Phoebe: (To Joey) Okay quick, help me get this off! (Motions to her top.)
 Joey: Yeah!!
 (Ross pans the camera over to Phoebe.)
 [Scene: Phoebe's birthday, she's telling everyone what she found out at
 Ursula's while sitting in Central Perk.]
 Phoebe: I lost a whole year! I can't believe it! This is so unfair!
 Joey: Oh, I don't know Pheebs. It'll be okay.
 Phoebe: Will it? Will it?! I mean, how would you feel if you found out you were
 31?
 Joey: That's not gonna happen. No. (Looks up) Because we have a new deal!
 Phoebe: Plus, it totally ruined my schedule! I I haven't done any of
 the things I wanted to do by the time I was 31!
 Joey: Like what?
 Phoebe: Like okay I-I-I, I haven't met any Portuguese people! I, I
 haven't had the perfect kiss! And I haven't been to sniper's school!
 Monica: Phoebe, y'know why don't we just go upstairs and have some
 birthday cake?
 Phoebe: No, I just feel like being by myself for a while. All right? I'll
 see you guys later. Thanks. (Gets up and exits.)
 Rachel: Hey. (After she leaves.) Oh, poor Pheebs.
 Joey: Hey, y'know what you guys? I think I'm gonna go walk her home.
 (Gets up and runs out.)
 Monica: Oh man!
 Chandler: What?
 Monica: He's gonna eat the cake!
 [Cut outside, Joey is catching up with Phoebe.]
 Joey: Pheebs! Wait up! (She stops.) Listen uh, close your eyes. (She does so and
 Joey passionately kisses her.) Maybe that's one thing you can cross off your list.
 Phoebe: Oh yeah.
 (Joey starts to walk away, but stops.)
 Joey: Oh, and plus I'm 1/16th Portuguese.
 Phoebe: Oh! (Phoebe walks away smiling.)
 [Scene: Ross's birthday, his car is still trapped in its spot. Now Joey,
 Phoebe, and Ross are at the front of the car with Monica, Rachel, and Chandler at the rear
 of the car.]
 Ross: Okay, is everybody clear? We're gonna pick it up and move it.
 Now all we need is teamwork, okay? We're gonna lift the car and slide it
 out. Lift and slide!
 Rachel: Ross, I really don't think
 Ross: (interrupting her) Lift!! And slide!
 Chandler: Okay, here we go.
 Ross: All right everyone, lift! (They try to lift the car, of course it
 doesn't raise up) And slide!! (Everyone leans over, but the car still does not move.)
 [Scene: Rachel's birthday, she is coming into the hallway where Joey and Tag are
 playing with the scooter.]
 Rachel: Hey Joey, can I
 Joey: Oh, come on Rach! My turn just started!
 Rachel: Actually, I just wanna talk to Tag.
 Joey: Oh. Okay. Hey, can I ride this outside?
 Rachel: Whatever! Okay, I'm not your mother.
 Joey: Okay! (Runs off downstairs.)
 Rachel: Not in the street!!
 Joey: Yes!
 Rachel: (to Tag) Hi.
 Tag: Hey.
 Rachel: Hey.
 Tag: How are you doing? Are you feeling any better?
 Rachel: Yeah, I'm doing okay. I'm um let's talk.
 Tag: Okay. (They sit on the step.)
 Rachel: Umm
 Tag: What's up?
 Rachel: Ohh Tag, umm you're such a great guy and we have sooo much fun
 together but I don't-I don't
 Tag: Wait! I think I see where you're going, but before you say anything
 else, can I just say one more thing? (Kisses her.)
 Rachel: Well said. And a uh good example of the fun I was referring to uhh, but
 I just think I'm past the point where I think I can y'know, just have fun.
 Tag: Rachel, don't do this. This is just because you're turning
 thirty.
 Rachel: Yeah, it is! But you're just a kid! I mean you're 25!
 Tag: Twenty-four actually.
 Rachel: Oh God! Y'know what I wish? I wish you were six years older. Well
 actually, if I'm wishin' for stuff, I actually wish I was six years younger.
 Tag: Me too.
 Rachel: Yeah, I'm sorry. (They hug.)
 [Time lapse, Rachel is entering her apartment after breaking up with Tag.]
 Chandler: Hey! How'd it go?
 Rachel: Oh, if I only want two kids, can I keep him for another year?
 Phoebe: You did the right thing.
 Joey: (entering, limping, and holding his arm) I don't like this anymore.
 (He sits down with them in pain.)
 Chandler: Well, here we are, just a bunch of thirty year olds.
 Ross: God, do you realize in ten years we're gonna be 40?
 Joey: (crying) Why God?! Why are you doing this to us?! (He buries his head in
 Ross's shoulder.)
 [Scene: Ross's birthday, night has fallen and Joey and Ross are walking by where
 his car is parked to find that both cars blocking him in have left.]
 Ross: Yes! My baby's finally free!
 Joey: All-all right! (They run and jump in the car.) Start it up! Let's go!
 Ross: (starting it) Woohoo!
 (Just as they are about to pull away, a big, fat, bald guy pulls up in the exact same
 car as Ross and stops next to him.)
 The Man In The Sportscar: How hot are we? (He drives off.)


 The One With Joey's New Brain
 The One With Joey's New Brain
 Teleplay by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
 Story by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Chandler, Ross, and Rachel are sitting around
 the table.]
 Monica: I'm glad you're here, we have a couple of things to ask you
 about the wedding ceremony.
 Rachel: (starting to cry) Ohh
 Ross: What's the matter? You okay?
 Rachel: Yeah, it's just y'know
 Chandler: (To Ross) Monica said wedding.
 Monica: Uh, so anyway, we thought one of you could read something during the
 ceremony.
 Rachel: Oh! I would love to read a poem.
 Chandler: Do you think you could get through a poem?
 Rachel: (crying) It'll be a short one.
 Monica: Okay, so Ross will be doing the reading.
 Rachel: Ohhh
 Ross: Okay. Yeah, I guess, I guess I could do that too.
 Chandler: Too?
 Ross: Yeah, I kind of uh, have something else planned for you guys.
 Monica: Do you mind telling us what it is?
 Ross: Sorry, I'm kinda keeping this one on the Q.T.
 Chandler: Well, whatever it is, I hope it involves winking. (Winks in a spy-type
 manner.)
 Joey: (entering, excited) Hey!
 All: Hey!
 Joey: So I just talked to one of the DOOL writers today, and
 Monica: What is DOOL?
 Joey: Days Of Our Lives. Anyway, you're not gonna believe it! My
 character is coming out of his coma!!
 All: Oh!!
 Chandler: That's great!
 Joey: And-and-and not only that, I'm gettin' a new brain!!
 Chandler: So great things are happening at work and in your personal
 life!
 Rachel: Wait, what do you mean you're getting a new brain?
 Joey: Oh well, they're killing off one of the characters on the show, and
 when she dies her brain is being transplanted into my body.
 Ross: What? A brain transplant?!
 Joey: (seriously) Yes, it's a highly controversial procedure.
 Ross: It's ridiculous!
 Joey: Well, I think it's ridiculous that you haven't had sex in three
 and a half months.
 Ross: (to Monica and Rachel) It's winter, they are fewer people on the
 street. (Rachel and Monica smile and nod, knowingly.)
 Monica: Who are they killing off?
 Joey: Uh Cecilia Monroe, she plays Jessica Lockhart.
 Rachel and Monica: Noo!!
 Monica: She's my favorite character on DOOL.
 Joey: Nice.
 Rachel: She is so good at throwing drinks in people's faces, I mean I
 don't think I've ever seen her finish a beverage.
 Monica: And the way she slaps all the time!
 Rachel: Oh!
 Monica: Wouldn't you love to do it just once?! (Raises her hand towards
 Chandler.)
 Chandler: Don't do it.
 Rachel: Cecilia Monroe man, what a great actress.
 Joey: Oh, tell me about it. And she's been on the show forever, it's
 gonna be really hard to fill her shoes.
 Ross: Yeah-yeah, help me out here, when you come out of the 'brain
 transplant,' you are going to be her?
 Joey: Yes, but in Drake Ramoray's body. (Ross laughs unbelievably.) Why is
 this so hard for you to get? I thought you were a scientist!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Phoebe and Rachel sitting on the couch in Central Perk]
 Phoebe: (Clears Throat) Rach, so, that guy there. Straight or gay?
 Rachel: (They both look behind them.) Well, I'd have to say gay.
 Phoebe: Yeah? Why?
 Rachel: Well mainly because he's kissing that other guy.
 Phoebe: Oh no not that guy there. That guy right there. (Pointing to an
 attractive man sitting at a table behind them.)
 Rachel: Oh yeah he's too cute to be straight.
 Phoebe: (A woman with large breasts walks in the door) Ohh knockers will help us
 figure it out. (She walks by and he checks her out.)
 Rachel: All right, straight, and not subtle. (The man gets up and leaves.)
 Phoebe: Ohh, he left his cell phone.
 Rachel: Oh, well, we can hand it to Gunther and he'll put it in lost and found.
 Phoebe: Or we could use it to call China. See how those guys are doing.
 Rachel: What if, um, if he calls his own cell phone to find out who found it and
 I answer and we start talking and we fall in love. I mean wouldn't that be a great story?
 Kind of like a fairy tale for the digital age.
 Phoebe: Yeah  That does sound great. I'm going to get the phone. (They both
 get up.)
 Rachel: What? Wait! Why why do you get the story?
 Phoebe: I don't know. I haven't been out on a date in so long.
 Rachel: Phoebe, you had a date three days ago.
 Phoebe: That wasn't a date! That was, that was just friends getting
 together (quietly) having sex.
 Rachel: Okay. Okay, see? I get the phone.
 Phoebe: No way! No way! You just broke with Tag a week ago.
 Rachel: Yeah! (Breaking up) And until now, I didn't think I'd love
 again.


Phoebe: Nice try.
 Rachel: Oh hey-hey wait! How do we fairly decide who gets the phone?
 Phoebe: I don't know.
 (They edge closer to the phone on the table.)
 Rachel: Well umm, maybe we could uhh  (Grabs the phone) Ah-ha! Too slow!!
 (She holds the phone out and starts taunting Phoebe. Phoebe calming knocks the phone
 out of Rachel's hand and catches it.)
 Phoebe: Ah-ha! Too cocky!
 [Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is watching Jessica Lockhart perform a scene.]
 Dina: I'm going to keep dating him Mother, and there's nothing you can
 do about it!
 Jessica Lockhart: Oh yes there is!
 Dina: What are you going to do? Kill him? Like you did with Charles?!
 Jessica Lockhart: (gasps) That was an accident! And so were you.
 Dina: Well, at least I'm not a murderer! (Jessica slaps her.)
 Jessica Lockhart: (crying) Oh, my baby! (Hugs Dina, but moves Dina's head
 to her other shoulder so that she's the only one in the picture.)
 The Director: Cut!
 (Joey walks up to Cecilia Monroe who plays Jessica.)
 Joey: That was a great scene! And-and-and that slap looks so real! How do you do
 that?
 Cecilia: Oh, just years of experience.
 Dina: (crying) Can I get some ice here?!
 Joey: Oh anyway, I just wanted to say how wonderful I think you are.
 Cecilia: You're not the fan who's dying are you?
 Joey: Say what?
 Cecilia: I'm supposed to meet and hug a fan who's dying, but that's
 not supposed to be until (to no one in particular) later!
 Joey: No. No, I'm Joey Tribbiani; we did a scene together yesterday.
 I-I'm the guy in the coma!
 Cecilia: Oh that was a real person?!
 Joey: An-an-anyway I-I just wanted to say that since I'm getting your brain
 when you leave the show, I was wondering if there was any tips you can give me
 Cecilia: I-I-I'm leaving the show?
 Joey: (quickly) I don't know. Why? Did you hear something?
 Cecilia: Who told you that?
 Joey: Oh uh, one of the writers.
 Cecilia: Which one? Was it bald or was it tall?
 Joey: Umm
 Cecilia: Y'know what? It doesn't matter! Because it is not true!
 Joey: Okay.
 Cecilia: And if it were true, how dare you come to me ask me for tips
 about a character that I've been playing for 20 years I'll give you a tip!
 (She throws her drink in his face.)
 Joey: Ms. Monroe  (She slaps him) Oh there you go. (She storms off, leaving
 Joey standing next to Dina. They share a nod at the ferocity of the slap they just
 received.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are still arguing over the phone.]
 Rachel: No Phoebe! You cannot get the phone that way; that's not fair! Okay
 look, I have an idea. Why don't we, why don't we see what kind of number he has
 on his speed dial, and then from that we can tell who has more in common with him. And
 then whoever does gets the phone.
 Phoebe: Or, we can decide by whose ever name is closer to the word phone.
 Rachel: I don't think so.
 Phoebe: (handing Rachel the phone) Fine all right, but I'd bet you'd
 be singing another tune if we were fighting over a ratchet.
 Rachel: (checking the speed dial) All right, first name on the speed dial is
 mom.
 Phoebe: Ohh, I lost my mom to suicide.
 Rachel: Okay no way, you cannot use that to get the cute guy and the last
 blueberry muffin.
 Phoebe: Did I use that already today? I'm sorry.
 Rachel: Yes okay. (Checking the speed dial again.) Well now see this isn't
 telling us anything. (Reading the speed dial) Joe. Carlos. Peter. Ooh! Peter Luger! T
 hat's a steak house!
 Phoebe: Okay, a meat eater. Fine, that's one for you.
 Rachel: (looking at the speed dial) Oh, I win! He's got Barney's
 on his speed dial.
 Phoebe: So you don't know that's Barney's the store! That
 can be y'know his friend's house, or a bar. Who has Barney's the
 store on their speed dial?
 Rachel: (showing Phoebe her phone) His new girlfriend!
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are eating lunch, when they start to
 hear a horrible screeching noise. It sounds like someone is skinning a cat.]
 Monica: What is that?
 Chandler: I think it's the dying cat parade.
 Monica: It sounds like it's coming from across the street.
 Chandler: (turning around and looking) Oh my God!
 Monica: What?
 Chandler: Y'know that thing that Ross was gonna do at our wedding?! He was
 hanging out with me yesterday and he turned to me and said, 'You're half
 Scottish right?'
 Monica: Nooo!!
 Chandler: Yes!!
 [Cut to Ross's apartment, he is playing the Bagpipes, badly. He's worse than
 that whole keyboard thing a few years ago.]
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, scene continued from earlier. They both get up and move
 to the window.]


