Joey: Thank you. Thank you.
 The Director: Still rolling, annnnd action!
 Joey: I would sooner die in this hellhole then see her back with you!
 Richard: Now, that can be arranged! (He brings his sword back and drops it,
 causing it to fly over the wall.) Slippery little bugger!
 [Scene: The Hotel, Monica's room, Mr. and Mrs. Bing are staring at each other
 while Phoebe looks on.]
 Phoebe: So-so you two were married huh? What happened? You just drift apart?
 (Rachel and Mrs. Geller enter.)
 Mrs. Geller: Here comes the bride.
 (Monica enters wearing her wedding dress.)
 Phoebe: Oh my God Monica!
 Monica: I wanna wear this everyday.
 Rachel: You look so beautiful.
 Monica: (starting to cry) I'm so happy for me.
 (The phone rings and Rachel answers it.)
 Rachel: Hello?
 Joey: (on phone) Hey! Did Chandler show up yet?
 Rachel: Yeah, we got him back. Everything's fine.
 Joey: Damnit!
 Rachel: What? Why? Where are you?
 Joey: I'm still on the set!
 Rachel: Joey! The wedding is in less than an hour!
 Joey: I know! I'm sorry! The guy's drunk, they won't let me go
 until we get this.
 Rachel: Oh my God! I'm gonna have to find another minister.
 Joey: No! No, I'm the minister! Alright, look-look, put  em both on
 the phone, I'll marry them right now.
 Rachel: Ugh! Joey, I have to go.
 Joey: Hey! Don't you hang up on me! I'll marry you and me right now! I
 have the power!
 (She hangs up anyway.)
 [Scene: Chandler's Hotel Room, Ross is getting Chandler ready.]
 Ross: There you go. You put on a tuxedo! Now that wasn't so scary, was it?
 Chandler: No.
 Ross: I'm telling you, just a little bit at a time.
 Chandler: Yeah okay. Well, what's the next little bit?
 Ross: Getting married. (Chandler panics.) Okay. Okay. You can, you can do that
 too! Just like you've done everything else!
 Chandler: Yeah. You're right. Hey I-I can do that.
 Ross: Yeah.
 Chandler: Okay, excuse me for a minute. (Starts to leave)
 Ross: Wh Hey Whoa-whoa, where, where you going?!
 Chandler: Ross, I am not gonna run away again! I just want to get a little fresh
 air.
 Ross: Okay.
 Chandler: Okay.
 (Chandler goes out into the hall and lights up a cigarette.)
 Chandler: Oh fresh air!
 (He hears Phoebe and Rachel coming and hides in the ice machine room.)
 Phoebe: (To Rachel) Wait! Maybe, maybe you're overreacting! You do that
 y'know.
 Rachel: Well Phoebe, we gotta do something! (They turn the corner.) Well,
 y'know. I mean there's no way Joey's gonna make it in time. So I'm
 gonna go through the hotel and see if there's any other weddings going on.
 Phoebe: Okay. Oh but don't tell them Monica's pregnant
 because they
 frown on that.
 Rachel: Okay.
 Phoebe: Okay.
 (They head in separate directions and Chandler emerges and he's so shocked that
 his cigarette is hanging from his lip.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: The Hotel, Rachel is walking through the ballroom area and comes upon the sign
 for the Anastassakis/Papasifakis wedding.]
 Rachel: Anastassakis/Papasifakis wedding, excellent! (It's a good thing
 Jennifer Aniston is Greek, because she had to pronounce those names. Luckily for me, they
 were written on a sign.}(The happy couple emerges.) Congratulations. (To the best man and
 maid of honor) Mazel Tov! (The rabbi emerges.) Hi! Oh, great hat. (He's wearing an
 interesting hat and she takes him over to talk.) Listen umm, I need you to perform another
 wedding. Can you do that?
 The Rabbi: I don't know. Are they Greek Orthodox?
 Rachel: Yeah! Yeah. They're they're-they're my friends, uh,
 Monica Stephanopolus and uh, and Chandler Acidofolus.
 [Scene: Monica's Hotel Room, Chandler and Monica's parents and Phoebe are
 there as Ross enters.]
 Ross: Hi! (To Mrs. Bing) Hi! (Mr. Bing starts rubbing his arm.) Hi. Has umm,
 anyone seen Chandler?
 Mr. Geller: I thought he was with you.
 Ross: He-he was with me umm, we're playing a little game, y'know? Hide
 and seek.
 Mr. Geller: You can't ask us son, that's cheating.
 Ross: (pause) You're right, thanks for keeping me honest dad.
 Mrs. Geller: Well, he better not come by here. He can't see the bride in
 the wedding dress.
 Mrs. Bing: As I recall when we got married, I saw the groom in the wedding
 dress.
 Mr. Bing: But that was after the wedding, it's not bad luck then.
 Mrs. Bing: Honey, it isn't good luck.
 (Monica enters.)
 Ross: Oh my God! Monica!
 Monica: I know! Hey, how's Chandler doin'?
 Ross: Great. He's doing great. Don't you worry about Chandler.
 Monica: Are you okay?
 Ross: Uh-huh.
 Monica: Well, you're-you're sweating.
 Ross: These-these are beads of joy.
 Monica: Oh that's sweet. Don't touch me.
 Ross: Uh Phoebe, can I see you for a second?
 Phoebe: Yeah!
 (They both go out into the hall.)
 Phoebe: What's going on?


Ross: Chandler's gone again!
 Phoebe: Oh my God! Why would you play hide and seek with someone you know is a
 flight risk?!
 (Ross just glares at her.)
 [Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is walking up to the director, pleading with him to let him
 go.]
 Joey: Aaron! You gotta let me go. The guy's hammered!
 The Director: I'm sorry Joey, as long as he's here and he's
 conscious we're still shooting.
 (He walks away and Joey does Ross's fist thing. He then enters Richard's
 dressing room, to find Richard cutting his steak with his sword.)
 Richard: You wouldn't happen to have a very big fork?
 Joey: So I uh, I just talked to the director. That's it, we're done
 for the day.
 Richard: Well have we finished the scene?
 Joey: Yeah! You you were wonderful.
 Richard: As were you.
 Joey: So I got your car, it's right outside.
 Richard: Why? Are we done for the day?
 Joey: That's what you told me.
 Richard: Oh, thank you. You're welcome. (He stands up, staggers to the
 couch, and starts to lie down.)
 Joey: No-no-no! We gotta go! Come on! (Joey picks him up in a fireman's
 carry and carries him out.) Here we go.
 Richard: Is that my ass? (He's looking at Joey's.)
 (And as Joey walks out the door, Richard grabs a bottle of Scotch, just as the door
 closes and carries it with him.)
 [Scene: The Hotel, Phoebe and Ross are looking for Chandler.]
 Ross: (turning a corner) There he is!!
 Chandler: What?
 (Ross runs over and tackles him.)
 Phoebe: Hey! Oh!
 Ross: You're not getting away this time mister! Unless you want that ass
 kicking we talked about!
 Chandler: Ross! (He starts to get up.)
 Ross: Hiiii-Ya!! (Chandler lies back down.) I'm serious! You're not
 walking out on my sister!
 Chandler: (standing up) That's right! I'm not!
 Ross: Then where the hell have you been?!
 Chandler: I know about Monica.
 Phoebe: You know?!
 Ross: What?
 Chandler: Yeah, I heard you and Rachel talking.
 Ross: What?! What?! Talking about what?!
 Chandler: You don't know?
 Ross: Know what If somebody doesn't tell me what's going on right
 now
 Phoebe: What? You'll hi-ya?
 Chandler: Monica's pregnant.
 Ross: Oh my God. Oh my God! And you're-you're you're not
 freaking out?
 Chandler: Well I was! Then I went down to the gift shop because I was out of
 cigarettes
 Phoebe and Ross: Cigarettes?!!
 Chandler: Big picture please! So I was in the gift shop, and that's when I
 uh, saw this. (He holds up a little, tiny baby jumper that reads I (heart) New York.)
 Yeah, y'know what? I thought anything that can fit into this, can't be scary.
 Phoebe: Well you obviously didn't see Chucky 3.
 Chandler: But come on, look at how cute and small this is! So I got it to give
 Monica so she'd know I was okay.
 Ross: Dude. (Hugs him.)
 (Mr. Geller turns the corner.)
 Mr. Geller: Way to go son! I knew you'd find him!
 [Scene: The moment we waited for has finally arrived. It's time for Monica and
 Chandler's wedding. We've got violins playing Every Breath You Take,
 we've got guests seated, and Chandler starts walking down the aisle with his parents
 on either arm.]
 Mr. Bing: Our little boy is getting married.
 Mrs. Bing: Oh look at you! So handsome!
 Chandler: You look beautiful mom. (His dad clears his throat.) You look
 beautiful too dad. I love you both. (He kisses his dad on the cheek) I'm so glad you're
 here. (He kisses his mom.)
 (He walks up onto the altar and notices the rabbi.)
 The Rabbi: Are you Chandler?
 Chandler: Are you Joey?
 (Ross walks down the aisle with Phoebe and Rachel on his arms.)
 Ross: Huh. This is nice.
 Phoebe: What?
 Ross: I've never walked down the aisle knowing it can't end in
 divorce.
 (Finally, Monica with her parents on her arms start down the aisle.)
 Mrs. Geller: Oh I wish your grandmother had lived to see this.
 Monica: She's right there.
 Mrs. Geller: Not that old crow, my mother. (They stop and she kisses Monica on
 the cheek.) Congratulations darling.
 Mr. Geller: I love you sweetheart. (He kisses her and they sit down.)
 (Chandler steps off the altar to greet his bride-to-be.)
 Chandler: You look beautiful. Is this new? (Her dress.)
 Monica: Not now.
 Chandler: Okay.
 (They both step up onto the altar and she notices the rabbi.)
 Monica: (To Chandler) Who is this?
 The Rabbi: I am Father Kalebasous.
 Chandler: (in Monica's ear) He's Greek Orthodox.
 Rachel: (leaning in) As are you
 The Rabbi: Let us begin. Dearly beloved
 Joey: (entering) That's my line! (He walks up the aisle and to the rabbi) I
 can take it from here, thanks. (To all) Dearly beloved, I'm sorry I'm a little
 late. You may be confused by this now, (He's still in costume) but you won't be
 Memorial Day weekend 2002. Well, let's get started before the groom takes off again.
 Huh? (Monica is shocked and looks around.) We are gathered here today, to join this man
 and this woman in the bonds of holy matrimony. I've known Monica and Chandler for a
 long time, and I can not imagine two people more perfect for each other. And now,
 as I've left my notes in my dressing room, we shall proceed to the vows. Monica?
 (She turns to get her vows from Rachel.)


