Chandler: Okay, well I won't uh, worry about this anymore then.
 Monica: And-and-and if I die, from a long illness. And you're writing out
 my eulogy and you open a desk drawer and you find a note from me that says, 'I will
 always be with you,' and you still can't shed one tiny tear, I know you'll
 be crying a river inside.
 Chandler: Aww, I love you so
 Monica: What is wrong with you?!!!
 Chandler: What?!
 Monica: What?! You can't shed a tear for your dead wife!! Now, I left you a
 note from the beyond!
 Chandler: So you didn't mean any of that?!
 Monica: No you robot!!
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, his doorbell is ringing and he's running to answer it
 while doing up his pants.]
 Ross: You damn kids! You ring my bell one more time, I swear to  (Opens the
 door to find Jill standing there.) Ohh, uh Jill. Umm, that-that's just a little game
 I play with the kids down the hall. Umm, they've really taken a liking to me.
 (Quickly looks out to see if they're watching.) Uhh
 what's-what's-what's the matter?
 Jill: Rachel and I had a really big fight, can I come in? I-I mean I know
 we're not supposed to see each other anymore and I'm okay with that, it's
 just that I don't know anybody in the city and I really need somebody to talk to
 about it.
 Ross: Of course, what happened? (Lets her in.)
 Jill: (entering) I don't want to talk about it.
 Ross: Okay, umm
 Jill: But you know what might really cheer me up?
 Ross: What?
 Jill: Seeing some more of your super-cool slides.
 Ross: Wow! Really?!
 Jill: Totally, I love them! And, maybe you could finish telling me about all the
 different kinds of sand.
 Ross: Well, I'd love to! Here, you wait right here and I'll go get the
 projector and my notes!
 Jill: Oh great! Thanks Ross, you're such a good friend!
 Ross: Ohh!
 (He goes into another room to get his projector and notes. While he's gone, Jill
 quickly checks her makeup.
 [Cut to Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is entering.]
 Rachel: Hey! Have you guys seen Jill? I can't find her anywhere.
 Monica: No, I haven't.
 Rachel: Well, is Ross home? Maybe I'll just call him to see if he's
 actually seen her.
 (She goes to look out the window at Ross's apartment and sees Jill staring at her
 and closing the drapes with an evil look on her face. Rachel is stunned into silence.)
 [Scene: Ursula's apartment, Phoebe is going to confront her twin about her new
 porn career.]
 Ursula: Who is it?
 Phoebe: It's Phoebe! Phoebe!
 (Ursula opens the door and is all dressed up with big hair and lingerie.)
 Ursula: Hey!
 Phoebe: (seeing her dress) Oh God. So-so you're making porn movies.
 Ursula: No I'm not.
 (Someone calls out from her apartment.)
 Man's Voice: We're still rolling!
 Phoebe: You're making one right now!
 Another Man's Voice: Let's go Phoebe!
 Phoebe: And-and you're using my name!
 Ursula: Yeah, can I help you with something?
 Same Man's Voice: Phoebe, come on!
 Phoebe: Look, I'm talking right now! You're you mean her.
 Ursula: Y'know, twin stuff is always a real big seller.
 Phoebe: What?!
 Ursula: Yeah, I can talk them into giving you like, 30 dollars.
 Phoebe: No!! No way! No! And stop using my name! And shame on you! (Yells into
 the apartment) And shame on all of you! You're disgusting! Especially you (points to
 someone) with that! (Storms away.)
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is setting up for the slide show.]
 Ross: Slides are almost ready.
 Jill: Yeah. Ooh, I know what this is missing! Alcohol!
 Ross: Uh okay, well there's-there's wine in the kitchen.
 Jill: Oh great! (Goes to get it as the phone rings.)
 Ross: (answering it) Hello?
 Rachel: (on phone) What is my sister doing there?! And why are the
 drapes shut?!
 Ross: O-okay, Rach calm-calm down, okay? She-she's really upset we're
 just talking.
 Rachel: Ross! I think she is trying to make something happen with you to get
 back at me!
 Ross: So that's the only reason she could be here huh? It couldn't
 have anything to do with the fact that-that maybe I'm a good listener and I uh I put
 on a great slide show!
 Rachel: Ross, I am telling you that she is using you to get back at me!
 Ross: Y'know what? I think I can take care of myself, I'll talk to you
 later. Good-bye. (Hangs up the phone and turns to find Jill sitting really close to him.)
 Whoa! Uh, that was your sister actually. She-she thinks that you're just using me.
 Jill: So? (Kisses him passionately.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is reading a paper as Phoebe enters.]
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Joey: Hey!
 Phoebe: So, I just came from the company Ursula works for.


 The One That Could Have Been
 The One That Could Have Been
 Part I Written by: Greg Malins & Adam Chase
 Part II Written by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman
 Parts I & II Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 (Transcriber's Note: This is an hour-long special episode. Which means that the
 first part of this episode is episode 615. The second part of this episode is episode 616.
 Since episodes 615 and 616 are combined into one file, that's why there is no episode
 616 in the season 6 table of contents and the numbers jump from episode 615 to 617.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Rachel enters.]
 Rachel: Hey, you guys! Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce!
 Monica: Oh my God!
 Phoebe: Wow!
 Joey: (To Ross) What is the matter with you?!
 Phoebe: No! Barry and Mindy.
 Joey: Oh sorry, I hear divorce I immediately go to Ross. (To Rachel)
 Who-who's Barry and Mindy?
 Rachel: Barry was the guy that I was almost married and Mindy was my best
 friend.
 Joey: Ohh-oh, wasn't he cheating on you with her?
 Rachel: Yeah, but that just means that he was falling asleep on top of her
 instead of me.
 Monica: Why did they get divorced?
 Rachel: Well, apparently she caught him cheating on her with someone else.
 Isn't that sad? (Giggles.) God, could you imagine if I actually married him?! I mean
 how different would my life be?
 Ross: I know what you mean, I've always wondered how different my life
 would be if-if I'd never gotten divorced.
 Phoebe: Which time?
 Ross: The first time! No seriously, imagine if Carol hadn't realized she
 was a lesbian.
 Joey: (starts to imagine it) I can't. I keep seeing it the good way.
 Ross: I'd bet I'd still be doing my kara-tay. (That's karate,
 he's just saying it that way.) Towards the end of our marriage I was doing a lot of
 kara-tay as a way of releasing the tension from y'know, not doing anything else
 physical.
 Chandler: Maybe the problem was you were pronouncing it kara-tay.
 Monica: And what if I was still fat? (To Chandler) Well, you wouldn't be
 dating me, that's for sure.
 Chandler: Sure I would!
 All: (simultaneously) Oh yeah! Come on! Yeah right!
 Chandler: What, you guys really think that I'm that shallow?
 Ross: No, I just think Monica was that fat.
 Joey: Hey, imagine if I never got fired off Days Of Our Lives! (Closes
 his eyes to do so.) Oh-hey, there's Carol again!
 Chandler: What if I had had the guts to quit my job? I'd probably be
 writing for the New Yorker, getting paid to be funny. But my job's fun too! I
 mean tomorrow, I-I don't have to wear a tie.
 Phoebe: What if I had taken that job at Merrill Lynch?
 Ross: What?!
 Rachel: Merrill Lynch?
 Phoebe: Yeah, I had a massage client who worked there and-and he said I had a
 knack for stocks.
 Rachel: Well why didn't you take the job?
 Phoebe: Because at that time you see, I thought everything that rhymed was true.
 So I thought y'know that if I'd work with stocks, I'd have to live in a
 box, and only eat lox, and have a pet fox.
 Ross: Hey, do you guys think that if all those things happened, we'd still
 hang out?
 Opening Credits
 (Transcriber's note: This is where the opening credits are, but they're not
 the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would
 have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them
 at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the
 couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachel's still a
 shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating
 a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then
 they're dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a
 groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling
 asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And
 finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp
 and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this
 is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesn't apply, for
 instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years
 in this world.)
 [Scene: A newsstand, Ross is buying a magazine and gets in line behind a woman.]
 Ross: (recognizing her) Oh my God! Rachel Green?
 Rachel: (gasps) Rob Tillman!
 Ross: No-no. It's-it's me, Ross!
 Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry. Ross Tillman.
 Ross: No, no-no, Ross Geller.


Rachel: Ohh, of course Monica's brother!
 Ross: Yeah. Right.
 Rachel: Wow! How are you?!
 Ross: Good-good, I'm-I'm married. (Shows her his ring.)
 Rachel: Ohh! Me too!
 Ross: Is-isn't it the best?
 Rachel: Oh, it's the best! (They both exhale contemplating the joys of
 marriage.) So, umm how's Monica?
 Ross: Oh really, really great! Yeah! A-actually she's right down the
 street, umm, do-do you know what? You should stop bye and say hi.
 Rachel: Ohh, I would love too.
 Ross: Yeah? Oh-oh, she'd be so excited!
 Rachel: Ohh! Okay!
 Ross: Come on! (They start to leave.)
 Rachel: Oh wait, don't you have to pay for your, (looks at his magazine)
 Busty Ladies?
 Ross: No, it's okay. Some-some kid asked me to pick it up for him, but I
 don't
 Rachel: (laughs) Oh yeah? Okay.
 Ross: (putting the magazine back and holding the money for it) Okay.
 Rachel: But! Don't you have to give him his money back?
 Ross: Uh-huh. (Steps to a random kid nearby and hands him his money.) Hey, here
 you go buddy. Sorry, no porn for you. (To Rachel) Okay, let's go see Monica!
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch.
 Monica's boyfriend is getting up to get something. For future reference, for the rest
 of this episode Monica's fat, I won't be calling her Fat Monica throughout.]
 Joey: So Monica, still going out with Dr. Boring huh?
 Monica: He's not boring! He's just-he's just low key.
 Monica's Boyfriend: (returning) Here we go, one Hazelnut Latte. (Hands it to
 Monica and sits down.)
 Monica: Thanks.
 Monica's Boyfriend: Yeah. Y'know, the hazelnut actually not a nut,
 it's a seed.
 Joey: (not impressed) Wow!!
 Monica's Boyfriend: Can anyone else name a well known seed that's been
 masquerading as a nut?
 Joey: Oh dear God, let me think. (Starts to sarcastically think about it.)
 Chandler: (entering, depressed) Hey.
 Joey: Hey.
 Monica: Oh no! What's the matter?
 Chandler: Oh I just got another rejection letter. They said my writing was
 funny, just not 'Archie Comic funny.'
 Monica's Boyfriend: Y'know what honey? I got to get back to the hospital.
 Monica: Okay.
 Monica's Boyfriend: (kisses her) Okay.
 Monica: Bye.
 Monica's Boyfriend: Bye-bye. (Gets up to leave.) Oh uh, by the way, the answer
 is, the Brazil nut. (Exits.)
 Chandler: Was his question what's more boring than him?
 Joey: Hey man, look sorry about that Archie thing. Do uh, do you need me
 to give you some money?
 Chandler: Hey, I may have no money, but I still have my pride.
 Joey: Really?
 Chandler: Ehh.
 Monica: Maybe Joey doesn't have to give you the money, TV stars have
 assistants right?
 Joey: That's an idea! (To Chandler) Hey, if I hired an assistant,
 would-would you take money from her?
 Monica: No Joey! Chandler could be your assistant! See, he could answer all of
 your fan mail and stuff!
 Joey: That's great! That would be great! Let's do that!
 Chandler: I could use the money; it could give me time to write.
 Joey: Oh right great! Welcome aboard!
 Chandler: Okay!
 Joey: All right! Now hey, I need to use the bathroom. Since I don't need
 any assistance in there, take a break!
 Chandler: All right!
 (As Joey goes to the bathroom, Corporate Phoebe enters. She's wearing a business
 suit and carrying a briefcase.)
 Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
 Monica: Hey Phoebe! Guess what?
 Phoebe: What?
 Monica: Joey just hired Chandler to be his assistant!
 Phoebe: Ohh that's so sweet! (Her cell phone rings.) Oh! Hang on! (Quickly
 grabs a cigarette and starts to light it as her phone rings.) Hang onnnnnn!!! (Gets the
 cigarette lighted and answers the phone.) (On phone.) Go!! No! No-no! I said sell when it
 hits 50! 5-0, it's a number! It comes after 4-9!! No, it's okay. It's okay,
 you're allowed one mistake. Just kidding, you are of course fired.
 (She hangs up as Ross and Rachel enter.)
 Ross: Hey Mon!
 Monica: Hey!
 Ross: Mon, look who I ran into! (Gestures towards Rachel.)
 Monica: (gets up and gasps) Oh my God! Rachel!! (Rachel is stunned to see that
 her long lost friend is still fat.) (Monica goes over and gives Rachel a big bear hug,
 which is quite easy for her.) You look terrific!
 Rachel: Ohh, so do you! Did you lose weight? (She's not quite sure of that
 one.)
 Monica: You are so sweet to notice! Yes, I lost three and a half pounds!
 Ross: And, and uh, you-you remember my friend Chandler. (Points to him.)
 Chandler: Hey.
 Rachel: Oh yeah.
 Ross: And that's Phoebe over there! (Points to her.)
 Phoebe: Hi!
 Monica: Oh my God, sit down! Sit down! How long as it been since we've seen
 each other?
 Ross: (answering it) 1987, the day after Christmas, at Sean McMahon's
 party. I played you one of my songs, y'know Interplanetary Courtship Ritual.


