 The One With The Football
 The One With The Football
 Written by: Ira Ungerleider
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang is there, the guys are
 watching football, the girls are cooking Thanksgiving dinner.]
 The Guys: (reacting to a play) Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Awww!
 Phoebe: Hey, it's your Thanksgiving too, y'know, instead of watching
 football, you could help.
 The Guys: We will. (they don't move)
 Monica: Okay, Rachel, you wanna put the marshmellows in concentric circles.
 Rachel: No Mon, you want to put them in concentric circles. I want
 to do this.
 (Rachel sticks a marshmellow into Monica's nose. Monica takes it out of her nose
 by closing one nostril, and blowing.)
 Monica: Every year.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]
 Phoebe: Y'know, for once, I am going to sit down and try to watch one of these
 things. (just as she sits down).
 Ross: Halftime.
 Joey: Hey, who wants to ah, throw the ball around a little, maybe get a little
 three on three going?
 Rachel: Oh! That would be sooo much fun!
 Phoebe: Oh, can I play too? I've never played football, like ever.
 Joey: Great, you can cover Chandler.
 Chandler: No, no, no, I don't, I don't really wanna play.
 Joey: Come on man! You never want to do anything since you and Janice broke up.
 Chandler: That's not true! I wanted to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut
 clusters all day. I wanted to start drinking in the morning. Don't say that I
 don't have goals!
 Joey: Chandler, you have to start getting over her. All right, if you play, you
 get some fresh air, maybe it'll take your mind off Janice, and if you don't
 play, everyone will be mad at you  cause the teams won't be even. Come on.
 Chandler: Yeah, all right, I'll play.
 Phoebe: Yay!!
 Rachel: Let's do it! Ross?
 Ross: What?
 Rachel: Do you wanna play football?
 Ross: Um, Monica and I aren't supposed to play football.
 Joey: Says who? Your mom?
 Monica and Ross: Yeah.
 Monica: Well, every, every Thanksgiving um, we used to have a touch football
 game called the  Geller Bowl.'
 Chandler: No, no, no, you say that proudly.
 Monica: Anyway, Ross and I were always captains, and um, it got kind've
 competitive and one year, Geller Bowl VI, I accidentally broke Ross's nose.
 Ross: It was soo not an accident. She saw I was about to tag her, so she
 threw her big fat grandma arm elbow right into my face. And just keep running.
 Monica: To score the winning touchdown, by the way.
 Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa, ho, ho, ho, you did not win the game, the touchdown
 didn't count, because of the spectacularly illegal, oh and by the way savage nose
 breaking.
 Monica: (to Chandler and Joey) I won the game.
 Ross: Oh yeah! Then how come you didn't get the Geller Cup?
 Rachel: Um, there was a Geller Cup?
 Ross: Yes, it was the trophy you got if you won the game. But our Dad said,
  nobody won that game,   and he was sick of our fighting, so he took the trophy
 and.... (pauses to collect himself, as he is on the verge of tears saying this) threw it
 in the lake.
 Chandler: And was the curse lifted?
 Ross: Anyway. That's when our Mom said we were not to play football ever
 again.
 Monica: Y'know what, I think we should play a game. I mean come on, it's
 been twelve years.
 Ross: Can I see you for a second?
 (they walk over to the sink and discuss it for a moment)
 Monica: (shouting) Once!!
 Ross: All right, we're gonna play.
 Chandler: But wait a minute though, how are we gonna get there, though, because
 my Mom won't let me cross the street.
 [Scene: The Park, the gang is warming up for their football game.]
 Monica: Okay. Let's bring it in.
 Rachel: Wait no, honey, honey throw it to me, throw it to me.
 Ross: Here you go. (throws her the ball)
 Rachel: (knocking it down instead of catching it) That almost hit me in the
 face.
 Joey: All right, we have to pick captains.
 Chandler: And then Tineals.
 Phoebe: Okay, so how do we decide that?
 Monica: Well, why don't we just bunny up.
 Rachel, Chandler, and Joey: What?
 Monica and Ross: (holding both of their hands above their heads making rabbit
 ears with their fingers.) Bunny!
 Monica: Okay, looks like Ross and I are captains. Okay, so um, I bunnied first
 so that means I get to pick first. Joey.
 Joey: Thank you.
 Rachel: Monica, I'm your best friend.
 Ross: Sweetie, don't worry you'll get picked. Chandler.
 Rachel: Ross!
 Monica: Phoebe.
 (Phoebe kisses Rachel on the cheek, then joins her team.)
 Ross: Sweetie, now I pick you.


Rachel: You don't pick me! You're stuck with me!
 Ross: Okay. All right. So let's see, let's play from the trash can, to
 the lightpost. Right. Two hand touch, we'll kick off.
 Monica: All right people listen, I've got exactly twenty-eight minutes
 before I have to baste again.
 Chandler: Wow! Just like in the pros.
 Monica: Huddle up.
 Joey: (to his team) All right, huddle up, right over here.
 Phoebe: Wait for me! Wait for me! Wait for me! Oh cool, this is my first huddle.
 Monica: Okay.
 Phoebe: Okay, so what do you guys really think of Chandler?
 Monica: Okay, Phoebe you know what you're doing right?
 Phoebe: Yeah.
 Monica: Okay, Joey's gonna catch it, and you and I are gonna block.
 Phoebe: What's block?
 Monica: Phoebe, I thought you said you know what you're doing?
 Phoebe: I thought you meant in life.
 Monica: Break.
 (Chandler is getting ready to kick off, Ross is holding the ball between his foot and
 finger.)
 Chandler: The ball is Janice. The ball is Janice. (goes to kick the ball but
 kicks Ross's foot instead.)
 Ross: Oww!! Son of a...!! Ow! Come on!
 Chandler: Sorry. I'm sorry. Y'know what, we're just gonna throw it.
 (Chandler throws the ball to kick-off.)
 Joey: I got it. (catches the ball)
 Phoebe: Go! Go! Go!
 (Joey runs up field and fakes out Ross and scores a touchdown. His team all celebrates
 the touchdown.)
 Monica: Score!! 7 to nothing!
 Rachel: (coming over to Ross, who is just getting up) Are you okay?
 Ross: Come on, let's go!
 Monica: Losers walk!
 Ross: Yeah, losers talk!
 Chandler: No, no, no, actually losers rhyme.
 [cut to later, Ross's team has the ball.]
 Chandler: (coming up under center, just like a real quarterback does, and puts
 his hands between Ross's legs.) Twenty-three!! Seventy-four!! (Ross stands up and
 looks at him) You wanna go shotgun?
 Ross: Yeah!
 Chandler: (from the shotgun) Hike!
 Monica and Joey: One-Mississippi. Two-Mississippi. Three-Mississippi.
 (Rachel runs a quick slant.)
 Rachel: Over here!
 (Chandler throws her the ball, which she drops.)
 Rachel: (proud of her self) I almost caught that one!
 Chandler: Great! Now, the score is 7 to almost 7.
 Ross: Okay, (to Chandler) this play, I want you to do a down and out to the
 right. Okay. Break!
 Rachel: Wait, what am I gonna do?
 Ross: You, you go long.
 Rachel: Wait, how long?
 Ross: Until we start to look very small.
 Rachel: Okay.
 Ross: Break!!
 [cut to later, Monica's team has the ball.]
 Joey: Set....hike!
 Ross: One-Mississippi, two-Mississippi, switch! Switch! Switch!!
 Chandler: No, no, no, no, no!
 (Monica throws the ball over Joey's head, it's stopped from rolling away by a
 very beautiful woman.)
 Joey: Haaaaa! Hey-hey, thanks for stopping our ball.
 Woman: (in a foreign accent) You are playing American football?
 Joey: Yeah! Wow, your like from a whole other country.
 Woman: I'm Dutch.
 Joey: Hi-hi, I'm Joey.
 Woman: I'm Margha.
 Joey: I'm sorry Dutch, I didn't get that last little bit.
 Chandler: (running up) Hey Joey, do you wanna play football or you wanna.. (sees
 Marhan) Hi, I'm Chandler.
 Margha: Hello, Chandler.
 Joey: Her name is Dutch, and also Marklan.
 Margha: Margha.
 Joey: Mar-klan.
 Margha: Mar-gha.
 Chandler: Mar-haaaan.
 [cut to Ross and Monica.]
 Monica: Come on guys! Let's go! Come on, it's second down.
 Ross: Uh, hello, it's third down.
 Monica: No it's not, it's second.
 Ross: Wow!
 Monica: Wow, what?
 Ross: It just amazes me that your still pulling stuff like this.
 Monica: Pulling what? It's second down.
 Ross: Okay, it's second down. (turns away) Take all the second downs you
 need.
 Monica: I heard that!
 Ross: Well, I said it loud.
 [cut to Chandler, Joey, and Margha.]
 Margha: It is okay, if I stay and watch?
 Chandler and Joey: Yeah! Why don't you stick around. You can sit right
 there.
 (she goes and sits down)
 Chandler: Well, that went well.
 Joey: I think so.
 Chandler: Y'know, I was thinking about ah, asking her for her number.
 Joey: Thanks man, but I think it makes a stronger statement if I ask for it
 myself, y'know.
 Chandler: Whoa-ho, whoa! No, I was thinking about y'know for me, as a part of
 that whole getting over Janice thing you were talking about.
 Joey: Oh, yeah, that. All right, means that much to ya, I'll let you have
 her.
 Chandler: Thanks. What, let me have her?! What do mean? Like if you didn't
 I wouldn't have a shot?
 Joey: Well I don't like to say it out loud, but, yeah! Don't feel bad
 man, we all have our strengths. You're better with numbers and stuff.
 Chandler: Math!! You're giving me math! All right, look y'know what, forget
 about it, you go for the girl, we'll see who gets her.
 [cut to later, in Ross's huddle.]


Ross: Chandler, I want you to run a post pattern to the left, okay. And
 sweetie..
 Rachel: Yeah, I know, go long. Y'know, it's like all I'm doing is
 running back and forth from the huddle.
 Ross: Well ah, you wanna just stay out there?
 Rachel: Can I see that for second.
 Ross: Yeah.
 (Rachel takes the ball from his hands and bounces it off of Ross's forehead and
 Chandler catches the rebound.)
 Ross: Okay. Hut! Hike!
 (Chandler runs around behind Ross, who pitches him the ball. Chandler runs upfield, and
 Joey knocks the ball out of his hands.)
 Joey: Fumble!
 (Joey starts to return the fumble and Chandler grabs Joey's shirt and rips it off
 of his back.)
 Joey: What the hell's the matter with you?! This is my favourite jersey.
 Chandler: Well now you have two. Hey, I am good at math.
 Joey: All right, that's it. Y'know I was still gonna let you have her. But
 now, forget about it. Prepare to feel very bad about yourself.
 Chandler: Hey! Well, I've been preparing for that my entire life! Or
 something about you that's mean!
 Monica: All right, come on guys, let's go! Tie score, and we're
 runnin' out of time. Forty-two!! Thirty-eight!! Hike! (the timer sounds as Monica
 throws the ball to Phoebe.)
 Phoebe: Oh I got it!! (catches the ball) Oh! Ew! Broken boob! Ow!
 Joey: Pheebs, run!
 Monica: Run, Phoebe, run!
 (Phoebe runs and scores a touchdown.)
 Phoebe: Touchdown!! Touchdown!!
 Ross: Uh, hello, the buzzer buzzed. It doesn't count.
 Monica: After the snap!
 Ross: Before the snap!
 Joey: After!!
 Chandler: Before!!
 Rachel: Now, does it really matter?
 All: Yes!!
 Phoebe: Well, okay, I made a touchdown. It was my first touchdown. So?
 Ross: Oh Pheebs, that's great. It doesn't count.
 Monica: Does so count!
 Ross: Cheater, cheater, compulsive eater.
 Phoebe: Oh my God!
 Monica: Y'know what, that's fine, maybe you haven't grown up, but I
 have.
 Ross: Oh-ho, okay.
 Monica: Dead leg!! (kicks him in the thigh.)
 Ross: Ow! Ow! Okay, okay, fine, fine! All right, you wanna win by cheating, go
 ahead, all right. Phoebe the touchdown does count, you win.
 Phoebe: Woo-yay!!
 Monica: No! Listen, I'm not gonna go through this with you again, okay.
 Just once I wanna beat when you can't blame it on the broken nose, the buzzer, or the
 fact that you thought you were getting mono. Let's just call this, tie score and
 it's halftime.
 Ross: Okay, first of all, I don't play with cheaters, and second of all,
 you know I had swollen glands!!
 Monica: Y'know what? I'll think you'll play.
 Ross: Oh really! Why is that?
 [cut to Monica and Rachel's.]
 Monica: Because the winner gets this!
 Ross: The Geller Cup.
 Chandler: Is everybody else seeing a troll doll nailed to a two by four?
 All: Yeah.
 Chandler: Okay, good.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: The park, the gang is returning to play the second half of the game.]
 Ross: Okay, where in the hell did you get that?!
 Monica: When Mom and Dad drove you to the hospital to get your nose fixed, I
 swam into the lake and fished it out.
 Ross: That cup is mine!
 Monica: No it's not! You want it, you're gonna have to win it!
 Rachel: All right, so are we not having dinner at all?
 Monica: Come on Phoebe, let's go! Come on, it's time to get serious,
 huddle up. Joey, keep your head in the game.
 Joey: It's hard, y'know, his huddle is closer to Dutch girl.
 Monica: All right look, if I take Chandler out of the running will you be able
 to focus?
 Joey: What are you gonna do?
 Monica: All right, you just make sure that Chandler catches the ball, I'll
 take care of the rest.
 Joey: Okay.
 Monica: Break!
 Joey: Here you go!
 (Joey throws the ball to Chandler)
 Ross: Chandler! Chandler!
 (Chandler catches the ball and starts to run upfield.)
 Chandler: (to Margha) Hi.
 (just as he gets in front of Margha, Monica comes up and tackles him)
 Monica: Whoa! Whoa!! Tackled by a girl! Bet ya don't see that everyday, do
 ya?
 Ross: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's with the tackling?
 Monica: What?! I just touched him and he went over.
 Ross: Okay, you wanna play rough, we can play rough.
 (They both stare each other down as we hear  Let's get ready to
 r-r-r-rum-ble!!!')
 (A long football sequence follows.)
 [Sequence 1: Monica throws the ball over Chandler's head to Joey who catches it
 for a touchdown, and starts to dance in celebration. Chandler then tackles him, and he
 starts to dance in celebration.]
 [Sequence 2: Monica runs upfield and stops, waiting for a pass. Ross runs over and
 pulls her pants down, steps in front of her and intercepts the pass.]
 [Sequence 3: Chandler throws a pass to Ross, who catches it. Phoebe starts screaming
 and runs up to him and tries to tackle him. But all she ends up doing is running around
 his waist and screaming.]
 [Sequence 4: Ross hikes the ball to Chandler, and the camera pans down to show Rachel
 standing deep in the end zone, playing with her gum. Something hits her on the head and
 she looks up to see where it came from.]
 [Sequence 5: Monica hands the ball off to Phoebe, who runs up field and delivers a
 fore-arm shiver to Chandler, knocking him over and scores the touchdown, and she yells...]


