Phoebe: Oh okay. All right, then I need to calm down a little.
 Rachel: Okay. Okay. (They sit down.) I think we can do this if we just get
 organized. All right? We have two days to plan this party. We just need to make fast
 decisions! Okay? All right, where are we gonna have it?
 Phoebe: Uh, here. What time?
 Rachel: 4 o'clock. Food?
 Phoebe: Finger sandwiches and tea.
 Rachel: Ooh great! Very Monica.
 Phoebe: And chili!
 Rachel: Ah you went one too far. Uh, flowers or balloons?
 Phoebe: Both!
 Rachel: We're paying for this y'know.
 Phoebe: Neither.
 Rachel: Okay. Umm, what should we do for the theme?
 Phoebe: Lusts of the flesh.
 Rachel: (pause) What?
 Phoebe: I don't know. (Timidly) A cowboy theme?
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is on the couch writing when Chandler enters to
 make his brief cameo.]
 Chandler: Hey!
 Monica: Hey!
 Chandler: Y'know I'm-I'm really glad we decided not to sleep
 together before the wedding.
 Monica: Oh boy, me too!
 Chandler: Y'know I was thinking if we had a a big fight and uh we
 broke up for a few hours
 Monica: Yeah?
 Chandler: Technically we could have sex again. What do you think, bossy and
 domineering?!
 Monica: The wedding is off, sloppy and immature!
 Chandler: That's me! Come on!
 Monica: Okay. (They both jump up to head for their room, but Monica stops.) But
 wait, we can't. My Cousin Cassie is in the guest room, we're supposed to have
 lunch.
 Chandler: Well, get rid of her, obsessive and shrill.
 Monica: Shrill?! The wedding is back on!
 (Cassie enters from the guest room, with her hair up. The extremely beautiful and sexy
 Denise Richards is playing Cassie. Woo hoo! For those of you who don't know who she
 is, rent Wild Things and she was also the last Bond girl in The World Is
 Not Enough.)
 Cassie: I thought I heard voices. You must be Chandler.
 Chandler: (transfixed) Hi! Nice to meet you!
 Cassie: Nice to meet you too.
 Monica: So, are you ready to go?
 Cassie: Yeah.
 (She lets her hair down and whips her hair around in Baywatch-esque slow motion
 with a Barry White song in the background. Chandler needless to say can't help but
 stare along with the rest of the male and lesbian population of North America.)
 Monica: (catching him) Chandler!
 Chandler: I'll be right with you.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Chandler and Monica enters.]
 Monica: (To Ross) Cassie needs to stay at your place.
 Ross: What why?
 Monica: Because Purvy Perverson over here can't stop staring at her.
 Ross: What?! Chandler, she's our cousin!
 Chandler: I was not staring at her. Okay? I was just listening intently.
 It's called being a good conversationalist. Watch. (Stares at Monica's eyes.)
 Say something.
 Monica: You were staring about eight inches south of there.
 Ross: Fine, she can stay at my place. By the way, what-what does Cassie even
 look like now.
 Monica: She looks exactly like Aunt Marilyn.
 Chandler: Umm, so this Aunt Marilyn is-is-is-is she coming to the wedding?
 Monica: Wafer thin ice!
 [Scene: A Casting Director's Office, Joey is entering for his callback.]
 Joey: Hey, I'm back!
 The Casting Director: Hi-hi Joey.
 Joey: Uh so, will-will I be reading the same scene again?
 The Casting Director: Actually, I tried to call you. You didn't need to
 come down here today.
 Joey: Oh great! Y'know I would've been perfect for this part, but
 whatever! Y'know, thanks for making a bad decision and ruining your movie! Good day!
 (Starts to leave.)
 The Casting Director: Wait Joey! You didn't need to come down because the
 director saw your tape from yesterday and loved it.
 Joey: And scene! Huh? Wasn't that fun? We did a little improv there. Yeah!
 Okay! So you-you-you-you were saying?
 The Casting Director: Well, the director thinks you're really right for the
 part and wants to meet you tomorrow.
 Joey: Wow! Sure! That's great!
 The Casting Director: Oh, and your agent said you were okay with the nudity.
 Joey: Yeah! Yeah sure, just so long as it's handled tastefully and that barn
 is not too cold.
 The Casting Director: Terrific! Well uh, there's one more thing. Uhh, uh
 it's really important to the director that everything in this movie is authentic.
 Yeah, and so in your love scene with Sarah she talks about how she's never seen a
 naked man who wasn't Jewish. So  (Laughs.)
 Joey: So What?
 The Casting Director: So uh well, the director is insisting that whoever play
 that part be authentically, anatomically not Jewish. Do you know what I'm saying?
 Joey: Yes!
 The Casting Director: Okay.
 Joey: No. What?
 The Casting Director: An Italian Catholic immigrant at this time would not
 be
 Joey:  Barmitsvahed?
 (The casting director shakes her head.)
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey is telling Monica what the casting director was
 trying to get to.]


Monica: So to get this part you can't be?
 Joey: Nope.
 Monica: But you are?
 Joey: Yep.
 Monica: But you told them you weren't?
 Joey: That's right.
 Monica: Wow! Wow! And it's definitely all gone? There's nothing there
 to work with? (Joey glares at her.) What were you thinking?
 Joey: I don't know! I really want this part! And they tell you no matter
 what you get asked at an audition you say yes. Like if-if they want you to ride a horse,
 you tell  em you can! And just figure out how to do it later.
 Monica: Joey! This is not like learning to ride a horse! This is like learning
 to grow a turtleneck!
 Joey: I kn-I know! I know! Okay? And apparently tomorrow when I go in to meet
 the director I have to take off my clothes so that they can see what my body looks like.
 Monica: Oh my God, what are you gonna do?!
 Joey: I just have to call my agent and tell her I can't do the part. (Gets
 up for the phone.)
 Monica: Unless!
 Joey: Unless what?
 Monica: Well, this may sound crazy, but there maybe something we could fashion.
 Joey: Like what?
 Monica: Well I'm not sure yet, but umm, off the top of my head I'm
 thinking double sided tape and some sort of luncheon meat.
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering and Rachel is still planning.]
 Phoebe: Hey! I've got a great idea for party favors for the shower. Okay,
 we get some uh mahogany boxes and carve everyone's names in them and inside is
 everyone's individual birth stone.
 Rachel: Okay. Okay. All right, you take care of that. And meanwhile, the party
 is tomorrow and we still don't have a guest list.
 Phoebe: Okay. Okay! Well okay, who do we know that's coming? Me. Are you?
 Monica: (entering) Hey!
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Rachel: Hey! What's up Mon?
 Monica: Well uh, I'm trying to make something for Joey. Do you mind if I
 raid your fridge?
 Rachel: Have at it.
 Monica: Okay. (Opens the fridge.) All right, turkey. Eh, that won't work.
 Cheese? (Picks it up) That won't work. Olive loaf? (Picks it up) I hope that
 won't work.
 Rachel: Are you makin' him a sandwich?
 Monica: No it's umm, more like a wrap. Okay so uh, I'm gonna go guys.
 Phoebe and Rachel: Okay.
 Monica: I guess you can get back to deciding on what to get me for a present!
 (Runs out.)
 Rachel: (To Phoebe, after Monica's gone) We have to get her a present?!
 Phoebe: Okay but look! Look at what I got! It's her address book! (Holds it
 up.) We have a guest list!
 Rachel: Oh my God you're amazing! Did you just pull that out of her purse?
 Phoebe: Uh-huh, and a little seed money for the party. (Holds up $40.)
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, there is a knock on the door and Ross opens it to Cassie.]
 Ross: (shocked at her beauty) Cassie?!
 Cassie: Hey Ross!
 Ross: Hey!
 Cassie: (hugs him) It's been so long! Last time I saw you, you were setting
 up your tent in line to see Return of the Jedi.
 Ross: Oh. Oh, that's right. So-so you did see me that day, because it seemed
 like you didn't.
 Cassie: Ah yeah, sorry about that.
 Ross: It's okay. Come, come on in.
 Cassie: Thanks for letting me stay here! I mean Monica's place was nice,
 but her fiancee sure stares a lot.
 Ross: Oh.
 (She sets down her bag and we travel back to slow motion world. She once again whips
 her hair around in slow motion with the love doctor Barry White singing in the background.
 And I'd also like to take this opportunity to mention that she can also be seen in Starship
 Troopers and that she was born in Downers Grove, Illinois which just happens to be a
 few miles from where I live. Anyway, Cousin Ross is now staring.)
 Cassie: Oh my God! You do a great Chandler!
 Ross: Uh-huh. Yeah, I-I have a knack for impressions.
 Cassie: Well, maybe after we get reacquainted uh, you can do me.
 Ross: Yeah No!!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, Cassie is eating dinner and Ross is pacing behind her because
 of what she's eating.]
 Ross: Cassie, how you-how you doin' on that hot dog.
 Cassie: I'm all done.
 Ross: (quietly) Thank God.
 Cassie: I guess the last time we really hung out was when our parents rented
 that beach house together.
 Ross: Oh right. Right. Ooh, remember the time I uh, I pinned you down and
 tickled you  til you cried? (She laughs) We're probably too old to do that now.
 Cassie: I'll always remember that summer, because it's when I got all
 of these freckles. (She pulls her blouse open to show him her shoulder and bra strap.)
 Ross: (looking then moving away quickly) Uh-huh! Uh-huh! And-and-and I'll
 always remember that summer because that's when I realized that we are related.
 Cassie: It took you that long to figure it out, huh?


Ross: Well I'm, I'm a little slow. (To himself) Just as our children
 would be.
 [Scene: Phoebe's apartment, it's Monica's bridal shower and Phoebe is passing
 out some finger food.]
 Phoebe: Hi!
 Woman: Hi!
 Phoebe: How are you? (The woman nods) Good. (She goes over to another couple of
 women.) Hi, thanks for coming.
 Woman: Oh thank you.
 (The other woman declines.)
 Phoebe: Thank you. (To the other woman) No? (She nods.) All right. (She goes to
 another pairing.) Oh, it's so nice to see you.
 Woman: No.
 The Other Woman: No thanks.
 Phoebe: Okay. (Goes over to Rachel.) Hey Rach?
 Rachel: Yeah?
 Phoebe: Who the hell are all these people?
 Rachel: Well, I don't know. I called all the people in Monica's phone
 book and these are the only ones who could show up on 24 hours notice.
 Phoebe: Hmm, y'know there's another word for people like
 that: Losers!
 (A woman approaches.)
 Rachel: (to her) Hi! I'm Rachel. This is Phoebe. I'm the maid of
 honor. How do you know Monica?
 Woman: I was her accountant four years ago.
 Rachel: Ohhhh!
 Woman: I'm very interested to find out who's been doing her taxes
 these last four years.
 Rachel: That's great!
 Woman: So, what time is Monica supposed to get here?
 Phoebe and Rachel: (to each other) I don't know.
 Rachel: (to the woman) Excuse us for a minute. (They go into the kitchen.) You
 didn't tell her to come?!
 Phoebe: You were supposed to tell her!
 Rachel: No I wasn't! You were supposed to tell her to come, and I was
 supposed to bring the cake!
 Phoebe: Fine, I'll go call her.
 Rachel: Yes! And please tell her to bring a cake!
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is standing at the counter as Monica enters carrying a
 tray.]
 Monica: Okay, we have a lot of options here, a number of prototypes for you to
 try on.
 Joey: Wow! This looks great!
 Monica: Yeah! Okay, this one is a mushroom cap. (Points to it.) Umm, this one is
 made of bologna. (Points.)
 Joey: And-and-and-and-and the toothpicks?
 Monica: Oh, just until the glue dries.
 Joey: Thank God!
 Monica: (to a whole group) Now, these are-are more realistic, but perishable.
 Joey: Ah.
 Monica: Okay? (To a different group) Over here we have pink suede, which is
 nice. But umm, if it gets wet then you know it's gonna shrink.
 Joey: Well maybe we just take that one away. (Picks it up and throws it away.)
 Monica: I also, did a little something in fur. But umm, that's really just
 for me. (Rubs it against her cheek.) Okay. So, why don't you go into your room and
 try these on and we'll see get a better idea of what's gonna work.
 Joey: Thanks, you are such a good friend. And this is so weird.
 (He goes into his room to try them on and closes the door.)
 Joey: Ow!
 Monica: Toothpick?
 Joey: Yeah.
 Monica: What are you trying on now?
 Joey: The fruit roll up.
 Monica: And?
 Joey: Delicious.
 Monica: Joey!
 Joey: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! We have a winner!
 Monica: What?! Which one?!
 Joey: The Silly Putty! It's not so silly anymore!
 (They hug.)
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, Cassie and Ross are watching a movie and Cassie is pouring
 Ross some more wine, as Ross has his hands full with the glass and holding the bowl of
 popcorn in his lap.]
 Ross: (in his head) She's your cousin. She's your cousin! If
 she knew what was going on in your head she'd think you were sick! (She grabs
 some popcorn.) Or would she? Let's back up a second. She was the one who
 suggested opening a bottle of wine. She was the one who turned down the lights. She
 was the one that wanted to rent Logan's Run, the sexiest movie ever. (She
 grabs the blanket from behind him and looks at him.) Oh, I know that look. Forget it. I
 want it. She wants it. I'm going in.
 (They exchange looks, smile, and shrug their shoulders before Ross suddenly lunges
 forward in an attempt to kiss her, but she expertly backs away.)
 Cassie: Hey! What the hell are you doing?! (They sit back up.)
 Ross: (in his head) Say something clever! (Pause.) Okay, doesn't
 have to be clever, it just has to be words. Say some words. (Pause) Any words will
 do. (Pause) Oh my God! This is the longest that anyone has not talked ever! (Pause)
 There is nothing you can say to make this worse!! So just say something!! (Pause.) (To
 her) I-I, I uh haven't had sex in a very long time. (She leaves.) (In his
 head) Yeah, you really shouldn't have said anything.
 [Scene: outside Phoebe's apartment, Monica is knocking on the door.]
 Monica: Phoebe! Rachel! It's Monica! I wonder what you could possibly need
 me for on such short notice! (She bursts into the apartment to find only Phoebe and Rachel
 sitting on the couch.) Oh.


