandler: Yeah, like there's any way I could ever do that.
 Janice: (entering and singing) Monica and Rachel had syrup, now I can get my man
 to cheer up. (laughs hysterically) Good morning Joey.
 Joey: (sarcastically) Good morning.
 Chandler: Hey, you know what, here's a thought. Why don't you stay home from
 work today and just hang out with me.
 Janice: Oh, I wish. Look, honey, you have that report to finish, and I gotta go
 see my lawyer.
 Chandler: I can not believe that I am going out with someone that is getting
 divorced. I'm such a grown up.
 Janice: (laughs) I-I-I gotta go, I gotta go. Okay, not without a kiss.
 Chandler: Well, maybe I won't kiss you, and then you'll have to stay.
 Joey: (under his breath) Kiss her! Kiss her!
 Janice: I'll see you later, sweetie. Bye Joey.
 Joey: B-bye Janice. So when ya' dumpin' her.
 Chandler: Nope, not this time.
 Joey: Come on, quite yankin' me.
 Chandler: I'm not yanking you.
 Joey: This is Janice.
 Chandler: Yeah, I know. She makes me happy.
 Joey: Okay. All right. You look me in the eye and tell me, without blinking,
 that you're not breaking up with her. No blinking.
 Chandler: (looks him in the eye) I'm not breaking up with her! (they stare at
 each other for a while, then Joey blows in his face)
 [Scene: Rachel and Monica's, Monica is entering from the bathroom.]
 Monica: God, look what I found in the drain.
 Rachel: What?!
 Monica: It's some of Richard's hair! (holds it close to Ross) What do I do with
 this?
 Ross: Getting it away from me would be job one.
 Monica: It's weird, but you know what I don't wanna throw this away. I mean this
 is like all I have left of him, gross, drain hair. Ooh! (drops it in Ross's cereal)
 Phoebe: Ooh. Oh. It looks like, like a tiny little person drowning in your
 cereal. (Ross gives her this look, like 'Yeah, doesn't it', and gets up to dump it down
 the drain.)
 Monica: God, what is wrong with me.
 Ross: You need to get some sleep.
 Monica: I need to get some Richard.
 Rachel: Monica, you broke up with him for a reason.
 Monica: I know, I know. I'm just so tired of-of missing him. I'm tired of
 wondering why hasn't he called. Why hasn't he called!
 Phoebe: Maybe, because you told him not to.
 Monica: What are you the memory woman?
 Joey: (entering) Their not breaking up. Chandler and Janice. Their not breaking
 up. He didn't blink or anything.
 Rachel: Well, you know I'm not surprised. I mean have you seen them together,
 they're really cute.
 Joey: Cute! This is Janice! You remember Janice?
 Rachel: Yes, Joey, I remember, she's annoying, but you know what she's-she's his
 girlfriend now. I mean what can we do?
 Joey: There you go! That's the spirit I'm looking for! What can we do? Huh? All
 right who's first? Huh? Ross?
 Ross: Well I'm thinking that Chandler's our friend and Janice makes him happy,
 so I say we just all be adult about it and accept her.
 Joey: Yeah, we'll call that Plan B. All right?
 [Scene: Ross's bedroom, Ross is working and Rachel is reading a book in bed]


Rachel: (she leans over and kisses him on the cheek) Honey, I was wondering....
 Ross: Hmm?
 Rachel: Do you still have that, um, Navy uniform?
 Ross: Nooo, I had to return it to the costume place.
 Rachel: Hmm.
 Ross: I think I have an old band uniform from high school.
 Rachel: You remember not having sex in high school, right?
 Ross: Yeah.
 Rachel: Well honey, what about you?
 Ross: What?
 Rachel: I mean do you have any fun, you know, fantasy type things?
 Ross: No.
 Rachel: Come on you gotta have one!
 Ross: Nope.
 Rachel: Ross, you know what...
 Ross: What?
 Rachel: ...if you tell me, I might do it.
 Ross: Okay, umm. Did you ever see, um, Return Of The Jedi?
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Ross: Do you remember the scene with, um, Jabba the Hut? Well Jabba had as, as
 his prisoner, um, Princess Leia.
 Rachel: Oooh!
 Ross: Princess Leia, was wearing this, um, gold bikini thing. It was pretty
 cool.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are there]
 Phoebe: Yeah, oh, Princess Leia and the gold bikini, every guy our age loved
 that.
 Rachel: Really!
 Phoebe: Um, um. It's huge. Yeah, that's the moment, when-when, you know she
 stopped being a princess, and became, like, a woman, you know.
 Rachel: Did you ever do the-the Leia thing?
 Phoebe: Oh, yeah, um-mm. Oh!
 Rachel: Really! That-that great huh?
 Phoebe: No it's just that I got this new pager and I have it on vibrate. See ya!
 Ross: (entering with Monica in tow) Hey!
 Rachel: Hi you guys!
 Ross: Look who I found standing outside of the Szechwan Dragon staring at a
 parking meter.
 Rachel: Mon. Hi!
 Monica: Hi.
 Rachel: Why aren't you at work?
 Monica: Oh, they-they sent me home.
 Rachel: Why?
 Monica: Because I don't work at the Szechwan Dragon.
 Ross: Okay.
 Rachel: You really, really need to get some sleep, honey.
 Monica: I know I do.