Phoebe: I love this game!!
 [cut to Ross who walks up to Rachel who is eating a baked pretzel.]
 Ross: Hey, where'd you get that?
 Rachel: I went really long.
 Monica: Forty-two to twenty-one! Like the turkey, Ross is done!
 Ross: It's no surprise that your winning,  cause you got to pick
 first, so you got the better team.
 Monica: You're so pathetic! Why can't you just accept it, we're
 winning because I'm better than you.
 (Ross makes a  Yeah. Right.' sound.)
 Monica: Oh, what a great argument, exhaling! All right, y'know what, I'll
 prove it to you, okay. I'll trade you Joey for Rachel, and I'll still win the
 game.
 Ross: What?! The guys against the girls? See, that's ridiculous Monica,
 because I'm only down by three touchdowns.
 Monica: Oh, then bring it on! Oh, unless of course your afraid you might lose to
 a bunch of girls.
 Ross: Fine, fine, Rachel your with Monica, Joey you're with me.
 Rachel: I can not believe your trading me!!
 Monica: Come on Rach, come on. Let's see what's it like to be on a
 winning team for a change.
 Rachel: Are you gonna let me play?
 Monica: All right then.
 [cut to the guys' team.]
 Margha: (coming over) The game is over, we eat now?
 Chandler: No-no-no-no, the game's not over, we're just switching
 teams.
 Joey: Yeah, Chandler finds me so intimdating that it's better if we're
 on the same team.
 Ross: Right. Okay, let's play. Let's go.
 Chandler: No ah, hold on a second Joe, where do Dutch people come from?
 Joey: Ah well, the ah, Pennsylvania Dutch, come from Pennsylvania.
 Chandler: And the other ah, Dutch people, they come on from somewhere near the
 Netherlands, right?
 Joey: Nice try. (to Margha) See the Netherlands is this make believe place where
 Peter Pan and Tinker Bell come from.
 Margha: Oh, my.
 Ross: Enough with geography for the insane, okay? Let's play some ball,
 guys.
 Joey: Whoa, whoa, no, no, I-I'm not playing with this guy, now.
 Chandler: Fine with me.
 Ross: Okay, y'know what, let's just cut to the chase here. Okay? Heidi,
 which of my boys do you like?
 Chandler and Joey: What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing?
 Margha: Which do I like?
 Ross: Yeah, y'know for dating, general merriment, taking back to your
 windmill...
 Margha: Well, if I had to chose right now, which by the way I find really weird,
 I would have to say, Chandler.
 Chandler: Yes!!
 Joey: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! She obviously didn't understand the
 question.
 Chandler: Well, you don't you have Captain Hook explain it to her.
 Margha: I'm sorry, Joey, that is my chose.
 Chandler: You hear that! That is her chose, mister I'll let you have her! I
 win! You suck! I rule all! A mini-wave in celebration of me!! (does the wave.)
 Margha: I'm now thinking I would like to change my answer to, no one.
 Chandler: Wh-what?
 Margha: I now find you shallow and um, a dork. All right, bye.
 Joey: Nice going. You just saved yourself a couple months of sex.
 Chandler: Y'know what, it doesn't matter,  cause she picked me. Me!
 From now on I get the dates and you have to stay home on Saturday nights watching Ready,
 Set, Cook!
 Ross: Save the breakthroughs for therapy, okay. The clock is ticking. We have no
 time, and we are losing, we are losing to girls.
 Chandler: We're not gonna lose to girls.
 Ross: Hey! It's 42-21!
 Joey: This sucks, I was just up by that much!
 Monica: Are we playing football or what? Come on you hairy-backed Marries.
 [cut to the girls huddle.]
 Monica: We have to do this. We are playing for women everywhere. Okay, just
 think about every lousy date that you ever had, okay, every guy who kept on the TV while
 you're making out...
 Phoebe: Oh my God! You dated someone with a glass eye too?!
 Monica: Come on, okay, come on this is for all womankind. Let's kill
  um!
 Rachel: Yeah!!! Kill  um!!!
 Phoebe: All right, no, well I want to kill them to, but their boys, y'know how
 are we gonna beat three boys?
 (Another football sequence follows)
 [Sequence 1: Chandler is running past Phoebe with the ball, Phoebe flashes him, he
 stops and stares dumbfounded at her. Phoebe then runs up and takes the ball away.]
 [Sequence 2: Phoebe throws the ball, and it's intercepted by Joey, who starts to
 run up field. Rachel jumps on his back in order to try and tackle him, but she
 doesn't slow him down. Monica and Phoebe then both grab her legs in order to stop
 Joey, who still manages to fight through the tackle and score the touchdown.]
 [Sequence 3: Chandler is running with the ball, Phoebe flashes him again, but Chandler
 covers his eyes, and keeps running. He then runs into a tree at the end of the field.]
 [cut to the girls huddle]


 The One Where Rachel Quits
 The One Where Rachel Quits
 Written by: Michael Curtis and Gregory S. Malins
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]
 Chandler: (reading the comics) Eh..., I don't, I don't know.
 Rachel: What?
 Chandler: Well, as old as he is in dog years, do you think Snoopy should still
 be allowed to fly this thing?
 Gunther: Rachel?
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Gunther: Do you remember when you first came here, how you spent two weeks
 getting trained by another waitress?
 Rachel: Oh, sure! Do you need me to train somebody new?
 Gunther: (laughs) Good one. Actually, ah, Terry wants you to take the training
 again, whenever.
 Rachel: (to Chandler) Eh, do you believe that?
 Chandler: (thinks about it) Yeah?
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: The hallway of Ross's building, there is a Brown Bird girl selling
 cookies, as Ross and Chandler come up the stairs.]
 Sarah: So that's two boxes of the Holiday Macaroons. On behalf of the Brown
 Birds of America, I salute you. (Does the Brown Bird salute, she blows on a bird call,
 then holds her hand, palm facing out, next to her face, and then waves it like a bird
 flapping it's wings.)
 Ross: Just admit it Chandler, you have no backhand.
 Chandler: Excuse me little one, I have a very solid backhand.
 Ross: Shielding your face and shrieking like a girl... is not a backhand.
 Chandler: I was shrieking... like a Marine.
 (they both start up the stairs.)
 Ross: All right here. Watch me execute the three  P's of championship
 play. Power. (swings the racquet) Precision. (swings the racquet.) and penache. (does a
 backswing and hits Sarah who's started up the stairs, knocking her down, they both
 watch in horror.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, the gang's all there discussing the incident.]
 Monica: You broke a little girl's leg?!!
 Ross: I know. I feel horrible. Okay.
 Chandler: (reading the paper) Says here that a muppet got whacked on Seasame
 Street last night. (to Ross) Where exactly were around ten-ish?
 Ross: Well, I'm gonna go see her. I want to bring her something, what do
 you think she'll like?
 Monica: Maybe a Hello Kitty doll, the ability to walk...
 (Rachel starts to laugh, and Ross notices her.)
 Rachel: I'm gonna get back to retraining. (gets up)
 Ross: All right, see you guys. (starts to leave)
 Chandler: Look out kids, he's coming! (Ross continues to leave with his
 head down in shame.)
 Joey: And I gotta go sell some Christmas trees.
 Phoebe: Have fun. Oh wait, no, don't! I forgot I am totally against that
 now.
 Joey: What? Me having a job?
 Phoebe: No, no, I am against innocent trees being cut down in their prime, and
 their, their corpses grotesquely dressed in like tinsel and twinkly lights. (to Joey) Hey,
 how do you sleep at night?
 Joey: Well, I'm pretty tired from lugging the trees around all day. Hey,
 Phoebe listen, you got this all wrong. Those trees were born to be Christmas trees, their
 fulfilling their life purpose, by, by making people happy.
 Phoebe: Really?
 (Phoebe turns and looks at Monica, while Joey frantically motions to Chandler to help
 him out.)
 Chandler: Yes. Yes, and ah, ah, the trees are happy too, because for most of
 them, it's the only chance to see New York.
 [cut to Gunther retraining Rachel.]
 Gunther: ...and after you've delivered the drinks, you take the empty
 tray....
 Rachel: Gunther, Gunther, please, I've worked here for two and a half
 years, I know the empty trays go over there. (points to the counter.)
 Gunther: What if you put them here. (sets the empty tray on another stack of
 empty trays on the back counter.)
 Rachel: Huh. Well, y'know that's actually a really good idea, because that
 way they'll be closer to the mugs. Y'know what, you should have the other waitresses
 do that too.
 Gunther: They already do. That's why they call it the  tray
 spot.'
 Rachel: Gee, I always heard them talk about that, I just always thought that it
 was a club they went to. Oh God, I'm, I'm sorry. (walks away)
 Gunther: It's all right. Sweetheart.
 [Scene: Sarah's bedroom, her room is decorated with a space motif.]
 Ross: So, this must be kinda neat for ya, huh? I mean, your Dad tells me that
 you get a couple of days off school, and you, you ah, don't have to sell those
 cookies anymore.
 Sarah: Well, I kinda wanted to sell the cookies. The girl who sells the most
 wins a trip to Spacecamp, and gets to sit in a real space shuttle.
 Ross: Wow, you ah, you really like all this space stuff, huh?
 Sarah: Yeah. My Dad says if I spend as much time helping him clean apartments,
 as I do daydreaming about outer space, he'd be able to afford a trip to the Taj
 Mahal.


