 The One With the Birth
 The One With the Birth
 Story by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman
 Teleplay by: Jeff Greenstein & Jeff Strauss
 Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips
 With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein
 [Scene: The hospital, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are in the waiting room,
 waiting for Carol and Susan to arrive.]
 Ross: She's not here yet. She's not here. She's having my baby and she's not
 here.
 Monica: I'm sure everything's fine. Has her water broke yet?
 Ross: I don't know, but when I spoke to her, she said she had already passed the
 mucus plug.
 (Joey makes a sound of absolute disgust.)
 Joey: Do we have to know about that?
 Monica: Joey, what are you gonna do when you have a baby?
 Joey: I'm gonna be in the waitin' room, handing out cigars.
 Chandler: Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the
 50's.
 Ross: God, I don't believe this. She could be giving birth in the cab.
 Rachel: Oh, Ross, relax. It's probably like two dollars for the first
 contraction, and then fifty cents for each additional contraction.
 (Everyone looks at Rachel as though she made a tasteless comment.)
 Rachel: What, it's ok when Chandler does it?
 Chandler: You have to pick your moments.
 (Phoebe arrives, guitar in hand.)
 Phoebe: Did I miss it, did I miss it?
 Ross: She's not even here yet.
 Monica: What's with the guitar?
 Phoebe: I just thought we might be here for awhile. You know, things might get
 musical.
 (Carol and Susan arrive.)
 Ross: (to Carol) Where the hell have you been?
 Susan: We stopped at the gift shop.
 Carol: I was looking at stuffed animals, and Susan wanted a Chunky.
 Ross: Susan wanted a Chunky. We're having a baby, ok, a baby, you don't
 stop for Chunkys.
 Chandler: I used to have that bumper sticker.
 (Everyone is amused by Chandler's comment.)
 Chandler: (to Rachel) You see what I mean.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Carol's Hospital Room, Carol is on the bed, Ross and Susan are at her side.]
 Ross: Stopped for a Chunky.
 Carol: Let it go, Ross.
 Susan: I got an extra one. You want this? (holds the candy in front of Ross'
 face)
 Ross: (weakly) No.
 (Carol's doctor, Dr. Franzblau arrives.)
 Dr. Franzblau: Hey, how's my favorite parenting team doing?
 Ross: Dr. Franzblau, hi.
 Dr. Franzblau: So, I understand you're thinking of having a baby? Well, I see
 you're nine months pregnant. That's a good start. How you doing with your contractions?
 Carol: Oh, I love them. Each one's like a little party in my uterus.
 Susan: They're every four minutes and last 55 seconds.
 Ross: 59 seconds. (holds up his watch) Quartz, ha.
 Susan: Swiss quartz, ha, ha.
 Carol: Am I allowed to drink anything?
 Dr. Franzblau: Ice chips, just ice chips. They're at the nurses' station.
 Ross: I'll get it.
 Susan: No, I'm getting it. I'll be right back.
 Ross: I got it I'm getting it!
 (They both leave just as Rachel enters the room, holding a cup.)
 Rachel: Hi, I thought you might like some ice chips.
 Carol: Thanks.
 Rachel: And if you need anything else, I (notices the handsome Dr.
 Franzblau) do not believe we've met. Hi. I'm, uh, Rachel Green. I'm Carol's...
 ex-husband's... sister's roommate.
 Dr. Franzblau: It is nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Franzblau. I'm your roommate's...
 brother's... ex-wife's obstetrician.
 Rachel: Oh, that's funny!
 [Scene: The Waiting Room, Chandler is falling asleep on Monica's shoulder.]
 Monica: I want a baby.
 Chandler: Mmmm. Not tonight, honey. I got an early day tomorrow.
 Monica: Get up. Come on. Let's get some coffee.
 Chandler: Oh, ok, 'cause we never do that.
 (Chandler and Monica leave. Cut to Joey, watching the Knicks/Celtics game on
 television.)
 Joey: (to the screen) Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot, or just fall down. That's good
 too.
 (A young pregnant woman enters.)
 Lydia: Knick fan?
 Joey: Oh, yeah.
 Lydia: Oh, boy, do they suck.
 Joey: Hey, listen, lady....(sees that she's pregnant)...whoa.
 Lydia: Look, look at your man, Ewing. Nice shot. You know what, he couldn't hit
 water if he was standing on a boat.
 Joey: Oh yeah? And who do you like?
 Lydia: The Celtics.
 Joey: The Celtics? Ha. They couldn't hit a boat if...wait. They suck, alright?
 Lydia: Oh, shut up. You know, it's a rebuilding year. You... waah!
 Joey: Wha? Wha..aa? Let me get the father. Hey, we need a father over here! We
 need a father!
 Lydia: There is no father.
 Joey: Oh, oh, oh, sorry.
 Lydia: Ok, that's ok. I'm fine. I'm... oh!
 Joey: Oh, uh, ok. Right this way. All the other pregnant women seem to be goin'
 in here.
 Lydia: Ok.
 (Joey accompanies Lydia to a hospital room.)
 [Scene: The Waiting Room, Phoebe is playing a song. Chandler, Monica, and Ross are
 there as well.]


Phoebe: (singing)
 They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch,
     and soon they'll grow up and resent you so much.
     Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why,
     you cry and you cry and you cry.
     And you cry and you cry and you cry...
 (Ross gives Phoebe a dollar.)
 Phoebe: Thanks, Ross.
 Ross: Yeah. I'm paying you to stop.
 Phoebe: Ok.
 (A woman passes by, carrying newborn twins.)
 Phoebe: Oh, look, twins. Hi, guys. Oh, cute, cute.
 Monica: No fair. I don't even have one. How come they get two?
 Chandler: You'll get one.
 Monica: Oh yeah? When?
 Chandler: All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are
 married, what do you say you and I get together and have one?
 Monica: Why won't I be married when I'm 40?
 Chandler: Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically.
 Monica: Ok, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40?
 Chandler: No, no, no.
 Monica: What is it? Is there something fundamentally unmarriable about me?
 Chandler: (trapped) Uh, uh.
 Monica: Well?
 Chandler: Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack! (throws himself over the back
 of the chair he was sitting in)
 (Rachel enters, in a formal dress.)
 Rachel: Hey.
 Phoebe: Hey. Ooh, look at you, dressy-dress.
 Monica: Did you go home and change?
 Rachel: Yeah, well, it's an important day. I wanna look nice. Um, has uh Dr.
 Franzblau been by?
 Monica: No, I haven't seen him.
 Rachel: Well, where is he? He is supposed to be here. (Pause) What if the baby
 needs him?
 Chandler: Rachel, what is the deal with you and doctors, anyway? Was, like, your
 father a doctor?
 Rachel: Yeah, why?
 Chandler: No reason. (turns around, makes an 'Oh my God' gesture with his eyes)
 [Scene: Joey and Lydia in the hospital room. Lydia is on the phone with her mother.]
 Lydia: Mom, we've been through this. No, I'm not calling him. I don't care if it
 is his kid, the guy's a jerk. No, I'm not alone. Joey's here. (pause) What do you mean,
 Joey who? (covers the phone, to Joey) Joey who?
 Joey: Tribbiani.
 Lydia: Joey Tribbiani. Yes, ok. Hold on. (to Joey) She wants to talk to you.
 Take the phone.
 Joey: (takes phone) Hi, yeah, it's me. (Listens) Oh, no no no, we're just
 friends. (Listens) Yeah, I'm single. (Listens) 25. (Listens) An actor. (Listens) Hello?
 Lydia: She's not much of a phone person.
 Joey: Yeah, so, uh, so, uh, what's the deal with this father guy, I mean, if
 someone was havin' my baby somewhere, I'd wanna know about it, you know?
 Lydia: Hey, Knick fan, am I interested in your views on fatherhood? Uh, no.
 Joey: Ok, look, maybe I should just go.
 Lydia: Maybe you should.
 Joey: Good luck, and uh, take care, huh?
 (He leaves, but then returns a moment later.)
 Joey: You know what the Celtics problem is? They let the players run the team.
 Lydia: Oh, that is so not true.
 Joey: Oh, it is.
 Lydia: It isn't.
 Joey: It is.
 Lydia: Isn't!
 [Scene: Carol's Hospital Room, Ross and Susan are coaching Carol.]
 Ross: Breathe.
 Susan: Breathe.
 Ross: Breathe.
 Susan: Breathe.
 Ross: Breathe.
 Susan: Breathe.
 Carol: You're gonna kill me!
 Ross: 15 more seconds, 14, 13, 12...
 Carol: Count faster.
 Susan: It's gonna be ok, just remember, we're doing this for Jordie. Just keep
 focusing on Jordie.
 Ross: Who the hell is Jordie?
 Susan: Your son.
 Ross: No-no-no. I don't have a son named Jordie. We all agreed, my son's name is
 Jamie.
 Carol: Well, Jamie was the name of Susan's first girlfriend, so we went back to
 Jordie.
 Ross: What? Whoa, whoa whoa whoa, what do you mean, back to Jordie? We
 never landed on Jordie. We just passed by it during the whole Jessy, Cody, Dylan
 fiasco.
 Carol: Ow, ow, ow, ow, leg cramp, leg cramp, leg cramp.
 Ross: I got it.
 Susan: I got it.
 Ross: I got it! Hey, you get to sleep with her, I get the cramps.
 Susan: No, you don't.
 Carol: All right, that's it. I want both of you out.
 Ross: Why?
 Susan: He started it!
 Ross: No, you started it.
 Susan: You did!
 Carol: I don't care. I am trying to get a person out of my body here, and you're
 not making it any easier.
 Ross: But...
 Carol: Now go!
 Ross: (to Susan) Thanks a lot.
 Susan: (to Ross) See what you did.
 Ross: (to Carol) Yeah, listen...
 Carol: Out!
 (Ross and Susan both angrily leave the hopsital room.)
 [Scene: Lydia's Hospital Room, Joey is helping Lydia go through labor, a nurse is now
 present in her room as well.]
 Nurse: Breathe, breathe, breathe...
 Lydia: Oh, no.
 (Joey looks down at Lydia.)


