Ross: What?!
 Rachel: Clearly you don't want people to see this tape. Now I don't
 want people to see this tape either, but you so badly don't people to see it makes me
 want to see it. You see?
 Joey: (confused) Are we watchin' the tape or not?!
 Ross: I don't want people to see it for your sake.
 Rachel: Ahh, I don't believe you. I think you don't want them to see
 you begging me. (Goes to put the tape in the VCR)
 Ross: Rachel, please
 Rachel: Ah, a little preview!
 Ross: Fine. Fine, but I want the record to show that I tried to take the high
 road, because in about five minutes I'm gonna be saying (He laughs and points at
 Rachel sarcastically.)
 (They both sit down.)
 Rachel: Okay, here we go. (Pushes play.)
 Ross: (on tape) Hello! Can I get you anything?
 Joey: (To Phoebe) I'm so happy!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the scene is continued from earlier.]
 Rachel: (on tape) Oh, thank God you're here! You have to help me! Were you
 just talking to yourself?
 Rachel: There I am.
 Phoebe: You're gonna get pregnant.
 Rachel: (on tape) I screwed up so bad, I told Monica that I would stuff and send
 all these wedding invitations like weeks ago and I-I
 Ross: (on tape) You didn't do it?
 Rachel: (on tape) I-I know I had put them in in-in my desk at work and
 I completely forgot about them until today.
 (Chandler is shocked and Rachel gets scared of Monica very quickly.)
 Monica: (taking Rachel's hand) Sweetie okay. It's okay. Everybody made
 it to the wedding. I'm fine.
 Rachel: Kinda hurtin' my hand though.
 Monica: I know.
 Rachel: (on tape) (Ross hands her a glass of wine) I cannot believe that I did
 this. Especially after Monica just went on and on and on about it! (Mimicking Monica)
 'Okay Rachel! Here are the invitations Rachel! Now be very careful Rachel! Please,
 drinking no liquids around the invitations Rachel!' (She tilts her wine glass above
 and moves it back and forth across the invitations) Whoa oh! Oh-oh-oh!
 Oh oh-oh-oh
 (Rachel hits fast forward. Monica is completely shocked.)
 Chandler: Did you do it on our invitations?!
 Ross: (pause) Not on the ones we sent out.
 Chandler: So, just the ones gave back to us and we had framed! (Slams the framed
 invitation down onto the table.)
 (Rachel stops fast forwarding.)
 Rachel: (on tape) Can you believe this is already happening? I mean it seems
 like yesterday they just got engaged.
 Ross: (on tape) I know. Hey remember remember the night they got engaged?
 How uh, you and I almost
 Rachel: (on tape) Oh, I remember how we almost. Do you think we would've
 gone through with it? Y'know, if we hadn't gotten caught. Do you think we
 would've done it?
 Ross: (on tape) I mean I I know I wanted to. I just, I just wasn't
 sure if you wanted to.
 Rachel: (on tape) Oh I wanted to.
 (Ross and Rachel trade looks while watching the tape.)
 Ross: (on tape) So we we both wanted to.
 Rachel: (on tape) Interesting.
 Ross: (on tape) Yeah. (Pause) Anyway umm, it probably worked out for the best.
 Rachel: (on tape) Oh yeah, sure.
 Rachel: Okay, in about ten seconds you're gonna see him kiss me.
 Ross: And in about five seconds you're gonna see why.
 Rachel: (on tape) Ross did I ever tell you about the time that I went
 backpacking through Western Europe?
 (Joey's shocked and everyone else looks at Rachel.)
 Rachel: Okay, get ready to see some beggin'!
 Phoebe: Oh, you came on to Ross!
 Rachel: What?!
 Ross: Now I'm so happy.
 Rachel: What are you talking about?!
 Monica: You used the Europe story!
 Chandler: That's the magic story you use when you wanna have sex!
 Rachel: How do you know about that story?!
 Joey: How do you know about that story?!
 Rachel: I heard it from my friend Irene who heard it from some guy!
 Joey: (raises his hand) Some guy!! (Points to himself.)
 Rachel: No. No, she told me his name was Ken Adams.
 Joey: (raises his hand and points to himself again) Ken Adams!!
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is looking at the tape sitting on the counter as Ross
 enters.]
 Ross: Hi.
 Rachel: So uh, apparently people are familiar with the Europe story?
 Ross: Yeah. Listen about that, the whole uh, who came on to who thing really
 doesn't matter. I mean, I think it would've happened either way. I mean if you
 hadn't initiated it I-I-I know I would've.
 Rachel: It was an amazing night.
 Ross: It was. It was an amazing night.
 (Pause)
 Rachel: You think it looked amazing?
 Ross: I uh  I don't know. I mean I I honestly didn't watch
 it.
 Rachel: Yeah, me neither. Yet
 Ross: Uhhhhhh that-that may be weird.
 Rachel: Yeah, it would be really weird.
 (Ross grabs the tape and heads for the VCR as Rachel goes over and puts the chain on
 the door and locks it.)


 The One With Rachel's Date
 The One With Rachel's Date
 Written by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica's Restaurant Kitchen, she is frantically working and is handing two
 finished dishes to a waitress.]
 Monica: Okay, now this one is rare, this one is medium well! Now go-go-go!
 (Phoebe enters) Hey Phoebe!
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Monica: Hey how was dinner?!
 Phoebe: Dinner was good!
 Monica: Okay!
 Phoebe: I'm just saying hi! Now I'm gonna go!
 Monica: Okay!
 (Phoebe turns to leave but notices an attractive man.)
 Phoebe: (To him) Oh, well hello there.
 Guy: Hi.
 Phoebe: (To Monica) I didn't see this on the menu.
 Monica: Uh Tim? This is Phoebe. Phoebe this is Tim, my new sous chef.
 Phoebe: Oh, so you're Monica's boss?
 Tim: Actually she's my-my boss. Sous is French for under.
 Phoebe: Oh! I sous stand.
 Monica: Hey Tim? I need a calamari and a Caesar salad. And umm, could you get me
 the pesto?
 Tim: Yeah.
 Phoebe: Oh you you made pesto?
 Tim: Yes I did.
 Phoebe: Would you say your pesto is the best-o?
 Tim: I I-I don't know, but I would say it's pretty good-o.
 (Phoebe laughs too hard.)
 (Monica goes over and grabs the pesto.)
 Monica: All right, I still need a calamari and a Caesar salad.
 Tim: I like your necklace.
 Phoebe: I made it myself.
 Tim: You are so talented.
 Phoebe: Well, it's no pesto.
 Monica: All right, all right! Let's just cut to the chase, okay? (To
 Phoebe) You're single. (To Tim) You're single. (To Phoebe) He gets off work at
 eleven. (To Tim) She'll be waiting for your call. (To Phoebe) I'll give him your
 number if I can get one calamari and one Caesar salad!! (Everyone in the kitchen stops.) I
 did not yell. I am not putting a dollar in the jar.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Chandler's Office, he's working at his computer as his boss, Mr.
 Franklin, sticks his head in.]
 Mr. Franklin: Wow Bing! Burning the midnight oil.
 Chandler: You know me sir. Oh ah, I do have a question for ya. Do you know how I
 get around the office computer network so I can access the really good Internet porn?
 Mr. Franklin: You're a joker Bing. (Walks away.)
 Chandler: What's funny about that?
 Ross: (running up) Hey! Sorry I kept you waiting so long.
 Chandler: Hey that's okay. So, where do you want to go?
 Ross: Oh ah, I think you know where I want to go.
 Chandler: The Hard Rock Cafe?
 Ross: Yeah!
 Chandler: Again?!
 Ross: Yeah!!
 (They go out to the elevators.)
 Ross: I'm telling you, I like the food!
 Chandler: You like the Purple Rain display! (A guy walks up.) Hey Bob.
 Bob: Hey Toby! Have a good night. (Walks by.)
 Ross: Did that guy just call you Toby?
 Chandler: Yeah, he thinks that's my name.
 Ross: Well, why don't you correct him?
 Chandler: Oh it's been going on way to long now. Y'know, I mean the
 first time he said it we were just passing each other in the hallway, so I didn't say
 anything. And then the next time he said, 'Hey Toby, do you want a donut?' And
 I-I wanted a donut. And now it's five years later, the donut's gone and I'm
 still Toby.
 Ross: Five years?! Chandler you have to tell him!
 Chandler: No! That would be so awkward! Look Besides, we work in different
 departments. He's on the sixth floor y'know? So he calls me Toby once in a
 while. What's the big deal? It could be worse, it's not like he's calling
 me Muriel. (Chandler suddenly freezes into place.)
 Ross: (laughs) Muriel. Wh-why would he call you Muriel? (Ross realizes
 something.) Oh my God! Chandler M Bing? It's not just an M, your middle name
 is Muriel!!
 Chandler: Shh! It is a family name!
 Ross: Chandler Muriel Bing. Boy, your parents never gave you a chance did they?
 [Scene: Days Of Our Lives set, Joey is doing a scene with a co-star as Rachel
 watches on a monitor.]
 Joey's Co-Star: Drake, I've discovered the reason for all your headaches
 and memory loss.
 Dr. Drake Ramoray: What is it?
 Joey's Co-Star: Apparently your brain transplant was not entirely successful. It
 seems your body is rejecting Jessica's brain.
 Dr. Drake Ramoray: Is it serious?
 Joey's Co-Star: Not if we extract tissue from the original host body, synthesize
 antibodies, and introduce them into your system, which could stop it from rejecting the
 brain.
 Dr. Drake Ramoray: Well that sounds simple enough, let's just do that.
 Joey's Co-Star: We would, but when we went to exhume Jessica's body, it was
 gone.
 (Dramatic music plays and Joey does a little  Smell-the-fart' acting.)
 Director: Cut! Very nice people!
 Joey: (To Rachel) Okay, let me just get changed and we can go to dinner.


Rachel: Well don't What happened to Jessica's body?!
 Joey: I'm not telling, you'll have to see it on TV!
 Rachel: You don't know do you?
 Joey: No, couldn't care less.
 Joey's Co-Star: Hey good scene man.
 Joey: Hey you too!
 Joey's Co-Star: Alright.
 (Rachel clears her throat.)
 Joey: What? You weren't in it.
 Rachel: Oh! (Motions to Joey's co-star.)
 Joey: Oh sorry. Uh-uh, Kash?
 Kash: Yes?
 Joey: This is my friend Rachel. Rachel, Kash, Kash, Rachel.
 Rachel: Hi.
 Kash: Hey! How come I haven't seen you here before?
 Rachel: Well, Joey probably thinks I'll just embarrass him. Y'know, he
 thinks I'm some kind of a soap opera nut Which I'm not! I'm not.
 Although I do know that your uh, your favorite ice cream flavor is butter pecan. (Starts
 stroking his arm) And uh, and that your-your dog's name is Wally. Well look at that,
 I'm just stroking your arm.
 Joey: (grabbing her) Here we go! Here we go! (Starts to pull her away from
 Kash.)
 Rachel: Oh, we're leaving. Bye Kash.
 Kash: Bye.
 Rachel: Say hi to Wally.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Monica is getting coffee as Phoebe enters.]
 Phoebe: Ooh Monica!
 Monica: Hi!
 Phoebe: Oh my God! I had the best time with Tim last night. He is so
 sweet! Oh, I can't wait to get sous-neath him.
 Monica: I I have to fire him.
 Phoebe: But why?!
 Monica: Because he's terrible! Okay, he's slow, he burns things, last
 night he lit my pastry chef on fire!
 Phoebe: Well maybe he was just nervous, y'know you can be very
 intimidating. And besides I've met your pastry chef and she can stand to be taken
 down a peg or two.
 Monica: Well, now she has no eyebrows, mission accomplished.
 Phoebe: But Monica, he loves his job so much! Can you just give him another
 chance? Please?
 Monica: (thinks about it) All right, but if-if he lights someone else on fire he
 is out of there!
 Phoebe: That's fair! Thank you so much. Thanks. Oops, it looks like when he
 got the pastry chef he got you a little bit too.
 Monica: I paid to have this done.
 Phoebe: Love it!
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is eating at the counter as Joey enters.]
 Joey: Hey!
 Rachel: Hi!
 Joey: Oh you know uh Kash, really liked you the other day. He said he thought
 you were charming.
 Rachel: I thought I was a complete idiot.
 Joey: Hey, I'm with you. He even asked me if I thought you'd go out
 with him.
 Rachel: Oh! Oh, I think I'm gonna throw up a little bit. What did you say?
 Joey: I said no.
 Rachel: What?!
 Joey: What? I I just figured since you're pregnant you're not
 gonna be seeing people.
 Rachel: Okay Joey, first of all Kash Ford is not people. Second of all, what did
 he say when you told him I was pregnant?
 Joey: I didn't tell him. I didn't know if you were telling people.
 This is back when I thought Kash was still people.
 Rachel: Good-good, don't tell him. Don't tell him. Just have him call
 me okay?
 Joey: Rach look, I really don't think that's such a great
 Rachel: Okay, you go do it! I'll come back to that set! I'll meet more
 actors! I'll meet  em all!
 [Scene: Chandler's Office Building, Chandler is walking by the elevators and sees
 Bob standing there.]
 Chandler: Hey Bob.
 Bob: Hey! How's my pal Toby doing today?
 Chandler: If I see him, I'll ask.
 Bob: (laughs) Toby!
 (The elevator doors opens, Bob boards the elevator, Chandler walks away, and Mr.
 Franklin steps out of the elevator.)
 Mr. Franklin: Hey-hey! Bing? Was that Bob from six you were just talking too?
 Chandler: Yeah!
 Mr. Franklin: Oh then you know each other.
 Chandler: We're on a semi-first name basis.
 Mr. Franklin: What do you think of adding him to our team?
 Chandler: Bob? Ooh, working here with us? Everyday? Yeah, I don't know if
 he has what it takes.
 Mr. Franklin: Really? They love him down on six.
 Chandler: But this is eleven. It's almost twice as hard up here.
 Mr. Franklin: Okay, I hear you loud and clear. Bob will stay put.
 Chandler: I think it's best sir.
 Mr. Franklin: But we really do need to find someone up here. The work is
 starting to pile up. I've got a stack of documents on my desk this high. (Holds his
 hand at shoulder level.)
 Chandler: Y'know what you should do, just toss  em in the shedder and
 claim you never got  em.
 Mr. Franklin: (laughs) That's a good one. (Walks away.)
 Chandler: What does a guy have to do to be taken seriously around
 here?!
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is in the kitchen as Phoebe enters.]
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Monica: Hey. Okay, I gave him another chance, but Tim has got to go!


