Phoebe: Sorry.
 Rachel: I'm sorry Joey.
 Joey: Why would they do that?! It was a good show right?!
 (Phoebe and Rachel both pause, look at each other, and go press their breasts against
 him. Which Joey doesn't mind, of course.)
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are still giving
 away all of their secrets.]
 Chandler: You wanna tell secrets?! Okay! Okay! In college, Ross used to wear leg
 warmers!
 Ross: All right! All right! Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-a-like contest
 and won!
 Chandler: Ross came in fourth and cried!
 Monica: Oh my God! (Laughing)
 Ross: Oh, is that funny?! Oh, you-you find that funny?! Well maybe Chandler
 should know some of your secrets too!
 Monica: I-I already told him everything! (Threateningly) You shush!!
 Ross: Once Monica was sent to her room without dinner, so she ate the macaroni
 off a jewelry box she'd made.
 Monica: Ross used to stay up every Saturday night to watch Golden
 Girls!
 Ross: Monica couldn't tell time  til she was 13!
 Monica: It's hard for some people!
 Chandler: (To Monica) Of course it is. (Mouths to Ross) Wow whoa!
 Monica: Chandler one time wore my underwear to work!
 Chandler: Hey!!!
 Monica: Ohh, I'm sorry I couldn't think of any more for Ross!
 Ross: Ohh! Ohh! In college, Chandler got drunk and slept with the lady who
 cleaned our dorm!
 Chandler: That was you!
 Ross: Whatever dude, you kissed a guy.
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is still bumming about cancellation of Mac and
 C.H.E.E.S.E.]
 Joey: How could this happen to me?! Yesterday I had two TV shows! Today,
 I got nothin'!
 Rachel: Well wait a minute, what happened to Days of Our Lives?
 Joey: Uh, well they might be a little mad at me over there.
 Phoebe: What happened?
 Joey: Well maybe I got a little upset and maybe I told them where they could go.
 Rachel: Joey, why would you do that?
 Joey: Because they wanted me to audition!
 Phoebe: You! An actor?! That's madness!
 [Scene: Rachel's Outer Office, Tag is sitting at his desk as Rachel walks up. She
 stops and watches him pick up the phone.]
 Tag: Rachel Green's office. (Hangs up.)
 Rachel: Tag? (He turns and looks at her.) Hi, who was that?
 Tag: (shyly) Nobody. I was just practicing.
 Rachel: Really? (Giggles.)
 (Phoebe rounds the corner.)
 Phoebe: Hi!
 Tag: Hi! Rachel Green's office.
 Phoebe: You must be Hilda.
 Rachel: Yeah, this is Tag. Tag, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, can I see you for a
 second? (Goes into office.)
 Tag: Phoebe! That's a great name.
 Phoebe: Oh, you like that? You should hear my phone number.
 Rachel: (grabbing Phoebe) Okay. We'll be right back. (They go into her
 office and she closes the door.)
 Phoebe: So you hired yourself a little treat did ya?
 Rachel: All right I know, I know how it looks Pheebs, but I'm telling
 you
 Phoebe: But-but you know you cannot get involved with your assistant.
 Rachel: Yes, I know that. I know that. And I know that hiring him was probably
 not the smartest thing that I've ever done. But I'm telling you, from this
 moment on I swear this is strictly professional. (There's a knock on the door.) Yes?
 (Kathy enters (Because she's listed in the credits).)
 Kathy: Hey Rachel!
 Rachel: Hi!
 Kathy: Cute assistant! What's his story? Is he
 Rachel: Gay? Yeah. (Kathy leaves dejectedly.)
 [Scene: Terry's office, Joey has come to beg for a second chance.]
 Joey: Hey! Terry.
 Terry: Joey Tribbiani! I'm surprised your big head could fit through our
 small halls! (Gets up) I gotta go Joey.
 Joey: Wait! Terry! Wait Look Wait I-I  Look, I'm really
 sorry about before. I was an idiot thinking I'm too big to audition for you. You
 gotta give me another chance.
 Terry: I can't help you Joey.
 Joey: Wait! Terry! Please! Look, I just lost my other job. Okay? You have no
 idea how much I need this. Please, help me out, for old times sake.
 [Cut to a hospital room set on the Days of Our Lives stage. Two nurses are
 standing next to a bed with a man whose face is completely covered in bandages and reading
 his chart.]
 Nurse #1: This poor guy's been in a coma for five years. It's
 hopeless.
 Nurse #2: It's not hopeless! Dr. Stryker Ramoray's a miracle worker.
 Look, here he comes.
 (Stryker enters, only it's not Joey playing him.)
 Dr. Stryker Ramoray: Good morning. (He walks over to the bed, leans down, and
 whispers to him.) Drake, it's your brother Stryker. Can you hear me?
 The Director: And cut!
 Joey: (jumping up and removing the bandages) I'm back baby! Ha-ha-ha!
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are sitting there and not talking to
 each other.]
 Monica: Y'know, in my defense, umm there was no glitter on the macaroni and
 very little glue.


 The One With The Engagement Picture
 The One With The Engagement Picture
 Teleplay by: Patty Lin
 Story by: Earl Davis
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Phoebe are going through a bunch of
 pictures as Chandler enters.]
 Chandler: Hey.
 Monica: What's the matter?
 Chandler: Someone on the subway licked my neck! Licked my neck!!
 Phoebe: Oh Willie's still alive!
 Chandler: What are you guys doing?
 Monica: Oh, my mom called, they're gonna run our engagement announcement in
 the local paper, so we're looking for a good picture of us.
 Chandler: Oooh, I'm afraid that does not exist.
 Monica: That's not true, there are great pictures of us!
 Chandler: No, there are great pictures of you standing next to a guy who's
 going like this  (Makes what can only be described as a toothy frown. Henceforth,
 this shall be known as The Face.)
 Phoebe: Oh my God! That's the creep that you're with at the Statue
 of Liberty.
 Chandler: I don't know what it is, I just can't take a good picture.
 Monica: (looking at one) Oh, here's a great one.
 Chandler: Yeah, I'm not in that.
 Monica: I know, but look at me: all tan.
 Phoebe: Hey, why don't you guys go get portraits done by a professional
 photographer.
 Monica: That's a good idea! I bet they have one of those wind machines!
 Y'know  (Does the whole hair blowing in the wind model type poses.)
 Phoebe: Yeah that's great! Next to that, Chandler won't look so
 stupid.
 Monica: Chandler what do you say?
 Chandler: All right, but I should warn you, I'm not going. I'm going.
 (Does The Face while saying that last part.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting on the couch as Ross and Chandler enter after
 playing basketball.]
 Ross: (To Chandler) Dude, that reverse lay-up! Oh
 Chandler: How about those three-pointers?
 Ross: Amazing!
 Chandler: And those guys were this (Doing the standard 'This
 Close' gesture) close to lettin' us play this time too.
 (They both get dejected and go sit down.)
 Rachel: Hey look-look, Phoebe's talking to uh, Cute Coffeehouse Guy.
 Ross: Oh, you guys call him Cute Coffeehouse Guy? We call him Hums While He
 Pees.
 Chandler: Yes, and we call Ross Lingers In The Bathroom.
 Phoebe: (returning) Hey you guys, Hums While He Pees just asked me out!
 Rachel: Hey, I thought that guy was married.
 Phoebe: He is! But he's getting divorced Ross! Maybe you know him.
 Ross: It's not a club.
 Rachel: Phoebe, if this guy's going through a divorce, is it such a good
 idea to start going out with him?
 Ross: Hey, divorced men are not bad men!
 Chandler: They have that on the napkins at the club.
 Rachel: Oh, I gotta get back to work.
 Phoebe: You don't have to be back for a half-hour!
 Rachel: Yeah but, my assistant Tag does sit-ups in the office during lunch. Ohh!
 I could just spread him on a cracker.
 Chandler: Rach, if you have a crush on this guy, why would you hire him? I mean
 y'know you can't date him right?
 Rachel: Oh no, I know that. I know that. Although, we made a joke that we spend
 so much time together he should call me his work wife.
 Ross: Soon he'll be able to call you, that lady he knew who got fired.
 Rachel: I am not gonna get fired, because I'm not gonna act on it.
 Phoebe: So you wouldn't mind if he was dating someone else?
 Rachel: Why? Is he? He is! Isn't he? He's dating that slut in
 marketing!
 Ross: Maybe I should open a divorced men's club.
 Chandler: Dude that is so sad.
 Ross: I could put uh-uh a basketball court in the back.
 Chandler: Could I play?
 [Scene: Rachel's Outer Office, she's returning from lunch to see Tag not
 doing his sit-ups.]
 Rachel: Oh, no sit-ups today Tag?
 Tag: I just did them.
 Rachel: Oh, well drop and give me ten more!
 Tag: What?
 Rachel: Uh, I-I had a drink with lunch. Did those cost reports come in?
 Tag: Yeah, I filled them out last night?
 Rachel: Oh, great could you make me four copies of those?
 (He gets up to make the copies leaving Rachel alone with his stuff. She notices his
 sweater in his backpack and holds it up to her nose as Melissa, a coworker, walks up.)
 Melissa: Hey Rachel!
 Rachel: (startled) Ahh, hi! Hi! Melissa, what's up? I'm just uh, about
 to umm, go out to the store to get some stuff to put in my backpack. Y'know, like
 dried fruit and granola and stuff. What's up? (She has put on the backpack.)
 Melissa: Umm, is Tag here?
 Rachel: No. Why?
 Melissa: Oh, I was gonna talk to him about doing something tonight.
 Rachel: Really?! Got a little crush on Tag there do ya?
 Melissa: Well, we've been flirting back and forth, but I was hoping that
 tonight it would turn into something a little more than that.


Rachel: Okay, whoa-whoa easy there Melissa! This ain't a locker room, okay?
 But, y'know I remember him saying that-that he had plans tonight.
 Melissa: Oh no!
 Rachel: Oh yeah. All right, back to work.
 Melissa: Hey! Isn't that Tag's backpack.
 Rachel: Yeah Melissa, I don't want to be known as the uh, office bitch, but
 I will call your supervisor.
 (Melissa beats a hasty retreat.)
 [Scene: A Portrait Studio, Chandler and Monica are trying to take their engagement
 picture. Monica has a beautiful smile, while Chandler hasn't.]
 The Photographer: (taking pictures) Great! That's great Monica! Great! Now,
 Chandler, you want to give us a smile?
 Chandler: Okay. (Does The Face.)
 The Photographer: I'm sorry, is the seat uncomfortable?
 Chandler: No, I am.
 Monica: Chandler, listen to me sweetie, I know you can do this. Okay? You have a
 beautiful smile.
 Chandler: I do? (He smiles, beautifully.)
 Monica: Yeah! (They turn to the camera, and Chandler does The Face again.) All
 right, maybe you don't have to smile. Let's try something else. Let's try
 umm, try looking sexy.
 Chandler: Okay. (You'll have to see it, I can't describe the face he
 makes, but it isn't good.)
 Monica: Or not.
 [Scene: Rachel's Office, Joey is knocking on the door holding a hand over a spot
 on his shirt.]
 Rachel: Hi Joey! What are you doing here?
 Joey: Uhh, well I've got an audition down the street and I spilled sauce
 all over the front of my shirt. (Removes his hand to reveal a huge sauce stain.) You got
 an extra one?
 Rachel: Yeah, sure. Umm here. (Hands him one.)
 Joey: Great. (He doesn't like it.) You got anything that's not Ralph
 Lauren?
 Rachel: Yeah, I don't think so Joe.
 Joey: All right, I guess this will be fine.
 Rachel: Hey, listen umm, what-what are you doing tonight?
 Joey: Nothing, why?
 Rachel: How would you feel about taking out my assistant Tag? I'll pay.
 Joey: Huh, Rach I got to say it's gonna take a lot of money for me to go
 out on a date with a dude.
 Rachel: I'm not asking you to go on a date with him!
 Joey: Really?  Cause I could kinda use the money.
 Rachel: Joey, just-just he-he's new in town and I know he doesn't have
 any guy friends. Just take him to like a ball game or something. I'll really
 appreciate it.
 Joey: Yeah, okay.
 Rachel: Yeah?
 Joey: Sure, no problem. (Sees something.) Ooh Hey, donuts!
 Rachel: Yeah!
 Joey: Okay. (He grabs a jelly donut, takes a bite, and guess what he spills all
 over himself. He tries to clean it up and smears it all over the shirt.)
 [Scene: A Portrait Studio, Chandler and Monica are still trying to get the picture
 taken.]
 Monica: I know. Let's try a look of far off wonderment. Okay,
 we'll-we'll gaze into our future and we'll think about our marriage and the
 days to come. (Chandler is still not getting it.) Chandler! What is the matter with your
 face?! I mean this picture is supposed to say 'Geller and Bing to be married,'
 not 'Local woman saves drowning moron!' (The photographer laughs.) Hey!
 Don't laugh at him! He's my drowning moron!
 Chandler: Aww! (Smiles.)
 Monica: That's it! Take it! Take it! Take it!
 (Chandler turns to the camera and does The Face.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are going over the picture proofs.]
 Ross: I like this one. (Points to it.) It seems to say, 'I love you and
 that's why I have to kill you.'
 Monica: They can't all be bad. (To Chandler) Find the one where you make
 your bedroom eyes. Ohh, there it is.
 Chandler: Oh my God! Those are my bedroom eyes?! Why did you ever sleep with me?
 Monica: Do you really want to pull at that thread?
 (Phoebe enters with Hums While He Pees also known as Kyle.)
 Phoebe: I'm having a really good time!
 Kyle: Me too! I'm sorry that guy in the subway licked your
 neck.
 Phoebe: Ohh. No that's okay, he's a friend.
 Kyle: Hey uh, I don't mean to be presumptuous but I have
 these two tickets to the ballroom dancing finals tomorrow night if you want to go?
 Phoebe: Yeah, I  Well y'know I-I mean I missed the-the semi-finals, so
 I'd just be lost.
 Kyle: I know it's really lame, but I got these tickets from
 my boss and Oh no! No! No! My God!
 Phoebe: Okay, don't freak out. I'll go.
 Kyle: No it's  Uh, my ex-wife Whitney is out there. I
 cannot deal with her right now. That woman is crazy!
 Phoebe: Okay, I know. Hold on. (She walks over to the couch.) Hey Ross?
 Ross: Yeah?
 Phoebe: Yeah, umm that's Whitney (Points), Kyle's ex-wife out there,
 now do you think that you can y'know divert her so that we can slip out?
 Ross: What?! No!
 Phoebe: Well okay but I have two tickets to the ballroom dance finals. (She
 holds up the tickets that Kyle gave her.)


