Rachel: All right, fine! But I had too! I had to do it for my career!
 Chandler: I wish I had smoked for my career
 Monica: That's so gross!
 Rachel: No well, no it's not that bad, y'know? I mean yeah, my tongue feels a
 little fuzzy and these fingers sort of smell, I actually feel like I can throw up.
 Chandler: Okay, but you gotta push past this because it is about to get so good!
 Monica: Chandler! I have to tell you, you smell so smokey I have to get up. I'm
 not kidding. (She's not; she stands and walks away. Chandler moves closer.)
 Chandler: I think you smell great! (He sniffs her shoulder.)
 [Scene: The smoker's balcony, Rachel, Kim, and Nancy are all puffing away on their
 cancer sticks.]
 Kim: So, we're decided, no on plaid, yes on pink?
 Nancy: Absolutely!
 Rachel: I am so on board! (She throws away her recently lit cigarette.)
 Kim: Rachel didn't you just light that?
 Rachel: Yeah, I did, but y'know what? I am really, really trying to cut back,
 y'know? (Laughs) Good luck, Rach.
 Nancy: I've actually been thinking about quitting lately.
 Kim: Oh sure, every Sunday night I'm telling myself I'm quitting but every
 Monday morning it's like (Mimics chain smoking.)
 Nancy: Tell me about it!
 Rachel: Well then let's just quit! We'll just quit! Let's all quit!
 Kim: It does sound appealing.
 Nancy: Oh, I never could do it.
 Rachel: Oh but you could. You can. Absolutely! We can help each other out! We
 can get--what are those--those patches! We could be like the Patch Sisters!
 Kim: Oh y'know, we really should quit. Okay, let's quit!
 Rachel: Yes! Great! Give me those cigs! Give it! Give it! (She grabs their
 cigarettes and lighters and throws them in the trash.)
 Kim: My late husband gave me that lighter. (Rachel laughs.) I'm not kidding.
 Rachel: Okay then! (She starts rummaging through the trash to find Kim's
 lighter.)
 [Scene: Joey and Ben's audition, Joey is rehearsing his lines, uh correction, Joey is
 rehearsing his line.]
 Joey: Hmmm, soup! (Tries again.) Hmm soup! (Tries again, with a little
 caveman thrown in.) Hmm, soup!
 Carol: Joey, Ross is gonna be here any second, would you mind watching Ben for
 me while I use the ladies' room?
 Joey: Oh yeah, no problem.
 Carol: Thanks. (Exits.)
 Joey: (goes over to Ben) Hi Ben! So you wanna be an actor huh? I gotta tell ya,
 it's no picnic. There's tons of rejection. No stability. One day you're Dr. Drake
 Remoray, the next day you're eating ketchup right out of the bottle.
 Ross: (entering, angrily) Joey!
 Joey: (angrily) Ross!
 Ross: (angrily) Ben! (Pause.) (Happily.) I mean, Ben! Ben!
 The Casting Director: (entering) Okay, Raymond, Joey you're up.
 (Raymond and Joey go in the office.)
 Joey: Hi!
 The Casting Director: Okay, uh well, let's try one. Whenever you guys are ready.
 (Some dude puts down a couple bowls of soup in front of them.)
 Joey: Uh-oh.
 The Casting Director: Is there a problem?
 Joey: Well this is noodle soup and uh, I've been working with tomato. But that's
 okay, no problem. No problem. Hmm, noodle soup.
 The Casting Director: Y'know, that's-that's fine, but the line is, 'Hmm,
 soup.'
 Joey: Oh, what did I say?
 The Casting Director: Hmm, noodle soup.
 Joey: How's that different? (She looks at him until he gets it.) Oh! Yeah!
 The Casting Director: All right, let's try one.
 (Raymond and Joey both eat a spoonful and Joey turns to Raymond and says )
 Joey: Hmm, noodle soup.
 The Casting Director: Okay. Let's do it again.
 Joey: Okay.
 (They do it again.)
 Joey: Hmm, soup. (Pause.) I mean, noodle soup. I mean soup!
 Raymond: COME ON!!!!
 The Casting Director: Y'know what? We need to move on.
 Joey: No! No! I-I can do it one more time! See? Look! (Eats another spoonful)
 Hmm, noodle soup. Damnit! (Storms out.)
 [Scene: The smoker's balcony, Kim and Nancy are cheating and are caught by Rachel.]
 Rachel: Hey! Hey-hey-hey!!
 Kim: Uh-oh, busted!
 Rachel: Come on you guys! What are doing?! I thought we were the patch sisters!
 Kim: Yeah. That didn't work out.
 Nancy: Rachel we tried to quit, but it was too hard!
 Rachel: Well y'know if you, if you started smoking again you could've at least
 told me! Come on, give me one of those! What are we talking about?
 Kim: No. No! You're doing great! Don't you give up! That's why we didn't
 tell you and we're not gonna drag you down with us.
 Rachel: Oh wait, no-no-no! Drag me down. Drag-drag me down.
 Kim: Forget it Rachel! We're both so proud of how well you're doing. I'm not
 gonna let you blow it. In fact, if I catch you with a cigarette, you're fired. So go on,
 get out of here! Go on, I don't want you breathing this stuff! Go on!


 The One Where Ross Can't Flirt
 The One Where Ross Can't Flirt
 Written by: Doty Abrams
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is getting ready for a date with Monica as Ross
 enters.]
 Ross: Hey!
 Chandler: Hey!
 Ross: Wow! You look nice. What's the occasion?
 Chandler: Monica and I are celebrating our ten-month anniversary, we've got
 reservations at Ja George.
 Ross: Wow! How'd you get in there?
 Chandler: Made a few calls, pulled some strings, and they agreed to seat us at
 11:30 if we both had the chicken and didn't get desert.
 (There's a knock on the door and Chandler answers it. It's the pizza delivery girl.)
 Delivery Girl: Hi Chandler!
 Chandler: Hey Caitlin! Somebody got a haircut.
 Caitlin: Ugh, I hate it! I look like an 8-year-old boy.
 Chandler: Yeah, if that was true, gym class would've been a lot more
 interesting.
 Caitlin: It's uh, 27 dollars even.
 Chandler: Oh, okay. (Hands her the money.) Here you go.
 (The duck starts quacking.)
 Caitlin: Hey, where's the chicken?
 Chandler: Oh, he's in the back. The duck pissed him off, said that eggs came
 first.
 Caitlin: (laughs) Great. I'll see you later!
 Chandler: Okay, bye!
 (He closes the door and turns to see Ross glaring at him.)
 Ross: What the hell was that?!
 Chandler: What?
 Ross: The flirting! Aren't you supposed to be going out with, I don't know hmm,
 let's say my sister?!
 Chandler: I was not flirting.
 Ross: It was totally flirting. 'Somebody got a haircut (Makes some whiney,
 nasally noises.)'
 Chandler: Okay first of all, the impression, uncanny. And second, that was not
 flirting, that was just casual conversation between two people. That is all.
 Ross: Yeah, right.
 Chandler: You wanna see flirting? I'll show you flirting. (Starts to move
 towards Ross.)
 Ross: (backing away) I'm good.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are in the kitchen.]
 Rachel: I am so proud of Joey, I can't believe he's going to be on Law &
 Order!
 Phoebe: I know. But don't you think that it should be called Order and Law?
 Rachel: No because first they arrest the guy and then they try him.
 Phoebe: Don't get me started on that.
 (Ross and Chandler enter with the pizzas.)
 Chandler: I was not flirting.
 Ross: And on your anniversary, for shame!
 Rachel: What's going on?
 Ross: Chandler was hitting on the hot delivery girl!
 Chandler: I was not and oh God, shh!
 Ross: Well I'm sorry but you were! Okay? And besides if anyone should be hitting
 on her it's the guy who's single, the guy that who-who-who can do something about it.
 Phoebe: Sounds like somebody wants to be Mr. Pizza Delivery Girl.
 Ross: Well
 Chandler: Is that what this is about? You like Caitlin?
 (Ross looks at Rachel.)
 Rachel: Ross! We broke up two years ago; you've been married since then.
 I think it's okay that we see other people.
 Ross: Well, I-I was watching her the other day at the pizza place.
 Rachel: Hm-mmm.
 Ross: And she's just so sexy and funny and has the cutest little
 Rachel: Okay, y'know what? We don't need her measurements.
 Phoebe: (looking through the pizzas) Okay pepperoni, pepperoni, pepperoni, okay
 Ross, I know she's pretty and you love her, but is she stupid?! She forgot my vegetarian!
 Ross: This is perfect! She'll have to come back here with your pizza, and when
 she does, I'll turn on the Charm-O-Ross. Oh I'm so glad you don't eat meat.
 Phoebe: See? Vegetarianism benefits everyone.
 Joey: (entering, with his grandmother) Hey everybody, look who's here! You
 remember my grandmother!
 Rachel: Big night!
 Phoebe: This is so cool!
 Chandler: So, Joey on Law & Order, you must be very proud!
 Joey: Chandler, she doesn't understand a word of English.
 Chandler: I'm sorry, I thought you were Joey's other grandmother. (She just
 stares at him.) I've done it again.
 Joey: She's my biggest fan. Yeah, she's the only one in the family that's
 believed in me.
 (They both start speaking Italian to each other, and since I'm not Italian and don't
 understand one word, we'll move on to the English portion of the show. Not, that I'm
 English. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just that I'm not. Y'know I think
 I should shut-up now and move on. Anyhoo, she says something about Joey being fat I think
 based on this line.)
 Joey: Yeah, I uh weighted like 27 pounds when I was born so
 Monica: (entering from the bathroom) Hey! Happy Anniversary!
 Chandler: Happy Anniversary, 10 months! (They kiss.)
 Monica: So umm, when I was in the shower I was thinking about our first night in
 London
 Chandler: Uhh, Joey's grandmother is right there. (Points)
 Monica: Is that the one that speaks English or the one that doesn't?


Chandler: The one that doesn't.
 Monica: That was some hot love you gave me! I'm gonna go get ready.
 Chandler: Hey, why don't you wear those earrings I gave you?
 Monica: That's a great idea! I was saving them for something special.
 Chandler: Okay.
 Monica: (runs over to Phoebe) You have got to go home!
 Phoebe: But I like it here!
 Monica: You gotta go home and get the earrings that you borrowed from me okay?
 Chandler wants me to wear them tonight.
 Phoebe: Okay, well I think that they're in my purse. Why don't you go get
 dressed and I'll look for them.
 Monica: Great!
 Phoebe: Okay! (Walks over to Rachel) Rach, hi, I need those earrings you
 borrowed.
 Rachel: Oh, umm, okay, yeah, I'll be, yeah I'll be right back. (Goes to her
 room.)
 (Phoebe then gets possessed 'cause she starts speaking in tongues. She speaks Italian
 to Joey's grandmother. She is quickly exorcised and returns to speaking in English. Of
 course, too most people English is a strange language as well. But none of them are
 probably reading this and if they were they wouldn't understand it. So why am I talking
 about them? I have absolutely no clue. Moving on )
 Joey: Wow Pheebs, you speak Italian?
 Phoebe: I guess so. (See, the brief possession didn't affect her at all, like we
 could really tell.)
 Rachel: (She enters and hands Phoebe the earring) Here you go. Thank you!
 Phoebe: Wait, Rach! Where's the other one?
 Rachel: Oh what, you-you want both of them?
 Phoebe: Rachel Karen Green, where's the other earring?!
 Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, look, just don't freak out, but I kinda lost it. I
 know it's in the apartment, but I definitely lost it.
 Phoebe: Well, what am I going to tell Monica? She wants to wear them tonight!
 Rachel: Tell her to wear her own earrings.
 Phoebe: These are her earrings.
 Rachel: Nooo! Nooooo! You lent me Monica's earrings?! I'm not allowed to borrow
 her stuff!
 Phoebe: Why not?
 Rachel: Because I lose her stuff!
 [Time Lapse, the gang is now watching Law & Order. By the way, the entire
 rest of the episode takes place in Monica and Rachel's apartment. Why are they called
 apartments when they're all stuck together? Something to think about.]
 Joey: Okay, see that blind guy right there? I'm gonna bash his head in later.
 (His grandmother asks him something.)
 Joey: Oh umm, my big scene is coming up. Big scene coming up.
 Chandler: If you said, 'Big lima bean, bubbling up.' Would she
 understand the difference?
 Monica: (noticing Rachel crawling behind the couch) Rach? What are you doing?
 Rachel: Oh boy, I just can't watch. It's too scary!
 Monica: It's a diaper commercial.
 Rachel: Oh yeah well, you know me, babies, responsibilities, ahhh!!!
 (There's a knock on the door.)
 Caitlin: Pizza delivery!
 Ross: I'll get it! I will get that! (Runs over and opens the door.)
 Caitlin: Hi!
 Ross: Hi!
 Caitlin: One uh, vegetarian pizza. That's $12.15.
 Ross: Oh. Uh, by the way, if it makes you feel any better. I happen to like
 8-year-old boys.
 Caitlin: What?!
 Ross: (I can't make it out.) The uh, your hair, before, your hair, you said you
 thought your looks like an 8-year-old's, and I'm just saying I like it. The hair.
 Caitlin: Oh. Thanks.
 Ross: You understand I don't actually like 8-year-old boys.
 Caitlin: Y'know, all I'm looking for is the money.
 Chandler: Here you go. (Hands her the money.) Now stop bringing us pizzas you.
 Caitlin: I'm gonna try. (Walks away and Ross closes the door.)
 Chandler: You're welcome.
 Ross: You couldn't let me have her, could ya?!
 Chandler: What?
 Ross: This is a girl that I really like and had too swoop in there!
 Monica: What's goin' on?
 Ross: Chandler was totally flirting with the hot delivery girl!
 Chandler: Thank you for that! (To Monica) I was not flirting.
 Monica: It's okay. I don't care. It's uh, it's fine.
 Ross: Really?!
 Chandler: Really?!
 Monica: It's no big deal, I do it all the time.
 Chandler: (starts to laugh, but then gets serious) So umm, you-you flirt with
 guys all the time?
 Monica: Sure! It doesn't mean anything! Just like I know it doesn't mean
 anything with you!
 Chandler: Okay, but there is a big difference. You are a lot hotter than
 I am.
 Joey: (walking past) True story! (Goes and sits down.)
 Monica: Chandler, this actually bothers you?
 Chandler: Yes, it does bother me! And I think it would bother a lot of people.
 Rachel, when you were going out with Ross, did it bother you when he flirted with other
 women?
 Rachel: Uhh, no, no, it bothered me when he slept with other women.
 Ross: And thank you, for that.
 Rachel: But y'know, I never really had anything to worry about. Ross was never
 very good at the flirting thing.


