Joey: I know! It's stuck!!!
 Phoebe: (walks him to the kitchen) Easy. Step. How did it get on?
 Joey: I put it on to scare Chandler!
 Phoebe: Oh my God! Monica's gonna totally freak out!
 Joey: Well then help me get it off! Plus, it smells really bad in here.
 Phoebe: Well, of course it smells really bad. You have your head up a dead
 animal.
 (They hear Monica trying to unlock the door. So Phoebe quickly pushes his head down
 onto the table to make it look like the turkey is just sitting on a platter and not stuck
 on Joey's head.)
 Monica: (entering) Hey!
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Monica: Hey, did you get the turkey basted Oh my God! Oh my God! (She sees
 someone is stuck in the turkey.) Who is that?
 Joey: It's Joey.
 Monica: What-what are you doing? Is this supposed to be funny?
 Phoebe: No, it's not supposed to be funny, it's supposed to be scary.
 Monica: Well, get it off now!
 Joey: I can't! It-it's stuck!
 Monica: Well, I don't care! That-that turkey has to feed 20 people at my
 parent's house and they're not gonna eat it off your head!
 Phoebe: All right, hold on! Okay, let's just all think.
 (They all start thinking. Joey starts rubbing his chin, of course his chin is currently
 inside the turkey so he ends up rubbing the turkey. And I didn't do that joke one bit of
 justice. It's one of those you have to see it to get it jokes.)
 Monica: Okay, I got it. Phoebe? All right, you pull. I'm gonna spread the legs
 as wide as I can. (Joey starts giggling.) Joey? Now is not the time!
 Joey: Sorry! Sorry.
 (They get into position to pull the turkey off.)
 Monica: Okay, count to three. 1. 2. 3!
 (They both pull but Joey slips out and starts to fall backwards just as Chandler
 enters, scaring him.)
 Chandler: Arghhhhhh!! (Joey turns around to taunt him, but Chandler is in the
 doorway and Joey is facing the kitchen.)
 Joey: (pointing) It worked! I scared ya, I knew it! Ha-ha!
 Chandler: I'm over here big guy.
 Joey: (turning all the way around, and still not facing Chandler) Yeah, you are!
 (Starts dancing.) I scared you!
 Present Day
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]
 Chandler: (laughing) You did look like an idiot.
 Joey: Hey, I wasn't the only one who looked like an idiot. All right? Remember
 when Ross tried to say, 'Butternut squash?' And it came out, 'Squatternut
 buash?'
 Ross: Yeah that's the same.
 Monica: That's it. That's my worse Thanksgiving.
 Phoebe: Oh wait! That can't be the one Rachel's talking about. She didn't even
 know that happened. So which one was it?
 All: Which one?
 Monica: Umm, I-I really don't want to tell this story.
 Chandler: Oh, come on Monica, reliving past pain and getting depressed is what
 Thanksgiving is all about. Y'know, for me anyway. And of course, the Indians.
 Monica: Look umm, of all people, you do not want me to tell this story!
 Thanksgiving 1987
 [Scene: The Geller household, Mr. and Mrs. Geller are getting ready for Thanksgiving
 dinner. The doorbell rings.]
 Mrs. Geller: Monica! I think Rachel's here!
 Monica: I'll get it! (She runs in, and she's her old fat self like The One With
 The Prom Video. Not only that, she's out of breath after running a short distance. She
 goes over and opens the door to reveal Rachel with her old nose.) Happy Thanksgiving!
 Big Nosed Rachel: Not for me. Chip and I broke up!
 Fat Monica: Oh, why? Why? What happened?
 Big Nosed Rachel: Well, you know that my parents are out of town and Chip was
 going to come over
 Fat Monica: Yeah, yeah, and you were going him y'know, your flower.
 Big Nosed Rachel: Okay, Monica, can you just call it sex?! It really
 creeps me out when you call it that! Okay, and by the way, while we're at it, a guy's
 thing is not called his tenderness. Believe me! (Walks into the living room and greets
 Monica's parents.) Hi!
 Mr. Geller: Hi Rachel!
 Big Nosed Rachel: Happy Thanksgiving!
 Mrs. Geller: You too sweethart!
 Ross: (entering) Hey!
 (He brought home Chandler for Thanksgiving. Chandler is sporting the very popular Flock
 of Seagulls haircut. Yeah, it's another you have to see it to believe it kinda thing.)
 Mr. Geller: Oh my!
 Ross: Uh, everyone, this is Chandler! My roommate and lead singer of our band!
 Fat Monica: Ross! (Wanting to be introduced.)
 Ross: Oh, this is Monica.
 Fat Monica: Hi, I'm Ross's little sister.
 Chandler: (seeing her) Okay.
 Mrs. Geller: I'm so glad you could come Chandler, we've got plenty of food so I
 hope you're hungry.
 Ross: Oh, mom. Mom. Chandler hates Thanksgiving and doesn't eat any Thanksgiving
 food.
 Mrs. Geller: Oh, well, I'm so glad you brought him here then.
 Fat


Monica: Umm, Chandler, if you want I can make you some macaroni and cheese
 for dinner.
 Chandler: Well, as long as the pilgrims didn't eat it, I'm in.
 (As she is drinking, Monica laughs and Chandler's joke and Diet Coke comes out
 of her nose.)
 Fat Monica: dammit! (Runs off.)
 (Ross points out Rachel to Chandler and goes over to talk to her. Rachel is checking
 out her nose in her compact mirror.)
 Ross: So uh, Rach? Does it, does it feel weird around here now? Y'know since
 I've been away at college.
 Big Nosed Rachel: Oh! No, not really.
 Ross: Well, that's cool. So did  (She walks away from him and he shuts up.)
 (Rachel wanders into the kitchen where Monica is making Chandler's dinner.)
 Big Nosed Rachel: Ugh! I cannot believe Chip dumped me for that slut
 Nancy Branson. I am never going out with him again. I don't care how much he begs!
 Fat Monica: I think his begging days are over now that he's going out with Nancy
 Branson.
 Big Nosed Rachel: Y'know what? I've just had it with high school boys! They are
 just silly. (Ross is overhearing this.) Silly, stupid boys! I'm going to start dating men!
 Ross: Umm, I'm sorry Judy, I couldn't find that bowl that you and Jack were
 looking for.
 Fat Monica: Call them mom and dad you loser!
 Ross: (in a high pitched voice) Monica!
 [Time lapse, dinner has finished and Chandler is sitting on the couch eating some pie.
 Monica sits down beside him, and he gets pushed up a little by the wave she makes in the
 couch.]
 Fat Monica: Hey Chandler! Did you like the macaroni and cheese?
 Chandler: Oh yeah, it was great. You should be a chef.
 Fat Monica: Okay!
 (He gets up and walks away as Rachel come running over all excited.)
 Big Nosed Rachel: Guess what?! All that stuff about Nancy Branson being a slut
 was all a rumor so Chip dumped her and he wants to come over to my house tonight!
 Fat Monica: Oh that's so great!
 Big Nosed Rachel: I know!
 Fat Monica: Oh gosh, listen if you and Chip do it tonight, promise me you'll
 tell me everything.
 Big Nosed Rachel: Oh totally, totally. Y'know it's not that big of deal, we
 already kinda did it once y'know.
 Fat Monica: I know, but y'know, this time you're gonna definitely know
 whether or not you did it!
 Big Nosed Rachel: I know, I know. And oh, and this time Chip promised
 that-that this time it will last at least for an entire song!
 [Cut to the kitchen, Ross and Chandler are doing the dishes.]
 Ross: So I'm thinking about asking Rachel out tonight. Y'know maybe play
 her that song we wrote last week.
 Chandler: Emotional Knapsack?
 Ross: Yeah.
 Chandler: Right on! Oh! Uh, but, don't take to long okay? 'Cause uh, we're
 gonna test out our fake ID's tonight, right Clifford Alverez.
 Ross: Listen, Roland Chang, if things go well, I'm gonna be out with her
 all night.
 Chandler: Dude, don't do that too me!
 (Monica enters behind them.)
 Ross: All right, it's cool you can stay here. My parents won't mind.
 (Monica suddenly gets very happy.)
 Chandler: No, it's not that, I just don't want to be stuck here all night with
 your fat sister.
 Ross: Hey!
 (Upon hearing this, Monica starts to break down and storms out. Only to be stopped by
 her parents.)
 Mrs. Geller: (holding two pies) Monica, why don't you finish off these pies? I
 don't have any more room left in the fridge.
 Fat Monica: No. No, thank you!
 Mr. Geller: Well Judy, you did it! She's finally full!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, back to the present day.]
 Chandler: I called you fat?! I don't even remember that!
 Monica: Well, I do.
 Chandler: I am so sorry. I really am. I was an idiot back then. I rushed the
 stage at a Wham concert for crying out loud!
 Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you called her fat.
 Ross: I can't believe you let George Michael slap you.
 Chandler: I am really sorry. That is so terrible. I am so, so sorry.
 Rachel: Actually, y'know that's not the Thanksgiving I was talking about.
 Monica: Yes, it was!
 Rachel: No, it wasn't. It was actually the
 Monica: (interrupting her) Okay, now Thanksgiving's over, let's get ready for
 Christmas. Who wants to go get a Christmas tree?!
 Phoebe: Oh, no, I have the cutest Christmas story!
 Chandler: We wanna hear Monica's Thanksgiving story!
 Phoebe: Fine, all right, mine had a dwarf that got broke in half, but y'know
 whatever.
 Thanksgiving 1988
 [Scene: The Geller household kitchen, Mrs. Geller is cooking and Rachel, post nose job,
 is helping her.]
 Mrs. Geller: So Rachel, your mom tells me you changed your major again.
 Rachel: Oh, yeah, I had too. There was never any parking by the Psychology
 building.
 Mr. Geller: (entering) Hi Rachel.


Rachel: Oh hi!
 Mr. Geller: Wow, love your new nose!
 Mrs. Geller: Jack.
 Mr. Geller: What? Dr. Wilson's an artist! He removed my mole cluster. Wanna see?
 (He starts to show her as the doorbell rings.)
 Mrs. Geller: I'll get it.
 Rachel: No, God! Please, let me! (Runs out.)
 (She opens the door to reveal Chandler and Ross. Unfortunately, they seem to have their
 holidays mixed up. They think it's Halloween and they're going as Crockett and Tubbs from
 that legendary TV show of the late 80's, Miami Vice. God, we looked silly back
 then!)
 Rachel: Hey!
 Ross: Hey. (To his parents) Happy Thanksgiving!
 Mr. Geller: (To Chandler) God, your hair sure is different!
 Chandler: Yeah, we were just talking about that. I can't believe how stupid we
 used to look. (They both quickly push their sleeves over their elbows.)
 Ross: So uh, where's Monica?
 Mrs. Geller: She's upstairs. Monica! Come down! Everyone's here! Ross, Rachel,
 and the boy who hates Thanksgiving.
 (Monica enters, but she forgot something. Oh, about 150 pounds. In other words, she
 lost weight, big time!)
 Monica: Hi, Chandler.
 Chandler: Oh my God!
 Monica: What-what's the matter? Is there, is there something on my dress? (She
 turns around making sure he gets a good look.)
 Chandler: You just, you look so different! Terrific! That dress! That body!
 Ross: Dude!
 Chandler: Sorry!
 Mrs. Geller: Yes, yes Monica is thin. It's wonderful. But what we really want to
 hear about is Ross's new girlfriend.
 Ross: Oh mom! Okay, umm, her name is Carol. And she's really pretty. And smart.
 And uh, she's-she's on the lacrosse team and the golf team. Can you believe it? She plays
 for both teams!
 Monica: So Chandler, I guess I'll see you at dinner.
 (She heads for the kitchen and Chandler watches her leave and admires the view.)
 Mr. Geller: Dude!
 Chandler: Sorry.
 (In the kitchen.)
 Rachel: (entering) Oh-ho, my God! That was so awesome! You totally got him back
 for calling you fat! He was just drooling all over you. That must've felt so great!
 Monica: Well it didn't!
 Rachel: What?!
 Monica: Yeah, I mean yeah, I look great. Yeah, I feel great and yeah, my heart
 is not in trouble anymore! Blah, blah, blah! Y'know I still don't feel like I got him
 back, y'know? I just want to humiliate him. I wanna, I want him to be like naked and then
 I'm going to point at him and laugh!
 Rachel: Okay, that we may be able to do.
 Monica: How?
 Rachel: Well guys tend to get naked before they're gonna have sex.
 Monica: What?! I mean, I didn't work this hard and-and-and lose all this weight
 so that I can give my flower to someone like him!
 Rachel: Okay, first of all, if you keep calling it that, no one's gonna ever
 take it. Then, second of all you're not actually gonna have sex with him! You're just
 gonna make him think that you are.
 Monica: Yeah.
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Monica: And when he's naked I can throw him out in the front yard and lock the
 door and all the neighbors will just humiliate him!
 Rachel: Then, you will definitely get him back!
 Monica: Okay, so how do I make him think I wanna have sex with him?
 Rachel: Okay, oh, here's what you do. Just act like everything around you turns
 you on.
 Monica: What do you mean?
 Rachel: Well, like anything can be sexy. Like umm, oh-oh, like this dishtowel!
 (She grabs it and starts rubbing it on her cheek.) Ooh, ooh, this feels sooo good against
 my cheek! And-and if I feel a little hot, I can just dab myself with it. Or I can bring it
 down to my side and bring it through my fingers while I talk to him.
 Monica: (excited) I can do that!
 Rachel: Yeah? Okay! Good, good, because he's coming. He's coming. (To Chandler)
 Hey, what's up? (She leaves and closes the door behind her.)
 Chandler: Monica, I was wondering if you can make me some of that righteous mac
 and cheese like last year.
 Monica: Umm, I'd love too! (She goes over and picks up the box and decides to
 follow Rachel's advice and holds the box up to her cheek.) Ooh, I love macaroni and
 cheese. I love-I love the way this box feels against my cheek.
 Chandler: Okay.
 Monica: Boy, I love carrots! Oh! (She picks up a bunch of them and holds them
 between her fingers.) Sometimes I like to put them between my fingers like this and-and
 hold them down here while I talk to you. (She is rubbing her hip with the carrots.) Umm,
 and-and-and y'know if I get really hot umm, I-I like to pick up this knife (She picks up a
 knife without putting the box down. She's holding the box between her cheek and shoulder)
 and-and umm, I-I put the cold steal against umm, (Pause) my body. (She doesn't have any
 exposed skin within reach of the knife, so while holding the carrots in one hand and the
 box between her face and shoulder, she rubs the knife on her stomach.)