Phoebe: But
 Monica: No! No-no! He is totally incompetent. I called the chef who recommended
 him to me. He said, 'Ha-ha! Gotcha!'
 Phoebe: Okay. Okay, but you can't fire him today.
 Monica: Why not?!
 Phoebe: Because I'm dumping him today.
 Monica: What?! You said he was sweet!
 Phoebe: He is sweet. He's too sweet. He calls me all the time.
 (Mimicking him) 'So did-did you get home from work okay?' 'Did-did you get
 out of the shower okay?'
 Monica: Just don't pick up your phone.
 Phoebe: Then he comes over! (Mimicking him) 'I'm so worried about
 you.' Uck! Be a man!
 Monica: What? So now I'm not allowed to fire him?
 Phoebe: You can't fire him and dump him the same day, he'll kill
 himself.
 Monica: Okay well then, I'll fire him today and you go out with him for
 another week.
 Phoebe: Are you kidding?! Another week with that sip, I'll kill myself!
 Monica: Okay well, then we'll both do it today and he'll just have to
 deal with it!
 Phoebe: Okay. But the question is who's gonna go first.  Cause whoever
 goes second is the bitch.
 Monica: What do you mean?
 Phoebe: Come on! The boss that fires a guy that's just been dumped, bitch!
 And the woman who dumps a guy that's just been fired, blond bitch!
 Monica: I wanted to do this days ago so I think I should go first.
 Phoebe: All right, that makes sense. (Starts towards the door.) Ugh.
 But Screw you I'm going first! (She grabs her purse and runs out.)
 [Scene: Chandler's Office Building, Bob is standing at the elevators and sees
 Chandler walk up.]
 Bob: Hey Toby, you got a sec?
 Chandler: Sure, what's up?
 Bob: I just had a meeting, I was actually hoping to get transferred up here, but
 I just found out its not gonna happen. Apparently somebody thinks I'm not eleventh
 floor material. Say uh, who the hell is this Chandler?
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is getting ready for her date and Joey is reading a
 magazine.]
 Rachel: Hey, what do you think is a better excuse for why I'm not drinking
 on this date tonight. 'Umm, I'm a recovering alcoholic. I'm a Mormon,'
 or 'I got so hammered last night I'm still a little drunk?'
 Ross: (entering with a pizza and beer) Hey!
 Rachel: Hi!
 Joey: Hey!
 Ross: So, what do you want to do tonight? There's a Ukrainian film at the
 Angelica that's supposed to be very powerful. Interested?
 Joey: No. No. But I'll go see a normal person movie with ya.
 Ross: Rach? You wanna come?
 Rachel: Oh no, I can't. I got a date.
 Ross: A date?
 Rachel: Yeah. Why? Is that weird for you?
 Ross: Why no, it's the opposite of weird. It's-it's uh, regular.
 It's-it's uh, it's mundane. It's actually uh, a little dull.
 Joey: It's no Ukrainian film.
 Rachel: Yeah Ooh! Earrings! (Goes into her room.)
 Ross: A date?! She's-she's got a date?! With who?
 Joey: I set her up with this actor on my show.
 Ross: You set her up?!
 Joey: No
 Ross: Joey what-what were you thinking?!
 Joey: Well, I was thinking that it'd probably be okay because Ross
 hasn't gone out with Rachel in five years!
 Ross: Joey, I'm not worried about her! I'm worried about my baby!
 Whoever she dates my baby dates! Now-now where is this (makes the quote-marks sign) actor
 taking them?
 Joey: Hey! I'm an (does the quote-marks thing as well) actor too! I'm
 not sure. I think they're taking the ferry out to some Italian place on Staten
 Island.
 Ross: A ferry? My baby is going on a ferry? Do you have any idea how dangerous
 those are?!
 Joey: Are we talking about one of those big boats that carry cars that go like
 five miles an hour?
 Ross: Why don't they just jump out of an airplane?! Huh?! That-that's
 a fun date! Or burn each other with matches?! That's fun too! Whew!!
 (There's a knock on the door and Joey answers it.)
 Kash: Hey Joey.
 Joey: Hey Kash. Uh hey-hey this is Ross. Ross, this is Kash.
 Kash: Hey.
 Ross: Hi. I-I hear you're going on a ferry tonight.
 Kash: Yeah.
 Ross: A bit of a daredevil are we?
 Rachel: (entering from her room) Hey guys do you think this is too
 slutty Hi Kash!
 Kash: Hey Rachel! You ready to go?
 Rachel: Yeah! All right, I'll see you guys later.
 Ross: Okay. Have a great time you guys.
 Rachel: Thank you.
 Kash: Thank you.
 Ross: Yes it is too slutty! (Joey slams the door before Rachel could hear the
 entire sentence.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is reading a magazine as Tim enters.]
 Tim: (walks behind Phoebe) Hi! (And startles her.)
 Phoebe: Hi.
 Tim: Oh, I'm so glad you called. I feel like it's always me calling
 you. So, what's up? Is everything okay with Phoebe?


Phoebe: It will be in a minute. Listen, Tim you're a really great guy.
 Tim: It's because I'm with you.
 Phoebe: Aw. (Phoebe gets a bad taste in her mouth when he looks away) I'm
 just I'm in a place in my life right now where I I
 (Tim's beeper goes off and he answers it.)
 Tim: Whoops. Sorry. (Looking at it, like a newscaster) This just in. (Phoebe
 fake laughs.) Oh, it's 9-1-1 from the restaurant, that means Monica needs me right
 away. (Starts to leave.)
 Phoebe: Oh-oh no she doesn't! I know what that is. You can stay.
 Tim: Awww, I'll miss you too Pheebs. (Starts to leave) And I will be
 holding you, right here. (Holds his hands over his heart, blows a kiss to Phoebe who
 catches it, and then leaves and Phoebe throws the kiss back.)
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are having dinner.]
 Joey: So what movie do you want to see And not another one I have to read.
 Okay? I get enough of that from books.
 Ross: Books?
 Joey: All right, car magazines, cereal boxes, but it's like enough!
 Ross: Well, I tell you what. Why don't we uh, why don't we just stay
 here? Let's not see a movie, we'll just hang.
 Joey: And just wait for Rachel to come back from her date?
 Ross: Hey, if that's what you want to do I'm not gonna say no.
 Joey: Dude! What is going on?!
 Ross: I just I have to find out how it went.
 Joey: Why?
 Ross: This guy could be my baby's stepfather!
 Joey: They go on one date and you're worried about them getting married?!
 He's not you!
 Ross: I just I-I can't believe she's-she's dating?!
 Joey: Well Ross, what did you think she was gonna do?
 Ross: I don't know! I guess I just can't believe any of this is
 happening.
 Joey: What do you mean?
 Ross: It's just I always thought when I had another kid it would be
 different. Now I-I love Ben, but every time I have to drop him off at Carol and
 Susan's, it's like It breaks my heart a little. I mean I've always had
 this picture of me and my next wife in bed on Sunday and, my kid comes running in and
 leaps up onto the bed. And we all read the paper together. Y'know? Maybe fight over
 the science section.
 Joey: That's a nice picture. Maybe you can still have that!
 Ross: No! No I can't. I mean Rachel's out with some guy. My baby went
 with her. If anything that picture keeps moving further away.
 Joey: Hey, can I ask you something? In this, in this picture of you and your
 wife, is your wife Rachel?
 Ross: It used to be. Now she doesn't really have a face. Smokin' body
 though.
 Joey: Good call. Yeah. But, the face Ross, the face isn't Rachel.
 Ross: No but ahh! How much easier would it be if it were?
 Joey: I know, but I don't think that's what she wants.
 Ross: No, it's not what I want either. I mean I-I can't force myself
 to fall in love with her again now.
 Joey: That's okay Ross maybe you need a new picture. Okay? It's not
 gonna be what you thought, but no matter what there's gonna be a brand new little
 baby, your baby. Who cares what the picture looks like?
 Ross: Yeah.
 Joey: Hey, I tell you what. Let's you and me go out and have some fun. Huh?
 Whatever you want. Come on!
 Ross: (checks his watch) We can still catch that Ukrainian film.
 Joey: No, I said fun!
 [Scene: Outside Chandler's Office, Chandler is just about to go into his office
 when Bob calls for him from behind.]
 Bob: Hey Toby!
 Chandler: Hey Bobby.
 Bob: It's Bob actually. Hey, you work up here, can you tell me where this
 Chandler Bing's office is?
 Chandler: Uhh yeah. Yeah, it's (Points down the hall) right, right down
 there. (When he has Bob looking down the hall, he turns around and knocks his nameplate
 off of his door.) Right there, yeah. Can I ask you why?
 Bob: I want to talk to that bastard, see what his problem is.
 Chandler: Okay Bob listen uhh, I'm the reason you didn't get the job
 up here.
 Bob: Toby don't.
 Chandler: Bob!
 Bob: Toby! I'm not gonna let you cover for him. Anything you say right now
 will just get me more upset with Chandler!
 Chandler: Well that puts me in a difficult position.
 [Scene: Monica's Restaurant Kitchen, Monica is waiting for Tim who enters.]
 Monica: Hey.
 Tim: I got your page, is everything okay?
 Monica: Uh well that depends, how are things with Phoebe?
 Tim: Oh it's great! It's great! Thank you so much for introducing us!
 Monica: Oh my pleasure. Okay, I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
 (Phoebe enters.) Phoebe!
 Phoebe: Monica!