 Ross: Hi.
 Rachel: Hi.
 Ross: Guess what?
 Rachel: What?
 Ross: They published my paper.
 Rachel: Oh, really, let me see, let me see.
 Phoebe: Rach, look! (she holds two buns up to her ears to make her hair look
 like the Princess Leia 'do.) Oh, hi! Where is my strong Ross Skywalker to come rescue me.
 (Ross stands up horrified) There he is.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching Wheel of Fortune, the puzzle is showing
 _oun_ Rush_ore.]
 [Chandler enters]
 Chandler: Hey!
 Joey: Wheel!
 Chandler: Of!
 Joey: Fortune! This guy is so stupid. (yelling) It's Count Rushmore!!
 Chandler: You know, you should really go on this show. All right, listen, I got
 three tickets to the Rangers tonight. What'd ya' say?
 Joey: I say, 'I am there!' Cool! Aw, is Ross going to?
 Chandler: No, Janice.
 Joey: Jan-ice. 'Cause I, just, I feel bad for Ross, you know, we-we always go
 together, we're like the three hocke-teers.
 Chandler: You know, I may be way out on a limb here, but do you, do you, have a
 problem with Janice?
 Joey: No, Yeeees. God, how do I say this. (walks into the kitchen, Chandler
 follows closely, he turns around and gets startled). Oh, hi, you know that girl from the
 Greek restaurant with the hair (holds his hands up to signify she has big hair)?
 Chandler: Ooh, that girl that I hate, eww, drives me crazy, eww, eww, oh!
 Joey: Look, I don't hate Janice, she's-she's just a lot to take, you know.
 Chandler: Well, there you go.
 Joey: Oh, hey. Come on man, don't look at me like that, she used to drive you
 nuts before too, remember?
 Chandler: Well, I'm crazy about her now. I think this could be the real thing.
 Capital 'R'! Capital 'T'! (Joey stares at him) Don't worry, those are the right letters.
 Joey: Look, what do you want me to say?
 Chandler: I want you to say that you like her!
 Joey: I can't. It's like this chemical thing, you know. Every time she starts
 laughing, I just wanna (grimaces and tenses up) pull my arm off just so that I can have
 something to throw at her.
 Chandler: Thanks for trying. (grabs the ticket and starts to leave) Oh, and by
 the way there is no Count Rushmore!
 Joey: Yeah, then-then who's the guy that painted the faces on the mountain?
 (Chandler gives him a look like 'You stupid idiot!')
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Ross are entering]
 Ross: How could you have told her?
 Rachel: Ross, I didn't think it would that big of a deal.
 Ross: Oh, she didn't think it would be that big of deal.
 Rachel: Okay, who are you talking to when you do that?
 Ross: Look, that was supposed to be like a private, personal thing between us.
 Rachel: Okay, Ross, Phoebe is my girlfriend, okay, we tell each other
 everything. You know, I mean, come on, guys do the same thing, I mean, what about all that
 locker room stuff.


Ross: That's different, okay. That's like, uh 'Who dated a stripper?' or 'Who
 did it on the back of the Staton Island Ferry?'.
 Rachel: Were both of those Joey?
 Ross: Yeah. Look, you don't, you don't talk about like, you know, your
 girlfriend and the intimate stuff you, you do with her.
 Rachel: Not even with your best friend.
 Ross: Noo!
 Rachel: That is so sad. Your missing out on so much, Ross. I mean, the bonding
 and the sharing, you know. And-and knowing that someone else is going through the same
 thing you are.
 Ross: Hmph. So what you, you tell each other everything?
 Rachel: Pretty much.
 Ross: Did you talk about the night of five times? Do you tell people about the
 night of five times?
 Rachel: Uh, honey, yeah that was with Carol.
 Ross: I know, but it's still worth mentioning, I think.
 [Scene: Monica's bedroom, Phoebe is trying to relax her.]
 Phoebe: ( in a soothing voice) Relax every muscle in your body. Listen to the
 plinky-plunky music. Okay, now close you eyes, and think of a happy place. Okay, tell me
 your happy place.
 Monica: Richard's living room, drinking wine.
 Phoebe: All right. No, no, no, not a Richard thing, just put down the glass. And
 get out!
 Monica: I'm sorry, but that's my happy place.
 Phoebe: Well, okay, fine, use my happy place. Okay, I'm just gonna, I have to
 ask that you don't move anything.
 Monica: All right, I'll try not to.
 Phoebe: Okay, all right, so, your in a meadow, millions of stars in the sky....
 Monica: Do you think breaking up with him was a huge mistake?
 Phoebe: All right, there are no questions in the happy place. Okay, just, the
 warm breeze, and the moonlight flowing through the trees....
 Monica: I'll bet he's totally over me, I'll bet he's fine.
 Phoebe: All right, betting and wagering of any kind, are, I'm sure, not
 permitted in the happy place. Okay. Just-just, you know, the-the lovely waterfalls, and
 the, the trickling fountains. And the-the calming sounds of the babbling brook....
 Monica: Okay, this isn't working. I'm still awake and now I have to pee.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's]
 Janice: So, I hear, you hate me!
 Joey: I, ah, I never said hate, I was very careful about that.
 Janice: A little birdie told me something about you wanting to rip your arm off
 and throw it at me.