Monica: No, there is no way! It can not be Ross! (She looks through the
 window and sees Ross practicing and fumbling around with the pipes.) Unbelievable! Why
 is your family Scottish?!
 Chandler: Why is your family Ross?!
 Monica: He cannot play at our wedding! I mean everyone will leave! I mean come
 on, that is just noise! It's not even a song!
 Chandler: If you listen very carefully, I think its Celebration by Cool
 and the Gang.
 [Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe is putting out some Sunflower seeds as Rachel
 enters.]
 Rachel: Hi Pheebs!
 Phoebe: Hi!
 Rachel: How are ya?
 Phoebe: Good.
 Rachel: Umm Pheebs, remember when we were in the coffee house we decided that I
 was going to keep the uh, the cute guy's cell phone?
 Phoebe: Yeah.
 Rachel: And remember how I said I was going to keep it in my purse so that if it
 rang I could just pick it up?
 Phoebe: Yeah!
 Rachel: And do you remember going into my purse and stealing the phone?!
 Phoebe: Ooh, now you lost me.
 Rachel: You stole the phone!
 Phoebe: No I didn't!
 Rachel: No? So you're saying that if I called it, it wouldn't ring?
 Phoebe: No. Umm, okay. But while you dial, let me show you the features of my new
 ringing handbag. (Rachel dials her phone and Phoebe's bag starts to ring.) Oh, it
 does work! (Rachel grabs the phone and takes it out of Phoebe's handbag.)
 Rachel: Phoebe!
 Phoebe: That is a different phone.
 Rachel: Oh is it?! (She answers the cute guy's phone.) Uhh, hello? (On her
 phone) Yes hi, is Rachel there? (On the other phone) Yes she is, just one moment please.
 (To Phoebe, holding out both phones.) It's for me!
 Phoebe: That is damning evidence.
 (The cute guy's phone rings.)
 Rachel: Oh my God! I bet that's him. My digital fairy tale is about to
 begin. I wonder how I should be? Should I be uh (In a sexy voice) Hello? Or should I be
 (Happily) Hi! It's Rach  (Phoebe knocks the phone out of Rachel's hand,
 catches it, and answers it.) Would you stop doing that?!
 Phoebe: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Yes, I'm the one who found your phone.
 Rachel: Phoebe! You can't do th
 Phoebe: (To Rachel) Shhh! I'm on a call! (On phone) Umm well yeah, you can
 pick it up tonight, say 8:30? At-at my apartment. It's umm, it's umm 5 Morton
 Street, Apartment 14, umm and then maybe y'know after we can grab a bite to eat or
 whatever. (Listens) Okay, well okay I'll see you then. (Listens) Bye. (Hangs up.)
 Rachel: You do know that I will be here when he comes over.
 Phoebe: Oh? And how will you know what time to come over?
 Rachel: You just said it!
 Phoebe: Oh. Okay, well I-I was kinda hoping that I would just be alone
 y'know to think about my mom and her suicide.
 Rachel: Oh Phoebe!
 Phoebe: What?! That's the first time today!
 Rachel: Ohh! (Exits.)
 [Scene: Silvercup Studios, Dina is at the craft services table getting some food as
 Joey walks up.]
 Joey: So you like the nachos uh? Myself I'm partial to
 Dina: (interrupting) I'm 16.
 Joey: See you in 2003. (She walks away.)
 Cecilia: (walking up) You're absolutely right they are writing me out of
 the show. They don't know exactly when it's going to happen, but apparently
 it's going to be very soon and that's it.
 Joey: I'm so sorry. Look, if it was up to me you would never leave the
 show.
 Cecilia: Yeah, thanks.
 Joey: No I mean it! I can't believe they would do this to you! And to your
 fans! I mean they are going to be devastated! Heart broken! They love you so much!
 Cecilia: Oh you're right. Thank you! What's your name again?
 Joey: Joey.
 Cecilia: Joey, well thank you. That is so sweet. Oh, excuse me. (She throws her
 drink on a passing writer.)
 The Writer: It wasn't my decision!
 Cecilia: (to him) I'm having a conversation here! (To Joey) You were
 saying?
 Joey: Uh yeah-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye l-l-l-l-l-look the-the-the only reason that I,
 that I came up to you before was because well, I'm really nervous about-about being
 you. Y'know if you can help me capture the essence of the character. Y'know?
 Help me keep Jessica alive. Please?
 Cecilia: All right Joey, I will help you. Not because I-I owe it to this stupid
 show, but because I owe it to Jessica.
 Joey: Oh that's great! Oh thank you so much!
 Cecilia: You're so welcome.
 Joey: Hey! Now, I've been watching some tapes, how's this? (In a
 British accent.) 'Jessica Lockhart will never set foot in this place again!
 Ever!!'
 Cecilia: Is that supposed to be me?
 Joey: Yeah.
 Cecilia: Yeah but Jessica doesn't have an English accent.
 Joey: (shocked) I can do an English accent?! That baby's going on my
 resume!
 [Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch. Ross is sitting on
 the armchair.]


Chandler: Well, I feel like a snack!
 Monica: Do you want some shortbread? Eh that's Scottish like you are.
 Chandler: Oh no thanks. I don't like anything from my Scottish
 heritage.
 Ross: What?!
 Chandler: Well it's just my entire family was run out of Scotland
 by Vikings. Anyway, lots of bad memories. (Makes a few unintelligible noises.)
 Ross: Oh well, it sounds to me like your family is ready to uh, rediscover its
 Scottish roots.
 Monica: No! No-no they're not. They're still very angry! But
 y'know Chandler is also half-Swedish. You know what the Swedish people are famous
 for? Sitting down and being quiet.
 Ross: Well yeah-yeah the Scottish history is so much more
 Monica: (interrupting) You can not play bagpipes at the wedding!!
 Ross: How did you know about that?!
 Chandler: We heard you play all the way from your apartment!
 Ross: Were you the ones called the cops?!
 Chandler: That's not really important right now. What is important is;
 while we appreciate the gesture, we just don't feel bagpipes are appropriate for our
 wedding.
 Ross: Why not?
 Chandler: Because we hate them.
 Ross: Come on that's not fair! I mean you haven't even heard me play!
 Chandler: We have heard you play.
 Ross: No, you've heard my practice. Okay? Just-just give me a chance to
 perform for you and then decide whatever you want. And I'm not going to tell you what
 song I'm gonna play either. But uh, let's just say when it's over I'll
 bet there will be a wee bit o' celebration.
 [Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is getting pointers on how to play Jessica Lockhart.]
 Cecilia: So, the essence of the character is rooted in her confidence. So, when
 Jessica enters a room for instance, she owns everything and every person in that room.
 (Joey is nodding.) You try.
 Joey: Okay! (He scurries out the set door and re-enters, extremely impressed)
 All right!
 Cecilia: No, he already knows that he owns everything in the room! He's not
 finding it out for the first time! So, try it again.
 Joey: Okay. Okay. (He goes out and comes back in, glaring at everything.)
 Cecilia: Right. He's not angry at the room either. Try it again, he owns
 it! He owns the room. It is his. He owns, owns, owns, owns the room! He owns it!!
 (Joey gets a snooty look on his face.) All right, it's a little weird, but it's
 getting better. (Joey is pleased.) Oh well, I'm gonna miss this woman so much. I
 don't know what I'm going to do! I mean, it's been 20 years of my life.
 Joey: Oh well Hey-hey! Maybe, maybe uh, maybe this is a good thing.
 Y'know? It'll-it'll give you a chance to shake things up, play different
 characters. You're so talented.
 Cecilia: I am. I am, but I don't know, you know. An actor of a certain age
 is not that easy.
 Joey: Hey that's not true! Look at uh, look at Angela Lansb Angelina
 Jolie!
 Cecilia: I probably should've just left years ago when the offers were
 pouring in, but y'know I just got so comfy here! And  Ohh, I turned down some
 amazing work!
 Joey: Like-like what?
 Cecilia: Well, let's just say if I left 15 years ago, the landscape of
 Mexican cinema would be very different today!
 Joey: (impressed) Wow!
 Cecilia: But  Well now, now's a different time for me. (Starts to
 cry.)
 Joey: Oh hey come on, don't-don't-don't do this! Umm, look
 let-let me tell you something, okay? Now when I watch you do a scene, I'm thinking,
 'Boy, she-she is a great actress!' (She's not buying it.) Uh but-but, I am
 also thinking, 'She is hot!'
 Cecilia: (intrigued) You think I'm hot?
 Joey: You own the room. (She smiles and stares longingly into his eyes.) We
 should probably get-get uh
 Cecilia: Oh yeah-yeah, we should get the  (Pause) So when Jessica kisses a
 man, she usually puts umm, both her hands on the man's face. (She does so.)
 Joey: Yeah-yeah, I noticed that! Is that  cause she's so passionate?
 Cecilia: No! It's because that way the camera only sees her! (She takes her
 hands off his face.) Do you wanna try it?
 Joey: Yeah! Okay. (He puts his hands on her face and they kiss.)
 Cecilia: That was good, that was really good. But I-I think your hands
 may be a
 little off, they should be maybe right like  (She grabs the back of his neck and
 kisses him passionately causing them to fall onto the couch.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe and Rachel are waiting for the cute guy to show up
 for his cell phone. Rachel is putting on perfume by spraying it ahead of her face, and
 moving into it. Phoebe tries to steal some.]
 Rachel: Hey! Hey!
 (There is a knock on the door.)
 Phoebe and Rachel: (simultaneously) Who is it?
 Guy: Hi! It's Tom, I'm here to pick up the phone.
 (Rachel excitedly jumps up and heads for the door.)