 The One With Ross's Sandwich
 The One With Ross's Sandwich
 Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the entire gang is there, eating breakfast. Phoebe is on
 the couch, fidgeting.]
 Phoebe: What am I sitting on?
 Chandler: Top of the world? Dock of the bay? (He tries to think of another but
 can't) I'm out.
 Phoebe: (taking something out of the couch) Ew-eww!! Undies!
 (She throws them into the kitchen and Rachel picks them up with the handle of a large
 spoon. Chandler and Monica have horrified looks on their faces.)
 Rachel: All right! Who's are they? Who's are they?
 Ross: Well, they're not mine!
 Chandler: Well, they're Joey's! They gotta be Joey's!
 (Rachel turns and stares at him.)
 Joey: Yeah, they're mine.
 Chandler: See? They're Joey's! J-J-J-J-J-Joey's!
 Ross: Why are they here?
 Joey: I don't know uhh  (Pause as he thinks about it.) Well, I'm Joey.
 Yeah, I'm disgusting, I take my underwear off in other people's homes.
 Rachel: Well, get 'em out of here! What's wrong with you?
 Chandler: Yeah!
 Monica: Yeah!
 Rachel: (waving them in his face) Take 'em! (Joey makes a noise and jumps out of
 the way.) Joey, you can touch them! They're your underwear.
 Joey: (reluctantly taking them) Chandler? A word.
 (Follows Joey into their apartment and shrugs on his way out.)
 [Cut to the guy's apartment.]
 Joey: That's it! I'm tired of covering for you two! This has got to stop!
 (Realizes he still has the underwear in his hand.) Ahh! (Throws them towards Chandler's
 room.) And tighty-whiteys! What are you, 8?
 Monica: (entering) Thank you Joey, thank you so much!
 Joey: Oh hey, no, you're not welcome. Okay, look, I hate this! You guys keep
 embarrassing me! (To Monica) Yesterday, Rachel found your razor in our bathroom and I
 didn't know what to say, so I said it was mine and-and that I was playing a woman in a
 play. And one thing led to another and (He puts his leg on the chair and pulls up his
 pants leg to reveal that he now has shaved legs.)
 Monica: (inspecting his leg) Wow! And around the ankles, y'know that is a tough
 spot.
 Joey: Yeah, it was! All right, listen, I can't
 Chandler: (interrupting him) All this lying has been hard on us too.
 Joey: Oh-oh, yeah-yeah, I bet all the sex makes it easier!
 Chandler: Well, yeah actually.
 Monica: We'll try to be more careful okay? It's just that, we don't want
 everyone to know because this is going really well, and maybe the reason it's going really
 well is because it's a secret.
 Chandler: I know it sounds really weird, but we're just so bad at relationships.
 Monica: We are! Help us!
 Chandler: Help!
 Joey: All right! But, (To Monica) you do it with me once.
 Monica: Joey!
 Joey: Didn't think so.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there as Phoebe enters
 with her nose stuck in a book.]
 Monica: Hey, Phoebe!
 Chandler: Hi, Pheebs!
 Rachel: Hey, Pheebs!
 Joey: Hey, Pheebs!
 Rachel: What are you reading?
 Phoebe: Umm, Wethering Heights. I'm taking a literature class at the New
 School and I have to finish it for the first session tomorrow.
 Chandler: I didn't know you were taking a class. That is so cool.
 Phoebe: Yeah! Well, I really liked that Lamaze class I took! Y'know and this
 time I thought I'd go for something, y'know a little more intellectual, with a less
 painful final exam.
 Rachel: Honey that sounds like fun.
 Phoebe: Yeah! Ooh, you should come with me! Oh yeah, then I'd have someone to
 sit with!
 Rachel: Okay.
 Phoebe: Yeah! Okay ooh, but are you going to have time to read it?
 Rachel: Oh, I read that in high school.
 Phoebe: This is going to be so much fun! Okay-shhh, I have to finish.
 Ross: (entering, depressed) Hi.
 Joey: What's wrong buddy?
 Ross: Someone at work ate my sandwich!
 Chandler: Well, what did the police say?
 Ross: My Thanksgiving leftover sandwich. I can't believe someone ate it!
 Chandler: Ross, it's just a sandwich!
 Ross: Just a sandwich? Look, I am 30 years old, I'm about to be divorced twice
 and I just got evicted! That sandwich was the only good thing going on in my life! Someone
 ate the only good thing going on in my life!
 Monica: Okay, look, I-I have enough stuff for one more sandwich, I mean I was
 going to eat it myself, but (motions that he can have it.)
 Ross: (quietly) That-that would be incredible. Thank you so much. I-I still
 can't believe someone ate it!! I mean, look, I left a note and everything.
 (Shows the note to Chandler who reads it aloud.)
 Chandler: (reading) Knock-knock. Who's there? Ross Geller's lunch. Ross Geller's
 lunch, who? Ross Geller's lunch, please don't take me. Okay?


Joey: I'm surprised you didn't go home wearing your lunch.
 Phoebe: Okay, look you wanna hold onto your food? You gotta scare people off. I
 learned that living on the street.
 Ross: Really?! So what would you say Pheebs? Stuff like uh, 'Keep your
 mitts off my grub?'
 Chandler: Say Ross, when you picture Phoebe living on the street, is she
 surrounded by the entire cast of Annie?
 Phoebe: Okay, this will keep them away from your stuff. (Writes him a note and
 the gang reads it.)
 All: Whoa! Ohh!!
 Monica: Phoebe, you are a bad ass!
 Phoebe: Someday I'll, tell you about the time I stabbed the cop.
 Monica: Phoebe?
 Phoebe: Well, he stabbed me first!!
 [Scene: Phoebe's class, the class has already started and Rachel walks in late.]
 Rachel: (To Phoebe) Sorry I'm late, but I left late.
 Phoebe: Okay.
 Rachel: So Pheebs, what is the book about?
 Phoebe: I thought you said you read it in high school.
 Rachel: Well yeah, but then I remembered I started it and there was this pep
 rally and I was, I was on top of the pyramid but anyway umm, what is this book about?
 Phoebe: Okay, umm, it's this tragic love story between Cathy and Heathcliff and
 umm, it takes place on like these really creepy mores in England. Which I think
 represents the wildness of Heathcliff's character. I totally get symbolism.
 The Teacher: How would you characterize the theme of this book, uh let's see
 here (looks at his attendance sheet), Rachel Green?
 Rachel: Umm, well I would have to say that it's a, it's tragic love story.
 The Teacher: Well, that's sort of a given, but yes. Anyone else?
 Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, symbolism! And uh, the-the uh, wildness of the mores, which I
 think is-is mirrored in the wildness of Heathcliff's character.
 The Teacher: Excellent! What Rachel has shrewdly observed here
 Phoebe: (To Rachel) You completely stole my answer!
 Rachel: Well, honey that was pretty obvious.
 Phoebe: Well how would you know?! You didn't even read it!
 The Teacher: What do you think? You in the blue shirt.
 Phoebe: I think that uh, yours is a question with many answers.
 The Teacher: Would ya care to venture one?
 Phoebe: Would you care to venture one?
 The Teacher: Are you just repeating what I'm saying?
 Phoebe: Are you just repeating what I'm saying?
 The Teacher: All right, let's move on.
 Phoebe: Okay then.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there as Phoebe and Rachel return from the class.]
 Phoebe: Yeah but why didn't you just say that you didn't read the book?!
 Rachel: Be-because I didn't want him to think I was stupid! I mean, that was
 really embarrassing what happened to you!
 Ross: (entering) Phoebe!
 Phoebe: Yeah?
 Ross: Phoebe! You're note, amazing! Not only did no one touch my sandwich, but
 people at work are actually afraid of me. Yeah, a guy called me mental! Mental Geller,
 yeah, I always wanted a cool nickname like that.
 Monica: Yeah, the best you got in high school was Wet Pants Geller.
 Ross: That was the water fountain! Okay?! Anyway, people are writing reports for
 me, uh pushing back deadlines to meet my schedule, I'm telling you, you get tough with
 people you can get anything you want. (Joey walks by with a cup of coffee.) Hey Tribbiani,
 give me that coffee! Now!
 (Joey casually pushes Ross over the back of the couch and sits down proud of himself.)
 [Scene: The hallway, Joey is returning from a date with Cynthia.]
 Cynthia: God, this was really fun! I've been wondering if you were going to ask
 me out.
 Joey: So you uh, still wondering?
 Cynthia: No, we just went out.
 Joey: You're smart. I like that.
 (He goes to open the door to his apartment, but finds it locked. As he's getting out
 his keys, Chandler and Monica quickly jump up from making out in the living room and run
 to Chandler's bedroom. The apartment has about 20 candles burning all over the place. Joey
 opens the door and ushers Cynthia in.)
 Cynthia: Oh, candles! (Notices something.) What is that? A blanket? A video
 camera? Oh my God! (As she storms out, Rachel returns and overhears the conversation.)
 Joey: Oh no-no-no-no, wait-wait-wait!!
 Cynthia: I can't believe you thought that you were going to video tape us having
 sex on the first date! (She storms away and Rachel enters to confront Joey.)
 Joey: Hiya.
 Rachel: Joey, is what she just said umm Oh my God. (Looks around the room.)
 You were actually gonna  (Chandler picks this moment to return to the living room.)
 (Rachel stares in shock.)
 Chandler: What is going on here?
 Rachel: And with Chandler in the next room. What are you, what are you sick?
 (Chandler silently pleads with Joey to cover for them.)
 Joey: I'm Joey. I mean, I'm disgusting. I make low-budget adult films. (Points
 at Chandler, angrily.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's; continued from earlier. Joey is closing the door
 after Rachel leaves and is about to confront Chandler and Monica.]


