Chandler: Yes, but there's two in martini, soo everybody back to my
 office.
 Doug: (to Chandler) You! Chuckles! What's your name?
 Chandler: Oh it's Bing, sir. I'm sorry , I was just ah...
 Doug: No-no, I heard what you said, funny. I like funny. (Chandler starts to
 leave) This team is about hard work, but it's also about having fun. Good to have you
 aboard Bing! (smacks him on the butt, and Chandler leaves shocked.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is making reservations.]
 Ross: (on phone) That's right, Ryder. Wynona Ryder for six. (listens) Thank
 you. (hangs up) (to the gang) Yeah, we have the reservations.
 Rachel: Yes!!
 Chandler: All right buddy, way to go! (smacks him on the butt)
 Ross: (stunned) Dude, what are you doing?
 Chandler: Thank you! Today, my boss keep slapping my butt and he was acting like
 it was no big deal.
 Phoebe: Yeesh, what'd you do about it?
 Chandler: Well, I didn't do anything. I didn't want to be the guy who
 has a problem with his boss slapping his bottom.
 Monica: I gotta tell ya, I think it's okay to be that guy.
 Joey: Yeah, maybe it's like y'know, that jock thing. Y'know how football
 players pat each other after touchdowns. (pats Ross on the butt)
 (Ross throws his hands out in a 'What are you doing?' gesture)
 Rachel: Y'know I don't, I don't understand guys, I mean I-I would
 never congratulate Monica on a great stew by y'know, grabbin' her boob.
 Chandler: Yeah, I know, for a really great stew you just y'know, stick your head
 in between  em.
 Monica: Okay, can we please go eat?
 Joey: Yeah. What are we getting?
 Monica: (to Chandler) Anything but stew.
 Ross: All right so, Chandler, from now on, don't give your boss a chance to
 get you. Y'know just ah, don't turn your back to him.
 Joey: Yeah, or you can teach him a lesson. Y'know? What you could do is you
 could rub something that really smells on your butt, all right? Then, when he goes to
 smack ya, his hand will smell. (thinking aloud) Now what could you rub on your butt that
 would smell bad?
 Chandler: (to Ross and Monica) What if Joey were president?
 (Monica, Ross, Chandler, and Joey exit.)
 Phoebe: Umm, hey Rach, can I ask you something?
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Phoebe: Okay, you can totally say no, but umm, would it be okay with you if I
 set Ross up on a date?
 Rachel: Oh, ah with who?
 Phoebe: Umm, my friend, Bonnie. She just always thought Ross was really cute,
 and now that you two aren't together, she asked if I could set it up, but if
 you're not cool with it...
 Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, which one is Bonnie again?
 Phoebe: You remember her from my birthday party two years ago. She's yeah,
 like, average height, medium build, bald...
 Rachel: Oh! (laughs) That's fine.
 Phoebe: Great! Okay, good for you! (as they leave she slaps Rachel on the butt)
 [Scene: A Gym, Pete is training for the Ultimate Fighting Championship, with his
 trainer, Hoshi.]
 Hoshi: You are iron. You are steel! Let me ask you something, how come when I
 call your computer support line, I have to wait an hour and a half?
 Pete: I told you, we're adding new operators all the time. Could we
 concentrate on my training?
 Hoshi: It's just hard when I know I have e-mail I can't get!
 Monica: (entering) Hi!
 Pete: Monica! (runs over and kisses her) Hi honey.
 Hoshi: All right, on the table. (Pete gets on the table for his rubdown)
 Monica: Hey, umm, so listen umm, my friends were telling me a little about this
 ah, ultimate fighting thing and it, well it sounds really dangerous. I-I don't want
 you to get hurt,  cause I kinda like you.
 Pete: Oh, believe me, I don't want to get hurt either. I'm being smart
 about this. See these guys? They're the best trainers in the world, and Hoshi here
 used to be a paid assassin. (Hoshi yells at him in Chinese) A house painter! He used to be
 a house painter.
 Monica: Promise me you'll be careful.
 Pete: I promise.
 Monica: Hey, are we still on for tonight?
 Pete: Yeah.
 Monica: Okay, good,  cause umm, well maybe we could have a little workout
 of our own...
 Hoshi: No! No boom-boom before big fight!
 Monica: How  bout just a boom?
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there with Bonnie, as Rachel enters.]
 Rachel: (to Phoebe) Well that was depressing, I think I just bought a soft
 pretzel from one of the kids from Fame. Ready to go to the movies?
 Phoebe: Um-hmm. Oh wait! This is Bonnie. (who has hair by the way)
 Bonnie: Hi!
 Rachel: This is Bonnie? (to Phoebe) This is Bonnie? (to Bonnie) You're
 Bonnie?
 Bonnie: I can show you an ID if you want?


Rachel: Oh no, I'm sorry, you look a lot different from the last time I-I
 saw you.
 Bonnie: Oh yeah, well I just started wearing bras again.
 Rachel: Oh, that must be it.
 Phoebe: (to Bonnie) Well I hope you have fun tonight.
 Bonnie: Thanks! You too.
 (Phoebe starts to leave, Rachel slowly follows, shocked about how good Bonnie looks
 now.)
 [cut to outside of Central Perk]
 Rachel: (to Phoebe) You said she was bald.
 Phoebe: Yeah, she was bald, she's not now.
 Rachel: How could you not tell me that she has hair?
 Phoebe: I don't know, I hardly ever say that about people.
 Rachel: (looks in the window) Ohh, well, this is just perfect!
 Phoebe: Well I'm sorry, I thought you said it was okay.
 Rachel: Yeah, I said what was okay when I thought she was some weird bald chick.
 I mean, y'know, that girl has hair got all over head!
 Phoebe: Well, maybe it won't work out. Maybe Ross won't like her
 personality.
 Rachel: Why, does she have a bad personality?
 Phoebe: Oh no, Bonnie's the best!
 [Scene: Chandler's office, Chandler is bent over getting some water as his boss
 approaches.]
 Doug: Bing! (Chandler stands bolt upright and turns around to face him.) Read
 your Computech proposal, a real homerun. (He goes to slap his butt, but Chandler slides
 over making him miss.) Ooh. Barely got ya that time, get over here. Come on. (Chandler
 goes over) Wham! (slaps him on the butt) Good one. That was a good one. (to a couple of
 Chandler's co-workers) Keep at it team. (goes into his office)
 Chandler: (to his co-workers) What is with him?
 Phil: With him? You're is favourite, you're his guy!
 Stevens: We never get smacked.
 Chandler: Well, that's not true, he-he smacked you once.
 Phil: Not on purpose, he ricocheted of you and got me.
 Stevens: I'm telling you, I need some smacks. I got a kid starting
 Dartmouth in the fall.
 Doug: (coming out of his office) Dartmouth? Who went to Dartmouth? Dartmouth
 sucks. Did you go to Dartmouth Bing?
 Chandler: No sir.
 Doug: There you go. (smacks him on the butt)
 [Scene: The Ultimate Fighting Championship, Ross and Monica are there watching Pete.]
 Ross: (walking up with this huge tub-o-popcorn and drink) Hey!
 Monica: God Ross, what is that?
 Ross: Yeah, it's the Ultimate Fighting Combo. Yeah, I saved thirty cents,
 plus I get to keep the cup. Yay!!
 Announcer: From New York City, New York! Appearing in his Ultimate Fighting
 Championship debut! He's known for his confrontational business style. Ladies and
 Gentlemen, introducing Pete Beck-errrr!!
 [Pete enters with his entourage all pumped up, and Ross and Monica are the only ones
 who stand up and cheer.]
 Monica: I love you, Pete!!!
 Announcer: And his opponent, from Hunnington Beach, California! He's a 300
 pound street fighter, Tank Abbottttttt!!!!
 (The crowd goes wild, and Ross is the only one boo-ing him.)
 Monica: (going up to the ring) Pete! Pete!! That guy's pretty huge!
 Pete: Don't worry, Hoshi taught me how to use an opponent's strength
 and weight against him.
 Ross: Well, then that guy is in serious, serious trouble.
 (Pete and Monica kiss, and Monica mouths 'I love you.' to him.)
 Ross: All right! You go get him! Let's go!
 Referee: Here we go gentlemen, here we go! (to Tank Abbott) Are you ready? (He
 nods, and takes out his teeth) (to Pete) Are you ready? (Pete nods, 'Yes.')
 Let's get it on!!
 (They both rush each other. Tank picks Pete up and carries him over and slams him into
 the fence surrounding the ring.)
 Pete: Uh-oh.
 (Tank carries Pete over to the other side of the ring, and we see both Ross and Monica
 wince in pain.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: The Arena, after the fight. Monica is walking up to a defeated Pete.]
 Monica: Hey! (she sits down next to him) It's me. Mon-i-ca! Can I just tell
 you how proud I am of you.
 Pete: It would be nice after hearing 20,000 people chant 'You suck!'
 Monica: I mean I-I thought you were nuts at first, but you-you did it. And now
 you can just look back at this thing with no regrets.
 Pete: What, look back?
 Monica: Well, you're not gonna get going are you?
 Pete: Well let me ask you a question. Am I the Ultimate Fighting Champion?
 Monica: Well, no. But...
 Pete: Well I'm not gonna stop until I'm the Ultimate Fighting
 Champion.
 Monica: That guy stood on your neck until you passed out!
 Pete: Let me tell you a story. When I set out to create Moss 865, do you think
 it just happened overnight? No. There was Moss 1, that burnt down my Dad's garage,
 there was Moss 2 that would only schedule appointments in January, and 862 others that I
 learned from, just like I learned from this fight, never to let a guy stand on my neck.


Monica: You didn't know that already?
 Pete: Look, I'm gonna get better. Okay? I promise you.
 Monica: Okay, just get a lot better. (pause) Fast.
 Pete: Oh, one other thing. Hoshi thinks that you being ringside may have
 affected my concentration.
 Monica: Yeah. That-that was the problem.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's balcony, Ross and Phoebe are grilling some burgers and hot
 dogs.]
 Monica: (joining them) Hey.
 Ross: Hey! How long until Pete's fight?
 Monica: Oh, about five minutes. Right now they're interviewing his
 opponent. Apparently he trains by going to Iran and pulling the arms off thieves.
 Ross: Hot dog?
 Monica: Four, please. (Ross looks at her) I'm really nervous. (Ross gives
 her the four dogs) Thank you. (she grabs four buns, and heads back inside)
 Phoebe: So Ross, how umm, how did it go with Bonnie?
 Ross: What? Oh! I gotta tell you, I-I wasn't expecting to like her at all,
 I mean I actually wasn't expecting to like anyone right now, but she's really
 terrific.
 Phoebe: Ohh, that's too bad!
 Ross: No, I-I'm saying I liked her.
 Phoebe: Yeah, y'know what, there are other fish in the sea.
 Ross: Pheebs, I think she's great. Okay? We're going out again.
 Phoebe: Okay, I hear you! Are you capable of talking about any thing else?
 Chandler: (joining them) Hey! Which one's my turkey burger?
 Ross: Ahh, the one next to my foot. Sorry.
 Joey: (sticking his head out the window) Hey, the fight's starting!
 Ross: Okay, we'll be right in. (to Chandler) So ah, did your boss try to
 slap you again today?
 Chandler: Nine times! Okay, I had to put on lotion! But, it's gonna be
 okay, because as of tomorrow I'm conducting an experiment, and if all goes as
 planned, my butt will be smack free.
 Joey: (sticking his head out the window) Fight's over!
 (Chandler, Ross, and Phoebe all stop dead in their tracks at the news.)
 [Scene: Chandler's office, Chandler is confronting his boss about the butt
 smacking thing. His boss is writing on a white board.]
 Chandler: Excuse me, Doug? (no reaction) Hey there sports fan!!
 Doug: (turning around) Bing! You got those numbers for me?
 Chandler: No, I ah, I didn't do them.
 Doug: Oh, you forgot?
 Chandler: No, no I just ah, didn't do them. Instead, I ah, hung out with a
 couple of friends and had a couple of beers so I certainly don't deserve any praise,
 verbal or otherwise.
 Doug: Well, I got tanked myself last night. Pretty dicey drive home, Tapanzi
 Bridge never looked smaller. (laughs) That's okay, you're still my number one
 guy! (slaps him on the butt) Bing!
 Chandler: Doug!!
 Doug: Hmm.
 Chandler: I'm a little bit uncomfortable with the that way you express
 yourself.
 Doug: Oh, is it the swearing? I mean is it the constant swearing? Because I
 gotta tell ya, if it is, you can just... kiss my ass!
 Chandler: No, no. It-it's not about the swearing, it's more about ah,
 the way, that you ah, occasionally, concentrate, your enthusiasm on my buttock.
 Doug: Oh?
 Chandler: Oh, and don't get me wrong, I appreciate the sentiment. It's
 just that I, I have a rather, sensitive posterior, and ah, besides, it's making all
 the other guys jealous.
 Doug: Well, say no more. Y'know it takes guts to bring this up. Bing!
 You're okay.
 Chandler: Okay. (he starts to leave)
 Doug: Ha! (goes to smack him on the butt, but stops, faking Chandler out)
 Ahhhhhhh!
 Chandler: Ahhhhh! (walks out, imitating shooting himself in the head)
 [Scene: The street outside Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are talking and walking.]
 Phoebe: Okay. Would you rather live in the shirt pocket of a sweaty giant, or
 inside his shower drain?
 Rachel: (seeing Ross and Bonnie inside Central Perk) Oh my God! Phoebe look,
 it's Ross and that girl.
 (We see Ross and Bonnie laughing and having a good time.)
 Phoebe: No! No! Look at that! (drags her away from the window) It's a line
 of ants! They're working as a team!
 Rachel: Phoebe! (goes back to the window)
 Phoebe: (looking in the window) Right, oh yeah. Wow, oh, it looks like Ross is
 breaking up with her. Uff, I hope he lets her down easy. Let's go.
 Rachel: Come on Phoebe, look at that! They are not breaking up, look at them.
 Okay that's, you know what that is? That is a, that is a second date, that's
 what that is! Look at that, she just put her hand on his thigh...
 Phoebe: Oh no! That really is nothing, she is very sexually aggressive.
 Rachel: Ohh! (walking away from the window) Phoebe, this is all your fault! Now
 he loves her, he's gonna marry her, and this is all your fault.
 Phoebe: You said it was okay!
 Rachel: You said she was bald!!
 Phoebe: What?! What-what-what-what-what?!!
 Rachel: Phoebe, we can't, we just can't just let it happen! Okay, we
 have to do something! We have to break them up! Okay? Just go in there and like, shave her
 head! You owe me one bald girl!!


