Chandler: Alright. Once I got on the subway, right, and it was at night, and I
 rode it all the way to Brooklyn... just for the hell of it.
 Chandler: We talked 'til like two. It was this perfect evening... more or
 less.
 Aurora: ...All of a sudden we realised we were in Yammon.
 Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, so 'we' is?
 Aurora: 'We' would be me and Rick.
 Joey: Who's Rick?
 Chandler: Who's Rick?
 Aurora: My husband.
 All: Ooooohhh.
 Chandler: Oh, so you're divorced?
 Aurora: No.
 Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, then you're widowed?...Hopefully?
 Aurora: No, I'm still married.
 Chandler: So tell me, how do- how do you think your husband would feel about you
 sitting here with me?...Sliding your foot so far up my pant leg you can count the change
 in my pocket?
 Aurora: Don't worry. I imagine he'd be okay with you because really, he's okay
 with Ethan.
 Chandler: Ethan? There's, there's an Ethan?
 Aurora: Mmmm... Ethan is my... boyfriend.
 All: What?!
 Chandler: So explain something to me here, uh, what kind of a relationship do
 you imagine us having if you already have a husband and a boyfriend?
 Aurora: I suppose mainly sexual.
 Chandler: ...Hm.
 Monica: Oh. I'm sorry it didn't work out.
 Chandler: What 'not work out'? I'm seeing her again on Thursday. Didn't you
 listen to the story?
 Monica: Didn't you listen to the story? I mean, this is twisted! How could you
 get involved with a woman like this?
 Chandler: Well, y'know, I had some trouble with it at first too, but the way I
 look at it is, I get all the good stuff: all the fun, all the talking, all the sex; and none
 of the responsibility. I mean, this is every guy's fantasy!
 Phoebe: Oh, yeah. That is not true. Ross, is this your fantasy?
 Ross: No, of course not! (Thinks) ...Yeah, yeah, it is.
 Monica: What? So you guys don't mind going out with someone else who's going out
 with someone else?
 Joey: I couldn't do it.
 Monica: Good for you, Joey.
 Joey: When I'm with a woman, I need to know that I'm going out with
 more people than she is.
 Ross: Well, y'know, monogamy can be a, uh, tricky concept. I mean,
 anthropologically speaking-
 (They all pretend to fall asleep.)
 Ross: Fine. Fine, alright, now you'll never know.
 Monica: We're kidding. C'mon, tell us!
 All: Yeah! C'mon!
 Ross: Alright. There's a theory, put forth by Richard Leakey-
 (They all fall asleep again.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is there as enter except Joey enter.]
 Rachel: Tah-daaah!
 Chandler: Are we greeting each other this way now? 'Cause I like that.
 Rachel: Look! I cleaned! I did the windows, I did the floors... I even used all
 the attachments on the vacuum, except that little round one with the bristles, I don't
 know what that's for.
 Ross: Oh yeah, nobody knows. And we're not supposed to ask.
 Rachel: Well, whaddya think?
 All: Very clean! It looks great! Terrific!
 Monica: ...Oh! I-I see you moved the green ottoman.
 All: Uh-oh...
 Monica: How-how did that happen?
 Rachel: I dunno.. I-I thought it looked better there. And I- and also, it's an
 extra seat around the coffee table.
 Monica: Yeah, yeah, it's interesting.. but y'know what? Just for fun, let's see
 what it looked like in the old spot. (She moves it.) Alright, just to compare. Let's see.
 Well, it looks good there too. Let's just leave it there for a while.
 Phoebe: (to Rachel) I can't believe you tried to move the green ottoman.
 Chandler: Thank God you didn't try to fan out the magazines. I mean, she'll
 scratch your eyes right out.
 Monica: You guys, I am not that bad!
 Phoebe: Yeah, you are, Monica. Remember when I lived with you? You were like, a
 little, y'know, (psycho) Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree!
 Monica: That is so unfair!
 Ross: Oh c'mon! When we were kids, yours was the only Raggedy Ann doll that
 wasn't raggedy!
 Monica: Okay, so I'm responsible, I'm organised. But hey, I can be a kook.
 Ross: Alright, you madcap gal. Try to imagine this. The phone bill arrives, but
 you don't pay it right away.
 Monica: Why not?
 Ross: Because you're a kook! Instead you wait until they send you a notice.
 Monica: I could do that.
 Rachel: Okay, uh, you let me go grocery shopping, and I buy laundry detergent,
 but it's not the one with the easy-pour spout.
 Monica: Why would someone do that?! ...One might wonder.
 Chandler: Someone's left a glass on the coffee table. There's no coaster. It's a
 cold drink, it's a hot day. Little beads of condensation are inching their way closer and
 closer to the surface of the wood...
 Monica: STOP IT!! ...Oh my God. It's true! Who am I?
 Ross: Monica? You're Mom.
 (Monica gasps.)
 Phoebe: Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree!
 (Joey enters and he's on the phone.)


Joey: (on phone) Uh huh.. uh huh... oh my God! Okay! Okay, I'll be there! (He
 hangs up and to all.) That was my agent. (He tosses and catches the phone.) My agent has
 just gotten me a job...in the new Al Pacino movie!
 All: Oh my God! Whoah!
 Monica: Well, what's the part?
 Joey: Can you believe this? Al Pacino! This guy's the reason I became an actor!
 'I'm out of order? Pfeeeh. You're out of order! This whole courtroom's out of
 order!'
 Phoebe: Seriously, what-what's the part?
 Joey: 'Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!'
 Ross: C'mon, seriously, Joey, what's the part?
 Joey: ...I'm his (mumbles)
 Rachel: ..You're, you're 'mah mah mah' what?
 Joey: ...I'm his butt double. 'Kay? I play Al Pacino's butt. Alright? He goes
 into the shower, and then- I'm his butt.
 Monica: (trying not to laugh) Oh my God.
 Joey: C'mon, you guys. This is a real movie, and Al Pacino's in it, and that's
 big!
 Chandler: Oh no, it's terrific, it's... it's... y'know, you deserve this, after
 all your years of struggling, you've finally been able to crack your way into
 showbusiness.
 Joey: Okay, okay, fine! Make jokes, I don't care! This is a big break for me!
 Ross: You're right, you're right, it is...So you gonna invite us all to the big
 opening?
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Monica is getting the door.]
 Monica: Alright, alright, alright...
 (Joey enters with Monica's paper and hands it to her.)
 Joey: Here. I need to borrow some moisturizer.
 Monica: For what?
 Joey: Whaddya think? Today's the big day!
 Monica: Oh my God. Okay, go into the bathroom, use whatever you want, just don't
 ever tell me what you did in there.
 Joey: Thank you! (He goes into the bathroom.)
 (Chandler enters with the phone.)
 Chandler: Where's Joey? His mom's on the phone.
 Monica: He's in the bathroom. I don't think you wanna go in there!
 Chandler: C'mon, we're roommates! (He goes into the bathroom, screams, and runs
 back out.) My eyes!! My eyes!!
 Monica: I warned you...
 (Rachel enters from her room.)
 Rachel: Who is being loud?
 Chandler: Oh, that would be Monica. Hey, listen, I wanna borrow a coupla things,
 Aurora spent the night, I really wanna make her breakfast.
 Monica: Oh, you got the whole night, huh?
 Chandler: Yeah, well, I only have twenty minutes until Ethan, so, y'know.. (He
 starts to raid the fridge.)
 Rachel: Ooh, do I sense a little bit of resentment?
 Chandler: No, no resentment, believe me, it's worth it. 'Kay? Y'know in a
 relationship you have these key moments that you know you'll remember for the rest of your
 life? Well, every- single- second is like that with Aurora.. and I've just wasted about
 thirty-five of them talking to you people, so, uh.. Monica, can you help me with the door?
 (He has armloads of stuff.)
 Monica: Sure. Oh, um, Chandler? Y'know, the-the old Monica would-would remind
 you to scrub that Teflon pan with a plastic brush...But I'm not gonna do that.
 (She opens the door and he leaves.)
 [Scene: A Film Set, Joey is entering for his scene.]
 Director: (on phone)...Dammit, hire the girl! (He hangs up the phone.)
 Okay, everybody ready?
 Joey: Uh, listen, I just wanna thank you for this great opportunity.
 Director: Lose the robe.
 Joey: Me?
 Director: That would work.
 Joey: Right. Okay. Losing the robe. (He takes off the robe.) And the robe is
 lost.
 Director: Okay, everybody, we'd like to get this in one take, please. Let's roll
 it.. water's working (The shower starts).. and... action.
 (Joey starts to the shower with a grim, determined look on his face.)
 Director: And cut. Hey, Butt Guy, what the hell are you doing?
 Joey: Well, I'm- I'm showering.
 Director: No, that was clenching.
 Joey: Oh. Well, the way I see it, the guy's upset here, y'know? I mean, his
 wife's dead, his brother's missing... I think his butt would be angry here.
 Director: I think his butt would like to get this shot before lunch. Once again,
 rolling... water working... and action....and cut. What was that?
 Joey: I was going for quiet desperation. But if you have to ask...
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Aurora and Chandler are in bed in Chandler's room.]
 Chandler: God, I love these fingers...
 Aurora: Thank you.
 Chandler: No, actually I meant my fingers. Look at 'em, look at how happy they
 are.
 Aurora: (moves Chandler's arm and look at his watch.) Oh my God, I'm late. (She
 starts to get up.)
 Chandler: Oh no nonononononnononono, don't go.. (He kisses her and pulls her
 back down.)
 Aurora: Okay.
 Chandler: Don't go.
 Aurora: Okay. Oh no, I have to.
 Chandler: (to himself) Too bad, she's leaving.
 Aurora: (getting up and dressing) I'm sorry. He'll be waiting for me.


 The One With the Blackout
 The One With the Blackout
 Written by: Jeffrey Astrof and Mike Sikowitz.
 Transcribed by: Ruth Curran
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is introducing Phoebe, who is playing her guitar for the
 crowd.]
 Rachel: Everybody? Shh, shhh. Uhhh... Central Perk is proud to present the music
 of Miss Phoebe Buffay.
 (applause)
 Phoebe: Hi. Um, I want to start with a song thats about that moment when you
 suddenly realize what life is all about. OK, here we go. (plays a chord, then the lights
 go out) OK, thank you very much.
 [Scene: The ATM vestibule of a bank, Chandler is inside. The lights go out, and he
 realizes he is trapped inside.]
 Chandler: Oh, great. This is just...
 (Chandler sees that there is a gorgeous model inside the vestibule with him. He makes a
 gesture of quiet exuberance.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the phone with her mother. Phoebe, Rachel,
 and Ross are there.]
 Rachel: Wow, this is so cool, you guys. The entire city is blacked out!
 Monica: Mom says it's all of Manhattan, parts of Brooklyn and Queens, and they
 have no idea when it's coming back on.
 Rachel: Wow, you guys, this is big.
 Monica: (into phone) Pants and a sweater? Why, mom? Who am I gonna meet in a
 blackout? Power company guys? Eligible looters? Could we talk about this later? OK. (hangs
 up)
 Phoebe: Can I borrow the phone? I want to call my apartment and check on my
 grandma. (to Monica) What's my number?
 (Monica and Rachel look at Phoebe strangely.)
 Phoebe: Well, I never call me.
 [Scene: ATM vestibule, Jill Goodacre is on the cellular phone. Chandler's thoughts are
 in italics.]
 Chandler: Oh my God, it's that Victoria's Secret model. Something...
 something Goodacre.
 Jill: (on phone) Hi Mom, it's Jill.
 Chandler: She's right, it's Jill. Jill Goodacre. Oh my God. I am trapped in
 an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre! (pause) Is it a vestibule? Maybe it's an
 atrium. Oh, yeah, that is the part to focus on, you idiot!
 Jill: (on phone) Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just stuck at the bank, in an ATM
 vestibule.
 Chandler: Jill says vestibule... I'm going with vestibule.
 Jill: (on phone) I'm fine. No, I'm not alone... I don't know, some guy.
 Chandler: Oh! Some guy. Some guy. 'Hey Jill, I saw you with some guy last
 night. Yes, he was some guy.
 (Chandler strides proudly across the vestibule and Jill stares at him.)
 [Scene: Monica's apartment, Joey enters with a menorah, the candles lit.]
 Joey: Hi everyone.
 Ross: And officiating at tonight's blackout, is Rabbi Tribbiani.
 Joey: Well, Chandler's old roomate was Jewish, and these are the only candles we
 have, so... Happy Chanukah, everyone.
 Phoebe: (at window) Eww, look. Ugly Naked Guy lit a bunch of candles.
 (They all look at the window, grossed out, then flinch in pain.)
 Rachel: That had to hurt!
 [Scene: ATM vestibule.]
 Chandler: Alright, alright, alright. It's been fourteen and a half minutes
 and you still have not said one word. Oh God, do something. Just make contact, smile!
 (Chandler smiles at her, she smiles back sweetly.)
 Chandler: There you go!
 (He continues to smile like an idiot, and she looks frightened.)
 Chandler: You're definitely scaring here.
 Jill: (awkwardly) Would you like to call somebody? (offering phone)
 Chandler: Yeah, about 300 guys I went to high school with. Yeah, thanks.
 (takes phone)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The phone rings; it's Chandler.]
 Monica: Hello?
 Chandler: Hey, it's me.
 Monica: (to everyone) It's Chandler! (on phone) Are you OK?
 Chandler: Yeah, I'm fine. (trying to cover up what he is saying) I'm trppd in an
 ATM vstbl wth Jll Gdcr.
 Monica: What?
 Chandler: I'm trppd... in an ATM vstbl... wth Jll Gdcr!
 Monica: I have no idea what you just said.
 Chandler: (angry) Put Joey on the phone.
 Joey: What's up man?
 Chandler: I'm trppd... in an ATM vstbl... wth JLL GDCR.
 Joey: (to everyone) Oh my God! He's trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill
 Goodacre! (on phone) Chandler, listen. (says something intentionally garbled)
 Chandler: Yeah, like that thought never entered my mind.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time has passed. The five are sitting around the coffee
 table talking.]
 Rachel: Alright, somebody.
 Monica: OK, I'll go. OK, senior year of college... on a pool table.
 All: Whoooaa!
 Ross: That's my sister.
 Joey: OK... my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second
 floor of the New York CIty public library.
 Monica: Oh my God! What were you doing in a library?
 Ross: Pheebs, what about you?
 Phoebe: Oh... Milwaukee.
 Rachel: Um... Ross?
 Ross: Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All.'
 All: No way!
 Ross: The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those
 mechanical Dutch children... then they fixed the ride, and we were asked never to return
 to the Magic Kingdom.