Joey: You guys promised you'd be more careful! I mean, come on! The good
 Joey name is being dragged through the mud here!
 Monica: We're so sorry.
 Chandler: Yeah.
 Joey: Well, I'm telling everyone about you! That's the only way to explain the
 underwear and the video camera that doesn't make me look like a pig!
 Chandler: No-no, wait! There's got to be a better explanation. You can tell them
 you had to make an adult film for your (Thinks) adult film class.
 Joey: Yeah, I like that. But no-no, how does that explain why Rachel found my
 underwear at your place?
 Chandler: Oh I don't know.
 Joey: Well, get ready to come out of the non-gay closet!
 Monica: Okay, just wait, please. I promise we'll come up with something. Just
 give us a little more time.
 Joey: All right. Hey, but it better make me look really, really good. (Starts
 for his room.) Oh, and another thing, the video camera? Nice!!
 [Scene: The Museum of Prehistoric History (Ross's work); Ross is in the break room
 eating lunch as his boss, Dr. Leedbetter walks in.]
 Dr. Leedbetter: Umm, Ross. May I have a word with you?
 Ross: Yeah, of course, Donald.
 Dr. Leedbetter: We've been getting reports of some very angry behavior on your
 part.
 Ross: What?!
 Dr. Leedbetter: Threatening letters, refusal to meet deadlines, apparently
 people now call you mental.
 Ross: (Proudly) Yeah.
 Dr. Leedbetter: We want you to speak to a psychiatrist.
 Ross: Oh no, you-you don't understand. Ugh, this is so silly. Umm, this is all
 because of a sandwich.
 Dr. Leedbetter: (laughs) A sandwich?
 Ross: Yeah. You see my-my sister makes these amazing turkey sandwiches. Her
 secret is, she puts a, an extra slice of gravy soaked bread in the middle; I call it the
 Moist Maker. Anyway, I-I put my sandwich in the fridge over here
 Dr. Leedbetter: (laughs) Oh, you know what?
 Ross: What?
 Dr. Leedbetter: I-I'm sorry. I, I-I-I believe I ate that.
 Ross: You ate my sandwich?
 Dr. Leedbetter: It was a simple mistake. It could happen to anyone.
 Ross: (getting upset) Oh-oh really? Did you confuse it with your own turkey
 sandwich with a Moist Maker?
 Dr. Leedbetter: No.
 Ross: Do you perhaps seeing a note on top of it?
 Dr. Leedbetter: There may have been a-a joke or a limerick of some kind.
 Ross: (getting angry) That said it was my sandwich?!
 Dr. Leedbetter: Now-now calm down. Come look in my office, some of it my still
 be in the trash.
 Ross: (jumping to his feet in anger) What?
 Dr. Leedbetter: Well, it was quite large. I-I-I-I-I had to throw most of it
 away.
 Ross: You-you-you-you (trying to remain in control) threw my sandwich away!
 [Cut to an outside shot of the museum.]
 Ross: (losing control, we hear him shout outside) MY SANDWICH?!!!
 [Cut to a shot of a park.]
 Ross: MY SANDWICH!!!!!! (Ross's scream scares a flight of pigeons away.)
 [Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's class; Rachel walks in, on time this time.]
 Rachel: Hi!
 Phoebe: Hi!
 Rachel: (sitting down) So umm, what's this book about?
 Phoebe: You didn't read this one either?!
 Rachel: Well, I was gonna, but I accidentally read something else.
 Phoebe: What?
 Rachel: Vogue! Hey, so tell me about this Jane Eyre woman.
 Phoebe: No! You should've read it yourself!
 Rachel: Come on Phoebe! Don't be such a goodie-goodie!
 Phoebe: Fine! Okay, all right, so Jane Eyre, first of all, you'd think she's a
 woman, but she's not. She's a cyborg.
 Rachel: A cyborg?! Isn't that like a robot?!
 Phoebe: Yeah, this book was light years ahead of its time.
 The Teacher: (entering) Sorry I'm late. Let's get started. So, what did
 everybody think about Jane Eyre?
 Phoebe: Umm, Rachel and I were just discussing it and she had some very
 interesting insights.
 The Teacher: Well, go ahead Rachel.
 Rachel: Uh, thank you Phoebe. Umm, well, what struck me most when reading Jane
 Eyre was uh, how the book was so ahead of its time.
 The Teacher: If you're talking about feminism, I think you're right.
 Rachel: Yeah, well, feminism yes, but also the robots.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is on the couch as Monica joins him.]
 Chandler: Hey.
 Monica: Hey. Okay, so umm, since that video camera thing didn't work out uh, I
 thought that I would give you just a little preview. (Hands him a Polaroid.)
 Chandler: (gasps) You're naked in this picture!
 Monica: I know.
 (Ross walks in, eating cotton candy. Monica nudges Chandler who hides the picture in
 his magazine. Ross sits down on the chair, he seems kinda out of it.)
 Chandler: Ross?
 Ross: (in a stupor) Hey Chandler. (Sees Monica.) Monica!
 Monica: Ross, are you okay?
 Ross: I'm fine! I saw a psychiatrist at work today.
 Monica: Why?!
 Ross: On account of my rage.
 Chandler: Which I may say, right now, is out of control.


Ross: He gave me a pill for it.
 Monica: A pill?
 Ross: Uh-huh. Well, when the psychiatrist told me I had to take a leave of
 absence because I yelled at my boss I started to get worked up again, so he offered me a
 tranquilizer. And I thought was a good idea so, I took it.
 Monica: Wait a minute, they're making you take time off work?
 Chandler: And you're okay with that?
 Ross: I don't know. It's going to be weird not having a job for a while, but I,
 I definitely don't care about my sandwich.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are returning from class.]
 Rachel: (entering, angrily) Ugh, that was so embarrassing! I can't believe you
 let me go on and on like that!
 Phoebe: (smiling) I'm sorry. It was just so funny when you started comparing Jane
 Eyre to Robocop.
 Rachel: That was not funny!
 Phoebe: Well, I snapped! Okay? You weren't taking the class seriously.
 Rachel: Phoebe, come on! What is the big deal? I thought this was going to be
 something we could do together! Y'know, I thought it would be fun!
 Phoebe: Well, yeah! Fun is good, but y'know I also wanted to learn. Y'know,
 people are always talking about what they learned in high school and I never went to high
 school.
 Rachel: Ohh. Oh, so you really wanted to learn. Yeah, y'know, Pheebs I just
 wanted to have fun. Ohh, you know who you should go with?
 [Scene: The Class; Monica has taken Rachel's spot.]
 Monica: (yelling and waving her hand in the air) I know! I know! I know!
 The Teacher: Monica, you asked the question.
 (She sits back defeated, and Phoebe groans with disgust.)
 [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's; Joey returns carrying a bucket of chicken, and
 starts going through the mail. While doing this, Monica's picture falls out. He bends over
 to pick it up and gasps. While he's staring at the picture, Rachel decides to come over
 and sees him looking at the picture.]
 Rachel: (sees the picture) Oh my God! That's Monica!!
 Joey: Oh no-no-no! No-no-no-no-no-no-no!
 Rachel: You get away from me!! You sick, sick, sick, sick-o!!
 Ross: (entering, with the rest of the gang) What's going on?
 Rachel: Joey has got a secret peephole!
 Chandler: (Sees the picture) Oh no! No! No! No! (Monica gasps as well.)
 Rachel: Yes! He has a naked picture of Monica! He takes naked pictures of us!
 And then he eats chicken and looks at them!
 (Ross stares in shock at him as he angrily puts down the chicken and takes off his
 coat.)
 Rachel: Look! (Shows Ross the picture.)
 Ross: (covering his eyes) Dude! That's my sister! (She shows the rest of the
 gang.)
 Monica: (grabbing the picture) Give me that!
 Phoebe: All right, wait! Just wait. Everybody just calm down. Okay? Let's give
 our friend Joey a chance to explain why he's such a big pervert!
 Joey: No! I am not a pervert! Okay? It's just  I just
 Kinda
 Chandler: All right, look! Look. I think I can explain this.
 (He walks over and stands behind Joey.)
 Joey: Thank you!
 Chandler: Joey's a sex addict.
 Joey: What?!! (He turns around and stares at Chandler who's silently pleading
 with Joey to go along with it.) No I'm not!!
 Monica: It's okay! It's good! It's good. It's a disease!
 Joey: No! No! I am not a sex addict!
 Monica: Yes you are! That's the only way to explain all this stuff!
 Joey: No it isn't! No, it's not. Because you can also explain it with the truth!
 Rachel: Well, what is the truth?
 Ross: Yeah, what's going on?
 Phoebe: What's going on?
 Joey: (thinking) I slept with Monica.
 Chandler: Well let's .let's see what everybody thinks of that?
 Monica: Oh no!
 Ross: You slept with my sister?
 Joey: Uh yes, but it was, we just did it once uh, in London.
 Ross: This is not good for my rage. (Takes another pill.)
 Rachel: Monica, is this true?
 Joey: Of course it's true! How else would you explain all the weird stuff that's
 been going on?
 Monica: Yes it's true.
 Rachel: Okay, but if it only happened that one time, how come we found your
 underwear in our apartment the other day?
 Joey: Ahh oy! That was the underwear I was wearing that night in London.
 Right Monica?
 Monica: I guess I wanted to keep it (Pause) as a souvenir.
 Ross: My God Monica!!
 Chandler: Are you sure Joe? Are you sure you're not just a sex addict?
 Joey: No! If anyone's a sex addict here, it's Monica! Yeah. Yeah. She has been
 trying to get me back in the sack ever since London!
 Phoebe: So that's why she gave you a naked picture of herself.
 Joey: That makes sense!
 Rachel: And the video camera?
 Joey: Uhh, Monica?
 Monica: I guess I set up the video camera to try and entice Joey.


 The One With The Inappropriate Sister
 The One With The Inappropriate Sister
 Written By: Shana Goldberg-Meehan
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 With Help From: Aaron Miller
 [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's apartment, Ross is cleaning out the fridge. Joey
 walks from his room. He looks like he just woke up.]
 Joey: What are you doing?
 Ross: I...reorganized the fridge. See, bottom shelf: meats and dairy.
 (There's nothing on the shelf.) Middle shelf: fruits and vegetables. (There's
 one lone tomato.) And top shelf: expired products. (The shelf is jammed packed.)
 Joey: Why are you doing this?
 Ross: Because I am bored...Out of my mind. I've already been to the
 bank, post office, and the dry cleaners.
 Joey: Dude, you just described seven days worth of stuff. You've got to
 spread it out a little, you know. Haven't you ever been unemployed?
 Ross: Hey, I am not unemployed. I'm on sabbatical!
 Joey: Hey, don't get religious on me, ok. (Ross looks a little
 confused.) A guy in your position needs to be a little better at relaxing. You know. Why
 do you think we have the comfortable chairs? Huh...come here sit down. (Ross sits
 down.) Ready? (Joey flips the foot rest up.) Ahh!! (He reclines the chair fully.) Ohh,
 yeah!! Huh?!
 Ross: So what, we just sit?
 Joey: Ohh, no, no. We're not going to just sit. (Joey sits down and
 hits the speed dial button on the phone.) Shhh. (It begins to ring.)
 Chandler: (Answering the phone at work) Hello, Chandler Bing.
 Joey: (In a high pitched female voice) Hello Mr. Bing...I love you.
 Chandler: (Angrily) Alright, whoever this is, stop calling me! (Ross and
 Joey laugh silently.) It's been six months! It's not funny!
 Joey: But, I love you.
 Chandler: Leave me alone! For the love of God, leave me alone!!!
 (Joey hangs up.)
 Joey: And that's Wednesday. (He reclines in his chair.) Ohh.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Ross, Joey, Monica, and Rachel are there. Phoebe walks
 in ringing a bell.]
 Phoebe: Hey you guys, guess what?
 Chandler: The British are coming?
 Phoebe: Ohh, you and your ways. (She shakes the bell at him and sits down.)
 Since it's Christmastime. I'm going to be one of those people collection
 donations.
 All: Ohh.
 Phoebe: (Excitedly) Yeah, I already have my bell and later on...I get my
 bucket.
 Chandler: Ohh.
 Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, I'm going to be out there spreading joy to the
 people. I mean, last year, I spread a little joy but not really enough. So this year,
 I'm going to do the whole city.
 Monica: You know, I knew a girl in high school who did that. She was very
 popular. (Chandler laughs.)
 Joey: So Pheebs, where are you doing all, your bell ringing?
 Phoebe: Ohh, they gave me a great spot. Right by Macys. Yeah, they
 hardly ever give such a good spot to a rookie, but I'm the only one who can sing
 'Merry Christmas' in 25 languages. (She smirks.) I lied.
 Rachel: Oh my god. Ok you guys, there's Danny. Watch. Just watch this.
 (He walks past the couch to the counter.) See?! Still pretending he's not interested.
 Ohh, he's coming over. Just pretend like we don't know him. We've forgotten
 who he is.
 Danny: Hey guys.
 All: Hey Danny.
 Monica: Danny? You know Rachel? She's nice. She's not bad to look
 at, right?
 Rachel: Thanks, Mon.
 Danny: Well, of course.
 Monica: Do you want to go out on a date with her?
 Rachel: Monica!!!
 Danny: (Looking at Monica) Absolutely! Is Friday okay?
 Monica: Friday's perfect...She can't wait.
 Danny: (To Monica) On the date, I will be able to talk to her directly? (To
 Rachel) See ya Friday. (He walks out.)
 Rachel: (Somewhat angrily) Okay. What the hell was that? You know what?
 Don't answer me. (Giggling) I have a date with Danny.
 [Scene: Estelle's (Joey's Agent) Office, Joey is there.]
 Joey: How could I not get the part? The play was about a 29-year-old Italian
 actor from Queens.
 Estelle: Well, Telia Shire suddenly became available.
 Joey: She's a woman!
 Estelle: What can I say? She nailed it.
 Joey: (Very discouraged) Okay, is there anything else?
 Estelle: Well, you're just going to say no again but...gay porn.
 [Scene: In front of Macys, Phoebe is collecting donations and ringing her bell.]
 Phoebe: Happy Holidays. Feliz Navidad. Allo, and Merry Christmas. (A man put
 some change in her bucket.) Ohh thank you sir. Here's some joy. (She waves her hand up and
 down as if she is spreading joy.)
 Monica: (Walking in from off screen.) Phoebe!
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Monica: I just wanted to see how it's going.
 Phoebe: Well, it's going okay.
 Monica: (Taking out her wallet.) Well good, here let me help you out.
 Phoebe: Oh, thanks!
 Monica: Yeah!
 Phoebe: Wow!
 (Monica puts some change in Phoebe's bucket.)
 Phoebe: Is that a new Swede jacket? It looks really expensive.