 The One With Rachel's Big Kiss
 The One With Rachel's Big Kiss
 Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan and Scott Silveri
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, and Rachel are sitting on the couch and Ross is
 sitting on the chair, and they're all talking.]
 Rachel: Hey! Out of all of us, who do you think is gonna get married next?
 Joey: Probably Monica and Chandler.
 (A woman walks up to Gunther in the background.)
 Woman: (to Gunther) Hi. Could I have a pack of Newport Lights,
 please?
 Gunther: Oh umm, uh we don't sell cigarettes, but they have them at the
 newsstand across the street. (Points.)
 Woman: That'd be great, thanks. (Gunther goes and gets them.)
 Rachel: (to the gang) Oh my God, Melissa Warburton. I don't think I have
 the energy for this.
 Melissa: (Gasps when she notices Rachel) Oh my God! Ray-ray Green?! (Screams)
 Rachel: (screaming) Melissa!
 Melissa: You have been M.I.A for the past seven sorority newsletters,
 what's up with you?!
 Rachel: Wh (Turns and looks at the gang who's staring) Why
 don't I tell you over here? (She walks Melissa away from the gang.)
 Melissa: So last I heard you were gonna get married. (Grabs Rachel's hand
 and notices that she doesn't have a ring on it.) (Sadly) Oh poor Ray-ray.
 Rachel: Oh no-no, no! It's good! It's all good! I-I actually work at Ralph
 Lauren!
 Melissa: Shut up!
 Rachel: I will not! I'm the divisional head of men's sportswear!
 Melissa: Oh shut up more! Now, are you friends with Ralph?
 Rachel: Oh please
 Melissa: (excitedly) Are you?!
 Rachel: No.
 Melissa: Listen, we-we have to have dinner. What-what are you doing tomorrow
 night?
 Rachel: Oh tomorrow, oh I don't know. Um
 Melissa: You do now. You're having dinner with me.
 Rachel: Shut up.
 Melissa: I-I've got to go. This has been so great Ray-ray! (Gunther returns
 with her cigarettes.) Oh, there you are. (Takes them from Gunther.) (To Rachel) Umm, so
 listen, just call me. Here's my card. (Hands the card over.)
 Rachel: Oh, wow thanks! (Reading the card) Oh you're in real estate!
 Melissa: Oh no, that's-that's an old card. Umm, I wanted to get out of
 that and-and do something where I can really help people and-and make a difference.
 Rachel: Wow! What do you do now?
 Melissa: (quietly) I'm a party planner. I'll see you tomorrow.
 (Exits.)
 Rachel: Okay! (Joins the rest of the gang.)
 Joey: Hey guys! Look who's back! It's Ray-ray!
 Rachel: Shut up, that was my friend Melissa from college.
 Ross: She seems really, really fun!
 Rachel: She's actually very sweet and we used to be very close.
 Monica: Wait a minute, she isn't  She's not the one who you
 Joey: (excitedly) Who you what? Who you what?!
 Rachel: (To Monica) Yes.
 Monica: Wow!
 Joey: (excitedly) Wow? Wow what?! Wow what?! Who you what?!!
 Rachel: It's not a big deal!
 Monica: (To Joey) They were lovers.
 Ross: What?!
 Joey: What?!
 Rachel: No we weren't! It was nothing! It was one night, senior year we
 went to a party, had a lot of sangria and y'know, ended up kissing for a
 bit.
 Ross: So that's two of my wives.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is working on the seating chart while Chandler
 looks on and Rachel reads.]
 Monica: (telling Chandler the seating arrangement) Okay, so this is where the
 band is. (Points.) And this is where the bar is. (Points) And all these pins have
 people's names on them. (She has pins to show the seating at each of the tables.) And
 Rach, here you are. (Points to Rachel's place.)
 Rachel: Oh wow. Why don't we just take me (Grabs her pin) and put me with a
 Manhattan in my hand, talking to the cute bartender. (Puts her pin at the bar and laughs.
 Monica just glares at her.) These pins aren't for playing are they?
 Monica: (To Chandler) Okay, the red ones are my guests and the blue ones are
 yours.
 Chandler: This is so sad. I mean, I only have like ten pins.
 Monica: Chandler, relax it's not a contest. (To Rachel) Certainly not a
 close one.
 Joey: (entering) Hello!
 Rachel: Hey!
 Joey: Hey Rach. (Stares at her.)
 Rachel: Stop picturing it!!
 Monica: Okay, I think that's it. The seating chart is done. This is our
 wedding. They all look like they're having fun don't they?
 Joey: Hey, so where are my parents gonna be?
 Monica: Oh! (Gets up) Let's see, well if this is the wedding hall then
 umm (Walks away) you're parents will be at home in Queens.
 Joey: What, they're not invited?! Oh no, that's terrible! They're
 gonna be crushed!
 Monica: Why would they think they're invited?
 Joey: (looking around) You got me. I don't
 Monica: Joey!
 Joey: Well, I'm sorry. I thought parents were coming! Y'know? Your
 parents are comin'! Chandler's parents are comin'! Ross's parents are
 comin'!


Monica: Ross's parents are my parents!
 Joey: Well-well see? Parents are comin'!
 Chandler: Y'know I think we should invite them.
 Monica: Oh please, you just want more blue pins.
 Chandler: Well this is just sad!
 Monica: All right, all right. Maybe I can fit them in if I just do some
 rearranging. But uh, Rachel may actually have to sit at the bar!
 Rachel: That is not a problem.
 Joey: (leaning down to her) Maybe you'll order a little sangria?
 Rachel: Oh, get out of here! (Jumps back and walks away.)
 [Scene: Ralph Lauren, Rachel is showing Chandler the selection of tuxedos.]
 Rachel: (motioning to a rack) So now, these are all the tuxedos that we make and
 if there's anything that you like, we can make you a deal. Anything at all. (Grabs a
 few) But these are the three that Monica pre-approved.
 Chandler: Well, thanks a lot for hookin' me up Rach. I want you to know
 that I want you to attend our wedding as my guest.
 Rachel: I'm Monica's maid of honor. Okay? Don't try to blue pin
 me!
 Chandler: (sees another rack) Well, what's the deal with these? These-these
 look nice.
 Rachel: Oh they are nice. We-we custom-make tuxedos for celebrities and then
 when they're done with them they just send  em back.
 Chandler: You mean like for award shows?
 Rachel: Some of them.
 Chandler: You mean these tuxes have been down the red carpet with people
 yelling, 'Who are you wearing?! You look fabulous!'
 Rachel: Honey, might I suggest watching a little more ESPN and a little
 less E!?
 Chandler: Okay, who wore those? (Points to the tuxedos.)
 Rachel: Umm, well let's see uh, this one is Tom Brokaw.
 Chandler: Not bad.
 Rachel: (reading a tag) This one is uh Paul O'Neil.
 Chandler: Who's that?
 Rachel: He plays for the Yankees. Seriously, ESPN! Just once and a while,
 have it on in the background. (Chandler nods and Rachel grabs another tux) Ooh, this one
 was Pierce Brosnan!
 Chandler: Pierce Brosnan?
 Rachel: Uh-huh.
 Chandler: Are you serious?
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Chandler: 007?! This is James Bond's tux?!
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Chandler: Oh, I have to get married in James Bond's tux!
 Rachel: It's a pretty cool tux.
 Chandler: Oh, it's not just that, I would be England's most powerful
 weapon. Jet setting heartbreaker on her majesty's secret service. A man who fears no
 one; with a license to kill. (Worried.) Would Monica let me wear this?
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Phoebe are moving chess pieces around on the board
 and hitting the timer at random.]
 Joey: We should really learn how to play the real way. (Moves another piece.)
 Phoebe: I like our way. Oh! (Grabs a piece and jumps a bunch of Joey's like
 in Checkers.) Chess!
 Joey: Nice move.
 Phoebe: Yeah.
 Rachel: (entering) Hey!
 Joey: Hey!
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Rachel: So Joey, I just hooked Ross and Chandler up with some tuxedos for the
 wedding: do you need one?
 Joey: No, I'm performing the ceremony. I'm not wearing a tux.
 Rachel: Well, what are you going to wear?
 Joey: Multi-colored robes! Ooh, and maybe a hat.
 Rachel: Huh. Does Monica know about this?
 Joey: I don't think so.
 Rachel: Can I please be there when you tell her? (Joey nods yes.)
 Phoebe: Hey oh, Rach wait! Do you want to go to a movie tonight?
 Rachel: Oh, y'know what? I can't. I have to have dinner with that
 Melissa girl.
 Joey: (excitedly) Can I come?! I won't even talk! You'll just hear the
 noise from my video camera.
 Phoebe: What is this? What's going on?
 Joey: Oh good! Can I tell her?! Can I tell her?!
 Rachel: Well, do you want to hear what actually happened or Joey's lewd
 version?
 Phoebe: Joey's!
 Joey: Okay
 Rachel: Hey, come on! I had this friend from college and I made the stupid
 mistake of telling Joey that one time she and I y'know kissed a little bit.
 Phoebe: (laughs) Yeah, I'm sure that happened.
 Rachel: It-it did!
 Phoebe: Sure!
 Joey: Hey. (Laughs, then seriously) It happened!
 Rachel: Yeah, it was senior year in college. It was after the Sigma Chi luau and
 Melissa and I got very drunk! And we ended up kissing! For several minutes!
 Phoebe: (To Joey) Which means she had a couple spritzers and a quick peck on the
 cheek.
 Joey: Why are you taking this away from me?
 Rachel: Yeah, why is it so hard for you to believe?!
 Phoebe: Okay! I just I didn't know that you are a lesbian. (Joey
 smiles and nods lewdly.)
 Rachel: I'm not saying that I'm a lesbian! I'm just saying that
 this happened!
 Phoebe: Okay, it just seems pretty wild and you're so y'know
 so vanilla.
 Rachel: (shocked) Vanilla?!
 Phoebe: Yeah.
 Rachel: I'm not vanilla! I've done lots of crazy things! I mean I
 got-I got drunk and married in Vegas!


