Phoebe: Wow. So, okay, maybe that means that, you're not over Ross yet and
 you have issues with your father.
 Rachel: I don't have any issues with my Father.
 Phoebe: Okay, so it's probably just the Ross thing then.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is telling Chandler about Kate.]
 Joey: I hate this woman!! I hate her! She told everyone in the company about
 that info-mercial, and now they all keep asking me to open their drinks. Okay, and
 whenever I can't do it, they're all like-like laughing at me.
 Ross: (entering) Hello.
 Chandler and Joey: Hey!
 Ross: So Rachel called. Wants to see me. Going over in a minute.
 Joey: Wow, what-what do you think she wants?
 Ross: Well, maybe the crazy fog has lifted and she realises that life without
 me.... a-sucks.
 Chandler: It's possible. You are very loveable, I'd miss you if I
 broke up with you. (Ross glares at him) I was just trying to be supportive.
 Ross: Then be supportive like a guy.
 Chandler: (in a deep voice) If I broke up with you, I'd miss you.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is there as Ross enters, walking very confidently.]
 Ross: Hi.
 Rachel: Hi!
 Ross: You ah, wanted to see me?
 Rachel: Yeah. Ahh, here's a box of your stuff. (hands him a box)
 Ross: What?!
 Rachel: Oh, y'know, it's just like hats, and a shirt, and CD's, just
 sort of stuff that you've left here.
 Ross: What are you doing? Are you trying to hurt me? Or something?
 Rachel: No. Ross, it, it just seems that y'know it's time we-we y'know,
 move on. I mean, I mean don't' you think?
 Ross: Yes.
 Rachel: Yeah?
 Ross: Yes, I do.
 Rachel: Good.
 Ross: Yeah, I-I really do. (takes a dinosaur mug out of the box) Hey! This-this
 was a gift?!
 Rachel: Ross, you got that for free from the museum gift shop.
 Ross: It's still a gift! I got it from the gift shop!
 Rachel: Okay, all right, give me the mug! I'll keep the mug.
 Ross: No!! Y'know-y'know don't do me any favours. In fact, where,
 where's the rest of my stuff?! Huh? Like-like my umm, (picks up a book) Hey, this
 book is mine!! And-and-and, and that T-shirt you sleep in? I'd like that back too.
 Yes, I do.
 Rachel: You know how much I love that T-shirt! You never even where that
 T-shirt!
 Ross: I'm just trying to help you, move on.
 Rachel: Oh, you are a petty man. You are a petty, petty....
 Ross: Petty...
 Rachel: Petty... (goes into her room)
 Ross: Petty...
 Rachel: Petty...
 Ross: Petty...
 Rachel: Small...
 Ross: Small... (Rachel comes back into the living room and catches Ross mocking
 her.)
 Rachel: You are so just doing this out of spite.
 Ross: Awwwahuh, no, no, no!!
 Rachel: Huh?
 Ross: I'm-I'm gonna wear this all the time! I love this shirt!! (he
 kisses the shirt)
 Rachel: You have not worn that T-shirt since you were 15!! It doesn't even
 fit you anymore!
 Ross: Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah...
 Rachel: (imitating him) yeah-yeah-yeah!!
 Ross: Oh-oh, okay, okay! (He quickly takes off his sweater in order to put on
 the T-shirt. It's an old  Frankie says relax' T-shirt, that barely fits
 him. Rachel nods her head in approval of the new look.) If you don't mind I'm
 gonna the rest of my stuff, and relax, in my favourite shirt. (Starts to leave) You have a
 pleasant evening. (He exits and leaves the door open.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, the gang minus Rachel and Ross are talking to Pete.]
 Phoebe: So, you're like a zillionaire? (Pete smiles and nods)
 Chandler: And you're our age. You're our age.
 Phoebe: Y'know what, you should like, you should buy a state and then just name
 it after yourself.
 Pete: What like Pete Dakota?
 Phoebe: Yeah, or, or, or, Mississ-Pete.
 Joey: Oh, oh, I got it! Pete-Chicago.
 Chandler: That's not a state Joe.
 Joey: Oh, and Mississ-Pete is?
 Pete: I got to go, so ah, I'll see you guys later.
 All: Okay.
 Chandler: You're our age!
 Pete: (to Monica, by the door) So ah, we on for tomorrow?
 Monica: Absolutely! (He goes to kiss her, but she stops him and rubs his head
 and says...) Now get out of here you!! (Pete leaves) (to the gang) Okay, I'm running
 out of places I can touch him! Look, is there something wrong with me? I mean why am I
 only attracted to guys where there's no future? Either they're too old, or
 they're too young, and then there's Pete who's-who's crazy about me,
 and who's absolutely perfect for me, and there's like zip going on! I mean,
 seriously, does it sound like something's wrong with me?!
 Phoebe: Yeah, kinda.
 [Scene: The Theatre, Joey and Kate are rehearsing for the play.]
 Kate: Happy?! Is that what I'm supposed to be Vic? Happy?


Joey: Well, why don't you tell me what you're supposed to be! Huh?
 Because I sure as hell can't figure it out! I talk to you and nothin'. You look
 at me, and it's nothin'. (He kisses her) Nothing.
 The Director: Tasty! I'm really starting to feel like you guys have a
 history, it's-it's nice.
 Kate: I have a question about this scene.
 The Director: Yes?
 Kate: Well, I don't understand why Adrienne's attracted to Victor.
 The Director: Peel the onion. First of all, he's good looking.
 Joey: Yeah.
 Kate: I think my character's gonna need a little bit more of reason than
 that.
 Joey: Oh, hey, how about this one. Ah, it's says so in the script! Y'know
 ah, I-I don't know why my character likes you either, I mean it says in the script
 here that you're a bitch.
 Kate: It doesn't say that in the script.
 Joey: It does in mine!
 [Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Ross are returning from working out.]
 Chandler: I can blow dry it. I can put gel on it. It doesn't matter, I
 still wind up with this little (pats the flat spot on the back of his head) cowlicky thing
 on the middle part of my head. It's so annoying. Does it bug you?
 Ross: You bug me.
 [Rachel comes out of her apartment, followed by Mark, and they leave on their date,
 without saying a word to Ross. Ross is stunned.]
 Chandler: Is there any chance you didn't see that?
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching a basketball game, Ross is staring
 out the peephole.]
 Chandler: Ross! You gotta stop! Okay?! You can't just stare through the
 peep hole for three hours! You're gonna get peep eye!
 Ross: I knew it! I knew it! I always knew she liked him! Y'know, she'd say
 no, but here we are! Right? We just broke up, first thing she does!
 Chandler: You didn't just break up.
 Ross: Hey, it's been like three weeks!
 Chandler: You slept with somebody three hours after you thought you broke up. I
 mean bullets have left guns slower!
 Ross: Here they come, here they come. Oh-ho, if she kisses him goodnight,
 I'm gonna kill myself, I swear. I can't, I can't watch this. (turns away,
 then quickly turns to look again) Come on, date over! Date over! Uh-oh, here we go,
 she's going in.
 Chandler: Okay.
 Ross: She's going in. Wait! He's going in! He's going in!! The
 door's closed! I, I can't see anything but the door closed!!
 Chandler: And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave.
 Ross: Okay, I have to do something. I mean, I have, I have to stop it!
 Chandler: Stop what?!
 Ross: I don't know, but I ah, I have the feeling that my being there will
 do it. I'll go over and I will borrow something. Juice!! I need juice!!
 (He starts to exit, but Chandler tries to stop him by climbing on his back and grabbing
 hold of the foosball table.)
 Chandler: No!! You can't!!
 Ross: Look, they must be stopped!
 Chandler: I am your friend, and I am not gonna let you do this!!
 (Ross is now dragging Chandler and the foosball table to the door) You are surprisingly
 strong!
 Ross: I need juice! People need juice!!
 Chandler: Look man!
 Ross: People need juice!
 Chandler: Listen to me!! (Chandler turns him around and closes and holds the
 door shut with his feet.)
 Ross: Juice, I need...
 Chandler: She's moving on! Okay, if it's not this guy, it's gonna
 be somebody else! And unless you're thinking about subletting my peep hole, you
 are going to have to get used to the fact that the relationship is over! Okay, man?
 It's over.
 Ross: Yeah, okay.
 Chandler: Okay.
 Ross: It's just I miss her so much.
 Chandler: I know. (He rubs Ross's head)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is pouring Mark some coffee.]
 Mark: Why do all you're coffee mugs have numbers on the bottom?
 Rachel: Oh. That's so Monica can keep track. That way if one on them is
 missing, she can be like,  Where's number 27?!'
 (She sits down, and Mark leans over and kisses her. Rachel doesn't react. He tries
 it again, and Rachel jumps back quickly.)
 Rachel: Y'know what?
 Mark: No. And I don't think I'm gonna want to.
 Rachel: I can't do this.
 Mark: Yep. Yep, that's what I didn't want to know.
 Rachel: Well, oh, Mark, I'm doing this for the wrong reasons, y'know?
 I'm just doing it to get back at Ross. I'm sorry, it's not very fair to
 you.
 Mark: Ahh! Fair, schmair! Y'know? Look, if you want to get back at Ross, I am
 here for you. Really? No-no, I say-I say, I say we get back at him right on this couch.
 Right here!
 Rachel: Oh God. I'm sorry about this.
 Mark: That's okay.


Rachel: You sure?
 Mark: Yeah. I can just go home and get back at him by myself.
 [Scene: A Hospital Reception, Monica and Pete are there.]
 Spokeswoman: ...has become the penicillin of the twenty-first century. And so
 today, this hospital is about to take major steps toward leading that revolution. It is
 truly ironic, on one hand consider the size...
 Pete: (to Monica) Hey, can I ask you something?
 Monica: Sure.
 Pete: Where are we?
 Monica: (looks around) Well, with all these doctors and nurses, I'm gonna
 say, midget rodeo.
 Pete: Just tell me the truth.
 Monica: Okay. Umm, y'know, I don't think, I don't think I told you
 this, but umm, I just got out of a really serious relationship.
 Pete: Oh, yeah. Wasn't that like a year ago?
 Monica: So I did tell you. Okay, y'know, that really isn't the thing. Umm,
 the thing is that, right now I'm just in a place in my life where I need to focus on
 me. Y'know what I mean?
 Pete: Oh, yeah. I know that.
 Monica: I so wanna be attracted to you.
 Pete: But you're not. Okay, good.
 Monica: I'm sorry.
 Pete: Y'know what, don't be. This is not, don't be,  cause
 it's not so bad.
 Monica: It's not?
 Pete: I know I'm no John Bon Jovi, (Monica laughs) or someone
 who find attractive, I'm just, I think, y'know, that you might end up feeling
 differently.
 Monica: Well, um, look I-I don't want this to come our wrong, but ah, you
 seem awfully confident for a guy I just told I wasn't attracted too.
 Pete: Yeah, stupidly charming isn't' it? Well listen let's, you
 wanna get something to eat?  Cause this place is kinda depressing. (they start
 to leave)
 Spokeswoman: And the man who made all this possible... Mr. Peter Becker.
 Pete: (to Monica) One second.
 (He takes the scissors, cuts the ribbon, shakes her hand, posses for the picture, and
 leaves.)
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is sitting in one of the black chairs, and turns
 to face the other one.]
 Chandler: I don't think this town is big enough for both of us to relax in.
 (He blows on his hand) Draw!! (He quickly pulls the lever to raise the foot rest, like a
 gunfighter in a Western.)
 (Joey enters.)
 Chandler: (to Joey) I wasn't doing anything. (Joey starts angrily throwing
 his stuff down.) Uh-oh, what did she do now?
 Joey: Just because she went to Yale drama, she thinks she's like the
 greatest actress since, since, sliced bread!
 Chandler: Ah, Sliced Bread, a wonderful Lady MacBeth.
 Joey: God, I just, I hate her! I hate her!! With her,  Oh, I'm so
 talented.' and  Oh, I'm so pretty,' and  Ooh, I smell so
 good.'
 Chandler: I think somebody has a crush on somebody.
 Joey: Hey, Chandler, can we please stay focused on my problem here?! Y'know?
 Chandler: I'm talking about you. You big, big freak.
 Joey: Oh. (realises) Ohh. Ohh, you're out of your mind.
 Chandler: Hey, you have nothing but talk about her for the last 48 hours! If you
 were in a school yard you'd be pulling her pigtails and pushing her down now!
 Joey: Oh, yeah?! Then how come I keep thinking about her in all these sexual
 scenarios and stuff huh?!
 [Scene: The Theatre, Kate and Joey are rehearsing the same scene as before.]
 Kate: Happy?! Is that what I'm supposed to be Vic? Happy?
 Joey: Well, why don't you tell me what you're supposed to be! Huh?
 Because I sure as hell can't figure it out! I talk to you and it's nothin'.
 You look at me, and nothin'. (He kisses her, more passionately this time) Nothing.
 The Director: You guys make me fly! High! Okay, we're gonna pick it up
 here, tomorrow.
 Kate: Well, that was ah...
 Joey: Better?
 Kate: Yeah! Yeah, it was definitely an improvement. G'night.
 Joey: Ah, Kate?
 Kate: Yeah?
 Joey: You ah, you forgot your shoes.
 Kate: (she giggles) I'm probably gonna need those. Huh? (she giggles some
 more)
 Joey: Hey, listen you ah....
 Kate: Hmm?
 Joey: ...feel like getting a cup of coffee?
 Kate: Umm.
 The Director: (leaning in) Kate?
 Kate: Yep.
 The Director: You ready to go?
 Kate: Yeah.
 The Director: (to Joey) Very nice. Very nice. (he walks away)
 Kate: So umm, I'll see you tomorrow, huh?
 Joey: Yeah, yeah sure, goodnight.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is in the kitchen chopping vegetables. Chandler and
 Phoebe are sitting in the living room.]
 Phoebe: (to Chandler) Hey! (Chandler looks up, startled) Why isn't it
 Spiderman? Y'know like Goldman, Silverman...
 Chandler:  Cause it's-it's not his last name.
 Phoebe: It isn't?
 Chandler: No, it's not like, like Phil Spiderman. He's a spider, man.
 Y'know like ah, like Goldman is a last name, but there's no Gold Man.
 Phoebe: Oh, okay. There should be Gold Man!