Phoebe: Oh, Rachel.
 Rachel: Oh come on, I already went.
 Monica: You did not go!
 All: Come on.
 Rachel: Oh, alright. The weirdest place would have to be... (sigh)... oh, the
 foot of the bed.
 Ross: Step back.
 Joey: We have a winner!
 [Time lapse, Ross and Rachel are talking, Joey is on the couch, and Monica and Phoebe
 are out of the room.]
 Rachel: I just never had a relationship with that kind of passion, you know,
 where you have to have somebody right there, in the middle of a theme park.
 Ross: Well, it was the only thing to do there that didn't have a line.
 Rachel: There, well, see? Barry wouldn't even kiss me on a miniature golf
 course.
 Ross: Come on.
 Rachel: No, he said we were holding up the people behind us.
 Ross: (sarcastically) And you didn't marry him because...?
 Rachel: I mean, do you think there are people who go through life never having
 that kind of...
 Ross: Probably. But you know, I'll tell you something. Passion is way overrated.
 Rachel: Yeah right.
 Ross: It is. Eventually, it kind of... burns out. But hopefully, what you're
 left with is trust, and security, and... well, in the case of my ex-wife, lesbianism. So,
 you know, for all of those people who miss out on that passion... thing, there's all that
 other good stuff.
 Rachel: (sigh) OK.
 Ross: But, um... I don't think that's going to be you.
 Rachel: You don't.
 Ross: Uh-uh. See, I see.... big passion in your future.
 Rachel: Really?
 Ross: Mmmm.
 Rachel: You do?
 Ross: I do.
 Rachel: Oh Ross, you're so great. (she playfully rubs his head and gets up)
 (Ross gets up, pleased with himself.)
 Joey: It's never gonna happen.
 Ross: (innocently) What?
 Joey: You and Rachel.
 Ross: (acts surprised) What? (pause) Why not?
 Joey: Because you waited too long to make your move, and now you're in the friend
 zone.
 Ross: No, no, no. I'm not in the zone.
 Joey: Ross, you're mayor of the zone.
 Ross: I'm taking my time, alright? I'm laying the groundwork. Yeah. I mean,
 every day I get just a little bit closer to...
 Joey: Priesthood! Look Ross, I'm telling you, she has no idea what you're
 thinking. If you don't ask her out soon you're going to end up stuck in the zone forever.
 Ross: I will, I will. See, I'm waiting for the right moment. (Joey looks at him)
 What? What, now?
 Joey: Yeeeeaaaahhh! What's messing you up? The wine? The candles? The moonlight?
 You've just got to go up to her and say, 'Rachel, I think that...' (Rachel comes into the
 room behind them)
 Ross: Shhhh!
 Rachel: What are you shushing?
 Ross: We're shushing... because... we're trying to hear something. Listen.
 (everyone is silent) Don't you hear that?
 Rachel: Ahhhh!
 Ross: See?
 Rachel: Huh. (she agrees, but looks very confused)
 [Scene: ATM vestibule.]
 Jill: Would you like some gum?
 Chandler: Um, is it sugarless?
 Jill: (checks) Sorry, it's not.
 Chandler: Oh, then no thanks. What the hell was that? Mental note: If Jill
 Goodacre offers you gum, you take it. If she offers you mangled animal carcass, you take
 it.
 [Scene: Monica's apartment, Phoebe is singing.]
 Phoebe: (singing) New York City has no power, and the milk is getting sour. But
 to me it is not scary, 'cause I stay away from dairy.... la la la, la la, la la... (she
 writes the lyrics down)
 Ross: (to Joey) OK, here goes.
 Joey: Are you going to do it?
 Ross: I'm going to do it.
 Joey: Do you want any help?
 Ross: You come out there, you're a dead man.
 Joey: Good luck, man.
 Ross: Thanks. (Joey hugs him) OK.
 Joey: OK. (Ross goes out on the balcony to talk to Rachel)
 (Monica walks in, starts to go out on the balcony.)
 Joey: Hey, where are you going?
 Monica: Outside.
 Joey: You can't go out there.
 Monica: Why not?
 Joey: Because of... the reason.
 Monica: And that would be?
 Joey: I, um, can't tell you.
 Monica: Joey, what's going on?
 Joey: OK, you've got to promise that you'll never, ever tell Ross that I told
 you.
 Monica: About what?
 Joey: He's planning your birthday party.
 Monica: Oh my God! I love him!
 Joey: (as Phoebe enters) You'd better act surprised.
 Phoebe: About what?
 Monica: My surprise party!
 Phoebe: What surprise party?
 Monica: Oh stop it. Joey already told me.
 Phoebe: Well, he didn't tell me.
 Joey: Hey, don't look at me. This is Ross's thing.
 Phoebe: This is so typical. I'm always the last one to know everything.
 Monica: No, you are not. We tell you stuff.
 Phoebe: Yuh-huh! I was the last one to know when Chandler got bitten by the
 peacock at the zoo. I was the last one to know when you had a crush on Joey when he was
 moving in. (Monica gestures at Phoebe to shut up; Joey looks surprised but pleased) Looks
 like I was second to last.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Ross and Rachel are talking.]


Rachel: Hmmm... this is so nice.
 Ross: OK, I have a question. Well, actually, it's not so much a question as..
 more of a general wondering... ment.
 Rachel: OK.
 Ross: OK. Here goes. For a while now, I've been wanting to, um....
 Rachel: Ohhh!!!! (looking at something behind Ross)
 Ross: Yes, yes, that's right...
 Rachel: Oh, look at the little cat! (a small kitten is on the roof behind Ross)
 Ross: What? (the cat jumps on his shoulders) Ow!
 [Cut to inside. Monica, Joey and Phoebe are singing while outside, Ross and Rachel are
 trying to get the cat off of Ross' shoulder.]
 Monica, Joey, and Phoebe: (singing) I'm on top of the world,
 looking down on creation and the only explanation I can find, is the wonders I've found
 ever since...
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is holding the cat, Monica is treating the
 scratches on Ross' back. Joey is holding the menorah over the wound.]
 Monica: (to Ross) This is just Bactine. It won't hurt.
 (Ross flinches in pain.)
 Joey: Sorry, that was wax.
 Phoebe: Oh, poor little Tooty is scared to death. We should find his owner.
 Ross: Why don't we just put 'poor little Tooty' out in the hall?
 Rachel: During a blackout? He'd get trampled!
 Ross: (nonchalantly) Yeah?
 [Scene: ATM vestibule.]
 Chandler: You know, on second thought, gum would be perfection. (Jill gives him
 a stick of gum, and a strange look) 'Gum would be perfection'? 'Gum would be
 perfection.' Could have said 'gum would be nice,' or 'I'll have a stick,' but no, no, no,
 no. For me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself.
 [Scene: The hallway of Monica's building. Phoebe and Rachel are trying to find the
 cat's owner.]
 Phoebe: (stops at a door) Oh no, the Mendels, they hate all living things,
 right?
 Rachel: Oh. (they knock at the next door, Mr. Heckles answers) Hi. We just found
 this cat and we're looking for the owner.
 Mr. Heckles: Er, yeah, it's mine.
 Phoebe: (trying to hold back the struggling cat) He seems to hate you. Are you
 sure?
 Mr. Heckles: Yeah, it's my cat. Give me my cat.
 Phoebe: Wait a minute. What's his name?
 Mr. Heckles: Ehhhh... B-Buttons.
 Rachel: Bob Buttons?
 Mr. Heckles: Mmm. Bob Buttons. Here, Bob Buttons.
 Phoebe: (the cat runs away from her) Oooh! You are a very bad man!
 Mr. Heckles: (as Phoebe and Rachel leave) You owe me a cat.
 [Scene: Rachel has gone off on her own to look for the cat's owner.]
 Rachel: Here, kitty-kitty. Here kitty-kitty. Where did you go, little
 kitty-kitty-kitty? Here kitty-kitty-kitty-kitty...
 (While looking at the floor for the cat, Rachel runs into a pair of legs. She slowly
 gets up and sees a gorgeous Italian hunk holding the cat. Who, by the way, you'll hate
 very, very soon. The man. Not the cat.)
 Paolo: (something Italian)
 Rachel: Wow. (she exhales in amazement, blowing the candle out)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Monica, and Joey are playing Monopoly.]
 Ross: (rolling) Lucky sixes....
 Rachel: (entering with Paolo, arm in arm) Everybody, this is Paolo. Paolo, I
 want you to meet my friends. This is Monica.
 Monica: (smitten) Hi!
 Rachel: And Joey....
 Monica: Hi!
 Rachel: And Ross.
 Monica: Hi!
 Paolo: (something in Italian)
 Rachel: (proudly) He doesn't speak much English.
 Paolo: (pointing at game) Monopoly!
 Rachel: Look at that!
 Ross: (jealous) So, um... where did Paolo come from?
 Rachel: Oh... Italy, I think.
 Ross: No, I mean tonight, in the building. Suddenly. Into our lives.
 Rachel: Well, the cat... the cat turned out to be Paolo's cat!
 Ross: That, that is funny... (to Joey).... and Rachel keeps touching him.
 (Phoebe enters.)
 Phoebe: Alright. I looked all over the building and I couldn't find the kitty
 anywhere.
 Rachel: Oh, I found him. He was Paolo's cat.
 Phoebe: Ah! Well! There you go! Last to know again! And I'm guessing... since
 nobody told me... this is Paolo.
 Rachel: Ah, Paolo, this is Phoebe.
 Paolo: (something in Italian, he is apparently attracted to Phoebe)
 Phoebe: (smiling) You betcha!
 [Scene: ATM vestibule.]
 Chandler: (chewing gum) Ah, let's see. What next? Blow a bubble. A bubble's
 good. It's got a... boyish charm, it's impish. Here we go.
 (Chandler waits until Jill is looking, then starts to blow a bubble. But instead of
 blow one, he accidentally spits the gum out of his mouth and hits the wall.)
 Chandler: Nice going, imp. OK, it's OK. All I need to do is reach over and
 put it in my mouth. (Chandler slyly grabs the gum from the wall and slides it back in
 his mouth.)
 Chandler: Good save! We're back on track, and I'm... (grimacing) ..chewing
 someone else's gum. This is not my gum. Oh my God! Oh my God! And now you're
 choking.
 (Chandler starts to choke.)
 Jill: Are you alright?
 (Chandler tries to save face and makes the 'OK' sign with his hands, while obviously
 unable to breathe.)
 Jill: My God, you're choking! (she runs over and gives him the Heimlich, the gum
 flies from his mouth) That better?