Phoebe: To Ross.
 Rachel: All right, y'know what? If you don't want to believe me about
 this, why don't you just come with me to dinner tonight and she will tell you.
 Phoebe: Okay! All right! Yeah!  Cause I just can't picture it.
 Joey: Oh-ho, you should get inside my head.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is on the couch reading as Ross enters carrying a
 garment bag.]
 Ross: Hey! Guess what I got for your wedding! (Holding up his garment bag.)
 Chandler: A freakish thin date with a hanger for her head?
 Ross: No. Rachel hooked me up with a tux! But not just any tux, Batman's
 tux!
 Chandler: What?
 Ross: That's right! Made expressly for Val Kilmer and worn by him in the
 hit film that Batman film he was in.
 Chandler: You can't wear that! I'm wearing the famous tux! James
 Bond's tux!
 Ross: So?
 Chandler: So If you wear that you'll make mine less special.
 Ross: Well, you need something to make this day special? Hello! You-you-you have
 the most special thing of all! You are marrying the woman you love.
 (Chandler mimics him.)
 Chandler: Please, don't take away my cool thing. Please?! Pretty please?!
 Ross: Pretty please? Not very uh, 007.
 Chandler: Look, it's my wedding day okay? If you were getting married I
 would never do anything to upset you.
 Ross: When I got married you slept with my sister.
 Chandler: That was pretty 007.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is still working on the seating chart as Joey
 enters.]
 Joey: Hey.
 Monica: Hey. Oh good-good you're here! All right, I figured it out.
 I'm gonna take two tables of eight, I'm gonna add your parents, and I'm
 gonna turn them into three tables of six. Okay? And I called the caterer; I added two
 extra meals, we are good to go!
 Joey: Yeah, they're not coming.
 Monica: (looking at him) What?!
 Joey: Somehow they got the idea that you only invited them because of me.
 They feel a little unwanted.
 Monica: Oh that's too bad. It's true, but too bad.
 Joey: Look Mon, if you could just call my mom
 Monica: Oh Joey!
 Joey: Come on! Look just-just tell let her know that you really want them
 to be there. Let's not forget, this is a woman that has sent you many lasagnas over
 the years.
 Monica: No she hasn't.
 Joey: Is it her fault that some of them didn't make it to you?
 Monica: Well, what am I going to say?
 Joey: I don't know. Just uh, just tell  em it was a mix-up with the
 invitations, or No-no-no! Blame it on the post office. They hate the post
 office. And the Irish! But I don't think you can blame it on them, so  (He dials
 the phone and hands it to Monica.)
 Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Yeah, hi! Mrs. Tribbiani? (Listens) Hi, this
 is Monica Geller. (Listens) Yeah I'm just calling to say that Chandler and I uh,
 really hope you can make it to the wedding. Yeah, apparently a bunch of invitations that
 we sent weren't delivered. Umm, I guess there was some screw up at the damn post
 office! (Joey nods his approval.) (Listens) T-Tell me about it! (Listens) Yeah, yeah, the
 US Post Office? No, more like US lost office! (Listens) What, are they Irish?! (Joey gives
 her a thumbs up.)
 [Scene: A restaurant, Melissa, Rachel, and Phoebe are talking.]
 Melissa:  anyway, his name is Allan and we've been going out for three
 years. He was my first client when I became a party planner. He was planning a party for
 his girlfriend at the time. Oh well. (Rachel and Phoebe politely laugh) And he was Theta
 Beta Pi at Syracuse.
 Rachel: Oh. Oh, that's great!
 Melissa: Hmm Phoebe, were you ever in a sorority?
 Phoebe: Of course! Yeah, I was uh, umm Thigh Mega Tampon.
 Melissa: What one?
 Phoebe: Yeah! Y'know, we were really huge too, but then they had to shut us
 down when Regina Philange died of alcohol poisoning.
 Melissa: Oh, isn't a shame when one girl ruins it for the whole bunch?
 (Phoebe agrees by grunting.)
 Rachel: (changing the subject) Anyway, speaking of drinking too much. I was uh,
 tellin' Phoebe about that one crazy night after the Sigma Chi luau where you and I
 uh, we made out.
 Melissa: (shocked) What?
 Rachel: Remember?! We come on, we both had the sarongs on, and we had the-the
 coconut bikini tops
 Melissa: Yeah?
 Rachel:  we went back to the house and we got really silly and we we made
 out.
 Melissa: Oh wow, Ray-ray I have no idea what you're talking about.
 Phoebe: Really?!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is on the couch as Chandler disgustedly enters.]
 Chandler: Ross is Batman!
 Monica: Well, he did manage to keep his identity secret for a long time.
 Chandler: Rachel got Ross the tuxedo that Val Kilmer wore in Batman. Okay Batman
 is so much cooler than James Bond!


Monica: What are you talking about?! 007 has all those gadgets!
 Chandler: Batman has a utility belt!
 Monica: 007 has a fancy car!
 Chandler: Batman has the Batmobile!
 Monica: 007 gets all the ladies.
 Chandler: Batman has Robin! (Pause) We get ESPN right?
 Monica: How about you go put on your 007 tuxedo and I'll make you a nice
 martini.
 Chandler: Actually, I don't like martinis.
 Monica: How about a Youhoo with a funny straw?
 Chandler: Ooh, yum! (Runs into the bedroom.)
 Joey: (entering) Hey.
 Monica: Hey.
 Joey: Listen, I know the invitation says 6:00, but does that mean that you want
 people to get there at six, or the show is gonna start right at six?
 Monica: The show?!
 Joey: Right. Right. The wedding, gotcha. But I mean, it's gonna start a
 little late right? I mean, weddings start late. Right?
 Monica: Have you ever been to one of my weddings?
 Joey: Ah. Yeah. Well look, the thing is it's the same day as my
 niece's christening and I really want my parents to be there in time to see me.
  Cause my part's just in the beginning I'm not even in the rest of the
 show Wedding!
 Monica: The wedding starts at six.
 Joey: Okay. Okay, I totally hear ya. Oo how about this? I vamp a little
  til they get there?
 Monica: You'll vamp?!
 Joey: Yeah! Yeah y'know, like warm up the crowd. Ask  em where
 they're from.  Cause in Joey Tribbiani you get a minister and you get an
 entertainer. I'm a minis-tainer! (Rapping) There is no-one better! There is no-one
 greater!
 [Scene: The restaurant, continued from earlier.]
 Rachel: How can you not remember us kissing?!
 Melissa: I don't know. I don't remember a lot of things that never
 happened.
 Rachel: Wh  Come on! Remember? We were on the sleeping porch! We
 couldn't stop giggling? And our coconuts kept knockin' together?
 Phoebe: Oh, somewhere Joey's head is exploding.
 Rachel: Yeah but come on Listen, I'm sorry I don't want to
 make you uncomfortable, but I told Phoebe that it happened and she doesn't believe
 me.
 Melissa: I'm sorry Ray-ray. I mean if I thought it happened I would say it.
 Maybe I passed out and you did stuff to me while I was sleeping.
 Rachel: No!!
 Phoebe: Rachel, it's okay. You don't have to do this. I believe you.
 All right? Okay, if-if you say that you kissed Melissa, then you kissed Melissa.
 Rachel: Thank you Phoebe.
 Melissa: She didn't.
 Phoebe: I know.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are working on the seating chart as
 Ross enters carrying his tux around.]
 Ross: Hey!
 Monica: You just carry that around?
 Ross: Yes. I find it to be something of a conversation piece.
 Monica: Between you and
 Ross: Gunther. (To Chandler) Hey-hey! Why don't we put them on? Y'know
 get a picture of Batman and James Bond together.
 Chandler: I would but mine doesn't fit. The pants are a little tight.
 Monica: A little tight? I could see double-oh and seven in those pants.
 Ross: Well that stinks. I was looking forward to us wearing our celebrity tuxes
 together.
 Chandler: Well, does that mean that you're not going to be wearing yours?
 Ross: What, are you kidding? It's Batman's tux!!
 Chandler: (standing up) Let me try it on!
 Ross: Okay, but just the jacket. Double-oh and seven are not gettin' in
 there.
 Chandler: (trying on the jacket) Okay. Holy double-vented comfort Batman! (Finds
 something in the pocket) What's this?
 Ross: What?
 Chandler: An invitation for the At First Sight premiere? Oh my God! Val
 Kilmer didn't wear this in Batman! He wore it to the premiere of some tooty-fruity
 love story where he played a blind guy!
 Ross: Let me see that! (Grabs the invitation and reads it.) Oh man!
 Chandler: The only superpower you have is a slightly heightened sense of smell.
 (Hands him the jacket and walks away.)
 Joey: (entering) Hey! Uh, Monica? Chandler? Can I talk to you guys for a second?
 Monica: All right that's it, I give up! Whatever you want you can have it!
 You wanna sing a song? You wanna do a dance? You want your mom to stand at the
 altar and
 scream racial slurs? I don't care!
 Joey: No! No, I-I just wanna thank you guys for what you did for my parents,
 that was really sweet. They're so happy they get to be a part of your special day.
 Monica: (defeated) Oh.
 Chandler: Well, you're welcome. And tell them we're really glad
 they're coming.
 Joey: Okay. I will. Ohh! Check out what they got me to wear for the ceremony!
 (Runs to his apartment and returns wearing a rather silly hat.) Huh? I wear it like this
 when I marry you guys, and then this (He tilts it to the side of his head) is for party
 time.
 [Scene: Outside the restaurant, Melissa, Phoebe, and Rachel are emerging.]


 The One With The Vows
 The One With The Vows
 Written by: Doty Abrams
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 Episodes Originally Transcribed by: Eric Aasen, Mindy Mattingly Phillips, and guineapig.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is at the kitchen table and Chandler is in the
 living room.]
 Monica: Do you realize that four weeks from today we're getting married?
 Four weeks baby!! Four weeks!!!
 Chandler: Do you realize you get louder each week?
 Monica: There's still so much to do. Have you written your vows yet?
 Chandler: I figured I'd buy those. Pat, I'd like to buy a vow.
 (Laughs)
 Monica: Sweetie, you know I have no sense of humor when it comes to the wedding.
 Chandler: Right. So uh, have you written yours yet?
 Monica: No! But I know exactly what I'm going to say.
 Chandler: Do you happen to know what I'm going to say?
 Monica: (handing him a pad of paper and a pen) Let's just do it right now.
 Okay? It won't be hard. Just say what's in your heart. (She goes back, sits
 down, and starts feverishly writing.)
 Chandler: (watching in her) (in his head) Look at her go! She must love me
 more than I love her! What's wrong with me? Ooh, don't open that door.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is getting help writing his vows from Joey and
 Ross.]
 Chandler: (writing) Monica, there are no words  (To Joey and Ross) There
 are no words! This should not be this hard!
 Joey: All right, uh  (To Ross) Oh hey, you've done this before Ross,
 well what did you say when you made up your vows?
 Ross: Well with Carol, I promised never to love another woman until the day I
 die. She made no such promise.
 Chandler: I'm so pathetic! Monica knows what she wants to say! You
 should've seen her. Writing, writing, writing!
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica has hit a writer's block as Rachel and
 Phoebe enter.]
 Rachel: Monica what?
 Phoebe: What?!
 Rachel: What is the emergency?!
 Monica: You have to help me! I'm supposed to be writing my vows and all I
 have is this! (Shows them what she's been working on.)
 Rachel: Well, I like the pretty little drawing of you in the wedding dress.
 Monica: Thank you.
 Phoebe: Yeah, except your breasts look kinda small. (Points.)
 Monica: Those are my eyes! Those are my breasts. (Points.)
 Phoebe: Oh! Yeah! (Monica glares at her.)
 [Cut to the guys.]
 Ross: Well, why don't you just start with something simple. Like umm,
 Monica from the moment I met you, I knew I loved you.
 Chandler: Yeah, I'm not sure I can do that.
 [Flashback to when Chandler was introduced to Monica in The One With The Thanksgiving
 Flashbacks.]
 Ross: ...everyone, this is Chandler!
 Fat Monica: Hi, I'm Ross's little sister.
 Chandler: (seeing her) Okay.
 [Cut to the girls.]
 Rachel: Okay. Okay. Okay. Umm, maybe you can start with, 'Chandler, even
 though we were friends; there was a part of me that always knew I wanted more.'
 [Flashback to The One With The Jellyfish, Chandler and Monica are lying on the beach.]
 Chandler: All right, there's a nuclear holocaust, I'm the last man on
 Earth. Would you go out with me?
 Monica: Ennnh.
 [Cut back to the girls.]
 Monica: Ooh, are we allowed to lie in the vows?!
 Phoebe: Well maybe you don't talk about your feelings back then. Maybe you
 just say something about, y'know, all the things that he's taught you. Like
 (They all try to think about one example and don't succeed.) Or all the things you
 taught him.
 [Flashback to The One With Phoebe's Uterus, Monica is teaching Chandler how to turn a
 woman on. They're in Monica and Rachel's apartment and Monica has just drawn a diagram of
 a woman.]
 Monica: Now everybody knows the basic erogenous zones. (She starts labelling
 them) You got one, two three, four (Chandler is shocked to find out there's more than
 three), five, six, and seven!
 Chandler: (shocked) There are seven?! (Points to one) That's one?
 Monica: It's kind of an important one!
 Chandler: Oh, y'know-y'know what, I was looking at it upside down.
 Rachel: Well, y'know, sometimes that helps. (She realises what that
 could've meant.)
 Monica: All right. Umm, you could uh start out with a little 1, a 2, a 1-2-3, 3,
 5, a 4, a 3-2, 2, a 2-4-6, 2-4-6, 4, (Rachel starts getting worked up) 2, 2, 4-7, 5-7,
 6-7, 7  7.. 7 7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7 (mouths 7)! (They both lean back
 on the couch satisfied.)
 [Cut to the guys.]
 Joey: Oh, I got it! How about saying something like, 'Monica
 Chandler: (writing) Monica
 Joey: ' when I look back over our time together '
 Chandler: (writes what Joey said and waits for him to go on) Yeah?
 Joey: Well, I can't do everything! Look back over your time together.
 [This starts a series of flashbacks beginning with Monica and Chandler in the waiting
 room in The One With the Birth.]


