Rachel: Would you excuse me for a second?
 Monica: (as Rachel) Remember back in freshman year? (Talking fast before Rachel
 can catch her) Well, Billy Dreskin and I had sex on your bed.
 (Completely undone by Monica's verbal destruction, Rachel almost loses her balance as
 she staggers backwards, eyes agog, gasping for breath, and literally not knowing which way
 to turn. Finally, she escapes into the bathroom while a resigned Dr. Mitchell looks
 philosophically at Dr. Rosen who seems about remind him of the good old days at the pagan
 altar.)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Ross, Phoebe, Chandler and Monica sit
 round the coffee table, playing Scrabble. Rachel, still in her dressing gown, is pleading
 on the phone, her free hand shaking with agitation.]
 Rachel: (on phone) Daddy... Daddy... Daddy, why whyyy would I sleep with Billy
 Dreskin? His father tried to put you out of business! (Rachel turns to Monica, clasping
 the receiver to her bosom so Dr.Green can't hear, while mouthing 'You are...')
 ...dead!
 (Monica smiles a sweet apology of regret, until she's distracted by Marcel as he
 clambers all over her nice furniture.)
 Monica: Ross, he's got the remote again.
 Ross: Good. Maybe he can switch it back.
 (Marcel changes channel to Bugs Bunny, who is speaking in Spanish.)
 Ross: Maybe not.
 (Meanwhile, Rachel has taken another call, from a nurse she'd hoped never to hear from
 again.)
 Rachel: Hello? (Listens) Um, yeah, uh, (snapping her fingers at Ross who takes
 the remote from Marcel, then turns off the TV) Okay ah, hold on a second, lemme lemme just
 check and see if see if she's here.
 (All animosity forgotten, Rachel holds the receiver out as she limps quickly over to
 her friend, who stands up in concern.)
 Rachel: It's the woman from the hospital admissions office. She says there's a
 problem with the form. Oh, god, oh god...
 Rachel and Monica: Oh god, waddawe do, waddawe do, waddawe do?
 Monica: I don't know! Why don't you just explain? What do they want? Find out
 what they want!
 Rachel: Okay (desperately hands the receiver over) no, you do it.
 Monica: (taking the phone) Hello, this is Monica... Yeah??? Oh... (Smiles at
 Rachel to reassure her) Okay, yes, we'll be right, we'll be right down.(Listens) Thank
 you. (Hangs up)
 Rachel: What?
 Monica: We forgot to sign one of the admissions forms.
 Rachel: Ohhh... (slumping in relief) Okay, you were right. You were right! This
 was just not worth it.
 Monica: Thank you.
 Rachel: Okay, let me just change.
 Monica: Yes.
 (Rachel goes to her room.)
 Joey: (entering quietly) Hey.
 Ross and Chandler: Hey!
 Monica: Hi.
 Phoebe: Trouble?
 Joey: Your sister stood me up the other night.
 Phoebe: Oh, no. Don't you hate it when people aren't there for
 you?
 Ross: Well did you try calling her?
 Joey: I've been trying for two days. When I called the restaurant, they said she
 was too busy to talk. I can't believe she's blowin' me off.
 (Phoebe wants to be angry with Joey, but as she watches him shaking his head in pain
 and disbelief, she knows that it isn't his fault.)
 [Scene: Riff's, Phoebe is entering. Ursula returns with two plates of chicken, but she
 only has time to set one on the table, when...]
 Phoebe: Hey.
 (Ursula turns in surprise.)
 Ursula: Oh!
 Phoebe: Um you, you got a minute?
 Ursula: Um, yeah, I'm just... (waving dismissively at the concept) ..working.
 (Ursula points out a vacant table, so the twins walk over, side by side, to sit down.
 Departing customers walk right past the pair. Sitting at the back, a hungry gentleman
 looks most annoyed as Ursula sets his meal down in front of her. The girls sit.)
 Phoebe: So.
 Ursula: Uh-huh.
 (Ursula is genuinely pleased that her sister has visited her, after so many years.
 Phoebe hesitates over how best to begin.)
 Phoebe: Um, oh, I got you a birthday present.
 (Ursula picks up a fork and begins eating the meat, while Phoebe removes a present from
 her bag.)
 Ursula: Oh, wow! You remembered! (Opening it) Oh! It's a Judy Jetson thermos!
 (She laughs at the childhood memory. Phoebe smiles at being able to make her point.)
 Phoebe: Right, like the kind you...
 Ursula: Right... Oh, I got something for you, too.
 (Ursula gets up to fetch a box from her bag by the counter.)
 Phoebe: How'd you know I was coming?
 Ursula: Um, yeah, um, twin thing.
 (Ursula puts the box directly into Phoebe's hand. Phoebe brightens.)
 Phoebe: I can't believe you did this.
 (Phoebe opens the box, to find something familiar inside.)
 Phoebe: I can't believe you... (holding up Joey's cardigan) ..did this.
 (Phoebe's smile hardens as she packs the cardigan away.)
 Phoebe: So... What's the deal with umm, you and Joey?
 Ursula: Oh, right. He is so great. But that's over.
 (Ursula resumes eating her lunch..)


Phoebe: Does he know?
 Ursula: Who?
 Phoebe: Joey. You know, um, he's really nutsy about you.
 Ursula: He is? Why?
 Phoebe: You got me.
 Ursula: Right.
 (A waiter comes over for the stolen chicken. Ursula turns to him.)
 Ursula: Excuse me. Doesn't this come with a side salad?
 (The man gives up, shaking his head.)
 Phoebe: So, um, are you gonna call him?
 Ursula: What? (Indicating the departing waiter) Do you think he likes me?
 Phoebe: No, Joey.
 Ursula: Oh. No, no, he is so smart. He'll figure it out. (Offering to share her
 food) Do you want some chicken?
 Phoebe: No. No food with a face.
 Ursula: You have not changed!
 (Ursula's eyes dance as she laughs and smiles, simply glad to be back with her sister.)
 Phoebe: Yeah, you too.
 (Trying not to wrinkle her nose, Phoebe smiles back realising it's down to her to make
 up for her negligent sister. Meanwhile, Ursula still hasn't received her side salad, but
 when she attempts to attract the waiter's attention, he ignores her.)
 [Scene: The Emergency Room. The officious admissions nurse is again on duty. Rachel and
 Monica enter, looking worried. As they approach the desk, Rachel adopts a winning smile,
 while Monica struggles to smile at all.]
 Rachel: (as Monica) Hi, remember us?
 Nurse: (Grimacing) Mmm hmmm.
 Monica: (as Rachel) Um, okay. You just called a little while ago about needing a
 signature on the admissions form. Well, it turns out we need a whole new one
 (little laugh) because uh, you see, I-I, I put the wrong name again. (Little laugh) 'cause
 um...
 Nurse: You're that stupid.
 Monica: (as Rachel) I am. I'm that stupid. (Little laugh.)
 Rachel: (as Monica) Yeah, and and, I'm just gonna pay for this with a check.
 Nurse: Well, you know your insurance will cover that.
 Rachel: (as Monica) Yeah, I know... (mirroring her friend) ..I'm I'm just not
 that bright either.
 (The girls escape with a new form.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is neglecting the game of Scrabble, for
 he's busily drawing on his own childhood in an attempt to help Ross. Marcel chitters
 about.]
 Chandler: Okay, worst case scenario. Say you never feel like a father.
 Ross: Uh-huh.
 Chandler: Say your son never feels connected to you, as one. Say all of his
 relationships are affected by this.
 Ross: Do you have a point?
 Chandler: You know, you think I would.
 (Instead of scampering, Marcel stretches his neck as much as possible, and makes an
 unvoiced noise from his throat.)
 Chandler: What's up with the simian?
 Ross: It's just a fur ball.
 Chandler: Okay... (returning to the board) ..whose turn is it?
 Ross: Yours, I just got 43 points for 'KIDNEY'.
 Chandler: No, no, you got zero points for 'IDNEY'.
 Ross: I had a 'K'. Where's where's my 'K'?
 (The unvoiced hissing continues. In alarm, Ross and Chandler look at the monkey, who is
 now in some distress.)
 [Scene: The Emergency Room, Monica sits with Rachel, who is filling out an honest form
 at last. Ross and Chandler hurtle in. Little Marcel, wrapped in a fluffy towel, is cradled
 in Ross's arms. They dash up to the admissions desk. Ross is frantic.]
 Ross: You've got to help me my monkey swallowed a 'K'!
 (Hearing her brother's voice, Monica gets up to stand behind Chandler, followed by
 Rachel.)
 Nurse: (angrily) You go get that animal outta here.
 Ross: No, no you don't understand the animal hospital is way across town he's
 choking I don't know what else to do.
 Monica: What's goin' on?
 (Ross and Chandler turn at the voice...)
 Chandler: Marcel swallowed a Scrabble tile.
 Rachel: Oh.
 (..then turn back to the desk when the surprise hits them, and Ross and Chandler whip
 around once more. Monica and Rachel recoil slightly.)
 Nurse: Excuse me... This hospital is for people!
 Ross: Lady, he is people. He has a name, okay? He watches Jeopardy!
 He he touches himself when nobody's watching. Please, please have a heart!
 (Ross's vigorous protest is attracting attention.)