Monica: Yeah. I guess. (She puts more money in the bucket.)
 Phoebe: Just get your nails done?
 Monica: Yes Phoebe, but this is all I have. Okay? (She pours out the rest of her
 change purse into the bucket.)
 Phoebe: Okay! Thanks! Happy Holidays, here's your joy. (She waves her arm and
 spreads her joy.)
 (A man walks up and puts a dollar bill in.)
 Phoebe: Thank you! And Happy Holidays.
 (The man starts to take some change out.)
 Phoebe: Wait, you can't take the money out.
 The Man: I'm making change. I need change for the bus.
 Phoebe: But, can't you leave the dollar? This money is for the poor.
 The Man: I'm poor! I gotta take the bus!
 Phoebe: Okay, Seasons Greetings and everything, but still
 The Man: Bite me, blondie! (The man storms off.)
 Phoebe: Oh, I'm going to give him something else besides joy, just  (She
 scowls at him.)
 [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Joey is telling Ross how he didn't get the part.]
 Joey: That part was perfect for me! I can't believe I didn't get it!
 Ross: I'm sorry, man. Hey, y'know what you should do? You should make something
 happen for yourself. Y'know, like-like write a play. Write a movie! Huh? I mean, what
 about those Good Will Hunting guys?
 Joey: Come on Ross be realistic, y'know? If I did write something, what are the
 chances I could get those guys to star in it?
 (Ross just stares at him until he figures it out.)
 Joey: Wait a second, I could star in it!
 Ross: Or that.
 Joey: I can't write! Y'know I mean I-I-I'm an actor, I don't have the discipline
 that takes, y'know? I can't do it.
 Ross: I'll help you. Yeah, I'll make up a schedule and make sure you stick to
 it. And plus, it'll give me something to do.
 Joey: Really? You'd-you'd do that for me?!
 Ross: Yeah!
 Joey: Thanks!
 Ross: (grabbing a notepad and sitting down) All right, we'll start off slow. The
 only thing you have to do tonight is come up with the name of your main character.
 Joey: Done!
 Ross: And it can't be Joey.
 Joey: It's not.
 Ross: Or Joseph.
 Joey: (disappointed) Oh.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is returning. Monica enters from her room wearing
 nothing but a robe.]
 Monica: Hey, what's up?
 Rachel: I just saw Danny getting on the subway with a girl and he had his arm
 around her.
 Monica: Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
 Rachel: Well, you should be, this is all your fault! You meddled in our
 relationship!!
 Monica: You had no relationship!!
 Rachel: No, but I was doing my thing and everything was going according to the
 plan!
 Monica: Oh God, stop with the plan! So what, so what you saw him with a girl?
 Who cares?! That doesn't mean anything! Now look, you're going to go out on a date with
 Danny and you're going to be so charming he's gonna forget all about that stupid subway
 girl.
 Rachel: She was kinda stupid. You're right. All right, I'm just gonna go on the
 date. I'm gonna go on the date. That is the new plan.
 (Rachel goes into her room and closes the door. Which allows Monica to let Chandler out
 of her room.)
 Monica: Come on, hurry!
 (Chandler runs out the door and closes it behind him. After a short pause the door
 opens and Chandler comes rushing back through, grabs Monica, kisses her good-bye, and
 heads back out.)
 [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Joey is trying to write his movie, Chandler is
 playing a game on the counter by trying to flip a ping pong ball with a spoon into a
 nearby bowl.]
 Joey: Hey, how do you spell suspicious?
 Chandler: Why?
 Joey: Because I think this character is going to be suspicious about stuff.
 (Chandler makes it into the bowl.)
 Chandler: Yes! Chandler Bing, 7! Chandler Bing, 0.
 Joey: You're driving me crazy with that!
 Chandler: Okay, I'll stop.
 Joey: Don't stop! Move the bowl further away! Ross could make that shot!
 (Chandler slides the bowl to the far end of the counter. He tries again, but he hits
 the spoon to hard and the ball goes flying away.)
 Joey: Well, you suck! But at least you suck at a man's game now.
 Chandler: You wanna play?
 Joey: Chandler, I can't be playing games, Ross is gonna be home soon. And I have
 to write five whole pages if I'm gonna stick to his schedule.
 Chandler: Well, so, play for the next 30 minutes and then write until he gets
 home.
 Joey: (jumping up) All right! But uh, listen, what do you say we crank it up a
 notch?
 Chandler: I'm intrigued.
 Joey: All right, all we need is a little lighter fluid.
 Chandler: Okay, but be careful okay, because I wanna get our security deposit
 back.


Joey: Yeah, I think we said good-bye to that when we invented hammer darts.
 Chandler: Do you even remember which part of the wall is not spackle?
 Joey: Uh yeah, right here. (He punches his fist through the wall next to the
 door.)
 [Scene: In front of Macys, Phoebe is still ringing her bell. A guy puts some
 change into the bucket.]
 Phoebe: Thank you, Happy Holidays.
 (Another woman walks up and throws something into the bucket.)
 Phoebe: Now, that's trash. Young lady, you can't  (The lady ignores her and
 walks off.) Hey! Stop that young lady, she donated trash!
 (Another guy walks by and throws his light cigarette butt in the bucket.)
 Phoebe: Hey!! (The bucket starts smoking.) The charity's on fire! Help! (Yet
 another guy walks by carrying a cup, which Phoebe grabs.) Oh good! Thank you, I need that.
 (She throws onto the smoldering fire. Suddenly the bucket erupts in flames.) Whoa! What is
 that?! (She sniffs the cup.) (To the guy.) It's nine o'clock in the morning!
 [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Ross is reading what Joey wrote.]
 Ross: All right. (Reading.) A room. A man enters, he looks suspicious. (Stops
 reading a flips the page to find the next one is blank.) That's it? (Joey shrugs.) Joey,
 you're supposed to have five pages done by now! Including an exciting incident!
 (Flipping through the rest of the pad.) And what is, and what is all this?! (Reading.) The
 official rulebook of Fireball.
 Joey: Yeah, that's the uh, game we were playing.
 Chandler: (entering from his room carrying a fire extinguisher and wearing oven
 mitts) Oh yeah, it's great! See you take a tennis ball, a bowl, and some lighter
 fluid Op! Op! (He puts out a small fire which has re-ignited in his room.)
 Ross: This is helping your career?! Huh? I thought you wanted to be an actor not
 the creator of crazy lawsuit game!
 Joey: You're right, you're right, I'll get back to work.
 Ross: (To Chandler) And shame on you! You should know better, Joey needs to
 work. (To Joey) Now come on!
 Joey: Hey!
 (He tries to fire a burnt tennis ball into the bowl Chandler is standing by, but Ross
 grabs the ball away from him.)
 Ross: No! Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah! You can have this back when the five pages are done!
 (After Joey walks past, Ross throws the ball down in pain.) Ahh! (Chandler shows him the
 burn spots on his oven mitts.)
 [Scene: Outside Danny's apartment, Danny and Rachel are returning from their date.]
 Danny: I had a really nice time tonight.
 Rachel: So did I. I'm really glad Monica asked us out.
 (He kisses her.)
 Danny: I'd love to ask you in, but uh, my sister's visiting and I think she's
 asleep on the couch.
 Rachel: You're sister? You're sister's asleep on the couch? (Danny nods,
 'Yes.') Ohhh! I saw her with you on the subway and now she's asleep on
 the couch!
 Danny's Sister: (opening the door) Oh, I thought I heard you.
 Danny: Oh hey, great, you're up. Rachel, this is my sister Krista. Krista, this
 is Rachel.
 Rachel: Hi!
 Krista: Nice to meet you. I wish you'd told me we were having company, I'd fix
 myself up!
 Danny: Like it would help.
 Krista: You are so bad! (Hits him softly.)
 Danny: You are! (Hits her back.)
 Krista: You are! (Hits him softly.)
 Danny: You are! (Hits her back.)
 Krista: You are! (Hits him softly.)
 Danny: You are! (Hits her back.)
 Krista: You are! (Hits him harder this time.)
 Danny: You are so dead! I'm gonna get you.
 (He starts chasing her around Rachel a couple of times before she runs into the living
 room and he tackles her on the couch where he starts tickling her.)
 Rachel: (not sure what to do) Uh, it was very nice meeting you. (They continue
 to ignore her.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is complaining to Ross and Monica about the
 bucket.]
 Phoebe: Nobody! Nobody respects the bucket! You wouldn't believe what people put
 in here! Look! (Hands it to Monica.) Okay, does this look like a garbage can to you?
 Monica: No.
 Phoebe: Does it look like an ashtray?
 Monica: No.
 Phoebe: Does it look like a urinal?
 Monica: Eww!! (Throws the bucket down.)
 Ross: So Pheebs, are you gonna go back out there or what?
 Phoebe: Well, yeah! But I'm not gonna take anymore crap. Okay? No more Mrs. Nice
 Bucket!
 Monica: Yeah, good for you. Y'know you're tough, you lived on the streets.
 Phoebe: Yeah, I'm gonna go back to being Street Phoebe. Yeah! Oh but, y'know
 what? I can't go totally back because Street Phoebe really wouldn't be friends with you
 guys. Sorry. (Leaves.)
 Rachel: (entering from her room) Hey!
 Monica: Hey!
 Rachel: Hey, umm, can I ask you guys something?
 Monica and Ross: Sure.
 Rachel: Uh, I don't have any brothers so I don't know, but uh, did you guys
 wrestle?