Phoebe: Oh, look, twins. Hi, guys. Oh, cute, cute.
 Monica: No fair. I don't even have one. How come they get two?
 Chandler: You'll get one.
 Monica: Oh yeah? When?
 Chandler: All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are
 married, what do you say you and I get together and have one?
 Monica: Why won't I be married when I'm 40?
 Chandler: Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically.
 Monica: Ok, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40?
 Chandler: No, no, no.
 Monica: What is it? Is there something fundamentally unmarriageable about me?
 Chandler: (trapped) Uh, uh.
 Monica: Well?
 Chandler: Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack! (throws himself over the back
 of the chair he was sitting in)
 [Cut to Ross leaping into Chandler's Hotel room in London in The One With
 Ross's Wedding.]
 Ross: (Screaming) I'm getting married
 today!! Ahh, whoo-hoo!!(He runs back out the door.)
 Monica: (Comes up for below the covers and
 looks concerned.) Do you think he knew I was here? (Chandler quickly looks at Monica not
 knowing what to say.)
 [Cut to Chandler opening the door to his and Joey's apartment to reveal Monica
 standing there with a turkey on her head in The One With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks.]
 Chandler: Nice try.
 Monica: Wait, wait, wait! (She puts a Shriner's hat on the turkey.)
 Chandler: Look, Monica
 Monica: Look! (She puts a big, yellow pair of sunglasses on the bird.)
 Chandler: This is not going to work.
 Monica: I bet this will work! (She starts dancing and Chandler cracks up.)
 Chandler: You are so great! I love you!
 (Monica stops suddenly and turns around slowly.)
 Monica: What?
 Chandler: Nothing! I said, I said 'You're so great' and then I just, I
 just stopped talking!
 Monica: You said you loved me! I can't believe this!
 Chandler: No I didn't!
 Monica: Yes, you did!
 Chandler: No I didn't!
 Monica: You love me!
 Chandler: No I don't! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
 (Joey walks in and sees Monica. He freaks out and runs back into the hallway,
 screaming.)
 [Cut to Chandler trying to hint to Monica that he wanted to move in with her in The One
 After Vegas.]
 Chandler: Y'know I was thinking, what if I uh, unpack here?
 Monica: Then all your stuff would be here.
 Chandler: Well, what if all my stuff was here?
 Monica: Then you'd be going back and forth all the time, I mean it
 doesn't make any sense.
 Chandler: Okay. What if we lived together and you understand what I'm
 saying?
 [Cut to Chandler entering his and Monica's apartment in The One With The Proposal.]
 (He walks dejectedly into his apartment to find it lit with about a thousand candles
 and Monica standing in the living room.)
 Monica: You wanted it to be a surprise.
 (He turns to look at Joey who smiles slyly and closes the door leaving them alone.)
 Chandler: Oh my God.
 (Monica gets down on one knee.)
 Monica: Chandler  In all my life  I never thought I would be so lucky.
 (Starting to cry.) As to fall in love with my best my best  There's a
 reason why girls don't do this!
 Chandler: Okay! (He joins her on one knee) Okay! Okay! I'll do it! Oh God,
 I thought  (Starting to cry, pauses) Wait a minute, I-I can do this. (Pause) I
 thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing
 that matters is that you, (Pause) you make me happier than I ever thought I could be.
 (Starting to cry again.) And if you'll let me, I will spend the rest of my life
 trying to make you feel the same way. (Pause as he gets out the ring.) Monica, will you
 marry me?
 Monica: Yes.
 (The crowd goes wild as he puts the ring on her finger. They hug and kiss this time as
 an engaged couple.)
 Joey: (yelling through the door) Can we come it yet?! We're dying out here!
 Monica: Come in! Come in! (Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe burst through the door.)
 We're engaged!!!
 (Everyone screams and has a group hug.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are on the couch as Joey and Ross enter.]
 Joey: Hey!
 Ross: Hey!
 Rachel: Hey!
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Rachel: Hey, what have you guys been up to?
 Ross: Oh, we were helping Chandler write his vows, but he kicked us out because
 Joey kept making inappropriate suggestions.
 Joey: How is 'Monica, I love your sweet ass,' inappropriate?
 Ross: How's Monica coming along with her vows?
 Phoebe: Well let's just say its.. she's lucky she has a sweet ass,
  cause she's not so good at the writing.
 Ross: I can't believe that in four weeks they're gonnta be married!
 Phoebe: Well let's just hope it works. Y'know, nine out of ten
 marriages end in divorce?


Ross: Phoebe that's not true.
 Phoebe: Yeah, you're right. How's the Mrs.?
 Rachel: I can't believe they've been together for three years.
 Joey: (shocked) Has it been that long?!
 Ross: Believe me, it seems like less because they hid it from us for so long.
 [Flashback to Joey interrupting a bath Monica and Chandler are sharing in The One With
 All The Kissing. Monica dives underwater as Joey opens the door.]
 (They move into a kiss but are interrupted by Joey knocking on the door.)
 Joey: Hey, it's me! I'm comin' in!
 (Monica quickly dives under the water as Joey enters. He looks a little shocked at what
 Chandler's doing.)
 Chandler: I've had a very long, hard day.
 Joey: Ahh, I'm gonna go get some chicken. Want some?
 Chandler: Ahh, no thanks. No chicken, bye-bye then.
 Joey: Okay.
 (Joey leaves and Monica comes up for air.)
 Chandler: Are you okay? I'm so sorry, he wouldn't leave. He kept asking me about
 chicken.
 Monica: Chicken? I could eat some chicken.
 Chandler: Hey Joe!
 (Monica goes back underwater as Joey re-enters.)
 Chandler: Yeah, can I get a 3-piece, some coleslaw, some beans, and a Coke (Yelps
 in pain as Monica grabs him underwater) Diet Coke.
 (Joey gives him a thumbs up and heads for the chicken.)
 [Cut back to Central Perk.]
 Rachel: I don't know why they didn't just tell us.
 Joey: I know! I mean it's not like we weren't cool about it.
 [This starts a series of flashbacks starting with Monica and Chandler forcing Joey to
 keep his new-found knowledge of their secret relationship in Monica's bedroom in The
 One With All the Kips.]
 Joey: (To Chandler) You?! (To Monica) And-and you?!
 Monica: Yes, but you cannot tell anyone! No one knows!
 Joey: How?! When?!
 Chandler: It happened in London.
 Joey: IN LONDON!!!
 Chandler: The reason we didn't tell anyone was because we didn't want to make a
 big deal out of it.
 Joey: But it is a big deal!! I have to tell someone!
 (They both grab him and stop him.)
 Chandler: No-no-no-no-no! You can't!
 Monica: Please? Please?! We just don't want to deal with telling everyone, okay?
 Just promise you won't tell.
 (Joey thinks it over.)
 Joey: All right! Man, this is unbelievable!
 [Cut to Rachel listening to a phone conversation between Chandler and Monica in The One
 With All the Resolutions.]
 Monica: (on phone) I can't wait to be with you! I'll just tell Rachel I'm
 gonna be doing laundry for a couple of hours.
 Chandler: (on phone) Laundry. Huh. Is that my new nickname? (Rachel is
 absolutely stunned, she opens her mouth in absolute amazement.)
 Monica: (on phone) Awww, y'know what your nickname is, Mr. Big
 Rachel: Arghh!! (She quickly hangs up the phone and starts to pace around
 wondering what to do.)
 [Cut to Phoebe in Ross's new apartment looking at Monica and Chandler and what
 they're about to do in The One Where Everybody Finds Out.]
 Phoebe: (looking out the window) Oh, look! There's Monica and Chandler! (Starts
 yelling.) Hey! Hey, you guys! Hey! (Chandler and Monica start taking each other's clothes
 off.) Ohh!! Ohh! Ahh-ahhh!!
 Rachel: What?!
 Phoebe: (screaming) Ahhh!! Chandler and Monica!! Chandler and Monica!!
 Rachel: Oh my God!
 Phoebe: CHANDLER AND MONICA!!!!
 Rachel: OH MY GOD!!!
 Phoebe: OH!! MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!!
 Rachel: Phoebe!! Phoebe!! It's okay!! It's okay!!
 Phoebe: NO! THEY'RE DOING IT!!!
 Rachel: I KNOW!! I KNOW!! I KNOW!
 Phoebe: YOU KNOW?!!!
 Rachel: Yes, I know! And Joey knows! But Ross doesn't know, so you have to stop
 screaming!!
 Ross: (entering) What's going on?
 Phoebe and Rachel: Ohhh!!!
 Rachel: (trying to divert his attention from the window by jumping up and down)
 HI!! Hi!
 Ross: What?! What?!
 Rachel: Nothing! Oh God, we're just so excited that you want to get this
 apartment!
 Ross: Actually, it looks really good. (Turns towards the window and now Phoebe
 starts jumping to divert his attention.)
 Phoebe: (Screaming incoherently.) Get in here!!! (Motions to join her and
 Rachel.)
 (Ross starts jumping and screaming incoherently and hops over and joins in on the group
 hug.)
 [Cut to later in that episode in Central Perk, a meeting with Phoebe, Rachel, and Joey
 where they discuss Chandler and Monica.]
 Phoebe: Okay, so now they know that you know, and they don't know that Rachel
 knows?
 Joey: Yes, but y'know what? It doesn't matter who knows what. Now, enough of us
 know that we can just tell them that we know! Then all the lying and the secrets would
 finally be over!
 Phoebe: Or, we could not tell them we know and have a little fun of our
 own
 [Cut to later in that episode. Rachel and Phoebe are going to a movie from Monica and
 Chandler's, and as Phoebe walks by Chandler she pinches him on the butt and exits.]
 Rachel: All right honey, we'd better go if we wanna catch that movie.


Monica: Bye!
 All: Bye!
 Phoebe: Bye Chandler! (She walks up to him.) (Quietly.) I miss you already. (She
 pinches his butt.)
 Chandler: (after they've left) Okay, did you see that?! With the inappropriate
 and the pinching!!
 Monica: Actually, I did!
 Chandler: Okay, so now do you believe that she's attracted to me?
 Monica: Ohhh, oh my God! Oh my God! She knows about us!
 [Cut to later in that episode. Monica and Chandler are confronting Joey in his
 apartment about Phoebe's knowledge.]
 Chandler: Phoebe knows about us!
 Joey: Well I didn't tell them!
 Monica: Them?! Who's them?
 Joey: Uhhh, Phoebe and Joey.
 Monica: Joey!
 Joey: And Rachel. I would've told you but they made me promise not to tell!
 Monica: Oh man, they think they are so slick messing with us! But, see,
 they don't know that we know that they know! So
 Chandler: Ahh yes, the messers become the messees!
 [Cut to later in that episode. Phoebe is telling Rachel in Monica and Chandler's
 that Chandler wants to make a date with Phoebe.]
 Phoebe: I'll have to get back to you on that. Okay, bye! (Hangs up.) Oh my God!
 He wants me to come over and feel his bicep and more!
 Rachel: Are you kidding?!
 Phoebe: No!
 Rachel: I can not believe he would do that to Mon Whoa! (She stops suddenly
 and slowly turns to point at Joey. Joey is avoiding her eyes.) Joey, do they know that we
 know?
 Joey: No.
 Rachel: Joey!
 Joey: They know you know.
 Rachel: Ugh, I knew it! Oh I cannot believe those two!
 Phoebe: God, they thought they can mess with us! They're trying to mess with
 us?! They don't know that we know they know we know! (Joey just shakes his head.) Joey,
 you can't say anything!
 Joey: I couldn't even if I wanted to.
 [Cut to later in that episode. Chandler is in his bathroom with Monica, and he's
 panicking on how far Phoebe is pushing him.]
 Chandler: Listen, this is totally getting out of hand! Okay? She wants me to put
 lotion on her!
 Monica: She's bluffing!
 Chandler: Look, she's not backing down! She went like this! (He does a little
 mimic of her dance.)
 [Cut to the hallway where Phoebe is conferring with Rachel.]
 Phoebe: He's not backing down. He went to get lotion.
 Joey: (entering the hall) Oh man! Aren't you guys done yet?!
 Rachel: Joey look, just look at it this way, the sooner Phoebe breaks Chandler
 the sooner this is all over and out in the open.
 Joey: Ooh!
 Rachel: Okay!
 Joey: I like that! (To Phoebe) Oh, okay! Show him your bra! He's afraid of bras!
 Can't work 'em! (He swiftly rips open the front of Phoebe's dress revealing her bra.)
 Phoebe: Joey! (Examining the dress.) Wow, you didn't rip off any buttons.
 Joey: It's not my first time.
 [Cut to the bathroom.]
 Monica: You go back out there, and you seduce her till she cracks!
 Chandler: Okay, give me a second! (Pause) Did you clean up in here?
 Monica: Of course.
 [Cut back to the living room. Chandler slowly exits the bathroom and gets pushed from
 behind by Monica and sees Phoebe closing the apartment door.]
 Chandler: Oh, you're-you're going?
 Phoebe: Umm, not without you, lover. (She slowly walks over to him and is
 showcasing her bra.) So, this is my bra.
 Chandler: (swallowing hard) It's very, very nice. Well, come here. I'm very
 happy we're gonna have all the sex.
 Phoebe: You should be. I'm very bendy. (Pause) I'm gonna kiss you now.
 Chandler: Not if I kiss you first.
 (They move closer together and Phoebe hesitantly puts her hand on Chandler's hip. He
 puts his hand on her waist, but then decides to put his hand on her left hip. Phoebe
 then grabs his butt. Chandler goes for her breast, but stops and puts his hand on her
 shoulder.)
 Phoebe: Ooh.
 Chandler: Well, I guess there's nothing left for us to do but-but kiss.
 Phoebe: Here it comes. Our first kiss.
 (They slowly and hesitantly move their lips together and kiss gently. Phoebe has her
 eyes wide open in shock and Chandler is squinting. He finally breaks the kiss after only a
 short while and pushes Phoebe away.)
 Chandler: Okay! Okay! Okay! You win! You win!! I can't have sex with ya!
 Phoebe: And why not?!
 Chandler: Because I'm in love with Monica!!
 Phoebe: You're-you're what?!
 (Monica comes out of the bathroom like a bolt, and Rachel and Joey both enter.)
 Chandler: Love her! That's right, I LOVE HER!!! I love her!! (They
 walk together and hug.) I love you, Monica.
 Monica: I love you too, Chandler. (They kiss.)
 Phoebe: I just I thought you guys were doing it, I didn't know you were in
 love!
 Joey: So that's it! It's over! Everybody knows!
 Monica: Well actually, Ross doesn't.
 Chandler: Yes, and we'd appreciate it if no one told him yet.
 [Cut to later in that episode. Ross is showing his boss his new place.]