 Dr. Mitchell: I'll take a look at him.
 (Rachel, Monica, Ross and Chandler whip around for a second time, in formation.)
 Rachel and Monica: Oh, thank you.
 Monica: Michael.
 Dr. Mitchell: Rachel.
 Rachel: What?
 Monica: (as Rachel) Monica.
 Rachel: (as Monica) Oh.
 Monica: (as Rachel) Hi.
 Rachel: (as Monica) Hi.
 (Monica smiles to cover her embarrassment, but Rachel sadly looks away...)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is playing 'She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not' with
 the petals of a flower, alternately looking hopeful and annoyed. Phoebe enters, but not as
 herself, for she has changed the style of her hair and make-up to match that of her twin
 sister. She hangs up her coat, revealing her new cardigan. Nervously, she smooths out the
 identifying garment, approaching Joey who sits next to the main sofa.]
 Phoebe: (as Ursula) Hey.


 The One With All The Poker
 The One With All The Poker
 Written by: Jeffrey Astrof and Mike Sikowitz. .
 Transcribed by: Dan Silverstein
 (The whole gang is helping Rachel mail out resumes while whistling the theme from The
 Bridge on the River Kwai.)
 Ross: Uh, Rach, we're running low on resumes over here.
 Monica: Do you really want a job with Popular Mechanics?
 Chandler: Well, if you're gonna work for mechanics, those are the ones to work
 for.
 Rachel: Hey, look, you guys, I'm going for anything here, OK? I cannot be a
 waitress anymore, I mean it. I'm sick of the lousy tips, I'm sick of being called 'Excuse
 me...'
 Ross: Rach, did you proofread these?
 Rachel: Uh... yeah, why?
 Ross: Uh, nothing, I'm sure they'll be impressed with your excellent compuper
 skills.
 Rachel: (upset) Oh my Goood! Oh, do you think it's on all of them?
 Joey: Oh no, I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler are sitting at a table. Rachel is working.
 Monica and Phoebe enter.]
 Monica: Hey, guys.
 Chandler and Ross: Hey.
 Rachel: Hey... hi, ladies... uh, can I get you anything? (to Monica, quietly):
 Did you bring the mail?
 Monica: Lots of responses.
 Rachel: (to Monica): Really? (out loud): Sure, we have scones left! (to Monica):
 OK, read them to me.
 Phoebe: (reading): Dear Ms. Green, thank you for your inquiry, however... oh...
 (crumples up letter)
 Rachel: (out loud): We have apple cinnamon...
 Monica: (reading): OK... Dear Ms. Green... yeah... yeah... yeah... No. (crumpes
 up letter)
 Phoebe: Wow!
 Rachel: What?
 Phoebe: (reading): Your Visa bill is huge!
 Rachel: (grabs the bill) Give me that!
 (Camera cuts to Chandler and Ross at table.)
 Chandler: You know, I can't believe you. Linda is so great! Why won't you go out
 with her again?
 Ross: I don't know.
 Chandler: Is this still about her whole 'The Flintstones could've really
 happened' thing?
 Ross: No, it's not just that. It's just I want someone who... who does
 something for me, y'know? Who gets my heart pounding, who... who makes me, uh... (begins
 to stare lovingly at Rachel)
 Chandler: ...little playthings with yarn?
 Ross: What?
 Chandler: Could you want her more?
 Ross: Who?
 Chandler: (sarcastically) Dee, the sarcastic sister from Whats Happening.
 Ross: Look, I am totally, totally over her, OK, I just... (Rachel comes over,
 Ross lays head on table): Hiiii!
 Rachel: Hi! How are you?
 Ross: We're fine, we're fine.
 Rachel: OK. (walks away)
 (Ross keeps staring at her, head on table. Chandler smacks him with a newspaper. Joey
 enters, Ross and Chandler laugh at him.)
 Joey: Shut up!
 Chandler: We're not we're not saying anything.
 Phoebe: What?
 Ross: Uhhhh... Joey cried last night.
 Joey: Thank you.
 Chandler: (to the girls) We were playing poker, alright...
 Joey: There was chocolate on the three. It looked like an eight, alright?
 Ross: Oh, guys, you should've seen him. 'Read 'em and weep.'
 Chandler: And then he did.
 Rachel: Well, now, how come you guys have never played poker with us?
 Phoebe: Yeah, what is that? Like, some kind of guy thing? Like, some kind of
 sexist guy thing? Like it's poker, so only guys can play?
 Ross: No, women are welcome to play.
 Phoebe: Oh, OK, so then what is it? Some kind of... you know, like, like... some
 kind of, y'know, like... alright, what is it?
 Chandler: There just don't happen to be any women in our games.
 Joey: Yeah, we just don't happen to know any women that know how to play poker.
 Girls: Oh, yeah, right.
 Monica: Oh, please, that is such a lame excuse!
 Rachel: Really.
 Monica: I mean, that's a typical guy response.
 Ross: Excuse me, do any of you know how to play?
 Girls: No.
 Rachel: But you could teach us.
 Guys: No.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the guys are teaching the girls how to play poker.]
 Chandler: (teaching) OK, so now we draw cards.
 Monica: So I wouldn't need any, right? Cause I have a straight.
 Rachel: Oh, good for you!
 Phoebe: Congratulations!
 (Microwave timer goes off. Monica gets up.)
 Chandler: OK Phoebs, how many do you want?
 Phoebe: OK, I just need two... the, um, ten of spades and the six of clubs.
 Ross: No. No, uh, Phoebs? You can't you can't do...
 Rachel: Oh wait, I have the ten of spades! Here! (gives it to Phoebe)
 Ross: No, no. Uh... no, see, uh, you-you can't do that.
 Rachel: Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no, that's OK, I don't need them. I'm going for
 fours.
 Ross: Oh, you're... (gives up)
 (Monica comes back to the table with plates of food.)
 Monica: Alright, here we go. We've got salmon roulettes and assorted crudites.
 Phoebe and Rachel: OOooooo!
 Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Monica, what're you doin'? This is a poker game. You
 can't serve food with more than one syllable. It's gotta be like chips, or dip, or
 pretz...(look of realization)


Chandler: (changing subject) OK, so at this point, the dealer...
 Monica: Alright, you know, we got it, we got it. Let's play for real. High
 stakes... big bucks...
 Ross: Alright, now, you sure? Phoebe just threw away two jacks because they
 didn't look happy...
 Phoebe: But... I'm ready, so, just deal.
 Chandler: OK, alright, last minute lesson, last minute lesson. (holds up two
 cards) Joey... three... eight. Eight... three. (Joey is unamused) Alright babe, deal the
 cards.
 (Time lapse.)
 Monica: (throws down her cards) Dammit, dammit, dammit!
 Phoebe: (to Joey): Oh I see, so then, you were lying.
 Joey: About what?
 Phoebe: About how good your cards were.
 Joey: Heh... I was bluffing.
 Phoebe: A-ha! And... what is bluffing? Is it not another word for... lying?
 Rachel: OK, sorry to break up this party, but I've got resumes to fax before
 work tomorrow... (gets up to leave)
 Guys: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
 Chandler: Rach, Rach, we gotta settle.
 Rachel: Settle what?
 Chandler: The... Jamestown colony of Virginia. You see, King George is giving us
 the land, so...
 Ross: The game, Rachel, the game. You owe us money for the game.
 Rachel: Oh. Right.
 Joey: You know what, you guys? It's their first time, why don't we just forget
 about the money, alright?
 Monica: Hell no, we'll pay!
 Phoebe: OK, Monica? I had another answer all ready.
 Monica: And you know what? We want a rematch.
 Ross: Well that's fine with me. Could use the money.
 Rachel: (to Ross): So basically, you get your ya-yas by taking money from all of
 your friends.
 Ross: (pause)...Yeah.
 Chandler: Yes, and I get my ya-yas from Ikea. You have to put them
 together yourself, but they cost a little less.
 Ross: Look, Rachel, this is poker. I play to win, alright? In order for me to
 win, other people have to lose. So if you're gonna play poker with me, don't expect me to
 be a 'nice guy,' OK? Cause once those cards are dealt... (claps hands three times)
 Joey: (pause)...Yeah?
 Ross: I'm not a nice guy.
 [Scene: Ross' apartment. Chandler and Joey are there. Ross enters with a pizza.]
 Ross: Alright boys, let's eat.
 Chandler: Oh, did you get that from the 'I Love Rachel' pizzeria?
 Ross: You still on that?
 Chandler: Oh, come on. What was with that whole Black Bart speech? (mimicking):
 'When I play poker, I'm not a nice guy!'
 Ross: You are way off, pal.
 Joey: No, I don't think so, see Ross, because I think you love her.
 Ross: Um.... no. See, I might've had feelings for her at one time not any
 more. I just I...
 (Marcel makes a screeching noise in background.)
 Ross: Marcel! Where are you going with that disc?
 (Marcel puts a CD in the player.)
 Ross: You are not putting that on again! Marcel, OK if you press that
 button, you are in very, very big trouble.
 (The Lion Sleeps Tonight starts to play. Marcel starts to dance.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe are there.]
 Rachel: (opening mail) Can you believe what a jerk Ross was being?
 Monica: Yeah, I know. He can get really competitive.