 The One Where Nana Dies Twice
 The One Where Nana Dies Twice
 Written by: Marta Kaufmann & David Crane
 Transcribed by: guineapig
 With Help From: Rachel Stigge
 [Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is on a coffee break.
 Shelley enters.)
 Shelley: Hey gorgeous, how's it going?
 Chandler: Dehydrated Japanese noodles under fluorescent lights... does it get
 better than this?
 Shelley: Question. You're not dating anybody, are you, because I met somebody
 who would be perfect for you.
 Chandler: Ah, y'see, perfect might be a problem. Had you said 'co-dependent', or
 'self-destructive'...
 Shelley: Do you want a date Saturday?
 Chandler: Yes please.
 Shelley: Okay. He's cute, he's funny, he's-
 Chandler: He's a he?
 Shelley: Well yeah! ...Oh God. I- just- I thought- Good, Shelley. I'm just gonna
 go flush myself down the toilet now...(backs out of the room) Okay, goodbye...
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there.)
 Chandler: ...Couldn't enjoy a cup of noodles after that. I mean, is that
 ridiculous? Can you believe she actually thought that?
 Rachel: Um... yeah. Well, I mean, when I first met you, y'know, I thought maybe,
 possibly, you might be...
 Chandler: You did?
 Rachel: Yeah, but then you spent Phoebe's entire birthday party talking to my
 breasts, so then I figured maybe not.
 Chandler: Huh. Did, uh... any of the rest of you guys think that when you first
 met me?
 Monica: I did.
 Phoebe: Yeah, I think so, yeah.
 Joey: Not me.
 Ross: Nono, me neither. Although, uh, y'know, back in college, Susan Sallidor
 did.
 Chandler: You're kidding! Did you tell her I wasn't?
 Ross: No. No, it's just 'cause, uh, I kinda wanted to go out with her too, so I
 told her, actually, you were seeing Bernie Spellman... who also liked her, so...
 (Joey congratulates Ross, sees Chandler's look and abruptly stops.)
 Chandler: Well, this is fascinating. So, uh, what is it about me?
 Phoebe: I dunno, 'cause you're smart, you're funny...
 Chandler: Ross is smart and funny, d'you ever think that about him?
 All: Yeah! Right!
 Chandler: WHAT IS IT?!
 Monica: Okay, I-I d'know, you-you just- you have a quality.
 All: Yes. Absolutely. A quality.
 Chandler: Oh, oh, a quality, good, because I was worried you guys were gonna be
 vague about this.
 (Phone rings; Monica gets it)
 Monica: Hello? Hello? Oh! Rachel, it's Paolo calling from Rome.
 Rachel: Oh my God! Calling from Rome! (Takes phone) Bon giorno, caro mio.
 Ross: (to Joey) So he's calling from Rome. I could do that. Just gotta go to
 Rome.
 Rachel: Monica, your dad just beeped in, but can you make it quick? Talking to
 Rome. (Showing off to Phoebe and Chandler) I'm talking to Rome.
 Monica: Hey dad, what's up? (Listens) Oh God. Ross, it's Nana.
 [Scene: The Hospital, Mr. and Mrs. Geller are there, along with Aunt Lillian. Ross and
 Monica enter and everyone says hi and kisses.)
 Ross: So, uh, how's she doing?
 Aunt Lillian: The doctor says it's a matter of hours.
 Monica: How-how are you, Mom?
 Mrs. Geller: Me? I'm fine, fine. I'm glad you're here. ...What's with your hair?
 Monica: What?
 Mrs. Geller: What's different?
 Monica: Nothing.
 Mrs. Geller: Oh, maybe that's it.
 (Monica strides over to Ross, who is making coffee, and talks to him aside.)
 Monica: She is unbelievable, our mother is...
 Ross: Okay, relax, relax. We are gonna be here for a while, it looks like, and
 we still have boyfriends and your career to cover.
 Monica: Oh God!
 (They hug.)
 [Cut to the hospital, later. Everyone is talking about Nana.]
 Monica: The fuzzy little mints at the bottom of her purse.
 Ross: Oh! ...Yeah, they were gross. Oh, you know what I loved? Her Sweet 'n'
 Los. How she was always stealing them from- from restaurants.
 Mr. Geller: Not just restaurants, from our house.
 (The nurse comes out of Nana's room.)
 Nurse: Mrs. Geller?
 (Everyone stands up. Cut to Ross and Monica in Nana's room.)
 Ross: She looks so small.
 Monica: I know.
 Ross: Well, at least she's with Pop-Pop and Aunt Phyllis now.
 Monica: G'bye, Nana. (She kisses her on the forehead.)
 Ross: Bye, Nana.
 (He goes to kiss her but she moves. Monica screams. Ross shouts and stares in
 disbelief. Monica runs out of the room.)
 Monica: Ross!
 (Ross runs out too.)
 Mrs. Geller: What is going on?!
 Ross: Y'know how-how the nurse said that-that Nana had passed? Well, she's not,
 quite..
 Mrs. Geller: What?
 Ross: She's not- past, she's present, she's back.
 Aunt Lillian: (reentering) What's going on?
 Mr. Geller: She may have died.
 Aunt Lillian: She may have died?
 Mr. Geller: We're looking into it.
 (Monica returns with the nurse and they go into Nana's room.)
 Ross: I, uh, I'll go see. (He goes in)
 Nurse: This almost never happens!
 (Nana passes for the second time and the nurse pulls the blanket over her. Ross and
 Monica go to tell the family)


Ross: Now she's passed.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, Joey, and Rachel are there.]
 Chandler: I just have to know, okay. Is it my hair?
 Rachel: (exasperated) Yes, Chandler, that's exactly what it is. It's your hair.
 Phoebe: Yeah, you have homosexual hair.
 (Monica and Ross enter.)
 Rachel: So, um, did she...
 Ross: Twice.
 Joey: Twice?
 Phoebe: Oh, that sucks!
 Joey: You guys okay?
 Ross: I dunno, it's weird. I mean, I know she's gone, but I just don't feel,
 uh...
 Phoebe: Maybe that's 'cause she's not really gone.
 Ross: Nono, she's gone.
 Monica: We checked. A lot.
 Phoebe: Hm, I mean maybe no-one ever really goes. Ever since my mom died, every
 now and then, I get the feeling that she's like right here, y'know? (She circles her hand
 around her right shoulder. Chandler, sitting on her right, draws back nervously) Oh! And
 Debbie, my best friend from junior high- got struck by lightning on a miniature golf
 course- I always get this really strong Debbie vibe whenever I use one of those little
 yellow pencils, y'know? ...I miss her.
 Rachel: Aw. Hey, Pheebs, want this? (Gives her a pencil)
 Phoebe: Thanks!
 Rachel: Sure. I just sharpened her this morning.
 Joey: Now, see, I don't believe any of that. I think once you're dead, you're
 dead! You're gone! You're worm food! (realises his tactlessness) ...So Chandler looks gay,
 huh?
 Phoebe: Y'know, I dunno who this is, but it's not Debbie. (Hands back the
 pencil)
 [Scene: Nana's house, Ross, Mrs. Geller and Aunt Lillian are going through clothes.]
 Ross: I thought it was gonna be a closed casket.
 Mrs. Geller: Well, that doesn't mean she can't look nice!
 (They open a cupboard which, amongst other things, contains a chest of drawers)
 Mrs. Geller: Sweetie, you think you can get in there?
 Ross: (sarcastic) I don't see why not.
 (He tries pushing against the chest of drawers. Then he opens one of the drawers and
 climbs into the closet using that; he falls behind the chest of drawers with a shout.)
 Ross: Here's my retainer!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is talking to her father.]
 Mr. Geller: I was just thinking. When my time comes-
 Monica: Dad!
 Mr. Geller: Listen to me! When my time comes, I wanna be buried at sea.
 Monica: You what?
 Mr. Geller: I wanna be buried at sea, it looks like fun.
 Monica: Define fun.
 Mr. Geller: C'mon, you'll make a day of it! You'll rent a boat, pack a lunch...
 Monica: ...And then we throw your body in the water... Gee, that does sound fun.
 Mr. Geller: Everyone thinks they know me. Everyone says 'Jack Geller, so
 predictable'. Maybe after I'm gone, they'll say 'Buried at sea! Huh!'.
 Monica: That's probably what they'll say.
 Mr. Geller: I'd like that.
 [Scene: Chandler's Office, Shelley is drinking coffee; Chandler enters.]
 Chandler: Hey, gorgeous.
 Shelley: (sheepish) Hey. Look, I'm sorry about yesterday, I, um-
 Chandler: No, nono, don't- don't worry about it. Believe me, apparently other
 people have made the same mistake.
 Shelley: Oh! Okay! Phew!
 Chandler: So, uh... what do you think it is about me?
 Shelley: I dunno, uh... you just have a-a...
 Chandler: ...Quality, right, great.
 Shelley: Y'know, it's a shame, because you and Lowell would've made a great
 couple.
 Chandler: Lowell? Financial Services' Lowell, that's who you saw me with?
 Shelley: What? He's cute!
 Chandler: Well, yeah... 's'no Brian in Payroll.
 Shelley: Is Brian...?
 Chandler: No! Uh, I d'know! The point is, if you were gonna set me up with
 someone, I'd like to think you'd set me up with someone like him.
 Shelley: Well, I think Brian's a little out of your league.
 Chandler: Excuse me? You don't think I could get a Brian? Because I could get
 a Brian. Believe you me. ...I'm really not.
 [Scene: Nana's Bedroom, Ross is holding a dress out from inside the closet.]
 Ross: (holding a dress out from inside the closet) This one?
 Aunt Lillian: No.
 Ross: I have shown you everything we have. Unless you want your mother to spend
 eternity in a lemon yellow pant-suit, go with the burgundy.
 Aunt Lillian: You know, whatever we pick, she would've told us it's the wrong
 one.
 Mrs. Geller: You're right. We'll go with the burgundy.
 Ross: Oh! A fine choice. I'm coming out. (Starts to climb over the furniture)
 Aunt Lillian: Wait! We need shoes!
 (Ross falls back inside)
 Ross: Okay. Um, how about these? (Holds out a pair)
 Mrs. Geller: That's really a day shoe.
 Ross: And where she's going everyone else'll be dressier?
 Aunt Lillian: Could we see something in a slimmer heel?
 Ross: (forages around) Okay, I have nothing in an evening shoe in the burgundy.
 I can show you something in a silver that may work.
 Aunt Lillian: No, it really should be burgundy.
 Mrs. Geller: Mm. Unless we go with a different dress?


Ross: No! Nonono, wait a sec. I may have something in the back.
 (He finds a shoebox (out of shot), pulls it down and opens it. It is full of Sweet
 'n' Lo's.)
 Ross: Oh my God..
 Mrs. Geller: Is everything all right, dear?
 Ross: Yeah, just... just Nana stuff.
 (He reaches up higher and knocks down another shoebox lid. Sweet 'n' Lo's rain
 down on him)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are preparing to leave for the funeral.]
 Ross: (entering) How we doing, you guys ready?
 Monica: Mom already called this morning to remind me not to wear my hair up. Did
 you know my ears are not my best feature?
 Ross: Some days it's all I can think about.
 Phoebe: (entering) Hi, sorry I'm late, I couldn't find my bearings.
 Rachel: Oh, you-you mean your earrings?
 Phoebe: What'd I say?
 Rachel: (sticking her foot out) Hm-m.
 Monica: Are these the shoes?
 Rachel: Yes. Paolo sent them from Italy.
 Ross: What, we-uh- we don't have shoes here, or...?
 Joey: (entering with Chandler) Morning. We ready to go?
 Chandler: Well, don't we look nice all dressed up?...It's stuff like that, isn't
 it?
 (They all leave.)
 [Scene: The cemetary, after the funeral.]
 Monica: It was a really beautiful service.
 Mrs. Geller: It really was. Oh, c'mere, sweetheart. (Hugs her) Y'know, I think
 it might be time for you to start using night cream.
 (Joey listens to his overcoat for a second and sighs, then notices Chandler watching)
 Joey: What?
 Chandler: Nothing, just your overcoat sounds remarkably like Brent Mussberger.
 Joey: Check it out, Giants-Cowboys. (He has a pocket TV)
 Chandler: You're watching a football game at a funeral?
 Joey: No, it's the pre-game. I'm gonna watch it at the reception.
 Chandler: You are a frightening, frightening man.
 (Rachel steps in a patch of mud)
 Rachel: Oh no! My new Paolo shoes!
 Ross: Oh, I hope they're not ruined.
 Phoebe: God, what a great day. ...What? Weather-wise!
 Ross: I know, uh, the air, the-the trees... even though Nana's gone there's,
 there's something almost, uh- I dunno, almost life-aff- (Not looking where he is going he
 falls into an open grave)
 All: God! Ross!
 Ross: I'm fine. Just-just... having my worst fear realised...
 [Scene: The Wake, at the Gellers' house. Ross is lying on his back, with Phoebe
 squatting over him, checking to see if he's injured.]
 Phoebe: Okay, don't worry, I'm just checking to see if the muscle's in
 spasm...huh.
 Ross: What, what is it?
 Phoebe: You missed a belt loop.
 Ross: Oh! No-n-
 Phoebe: Okay, it's in spasm.
 Mrs. Geller: Here, sweetie, here. I took these when I had my golfing accident.
 (Hands Ross a bottle of pills. Then turns to Monica and pats her hair over her ears)
 (Cut to Chandler and a woman, Andrea, reaching for the same slice of meat)
 Chandler: Oh, no-
 Andrea: Sorry- Hi, I'm Dorothy's daughter.
 Chandler: Hi, I'm Chandler, and I have no idea who Dorothy is.
 (They shake hands. Cut to Ross emerging from a hallway, grinning inanely. He is
 obviously very stoned)
 Phoebe: Hey, look who's up! How do you feel?
 Ross: I feel great. I feel- great, I fleel great.
 Monica: Wow, those pills really worked, huh?
 Ross: Not the first two, but the second two- woooo! ...I love you guys. You guys
 are the greatest. I love my sister (Kisses Monica), I love Pheebs... (Hugs her)
 Phoebe: Ooh! That's so nice...
 Ross: ...Chandler!
 Chandler: Hey.
 Ross: (hugs him) And listen, man, if you wanna be gay, be gay. Doesn't matter to
 me.
 Andrea: (turns to a friend) You were right. (They walk off and leave Chandler.)
 Ross: Rachel. Rachel Rachel. (Sits down beside her) I love you the most.
 Rachel: (humouring him) Oh, well you know who I love the most?
 Ross: No.
 Rachel: You!
 Ross: Oh.. you don't get it! (Passes out and slumps across her)
 (Cut to Joey watching TV in the corner. He makes an extravagant gesture of
 disappointment.)
 Mr. Geller: Whaddya got there?
 Joey: (hides the TV, but he still has an earphone) Just a, uh... hearing
 disability.
 Mr. Geller: What's the score?
 Joey: Seventeen-fourteen Giants... three minutes to go in the third.
 Mr. Geller: Beautiful! (Turns to watch with him)
 (Time lapse. A large crowd of men are now watching the game)
 Rachel: (still trapped under Ross) Pheebs, could you maybe hand me a cracker?
 Mrs. Geller: (to Monica) Your grandmother would have hated this.
 Monica: Well, sure, what with it being her funeral and all.
 Mrs. Geller: No, I'd be hearing about 'Why didn't I get the honey-glazed ham?',
 I didn't spend enough on flowers, and if I spent more she'd be saying 'Why are you wasting
 your money? I don't need flowers, I'm dead'.
 Monica: That sounds like Nana.
 Mrs. Geller: Do you know what it's like to grow up with someone who is critical
 of every single thing you say?