 The One With The Dollhouse
 The One With The Dollhouse
 Written by: Wil Calhoun
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey are there.]
 Chandler: Wait a minute, wait. You're telling me this actress person is the
 only woman you ever wanted who didn't want you back?!
 Joey: Yeah! Oh my God! (to Chandler) Is this what it's like to be you?
 Monica: Wow, you're really crazy about her, huh?
 Joey: Oh, you have no idea. And-and when we're on stage I get to-to kiss
 her and-and touch her, but then she goes home with the director, and it's like
 somebody's ripping out my heart!
 Phoebe: Oh, it's so great to see you feeling like this!
 Ross: (entering) Hey!
 All: Hey!
 Ross: Monica, uh Dad called this morning and ah, Aunt Silvia passed away.
 Monica: Yes!! Yes! Yeah, yeah, yeah!
 Ross: We were all pretty shaken up about it.
 Phoebe: Wait, am I missing something though?  Cause I thought death was
 something that's supposed to be sad, in a way.
 Ross: Well ah, Aunt Silvia was, well not a nice person.
 Monica: Oh, she was a cruel, cranky, old bitch! (Ross gives her a look) (to
 Ross) And I'm sorry she died. Did Dad say I get the dollhouse?
 Ross: You get the dollhouse.
 Monica: I get the dollhouse!
 Phoebe: Wow, a house for dolls, that is so cool! When I was kid, I had a barrel.
 Joey: Uh, Pheebs, you had a barrel for a dollhouse?
 Phoebe: No, just a barrel.
 Monica: Y'know what, you can play with my dollhouse.
 Phoebe: Really?! Really?!
 Monica: Any time you want. Y'know, when I was younger, all I wanted to do was to
 play with this dollhouse, but no!! It was to be looked at, but never played with.
 Chandler: My Grandmother used to say that exact same thing to me.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Rachel's office, Chandler and her are coming back from lunch.]
 Rachel: Hey, Sophie!
 Sophie: Hey, Rach!
 Chandler: Hey.
 Sophie: Hey.
 Rachel: Thanks for lunch, Chandler. Y'know, you didn't have to walk me all
 the way back up here.
 Chandler: Oh, that's-that's okay, no problem. (He starts to look
 around her office.)
 Rachel: Honey um, honey, you do realise that we don't keep the women's
 lingerie here in the office?
 Chandler: Yes, I realise that.
 Rachel: Summer catalogue! (hands him the catalogue)
 Chandler: That's the stuff! (quickly grabs it)
 [Rachel's boss, Joanna, enters]
 Joanna: Rachel, I need the Versachi invoice. (to Chandler) Hello! You
 don't work for me.
 Rachel: (introduces them) Joanna, this is my friend Chandler Bing (to Chandler)
 Joanna.
 Joanna: Bing! That's a great name.
 Chandler: Thanks, it's ah, Gaelic, for  Thy turkey's done.'
 So ah, I'm gonna go, nice, nice meeting you.
 Joanna: Me too.
 Rachel: Bye, Chandler.
 Joanna: (to Rachel) So ah, what's wrong with him?
 Rachel: Oh, nothing, he's just goofy like that, I actually, hardly notice
 it anymore.
 Joanna: Oh no, no-no-no, is he ah, married, or involved with anyone?
 Rachel: No!! No! He's not married, or involved, with anyone!
 Joanna: Oh, Rachel, (pause) actually, y'know what, forget it.
 Rachel: Well, I'll ask him for you, if you want me too?
 Joanna: Would you? Or, is it just to sad and desperate, and y'know something
 that Sophie would do?
 Sophie: Uh, uh, uh, I am here.
 Joanna: I know that.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is showing off her new dollhouse. It's a huge
 dollhouse, that takes up the entire living room table.]
 Monica: Look at it! Ohhh! Wallpaper's a little faded, that's okay.
 Carpet's a little loose. Hardwood floors!!
 Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
 Chandler: Hello.
 Phoebe: Oh! Ooh! Oh Monica! It's so beautiful.
 Monica: I know!!!
 Phoebe: So, I'm here, ready to play.
 Monica: Okay.
 Phoebe: I brought a bunch of stuff for the house, so check it out. Ha-ha. (She
 removes this large ceramic dog that comes up to the second floor and places it next to the
 house.)
 Monica: What's this?
 Phoebe: That's a dog, every house should have a dog.
 Monica: Not one that can pee on the roof.
 Phoebe: Well, maybe it's so big because the house was built on radioactive
 waste.
 Chandler: (holding a tissue) And is this in case the house sneezes?
 Phoebe: No, no, that's the ghost for the attic.
 Monica: I don't want a ghost.
 Phoebe: Well, nobody wants a ghost. But you've got one, because the house
 is sitting on an ancient Indian burial ground.
 Ross: Wait a minute, the house was built on radioactive waste, and an ancient
 Indian burial ground? That would never happen.
 Phoebe: Okay, obviously you don't know much about the U.S. government.
 Rachel: (entering) Hey!
 All: Hello.
 Rachel: I need to talk to you!
 Ross: Sure, what's up?
 Rachel: Oh, sorry. I meant Chandler.


Ross: I-I know. Well if something comes up... (walks away)
 Chandler: Oh, I'm glad you guys are past that little awkward phase.
 Rachel: Okay, my boss, Joanna, when you left, she started asking questions about
 you...
 Chandler: Oh-ho, liked what she saw, huh? Dug my action, did she? Checkin'
 out the Chan-Chan man!
 Rachel: (looks at him) That was (pause) surreal. Okay, what do think? Are you
 interested at all?
 Chandler: Yeah, she seemed cool, attractive. I'll do it.
 Rachel: Oh thank you, Chandler, this is so great, she's gonna love me.
 Phoebe: (holding a dinosaur) Okay, dinosaur attack!! Quick, everybody into the
 house!! Ahh-ahh! (the dinosaur starts attacking the house. She starts to bark like a dog.)
 Roof! Rrroof-roof-roof!
 Monica: Okay, Phoebe, y'know what? That-that's it, that's it, all
 right? No dinosaurs, no ghosts, no giant dogs, okay? They're not the right size,
 they're not Victorian, and they just don't go.
 Phoebe: Okay, (starts to pack up her stuff) fine. Come dinosaur, we're not
 welcome in the house of no imagination.
 Ross: Uh, Pheebs, while we're hovering around the subject. I just have to
 say dinosaurs, they-they don't go, rrroof!
 Phoebe: The little ones do.
 [Scene: The Theatre, Joey and Kate are getting ready to rehearse the play.]
 Joey: Hey, Kate!
 Kate: Morning.
 Joey: Listen, I ah, went to that restaurant that you were talking about last
 week...
 The Director: Hey, lovely! Come, talk to me a minute! (she goes over to him)
 Joey: (to himself) And I ate the food, I had the fish, it was good, yeah. It was
 good, yeah...
 Woman: Hi, oh, I'm Lauren, Kate's understudy.
 Joey: Oh, hey! Joey Tribbiani.
 Lauren: I know! I-I'm a big fan of yours.
 Joey: (looks at her, shocked) What?!
 Lauren: I used to umm, schedule my classes so I could watch Dr. Drake Remoray on
 Days of Our Lives.
 Joey: Get out of here, really?!
 Lauren: Absolutely!
 Joey: Yeah?
 Lauren: Oh but then, they went and dropped you down that elevator shaft.
 Joey: They gave me the shaft all right.
 Lauren: (laughing) Oh, you're so funny. Listen, umm, what are you doing
 after rehearsals? Do you want to get a drink, or something?
 Joey: Well Ahh, (he sees Kate and the director kissing) yeah! Yeah, sure, a
 drink sounds great.
 Lauren: Cool! I-I'll see you then.
 Joey: All right.
 The Director: All right, it's time to act, my talking props. (Both Joey and
 Kate just look at each other.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering with her own dollhouse, that she made
 herself.]
 Phoebe: Hey!
 All: Hey!
 Phoebe: Look everybody, look at my new dollhouse!!
 Rachel: Wow!!
 Phoebe: Look, look! (She lifts up the roof, and the front panel falls revealing
 the interior.)
 Ross: Hey, what's this?!
 Phoebe: Oh, okay, it's the slide instead of stairs. Watch this. (She slides
 a doll down the slide)
 Monica: It's very interesting, Phoebe.
 Rachel: What's this?
 Phoebe: The Licorice Room, you can eat all the furniture. And, when guests come
 over, they can stay on the tootsie roll-away bed.
 Ross: This is the coolest house ever!!
 (Monica is looking on with a hurt expression on her face.)
 Phoebe: Hey, does anybody want to join me in the aroma room? (lights some
 incense)
 Rachel: All right!
 Ross: I would!
 Monica: Hey, guys, guys, did you see my new, china cabinet?!
 Ross and Rachel: Uh-huh.
 Phoebe: Watch, watch. (She turns a strand of Christmas lights strung around the
 house.)
 Ross and Rachel: Ooohhhh!!
 Phoebe: And, and! (She turns on a bubble maker.)
 Ross and Rachel: Ahhhh!!
 Chandler: (entering) Hey, my Father's house does that!
 Rachel: (to Chandler) O-o-o-okay, how did it go? Tell me everything.
 Chandler: Well, the movie was great, dinner was great, and there's nothing
 like a cool, crisp New York evening.
 Rachel: Hmm.
 Chandler: Of course, I didn't get to enjoy any of that, because
 Joanna's such a big, dull dud!
 [Scene: Rachel's office, Joanna's telling Rachel, her side of the story.]
 Joanna: Chandler is fantastic!!
 Rachel: What?!
 Joanna: Oh God, we just clicked! Y'know how people just click? Like he came
 by to pick me up, and I opened the door, and it was just like, click! Did he tell you?
 Rachel: Oh, I....
 Joanna: Oh, and he's got such a good heart! Doesn't he have a good
 heart?
 Rachel: Oh, I know...
 Joanna: Oh, I know and he's soo sweet! Listen, he said he was going to
 call, so put him straight through.
 Sophie: Isn't this great?!
 Joanna: Don't spoil it.
 [Scene: The Theatre, Joey and Kate are rehearsing.]
 Joey: Come on baby, don't go. Please? What do you say?
 [A phone rings.]
 The Director: (answering the phone) Hello. Oh! It's you. Just ah, just
 one-one sec. (to Joey and Kate) I am going to take this call. When I continue, I hope that
 there will appear on stage this magical thing that in the theatre we call, committing
 to the moment! (He goes to take the call.)