Rachel: Oh yeah. Right. So now, are do you, do you still do music?
 Ross: Sometimes, you should come over (Joey returns from the bathroom) sometime!
 I'll play you one of my other
 Rachel: (interrupting him and seeing Joey) Oh my God! Joey Tribbiani from Days
 of Our Lives, just walked in here!
 Monica: Rach, he's a friend of ours.
 Rachel: (stunned) You are friends with Dr. Drake Remoray?
 Chandler: Well it's kinda hard to be friends with Drake because of his busy
 schedule and the fact that he's not real.
 Ross: (To Rachel) Hey-hey, or I could bring my keyboard over here
 sometime!
 Rachel: He's coming over! He's coming over!
 Monica: (getting up) Joey!
 Joey: (holding a plate of what looks like Rice Crispies Treats) I know,
 here-here!! (Hands her the plate.)
 Monica: Ohhh! (Takes the plate.) No! This is my friend Rachel, we went to High
 School together.
 Rachel: (giggles and can't look at him) Hi!
 Joey: (shaking Rachel's hand) Hi!
 Rachel: (still not quite able to look at him) Hi! I love you on that show! I
 watch you everyday! I mean, when you took out your own kidney to save your ex-wife even
 though she tired to kill you
 Joey: Well, it's always nice to meet the fans.
 Rachel: Ah!
 Joey: (turning and whispering to Monica) She's not crazy is she?
 Monica: No.
 Joey: (To Rachel) So uh, how you doin'?
 [Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Phoebe's cell
 phone rings and she goes through her little routine of lighting a cigarette before
 answering the phone.]
 Phoebe: Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! (Answering the phone.) Go!! Who's this?
 (Listens) Oh okay, you're gonna like working for me. What's your name? (Listens)
 What kind of name is Brendy? I  Whatever  Stop talking! All right, from now on
 your name is Joan. You can pick your own last name.
 Joey: (entering) Hey there you are!
 Chandler: Uh-oh, it's my boss!
 Joey: All right, here's a list of things for you to do today. Man, this
 going to be so great! Thank you so much! All right, I got to go to work I'm
 delivering twins today, but only one of them is mine! (Exits.)
 Chandler: (reading the list) Drop off my dry cleaning. Pick up my vitamins.
 Teach me how to spell vitamins. Wear in my new jeans.
 Monica: (laughs) You realize what you are don't you?
 Chandler: What?
 Monica: You're his bitch.
 Phoebe: (yelling from Monica's room) No-no!! No!!
 Monica: (panicked) Oh wait! You didn't just sit on my Kit-Kats did
 you?!!
 Phoebe: No! There-there was a little, a little diff in the market and I lost 13
 million dollars.
 Chandler: But the Kit-Kats are all right?!
 Phoebe: What am I gonna do?! What am I gonna do?! I can't call my office
 they'll kill me! I can't call my clients they'll kill themselves! Great,
 now my chest hearts.
 Monica: What?!
 Phoebe: (louder) My chest hurts! Oh, and now I-I can't breathe.
 Chandler: Phoebe, are you having a heart attack?!
 Phoebe: Oh, if I were, would-would I have shooting pains up and down my left
 arm?
 Monica: Yes!!
 Phoebe: Then yes that is what I'm having. (Takes another puff of the
 cigarette.)
 Monica: Oh my God!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: A hospital, Phoebe is recovering from her heart attack as Ross, Monica, and
 Chandler are there to comfort and support her.]
 Ross: Come on Pheebs, it's not that bad! Y'know most people would be
 excited if they didn't have to work for a couple of weeks.
 Phoebe: Most people don't like their jobs, I love my job! I have not
 been working for three hours and I'm already going crazy. I miss Joan.
 Monica: Honey, having a heart attack is nature's way of telling you to slow
 it down.
 Chandler: I always thought having a heart attack was nature's way of
 telling you to die! (Phoebe glares at him.) But you're not gonna die. I mean, you are
 going to die, but you're not gonna die today. I wish I was dead.
 Monica: Let's take a walk. (They start to leave.) Y'know maybe you
 should consider writing for Talking Out of Your Ass magazine! (They exit.)
 Phoebe: (To Ross) So what's going on with you?
 Ross: Well umm, I've been doing a lot more of my kara-tay.
 Phoebe: Still going through that dry spell with Carol?
 Ross: Yeah.
 Phoebe: How long has it been since you had sex?
 Ross: Well, last weekend
 Phoebe: Oh that's not so bad.
 Ross:  will be two months
 Phoebe: That is.
 Ross:  since I stopped trying.
 Phoebe: Maybe you need to spice things up a little.
 Ross: What-what do you mean?
 Phoebe: I don't know. You could tie her up, she could tie you up; you could
 eat stuff off each other
 Ross: Oh.
 Phoebe: Y'know, dirty talk, menage e trois, toys


Ross: Wow!
 Phoebe: Roll playing  You could be the warden; she could be the prisoner.
 You could be the pirate; she could be the wench!
 Ross: Okay, I think I got it.
 Phoebe: Yeah! Or too, you could be two stockbrokers and
 you're-you're-you're rolling around naked on the trading floor and
 everybody's watching! (Ross looks at her.) It never happened.
 [Scene: A hospital hallway, Chandler is sitting on a gurney with his hands spread out
 behind his back. Then Monica comes and plops down on the gurney and one of his hands.
 Chandler immediately recoils in extreme pain.]
 Monica: Sorry. So how's it going with Joey?
 Chandler: Oh just great. He beeps me now with codes. One is, 'Bring me
 food.' Two is, 'I'm with a girl, bring us food.' Three is,
 'I'm lost and I can't find food.'
 Joey: (entering) Hey! Is uh, is she gonna be all right?
 Monica: Yeah! She's right in there! (Points to Phoebe's room.)
 Joey: Oh great. (Starts to go in.) (To Chandler) Hey! Go take off those pants,
 they look ready!
 [Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is showing Rachel around the set.]
 Joey: All right, and over there is Brady's Pub where I like to unwind after
 a long day of surgeoning.
 Rachel: Wow! This is so amazing! What else? What else?
 Joey: Well, that is a large piece of television equipment. (Points at a
 large piece of television equipment as an old man walks by.) And uh that is an old
 man! Hey old man!
 Rachel: Hey!
 Joey: All righty, what do you say we head back to my place?
 Rachel: (laughs) Wow! Umm, y'know, I-I would really love to, but I-I
 shouldn't.
 Joey: Why? (In Drake's voice.) Why can't the world stop turning, just
 for a moment? Just for us?
 Rachel: (awestruck, then not) Isn't that a line from the show?!
 Joey: Uh, yeah but uh, (In Drake's voice) I may have said those things
 before but, I never truly meant them. Until now.
 Rachel: That's a line from the show too!
 Joey: Okay, you watch too much TV.
 Chandler: (approaching) Here you go Joe, here's the freshly squeezed orange
 juice you asked for. (Hands it to him.)
 Joey: Thanks! (Looks at it.) Yeah, there's pulp in that. (Hands it back.)
 Chandler: Yeah?
 Joey: I thought we talked about this. I don't like pulp. No pulp. Pulp
 isn't juice. All juice, okay?
 Chandler: I'm sorry, I guess I just like the pulp.
 Joey: Oh my God, I'm sorry, I'm being so rude. (Turns to Rachel.)
 Rachel, would like a soda or something? Because Chandler would run right out and get it.
 Rachel: Yeah sure, iced tea would be great.
 Joey: (To Chandler) Iced tea.
 Chandler: Okay, anything for you sir?
 Joey: (To Rachel) Did I not just tell him?
 Rachel: (mouthing it to him) Yes, you did.
 Joey: (To Chandler) Okay look, Chandler, if this (Motions back and forth
 indicating the arrangement.) you have got to listen! (Tugs on his ear.) (Chandler glares
 at him.) You're gonna throw that juice at me, aren't ya?
 Chandler: It's not all juice! (Rachel quickly gets out of the way.)
 [Scene: Ross and Carol's, Ross is trying to talk to Carol about what Phoebe told him.]
 Ross: So honey, this morning was fun, huh? Me hopping in on you in the shower
 there.
 Carol: Yeah! And maybe someday we could get a place with two bathrooms.
 Ross: Look Carol umm, I was, I was thinking maybe uh, maybe we can spice things
 up a little.
 Carol: What do you mean?
 Ross: Carol our sex life is it's just not working
 Ben: (entering) Dad!! (Runs and hugs him.)
 Ross: Hey there little fella! Hey, uh-hey, why don't we get some shoes on
 ya, huh? Hey, why don't you show dad how you can put your shoes on, in your room!
 Yay!!
 Ben: Yay! (Runs off.)
 Ross: Yay! (To Carol) Seriously, our sex life  I was thinking, maybe I
 don't know, we could try some-some new things. Y'know? For fun?
 Carol: Like what?
 Ross: Well I don't know umm, (Pause) what if we were too tie each other up?
 (Carol's shocked and obviously doesn't like that idea.) Umm, some people eat
 stuff off one another. (Carol doesn't like that idea either.) Nah! Umm, y'know
 we-we could try dirty talk? (Carol still says no.) Umm, we could, we could have a
 threesome.
 Carol: (quickly) I love that idea!
 [Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is eating breakfast as Chandler enters.]
 Chandler: Who sold a story to Archie Comics?!
 Monica: Oh my God! That's great! Oh wow! (Hugs him.) You're a
 published writer! I wish I had a present for you!
 Chandler: Aww.
 Monica: Wait a minute! (Quickly checks her pockets and pulls out ) My last Kit-Kat
 bar!
 (Chandler tries to take it, but Monica won't let go. He tugs harder, and she still
 doesn't budge.)