Ross: Oh-oh, yeah.
 Monica: All the time. In fact, I was undefeated.
 Ross: Uh, you weighted 200 pounds.
 Monica: Still, I was quick as a cat.
 Rachel: Well, I met Danny's sister yesterday, and uh that was actually the girl
 on the subway.
 Monica: Oh, you're kidding.
 Rachel: Yeah, they were very y'know wrestley. But, I guess that's normal?
 Monica: (laughing with Ross) We don't, we don't wrestle now.
 Ross: Yeah, not since I got too strong for you.
 Monica: Too strong for me?
 Ross: Yeah.
 Monica: You wanna go right now? 'Cause I'll take you right now, buddy! You wanna
 go?
 Ross: Oh fine.
 Monica: Ready? (They grab a hold of each other's necks.) Wrestle! (They start
 wrestling.)
 Rachel: Okay, y'know what uh, actually, that's great. That helps a lot. Thanks.
 (She leaves them to wrestle.)
 [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Ross is cleaning the foosball table, Joey is
 working on his script.]
 Chandler: (entering from his bedroom) Guys, come on! Let's go! The puck drops in
 20 minutes! Come on, Joe!
 Ross: Joey's not going.
 Joey: (To Chandler) I didn't finish my five pages.
 Chandler: Well, why can't you do them tomorrow?
 Ross: Because tomorrow he's redoing yesterday's pages.
 Joey: Yesterday's pages did not reflect my best work.
 Chandler: (To Ross) Why don't you cut him a little slack? Okay? Maybe if he
 relaxes a little bit, he'll get some work done.
 Ross: I think he's been relaxing enough, thanks to you and Fireball.
 Joey: Dude, if you think Fireball's relaxing, you've obviously have never
 played.
 Chandler: The only reason you're doing this to Joey is because you're bored.
 Okay, it's not his fault that you're unemployed.
 Ross: I am not unemployed. I'm on sabbatical!
 Joey: Come on look guys, don't fight.
 Ross: And the reason I'm doing this is because I am Joey's friend. And if
 you were a good friend, you'd be doing the same thing.
 Chandler: Oh, so being a good friend means acting like a total jerk?
 Ross: If it does? Then you're an amazing friend of mine.
 Joey: Hey-hey guys, hey! How about we settle this over a friendly game of
 Fireball? Huh? I'll go unhook the smoke detectors!
 Ross: How about we settle this right now! (He rips up the tickets.) There! Now,
 no one's going to the game. Ha-ha-ha!
 Chandler: I paid for those tickets!
 Ross: No you didn't. You said you would, but you never did!
 Chandler: Oh yeah! (Makes an unintelligible taunting sound.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, Joey, and Chandler are listening to a story being
 told by Danny and his sister.]
 Danny:  so we finally get to the top of the mountain and airhead here (His
 sister) forgets the camera!
 Joey: Oh, y'know the same thing happened to me one time.
 Chandler: When did that happen to you?!
 Joey: Don't you remember when we were jogging in the park and we saw that really
 pretty bird and wanted to take a picture I didn't have my camera!
 Chandler: Oh yeah. First off all, chasing the Churo guy isn't jogging.
 Krista: Oh, this is so good (A piece of cake.) you have got to try it. (She
 takes some on her finger and feeds it to Danny. Then takes a little more and does it
 again. Meanwhile, the rest of the gang stares on in shock. Then they pick up a part of it
 and some filling falls into his lap.)
 Danny: Oh, damn! I got it on my pants.
 Krista: Here, I'll get it. (She grabs a napkin and tries to wipe it up. The
 thing that gets the rest of the gang going is that she's whipping awfully close to his
 crotch. In fact, she is whipping his crotch. Chandler's about to come out of his chair.)
 Krista: We'd better take these pants off upstairs or that stain's gonna set.
 Danny: Yep. (To Rachel) I'm gonna wear these on our date tonight.
 Rachel: Oh, great!
 Chandler: Okay, bye! (To the gang.) Oh my God!!
 Monica: That was unbelievable!
 Rachel: Okay, see? I told you!
 Joey: Yeah, wow, sorry Rach.
 Chandler: I don't believe they're brother and sister.
 Joey: They're brother and sister!!!
 [Scene: In front of Macys, Phoebe has adorned her bucket with numerous signs.
 Like 'We are not a urinal!' and 'I have no Macys info.'
 And other stuff like that. She also has a scowl on her face as she is ringing her bell. A
 little old lady walks up to make a donation but Phoebe stops her.]
 Phoebe: Oh whoa-whoa-whoa! Wait a minute, open up your hand; let me take a look.
 (The lady opens up her hand.) Quarter. Dime. Lint? Not interested in that. (She throws the
 lint away.) What's this? A Canadian coin? Get outta here! (The lady walks away.)
 (Another man walks up with a drink in his hand, Phoebe stops him too.)
 Phoebe: Whoa-whoa-whoa! No drinks near the bucket! Set it down over there and
 then you can make a contribution! (The guy starts to walk away with a hurt look on his
 face.) And you can leave the hurt bunny look over there too! (Her boss and a co-worker
 walk up.) Hi Bob! (The same old lady from before walks bye.) (To the old lady.) I thought
 I told you to get outta here!
 Bob: Uh, Phoebe we've been getting complaints and uh, we're gonna move you to a
 less high-profile spot.


 The One With All The Resolutions
 The One With All The Resolutions
 Teleplay by: Suzie Villandry
 Story by: Brian Boyle
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are hosting a New Year's party. So the
 place is crowded and in a shameless promotion for NBC they're watching Jay Leno's coverage
 of New Year's from Time Square.]
 Jay Leno: (On TV to Dick Clark) Is there any entertainment there? What are people
 doing?
 Joey: All right! Here we go! 1999! The year of Joey!
 Chandler: (deadpan, standing next to Monica) We're very happy for you.
 Joey: What's the matter?!
 Chandler: We wanted to kiss at midnight, but nobody else is going to so
 y'know
 Joey: All right, I'll take care of it.
 Monica: Oh no, wait! Joey!
 (They try to stop him, not sure of what he's planning. He ignores them and goes to talk
 to Ross.)
 Ross: (hopping) 73! 72! 71!
 Joey: Ross! Ross! Ross, listen! Who are you kissing at midnight, huh? Rachel or
 Phoebe?
 Ross: What?
 Joey: Well you gotta kiss someone, you can't kiss your sister.
 Ross: Well, who's gonna kiss my sister.
 Joey: Chandler.
 Ross: Awww, man! Really?
 Joey: Dude-dude, who would you rather have kiss your sister, me or Chandler?
 Ross: That's a good point.
 Joey: Yeah.
 Ross: Oh well, since I have that whole history with Rachel, I guess Phoebe.
 Joey: Okay, great!
 Ross: All right.
 Joey: Pheebs! Pheebs! Ross wants to kiss you at midnight!
 Phoebe: It's so obvious, why doesn't he just ask?
 Joey: Rach! Rach! Listen, I'm gonna kiss you at midnight.
 Rachel: What?!
 Ross: Well, everyone's gotta kiss someone. You can't kiss Ross you got the
 history.
 Rachel: So?
 Joey: So? Who would you rather have kiss you, me or Chandler?
 Rachel: Oh, good point.
 Joey: Yeah!
 All: (watching the ball drop) 3! 2! 1! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
 (And with that everyone starts playing tonsil hockey. Chandler with Monica, Ross with
 Phoebe, and Joey with Rachel.)
 Chandler: (To Monica) Happy New Year!
 Monica: Happy New Year.
 Ross: (To Phoebe) Happy New Year, Pheebs!
 Phoebe: You too!
 Rachel: (To Joey) Happy New Year, Joey!
 Joey: So did that do anything for ya?
 (Rachel slowly walks away.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, after the party. Everyone has left, except for the gang.]
 Ross: Y'know what? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no divorces in '99!
 Rachel: But your divorce isn't even final yet.
 Ross: Just the one divorce in '99! Y'know what, I am gonna be happy this year. I
 am gonna make myself happy.
 Chandler: Do you want us to leave the room, or?
 Ross: Everyday I am gonna do one thing that I haven't done before. That
 my friends is my New Year's resolution.
 Phoebe: Ooh! That's a good one! Mine is to pilot a commercial jet.
 Chandler: That's good one too, Pheebs. Now all you have to do is find a
 planeload of people who's resolution is to plummet to their deaths.
 Phoebe: Maybe your resolution is to not make fun of your friends, especially the
 ones who may soon be flying you to Europe for free on their own plane.
 Monica: She has a better chance of sprouting wings and flying up your nose than
 you do of not making fun of us.
 Ross: In fact, I'll bet you 50 bucks that you can't go the whole year without
 making fun of us. Eh, y'know what, better yet? A week.
 Chandler: I'll take that bet my friend. And you know what, paying me the 50
 bucks could be the 'new thing you do that day!' (Ross looks at him.) And it
 starts right now!
 Joey: All right, my New Year's resolution is to learn how to play the guitar.
 Ross: Ohh.
 Phoebe: Really?! How come?
 Joey: Well, y'know those special skills I have listed on my resume? I would love
 it would be great if one of those was true.
 Phoebe: Do you want me to teach you? I'm a great teacher.
 Joey: Really? Who-who have you taught?
 Phoebe: Well, I taught me and I love me.
 Joey: Yeah that'd be great! Thanks Pheebs!
 Rachel: Op, look! Claire forgot her glasses! And she's gonna be really needing
 these to keep an eye on that boyfriend, who, I hear, needs to keep his stapler in his desk
 drawer, if you know what I'm talking about.
 Monica: Hey Rach, maybe your resolution should be to umm, gossip less.
 Rachel: I don't gossip!
 (They all laugh.)
 Rachel: Well, maybe sometimes I find out things or I hear something and I pass
 that information on y'know kinda like a public service, it doesn't mean I'm a gossip. I
 mean, would you call Ted Kopel a gossip?
 Monica: Well if Ted Kopel talked about his coworkers botched boob jobs, I would.


Rachel: What? They were like this!
 (She puts her hands over her breasts and indicates that the coworkers boob job resulted
 in one pointing up and one pointing down with her hands by pointing up with one hand and
 down with the other.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is talking to a beautiful woman as Chandler and Joey enter.]
 Woman: I'll see you tomorrow.
 Ross: Okay! (She leaves.) (To Chandler and Joey.) Hey!
 Chandler and Joey: Hey!
 Ross: I just asked that girl out.
 Chandler: Nice!
 Joey: Nice!! Yeah! Is that part of your resolution, your new thing for today?
 Ross: Yes it is. See. (Shows them the piece of paper she gave him with her name
 and phone number on it.)
 Chandler: (reading it) Elizabeth Hornswoggle?
 Ross: That's right, uh, Elizabeth Hornswoggle.
 Chandler: Horn-swoggle.
 Joey: You all right Chandler? Is there something funny about that name?
 Chandler: No. No, I just think that maybe I-I'd heard it somewhere before. (Sits
 down rubbing his temple.)
 Joey: Oh really! Where? Somewhere funny I'd bet! (Chandler is straining to keep
 quiet as Phoebe enters.)
 Ross: Hi, Pheebs!
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Ross: Oh-oh, guess what? I-I have a date with Elizabeth (Talking into Chandler's
 ear.) Hornswoggle.
 Phoebe: Hornswoggle? (To Chandler) Ooh, this must be killing you.
 Ross: All right, see you later.
 Joey: See ya! All right Pheebs, I am ready for my first lesson.
 Phoebe: Okay. (Joey tries to take the guitar.) Oh no-no-no, you don't touch the
 guitar! First you learn here, (Points to her head.) then you learn here. (Points to the
 guitar.)
 Joey: Umm, okay.
 Phoebe: Okay, lesson one: chords. Now, I don't know the actual names of the
 chords but umm, I-I-I made up names for the way my hand looks while I'm doing them. (She
 starts to show Joey the chords. Transcribers Note: For this one you'll have to use your
 imagination, 'cause it would take me 50 pages to describe each one. So if you want to see
 them, you'll have to wait for this episode to come to a TV near you.) (Holding up her hand
 and then reconfiguring her hand with each name.) So then, this is Bear Claw. Okay, umm,
 Turkey Leg and Old Lady. (Joey tries to imitate them.)
 Chandler: What an interesting approach to guitar instruction. Y'know some might
 find it amusing, I myself find it regular.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering with Rachel.]
 Phoebe: Hey everybody, Rachel was so good today. She didn't gossip at all.
 Rachel: I didn't! Even when I found out umm, all right, well let's
 just say I found something out something about someone and let's just say she's gonna keep
 it. (Goes into her room.)
 Joey: Hey, Pheebs! Check-check this out. (Holds up his hand in one of Phoebe's
 chords.)
 Phoebe: Ooh, you nailed the Old Lady! (They both laugh at what she said.)
 Joey: Yeah listen so, I thought I was getting better, so on my way home today I
 stopped by this guitar store and
 Phoebe: Did you, did you touch any of the guitars while you were there?
 Did you?!
 Joey: No.
 Phoebe: Give me your hands. (He does and she smells his left hand.) Strings.
 Gimme it! (He gives her his right hand and she smells it as well.) Pick. Do you want to
 learn to play guitar?
 Joey: Yes!
 Phoebe: Then don't touch one!!
 Ross: (entering, with Ben) Hi!
 Ben: Hi!
 Monica: Hi Ben!
 Ben: Auntie Monica!! (He runs to hug her.)
 Chandler: (notices something) Ross is wearing leather pants! Does nobody else
 see that Ross is wearing leather pants? (Pause, no one speaks.) Someone comment on the
 pants!
 Rachel: I think they're very nice.
 Monica: I like 'em.
 Joey: Yeah! (Chandler bangs the table in frustration.)
 Monica: I like them a lot.
 Chandler: That's not what I had in mind! See, people like Ross don't generally
 wear these types of pants. You see, they're very tight. (Motions to Ross's buttock.) Maybe
 there's something in that area.
 (They all speak at once in general approval of his pants selection; Joey asks where he
 got them. I can't pick out the rest of it.)
 Ross: Oh see, I-I needed a new thing for today and there's this leather store
 that always smells so good and I thought to myself, 'Wow, (To Chandler) I never
 really owned a good smelling pair of pants before.'
 (No one says anything.)
 Chandler: Oh come on!! (Storms out.)
 Ross: (after he's left) Okay, seriously, what do you think?
 Joey: You look like a freak.
 Rachel: Awful, absolutely awful. (Plus other negative comments from Phoebe and
 Monica.)
 (Monica starts taking pictures of Ross and Ben, with the flash.)
 Ross: What are you, what are you doing?
 Monica: It's my New Year's resolution!
 Ross: What, to blind my child?
 Monica: No! To take more pictures of all of us together. I mean I really think
 it's the best resolution because everyone will enjoy the pictures.