Phoebe: Whoa! Why do you get to answer the door?
 Rachel: Well why shouldn't I?!
 Phoebe: Because it's my apartment!
 Rachel: Well, then I get to give him the cell phone.
 Phoebe: Okay. All right. (Hands her the phone.) Good luck explaining all the
 calls to China.
 (Phoebe opens the door and Tom, an older gentleman with white hair, enters.)
 Tom: Hi!
 Phoebe: (To Rachel) Wow! How long were we arguing for?
 Rachel: (laughs) You're not the man who left the cell phone.
 Tom: No that's my assistant.
 Rachel: Is-is he coming? (Looks hopefully out the door.)
 Tom: Umm, no.
 Phoebe: Could you-could you umm, give us one second?
 Tom: Sure!
 Rachel: We'll be right back sir.
 Tom: Sure.
 (They walk into the living room.)
 Phoebe: Wh-what do we do?
 Rachel: I don't know!
 Phoebe: Can you believe this? (Rachel exhales in amazement.) We were waiting for
 a hot guy and then an even hotter one shows up!
 Rachel: I know! (Realizes what Phoebe said.) What?!
 Phoebe: Hmm, they just don't make  em like that anymore!
 Rachel: (turning and looking at Tom again) No-no they do but, you just have to
 wait.
 Phoebe: Rachel, listen I mean, if you let me have him then I will really
 owe you one.
 Rachel: (fake disappointment) All right. All right Phoebe I will let you have
 him, but you owe me; you owe me big!
 Phoebe: Yeah! You're such a great friend!
 Rachel: Ohh
 Tom: So, which one of you lovely ladies am I going to take to dinner huh?
 Phoebe: Oh that'd be me. Sir. (Hands him the cell phone.) After you.
 Tom: Okay. Okay. (Exits and Phoebe checks him out.)
 Phoebe: (whispering) Nice!
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Cecilia is entering the living room from Joey's room
 followed by Joey.]
 Cecilia: Well, you certainly own that room.
 Joey: Actually I rent the whole place and, I just got what you meant. Thank you.
 (She laughs as Rachel enters.)
 Rachel: Hi.
 Joey: Hey!
 (Rachel stops dead in her tracks when she sees whom Joey is with.)
 Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God!! Ohh, Jessica Lockhart!! In my apartment!! I am
 such a huge fan! I am such a huge fan!
 Cecilia: Well, it's nice to know that you
 Rachel: (screaming) MONICA!!!! MONICA!!!! (Runs to Monica's.)
 Joey: That uh, that is my roommate Rachel.
 Cecilia: Oh that explains all the women's underwear.
 Joey: (shrugs) Sure. Yep.
 Monica: (entering with Rachel) Oh my God! It's true!! Oh my God you are so
 amazing! Oh my God, can I just ask you to do me oh, just one favor?
 Cecilia: Certainly.
 Monica: Would you slap me? Would you slap me right here in the face?! (Points to
 her cheek.)
 Cecilia: I'd love to, but my lawyer said I can't do that anymore.
 Rachel: God. You seem really, really nice.
 Joey: Okay, bye-bye.
 Rachel: I mean n-not-not fake at all like most famous people.
 Joey: All right, here we go. (He grabs them and starts to pull them out of the
 apartment.)
 Rachel: Okay.
 Monica: (breaks away) Oh wait, just one more thing! One more minute! (To
 Cecilia) Umm, you're a stupid bitch.
 Cecilia: I really can't slap you. (Monica walks away angrily)
 Rachel: You are so beautiful.
 Monica: Nice to meet you! My God you're great!
 Joey: Thanks for stopping by. See ya! (Throws them out and closes the door.) (To
 Cecilia) I-I am so sorry. I
 Cecilia: Oh no-no-no-no, being adored. I'm used to it, don't worry
 about it.
 Joey: (notices something in the mail that Rachel brought in) Oh my God!
 Cecilia: What?
 Joey: They sent me today's script! They never send the script!
 Cecilia: They don't?
 Joey: Well no, I'm just in a coma. This must mean I have lines! (Realizes
 what that means.) Oh
 Cecilia: How does it happen?
 Joey: (flipping to the last page) Ew, you get thrown from a horse into an
 electric fence.
 Cecilia: Ah what?! Jessica hates horses!
 Joey: Yeah well, I'm guessing after this she's not going to be crazy
 about electricity either.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica have gathered to
 hear Ross perform his interpretation of Celebration by Cool and the Gang on
 the bag pipe.]
 Ross:  now remember you have to imagine me in a kilt.
 Rachel: (giggles) (To Ross) I can imagine you in a short plaid skirt and knee
 socks.
 Ross: (To Rachel) Do you wanna start telling secrets?
 Rachel: No!
 Ross: (stands up) Now umm, remember I'm still learning.
 (As he prepares to start, he makes several horrible noises that scares Rachel into
 retreat.)
 Ross: One, two, three, four!
 (He starts. And well, Celebration was never meant to be played on the bagpipe,
 so even the best bag pipe players in the world would have trouble with that particular
 song. So of course, for a beginner like Ross, it sounds absolutely dreadful. The assembled
 audience minus Phoebe, are horrified. Phoebe, immune to bad music, seems to enjoy it.)


 The One With The Truth About London
 The One With The Truth About London
 Teleplay by: Zachary Rosenblatt
 Story by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones
 Directed by: David Schwimmer
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is filing her nails as Ross and Ben enter.]
 Ross: Hi.
 Rachel: Hi! Hi Ben!
 Ben: Hi.
 Ross: Hi, we have a little bathroom emergency.
 Rachel: Oh, yeah go ahead.
 (Ben starts to go, but Ross stops him.)
 Ross: Uh, before we do uh, are any of Joey's special romance magazines in
 there?
 Rachel: No. No.
 Ross: (to Ben) Okay! All clear!
 Ben: (running to the bathroom) Thanks Phoebe!
 Rachel: Ben, it's Rachel! (He closes the door.) But whatever.
 Ross: (to Ben) Everything okay in there?
 Ben: Don't talk to me now!
 Rachel: Awww, just like his daddy.
 Ross: Hey listen can you do me a big favor? The dean's office just called
 and said there was an urgent meeting. Can you watch Ben for like an hour?
 Rachel: What-what about Monica?
 Ross: Oh, she isn't home.
 Rachel: (nervous) So it would just be me alone?
 Ross: Well, Ben would be there.
 Rachel: Huh umm
 Ross: What's the matter?
 Rachel: Well that y'know it's just uh, I've never done that
 before. Me and him alone.
 Ross: Rach, he's not an ex-con.
 Rachel: Okay. Okay. Okay. Uh, what do I, what do I do with him?
 Ross: I don't know! Just-just talk to him-entertain him and keep him alive.
 Rachel: Okay.
 Ross: Okay. (Ben enters) Ben? Come here. All right, I'm gonna leave you
 here with Aunt Rachel for about an hour. Okay? Are you gonna be okay?
 Rachel: Yeah I think so.
 Ross: (To Rachel) I wasn't talking to you.
 Ben: I'll be okay.
 Ross: Okay, I'll see you soon buddy. (He hugs and kisses him.) Be back in
 an hour.
 Ben: Bye dad.
 Rachel: Bye. (Ross exits.) Ahhh  (Silence) So this is fun, huh?
 Ben: Not really.
 Rachel: Okay. Uh, want something-want something to drink?
 Ben: Okay.
 Rachel: Uh great! How do you feel about Diet Coke?
 Ben: I'm not allowed to have soda.
 Rachel: Okay. Well that's pretty much all that we have Oh! Oh! Have
 you ever had a virgin margarita? (Holds up a bottle of margarita mix.)
 Ben: What's a virgin?
 Rachel: Water it is.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are talking. Joey and Phoebe are getting
 coffee.]
 Monica: What about the second minister we met with? I kinda liked him.
 Chandler: You mean the spitter?
 Monica: Come on! It wasn't that bad!
 Chandler: Easy for you to say; you'll be wearing a veil.
 Monica: All right, what about the third guy?
 Chandler: You mean the guy who kept staring at your chest?
 Monica: Can you blame him?
 Chandler: Sorry, I just don't like the idea of when I say 'I
 do,' he's thinking, 'Yeah, I'd do her too!'
 Monica: Well then we still have a problem.
 Chandler: Yeah!
 Phoebe: (returning with Joey) With what?
 Monica: Well, we're trying to find someone to perform our wedding and
 they're all either boring or annoying or y'know, can't stop staring at the
 ladies. (Points to her chest.)
 (Joey nods his approval.)
 Phoebe: Oo! You should have one of us do it!
 Monica: Phoebe, we're getting married, married; not sixth grade
 married.
 Phoebe: No! No! It's-it's uh a real thing! Anyone can get ordained on
 the Internet and perform like weddings and stuff!
 Monica: Are you serious?
 Phoebe: Yes! A friend of mine did it and it's totally legal!
 Joey: I call it!!
 Phoebe: What?! No! It was my idea!
 Chandler: Guys thank you very much but neither of you is marrying us.
 Joey: Does calling it not mean anything anymore?!
 Chandler: We are going to have a legitimate member of the clergy! And when I say
 legitimate I mean, gay and in control of his saliva!
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Ben are sitting on the couch bored out of their
 minds.]
 Rachel: Ben y'know when uh, when you were a baby, you and I used to hang
 out all the time.  Cause I was, I was your daddy's girlfriend.
 Ben: But you're not anymore!
 Rachel: No, I'm not.
 Ben:  Cause you guys were on a break.
 Rachel: Hey! We were not on a Okay. That's fine! Fine.
 Y'know what Ben? One day when you are a lot older I am going to tell you that entire
 story over a pitcher of real margaritas, okay?
 Ben: When's my daddy coming back?
 Rachel: (checks her watch) Fifty-two minutes. (Pause) So no-no brothers and
 sisters, huh? That must be nice. You don't have to share stuff.
 Ben: Sharing is good.
 Rachel: Oh, you're one of those. But y'know what? I have two
 sisters of my own and we just-just tortured each other.
 Ben: Really? Like how?


Rachel: Well y'know, we would umm, repeat everything the other said, or uh,
 we'd jump out of closets to scare each other, or switch the sugar for the salt so
 they'd put salt on their cereal.
 Ben: (laughs) That's a good one.
 Rachel: Yeah? You like that one?
 Ben: Yeah, you're funny.
 Rachel: I'm funny? Oh thank God! Well hey, I've got a ton of these!
 Umm, oh here Do you want a good one? Here's a good one. Umm, you uh, you take a
 quarter, take a quarter and, and you blacken the edge. Right? (Does so.) And then you say
 to person, I bet you can't roll this quarter from your forehead to your chin without
 it leaving your face. And then when they do it, they're left with a big black pencil
 line right down the center of their face.
 Ben: Can I do it to you?
 Rachel: Yeah, I-I-I-I'm funny Ben, but I'm not stupid. Okay?
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are eating lunch as Joey enters.]
 Joey: So, did you uh, find anyone to marry you guys yet?
 Chandler: No, but Horny for Monica Minister called, wanting to know if we were
 still together.
 Monica: We're never gonna find anybody.
 Joey: Well then let me do it!
 Chandler: Joe
 Joey: No-no-no! Look, I've been thinking about it. I'm an actor right?
 So I won't get nervous talking in front of people.
 Monica: Joey look it's really sweet
 Joey: No-no-no-no look no! I won't spit, and I won't stare at
 Monica's breasts! Y'know? Everyone knows I'm an ass man!
 Monica: That is true.
 Joey: Yeah and the most important thing is that it won't be some like,
 stranger up there who barely knows you. It'll be me! And I swear I'll do a
 really good job. Plus, y'know I love you guys and-and it would really mean a lot to
 me.
 Chandler: (To Monica) Y'know, we haven't found anybody else.
 Monica: It might be kinda cool.
 Joey: So I can do it?
 Chandler: Yeah you can do it.
 Joey: All right!!! Okay!! All right! Okay-okay, I gotta get started on my
 speech! Oh, wait a minute, Internet ministers can still have sex right?
 Chandler: Yeah.
 Joey: Okay.
 (Phoebe enters slowly.)
 Monica: Hey Pheebs, how's it going?
 Phoebe: Oh, I have a headache. A horrible headache!
 Monica: Oh, I'm sorry. Can I get you something?
 Phoebe: Oh my God, you've got to stop chattering!
 Monica: Here, take a couple of these. (She gets up to grab a couple of pills.)
 Phoebe: What is it?
 Monica: It's Hexadrin.
 Phoebe: Oh no, I don't believe in Western medicine. No, if you just apply
 pressure to these points right here. (She's pinching the bit of skin between her
 right thumb and forefinger with her left hand.) Then your hand starts to hurt and you
 still have a headache, so thanks. (Takes the pills.)
 Monica: Okay, while we're waiting for these pills to kick in, I'm
 gonna sit you down on the couch. Come on. (Phoebe gets up and goes with her.) Get some
 nice soft pillows under your head, I'm gonna turn the TV on and you can watch
 whatever you want. And I'm Sit down (She sits down on the couch) gonna
 make you some tea. And then, I'm gonna rub your feet.
 Phoebe: Oh.
 Joey: Oh! My head! Oh! (He's sitting on the chair, lies back, and puts his
 feet up for Monica to rub.) Oh!
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is reading and there is knock on the door which she
 answers.]
 Rachel: Coming.
 (She opens the door to reveal Ross with a pencil mark from his forehead to his chin.)
 Ross: I have a bone to pick with you.
 Rachel: Uh-oh.
 Ross: Yes! Ben learned a little trick.
 Rachel: Oh yeah? Did he pull the old  (She is waving her hand up and down
 her face. She's thinking about the pencil mark.)
 Ross: That's right! That's right! Saran Wrap on the toilet seat
 so the pee goes everywhere!
 Rachel: Oh that.
 Ross: Yeah that! You know I hate practical jokes! They're mean and
 they're stupid and-and I don't want my son learning them!
 Rachel: Oh, come on! Saran Wrap on the toilet seat, you don't think
 that's just a little funny?!
 Ross: I was barefoot. Now tell me, the toilet thing is the only thing you taught
 him right?
 Rachel: (looking at his mark) Yes.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica are there.]
 Phoebe: It's amazing! My headache is completely gone! What are those pills
 called?
 Monica: Hexadrin. (She gets the box out of her purse.)
 Phoebe: Oh, I love you Hexadrin! (She kisses the box.) Oh look! It comes with a
 story! (She pulls out the instructions and side effects paper.)
 Monica: No Phoebe, those are like the side effects and stuff.
 Phoebe: Say what?
 Monica: Y'know, the possible side effects.