 The One At The Beach
 The One At The Beach
 Story by: Pan-ni Landrum & Mark J. Kunerth
 Teleplay by: Adam Chase
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe is there. Bonnie is telling them of her
 sex-capades.]
 Chandler: (to Bonnie) So ah, your first sexual experience was with a woman?!
 Bonnie: All right, I was 15, it was my best friend, Ruth, and we got drunk on
 that hard cider, and then suddenly, I don't know, we were, we were making out.
 Chandler: Tell it again. (pause, we see Rachel is not amused.) Seriously.
 [cut to Rachel and Monica at the counter.]
 Rachel: (to Monica) I mean is that woman capable of talking about anything else
 but sex?
 Joey: Yeah, sure. Well y'know, earlier she was talking about geography.
 Monica: Joey, she was listing the countries she's done it in.
 Joey: Well, I think we all learned something.
 Phoebe: (entering, hurridly) Hey, you guys! Look what I found! Look at this!
 (She hands Chandler a picture) That's my Mom's writing! Look.
 Chandler: (reading the back of the picture) Me and Frank and Phoebe, Graduation
 1965.
 Phoebe: Y'know what that means?
 Joey: That you're actually 50?
 Phoebe: No-no, that's not, that's not me Phoebe, that's
 her pal Phoebe. According to her high school yearbook, they were like B.F.F. (Ross and
 Bonnie look at her quizzically) Best Friends Forever.
 All: Oh!
 Rachel: That is so cool.
 Phoebe: I know! So this woman probably could like have all kinds of stories
 about my parents, and she might even know like where my Dad is. So I looked her up, and
 she lives out by the beach. So maybe this weekend we could go to the beach?
 All: Yeah! Yeah, we can!
 Bonnie: (to Ross) Shoot! I can't go, I have to work!
 Ross: That's too bad.
 Rachel: (sarcastic) Ohh, big, fat bummerrr.
 Phoebe: So great! Okay! Tomorrow we're gonna drive out to Montauk.
 Joey: Hey, Bonnie had sex there!
 (Rachel turns and gives him a look, and Joey quickly apologises.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Outside Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are waiting for Phoebe to arrive with
 the cab.]
 Monica: (watching a happy couple walk by, arm in arm) Would you look at them. Am
 I ever gonna find a boyfriend again? I gonna die an old maid.
 Chandler: You're not gonna die an old maid, maybe an old spinster cook.
 Monica: (sarcastic) Thanks!
 Chandler: Hey now besides, if worst comes to worst, I'll be your boyfriend.
 (At that suggestion Monica starts laughing.)
 Monica: Yeah right.
 Chandler: Why is that so funny?
 Monica: You made a joke right? So I laughed.
 Chandler: Ha-ha-ha. A little to hard. What am I not ah, boyfriend material?
 Monica: Well, no. You're Chandler. Y'know, Chandler! (hits him on the arm)
 Chandler: Okay, so we've established my name, and hit me. But theoretically
 y'know, I mean say we weren't friends, say it's a blind date. I show up at your
 door, and I'm like (in a fake voice) 'Hey, nice to meet, ya. Hey, oh-hey.'
 Monica: Well I'd probably be scared of a guy using a fake voice.
 Joey: (walking up carrying a brown paper bag) Hey!
 Monica: Oh, hey! Oh good, you brought food!
 Joey: No, it's just my luggage.
 (Phoebe drives up.)
 Chandler, Monica, and Joey: Hey!!
 Joey: Woo-hoo! All right! Yeah!
 Phoebe: Oh, I am having the best karma this week. First, I find this woman who
 knew my parents, and then my client with the fuzzy back gives me his beach house.
 Ross: Yeah? What about ah, that bike messenger you hit?
 Phoebe: Oh, I wasn't talking about his karma.
 Rachel: (approaching) Hey!
 Chandler: Hey!
 Joey: Hey-hey, check out the hat!
 (She is wearing this giant straw hat, the brim on it must be at least, least
 foot wide.)
 Chandler: What a minute, I know that hat! I was taken aboard that hat! They did
 experiments on me! I can't have children!!
 Monica: Seriously, where did you get the hat?
 Rachel: Ross gave it to me.
 Ross: Yeah, I think she looks good.
 Rachel: Ohh, thank you.
 Chandler: Buy it for ya, or win it for ya?
 Rachel: Well excuse me, my fashion-impaired friends, I am here to tell you that
 hats are back.
 Phoebe: And this time, they've ganged up to form one giant, super hat.
 [Scene: At the Beach, it's raining cats and dogs as the gang arrives. Chandler and
 Monica are taking shelter under Rachel's hat.]
 Ross: Go, go, go!
 Rachel: Oh yeah, now everybody wants to be under this hat!
 (They get inside and notice on small problem.)
 Phoebe: Oy!!
 Monica: What's with all this sand? (picking a handful of sand off of the
 floor, which is covered in sand)
 Phoebe: Oh, yeah, Bob said there might be flood damage.
 Ross: Yeah, either that, or he has a really big cat.
 [Scene: Phoebe Sr. house, she is a real estate agent and is trying to sell a house over
 the phone. By the way, it's still raining outside.]
 Phoebe Sr: Well, yes, it's kind've an unusual house. It has umm, three
 beautiful bedrooms and ah, no baths. But y'know, the ocean is right there.


Phoebe: (at the door) Knock, knock, knock.
 Phoebe Sr: (on phone) Ah, oh, hang on a second. (to Phoebe) Come in, come in.
 (on phone) All right, so think about it, and call me back. (hangs up)
 Phoebe: (entering) Are you ah, Phoebe Abott?
 Phoebe Sr: Ahh, yes.
 Phoebe: Hi Phoebe Abott, I'm your best friends daughter!
 Phoebe Sr: You're Erwin's daughter?!
 Phoebe: No, I-I mean your-your old best friend, here. (hands her the picture)
 Lily, from high school. Remember?
 Phoebe Sr: Oh gosh, Lily, yes. Of course I remember Lily. I... Then you must be?
 Phoebe: (points to herself) Phoebe. (points to her) Phoebe. Phoebe, yeah. She
 named me after you I guess.
 Phoebe Sr: Uh-huh. Wow! Well, look! There's Frank. (points to the picture.)
 Phoebe: Yes!! Yes! Yes! Yes!! That's my Dad, that's Frank! Yeah!
 I'm sorry I'm getting all flingy.
 Phoebe Sr: Take it easy--if you want, there's cookies on the counter, or,
 or--sangria! (jumps up) I can make sangria!
 Phoebe: No-no, sorry. Cookies are good, thanks.
 Phoebe Sr: Oh.
 Phoebe: (goes and gets some cookies) Well, so, umm, anyway umm, I've been,
 I've been looking for my Father, and umm, have you heard from him, or seen him?
 Phoebe Sr: Oh no, I-I'm sorry, I guess we lost track of everybody after
 high school.
 Phoebe: (disappointed) Oh, okay. Well, so tell me everything about my parents.
 Everything.
 Phoebe Sr: Ohh, well. Y'know we were always together, in fact the had a nickname
 for the three of us.
 Phoebe: Oh, what? What was it?
 Phoebe Sr: The three losers. Oh, poor Lily. (Phoebe notices a picture on the
 fridge, takes it, and puts it in her pocket.) Ohh, y'know I-I heard about what happened,
 that must have been just terrible for you, losing your mother that way.
 Phoebe: (happily) Yeah, no, it was great.
 [Scene: The beach house, it's still raining. Chandler is building a sand castle,
 Rachel is doing Monica's nails, and they're all drinking margaritas, obviously
 bored.]
 Joey: (getting an idea) Hey, y'know what a really good rainy day game is?
 Monica: What?!
 Joey: I mean naked game. Strip poker, we should totally play strip poker.
 All: No, no!
 Monica: What are you crazy?!
 Joey: Come on! When you go away, you-you have to play, it's like a law!
 Rachel: (to Monica) Allll done!
 Monica: Aww, thank you.
 Rachel: Okay, who's next?! (She looks around the room, and stops when she
 comes to Ross.)
 Ross: No-o-o! (Rachel gives him a 'Please?' look.) No way!
 Rachel: Come on, please?! I'm boredddd! You let me do it once before.
 (Ross shoots Joey a look, who shoots Chandler a look, who gives Joey an 'Oh my
 God.' look back.)
 Ross: Yeah well, if ah, if that's the rule this weekend... (She gets up)
 No!
 Rachel: Yes! (she starts creeping up on him)
 Ross: Get away!
 Rachel: Just once!
 Ross: Stay away!
 Rachel: Take it like a man, Ross!
 Ross: (he gets up and starts to run away from her) No! (in his escape attempt he
 crushes Chandler's sand castle) No!
 Rachel: Oh, come on!
 Chandler: Big bullies!!
 (Ross dives over the couch, Rachel goes the other way, and lands up top of him.)
 Ross: Ow! Ow! Oh, no-no-no!
 (They get into a wrestling match, that ends with Ross making Rachel paint her forehead
 with the nail polish. They both end up lying next to each other, stop, and look at each
 other for a moment.)
 Phoebe: (entering) Oh, hey!
 Chandler: Hey!
 Ross: Hey!
 Phoebe: Oh, so, how are we doing?
 Chandler: Bored and bored!
 Joey: Hey, you know what naked card game is never boring?
 All: Noo!!
 Monica: (to Phoebe) So what's Phoebe like?
 Phoebe: I'm kind, caring, and sweet. What's Monica like?
 Monica: Ah no, the other Phoebe, the one you went to go see.
 Phoebe: Ohh, I think she knows where my Dad is.
 Joey: What?
 Rachel: Really?!
 Monica: Oh well, where is he?!
 Phoebe: She was acting, she was pretending like she hasn't heard from him
 on years, but I found this picture on her fridge, and look (shows Monica)! Isn't this
 what he would look like now?
 Monica: (gasps) Totally familiar. (Phoebe shows the rest of them.)
 Rachel: Oh, yeah.
 The Guys: Yeah!
 Monica: Well, why would she lie to you?
 Phoebe: I don't know, but we're having dinner tomorrow night, so I
 figured, she's gonna tell me then. Y'know maybe she just wanted to give him time to,
 buy me presents, I don't know! So, you're all bored?
 All: Ohh!!
 Chandler: Yes!
 Phoebe: All right, I'm gonna close my eyes and point to someone, and you,
 whoever I point has to come up with something fun for us to do, and we have to do
 it.
 Joey: Okay, all right.
 Phoebe: Okay.