Joey: Ew! What is that? Something exploded!
 Nurse: It's just her water breaking. Calm down, will you?
 Joey: (panicked) Water breaking, what do you mean? What's that, water breaking?
 Nurse: (to Joey) Breathe, breathe, breathe.
 [Scene: The Hall, Ross and Susan are arguing.]
 Ross: Please. This is so your fault.
 Susan: How, how is this my fault?
 Ross: Look, Carol never threw me out of a room before you came along.
 Susan: Yeah? Well, there's a lot of things Carol never did before I came along.
 Ross: You tryin' to be clever? A funny lady?
 Susan: You know what your problem is? You're threatened by me.
 Ross: Oh, I'm threatened by you?
 Susan: Yes.
 (Phoebe has heard them arguing and comes down the hall, taking them into a broom
 closet.)
 Phoebe: Hey, hey, ok, all right, that's it! Get in here. Come on. My god, you
 guys, I don't believe you. There are children coming into the world in this very building
 and your negative fighting noises are not the first thing they should be hearing. So just
 stop all the yelling, just stop it!
 Ross: Yeah, Susan.
 Phoebe: Don't make me do this again, I don't like my voice like this.
 (Phoebe goes to leave the room, but the door is locked.)
 Phoebe: Ok, who wants to hear something ironic?
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross and Susan are trying to get out.]
 All: Help!
 Ross: I'm having a baby in here! Ok, everyone stand back. (Walks backwards as if
 he is going to break down the door, but steps in a bucket and falls) Ow.
 [Scene: Carol's room, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau are there with her.]
 Carol: Are they here yet?
 Rachel: No, honey, they're not, but don't worry, because we are going to find
 them, and until we do, we are all here for you, ok?
 Carol: Ok.
 Rachel: Ok?
 Carol: Ok.
 Rachel: (to Dr. Franzblau) Ok, so anyway, you were telling me about Paris, it
 sounds fascinating.
 Dr. Franzblau: It really was. There was this great little pastry shop right by
 my hotel. (Carol sits up in pain, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau casually lay her back down)
 There you go, dear.
 [Scene: Lydia's Room, Joey is helping her deliver.]
 Joey: Come on, Lydia, you can do it. Push! Push 'em out, push 'em out, harder,
 harder. Push 'em out, push 'em out, way out! Let's get that ball and really move, hey,
 hey, ho, ho. Let's  (notices the nurse looking at him strangely) I was
 just yeah, right. Push! Push!
 [Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross has picked up a vacuum and is holding it at the door.]
 Susan: What're you gonna do, suck the door open?
 Ross: Help! Help!
 Phoebe: (singing) They found their bodies the very next day, they found their
 bodies the very next...(sees Ross and Susan staring at her) la la la la la la.
 Susan and Ross: (even louder) Help!
 [Scene: The Waiting Room, Monica is on the phone with her mother, Chandler is standing
 behind her.]
 Monica: Now, Mom, everything's going fine, really. (Listens) Yeah, Ross is
 great. He's uh, he's in a whole other place. (Listens) No, he's gone. (Listens) No no, you
 don't have to fly back, really. (Listens) What do you mean this might be your only chance?
 (Listens) Would you stop? I'm only 26, I'm not even thinking about babies yet.
 (Monica sees a woman pass by with a baby, puts the phone to her chest, and starts to
 cry. Chandler takes the phone, makes a noise in it resembling static, and hangs up. Joey
 enters.)
 Chandler: Where have you been?
 Joey: Oh, just had a baby.
 Chandler: Mazel tov!
 [Scene: The Waiting Room, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau have gone to get coffee.]
 Dr. Franzblau: I don't know, could be an hour, could be three, but relax, she's
 doing great. So, uh, tell me, are you currently involved with anyone?
 Rachel: (anxiously) No, no, not at the moment, no, I'm not. Are you?
 Dr. Franzblau: No, it's hard enough to get women to go out with me.
 Rachel: Right, yeah, I've heard that about cute doctors.
 Dr. Franzblau: No, no, really. I suppose it's because I spend so much time, you
 know, where I do.
 Rachel: Oh.
 Dr. Franzblau: I try not to let my work affect my personal life, but it's hard,
 when you... do what I do. It's like uh...Well, for instance, what do you do?
 Rachel: I'm a waitress.
 Dr. Franzblau: Ok, all right, well aren't there times when you come home at the
 end of the day, and you're just like, 'if I see one more cup of coffee'...
 Rachel: (getting the point) Yeah. Gotcha.
 Dr. Franzblau: I'm gonna go check up on your friend.
 Rachel: Ok. That's fine. (takes her earrings out)
 [Scene: The Hall Outside Lydia's Room, Joey is walking up to Lydia's room with
 balloons, but before he enters he sees that the baby's father has arrived. He listens at
 the door.]
 Lydia: So how did you know I was even here?
 Guy: Your mom called me. So is this her?
 Lydia: No, this is a loaner.
 Guy: I'm sorry you had to do this by yourself.
 Lydia: I wasn't by myself. I had a doctor, a nurse, and a helper guy. (Joey
 smiles) So, did you see who won the game?
 Guy: Yeah, the Knicks by 10. They suck.
 Lydia: Yeah, they're not so bad.
 (Joey closes the door and ties the balloons to the knob. Then he walks away, holding
 the hand of an inflated balloon animal he had brought.)
 [Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross is trying to open the door with a credit card, with no
 success.]


Ross: Come on, come on. Damnit, damnit, damnit, damnit. (to Susan) This is all
 your fault. This is supposed to be, like, the greatest day of my life, y'know? My son is
 being born, and I should be in there, you know, instead of stuck in a closet with you.
 Susan: The woman I love is having a baby today. I've been waiting for this just
 as much as you have.
 Ross: No no no, believe me. No one has been waiting for this as much as I have,
 ok? And you know what the funny thing is? When this day is over, you get to go home with
 the baby, ok? Where does that leave me?
 Susan: You get to be the baby's father. Everyone knows who you are. Who am I?
 There's Mother's Day, there's Father's Day, there's no... Lesbian Lover Day.
 Ross: Every day is Lesbian Lover Day.
 Phoebe: This is so great.
 Ross: You wanna explain that?
 Phoebe: I mean, well, 'cause when I was growing up, you know my dad left, and my
 mother died, and my stepfather went to jail, so I barely had enough pieces of parents to
 make one whole one. And here's this little baby who has like three whole parents who care
 about it so much that they're fighting over who gets to love it the most. And it's not
 even born yet. It's just, it's just the luckiest baby in the whole world. (pause) I'm
 sorry, you were fighting.
 [Scene: Carol's Room, she is ready to give birth. Everyone is there except for Phoebe,
 Ross, and Susan, who are in the broom closet.]
 Carol: Where are they?
 Monica: I'm sure they'll be here soon.
 Rachel: Yeah, honey, they wouldn't miss this.
 Joey: Relax. You're only at nine centimeters. And the baby's at zero station.
 Chandler: (to Joey) You are really frightening me.
 (Carol suddenly screams in pain and grabs Chandler by the shirt.)
 Chandler: Somebody wanna help me, tryin' to rip out my heart. (they pull her
 hand off of him) Uh, that's great. (looking around) Anybody seen a nipple?
 Dr. Franzblau: All right, ten centimeters, here we go.
 Nurse: All right, honey, time to start pushing.
 Carol: But they're not here yet!
 Dr. Franzblau: I'm sorry, I can't tell the baby to wait for them.
 Carol: Oh, god.
 [Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross has used a broom to open the air vent in the ceiling.
 Phoebe is wearing a janitor's uniform, ready to go up in the vent.]
 Ross: Ok, got the vent open.
 Phoebe: (reading the nametag on the uniform) Hi, I'm Ben. I'm hospital worker
 Ben. It's Ben... to the rescue!
 Ross: Ben, you ready? All right, gimme your foot. Ok, on three, Ben. One, two,
 three. Ok, That's it, Ben.
 (Ross and Susan lift Phoebe up into the vent.)
 Susan: What do you see?
 Phoebe: Well, Susan, I see what appears to be a dark vent. Wait. Yes, it is in
 fact a dark vent.
 (A janitor opens the closet door from the outside.)
 Ross: Phoebs, It's open! It's open!
 (Ross and Susan run to the delivery room, leaving Phoebe dangling from the vent.)
 Janitor: (to Ross and Susan) Wait! You forgot your legs!
 [Scene: Carol's Room, Ross and Susan rush in.]
 All: Push, push!
 Ross: We're here!
 Carol: (irked) Where have you been?
 Ross: Long story, honey.
 Dr. Franzblau: All right, Carol, I need you to keep pushing. I
 need (reaches for an instrument, Rachel's hand is on it) Excuse me, could I have
 this?
 Nurse: All right, all right, there's a few too many people in this room, and
 there's about to be one more, so anybody who's not an ex-husband or a lesbian life
 partner, out you go!
 All: Good luck!
 (Everyone heads for the door.)
 Chandler: (to nurse) Let me ask you, do you have to be Carol's lesbian life
 partner?
 Nurse: Out!
 Dr. Franzblau: All right, he's crowning. Here he comes.
 Ross: Let me see, I gotta see, I gotta see. Oh, a head. Oh, it's, it's huge.
 Carol, how are you doing this?
 Carol: (straining) Not.... helping!
 Dr. Franzblau: You're doing great, you're doing fine.
 Ross: (puts his head near the baby) Hello! (to Dr. Franzblau) Oh, sorry.
 Susan: What do you see? What do you see?
 Ross: We got a head, we got shoulders, we got arms, we got, oh, look at the
 little fingers, oh, and a chest, and a stomach. It's a boy, definitely a boy! All right!
 Ok, legs, knees, and feet. Oh, oh. He's here. He's a person.
 Susan: Oh, look at that.
 Carol: What does he look like?
 Ross: Kinda like my uncle Ed, covered in Jell-o.
 Carol: Really?
 Phoebe: (from the air vent overhead) You guys, he's beautiful!
 Ross: Oh, thanks, Pheebs!
 (They look up towards the vent and wave at Phoebe.)
 [Scene: The Delivery Room, Carol is holding the infant.]
 Susan: No shouting, but we still need a name for this little guy.


 The One Where Rachel Finds Out
 The One Where Rachel Finds Out
 Written by: Chris Brown
 Transcribed by: Dan Silverstein
 [Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there, Ross is showing pictures of his new baby
 boy, Ben, to the group.]
 Ross: And here's little Ben nodding off...
 Monica: Awww, look at Aunt Monica's little boy!
 Phoebe: Oh, look, he's got Ross's haircut!
 Rachel: Oh, let me see! (grabs picture) Oh, God, is he just the sweetest thing?
 You must just want to kiss him all over!
 (Ross is practically drooling over Rachel at this point.)
 Ross: (quietly) That would be nice.
 (Chandler, annoyed with Ross's fawning, makes a 'pfft' noise.)
 Rachel: Pardon?
 Chandler: Nothing, just a little extra air in my mouth. Pffft. Pffffffft. (walks
 over to where Joey is seated)
 (Joey is looking at his check.)
 Joey: Hey, Chan, can you help me out here? I promise I'll pay you back.
 Chandler: Oh, yeah, right, OK... inlcuding the waffles last week, you now owe
 me... 17 jillion dollars.
 Joey: I will, really. I'll pay you back this time.
 Chandler: (sigh)... And where's this money coming from? (gives money to Joey)
 Joey: Well... I'm helping out down at the N.Y.U. Med School with some...
 research.
 Ross: (overhearing) What kind of research?
 Joey: Oh, just, y'know.... science.
 Ross: Science. Yeah, I think I've heard of that. (everyone's interest is piqued,
 they all look over)
 Joey: (sigh)... It's a fertility study.
 (Rachel laughs.)
 Monica: Oh, Joey, please tell me you're only donating your time.
 Joey: Alright, come on you guys, it's not that big a deal. Really... I mean, I
 just go down there every other day and... make my contribution to the project. Hey, hey,
 but at the end of two weeks, I get seven hundred dollars.
 Ross: Hey.
 Phoebe: Wow, ooh, you're gonna be making money hand over fist!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe are preparing for a barbecue for
 Rachel's birthday.]
 Monica: OK, we got the cole slaw, we got the buns...
 Phoebe: We've got the ground-up flesh of formerly cute cows and turkeys, ew...
 (hands meat to Monica)
 (Chandler and Joey enter with charcoal.)
 Chandler: (in a deep voice) Men are here.
 Joey: We make fire. Cook meat.
 Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back.
 Monica and Phoebe: Ewww!
 Monica: Oh Joey, Melanie called, said she's gonna be late.
 Joey: Oh, OK.
 Phoebe: So how are things going with you two? Is she becoming your
 (provocatively) special someone?
 Joey: I don't know, she's, uh.... she's pretty great.
 Monica: Yeah? What does she think of your little science project?
 Joey: What, you think I'm gonna tell a girl I like that I'm also seeing a cup?
 Monica: Man's got a point.
 Joey: Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex with me.
 Chandler: Crazy bitch.
 Joey: Yeah, well, I still got a week left to go in the program, and according to
 the rules, if I want to get the money I'm not allowed to conduct any... ersonal
 experiments, if you know what I mean.
 Monica: Joey... we always know what you mean.
 [Time lapse. Chandler and Joey are making the fire, Monica and Phoebe are inside. Ross
 enters, carrying luggage.]
 Phoebe: Hey.
 Monica: Hey.
 Ross: Hey. (Phoebe sees his bags)
 Phoebe: How long did you think this barbecue was gonna last?
 Ross: I'm going to China.
 Phoebe: Jeez, you say one thing, and...
 Monica: You're going to China?
 Ross: Yeah, i-it's for the museum. Someone found a bone, we want the bone, but
 they don't want us to have the bone, so I'm going over there to try to persuade them to
 give us the bo it's it's a whole big bone thing. Anyway, I'm gonna be gone for
 like, uh... like a week, so, uh, if you wanna reach me, y-you can't. So here's my
 itinerary (hands a sheet of paper to Monica). Um... here's a picture of me... (hands it to
 Monica)
 Phoebe: Oh, let me see! (takes the picture)
 Ross: (to Monica): Could you take it to Carol's every now and then, and show it
 to Ben, just so he doesn't forget me?
 Monica: Yeah.
 (Phoebe puts the picture of Ross up to her face.)
 Phoebe: Hi, Ben. I'm your father. I am... the head. Aaaaaahhhh.... (puts picture
 down, sees Ross staring at her) Alright, this barbecue is gonna be very fun.
 Ross: Hey, is Rachel here? Um, I wanted to wish her a happy birthday before I
 left.
 Monica: Oh no, she's out having drinks with Carl.
 Ross: Oh. (pause) Hey, who's Carl?
 Monica: You know, that guy she met at the coffeehouse.
 Ross: No.
 Phoebe: Oh, well, see, there's this guy she met at the...
 Ross: At the coffeehouse, right.
 Phoebe: So you do know who he is! (laughs, Ross stares at her) Sorry.