Joey: (to Kate) That guy's like a cartoon. What do you see in him anyway?
 Kate: He happens to be brilliant. Which is more than I can say for that sweater
 you're dating.
 Joey: Hey, I'm not interested in her sweater! It's what's
 underneath her sweater that counts. And besides, since ah, since when do you care who
 I'm going out with?
 Kate: I don't care. Why, do you want me to care?
 Joey: Do you want me to want you to care?
 Kate: Do you?
 Joey: What?
 The Director: (returning) Okay, I'm afraid to say this, but let's pick
 it up where we left off.
 [They resume rehearsing.]
 Joey: Come on baby, don't go. Please? What do you say?
 Kate: I've got no reason to stay.
 (Joey grabs her and kisses her.)
 The Director: Stop!! Stop it! You must stop! You are bad actors! This is a
 terrible play! I'll see you in the morning. (exits)
 Kate: I can't believe we go on in, in a week.
 Joey: Hey, it's gonna be all right.
 Lauren: (to Joey) Hey! So since we're getting off early, do you want to go
 and paint mugs?
 Joey: What?
 Lauren: You know! At the place I told you about last night?
 Joey: Oh, yeah, with the mug painting. Yeah. I was so listening to that. But ah,
 y'know what, I think I kinda need to work on my stuff tonight.
 Lauren: Oh, okay.
 Joey: Okay. (he gives her a peck on the cheek)
 Lauren: I'll see you tomorrow. (she kisses him full on the mouth.)
 Joey: Okay.
 Lauren: G'night. (exits)
 Joey: (to Kate) Ah, are you okay?
 Kate: Yeah, I guess. Look, what are we gonna do about this scene, huh?
 Joey: I don't know.
 Kate: Well umm, maybe if it had more heat.
 Joey: How do you mean?
 Kate: Well, Adrian's looking for a reason to stay, right? Victor can't
 just kiss her, he's gotta, gotta really give her a reason, y'know?
 Joey: Maybe he could slip her the tongue.
 Kate: Or maybe, maybe he could grab her, and, and, and, and lift her up.
 Joey: Yeah, yeah, and then Adrian, she maybe she could wrap her legs around his
 waist.
 Kate: And then she could rip off his shirt and kiss his chest, and, and his
 stomach!
 Joey: And then, then he could use his teeth, his teeth to undo her dress, and,
 and, and bite her!
 Kate: And then right, right when the scene ends, he could take her with this
 raw, animal....
 [cut to Joey's bedroom, Joey and Kate are emerging from under the covers.]
 Joey: Something like that?
 Kate: Yeah, that's pretty much what I had in mind.
 Joey: Yeah.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Monica are eating breakfast as Joey enters, very
 happily.]
 Joey: (to Ross) Hey.
 Ross: Hi.
 Joey: (to Monica) Hey.
 (He walks up behind Monica and gives her a big hug and a kiss on the neck.)
 Ross: Hi.
 Joey: Hey.
 (He walks over behind Ross, thinks about it for a moment, and gives him a big hug.)
 Ross: It's a little early to be drinkin'.
 Joey: No-no, things ah, finally happened with Kate.
 Ross: Ohhhhh!
 Monica: You're kidding?! That's great!
 Joey: Oh, it was so amazing. After the (pause) love making...
 Monica: Oh my.
 Joey: Yep. I just, I just watched her sleep for like hours, just breathing in
 and breathing out. And then I knew she was dreaming  cause,  cause her eyes keep
 going like this. (He closes his eyes and moves them around, kinda like he's been
 processed by the devil, or something.)
 Chandler: (entering with Rachel) I'm telling ya, Joanna's got it all
 wrong. Okay? All I said was,  This was fun. Let's do it again sometime.
 I'll give you a call.'
 Rachel: Ohh, gee. I wonder why she thinks you're going to call her?
 Chandler: That's what you say at the end of a date.
 Rachel: You can't just say,  Nice to meet you, good night?'
 Chandler: To her face? Look it's the end of the date, I'm standing
 there, I know all she's waiting for is for me to say  I'll call her'
 and it's just y'know, comes out. I can't help it, it's a compulsion.
 Monica: Come on Rach, when a guy says he's going to call, it doesn't
 mean he's going to call. Hasn't it ever happened to you?
 Rachel: Well, they always called.
 Monica: Hmm, bite me.
 [Scene: Rachel's office.]
 Joanna: (entering) Did he call?
 Rachel: No. Sorry.
 Joanna: Why?! Why?! He said he'd call. Why hasn't he called?
 Sophie: Maybe he's intimated by really smart, strong, successful women.
 Joanna: Sophie, would you please climb out of my butt. Why hasn't he
 called, Rachel? Why?
 Rachel: Okay, okay. Umm, well ah, maybe he, maybe he feels awkward because you
 are my boss.
 Joanna: Awkward? Why should he feel awkward?


Rachel: Well...
 Joanna: The only person that should feel awkward is you, and you didn't
 tell him not to call me, did you?
 Rachel: No. I...
 Joanna: Because if you feel uncomfortable with your friend dating someone you
 work for, there are always ways to fix...that.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is reading a magazine as Rachel approaches.]
 Rachel: (grabbing the magazine out of his hands) Call her! Call her now!
 Chandler: Multiple, so many paper cuts.
 Rachel: Why hasn't he called Rachel? Why? Why? I don't understand.
 Why? He said he'll call. Why? Why? Chandler I'm telling you she has flipped out,
 she's gone crazy!
 Chandler: (sarcastic) Oh, well give me the phone then.
 Rachel: Come on, this isn't funny. She thinks it's my fault that you
 haven't called her. You have to call her!
 Chandler: Look, you can't call somebody after this long just to say,
  In case you didn't notice, I don't like you!'
 Rachel: Well then you're going to have to take her out again.
 Chandler: Nooo!! She's really dull! And she gets this gross mascara goop
 thing in the corner of her eye!
 Rachel: I don't care! I don't care! You are going to have to take her
 out again and end it, and end it in way that she knows it's actually ended. And, I
 don't care how hard it is for you, do not tell her that you will call her again!
 Chandler: All right! Fine! But it's just a lunch date, no more than an
 hour! And from now on I get my own dates, I don't want you setting me up with anybody
 ever again!
 Rachel: That's fine!
 Chandler: That's just a lot of big talk, y'know.
 Rachel: I know.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.]
 Ross: Mon?
 Monica: (from the bathroom) I'm in the shower!
 [He closes the door and walks over to get something from the fridge. He starts to smell
 something and turns around to see Phoebe's dollhouse smoking. He runs over and takes
 off the roof to reveal that the dollhouse fire.]
 Ross: Oh, fire! There, there's a fire! Fire!!
 [He tries to blow it out, and obviously, it doesn't work. He runs over to the sink
 to get a glass of water to put out the fire, but since Monica is in the shower the water
 pressure is very low and takes a long time to fill the glass. In desperation he takes the
 half full glass over and dumps it on the fire, it doesn't work. He then picks up the
 dollhouse and considers bringing it over to the sink, but decides to take it into the
 bathroom and use the shower to put it out. He kicks open the door and we hear Monica
 scream at the top of her lungs.]
 [Scene: The Theatre, Kate is arriving for rehearsal.]
 Joey: Hey.
 Kate: Hi.
 Joey: So I ah, talked to Lauren, kinda told her how things were with us. Did you
 ah, did you talk to Marshall?
 Kate: About what?
 Joey: Y'know, about what happened with us.
 Kate: Nooo. And there's really no reason he should find out, so ah
 let's not make a big deal about it, okay?
 Joey: What are you talking about? It was a big deal. I mean, come on you
 can't tell me last night didn't mean something to you. I-I was there,
 you're not that good an actress.
 Kate: Look umm, I, I was, I was just caught up in the moment. That's all it
 was. Joey, I'm-I'm sorry you feel bad, but haven't you ever sleep with a
 women where it meant more to her than it did to you?
 Joey: Nooo.
 Lauren: (entering) Hi, Kate!
 Kate: Hi, Lauren.
 Joey: Hi, Lauren.
 Lauren: Hi, pig!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross are inspecting the damage to the
 dollhouse.]
 Ross: Sorry I ah, I scared you in there.
 Monica: Oh, that's okay. By the way, I was just checking the shower
 massager.
 Ross: Yeah.
 Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
 Monica: (runs over to her) I tried to reach you at work. There's....been a
 fire.
 Phoebe: What?! Oh my... (sees the remains of the house) Oh my God!! What
 happened?!
 Ross: Well, we believe it originated here. (He uses a pointer and points to the
 point of origin.) In the Aroma Room.
 Phoebe: All right. Did everyone get out okay?
 Monica: Well, the giraffe's okay. And so is the pirate.
 Phoebe: Ohh. What is this? (She sees a tissue covering something, and moves to
 remove it.)
 Ross: No Phoebe, don't look! You don't want to see what's under
 there!!
 Phoebe: (She pauses to ready herself, and removes the tissue.) Ohh, the-the
 Foster puppets!
 (She picks up a charred piece of plastic that once was the Foster puppets, and starts
 to break down. Monica goes over and comforts her.)
 [Scene: Rachel's office, Chandler and Joanna are returning from their lunch date.
 He is telling her about her mascara problem. Rachel is already there.]


 The One With A Chick. And A Duck
 The One With A Chick. And A Duck
 Written by: Chris Brown
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Outside Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are helping Monica learn
 how to roller skate by rolling her between themselves.]
 Rachel: So who's idea was it to put everybody in the diner on skates?
 Monica: Oh, some idiot customer put a suggestion in the suggestion box.
 Phoebe: Oh my God, they took my idea!
 Monica: That was you?!
 Phoebe: Yeah! Okay, here you go. (rolls her back to Rachel)
 Gunther: (bringing Rachel a mug) Rachel, I made you a cocoa.
 [He distracts her from catching Monica and Monica slams into her, knocking her down.
 Monica then falls on top of her.]
 Phoebe: Oh my God, are you guys okay?
 Gunther: Are you all right?
 Joey: (leaving Central Perk and seeing Monica laying on top of Rachel who is
 moaning in pain.) Oh my.
 (They both turn and give him a dirty look.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching Quincy M.E. as Chandler is
 walking into the living room from his bedroom.]
 Chandler: (sporting a goatee) Hey.
 Joey: Hey. Y'know with that goatee you kinda look like Satan.
 Chandler: Oh, so that's why the priest threw holy water on me.
 (there's no reaction from Joey) Okay, listen, you have to cheer up! Okay? You
 should come out with Ross and me, I mean anything is better than sitting around here
 crying all day about Kate.
 Joey: Hey I was crying because, because nobody believed Quincy's theory.
 Okay?
 Ross: (entering) Hey!
 Chandler: Hey.
 Ross: (triumphantly) I'm gonna be on TV!!
 Chandler: No way!
 Ross: Yeah! They're putting together this panel to talk about these fossils
 they just found in Peru and The Discovery Channel's gonna film it!
 Chandler: Oh my God! Who's gonna watch that?!
 Ross: Thanks. You ready to go?
 Chandler: Yeah. (they start to leave)
 Joey: Saw a girl with that vest.
 Chandler: Thanks. (He takes off the vest and throws it on the floor.)
 Anchorwoman: (on TV) While most of us think of chocolate bunnies and baskets as
 traditional Easter gifts. Some people insist on giving live chicks as presents. (Joey is
 intrigued by the idea) Unfortunately, the sad fact remains that most of these little guys
 won't live to see the fourth of July. (Joey starts to call a place to buy a little
 baby chick) Because of as a result of improper care, they will be dead.
 Joey: (on phone) Yeah, hi. You guys got any of those baby chicks?  Cause I
 was watching this ah, commercial on TV and man, those guys are cute!
 [Scene: The Moondance Diner, Pete is entering, Monica is on roller skates.]
 Pete: Hi!
 Monica: Hi! Hey, Pete you're back! Hey, check this out. (She starts to
 skate over to him)
 Pete: Wow! Skates!
 (She gets just about all the way over to him and falls into his arms.)
 Monica: Wow! You're a lot sturdier that Chandler. He crumpled like a piece
 of paper. So how was you're trip?
 Pete: Well... (he holds up a gift he brought her)
 Monica: Oh, what'd ya bring me?! (She opens the gift) Awww, hotel
 toiletries from Japan. Oh, these are gonna go in my permanent collection. You want some
 coffee?
 Pete: Yeah, sure, that'd be great.
 (She starts to go and get the coffee and falls behind the counter.)
 Monica: (popping back up) Regular or decaf?
 Pete: Ah, which ever is closest.
 Monica: Okay. (hands him a cup)
 Pete: So ask me what I did today.
 Monica: So what did you do today Pete?
 Pete: I bought a restaurant and I would like you to be the head chef.
 Monica: What?! Oh.(She turns around quickly and falls)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is telling Rachel about Pete's offer.]
 Monica: Can you believe he just offered me a restaurant?
 Rachel: What a jerk! You want me to kick his ass?
 Monica: I mean this has been like my dream since I got my first Easy Bake Oven
 and opened Easy Monica's Bakery. I mean I would kill for this job. I mean I can
 totally do this job, and God knows I paid my dues. (She removes her fake breasts) But
 Pete's just doing this because he has a crush on me.
 Rachel: And you're still not attracted to him at all?
 Monica: Hmm, no. I mean how can I accept a restaurant from him? I-I-I-I
 can't. I couldn't even accept a necklace from Stu Vincent in the seventh grade.
 Rachel: Yeah, but Mon that's totally different. He was you're health
 teacher.
 Monica: Oh, please.
 (She slaps Rachel's side and Rachel screams in pain.)
 Monica: What? Honey.
 Rachel: Oh, I am, my side still hurts from when you crashed into me yesterday.
 Monica: Oh God, I'm so sorry.