 Phoebe: Ha. Ha, ha.
 Monica: What?
 Phoebe: Oh, hello, kettle? This is Monica. You're black.
 Monica: Please! I am not as bad as Ross.
 Rachel: Oh, I beg to differ. The Pictionary incident?
 Monica: That was not an incident! I-I was gesturing, a-and the plate
 slipped out of my hand.
 Rachel: Oooooh. (reads letter) (surprised): Oh! I got an interview! I got an
 interview!
 Monica: You're kidding! Where? Where?
 Rachel: (in disbelief): Sak's... Fifth... Avenue.
 Monica: Oh, Rachel!
 Phoebe: Oh, it's like the mother ship is calling you home.
 Monica: Well, what's the job?
 Rachel: Assistant buyer. Oh! I would be shopping... for a living!
 (Knock on door.)
 Monica: OK, look. That is Aunt Iris. This woman has been playing poker since she
 was five. You gotta listen to every word she says. (opens door) Hi!
 Aunt Iris: Is Tony Randall dead?
 Rachel: No.
 Monica: I don't think so.
 Rachel: Why?
 Aunt Iris: Well, he may be now, because I think I hit him with my car.
 Monica: What?
 Rachel: Oh my God!
 Monica: Really?
 Aunt Iris: No! That's bluffing. Lesson number one. (walks into kitchen) Let me
 tell you something... everything you hear at a poker game is pure crap. (to Phoebe): Nice
 earrings.
 Phoebe: Thank y... (thinks about it)
 Aunt Iris: Girls, sit down.
 Monica: Uh, Aunt Iris? This is Phoebe, and that's Rachel...
 Aunt Iris: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, listen, I am parked at a meter. Let's
 do it.
 [Scene: Ross's apartment, everyone but Rachel is seated around his table. The Lion
 Sleep Tonight plays in the background.]
 Phoebe: Ross, could we please, please, please listen to anything else?
 Ross: Alright.
 (Ross shuts off the CD player. Marcel runs into the bedroom and slams the door.)


Ross: I'm gonna pay for that tonight.
 (Knock on door. Ross opens it. Rachel enters.)
 Rachel: Hi!
 Ross: Hey.
 Rachel: Guys! Guess what, guess what, guess what, guess what!
 Chandler: Um, ok... the... the fifth dentist caved and now they're all
 recommending Trident?
 Rachel: Noooo... the interview! She loved me! She absolutely loved me. We talked
 for like two and a half hours, we have the same taste in clothes, and oh, I went to
 camp with her cousin... And, oh, the job is perfect. I can do this. I can do this well!
 All: That's great! That's wonderful!
 Rachel: Oh God, oh, and then she told the funniest story...
 Monica: OK, great. You'll tell us and we'll laugh. Let's play poker.
 Joey: Alright now listen, you guys, we talked about it, and if you don't want to
 play, we completely understand.
 Chandler: Oh yes, yes, we could play some other game... like, uh, I don't
 know... Pictionary?
 (The guys all duck under the table.)
 Monica: Ha, ha, very funny, very funny. But I think we'd like to give poker
 another try. Shall we, ladies?
 Phoebe and Rachel: Yes, we should. I think we should.
 Ross: Uh, Rach, do you want me to shuffle those?
 Rachel: No, no, thats OK. Y'know, I think I'm gonna give it a go.
 Ross: Alright.
 Rachel: Alright... (shuffles cards expertly, all the guys stare in amazement)
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Ross's Apartment, continued from earlier.]
 Ross: So, Phoebs owes $7.50, Monica, you owe $10, and Rachel, you owe fifteen
 big ones.
 Joey: But hey, thanks for teachin' us Cross-Eyed Mary. You guys, we gotta play
 that at our regular game.
 Phoebe: Alright, here's my $7.50. (Hands them the money) But I think you should
 know that this money is cursed.
 Joey: What?
 Phoebe: Oh, I cursed it. So now bad things will happen to he who spends it.
 Chandler: That's alright, I'll take it. Bad things happen to me anyway. This way
 I can break 'em up with a movie.
 Ross: Well, that just leaves the big Green poker machine, who owes fifteen...
 Rachel: Mmm-hmmm. Oh, so typical. Ooo, I'm a man. Ooo, I have a penis. Ooo, I
 have to win money to exert my power over women. (hands over her money)
 Monica: You know what? This is not over. We will play you again, and we will
 win, and you will lose, and you will beg, and we will laugh, and we will take every last
 dime you have, and you will hate yourselves forever.
 Rachel: Hmm. Kinda stepped on my point there, Mon.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there ready for another poker game.]
 Ross: So, you gals wanna hand over your money now? That way, we don't have to go
 through the formality of actually playing.
 Rachel: Ooooh, that's fine. We'll see who has the last laugh there, monkey boy.
 Monica: OK, we done with the chit-chat? Are we ready to play some serious poker?
 Phoebe: (holding a card and waving it in front of her face) Hey you guys, look,
 the one-eyed jack follows me wherever I go. (they look at her) Right, OK, serious poker.
 (Ross gets up from the table.)
 Monica: Excuse me, where are you going?
 Ross: Uh... to the bathroom.
 Monica: Do you want to go to the bathroom, or do you wanna play poker?
 Ross: I want to go to the bathroom. (exits)
 Joey: Alright, well, I'm gonna order a pizza. (gets up)
 Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no-no, I'm still waiting to hear from that job and the store
 closes at nine, so you can eat then.
 Joey: That's fine. I'll just have a Tic-Tac to hold me over.
 Monica: Alright, Cincinnati, no blinds, everybody ante. (deals cards)
 Phoebe: (looks at her cards) Yes! (everyone looks at her) .... or no.
 (Ross comes back from bathroom.)
 Ross: Alright. (to Rachel): Your money's mine, Green.
 Rachel: Your fly is open, Geller. (he checks it, and zips up)
 (Time lapse.)
 Phoebe: You guys, you know what I just realized? 'Joker' is 'poker' with a 'J.'
 Coincidence?
 Chandler: Hey, that's... that's 'joincidence' with a 'C'!
 Joey: Uh... Phoebe? Phoebe?
 Phoebe: Yeah. Um... I'm out. (throws in cards)
 Rachel: I'm in.
 Monica: Me too.
 Joey: Me too. Alright, whattaya got.
 Ross: Well, you better hop outta the shower, cause... I gotta flush. (lays down
 cards)
 Rachel: Well, well, well, hop back in bucko, cause I got four sixes! (lays down
 cards) I won! I actually won! Oh my God! Y'know what? (collects chips) I think I'm gonna
 make a little Ross pile. (holds up a chip) I think that one was Ross's, and I
 think oh that one was Ross's. Yes! (Starts singing): Well, I have got your
 money, and you'll never see it...
 (Ross stands up.)
 Rachel: And your fly's still open...
 (Ross looks down.)
 Rachel: Ha, I made you look....
 (Time lapse.)
 Rachel: I couldn't be inner. Monica?


Phoebe: Monica, in or out?
 Monica: (slams down cards) I hate this game!
 (Joey slides a plate away from Monica towards Chandler, who hides it under the table.)
 Phoebe: OK Joey, your bet.
 Joey: Ahhh, I fold like a cheap hooker who got hit in the stomach by a fat guy
 with sores on his face. (the girls look at him, confused) Oh, I'm out.
 Phoebe: Ross?
 Ross: Oh, I am very in.
 Phoebe: Chandler?
 Chandler: Couldn't be more out. (throws in cards)
 Phoebe: Me too. Rachel.
 Rachel: Uh, I will see you... and I'll raise you. (throws chips in pot) What do
 you say... want to waste another buck?
 Ross: No, not this time. (he folds) So... what'd you have?
 Rachel: I'm not telling. (collects chips)
 Ross: Come on, show them to me. (reaches for her cards, Rachel covers them up)
 Rachel: No..!
 Ross: Show them to me!
 Rachel: Get your hands out of there! No!
 Ross: Let me see! Show them!
 Chandler: Y'know, I've had dates like this.
 Rachel: (deals new hand) Boy, you really can't stand to lose, can you? Your
 whole face is getting red... little veins popping out on your temple...
 Phoebe: Plus that shirt doesn't really match those pants.
 (Ross is visibly upset.)
 Ross: First of all, I'm not losing...
 Rachel: Oh, you are losing. Definitely losing. (phone rings)
 Ross: Let's not talk about losing. Just deal the...
 Rachel: (answering phone) Hel-lo, Rachel Green.
 Ross: (mimicking Rachel) Mee mee, mee-mee mee.
 Rachel: (on phone) Excuse me. (covers up phone; to Ross) It's about the job.
 (Rachel walks into kitchen to talk on the phone.)
 Rachel: Barbara! Hi, how are you? (Listens) Uh-huh. (Listens) No, I understand.
 Yeah. Oh, oh, come on, no, I'm fine. Don't be silly. Yeah... oh, but you know, if-if
 anything else opens up, plea Hello? Hello? (hangs up phone, very depressed)
 (Rachel goes back and sits down. The rest don't know what to say.)
 Monica: Sorry, Rach.
 Phoebe: Y'know, there's gonna be lots of other stuff.
 Rachel: Yeah...(sigh)....OK. Where were we? Oh, OK... five card draw, uh...
 jacks or better... nothing wild, everybody ante.
