Rachel: Oh, ok, thank you. (Molly leaves) (to Monica) Do you see what
   all the guys see in her?
 Monica: Wouldn't kick her out of bed. No more Vodka for me! (put her
   glass down)
 (Joey comes over)
 Joey: Hey Rach, so can I sing happy birthday to you now?
 Rachel: Yeah, sure!
 Joey: Oh ... (Starts to sing) Happy birth ... (sees Molly leaving) oh,
   see you later (runs after Molly)
 Monica: Hey Rach, somebody got you shoes!
 Rachel: Oh, give me! (opens the box happily, then gets freaked and throws
   away the box, she and Mon jump up the sofa)
 Phoebe: Be careful, be careful! These are my rat babies!
 Mike: Yeah. We have rat babies now.
 Rachel: Ahhhh , you brought rats to my birthday party?
 Monica: So this is what a stroke feels like.
 Phoebe: I had to bring them! We killed their mother, they're our responsibility
   now. You know, they require constant care. You should know that, Rachel, you're
   a mother.
 Rachel: Are you comparing my daughter to a rat?
 Phoebe: No! Seven rats! I think we should take them home, we need feed
   them.
 Rachel: whhh wait, you're gonna leave my party to take care of a box
   of rats?
 Phoebe: Well I'm sorry Rachel, but I'm not like you, ok? Not everyone
   can afford help. (she and Mike leave)
 (Ross gets out of the bathroom, sees Chandler)
 Ross: Where the hell are Joey and Molly? I asked you to watch them.
 Chandler: (In a helium voice, holding a balloon) I'm sorry, I got a
   little occupied.
 Ross: We have to stop them before something happens!
 Chandler: (still helium voice) Right behind you, big guy! (they both
   head for the door)
 [Scene: Ross's place, Molly and Joey are talking on the couch]
 Joey: So you see, Molly, what people don't understand is that acting
   is a discipline. It takes a lot of hard work.
 Molly: So where did you study?
 Joey: Oh, I didn't go to college.
 Molly: No, where did you study acting?
 Joey: Molly ... people don't study acting ...
 (Ross and Chandler walk in, Joey looks disappointed)
 Ross: Molly, ah, do you mind giving us just a minute?
 Molly: Sure, I'll go check on Emma.
 Ross: Thanx.
 (Molly gets up and walks away)
 Joey: (upset) Will the stable boy never get the princess??
 Ross: What do you think you're gonna do, have sex with her right here
   on my couch?
 Joey: No ... the leather sticks to my ass. You know, this isn't fair.
   What makes you think that I'm just gonna sleep with her and then blow her off?
   Huh? Can't you guys open your minds to the possibility that I actally like her,
   and might want something real? (pause) Look, the truth is, I haven't felt this
   way about anyone since Rachel, ok? I didn't think I could ever love again.
 (pause)
 Ross and Chandler: Come on! Joe!
 Joey: Ok (admits)
 (knock on door, Ross opens, it's a woman)
 Woman: Hi, is Molly here?
 Ross: Yeah, come on in. Molly?
 Molly: (goes out of the room) Hey! Guys, this is Tabatha (they kiss
   on the lips in a romantic way). (to Ross) I'll see you tomorrow.
 Ross: Ok ... (they leave the room, long pause) Well, uh, Joey, I guess
   we have no problem.
 Joey: It's like my favorite fairy tale come true! (Chandler looks at
   him) The princess, the stable boy and the lesbian!
 [Scene: Phoebe's place, Phoebe and Mike enter]
 Phoebe: Ok, ok, you start preparing the formula and I start changing
   the box and then we gotta put them straight to bed.
 Mike: Hey, when did we become one of those couples whose lives revolve
   around their rats?
 Phoebe: Well, you know what, they're our responsibility now.
 Mike: Ok, fine, these rats are our responsibility. What happens when
   they mate and there are hundreds of them?
 Phoebe: Mate? They're all brothers and sisters.
 Mike: Yeah - not such a problem with rats. No, they're more of a 'love
   the one you're with' kind of animals.
 Phoebe: No. (opens the box) wh - get off your sister! Oh my god, what
   are we gonna do? We have 7 rats. So what if each of them has 7 rats? And then
   each of those have 7 rats? That's like ... (starts counting with her fingers)
   That's math I can't even do! What are we gonna do?
 Mike: Well, I know this is gonna sound crazy, but, we could not let
   the box of rats ruin our lives.


 Untitled Document
 The One Where Monica Sings
 Written by: Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer
   Teleplay by: Steven Rosenhaus
   Transcribed by: PHDB (phdb2000@hotmail.com)
   and Sebastiano (sebapop@libero.it)
 [Scene: Chandler and Monica's]
 Chandler: Hey!
 Ross: Yeah! Yeah! OK! Sure! Look! Can we...can we talk about what happened
   here last night?
 Chandler: Sure! Just give me a second to get all huffy and weird like you!
   Do you believe that who ever
   did something over here last night did what they did or didn't do ...I mean
   come on!!
 Ross: OK you...you really don't know what I am talking about?
 Chandler: No!
 Ross: OK! Last night after the party I saw Rachel kissing that jerk from
   her office out on your balcony.
 Chandler: Our balcony? Seriously? That's so funny because I told Monica
   we should put lights on our balcony. And she said
   'No, no. It's too cold, nobody will go out there.' And I said 'Maybe
   if we put some light out there they will'
 Ross: Right that's why I came over to talk about. Hum...I saw Rachel kissing
   some guy on your balcony,
   even though there were NO LIGHTS !
 Chandler: So are you gonna...talk to her?
 Ross: Why...Why should I? I mean if she wants to move on, that's fine!
 Chandler: You know when 'That's fine' sounds true when someone
   yells it and spits!
 Ross: No I'm serious. I mean she wants to date people? Fine! I don't care
   but...at least she could have told me. You know
   I...I've been putting my life on hold and just concentrating on Emma but if
   she wants to go out there kissing guys she
   barely knows, then so will I ! Very funny! Ross is gay! Ah! Ah!
 Chandler: No no no. Good. So you're moving on? Do you have any idea where
   you're moving?
 Ross: I don't know. I mean I have plenty of opportunity. Just just now
   there were some women at the coffee house smiled at me.
   And then the other day on the subway a woman 'accidentally' sat on
   my hand.
 Chandler: Dude, don't rub my face in your crazy single life!
 Ross: Well, and how about this? There is an anthropologist at school who
   totally came on to me during the inter-departmental
   Potluck dinner.
 Chandler: Why did I get married?!

 [Opening Credits]

 [Scene: Central Perk]
 Joey: Hey! Let me ask you guys something. I have a new headshot taken tomorrow
   right and the photographer said she thinks I
   should have my eyebrows waxed. Is that weird for a guy?
 Phoebe: Well it depends.
 Joey: On...?
 Phoebe: On how far along he's in the sex change process!
 Monica: No I totally disagree. No I think it's fine for a guy to do something
   like that. Such you an actor. Not that you need to,
   your eyebrows are...
 Joey: Ok! Stop it you guys! Stop staring! You're freaking me out!
 Phoebe: Your knuckles are kinda hairy too...
 Joey: Oh man! I have to get those done too?!
 Phoebe: Wow! Talking about high maintenance
 Joey: Hey hey! You dye your hair!
 Phoebe: I'm a woman!
 Joey: Arghhh! Double standards!
 Phoebe: Oh before I forget, are you coming to Mike's piano bar tonight?
 Monica: Only if I don't have to get up and sing.
 Phoebe: But everybody sings. It's so much fun! Last time this adorable
   old man got out there, forgot all of the words, flipped out
   and everyone booed him off the stage. So funny.
 Monica: It's just, I'm not good at singing.
 Phoebe: Oh! What's the matter? Are you scared? You're afraid I'm a better
   singer? You're afraid I'm gonna beat you at singing?
 Monica: No no, it's not working on me. Wow! I must be growing up!
 Phoebe: OK fine! Please come and support Mike. You don't have to sing.
 Monica: So I don't have to sing and I can just sit there and pass judgments
   on others?
 Phoebe: While drinking...
 Monica: I'm there!
 Rachel: Hi guys! Listen I really need your help. I think I did something
   really stupid.
 Phoebe: Well yes Rachel but you got something so beautiful out there
 Rachel: No not that. I kissed Gavin last night.
 Phoebe: Oh my god.
 Monica: You kissed him?
 Rachel: Yeah. It was after the party, we were on the balcony and...
 Monica: Wait wait wait. I was at home the whole time. How did I missed
   that?


Phoebe: It was the end of the party, you were probably ironing wrapping
   paper.
 Monica: Oh yeah...So how did you end up kissing?
 Rachel: You know we were all alone and he was being really nice to me and,
   oh and he gave me this scarf...
 Monica: I thought you hated him?
 Rachel: You know honey, there is a thin line between love and hate, and
   it turns out that line...is a scarf!
 Monica: So are you thinking of starting up something with this guy?
 Rachel: I don't know. It's so complicated. I work with this guy, you know,
   I have the baby, and I have Ross, and I just...I don't
   know what to do and I have to be at the office and see Gavin in ten minutes.
 Monica: Sounds like you need to think about what you want, talk to Gavin,
   and you definitely should talk to Ross
 Rachel: Or...I could call in sick and not deal with it at all...
 Phoebe: Wow! Five-month maternity leave, you're back for four days, kiss
   a co-worker, call in sick, they are lucky to have you!!

 [Scene: Beauty salon]
 Salon girl: Hi
 Joey: Hey. I'm here for my eyebrow appointment.
 Salon girl: Name?
 Joey: Chandler Bing.
 Salon girl: Ok. Very good. Have a seat right over here Mr. Bing and Sonia
   will be right with you.
 Joey: OK Thanks.
   (Joey touches the hot wax). I touched the stuff
 Sonia: I'll take care of it
 Joey: Thanks. Do you get a lot of guys in here?
 Sonia: Oh absolutely.
 Joey: Oh good...
 Sonia: Are you looking to meet somebody?
 Joey: All right let's just do this.
 Sonia: We'll get to the wax in a minute. First I want to tweeze some of
   the strays, ok? This may sting just a little bit...
 Joey: Please I have an extremely high threshold...Holly Mother Of God!
   My face! My face!! I'm all right! I'm all right!
   Just a little bit of shock that's all but I'll be fine you can go again. I'm
   OK
   (He tries to avoid the tweezers) Dammit! Woman!! How Hoooow!
 [Scene: Central Perk]
 Chandler: Hey it's the most eligible man in NY. How's the moving on going?
 Ross: Not well. I went on the subway again and someone did sit on my hand
   but that person was neither female nor wearing pants.
 Chandler: Well maybe you're going about this the wrong way. You know I
   mean think about it. Single white male, divorced three times,
   two illegitimate children. The personal ad writes itself....
 Ross: That's funny...Do you think you'll ever work again?
 Chandler: What are doing? You know I can only dish it out!
 Ross: I can't believe Rachel just moved on and didn't say anything to me
 Chandler: Maybe she didn't move on, you know...maybe that kiss was just
   an impulsive one-time birthday thing
 Ross: No no, about a month ago she gave her number to some guy in a bar.
 Chandler: Did she go out with him?
 Ross: No. When he called, I...I threw the message away.
 Chandler: Ah! The high road...
 Ross: You know what? Enough! Enough talking! I have to get moving! Hey
   check out those two blondes over there!
   Hey come with me!
 Chandler: Are you trying to get everybody divorced?
 Ross: You don't have to do anything. It will just be easier if it is the
   two of us, like college, remember? You...you break the
   ice with some kind of jokes so that they know you're the funny one and I swoop
   in with some interesting conversation, so
   they'll see that I'm the brilliant, brooding, sexy one...
 Chandler: I thought I had to make the jokes!
 Ross: Don't you have to be at work?
 Chandler: Oh come on! Hello! Hi! My name is Chandler, here's my friend
   Ross right here, and we were wondering you know if you're up for it.
   We only need six more people for a human pyramid...Swoop!! Swoop!!
 Ross: Hum...So...hum...Oh hey I noticed you were reading the paper...another
   flood in Europe? Here's a question: 'Would you...
   would you rather drown or be burnt alive?'
 Blonde girl: Sorry...we were just leaving
 Chandler: We still got it!