Chandler: You wanna share it?
 Monica: Okay!!
 Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey Chandler look, I know you're mad, but I just want
 to say I'm sorry. I-I was a total jerk. Completely o-over the line. Uh, I just I hate
 pulp! Y'know? I mean, y'know how Monica feels about low fat mayonnaise?
 Monica: It's not mayonnaise!!
 Joey: Yeah, o-o-o-o-okay anyway, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Here.
 (Hands him a cup.)
 Chandler: What's this?
 Joey: Fresh squeezed orange juice, with pulp! Just the way you like it.
 Chandler: Aww, thanks man. (They hug.)
 Monica: Hey Joey, Chandler sold a story to Archie Comics!
 Joey: Oh my God! That's great! Congratulations! What's the story?!
 Chandler: Oh you wouldn't uh, care. It's just a stupid comic book
 story.
 Joey: Are you kidding me?! I love Archie! And the whole gang!
 Chandler: Well uh, Archie needs money to fix his jalopy (Joey laughs), uh but he
 doesn't want Reggie to just give him the money. So Reggie hires him as his
 assist as his butler. And then makes him do all these crazy things like bring him
 milkshakes that can't have lumps in them.
 Joey: Wait a minute. That sounds a little familiar! Did they already do that
 one?  Cause I think I read it!
 [Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there as Rachel enters.]
 Rachel: Oh Mon, listen I have to ask! Okay, Joey Tribbiani invited me back to
 his apartment, now does he do this with a lot of girls?
 Monica: Yeah, a lot. A lot, a lot!
 Rachel: Ohh! And I'm one of them!! Wow! Oh, I just cannot believe this! I
 mean, Joey Tribbiani!
 Monica: Well, y'know it's none of my business, but aren't you
 married?
 Rachel: Yeah. Oh I just wish we could not be married for a little bit!
 Y'know I just wish we could be like on a break!
 Monica: Well, you're not.
 Rachel: Oh, it's so easy for you I mean, you're not married, you get
 to have sex with who ever you want!
 Monica: Yeah I can! (Laughs) And don't think I don't, because I do! I
 mean all the time, you betcha! (Laughs.)
 Rachel: Monica. You've, you've done it right?
 Monica: (giggles) Of course I have! What do you think, I'm some 30 year old
 virgin?
 Rachel: Oh my God! You're a 30 year old virgin!
 Monica: Say it louder, I don't think the guy all the way in the back heard
 you!
 Guy All the Way in the Back: Yeah, I heard it.
 Monica: It's not like, I haven't any opportunities. I mean,
 y'know, I'm just waiting for the perfect guy. I'm seeing this guy Roger,
 all right? He's not perfect, but umm, I think maybe I should just get it over with.
 Y'know, give him my flower.
 Rachel: Oh my God!! Do it!! Honey, you've waited long enough!!
 Monica: Y'know what? You are right?!
 Rachel: Yes!! I mean sex does not have to be a big deal! There shouldn't be
 all this rules and restrictions! Y'know, people should be able to sleep with who ever
 they want, whenever
 Monica: Rachel! I'm never gonna think it's okay for you to cheat on
 your husband!
 Rachel: Oh what do you know? Virgin!
 [Scene: The hospital, Ross and Monica are in Phoebe's room. Phoebe is in the
 bathroom and Monica notices smoke coming out from underneath the door.]
 Monica: Phoebe, why is smoke coming out of the bathroom?!
 Phoebe: Oh yeah, the doctor said that could be one of the side effects.
 Monica: Phoebe! Put that cigarette out!
 Phoebe: No! It's not a cigarette! The smoke is coming out of me!
 Monica: Put it out!!
 Phoebe: Okay! Okay! (Puts it out and comes out of the bathroom.) I'm so
 glad you're here.
 Ross: Come on. (Helps her into bed as her phone rings.) I got it.
 Phoebe: Oh, give it to me.
 Ross: I got it!
 Phoebe: Give it!
 (He does a kara-tay move to silence her, then answers the phone.)
 Ross: (on the phone) Hello? (Listens.) No she can't come to the phone right
 now. (Listens.) Oh, right no problem. Okay, bye-bye. (Hangs up.)
 Phoebe: Was it my work? Were they mad? Was it Jack? Did he yell?!
 Ross: J-j-just relax, nobody yelled. Jack just was calling to make sure that you
 were getting better.
 Phoebe: Thank God.
 Ross: (To Monica) Yeah, she's fired.
 [Scene: Rachel and Barry's bedroom, Rachel is watching Days of Our Lives.
 Of course it's a Dr. Drake Remoray scene. It's set in a hospital room, and Dr.
 Wesley and a nurse are talking about a female patient with a bandage around her head.]
 Nurse: You've done all you can Dr. Wesley. You have got to let
 her go.
 Dr. Wesley: Good-bye and God speed, Hope Brady.
 (He goes to turn off a machine. Suddenly, Dr. Drake Remoray appears at the door with
 two cops!)
 Dr. Drake Remoray: Not so fast Wesley! (Rachel does a silent clap.)
 Dr. Wesley: (with evil dripping off his tongue) Remoray!
 Dr. Drake Remoray: That's right Wesley! I just stopped by to say that,
 you're not a real doctor! And that woman's brain, is fine!


Rachel: (very relived) Oh! Thank God!
 [Cut back to the TV, the cops are leading Dr. Wesley out, and as they pass Remoray and
 Wesley exchange evil glances.]
 Dr. Drake Remoray: Hope! Hope!
 Hope: (sleepily) Drake!
 Dr. Drake Remoray: You're not dying Hope, you're gonna live a long,
 healthy life. With me.
 Hope: Oh Drake.
 [Drake and Hope kiss.]
 Rachel: Okay! (She picks up the phone, Joey's phone number, and starts to
 dial.) Here we go! Okay! (On phone.) Hi, Joey! It's Rachel! Umm, I am free tomorrow
 night. Yeah, sure, sure I can bring some sandwiches.
 Commercial Break
 (Transcriber's Note: This is where Part II begins, which means this is now episode
 616.)
 [Scene: Ross and Carol's, Carol is working on something at the table and Ross is
 reading a newspaper on the couch.]
 Ross: So honey this uh, this threesome thing umm, I mean how-how are you gonna
 start to find
 Carol: Ooh, actually I've been making a list of all the women I know who
 might be into doing this!
 Ross: Oh. (He takes the notepad she was using and looks at it.) Wow! (Flips to
 another page.) Huh. (Flips another page.) Boy! (Flips another page.) Well, someone's
 been doing their homework. (Flips two more pages.)
 Carol: Yeah. Ooh, and I know Gail Rosten is in there twice, but she is so
 Ross: Oh, I know. (Laughs) Y'know, just-just talking about it is getting me
 kinda
 Carol: Oh, me too.
 Ross: Yeah? Well, I-I think Ben's asleep.
 Carol: Oh umm, y'know I think it would be better if we just save it.
 Ross: Yeah. Right. Save it. I can do that. (Gets up and does a little kara-tay.)
 [Scene: The hospital, Chandler and Monica are there with Phoebe as Ross enters.]
 Ross: Hey, Pheebs!
 Phoebe: Hey.
 Ross: Hey, how's it going?
 Phoebe: Well, I've got to get out of this bed, I'm going crazy here.
 Crazy!
 Monica: (handing her a cup) Here you go sweetie.
 Phoebe: What the hell is this, herbal tea? I hate herbal tea!
 Monica: But, I put some honey in it.
 (Phoebe mocks what Monica just said. Ross pulls Chandler aside.)
 Ross: She doesn't know she was fired yet, does she?
 Chandler: No, the doctors say it may kill her.
 Phoebe: What are you two girls whispering about over there?!
 Chandler: (To Ross) But I think we should tell her.
 Ross: Hey Pheebs, maybe this whole heart attack thing is a sign, that-that you
 should start think about getting a different job.
 Phoebe: Okay, what is this? A stupid contest? Because we got a winner here!
 (Points at Ross.)
 Chandler: Listen Phoebe, he's right. People are not supposed to have heart
 attacks at 31.
 Phoebe: I know! But if I didn't work there, what else would I do?
 Monica: Well, you used to like playing the guitar.
 Phoebe: Yeah that was lucrative! Smart like your brother!
 Chandler: Uh, what about y'know the massage thing? That never gave you a
 heart attack.
 Phoebe: Hmm, pulling in a salary in the high six figures or rubbing gross naked
 people for chump change ooh, what do I do?! What will I do?!
 [Scene: Joey's apartment, (The one he had when he was Dr. Drake Remoray, because he
 still is.) Rachel is there and admiring the big ceramic fake dog.]
 Rachel: Ohh, I mean it's just so realistic!
 Joey: I know. (Joey is sitting in this tall chair that is made up of balls on
 polls. You'll have to see it to know what I mean.) Yeah, his name is Pat.
 Rachel: Pat the dog. Oh! Oh! I get it!! (Laughs and finishes her drink.)
 Joey: (climbing down from his chair) Do you uh, do you ready for a refill?
 Rachel: Oh, I probably shouldn't so I will! (Joey starts making her
 refill and Rachel notices that rain thing Joey has.) Oh! Wow! It's like it's
 raining!
 Joey: Pretty cool, huh? But if you're thinking you can put a fish in there
 and it wouldn't get sucked up into the mechanism, well you'd be wrong.
 Rachel: Umm, can I use your bathroom?
 Joey: It's uh, right through there. (Points.)
 Rachel: Okay. (Starts to go.) God y'know, if someone told me a week ago
 that I would be peeing in Joey Tribbiani's apartment
 Joey: Yeah, life's pretty great isn't it?
 Rachel: Yeah, it sure is!
 [Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is pouring wine for her boyfriend, Dr. Roger.]
 Monica: I hope you're hungry, we're starting with oysters. And
 y'know what they say about oysters, don't you?
 Dr. Roger: They have parasites?
 Monica: No! Umm well, some people say that Oysters are an aphrodisiac.
 Dr. Roger: What people?
 Monica: People! People say it! Come here! (She grabs him and kisses him.)
 Dr. Roger: So oysters, huh?
 Monica: And then we're gonna have a little Middle Eastern cous-cous.
 Something we can eat, with our hands.
 Dr. Roger: Y'know, it's funny, but when we were studying communicable
 diseases


Monica: No-no-no, no! It's sensual!
 Dr. Roger: Ohh! Didn't know! Okay!
 Monica: Okay! (They kiss again and his beeper goes off.) Ohhh no!
 Dr. Roger: I'm sorry sweetie, it's the hospital. The food looks great,
 maybe save me some?
 Monica: I can't promise anything. (She starts to dig in.)
 [Scene: Ross and Carol's, Ross and Carol are waiting anxiously for their new partner to
 arrive.]
 Ross: We're really gonna do this, huh?
 Carol: Looks like it.
 Ross: Y'know, if, if this is too weird for you, we can still back out
 at  (A knock on the door interrupts him.)
 Carol: (jumping up to get it) I got it!
 Ross: Okay.
 Carol: (opening the door) Susan! Hi! (Who'd you think it was gonna be?)
 Susan: Hey! (They hug.)
 Carol: Thank you so much for coming.
 Susan: Oh, I wouldn't miss it for the world.
 (They start moving towards the bedroom, never taking their eyes off each other. They
 move past Ross and stop.)
 Ross: I'm-I'm Ross by the way.
 Susan: (not taking her eyes off Carol) Hello Ross. (Takes off her coat and hands
 it to him.) I love what you've done with this space.
 Carol: Thank you so much.
 (They disappear into the bedroom leaving Ross standing in the living room holding
 Susan's coat.)
 Ross: How hot is this?!
 [Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica are eating Monica's dinner.]
 Chandler: I'm sorry you're here with me instead of Roger.
 Monica: Yeah, me too.
 Chandler: Well, I could make it seem like he's here. (Imitates him.)
 'Here's some little known facts about cous-cous. They didn't add the second
 cous until 1979.' (Mumbles something further.)
 Monica: Stop it!! That's not funny!!
 Chandler: Okay.
 Monica: I'm sorry, okay? It just tonight was supposed to be
 y'know, it was supposed to be a big deal.
 Chandler: What was tonight?
 Monica: You don't want to know what tonight was.
 Chandler: Okay. (Pause.) What was tonight?
 Monica: Well, tonight was was going to be my first time.
 Chandler: With Roger? (Monica shyly looks away.) Not just with Roger?! (Monica
 shrugs.) Oh my God!
 Monica: All right relax Mr. I've Had Sex Four Times!
 Chandler: Four different women! I've had sex way more times!
 Monica: How many?
 Chandler: Nine.
 Monica: I was just waiting for the perfect guy.
 Chandler: Well good, good for you. You really think that Roger is the perfect
 guy?
 Monica: No. He's not a horrible guy.
 Chandler: Hey that's what I tell girls about me.
 Monica: Chandler, I'm gonna die a virgin!
 Chandler: No you are not! You are sweet and wonderful and this is gonna happen
 for you.
 Monica: Oh really? When? Do you wanna do it with me?
 Chandler: Okay. (They both realize what he just said.)
 Monica: I was kidding.
 Chandler: So was I.
 [Scene: Joey's apartment, Rachel is now three sheets to the wind and Joey is watching
 her.]
 Rachel: Joey, you're such an amazing actor! (He smiles.) How do you know
 where Dr. Drake Remoray leaves off and Joey Tribbiani begins?
 Joey: Well, with Dr. Drake they always tell me what to say. And with Joey, I
 pretty much have to make it up on my own.
 Rachel: Wow! Tell me something Joey (She falls off the couch) Whoa! I
 just fell right off the couch there.
 Joey: Yeah you did.
 Rachel: Okay. (She climbs back onto the couch.)
 Joey: Here you go. Let me ask you a question.
 Rachel: Yeah?
 Joey: When was the last time someone told you just how beautiful you are?
 Rachel: Wow! I can't, I can't feel my hands.
 Joey: Come, come here.
 (He takes her hands in his and kisses each one, then kisses her on the lips. When the
 break the kiss, Rachel starts to get nauseous and throw up. Joey backs away in horror.)
 [Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, continued from earlier. Monica and Chandler are still
 discussing the previous question.]
 Chandler: We can't do this.
 Monica: No! (They both laugh.) Oyster?
 Chandler: Yeah! (Takes it.) If-if-if we did do this there would be a lot of
 pressure on me, y'know? Because you've been waiting a very long time and I
 wouldn't want to disappoint you.
 Monica: Yeah but see I have nothing to compare it too. So even if you're
 horrible, how would I know?
 Chandler: I do like that.
 Monica: It's harder for me! I have those four other women to compete with!
 Chandler: Well, if it helps there were only three. So it would just be for
 tonight, right?
 Monica: Absolutely! It would just be one friend (Points at Chandler) helping out
 another friend. (Points at herself.)
 Chandler: Stop it! We're doing this! Let's do it!
 Monica: Noo!! Okay!!
 Chandler: Okay! (They both get up.)
 Monica: Umm, do you have any uhh, moves?
 Chandler: I have some moves.
 Monica: I have no moves. (He moves in to kiss her and she laughs and backs
 away.) Okay, whatcha doin' there?! (Giggles.) Oh y'know what? I'm sorry,
 this is just too weird.