 Joey: And you got a 'hate' from that?! Your taking a big leap there...
 Janice: All right, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, we've got to do something about
 our little situation here Joey. So, this is my idea: you and me spending some quality time
 together.
 Joey: But what does that gonna do...
 Janice: For Chandler!
 Joey: Okay. I'm in.
 Janice: Okay. All right. This is what we're gonna call it: 'Joey and Janice's DAY
 OF FUN!'
 Joey: Does it have to be a whole day?
 Janice: Yes, because that's how long it takes to love me.
 Joey: Yeah, I know, I sleep in the next room.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Monica are entering]
 Monica: (crying) So, I went down to the post office, and it turns out it was
 those videos that I ordered for Richard about the Civil War. He loved the Civil War.
 Phoebe: Monica, do you want us to take you home?
 Monica: Uh, huh. (to Ross) Or maybe to a galaxy far, far away. (Rachel, Monica,
 and Phoebe leave)
 Ross: Women tell each other everything. Did you know that?
 Chandler: Umm, yeah.
 Ross: No Chandler, everything! Like stuff you like, stuff she likes, technique,
 stamina, girth....
 Chandler: Girth? Why, why, why, wh-why, why, why, why would they do this?
 Ross: Rachel says sharing's great and supposedly, you know, we outta be doing
 it. Do you wanna?
 Chandler: We're not gonna talk about girth are we?
 Ross: Nooo!
 Chandler: Yeah, okay.
 Ross: Yeah?
 Chandler: Yeah! All right! You go first.
 Ross: Okay, okay, I'll go first.
 Chandler: Okay.
 Ross: So, uh, the other night Rachel and I are in bed talking about fantasies,
 and I happened to describe a particular Star Wars thing....
 Chandler: Princess Leia in the gold bikini.
 Ross: Yes!
 Chandler: I know!
 Ross: Yes! Wow, well, that-that was easy. Okay, you-you go.
 Chandler: Okay.
 Ross: Okay.
 Chandler: Okay, you know, you know when your in bed, with a woman.
 Ross: Hmph.
 Chandler: And, ah, you know, your fooling around with her. And you get all these
 like, mental images in your brain, you know, like Elle MacPherson, or that girl at the
 Xerox place....
 Ross: With the belly-button ring? Oh, muhawa!
 Chandler: I know, And then all of the sudden your Mom pops into your head. And
 your like 'Mom, get outta here!' You know, but of course, like, after that you can't
 possibly think of anything else, and you can't, you know, stop what your doing. So it's
 kinda like, you're, you know. You know...(Ross just stares at him). You don't know!


 The One Where No-one's Ready
 The One Where No-one's Ready
 Written by: Ira Ungerleider
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Rachel and Monica's, everyone is getting ready to go to a banquet]
 Joey: All right they got water, orange juice, and what looks like cider. (takes a
 glass from the fridge.)
 Chandler: Taste it.
 Joey: (drinks from the glass and puts it back in the fridge) Yep, it's fat. I drank
 fat!
 Chandler: Yeah, I know, I did that two minutes ago.
 Ross: (entering) Hey!
 Chandler: Hey, mister tux!
 Ross: Why aren't you guys dressed?
 Joey: We have a half hour.
 Ross: No, four minutes ago you had a half hour, we have to be out the door at
 twenty to eight.
 Joey: Relax Ross, we'll be ready. It only takes us two minutes to get dressed.
 Ross: Well, you know, I'd feel a whole lot better if you got dressed now.
 Chandler and Joey: Okay. (they don't move)
 Rachel: (entering from bathroom) Hey-hey! Oh, look at you, all sexy.
 Ross: Really.
 Rachel: Ooooh! Wow!! Oh, hi.
 Ross: Hi.
 Rachel: How come you didn't come over earlier?
 Ross: 'Cause, I'm a stupid, stupid man.
 Joey: Hey, Ross, want some cider?
 Ross: No. (to Rachel) So, um, let's see your pretty close, huh. Make-up's on,
 hair's done.
 Rachel: Yeah, I just have to get dressed.
 Ross: Yay! And that takes what? Just six or seven minutes.
 Rachel: Yeah! Once, I figure out what I'm wearing.
 Joey: Glass of fat?
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Ross is acting nervous]
 Joey: What's a matter Ross? What you're nervous about your speech?
 Ross: No! Do you wanna hear it?
 Joey: Am I in it?
 Ross: Uh, huh. Yeah, right after I thank everyone for giving money to the museum, I
 sing a song about the wonder that is Joey.
 Phoebe: (entering) Hello.
 Ross: Hey!
 Joey: Whoa!
 Ross: Wow, hello! You look great!
 Phoebe: Thank you! I know, though.
 Ross: You see this, this is a person who is ready to go. Phoebe you, oh, you are my
 star.
 Phoebe: Ohh, well, you're my lucky penny.
 Chandler: (entering from bathroom, with an issue of Cosmo) All right, I took the
 quiz, and it turns out, I do put career before men. (to Joey) Get up.
 Joey: What?
 Chandler: You're in my seat.
 Joey: How is this your seat?
 Chandler: 'Cause I was sitting there.
 Joey: But then you left.
 Chandler: Well, it's not like I went to Spain. I went to the bathroom, you knew I
 was coming back.
 Joey: What's the big deal, sit somewhere else.