 [Scene: Ross']

 Rachel: Who is it?
 Gavin: Gavin! I brought you some soup.
 Rachel: Why?
 Gavin: I heard you were sick...
 Rachel: Oh! Right! Yeah! Hold on, I'll be just clean up in here a little
   bit! Hello Gavin
 Gavin: I missed you at work today. How are you feeling?


Rachel: I a not gonna lie to you, I'm pretty sick
 Gavin: Oh! Good! Because I was having a totally paranoid moment when I
   thought you called in sick to avoid me.
 Rachel: Oh no no no
 Gavin: So I had fun last night
 Rachel: So did I
 Gavin: Exactly how contagious is this thing you have? I mean is it a cold
   for standing on the balcony or did a monkey bite you?
 Rachel: It's just a cold
 Gavin: Do you have fever? Let me see. Hum...
 Rachel: What? What's the matter?
 Gavin: What's Ross doing to you on that picture?
 Rachel: Oh he's dusting me with a fossil brush. He thought it would be
   funny.
 Gavin: Right. Right. Ross. So what's the deal with you guys? I don't want
   to get in the middle of anything
 Rachel: Oh you're not. You're not gonna get in the middle of anything,
   don't worry about Ross really, really.
   (She hears the noise of the key in the lock) Oh! Hide! That's Ross! Hide! Hide!
 Gavin: Yeah! But you said not to worry about...
 Rachel: I lied! And I'm not sick! Just stay behind the curtain!
 Molly: Hi!
 Rachel: Oh! Molly! You're not Ross.
 Molly: No I'm here to take Emma to your mother's, remember?
 Rachel: Right, right, yes!
 Molly: Don't panic!
 Rachel: What?
 Molly: There is a man behind your curtain. I have a mace in my purse.
 Rachel: No! That's OK! That's OK! That's OK! No no no no! This is my business
   associate Gavin. He's just being silly.
   Gavin come out from behind that curtain!
 Gavin: Hi! Gavin! Please to meet you. It was my idea to stand there.
 Molly: Hello! I just go and get Emma.
 Rachel: OK.
 Gavin: So hum...Why did I have to hide?
 Rachel: I thought it was Ross.
 Gavin: So what if it was? I thought there was nothing going on between
   you two...
 Rachel: There isn't. There is totally isn't.
 Gavin: You hear a key in the hole and you jump like a young bronco coming
   out of a chute for the first time. I used to be a
   rodeo clown.
 Rachel: All right. Look. Gavin...I...I guess I felt guilty that you were
   here, which I shouldn't. You know Ross and I are not in
   any relationship but...he is the father of my child, and you know we do live
   together and plus there is just so much
   history...you know it's just...I don't know, I'm sorry, I'm just all over the
   place.
 Gavin: It's OK. I know it's probably not my place but can I give you a
   piece of advice?
 Rachel: Yes
 Gavin: I think you should talk to Ross about all this.
 Rachel: People keep saying that. Oh I'm sorry Gavin
 Gavin: Don't be. It's just bad timing.
 Rachel: So seriously...rodeo clown?
 Gavin: One of the best, ma'am, one of the best...

 [Scene: Mike's piano bar]

 Phoebe: 'No time for losers, 'cause we are the champions of the world...!'
   Thank you!
 (Mike kisses Phoebe)
 Mike: Oh she's my girlfriend. That's not just how we do it here. I got
   to get a break and when we come back we've got Kenneth
   singing 'I touch myself'...I'm not here to judge!
 Phoebe: Hi hi...Oh you have got to sing.
 Monica: No I told you I can't.
 Phoebe: But you would have so much fun and you have a really nice voice.
 Monica: What have you heard me sing?
 Phoebe: All the time when you're cooking.
 Monica: What?
 Phoebe: Yeah you're always singing 'Yummy yummy yummy, I've got love
   in my tummy'
 Monica: Yeah I do rock that one.
 Phoebe: OK so isn't there a little part of you that wants to get up there?
 Monica: Just a little but...it's just so scary! I don't even know what
   I would sing...
 Mike: Well I've got a book around...
 Monica: 'Delta Dawn'

 [Scene: Central Perk]

 Ross: Hi! I could help not notice, but that's an unusual necklace
 Woman: You already hit on me an hour ago
 Ross: Right, so that's a firm 'no'. I cannot believe this, I
   just keep striking out.
 Chandler: I don't get it neither, I mean you're obviously desperate, you're
   asking women how they want to be killed
 Ross: This is great. Rachel's gonna keep kissing guys until she finds the
   one she wants and I'm gonna die alone.
 Chandler: By drowning or...?!
 Michelle: Why would he break up with me?
 Her friend: I don't know sweetie.
 Michelle: All I ever wanted was just love him and have him love me back.
   I mean, am I so unlovable?


Chandler: Well...
 Ross: I know! (he stands)

 [Scene: Piano bar]

 Mike: All right, that was Kenneth with his much too literal rendition of
   'I touch myself'. Coming up next we've got Monica
   singing 'Delta Dawn'.
 Monica: Wait wait! I can't sing in front of all these people.
 Phoebe: Just pretend they're not even here! It's OK Monica, when that spotlight
   hits you it so bright you won't see anyone
   anyway.
 Monica: Hi! I'm Monica and I'm gonna be singing 'Delta Dawn'
   'Delta Dawn, what's that flower you have on? Could it be a faded rose from
   days gone by? ...'
 Phoebe: Can you totally see through her shirt ?
 Mike: Like an X-Ray. Bad day not to wear a bra.
 Monica: 'To take you to his mansion in the sky-y?'

 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's]

 Joey: Hey, I need your help.
 Chandler: Wow, it seems serious. What seems to be the problem, Ashley Judd?
 Joey: Look, I'll get new headshot taken, all right, so I want to get my
   eyebrows shaped
 Chandler: I am sorry, moment to make fun of that, please!
 Joey: You may be a sissy but I'll still (pound you out on ground). All
   right, it hurts so bad, I could only let her do one
   eyebrow and now... they don't match!
 Chandler: It's like a baby caterpillar chasing its mama!
 Joey: All right, look, you got to help me out, ok? Look, I have the magic
   marker, I want you to fill in the skinny one so
   I don't look stupid for my pictures.
 Chandler: Ok. First of all, this is green!
 Joey: What the hell am I supposed to do!
 Chandler: All right, I will help you out but you have to promise me you
   will not tell anyone what I am about to tell you.
 Joey: What, what.
 Chandler: Ok, you know how most kids get their allowance from mowing the
   lawn or taking out the garbage, well I earned mine
   by plucking the eyebrows of my father and his 'business' partners.
 Joey: Oh my God!
 Chandler: Yeah, well, I guess you don't need my help Victor Victoria!
 Joey: Ok all right, no, no, no, no, I do, I do, I do, I need your help,
   but Chandler I don't know if I can take anymore
   plucking. It hurts so bad!
 Chandler: Oh, not with my combination of ice cubes, aloe Vera and my gentle
   self-loathing touch.

 [Scene: Piano Bar]

 Monica: 'Take me to the mansion in the sky-y'. I am sorry, the
   song is over. Did you see me out there?
 Phoebe: Every little bit of you!
 Monica: I can't believe I did this. I can't believe I'm singing for the
   people, and they liked me! Hey, did you hear that
   one shouting 'look at those tips'! I mean, did I really help you get a lot of
   tips?
 Mike: Sure.
 Phoebe: Mon', not that you didn't sound good, but...
 Monica: Good? Didn't you hear them...I was great! Thank you so much for
   making me do this. That's is the best gift ever.
 Mike: Also a good gift? Underwear.

 [Scene: Ross']

 Michelle: Thank you so much for letting me do this. Public bathrooms freak
   me out, I can't even pee, let alone do
   anything else.
 Ross: But, what's great is that you don't mind talking about it.
 Michelle: It's so amazing I met you the same day that Eric broke up with
   me, because it's like you lose a boyfriend,
   you get a boyfriend.
 Ross: Uh-ah!
 Michelle: No don't worry, this is not some rebound thing. I am totally
   over Eric.
 Ross: (pfew). Good choice Ross.
 Rachel: Oh, hey! Hi, there you are, I've been looking for you everywhere!
 Ross: Oh, yeah, hello, well, now, here I am.
 Rachel: Listen, my mum is not bringing the baby back until nine o' clock.
   So I was hoping you and I could have a
   chance to kind of talk,  somebody here?
 Ross: Oh, yeah, yeah that's Michelle.
 Rachel: Who?
 Ross: Oh, just this woman I've been seeing.
 Rachel: You've being seeing someone?
 Ross: Yeah, didn't I mention that? Yeah, I mean, we haven't being going
   out for too long, but rather there is this
   amazing connection between us. I-I mean, in fact just before you came in she
   called me her boyfriend. I thought it was
   a little too soon, but it was also, you know, it was kinda nice.
 Michelle: What are you taking amoxicillin for?


Ross: How great is this? You are already comfortable enough to look through
   my stuff. Oh, I am sorry Michelle, that's
   my roommate, Rachel.
 Rachel: Hi, and I am also Emma's mother.
 Michelle: Ah, who is Emma?
 Ross: I told you about my daughter.
 Michelle: This is your daughter? I can be your new mummy!

 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's]

 Chandler: And done!
 Joey: Oh my God! I didn't feel a thing ! Hey, are you still looking for
   a job because you can tweeze circles around
   that sadistic bitch at the saloon
 Chandler: Thanks. You wanna see what it looks like?
 Joey: Yeah, yeah. Hey, they totally match! They look great! They look great!
   How you doing!
 Chandler: Yeah, yeah, I think it looks pretty good. I was a little worried
   I was uncovering a birthmark right about
   there, but it turned out to be a little piece of chocolate.
 Joey: Thank you so much.
 Chandler: No problem.
 Joey: Listen that's a pretty girly hour we just spent, we should add some
   manly make up for it.
 Chandler: Yeah.
 Joey: Comb my eyelashes.

 [Scene: Piano Bar]

 Monica: Ok, for my next song I think I'll sing something a little more
   upbeat. All right? Oh, how about the Pointer
   Sisters 'I am so excited'. And make it bouncy!
 Phoebe: Oh you'll probably take care of that on your hands.
 Chandler: I am sorry I am late. You'll understand when you'll see Joey.
 Monica: Honey, you're just in time, I'm about to sing another song!
 Chandler: Really? In front of all this people?
 Monica: And they love me!
 Chandler: Oh my God!
 Phoebe: Yes, she gives the people what they want.
 Monica: All right, watch!
 Monica: 'Tonight's the night we're gonna make it happen, tonight we'll
   put all other things aside. Give in this
   time and show me some affection...'
 Chandler: Are those my wife's nipples?
 Phoebe: Oh? Isn't that funny? I didn't see that before, I wouldn't have
   let her go up again.
 Chandler: I gotta stop this.
 Monica: Oh, who cares, they still love me! 'I am so excited...'
 Chandler: You, touching yourself, out!

 [Scene: Ross']

 Rachel: Wow. She does that a lot!
 Michelle: Ross, you didn't tell me you were a doctor!
 Rachel: What, what, wait a minute! You haven't even told her you were a
   doctor, yet? How long have you known her, like
   an hour?
 Michelle: Actually about an hour and a half.
 Ross: I told you it wasn't long, but there is an amazing connection between
   us.
 Michelle: You feel that too? Oh, I thought that was just me!
 Ross: Are you kidding?
 Michelle: Hey, do you want to go away this weekend?
 Ross: We'll see.
 Rachel: Ok, Ross, what's going on here, are we just bringing strange women
   back to the apartment now?
 Ross: I don't know, are we just kissing guys on balconies?
 Rachel: How do you know about that?
 Ross: Through the magic of sight! I was here, putting our child to sleep...
 Michelle: Emma.
 Ross: When I happened to look through the window and I see you kissing
   a guy you know, for what? A week?
 Rachel: Oh, that's what this is all about? Did you bring her up here to
   get back at me?
 Michelle: No, actually, see I had to pee, 'cause I can't use public bathrooms
   because the doodie parasites.
 Ross: Ok, Michelle, it's time to go.
 Michelle: Well, call me!
 Ross: Ok.
 Michelle: No, wait, you don't have my phone number!
 Ross: You know, if it's meant to be, I'll guess it. Bye, bye.
 Rachel: Score.
 Ross: Oh, I am sorry, did you not like her, because I was hoping that we
   could come to one of your kissing parties on
   the balcony.
 Rachel: Oh God, I can't believe you're making such a big deal about this.
   It was one kiss, one guy, one time!
 Ross: Oh, really!
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Ross: Oh, really!
 Rachel: Oh yeah.
 Ross: What about the guy from the bar?
 Rachel: What? Who?
 Ross: The guy you gave your number to.
 Rachel: Whoa, how do you know about that?
 Ross: Because he called here looking for you. So don't tell me this...this
   kissing this guy from work is a one time thing,
   ok? You've been out there in bars and on balconies for over a month now. And
   you didn't even have the courtesy to tell me.