Ross: Look, I don't think so Pheebs. (Pause) All right, I'll do it.
 But just because you're a friend. (Grabs the tickets and heads to divert Whitney.)
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is dancing around his living room as Phoebe enters,
 catching and startling him.]
 Phoebe: Hi Ginger.
 Ross: All right! I want my key back!
 Phoebe: I don't have it!
 Ross: It's right there! (Points to her hand.)
 Phoebe: Ugh, okay Sherlock! (Hands over the key.)
 Ross: Look, I'm sorry but you-you-you better go Pheebs.
 Phoebe: All right, well I just wanted to say thank you though, for diverting
 Kyle's ex.
 Ross: Oh yeah No You're welcome. We'll talk about it later.
 Phoebe: Okay.
 (Ross opens the door to reveal Whitney standing there.)
 Ross: Hi Whitney.
 Whitney: Hi Ross! You ready for breakfast?
 Ross: Yep. (Phoebe slams the door shut.) Okay.
 Phoebe: (To Ross) Kyle's ex-wife? You were supposed to divert her, not date
 her!
 Ross: (opens the door and to Whitney) Hi! I'm sorry, but can you give me a
 second while I talk to this woman, who by the way did not spend the night?
 Whitney: Sure.
 Ross: Okay. (Closes the door.) (To Phoebe) I did divert her and we ended
 up having a great time! Okay?
 Phoebe: Watching ballroom dancing?
 Ross: Yes! That's where we realized we were both super cool people!
 Phoebe: Well look-look, okay Ross, Kyle just told me some really bad
 stuff about her.
 Ross: Like what?
 Phoebe: Like she's really mean, and she's over critical,
 and-and No! She will paint a room a really bright color without even checking
 with you!
 Ross: Okay.
 Phoebe: And! She uses sex as a weapon!
 Ross: Fine! Thank you for warning me. At breakfast I'll be on full alert
 for room painting and sex weapons.
 Phoebe: You're still gonna go out with her?!
 Ross: Yeah!
 Phoebe: Well, didn't you just hear what I said?!
 Ross: Pheebs come on! I mean, consider the source! Of course her
 ex-husband's gonna say that stuff. Now, if you'll excuse me
 Phoebe: (interrupting him) No listen to me! She is crazy!
 Whitney: (outside the door) Uh, your door isn't sound proof.
 Phoebe: You see? Nothing is good enough for her!
 [Scene: Rachel's Office, Tag is arriving as Rachel is standing there.]
 Tag: Good morning.
 Rachel: Hi Tag! Hey, so did you have fun with uh, with Joey last night?
 Tag: Oh yeah! We went to the Knicks game.
 Rachel: Ohh that's nice.
 Tag: Then we went to this bar and he hooked us up with all these women!
 Rachel: Wo-women? You mean like old women?
 Tag: Well kinda old, like 30.
 Rachel: (Pause) Oh.
 Tag: And I never used to be able to just talk to girls in bars, but I got like
 20 phone numbers last night.
 Rachel: That's great! Wow man, so Joey must've really taught you some
 stuff huh?
 Tag: A little.
 Rachel: Yeah?
 (A beautiful women walks up.)
 Tag: (To her, in the Joey voice) How you doin'?
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is teaching Chandler how to smile. Chandler is
 smiling.]
 Joey: See? That's a great smile! Easy. Natural. Now, pretend I have a
 camera. (Chandler immediately does The Face.) You're changing it!
 Chandler: I can't help it!
 Joey: All right, all right, all right, all right, you wanna know what I do when
 I take resume shots?
 Chandler: Borrow money from me?
 Joey: Okay, first first of all, you want to make it look spontaneous. I
 look down (Looks down), look down, keep looking down; then I look up. (Looks up and
 smiles.) See? All right, now you try. Look down (Chandler looks down), you're looking
 down, keep looking down
 Chandler: Why is there jelly on your shoe?
 Joey: I had a donut. (Chandler nods.)
 Rachel: (entering) Hi!
 Joey: Hey!
 Chandler: Hey!
 Rachel: So uh, heard you had some fun with Tag last night.
 Joey: Yeah! That guy's alright!
 Rachel: Yeah and you had fun teaching him how to be all Joey.
 Joey: What?
 Rachel: Y'know, all the women.
 Joey: Hey well, you can't teach someone to be good with women. Y'know,
 that's why I never had any luck with Chandler.
 Chandler: (Pause) I'm right here!
 Rachel: All right, would-would you mind just not going out with him again? Okay,
 just the idea of you and he and all these women, it's just And I know he's
 my assistant and I can't date him but it just bothers me, all right?!
 Joey: Hey! No-no-no-no, you can't take him away from me! I got a great
 partner to pick up girls with! Finally!!
 Chandler: I'm still right here!
 Rachel: All right, will you, will you at least tell him how hollow and
 unsatisfying this dating tons of women thing is!
 Joey: (shocked) What?!
 Rachel: I just don't want him to meet anybody until I am over my
 crush And I will get over it. It's-it's not like I love him, it's just
 physical! But I mean I get crushes like this all the time! I mean hell, I had a crush
 on you when I first met ya!


Joey: I know, Monica told me.
 Chandler: Did you have a crush on me, when you first met me?
 Rachel: Yeah. Sure. (Joey nods his head questioningly and Rachel nods no.)
 Chandler: Can you people not see me?! (He waves his arms around to get their
 attention.)
 Rachel: (To Joey) So, will you talk to him?
 Joey: I don't know Rach.
 Rachel: Oh, come on! I'll give you ten free Ralph Lauren shirts.
 Joey: One! (Pause.) No ten! You said ten! You can't take that back!
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is there as Tag enters carrying a bag.]
 Tag: Hey Joey, you wanted to talk to me?
 Joey: I don't know. You uh, you got something for me?
 Tag: Oh, yeah, this is from Rachel.
 (He hands Joey the bag and he quickly counts its contents.)
 Joey: Ten. Okay. Now Tag there's such a thing as too many women.
 Tag: Really?
 Joey: Yeah, for you!
 [Scene: The Portrait Studio, Monica is waiting for Chandler to make another attempt at
 taking a good picture.]
 Monica: (seeing him approach) Hey! There you are!
 Chandler: There I am!
 Monica: Are you okay?
 Chandler: Yeah, Joey said I uh, I needed to relax so he gave me an
 antihistamine.
 Monica: What?!
 Chandler: Yeah, and then I fell asleep on the subway and went all the way to
 Brooklyn. Brooklyn is f-far!!
 Monica: Chandler, what were you thinking?
 Chandler: I don't know, but don't worry, don't worry, because I
 know how to take a picture now. (They get ready) Okay, see? Look down (Looks down), look
 down, look down  (He falls asleep.)
 Monica: Chandler?
 Chandler: (awakens) Yeah! (Looks up and does The Face.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Phoebe are there.]
 Phoebe: Hi.
 Ross: Hi.
 Phoebe: So, how are things going with crazy? Has she cooked your rabbit yet?
 Ross: Listen, you are hearing one side of the story, okay and F.Y.I
 she must've shown Kyle over 30 paint samples before she painted that room! And his
 response to each one was, 'I don't give a tiny rat's ass.'
 Phoebe: Yeah well, maybe she should've spent a little less time decorating
 and a little more time in the bedroom.
 Ross: Well, I don't think we are gonna have that problem, but maybe
 that's just because I am not emotionally unavailable!
 Phoebe: You think he's emotionally unavailable?
 Ross: I think he can be.
 Phoebe: Well, maybe he wouldn't be if she didn't bring the office home
 every night!
 Ross: Well, excuse her for knowing what she wants to do with her life!
 Phoebe: Yeah well, she certainly knew what she was doing New Year's Eve
 1997.
 Ross: (angrily) I knew you were gonna throw that in my face!! That
 was three years ago! She apologized and she apologized! What more do you want?!!
 Phoebe: (gets up and starts to leave) We want the last six years back!!
 Ross: So do we!! So do we!! (Ross notices a couple has been staring at them.)
 I'm sorry you had to see that.
 [Scene: Rachel's Office, Tag is entering.]
 Tag: Good morning Rachel.
 Rachel: Hi! (He hands her her mail) Thanks, hey so uh what'd you do last
 night?
 Tag: Went out with Joey.
 Rachel: Oh yeah? Another night of bird-dogging the chickas?
 Tag: No. We had a really good talk. I don't think I'm gonna do that
 bar scene anymore.
 Rachel: Wow! I did not see that coming.
 Tag: It's just not really who I am. Y'know, I've always been happier
 when Why am I telling you this? You don't care about this stuff.
 Rachel: Oh no, yes I do! I do! I mean, come on go on, you were, you were saying
 I am happier when uh, y'know?
 Tag: When I'm in a relationship, I love having a girlfriend.
 Rachel: Really?
 Tag: Someone I can spoil, y'know?
 Rachel: Sp-spoil?
 Tag: Uh-huh! Let me ask you something?
 Rachel: Uh-huh.
 Tag: Do you believe that there is one perfect person for everyone?
 Rachel: Well, I-I'm startin' too.
 Tag: And if that person is already in your life, you should do something about
 it right?
 Rachel: Yes! Hell yes!
 Tag: All right then, it's settled.
 Rachel: Okay.
 Tag: I'm gettin' back together with my ex-girlfriend.
 Rachel: I'd love to!
 Tag: What?
 Rachel: (panics, turns around, picks up the phone, and pretend to talk on it)
 Hello?! (Listens) Oh, yeah! (To Tag) This is gonna be a while. Excuse me. (Tag leaves and
 she closes the door behind him, disgustedly.) Yeah!
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Phoebe are there again, only now they're not
 talking to each other. Phoebe is loudly stirring her coffee.]
 Ross: My God!
 Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry. Is that annoying? And speaking about being selfish
 in bed, how's Whitney?
 Ross: Well maybe she wouldn't have to be selfish in bed if someone else
 knew where everything was!