Phoebe: Oh my God! (Starts reading them.) Dizziness, nervousness, drowsiness,
 facial swelling, nausea, headache Headache. Vomiting, stomach bleeding, liver damage!
 Now okay, I don't recall any of this coming up when you gave me these little death
 capsules! Oh I'm sorry, extra strength death capsules!
 Monica: Phoebe, relax none of that stuff ever happens! They just put it on there
 for legal reasons!
 Phoebe: Why?
 Monica: In case it happens.
 Joey: (entering) Hey!
 Chandler: Hey!
 Joey: Say hello to Reverend Joey Tribbiani! (Holds up the piece of paper bearing
 the proof of his ordination.)
 Chandler: Hey!
 Monica: You did it! You got ordained?!
 Joey: Yeah, I just got off the Internet! Man, there is a lot of porn out there!
 Chandler: Our minister
 Phoebe: I have liver damage. Ow! Oh! (She grabs the left side of her torso.)
 Monica: Phoebe, your liver is right here. (She points to the right side of her
 torso.)
 Phoebe: Okay, then I must be disoriented.
 Joey: Anyway, I started working on what I'm going to say for the ceremony,
 do you wanna hear it?
 Chandler: Okay.
 Monica: Yeah!
 Joey: Now-now, listen this is just a first draft so  (Starts to read the
 piece of paper he brought.) 'We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to
 celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share.' (Monica and Chandler like
 it so far.) Eh? (He continues reading.) 'It is a love based on giving and receiving.
 As well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and
 received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving.' (Phoebe nods
 her approval.) 'We too can share and love and have and receive.'
 Chandler: (To Monica) Should we call the spitter?
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Carol and Susan's, there is a knock on the door and Carol opens it to
 reveal Rachel.]
 Carol: Hey Rachel! (The camera cuts to her face and we see that Ben pulled the
 quarter trick with her as well.)
 Rachel: Hi!
 Carol: What a nice surprise! What are you doing here?
 Rachel: Well y'know I was just in the neighborhood and I passed by your
 building and I thought to myself, 'What's up with Carol and sweet, little
 Ben?'
 Carol: Can I ask what Come on in.
 Rachel: Okay.
 Carol: Umm uh, I'll make some coffee and we can uh, chat.
 Rachel: I'd love that. I would loooove  (Carol goes to make the coffee
 and she sits down.) So uh, so where is sweet little Ben? I would love to have a little...
 Ben: (jumping up from behind her chair) Gotcha!! (Rachel jumps up startled.)
 Rachel: I found him! (To Ben) Very funny, come here! (She sits down on the
 coffee table and Ben walks up.) That is exactly why I've come here to talk to you
 okay?
 Carol: (from the kitchen) Rach, do you want some sugar in your coffee?
 Rachel: Yes oh (To Ben) Do I want sugar in my coffee? (Ben nods no.)
 No, just some milk would be good Carol. Thanks. (To Ben) Okay, do you remember all that
 stuff I taught you yesterday?
 Ben: (mimicking her) Remember all that stuff I taught you yesterday?
 Rachel: Don't do that.
 Ben: Don't do that.
 Rachel: Seriously, your dad doesn't like pranks.
 Ben: Seriously, your dad doesn't like pranks.
 Rachel: Oh damnit!
 Ben: Oh damnit!
 Rachel: No! Don't say that! Don't say that!
 Ben: Damnit!
 Rachel: No don't! Go back to repeating!
 Ben: Damnit!
 Rachel: Oh crap!
 Ben: Oh crap!
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Monica are returning from
 Central Perk.]
 Phoebe: I feel like my face is swelling. (To Monica) Is my face swelling?
 Monica: Phoebe, your face is fine! Come on, none of this stuff is going to
 happen to you! Stop being such a baby!
 Phoebe: Oh, interesting you should call me that! Now that I may never have one!
 (Holds up the warning label.)
 Joey: Okay you guys, I got a little more written. Are you ready?
 Chandler: Yeah. O-okay.
 Joey: (reading) 'When I think of the love that these two givers and
 receivers share, I can not help but envy the lifetime ahead of having and loving and
 giving and ' And then I can't think of a good word for right here. (He
 points to the stop on the paper where he left off.)
 Monica: How about receiving?
 Joey: Yes!
 Chandler: See Joe, not that that's not grrreat! But, one of the cool things
 about having somebody we know perform the ceremony is that it can be about us!
 Y'know, it can be more personal. You can tell stories about us!
 Joey: Ooh, like the time you and I went to Atlantic City and I made you laugh so
 hard you threw up your whole steak?! Remember?
 Chandler: No, not us  (Motions Joey and him.) Us! (Motions Monica and him.)


Joey: I gotcha. Sorry. (To Monica) So, did you ever make him throw up a whole
 anything?
 Phoebe: Did you ever feed him a poison capsule that made him bleed from the
 eyes?
 Monica: It doesn't say that!
 Phoebe: Oh! Suddenly somebody knows all about the side effects!
 Chandler: See Joe, we want you to tell stories but y'know, romantic
 stories. Nice stories.
 Joey: Oh. Okay. Ooh! Ooh! Okay, maybe I'll talk about London! Y'know
 when you two hooked up! Only, only I won't say hooked up. I'll say, 'Began
 their beautiful journey '
 Monica: There you go!
 Joey: ' by doin' it.'
 Chandler: Joe?
 Joey: Okay. All right. Umm, so uh, so how did it happen? Did your eyes meet
 across the room? And then the next thing y'know you're in the bathtub together
 and she's feeding you strawberries?
 Chandler: Isn't that what happened with you and the bridesmaid?
 Joey: Yeah!! I call that London style.
 Monica: No that is not what happened with us. Well, I was umm, I was really sad
 that night because this guy thought that I was Ross's mom.
 Joey: Oh.
 Monica: And then Chandler was, was really sweet and he consoled me. And well we
 drank too much
 Joey: Yeah baby!
 Chandler: And I was a perfect gentleman and I walked her to her hotel room and
 said goodnight.
 Joey: Oh.
 Chandler: But then later that night
 Joey: Yeah baby!
 [Cut to London, Chandler's hotel room. He is getting ready for bed by doing
 push-ups. One push-up. Just as he gets under the covers, there's a knock on the
 door.]
 Chandler: (answering the door) Hey!
 Monica: (standing outside) Cute PJ's! You're really livin' it up
 here in London huh?
 Chandler: Well I was  I wasn't exactly expecting company after (He looks
 at his watch.) 9:15.
 Monica: (entering) Is Joey here?
 Chandler: Well, last time I saw him he was heading out the door with the
 bridesmaid and a bucket of strawberries. So uh, you're not still upset about
 what that guy told ya are ya?
 Monica: Wouldn't you be?
 Chandler: Well, look it's been a really emotional time y'know, and
 you've had a lot to drink. And you've just got to let that go okay? I
 mean you were the most beautiful woman in the room tonight!
 Monica: Really?
 Chandler: You kidding? You're the most beautiful woman in most rooms
 (She jumps up and kisses him.) (Breaking the kiss.) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's going
 on? You and I just made out! You and I are making out?
 Monica: Well, not anymore.
 Chandler: But we don't do that.
 Monica: I know, I just thought it would be fun.
 Chandler: How drunk are you?
 Monica: Drunk enough to know that I want to do this. Not so drunk that you
 should feel guilty about taking advantage.
 Chandler: (thinks) That's the perfect amount!
 Monica: Okay!
 (They run to the bed, sit down, and start making out again.)
 Monica: (breaking the kiss) Y'know what's weird?
 Chandler: What?
 Monica: This doesn't feel weird!
 Chandler: I know.
 Monica: You're a really good kisser.
 Chandler: Well, I have kissed over four women. (They kiss again.) Do you wanna
 get under the covers?
 Monica: Hm-hmm!
 Chandler: Okay!
 (They do so and they take off their clothes.)
 Monica: Wow! You are really fast!
 Chandler: It bodes well for me that speed impresses you.
 Monica: We're gonna see each other naked.
 Chandler: Yep!
 Monica: Do you wanna do it at the same time?
 Chandler: Count of three?
 Monica: One!
 Chandler: Two!
 Monica: Two!
 Monica and Chandler: Three! (They lift up the covers and check each other
 out, then come back up with silly grins on their faces.)
 Chandler: Well I think it's safe to say that our friendship is effectively
 ruined.
 Monica: Eh, we weren't that close anyway!
 Chandler: Eh!
 (They start making out again, and it takes Joey trying to enter to stop them.)
 Chandler: Joey! Joey! Joey! J-J-Joey-Joey-J-Joey! (Monica hides under the covers
 as Joey enters. Remember?)
 Joey: Hey!
 Chandler: Hey Joe! I was just watching a movie-e-e  (Notices that the TV is
 turned off.)
 Joey: Oh, dude I'm so sorry!
 Chandler: No! No! No!
 Joey: Hey no-no-no-no! It's cool! It's cool! I-I'll only be a
 second, I'm still with my bridesmaid, I just Where are those condoms you
 brought?
 Chandler: They're in my bag over there. (Points.)
 Joey: Ah. (Joey walks to Chandler's bag by getting as far away from
 Chandler's bed as possible.)
 Chandler: Uh, could you leave me one?
 Joey: (pause) For just you?
 Chandler: Yeah.
 Joey: Hey listen, why don't you come downstairs with me? There's some
 really nice girls down there.
 Chandler: No I-I-I'm fine.
 Joey: All right, here you go buddy. (He tosses him one.) Go nuts. (Exits.)
 [Cut back to Monica and Chandler telling Phoebe and Joey the story.]