 Untitled Document
 Written by
   Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer
   Transcribed by Marita Bakken

 [Scene:
   Joey and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is in the kitchen as Joey enters from his
   bedroom.]

 Joey: Morning, roomie!

 Rachel: Hey! You remembered to put clothes
   on this morning.

 Joey: Fifth day's a charm.

 Rachel: Oh, Joey, it's so great to be back
   here. I gotta tell you, you're making it so easy on me and Emma.

 Joey: Hey, it's great having you back. You
   know, stay as long as you want, and when does she stop crying all night?

 (Ross
   enters.)

 Ross: Hey, you're not naked! So hey, Rach,
   when will we expect to see you tonight?

 Rachel: Well, I'll probably be back to pick
   her up around six, but she's in the bedroom all ready to go. But she did actually
   fall back to sleep, so...

 Joey: She's probably exhausted from all
   that adorable screaming she did last night.

 Rachel: Bye!

 (She
   leaves.)

 Ross: Bye! Hey, I hope Emma isn't making
   it too hard on you.

 Joey: No, hey, it's been great.

 Ross: Yeah?

 Joey: Yeah. And look, I just want you to
   know that with Rachel staying here and everything, all my feelings from before
   are totally over, okay? And even if they weren't, when you accidentally walk
   in on a woman using a breast pump...

 Ross: Yeah, that'll do it.

 Joey: Wow! So, how are you?

 Ross: I'm, I'm okay.

 Joey: Really?

 Ross: Sure, I mean, do I wish me and Rachel
   living together would have worked out? Of course. You know, I'm disappointed,
   but it's not like it's a divorce.

 Joey: Well, actually it...

 Ross: No, it's not a divorce, it is not
   a divorce! Anyway, I think Rachel and I need to, you know, get on with our lives,
   maybe, maybe start seeing other people.

 Joey: Wow, really?

 Ross: Yeah, sure, why not? In fact, if you
   know anyone that would be good for me...

 Joey: Sure, I know lots of girls.

 Ross: Yeah? Any names come to mind?

 Joey: Ooh, names?

 Opening credits.

 [Scene:
   Joey and Rachel's apartment. Joey is there as Phoebe enters.]

 Phoebe: Hey.

 Joey: Hey. I was just gonna get something
   to eat. You want something?

 Phoebe: What you got?

 Joey
   (checks the refrigerator): Okay, let's
   see, we got strained peas, strained carrots... Ooh! Strained plums. We haven't
   tried that yet.

 Phoebe: Goodie! Thanks. So, how is it living
   with Rachel again? I mean, apart from the great food.

 Joey: I'm fine, I'm fine, it's just, it's
   just weird what's happening with her and Ross. You know, yesterday he asked
   me to fix him up with somebody.

 Phoebe: Oh my god, Rachel asked me if I knew
   anyone for her too.


Joey: Why are they doing this?

 Phoebe: I don't know. They're so perfect for
   each other; it's crazy.

 Joey: You know what's crazy? These jars.
   What is it, like two bites in here?

 Phoebe: I just wish they'd realise they should
   be together.

 Joey: I know, I know. And when they moved
   back in together, I figured y'know, that's where things were headed.

 Phoebe: I know. They should be a family. They
   should get married and have more children.

 Joey: Yes, and they should name one of their
   kids Joey. I may not have kids; someone's gotta carry on the family name.

 Phoebe: You know what? Maybe once they start
   dating, and they see what's out there, they'll realise how good they are for
   each other.

 Joey: Yeah, because it is slim pickings.
   I had this date last night: Yuck! But we should probably keep it down; she's
   still in the bedroom.

 Phoebe: So, what are we gonna do? Are we just
   gonna go ahead and set them up with people?

 Joey: I know; that just pushes them further
   and further apart.

 Phoebe: Yeah. (BEAT) Oh, I know what we can
   do. We could set Ross and Rachel up on horrible dates, so that they'll realise
   how good they are together.

 Joey: Ooh, that's a great plan!

 Phoebe: Yeah, you know what the best part
   of it is? I get to do my 'plan-laugh.' (A maniacal laugh follows.)

 (They
   both start laughing really loudly.)

 Joey: Shhh! Not so loud, we don't wanna
   wake up, uh...

 (He
   looks at his bedroom door, but he can't remember the name of the girl.)

 [Scene:
   Monica and Chandler's apartment. They're in the kitchen as Rachel enters.]

 Rachel: Hey!

 Monica: Hey!

 Rachel: You guys aren't doing anything tonight,
   are you?

 Chandler: See, now, why would you assume that?
   Just because we're married? I will have you know that we are very hip, happening
   people. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to reading the obituaries.

 Rachel: I was just asking 'cause I need someone
   to watch Emma tonight.

 Monica: Sure, we'll do that. What are you
   up to?

 Rachel: Well, Phoebe set me up on a date.

 Monica: Oh my god.

 Chandler: Wow.

 Rachel: Why? What's the big deal?

 Monica: Just figured, 'cause you and Ross
   are...

 Rachel: What, slept together a year and a
   half ago? Yeah, I'm all set.

 Chandler: Well, I think it's great that you're
   going on a date, you know? I mean, it sounds healthy. I mean, you have needs.
   Embrace your womanhood!

 Monica: You want a job? Turn off 'Oprah,'
   and send out a resume!

 Rachel: So I'll bring her by around seven?
   Is that okay?

 Monica: Oh, it's perfect.

 Rachel: Oh, you guys are gonna have so much
   fun! She's at such a cute age. Oh, a couple things. Now that she's eating solid
   food, she poops around the clock. And watch out for your hair, 'cause she likes
   to grab it. And oh, she's also in this phase where if you leave the room, she
   screams bloody murder, but ah... Thanks, you guys. Have fun!

 Chandler (reading the newspaper): Suddenly
   I wish I was reading my own name.

 [Scene:
   Central Perk. Joey is drinking coffee by the counter as Phoebe enters.]


Phoebe: Ooh, Joey.

 Joey: Hey.

 Phoebe: Hey. I'm so excited; I just set up
   Rachel with the worst guy tonight.

 Joey: All right! Who is he?

 Phoebe: Well, it's this guy I used to massage.
   And by massage, I mean hold down so he wouldn't turn over and flash me.

 Joey (gives a thumbs up sign): Okay, okay.
   Wait till you hear who I got for Ross.

 Phoebe: Oh, yeah.

 (They
   sit down on the couch.)

 Joey: She's this really boring woman. She's
   a teacher!

 Phoebe: A teacher?

 Joey: Yeah, yeah, she's really into history
   and foreign movies... And oh, oh, she loves puzzles. Huh? Come on, who loves
   puzzles?

 Phoebe: Well, Ross does. What... You're -
   you're ruining the plan! Joey, you've - you've fixed him up with his perfect
   woman!

 Joey: Oh my god, you're right!

 Phoebe: Yeah.

 Joey: She even reads for pleasure!

 Phoebe: How do you even know a woman like
   that?

 Joey: What? I'm not allowed to know smart
   women?

 Phoebe: Joey.

 Joey: I met her at the library. I went in
   to pee.

 Phoebe: So now what do we do?

 Joey: Well, okay, I'll - I'll just call
   her and tell her the date's cancelled, and find him somebody else.

 Phoebe: What if we don't find him somebody
   else? We'll just tell her the date's off, but we don't tell Ross, and he goes
   to the restaurant and gets stood up!

 Joey: Ooh...I hear that's bad.

 Phoebe: Ooh, so this is great! Rachel's gonna
   have a terrible date, Ross gets stood up, and then they'll realise how good
   they have it together.

 Joey: Ah, yes, The Plan! (Laughs loudly
   again, but he sounds more like Santa Claus.)

 Phoebe: It's not Santa's plan. No, it's...
   (Laughs the real 'plan-laugh.')

 (They
   both start laughing again.)

 Joey: Yeah, you know, it's not that fun.

 Phoebe: No, I think we killed it.

 [Scene:
   Monica and Chandler's apartment. Emma is there in her playpen, while Chandler
   is behind the couch.]

 Chandler: Emma? Emma? Look at me! Well, I think
   I'll go downstairs for a while.

 (He
   does the ancient trick of going downstairs while behind the couch. As soon as
   he's out of sight, Emma starts crying.)

 Chandler: No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no! It's
   okay, it's okay. I didn't go. Don't cry, it's just a bit! I'm your uncle Chandler;
   funny is all I have!

 (Monica
   enters from their bedroom with a calendar.)

 Monica: Okay, just so you know, I'm gonna
   be ovulating from tomorrow until the sixth, so don't touch yourself in the next
   48 hours.

 Chandler: I don't do that.

 (Monica
   looks at him.)


Chandler: I'll try to stop. Wait, did you say
   until the sixth?

 Monica: Yeah.

 Chandler: Today is the sixth.

 Monica: No, it's not.

 (Points
   at the calendar.)

 Chandler: Yes, it's also 2003.

 Monica: Oh my god. Today's the sixth?! I may
   be done ovulating! I may have also served some very questionable meat at the
   restaurant.

 Chandler: It's okay. Go take the test and see
   if we're okay.

 Monica: Okay.

 (She
   runs to the bathroom, while Chandler starts acting like a chicken in front of
   Emma. Emma is silent, however.)

 Chandler: Tough crib.

 Monica: Hey, where are all my ovulation-sticks?
   There's only one here.

 Chandler: I might have checked to see if I was
   ovulating a couple times.

 Monica: Chandler!

 Chandler: I am not working. There's not much
   to do around here!

 [Scene:
   Delmonico's restaurant. Ross is waiting for his blind date to show up. A waiter
   walks past him.]

 Ross: Excuse me, is there a woman waiting
   at the bar? Someone average height, dark hair, perhaps doing a puzzle?

 Waiter: Uh, there's a drunk Chinese guy.

 Ross: Well, if I'm still here in an hour,
   buy him a drink on me.

 Waiter: Can I get you another glass of wine?

 Ross: Nah, I don't know if I should. I don't
   wanna be drunk when I go home alone.

 Waiter: Got stood up, huh?

 Ross: Yeah, it's no big deal. It's just
   a blind date.

 Waiter: Are you worried your date came, saw
   you, and left?

 Ross: No!

 (The
   waiter leaves.)

 [Scene:
   Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica emerges from the bathroom.]

 Monica: We're okay. I'm still ovulating.

 Chandler: Oh, good, because as of four o'clock
   this afternoon, I am not.

 Monica: So, let's do this.

 Chandler: I - I don't think I can.

 Monica: Come on. I know you're not eighteen
   anymore, but give it a minute.

 Chandler: Because of Emma.

 Monica: Oh my god, Emma. Oh, sweetie, I forgot
   you were here. Oh, you're right, we can't do this. We can't leave her alone.

 Chandler: Sorry.

 Monica: Unless... Maybe we do it here. I mean,
   how much can she even be aware of at this age?

 Chandler: Well, she's aware when we leave the
   room. She may notice if we start... canoodling in it.

 Monica: Canoodling?

 Chandler: Well, I can't say 'hump'
   or 'screw' in front of the B-A-B-Y.

 Monica: I don't know. I mean, I guess having
   sex in front of a baby isn't so...

 Chandler: Horrifying? Scarring? Something people
   go to jail for?


Monica: I guess you're right.

 Chandler: You guess I'm right? When we stayed
   at that bed and breakfast, you wouldn't have sex with me because you thought
   a deer was staring through the window.

 Monica: But what kind of a sick bastard wants
   to do it in front of a deer?

 [Scene:
   Another restaurant. Rachel is studying the menu together with her date, Steve.
   Steve is the stoned restaurateur from 115 TOW the Stoned Guy.]

 Rachel: Wow, everything looks so good! I think
   I'm gonna have the chicken.

 Steve (staring at Rachel): I - I just have
   to say this; you're really beautiful.

 Rachel: Oh, well, that's - that's very sweet.
   Thank you.

 Steve: I'm kind of funny looking.

 Rachel: What?