Joey: Well, everyone will enjoy my music as well. (Does a chord and Monica
 starts taking pictures of him and Phoebe. They both start to strike a pose with the
 excessive amount of pictures that Monica takes.)
 [Scene: Elizabeth Hornswoggle's apartment; Ross is there on his date with her. They are
 sitting on the couch watching a movie. Ross is obviously hot.]
 Ross: (talking to himself) My God! These pants are burning up! (He's still
 wearing the leather pants.) (She snuggles closer.) Oh come on, she wants to snuggle now!
 What is she trying to kill me? It's like a volcano in here! (Out loud.) Are you hot?
 Elizabeth Hornswoggle: No.
 Ross: Okay, it must just be me then.
 (He shifts on the couch and a ripping sound emanates from his lower regions, the sound
 reminds one of a brief explosion of gas. In other words, it sounds like he farted. She has
 a look of horrific wonderment, wondering 'Did he just fart?')
 Ross: That was just the pants on the couch. Umm, hey, do you, do you mind if I
 use your bathroom?
 Elizabeth: No, go ahead.
 Ross: Thanks. (Gets up and as he does so, the sound returns. Without another
 word he heads into her bathroom.)
 [Cut to Elizabeth Hornswoggle's bathroom, Ross frantically pulls his shirt out and
 drops his pants. He exhales in sheer ecstasy as the coolness of the bathroom envelops his
 legs. He sits on the cast iron bathtub, again gasping in pleasure. He next grabs a
 magazine and starts to blow air on his exposed legs, but that doesn't work the way he
 wants it to. So he throws the magazine down, looks around for another idea, and finds one.
 He jumps up and hops to the sink. He turns on the water and starts to splash some on his
 legs, cooling them further.]
 Ross: (in ecstasy) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh   .
 Elizabeth: (yelling from outside) Hey, my favorite part is coming up!
 Ross: 'Kay!
 (He goes to pull up his pants, but can't seem to get them past his knees. He
 frantically tries to pull them up to no avail. Panic sets in.)
 Ross: Oh my God!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is drilling Joey on the chords as Monica looks on.]
 Phoebe: Tiger! (Joey moves his hand in an attempt to do the chord, in fact he
 does it with each name.) Dragon! Iceberg!! (He fails.) Joseph, did you even study at all
 last night?
 Joey: Yes! Yes, I did.
 Phoebe: Then do Iceberg!
 Joey: (thinks) (quietly) G-sharp.
 Phoebe: G-sharp? Have you been studying the real names of the chords?
 (Joey doesn't answer.) Have you? (He looks away in shame.) Oh my God!
 Joey: What?! I didn't touch a guitar!
 Phoebe: No, but you're questioning my method!
 Joey: No, I'm not questioning it, I'm saying it's stupid! (Notices Monica
 standing between them and smiling.) What?! (The camera clicks, taking another picture.)
 Monica: Thank you. (Leaves.)
 Phoebe: Y'know none of my other student thought I was stupid.
 Joey: Your other student, was you!
 Phoebe: Yeah, well, y'know maybe you just need to try a little harder!
 Joey: (looking in the Yellow Pages) Look, maybe I need to try a real teacher!
 Right here! Here! Andy Cooper, he teaches guitar and look ooh, there's a nice picture of
 him with a little kid and THE KID'S GOT A GUITAR!!!!!! (Storms out.)
 Phoebe: Fine! You go learn from your qualified instructor! But don't come crying
 to me when everyone's sick and tired of hearing you play Bad, Bad Leroy Brown!!
 Rachel: (entering, singing) 'Baddest man in the whole damn town.'
 Phoebe: Oh, fine! Take his side! (Storms out.)
 (Rachel looks shocked, gets over it, notices she's alone, and picks up the phone. The
 last part of which is something she shouldn't have done, because the phone is already in
 use. By Monica, and now Rachel can hear every word.)
 Monica: (on phone) I can't wait to be with you! I'll sneak over as soon as Ross
 picks up Ben. I'll just tell Rachel I'm gonna be doing laundry for a couple of hours.
 Chandler: (on phone) Laundry. Huh. Is that my new nickname? (Rachel is
 absolutely stunned, she opens her mouth in absolute amazement.)
 Monica: (on phone) Awww, y'know what your nickname is, Mr. Big
 Rachel: Arghh!! (She quickly hangs up the phone and starts to pace around
 wondering what to do.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, The phone rings and Joey answers it.]
 Joey: (answering phone) Hello?
 Ross: (calling from Elizabeth's bathroom) Joey, it's Ross! I need some help!
 Joey: Uhh, Chandler's not here.
 Ross: Well, you can help me!
 Joey: Okay.
 Ross: Listen, I'm in Elizabeth's bathroom
 Joey: Nice!
 Ross: No, I-I got really hot in my leather pants so I took them off but they
 must have shrunk from the-the sweat or-or-or my legs expanded from the heat. Look, I-I
 can't put them back on. I can't!


Joey: Oh. That is quite a situation. Uh, do you see any like, powder?
 Ross: Powder! Yeah! Yeah, I have powder! (Grabs some of her shelf.)
 Joey: Good-good, okay, sprinkle some of that on your legs, it'll absorb some of
 the moisture and then you can get your pants back up.
 Ross: Yeah, okay, hold on! (He puts the phone down and proceeds to spread a
 large amount of powder on his legs and makes another attempt at pulling up his pants. It
 doesn't work, and without picking up the phone leans down to it.) (Almost in tears.)
 They're not coming on man.
 Joey: Umm, do you see any oh, Vaseline?
 Ross: Ohh, I-I see lotion, I have lotion! Will that work?
 Joey: Yeah, sure, spread some of that on there.
 Ross: Hold on.
 (Ross proceeds to apply copious amounts of the lotion on his legs. He literally starts
 spraying the back of his legs with the lotion, and as he applies some to his butt he makes
 a happy face like he enjoyed that sensation. After using about half the bottle he again
 tries to pull up his pants, but at the first sign of resistance, his hand slips off of the
 pants and hits him in the forehead.)
 Joey: Ross? You okay?
 Ross: They're still, they're still not coming on man and the lotion and the
 powder have made a paste!
 Joey: Really?! Uhh, what color is it?
 Ross: What difference does that make?!
 Joey: Well, I'm just if the paste matches the pants, you can make yourself
 a pair of paste pants and she won't know the difference!
 Rachel: (entering) Joey, do you have a minute?
 Ross: Dude, what am I gonna
 Joey: (To Ross) Uh, Rachel's here, so good luck man, let me know how it works
 out. (He hangs up the phone and strands Ross in the bathroom.)
 Rachel: Oh, Joey, I have such a problem!
 Joey: Oh well, you're timing couldn't be better. I am putting out fires all over
 the place.
 Rachel: Okay. Okay. Okay. Joey, I have got to tell you something!
 Joey: What-what is it, what is it?
 Rachel: Oh my God, it's so huge, but you just have to promise me that you cannot
 tell anyone.
 Joey: Oh no, no-no-no-no! I don't want to know!
 Rachel: Yes! Yes! Yes, you do want to know! This is unbelievable!
 Joey: I don't care, Rach! Look, I am tired of being the guy who knows all the
 secrets but can't tell anyone!
 Rachel: What? What secrets? You know secrets? What are they?
 Joey: And you're not supposed to be gossiping!!
 Rachel: I know, I know! I just can't keep this one in, so I pick up the
 phone  (Joey in a childish attempt to not hear what Rachel is about to say, puts his
 fingers in his ears and starts to scream loudly. Rachel turns and walks out upon seeing
 that Joey's not gonna listen, and as she exits Chandler walks in and sees Joey in his
 current state.)
 Joey: I'm not listening to you!
 (Chandler seeing that Joey has his eyes closed sneaks over and picks up the chicken.
 The chicken starts flapping it's wings in protest as Chandler holds the chicken inches
 from Joey's face. Joey stops yelling and upon opening his eyes sees the chicken, screams,
 and falls to the ground in horror.)
 [Scene: Elizabeth's apartment; Elizabeth is inquiring as to the delay in Ross's exit
 from her bathroom.]
 Elizabeth: Ross, umm, you've been in there for a long time. I'm starting to get
 kinda freaked out.
 Ross: All right, I'm coming out. Hey, can you turn the lights off.
 Elizabeth: No, let's just leave the lights on.
 (Ross opens the door and steps into the living room. He has fully removed his pants and
 holds them wrapped into a ball in front of his crotch. His legs are covered in the powder
 and lotion paste. He looks terrible.)
 Elizabeth: Oh my God!
 Ross: I had a problem.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is there to apologize to Phoebe.]
 Joey: Hey, Pheebs?
 Phoebe: No, I can't talk to you! I don't have a fancy ad in the Yellow Pages!
 Joey: Look, Pheebs, I just, I wanna apologize for, for saying that your method
 was stupid and-and maybe ask you to be my teacher again. And-and I promise, I won't touch
 a guitar until you say I'm ready. (After a short pause she hands him her guitar.) You
 really think I'm ready?
 Phoebe: Uh-huh!
 Joey: Wow! Cool! (He takes the guitar, stands up, and goes to play a note.
 However, while strumming it, he knocks it out of his hands and it bounces off the table
 and lands on the floor. Phoebe just stares at the guitar.)
 Joey: (sitting back down) Was the chord at least right
 Phoebe: No!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is returning from his horrible trek back home without
 pants on. The whole gang is there.]


 The One With Chandler's Work Laugh
 The One With Chandler's Work Laugh
 Written by: Alicia Sky Varinaitis
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to pry more information about Chandler
 and Monica from Joey who's sitting on the couch and busy downing a pizza.]
 Rachel: Come on Joey!!!
 Joey: Rach, I told you everything I knew last night! Look, it's not that big of a deal,
 so Monica and Chandler are doing it.
 Rachel: I can't believe you would say that!
 Joey: Sorry. Monica and Chandler are making love.
 Rachel: No! I mean come on! This is a huge deal! (She sits next to him on the
 couch.) Fine I want I need more details, who-who initiated the first kiss?
 Joey: (thinks) I don't know.
 Rachel: Is he romantic with her?
 Joey: I don't know.
 Rachel: Are they in love?
 Joey: (thinks) I don't know.
 Rachel: You don't know anything.
 Joey: Ohh, I know one thing!
 Rachel: What?
 Joey: They did it right there on the couch.
 (He points to where she's sitting and she jumps up quickly.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Ross enters.]
 Joey: Hey Ross!
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Ross: (disinterested) Hey-yeah. (He hurries up to the counter.) Hey Gunther, can I have
 a scone please? (To the gang.) Wanna hear some good news? Someone I know is getting
 married! Yeah! And weddings are happy occasions! Oh, by-the-by it's my ex-wife Emily!
 All:  What? Oh!
 Chandler: Sorry man.
 Gunther: Here's your scone.
 Ross: Oh, thanks Gunther. (He takes it, hands the plate it's on to Rachel, sets it down
 on the table, and proceeds to pound it into oblivion while saying.) STUPID BRITISH SNACK
 FOOD!!!!!!!
 Chandler: Did they teach you that in your anger management class?
 Phoebe: Hey, you know what might help you deal with it? Think of it this way, you and
 Emily are in the past and you can't be mad about the past. So are you still mad about the
 Louisiana Purchase?
 Rachel: Pheebs, I don't think anyone's mad about that.
 Phoebe: Exactly! Because it's in the past!
 Joey: (eyeing the flattened scone) Anybody gonna eat that?
 [Scene: Chandler's office, Monica and him are at a party his office is throwing.]
 Monica: Look at us all dressed up for the big office party! By the way, what are we
 celebrating?
 Chandler: Oh, we had a lot of liquor left over from the Christmas party.
 Monica: I think this is so cool because none of our friends are here and we can be a
 real couple. We don't have to hide.
 Chandler: I know, I can do this. (He takes her hand.)
 Monica: Ooh, and I can do this. (She kisses him on the cheek.)
 (They both stand real close together.)
 Both: We can't do that. (They separate.)
 (Chandler's boss (Doug) walks up.)
 Doug: Hey Bing! (Slaps him on his ass.) (Sees Monica) Wo-ho-ho, who's the pretty lady
 and what the hell is she doing with you?
 Chandler: I asked myself that very question, sir. Uh, (Points to Monica) this is
 Monica. (Points to his boss.) This is my boss, Doug. Doug this is Monica.
 Monica: Hi, nice to meet you!
 Doug: Hi! And this is my wife Kara.
 Kara: Nice to meet you Monica. Bing! (Slaps Chandler on his butt.)
 Doug: Say uh, Bing, did you hear about the new law firm we got working for us?
 Chandler: No, sir.
 Doug: Yeah, Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe.
 (Chandler does a fake laugh.)
 Doug: Come on honey, let's go drink our body weight. (They walk off leaving Chandler
 and Monica alone.)
 Monica: What was that?
 Chandler: What?
 Monica: That noise you just made?
 Chandler: Oh, that was my work laugh.
 Monica: Really? Your work laugh?
 Chandler: Oh, believe me, to survive this party, you're gonna have to come up with one
 too.
 Monica: All right, check me out.
 Chandler: Okay.
 (She walks up to where Doug is finishing another joke to another group.)
 Doug:  says $30 Father; same as in town.
 (Monica does a fake laugh. For the laughs, you'll have to see the episode. I can't
 describe them.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Monica is buying a muffin as Chandler runs in.]
 Chandler: Hey! Everybody at work loved you last night!
 Monica: Really?
 Chandler: And! They like me more just because I was with ya! I think you
 repaired a lot of the damage from when they met Joey. And Doug wants us to play tennis
 with them. He's never even talked to me outside of work. Except for that time when
 we bumped into each other at that strip club. (She glares at him.) Strip church. Anyway,
 I'm gonna go try and find a racquet.
 Monica: Hey, I thought you already had one.
 Chandler: Oh I used too, but then Joey thought it would be fun to go to Central Park
 and hit rocks at bigger rocks. (He starts to leave and stops an entering Rachel.) Hey
 Rach, do you have a tennis racquet?