Chandler: Yeah, let's just forget it.
 Monica: What if I turn out the lights? (Runs to shut them off.)
 Chandler: Okay!
 (She turns out the lights and in the darkened room Chandler starts to moan.)
 Chandler: Oh yeah.
 Monica: Chandler?
 Chandler: (sexily) Yeah?
 Monica: That's the couch.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica's bedroom, she has just lost her flower to Chandler.]
 Chandler: Oh my God!
 Monica: I know! I'll tell you something, we are gonna do that again!
 Chandler: Oh, okay! (He rolls over to do that again.)
 [Scene: Joey's apartment, the next morning, Rachel is passed out on the couch.]
 Joey: (entering) Morning!
 Rachel: (wakes up suddenly and realizes where she is) Oh right.
 Joey: Yeah.
 Rachel: (groans) Oh God. Oh I can't believe Joey Tribbiani heard me throw
 up!
 Joey: Well he actually saw you a little bit too.
 Rachel: Noo! Oh God we did we didn't, we didn't uhh
 Joey: No! No! No, not after seeing that.
 Rachel: God I'm just a horrible person.
 Joey: Wh-why?
 Rachel: Because I'm married. That's right, I am a married woman! And I
 came to a TV star's apartment to have an affair! Uck!
 Joey: That's ridiculous! I'm not a 'Star,' just a regular
 famous actor.
 Rachel: Yeah and I'm a horrible, horrible person.
 Joey: Rachel, would you stop saying that?! Hey-hey look, remember on the show
 when-when Caprice was dying and she gave me
 Rachel: The ring from the cave, yeah.
 Joey: Wow! Uh okay, well uh  (He gets up, opens a drawer, and pulls out the
 ring.)
 Rachel: (seeing the ring and gasping) Oh my God, they let you keep that stuff?!
 Joey: Sure! As long as they don't find out you can keep whatever you want!
 And I want you to have it.
 Rachel: No! No-no-no
 Joey: Yes! Yes!! And every time you look at it, I want you to remember that you
 are a good person. Okay, you've had the chance to cheat, and with me, but you
 didn't. And that's what this ring stands for.
 Rachel: But I thought that ring stood for Caprice's undying love for her
 brother.
 Joey: Look, do you want the ring or not?!
 Rachel: Yeah!
 [Scene: Phoebe's hospital room, Joey and Ross enter as Phoebe comes out of the
 bathroom wearing her robe.]
 Ross: Hey!
 Joey: Hey!
 Ross: Look at you! You're up!
 Joey: All right!
 Phoebe: I thought I'd try to take a walk. Would you pour me some water?
 I'll be back soon.
 Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa! You're not gonna use the pay phone to call work, are
 ya?
 Phoebe: No. I've learned my lesson.
 (She goes out into the hall and when she's there and the door is closed; she rips
 off her robe to reveal her work clothes.)
 Phoebe: Let's go! Come on! Move it! (Grabs her coat.) Come on! (To an old
 man who's holding her shoes and briefcase.) Shoes! Briefcase! (Takes them both.)
 Thanks Lou, good luck with the gall bladder. (She leaves.)
 [Cut back to her room, Joey and Ross are sitting there waiting for her.]
 Ross: Hey Joe did  Did you ever have a threesome?
 Joey: (not quite sure of how to answer that) Well uh, look Ross I uh, I think
 Carol's great and I'm sure you're a very attractive man, but I .
 Ross: No! The reason I'm asking is that  I sorta had one last night.
 Joey: You?
 Ross: Yeah!
 Joey: Wow!
 Ross: Yeah!
 Joey: All right! So, was it amazing?
 Ross: It was, it was okay.
 Joey: Just okay Did you do it right?!
 Ross: Look, it's just did, did you ever go to a party and think,
 'Would really anyone miss me if I weren't here?'
 Joey: Huh. But still Ross, you're worst day with two women, pretty much
 better than any other day! Y'know what I mean?
 Ross: Oh-oh, absolutely!
 (They both laugh.)
 Ross: It's just, my part seemed to be over pretty quickly and then, and
 then there was a lot of waiting around.
 Joey: But you got to be with both of them, right?
 Ross: Not-not really. Th-th-there was just Carol.
 Joey: Not the other one?
 Ross: No, she kept kicking me away!
 Joey: Yeah, you don't want that.
 Ross: No!
 Joey: Well hey, at least you got to see a lot of stuff, right?
 Ross: Oh I a lot of stuff!
 Joey: You got a little bored?
 Ross: A little. Yeah. I made a snack.
 Joey: Yeah? What did ya have?
 Ross: Just a sandwich. Turkey, a little mustard
 Joey: Sounds good.
 Ross: It really was!
 [Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is making a sandwich as Chandler enters.]
 Chandler: Hey!
 Monica: Hey!
 Chandler: Let me tell you about this chick I scored with last night! Oh no wait
 a minute that was you!
 Monica: Hey, check me out, I'm a slut!


Chandler: So you uh, want to do something tonight?
 Monica: Oh I can't. Dr. Roger is coming over again.
 Chandler: Oh. Oh right! Right! Because you're still seeing him and uh,
 he's a good guy. I mean, I remember a time when  (He fakes falling asleep.)
 Monica: Are you okay?
 Chandler: Yeah! Totally! Totally, and you?
 Monica: Great! It's so amazing! I mean, last time Dr. Roger came over, I
 was so nervous, but then after being with you I'm all like, 'Can the
 doctor see me now?'
 Chandler: I bet he can.
 Monica: Y'know, I don't have an appointment, but I sure could use a
 physical. (He laughs halfheartedly) Are you sure you're okay?
 Chandler: Oh yeah! Yeah! Don't worry about me, I'll be fine! (Does a
 kara-tay move.)
 [Scene: Rachel and Barry's bedroom, Rachel is returning from her disastrous
 attempt at an affair to find that Barry was much, much more successful with his.]
 Rachel: Ohh! My God! Barry!!
 Barry: You-you-you said you were gonna be away all weekend!
 Rachel: Oh that's right! I'm sorry! I-I am early! Finish! Please!!
 [Scene: Phoebe's office, she is arriving without the knowledge that she's
 been fired.]
 Phoebe: Surprise! Look who's back!
 Arthur: Hey Pheebs!
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Arthur: (To another coworker) Call security. (To Phoebe) Pheebs, didn't
 you get fired?
 Phoebe: Uh, I don't think so!
 Jack: Phoebe?
 Phoebe: Jack!! Hey!
 Jack: What are you doing here?
 Phoebe: All better! Back to work! Except this clown from research told me I was
 fired. He should do his research, huh?
 Jack: Well, you were fired.
 Phoebe: Nu-uh!
 Jack: I told that guy who answered your phone.
 Phoebe: Oh, okay I didn't get that message. So this doesn't
 count Anyway, I'll be in my office.
 Jack: Uh, Phoebe you-you don't have an office.
 Phoebe: That's all right, I'll work here. This is goo, next to this
 plant. (She picks a place in the lobby next to a plant.)
 Jack: (approaches her) Phoebe, listen
 Phoebe: You're in my office! Look, I have made a lot of cash for this
 company! Okay? I am talking big bucks! Pesos! Yen! Rubles! You make one little
 mistake
 Jack: You lost 13 million dollars.
 Phoebe: Oh, so this is all about money! Y'know it's bad enough
 that Ow! Oh, you have got to be kidding!
 Jack: Are you all right?
 Phoebe: I'm having another heart attack!
 Jack: What?!
 Phoebe: I'm having another heart attack!! Call 9-1-1!!
 Jack: Take it easy. (Sits her down.)
 Phoebe: (to Arthur, he's the guy calling 9-1-1) Dumbass!
 Woman: Hey Pheebs! How's it going?!
 Phoebe: Well, they fired me and I'm having heart attack.
 Woman: Wow! Well, welcome back!
 Phoebe: Yeah.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Rachel storms in.]
 Rachel: Hi Ross!
 Ross: Hey Rachel.
 Rachel: Is Joey Tribbiani here?
 Ross: Umm, no.
 Rachel: Well, if you see him, will you please tell him that I'm looking for
 him and that this I am not gonna throw up!
 Ross: That-that's always good news. Are you okay?
 Rachel: Me? I'm great! I'm fine! I'm sooo good!! But, you know
 who's not great?! Men! You're a man right Ross?!
 Ross: Yeah.
 Rachel: Sit down!
 Ross: Okay. (He does so.)
 Rachel: Let me uh, let me ask you something, do wedding vows mean squat
 to you people?! And why is it that the second we tell you we're going out of
 town, bamn there you are in bed with the neighbor's dog walker?!
 Ross: We're sorry.
 Rachel: No seriously! Seriously! What has happened to the sanctity of
 marriage?
 Ross: Didn't you spend last night at Joey's?
 Rachel: Aw what are you?! A detective?
 Ross: Look I-I don't know what's going on with you and your husband
 and what is hopefully an adult dog walker, look can I just say not all men are like that.
 Rachel: Oh. (Doesn't believe it.)
 Ross: Hey! There are some men who will do whatever it takes to make their
 marriage work! Okay? There are some men who will stand by and-and watch as their wives
 engage in-in what only can be described as a twosome with some-some woman she
 barely knows from the gym!
 Rachel: Who are these men?
 Ross: Men. I guy I know.
 Rachel: Well, you might want to tell him it sounds like his wife is (whispers)
 gay.
 Ross: She is not  (Realizes) She's gay. Oh my God. She is so
 gay! I can't believe this.
 Rachel: Good day for married people huh?
 Ross: I'm sorry your husband cheated on you.
 Rachel: I'm sorry your wife is gay. I guess women aren't that great
 either.
 Ross: Try telling my wife that.
 [Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is blowing out a candle as Chandler enters.]
 Chandler: (sticking his head in the door) Okay to come in?
 Monica: Yeah, come on, eat, whatever you want. Dr. Roger got beeped again.


 The One With The Unagi
 The One With The Unagi
 Teleplay by: Adam Chase
 Story by: Zachary Rosenblatt
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Joey is working.]
 Ross: Hey, remember when I had a monkey?
 Chandler: Yeah.
 Ross: Yeah, what, what was I thinking?
 Joey: (he's just picked up their bill) Hey! So, what's with the 20
 percent tip? Did I do something wrong?
 Chandler: Twenty percent is a pretty generous tip Joe.
 Joey: Y'know what's more generous than that?! Fifty percent!
 Y'know what's even more generous than that?!!
 Chandler: I see where you're goin'!
 Ross: What's up with the greed Joe?
 Joey: All right, look I'm sorry you guys, but it's just that I gotta
 get these new head shots made. And they're really expensive, y'know? I'm
 down to like three! Well, actually two  cause one of  em I kinda blackened in
 some teeth Why did I do that?! (Hits himself in the head.)
 Ross: Well isn't there something you can do to earn a little extra money? I
 mean, can't-can't you pick up, I don't know, an extra shift here?
 Phoebe: Or, y'know, I used to beg for money. Of course it helps if
 you've got y'know a little of this (she sticks her chest out and shakes it)
 goin' on. Wow! I still have it!
 Ross: Oh, wait! Wait! Don't you have an audition today? Yeah! Maybe
 you'll get that job!
 Joey: Oh, ha-ha-ha! Ooh! Wait a minute, I used to get medical experiments down
 on me all the time!
 Chandler: (reminiscing) Ah, finally an explanation.
 Joey: No-no! I used to get paid for all kinds of medical stuff, remember?
 Let's see uh, well I don't want to donate sperm again. (To Ross) I really prefer
 doing that at the home office y'know? (Ross nods his head.) Ooh-ooh, maybe they want
 like some of my blood or-or spit or something, huh?
 Gunther: (approaching with a tray with an order on it) Joey!
 Joey: Yeah?
 Gunther: What did I tell you about talking to your friends while you're
 working?
 Joey: Uhh do it?
 Gunther: That guy (points) has been waiting for his coffee for ten minutes!
 He's complained about you three times! (He hands the coffee cup to Joey, assuming
 that Joey will deliver it and walks away.)
 Joey: Well, where was I? (Takes a sip of the coffee.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Phoebe and Rachel enter wearing workout
 clothes.]
 Ross: Hi!
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Ross: Hey, what have you guys been up to?
 Phoebe: Ohh! We went to a self-defense class today!
 Ross: Wow!
 Rachel: Yeah, kicking a guy in the crotch all morning really takes it out of ya!
 Joey: Takes it out of you? (Laughs.)
 Phoebe: Now, we can kick anybody's ass!
 Rachel: Yeah!
 Ross: After one class? I don't think so.
 Rachel: What? You wanna see me self-defend myself?! Go over there (points) and
 pretend you're a sexual predator! Go on! I dare ya!!
 Ross: Well, of course you can defend yourself from an attack you know is coming,
 that's not enough. Look, I studying kara-tay for a long time, and there's a
 concept you should really be familiar with. It's what the Japanese call (he holds two
 fingers up to his temple, and he does this every time he says this word) unagi.
 Rachel: Isn't that a kind of sushi?
 Ross: No, it's a concept!
 Phoebe: Yeah it is! It is! It's freshwater eel!
 Ross: All right, maybe it means that too
 Rachel: Ohh! I would kill for a salmon skin roll right now!
 Ross: Y'know what? Fine! Get attacked! I don't even care!
 Phoebe: (deadpan) Come on Ross. We're sorry. Please tell us what it is.
 Ross: Unagi is a state of total awareness. Okay? Only by achieving true unagi
 can you be prepared for any danger that may befall you!
 Phoebe: You mean in case someone is trying to steal your bamboo sleeping mat or
 your kettle of fish?
 (Rachel laughs and Ross mocks her.)
 Ross: (moves closer) All I'm saying is, it's one thing being prepared
 for an attack against like each other; whole another story being prepared for an attack, I
 don't know, like a (turns and puts his face close to Rachel's and screams) surprise!!
 (Rachel calmly wipes the spittle off her face.)
 Ross: All right, you know that one was coming, but that doesn't mean you
 have unagi. (Does the finger thing.)
 Rachel: (To Phoebe) Ooh! Y'know what? If we made reservations, we could
 have unagi in about a half-hour.
 Ross: Y'know what  (Moves away as Chandler enters, panicked.)
 Chandler: Hey-hey, is Monica here?
 Phoebe: No.
 Ross: No.
 Chandler: Okay, look I need your help, I don't know what to get her for
 Valentine's Day.
 Rachel: Well, Valentine's Day was like two weeks ago, so I wouldn't
 get her a calendar!