 Friends: The Stuff You've Never Seen
 Friends: The Stuff You've Never Seen
 Hosted by: Conan O'Brien
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 This is a special out-takes episode. The cast and Conan are sitting around the set of
 Central Perk, talking about the stuff we've never seen.
 Transcriber's Note: This is stuff we never saw from all of the seasons, so for all
 of the scene settings I will be using the current arrangements. Even though some of the
 out-takes take place when Chandler was living with Joey and Rachel was living with Monica,
 when Joey and Chandler were living in Monica and Rachel's, and the current
 arrangements.
 [Scene: Central Perk, the cast of Friends along with Conan O'Brien are sitting and
 talking.]
 Conan: It's a tradition here on Friends after every taping for me to
 hang out with you guys, (They all laugh) talk down the episode umm  The point of this
 whole thing is what people see in America is: they see Friends, they love the show,
 it looks like a smooth running machine, but behind the scenes there's deceit,
 mistrust, and hate. And I thought, I thought we'd actually take a look at uh,
 y'know some of these moments where you guys are there are mistakes. You make
 mistakes.
 Jennifer: Once and a while.
 Lisa: From time to time.
 Conan: For example, I don't have to memorize lines. You guys actually have
 to remember what to say and you probably forget from time to time. Yes?
 Matthew: Our energy just comes way up when there's an audience here, and
 when that happens, something happens between your brain and your mouth sometimes and it
 just doesn't, it just doesn't work.
 [Cut to Central Perk, Ross, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are there. I think it's
 The One With The Joke.]
 Ross: Uh, oh-oh, umm no you didn't. I did.
 Chandler: Oh uh-uh, no-no-no-no-uh-uh. (He starts laughing, causing everyone
 else to laugh.)
 [Cut to Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is talking. It looks like when Rachel and Monica
 lived in this apartment.]
 Phoebe: So, we realize that Oh no  (She resets herself) I'm
 telling it! I'm telling it  (She loses it.)
 [Cut to Monica and Chandler's, Joey is talking to Monica and Chandler.]
 Joey: Ha-ha. Look Come on, I don't know what to do or say. (He
 laughs.)
 [Reset]
 Joey: Ha-ha, very funny. I don't know what to do! Y'know? Holy crud!
 [Reset]
 Joey: Ha-ha-ha, very funny. Look, I don't know what to do! (Long pause, as
 everyone cracks up.)
 Courtney: It is one of those days!
 [Cut to Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe is speaking Italian to Joey's grandmother.
 I'm spelling phonetically.]
 Phoebe:  Xcusa seniora, voulez-bere quakay [Beep] uck it!
 Matt: Wow Pheebs, you-you speak gutter?
 [Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
 Conan: You still get nervous everybody just before a show?
 Matthew: Absolutely.
 Lisa: Everybody.
 Courtney: It's amazing, like all week long we've-we've been saying
 the same lines and then the audience is here and we will mess up, and if you mess up
 once
 then you'll get nervous because you'll you know you'll probably mess
 up again.
 [Cut to Central Perk, first season Monica is talking.]
 The Director: Action!
 Monica: (holding her hand in front of her face) When you were little you slept
 through-through the Grand Canyon.
 The Director: Watch again that hand.
 Courtney: This'll be five/ten takes.
 The Director: Okay.
 Courtney: Okay. You know it's gonna happen.
 The Director: Once again, and action!
 Monica: (the hand's still there) When-when you were little you slept
 through the Grand Canyon. (She actually itches her nose this time.)
 Courtney: Oh! Okay! I'm gonna try it without the coffee cup  cause I
 think it's the left hand that's messing me up.
 [Reset]
 Monica: When you were little you slept through the Grand (Pointing
 again) Oh fffff .
 [Cut to Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Phoebe are talking.]
 Monica: Sorry, let's go back!  Cause you've got more to say.
 Lisa: Do I? Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah, that's your fault. I say.
 (They both laugh.)
 Lisa: I love you.
 Courtney: I love you! (They hug.)
 [Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
 Conan: But there must be, there must are a lot of moments over the years
 where you're just trying to do your job, something goes wrong.
 [Cut to Joey and Rachel's, Joey is giving Chandler the bracelet from season 2.]
 Joey: Hey and, this is a little extra something for y'know, always being
 there for me.
 (Suddenly there's a noise off stage and the camera on Joey swings around.)
 Matthew: Hey Joey! The camera hit our wall!
 Matt: What?!
 [Cut to Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Joey are living here and Ross is writing on
 the Magna-Doodle when Rachel opens the door causing the door knob to hit his hand.]
 David: Ahh! Sh (Beep) it that hurt!
 Jennifer: Are you okay?
 [Reset]
 [When he hears Jennifer try to open the door he jumps back, and Jennifer is unable to
 open the door this time.]
 [Cut the hallway, Rachel is exiting from Monica's when the door closes on her
 skirt.]


Chandler: Hey Rach! (She breaks up and goes back into Monica's.)
 [Cut to Joey and Rachel's, with the giant entertainment center. Joey is exiting from his
 room.]
 Joey: Oh yeah? Then how come I keep (He notices that the marker board they
 use has been left on the entertainment center and holds up his discovery.)
 [Cut to Monica and Chandler's, first season, Monica is making a giant sub-sandwich and
 is talking to Rachel. I think it's The One With the Fake Monica.]
 Monica: It was so wild! We told  em we were the Gundersons in
 16
 (Jennifer starts laughing.)
 Courtney: (laughing) I spit on her!
 [Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
 Jennifer: (to Lisa) Operation. You had a fun one.
 Lisa: Oh yeah!
 Jennifer: With Operation.
 Conan: It was a little game. Yeah, with an electric buzzer.
 [Cut to Monica and Chandler's, The One With George Stephanopoulos, Phoebe is showing
 Monica and Rachel that she brought Operation to their slumber party.]
 Phoebe: Oh-ooh, and I brought Operation, but umm I lost the umm  (It
 starts buzzing) It's making a noise.
 [Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
 Lisa: But le Blanc really doesn't mess up much.
 Conan: You don't verbally mess up, but sometimes physically? You mess up.
 Matt: I have had some clumsy moments, I guess you can call  em.
 [Cut to Central Perk, to the theme from The Dick Van Dyke show Joey runs into
 Central Perk carrying a stack of Soap Opera Digests and falls on the step. He does
 bounce right back up making it all that much funnier.]
 [Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
 Lisa: He fell down once! And we re-did it and we went back. And
 he (laughs) he was afraid he was gonna fall down
 Conan: You could actually see him trying not to fall down.
 [Cut to Central Perk, same as before Joey is entering.]
 Joey: Pheebs! (He looks down as he goes down the step to make sure he
 didn't fall again.) Check it out! (He starts laughing when he realized what he did.)
 [Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
 Courtney: This particular time when he continued to fall or y'know, try not
 to fall, I was in the room with Matthew and Matthew was like, 'Should I do it?'
 [Reset from before, Matt doesn't fall or look down.]
 Joey: Pheebs! Check it out! Check it out! Check it out! Check it out! (Hands her
 one.)
 Phoebe: Ooh, Soap Opera Digest!
 (As she's saying that Joey is trying to pull out a chair and sit down, only Matthew comes
 running in from off camera and dives for the same chair.)
 [Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
 Conan: Matthew, you have a reputation with the rest of the cast that sometimes
 you like to, you like to fool around a bit. I mean like if something's naturally
 going wrong you like to get in there and juice it a little bit. True or false?
 Matthew: I don't necessarily like to juice things
 Courtney: He said true or false!
 [Cut to Monica's restaurant kitchen, it's the episode where Joey is working
 as a waiter at Monica's restaurant. Joey is patting her breast from when she set it
 on fire.]
 Joey: Oh! Ooh-ooh!
 Monica: What are you doing?!
 Joey: You're still a tiny bit on fire there.
 Monica: Oh geez! Okay! Thanks!
 (Matthew runs in and starts patting the other breast, then walks away. Matt slowly
 stops patting her breast.)
 [Cut to that same kitchen, only this is The One With The Proposal, Richard is telling
 Monica something.]
 Richard: It was great seeing you the other night.
 Monica: Well, it was good to see you too. Did you come down here to tell me
 that?
 Richard: Noo! I came down here to tell you something else. I came here
 to tell you I still love you.
 (Suddenly the door flies open and in walks Chandler!!)
 Chandler: What the fu (beep) ck are you doing?!
 [Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
 Conan: Now you guys work with animals a lot. You had to work early on with a
 monkey
 Jennifer: That damn monkey.
 Conan: That damn monkey.
 [Cut to Monica and Chandler's, The One Where The Monkey Gets Away, Rachel is watching a
 soap opera with Marcel.]
 Rachel: Okay. Okay, see now the one with the feather boa? That's Dr.
 Francis. She used to be a man. Oh look! There (Marcel (Katie) jumps away) Okay.
 (And runs behind her on the back of the couch for a little while.)
 Jennifer: Katie. Geez! See Katie, come here Katie! (Katie spills some
 popcorn.) Katie, come here Katie. (She obeys and sits where she's supposed to.) Very
 good.
 [Reset, they're about to start the scene when Katie suddenly jumps up startling
 Jennifer.]
 [Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
 Jennifer: Lisa's laugh though There's It's so
 infectious. It's one of those things just forget about it. Once it starts,
 it's all gone.
 [Cut to Joey and Rachel's, it's actually Joey and Rachel's. Phoebe is trying
 to convince Rachel to switch with her and live with Monica as Joey looks on.]


Rachel: No y'know, I don't want to switch! Come on! I can throw wet
 paper towels here!
 Phoebe: Well at Monica's you can eat (Suddenly cracks up.)
 Lisa: Okay, shh yeah.  Cause it's not silly.
 The Director: Here we go.
 Jennifer: Okay.
 The Director: And action!
 Rachel: No-no Ph-Ph-Ph-Ph  (She starts laughing.)
 [Reset]
 Jennifer: (to Lisa) Ready?
 Lisa: Yeah.
 (They all start laughing.)
 [Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
 Conan: And then it just builds on itself and there's no doing the scene
 after. I mean you probably wait and really get it together and do it.
 David: For me, I have a hard time with le Blanc in particular. When-when I
 mean when
 Conan: (to Matt) You bastard.
 Matt: Yeah, what did I do?
 David:  I keep a straight face he-he delivers like this look, a reaction to
 you, or a certain take, I-I I mean I find it so funny.
 [Cut to Monica and Chandler's, Ross is eating breakfast with Joey and Monica. Joey is
 walking towards Ross.]
 Joey: Mornin'
 Ross: Mornin'
 (Joey hugs Ross's neck and has a look of complete contentment on his face which,
 after a short while, causes David and Matt to start laughing.)
 [Cut to Monica and Chandler's, Monica is throwing a party. Joey is talking to Ross
 about the bad audition he just had while pouring booze onto a snow cone.]
 Joey: I mean what kind of an actor, what kind of an actor can't even say,
 'Hmm, noodle soup?'
 (David smiles.)
 Matt: That's a good one? (They both laugh.)
 David: Now, we should go back and take the other line.
 Matt: Okay, I'll just put a little more booze on there. (Pours some more
 on.)
 Ross: I think, subconsciously
 Joey: (cracking up) Nope, you lost me.
 [Reset, Joey is about to pour more booze on.]
 David: No! Come on!
 [Cut to Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are giving Phoebe and Rachel the bride's
 maid test.]
 Joey: Okay, the next situation is for Rachel. The wedding is about to start, you
 walk into the back room and you find Monica taking a nap with Ross. (Ross lies on the
 floor.) I'll be Monica. Go! (He jumps down and cuddles up with Ross.)
 Ross: (jumping up) No! No! No!
 (David and Matt just lose it then.)
 [Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
 Conan: We'll be right back with more Friends, less me.
 [Cut to Monica and Chandler's, Courtney and Matthew are getting ready to do a scene
 where Monica's sick.]
 Courtney: I'm doing my brother.
 Matthew: That's gross.
 Commercial Break
 [Conan and the cast in Central Perk.]
 Conan: You uh, you've worked with They always say a performer should
 never work with pets or children.
 Jennifer: Aww, the kids.
 [Cut to Carol and Susan's apartment, from next week's episode Rachel is
 talking to Ben.]
 The Director: Action.
 Rachel: Okay. Now What is my first line?
 Ben: (prompting her) What did we agree?
 Jennifer: Okay
 [Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
 David: The good thing about the young kids though, they're completely
 unpredictable. Which is a lot of fun as an actor to respond with. But there was one
 story
 Jennifer: Oh little Ben.
 David: Where the story was that I was anticipating that I would be around to
 hear my son's first words spoken. But the scene was about that he wasn't
 supposed to be able to speak and, uh for some reason when we started doing the show
 [Cut to Central Perk, Ross is taking Ben to visit Rachel who's working there.]
 Ross: Hi! We're visiting!
 Rachel: Yay!
 Ross: It's Ben and his Da-Da. Da-Da? Can you say Da-Da? Y'know, you
 might as well say it because I told your
 Ben: Da Da.
 [Reset]
 Ross: Can you say Da-Da? See, I'm gonna tell your mommies you said it
 anyway, so you might as well try
 Ben: Da Da.
 Ross: Huh?
 Ben: Da Da.
 David: Yeah, he's saying Da-Da.
 [Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
 Matt: And then sometimes during the show y'know but you're like, the
 scene's going one way but you're just tempted to say something another time.
 Like, do you remember that one where Monica's baking cookies in our old apartment?
 Jennifer: She's trying to intrigue us to hang out with her.
 Matt: Yeah, she's trying to waft the smell across the hall to get us to
 come hang out in her new place, and we're sitting there eating pizza and I think it
 was you (Points to Lisa) that said
 [Cut to Monica and Chandler's, the scene described above.]
 Phoebe: What do I smell?
 [Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
 Matt: I think I was supposed to say, 'I don't know,' and go over
 and open the door. And I went
 [Cut to Monica and Chandler's, same scene.]
 Phoebe: What do I smell?