Rachel: I know.
 (Monica hugs her goes and hugs her)
 Rachel: Ow!!
 Monica: Oh God!
 Ross: (entering, wearing a white suit with a little red bow tie) Hey, you guys!
 Guess what?
 Rachel: (looking at the outfit) Got a job on a river boat?
 Ross: Y'know what I didn't wear this suit for a year because you hated it.
 Well, guess what? You're not my girlfriend anymore so...
 Rachel: Oh I see, so this suit is making a point.
 Ross: Right.
 Rachel: Now that you're on you're own, you're free to look as
 stupid as you like.
 Ross: (to Monica) You like it right?
 Monica: Oh absolutely. I like it even more on you than I did on Colonel Sanders.
 (Ross starts to leave) Ross! Ross! I'm kidding!
 Rachel: Yeah, come here!
 Monica: What-what was it you were gonna tell us?
 Rachel: Yeah. Oh! Was how you invented the cotton gin?!
 Ross: Okay, good bye! (leaves)
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is talking to Phoebe about her suggestion.]
 Chandler: So um, after you put the suggestion in the box, how long did it take
 for the roller skating thing to happen.
 Phoebe: Umm, oh, about three months.
 Chandler: Okay, so I guess that's about ah, two weeks before the topless
 thing kicks in.
 Joey: (entering carrying a box) Hey!!
 Chandler: Hey!
 Joey: I got you something! Open it! Open it!
 Chandler: Okay. (He opens it and it's a baby chick) It's a chicken.
 Joey: It's cute, huh?
 Phoebe: Whoa-whoa-whoa, you guys, do you know anything about chicks?
 Chandler: Fowl? No. Women? Nooo.
 Phoebe: Okay, well they are a huge responsibility, especially at this age. They
 require constant care. They-they need just the right food, and lot's and lot's
 of love.
 Joey: Oh, well no problem there. (He picks up the chick, hugs it really tight,
 and talks to it like it's a little baby.)
 Chandler: Easy Lenny.
 [Scene: The Moondance Diner, Pete is talking to Monica about the restaurant.]
 Pete: So? I mean have you thought about it?
 Monica: Okay. Here's the thing.
 Pete: Oh no, not the thing. I hate the thing. What's the thing?
 Monica: I can't do it. I'm sorry, I wish I could, but umm, see you
 have these feelings for me....
 Pete: Wait, wait, wait, wait, that's-that's what you're worried
 about? If that's the problem, we've got no problem.
 Monica: Huh?
 Pete: No! Look, I was gonna tell you this over dinner, but I met somebody else.
 On my trip.
 Monica: Oh?
 Pete: Her name's Ann, she's a journalist. Ahh, we met on the plane.
 She asked me if she could finish off my peanuts, I thought she said something else, we had
 a big laugh. Yeah, I just, I mean I got, I got tired of waiting.
 Monica: Oh, that's great! I mean I'm-I'm sorry, but I'm so
 happy for you. And now I can work for you!
 Pete: I guess you can.
 Monica: Oh my God! Oh, this is incredible! Ohh! (she rolls over and kisses him
 on the cheek) All right, y'know what? I'm just gonna roll right into that office
 and-and quit!
 Pete: All right.
 Monica: Okay. (she gets ready to go) Can you give me a little push?
 Pete: Yeah, sure. Good luck!
 Monica: (rolling towards the office) I'm quitting!! Woo-hoo! (She rolls
 through a doorway and out of sight. We then hear a big crash, and see Monica roll past the
 door the other way.) I'm okay!! I'm all right!!
 Phoebe: (to Pete) Wow! That's exciting, you went to Japan, made up a woman.
 Pete: What?
 Phoebe: I'm just saying, this woman, I mean she's fictitious. No?
 Pete: Why would you say that?
 Phoebe:  Cause you're still into Monica. So you told her there was
 somebody else so she would agree to work with you, so  cause you figure oh if you
 spent a lot of time together, maybe something might happen, and...
 Pete: You're good. You're good!
 Phoebe: Yeah, no, I'm fairly intuitive and psychic. It's a substantial
 gift.
 Pete: Listen, can you promise me that you won't tell her though?
 Phoebe: Absolutely, oh I promise. Tell her what?
 Pete: Thanks a lot.
 Phoebe: No I'm serious. I mean I'm intuitive, but my memory sucks.
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is baby-chick sitting.]
 Chandler: Okay, but this is the last time. (singing) With a chick-chick here,
 and a chick-chick there. Here a chick, there a chick, everywhere a chick-chick-(Joey
 enters)-chickeeeen.
 Joey: Hey.
 Chandler: Hey.
 Joey: How's she doing?
 Chandler: She?
 Joey: Well yeah, don't-don't you think it's a she?
 Chandler: I don't know. (He picks the chick up and turns it over, trying to
 determine the sex of the chick, and blows on it.) I can't tell, what ever it was went
 back in too quickly.
 Joey: Well, anyway, I got to go change, I'm ah, meeting some of the cast
 for drinks.


Chandler: Excuse me?
 Joey: What?
 Chandler: I stayed home from work today while you were at rehearsal so somebody
 could be here with our chick!
 Joey: Hey! Who was up from 2 o'clock this morning until 5 o'clock this
 morning trying to get her back to sleep?
 Chandler: You don't think I get up when you get up?
 Joey: Ohhh, here it comes.
 Chandler: Yes, here it comes! I'm stuck here all day, and then you come in
 and spend two seconds with us and then expect to go off gallivanting with your friends?
 Well I don't think so mister!
 Joey: Hey!! I need to relax! Okay? I was working all day!
 Chandler: And you don't think taking care of our chick is work?
 Joey: That's not what I said. Okay, I just meant...
 Chandler: I know what you meant!! (pause) You notice that ever since we got this
 chick, we've been fighting a lot more than we used too?
 Joey: I don't know, maybe we weren't ready to have a chick.
 Chandler: I'll take her back tomorrow.
 Joey: Do you think we'll get our three bucks back?
 Ross: (entering carrying a garment bag) Hey!
 Chandler: Hey!
 Ross: (sees the chick) Ohhh, hey! All right, listen, I-I have that TV thing in
 like two hours, and I need your help, okay? What do you think? (takes out two suits) This
 blue suit, or this brown one?
 Joey: Well, the brown one brings out your eyes, but your butt looks great in the
 blue one.
 Ross: Really? (Joey gives him a  Like I would know' look)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to take some aspirin.]
 Rachel: (she reaches for the bottle) Oww! (She grabs the bottle, but has trouble
 opening it. She pops the top off and aspirins fly all over the place as Ross enters.)
 Ross: Wow! That aspirin dance really works!
 Rachel: (She bends over to try and pick up the aspirin) Oww!
 Ross: Oh my God, is that still...
 Rachel: I'm fine, I'm fine.
 Ross: No you're not.
 Rachel: Yes I am!
 Ross: Rach!
 Rachel: Look, I'm fine. Watch. (She picks up an aspirin between her toes)
 Look at that. (She lifts her leg to grab the aspirin with her hand and almost falls over.)
 Whoa-whoa!
 Ross: (stopping her from falling) Okay, okay. Look, you have got to go to a
 doctor! Okay?
 Rachel: No. I have got to get ready and go to a dinner at my bosses
 house. It's a very big deal, there's a lot of people there I have to meet.
 Ross: And I'm sure you're gonna make a big impression. Hi! I'm
 Rachel Green. It's nice to meet you. (He lifts his leg and imitates shaking hands
 with it, just like how Rachel was trying to pick up the aspirin with her feet.) Come on,
 you probably have a broken rib!
 Rachel: Well, I will go to the hospital tomorrow, it'll still be broken
 then.
 Ross: Rach...
 Rachel: But y'know, I could use a hand getting ready.
 Ross: Rachel...
 Rachel: Look, either help me or go.
 Ross: Fine. I'll go.
 Rachel: (with a hurt expression on her face) Okay, but before you go, could you
 help me first?
 Ross: (He checks his watch) Sure. I'll help you.
 Chandler: (rushing in) Oh, good! Good! Do you guys know how to get a chick out
 of a VCR?!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Rachel's bedroom, Rachel is trying to put on eye liner with her left
 hand, as Ross is setting out her shoes.]
 Rachel: (She drops the brush) Y'know what? I cannot do this with my left hand!
 Would you please, help me with this too?
 Ross: Ohh. (He drops the shoes, takes the brush from her, and licks the tip. He
 doesn't like how it tastes.)
 Rachel: (taking the brush back) Okay. Let's use this brush. (Hands him
 another one.)
 Ross: Okay. This stuff?
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Ross: All right.
 Rachel: Careful. Light. Okay, do you know how, just sweep it across the lid.
 Okay? Just sweep it.
 Ross: Oke-dokey. (He pokes her in the eye with the brush.)
 Rachel: Oh-ho!
 Ross: Sorry.
 Rachel: Hey! That's just poking me in the eye!
 Ross: Sorry, I'm sorry. Close, close, close...
 Rachel: Okay, just sweep it.
 Ross: I'm sweeping...
 Rachel: Right.
 Ross: Sweep, sweep....(He starts to paint it on her eye, making it look like she
 has a black eye.)
 Rachel: Okay, now make it even,  cause we don't...
 Ross: What? What?
 Rachel: We don't want it-it to be too much, we want it to be subtle.
 (Of course it's too late for that.)
 Ross: No. No, y'know you don't, you don't wear enough of this. (Rachel
 is shocked) What?
 Rachel: Since when, since when do you think I don't wear enough of this?
 Ross: Well I, close your eyes, I just think you're gonna like this a little
 better,  cause, close-close... (He gets some more on the brush)


Rachel: Blow it.
 Ross: (blows it) Sorry.  Cause umm, I think this will make you a little
 more sophisticated.
 Rachel: Sophisticated like a hooker?
 [Scene: Central Perk, Monica is entering, Phoebe is already there.]
 Monica: Hey!
 Phoebe: Hey!
 Monica: Hey, guess what I'm doing tonight.
 Phoebe: What?
 Monica: I'm checking out the restaurant with Pete.
 Phoebe: Ohh, Monica, I am so excited for you.
 Monica: I know.
 Phoebe: Ooh, I have to tell you something.
 Monica: What?
 Phoebe: But I can't tell you.
 Monica: Okay, but wouldn't it be easier if you had to tell me something
 that you could tell me.
 Phoebe: Well, sure in a perfect world. But, no, I promised I wouldn't tell,
 and I swore to like all my gods.
 Monica: Okay. Does it have to do with Ross and Rachel?
 Phoebe: No.
 Monica: Does it have to do with Joey?
 Phoebe: No.
 Monica: Does it have to do with-with Chandler and that sock that he keeps by his
 bed?
 Phoebe: No, but let's come back to that later!
 [Scene: Rachel's Bedroom, Ross is finishing up her make-up.]
 Ross: There you go! Good enough for your party, huh?
 (She turns and looks in the mirror, and it's way, way over done. She looks like
 she has two black eyes.)
 Rachel: Sure.
 Ross: Yep?
 Rachel: Sure, I'll just sit next to the trans-sexual from purchasing.
 Ross: Okay, come on! All right, I gotta go! So good luck at the party. Okay?
 Rachel: Oh wait, Ross, would you just stay and help me get dressed?
 Ross: (checks his watch) Sure, okay.
 Rachel: Okay. Okay, great! Umm, okay, just turn around.
 Ross: What?
 Rachel: I don't want you to see me naked!
 Ross: Rachel, I've seen you naked a million times. I ate hot fudge off you
 naked. Remember, I-I sucked that mini-marshmallow out of your belly button?
 Rachel: Yeah, but that was different. Y'know? I mean, we were, we were
 going out then, now I think it's weird.
 Ross: Rach, y'know I can see you naked any time I want.
 Rachel: What?
 Ross: All I have to do is close my eyes. See? (closes his eyes) Woo-hoo!!
 Rachel: Ross! Stop that!
 Ross: Ah, I'm sorry.
 Rachel: Come on! I don't want you thinking of me like that any more!
 Ross: Ahh, sorry, nothing you can do about it. It's one of my ah, rights as
 the ex-boyfriend. (closes his eyes again) Oop, oh yeah!
 Rachel: Stop it! Cut it out! Cut it out!
 Ross: Okay, okay, I'm sorry, it will never happen... (closes eyes) Uh-oh!
 Wait a minute! Wait-wait, now there are a hundred of you and I'm the king.
 Rachel: Rosss...
 Ross: Come on, would you grow up? It's no big deal.
 Rachel: All right. (She starts to take off her robe) Fine.
 Ross: Yowzah!!!
 Rachel: O-kay!! See what you did, I'm gonna be doing it by myself now.
 Okay?
 Ross: Aww, come on.
 Rachel: That's it. (She crawls onto the bed) Ow!!!
 Ross: Oh my God!
 Rachel: Oh-ow!
 Ross: All right.
 Rachel: Ow!
 Ross: Look...
 Rachel: Ow!
 Ross: Okay.
 Rachel: Ow!
 Ross: Rach?
 Rachel: Ow! Ow!
 Ross: Easy. Easy. You have to go to the hospital. Okay?
 Rachel: Okay, I do.
 Ross: Okay.
 Rachel: I really do.
 Ross: Okay, I'm gonna get your coat and then I'll-I'll put you in
 a cab.
 Rachel: Okay. Oh wait, wait-wait, you're not gonna come with me?
 Ross: (He thinks about it) Of course I am. I just have to make a call.
 Rachel: Okay.
 Ross: Okay? (goes into the living room)
 Rachel: Thank you. (She goes to take off her make-up and screams in pain)
 Oww!!!! God!
 Ross: (rushing back in) What?! I wh-, what's wrong?
 Rachel: I'm sorry, I just can't go to the hospital lookin' like
 this.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Monica is trying to find out what Phoebe won't tell her.]
 Monica: Does it involve travel?
 Phoebe: Noo!
 Monica: Does it involve clogs?
 Phoebe: Oh, wait, wait. Clogs, or claws?
 Monica: Clogs.
 Phoebe: No.
 Monica: Claws?!
 Phoebe: No.
 Monica: Okay, so it doesn't involve Ross or Rachel or Chandler or Joey.
 But, what about Pete?
 Phoebe: (Shaking her head yes) No!
 Monica: What is it?! What about Pete?
 Phoebe: I don't know! (frantically points at Monica)
 Monica: Okay, I feel like I'm talking to Lassie. All right, Phoebe would
 you just tell me!
 Phoebe: I can't!!
 Monica: Okay, I gotta go. (gets up)
 Phoebe: I, but you're so close! No!
 Monica: Okay, does it involve something to do with Pete's computer company?
 Phoebe: Oh, just go. You're never gonna get it!
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching Baywatch with the baby chick.
 He's on one leather chair, the chick is on the other. It's watching Yasmine
 Bleeth run and is chirping.]