Ross: OK, I'm gonna go say goodbye to the guys.
 Phoebe: Oh, hey, y'know what? Tell them that bone story.
 (Ross goes outisde on the balcony.)
 Ross: Hi.
 Joey: Hey!
 Chandler: Hey!
 Ross: (sigh)....I have to go to China.
 Joey: The country?
 Ross: No no, this big pile of dishes in my mom's breakfront. Do you guys know
 who Carl is?
 Chandler: Uh, let's see... Alvin... Simon... Theodore.... no.
 Ross: Well, Rachel's having drinks with him tonight.
 Joey: Oh no! How can she do that when she's never shown any interest in you?!?
 Chandler: Forget about her.
 Joey: He's right, man. Please. Move on. Go to China. Eat Chinese food.
 Chandler: Course there, they just call it food.
 Ross: Yeah... I guess. I don't I don't know. Alright, just... just give her
 this for me, OK? (gives Chandler a gift for Rachel)
 Joey: Listen, buddy, we're just looking out for you.
 Ross: I know.
 Joey: We want you to be happy. And I may only have a couple beers in me, but...
 I love you, man. (Joey gives Ross a hug)
 Chandler: I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice.
 [Time lapse. Melanie, Joey's girlfriend, is there with Joey, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe,
 and Rachel. Ross is gone.]
 Melanie: Anyway, that's when me and my friends started this whole fruit basket
 business. We call ourselves 'The Three Basketeers.'
 Joey: Like the three musketeers, only with fruit.
 Chandler: (sarcastic) Ooooh. (looks dumbfounded at Joey's stupidity)
 Monica: (gets up) OK, how does everybody like their burgers?
 Rachel: Oh, no, no, no. Presents first. Food later. (walks into living room)
 (Everyone follows Rachel to the living room. Monica pulls Joey aside.)
 Monica: Hey, hold on there, tiger. How's it going? How you holding up?
 Joey: Well, not so good. She definitely thinks tonight is the night we're
 gonna... complete the transaction, if you know what I...
 (Monica rolls her eyes.)
 Joey: Then you do. Heh, heh.
 Monica: So, uh, have you ever thought about being there for her?
 Joey: What do you mean?
 Monica: Y'know, just be there for her.
 (Long pause... Joey looks confused.)
 Joey: Not following you.
 Monica: Think about it.
 (They both walk over to where Rachel is opening her gifts. Rachel sees her first gift
 is a fruit basket.)
 Rachel: OK, I'm guessing this is from...
 (Melanie smiles.)
 Rachel: Well, thank you, Melanie.
 Chandler: (pointing out a gift) OK, this one right here is from me.
 Rachel: (picks it up) OK... ah, it's light... (shakes it)...it rattles...
 it's... (opens it) Travel Scrabble! Oooohhh, thank you! (she gives it back to him)
 (Chandler looks dejected. Rachel picks up another gift.)
 Rachel: This one's from Joey... feels like a book. Thinks it's a book... feels
 like a book. And...(opens it)...it's a book!
 Phoebe: Oh, it's Dr. Seuss!
 Joey: (to Rachel): That book got me through some tough times.
 Melanie: There is a little child inside this man!
 Chandler: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he'll die.
 (Rachel picks up the next gift.)
 Rachel: Who's this from?
 Chandler: Oh, that's Ross's.
 Rachel: Oh... (opens it)... (sees it is a pin) Oh my God. He remembered.
 Phoebe: Remembered what?
 Rachel: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw
 this pin in the window, and I told him it was just like one my grandmother had when I was
 a little girl. Oh! I can't believe he remembered!
 Chandler: Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane? (pats his Travel
 Scrabble game)
 Phoebe: Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune.
 Monica: I can't believe he did this.
 Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with
 Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
 (Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just spilled the beans about Ross's crush on
 Rachel. You can hear this entire classic scene by clicking here.)
 Rachel: What did you just say?
 Chandler: (panicked) ahem... um... Crystal duck.
 Rachel: No, no, no.... the, um, the... 'love' part?
 Chandler: (stuttering incoherently) F-hah.... flennin....
 Rachel: Oh.... my God.
 Chandler: (rubbing his temples) Oh, no-no-no-no-no....
 Joey: (pats Chandler on the leg) That's good, just keep rubbing your head.
 That'll turn back time.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]
 Rachel: I mean, this is unbelievable.
 Phoebe: I know. This is really, really huge.
 Chandler: No it's not. It's small. It's tiny. It's petite. It's wee.
 Phoebe: Nuh-uh. I don't think any of our lives are ever gonna be the same ever
 again.
 Chandler: OK, is there a mute button on this woman?
 Monica: I think this is so great! I mean, you and Ross! D-did you have any idea?
 Rachel: No! None! I mean, my first night in the city, he mentioned something
 about asking me out, but nothing ever happened, so I just... (to Joey): W-well, what else
 did he say? I mean, does he, like, want to go out with me?


Joey: Well, given that he's desperately in love with you, he probably wouldn't
 mind getting a cup of coffee or something.
 Rachel: Ross? All this time? Well, I've got to talk to him. (gets up to leave)
 Chandler: (quickly) H-He's in China!
 Joey: The country.
 Monica: No, no, wait. (checks Ross's itinerary) His flight doesn't leave for
 another forty-five more minutes.
 Chandler: What about the time difference?
 Monica: From here to the airport?
 Chandler: Yes! (Rachel walks towards door) You're never gonna make it!
 Monica: Rachel, what're you gonna say to him?
 Rachel: I-I-I don't know.
 Chandler: Well then maybe you shouldn't go.
 Joey: He's right, cause if you're just gonna, like, break his heart, that's the
 kind of thing that can wait.
 Monica: Yeah, but if it's good news, you should tell him now.
 Rachel: I don't know. Maybe I'll know when I see him.
 Phoebe: Here, look, alright, does this help?
 (Phoebe gets up, holds the picture of Ross up to her face.)
 Rachel: Noooo... look, all I know is that I cannot wait a week until I see him.
 I mean, this is just too big. Y'know, I just, I've just gotta talk to him. I... I gotta...
 OK, I'll see you later. (opens door)
 Chandler: Rachel, I love you! Deal with me first! (she leaves)
 [Scene: Airport, Ross has headphones on, and is listening to a 'How To Speak Chinese'
 tape. Occasionally, he makes an outburst in Chinese in accordance with the tape. He is
 getting on the jetway. The flight attendant is there.]
 Ross: (something in Chinese)
 Flight Attendant: Alright!
 Ross: Ni-chou chi-ma! (walks onto jetway)
 (Rachel runs into the airport, trying to catch Ross, moving people out of the way.)
 Rachel: Ross! Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me....
 (Rachel gets up to the jetway.)
 Flight Attendant: Hi!
 Rachel: Hi.
 Flight Attendant: May I see your boarding pass?
 Rachel: Oh, no, no, I don't have one. I just need to talk to my friend.
 Flight Attendant: Oh, oooh. I'm sorry. You are not allowed on the jetway unless
 you have a boarding pass.
 Rachel: No, I know, but I he just went on. He's right there, he's got the
 blue jacket on, I... can I j-just...
 Flight Attendant: No no no! Federal regulations!
 Rachel: OK, alright, OK, um... then could you please, uh... just give him a
 message for me? Please? This is very important.
 Flight Attendant: Alright. What's the message?
 Rachel: Uh... I don't know.
 [Cut to the Jetway, the flight attendant enters, walks past Ross, and approaches an
 older man with his wife who is also wearing a blue jacket.]
 Flight Attendant: Sir? Sir? Excuse me, sir? Uh... I have a message for you.
 Man: (confused) What?
 Flight Attendant: It's from Rachel. She said that she loved the present, and she
 will see you when you get back.
 Man: (to wife): Toby... Oh, for God's sake, I don't know what she's talking
 about! There's no Rachel! Don't give me that deep freeze.
 [Scene: Joey's Bedroom, he and Melanie are in bed together.]
 Melanie: Mmmmmm... Oh, Joey, Joey, Joey... I think I blacked out there for a
 minute!
 Joey: Heh, heh. It was nothin'.
 Melanie: Well, now we've gotta find something fun for you! (she starts kissing
 his chest)
 Joey: (panicked) Uhhh.. y'know what? Forget about me. Let's, uh... let's give
 you another turn.
 Melanie: (surprised) M-Me again?
 Joey: Sure! Why not?
 Melanie: Boy, somebody's gonna get a big fruit basket tomorrow.
 (Joey starts to kiss her.)
 Melanie: Oooh, I gotta tell you... you are nothing like I thought you would be.
 Joey: How do you mean?
 Melanie: I don't know, I-I guess I just had you pegged as one of those guys
 who're always 'me, me, me.' But you... you're a giver. You're like the most generous man I
 ever met. I mean... you're practically a woman.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are there. Monica is holding
 the wrapping paper from one of Rachel's gifts.]
 Monica: Uh, so, uh, Rach, uh... do you wanna save this wrapping paper, I mean,
 it's only a little bit torn... so are you gonna go for it with Ross or should I just throw
 it out?
 Rachel: I don't know. I don't know... I thought about it all the way there, and
 I thought about it all the way back... and, uh, oh, you guys, y'know, it's Ross.
 Y'know what I mean? I mean, it's Ross.
 Monica and Phoebe: Sure.
 Rachel: I don't know, I mean, this is just my initial gut feeling... but I'm
 thinking... oh, I'm thinking it'd be really great.
 Monica: Oh my God, me too! Oh! Oh, we'd be like friends-in-law! Y'know what the
 best part is? The best part is that you already know everything about him! I mean, it's
 like starting on the fifteenth date!
 Phoebe: Yeah, but, y'know, it's... it would be like starting on the fifteenth
 date.


Monica: Another good point.
 Phoebe: No, I mean, I mean, when you're at the fifteenth date, y'know, you're
 already in a very relationshippy place. Y'know, it's... you're committed.
 Rachel: (confused) Huh?
 Phoebe: Well, I mean, then what happens if it doesn't work out?
 Monica: Why isn't it working out?
 Rachel: I don't know... sometimes it doesn't.
 Monica: Is he not cute enough for you?
 Rachel: No!
 Monica: Does he not make enough money?
 Rachel: No, I'm just....
 Phoebe: Maybe there's someone else.
 Rachel: Wha...
 Monica: Is there? Is there someone else?
 Rachel: No! There is.. there is noone else!
 Monica: Then why the hell are you dumping my brother?!?
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is eating breakfast, Joey quietly opens his
 bedroom door.]
 Chandler: Hey, big...
 Joey: Shhhh!
 Chandler: (quietly) ...spender.
 Joey: She's still asleep.
 Chandler: So how'd it go?
 Joey: Oh, it was amazing. You know how you always think you're great in bed?
 Chandler: The fact that you'd even ask that question shows how little you know
 me.
 Joey: Well, it's like, last night, I couldn't do the thing that usually makes me
 great. So I had to do all this other stuff. And the response I got... man, oh man, it was
 like a ticker tape parade!
 Chandler: Yes, I know, as it happens my room is very very close to the parade
 route.
 Joey: It was amazing! And not just for her... uh-uh. For me, too. It's like, all
 of a sudden, I'm blind. But all my other senses are heightened, y'know? It's like... I was
 able to appreciate it on another level.
 Chandler: I didn't know you had another level.
 Joey: I know! Neither did I!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, one week later. Monica is seated, Rachel comes out of her
 bedroom.]
 Monica: Hey, great skirt! Birthday present?
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Monica: Oh, from who?
 Rachel: From you. I exchanged the blouse you got me.
 Monica: Well, it's the thought. Hey, doesn't Ross's flight get in in a couple
 hours? At gate 27-B?
 Rachel: Uh, yeah. Uh, Monica, y'know, honey, I've been thinking about it and
 I've decided this this whole Ross thing, it's just not a good idea.
 Monica: Oh, why?
 Rachel: Because, I feel like I wouldn't just be going out with him. I would be
 going out with all of you. Oh, and there would just be all this pressure, and I don't
 wanna...
 Monica: (gets up) No, no, no, no, no, no pressure, no pressure!
 Rachel: Monica, nothing has even happened yet, and you're already so...
 Monica: I am not 'so'! OK, I was a teensy bit weird at first, but... I'll be
 good. I promise.
 (Door buzzer goes off. Rachel answers it.)
 Rachel: Who is it?
 Intercom: It's me, Carl.
 Rachel: C'mon up.
 Monica: Behind my brother's back? (Rachel glares at her) ... is exactly the kind
 of crazy thing you won't be hearing from me.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is seated, and the apartment is filled with
 baskets of fruit. Joey enters, check in hand.]
 Joey: Seven hundred bucks!
 Chandler: Alright, you did it! Do we have any fruit?
 Joey: Man, hell of a two weeks, huh? Y'know what, though? I really feel like I
 learned something.
 Chandler: Really? So, you're gonna stick with this 'it's all for her' thing?
 Joey: What, are you crazy? When a blind man gets his sight back, does he walk
 around like this? (Joey closes his eyes and walks around with arms spread.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is having drinks with her date, Carl.]
 Carl: I'm just sayin', if I see one more picture of Ed Begley, Jr. in that stupid
 electric car, I'm gonna shoot myself! I mean, don't get me wrong... I'm not against
 environmental issues per se.... it's just that guy!
 (Rachel looks bored. At this point, Ross a figment of Rachel's imagination
 shows up on the balcony and starts talking to her.)
 Ross: I can't believe you'd rather go out with him than me.
 Rachel: Would you excuse me, please? I'm trying to have a date here.
 Ross: Fine, just stop thinking about me.
 (She tries, and Ross disappears momentarily. He reappears, standing closer to her.)
 Ross: Can't do it, can you?
 Rachel: So I'm thinking about you. So what?
 Ross: I don't get it. What do you see in this guy, anyway?
 Rachel: Well... he happens to be a very nice... guy....
 Carl: I mean, come on, buddy, get a real car!
 Ross: Rachel, come on. Give us a chance.
 Rachel: Ross, it's too hard.
 Ross: No, no, no... why, because it might get weird for everyone else? Who cares
 about them. This is about us. Look, I-I've been in love with you since, like, the ninth
 grade.
 Rachel: Ross, you're like my best friend.
 Ross: I know.
 Rachel: If we broke up, and I lost you...