Chandler: (laughs) She was working on Valentine's Day so we're
 celebrating it tonight.
 Joey: Ohh, hey! Why don't you book a date for both of you at one of those
 romantic spas?
 Phoebe: Ooh, Joey, that's actually a really good idea!
 Joey: And of course, crotchless panties.
 Chandler: Well appealing as that does sound to her boyfriend (pause) and her
 brother, (the camera pans to Ross flashing Joey a very evil look; Joey gets scared) I
 can't do that we promised we'd make each other gifts this year.
 Rachel: Aw, I love that.
 Phoebe: You guys!
 Joey: You can't make crotchless panties? You take, you take a pair of
 scissors and you just cut
 Rachel: (interrupting him) Okay-okay-okay! So, making things. That sounds like
 so much fun.
 Chandler: Yeah, I thought so to until I paper mached one of my eyes shut.
 Phoebe: Oh, I love paper mache! What did you make?
 Chandler: I made a  (Does one of those gibberish words.)
 Phoebe: What is that?
 Chandler: Nothing!
 Ross: So what are you gonna do?
 Chandler: Well, have you guys made anything that maybe I can take credit for?
 Phoebe: Ohh! I have! I have! I started making these little sock bunnies! (She
 takes out a sock that's been made into a bunny with eyes, nose, mouth, whiskers, and
 two other socks sown onto it for ears.) Oh for crying out loud!
 Rachel: Hey, wait a minute! That is my sock!
 Phoebe: Now, it's you little bunny friend. (She sticks it in Rachel's
 face and they both laugh.)
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is desperately trying to make his
 Valentine's Day gift. He takes a paper cup, turns it upside down, sticks two pencils
 into the top, and hangs a coat hanger from the bottom.]
 Chandler: (admiring his work) This, this actually is a  (Does the same
 gibberish word from before.)
 Monica: (entering) Hey!
 Chandler: Hey! Honey, can I ask you a question about the Valentine's Day
 gifts?
 Monica: Oh, yeah.
 Chandler: Do we have to make the entire thing?
 Monica: Yes! Why, did you you forget to make yours?
 Chandler: Of course, of course not. I just have to uh, go over to the place
 where I-I made it and pick-pick it up.
 Monica: Okay. (They kiss.) Okay, I can't wait! This is going to be the best
 Valentine's Day ever! (Chandler giggles and exits.) I can't believe it! Make the
 presents! Make the presents!
 Chandler: (sticking his head back in) What?
 Monica: I'm just so excited to make the presents! (Chandler does another
 sarcastic/scared laugh and leaves.) Shoot!
 [Scene: A Medical Research Office, Joey is there to sign up for an experiment, any
 experiment.]
 Joey: (to the receptionist) Hi uh, I'm Joey Tribbiani and with all do
 respect I'd like to donate some fluids.
 Receptionist: We're actually at the end of one of our research cycles, so
 we're not looking for applicants right now.
 Joey: Oh that's too bad. I've kinda been saving up. (She just looks at
 him in horror.) Uh, are you sure there's no studies I can participate in?
 Receptionist: Well, here's a schedule of what's coming up. (Hands it
 to him.)
 Joey: Thanks. (Starts to read it.) Well but this one starts now. (Points to
 one.)
 Receptionist: Oh that one is available now, but only identical twins are
 eligible. It's a twins study.
 Joey: But it's $2,000.
 Receptionist: Sorry.
 Joey: Well how about this one? Testing the effects of Joey Tribbiani on
 attractive nurse receptionists.
 Receptionist: We already got the results back on that on, and they're not
 good. (Joey beats a hasty retreat.)
 [Scene: The Hallway between the Apartments, Ross is hiding behind that bump out on
 Monica's side waiting for Phoebe and Rachel. As they come up the stairs, he jumps out
 and yells ]
 Ross: DANGER!!! DANGER!!!!!
 (They both scream and jump away.)
 Phoebe: Ross!!!
 Rachel: What the hell was that?!
 Ross: A lesson in the importance of unagi. (He starts doing the finger thing
 every time now.)
 Phoebe: Ohh, you're a freak!!
 Ross: Perhaps. Now I'm curious, at what point during those girlish screams
 would you have begun to kick my ass?
 Rachel: All right, so we weren't prepared!
 Ross: I'm sorry I had to take such drastic measures to make my point, but
 I look, I just want you guys to be safe. (Monica comes out to throw out the garbage
 and Ross screams ) DANGER!!!!! (She completely ignores him and keeps walking.)
 Ahhh, huh? Unagi.
 [Scene: Cole-Geddes Casting Agency, Joey is there on his audition and thinking about
 that 2,000 bucks for the twins study.]
 Joey: (in his head) 2,000 bucks is a lot of money. Oh, I wish I had a twin.
 Where could I find someone who looks exactly like me? (The camera widens its shot to
 reveal a room full of Joey look-a-likes. Joey looks at the guy next to him and then back
 at his script.)
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is coming in from doing his laundry. He starts folding
 it as Chandler enters.]


Chandler: Hey.
 Ross: (not turning around) Chandler. I sensed it was you.
 Chandler: What?!
 Ross: Unagi. I'm always aware.
 Chandler: Okay, are you aware unagi (does the finger thing) is an eel?
 Ross: What's up?
 Chandler: I can't figure out what to make Monica.
 Ross: Oh, why don't you make her one of your little jokes.
 Chandler: I'm going crazy! Okay? Do you have any thing around here that
 looks homemade?
 Ross: Y'know what? She'd-she'd love this. (Picks up a model of
 the Saturn V rocket, that's the one that took man to the moon.) Uh, it's an
 exact replica of Apollo 8. I made it in the sixth grade.
 Chandler: Yeah, I guess I could use that. I could say that your love sends me to
 the moon.
 Ross: Yeah-yeah, except Apollo 8 didn't actually land on the moon. But
 you-you-you could write that umm, your love lets me orbit the moon twice and return
 safely. (Apollo 8 was the first one that orbited the moon and the one that read the
 Christmas Story from the orbit of the moon on Christmas Eve, 1968. They also took the
 famous Earthrise picture of the Earth rising over the moon.)
 Chandler: Wait a minute, I can't give this to her.
 Ross: Why not?
 Chandler: Because it says 'Captain Ross' on the side and 'I hate
 Monica' on the bottom.
 Ross: Oh.
 (Chandler leaves dejectedly. When the door closes Rachel and Phoebe jump out from
 behind the curtains and scream )
 Phoebe and Rachel: DANGER!!!!!
 (Ross screams like a little girl.)
 Rachel: Ahhhhh, salmon skin roll. (She does the finger thing.)
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, he's still trying to figure out what
 to make Monica.]
 Chandler: Okay. Okay. (He goes to the closet, moves the clothes out of the way,
 and notices an empty hanger. He takes the empty hanger and bends it all out of shape. Then
 he holds it out as if he's giving it to her.) Yes honey, I made it myself. (He throws
 it down and goes to her chest, grabs something, goes to the bed table, and takes out a
 pair of scissors. He turns around and holds the scissors to the crotch of the panties he
 just removed.) I can't do it. I can't do it. (He throws them both down and
 continues looking. He opens another closet door and finds a tape.) Oh! Oh! A mixed tape! A
 mixed tape!! (He runs out into the living room.)
 [Cut to the living room, Chandler is entering as Monica finishes wrapping her present
 for him on the kitchen table.]
 Chandler: Hey! Hi! You uh, ready to exchange gifts?
 Monica: Sure! Okay, you go first.
 Chandler: Okay, come here! Come here.
 Monica: Okay! (She takes her present for him and they move over to sit on the
 couch.)
 Chandler: Now, it's not wrapped because I just, just finished it.
 Monica: Okay.
 Chandler: But I made you a tape of what I think are all romantic songs.
 Monica: Oh, what a great gift! Is The Way You Look Tonight on it?!
 Chandler: (momentarily terrified) Maybe we'll have to listen and see!
 Monica: Oh, I love it! Thank you so much!
 Chandler: Okay!
 Monica: Okay, you ready to open yours?
 Chandler: Yeah!
 Monica: Okay.
 (He opens his present to find Phoebe's sock bunny from earlier.)
 Chandler: It's a sock bunny.
 Monica: Yeah-yeah, you remember how I call you bunny?
 Chandler: Not really.
 Monica: Well, I did one time, and-and I want to start doing it more. See
 that's what this is about.
 Chandler: I see. Y'know umm, Phoebe makes sock bunnies.
 Monica: No! No, she doesn't. Uh Phoebe, what she makes that's
 uh they're sock rabbits. They are completely different Okay! Okay! Okay! I
 didn't make it! I'm sorry! I totally forgot about tonight and the fact that
 we're supposed to make the presents!
 Chandler: Oh, it's okay. I don't
 Monica: No-no, it's not okay! It's not! I mean you were just
 You're so incredible! You went through all this time and effort to make this tape for
 me! Y'know I'm just gonna I, I am gonna make this up to you! I will! I-I am
 going to cook anything you want in here (points to the kitchen), and I am going to do
 anything you want in there! (Points to the bedroom.)
 Chandler: (thinking it over) Well, I did put a lot of thought in the tape. (They
 both run into the bedroom.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, they are relaxing in sexual bliss.]
 Chandler: Wow! (To the sock bunny still on his hand.) You are way to
 young to have seen that!
 Monica: Oops! (Covers its eyes.) Y'know, your birthday is in a
 month-and-a-half, what do you say I forget to get you a present for that too?
 Chandler: You are totally and completely 100% forgiven.
 Monica: We have got to wash that! (Referring to the sock bunny.)