 The One Where Underdog Gets Away
 The One Where Underdog Gets Away
 Written by: Jeff Greenstein & Jeff Strauss
 Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips
 With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is confronting her boss, Terry.]
 Rachel: Terry, I, I, I know that I haven't worked here very long, but I was
 wondering, do you think it would be possible if I got a $100 advance in my salary?
 Terry: An advance?
 Rachel: It's so that I can spend Thanksgiving with my family. See, every year we
 go skiing in Vail, and normally my father pays for my ticket, but I sort of started the
 whole independence thing, you know, which is actually why I took this job.
 Terry: Rachel, Rachel, sweetheart. You're a terrible, terrible waitress. Really,
 really awful.
 Rachel: Ok, I, I hear what you're sayin'. I'm with you. Um, but I, but I'm
 trying really hard. And I think I'm doing better. I really do. Does anybody need coffee?
 (everyone in the place raises their hand) Oh, look at that.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is approaching a customer.]
 Rachel: Excuse me, sir. Hi, you come in here all time. I was just wondering, do
 you think there's a possibility that you could give me an advance on my tips?
 Guy: Huh?
 Rachel: Ok, ok, that's fine. Fine. Hey, I'm sorry about that spill before.
 (picks up the tip he leaves) Only $98.50 to go.
 (Monica enters.)
 Monica: Hey. Ross, did you know Mom and Dad are going to Puerto Rico for
 Thanksgiving?
 Ross: No, they're not.
 Monica: Yes, they are. The Blymens invited them.
 Ross: You're wrong.
 Monica: I am not wrong.
 Ross: You're wrong.
 Monica: No, I just talked to them.
 Ross: (getting up, upset) I'm calling Mom.
 (Joey enters. His face looks abnormally colorful.)
 Joey: Hey, hey.
 Chandler: Hey.
 Phoebe: Hey.
 Chandler: And this from the cry-for-help department. Are you wearing makeup?
 Joey: Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially Joey Tribbiani, actor slash model.
 Chandler: That's so funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more like Joey
 Tribbiani, man slash woman.
 Phoebe: What were you modeling for?
 Joey: You know those posters for the city free clinic?
 Monica: Oh, wow, so you're gonna be one of those 'healthy, healthy, healthy
 guys'?
 Phoebe: You know, the asthma guy was really cute.
 Chandler: Do you know which one you're gonna be?
 Joey: No, but I hear lyme disease is open, so... (crosses fingers)
 Chandler: Good luck, man. I hope you get it.
 Joey: Thanks.
 (Ross comes back to the couch.)
 Ross: (to Monica) Well, you were right. How can they do this to us, huh? It's
 Thanksgiving.
 Monica: Ok, I'll tell you what. How about I cook dinner at my place? I'll make
 it just like Mom's.
 Ross: Will you make the mashed potatoes with the lumps?
 Monica: You know, they're not actually supposed to have... (Ross looks at her
 sheepishly) I'll work on the lumps. Joey, you're going home, right?
 Joey: Yeah.
 Monica: And I assume, Chandler, you are still boycotting all the pilgrim
 holidays.
 Chandler: Yes, every single one of them.
 Monica: Phoebe, you're gonna be with your grandma?
 Phoebe: Yes, and her boyfriend. But we're celebrating Thanksgiving in December
 'cause he is lunar.
 Monica: So you're free Thursday, then.
 Phoebe: Yeah. Oh, can I come?
 Monica: Yeah. Rach, are you thinking you're gonna make it to Vail?
 Rachel: Absolutely. Shoop, shoop, shoop. Only a hundred and two dollars to go.
 Chandler: I thought it was $98.50.
 Rachel: Yeah, well it was. I, I broke a cup.
 Ross: Well, I'm off to Carol's.
 Phoebe: Ooh, ooh! Why don't we invite her?
 Ross: (mimicking) Ooh, ooh. Because she's my ex-wife, and will probably want to
 bring her, ooh, ooh, lesbian life partner.
 [Scene: Carol and Susan's apartment, Susan is there. Ross enters.]
 Ross: Hi, is uh, is Carol here?
 Susan: No, she's at a faculty meeting.
 Ross: Oh, I uh, just came by to pick up my skull. Well, not mine, but...Susan:
 Come in.
 Ross: Thanks. Yeah, Carol borrowed it for a class, and I have to get it back to
 the museum.
 Susan: What's it look like?
 Ross: Kinda like a big face without skin.
 Susan: Yes, I'm familiar with the concept. We can just look for it.
 Ross: Ok. (browsing the apartment) Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about
 bein' a lesbian.
 Susan: Well, you know, you have to take a course. Otherwise, they don't let you
 do it.
 Ross: (picking up a book) Hey, hey, Yertle the Turtle. A classic.
 Susan: Actually, I'm reading it to the baby.
 Ross: The uh, the baby that hasn't been born yet? Wouldn't that mean you're...
 crazy?
 Susan: What, you don't think they can hear sounds in there?


Ross: You're not serious, I mean, you really... you really talk to it?
 Susan: Yeah, all the time. I want the baby to know my voice.
 Ross: Do you uh, do you talk about me?
 Susan: Yeah, yeah, all the time.
 Ross: Really?
 Susan: But um, we just refer to you as Bobo the Sperm Guy.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there but Rachel.]
 Ross: Look, if she's talking to it, I just think that I should get some belly
 time too. Not that I believe any of this.
 Phoebe: Oh, I believe it. I think the baby can totally hear everything. I can
 show you. Look, this will seem a little weird, but you put your head inside this turkey,
 and then we'll all talk, and you'll hear everything we say.
 Chandler: I'd just like to say that I'm totally behind this experiment. In fact,
 I'd very much like to butter your head.
 (Rachel enters.)
 Monica: Hey, Rach, did you make your money?
 Rachel: No, not even close. Forget Vail, forget seeing my family, forget shoop,
 shoop, shoop.
 Monica: Rach, here's your mail.
 Rachel: Thanks, you can just put it on the table.
 Monica: (insistently) No, here's your mail.
 Rachel: Thanks, you can just put it on the table.
 Monica: (gives her an envelope) Would you just open it?
 (Rachel opens it. Inside is the money she needed.)
 Rachel: Oh my god, oh, you guys are great.
 Monica: We all chipped in.
 Joey: (to Monica) We did?
 Monica: (to Joey) You owe me 20 bucks.
 Rachel: Thank you. Thank you so much!
 Monica: (hands Chandler a bag) Chandler, here you go, got your traditional
 Thanksgiving feast, you got your tomato soup, your grilled cheese fixin's, and your family
 size bag of Funyuns.
 Rachel: Wait, wait, Chandler, this is what you're havin' for Thanksgiving
 dinner? What, what, what is it with you and this holiday?
 Chandler: All right, I'm nine years old.
 Ross: Oh, I hate this story.
 Chandler: We just finished this magnificent Thanksgiving dinner. I have--and I
 remember this part vividly--a mouthful of pumpkin pie, and this is the moment my parents
 choose to tell me they're getting divorced.
 Rachel: Oh my god.
 Chandler: Yes. It's very difficult to appreciate a Thanksgiving dinner once
 you've seen it in reverse.
 [Scene: The subway, Joey spots a gorgeous woman waiting. He goes up to her.]
 Joey: Uh, hi. We uh, we used to work together.
 Girl: We did?
 Joey: Yeah, at Macy's. You were the Obsession girl, right? I was the Aramis guy.
 (pretends to spray cologne) Aramis? Aramis?
 Girl: Yeah, right.
 Joey: I gotta tell you. You're the best in the business.
 Girl: Get out.
 Joey: I'm serious. You're amazing. You know when to spritz, when to lay back.
 Girl: Really? You don't know what that means to me.
 Joey: Ooh, you smell great tonight. What're you wearing?
 Girl: (provocatively) Nothing.
 Joey: Listen, uh, you wanna go get a drink or something?
 Girl: Yeah. (she gets up, notices something behind Joey) Oh.
 Joey: What's wrong?
 Girl: I just remembered, I have to do something.
 Joey: Oh. What?
 Girl: Um, leave.
 Joey: Wait, wait, wait!
 (Joey turns around and sees his face on a poster in the subway. The poster says: What
 Mario isn't telling you...V.D., you never know who might have it. A variety of scenes are
 shown with the poster displayed all over New York City.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey enters, amongst snickers from the gang.]
 Joey: So I guess you all saw it.
 Rachel: Saw what?
 Phoebe: No, we were just laughing. You know, how laughter can be infectious.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey enters, upset.]
 Joey: Set another place for Thanksgiving. My entire family thinks I have VD.
 Chandler: Tonight, on a very special Blossom.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is cooking Thanksgiving dinner. Chandler is
 standing in the doorway, not wanting to participate in the festivities.]
 Monica: Mmm, looking good. Ok, cider's mulling, turkey's turking, yams are
 yamming. (notices Ross is depressed) What?
 Ross: I don't know. It's just not the same without Mom in the kitchen.
 Monica: All right, that's it. You know what? Just get out of my way and stop
 moping.
 Ross: That's closer.
 (Rachel enters, excited.)
 Rachel: I got the tickets! I got the tickets! Five hours from now, shoop, shoop,
 shoop.
 Chandler: Oh, you must stop shooping.
 Rachel: Ok, I'm gonna get my stuff.
 Joey: Chandler, will you just come in already?
 Chandler: No, I prefer to keep a safe distance from all this merriment.
 (Phoebe takes a slice of pumpkin pie and waves it in front of Chandler's face.)
 Phoebe: Look out, incoming pumpkin pie!
 Chandler: Ok, we all laughed when you did it with the stuffing, but that's not
 funny anymore.
 (Chandler leaves.)
 Joey: Hey, Monica, I got a question. I don't see any tater tots.