Chandler: I know. See, yes. That's Yasmine Bleeth, she's a completely
 different kind of chick. I love you both. But in very different ways.
 Joey: (entering) Hey!
 Chandler: Hey!
 Joey: (sees he's watching Baywatch) Ohhh. (sees he still has the
 chick) Ahh! What are you doing?! I thought you were gonna take her back to the store
 today.
 Chandler: I did! But the store wouldn't take her back! So then I took her
 to the shelter, and you know what I found out?
 (Joey wants to know, but Chandler doesn't want to discuss it by the chick, so he
 and Joey move over to the windows and away from the chick.)
 Chandler: If they can't find a home for her, they kill her! And I'm
 not gonna let that happen to little Yasmine!
 Joey: Okay, good, good, good,  cause, good,  cause I was kinda having
 second thoughts too.
 Chandler: Okay. And it's not just chicks y'know? It's all kinds of
 other animals!
 Joey: That's horrible! Well, you did the right thing man.
 Chandler: Thanks, I'm glad you see it that way.
 (He hear a duck start quacking, and see it waddle into the living room from the
 bathroom. Joey wants to know what's with the duck.)
 Chandler: Ohhh-hoo, funny story!
 [Scene: Pete's Restaurant's Kitchen, Pete is showing Monica around the
 kitchen.]
 Monica: I don't believe this! Wow, look at this refrigerator! It's
 gigantic! I mean I could live in this thing! I'd be cold, but I'm always cold.
 Oh my God, look at these spider burners! I love spider burners.
 Pete: So you like it?
 Monica: Oh, it is sooo perfect. Thank you so much. (runs over and hugs him)
 Pete: Oh, you're welcome. (He takes a deep breath)
 Monica: Did you just smell my hair?
 Pete: Nooo. Uh-huh, no way. What? No.
 Monica: Oh God.
 Pete: What?
 Monica: You still have feelings for me don't you?
 Pete: Now, nooo! I'm just excited about the restaurant, that's all.
 Monica: Pete.
 Pete: Okay, I love you. Is that so bad?
 Monica: No, it's not bad. It's not bad at all. It's-it's
 really nice.
 Pete: Look, the only who stands to get hurt is me. And I'm okay with that.
 Monica: You may be okay about getting hurt, but I am not okay with being the one
 who hurts you. That's why I can't take this job.
 Pete: What?
 Monica: And well, we probably shouldn't see each other anymore. I'm
 sorry.
 Pete: Okay, yeah. I mean... If that's, if that's really what you want,
 okay.
 Monica: Okay, bye.
 (She kisses him on the cheek, and he kisses her back on the mouth.)
 Pete: I'm sorry things didn't work out...
 Monica: All right shut up for a second and let me just see something. (She
 kisses him back on the lips) Oh, wow! (They then hug and kiss, very passionately.)
 [Scene: The Hallway Between The Apartments, Ross and Rachel are coming back from the
 hospital. Ross is helping her up the stairs.]
 Rachel: Okay, you'd tell me the truth. Right?
 Ross: Rach, you can't look fat in an x-ray.
 Rachel: Okay.
 (As they approach the door, Chandler comes out carrying his duck.)
 Chandler: Okay! Now you stay out here, and you think about what you did!!
 Ross: (to Chandler) That's a duck.
 Chandler: That's a bad duck!!! (to Ross) How'd the thing go tonight,
 Ross?
 Ross: Oh, it was, nah, well....
 Rachel: What thing? What thing?
 Ross: Nothing, ah there was this thing at the museum. Come on. (they go into her
 apartment) Easy.
 Chandler: (to the duck) Okay, now when you come back I hope you remember that,
 that chick is not a toy! (He goes back into the apartment)
 [cut to inside Monica and Rachel's]
 Rachel: What thing? What is this thing?
 Ross: I was kinda, supposed to be on TV tonight for The Discovery Channel.
 Rachel: Oh my God!
 Ross: Yeah.
 Rachel: Ross, why didn't you tell me that?
 Ross: Eh,  cause I knew that if I told you, you'd make me go, and I
 knew you needed someone to be with you tonight. Come on. Come on.
 Rachel: I cannot believe you.
 Ross: What?
 Rachel: That is the sweetest thing, I just....
 (They both look at each other for a while)
 Ross: (breaking the silence) You should get some sleep.
 Rachel: Okay.
 Ross: So, I'll umm...
 Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry I spoiled you're evening.
 Ross: No, that's, no, as long as you're okay. So I'll ah,
 I'll see you tomorrow.
 Rachel: Um-hmm, yeah.
 (He leaves)
 Rachel: (After he closes the door) See ya.
 (In the hallway, Ross all dejected, sits down on the step.)
 Chandler: (coming out of his apartment and seeing Ross) What did you do?
 Closing Credits
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's Bathroom: Chandler is watching the duck swim in
 the bathtub.]


 The One With The Screamer
 The One With The Screamer
 Written by: Scott Silveri & Shana Goldberg-Meehan
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is on the phone, Chandler and Monica are sitting in
 the living room, and Ross is in the kitchen as Rachel enters from her bedroom.]
 Rachel: Oh, Phoebe, are you still on hold? I was supposed to call my Dad back
 like two hours ago.
 Phoebe: Oh, yeah, he clipped on, he said call him as soon as you get a chance,
 he's at Flimby's.
 Rachel: What's Flimby's?
 Phoebe: Oh, yeah, that's the word I use when I can't remember the real
 thing.
 Rachel: Okay. Hang up! That's it! Come on!
 Phoebe: No! Rachel, that's what they want me to do. My warranty expires
 tomorrow, if I don't get through, they're not gonna fix my crappy, broken phone
 for free! We cannot let them win! It's us versus them!
 Chandler: Ye-e-es!!
 Joey: (entering) Hey.
 All: Hey.
 Joey: Uh, listen I gotta double check for tickets tonight. Who-who got what?
 Chandler, Phoebe, and Rachel: I had one.
 Monica: I need two. I'm bringing Pete. My boyfriend. I have a boyfriend
 now!
 Joey: Two it is. Ross, how about you?
 Ross: Uh, yeah, I ah, I also need two.
 Monica: Really? Who's number two?
 Chandler: Who's number two? One of the more difficult games sewer workers
 play.
 Ross: Uh, no, it's-it's just this person.
 Phoebe: Like a date type (looks at Rachel) person?
 Ross: Yeah, kinda. It's this woman from work. I hope that won't be too
 weird. Will it, Rach?
 Rachel: No. No, not at all, not at all. I actually was gonna bring someone
 myself, so
 Joey: But you said one.
 Rachel: I meant, me plus one!
 Joey: Okay. (to Phoebe and Chandler) Did ah, you guys mean you plus one?
 Ross: All right, I'll see you tonight.
 Joey: Okay.
 Rachel: Okay, bye-bye!
 Chandler: Bye!
 Monica: Bye-bye!
 (Ross exits)
 Rachel: Okay, I need a date! (runs to her bedroom)
 Joey: Oh, hey, you guys are finally gonna get to meet Kate!
 All: Oh!
 Joey: (to Chandler) And I ah, borrowed some of your cologne. I hope she likes
 it.
 Monica: Joey, what are you doing?! It's never gonna happen, she's
 seeing somebody.
 Chandler: Yeah, and I don't have any cologne.
 Joey: The green bottle next to the shaving cream.
 Chandler: Oh! Worm medicine for the duck.
 (In horror, Joey wipes his neck and smells it.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is getting ready to go to Joey's premiere and
 Phoebe is still on hold.]
 Monica: (to Phoebe) Here you go. You can wear this. (hands her a sweater)
 Phoebe: Thanks!
 Monica: Uh-huh.
 Phoebe: Okay. (on phone) Ooh, I'm setting the phone down. (does so) But
 I'm still here! Just don't go anywhere I'm still here. (starts to put on
 the sweater) Don't-don't switch or anything,  cause I'm, I'm
 right here. (She has pulled the sweater over her head, but her head is stuck in a sleeve.)
 Just one sec. One sec! One second!! (She is now frantically trying to get the sweater on,
 as Monica returns from the bathroom.) Wait! One second! Just
 Monica: Phoebe?
 Phoebe: What?! Monica, I'm scared!!
 Monica: All right. Honey, that's-that's a sleeve. Okay?
 Phoebe: Yeah.
 Monica: And! We also have speaker phone. (She turns on the speaker phone.)
 Hold Voice: Please, stay on the line. Your call is important to us.
 Monica: Okay, wait, you gotta hang up  cause we're gonna be late.
 (Phoebe starts to hang up the phone, but )
 Hold Voice: Thank you for your patience, you're the next caller.
 Phoebe: Yes!! Yes!! I'm the next caller! You were gonna have me hang up.
 Chandler: (entering, carrying the chick and duck) Hey! Can you take a duck and a
 chick to the theatre?
 Monica: Of course not.
 Phoebe: No.
 Chandler: Okay. I just wanted them to hear it from somebody else.
 [Scene: Joey's Premiere, Rachel is already there with her date, Tommy who's played
 by Ben Stiller who will be in There's Something About Mary and Meet The
 Parents, as Ross and his date, Cailin, arrive.]
 Ross: Hey, hey Rach!
 Rachel: Oh, hi!
 Ross: Hi!
 Rachel: How are you? (She goes to kiss him on the cheek, but stops because of
 the dates and pats him on the shoulder.)
 Ross: Good.
 Rachel: Hey.
 Ross: So it's looks like we're the first ones here.
 Rachel: Yeah, looks that way. First ones here! Wooo!!
 Ross: Yay!!
 (An awkward silence follows.)
 Rachel: Oh! Tommy, this is Ross. Ross, Tommy.
 Tommy: Hey.
 Ross: Hey. Oh, I'm sorry, this is Cailin.
 (They all try and shake hands at once. They end up criss-crossing they're arms to
 shake each other's hand, and Ross says )