Joey: (Pause) Sorry. (Raises his hand in shame.)
 [Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
 Matt: (everyone laughs) And then it was like four takes later before we could
 get through it with a straight face.
 [Cut to Monica and Chandler's, same scene.]
 Phoebe: What do I smell?
 (Pause.)
 David: Le Blanc.
 [Reset]
 Phoebe: What do I smell?
 Joey: I don't know, but it smells good. (He gets up and heads for the door
 only to stop short and start laughing.)
 [Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
 Conan: But audiences You have a live studio audience and they must love
 that. They must love it when they see you guys playing.
 [Cut to Joey and Rachel's, Ross is living with Chandler and Joey. Joey and Ross have
 built a fort out of boxes, Chandler enters and they stand up slowly.]
 Chandler: What are you guys doing?
 (Ross and Joey both reach down and pull up their pants.)
 Ross: Nothing.
 Joey: Nothin'.
 [Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
 Conan: So that you will intentionally do something
 that they'll-they'll intentionally screw it up?
 Courtney: Yeah!
 David: Yeah!
 [Cut to Monica and Ross leaving Joey and Chandler's hotel room in London. As they
 exit Joey and Chandler enter from the bathroom with both of their pants down around their
 ankles.]
 Matt: (noticing the laughter) Why? What's the matter?
 (They both bounce back into the bathroom.)
 [Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
 Conan: (to Courtney) You-you've worn a fat suit on the show. And, a lot of
 people love you in the fat suit. Do you like wearing the fat suit? Is it fun?
 [Cut to Central Perk, Fat Monica and Rachel are on the couch.]
 Courtney: I'm melting!
 [Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
 Courtney: They made me dance, in the fat suit.
 [Cut to Monica and Chandler's, Courtney is dancing in the fat suit and after shaking
 her groove thing sits down in exhaustion.]
 [Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
 Conan: I-I heard some of you guys talking about this earlier, but sometimes
 there's just a word that someone has to say that you'll get hung up on. And
 it'll just the way you say the word is funny to everybody else.
 [Cut to Monica and Chandler's, is the one where Rachel screwed up the desert and Ross
 and Joey are trying to enjoy it.]
 Ross: That tastes like feet!
 (David puts his napkin up to his mouth and starts laughing at his own line. Matt
 notices him after a while and starts laughing as well.)
 Matt: It tastes like (mimicking him in a high-pitched voice) feet!
 David: Okay, we're good.
 The Director: Action!
 Ross: That tastes like feet!
 (Matt starts laughing.)
 [Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
 Matt: Sometimes the dialogue itself is just so funny and
 you'll we'll be rehearsing during the week and you
 just whatever-whatever the joke is; it's so funny we can't get through it
 in rehearsal and just
 Jennifer: You just know.
 Matt: You-you mentally make a flag on it and you say, 'Okay show night,
 I'm just I'll never be able to get through this.'
 [Cut to Monica and Chandler's, Sick Monica is trying to entice Chandler to have sex
 with her.]
 Monica: Are you saying that you don't want to get with this?
 Chandler: You see, I don't say (Starts laughing.)
 [Cut to Monica and Chandler's, it's the one with the fake chocolate. Monica has
 baked some cookies and Phoebe is trying them.]
 Phoebe: (spitting the cookie out onto a napkin) Oh, sweet
 Je (Beep) sus! Oh! Monica, these are the (laughing) cookies they serve in hell!
 [Cut to Monica and Chandler's, the gang is watching Joey's debut on Days.]
 Chandler: (noticing the woman on the screen) Whoa! She's purty!
 Joey: Oh yeah, and she's really nice too! She taught me about y'know,
 how to work with the cameras and smell-the-fart acting.
 Monica: Joey?
 Rachel: I'm sorry
 Ross: Excuse me, what?
 (Matt turns back and looks at them, but instead of his next line he starts laughing.)
 [Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
 Conan: When you have to do physical business for a scene, I mean there must be;
 there must be a lot of funny moments when you have to physically do a task as part of a
 scene.
 David: Yeah, Rachel, Chandler, and Ross had to try to get a couch up a
 stair a very narrow New York stairwell and that was probably I-I think it was
 the hardest I've-I've laughed in my life period.
 [Cut to the scene described above.]
 Ross: Pivot! (They pivot) Pivot! (They pivot) Okay, pivot! Piv-at! (He starts
 laughing.)
 [Reset]
 Ross: Pivot! Piv-at! Piv-at!!
 Chandler: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!!
 (David is laughing.)
 David: Pivat!! (In a high pitched voice) Pivat!!!
 Commercial Break
 [Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
 Conan: You've done over 150 episodes, but your favorite moments that 80
 years from now you'll be thinking about?
 Matthew: It is when we're able to crack each other up.
 [Cut to Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is cleaning the apartment for Monica and is
 frustrated with things not lining up.]


 The One After 'I Do'
 The One After 'I Do'
 Written by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: The Wedding Hall, Monica and Chandler have just said 'I do,' and the
 photographer is taking the required pictures. First of Monica, Chandler, Ross and Joey.]
 Photographer: Great. (Takes a picture.) Great! Just give me a sec to change
 film.
 Monica: Okay.
 Ross: (To Monica) Okay, I know I'm not supposed to know, but I do. And
 I'm so excited for you!
 Joey: What? What's going on?
 Ross: Monica's pregnant!
 Joey: Oh my God! Is that why you guys had to get married?!
 Monica: Guys! I'm not pregnant.
 Joey: Ah. (To Chandler) Slow swimmers? (Chandler looks at him.)
 Ross: What?! What do you mean? You-you-you're not pregnant?
 Monica: You didn't tell anybody I was did you?!
 Ross: No! (Pause) I'll be right back. (Exits.)
 Photographer: Now why don't we get a shot of just Monica and the bloody
 soldier.
 Monica: (To Joey) Oh, about that. Joey, you have to change before the party.
 Joey: I can't! I-I don't have any other clothes here.
 Monica: Find some! Please! Anything that doesn't say I-I died tragically in
 France. (Joey leaves to find clothes.)
 Photographer: Well then why don't we see the bride and the groom and the
 bridemaids.
 Phoebe: Okay. (Phoebe and Rachel join Monica and Chandler on the altar.) Hey
 Mon, why did you tell the guys you weren't pregnant?
 Monica: Because I'm not.
 Phoebe: We found your test in the trash, if you're not pregnant (She
 sees Rachel shaking her head) It's because I am.
 (Flash, the photographer takes a picture of Monica and Chandler's stunned faces.)
 Chandler: What?! What are you talking about?
 Monica: What are you talking about?
 Phoebe: Yes, I I am with child. (Flash) And I didn't want to say
 anything because it's your day; I didn't want to steal your thunder.
 Monica: Wait a minute! So you told people I was pregnant?! (Flash) Does this
 look like a conversation that I want to remember?!
 Chandler: Who's the father?
 Monica: Yeah!
 Phoebe: I can't say.
 Monica: Why?!
 Chandler: Why not?
 Phoebe: I can't say because he's famous.
 Rachel: Oh my God, who is it?! (Phoebe rolls her eyes.)
 Monica: Phoebe, come on, you have to tell us.
 Phoebe: Okay, okay. It's James Brolin. James Brolin is the father of my
 baby.
 Chandler: As in Barbara Streisand's husband James Brolin?
 Phoebe: What?! Well he never said that to me!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: The Wedding Hall, continued from earlier.]
 Photographer: Why don't we have Monica step away and we'll get
 Chandler and the bridemaids.
 Phoebe: How about just the bridemaids?
 Chandler: Y'know I am the groom right? I was told it was kinda big deal.
 Phoebe: It is.
 Rachel: For you. (Chandler leaves.)
 Phoebe: Oh my God!
 Rachel: Oh, thank you for doing that. I just can't deal with this just
 quite yet.
 Phoebe: So instead you told me Monica was pregnant.
 Rachel: You said that she was, I just didn't disagree with you.
 Phoebe: Sneaky.
 Rachel: Oh yeah.
 Photographer: Smile ladies.
 Rachel: Oh! (They smile and the picture is taken.) Oh by the way?
 Phoebe: Uh-hmm.
 Rachel: James Brolin?
 Phoebe: Oh, I know. I could only think of two names, him and Ed Begley Jr. and
 then I remembered he's gay.
 Rachel: Ed Begley Jr. is not gay.
 Phoebe: (intrigued) Really?!
 [Scene: The Reception Hall, the party is in full swing.]
 Bandleader: Thank you very much! Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great
 pleasure to introduce to you for the very first time, Mr. and Mrs. Chandler Bing!
 (They enter.)
 Chandler: Before we go out there I've got a present for ya.
 Monica: Honey, I'm going to put my hand in your pocket!
 Chandler: No?
 Monica: No.
 Chandler: I've been taking dancing lessons.
 Monica: What?!
 Chandler: Yeah, the last six weeks. I wanted this to be a moment you will never
 forget.
 Monica: Oh that is so sweet!
 Chandler: So? Would you care to join me in our first dance as husband and wife?
 Monica: Yes.
 (They walk onto the dance floor and Chandler slips and almost falls.)
 Monica: What's the matter?
 Chandler: I don't know, it's these new shoes, they're all
 slippery.
 Monica: Well, are you going to be able to do this?
 Chandler: Not well.
 (They start dancing and Chandler starts slipping around.)
 Monica: Well, the good news is, I don't think anyone's looking at us.
 [Cut to Phoebe and Rachel at their table.]
 Phoebe: So, are you ready to talk about it?
 Rachel: No.
 (Pause)
 Phoebe: Now?
 Rachel: No!
 Phoebe: Okay, we'll talk about something else then.
 Rachel: Thank you.
 Phoebe: Who's the father?!
 Rachel: Ugh! Look honey y'know what? I haven't told him yet, so until
 I do I don't think I should tell anybody else.


Phoebe: Yeah. That's fine. That's fair. Is it Tag?
 Rachel: Phoebe!!
 Phoebe: Okay, I'm sorry. I'll stop.
 Rachel: Okay.
 Phoebe: Is it Ross? It's Ross isn't it Oh my God, it's Joey!
 Rachel: Honey, stop it! I am not going to tell you until I tell him.
 Phoebe: Ah-hah! At least we know it's a him.
 [Cut to Joey entering wearing a preppy tennis outfit.]
 Monica: (seeing him) Oh sweet Lord.
 Joey: I'm sorry! Okay? I went down to the gift shop and it's either
 this or a bathrobe! Look, what's more important, the way I'm dressed or me being
 with you on your special day?
 Monica: Honey, I'm not even going to pretend I was listening. (Sees someone
 else.) Hey! Hey! (Goes over to that person.)
 [Cut to the hallway outside the room, Ross is going to see which table he's at and
 sees a beautiful woman doing the same thing.]
 Ross: Hi. I'm uh, I'm Ross. I don't, I don't believe
 we've met. I'm Monica's older brother.
 Woman: Oh hi, I'm, I'm Mona from her restaurant.
 Ross: Oh! Hello uh, Mona from her restaurant. (He uses his card to mouth those
 words.) (Pause) Mona, wow what a, what a beautiful name.
 Mona: You think so? I've always kinda hated it.
 Ross: Aw come on, Mona Lisa?
 Mona: Uh-huh.
 Ross: Mona umm Clickclocken. The famous botanist? Huh? Oh no she's
 uh well she's dead now. No, supposedly she was once quite the hottie of the
 plant world.
 Mona: Really?! Well see? I never knew about her.
 Ross: Linda Clickclocken. (Pause) So what uh, what-what table are you at? (She
 shows him.) Oh, uh me too.
 Mona: Oh good. Now there'll be someone there who likes my name.
 Ross: (sexily) Yes there will. (Mona leaves and Ross tries to find the same
 table.) Oh guess what, Molly Gilbert you've just been bumped up to table one. And if
 it's all right with you I'm gonna take your place at table six Martin
 Clickclocken.
 [Cut back inside to Joey giving a beautiful woman a tennis lesson by standing behind
 her.]
 Joey: That's better, now just bend your arms a little more. There you go.
 Okay, look straight ahead. Now this time I want you to really put your ass into it. (They
 do a practice swing and she really puts her ass into it.)
 [Cut to Chandler sitting down near Joey as his mom walks over. His birth mother, not
 the mother who recently visited one of those clinics in Sweden.]
 Mrs. Bing: Chandler darling! Look, my date has finally arrived. I'd like
 you to meet Dennis Phillips.
 Dennis Phillips: Congratulations.
 Chandler: Thank you.
 Mrs. Bing: Dennis is a dear old friend and a fantastic lover.
 Chandler: Bravo Dennis thanks for pleasing my mother so.
 Dennis Phillips: Oh, I'm so sorry I missed the ceremony, I was stuck at
 auditions.
 Mrs. Bing: Oh yes, Dennis is directing a new Broadway show.
 Joey: I don't believe we've met, Joey Tribbiani.
 Dennis Phillips: Dennis Phillips
 Joey: Wow, I've admired your work for years. You-you've done some
 really amazing stuff.
 Dennis Phillips: Oh, thank you. Well if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go
 get myself a drink. Be back in a moment. (Walks away.)
 Joey: Wow Dennis Phillips! That's great! How did you guys meet?
 Mrs. Bing: Well, it's a funny story.
 Chandler: Funny: ha-ha or funny: (Mimes blowing his brain out.)
 [Time lapse. The band is finishing another song.]
 Bandleader: Thank you, thank you very much. If everyone will please take your
 seats, dinner will be served.
 (Ross starts looking for table six and finds out that it's the kid's table.
 He sees Mona sitting at another table.)
 Ross: Hey! Uh, I thought, I thought you were at table six.
 Mona: No, nine. (Shows him the card again.)
 Ross: Oh see, before you uh, when you showed it to me you-you held it that way
 (he turns her hand upside down) which uh, which was misleading. Well I'm  (He
 goes at sits down at his new table and the kids stare at him.) Hello.
 [Cut to the hallway, Chandler is putting tape on the bottom of his shoes.]
 Joey: Chandler. Will you see if your mom can give my resume to Dennis Phillips?
  Cause if I can get in a Broadway show then I would've done it all, film,
 television, and theater. The only think left would be radio, and that's just for ugly
 people.
 Chandler: What size shoes do you wear?
 Joey: Uh, eleven, eleven and a half.
 Chandler: Great, because my shoes are giving me a little problem on the dance
 floor, can I borrow the boots from your costume?
 Joey: Uh, I don't even really know where I left those. Sorry.
 Chandler: (looking at Joey's feet) Those aren't eleven and a half.
 Joey: Okay fine! I'm a seven! All right, I have surprisingly small feet.
 But the rest of me is good, I'll show ya!
 [Cut to Monica and Rachel at their table.]