Joey: Fan out! Fan out!
 (They do so, and Phoebe gets in the middle, closes her eyes, and starts spinning in a
 circle.)
 Phoebe: Okay. (Starts to spin) Ooh, y'know we could just do this. (She stops at
 Chandler)
 Chandler: Okay, umm, we all have to play strip poker.
 Joey: (jumping in triumph) OH YES!!!!!
 [cut to later]
 Monica: Strip Happy Days Game?
 Joey: Yeah, well, I couldn't find any cards, so it was either this or Strip
 Bag Of Old Knitting Stuff.
 (Monica rolls, and Ross goes first.)
 Ross: Okay, (reading the card) Fonzy gives you two thumbs up, collect two cool
 points. Yeah.
 Phoebe: Monica, if you get five cool points, you get to make somebody take off
 one item of clothing. It hasn't happened yet, but we're all very excited.
 Ross: Okay, come on! (blows on the dice) Daddy needs a new pair of
 electromagnetic microscopes for the Prehistoric Forensics Department! (They all look at
 him, and he shuts up and rolls the dice.) (he moves his piece) Okay. (reading a card) Take
 Pinky Tuscadero up to Inspiration Point, collect three cool points!! Yeah! Which gives me
 five, and let's see who is gonna lose their clothes. Ummmm, I think I pick our strip
 poker sponsor Mr. Joey Tribianni.
 The Girls: Woo-hooooo!!!!
 Joey: All right, relax. It's just a shoe.
 All: Wooooo!!!!
 [cut to later in the game]
 Rachel: (reading a card) Okay, your band is playing at Arnold's, collect
 three cool points. Which means, I have five, and that means I get Joey's boxers!
 Joey: Fine. Gang up on me! I got you all right where I want you.
 Phoebe: Come on, take  em off!!
 Joey: Actually, y'know it's kinda cold, so how about I keep my boxers on,
 and give you all a peek at the good stuff?
 Rachel: (getting up) All right, I'm gonna make more margaritas! (She pours
 the rest of the pitcher into Ross's glass.)
 Ross: Whoa, hey! What are doing? Trying to get me drunk?
 Rachel: I'm just making margaritas.
 Ross: Okay.
 Monica: I think I'll help her out. (She gets up to go over and help Rachel,
 and reveals she has no pants.) (to Rachel) What is going on here?
 Rachel: What?!
 Monica: You painting his toenails?
 Rachel: Oh, come on!
 Monica: Chasing him all around the room?
 Rachel: Monica, please?
 Monica: He's totally flirting with you too.
 Rachel: (pause) He is, isn't he? I don't know, I don't know, I
 mean maybe it's just being here at the beach together or, I don't know. But
 it's like something... (she's interrupted by the sound of Bonnie entering)
 Bonnie: Hey!
 Ross: Hey! (Rachel is shocked) Hi Bonnie!
 Bonnie: Hi! My boss let me off early, so I took the train.
 Ross: Oh.
 Bonnie: What are you guys doing?!
 Joey: We're playing Strip Happy Days Game!
 Bonnie: Cool! I'll catch up! (She takes off her sweater.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: The beach house, the next morning. Chandler and Monica are in the kitchen
 eating breakfast.]
 Chandler: So, you still don't think I'm boyfriend material?
 Monica: Huh?
 Chandler: I saw you checking me out during the game last night.
 Monica: You didn't even take off your pants.
 Chandler: Yeah, well, lucky for you.
 Monica: What?
 Chandler: I don't know.
 Rachel: (entering) Well! Is everybody else having just the best time?!
 Phoebe: Shhh! Shhhh! Joey's asleep.
 (Joey is sleeping on the floor and is buried in sand that has been carved into a
 mermaid complete with breasts.)
 Phoebe: After he passed out, we put the sand around him to keep him warm.
 Rachel: Well I assume the ah, happy couple isn't up yet. Did you guys hear
 them last night?
 Chandler: Oh, yeah, I don't know what they were doing, but at one point sea
 turtles actually came up to the house.
 (Ross and Bonnie enter)
 Ross: Good morning.
 All: Hey.
 Bonnie: Hey! How did everybody sleep?
 Rachel: Oh, great.
 Monica: Like a log.
 Ross and Bonnie: Us too.
 Rachel: I'm going for a walk.
 (Joey finally wakes up.)
 Ross: (to Joey) Good morning. Nice breasts by the way.
 (Joey looks down and his look turns from shock to satisfaction.)
 [Scene: The porch, Bonnie is coming back from swimming, Rachel is reading.]
 Bonnie: Hey, what happened to you?
 Rachel: Oh, ah nothin'. I just felt like hangin' out here and reading.
 Bonnie: Oh, the water was sooo great! We jumped off this pier and my suit came
 off.
 Rachel: Ohhhh, sorry I missed that.
 Bonnie: Yeah, Joey and Chandler sure are funny.
 Rachel: Ohh-ha-ha!
 Bonnie: I think I brought back half of the beach in my hair. It was so much
 easier when I used to shave my head.
 Rachel: Y'know, I gotta tell ya, I just loved your look when you were
 bald.
 Bonnie: Really?!


Rachel: Ohh!
 Bonnie: Because I think about shaving it all off again sometime.
 Rachel: Really?!
 Bonnie: Yeah!
 Rachel: I mean you definitely should do that.
 Bonnie: Y'know what, I should do it.
 Rachel: Yeah!
 Bonnie: Yeah, thank you Rachel, you are soo cool.
 Rachel: Awww, stop. Come on. Now go shave that head!
 Bonnie: All right.
 (As Bonnie goes to do just that, Rachel smiles to herself, proud of what she's
 done.)
 [Scene: The beach house, at night. Phoebe is hangs up the phone, and gently pushes one
 of the stools over.]
 Joey: What's the matter, Pheebs?
 Phoebe: She cancelled! My namesake cancelled on me!
 Joey: What?!
 Phoebe: Yeah, she clamed she had to go out of town suddenly. She's avoiding
 me, she doesn't want to tell me where my Father is. She knows, and she won't
 tell me.
 Rachel: Aww Pheebs, that sucks!
 Phoebe: Yeah, well, don't 'Aww Pheebs, that sucks!' me yet. (she
 starts to leave)
 Chandler: Where ya going?
 Phoebe: Well, she's out of town so, there's gotta be something in her
 house that tells me where my Father is.
 Ross: Uh, Pheebs, some people call that breaking and entering.
 Phoebe: Well, are any of those people here?!
 All: Oh, no!! No, no!
 Phoebe: Okay, look I-I-I do something nice, okay? I'll-I'll fill her
 ice trays.
 (She exits just as Bonnie comes down the stairs, as bald as Michael Jordan.)
 Bonnie: Hey, everybody!
 All: Wow!! (they all recoil in shock and horror)
 Ross: Wh-haa-haa! Look what  cha did! (Rachel has her hand over her mouth
 to keep from laughing.)
 Bonnie: You wanna touch it?
 Ross: Nooo, but it, but it's great.
 Bonnie: Come on, touch it!
 Ross: Okay. (He gently touches it.) You can feel all the bones in your skull.
 [Scene: Outside the beach house, Ross is coming out to talk to Rachel.]
 Ross: Hi.
 Rachel: Hi!
 Ross: I was having a little chat with ah, Bonnie, and ah, guess what, she-she
 happened to bring up y'know, who was behind the um, whole head shaving idea, and now, who
 was it? Oh, that's right, that's right, it was you!
 Rachel: That was her idea, I just gave her a nudge.
 Ross: She said you gave her the razor!
 Bonnie: (joining them) Hey guys.
 Rachel: Hey!
 Bonnie: So, anyone up for a midnight dip in the ocean?
 Ross: Ahh, no, I'm good.
 Bonnie: Okay, I'll see you in a bit.
 Ross: Okay, have fun! Wooo!!
 Rachel: Come on see, she doesn't look that bad.
 Ross: You can see the moonlight bouncing off her head! What the hell were you
 thinking?!!
 Rachel: I don't know.
 Ross: You don't know?! Rach, you balded my girlfriend!
 Rachel: All right! Ross, do you think it's easy for me to see you with
 somebody else?
 Ross: Y'know, hey! You're the one who ended it, remember?
 Rachel: Yeah, because I was mad at you, not because I stopped loving you!
 Ross: You still love me?
 Rachel: Noo.
 Ross: You still love me.
 Rachel: Oh, y-yeah, so, you-you love me!
 Ross: Noo, nnnnn. What does this mean? What do you, I mean do you wanna, get
 back together?
 Rachel: Noo! Maybe! I, I don't know. Ross, I still can't forgive you
 for what you did, I can't, I just, but sometimes when I'm with you I just, I
 feel so...
 Ross: What?!
 Rachel: I just, I feel, I-I just...
 Ross: What?
 Rachel: I feel...
 (Ross leans in and kisses her. They both look at each other for a moment, and then
 embrace in a more passionate kiss, only to be interrupted by Joey and Chandler coming
 outside.)
 Chandler: (to Joey) Noo!! I don't care! I'm not, I'm not gonna
 playing one-on-one strip poker with you for practice!
 (Rachel and Ross both stop kissing, and quickly step back from each other.)
 Joey: But I made cards!!
 Rachel: Well! Good night. (to Ross) I'm going upstairs.
 Joey and Chandler: G'night.
 (Rachel walks inside, stops, and turns back to look at Ross for a moment then goes
 upstairs.)
 Joey: (to Ross) Wanna play strip poker for practice?
 [Scene: Phoebe Sr.'s house, Phoebe is breaking in through a window.]
 (She throws her bag inside, and starts to climb through the window. She gets halfway in
 and the window slams shut on her butt.)
 Phoebe: Ow! My ass. Okay. Okay. (She manages to climb completely inside and the
 window slams shut.) Oh, shhh!
 (She starts walking across the darkened room and hits her head on a wind chime hanging
 from the ceiling, to stop it from making a noise she grabs it and 'Shhh's'
 it. She goes into the kitchen and finds Phoebe Sr.'s appointment book, to read it she
 opens the freezer. Just as she starts to read, Phoebe Sr. jumps out from her bedroom with
 a coat hanger, startling Phoebe.)


 The One With The Jellyfish
 The One With The Jellyfish
 Written by: Wil Calhoun
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 Joey: (lying on a beach towel, recapping what happened in the last episode)
 Okay, so we went to the beach, because Phoebe found out about this lady who knew her mom
 and dad, and I don't really know what happened with that.
 [cut to Phoebe Sr.'s house, from the last episode]
 Phoebe Sr.: (to Phoebe) I'm your mother.
 Phoebe: Ehh?
 [cut to Monica opening the door of the beach house, with Chandler trying to pick her up
 for a date.]
 Joey: (voice-over) Oh, and then Monica joked that she wouldn't go out with
 a guy like Chandler...
 Chandler: (to Monica) (in a funny voice) Hi there. (Monica turns her head away
 in disgust)
 Joey: (voice-over) ...and he couldn't let it go, and... I don't really
 know what happened with that either.
 [cut to a montage of scenes involving Bonnie, Ross, and Rachel from the last episode.]
 Joey: (voice-over) Oh-oh! And then Ross's new girlfriend, Bonnie, shows up
 and Rachel convinced her to save her head. And then Ross and Rachel kiss, and now Ross has
 to choose between Rachel and the bald girl and I don't know what happened there
 either...
 [cut back to Joey on the beach towel]
 Joey: Y'know what, hold on, let me go get Chandler. (gets up and leaves.)
 [Scene: The beach house, it's the same scene from the end of last year, with Ross
 in front of the two doors of Rachel's and Bonnie's rooms, trying to decide which
 door to choose. He finally chooses the one his right and goes in.]
 Ross: (surprised) Hi!
 Rachel and Bonnie: Hi!
 Bonnie: Rachel was just helping me out. My head got all sunburned.
 Ross: Awww.
 Bonnie: (to Rachel) Thanks a million.
 Rachel: Oh, you're welcome a million.
 Bonnie: (getting up and leaving) (to Ross) Okay, I'll see you in our room.
 Ross: Yeah. (closes the door, and goes over and kisses Rachel.)
 Rachel: (softly) Oh my God.
 Ross: I know.
 (They both kiss again and fall onto the bed.)
 Ross: (stopping suddenly and getting up) Okay, I gotta go.
 Rachel: Whoa! What?! Why?!
 Ross: Well, I-I gotta go break up with Bonnie.
 Rachel: Here?! Now?!
 Ross: Well, yeah. I can't-I can't stay here all night, and if I go in
 there she's-she's gonna wanna... do stuff.
 Rachel: Well, can't you tell her that you are not in the mood?
 Ross: No, she likes that. Yeah. Faking sleep doesn't work either, I
 can't tell you how many mornings I woke up with her...
 Rachel: (interrupting) Whoa-ho.
 Ross: Whoa-oh, okay! Yeah, why am I telling you that?
 Rachel: I don't know.
 (they kiss again)
 Ross: Yeah, yeah. (opens the door) It wasn't every morning.
 Rachel: Oh, making it worse!
 Ross: Okay.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Phoebe Sr.'s house, it's right after she told Phoebe that she's
 her birth mother.]
 Phoebe Sr.: So I guess you'd like to know how it all happened.
 Phoebe: I-I mean I, well I think I can figure it out. I guess y'know I was born,
 and everyone started lying their asses off!
 Phoebe Sr.: Noo! No! It wasn't like that I... Remember how I told you how
 Lily, Frank, and I we were, we were close. Well, we were, we were very close.
 Phoebe: How close?
 Phoebe Sr.: Well, the-the three of us we were, kind of umm, a couple.
 Phoebe: I don't even know how that would work!
 Phoebe Sr.: Well, we were...
 Phoebe: (interrupting) I'm not asking!
 Phoebe Sr.: Well, any how, some how I got pregnant, and, and I was scared. I was
 stupid and sellfish, and I was 18 years old. I mean, you remember what it's like to
 be eighteen years old?
 Phoebe: Yeah. Let's see, my had Mom killed herself, and my Dad had run off,
 and I was living in a Gremlin with a guy named Cindy who talked to his hand.
 Phoebe Sr.: Well, I'm so sorry. I thought I was leaving you with the best
 parents in the world, I didn't even hear about your Mom and Dad til a couple of years
 ago, and by then you were already grown up. I don't know, you're here, and I
 would, I would really, I would like to get to know you.
 Phoebe: Yeah, well, everybody does! I'm a really cool person. And y'know
 you had 29 years to find that out, but you didn't even try! Y'know what, you walked
 out on me, and I'm just, I'm gonna do the same thing to you.
 Phoebe Sr.: Wait!
 Phoebe: I don't ever want to see you again!
 (She walks out and slams the door.)
 Phoebe: (walking back in with her hand over her eyes.) Umm, where's my
 purse?
 [Scene: The beach house, Joey and Chandler are sitting at the dinner table, Monica is
 looking in the fridge.]