Ross: And! Break!!
 (Awkward laughter follows.)
 Rachel: Okay, uhh, I think I'm going to run to the ladies room.
 Tommy: Okay.
 Cailin: I'll join you.
 Tommy: I'll get our seats.
 Ross: Okay. (The girls leave.) (to Tommy) So uh, well, this-this is uh, this is
 awkward.
 Tommy: Yeah?
 Ross: Well y'know  cause Rachel and I used to go out.
 Tommy: Oh, I didn't, I didn't know that.
 Ross: Oh! Well then this is awkward. So what do you uh
 Tommy: I think we're here.
 Ross: Oh! Yeah.
 Tommy: Yeah.
 Ross: Okay. (sees two people sitting in their seats.) Uh, huh. Excuse me,
 I'm sorry, I-I think you may be in our seats.
 Man: Umm, no, I don't think so.
 Tommy: Can-can we take a look at your ticket?
 Man: Sure. (Hands him the ticket.)
 Ross: (looking at ticket) Yep! Yeah, see this says D-13, and uh
 Man: Oh, well I thought that ah
 Tommy: Oh, you thought, huh? Yeah, well that didn't really work out too
 well for you did it you idiot!! What are you?! A moron!! Huh?! It says D-13! Okay?!
 Look you're surrounded by even numbers!! Did that give you some clue?!
 Man: Uh, the usher told us to come
 Tommy: Oh! Oh! The usher must be right! What, with all that training they go
 through! Get out!! (They start to leave.) Here! (He throws him back his ticket.) (to Ross,
 calmly) Hey man, you want the aisle?
 Ross: No, I'm good. (He sits down, stunned.)
 [Scene: The Theatre, at the post premiere party. The gang is already there, except
 Phoebe. Joey runs in.]
 Chandler: (seeing Joey) There he is!
 Monica: There's our star!
 Joey: So, so, what'd ya think?
 Chandler: Almost as good as that play with the two naked girls on the see-saw.
 Joey: I-I wasn't in that.
 Chandler: I know.
 Joey: (sees Kate) Oh-oh, hey-hey, Kate! Listen I want you to meet everybody.
 Everybody, this is Kate.
 Monica: Hi!
 The Director: (stepping in) Excuse me. Excuse me. (to Kate) Sweetheart! (Kisses
 her.) Come! (They leave.)
 Chandler: So that's the girl you like.
 Joey: Yeah.
 Ross: (drags Chandler over to buffet table) I'm telling you, this guy
 Rachel is with is crazy! Okay? He viscously screamed at total strangers! I think he's
 baaad news!
 Chandler: Wait a minute, wait a minute, you don't like the guy
 Rachel's dating? Well, that's odd.
 [cut to Joey, Rachel, and Tommy.]
 Joey: Oh, hey, Lauren. Uh, you guys this is, this is Kate's understudy,
 Lauren.
 Rachel: Oh, hi!
 Lauren: Hey.
 Rachel: Hey. Gosh, you look soo familiar.
 Lauren: Oh, yeah! I-I ran into you in the hallway in your building. It was right
 after I slept with Joey. He dumped me the next day.
 [cut to Monica, Pete, and Cailin]
 Cailin: So. How'd you guys meet?
 Pete: Well ah, the short version is, I ah pursued her for a couple of months,
 then I gave her a check for 20,000 dollars, and she was mine.
 Monica: Yeah, and in the long version, I dump him for telling people the short
 version.
 [cut to Joey as Estelle, Joey's agent, approaches]
 Estelle: Joey, sweetheart, you were fabulous!
 Joey: Hey you guys, this is my agent, Estelle.
 Estelle: How do you do. (to Rachel and Monica) Ooh, you two girls were
 outstanding! (to Joey) Did they have representation?
 Joey: No, they-they weren't in the play.
 Rachel: We're not actors.
 Estelle: Ooh, what a shame! Because with her face (points to Monica) and her
 chest (points to Rachel) I could really put something together.
 Chandler: Could I borrow it?
 [cut to later]
 Cailin: (to Ross) Hi! Remember me?
 Ross: Hi! Yeah! Tommy's in line for the bathroom and someone just cut in
 front of him, I think he's gonna snap. (He's watching very intently)
 Cailin: Ross, I'm gonna go.
 Ross: Go? Why?
 Cailin: I don't know. Could be because I don't feel like standing
 around all night waiting for some guy who may or may not scream.
 Ross: But-but Cailin, he definitely will scream.
 Cailin: Good bye Ross.
 Ross: Uh, oh-ho bye.
 The Director: (entering carrying a newspaper) Here we go people! (starts reading
 the review) Boxing Day! The Lucille Lortel Theatre, blah-la-la-la  Ah-ha! Joey
 Tribianni, gives an uneven performance, but Mr. Tribianni is not the worst thing in this
 production.
 Joey: Yes!!! Ha-ha-ha!
 The Director: Kate Miller's awkward and mannered portrayal is laughable.
 (Kate walks away depressed.) Badda-badda-badda. Ah-ha! Here it is! The direction by
 Marshal Talmant is  (stops, reads it again, and throws down the paper in disgust)
 Thank you, boys and girls, you've ruined my life. Please, stuff your talentless faces
 with my Mother's crab cakes! (starts to leave) Excuse me!!
 (Joey steps in a picks up the paper, the gang all look at him.)
 Joey: Anyone mind if I save this?
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are returning. Phoebe is still on
 hold.]


Monica: Hey!
 Rachel: Hey!
 Phoebe: Oh, is the play over?
 Monica: Yeah. Where were you?
 Hold Voice: Thank you for your patience, you're the next caller.
 Monica: You were the next caller five hours ago. You must be going crazy.
 Phoebe: Nah. I kept myself busy.
 (Both Rachel and Monica walk into their bedrooms, stop, and come back into the living
 room with confused looks on their faces.)
 Phoebe: Oh, okay, yeah. (to Monica) I put your stuff in her room, and her stuff
 in your room.
 (They both look at each other, nod their heads  All right' and follow their
 stuff into their new rooms.)
 [Scene: The Theatre, after the party. Joey is trying to comfort Kate.]
 Joey: Hey! Are you okay?
 Kate: Fabulous.
 Joey: Listen, drama critics they're nothing but, but people who
 couldn't make it as actors. You know what you should do?
 Kate: Become a drama critic!
 The Director: (entering, drunk) I am hurt! (to Joey and Kate) A plague on both
 your houses! (walks away)
 Kate: By the way, he dumped me tonight after he read my review.
 Joey: Oh, classy.
 Kate: Yep! I sure know how to pick  em, huh? Y'know I gave up a part on a
 soap for this!
 Joey: Wow! Yeah I ah, I gave up a job too.
 Kate: Really. What?
 Joey: Uh, de-clawing cats. Hey, tell ya what. Let me walk you home. We'll
 stop by every news stand and burn every copy of their Times and the Post.
 Kate: Why the Post?
 Joey: Oh, you didn't see the Post?
 Kate: No. You?
 Joey: No. Why?
 [Scene: Kate's Apartment, Joey and Kate are returning from a night out on the
 town.]
 Kate: (drunk) So you really think those newspapers are just jealous of me?
 Joey: Oh, absolutely! You're talented and you're good looking.
 Kate: Oh, you're sweet and cute.
 Joey: I know! That's why they trashed me!
 (They kiss.)
 Joey: Whoa. Wait a minute, wait a minute.
 Kate: What?
 Joey: I, I don't get you. I mean first, you hate me. Then you sleep with
 me. Then you want nothing to do with me, now you want me again.
 Kate: What? So you never went out with an actress before?
 Joey: Kate, do you even like me?
 Kate: Of course I do.
 Joey: Well so, how come you blew me off? Y'know? How come you were with him?
 Kate: I don't know! I just, just do this! I-I always have to pick the like
 the smartest guy, or-or the most talented guy  Why can't I just pick someone
 like you?
 Joey: Thanks.
 Kate: You know what I mean. I mean like the sweetest guy. Joey, you're just
 so, you're so, so  (She passes out and slumps against his shoulder.)
 Joey: (Checks to see if she's drooling on his shirt.) Okay. Okay, okay,
 hey. (Lays her down and covers her with a blanket.) There we go, let's get your feet
 up there. (Looks at her) Good night, Kate. Sweet dreams. (Picks up a garbage can) I'm
 gonna put this can right here in case you have to hurl.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Phoebe is STILL on hold.]
 Hold Voice: Please stay on the line. You're call is very important to us.
 Monica: (entering from her bedroom) Pheebs, you've been up for 24 hours! Go
 to sleep, honey. Th-this isn't healthy.
 Phoebe: No, no, I'm fine, and y'know why?  Cause of all the
 riboflavin.
 Joey: (entering, happily) Hey!
 Monica: Hey! Didn't you have that outfit on last night?
 Joey: Yeah! I stayed at Kate's, but ah, nothing happened. Hey, Pheebs,
 where were ya?
 Phoebe: I'm so, so, so sorry, Joey. I definitely am gonna see you're
 play. I swear you're play is very important to us, thank you for your patience.
 You're play is the next play is the next play I'm gonna see.
 Monica: Anyway, how did it go with Kate?
 Joey: Oh, it was great! Yeah, I-I walked her home, and it was amazing how much
 we connected, y'know? Then ah, then she passed out, but then she woke up. Yeah? And we
 stayed up all night talking, and now we're like totally crazy about each other!
 Monica: Joey, you had the night!
 Joey: What?
 Monica: When two people finally realise their feelings for each other, and-and
 they talk for hours, and they-they learn all about the other person!
 Joey: You-you think?
 Monica: Did you like learn about her family?
 Joey: Two brothers, one died!
 Monica: Yes!!
 Joey: Yeah?!
 Monica: Oh! (They hug, triumphantly.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are sitting on the couch, Rachel is on the
 chair.]
 Gunther: (bringing Chandler a cup) This is from the woman at the bar.
 Chandler: Oh-ho-ho-ho.
 (He turns and looks at her. The woman whispers something to Gunther; who comes back and
 takes the mug away from Chandler.)
 Gunther: Sorry. She thought you were somebody else.


Rachel: What time is it?
 Monica: One.
 Ross: One.
 Chandler: 7:15. (Monica looks at him) Watch doesn't work.
 Rachel: Tommy's supposed to be here soon, we're going to lunch.
 Ross: Look. Look, I wasn't going to say anything to you, but... All right,
 I don't think you should be seeing Tommy anymore.
 Rachel: You don't?!
 Ross: No! The guy is mean. I mean really mean. I think you should stay away from
 him.
 Rachel: Umm, or, maybe, I should stay away from all men.
 Ross: No, it's not just  cause I'm jealous. (Both Monica and
 Chandler give him a  Come on' look) I mean I'm not, I'm not, I'm
 not jealous, okay? It's  Look, the guy, he screamed, he actually screamed at
 this couple sitting in our seats.
 Chandler: Yeah, and at the end of the play, he, he got up y'know, and he just
 started like, (claps his hands) banging his hands together!
 Ross: Okay, fine, fine. You don't want to believe me? No, that's fine.
 (starts to leave)
 Monica: We're kidding!
 Chandler: Ross, don't. Ross!
 Monica; Ross!
 [cut to outside of Central Perk]
 Ross: You don't want to believe me, I'm Mr. Funny to you. Mr.
 Funny  (turns around and almost spills his coffee on Tommy)
 Tommy: Whoa!!
 Ross: Whoa, sorry Tommy.
 Tommy: What's in the cup, Ross?
 Ross: Umm
 Tommy: What is in the cup?!
 Ross: Okay, it's coffee.
 Tommy: Ice coffee? Tell me it's ice coffee!
 Ross: It's-it's hot
 Tommy: Hot coffee!!! You idiot!! You were gonna spill hot coffee all over me,
 huh?!! What are you just some big, dumb, stupid, doofy idiot, with a doofy idiot hairdo,
 huh?! Huh?!
 [cut to inside Central Perk, we see Ross quietly tapping on the window, desperately
 trying to get the gang's attention, while Tommy is still screaming at him]
 Rachel: (not seeing Ross) What's your favourite thing about summertime?
 Monica: Umm, going to the beach. When it stays light real late.
 Rachel: Yeah
 Tommy: (entering, finished with yelling at Ross, who follows him in shell
 shocked) (happily) Hey!
 Rachel: Tommyyyy! Say, what's your favourite thing about summer?
 Tommy: Ooh, I don't know. Probably the smell of freshly cut grass.
 Chandler: Ohh, that's a good one.
 (Ross is having a fit, about how calm Tommy is now)
 [Scene: Backstage at Joey's play, Joey is arriving, late.]
 Joey: Sorry! Sorry, I'm late; sorry, I'm late! My duck and my chick
 and a fight, it-it was ugly.
 Stage Manager: Look, we held the curtain for you buddy. Come on, let's go!
 Let's go!
 [cut to onstage with Lauren standing in for Kate, the doorbell rings.]
 Lauren: (answering the door) Vic! Where have you been, baby?!
 Joey: (surprised it's Lauren) (hugs her) (whispering) Where's Kate?
 Lauren: (whispering) She got a job in L.A.
 Joey: (stunned) What?!
 Lauren: I've been waiting up all night for ya. Where have you been? (Joey
 doesn't answer) Where have you been? Vic?!
 Joey: Oh, ahh, go to the window. I'm wanna run down to the truck and show
 you something.
 Lauren: (at the window, she's looking down out of the window) What do you
 got down there, Vic? What do you got under that tarp?
 Joey: (grabs the window from the outside and sticks his head in) (whispering)
 When is she leaving?
 Lauren: (whispering) Tonight. What are you doing?
 Joey: (making like he is yelling up to the second floor) I'm coming up!
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Ross are in the kitchen, Rachel and Monica
 are sitting in the living room, and Phoebe is, you guessed it, still on hold.]
 Tommy: Hey, mind if I use the phone?
 Phoebe: Oh, I  (starts jabbering incoherently)
 Chandler: Why don't you use ours across the hall,  cause
 she has problems.
 Ross: (coming out of the kitchen with a cup of coffee, almost running into
 Tommy) Oh-ho, whoa! Sorry, Tommy. I almost spilled this hot coffee on you.
 Tommy: Yeah, but you didn't.
 Ross: No, but it's-it's-it's hot!
 (We see Tommy go into Joey and Chandler's apartment)
 Rachel: Ross, would you just stop it! It's getting really old.
 Ross: I can't believe no one believes me!
 Phoebe: I do, I believe you.
 Ross: You do Pheebs?
 Phoebe: Yeah. But I also believed her (points to the phone) when she said I was
 next.
 [cut to Chandler and Joey's apartment, Tommy is using the phone]
 Tommy: (noticing the chick) Ooh, hey! Hey, there little fella. (picks up the
 chick) Mr. Fuzzy-Man, how are you doing? (starts to pet him) Aww. (The chick poops on his
 hand.) Eww! Oh! Eww! Gross! Idiot!! Stupid little, fuzzy, yellow creature!! Oh look at me,
 I'm so cute, I'm a little chick who's disgusting! God, you're so
 stupid, how are you not yet extinct!! (the duck wattles behind him and quacks) (to the
 duck) Quack-quack, quack-quack!! What are you quacking about?! Dumb Donald Doo-Doo!!
 (We see the gang staring at him through the doorways.)