 The One With The Nap Partners
 The One With The Nap Partners
 Written by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: A Restaurant, Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica are having brunch.]
 Monica: Okay, the reason why I asked you guys out to brunch today is because I
 have been doing some thinking about who should be my maid of honor.
 Rachel: Oh my God! This is it! (She and Phoebe hold hands.) (To Phoebe) I really
 hope it's you!
 Phoebe: I hope it's you.
 Rachel: Me too!
 Monica: First of all um, I love you both so much and you're both so
 important to me
 Rachel: Okay, bla-bla-bla-bla!! Who is it?!
 Monica: Well umm, I was thinking that maybe we could come up with a system where
 we trade off being maid of honor for each other. Like hypothetically, if Phoebe were
 mine
 Phoebe: Yes!!! Oh!!
 Rachel: Hypothetically!
 Phoebe: Still.
 Monica: If Phoebe were my maid of honor
 Rachel: Uh-hmm.
 Monica: Rachel would be Phoebe's, I would be Rachel's, that way we all
 get to do it once and no one would get upset.
 Rachel: Yeah that's actually a pretty good idea.
 Phoebe: Yeah, I'll do that. So who gets to be yours?
 Monica: (laughs) Well that's the best part. Umm, you guys get to
 decide!
 Phoebe: Wh-why is that the best part?
 Monica: Because then I don't have to!
 Rachel: Well of course we will help you decide! We will do anything we
 can to help you! Now, I would like to make a toast, to the future Mrs. Chandler Bing (A
 woman at the table behind them overhears Chandler's name and starts listening
 closer), my best friend, and truly one of the nicest people that
 Monica: I'm really not deciding!
 Rachel: Fine!
 (The woman gets up and walks over to their table.)
 Woman: Excuse me, I-I couldn't help overhearing, you're marrying Chandler
 Bing?
 Monica: Yeah that's right.
 Woman: (sarcastically) Huh, good luck!
 Phoebe: Aww, and good luck to you too! (To Monica and Rachel) What a nice lady!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are finishing watching Die Hard
 on video.]
 Chandler: Die Hard still great!
 Joey: Yep. Hey, what do you say we make it a double feature?
 Chandler: What'd you rent?
 Joey: Die Hard 2.
 Chandler: (looking at the tape) Joey, this is Die Hard 1 again.
 Joey: Oh, well we watch it a second time and its Die Hard 2!
 Ross: Joey, we just saw it!
 Joey: And?
 Ross: And it'll be cool to see it again! Yeah!
 Joey and Ross: Die Hard!!!!!!
 Ross: Dude, you didn't say Die Hard. Is everything okay?
 Chandler: Yeah, I just got uh, got plans.
 Ross: Well, John McClane had plans!
 Chandler: No, see the thing is I want to get out of here before Joey gets all
 worked up and starts calling everybody bitch.
 Joey: What are you talking about? Bitch.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is bringing Rachel some coffee.]
 Phoebe: Hey Rachel?
 Rachel: Yeah?
 Phoebe: Umm, when I get married will you be my maid of honor?
 Rachel: Really?!
 Phoebe: Uh-hmm.
 Rachel: Oh my God Phoebe! I mean I'm just Wait a minute. If I'm
 your maid of honor that means you are Monica's.
 Phoebe: Oh! Well, if that's what you want
 Rachel: Ohh! No way Phoebe! I want to be Monica's!
 Phoebe: But why does it even matter?!
 Rachel: Why does it matter so much to you?!
 Phoebe: Because this one is now! And-and it's two of our best
 friends! Who knows what you're gonna marry!
 Rachel: What-what if I marry Ross Or Joey?
 Phoebe: (gasps) You wouldn't! Okay look, Rachel I know you really want to
 do this, but I-I've never been maid of honor to anyone before! And I know you've
 done it at least twice!
 Rachel: Yeah but Phoebe
 Phoebe: And no, oh please, oh please let me finish. (Rachel stops talking.) Oh I
 guess that was it.
 Rachel: Okay. Okay. It's since you've never done it before you
 can be Monica's maid of honor.
 Phoebe: Oh, thank you so much! (They hug.) Okay.
 Rachel: I'm gonna marry someone good y'know.
 Phoebe: Oh I know.
 Rachel: Better than Chandler. (Phoebe exhales as if to say, 'Like what
 isn't?')
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, Die Hard has ended, only I don't think Joey and
 Ross know that yet. As you see, they are both asleep. And they're on the same couch.
 Which means they're sleeping together. Not like Joey is at one end and Ross is on the
 other, they both happen to be lying down and sleeping together. Well, there hasn't
 been any clothes removed so not that kind of sleeping together. Not that
 there's anything wrong with that. That is unless you're a Republican in which
 case that kind of thing will bring about the downfall of Western society, especially if they
 should happen to want to get married. Anyway, let me recap. No, there is too much, let me
 sum up. Ross and Joey are taking a nap together on top of each other and both wake-up at
 the same time, realize what they just did, scream, and jump up.]


Ross: What happened?!!
 Joey: Well, I don't know!!
 Ross: We fell asleep! That is all.
 Joey: Yeah. Yep. Yeah. All right, well uh, I'd better go.
 Ross: I think that would be best.
 Joey: Yeah. All right, I'll talk to you later.
 Ross: Okay. But not about this!
 Joey: No! Never! Never! (Pause, then Joey wants to shake Ross's hand.) Bye.
 Ross: No touch! No touch!
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica has just gotten back from brunch and is
 telling Chandler about it.]
 Monica: Yeah hey, a weird thing happened today when I was at brunch. This woman
 overheard that I was marrying you and-and then she she wished me good luck.
 Chandler: That's sweet.
 Monica: No, it's more like a (sarcastically) good luck.
 Chandler: So uh, what did this woman look like?
 Monica: She was like 30, dark hair, attractive.
 Chandler: Well, is there any chance you were looking into a bright, shiny thing
 called a mirror?
 Monica: Come on, was it somebody maybe you dated in college?
 Chandler: No, no I only dated two girls in college, both blonde, both not
 attractive  (Thinks a little while.) Hold on one second; let me check this out. (He
 gets up and grabs a photo album.
 Monica: What are you doing?
 Chandler: Well, let's see  (Finding the picture he wants.) Okay uh, is
 that her? (Pointing to the picture.)
 Monica: Oh my God yes! Who is she?
 Chandler: Julie Grath, my camp girlfriend.
 Monica: Did you break up with her?
 Chandler: (pause) No, we're still together. Yeah we went out for two
 summers, and then I broke up with her.
 Monica: Why?
 Chandler: Well,  cause she came back the third summer and she'd gotten
 really fa-aa-aw-ow
 Monica: Fat?!
 Chandler: I did not say fat! I said, 'Fa-aa-aw-ow '
 Monica: You broke up with a girl because she was fat?!
 Chandler: Yeah. Yeah, but it was a really, really long time ago! Does she still
 feel bad?
 Monica: Well, apparently she does.
 Chandler: Well, you know what they say, elephants never forget. (Monica is not
 amused by that statement.) Seriously, good luck marrying me.
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is entering, Rachel and Phoebe are already there.]
 Joey: Hey! What's going on?
 Rachel: Phoebe is gonna be Monica's maid of honor!
 Joey: Hey! Well I hope it goes better than the last time you did it for that
 girl downstairs, remember? (Phoebe glares at him.)
 Rachel: (shocked) You have been maid of honor before?!!
 Phoebe: See? This is exactly why you shouldn't lie!
 Rachel: All right that's it! I am maid of honor!
 Phoebe: Na-uh, I am!
 Rachel: How come you are?!
 Phoebe: Because I cared enough to lie!
 Joey: Hey-hey-hey-hey, I can help you decide who should do it! Yeah, we could
 have like uh, like an audition and see how you'd handle maid of honor type
 situations.
 Phoebe: What are you talking about?
 Joey: Like when I want a job, I go to an audition and if I'm the best of
 the people they see, they give me the part.
 Phoebe: Okay, so after this audition, who decides who gets it?
 Joey: Oh uh, me and Ross can be the judges.
 Phoebe: (To Rachel) Well, it's better than us deciding.
 Rachel: Oh, come on! This is crazy! Can't we just flip a coin?!
 Phoebe: No! Coins hate me!
 Rachel: Okay. Okay fine, y'know what? We will let Ross and Joey decide.
 (Ross enters.) (In a sexy voice.) Hiiiii, Ross! Sweetie.
 Phoebe: Hey there, you handsome thing. (Rachel and Phoebe exit.)
 Ross: Wow, this cologne really is every bit as good as Georgio.
 Joey: Hi.
 Ross: Just uh, brought back your videos.
 Joey: Uh hey look uh Ross, look I think we need to talk about before.
 Ross: No! No we don't!
 Joey: Yes we do! Now look, that was the best nap I ever had!!
 Ross: I  I don't know what you are talking about.
 Joey: Come on! Admit it! That was the best nap you ever had!
 Ross: I've had better.
 Joey: Okay! When?!
 Ross: All right! All right! It was the best nap ever!
 Joey: Uh-huh!
 Ross: I've said it! Okay?! But it's over Joey!
 Joey: I want to do it again.
 Ross: We can't do it again.
 Joey: Why not?
 Ross: Because it's weird!
 Joey: Fine! Do you want something to drink?
 Ross: Sure, what do you got?
 Joey: Warm milk and Excedrin P.M. (Ross just leaves.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is approaching the bathroom door behind
 which Chandler is using the facility.]
 Monica: Chandler! (Knocks on the door.) Chandler! I just figured out who you
 are!
 Chandler: Can you figure out what I'm doing?
 Monica: You're Lewis Posin.
 Chandler: Who?
 Monica: Lewis Posin! He was my best friend in fifth grade, and-and then one day
 I asked him to be my boyfriend and he said no. Do you know why?


Chandler: Because you kept talking to him while he was trying to go to the
 bathroom?!
 Monica: No! But because he thought I was too faaaaa . (Chandler emerges,
 without flushing by the way.) And every time I think about it, it makes me feel as bad as
 I did in fifth grade! Y'know, I-I really think that you should apologize to Julie.
 Chandler: What? Are you kidding? That was like 16 years ago.
 Monica: No, I know. But y'know what? It would make me feel better if Lewis
 apologized to me.
 Chandler: Okay, I will do it. But I have to warn you; this may make me a better
 person and that is not the man you fell in love with!
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are laying out the ground rules for the maid
 of honor auditions to Rachel and Phoebe.]
 Joey: Okay, all right, this is how it's going to work. We're gonna
 give you hypothetical maid of honor situations and you will be scored on a scale of 1 to
 10, 1 being the highest.
 Ross: No, 10 is the highest.
 Joey: Why is 10 the highest?
 Ross: Because it's the highest. (Joey shrugs his shoulders) Okay, Rachel
 you're up first. (Rachel stands up and gets ready.) Situation No. 1: You're with
 Monica, the wedding is about to start when Monica gets cold feet. Go! (Joey is playing the
 part of Monica.)
 Joey: (crying) I don't want to marry Chandler!
 Rachel: Okay, uh
 Joey: I've got cold feet.
 Rachel:  it's gonna be okay!
 Joey: No, one man for the rest of my life? I don't know if I can do it!
 This means I'll never get to sleep with Joey!
 Rachel: Look Monica, getting cold feet is very common. Y'know,
 it's-it's just because of all the anticipation and you just have to remember
 that you love Chandler. And also, I ran out on a wedding. You don't get to keep the
 gifts.
 Joey: (out of his Monica character) Very good! Drawing on your own experience, I
 like that!
 Rachel: Thanks!
 Ross: Yes, very nice Rachel.
 Rachel: Thank you judges.
 Phoebe: Ugh, what a kiss ass.
 Rachel: Oh!
 Joey: Okay, Phoebe
 Phoebe: Yes! Your honor?
 Joey: We're now in the ceremony, Monica is about to say, 'I do'
 when her drunk uncle starts yelling. What do you do? Go!
 Ross: (playing the drunk uncle) When Monica was a little girl, I remember
 that (Phoebe screams and tackles him) Ooh!! Ow! Very good!
 Phoebe: Oh!
 Joey: Yes! Excellent! Perfect score!
 Rachel: Wait a minute! She just made a scene in the middle of the ceremony!
 Phoebe: Hey! Do you want, do you want a little taste of Pheebs?!
 Ross: It is time for you to give your maid of honor speech.
 Rachel: Ohh, wait a minute, we haven't pre
 Ross: Go!
 Rachel: Okay! Okay! Umm, Webster's Dictionary defines marriage
 as  (Ross and Joey start writing.) Okay!! Forget that! That sucks!! Okay, never mind!
 Forget it! Umm, umm, okay, uh  I met, I-I met, I met Monica when we were just a
 couple of six-year-olds and I became friends with Chandler when he was 25, although he
 seemed like a six-year-old.
 Ross and Joey: Oh! That's nice.
 Rachel: Thank you. Thank you very much. Umm, I've known them separately and
 I've known them together and-and to know them as a couple is to know that you are
 truly in the presence of love. So I would like to raise my glass (Grabs a glass and holds
 it up) to Monica and Chandler and the beautiful adventure they are about to embark upon
 together. I can think of no two people better prepared for the journey.
 Joey: Wow. (To Ross) Good speech.
 Ross: Yeah, it really was!
 Rachel: Aw, thanks!
 Ross: Okay Phoebe, I guess you're next (To Joey) although I really
 don't see the point.
 Joey: Yeah.
 Phoebe: Okay, I can't believe that Monica and Chandler are getting married.
 I remember talking about this today with Rachel while we were showering together, naked.
 (Raises her glass and drinks.)
 (Joey and Ross pause while they picture the event.)
 Joey: And she's back in the game.
 [Scene: A random apartment building, Chandler and Monica are knocking on the door of
 the woman from the beginning.]
 Chandler: (she opens the door) Julie hi! Chandler Bing, I, I guess you remember
 me.
 Julie: Hello Skidmark.
 Chandler: (To Monica) It's a nickname, I'll explain later.
 Monica: It's pretty clear.
 Chandler: Ah, uh, I owe you a long overdue apology. I never should have broken
 up with you because you were overweight.
 Julie: That's why you broke up with me?
 Chandler: You-you-you didn't know that. (Pause as she nods no.) Well, I
 guess my work here is done!
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are giving Phoebe and Rachel the results of their
 election. Somewhat faster than Florida I might add.]