Ross: What? (Mumbles) What-what, what are talking about? It-it worked with you.
 Rachel: Oh! Y'know what? You're right! We meet, you flirted and then bamn
 nine years later you had me!
 Ross: All right, all right. You-you-you know what I'm going to do? I am going to
 order another pizza and when Caitlin gets here, you-you--I will show how well I flirt.
 Yeah! I will, I will get her phone number! (To Chandler) And not the one on the menu!
 Phoebe: (entering from Rachel's bedroom) I found it!
 Rachel: Ohh! Thank God! Where was it?
 Phoebe: On your dresser.
 Rachel: Okay that is the one we already have!
 Joey: Okay, here's my big scene. My big scene's here! (They have two of the cops
 on the street, then they cut to where they're entering an apartment.) Oh my God.
 Monica: What?
 Joey: (smiling) Okay, everybody just keep smiling. It'll kill my grandmother if
 she finds out.
 Chandler: (smiling) Well, what is it?
 Joey: (smiling) Oh, they cut me out of the show.
 Rachel: (smiling) What?!
 Ross: (smiling) Are you sure?
 Phoebe: (smiling) Maybe your scene's coming up?
 Joey: (smiling) Not likely. 'Cause you see that body bag right there
 Rachel: (smiling) Yeah.
 Joey: (smiling) I'm in it.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, it's continued from before the commercial break.]
 Phoebe: (smiling) This is terrible, what are you going to do?
 Joey: (smiling) I don't know. This little, old lady lives for my career. When
 they dumped me off of Days of Our Lives she almost died.
 Phoebe: (not smiling) That's not good.
 Joey: (smiling) No, smile! Not that face, smile! Everybody smile! (They all
 smile.)
 Rachel: (smiling) Joey, why don't you just tell her what happened? It's not your
 fault.
 Chandler: (smiling) If we keep talking this way, aren't we gonna freak her out
 soon?
 Grandma Tribbiani: (Something in Italian to Joey.)
 Joey: Soon, soon, I'm gonna be on soon. There I am! (Points to the screen, of
 course it isn't him.)
 Grandma Tribbiani: (pointing at the screen) No! Sam Waterston!
 Joey: No-no-no, that-that's me, that's me.
 Grandma Tribbiani: No, it's Sam Waterston! Crimes and Misdemeanors,
 Capricorn One.
 Chandler: Doesn't know, 'Hello.' But she knows Capricorn One.
 (Phoebe gets up.)
 Monica: (following her) Phoebe! I have to have those earrings, we're going to
 leave as soon as the show is over.
 Phoebe: But I already gave them back to you!
 Monica: No you didn't.
 Phoebe: All right, I already didn't give them back to you, that's what I said.
 (Walks away over to Rachel.) Where is that other earring?
 Rachel: It's not here Pheebs, it's not here. Ohh, I went to Joey and Chandler's
 last night! Okay! (Goes to the door.)
 Phoebe: Make sure you check Chandler's jewelry box.
 Rachel: Wait a minute. Chandler has a jewelry box?
 Phoebe: Okay, we have like ten minutes. Do you want me to get into that now?!
 (Rachel heads for Joey and Chandler's and Phoebe heads for the kitchen to find Ross.)
 Ross: (To Phoebe) Hey Pheebs! How's that uh, vegetarian pizza working out for
 ya? You and those vegetables have a real thing going on, huh?
 Phoebe: (she just looks at him) Why are you being weird?
 Ross: Do you like it?
 Phoebe: No, that would be, 'Why are you being cute?'
 Ross: Okay, I'm working on my flirting.
 Phoebe: Ohh! I did not get that.
 [Cut to Chandler and Monica on the couch.]
 Chandler: So uh Monica, do you, do you like the Law & Order?
 Monica: Yeah, it's good.
 Chandler: See, I'm finding out all this stuff about you today, like you like the
 Law & Order and that you flirted with every guy in the Tri-State area!
 Monica: Chandler! (Joey and his grandmother shush them and wave them away, which
 they do.) Okay, let me get this straight, it's okay for you to flirt, but not for me.
 Chandler: Oh, I'm so glad we cleared that up. Look, I'm sorry, some things are
 different for men and for women.
 Monica: Go on, teach me something about men and women.
 Chandler: Okay, I've already taught you so much already, but whatever. See when
 you flirt with a guy you think, 'I'm just flirting, no big deal.' But the guy is
 thinking, 'Finally! Somebody who wants to sleep with me!'
 Monica: No way!
 Chandler: It's true.
 Monica: Well that's pathetic!
 Chandler: Again true.
 Monica: And this goes for all guys?
 Chandler: All guys that are awake. Then we go to sleep and then all the guys
 from the other end of the world wake up and behave the exact same way.
 Joey: (To Ross in the kitchen) All right, it's another commercial; I still
 haven't told her!
 Ross: Joey! This is like the last commercial. You've got like (checks his watch)
 ten minutes left!
 Joey: I know, I know! What am I going to do? (Thinks) Ooh!


Monica: No! You are not gonna run out and leave her here!
 Joey: (dejected) Yeah, all right. (Thinks of something.) Ooh! (He quickly runs
 out before anyone can stop him.)
 Grandma Tribbiani: Joey!
 Chandler: Uh, Joey is gonna be right back. Right back! (Tries to pantomime it
 for her.) Meanwhile, let's-let's-let's talk about you. (Pause.) So, you're old and small.
 [Time lapse, Rachel is coming back from Chandler and Joey's.]
 Rachel: (entering) (To Phoebe) (whispering) Hey!
 Phoebe: Did you find it?
 Rachel: The earring? No. But look, I found my sunglasses under the couch! I've
 been looking for these since like last summer. (Puts 'em on.)
 Phoebe: Okay, those are my sunglasses, you borrowed them from me.
 Rachel: Okay, calm down, here they are. (Gives back the sunglasses.)
 Monica: (entering from her room) Phoebe! (Motions for the earrings. Phoebe gives
 her the one-minute sign.)
 Phoebe: (To Rachel) What are we going to do?!
 Rachel: I don't know, I don't know.
 Phoebe: All right well, we're just gonna have to tell Monica, that's all.
 Rachel: Oh gosh, she's going to kill me.
 Phoebe: I suppose I could tell her it's just all my fault.
 Rachel: Ohh that'd be great!
 Phoebe: Mon, can I talk to you for a sec?
 Monica: Yeah, what is it?
 Phoebe: Umm, I lost one of your earrings. I'm sorry! I am so, so sorry!
 Monica: (shocked) Wow! All right well, I mean, what can you do? If you lost it
 you lost it.
 Phoebe: I will replace it, I promise. I feel so terrible.
 Monica: All right, sweetie that's fine. You didn't do it on purpose.
 Phoebe: No.
 Monica: Look at you! Come here! (They hug.) Feel better?
 Phoebe: Yeah! You're the best!
 Rachel: Okay, wait a minute. Wait a minute, I-I-I, I can't do this. Listen
 honey, this is, it's not Phoebe's fault. She lent me the earrings, and I lost it.
 I'm so sorry. Honey, I feel terrible too. (Holds out her arms for a hug.)
 Monica: (angrily) That is exactly why I do not lend you stuff!! (Rachel
 looks over at Phoebe in resignation.) Okay?! I mean, first it's my jewelry! And if it's
 not my jewelry, it's-it's my blue sweater! And if it's not my sweater, it's my sunglasses!
 Rachel: Your sunglasses?!
 Monica: Yes!
 Phoebe: Oh, right! (Hands Monica back her sunglasses.)
 Caitlin: (from outside) Pizza!
 Ross: (running to the door) Oh, mine! Mine! Mine! (to everyone) Okay, here goes.
 Prepare yourselves for some Class A flirting.
 Chandler: Okay, hold on. (Pauses as he readies himself.) Okay. (Walks away.)
 Rachel: Honey, you have nothing to prove. And if you really like this girl, I
 don't flirting is the right thing to  (Ross interrupts and shushes her.)
 Ross: You'll see. Okay. (Readies himself.) Oh, what's-what's her name?
 All: Caitlin!
 Grandma Tribbiani: Caitlin!
 Ross: (He opens the door while faking a laugh.) Hey! Oh, we-we can't keep eating
 like this. (Monica turns her head in shame.)
 Caitlin: It's uh, $12.50.
 Ross: Okay, (gets the money) so, do you make the pizzas in one of those uh,
 wood-burning ovens?
 Caitlin: No actually umm, I think that they're umm, gas.
 Ross: Gas? Wow! Intense.
 Chandler: (To Monica) If this is the way all the Gellers flirt, we don't have a
 problem.
 Ross: (to Caitlin) Hey uh, y'know that smell gas has?
 Caitlin: (wanting more than anything to get the money and leave this horrible,
 horrible place) Yeah.
 Ross: They put that in.
 Caitlin: What?!
 Ross: The gas is odorless, but they add the smell so you know when there's a
 leak.
 Caitlin: (getting more desperate to leave) Well okay!
 Ross: A lot of other gas smells
 Chandler: Oh the humanity.
 Ross: Meth-methane smells
 Caitlin: Y'know what umm, actually I, I really, I should go.
 Ross: Oh but I-I-I haven't paid you yet!
 Caitlin: Y'know what? That's okay, you guys have ordered so many that this one
 is on me! (Runs for her life.)
 (Ross closes the door slowly.)
 Ross: (To All) Was I talking to her about gas?
 Chandler: More so than anything else.
 Phoebe: I-I-I found it interesting.
 Rachel: I'm sorry.
 Ross: Look, no-no, hey, hey, don't worry about it! In nine years, she and I will
 be right there. (Goes and sits on the couch dejectedly.)
 Rachel: Okay, well, I'm gonna clear out some of these boxes. (She grabs a couple
 of the old pizza boxes and exits.)
 Phoebe: (walking over to Ross) Ross?
 Ross: Yeah?
 Phoebe: What else do they add smell too?
 [Scene: The street outside the building, Rachel is running to catch up with Caitlin.]
 Rachel: Hey! Hey! (Stops Caitlin) Hi! Hey-hey-hey, I'm Rachel! From upstairs?
 The ones with all the pizza?
 Caitlin: Oh, is there a problem?
 Rachel: No. No. Every thing's--they're fine. Great pizza. But it's uh, actually
 umm my friend Ross. He uh, just gets really nervous when he's flirting.
 Caitlin: Oh my God! That was flirting?!