Monica: Can you believe Phoebe got pregnant?!
 Rachel: Oh y'know what honey? Let's not talk about that right now?
 Monica: This is so huge.
 Rachel: Sure, but come on, as big as your wedding?
 Monica: Of course not nothing is. Between me and you
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Monica:  in this day and age how dumb do you have to be to get pregnant?
 Rachel: Hey! Y'know, sometimes you can do everything right, everyone can
 wear everything they're supposed to wear, and one of those little guys just gets
 through!
 Monica: How?
 Rachel: I don't know! Maybe they have tools.
 Monica: Well I-I talked to and uh, she's definitely going to have this
 baby. Y'know, she said she was gonna raise it on her own.
 Rachel: Well, maybe that's, maybe that's really brave.
 Monica: Maybe. I just hope she realizes how hard it's gonna be.
 Rachel: Maybe she hasn't really thought it through that well.
 Monica: Well, there's a lot to think about. I mean, how is she, how is she
 going to handle this financially? How is she going to juggle work? Does she realize
 she's not going to have a date again for the next eighteen years?
 Rachel: (starting to cry) I don't know.
 Monica: Are you okay?
 Rachel: Uh-hmm. I'm just thinking about Phoebe; poor knocked up Phoebe.
 Waiter: Champagne?
 Rachel: Oh yes! Thank you very much! (She grabs a glass, takes a sip, and
 realizes what she just did. She then tries to spit the champagne back into the glass
 without Monica noticing. It doesn't work.) Oh that's-that's actually how
 the French drink it.
 (Monica gasps.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: continued from earlier, only now Phoebe joins them.]
 Phoebe: Well, I just got off the phone with my lover, James Brolin
 Monica: Oh really?!
 Phoebe: Yes, and apparently he is married to some singer, but he said he would
 leave her for me. And I said, 'James, James Brolin, are you sure?' James Brolin
 said
 Monica: (interrupting) Rachel's really the one who's pregnant.
 Phoebe: (shocked) What?! (deadpan) Why bother?
 Monica: How do you feel?
 Rachel: I don't know. I don't know how I feel. This is all happening
 so fast. I have to make all these decisions that I don't want to make. (Takes another
 sip of champagne and spits it back out) Somebody just take this away from me!!
 Phoebe: Calm down. Maybe you're not pregnant.
 Rachel: What?!
 Phoebe: When I got pregnant with the triplets, I took that test like three times
 just to make sure.
 Monica: Yes! Maybe it's a false positive. Are you sure you peed on the
 stick right?
 Rachel: How many ways are there to do that?
 Phoebe: I'm-I'm just saying, don't freak out until you're a
 hundred percent sure.
 Rachel: All right, I'll-I'll take it again when I get home.
 Monica: You-you gotta take it now. Come on, do it as a present to me.
 Rachel: Okay. Thank you.
 Monica: Okay.
 Phoebe: I'll run out and get you one.
 Rachel: Oh, you guys are so great.
 Monica: Oh, wait a minute! Who's is the father?!
 Phoebe: Oh no, she won't tell us.
 Monica: Oh, come on it's my wedding! That can be my present.
 Rachel: Wh Hey, I just gave you peeing on a stick.
 Phoebe: See? This is why you register.
 [Cut to Ross at the kiddie table. He reaches for something and a fart noise emanates
 which causes the kids to laugh.]
 Ross: It was the chair again! Okay? I'm not doing it! It what look, I
 don't y'know what eh-eh  (He walks away and goes over to Mona.)
 Hi.
 Mona: Hi!
 Ross: Umm, would you like to dance?
 Mona: Sure.
 Ross: Yeah?
 Mona: Yeah.
 Ross: Oh great! (They get up to dance and Ross is interrupted by a little girl.)
 Little Girl: Dr. Geller?
 Ross: I wasn't farting! (To Mona) Uh, a little game from our table. (To the
 little girl) Yes?
 Little Girl: Dr. Geller, will you dance with me?
 Ross: Oh umm, well uh, maybe-maybe later. Right now, I'm about to dance
 with this lady.
 Little Girl: Okay. (She drops her head in disappointment and walks away.)
 Mona: Ohhhh!
 Ross: Uh, unless! Unless, uh this lady wouldn't mind letting you go first.
 Mona: I'd be happy to. (To Ross) You are very sweet.
 Ross: Yes I-I am. In fact umm hey, why don't we try it my special way? You
 can dance on my feet.
 Little Girl: Sure!
 Ross: Yeah? Hop on. (They start dancing and Mona sits down.) Is the pretty lady
 looking?
 Little Girl: Uh-huh.
 Ross: Keep dancing.
 [Cut to Chandler in the hallway practicing dancing and is doing it very well.]
 Chandler: And the world will never know.
 Joey: Hey! Did you talk to Dennis about me yet?
 Chandler: Yes, I told him how talented you were. I told him all about Days Of
 Our Lives.


Joey: No-no! No! No! You don't tell a Broadway guy that! Now he just thinks
 I'm a soap actor.
 Chandler: But you're not just a soap actor. You are a soap actor
 with freakishly tiny feet.
 Joey: Hey!
 [Joey walks back inside just as Ross's dance is finishing.]
 Little Girl: Thank you.
 Ross: No-no, thank you Miranda.
 Little Girl: Melinda!
 Ross: All right. (Walks over to Mona.)
 Mona: How cute was that?
 Ross: Oh-oh, were you, were you watching?
 (Another little girl walks over to him.)
 Second Girl: Can I go next?
 Ross: What? Of course you can! Hop on!
 Mona: Okay, but I get to hop on after her. (Ross bites the air in response.)
 Ross: I am so gonna score.
 Second Girl: What?
 Ross: I like your bow.
 [Behind them, Joey goes up to the bandleader and interrupts the song.]
 Joey: (clinks his glass) I'd like to propose a toast. To Monica and
 Chandler, the greatest couple in the world. And my best friends. Now, my when I first
 found out they were getting married I was, I was a little angry. I was like, (overly
 angry) 'Why God? Why? How can you take them away from me?!' But then I thought
 back over all our memories together, some happy memories. (Does a fake laugh.) And-and
 there was some sad memories. (Starts to break down and cry.) I'm sorry. And-and some
 scared memories Whoa! (He jumps back, startled.) Eh? And then, and then I realized
 I'll always be their friend, their friend who can speak in many dialects and has
 training in stage combat and is willing to do partial nudity. (Starts to walk away, but
 realizes something.) Oh! To the happy couple!
 [Time Lapse, the interrupted song is finishing.]
 Bandleader: Thank you.
 Ross: (to the second girl) That was very nice Ashley.
 Ashley: Can we do it again?
 Ross: No-no. (Walks over to Mona again.)
 Mona: So, is it my turn now?
 (A large little fat girl walks over.)
 Fat Girl: I'm next!
 Ross: Oh! (Recoils in horror.)
 Mona: Uh, that's okay. You can dance with her first.
 Ross: Oh, you-you sure? (She nods yes.) Okay. (To the girl) Okay. So what's
 uh, what's your name.
 Fat Girl: Gert!
 Ross: That's, that's pretty. (They start to dance and Gert tries to
 step on Ross's feet, but he pulls them out of harm's way.) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
 What are you doing there Gert?
 Gert: Dancing on your feet! Like the other girls did it.
 Ross: Okay. (Swallows hard.) Hop on Gert. (She does and Ross winces in pain.)
 Gert: Why aren't you moving your feet?
 Ross: I'm trying. (He strains to move his feet.)
 Gert: Faster! You're not going fast enough!
 Ross: Maybe I should stand on your feet! (Gert's shocked and Ross realizes
 what he said and tries to brush it off.)
 [Cut to Joey going over to talk to Dennis Phillips.]
 Joey: So did you uh, happen to catch my toast up there?
 Dennis Phillips: Oh my God, that was for my benefit?
 Joey: Well, I'd like to think there was something for everyone. Look, I
 know you're casting for this new show
 Dennis Phillips: Look umm Joey, I-I don't think you're quite right for
 this project.
 Joey: Oh, see that's where you're wrong. Whatever it is I can do it.
 And if didn't see it up there, just-just try me.
 Dennis Phillips: It's an all Chinese cast. Can you be Chinese?
 Joey: Well I'm not proud of this, but  (He turns around and starts to
 mess with his eyelids.)
 Dennis Phillips: Oh my God! No-no-no! Please! Please!
 Don't-don't-don't!
 [Cut to Monica walking up to Chandler.]
 Monica: Hey, are you ready to get back on the dance floor?
 Chandler: Did it turn into sand?
 Monica: Ohh come on, I love this song! Come on, you'll be fine. (She starts
 to walk towards the floor.)
 Chandler: (sliding up behind her) No. No, I won't. Do you know why I took
 all those lessons? See, for the first time I didn't want you to be embarrassed to be
 seen on the dance floor with some clumsy idiot.
 Monica: Oh sweetie, you can never embarrass me. (Chandler grunts.) Okay, you can
 easily embarrass me. But come on, it doesn't matter. All right? I married you! So I
 want to dance on my wedding night with my husband. Come on. (They go onto the floor.) Just
 try not to move your feet at all. (Chandler starts to get into the groove and bust a
 move.) There you go.
 (Mr. Geller dances over.)
 Mr. Geller: Chandler, I'm gonna have you arrested.
 Chandler: Why?
 Mr. Geller: You stole my moves. (He starts to dance like Chandler was and
 Chandler stops.)
 [Scene: The Women's Restroom, Rachel and Phoebe are waiting for the outcome of
 Rachel's second test.]
 Rachel: How much longer?
 Phoebe: 30 seconds.