 Steve: Oh, come on, you're way out of my
   league. Everybody in here knows it. Bet that guy over there's probably saying,
   'ooh, why she out with him? He must be rich!' Well, I'm not!

 Rachel (feeling awkward): So, what do think
   you wanna order? I'm really excited about that chicken.

 Steve: I'm not funny either. So, if you were
   thinking, 'well, he's not that good-looking, but maybe we'll have some
   laughs'... That ain't gonna happen.

 Rachel: Well, come on, Steve; let's not rule
   out nervous laughter. Hey, now wait a minute. Phoebe told me that - that you
   owned your own restaurant. That's impressive.

 Steve: I lost it. To drugs.

 (Steve
   makes a face as if his mouth is too dry.)

 Steve: I silk-screen t-shirts now.

 Rachel: Really? What's that like?

 Steve: It's really fulfilling doing something
   you hate for no money. That's right. I have no money, I'm not funny, I live
   in a studio apartment with two other guys, and I'm pretty sure I'm infertile.

 Rachel
   (awkward chuckle): Now, come on, come
   on, Steve. There must be something that you like about yourself.

 Steve: I do like my hair.

 Rachel: Really?

 [Scene:
   Central Perk. Phoebe and Joey are there. Phoebe's cell phone rings.]

 Phoebe: Hello?

 (Rachel
   is still at the restaurant, but Steve is gone.)

 Rachel: Phoebe, it's me. I'm going to hunt
   you down and kill you!

 Phoebe: Hey, Rach!

 Rachel: This is the worst date ever. How could
   you set me up with this creep?

 Phoebe: You know, you are talking about one
   of my dear, dear friends.

 Rachel: I don't care! This guy is a nightmare!

 Phoebe: Oh, right, so he gets a little crazy
   when he's stoned.

 Rachel: He's not stoned.

 Phoebe: Did he go out for a cigarette?

 Rachel: Yeah, four times.

 Phoebe: My dear, sweet Rach.

 (Rachel
   hangs up in disgust.)

 Phoebe (to Joey): Well, our plan is working.
   Rachel is having a miserable time, and Ross is just stood up somewhere at a
   restaurant all alone.


Joey: Oh, great, pretty soon they'll be
   back together.

 Phoebe: By the time anyone's figured out what
   we've done, we'll be in sunny Mexico. (BEAT) Oh, wait, that's the end of a different
   plan.

 [Scene:
   Monica and Chandler's apartment. Emma has fallen asleep in her playpen, and
   Chandler has fallen asleep right next to her on the floor. He's even sucking
   on a pacifier.]

 Monica: She's asleep. Chandler?

 (Chandler
   wakes up and looks a bit confused when he finds that he has a pacifier in his
   mouth.)

 Monica: What are you doing?

 Chandler: Emma was doing it!

 Monica: She's asleep.

 Chandler: Ooh, she's asleep, that means we can...

 Monica: Yes, but we have to be fast.

 Chandler (laughs): Okay, I'll try. And you
   can't make any noise.

 Monica (laughs): Okay, I'll try.

 (They
   run to the bedroom and close the door carefully just as Joey enters.)

 Joey: Hello?

 (Emma
   starts making noises, and Joey walks over to her playpen.)

 Joey: Emma? Hey! Hi!

 (He
   picks her up.)

 Joey: How are ya? How are ya? Where are
   your babysitters, huh? Why's the bedroom door closed?

 (He
   walks over, but just before he knocks on the door, he hears some moans and looks
   shocked.)

 Joey: You can't have S-E-X, when you're
   taking care of the B-A-B-I-E!

 (He
   walks out quickly with Emma in his arms.)

 [Scene:
   Delmonico's. Ross is still waiting for his date and drinking wine. The waiter
   comes up to him again.]

 Waiter: I've got bad news. The Chinese guy
   left.

 Ross: Eh, if it was meant to be, it's meant
   to be.

 Waiter: Look; you got stood up, who cares?
   We're gonna show you a good time. Just sit and relax. In fact, let me bring
   you a crab cake appetizer on the house.

 Ross: Wow, free crab cakes. Well, that's
   nice. Although I was hoping to have sex tonight.

 Waiter: Ooh...

 (Ross
   sees the waiter looking at him.)

 Ross: Just the crab cakes.

 (Meanwhile,
   another waiter has come up to the first waiter.)

 Waiter
   #2: What are you
   doing? Are you trying to get him to stay? Because you can't do that.

 Waiter: Just get out of here, okay?

 Ross: What's - what's going on?

 Waiter: Eh, okay, the waiters have a little
   pool going. We have a bet on how long it'll take before you give up and go home.

 Ross: What? You - you're making money off
   my misery?

 Waiter: Well, if you stay till 9:20, I am.

 Ross: This is unbelievable. I - I have never
   been so insulted in my life. Now, if you'll wrap up my free crab cakes, I'll
   be on my way.

 [Scene:
   Monica and Chandler's apartment. They're done and come out of their bedroom.
   Emma is still gone.]


Monica: Well, that was weird. You were loud,
   and I was fast.

 Chandler: I think we may have really done it
   this time.

 Monica: Oh, I wish I didn't have to wait to
   take a pregnancy test.

 Chandler: You may wanna get some more of those
   too.

 (They
   walk over to the playpen.)

 Chandler: Where's Emma?

 Monica: Oh my god, where's Emma? Where's Emma?

 Chandler: Don't ask me, I was in there canoodling
   you!

 Monica: Okay, okay, I'm sure that Rachel came
   home early and picked up Emma. You go look across the hall, and I'll call her
   cell.

 Chandler: Okay. (Runs out.)

 Monica: Hey, you better hope that we're pregnant,
   because one way or another, we're giving a baby back to Rachel.

 [Scene:
   The street in front of Central Perk. Rachel and Steve are walking home from
   their date. Steve is sobbing.]

 Steve (sobbing): I - I can't believe I'm
   crying in front of you. You must think I'm so pathetic.

 Rachel: No, no, no, I admire a man who can
   cry.

 Steve: Really?

 (He
   puts his hand on her shoulder.)

 Rachel: Don't touch my coat!

 (Her
   cell phone rings.)

 Rachel: Oh, sorry, it's my phone. Hello?

 Monica (on phone): Hey, Rach, how's it going?

 Rachel: Oh my god, this is the worst date
   ever!

 (Steve
   starts crying loudly.)

 Rachel
   (to Steve): Look, you know what, I'm
   sorry, but did you really think that this was going well? (To Monica.) What's
   up?

 Monica: Hey, did you stop by here?

 Rachel: No.

 Monica: Oh my god, then...

 (Joey
   and Chandler enter with Emma.)

 Monica: Oh, thank god! Emma, there you are!

 Rachel: What? What do you mean, 'there
   you are'? Where was she?

 Monica: Oh, we were playing 'peek-a-boo.'
   She just  she loves it when I'm dramatic.

 (Monica
   hangs up, and Rachel looks at her phone.)

 Monica
   (to Joey): Why the hell did you take
   her?

 Joey: Because you two were having sex!

 Monica: No, we weren't!

 Joey: Don't you lie to me! I could tell
   by Chandler's hair. (To Chandler.) You are so lazy. Can't you get on top for
   once?

 Chandler: All right, all right, we were. We
   were trying to make a baby. Monica's ovulating.

 Joey: Hey! It is unacceptable that you two
   would have sex with Emma in the next room. I'm gonna have to tell Rachel about
   this.

 (Joey
   starts to leave.)

 Chandler: No, no, no.

 Monica: No, please don't. Please, Joey. She
   will kill us!


Joey: Hey, I gotta! Unless...

 Monica: Unless what?

 Joey: Unless you name your firstborn child
   Joey.

 Chandler: What? Why?

 Joey: Hey, I may never have kids, and somebody's
   gotta carry on my family name.

 Chandler: Your family name is Tribbiani.

 Joey: (BEAT) (Laughs.) You almost had me.

 (He
   leaves.)

 [Scene:
   The street in front of Central Perk. Steve and Rachel are still there.]

 Rachel: Well, uh...

 Steve: Look, I think I know the answer to
   this question, but... Would you like to make love to me?

 Rachel: Really, really not.

 Steve: Eh, it's just as well. Doesn't work
   anyway.

 Rachel: All right, well that's good to know.
   Good night, Steve.

 (She
   walks over to Central Perk and enters to find Ross sitting on the couch, eating
   crab cakes. She takes off her coat while groaning and shuddering.)

 Ross: Hey, what's wrong?

 Rachel: I just had a rough night.

 Ross: Oh. Crab cake?

 Rachel: Eww!

 Ross: Well, what happened?

 Rachel: Oh, well, I...It's kind of weird talking
   to you about this, but...

 Ross: Monica told me you had a blind date.

 Rachel: Yeah.

 Ross: I did, too.

 Rachel: Oh.

 Ross: But is it technically a date if the
   other person doesn't show up?

 Rachel: Oh, oh no. Do you think she walked
   in, saw you and left?

 Ross: Why does everyone keep saying that?

 Rachel: Well, if it makes you feel any better,
   I wish my date hadn't shown up.

 Ross: That bad?

 Rachel: Well, he makes t-shirts for a living,
   and he thought it would be appropriate to give me this.

 (She
   holds up a black t-shirt with 'FBI - Female Body Inspector' on the
   front.)

 Ross: Female body inspector? What size is
   that?

 [Cut
   to outside. Phoebe and Joey are walking down the street to Central Perk.]

 Phoebe: Now, wait a minute. So, they're gonna
   name their first child Joey?

 Joey: Uh-huh.

 Phoebe: How - how do I get them to name the
   next one after me?

 Joey: It's easy, you just walk in on them
   having sex.

 Phoebe: Oh, so they owe me like, three Phoebes.

 (Phoebe
   sees Rachel and Ross through the window.)

 Phoebe: Oh my god! Look, it's Ross and Rachel.
   Oh, the plan is working.

 (Joey
   does the 'plan-laugh.')

 Phoebe: Don't, don't do the plan-laugh.

 [Cut
   to inside Central Perk.]


 Untitled Document
 The One With The Mugging
 Written by: unknown yet
 Transcribed by: Johannes
 Pohl
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Ross, Monica and Phoebe are there as Chandler enters]
  Chandler: (excited) Guys, guys, I've got great news! Guess what
 Joey: Uh, ah, Monica's pregnant?!
 Monica: (shocked) Really? (She looks around, suddenly embarrassed)
   Let's get past the moment.
 Phoebe: What's your news?
 Chandler: Thank you. I got a job in advertising. (Everybody cheers)
 Monica: (hugging Chandler) Oh, honey, that's incredible!
 Phoebe: (inquisitive) Gosh, what's the pay like? (Everybody
   stares at her indignantly) Oh, come on people  (defending) come
   on, now, if I don't know who makes the most, how do I know who I like the most!
   (She looks at Joey) Hey Joey! (Joey winks at her)
 Chandler: Actually, it pays nothing. It's an internship.
 Joey: Oh, that's cool. We have interns at 'Days Of Our Lives'.
 Chandler: Right. So, it'll be the same except  less sex with you.
   (Joey nods)
 Ross: So, uh, what kinda stuff do you think they'll have you do there?
 Chandler: Well, it's a training program, but at the end, they hire the
   people they like.
 Phoebe: (enthusiastic) That's great.
 Chandler: Yeah, I mean, there's probably gonna be some ground work which
   will probably stink, you know, grown man getting people coffee is a little humiliating

   (At the same time, Gunther puts down a cup of coffee in front of Chandler)
 Chandler: (grinning awkwardly) Humiliating and noble!
   (Gunther shoots a nasty look at him while leaving)
 Ross: You know, if I didn't already have a job, I think, I would have
   been really good in advertising.
 Monica: Ross, you did not come up with 'got milk?'
 Ross: Yes, I did, I did! (He turns to Joey, disappointed)
   I should have written it down!
     Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's Aparment, Monica sits at the table]
 Joey: (entering) Hey!
 Monica: Hey!
 Joey: Where's Chandler? I wanna wish him good luck on his first day.
   (Monica smiles) ... and I smelled bacon. (taking some)
 Monica: He just left.
 Joey: (puzzled) Who did? (Monica looks bewildered)
 Rachel: (entering) Joey! You never gonna believe it: she called.