Joey: That's what that was?!  Cause that other thing? I thought you
 were on to something, but it did nothing for me.
 Monica: Okay, can we change the topic? Because it's really doing
 nothing for me.
 Joey: Oh  (To Chandler) Can you imagine if I hadn't left you that last
 one? You two might've never gotten together. Ooh-ooh! Could you imagine if I sent
 that hooker up to the room like I was gonna?! It's like it was in the stars!
 Phoebe: Yeah, it's totally meant to be. (To Monica) Tell him who you
 originally wanted to hook up with that night.
 Monica: What?!
 Chandler: What?
 Phoebe: (To Joey) What?!
 Chandler: Who did you originally want to hook up with?
 Monica: Okay, fine but please don't be upset! Okay? I was really
 depressed okay? And really drunk! I just wanted something stupid and meaningless. I just
 wanted just sex. So, when I went to your room that night I was actually
 looking for Joey. (Joey smiles.)
 Joey: Yeah baby! (Chandler glares at him.) No baby!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, scene continued from earlier.]
 Chandler: (To Monica) So you came to the room looking for Joey? Did you ever
 in-intend on telling me about this?
 Monica: No, because it-it didn't seem important.
 Chandler: Oh, it's not important? It's not important?! If it
 wasn't for a bridesmaid you'd be marrying him (Points to Joey) not me!
 Monica: Noo!! The point is that is was you that was there that night! It
 is you that I am marrying! It is you that I fell in love with!
 Joey: And it is a love that is based on having and giving and receiv (Shuts
 up on Monica's glare.)
 Chandler: I don't believe it. The most romantic night of my life and
 I'm runner up.
 Monica: Chandler, please! Do you know how unbelievably glad I am that Joey was
 not there that night?!
 Joey: Hey! (Monica turns and looks at him) Now I'm a man of the cloth, but
 I still have feelings!
 Chandler: (To Joey) Look there is no way you're doing this wedding now.
 Okay?
 Joey: What?! That's not fair! It's not my fault! I was off with my
 bridesmaid! And who's to say I would've even said yes?! (To Monica) I
 mean I would've said yes. Chandler look y-y-you are making way too big a deal out of
 this, all right? Look, everything worked out okay!
 Chandler: Okay, it's just weird! Okay? I don't want to be standing
 their saying my vows and then having the mental image of you and Monica! I-I-I need I
 don't know what I need. I need a walk.
 Monica: Wait Chandler come on, let's it's not a big deal!
 Chandler: It is to me. You wanted to sleep with Batman, and instead you
 had to settle for Robin. (Walks out and slams the door.)
 Joey: This is crazy.
 Phoebe: I know! Robin is so gay!
 [Scene: Carol and Susan's, Rachel is talking with Ben.]
 Rachel: So now what have we agreed?
 Ben: No more pranks.
 Rachel: And-and what else?
 Ben: That you and daddy were not on a break.
 Rachel: Very good.
 (There's a knock on the door and Ross enters.)
 Ross: Rachel! What are you doing here?
 Rachel: I'm just visiting my good friend Carol.
 Ross: Your good friend?
 Rachel: Yeah!
 Ross: What's her last name?
 Rachel: Carol Lesbian?
 Ross: Nice. And by the way that uh, that line down my face?
 Rachel: What line?
 Ross: Wh-wh-what line? The line that prompted a student in my last class
 of the day to say uh, (In a college frat boy voice) 'Dude, don't you ever wash
 your face?'
 Rachel: All right, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't tell you but you
 were so mad already!
 Ross: Of course I was mad! I told you I-I hate this stuff! Okay? It-it's
 not funny!
 Carol: (entering from the kitchen) Hey Ross!
 Ross: Hi.
 Carol: What's not funny?
 Ross: Practical jokes.
 Carol: Oh I I think they're funny.
 Ross: You have a line down your face.
 Carol: What? (Goes and checks.)
 Rachel: Okay, maybe they are not funny to you
 Carol: (yelling from the bathroom) Oh my God!
 Rachel: Or Carol! But they're funny to kids and who is it hurting?!
 Ross: Uh, y'know what? I'll tell you who it hurts! It hurts the kid
 who has all his clothes stolen in gym class so he has to go to the principal's office
 wearing nothing but a catcher's mitt!
 Rachel: That was you?! We heard about you in Junior High! Did you really
 just shake your fist in the air and shout, 'I will be revenged?!'
 Ross: I will be! Listen, I don't want you teaching my son that stuff
 anymore. Okay?
 Rachel: Fine. Fine, but I'll have you know that once I taught him that
 stuff he called me Fun Aunt Rachel. And I loved being Fun Aunt Rachel but I'll go
 back to being Boring and Uncomfortable Aunt Rachel if that's what you want!


Ross: No that's not what I want. Uh, I'm glad you guys were bonding
 but I
 Rachel: Look he doesn't have any brothers or sisters, somebody's gonna
 have to teach him this stuff! And I haven't taught him anything that a normal
 6-year-old doesn't know anyway!
 Ben: (yelling from off camera) Crap!!
 Rachel: I gotta go! (Runs out.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is sulking on the couch as Joey enters to talk with
 him.]
 Joey: Hey.
 Chandler: Hey. Do you want this scone? (Holds up his plate) It came for me but
 it would probably rather sleep with you!
 Joey: Chandler, come on nothing even happened!
 Chandler: Look Joe, I know you wanted to do the wedding
 Joey: No-hey-no! If you don't want me to do it, I accept that. I don't
 care about that. I just I don't want you to be upset.
 Chandler: How can I not be upset? Okay? I finally fall in love with this
 fantastic woman and it turns out that she wanted you first!
 Joey: Yeah for like a half an hour one night! Chandler, she wants you for the
 rest of her life! You're so lucky! Look what I missed out on by not being there!
 Although you know what? It could never have worked like you guys did,  cause you guys
 are perfect for each other. Y'know, we look at you and-and we see you together and it
 just it-it fits. Y'know? And you just know it's gonna last forever.
 Chandler: That's what you should say.
 Joey: What?
 Chandler: When you're marrying us; that's what you should say.
 Joey: Really? I can do it?
 Chandler: I'd love it if you would do it.
 Joey: Hey! (They hug.)
 Chandler: But those are the words! Those exact words!
 Joey: Well I don't know if I remember exactly but, it's-it's pretty
 much about having and giving and sharing and receiving.
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is in the kitchen as Ross and Ben are entering.]
 Ross: Hey!
 Rachel: Hey!
 Ross: Hey I'm sorry to do this to you again but uh, is there any way you
 can look after Ben for a little bit? I-I've got this meeting at school. And-and he-he
 asked for his uh,  Fun Aunt' Rachel, so
 Rachel: Ohhh! Well of course I will watch him! We have fun, don't we Ben?
 (He nods yes.)
 Ross: Okay, I'll see you later pal.
 (Ross turns to leave.)
 Rachel: Ohh, okay. (Ross has a sign on his back that reads  Poop.')
 Wh Ah-ha! (Ross stops and turns.) Wait a minute. Uh Ben, I can't do it.
 Ross: What?
 Rachel: I can't let him go out that way, he's got a meeting. (To Ross)
 You've got something here on your back.
 Ross: What? (She takes the sign off and hands it to him.) That's great.
 That is great. (Crumples up the paper and throws it down in anger.) What did we just
 finish talking about Ben?!
 Rachel: Oh I
 Ben: What did we just finish talking about Ben?!
 Ross: All right, that's it! (He runs over to Ben, who runs past him and
 out the door.) Come you no! You are in big trouble young man!
 Rachel: No! Wait! Come on!
 [Cut to the hallway, Ben runs upstairs with Ross in pursuit.]
 Ross: Wait! No! Ben, come here! I am not kidding!
 Rachel: No you guys  (She walks out into the hallway.)
 Ross: I-I-am (Suddenly Ross starts screaming and comes falling down the
 stairs landing just in front of Rachel.)
 Rachel: EHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! My God!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my God!!!!!!! (She runs over to
 him and finds that it was a dummy and that she had been had.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are entering. Phoebe and Joey are sitting on
 the couch.]
 Joey: Hey!
 Monica: Hey-hey.
 Joey: So are guys doing okay?
 Chandler: Yeah, we talked and Monica made me see that I over reacted a little
 bit and some things in life are more important.
 Monica: Yeah baby! (Phoebe and Joey nod.)
 Phoebe: I'm really glad you guys are okay but, I just keep thinking what
 would happen if-if you two (Points to Monica and Joey) actually had hooked up.
 [Scene: Monica and Joey's, Monica is cooking.]
 Monica: Honey! Dinner's ready!
 (Joey, whose new diet is working out great, he looks like he only weighs 375 down from
 420 enters from the bedroom.)
 Fat Joey: What's my little chef got for me tonight?
 Monica: Your favorite!
 Joey: Ho-ho-ho, (pausing for a rest next to the fridge) fried stuff with cheese!
 Monica: Yep! And lot's of it!
 Fat Joey: Thanks sweetheart. Give me a little sugar here. (They
 kiss.) Okay.
 (Joey sits down.)
 Monica: Okay, in we go.
 (Monica gets behind him and in combination with his sliding the chair forward and her
 pushing with her leg manages to get up to the table.)
 Fat Joey: Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! (Groans and picks
 up a piece of food.) How you doin'?
 Ending Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is getting Phoebe some coffee.]


 The One With The Cheap Wedding Dress
 The One With The Cheap Wedding Dress
 Teleplay by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
 Story by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey are there. Monica is holding a
 piece of paper.]
 Monica: So the wedding caterer sent me this list of twelve appetizers and I have
 to narrow it down to six.
 Joey: Food? Uh-huh gimme! (She hands him the paper.)
 Chandler: So did Monica tell you about this great band called the Swing Kings
 that we're trying to get to play at the wedding?
 Phoebe: Since when are you into swing music?
 Chandler: Oh since forever! I used to go all over town listening to bands!
 Monica: Chandler.
 Chandler: Gap commercial. (To Monica) So did you book them? Did you call?
 Monica: I will.
 Chandler: Do you want me to call?
 Monica: No, I'll do it. You just stick to your job.
 Phoebe: What is your job?
 Chandler: Staying out of the way.
 Joey: This is impossible Monica, why don't you just pick all 15? (Hands
 back the paper.)
 Monica: There were only twelve.
 Joey: Oh yeah, I added three.
 Monica: What are peanut butter fingers?!
 Joey: Oh yeah  (He mimes sticking his fingers into a jar of peanut butter,
 scooping some out, and eating it off his fingers.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: A Street, Chandler and Ross are at a newsstand.]
 Ross: (noticing a beautiful woman moving in down the street) Well hello!
 She's cute! Should we uh, go try to talk to her?
 Chandler: Sure! That's one of the great things about being engaged.
 I'm not nervous talking to pretty girls anymore.
 The Woman: Could you guys help me? (Chandler shyly exhales and looks away.)
 Ross: Uh yeah! Let me, let me get that for you.
 The Woman: It-it's really heavy.
 Ross: (exhales) I got it. (He lifts the box and grunts under the strain.)
 (Calmly) So hi, I'm uh, I'm Ross and this is my friend Chandler. (He shyly
 waves.)
 The Woman: I-I am Kristen.
 Ross: Kristen, hi. Are you uh, new to the area,  cause if you
 are I'd love to show you around sometime.
 Kristen: I I uh, actually just moved from four blocks over.
 Ross: Ah.
 Kristen: But-but this block is like a whole other world.
 Ross: Y'know actually it does have a very interesting history. Uh, this
 street is the first street in the city to have an underground sewer system. (Kristen
 crinkles her nose at that.) Before that sewage and waste would just flow right down the
 street. Yeah, sometimes ankle deep! (He stops when he realizes what he's talking
 about.)
 Chandler: (To Ross) Smooth.
 Kristen: (To Chandler) Excuse me? (Chandler does the shy thing again.)
 Ross: Umm, say you're gonna be starving after all this moving. What do you
 say I take you to dinner tonight?
 Kristen: Oh I'd like that.
 Ross: Yeah?
 Kristen: Yeah.
 Ross: Great! Uh, let me take this up for you. (The box he's holding.)
 Kristen: After you.
 Ross: Oh no-no, after you. (She grabs a chair and heads upstairs.) (When
 she's gone.) Oh my God! (He drops the box and Chandler can't pick it up.)
 [Scene: A Bridal Shop, Phoebe and Rachel are waiting for Monica who is trying on her
 wedding dress.]
 Phoebe: (wearing a veil) Am I crazy or does this totally go?!
 (Monica enters from the dressing room wearing her gown.)
 Rachel: Oh my God! You look so beautiful!
 Phoebe: (To Rachel) Thank you Rachel but, look at Monica!
 Monica: This is it. Yeah, this is the one. I can't believe I found it!
 (Another woman walks up.)
 The Woman: Wow you look so beautiful! If I knew you, I'd cry.
 Monica: Well I'm Monica Geller, ball like a baby.
 The Woman: I'm Megan Bailey.
 Monica: Have you found your dress yet?
 Megan: Oh no, these dresses are all so amazing but there is no way I could
 afford one.
 Monica: No, I can't afford this either. No. I-I-I'm, I'm just
 here to
 figure out which one I want then I'm gonna get it at Kleinman's, this discount
 place in Brooklyn, day after tomorrow they are having a huge sale.
 Megan: Oh, thanks for the tip.
 Monica: Yeah! So-so when are you getting married?
 Megan: Oh I'm not, I just like to try these on.
 Rachel: I do the same thing.
 Megan: I'm just kidding. I'm getting married July 25th.
 Rachel: I'm just kidding too. (Laughs) I'm getting married in
 December. (Turns away not happy with herself.)
 Megan: (To Monica) So when are you getting married?
 Monica: Oh May 15th.
 Megan: Oooh it's getting close!
 Monica: Yeah!
 Megan: So uh, who's your photographer?
 Monica: Jeffery.
 Megan: We met with him. Did he show you the photos of the nude wedding he did?