 The One With The Ride Along
 The One With The Ride Along
 Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Seth Kurland
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Rachel, Joey, and Monica are sitting on the couch as
 Ross is up getting some coffee.]
 Monica: Okay, guys, listen, don't forget that tomorrow is the day that Emily
 gets married again, so whatever we do, just try to really keep Ross's mind off of it.
 Joey: Oh, yeah, good idea.
 (Ross returns.)
 Chandler: Hey man, what's up?
 Ross: (sits down at the table) Oh, eh, just thinking about Emily getting married
 tomorrow. (Joey panics.)
 Joey: Ooh, Ross, look! Look! (Points behind Ross.)
 Ross: (turning and looking) What? Where?
 Joey: Right over there! Right there! Look-look-look!
 Ross: What am I looking at?
 Joey: (to the rest of the gang) Somebody help me out here!
 Phoebe: (entering, with Gary) Hey!
 Gary: Hello!
 Monica: Hey!
 Gary: How are you?
 Phoebe: Monica, I'm sorry I didn't come by last night. I was out with Gary; he
 let me ride around with him in his cop car. We saw and prevented crimes.
 Joey: You got to go on a ride along?!
 Phoebe: Uh-huh!
 Joey: I want to go on a ride along!
 Ross: Me too!
 Gary: Okay!
 Chandler: Yeah, yeah! Me too!
 Gary: Really?! You?
 Chandler: Yeah.
 Gary: Well, it's kinda dangerous.
 Chandler: Well, I like danger.
 Gary: Okay, you guys free tonight?
 Joey and Ross: Yeah!!
 Chandler: Tonight? You-you didn't say it was going to be at nighttime.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is kneeling at the coffee table and has a bunch of
 pictures laid out in front of her as Rachel enters.]
 Rachel: Hey!
 Monica: Hey! Oh, I'm so glad you're home, I thought tonight we could finally
 organize these photos!
 Rachel: Ohh, thank God! Finally!
 Monica: Okay, I've broken them down into categories. Okay, we have uh, we got
 holidays, birthdays, candids, y'know  And then what I've done is I've
 cross-referenced them by subject. Right? So if you're looking up, oh let's say birthdays
 and dogs, you get Photo 152. See? (Hands her the photo.)
 Rachel: Ohh, it's me and La Poo! Wow! I miss that dog.
 Monica: You can also find him under umm, dog and dead.
 Rachel: Great! Thanks!
 Monica: All right, hand me that other box of photos; that's the very last one.
 Rachel: Okay.
 (She picks up the box and the bottom falls out, spilling all of the pictures onto
 Monica's neat little piles.)
 Rachel: Oops. Sorry! Well, good thing you number all of them, huh?
 Monica: I hadn't! Photo 152 was a prototype.
 Rachel: Ohhhh. Honey, honey, honey, it's okay, it's okay honey. I'm gonna fix
 you a drink, huh? Maybe a margarita?
 Ross: Ross has the blender! Ugh, everything's just falling apart!
 Rachel: No honey, it's okay! Listen, I'll got to Ross's and get the blender, you
 get all the margarita stuff ready.
 Monica: All right, he's keys are in the drawer. Y'know what? I also need some
 cash.
 Rachel: Okay, you want me to stop at the ATM?
 Monica: Nah, while you're at Ross's if you see any lying around
 Rachel: What?!
 Monica: What?! I-I-I don't, I don't do that!
 (Rachel slowly leaves the apartment.)
 [Scene: Gary's cop car, Ross is in the front seat with Gary of course. Chandler is in
 the back seat.]
 Ross: (to Gary) That was so cool man, the way you leaned on that guy.
 Chandler: It is starting to get dark out there.
 Ross: (to Gary) He told you everything! I mean you totally cracked him!
 Gary: Yeah well, being that he was the victim, they're usually pretty talkative.
 Chandler: (laughing) Okay. (Deadpan) But it is officially nighttime.
 (Gary reaches up to grab that little light that cops have for unmarked cop cars.)
 Ross: Oh hey, Gary, want me to grab the berry for ya?
 Gary: It's called the cherry.
 Ross: It's the Chandler!!
 (Chandler starts laughing at his joke.)
 Joey: (returning from a deli) Okay, I got it! This place makes the best sandwich
 in the world!
 Gary: Hey Joe does it have meatballs on it?
 Joey: Oh-ho, yeah!
 Gary: Does it have melted cheese and marinara sauce?
 Joey: Yep!
 Gary: Yeah, you can't eat that in my car.
 Joey: (dejected) Yeah okay. (To Chandler) Even though my tax dollars paid for
 this car.
 Chandler: Your tax dollars?
 Joey: Yeah, okay.
 [Time lapse, they're still on the ride along and Joey is just sniffing his sandwich.]
 Chandler: (leans in and takes a sniff of Joey's sandwich) Wow! That sandwich
 really does smell good.
 Joey: Did I say you could smell it?!
 Chandler: I can't smell your sandwich?
 Joey: Half the taste is in the smell! You-you're sucking up all the tastiness!
 Chandler: Okay, I'll give them back. (Exhales strongly through his nose and Joey
 just glares at him.) Look! What is so great about that sandwich?


Joey: Okay, imagine the best sex you've ever had.
 Chandler: Okay.
 Joey: Are you thinking about Monica?
 Chandler: Yeah.
 Joey: Yeah, what's that like?
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, Rachel is just entering. She takes off her coat and heads for
 the kitchen. As she does, she knocks something off of a bookcase next to the kitchen door
 with her coat and it breaks.]
 Rachel: Ohh please don't be from a real dinosaur! Please! Please! Please!
 Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! (She picks up the 2 pieces and looks at the
 stand.) Made in Mexico! Yes!! Ugh, who would buy this?! (Looks for a place to hide it and
 finds a wall sconce and drops the pieces into it and heads into the kitchen as the phone
 rings.)
 Monica: (on the answering machine) Rach! It's me! Pick up!
 (Rachel runs over and answers the phone with the blender in hand.)
 Rachel: Hey! What's up?!
 Monica: I need a few more things to make the margaritas. Uhh, I need some salt,
 some margarita mix, and tequila.
 Rachel: So all we have is ice?
 Monica: See if he has ice.
 Rachel: Okay.
 (She hangs up the phone and starts to head back to the kitchen and notices some money
 lying out, stops, reaches down to pick it up, the phone rings causing her to drop it, she
 quickly puts it back, and heads for the kitchen.)
 Emily: (on answering machine) Hello Ross? It's Emily. (Rachel runs back into the
 room with the tequila.) I know this is out of the blue but uh, I'm getting married
 tomorrow. Well, maybe I am. I keep thinking about you and I'm wondering if-if we made a
 mistake giving up so fast. Are you thinking about me? Of course you're not, but if you
 are, call me tonight. Okay, bye.
 Rachel: Oh. Oh! (Takes a slug of tequila.)
 [Scene: The ride along.]
 Ross: So where are we going next?
 Gary: This witness won't return my calls so we're gonna see if we can surprise
 him coming home.
 Chandler: Sur-surprise him? We're not, we're not gonna make anybody mad are we?
 Joey: Come on man! (To Gary) Listen so uh, are you gonna squeeze the perps shoes
 a little bit before he lawyers up?
 Gary: It's a witness not a perp. And no one talks like that!
 Ross: Yeah, no one talks like that!
 Joey: Oh what? Like your Mr. Cop!
 Ross: Hey, I'm more cop than you two!
 Chandler: How do you figure that?
 Ross: Hello! I'm in the front seat, okay? I'm Gary's partner!
 Chandler: Y'know, when you say partner it doesn't sound cop. It, it sounds gay.
 Ross: Umm, jealous! (He drops the cherry and it turns on.)
 Gary: Hey, do you mind? We're under cover here.
 Ross: Yeah, no problem. (Tries to turn it off.)
 Gary: Ross!
 Ross: Sorry! Sorry! Oh, (He sticks it under his shirt) there! (It's just there
 flashing through his shirt) Hey Gary, who am I? Phone home!
 (Gary just glares at him.)
 [Time lapse, Ross has been demoted to the back seat with Joey and Chandler. He's not
 too happy about it.]
 Chandler: Look at Officer Ross riding back here with the visitors.
 Joey: Yeah, what's up with that Serpico?
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, Rachel is playing Emily's message to Monica.]
 Emily: (on answering machine) Are you thinking about me? Of course you're not,
 but if you are, call me tonight. Okay, bye.
 Monica: (does Rachel's) Nooo!
 Rachel: (does Monica's) I know!
 Monica: Well thank God you were here! I mean, we have to erase that!
 Rachel: What?! We can't do that!
 Monica: We have too! I mean what if Ross's hears that and then calls her back
 and then they get back together? Is that what you want? Ross back with that controlling,
 neurotic, crazy Emily? The Emily that wouldn't let him see you?
 Rachel: Noo! Oh no! No! God no! He should not get back together with her. I know
 that! You know that! Even Ross knows that! But that still doesn't give us the right
 to erase his message!
 Monica: I'm his sister, okay? I love him! I don't want to see him get hurt! Come
 on! Doesn't that give me the right to control him help him?
 Rachel: I don't think he's the one who needs help.
 (They both sit down.)
 Monica: No, look, she's obviously unstable, okay? I mean she's thinking about
 running out on her wedding day. (Rachel slowly turns and glares at her.) (Realizing what
 she just said.) Okay, fine! But I mean, look at the position she's putting him in! What's
 he gonna do? Ross is gonna run over there on the wedding day and break up the marriage?! I
 mean, who would do that?! (Rachel again turns and glares at her in disgust.) Okay, fine,
 all right, but that's y'know, it's different! Although it did involve a lot of the same
 people.
 Rachel: Ugh!


Monica: Y'know what, this is obviously some kind of twisted joke she's trying to
 play on him.
 Rachel: Okay, you are crazy! I'm sorry, but she sounded generally upset!
 I mean, listen! (She hits a button on the machine.)
 Answering Machine: Your messages have been erased.
 Rachel: Noooooooo!
 [Scene: The ride along, they're all waiting outside of the witness's house and still in
 the car in the same places as before.]
 Chandler: Okay, y'know, we-we're safe right? I mean nothing bad can go down!
 Gary: No. But that reminds me, (handing back a clipboard) sign this.
 Ross: What is it?
 Gary: Oh it's nothing, it just says that you can't sue the city if you scrap
 your knee or y'know, get your head blown off.
 Chandler: (deadpan) Oh, hurry up. I want to sign that.
 Gary: Okay, here he comes. What is he doing? What the hell is he doing?!
 Ross: What? What? What? What is it?
 Joey: Is everything okay?
 Chandler: What's going on?
 Gary: Okay, he sees us. Now don't move. Don't look at him.
 (They all turn and look away. Suddenly a loud bang sounds out and in slow motion Joey
 slowly throws his body over Ross. Gary is shocked at what he sees while Chandler is
 obviously hurt.)
 Gary: Hey, it's okay. It was just a car backfire. (Joey slowly moves off of
 Ross.) Hey, look at that! You tried to save your buddy. You see that? You see what he did?
 Joey: (To Ross) You okay man?
 Ross: Uh-huh. Thank Joey!
 Chandler: Uh, HELLO!!
 Joey: Hi.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, Monica has all the supplies she needs and is getting ready to
 leave.]
 Monica: All right, I guess we should go.
 Rachel: No, wait. Wait.
 Monica: Oh yeah right! (She grabs the money and shoves into her pocket.)
 Rachel: No, Monica! Monica! We have to fix this!
 Monica: There's nothing we can do. You erased the message!
 Rachel: Yeah well unless we tell him.
 Monica: Well, if you're gonna be totally rational about this, I can't argue with
 you! All right? Fine, if you wanna tell him, tell him. I just don't want to be a part of
 it.
 (The phone rings.)
 Rachel: Oh, maybe that's Emily calling back to leave the exact same message.
 Ross: (on the machine) Hey Ross! It's you! I just want you to remember this
 feeling. You are lucky to be alive! So live everyday to the fullest. Love yourself, okay?
 Okay. Oh, and also get stamps. Bye! (He hangs up.)
 Monica: Wow! Play that message for Emily and this whole problem goes away!
 Rachel: Right?
 [Scene: Central Perk, the guys are returning from the ride along to find Phoebe already
 there.]
 Gary: Hey, anybody want to meet a hero?
 Phoebe: (excited) John Glenn is here?!
 Gary: No, Joey!
 Ross: Pheebs, we had the most incredible night! Okay, so, we're in the
 car
 Gary: Wait! Hold on! (He goes over to Phoebe and gives her a kiss.) (To Phoebe)
 Hi!
 Phoebe: Hi!
 Gary: (To Ross) Okay, go ahead.
 Ross: Okay, okay, so we're in the car. Right? And bang! A shot was fired.
 And Joey with no regard for his own safety throws himself on me!
 Phoebe: My God, Joey!
 Chandler: (pouting) It was a car backfire!
 Ross: Yeah, but-but he didn't know that!
 Joey: Yeah, I didn't know that.
 Ross: And it could've just as easily have been a bullet.
 Gary: Hey Joe, you ever think about joining the force? We could use a guy like
 you.
 Chandler: Who jumps at loud noises!
 Ross: Wow! I could've died tonight.
 Chandler: Yeah! If the car that backfired had run over you! Y'know what, I think
 I'll go home before Ross starts rambling about his newfound respect for life. (He gets up
 and starts for the door.)
 Ross: I do have a newfound respect for life.
 Chandler: (returning) Oh my God! (Storms out.)
 Gary: (To Phoebe) So you wanna get some dinner?
 Phoebe: Yeah! Sure! Yep! (Gets up) Oh, y'know what? If I heard a shot right now,
 I'd throw my body on you.
 Gary: Oh yeah? Well maybe you and I should take a walk through a bad
 neighborhood.
 Phoebe: Okay!
 Gary: All right.
 Phoebe: Bye!
 Ross and Joey: Bye!
 (They leave as Ross stares in awe at Joey.)
 Joey: Cut it out Ross! I hate to have to save your life and kick your ass in the
 same day!
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is pacing as Joey enters.]
 Joey: Dude! How come you took off?
 Chandler: Oh, I just went for a walk, around the living room. Whatever
 Joey: Is something wrong?
 Chandler: No. No I'm just tired. Y'know, from-from the walk.
 Joey: Okay.
 Chandler: You dove in front of Ross! Ross!
 Joey: That's what this is about! Oh my God, you hate Ross!