 Chandler: The big deal is I was sitting there last, so, that's my seat.
 Joey: Well, actually the last place you were sitting was in there (points to the
 bathroom). Soo...
 Ross: You guys, you know what, you know what, it doesn't matter, because you both
 have to go get dressed before the big vain in my head pops. So..
 Chandler: All right, Ross, I just have to do one thing, really quickly, it's not a
 big deal. (yells at Joey) GET UP!!
 Monica: (entering) Hi.
 All: Hey.
 Monica: Ooh, Phoebe, you look great!
 Phoebe: All right all ready.
 Monica: (to Ross) Ooh, are you gonna do magic?
 Ross: That's, that's funny. Change!
 Monica: Hang on a second I just got in.
 Ross: Look, I don't care it starts at eight, we can't be late.
 Phoebe: We could not, would not want to wait.
 Ross: Look, our table is down in front, okay, my boss is gonna be there, everyone
 will see if we arrive after it starts.
 Monica: Has somebody been drinking my fat? (Joey and Chandler look at each other)
 Rachel: (entering from her bedroom) You guys, (holds up an outfit) does this look
 like something the girlfriend of a paleontologist would wear?
 Phoebe: I don't know, you might be the first one.
 Monica: Rach, did you check the machine?
 Rachel: Uh, no. Wait, you know what, this is the outfit that makes my calves look
 fat. Nevermind.
 Chandler: Well, Joey, I wrote a little song today. It's called: Get Up.
 Joey: All right! You can have the chair.
 Chandler: Really!
 Joey: Oh my, would you look at that! (holds up crossed fingers)
 Phoebe: (on machine) 'Hi, it's me, I'm coming over now. Hey, what if I'm
 already there when your playing this message?' (to the guys) Is that too spooky?
 Ross: (on machine) 'Hi Rach, are you there? It's me, pick up. Rachel.
 Rach!'
 Rachel: (entering from her bedroom) What?!
 Ross: Nevermind.
 Richard: (on machine) 'Monica, it's Richard. Call me.'
 Monica: Is-is-is that message old or new? (yelling) Old or new?! Old or new?!
 Ross: It's old, it's definitely old. Didn't you hear the, the double beep?
 Monica: What if it's new? I mean, we agreed not to talk again, unless we had
 something really important to say. Shouldn't I call him back?


Chandler: Honey, you did call him back. 'Cause, it's, it's really old.
 Ross: Yeah, see Mon, listen, listen. When Carol and I broke up, I went through the
 same thing. And you know what I did?
 Monica: Huh?
 Ross: I.....got.....dressed. Really, really quickly. Okay, okay. (Rachel starts to
 follow Monica into her room, but Ross stops her and sends her back to her room.) There we
 go, there we go.
 Chandler: You know what, okay, fine. Don't get up, you just sit right there. I just
 hope, you don't mind, you know, my hand right here. (holds his hand a couple of inches in
 front of Joey's face) Op, not touching, can't get mad! Not touching can't get mad! Not
 touching can't get mad! (Joey flings some dip onto Phoebe's dress)
 Phoebe: Ah! Oh my God! You r-r-rotten boys!
 Chandler and Joey: Sorry Phoebe.
 Joey: I'm so sorry.
 Phoebe: What am I gonna do?
 Ross: No, no, don't, don't, rub it! Don't! (clapping) What gets out hummus?! What
 gets out hummus?!
 Phoebe: Monica, Monica, you know what gets out hummus.
 Monica: If it is a new message, what is he calling to say?
 Phoebe: Okay, thanks. Yeah, I'll try that.
 Chandler: Maybe he's calling to say your obsessive and crazy.
 Monica: So, should I call him back?
 The Guys: Noo! (Monica starts to go back into her room and stops) NO!
 Chandler: All right, fine, you know what, we'll both sit in the chair. (sits on
 Joey's lap) I'm soooo, comfortable.
 Joey: Me too. In fact, I think I might be a little too comfortable.
 Chandler: All right! (jumps up)
 Ross: Okay, look, we have nineteen minutes. Okay, Chandler, I want you to go and
 change! Okay. And then, when you come back, Joey will go change, and he'll have vacated
 the chair. Okay. Okay.
 Chandler: All right! Fine! I'm going. But when I get back it's chair sitting, and
 I'm the guy who's....sitting in a chair! (leaves)
 Rachel: (entering from her room) Is this a little too... (sees Phoebe) Pheebs, what
 happened?
 Phoebe: Hummus. I got the hummus.
 Rachel: Ooooh! Honey, well we'll find you something. Do you wanna wear my black
 jacket?
 Phoebe: That won't go with this dress though.
 Rachel: No, you're right. Well, we'll find something. Let's just get you out of
 that. Come on.
 Ross: No, no, no, no, no, no, not out of that, not out of clothes.
 Rachel: Monica, can Phoebe borrow your green dress?
 Monica: I called him.
 All: Nooo.
 Monica: Yes. Well I got his machine and I left a message. But it's okay, it's okay,
 it's okay, because you know it was like a casual, breezy message. It was breezy! Oh God,
 what if it wasn't breezy?
 Phoebe: Well, how could it not be breezy, no, 'cause, you're, you're in such a
 breezy place.
 Monica: Here, I got it. I'll will play my message for you guys, and you can tell me
 if it's breezy enough.