 The One With The Halloween Party
 The One With The Halloween Party
 Written by: Mark Kunerth
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Chandler and Monica enter. Oh, and Joey is
 wearing a FDNY T-shirt to make this the first nod to the tragedy that Friends have made.]
 Monica: Hey you guys?
 Ross: What?
 Monica: I know it's last minute, but we decided to have a Halloween party.
 Phoebe: Oh good! (And there's general excitement.)
 Monica: And everybody has to wear costumes. (And there's general
 disconcertment.) Come on! It'll be fun!
 Ross: Well, I'll-I'll be there. I mean I have to wear a costume to all
 my classes that day anyway so
 Rachel: Please tell me you're not gonna dress up like a dinosaur.
 Ross: (exhales sarcastically) Not two years in a row.
 Joey: Look, I'll come to the party but I'm not dressing up.
 Monica: You have to!
 Joey: No way! Look, Halloween is so stupid! Dressing up, pretending to be
 someone you're not
 Chandler: You're an actor!
 Monica: So Ross, are you gonna bring Mona?
 Ross: Yeah. Yeah, I think I will.
 Joey: That hot girl from their wedding?
 Ross: Yeah.
 Joey: Well hey-hey if she needs any idea for costumes, she could be a bikini
 model, or a slutty nurse, or a sexy cheerleader huh Ooh-ooh, Leatherface from The
 Texas Chainsaw Massacre No-no-no! Slutty Leatherface.
 Phoebe: Now wasn't Joey hitting on her at the wedding too?
 Ross: That's right! He was hitting on her, and I got her. I guess
 the better man won. (To Joey) Please don't take her from me.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: A Street, Phoebe is walking down it and passes Ursula.]
 Phoebe: Ursula! (Ursula turns, smiles, and continues walking.) Wait! Err-err,
 it's me! Phoebe!
 Ursula: Oh, I thought there was a mirror there. Okay, bye-bye. (Starts to walk
 again.)
 Phoebe: Wait a second! So, what's new with you?
 Ursula: Umm, nothing. I mean, I'm getting married next week.
 Phoebe: What?!
 Ursula: Yeah! Yeah, it's gonna be a small ceremony. Just family. (Phoebe
 looks at her.) His.
 Phoebe: Huh. Okay. Well, I'm really happy for you. (Starts to walk away.)
 Ursula: Wait! If umm, if you want to come, I guess that'd be okay.
 Phoebe: Really?
 Ursula: Sure! Why not? You could be my sister for the day.
 Phoebe: Yeah. Okay. Umm, y'know, my friends are having a Halloween party
 tonight at my old apartment so, you could come. Maybe I could meet the guy you're
 marrying.
 Ursula: Huh. Well, I'm supposed to be working at the restaurant tonight.
 I'm supposed to be working right now, so who cares.
 Phoebe: By the way, it's a costume party.
 Ursula: Oh! Okay, so that's why you're  (Motions to what
 she's wearing.)
 Phoebe: (looks down) No. But thanks. (Walks away.)
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, The Halloween party has started. Monica is setting out
 some food as Rachel enters.]
 Rachel: Hi!
 Monica: Wait! You're supposed to wear a costume!
 Rachel: I am! I am a woman who spent a lot of money on a dress and she wants to
 wear it, because soon she won't be able to fit into it.
 Monica: Oh.
 Rachel: Ahh!
 Monica: I'm Catwoman, who wants to borrow the dress when you're too
 big for it.
 Rachel: Okay.
 (There's a knock on the door.)
 Kids: Trick or treat!
 Rachel: Oh! Oh! Can I give out the candy? I really want to be with the kids
 right now. Y'know, ever since I got pregnant I-I have the strongest maternal
 instincts.
 Kids: Trick or treat!!
 Rachel: (to them) Just a minute!!! (She takes the candy and opens the door to
 two parents, a witch, a clown, and a cowgirl.) Look at you guys! Wow! You are a very scary
 witch. (Gives her candy.)
 Witch: Thank you.
 Rachel: And you are a very funny clown. (Gives him candy.)
 Clown: Thank you.
 Rachel: (to the cowgirl) And you are so in style right now. Y'know, I work
 at Ralph Lauren and the whole fall line has got this like equestrian theme going
 on. I don't suppose you saw the cover of British Vogue, but
 Cowgirl: (interrupting) Can I just have the candy?
 Rachel: Yeah. Sure. (Throws some in her bag and she walks away as Phoebe,
 dressed as Supergirl walks up and eyes Monica who eyes her back.)
 Phoebe: Ah, Catwoman. So we meet again.
 Monica: So we do Supergirl.
 Phoebe: No, it's me. Phoebe!
 Chandler: (entering from the bedroom wearing a big, pink bunny costume) Monica!
 Can I talk to you for a second? Listen, I appreciate you getting me the costume
 Rachel: (To Monica) Oh, you did this to him?
 Monica: What?! I thought he'd love it! His favorite kid's book was the Velveteen
 Rabbit!
 Chandler: The Velveteen Rabbit was brown and white!
 Monica: Well, it was either a pink bunny or no bunny at all.


Chandler: No bunny at all!! Always no bunny at all!!!
 Joey: (entering) Hey!
 Monica: You didn't dress up either?!
 Joey: Yes I did! I'm Chandler. (Looks at Chandler) Dude, what happened?
 Chandler: How is that me?
 Joey: Okay. I'm Chandler (makes a growling/gurgling sound at the end and
 the girls laugh.)
 Phoebe: (To Chandler) That is so you!
 Chandler: When have I ever done that?!
 Joey: When have I ever done that?! (And does the sound again.)
 (There's a knock on the door.)
 Girl: Trick or treat!
 Rachel: Oh! (Opens the door to reveal a ballerina) Well you're just the
 prettiest ballerina I've ever seen.
 Ballerina: Thank you. (Pirouettes.)
 Rachel: Oh wow! That deserves another piece of candy.
 Ballerina: Thank you. (Does another ballerina move.)
 Rachel: Well, I have to say that earns tutu pieces of candy.
 Ballerina: I love you! (Hugs Rachel.)
 Rachel: Ohh  Oh, honey here. Take it all. (Pours the entire large bowl into
 her bag and closes the door.) Monica! We need more candy?
 Monica: What?! There's only been like four kids.
 Rachel: Yeah I know, but one of them just said that she loved me so I just gave
 her everything.
 Phoebe: No wonder your pregnant.
 Ross: (entering) Hey! (He's wearing a costume as well.)
 Rachel: Hey.
 Monica: What are you supposed to be?
 Ross: Remember the Russian satellite, Sputnik? (They all look at him.) Well,
 I'm a potato or a spud. And these are my antennae. (Points to the colander with
 an old TV antenna glued on top that he's wearing.) So Sputnik, becomes
 (They're still confused) Spud-nik. Spudnik!
 Chandler: Wow! I don't have the worst costume anymore!
 Joey: (sees Ross) Hey all right, Ross came as doody.
 Ross: No, I-I'm not doody.
 Monica: No, space doody!
 (Joey gives him the okay symbol, and Ross rushes towards him to be stopped by Chandler.
 Meanwhile, Phoebe goes over to the snack table as some guy, which turns out to be Ursula's
 fiancee Eric, walks in and smacks her butt.)
 Eric: Aren't you gonna give me a kiss?
 Phoebe: Okay, I will. But right after you tell me who the hell you are.
 Eric: Ursula?
 Phoebe: Ursula's fiancee?
 Eric: Oh my God, you're the sister!
 Phoebe: Yeah.
 Eric: Okay, I just slapped my future sister-in-law's ass.
 Phoebe: Yeah.
 Eric: I'm an idiot. Uh, is your mother here? Maybe I can give her a little
 slap on the butt.
 Phoebe: My mother killed herself.
 Eric: She, now I knew that and now I'm sweating. Look at me, I'm
 really sweating Now I'm saying, 'Look at me,' I'm getting even
 sweatier. I think I probably should go.
 Phoebe: No-no! That's okay, we'll just start over. Okay? Hi! I'm
 Phoebe.
 Eric: Eric. (They shake hands and he's squinting. And, no, it's not
 me.)
 Phoebe: Why are you looking at me like that?
 Eric:  Cause the sweat's getting in my eyes and its burning.
 Phoebe: Okay. (Hands him a napkin.) So, what are you?
 Eric: I don't think they have a name for it. It's just I get nervous;
 I start sweating like crazy.
 Phoebe: (laughs) No I-I meant your costume.
 Eric: Oh umm, I'm the solar system. (He's wearing a black sweater with
 the planets glued on around the sun.) Yeah, my students helped me make it I teach the
 second grade.
 Phoebe: I love the second grade!
 Eric: Really?
 Phoebe: Yeah! It's so much better than first grade when you don't know
 what's going on and definitely better than third grade. Y'know with all
 the politics and mind games.
 Eric: So what do you do?
 Phoebe: Umm, I'm a masseuse by day. (Stands with her hands on her hips
 like a Supergirl pose.)
 Eric: Y'know you don't have to stand here with me, believe me
 Phoebe: No I'm having fun. I'm really And I'm really-really
 excited for you and Ursula.
 Eric: Oh I feel very lucky, she's great. I think she's the most
 beautiful woman I've ever seen.
 Phoebe: Thank you.
 [Time lapse, Monica is going over to talk to Joey.]
 Monica: Hey Joey?
 Joey: Yeah.
 Monica: You read comic books right?
 Joey: Exclusively.
 Monica: Who do you think would win in a fight, Catwoman or Supergirl?
 Joey: Catwoman, hands down.
 Monica: Yeah
 Joey: But between you and Phoebe, I'd have to give the edge to Phoebe.
 Monica: What?! Really?!
 Joey: Are you kiddin'? Phoebe lived on the street. Okay? Plus, she's
 got this crazy temper. She She's not standing right behind me is she?
 Monica: No you're fine. (Joey checks anyway.) All right well, do you think
 I could take Rachel?
 Joey: I'm not sure.
 Monica: What?! Come on I am tough! Punch me right here! (Her stomach) As hard as
 you can!
 Joey: Will you relax?! What are you taking this so seriously for? It
 doesn't matter.
 Monica: Oh really? Okay? Well what would you say if I told you that,
 y'know, Ross or Chandler could beat you up?


Joey: I would say, 'Woman, please!'
 Phoebe: (walking over) Hey. Ursula's fiancee is really sweet!
 He's a teacher, he does all this volunteer work. Y'know normally y'know, I
 don't like really sweaty guys. But this one? I could just mop him up!
 Monica: Oh my God, Phoebe!
 Phoebe: What?
 Monica: You're getting a crush on your sister's fiancee.
 Phoebe: No I'm not! You are!
 Joey: (To Monica) Here comes the temper.
 (There's a knock on the door and Rachel opens it to a little girl.)
 Girl: Trick or treat!
 Rachel: Hi! Y'know what honey, we're actually out of candy right now.
 But someone just went out to get some and I have been giving out money but I'm
 out of that too. Hey, can I write you a check?
 Girl: Okay!
 Rachel: Okay, what's your name?
 Girl: Lelani Mayolanofavich.
 Rachel: Okay, I'm just gonna write this out to cash.
 Mona: (entering) Hi!
 Rachel: Hey Mona!
 Chandler: Oh! Hi!
 Mona: Hi!
 Chandler: Joey's gonna be thrilled! He was hoping you'd come by as a
 slutty nurse.
 Mona: Umm, actually I'm just a nurse.
 Chandler: You'd think that would embarrass me, but you see I'm maxed
 out.
 Ross: Hey!
 Mona: Hi!
 Ross: You made it!
 Mona: Wait-wait! You're umm, you're a potato
 Ross: Well, I'm a spud
 Mona: And the antennae Oh my God you're Spudnik!
 Ross: Yes!
 Chandler: (To Ross) Marry her.
 [Cut to Joey and Monica.]
 Joey: Okay, here's a good one for ya. Who do think would win in a fight
 between Ross and Chandler.
 Monica: I can't answer that! Chandler's my husband.
 Joey: So Ross?
 Monica: Yeah.
 [Cut to Phoebe and Eric.]
 Eric: Hey beautiful.
 Phoebe: Hello handsome. (Sees Ursula over her shoulder) Oh God. (Walks away in
 shame as they kiss.) Oh look at you two. So when did you guys meet?
 Eric: Two weeks ago.
 Phoebe: Two weeks? That's it?
 Eric: Yeah, I know it sounds crazy, and it's not like me to do something so
 impulsive, but she's just so perfect, and we have so much in common.
 Phoebe: Oh really?
 Eric: We're both teachers.
 Phoebe: Huh? (Ursula motions for Phoebe to keep quiet.)
 Eric: And we were both in the Peace Corps.
 Phoebe: Peace Corps, really? (Ursula motions, 'I don't know.')
 Eric: In fact when we were building houses in Uruguay, we were, we were just two
 towns apart and we never met.
 Ursula: Yeah. It wasn't a town when I got there, but it was a town when I
 left. (To Eric) Shall we get me really drunk?
 Eric: Sure.
 (They walk away.)
 [Cut to Mona and Ross walking past Chandler.]
 Chandler: Howdy doody.
 Ross: That's funny. Yeah. Y'know you're the funniest man here in
 a pink bunny costume his wife made him wear.
 Chandler: Oh relax man, relax. You're looking a little flushed.
 Joey: (To Monica) Hey-hey-hey, I think we might find out the answer to our
 question.
 Chandler: What question?
 Joey: Monica and I were talking about who could kick whose ass in a fight, you
 or Ross?
 Chandler: There's no question.
 Joey: So you think Ross too?
 (Monica turns around slowly.)
 Chandler: (To Monica) You picked Ross?!
 Monica: Ross is really strong! Okay, he's the strongest out of all three of
 you! (Joey looks at her.) Except for Joey.
 Chandler: I cannot believe you didn't pick me.
 Ross: Uh, in her defense, she's right. I am stronger. I would destroy you.
 Chandler: Oh really?! You think you're stronger? Why don't you prove
 it? (He pushes Ross who starts to fall backwards until Mona catches him.)
 Ross: Oh I'll prove it! I'll prove it like a theorem!!
 (They start to fight with Ross pulling on Chandler's ears and Chandler hitting
 Ross over the head with his carrot.)
 Monica: Wait-wait!! Okay, stop it! Stop it! Stop! (Breaks it up.) Now listen, no
 one's gonna fight in this apartment.
 Joey: Hey Monica! (Grabs her and pulls her into the living room.) People came to
 see a fight, let's give  em what they came for!
 Mona: Hey, you guys could arm wrestle.
 Joey: Yeah. Listen to the slutty nurse.
 Chandler: (To Ross) You're going down.
 Ross: Oh yeah? You're going further down! Downtown!
 Joey: Seriously guys, the trash talk is embarrassing.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the party continues with Rachel leaning on the counter
 as Gunther walks in carrying candy.]
 Rachel: Oh Gunther! You brought candy! Thank you so much for picking this up!
 You are so sweet.
 Gunther: Really?
 Rachel: Honey, someday you are gonna make some man the luckiest guy in the
 world.
 (There's a knock on the door.)
 Kid: Trick or treat!
 Rachel: Gotta go! (Opens the door to a boy in a cape.) Hi! Wow! There you go!
 (Hands him some candy.)
 Boy in the Cape: My friend Lewis told me you were giving out money.