 The One With Ross' New Girlfriend
 The One With Ross' New Girlfriend
 Written by: Jeff Astroff & Mike Sikowitz
 Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly
 Phillips
 With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is recapping last season, and as she talks we see a
 montague of scenes from Ross and Rachel.]
 Phoebe: Ok, so this is pretty much what's happened so far. Ross was in love with
 Rachel since, you know, forever, but every time he tried to tell her, something kind of
 got in the way, like cats, and Italian guys. Finally Chandler was like 'forget about
 her' but when Ross was in China on his dig, Chandler let it slip that Ross was in
 love with Rachel. She was like, 'Oh my god.' So she went to the airport to meet
 him when he came back, but what she didn't know was, that Ross was getting off the plane
 with another woman. Uh-Oh! So, that's pretty much everything you need to know. But, enough
 about us. So, how've you been?
 Opening Credits
 [Scene, The Airport, continued from last season, Rachel is waiting for
 Ross to come of the plane, when she sees he's coming off with another woman.]
 Rachel: Oh my god. Oh my god. (She decides to make a break for it.) Excuse me.
 Move! Move! Emergency! Excuse me! (She tries climbing over a bench and falls down.)
 Ross: (seeing her) Rach!
 Rachel: Oh, there you are! Hi! Oh, so, so, how was China, you? (Hits him with
 the flowers.)
 Ross: It was, it was great. Oh, what happened?
 Rachel: What?
 Ross: You're bleeding.
 Rachel: I am? Oh, look at that, yes I am. Enough about me, enough about me, Mr.
 Back from the Orient. Come on. I wanna hear everything! Everything. (Looks at Julie)
 Ross: Well, where do I start? This is Julie. Julie, this is Rachel.
 Rachel: These are, these aren't for you. (to Julie) These are for you. (Loudly,
 thinking she can't speak English.) Welcome to our country.
 Julie: (Loudly, proving she can speak English.) Thank you. I'm from New York.
 Rachel: Ok, well, not a problem. We'll just use them to stop the bleeding. Ok.
 Baggage claim? Ok.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is waiting for Rachel to return from the airport
 with Ross.]
 Chandler: No way!
 Monica: I'm telling you, she went to the airport, and she's gonna go for it with
 Ross!
 Phoebe: Oh my god. This is huge. This is bigger than huge. This is like, all
 right, what's bigger than huge?
 Joey: Um, this?
 Phoebe: Yes.
 Monica: Guys, you got your hair cut.
 Chandler: Yes, yes, we did, thanks to Vidal Buffay.
 Phoebe: 'Cause, you know, (in that voice) if you don't look good, we don't look
 good. I love that voice.
 Rachel: (entering, out of breath) Airport, airport. Ross, not alone, Julie, arm
 around her. Cramp, cramp.
 Chandler: Ok, I think she's trying to tell us something. Quick, get the verbs.
 (She hits Chandler.)
 Rachel: (to Chandler) You, you, you said he liked me. (Ross and Julie enter)
 You, you slowpokes!
 Ross: That's all right, Rach, we got the bags. Hi, hello. Julie, this is my
 sister Monica. This is Chandler. Phoebe. Joey, what up?
 Joey: What up?!
 Ross: Everyone, this is Julie.
 Rachel: (out of breath) Julie.
 All: Ohh. (Happily) Hi!
 Julie: Hi, but I'm not here, you haven't met me. I'll make a much better first
 impression tomorrow when I don't have 20 hours of cab and plane on me.
 Ross: And bus.
 Julie: Oh my god.
 Ross: The screaming guy?
 Julie: And the spitting?
 Ross: You gotta hear this story.
 Julie: We're on this bus, that's easily 200 years old...
 Ross: 200 at least.
 Julie: ...and this guy...
 Rachel: And the chicken pooped in her lap. Oh, I'm so sorry. I just gave away
 the ending, didn't I? Oh! It's just, I just heard this story in the cab, and it is all I
 can think about.
 Monica: This is amazing. I mean, how, how did this happen?
 Julie: Well, Ross and I were in grad school together.
 Ross: But we haven't seen each other since then. Well I land in China, guess
 who's in charge of the dig.
 Rachel: Julie! Julie, isn't that great? I mean, isn't that just
 kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?
 Monica: (to Julie) It's an expression.
 Ross: Well, we just wanted to say a quick hi, and then we're gonna go see the
 baby.
 Julie: And then we've gotta get some sleep.
 Ross: Yeah, it's really 6:00 tomorrow night our time.
 Chandler: Well, listen, don't tell us what's gonna happen though, 'cause I like
 to be surprised.
 (Ross and Julie exit)
 Rachel: Bye. (She closes the door and everyone tries to sympathize with her.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler enter.]
 Ross: Hey, Rach, can I get some coffee?


Rachel: Yeah, sure.
 Ross: Thank you.
 Chandler: Hey, Rach, can I get...
 Rachel: Did you talk to him?
 Chandler: Not yet.
 Rachel: Then, no.
 (He goes to sit down next to Ross.)
 Chandler: So what the hell happened to you in China? I mean, when last we left
 you, you were totally in love with, you know.
 Ross: I know, I know I was, but there was always this little voice inside that
 kept saying it's never gonna happen, move on. You know whose voice that was?
 Chandler: God?
 Ross: It was you, pal.
 Chandler: Well, maybe it was God, doing me.
 Ross: Look, you were right. She looks at me and sees a friend, that's all. But
 then I met Julie, and I don't know, we're havin' a great time. And I have to say, I never
 would've gone for it with her if it hadn't been for you.
 Chandler: Well, you owe me one, big guy.
 Rachel: (To Ross) Here's your lemonade.
 Ross: I didn't order lemonade.
 Rachel: Oh. Well then, you better go take that back because they're gonna charge
 you for that.
 Ross: But...
 Rachel: Go-go-go-go, come on! (Ross goes over to the counte) (to Chandler) So
 uh, what did you find out?
 Chandler: He said...he said, he said that they're having a great time. I'm
 sorry. But, the silver lining, if you wanna see it, is that he made the decision all by
 himself! Without any outside help whatsoever.
 Rachel: How is that the silver lining?
 Chandler: You have to really wanna see it.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and the gang is watching Sumo wrestling on TV.]
 Ross: Ironically, these are the guys who were picked last in gym.
 [Cut to Phoebe and Monica in the kitchen.]
 Monica: Pheebes, you know what I'm thinking?
 Phoebe: Oh, ok. How, it's been so long since you've had sex, you're wondering if
 they've changed it?
 Monica: No, although now that's what I'm thinking.
 Phoebe: All right, so what were you thinking?
 Monica: Well, I was thinking, that you gave the guys such great haircuts, I
 thought, maybe you'd like to do mine?
 Phoebe: Ohh! No.
 Monica: Why not?
 Phoebe: Because, I'm just, I'm incredibly anal and an unbelievable control
 freak.
 Monica: No you're not.
 Phoebe: I know I'm not, but you are, and I was trying to spare your feelings.
 (The phone rings.)
 Joey: (answering the phone) Hello? Oh, hi. Yeah, hold on a second. Ross, it's
 Julie, for you. (Throws him the phone.)
 Ross: (on phone) Hello? Hi.
 Chandler: (entering) Hi. Anybody know a good tailor?
 Joey: Needs some clothes altered?
 Chandler: No, no, I'm just looking for a man to draw on me with chalk.
 Joey: Why don't you go see Frankie? My family's been goin' to him forever. He
 did my first suit when I was 15. No wait, 16. No, 'scuse me, 15. (still confused) All
 right, when was 1990?
 Chandler: Okay. You have to stop the Q-tip when there's resistance!
 Ross: (on phone) Ok, ok, sweetheart, I'll see you later. Ok, bye. What? (Sits
 down next to Rachel) Oh, that is so sweet. No, no, ok, you hang up. Ok, ok, one, two,
 three. (Doesn't hang up and motions for Rachel to be quiet) Well you didn't hang up
 either.
 Rachel: She didn't hang up either!
 Ross: Ok, no, no, you hang up. You, you, y...
 Rachel: (taking the phone and hanging it up) Sorry, I thought you were talking
 to me.
 Ross: Rachel! I'll just call her back.
 Rachel: Okay!
 Ross: (calls Julie back) Hi? Sorry, we got disconnected... (Walks away.)
 Rachel: (to Monica) Ok, ok, ok. How did this happen to me? How did this happen
 to me? A week ago, two weeks ago, I was fine. Ross was just Ross, just this guy. Now he's
 Rrrooossss, oh, this really great guy that I can't have.
 Monica: Sweetie, I wanted you to have him too.
 Rachel: I know you did. I'm just gonna deal with it, I'm just gonna deal with
 it. (Ross comes by, smoching with Julie on the phone.) I gotta get out of here. (Exits)
 Chandler: Ok, I don't care what you guys say, something's bothering her.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning.]
 Joey: (to Chandler) You know, I think I was sixteen.
 Monica: (to Phoebe) Please, just a little bit off the back.
 Phoebe: I'm still on 'no.'
 Rachel: (poking her head in from her bedroom) Uh, morning. Do you guys think you
 could close your eyes for just a sec?
 Joey: No-no-no-no-no, (grabs his pants) I'm not fallin' for that again.
 Phoebe: What's goin' on?
 Rachel: Well, I sorta did a stupid thing last night.
 Chandler: What stupid thing did you do?
 Paulo: (entering from Rachel's room) Bon giorno tutti!
 Phoebe: Ewww! (Gets up and walks away.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]