 The One With The Red Sweater
 The One With The Red Sweater
 Written by: Dana Klein Borkow
 Directed by: David Schwimmer
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: The Hotel Lobby, Rachel and Phoebe are at the front desk checking out.]
 Rachel: Listen y'know what sir? For the last time, I don't care what
 the computer says, we did not take a bag of Mashuga nuts from the mini-bar and we did not
 watch Dr. Do-Me-A-Little!
 Joey: (entering) Hey!
 Phoebe: Oh! Joey uh, were you in our room last night?
 Joey: No. (Phoebe grabs the receipt and shows it to Joey who gets mad.) I was
 told the name of the movie would not appear on the bill!
 (Chandler and Monica enter.)
 Chandler: (to the front desk clerk) Hi! We're checking out of the bridal
 suite.
 Monica: (depressed) That's right. I'm no longer a bride. I'll
 never be a bride again. Now, I'm just someone's wife!
 Chandler: And I'm the happiest guy in the world! (Monica goes and sits down
 in a huff.) Oh honey, come on don't be upset. We still have so much to look forward
 to!
 Monica: Oh yeah, right. (Rolls her eyes.)
 Chandler: We got the honeymoon.
 Monica: That's not  til Thursday.
 Chandler: The wedding pictures?
 Monica: They won't be ready for weeks.
 Chandler: Not the disposable cameras from the tables.
 Monica: That's true! (Happily) I knew I married you for a reason!
 Chandler: I'll tell you what, I will go get them developed and you can go
 home.
 Monica: Okay.
 (Joey giggles.)
 Chandler: What? What did you take a picture of?
 Joey: Nothing! It was something.
 Chandler: Okay Ross has the cameras, has he checked out yet?
 Rachel: Are you joking? Check out is not  til noon and he has a good
 (checks her watch) eleven minutes left.
 Chandler: Oh.
 Monica: Ross has never checked out of a room a minute before he had to.
 Rachel: Yeah, one time, when we were dating, uh we got a late checkout, he got
 so excited it was the best sex we ever had. Until y'know, he screamed out Radisson
 at the end.
 Chandler: Okay, well I'm gonna get Ross, get the cameras, and get them
 developed. (Joey laughs again.) 32 Joe. You're 32! (Exits)
 Front Desk Clerk: (To Monica) Here's a copy of your bill.
 Monica: Oh thanks. (Reading the bill) Champagne, strawberries Oh my God! I
 can't believe Chandler ordered porn on our wedding night!
 Joey: Yeah, that's sad. Mashuga nut?
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Ross's Hotel Room, he is letting Chandler in.]
 Ross: Hi.
 Chandler: Hey. (He sees that Ross is packing all of the hotel toiletries) Soaps?
 Shampoos? Are you really taking all this stuff?
 Ross: Why not? It's built into the price of the room.
 Chandler: Yeah but you don't need (Picks up something) What is
 this?
 Ross: Thread!
 Chandler: Score! Where are the disposable cameras?
 Ross: What disposable cameras?
 Chandler: The cameras? Remember last night I told you to take them?
 Ross: No you didn't.
 Chandler: Yes! Remember? Right before we cut the cake, I went up to you and I
 said
 Ross: Oh-oh yeah, you-you came up to me and asked if I could do you a favor, and
 my Uncle Murray came up to you and handed you a check. And then you said, 'Why do
 they call it a check? Why not a Yugoslavian?' (Chandler laughs.) Yeah, then you did
 that.
 Chandler: So you don't have the cameras?!
 Ross: No. Sorry man.
 Chandler: So? What? What? They're gone! Monica's gonna freak!
 Ross: Well, I'm sure they're still somewhere here in the hotel.
 I'll-I'll help you look for them.
 Chandler: Great.
 Ross: In-in three minutes.
 (Chandler goes into the bathroom, closes the door, and then opens it again right away.
 Ross looks up and hands him the toilet paper Ross already packed.)
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe is entering to see Monica sitting in front of a
 mound of wedding gifts.]
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Monica: Hey!
 Phoebe: Are you gonna open the presents without Chandler?
 Monica: No! (Pause) But, they're callin' out to me! I mean this little
 guy (Holds up a small one) even crawled up into my lap. Oh come on, Chandler wouldn't
 mind if I opened just one present! What do you think it is?
 Phoebe: A little mirror that when you look into it you see yourself as an old
 woman.
 (Monica opens it anyways.)
 Monica: A tiny salt shaker!!!
 Phoebe: Ohhh! My God! For tiny salt!
 Monica: Oh wow! Okay. Well that was fun.
 Phoebe: Oh yeah.
 Monica: Good. Okay, I'm just gonna wait for Chandler to open the rest of
 them.
 Phoebe: Okay.
 Monica: Whew. Although y'know, this is part of a salt and pepper set. I
 mean  I guess y'know it may just count as a half a present. What do you think?


Phoebe: Well I guess it's okay to open one more if it's part of a set.
 Y'know, it's probably this one. (Grabs another small one.)
 Monica: Or this one! (She grabs and starts to open the biggest present.)
 Rachel: (entering) Hi.
 Monica: Hey, how are you feelin'? Any morning sickness?
 Rachel: Shh-shh-shh! The guys don't know yet do they?
 Monica: No! Joey and Ross don't know anything and Chandler still thinks
 that Phoebe's pregnant.
 Phoebe: Yeah that's right Chandler does still think I'm pregnant. He
 hasn't asked me how I'm feeling or offered to carry my bags. Boy, I feel bad for
 the woman who ends up with him. (Monica looks at her.) After you of course.
 Rachel: Don't worry I promise that you will only have to be pregnant for a
 few more hours,  cause I'm going to tell the father today.
 Phoebe: Ooh, is it someone in this building? Is it that tall guy from the first
 floor?
 Rachel: Ew! No!
 Phoebe: What?! I think he's cute.
 Rachel: Well then you have his baby.
 Phoebe: Believe me I'm trying.
 Monica: Wow. Y'know it is so weird. I mean, you're gonna tell this guy
 today and he has no idea what's gonna happen.
 Phoebe: Yeah. You're just gonna knock on his door and change his life
 forever. You're like Ed McMahon except without the big check, or the raw sexual
 magnetism.
 Rachel: Yeah. Uh-huh, I guess it is pretty big news.
 Phoebe: Pretty big? It's huge! God, this guy doesn't have a clue!
 He's just walking down the street thinking,  I had sex with Rachel Green. I
 rock!' then bam! He's a father and everything's different.
 Rachel: Well it's only different if he wants it to be. I mean, I'm not
 gonna ask him for anything.
 Phoebe: Okay. Then he still has this huge decision to make. Now he's
 walking around thinking,  Do I want to be a dad?' and then bam!
 Monica: What was that bam?
 Phoebe: I don't. He got he-he-he-he's hit by a bus.
 Joey: (entering) Hey!
 Rachel: Hey Joey, what would you do if someone that you slept with told you that
 she was pregnant?
 Joey: (warily) Who called here? Did she sound blond? Huh? Did-did-did she have
 an accent? I gotta make a call! (Starts to leave) I shoulda never walked into that
 Sunglass Hut!
 Rachel: Oh Joey! Joey! No, it's not you! You didn't get anybody
 pregnant!
 Joey: Oh. Why would you scare me like that? What the hell is going on? (Pause.)
 Is somebody pregnant?
 Phoebe: Oh yeah. That's me.
 Joey: Oh my God Pheebs! You're gonna have a baby?
 Phoebe: Yes. Yes I am. Oh my God, I'm gonna have a baby! (Joey and Phoebe
 hug.)
 Joey: Whoa, wait a minute. Who's the father?
 Phoebe: You don't know him. It's not important. He wants nothing to do
 with me or the baby. (She sits down like she's pregnant.)
 Joey: Well who is this guy?! Huh? Who is he?  Cause I will track him down
 and kick his ass!
 Phoebe: David Lynn.
 Joey: David Lynn! David Lynn! David Lynn!! (Exits)
 Monica: Who's David Lynn?
 Phoebe: Oh some guy from my gym. A little annoying.
 [Scene: The Banquet Room, Chandler is under one of the tables as Ross enters.]
 Ross: Chandler?
 Chandler: Hey! Did you find the cameras?
 Ross: No. Did you?
 Chandler: Yes! And that's why I'm under the table. Celebrating.
 Ross: Well I checked in the uh, lost and found, I talked to the manager,
 no-one's turned them.
 Chandler: Well this is great. Y'know, those cameras were the only thing
 that was gonna cheer Monica up today, she's really depressed.
 Ross: Now you guys just got married, why is she so depressed?
 Chandler: All my energy is going into not asking that question. I can't
 believe I screwed this up!
 Ross: I'm sorry man. (Formally dressed people start to enter.) Here's
 a thought. This is the same ballroom. There's a band. There's gonna be plenty of
 dressed up people.
 Chandler: Are you suggesting we dance our troubles away?
 Ross: No-no-no, I'm saying we-we buy more of this (disposable cameras) at
 the gift shop, throw our tuxes back on, and take a few pictures. All we have to do is make
 sure not to get anybody else's faces.
 Chandler: Are you serious?
 Ross: I'm just thinking about your new bride at home. Okay? Do-do you
 really want to start your life together by letting her down?
 Chandler: Marriage advice? Really?!
 Ross: I'm telling you, this looks exactly like your wedding! Aren't
 these the same flowers?
 Chandler: I don't know, Monica picked out the flowers.
 Ross: What about the chairs?
 Chandler: She picked those out too.
 Ross: How about the place settings?
 Chandler: That was her.
 Ross: What did you do?
 Chandler: I was in charge of the cameras! Gift shop?
 Ross: Hmm. (They head off to the gift shop.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting on the couch as Phoebe enters.]


Phoebe: Hey! Ooh, did you do it yet?
 Rachel: Not yet.
 Phoebe: Oh, well what are you doing here? Are you about to do it? (Gasps) Is it
 Gunther?
 Rachel: No! Phoebe, it's not Gunther.
 Phoebe: Thank God,  cause that hair on a baby
 Rachel: Phoebe the father is not here okay? I haven't told him yet and I
 don't think I can tell him at all now!
 Phoebe: Why not?
 Rachel: I don't know, let me think. I was walking down the street thinking,
  I'm gonna tell the father today' and then bam!
 Phoebe: Bus?
 Rachel: No, you! Phoebe you freaked me out. You kept saying how huge this all
 is!
 Phoebe: Well-well but it is huge.
 Rachel: I know, but I was just thinking about how huge this is for me. I
 didn't even go to how huge this was going to be for the father.
 Phoebe: You're thinking about this way too much. Just tell him and get it
 over with. It's like, it's like ripping off this Band-Aid. (On her arm) Quick
 and painless, watch. (Rips it off.) Oh mother of See?
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Obsessive Monica has now opened more of the wedding
 gifts.]
 Joey: (entering) Ooh-ooh-ooh! Are we opening presents?
 Monica: No! No! I shouldn't have even opened these! I mean I Joey I am
 out of control!! Joey, you have to do me a favor. No matter what I say, no matter what I
 do, please do not let me open another present! Okay?
 Joey: Okay.
 Monica: Give me one more.
 Joey: Okay. (Hands her one.)
 Phoebe: (entering) Hey.
 Joey: Oh good, uh you're here. Uh Pheebs? Listen uh sit down. I-I got
 something I want to say.
 Phoebe: All right. (She sits down like she's pregnant again.)
 Joey: Umm, now uh  It's a scary world out there, especially for a
 single mom. Y'know, now I always thought you and I had a special bond so  (He
 goes to one knee and pulls out a ring.) Phoebe Buffay, will you marry me?
 Monica: Oh my God! Joey!
 Phoebe: Hell yeah! I'll marry you! (She grabs the ring and puts it on.)
 Monica: You can't marry him!
 Phoebe: Hey lady, your day's over! It's my turn!
 Monica: Phoebe!
 Joey: Why?! Why can't she marry me?!
 Phoebe: I can and I will! (Kisses him.)
 Monica: She's not pregnant. It's Rachel. Rachel's the one
 who's pregnant.
 Joey: Oh my God.
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Monica: Phoebe I think he would notice if you didn't have a baby in nine
 months!
 Phoebe: It's Joey! (Joey turns and looks at her and she mouths  I love
 you' to him.)
 Joey: (smiles then stops) Now I can't believe it! What? Rachel's
 pregnant? (The girls nod yes.) Who's the father?
 Phoebe: We don't know.
 Joey: Ohh  I wonder if that dude.
 Monica: There's a dude?
 Joey: Yeah.
 Phoebe: Who? Who is it?
 Joey: About a month ago this guy spent the night with Rachel, I didn't see
 who it was but  (He walks out and closes the door.)
 Phoebe: Was that story over?
 (They follow him and meet him in the hall coming out of his apartment carrying a
 sweater.)
 Joey: The guy left this.
 Phoebe: (gasps) Oh my God! I know who the father is  (She walks into Monica
 and Chandler's.)
 Monica: People have got to finish their stories!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: The Banquet Room, Ross and Chandler are in their tuxes and have started to fake
 the pictures.]
 Chandler: (to another couple) Uh, excuse me? Could you take a picture of us?
 Woman At The Wedding: Oh! Of course. (Ross and Chandler pose and she takes the
 picture.)
 Man At The Wedding: Uh, would you take one of us?
 Chandler: Uhh  Yeah sure. (Holds the camera up to his face.) Click!
 Woman At The Wedding: It didn't click.
 Ross: I heard it. I heard it.
 Man At The Wedding: But there was no flash.
 Woman At The Wedding: Why won't you take our picture?
 Chandler: Oh yeah. I'll take, I'll take your picture. (He takes the
 picture with his finger over the lens.)
 Man At The Wedding: Uh, your finger was covering the lens.
 Chandler: Who are you? Ansel Adams?! Get outta here!
 [Scene: Outside Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are about to go inside.]
 Phoebe: Look, I feel really bad about how I freaked you out before, so I called
 the father and asked him to meet you here so you can tell him. Go!
 Rachel: What? Hey wait a minute! Phoebe, how do you even know who the father is?
 Phoebe: I may play the fool at times, but I'm a little more than a pretty
 blond girl with an ass that won't quit. (She takes the sweater out of her purse.) I
 believe this belongs to the father of your baby.
 Rachel: Oh God  Oh, he's in there right now?