 Joey: (standing up, surprised) She did?
 Rachel: (enthusiastic) You got it!
 Joey: (still surprised) I did?
 Monica: What is she talking about?
 Joey: I don't know, but it sounds great.
 Rachel: Your agent called. You got that audition.
 Joey: With Lennart Haze?
 Rachel: Yes.
 Joey: Oh my god, that is great! That is *** for a play on broadway
   and in a real theatre, not that little one underneath the dally like last time.
 Monica: Is it a good play?
 Joey: Well, it must be, because I read and I didn't understand a singe
   word.
 Rachel: Yeah, and Lennart Haze is starring in it
 Joey: Yeah, yeah, and directing.
 Monica: (sighs) He was so good in that movie of MacBeth.
 Rachel: (disbelieving) You saw that?
 Monica: No, but  I saw the previews. They played it right before
   Jackass.
 Rachel and Joey: (pointing at Monica, a look of recognition in their
   faces) Ah!
 Joey: Yeah, he's done some amazing works.
 Rachel: Oh, yeah. Oh, I loved him in those cell phone commercials.
 Joey: (almost laughing) I know. When the monkey hits him in the
   face with that giant rubber phone. (They all laugh)
 Monica: Hey! Maybe the monkey will be at the audition!
 Joey: (sitting down) Don't make me more nervous than I already
   am!
   [Scene: Chandler's new workplace, his fellow interns are already seated around
   a table]
 Chandler: (entering) Good morning, everybody.
 Intern: Can I get you a cup of coffee, Sir?
 Chandler: Oh, no, no, I'm an intern, just like you guys  except
   for the tie, the briefcase  and the fact that I can rent a car.
 Intern: Seriously, you're an intern?
 Chandler: Yeah, well, I'm kinda heading into a new career direction and,
   you know, you gotta start at the bottom.
 Intern: (shaking his head disbelievingly) Dude!
 Chandler: Right. Look, I know I'm a little bit older than you guys, but
   it's not like I'm Bob Hope (he sits down)
   (Everybody gives him an inquiring look)
 Chandler: The comedian? USO?!
 Intern: (correcting him) Uhm, it's USA, sir.
   (Chandler desperately covers his head in his hands)
   [Scene: Audition room, Joey is lead into the room by a receptionist in a fancy
   dress]
 Receptionist: This is Joey Tribbiani. Joey, these are the producers and,
   as you probably already know, this is Lennart Haze.
   (Lennart Haze turns around in his chair to face Joey)


Joey: It is so amazing to meet you. (They are shaking hands) I'm
   such a big fan of your work.
 Lennart: Well, I've  I've been blessed with a  a lot of great
   roles.
 Joey: Tell me about it! 'Unlimited nights and weekends!'
 Lennart: You making fun of me? Because I am not a sell-out. (He stands
   up and walks menacingly towards Joey) I didn't do that for the money, I
   believe in those phones. I almost lost a cousin because of bad wireless service.
 Joey: No, I-I-I wasn't making fun of you, honestly, I-I think you were
   great in those commercials.
 Lennart: Really?
 Joey: Yeah.
 Lennart: Well, I do bring a certain credibility to the role.
 Joey: (regaining confidence) Are you kiddin'? When they shoot
   you out of that cannon
 Lennart: Peeeeeooooooooch (He mimes flying out of the cannon)
   'Hang up that phone!' One take!
 Joey: Wow!
 Lennart: So, shall we read?
 Joey: Oh, yah, sure.
 Lennart: Top of act two. This is my entrance. You got it?
   (Joey nods whereupon Lennart acts as if he is entering a room)
 Lennart: 'What the hell are you still doing here'?
   (Joey stares at him, fascinated by his performance)
 Joey: Err, 'I think you know'.
 Lennart: 'Bastard'!
 Joey: 'I am what you made me. You know what? I could go right now.'
 Lennart: 'Go, go!'
 Joey: 'I can't. Oh, I want to, long pause, but I can't.'
 Lennart: I'm sorry, sorry. You're not supposed to say 'long pause'
 Joey: (understandingly) Oh, oh, I thought that was your character's
   name, you know, I thought you were like an Indian or something, you know with
   a  (He mimes wearing a feather on his head)
 Lennart: No. Thank you so much for coming in. We appreciate it, thank
   you.
 Joey: Ah, y-y-you're sure you don't want me to do it again? I could do
   it with an accent, you know, Southern (He speaks in what he believes is a
   Southern accent) 'I could go right now, maaan!'
 Lennart: (stunned, muttering) My god in heaven.
   (The producers stand up)
 Producer #1: Joey, hang on for a second. Lennart, can we talk to you
   for a moment?
   (They stand aside, talking)
 Lennart: You, you gotta be kidding. See, h-he, he can't act. (Joey
   hears that and his disappointment is reflected in his facial expression).

   (Producer #1 whispers something)
 Lennart: Hey! I-I-I don't care if he's hot, you know. If you want to
   sleep with him, do it on your own time. (Joey smiles smugly at this)
   This is a play. No, listen: if you insist on this, I will call my agent so fast
   on a cell phone that has a connection that is so clear he's gonna think I'm
   next door.
   (Joey approaches them)
 Joey: (interrupting their conversation) Ah, hi, ah. Thank you
   so much for whispering for my benefit, but, ah, look, if you just tell me what
   I did wrong, I'd just love to work on it and come back and try it again for
   you. And, and also: (to Producer #1) 'How you doing?' (to Lennart
   again) You should, please, just gimme another chance. I really wanna get
   better, please.
 Lennart: Well, if you wanna come back at the end of the day today, here
   are my notes. Ready?
 Joey: Yeah.
 Lennart: Uhm, you're in your head. You-you're thinking way too much.

 Joey: I really doubt that.
 Lennart: (explaining to Joey, who nods fervently) No, no, no.
   It's that you're not connected with anything in your body. There's no urgency.
   The scene is a struggle, uhm, it's a race. Also, what you did was horizontal.
   Don't be afraid to explore the vertical. And don't learn the words. Let the
   words learn you.
   (Joey ponders on this for a while)
 Joey: (suggesting) Couldn't I just sleep with the producer?
   [Scene: Backstreet, Ross and Phoebe walking]
 Phoebe: Hey, do you wanna go to dinner tonight?
 Ross: Oh, I can't. I've got a date with that waitress, Katy, yeah, I
   know we've been only going out like twice, but I have a really good feeling
   about her.
 Phoebe: Oh, I hear divorce bells.
   (A mugger, his face hidden by a cap, approaches them from behind)
 Mugger: Alright. Just give me your wallets and there won't be a problem.


Ross: (taken aback) What?
 Mugger: I have a gun (It looks like he has a gun under his coat)
 Ross: O-ok. Just relax, Phoene, just stay calm. (He searches his coat
   and freaks out). Oh my god, I can't find my wallet.
   (He finally finds the wallet and hands it to the mugger)
 Mugger: Alright, lady, now give me your purse!
 Phoebe: No.
 Ross: (still in a high-pitched voice) What do you mean 'no'?
   I knew you'd be my death, Phoebe Buffay.
   (A sign of recognition runs across Phoebe's face)
 Phoebe: Lowell, is that you?
 Lowell: Phoebe? (He lifts his cap) Oh my god!
 Phoebe: (simultaneously) Oh my god!
   (They hug and scream)
 Phoebe: (excited) I'm sorry, Ross, this is my old friend Lowell
   from the streets. Lowell, Ross.
 Lowell: Ross, nice to meet you. (He stretches his hand out to him)

 Ross: Yeah, a real pleasure.
 Phoebe: Ah, it's been so long, so long. (They hug again) I can't
   believe you're still doing this!
 Lowell: Ough, I know, but I quit smoking!
 Phoebe: Good for you!
 Lowell: So you look like you're doing really well! I guess you're mugging
   days are behind you?
 Phoebe: Ouh  (she nods)
 Ross: (shocked) Oh my god. Phoebe, you used to mug people?
 Phoebe: Excuse me, Ross, old friends catching up
   [Scene: Monica and Chandler's Apartment, Monica sits on the couch as Joey enters]
 Monica: Hey, how did the audition go?
 Joey: Well, they wanna see me again this afternoon, but, err, well, Lennart
   Haze did not like me. (He sits down)
 Monica: What happened?
 Joey: Well, he said I wasn't urgent enough, you know, and that everything
   I did was horizontal and I should be more vertical. Oh, and he said that I should
   think less.
 Monica: So far so good! (Joey nods)
 Chandler: (entering, carrying a large box) Honey, I'm old!
 Monica: (standing up, walking towards him) What's wrong?
 Chandler: I am so much older than these other interns. I can't compete
   with them.
 Monica: So you're a little older. Try to look at the positive: You have
   all this life experience.
 Chandler: Yes, but I don't think life experience with these. (He opens
   the box and takes an inline skate-like sneaker out)
 Joey: Wooooooooow (He takes the sneaker) It's like they're on
   fire!
 Monica: What are they? (They sit down again)
 Chandler: They're these prototype sneakers and come up with ideas on
   how to sell them which I can't do because no self-respecting adult would ever
   where these.
 Joey: (determined) I give you $ 500 for them!
 Chandler: What am I supposed to do with these?
 Monica: Ah, come on, sneakers are easy. You wear sneakers all the time.
 Chandler: Well, first of all, they're not called 'sneakers'
   anymore. Apparently, they're called 'kicks' or 'skids' and
   I think I heard somebody say 'slorps'. (He takes a sneaker)
   And here, look: they've got these wheels to pop out from the bottom so you can
   roll around 'cause, apparently, walking is too much exercise. Kids, kids, roll
   your way to childhood obesity! (to Monica) Would you help me try to sell
   these?
 Monica: Okay, have you considered using a girl with huge knockers?
 Chandler: No, I don't think that's the kinda thing they're looking for.

 Joey: Hey, that'd work on me! Why did I get to buy Mrs. Butterwords?

   [Scene: Central Perk, Monica sits on the couch as Phoebe and Ross enter]
 All: Hey, hey!
 Ross: Hey, you'll never guess what just happened  Phoebe and I got
   mugged!
 Monica: You okay?!
 Ross: (sitting down) Yah, because Phoebe knew the mugger!
 Monica: (bewildered) How do you know a mugger?
 Phoebe: I'm sorry I have friends outside the six of us.
 Ross: You wanna know how she knew him? (He points at Phoebe) Because
   Phoebe used to mug people.
 Monica: (shocked) Seriously?
 Phoebe: Well, I'm not proud of it, but, you know  sometimes when
   I was living on the street and I needed money for food and stuff I
 Monica: (disapproving) Phoebe, that is awful!
 Phoebe: Well, ok, I wasn't rich like you guys, ok, I didn't eat gold
   and have a flying pony  I had a hard life, my mother was killed by a drug
   dealer
 Monica: You're mother killed herself!