Chandler: I do not hate Ross!
 Joey: Of course you do! I saved him! You're mad at me! It all adds up! You want
 Ross out of the picture.
 Chandler: What picture?
 Joey: I don't know, but I don't like what I'm hearing!
 Chandler: Look I'm very glad that you saved Ross from the car backfire, but
 y'know, it could've been a bullet and you y'know, you didn't try to save me!
 Joey: Ohh, you're upset because you think I chose Ross over you! No!
 I knew you could take care of yourself. Y'know, I mean Ross, he need help. He's
 not street like us!
 Chandler: When it comes down to it, you would risk your life for Ross before you
 would for me. That's the bottom line.
 Joey: Well, no, not exactly! All right, look, I, I wasn't trying to save Ross.
 Okay? My sandwich was next to Ross. All right? I was, I was trying to save my sandwich.
 Chandler: From a bullet!
 Joey: I know it doesn't make much sense
 Chandler: Much sense?!
 Joey: Look Chandler, it was instinct! Okay? I just went for it!
 Chandler: So you risked your life, for a sandwich!
 Joey: I know it sounds crazy, but Chandler this is (Goes and picks up the
 sandwich) the greatest sandwich in the world!
 Chandler: So you didn't uh, choose Ross before me.
 Joey: No! I would never do that! You-you're like my brother!
 Chandler: Really?!
 Joey: Yeah! In fact, to prove how much you mean to me, (He unwraps the sandwich
 and holds it out for Chandler) here.
 Chandler: Thanks. (He grabs the sandwich.)
 Joey: No, eh, oh-oi, easy, it's not a hot dog!
 (Chandler takes a bite.)
 Joey: How good is that?
 Chandler: (with his mouthful) Oh-oi-ho, yeah!
 Joey: See?
 Chandler: Hm-hmm. (Goes to take another bite.)
 Joey: Oh-whoa-hey, dude, what are you doing?!
 Chandler: I thought you were showing me how much you mean to me.
 Joey: Yeah. With a bite! (Takes back the sandwich.) Gee-e-e-eez!
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, Rachel is trying to repair the thing she broke earlier, but
 gets interrupted by hearing Ross at the door. She panics and throws the thing into the
 kitchen. And runs to the couch as Ross enters.]
 Rachel: Hey! Hi!
 Ross: Rach, what uh, what are you doing here?
 Rachel: Hey! Y'know what? You are in our apartment all the time! Okay?
 This is, this is just a drop in the bucket mister!
 Ross: Y'know, it-it doesn't matter. The important thing is that you're here.
 You're my friend, and you're here. Oh! (He goes over and hugs her.)
 Rachel: Okay, just a little scared. What's going on Ross?
 Ross: The most amazing thing happened tonight. I thought my number was up. I had
 an actual near death experience!
 Rachel: What?! What? What happened?!
 Ross: Okay, okay, we were on the ride along with Gary, right?
 Rachel: Yeah!
 Ross: And somebody took a shot at me!
 Rachel: (gasps) Really?!
 Ross: No, a car backfired, but (Rachel suddenly calms down) I thought somebody
 was taking a shot at me. And Rach, I I survived! And I was filled with this-this
 great respect for life. Y'know? I-I want to experience every moment. I want to seize every
 opportunity. I-I am seeing everything so-so clearly now.
 Rachel: Because a car backfired?
 Ross: (stares at her briefly) Okay, why are you here?
 Rachel: Well, I-I-I don't know how this fits into your whole 'seizing'
 thing but um, Emily called you today.
 Ross: You talked to her?
 Rachel: No, she left a message. (He starts for the machine.) (Stopping him.) But
 it-it kinda got erased. There's just (Pause) something wrong with your machine.
 Ross: Well, okay, what-what did she say?
 Rachel: Well, uh something about having second thoughts about the wedding and
 did you guys make a mistake breaking up and uh, she wants you to call her.
 Ross: Wow!
 Rachel: Now, that-that was a good thing that I told you, right?
 Ross: Huh? Yeah! Yes, of course!
 Rachel: Okay. Thank you! Thank you! Because I'm sorry, all right. Because
 y'know what? She didn't want me not important. The point is, I was right. Your
 decision. Okay? I was right. (She starts for the door.) (Stops) Your decision.
 Ross: Right. I guess, I guess I should call Emily.
 Rachel: Okay, no, that's not the right decision. That's not, that's not right,
 no Ross-Ross, come on! I mean, that woman made you miserable! Okay, Ross, do you really
 want to get back into that?
 Ross: Okay, look, yesterday I would've even considered calling her back, but my
 ex-wife calls on the same day I have a near death experience. I mean, that-that has got to
 mean something!
 Rachel: Ugh, Ross! That was not a near death experience! That was barely
 an experience!
 Ross: You weren't there! Okay, maybe this is something that I-I'm supposed to
 seize! Y'know?
 Rachel: Okay, y'know what? Maybe, this is not about seizing stuff. Maybe this is
 about escaping stuff.


 The One With The Ball
 The One With The Ball
 Teleplay by: Greg Malins
 Story by: Scott Silveri
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, Gary, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are there.]
 Gary: (To Phoebe) Would you like some more coffee, baby-doll?
 Phoebe: I'm fine, thanks.
 Chandler: (To Monica) Yeah, see, I can't pull of baby-doll can I?
 Monica: No. I think we learned that from the sugarlips incident. I'm gonna get
 some tea.
 Chandler: Okay.
 (Monica leaves and Chandler moves to talk to Phoebe.)
 Chandler: Hiya doin' pumpkin?
 Phoebe: Nope. (Chandler nods in agreement.)
 [Cut to Gary and Monica at the counter.]
 Monica: So it looks like it's going really well for you two, huh?
 Gary: I know, really well. In fact, I'm gonna ask Phoebe to move in with me.
 Monica: (shocked) Oh my God!
 Gary: What do you, what do you think?
 Monica: I think that is so great! When are you gonna ask her?
 Gary: Tonight, but don't say anything. Okay?
 Monica: I swear, I promise. I promise. Oh my God, I'm so excited! (And I just
 can't hide it! I'm about to lose control and I think I like it! Sorry, just
 couldn't resist it.) All right, listen let me tell you, do not get her flowers.
 Okay? Because y'know, she cries when they die, and there's the whole funeral
 Gary: (To Phoebe) I'll see you after work sweetie. (Kisses her.)
 Phoebe: Okay. Bye!
 (Gary exits and Monica rejoins them.)
 Phoebe: So, what movie should we see?
 Monica: (sitting down) Gary's gonna ask you to move in with him!!
 Phoebe: What?! Really?!
 Monica: He just told me at the counter. He made me promise not to tell, but I
 couldn't hold it in any longer!
 Phoebe: I can't believe this!
 Chandler: (terrified) Right, because it's fast. Because, it's so fast. It's
 fast!
 Monica: Relax! It's Phoebe! Not you!
 Chandler: Oh! Good for you Pheebs, way to go! (Breathes a sigh of relief)
 Phoebe: No, but it is fast. Isn't it?
 Monica: Ohhhh!
 Phoebe: No, I like him a lot but I don't think I'm ready for this!
 Chandler: So, what are you gonna do?
 Phoebe: I don't know. I'll just handle it I'll ask you to talk to him!
 Chandler: Me?! Why me?
 Phoebe: Because you are so afraid of commitment! You talk to him, make him
 scared like you! Make him a man!
 Chandler: I'll try, but I'm not sure what good it would do, y'know? Because I'm
 a lot less afraid of commitment than I used to be.
 Monica: That is so sweet! (She kisses him and turns to add some sugar to her
 tea.)
 Chandler: (To Phoebe, behind Monica's back) Still terrified, I'll take care of
 it. No problem. (When Monica turns back he smiles and kisses her, when she turns away he
 nods that he'll do it to Phoebe.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are playing catch with a little foam globe.]
 Joey: Hey Ross, is uh, is Staten Island really an island?
 Ross: Uh-huh, that's why they call it Staten Island.
 Joey: Ohhh. I thought it was like Long Island.
 Ross: (he catches the ball and pauses, staring at Joey in disbelief) Also an
 island.
 (The game resumes.)
 Joey: Hey, what time is it?
 Ross: (looks at his watch) 2:17.
 Joey: Wow! You realize that we've been throwing this ball, without dropping it,
 for like an hour?
 Ross: Are you serious?!
 Joey: Yeah. I realized it about a half-hour ago but I didn't want to say
 anything 'cause I didn't want to jinx it.
 Ross: Wow! We are pretty good at this! Hey! We totally forgot about lunch!
 Joey: Oh, I-I, I think that's the first time I ever missed a meal! (Checks his
 pants.) Yeah, my pants are a little loose!
 Rachel: (entering) Hey, you guys
 Joey: Hey!
 Rachel: Is Monica here?
 Joey and Ross: No.
 Rachel: All right listen umm, I just bought something I'm not sure she's gonna
 like it, and it's gonna seem a little crazy, but this is something that I wanted since I
 was a little girl.
 Ross: You bought Shawn Cassidy!
 Rachel: Noo! I wish! Okay, you ready?
 Joey and Ross: Yeah!
 Rachel: Okay! (She goes and gets her surprise and when she returns with it, Ross
 stares in shock.) Check it out!
 (Joey turns and looks at quite possibly one of the ugliest pets that you can possibly
 buy on the planet. Rachel has bought herself a hairless cat. Yep, a hairless cat! Joey and
 Ross start to get sick.)
 Ross: What-what is it?!
 Joey: What the hell is that?!!
 Rachel: It's a, it's a cat!
 Joey: That, is not a cat! (I have to agree with Joey on this one.)
 Rachel: Yes it is!
 Ross: Why is it inside out?!
 Rachel: Excuse me! But this is a purebred, show-quality Sphinx cat!


Ross: How much did you pay for that?
 Rachel: Well, it was a little extravagant, but I a pretty good deal.
 Ross: Yeah? How much?
 Rachel: A thousand bucks.
 Ross: ON A CAT??!!!!
 Joey: It's not a cat!
 Rachel: All right listen ball boys! My grandmother had one of these when I was a
 little girl and it was the sweetest thing! I mean it was so cute, it would sit in my lap
 and purr all day long, and I would drag a shoestring on the ground and he would chase it!
 Ross: Free cats do that too, y'know. (Which reminds me, if I might get a little
 political here, support your local animal shelter. Pet shops are not the place to
 buy dogs and cats from, you get a much better deal from the shelter, plus they probably
 won't die on you in a week and a half. If you want a leash, go to the pet shop. If you
 want the dog for that leash, go to the shelter and save it's life. Now back to regularly
 scheduled programming.)
 Joey: It's not a cat!
 Rachel: Ugh! Look you guys, I'm really excited about this! Okay? I don't care
 what you think! I'm gonna go set up a little litter box for Mrs. Whiskerson. (They both
 glare at her.) Well, what am I gonna call her? Fluffy?!
 (Rachel goes into the bathroom as the guys continue throwing the ball.)
 Ross: (To Joey) Hey, you wanna get something to eat or uh, do you wanna see how
 long we can throw this ball back and forth? Huh?
 Joey: Uhh, the ball thing.
 Ross: Yeah?
 Joey: Hey Ross, wouldn't it be great if we could go two straight hours without
 dropping it?!
 Ross: Uhh, yeah it would! Let's do it!
 Joey: Okay!
 (They throw the ball back and forth once.)
 Joey: (catches the ball) Uh-oh.
 Ross: What?
 Joey: I have to pee. And Rachel's in the bathroom!
 [Cut to Chandler and Joey's, Ross is seen throwing the ball into the bathroom,
 presumably where Joey is currently using the facilities.]
 Joey: Man, I didn't think we were gonna make it!
 Ross: I know! (Looks at the ball in his hands.) Don't switch hands, okay?
 [Scene: the 5th Precinct, Gary's precinct, Chandler has come to talk to him
 about commitment. And as he's walking through the door he notices a couple of 'Ladies
 of the night' sitting there. (If you know what I mean.)]
 Chandler: Hey ladies! What are you in here for? (Laughs at his joke.)
 Gary: Hey Chandler, what are you doing here?
 Chandler: Gary, I'm here to report a crime.
 Gary: Yeah?
 Chandler: It is a crime that you and I don't spend more time together.
 Gary: (laughs, then suddenly serious) What's up?
 Chandler: Well, I heard that you thinking about asking Phoebe to move in with
 you and I thought maybe, we should have a talk. Man to uh, me.
 Gary: Sure. Okay.
 Chandler: Uh, are you crazy? Are you insane? If you live with Phoebe, you two
 are gonna be y'know, live-living together!
 Gary: Yeah, I-I considered that. I just know it would make me happy.
 Chandler: You mean scared.
 Gary: No, I mean happy.
 Chandler: Scared? Happy?
 Gary: Chandler, what-what are you doing?
 Chandler: I am trying to open your eyes, my man! Don't you see, if you lived
 with Phoebe she's always gonna be there. You're gonna get home, she's there. You go to
 bed, she's there. You wake up and oh yes, she's there!
 Gary: I know! I can't wait!
 Chandler: Were you're parents happy, or something?
 Gary: Listen Chandler, the way I see it is that I was lucky enough to find
 someone that I really love. I just I wanna be around her as much as I can.
 Chandler: Wow, y'know when you say it, it doesn't sound so scary.
 Gary: So you know what I'm talking about, right?
 Chandler: Yeah, I think I do! Y'know what? You move in with her! You move in
 with her right now! Maybe I should in with Monica!
 Gary: No, it's too soon for you guys.
 Chandler: (pause) Yeah, you're right about that.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Joey are still playing catch.]
 Ross:  now when they found the remains of the Mesozoic Mastodon they
 discovered what appeared to be the remains of a Paleozoic Amphibian in its jaws!
 How did it get there?!
 (Y'know, sometimes I think the script writers throw in a line like that to try to
 trip me up. But it won't work. I'll always have the last laugh! <manical_laugh.wav>
 Okay, so maybe I'm a little deluded, it's probably just my spellchecker. But, I must admit
 I did get Mesozoic and Paleozoic on the first attempt. Yay me! Anyhoo )
 Joey: Maybe this should be more of a quiet game.
 (Oh, all right! Geez, I can't have any fun!)
 Monica: (entering) Hey guys!