Monica: That's not a question.
 Joey: But my mom always makes them. It's like a tradition. You get a little
 piece of turkey on your fork, a little cranberry sauce, and a tot! It's bad enough I can't
 be with my family because of my disease.
 Monica: All right, fine. Tonight's potatoes will be both mashed with lumps, and
 in the form of tots.
 Ross: Ok, I'm off to talk to my unborn child.
 (Ross grabs for some food, Monica slaps his hand away.)
 Monica: Ah!
 Ross: Ok, Mom never hit.
 (Ross exits.)
 Phoebe: (stirring pot) Ok, all done.
 Monica: What, Phoebe, did you whip the potatoes? Ross needs lumps!
 Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry, oh, I just, I thought we could have them whipped and then
 add some peas and onions.
 Monica: Why would we do that?
 Phoebe: Well, 'cause then they'd be like my mom used to make them, you know,
 before she died.
 Monica: Ok, three kinds of potatoes coming up.
 Rachel: Ok, good-bye you guys. Thanks for everything. (she starts to leave, and
 hits everyone with her skis) Oh, sorry! Oh, sorry!
 (Chandler enters, running.)
 Chandler: The most unbelievable thing has happened. Underdog has just gotten
 away.
 Joey: The balloon?
 Chandler: No, no, the actual cartoon character. Of course the balloon. It's all
 over the news. Right before he reached Macy's, he broke free and was spotted
 flying over Washington Square Park. I'm goin' to the roof, who's with me?
 Rachel: I can't, I gotta go.
 Chandler: Come on. An 80-foot inflatable dog let loose over the city. How often
 does that happen?
 Phoebe: Almost never.
 Monica: Got the keys? or Got the keys!
 Rachel: Ok.
 (Everyone leaves the apartment.)
 [Scene: Carol and Susan's, Ross is preparing to talk to her belly.]
 Carol: Anytime you're ready.
 Ross: Ok, ok, here we go. (he crouches down near her stomach) Ok, where am I
 talking to, here? I mean, uh, well, there is one way that seems to offer a certain
 acoustical advantage, but...
 Carol: Just aim for the bump.
 Ross: Ok, ok, ok, ok, here goes. You know, I, you know, can't do this. Uh, this
 is too weird. I feel stupid.
 Carol: So don't do it, it's fine. You don't have to do it just because Susan
 does it.
 Ross: (quickly talking) Hello, baby. Hello, hello.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the group is coming back from the roof.]
 Rachel: I loved the moment when you first saw the giant dog shadow all over the
 park.
 Phoebe: Yeah, but did they have to shoot him down? I mean, that was just mean.
 Monica: Ok, right about now the turkey should be crispy on the outside, juicy on
 the inside. Why are we standing here?
 Rachel: We're waiting for you to open the door. You got the keys.
 Monica: No I don't.
 Rachel: Yes, you do. When we left, you said, 'got the keys.'
 Monica: No I didn't. I asked, 'got the ke-eys?'
 Rachel: No, no, no, you said, 'got the keys'.
 Chandler: Do either of you have the keys?
 Monica: (panicked) The oven is on.
 Rachel: Oh, I gotta get my ticket!
 Joey: Wait, wait, we have a copy of your key.
 Monica: Well then get it, get it!
 Joey: That tone will not make me go any faster.
 Monica: (angry) Joey!
 Joey: That one will.
 (Joey leaves to get the copy of the key.)
 [Scene: Carol and Susan's, Carol is reading, Ross is talking to her stomach.]
 Ross: And everyone's telling me, you gotta pick a major, you gotta pick a major.
 So, on a dare, I picked paleontology. And you have no idea what I'm saying, because, let's
 face it, you're a fetus. You're just happy you don't have gills anymore.
 Carol: Look, you don't have to talk to it. You can sing to it if you want.
 Ross: Oh, please. I am not singing to your stomach, ok?
 (Susan enters.)
 Susan: Hi, how's it goin?
 Ross: Shh! (singing) Here we come, walkin' down the street, get the funniest
 looks from, everyone we meet. Hey, hey! (to Carol) Hey, uh, did you just feel that?
 Carol: I did.
 Ross: Does it always, uh--?
 Carol: No, no that was the first.
 Susan: Keep singing! Keep singing!
 Ross: (singing) Hey, hey, you're my baby, and I can't wait to meet you. When
 you come out I'll buy you a bagel, and then we'll go to the zoo.
 Susan: I felt it!
 Ross: (singin) Hey, hey, I'm your daddy. I'm the one without any breasts.
 [Scene: The Hallway, Joey has a tray full of keys, and is trying each one in the lock.]
 Joey: Nope, not that one.
 Monica: Can you go any faster with that?
 Joey: Hey, I got one keyhole and about a zillion keys. You do the math.
 Monica: Why do you guys have so many keys in there anyway?


 The One With The Monkey
 The One With the Monkey
 Written by: Adam Chase & Ira Ungerleider
 Transcribed by: guineapig
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.]
 Ross: Guys? There's a somebody I'd like you to meet.
 (A monkey jumps on to his shoulder.)
 All: Oooh!
 Monica: W-wait. What is that?
 Ross: 'That' would be Marcel. You wanna say hi?
 Monica: No, no, I don't.
 Rachel: Oh, he is precious! Where did you get him?
 Ross: My friend Bethel rescued him from some lab.
 Phoebe: That is so cruel! Why? Why would a parent name their child Bethel?
 Chandler: Hey, that monkey's got a Ross on its ass!
 Monica: Ross, is he gonna live with you, like, in your apartment?
 Ross: Yeah. I mean, it's been kinda quiet since Carol left, so...
 Monica: Why don't you just get a roommate?
 Ross: Nah, I dunno... I think you reach a certain age, having a roommate is
 kinda pathe- (Realises) ....sorry, that's, that's 'pathet', which is Sanskrit for 'really
 cool way to live'.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is getting ready to sing. Joey is not there.]
 Phoebe: So you guys, I'm doing all new material tonight. I have twelve new songs
 about my mother's suicide, and one about a snowman.
 Chandler: Might wanna open with the snowman.
 (Enter Joey)
 All: Hey, Joey. Hey, buddy.
 Monica: So, how'd it go?
 Joey: Ahhhhhh, I didn't get the job.
 Ross: How could you not get it? You were Santa last year.
 Joey: I dunno. Some fat guy's sleeping with the store manager. He's not even
 jolly, it's all political.
 Monica: So what are you gonna be?
 Joey: Ah, I'm gonna be one of his helpers. It's just such a slap in the face,
 y'know?
 Rachel: Hey, do you guys know what you're doing for New Year's? (They all
 protest and hit her with cushions) Gee, what?! What is wrong with New Year's?
 Chandler: Nothing for you, you have Paolo. You don't have to face the horrible
 pressures of this holiday: desperate scramble to find anything with lips just so you can
 have someone to kiss when the ball drops!! Man, I'm talking loud!
 Rachel: Well, for your information, Paolo is gonna be in Rome this New Year, so
 I'll be just as pathetic as the rest of you.
 Phoebe: Yeah, you wish!
 Chandler: It's just that I'm sick of being a victim of this Dick Clark holiday.
 I say this year, no dates, we make a pact. Just the six of us- dinner.
 All: Yeah, okay. Alright.
 Chandler: Y'know, I was hoping for a little more enthusiasm.
 All: Woooo! Yeah!
 Rachel: Phoebe, you're on.
 Phoebe: Oh, oh, good.
 Rachel: (Into microphone) Okay, hi. Ladies and gentlemen, back by popular
 demand, Miss Phoebe Buffay. Wooh!
 Phoebe: (Takes mike) Thanks, hi. Um, I wanna start with a song that means a lot
 to me this time of year. (Shakes bell as an introduction) (Sung:)
 I made a man with eyes of coal
   And a smile so bewitchin',
   How was I supposed to know
   That my mom was dead in the kitchen?
   (shakes bell) La lalala la la la la lalala la la...
 (Cut to later. Everyone is totally depressed by now.)
 Phoebe: (Sung)
 ...My mother's ashes
   Even her eyelashes
   Are resting in a little yellow jar,
   And sometimes when it's breezy...
 (Over the sound of Phoebe singing we hear two scientists, Max and David, having a noisy
 discussion)
 Phoebe: (Sung)
 ...I feel a little sneezy
   And now I- (abruptly stops)
 Excuse me, excuse me! Yeah, noisy boys! (They stop talking and look up) Is
 it something that you would like to share with the entire group?
 Max: No. No, that's- that's okay.
 Phoebe: Well, c'mon, if it's important enough to discuss while I'm playing, then
 I assume it's important enough for everyone else to hear!
 Chandler: (Quietly, to the others) That guy's going home with a note!
 David: Noth- I was- I was just saying to my-
 Phoebe: Could you speak up please?
 David: (Stands up and speaks more loudly) Sorry, I wa- I was just saying to my
 friend that I thought you were the most beautiful woman that I'd ever seen in my- in my
 life. And then he said that- you said you thought
 Max: Daryl Hannah.
 David: Daryl Hannah was the most beautiful woman that he'd ever seen in his life
 and I said yeah, I liked her in Splash, a lot, but not so much in- in Wall Street, I
 thought she had kind of a
 Max: Hard quality.
 David: -hard quality. And uh, while Daryl Hannah is beautiful in a conventional
 way, you are luminous with a kind of a delicate grace. Then, uh, that-that-that's when you
 started yelling. (Sits down)


Phoebe: Okay, we're gonna take a short break. (Goes over to their table)
 Joey: Hey, that guy's going home with more than a note!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Joey is decorating for Christmas.]
 Ross: Come here, Marcel. Sit here. (Marcel wanders off)
 Rachel: Pheebs, I can't believe he hasn't kissed you yet. I mean God, by my
 sixth date with Paolo, I mean he had already named both my breasts! ...Ooh. Did I just
 share too much?
 Ross: Just a smidge.
 Phoebe: David's like, y'know, Scientist Guy. He's very methodical.
 Monica: I think it's romantic.
 Phoebe: Me too! Oh! Did you ever see An Officer and a Gentleman?
 Rachel: Yeah!
 Phoebe: Well, he's kinda like the guy I went to see that with. Except, except
 he-he's smarter, and gentler, and sweeter... I just- I just wanna be with him all the
 time. Day and night, and night and day... and special occasions...
 Chandler: Wait a minute, wait a minute, I see where this is going, you're gonna
 ask him to New Year's, aren't you. You're gonna break the pact. She's gonna break the
 pact.
 Phoebe: No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, could I just?
 Chandler: Yeah, 'cause I already asked Janice.
 Monica: What?!
 Ross: C'mon, this was a pact! This was your pact!
 Chandler: I snapped, okay? I couldn't handle the pressure and I snapped.
 Monica: Yeah, but Janice? That-that was like the worst breakup in history!
 Chandler: I'm not saying it was a good idea, I'm saying I snapped!
 [Joey enters, his shoes have bells on, which jingle as he walks. He is wearing a long
 coat.]
 Joey: Hi. Hi, sorry I'm late.
 (He removes the coat to reveal an elf costume)
 Chandler: Too many jokes... must mock Joey!
 Joey: Nice shoes, huh? (He wiggles his foot and the bells tinkle)
 Chandler: Aah, y'killing me!
 (Marcel knocks over some kitchen tools)
 Monica: Ross! He's playing with my spatulas again!
 Ross: Okay, look, he's not gonna hurt them, right?
 Monica: Do you always have to bring him here?
 Ross: I didn't wanna leave him alone. Alright? We- we had our first fight this
 morning. I think it has to do with my working late. I said some things that I didn't mean,
 and he- he threw some faeces...
 Chandler: Y'know, if you're gonna work late, I could look in on him for you.
 Ross: Oh, that'd be great! Okay, but if you do, make sure it seems like you're
 there to see him, okay, and you're not like doing it as a favour to me.
 Chandler: Okay, but if he asks, I'm not going to lie.
 [Scene: Max and David's lab, David is explaining something to Phoebe with the aid of a
 whiteboard.]
 David: ...But, you can't actually test this theory, because today's particle
 accelerators are nowhere near powerful enough to simulate these conditions.
 Phoebe: Okay, alright, I have a question, then.
 David: Yuh.
 Phoebe: Um, were you planning on kissing me ever?
 David: Uh, that's definitely a, uh, valid question. And, uh, the answer would be
 (Writes YES on the board) yes. Yes I was. But, see, I wanted it to be this phenomenal kiss
 that happened at this phenomenal moment, because, well, 'cause it's you.
 Phoebe: Sure.
 David: Right. But, see, the longer I waited, the more phenomenal the kiss had to
 be, and now we've reached a place where it's just gotta be one of those things where I
 just like... sweep everything off the table and throw you down on it. And, uh, I'm not
 really a, uh, sweeping sorta fella.
 Phoebe: Oh, David, I, I think you are a sweeping sorta fella. I mean, you're a
 sweeper! ...trapped inside a physicist's body.
 David: Rrrreally.
 Phoebe: Oh, yeah, oh, I'm sure of it. You should just do it, just sweep and
 throw me.
 David: ...Now? Now?
 Phoebe: Oh yeah, right now.
 David: Okay, okay, okay. (Gets ready to sweep, and then picks up a laptop
 computer) Y'know what, this was just really expensive. (Puts it down elsewhere. Then picks
 up a microscope) And I'll take- this was a gift. (Moves it)
 Phoebe: Okay, now you're just kinda tidying.
 David: Okay, what the hell, what the hell. (Sweeps the remaining papers off the
 desk and grabs Phoebe) You want me to actually throw you or you-you wanna just hop?
 Phoebe: I can hop. (She hops onto the table)
 (They kiss, finally)
 [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]
 Ross: So tell me something. What does the phrase 'no date pact' mean to you?
 Monica: I'm sorry, okay. It's just that Chandler has somebody, and Phoebe has
 somebody- I thought I'd ask Fun Bobby.
 Chandler: Fun Bobby? Your ex-boyfriend Fun Bobby?
 Monica: Yeah.
 Joey: You know more than one Fun Bobby?
 Chandler: I happen to know a Fun Bob.
 Rachel: (Brings Joey a mug of coffee) Okay, here we go...