Phoebe: She was a drug dealer!
 Ross: Well, anyway, it was a good thing Phoebe knew the knew him, because
   (menacingly) I was about to do some serious damage!
 Phoebe: (laughing) Okay
 Monica: Well, this must've brought back some really bad memories for
   you, Ross.
 Phoebe: Why?
 Monica: Well, Ross was mugged as a kid.
 Phoebe: (worried) You were?
 Ross: Yeah, it was pretty traumatic. I was outside St. Marc's Comics
   you know, I-I-I was just there minding my own business, you know, seeing what
   kinda trouble spiderman got into that week-
 Monica: (coughing) Wonderwoman!
 Ross: Anyway, I was heading towards this bakery, you know, to pick up
   a couple of dozen Linzer torts for someone  (He looks at Monica)
     when outta nowhere this thug with a pipe jumps out and says: 'Gimme
   your money, punk!'
 Phoebe: (shocked) Oh my god
 Ross: I know! And-and the worst part was they took my backpack which
   had all the original artwork I had done for my own comic book: 'Science
   Boy'
 Monica: Oh yeah! What was his superpower again?
 Ross: A superhuman thirst for knowledge.
 Monica: That's it.
 Ross: Well, I-I better get to class (He stands up) Are there any
   more of your friends I should look out for on my way, Phoebe?
 Phoebe: No  actually, you might wanna stay away from Jane street
   that's where stabby Joe works.
   (Ross leaves Central Perk)
 Phoebe: Okay, I think we have a problem here.
 Monica: What?
 Phoebe: Well, uhm, back in my mugging days, you know, I, uhm, I worked
   St. Marc's Comics.
 Monica: Yeah?
 Phoebe: Well, a pipe was my weapon of choice and, uhm, pre-teen comic
   book nerds were my meat.
 Monica: So?
 Phoebe: Well, there was this one kid who had a sticker on his backpack
   that said-
 Phoebe and Monica: 'Geology rocks!'
 Monica: Oh my god!
 Phoebe: I know  I mugged Ross!
   [Scene: Audition room, the producers and Lennart are waiting for Joey]
 Receptionist: You're late!
 Joey: (entering) I know, I'm sorry, but can I just have a quick
   second to run to the bathroom?
 Receptionist: No, Lennart doesn't wait!
 Joey: But I'm bursting with u-hu!
 Lennart: (spotting Joey) Joey! Here we go. Let's go very quickly!
 Joey: Actually, I really need
 Lennart: (interrupting) We must go now, quickly, please.
 Joey: Yes  ahahaaa (He seems to be in pain)
 Lennart: Ready? 'What the hell are you still doing here?'
 Joey: (walking on the spot) 'I think you know!'
 Lennart: 'Oh, you sick bastard!'
 Joey: 'I am what you made me! You know what?'
 Lennart: 'What?'
 Joey: 'I could go right now.'
 Lennart: 'Then go, go!'
 Joey: (urgent) 'I, oh, I can't. I want to, but I can't!'
 Lennart: Cut! That was good. (He turns to the producers) That
   was very good. You did everything I asked for.
 Joey: (disbelieving) I did?
 Lennart: Yes. Plus  what you've got that  I don't know what
   you've got going  this squirmy quality that you bring into the character
   that I couldn't've even imagined. Wow, hey, here's what we gonna do: come back
   tomorrow for the final callbacks with the ***, do all of this what you've got
   going now, but  you know what?  more, more. Can you do that?
 Joey: Sure, yeah. I don't have time to say thank you because I really
   gotta go. (He grabs his jacket and limps out of the room)
 Lennart: (watching Joey leave) Look at that: still in character,
   I like it  I plant seeds I can't explain.
   [Scene: Monica and Chandler's Apartment, Chander sits on the couch as Monica
   and Rachel enter]
 Monica: Hey!
 Chandler: Hey!
 Monica: What are you doing?
 Chandler: Putting on the sneakers  thought I'd get into a younger
   mindset, you know, to see if it sparked anything
 Rachel: Oh, anything yet?
 Chandler: Yes, how's this: They're so uncomfortable it's like getting
   kicked in the nuts for your feet!
   (At that moment, Joey opens the door)
 Joey: (entering) Hey!
 All: Hey!
   (Joey heads straight for the fridge, takes all the beverage cans and is about
   to leave the apartment)
 Joey: Probably wanna know what I'm doing ?
 Monica: No, that seems about right.
 Joey: Yesterday at my audition, I really had to pee, and apparently,
   having to pee makes me a really good actor. I got a call-back, so I'm drinking
   everything. Oh, by the way, that egg nog in our fridge was great!


Rachel: Joey, that was formula.
 Joey: We gotta get more of that. (He leaves the apartment)
 Chandler: (sitting on the couch) You know what  these aren't
   half-bad! (to Rachel) You should suggest something like these to Ralph
   Lauren.
 Rachel: Okay, first of all, that's stupid and second of all, I'm not
   allowed to talk to Ralph.
 Chandler: Alright (He stands wearing the sneakers on) I feel youger
   already!
   (He trips and falls hard on his back)
 Chandler: (on the floor) Yah, I think I broke my hip.
   [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there drinking coffee and Ross is about to enter]
 Phoebe: (spotting Ross) Hey, you!
 Ross: Hey!
 Phoebe: Hey, how was class?
 Ross: No one ever asked me that, what's wrong?
 Phoebe: Nothing, I really wanna know.
 Ross: Oh  (He looks positively surprised) Well, uhm, there
   was actually a rather lively discussion about the Pleistocene
 Phoebe: (interrupting) Alright, nothing is worth this. Uhm, I
   have a confession to make  uhm, okay, you know, that girl that mugged you
   when you were a kid
 Ross: (disbelieving) Wh-What are you talking about? It wasn't a girl.
   It was this huge dude.
 Phoebe: You don't have to lie anymore, Ross, I know that it was a fourteen
   year-old girl.
 Ross: No, it wasn't.
 Phoebe: Yes, it was.
 Ross: No, it wasn't. You don't think I would've defended myself against
   a fourteen year-old
 Phoebe: (interrupting, pinching his year) 'Gimme your money,
   punk!'
 Ross: (shocked) Oh my god, it was you! I can't believe it, you
   you mugged me?
 Phoebe: (apologetic) Yeah, and I'm so, so sorry, Ross, I'm sorry,
   but, you know, if you think about it, it's kinda neat. (She smiles at him,
   but he doesn't understand) I mean, well, it's just that I I've always felt
   kinda like an outsider, you know, the rest of you have these connections that
   go way back and, you know, now, you and I have  have a great one!
 Ross: It's not the best!
 Phoebe: I know, I'm sorry, please forgive me. I don't know what to say
 Ross: (indignant) There's nothing you can say. That was the most humiliating
   thing that ever happened to me.
 Phoebe: Really? Even more humiliating than
 Ross: (interrupting) Hey, let's not do this!
   (He picks up his briefcase and walks out of the door, leaving Phoebe behind)
   [Scene: Chandler's new workplace, we are witnessing a presentation of a fellow
   intern]
 Intern:   and then, at the end of the commercial, the girls get
   out of the hut tub and start making out with each other!
 Boss: (ironic) That's interesting! Just one thought: You didn't
   mention the shoes. Who's next? (Chandler raises his hand) Chander
 Chandler: Okay  (He stands up) You start on the image of
   a guy putting on the shoes. He's about my age
 Intern: (snorting) Your age?
 Chandler: A-huh. So he's rolling down the street and he starts to lose
   control, you know  maybe he falls  maybe hurts himself. Just then,
   a kid comes flying by wearing the shoes. He jumps over the old guy and laughs,
   and the line reads: 'Not suitable for adults!'
 Boss: Chandler, that's great!
 Chandler: Oh, thank you, sir  or man-who's-two-years-younger-than-me
   (He sits down again)
 Boss: You see? That has a clear selling point. It appeals to our key
   demographic, it's . (enthusiastic) You did you come up with that?
 Chandler: (over-enthusiastic) I don't know, I don' I don' know! I was
   just trying to get into a young mindset, you know, and it just started to flow.
 Boss: That is great. Good work!
 Chandler. Thank you.
 Boss: See all of you tomorrow. (He leaves)
   (Chandler stands up and walks out the room with a cane)
 Chandler: The cold weather hurts my hip!
   [Scene: Central Perk, Ross sits in a chair as Phoebe enters]
 Phoebe: Hey, Ross! (He lowers his newspaper and scowls at her)
   I know you're still mad at me, but can I just talk to you for a second?
 Ross: Sure, go ahead. Whoops, sorry, sure, go ahead. (He raises his
   hands as if being mugged)
 Phoebe: I just really wanted to apologize again and  and also show
   you something I think you'll find very exciting.
   (She puts a box on her lap, labelled 'crap from the street')


 Boob Job
 The One With The Boob Job
 Transcribed by: r3v3LaT1oN with corrections and additional information by Keith
   Owen
 [Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. Chandler and Monica are looking through
   some papers.]
 Chandler: Did you see our bank statement? Can this be right?
 Monica: I know...God. I haven't seen my savings take a hit like this
   since I was a kid and they came up with double-stuffed Oreos. What happened
   to all our money?
 Chandler: I'm not sure what they did, but I'm inclined to blame Enron.
 Monica: I guess with you doing the internship, we're just spending more
   than we're bringing in.
 Chandler: Maybe I should quit and get a job that pays.
 Monica: Oh, But you're finally doing something that you love! I can't
   ask you to give that up. Though it'd be nice if the thing that you love was
   y'know... finding gold.
 Chandler: You know what? You know what? I think we're making too big
   a deal out of this. ok? So we pay our bills a little late this month and maybe
   next month we cut back on a few things. And maybe we start eating out of Joey's
   refrigerator for a change. You're chef... what can you make out of backing soda
   and beer?
 Monica: Ok worse case scenario is...we borrow some money from my parents.
 Chandler: No! We're not borrowing money.
 Monica: Why not?
 Chandler: Because we don't do that. We are Bings! And if there's one
   thing my father taught me was... well to always knock before going into the
   pool house... but the other thing was never borrow money.
 Monica: Wow! I Had no idea you had this much pride.
 Chandler: That's right! I do! And I'm your man. And I'm going to get
   us through this situation even if it means you working twice as hard.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Phoebe's apartment. Mike and Phoebe seem to have finished
   watching a movie on television.]
 Mike: I'm gonna go. (He kisses Phoebe on the cheek)
 Phoebe: Why??
 Mike: I haven't been home in a couple of days and I need to get some
   more clothes.
 Phoebe: Oh...you don't have to go, I have something that will fit you.
 Mike: I put that tube top on as a joke.
 Phoebe: I want you to stay.
 Mike: I want to stay too but I've gone as bad as much use out of these
   boxers as I can..
 Phoebe: Why don't you turn them inside ou...
 Mike: Done it. (Phoebe becomes a little more subdued) I'll be back in
   a couple of hours.
 Phoebe: I'll miss you.
 Mike: Me too. (He leaves. A few moments later, he enters again.) You
   know what? I just realised something. I don't wanna go home.
 Phoebe: Great! Ok...I'll go get the tube top.
 Mike: No, no! What I mean is, I hate going back to my apartment
   now... and partly because I live above a known crack den but... mostly because
   when I'm there, It's just, I really miss you. So.. do you want to move in together?
 Phoebe: Wow, Mike Hannigan...You sure know how to make a girl say 'Hell
   yeah!'
 Mike: So we're doing it?
 Phoebe: Yeah! Let's do it! Let's live together! (They embrace and Mike
   kisses Phoebe) Oh god, we're really going to move in together!
 Mike: Yeah!
 Phoebe: I've always wanted to live with a guy. 'Pick up your socks!'
   'Put down the toilet seat!' 'No! We're not having sex anymore!'
   It's gonna be fun!
 [Scene: Joey's apartment. Monica enters.]
 Monica: Hey Joey!
 Joey: Hey!
 Monica: Listen...I need to know that what I'm about to ask you, will
   never get back to Chandler.
 (Joey frowns...then looks as if he understands)
 Joey: I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about it myself. Chandler
   is my best friend, it would be wrong. Good...(He winks)...But wrong.
 Monica: (Looks exasperated) Ok first of all...It would be great. But
   that's not what I'm here to talk to you about. I need to borrow some money.
 Joey: Aww, I don't know Monica y'know... erm... lending friends money
   is always a mistake.
 Monica: But Chandler lent you money!
 Joey: And I think he would tell you it was a mistake.
 Monica: Come on...I just need it for some rent and..and some other bills.
 Joey: Oh...how much?
 Monica: Two thousand dollars?
 Joey: Two thousand dollars!? What do you think I am? I soap opera star!?