Rachel: Ok, Paulo, why don't you just go get dressed, and then you be on your
 way, ok, bye-bye. (Paulo goes into his room.)
 Monica: Rachel, how did this happen?
 Rachel: I don't know, I just kinda ran into him last night.
 Phoebe: Where?
 Rachel: At his apartment. Is this juice?
 Joey: Whoa, whoa. And the fact that you dumped him because he hit on Phoebe?
 Rachel: Oh God, I know I'm a pathetic loser.
 Monica: Honey, you're not pathetic, you're sad.
 Chandler: People do stupid things when they're upset.
 Monica: My god, if I had a nickel for every guy I wish I hadn't...(Everyone
 looks at her), but this is about your horrible mistake.
 (Ross and Julie enter.)
 All: Hi!
 Ross: Hi. Sorry we're late but we were well, there was touching.
 Paulo: (entering) Hey, hey Ross.
 Ross: Hey, Paulo. What are you doing here?
 Paulo: I do Raquel.
 Ross: (to Rachel) So, uh, he's back.
 Rachel: Yeah, he's back. Is that a problem?
 Ross: No, not a problem.
 Rachel: Good! I'm glad it's not a problem.
 Phoebe: (to Paulo) Ok, you're gonna have to not touch my ass.
 Chandler: Well, in spite of the yummy bagels and palpable tension, I've got
 pants that need to be altered.
 Joey: Hey, Chandler, when you see Frankie, tell him Joey Tribbiani says hello.
 He'll know what it means.
 Chandler: Are you sure he's gonna be able to crack that code?
 Monica: (to Phoebe) You know it's funny, the last time Paulo was here, my hair
 was so much shorter and cuter.
 Phoebe: All right. Ok, but, but! You have to promise that you will not be
 all like control-y and bossy and Monica about it.
 Monica: I promise.
 Phoebe: All right. (Talking to Monica's hair.) Now some of you are gonna get
 cut, and some of you aren't. But I promise none of you are gonna feel a thing.
 [Scene: Monica's bedroom, Phoebe is finishing with her haircut and Monica is whincing.]
 Phoebe: All right, that's it, I quit.
 Monica: What? I didn't say anything.
 Phoebe: Yeah, but this (makes Monica's face) isn't the face of a person who
 trusts a person. Ok, this (makes Monica's face) is the face of a person who, you know,
 doesn't trust a person.
 Monica: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Phoebe. It's just a little shorter than what we
 had discussed.
 Phoebe: Would you relax? I know what I am doing. This is how he wears it.
 Monica: How who wears it?
 Phoebe: Demi Moore.
 Monica: Demi Moore is not a he.
 Phoebe: Well, he was a he in Arthur, and in Ten.
 Monica: That's Dudley Moore. I said I wanted it like Demi Moore.
 Phoebe: Oh. Oh!
 Monica: Oh my God!
 Phoebe: Oh my God!
 Monica: Oh my God!
 Phoebe: Oh my God! I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Which one's Demi Moore?
 Monica: She's the actress that was in Disclosure, Indecent
 Proposal, Ghost!
 Phoebe: Oh, she's got gorgeous hair.
 Monica: I know!
 [Scene: Frank's tailor shop, Chandler is getting his pants measured.]
 Frankie: How long do you want the cuffs?
 Chandler: At least as long as I have the pants.
 (Pause as Frankie resumes his work.)
 Frankie: I just got that. Ok, now we'll do your inseam.
 (He slowly measures it up his leg, and Chandler makes a rather surprised face.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is recovering from her haircut, Phoebe is playing
 her doctor and is coming in from the bedroom.]
 Rachel: How is she?
 Phoebe: It's too soon to tell. She's resting, which is a good sign.
 Ross: How's the hair?
 Phoebe: I'm not gonna lie to you, Ross, it doesn't look good. I put a clip on
 one side, which seems to have stopped the curling.
 Joey: Can we see her?
 Phoebe: Your hair looks too good, I think it would upset her. Ross, why don't
 you come on in.
 Ross: Yeah. (Gets up, but then pauses when he realizes what that
 meant.)
 (They go into the bedroom leaving Joey and Rachel alone.)
 Joey: How're you doing?
 Rachel: I'm okay.
 Joey: Ooh, that bad, huh?
 Rachel: What?
 Joey: Look, I can sense when women are depressed and vulnerable. It's
 one of my gifts.
 Rachel: When I saw him get off that plane with her, I really thought I hit rock
 bottom. But today, it's like there's rock bottom, 50 feet of crap, then me.
 Joey: You gotta tell Ross how you feel.
 Rachel: Come on. How can I just tell him? What about Julie?
 Joey: What about her? They've only been going out for two weeks. Ross has been
 in love with you for like 10 years.
 Rachel: I don't know, I don't know.
 Joey: Look, Rach, Rach! I've been with my share of women. In fact, I've been
 with like a lot of people's share of women. The point is, I've never felt about anyone the
 way Ross felt about you.


 The One With the Breast Milk
 The One With the Breast Milk
 Written by: Adam Chase & Ira Ungerleider
 Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips
 With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are showing off Ben to the gang.]
 Monica: (entering from her bedroom carrying a present) Ok, these were
 unbelievably expensive, and I know he's gonna grow out of them in like, 20 minutes, but I
 couldn't resist. (There a little pair of Nike shoes.)
 Phoebe: Oh, look at these! Hey, Ben. Just do it. (Ben starts to cry) Oh my God,
 oh, ok, was that too much pressure for him?
 Susan: Oh, is he hungry already?
 Carol: I guess so. (Carol starts to breast feed Ben.)
 Chandler: You know, it's... (sees the feeding taking place next to him)
 something funny about sneakers. I'll be right back. (Goes into the kitchen)
 Joey: (joins him) I gotta get one, too.
 Ross: (following them into the kitchen) What are you guys doing?
 Chandler: We're just hanging out by the spoons. Ladle?
 Ross: Look, would you guys grow up? That is the most natural beautiful thing in
 the world.
 Joey: Yeah, we know, but there's a baby suckin' on it.
 Ross: This is my son having lunch, ok? It's gonna happen a lot, so you'd better
 get used to it. Now if you have any problem with it, if you're uncomfortable, just ask
 questions. Carol's fine with it, now come on.
 (They go back into the living room)
 Ross: Carol?
 Chandler: Carol? I was just wondering if Joey could ask you a question about
 breast-feeding?
 Carol: Sure.
 Joey: Uh, does it hurt?
 Carol: It did at first, but not anymore.
 Joey: Chandler?
 Chandler: So, uh, how often can you do it?
 Carol: As much as he needs.
 Joey: Ok, I got one, I got one. Uh, if he blows into one, does the other one get
 bigger?
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, the gang is all there.]
 Julie: Rachel, do you have any muffins left?
 Rachel: Yeah, I forget which ones.
 Julie: Oh, you're busy, that's ok, I'll get it. Anybody else want one?
 All: No thanks.
 Julie: (To Rachel) Oh, you're losin' your apron here, let me get it. There you
 go. (Ties it back up for her)
 Rachel: (to Julie) Thank you. (under her breath to Chandler) What a bitch.
 Julie: Oh, listen you guys. I have this friend at Bloomingdale's who's
 quitting tomorrow and he wants to abuse his discount. So, anyone want to come with me and
 take advantage of it?
 Phoebe: I can't, I have to take my grandmother to the vet.
 Monica: Ok, um, I'll go with you.
 Julie: Great.
 Ross: (enters) Hi, honey.
 Chandler: Hey, sweetums.
 Ross: Hello to the rest.
 All: Hi!
 Joey: Monica what're you doin'? You can't go shopping with her? What about
 Rachel?
 Monica: It's gonna be a problem, isn't it?
 Chandler: Come on, you're going to Bloomingdale's with Julie? That's
 like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship.
 Monica: But I'm...
 Phoebe: Monica, she will kill you. She will kill you like a dog in the street.
 Ross: (to Monica) So, uh, Jules tells me you guys are going shopping tomorrow?
 Monica: Yeah, uh, it's actually not that big a deal.
 Ross: It's a big deal to me. This is great, Monica. I really appreciate this.
 Monica: You're welcome.
 Phoebe: Woof, woof.
 [Scene: A Department Store, Joey is selling men's cologne.]
 Joey: (A guy walks by) Bijan for men? (Another guy walks by) Bijan for men?
 (Another guy walks by) Bijan for men? (An attractive woman walks by.) Hey
 Annabelle.
 Annabelle: Hey, Joey. So did you hear about the new guy?
 Joey: Who?
 Annabelle: Nobody knows his name. Me and the girls just call him the Hombre man.
 (The Hombre man enters.)
 Hombre Man: (to a customer) Hombre? (The guy says yes, and gets his
 sample.)
 Joey: What's he doin' in my section?
 Annabelle: I guess he doesn't know.
 Joey: Well, he's gonna. I'll see you a little later, ok? (To the Hombre Man)
 Hey, how ya doin'?
 Hombre Man: Mornin'.
 Joey: Listen, I know you're new, but it's kinda understood that everything from
 Young Men's to the escalator is my territory.
 Hombre Man: Your territory, huh?
 Joey: Yeah. Bijan for men?
 Guy: No thanks.
 Hombre Man: Hombre?
 Guy: Yeah. All right. (They guy gets his sample and leaves.)
 Hombre Man: (To Joey) You were saying?
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Monica enters.]
 Monica: Phoebe, listen. You were with me, and we were shopping all day.
 Phoebe: What?
 Monica: We were shopping, and we had lunch.
 Phoebe: Oh, all right. What did I have?
 Monica: You had a salad.
 Phoebe: Oh, no wonder I don't feel full.
 Rachel: (entering) Hey, guys, what's up.


Phoebe: I went shopping with Monica all day, and I had a salad.
 Rachel: Good, Pheebs. What'd you buy?
 Phoebe: Um, we went shopping for um, for, fur.
 Rachel: You went shopping for fur?
 Phoebe: Yes, and then I realized I'm against that, and uh, so then we bought
 some, (sees Monica pointing at her chest) uh, boobs.
 Rachel: You bought boobs?
 Phoebe: (Monica is yanking on her bra strap) Bras! We bought bras! We bought
 bras.
 [Scene: The Department Store, Joey is trying to sell some cologne.]
 Joey: (to a guy) Bijan for men? (to a guy) Bijan for men? (To a woman) Bijan
 for... (Sees it's a woman and stops.) (To Annabelle who walks up.) Hey, Annabelle, Uh,
 listen, I was wondering if maybe after work you and I could go maybe grab a cup of coffee.
 Annabelle: Oh, actually I sorta have plans.
 Hombre Man: (entering) Ready, Annabelle?
 Annabelle: You bet. (to Joey) Maybe some other time?
 Joey: (To a co-worker) Hey, it's not the first time I lost a girl to a cowboy
 spraying cologne. (A customer walks by.) Bijan for men? (The customer ignores him, and
 Joey starts to chase him) Bijan for men?!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol is dropping Ben off for Ross to watch.]
 Carol: Ok, and this is Funny Clown. Funny Clown is only for after his naps, not
 before his naps or he won't sleep.
 Ross: Carol, we've been through this before, ok? We have a good time. We laugh,
 we play. It's like we're father and son.
 Susan: Honey, relax. Ross is great with him. (Ross looks at her.) Don't look so
 surprised. I'm a lovely person.
 Rachel: Oh, this is so cute.
 Susan: Oh, I got that for him.
 Ross: My mommies love me. That's clever.
 Monica: Hello? Oh, Hi, Ju (Sees Rachel is watching) Hi, Jew! (Walks
 into the kitchen.) (Listens.) Uh huh? (Listens.) Uh huh? (Listens) Ok. (Listens) Um, sure,
 that'd be great. See ya then. Bye. (Hangs up.)
 Rachel: Did you just say Hi, Jew?
 Monica: Yes. Uh, yes, I did. That was my friend, Eddie Moskowitz. Yeah, he likes
 it. Reaffirms his faith.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Rachel, and Joey are eating, and Phoebe is
 preparing Ben's milk.]
 Phoebe: Ben, dinner!
 Ross: Thanks Aunt Pheebs. Hey, you didn't microwave that, did you, because it's
 breast milk, and you're not supposed to do that.
 Phoebe: Duh, I think I know how to heat breast milk. Ok. (Squirts some on her
 wrist and tastes it.)
 Chandler: What did you just do?
 Phoebe: I licked my arm, what?
 Ross: It's breast milk.
 Phoebe: So?
 Rachel: Phoebe, that is juice, squeezed from a person.
 Joey: What is the big deal? (Tastes the breast milk.)
 Chandler: What did you just do?
 Ross: Ok, would people stop drinking the breast milk?
 Phoebe: You won't even taste it?
 Ross: No!
 Phoebe: Not even if you just pretend that it's milk?
 Ross: Not even if Carol's breast had a picture of a missing child on it.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time lapse. Rachel is entering the living room from
 her bedroom as Monica enters.]
 Monica: Hey, where is everybody?
 Rachel: They took Ben to the park. Where've you been?
 Monica: Just out. Had some lunch, just me, little quality time with me. Thanks
 for your jacket.
 Rachel: Oh, no problem. You can borrow it, by the way. (Puts her hand in the
 pocket) Here are your keys, hon. (She takes the keys out, sets them on the counter, and
 notices she also grabbed a receipt.)
 Monica: Okay.
 Rachel: Mon, if uh you were at lunch alone, how come it cost you uh 53
 dollars?
 Monica: You know what probably happened? Someone musta stolen my credit card.
 Rachel: And sorta just put the receipt back in your pocket?
 Monica: That is an excellent excellent question. That is excellent.
 Rachel: Monica, what is with you? Who'd you have lunch with?
 Monica: Judy.
 Rachel: Who?
 Monica: Julie.
 Rachel: What?!
 Monica: Jody!
 Rachel: You were with Julie?
 Monica: Look, when it started I was just trying to be nice to her because she
 was my brother's girlfriend. And then, one thing led to another and, before I knew it, we
 were...shopping.
 Rachel: Oh. Oh my God.
 Monica: Honey, wait. We only did it once. It didn't mean anything to me.
 Rachel: Yeah, right. Sure!
 Monica: Really, Rachel, I was thinking of you the whole time. Look, I'm sorry,
 all right. I never meant for you to find out!
 Rachel: Oh, please, you wanted to get caught. (Waves the receipt)
 Monica: That is not true!
 Rachel: Oh, so you just sort of happened to leave it in here?
 Monica: Did it ever occur to you that I might just be that stupid?
 Rachel: Ok, Monica. I just have to know one thing. Did you go with her to Bloomingdale's?
 (Monica looks away.) Oh! Ok, ok, ok, I just really, uh, I just really need to not be with
 you right now. (Exits.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ben is playing in his crib while Chandler and Ross are
 leaning against the rim and are completely asleep.]