 The One With Chandler's Dad
 The One With Chandler's Dad
 Teleplay by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones
 Story by: Greg Malins
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are sitting around the
 kitchen table as Ross enters.]
 Ross: Hey!
 Monica: Hey!
 Ross: Hey uh Mon, I saw the Porsche parked out front, can I get the keys?
 Thought I'd take that bad boy out for a little spin.
 Rachel: Wait a minute! (To Monica) You let Ross drive the Porsche and
 when I ask you, you say you're the only one who's allowed to drive it.
 Monica: Yeah, well he's my brother! And plus he drives so slow he could
 never hurt it.
 Ross: It's a car Monica! Not a rocket ship!
 Monica: Whatever Ross! Just replace the bulbs in the brake lights after
 you're done.
 Joey: (entering) Hey!
 Ross: Hey!
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Joey: Saw the Porsche out there Mon, lookin' good. When do I get to take
 that baby out again?
 Rachel: (shocked) You let Joey drive it?!
 Phoebe: I've never driven it! Okay? Not once! Okay once. Okay, I drive it
 all the time.
 Monica: Nice work everybody! So much for the y'know, 'You can drive
 it, but don't tell Rachel' plan!
 Rachel: Wow! I can't believe you lied to me.
 Phoebe: Okay, I can fix this! Okay Monica, Rachel thinks all you can talk about
 is the wedding. (Rachel glares at her.)
 Monica: Great! Well Rachel, the reason why I won't let you drive the
 Porsche is because you're a terrible driver. There! That wasn't about the
 wedding.
 Ross: Look Rach if-if you want to go for a ride in the Porsche I'll be glad
 to take you for a quick spin around the block.
 Joey: Yeah, you got a couple hours?
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is there as Ross enters with all his hair sticking
 straight up.]
 Ross: Whew! That was a brisk ride!
 Rachel: Take the top down did ya?
 Ross: Only way to fly.
 (Rachel laughs.)
 Rachel: Come on Ross give me the keys! Monica does not know what
 she's talking about! I am an excellent driver!
 Ross: You're fast and irresponsible. That adds up to a bad driver.
 Rachel: Well in High School, that added up to head cheerleader.
 (A woman walks by and smiles at Ross's hair.)
 Ross: Did you see the look that girl just gave me? Huh? She must've seen me
 cruising in the bad boy.
 Rachel: I think she's checking out your beehive Ross.
 Ross: What?! (Checks his hair.) Give-give me a brush.
 Rachel: Gimme the keys!
 Ross: No way!
 Rachel: Well no brush!
 Ross: Fine! Y'know what? It doesn't matter, because, if I remember
 correctly, there is a comb on the floor of the bathroom.
 (He goes to the bathroom and after he leaves Rachel goes through his coat and grabs the
 keys along with a $20 bill. The woman from before watches her do this.)
 Rachel: (to the woman) Alimony. (Runs outside.)
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Phoebe are counting the invitations as
 Chandler exits from the bathroom.]
 Monica: Chandler, we still haven't gotten an RSVP from your dad.
 Chandler: Oh! Right. Umm, maybe that's because I didn't send him an
 invitation.
 Monica: Chandler! He's your father; he should be at the wedding.
 Chandler: I don't even know the man. Okay? We're not that close. I
 haven't seen him in years.
 Monica: Well what are you gonna do when he finds out he wasn't even asked?!
 Chandler: Well he doesn't have to know! It's not like we run in the
 same circles. I hang out with you guys, and he stars in a drag show in Vegas.
 Phoebe: Ooh, I think I wanna trade circles.
 Chandler: Trust me, you don't want him there either. Okay? Nobody is gonna
 be staring at the bride when the father of the groom is wearing a back-less dress.
 Monica: So what! As long as he's not wearing a white dress and a veil I
 don't care.
 Phoebe: Okay, I think I need to do some shopping. (Gets up and leaves.)
 [Scene: A Street, Rachel is throwing her coat into the Porsche and getting in.]
 Rachel: Ahhh! (Gets in.) Ooh, nice!
 (Suddenly from out of nowhere Ross dives onto the hood.)
 Rachel: My God!
 Ross: What do you think you're doing?!
 Rachel: Just washing the windshield. (She turns on the wipers forcing Ross off
 of the hood.)
 Ross: There is no way I am letting you drive this car! So why don't
 you just hand over the keys?
 Rachel: Oh.
 (Transcriber's Note: She puts the key into the ignition, which is on the left side
 of the steering wheel. Does anyone know why that is? It's a tradition left over from
 Porsche's racing history. The world's greatest endurance race is the 24 Hours of
 LeMans. Which is in France and runs for 24 hours straight from noon on Saturday through
 the dark of night and finishes at noon on Sunday. In the 60s LeMans had a unique
 start where the drivers would actually start the race outside of the car and across the
 track. At the start of the race, the drivers would run across the track, get in the car,
 buckle up, start the car, and drive off. Porsche wanted to reduce the amount of time that
 took. Since all cars to that point had the ignition switches on the right side of the
 steering wheel, that required the drivers to use their right hand to grab the seat-belts,
 put the car in gear and start it. The driver's left hand did nothing. Porsche in
 order to save a few seconds in a 24-hour race; moved the ignition switches to the left
 side of the steering wheel so that the driver could start the car with his left hand while
 grabbing the seat-belts with his right hand. That's why every Porsche car built since
 then has the ignition on the left side of the steering wheel.)


Ross: No ah-ah-ah! Do not start this car! (She starts the car.) Okay!
 Okay! I will give you twenty bucks if you get out of this car right now! (He looks for the
 twenty Rachel stole and doesn't find it.)
 Rachel: Look Ross, if you're so freaked out, just get in the car!
 Ross: With you?! Yeah right!
 Rachel: All right. (She starts off.)
 Ross: (grabbing the car) Okay! Okay! Okay! (He gets in, but into the back seat.)
 Rachel: What are you doing?! Get in the front!
 Ross: In the death seat?!!
 Rachel: Oh my
 (They drive off.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Phoebe are on the couch as a man enters.]
 Man: Hey guys!
 Joey: Hey!
 Phoebe: Hey sweetie!
 Man: Ready to go?
 Phoebe: Yeah! Sure! Ooh, I left my purse up at Monica's. I'll be right
 back. (She goes to get it.)
 Man: (stopping her) Wait a minute!
 Phoebe: What? (He leans in to kiss her.) Oh. (They kiss and Phoebe pauses.) Ooh.
 (Pause) Whoa! That one kept going. (Exits.)
 Joey: So! You and Phoebe huh? How long have you been going out?
 Man: Over a month.
 Joey: Wow! Maybe uh, maybe you and I ought to get to know each other a little
 better.
 Man: Sure, I'd like that.
 Joey: So uh, what's your name?
 Man: (laughs) It's Jake.
 Joey: Joey. (They shake hands.) Hey Jake, do you like the Knicks?
 Jake: Yeah, big fan.
 Joey: Me too! There's a game on Tuesday, do you wanna go?
 Jake: Yeah that would be great! Let me make sure I'm not doing anything
 Tuesday. (He bends over to open his bag, when he does so his pants slide down his butt
 revealing a pink lace secret.)
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is entering from the bedroom carrying two bags of
 luggage.]
 Monica: Here! (She sets a bag down in front of him.)
 Chandler: What's this?
 Monica: It's your suitcase. We're going to Las Vegas.
 Chandler: Are you serious?! I mean like eloping?! No more stupid wedding stuff?!
 No more these flowers or these flowers or these flowers Think of the money we'll
 save!! (Monica just looks at him.) We're not eloping. I love the flowers. Can our
 wedding be bigger please?
 Monica: We're going to Las Vegas to see your dad. It's time you two
 talked, and I want to get to know my father-in-law.
 Chandler: Y'know we already went over this and I won!
 Monica: No you didn't. Oh and honey, just so you know, now that you're
 marrying me, you don't get to win anymore.
 Chandler: Look forget it okay? I don't want to go. I don't want to see
 him. I don't wanna.
 Monica: Chandler, look I-I know that your dad embarrassed you. I know
 Chandler: No-no all kids are embarrassed by their parents, you'd
 have to come up with a whole new word for what I went through. When I was in High School,
 he used to come to all of my swim meets dressed as a different Hollywood starlet.
 Y'know it's hard enough to be fourteen. You're skinny. You're wearing
 speedos That your mom promised that you would grow into! And you look up into the
 stands and there's your dad cheering you on dressed as Carmen Miranda. He was wearing
 a headdress with real fruit that he will later hand out to your friends as a
 healthy snack!
 Monica: Hey, the point is that he was at every one of your swim meets and he was
 there cheering you on! Okay? That's a, that's a pretty great dad.
 Chandler: He had sex with Mr. Garibaldi!
 Monica: Who's Mr. Garibaldi?
 Chandler: Does it matter?!
 Monica: Chandler, you're not fourteen anymore. Okay? Maybe it's time
 that you let that stuff go. If your father's not at your wedding you're
 gonna regret it for the rest of your life.
 Chandler: Yeah o-okay, but I'm just doing this for you.
 Monica: Yes!
 Chandler: So I really never get to win anymore?
 Monica: How much did ever really win before?
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Joey enters.]
 Joey: Pheebs!
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Joey: Listen, you know how uh, when you're wearing pants and you lean
 forward I check out your underwear?
 Phoebe: Yeah!
 Joey: Well, when Jake did it I saw that he was wearing women's
 underwear!
 Phoebe: I know. They were mine.
 Joey: Oh. (Laughs.) No! No wait, that's weird!
 Phoebe: No, it's not! We were just goofing around and I dared him to try
 them on.
 Joey: That's weird!
 Phoebe: I'm wearing his briefs right now.
 Joey: That's kinda hot.
 Phoebe: I think so too. And that little flap? Great for holding my lipstick.
 Joey: Yeah, I wouldn't know about that.
 Phoebe: And! Y'know what Jake says? That women's underwear is actually
 more comfortable. And he loves the way the silk feels against his skin.
 Joey: Yeah well next thing you know, he'll be telling you that your high
 heels are good for his posture!