Rachel: Oh umm, y'know I lent it to Joey and I never actually got it back.
 Chandler: Okay, good luck with that. (Exits.)
 Rachel: (To Monica) Hey!
 Monica: Hi!
 Rachel: What's up?!
 Monica: What are you doing here? I thought you had to do inventory all day.
 Rachel: Well yeah, I do, but I decided to take a long lunch and spend some time with my
 friend Monica. Y'know I-I feel that we don't talk anymore. How are you? What is new with
 you?
 Monica: Uhh, not much. Uh, work's good.
 Rachel: Oh y'know what, we don't have to talk about work. We can talk about
 anything!
 Monica: Okay. Umm
 Rachel: Hey! Y'know what? Let's talk about relationships!
 Monica: Okay, what's going on with you?
 Rachel: Nothing! You go!
 Monica: Well, I-I there was this guy at the bank that I thought was cute umm, but
 I don't anymore.
 Rachel: Wow that's uh, juicy. Umm, (checks watch) y'know what though Mon, I actually do
 have a lot of work to do so if-if are you sure there's just not anything else?
 Monica: Yes, I'm sure! Rachel is there something that you want to talk me about?
 Rachel: No! (Gets up to leave.) (Under her breath.) If there was I wouldn't tell you.
 [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Phoebe is settling a dispute between the chick and
 the duck.]
 (The duck quacks.)
 Phoebe: Okay, then what happened?
 (The duck flaps its wings frantically.)
 Phoebe: (gasps) Ohh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. (The chick clucks.) You'll get your turn!
 Ross: (entering from the bathroom) Hey Pheebs, what's going on?
 Phoebe: Nothing! (Picks up and sets the chick down on the floor.) (To the chick.) This
 is not over!
 Ross: No! No! No!
 Phoebe: What?!
 Ross: I was up all night writing this really nasty letter to Emily! It was perfect and
 now it's all covered in-in  (The duck quacks.) Actually, thanks!
 Joey: (entering from his room) All right! Everybody ready to go to the movies?
 Ross: Uh actually, I think I'm gonna skip it.
 Joey: Really?
 Ross: Yeah, I'm gonna stay and read my book. I just wanna be alone right now.
 Joey: Oh. Are you sure you don't want to come? Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, they get mail and
 stuff.
 Ross: That's okay, Joe.
 Joey: All right, let's go Pheebs.
 Ross: (licks the envelope and encounters a foreign substance on the glue.) Oh God!
 [Scene: A tennis court somewhere in the city of New York, it's the doubles match-up of
 a century Chandler and Monica versus Doug and Kara.]
 Doug: Bing!
 (Hits the ball towards Chandler who returns it back to him. He then hits the ball at
 Monica who slams it and it bounces off Kara's leg.)
 Kara: Oww!!
 Monica: Game!
 Doug: Well, I gotta tell ya Bing; that partner of yours is a real tiger. (To his wife.)
 Are you all right sweethart?
 Kara: (out of breath and mouths) I'm not all right.
 Doug: We're, we're just gonna get a little sip of water.
 (They both walk off the court.)
 Monica: Am I on fire today or what?! Those birds are browned, basted, and ready to be
 carved!
 Chandler: Okay, easy Martina. I think we should let them win the next game.
 Monica: I'm sorry, I don't understand what you just said.
 Chandler: Let them win one.
 Monica: Are you crazy?! We own those two! I mean look at 'um, he can't breath and she's
 popping pills.
 Chandler: You're not even giving them a chance!
 Monica: They have racquets don't they?!
 Doug: Uh Bing, I think we're gonna make this the last game.
 Chandler: Oh yes, sir! Put me out of my misery. Are you sure you never played pro?
 (Does his work laugh.) (To Monica) Please let them win!
 Monica: I'll take it down to 95% but that's the best I can do.
 (She serves to Doug who returns it to Chandler. As it bounces over his head Chandler
 swings and misses.)
 Chandler: Oopsey, missed it!
 Monica: I got it! (She hits a forehand smash that bounces right in between Doug and
 Kara and scores a point.)
 Doug: Nice shot.
 (Chandler glares at her and she shrugs her shoulders. Monica serves again; and Kara
 returns it.)
 Monica: I got it!!
 (Chandler cuts in front of her and hits the ball high and long.)
 Chandler: Long! (Gives Monica the Work Laugh.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Chandler are returning from the game.]
 Monica: I can't believe you let them win!
 Chandler: Yeah, at least you hid your feelings well about it. (Removes a smashed
 racquet from his bag.)
 Monica: I was frustrated.
 Chandler: It was my racquet.
 Monica: I was frustrated with you!
 Chandler: If we hadn't lost the game they never would've invented us to dinner tomorrow
 night.
 Monica: Y'know what really bothers me? Is it's how-how different you act around
 them! I mean y'know the throwing the tennis games, the fake laugh, the 'I'll see you
 around, Bing!' 'Not if I see you first, Doug!' (Mocks the fake laugh.) I
 gotta tell you, I don't like Work Chandler. Okay? The guy's a suck-up.


Chandler: Okay y'know what, because you said that, I'm not putting out tonight.
 [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, the next morning the girls are there with Joey.]
 Monica: I'm telling you, something's wrong! My brother does not stay out all night.
 Joey: Maybe we should check the trash chute.
 Rachel: Ross couldn't fit down the trash chute.
 Joey: That's right, he almost could. Which is exactly how I got stuck there.
 (Ross enters.)
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Rachel: There he is!
 Monica: Oh my God! (She goes to hug him, stops short, and hits him on the shoulder.)
 Where the hell have you been?!!
 Ross: Just, y'know out.
 Rachel: Ohh, out, oh God, I don't know why we didn't think to check there!
 Phoebe: What were you doing?
 Ross: I uh, went to a bar. And then I just uh, just walked around for a while.
 Rachel: You walked around all night in the city by yourself?
 Joey: (snaps his fingers) He hooked up! He hooked up with someone.
 Ross: Look, I don't have to answer your questions! Okay? I'm a big boy, I can do
 whatever I want!
 Joey: He hooked up!! Tell us about her!
 [Suddenly the door opens and Ross's mystery girl enters. I'll give you a hint to who it
 is: OH .MY .GAWD!! Uh-huh, it's Janice.]
 Janice: (entering) Ross you left you scarf in (sees everyone.) Hey you guys. (Does
 the laugh.)
 (They all turn and with shocked looks on their faces stare at Ross. Ross is at a loss
 for words at this moment.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, continued from earlier.]
 Janice: Uh-oh-okay. Uh-oh-okay. I know what you all are thinking. But Chandler is in Yemen!
 I'm a young woman! I have needs! I can't wait forever!
 Rachel: Yeah! No that's what I was thinking.
 Janice: So I'm asking you please, take a moment before you judge me.
 Phoebe: Oh, nobody's judging you. (They all turn and look at Ross.)
 Janice: Oh! Okay! (To Ross) You, Mister Right Place at the Right Time, call me! (Does
 her famous, or is that infamous, laugh and exits.)
 (They all turn and glare at Ross.)
 Ross: Okay, look, I-I know what you guys are going to say
 Phoebe: You two will have very hairy children.
 Ross: Okay, I didn't know you would say that.
 Rachel: Ross! Janice?!
 Joey: All right, hold on! Hold on. Hold on. This is Ross, okay? He's our friend. He
 obviously went crazy. He obviously lost his mind.
 Ross: Look, I didn't lose my mind! Okay, Janice and I have a lot in common!
 We've-we've both been divorced. We-we both have kids.
 Phoebe: So are you actually gonna see her again?
 Joey: Phoebe! Don't put ideas in his head!
 Ross: I am gonna see her again.
 Joey: Damnit Phoebe!!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is going through her purse as Rachel rushes in.]
 Rachel: (entering) Okay, I have to tell you something that I have never admitted during
 our entire friendship! But, when we were in high school I made out with James Farrell even
 when I knew that you liked him! Wow, that feels so good to get off my chest! Okay, you go!
 Monica: My turn? What-what are you talking about?
 Rachel: Ugh, Monica, I know about you and Chandler.
 Monica: What?!
 Rachel: I overheard you guys on the phone the other day, and you said, 'I'll just
 tell Rachel that I'm doing laundry for a couple of hours.' And he said,
 'Laundry? Is that my new nickname?' And you said, 'No! You know what
 your nickname is, Mr. Big.'
 Monica: Well. Sounds like you're writing yourself a little play there Rach. Wow! Let me
 know how that one turns out.
 Rachel: Well, I wouldn't know because I got so freaked out that I hung up the phone.
 Monica: Well, if you had kept listening, you-you would have heard me call him Mr.
 Big (Thinks) ot.
 Rachel: What?!
 Monica: Mr. Bigot. He tells the most racist jokes.
 Rachel: All right. So you're telling me that there is nothing going on between you and
 Chandler.
 Monica: Me and Chandler?! (Does her fake laugh.)
 [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Phoebe and Joey are there.]
 Joey: All right, put your 20 bucks down. First one to find the tasty treat wins. Okay?
 Phoebe: Uh-hmm.
 Joey: All right. Let's get the contestants out of their isolation booths. (He removes
 the waste bucket that's over the duck and the laundry basket that's over the chicken.) And
 they're off! (He puts his foot in front of the chick, stopping it from moving.)
 Phoebe: Get your foot off my contestant! Judge!
 Joey: Judge rules, no violation.
 Phoebe: Ohhh.
 Ross: (entering) Hey guys!
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Joey: Yeah!
 (Neither of them turns around from watching the chick and the duck look for the tasty
 treat.)
 Ross: Y'know what? It sounds so weird to say this but, I just had a great day with
 Janice!
 (They both turn around.)