Monica: (on the phone) Hi, who's this? (Listens) Hi, Joanne. Is Rachel working?
 It's Monica. (Listens) Yes, I know I did a horrible thing. (Listens) Joanne, it's not as
 simple as all that, ok? (Listens) No, I don't care what Steve thinks. (Listens) Hi, Steve.
 (There's a knock on the door which is answered by Phoebe.)
 Carol and Susan: Hey! (This wakes Chandler and Ross up)
 Carol: How did we do?
 Phoebe: Oh, I tasted Ben's milk, and Ross freaked out.
 Ross: I did not freak out.
 Carol: Why'd you freak out?
 Ross: Because it's breast milk. It's gross.
 Carol: My breast milk is gross?
 Susan: This should be fun.
 Ross: No, no, Carol. There's nothing wrong with it. I just, I just don't think
 breast milk is for adults.
 Chandler: Of course the packaging does appeal to grown-ups and kids alike.
 Carol: Ross, you're being silly. I've tried it, it's no big deal. Just taste it.
 (Holding out a bottle.)
 Ross: (jumping away) That would be no.
 Phoebe: Come on. It doesn't taste bad.
 Joey: Yeah, it's kinda sweet, sorta like, uh...
 Susan: Cantaloupe juice.
 Joey: Exactly.
 Ross: (staring at Susan) You've tasted it? You've tasted it.
 Susan: Uh huh.
 Ross: Oh, you've tasted it.
 Susan: You can keep saying it, but it won't stop being true.
 Ross: (he rolls up his sleeve) Gimme the bottle. (Joey hands him the bottle and
 Ross squirts some on his arm.) Gimme the towel. (Joey gives him the towel and he wipes it
 off.)
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is wiping down the peninsula counter as Joey
 enters dressed like a cowboy.]
 Chandler: Howdy.
 Joey: (sitting on the otherside of the counter from Chandler) Gimme a box a
 juice. Well, they switched me over to Hombre.
 Chandler: Well, maybe it's because of the way you're dressed.
 Joey: Or maybe it's because this guy's doing so good they wanna put more people
 on it. (Chandler pours some juice in a glass.) You should see this guy, Chandler, he goes
 through two bottles a day.
 Chandler: (slides the juice across the counter which Joey catches) What do you
 care? You're an actor. This is your day job. This isn't supposed to mean anything to you.
 Joey: I know, but, I was the best, you know? I liked being the best. (He downs
 the glass of juice in one swig.) I don't know. Maybe I should just get outta the game.
 They need guys up in housewares to serve cheese.
 Chandler: (pours more and slides the refill to Joey) All right, say you do that.
 You know sooner or later somebody's gonna come along that slices a better cheddar. And
 then where're you gonna run?
 Joey: Yeah I guess you're right.
 Chandler: You're damn right I'm right. I say you show this guy what you're made
 of. I say you stand your ground. I say you show him that you are the baddest hombre west
 of the lingerie.
 Joey: I'm gonna do it. (He downs the juice in one swig again.)
 Chandler: All right. Now go see Miss Kitty and she'll fix you up with a nice
 hooker.
 [Scene: Outside Central Perk, Rachel is cleaning up and Monica is pleading with her.]
 Monica: I don't know what else to say.
 Rachel: Well that works out good, because I'm not listening.
 Monica: I feel terrible, I really do.
 Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry, did my back hurt your knife?
 Monica: Rachel, (they go back inside) say that I'm friends with her, we spend
 some time together. Is that so terrible?
 Rachel: Yes.
 Monica: It's that terrible?
 Rachel: Yes. Monica, you don't get it. It's bad enough that she's stolen the guy
 who might actually be the person that I am supposed to be with, but now, she's actually
 (starting to cry), but now she's actually stealing you.
 Monica: Me? What are you talking about? Nobody could steal me from you. I mean,
 just because I'm friends with her doesn't make me any less friends with you. I mean,
 (starting to cry) you're my...We're, we're...Oh, I love you.
 Rachel: I love you too. (They hug.)
 Phoebe: You guys, um I know that this really doesn't have anything to do with
 me, but um I love you guys too. (Joins in on the hug.) Oh, I really needed that. (Goes and
 sits down.)
 Monica: Look, I know that you're in a place right now where you really need to
 hate Julie's guts, but she didn't do anything wrong. I mean, she was just a girl who met a
 guy, and now they go out. I really think that if you gave her a chance, you'd like her.
 Would you just give that a chance, for me?
 Rachel: (crying) I'd do anything for you, you know that.
 Monica: (crying) I'd do anything for you. (They hug again.)
 Phoebe: Wait, wait, wait, wait! (Runs over and joins in on the hug again.)
 [Scene: The Department Store, Joey and the Hombre man are facing off in Joey's
 section.]


 The One Where Mr. Heckles Dies
 The One Where Mr. Heckles Dies
 Written by: Michael Curtis & Greg Malins
 Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly
 Phillips
 With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Chandler is playing poker.]
 Chandler: (entering) Hey.
 All: Hey!
 Monica: So how was Joan?
 Chandler: I broke up with her.
 Ross: Don't tell me, because of the big nostril thing?
 Chandler: They were huge. When she sneezed, bats flew out of them.
 Rachel: Come on, they were not that huge.
 Chandler: I'm tellin' you, she leaned back; I could see her brain.
 Monica: How many perfectly fine women are you gonna reject over the most
 superficial insignificant things?
 Joey: Hold it, hold it. I gotta side with Chandler on this one. When I first
 moved to the city, I went out a couple of times with this girl, really hot, great kisser,
 but she had the biggest Adam's apple. It made me nuts.
 Chandler: (To Ross) You or me?
 Ross: I got it. Uh, Joey, women don't have Adam's apples.
 Joey: You guys are messing with me, right?
 All: Yeah.
 Joey: That was a good one. For a second there, I was like, 'whoa.'
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is getting Ross and Chandler a beer.]
 Phoebe: You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason.
 Chandler: Maureen Rosilla.
 Ross: ''Cause she doesn't hate Yanni,' is not a real reason.
 (There's a knock on the door.)
 Monica: (opening the door) Hello, Mr. Heckles.
 Mr. Heckles: You're doing it again.
 Monica: We're not doing anything.
 Mr. Heckles: You're stomping. It's disturbing my birds.
 Rachel: You don't have birds.
 Mr. Heckles: I could have birds.
 Monica: Okay, Mr. Heckles, we'll try to keep it down.
 Mr. Heckles: Thank you. I'm going to rejoin my dinner party.
 Rachel: All right, bye-bye.
 (Monica closes the door.)
 Chandler: Okay, Janice. Janice. You gotta give me Janice. That wasn't about
 being picky.
 Ross: We'll give you Janice.
 Phoebe: I miss Janice though. (Imitating Janice) 'Hello, Chandler
 Bing.'
 Rachel: (doing Janice) 'Oh, my, god.'
 Joey: (doing Janice) 'Oh, Chandler, now, now, that's it. There,
 faster!' (He turns around and everyone is staring at him.)
 (Mr. Heckles bangs on his ceiling.)
 Monica: Stop with the broom, we're not making noise.
 (She stomps in protest. Heckles bangs again, which is answered by Monica and Rachel.
 Heckles bangs yet again, which is answered by everyone. There is no response.)
 Rachel: We won. We won!
 [Cut to a man wrapped up on a sheet being wheeled out on a gurney with the gang and Mr.
 Treeger looking on.]
 Monica: Mr. Heckles.
 Rachel: How did this happen?
 Mr. Treeger: He musta been sweeping. They found a broom in his hand.
 Monica: That's terrible.
 Mr. Treeger: I know. I was sweeping yesterday. It coulda been me.
 Ross: Sure, you coulda. You never know.
 Mr. Treeger: You never know.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next day everyone is eating dinner.]
 Phoebe: Ok, it's very faint, but I can still sense him in the building.
 (Screaming) Go into the light, Mr. Heckles!
 Chandler: Ok, Phoebe.
 Phoebe: I'm sorry, but sometimes they need help. (Everyone groans) That's fine.
 Go ahead and scoff. You know there're a lot of things that I don't believe in, but that
 doesn't mean they're not true.
 Joey: Such as?
 Phoebe: Like crop circles, or the Bermuda triangle, or evolution?
 Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, you don't, uh, you don't believe in evolution?
 Phoebe: Nah. Not really.
 Ross: You don't believe in evolution?
 Phoebe: I don't know, it's just, you know...monkeys, Darwin, you know, it's a,
 it's a nice story, I just think it's a little too easy.
 Ross: Too easy? Too...The process of every living thing on this planet evolving
 over millions of years from single-celled organisms, is-is too easy?
 Phoebe: Yeah, I just don't buy it.
 Ross: Uh, excuse me. Evolution is not for you to buy, Phoebe. Evolution is
 scientific fact, like, like, like the air we breathe, like gravity.
 Phoebe: Ok, don't get me started on gravity.
 Ross: You uh, you don't believe in gravity?
 Phoebe: Well, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you
 know, it's just...I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled
 down as I am being pushed.
 (There's a knock on the door.)
 Chandler: Uh-Oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed.
 (Monica opens the door.)
 Mr. Treeger: There she is. And over there, that's the other one. This is Mr.
 Buddy Boyle, Mr. Heckles' attorney. He'd like to talk to you.
 Monica: What can we do for you?
 Mr. Boyle: All right, kids. Here's the deal. According to my client's will, he
 wants to leave all his earthly possessions to 'The noisy girls in the apartment above
 mine.'


Monica: Well, what about his family?
 Mr. Boyle: He didn't have any.
 Rachel: Ok, so let's talk money.
 Mr. Boyle: All right, there was none. Let's talk signing. (To Monica) You be
 noisy girl number one, (To Rachel) you be noisy girl number two.
 Monica: I can't believe that this whole time we thought he hated us. I mean,
 isn't it amazing how much you can touch someone's life, without even knowing it?
 [Scene: Mr. Heckles' apartment, the gang is looking over Monica and Rachel's
 inheritance.]
 Monica: Would you look at this dump? He hated us. This is his final revenge!
 Rachel: Have you ever seen so much crap?
 Chandler: Actually, I think this apartment sullies the good name of crap
 Joey: Check this out. Can I have this? (It's a giant magnifying glass on a
 stand.)
 [Cut to Phoebe and Ross.]
 Ross: How can you not believe in evolution?
 Phoebe: Just don't. Look at this funky shirt!
 Ross: Pheebs, I have studied evolution my entire adult life. Ok, I can tell you,
 we have collected fossils from all over the world that actually show the evolution of
 different species, ok? You can literally see them evolving through time.
 Phoebe: Really? You can actually see it?
 Ross: You bet. In the U.S., China, Africa, all over.
 Phoebe: See, I didn't know that.
 Ross: Well, there you go.
 Phoebe: Huh. So now, the real question is, who put those fossils there, and why?
 Chandler: (holding a book) Hey, look at this. 'My Big Book of
 Grievances.'
 Joey: Hey, there's me! April 17th. Excessive noise. Italian guy comes homes with
 a date. Hey Chandler, look, you're in here too.
 Chandler: April 18th, excessive noise. Italian guy's gay roommate comes home
 with the dry-cleaning. Well that's excellent.
 Rachel: Monica, Monica, look at this lamp. (She's holding a lamp made from
 seashells.) Is this tacky or what? We have to have this.
 Monica: Rache, I think we have enough regular lamps.
 Rachel: What? Come on, it's not like I'm asking for this girlie clock or
 anything, which, by the way, I also think is very cool. (It's a girl in a bikini and
 pasties standing behind an alarm clock.)
 Monica: It doesn't go with any of my stuff.
 Rachel: Well, what about my stuff?
 Monica: You don't have any stuff.
 Rachel: You still think of it as your apartment, don't you?
 Monica: No.
 Rachel: Yes you do. You think of it as your apartment, and I'm just somebody who
 rents a room.
 Monica: Mmmmm.
 Rachel: Ok, while you 'mmm' on it for awhile, I'm gonna go find a
 place for my new lamp.
 Ross: Ok, Pheebs. (He's holding two little toys.) See how I'm making these
 little toys move? Opposable thumbs. Without evolution, how do you explain opposable
 thumbs?
 Phoebe: Maybe the overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts.
 Ross: Please tell me you're joking.
 Phoebe: Look, can't we just say that you believe in something, and I don't.
 Ross: No, no, Pheebs, we can't, ok, because
 Phoebe: What is this obsessive need you have to make everyone agree with you?
 No, what's that all about? I think, I think maybe it's time you put Ross under the
 microscope.
 Ross: (To Chandler) Is there blood coming out of my ears?
 Joey: Check it out, check it out. Heckles' high school yearbook.
 Chandler: Wow, he looks so normal.
 Phoebe: He's even kind of cute.
 Joey: 'Heckles, you crack me up in science class. You're the funniest kid
 in school.'
 Chandler: Funniest? Heckles?
 Joey: That's what it says.
 Chandler: Wow, Heckles was voted class clown, and so was I. (There's a
 banging coming from upstairs.) He was right. Would you listen to that?
 Phoebe: I'd call that excessive.
 Chandler: Whoa!
 Joey: What?
 Chandler: Heckles played clarinet in band, and I played clarinet. And he was in
 the scale modeler's club, and I was, well, there was no club, but I sure thought they
 were cool.
 Joey: So, you were both dorks. Big deal.
 Chandler: I just think it's weird, you know? (The banging is back.) Heckles and
 me, Heckles, and me, me and Heckles  (He picks up the broom and bangs on the ceiling)
 Would you knock it off? (Everyone stares) (Realizes) Bah! (He throws the broom down.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Mr. Heckles' Apartment, Chandler is in one of Heckles' old robes and
 sitting on the couch.]
 Joey: (entering) Have you been here all night?
 Chandler: Look at this. Pictures of all the women that Heckles went out with.
 Look what he wrote on them. (As he mentions each name and description, he hands a picture
 to Joey.) Vivian, too tall. Madge, big gums. Too loud, too smart, makes noise when she
 eats. This is, this is me. This is what I do. I'm gonna end up alone, just like he did.
 Joey: Chandler, Heckles was a nut case.