 The One With Ross's Thing
 The One With Ross's Thing
 Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Joey are playing with the duck and the
 chick.]
 Joey: Hey, wouldn't be cool if our duck and chick had a little baby? We could
 call it Chuck.
 Chandler: Or... Dick.
 Ross: (entering) Hey.
 Chandler and Joey: Hey.
 Ross: Listen, I-I need a favor. Umm, I was in the shower, and as I was cleansing
 myself, I ah, I-I, well I felt something.
 Chandler: Was it like a sneeze only better?
 Ross: No, no, I mean, I mean a thing on my body.
 Joey: (with a disgusted look) What was it?
 Ross: Well, I don't know, it's-it's kinda in a place that's not... It's not
 visually accessible to me, and I was hoping maybe you guys could-could help me out.
 (starts to take off his pants)
 Chandler and Joey: Whoa!!!
 Chandler: No!!
 Ross: Come on you guys, it's no big deal! (He turns around and shows him his
 thing.)
 Chandler: Whoa-heeeiiiiii-iiiii-ah!! (sees it) Huh.
 Ross: Well what is it? Is it a mole? (He moves closer to them, and they jump
 back.)
 Joey: No, it's too wrinkly to be a mole.
 Ross: Well, eww. What? Is it a pimple?
 Chandler: No, it's... fancier than a pimple. Look Ross, why don't you just go
 see a
 Rachel: (entering, interrupting them) Hey guys! What's... (sees what they're
 doing and stops, the guys are stunned)
 Chandler: Okay, well, it's definite, two more weeks of winter.
 Ross: Ahhh.
 Joey: Yeah, right.
 (Rachel backs out with a confused look on her face.)
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Rachel are there, as Phoebe enters with her
 date.]
 Phoebe: (to her date) Okay, and then this is the coffee house. This is where I
 play my music. (points to the stage)
 Vince: Good deal.
 Phoebe: Yeah, and these are my friends. People. This is Vince, Vince the people.
 Rachel: Hi!
 Chandler: Hey!
 Vince: Hey!
 Phoebe: Vince is a fireman.
 Rachel: Wow! Have you ever rescued anyone from a burning building before?
 Vince: 98 hot saves, highest in the force.
 Chandler: Well, y'know if Joey and I played with matches we could get you up to
 an even hundred.
 Vince: (dead serious) Fire safety is not a joke, son.
 Chandler: You're right, I know.
 Vince: (to Phoebe) Look, I gotta go. I'm on call tonight. (kisses her) See you
 Saturday. (leaves)
 Phoebe: Okay. (watches him leave)
 Rachel: Wow, he's cute, Pheebs! But I thought you just started dating that
 Kindergarten teacher.
 Phoebe: Oh, Jason? Yeah, uh-huh, we're seeing each other tonight.
 Rachel: What-Pheebs?! Two dates in one day? That's so unlike you.
 Phoebe: I know, I know! I'm like playing the field. Y'know? Like, juggling two
 guys, I'm sowing my wild oats. Y'know? Y'know, this kind've like y'know oat-sowin',
 field-playin' juggler.
 Joey: So Pheebs, do they know about each other?
 Phoebe: Does a dog's lips move when he reads? (Joey makes an `I don't know'
 face, and looks to Chandler and Rachel, who're also stumped) Okay, no they don't.
 Ross: (entering) Hey guys!
 Joey: Hey.
 Rachel: Hi!
 (He goes over and sits down at the counter, all depressed.)
 Joey: (going over to him) Well?!
 Chandler: (joining them) Okay, how'd it go at the doctor's?
 Ross: Well, he said there's definitely nothing to worry about, it's totally
 benign.
 Joey: Well what is it?!
 Ross: He couldn't even tell me! He said it was just some sort of skin...
 abnormality. And the worst thing is he-he-he said, he said, without being able to identify
 it, he was reluctant to remove it.
 Chandler: Y'know what? You should go to my guy, because when I went in there
 with my third nipple. He just lopped it right off. Y'know? So I guess I'm lucky. I mean
 not as lucky as people who were born with two nipples.
 Ross: At least they knew what yours was. Y'know, yours had a name.
 Joey: Oh! Maybe they'll name yours after you! Y'know, they'll call it, The Ross.
 And then people would be like, 'Awww, he's got a Ross.'
 Ross: (sarcastic) Yeah, that'd be cool!
 [cut to Phoebe and Rachel as Monica returns from the bathroom]
 Monica: Pete's breaking up with me.
 All: What?!
 Monica: I just checked my messages, and he said that when he gets back from
 Atlanta, we need to talk.
 Rachel: And?
 Monica: Well that's it. People never say `We need to talk' unless it's something
 bad.
 Joey: Whoa, that doesn't necessarily mean that he's breaking up with you.
 Monica: Really?!
 Joey: Yeah, maybe he just cheated on you.
 [Scene: A Street, Phoebe is walking with her second date, Jason.]
 Jason: ...and I know I'll never miss doing it, but I gotta tell you, it's pretty
 cool knowing that you're making a difference in a kid's life.


Phoebe: That is so great! Oh, I... (sees that a parked car near them has caught
 on fire) Oh my God!
 Jason: Whoa!
 Phoebe: (the fire has worsened) Oh my God!!!
 Jason: Ahh-ahh, we'd better call the fire department!
 Phoebe: (stopping him) No! No!
 Jason: No, no?
 Phoebe: Well, we don't n-n-n-n-need a fireman, we'd, we'd like a good mechanic.
 (hears the sound of approaching sirens) Oh my God, here they come! Well, we gotta get out
 of here!
 Jason: W-w-w-wait! Why?!
 Phoebe: Well look, if I wanted to see a fireman, I would date one. Okay? (she
 drags him away)
 [Scene: A Doctor's Office, Ross is having his thing looked at by Dr. Rhodes.]
 Ross: Th-th-that's all it is, a third nipple. Y'know? Just your run-of-the-mill
 third nipple. Y'know? You can take it off. Just slice that baby right off!
 Dr. Rhodes: Take your shirt off, and let's see what we're dealing with here.
 (Ross starts to take off his pants) What are you doing?
 Ross: Just showing you my run-of-the-mill-slice-it-right-off third nipple.
 Dr. Rhodes: Well that's not a third nipple.
 Ross: No?
 Dr. Rhodes: First of all, it's on your ass.
 Ross: Well then, what is it?!
 Dr. Rhodes: Wait a minute, hold it. (He goes to the door and opens it.) Johnson!
 Will you come in here a moment?
 Dr. Johnson: I'm with Hamilton!
 Dr. Rhodes: He's good with rear things, bring him in too.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are there.]
 Monica: (starting to get up) I gotta go water Pete's plants. (stops) Y'know
 what, if he's gonna break up with me, maybe I won't water his plants.
 Chandler: Well, if he's gonna break up with you, maybe Joey and I should water
 his plants. If y'know what I mean.
 Joey: Or ha-ha, we could go over there and pee on them.
 Phoebe: (entering with Rachel)  and I-I can't take it! Y'know? I'm just,
 always afraid one of them is gonna catch me with the other one. It's making me crazy.
 Rachel: Well honey, then why don't you break up with one of them?
 Phoebe: (disgusted) Uh.
 Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa. What ah, what happened to playing the field?
 Phoebe: Well, it just, it doesn't feel like playing anymore, it feels like work.
 It's like I'm working in the field.
 Rachel: So Pheebs, pick one of them.
 Monica: Yeah. Which one do you like more?
 Phoebe: Well, Vince is great, y'know `cause, he's like a guy, guy. Y'know? He's
 so burly, he's sooo very burly. (giggles)
 Joey: Okay, good, so there you go. Go with Vince.
 Phoebe: Yeah, but Jason's really sensitive.
 Chandler: Well sensitive is important, pick him.
 Phoebe: Yeah.
 Joey: Oh sure, go with the sissy.
 Phoebe: Jason is not a sissy!
 Joey: Oh no-no-no-no, I meant Chandler.
 [Scene: Dr. Rhodes's Office, a rather large group of doctors has now gathered to take a
 look at Ross's thing. Ross is none too pleased with the developments, he has a disgusted
 look on his face.]
 Ross: Y'know I have dinner plans!!
 Dr. Rhodes: Thank you soo much for coming on such a short notice. Ladies and
 gentlemen, I've-I've-I've been practicing medicine for twenty-three years, and I'm
 stumped.
 (He removes the blanket covering the thing.)
 All: Whoa. (they all lean in to get a closer look, Ross isn't pleased)
 [Scene: Pete's apartment, Monica is there to water the plants, and is showing the gang
 around.]
 Monica: Okay, this is the den. All right, check this out. Lights! (the lights
 turn on automatically, but are very bright) Whoa! All right. Less lights! Bad lights!
 Lights go away! (they dim) Oh, see you just need to find the right command.
 Ross: Yes, and the dimmer switch.
 Joey: Whoa! For a rich guy he's got, that's a pretty small TV.
 Monica: No-no-no, that's a video-phone. But hey guys you're not supposed to be
 here, so please, do not touch anything.
 Chandler: (sitting down on the couch) I-kea! This is comfortable.
 Rachel: (entering with Phoebe) This place is amazing.
 Phoebe: God, that is the nicest kitchen.
 Monica: I know.
 Phoebe: No! But it's the nicest kitchen, the refrigerator told me to have a
 great day.
 Joey: Look at this! A millionaire's checkbook.
 Monica: Joey, put that down! (the phone rings) Oh my God! It's Pete. Okay, get
 out!! How the hell do you answer a video-phone! (steps in front of it, and automatically
 answers it)
 Pete: Monica? (the gang ducks and hides)
 Monica: I guess that's how.
 Pete: Hey Monica, how's it going.
 Monica: Oh it's umm, good! It's umm, it's good, just here watering the
 plants.
 Pete: Well don't forget that fiches over there by Rachel.
 Rachel: (standing up) Ahh... Chandler's on the couch!!
 Pete: I see him, you guys are just the worst hiders ever.
 All: (standing up) Hey Pete.
 Joey: Hi, how ya doing?
 Monica: Ahh, Pete, the other day when you said you needed to talk, umm, just so
 I know, is it good news or bad news.
 Pete: Oh, it's good news. No, it's definitely good news. Hold on a second, I
 have another call. (clicks his remote) (to his other call) Hey, how's it going?