Ross: I think you would have to clean a whole lot of apartments to go all the
 way to India.
 Sarah: No. The one in Atlantic City, Dad loves the slots. He says he's
 gonna double the college money my Grandma left me.
 Ross: Huh. Well, good luck to Dad. Say, how many more boxes would you have to
 sell in order to win?
 Sarah: The girl who won last year sold four hundred and seventy-five.
 Ross: Yeah.
 Sarah: So far, I've sold seventy-five.
 Ross: Four hundred, huh? Well, that sounds do-able. (starts to get out his
 wallet) How much are the boxes?
 Sarah: Five dollars a box.
 Ross: (puts away his wallet) And what is second prize?
 Sarah: A ten speed bike. But, I'd rather have something my Dad
 couldn't sell.
 Ross: Well, that makes sense.
 Sarah: Could you do me one favor, if it's not too much trouble?
 Ross: Yeah, Sarah, anything.
 Sarah: Could you pull open the curtains for me? The astronauts from the space
 shuttle are gonna be on the news, and since we don't have a TV, the lady across the
 alley said she'd push hers up to a window, so I could watch it.
 [Scene: A hallway, Ross is selling Brown Bird cookies for Sarah, he stops and knocks on
 a door.]
 Woman: (looking through her peephole, we see Ross standing in the hallway.)
 Yesss?
 Ross: Hi, I'm selling Brown Bird cookies.
 Woman: You're no Brown Bird, I can see you through my peephole.
 Ross: No, hi, I'm, I'm an honorary Brown Bird (does the Brown Bird
 salute.)
 Woman: What does that mean?
 Ross: Ah, well, it means that I can sell cookies, but I'm not invited to
 sleep-overs.
 Woman: I can dial 9-1-1 at the touch of a button, y'know. Now, go away!
 Ross: No, please, please, um, it's for a poor little girl who wants to go
 to Spacecamp more than anything in the world.
 Woman: I'm pressing, a policeman is on his way.
 Ross: Okay, okay! I'm going. I'm going. (goes across the hall to knock
 on another door.)
 Woman: I can still see you!
 Ross: All right!!
 [Scene: Joey's work, selling Christmas trees.]
 Phoebe: (walking up to Joey) Hey.
 Joey: Hey. What, what are you doing here?
 Phoebe: Well, I-I thought a lot about what you said, and um, I realilized duh,
 all right maybe I was a little judgmental. Yeah, (looks at the tree) oh, but oh...
 Joey: Look now, Phoebe remember, hey, their just fulfilling their Christmas....
 Phoebe: Destiny.
 Joey: Sure.
 Phoebe: Yes.
 Joey: All right.
 Phoebe: Okay. (One of Joey's co-workers, walks by with a dead tree.) Yikes!
 That one doesn't look very fulfilled.
 Joey: Oh, that's, that's ah, one of the old ones, he's just
 taking it to the back.
 Phoebe: You keep the old ones in the back, that is so ageist.
 Joey: Well we have to make room for the fresh ones.
 Phoebe: So, what happens to the old guys?
 Joey: Well, they go into the chipper.
 Phoebe: Why, do I have a feeling that's not as happy as it sounds? (Joey
 points out one going into the chipper to her, as this haunty, demonic music starts to play
 in the background) No! Nooooo!!! (she winces in horror and hides her face against
 Joey's shoulder, as she sees the tree spit out from the chipper.)
 Joey: (to the guy operating the chipper) Hey! Hey!! (makes the  cut
 it' motion with his hands)
 [Scene: Central Perk, all except Phoebe are there, Ross is telling the gang, minus
 Rachel who's still being retrained, about the different cookie options.]
 Ross: ...and these come in the shapes of your favourite Christmas characters,
 Santa, Rudolph, and Baby Jesus.
 Joey: All right, I'll take a box of the cream filled Jesus's.
 Ross: Wait a minute, one box! Come on, I'm trying to send a little girl to
 Spacecamp, I'm putting you down for five boxes. Chandler, what about you?
 Chandler: Ahh, do you have any coconut flavoured deities?
 Ross: No, but ah, there's coconut in the Hanukkah Menoreoes. I tell you
 what, I'll put you down for eight boxes, one for each night.
 (Chandler mouths  Okay.')
 Ross: Mon?
 Monica: All right, I'll take one box of the mint treasures, just one, and
 that's it. I-I started gaining weight after I joined the Brown Birds. (to Ross)
 Remember, how Dad bought all my boxes and I ate them all?
 Ross: Ah, no Mon, Dad had to buy everyone of your boxes because
 you ate them all. But ah, y'know I'm sure that's not gonna happen this time, why
 don't I put you down for three of the mint treasures and just a couple of the
 Rudolph's.
 Monica: No.
 Ross: Oh, come on, now you know you want  em.
 Monica: Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't do this.
 Ross: I'll tell you what Mon, I'll give you the first box for free.


Monica: (she reaches out for it and stops) Oh God! I gotta go! (runs out)
 Ross: Come on! All the cool kids are eating  em! (chases after her.)
 [cut to Gunther retraining Rachel.]
 Gunther: And when you have a second later, I wanna show you why we don't
 just trap spiders under coffee mugs and leave them there.
 Rachel: (sitting down next to Chandler) I'm training to be better at a job
 that I hate, my life officially sucks.
 Joey: Look Rach, wasn't this supposed to a temporary thing? I thought you
 wanted to do fashion stuff?
 Rachel: Well, yeah! I'm still pursuing that.
 Chandler: How... exactly are you pursuing that? Y'know other than sending out
 resumes like what, two years ago?
 Rachel: Well, I'm also sending out.... good thoughts.
 Joey: If you ask me, as long as you got this job, you've got nothing
 pushing you to get another one. You need the fear.
 Rachel: The fear?
 Chandler: He's right, if you quit this job, you then have motivation to go
 after a job you really want.
 Rachel: Well then how come you're still at a job that you hate, I mean why
 don't you quit and get  the fear'?
 (Chandler and Joey both laugh)
 Chandler: Because, I'm too afraid.
 Rachel: I don't know, I mean I would give anything to work for a designer,
 y'know, or a buyer.... Oh, I just don't want to be 30 and still work here.
 Chandler: Yeah, that'd be much worse than being 28, and still
 working here.
 Gunther: Rachel?
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Gunther: Remind me to review with you which pot is decaf and which is regular.
 Rachel: Can't I just look at the handles on them?
 Gunther: You would think.
 Rachel: Okay, fine. Gunther, y'know what, I am a terrible waitress, do you know
 why I'm a terrible waitress? Because, I don't care. I don't care. I
 don't care which pot is regular and which pot is decaf, I don't care where the
 tray spot is, I just don't care, this is not what I want to do. So I don't think
 I should do it anymore. I'm gonna give you my weeks notice.
 Gunther: What?!
 Rachel: Gunther, I quit.
 Chandler: (to Joey) Does this mean we're gonna have to start paying for
 coffee? (Joey shrugs his shoulders.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is entering numbers on a calculator as Ross reads
 off how much he's sold.]
 Ross: ....and 12, 22, 18, four... (Chandler starts laughing) What?
 Chandler: I spelled out boobies.
 Monica: (comes up and starts looking through Ross's cookie supply) Ross,
 but me down for another box of the mint treasures, okay. Where, where are the mint
 treasures?
 Ross: Ah, we're out. I sold them all.
 Monica: What?
 Ross: Monica, I'm cutting you off.
 Monica: No. No, just, just, just a couple more boxes. It-it-it's no big
 deal, all right, I'm-I'm cool. You gotta help me out with a couple more boxes!
 Ross: Mon, look at yourself. You have cookie on your neck.
 Monica: (covers her neck) Oh God! (runs to the bathroom)
 Chandler: So, how many have you sold so far?
 Ross: Check this out. Five hundred and seventeen boxes!
 Chandler: Oh my God, how did you do that?
 Ross: Okay, the other night I was leaving the museum just as  Laser
 Floyd' was letting out of the planetarium, without even trying I sold 50 boxes!
 That's when it occurred to me, the key to my success,  the munchies.' So I
 ah, started hitting the NYU dorms around midnight. I am selling cookies by the case. They
 call me: 'Cookie Dude!'
 Rachel: (entering) Okay, stop what you're doing, I need envelope stuffers,
 I need stamp lickers.....
 Ross: Well hey, who did these resumes for ya?
 Chandler: Me! On my computer.
 Ross: Well you sure used a large font.
 Chandler: Eh, yeah, well ah, waitress at a coffee shop and cheer squad
 co-captain only took up so much room.
 Rachel: Hey-hey-hey that's funny! Your funny Chandler! Your a funny guy!
 You wanna know what else is really funny?!
 Chandler: Something else I might have said?
 Rachel: I don't know, I don't know, weren't you the guy that told
 me to quit my job when I had absolutely nothing else to do. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!!
 Ross: Sweetie, calm down, it's gonna be okay.
 Rachel: No, it's not gonna be okay Ross, tomorrow is my last day, and I
 don't have a lead. Okay, y'know what, I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna call
 Gunther and I'm gonna tell him, I'm not quitting.
 Chandler: You-you-you don't wanna give into the fear.
 Rachel: You and your stupid fear. I hate your fear. I would like to take you and
 your fear....
 Joey: (entering, interrupting Rachel) Hey! I got great news!
 Chandler: Run, Joey! Run for your life! (runs out)
 Joey: What? Rachel, listen, have you ever heard of Fortunata Fashions?


Rachel: No.
 Joey: Well my old man is doing a plumbing job down there and he heard they have
 an opening. So, you want me to see if I can get you an interview?
 Rachel: Oh my God! Yes, I would love that, oh, that is soo sweet, Joey.
 Joey: Not a problem.
 Rachel: Thanks.
 Joey: And now for the great news.
 Ross: What, that wasn't the great news?
 Joey: Only if you think it's better than this... (holds up an aerosol can)
 snow-in-a-can!! I got it at work. Mon, you want me to decorate the window, give it a kind
 of Christmas lookie.
 Monica: Christmas cookie?
 [Scene: Joey work, Joey is showing a guy a tree.]
 Joey: Okay, and ah, this one here is a Douglas Fir, now it's a little more
 money, but you get a nicer smell.
 Guy: Looks good. I'll take it.
 Phoebe: (running up carrying a tree) Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! No, no, you
 don't want that one. No, you can have this cool brown one. (points to the almost dead
 tree she has)
 Guy: It's-it's-it's almost dead!
 Phoebe: Okay but that's why you have to buy it, so it can fulfil it's
 Christmas destiny, otherwise there gonna throw it into the chipper. Tell him, Joey
 Joey: Yeah, the ah, trees that don't fulfil their Christmas destiny are
 thrown in the chipper.
 Guy: I-I think I'm gonna look around a little bit more.
 Joey: Pheebs, you gotta stop this, I working on commission here.
 Monica: (entering) Hey, guys. I'm here to pick out my Christmas tree.
 Phoebe: Well look no further, (shows her the dead one) this one's yours!
 Ahhh.
 Monica: Is this the one that I threw out last year?
 Phoebe: All right y'know what, nevermind! Everyone wants to have a green one!
 I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get so emotional, I guess it's
 just the holidays, it's hard.
 Monica: Oh honey, is that  cause your Mom died around Christmas?
 Phoebe: Oh, I wasn't even thinking about that.
 Monica: Oh. (turns and looks at Joey, who gives a  way-to-go' thumbs
 up and smile.)
 [Scene: A Brown Bird meeting, Ross is there with the other Brown Birds to see who won
 the contest.]
 Ross: (to the girl sitting next to him) Hi there. How many, how many ah, did you
 sell?
 Girl: I'm not gonna tell you! You're the bad man who broke
 Sarah's leg.
 Ross: Hey now! That was an accident, okay.
 Girl: You're a big scrud.
 Ross: What's a scrud?
 Girl: Why don't you look in the mirror, scrud.
 Ross: I don't have too. I can just look at you.
 Leader: All right girls, and man. Let's see your final tallies. (all the
 girls raise their hands) Ohhhh, Debbie, (looks at her form) 321 boxes of cookies, (to
 Debbie) Very nice.
 Ross: (to himself) Not nice enough.
 Leader: Charla, 278. Sorry, dear, but still good.
 Ross: (to himself) Good for a scrud.
 Leader: Oh, yes Elizabeth. Ah, 871.
 Ross: That's crap!! Sister Brown Bird. (to Elizabeth) Good going. (does the
 salute)
 Leader: Who's next? (goes over and stands behind Ross, who's
 feverishly writing on his form, and clears her throat to get his attention.)
 Ross: Hi there!
 Leader: Hi. And batting for Sarah, Ross Geller, 872. Although, it looks like you
 bought an awful lot of cookies yourself.
 Ross: Um, that is because my doctor says that I have a very serious....
 nuget.... diffency.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross are there.]
 Chandler: Tell us what happened, Brown Bird Ross.
 Ross: Well, I lost. Some little girl loaned her uniform to her nineteen year old
 sister, who went down to the U.S.S. Nimitz, and sold over 2,000 boxes.
 Chandler: (to Rachel, who's entering) Hey! How'd the interview go?
 Rachel: Oh, I blew it. I wouldn't of even hired me.
 Ross: Oh, come here sweetie, listen, you're gonna go on like a thousand
 interviews before you get a job. (she glares at him) That's not how that was supposed
 to come out.
 Phoebe: This is the worst Christmas ever.
 Chandler: Y'know what Rach, maybe you should just, y'know stay here at the
 coffee house.
 Rachel: I can't! It's too late! Terry already hired that girl over
 there. (points to her) Look at her, she's even got waitress experience. Last night
 she was teaching everybody how to make napkin.... (starts to cry) swans.
 Ross: That word was swans.
 [Scene: The hallway between the two apartments, Chandler, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are
 coming up the stairs.]
 Chandler: Well seeing that drunk Santa wet himself, really perked up my
 Christmas.
 (They start to go into Monica and Rachel's, their apartment is filled with all of
 the old Christmas trees from Joey's work.)
 Phoebe: Oh! Oh my God!
 Joey and Monica: (jumping up from behind the couch) Merry Christmas!!
 Phoebe: You saved them! You guys! Oh God, you're the best!