 Joey: Look, Rachel, we don't have to do this.
 Rachel: Yes, we do. (pause)
 Monica: Alright, check.
 Joey: Check.
 Ross: I'm in for fifty cents. (throws it in)
 Chandler: Call.
 Phoebe: I'm in.
 Rachel: I see your fifty cents... and I raise you... five dollars. (throws it
 in)
 Ross: I thought, uh... it was a fifty cent limit.
 Rachel: Well, I just lost a job, and I'd like to raise the bet five bucks. Does
 anybody have a problem with that?
 (Everyone says no and folds, except for Ross, who thinks about it.)
 Rachel: (to Ross): Loser?
 (Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe back their chairs away from the table.)
 Ross: No, I fold. (lays cards down, and gets up)
 Rachel: What do you mean, you fold? Hey, come on! What is this? I thought that
 'once the cards were dealt, I'm not a nice guy.' I mean, what, were you just full of it?
 (Ross thinks it over, finally sits down and picks up his cards.)
 Ross: I'm in. (throws in chips)
 Rachel: How many you want?
 Ross: One. (Rachel gives him the card.)
 Rachel: Dealer takes two. (she deals herself two cards) What do you bet?
 Ross: I bet two dollars. (throws it in)
 Rachel: OK... see your two... and I raise you twenty. (throws it in)
 Ross: I see your twenty, raise you twenty-five. (throws it in)
 (The other four look amazed at the large pot.)
 Rachel: See your twenty-five...and...uh, Monica, get my purse.
 (Monica gets up, looks in Rachel's purse.)
 Monica: Rachel, there's nothing in it.
 Rachel: OK, then get me your purse.
 (Monica gets Rachel her purse.)
 Monica: OK, here you go. Good luck.
 Rachel: (to Monica): Thank you. (to Ross): I saw your twenty-five, and I raise
 you... seven.
 Phoebe: ...teen! (throws in a ten-dollar bill)
 (Ross looks in his wallet, pulls out two dollars.)
 Ross: (to Joey): Joey, I'm a little shy.
 Joey: That's OK, Ross, you can ask me. What?
 (Ross looks at Joey, dumbfounded at his stupidity.)
 Chandler: (to Ross): What do you need, what do you need?
 Ross: Fifteen.
 Chandler: Alright, here's ten. (gives it to him)
 Joey: Here, I got five, I got five. (Ross takes the money)
 Ross: Thank you.
 Chandler: Good luck.
 Ross: (to Rachel): OK, I am calling your seventeen. What do you got?
 (Long pause as they both look at each other.)
 Rachel: (lays down cards) Full house.
 (Ross stares at her. Thinks about it. Puts cards on table, face down.)
 Ross: You got me.
 (Monica and Phoebe get up and start celebrating in the kitchen, pouring wine and
 singing. Rachel, shocked, goes to join them.)
 Joey: (to Ross): Ahhh, that's alright. Y'know, that's a tough hand to beat.


 The One Where the Monkey Gets Away
 The One Where the Monkey Gets Away
 Written by: Jeffrey Astrof & Mike Sikowitz
 Transcribed by: guineapig
 (Transcriber's Note: The credits list two characters, Tia and Samantha,
 who I assume are the sweaty women Joey and Chandler meet. However, I don't know which is
 which, so I've simply called them Woman #1 and Woman #2.)
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is talking to a customer.]
 Rachel: Okay, okay, I checked. We have: Earl Grey, English Breakfast, Cinnamon
 Stick, Camomile, Mint Medley, Blackberry, and.. oh, wait, there's one more, um.. Lemon
 Soother. You're not the guy that asked for the tea, are you? (Guy shakes his head) Okay.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, Monica enters with some mail.]
 Monica: Mail call, Rachel Green, bunk seven.
 Rachel: Thank you. (Examines it) Oh, cool! Free sample of coffee!
 Monica: Oh good! 'Cause where else would we get any?
 Rachel: Oh. Right. ...Oh great.
 Monica: What is it?
 Rachel: Country club newsletter. My mother sends me the engagement notices for
 'inspiration.' Oh my God! Oh my God, it's Barry and Mindy!
 Monica: Barry who you almost...?
 Rachel: Barry who I almost.
 Monica: And Mindy, your maid of...?
 Rachel: Mindy, my maid of. Oh!
 Monica: (Takes it) That's Mindy? Wow, she is pretty. (Sees Rachel's look) Lucky.
 To have had a friend like you.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Ross are eating Chinese.]
 Ross: Marcel. Bring me the rice, c'mon. Bring me the rice, c'mon. Good boy. Good
 boy. C'mere, gimme the rice. (Marcel brings the rice) Thank you, good boy. Well, I see
 he's finally mastered the difference between 'bring me the' and 'pee in the'. (Rachel
 ignores him) 'Bring me the' and- Rach?
 Rachel: What?
 Ross: Hi.
 Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, this is so stupid! I mean, I gave Barry up, right? I
 should be happy for them! I am, I'm happy for them.
 Ross: Really.
 Rachel: No. Oh, oh, I guess it would be different if I were- with somebody.
 Ross: Whoah, uh, what happened to, uh, 'Forget relationships! I'm done with
 men!' The whole, uh, penis embargo?
 Rachel: Oh, I don't know. I guess it's not about no guys, it's about the right
 guy, y'know? I mean, with Barry, it was safe and it was easy, but there was no heat. With
 Paolo, that's all there was, was heat! And it was just this raw, animal, sexual...
 Ross: Wait-wait. I, I got it. I was there.
 Rachel: Well, I mean, do you think you can ever have both? Y'know? Someone who's
 like, who's like your best friend, but then also can make your toes curl?
 Ross: Yes. Yes. Yes! Yes, I really do! In fact, it's funny, very often, someone
 who you wouldn't think could-could curl your toes, might just be the one who...
 (Enter the other four)
 Monica: Hi.
 Ross: ...Gets interrupted. Hi!
 Rachel: Hi, how was the movie?
 Monica: Wonderful!
 Phoebe: So good!
 Joey: Suck-fest.
 Chandler: Toootal chick-flick.
 Phoebe: I-I'm sorry it wasn't one of those movies with, like, y'know, guns and
 bombs and, like, buses going really fast...
 Joey: Hey, I don't need violence to enjoy a movie. Just so long as there's a
 little nudity.
 Monica: There was nudity!
 Joey: I meant female nudity. Alright? I don't need to see Lou
 Grant frolicking.
 Monica and Phoebe: Hugh! Hugh Grant!
 Ross: Alright, I've gotta go. C'mon, Marcel! C'mon! We're gonna go take a bath.
 Yes we are, aren't we? Yes, we are.
 Chandler: They're still just friends, right?
 Rachel: (To Marcel) And I will see you tomorrow!
 Ross: That's right, you're gonna spend tomorrow at Aunt Rachel's, aren't you.
 Monica: Oh, hang on, hang on. Does Aunt Monica get a say in this?
 Ross: 'Pwease, Aunt Monica, pwease?' Oh, unclench. You're not even gonna be
 there.
 [Scene: Joe-G's Pizza, the guys are there.]
 Chandler: I can't believe we are even having this discussion.
 Joey: I agree. I'm, like, in disbelief.
 Chandler: I mean, don't you think if things were gonna happen with Rachel, they
 would've happened already?
 Ross: I'm telling you, she said she's looking for a relationship with someone
 exactly like me.
 Joey: She really said that?
 Ross: Well, I added the 'exactly like me' part... But she said she's looking for
 someone, and someone is gonna be there tonight.
 Joey: 'Tonight' tonight?
 Ross: Well, I think it's perfect. Y'know, it's just gonna be the two of us, she
 spent all day taking care of my monkey...
 Chandler: I can't remember the last time I got a girl to take care of my monkey.
 Ross: Anyway, I figured after work I'd go pick up a bottle of wine, go over
 there and, uh, try to woo her.
 Chandler: Hey, y'know what you should do? You should take her back to the
 1890's, when that phrase was last used.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is taking care of Marcel and they are watching a
 soap opera.]


Rachel: Now, now the one in the feather boa, that's Dr. Francis. Now, she used
 to be a man. Okay, now look, see, there's Raven. We hate her. We're glad she's dying.
 Okay- (Marcel pushes down a cushion to reveal a shoe) Wh- wh- Marcel, are you playing with
 Monica's shoes? You know you're not supposed to pl- whoah. Marcel, did you poo in the
 shoe? (Takes the shoe into the kitchen) Marcel, bad monkey! Oh! Oh! (She notices the
 newsletter and taps the contents of the shoes onto it, then folds it shut) Sorry, Barry.
 Little engagement gift. I'm sure you didn't register for that. (She leaves the apartment
 holding the newsletter at arm's length. However, she leaves the door open. Marcel runs out
 in the opposite direction. There is a shot from the TV and Rachel runs back in) Who died?
 Who died? Roll him over! Oh, c'mon, roll him over! Oh...! Well, we know it wasn't Dexter,
 right Marcel? Because- (Looks down and notices he is missing) Marcel? Marc- (Notices the
 open door)
 [Time lapse. Now everyone but Ross and Phoebe is back at Monica and Rachel's.]
 Joey: How could you lose him?