Rachel: Oh yeah, we were but umm, now we've got candy.
 Boy in the Cape: I'd rather have the money.
 Rachel: Well, that-that's not your choice. Happy Halloween!
 Boy in the Cape: This isn't fair.
 Rachel: Well is it fair that all you did was put on a cape and I gotta give you
 free stuff?
 Boy in the Cape: Shut up!
 Rachel: You shut up!
 (The gang gets interested now.)
 Boy in the Cape: You can't tell me to shut up!
 Rachel: Uh, I think I just did. And uh-oh, here it comes again. Shut up!
 Joey: Rach?
 Rachel: (To Joey) Yeah I know I'm good I got it! (Joey slowly
 backs away.) (To the boy) Now wait a minute, I've got one more thing I have to say to
 you oh right! Shut up!
 Boy in the Cape: You're a mean old woman. (Runs away.)
 Rachel: No! Wait no! Shut up I mean don't cry! Let me get my
 checkbook! (Grabs her checkbook and runs after him.)
 [Cut to Mona and Joey clearing the dining room table for the grudge match between
 Chandler and Ross.]
 Monica: (To Chandler) Look honey, you don't have to do this, okay?
 It's the strength you have inside that means the most to me. You're loyal,
 you're honest, and you have integrity! That's the kind of strength that I want
 in the man that I love!
 Chandler: That means nothing to me. (To Ross) Come on!
 [Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe is exiting Monica and Chandler's, and finds Ursula
 standing in the hallway smoking.]
 Phoebe: Hi liar!
 Ursula: Hey!
 Phoebe: Y'know the only reason he's marrying you is because he thinks
 all the things you were saying about yourself were true.
 Ursula: Well they could be true.
 Phoebe: But they're not!
 Ursula: Yeah, it's a fine line huh?
 Phoebe: Why are you lying to him?
 Ursula: I don't know. He said he did all this stuff and then I said I did
 it too and he got so excited, it was really fun.
 Eric: (entering) Honey?
 Ursula: (waving the cigarette in Phoebe's face) It's a filthy,
 disgusting habit and I want you to quit now!
 Eric: She's helped so many people to quit smoking.
 Ursula: Y'know, we'd really better get going.
 Eric: Oh right, you've got a church group meeting tonight.
 Ursula: Right. (Walks down the stairs.)
 Eric: (To Phoebe) Well, it was nice meeting you.
 Phoebe: You too. And Ursula?! It was really nice meeting you tonight!!
 Joey: (entering) Pheebs come on! Bunny vs. Doody! We're waiting! (They go
 inside.) (To Chandler and Ross.) Okay. Okay guys, one match, winner take all. (They grasp
 each other's hand in preparation for battle.) Oh wait-wait! What does the winner get?
 Ross: Pride.
 Chandler: And dignity.
 Joey: (laughing) Okay, if you say so. All right, ready? Set! Go!
 (They start wrestling, only they are unable to move either one's arm despite a
 huge strain on their faces and a cheering crowd.)
 [Time Lapse: the crowd has left and only Mona, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe are still
 watching to see who will be able to move the other's arm first. An event that has yet
 to happen.]
 Mona: (To Joey) Wow! They're both really strong.
 Joey: Or equally weak.
 Monica: (To Phoebe) Oh God!
 Phoebe: Hmm?
 Monica: Chandler's making his sex face.
 (Basically Chandler's face looks like he's not all there and is staring off
 into the distance )
 Ross: (To Chandler) So, you gettin' tired?
 Chandler: Nope! I can do this all day.
 Ross: Yeah? Me too. (Pause) Gettin' a little tired though.
 Chandler: God, I'm exhausted.
 Ross: Look this is starting to look really bad for me. Okay? Mona, Mona's
 standing right over there. (Looks behind him.) Oh God, she's talking to Joey! You
 gotta let me win!
 Chandler: No way! If anything you've gotta let me win! My wife thinks
 I'm a wimp!
 Ross: Hey, at least you have a wife! I-I keep getting divorces and knockin'
 people up! And I'm dressed as doody.
 Chandler: You're Spudnik.
 Ross: Come on, who are we kidding? I'm doody. Please? She's
 watchin'.
 Chandler: Fine. (He lets Ross win.) Oh no!
 Ross: (celebrating) Oh yeah!
 Mona: (clapping) Yay! My hero!
 Joey: (to her) You're a weird lady.
 Eric: (entering) Hey. Ursula said she left her purse.
 Phoebe: Oh.
 Eric: (finds it) What a relief. It has all the numbers of the people in her
 prayer chain.
 Phoebe: Sure it does. Yeah, yeah.
 Eric: Well, I guess I'll see you at the wedding. (Exits and Phoebe follows
 him into the hall.)
 Phoebe: Umm listen, I don't think I don't think I'm gonna
 make it to the wedding. So I just want to wish you all the luck in the world.
 Eric: I think we'll be okay. Besides it's so perfect and (whispering)
 she's been saving herself for me.
 Phoebe: Okay I can't let you do this! She's lying to you.
 Eric: What?


 The One With The Stain
 The One With The Stain
 Written by: R. Lee Fleming, Jr.
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 Dutch Phrases by: Kenny Walgraef
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is sitting in the living room as Monica
 enters.]
 Monica: Hey.
 Chandler: Hey.
 (Monica notices something.)
 Monica: Oh my God! You cleaned! (Gasps) Look at these floors! You did the
 windows! Oh, I have been begging you for months and you did! You cleaned! And nagging
 works!
 Chandler: Y'know uh, I didn't actually do this.
 Monica: Oh no, was I cleaning in my sleep again?
 Chandler: No, it wasn't you.
 Monica: Well then who?
 Chandler: I got a maid. Yay!
 Monica: (shocked) I hope by maid you mean mistress, because if some other woman
 was here cleaning then
 Chandler: Uh honey, I know you don't like to relinquish control
 Monica: Oh, relinquish is just a fancy word for lose!
 Chandler: Look, she's really nice. Okay? And she mentioned that she adored
 the way that you arranged the sponges.
 Monica: Did she really say that?
 Chandler: Yes, I distinctly remember  cause I thought it was a joke. Now
 just give her a chance, okay?
 Monica: Fine, I can do it. (Gets anxious.) Whew.
 Chandler: What's the matter?
 Monica: Well, usually when I'm this anxious, I clean!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there as someone's cell phone
 starts to ring with one of those fancy ring tones.]
 Phoebe: (looking around) Who's cell phone is that? It's just so
 annoying; everywhere you go.
 Ross: I think it's coming from your bag.
 Phoebe: (checks) I never get calls!! (Answers the phone) Hello?
 Eric: Hi, it's Eric. From the Halloween party, Ursula's fiancee.
 Phoebe: Oh my God Eric hi! Wait, how'd you get this number?
 Eric: Oh, I have a friend who's a cop and he got it for me.
 Phoebe: Wow! What an incredible violation and wonderful surprise.
 Eric: Uh listen, I just I thought you should know I broke up with Ursula.
 Phoebe: Oh you did? (To Rachel) He did it! He did it!
 Rachel: Wow! What did he do?
 Phoebe: Shhh! I'm talking.
 Eric: Anyway, I was wondering if, you were the sort of person who eats
 lunch.
 Phoebe: Are you asking me out?  Cause it would be kinda weird since you
 just broke up with my sister.
 Eric: Yeah uh okay. I'm-I'm sorry. Bye.
 Phoebe: No! Wait! I was just saying that so you'd think I was a good
 person. Fight for me.
 Eric: Uhh, I won't take no for an answer.
 Phoebe: Not great, but we can work on it at lunch. Okay, I can be at your
 apartment in two hours.
 Eric: Great! But wh-wh How do you know where I live?
 Phoebe: I've got friends too. Okay, bye.
 Eric: Bye.
 (She hangs up.)
 Phoebe: Oh my God! I'm going out with Eric! Ooh, this day is really gonna
 be so much better than I thought it was gonna be. Oh Ross, I can't make lunch.
 (Exits.)
 Ross: So apparently I'm available for lunch.
 Rachel: I can't. I'm busy. I'm apartment hunting.
 Ross: You're moving?
 Rachel: Yeah, I can't live with Joey once the baby comes. I don't want
 my child's first words to be, (in a baby's voice) 'How you
 doin'?'
 Ross: So does-does Joey know you're moving?
 Rachel: Well, I haven't discussed it with him yet, but I know he's
 gonna be relieved. Last week, he brought this girl over and I started talking to her about
 morning sickness and then I showed her pictures from my pregnancy book.
 Ross: That's not really porn.
 Rachel: Not so much.
 Ross: Hey, y'know what and if you're looking for a place? I just heard
 in the elevator this morning that a woman in my building died.
 Rachel: Oh my God! Was she old? Does she have a view?
 Ross: Well I don't know, but how-how great would that be huh? You living in
 my building. I could help take care of the baby. I can come over whenever I want. (Rachel
 looks at him.) With your permission.
 Rachel: Yeah that would really be great.
 Ross: Yeah.
 Rachel: Well can we see it?! Oh maybe we shouldn't. I mean if she just died
 this morning out of respect.
 Ross: Yeah. No. No you're right.
 (Pause as they both take another sip of coffee.)
 Rachel: Shall we?
 Ross: Yeah.
 (They both exit.)
 [Scene: Ross's Building, they are approaching the apartment of the woman who died.
 Ross knocks on the door and a woman answers it.]
 Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: Yes?
 Ross: Hi. I'm Ross Geller. I live in the building.
 Rachel: And I'm Rachel, an admirer of the building.
 Ross: I-I heard about Mrs. Verhoeven passing away and I'm so sorry for your
 loss.
 Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: She didn't pass.