 The One Where Chandler Can't Remember Which Sister
 The One Where Chandler Can't Remember Which Sister
 Written by: Alexa Junge
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe, Ross, Joey, and Rachel are
 there, Joey is demonstrating a card trick.]
 Joey: Okay, pick a card, any card. (Monica picks one) All right, now memorize
 it. Show to everybody. Got it?
 Monica: Um-mm.
 Joey: All right, give it back to me. (takes the card back, but he looks at the
 card before he puts it back in the deck, he holds the deck to his forehead, and thinks a
 little while) 5 of hearts.
 (Monica is sarcastically amazed.)
 Ross: Real magic does exist.
 Rachel: Wow.
 Monica: Wow. Joey, (sarcastically) how do you do it?
 Joey: I can't tell you that, no.
 (We hear some knocking coming from the ceiling.)
 Ross: Ah, somebody's at the door on the ceiling.
 Rachel: Noo, that's our unbelievably loud upstairs neighbor.
 Monica: He took up the carpet, and now you can hear everything.
 Phoebe: Why don't you go up there and ask him to  step lightly,
 please?'
 Monica: I have like five times, but the guy is so charming, that I go up there
 to yell and then I end up apologizing to him.
 Phoebe: Ooh, that is silly. (gets up) I'll go up there, I'll tell him
 to keep it down.
 Monica: All right, be my guest.
 Rachel: Good luck.
 (Phoebe exits)
 Joey: All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, you really wanna
 know how I did it, I'll show ya. When you handed me back the card, what you
 didn't see was, I looked at it so fast that it was invisible to the naked eye. (picks
 up a card and quickly looks at it) I just did it. (does it again) I just did it, again.
 Here, I'll slow it down so that you guys can see it. (looks and the card in slow
 motion)
 All: Oh, I got it.
 (We hear Phoebe knock at the door upstairs, and the guy answer it.)
 Phoebe: (muffled through the floor) Yeah, look I was with my friend downstairs
 and we hear everything up here that you do, and I am sick and tired... (I tired but the
 rest is unintelligible).
 Guy: (muffled) Whoa, you are very beautiful.
 Phoebe: (muffled) Oh, thank you.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]
 Chandler: (entering) Hey, anybody got a length of rope about six feet long with
 a little nouse at the end?
 Monica: Honey, what's the matter?
 Chandler: I just saw Janice.
 All: Oh.
 Chandler: Yeah, she was at Rockefeller Center skating with her husband, she
 looked so happy. I almost feel bad for whipping that kid's pretzel at them.
 Joey: Man, I remember the first time I saw that girl Katherine, after we broke
 up. She was just walking with her friend Donna, just laughing and talking. God, it killed
 me.
 Chandler: Yes, but you ended up having sex with both of them that afternoon.
 Joey: Sorry, I just, any excuse to tell that story y'know....
 Ross: Hey Chandler, there's a party tomorrow, you'll feel better then.
 Chandler: Oh, y'know what, I'm gonna be okay, you don't have to throw
 a party for me.
 Monica: It's Joey's birthday.
 Chandler: Oh, well then, if anybody should have a party it should be him.
 (We hear Phoebe's muffled voice through the ceiling.)
 Monica: Sush!! I cannot believe she is still up there.
 (We hear the guy telling a joke, and Phoebe laughing.)
 Chandler: Okay, well he totally screwed up the punch line. Y'know, it's
 supposed to be arrghh-eh og-errigh.
 [Scene: Fortunata Fashions, Rachel's new job.]
 Mr. Kaplan: (entering) How's that coffee comin,' dear?
 Rachel: (jumping up from reading her magazine) Yeah, right away Mr. Kaplan.
 Mr. Kaplan: I'm not supposed to drink coffee, it makes me gassy.
 Rachel: I know!
 Mr. Kaplan: I'll bet your thinking,  What's an intelligent girl
 who wants to be in fashion, doing making coffee?' Eh?
 Rachel: Op.
 Mr. Kaplan: Eh.
 Rachel: Oh, you got me.
 Mr. Kaplan: Well, don't think I haven't noticed your potential. Well,
 I've got a project for you that's a lot more related to fashion. How does that
 sound?
 Rachel: Oh, that sounds great.
 Mr. Kaplan: Come on over here, sweetheart. (they walk over to a storage closet)
 Rachel: Oh thank you so much Mr. Kaplan, thank you so much.
 Mr. Kaplan: (opening the closet door revealing that it's full of tangled up
 hangers.) I need these hangers separated ASAP. (she is stunned) You're welcome.
 [Scene: The Moondance Diner, Rachel is talking to Monica about her job.]
 Rachel: Oh God, I hate my job, I hate it, I hate my job, I hate it.
 Monica: I know honey, I'm sorry.
 Rachel: Oh, I wanna quit, but then I think I should stick it out, then I think
 why would such a person stay in such a demeaning job, just because it's remotely
 related to the field they're interested in.


Monica: (gives her a look) Gee, I don't know Rach. Order up!! I got a
 Yentel soup, a James Beans, and a Howdy hold the Dowdy!
 Rachel: Oh honey, come on, I'm sorry, I didn't.... I don't mind
 paying my dues, y'know, its just how much am I gonna learn about fashion by walking Mira,
 the arthritic seamstress, to the bathroom.
 (A guy at the end of the table starts laughing.)
 Rachel: (to him) Hi! Is my misery amusing to you?
 Guy: I'm sorry, I wa, I wa, I was just ah.... (starts to laugh again)
 Rachel: It's not funny, this is actually my job.
 Guy: Oh believe me, I-I-I've been there. I had to sort mannequin heads at
 that Mannequins Plus.
 Rachel: Oh well then, so I'm just going to go back to talking to my friend
 here. And you can go back to enjoying your little hamburger.
 Guy: Ah, just one other thing.
 Rachel: Yes?!
 Guy: I ah, I work at Bloomingdale's and I might know of a job
 possibility if your, if your interested?
 Rachel: (looks at Monica) (to him) Do you want my pickle?
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, it's Joey's party.]
 Gunther: (to Monica and Phoebe) Hey guys.
 Monica: Hey Gunther. Hi. (to Phoebe) I mean you're going out on a date with
 the noisy guy upstairs?
 Phoebe: Well, he's very charming.
 Monica: I know, he's too charming, but if you two start going out, then
 it's just gonna make it so much harder for me to hate him.
 Phoebe: Well, you're just gonna have to try.
 Monica: Joey, where are the Jell-o shots?
 Joey: I don't know, Chandler is supposed to be passin'  em
 around...
 (Camera cuts to show Chandler giving a Jello shot to the ceramic dog and holding an
 empty tray of Jello shots.)
 Joey: Chandler!
 Chandler: Hello-dillillio!!
 Ross: Oh, somebody's feeling better.
 Monica: (to Chandler) Stick out your tongue.
 Chandler: (to Monica) Take off your shirt!
 (Chandler sticks out is tongue and it's a horrible shade of green.)
 Monica: Oh my!!
 Joey: Oh my God! How many of these things did you have? These are pure vodka.
 Chandler: Yeah, Jell-o just like Mom used to make.
 Rachel: (entering, to Ross) The most unbelievable thing happened to me today.
 Ross: Hi!
 Rachel: Hi! So I'm out having lunch at Monica's and this guy starts
 talking to me, and it turns out he works for a buyer at Bloomingdale's and
 there happens to be an opening in his department. So I gave him my phone number and
 he's gonna call me this weekend to see if he can get me an interview!
 Ross: Wow!
 Rachel: I know!
 Ross: What, so this guy is helping you for no apparent reason?
 Rachel: Uh-huh!
 Ross: And he's, he's a total stranger?
 Rachel: Yeah! His name is um, Mark something.
 Ross: Huh. Sounds like Mark Something wants to have some sex.
 Rachel: What!?
 Ross: Well, I'm just saying, I mean why else would he just, y'know, swoop
 in out of nowhere for no reason.
 Rachel: To be nice.
 Ross: Hey, Joey. Are men ever nice to strange women for no reason?
 Joey: No, only for sex.
 Ross: Thank you. (to Rachel) So did you ah, did you tell Mark Something about
 me?
 Rachel: I didn't have to, because I was wearing my  I heart Ross'
 sandwich board and ringing my bell.
 Ross: Uh-huh.
 Joey's Sisters: (entering) Joey!!! Happy Birthday!! (all 7 of them look
 almost identical)
 Joey: Hey!! Hey-hey-hey!
 Chandler: (to Monica) Okay, how many of that girl are you seeing?
 Monica: How hammered are you? Huh? These, these are Joey's sisters.
 Chandler: Hi Joey's sisters!
 Phoebe: (to one of his sisters, Cookie) Hey!
 Cookie: Hey. What are we drinkin' over here.
 Phoebe: Well, I have ah, vodka and cranberry juice.
 Cookie: No kiddin,' that's the exact same drink I made myself right
 after I shot my husband.
 Phoebe: Wow. Okay, I don't know how to talk to you.
 (Cut to Chandler)
 Sister 1: (to Chandler) What  cha doing?
 Chandler: Oh, I'm taking my ex-girlfriend of my speed dialer.
 Joey's Sisters: Oh!!
 Chandler: No-no-no-no, no, it's a good thing. Why must we dial so speedily
 anyway? Why must we rush through life? Why can't we savor the precious moments? (to
 one of Joey's sisters) Those are some huge breasts you have.
 (Cut to Ross and Monica)
 Ross: Hi.
 Monica: Hi.
 Ross: Yeah. So um, I-I heard about this ah, Mark guy that ah, Rachel met today.
 Monica: Isn't that great?
 Ross: Oh yeah! So ah, kinda pretty, pretty good. He sounds like a nice, good
 guy.
 Monica: Oh, he is. And he is so dreamy. I mean, y'know what, when he left I
 actually used the phrase,  Hummina-hummina-hummina.' (walks away)
 Ross: That's excellent.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are eating breakfast.]