 Joey: Monica, how are you gonna do that?
 Monica: I know the code to his answering machine.
 Ross: Okay, Mon, I really don't think this is the... Okay, you're dialing, you are
 dialing.
 (Chandler enters, and Joey is standing near the chair, they have a show down to see who
 gets the chair and Joey wins)
 Richard: (on machine) 'Hi, this is Richard. Please, leave a message at
 the tone.'
 Machine: 'You have two new messages.'
 Joey: Wow, what a cool job. (in a machine voice) 'You have two new messages.'
 'Please, pass the pie.'
 Monica: (on machine) 'Hi, it's Monica. I'm just checking in 'cause I got this
 message from you and I didn't know if it was old or new or what. So, I'm just checkin'. So
 let me know, or don't, whatever. I'm breezy.'
 Joey: Hey, you can't say you're breezy, that, that totally negates the breezy.
 Woman's Voice: (on machine) Hola, it's me, yesterday was really fun. Call me
 about this weekend, okay.
 Joey: Now she sounded breezy.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier]
 Monica: He's seeing someone. I can't believe he's seeing someone.
 Phoebe: Monica, you don't know that.
 Monica: Well, who's voice was that?
 Chandler: Maybe it was his sister's. You know, maybe it was his daughter's.
 Monica: Michelle! Of course, it was Michelle! Did it sound like Michelle?
 Ross: Oh, great. It's starting to rain, that will make it easy to get a cab.
 Monica: It was Michelle. It was definitely Michelle.
 Rachel: Pheebs, you go with Monica and try on her green dress. If that doesn't
 work, you can wear my gray silk one. Oh, gosh, what am I wearing?!
 Ross: You don't, you don't know what your wearing?
 Rachel: Well, hon-ey. I'm just trying to look nice for your big night.
 Ross: Yeah, which, which we have to leave for in exactly twelve minutes. All right,
 come on, I'll just pick something out for you.


Chandler: All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have
 noticed that you are not. So in the words of A. A. Milne, 'Get out of my chair,
 dillhole!'
 Joey: Okay. (he gets up and takes the cushions with him, as he starts to leave)
 Chandler: What are you doing?
 Joey: You said I had to give you the chair, you didn't say anything about the
 cushions.
 Chandler: The cushions are the essence of the chair!
 Joey: That's right! I'm taking the essence.
 Chandler: Oh-ho, it'll be back. Oh-ho, there's nobody in the room.
 Ross: Look, I'm sorry, I thought it looked pretty.
 Rachel: Ross, that was a Halloween costume, unless you would like me to go to this
 thing as Little Bo Peep.
 Ross: Look, I didn't recognize it without that inflatable sheep.
 Rachel: Yeah, which, by the way Chandler, I would like back one of these days.
 Phoebe: Oh Rach, good, listen isn't this perfect for me! (she's wearing another
 dress on a hanger around her neck)
 Rachel: Oh, it's perfect! But not for tonight.
 Phoebe: Well, of course not for tonight. Yeah, hi!
 Ross: Not for tonight. Not for tonight! Wh-what, what, what, are you doing?
 Rachel: No honey, we're sorry, we didn't mean it. I love you. I love you.
 Chandler: We used them as pillows when we went camping.
 Ross: What?
 Chandler: (shyly) The sheep.
 Ross: Hey, what you do on your own time...
 Joey: (entering) Where's my underwear?!
 Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on, come on, what. You took his underwear?
 Chandler: He took my essence!
 Ross: Okay, now hold on. Joey, why, why can't you just wear the underwear you're
 wearing now?
 Joey: Because, I'm not wearing any underwear now.
 Ross: Okay, then why do you have to wear underwear tonight?
 Joey: It's a rented tux. Okay. I'm not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues.
 Chandler: Well, then it looks like somebody is gonna have to give back somebody his
 cushions.
 Joey: Okay, you hide my clothes. I'm gonna do the exact opposite to you.
 Chandler: What are you, what are you gonna show me my clothes?
 Joey: Hey, opposite, is opposite! (leaves)
 Chandler: He's got nothing!
 Phoebe: (entering from Rachel's room, wearing a huge bow to cover the stain) Okay,
 I'm ready.
 Ross and Chandler: Oh, aaaah!
 Phoebe: Rachel, didn't have anything that I liked, so, but she had this Christmas
 ribbon, and I thought, 'All right, fine I'll be political.'
 Chandler: What are you supporting?
 Phoebe: Duh!! Christmas!
 Ross: Okay, hey, that's okay with me. Two down and I have exactly twelve
 minutes.... Wha, my watch stopped. My watch. (shows Chandler) Okay, see, the, the dinosaur
 tail isn't going around any more. (grabs Chandler's watch) What time is it? It's 7:33, I
 have seven minutes. I have seven minutes!!
 Rachel: (entering from her room) Okay, Pheebs, quick, what shoes should I wear? The
 black or the purple?
 Ross: Just, just, just pick one!
 Phoebe: Okay, okay, okay, the black. But, oh, do you have black, with the little
 strappys?
 Rachel: Yeahh, but, but those really go better with pants. Maybe I should wear
 pants?
 Ross: Yeah, pants, what, what an idea. Or better yet, um, how 'bout you go without
 any pants. Look, I don't know what you're trying to do to me, but just get your butt in
 there and pick out any shoes that fit your feet, okay. No, no I don't care if they match.