Phoebe: Uh-huh. Now you can turn around or you can go in there and rip the
 Band-Aid off. What to you want to do?
 Rachel: Uh, let's rip!
 Phoebe: Really? Are you sure?
 Rachel: Oh Phoebe!
 Phoebe: Okay, sorry. Yeah. (They go inside to confront the father.)
 Tag: Hey Rach.
 [Scene: The Banquet Room, Ross is taking a picture of a plant, Chandler a fork. The
 band stops.]
 Chandler: Why don't you go up on stage. I'll get a picture of you
 doing the speech.
 Ross: Okay. Okay!
 (He goes up on stage, mimes like he's giving the speech, and Chandler takes his
 picture. However, before he gets down everyone starts clinking their glasses for a real
 speech.)
 Ross: Will the owner of a 1995 Buick LeSabre please see the front desk? Your car
 is about to be towed.
 Anxious Wedding Guest: (rushing up) That's my car!
 Ross: A '95 LeSabre?!
 Anxious Wedding Guest: Yes!
 Ross: A green LeSabre?
 Anxious Wedding Guest: Yes!
 Ross: I'm sorry, I meant a blue LeSabre.
 Anxious Wedding Guest: Yes! Green-blue!
 Ross: Well go! Go move it! (He runs off.)
 Chandler: Okay, you ready for the last picture?
 Ross: Yeah.
 Chandler: Get ready to run. (Chandler walks over to the new bride.)
 Congratulations on your wedding. (He grabs her, kisses her, Ross takes the picture, and
 they both run out.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]
 Tag: So, what's this about?
 Phoebe: Rachel has something that she wants to tell you and umm, I believe that
 this is your red sweater.
 Tag: No. (Unzips his coat.) This is my red sweater.
 Phoebe: Oh no. Could I get anyone a coffee or poison? No? Just for me?
 Okay. (Walks away.)
 Tag: What's going on Rach?
 Rachel: Nothing! Phoebe kinda made a mistake. But y'know you do wear that
 sweater a lot, are you involved in some kind of dare?
 Tag: Y'know, I'm actually glad Phoebe called. (He pulls out a stool
 and Rachel sits down.) I know we broke up because you thought I wasn't mature enough,
 but I've really grown up and think we should get back together.
 Rachel: Oh, it's just not the right time.
 Tag: It is the right time. (Takes her hand.)
 Rachel: Okay.
 Tag: I'm ready for more.
 Rachel: Tag
 Tag: Come on Rach, let's give it another try.
 Rachel: I'm having a baby.
 Tag: Oh. (He drops her hand.)
 (Pause)
 Rachel: You can go.
 Tag: Thank you. (Gets up and hurries out.)
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Obsessive Monica has finished opening all the presents.
 She's ashamed of this, at least, because as someone enters ]
 Monica: (throwing up the last present) I don't know how any of these got
 opened?!
 Joey: (entering) You opened them all?
 Monica: I know! I know! I am a terrible person! I mean, Chandler is never going
 to trust me with anything ever again!
 Joey: Oh hey! You got my parent's gift! (Holds it up.)
 Monica: Yeah. What is that?
 Joey: Well, I don't know. I think it does something to salami.
 (Phoebe and Rachel enter.)
 Monica: Hey! How'd it go?
 Joey: Yeah. What-what did Tag say?
 Rachel: Tag is not the father! And Joey knows now?
 Joey: I do Rach. I do, and I so happy for you. (They hug.)
 Rachel: Oh wow, you didn't even try to unhook my bra!
 Monica: So are you ever gonna tell whoever it is?
 Rachel: No, I will. I'm just not up for it tonight.
 Joey: Hey Rach listen, no matter what this guy says I want you to know
 you're not gonna be alone in this.
 Rachel: I'm not?
 Joey: Listen I uh  (He takes her hand.) It's a scary world out there
 especially if you're a single mom. Y'know, I always felt like you and I have
 this-this special bond. Y'know? So, (gets down on one knee again) Rachel Green will
 you marry me?
 Rachel: What?
 Monica: What?!
 Phoebe: What?!!
 Joey: Pheebs, give me the ring back!
 Phoebe: No!!
 Rachel: No! Joey, oh you're so sweet. You're so-so sweet, honey. But
 I'm not, I'm not looking for a husband.
 Joey: (heartbroken) I understand.
 Rachel: Now, if you will excuse me I am going to go and lie down. (Exits.)
 Phoebe: I can't say that didn't hurt. But I'll take you back Joey
 Tribbiani.
 Joey: Uh yeah. Pheebs, listen about that. I only offered
 Phoebe: Ooh! A Salami Buddy!
 Joey: There you go!
 (Chandler and Ross enter with the new pictures.)
 Chandler: We're back!
 Monica: Great! We're hangin' in the kitchen! (She drags him into the
 kitchen and turns his back to the living room) Let's stay in the kitchen!
 Chandler: It's picture time.
 Ross: Now you are going to love these.
 Chandler: (showing her the pictures) Here's a picture of Ross. (Shows
 another one.) And that's me. (Another one.) And that's me and Ross.
 (Another one.) Oh-ho, that is a picture of our first kiss as a married couple.


 The One Where Rachel Tells...
 The One Where Rachel Tells
 Written by: Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are getting ready to go on their
 honeymoon. Monica is entering from the bedroom.]
 Chandler: Hey! Babe! Aren't you excited we're going on our honeymoon?
 Monica: Yeah I am!
 Chandler: (singing) Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama
 Monica: That's right. Get it out of your system while we're alone.
 Joey: (entering with Phoebe) Hey!
 Phoebe: Yeah! Have a great honeymoon!
 Chandler: I'd better go pack.
 Monica: Oh no, I already packed. The only thing I couldn't find though was
 your Speedo.
 (Joey looks at him, Phoebe tries not to smile, and Chandler is shocked.)
 Chandler: A Speedo? Uh, I don't have a Speedo. I'm gonna go pack my
 regular long bathing suit. (Goes into the bedroom.)
 Rachel: (entering) Oh good you're still here!
 Monica: Hey!
 Rachel: I want to tell you to have a good honeymoon! (Hugs Monica.)
 Monica: Thank you.
 Rachel: And I also wanted you guys to know that I am telling the father today.
 (They all look at her expectantly) What? What? What?
 (Pause.)
 Joey: We know its Ross!
 Rachel: How?! How do you know?
 Phoebe: It was his sweater, but Oh my God!
 Rachel: Oh, I so wanted Ross to know first, but I'm so relieved you guys
 know.
 Monica: This is so great! And I'm gonna be your baby's aunt!
 Rachel: I know! (They hug.)
 Phoebe: Me too! (Joins the hug.)
 Joey: I'm gonna be an uncle! Come here! (He joins the hug.)
 Rachel: (breaking the hug) You're all gonna be aunts and uncles.
 Monica: Yeah, but I'm the only one related by blood.
 Rachel: Okay. Great! So now that you guys all know you can help me. Give me some
 advice on how I'm gonna tell Ross!
 Monica: Well, what were you gonna say?
 Rachel: Well I was gonna tell him that I'm-I'm gonna have the baby and
 he can be as involved as he wants.
 Joey: Well that, that sounds good.
 Rachel: Yeah but how do I start? I mean, what's-what's the first thing
 that I say? (They all pause to think.) Okay great! Thanks. (She starts to leave.)
 Monica: Hey! Good luck!
 Phoebe: Yeah, bye.
 Joey: Bye.
 (Rachel exits.)
 Chandler: (entering) Hey, what was that all about?
 Monica: Well I guess there is no harm in telling you now, Rachel and Ross are
 gonna have a baby.
 Chandler: (in a high pitched voice) What?! I didn't even know that Why
 didn't you tell me?! (Pause) Why am I talking like this?!
 Monica: I didn't think you could keep it a secret.
 Chandler: (in the high pitched voice) What?! (Normal voice) I am an excellent
 secret keeper. I have kept all of our secrets.
 Joey: What secrets?
 Chandler: Oh no-no Joey, I am not going to tell you because I am an excellent
 secret keeper.
 (The girls walk away.)
 Joey: (whispering to Chandler) You'll tell me later?
 Chandler: You already know.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Phoebe are entering.]
 Phoebe: Oh, it's so romantic to send people off on their honeymoon.
 Joey: Y'know, Monica and Chandler are married. Ross and Rachel are having a
 baby. Maybe you and I should do something.
 Phoebe: All in good time my love. All in good time. Oh shoot! I left my guitar
 in their apartment. Well you can let me in later.
 Joey: I don't have a key, they took mine to give to you.
 Phoebe: What?! They took mine to give to you!
 Joey: Why would they take away our keys?
 Phoebe: Maybe they don't trust us.
 Joey: No that's not it. They let me keep my key the last time they were out
 of town.
 Phoebe: You mean the time you broke the ketchup bottle and cleaned it up with
 Monica's guest towels?
 Joey: Hey, I washed those!
 Phoebe: No you didn't.
 Joey: Yeah that didn't sound like me.
 Phoebe: Well, what am I gonna do? I really need my guitar!
 Joey: Yeah, I have stuff in there too.
 Phoebe: What stuff?
 Joey: Monica's chicken parm! I'll take care of it. (He picks up the
 phone) Hey Mr. Treeger, it's Joey Tribbiani. Listen, I need to get into Monica and
 Chandler's apartment. It's an emergency. (Listens) Uhh, gas leak! Yeah oh, and
 bring garlic bread. (Hangs up.)
 Ross: (entering) Hey!
 Phoebe: Did Rachel find you?
 Ross: No why?
 Phoebe: Oh she was looking for you.
 Ross: Oh well, I guess I'll catch up with her later.
 Phoebe: Well, she really wanted to talk to you now.
 Joey: Yeah, it seemed pretty important.
 Ross: Oh no.
 Phoebe: What?
 Ross: I think I might know what this is about.
 (Phoebe and Joey trade looks)
 Joey: Really?


Ross: Yeah. Uh, uh we promised we weren't gonna tell anybody this but uh,
 about a month ago Rachel and I slept together.
 Phoebe: (deadpan) And?
 Ross: Wow! I thought you would be a little more shocked.
 Phoebe: Oh sorry. (Shocked) And?!
 Ross: Well, we-we said we'd just do it that one time but, but now I think
 she may wanna start things up again.
 Joey: Yeah, I don't think that's what it is.
 Ross: Why? What-what else could it be?
 Joey: Oh wow, I don't feel well.
 Ross: I'm telling you. I'm telling you. That's what it is. No
 wonder she was looking at me all funny during the wedding. She didn't say anything to
 you?
 Phoebe: (To Joey) Maybe it's something you ate?
 Joey: Please, just-just, just go and talk to Rachel.
 Ross: Yeah, I guess I should. (Starts to leave.) Man, y'know what I have to
 realize? Maybe I'm just not the type of guy women can have just one night with.
 Y'know, they-they always seem to want a little bit more. I should remember that. (He
 pauses and then exits.)
 [Scene: The Airport Ticket Counter, Monica and Chandler are standing in line behind
 another couple kissing who are next in line to be served.]
 Ticket Agent: Next?
 (The kissing couple doesn't move.)
 Monica: They're kissing let's just go around them.
 Chandler: Oh honey, leave them alone, they're in love.
 Monica: I'm in love too! But in an orderly fashion.
 Ticket Agent: Next?
 Monica: (to the couple) Hi! Can you do that and walk?  Cause she
 said, 'Next.'
 (The couple moves up to the counter.)
 Woman: Sorry. We didn't hear you; we're on our honeymoon.
 Ticket Agent: Oh, let me see what I can do. (Checks the computer) There are some
 first class seats available.
 Monica: (To Chandler) Did you hear that?! They bumped them up to first class
 because they are on their honeymoon! Come on! Let's act like we're on our
 honeymoon.
 Chandler: We are on our honeymoon.
 Monica: Grab my ass!
 Ticket Agent: Next?
 (They go up to the counter.)
 Monica: Hi, sorry. I almost didn't hear you, because y'know I'm
 just so in love with my new husband. We're on our honeymoon.
 Ticket Agent: Congratulations. Okay, Mr. Bing you'll be in 25J and Mrs.
 Bing you'll be in 25K.
 Monica: Oh no, you see we're on our honeymoon. So umm, can you do your
 little thing and bump us up to first class?
 Ticket Agent: I'm sorry, all our first class seats are taken. That couple
 got the last two.
 Monica: You see, if we'd gone around them like I said, we She
 would've given us those tickets. Damnit!
 Chandler: 25J and K, any chance those aren't together?
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe and Joey are playing Rock  em, Sock  em
 Robots.]
 Joey: I still can't believe they took away my key. You trust me with yours.
 Phoebe: Of course I do! And I'm gonna give it back to you as soon as
 they're done with it at the key shining place.
 (They hear a knocking sound coming from the hallway and go to investigate.)
 Joey: What the hell is that?
 (They go into the hallway and see Mr. Treeger watching one of New York's bravest
 breakdown Monica and Chandler's door with an ax.]
 Joey: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Treeger, what are you doing?
 Mr. Treeger: You said there was a gas leak in here.
 Phoebe: Well why don't you use your key?
 Mr. Treeger: Because by the time I find it on this thing (Holds up a huge key
 ring with a thousand keys on it), the whole place might have exploded. If that happens at
 another building that I manage, people are gonna start asking questions. (To the fireman)
 Come on! Hurry up.
 (With a final swing the door gives way.)
 Phoebe: Oh! We could have done that.
 [Scene: The Airport, Chandler and Monica are following the previous couple through a
 tiny hallway that proves this is a set on a sound stage and not an actual airport, and see
 them enter the first class lounge.]
 Monica: Look at that! Look at that! They're going into the first class
 lounge! Do you know what they have in there?
 Chandler: No.
 Monica: Me neither! We have to get in! (She runs through the door with Chandler
 in tow.)
 Chandler: Just act like you belong.
 Monica: Oh my God! Oranges!
 Chandler: Shh! (To the guy behind the counter) Nice to see you again. (They
 tries to walk past him.)
 Airline Employee: Uh sir, may I see your tickets please?
 Chandler: Yes, of course. (Shows him the tickets.)
 Airline Employee: I'm sorry, would you move your thumb? I can't see
 the seat number.
 Chandler: Oh that's all right, I have it memorized. It's 1A.
 Airline Employee: (grabbing the ticket from him) Sir, this is not a first class
 ticket. I'm sorry.