Joey: What?!
 Phoebe: Are you serious?!
 Ross: Yeah! I opened up to her about all the terrible stuff that's been happening to
 me. I mean I talked for hours. (Joey has lost interest and is watching the race again.) It
 is amazing to have someone give you such-such focused attention.
 Phoebe: You don't need Janice for that, you've got us. We
 Joey: And the duck gets the Nutter-Butter!
 Phoebe: (turning from Ross.) No!! Hey-hey that's not a Nutter-Butter, that's just an
 old Wonton!
 Joey: Judge rules, Nutter-Butter.
 Phoebe: Ohh, tough call.
 Joey: Yeah.
 [Scene: Doug's house, Chandler, Monica, and them are just finishing dinner.]
 Doug: But seriously, I believe that we should all support President Clinton. And her
 husband Bill. (Chandler does the laugh.)
 Kara: So how do you kids like your coffee?
 Monica: Oh, none for me. Thanks.
 Chandler: Just a little bit of sugar.
 Doug: Well, maybe I'll bring it out and have Monica stick her finger in it. That oughta
 sweeten it up, huh? (Once again, with the laugh.)
 (Doug and Kara go get the coffee.)
 Monica: (To Chandler) How does that laugh not give you a headache?
 Chandler: Oh, you get used to it.
 Monica: Y'know, I-I-I don't think that I can. So if you don't mind, maybe this will be
 it for me on the work things.
 Chandler: So I laugh at my boss's jokes, what's the big deal?
 Monica: I'd rather hang out with a sniveling work weasel guy when I can be hanging out
 with my boyfriend who I actually respect.
 Chandler: Oh. (Does a double take when he realizes what she just said.)
 Doug: (entering) Uh, I gotta apologize for Kara's coffee. Y'know, I feel sorry for it
 if it ever got in a fight, it's not strong enough to defend itself. (Chandler does not
 laugh.) Did you hear what I said Bing?
 Chandler: What?
 Doug: The joke Bing. What's the matter with you?
 Chandler: Well, I-I just didn't think it was funny sir.
 Doug: Excuse me?
 Chandler: Well, I just
 Monica: (interrupting) Honey, I just don't think that you understood the joke.
 Chandler: Really?
 Monica: Yeah! I mean it was really funny, I-I just don't think you got it. You see
 Kara's coffee is-is-is weak tasting, okay? But-but what Doug was-was imply that it was
 weak physically. You get it now honey?
 Chandler: I think I do! (They all laugh.) Thank you, Monica.
 Monica: I thought you could use the help.
 Chandler: Coffee in a fight! (Does the laugh again.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is going through the mail as Joey enters.]
 Joey: (entering) Hey Rach! Hey, you mind if I read my comic books in here?
 Rachel: Sure! Why?
 Joey: Oh well, Chandler and Monica are over there and it's kinda hard to concentrate.
 Rachel: What?! She just called and said that she was gonna be working late! She keeps
 lying to me! That's it! Y'know what? I'm just gonna go over there and confront them right
 now!
 [Cut to Chandler, Joey, and Ross's apartment, Rachel enters and sneaks up to Chandler's
 bedroom where she overhears Chandler and Monica talking.]
 Chandler: (from his bedroom) All right, so you're telling me that I have to tell racist
 jokes now?!
 Monica: Sorry! I'm just I'm not very good at this! I'm a terrible liar and I hate
 having to lie to Rachel!
 Chandler: But we're not ready to tell yet!
 Monica: I know! It's just that ever since high school Rachel was the one person I
 told everything too. Y'know? I miss that so much now. She's my best friend.
 (Rachel decides not to confront them and starts to walk out, knocking over a lamp in
 the process.)
 Monica: (entering) Joey?! Oh my God, Rachel!
 Rachel: Hey! Hi!
 Monica: Wh-wh-what are you doing here? (She tries to pull her shirt down to cover the
 fact that she's wearing men's boxers.]
 Rachel: Well, I was actually I-I came over here to-to borrow this lamp. To umm,
 look at my books, y'know, see them a little better.
 Monica: Okay great!
 Rachel: Yeah!
 Monica: Great! Umm, well what-what I was doing in Chandler's room is that umm, I was
 cleaning it! In fact, he pays me to clean it!
 Rachel: Oh! What a great way to earn some extra pocket money.
 Monica: Y'know when I said to you earlier that I was at work umm, I'm at my new work.
 Rachel: That's good enough. Right? (Pause.) Okay, well umm, I'm gonna go look at my
 books!
 Monica: Okay.
 Rachel: Okay.
 Monica: I'll get back to my new job.
 (Pause.)
 Rachel: 'Kay. (Pause.) Congratulations on your new job. (She goes and hugs Monica and
 is almost in tears.)
 (After she exits, Chandler enters.)
 Chandler: Man, she is really gullible.
 (Monica motions that it went right over Rachel's head.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Janice are sitting on the couch.]
 Gunther: Here you go. (Serves them both some coffee.)


 The One With Joey's Bag
 The One With Joey's Bag
 Teleplay by: Seth Kirkland
 Story by: Michael Curtis
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Chandler's bedroom, he is giving Monica a massage.]
 Monica: I can't believe we've never done this before! It's sooo good! So
 good for Monica!
 (Chandler picks up the timer being used and turns it to zero at which it chimes.)
 Chandler: Oh! Look at that, time's up! My turn!
 Monica: That was a half an hour?
 Chandler: It's your timer.
 (They change places.)
 Monica: Y'know, I don't like to brag about it, but I give the best
 massages!
 Chandler: All right, then massage me up right nice!
 (She starts the massage, only she is doing extremely hard and Chandler is gasping in
 pain.)
 Chandler: Ah! Ahh!! Ahh!!
 Monica: It's so good, isn't it?
 Chandler: It's so good I don't know what I've done to deserve it!
 Monica: Say good-bye to sore muscles!
 Chandler: Good-bye muscles!!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch.]
 Chandler: I'm telling you, she gives the worst massages ever!! Okay, it was like
 she was torturing me for information. And I wanted to give it up I just I didn't know
 what it was!
 Joey: Chandler, if it really hurts that bad you should just tell her.
 Chandler: Look, for the first time in my life I'm in a real relationship. Okay,
 I'm not gonna screw that up by y'know, telling the truth.
 Ross: (walking up with Rachel and carrying coffee) Hey.
 Joey: Whoa, dude, look out! You almost crushed my hat! (He picks a hat up from
 the floor. It's one of those magician stovepipe hats.)
 Ross: Sorry.
 Chandler: (examining the hat) And the bunny got away. (Turns and starts looking
 for the bunny as Joey puts the hat on.)
 Ross: (glaring at Joey) This would be the place where you explain the hat.
 Joey: Oh! Yeah, look there's this play all right? And I'm up for the part of
 this real cool like suave international guy. A real clothes horse. So I figure that
 everyone at the audition is gonna be wearing this kinda y'know, ultra-hip, high fashion
 stuff.
 Chandler: And you're gonna make them all disappear.
 Joey: Yeah, like you could find something as sophisticated as this.
 (Chandler picks up a basket from the table and puts it on his head.)
 Chandler: Done.
 Rachel: Joey, if you wanna look good, why don't you just come down to the store?
 I'll help you out.
 Joey: Great! Thanks, Rach!
 Rachel: Sure! (Pause) God, please take those off!
 Joey: All right.
 (Both of them remove their hats as Phoebe enters.)
 Ross: Hey Pheebs, how's it going?
 Chandler: Hey.
 Phoebe: Hey! Umm, well, only okay because I just got back from, from the
 hospital.
 (All at once.)
 Rachel: What?
 Ross: Is everything okay?
 Joey: Are you all right?
 Phoebe: Oh yeah, no-no-no. I'm fine. I'm okay, but umm, my Grandma sorta died.
 Joey: Pheebs! Sorry!
 Phoebe: It's okay, I mean she had a really incredible life. And it's not like
 I'm never gonna see her again, y'know she's gonna visit.
 Rachel: Well maybe, maybe she's with us right now?
 Phoebe: Yeah, her first day on a new spiritual plane and she's gonna come to the
 coffeehouse!
 Monica: (entering, in a hurry) Guys! Guys! I just saw two people having sex in a
 car right outside.
 Ross: Uhh, Pheebs' Grandmother just died.
 Monica: Ohh my God, I'm so sorry.
 Phoebe: It's okay. Actually y'know what, it's kinda cool. 'Cause it's like
 y'know, one life ends and another begins.
 Monica: (to the guys) Not the way they're doing it. What, what happened? How did
 she die?
 Phoebe: Well umm, okay we were in the market and she bent down to get some
 yogurt and she just never came back up again.
 Joey: Pheebs, I'm so sorry.
 Phoebe: It was really sweet. The last thing she said to me was; 'Okay dear,
 you go get the eggs and I'm gonna get the yogurt and we'll meet at the checkout
 counter.' And y'know what? We will meet at the checkout counter.
 [Scene: Bloomingdale's, Rachel is fixing Joey up with some new clothes.]
 Rachel: Okay now Joey, y'know that since you're returning all of this stuff
 right after the audition you're gonna have to wear underwear?
 Joey: All right, then you'd better show me some of that too then.
 Rachel: Okay, it's missing something. Ooh, I know! Umm, okay. (Goes and grabs a
 bag, that looks like a purse, and shows it to Joey.)
 Joey: Really? A purse?
 Rachel: It's not a purse! It's a shoulder bag.
 Joey: It looks like a women's purse.
 Rachel: No Joey, look. Trust me, all the men are wearing them in the spring
 catalog. Look. (Shows him.) See look, men, carrying the bag.


Joey: See look, women, carrying the bag. (He puts it on his shoulder and
 looks at himself in the mirror and likes what he sees.) But it is odd how a women's purse
 looks good on me, a man.
 Rachel: Exactly! Unisex!
 Joey: Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple days ago.
 Rachel: No! No Joey! U-N-I-sex.
 Joey: Well, I ain't gonna say no to that.
 [Scene: Ursula's apartment, Phoebe is about to break the bad news to her sister. She
 knocks on the door.]
 Ursula: Who is it?
 Phoebe: It's Phoebe.
 Ursula: Oh great! (Opens the door.) (Disappointed) Oh, you. Umm, what's up?
 Phoebe: Umm, well I sorta have some bad news, can I come in?
 Ursula: Umm, yeah no thanks.
 Phoebe: Umm, well, umm Grandma died.
 Ursula: Wow! Didn't she die like five years ago?
 Phoebe: No, she just died today! Okay, umm, we're having a memorial service
 tomorrow.
 Ursula: Okay, I know that I went to that all ready.
 Phoebe: No you didn't!
 Ursula: Well, then who's been dead for five years?
 Phoebe: Well, lots of people! Look, are you coming to memorial service or not?
 Ursula: Umm, no. See I already thought she was dead so I kinda made my peace with it.
 Plus, I'm going to a concert tomorrow. So  I'd invite you, but umm, I only have two
 tickets left.
 Phoebe: Fine. Okay, enjoy your concert. (Starts to leave.)
 Ursula: Thanks! Enjoy your funeral.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler are on the couch as Joey enters with his new
 bag.]
 Joey: Hey!
 Chandler: Hey!
 (As he walks past both Chandler and Ross notice the bag and stare at each other in
 shock.)
 Chandler: Wow! You look just like your son Mrs. Tribbiani!
 Joey: What? Are you referring to my man's bag? At first, I thought it just
 looked good, but it's practical too. Check it out! It's got compartments for all your
 stuff! Your wallet! Your keys! Your address book!
 Ross: Your make-up!
 Rachel: (entering) Joey, what are you doing with the bag? You're audition is not
 until tomorrow.
 Joey: Yeah, but sandwich time is right now. (Removes a sandwich and starts
 eating.)
 Rachel: Joey, y'know you get any mustard on that bag, you can't return it.
 Joey: Why would I return it? I love this bag!
 Rachel: All right, then you owe me $350.
 Joey: Fine! Do you take Vasa or Mustercard? (He's holding the fake credit cards
 that come with the bag.)
 Rachel: (glaring at him) Joey
 Joey: All right relax, look I'll pay you with the money from the acting job I am
 definitely gonna get thanks to you.
 Ross: What's the part, Anti-man?
 Rachel: Hey, don't listen to them. I think it's sexy.
 Joey: U-N-I-sexy? (Smiles provocatively.)
 [Scene: Phoebe's Grandmother's memorial, Phoebe is at the door welcoming people.]
 Phoebe: Well hello, Mrs. Penella! Thank you so much for coming! Well, okay look,
 here's your umm, 3-D glasses and Reverend Pong will tell you when to put them on.
 (The gang arrives.)
 Rachel: Hi sweetie!
 Ross: Hey, how are you holding up?
 Joey: Hey Pheebs, I'm so sorry.
 Phoebe: (notices his bag.) Hey, y'know what? My Grandma had the exact same bag!
 Joey: Here, I brought you some flowers. (He pulls them out of the bag.)
 Phoebe: Thanks!
 Chandler: Pulling flowers out it makes the bag look a lot more masculine.
 (Another man, an older man, enters, looking around and bumps into Chandler.)
 Man: Oops, I'm sorry. Excuse me. Is this the umm, the memorial?
 (The gang moves off as Phoebe greets the new guest.)
 Phoebe: Yeah, welcome.
 Man: Hello. Hello.
 Phoebe: Umm here's your 3-D glasses.
 Man: Oh, umm, all right.
 Phoebe: So how did you know Francis?
 Man: Well I actually, I-I really, I haven't seen her for years. But umm, well I-I
 was pretty tight with-with her and her daughter.
 Phoebe: Really?! What's your name?
 Man: Umm, Frank Buffay.
 (Needless to say, Phoebe is stunned into silence. And one audience member gasps.)
 Frank Sr.: (Seeing the look on her face) Y'know what? Strike that. My name uh,
 actually is-is Joe. Uh, Joe umm, Hill.
 Phoebe: You're Frank Buffay?
 Frank Sr.: Shh! (Whispers) No! Joe Hill!
 Phoebe: You just said
 Frank Sr.: Y'know what, I gotta go. And thank you so much for coming.
 (Hands back his glasses and hurries out.)
 Phoebe: But
 (Phoebe takes one step after him and stops.)
 Phoebe: Oh my God!
 Monica: What?! What honey?
 Ross: What happened?
 Phoebe: That was my dad!
 Chandler: Oh my God!
 (They all look down the hall he left from.)
 Joey: (approaches, wearing his glasses) Hey you guys, check it out. Check it
 out. (Moves his hand towards and away from his face.) It's like it's coming right at me.
 (Chandler helps out a little bit by pushing on Joey's arm, which causes his hand to slap
 him in his face.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: The Funeral Home, continued from earlier. Phoebe is returning after looking for
 her father.]