Joey: All right, well first of all I would like to say that you both performed
 very well. Okay? You should be proud of yourselves. And-and I would also like to say that
 in this competition there are no losers. Well, except for Rachel Damnit!
 Phoebe: Really?! I won!
 Rachel: What?!
 Ross: I'm sorry Rach, it was, it was really close.
 Rachel: Well then I demand a recount! (Hmm, I wonder where I've heard that
 before.)
 Ross: Actually, it wasn't that close.
 Rachel: No! Y'know what? No! No! You thing was so stupid anyway, this was
 ridiculous We're gonna flip a coin! (Phoebe gasps.) All right?! (She flips the
 coin.) Heads! (Looks at the coin and grunts in disgust.)
 Phoebe: The coins have finally forgiven me!
 Rachel: Well y'know what? I hope Monica forgives you after you throw
 her
 her vegetarian, voodoo, goddess circley shower! (Runs out.)
 Phoebe: (running after her) Rach, it's gonna be okay! (To Ross and Joey)
 You guys are the best!
 Joey: Boy I tell ya, that judging stuff took a lot out of me.
 Ross: Yeah?
 Joey: Yeah! I was thinking about maybe going upstairs and taking a little nap on
 my couch. (Raises his eyebrows, questioning Ross to see if he wants to join him.)
 Ross: Why-why would I care about that?
 Joey: No reason, I'm just saying that uh  That's where I'll
 be.
 (Joey gets up and heads for the door. After a pause Ross decides to join him.)
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica have returned from
 Julie's.]
 Chandler: As bad as that went, I actually enjoyed myself. I think that I'm
 going to apologize for all of the stupid things I do.
 Monica: Why don't you just stop doing stupid things? Then you wouldn't
 have to apologize.
 Chandler: I would really love it if I could do both.
 Monica: All right, I I have to ask.
 Chandler: What?
 Monica: Are you gonna break up with me if I get fat again?
 Chandler: What?!
 Monica: Well, you broke up with Julie Grath! How much weight could she have
 gained?
 Chandler: A hundred and forty-five pounds.
 Monica: In one year?! My God what did she eat? Her-her family! That's not
 the point.
 Chandler: Look I know it was a stupid reason to break up with somebody, but I
 was 15!
 Monica: Well  That's not the only time this was an issue. You remember
 when umm, you spent Thanksgiving with us? You called me fat.
 Chandler: Okay. Okay, now wait a minute that was totally different.
 Monica: How?
 Chandler: You were not supposed to hear that! I said that behind you back!
 Monica: What if I have babies, okay? I mean I'm gonna look different.
 I'm okay with that, but I'm not sure that you are!
 Chandler: Look you have to realize I don't think of you as a thin,
 beautiful woman. (Monica glares at him.) See this is one of things that I can apologize
 for later! Look, what I mean is you're Monica! Okay? And I am in love with Monica.
 Monica: Keep going.
 Chandler: So you can balloon up or you can shrink down and I will still love
 you.
 Monica: Even if I shrink down to two inches tall?
 Chandler: I'd carry you around in my pocket.
 Monica: I love you. (They hug and kiss.)
 Chandler: Skidmark's still got a way with the ladies.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Rachel enters carrying a shopping bag.]
 Rachel: Hi Pheebs.
 Phoebe: Hi!
 Rachel: Hi! I just want to apologize. I'm really sorry I was a baby.
 Phoebe: That's ridiculous Rachel, we were all babies once. (Rachel looks at
 her.) Oh, you mean today.
 Rachel: Yeah. Yeah, and y'know you-you deserve to win. And-and y'know
 I was thinking about it, if-if you're Monica's maid of honor that means I get to
 be yours.
 Phoebe: Oh yeah!
 Rachel: Yeah! Oh, umm when-when Monica and Chandler got engaged I started
 putting some stuff together, y'know just in case
 Phoebe: Oh that's so sweet thanks.
 Rachel: Here is a book of poetry that I know Monica loves. And-and ohh God this
 is funny, look, this is a picture of one Halloween where she dressed up as a bride. (Shows
 Phoebe the picture.) And look, she made me carry her train, which was weird because I was Wonder
 Woman. Oh and here's a little purse that I found. (Hands her the purse)
 Y'know I just thought that maybe they could hold the rings in there.
 Phoebe: Ohh.
 Rachel: And umm, vintage handkerchiefs y'know  cause, people cry at
 weddings. (Starting to cry.) I'm just gonna grab a couple of these.
 Phoebe: This stuff is great!
 Rachel: Oh, I forgot this was in here. Umm, this was the uh garter that I was
 saving for my wedding and I wanted it to be Monica's something borrowed and it's
 blue. (Starts to cry again.) Yeah


 The One With Ross's Book
 The One With Ross's Book
 Written by: Scott Silveri
 Directed by: David Schwimmer
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is eating breakfast as Rachel enters, having just woken
 up.]
 Joey: Morning!
 Rachel: Hi! Oh, how was your date last night?
 Joey: Pretty good.
 Rachel: Oh good. (She walks to the closed bathroom door, opens it, and finds a
 naked woman wrapped in a towel.) Ahhh! My God, sorry! (She closes the door and confronts
 Joey.)
 Joey: Okay, really good. Anyway I gotta go; I'm late for work.
 Rachel: What-what?! You're gonna leave this person with me?!
 Joey: Yeah Hey, don't worry, she's a terrific girl. And hey
 listen, could you do me a favor? When she comes out could you just mention that I'm
 not looking for a serious relationship; that'd be great.
 Rachel: Why?! What?! Are you kidding?!
 Joey: Just casually slip it in, y'know lay the groundwork. Tell her uh,
 I'm a loner No! An outlaw! Tell her she doesn't want to get mixed up with
 the likes of me.
 Rachel: Y'know what? That's a lot to remember, can't I just tell
 her you're a pig?
 Joey: Hey, I'm gonna call her later! Honest! Oh come on, Chandler used to
 do it! He'd even make the girl pancakes! Plus, he'd make extras and leave
  em for me.
 Rachel: Well forget it, I'm not telling that girl anything. That is not my
 responsibility.
 Joey: Fine! (Pause) Now, where'd we land on those pancakes? (She chases him
 out the door as his date emerges from the bathroom.)
 Joey's Date: Hi!
 Rachel: Hi.
 Joey's Date: Sorry about that, but I couldn't get that lock to work on
 the door.
 Rachel: Yeah, Joey kinda disabled it when I moved in.
 Joey's Date: You must be Rachel, I'm Erin.
 Rachel: Hi.
 Erin: Hi. I don't mean this to sound like high school, but did he say
 anything about me?
 Rachel: (pause) Would you like some pancakes?
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: N.Y.U's University Library, Ross is entering with Chandler.]
 Chandler:  Come on! Why are we here?!
 Ross: Okay, okay take a guess.
 (An old woman pushes a cart full of books past.)
 Chandler: The hot chicks?
 Ross: Okay, okay, I was typing names into the library computer earlier,
 y'know-y'know for fun, and I typed mine in and guess what came up? My doctoral
 dissertation! It's here! Yeah, it's right-it's right down here! In the
 biggest library in the university! (They start heading that way, towards a secluded
 section behind the racks.)
 Chandler: Wow that's actually pretty cool.
 Ross: (stopping quickly) Oh umm, there's also a book here by a woman named
 Wendy Bagina. (They both laugh, but stop when the hear moaning coming from the next
 aisle.) What is that?
 Chandler: Sounds like two people are really enjoying the Dewey decimal system.
 (They go around the last row of bookshelves and find a couple doing what college coeds
 do in secluded corners of university libraries. For those of you who don't know what
 I'm talking about, let's just say that clothing is undone. Ross gasps and the
 couple gets up and runs away.)
 Female Student: (as they are moving past Ross) I'm so sorry!
 Male Student: Sorry!
 Chandler: You didn't bring  me here to do that, did you?
 [Scene: Monica's Restaurant Kitchen, Monica is cooking as a waitress enters
 carrying a plate of food that has been sent back.]
 Monica: She sent the chicken back again?!
 The Waitress: She says it's too dry now and she wants to come back here and
 explain to you exactly how she wants it.
 Monica: Well fine! I want to meet this chicken expert! Send the Colonel in!
 (The waitress lets her in as Monica is about to throw a lobster into a pot of boiling
 water (Although, she hasn't taken off the rubber bands that hold the claws, so she
 can't be that good a chef). Anyway, guess who the Colonel is by the
 following phrase.)
 The Colonel: OH MY GAWD!!!! (Yep, it's Janice.)
 Monica: (to the lobster) Lucky bastard! (Throws the lobster in and turns around
 to face the planet's most annoying woman, next to Dr. Laura and Kathy Lee Gifford of
 course. She's the most annoying female TV character however.) Janice.
 Janice: How are you Ms. Hot Shot chef with the big fancy restaurant with the
 best chicken ever! (Does the laugh.)
 Monica: I'm fine.
 Janice: (notices Monica's engagement ring) Ohh! What is that on your
 finger?! I'm blind!
 Monica: Oh  Uh
 Janice: So, who's the lucky guy?
 [Cut to Monica and Chandler's just after Monica has finished telling Chandler what
 happened.]
 Chandler: OH MY GAWD! I am so sorry sweetie, are you okay? You
 didn't tell her we were getting married, did you?
 Monica: Well, she saw the ring.
 Chandler: Did she freak out?
 Monica: Well, she was shocked when I told her, but then again so were most
 people.