Joey: Ooh ooh ooh ooh, there's no room for milk!
 Rachel: (Glances at Joey and then sips his coffee) There. Now there is.
 Ross: Okay, so on our no-date evening, three of you now have dates.
 Joey: Uh, four.
 Ross: Four.
 Rachel: Five.
 Ross: Five. (Buries his head in his hands)
 Rachel: Sorry. Paolo's catching an earlier flight.
 Joey: Yeah, and I met this really hot single mom at the store. What's an elf to
 do?
 Ross: Okay, so I'm gonna be the only one standing there alone when the ball
 drops?
 Rachel: Oh, c'mon. We'll have, we'll have a big party, and no-one'll know who's
 with who.
 Ross: Hey, y'know, this is so not what I needed right now.
 Monica: What's the matter?
 Ross: Oh, it's-it's Marcel. He keeps shutting me out, y'know? He's walking
 around all the time dragging his hands...
 Chandler: That's so weird, I had such a blast with him the other night.
 Ross: Really.
 Chandler: Yeah, we played, we watched TV.. that juggling thing is amazing.
 Ross: What, uh... what juggling thing?
 Chandler: With the balled-up socks? I figured you taught him that.
 Ross: No.
 Chandler: Y'know, it wasn't that big a deal. He just balled up socks... and a
 melon...
 (Max runs in)
 Max: Phoebe. Hi.
 Phoebe: Oh, hi Max! Hey, do you know everybody?
 Max: No. Have you seen David?
 Phoebe: No, no, he hasn't been around.
 Max: Well, if you see him, tell him to pack his bags. We are going to Minsk.
 Phoebe: Minsk?
 Max: Minsk. It's in Russia.
 Phoebe: I know where Minsk is.
 Max: We got the grant. Three years, all expenses paid.
 Phoebe: So when, when do you leave?
 Max: January first.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Max and David's lab, they are working. Phoebe knocks on the door]
 Phoebe: Hello?
 David: Hey!
 Phoebe: Hi.
 David: Hi! (Kisses her) What-what're you doing here?
 Phoebe: Um, well, Max told me about Minsk, so (Puts on a fake cheery voice)
 congratulations! This is so exciting!
 Max: It'd be even more exciting if we were going.
 Phoebe: Oh, you're not going? (Fake disappointed voice) Oh, why?
 Max: Tell her, David. 'I don't wanna go to Minsk and work with Lifson and
 Yamaguchi and Flench, on nonononononono. I wanna stay here and make out with my
 girlfriend!!' (Storms out)
 David: Thank you, Max. Thank you.
 Phoebe: So-so you're really not going?
 David: I don't know. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I just- you decide.
 Phoebe: Oh don't do that.
 David: Please.
 Phoebe: Oh no no.
 David: No, but I'm asking-
 Phoebe: Oh, but I can't do that-
 David: No, but I can't-
 Phoebe: It's your thing, and-
 David: -make the decision-
 Phoebe: Okay, um, stay.
 David: Stay.
 Phoebe: Stay.
 (He thinks for a moment and sweeps the stuff off the table)
 Phoebe: Getting so good at that! (She hops on)
 David: It was Max's stuff. (They kiss)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the party has started.]
 Janice: I love this artichoke thing! Oh, don't tell me what's in it, the diet
 starts tomorrow! (Laughs her Janice laugh)
 Chandler: You remember Janice.
 Monica: Vividly.
 (Someone knocks on the door; Monica gets it)
 Monica: Hi.
 Sandy: Hi, I'm Sandy.
 Joey: Sandy! Hi! C'mon in! (She enters, followed by a young boy and a younger
 girl)...You brought your kids.
 Sandy: Yeah. That's okay, right?
 (Joey and Monica look at each other and shrug. Ross enters with Marcel on his shoulder)
 Ross: Par-tay!
 Monica: That thing is not coming in here.
 Ross: 'That thing'? This is how you greet guests at a party? Let me ask you
 something, if I showed up here with my new girlfriend, she wouldn't be welcome in your
 home?
 Monica: I'm guessing your new girlfriend wouldn't urinate on my coffee table.
 Ross: Okay. He was more embarrassed about that than anyone. Okay? And for him to
 have the courage to walk back in here like nothing happened...
 Monica: Alright. Just keep him away from me.
 Ross: Thank you. (She walks off) C'mon, Marcel, whaddya say you and I do a
 little mingling? (Marcel runs off) Alright, I'll, uh... catch up with you later.
 (The door opens. Rachel is standing there. Her coat is muddy and torn, her hair is
 dishevelled and her face is bruised. Everyone turns to look)
 Monica: Oh my gosh! Rachel, honey.. are you okay? Where-where's Paolo?
 Rachel: Rome. Jerk missed his flight.
 Phoebe: And then... your face is bloated?
 Rachel: No. Okay. I was at the airport, getting into a cab, when this woman-
 this blonde planet with a pocketbook- starts yelling at me. Something about how it was her
 cab first. And then the next thing I know she just starts- starts pulling me out by my
 hair! So I'm blowing my attack whistle thingy and three more cabs show up, and as I'm
 going to get into a cab she tackles me. And I hit my head on the kerb and cut my lip on my
 whistle...oh...everybody having fun at the party? (To Monica) Are people eating my dip?
 [Time lapse. Monica and Rachel, fixed up somewhat, emerge from a bedroom]
 Sandy: Y'know, when I saw you at the store last week, it was probably the first
 time I ever mentally undressed an elf.


Joey: Wow, that's, uh, dirty.
 Sandy: Yeah.
 (They almost kiss and then Joey realises her kids are staring at them)
 Joey: Hey, kids...
 Ross: (Watching Marcel play with Phoebe. To Chandler) Look at him. I'm not
 saying he has to spend the whole evening with me, but at least check in.
 Janice: (Startles them) There you are! Haaah, you got away from me!
 Chandler: (Imitating) But you found me!
 Janice: Here, Ross, take our picture. (Hands him a camera and he starts
 snapping) Smile! You're on Janice Camera!
 Chandler: Kill me. Kill me now.
 (Someone else knocks on the door. Monica looks through the spyhole)
 Monica: Hey everybody! It's Fun Bobby!
 (Everyone cheers. Monica opens the door. Bobby is obviously very depressed)
 Fun Bobby: Hey, sorry I'm late. But my, uh, grandfather, he- died about two
 hours ago. But I-I-I couldn't get a flight out 'til tomorrow, so here I am!
 Joey: (Approaching) Hey Fun Bobby! Whoah! Who died?
 (Monica gestures wildly behind Fun Bobby's back)
 [Time lapse. Bobby is talking about his grandfather. Everyone else is virtually in
 tears]
 Fun Bobby: It's gonna be an open casket, y'know, so at least I'll- I get to see
 him again.
 Janice: (Ross is still taking their photo) Oh, I'm gonna blow this one up, and
 I'm gonna write 'Reunited' in glitter.
 Chandler: Alright, Janice, that's it! Janice... Janice... Hey, Janice, when I
 invited you to this party I didn't necessarily think that it meant that we-
 Janice: Oh, no. Oh, no.
 Chandler: I'm sorry you misunderstood...
 Janice: Oh my God. You listen to me, Chandler, you listen to me. One of these
 times is just gonna be your last chance with me. (She runs off)
 (Ross is still taking photos)
 Chandler: Oh, will you give me the thing. (Snatches the camera)
 (David is feeding Phoebe popcorn. Max walks up)
 Phoebe: Hi, Max!
 Max: Yoko. (To David) I've decided to go to Minsk without you.
 David: Wow.
 Max: It won't be the same- but it'll still be Minsk. Happy New Year.(Walks off)
 Phoebe: Are you alright?
 David: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.
 (Phoebe leads David into a bedroom)
 Phoebe: You're going to Minsk.
 David: No, I'm... not going to Minsk.
 Phoebe: Oh, you are so going to Minsk. You belong in Minsk. You can't stay here
 just 'cause of me.
 David: Yes I can. Because if I go it means I have to break up with you, and I
 can't break up with you.
 Phoebe: Oh yes, yes, yes you can. Just say, um, 'Phoebe, my work is my life and
 that's what I have to do right now'. And I say 'your work?! Your work?! How can you say
 that?!'. And then you say, um, 'it's tearing me apart, but I have no choice. Can't you
 understand that?'. And I say (Hits him) 'no! No! I can't understand that!'.
 David: Uh, ow.
 Phoebe: Ooh, sorry. Um, and, and then you put your arms around me. And then you
 put your arms around me. (He does so) And, um, and then you tell me that you love me and
 you'll never forget me.
 David: I'll never forget you.
 Phoebe: And then you say that it's almost midnight and you have to go because
 you don't wanna start the new year with me if you can't finish it. (They kiss) I'm gonna
 miss you. You scientist guy.
 Dick Clark: (on TV) Hi, this is Dick Clark, live in Times Square. We're in a
 virtual snowstorm of confetti here in Times Square...
 (Joey puts a blanket over Sandy's kids)
 Joey: There y'go, kids.
 Chandler: (To a woman who he has clearly just met) And then the peacock bit me.
 (Laughs) Please kiss me at midnight. (She leaves)
 Joey: You seen Sandy?
 Chandler: Ooh. Uh, I don't know how to tell you this, but she's in Monica's
 bedroom, getting it on with Max, that scientist geek. Ooh, look at that, I did know how to
 tell you.
 Rachel: Vrrbddy, the bll is drrbing.
 All: (in the kitchen) What?
 Rachel: The bll is drrbing!
 Dick Clark: (on TV) In twenty seconds it'll be midnight...
 Chandler: And the moment of joy is upon us.
 Joey: Looks like that no date pact thing worked out.
 Phoebe: Everybody looks so happy. I hate that.
 Monica: Not everybody's happy. Hey Bobby!
 (Bobby waves and then bursts into tears. Midnight comes and everyone at the party
 except for the gang cheers and kisses)
 Chandler: Y'know, I uh.. just thought I'd throw this out here. I'm no math whiz,
 but I do believe there are three girls and three guys right here. (Makes kiss noise)
 Phoebe: I dunno. I don't feel like kissing anyone tonight.
 Rachel: I can't kiss anyone.
 Monica: So I'm kissing everyone?
 Joey: Nonono, you can't kiss Ross, that's your brother.
 Ross: Perfect. Perfect. So now everybody's getting kissed but me.


 The One With Mrs. Bing
 The One With Mrs. Bing
 Written by: Alexa Junge
 Transcribed by: guineapig
 [Scene: A Street: Monica and Phoebe are walking to a newsstand.]
 Phoebe: Do you think they have yesterday's daily news?
 Monica: Why?
 Phoebe: Just wanna check my horoscope, see if it was right.
 Monica: Oh my God. (Grabs Phoebe and turns her away) Phoebe. Don't look now, but
 behind us is a guy who has the potential to break our hearts and plunge us into a pit of
 depression.
 Phoebe: Where? (Turns to face him) Ooh, come to Momma.
 Monica: He's coming. Be cool, be cool, be cool.
 (The guy walks past them)
 Guy: Nice hat.
 Monica and Phoebe: (in unison) Thanks.
 (The guy walks on)
 Phoebe: We should do something. Whistle.
 Monica: We are not going to whistle.
 Phoebe: Come on, do it.
 Monica: No!
 Phoebe: Do it!
 Monica: No!
 Phoebe: Do it do it do it!
 Monica: (Shouts to the guy) Woo-woo!
 (The guy turns round, startled. Monica points to Phoebe. The guy gets hit by a truck)
 Phoebe: I can't believe you did that!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Hospital, the guy is in a coma and Mon and Pheebs are visiting.]
 Monica: Why did I 'woo-hoo'? I mean, what was I hoping would happen? That-that
 he'd turn round and say 'I love that sound, I must have you now'?
 Phoebe: I just wish there was something we could do. (Bends down and talks to
 him) Hello. Hello, Coma Guy. GET UP, YOU GIRL SCOUT! UP! UP! UP!
 Monica: Phoebe, what are you doing?
 Phoebe: Maybe nobody's tried this.
 Monica: I wish we at least knew his name... Look at that face. I mean, even
 sleeping, he looks smart. I bet he's a lawyer.
 Phoebe: Yeah, but did you see the dents in his knuckles? That means he's
 artistic.
 Monica: Okay, he's a lawyer, who teaches sculpting on the side. And- he can
 dance!
 Phoebe: Oh! And, he's the kinda guy who, when you're talking, he's listening,
 y'know, and not saying 'Yeah, I understand' but really wondering what you look like naked.
 Monica: I wish all guys could be like him.
 Phoebe: I know.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe are telling everyone about their coma
 guy.]
 Chandler: Are there no conscious men in the city for you two?
 Monica: He doesn't have anyone.
 Phoebe: Yeah, we-we feel kinda responsible.
 Joey: I can't believe you said woowoo. I don't even say woowoo.
 Rachel: Oh, she's coming up! She's coming up! (Turns on the TV)
 Jay Leno: (on TV) Folks, when we come back we'll be talking about her new book,
 'Euphoria Unbound': the always interesting Nora Tyler Bing. You might wanna put the kids
 to bed for this one.
 (Everyone has settled down to watch, except Chandler)
 Chandler: Y'know, we don't have to watch this. Weekend At Bernie's is
 on Showtime, HBO, and Cinemax.
 Rachel: No way, forget it.
 Joey: C'mon, she's your mom!
 Chandler: Exactly. Weekend At Bernie's! Dead guy getting hit in the
 groin twenty, thirty times! No?
 Rachel: Chandler, I gotta tell you, I love your mom's books! I love her books! I
 cannot get on a plane without one! I mean, this is so cool!
 Chandler: Yeah, well, you wouldn't think it was cool if you're eleven years old
 and all your friends are passing around page 79 of 'Mistress Bitch.'
 Ross: C'mon, Chandler, I love your mom. I think she's a blast.
 Chandler: You can say that because she's not your mom.
 Ross: Oh, please...
 (Rachel opens the door to Paolo)
 Paolo: Bona sera.
 Rachel: Oh, hi sweetie. (They kiss)
 Ross: When did Rigatoni get back from Rome?
 Monica: Last night.
 Ross: Ah, so then his plane didn't explode in a big ball of fire?... Just a
 dream I had- but, phew.
 Phoebe: Hey hey hey! She's on!
 Paolo: Ah! Nora Bing!
 Jay Leno: (on TV) ...Now what is this about you-you being arrested i-in London?
 What is that all about?
 Phoebe: Your mom was arrested?
 Chandler: Shhh, busy beaming with pride.
 Mrs. Bing: (on TV) ...This is kind of embarrassing, but occasionally after I've
 been intimate with a man...
 Chandler: Now why would she say that's embarrassing?
 All: Shhh.
 Mrs. Bing: (on TV) ...I just get this craving for Kung Pow Chicken.
 Chandler: THAT'S TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!
 Jay Leno: (on TV) Alright, so now you're doing this whole book tour thing, how
 is that going?
 Mrs. Bing: (on TV) Oh, fine. I'm leaving for New York tomorrow, which I hate-
 but I get to see my son, who I love...
 All: Awww!
 Chandler: This is the way that I find out. Most moms use the phone.
 Jay Leno: (on TV) Y'know, don't take this wrong, I-I just don't see you a-as a
 mom, somehow.. I don't mean that, I don't mean that bad...
 Mrs. Bing: (on TV) Oh no, I am a fabulous mom! I bought my son his first
 condoms.
 (The gang turn to look at Chandler)