Monica: The best man? Wow!
 Megan: I know! I almost called off my wedding. Oh, who's your band?!
 Monica: Oh, my fiancee wants the Swing Kings.
 Megan: Oh, you're so lucky. My fiancee wants the heavy metal band Carcass.
 Phoebe: Ooh, is that spelled with a  C' or a  K'? Oh my God!
 It doesn't matter; they're both great!
 (Another woman walks past Rachel carrying a wedding dress.)
 Rachel: Oh y'know what? Y'know what? Now that you know what you want
 you should go to Kleinman's and get it half off. This place is so overpriced.
 The Woman: I own this store.
 Rachel: So, does this (the dress) come in another color or  (The store
 owner walks away.)
 [Scene: A Street, Joey is walking by Kristen, who is still moving in.]
 Joey: (checking her out) Hi! You uh, movin' in or movin' out?
 Kristen: I'm moving in.
 Joey: Oh uh, can I give you a hand?
 Kristen: Oh okay. But y'know what? Be careful. Because a guy who was helping me
 before had to leave because he hurt his back.
 Joey: Boyfriend?
 Kristen: No.
 Joey: I'm Joey. (They shake hands.)
 Kristen: Kristen.
 Joey: Oh wow, what a beautiful name! (Pause) What is it again?
 Kristen: Kristen.
 Joey: Got it! (He picks up a lamp.) So
 Kristen: So uh, do you live around here?
 Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Right down there. (Points.) Hey listen; let me give you a
 little tip. Do not take a nap on this stoop (Points to hers) or you can wake up with your
 shoes gone.
 Kristen: I'll remember that.
 Joey: Okay. Yeah. Listen would you uh, would you like to have dinner with me
 tonight?
 Kristen: Oh I, I have plans tonight.
 Joey: Oh.
 Kristen: But how about tomorrow?
 Joey: Sounds great! Okay, alright, well where does this go? (The lamp he's
 holding.)
 Kristen: You look strong, why don't I take that and you grab one of the
 boxes.
 Joey: Okay. Yeah. (She leaves and he goes to pick up a box marked books, but
 decides to take the box marked pillows instead.) Yeah, I'll grab this one. (He
 follows her upstairs.)
 [Scene: Kleinman's, a horde of women including Rachel, Phoebe, and Monica are
 waiting for the store to open.]
 A Woman: What is taking so long?! I mean whatever!
 Rachel: (To Phoebe) So this is Brooklyn.
 Monica: All right, listen up. There is usually only one dress in each size so
 when they open those doors, fan out. Now, this is what you're looking for! (Holds up
 a picture of it.) Memorize it! When you locate the dress, blow on these. All right? (She
 passes out whistles to them.) Three short blasts. When you hear it, come running.
 Rachel: Okay.
 Phoebe: Got it.
 Monica: All right.
 (A worker comes to open the door and the horde starts to press forward.)
 A Woman: Here he comes! Hurry!
 Rachel: Oh they're pushing! They're pushing!!
 Monica: (To Rachel) Hey! Don't be a baby!
 Rachel: Well I
 (The door opens allowing the horde to charge in, knocking Rachel out of the way and to
 the ground.)
 A Woman: Let's go!!
 Phoebe: (coming back out) Hey! Rachel! Come on!!!!
 [Time lapse, inside the store, Monica is frantically looking for her dress.]
 Monica: No. No. Not it. Not it. Not it. (Checks another rack and another woman
 tries to reach around her.) (To the woman) Don't crowd me! (Finds it) This is it!
 This is the dress! Oh my God, it's perfect! (She takes it off of the rack and someone
 has a hold of it on the other side of the rack and tugs on it.) I'm sorry, this
 one's taken! (The other woman tugs harder pulling Monica through the rack.) Whoa!
 Monica: Megan!
 Megan: Monica!
 Monica: You came?!
 Megan: Yeah!
 Monica: This is my dress!
 Megan: No!
 Monica: Yes it is! You saw me wearing it!
 Megan: And now you'll see me buying it.
 Monica: What? You freak! You wouldn't even have known about this place if
 it wasn't for me!
 Megan: Look, you don't want to fight me.
 Monica: Maybe I do! I'm pretty feisty! (She blows the signal.)
 [Cut to Phoebe in another part of the store.]
 Phoebe: (hearing the signal) I'm coming! I'm coming! (She takes off
 towards the signal and almost knocks another woman over.)
 Woman: Hey!
 (She hears another signal in another direction.)
 Phoebe: Okay! (Runs that way and hears another whistle blast.) Hey! (Heads the
 other way and hears another blast.) What do I do?!! (She runs in the second direction and
 finds that the whistling is coming from inside a rack. She moves the dresses out of the
 way to find Rachel curled up in a fetal position frantically blowing on the whistle.) What
 are you doing? (Rachel doesn't stop.) Did you find the dress? (Rachel won't stop
 so Phoebe pinches her nose shut which causes her to spit the whistle out.)


Phoebe: Did you find the dress?
 Rachel: No! You gotta get me out of here Phoebe! These bargain shoppers are
 crazy!
 Phoebe: I We gotta get Monica. (She starts to leave.)
 Rachel: No! You gotta hold my hand!!
 Phoebe: Oh my God!! (She grabs Rachel's hand and drags her towards Monica.)
 Excuse me! Excuse me! (She's knocking women and veils out of the way as she moves.)
 (She gets to Monica who has the dress balled up in one hand and is sitting on Megan who
 is sprawled out on the floor.)
 Monica: (handing Phoebe the dress) Go! Go! Go!
 Rachel: (seeing who's trapped) Hey
 Monica: NOW!!!!!!!! (Rachel runs off and Monica gets up to follow her.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are there.]
 Chandler: So Ross, how was your date the other night? Did you tell her about the
 magical ride that starts with the flush of every toilet?
 Ross: Laugh all you want but uh, she actually left me a message saying
 she'd like to go out again.
 Chandler: Huh.
 Ross: Yeah in fact, I'm gonna go call her right now. And I'll make
 sure to tell her my friend Chandler says  (He mimics the shy reaction Chandler did.)
 Joey: (entering) Hey Chandler!
 Chandler: Hey!
 Joey: Listen, sorry I didn't stop by last night but I had a date.
 Chandler: Uh Joe, when it's one o'clock in the morning and you
 don't come by? That's okay!
 Joey: Well check it out, I was with this really hot girl who just moved in right
 across the street!
 Chandler: Really? Right across the street?
 Joey: Yeah!
 Chandler: When'd you meet her?
 Joey: Two days ago.
 Chandler: Excellent! Y'know Ross met somebody too!
 Joey: Oh yeah?
 Ross: (returning) Hey.
 Chandler: Hi! How'd it go?
 Ross: Oh great! We're going out again Saturday. But I just found she's
 also seeing some other guy.
 Chandler: (sarcastically shocked) Really?! Joe? What would you do if you were in
 Ross's situation?
 Joey: Well, I sorta am. I mean yeah, I'm dating this girl who's also
 seeing another guy. But, I don't know, I'm not too worried about it.
 Ross: Well you shouldn't be. Believe me I wouldn't want to be the guy
 who's up against you. (Chandler laughs.) I mean that doofus is going to lose!
 Chandler: So this is nice! I wish I didn't have to go, believe me! But
 unfortunately I have to. (He gets up and Joey moves over next to Ross.) Oh uh, by the way,
 what's the name of the girl you're dating?
 Joey and Ross: Kristen Lang.
 Chandler: Bye! (Exits.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Central Perk, time lapse from the earlier scene.]
 Ross: Well obviously only one of us can keep dating her.
 Joey: Obviously! So, how do we decide?
 Ross: Well now let's-let's look at this objectively, I think I should
 date her
 Joey: (not buying it) Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Or, or I'm the one who dates
 her.
 Ross: That's interesting, but check this out. I date her
 Joey: Yeah-yeah I like that but just to go in another direction
 Ross: Okay, okay. This can go on for a while.
 Joey: Yeah well we should order some food then.
 Ross: No Joey! Look why don't, why don't we just let her decide? Okay?
 Hey-hey, we'll each go out with her one more time. And-and we'll see who
 she likes best.
 Joey: (smiling) That sounds fair.
 Ross: Maybe I'll take her to that new French restaurant down the
 street
 Joey: Ah yeah wait a second now! Look we're gonna have to set a
 spending limit on the date. I don't have the money to take her to a fancy place like
 that.
 Ross: Well sorry, that's what I do on dates.
 Joey: All right, well I guess I'll just have to do what I do on dates.
 Ross: So let's decide on the spending limit
 Joey: Yeah. Uh, (thinks) a slice (Thinks) six dollars?
 Ross: I was thinking more like a hundred.
 Joey: Okay. Can I borrow 94 dollars?
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are admiring Monica's
 wedding dress.]
 Monica: Oh
 Phoebe: I know. Hand me a tissue. (Monica hands her one.)
 (Rachel goes to the fridge, opens it, and blows on the whistle Monica gave her at the
 store, which causes Phoebe and Monica to turn around and look at her.)
 Rachel: You're out of Diet Coke.
 (The phone rings and Monica answers it as Rachel goes into the bathroom.)
 Monica: Hello? (Listens) What?! (Listens) You what?! (Listens) Hey you listen
 here missy! (Listens) Wh (She is hung up on.)
 Phoebe: What?!
 Monica: That was that girl Megan! She booked the Swing Kings on the day of our
 wedding and said that I couldn't have them back unless I gave her the dress!
 Phoebe: (gasps) Does that mean Carcass is available?
 Monica: What am I gonna do?! That is the dress! That is the dress!
 Wh Chandler wants the band. What do I do?


Phoebe: Well just figure out a way to talk him out of it.
 Monica: How?
 (There are three short whistle blasts from the bathroom.)
 Rachel: You're out of toilet paper!
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is getting ready for his date with Kristen.]
 Joey: (entering) Hey!
 Ross: Hey! What's up?
 Joey: I just wanted to come by and y'know, wish you good luck on your date.
 Ross: Oh thanks!
 Joey: Yeah. What time are you meeting her?
 Ross: We have 8:00 reservations at Gramercy Bistro.
 Joey: Wow, that's in like 20 minutes. You'd better get dressed.
 Ross: I am dressed.
 Joey: Oh. Well good! (To himself) For me. (He picks up a jar of lotion.) What is
 this? Did you give yourself a facial?
 Ross: I have an oily T-zone!
 Joey: Okay dude! (Finds a receipt.) Hey you uh, you sent Kristen flowers.
 Ross: That's right.
 Joey: You spent a hundred dollars. That's the limit. You're screwed!
 Ross: Uh actually, I sent the flowers before the actual date. So
 technically, technically
 I didn't break any rules. Thanks for stopping by though.
 Joey: Oh-oh! So that's the way it's gonna be huh? Yeah I can break the
 rules too y'know!
 Ross: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do?
 Joey: I don't know.
 Ross: Why am I not surprised?
 Joey: Y'know what Ross? I'm not gonna let you get away with this!
 Ross: I don't think you have much choice.
 Joey: Well we'll see!
 Ross: Bye-bye!
 Joey: Yeah bye-bye! (Exits and comes back in still holding the lotion.) Hey! So
 just a light layer?
 Ross: Yes. Yes. Just here (Runs his fingers down the bridge of his nose) and
 there (Runs his fingers across his forehead).
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is entering without touching anything with his
 hands. Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are there.]
 Chandler: Joey got meat sauce on the banister again! (He goes into the bathroom
 to wash his hands.)
 Phoebe: Yeah, swing music is so out.
 Monica: Phoebe, he's gotta be in the room for that to work.
 Chandler: (returning) What are you guys talking about?
 Monica: Well umm, we were just talking about the y'know, the Swing Kings
 and just wondering whether y'know, they were the right way to go.
 Rachel: Yeah, I went to a wedding once where they had swing music and uh, two
 months later the couple got divorced. And now I'm not saying that there's any
 connection here y'know, but they did tell me that's why they got divorced.
 Chandler: But I love swing music!
 Phoebe: Yeah but the Swing Kings? Y'know they suck so much that people
 actually die at their concerts They just stop living.
 Chandler: Look all I know is when Monica and I went to see them, we had fun! And
 there's another reason too.
 Rachel: Well, what is the other reason?
 Chandler: I don't want to say.
 Rachel: Well you have to because maybe it's stupid.
 Chandler: Well it's just while Monica and I were dancing to them it
 was the first time I knew that you were the woman I wanted to dance all my
 dances with.
 Monica: Oh crap!
 [Scene: Gramercy Bistro, Ross and Kristen are waiting for their table to be ready.
 Ross is returning from talking to the Maitre d'.]
 Ross: So they said our table will be ready in just a few minutes.
 Kristen: Oh great!
 Ross: Yeah.
 Kristen: Is your back feeling better?
 Ross: Oh yeah it's fine. I guess the more muscles you have the more they
 can spasm out of control.
 Joey: (entering) Kristen?
 Kristen: Joey!
 Joey: Hi!
 Kristen: Hi! What are you doing here?
 Joey: Oh I like this place. And technically, technically I'm not breaking
 any rules so I
 Kristen: Well uh, Ross? This is Joey. Joey? Ross.
 Joey: Hi!
 Ross: Hi. (They shake hands.) It's nice to meet you. I used to have a
 friend named Joey. I don't anymore.
 Kristen: Our table will be ready in a couple minutes.
 Ross: Yeah. So
 Joey: Sure! I would love to wait with you guys! Thanks! (Sits down.)
 Ross: So Joey umm, you look familiar. Are uh, are you on TV or something?
 Kristen: Well Joey doesn't like to talk about it but, he's one of the
 stars of Days Of Our Lives.
 Ross: That's right! That's right, don't you play a woman?
 Joey: A woman in a man's body.
 Ross: Much better.
 Joey: So y'know Ross it's funny  cause, you look familiar to me
 too. Have you ever been married?
 Ross: Well yes, yes I have. In fact umm, just the other day Kristen and I were
 talking about how I've been married and how I have a son.
 Kristen: Yeah, little Eric.
 Ross: That's right! Wait no, Ben.
 Joey: So you've just married the one time then?
 Ross: Well umm
 Kristen: You've been married twice?