Ross: What?
 Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: My mother's still alive.
 Ross: Oh, thank God!
 Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: It looked like we were gonna lose her this morning,
 but she's a tough old bird.
 Rachel: Ahh.
 Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: Are you close with her?
 Ross: Of course! Uh yeah, she and I would talk all the time in-in (Rachel pokes
 her head in and starts to look around) the laundry room. (Pushes Rachel out of the way.)
 Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: You speak Dutch? (In Dutch) Zeer vereerd een vriend
 van mijn moeder te ontmoeten. (Translation: I'm very honored to meet a friend of my
 mother.)
 Ross: Y'know I would it's just painful.
 Rachel: So she's really not dead.
 Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: No, she's hanging in there.
 Rachel: Hmm. Do you think Could you tell me if she's hanging in, in a
 one bedroom or a two?
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is observing the new maid, Brenda, clean.]
 Brenda: Mrs. Bing, this tile cleaner is incredible! Where'd you get it?
 Monica: Oh well umm, I make it myself! It's two parts ammonia and one part
 lemon juice. And now the secret ingredient is y'know what? We just met.
 Brenda: Okay. Uhh, I'm gonna go get the clothes from the laundry room now.
 And, when I come back I'll clean behind the refrigerator.
 Monica: (To Chandler) I love her.
 Brenda: I'll be back in a minute.
 Monica: Okay. (As Brenda exits Monica notices something.)
 Chandler: See? I told you.
 Monica: She stole my jeans!
 Chandler: (pause) What?
 Monica: I have been looking for them all week and she is wearing them!
 Chandler: So she stole your pants and then she came back and wore them in front
 of you?
 Monica: Don't you see? It's the perfect crime!
 Chandler: She must've been planning this for years!
 Monica: I will prove it to you! Okay? About a week ago I was wearing those jeans
 and I dropped a pen in my lap and it left an ink stain on the crotch. Now when she comes
 back I will find it and show you that stain!
 Chandler: Honey, isn't it possible that the company that sold the jeans
 made more than just the one pair?
 Monica: I guess.
 Chandler: So, shouldn't we go give her the benefit of the doubt before we
 go snooping around her crotch?
 Monica: Fine. I'm just glad I didn't give her my secret ingredient.
 Chandler: Out of curiosity, what is your secret ingredient?
 Monica: Yeah! (Laughs.)
 [Scene: Eric's Apartment, he's opening the door to reveal Phoebe.]
 Phoebe: Hi!
 Eric: Come in, I'm so glad you're here.
 Phoebe: Yeah, me too. Not in the shaky angry way you are though.
 Eric: Sorry, I just saw Ursula. I had to give the engagement ring back.
 Phoebe: Oh.
 Eric: Just seeing her brought it all back. All the lies, the way she used me. I
 just I got so angry just looking at her (Looks at Phoebe) face.
 Phoebe: Yeah. (Covers her face with her hand.) Yeah.
 Eric: I'm sorry. I just when I look at you I see her. When I see her I
 get a little bit angry.
 Phoebe: Maybe this is too weird.
 Eric: No wait! There's only a problem when I look at you. (Sits down on the
 couch.) Oh I got it! I got it. (Puts his hands to his eyes.)
 Phoebe: No don't tear out your eyes!!
 Eric: I was just, I was just gonna take out my lenses.
 Phoebe: Oh, yeah try that. (He finishes and looks at her.) So, is that better?
 Eric: Not really. You you're blurry, but you still look like Ursula.
 You're Blursula. Okay wait. Maybe If I-if I just don't look at you for a
 while. (Stands up and turns his back to her.) See? It it works. I'm not,
 I'm not angry at all anymore! This is a great date!
 Phoebe: Look Eric, turn around. (He does so.) Look, I like you, but it
 shouldn't be this hard. Y'know? This is our first date y'know? First
 dates are supposed to be about excitement and electricity and  Ooh, he just touched
 my hand, did he mean to touch my hand?' and y'know first kisses and (He
 kisses her) second kisses. (Motions for him to kiss her again which he does and they
 start to make out.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is reading some book and Gunther serves him a cup of
 coffee.]
 Ross: Thanks for the coffee, or bedankt voor de koffie, Gunter. (He translates
 that phrase into Dutch.)
 Gunther: Jij spreekt Nederlands? Dat is te gek. Heb je familie daar?
 (Translation: You speak Dutch That's cool. Do you have relatives there?)
 Ross: Yeah, we're done.
 Gunther: Ezel. (Translation: Donkey)
 Ross: Ezel? Ezel? Ezel? (Looks it up in his book.)
 Joey: (entering) Hey Ross! Listen, do you want to go see that new Imax movie on
 tide pools?
 Ross: Really?!
 Joey: (laughs) No. But I got Knicks tickets for you, me, and Chandler.


Ross: Sweet!
 Joey: All right, well finish your coffee; let's go.
 Ross: Okay I-I just have to stop by my place first.
 Joey: To tape the game? You do this every time Ross, you're not
 gonna be on TV!
 Ross: No-no, I-I have to see if this apartment became available.
 Joey: Oh, you're switching apartments?
 Ross: It's not for me, it's for Rachel.
 Joey: But Rachel has an apartment.
 Ross: Yeah, but when the baby comes she's gonna want to move.
 Joey: She is?
 Ross: Yeah, you didn't expect her to live there with a baby did you?
 Joey: I guess I didn't really think about it.
 Ross: (finds the word in the book) Ezel! (Reads the translation.) Hey Gunther!
 You're an ezel!
 Gunther: Jij hebt seks met ezels. (Translation: You have sex
 with donkeys.)
 Ross: Damnit!
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Brenda is sweeping and Monica is sitting at the kitchen
 table.]
 Monica: Nice jeans!
 Brenda: Oh thanks! I like your top.
 Monica: Oh. (Holds on to it.) (To herself) You're not gettin' it.
 (Brenda bends down to use the dustpan and Monica leans over to look for the stain, but
 leans so far over she falls out of the chair.)
 Brenda: What happened?!
 Monica: Oh, I fell asleep.
 Brenda: I was thinking about taking my lunch break.
 Monica: Oh, will you do the top of the cabinets? That'll really work up
 your appetite for lunch.
 Brenda: All right.
 (Brenda pulls a chair to the counter and uses it to get up on the counter in order to
 clean the top of the cabinets. Monica sneaks over, bends over, and tries to see the stain.
 That doesn't work so she sticks her head between Brenda's legs. Suddenly Brenda
 changes her stance and traps Monica's head between her legs.)
 Monica: Hello.
 Brenda: What's going on?!
 Monica: I'm sorry. I've never had a maid before, is this not okay?
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is eating pizza as Joey returns from the Knicks
 game.]
 Rachel: Hey!
 Joey: Hey!
 Rachel: How was the game?
 Joey: Oh, okay. I I ate way too much.
 Rachel: Oh.
 Joey: Ooh. (Notices the pizza, grabs a slice, and takes a bite.) So umm, I was
 talkin' to Ross and he said you were looking for a new place.
 Rachel: Oh yeah! Hopefully across the street if certain Dutch people would just
 let go.
 Joey: I was kinda hoping you'd stay.
 Rachel: Oh but Joey, I have to go. There's no room for a baby here.
 Joey: No room? It's a baby. It's like this big. (Holds his hands about
 a foot apart.) Y'know, I mean you-you could you could put it over here. (A desk.)
 Or-or-or we could put it right here. (The chair.) Aw, it's cute, right? Or-or we
 could put it over here. (By the bathroom door.) You wouldn't even notice it.
 Where's the baby? (Mumbles that it's over in the corner.)
 Rachel: Honey, it's not just a matter of where you put it. I mean a baby
 changes everything. They cry all the time. I mean imagine bringing home some girl and
 trying to score when there's a screaming baby around.
 Joey: I could use a challenge! It's getting pretty easy.
 Rachel: Honey, it's so sweet that you want me to stay, but I-I can't
 do that to you. I mean it would disrupt your entire life.
 Joey: I love living with you so much. I just wish things didn't have to
 change.
 Rachel: I know.
 Joey: Y'know I blame Ross for this.
 Rachel: I do too a little bit.
 Joey: I'm gonna miss you, you're the hottest roommate I ever had.
 [Scene: Eric's Apartment, he and Phoebe are still making out.]
 Phoebe: Ooh, oh no! I have to go! I have a massage appointment.
 Eric: Oh no, stay here we'll keep doing this. I'll pay you.
 Phoebe: No, I got in trouble for that before. I'll see you later.
 Eric: Absolutely. (They kiss and Phoebe heads for the door.) I love the way you
 kiss.
 Phoebe: Really? That's the thing I'm worse at! You'll see.
 (Exits.)
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Brenda is shaking out the rugs on the balcony as Monica
 pouts in the living room.]
 Chandler: (entering) Hi!
 Monica: Hey! Umm, I think Brenda needs a raise.
 Chandler: How come?
 Monica: Because I put my head between her legs.
 Chandler: To see her pants?
 Monica: They're my pants!
 Chandler: Are you sure? Did you see the stain?
 Monica: No! I was just getting into position and then everything went dark.
 Chandler: God! She is not stealing from us! Okay, will you let this go?
 Monica: Fine. (Brenda comes in to use the bathroom and adjusts her pink bra
 strap on the way.) She's wearing my bra!
 Chandler: Oh dear God!
 Monica: My pink flowered bra! I recognize the strap!


Chandler: And yet you don't recognize that you're crazy.
 Monica: Here's the plan! Okay? I'm going to leave you get a look at
 Brenda's bra!
 Chandler: Here's another plan No!
 Monica: I would do it but she thinks I'm attracted to her!
 Chandler: Why?
 Monica: Did you not hear where my head was? Come on! Come on we're a
 team! We're in this together!
 Chandler: I fear a jury will see it the same way!
 Monica: Do this for me! Come on, I catch you looking at woman's breasts all
 the time!
 Chandler: You see that?
 Monica: Do you see this? (Mimics him drooling over a woman's breasts.)
 Chandler: All right. Yes. Okay. I get your point. But if it's not your bra
 will you just let the woman clean the apartment?!
 Monica: Yes! Absolutely. Okay? Look, you'll know it's mine because on
 the right cup, the lacey part, there's a very noticeable rip.
 Chandler: You need new clothes.
 [Scene: Mrs. Verhoeven's Apartment, Ross is back to inquire about the elder
 Verhoeven's health or lack there of.]
 Ross: Hi. How is she?
 Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: It's not looking good.
 Ross: (happily) Oh. (Realizes then sadly) Oh. Well I uh, I brought her some
 bloemen. (Flowers in Dutch.)
 Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: That's so sweet. (Takes the flowers.) Would you
 like to come in and say good-bye? I'm sure it would mean a lot to her.
 Ross: Oh I don't know that it would.
 Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: Well, her memory is pretty much gone.
 Ross: All right then. (Follows her in and checks the place out.)
 [Scene: Eric's Apartment, he's resting on the bed as Phoebe enters.]
 Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
 Eric: Welcome back!
 Phoebe: Hey! (Jumps on the bed with him.) Can we pick up where we left off?
 Eric: I don't know, I'm still pretty tired out from this afternoon.
 Phoebe: Why?
 Eric: Uh, the sex.
 Phoebe: What sex?
 Eric: Our sex.
 Phoebe: We didn't have sex.
 Eric: Well if I didn't have sex with you, I had sex with someone that
 looked an awful lot like
 Phoebe: (simultaneously as Eric) Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!
 Eric: (simultaneously as Phoebe) Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! No! No! No!
 Phoebe: You-you you had sex with Ursula?!
 Eric: Uh, a little bit. She-she-she walked in and I thought she was you and I
 kissed her and
 Phoebe: You didn't notice she was wearing different clothes?!
 Eric: Well I was just so excited to see you.
 Phoebe: Oh. Ew! Ew! Ew! Ugh! Y'know what? This is too weird.
 Eric: No-no it's not! I don't want to lose you! It's-it's
 like I was saying to Ursula when I was making love to her and I thought she was
 you Yeah it is too weird.
 Phoebe: So I guess this is it.
 Eric: Yeah. (They hug.) Maybe it's for the best. You smell just like her.
 Phoebe: Yeah, so do you.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Brenda is wiping the coffee table and Chandler is trying
 to look at her bra and leans over on the coffee table to get a good look.]
 Brenda: (noticing him) What are you doing?
 Chandler: I'm leaning. This is where I lean.
 Brenda: Okay. (Goes over and fluffs up the pillows on the couch.
 Chandler: Brenda a bee!
 Brenda: What?
 Chandler: Yes! It's flown into your blouse and you'd better undo your
 buttons lest it sting you!
 Brenda: I think I know what's going on here.
 Chandler: You do?
 Brenda: Look, I know it must be hard that your wife is a lesbian, but it's
 wrong. You're married.
 Chandler: I totally understand. (They both laugh.) Can I just see your
 bra?
 [Scene: The Hallway, Monica is sitting on the step as Rachel returns.]
 Rachel: Hi!
 Monica: (looking at Rachel's jeans) Where did you get those jeans?!
 Rachel: You gave them to me!
 Monica: No I didn't!
 Rachel: All right, I took them. But I figured it would be okay because you got a
 big ink stain on the crotch.
 Monica: Oh no! Did you take my bra too?!
 Rachel: What bra?
 Monica: The pink one with the flowers?!
 Rachel: You mean the one that you're wearing? (Adjusts Monica's pink
 bra strap as Monica looks down her shirt.)
 Brenda: (entering) I quit! (Storms off.)
 Monica: Sounds about right.
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel enters and notices that Joey has set up a space for
 the baby where the couch was, complete with a crib.]
 Rachel: What is this?
 Joey: Hey! Uh, this is just to give you an idea. Okay well, we can put screens
 here, (In front of the crib.) so that the baby has privacy, and-and-and maybe a mobile
 over the crib. And uh Oh look! Here's a baby monitor (Holds it up), which until
 the baby comes we can use as walkie-talkies. Huh?
 Rachel: You're so sweet. (Notices something in the crib.) Oh my God! And
 you gave the baby Hugsy! (A stuffed penguin wearing a ski jacket, goggles, and hat.)