Chandler: ...And then he burst into flames.
 [Scene: The Hospital, it's a montage of Monica and Phoebe's visit to the hospital with My
 Guy playing in the background. It starts with Monica reading a newspaper to
 him.]
 Monica: Let's see. Congress is debating a new deficit reduction bill... the
 mayor wants to raise subway fares again... the high today was forty-five... and- oh, teams
 played sports.
 [Next is a shot of them dragging an enormous plant into the room, then Monica knitting
 a sweater, then Phoebe singing, then Phoebe shaving him and chatting to Monica]
 Phoebe: What about Glen? He could be a Glen.
 Monica: Nah... not-not special enough.
 Phoebe: Ooh! How about Agamemnon?
 Monica: Waaay too special.
 [Scene: A Mexican Restaurant, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler and his mom are there.]
 Mrs. Bing: I am famished. What do I want... (Looks at Chandler's menu)
 Chandler: Please God don't let it be Kung Pow Chicken.
 Mrs. Bing: Oh, you watched the show! What'd you think?
 Chandler: Well, I think you need to come out of your shell just a little.
 Ross: (Entering) What is this dive? Only you could've picked this place.
 Mrs. Bing: Oooh, c'mon, shut up, it's fun. Gimme a hug. (They both sit down)
 Well, I think we're ready for some tequila.
 Chandler: I know I am.
 Mrs. Bing: Who's doing shots?
 Monica: Yeah.
 Phoebe: I'm in.
 Mrs. Bing: There y'go. Ross?
 Ross: Uh, I'm not really a shot drinking kinda guy.
 (Enter Rachel and Paolo. They are both somewhat flustered)
 Rachel: Hi! Sorry- sorry we're late, we, uh, kinda just, y'know, lost track of
 time.
 Ross: ...But a man can change. (Downs a shot)
 [Time lapse. Ross is now clearly drunk. He is holding up a shot glass to his eye like a
 jeweller's eye.]
 Ross: Anyone want me to appraise anything?
 (Rachel feeds something to Paolo. He eats it and licks her hand)
 Rachel: Mrs. Bing, I have to tell you, I've read everything you've ever written.
 No, I mean it! I mean, when I read Euphoria at Midnight, all I wanted to do was become a
 writer.
 Mrs. Bing: Oh, please, honey, listen, if I can do it, anybody can. You just
 start with half a dozen European cities, throw in thirty euphemisms for male genitalia,
 and bam! You have got yourself a book.
 Chandler: Myyy mother, ladies and gentlemen.
 [Cut to Mrs. Bing on the telephone.]
 Mrs. Bing: Yeah, any messages for room 226?
 (Ross emerges from a toilet marked 'Chicas')
 Mrs. Bing: You okay there, slugger?
 Ross: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. (A woman emerges from the toilet behind him and
 he tries to pretend he was in the other one)
 Mrs. Bing: What is with you tonight?
 Ross: Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing.
 Mrs. Bing: (To phone) Okay, thank you. (To Ross) It's the Italian Hand-Licker,
 isn't it.
 Ross: No. It's the one he's licking.
 Mrs. Bing: She's supposed to be with you.
 Ross: You're good.
 Mrs. Bing: Oh, Ross, listen to me. I have sold a hundred million copies of my
 books, and y'know why?
 Ross: The girl on the cover with her nipples showing?
 Mrs. Bing: No. Because I know how to write men that women fall in love with.
 Believe me, I cannot sell a Paolo. People will not turn three hundred twenty-five pages
 for a Paolo. C'mon, the guy's a secondary character, a, y'know, complication you
 eventually kill off.
 Ross: When?
 Mrs. Bing: He's not a hero. ...You know who our hero is.
 Ross: The guy on the cover with his nipples showing?
 Mrs. Bing: No, it's you!
 Ross: Please.
 Mrs. Bing: No, really, c'mon. You're smart, you're sexy...
 Ross: Right.
 Mrs. Bing: You are gonna be fine, believe me.
 (She kisses him on the cheek)
 Ross: Uh-oh...
 (...Then full on the mouth)
 (Enter Joey)
 Joey: Uhhhh.... I'll just pee in the street.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the next morning. Joey is getting the door in his dressing
 gown it's Ross.]
 Ross: Hey, is Chandler here?
 Joey: Yeah.
 (Ross drags Joey into the hall and slams the door)
 Ross: Okay, uh, about last night, um, Chandler.. you didn't tell... (Joey shakes
 his head) Okay, 'cause I'm thinking- we don't need to tell Chandler, I mean, it was just a
 kiss, right? One kiss? No big deal? Right?
 Joey: Right. No big deal.
 Ross: Okay.
 Joey: In Bizarro World!! You broke the code!
 Ross: What code?
 Joey: You don't kiss your friend's mom! Sisters are okay, maybe a hot-lookin'
 aunt... but not a mom, never a mom!
 (Chandler opens the door and startles them. He picks up the paper)
 Chandler: What are you guys doing out here?
 Ross: Uh.. uh.. Well, Joey and I had discussed getting in an early morning
 racquetball game. But, um, apparently, somebody overslept.
 Joey: Yeah, well, you don't have your racket.


Ross: No, no I don't, because it's being restrung, somebody was supposed to
 bring me one.
 Joey: Yeah, well you didn't call and leave your grip size.
 Chandler: Okay, you guys spend waaaay too much time together. (Goes back inside
 and shuts the door)
 Ross: Okay, I'm scum, I'm scum.
 Joey: Ross, how could you let this happen?
 Ross: I don't know, God, I... well, it's not like she's a regular mom, y'know?
 She's, she's sexy, she's...
 Joey: You don't think my mom's sexy?
 Ross: Well... not in the same way...
 Joey: I'll have you know that Gloria Tribbiani was a handsome woman in her day,
 alright? You think it's easy giving birth to seven children?
 Ross: Okay, I think we're getting into a weird area here...
 (Monica and Rachel's door opens and Rachel and Paolo emerge)
 Rachel: Hey.
 Ross: Hey.
 Rachel: What're you guys doing out here?
 Ross: Well, not playing raquetball!
 Joey: He forgot to leave his grip size!
 Ross: He didn't get the goggles!
 Rachel: Well,sounds like you two have issues.
 (She and Paolo walk a little way down the hall)
 Rachel: Goodbye, baby.
 Paolo: Ciao, bela.
 (They kiss. Ross is watching them)
 Ross: Do they wait for me to do this?
 (Joey and Ross go into Monica and Rachel's apartment)
 Joey: So are you gonna tell him?
 Ross: Why would I tell him?
 Joey: How about 'cause if you don't, his mother might.
 Ross: Oh...
 Monica: (Entering) What are you guys doing here?
 Joey: Uhhhh.... he's not even wearing a jockstrap!
 Monica: ...What did I ask?
 [Scene: Hospital. Phoebe is there stroking Coma Guy's hair, when Monica enters with a
 bunch of balloons.]
 Monica: Hi.
 Phoebe: Hi.
 Monica: What are you doing here?
 Phoebe: Nothing, I just thought I'd stop by.. y'know, after the uh... that I..
 y'know, so what are you doing here?
 Monica: I'm not really here. Just thought I'd drop these off...on the way.. my
 way... Do you come here a lot? Without me?
 Phoebe: No. (Monica brushes Coma Guy's hair in the other direction) No! No!
 ...So, um, do you think he's doing any better than he was this morning?
 Monica: How would I know? I-I wasn't here.
 Phoebe: Really? Not even to, um, change his PAJAMAS?! (Whips back the sheet to
 reveal him wearing new pajamas.)
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is talking to Chandler. Joey is making a snack at the
 bar.]
 Chandler: Oh my God.
 Ross: You're my friend. I-I had to tell you.
 Chandler: I can't believe it. Paolo kissed my mom?
 Ross: Yeah, um, I don't know if you noticed, but he had a lot to drink, and you
 know how he gets when he's drun..uh... (He has caught sight of Joey scowling at him) I
 can't do this, I did it, it was me, I'm sorry, I kissed your mom.
 Chandler: What?
 Ross: I was really upset about Rachel and Paolo, and I think I had too much
 tequila, and Nora- um, Mrs. Mom- your Bing- was just being nice, y'know, and- But nothing
 happened, nothing- Ask Joey, Joey, uh, came in-
 Chandler: (To Joey) You knew about this?
 Joey: Uh... y'know, knowledge is a tricky thing.
 Chandler: I spent the entire day with you, why didn't you tell me?!
 Joey: Hey, hey, hey, you're lucky I caught them when I did, or else who knows
 what woulda happened.
 Ross: Thanks, man, big help.
 Chandler: (To Ross) I can't believe this! What the hell were you thinking?
 Ross: I wasn't- I mean, I-
 Chandler: Y'know, of all my friends, no-one knows the crap I go through with my
 mom more than you.
 Ross: I know-
 Chandler: I can't believe you did this. (Walks toward the door)
 Ross: Chandler-
 Joey: Me neither, y'know what-
 Chandler: I'm still mad at you for not telling me.
 Joey: What are you mad at me for?!
 Ross: Chandler-
 Chandler: You gotta let me slam the door! (Leaves; slams the door)
 Joey: (Shouting after him) Chandler, I didn't kiss her, he did! (To Ross) See
 what happens when you break the code?
 Ross: Joey-
 Joey: Ah! (Points to door) Huh? (Leaves and slams the door)
 [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except for Chandler. Rachel is writing
 something and Monica walks up.]
 Monica: Hey.
 Rachel: Hey.
 Monica: (Reading) 'A Woman Undone, by Rachel Karen Green'.
 Rachel: Yeah. Thought I'd give it a shot. I'm still on the first chapter. Now,
 do you think his 'love stick can be liberated from its denim prison'?
 Monica: (Reads) Yeah, I'd say so. And there's no 'j' in 'engorged'.
 Phoebe: (Walks up with her guitar) Hey Rach.
 Rachel: Hey.
 Phoebe: Hello.
 Monica: Hello.
 Phoebe: Going to the hospital tonight?
 Monica: No, you?
 Phoebe: No, you?
 Monica: You just asked me.
 Phoebe: Okay, maybe it was a trick question. (Plays a few chords) Um, Rachel can
 we do this now?