Chandler: Yeah! (Takes it off his hand and throws it behind the night-stand.)
 Monica: Do you remember that jacket that you love so much, that you thought was
 too expensive?
 Chandler: You have done enough!
 Monica: I wanna wake up early and go get it for you!
 Chandler: No you don't get it in black, not brown.
 (The oven dings.)
 Monica: Oop, your cake is ready!
 Chandler: Oop!
 (They both get out of bed and go get some cake.)
 Chandler: Well, it's like that old saying, have some sex, eat some cake.
 (As they approach the kitchen, the door opens and in walks in a Joey look-a-like.)
 Joey's Look-A-Like: Hey Mon! Hey Chann! (He goes to the fridge) Just
 gettin' a soda! (Does so.)
 Monica: Who the hell are you?!
 Joey's Look-A-Like: I'm Joey! How are you doin'?!
 Joey: (entering) No! No! No! No! No! How you doin'?! How you
 doin' Damnit Carl! Go wait in the hall! (Goes into the hall.)
 Joey: Look, I got to apologize on the behalf of Carl.
 Chandler: Who the hell is Carl?!
 Joey: Oh, did I not mention? Carl is a guy I hired to be my identical twin for a
 medical research project.
 Chandler: Y'know sometimes the good ideas are just right in front of you,
 aren't they?
 Joey: Okay, I know it sounds crazy, but I think it might work. Y'know? The
 only problem is, Carl's acting is  (Does the international hand symbol for
 so-so.)
 Monica: The only problem!
 Joey: Yeah, he's the reason I didn't get that big Minute Maid
 commercial a couple of years ago remember? We were supposed to be brothers, but he messed
 it up.
 Carl: (sticking his head back in) Hey, uh can I get a little piece of that cake?
 Joey: (to Carl) Pizza!! We like Pizza!! Get out!!! (Carl does so.)
 [Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel are returning.]
 Phoebe: Pat Sajak?
 Rachel: Yep!
 Phoebe: Alex Trebek?
 Rachel: Oh, of course!
 Phoebe: Chuck Woolery?
 Rachel: Definitely! Phoebe, you will not find a single game show host,
 who's ass I cannot kick.
 (They start to walk into the living room and notice someone's head sticking up
 from behind a chair. The camera cuts to the other side and we see it's Ross.)
 [Time lapse. The girls have Ross pinned face down. Phoebe is sitting on his back and
 arms while holding his head down and facing Rachel. Rachel is sitting on his knees and
 holding his lower legs vertically, causing Ross pain.]
 Rachel: Say it!
 Phoebe: Say we are unagi!
 Ross: It's not something you are! It's something you have!
 Rachel: Say it!
 Ross: Y'know what? I can easily get out of this, but there is a chance you
 can get very, very hurt!
 (Rachel yanks on his legs again and he groans in pain.)
 [Scene: The Medical Research office, Joey is there with Carl in the waiting room. Two
 identical twins come out and both wave by at the same time.]
 Joey: All right Carl, we're next. Now remember, what is not gonna be?
 Carl: Another Minute Maid fiasco.
 Joey: That's right! And what are you not gonna do?
 Carl: Well, I'm not gonna talk because
 Joey: (gets very angry) Damnit Carl! (Carl goes to say something more, and Joey
 silences him with a grunt.)
 The Doctor: (entering) (To the receptionist) Can I have the next one please?
 (Takes the form.) Joey and Tony Tribbiani. (Joey and Carl stand up.)
 Joey: That's us.
 The Doctor: (seeing they're not identical) But uh, this is a study for
 identical twins.
 Joey: That's right, $2,000.
 The Doctor: But, you're not identical twins.
 Joey: Damnit Carl!
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is getting ready for Chandler's arrival. He
 enters and finds the place lit with candles and dinner on the table.]
 Chandler: Oh my good God.
 Monica: Hey! Continuing the countdown of your favorite meals. Tonight, No. 3,
 macaroni and cheese with cut up hot dogs.
 Chandler: Look, you have done enough! Okay? You have to stop this now.
 Monica: I will! But not tonight. For dinner music, I thought we could listen to
 that tape you made me.
 Chandler: Oh, the mixed tape.
 (Monica pushes play and The Way You Look Tonight starts to play.)
 Monica: The Way You Look Tonight is on here! Dance with me?
 (He hesitates, then goes over to dance with her.)
 Monica: You are just the sweetest. (They kiss.)
 (Suddenly, a strange and familiar voice comes out of the tape player. Here's a
 hint, OH MY GAWD!! That's right, it's Janice!)
 Janice: I love the way you look every night Chandler! (Monica breaks the
 kiss and Chandler freezes in terror.) That's why I made you this tape! Happy
 Birthday! Love Janice!
 Chandler: No! You're the sweetest! (He tries to kiss her but Monica backs
 away with a look that could kill on her face.)
 [Scene: A women's self-defense class, the instructor is just finishing a class.]
 The Instructor: Okay ladies, that ends today's class, and let's
 remember, let's be safe out there.
 (The women all clap and start to leave as Ross comes up to the instructor. Apparently
 he was hiding in the back.)


 The One Where Ross Dates A Student
 The One Where Ross Dates A Student
 Written by: Seth Kurland
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler, Rachel, and Joey are there as Ross enters.]
 Ross: Hey! I just got uh, my teacher evaluations! Check out what this one
 student wrote, 'I loved Dr. Geller's class. Mind blowing lectures! Dr. Geller,
 you are definitely the hottie of the paleontology department!'
 Chandler: Ahh, Hotties of the Paleontology Department, there's a big
 selling calendar, eh?
 Rachel: Who wrote it?
 Ross: Oh, I wish I knew, but the evaluations are all anonymous.
 Joey: Oh hey, do you still have their final exams?
 Ross: Yeah.
 Joey: Oh,  cause you can just match the evaluation to the exam with the
 same handwriting and boom, there's your admirer. (Ross is stunned.)
 Chandler: A hot girl's at stake and all of the sudden he's Rain Man.
 Rachel: Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, why are we so sure that this is a
 girl?
 Ross: It's a girl! Anyway, it wou it wouldn't matter. Okay?
 Because I'm a teacher and she's a student.
 Chandler: Oh, is that against the rules?
 Ross: No, but it is frowned upon.
 Chandler: I see.
 Ross: Besides, there's a big age difference.
 Joey: Oh, well think of it like this, when you're 90
 Ross: I know when I'm 90 she'll be like 80 and it won't seem like
 such a big difference.
 Joey: No that's not what I was going to say at all. No, what I was going to
 say is when you're 90 you'll still have the memory of what it was like to be
 with a 20-year-old.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are eating breakfast as
 Joey enters.]
 Joey: Hey Chandler! Y'know that girl you went to college with who-who
 became a movie director?
 Chandler: Oh yeah, Dana Keystone. She was in my Movement class.
 Phoebe: What's a Movement class?
 Monica: It's Chandler's way of pretending he didn't take mime.
 Joey: Oh well listen, anyway she's directing the new Al Pacino movie. You
 gotta get me an audition!
 Chandler: Oh, I don't know man. I haven't talked to her in like ten
 years.
 Joey: No-no-no, please-please Chandler I-I-I would owe you so much!
 Chandler: You do owe me so much. You owe me three thousand, four
 hundred
 Joey: Hey-hey dude, why are you changing the subject? Why? Will you make the
 call or what?
 Chandler: Oh okay, I'll-I'll try.
 Joey: All right! Thanks! You're the best! Now listen, the last day of
 auditions is Thursday. Okay? So I gotta get in there by Thursday. Okay? Just remember
 Thursday. Thursday. Can you remember Thursday?
 Chandler: Yeah so, Tuesday?
 Joey: (angrily) Thursday! Look if you need help remembering think of like this,
 the third day. All right? Monday, one day. Tuesday, two day. Wednesday, when? Huh? What
 day? Thursday! The third day! Okay?!
 Chandler: (sarcastically) Thank you.
 Joey: Okay.
 Rachel: (entering from the bathroom) Hey Mon? I'm gonna check my messages.
 Chandler: You just thought of that in there?
 Monica: Yeah sure, nature called, she wanted to see who else did.
 (Rachel dials her number.)
 Rachel: (on phone) Hello? (Shocked that someone answered.) Uh, Rachel. (To the
 gang.) Great, someone is in our apartment. Call the cops!
 Monica: You're on the phone!
 Rachel: (on phone) Oh my God! Oh my God! Thank you! (Hangs up) That was the fire
 department, there was a fire at our place!
 Phoebe: Oh my God! How bad was it?
 Rachel: Well, he didn't say, but it was a fire. I'm guessing not very
 good. Come on, we gotta go!
 Monica: Come on! (The girls all run out and Joey holds up Chandler by smiling.)
 Chandler: What are you smiling about? What is so funny?
 Joey: The part I want to audition for is a fireman, this is so meant to be!
 [Scene: N.Y.U. Paleontology department, Ross is putting up the grades on the message
 board.]
 Burt: (another professor) Wow! It looks like you were very generous with your
 grades this semester! (Ross frantically starts to change some as a female student,
 Elizabeth, approaches.)
 Elizabeth: Professor Geller?
 Ross: (startled) Yeah?
 Elizabeth: I wanted to say how much I enjoyed your class.
 Ross: Oh thank you. Thanks very much. (Leans up against the board and on a
 thumbtack.) Ow! (He pulls away.)
 Elizabeth: Uh, I'm a little embarrassed about calling you a hottie on my
 evaluation
 Ross: That was you?
 Elizabeth: Yeah. I felt a little weird about it. You're a teacher. I'm a
 student. But would you maybe want to go out with me sometime?
 Ross: Oh I, I don't-I don't think that would be the best idea.
 Elizabeth: Oh, because I was thinking, the semester's over; you're not my
 teacher anymore.
 Ross: What time?
 Elizabeth: (checks her grade) Oh, y'know what? Forget it, you already gave me
 an A.


Ross: Gotcha. (Starts to leave.)
 Elizabeth: I'm kidding!
 Ross: Oh! So-so seriously, what time?
 [Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, everyone minus Ross are arriving to inspect the damage.
 The fire department is still there.]
 Phoebe: Coming through! (Has to dodge a fireman) Oh! Coming through! (Sees a
 cute one.) Oh! Hello! Hi! (Smiles then realizes) No! Right! Coming through!
 (They start to look around seeing that the living room is undamaged.)
 Monica: Oh well, it's not so bad.
 Fireman #1: Yeah, most of the damage is pretty mostly contained in the bedrooms.
 Phoebe: Oh!
 Rachel: My God! (They both run into the bedrooms.)
 Joey: (to the fireman) Hey buddy, do you think I can borrow your uniform this
 Thursday?
 Fireman #1: Excuse me?
 Monica: Joey! He's working! (To Chandler) You would look good in
 that.
 (Phoebe and Rachel return)
 Joey: Oh, how bad is it?
 Phoebe: Oh, it's bad. It's really bad. The only thing in there that
 isn't burned is an ass. Which I do not remember buying!
 Chandler: How's your room Rach?
 Rachel: Everything's ruined. My bed. My clothes. Look at my favorite blue
 sweater. (Hold it up.)
 Monica: Isn't that mine?
 Rachel: Fine! I'm sorry for your loss! (Hands it back to her.)
 Fireman #1: So uh, you're not gonna be able to live here for a while, you
 ladies have a place to stay?
 Rachel: (stands up) Wow! Oh-okay, look pal, I am not in the mood to be
 hit on right now! But if you give me your number I will call you some other time.
 Monica: (pulling Rachel back down) Yes, they can stay with us.
 Chandler: Have you figured out what started the fire Mr. Fireman?
 Fireman #1: Well uh, do either of you smoke?
 Phoebe: No, not usually. But yeah, I could use one right now.
 Fireman #1: No-no-no, do you uh light candles? Burn incense?
 Phoebe: Yes! I do! All the time! I love them! Oh my God! I did it! It's me!
 It's me! I burned down the house! I burned down the house!
 Rachel: Okay Phoebe calm down, there's no need to place blame. Okay? (To
 the fireman) I warned her about those candles.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is on the phone as Joey enters.]
 Chandler: God, it's great to catch up! I can't believe how long
 it's been!
 Joey: Chandler, is that  (Mimes someone using a movie camera and Chandler
 nods yes.)
 Chandler: (on phone) Oh that's great! Good for you.
 Joey: Hey-hey listen  (Chandler waves him away.)
 Chandler: Okay! So yeah, maybe we can get together umm  (Joey mimes
 throwing something in the air, catching it, rolling it out, putting it in an oven and
 cutting it.) Can you hold for one second please? (To Joey) What?!
 Joey: When you're off the phone, do you wanna get a pizza?
 Chandler: (on phone) Hi! I'm back. (Goes to hang up the phone.) Yeah, that
 sounds great. (Listens) Okay. Well, we'll do it then. (Listens) Okay, bye-bye. (He
 hangs up the phone and turns around to see Joey standing close to him and screams.)
 Joey: Hey listen, so when's-when's my audition? I mean I know
 it's Thursday, but what time?
 (Monica enters.)
 Chandler: Hi.
 Monica: Hey!
 Chandler: (To Joey) We didn't get to the audition. I'm gonna take her
 to coffee and then we'll do it then.
 Joey: Ah-ha!
 Monica: Wow! So, now you're going on a date with this girl?
 Chandler: Honey, it is not a date! I haven't talked to her in ten years!
 You can't just call up somebody you haven't talked to in ten years and ask them
 for a favor. There are rules, y'know? You gotta, you got to put in some time.
 Monica: You're right, I'm sorry. It's not like you're
 y'know, going out with an ex-girlfriend.
 Chandler: No, we only went out once.
 Monica: You dated her!
 Chandler: Not once!
 Monica: All right, well why don't I go out with an ex-boyfriend and do Joey
 a favor?!
 Joey: Hey, you wanna do Joey a favor, maybe you go out with Joey. (He turns
 around to see Chandler glaring at him.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is having coffee with Dana.]
 Chandler: (laughs) Oh that's great, my friend Joey's in the movie
 business.
 Dana: Y'know who I ran into from school? Howie.
 Chandler: (giggles) My friend's name is Joey.
 Dana: Apparently Howie's editing now. Yeah, he-he-he calls me up and asks
 me if he can edit my new movie. Can you believe that?! Y'know I-I-I haven't
 spoken to him in like ten years and he asks me for a favor!
 Chandler: Yeah, I've always hated that Howie.
 Dana: No, no 'How you doing?' Man, I mean not even a cup of coffee
 first!
 Chandler: The nerve huh?
 Dana: Yeah!
 Chandler: Refill?
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is about to debut Hotel Monica (formerly known as
 Rachel's Room) to Phoebe and Rachel.]