 The One With The Stripper
 The One With The Stripper
 Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
 Directed by: David Schwimmer
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, and Chandler are sitting on the couch and chair as
 Phoebe is getting coffee.]
 Rachel: (coming from the bathroom) Hey Pheebs?
 Phoebe: Huh?
 Rachel: I'm having dinner with my dad tomorrow night, do you wanna come?
 Phoebe: Sure. Yeah, he's kinda sexy.
 Rachel: Oh no, no, I'll be there too.
 Phoebe: Okay so, we'll just come up with some kind of signal if it's
 going well you can take off.
 Rachel: No Phoebe! I just need you there for support. I haven't told him
 I'm pregnant yet.
 Phoebe: Oh. Why not?
 Rachel:  Cause I know he's gonna flip out and I hate it when he's
 angry.
 Phoebe: Oh Rachel, this is all so  Papa don't preach.'
 Rachel: What Phoebe? Wait! One time he caught me smoking he said if he ever saw
 me doing that again he'd make me eat the entire pack.
 Phoebe: Wow! Oh well, I will be there!
 Rachel: Thank you.
 Phoebe: Gosh. I'm not gonna let that man make you eat your baby. (They both
 sit down by the rest of the gang and Phoebe recognizes a man by the window.) Oh. Hey! Who
 is that guy? I think I know him.
 Monica: (recognizing him and panicking) No you don't!
 Rachel: (panicking) No you don't.
 Phoebe: Oh my God!!! Monica!! He's the stripper from your bachelorette
 party!!
 Chandler: Her what?!!
 Phoebe: Your secret bachelorette party
 Chandler: You had a bachelorette party?!
 Phoebe: She untied his G-string with her teeth. (Pause) Somebody stop me!
 Chandler: I thought we weren't gonna have bachelor/bachelorette parties!
 Y'know, we agreed that it was a silly tradition.
 Joey: It's a grand tradition!
 Monica: I'm sorry, they surprised me. There was nothing I could do!
 Rachel: Well you could've untied it with your hands.
 Joey: This is so unfair! The one thing I wanted to do was throw my best friend a
 bachelor party, but no, I wasn't allowed to. All I got was a stupid steak dinner!
 Chandler: You went home with the waitress.
 Joey: Oh yeah, that was a pretty good night.
 Chandler: I can't believe you didn't tell me! You know that the
 two pillars of marriage are openness and honesty!
 Monica: Ugh, I knew giving you that book was gonna come back and bite me
 in the ass!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: A Restaurant, Rachel and Phoebe are having dinner with Dr. Green, and everyone
 is looking at the menu.]
 Dr. Green: How about I order everyone the Moroccan chicken?
 Phoebe: Oh, I-I don't eat meat.
 Dr. Green: It's chicken.
 Phoebe: Yeah, I don't eat that either.
 Dr. Green: I'll never understand you lesbians. (To Rachel) So baby, tell
 me what is new with you.
 Rachel: Well actually umm
 Waiter: (interrupting) Your '74 Lafite sir.
 Dr. Green: '74?! I ordered the '75! That's a magnificent wine!
 The '74 is sewage! Why would you bring me sewage?! (The waiter's dumbfounded) Is
 that a hard question? Are you an idiot? Is that why you're a waiter?
 Waiter: This is why I told the manager I wouldn't wait on you tonight!
 (Runs off.)
 Dr. Green: Oh come on! Don't be such a baby! (Goes after him)
 Rachel: (To Phoebe) In case you didn't notice, that is a scary man.
 Phoebe: He's right though, the '74 is absolute piss.
 Rachel: This was such a huge mistake. I can't tell him Phoebe. I
 can't, I can't, I can't, I can't
 Phoebe: Rachel!
 Rachel: No it's okay, this is what's gonna happen. I'm gonna wait
 a couple years and then the baby will tell him.
 Phoebe: Why, so he can get mad at the baby?
 Rachel: Hey, that is the baby's problem. (Dr. Green returns.) Oh,
 everything okay with the waiter?
 Dr. Green: I have no idea, I went to the bathroom. So sweetie, you were starting
 to tell me what is uh, what is new with you.
 Rachel: Well  Umm, I got TiVo.
 Dr. Green: What's TiVo?
 Phoebe: It's slang for pregnant.
 Rachel: Phoebe!
 Dr. Green: Are you really pregnant?
 Rachel: Well uh, yes and no. Except not no. So to sum it up, yeah.
 Dr. Green: Who is the father? Oh no! Please don't tell me it's her!
 (Points at Phoebe.)
 Rachel: No, it's Ross. It's Ross. You like Ross. (He just shakes his
 head.) Oh daddy, I hope you're okay with all of this. I mean think about it, this is
 a good thing. You're gonna This is your first grandchild! You're gonna be a
 poppy!
 Dr. Green: That's true.
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Dr. Green: (laughs) Poppy. (To Phoebe) Oh, I'm gonna be a poppy. (Stops
 laughing) So when is the wedding?
 Rachel: Who?
 Dr. Green: The wedding! There's going to be a wedding. Young lady,
 don't you sit there and tell me my first grandchild is going to be a bastard! (Rachel
 pauses) Rachel Karen Green, tell me there is gonna be a wedding!!


Rachel: February 2nd!
 (Dr. Green exhales in relief.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are reading a magazine and Ross is chatting
 with Mona.]
 Mona: So it was really cool seeing you lecture today.
 Ross: Oh thanks. Although it kinda seemed like you were falling asleep there a
 little.
 Mona: Oh no-no, I-I had my eyes closed so I could concentrate and y'know
 take it all in.
 Ross: Yeah, a lot of my students do that.
 Mona: So, I gotta get going.
 Ross: Okay, I-I'll see you tonight.
 Mona: Yeah.
 Ross: Okay, bye.
 (They kiss and she starts to leave.)
 Mona: Oh hey, thanks again for showing me your semi-precious stone collection.
 It was amazing! (She leaves.)
 Chandler: My God! You must be good in bed!
 Joey: So uh, you and Mona, been a while now. How's it going?
 Ross: Ah, it's good. It's going good. I mean, we get along great.
 She's, she's so
 Joey: Hot?
 Ross: Well, I was gonna say sweet, but yeah-huh!
 Chandler: She's okay with Rachel and the baby?
 Ross: Well I I haven't actually told her yet. I don't want to
 scare her off, y'know?
 Chandler: Well, you have to honest with her! Otherwise you may think that
 you're going down the same path, but you're really going down different ones.
 Joey: I'm gonna take that book and beat you to death with it.
 Monica: (entering) Oh my God! You are gonna love me so much! I felt really bad
 about the whole bachelorette party thing, so tonight you're gonna have a bachelor
 party.
 Chandler: What?
 Monica: Yeah, I got this number from this guy at work and I hired a stripper to
 come dance for you. Am I going in the wife hall of fame or what?!
 Chandler: Honey! That's crazy! I don't want you to get me a
 stripper
 Joey: Will you let the lady talk?!
 Monica: Come on! Come on, it'll be fun! It'll make me feel so much
 better.
 Chandler: Look, I appreciate it, but uh, it's a little creepy. Y'know?
 I'm not a bachelor anymore.
 Monica: So don't think of it as a bachelor party, think of it as a a
 two month anniversary present.
 Ross: Sure, one year is paper, but two months is lapdance! (Joey nods his
 agreement.)
 Monica: Please! I feel so bad! Just watch the hot woman get naked!
 Chandler: All right fine! But I'm only doing this for you!
 Joey: Yeah!
 Chandler: And Joey.
 Monica: Thank you. All right, now who else do you want to invite?
 Chandler: Ah, no-no-no just Ross. Ross and Joey is embarrassing enough.
 Ross: Uh actually, sorry I can't even make it. I'm seeing Mona again
 tonight.
 Chandler: I understand: who would cancel an actual date to go to a fake bachelor
 party?
 Joey: (on cell phone) I'm sorry I gotta cancel tonight baby
 [Scene: The Restaurant, dinner has ended and Phoebe and Rachel are talking. Dr. Green
 is not at the table.]
 Phoebe: I'm sorry I won't be able to make it to your imaginary
 wedding, but I'm really busy that day. Yeah, I already have a unicorn baptism
 and a leprechaun bar mitzvah.
 Rachel: I know. I know. I panicked, I panicked. I didn't want him to start
 yelling at me like I was some '74 Latour.
 Phoebe: It's Lafite. The '74 Latour is actually drinking quite nicely.
 Rachel: All right here he comes. I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna tell
 him, I'm gonna be strong.
 Dr. Green: I just called a friend of mine.
 Rachel: Yeah?
 Dr. Green: I think I may be able to book The Plaza on short notice.
 Rachel: Really?! The Plaza?!! Oh daddy!! (Hugs him and Phoebe glares at
 her.) Right. Daddy, I need to talk to you. Please, sit down.
 Dr. Green: What is it sweetie?
 Rachel: There's not gonna be a wedding. Ross and I are not getting married.
 Dr. Green: What?!
 Rachel: I'm sorry daddy.
 Dr. Green: I don't believe this!!
 Rachel: Oh now daddy, stay calm. Please.
 Dr. Green: Stay calm?!! How do you expect me to stay calm?! This is unacceptable
 Rachel! And I wanna know why?!! Is it because that punk Ross won't marry you?!
 That's it! Is that it?!
 Rachel: Yes. Yes, he says I'm damaged goods.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler's bachelor party has begun, what there is
 of it, with only Joey (wearing a gold paper top hat) and Chandler (wearing what appears to
 be a Burger King paper crown) enjoying a nice product placement of Budweisers
 on ice.]
 Joey: So you uh, nervous about getting married?
 Chandler: What are you doing?
 Joey: Look, look let's pretend it's a real bachelor party. Okay?
 Y'know? Before your wedding. Come on, it'll be fun.
 Chandler: Okay. I can't believe tomorrow's the big day.
 Joey: How does it feel knowing you're never gonna be with another woman
 again huh? Knowing you're gonna have to wake up to the same face everyday until you
 finally have the sweet release of death.


Chandler: You're right, this is more fun.
 (There's a knock on the door.)
 Joey: That's her! Okay, come on! (They go over and open the door.)
 Stripper: Hi!
 Chandler: Hi. (Joey blows on a noisemaker.)
 Stripper: So which one of you lucky boys is Chandler?
 Joey: Uh, that-that's-that's me!
 Chandler: That's me.
 Joey: Joey Tribbiani, a big fan.
 Stripper: So is that a bedroom? (Points to the guestroom.)
 Chandler: Yeah, yeah right over there.
 Stripper: All right, whenever you're ready. (She goes into the bedroom.)
 Chandler: That was weird.
 Joey: Why-why would she go in the bedroom?
 Stripper: I'm waiting.
 (They both slowly enter the bedroom and quickly walk back out.)
 Chandler: So she's a
 Joey: Yeah, that's one naked hooker!
 [Scene: Ross's Apartment, Ross and Mona are sitting on the couch.]
 Mona: I love your place! Where is this guy from? (A statue from the top of his
 apothecary table.)
 Ross: Uh that's an eighteenth century Indian artifact from Calcutta.
 Mona: Oh wow! So, you're more than just dinosaurs.
 Ross: So much more.
 (They start making out and she kicks the eighteenth century Indian artifact from
 Calcutta off of his apothecary table from the days of yore and the magical city of White
 Plains.)
 Mona: Oh my God! Oh my God! I'm so sorry!
 Ross: Aw forget it, it's from Pier One. (There's an angry knock
 on the door.) Sorry. (Goes and opens the door to an irate Dr. Green.)
 Dr. Green: You think you can knock up my daughter and then not marry her?!
 I'm gonna kill you!!
 Ross: Y'know this is actually not a great time for me.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Ross's Apartment, continued from earlier.]
 Dr. Green: So? Come on! Explain yourself Geller! First you get my Rachel
 pregnant!
 Mona: You got Rachel pregnant?!
 Ross: Who did?!
 Dr. Green: You did!
 Ross: Yes. Yes, yes I did. (To Mona) But-but it was, it was just a one night
 thing. It meant nothing.
 Dr. Green: Oh? Really? That's what my daughter means to you? Nothing?
 Ross: No! No sir umm, she means a lot to me. I mean, I care I-I love
 Rachel.
 Mona: What?!
 Ross: (to Mona) Oh but not that way. I mean I mean I'm not in love
 with her. I love her like a, like a friend.
 Dr. Green: Oh really? That's how treat a friend? You get her in trouble and
 then refuse to marry her?
 Ross: (to Dr. Green) Hey! I offered to marry her!
 Mona: Wh
 Ross: (To Mona) But I didn't want to.
 Dr. Green: Well why not? So you can spend your time with this tramp?!
 Mona: Tramp?!
 Ross: I'm sorry. Dr. Green, Mona. Mona, Dr. Green.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Joey are discussing what to do about the
 now naked hooker in the guestroom.]
 Chandler: I can't believe there is a naked hooker in there!
 Joey: Wait! Wait! Maybe she's a hooker and a stripper, but she got
 confused about what she's supposed to do.
 Chandler: Could be. I mean technically she did strip, we just, we just missed
 it. (Walks towards the bedroom.) Ma'am, are you also a stripper?
 Hooker: Uh, no. But I could pretend to strip, but that's gonna cost extra.
 Okay, here's the extras, handcuffs, spanking  (Chandler grunts for her not to
 continue and Joey pulls him back into the kitchen.)
 Joey: Maybe Monica's playing a joke on ya. Y'know? Getting her own
 husband a hooker, that's pretty funny.
 Chandler: That is funny, maybe for my birthday she'll murder someone.
 Joey: I bet Ross was in on it too. I mean he was conveniently busy.
 Hooker: Do you mind if I smoke in here?
 Chandler: Oh actually, I'd rather you Yeah, go ahead. We're gonna
 have to burn that room down anyway.
 [Scene: Ross's Apartment, continued from earlier.]
 Mona: How could you have kept all of this from me?
 Ross: I was going to tell you, but
 Dr. Green: But what?! You figured you'd get what you wanted and then dump
 her like you dumped Rachel!
 Ross: Hey! I did not dump Rachel! (To Mona) Nor are we still together. (The
 phone rings and Ross goes to answer it, only he's trapped behind the apothecary table
 by Dr. Green.) Can I just  (Dr. Green glares at him.) Why don't we just let the
 machine get that?
 Joey: (on machine) Hey Ross. It's Joey. There's a hooker over here and
 we thought maybe you'd know something about it.
 Ross: No! No! No! No! No! I-I-I-I I need to, I need to lie down.
 [Scene: Monica's Restaurant's Kitchen, she's cooking as one of her
 waiters, Stu, comes over to talk to her.]
 Stu: So, tonight's the night of the big bachelor party?
 Monica: Yeah! Hey! Thanks for getting me that girl's number.
 Stu: No problem. So who's the party for?
 Monica: My husband.
 Stu: You hired your husband a hooker?