Rachel: Okay. (Writes a little more) I am so hot!
 Joey: (To Ross, on the couch) Now, here's a picture of my mother and father on
 their wedding day. Now you tell me she's not a knockout.
 Ross: I cannot believe we're having this conversation.
 Joey: C'mon! Just try to picture her not pregnant, that's all.
 Rachel: (Into microphone) Central Perk is proud to present Miss Phoebe Buffay.
 Phoebe: Thanks. Hi, um, 'kay. I'd like to start with a song that's about a man
 that I recently met, who's, um, come to be very important to me. (Monica gives her a look)
 'Kay. (Sung:)
 You don't have to be awake to be my man,
   As long as you have brainwaves I'll be there to hold your hand.
   Though we just met the other day,
   There's something I have got to say...
 (She sees Monica sneaking out) Okay, thank you very much, I'm gonna take a
 short break! (Runs out, knocking over the mike stand)
 Rachel: (Into mike) Okay, that was Phoebe Buffay, everybody. Woo!
 (Enter Chandler)
 Chandler: What was that?
 Ross: Oh, uh, Phoebe just started a...
 Chandler: Yeah, I believe I was talking to Joey, alright there, Mother-Kisser?
 (Goes to the counter)
 Joey: (Laughing) Mother-Kisser... (Sees Ross's look) I'll shut up.
 Ross: Chandler, can I just say something? I-I know you're still mad at me, I
 just wanna say that there were two people there that night. Okay? Two sets of lips.
 Chandler: Yes, well, I expect this from her. Okay? She's always been a Freudian
 nightmare.
 Ross: Okay, well, if she always behaves like this, why don't you say something?
 Chandler: Because it's complicated, it's complex- Hey, you kissed my mom!
 (People turn to look)
 Ross: (To the rest of Central Perk) We're rehearsing a Greek play.
 Chandler: That's very funny. We done now?
 Ross: No! Okay, you mean, you're not gonna talk to her, you're not gonna tell
 her how you feel?
 Chandler: That would be no. Look, just because you played tonsil tennis with my
 mom doesn't mean you know her. Alright? Trust me, you can't talk to her.
 Ross: Okay, 'you' can't, or (Points to Chandler) you can't? (Chandler grabs his
 finger) Okay, that's my finger. (Chandler twists it and Ross goes down on one knee)
 That's, that's my knee. (To Central Perk) Still doing the play. Aaah!
 [Scene: The Coma Guy's Room, Monica bursts in, closely followed by Phoebe. There is no
 sign of Coma Guy. His bed is empty.]
 Phoebe: Alright, whadyou do with him?
 (There is the sound of a flushing toilet and Coma Guy emerges from the bathroom)
 Monica: Oh! You're awake!
 Phoebe: Look at you! How, how do you feel?
 Coma Guy: Uh, a little woozy, but basically okay.
 Monica: You look good!
 Coma Guy: I feel good! ...Who are you?
 Monica: Oh, sorry.
 Phoebe: I'm Phoebe Buffay.
 Monica: I'm Monica Geller. I've been taking care of you.
 Phoebe: Well, we both have.
 Coma Guy: So, the Etch-a-Sketch is from you guys?
 Phoebe: Well, actually it's just from me.
 Monica: I got you the foot massager.
 Phoebe: You know who shaved you? That was me.
 Monica: I read to you.
 Phoebe: I sang. (To Monica) Hah!
 Coma Guy: Well,... thanks.
 Monica: Oh, my pleasure.
 Phoebe: You're welcome.
 Coma Guy: So. I guess I'll see you around.
 Phoebe: What, that's it?
 Monica: 'See you around?'
 Coma Guy: Well, what do you want me to say?
 Monica: Oh, I don't know. Maybe, um, 'That was nice?' Admit something
 to me? 'I'll call you?'
 Coma Guy: Alright, I'll call you.
 Phoebe: I don't think you mean that.
 Monica: This is so typical. Y'know, we give, and we give, and we give. And then-
 we just get nothing back! And then one day, y'know, it's just, you wake up, and 'See
 you around!' Let's go, Phoebe.
 Phoebe: Y'know what? We thought you were different. But I guess it was just the
 coma.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's Chandler is talking with his mom.]
 Mrs. Bing: Car's waiting downstairs, I just wanted to drop off these copies of
 my book for your friends. Anything you want from Lisbon?
 Chandler: No, just knowing you're gonna be there is enough.
 Mrs. Bing: Alright, well, be good, I love you. (Kisses him and goes to leave)
 Chandler: You kissed my best Ross! ...Or something to that effect.
 Mrs. Bing: (Reentering) O-kay. Look, it, it was stupid.
 Chandler: Really stupid.
 Mrs. Bing: Really stupid. And I don't even know how it happened. I'm sorry,
 honey, I promise it will never happen again. Are we okay now?
 Chandler: Yeah. No. No...
 [Cut to the hallway, Joey is listening to Chandler and his mom's conversation through
 the door as Ross walks up.]
 Ross: Ah, the forbidden love of a man and his door.


 The One With the Dozen Lasagnas
 The One With the Dozen Lasagnas
 Written by: Jeffrey Astrof, Mike Sikowitz, Adam Chase & Ira
 Ungerleider
 Transcribed by: Jim & Tracy Lambers
 With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein
 [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there. Ross working on
 crossword puzzle, starts humming theme from The Odd Couple. Chandler joins in,
 followed by Monica and Phoebe, then the whole gang. Ross starts humming theme from I
 Dream Of Jeannie.]
 Chandler: No-no-no-no, we're done.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the phone in the kitchen.]
 Monica: Aunt Syl, stop yelling! All I'm saying is that if you had told
 me vegetarian lasagna, I would have made vegetarian lasagna. (pauses, listens to person on
 phone) Well, the meat's only every third layer, maybe you could scrape.
 (Camera moves to Chandler, Phoebe, Ross, and Joey sitting in living room)
 Joey: Ross, did you really read all these baby books?
 Ross: Yup! You could plunk me down in the middle of any woman's uterus, no
 compass, and I can find my way out of there like that! (snaps fingers)
 Phoebe: Ooh, this is cool...it says in some parts of the world, people actually
 eat the placenta. (Joey grimaces)
 Chandler: And, we're done with the yogurt. (Sets yogurt down on table)
 Phoebe: (softly) Sorry. (Camera pans back to Monica, still on phone)
 Monica: Aunt Syl, I did this as a favor, I am not a caterer. What do you want me
 to do with a dozen lasagnas? (listens to Aunt Syl on phone, looks shocked) Nice talk, Aunt
 Syl. (in New York accent) You kiss Uncle Freddie with that mouth?
 (Camera pans back to group in living room)
 Joey: Hey Ross, listen, you know that right now, your baby's only this big?
 (measures about 2 inches with his thumb and index finger) This is your baby. (in baby-like
 voice) Hi Daddy!
 Ross: (waves) Hello!
 Joey: (in baby-like voice) How come you don't live with Mommy? (pause;
 shows Ross less than amused) How come Mommy lives with that other lady? (pause; Ross still
 looks less than amused; Joey smiling) What's a lesbian? (playfully hits Ross)
 (Rachel enters with Paolo, speaking Italian. Ross looks annoyed)
 Rachel: Honey, you can say it, Poconos, Poconos, it's like Poc-o-nos (touching
 Paolo's nose with forefinger with each syllable)
 Paolo: Ah, poke (Paolo touches Rachel's nose) a (touches nose again)
 nose, mmm (they rub noses, then kisses her)
 Joey, Chandler, and Ross: (sitting in living room, imitating Paolo)
 Mma, Mma, Mmaah
 (Camera pans to Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe in the kitchen)
 Monica: So, did I hear Poconos?
 Rachel: Yes, my sister's giving us her place for the weekend.
 Phoebe: Woo-hoo, first weekend away together!
 Monica: Yeah, that's a big step.
 Rachel: I know...
 (Camera pans to Ross, looking dejected)
 Chandler: (to Ross) Ah, it's just a weekend, big deal!
 Ross: Wasn't this supposed to be just a fling, huh? Shouldn't it be...(makes
 flinging motions with hands) flung by now?
 (Camera pans back to Rachel)
 Rachel: I mean, we are way past the fling thing, I mean, I am feeling things
 that I've only read about in Danielle Steele books, you know? I mean, when I'm with him,
 I'm totally, totally...
 (Camera pans to Ross, holding his stomach)
 Ross: ...nauseous, I'm physically nauseous. What am I supposed to do, huh? Call
 immigration? (pauses, looks suddenly inspired) I could call immigration!
 [Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Joey leaving girls' apartment, carrying lasagna.]
 Joey: I love babies, with their little baby shoes, and their little baby toes,
 and their little baby hands...
 Chandler: Ok, you're going to have to stop that, forever!
 (Joey opens door, throws keys on kitchen table, table falls over)
 Joey: Need a new table.
 Chandler: You think?
 [Scene: Carol and Susan's, there's a knock on the door and Carol answers it to Ross.]
 Carol: Hey hey, come on in!
 (Ross enters, carrying lasagna)
 Ross: Hey, hello! mmwa! (kisses Carol) I brought all the books, and Monica sends
 her love, along with this lasagna.
 Carol: Oh great! Is it vegetarian, 'cause Susan doesn't eat meat.
 Ross: (pauses) I'm pretty sure that it is...
 Carol: So, I got the results of the amnio today.
 Ross: (making flinging gestures with hands) Oh, tell me, tell me, is
 everything, uhh....?
 Carol: Totally and completely healthy!
 Ross: Oh, that's great, that is great! (Hugs and kisses Carol. Then picks up a
 picture frame)
 Ross: Hey, when did you and Susan meet Huey Lewis?
 Carol: Uh, that's our friend Tanya.
 Ross: (surprised, chuckling nervously) Of course it's your friend
 Tanya. (looks up frightenedly)
 Carol: Don't you want to know about the sex?
 Ross: (chuckles nervously) The sex? (chuckles) Um, I'm having enough
 trouble with the image of you and Susan together, when you throw in Tanya (miming washing
 hair, that's the best I could think of), yaw...
 Carol: The sex of the baby, Ross.


Ross: Oh, you know the sex of the baby? Oh, oh-oh-oh!
 Carol: Do you want to know?
 Ross: No, no, no, no, no, I don't want to know, absolutely not. I think, you
 know, I think you should know until you look down there, and say, oop, there it is!
 (pauses) Or isn't...
 (Susan enters)
 Susan: Oh, hello Ross!
 Ross: Susan...
 Susan: So, so, did you hear?
 Ross: Yes, we did, everything's A-OK!
 Susan: Oh, that's so... (Susan hugs Carol, they giggle, Ross steps away) It
 really is...do we know...?
 Carol: Yes, we certainly do, it's going to be...
 Ross: (flailing arms in protest) Oh, hey hey hey, ho ho ho, hello, guy
 who doesn't want to know, standing right here!
 Susan: Oh, well, is it what we thought it would be?
 Carol: Mm-hmmm (Susan and Carol hug, giggling. Ross stands back, reaches out and
 lightly taps Susan's shoulder)
 Ross: Ok, what, what...ok, what did we think it was going to be?
 Carol and Susan: It's a...
 Ross: (interrupts) No, no, no I don't want to know, don't want to
 know. Ok, you know, I should probably, I should probably just go.
 Carol: Well, thanks for the books.
 Ross: No problem, ok, mmmwa (kisses Carol) oh, mmmwa (kisses Carol's stomach,
 then punches Susan's shoulder) Susan... (Ross leaves.)
 Susan: All right, who should we call first, your folks, or Deb and Rona?
 (intercom buzzer rings)
 Carol: Hello?
 Ross: (on intercom) Uh, never mind, I don't want to know. (Carol and
 Susan laugh)
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler use their knees as a table to
 support the lasagna.]
 Chandler: Ok, so it's just because it was my table, I have to buy a new one?
 Joey: That's the rule.
 Chandler: What rule? There's no rule, if anything, you owe me a table!
 Joey: How'd you get to that?
 Chandler: Well, I believe the piece of furniture was fine until your little
 breakfast adventure with Angela Delvecchio
 Joey: You knew about that?
 Chandler: Well, let's just say the impressions you made in the butter left
 little to the imagination.
 Joey: Ok, ok, How about if we split it?
 Chandler: What do you mean, like, buy it together?
 Joey: Yeah
 Chandler: You think we're ready for something like that?
 Joey: Why not?
 Chandler: Well, it's a pretty big commitment, I mean, what if one of us wants to
 move out?
 Joey: Why, are you moving out?
 Chandler: I'm not moving out.
 Joey: You'd tell me if you were moving out right
 Chandler: Yeah, yeah, it's just that with my last roommate Kip...
 Joey: Aw, I know all about Kip!
 Chandler: It's just that we bought a hibachi together, and then he ran off and
 got married, and things got pretty ugly.
 Joey: Well, let me ask you something, was Kip a better roommate than me?
 Chandler: Aw, don't do that
 [Scene: Phoebe's Massage Parlor, Phoebe's assistant is telling her about the changes to
 her schedule.]
 Phoebe's Assistant: We've got a couple changes in your schedule. Your
 4:00 herbal massage has been pushed back to 4:30 and Miss Somerfield canceled her 5:30
 shiatsu.
 Phoebe: Ok, thanks. (assistant leaves, then walks back in)
 Phoebe's Assistant: Oh, here comes your 3:00. I don't mean to sound
 unprofessional, but, yum (walks out, Paolo enters)
 Paolo: Buon Giorno, Bella Phoebe!
 Phoebe: Oh, Paolo, hi, what are you doing here?
 Paolo: Uh, Racquela tell me you massage, eh?
 Phoebe: Well, Racquela's right, yeah!
 (Paolo speaks Italian)
 Phoebe: Oh, okay, I don't know what you just said, so let's get started.
 Paolo: Uh, I am, uh, being naked?
 Phoebe: Um, that's really your decision, I mean, some people prefer, you know,
 to take off...oh whoops! You're being naked!
 [Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe is there.]
 Rachel: (to Ross) I can't believe you don't want to know. I mean, I
 couldn't not know, I mean, if, if the doctor knows, and Carol knows, and Susan knows....
 Monica: And Monica knows...
 Ross: Wha, heh, how could you know, I don't even know!
 Monica: Carol called me to thank me for the lasagna, I asked, she told me.
 Joey: So what's it gonna be? (Monica whispers in Joey's ear. Ross gets up and
 waves arms frantically in protest)
 Ross: Wait oh hey huh, oh great now he knows, and I don't know!
 Monica: I'm sorry, I'm just excited about being an aunt!
 Joey: Or an uncle...
 (Phoebe enters)
 Joey and Chandler: Hey Phoebe!
 Ross: Hi Pheebs!
 Rachel: Pheebs!
 Phoebe: Fine!
 Monica: Phoebe, what's the matter?
 Phoebe: Nothing, I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm out of sorts.
 Customer: Hey, can we get some cappuccino over here?
 Rachel: Oh, right, that's me!
 Joey: Hey, Chandler, that table place closes at 7, come on.
 Chandler: Fine. (Joey and Chandler walk towards the door)
 Monica: Phoebe, what is it?