Phoebe: There is nothing wrong with Jake! Okay? He is all man! I'm thinking
 even more than you.
 Joey: Oh yeah, he looked like a real lumberjack in those pink lacys.
 Phoebe: I'm just saying that only a man completely secure with his
 masculinity could walk around in women's underwear! I don't think you could ever
 do that.
 Joey: Hey! I am secure with my masculinity.
 Phoebe: Okay, whatever.
 Joey: You've seen my huge stack of porn, right? (Phoebe nods.)
 [Scene: The Porsche, Rachel is driving along a highway and Ross has finally moved to
 the death seat and is terrified.]
 Rachel: God. I forgot how much I love driving. I have got to get my
 license renewed.
 Ross: (shocked) You don't have a valid driver's
 license Okay that is it! Pull over right now!
 Rachel: Oh Ross you're so tense! You just gotta relax, okay? Just need to
 relax all right? Just need to relax  (She takes her hands off of the wheel.)
 Ross: (grabbing the wheel) What-what are you doing?! Are you Okay
 that's not funny! Just stop horsing around!
 Rachel: I am not horsing around, okay? I am Porsching around.
 (Suddenly a siren goes off behind them.)
 Rachel: Uh-oh. (She starts to pull over.)
 Ross: Okay, stay calm. Nothing is going to happen to you, you are not in that
 much trouble.
 Rachel: Really? You think so?
 Ross: I was talking to myself! You're going down!
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is walking from the bathroom to his bedroom and walks
 past a pile of Rachel's laundry, which just happens to include a selection of
 panties. He stops, goes back to the basket, looks for Rachel, picks up a lavender thong,
 and heads for his bedroom. However, he decides he doesn't like his selection and goes
 back this time picking up a red low-cut silk brief and heads for his room, flexing along
 the way to prove his masculinity.]
 [Scene: Las Vegas, we have the typical glamour shots of Vegas and the strip before we
 arrive at 4 Queens bar, where Chandler and Monica are sitting at a table waiting for the
 show to start.
 A Waiter in Drag: (to Chandler and Monica) Has someone taken your order yet?
 Monica: Uh oh yeah, she did. Uh, he did. (To Chandler) She? (To the waiter)
 I'm-I'm sorry I'm new. I don't
 Waiter in Drag: (To Chandler) Hm-mmm?
 Chandler: Yeah, I just ordered a beer! (Pounds the table.)
 Waiter in Drag: You're straight. I get it. (Walks away.)
 Monica: I still say that if we had called your dad we coulda gotten better
 seats.
 Chandler: No! No! I don't want him to know we're here yet! I'm not
 sure I'm ready for that. And besides, he's not gonna be too happy to see me
 either.
 Monica: Why not?!
 Chandler: I don't know if I've told you this, but he's kinda
 tried to get in contact with me a lot over the last few years
 Monica: What?!
 Chandler: Yeah, he's made phone calls, written letters, he even came to New
 York, but I always said I was too busy to see him. Y'know it's all very Cats
 in the Cradle I don't want to get into it. (The show starts.) Here we go.
 Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen please welcome the incomparable Helena Handbasket!
 (There's applause as Helena turns around and it's Kathleen Turner.)
 Helena: Hello darlings.
 Chandler: And there's daddy!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: The Porsche, they have pulled over and are waiting for the cop to come talk to
 them.]
 Rachel: Okay. Switch places with me! Switch places with me! Come on! I'll
 go under, you go over!
 Ross: Yeah, I'll get right on that.
 Rachel: Oh come on Ross!! (She tries to switch places with him and goes under
 his leg.)
 Ross: No Rach! Come on! No-no! Yeah, I'm sure we won't get arrested
 for this.
 (She sits back up as the policeman approaches. She undoes her top button.)
 Rachel: (sexily) Hi officer, was I going a little too fast?
 Ross: Oh my God.
 Policeman: Can I see your license please?
 Rachel: Oh yes, absolutely! Y'know, it's weird uh, but I had a dream
 last night where I was stopped by a policeman. And then he uh well I probably
 shouldn't tell you the rest.
 Policeman: Your license?
 Rachel: (handing it to him) Yes. Here you go Officer uh, Handsome.
 Policeman: That's Hanson.
 Rachel: Oops sorry, my mistake.
 Ross: Dear Lord!!
 Policeman: Wow!
 Ross: Here it comes.
 Policeman: This is a great picture.
 Rachel: Really?! You think so? Y'know, I had just rolled out of bed.
 Policeman: Yeah? Well you look phenomenal.
 Ross: Well she should, it was taken ten years ago!
 Rachel: Y'know you're-you're probably wondering about the old
 date on there.
 Policeman: Yes I am.
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Policeman: You're an Aquarius, huh?
 Rachel: I bet you're a Gemini.
 Policeman: Nope.


Rachel: Taurus?
 Policeman: Nope.
 Rachel: Virgo?
 Policeman: Nope.
 Rachel: Sagittarius?
 Policeman: Yep.
 Rachel: I knew it! I knew it, ahh .
 Policeman: Well I tell you what
 Rachel: Yeah?
 Policeman: You're not gonna speed anymore right?
 Rachel: I won't speed.
 Policeman: And you promise you'll get this taken care of right away?
 Rachel: I promise.
 Policeman: And in the meantime you better let him drive. Does he have a license?
 Rachel: Yeah!
 Policeman: Can he handle the stick?
 Rachel: Oh well
 Ross: I can handle the stick!!
 [Scene: 4 Queens Club, Helena Handbasket is singing.]
 Helena: I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and (She
 holds the mike out to the audience.)
 All: Gay!
 Monica: That can't be your father.
 Chandler: Believe me, I've been saying that for years. Oh my God!
 Monica: What?
 Chandler: That's Mr. Garibaldi playing the piano.
 Helena: (singing) For I'm loved by a pretty wonderful boy!
 (Applause.) Hello! And welcome to the show. I see some of our regulars in the audience.
 And a couple of irregulars. (He starts going into the audience.)
 Chandler: He's coming into the audience. He's coming into the
 audience.
 Monica: Relax! You'll be fine. (Chandler exhales and turns off the table
 light.) Oh much better. You're invisible now.
 Helena: (standing at a table and asking the guy sitting there) Where are you
 from?
 Guy: Bakersfield.
 Helena: I'm sorry? (Holds out the mike.)
 Guy: Bakersfield!
 Helena: No-no I heard! I'm just sorry.
 Chandler: It can't happen like this. Okay? I'll meet you back at the
 hotel.
 (He gets up to walk out, but Helena spots and stops him.)
 Helena: (to Chandler's back) Oh look, a standing ovation already! So early
 in the show. Oh turn around honey; let me see your pretty face. (He slowly turns around.
 Helena recognizes him.)
 Monica: Can we have our drinks please?! Waiter Uh, tress!
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Joey enters strutting.]
 Joey: Hey Pheebs! (He sits down next to her.)
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Joey: Check it out. (He turns around, pulls down his pants, and shows Phoebe
 that he's got panties on.) How much of a man am I?!
 Phoebe: Wow! Nice! Manly and also kind of a slut.
 Joey: Y'know, I'm beginning to see what Jake was talking about.
 Phoebe: Uh-huh.
 Joey: The silk? Feels really good!
 Phoebe: Huh.
 Joey: Yeah! And-and things aren't as smashed down as I thought they
 were gonna be.
 Phoebe: That's great Joe!
 Joey: Yeah! And you have so many more choices than you do with
 men's underwear!
 Phoebe: Uh-huh.
 Joey: Bikini, French cut, thong! And-and the fabrics! You've got cotton,
 silk, lace! And y'know what I've always wondered about?
 Phoebe: Hmm?
 Joey: Pantyhose! Y'know? The way they start at your toe and go all the way
 up to here  (He mimed that and stops when he realizes he went too far.) I should go
 take these off shouldn't I?
 Phoebe: I think it's important that you do.
 (Joey agrees and heads to take them off.)
 [Scene: 4 Queens Club, scene continued from earlier.]
 Helena: So what's your name?
 Chandler: (resigning himself to his fate) Chandler. (He quickly sits down.)
 Helena: Chandler? What an unusual name! You must've had terribly fascinating
 parents.
 Chandler: Oh, they're a hoot.
 Helena: (To Monica) And who is your friend?
 Monica: I'm-I'm Monica.
 Helena: Monica! Where are you from?
 Monica: New York.
 Helena: I'm not very fond of New York. Queens I like. (Noticing
 Monica's ring.) Ooh, what is this sparkle something! (Shows the audience who
 woos.) Honey! Huh?
 Chandler: Actually Monica and I are engaged.
 Helena: Really?! Congratulations. When's the big day?
 Monica: (looks at Chandler) In in two weeks.
 Helena: (disappointed) I see. Well, I wish you both a lifetime of
 happiness. (To a bald guy.) So you're bald?
 Chandler: Wait! Wait! We'd really love it if you could be there.
 Helena: We? (Looks at Monica who nods.)
 Chandler: I know it would make me happy, ma'am.
 Helena: Well I wouldn't miss it for the world. Oh! I'm getting all
 misty here! You'd think I was having my legs waxed or something. (Goes back on
 stage.)
 Monica: (To Chandler) You okay?
 Chandler: Yeah. Thanks for making me do this.
 Helena: Before we go on with the show, I just want to say to the bride and groom
 how lucky they are to have found each other. In every life, a little rain must fall.
 Fortunately, in my life  (Four guys wearing rubber boots, shorts, hats, and nothing
 else carrying umbrellas run onto the stage.) (Singing) It's raining men!
 The Chorus Line: Hallelujah!
 Helena: It's raining men!
 The Chorus Line: Amen!
 Chandler: (To Monica) When I was growing up I played the one on the far
 left.
 [Scene: The Porsche, cars are whizzing by and honking their horns on both sides very
 quickly as Ross creeps along.]


 The One With Chandler and Monica's Wedding
 The One With Chandler and Monica's Wedding
 Part I Written by: Greg Malins
 Part II Written by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman
 Parts I & II Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]
 Monica: Do you realize this is probably the last time we'll all be here in
 the coffee house as six single people?
 Phoebe: Why?! What's happening to the coffee house?! (Monica looks at her.)
 Oh! (Realizes.)
 Chandler: Yep! From now on its gonna be the four of you guys and me and the
 mrs. The little woman. The wife. The old ball and chain.
 Monica: Old?
 Chandler: The young hot ball and chain.
 Monica: That's much better.
 Rachel: (checking her watch) Op! We gotta go! (The girls stand up.)
 Ross: Oh, where are you guys going?
 Monica: We're gonna pick up the wedding dress, then we're gonna have
 lunch with mom. (Joey stands up.)
 Ross: Ah. Joey, you're-you're having lunch with my mom?
 Joey: No, I-I just heard lunch. But yeah, I can go. Sure! (They all exit.)
 Ross: (To Chandler) Y'know what? Actually I'm kinda glad they're
 leaving  cause uh, I need to talk to you about something.
 Chandler: What's up?
 Ross: Well this uh, this may be a little awkward.
 Chandler: Listen, if you want to borrow money, its kind of a bad time. I'm
 buying dinner for 128 people tomorrow night.
 Ross: No, its Its not that. Umm, now what I'm going to say to you,
 I'm not saying as your friend. Okay? I'm-I'm saying as it as
 Monica's older brother.
 Chandler: But you're still my friend?
 Ross: Not for the next few minutes.
 Chandler: During this time are you, are you still my best man?
 Ross: Nope.
 Chandler: Do I still call you Ross?
 Ross: Okay! You guys are getting married tomorrow and-and I couldn't be
 more thrilled for both of you, but as Monica's older brother I-I have to tell you
 this. If you ever hurt my little sister, if you ever cause her any unhappiness of any
 kind, I will hunt you down and kick your ass! (Chandler laughs.) What?
 I'm-I'm-I'm serious! (Chandler laughs harder.) Come Hey! Dude! Stop
 it! Okay? I'm-I'm not kidding here!
 Chandler: (smiling) Hey, I hear what your saying, okay? And, thanks for the
 warning.
 Ross: No problem.
 Chandler: So are we friends again?
 Ross: Yeah.
 Chandler: Okay. (Pause) You won't believe what Monica's older
 brother just said to me!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the girls are having breakfast.]
 Rachel: What cha doing Mon?
 Monica: I'm making a list of all the things that are most likely to go
 wrong at the wedding. Now, that way I can be prepared.
 Phoebe: What are they?
 Monica: Well, so far I have uh, my bridesmaids' dresses won't get
 picked up, my veil gets lost, or I don't have my something blue.
 Rachel: Hey! Those are all the things I'm responsible for!
 Monica: I had to go with the odds Rach.
 Joey: (entering) Hey! You guys! Remember that audition I had a while ago and
 didn't get the part?
 Rachel: The commercial?
 Joey: No!
 Phoebe: That play?
 Joey: No!
 Monica: That other play?
 Joey: Nooo!
 Phoebe: The movie?
 Joey: Yes!!
 Phoebe: Ohh!
 Joey: Yes, that's the one about the soldiers who fight in World War I!
 Phoebe: Oh, yeah! Back then y'know, we called it the Great War. It really was!
 Joey: Well anyway, the guy they wanted backed out and now they want me! I start
 shooting today!
 Phoebe: Congratulations!
 Rachel: Oh that's great!
 Monica: Wait! Wait! Wait! You can't start today! Today's the rehearsal
 dinner!
 Joey: Oh no, I'll be done by then.
 Monica: Oh. Well then way to go, you big movie star!
 Joey: I know! All right, I'll see you guys over there! I'm off to
 fight the Nazis.
 Rachel: Oh, wait Joey! We fought the Nazis in World War II, not World War I.
 Joey: Whoa! Okay. Yeah well, who-who was in World War I? (Rachel pauses as she
 thinks.)
 Phoebe: Go ahead.
 Rachel: You're gonna be late! Go! Go! (He runs out.)
 Monica: Who did we fight in World War I?
 Rachel: Mexico?
 Phoebe: Yes! Very good.
 [Scene: Pier 59 Studios, Joey is in costume and standing at the craft services table.
 He checks his pockets and finds some prop coins in a pouch, which he replaces with some
 cookies.]
 The Assistant Director: (approaching) Hey Joey! We're ready.
 Joey: Yeah! Me too. (He pats his pocket.)
 The Assistant Director: (to another actor) Richard? We're ready for you.
 (Richard approaches.) Joey Tribbiani? This is Richard Crosby, he's playing Vincent.
 Joey: I'm doing my scenes with you?
 Richard: Nice to meet you Joey.
 Joey: Wow! I can't believe this! This is incredible. I mean you just won an
 Oscar!
 Richard: No I didn't.