Ross: (to Rachel) So, he's just a nice guy. You really think this Mark
 doesn't want anything in exchange for helping him?
 Rachel: Well, I assume I'll have to take showers with him, but y'know,
 that's true of any job.
 (Chandler enters hungover and groaning)
 Monica: How ya feelin'?
 Chandler: Well, my apartment isn't there anymore, because I drank it.
 Phoebe: Where'd you get too? We lost you after you opened up all the
 presents.
 Ross: Yeah.
 Chandler: Yeah, I ended up in the storage room, and not alone.
 All: Woooo hoooo!!!
 Chandler: Ow, no  woo-hooing,' no  woo-hooing.'
 Phoebe: Why, what happened?
 Chandler: Ah, I fooled around with Joey's sister. (Phoebe gasps) Well,
 that's not the worst part.
 Monica: What is the worse part?
 Chandler: I can't remember which sister.
 Ross: (to Rachel) You see what men do! Don't tell me men are not nice!
 (points to Chandler) This is men!!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]
 Monica: Are you insane? I mean Joey, is going to kill you, he's actually
 going to kill you dead.
 Chandler: Okay! You don't think I thought of that?
 Phoebe: How can you not know which one?
 Rachel: I mean that's unbelievable.
 Monica: I mean, was it Gina?
 Ross: Which one is Gina?
 Rachel: Dark, big hair, with the airplane earrings.
 Monica: No, no, no, that's Dina.
 Chandler: (to Monica) You see you can't tell which one is which either,
 dwha!!
 Phoebe: We didn't fool around with any of them. Dwha! Dwha!
 Chandler: Veronica. Look, it's got to be Veronica, the girl in the red
 skirt. I definitely stuck my tongue down her throat.
 Monica: That was me.
 Chandler: Look, when I've been drinking, sometimes I tend to get overly
 friendly, and I'm sorry.
 Monica: That's okay.
 Rachel: That's all right.
 Ross: That's okay.
 Joey: (angrily entering, to Chandler) Can I talk to you for a second?!
 Ross: Hey, Joey.
 Rachel: Hey. (they all walk away from Chandler)
 Joey: Come on!! (motions for Chandler to come with him)
 Chandler: Why can't we talk in here? With, with, witnesses.
 Joey: I just got off the phone with my sister.
 Ross: Ah, which, which one?
 Joey: Mary-Angela.
 Ross: Mary-Angela.
 Joey: Yeah.
 Monica: Y'know which one was she again?
 Joey: Why don't you ask Chandler,  cause he's the one that fooled
 around with her. She told me you said you could really fall for her. Now is that
 true? Or are you just gettin' over Janice by groping my sister.
 Chandler: It's gotta be the first one.
 Joey: Really? That's great! You and my sister, sittin' in a tree.
 Chandler: Yep, I'm in a tree.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is writing letters as Rachel enters.]
 Rachel: Did he call? Did Mark call?
 Monica: No honey, I'm sorry, but the weekend's not over yet.
 Rachel: Oh. (we hear laughing from the upstairs apartment) Oh my God, is that
 Phoebe?
 Monica: I guess they're back from their date.
 (He starts to play music.)
 Rachel: Music. Very nice.
 (We hear them start making out upstairs.)
 Monica: Oh my God!
 Rachel: So, how are you?
 Monica: I am good. I finished my book.
 (Things start to get really hot upstairs.)
 Rachel: Oh yeah, what's it about?
 Monica: I don't remember. Do you wanna take a walk?
 Rachel: Yeah, I do. (they both run out)
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is reading a letter that Chandler wrote.]
 Ross: Dear Mary-Angela. Hi. How's it going. This is the hardest letter
 I've ever had to write. (to Chandler) What the hell's a matter with you? How do
 you think Joey's going to react when he finds out that you blew off his sister with a
 letter?
 Chandler: Well, that's the part where you tell him that I moved to France.
 When actually I'll be in Cuba.
 Ross: All right, look, look, you've got to do this yourself, okay in
 person. At least you know her name. You just go to the house and you ask for Mary-Angela,
 okay, when which ever one she is comes to the door, you take her for a walk, you let her
 down easy.
 Chandler: What if Mary-Angela comes to the door and I ask for Mary-Angela?
 Ross: Where in Cuba?
 [Scene: Joey's sister's house, Chandler hits himself on the head three times
 and knocks on the door three times. Joey answers it.]
 Chandler: (shocked) Joey, what-wh-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-what are you doing
 here?
 Joey: Waiting for my Grandma to finish my laundry. What about you?
 Chandler: I'm here to see Mary-Angela.
 Joey: You are so the man! (motions him to come in, and he does) Now look,
 listen, listen, you got to be cool,  cause my Grandma doesn't know about you two
 yet, and you do not want to tick her off. She was like the sixth person to spit on
 Mussolini's hanging body. Yeah.


Chandler: Where's Mary-Angela?
 Joey: She's right in there. (motions to the living room)
 (Chandler walks into the living room, and sees all of Joey's sisters, all wearing
 red.)
 Joey's Sisters: Hey, Chandler!
 [Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Ross, and Rachel are there.]
 Rachel: I can't believe Mark didn't call. It's Sunday night, and
 he didn't call.
 Ross: Bummer.
 Rachel: (to Ross) Yeah, right. Look at you, you're practically giddy.
 Ross: No, I'm genuinely sorry the Mark thing didn't work out. Look,
 Rach, I want only good things for you.
 Monica: Wait a minute, why don't you just call Mark. (they both look up in
 shock) I mean, who says you have to sit here and wait for him, you've got to make
 stuff happen.
 Ross: But, you, you don't want to seem too pushy.
 Monica: (to Ross) Honey, it's not pushy, he gave her his home number.
 Ross: (to Rachel, as she gets his number) What, he gave you his home number? As
 in like, to, to his home?
 Rachel: Yeah, and you don't mind if I call, because you only want good
 things for me.
 Ross: That's right good things, that-that is what I said. (glances at
 Monica)
 Rachel: (on phone) Hello, Mark? Hi, it's Rachel Green. (listens) Oh no,
 don't you apologize. (listens) Yeah, I'll hold. (to Monica and Ross) He left my
 number at work, but he was helping his niece with her report on the pioneers.
 Ross: That is so made up!
 Rachel: (on phone) Yeah, oh my God, tomorrow! That, no, it's perfect. Oh
 God, thank you soo much. Great! Bye! (hangs up phone) I got the interview!
 Monica: Yay!
 Ross: There you go.
 Rachel: He even offered to meet me for lunch tomorrow to prep me for it.
 Monica: Oh, that is amazing!
 Ross: Yeah well, if I know Mark, and I think I do, I'd expect nothing less.
 Rachel: I got to figure out what I'm going to wear.
 Ross: High collar and baggy pants say I'm a pro.
 Rachel: Yeah! Right! Okay, I'll see you guys later. (starts to leave) Woo
 hoo!
 Ross: You go get  em. (to Monica) What did I do to you? Did I hurt you in
 some way?
 Monica: What?
 Ross:  Why don't you call him?!' Well, thank you very much!
 Y'know now he is going to prep her, y'know prep her, as in what you do when you surgically
 remove the boyfriend!
 Monica: Are you crazy?!
 Ross: Am I! Am I! Am I out of my mind! Am I losing my senses!! This dreamy guy
 is taking my girlfriend out for a meal.
 Monica: What?! Ross y'know this isn't even about you! I mean this is about
 Rachel and something wonderful happening for her. I mean you know even if you're
 right, what if he wants to sleep with her, does it mean he gets too?
 Ross: No.
 Monica: I mean don't you trust her?
 Ross: Well, yeah!
 Monica: Then get over yourself! Grow up!
 Ross: (shyly) You grow up.
 [Scene: Joey's sister's house, they're finishing up dinner.]
 Chandler: This teramisu is, is excellent. Did you make it Mary-Angela?
 Joey's Grandmother: No! I did!
 Chandler: Well, it's, it's yummy. So Mary-Angela do you like it?
 Joey's Grandmother: Of course! It's her favorite.
 Chandler: So um, Mary-Angela, what's your second favorite?
 Joey's Grandmother: More of Grandma's teramisu.
 Chandler: Would you just please....give me the receipt  cause this is
 great. It's top notch.
 Joey's Grandmother: That dies with me.
 Chandler: So will I.
 Joey's Sister: Excuse yourself, and go to the bathroom.
 Chandler: Oh no-no-no I was just squinting. That doesn't mean anything.
 Joey's Sister: (whispering in his ear) Just do it.
 Chandler: Will you excuse me I have to um..... (walks to the hall)
 [Cut to the hall, Joey's sister runs up and grabs Chandler's butt.]
 Chandler: (startled) Hey!
 Joey's Sister: Finally, I thought we'd never be alone. Can I just tell
 you something, I have not stopped thinking about you since the party. (kisses him)
 Chandler: Look, I may have jumped the gun here. (she tries to kiss him, but he
 ducks it and moves away) Um, I just got out of a relationship and I'm not really in
 a, in a commitment kind of place.
 Joey's Sister: So! Me neither! God, Mary-Angela was right you do have the
 softest lips.
 Chandler: Ahhhh, you're not Mary-Angela.
 Joey's Sister: No, I'm Mary-Theresa.
 Chandler: This is so bad. If-if you're not Mary-Angela, then-then who is?
 Mary-Angela: (standing behind Chandler) I am!
 Chandler: Oh, this is soo bad. (doesn't see Mary-Angela)
 Mary-Angela: Joey!!!
 Chandler: No Joey! No Joey! Don't Joey! Joey!
 Joey: What's goin' on?
 Chandler: (pats him on the shoulder) You're it! Now run and hide!
 Mary-Theresa: It's no big deal. Chandler was just kissin' me because
 he thought I was Mary-Angela.
 Joey: What?! How could you do that, how could you think she was Mary-Angela?


 The One With All The Jealousy
 The One With All The Jealousy
 Written by: Doty Abrams
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is getting ready for her first day.]
 Rachel: (running in from her bedroom, wearing only a towel) Okay. Hey. Umm. Does
 everybody hate these shoes?
 Chandler: Oh yeah, but don't worry. I don't think anybody's gonna focus on that
 as long as your wearing that towel dress.
 Rachel: (to Ross) Tell him.
 Ross: (to Chandler) It's her first day at this new job. Your not supposed to
 start with her!
 Chandler: All right, I suppose I can wait a day. Hey, what are you doing Friday?
 Ross: Why?
 Chandler: I need you to come to this bachelor party for my weird cousin Albert,
 y'know he's the botanist.
 Ross: Oh God. Y'know, botanists are such geeks.
 Chandler: Yeah. Is that a dinosaur tie?
 Ross: Hmm? Oh, yeah. (he makes a growling sound)
 Phoebe: (entering, with about 20 purses hanging around her neck) Morning. Rach,
 I'm here with the purses!
 Chandler: (to Phoebe) It must take you forever to find your keys.
 Rachel: (running into the living room) Thank you, thank you, thank you, Pheebs.
 Phoebe: Your welcome, oh please not the one with the turtles.
 Rachel: No, no, no, no turtles scare me. I don't need that today.
 Ross: Honey, just relax, it's gonna be fine. Hey, umm,. why don't I come down
 there and I'll take you out to lunch?
 Rachel: Oh honey, thank you, but Mark's taking me out.
 Ross: Mark is that ah, the same Mark that helped you get the job?
 Rachel: Yeah, it's kinda like a 'good luck on your first day' sort of thing. (to
 Phoebe) Is this actually a lunchbox?
 Phoebe: Umm, no, it's a purse. And there's a thermos in it.
 Rachel: Oh.
 Chandler: (to Ross) Hey, so can you make it on Friday?
 Ross: What? Oh yeah, yeah I think so. Why am I invited to this again?
 Chandler: Well apparently Albert has no friends. He's very excited about the
 bachelor party though. I think actually the only reason he's getting married is so he can
 see a stripper.
 Phoebe: A stripper at a bachelor party, that is so cliche. Why don't you get a
 magician?!
 Chandler: Well, if the magician can open my beer with his but cheeks, then all
 right.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Chandler are entering, Joey is on the phone.]
 Ross: She's having lunch with him. She's having lunch with him. And you should
 of seen the hug she gave him when she got the job. And, and, and, (to Joey) he's really
 good looking. (Joey gives an enthusiastic thumbs up) What am I gonna do?
 Chandler: Don't do anything. Keep it inside. Learn how to hide your feelings!
 (pause) Don't cry outloud.
 Joey: (hanging up the phone) Yes! Guess who's in an audition for a Broadway
 musical?
 Chandler: I want to say you but, that seems like such an easy answer.
 Joey: It is me! It's a musical version of Tale of Two Cities. So I think
 I'm gonna sing New York, New York, and ah, oh I left My Heart in San Francisco.
 Ross: Ah Joey, I don't think you get to pick the cities.
 Joey: What?
 Ross: Mr. Dickens gets to pick 'em.
 Joey: Who?
 Chandler: I'll get you the Cliff Notes.
 Joey: The what?
 Chandler: The abridgment.
 Joey: Oh, okay. (to Ross) The what?
 [Scene: Rachel's office, Mark is training Rachel.]
 Mark: ...and the style number, and the invoice number, and the shipping date.
 Good. Any questions so far?
 Rachel: Yeah. What kind of discount do we get?
 Mark: Twenty percent.
 Rachel: Oh!! I love this job! (her phone rings) Wow! My first call.
 Mark: Here, let me. (answers phone) Rachel Green's line, how may I help you?
 Ross: (on phone) Hi, is Rachel there?
 Mark: And who may I say is calling?
 Ross: This is Ross?
 Mark: Ross of.....
 Ross: Of Ross and Rachel.
 Mark: Oh hi. It's, it's Mark.
 Ross: Oh hey, hey Mark.
 Mark: Hey, hold on a second.
 Ross: Okay.
 Rachel: Hi honey!
 Ross: Hi! What's ah, what's Mark doing answering your phone?
 Rachel: Oh, he's just goofing around.
 Ross: Ohhhhh yeah, that's, that's funny. Why ah, why isn't he goofing around in
 his own office?
 Rachel: Oh honey, this is his office too. I told you we're Joanna's two
 assistants.
 Ross: Why does Joanna need two assistants, how, how lazy is she?