Monica: (closing the fridge in disgust) Shoot! We're out of soda.
 Chandler: (jumping up) Oh, I'll go out and get you some.
 Monica: Really?!
 Chandler: Nope! Because I'm not your boyfriend. (to Phoebe, who's
 entering) Hey Pheebs, how did it go?
 Phoebe: Well, umm, my Mom's friend, Phoebe, is actually my birth Mom.
 (The gang is shocked.)
 Chandler: I found a dried up seashores.
 Monica: Sweety, what are you talking about?
 Phoebe: Oh, my new Mom, who-who's a big, fat abandoner! (starts to go
 upstairs)
 Joey: Whoa, wait, Pheebs, wait a second! Don't you wanna stay here and talk
 about it?
 Phoebe: No. I'm just, I wanna, I need to be alone.
 (She starts to go upstairs.)
 Phoebe: (turning around, insistently) Monica!
 Monica: Oh.
 [Scene: The beach house, Rachel's bedroom. She is finishing up writing something
 as Ross walks through the door.]
 Ross: It's over.
 Rachel: Oh, was it awful?
 Ross: Well, it was loong. I didn't even realise how late it was, until I
 noticed the 5 o'clock shadow on her head. (They both start to laugh, then stop
 themselves quickly.) Anyway, she didn't want to stay. I called a cab; she just left.
 (They kiss.)
 Rachel: I wrote you a letter.
 Ross: Ohh! Thank you! I like mail. (He goes to kiss her again, but she turns
 away.)
 Rachel: (handing him the letter) It's just some things I've been
 thinking about. Some things about us, and before we can even think about the two of us
 getting back together, I just need to know how you feel about this stuff.
 Ross: Okay. (He leans in to kiss her again, but she leans back preventing him
 from making contact.) Wow, it's-it's 5:30 in the morning. (Rachel laughs) So,
 I'd better get cracking on this baby.
 Rachel: Well, I'll be waiting for you, just come up when you're done.
 Ross: Okay, I'll be up in, (looks at the letter) 18 pages. Front and back.
 Very exciting.
 [Scene: The beach house, the next morning. Ross is passed out on the kitchen counter.
 He wakes up with a start and has one of the pages of the letter stuck to his face.]
 Ross: Oh. (looks at his watch) Oh-oh. (takes a drink of coffee and resumes
 reading the letter)
 Rachel: (coming down the stairs) Hey! (Ross jumps up, and quickly puts the
 letter back together, pretending like he has just finished it.) What happened to you? Why
 didn't you come up?
 Ross: Done!
 Rachel: You just finished?
 Ross: Well, I wanted to be thorough. I mean this-this is clearly very, very
 important to you, to us! And so I wanted to read every word carefully, twice!
 Rachel: So umm, does it?
 Ross: I'm sorry.
 Rachel: Does it?
 Ross: Does it? Does it? Yeah, I wanted to give that whole  Does it?'
 part just another glance.
 Rachel: What are you talking about, Ross, you just said that you read it twice!
 Look, y'know what, either it does or it doesn't, and if you have to even think
 about it...
 Ross: (interrupting) No, Rach, no. I don't, I don't, I don't have
 to think about it, in fact, I've decided, I've decided that, that it.......does.
 (Rachel stands there for a moment, starting to cry. Then gasps and runs over and hugs
 him. While hugging her, Ross tries to find the  Does it?' part in the letter.)
 Rachel: Are you sure?
 Ross: Oh, sure! I'm sure.
 Rachel: I know. (Hugs him more violently this time and pushes him back away from
 the letter.)
 [Scene: The beach. Chandler and Monica are out getting some sun.]
 Chandler: All right, there's a nuclear holocaust, I'm the last man on
 Earth. Would you go out with me?
 Monica: Ennnh.
 Chandler: I've got canned goods.
 Joey: (jumping up in a hole that he is digging, he is shoulder deep) Hey, you
 guys! Take a look at this! (Chandler and Monica jump up and go over to the hole.) Check
 this baby out, dug me a hole!
 Chandler: Excellent hole, Joe.
 (A wave crashes on the beach and partially fills up his hole.)
 Joey: Oh no! No!! My hole!!
 Monica: (screaming in pain) Ow!! Ow!!!
 Joey: (climbing out of the hole) What?! What?!! What is it?!
 Monica: Jellyfish sting! Oh, it hurts! It hurts!! It hurts!!
 Chandler: Well, can we help?! You want us to take you back to the house?!
 Monica: It's like two miles!
 Joey: Yeah, and I'm a little tired from digging the hole.
 Monica: Oh damn the jellyfish. Damn all the jellyfish!
 Chandler: We've got to do something!
 Joey: Well, there's really only one thing you can do.
 Monica: What?! What is it?!
 Joey: You're gonna have to pee on it.
 Monica: What?!! Gross!!
 Joey: Don't blame me, I saw it on The Discovery Channel.
 Chandler: Y'know what, he's right. There's something like uh, ammonia
 in that, that like kills the pain.


Monica: Well forget it! It doesn't hurt that (tries to take a step) baaad!!!!
 Joey: If you want some privacy you can use my hole.
 [Scene: The beach house, Phoebe is coming down the stairs all packed and ready to go.]
 Phoebe: Well, I'm ready to get the hell out of here! (Sees Ross and Rachel
 cuddling on the couch.) Oh. Are you? Are you?!! (they nod  Yes.') Ohh!
 That's so great!! Ooh, not for Bonnie. (they nod  No.') But for you, yay!
 Ohh.
 (The rest of the gang arrives with their heads down in shame.)
 Ross: Hey!
 Rachel: How was the beach?
 Monica: Nothing, I don't know.
 Ross: What happened?
 Monica: Nothing. I'm gonna take a shower.
 Chandler: Me too!!
 Joey: Me too.
 Phoebe: Okay, I'm gonna put this (her suitcase) in the car.
 Rachel: Ooh, I have to go pack. (Gets up to do so.) It really does?
 Ross: It does. It really and truly does.
 (Rachel kisses him, and goes upstairs. After she's gone, Ross frantically tries to
 find and read the  Does it?' part.)
 Ross: (finding the part) (looks up in disgust) It so does not!!!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is telling Joey and Chandler about the letter.]
 Ross: She wants me to take responsibility for everything that went wrong
 in our relationship. I mean she goes on for five pages about, about how I was unfaithful
 to her! (Both Joey and Chandler shrug their shoulders as to say 'Well...')
 (yelling) WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!
 Chandler: Oh my God! If you say that one more time, I'm gonna break
 up with you!
 Ross: Fine! Fine! But this break-up was not all my fault, and she, she says
 here, (reading from the letter) 'If you accept full responsibility...' (to
 Chandler and Joey) Full responsibility! '...I can begin to trust you again. Does that
 seem like something you can do. (yells at Joey) Does it?!!'
 Joey: No?
 Chandler: Look, Ross, you have what you want, you're back with Rachel. If
 you bring this up now you're gonna wreck the best thing that even happened to you.
 Ross: (calming down) Yeah, I know. I mean, no, you're right. Yeah I guess
 I'll let it go. But you-you understand how-how hard it is to forget about this.
 Joey: Sure, it's hard to forget! But that doesn't mean you have to
 talk about it! A lot of things happened on that trip that we should never, (to Chandler)
 ever talk about.
 Ross: What the hell happened on that beach?!
 Joey: It's between us and the sea, Ross!
 (Ross laughs and has a  Come on...' look on his face as he looks and Chandler
 who nods his head in agreement with Joey. Ross is stunned.)
 [Scene: A hallway in an apartment building. Phoebe is knocks on a door and it opens.]
 Phoebe: (to the person that answered the door) Hi, Ursula.
 Ursula: Hey!
 Phoebe: Okay, well umm, I know that we haven't talked in a long time, but
 umm okay, our Mom is not our birth Mom. This-this other lady is our birth Mom.
 Ursula: Right, okay, the one that lives in Montuak, umm-hmm.
 Phoebe: (shocked) You know her?!
 Ursula: No, I umm, I read about her in Mom's suicide note.
 Phoebe: There-there was a suicide note?! (Ursula nods  Yes.') Well, do
 you still have it?
 Ursula: (disgusted) Hang on. (She goes into her apartment and slams the door in
 Phoebe's face.)
 Phoebe: I can't believe you didn't tell me there was a suicide note!
 Ursula: Yeah. So how have you been doing?
 Phoebe: I, umm, shut up!
 (Ursula opens the door and hands her the note.)
 Phoebe: (reading from the note) 'Good-bye Phoebe and Ursula. I'll miss
 you. P.S. Your Mom lives in Montauk.' You just wrote this!
 Ursula: Well, it's pretty much the gist. Well, except for the poem. You
 read the poem, right?
 Phoebe: Noooo!!
 Ursula: All right, hang on! (She takes the note, goes back into her apartment
 and slams the door shut.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are sitting at the table eating
 dinner and not talking. Ross and Rachel are outside cuddling on the balcony.]
 Monica: Pass the cheese, please.
 (Joey hands her the cheese without looking at her.)
 Monica: My God, you can't even look at me! Can you?
 Joey: Nope.
 (Phoebe enters.)
 Chandler: (jumping up) Hey! Phoebe! We can talk to Phoebe!!
 Phoebe: No. I'm-I'm to depressed to talk.
 Chandler: I'll give you a thousand dollars to talk to us.
 Ross: (coming back in with Rachel) Hey, you guys! What do you, what do you think
 about making that beach trip an annual thing?
 Chandler, Monica, and Joey: NO!!!
 Rachel: All right, that's it, you guys! What happened out there?
 Monica: What? We took a walk, nothing happened. I can back with nothing all over
 me.
 Ross and Rachel: Come on!
 Ross: What happened? Joey?