 The One With Joey's Award
 The One With Joey's Award
 Teleplay by: Brian Boyle
 Story by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Monica are there as Joey is entering excitedly.]
 Joey: Hey! You guys! You're not gonna believe this! I just got off the
 phone with my agent
 Phoebe: Oh my God! (Joey looks at her.) I'm sorry, too soon. You go.
 Joey: Okay. I got nominated for my part on Days of Our Lives!
 Monica: Joey!
 Phoebe: Good for you!
 Monica: Congratulations! Wow! I can't believe you're nominated for an Emmy!
 Joey: No-no.
 Monica: Oh Soap Opera Digest award!
 Joey: No! I'm up for a Soapie!
 Monica: Honey? Is that something you're making up?
 Joey: No, no, no! It's real! And it has been since 1998. (Rachel returns
 from the bathroom.) Hey Rach! Rach! I'm up for a Soapie!
 Rachel: (gasps) Oh my God! Oh my God!! That is like the third most prestigious
 soap opera award there is!
 Joey: Thank you! Well, I guess now I know who I'm taking to the awards.
 (Points to Rachel.)
 Rachel: Oh, stop that! Don't kid about that! (Gasps) Will all the stars be
 there?
 Joey: Many are scheduled to appear.
 Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God! I can't go! I'm gonna be too nervous!
 Monica: (to Joey) Okay, I'll go!
 Rachel: No!! You are getting married! This is all I have.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: N.Y.U, Ross is giving a lecture.]
 Ross:  and it was Ernst Muhlbrat who first hypothesized that the
 Velociraptor would expand it's collar and emit a high pitched noise to frighten
 it's predator. (A student raises his hand.) Yes Mr. Lewis?
 Lewis: What kinda noise?
 Ross: Just a high pitched intimidating noise.
 Lewis: But like how?
 Ross: Well we-we don't know for sure. But in my head it-it sounded
 something like this. (He makes a high pitched noise and Alan doesn't know what to
 make of it.) Of course, this is just conjecture. Okay, that's uh, that's all for
 today. (Everyone starts to get up.) Uh Mr. Morse, can I see you for a moment?
 Morse: Yes sir.
 Ross: Mr. Morse I need to talk to you about your mid-term exam, I'm afraid
 I-I had to fail you.
 Morse: (shocked) Why?!
 Ross: Well you need 60% to pass
 Morse: What'd I get?
 Ross: Seven.
 Morse: That's not so good.
 Ross: No-no it's not. What-what happened there Ned?
 Morse: Well maybe you can cut me some slack. I'm sort of in love.
 Ross: Well I'm sorry but, that-that's really not my problem.
 Morse: I'm in love with you.
 Ross: Well that brings me in the loop a little.
 Morse: You see, that's why I did so bad on this test. I'm having a
 hard time concentrating. When you're up there (Points to the podium) and you're
 teaching and your face gets all serious you look so good. (In a sexy voice) You wear
 that tight little turtleneck sweater
 Ross: Okay! (Walks away from him.) Umm, I uh, I'm your teacher. I'm
 sorry, you're-you're a student and I-and I like women. In spite of what may be
 written on the backs of some of these chairs.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are drinking coffee and Phoebe notices a cute
 guy checking them out.]
 Phoebe: Oh my God! That guy at the counter is totally checking you out!
 Monica: Really? (Looks.) My God, he's really cute.
 Phoebe: Go for it.
 Monica: Phoebe, I'm engaged!
 Phoebe: I'm just saying, get his number just in case. But no: Chandler is in
 an accident and can't perform sexually and he would want you to take a lover to
 satisfy the needs that he can no longer fulfill.
 The Cute Guy: (To Monica) Hi!
 Monica: Op, can I just tell you something? Very flattered but umm, I'm
 engaged. (Points to her ring.)
 The Cute Guy: Wow! Uh, this is kind of embarrassing. I was actually coming over to
 talk to your friend.
 Monica: Well you should be embarrassed. (Leaves.)
 The Cute Guy: (To Phoebe) I thought you knew I was looking at you.
 Phoebe: I did, but that was really fun.
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sitting in the chair.]
 Joey: (pretending to be an announcer) And the winner is Joey Tribbiani! (He
 then gets excited and goes over to the counter to practice his acceptance speech using a
 bottle of maple syrup as the award.) Oh  Wow! I honestly never expected this. I uh, I
 didn't prepare a speech. But umm, I'd like to thank (Rachel enters quietly) my
 parents, who've always been there for me. I'd also like to thank my friends,
 Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Rachel
 Rachel: I'm fourth! (Joey is startled.) Look at you with your little maple
 syrup award!
 Joey: Yeah may-maybe you don't tell anyone about this.
 Rachel: What? No! It's not a big deal! I do that too, with my shampoo
 bottle.


Joey: Really?
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Joey: What award are you practicing for?
 Rachel: Grammy, Best New Artist.
 Joey: Oh, hey listen! The Soapie's called today, and I also get to present
 an award.
 Rachel: Ohh that's great!
 Joey: Yeah!
 Rachel: So you'll definitely get onstage, even if you don't win.
 Joey: (confused) What you-you don't think I'm gonna win?
 Rachel: Well of course I do! But y'know, favorite returning character is a
 tough category Joey. I mean you're up against the guy who survived his own cremation.
 Joey: Yeah. No-no I-I know I might not win, but it's just I've
 never even been nominated before! I want it so much.
 Rachel: Well Joey, you'll probably get it. But you should probably
 start practicing your gracious loser face. Y'know when like the cameras are on you and you wanna
 look disappointed, but also that your colleague deserved to win. Y'know? So it's
 sorta like  (Does it, you'll have to see it.)
 Joey: Hey! (Likes it.)
 Rachel: Y'know?
 Joey: You practice losing the Grammies too?
 Rachel: Oh no, at the Grammies I always win.
 Joey: Ah.
 [Scene: Monica's Restaurant Kitchen, she's cooking as Phoebe enters.]
 Phoebe: Oh hey!
 Monica: Hey! How'd your date go with Jake?
 Phoebe: Oh, great! We couldn't keep our eyes off each other all night and
 then every once and a while y'know, he'd kinda lean over and stroke my hair and
 touch my neck. (Does that to Monica.)
 Monica: Okay, stop it Phoebe, you're getting me all tingly.
 Phoebe: (laughs) All I could think of was y'know, 'Is he gonna kiss
 me? Is he gonna kiss me?'
 Monica: And did he?
 Phoebe: I'm a lady Monica, I don't kiss and tell. But this hickey
 speaks for itself. (She starts to open up her blouse.)
 Monica: Okay-okay, I got it. I got it.
 Phoebe: I just like him so much that I just feel like I've had 10 drinks
 today and I've only had six.
 Monica: Oh, I haven't had that feeling since I first started going out with
 Chandler. Wow, I'm never gonna have that feeling again, am I?
 Phoebe: You sound like a guy.
 Monica: No, a guy would be saying, 'I'm never gonna get to sleep with
 anyone else.' Oh my God! I'm never gonna get to sleep with anyone else!
 I've been so busy planning the wedding that I forgot about all the things that
 I'd be giving up! I mean, I I'm never gonna have a first kiss again.
 Phoebe: You'll have a last kiss.
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is helping Joey with his tie.]
 Ross: Can I ask you something? Have you ever had a guy have a crush on you?
 Joey: Is that why you wanted to tie my tie?
 Ross: There's this kid in my class who said he's in love with me.
 Joey: Whoa!
 Rachel: (entering from her room) Whoa what?
 Joey: Ross has a boyfriend.
 Ross: I do-I do not have a boyfriend. There's a guy in one of my
 classes who-who has a crush on me.
 Rachel: Really?
 Ross: Yeah! I don't know. I mean, last year Elizabeth now-now this kid.
 What-what-what-what is it?! Am I giving out some kind of sexy professor vibe? (Rachel
 and Joey both look at him.)
 Rachel: Not right now.
 Ross: It-it The point is my natural charisma has made him fail his midterm.
 Rachel: Oh, see now I feel bad for the kid! I had a crush on a teacher once and
 it was so hard! Y'know you I couldn't concentrate and I blushed every time
 he looked at me. I mean come on, you remember what's it's like to be 19 and in
 love.
 Ross: Yeah. I guess I can cut him some slack.
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Joey: How'd you get over that teacher?
 Rachel: I didn't. I got under him.
 Joey: (To Ross) Problem solved.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is saying good-bye to her boyfriend Jake at the door to
 Central Perk.]
 Jake: Bye Phoebe.
 Phoebe: Okay bye. (They kiss.)
 Jake: All right. Bye. (Backs out the door.)
 Phoebe: Bye! (Phoebe goes over and joins Monica on the couch.) We said good-bye
 at the door so as not to flaunt our new love.
 Monica: Phoebe, it's okay. You don't have to tip toe around me.
 I-I've been thinking about it and umm, y'know what? I'm okay about not
 having that new relationship feeling
 Jake: (yelling through the window to Phoebe) I miss you already!!
 Phoebe: (yelling back) I miss you too!!!! (He walks away.)
 Monica: See? That's what I mean. I mean that, that's great! But
 I wouldn't trade in what I have for that. I mean I'm gonna be with Chandler for
 the rest of my life, and that's what makes me happy. (Chandler approaches.) Hey
 sweetie, come here! Come sit down. Hey Phoebe and I were just talking about how our
 relationship is deep and meaningful. It really is, don't you think?