Chandler: Right.
 Monica: Well, she actually has a boyfriend y'know herself, named Clark. Uh,
 she also kinda invited herself to our wedding. Clark too.
 Chandler: (laughs) You said no, right?
 Monica: Huh?
 Chandler: You said no, right?!
 Monica: Well, she cornered me! She asked if the wedding was in town! I mean, what
 was I supposed to do?!
 Chandler: Lie!!! How hard is that?! The check's in the mail! Oh your baby
 is so cute! I can't wait to read your book, Ross!!
 Monica: Come on! So she comes to the wedding! I mean it won't be so bad.
 Chandler: What do you think, she's just gonna sit there quietly? You
 don't think she's gonna want to make a toast? You don't think she's
 gonna want to grab the microphone and sing Part-time Lover?!
 Monica: Oh my God, she's not gonna like the chicken that night either, is
 she?!
 Chandler: Y'know what? It's gonna be okay. Y'know what?
 She's probably not gonna even want to come.
 Monica: Really?
 Chandler: No! That was a lie! See how easy that was?
 Monica: So-so you would've just lied?
 Chandler: Yes!!
 Monica: Would it really have been that easy?
 Chandler: Yes!!!
 Monica: Good, so do it Saturday night because we're going to dinner with
 her and Clark.
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is coming back from work to find Phoebe, Rachel, and
 someone else with her back turned, are there.]
 Joey: Hey! What's up?
 Phoebe and Rachel: Hey!
 Joey: Hey-hey, who's your friend? (Erin turns around to face Joey,
 startling him) Hey!!
 Erin: Hey Joey!
 Joey: Erin! Still here!
 Rachel: Yeah, we ended up spending the day together and had such a great time!
 Joey: Why wouldn't ya? Erin is great! Then-then there's you guys.
 Erin: Ohh, listen. I've got to get going. Today was great, thanks!
 Rachel: I know!
 Phoebe: Okay!
 Erin: Bye Joey. (Kisses him.) Last night was fun.
 Joey: Yeah. I'll uh, I'll call ya.
 Rachel: Oh and I'll call ya too!
 Erin: Or I'll call you!
 Phoebe: And call me!
 Joey: (to Erin) Okay, good to see you again.
 Erin: Bye.
 Joey: Bye-bye.
 Rachel: Bye!
 (Joey closes the door behind her.)
 Joey: So, system kinda broke down huh?!
 Rachel: Oh Joey, I'm sorry I just couldn't tell her all those things
 you wanted me to tell her. And y'know we got to talking and I
 Phoebe: We want you to marry her!
 Joey: What?!!
 Phoebe: She is so amazing! You have no idea.
 Joey: No idea? Who do you think brought her here?
 Rachel: Cupid.
 Phoebe: Joey, she's so cool. She speaks four languages.
 Joey: Man, do you know what guys want!
 Rachel: Look Joey, come on, she's so perfect for you! I mean, she's
 sweet, she-she likes baseball, and she-she had two beers at lunch.
 Joey: My beers?! Look you guys, she's a very nice girl. Okay? We had a good
 time, but I just I don't see it going anywhere.
 Phoebe: Yeah, but you always say that.
 Rachel: Yeah, maybe if you gave this girl a chance it would go somewhere.
 Joey: Look, I'm sorry you guys, I-I just don't think so.
 Phoebe: Whatever.
 Rachel: Fine. (They start to walk away.)
 Joey: Hey, don't start judging me! (To Rachel) Huh? You're the one
 who's in love with her assistant! (To Phoebe) Huh? And you, you're the one
 having the affair with the guy who keeps the pigeons on the roof!
 Rachel: Phoebe!
 Phoebe: Secret affair!
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Joey are there as Ross enters.]
 Ross: People are doing it in front of my book!
 Rachel: I'm sorry?
 Ross: My doctoral dissertation is in the library at school, I went to see it,
 and there were students makin' babies right in the middle of the Paleontology
 section!
 Rachel: Oh my God! Did you get to see anything good?
 Ross: Let me ask you something, at your school was there a like uh a place on
 campus where students went to uh, fool around.
 Rachel: Yeah, there was. It was there the corner of the library where-where
 all these dusty books that nobody ever read Yes, there was.
 Ross: Great! Because people kept showing up, I think it's like uh-a thing!
 Joey: Now hold on a second, fifth floor against that back wall?
 Ross: Oh for cryin' out loud! (He storms out.)
 Joey: All right, so we should go catch our movie.
 Rachel: Well now what's the rush?
 Joey: I like to see the previews. (Rachel looks at him.) The candy.
 Phoebe: (entering with Erin) Oh. Hey!
 Rachel: Well look who's here!
 Erin: Hey!
 Joey: Hey!
 Erin: Joey.
 Joey: Erin.
 Erin: Hey Rachel.
 Rachel: Hi! Well, we were just about to take off and see a movie. Oh no!
 Erin: What's wrong?
 Rachel: Oh Phoebe, we forgot that party we have to go to.


Phoebe: Oh no.
 Joey: (skeptical) What party?
 Phoebe and Rachel: A birthday party.
 Joey: Who's birthday party?
 Phoebe and Rachel:  Alison's birthday party.
 Joey: (still skeptical) Oh, and how old is Alison?
 Phoebe and Rachel: 32. (Joey's not buying it.)
 Rachel: (does a retching sound) Wait a minute! Why don't you guys do
 something?!
 Joey: (still skeptical) Yeah, look how that worked out.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: The Library, Ross enters and heads to the desk to talk to the male librarian on
 duty.]
 Ross: Excuse me. Hi, I'm a professor here. Do you know the Paleontology
 section, fifth floor, stack 437?
 The Librarian: Well, yes! Just give me five minutes, I just have to find someone
 to cover my shift.
 Ross: No! No!! No! Can I speak to someone in charge please?! (The librarian
 brings his boss over.)
 The Head Librarian: How can I help you?
 Ross: Hi, I was wondering if it is possible to increase security in the
 Paleontology section? See I-I wrote a book up there and instead of reading it people
 are-are-are well, rolling around in front of it.
 The Head Librarian: We are aware of the problem you are referring to. (He turns
 to look at the previous librarian.) But as far as increasing security, I'm afraid the
 library is very understaffed. I, I can't help you.
 Ross: Well, fine. Fine! If-if I'm the only person with any appreciation of
 the sanctity of the written word, I'll go up there and defend it myself! (Starts to
 do so, but stops and to the previous librarian) And don't you follow me!
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are doing dishes as Joey enters.]
 Joey: Hey.
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Rachel: How did it go with Erin?
 Joey: Oh, unbelievable! We had the best time!
 Phoebe: Yay!! Oh so, you're not, you're not mad at us anymore?
 Joey: No! No! No! You guys were totally right! This is so much better than the
 first time we went out. Y'know? That was so awkward, we were really nervous.
 Phoebe: Didn't you sleep together?
 Joey: Yeah, that really calms me down. And! We have so much in common! She loves
 sandwiches, sports, although she is a Met fan, not much of an issue now but if
 we were ever
 to have kids, well that's a
 Rachel: (gasps) Oh my God! Listen to you talkin' about having kids. Oh my
 Joey. (She goes over and hugs him.) Oh, please don't get married before I do.
 Joey: Okay.
 [Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are on their date with Janice and Clark,
 however Clark is a no show and Janice is crying the Mississippi River about it.]
 Janice: Oh. Oh I just cannot believe Clark stood me up!
 Monica: He might still show up.
 Janice: Oh, what are you, stupid? It's been three hours.
 Monica: Is that all?
 Janice: I should just go on to happier things, okay? Umm, why don't you
 tell about your lovely wedding?
 Chandler: Well actually uh, there was something we wanted to tell you about the
 wedding. Um, it's going to be a small ceremony. Uh, tiny! We're not even sure
 why we're having it.
 Monica: It's actually going to be just family.
 Janice: Oh wait you two think of me as family?! Oh, I have to ask you
 something now and be honest; do you want me to sing Careless Whisper or Lady In
 Red?
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is entering and arguing baseball with Erin. Phoebe and
 Rachel are already there.]
 Joey: How can you say that?! The Mets have no closer!
 Erin: What about Benitez?
 Joey: What about Game 1 of the Series?
 Erin: What about shut up?
 Joey: You shut up! (To Phoebe and Rachel) I love arguing with her. (To Erin)
 I'll be right back.
 Erin: Okay. (Joey goes to get some coffee and Erin sits down.)
 Rachel: So how's it goin' with Joey?
 Erin: Uh, okay.
 Rachel: Okay? Wait okay, tell-tell me that you like him, please? I mean tell me
 that you like him.
 Erin: Look, he's a really great guy and I know that you really want
 this to work out, but I just don't see this having a future.
 Rachel: But you said that you liked him! I mean what happened?! Did ya just
 change your mind?!
 Erin: Kinda.
 Phoebe: Then change it back!
 Erin: I'm sorry I  It's just there's no real spark.
 Phoebe: No spark? Didn't you sleep together?
 Erin: Yeah.
 Rachel: Ugh, tramp!
 Phoebe: Does Joey have any idea?
 Erin: I really don't think he does. And y'know what? Maybe you guys
 could help clue him in. Y'know, tell him I'm-I'm not interested in a
 serious relationship or something.
 Phoebe: Yeah, you mean like that you're kind of a loner.
 Erin: Yeah! That would be great!
 Phoebe: Yeah, and maybe that you're a real (She says something in Italian,
 and it doesn't matter what she said. It's not important so I don't need
 everyone who speaks Italian telling me what she said.)
 Erin: I'm sorry?


Phoebe: Oh well, I guess Italian isn't one of the four languages you speak.
 Joey: (returning) Hey! You wanna go?
 Erin: Yeah, let's go.
 Joey: Okay. See you guys later.
 Erin: Bye guys.
 Rachel: Yeah, see ya.
 Joey: (whispers to Phoebe and Rachel) Hey, thank you so much. (They both exit.)
 Rachel: Wow. Well, I guess it was Cupid who brought her here.
 Phoebe: No, just a regular old flying dwarf.
 [Scene: The library's Paleontology section, Ross is patrolling as a couple walks
 up.]
 Ross: Yes? Yes?! How can I help you?
 Guy: Yeah, we were we were just looking around.
 Ross: Oh-oh, you're-you're fellow scholars. What exactly were you
 looking for, hmm? Perhaps, (Grabs a book from the shelf behind him) perhaps Dr. Chester
 Stock's musings on the Smiledon Californicus?
 Guy: Uhh .
 Ross: Ah  Ah Get out of here! (The couple retreats. Ross starts
 looking through the previously mentioned book as a beautiful woman walks into the
 section.) Uh, meeting someone? Or-or are you just here to brush up on Marion's views
 on evolution?
 Woman: Uh, actually I find Marion's views far too progressionist.
 Ross: I find Marion's views far too progressionist.
 Woman: I'm sorry, who are you?
 Ross: I'm a professor here uh, Ross Geller.
 Woman: Ross Geller, why do I know that name? It's uh Wait! (Grabs his
 book off of the shelf.) Did you write this?
 Ross: Yes! You're the person who checked out my book?!
 Woman: Y'know, you look nothing like I would've thought.
 You're you're so young.
 Ross: Well I uh, I skipped forth grade.
 [Time Lapse, Ross and the woman are now in a state of partial undress and are standing
 in front of the head librarian with two security guards watching them.]
 Ross: I am very very sorry.
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel are watching TV as Joey enters.]
 Joey: Hey!
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Rachel: Hi!
 Phoebe: So how was, how was your date?
 Joey: Oh, it was great! I mean we walked all around the village. We went to this
 ice cream place, split a milkshake, 70/30 but still  And guess what, I'm
 thinking about taking her upstate to one of those bed and breakfasts.
 Phoebe: Oh really? She said she wants to go away with you?
 Joey: No-no-no-no-no! It's a surprise, but it's gonna be tricky
 though because she said she was gonna be pretty busy at work for a while.
 Phoebe and Rachel: Oh no, yeah.
 Rachel: Jo-Joey, look honey we-we need to talk okay? Umm, I kinda got the
 feeling from her today that uh, she's not lookin' for a serious relationship.
 Joey: Where are you gettin' this?
 Rachel: Well, she told me. She said she's kind of a loner.
 Joey: Oh. Oh.
 Rachel: Joey
 Joey: No hey Rach, it's cool okay? Y'know I'm a loner too! (Heads
 for his room.) Right?
 Phoebe: Hey Joey, y'know what? You are way too good for her.
 Rachel: Yeah and honey I promise next time that I will just say good-bye and
 tell  em you're not looking for a relationship.
 Joey: No! No. Don't do that, just next time make sure she really likes me.
 Rachel: Well that too. (Joey goes into his room.) Joey?
 Joey: Yeah?
 Rachel: Do you want some pancakes?
 Joey: (coming back out) Finally!
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica are sitting at the kitchen
 table and are still trying to decide what to do about Janice.]
 Monica: What are we gonna do?
 Chandler: I say we go with Careless Whisper.
 (There's a knock on the door and Janice enters.)
 Janice: Chandler?
 Chandler: (To Monica) Did she see us yet? Did she see us?
 Monica: Janice, what umm, what are you doing here?
 Janice: Well umm, I thought I was going to go back to my apartment but then I
 just felt I couldn't really be alone tonight. (Joey walks into view of the open door
 behind Janice, sees her, gets a terrified look on his face, and flees in horror.) I was
 wondering if I could maybe stay here with you, just I really feel that I need to be with
 family.
 Monica: (To Chandler) Our kids are gonna call her Aunt Janice aren't they?
 Janice: Please, it's because otherwise I really don't know what I
 might do.
 Chandler: Aren't you just a tinsy bit curious?
 Janice: (starting to cry) Do you have any tissues?
 Monica: Yeah, in-in-in the bathroom.
 Janice: Okay! (She runs for the bathroom)
 Monica: We'll just we'll just let her stay.
 Chandler: No-no-no-no, if we let her stay, she will stay forever!
 Monica: Kinda like your barcalounger.
 Chandler: Is that what you're thinking about right now?
 Monica: I never stop thinking about it.
 Janice: Hey you guys, umm do either one of you want to get in there before I
 take my bath.
 Chandler: Janice, I'm sorry but umm, you can't stay here tonight.
 Janice: Why not?