 Rachel: I don't know. We were watching TV, and then he pooped in Monica's shoe-
 Monica: Wait. He pooped in my shoe? Which one?
 Rachel: I don't know. The left one.
 Monica: Which ones?
 Rachel: Oh. Oh, those little clunky Amish things you think go with everything.
 Phoebe: (Entering) Hey.
 All: Hi.
 Phoebe: Whoah, ooh, why is the air in here so negative?
 Chandler: Rachel lost Marcel.
 Phoebe: Oh no, how?
 Monica: He- he pooped in my shoe.
 Phoebe: Which one?
 Monica: Those cute little black ones I wear all the time.
 Phoebe: No, which one? The right or left? 'Cause the left one
 is lucky...
 Rachel: C'mon, you guys, what're we gonna do, what're we gonna do?
 Joey: Alright alright. You're a monkey. You're loose in the city. Where do you
 go?
 Chandler: Okay, it's his first time out, so he's probably gonna wanna do some of
 the touristy things. I'll go to Cats, you go to the Russian Tea Room.
 Rachel: Oh, my, God, c'mon, you guys! He's gonna be home any minute! He's gonna
 kill me!
 Monica: Okay, we'll start with the building. You guys take the first and second
 floor, Phoebe and I'll take third and fourth.
 Rachel: Well, what'm I gonna do? What'm I gonna do?
 Monica: Okay, you stay here, and just wait by the phone. Spray Lysol in
 my shoe, and wait for Ross to kill you.
 (They all leave)
 Rachel: Anybody wanna trade? Oh...
 [Cut to a hallway in the building, Monica and Phoebe are knocking on a door. Mr.
 Heckles emerges.]
 Mr. Heckles: Whaddyou want?
 Monica: Mr. Heckles, our friend lost a monkey. Have you seen it?
 Mr. Heckles: I left a Belgian waffle out here, did you take it?
 Monica: No!
 Phoebe: Why would you leave your Belgian waffle in the hall?
 Mr. Heckles: I wasn't ready for it.
 Monica: A monkey. Have you seen a monkey?
 Mr. Heckles: Saw Regis Philbin once...
 Phoebe: Okay, thank you, Mr. Heckles. (They move off)
 Mr. Heckles: You owe me a waffle.
 [Cut to Monica and Rachel's.]
 Rachel: (On the phone) Okay, he's a, he's a black capuchian monkey with a white
 face... (Enter Ross) ...with, with Russian dressing and, and pickles on the side. Okay.
 Thanks.
 Ross: Hey. How did, uh, how'd it go today?
 Rachel: Great! It went great. Really great. Hey, is that wine?
 Ross: Yeah. You, uh, you want some?
 Rachel: Oh, I would love some. But y'know what? Y'know what? Let's not drink it
 here. I'm feeling kinda crazy. You wanna go to Newark?
 Ross: Uh, okay, yeah, we could do that, but before we head off to the murder
 capital of the North-East, I was, uh, kinda wanting to run something by you. Y'know how we
 were, uh, y'know, talking before about, uh, relationships and stuff? (Uncorks the wine)
 Well-
 Rachel: Oh God, Ross, I cannot do this.
 Ross: Okay, quick and painful. (Starts to cork the wine)
 Rachel: Oh God... Okay. Alright. Alright. Okay. Ross, please don't hate me.
 Ross: Oh, what? What-what?
 Rachel: Y'know Marcel?
 Ross: ...Yeah?
 Rachel: Well, I kind of... I kind of lost him.
 [Cut to outside the window, with Ross reacting with disbelief. The shot pans back until
 we see Marcel sitting on the window ledge.]
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]
 Ross: (Angry) I- I- I ca- I can't believe this. I mean, all I asked you to do
 was keep him in the apartment.
 Rachel: I know, I know, I'm sorry-
 Ross: No, y'know what, I guess it's partially my fault. Y'know, I shouldn't've,
 uh, asked you to start off with a monkey. I should've started you off with like a pen or a
 pencil.


Rachel: (Tearfully) Ross, I'm doing everything that I can, I've got everybody
 looking for him, and I- (Door buzzer goes and she runs to get it) Oh! Who is it?
 Intercom: Animal Control.
 Rachel: See? I've even called Animal Control!
 Ross: You called Animal Control?
 Rachel: Uh-huh... why... do you not like them?
 Ross: Marcel is an illegal exotic animal. I'm not allowed to
 have him in the city. If they find him, they'll take him away from me.
 Rachel: O-okay, now see, you never ever ever told us that...
 Ross: That's right, I.. 'cause I didn't expect you were gonna invite them to the
 apartment!
 (A knock on the door. Rachel swiftly opens it)
 Rachel: Hi, thanks for coming.
 Luisa: (Animal Control) Somebody called about a monkey?
 Rachel: Oh, y'know what? That was a complete misunderstanding! (Ross puts his
 arms around her and they act all sweetness and light)
 Ross: Yeah, we thought we had a monkey, but we-we didn't.
 Rachel: Turned out it was a hat.
 Ross: Cat!
 Rachel: Cat! What'm I saying? Cat!
 (Luisa nods, but then Monica and Phoebe run in)
 Monica: Hi. We checked the third and fourth floor, no-one's seen Marcel.
 Luisa: Marcel?
 Ross: My uncle Marcel.
 Phoebe: Oh, is that who the monkey's named after?
 Luisa: Oookay. Are you aware that possession of an illegal exotic is, uh,
 punishable by up to two years in prison and confiscation of the animal?
 Phoebe: Oh my God. You'd put that poor little creature in jail?
 Monica: Pheebs, you remember how we talked about saying things quietly to
 yourself first?
 Phoebe: Yes, but there isn't always time!
 Monica: Look. I'm sure there's some friendly way to reconcile this! Um, have a
 seat. First of all, we haven't been introduced, I'm Monica Geller.
 Luisa: Oh my God, you are! And you're Rachel Green!
 Rachel: Yeah!
 Luisa: Luisa Gianetti! Lincoln High? I sat behind you guys in home room!
 Rachel: Luisa? Oh my God! Monica! It's Luisa!
 Monica: The Luisa from home room!
 Rachel: Yes!!
 Luisa: You have no idea who I am, do you.
 Monica: No, none at all.
 Rachel: None.
 Luisa: Well, maybe that's because you spent four years ignoring me. I mean,
 would it have been so hard to say 'Morning, Luisa'? Or 'Nice overalls'?
 Monica: Oh, I'm- I'm so sorry!
 Luisa: Ah, it's not so much you, you were fat, you had your own problems. (To
 Rachel) But you? What a bitch!
 Rachel: What?!
 Monica: Be that as it may, d'you think you could just help us out here on that
 monkey thing? Y'know, just for old times' sake? Go Bobcats?
 Luisa: I could... but I won't. If I find that monkey, he's mine. (Leaves)
 Phoebe: Dun-dun-duuuur! Sorry.
 [Cut to another part of the building. We see Marcel jump in through a window and run
 down some stairs, then Chandler and Joey come down from the upper floor without noticing.]
 Chandler: Marcel?
 Joey: Marcel?
 Chandler: Marcel?
 Joey: Marcel?
 (They come to a door and silently agree to try it. A very sweaty woman emerges)
 Woman No. 1: Hi, can I help you?
 (Chandler and Joey are dumbstruck for a moment)
 Chandler: Um, we're kind of having an emergency and we-we were looking for
 something...
 Joey: A monkey.
 Chandler: Yes have you seen any?
 Woman No. 1: No. No, haven't seen a monkey. Do you know anything about fixing
 radiators?
 Joey: Um, sure! Did you, uh, did you try turning the knob back the other way?
 Woman No. 1: Of course.
 Joey: Oh. Then, no.
 (Another sweaty woman comes to the door and speaks to her friend)
 Woman No. 2: Did I put too much rum in here?
 (Joey and Chandler shoot each other glances)
 Woman No. 1: Just a sec. (To Chandler and Joey) Hope you find your monkey. (She
 starts to shut the door)
 Chandler: Oh, nononowaitwaitwaitnono! Uh... we may not know anything about
 radiators per se, but we do have a certain amount of expertise in the heating and
 cooling... mileu.
 Joey: Uh, aren't we kind of in the middle of something here?
 Chandler: Yes, but these women are very hot, and they need our help! And they're
 very hot.
 Joey: We can't, alright? (To the women) We're sorry. You have no idea how sorry,
 but... We promised we'd find this monkey. If you see him, he's about yea high and answers
 to the name Marcel, so if we could get some pictures of you, you'd really be helping us
 out.
 (The women quickly shut the door)
 Chandler: Okay, from now on, you don't get to talk to other people.
 Joey: Marcel?
 Chandler: Marcel?!
 [Cut to Monica and Phoebe searching the basement.]
 Phoebe: Marcel?
 Monica: Marcel?
 Phoebe: Marcel?
 Both: Marcel?
 Phoebe: Oh-my-God!
 Monica: Whaaat!
 Phoebe: Something just brushed up against my right leg!
 Monica: What is it?


Phoebe: Oh, it's okay, it was just my left leg.
 (Marcel makes a monkeyish noise. He is sitting in the corner)
 Monica: Look, Phoebe!
 Phoebe: Yeah! Oh, c'mere, Marcel! Oh, Marcel, c'mere!