Monica: Yeah...
 Joey: That's right I am! (Opens drawer and rummages through it. Rachel
   enters)
 Rachel: Hi you guys!
 Joey & Monica: Hey!
 Joey: Oo...what's in the bag?
 Rachel: Oh er... well you know Emma started crawling? I realised that
   this place, is very unsafe for a baby. So I went to the store and got some stuff
   to baby-proof the apartment.
 Joey: Oh...baby-proofing... Why is this such a big deal now? Y'know,
   when I was a kid it was like.. 'Whoops! Joey fell down the stairs!'
   or er.. 'Whoops! Joey electrocuted himself again!' Huh!
 Monica: Anyway erm, are you going to get a handyman to install this
   stuff?
 Rachel: No. I was just going to do this myself. (Joey makes a sarcastic
   laugh.)
 Joey: You're gonna do it?
 Rachel: Yeah, Why? You don't think a woman can do this?
 Joey: Oh, women can. You can't.
 Rachel: Monica...would you please tell Joey that he is a pig?
 Monica: You're a pig. And you can't do this.
 Rachel: Wha!? What!? Come on! I found the hardware store all by myself!
 Joey: The hardware store is right down the street.
 Rachel: There is a hardware store right down the street?
 [Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Chandler and Monica are sitting on the couch. Phoebe
   and Mike enters.]
 Phoebe: Hey you guys! Ok, we've got great news.
 Mike: Phoebe and I are moving in together.
 Monica, Chandler, Ross: Congratulations!/Good for you!/Great!
 Phoebe: I know it's so exciting! You know I've never lived with a guy
   before.
 Monica: Well you know it's just like living with a girl. Only they don't
   steal your makeup. Unless they're playing 'This is what my sister would
   look like' (Looks at Chandler)
 Chandler: Yeah.... she's not so cute.
 Mike: I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
 Phoebe: Okay, well you put down the toilet seat.
 Mike: Yes dear.
 Monica: Is that a bit you guys do?
 Phoebe: Uh huh...we're playing you two.
 Monica: We don't do that! Tell her we don't do that!
 Chandler: Yes dear.
 Ross: I can't believe you guys are moving in together. That's, that's
   great! I mean...I'm happy for you guys..
 Monica: I hear wedding bells.
 Phoebe: Monica slow down! Ok? I'm just excited to be living with him.
   You know I mean, I don't know, Can I see someday being married to Mike? Sure!
   Yeah. Y'know..I can picture myself walking down the aisle in a wedding dress
   that highlights my breasts in an obvious yet classy way. But do I want that
   house in Connecticut...you know..near the good schools where Mike and I can
   send Sophie and Mike Junior.. Oh my god I do.
 Ross: Phoebe, I had no idea you were so conventional.
 Phoebe: I know! I guess I am! Oh my god! Load up the Volvo I want to
   be a soccer mom!
 Mike: You ready to go?
 Phoebe: Yeah! You bet roomy!
 Monica: Don't you mean..groomy?
 Mike: What are you talking about?
 Phoebe: Oh please, these guys, we haven't even moved in yet and they
   have us picking out china patterns. (Mike seems to gag a little...and laughs
   nervously. They begin to leave. Phoebe bolts back)
 Phoebe: China patterns!!!!!
 [Scene: Joey's apartment. Rachel is fiddling with the drawer.]
 Rachel: This is easy...Can't do this! (Moves away...and finds her sweater
   sleeve stuck to the drawer) Oh! Wow! Seriously I can't do this. (Fiddles more)
 [Scene: Central Perk. Chandler sits on the couch. Joey sits at the round table]
 Chandler: Hey Joe!
 Joey: Hey!
 Chandler: Listen er..I need to ask you a favor but you can't tell Monica
   anything about it.
 Joey: I thought you didn't have secrets from Monica.
 Chandler: And that would have made the official party line. (Joey nods)
   Monica and I are having a little financial trouble.
 Joey: Yeah, I know.
 Chandler: What? What do you mean you know?
 Joey: Err... I just figured it out! You know, I mean you're not working
   and the economy is bad.
 Chandler: Oh! Right.
 Joey: (to himself) That's the fastest I have ever thought!
 Chandler: Anyway, err... I need to borrow some money.
 Joey: Oh! Sure! How much? Two thousand dollars?
 Chandler: Yes! Two thousand dollars exactly! How do you know that! (Joey
   begins writing a cheque)
 Joey: Err...Well I...Know how much you used to make and I know how much
   your rent is. (shrugs)
 Chandler: Oh ok.
 Joey: (To himself) I am on fire!
 Chandler (Stands up and walks to Joey): Listen...this is really nice.
   Do you... (sees his chequebook) Did you write a cheque to Monica for two thousand
   dollars? Did Monica borrow money from you?


Joey: Err... Kind of.
 Chandler: I can't believe her! Did she tell you we were having money
   problems?
 Joey: Oh no no no no no... It wasn't... It wasn't because of your money
   problems, it was for something for her.
 Chandler: What?
 Joey: Something personal.
 Chandler: What would she get for herself for two thousand dollars that
   she wouldn't tell me about?
 (Woman with huge breasts cuts across them. Takes Joey's coffee)
 Woman: Excuse me.
 Joey: Boob job.
 Monica: I don't want her to get a boob job! That's crazy!
 Joey: Well it's...It's not that crazy okay? Making them smaller,
   that would be crazy.
 [Scene: Phoebe's apartment. Phoebe and Mike are packing stuff.]
 Mike: Well hey, I wanna ask you about Monica's little 'groomy'
   joke.
 Phoebe: Oh! Alright. Well I think the reason people laugh is becuase
   it's a play on the word roomy.
 Mike: I get the joke. Sophisticated as it was. Now the thing I wanna
   say is... maybe we should have talked about this before. Us living together,
   you're not expecting a proposal, right?
 Phoebe: Oh no! No no! Not at all. We're just moving in right now. See
   where it goes.
 Mike: Yeah well, that's the thing. For me it's as far as it can ever
   go.
 Phoebe: What do you mean?
 Mike: Look. Phoebe, I-I love you. Very much. But I never want to get
   married again.
 Phoebe: Oh. Wow.
 Mike: It's just my first marriage was, you know such a disaster. I kind
   of lost faith in the whole idea.
 Phoebe: Was it really that bad?
 Mike: At one point near the end she deliberately defecated.....
 Phoebe: Ok, well that's bad. But don't you think it might be different
   with someone else? Perhaps a blonde who always uses a toilet. Except for once
   in the ocean.
 Mike: Look it's not about who I would marry. And I was certain the first
   time I got married it would last forever. And I was totally wrong!
 Phoebe: But it's just...
 Mike: Look Phoebe, It's not about you. I just never wanna get married
   again.
 Phoebe: Oh!
 Mike: I'm sorry. Are you ok with that? Cause if not...maybe us moving
   in together isn't the best idea.
 Phoebe: No! I definitely don't wanna get married. No I just wanted to
   make sure you didn't want to too. Whew! Coz you know when we move in and you
   start changing your mind there's gonna be hell to pay mister!
 Mike: Trust me, I will never...
 Phoebe: Yeah I get that.
 [Scene: Joey's apartment. Rachel is flipping through magazines. Handyman is
   installing things. Monica enters.]
 Rachel: Hi!
 Monica: So you gave in and decided to call someone?
 Rachel: Yeah, I don't know who I was kidding. I can barely use chopsticks.
 Handyman: You're all set. (picks up his bag and starts to leave)
 Rachel: Oh thank you so much. (Picks up the guy's spirit level) Oh oh
   wait! You forgot your erm...Your game. (hands it to him)
 Handyman: Thanks.....
 (Chandler enters)
 Chandler: Hey Rach! There she is...My perfectly proportioned wife.
 Rachel: Don't look at me I never get his jokes.
 Monica: Thank you?
 Chandler: Oh no..don't thank me. Thank you. You know there's not one
   thing I would change about you? Not one single thing! And definitely not...
   two... single things.
 Monica: Ok, you're being wierd. Do you want sex or did you do something
   bad?
 Chandler: No no! I just love the way you look, I am warm, for
   your form.
 Monica: Ok..You know the old classics you know,You look nice? They're
   still ok.
 Chandler: Well yes yes... You look nice can mean that your face looks
   nice. I want to compliment your body. I mean..I wouldn't change it. At
   all. And more specifically, I wouldn't want anything to get any bigger.
 Monica: Okay...
 Chandler: I mean, You wouldn't want any part of me to get any bigger
   would you? Don't answer that.
 (He leaves)
 Rachel: Just when you thought that dude couldn't get any wierder.
 Monica: I know why do you think he was so worried about me getting bigger?
 Rachel: I don't know! I mean, what brought that on?
 Monica: Oh my god. We're trying to get pregnant so he's probably starting
   to freak out about the fact that my body is going to change.
 Rachel: No you really think that's what it is?


Monica: You heard him! 'No bigger!' 'You're perfect!'
   'Just don't get any bigger!' Oh my god he sounded just like my high
   school wrestling coach. You know what? I'm going to have to talk to Chandler.
 Rachel: Yeah! If you don't I will! Of course your body's gonna change.
   Your breasts are gonna get bigger, your ass is gonna get bigger, you're gonna
   lose bladder control. (she starts sobbing) God! It's just such a magical time!
 [Scene:Ross's apartment. Phoebe is at the door.]
 Phoebe: Hi
 Ross: Hey!
 Phoebe: Listen, I wanted to ask you something about marriage.
 Ross: Oh great now you're seeking me out to make jokes? I mean I can
   see for all hanging out but to come to my home!
 Phoebe: No...I really wanted to know how you feel about it.
 Ross: Why?
 Phoebe: Mike doesn't ever wanna get married.
 Ross: Never?
 Phoebe: Never.
 Ross: wow, are you still going to move in with him?
 Phoebe: I want to, but I just want you to tell me that marriage isn't
   really that big a deal. You know that I won't, I won't be missing out on anything.
   That marriage stinks!
 Ross: Yeah, marriage... stinks! I mean if you wanna see a man gain weight
   and a woman stop shaving? Get them married.
 Phoebe: That's not how you really feel is it?
 Ross: No, I'm sorry. Look I don't think that's what you wanna hear right
   now but I can't help it. I love marriage.
 Phoebe: Seriously? You divorce-o?
 Ross: If you have to call me name, I prefer 'Ross the Divorcer'.
   It's just cooler. Look, I know my marriage isn't exactly work out. But I love
   to be that committed to another person. And Carol had some good times before
   she became a lesbian... and once afterward. I'm sorry.
 Phoebe: It's ok that's how you feel.
 Ross: But come on! I mean living together will be great! I mean you
   guys have so much fun and you love Mike.
 Phoebe: I do love Mike.
 Ross: Yeah see? And you are so excited about moving in together before,
   and you know what? You should be. It's a big deal!
 Phoebe: Yeah I guess you're right. Yeah thanks. This helped. Thanks.
 Ross: The Divorcer, to the rescue!
 Phoebe: It's not cooler.
 Ross: Yeah I just hurt it.
 [Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey enters carrying a tub of ice cream. He sets
   it on the table, takes off his jacket and struggles with the drawer. It cannot
   be opened.]
 Joey: Rach?! (He walks over to the fridge to put it in, but it cannot
   be opened either) Rachel!!!!? (He walks to the bathroom and tries to lift the
   toilet seat cover. It won't come up.) So I can't do anything I like????
 [Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. Chandler enters. Rachel and monica
   are seated at the table.]
 Chandler: Hey Rach! Ah........ Perfection. (kisses monica) Wouldn't
   change a thing. Not a thing.
 Monica: Honey?
 Chandler: Yeah?
 Monica: About that? Erm...I'm going to change.
 Chandler: But honey you don't have to.
 Monica: I'm going to get bigger!
 Chandler: Honey I... I love your breasts the way they are!
 Rachel: Argh. fascist
 Monica: Well, my breasts are going to get bigger weather you like it
   or not! And you know what? It's not just my breasts. My ass is going to get
   bigger too.
 Chandler: your ass?!?!?
 Rachel: Man, don't be surprised if her hands and her feet get bigger
   too!
 Chandler: They...do that?
 Monica: It's kind of a package deal!
 Chandler: God why why would you want to do that to yourself!?
 Monica: I thought I was something that we both wanted!
 Chandler: Alright look, if it means that much to you, a may be able
   to get on more with the big boobs. But the giant ass and the big clown feet?
 Rachel: Oh my god Chandler! If you can't handle this, what are you going
   to be like in the hospital? With the blood and the screaming and the little
   present that's shooting out of her!?
 Chandler: (sedated) What?
 [Scene: Joey's apartment. He's prying open the drawer with a crowbar to no
   avail. Monica, Rachel and Chandler enter.]
 Rachel: Joey! Why did you tell Chandler that Monica was getting a boob
   job?
 Joey: Because she is!
 Monica: Joey, Chandler knows I borrowed the money.
 Joey: Mmmm hmm! For your boob job!
 Monica, Rachel, Chandler: It's over/Joe!