 I don't care if they make your ankles or your knees or your earlobes look fat. Okay.
 Rachel: But I...
 Ross: No, no, no just do it. Go in there and pick something out so we can go.
 Rachel: All right.
 Ross: Thank you!
 Monica: (entering from her room) Okay. I gotta call Michelle. I gotta see if that
 was her voice or not. I'm sorry, I just have to.
 Ross: It was, it was her voice.
 Chandler: Monica, I think you've gone over to the bad place.
 Michelle: Hola! Hello. Hello?
 Monica: Okay. That was her right?
 Phoebe: Definitely.
 Monica: See there you go. Woo! We're out of the woods. Okay, I'll get dressed now.
 Ross: Yay!
 (phone rings)
 Phoebe: I'll get it, okay. (answers phone) Hi, Monica and Rachel's. (listens) Yeah,
 just a second, can I ask who's calling. (to Monica) Oh, ew, it's Michelle! Ew! She, she
 must have that Caller Id thing. You should get that.
 Monica: (on phone) Uh, Michelle. Yeah, that was me, I-I dialed your number by
 mistake. (listens) Oh, you're so sweet. Yeah, we were a great couple. I know I really miss
 him. Well, you know how it is, it's that....
 Chandler: (to Phoebe) You know what's weird. Donald Duck never wore pants. But
 whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always put a towel around his waist. I mean,
 what is that about?


Monica: (on phone) Michelle, I only beeped in so I could hear my message. I mean
 that's allowed. Yeah-huh! I mean look, yeah, you know what I would really appreciate it if
 you didn't tell your Dad about. What do you mean, you're not comfortable with this? Come
 on we're friends!! (Michelle hangs up) That bitch always hated me. I'm calling her back.
 Ross: No, no, no, no. Tick, tick, tick, tick.
 Monica: Okay, fine. (runs to her room)
 Chandler: They got a phone in there, right?
 Phoebe: Okay, we're on it. We're on it.
 (Rachel comes out from her room wearing sweat pants and a sweatshirt)
 Ross: Um. I know it says black tie optional, but, um this may be pushing it a
 little, um.
 Rachel: I'm not gonna gooo.
 Ross: You're not going to go.
 Rachel: No, I think I'm gonna catch up on my correspondence.
 Ross: How, how, um how can you not be going?
 Rachel: I'm not gonna gooo, so I think that will accomplish the not going.
 Ross: Um, you know, just out of curiosity...
 Rachel: Well, ever since I was humiliated and yelled at in front of my friends, I'm
 just, I don't know, not in a museum benefitty kind of mood.
 Ross: Right. Right, okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I yelled.
 Rachel: It's fine.
 Ross: No, but, your-your mad.
 Rachel: I'm not mad.
 Ross: No.
 Rachel: I'm just not going.
 Ross: Your not going.
 Rachel: Right.
 Ross: Okay. You know that I-I have to go.
 Rachel: Um, hum.
 Ross: Right. So is it gonna be like 'I'm abandoning you while your upset.'
 Rachel: No.
 Ross: No, because your not upset.
 Rachel: Right.
 Ross: About the yelling.
 Rachel: Right, and the humiliating.
 Ross: Oh, well of course, the humiliating. So, so wee, we're okay.
 Rachel: Um, hum.
 Ross: We're good.
 Rachel: Right.
 Ross: Okay. Honey?
 Rachel: Yes, Ross. (turns toward him)
 Ross: I love you. (goes to kiss her and she turns away.)
 Phoebe: (yelling from the bedroom) Get away from that! No! (she comes into the
 living room carrying the phone) She's just getting dressed.
 Chandler: Is it wrong that I was totally aroused by that?
 (Joey enters wearing a lot of clothes)
 Joey: Okay, buddy-boy. Here it is. You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you
 own.
 Chandler: Oh my God! That is so not the opposite of taking somebody's underwear!!
 Joey: Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes? Maybe
 if I wasn't going commando...
 Chandler: Oooo-ooh!
 Joey: Yeah. Whew, it's hot with all of this stuff on. I ah, I better not do any, I
 don't know, lunges. (starts doing lunges)
 Ross: Okay, okay. Enough, enough with the lunging. No! I'm sick of this. Okay. I've
 had it up to here with you two! Neither you can come to the party!
 Chandler: Jeez, what a baby.
 Joey: Yeah, Ross, way to ruin it. I was just going to get dressed.
 Ross: You know what I don't care. The only person I cared about getting dressed, is
 the one person that says she's not even gonna go. Look Rach, I'm sorry. Okay. Look, I-I
 wa, I was a jerk. I'm sorry I yelled. I want you there, I need you there. Look, what, what
 can I do that can show you how much, how much I want you to be there.
 Joey: You could drink the fat.
 Ross: Hi, welcome, to an adult conversation.
 Rachel: No, no, no, now wait, wa, wa, waa-it a minute, wait a minute, wait a
 minute, wait a minute. That actually, uh, that sounds interesting.
 Ross: What?
 Rachel: I think you should drink the fat.
 Joey: Yaaaay!
 Ross: Okay, okay. If that is what it takes to show you how much you mean to me, and
 how much I want you there. Then that's what I'll do.