Chandler: Apology accepted. Excuse us. (They try to enter again.)
 Airline Employee: Sir! I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
 Monica: Fine. (Starts to walk away then she runs over and grabs an orange before
 she exits.) Go! Go! Go!
 [Scene: The Hallway Outside Ross's Apartment, Ross is walking towards his
 apartment and sees Rachel sitting in front of the door.]
 Rachel: (seeing him) Hi!
 Ross: Hi.
 Rachel: Hi. (He helps her up.) Umm, I think there's something that we
 really need to talk about.
 Ross: (quietly confident) I think we do. Why don't we go inside? (They go
 inside.) Look uh, I know why you're here.
 Rachel: You do?
 Ross: Yeah, and to save you from any embarrassment umm, I think maybe I should
 talk first.
 Rachel: (warily) Okay.
 Ross: Okay. (He sits her down in a chair.) Uh, Ross and Rachel. Rachel and Ross.
 That's been one heck of a see-saw hasn't it?
 Rachel: (confused) What?
 Ross: I mean look, that-that one night we had was fun and and certainly
 passionate, but don't you think it's better if we just stayed friends?
 Rachel: Seriously. What?!
 Ross: Okay. Okay. Y'know what? If you want to, we can do it one more time.
 I mean I'd-I'd be okay with that. In fact, I have some time right now.
 Rachel: Okay, y'know what? Can I, can I talk now?
 Ross: Oh sure. (He sits on the apothecary table and touches her hand.)
 Rachel: (touches his knee) I'm pregnant. (Ross stops.) Ross? (Ross is
 staring off into space.) Ross? (Ross is still frozen) Okay, whenever you're ready.
 (Sits back and opens her magazine.) And you're the father by the way but you got
 that
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Ross's Apartment, continued from earlier.]
 Rachel: (closes her magazine) Can I get you some water?
 Ross: I'm good. I'm good.
 Rachel: Ross, there is no pressure on you. Okay? I mean you can as involved as
 you want. (Ross nods.)
 Ross: Yeah, I need uh  I'm just I don't know I
 don't understand, umm, how this happened? We-we used a condom.
 Rachel: I know. I know, but y'know condoms only work like 97% of the time.
 Ross: What? What? What?!! Well they should put that on the box!!!
 Rachel: They do!
 Ross: No they don't!!! (He runs to the bedroom to check and returns with
 his box of condoms.) Well they should put it in huge black letters!!!!
 Rachel: Okay Ross come on let's just forget about the condoms.
 Ross: Oh well I may as well have!
 Rachel: Listen, y'know what? I was really freaked out too when I found
 out
 Ross: Freaked out? Hey no, I'm not freaked out! I'm indignant!
 As a consumer!
 Rachel: Y'know what? Let's, let's talk later.
 Ross: No! No! I want to talk now! Okay? I In fact, (picks up the phone) I
 am going to talk to the president of the condom company!
 Rachel: Okay, y'know maybe I should come back  (Starts to leave.)
 Ross: (grabs her) Shh! Shh! Shh!
 Rachel: (stops) Okay.
 Ross: (on phone) Yeah I'll press 1! (Presses one which allows Rachel to
 escape.)
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Mr. Treeger has finished inspecting Monica and
 Chandler's apartment.]
 Mr. Treeger: I've looked everywhere. There's no gas leak.
 Joey: (eating) Huh. So then I can heat this up? (Goes and does so.)
 Mr. Treeger: Anyway uh, I'll get moving on that new door.
 Phoebe: Oh great! And listen, could you do us a favor and not tell Chandler and
 Monica about this?  Cause y'know umm, they don't-they don't have any
 kids of their own and-and this door was like a child to them.
 Mr. Treeger: Well I'm gonna have to put on a new lock, they'll find
 out anyway.
 Phoebe: Oh no.
 Mr. Treeger: (measures the top of the doorframe) Whoa! This looks like an all
 day job, I'll have to cancel my yoga class. (Ross walks up.) Hey Ross!
 Ross: Hi.
 Mr. Treeger: Could you tell Jasmine that I won't make it to yoga class today?
 Ross: Sure.
 Mr. Treeger: Namaste. (Bows.)
 Ross: Namaste. (Bows.)
 (Treeger leaves and Ross notices the door.)
 Ross: Oh my God! What happened to the door?!
 Joey: So it's noticeable huh?
 Ross: Look, is Rachel here? I really need to talk to her.
 Phoebe: Didn't you two already talk?
 Ross: Yeah but uh  Okay, okay look you guys know that Rachel and I slept
 together, but there's something else. (Pause) Rachel's pregnant.
 Joey: (simultaneously) Oh my God!!! I can't believe that!!
 Phoebe: (simultaneously) Holy mother of God!!!
 Ross: With my child.
 Phoebe: That is brand new information!!
 Ross: You already know don't you?
 Phoebe: A little bit.
 Joey: How are you doing?
 Ross: Okay. Okay. I mean I'll be okay. It's just I don't think I
 handled it very well.
 Joey: Well, what did you say to her?
 Ross: Nothing. But the complaint department at the condom company got an earful.
 And then when I turned around she was gone.


Phoebe: Oh Ross.
 Ross: But hey, in my defense I-I just found out condoms are like only 97%
 effective.
 Joey: (shocked) What?
 Ross: I gotta go find her.
 Joey: Whoa! Hey! Whoa!! Hold up! Are you serious?! So like 3% of the time they
 don't even work?! Huh? They should put that on the box!
 Ross: Evidently they do.
 Joey: What?! (Grabs his condoms from his pocket and looks.)
 [Scene: The Atlantis Resort, Chandler and Monica are arriving to check in, but are
 behind the couple from before again.]
 Monica: I can't believe we're here.
 Chandler: Oh you've got to be kidding me.
 Monica: What? (Monica sees the first couple and gasps.)
 Front Desk Clerk: As a wedding gift to you, the hotel would like to give you the
 honeymoon suite.
 Monica: No!! You have been screwing us all day!
 Man: Who are you?
 Chandler: We're you just ten seconds later!
 Monica: Yeah! You already got the first class tickets; you got the lounge! I
 mean we should get free stuff too! I mean you're not the only ones on your honeymoon!
 Woman: Well you can have the suite if you want. We don't care about where
 we stay. We're here to celebrate our love together. We don't have to get free
 stuff. We just want to be together.
 Chandler: (looks at Monica then at them) We need the stuff.
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey is on the phone and Phoebe is watching him.]
 Joey: Hey Monica it's Joey. Listen uh, Phoebe and I smell gas comin'
 from your apartment.
 Monica: What? Are you serious?! (To Chandler) Joey smells gas!
 Chandler: What else is new?
 Joey: Yeah and we'd go check it out, but you took away our keys.
 Monica: Well do something! Get in there!
 Joey: How? I guess I could break down your door.
 Monica: Yeah! Do that!
 Joey: And-and you won't blame us for any damage? (Gives Phoebe a thumbs
 up.)
 Monica: No! (Pause) Are you doing it?! I don't hear anything! Come on!
 Joey: Uh, okay I'll-I'll-I'll break it down. (He hands the phone
 to Phoebe, gets up, picks up a chair, and starts banging it on the floor.)
 Phoebe: Oh hey hi, he's doing it. He's breaking down the door. (The
 chair breaks in half.) Okay, we're in. (She hangs up the phone.)
 [Scene: A doctor's office, Rachel is on an examining table with her legs in the
 stirrups.]
 Nurse: Okay Rachel, are you comfortable?
 Rachel: (sighs) If I said I was, would you judge me?
 Nurse: The doctor will be here in a minute to do your sonogram.
 Rachel: Okay. (The nurse exits.) Oh man, I swear if they sold these at Pottery
 Barn
 (There's a knock on the door and Ross enters.)
 Ross: Hi!
 Rachel: (shocked) Hi!
 Ross: Uh we-we need to talk.
 Rachel: Uh-uh-uh, right now? Because I've kinda got an el fresco situation
 going on over here.
 Ross: Please, please I want to apologize for the way I acted earlier today.
 Rachel: Okay Ross that's fine, but can you please stand near my head?
 Ross: What? Oh yeah. (He moves next to her head.) I'm sorry. I mean I-I
 think I went a little crazy. I mean I was thinking about myself when I (Wanders towards
 Rachel's feet) really I should have been thinking about you Rach
 Rachel: Okay. Head Ross! Head Ross! Head Ross!
 Ross: Right! Right! I just I want you to know that I'm going to be
 there through this whole thing, okay? Okay? The doctor's appointments, the uh, the
 Lamaze classes, uh baby-proofing the apartment Although we could probably worry about
 that  til after we get married.
 Rachel: What married?
 Ross: Well yeah, I think we should get married.
 Rachel: What, because that's your answer to everything?
 Ross: No, because that's the right thing to do.
 Rachel: Yeah, maybe if you're in love. But Ross, we are not in love, are
 we?
 Ross: No but but still you can't possibly do this alone.
 Rachel: Excuse me?
 Ross: Come on Rach, you can't even eat alone in a restaurant.
 Rachel: What?!
 Ross: I'm just saying if you can't eat by yourself, how do you expect
 to have a baby by yourself?
 Rachel: I can too eat by myself!
 Ross: When have you ever?
 Rachel: When certain people leave the table and I am not finished!
 Ross: Well certain other people take two hours to eat a bowl of soup!
 Rachel: Oh please, you inhale your food!
 Ross: I grew up with Monica! If you didn't eat fast you didn't eat!!
 Dr. Long: (entering) Am I interrupting?
 Rachel: Oh no Dr. Long, please come in. This is Ross, he is the father.
 Ross: But not the husband, because evidently she can do this alone.
 Dr. Long: Huh. Nice to meet you. I'll get started on this.
 Ross: (To Rachel, standing by her feet) I don't know why you can't
 admit that you need me.