Monica: She's a stripper.
 Stu: No, she's a hooker.
 Monica: Is that, is that what they call strippers sometimes?
 Stu: When they're hookers.
 Monica: Oh my God Stu! I-I can't believe you did this! Now are you
 absolutely sure she's a hooker?
 Stu: Either that or she's just the best, most expensive date I ever had.
 (Monica runs out.)
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey and Chandler are still deciding what to do about
 the hooker.]
 Joey: Maybe she meant to get you a hooker.
 Chandler: Why would she do that?
 Joey: Maybe she wants you to learn something. Huh? Now is there anything
 you're really bad at y'know, sexually?
 Chandler: This is the worst bachelor party ever!
 Hooker: What's taking you boys so long?
 Joey: In a minute!
 Chandler: (To Joey) In a minute? What's gonna happen in a minute?!
 Joey: All right, all right maybe-maybe you should just ask her to leave.
 Chandler: Why me?!
 Joey: Hey! It's your bachelor party.
 Chandler: Which is why you should do it.
 Joey: I don't want to. You do it!
 Chandler: You do it!
 Joey: You do it!
 Chandler: All right Rock, Paper, Scissors who has to tell the whore to leave!
 (Joey smirks.) What?
 Joey: I miss this.
 Chandler: I don't think we've actually done this before!
 Joey: No, I-I miss hanging out with you.
 Chandler: Well we we still hang out.
 Joey: Not like we used to. Remember? You and me used to be inseparable.
 Y'know now it's like things are different.
 Chandler: Well y'know, things are different. I'm I'm married
 now.
 Joey: Oh sure And hey, don't get me wrong, I am so happy for you guys.
 I just I miss hanging out just-just us, y'know?
 Chandler: Yeah, I miss that too. I tell you what; from now on we'll make
 time to hang out with each other.
 Joey: You got it. Come here. (They hug and are observed by the hooker.)
 Hooker: Oh God! Listen, I am this close to robbing you guys. (Does the close
 sign.)
 Monica: (entering quickly) She's a hooker! She's a hooker! She's
 a  (Stops as she sees her.) Hi! Uh, we spoke on the phone. (Goes and shakes the
 hooker's hand.)
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are at the counter as Ross enters.]
 Ross: So your dad dropped by. He's a pleasant man!
 Rachel: (quietly) Oh no
 Phoebe: I'd better go. (She goes and sits down in the La-Z-Boy E-cliner
 3000, the chair that Sit magazine called chair of the year, and they both look at
 her.) Just over here: I don't want to miss the fight.
 Rachel: Ross I'm so sorry. Okay. I-I will promise I will straighten this
 out with him tomorrow in person, or via e-mail.
 Ross: I don't care about your dad! I care about Mona! She was there and now
 she's totally freaked out!
 Rachel: Oh okay, I'll fix that to. What's her e-mail address?
 Ross: Rachel!
 Rachel: All right, I promise. I'll fix this. I swear.
 I'll-I'll-I'll-I'll talk to her.
 Ross: Okay!
 Rachel: Okay.
 Ross: Thank you!
 Phoebe: That's it?! You call that a fight? Come on! 'We were on a
 break!' 'No we weren't!' What happened to you two?!
 [Scene: Ross's Apartment, Ross is opening the door to Mona. Rachel is there as well.]
 Ross: Thank you so much for coming back over.
 Mona: Oh good, you're here. Yeah, and I was worried that it was going to be
 uncomfortable.
 Rachel: I know Mona, just hear me out. First of all, I'm so sorry about my
 father yelling at you, but I heard you totally held your own. You're gonna have to
 tell me how you did that.
 Ross: Focus.
 Rachel: Okay. Um But Okay, yes Ross and I used to date. And yes we are
 gonna have a baby. But we are definitely not getting back together.
 Mona: How can I be sure on that?
 Rachel: Oh we just we drove each other crazy!
 Ross: Yeah.
 Rachel: I mean he was possessive, he was jealous, he could never just let the
 little things go!
 Ross: Trying to date this woman.
 Rachel: Right! But, none of that compared to how kind and-and how gentle and
 thoughtful he is. (Rubbing his shoulder.)
 Ross: Probably shouldn't touch me.
 Mona: Y'know, I-I-I just I don't want to get in the middle of
 something so complicated.
 Rachel: I know, I get it, but Mona, what relationship is not complicated? I mean
 we all have our baggage! You must too! Why else would you still be single? (Mona looks at
 her.) I am so gonna leave right now. (Ross opens the door for her and she leaves.)
 Ross: Should I leave this open for you too?
 Mona: I'm not sure yet. Why didn't you just tell me about all this?
 Ross: Because what's going on with Rachel has nothing to do with how I feel
 about you.
 Mona: Yeah? Well you still shoulda told me.


 The One With The Rumor
 The One With The Rumor
 Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is reading What to Expect When You're Expecting
 as Rachel enters from her bedroom.]
 Joey: Hey Rach listen, did you know that during pregnancy your fingers swell up
 to twice their size and never go back.
 Rachel: (looking at her fingers) Oh my God! Let me see that! (Grabs the
 book from him.)
 Joey: (laughing) You fall for it every time!
 Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
 Rachel: Hi!
 Phoebe: I brought you my old maternity clothes! (Sets a bag on the counter.)
 Rachel: Oh Pheebs that's so sweet (Grabs a pair of pants) Ooh,
 those are so cute!
 Phoebe: Yeah! And look, (Grabs the pants) see how they expand as the baby grows?
 (There's a stretchy part in front.) And then after the baby's born, they're
 great for shoplifting melons.
 Monica: (entering) Oh good you're all here. Thanksgiving tomorrow, four
 o'clock. (To Rachel) Oh, guess who I invited. Remember that guy Will Colbert from
 high school?
 Rachel: No.
 Monica: He was in Ross's class marching band kinda overweight?
 Well, really overweight. I mean I was his thin friend.
 Rachel: Wow! I don't remember him. Honey, are you sure you're not
 talking about your imaginary boyfriend.
 Monica: No that was Jarred! Wow! I haven't thought about him in a long
 time  (Stares off into the distance lost in thought.) (Pause) Anyway, umm
 Will's, Will's here on business and he didn't have a place to go so I
 invited him here.
 Rachel: Oh that's nice.
 Monica: Oh, and by the way, he's lost a bunch of weight. I mean he looks
 goo-ood! Okay, I mean really, really gorgeous! (Joey clears his throat.) I still
 love Chandler.
 Joey: I just want you to say it once in a while.
 Monica: All right okay, just so you know, I'm not gonna make a turkey this
 year.
 Joey: What?!
 Monica: Well Phoebe doesn't eat turkey
 Joey: Phoebe!
 Phoebe: Turkey's are beautiful, intelligent animals!
 Joey: No they're not! They're ugly and stupid and delicious!
 Monica: All right! Okay, it's just Phoebe. Will's still on a diet,
 Chandler doesn't eat Thanksgiving food, and Rachel's having her aversion to
 poultry.
 Joey: She is?
 Rachel: Remember I had to leave the room the other day when you had that roast
 chicken?
 Joey: Yeah. But I thought that was because I put the whole thing on my hand and
 made it walk across the table.
 Monica: Anyway, it just doesn't seem worth it to make a whole turkey for
 just three people. Okay? It's a lot of work.
 Joey: But you gotta have turkey on Thanksgiving! I mean, Thanksgiving with no
 turkey is like-like Fourth of July with no apple pie! Or Friday with no two pizzas!
 Monica: All right fine! If it means that much to you! But just there's
 gonna be a ton left over.
 Joey: No there won't! I promise I will finish that turkey!
 Monica: All right, you're telling me you can eat an entire turkey in just
 one sitting?
 Joey: That's right!  Cause I'm a Tribbiani! (To Rachel) And this
 is what we do! I mean we may not be great thinkers or world leaders, we don't read a
 lot or run very fast, but damnit! We can eat!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is watching football, and it's actually
 the right game Green Bay at Detroit (although not this year's), as Monica is getting
 everything ready.]
 Monica: Hey, isn't weird to think about how next year at this time
 they'll be a little baby at the table? (Chandler turns around in horror.) (Seeing
 him) Rachel's! But good to know where you're at!
 Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
 Monica: Hey!
 Phoebe: Happy Thanksgiving!
 Monica: You too!
 Phoebe: Anything I can do to help?
 Monica: Actually there is. Chandler usually helps me with this, but he's
 really into the game so I don't want to bother him. Could you help me fold these
 napkins? (Hands her a stack of them.)
 Phoebe: Sure!
 Monica: I'm gonna go across the hall to check on the yams.
 Phoebe: Okay. (She starts folding the napkins in half.)
 Monica: No! No! No! No sweetie! No! Not like that! We're not at a barn
 dance. You've gotta you wanna fold them like swans. Like I showed you at
 Christmas time, remember?
 Phoebe: Yeah, it all just came screaming back to me. (Monica exits.) (To
 Chandler) So how's the game?
 Chandler: I have no idea.
 Phoebe: What?
 Chandler: Yeah! I'm just pretending to watch the game so I don't have
 to help out with stuff.
 Phoebe: I don't believe you! That is brilliant! And Monica has no
 idea?
 Chandler: Nope! Every once and a while I just scream stuff at the TV.
 (Monica enters and Chandler screams stuff at the TV.)
 Monica: Is your team winning hon?