 Phoebe: Oh, wait, let me get you another glass. That's been sitting out.
 Ross: I think this will be fine. Okay, vanilla milkshake, just a vanilla milkshake,
 with chicken bits floating in it. Cheers. (starts to drink, but Rachel stops him just
 before he starts drinking)
 Rachel: No, no, no, wait! Okay, okay. Don't! I'll go, I'll go!
 Ross: You will?!
 Rachel: You were really gonna do that, weren't you?
 Ross: Well, yeah.
 Rachel: You were gonna drink the fat.
 Joey: Let's see what else he'll do!
 Ross: (to Joey) How 'bout instead you, go get changed! (to Chandler) You, give him
 back his underwear! I'm gonna go get a cab, and I want everyone down stairs in two
 minutes! Monica!
 (Joey and Chandler start to leave, Joey is lunging as he is walking)
 Chandler: Stop it. Stop it!
 (Monica runs into the living room, and starts dialing the phone)
 Phoebe: Ross, went to get a cab so we can all... No, wh-what are you doing! No,
 Monica, no!
 Richard: (on machine) Hi, this is Richard.
 Machine: You have three new messages.


 The One With the Jam
 The One With the Jam
 Written by: Wil Calhoun
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is sitting reading a book and hears the bed in
 Joey's room creaking, and does a 'Oh no, not again' look on his face.]
 Joey: (from bedroom) WHOAA!!
 Chandler: (going to the bedroom) See Joe, that's why your parents told you not
 to jump on the bed.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are entering]
 Monica: Hey, look at me. I'm making jam, been at it since 4 o'clock this
 morning.
 Ross: Where'd you get fruit at four in the morning?
 Monica: Went down to the docks. Bet ya didn't know you could get it wholesale.
 Rachel: I didn't know there were docks.
 [Joey and Chandler enter]
 Joey: Hey.
 Chandler: Hey.
 Ross: Aww, is it broken?
 Joey: No, I gotta wear this thing for a couple weeks. (points to the sling he is
 wearing)
 Rachel: Did you tell the doctor you did it jumping up and down on your bed?
 Joey: Nooo. I had a story all worked out but then Chandler sold me out.
 Chandler: Well, I'm sorry Joe. I didn't think the doctor was gonna buy that it
 just *fell* out of the socket.
 Joey: What is this? Fruit?
 Rachel: Monica's making jam.
 Joey: Whoa, jam! I love jam! (to Chandler) Hey, how come we never have jam at
 our place?
 Chandler: Because the kids need new shoes.
 Monica: I'm going into business people. I'm sick and tired of being depressed
 about Richard. I needed a plan, a plan to get over my man. What's the opposite of man?
 Jam. (sees Joey trying some jam from the pot) Oh Joey don't! It's way to hot. (Joey
 realizes this and spits what he had in his mouth back into the pot.)
 Joey: This will just be my batch.
 [Scene: Street, Phoebe is being followed by some guy, as they pass a flower vendor.
 Phoebe turns around and the guy quickly picks up some flowers and continues following
 her.]
 Phoebe: (turns around) Um, that's it. No. Hey! You! J. Crew guy. Yeah. Why have
 you been following me? I mean, all week long everywhere I look there's you.
 Guy: You wouldn't return my calls, you sent back my letters....
 Phoebe: What?
 Guy: One more chance Ursula, please?
 Phoebe: Oooh. Oh, well this is awkward.
 Guy: Wh..
 Phoebe: Um, yeah, you want Ursula, and I'm Phoebe. Twin sisters! Seriously.
 Guy: Oh, that's great. I'm stalking the wrong woman. I am such a dingus!
 Phoebe: Oh, you're not a dingus.
 Guy: I just, I want you to know I didn't used to be like this. Before I meet
 your sister I was like this normal guy who sold beepers and cellular phones.
 Phoebe: Well, I mean look it's, it's not your fault, you know. I mean this is
 just what, what she does to guys, okay.
 Guy: Well thanks. (starts to leave)
 Phoebe: Wait, (grabs him) you know what, I got a little story. When I was in
 Junior High School I went through this period where I thought I was a witch. And there was
 this guidance counselor who said something to me, that I think will help you a lot. He
 said okay, 'you're not a witch you're just an average student.' See what I'm saying?
 Guy: Not really.
 Phoebe: Um, well, get over it. So, I mean you, you just seem to be a really nice
 guy, you know. Don't be so hard on yourself okay.
 Guy: Wait. You're right. I know you're right. And, thanks for being so nice.
 Here (gives her the flowers he bought.)
 Phoebe: Oh, thanks a lot. Do you want to get a cup of coffee?
 Guy: Yeah, okay.
 Phoebe: Okay. (they start to leave, he is still following her) Okay, you don't
 have to walk behind me any more.
 Guy: Sorry.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are entering]
 Rachel: Mon?
 Ross: Mon?
 Rachel: (reading) 'Gone for more jars. Back later. Monica Geller.'
 Ross: Wait a minute, look.
 Rachel: What?
 Ross: Look, look, look.
 Rachel: What, what, what?
 Ross: It's an empty apartment.
 Rachel: Oooh.
 Ross: We're all alone in an empty apartment.
 Rachel: Honey, come on, I have to be at work in like ten minutes (Ross starts
 kissing her neck) Oh, all right, well it's not like I'm employee of the year or anything.