Rachel: Oh! Oh my God! What did I just do?
 Ross: What?
 Rachel: I think I just shipped 3,000 bras to personnel. Oh honey, I gotta go.
 (to Mark) Mark, I need you!
 Ross: Okay, bye-bye. (starts slamming the receiver down in anger.)
 Rachel: Ow! Ross!!
 Ross: Oh, oh, I'm, I'm, I'm sorry sweetie, I was just trying to ah, I'm dialing
 another number. (hangs up)
 [Scene: The Moondance diner, Monica is cleaning up with one of the waiters, with her
 back turned to him she removes her fake breasts and hides them under her wig.]
 Jeannine: (to Monica) All right, I just got changed in thirty seconds so you can
 be alone with him. You'd better go for it.
 Monica: Please, I'm not going for anything.
 Jeannine: Well, if you don't, I will.
 Monica: Would you please go?
 Jeannine: Night Mon. Night Julio.
 Julio: (to Jeannine) Adios.
 (Monica starts wiping down the stools, as Julio follows along behind her replacing the
 napkin holders.)
 Monica: Look Julio, someone left their book here.
 Julio: Ah actually, that is mine.
 Monica: Oh yeah, what are you reading?
 Julio: Flowers of Evil, by Beaudalire. Have you read it?
 Monica: Have I read it? (pause) No, are you enjoying it?
 Julio: I thought I would, but the translation's no good.
 Monica: Your a poet and don't know it. (she turns away and makes a face like 'I
 can't believe I just said that.')
 Julio: Actually I ah, I am a poet.
 Monica: Oh, then you do know it. (pause) So um what kind of things do you write
 about?
 Julio: Things that move me. The, the shadow of a tree, a child laughing, or this
 lip. (points to her lip)
 Monica: Mine? (points to her lower lip) Right here?
 Julio: I can write an epic poem about this lip. (grabs her lower lip)
 Monica: How would that go? (they kiss) Well, it didn't rhyme, but I liked it.
 [Scene: Joey's audition.]
 Joey: (singing) You've got to pick a pocket or two. Boyyyyssss, (picks a
 handkerchief from the pianist's pocket) you've got to pick a pocket or two..........
 Director: Lovely, just lovely.
 Joey: Really? Thanks.
 Director: Listen Joey, we definitely want to see you for the callback on
 Saturday.
 Joey: Excellent, I'll be there.
 Director: Okay, and listen don't forget to bring your jazz shoes for the dance
 audition.
 Joey: Ahhh! My ah, my agent said it wasn't a dancing part.
 Director: Joey, all the roles got to dance a little. But believe me with your
 dance background it'll be a piece of cake.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is reading Joey's resume.]
 Chandler: ....three years of modern dance with Twila Tharp! Five years with the
 American Ballet Theater?!
 Joey: Hey, everybody lies on their resume, okay. I wasn't one of the Zoom Kids
 either.
 Phoebe: Well, can you dance at all?
 Joey: Yeah, I can dance, y'know. (starts to dance really, really, really badly)
 Chandler: Oh no, no, no, no.
 Phoebe: (covering her mouth in shock) What, what is that?
 Joey: Sure, it looks stupid now, there's no music playing.
 (phone rings)
 Chandler: All right, I have to get that, but no-no. (answering phone) Hello?
 (listens) (happily) Hi! Yeah listen, I'm, I'm in need of a stripper and I was told that
 you do that. (listens) Let me ask you this, what, what do you do for the extra hundred?
 (listens) So would I, would I have to provide the grapes?
 Monica: (entering) Hi!
 Phoebe: Oh, how was last night with Julio, senorita?
 Monica: It was soo amazing, he is so sexy, and smart, which makes him even
 sexier. Oh gosh, I gotta so you this. Last night, we were fooling around and he stops to
 write a poem.
 Joey: Get out! I couldn't stop if a meteor hit me.
 Chandler: Okay, we have our stripper. A miss Crystal Chandelier.
 Joey: Well sure, you name a kid that, what do you expect them to grow up to be?
 Monica: Anyway um, when he left he forgot to take the poem with him. Now, I am
 like totally dense about poetry, but I think it's pretty good all right. Check it out.
 (hands them the poem)
 Joey: (reading) The Empty Vase. Translucent beauty...
 Chandler: To yourself. (finishing) Hey-hey-hey, y'know what that's pretty good.
 Monica: Oh good, I think so too. Pheebs?
 Phoebe: Oh yeah.
 Monica: Oh, I'm so glad you guys like it. Yay! All right I gotta go to work.
 (tries to take the poem)
 Joey: Whoa, I'm not done.
 Monica: All right, just give it back to me when your done. See you guys.


Chandler: Bye-bye.
 (Monica leaves)
 Phoebe: Oh my God, oh my God! Poor Monica!
 Chandler: What, what, what?!
 Phoebe: What?! He was with her when he wrote this poem. Look, (reading) 'My
 vessel so empty with nothing inside. Now that I've touched you, you seem emptier still.'
 He thinks Monica is empty, she is the empty vase!
 Chandler: You really think that is what he meant?
 Phoebe: Oh, totally. Oh, God, oh, she seemed so happy too.
 Joey: Done.
 [Scene: Rachel's office, her desk is covered with stuff Ross has sent her.]
 Mark: (reaching through the flowers) Do you have the, the Ralph Lauren file?
 Rachel: Oh, yeah, sure, it's umm... (she picks up this bug and it starts to play
 the theme from Love Story)
 Mark: Wh-what's that?
 Ross: It's from Ross, it's a love bug.
 Mark: Wow! Somebody wants people to know you have a boyfriend.
 Rachel: Oh no, no-no-no, that's not, not, not, what he is doing. He's just, he's
 just really romantic.
 Man: (to Rachel) Ah, excuse me, are you Rachel Green?
 Rachel: Yes.
 Man: (being joined by the rest of the barbershop quartet) One, two, three...
 Quartet: (singing) Congratulations on your first week at your brand new job! It
 won't be long before your the boss.
 The Bass Barber: Omm-pah, omm-pah, omm-pah.
 Quartet: (singing) And you know who will be there to support... you?! Your one
 and only boyfriend...
 The Bass Barber: It's nice to have a boyfriend.
 Quartet: Your loyal loving boyfriend Ross..... Ross!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are entering the living room from her
 bedroom.]
 Ross: I'm hurt! I'm actually hurt, that you would think that I would send you
 any of those things out of any thing other than love. Hurt! Hurt!
 Rachel: All right Ross!! I get it!!
 Ross: I mean my God...
 Rachel: You're hurt!
 Ross: ...can't, can't a guy send a barbershop quartet to his girlfriend's office
 anymorrrrre!!
 Rachel: Oh, please, Ross it was so obvious! It was like you were marking your
 territory. I mean you might have well have just come in and peed all around my desk!
 Ross: I would never do that!
 Rachel: Look, I know what's going on here, okay, Mark explained it all to me. He
 said this is what you guys do.
 Ross: Yeah well if, if, if Mark said that, than Mark's an idiot.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Ross, Joey are there.]
 Joey: Mark's a genius!
 Ross: Why?! How?! How is he a genius?
 Chandler: Look, don't you see what's happening here. Instead of hitting on her
 right away, he's becoming her confidant. Now he's gonna be the guy she goes too to
 complain about you.
 Ross: What am I going to do?
 Chandler: Well, why don't you send her a musical bug, op, no you already did
 that. All right look, you're going to have to go there yourself now, okay, make a few
 surprise visits.
 Ross: I don't know you guys.
 Chandler: All right fine, don't do anything, just sit here and talk to us,
 meanwhile she is talking to him about you. And he's being Mr. Joe Sensitive, and she
 starts thinking 'Maybe this is the guy for me, because he understands me.'
 Joey: And before you know it, she's with him. And you'll be all, 'Ohh, man!' And
 he'll be all, 'Yes!' And us, we'll be like, 'Wh-whoa, dude.' And pretty soon you'll be
 like, (sadly) 'Hhiii,' and, and, and, 'I can't go, Rachel and Mark might be there.' And
 we'll be like, 'Man get over it, it's been four years!!'
 Chandler: He paints quite a picture doesn't he?
 [Scene: Rachel's office.]
 Woman: (walking up to Mark) Here's the Shelly Siegal stuff from December.
 Mark: (turning around) And wait, I've got something for you. (kisses her)
 Woman: Mark!!
 Mark: It's okay, Rachel knows.
 Woman: Yeah, but even soo.
 (Ross appears in the hallway just outside of Rachel's office.)
 Mark: I can't help it, I'm just, I'm just crazy about you.
 Rachel: Ohhh! That is soo sweet! (gets up to get herself a cup of coffee)
 (Ross is eavesdropping in the hallway.)
 Mark: Okay, okay look, I know I'm being Mr. Inappropriate today, but it's just
 so tough, I mean see you walking around and I just wanna touch you and hold you, come on
 no one's around, just, just kiss me.
 (They start to kiss, and Ross rushes into the office to break it up.)
 Ross: All right that's, that's it!! Get off her!
 Mark: What is going on?
 Ross: What's going on?! (throws the love bug at him) That's what's going on!!


Rachel: (now standing behind Ross) Ross!
 (Ross finally looks at the woman kissing Mark.)
 Ross: I have been down in your store for twenty minutes trying to get a tie!
 What do I have to do to get some service?! (turns to Rachel) Hi Rach. (He's puts his hand
 on her shoulder and she knocks it away.)
 [Scene: Joey's dance audition, Joey is warming up.]
 Director: Ah Joey. Joey Tribbiani. Listen Joey, I got a problem, I just got a
 call from my dance captain, he's having a relationship crisis and can't get out of Long
 Island.
 Joey: So, does that mean the audition is off?
 Director: Listen Joey, seeing as you've got the most experience, I want you to
 take these dancers and show them the combination.
 Joey: What?!
 Director: Aw come on Joey, it's easy. Y'know, it's hand, hand, head, head, (very
 quickly, Joey watches stunned) up, pas de bouree, pas de bouree, big turn here, grand
 sissone, sissone, sissone, slide back, step, step, step, and jazz hands!
 Joey: It's ah, step-ity, step and jazz hands.
 Director: Have fun.
 Joey: Bye. (does the jazz hands)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is tying a ribbon to a vase.]
 Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
 Monica: Hey.
 Phoebe: What are you wrapping?
 Monica: Oh-ho, look what I got Julio.
 Phoebe: Yeah, it's a vase.
 Monica: Yeah, just like the one in the poem.
 Phoebe: Well not exactly like the one in the poem.
 Monica: What do you mean?
 Phoebe: Remember how you said you were really dense about poetry? Oh. (hugs her)
 [Scene: The Moondance Diner.]
 Monica: (to Julio) So! I'm just an empty vase, huh?
 Julio: What?
 Monica: Y'know, so I don't read as many important books as you do, and I don't
 write trick poems that seem to be about one thing but are actually about something else.
 And y'know what, I get excited about stupid stuff, like when I my People magazine
 comes on Saturday, and the new Hold Everything catalog. Y'know but that does not
 mean that I'm empty, I care about things. I care about my friends and family. You have no
 right to make that kind of judgment about me.
 Julio: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
 Monica: You don't even know me...
 Julio: Whoa, whoa, whoa, the poem is not about you.
 Monica: What?
 Julio: The Empty Vase is not about you. My baby, you make me so sad that you
 would think this.
 Monica: I'm sorry, my friend Phoebe...
 Julio: No, it's about all women. Well, all American women. You feel better now?
 Monica: (sarcastically) Oh yeah.
 [Scene: Joey's audition, the director has returned and wants to see the combination.]
 Director: All right, let's do it!
 (The group does the same horrible dance that Joey did earlier in the show, except
 they're all out of sync and they do the jazz hands at the end.)
 Director: No, no, no. What was that?
 Joey: I know, it was the best I could get out of them.
 Director: Well, people!
 Joey: People, people, people.
 Director: Let's try it again, and this time let's watch everybody watch Joey.
 (to Joey) Show 'em how it's done. (to the pianist) Count it off.
 (The pianist starts to play, and Joey readies himself, and then runs out of the
 audition.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Rachel are there.]
 Rachel: So ah, did you have fun at the bachelor party last night?
 Chandler: Oh yeah, yeah! Look what I got, look what I got. (holds up a pen) See,
 she's fully dressed, right?
 Rachel: Right.
 Chandler: And then you click it and, uh-oh, she's naked. And then, and then you
 click it again and she's dressed. She's a business woman, she's walking down the street,
 she's window shopping, and (clicks pen) whoa-whoa-whoa, sh-she's naked! (Rachel just
 stares at him.)
 Ross: (entering) Hi.
 Rachel: Hello.
 Chandler: Y'know what, I'm, I'm gonna spend some alone time with the pen.
 Ross: (sits down next to her) I'm sorry, I was an idiot.
 Rachel: A big idiot.
 Ross: A big idiot. Just you have to realize is, this whole Mark thing is kinda
 hard for me.
 (Gunther is eavesdropping in the background.)
 Rachel: Honey, why is it hard, I mean we've been together for almost a year now?
 Ross: Well, I was with Carol for like eight years and I lost her. And now if
 it's possible I think I love you even more. So, it's hard for me to believe that I'm not
 gonna, well that someone else is not going to take you away.
 Gunther: Let it be me! Let it be me!