Monica: Now, this is last minute so I want to apologize for the mess. Okay?
 (They walk into a completely redecorated and repainted room. And of course, the room is
 immaculate. Only an obsessive-compulsive like Monica could find fault with the room.)
 Rachel: Oh my God! It sure didn't look this way when I lived here.
 Monica: I know! Now look, there's only one problem though. There's
 only room for one, so I guess one of you will have to stay at Joey's.
 Phoebe: Well, since the fire was kinda my fault I guess (To Rachel) you should
 get to stay here.
 Rachel: Hey! Hey-hey, now this was no one's fault Pheebs. Okay? It was an
 accident.
 Phoebe: Well no, it was my fault so you should get the nice room.
 Rachel: Okay! (She jumps on the bed.)
 Monica: So Rach! You're the first guest at Hotel Monica! Umm, you'll
 just have to tell me how you like your eggs in the morning. And I thought I would bring
 them to you, y'know, in bed. Oh, you have been through so much.
 Rachel: I have.
 [Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey is showing Phoebe around.]
 Joey: This right here is where I keep the pizza. (He points to the chair.) And
 uh that's where the napkin is. (Points to the floor next to the chair.)
 Phoebe: What's that smell?
 Joey: I know! (Shrugs his shoulders.)
 [Scene: A street, Ross is walking with Elizabeth on their date.]
 Elizabeth: Oh please! It was such a big class! You never even noticed me!
 Ross: What? Of course I did! You uh, you sat next to Sleepy Sleeperson.
 Elizabeth: Who?
 Ross: Oh uh, I had trouble remembering everyone's name, so I-I kinda came
 up with nicknames. Like the guy on the other side of you was Smelly von Brownshirt.
 Elizabeth: Oh yeah. So umm, did you have a nickname for me?
 Ross: Umm, no. No.
 Elizabeth: Yes you did! What was it?
 Ross: Umm, it's Cutie McPretty.
 Elizabeth: Ohh that's so sweet!
 Ross: Listen, I gotta tell ya, I-I'm having a great time! Y'know how
 before you said it might be weird, the whole student teacher thing, and to be frank I
 thought it would be too, but it's not. I mean it's not at all.
 Burt: (exiting from a restaurant) Dr. Geller!
 Ross: (pushing Elizabeth into a doorway) Burt!
 [Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel are cleaning up the mess.]
 Phoebe: So did you sleep well last night?
 Rachel: I did.
 Phoebe: Yeah?
 Rachel: I did, Monica was so sweet she left a little mint on my pillow.
 Phoebe: Y'know what Joey left on my pillow?
 Rachel: What?
 Phoebe: Gum!
 Fireman #2: Well, we determined the cause of the fire.
 Phoebe: Yeah I know, it was my candle. My candle!
 Fireman #2: No, there was an appliance left on in the bathroom. It's looks
 like a curling iron.
 Phoebe: I don't use a curling iron.
 Fireman #2: Well someone does.
 (Phoebe looks at Rachel.)
 Rachel: Well, don't look at me! My hair's straight! Straight!
 Straight! Straight!
 Fireman #2: It could've been a hair straightener.
 Rachel: Oh.
 [Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey is now showing Rachel around.]
 Joey: This is where I keep the pizza. (It's the same location as before.)
 And Hey! Where did the napkin go?! (The napkin is not in it's spot.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe is reading and Monica runs over and turns on the
 lamp behind Phoebe.]
 Monica: Now there you go! I wouldn't want my best guest to strain her eyes!
 Phoebe: Thanks Monica!
 Monica: Does that smell bother you?
 Phoebe: What the smell from Joey's? No, I can hardly smell it over here.
 Monica: Well you let me know if you can, because y'know I can bake a pie to
 cover it.
 Phoebe: I can smell it a little, bake the pie.
 Monica: Okay!
 Phoebe: Okay.
 (The phone rings and Monica answers it.)
 Monica: Hello? (Listens) Oh yes, one minute please. (To Phoebe) It's for
 you. It's the fire inspector.
 Phoebe: Oh! (Takes the phone.) Hello? (Listens) Yeah this is Phoebe. (Listens)
 Really?!
 [Cut to Joey's, he's on the phone.]
 Joey: (in a funny voice) Yeah, so it turns out that it wasn't the hair
 straightener that started the fire. (Rachel prompts him on what to say next.) No-no, it
 was the candles. It's very not good leaving candles unattended. In fact, one of the
 first things they teach you in fire school is  (Phoebe suddenly enters.) Uhh
 Uhh  Okay. Well, I have to go now. (Phoebe leaves.)
 [Scene: Joey's apartment, Ross is telling Monica and Joey about his date with
 Elizabeth.]
 Ross: We had such a great time! She's-she's incredible! I thought
 the-the age difference might be a problem, but it wasn't. It wasn't at all.
 Elizabeth is very mature for her age. (Joey makes the international sign for big boobies.)
 (To Monica) A concept lost on some people!


Monica: So it's okay to date a student.
 Ross: Well, not really. I mean technically it's-it's not against the
 rules or anything, but it is frowned upon. Especially by that professor we ran into last
 night, Judgey von Holierthanthou.
 Monica: Well Ross, you be careful now. You don't want to get a reputation
 as y'know Professor McNailshisstudents.
 Ross: Yeah. What-what should I do?
 Joey: Well Ross, it seems pretty clear. I mean what's more important? What
 people think or how you feel, huh? Ross, you gotta follow your heart.
 Monica: Joey that is so sweet.
 (He turns his back to Monica and does the international sign for big boobies again.)
 Chandler: (entering) Hey.
 Joey: Hey-hey-hey! So, how did it go with Dana? Any reason I should leave a
 block of time open say Thursday?
 Chandler: I couldn't do it.
 Joey: You couldn't do it?!
 Chandler: Hey, relax I just need more time. We're going to dinner tonight.
 Monica: What?! You're going out with her again!
 Ross: Going out with who?
 Chandler: Uh, Dana Keystone from college.
 Ross: Oh yeah! Wasn't she uh  (Does the international sign for big
 boobies.)
 Chandler: No, that was Dana Caplin.
 The Guys: Ohhhh! (They all look up in a moment of reflection.)
 Monica: Joey! You didn't even know her!
 Joey: Ah whatever!
 [Scene: A Restaurant, Chandler is having dinner with Dana.]
 Chandler: Great story again! The yarns that you weave! Woo-hoo-hoo!
 Dana: Y'know uh, actually I-I-I should get going.
 Chandler: Oh no-no-no! Stay! Stay! Because you-you should you-you-you should
 stay!
 Dana: Wow. Oh, I am really flattered, but I just I don't feel that way
 about you.
 Chandler: Oh no-no-no, that's not No-no-no!
 Dana: I'm sorry Chandler, y'know you are such a sweet guy and I, I
 don't want to hurt you. Oh, I wish there was something I can do to make you feel
 better.
 Chandler: No-no Really?!
 Dana: Of course!
 Chandler: (breaking up) Well, it just hurts so bad. I uh
 Dana: Ohh, I'm sorry.
 Chandler: Well maybe there is one thing you can do.
 Dana: What?! Anything! Anything!
 Chandler: Well, I umm, I mean this is just off the top of my head now, umm but I
 have this friend. This actor friend and he would kill me if he thought I was doing this
 umm, but umm would it be possible for him to get an audition for your movie say on
 Thursday?
 Dana: Absolutely! But you-you would really feel better about me rejecting you if
 your actor friend can audition for my movie?
 Chandler: Well, the heart wants what it wants. I'll see you later. (He runs
 off and leaves her with the bill, which the waiter promptly delivers.)
 [Scene: Hotel Monica, Phoebe is on the bed playing her guitar as Monica enters.]
 Monica: Hey! How's it goin'?
 Phoebe: Well, not much has changed in the last five minutes.
 Monica: Yes it has! I made cookies!
 Phoebe: Oh that's all right. I'm still full from your homemade potato
 chips.
 Monica: But you should eat them now because they're hot from the oven.
 Phoebe: Okay. (Reaches for one.)
 Monica: (pulling the plate back) Oh-ho! But not in here! Can't eat  em
 in bed, remember? No crumbies!
 Phoebe: (gritting her teeth) Okay, I'll be out in a second.
 Monica: Okay!
 (Monica leaves and Phoebe closes the door behind her and tries to lock it.)
 Monica: (opening the door) What are you doing?
 Phoebe: That doesn't lock does it?
 [Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey and Rachel are eating spaghetti in the living room while
 watching TV and Rachel drops some on the floor.]
 Rachel: Oh, Joey! Sorry!
 Joey: No that's all right. Don't worry about it.
 Rachel: Oh but look! That's gonna leave a stain!
 Joey: Rach! Hey! It's fine! You're at Joey's!
 Rachel: Really?
 Joey: Yeah! Look! (He throws some of his spaghetti on the floor.)
 Rachel: I've never lived like this before.
 Joey: I know.
 (Rachel throws some of hers down.)
 Joey: All right, don't waste it, I mean its still food. (He picks it up and
 eats it.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Elizabeth are deciding what to do on their second date.]
 Ross: What do you want to do now? Huh? You wanna go get a drink?
 Elizabeth: Uhh, I can't.
 Ross: Oh, you have some studying to do?
 Elizabeth: No, I have some turning 21 to do.
 Ross: Y'know I remember when uh, when I was in college, we used to
 (He sees some of his colleagues enter and puts his head on her lap.)
 Elizabeth: What are you doing?
 Ross: Nothing, I'm-I'm just, I'm so comfortable with you!
 Elizabeth: Do you not want to be seen with me?
 Ross: What? No! Of course, of course I do! Are-are they gone?
 Elizabeth: Uh no, they're still here but I think I'm about to leave.
 Ross: What?! No! No! Wait! You're right, this is stupid. Who cares what
 people think? I mean, I mean we like each other right? There's nothing wrong with
 that. Come on. (They get up and go over to the table where his colleagues are sitting.)
 Burt? Lydia? Mel? This is Elizabeth.
 Elizabeth: Hi!
 Lydia: Aren't you in my Popular Culture class?