 The One Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
 The One Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
 Written by: Patty Lin
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 With Help from: Didi Chow
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is in the kitchen, Joey, Rachel, and
 Phoebe are sitting around the table writing on notepads, while Chandler is looking over
 their shoulders.]
 Ross: (entering) Hey everybody! Happy Thanksgiving!
 Chandler: No, no, no. No-no-no.
 Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe: Shhhh!
 Ross: What, are we keeping Thanksgiving a secret this year?
 Chandler: No, we're playing this game I learned at work. You have to name all
 the states in six minutes.
 Ross: What? That's like insanely easy!
 Chandler: Now, that's a lot harder than it sounds. You always forget at least
 one, or in some cases... fourteen (looks over to Monica).
 Monica: It's a stupid game and I wasn't playing against other people, so
 technically I didn't lose.
 Ross: What? You forgot fourteen states?
 Monica: Nobody cares about the Dakotas. (That's true in so many ways, trust
 me, I've lived in one and been to the other.)
 [Chandler's watch beeps]
 Chandler: Oh, okay, time's up!
 Rachel: All right, I got 48.
 Chandler: Oh that's not bad, Pheebs?
 Phoebe: Oh, I got tired of naming states. So I decided to list the types of
 celery, and I have one: regular celery.
 Chandler: Okay, so Rachel's got 48 and Phoebe has the lead in vegetables,
 Joey?
 Joey: Say hello to the new champ of Chandler's dumb states game.
 Ross: Wow, how many have you got?
 Joey: Fifty-six!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's. Ross is sitting in the couch doing Chandler's
 game. Chandler is sitting in his barcalounger. The girls are in the kitchen.]
 Joey: Hey! How is New England not a state? Huh? They have a sports
 team!
 Chandler: Does South Oregon have a sports-team? (Joey strikes one from his list)
 There you go.
 [Cut to the girls in the kitchen.]
 Rachel: (counting the place settings) How come we have one extra place setting?
 Monica: 'Cause you invited your assistant.
 Rachel: Oh, right. Sorry. But Tag's not coming; his girlfriend came into town,
 so he's spending Thanksgiving with her.
 Monica: Oh! Why didn't you tell me? I made him his own individual sweet potato
 stuffed pumpkin.
 Rachel: Well, I was going to, but then I figured, you know... your food is so
 delicious and perfect, you can never have too many of those pumpkin things.
 Monica: Now you think I wouldn't enjoy that, because it is so fake, (Laughs) but
 I still do.
 Phoebe: Regular Celery! (Starts to write that on her list) Oh, I already have
 that. (She gets up and heads for her room)
 Ross: Done! With time-a to spare.
 Chandler: Oooh that may be a New World's record (Looks at his watch and picks up
 Ross' pad)
 Ross: You know, I hate to lecture you guys, but it's kinda disgraceful, that a
 group of well-educated adults and Joey can't name all the states. Did you ever see a map,
 or one of those round, colorful things called 'a globe?' Hmm?
 Chandler: Uh, Magellan? You got 46 states. (Smiles and hands Ross back his pad)
 Ross: What? That's impossible.
 Joey: 46. Wow! Who's well educated now, Mr. I-forgot-ten-states?
 Monica: All right, I'm out of oven space. I'm gonna turn on Joey's. Please,
 watch him! Do not let Joey eat any of the food!
 Chandler: I am only one man! (Monica heads out) Okay Ross, time is up!
 Ross: No, just give me another minute.
 Chandler: Look Ross, if you don't know them by now, you will never know them,
 okay? That is the beauty of this game. It makes you want to kill yourself.
 Ross: This-this is crazy! I can do this! All right, uhh, I bet I can get all 50
 before dinner.
 Chandler: Okay, but if you can't no dinner!
 Ross: You're on!
 Joey: (gets up) All right. Don't look at my list, Ross, 'cause there's a lot on
 there that you don't have.
 Monica: (entering, to Joey and Rachel) Hey, did you guys know that your oven
 doesn't work?
 Joey: But the drawer full of take-out menus is okay, right?
 Monica: Ross, I'm gonna use yours, okay?
 Ross: Pshhshhh!
 Monica: Chandler? Can you give me a hand? (Grabs her jacket)
 Chandler: Sure, and Joey; do not let Ross look at any of the maps or the globe
 in your apartment.
 Joey: Don't worry, Chandler, it's not a globe of the United States.
 [Chandler and Monica head out with some stuff. Phoebe comes out of her room with a
 bag.]
 Phoebe: Hey you guys I'm gonna go out and take a walk.


Ross: Phoebe, why is your bag moving?
 Phoebe: Oh, it's not!
 Rachel: Seriously, it's moving!
 Joey: What the hell is in there?
 Phoebe: It's just my knitting that's all! (A dog sticks its head out of Phoebe's
 bag. Everyone looks puzzled.) Yes! I knit this. I'm very good.
 [Scene: Ross' apartment, Monica and Chandler enter.]
 Monica: Ross's apartment is nice! How come we don't hang out here more
 often?
 Chandler: I don't know. Maybe it's because it smells a little weird. It's like
 old pumpkins or something.
 Monica: That's my pie!
 Chandler: Which smells delicious!
 Monica: Uh-oh! Uh-oh!
 Chandler: What?
 Monica: We left Joey alone with the food! (Walks towards the window and looks
 out) Yep! Yep, I knew it! There he is... feeding stuffing to a dog!
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Ross is still doing his list. Rachel and Joey
 are feeding the dog as the phone rings.]
 Phoebe: (answering the phone) Hi Geller-Bing residence. How can I help?
 Monica: Phoebe, why is there a dog in our apartment?
 Phoebe: I'm sorry, who's this?
 Monica: Phoebe, there's a dog sitting on my couch!
 Chandler: Tell her, I'm allergic, and I will sue!
 Phoebe: No, there's no dog here?
 Monica: Yes there is! He's black and white and shaggy and [Cut to Monica's
 apartment] he's sitting next to Rachel and licking Rachel's hand.
 Phoebe: Oh my god! Where are you? (Looks around.)
 Monica: I'll be right there!
 Phoebe: (Phoebe hangs up and someone knocks on the door. She gasps.) They're
 here already? How are they doing this?
 Rachel: (gets up and opens the door) Hi Tag! What are you doing here?
 Tag: I, uh, wanted to see if your offer to spend Thanksgiving with you is still
 good.
 Rachel: Well, sure! Come in! (He enters) Well, what-what happened to your
 girlfriend?
 Tag: We kinda broke up this morning.
 Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry.
 Tag: Yeah, so she went back to Ohio.
 Ross: Ohio!! Thank you!
 [Time lapse, Chandler and Monica enter.]
 Chandler: Huh! Where is the dog?!
 Ross: What dog? There-there's no dog here.
 Joey: Yeah that dog left!
 Monica: (walks to Phoebe's door) Phoebe! Phoebe, open up!
 Phoebe: There's no dog in here.
 [The dog barks.]
 Chandler: Phoebe, we can hear the dog barking!
 Phoebe: No that's just me coughing! (Doing some weird coughing noises and the
 dog barks again. Phoebe comes out of the room.) Oh, good, there you are! Listen, um, I
 have a dog in my room.
 Chandler: What is it doing here?
 Phoebe: Well, I'm watching it for some friends who went out of town. Wait. (She
 bends down, picks up the dog, and waves with one of its paws) Hello, my name is Clunkers.
 May I please stay with you nice people?
 Monica: Oooh, I wish she could stay here, but Chandler is allergic!
 Chandler: Extremely allergic, okay? If I'm anywhere near a dog for more than 5
 minutes, my throat will just close up!
 Phoebe: That's odd, 'cause this dog's been living here for the past 3 days
 Chandler: (gasping) Really?
 Monica: Chandler, if that dog's been here that long, and you haven't had a
 reaction, maybe you're not allergic to this dog?
 Chandler: Well, it still has to go, right?
 Monica and Phoebe: Why?
 Chandler: Okay, it's um
 Joey: (interrupting him) Don't do it!
 Monica: Don't do what?
 Chandler: (to Joey) I have to! Okay? It's time! (Joey shrugs as if to say,
 'Do what you have to do') Okay, I hate dogs.
 All: What?
 Phoebe: Are you crazy?
 Ross: Are you out of your mind?
 Phoebe: Why?
 Joey: Told ya. (Waves bye-bye.)
 Chandler: They are needy, they are jumpy, and you can't tell what they are
 thinking, and that scares me a little bit.
 Ross: Right, they are scary. (He jumps up, screaming) Ahh, she just ate a treat
 out of my hand!!!
 Rachel: Wait a minute. Do you not like all dogs? I mean, not even puppies?
 Chandler: (scared) Is there a puppy here?
 Tag: You don't like puppies?
 Chandler: (to Tag) Okay, you are new!
 Joey: Look, Chandler, I told you, never tell anyone about this dog thing. It's
 like Ross not likin' ice cream.
 Phoebe: You don't like ice cream?
 Ross: It's too cold.
 Chandler: Okay, it's just that dogs make me a little uncomfortable.
 Ross: (to Phoebe) It hurts my teeth.
 Chandler: And I don't wanna say this, I don't want you guys to hate me, but uh, I
 don't think, I can be around that dog anymore. Okay, so either the dog goes, or I go. (An
 awkward silence ensues.) Oh my god!!
 [Time lapse, Ross is still doing Chandler's game. Tag is heading for the balcony.]


Ross: How can I not get this? I'm a college professor; I got 1450 on my S.A.T.s.
 Monica: 1250.
 Ross: Damn, I forgot you were here.
 Phoebe: All right. We're gonna take Clunkers to Ross's. We'll be back in a
 minute. (Gets up with Monica to do so.)
 Rachel: Oh, wait before you guys go, can I just ask you a question?
 Monica: Yeah.
 Rachel: When a guy breaks up with his girlfriend, what is an appropriate amount
 of time to wait before you make a move?
 Phoebe: Oh, I'd say about a month.
 Monica: Really? I'd say 3 to 4.
 Joey: Half hour. (Rachel turns to look at him and he nods yes.)
 Rachel: Interesting.
 Monica: When it's your assistant, I would say never.
 Joey: All right, Rach, the big question is, does he like you? All right? Because
 if he doesn't like you, this is all a moo-point.
 Rachel: Huh. A moo-point?
 Joey: Yeah, it's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo.
 Rachel: (to Monica and Phoebe) Have I been living with him for too long, or did
 that all just make sense?
 Monica: Please, don't listen to Joey, okay. Would you look at him? He-he's
 obviously depressed. He's away from his family; he's spending Thanksgiving with strangers.
  What he needs right now is for you to be his friend.
 Rachel: You're right, I'm sorry. Thank you. Okay, that's what I'm gonna do.
 Joey: Fine! Take their advice. No one ever listens to me. When the package is
 this pretty, no one cares what's inside.
 [Cut to the balcony, Tag is looking down while Rachel enters.]
 Rachel: Hey!
 Tag: Hey.
 Rachel: How are you holding up?
 Tag: Not bad.
 Rachel: Yeah? I'm sorry about your girlfriend.
 Tag: Thanks.
 Rachel: So were you guys together a long time?
 Tag: A year. On and off. I kinda thought we'd end up together. I don't anymore.
 Rachel: Now that she broke up with you?
 Tag: Yeah.
 Rachel: Yeah. Hmmmm.
 Tag: It's weird. I always used to assume, that I would meet someone and fall in
 love and be happy and all that was just a given. But lately it's like what if it's not. Do
 you ever have that feeling?
 Rachel: No Yeah, all the time, constantly. It's terrifying. But you know
 that I figure it it has to work out.
 Tag: Why?
 Rachel: Because, uh it has to.
 Tag: You have all the answers, don't you?
 Rachel: Yeah, I know, I do. I really do.
 Tag: Hey, thanks for talking to me.
 Rachel: Well, what is a boss for? Hug it out! (They hug)
 Joey: (through the window) All right, he likes you back! Huh? Told ya, you
 should go for it!
 Tag: What?
 Joey: (realizes what he said) Street noise drowned any of that out? (Rachel
 moves madly towards him) No, all right, I see you later, okay... (Turns away embarrassed)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: The Balcony, continued from earlier.]
 Tag: What did Joey say? I like you back?
 Rachel: Uh, yeah, well, see, he  Joey knows, that I'm-I'm very insecure
 about my back and, and you're hugging me, so obviously you are not repulsed by it,
 yeah!
 Tag: Wait-wait a minute; that doesn't make any sense.
 Rachel: No? (He shakes his head) All right, here's the truth um, Joey said what
 he said, because um, I'm attracted to you.
 Tag: Wow. (He starts to walk towards the railing.)
 Rachel: Yeah, I admit it. I have a crush on you, and uh, and, and I know that's
 crazy because we work together, and-and nothing could ever happen, and the last thing I
 want to do is-is to freak you out or make you feel uncomfortable. Which is why it would be
 really great if you said something right about now.
 Tag: (looking at the street) Oh my god! Those guys are stealing my car! (He
 points down to the street)
 Rachel: What?
 Tag: Right there! That's my car! (Sound of a breaking car-window) Hey!!
 Rachel: Okay, that's gonna take them a minute. Do you have anything else you
 wanna get off your chest?
 Tag: I can't believe this! (He walks back in again)
 Rachel: (she hurries after him) Wait, we still have time to talk and
 they're-they're not even in the car yet! (She takes a quick look down the street.) Oh
 look, there they go, okay. (She hurries in too)
 [Scene: Ross' apartment, Monica and Phoebe sitting on the floor next to Clunkers
 basket.]
 Monica: Okay Phoebe, we should probably go back now.
 Phoebe: (doing Clunkers) Please don't leave me, I'll be lonely.
 Monica: Stop it. Stop! Okay let's go. We can be strong.