 The One Where Monica and Richard Are Friends
 The One Where Monica and Richard Are Friends
 Written by: Michael Borkow
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: A Video Store, Monica is running in to return a video.]
 Monica: (to clerk) Hi.
 (The clerk enters the video into the computer.)
 Clerk: Six dollars, please.
 Monica: Six? I just had it for one night. It's three.
 Clerk: Eight o'clock is the cut-off and, (looks at his watch) aww,
 it's 8:02.
 Monica: Y'know in a weird way, you have too much power. Look, you're gonna
 have to help me out here,  cause I only have three.
 Richard: (standing behind her, without his moustache) I can help with that.
 Monica: Oh my God. Richard? (turns around) Hi!
 Richard: Hi!
 Monica: Wow! Your lip went bald. (Richard pays the clerk) Hey, thanks.
 Richard: So, you look great.
 Monica: Right.
 Richard: No you do. You... just...
 Monica: What?
 Richard: You've got panties stuck to your leg.
 Monica: (removes them) That's because I-I was just grabbing some things out
 of the dryer, and it's static cling. Or maybe it's just that God knew I'd
 be running into you and saw an opportunity.
 Richard: It's good to see you.
 Monica: It's good to see you too.
 (They hug, and Richard notices a stocking stuck to Monica's back, which he removes
 for her.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: continued from earlier.]
 Monica: You see that guy? He's in classics now, but y'know as soon as we
 leave he's going straight to the porn.
 Richard: He's gonna go up to the counter with Citizen Kane, Vertigo,
 and Clockwork Orgy. (they both laugh) This is nice.
 Monica: Yeah.
 Richard: I missed this.
 Monica: Me too.
 Richard: So, you wanna get a hamburger or something?
 Monica: Oh, um, I don't know if that's a good idea.
 Richard: Oh. Look, just friends, I won't grope you. I promise.
 Monica: No, I just I think that it's too soon.
 Richard: No it's not too soon, I had lunch at a eleven.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Ross. Joey, and Rachel are eating breakfast.
 Chandler is holding a bottle of Hersey's Syrup.]
 Chandler: Yeah, baby!
 Ross: What are you doing?
 Chandler: Making chocolate milk. Do you want some?
 Ross: No thanks. I'm 29.
 Rachel: (looking at her watch) Oh my God, I gotta go to work!
 Ross: Oh sweetie, when do you think you're going to get off tonight?
 Rachel: Oh I don't know honey. It's gonna be really late.
 Ross: Oh come on, not again.
 Rachel: I know. I'm sorry. Look, I'll make a deal with you all right?
 Okay?
 Ross: Hmm.
 Rachel: For every night that you're asleep before I get home from work...
 Ross: Yeah.
 Rachel: I will wake you up in a way that's proved very popular in the past.
 Ross: Now, if you need to stay late, I want to be supportive of that.
 Rachel: Right.
 Phoebe: (entering, holding a pair of Roller Blades) Hi.
 All: Hey.
 Joey: (to Phoebe) Look at you. Since when do you roller blade?
 Phoebe: Oh! Since tomorrow. I met this really cute guy in the park and he like
 y'know, jogs, and blades, and swims, and so y'know we made a deal that's he's
 going to teach me all sorts of jock stuff.
 Ross: And what are you going to do for him?
 Phoebe: I'm going to let him.
 Ross: Okay.
 Joey: Cool.
 Monica: (entering from her bedroom) Morning.
 All: Hey.
 Rachel: Somebody got in late last night.
 Monica: Yeah well, I ran into Richard.
 (They all gasp)
 Rachel: When did this happen?
 Monica: Oh, um, around 8:02. We ah, talked for a little while, and then um, we
 went out for an innocent burger.
 Phoebe: Oh, there's no such thing as an innocent burger.
 Ross: So, are you gonna see him again?
 Monica: Tomorrow night.
 Rachel: Monica, what are you doing?
 Chandler: Well, she spent the last six months getting over him, and now
 she's celebrating that by going on a date with him.
 Monica: It's not a date, okay. I'm just gonna teach him how to make
 lasagne for some pot luck dinner he has.
 Joey: Well, you might wanna make a little extra, y'know you'll probably be
 hungry after the sex.
 Monica: We're not gonna have sex! Okay, nothing's changed here. He
 still doesn't want children and I still do, so that's why we're just gonna
 be friends.
 Ross: Naked friends.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching TV.]
 Rachel: (entering) Hey.
 Joey: Hey.
 Rachel: Do you have any ice?
 Joey: Check the freezer. If there's none in there, then we're probably
 out. Are you just getting in from work? It's late.
 Rachel: Yeah, I know. I had the greatest day though, I got to sit in on the
 meeting with the reps from Calvin Klien. I told my boss I liked this line of
 lingerie, she ordered a ton of it. How was your day?


Joey: I discovered I'm able to count all of my teeth using just my tongue.
 Rachel: Hmm. (she opens the freezer) Umm, why do you have a copy of The
 Shining in your freezer?
 Joey: Oh, I was reading it last night, and I got scared, so.
 Rachel: But ah, you're safe from it if it's in the freezer?
 Joey: Well, safer. Y'know, I mean I never start reading The Shining,
 without making sure we've got plenty of room in the freezer, y'know.
 Rachel: How often do you read it?
 Joey: Haven't you ever read the same book over and over again?
 Rachel: Well, umm, I guess I read Little Women more than once. But I mean
 that's a classic, what's so great about The Shining?
 Joey: The question should be Rach, what is not so great about The
 Shining. Okay? And the answer would be: nothing. All right? This is like the scariest
 book ever. I bet it's way better than that classic of yours.
 Rachel: Okay. Ah, well we'll just see about that, okay. I will read The
 Shining, (she tries to take the book away from him but he doesn't want to let it
 go) and you will read Little Women.
 Joey: All right, you got it.
 Rachel: All right.
 Joey: Okay.
 Rachel: Okay.
 Joey: Ah, now Rach, these ah, these little women.
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Joey: How little are they? I mean, are they like scary little?
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are there, Phoebe is entering with her date
 Robert.]
 Phoebe: Um, Chandler, Ross, this is Robert.
 Chandler: Oh, hey.
 Robert: Hi.
 Ross: Hey.
 Phoebe: (to Robert) You've have lipstick right here (points to her cheek).
 That's okay, it's mine, we just kissed.
 Ross: Oh.
 Chandler: (to Robert) So ah, isn't a bit cold out for shorts?
 Robert: Well, I'm from California.
 Chandler: Right, right. Sometimes you guys just burst into flames.
 (Robert leans back on the arm of the chair and allows Chandler to see up his shorts and
 sees  little Robert.' Chandler is horrified by this view.)
 Chandler: (standing up) I'm up! I'm up, I've gotten up now!
 Anybody ah, want anything?
 Phoebe: I'll have coffee.
 Robert: Yeah, me too.
 Ross: Yeah, make that three.
 Chandler: Okay Ross, why don't you come with me?
 Ross: Okay. (goes over to the counter) (to Chandler) What ah, what is the matter
 with you? What's going on?
 Chandler: Robert's coming out.
 Ross: What, what do you mean, what? Is he gay?
 Chandler: No. He.....he's coming out of his shorts.
 Ross: What?!
 Chandler: The man is showing brain.
 Ross: Are you sure? (Chandler nods: Yes!) Hold on. (walks over behind the couch)
 I'm sorry you guys, that was a coffee and a....
 Robert: Coffee.
 Ross: Okay.
 Robert: We could write it down for you?
 Ross: No, no, that won't be ah, that won't be necessary (leans down
 and looks up Robert's shorts, seeing Robert's package.)
 Chandler: (to Ross) Wellll?
 Ross: Yeah, yeah, yeah!
 Chandler: What do we do? What do we do?
 Ross: Well, I suppose we just try to not look directly at it.
 Chandler: Like an eclipse.
 (Ross nods his head.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is teaching Richard how to make lasagne.]
 Richard: So when people complement me on my cooking should I, what do I say?
 Monica: You say  Thank you very much,' and then you buy me something
 pretty. Come on, we're gonna put are hands in this bowl, and we're gonna start
 squishing the tomatoes.
 (They both start squishing the tomatoes.)
 Richard: Ew, this feels very weird.
 Monica: You touch people's eyeballs every day and this feels weird.
 Richard: Yeah, well, sure I touch them, but I spent years learning not to squish
 them. (Monica grabs his hand in the tomatoes.) That's my hand.
 Monica: Oops.
 Richard: Okay.
 Monica: Gotta keep squishing.
 Richard: Tomatoes are squishing.
 Monica: Okay.
 (Richard squishes a little too hard and some lands on his shirt.)
 Richard: Op.
 Monica: Oh, gosh, you got some on your shirt.
 Richard: Yeah.
 Monica: Hold on a second, just put a little club soda on it (does so) and it
 should umm, be.....
 (She is rubbing his chest and her voice trails off into silence, a long pause follows.)
 Richard: What?
 Monica: Umm, you've got some on your pants.
 Richard: I'll just throw them out.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is watching Joey read Little Women, Ross is also
 there.]
 Joey: These little women. Wow!
 Chandler: Your liking it, huh?
 Joey: Oh yeah! Amy just burned Jo's manuscript. I don't see how he
 could ever forgive her.
 Ross: Umm, Jo's a girl, it's short for Josephine.
 Joey: But Jo's got a crush on Laurie. (Ross nods his head) Oh. You mean
 it's like a girl-girl thing?  Cause that is the one thing missing from The
 Shining.