Joey: All right. (gets up)
 Monica: (stopping him) No! Joey, we swore we'd never tell!
 Chandler: (running over and joining Monica) They'll never understand!
 Joey: Well, we have to say something! We have to get it out! It's eating me
 alive!! Monica got stung by a jellyfish.
 Monica: (interrupting) All right!! All right. (walks slowly into the living
 room) I got stung. Stung bad. I couldn't stand. I-I couldn't walk.
 Chandler: (following Monica) We were two miles from the house. Scared and alone.
 We didn't think we could make it. (He goes to put his hands on Monica's
 shoulders but for some reason can quite complete the action and pulls back.)
 Monica: I was in too much pain.
 Joey: And I was tired from digging the huge hole!
 Chandler: And then Joey remembered something.
 Joey: I'd seen this thing on The Discovery Channel...
 Ross: Wait a minute! I saw that! On The Discovery Channel, yeah! About
 jellyfish and how if you... (stops suddenly and turns to look at Monica) Ewwww!! You peed
 on yourself?!
 Phoebe and Rachel: Ewwww!!
 Monica: You can't say that!! You-you don't know!! I mean I thought I
 was gonna pass out from the pain! Anyway I-I tried, but I-I couldn't...bend that way.
 So... (looks at Joey.)
 Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel: (turning to look at Joey) Ewwww!!
 Joey: That's right I stepped up! She's my friend and she needed help!
 And if I had too, I'd pee on anyone of you! Only, uhh, I couldn't. I got the
 stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was too much pressure. So-so I uh, I turned to
 Chandler.
 Chandler: (wails loudly into his hands) Joey kept screaming at me, 'Do it
 now! Do it!! Do it! Do it now!!' Sometimes late at night I can still here the
 screaming.
 Joey: (laughs) That's  cause sometimes I just do it through my wall to
 freak you out.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is finishing up a song.]
 Phoebe: (singing) '...fuchsia and mauvvve. Those are the 66 colours of my
 bedroommmm.' (applause) Thank you, thank you. Ohh, and I invite you to count the
 colours in your bedroom. (Sees that Phoebe Sr. has entered, and to her) Except for you.
 You go away.
 Phoebe Sr.: I'll go in a second, I-I just wanted to tell you that there
 hasn't been a day where I didn't regret giving you up.
 Phoebe: Okay, bye.
 Phoebe Sr.: No, I'm not done. I-I-I just want you to know that I, the
 reason I didn't look you up was, well I was afraid that you'd react, just well
 like, the way, the way you're reacting right now, and can't we just, y'know,
 start from here?
 Phoebe: No.
 Phoebe Sr.: Sorry. But just one last thing. Y'know you came looking for family.
 I'm family, I'm it. Now, now I'm done. (starts to leave)
 Phoebe: But, it's not like we're losing anything. Y'know?
 Phoebe Sr.: Yeah, I guess you're right.
 Phoebe: It's not like we-we know each other or anything. Or that have anything
 in common.
 Phoebe Sr.: Well, I don't know. I mean it's not like we don't
 have anything in common. I mean I like uh, pizza.
 Phoebe: I-I like pizza!
 Phoebe Sr.: You do?! Wait, I like umm, the Beetles.
 Phoebe: Oh my God, so do I!
 Phoebe Sr.: I knew it, wow!!
 Phoebe: Wait-wait-wait, wait! Puppies. Cute or ugly?
 Phoebe Sr.: Ohh, so cute.
 Phoebe: Uh-huh, well! But umm, still I'm-I'm mad at you.
 Phoebe Sr.: I know. I'm mad at me too.
 Phoebe: Well umm, do you wanna get something to eat? I'm kinda hungry.
 Phoebe Sr.: Hey! Me too!
 Phoebe: All right, stop it. Now you're just doing it to freak me out.
 [Scene: Rachel's bedroom. Ross and Rachel have just finished consummating the new
 relationship.]
 Rachel: Oh-hooo, I missed you.
 Ross: I missed you too.
 Rachel: Ooh, I was soo nervous about that letter. But the way you owned up to
 everything, it just showed me how much you've grown. Y'know?
 Ross: (getting miffed) I suppose.
 Rachel: You have! Ross, you should give yourself credit. I mean my Mom never
 thought this would work out. It was all, 'Once a cheater, always a cheater.'
 Ross: (getting angry) Umm-hmm.
 Rachel: Ooh, I just wish we hadn't lost those four months, but if time was
 what you needed just to gain a little perspective...
 [cut to Monica cleaning the floor in the kitchen]
 Ross: (yelling from the bedroom) WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!!!
 Chandler: (entering with Joey) (to Monica) Coffee house?
 Monica: You bet.
 [cut back to Rachel's bedroom with both of them hurriedly getting dressed]
 Ross: And for the record, it took two people to break up this
 relationship!!
 Rachel: Yeah! You and that girl from that copy place, which yesterday you took
 full responsibility for!!
 Ross: I didn't know what I was taking full responsibility for! Okay?! I
 didn't finish the whole letter!


 The One With The Cat
 The One With The Cat
 Written by: Jill Condon & Any Toomin
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is eating breakfast as Chandler comes out of his
 bedroom, ripping his coat in the process.]
 Chandler: Wow! That ripped! That ripped real nice!
 Joey: How many times do I have to tell you! Ya, turn and sliiiide! Y'know, turn
 and slide.
 Chandler: You don't turn and slide, you throw it out! I'm tired of
 having to get a tetanus shot every time I get dressed!
 Joey: Look, we're not throwing it out! I built this thing with my own
 hands!
 Chandler: All right, how about we, how  bout we sell it.
 Joey: All right. But, you're gonna have to tell them. (He opens the cabinet
 to reveal the chick and the duck living inside with Christmas lights and a disco ball as
 decorations.)
 Chandler: (nods his head) Do you mind if we stick you in another cabinet? (to
 Joey) They seem all right with it!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross are there. Monica is
 checking the messages.]
 Chip: (on machine) Hey Monica, it's Chip.
 Monica: Yesss!!
 Ross: Who's Chip?
 Monica: Shhh!
 Chip: (on machine) Good runnin' into you at the bank today, so ah,
 here's my number, 555-9323. Give me a call. Later.
 Monica: Chip, is Chip Matthews.
 Ross: The guy who took Rachel to the prom? Why is he calling you?
 Monica:  Cause I ran into him at the bank, he is still soo cute.
 Ross: Monica, you're so lucky! He's like the most popular guy in
 school!!
 Monica: I know!! (calls him) (on phone) Chip? Hi! It's Monica. (listens)
  Kay. (listens)  Kay. (listens) Okay. (listens) Okay, good-bye. (hangs up) Oh my
 God, we just had the best conversation!! (goes into her room as Rachel enters)
 Ross: (to Rachel) I was just leaving.
 Rachel: Good!  Cause I've got a product report to read, it's like
 eight pages, I hope I don't fall asleep.
 Ross: Why? Did you write it?
 Rachel: (sees Chip's phone number) Wow! Look at that, Chip Matthews called.
 I wonder what he wants?
 Ross: Well ah, actually...
 Rachel: (interrupting) I bet he sensed that I was ready to have sex with another
 guy.
 Ross: Well, umm, why don't you give him a call?
 Rachel: Okay. (picks up phone) Are you sure you wanna hear this?
 Ross: Oh, I'm sure.
 Rachel: (on phone) Chip! Hi, it's Rachel. (listens) Rachel Green. Yeah,
 umm, you left me a message. (listens) Yes you did, my roommate wrote it down. (listens)
 Monica Geller. (listens) Ohh.
 Ross: (whispering in her ear) Oh, that's right! He called to ask out
 Monica! That-that's gotta be embarrassing!
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is finishing up a song.]
 Phoebe: (screaming, angrily) ...DUMB, DRUNKEN, BITCH!!! (applause) (happily)
 Thank you, thanks.
 Ross: (reading the newspaper) Hey, here's a question; where did you guys
 get the finest oak East of the Mississippi?
 Chandler: Uh-huh, first you tell us where you got the prettiest lace in all the
 land.
 Ross: I'm reading your ad.
 Joey: Looks good, uh?
 Ross: Yeah.
 Chandler: (reading the ad) Stunning entertainment center. Fine, (pause) fine
 Italian craftsmanship. (Joey is very proud of himself)
 Phoebe: Oh my God, you guys are selling the entertainment center?
 Rachel: Why? I love that thing.
 Chandler: You want it?
 Phoebe and Rachel: Oh no.
 Chandler: Ahh, Gepeto, $5,000 dollars? Are you insane?
 Joey: Hey, the ad alone cost 300 bucks!
 Chandler: All right look, I'm changing it to 50 bucks, or your best offer.
 Joey: What kind of profit is that?! And you call yourself an accountant.
 Chandler: (looks at him) Nooo.
 Joey: Oh. What do you do?
 Chandler: I can't believe you don't know what I do for a living!
 Phoebe: Yeah, I actually don't know...
 Ross: Good, so do I
 Rachel: Something to do with numbers?
 [Cut to someone entering Central Perk which lets a cat in. The cat then runs over to
 Phoebe's guitar case and starts sniffing around.]
 Phoebe: Oh my God! No! Shoo! Kitty! No! No-no-no! Shoo! Come on, you! (goes over
 and picks up the cat) Come on. Crazy. (looks into the cat's eyes) Oh my God.
 Rachel: What?
 Phoebe: Nothing. Nothing.
 Joey: What? What's wrong?
 Phoebe: I just, I just have this really strong feeling that this cat is my
 Mother.
 Rachel: You mean the mom you met in Montauk. She was a cat?!
 Phoebe: No, no-no, she was a human lady. This is the spirit of my Mom
 Lily, the one who killed herself.
 Ross: Are you sure she's in the cat, or have you been taking your
 grandma's glycoma medicine again?
 Phoebe: No Dr. Skeptismo! I'm sure. First of all, okay, there's the
 feeling. (Chandler shrugs) Okay, and for another, how about the fact that she went into my
 guitar case which is lined with orange felt. (Rachel nods her head in unsure agreement) My
 Mother's favourite fish is Orange Roughy... (Joey thinks he understands, but then
 nods that he has no clue.) Cats....like....fish! (Ross and Rachel are totally lost) (to
 the cat) Hi, Mommy. (Rachel covers her mouth, in an 'Oh my God.' gesture) Oh, I
 haven't seen this smile in 17 years!


Joey: (to Chandler) Dude, Phoebe's mom has got a huge peni...
 Chandler: (interrupting) Let it go!!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is working as Monica enters.]
 Monica: Hey!
 Rachel: Umm, when were you gonna tell me that you're going out with Chip
 Matthews?
 Monica: Now? Is it okay if I go out with Chip Matthews?
 Rachel: Nooo! It's not okay! I can't believe you would want to after
 what he did to me!
 Monica: What, that little thing at the prom?
 Rachel: Monica! I couldn't find him for two hours! He was having sex with
 Amy Welch!
 Monica: Come on, that was back in high school! How could that still bother you?
 Rachel: I mean why, of all people would you want to go out with Chip?!
 Monica: Look, you and I went to different high schools...
 Rachel: Okay, that doesn't help me, because we went to the same high
 school.
 Monica: You went to one where you were popular, and you got to ride off
 Chip's motorcycle, and wear his letterman jacket. I went to one where I wore a band
 uniform they had to have specially made.
 Rachel: (shocked) They had to have that specially made?!
 Monica: It was a project for one of the Home Ec classes.
 Rachel: (stunned) Oh my God, they told us that was for the mascot!
 Monica: Back then, I thought that I would never, ever get the chance to go out
 with a Chip Matthews, and now he's-he's called me up and asked me out. And the
 fat girl inside of me really wants to go. I-I owe her this. I never let her eat.
 Rachel: Oh, you go out with him. (goes over and hugs her)
 Monica: Oh, really?!
 Rachel: Yeah. Just, if it's possible, could you leave him somewhere and go
 have sex with another guy?
 Monica: I'll try.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, they are all there eating breakfast.]
 Ross: So you guys having any luck getting rid of the entertainment center?
 Joey: Well, there were a couple of calls last night, but ah, I don't think
 any of them are gonna work out.
 Chandler: Yes, Joey has a very careful screening process. Apparently, not
 everyone is qualified to own wood and nails.
 Phoebe: (is struggling with the cat) Stop it! Stop it! She keeps squirming,
 trying to get away! Just like when she was alive.
 Ross: So Pheebs, how long is your mom gonna be with us?
 Phoebe: Well, I'm not sure. I mean, I guess until she y'know, gets used to
 the fact that there's y'know, a new mom. Y'know, I think she's worried that
 y'know, she's gonna, she's gonna be replaced. (to the cat, in a funny voice)
 Well, that's not gonna happen is it? Noo. (gets up) Okay, I have to return a call in
 the other room.
 Monica: Why can't you use the phone in here?
 Phoebe: Well, I'm returning a call from a certain mom at the B-E-A-C-H. I
 just spelled the wrong word. (goes into Monica's room)
 Ross: So, guys, am I crazy, or does Phoebe's mom remind anyone of a cat?
 Monica: Ross, don't start.
 Ross: Come on, you-you can't tell me you actually believe that-that
 there's a woman inside that cat!
 Rachel: I believe it.
 Ross: No you don't.
 Rachel: Yes, I do.
 Ross: No you do y'know what, you're not gonna suck me into this.
 Rachel: Oh sure I am, because you always have to be right.
 Ross: I do not always have to be okay, okay. (starts to leave)
 Rachel: Jurassic Park could happen.
 (Ross wants to say something, but just smiles and leaves.)
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are showing a couple of guys (Tony and
 Peter) the entertainment center.]
 Tony: Wow! That's ah, that's pretty nice!
 Joey: Pretty nice?
 Chandler: You'll have to pardon my roommate, he wanted to marry this.
 Tony: We don't have 50 bucks, but would you be willing to trade for it?
 We've got a canoe.
 (Joey jumps up in excitement and without turning around Chandler holds out his hand
 stopping him, and ushering him back into his seat. Joey sits down, dejected.)
 Chandler: Y'know, I, I really don't think we need a canoe.
 Tony: You gotta take the canoe!
 Chandler: All right, just, just take the entertainment center, and then when you
 get home, throw the canoe away!
 Peter: We're not throwing it away! I built that canoe! (starts to leave as
 Tony chases after him)
 Joey: (to Peter) Good for you!!
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Monica, and Ross are there.]
 Rachel: (entering) You guys, you're never gonna believe what I just found
 tacked up on a telephone pole! (She's holding a flyer.) Look kinda familiar?
 Ross: (taking the flyer) Apparently Phoebe's mother also goes by the name
 Julio.
 Rachel: You guys, there's a little girl in Soho looking for this cat. I
 mean, you know what that means?!