Joey: Hi!
 Monica: Joey, I left my watch on the counter last night. (Goes to the counter)
 It was right here, where is it?
 Joey: I don't know.
 Monica: All right, come on, I'm-I'm late for work!
 Ross: How do you know? You don't have a watch.
 Monica: Guys, could you please just stop throwing the ball for one minute and
 just help me find it!
 Joey: Oh, I don't know . Yeah, can't do it.
 (He throws it back to Ross, but it's intercepted by Monica and the guys both scream in
 horror.)
 Monica: What?!
 Ross: Monica, whatever you do, do not drop that ball!
 Joey: Yeah, we haven't dropped it in  (Looks to Ross.)
 Ross: 2 hours, 27 minutes.
 Monica: Really?!
 [Time lapse, Monica has joined in and is calling to get out of work.]
 Monica: (on phone, faking she's sick) I-I'm not gonna be able to make it into
 work today, I don't feel very good. (Joey makes a high throw and Monica has to catch it
 way over her head.) (Not sounding sick) Yes!! (Realizes what she just did.) (Sounding sick
 again) Wow! Uh, for a second there I thought I was really better, but I'm not. (Hangs up
 and keeps throwing the ball.)
 (Rachel enters.)
 Ross: Hey Rach!
 Rachel: Hey.
 Ross: Check it out! Almost 3 hours without droppin' it!
 Rachel: Oh, wow! Congratulations, that's quite a waste of time.
 Monica: Rach?
 Rachel: Yeah?
 Monica: You have scratches all over you, what happened? (Rachel's arms are
 covered with scratches.)
 Rachel: Well, it's my cat.
 Monica: (shocked) What?!
 Rachel: Oh yeah, I got a cat.
 Monica: I don't want a cat!
 Joey: Oh, don't worry, it's not a cat.
 Ross: Yeah.
 Rachel: You guys this cat is nothing like my grandmother's cat. I mean,
 it's not sweet, it's not cute, I even dragged that little string on the ground, and it
 just flipped out and scratched the hell out of me. And I swear, I know this sounds crazy,
 but every time this cat hisses at me I know it's saying, 'Rachel!'
 Ross: Doesn't sound as crazy as paying a thousand dollars for a cat.
 Monica: (To Rachel) What?! You paid a thousand dollars for a cat when you owe me
 300!!
 Rachel: Well, I was gonna let you play with it.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is drinking coffee as Chandler enters.]
 Chandler: Hi!
 Phoebe: Hmm, did you talk to Gary about the moving in thing?
 Chandler: Yes I did, and I think you should do it.
 Phoebe: What?!
 Chandler: He's a great guy, y'know? And he loves you a lot, you are a very lucky
 lady.
 Phoebe: You are useless! Freaking out about commitment is the one thing
 you can do! The one thing! And you can't even do that right! God!
 Chandler: I'm sorry. (Pause) If you ask me, I'd move in with him.
 Phoebe: Ohh!! God! (Gary enters and she sees him) Ooh! (To Chandler) Get out of
 here, good for nothing.
 Gary: Hey Chandler.
 Chandler: Hey Gar!
 Gary: (To Phoebe) Hi sweetie. (Kisses her.) Hi, can I talk to you for a second?
 Phoebe: Yeah! Okay. (They move to the couch.)
 Gary: You look very pretty today.
 Phoebe: Thanks! Okay. (They sit down.)
 Gary: Here's the thing.
 Phoebe: Yeah?
 Gary: Y'know I really want to move this relationship forward.
 Phoebe: Uh-hmm.
 Gary: Because if you're not moving forward, y'know you're just moving backwards.
 Phoebe: No that's not true. If you're not moving forward, you're just staying
 still. And staying still is good. Watch this. (She stays still for a brief second.)
 Gary: Phoebe?
 Phoebe: Yeah?
 Gary: I want you to move in with me.
 Phoebe: That is so sweet. But don't you think it's a little too soon? I mean
 there's so much we don't know about each other.
 Gary: (disappointed) Oh. Oh-oh-okay, I get it.
 Phoebe: I just I don't want us to jump into something we're not ready for.
 Gary: (disappointed more) Uh-huh.
 Phoebe: I really don't want to mess up what we have. I'm just I'm worried
 it's gonna be a big mistake.
 Gary: (on the verge of tears) Yeah.
 Phoebe: Which is why my answer is yes!
 Gary: (suddenly happy) Really?!
 Phoebe: Uh-huh! (They hug.) I'm so happy. (She's not happy.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Ross, and Monica are still playing catch, with
 Chandler looking on. Joey throws the ball to Monica who catches it and whips it at Ross.]
 Ross: (catching the ball) Monica! Stop throwing it so hard! We're on the same
 team!
 Chandler: Four hours? You guys have been doing this for four hours?
 Joey: That's right baby.
 Chandler: All right, let me in. (He jumps off of the counter to join in the
 game.)
 Monica: (jumping in front of him) No-no! Don't do it! Don't!
 Chandler: What?


Monica: He's a dropper!
 Joey: Oh yeah, that's right!
 Chandler: I'm not a dropper!
 Ross: It's really a uh-uh three person game, y'know?
 Chandler: It's throwing and catching!
 Ross: All right. (He gently tosses the ball to Chandler who catches it.)
 Chandler: Oh! Oh! That's so hard. (Starts to juggle the ball, but loses control
 and almost drops it and hands it to Monica.)
 (Rachel enters with the 'cat' and the chick and the duck start to get riled
 up.)
 Joey: Whoa-whoa you guys, it's not a cat!
 Monica: Oh my Oh good God!
 Rachel: (she's wearing an oven mitt to protect her hand) I give up you guys, I
 don't know what I'm going to do with this thing!
 Ross: Baking it didn't help, huh?
 Monica: So, why don't you just take it back to where you got it?
 Rachel: I tried! They won't take her back.
 Chandler: Maybe that's because she's a minion of the anti-Christ.
 Monica: Rach, why won't they take it back?
 Rachel: Well, they said would but they would only give me store credit. I mean,
 what am I going to do, get a thousand regular cats?
 Monica: Look, if you want you can keep it at our place until you find out what
 to do with it.
 Rachel: No Mon that's not the point. I'm out a thousand dollars, I'm all
 scratched up, and I'm stuck with this stupid cat that looks like a hand! (Storms out.)
 (Monica sneezes.)
 Monica: Oh my God, the cat's made my eyes water! Don't-don't throw it to me! My
 vision's been compromised!! (Quickly grabs a tissue to wipe her eyes.) Oh God! Okay. Okay.
 It's okay. Man, that was close.
 Chandler: Yeah, you almost overreacted to something.
 Phoebe and Gary: (entering) Hey!
 All: Hey!
 Gary: We have great news!
 Phoebe: We're moving in together! Isn't it great! Yay!
 All: Congratulations! Congrats!
 Phoebe: I know, I'm so excited!
 Gary: So am I!
 Phoebe: Well, you're not more excited than I am! No way! I'm the most
 excited!
 Gary: Okay, I'll see you at the station later.
 Phoebe: Okay, yeah, I'll see you later! Don't forget about the moving in!
 Gary: All right.
 (Phoebe closes the door behind him.)
 Monica: So you're moving in with him. What happened?
 Phoebe: I couldn't tell him no. He got so sad. Maybe it'll be all right. I do
 really like him a lot and probably do it eventually anyway and plus, think of all the
 money I'll save on stamps.
 Monica: Why, do you write him a lot?
 Phoebe: No, I just heard when people live together, they split the cost of
 stamps. Don't they?
 All: Yeah! That's right. Yeah-yeah! Yeah!
 (Rachel enters with the cat, wearing the oven mitt, and startles Phoebe.)
 Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry, the oven mitts really freaked me out.
 [Scene: Gary's precinct, Phoebe is entering.]
 Gary: Hey, honey! Okay, so did you find any apartments? Anything in Brooklyn
 Heights?
 Phoebe: No, nothing.
 Gary: Oh really?
 Phoebe: Yeah.
 Gary: Nothing at all?
 Phoebe: No, as soon as something opens up we'll move right in. Unless it doesn't
 have a pool, I need a pool. (Turns away from him.)
 Gary: Phoebe, can I talk to you for a second?
 Phoebe: Uh-huh!
 (He takes her into one of those typical interrogation rooms you see on TV and in the
 movies. Which is really appropriate here, since this is a TV show. What are the odds of
 that?)
 Gary: Take a seat. You okay? You feeling all right? (Closes the door and takes
 off his coat.)
 Phoebe: (sits down) Yeah, I feel great. 'Cause we're moving in together.
 Gary: So you uh, you checked the paper for listings in Brooklyn Heights, right?
 You-you checked the Post?
 Phoebe: Yeah, uh-huh, there was nothing. (Pause) Can I get some water?
 Gary: In a minute. You-you checked today's Post?
 Phoebe: Umm, yeah! Today's.
 Gary: 'Cause uh, this is today's Post (produces one from the other chair)
 and uh, these are the listings I found. (Points) Brooklyn Heights, two bedroom. (Points)
 Brooklyn Heights, one bedroom. (Points) Brooklyn Heights, (points) Brooklyn Heights,
 (points) Brooklyn Heights!
 Phoebe: (looks at the paper) Are these for rent! I thought people were just
 bragging!
 Gary: Let me tell you what I think might be going on. (Phoebe looks down in
 shame.) No-no-no, don't look at the table. Look at me. (Points to his eyes and she does
 so) Okay, I think somebody asked someone to move in with them. And I think someone said,
 'Yes' but now she's having doubts because things are moving to fast for someone.
 Does that sound at all possible to you?
 Phoebe: Yes. Yes! Fine! I am someone! You want me to say it? I have
 doubts! (Pause) I'm sorry! (Puts her head down.)
 Gary: Phoebe
 Phoebe: Yeah?
 Gary: Phoebe, it's okay that you feel this way. I mean it is soon. And
 there's a lot of things we don't know about each other, and I just figure that everything
 I really like. And the things I don't know, I get to learn about at someplace with both
 our names on the mailbox.