 (Luisa appears on the stairs)
 Luisa: Step aside, ladies! (She loads a gun)
 Monica: What're you gonna do?
 Luisa: Just a small tranquiliser.
 (In slow motion we see Phoebe look at Marcel, then at Luisa. She jumps toward Marcel
 just as Luisa fires the gun.)
 Monica: Run, Marcel, run! Run, Marcel! (Marcel runs off and Luisa runs after
 him. Monica goes to check up on Phoebe) Are you okay?
 Phoebe: Yeah, think so. Oh! (She notices the tranquiliser dart has hit her in
 the butt and removes it) Huh. (Sways back) Whoah.
 Monica: Oh gosh.
 [Cut to Marcel walking along a hallway. He notices a banana on the floor and picks it
 up. The hand of an unseen person grabs him and carries him away. Then cut to Ross and
 Rachel on the street outside.]
 Ross: Marcel?
 Rachel: Marcel?
 Ross: Marc- oh, this is ridiculous! We've been all over the neighbourhood. He's
 gone, he's-he's just gone.
 Rachel: Ross, you don't know that.
 Ross: Oh come on. It's cold, it's dark, he doesn't know the Village. (Kicks a
 sign in frustration) And now I have a broken foot. I have no monkey, and a broken foot!
 Thank you very much.
 Rachel: Ross, I said I'm sorry like a million times. What do you want me to do?
 You want me to break my foot too? Okay, I'm gonna break my foot, right here. (Kicks the
 sign) Ow!! Oh! Oh my God, oh my God! There, are you happy now?!
 Ross: Yeah, yeah. Y'know, now that you kicked the sign, hey! I don't miss Marcel
 any more!
 Rachel: Y'know, it is not like I did this on purpose.
 Ross: Oh, no no no. Nono, this is just vintage Rachel. I mean, things just sort
 of happen around you. I mean, you're off in Rachel-land, doing your Rachel-thing, totally
 oblivious to people's monkeys, or to people's feelings...
 Rachel: Ross.
 Ross: I don't even wanna hear it, you're just...
 Rachel: Ross.
 Ross: Oh, forget it, okay?
 Rachel: Ross!
 Ross: What? What?
 (A man carrying a box of bananas walks past them. They stare for a minute and then
 hobble after him)
 Both: Hey! Hey, Bananaman!
 (Scene 4: Everyone in the hall outside Mr. Heckles' door. Ross is carrying the box of
 bananas. He bangs on the door)
 Phoebe: Oh, this is so intense. One side of my butt is totally asleep, and the
 other side has no idea.
 (Mr. Heckles opens the door)
 Ross: Hi, did you order some bananas?
 Mr. Heckles: What about it?
 Ross: Gimme back my monkey.
 Mr. Heckles: I don't have a monkey.
 Rachel: Then what's with all the bananas?
 Mr. Heckles: Potassium.
 (There is a monkey-like noise from within and Ross pushes past Mr. Heckles and enters
 his apartment)
 Ross: Marcel? Marcel? Okay, where is he? Where is he? Marcel? Marcel?
 (Marcel jumps into view wearing a pink dress. Everybody gasps)
 Ross: Marcel! What've you done to him?
 Mr. Heckles: That's my monkey. That's Patti, Patti the monkey.
 Ross: Are you insane? C'mere, Marcel, c'mon. (Marcel starts to go to him)
 Mr. Heckles: C'mere, Patti. (Marcel turns round)
 Ross: C'mere, Marcel. (Turns to Ross)
 Mr. Heckles: C'mere, Patti. (Turns to Mr. Heckles)
 Luisa: (Out of shot) Here, monkey. Here, monkey! Here, monkey! (Marcel runs to
 the door and into Luisa's cage, which she slams shut) Gotcha.
 Ross: Okay, gimme my monkey back.
 Mr. Heckles: That's my monkey.
 Luisa: You're both gonna have to take this up with the judge.
 Mr. Heckles: That's not my monkey. Just the dress is mine, you can send that
 back whenever.
 Ross: Alright, I want my monkey.
 Luisa: No!
 Rachel: Oh, c'mon, Luisa!
 Luisa: Sorry, prom queen.
 Ross: (To Rachel) You had to be a bitch in high school, you couldn't've been
 fat.
 Rachel: Alright. In high school I was the prom queen and I was the homecoming
 queen and the class president and you... were also there! But if you take this monkey, I
 will lose one of the most important people in my life. You can hate me if you want, but
 please do not punish him. C'mon, Luisa, you have a chance to be the bigger person here!
 Take it!
 Luisa: Nope.
 Rachel: Alright. Well then how about I call your supervisor, and I tell her that
 you shot my friend in the ass with a dart?
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Rachel and Ross are there. Ross is trying to get the dress
 off Marcel.]
 Ross: It'll be nice to get this off finally, won't it? Yes it will. (Marcel
 resists) Or we can leave it on for now, that's fine.
 Rachel: Y'know, with the right pair of pumps, that would be a great little
 outfit.


 The One With the Evil Orthodontist
 The One With the Evil Orthodontist
 Written by: Doty Abrams
 Transcribed by: guineapig
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there.]
 Chandler: I can't believe you would actually say that. I would much
 rather be Mr.Peanut than Mr.Salty.
 Joey: No way! Mr.Salty is a sailor, all right, he's got to be, like, thetoughest
 snack there is.
 Ross: I don't know, you don't wanna mess with corn nuts. They're craaazy.
 Monica: (looking out of the window) Oh my God. You guys! You gotta come see
 this! There's some creep out there with a telescope!
 Ross: I can't believe it! He's looking right at us!
 Rachel: Oh, that is so sick.
 Chandler: I feel violated. And not in a good way.
 Phoebe: How can people do that?... (All but Phoebe walk away from the window in
 disgust.) Oh, you guys, look! Ugly Naked Guy got gravity boots!
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Rachel is there.]
 Chandler: I am telling you, years from now, schoolchildren will study it as one
 of the greatest first dates of all time. It was unbelievable! We could totally be
 ourselves, we didn't have to play any games...
 Monica: So have you called her yet?
 Chandler: Let her know I like her? What are you, insane? (The girls make
 disgusted noises.) It's the next day! How needy do I want to seem? (To the guys) I'm
 right, right?
 Joey and Ross: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Let her dangle.
 Monica: I can't believe my parents are actually pressuring me to find one of you
 people.
 Phoebe: Oh, God, just do it! (Grabbing the phone.) Call her! Stop being so
 testosteroney!
 Chandler: Which, by the way, is the real San Francisco treat. (Calls her, then
 hurriedly hangs up.) I got her machine.
 Joey: Her answer machine?
 Chandler: No, interestingly enough her leaf blower picked up.
 Phoebe: So, uh, why didn't you say anything?
 Chandler: Oh, no-no-no-no. Last time I left a spontaneous message I ended up
 using the phrase 'Yes indeedy-o.'
 Monica: Look look! It's Rachel and Barry. No, don't everybody look at once!
 Ross: Okay, okay, what's going on?
 Phoebe: Okay, they're just talking...
 Ross: Yeah, well, does he look upset? Does he look like he was just told to
 shove anything?
 Phoebe: No, no actually, he's smiling.. and... Oh my God, don't do that!!
 Ross: What? What? What?!
 Phoebe: That man across the street just kicked that pigeon! (Rachel enters.) Oh!
 Chandler: (bluffing) And basically, that's how a bill becomes a law.
 All: Oh!... Right!
 Chandler: Hey Rach!
 Monica: How'd it go?
 Rachel: Y'know, it was, uh.. it was actually really great. He took me to lunch
 at the Russian Tea Room, and I had that chicken, where y'know you poke it and all
 the butter squirts out...
 Phoebe: Not a good day for birds...
 Rachel: Then we took a walk down to Bendall's, and I told him not to,
 but he got me a little bottle of Chanel...
 Ross: That's nice... now, was that before or after you told him to stop calling,
 stop sending you flowers and to generally leave you alone, hmm?
 Rachel: Right,.. well,.. we never actually got to that... Oh, it was just so
 nice to see him again, y'know? It was comfortable, it was familiar... it was just nice!
 Ross: That's, that's nice twice!
 Monica: Rachel, what's going on? I mean isn't this the same Barry who you left
 at the altar?
 Joey: Duh, where've you been?
 Rachel: Yeah, but it was different with him today! And he wasn't, like,
 Orthodontist Guy, y'know? I mean, we had fun! Is there anything wrong with that?
 (Ross 'prompts' Chandler by hitting him on the arm.)
 Chandler: Yes!
 Rachel: Why?
 Chandler: I have my reasons.
 Monica: Okay, how about the fact that he's engaged to another woman, who just
 happens to be your ex-best friend?
 Rachel: All right. All right, all right, all right, all right, I know it's
 stupid! I will go see him this afternoon, and I will just put an end to it!
 [Scene: Barry's Office, the post-coital Barry and Rachel are recovering on the chair.]
 Rachel: Wow... Wow!
 Barry: Yeah.
 Rachel: I'm not crazy, right? I mean, it was never like that.
 Barry: Nooo, it wasn't.
 Rachel: Ooh, and it's so nice having this little sink here...
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there except Rachel.]