Joey: (looking at the flyer) Yeah-eah! 200 dollar reward, split five ways!!
 Rachel: Do we have to tell her?
 Ross: Yes, we have to tell her!
 Monica: Oh, but it's made her so happy.
 Ross: (holds up a hand) Little girl misses her cat. (hold up the other hand)
 Crazy lady thinks her mother is in a cat. (gets up) Okay, y'know what, I have to go have
 dinner with my son, can I trust that when you see Phoebe, you will tell her.
 All: (disappointed) Yeah.
 Ross: Thank you.
 Rachel: I hate when Ross is right!
 Monica: He is right, isn't he?
 Chandler: Y'know what, I think this might be one of the times he's wrong.
 All: You think?
 Chandler: Oh-no, he's right.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Central Perk, the same scene is continued from before the break.
 With Joey, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler sitting on the couch.]
 Phoebe: (entering, with Julio) Hi. (sits down in the chair)
 Monica: Hi!
 All: Hey!
 Joey: Uh, Pheebs, about your mom...
 Phoebe: Yeah?
 Joey: (pause) How's that going?
 Phoebe: So great. Oh, we took a nap today and my Mom fell asleep on my tummy and
 purred.
 Joey: That's so sweet. (pause) I'm gonna get some coffee. (gets up and
 leaves)
 Monica: (sliding into Joey's place on the couch to try and talk to Phoebe)
 Huh? What'd ya say Joe? I'll be right there. (gets up and joins Joey)
 (Rachel and Chandler slide into position.)
 Rachel: Pheebs...
 Phoebe: I just feel so, uhh.....
 Rachel: All right!!
 Chandler: I'm coming already!!
 Rachel: Jeez!
 (They both get up and leave Phoebe alone.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is reading at the kitchen table as there is a knock
 on the door.]
 Monica: (running from the bathroom to her room, wearing only a towel) Not yet!
 Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! (gets to her room and
 closes the door, as Rachel gets up to answer the door.)
 Rachel: Hello, Chip.
 Chip: Hey, Rach! How ya doin'?
 Rachel: I'm great! I'm great. I've got a great job at Bloomingdale's,
 have wonderful friends, and eventhough I'm not seeing anyone right now, I've
 never felt better about myself.
 Chip: So ah, Monica ready yet?
 Rachel: She'll be out in a second. So, Chip, how's umm, Amy Welch?
 Chip: Amy Welch? Wow! I haven't seen her since... So, Monica about ready?
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is showing off the entertainment center.]
 Joey: This is the unit for you my friend. Sturdy construction, tons of storage
 compartments, some big enough to fit a grown man.
 Guy: What?!
 Joey: Oh yeah! I got in there myself once. My roommate bet me five bucks that I
 couldn't, and then he stuck a board through the handles that locked me in. Yeah. It
 was funny  til I started feeling like I was in a coffin.
 Guy: No, you, you can't fit in that thing. That's not deep enough.
 Joey: Oh yeah? (opens up the center and takes out the stereo) If I can't,
 I'll knock five bucks off the price off the unit.
 Guy: All right, you have yourself a deal. (shakes his hand)
 Joey: Okay. (he gets in the unit and closes the door) See?! I told ya!
 (The guys takes a hockey stick and slips it through the handles then proceeds to take
 the stereo and Chandler's computer and walk out.)
 Joey: Sometimes I get in here just to get away from it! Hey, a nickel!!
 [Scene: A street, Chip is walking Monica to his motorcycle.]
 Chip: Here, we are.
 Monica: Oh my God! You still have the Chipper!
 Chip: The what?
 Monica: That's what we used to call your ah, your motorcycle in high
 school. Y'know how a motorcycle is a Chopper, and you're Chip. Nevermind.
 Chip: No, I think it's cute. (kisses her)
 Monica: Wow! A lipper from Chipper.
 Chip: So you still in touch with anyone from high school?
 Monica: Umm. Well, there's Rachel, and umm, I think that's it. How
 bout you?
 Chip: Oh yeah, I still hang with Simmons and Zana, y'know. I see Spindler a lot.
 Devane, Kelly, and I run into Goldie from time to time. Steve Brown, Zuchoff, McGwire,
 J.T., Breadsly.
 Monica: Is that all?
 Chip: Ehh, y'know after high school, you just kinda lose touch. Oh yeah! I ran
 into Richard Dorfman.
 Monica: Ohh, how is he?
 Chip: Not so good, Simmons and I gave him a wedgie.
 Monica: Isn't he an architect now?
 Chip: Yeah, they still wear underwear.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is coming home. As we walks through the door, and
 without looking up, he goes to throw his keys on the foosball table, only, it's gone
 and the keys it the floor. He then looks up at an empty apartment; everything is gone
 except for the entertainment center and that ceramic dog. Even the food in the fridge!]


 The One With The  Cuffs
 The One With The  Cuffs
 Written by: Seth Kirkland
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 With Help from: Darcy Partridge
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is sitting in the canoe as Joey runs through the
 door carrying an outdoor patio table.]
 Joey: Hey!! We are so in luck! Treeger said that we
 could have all this cool stuff from the basement. Wait right there. (Goes back into the
 hall)
 Chandler: Oh no-no-no, I'm, I'm paddling away!
 Joey: (Returning carrying a couple of rusted lawn chairs) Huh?!
 Chandler: Wow! Really?! We get all this rusty crap for free?!
 Joey: Uh-huh. This and a bunch of bubble wrap. And,
 some of it is not even popped!
 (They both sit down at the table and the chick and the duck enter from Joey's
 bedroom.)
 Chandler: Could we be more white trash?
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel are eating breakfast.]
 Monica: (Entering from her bedroom) How desperate am I?
 Rachel: Oh! Good thing Chandler's not here, he always wins at
 this game.
 Monica: I just told my Mom I'd cater a party for her.
 Phoebe: How come?
 Monica: Because I need the money, and I thought that it'd be a
 great way to get rid of that last little schmidgen of self-respect.
 Ross: Come on, I think this is a good thing. I don't think Mom
 would've hired you if she didn't think you were good at what you do.
 Monica: You don't have to stick up for her. She can't here
 you.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is reading the paper and Chandler is getting ready
 for work.]
 Rachel: (entering) Hey! Umm, do you guys have any juice?
 Joey: Just pickle.
 Chandler: Hey uh, Rach, funny story. I ah, bumped into Joanna on the
 street yesterday.
 Rachel: My boss, Joanna? Wow, that must've been awkward.
 Chandler: Well, no, actually she uh, asked me if I wanted to get a
 drink.
 Rachel: (laughs) You ah, you didn't say  Yes' to that
 did you?
 Chandler: (laughs) No. No!
 Joanna: (Coming out of the shower wearing nothing but a towel) Hello,
 Rachel. (She goes into Chandler's bedroom)
 Chandler: Well, not at first.
 Rachel: What is she doing here?
 (Joey makes a sound like a creaking bed.)
 Rachel: I don't understand! Last time you went out with her you
 said she was a  big, dull dud.'
 Chandler: Well, I think I judged her too quickly, and this time we
 were able to take the relationship to the next level.
 (Joey creaks louder)
 Rachel: Well, last time I almost got fired. You must end it, you must
 end it now!
 Chandler: Oh, come on! It's not like this is an everyday
 occurrence for me! I mean usually I'm pretty much just in there by myself.
 (Joey makes a sound imitating one person making a bed creak and Chandler turns and
 glares at him.)
 Rachel: Chandler!! (He turns around quickly) Promise me, you will end
 it.
 Chandler: Okay, I promise, I'll end it.
 Rachel: Thank you.
 Chandler: I hope you know what I'm giving up for ya, because
 she's not just the boss in your office, if you know what I mean.
 Joey: Yeah-eh-eah! (Rachel glares at him) Oh-oh, sorry, I-I knew what
 he meant.
 [Scene: The Geller household kitchen, Monica and Phoebe are cooking for Mrs.
 Geller's party.]
 Mrs. Geller: (entering) How's the hired help?
 Monica: Doing great, the quiches are coming along.
 Mrs. Geller: What's this? Blue nail polish?
 Monica: Yeah, I thought it was cute.
 Mrs. Geller: Ahh, that's what your Grandmother's hands
 looked like when we found her.
 Monica: Let me ask you a question.
 Mrs. Geller: Hmm.
 Monica: Why did you hire me?
 Mrs. Geller: Oh, well Richard raved about the food at his party, of
 course you were sleeping with him. Then I heard the food at that lesbian wedding was very
 nice, I assume you weren't sleeping with anybody there. Though, at least that would
 be something. (Leaves)
 Monica: (to Phoebe) Oh my God! Did you hear that? She hired me because
 she thinks I'm good.
 Phoebe: Okay, I didn't hear that.
 Monica: Oh yeah, she didn't hire me out of pity, it wasn't
 so she could pick on me in front of her friends, she actually thinks I'm good.
 Phoebe: Wow! And hey, it's cool if you're a lesbian! (Gives
 her a thumbs up)
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is scrapping gum off the table as there is a knock on
 the door. He goes over and opens it.]
 The Salesman: (Entering before Joey can say anything) Good afternoon,
 are you the decision maker of the house?
 Joey: Uhhhh. (He's not sure)
 The Salesman: Do you ah, currently own a set of encyclopedias?
 Joey: No! No. But ah, try the classifieds, people sell everything in
 there.
 The Salesman: Actually, I'm not buying. I'm selling. Let me
 ask you one question. Do your friends ever have a conversation and you just nod along even
 though you're not really sure what they're talking about?
 (We go into a flashback sequence with Joey remembering some of those times.)
 [Cut to Monica and Rachel's apartment, all are there.]


Ross:  I'm telling you it's totally unconstituional.
 Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Rachel: Oh yeah, I totally agree.
 (Joey just nods his head.)
 [Cut to Central Perk, the entire gang is there.]
 Monica:  I think he deserves a Nobel Prize. (Joey starts to nod
  Yes.')
 All: Nooo!! (Joey quickly stops nodding his head.)
 [Cut to Monica and Rachel's, they're all there playing cards.]
 Chandler:  it was like the Algonquin kids table. (They all laugh,
 but Joey only laughs not to be left out.)
 [Cut back to the present day.]
 The Salesman: (Interrupting the flashback) Excuse me, I'm sorry,
 you haven't said anything for about two and a half minutes, are you at all
 interested?
 Joey: Yeah-well-yeah! Yeah-oh-yeah. Come on in.
 [Scene: The Geller's Kitchen, Monica and Phoebe are still cooking.]
 Phoebe: That's weird.
 Monica: What?
 Phoebe: Your nails.
 Monica: Oh, I know, I never wear fake ones. I just did it so my Mom
 wouldn't give me grief about me biting them.
 Phoebe: Oh, no, I meant that it's weird that you only have nine
 now.
 Monica: (Looks at her nails) Oh my God. Wait a minute, I had them
 put  (realises) Oh my God! It's in the quiche! Oh My God!
 Phoebe: Okay, don't panic. I'm gonna go to the store,
 I'm gonna get you another set of nails, no one's gonna know, and you're
 gonna look great. (She runs over to get her coat.) Oh! Oh, it's  cause
 they're gonna eat that's the problem.
 Mrs. Geller: (entering) (to Monica) Honey, don't bite your nails.
 Monica: Okay ah, please don't freak out. Umm, but ah,
 there's a blue fingernail in one of the quiche cups, and there's no way to know
 which one.
 Phoebe: And! Whoever finds it wins the prize!
 Mrs. Geller: (laughs) I'm not freaking out.
 Monica: Then why are you laughing?
 Mrs. Geller: It's nothing, it's just that now your Father
 owes me five dollars.
 Monica: What? You bet I'd lose a nail?
 Mrs. Geller: Oh no, don't be silly. I just bet I'd need
 these. (Opens the freezer to reveal )
 Monica: Frozen lasagnas?
 Mrs. Geller: Um-hmm.
 Monica: You bet that I'd screw up?! So all that stuff about
 hiring me because I was good was
 Mrs. Geller: No-no-no, that was all true. This was just in case you
 pulled a Monica.
 Monica: You promised Dr. Weinburg, you'd never use that phrase.
 Mrs. Geller: Oh honey, come on, have a sense of humour, you've
 never been able to laugh at yourself.
 Monica: (laughs) That's right. My Mom doesn't have any faith
 in me! Oh, that's hilarious! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
 Phoebe: I don't get it.
 Mrs. Geller: No, I have faith
 Monica: (interrupting) No! You have lasagnas! (Storms out and an
 awkward silence follows.)
 Oven: Ding!
 Phoebe: Op, the ruined quiches are ready.
 [Scene: Joanna's office, Joanna and Chandler are making out on her chair. Chandler
 isn't wearing any pants.]
 Chandler: It just doesn't feel like we're breaking up.
 Joanna: No, we are. I'm sad.
 Chandler: Okay.
 (They start kissing again, but are interrupted by the phone.
 Joanna: (answering the phone) Yes. (listens) Uh, can't you wait
 until tomorrow? (listens) All right. (hangs up) Unbelievable!!
 Chandler: Thanks.
 Joanna: No, no, that was my boss. I have to go.
 Chandler: Okay. (Starts to button up his shirt)
 Joanna: What are you doing?
 Chandler: I'm getting dressed.
 Joanna: Why?
 Chandler: When I walk outside naked people throw garbage at me.
 Joanna: Wait. I wanna show you something.
 Chandler: What is it?
 Joanna: Just a little gag gift somebody gave me. (She's holding a
 pair of handcuffs) Put your hands together.
 Chandler: Ah-ha, you're not the boss of me. (She kisses him)
 Yeah, you are! (She handcuffs him to the chair) Ooh, saucy.
 Joanna: (kisses him) I'll be back in ten minutes. (Starts to
 leave)
 Chandler: You are, you're gonna leave me like this?
 Joanna: Knowing you're here, waiting for me I think it's
 kinda exciting.
 Chandler: Okay. But if you don't come back soon, (She leaves and
 closes the door) there's pretty much nothing I can do about it!
 [Cut to Joanna's outer office, where Rachel and Sophie work. They are both coming
 back from lunch.]
 Joanna: (locking her door) Oh.
 Sophie: Hi! I brought you back a macaroon!
 Joanna: Oh great! I'll keep it in my butt with your nose. (She
 grabs the cookie and walks out.)
 Rachel: That's weird, she locked the door.
 Sophie: Y'know why? She's got the Christmas bonus list in
 there. I saw her working on it this morning.
 Rachel: Okay, swear you won't tell, but when Mark left he gave me
 a key to Joanna's office. Do you wanna see the list?
 Sophie: Yeah!
 (Rachel unlocks and opens the door to reveal a half-naked Chandler handcuffed to the
 chair. They both gasp and Chandler stares at them in shock and surprise.)