Chandler: Our trains are on the same track, ok? Yeah, sure, I'm coming up 30
 years behind him, but the stops are all the same. Bitter Town. Aloneville. Hermit
 Junction.
 Joey: All right, you know what we gotta do? We gotta get you outta here. Come
 on, I'll buy you breakfast, let's go.
 Chandler: What if I never find someone? Or worse, what if I've found her, but I
 dumped her because she pronounced it  supposably?'
 Joey: Chandler, come on, you're gonna find somebody.
 Chandler: How do you know that? How?
 Joey: I don't know, I'm just tryin' to help you out.
 Chandler: You'll see, you guys are all gonna go off and get married, and I'm
 gonna end up alone. Will you promise me something? When you're married, will you invite me
 over for holidays?
 Joey: Well, I don't know. I don't know what we're gonna be doin'. I mean, what
 if we're at her folks' place?
 Chandler: Yeah, I understand.
 Joey: You can come over and watch the Super Bowl. Every year, all right?
 Chandler: You know what? I'm not gonna end up like this. I'll see you man.
 Joey: Supposably. Supposably. Did they go to the zoo? Supposably.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler enters, picks up the phone, and dials.]
 Chandler: (on phone) Hi, it's me.
 Janice: Oh, my, god.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is telling everyone about his phone call.]
 Phoebe: Janice? You called Janice?
 Chandler: Yes, Janice. Why is that so difficult for you to comprehend?
 Ross: You remember Janice, right?
 Chandler: Yes. She was smart, she was pretty, and she honestly cared about me.
 Janice is my last chance to have somebody.
 Janice: (entering and pregnant) Helloo!!
 Chandler: Oh my God!
 Joey: (To Chandler) Geez, look how fat she got.
 Janice: Hey, it's everybody.
 Chandler: Janice, you're
 Janice: Yes, I am.
 Chandler: Is it
 Janice: Is it yours? Ha! You wish, Chandler Bing. You are looking at a married
 lady now. (She shows everyone her ring.)
 Chandler: Congratulations.
 Janice: Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.
 Chandler: You couldn't have told me about this on the phone?
 Janice: And what? Missed the expression on your face? Janice likes to have her
 fun.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is reading and admiring her new lamp.]
 Monica: Hey, Rache. You know what we haven't played in a while?
 Rachel: What?
 Monica: Hide the Lamp.
 Rachel: Monica, let it go.
 Monica: Did you know I was allergic to shellfish?
 Rachel: Well, then, you'll just have to eat the other lamps.
 (Ross enters carrying a briefcase.)
 Phoebe: Uh-oh. It's Scary Scientist Man.
 Ross: Ok, Phoebe, this is it. In this briefcase I carry actual scientific facts.
 A briefcase of facts, if you will. Some of these fossils are over 200 million years old.
 Phoebe: Ok, look, before you even start, I'm not denying evolution, ok, I'm just
 saying that it's one of the possibilities.
 Ross: It's the only possibility, Phoebe.
 Phoebe: Ok, Ross, could you just open your mind like this much, ok? (Holding her
 thumb and forefinger close together) Wasn't there a time when the brightest minds in the
 world believed that the world was flat? And, up until like what, 50 years ago, you all
 thought the atom was the smallest thing, until you split it open, and this like, whole
 mess of crap came out. Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that
 you can't admit that there's a teeny tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this?
 (Monica and Rachel are intrigued.)
 Ross: There might be a teeny tiny possibility.
 Phoebe: I can't believe you caved.
 Ross: What?
 Phoebe: You just abandoned your whole belief system. I mean, before, I didn't
 agree with you, but at least I respected you. How, how, how are you going to go into work
 tomorrow? How, how are you going to face the other science guys? How, how are you going to
 face yourself? (Ross slowly closes the briefcase and walks out hugging it.) Oh! That was
 fun. So who's hungry?
 Rachel: I am. Let me just get my coat.
 (As Monica puts on her coat she knocks over and breaks the seashell lamp.)
 Rachel: (running into the living room) What happened?! What happened?!
 Monica: Ok, all right. It was an accident, I swear, all right. I was putting on
 my jacket, and the thing, and the lamp, and it broke.
 Rachel: Oh, please, Monica. You've always hated my lamp, and then, all of a
 sudden, it's just magically broken?
 Monica: Phoebe, tell her!
 Phoebe: Ok, I didn't see it, because I was putting on my jacket, but I uh want
 to believe you.
 (Chandler enters.)
 Rachel: Hey Chandler. Monica just broke my seashell lamp.
 Chandler: Neat. I'm gonna die alone.
 Rachel: Ok, you win.
 Monica: Chandler, you're not gonna die alone.
 Chandler: Janice was my safety net, ok? And now I have to get a snake.


 The One With Phoebe's Husband
 The One With Phoebe's Husband
 Written by: Alexa Junge
 Transcribed by: Josh Hodge
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is on the phone.]
 Rachel: Mom, would you relax. That was 10 blocks from here and, the, the woman
 was walking alone at night, I would never do that. Mom, c'mon, stop worrying. This is a
 safe street, this is a safe building, there's nothing (a pigeon flies in the window and
 lands on the table) Oh my Goood, oh my God, oh I gotta go, I gotta go, I
 gotta go. (hangs up) OK, that's fine, you just read the paper, I'm gonna get a pot, it's
 not for you. (grabs a pot and lid) OK, that's fine, read the Family Circus, enjoy
 the gentle comedy. (puts pot over the pigeon) Aaahh, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh
 my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, aaaaahh. (knock at the door) It's open
 you guys.
 (a stranger enters with flowers)
 Stranger: Hi.
 Rachel: Hi, hi can I help you?
 Stranger: Yeah, I'm looking for Phoebe, does she still live here?
 Rachel: Uh, no she doesn't but I can, I can get a message to her.
 Stranger: Great. Uhh, just tell her her husband stopped by. (leaves flowers on
 bar)
 Rachel: What? (in surprise she forgets she has the pigeon in the pot and lets it
 get away)
 Stranger: Hey, how, how did you do that?
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang is there.]
 Joey: This is unbelievable Phoebs, how can you be married?
 Phoebe: Well, I mean, I'm not married, married, ya know, he's
 just a friend and he's gay and he's just from Canada and he just needed a green card.
 Monica: I can't believe you married Duncan. I mean how could you not tell me? We
 lived together, we told each other everything.
 Phoebe: I'm sorry Monica but I knew if I told you, you'd get really, like,
 judgemental and you would not approve.
 Monica: Of course I wouldn't approve, I mean, you were totally in love with this
 guy who, hello, was gay. I mean, what the hell were you thinking?
 Ross: You see, and you thought she'd be judgemental.
 Phoebe: OK, I wasn't in love with him and I was just helping out a friend.
 Monica: Please, when he left town you stayed in your pajamas for a month and I
 saw you eat a cheeseburger.
 All: Huuh.
 Monica: Well, didn't you?
 Phoebe: I might have.
 Monica: I can't believe you didn't tell me.
 Phoebe: Oh, c'mon, like you tell me everything.
 Monica: What have I not told you?
 Phoebe: Oh, I don't know. Umm, how about the fact that the underwear out there
 on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby out on the
 terrace.
 Rachel: What!
 (Rachel, Joey, Ross, and Phoebe run over to the window to look.)
 Monica: Wait a minute, who told you? (turns to Chandler who's looking sheepish)
 You are dead meat.
 Chandler: I didn't know it was a big secret.
 Monica: Oh it's not big, not at all, you know, kinda the same lines as, say, oh
 I don't know, having a third nipple!
 (Everyone comes back from the window and surrounds Chandler with Ross hopping on the
 couch.)
 Phoebe: You have a third nipple?
 Chandler: (to Monica) You bitch.
 Ross: Whip it out, whip it out.
 Phoebe: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
 Chandler: (walks into the living room) C'mon, there's nothin' to see, it's just
 a tiny bump, it's totally useless.
 Rachel: Oh as, as opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?
 Joey: I can't believe you. You told me it was a nubbin.
 Ross: Joey, what did you think a nubbin was?
 Joey: I don't know, you see somethin', you hear a word, I thought that's what it
 was. Let me see it again.
 (They go over to Chandler.)
 All: Yeah, show it. Show it. The nubbin, the nubbin, the nubbin.
 Chandler: Joey was in a porno movie.
 All: Huuh.
 Chandler: If I'm goin' down, I'm takin' everybody with me.
 (They all run over to Joey.)
 Ross: You were in a porno?
 Joey: Ahh, alright, alright, alright, I was young and I just wanted a job, OK.
 But at the last minute I couldn't go through with it so they let me be the guy who comes
 in to fix the copier but can't 'cause there's people havin' sex on it.
 Monica: That is wild.
 Ross: (to Chandler) So what's it shaped like?
 Phoebe: Yeah, is there a hair on it?
 Joey: What happens if you flick it?
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Ross, and Julie are sitting on the couch.]
 Ross: So, uh, does it do anything, you know, special?
 Chandler: Why yes Ross, pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to
 the magical land of Narnia.
 Julie: You know, in some cultures having a third nipple is actually a sign of
 virility. You get the best huts and women dance naked around you.