Chandler: Oh totally! (Holds up his finger.) Pull my finger.
 [Scene: The 2001 Soapie Awards, Joey's category is up next and the presenter walks
 to the podium.]
 Announcer: Presenting the award for Favorite Returning Male Character is
 McKensize
 [Cut to Joey and Rachel's table.]
 Joey: (To Rachel) This is it! This is my category.
 Rachel: I know! My God! Do you have your speech?
 Joey: Yeah, I got my speech!
 Rachel: Do you got your gracious loser face?
 Joey: Yeah. (Does it.)
 Rachel: Now Joey remember, if you win you have to hug me! You hug me!
 Joey: Okay. Can I squeeze your ass?
 Rachel: On TV?! Yeah!
 Joey:  Kay!
 [Cut to the presenter.]
 The Presenter:  in the category of Favorite Returning Male Character the
 nominees are: John Wheeler from General Hospital (Applause), Gavin Grant from The
 Young and the Restless (Applause), Duncan Harrington from Passions (Applause),
 and Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives (Applause). And the Soapie goes
 to (She opens the envelope) Gavin Grant from The Young and the Restless!
 Joey: What the?! (Joey pounds the table and starts yelling at Rachel, and which
 is drowned out by applause. Rachel is desperately trying to tell Joey that he's on TV
 right now. He finally notices and he does his gracious loser face.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: The 2001 Soapie Awards, the announcer is introducing the next presenter.]
 Announcer: Presenting the award for Favorite Supporting Actress is Joey Tribbiani
 from Days of Our Lives. (Applause as Joey angrily walks to the podium and eyes the
 trophy.)
 Joey: (angrily and monotone) Any one of the brilliant actresses nominated for
 this award tonight deserves to take it home. Unfortunately only one can. (Shakes his head
 in disgust.) The nominees for Best Supporting Actress are: from Passions: Erin Goff.
 (There is applause, which Joey disgustedly waits to die out.) From One Life to Live:
 Mary Loren Bishop (They start to applaud again, but Joey interrupts in with the rest of
 the nominees), from All My Children: Sarah McCann, and from Days of Our Lives:
 Jessica Ashley. And the winner is (Opens the envelope) Jessica Ashley from Days
 of Our Lives. (Applause) Uh, unfortunately Jessica couldn't be with us tonight, so
 I'll be accepting this award on her behalf. (Realizes something) And I'm sure
 that Jessica would like to thank my parents who always believed in me. She'd also
 like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel, who's
 sittin' right there! (Points at Rachel.) (The music starts and his microphone is
 turned off; this angers Joey again and he disgustedly exits.)
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Rachel are entering.]
 Rachel: Joey! Why did we have to rush out of there so fast?!
 Joey: Rach, we had to get out of there because: look what I won! (He whips out
 the award for Best Supporting Actress that he accepted for Jessica.)
 Rachel: Oh my God, you stole her award!
 Joey: No-no! No, I'm accepting it on her behalf. (He puts it up above the
 TV to display it.)
 Rachel: Joey I don't think you know what behalf means.
 Joey: Sure I do! It's a verb! As in, 'I behalfin' it!'
 Rachel: Joey, you have got to take this back!
 Joey: But why?! I should've won one and I really want it, and she
 didn't even care enough to come to the thing! It could also be a Grammy.
 Rachel: (looking at the award) No! Joey!
 Joey: Come on Rach! No one saw me take it! There was a whole table full of
  em.
 Rachel: Do you really want an award you didn't win?
 Joey: No! I want an award I did win! But nobody's giving me any of those!
 Plus Hey Rach, if-if I put it up there (Points to the TV) right? When people come
 over they'll see it and they'll think I won it.
 Rachel: Joey, it says Best Supporting Actress!
 Joey: I can scratch that right off.
 Rachel: Joey, no: this is wrong! You have to take it back, okay? You don't
 want to win an award this way. You're very talented. And someday you're gonna
 win one of these for real, and that one is gonna mean something.
 Joey: All right!
 Rachel: All right? (He sets the award down.) Thank you.
 Joey: I'll take it back tomorrow.
 Rachel: Thank you.
 (He goes into his room and closes the door. Rachel goes to pick it up and )
 Joey: (opening his door) If I can't have it you can't have it! (Rachel
 walks away angrily.)
 [Scene: Ross's Classroom, he is writing on the board and Alan is coming in to see
 him.]
 Lewis: Professor Geller?
 Ross: (turning towards him) Yes Mr. Lewis, how can I help you?
 Lewis: I know I didn't do well on my midterms and stuff but, I was kinda
 hoping you could change my grade.
 Ross: And why exactly would I do that? (Goes back to writing on the board.)
 Lewis: Because I'm in love with you.


Ross: (turning around and dragging the chalk down the board) What?!
 Lewis: Yeah, I'm all in love with you and stuff. So could you change
 my grade?
 Ross: No!
 Lewis: Well why not? You changed Ned's grade!
 Ross: Well that's different! Okay? Because he, he was actually in love with
 me!
 Lewis: No he's not! He's totally yanking your chain! He's done
 this with three other teachers!
 Ross: What?
 Lewis: He's got a girlfriend!
 Ross: I can't believe someone would do that for a grade.
 Lewis: I know! It's awful. I love you.
 (Ross glares at him.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Monica enters.]
 Monica: Have you seen Chandler?
 Phoebe: No. Why?
 Monica:  Cause I just keep thinking about all these things that I'm
 not gonna have, and it's freaking me out. I don't know what to do about it.
 Phoebe: Okay, don't sweat it. (Looking around her.) Chandler is nowhere
 around so go ahead get it out of your system. That guy's cute. (Points to a guy
 sitting behind Monica.)
 Monica: Phoebe! Come on, I'm serious! I just got to talk to him about all
 this.
 Phoebe: No, that is the last thing you want to do!
 Monica: Why?
 Phoebe: Because you're marrying him!
 Monica: You gotta help me out here Pheebs.
 Phoebe: All right, I've never been engaged and I've never really been
 married, but I can only tell you what my mother told me. Whenever you have doubts or fears
 or anxieties about a relationship, do not communicate them to your husband.
 Monica: So I'm not supposed to share my doubts and fears with the guy
 I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with?
 Phoebe: That is correct! Yes, you're supposed to take all of that stuff and
 put it in a little box in your mind and then lock it up tight.
 Monica: Your mother told you this?
 Phoebe: Yes!
 Monica: The woman that got married a bunch of times and killed herself when you
 were 13?
 Phoebe: Oh my God! You're right! Go! (Monica starts to leave.) Go tell
 Chandler! Hurry before it's too late! Wait no! (Monica stops.) Does this also mean
 putting out doesn't get you love? (Monica is shocked.)
 [Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey and Rachel are there to give Jessica her award.]
 Rachel: I cannot believe I'm gonna meet Jessica Ashley!
 Joey: Okay wait-wait p-please be cool! Okay? I work with this woman.
 Rachel: Okay, I'm totally cool! (She coolly knocks on the door)
 Jessica Ashley: Come in.
 (The enter.)
 Joey: Hey Jessica.
 Rachel: (coolly) Hey Jess.
 Joey: Ah, this is my friend Rachel.
 Jessica Ashley: Hi.
 Rachel:  Sup? (Joey glares at her.)
 Joey: Uh listen, here's your Soapie. I accepted it for ya. (Hands it to
 her.)
 Jessica Ashley: (shocked) Oh my God! I won! Do you have any idea what this
 means?! (She rolls her eyes and throws it onto the couch.)
 Joey: Well, that-that-that's it? You're gonna, you're gonna put
 it on your shelf or anything?
 Jessica Ashley: No, I try to save that for real awards. Now, if you'll
 excuse me. (She exits.)
 Joey: (To Rachel) Take it back?
 Rachel: Absolutely.
 Joey: Y-y-yeah! (As they start to leave, Rachel pauses and steals a vase with
 flowers in it.) Yeah you do. (They exit.)
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is talking to Chandler.]
 Monica: Honey, as we get closer to the wedding, is there anything that you would
 like to talk about or share?
 Chandler: Okay. Well, I think the centerpieces are too big
 Monica: You're wrong! The centerpieces are fine! Do you ever get scared at
 all?
 Chandler: Kinda. They're really big.
 Monica: Doesn't it ever just freak you out that-that you're never
 gonna be with anybody new again?
 Chandler: What?
 Monica: Just, I love you so much. Just It's just sometimes it bothers
 me that I'm never gonna have that feeling. Y'know when you meet someone for the
 first time and it's new and exciting? Y'know that rush?
 Chandler: No. No, see when I first meet somebody it's uh it's mostly
 panic, anxiety, and a great deal of sweating.
 Monica: Okay, but all right you're a guy, does it not freak you that
 you're never gonna sleep with anybody else?
 Chandler: Sleeping with somebody new: anxiety, panic, and, I'm afraid, even
 more sweating.
 Monica: Even with me?
 Chandler: I was dangerously dehydrated during the first six months of our
 relationship. (Monica laughs.) Look, for me the rush is knowing that we are gonna be
 together for the rest of our lives.
 Monica: Really?
 Chandler: Well yeah! But now that I know that you're having these thoughts,
 I'm back to panic, anxiety, and uh I'm definitely gonna need some kind of sports
 drink.
 Monica: Come here! Come here! (They hug.) Sweetie you don't have to worry.
 No, besides y'know what? I'm gonna have a lot of new things with you. The first
 time we buy a house. Our first kid. Our first grandkid


 The One With Ross and Monica's Cousin
 The One With Ross and Monica's Cousin
 Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are on the couch as Joey enters.]
 Phoebe: (To Joey) Oh hey! How was your audition?
 Joey: I'm sorry, do I know you?
 Phoebe: What are you doing?
 Joey: Nothing, I'm just practicing blowing you off because I'm gonna
 be a big movie star!
 Phoebe: Oh! You got it?!
 Joey:  Well no, not yet. But the audition went really good.
 Monica: What was it for?
 Joey: Oh, it's this big budget period movie about these three Italian
 brothers who come to America around the turn of the century. It's really classy! Oh,
 and the director is supposed to be the next next Martin Scorcese.
 Phoebe: The next next?
 Joey: Yeah, there's this guy from Chicago who's supposed to be the
 next Martin Scorcese, all right? But then this guy's right after him. (Joey's
 cell phone rings and he answers it.) Hello!
 Estelle: Joey! It's Estelle! I just talked to the casting
 people:
 they loved you!
 Joey: (to Monica and Phoebe) They loved me!
 Estelle: Yeah, they wanna see you again tomorrow.
 Joey: (on phone) Oh my God!
 Estelle: There's just one thing. Do you have a problem with full
 frontal nudity?
 Joey: Are you kidding me? I never rent a movie without it! (Listens) Oh.
 (Listens) Uh, okay uh let me call you back. (Hangs up.)
 Phoebe: What's the matter?
 Joey: They want me to be totally naked in the movie!
 Monica: Wow!
 Joey: I know! My grandmother's gonna see this!
 Phoebe: Grandma's gonna have to get in line.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, (although its really just Monica's now with Matthew
 Perry in rehab) Monica is folding her laundry with Ross reading the paper and Phoebe
 standing in the kitchen.]
 Phoebe: Hey, the wedding is so close! Are you getting nervous?
 Monica: Yeah. But a part of me also can't wait  til it's over.
 Chandler and I have this pact not to have sex again until the wedding.
 Ross: A no sex pact huh? I actually have one of those going on with every woman
 in America.
 Monica: Hey Phoebe, will you give me a hand?
 Phoebe: Sure.
 Monica: I gotta make up the guest bedroom. (To Ross) Hey, Cousin Cassie is
 coming to stay with us for a few days.
 Ross: Cassie?
 Monica: Uh-hmm.
 Ross: Wow, I haven't seen her for, like, forever. I wonder if she still
 carries that Barbie everywhere she goes.
 Monica: Ross, she's 25 years old.
 Ross: So what! I still have No you're probably right.
 Rachel: (entering) Hi!
 Monica: Hey!
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Rachel: Hey Pheebs, can I talk to you over here for a second?
 Phoebe: Yeah!
 Monica: Subtle guys!
 Phoebe: What?!
 Monica: I know you're planning my surprise bridal shower.
 Rachel: (laughs) Well okay Well don't ruin it! Just play along at
 least!
 Monica: Okay. Sorry. (She goes into the guest bedroom.)
 Rachel: (To Phoebe) Oh my God! We have to throw her a shower?!
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey is entering.]
 Monica: Hey! What did you decide to do about the movie?
 Joey: I don't know! It's not like it's porn! This is a serious,
 legitimate movie. Y'know? And the nudity is really important to the story.
 Monica: That's what you say about porn.
 Joey: You're right. Maybe I shouldn't even go on the call back.
 Monica: No! No you should! A lot of major actors do nude scenes! I mean, the
 chance to star in a movie? Come on!
 Joey: Well that's true. And I am only naked in one scene. Plus it sounds
 really great. My character's catholic and he falls in love with this Jewish girl. Who
 run away together and they get caught in this big rainstorm. So we go into this barn and
 undress each other and hold each other. It's really sweet and-and tender.
 Monica: Plus, everyone's gonna see your thing. (Giggles.)
 [Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe and Rachel are trying to plan Monica's shower.]
 Phoebe: Well, when can we have this shower?
 Rachel: She has got so much going on we-we have only two options. We have
 Friday
 Phoebe: Well that's only two days away. What is the other option?
 Rachel: Yesterday!
 Phoebe: Well if we make it yesterday, woo-hoo! We're done!
 Rachel: Oh my God, Phoebe, this is impossible! We can't do this by Friday!
 We have to find a place. We have to invite people! We have to get food! There's just
 too much to do! It's impossible! We can't do it! We cannot do it! We cannot do
 it!
 Phoebe: Rachel, calm down!
 Rachel: (calmly) Okay. I'm sorry. You're right, you're right.
 Phoebe: (grabs and shakes Rachel) Just calm down woman!
 Rachel: Phoebe, I already, I already did.