Chandler: No, actually Laurie's a boy.
 Joey: No wonder Rachel had to read this so many times.
 (Enter Phoebe and Robert)
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Chandler: Hey.
 Ross: Hey! How'd the ah, basketball go?
 Phoebe: Oh, okay, I learned how to shoot a lay-up, a foul shot, and a
 twenty-three pointer.
 Chandler: You mean a three pointer?
 Phoebe: Oh, I get more because I'm dainty.
 Robert: So um, is there a phone here, I can check my messages?
 Phoebe: Yeah, in the back. You want a quarter?
 Robert: Oh, no thanks. I always carry one in my sock.
 (He puts his leg up on the couch to get the quarter, once again exposing himself to
 Chandler and Ross. In horror, Chandler, slides over and leans against Joey on the couch.)
 Joey: (noticing Chandler) What are you doing? (he pushes Chandler back to his
 side of the couch) Get back over on your side of the... (sees Robert in all his glory)
 Hello!! (to Robert) Hi, I'm Joey, we haven't met.
 Robert: Ah, good to meet you. Robert.
 (Robert walks away and the guys all start laughing in front of Phoebe.)
 Phoebe: What? (the guys keep laughing.) What? You guys, what is going on? You
 not like Robert? (the guys keep laughing.) Why are you laughing?!
 Ross: Calm down. There's no reason to get testy.
 (The guys start laughing harder.)
 Phoebe: You guys!! Come on!
 Chandler: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it just seems that Robert isn't
 as concealed in the shorts area, as ah, one may have hoped.
 Phoebe: What do you mean?
 Robert: Hey. (sits down)
 Phoebe: Hey.
 Joey: Hey Robert, could you ah, ha, pass me those cookies?
 Robert: Sure.
 (He puts his leg up on the table to pass Joey the cookies, and Phoebe sees what the
 guys are laughing at, and gasps.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is talking to Richard on the phone.]
 Monica: So, how'd the lasagne go over? (listens) Really?! Good. So you owe
 me three pretty things. (listens) Yeah, I've been thinking a lot about you too.
 (listens) I know. It's hard this whole platonic thing. (listens) It's a word!
 (There's a knock on the door.)
 Monica: Yeah, I do think it's better this way. (listens) Yeah, we're
 being smart. (gets up to answer the door) (listens) Yes, I'm sure.(she opens the door
 and it's Richard)
 Richard: You really sure?
 Monica: I'll call you back. (starts kissing him)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica's bedroom, she's in bed with Richard.]
 Monica: So we can be friends who sleep together.
 Richard: Absolutely, this will just be something we do, like racquetball.
 Monica: Sounds smart and healthy to me. So um, just out of curiosity, um, do you
 currently have any other racquetball buddies?
 Richard: Just your dad. (pause) Although that's actually racquetball. You
 know I-I do have a blind date with my sister's neighbour next Tuesday.
 Monica: Oh.
 Richard: You want me to cancel it?
 Monica: No! (pushes him) No!
 Richard: Okay.
 Monica:  Cause if you do that means you'd be cancelling it for me, and
 we're just friends.
 Richard: Exactly. (pushes her back)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Robert is picking up Phoebe for a date.]
 Robert: Hey.
 Phoebe: Hey. Ooh! Don't sit down!
 Robert: You ready to go to the batting cage?
 Phoebe: Yeah. And, first here's a gift.
 Robert: Oh! Wow! Hey!
 Chandler: Stretchy pants! Why, those are the greatest things in the world! If I
 were you I would wear them every day, every day!
 Robert: Jeez, thank you really that is so nice. But um, to be honest, I
 don't think I can wear these, they're so tight, I feel like I'm on display.
 I'm sorry.
 Phoebe: That's all right, that's well, I figured.... (they start to
 leave as Joey enters.)
 Robert: (to Joey) Hey!
 Joey: Hey! (starts to laugh.) How's it going?
 Ross: Good.
 Joey: Hey, Rach, how you doing with The Shining?
 Rachel: Oh, Danny just went into room 217.
 Joey: Oooh, the next part's the best, when that dead lady in the bathtub...
 Rachel: Oh, no, meh-nah-nah-nah, come on you're gonna ruin it!
 Joey: All right I'll talk in code. (to Ross and Chandler) Remember when the
 kid sees those two blanks in the hallway?
 Chandler: Hmmm, that's very cool.
 Joey: Oh, all blank, and no blank, make's blank a blank blank. Oh no-no-no,
 no, the end when Jack almost kills them all with that blank, but then at last second they
 get away. Aww!
 Rachel: Joey! I can't believe you just did that!
 Chandler: I can't believe she cracked your code!
 Rachel: All right, okay, Laurie proposes to Jo, and she says no, even though
 she's still in love with him, and then he ends up marring Amy.
 Joey: Hey! Mine was by accident! All right, the boiler explodes and destroys the
 hotel, and kills the dad.


Rachel: Eh. Beth dies.
 (Joey recoils and gasps in horror.)
 Joey: Beth, Beth dies?
 Rachel: Um-hmm.
 Joey: Is that true? If I keep reading is Beth gonna die?
 Chandler: No, Beth doesn't die, she doesn't die. Does she Rachel?
 Rachel: What?!
 Ross: Joey's asking if you've just ruined the first book he's
 ever loved that didn't star Jack Nicholson?
 Rachel: No. She doesn't die.
 Joey: Then why would you say that?!
 Rachel: Because, I wanted to hurt you.
 Robert: (running in) Oh, there they are! I-I dropped my keys.
 (He bends over to pick them up, right in front of Rachel, who then gets a free peep
 show.)
 Rachel: (gasps) Oh my....
 Robert: Got  em.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is reading The Shining, as Monica enters.]
 Monica: Hi.
 Rachel: (screams and grabs a potato masher to defend herself) Sorry. I'm
 sorry.
 Monica: You would not believe my day! I had to work two shifts, and then to top
 it off, I lost one of my fake boobs, (opens her coat revealing a large burn mark over her
 left breast.) in a grill fire.
 (Rachel starts laughing.)
 Monica: What are you smiling at?
 Rachel: I'm sorry, I was just thinking you're day could still pick up.
 Monica: Yeah, right.
 (She goes into her bedroom, and sees Richard who has covered the room in roses and has
 two glasses of wine and a rose between his lips.)
 Richard: Hello.
 Monica: I love this friend thing!
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross are there.]
 Phoebe: Listen, Robert's gonna be here any second so, will one of you just
 tell him?
 Ross: Oh.
 Phoebe: Please, right now, no, every time I see him it's like  Is it
 on the lose?'  Is it watching me?'
 Chandler: We can't tell him, you can't go up to a guy you barely know
 and talk about his.... stuff.
 Ross: He's right, even if it's to say something complementary. (He
 stops and thinks about what he just said.)
 Robert: (entering) Hey!
 Phoebe: Hey.
 Robert: (to Phoebe) So are ready for the gym? They've got this new rock
 climbing wall, we can spot each other.
 Phoebe: No, I can spot you from here.
 Robert: What?
 Phoebe: Okay, listen Robert...
 Ross: (to Chandler) Hey, don't we have to...
 Chandler: Yeah, we got, um-hmm.
 Phoebe: Umm, I think you're really, really great...
 Robert: Oh God! Here we go again. Why does this keep happening to me? (spreads
 his legs) Is it something I'm putting out there? Is this my fault? Or am I just nuts?
 Phoebe: I-I-I-I-I don't know, I don't know what to say.
 Gunther: (cleaning up the table) (to Robert) Hey buddy, this is a family place,
 put the mouse back in the house.
 (Robert looks down and realises the problem.)
 [Scene: Richard's bedroom, Monica has covered it in rose pedals and candles. We
 hear Richard come in to the apartment, and Monica frantically throws the rest of the
 pedals on the bed, and jumps onto the bed and puts a rose in her mouth, and bites a
 thorn.]
 Monica: Ow!
 Richard: (outside the bedroom) Really?! Well, it's just like everyone
 else's apartment. It's got rooms, walls, and ceilings.
 Richard's Date: Well, I just wanted to see where you lived. Now, give me
 the tour.
 Monica: Oh my God! Oh my God! (She frantically tries to clean up the bedroom as
 Richard starts the tour.)
 Richard: Ah well, this is the living room.
 Richard's Date: Impressive.
 Richard: All right. This is the kitchen.
 Richard's Date: Oh, that's real pretty. Wait a minute, don't I
 get to see the bedroom?
 Richard: The bedroom. Well it's pretty much your typical... (opens the door
 as Monica hides under the covers, and quickly closes the door before his date can see the
 room.) bedroom.
 Richard's Date: We're still on this side of the door.
 Richard: Um-hmm.
 Richard's Date: Yeah, but I didn't get to see it.
 Richard: Oh shoot! Maybe next time. (yawns) Thanks for a lovely evening. (shows
 her out)
 [Cut to into the bedroom, with Monica still hiding under the covers. Richard enters and
 sits down next to her.]
 Monica: (still hiding under the blankets) So um, who was she?
 Richard: Oh, (laughs) that was the blind date that I told you about, she called
 and switched it to today.
 Monica: (still hiding under the blankets) Did you like her? And I'm just
 asking as a friend, because I am totally fine with this.
 Richard: Well, you seem fine.
 Monica: (gets up) Okay, y'know what, I'm not fine, I'm not. I mean how
 can I be fine, hearing you come in with her, she wants to see your bedroom.... (pause)
 Y'know what, what if we're friends who don't see other people?
 Richard: You mean like exclusive friends?
 Monica: Why not?! I mean this has been the most amazing week. Would it be so
 terrible? Even if we were friends who lived together. Or, maybe someday friends who stood
 up in front of their other friends, and vowed to be friends forever.
 Richard: Wow. Y'know we're back where we were. Honey, I would love to do
 all that, but nothing's changed.


 The One With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
 The One With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
 Written by: Wil Calhoun
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, the gang, except Rachel, is watching a new singer.]
 Singer: (singing)  Cause every time I see your face, I can't help but
 fall from grace. I know.....
 Joey: Wow! This girl is good.
 Phoebe: Oh-ho yeah! A song with rhyming words. Oo, I never thought of that
 before.
 Chandler: I like her.
 Phoebe: (to Chandler) Why? Because she can sing and play guitar and do both at
 the same time?
 Chandler: Well, that's pretty much all I'm looking for from these
 people.
 Monica: (to Phoebe) Look at you. All jealous.
 Ross: Yeah Pheebs, come on, you two have completely different styles. Y'know,
 she's more..(shakes his shoulders, like he's dancing) y'know, and you're
 more (sees the look from Phoebe and stops)
 Singer: (singing) beside meeeee-eeee-ee. (everyone applauds her).
 Phoebe: Okay, see, see, everyone else is happy she's done.
 Singer: Okay, my next song's called: Phoebe Buffay, What Can I Say. I
 Really Loved When We Were Singing Partners, And I Shouldn't Have Left You That Way.
 (The gang all looks at Phoebe.)
 Phoebe: Oh no, one of those  look for the hidden meaning' songs.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, later.]
 Singer: Hey Phoebe.
 Phoebe: Hey Leslie, how'd you know I'd be here?
 Leslie: I ran into Vlad at the place where they sell the big fish, and he said
 you played here a lot, so umm....
 Chandler: (to Ross) All right listen, I have to go to the bathroom, but if the
 place with the big fish comes up again. I'd like know whether that's several big
 fish or just one big fish.
 Joey: (to Leslie) So ah, Phoebe tells us you write jingles.
 Phoebe: Actually I said she abandoned me to write jingles.
 Joey: (to Leslie) Ah, anything we might of heard of?
 Leslie: Ah, yeah, umm. (singing) Home is never far away..
 Monica, Ross, and Joey: (joining in) Home is Home Star stew.
 Leslie: Yeah, but, I don't do that anymore. I got kinda sick of it, and
 then I couldn't come up with anything good, so they fired me.
 Phoebe: Hmm, bummer.
 Leslie: Well, I y'know, I was just, umm, I was just thinking and hoping, that
 umm, maybe you'd want to get back together?
 Phoebe: No. But thanks.
 Leslie: Aw come on Phoebe would you just think about it?
 Phoebe: Okay. No. But thanks.
 Leslie: Okay, ah, see ya Pheebs. (leaves)
 Joey: (to Phoebe) Wow, that was kinda brutal.
 Phoebe: Well okay, let this be a lesson to all of you, all right. Once you, once
 you betray me, I become like the ice woman, y'know. Very cold, hard, unyielding,
 y'know nothing, nothing can penetrate this icy exterior. (to Monica) Can I have a
 tissue, please?
 Monica: Yeah, sure.
 [Scene: Outside the bathroom, Chandler is pacing back and fourth, waiting is use it.]
 Gunther: (to Chandler) Someone in there?
 Chandler: No. This is just part of a dare devil game that I play called
  wait until the last moment before I burst and die.'
 (The door opens.)
 Chandler: Jeez, man did you fall..(sees it's a beautiful woman coming out
 of the men's room) Hi! So ah, did ya, did-did-did ya fall high?
 Woman: Someone was in the lady's room, I couldn't wait. I left the lid up
 for ya though.
 (Gunther walks up)
 Chandler: (to Gunther) Y'know what Gunther, go ah, go ahead, I'm-I'm
 talking to ah, (tries to get her to say her name). (to her) This is the part where you say
 your name.
 Woman: Ginger.
 Chandler: Ginger. I'm talking to Ginger, so....
 Ginger: Don't you have to use the bathroom?
 Chandler: Nope, nope, I'd just ah, I'd rather talk to you. (pause)
 Yes, I do. Yes, I do have to go to the bathroom. (knocks on the door)
 Gunther: Someone in here.
 [Scene: Central Perk, the gang's putting their coats on to leave.]
 Phoebe: Where's Chandler?
 Joey: Ah, he can't make it, he said he had to his... (sees Ginger) Whoa-oh!
 (hides behind the coat rack.)
 Ginger: Joey? Joey Tribbiani?
 (She walks over behind the coat rack, but Joey picks it up and moves it so that
 he's still behind it, and she can't see him.)
 Ginger: Joey I can see you okay? You're hiding behind the coats.
 (Joey puts his finger over his mouth to tell Ross to keep quiet. Ginger looks at Monica
 who looks away and leave.)
 Joey: Phew, close one.
 [Scene: Rachel's office, Mark is packing his stuff into a box.]
 Ross: Hi.
 Rachel: Hi, sweetie!
 Ross: Hello.
 Mark: Hi, Ross.
 Ross: Yeah, huh.
 Rachel: I've got some bad news.
 Ross: What?
 Rachel: I can get a quick bite to eat, but then I have to come back up here.