Monica: Oh no-no-no, it's still me.
 Pete: Ah, no it's not. I've got picture-in-picture here. (to other caller) Yeah.
 (listens) Yeah, okay. I'm gonna have to call you back later. (pause) Monica? You. I'm
 gonna have to call you back.
 Monica: Oh, oh, okay umm, so I'll see you soon.
 Pete: Okay, I love you.
 Monica: I love you.
 All: I love you, love you.
 Monica: Okay. Well, it's good news. It's good news.
 Chandler: So, what do you thing the good news is?
 Joey: (looking at the checkbook) Wow! Look at this! He wrote a check for 50,000
 dollars to Hugo Ligrens Ring Design. (Monica is stunned) Oh, sorry, what do you think the
 good news is?
 [pause]
 Monica: Oh my.
 Rachel: Monica's gonna marry a millionaire!!!
 Ross: Hey, you gotta get Mom on the phone. Call Mom! Call Mom!
 (Pete's computer automatically calls Mom, Pete's Mom.)
 Pete's Mom: Hello.
 Monica: And that's Pete's Mom.
 (The gang quickly hides again.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is returning from Pete's.]
 Rachel: Mon you definitely have to make it a theme wedding, and the theme could
 be, 'Look how much money we've got!' Y'know, I mean you could put, you
 could put money in-in the invitations! You-you could have like little money place
 settings. And ah, you could start with a money salad! I mean it'll be dry, but people
 will like it.
 Monica: Would you stop? We've only been going out a couple of weeks, I mean
 we don't even know if he's gonna propose.
 Chandler: Yes, but this is Pete. Okay? He's not like other people, on your
 first date he took you to Rome. For most guys that's like a third or fourth date
 kinda thing.
 Monica: Well if-if that's what it is, then it's-it's crazy.
 Ross: Monica's right. We're talking about getting married here. Okay?
 She-she can't just rush into this.
 Rachel: Oh please, what do you know! You married a lesbian!
 (Joey laughs, Ross glares at him, and Joey stops.)
 Phoebe: All right. I gotta go. I have break up with Vince.
 Chandler: Oh, so you're going with the teacher, huh?
 Phoebe: Yeah, I like Vince a lot, y'know? But, it's just Jason's so
 sensitive, y'know? And in the long run, I think sensitive it's just better than
 having just like a really, really, really nice (pause) butt. (Her eyes glaze over thinking
 about the butt.) (pause) Jason! Definitely Jason! Okay, wish me luck!
 All: Good luck!
 (pause)
 Rachel: OH MY GOD!!! (She holds her hands up in triumph and the gang all look at
 her.) Sorry, I was just imagining what it'd be like to catch the money bouquet.
 [Scene: A Fire House, Phoebe has gone to break up with Vince.]
 Phoebe: Excuse me. Umm, is Vince here?
 Fireman: Oh sure. Vince?!
 Vince: Yo!! (slides down that pole that fire station's have)
 Phoebe: Wow! I didn't know you guys actually used those.
 Vince: So, what's up?
 Phoebe: Umm, wow. This-this isn't gonna be easy. Umm, I don't think we
 should see each other anymore.
 Vince: Uh-huh. G-good deal.
 Phoebe: I'm sorry.
 Vince: No-no it's okay. It's just that ah, I thought we had something
 pretty special here. And y'know I-I felt like you were someone I could finally open up to,
 and  (starts choking up) That there's so much in me I have to share with you
 yet.
 Phoebe: Oh my God, I didn't
 Vince: (starting to cry) I'm sorry, I can't talk. I'm gonna go
 write in my journal. (walks away)
 Phoebe: (running after him) Wait-wait-wait! Wait!!
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Ross, and Monica are there.]
 Phoebe: (to Ross) I'm telling you, if you want to take care of that thing,
 you should go to my herbal guy.
 Ross: Thank you, but I want to remove it Pheebs. I don't want to make it
 savory.
 Monica: Y'know when girls sleep with guys with weird things on their body, they
 tell their friends about it.
 Ross: Gimme this. (Grabs the herbalist's card and leaves.)
 Rachel: (entering) Hi! Okay, don't be mad at me, but I couldn't
 resist.
 Monica: Brides magazines?
 Rachel: Yes, and I know that you'd say no if he asked you, but I'm
 sorry; how great would you look walking down the aisle in this Donna Carin. (shows her the
 picture.)
 Phoebe: (gasps) Oh, you so would! Oh, you should get that anyway. (They both
 look at her.) Like for clubbing.
 Monica: It is so weird, I know what I said, but uh, this morning, I was lying in
 bed I was, I was imagining what it would be like to say yes. (Rachel slams the magazine
 shut in amazement.) I know it's a little sudden, and it's a little rushed, and
 it's totally not like me to do something like this, but that doesn't mean I
 can't. Right? I mean I'm-I'm crazy about Pete, and I know that we want the
 same things, and when I thought about saying yes, it made me really happy.


Rachel: Oh my God. (starting to cry)
 Monica: I know. (pause) I need more pie. (goes and gets some)
 Phoebe: Hey Mon umm, if you do get married, can I bring two guests?
 Rachel: You didn't break up with that fireman?
 Phoebe: No, that was my way of telling you. Well, it turns out he's
 incredibly sensitive, he keeps a journal and he paints. He even showed me charcoal
 drawings that he drew of me.
 Rachel: Wow!
 Phoebe: Yeah, well he'd prefer water colors, but y'know, he has easy access
 to a lot of charcoal.
 Monica: So then, are you going to dump Jason?
 Phoebe: Well, yeah, because I have to break up with someone, and  Okay so
 Jason is sensitive, (holds up one finger) but now so's Vince (holds up one finger on
 her other hand) Plus, Vince has the body y'know? (holds up two more fingers on the Vince
 side) So  It's really just about the math.
 [Scene: Jason's apartment, Phoebe has gone to break up with Jason.]
 Phoebe: (knocks on the door) Jason?
 Jason: Yeah, come on in.
 (She goes in, and sees Jason without his shirt. It turns out that he has a great body
 too, and is at a loss for words.)
 Jason: So Phoebe, you ah, sounded kinda serious on the phone, is ah, is anything
 wrong?
 Phoebe: Nah-ha!
 [Scene: Phoebe's Herbal Guy's office, Ross is there about his thing. Ross is
 looking around the exam room, and he goes over to a large bank of drawers, pulls one out
 and almost spills it as the herbalist, Guru Saj, enters.]
 Guru Saj: You must be Ross.
 Ross: Hi.
 Guru Saj: I am Guru Saj. (takes the drawer back and replaces)
 Ross: Listen, I got to tell you I've-I've never been to a guru before,
 so...
 Guru Saj: Well, relax. If it makes you feel better, I've attended some of
 the finest medical schools in Central America. Well then, let's take a look at this
 skin abnormality of yours. (motions to the table) Come on, have a seat. (looks at it) Eeh,
 huh. As I suspected, it's a koondis!
 Ross: What's a koondis?
 Guru Saj: I don't know, what's a koondis with you? (starts laughing as
 if that joke was funny, Ross only looks at him, and he stops) Please, lie down! I've
 got a sav that oughta shrink that right up.
 Ross: I guess it's worth a try.
 Guru Saj: Oh sure, we should see results Whoa!! Clearly not the way to go!!
 (quickly wipes it off)
 Ross: What?! What?!
 Guru Saj: We appear to have angered it.
 Ross: We?! We angered it?!
 Guru Saj: Oh, I think I see the problem. And I'm afraid we're gonna
 have to use a much stronger tool. (Ross gives him a  What?' look) Love.
 Ross: Oh God!
 Guru Saj: (He starts moving his hands around in circles above the thing.) Ross,
 there is absolutely no way this is going to come off unless you start to
 Ross: Ow!!
 Guru Saj: Oops.
 Ross: What was, what was that?
 Guru Saj: Well it's gone.
 Ross: What?! How's that?
 Guru Saj: It got caught on my watch.
 Ross: Hey! (congratulates him)
 [Scene: Pete's apartment, Pete and Monica are coming back from a date.]
 Pete: Lights. (The lights turn on, once again they're too bright.) Uh,
 romantic lights. (The lights dim.)
 Monica: Ooh, nice.
 Pete: So ah, there was this thing I wanted to talk to you about.
 Monica: Oh, right! I completely forgot about that.
 Pete: Well ah, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I look at my
 life
 Monica: Yeah?
 Pete: And I feel like I've conquered the business world, and I feel like
 I've conquered the intellectual world, and now I-I have the most beautiful woman in
 the world.
 Monica: Wow.
 Pete: There's one thing missing.
 Monica: What's that?
 Pete: It's time for me to conquer the physical world.
 Monica: Okay. (not sure of herself)
 Pete: Monica, I want to become (pause) the Ultimate Fighting Champion.
 Monica: You wanna what?!
 Pete: I want to become the Ultimate Fighting Champion! It's the most
 intense physical competition in the world, it's banned in 49 states!
 Monica: What are you talking about?
 Pete: Okay, my trainer, Ho Chi, is teaching me a combination of Gee Koon Doe and
 Brazilian street fighting, I've even had my own octagon training ring designed.
 Monica: And I suppose you used a ring designer for that.
 Pete: Yeah. Monica, I want you there in the front row when I win. I want you
 close enough to smell the blood. What do you think?
 Monica: My parents will be so happy.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe's singing, Vince is also there.]
 Phoebe: (singing) 'Crazy underwear, creepin' up my butt. (Jason
 enters) Crazy underwear, always in a rut. Crazy under-(sees Jason)-wear ' (In
 her head) Oh No! What is he doing here? All right, just keep playing, just keep
 playing. You'll get through this; you'll be fine. (She tries to continue the
 song, but she has lost the ability to pronounce words, and the lyrics come out as
 gibberish.) (giving up on the song) Okay, thank you. And, as always no one talk to me
 after the show.
 (They all applaud her.)
 Jason: (going up to her) Hey. I was


 The One With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
 The One With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
 Story by: Mark J. Kunerth & Pang-ni Landrum
 Teleplay by: Scott Silveri & Shana Goldberg-Meehan
 Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
 [Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang minus Monica is there.]
 Chandler: Do you think that there's a town in Missouri or some place called
 Sample? And ah, as you're driving into town there's-there's like a sign,
 and it says 'You're in Sample.' (He says it like urine sample.)
 Monica: (entering) Hey.
 All: Hey!
 Rachel: How'd it go with Pete?!
 Joey: Tell us!
 Monica: You're not gonna believe this. Okay, so I go over...
 [Two guys walk over and interrupt her. They're both names you've already
 heard. One's Billy Crystal. Yes, that Billy Crystal from City Slickers.
 The other one is Robin Williams. Yes, that Robin Williams from Mrs. Doubtfire.]
 Billy Crystal: I'm sorry. Ex-excuse us. I'm sorry, it's a little
 crowded. Do you mind if we... (motions to the couch)
 Robin Williams: Yeah, could you scooch?
 Billy: Yeah, move over just a little bit.
 (Rachel, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey all scooch over to let them sit down.)
 Robin: Keep on scooching.
 [cut to Monica telling the gang about what happened at Pete's]
 Monica: So guys, listen, I go over there, and umm...
 (Robin interrupts her again by complaining loudly to Billy as the camera cuts to them.)
 Robin: Why? Why?! What's wrong with me?!
 Billy: What's the matter?
 Robin: I have a feelin'... I, my wife is sleeping with her gynaecologist.
 (The gang is now eaves dropping in on the conversation, and is shocked.)
 Billy: How do you know?
 Robin: Well y'know, he's got access.
 Billy: Yeah.
 Robin: Y'know it's that feeling you get, y'know?
 Billy: Like when you go bowling and you know you're in somebody else's
 shoes?
 Robin: That's the one.
 [cut back to the gang.]
 Phoebe: All right, so, so you went to Pete's...
 Ross: What happened?
 Monica: (Robin is speaking loudly again) I...
 [cut to Billy and Robin]
 Robin: Why is this happening to me?! I don't know, maybe it's my
 wound.
 [cut to the gang]
 Monica: Forget it. (they all turn and listen to Billy and Robin)
 Billy: So it's-it's not heeled yet?
 Robin: No-no, it's ooozing, oozing. (to Rachel) Could you pass me the
 cream? Is there any Oh, there's the cream.
 Billy: Thomas, this is gonna be hard, but I wanted it to come from me, and
 nobody else.
 Robin: What is it, Tim?
 Billy: It's me, I've been sleeping with your wife.
 Joey: (to Billy) So you're the gynaecologist?
 Billy: (to Joey) Hey, I'm trying to have a private conversation! Is that
 okay?!
 Robin: (starting to cry) Ooh, (to Rachel) Can I have a napkin, please? Could you
 please hand me a napkin? (Rachel tries to grab one, but is to slow for his tastes.) Would
 you--Give me this thing (grabs the napkin holder from her.) all right!! Enough! (to Billy)
 And you are no longer my friend! We are finished! (gets up to leave) Nada!! No more! You
 are a bastard for doing this!! (Billy follows him) Get away from me!!
 Billy: Thomas, come back here! (they both leave)
 [cut to the gang, they're all stunned]
 Phoebe: So Monica, what were you gonna tell us?
 Monica: (pause) I have no idea.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]
 Rachel: So, come on, what was the big news Pete wanted to tell you Mon?! Or
 should I say Mrs. Monica Becker?
 Phoebe: No-no-no oh, keep your name, don't take his name.
 Monica: He didn't ask me to marry him.
 All: Ohh.
 Phoebe: Well then definately don't take his name.
 Monica: He wanted to tell me he's gonna compete is some ultimate fighting
 competition thingy.
 The Guys: Pete?!
 Rachel: Why?! What is it?
 Monica: I don't know exactly. It's-it's sorta like wrestling.
 Phoebe: (intrigued) Oh?!
 Monica: Yeah, but without the costumes.
 Phoebe: (disappointed) Oh.
 Joey: And it's not fake, it's totally brutal.
 Chandler: Yeah, it's two guys in a ring, and the rules are:
 'They're are no rules.'
 Monica: So you can like, bite, and pull people's hair and stuff?
 Ross: Yeah, anything goes, except ah, eye gouging and fish hooking.
 Monica: What's fish hooking?
 Ross: Huh, what's fish hooking... (Joey sticks his finger in Ross's
 mouth and pulls on his cheek, y'know like when you hook a fish.) (to Joey, sarcastic)
 Thanks man, that would have been really hard to describe. What is that taste?
 Joey: What? My hands are totally clean, I just gave the duck a bath.
 [Scene: Chandler's office, he is just finishing a meeting with his boss.]
 Doug: So thanks for the warm welcome. It's good to have you guys on my
 team, and I come to play. I hope you do too. Now, let's go out there and get
  em! Huh? And remember, there is no  I' in team.