Chandler: Hi! (to Sophie) How are you?
 (Rachel and Sophie both back out and close the door without saying anything.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Joanna's office, Chandler, still handcuffed to the chair, is looking
 through the lingerie catalogue by turning the pages with his teeth. The phone rings and
 Chandler answers it with his nose.]
 Chandler: Hello, Joanna (Realises he doesn't know her last
 name) 's office.
 Joanna: (on speaker phone) I'm really sorry but I may be a little
 while longer.
 Chandler: How little?!
 Joanna: A couple of hours, I feel awful.
 Chandler: Look, this isn't funny! You get back here right now!
 Joanna: I can't!!
 Chandler: Why not?!
 Joanna: I'm in my boss's car!
 Chandler: What?!
 Joanna: Uh-oh, tunnel. (The phone gets cut off)
 (Chandler gets an idea)
 [Cut to Rachel's office as her intercom buzzes.]
 Rachel: (answering it) (angrily) What?!
 Chandler: (in a serious, businesslike tone) Rachel, could I see you
 for a moment?
 (Rachel goes into talk to Chandler.)
 Chandler: Okay, here's the situation. The keys to the cuffs are
 on the back of the door. Could you be a doll and grab them and scoot on over and unlock
 me? And on a totally different subject, that is a lovely pantsuit.
 Rachel: You promised you would break up with her!
 Chandler: I did break up with her! She just took it really, really
 well!
 Rachel: And the fact that you were jeopardising my career never
 entered your mind?!
 Chandler: It did enter my mind! But then something happened that made
 it, shoot right out.
 Rachel: Y'know what Chandler, you got yourself into those cuffs, you
 get yourself out of them.
 Chandler: No-no-no-no-no-no-no!! I can't get myself right out of
 them! You must have me confused with the Amazing Chandler!! Come on, you have to unlock
 me, she could be gone for hours, and I'm cold, and (Stops and looks up the skirt on a
 statue behind Joanna's desk.)
 Rachel: Oh, Chandler!! All right, this is it! (Grabs the key) You
 never see Joanna again!
 Chandler: Never!
 Rachel: You never come into this office again!
 Chandler: Fine!
 Rachel: You give me back my Walkman!
 Chandler: I never borrowed your Walkman.
 Rachel: Well, then I lost it. You buy me one!
 Chandler: You got it! Here we go! Come on! This is great! (Rachel goes
 over and unlocks the handcuffs) Ahhh! (He starts rubbing his wrist)
 Rachel: Does it hurt?
 Chandler: No, I just always see guys doing this when they get
 handcuffs taken off them. (He runs over to where his pants are hanging) Hello sweet pants!
 Rachel: Wait a minute! What are you gonna tell Joanna?
 Chandler: About what?
 Rachel: When she sees that you're gone, she's gonna know
 that I let you out, and that I was in here, and I'm gonna get fired!
 Chandler: I'll make something up! I'm good at lying, I
 actually did borrow your Walkman!
 Rachel: No, there's nothing to make up, she's gonna know
 that I have a key to her office, I've got to get you locked up back the way you were!
 (She tries to drag him over to the chair, but Chandler stops her.)
 Chandler: Oh-ho-ho, I don't think so!
 (He starts to put his pants on, but Rachel manages to drag him to the chair. When they
 get to the chair, Chandler drops his pants and knocks the chair away. Rachel then backs
 him up and locks him to the top drawer of a filing cabinet.)
 Chandler: Well, this is much better.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, The salesman is trying to sell Joey the encyclopedias.]
 The Salesman: So, here's somebody interesting, Joey. What do you
 know about Van Gogh?
 Joey: He cut off his ear.
 The Salesman: And?
 Joey: I'm out.
 The Salesman: He painted that. (Points to one of his paintings in the
 book)
 Joey: Wow! That's pretty nice. I thought he cut off his ear
  cause he sucked. What else you got in there?
 The Salesman: Let's see, ahhh  Where does the Pope live?
 Joey: In the woods. No wait-wait, that's the joke answer.
 The Salesman: Actually its, Vatican City. Now ahh, what do you know
 about vulcanised rubber?
 Joey: Spock's birth control.
 The Salesman: (laughs) You need these books.
 [Scene: Monica's childhood bedroom (which has been turned into a gym), Monica is
 lying on the treadmill as Phoebe enters.]
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Monica: Hi.
 Phoebe: This used to be your room? (She nods  Yes') Wow! You
 must've been in really good shape as a kid.
 Monica: Ohh, I'm such an idiot. I can't believe I actually
 thought she could change.
 Phoebe: Well, who cares what your Mom thinks? So you pulled a Monica.
 Monica: Oh good, I'm glad that's catching on.
 Phoebe: No but, why does that have to be a bad thing. Just change what
 it means. Y'know? Go down there and prove your Mother wrong. Finish the job you were hired
 to do, and we'll call that pulling a Monica.


Monica: What?
 Phoebe: Okay, umm, if a kid gets straight A's, his parents would
 say, 'Yeah, he pulled a Monica.' Y'know? Or a fireman saves a baby, and they go,
 'Yeah I know, he pulled a Monica.' Or someone hits a homerun and the announcer
 says, 'Yeah, that one's outta here.' Though some things don't change.
 Monica: (getting up) All right, I'll go down there. But, I'm
 not gonna serve the lasagna. I'm gonna serve something I make.
 (She exits and Phoebe goes over and sits down at the machine that works your shoulders
 and tries to do one, which she does, easily.)
 Phoebe: Wow! My breasts are really strong. (She goes and joins
 Monica.)
 [Scene: Joanna's office, Rachel and Chandler are having a little tug-of-war with
 his pants.]
 Rachel: Chandler! Chandler, please, I have to get you locked up back
 the way you were, I am sooo gonna lose my job, she's very private about her office.
 Now I know why.
 Chandler: Hey, look, you're in trouble either way! Okay? If she
 comes back and sees me locked to this instead of the chair, she's gonna know you were
 in here. So you might as well just let me go.
 Rachel: What if I clean your bathroom for a month?
 Chandler: It still wouldn't be clean. (Rachel makes an  Eww,
 disgusting!' face) All I want is my freedom.
 Rachel: Foot rubs for a month!
 Chandler: Freedom!
 Rachel: I'll take all of your photos and put them into photo
 albums!
 Chandler: Freedom! I want my freedom! Why won't you here me?!
 (Opens the door) Sophie, help me! Help me!! (Sophie stands up)
 Rachel: Sophie sit!!
 (She closes the door and puts his tie into his mouth as a gag.)
 Rachel: No! God, would you just calm down!
 (Chandler screams a little bit, then realises that he can spit out his gag. He does so
 with a  Pouff!')
 Chandler: I'm gonna say this for the last time. Would you please
 just  (He moves his arm which opens the drawer and hits in the back of the head,
 which proves his point.)
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is now reading the  V' book, with the
 salesman watching.]
 Joey: Wow! There's a lot I didn't know about vomit. (The
 duck comes to the door of the bathroom, quacking.) (To the duck) In a minute. (The duck
 goes back into the bathroom.)
 The Salesman: So, what do you say, Joey? You get the whole set of
 encyclopedias for twelve hundred dollars, which works out to just 50 bucks a book!
 Joey: Twelve hundred dollars? You think I have $1200? I'm home in
 the middle of the day, and I got patio furniture in my living room. I guess there's a
 few things you don't get from book learnin'.
 The Salesman: Well ah, what can you swing?
 Joey: How about zero down and zero a month for a long, long time?
 The Salesman: You don't have, anything?
 Joey: You wanna see what I got? (He gets up to empty out his pockets)
 Okay? I've got a baby Tootsie Roll, a movie stub, keys, a Kleenex, a rock, and an
 army man. Hey!
 The Salesman: Okay, I-I get the picture. Uh, thanks, for your time.
 (Starts to leave)
 Joey: And a 50. (The salesman stops suddenly) Huh, these must be
 Chandler's pants.
 The Salesman: For 50 bucks, you can get one book! What will it be? A?
 B? C?
 Joey: Oh, I-I think I'm gonna stick with the V, I wanna see how
 this bad boy turns out.
 [Scene: Joanna's office, Rachel and Chandler are still negotiating.]
 Rachel: I ah, will buy and wrap all of your Christmas gifts.
 Chandler: No!
 Rachel: I ah  Oh! I'll squeeze you fresh orange juice every
 morning!
 Chandler: With extra pulp?
 Rachel: (happily) Yeah!!
 Chandler: No!
 Rachel: D'oh!! (pause) I've got it!
 Chandler: You don't have it.
 Rachel: I have so got it. There's gonna be
 rumours about this, there's no way to stop it. Sophie knows, Monica and Phoebe know.
 Chandler: How do Monica and Phoebe know?
 Rachel: Oh, I called them. And when they ask me what I saw, I can be
 very generous (Holds her hands far apart) or very (In a high pitched voice) stingy.
 Chandler: (intrigued) Go on.
 Rachel: I can make you a legend. I can make you this generation's
 Milton Berle.
 Chandler: And Milton Berle has a
 Rachel: Ohh, not compared to you. (Chandler nods in agreement)
 [Scene: The Geller's kitchen, Phoebe is bringing in some dirty dishes.]
 Monica: Well?
 Phoebe: They're not even touching the lasagna!
 Monica: Really?!
 Phoebe: Oh, they love your casserole.
 Monica: Yes!!
 Phoebe: It's hard to believe that just a little while ago this
 was nothing but ingredients.
 Mrs. Geller: (entering) Well, everyone seems to be enjoying your dish.
 Monica: And you?
 Mrs. Geller: I thought it was  quite tasty.