Chandler: Yeah! Anderson just scored again! (To Phoebe) There's no
 Anderson.
 Phoebe: Well I want to get in on this. Hey Mon? I don't think I can help
 you after all, I didn't realize this game was on.
 Monica: Oh, I didn't know you liked football.
 Phoebe: Well normally I don't, but y'know (looks at the
 TV) Green Bay is playing.
 Monica: You like Green Bay?
 Phoebe: Well it's only like my favorite bay! (Actually, it's not bad.
 It just gets a little cold in winter, but in Wisconsin winter only lasts from August to
 June. J )
 (Phoebe joins Chandler on the couch as there is a knock on the door which Monica
 answers.)
 Monica: Hey!
 Will: Hey!
 (Oh, I should point out that the live studio audience at this point goes absolutely
 wild. And I had absolutely no idea that this Will character was that popular! Maybe they
 should make him the seventh friend. Which would work out just fine since he's already
 married to one of them. Will is played by some guy named Brad Pitt, I guess he's some
 sort of actor.)
 Will: Happy Thanksgiving!
 Monica: Aww thanks! God Will I'm so glad that you came! You look great! You
 must've lost like
 Will: 150 pounds. Yeah, I'm gonna be in one of those Subway sandwich
 commercials.
 Monica: A pie! (Will brought a pie.)
 Will: Oh right. All right, it's no fat, it's no sugar, it's no
 dairy it's no good. Throw it out.
 Monica: You wanna meet some people? This is uh; this is my husband Chandler.
 Chandler, this is Will.
 Will: Hey.
 Chandler: Oh hey. I'd shake your hand but uh; I'm really into the
 game. Plus, I think it'd be better for my ego if we didn't stand right next to
 each other.
 Monica: This is Phoebe.
 Phoebe: (nonchalantly glancing) Hey. (Turns back around.) Wow! (Looks up.) Well
 done.
 Monica: (to Will) Wanna give me a hand?
 Will: Sure! Monica, I can't get over how great you look! You look stunning!
 Monica: Well you look incredible too! You're just you're so fit!
 Chandler: I'm watching the game, but I'm not deaf!
 Monica: Oh umm, I meant to tell you, Ross is coming.
 Will: Ross is coming. Great! I love Ross!
 Monica: Good. And Rachel Green too. (Will stops suddenly.)
 Will: Oh.
 Monica: Is there a problem?
 Will: Nope. Uh, it's okay. It's just uh, God I hated her.
 Monica: What?
 Will: Yeah, I hated her. She was horrible to me in high school. But hey, it was
 a long time ago, I'm in a good place, it might be actually fun to see her again. You
 got any cakes or cookies or something? (Starts looking.) No Will no!
 Chandler: (To Phoebe) Y'know, it's been a while since we've
 screamed something. Maybe we should.
 Phoebe: Oh okay.
 Chandler: Oh come on!
 Phoebe: Noooo!! Damn you ref! You burn in hell!!!
 (Joey enters eating potato chips.)
 Monica: Hey, what are you doing? You gotta save room, you've got almost an
 entire turkey to eat.
 Joey: Let me explain to you how the human body works. I have to warm my stomach
 first. Eatin' chips is like stretching.
 Monica: All right.
 Joey: Don't worry, Tribbianis never get full.
 Will: I actually know what you're talking about. I'm here to tell you
 something my friend, you can eat and eat and eat but nothing will ever fill that void.
 Joey: (To Monica) Who the hell is this guy?
 Monica: Will! From high school.
 Joey: Oh hey!
 Monica: (to Will) Joey.
 Will: Hello.
 Ross: (entering) Will!
 Will: Ross!
 Ross: Hey-hey you came! Man you look incredible! Hot stuff! (They hug and Ross
 realizes what he said.) Hot stuff?
 Will: It's good to see you man.
 Ross: Yeah, you too. Man, so-so what are you up to?
 Will: I'm a commodities broker.
 Ross: Really? Yeah that-that sounds interesting.
 Will: Yeah, it's not. But I'm rich and thin.
 Ross: Oh! Man I don't think I've seen you since uh, Lance Davis'
 graduation party.
 Will: That was such a fun night!
 Ross: Yeah. It would've been good if we had gotten in, but still real fun.
 Will: Yeah.
 Ross: Yeah.
 Will: God we were lame back then. Do you remember how into dinosaurs we were?
 Ross: (laughs) Yeah.
 Will: So what do you, what do you do now?
 Ross: So how long are you in town?
 Rachel: (entering, carrying a baking dish) Hi!
 Monica: Hey sweetie. Oh good. (Takes the baking dish from her.)
 Will: (glaring at Rachel) Rachel Green.
 Ross: Aw oh, that's right. Are-are you gonna be okay?
 Will: Oh, I'll-I'll be fine. Just God I hate her Ross! I hate her!
 Ross: Will, high school was-was a long time ago.
 Will: Look at her standing there with those yams! My two greatest enemies Ross:
 Rachel Green and complex carbohydrates.


Rachel: (sees Will) Oh my God Monica, who is that?
 Monica: That's Will from high school!
 Rachel: Oh! I do not remember him! Wow! He's really got that sexy, smoldering
 thing going on. (We see Will angrily staring at Rachel.) Oh my God, he's  Look
 at the way he's just staring at me. I think he's trying to mouth something to
 me, but I can't make it out. (Will mouths, 'I hate you.')
 Monica: Okay, dinner's ready!
 Chandler: Good game!
 Phoebe: Yeah.
 Chandler: Yeah. Solid effort. Solid effort.
 Monica: Oh, so who won?
 Phoebe: (simultaneously) Green Bay.
 Chandler: (simultaneously) Detroit.
 Monica: What?
 Phoebe: Well the Lions technically won, but it was a moral victory for the Green
 Bay Mermen.
 (They sit down at the table and Will goes to talk to Rachel.)
 Rachel: Hi! Will, right?
 Will: Right.
 Rachel: Hi! I'm Rachel Green.
 Will: Oh I-I remember you.
 Rachel: Really?! Aren't you sweet! I gotta tell you though, I am, I am
 having the hardest time placing you. Oh-oh hang on! Did we umm, did we fool around at
 Lance Davis' graduation party?
 Will: You are unbelievable.
 Rachel: Thank you!
 Monica: (breaking it up) Uh Rachel? Rachel, why don't you sit here? (Next
 to Joey) And Will you sit way over there. (The other side of the table.)
 (Monica sets something on the table and removes the cover. It kinda looks like turkey.)
 Joey: That's it?! Even if nobody helps me I can eat that no problem. At
 least give me a challenge!
 Monica: (laughs) This is Chandler's chicken. This is the turkey. (Sets down
 a huge turkey.)
 Joey: (quietly) Oh. How-how big is that?
 Monica: About nineteen pounds.
 Joey: (To Rachel) It's like me when I was born.
 Rachel: All right, who would uh, like some yams? Will?
 Will: Oh, you'd like that wouldn't ya?
 Rachel: What? (Joey starts offering Ross some turkey.) Oh y'know what? Can
 we please keep the chicken and the turkey and everything on the other side of the table?
 The smell is just yuck!
 Will: (sneeze talks) Typical.
 Rachel: I'm sorry. What?
 Will: I said it was typical. Typical of you, Rachel Green, Queen Rachel does
 whatever she wants in little Rachel land. (Does a fake hair flip.)
 Joey: (To Monica) Seriously, who is this guy?
 Rachel: Umm, I'm sorry. Do you-do you have a problem with me?
 Will: I don't know? Do I? Do I?
 Phoebe: I think you do.
 Monica: (To Rachel) Apparently you were umm, a little mean to him in high
 school.
 Will: A little mean? You made my life miserable!
 Rachel: I'm-I'm I had no idea. I'm sorry. I
 Will: Well you should be. Screw it! Bring on the yams!
 Monica: Oh Will. But you-you've worked so hard
 Will: Yams!!!!
 Monica: Okay. (Chandler grabs the dish from Monica and hands it to Will who
 starts dishing out a large helping.)
 Rachel: Uh Will umm, I just want to say that I'm real sorry for whatever
 I-I did to you in high school
 Will: Oh, it wasn't just me. We had a club!
 Rachel: You had a club?!
 Will: That's right, The I Hate Rachel Green Club!
 Rachel: Whoa! My God! So what, you all just joined together to hate me?! Who
 else was in this club?
 Will: Me and Ross. (Points at Ross.)
 Ross: No need to point, she knows who Ross is.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, scene continued from earlier.]
 Rachel: (To Ross) So you were in an I Hate Rachel club?
 Will: Yes he was. (Holds up his hand for a high-five.)
 Ross: No. No.
 Rachel: So who else was in this club?
 Ross: Uh actually, there-there was also that exchange student from Thailand but
 I-I don't think he-he knew what it was.
 Rachel: So Ross, we went out for two years, and you never told me you were in an
 I Hate Rachel club.
 Will: You went out with her?! We had a pact!
 Ross: That was in high school! It's not like it was binding forever.
 Will: Then why did it have the word eternity in it?
 Rachel: Okay Monica, did you know about this?!
 Monica: I swear I didn't. (To Ross and Will) Hey! Is that why you guys used
 to go up to your bedroom and lock the door?
 Ross and Will: Yeah.
 Monica: Hmm, a little relieved, I gotta say.
 Ross: Look Rach I-I'm sorry, okay? I I was a stupid kid, okay? The
 only reason I joined
 Will: Co-founded!
 Ross:  co-founded. Co-founded the club was because I was insanely in love
 with you. Obviously I didn't handle it very well. But if you think about it the I
 Hate Rachel Club was really the I Love Rachel Club.
 Will: Uh, except that it was really the I Hate Rachel Club.
 Rachel: Okay. So what? You guys would just like get together and like just say
 mean things about me?
 Will: Well, we did a little more than that.


Ross: No-no! No-no. No-no.
 Phoebe: What?! What else did you do?
 Will: We started a rumor.
 Rachel: What rumor?
 Phoebe: Oh, come on Will! Just take off your shirt and tell us!
 Rachel: Ross!
 Ross: It was no big deal. We-we said that the rumor was that
 umm you had both male and female reproductive parts.
 Rachel: What?!
 Will: That's right! We said your parents flipped a coin, decided to raise
 you as a girl, but you still had a hint of a penis.
 Rachel: (shocked) Oh my God!
 Monica: You started that?!
 Rachel: What?! You heard that?! (Goes and stands behind Joey.)
 Monica: Everyone at our school heard it!
 Chandler: Everybody at my school heard it! You were the hermaphrodite
 cheerleader from Long Island?!
 Rachel: Oh no!!!! Oh my God!! This is all making so much sense to me now! This
 is why Adam Carter wouldn't go out with me! This is why Billy Tratt would just stay
 in this region! (Motions to her breasts.) (Joey has turned around.)
 Ross: Actually, Billy Tratt is gay now. So-so that one's not really our
 fault.
 Rachel: Monica, how come you never told me this?!
 Monica: I thought it might be true. And I was afraid that you were gonna cry and
 then show it to me.
 (Joey is now looking at Rachel, and since Rachel's standing and he's sitting
 down and he's not looking at her face  You get the picture.)
 Rachel: Joey stop staring! There's nothing there! It's not true!
 Joey: I'm afraid I'm gonna need proof.
 Rachel: Oh! (Hits him and storms out.)
 [Time Lapse, dinner has ended for everyone except Joey who looks like to have finished
 the turkey, until he turns the plate around and reveals he only ate one side.]
 Joey: You are my Everest.
 Monica: Joey, you don't have to finish that.
 Joey: Oh yes I do. Otherwise what's next? Today I'm just a guy who
 can't finish a turkey, but tomorrow I'm the guy who eats half a Powerbar,
 wraps up the rest, and puts in the fridge? No! No, I just I just I gotta change
 my pants. (Gets up and heads for the door.) Jeans have no give. (Exits.)
 Rachel: (entering carrying a book) Okay! Okay! Listen to what Sean McMahon wrote
 in my yearbook senior year, 'Dear Rach, you're such a good person.' Not
 girl! Person!
 Ross: Rach, I think you're reading a little too much into it.
 Rachel: (reading what he wrote again) 'Dear Rach, you're a great
 person. Sorry about your tiney-wienie.' (Will laughs.)
 Ross: Look, what do you want me to do? Do you want me to call everyone in the
 entire school and tell them it wasn't true?!
 Rachel: Yes!
 Will: Could you also tell them I'm skinny now?
 Monica: Oh! Me too!
 Ross: Well look-look I'm not calling anybody! Okay? It was like a million
 years ago!
 Rachel: I don't care how long ago it was! You told people that I was half
 and half! Y'know what? I just want to point out I never did anything to hurt you in
 high school.
 Monica: That's not totally true.
 Rachel: What?
 Ross: What?
 Monica: Well you-you did start that rumor about Ross making out with Mrs.
 Altman, our 50-year-old librarian.
 Ross: (shocked) (To Rachel) How did you know that?!!!!
 Monica: It's true?!!
 Ross: No.
 Rachel: Yes it is! I saw you guys going at it behind the card catalog!
 (Ross is at a loss for words.)
 Will: Mrs. Altman? She also made out with Takaka Ci-Kek the night before he went
 back to Thailand.
 Chandler: I'm sorry. When you were in high school you made out with a
 50-year-old woman?
 Ross: Hey! She didn't look 50!
 Chandler: Did she look 16?
 Rachel: Ohh, there's a picture of her in the yearbook actually.
 Phoebe: Oh! (They all look.) Wow!
 Ross: She didn't photograph well!
 Chandler: Well, she probably wasn't familiar with the process having spent
 most of her life sitting for oil paintings!
 Phoebe: So how did this happen? Did she, did she lure you to an early bird
 dinner?
 Ross: I was working late in the library one afternoon. It was just the two of
 us. She needed some help with her word jumble. And one thing led to another. If you must
 know, Anita was very gentle and tender. May she rest in peace
 Monica: Didn't she walk with a cane?
 Ross: Only when it was damp!! (To Rachel) I can't believe you-you told
 people about this?! Everybody knew?! Y'know what? (To Will) I'm back in the
 club!
 Will: Yeah! (They high-five.)
 Phoebe: I wanna join!
 Rachel: Wh Phoebe!!
 Phoebe: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I never got to be in a club. I-I
 didn't go to high school, but three of us would meet behind a dumpster to learn
 French. Bonjour.
 Rachel: All right, y'know Fine! You guys have your stupid little club,
 but I would just like to say is what you did to me is way worse than what I did to you!
 You gave me a tiney-wienie! (Will laughs.)