Joey: I think you did.
 Richard: I think I lost. Three times.
 Joey: Uh Cookie?
 The Director: (approaching) Okay! We're about an hour away from getting the
 scene lit. So uh, if you guys don't mind, can we run it a couple of times?
 Richard: Yeah, sure.
 The Director: Okay, all right. Let's do it. (He walks off.)
 And Action!
 Joey: We have to find the rest of the platoon!
 Richard: Forget the platoon! The platoon is gone! (He is spitting on the hard Ps
 and Ts.)
 Joey: (wiping his face) What?!
 Richard: (still spitting) The platoon is dead! Face facts Tony!
 Joey: (wipes face) So what are we gonna do?! We have no reinforcements! No-no
 food!
 Richard: No, we still have food in the basement! I saw potatoes and some dry
 pasta!
 (Joey wipes his eye.)
 The Director: Hang on a minute! Joey, you keep touching your face. Is something
 wrong?
 Joey: (glances at Richard) No. Nope, I uh I th I thought it might be
 kind of a cool character thing. Y'know? He's uh, he's a face toucher.
 (Behind his back, Richard is nodding no.)
 The Director: I don't think so. Let's take it back to Richard's
 last line. (Walks off.) Action!
 Richard: We may not have any weapons, but we still have food. In the basement I
 saw potatoes and some dry pasta, and a few tins of tuna! (Joey backs away and wipes his
 face again.)
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is standing in the kitchen ready to leave for the
 rehearsal dinner.]
 Monica: Honey, we gotta go!
 Chandler: (entering from the bedroom) Okay. Here's a question you never
 have to ask. My dad just called and wanted to know if he could borrow one of your pearl
 necklaces.
 Monica: (laughs) I don't have anything like that, but let me go see if
 Rachel does.
 Chandler: Yes, include more people in this.
 Monica: Hey, do you realize that at this time tomorrow we'll be getting
 married?
 Chandler: Wait a minute! I have a date tomorrow night.
 Monica: I just, I can't believe that we made it!
 Chandler: Well you don't have to sound so surprised.
 Monica: I'm sorry but nothing.
 Chandler: What?
 Monica: Well honestly ever since we got engaged I have been waiting for
 something to.. to flip you out.
 Chandler: Honestly? Me too.
 Monica: Really?
 Chandler: Yeah. Y'know I keep thinking that something stupid is gonna come
 up and I'll go all Chandler. But nothing has.
 Monica: Ohh, I'm so glad. Thank you so much for staying so calm during
 this. I mean it's really, it's made me stay calm. (Chandler just looks at her.)
 I coulda been worse!
 Chandler: Okay. I'll be right there.
 (She exits and as Chandler picks up his coat, the phone rings and the answering machine
 gets it.)
 Monica: (voice on answering machine) Hi! If you're calling before Saturday,
 you've reached Monica and Chandler. But if you're calling after Saturday,
 you've reached Mr. and Mrs. Bing! Please leave a message for the Bings!
 (Chandler freaks out and loosens his tie.)
 [Scene: The Rehearsal Dinner, Chandler and Monica are greeting guests as they arrive. A
 woman enters.]
 Monica: Hey Maureen! (They hug.) Gosh! Hey uh, Chandler? This is my cousin
 Maureen.
 Chandler: We're the Bings.
 (Phoebe and Rachel walk up.)
 Rachel: Hi! Oh you guys look so beautiful!
 Chandler: Mr. and Mrs. Bing! (Walks away.)
 Ross: (walks up) Wow Monica! Hey, just so you know I had my uh, older brother
 chat with Chandler.
 Monica: What is that?
 Ross: Well I I told him that if he ever hurt you I would hunt him down and
 kick his ass! (The girls all laugh.) What?! What?! What is the matter with everybody?! I
 am serious! I would kick his ass! (The laugh harder.)
 Phoebe: Ross, please! My make-up! (He walks away angrily.)
 (Chandler's Mom enters and Chandler meets her by the door.)
 Chandler: Hi.
 Mrs. Bing: Chandler!
 Chandler: Mom. Thanks for wearing something. (They hug.) (She's wearing a
 tight dress with a lot of cleavage showing.)
 Mrs. Bing: Oh honey! This is so exciting! I thought we screwed you up so bad
 this day would never come. Oh and just think. Soon there'll be lots of little Bings.
 (He freaks out and loosens the tie again.)
 (Monica and her parents walk up.)
 Monica: Mrs. Bing? Here, these are my parents umm, Judy and Jack Geller.
 Mrs. Geller: (shaking her hand) It's lovely to meet you.
 Mr. Geller: (shaking her hand) So are you his mother or his father?
 Mrs. Geller: Jack!
 Mr. Geller: What?! I've never seen one before!
 Monica: Dad! There's Ross (points), why don't you go talk to him?
 (Mr. and Mrs. Geller start to walk away.)
 Mr. Geller: I didn't even have a chance to act as though I'm okay with
 it!
 Mr. Bing: (entering) Hello all!
 Chandler: Hi dad.


Monica: Hi Mr. Bing.
 Mr. Bing: Nora!
 Mrs. Bing: Charles.
 Monica: It-it's so great to see you both here.
 Mr. Bing: Yes! Although, I think we may be seeing a little too much of some
 people. Aren't you a little old to be wearing a dress like that?
 Mrs. Bing: Don't you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress
 like that?
 Chandler: Oh my God! (He and Monica walk away.)
 [Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Geller talking to Ross.]
 Mr. Geller:  of course you can kick his ass son.
 Mrs. Geller: You could kick anyone's ass you want to.
 Ross: Thanks you guys. (Walks away happily and his parents smile.)
 [Cut to Monica.]
 Monica: Oh, Rach! Rach! Umm hey, could you do me a favor and would you
 talk to
 Chandler's dad and try to keep him away from Chandler's mom?
 Rachel: Yeah! But I don't know what he looks like!
 Monica: He is the man in the black dress.
 Rachel: Man in the black dress  (Monica walks away and Rachel looks around
 to find a woman in a black dress.) (To her) Hi! I'm Rachel! I'm a friend of
 Monica and Chandler's!
 Woman: I'm Amanda.
 Rachel: Oh I get it! A man duh!
 Ross: (clinking a wine glass) Can I have everyone's attention please?
 I'm uh; I'm Ross Geller.
 Mr. Geller: Doctor Ross Geller.
 Ross: Dad dad, please! As I was saying umm, I'm Dr. Ross Geller. Uhh,
 and I'm the best man. And uh, this marriage is doubly special for me umm, because not
 only is the groom my best friend but uh, the bride is my little sister. And, she's
 the greatest sister a guy could ask for. So if you'd all please join me in raising a
 glass to the, the couple we're here to celebrate. (Everyone does so.) To the Bings.
 All: To the Bings!
 (Everyone clinks glasses and Chandler freaks out again.)
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are in the kitchen.]
 Monica: All right, I'm gonna go steam my wedding dress okay? Who wants the
 responsibility of making sure nothing happens to it?
 Rachel: I'll do it.
 Monica: Who wants it? Anybody?
 Rachel: I said I'll do it!
 Monica: Nobody wants to do it? All right, I'll do it myself.
 Rachel: Monica! I'm not gonna screw it up!
 Monica: Y'know what? You're right, I'm sorry. Actually you were a
 big help tonight. Yeah, and thanks for putting my grandmother in the cab and making sure
 she got to the hotel safely.
 Rachel: Well of course that is what I'm here for!
 Monica: Okay. Sorry. (Monica goes into the bathroom.)
 Rachel: Ugh! (To Phoebe) What grandmother?
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is wearing sunglasses and as he exits his bedroom, Ross
 enters the apartment.]
 Joey: Hey! Where have you been?
 Ross: Oh, taking my parents back to the hotel.
 Joey: Oh.
 Ross: What? Are you going back to work?
 Joey: Yeah.
 Ross: Nice shades.
 Joey: Thanks. Yeah, I figure if I wear these in my scenes at least I won't
 get spit in the eyes, y'know?
 Ross: And if I remember correctly, Ray Ban was the official sponsor of
 World War I!
 Joey: Great! All right. I'll see you later. (He starts to leave.)
 Ross: Hey, where's Chandler?
 Joey: Uh, I think he's in Rachel's room. See ya. (Exits.)
 Ross: (going up to Rachel's closed door) Chandler? (He opens the door and
 looks inside and doesn't see him.) Chandler? (He checks the bathroom and still
 doesn't find him. He then finds a note on the counter. He picks it up and reads it.)
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe and Rachel are in the kitchen as there is a knock
 on the door. Rachel answers it.]
 Ross: Hey!
 Rachel: Hi!
 Ross: Is uh, is Monica here?
 Rachel: She's steaming her dress, why? What's up?
 Ross: I think Chandler's gone. (He hands her the note.)
 Rachel: What?!
 Ross: He left that.
 Rachel: (reading the note) Tell Monica I'm sorry.
 Phoebe: (walking up) What's up? (Rachel hands her the note and she reads
 it.) Tell Monica I'm sorry. (Pause) Tell her yourself!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: The Hallway, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel are discussing the note.]
 Phoebe: Oh my God! Chandler just left though!
 Rachel: Yeah but, maybe it's not what we think. Maybe it's tell Monica
 I'm sorry I drank the last of the milk.
 Phoebe: Or maybe he-he was writing to tell her that-that he's changed his
 name, y'know? Tell Monica I'm sorry.
 Ross: I think it means he freaked out and left!
 Phoebe: Don't be so negative! Good God! Isn't it possible that Sorry
 is sitting in there (Joey and Rachel's apartment) right now?!
 Rachel: Okay. Phoebe, I-I think Ross is right. What are we gonna do?
 Ross: Look Okay, I'm just gonna I'm gonna have to go find
 him and bring him back! Okay? You-you make sure Monica does not find out, okay?