Phoebe: Yeah, okay.
 [They both get up and head for the door. Clunkers whines a little]
 Monica: Oh my god! Did you hear that? She said Monica! (She goes back to
 Clunkers again) Oooh, I can't leave her!
 Phoebe: You know if you want, we can sneak the dog back in and Chandler wouldn't
 even know.
 Monica: That's not gonna work.
 Phoebe: I've had that dog there for three days and Chandler had no idea. He's
 not so smart.
 Monica: Hey! I didn't know either.
 Phoebe: Yeah, but you kinda knew that something was going on, didn't you?
 Monica: Yeah, I knew.
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's. Ross lays a lot of small papers, shaped like
 the U.S. states onto the floor making a map with the states. Phoebe enters]
 Phoebe: Where's Chandler?
 Chandler: (comes out of the bathroom) Here I am.
 Phoebe: Wash your hands!!!
 Chandler: How did you know? (Heads back into the bathroom)
 [Phoebe waves Monica in. Monica sneaks in with the bag with Clunkers in it and heads
 for Phoebe's room.]
 Ross: Hey! What's she doing back here?
 Monica: Relax, Ross. She's not made of ice cream!
 Ross: Hey look, Phoebe. I, uh, I laid out the states geographically...
 Phoebe: (interrupts him) No, no, we don't really have time for this right now.
 Okay, we have to keep Chandler away from my bedroom.
 Ross: Yeah, but, but look what I'm...
 Phoebe: See, this is exactly what we do not have time for. (She rushes into her
 room)
 Chandler: (comes out of the bathroom) Where's Monica?
 Ross: Um, in Phoebe's room. You can't go in there.
 Chandler: Why not?
 (We can hear the dog whining at a high pitch.)
 Ross: Monica's crying. She's very upset about this whole Clunkers thing.
 Chandler: Well, I, I should go in there.
 Ross: No. No, no. She doesn't want to see you right now.
 Chandler: Why not?
 Ross: Because you sent away the dog!
 Chandler: This is ridiculous. (He heads for Phoebe's bedroom)
 Ross: Oh, is it? Is it? Look, when Monica and I were kids, we had a dog
 named Rover. And, uh, one day, my dad decides, he doesn't like dogs. So Monica and her
 friend Phyllis take away the dog. And that was the last time we ever saw him.
 Don't you see? This is just like that. Only with a few details changed.
 Joey: (entering) Okay, I'm in my sweat pants. Bring on the food! (Sees that
 Chandler has a worried look on his face) What's the matter?
 Chandler: Monica's all upset, because I sent Clunkers away.
 Joey: So? Bring the dog back, you're a hero.
 Chandler: Yeah, I can be a hero, I could do that. I could, I could do... I,
 w-w-what if, what if it attacks me?
 Joey: Chandler, it's like a big gerbil.
 Chandler: And that doesn't scare you? (He walks out)
 Joey: Ross, you need some help?
 Ross: From you? (He does a weird desperate laughter, like he's almost crying)
 Yes, please!
 Joey: (sits down next to Ross) First of all, Utah? Dude, you can't just make
 stuff up!
 [Time lapse, Ross still laying a lot out the states.]
 Ross: I hate America! When I finish this game, I swear I am moving.
 [Joey stands up again. Rachel enters the door]
 Joey: Hey! Tag's still talking to the police.
 Rachel: Yeah, ohh! Why, damnit, why did I open my mouth? (In a girlish voice) I
 have a crush on you; I am attracted to you. (Back to normal again) Gee, I-I know that I
 freaked him out
 Joey: If you said it like that, you probably did, yeah.
 [Rachel walks past Joey towards the couch]
 Phoebe: (opens her bedroom door and peeks out) Hey, is Chandler here?
 Chandler: No, no he went for a walk.
 Phoebe: Okay, but you cannot tell him... but look who's back!
 [The dog barks, runs out of Phoebe's room and jumps onto the couch]
 Rachel: (gasps) Hi!
 Joey: Oh No-no-no-no-no-no-no! He went over to Ross' to bring the dog back here!
 Phoebe: Oh no, the dog's not going to be there!
 Joey: You think?
 [The door opens and Chandler comes in. Rachel covers the door with a blanket]
 Monica: Hi, honey.
 Chandler: Please, please, please, don't be mad at me.
 Monica: What? Why, why would...
 Phoebe: (interrupts her, to Monica) Shh, wait and see. Maybe we will, maybe we
 won't.
 Chandler: Okay, I went over to Ross' apartment to bring back Clunkers.
 Y'know, for you, and (Clears his throat) I left the door open and she must have
 gotten out and I looked everywhere, all over the apartment, including the roof,
 which FYI Ross, one of your neighbors, growing weed. I couldn't find him, and I am so, so,
 so, sorry. But I do know where we could all go ease the pain. (Points up and then
 over to the street)


 The One With All The Candy
 The One With All The Candy
 Written by: Wil Calhoun
 Directed by: David Schwimmer
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Park, Ross is teaching Ben how to ride a bike. Chandler, Monica, and
 Phoebe are there also.]
 Ben: (on the bike) I'm ready!
 Ross: You sure?
 Ben: Uh-huh!
 Chandler: Okay, let me just straighten out your helmet there. (Does so.)
 Ben: (To Chandler) Thanks daddy.
 Ross: No-no, one daddy, two mommies. All right, it's all yours.
 (Ross pushes him off.)
 Chandler: Okay. Okay.
 Ross: Yes! Yes! Yes!! (Everyone stands and claps.)
 Phoebe: His first big kid's bike, this is so exciting!
 Monica: Oh yeah, I remember mine! Ohh, it was my sixth birthday, my dad took me
 to the park, I got it, and it bent.
 Ross: Yeah.
 Phoebe: I never had a bike of my own.
 Ross: (shocked) What?!
 Phoebe: Well, we didn't have a lot of money. But the girl across the street
 had the best bike! It was pink and it had rainbow colored tassels hanging off the
 handle grips, and-and-and a bell and this big, white wicker basket with those
 plastic daisies stuck on.
 Chandler: That sounds like my first bike. (They all turn and look at him.) My
 dad gave me his old one.
 Ross: Ohh.
 Monica: Did the girl ever let you ride it?
 Phoebe: No! But she gave me the box that it came in. It had a picture of the
 bike on the front. (They're all speechless) So I would sit on it and my step-dad
 would drag me around the backyard.
 Ross: That is so unfair!
 Phoebe: Not really, I got to drag him around too! (They all nod,
 'Oh.')
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is cooking, Joey is eating, and Chandler
 is entering from the bedroom.]
 Chandler: Hey! What are you guys doing?
 Joey: Hey.
 Monica: Making holiday candy for the neighbors.
 Chandler: I'm sorry, who?
 Monica: I'm gonna hang this basket (Points to the one sitting on the table)
 on the door and when the neighbors walk by they can all take a piece.
 Chandler: But we don't know the neighbors.
 Joey: I do. There's uh, let's see, Guy With a Mustache, Smokes-A-Lot
 Lady, Some Kids I've Seen, and A Red-haired Guy Who Does Not Like To Be Called Rusty.
 Monica: See? This is exactly why I'm making this candy. We can learn
 their names and get to know our neighbors.
 Chandler: Wouldn't it be easier if we just moved?
 Rachel: (entering, happily) Gooood morning!!
 Chandler: Eh, somebody's in a good mood!
 Rachel: Well, why shouldn't I be? I have great friends! I have a wonderful
 job!
 Monica: Where you can make out with your assistant.
 Rachel: Come on, it's not a big deal! We stayed up all night coming up with
 a plan so that us dating will not be a problem.
 Monica: Oh yeah, what's the plan?
 Rachel: (pauses as she thinks and exhales loudly) We  We are not
  going to let it  be a problem.
 Monica: Wow! It took you all night to come up with that plan?!
 Rachel: Well y'know, we did other stuff too. (Joey and Chandler start to
 giggle.)
 Monica: Did you two
 Rachel: Oh Monica come on, y'know I don't sleep with guys on the first
 date!
 Monica: Matt Guire, Mark Lynn, Ben Wire
 Rachel: Anymore!!
 Monica: Okay.
 [Scene: Rachel's Office, she's at her desk while the mailman delivers her
 mail and calls Tag in.]
 Rachel: Hi. Tag, I have a conference call today is that correct?
 Tag: Yes, at 4:00.
 Rachel: Okay, thank you. That'll be all. (The mail guy leaves and Tag
 starts to follow, but Rachel stops him.) (Excitedly) Wait! Wait! (Rushes over and closes
 the office-door.) Did you see that? That mail guy had no idea there was something going on
 between us. (They kiss.)
 Tag: I'd better get back to my desk.
 Rachel: Okay, you hard worker! I'll remember to put that in your
 evaluation.
 Tag: My what?
 Rachel: Well, you've been here for two months now and your boss is required
 to hand in a performance evaluation. But y'know, there is one thing that I have yet
 to evaluate. (She turns around and sweeps the stuff off of her desk and hops up onto it.)
 Tag: Are you serious?
 Rachel: No, I've just always wanted to do that. Can you help me clean this
 up?
 [Scene: The Hallway, Monica and Chandler are returning and Monica finds her basket is
 empty.]
 Monica: The basket is totally empty! My God, the neighbors ate all the candy!
 Chandler: Well, either that or uh (Motions towards Joey's door.)
 Monica: Joey!!
 (She storms into his apartment to find him with a towel around his shoulders, a bowl on
 his head, and Phoebe with scissors in her hand.)