Phoebe: That's so sweet.
 Gary: Sweethart, but none of that matters if it's too soon for you. It's fine!
 We don't have to move in together. I just I want you to be happy
 Phoebe: Living with you would make me happy.
 Gary: Phoebe, you don't have to say that.
 Phoebe: No, I really wanna live with you! I wanna move in with you!
 Gary: Are you sure?
 Phoebe: Yes. Definitely! Yes! Let's live in an apartment that we both live in!
 (Hugs him.)
 Gary: Oh that's great!
 Phoebe: Oh wait, one sec. One sec. (Goes to the mirror) Hey you! Behind the
 glass! Who are you looking at! I've always wanted to say that when I was in one of these
 rooms, (sees the look on his face) which was never!
 [Scene: The street outside Central Perk, Rachel is trying to sell the cat.]
 Rachel: Show cat! Quality show cat! Show cat! (A woman approaches.)
 Woman No. 1: (looks into the box) Oh my God! What's wrong with your baby?!
 Rachel: It's not a baby! It's a cat!
 Woman No. 1: Eew! It's creepy looking!
 Rachel: Oh no! No! It's actually it's very sweet. It's very sweet. Look!
 (Goes to pet it and it hisses at her.) Yeah, do you want it?
 Woman No. 1: (laughs) No, I hate cats.
 Rachel: Well, so then what are you doing to me? Okay? Just get out of here! All
 right? Move on!
 (Another woman approaches.)
 Woman No. 2: Wow! What an unusual cat!
 Rachel: Yes! Thank you! Exactly! You want it?
 Woman No. 2: Maybe. I was thinking about getting a cat, I was just going to go
 to the shelter (Good for her) but  Okay, why not?
 Rachel: Oh, terrific! That'll be $2,000.
 Woman No. 2: What?!
 Rachel: Okay, a thousand.
 Woman No. 2: I thought you wanted to adopt your cat.
 Rachel: Well, I do, but you're just gonna have to actually look at this as more
 of an investment than a cat.
 Woman No. 2: Okay, yeah, I just wanted a cat. (Starts to leave.)
 Rachel: (makes some unintelligible sound to stop her from leaving) Obviously you
 know how to haggle, so I'm not gonna try and take you on. Okay? So $800 and I don't call
 the cops because you're robbing me blind! Blind! (Covers her eyes) Just take cat, leave
 the money, and run away! Run away! (Uncovers her eyes and sees that the woman has fled)
 Damnit! (To the cat) Cat, can't you at least smile or something?! (The cat hisses at her
 again, it sounds like Rachel) Okay, did anybody just hear that? Anybody?
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Ross, Monica, and now Chandler are still playing
 catch. The guys are exhausted and sitting around the room. Monica is still standing all
 pumped up and being hyper-competitive yet again. (Okay! We get it! She's competitive!!
 Must we see all the time?!}]
 Ross: I'm starving!
 Monica: Come on guys! Suck it up! We're closing in on ten hours! It's gut-check
 time!
 Joey: I don't know who made you the boss? All right? We (Ross and him) invented
 this game!
 Monica: Please! I made this game what it is.
 Chandler: Not fun anymore?
 Ross: I'm still hungry!
 Monica: All right, there's some pizza at my place, we can all eat with one hand
 right? Are you with me?
 Ross: I am!
 Monica: All right! Let's go! (Runs to the door.) Let's go Team Monica! (The guys
 all stop and stare at her) All right, we can work out the name later.
 [Cut to her apartment where Rachel is sitting at the table.]
 Monica: Rachel! What is your cat doing in one of my bowls!
 Rachel: It's not! I'm defrosting a chicken. (Pause) Oh, I uh sold Mrs.
 Whiskerson.
 Ross: Oh, thank God!
 Joey: Did you get your money back?
 Rachel: Yeah, 15 hundred dollars.
 Monica: Wow! You made a profit!
 Gunther: (entering with the cat) I just came for the red-velvet pillow.
 Rachel: Oh yeah, there you go. (Hands over the pillow.)
 Gunther: Thanks Rachel. And-and don't forget you-you can come visit her anytime
 you want.
 Rachel: Oh good, great! I'll-I'll keep that in mind. (Turns and walks away.)
 Gunther: (To Ross) Hey! So what is this? Some kind of snake or something?
 [Scene: Gary and Phoebe's apartment, it's morning and they're both waking up in bed.]
 Gary: I really like waking up with you.
 Phoebe: I like waking up with you too. (Looks out the window) Oh! It's such a
 beautiful morning. (Some birds are singing outside the window) Oh, I can stay here all
 day.
 Gary: That would be great!
 Phoebe: We could have breakfast in bed
 Gary: Wait, just a second.
 Phoebe: Okay. (He grabs his gun and shoots the bird.) Oh! Oh no.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Hyper-competitive Monica, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Ross
 are still playing catch. Monica is finally tiring while the rest of them are totally
 exhausted and virtually asleep.]


 The One With Joey's Big Break
 The One With Joey's Big Break
 Teleplay by: Wil Calhoun
 Story by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe are there reading. Rachel is sitting on the
 couch flanked by Ross and Monica. She suddenly stops reading and starts blinking her left
 eye as if it's bothering her. The problem is that Joey is on her left and thinks she's
 winking at him and winks back. Ross is watching this and isn't quite sure of what to make
 of it.]
 Ross: What's going on?
 Rachel: Well, my eye is a little itchy.
 (Ross turns to look at Joey.)
 Joey: Uhhh, mine too! Yeah.
 Monica: (To Rachel) Wow! It's really red! You should go see my eye doctor.
 Rachel: Richard? I'm not gonna go see your ex-boyfriend!
 Chandler: Oh, Richard. That's all I ever hear, Richard, Richard, Richard!
 Monica: Since we've been going out, I think I've mentioned his name twice!
 Chandler: Okay, so Richard, Richard!
 Monica: It's not Richard! Okay? It's this new guy and he's really good.
 Rachel: Well, I'm sorry I'm not going to an eye doctor!
 Ross: Oh God, here we go!
 Chandler: What?
 Ross: Anytime anything comes close to touching her eye or anyone else's she like
 freaks out. Watch! Watch! (He takes his finger and moves it towards his eye.)
 Rachel: (flinches) Ross! Come on! That's all right! Fine--Okay, I have a weird
 thing about my eye. Can we not talk about it please?
 All: All right, fine.
 Monica: Hey Rach, remember that great song, Me, Myself, and I? (And on
 the 'I' part she mimics poking her eye.)
 Rachel: (flinches again) Monica! Come on!
 Ross: Hey, does anybody want to get some lunch? All those in favor say I? (Pokes
 his eye)
 Rachel: (freaks) Ross! Stop it! Come on!
 Chandler: How much did I love The King and I? (Oh, you get the
 point by now.)
 Rachel: Chandler!
 Joey: Me too! Me too! Me too! (Yeah, he does the same thing.)
 Rachel: Just stop it! Come on!
 (Joey howls in pain and holds his eye.)
 Chandler: You okay there man?
 Joey: Yeah, I got too excited!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]
 Ross: All right, I gotta go. I'm taking Ben to the park.
 Phoebe: Ohh, give him a kiss for me!
 Ross: All right, bye!
 Monica: Bye!
 Phoebe: Bye!
 Ross: Later! (Exits.)
 Phoebe: (after he's gone) I am so sorry you got caught in the middle of that. I
 didn't mean to be so out there. I am furious with him!
 Chandler: Wow umm, calm down.
 Phoebe: I'm trying, but man that guy can push my buttons!
 Monica: Why are so mad at him?
 Phoebe: Look, I don't wanna talk about it. Okay?
 Monica: Well, it just seems that
 Phoebe: You wanna be on my list too? Keep talking! Has anyone seem my list by
 the way?
 Chandler: Uh, no Pheebs. What's it look like?
 Phoebe: Uh, it's a piece of paper and it says, 'Ross' on it.
 Joey: (entering, depressed) Hey. I just got off the phone with Estelle and guess
 what. (Pause, then very excitedly) I GOT THE LEAD IN A MOVIE!!!!!!
 Chandler: You got the lead in a movie? That's amazing! What's the movie about?!
 Joey: It's called Shutter Speed, it's really cool! Yeah, umm, I meet this girl
 in the subway and we fall in love in like a day, right? And then, she
 disappears  But I find out where she lives and when I get there this like old lady
 answers the door and I say, 'Where's Betsy?' Right? And she says, 'Betsy's
 been dead for 10 years.'
 Phoebe: Ohh-oh, chilling!
 Joey: And the best part is, we're filming in the desert outside Vegas! (To
 Chandler) And you know what that means buddy!
 Chandler: Yeah, I know that means buddy!
 Joey: Road trip! Yeah, we can rent a car! I just have to be there by Tuesday!
 Phoebe: Oh wait, my grandmother's dead.
 Chandler: Well, uh, we can talk about that too Pheebs.
 Phoebe: No! No, her cab! She probably won't be using it; you can drive it to Las
 Vegas.
 Joey: All right! Thanks Pheebs!
 Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa, what are we going to do about my job?
 Joey: Oh umm, not go.
 Chandler: All right, great, road trip baby! (To Monica) This okay with you?
 Monica: Chandler! You don't have to ask for my permission. (Quietly) You can go.
 Chandler: Thank you.
 Monica: Hey Rach, come on! We're gonna be late for the eye doctor appointment!
 Rachel: (entering from her bedroom) All right! Let's get this over with! Ugh!
 (She walks by the table and notices that no one is looking and accidentally on purpose
 knocks over the open cereal box.) Ohhh! No! Look what I did! (She starts walking through
 the mess. (Also, notice the continuity error in this scene. Note the position of the box
 and dispersal pattern of the cereal before and after the camera cut.}) Oh, I mean, look at
 this mess! I mean, we're probably gonna have to clean this up! Y'know? We're gonna have to
 reschedule!


Monica: No. If you thought this mess is going to bother me, you are wrong! All
 right, let's go Blinky! (She ushers Rachel out the door, but before the door fully closes
 she sticks her head back in.) Chandler!!!! (Chandler agrees to clean up the mess.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is reading a map as Phoebe enters.]
 Phoebe: Oh hey Joey! What's up?
 Joey: I can't decide which route to take to Vegas. Hey, you've traveled a lot
 right?
 Phoebe: Yeah, I've been around.
 Joey: Okay, so-so which route should I take the northern route or the southern
 route?
 Phoebe: Ooh, if you take the northern route there's a man in Illinois with a
 beard of bees. (Okay, I must protest this, I've lived in Illinois all my life and know of
 no man with a beard of bees! Wisconsin, on the other hand, might be a different story.)
 Joey: Great! Problem solved!
 Phoebe: But on the southern route there's a chicken that plays tic-tac-toe.
 Joey: Well, back to square one.
 Phoebe: Oh, I know a way that you can decide! All right, I'm going to ask you a
 series of questions and you answer as quickly as you can.
 Joey: (quickly) Yes!
 Phoebe: Good, but wait. Okay, all right, here we go. Now I want you to relax.
 Take a deep breath. Clear your mind. (Quickly) Which do you like better peanut butter or
 egg whites?
 Joey: Peanut butter!
 Phoebe: Which would you rather be a fireman or a swimmer?
 Joey: A swimmer!
 Phoebe: Who would you rather sleep with Monica or Rachel?
 Joey: Monica. Oh  huh, I always thought it would be Rachel.
 Phoebe: No thinking! No thinking! Tie or ascot?
 Joey: Ascot!
 Phoebe: North route or south route?
 Joey: North route!
 Phoebe: Bamn! There you go! Huh?
 Joey: Wow! That was incredible! Beard of bees, here I come!
 Ross: (entering) Hey!
 Phoebe: Oh, this guy again. (She ignores him.)
 Joey: Hey man, what's up?
 Ross: Uhh, not much. You guys want to see a movie tonight?
 Joey: Sure, what do you want to see?
 Ross: I don't know, umm
 Joey: Oh, I know how we can decide. Phoebe, show him your game!
 Phoebe: Umm, no thank you. (She gets up and moves to the couch. They were at a
 table previously.)
 Ross: What's with her?
 Joey: I don't know. But hey, I know we can decide. Okay, I'm gonna ask you
 questions and you answer real quick. Okay?
 Ross: Okay.
 Joey: What do you like better action or comedy?
 Ross: Action.
 Joey: Who would you rather sleep with Monica or Rachel?
 (Ross pauses and looks at him, Joey motions for him to hurry up.)
 Ross: Dude, you are sick.
 Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you had that whole Rachel thing.
 [Scene: Monica's eye doctor's office, Monica and Rachel are waiting in an exam room and
 looking at this big white thing used to check eyes. I have no idea what it is, and if an
 ophthalmologist happens to know what that is, let me know.]
 Rachel: Oh my God! What does that thing do?
 Monica: (looks at it more closely) Oh that's an eye removal machine.
 Rachel: All right, I'm outta here!
 Monica: I'm kidding! I'm kidding!
 (Rachel heads for the door but is intercepted by the doctor.)
 The Doctor: Hi Rachel!
 Rachel: Hey!
 The Doctor: I'm Dr. Miller. Monica told me you were a little nervous, but don't
 worry everything's gonna be just fine.
 Rachel: So were done then!
 Dr. Miller: Almost! But first, we gotta start.
 Rachel: Okay.
 Dr. Miller: This is a glaucoma test.
 Rachel: Uh-huh.
 Dr. Miller: Sit down.
 Rachel: Okay.
 Dr. Miller: But your chin here. (She does so.) Now, you'll feel a small puff of
 air in each eye.
 Rachel: (jerks back from the tester) What?!
 Monica: A small puff of air, now come on!
 Dr. Miller: Here we go.
 Rachel: All right.
 Dr. Miller: 1 2 3! (Rachel jerks back on 3.)
 Rachel: I'm sorry. All right, I'll just stay in here this time. (Puts her head
 back.) Okay.
 Dr. Miller: Ready?
 Rachel: Uh-huh.
 Dr. Miller: 1 2  (She flinches on 2 this time.)
 Monica: Y'know what, I'm gonna hold her head.
 Rachel: Okay.
 Dr. Miller: That's okay.
 Monica: Okay. (Monica backs off.)
 Rachel: Okay. Okay!
 Dr. Miller: 1 2! (She flinches again.) (Gives up.) Y'know what? You're
 young; you probably don't have glaucoma.
 Rachel: (really excited) Great!! It was very, very nice to meet you sir--Ow!
 Hey! What are you doing?! Are you crazy! (He took out that thing they use to look at
 people's retinas and looked at Rachel's when she was shaking his hand causing her to
 flinch and scream at him.)
 Dr. Miller: Okay. You've got a small, minor infection in that left eye. I want
 you to take these drops three times a day and you'll be as good as new.