 Chandler: (on phone, reading from a script) Oh, Danielle! I wasn't expecting the
 machine... Give me a call when you get a chance. (Rattles some dishes) Bye-bye. (Hangs
 up.) Oh God!
 Monica: That's what you've been working on for the past two
 hours?!
 Chandler: Hey, I've been honing!
 Ross: What was with the dishes?
 Chandler: Oh, uh.. I want her to think I might be in a restaurant.. y'know? I
 might have some kind of life, like I haven't been sitting around here honing for the past
 few hours.


Monica: (looking out the window) Look look! He's doing it again, the guy with
 the telescope!
 Phoebe: Oh my God! (Walks to the window) Go away! (Gesturing.) Stop looking in
 here!
 Monica: Great, now he's waving back.
 Joey: Man, we gotta do something about that guy. This morning, I caught him
 looking into our apartment. It creeps me out! I feel like I can't do stuff!
 Monica: What kinda stuff?
 Joey: Will you grow up? I'm not talking about sexy stuff, but, like, when I'm
 cooking naked.
 Phoebe: You cook naked?
 Joey: Yeah, toast, oatmeal... nothing that spatters.
 (A pause as they look at Chandler.)
 Chandler: What are you looking at me for? I didn't know that.
 [Scene: Barry's Office, Rachel and Barry are getting dressed.]
 Barry: What's the matter?
 Rachel: Oh, it's just... Oh, Barry, this was not good.
 Barry: No, it was. It was very very good.
 Rachel: Well, what about Mindy?
 Barry: Oh, way, way better than Mindy.
 Rachel: No, not that, I mean, what about you and Mindy?
 Barry: Well, if you want, I'll just I'll just break it off with her.
 Rachel: No. No-no-no-no, no. I mean, don't do that. Not, I mean not for me.
 Bernice: (over intercom) Dr. Farber, Bobby Rush is here for his adjustment.
 Barry: (into intercom) Thanks, Bernice. (To Rachel) Let's go away this weekend.
 Rachel: Oh, Barry..! Come on, this is all way too..
 Barry: We can, we can go to Aruba! When I went there on what would have been our
 honeymoon, it was, uh... it was really nice. You would've liked it.
 (Pause as Rachel realises...)
 Rachel: I had a bra.
 (Barry finds it draped on a cupboard and gives it to Rachel, they kiss as Bobby
 enters.)
 Bobby: Hey, Dr. Farber.
 (Rachel and Barry quickly split and pretend Barry is examining Rachel's mouth.)
 Barry: All right Miss Green, everything looks fine... Yep, I think we're
 starting to see some real progress here.
 (Bobby looks on, deadpan.)
 Rachel: What?!
 Bobby: I'm twelve, I'm not stupid.
 (Rachel glares at him.)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler enters clutching his phone.]
 Chandler: Can I use your phone?
 Monica: Yeah.. uh, but for future reference, that thing in your hand can also be
 used as a phone.
 (Chandler dials his own phone and it rings.)
 Chandler: Yes, it's working! Why isn't she calling me back?
 Joey: Maybe she never got your message.
 Phoebe: Y'know, if you want, you can call her machine, and if she has a lot of
 beeps, that means she probably didn't get her messages yet.
 Chandler: Y'don't think that makes me seem a little...
 Ross: ...desperate, needy, pathetic?
 Chandler: Ah, you obviously saw my personal ad.
 (He calls and quickly hangs up.)
 Phoebe: How many beeps?
 Chandler: She answered.
 Monica: Y'see, this is where you'd use that 'hello' word we talked about.
 Chandler: I'm not gonna talk to her, she obviously got my message and is
 choosing not to call me. Now I'm needy and snubbed. God, I miss just being needy.
 (Rachel enters.)
 All: Hey! Hi!
 Phoebe: How'd he take it?
 Rachel: Pretty well, actually... (Wandering into the kitchen.)
 Monica: (wandering in after her) Uh, Rach... how come you have dental floss in
 your hair?
 Rachel: Oh, do I?
 Monica: Uh huh.
 Rachel: (in a low voice) We ended up having sex in his chair.
 Monica: You had sex in his chair?!... I said
 that a little too loudly, didn't I?
 Ross: You-you had what?
 Phoebe: Sex in his chair.
 Ross: What, uh... what were you thinking?
 Rachel: I don't know! I mean, we still care about each other. There's a history
 there. 'S'like you and Carol.
 Ross: No! No no, it is nothing like me and Carol!
 Rachel: Please. If she said to you, 'Ross, I want you on this couch, right
 here, right now,' what would you say?
 (Ross flounders.)
 Chandler: If it helps, I could slide over.
 Ross: It's, it's, it's, uh, a totally diferent situation! It's, it's apples and
 oranges, it's, it's orthodontists and lesbi- I gotta go.
 Phoebe: Where are you going?
 Ross: (leaving) I just have to go, all right? Do I need a reason? Huh? I mean I
 have things to do with my life, I have a jam packed schedule, and I am late- for keeping
 up with it. Okay?
 (Ross exits, a phone rings, and Chandler dives for his phone.)
 Chandler: Hello? Hello?
 (Rachel picks up their phone and the ringing stops. As she talks on the phone, an
 elaborate visual gag is spun out which is too difficult to describe in words.)
 Rachel: (on phone) Hello?(Listens) Mindy! Hi! Hey, how are you? (Listens) Yes,
 yes, I've heard, congratulations, that is so great. (Listens) Really? (Listens) Oh.
 (Listens) Okay. Okay, well I'm working tomorrow, but if you want you can, you can, you can
 come by and... (Listens) Okay... (Listens) Great... (Listens) Great... (Listens) All
 right, so I'll, so I'll see you tomorrow! (Listens) Okay.. (Listens) Okay... (Listens)
 Bye. (Hangs up and sits down heavily.) Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.


Chandler: So how's Mindy?
 Rachel: Oh, she wants to see me tomorrow...Oh, she sounded really weird, I gotta
 call Barry... (Does so, on phone) Hi, it's me, I just.. Mindy!! Mindy! Hi! No, I figured
 that's where you'd be!
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning. Chandler is sitting and staring at
 his phone. Monica enters and creeps up next to Chandler.]
 Monica: Brrrrrrr!
 (Chandler clutches at his phone before realising.)
 Chandler: Hell is filled with people like you.
 Joey: (entering) He's back! The peeper's back!
 (Rachel enters from her room.)
 Joey: (ducking) Get down!
 Rachel: Get down?
 Chandler: ...And boogie!
 Rachel: Thanks, but I gotta go to work and get my eyes scratched out by Mindy.
 Monica: Relax. Y'know, she may not even know.
 Rachel: Please. I haven't heard from her in seven months, and now she calls me?
 I mean, what else is it about? Oh! She was my best friend, you guys! We went to camp
 together... she taught me how to kiss..
 Joey: (intrigued) Yeah?
 Rachel: And now, y'know, I'm like... I'm like the other woman! I feel so..
 Joey: ..Naughty!
 Rachel: Right, I'll see you guys later...
 Joey: Oh, hold up, I'll walk out with you. Now, Rach, when she taught you to
 kiss, you were at camp, and.. were you wearing any kinda little uniform, or- (Rachel exits
 and slams the door in his face.) That's fine, yeah...
 (Joey exits.)
 Chandler: Okay, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Will you watch my phone?
 Monica: Why don't you just take it with you?
 Chandler: Hey, we haven't been on a second date, she needs to hear me pee?
 Monica: Why don't you just call her?
 Chandler: I can't call her, I left a message! I have some pride.
 Monica: Do you?
 Chandler: No! (Calls) Danielle, hi! It's, uh, it's Chandler! (Listens) I'm fine.
 Uh, listen, I don't know if you tried to call me, because, uh, idiot that I am, I
 accidentally shut off my phone. (Listens) Oh, uh, okay, that's fine, that's great.
 (Listens) Okay. (Puts down the phone.) (to Monica) She's on the other line, she's gonna
 call me back. (He starts doing a little jig.) She's on the other line, she's gonna call me
 back, she's on the other line, gonna call me back...
 Monica: Don't you have to pee?
 Chandler: 'S'why I'm dancing...
 [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving coffee as Mindy enters.]
 Rachel: Mindy.
 Mindy: Hey, you.
 Rachel: Hey, you.... So, what's up?
 Mindy: Um.. we should really be sitting for this.
 Rachel: Sure we should... So.
 Mindy: Now, I know things've been weird lately, but you're like my oldest friend
 in the world... Except for maybe Laurie Schaffer, who I don't talk to anywhere, 'cause
 she's all bitter now that she lost the weight and it turns out she doesn't have a pretty
 face. ....Okay, I'm just gonna ask you this once, and I want a straight answer.
 Rachel: Okay.
 Mindy: Will you be my maid of honour?
 Rachel: Of course!
 Mindy: Oh that's so great!
 Rachel: Was that all you wanted to ask me?
 Mindy: That's all!
 Rachel: Ohhhh!! (Mindy starts to sob.) ...What? What?
 Mindy: That's not all.
 Rachel: Oh sure it is!
 Mindy: Oh no, it isn't! No! I think Barry is seeing someone in the city.
 Rachel: Um, what- what would make you think that?
 Mindy: Well, ever since we announced the engagement, he's been acting really
 weird, and then last night, he came home smelling like Chanel.