 Friends 917 - The One With The Memorial Service
 Friends
   917 - The One With The Memorial Service
 Aired: 3/13/2003
   Teleplay by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones
   Story by: Robert Carlock
   Directed by: Gary Halvorson
   Transcribed by: Eleonora, Pheeboh and Vanessa
 [Scene: Ross' apartment , Chandler and Joey enter]
 Chandler: Hey! Ready to go?
 Ross: Oh yeah, let me just finish this.
 Joey: Hey Ross, check this out! (he tries to spin a basketball on his
   fingertip but he throws it against a table) yeah, I can't do that!
 Chandler: What are you doin'?
 Ross: Have you seen this? It's a new alumni website for college! It's
   cool! You can post messages for people, let everyone know what you're up to.
 Chandler: Great, a faster way to tell people that I'm unemployed and
   childless .
 Ross: It's actually kinda interesting to find out what people are doing...
   remember Andrea Rich?
 Chandler: The tall girl who wouldn't sleep with you?
 Ross: Uh uh... well, her Internet Company went under and she lost an
   ear in a boating accident...
 Chandler: Bet she'd sleep with you now...
 Ross: No... I already e-mailed her.
 Chandler: Let me see what you wrote about yourself: 'Doctor Paleontology,
   two kids... ' (pause) You split with Carol because you have different interests?...
   I think you split with Carol because you've one very similar interest!
 Ross: You know what? I'm gonna finish this later, ok? Let me just grab
   my coat.
 Joey: Hey! (he throws the basketball against a table again)
 Ross: (he picks up the ball) What do you think you learnt how to do
   in the last two minutes?? (he enters another room)
 Chandler: Maybe we finish this for him! (he sits down on the sofa and
   he start typing on Ross' computer) 'Also I cloned a dinosaur in my lab. She's
   now my girlfriend. I don't care what society says. It's the best sex I've ever
   had'... aaand SEND!
 Joey: (he stops Chandler from posting the message) No, no, no... what
   do... you can't do that to him!
 Ross: (he comes back) Alright, let's go!
 Joey: Dude! (he opens his arms to receive the ball from Ross' hands)
 Ross: I think you made it clear you cannot be trusted with the ball
   inside the house!
 Joey: (after Ross leaves the room) aaand SEND! (he hits the send button)
 Opening credits
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment]
 Rachel: Hey! How was basketball?
 Joey: Oh, it was a lot of fun right up until Chandler got a finger in
   the eye!
 Rachel: Oh, no! Who did that?
 Joey: Chandler... hey... (he goes towards his room but he stops near
   Emma's cot) Rach... what's Hugsy doin' in the crib with Emma? (he looks puzzled)
 Rachel: She was just crawling around and she found him, so I just let
   her sleep with him. That's all right? Isn't it?
 Joey: (still very puzzled) Oh, yeah... of course... yeah... it's a stuffed
   animal... you know... it's for kids... not for adults... I know that!
 Rachel: Joey... are you sure? I mean, I know how much you love him!
 Joey: Rachel... let's be clear on this, ok? I do not love Hugsy. I like
   him a normal amount...
 Rachel: All right... Oh, Emma loves him!
 Joey: Why wouldn't she? He's a wonderful person!
 [Scene: Central Perk]
 Phoebe: Hi.
 Monica: Hey Phoebe... how you doin'? You feelin' better?
 Phoebe: Breaking up sucks! Oh, I really miss Mike!
 Chandler: Oh, I'm so sorry!
 Phoebe: Oh God, I tried everything to make myself feel better. I even
   tried writing a song about it... but... I can't think of anything that rhymes
   with AARRGGHH!! (pause) Hey Monica, I really need your help getting through
   this...
 Chandler: You're not gonna need my help?
 Phoebe: Well no, when I get to the point where... you know... I'm ready
   to hear cruel mocking jokes about Mike... I'm gonna come to you.
 Chandler: Oh good, 'cause I've already thought of 3... 4! I've just
   thought of a fourth (he goes towards the counter)
 Phoebe: Ok. I mean I know I did the right thing. You know, Mike never
   wants to get married and I shouldn't be in a relationship that has no future...
   but... pretty soon I'm gonna miss him so much. I'm gonna wanna see him again
   and you have to stop me from doing that.


Monica: Ok, you got it!
 Phoebe: (after a pause) Unless... Maybe it's too crazy about this...
   Alright so... you know, there is no future... but that doesn't mean we still
   can't have fun. You know what? Forget what I said.
 Monica: Really? If that's what you want...
 Phoebe: That was a test and you just failed.
 Monica: Damn it! Rookie mistake!
 (Ross enters and he's really angry. He goes towards Chandler who's sitting
   at the counter)
 Ross: (yelling at Chandler) I have sex with dinosaurs??
 Chandler: I believe I read that somewhere!
 Ross: That only is not funny, it's physically impossible! Ok? Depending
   on the species I'd have to have a six foot long... (pause) It's not funny!!
 Chandler: I respectfully disagree.
 Ross: I can't believe you put that on my alumni page!
 Chandler: Who cares? Nobody reads those things
 Ross: You'd better hope not because I just read what you put on your
   page today.
 Chandler: I don't have a page.
 Ross: Oh oh oh! I RESPECTFULLY DISAGREE!!
 [Scene: Rachel's room. Rachel and Emma are sleeping; Joey sneaks
   in and approaches the crib]
 Joey: Look at you, all sweet and innocent, sleeping like an angel...
   with Emma's chubby little hands wrapped around ya. (he picks up Hugsy) It's
   okay, Emma, you stay asleep. (Emma cries)
 Rachel: (threatening Joey with a scrunchy): Step away from the crib,
   I have a weapon!
 Joey: It's okay, it's okay Rach, it's me. Put down the scrunchy.
 Rachel: What are you doing?
 Joey: Well, I heard Emma stirring, so I came to make sure she could
   reach Hugsy.
 Rachel: Oh, oh thanks. Alright well, now that I'm up I'm going to go
   to the bathroom.
 Joey: (placing Hugsy back in the crib) There you go sweetie... (to Emma)
   This isn't over.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's. Chandler is looking at the screen
   of his laptop, shaking his head.]
 Monica: Alright, wait a second, why would Ross tell everyone in your
   class that you are as... (reads from the screen) 'gay as the day is long'?
 Chandler: Because I told everyone he slept with dinosaurs.
 Monica: But that's clearly a joke. This could easily be true. (Phone
   rings)
 Chandler: Would you get that please? People have been calling to congratulate
   me all day.
 Monica: (On the phone) Hello? No, he's not here. Yeah, this is his wife.
   Yeah, well, it came as quite a shock to me too. I guess I should have known.
   Yeah, I mean, he just kept making me watch Moulin Rouge.
 Chandler: Hang up, hang up. And that was a great movie! (Monica hangs
   up) I'm so gonna get back at Ross... oh yeah, this will show him, here we go
   (starts typing something).
 Monica: What are you doing?
 Chandler: Oh, you'll see my friend.
 [Time lapse, still Chandler and Monica's, but only Chandler is
   there. Enter Ross]
 Ross: (visibly upset) I'm dead?
 Chandler: (faking sympathy) And so young.
 Ross: Posting that I died? That really isn't funny.
 Chandler: Well, how you died was funny.
 Ross: Oh please, hit by a blimp?
 Chandler: It kills over one americans every year.
 Ross: Unbelievable, my classmates are gonna think I'm dead, my professors,
   my... my parents are gonna get phone calls. You're messing with people's feelings
   here.
 Chandler: You wanna talk about people's feelings? You should have heard
   how hurt professor Stern was yesterday when I told him I wouldn't be able to
   go with him to Key West!
 Ross: You've really crossed the line here, but that's okay, it's ok
   'cause I'm on my way to buy some Photoshop software and a stack of gay porn.
   That's right! Your coming out is about to get real graphic.
 [Scene: Phoebe's apartment]
 Phoebe: God, I wish Mike were here.
 Monica: Okay if Mike were here what would the two of you be doing?
 (Phoebe gives her a meaningful look)
 Monica: What are you, animals? It's 4 o'clock in the afternoon!
 Phoebe: I gotta call him. Just to talk to him, there's no harm in that.
 Monica: Phoebe, that's how it starts. I don't need to eat the cake,
   I'll just smell the icing... why don't I just eat a little sliver, or, okay,
   just a slice or two. And next thing you know, you're 210 pounds and you get
   wedged in going down the tunnel slide. Phoebe, honey, I know this is hard. Look,
   if you talk to him, you're going to wanna see him. And if you see him, you're
   going to want to get back together with him. I know that's not what you want.
   (pause) Give me your phone.


Phoebe: Here.
 Monica: And now your cell.
 Phoebe: Okay (she takes a huge, clearly obsolete cellphone she keeps
   in a closet and gives it to Monica)
 Monica: This is your cellphone?
 Phoebe: Yes.
 Monica: This is your current cellphone?
 Phoebe: Yes, it reminds me of a simpler time.
 Monica: Phoebe, where's your purse?
 (They run for Phoebe's purse, Phoebe gets there first and takes the cell. Monica
   tries to take it away from her)
 Monica: No, no! Give it to me!
 Phoebe: You can't have it.
 Monica: Give it to me!
 Phoebe: No (tucks it in her pants)
 Monica: I'll go in there.
 Phoebe: (disbelievingly) Oh yeah.
 Monica: Phoebe come here
 (they fight a little, the phone falls and Monica picks it up)
 Monica: Haha!
 Phoebe: Damn you Monica Geller hyphen Bing!
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's. Enter Joey]
 Joey: Hey, look who's here! It's Joey, and he brought home a friend.
 Rachel: Joey, Emma's right here! You promised not to bring girls home
   in the middle of the day anymore.
 Joey: No, no, it's not a girl, it's... a brand new Hugsy!
 Rachel: Oh that's so great, now Emma has two Hugsy's.
 Joey: No, no, Emma has one Hugsy, the new Hugsy, huh? The other Hugsy,
   I don't know, I guess I'll just take it back.
 Rachel: Oh you know what? When I was a little girl I had a little pink
   pony named Cotton. Oh I loved her so much, I took her everywhere, I would braid
   her tail...
 Joey: Make the transfer! (She does so)
 Rachel: Should I be concerned that a button fell off the old Hugsy and
   I can't find it?
 Joey: Oh, no don't worry about that, I swallowed that years ago.
 (Emma cries)
 Rachel: Oh, I don't think she likes the new Hugsy.
 Joey: But he's the same.
 Rachel: Yeah, I think she wants the old one back.
 Joey: But he's the same.
 Rachel: Joey, come on!
 Joey: He's the same!
 (they exchange Hugsy's).
 Joey: (to the new Hugsy) You're not the same!
 [Scene: Phoebe's apartment. Enter Monica]
 Monica: Haha!
 Phoebe: You know, it's a lot less surprising to do that after I've buzzed
   you into the building.
 Monica: So Phoebe, why are there men's shoes by the door.
 Phoebe: Those are my shoes.
 Monica: Oh, when you get over this breakup we need to go shopping.
 Phoebe: Monica, I really appreciate you checking in on me, but I'm actually
   feeling a lot better. Yeah, I just kinda want to be alone right now.
 (Someone knocks on the door)
 Monica: Who's that? (goes to open door)
 Phoebe: I ordered Chinese food.
 (Monica opens the door and Mike is standing at the doorway)
 Phoebe: What are the chances? 1 billion Chinese people and they send
   Mike!?
 Monica: (To Mike) What are you doing here?
 Mike: Phoebe called me.
 Monica: Phoebe!
 Phoebe: I'm sorry, I broke down... I wanted to see him.
 Monica: Damnit Phoebe! How did you even call him?
 Phoebe: There is a speakerphone on the base unit...
 Monica: Base Unit! Think Monica! Think!
 Mike: Look, if I wanna see Phoebe and she wants to see...
 Monica: (to Mike) This doesn't concern you!!
 Mike: Oh! Sorry, I guess I was thrown off by the mention of my name!
 Monica: Look, guys, you can't do this, it's just going to make getting
   over each other, that much harder.
 Phoebe: Not if nothing happens. Why can't... why can't we just hang
   out as friends?
 Monica: Sure! If you're just gonna hang out as friends, then maybe I'll
   join ya. You know, I'm your friend (to Phoebe) and Mike's friend (Mike is sceptical).
 Phoebe: Sit down.
 (Phoebe and Mike sit next to each other)
 Monica: Oh wow wow wow!! Make room for your friend! (sits herself down
   between them)
 Mike: (to Phoebe) So how've you been?
 Monica: I've been pretty good!
 Mike: (to Phoebe) You look really beautiful.
 Phoebe: Thanks, you look good too.
 Monica: Oh no no no no... this is dangerous territory. Keep it clean!
 Phoebe: So how's the piano playing going?
 Mike: Actually I've been playing a lot of love songs lately. I've missed
   you.
 Phoebe: I've missed you too.
 (Silence)
 Monica: You know, on the way over here, I saw this drunk guy throw up.
   And then a pigeon ate it!
 [Scene: Ross's Apartment: Ross is doing something on his laptop
   when Chandler walks in]
 Chandler: Hey, Ross, I just wanted to apologize... (looks at laptop
   screen)..don't tell me you actually made those gay pictures of me?