Rachel: Yeah, no, I don't-I don't put things in my eye.
 Dr. Miller: Okay then, I guess we'll see you back here in three months.
 Rachel: Great!
 Dr. Miller: And I'll fit you for a glass eye.
 Rachel: Okay, just give me the damn drops! (Grabs them and storms out.)
 Monica: Dr. Miller? (She covers her right eye and reads from the chart) P E C F
 D.
 Dr. Miller: Very good Monica! You know where they are.
 Monica: I sure do! (She runs over to a drawer, opens it, and grabs a lollipop.)
 (To Rachel) And you don't get one!
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Rachel, Monica, and Joey are there.]
 Rachel: Y'know, I-I gotta tell ya, those eye drops are a miracle. My eye is a
 100% better.
 Monica: They're still in my coat.
 Rachel: Damn!
 Chandler: (entering) Hey!
 Joey: Hey! You ready to go?
 Chandler: Yeah, listen, how cold is it going to be there? Do I need a coat or
 will all these sweater vests be enough? (Holds up 3 of them in different colors.)
 (Monica stares at him.)
 Chandler: What?
 Monica: I love you.
 (There's another continuity error here. Before Monica says I love you, Chandler's
 holding the vests so that you couldn't see the collar, you could see all three, and they
 were folding nicely. After she says the line and the camera cuts back to Chandler, you can
 only see two out of the three, you can see the collar of the top one, and it looks like it
 was folded sloppily, unlike before. Hey, you notice things while spending this much time
 on this!)
 Joey: Man, I wish Ross was coming with us! Y'know? I'm gonna miss him!
 Phoebe: Thanks a lot! I just got that jerk out of my mind!
 Chandler: Hey, so where are we staying? Is the movie putting us up in a big
 hotel suite?
 Joey: Uh no, not really. It's an independent film y'know? So we don't have a
 real big budget. I figured I'd just stay in your room.
 Chandler: I see, but once you get your first paycheck you'll be springing a big
 hotel suite, right? I mean, lead in a movie, they must be paying you a lot?
 Joey: Oh yeah! For every dollar Shutter Speed makes, one penny of it goes right
 in Joey's pocket.
 Chandler: So you don't get paid unless the movie makes money?
 Joey: Did you not hear the plot of the movie? 'She's been dead for ten
 years.' I'm gonna be a millionaire!
 Ross: (entering) Hey!
 Joey: Hey!
 Ross: I just wanna say good-bye to you guys and to see if you guys will
 place a little bet for me, huh? Twenty bucks on black 15.
 Joey: You got it!
 Ross: All right!
 (Joey nods to Chandler, no way!)
 Chandler: All right, bye-bye now!
 Phoebe: Bye!
 Rachel: Bye you guys!
 Joey: Bye-bye!
 Monica: I wanna say good-bye at the car!
 Chandler: Okay!
 Joey: Anybody want to say good-bye to me at the car?
 Rachel: Oh honey, I'll say good-bye to you at the car if you don't mind the
 puss.
 (Pause.)
 Joey: See ya! (Walks out.)
 Rachel: Well, wait a minute! The puss is good! It means it's healing! (Runs
 after him.)
 Ross: Hey Pheebs, what 'cha reading? (Phoebe ignores him) Pheebs? (Turns away)
 Hello? (He sits down next to her and she moves over a bit.) Phoebe? (He moves closer and
 she keeps moving away.) Phoe-Phoebe! (They end up hanging over the arm rest.) Come on! (He
 grabs the magazine away from her.)
 Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see you there.
 Ross: Phoebe, are you, are you mad at me, or something? 'Cause if are please,
 tell me what it is I did!
 Phoebe: Well, if you don't know I can't help you.
 Ross: Well, I don't know.
 Phoebe: Well, I can't help you.
 Ross: Well, whatever it is I'm-I'm very, very sorry. Okay?
 Phoebe: Apology accepted.
 Ross: Okay. So we're, we're good?
 Phoebe: Uh-huh.
 Ross: All right. (Gets up.) I'll uh, I'll see you later, okay?
 Phoebe: (quietly) Bye, fat ass.
 Ross: ALL RIGHT!! Phoebe now come on! Will you please tell me what it is I did
 that mad you so mad at me!
 Phoebe: I don't know! I don't remember!
 Ross: Well if you can't remember, can't we just forget about this?
 Phoebe: Oh no, I am mad at you. I know that much. But, I am sorry about the fat
 ass thing. You actually have a very sweet little hiney.
 (Ross isn't sure what to do with that comment.)
 [Scene: Phoebe's cab, Joey and Chandler are headed across the George Washington bridge
 on their way to Las Vegas. Joey is driving.]
 Joey: Man, I'm getting pretty tired. You're might have to take over soon.
 Chandler: We've been driving for a half-hour, and you haven't looked at the road
 once.


Joey: Don't worry, it's out there! (Just then a horn honks and Joey quickly
 looks at the road.) I think I just need lunch.
 Chandler: Yeah.
 Joey: You wanna eat? (Pulls out the twenty) My treat!
 Chandler: Isn't that Ross's money?
 Joey: Yeah. Okay. Ross's treat! Where do you wanna eat?
 Chandler: I don't know.
 Joey: Ooh, hey, I know how we can decide! All right, uh, I'm gonna ask you a
 bunch of questions and then you have to answer real fast. Okay? So uh, clear your mind
 Clear it right out! Clear it out! Clear!
 Chandler: Okay!
 Joey: Okay, uhh, would you rather be too wet or too dry?
 Chandler: Too dry.
 Joey: Do you believe in ghosts, yes or no?
 Chandler: No!
 Joey: Is this movie gonna be my big break?
 Chandler: No!
 Joey: (shocked) What?!
 Chandler: Yes.
 Joey: Dude you said, 'No!'
 Chandler: I also said, 'Yes!'
 Joey: You don't think this is going to be a big break for me?
 Chandler: No! (Realizes) Ahhh!!!
 Joey: I don't believe this!
 Chandler: Look Joe, I just, I just don't want to get your hopes up real high.
 Joey: What are you talking about?! I'm the lead in a movie!
 Chandler: They're not even paying ya! This doesn't even sound like a real movie!
 Joey: Y'know what? I don't need this! Okay? I don't know why you're dumping all
 over my big break.
 Chandler: Joe, I don't think this is going to be your big break.
 Joey: Is that why you're on this trip, huh? Make me feel like a loser? 'Cause if
 it is, I'll tell ya, I-I-I'd rather be alone.
 Chandler: Oh, you don't want me on the trip?
 Joey: Not if you're gonna be like this!
 Chandler: All right, I'll tell ya what, the next time you ask me a question like
 that I'll lie.
 Joey: Yeah! I don't want you on the trip!
 Chandler: All right, fine! Fine! Why don't you pull over? I'll get out right
 now!
 Joey: Fine! (He slams on the brakes, stopping the car on the bridge to the sound
 of numerous car horns.) Get out!
 Chandler: You're not actually supposed to stop on the bridge.
 Joey: Get out!!
 Chandler: All right!! (Gets out and Joey speeds away.) Wait! Wait, there's no
 sidewalk! Yeah, I'm gonna die here.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica are there. Ross is trying to
 figure out why Phoebe's mad at him.]
 Ross: Okay, are you mad at me because my hair gel smells?
 Phoebe: No.
 Ross: Are you angry at me because I said your handwriting is childlike?
 Phoebe: No that made me feel precious.
 Monica: Oh, I know! Umm, is it because he's always correcting people's grammar?
 Whom! Whom! Sometimes it's who!
 Ross: Yeah? Sometimes it's  (Does the fist thing.)
 Rachel: Oh, did you beat him at a board game? He turns into such a baby when he
 starts to lose.
 Ross: Okay, I'm the baby. (Points at his eye.)
 Rachel: Eh! Stop it!
 Chandler: (entering) Hey!
 Monica: Chandler! What are you doing here?
 Ross: Hey!
 Chandler: Joey kicked me out of the car on the George Washington bridge!
 All: Why?!
 Chandler: I don't know! He went crazy! Y'know, we were playing that game where
 you-you ask a question and you answer it really fast.
 Phoebe: That game should not be played without my supervision.
 Chandler: Well, I don't know what mad him so mad, y'know? All I said was that
 uh, I didn't think this wasn't gonna be his big break, that this movie wasn't going to do
 anything for him, and that uh, y'know it didn't sound like a real movie--Okay, he
 should've pushed me off of the bridge.
 Phoebe: What's in the bag?
 Chandler: Oh, I figured you guys would all be mad at me. So I got you some gifts
 that I found on the side of the road. (Looks into the bag.) Who wants the teddy bear with
 one leg?
 Phoebe: I do!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to apply her eye drops while Monica looks
 on.]
 Rachel: Okay. (She tilts her head back and squeezes the eyedropper. The only
 problem is, it's not over her eye.)
 Monica: Not even close.
 Rachel: Okay, then y'know what? Help me! I need help! I can't do this!
 Monica: Okay! All right! Let's do it!
 Rachel: All right!
 Monica: Sit down. (They sit down on the couch.)
 Rachel: All right.
 Monica: Put your head back.
 Rachel: Yes!
 Monica: All right.
 Rachel: Okay.
 Monica: Now, open your eyes.
 Rachel: Okay, they are. (No they're not.)
 Monica: How many fingers am I holding up? (She's not holding any up.)
 Rachel: (thinks) Four.
 Monica: Oh my God, I was thinking four.
 Rachel: Really?!
 Monica: Yes! All right, y'know what? Why don't we start with a practice run?
 Okay?