 The One With Joey's Fridge
 The One With Joey's Fridge
 Teleplay by: Gigi McCreery & Perry Rein
 Story by: Seth Kurland
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Joey and now Rachel's apartment, Joey has the fridge pulled out away from the
 wall and is in the process of pulling off the cooling grate behind it.]
 Joey: Well that thing is clearing in the way! All right. Ah-ha! (He grabs a
 screwdriver and starts to attack the compressor, only he causes a small short circuit and
 shocks himself.) Ah-ah!! Damn fridge!
 (Rachel enters from her new room.)
 Rachel: Hi Joey, how ya doin'?
 Joey: Great! Roomie!
 Rachel: Huh, yeah I guess we are roommates now.
 Joey: Yeah! Well, now that you brought it up, our fridge is broken. We have to
 get a new one. Now, I checked around and your half is $400. Thanks a lot.
 Rachel: I'm not paying for half of that! I'm only staying here until
 my apartment gets fixed.
 Joey: Look Rach, my parents bought this fridge just after I was born, okay? Now,
 I have never had a problem with it. Then you show up and it breaks! What does that
 tell ya'?
 Rachel: That refrigerators don't live as long as people.
 Joey: All right, now you know that the ATM will only lets you take out 300 at a
 time, I'll take a check for the other hundred.
 Rachel: You're jokin' right?
 Joey: Of course I'm jokin'! I don't take checks.
 Rachel: Thank God you're pretty. (Exits.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there as Rachel enters.]
 Rachel: Hey!
 All: Hi! Hey!
 Rachel: Do you guys know any cute guys?
 Chandler: Well, of course I do! My good friend Joey over here. (Pats Joey's
 arm, Joey pats Chandler's shoulder, and Chandler motions for Joey to say the same
 about him.)
 Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. Thank you Chandler.
 Rachel: Anyway, there's this big charity ball this weekend and Ralph Lauren
 bought a table, so I kinda have to go
 Monica: What's the charity?
 Rachel: I don't know, something either trees or disease Ralph mumbles
 a lot.
 Monica: Does Ralph mumble when you're not paying attention?
 Rachel: Yeah! It's weird. But the thing is need to find a date.
 Phoebe: Well, what kind of guy are you looking for?
 Rachel: Well, someone that has his own tux, or has the ability to rent a
 tux.
 Chandler: So he has to be a male who has at least $50.
 Joey: Ooh! So close.
 (Ross and Elizabeth enter.)
 Ross: Hey everybody!
 All: Hi!
 Ross: Hey uh, this is Elizabeth.
 Elizabeth: Oh hi!
 All: Hi!
 Elizabeth: I'm the student.
 Chandler: (laughs) Isn't she cute? (On Monica's death stare) No!
 Phoebe: Y'know, this is probably none of my business, but weren't you
 guys supposed to not be seen in public together?
 Elizabeth: Oh, we're not together.
 Ross: Oh no-no-no, we're just two people who happen to run into each other
 here at the coffee house. (He winks at her.)
 Phoebe: Oh, sly.
 Elizabeth: Well, I really wanted to meet you guys, but I have to run. I'll
 see you later?
 All: Okay!
 Elizabeth: Bye Ross.
 Ross: Bye.
 (They kiss.)
 Elizabeth: Oops! I did not mean to run into you like that sir.
 Ross: Oh that is quite all right ma'am. (Elizabeth exits.)
 Chandler: So, why is she leaving? Is it a school night and she has a lot of
 homework to do?
 Ross: Yes, her molecular epidemiology paper is due tomorrow.
 Chandler: Oh, tell her good luck with that.
 Ross: Anyone else? Huh? Bring  em on!
 Rachel: Oo! When's her birthday?!
 Ross: I don't know Rachel, why?
 Rachel: Well, y'know it's just been so long since I've been to Chuckie
 Cheese.
 Monica: Oh, I like Elizabeth.
 Ross: Well thanks!
 Monica: Yeah. In fact, I like her so much you tell her I want my cookies early
 this year! Y'know, a box of Thin Mints and some Tag-a-Longs.
 Joey: Hey-hey come on you guys, give him a break. Ross, seriously, how's it
 going with her?
 Ross: Well, actually it's been great. She's 20 so she's not
 looking for anything too serious, which is perfect for me right now.
 Monica: Well that is great. And seriously, she seems very nice.
 Ross: Thanks. I know you guys like to give me a hard time and all, but it really
 means a lot to me that you like her. Just knowing that you guys are
 Phoebe: (interrupting) Okay, I got a good one. Okay, umm, what is she? Like 12?
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is sitting at the table and Monica is
 doing something in the kitchen.]
 Monica: Chandler, do you think we talk about our relationship enough?
 Chandler: Yeah. Do we have any Fruit Roll-Ups?
 Phoebe: (entering) Hey!


Monica: Hey!
 Phoebe: Okay, I just thought of the perfect guy for Rachel to take to her thing.
 Chandler: Oh that's so funny because we found someone too.
 Phoebe: Oh that's good, I guess she'll have a choice between my guy
 and your weirdo.
 Chandler: Why would our guy be a weirdo?
 Phoebe:  Cause that's just your taste.
 Monica: (laughs sarcastically) Rachel is not going to pick your stupid guy.
 Phoebe: Oh yeah?
 Monica: Yeah!
 Phoebe: My guy is a lawyer who has volunteer work. And, he has one of these (She
 squeezes the skin on her chin together to form )
 Chandler: A face ass?
 Phoebe: A chin dimple!
 Monica: Well, uh y'know, our guy works with Chandler and he's really
 nice and smart and he's a great dresser!
 Phoebe: Have you seen your guy's body?
 Chandler: No, our guy is just a floating head.
 Phoebe: Well my guy is spectacular. Okay? He's a massage client and one
 time umm, when he was on the table, I looked at it. And I mean all of it.
 Monica: You're not supposed to look!
 Phoebe: Oh yeah, like there are police for that!
 Chandler: (horrified) Wait! You look? You-you massaged me.
 Phoebe: I know. (Laughs.)
 Monica: All right fine, your guy may have a great body, but our guy is really
 funny.
 Phoebe: Oh, Chandler funny?
 Monica: Our guy's a great dancer!
 Phoebe: My guy is well read.
 Chandler: Our guy has great hair.
 Phoebe: My guy has great teeth!
 Chandler: Our guy smells incredible.
 Monica: (To Chandler) Do you want our guy to be your guy?
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Chandler is entering to find Joey bingeing on the
 food from the fridge. Joey isn't doing all that well.]
 Chandler: Hey.
 Joey: Huh.
 Chandler: Well, you don't look good Joe.
 Joey: The fridge broke. I have to eat everything. Cold cuts, ice cream,
 limes Hey, what was in that brown jar?
 Chandler: That's still in there?!
 Joey: Not anymore. So anyway, how do you want to pay me?
 Chandler: Is this a service you're providing me?
 Joey: No! No! No! For my new fridge our new fridge!
 Chandler: Our new fridge? I don't live here anymore.
 Joey: So what? Look, suppose we were a divorced couple.
 Chandler: Uh-huh.
 Joey: And I got custody of the kid, right? Now suppose the kid dies and-and I
 gotta buy a new kid.
 Chandler: (not quite sure where Joey's going and is a little worried)
 Okay
 Joey: (pause) Give me $400!
 [Scene: Ross's office, he's unlocking his office door as Elizabeth walks up.]
 Elizabeth: Professor Geller?
 Ross: Hmm? (Turns around and sees that its Elizabeth) Oh, a student I don't
 know.
 Elizabeth: I was wondering if I could talk to you for a moment?
 Ross: Yes, yes of course, what-what would this be regarding?
 Elizabeth: Making out in your office.
 Ross: Shh! (Laughs then composes himself) Of course, why don't we go
 inside?
 (They go inside and Ross closes the door. When he turns around Elizabeth walks up to
 him, pushes him back against the door, and starts kissing him.)
 Ross: Oh-ooh!
 Elizabeth: What?
 Ross: Doorknob! Doorknob!
 Elizabeth: Oh! Sorry! Umm, I actually do need to talk to you.
 Ross: Oh, okay. What-what about?
 Elizabeth: Spring vacation.
 Ross: Spring vacation.
 Elizabeth: Yeah, we have time off and a lot of people are going on trips
 (Another professor barges in.)
 Professor Feesen: Professor Geller!
 Ross: (quickly jumping away from Elizabeth) Yes, professor
 Feesen-sen-stenlger  I'll be with you in one moment. (To Elizabeth) So, I will
 take one box of the Thin Mints. (And he ushers Elizabeth out of the office.)
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Ross, Chandler, and Joey are entering.]
 Ross: You don't understand! Elizabeth was about to ask me to go on a trip
 with her! Is that taking it slow?! No, I'm not ready for this! Okay? What-what do I
 tell her?
 Chandler: Just tell her the truth! Tell her you're not ready.
 Ross: I can do that. Oh-oh, what if she gets upset?
 Chandler: Then you distract her with a Barbie doll.
 Joey: Or! You can just, y'know  (He walks up close to whisper in
 Ross's ear and when he gets there he pushes Ross into the fridge.)
 Ross: What the hell are you doing?
 Joey: What? What the hell am I doing? You just broke my fridge!
 Ross: What?! What? How do you, how do you even know its broken?!
 Joey: Oh-ho-ho, you think I don't know what breaks my fridge? Excuse me!
 (He opens the door and feels inside.) Well what do you know! Broken! That'll be $400!
 Chandler: Joey, I saw you push him!
 Joey: (pause) You pushed him!
 Ross: Joey, I did not break this! Okay? (He opens the freezer and smells inside
 and recoils in disgust.) That has been broken for a while.
 Joey: All right. Chandler, do you remember how I told you about our fridge?


Chandler: Uh-huh.
 Joey: I still haven't gotten a check for your half yet.
 Ross: Do not give him any money!
 Joey: I'm not talking to you! You broke my fridge!
 [Scene: Ross's office, he's opening the door to Elizabeth.]
 Elizabeth: You wanted to see me Professor Geller?
 Ross: Yes. Yes! Please, come in.
 (She does so, he closes the door, and she pushes him against the doorknob again.)
 Ross: Oo-oo!
 Elizabeth: Doorknob?
 Ross: Yeah, it kinda grows on you. (They both laugh.) Actually, I wanted to
 finish talking to you about uh, spring vacation.
 Elizabeth: Oh good.
 Ross: Look, I  (He has trouble sitting in his chair.) Look, I'm having
 a great time with you and I just don't want us to move to fast or put to much
 pressure on us. So, I'm sorry I just don't think we should go away together yet.
 It's-it's too soon.
 Elizabeth: Ross, I think you misunderstood what I was saying. I just wanted to
 tell you that I'm going to Florida for a couple weeks.
 Ross: No. I think you misunderstood what I was saying. What I meant
 was
 Elizabeth: You are so adorable.
 Ross: That! Let's talk about that.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there as Ross enters.]
 Ross: Hey!
 Chandler: Hey!
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Monica: Hey! How did it go with Elizabeth?
 Ross: Huh? Oh-oh, it was fine. Uh, it was just a misunderstanding. She
 didn't want me to go with her. She just wanted to let me know that she's going
 to Florida for spring vacation.
 Chandler: Wait a minute, is she going for spring vacation or is she going for
 spring break? (Does a little whooping/party noise.)
 Ross: What's-what's the difference?
 Monica: Well, spring vacation is doing nice things with your grandparents.
 Spring break you're doing frat guys.
 Ross: Hey, y'know what? Not all spring breaks are like that.
 Phoebe: What did you do on yours?
 Ross: I went to Egypt with my dad.
 Chandler: I can see it now, 'Look dad, it's the Sphinx!' (Does
 that party noise again.)
 Ross: Hey, I think Elizabeth is a little more serious than, 'Spring
 break!' (Imitates the party noise.) All right? I mean she's taken my class!
 Monica: And slept with the professor.
 Ross: I'm gonna call her.
 Chandler: Yeah.
 (Ross leaves to do so and Rachel enters with a guy.)
 Rachel: Hey! You guys umm, I want you to meet Sebastian.
 Sebastian: Hi.
 Rachel: We just uh, we just met at the newsstand. We both grabbed for the last Field
 & Stream. (Chandler's shocked.) What? I read that.
 Sebastian: Can I get you a cup of coffee?
 Rachel: Oh yes! Thank you! (He does so and Rachel sits down on the couch.)
 Phoebe: Rachel, what the hell is this?!
 Rachel: (shocked) What?
 Phoebe: You ask us to find you a guy and you come traipsing in here with your
 own!
 Rachel: You found me a guy?
 Monica: Yes! We found you a really cute and funny guy from Chandler's work!
 Phoebe: Yeah and I-I found you one too who is not a weirdo.
 Rachel: Well, y'know what though you guys? I really appreciate that but I
 think I'm just gonna take Sebastian to the charity.
 Chandler: Are you sure?! Because our guy smells incredible!
 Monica: Uh, would you stop it with that already?!
 (Sebastian returns with the coffee.)
 Sebastian: Here you go. (Hands her, her cup.)
 Rachel: Oh, thank you.
 Sebastian: Sure.
 Phoebe: So, Sebastian, do you do any volunteer work?
 Sebastian: Uh, no not really. Why?
 Phoebe: No reason, it's just I know a single guy that cares about other
 people.
 Chandler: Are you funny?
 Sebastian: Excuse me?
 Rachel: What are you guys doing?
 Monica: Are you funny? Tell us a joke!
 Sebastian: Look, I just wanted to have coffee with Rachel.
 Phoebe: Well, so do a lot of people.
 Sebastian: Actually, I uh, I gotta get going. (To Rachel) Give me a call
 sometime.
 Rachel: Oh, but y'know, no, you didn't give me your phone number.
 Sebastian: Okay! See you later! (Exits.)
 Chandler: (To Monica) Turns out he is kinda funny.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]
 Rachel: I cannot believe you guys! He was really nice and he left because of
 you!
 Chandler: Yeah, but Sebastian? What is that? A cat's name?
 Phoebe: Yeah, y'know what I noticed Rachel? He scares easy. Is that the
 kind of guy you'd like to take to a ball? 'Hey Sebastian, would you like to
 dance?' (Imitates him.) 'Uhh, okay I gotta go!'
 Monica: All right guys stop it. Rachel, we're very sorry that is a very
 insensitive thing for us to do. And y'know what? Let us make it up to you, we have
 two really great guys for you.
 Phoebe: Yeah! What have you got to lose? Y'know you might even end up with
 someone really special (whispers) if you pick my guy.