 (they fall onto the couch)
 (Chandler enters and they both jump up and pretend that Ross is showing her something
 in the couch.)
 Ross: There it is.
 Rachel: Oh, oh, that's what you're talking about. (to Chandler) Hey.
 Ross: Hey.
 Chandler: Do I look fat?
 Ross and Rachel: Noo.
 Chandler: Okay, I accept that. When Janice asked me and I said no, she took that
 to mean that I was calling her a cow.


Rachel: Okay, walk us through it, honey, walk us through it.
 Chandler: Okay, well. Janice said 'Hi, do I look fat today?' And I, I looked at
 her....
 Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You looked at her. You never look. You just answer, it's
 just a reflex. Do I look fat? Nooo! Is she prettier than I am? Noo! Does size matter?
 Rachel: Nooo!
 Ross: And it works both ways.
 Chandler: Okay, so you both just know this stuff?
 Rachel: Well you know, after about thirty or forty fights, you kinda catch on.
 Ross: Okay, for instance. Let's say, Janice is coming back from a trip and she
 gives you two options. Option number 1 she'll take a cab home from the airport. Option 2
 is you can meet her at baggage claim. Which do you do?
 Chandler: That's easy, baggage claim.
 Ross: (buzzes) Wrong! Now you're single. It's actually secret option number
 three, you meet her at the gate. That way she knows you love her.
 Chandler: Okay, this is good, this is good. All right listen, I have one. Janice
 likes to cuddle, at night, which, you know I'm all for. But, uh, you know when you want to
 go to sleep, you want some space. So, uh, how do I tell her that without, you know,
 accidentally calling her fat or something.
 Rachel: Oh honey, I'm sorry we can't help you there, 'cause we're cuddlily
 sleepers. (Chandler makes an 'Ewww' face) Okay, I'm late for work.
 Ross: Oh.
 Rachel: All right are you guys gonna come down?
 Ross: Uh, yeah, yeah I'll, I'm right behind you.
 Rachel: Good luck Chandler.
 Chandler: Thank you Rachel.
 Ross: Bye sweetie.
 Rachel: Bye hon.
 Ross: (blows her a kiss) Okay the sleeping thing. Very tricky business, but
 there is something you can do.
 Chandler: Well, I thought you guys were cuddlily sleepers.
 Ross: Noo! No, not cuddlily, not me, just her. I'm like you, I need the room.
 Okay, come here. (they sit on the couch and Ross puts his hands on Chandler's shoulder and
 thigh.) Okay, you're in bed...
 Chandler: Yeah. (they both notice where his hands are)
 Ross: I'm gonna use the cushion.
 Chandler: Yeah.
 Ross: Okay, you're in bed. She's over on your side, cuddling. Now you wait for
 her to drift off, and then you hug her (demonstrates on the cushion) and roll her back
 over to her side of the bed. And then you rollll a-way. Hug for her! Roll for you.
 Chandler: Okay, the old hug and roll.
 Ross: Yep.
 Chandler: Okay, one question.
 Ross: Shoot.
 Chandler: You're pretending the pillow's a girl right?
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is putting jam on his muffin, lots of jam]
 Joey: Remember when you where a kid and your Mom would drop you off at the
 movies with a jar of jam and a little spoon?
 Rachel: (Looks at him) You're so pretty.
 Phoebe: (entering) Hi!
 All: Hey, Phoebe.
 Phoebe: Hey, oh, you know that guy who's been following me? I talked to him
 today.
 Joey: (with food in his mouth) You talked to him. Are you crazy?
 Phoebe: Okay, first I'm not crazy. And second, say it don't spray it. Anyway his
 name is Malcom, and he wasn't following me, I mean he was, but 'cause he thought I was
 Ursula, ick. And, that's why, that's why he couldn't just come up and talk to me. 'Cause
 of the restraining order.
 Chandler: Umm, not feeling better 'bout Malcom.
 Phoebe: Ooh! No, no, no, no, he's not like a kook, no. He's just like this, this
 very passionate, incredibly romantic guy, that got like a tinsy bit carried away, you
 know. And we just get along really well, and he's so cute.
 Ross: Oh my God, you've got a crush on your sister's stalker.
 Phoebe: No, I'm just gonna help him, you know, get 'de-Ursula-ized', like you
 know, like I did for Joey after he went out with her.
 Joey: (with his mouthful) Hey, I didn't stalk her. I mean (he sprays Phoebe with
 crumbs)
 Phoebe: Okay, I asked for the news, not the weather.
 Monica: (entering) Hey guys.
 All: Hey Mon.
 Monica: Joey, this is for you. (gives him a jar of jam) It's blackberry curin.
 Joey: Aww. (tastes it) Ohh!
 Chandler: Hey, Joe, I gotta ask. The girl from the Xerox place buck naked (holds
 up one hand), or, or a big tub of jam. (holds up the other hand)
 Joey: Put your hands together.
 Monica: Joey, take your time with that. That's my last batch.
 Joey: No more jam?!
 Rachel: Well, what happened to your jam plan?
 Monica: I figured out I need to charge seventeen bucks a jar just to break even.
 So, I've got a new plan now. Babies.
 Chandler: Well, your gonna need much bigger jars.
 Ross: What are you talking about?
 Monica: I'm talking about me having a baby.