Rachel: Okay!
 Monica: No drops!
 Rachel: Great!
 Monica: Okay.
 Rachel: Okay.
 Monica: On three, 1 2 3! (Rachel turns her head on three to avoid the
 drops.) Now my pillow's all wet! (She was trying to fool Rachel and squeezed the
 eyedropper.)
 Rachel: Well, well, you said it was practice!
 Monica: Then why did you move?!
 Rachel: Because I knew you were lying!
 Monica: All right, come here! (She gets up and drags Rachel off of the couch by
 her legs.)
 Rachel: (as she's being dragged) What are you? Monica!! Stop it!! Oh my God!
 Stop it! (Monica drags her totally onto the floor and on her back.)
 Monica: I am going  I'm going--Turn it over! (Rachel rolled onto her
 stomach and Monica rolls her back.) I'm  I am going to get these drops in your eyes.
 (She is holding Rachel down with both hands and has the eyedropper in her mouth.)
 Rachel: Oh my God! You really are freakishly strong!
 (Monica starts biting on the eyedropper, spraying the fluid all over. But Rachel keeps
 turning her head back and forth and Monica keeps missing.)
 Rachel: Monica! Stop it!
 Monica: (spitting out the eyedropper) Damn! It's empty!
 Rachel: Wow, y'know if Joey and Chandler walked in right now, we could make a
 fortune! (Monica is straddling Rachel and holding her arms down. In a rather risque pose,
 at least for primetime TV.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time lapse, Phoebe and Monica are playing cards as the
 phone rings.]
 Phoebe: Ooh that is definitely Chandler, Joey, or Ross. (Thinks) Or-or Rachel!
 Monica: (answers the phone) Hello? (Listens.) (To Phoebe) It's Joey. (Phoebe's
 proud of herself.) (To Joey) I'm so glad you called! Chandler told me what happened.
 Y'know he's really upset about it.
 Joey: (on a pay phone holding a box) Not as upset as he's gonna be when he finds
 out what I did with his sweater vests!
 Monica: What did you do to his sweater vests?
 Joey: Let's just say there's a well-dressed pack of dogs in Ohio. Hey Monica
 listen is-is Phoebe there? I gotta ask her something about the car.
 Monica: Yeah, she's here. Hold on a second. (She hands the phone to Phoebe.)
 Phoebe: Hey, dude!
 Joey: Hey Pheebs! Listen, this wooden box keeps sliding out from under the seat.
 What-what is it?
 Phoebe: Oh that's my grandma. (Joey holds the box away from him.) And thanks
 Joey she's having a really great time. (Joey is happy now.)
 Chandler: (who has just entered) Is that Joey? Is that Joey? Let me talk to him!
 I wanna talk to him!
 Phoebe: Okay Joey? Chandler's here, he was wondering  (We hear the dial
 tone as Joey hangs up.) Okay, I guess he ran out of change.
 Chandler: Y'know, he won't even talk to me. How am I going to apologize to him
 if he won't even talk to me?
 Monica: Well, maybe you should send him something. So that when he gets to Las
 Vegas he'll know that you're sorry.
 Chandler: That's a good idea. I wonder where I could (Pause) get a basket of
 porn
 Phoebe: No, don't-don't say I'm sorry with porn!
 Chandler: Really?
 Phoebe: Y'know what you should send him? A cartoon of cigarettes. 'Cause that
 why he could trade it for protection. No. That's prison.
 Ross: (entering) Okay Pheebs, I know how we're going to figure this out. Okay,
 clear your mind and answer the first thing that comes into your head. Okay?
 Phoebe: Uh-hmm.
 Ross: What do you like better flora or fauna?
 Phoebe: Fauna.
 Ross: Who would you rather be Simon or Garfunkle?
 Phoebe: Garfunkle.
 Ross: Why are you mad at me?
 Phoebe: You said I was boring--Ohh!
 Ross: When did I say you were boring?!
 Phoebe: Oh my God, I remember now! We were playing chess!
 Ross: Phoebe! You and I have never played chess!
 Phoebe: Oh, come on! Yes, remember that time on the frozen lake? We were playing
 chess, you said I was boring, and then you took off your energy mask and you were Cameron
 Diaz! (Realizes) Okay, there's a chance this may have been a dream.
 [Scene: The desert outside of Las Vegas, Joey is arriving and we hear the song, Name.
 Y'know, (singing) I've been through the desert on a horse with no name! It felt good to
 be out of the rain. In the desert, you can't remember your name, 'cause there ain't no one
 for to give you no pain. La la la-la-la, la, la, la, la-la-la. You get the
 idea. Anyhoo, he pulls up and stops. As he gets out of the car, he spills a huge pill of
 fast food containers out of the foot well.]
 Joey: Hey-hey! Stanley! Hey-hey! You're leading man is here! Let's get to work.
 Stanley: Umm, slight change of plans. We've shut down.
 Joey: Wh-what?! Why?!
 Stanley: It's a money thing, we don't have any.
 Joey: (laughs) You're kidding right?
 Stanley: No.


 The One In Vegas
 The One In Vegas
 Part I Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
 Part II Written by: Greg Malins & Scott Silveri
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is sitting in the living room and Phoebe is
 standing in the kitchen as the phone rings.]
 Rachel: Pheebs? Could you get that? Please?
 Phoebe: Why? Just 'cause you're too lazy to get up off your touchie?
 Rachel: No! No! It's just that all the people in the entire world that I
 want to talk to are right here.
 Phoebe: (smiles) Okay! (Goes to answer the phone.)
 Rachel: (under her breath) Sucker!
 Phoebe: (answering the phone) Hello? (Listens) Hey Joey!
 [Cut to Las Vegas, Joey is on the phone and wearing his gladiator costume.]
 Joey: Hey Pheebs! Listen, uh can you do me a favor? I forgot the pin number to
 my ATM card can, can you get it for me?
 Phoebe: Sure! Where is it?
 Joey: Uh, I scratched it on the ATM machine down on the corner.
 Phoebe: Ohh! So you're 5639?!
 Joey: That's it! Thanks Pheebs!
 [Cut to Monica and Rachel's]
 Chandler: (entering) Hey!
 Phoebe: (to Joey) Ooh, do you want to talk to Chandler?
 Chandler: (To Phoebe) Is that Joey?! (She nods yes) Let me talk to him!
 [Cut to Joey]
 Joey: No! (She nods no to Chandler) Because he didn't believe in my movie! Which
 is a big mistake because it is real! Real!
 A Casino Boss: Hey! Tribbiani! Get back to work! Break time's over!
 [Cut to Phoebe]
 Phoebe: Who was that?
 Joey: Uhh, my stunt double. Yeah, and y'know, he's getting a little too familiar
 for my tastes.
 Chandler: (To Phoebe) Y'know what? I have been trying to apologize to him all
 week! If he's not gonna let me do it on the phone, I'm gonna go down there and do it in
 person.
 [Cut to Joey]
 Joey: Uhh Pheebs, I heard that. Can you put him on?
 [Cut to Phoebe]
 Phoebe: Yeah! (She hands the phone to Chandler.)
 Chandler: (To Joey) Hey!
 [Cut to Joey]
 Joey: Don't come out here!
 [Cut to Chandler]
 Chandler: No-no-no-no, I've supported you one hundred percent and I want to
 prove that to you in person!
 [Cut to Joey]
 Joey: I got that! I forgive ya! Don't come out here!
 [Cut to Chandler]
 Chandler: Forgive me? You haven't been taking my calls in a week!
 [Cut to Joey]
 Joey: Well, I'm totally over it Chandler. Friends forever! Don't come out here!
 A Tourist: (To Joey) Would you mind doing a picture with us?
 [Cut to Chandler]
 Chandler: Uh, what was that?
 [Cut to Joey]
 Joey: Uh, Entertainment Tonight. [Cut to Chandler] Yeah, okay so, good
 talking to ya and don't come out here. All right. (Hangs up the phone and poses for that
 picture.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering.]
 Phoebe: Monica! I'm sorry I'm late! (Starts looking around for her) Monica?
 (Goes into Monica's bedroom.)
 Monica: (entering) Phoebe? (Phoebe comes back into the living room) Oh, Phoebe,
 I'm so sorry. Have you been here long?
 Phoebe: (saddened) It's okay. What the hell took you so long?
 Monica: Okay, you can not tell Chandler. Okay? That I ran into Richard.
 Phoebe: Which Richard?
 Monica: The Richard.
 Phoebe: Richard Simmons?! Oh my God!
 Monica: Noo! My ex-boyfriend Richard! Y'know the tall guy, moustache?
 Phoebe: Oh! Okay, that actually makes more sense. So how was it?
 Monica: It was, it was really nice. We started talking and I-I ended up having
 lunch with him.
 Phoebe: That is so weird! I had a dream that you'd have lunch with Richard.
 Monica: Really?
 Phoebe: But again, Simmons. Go on.
 Monica: The strange part was, he was really nice, umm and he looks great, but I
 didn't feel anything at all!
 Phoebe: Ooh! So now why can't we tell Chandler?
 Monica: Because it would totally freak him out and tomorrow's our anniversary. I
 just don't want anything to spoil that.
 Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you guys lasted a whole year!
 Monica: I know.
 Phoebe: Wow! I owe Rachel 20 bucks!
 Monica: What?
 Phoebe: On a totally different bet.
 Chandler: (entering) Hey!
 Monica: It's almost our anniversary!
 Chandler: I know. Can you believe it? One year ago today I was just your
 annoying friend Chandler.
 Phoebe: Awww! Now you're just my annoying friend Chandler.
 Chandler: Huh.
 Monica: I got you a present!
 Chandler: Oh, but it's not 'til tomorrow!
 Monica: I know, but you have to open it today! (Hands it too him.)
 Chandler: Okay.
 (He starts taking his time opening it. Finally Monica snaps.)
 Monica: (grabbing the gift from him and opening it) Okay! There you go! It's two
 tickets to Vegas!
 Chandler: Wow!
 Monica: For this weekend! Oh gosh, it would be perfect, we get to see Joey plus
 we get to start our anniversary celebration on the plane. We can call it out
 plane-aversary.


Chandler: Do we have to?
 Monica: No.
 Chandler: Okay this is great, but Joey said he didn't want any of us out there.
 Monica: Oh, he just doesn't want us to go through any trouble. Think of how
 excited he'll be when we go out and surprise him! Plus we get to have our own,
 ani-Vegas-ary! A-Nevadaversary!
 Chandler: Yeah, I think we should see other people.
 Monica: But we can go, right?
 Chandler: Yes.
 Monica: Okay!
 Chandler: It's a great idea. (They kiss)
 Phoebe: Okay, I'm gonna go too!
 Chandler: Y'know Pheebs, it's kinda our (His and Monica's) anniversary.
 Phoebe: Oh please, you are not gonna ditch again like you did with London.
 Monica: Ditch you? Phoebe, you were pregnant with the triplets!
 Phoebe: Uh-huh, great story! I'm going!
 Rachel: (entering with Ross) Hi!
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Ross: Hey!
 Phoebe: Hey, you guys, listen, this weekend we're all gonna go to Las Vegas to
 surprise Joey! Including me!! You wanna go?!
 Rachel: Well, I guess I could take a couple days off work.
 Phoebe: Of course you can take a couple days off work because this trip includes
 me!
 Rachel: Oh no, wait a minute, wait, I've got a presentation tomorrow. I can't
 miss that.
 Ross: Oh, but I've got tickets to the Van Gogh exhibit! I've been waiting like a
 year for this.
 Chandler: (coughing) Art lover!
 Ross: What'd you say?
 Chandler: I said art lover.
 Ross: Is that supposed to be an insult?
 Chandler: I don't know, I'm very tired.
 Ross: So Rach, maybe you and I could fly out together Saturday.
 Rachel: That sounds great.
 Ross: Yeah? All right I'll call the airlines. (Picks up the phone and does so)
 Rachel: Okay. Yeah, that would be nice actually, to have the apartment to myself
 for a night.
 Phoebe: Oh yeah, so you can walk around naked.
 Rachel: No! So I can be by myself. Y'know? Have a little alone time.
 Phoebe: Naked alone time.
 Rachel: No! Phoebe just because I'm alone doesn't mean I wanna walk around
 naked. I mean, you live alone, you don't walk around naked.
 Phoebe: Uh-huh! Why do you think it takes me so long to answer the door?
 [Scene: An airplane cabin, Phoebe has the aisle seat, Chandler the window, and Monica's
 stuck in that horrible middle seat.]
 Phoebe: So, so far is this trip to Vegas better or worse than the trip to
 London?
 Chandler: So it's pretty much the same Pheebs.
 Phoebe: Okay, what about after I give you these candies? (Hands them each one
 from her purse.)
 Chandler: Yeah, I guess it's a little better now.
 Phoebe: Ah-ha! Okay, (takes out a notepad) Las Vegas 1, London 0! I'll be right
 back. (Gets up and heads aft.)
 Chandler: (To Monica) Happy plane-aversary.
 Monica: Aww! I love you!
 Chandler: Can I give you a present now?
 Monica: Okay!
 Chandler: Okay! (He grabs his carryon and starts rummaging through it.) Oh man!
 Don't tell me I did this!
 Monica: I love the 'I forgot the present' fake out!
 Chandler: How do you feel about the, 'I really did forgot the present,
 please forgive me' not fake out?
 Monica: Oh that's okay. Don't worry about it, you can give it to me when we
 get back.
 Chandler: Ohh that's the worse thing that can happen on an anniversary
 ever!
 Phoebe: (sitting down) Oh good! All right, so you decided to tell him about the
 Richard thing.
 Chandler: What-what Richard thing?
 Phoebe: Oh no. [The patented version.]
 Chandler: What Richard thing?
 Phoebe: (To Monica under her breath) Simmons! Go with Simmons!
 Monica: Okay, I umm, I ran into Richard yesterday and he asked me if I wanted to
 go for a bite and I did. The only reason I didn't tell you is because I knew you'd get mad
 and I didn't want to spoil our anniversary.
 Chandler: (talking out of the side of his mouth) I'm not mad.
 Monica: Really?!
 Chandler: Oh yeah! Yeah, so you-you bumped into Richard! You grabbed a bite!
 It's no big deal. (He still ain't happy.)
 Monica: Great!
 (Pause.)
 Phoebe: Okay, London 1
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is coming out of the bathroom after a shower
 wearing only her bath robe, walks into the kitchen, and opens the fridge. As she bends
 over to grab a bottle of wine, her robe falls open (Damn this network primetime
 programming, we didn't see anything!) and she quickly closes it again. But then realizes
 she didn't have to do that. So she closes the fridge and stands next to the table, thinks
 about it for a little while and ]
 Rachel: (takes off her robe) Oh! Look what happened! (Don't get your hopes up
 guys, we only get to see her from the back or from the neck up. Its times like these I
 wish that the networks would broadcast some nudity other than Denis Franz's butt.) (In her
 head.) Huh, check me out! I'm in my kitchen naked! I'm picking up an orange. (Does
 so) I'm naked! (Goes into the living room) Lighting the candles, naked, and
 carefully. (She backs anything that might have a point like a candle on her body
 away.)
 [Cut to Ross's apartment, he's sitting by his window looking at an art book. As he's
 turning the page, he glances up and notices something.]