 The One With The Videotape
 The One With The Videotape
 Written by: Scott Silveri
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Monica are returning from their honeymoon.]
 Chandler: Wait. Before we go in, I just want you to know I love you. I had a
 great time on our honeymoon, and I can't wait to go in there and spend the rest of
 our life together.
 Monica: You're really sticking with the shell necklace huh? (Points to
 necklace of shells he's wearing.)
 (Joey and Phoebe burst forth from his apartment.)
 Phoebe: Hi!
 Joey: Hey! You're back! (Hugs and kisses all around.)
 Monica: Hi sweetie!
 Phoebe: Come on in!
 (They grab the luggage and drag it into Joey and Rachel's forcing Monica and
 Chandler to follow.)
 Phoebe: So how was the honeymoon?
 Monica: Oh, so much fun. But the best part is, we met this incredible couple on
 the way back.
 Phoebe: That was the best part? (To Chandler) Good honeymooning tiger.
 Monica: No, they were really cool. They were on their honeymoon too!
 Chandler: They're terrific, and they live right here in the city.
 Monica: Yeah, can we go call them? Is it too soon to call? I wanna call.
 Chandler: I'm sorry, we're just kinda excited because we finally have
 a couple to hang out with.
 Monica: I know.
 Joey: A couple? Like two people? Like (points to himself) one (points to
 Phoebe), two people?
 Monica: This is different! Greg and Jenny are in a relationship.
 Phoebe: Oh, Greg and Jenny yuck! (Angrily) Hi Greg, I'm Chandler this is
 Monica. Hi Monica, this is Jenny. Hi Jenny. Hi Greg.
 Chandler: Listen, they are really great. If you just got a chance
 Joey: Y'know what? Why don't you just give us our souvenirs and get
 the hell out of here?
 Chandler: We really didn't get a chance to
 Phoebe: You have got to be kidding me!
 Monica: We didn't get anything for anyone.
 Joey: Hm-mm! Yeah nice necklace!
 Monica: That you can have.
 Opening Credits
 (Transcriber's Note: Tradition was broken here as there were no commercials
 immediately after the opening credits, just more show.)
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Ross and Rachel are entering with the rest of the gang
 already inside.]
 Rachel: Hi!
 All: Hey!
 Ross: Hello!
 Rachel: Welcome home.
 Ross: So, how was the honeymoon?
 Monica: It was great! It was great! How about you?! I mean you're having a
 baby!
 Rachel: Oh! Look! I have a sonogram picture!
 Monica: Oh great! (Shows them the picture.)
 Chandler: Ross! It's got your wavy black lines!
 Monica: All right, so now that Ross knows can you tell us y'know how it
 happened? I mean, when did it happen? How many times did it happen?
 Phoebe: Monica! That's not right! Start with where.
 (Rachel looks at Ross and gets his approval.)
 Rachel: Well it happened about six weeks ago, and uh I had just got home from
 work and Ross was already there  cause I guess he had been hanging out with Joey.
 Joey: You're welcome buddy.
 Ross: (glaring at him) Yeah, thanks. (Joey nods no problem.)
 Rachel: And so I had a lot of work to do so Ross, nice guy that he is, offered
 to help me out. And then we had a little wine, we got to talking, and the next thing you
 know out of nowhere Ross comes on to me.
 Ross: (laughs) Umm that's that's a little misleading.
 Rachel: What is?
 Ross: The lie you just told.
 Rachel: That-that you came on to me?
 Ross: There's the one!
 Rachel: But you did! I mean, let's be honest.
 Ross: Yes let's. Y'know what? Uh, it's-it's not important.
 What is important is that, is that we're having a baby. And it's
 not Doesn't matter who came on to who.
 Joey: Whom. (Everyone looks at him shocked.) That's right.
 Rachel: You know you kissed me first.
 Ross: What? What?! You were begging me to kiss you! You-you-you were sending me
 signals all over the place!
 Rachel: I was sending you signals?
 Ross: Yeah!
 Rachel: Oh please. Okay, anyone in this room think that I would send Ross
 begging symbols, please show of hands. (Ross raises his hand and no one else.)
 Ross: Y'know what?! It doesn't matter! It doesn't matter what you
 believe! What matters is what happened!
 Rachel: Okay. So these signals Ross, explain this to me,  cause maybe I
 need to be more careful. I mean, am I sending you these signals right now?
 Ross: Y'know what? Y'know what? Rachel, just-just drop it.
 Rachel: No please, show me how I begged you!
 Ross: I can show you, I have it on videotape! (Stunned silence) It's an
 expression.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, time has lapsed, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Monica are
 sitting at the kitchen table.]
 Phoebe: I can't believe he taped the two of them having sex!


Joey: Yeah! You gotta tell a girl before you tape her. Such a rookie mistake.
 Chandler: Y'know who has a great video camera?
 Phoebe: (nasally) Greg and Jenny?
 Monica: Do you still wanna call  em? I wanna call  em.
 Chandler: Let's call  em.
 Joey: Yeah! Ask them if they brought their friends any souvenirs!
 (Monica goes over and dials their number.)
 Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Eighth street deli?
 Joey: Hey, hang up! You get food poisoning just talkin' to that place.
 Monica: (on phone) Uh sorry, wrong number. (Hangs up)
 Chandler: Here you go. (Shows her the number again.)
 Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) (To All) It's the deli again!
 Joey: All right! I'll have a sandwich!
 Monica: (hangs up) I don't think this number's right!
 (Joey and Phoebe laugh.)
 Chandler: What?
 Phoebe: You got fake numbered.
 Monica: What?! People don't do that!
 Joey: Oh I think we do.
 Monica: They gave us a fake number? Why? Why would they do that?
 Chandler: I don't know! You were a delight to talk to. You asked all those
 insightful, great questions.
 Monica: And you've never been funnier. Joke, joke, joke, you were a hoot!
 Joey: Y'know what? Don't worry about it, you still got me and Phoebe.
 Phoebe: Excuse me, I don't want Greg and Jenny's rejects.
 Ross: (entering) Rachel won't talk to me! She won't even open the
 door!
 Phoebe: Hmm, I wonder why. Pervert!
 Ross: Okay, listen I am not a pervert!
 Phoebe: That's like the pervert motto! Yeah! Yeah! They have you raise your
 right hand, put your left hand down your pants, and repeat that!
 Ross: Filming Rachel is not something I planned. Okay look, here's what
 happened, and Joey you-you can back me up on this. All right, about-about a month and a
 half ago I came to you with a problem? Umm, a personal thing.
 Joey: Personal thing? What personal thing? I don't know.
 Ross: About about sex? (Joey looks at him confused) That I hadn't had
 sex in months?
 Joey: (laughs) Yeah I knew what you were talkin' about.
 Six Weeks Earlier
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is reading a cereal box as Ross enters wearing the red
 sweater.]
 Ross: Hey!
 Joey: Hey.
 Ross: Do you have a minute? I'd like to talk to you about something
 I'm, I'm really uncomfortable talking about.
 Joey: Sure. What? About uh, you showering with your mom?
 Ross: I actually had a topic in mind! I'm, I'm kinda going through a
 dry spell, sex wise.
 Joey: Whoa, for like months?
 Ross: Five to be lying, six.
 Joey: Six months? Whoa that's rough.
 Ross: Well, I mean it's not all bad. I'm learning to appreciate the
 uh, smaller things in life. Like the sound of a bird and the color of the sky.
 Joey: The sky's blue Ross and I had sex yesterday!
 Ross: Please, help me! I have a date tonight. It has to go well
 okay I'm scared for my health!
 Joey: Okay. Okay. Umm Ooh! Oh-oh, I got something. It's this story I
 came up with, very romantic. I swear any woman that hears it; they're like putty.
 Ross: Really? Well then tell it to me.
 Joey: Okay. Now you're gonna want to have sex with me when you hear it, but
 you have to remember it is just the story.
 Ross: (sarcastic) I'll try to control myself.
 Joey: Okay. (Clears throat) Years ago, when I was backpacking across Western
 Europe
 Ross: (laughs) You were backpacking across Western Europe?
 Joey: Have a nice six more months Ross! (Starts to leave.)
 Ross: (stopping him) Okay! Okay! Okay. I'm sorry. Please, please, you were
 in Western Europe and?
 Joey: I was just outside Barcelona hiking in the foothills of Mount Tibidabo. I
 was at the end of this path and I came to a clearing and there was a lake, very secluded.
 And there were tall trees all around. (Whispering) It was dead silent. Gorgeous. (Softly)
 And across the lake I saw a beautiful woman bathing herself but she was
 crying
 Ross: (intently listening) Why?
 [Scene: Ross's Apartment, Ross is on his date with Kristen and they're drinking
 wine.]
 Kristen: Umm, this is great wine.
 Ross: It's from France In Europe Western Europe. Y'know umm,
 a few years ago I actually was backpacking across Western Europe.
 Kristen: Really?
 Ross: Uh-hmm Wait! It gets better. Um, yeah I was in Barcelona.
 Kristen: I studied for a year in Barcelona. (Ross is stunned and worried.)
 Ross: Anyway, umm so I was um, I was hiking
 Kristen: I love hiking!
 Ross: (whines) Oh that's great! I was hiking along the foothills of Mount
 Tibidaybo
 Kristen: I think its Tibidabo.
 Ross: Okay! Do you wanna tell the story?!
 [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is standing at the counter as Ross enters.]
 Joey: Whoa! What are you doing here? How did your date go?
 Ross: Great! I'm across the street having sex with her right now. Your
 story sucks!


Joey: Hey! Look, if it didn't work it's because you didn't tell
 it right! Show me how you did it.
 Ross: No! No, I don't don't want to.
 Joey: How long since you've seen a girl naked?
 Ross: I was backpacking across Western Europe.
 Joey: I'm not feeling it.
 Ross: I was just outside Barcelona, hiking
 Joey: No! No! No Ross! I'm not hot! Are you hot?
 Ross: It's been six months! I'm always hot!
 Joey: Well you're not selling the story! It's like; it's like you
 don't believe it! Look, I gotta go. I got a date, but try this. Do what I do when
 I'm preparing for an audition. Okay? I'll set you up with my video camera and
 you can record yourself and-and see what you're doing wrong.
 Ross: I'll try that.
 Joey: All right now  All right, you're all set up. You're good to
 go. Just hit record. All right?
 Ross: Thanks.
 Joey: Good luck.
 Ross: Thanks. And-and hey Joe?
 Joey: Yeah?
 Ross: Listen, if you ever have any problem with the ladies you know I'll
 help you out.
 Joey: (trying not to laugh) That means a lot to me man. (Exits.)
 (Ross pours himself a glass of wine, hits record, and sits down in front of the
 camera.)
 Ross: Hello! Can I get you anything? Huh? Lens cleaner? Your battery okay?
 (Rachel bursts in carrying two boxes and Ross jumps up.) Rachel!
 Rachel: Oh Ross!
 Ross: Hi!
 Rachel: Thank God you're here! You have to help me! Were you just talking
 to yourself?
 Ross: That's less embarrassing, yes. Yes I was.
 (They sit down on the couch, which is in front of the still recording camera.)
 Ross: (voiceover) So when she came in, I got distracted and totally forgot about
 the camera. [Cut back to the present day.] It kept rolling and recorded everything.
 (Pause)
 Chandler: Yeah, we're gonna need to see that tape. (They rest of them
 agree.)
 Monica: Yeah, definitely.
 Ross: What a great idea! That will get Rachel to forgive me!
 Joey: Y'know what? This is not fair to her. Let's just forget the
 tape!
 Ross: Thank you. (Joey mouths to Ross, 'You'll show me right?')
 No!
 Joey: You're right. (Mouths, 'I know you'll show me, right?)
 Ross: Joey! No!
 Joey: Loud and clear! (Mouths, 'You'll show me,' and nods.)
 (Ross storms out.)
 [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are now sitting in
 the living room.]
 Monica: I still don't get why Greg and Jenny would give us a fake number.
 Joey: Y'know, if they knew what they were doing they probably didn't
 give you real names either.
 Monica: Okay, maybe people give out fake numbers, but they don't give out
 fake names.
 Joey: Oh yeah? (To Phoebe) Hi, Ken Adams, nice to meet you.
 Phoebe: Regina Philange. (Ken and Regina shake hands.)
 Chandler: I still don't get it, we didn't do anything wrong.
 Monica: I know! Although, you did tell an awful lot of jokes.
 Chandler: I thought you said those jokes were funny. Joke! Joke! Joke!
 Monica: (rolling her head from side to side) Joke. Joke. Blah! Blah! (Joey and
 Phoebe laugh.)
 Chandler: Well maybe it was all of your questions.
 Monica: What about my questions?
 Chandler: The sheer volume, it was like flying with the Riddler!
 Monica: Oh, I'm sorry. Was that another joke?
 Chandler: (angrily) Was that another question?
 Rachel: (entering) Hey! Is Ross still here?
 Joey: Uh no Rach, he's gone. But listen, he told us what happened and it
 does, it sounds like an honest mistake.
 Rachel: Oh really? Well how would you like it if I had sex with you and I taped
 it? (Joey smiles luridly) Oh forget it! (Ross enters.) Oh there he is now, the father of
 my child, the porn king of the west village.
 Ross: Look, it was accident! Okay? I-I feel bad that it happened, but I swear, I
 didn't even watch it! Anyway, here. (He takes the tape out of his coat pocket.) I
 thought you might be more comfortable destroying it yourself. (Tosses her the tape.)
 Rachel: Thank you. (She sets it on the floor and is about to stomp on it with
 her shoe when the rest of the gang jumps up and yells simultaneously.) What? (They all
 yell again.) You don't want to see this do you?
 Monica: Hell yeah!!!
 Rachel: I am not gonna show you this!
 Phoebe: No! Not the sex part, just the stuff leading up to it.
 Ross: Forget it, she's destroying it.
 Phoebe: Okay fine! Fine! We'll just have to think of some other way to put
 the whole  Who came onto who,' thing to rest! Come on now, think!!
 Ross: Look, forget it Phoebe. Okay? It's Rachel's tape and she can do
 whatever she wants with it. And she wants to destroy it. So, end of story.
 Rachel: I wanna see it.