Chandler: Huh? Are, uh, any of these cultures, per chance, in the tri-state
 area?
 Ross: You know, you are so amazing, is there anything you, you don't know?
 Rachel: (to Monica at the counter) Ooh, Julie's so smart, Julie's so special.
 Monica: Look honey, I wanted you to hook up with Ross as much as you did. But
 he's with her now and you're just gonna have to get over it.
 Rachel: Ohh, I'm gonna have to get over it. God, see I didn't know that's I had
 to do, I just have to get over it.
 (Phoebe enters all dressed up)
 All: Woah.
 Joey: Foxy lady.
 Julie: Where you goin'?
 Phoebe: Um, I'm gonna go meet Duncan, he's skating tonight at the Garden, he's
 in the Capades.
 Joey: The Ice Capades?
 Chandler: No, no the gravel capades. Yeah, the turns aren't as fast but when
 Snoopy falls. . . funny.
 Monica: I can't believe you're dressing up for him. I mean, you're just, you're
 setting yourself up all over again.
 Phoebe: OK, no. For your information I'm going to see him so I can put all those
 feeling behind me. OK, and the reason I'm dressed like this is because I think it's nice
 to look nice for your gay husband.
 Ross: (holding cream pitcher) Oh, darnit, we're all out of milk. (holds pitcher
 in front of Chandler's chest and flips the lid) Hey Chandler, would you fill me up here?
 Chandler: Oh I see, I see, because of the third nipple thing. Ha ha ha ha. . .
 [Scene: Central Perk, close to closing. Ross and Julie are still there. Rachel is
 cleaning tables.]
 Ross: OK sweetie, I'll see you later.
 Julie: See you later Rach.
 Rachel: Bye-bye Julie. (Julie leaves)
 (Rachel is still cleaning, Ross is laying on the couch. Ross kicks Rachel in the butt.)
 Rachel: Hey.
 Ross: Hey.
 (Ross kicks her again)
 Rachel: Hey, c'mon, cut it out.
 Ross: Hey?
 Rachel: What?
 Ross: Can I ask you somethin'?
 Rachel: Sure.
 Ross: Naa.
 Rachel: What? C'mon, talk to me.
 Ross: OK, what's the longest you've been in the relationship before ha, have,
 having the sex?
 Rachel: Why? Who's not having. . . Are you and Julie not, are, are you and, are
 you and Julie not having sex?
 Ross: Technically, huh, no.
 Rachel: Wow. Is it, is it 'cause she's so cold in bed. Or, or is it 'cause she's
 like, kinda bossy, makes it feel like school?
 Ross: No, no, she's great and it's not like we haven't done anything. I mean,
 uh, uh, we, we do plenty of other stuff, lot's of other stuff, like uhh. . .
 Rachel: No, no no no, don't need to know the details.
 Ross: It's just, it's, it's me. You, you know I've only been with one woman my
 whole life and she turned out to be a lesbian. So now I've got myself all psyched out, you
 know, and it's become, like this, this thing and I. . . Well, you just must think I'm
 weird.
 Rachel: No, no, no, no I don't think it's weird, I think, I think umm, in fact,
 in fact you know what I think?
 Ross: What?
 Rachel: I think it's sexy.
 Ross: Sexy?
 Rachel: Let me tell you something. As a woman there is nothing sexier than a man
 who does not want to have sex.
 Ross: No kidding?
 Rachel: Oh yeah. In fact you know what I'd do?
 Ross: What?
 Rachel: I'd wait.
 Ross: You'd wait?
 Rachel: Yes, absolutely. I would wait and wait. . . then I'd wait some more.
 Ross: Really?
 Rachel: Oh yeah, I don't care how much she tells you she wants it, I don't care
 if begs, she pleads, she tells you she, she's gonna have sex with, with another man. That
 just means it's working.
 Ross: Women really want this?
 Rachel: More than jewelry. (Rachel struts off, extremely pleased with herself)
 [Scene: Madison Square Garden, Duncan's dressing room.]
 Phoebe: Hi.
 Duncan: Phoebe!
 Phoebe: Ta-da.
 Duncan: Hey.
 Phoebe: Hi.
 Duncan: Ahh, look at you, you look great.
 Phoebe: Do I? Thank you, so do you.
 Duncan: Thanks.
 Phoebe: Sparkly. So, wow, this is pretty wonerful, huh. Mr. major capades guy.
 I, I remember when you were just, like, King Friday in Mr. Roger's Ice is Nice.
 Duncan: You always said I'd make it.
 Phoebe: Yeah, well, ya know, I'm kind of spooky that way. Wooo.
 Duncan: I missed you. (they hug) I'm gonna get changed.
 Phoebe: OK.
 Duncan: Um, now. Phoebs.
 Phoebe: Oh, right, OK. Ole.
 Duncan: What?
 Phoebe: Um, the matador. (Duncan leaves) Ole, ha ha ha.
 [Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross and Julie are setting the table.]
 Ross: Julie, can you hold this for a second, thanks. (hands her a bowl and
 kisses her)
 (Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Rachel enter. Ross and Julie don't notice.)


Chandler: Uh, Julie.
 Julie: Yeah?
 Chandler: Sorry, you had a paleontologist on your face. But, uh, it's gone now,
 you're alright.
 Ross: Hi everyone.
 All: Hi.
 Ross: (pulls Rachel aside) I just, I wanted to thank you for our uh, our little
 talk before.
 Rachel: Oh, God, no problem. So you're gonna go with the uh, waiting thing?
 Ross: Well, I was going to, but after I talked to you, I talked to Joey.
 Rachel: What did, what did he say?
 Ross: Basically he told me to get over myself and just do it, ya know. So I
 though about what you said and I though about what he said and, well, his way I get to
 have sex tonight so. . .
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, after dinner. Chandler enters.]
 Chandler: What's this in my pocket? Why it's Joey's porno movie.
 Ross: Pop it in.
 Joey: I'm fine with it, I mean, if you're OK watching a video filled with two
 nippled people. (Chandler puts the tape in)
 Rachel: Great, people having sex, that's just what I need to see.
 Ross: What's wrong with people having sex?
 Rachel: Well, well um, you know, these movies are offensive and uh, degrading to
 women and females. And uh, and the lighting's always unflattering. And, Monica help me out
 here.
 Monica: Hell, I wanna see Joey.
 (The video starts with the cheesy porn disco music)
 Julie: So is there like a story or do they just stard doing it right. . . oh,
 never mind.
 Chandler: OK, now wait a minute. That is the craziest typing test I've ever
 seen.
 Monica: All I say is, she better get the job.
 Ross: Looks to me like he's the one getting the job.
 Joey: Shh, OK, here I come, here I come. See I'm comin' to fix the copier, I
 can't get to the copier, I'm thinkin' what do I do, what do I do. . . so I just watch 'em
 have sex. And then I say, wait, here's my line, (Joey from TV) you know that's bad for
 the paper tray.
 Chandler: Nice work my friend.
 Joey: Thank you. Wait wait wait wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's
 butt's blockin' me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am. . .
 [Scene: Madison Square Garden, Duncan's dressing room. Phoebe is fixing her hair and
 Duncan enters.]
 Phoebe: So um, so what's up, you came to see me yesterday.
 Duncan: Oh, yeah, um, alright, I kinda need a divorce.
 Phoebe: Ohh. . .K. How come?
 Duncan: Umm, actually, I'm getting married again.
 Phoebe: What?
 Duncan: Oh God, I don't know how to tell you this. I'm straight.
 Phoebe: Huuh.
 Duncan: Yeah, I know, I.
 Phoebe: I, I don't, I don't understand, how can you be straight? I mean, you're,
 you're so smart and funny and you throw such great Academy Award parties.
 Duncan: I know, that's what I kept telling myself but you just reach a point
 where you can't live a lie anymore.
 Phoebe: So how long have you known?
 Duncan: Well I guess on some level I always knew I was straight. I though I was
 supposed to be something else, you know, I'm an ice dancer, all my friends are gay, I was
 just tryin' to fit in.
 Phoebe: And um, and there's actually a, a woman?
 Duncan: Her name's Debra.
 Phoebe: Oh. Well is she, is she the first that you've been with?
 Duncan: Well, I've never told you this but, there were one or two times, back in
 college, when I'd get really drunk, go to a straight bar and wake up with a woman next to
 me. But I, I, I told myself it was the liquor and e-everyone experiments in college.
 Phoebe: Sure.
 Duncan: But now I know I don't have a choice about this, I was born this way.
 Phoebe: I, I don't know what to say. I mean, you know, you're married to someone
 for six years and you think you know him and then one day says, 'Oh, I'm not gay.'
 Duncan: I'm, I'm still me.
 Phoebe: Why couldn't you have just figured this out six years ago?
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, everyone is sitting around. Monica enters from bathroom.]
 Monica: You know, it still smells like monkey in there.
 Julie: That saves us a conversation.
 Chandler: Well, listen, this has been great but I'm officially wiped.
 Joey: Me too, we should get goin'.
 Rachel: No, no, I mean, no, c'mon you guys, I mean, c'mon look it's only eleven
 thirty. Let's just talk, we never just hang out and talk anymore.
 Monica: Rachel, that's all we do.
 Rachel: Maybe that's all we do, what about Julie?
 Julie: What about Julie?
 Rachel: Well, you have been in our lives for nearly two months now and we don't
 really know you. I mean, who is Julie? I mean, what do you like, what don't you like? We
 wanna hear everything.
 Julie: Well, that could take a while.


 The One With Five Steaks and an Eggplant
 The One With Five Steaks and an Eggplant
 Written by: Chris Brown
 Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips
 With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Chandler are there. Ross is watching wrestling.]
 Ross: Man, I sure miss Julie.
 Chandler: Spanish midgets. Spanish midgets wrestling. Julie. Ok, yes, I see how
 you got there. (The phone rings and Chandler doesn't answer it.)
 Ross: You ever figure out what that thing's for?
 Chandler: No, see, I'm trying this new screening thing. You know, I figure if
 I'm always answering the phone, people'll think I don't have a life. My god, Rodrigo never
 gets pinned.
 Machine: (Joey's voice) Here comes the beep, you know what to do.
 Woman's Voice: Hello, I'm looking for Bob. This is Jane. I don't know
 if you're still at this number, but I was just thinking about us, and how great it was,
 and, well, I know it's been three years, but, I was kinda hoping we could hook up again. I
 barely had t he nerve to make this call, so you know what I did?
 Chandler: What?
 Jade: I got a little drunk...and naked.
 Chandler: (answering the phone, in a deep voice) Bob here.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, continued from earlier. Ross and Chandler are
 dancing.]
 Chandler: (on phone) What've you been up to?
 Jade: Oh, you know, the usual, teaching aerobics, partying way too much. Oh, and
 in case you were wondering, those are my legs on the new James Bond poster. (They stop
 dancing.)
 Chandler: Can you hold on a moment? I have another call. (To Ross) I love her.
 Ross: I know.
 Chandler: (on phone) I'm back.
 Jade: So, are we gonna get together or what?
 Chandler: Um, absolutely. Uh, how 'bout tomorrow afternoon? Do you know uh,
 Central Perk in the Village, say, five-ish?
 Jade: Great, I'll see you then.
 Chandler: Ok. (He hangs up.) Ok. Having a phone has finally paid off.
 Ross: Even though you do do a good Bob impression, I'm thinkin' when she sees
 you tomorow, she's probably gonna realize, 'Hey, you're not Bob.'
 Chandler: I'm hoping that when Bob doesn't show up, she will seek comfort in the
 open arms of the wry stranger at the next table.
 Ross: Oh my god. You are pure evil.
 Chandler: Ok, pure evil (holds up his left hand), horny and alone (holds up his
 right hand). I've done this (He shakes his right hand.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there and Ross is on the phone.]
 Ross: Yeah, yeah, everybody's here. Hey, everybody, say hi to Julie in New
 Mexico.
 All: Hi, Julie!
 Rachel: (sarcastically) Hi, Julie.
 Chandler: Ok, while Ross is on the phone, everybody owes me 62 bucks for his
 birthday.
 Phoebe: Um, is, is there any chance that you're rounding up? Y'know, like from,
 like 20?
 Chandler: Hey, come on, we got the gift, the concert, and the cake.
 Joey: Do we need a cake?
 Chandler: Look guys, I know it's a little steep.
 Rachel: Yeah, whoosh! (Imitates going over a cliff with her hand.)
 Chandler: But it's Ross.
 Phoebe: It's Ross.
 Joey: Yeah, you're right.
 Chandler: I'll see you guys later, I gotta go...do a thing.
 Ross: Ok, sweetheart, I'll call you later tonight. (He hangs up) (To Chandler)
 Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey, you're not really gonna go through with this, are you?
 Chandler: You know, I think I might just.
 (They exit.)
 Rachel: So uh, what are you guys doing for dinner tonight?
 Joey: Well I guess I gotta start savin' up for Ross's birthday, so I guess I'll
 just stay home and eat dust bunnies.
 Phoebe: Can you believe how much this is gonna cost?
 Rachel: Do you guys ever get the feeling that um, Chandler and those guys just
 don't get that we don't make as much money as they do?
 Joey: Yes! Yeah, it's like they're always saying 'let's go here, let's go
 there'. Like we can afford to go here and there.
 Phoebe: Yes, yes, and it's, and we always have to go to, y'know, someplace nice,
 y'know? God, and it's not like we can say anything about it, 'cause, like this birthday
 thing, it's for Ross.
 Joey: For Ross.
 Rachel: For Ross, Ross, Ross.
 Monica: (entering) Oh my god.
 Rachel: Hey.
 Joey: Hi.
 Rachel: What?
 Monica: I'm at work, ordinary day, you know, chop chop chop, sauti, sauti,
 sauti. All of a sudden, Leon, the manager, calls me into his office. It turns out they
 fired the head lunch chef, and guess who got the job.
 Joey: If it's not you, this is a horrible story.
 Monica: Fortunately, it is me. And, they made me head of purchasing, thank you
 very much. Anyway, I just ran into Ross and Chandler downstairs, and they think we should
 go out and celebrate. Y'know, someplace nice. (She goes into her bedroom.)