Rachel: Okay.
 Phoebe: (pointing at Ross) Okay but if you don't find him and bring
 him back, I am gonna hunt you down and kick your ass!
 (Ross laughs and Phoebe points harder.)
 Ross: (scared) I will, I will find him.
 [Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is getting his make-up touched up as Richard approaches.]
 Richard: Hey Joey, could you uh, go through these lines with me? (He's
 holding a script.)
 Joey: Oh man! They-they just redid my make-up!
 Richard: Just the last two pages.
 Joey:  Alright.
 (They go onto the set.)
 Richard: I found the picture!
 (He's still spitting and Joey holds his script in front of his face.)
 Joey: Picture? What picture?
 Richard: Could you uh, could you lower your script? I need to see your face so I
 can uh, play off your reaction.
 Joey: Okay uh, look I know you're a great actor, okay? And you play all
 those Shakespeare guys and stuff
 Richard: Oh, thanks.
 Joey: But you're spittin' all over me man!
 Richard: Well of course I am!
 Joey: You know you've been spitting on me?!
 Richard: That's what real actors do! Annunciation is the mark of a good
 actor! And when you enunciate, you spit! (Spits on the t)
 Joey: (wiping face) Wow! Didn't know that.
 Richard: Great!
 Joey: Thanks! Okay-okay check it out! (Reading from the script) Picture? What
 picture? (He pauses then spits) Eh?
 [Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is behind the counter as Ross enters looking for
 Chandler.]
 Ross: Gunther have you uh, have you seen Chandler?
 Gunther: No. No, I haven't seen him.
 Ross: Oh damn!
 Gunther: He's getting married tomorrow, right?
 Ross: Yes. Yes. Don't worry. Everything's fine. We'll uh,
 we'll see you tomorrow at the wedding.
 Gunther: I wasn't invited.
 Ross: Well then, we'll-we'll see you the day after tomorrow. (Walks
 away slowly, but notices something.) Mom?! Dad?! (They're sitting by the window.)
 What-what what you guys doing here?!
 Mr. Geller: Well, you kids talk about this place so much, we thought we'd
 see what all the fuss is about.
 Mrs. Geller: I certainly see why the girls like coming here.
 Ross: Why?!
 Mrs. Geller: The sexy blonde behind the counter. (She waves at Gunther who waves
 back.)
 Ross: (shocked) Gunther?!
 Mr. Geller: Your mother just added him to her list.
 Ross: What? Your-your list?
 Mrs. Geller: Yeah, the list that of people we're allowed to
 sleep
 Ross: Yes! No-no! I know, I know what the list is! Mom! Look if you see
 Chandler, could you just let him know I'm looking for him?
 Mr. Geller: And if you see Rita Moreno, let her know I'm looking for her.
 (Ross points at him and exits.)
 [Scene: The Movie Set, Richard and Joey are doing a scene.]
 The Director: Action!
 Richard: I found the picture!
 Joey: What picture?!
 Richard: The picture of my wife! In your pack!
 Joey: You went through my personal property?
 Richard: Why do have a picture of Paulette in your pack?!
 Joey: (pause) Because Vincent, we were lovers. (Pause) For two years!
 The Director: Cut! Wonderful!
 (Joey and Richard both wipe their faces and are given towels.)
 Joey: Great scene yeah?
 Richard: Oh you're awesome! And, in that last speech? You soaked me.
 Joey: Thanks a lot.
 The Assistant Director: (To Joey) Here's your call sheet for tomorrow.
 Joey: Oh, I'm-I'm not working tomorrow.
 The Assistant Director: You are now.
 Joey: No! No! I can't! You gotta get me out of it! I've got plans!
 (Spits.) Important plans! (Spits on the Ps.)
 (The AD walks away wiping his face.)
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the next morning, Rachel and Phoebe are eating
 breakfast.]
 Rachel: (closing the door) Ross said there's still no word from Chandler.
 Phoebe: Oh man.
 Rachel: Oh but he did say that they found the grandmother wandering down fifth
 avenue.
 Phoebe: Okay. Well there's one down.
 Monica: (entering from her room, excitedly) I'm getting married today!!!
 (She trips and falls.) (Getting up) I think I just cracked a rib. But I don't care
 because today's my wedding day! My day is finally here!! (Runs back into her room.)
 Phoebe: Y'know she might not even notice he's gone.
 Monica: (re-entering) I'm gonna start getting ready! (Goes back into her
 room.)
 Rachel: God! Don't We can't let her start getting ready! This is
 too awful! Oh God, but wait she'll be in the gown and then he won't show up and
 then she's gonna have to take off the gown
 Phoebe: Shhh! Stop it! Stop it Rachel! You can't do this here! (She drags
 her into the bathroom.)
 Rachel: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just It's just so
 sad!
 Phoebe: Yeah, but you've got to pull yourself together! Monica can't
 see you like this! Then she'll know something's wrong!
 Rachel: I know. I know. Oh God. (Looking around) There's no tissue! Can you
 grab me some toilet paper?


Phoebe: Yeah. (Looks.) Oh, that's gone too. This is Monica's
 bathroom right?!
 Rachel: Oh!
 Phoebe: No-no! I-I I found one.
 Rachel: Okay.
 (Phoebe reaches into the trash can, pulls one out, and hands it to Rachel.)
 Rachel: Oh thank you! (Wiping her nose.) Oh God! (She throws it out.) Can I have
 another one?
 Phoebe: (looking into the trash can) Sure. (Reaching into the trash can.) Do you
 need some floss? (Grabs a piece of it.)
 Rachel: Oh God I just cannot imagine what is gonna happen if Chandler
 doesn't show up!
 Phoebe: Oh here's a whole bunch.
 Rachel: Oh, I mean she's gonna be at the wedding waiting for him and people
 will be whispering, 'Oh that poor girl.' Y'know? Then she'll have to
 come back here and live all alone.
 Phoebe: (finding something interesting in the trash can) Oh my God!
 Rachel: What?
 Phoebe: There was a pregnancy test in the garbage, and it's positive.
 Monica's pregnant. (Rachel covers her mouth.) So I guess she won't be totally
 alone.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's bathroom, the scene is continued from earlier.]
 Rachel: Oh my God!
 Phoebe: I know! Monica's gonna have a baby! Hey, can this count as her
 something new?
 Rachel: Oh my God!
 Phoebe: Hey, do you think this is why Chandler took off?
 Rachel: No, she had to have just taken that test because I took out the trash
 last night.
 Phoebe: Oh God, this is turning into the worst wedding day ever! The bride is
 pregnant. The groom is missing. And I'm still holding this. (She throws the test back
 into the trash.)
 Rachel: Okay Phoebe, we cannot tell anyone about this.
 Phoebe: Right.
 Rachel: Okay?
 Phoebe: Yeah, okay. Hey, wait. Do you know what kind of birth control she was
 using?
 Rachel: No. Why?
 Phoebe: Just for the future, this is hardly a commercial for it.
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is just hanging up the phone as Rachel and Phoebe
 enter.]
 Rachel: Anything?
 Ross: No! I talked to Joey on the set, he hasn't heard from him. I-I-I
 talked to Chandler's parents again!
 Phoebe: You told them he was missing?
 Ross: No! I made it seem like I was just calling to chat. Pretty sure, they both
 think I'm interested in them.
 Rachel: All right, we've got to tell her he's gone. (Starts to leave.)
 Ross: No! Hey! Hey! We can't!
 Rachel: Ross, she's gonna start getting ready soon!
 Ross: Well, can't you at least stall her a little? I'll-I'll go
 back to some of the places I went last night.
 Rachel: All right, well how much time do you need?
 Ross: Well how much time before she absolutely has to start getting ready?
 Rachel: One hour.
 Ross: Give me two.
 Rachel: Then why do you ask?!
 (They all go into the hallway.)
 Ross: Okay, wish me luck.
 Phoebe: Okay. I'm going with you.
 Ross: Why?!
 Phoebe: Ross, you're tired. You've been looking all night. And clearly
 you suck at this.
 Rachel: All right, I'll see you guys later.
 Phoebe: Okay. Wait, do you know how you're going to stall her?
 Rachel: I'll figure something out.
 Phoebe: All right. Good luck.
 Rachel: Thanks.
 (Phoebe and Ross go to look for Chandler and Rachel enters Monica and Chandler's.)
 Monica: Hey! Okay, so I thought we'd start with my make up and then do my
 hair.
 Rachel: Okay uh, but before you do that. I-I, I need you to talk to me.
 Monica: About what?
 Rachel: Umm  I'm never gonna getting married!
 Monica: Yeah you will! The right guy is just around the corner! Okay, are we
 done with that?
 Rachel: No Monica! I'm serious! Oh, maybe I should just forget about it.
 Become a lesbian or something.
 Monica: Any woman would be lucky to have ya.
 Rachel: Well maybe it would make me feel better if I slept with Joey.
 Monica: (jumping up) Rachel! You okay?
 [Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is reporting for work.]
 Joey: Excuse me, Aaron? (The director turns around.) Hi! Umm, I have a little
 problem with the schedules. Originally, I wasn't supposed to work today, and I have
 this wedding that I really have to be at. It's my best friend's, and I'm
 officiating so I really can't work past four.
 The Director: Joey, you gotta stay until the end. We can't stop filming
 just for you. It's not like it's your wedding. (Starts to walk away.)
 Joey: I'm having surgery!
 The Director: What?!
 Joey: Yeah, I-I just made up the stuff about the wedding because I didn't
 want you to worry about me. But, I'm having surgery today.
 The Director: What kind of surgery?!
 Joey: Transplant.
 The Director: But you're supposed to work on Monday.
 Joey: Hair transplant.
 The Director: But you're not bald.
 Joey: It's not on my head.
 The Director: Look Joey, there's nothing I can do. Besides, you're
 probably gonna be out by four anyway. We've just got one short scene. It's just
 you and Richard, and God knows he's a pro. You'll be fine. (Walks away and sees
 Richard entering.) Morning Richard.


Joey: Hey! You're here! Great! Great! Great! Let's get going buddy,
 we've got a scene to shoot!
 Richard: I'm wearing two belts.
 Joey: Are you drunk?
 Richard: No!
 Joey: Yes you are!
 Richard: All right.
 [Scene: A Street, Phoebe and Ross are exiting a pizza place.]
 Ross: We are never gonna find him! He's one guy in a huge city!
 Phoebe: Oh my God! Is that him? (She points at someone.)
 Ross: That is an old, Chinese woman!
 Phoebe: He could be in disguise, y'know.
 Ross: Aw, y'know Y'know, maybe we're-we're just
 approaching this all wrong. If you're Chandler and-and you wanna hide, where is the
 last place on Earth people would think you'd go?
 [Cut to an office building.]
 Ross: So this is your office?
 Chandler: How did you guys find me? I knew I should've hid at the gym!
 Phoebe: What the hell are you doing?!
 Chandler: Panicking! And using the Internet to try to prove that I'm
 related to Monica. How is she?
 Ross: She's fine. She doesn't know you're gone. And she
 doesn't have to know, okay? Now come on, we're going home.
 Chandler: No! No! No! I can't do that!
 Phoebe: Why not?!
 Chandler: Because if I go home, we're gonna become the Bings! I can't
 be the Bings!
 Ross: What's wrong with being the Bings?
 Chandler: The Bings have horrible marriages! They yell. They fight. And they use
 the pool boy as a pawn in their sexual games!
 Ross: Chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail dress and asked me up to
 your hotel room?
 Chandler: No.
 Ross: Then you are neither of your parents!
 Chandler: It's not just their marriage! I mean, look at yours. Look at
 everybody's! The only person that can make marriage work is Paul Newman! And
 I've met me; I am not Paul Newman. I don't race cars! I don't make popcorn!
 None of my proceeds go to charity.
 Phoebe: But look Chandler, right now no-one has a lower opinion of you than I
 do. But I totally believe you can do this.
 Chandler: I want to. I love her so much, but I'm afr It's too
 huge.
 Ross: Y'know, okay. You're right. It is huge. So why don't we
 take it just a little bit at a time? Okay? Umm, forget getting married for a sec; just
 forget about it. Can you just come home and take a shower?
 Chandler: Well yeah, but then
 Ross: (interrupting him) Yeah No-but-but-but-but! We're just gonna go
 home and take a shower. Now, that's not scary right?
 Chandler: Depends on what you mean by we.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is still trying to stall Monica.]
 Rachel: The nights are the hardest. (Checks her watch.) But then the day comes!
 And that's every bit as hard as the night. And then the night comes again
 Monica: (interrupting) The days and nights are hard! I get it! Okay? Look umm,
 Rachel I'm sorry! I have to start getting ready! I'm getting married today!
 Rachel: I know. At dusk. That's such a hard time for me.
 Monica: (getting up) I'm gonna go put my make-up on, we have to be at the
 hotel in an hour! (Starts for the bathroom.)
 Rachel: Okay. But wait!
 Monica: What?!
 Rachel: Let's go to lunch.
 Monica: I can't go to lunch!!
 Rachel: Right.
 (Monica goes into the bathroom and Rachel thinks quickly.)
 Rachel: Oh good God! I've fallen down! (She trips and falls.)
 Monica: (entering) What's going on?
 Rachel: Okay. Alright. (Gets up.) Honey listen. When I tell you what I'm
 about to tell you, I need you to remember that we are all here for you and that we love
 you.
 Monica: Okay, you're-you're really freaking me out.
 Rachel: We can't find Chandler (Phoebe sticks her head and motions
 that they found Chandler)  s vest. We can't find Chandler's vest.
 Monica: How can that be?! Oh wait! Wait! Are you, are you serious?!
 Phoebe: (entering) Found the vest! I mean we're gonna have to keep an eye
 on it, y'know make sure we don't lose it again
 Rachel: Oh!
 Monica: Oh wow! Okay. Don't scare me like that okay? I mean for a minute
 there I was like, 'Oh my God! The worst has happened!'
 (Monica goes into the bathroom and Phoebe and Rachel breathe a sigh of relief.)
 [Scene: The Movie Set, Joey and Richard are in the middle of a scene. They are both
 holding swords.]
 Joey: I would sooner die in this hellhole then see her back with you!
 Richard: That can be arranged.
 (Richard thrusts, misses Joey by several feet and Joey screams in pain and drops to his
 knees.)
 The Director: Let's reset.
 Joey: What?! He got me! Owwwwww!!!
 The Director: Let's take it from there.
 Richard: (To Joey) Are you a little off today? It's going terribly slowly.
 Joey: Look, my best friends are getting married in like an hour. Okay? And
 I'm the minister. Please! Please! Can you pull it together?
 Richard: Of course! I'm-I'm sorry. I-I'd hate you to miss
 anything like that on account of me. I can do this!