Joey: Yeah?
 Monica: Did you eat all the neighbor candy?!
 Joey: Uh well yeah, that was the plan, but by the time I got to it there was
 only a couple of pieces left!
 Phoebe: Yeah, and they've been coming by all day. They love it!
 Monica: They love my candy? Oh man!!! I've gotta go make more!! (Starts to
 do so.)
 Joey: Hey Mon, you might wanna make some more lasagna too, because something
 might've happened to a huge chunk of it.
 (Ross enters.)
 Monica: Ross! The neighbors ate all my candy!!
 Ross: Mine stole my newspaper! It's like a crime wave!! (Monica runs
 to make more candy.) Pheebs, you uh, you got a second.
 Phoebe: Sure!
 Ross: Yeah, ever since you uh, told me that story about that bike I-I
 couldn't stop thinking about it. I mean, everyone should have a-a first bike,
 so
 (He goes out into the hall and re-enters with a bike exactly like the one Phoebe
 described earlier.)
 Phoebe: (gasps) Oh my God Ross!!
 Ross: You like it?
 Phoebe: I love it!!
 Ross: Yeah?
 Phoebe: Ohh!! Ohh!! And I love you!
 Ross: Ahh.
 Phoebe: Not that way! But the bike brought you a lot closer!
 Ross: Ah! (She hugs him.) Well uh-uh, t-take it downstairs, y'know give it
 a test ride.
 Phoebe: Okay! Oh my God! My first bike! Thank you for the best present I've
 ever gotten.
 Ross: (stunned at the compliment) You're welcome.
 Phoebe: (starts to leave, but stops) Oh and Chandler's about to cry.
 Chandler: (about to cry) Am not!
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, the middle of the night, there is someone
 knocking on the door and Monica and Chandler get up to answer it.]
 Monica: (turning a light on) Who is that?!
 Chandler: Don't worry, I'm brave! I am brave! I I am brave! (They
 get to the door and Monica goes to open it.) No-no-no-no!! (He stops her.) (Through the
 door.) Can you tell me who is there please?
 The Knocker: My name is Gary, I live upstairs.
 (Monica opens the door.)
 Gary: Hi!
 Monica: Hi. Do you know what time it is?
 Gary: It's candy time! My roommate says that they taste like little drops
 of heaven.
 Monica: Oh please! (To Chandler) Did you hear that? Little drops of heaven.
 Chandler: (laughs) 4:00 A.M.
 Gary: So, can I get some candy?
 Chandler: I am sorry, but some of us have to get up early and go to work!
 (Monica looks at him) (To Monica) He does not know that I am not some of us.
 Monica: Umm, listen I am sorry, but I'll put some out first thing in the
 morning.
 Gary: Well okay, I'll swing by later. Do you live in this building?
 Monica: Um-hmm.
 Gary: (looking at Monica.) Mm! Seems like I would've remembered you!
 Chandler: Mm! Night Gar'! (Monica closes the door.)
 [Scene: Rachel's Office, she's slinking out to where Tag works and checks to
 make sure no one is coming.]
 Rachel: (hugging him) So did you read your evaluation yet?
 Tag: No! It was marked confidential, I just sent it down to Human Resources.
 Rachel: (worried) Okay please, you're kidding right?! I wrote that one as a
 joke for you!
 Tag: A joke they would appreciate?
 Rachel: I'm thinkin' no.
 Tag: What did you say?!
 Rachel: Umm, I said I thought you were a good kisser, and uh, and that I like
 your tiney-tiny tushie.
 Tag: No, not my tushie.
 Rachel: Well, it gets worse. When asked if you take initiative I wrote,
 'Yes, he was able to unhook my bra with minimal supervision,' and under Problems
 with Performance I wrote, 'Dear God, I hope not,' and then uh, then I drew a
 little smiley face, and then a small pornographic sketch.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, Ross, and Chandler are watching Phoebe polish the
 daisies on her bike outside.]
 Monica: Ross! That is so sweet of you to get Phoebe that bike! When I heard the
 story, I almost cried.
 Joey: Almost cried huh? Hear that Chandler? Almost cried!
 Chandler: Hey, you cry every time somebody talks about Titanic!
 Joey: (about to cry) Those two only had each other!
 Ross: Phoebe really likes the bike huh?
 Monica: Oh yeah! I saw her walkin' it down the street the other day. She
 had uh, these flowers in the basket. It was so cute.
 Joey: Yeah, I saw her this morning walkin' it by the park.
 Ross: Wait a minute, she was walking the bike? Both times?
 [Cut to outside, they're going to talk to Phoebe about walking the bike.]
 Joey: Hey Pheebs?
 Phoebe: Oh hi!
 Chandler: Hey! So are you enjoying the bike?
 Phoebe: Ohh, uh-huh so much!
 Ross: Pheebs you uh you do know how to ride a bike don't you?
 Phoebe: Of course!
 Monica: Umm, can we see you ride it?


Phoebe: Okay. (The gang is giggles then as Phoebe gets the bike out of the rack,
 gets on, pushes off, rolls a few feet, and falls over.) See?
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is making candy while Chandler and
 Rachel are taste-testing and Joey is on the couch doodling.]
 Monica: See, this is why I told you never get involved with your assistant! And
 there is no such thing as keeping secrets when it comes to affairs. (To Chandler) Did you
 hear that Chandler? No such thing!
 Chandler: (with his mouth full) What happened? I'm just eating candy.
 Rachel: Maybe it's not as bad as I think. Y'know, maybe they
 didn't take it the way I meant it.
 Chandler: Absolutely! Y'know, because tushie can mean both ass and good
 worker.
 Rachel: Ugh, I just gotta get the thing back!
 Joey: Hey Rach?
 Rachel: Yeah?
 Joey: That sketch you mentioned? Might it have looked a little something like
 this? (He shows her what he's been drawing.)
 Rachel: Oh my God! Joey!
 Chandler: What is the matter with you?
 Rachel: Ugh!
 Joey: Boy I tell ya, this little talent came in handy before I could afford
 porn.
 (There is a knock on the door and Monica answers it. There is a woman standing there.)
 The Woman: Hi! I'm sorry, I know it's after hours but I really need
 candy.
 Monica: I'm sorry, I can't help you. See? (Points to her new sign.)
 Rules are rules.
 The Woman: Please! I have people coming from out of town today! And, I told them
 all about your candy!
 Monica: No kidding, out of towners huh? What did you tell  em?
 The Woman: I told  em your candy is absolutely indescribable!
 Monica: Some people have been saying its y'know little drops of heaven, but
 whatever.
 The Woman: Please, can't you help me out?
 Joey: (watching the discussion) Hey Chandler, do we know that lady?
 Chandler: Maybe, isn't she the woman who lives below you and has sex really
 loud?
 Monica: (still talking to the woman) All right, I'll do it just this once!
 But you can't tell anybody!
 The Woman: (exasperatedly) Yes! Yes! Please, just give it to me!
 Joey and Chandler: Yeah, that's her.
 The Woman: (after Monica gives her the candy) Thank you.
 Monica: (closing the door) It's unbelievable! I-I can't believe that
 sign didn't work!
 Chandler: Y'know what would work?
 Monica: Hmm?
 Chandler: Stop making candy!
 Monica: But they like it!
 Chandler: You mean they like you.
 Monica: Maybe.
 Chandler: Is that why you became a chef? So that people would like you?
 Monica: Oh, you really want to talk about getting people to like you huh, funny
 man? (Joey laughs but stops when Chandler turns to glare at him.)
 [Scene: Central Park, Ross is teaching Phoebe how to ride her bike.]
 Ross: Okay, now just remember everything I taught you and you'll be fine.
 Okay? Here we go. Ready Set
 Phoebe: (hopping off the bike) Wait! This seat is really uncomfortable! Yeah,
 maybe before we start we should just get another one. Perhaps, like an airplane
 seat or a beanbag chair!
 Ross: Phoebe, you can't get out of this! Okay? You have to learn how
 to ride a bike!
 Phoebe: Why? Why do I have to learn?
 Ross: Well In-in case of emergency.
 Phoebe: What kind of an emergency?
 Ross: Well let there what if a man comes along and puts a gun to your head
 and says, 'You ride this bike or I'll sh I'll shoot you.'
 Phoebe: Okay, I would ring the bell to distract him and then I would knock the
 gun out of his hand with a Chinese throwing star.
 Ross: Okay, Phoebe just-just get-get on the bike and Hey! I'll hold
 you up and-and push you. Okay?
 Phoebe: You won't let go?
 Ross: No!
 Phoebe: Swear?!
 Ross: I swear!
 Phoebe: (thinks it over) Okay.
 Ross: Come on. (She gets on the bike.) All right, here we go. All right? (They
 start.)
 Phoebe: All right.
 Ross: All right. Feel good?
 Phoebe: Well
 Ross: All right, try pedaling.
 Phoebe: Okay. (Does so.)
 Ross: That's it, your doing great.
 Phoebe: Okay.
 Ross: Doing great! Yes-yes-yes! Take control! Yes!
 Phoebe: Weee!!! (Ross pushes her and lets go.)
 Ross: Yes!! Yes!!! (He starts clapping and Phoebe turns around to look at him
 and falls off the bike.)
 Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh no!! You swore!
 Ross: I-I just thought you were doing so well. I
 Phoebe: I am shocked! Shocked!! (She storms off leaving Ross to defend himself
 from the angry looks from onlookers.)
 Ross: It's a legitimate learning technique. (Looking around and seeing the
 woman behind him glaring at him.) Wow!
 [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is making candy like mad as Ross
 enters.]
 Ross: Hey, there's uh, some people outside, askin' about candy.


Monica: Well, they're just gonna have to wait aren't they? I've
 only got two hands!!
 Ross: Need some help?
 Monica: No! You don't know the system! There'll be nobody messing with
 the system!
 Ross: By the way, the week before your wedding you may not see a lot of me. (She
 glares at him and he quickly makes his way to Phoebe's room.)
 [Cut to Phoebe's room, Phoebe has put her helmet on one of her teddy bears and is
 playing around with it. Ross knocks and pokes his head in the door.]
 Phoebe: (seeing him) Oh, hello liar.
 Ross: (entering) Look, I-I'm really sorry I let go of the bike.
 Phoebe: I could've been killed I hope you know!
 Ross: I know. I know. But, can we please try it again? Huh? I mean, you were so
 close Phoebe!
 Phoebe: Well, I would love to but the bike got stolen and the police have
 no suspects. (Ross just happens to have his hand on a sheet that is covering something
 that suspiciously looks like a bike.)
 Ross: Phoebe.
 Phoebe: What?! (Ross rings the bell.) What the hell?!
 Ross: All right, y'know what? If you are not going to learn how to ride
 this bike then I'm sorry, I'm just gonna have to take it back.
 Phoebe: What?! Why?!
 Ross: Because! Because, it-it-it's  It'd be like you having this
 guitar (Points to hers) and-and never playing it. Okay, this guitar wants to be
 played! And-and this bike wants to be ridden and-and if you don't ride it
 you-you're-you're killing its spirit! (Pause) The bike is dying.
 Phoebe: All right. If you care enough to make up that load of crap, okay.
 Ross: Great! Great! (He runs to the door.) You're making the bike very
 happy.
 Phoebe: (sarcastically) Okay Ross! (Ross exits and she says quietly to the bike)
 Please don't die!
 [Scene: Rachel's office, Tag and her are planning how to get the review back.]
 Rachel: Okay, I think we can get the evaluation back before they see it, but
 we're gonna have to get into Mr. Zelner's office. Now, he doesn't get in
 until 10, so he's no problem, but his assistant, Betty, she comes in early to eat her
 breakfast at her desk.
 Tag: That's kinda sad.
 Rachel: Yeah, well Betty is kinda sad. Which is why I believe I can lure her
 away with these chocolates. (Holding up the box of chocolates.) Now, while I distract her,
 you get in the office.
 Tag: Got it!
 Rachel: Let's roll!
 (They start towards the door but are stopped when Mr. Zelner enters.)
 Mr. Zelner: Hello Rachel, you uh, got a minute?
 Rachel: (worried and shocked) Yeah, sure Mr. Zelner, for you
 anything minute. Okay. Fine. (To Tag) Abort the plan, abort the plan. (She start to
 usher Tag out.)
 Mr. Zelner: Uh actually, I'd like to speak with both of you.
 Rachel: Okay. Uh, well can we, can we get you anything Mr. Zelner? Maybe some
 chocolates? (Holds up the box.)
 Mr. Zelner: Umm, no. Thanks, but I'll give these to Betty. (Rachel glances
 at Tag to say, 'See?') So I read your evaluation of Tag, or to use his full
 name, Tag Sweetcheeks Jones. Is something going on with you two?
 Rachel: (laughs) Oh my God. Can you imagine if there was?! I mean, (getting
 serious) what would happen exactly.
 Mr. Zelner: Well, I'd be forced to file a report. I'd have to consult
 with the legal department, and your future at the company would be in jeopardy.
 Rachel: Well
 Tag: (interrupting) Uh Mr. Zelner, I'm the one who filled in that
 evaluation.
 Rachel: Oh no-no-no
 Tag: (interrupting again) Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah, I thought it would be funny.
 Mr. Zelner: You wrote that you have a cute tushie?
 Tag: (pause) Yes. I have a weird sense of humor, and I'm kinda
 strangely proud of my butt.
 Mr. Zelner: It's kind of a risky joke Tag, and what is-what is this drawing
 I can't figure out what this is?
 Rachel: You're lookin' at it upside down y'know what? (Grabs
 the evaluation and throws it out.) It doesn't matter.
 Mr. Zelner: Yeah, it's not like I don't have a sense of humor, huh?
 Hell, I even enjoy a naughty limerick now and then. But there's a time and a place,
 huh?! Unless you uh, have a limerick right now? (They both nod no.) No? Okay, well uh,
 you've (Grabs the chocolates.) got my fax number. (Exits.)
 Rachel: Whoa! I can't believe you did that. That was really sweet.
 Tag: No, don't worry about it.
 Rachel: No, you could've lost your job.
 Tag: Are you kidding me?! With a cute butt like this, I'd find work.
 Rachel: Thank you! You're great! (They kiss.)
 Tag: Y'know what?
 Rachel: What?
 Tag: I feel great. (Rachel laughs) In fact! (Walks over to her desk, sweeps its
 contents onto the floor and Rachel just glares at him.) What?