 The One With The Ballroom Dancing
 The One With The Ballroom Dancing
 Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is there eating breakfast. Chandler is cleaning
 out his wallet.]
 Phoebe: Hey! New wallet, huh?
 Chandler: Yeah, it was time. The old condom ring in the leather just
 doesn't say  cool' anymore.
 Monica: Rachel!
 Rachel: What?
 Monica: You just put an empty carton back in the fridge!
 Rachel: Oh yeah, I know, but the garbage was full.
 Monica: Have you ever taken out the trash? (Hands her the garbage.)
 Rachel: Well, I thought you liked doing it. (Rachel starts out the door
 and stops.)
 Monica: Third door on the left.
 Rachel: Right!
 [Scene: Garbage room: Mr. Treeger is unclogging the trash chute as Rachel enters.]
 Rachel: Oh! Hey, Mr. Treeger.
 Mr. Treeger:: Hey.
 (Rachel opens the trash chute, winces at the smell, and throws the garbage bag in. She
 then tries to throw the pizza box in, but since it's so big she jams it into the
 opening and it prevents the door from closing. She then turns around too see Mr. Treeger
 watching her.)
 Mr. Treeger:: What are you doing?
 Rachel: Ummm. Oh! I'm sorry. (She grabs the box and offers him a piece.)
 It's a little old but
 Mr. Treeger:: No! You're clogging up the chute that I spent a half-hour
 unclogging!
 Rachel: I'm sorry. I didn't I don't come in here a lot.
 Mr. Treeger:: Oh yeah, of course you don't!
 Rachel: No.
 Mr. Treeger::  Cause you're a little princess! 'Daddy, buy me a
 pizza. Daddy, buy me a candy factory. Daddy, make the cast of Cats sing Happy
 Birthday to me '
 Rachel: I didn't  I never said that.
 Mr. Treeger:: You think you could make a mess and the big man in coveralls will
 come in here and clean it up, huh? Well, why don't think of someone else for a
 change?
 Rachel: (starting to cry) Okay, I'm sorry. (Runs out still carrying the
 pizza box.)
 [Cut to Monica and Rachel's apartment as Rachel returns in tears.]
 Monica: God! If you're gonna cry about it! (She grabs the box and goes to
 through it out.]
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Continued from earlier, Rachel is now telling everyone of
 her experience in the garbage room.]
 Joey: Whoa-whoa, Treeger made you cry?
 Rachel: Yes! And he said really mean things that were only partly true.
 Joey: I'm gonna go down there and teach that guy a lesson.
 Monica: Joey, please don't do that. I think it's best that we just
 forget about it.
 Rachel: That's easy for you to say, you weren't almost just killed.
 Joey: All right that's it, school is in session! (Exits and slams the
 door.)
 Monica: (Picking up a card from Chandler's wallet.) My God! Is this a gym
 card?
 Chandler: Oh yeah, gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I've
 missed the last 1200 times.
 Ross: So why don't you quit?
 Chandler: You don't think I've tried? You think I like having
 50 dollars taken out of my bank account every month? No, they make you go all the way down
 there! Then they use all of these phrases and peppiness to try and confuse you! Then they
 bring out Maria.
 Ross: Who is Maria?
 Chandler: Oh Maria. You can't say no to her, she's like this lycra
 spandex covered gym treat.
 Ross: You need me to go down there with you and hold your hand?
 Chandler: No!
 Ross: So you're strong enough to face her on your own?
 Chandler: Oh no, you'll have to come.
 [Scene: Treeger's apartment, Joey knocks on the door and Treeger opens it.]
 Mr. Treeger:: Tribbiani! Hold on, I'll get the plunger.
 Joey: Hey! You hold on pal! Now you made my friend, Rachel, cry. So now,
 you're gonna go up there and apologize to her, unless you want me to call the
 landlord.
 Mr. Treeger:: And tell him what?
 Joey: Have you heard about a little something called, Not Making Girls Cry.
 Mr. Treeger:: Yeah. Well maybe you have heard about the Rent Stabilization Act
 of 1968!
 Joey: I have actually not heard of that.
 Mr. Treeger:: Yeah, well your friends are in violation of it. I've been a
 nice guy up until now, but uh, I don't need this grief. I'm gonna call the
 landlord and tell him that Monica is illegally subletting here grandmother's
 apartment. Your friends are outta here pal.
 Joey: Why don't you tell me something I don't know! (He storms out,
 and once Treeger closes the door behind him, Joey makes an  Oops!' have.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier, everyone is still eating
 breakfast.]
 Phoebe: Oh please, somebody tell me I don't have to go to work today!
 Monica: What's the matter?


Phoebe: Oh, my first massage today is this incredibly gorgeous guy, and every
 time I see him I just want to do things to him that I'm not allowed to charge for.
 Monica: So do them for free.
 Phoebe: Oh no, it is forbidden! No-no, Mrs. Potter fires people for fooling
 around with clients. And it's against my oath as a masseuse.
 Ross: They make you take an oath?
 Phoebe: No, I made myself take an oath. Yeah, no fooling around with clients and
 umm, always be prepared. Yeah, that one's actually from the Boy Scouts, but it just
 makes good sense.
 Chandler: Why don't you just give him to somebody else?
 Phoebe: No, I can handle it. No, I'm a professional. (She starts to leave)
 Rachel: Oh Pheebs, is that a new ankle bracelet?
 Monica: Wow! And you got a petticure. Your feet are all dressed up.
 Chandler: Because that's the only part of you he can see when he's on
 the table!
 Monica: You're gonna do some feet flirtin'!
 Phoebe: I don't what your talking about. (Laughs nervously and continues to
 leaqve)
 Ross: Then how do you explain the toe ring?!
 Phoebe: Because it's Arabian princess day at work! Okay?! Leave me alone!
 [Cut to later, Joey is returning from talking to Mr. Treeger.]
 Rachel: Oh! My hero! What happened?
 Joey: Well uh, I went down there and told him that no one treats my friends like
 that and that he'd better come up here and apologize. I'll see you later.
 (Starts to leave)
 Monica: What a minute, what did he say?
 Joey: He said that he wasn't gonna apologize because you guys are living
 here illegally, so instead what he's gonna do is have you evicted I'll see
 you later.
 Rachel: What?! You got us evicted!!
 Monica: I told you not to go down there!
 Joey: Well he made Rachel cry!
 Monica: Rachel always cries!
 Rachel: That's not true! (Starts to cry.)
 Monica: Now Joey, you go down there and you suck up to him. I mean you suck like
 you've never sucked before!
 Joey: All right! I'll try! But if I can't, you can stay with Chandler
 and I until you get settled.
 Rachel: Go!!
 Joey: All right, all right, all right. (Starts to leave, stops, and turns
 around) I mean I'll have to check with him first, but I'll think he'll be
 cool with it. (Monica shoos him out.)
 [Scene: Chandler's gym, He and Ross are there to cancel his membership.]
 Ross: Whoa-whoa-whoa, hey! Now remember what we talked about, you gotta be
 strong.
 Chandler: Yes. (In a stronger voice) Yes!
 Ross: One more time, 'Hey, don't you want a washboard stomach and rock
 hard pecs?'
 Chandler: No! I want a flabby gut and saggy man breasts!
 Ross: Good! That's good!
 Chandler: Okay. (They go inside) (To the guy at the desk) I wanna quit the gym.
 Gym Employee: You wanna quit?
 Chandler: I wanna quit the gym.
 Gym Employee: You do realize that you won't have access to our new full
 service Swedish spa.
 Chandler: (He turns to Ross and Ross makes a  Be strong' sound.) I
 wanna quit the gym.
 Gym Employee: Okay, Dave in the membership office, handles quitters. (Both
 Chandler and Ross start to make their way to the membership office.) Uh, excuse me, (to
 Ross) are you a member?
 Ross: Me? No.
 Gym Employee: Sorry, members only.
 Chandler: (horrified at the prospect of trying to quit alone and unsure about
 himself) I wanna quit the gym.
 Ross: It's okay man, be strong. (Chandler goes into the office.)
 Gym Employee: (to Ross) So, are you a member of any gym.
 Ross: No! And I'm not gonna be, so you can save you little speech.
 Gym Employee: Okay, no problem. (To someone out of the picture) Could you come
 here for a second?
 (This gorgeous woman in spandex walks up)
 Woman: Hi, I'm Maria.
 (Ross is at a loss for words.)
 [Scene: Heeling Hands Inc., Phoebe's work, she is giving a massage to the guy,
 Rick, she likes.]
 Rick: (looking at her feet) Wow, you have really pretty feet.
 Phoebe: These old things.
 Rick: Would you mind spending some time on my siadic area, it's been
 killing me today.
 Phoebe: You mean the Okay by siadic, you mean the towel covered portion.
 Rick: Yeah.
 Phoebe: Sure, yeah, no I can do that, yeah, because umm, y'know, the muscles in
 the siadic area can get y'know, real (lifts up the towel) nice and tight. So umm,
 tell me Rick, how umm, how did you injure the area.
 Rick: Oh, a 16-hour sit-in for Greenpeace.
 Phoebe: Oh. (She goes to work, and her head slowly drops out of view.)
 Rick: Ow! Did you just bite me?
 Phoebe: No!
 [Scene: Mr. Treeger's apartment, Joey is there to suck up.]
 Mr. Treeger:: What?
 Joey: Please don't kick Monica and Rachel out, this wasn't there
 fault, it was mine.
 Mr. Treeger:: You want me to kick you guys out instead?


Joey: No you can't do that, where would the chick and the duck live?
 Mr. Treeger:: You have pets!
 Joey: Noo-no-no, no, those are nicknames. I'm the chick and Chandler is the
 duck.
 Mr. Treeger:: Huh, I would've thought it was the other way around.
 Joey: Come on man, just-just let the girls stay, I'll do whatever you want.
 Mr. Treeger:: Really? You'll do anything?
 Joey: Yeah-yeah, absolutely.
 Mr. Treeger:: Yeah, I've got something you can do.
 Joey: What, what is it?
 Mr. Treeger:: Can you be my dancing partner?
 Joey: That's not, prison lingo, is it?
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is telling Monica and Rachel what he has to do.]
 Monica: His dancing partner?!
 Joey: Yeah, there's this superintendent's dance, the Super Ball. I
 don't know, and he wants to impress Marge, this lady super that he's a crush on.
 Rachel: Well, why doesn't he practice with a girl?
 Joey: Well, he's too shy, he doesn't thing he's good enough to
 dance with girls yet.
 Rachel: Yeah, right, he almost danced me right down that garbage chute.
 (Starts to cry)
 Monica: Oh, would you let it go already?! You're fine!
 (Chandler and Ross enter)
 Chandler: Hey.
 Rachel: Hey! So, did you quit?
 Chandler: No, I almost did, couldn't leave Ross there without a spotter!
 Monica: Wait, now so you joined the gym?
 (Rachel starts to laugh.)
 Ross: And that's funny, why?
 Rachel: Oh, umm, I was just y'know working out and umm  Oh,
 that's it.
 Chandler: We're doomed. Okay, they're gonna take 50 bucks out of our
 accounts for the rest of our lives. What are we gonna do?
 Monica: Well, you could actually go to the gym.
 (Chandler and Ross both laugh)
 Ross: Or! Or, we could go to the bank, close our accounts and cut them off at
 the source.
 Chandler: You're a genius!
 Joey: Aww, man, now we won't be bank buddies!
 Chandler: Now, there's two reasons.
 Phoebe: (entering) Hey.
 All: Hey!
 Phoebe: Ohh, you guys, remember that cute client I told you about? I bit him.
 Rachel: Where?!
 Phoebe: On the touchy.
 Ross: And that's not against your oath?!
 Phoebe: No, I know! I-I'm sorry, but the moment I touch him, I just wanna
 throw out my old oath and take a new, dirty one.
 Monica: Well, next time your massaging him, you should try and distract
 yourself.
 Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Like-like when I'm doing something exciting and I
 don't wanna get too excited, I just ahh, y'know try to thing of other
 things like ah sandwiches, and ah baseball, and ah Chandler!
 Chandler: Thank you, Joey.
 Joey: No-no, thank you.
 [Scene: Treeger's apartment, Joey knocks and Mr. Treeger opens the door.]
 Joey: All right, I'm here, let's ahh, get this over with.
 Mr. Treeger:: Okay ahh, well, just ahh, follow my lead. (Turns on some music)
 Joey: Whoa-whoa, don't we need to do some kinda preparation first? Like
 ahh, get really drunk?
 Mr. Treeger:: Look come on, eh, just ah, just ah, put your arms around me, eh.
 (Joey does so, and they both start dancing. Treeger tries to spin Joey, but ends up
 throwing him into the door.)
 Mr. Treeger:: Ahhhh! I'm sorry!
 Joey: No, it's okay, but if I'm Marge, my breasts are coming out my
 back.
 Mr. Treeger:: Ahh, forget it! I'll never be any good at this, my mom was
 right, I'm just a big potato with arms, and legs, and a head.
 Joey: Come on man, you're not a potato.
 Mr. Treeger:: I'm sure as hell a dancer, it's no use Marge will never
 go for me.
 Joey: Come on Treeger, don't say that. You just ahh, you just need more
 practice. Here, come on, let's ahh, let's try it again. Come on. (they start
 dancing again) Plus, it was, it was probably mostly my fault, anyway. I mean, y'know,
 I'm not really that comfortable dancing with a (Treeger throws him) We-he!! Hey!
 Mr. Treeger:: Yeah!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Monica are sitting at the table as Joey
 enters.]
 Monica: Hey-hey, how goes the dancing? Gay yet?
 Joey: Ah-ha-ha, you guys owe me big time. (He walks into the kitchen and does a
 little dance step on the way.)
 Rachel: (laughing) What was that?
 Joey: What?
 Rachel: You just did a little dancy thing.
 Joey: No I didn't.
 Monica: Yes you did! You did like a little hop.
 Rachel: You are soo enjoying this.
 Joey: No, I'm not! And it wasn't a hop it was a pademarie.
 Monica: (laughing harder) You know the words! You are so into this!
 Joey: All right, well maybe I'm enjoying it a little bit. I mean I'm
 getting pretty good at it.
 Rachel: Ooh, this is soo sweet, Joey our little twinkle-toes.
 Joey: Hey-hey, hold on, this isn't some kind of like girly dance. All
 right, it's like a sport, it's manly!