 Rachel: (draws back) Really. Mindy, if it'll make you feel any better, when I
 was engaged to him he went through a whole weird thing too.
 Mindy: Oh God! You see, that's what I was afraid of!
 Rachel: What? What's what you were afraid of?
 Mindy: Okay, okay... when Barry was engaged to you, he and I...kind of... had a
 little thing on the side.
 Rachel: What?
 Mindy: I know. I know, and when he proposed to me, everyone said 'Don't do
 it, he's just gonna do to you what he did to Rachel,' and now I feel so stupid.
 Rachel: Uh... Oh, Mindy, you are so stupid. Oh, we are both so stupid.
 Mindy: What do you mean?
 Rachel: (offers her arm to Mindy and she sniffs) Smell familiar?
 Mindy: Oh no.
 Rachel: Oh, I am so sorry.
 Mindy: No me, I am so sorry...
 (They hug and Joey enters.)
 Joey: (watches them for a while) Oh my.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Ross are doing a crossword, Monica is cooking,
 and Chandler is still staring at his phone.]
 Ross: Four letters: 'Circle or hoop'.
 Chandler: Ring dammit, ring!
 Ross: Thanks.
 Joey: (entering) Hey, you know our phone's not working?
 Chandler: What?!
 Joey: I tried to call you from the coffee shop, and there was no answer.
 Chandler: (investigating) I turned it off. Mother of God, I turned it off!


Monica: Just like you told her you did! (Chandler glares at her.) ... Just
 pointing out the irony.
 Joey: Hey, so listen, I went across the street and talked to the doorman- I got
 the peeper's name! Can I use the phone?
 Chandler: Nngghhh!!!!!!!
 Joey: (to Monica) Can I use your phone? (On phone) Yeah, the number for a Sidney
 Marks, please.
 Ross: 'Heating device.'
 Phoebe: Radiator.
 Ross: Five letters.
 Phoebe: Rdtor.
 Joey: (on phone) Yeah, is Sidney there? (Listens) Oh, this is? (To the gang)
 Sidney's a woman.
 Monica: So she's a woman! So what?
 Joey: Yeah. Yeah, so what? (On phone) Look, I live across the street, (walking
 to the window) and I know all about you and your little telescope, and I don't appreciate
 it, okay? (Listens) Yeah, I can see you right now! (Listens) Hello! (Listens) If I wanna
 walk around my apartment in my underwear, I shouldn't have to feel
 like (Listens) Thank you, but... that's not really the point... (Listens) The
 point is that... (Listens) Mostly free weights, but occasionally..
 Monica: Joey!!
 Joey: (on phone) Yeah, my neighbor... (Listens) Yeah, the brunette... (to
 Monica) She says you looked very pretty the other day in the green dress.
 Monica: The green dress? Really?
 Joey: Yeah, she said you looked like Ingrid Bergman that day.
 Monica: (waves dismissively to Sidney) Nooo!
 [Scene: Barry's Office, Barry is preparing his tools alone as Rachel enters.]
 Rachel: Hey. Got a second?
 Barry: Sure, sure. Come on... (Mindy enters) ...in...
 Mindy: Hello, sweetheart.
 Barry: Uh... uh... what're'you... what're'you guys doing here?
 Rachel: Uh, we are here to break up with you.
 Barry: Both of you?
 Mindy: Basically, we think you're a horrible human being, and bad things should
 happen to you.
 Barry: I'm sorry... I'm sorry, God, I am so sorry, I'm an idiot, I was weak, I
 couldn't help myself! Whatever I did, I only did because I love you so much!
 Rachel: Uh- which one of us are you talking to there, Barr?
 Barry: ....Mindy. Mindy, of course Mindy, it was always Mindy.
 Rachel: Even when we were having sex in that chair?
 Barry: (to Mindy) I swear, whatever I was doing, I was always thinking of you.
 Rachel: Please! During that second time you couldn't have picked her out of a
 lineup!
 Mindy: (to Rachel) You did it twice?
 Rachel: Well, the first time didn't really count... I mean, y'know, 's'Barry.
 Mindy: Okay...
 Barry: (to Mindy) Sweetheart, just gimme- gimme another chance, okay, we'll
 start all over again. We'll go back to Aruba.
 Bernice: (over intercom) Dr. Farber, we've got a bit of an emergency
 here...Jason Costalano is choking on his retainer.
 Barry: Oh God... (Into intercom) I'll be right there, Bernice. (to Mindy) Look,
 please, please don't go anywhere, okay? I'll be, I'll be right back.
 (Barry exits)
 Rachel: Okay. Okay, we'll be here! Hating you! Did you see how he was sweating
 when he walked out of there? Listen honey, if I'm hogging the ball too much you just jump
 right in there and take a couple punches because I'm telling you, this feels great.
 Mindy: Yeah... I'm pretty sure I'm still gonna marry him.
 Rachel: What are you talking about?! Mindy, the guy is the devil! He's Satan in
 a smock!
 Mindy: Look, I know he's not perfect, but the truth is, at the end of the day, I
 still really wanna be Mrs. Dr. Barry Farber, D.D.S.
 Rachel: Oh God.
 Mindy: I hope you can find some way to be happy for me. And I hope you'll still
 be my maid of honor...?
 Rachel: And I hope Barry doesn't kill you and eat you in Aruba.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are there.]
 Monica: You okay?
 Rachel: Yeah.
 Monica: Really?
 Rachel: Yeah! Y'know, ever since I ran out on Barry at the wedding, I have
 wondered whether I made the right choice. And now I know.
 Monica: Aww... (They hug)
 (Joey enters and looks on approvingly.)
 Joey: Big day.
 Closing Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]
 Joey: All right, I'll give you this, Mr. Peanut is a better dresser. I mean he's
 got the monocle, he's got the top hat...
 Phoebe: You know he's gay?
 Ross: I just wanna clarify this: are you outing Mr. Peanut?
 Danielle: (entering) Chandler?
 Chandler: Danielle! Hi! Uh- everybody, this is Danielle, Danielle, everybody.
 All: Hi. Hi.
 Chandler: What are you doing here?
 Danielle: Well, I've been calling you, but it turns out I had your
 number wrong. And when I finally got the right one from Information, there was no answer.
 So I thought I'd just come down here, and make sure you were okay.
 Chandler: ...I'm, I'm okay.
 Danielle: Listen uh, maybe we could get together later?
 Chandler: That sounds good. I'll call you- or you call me, whatever...
 Danielle: You got it.


 The One With The Fake Monica
 The One With The Fake Monica
 Written by: Adam Chase and Ira Ungerleider
 Transcribed by guineapig
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is looking at papers.]
 Joey: How could someone get a hold of your credit card number?
 Monica: I have no idea. But look how much they spent!
 Rachel: Monica, would you calm down? The credit card people said that you only
 have to pay for the stuff that you bought.
 Monica: I know. It's just such reckless spending.
 Ross: I think when someone steals your credit card, they've kind of already
 thrown caution to the wind.
 Chandler: Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.
 Monica: That's me.
 Phoebe: Oh! The yuk! Ross, he's doing it again! (Points to a lamp which is
 shaking behind the sofa)
 Ross: Marcel, stop humping the lamp! Stop humping! Now Marcel, come back-
 (Marcel runs toward Rachel's room) come here, Marcel-
 Rachel: Oh no, not in my room! I'll get him.
 Monica: Ross, you've got to do something about the humping.
 Ross: What? It's, it's just a phase.
 Chandler: Well, that's what we said about Joey...
 Ross: Would you all relax? It's not that big a deal.
 Rachel: (Out of shot) Stop it! Marcel! Bad monkey!
 Ross: What?
 Rachel: Let's just say my Curious George doll is no longer curious.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, late at night Monica is still examining her bill as Rachel
 emerges from her room.]
 Rachel: Oh, Monica. You are not still going over that thing.
 Monica: This woman's living my life.
 Rachel: What?
 Monica: She's living my life, and she's doing it better than me! Look at this,
 look. She buys tickets for plays that I wanna see. She, she buys clothes from stores that
 I'm intimidated by the sales people. She spent three hundred dollars on art supplies.
 Rachel: You're not an artist.
 Monica: Yeah, well I might be if I had the supplies! I mean, I could do all this
 stuff. Only I don't.
 Rachel: Oh, Monica, c'mon, you do cool things.
 Monica: Oh really? Okay, let's compare, shall we.
 Rachel: (Yawning) Oh, it's so late for 'Shall we'...
 Monica: Do I go horseback riding in the park? Do I take classes at the New
 School?
 Rachel: (Yawning) Nooo...
 Monica: This is so unfair! She's got everything I want, and she doesn't have my
 mother.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Chandler are discussing stage names.]
 Chandler: How about Joey... Pepponi?
 Joey: No, still too ethnic. My agent thinks I should have a name that's more
 neutral.
 Chandler: Joey... Switzerland?
 (The waitress brings their coffee.)
 Joey: Plus, y'know, I think it should be Joe. Y'know, Joey makes me sound like
 I'm, I dunno, this big. (Waitress looks at him funny) Which I'm not.
 Chandler: Joe...Joe...Joe...Stalin?
 Joey: Stalin...Stalin...do I know that name? It sounds familiar.
 Chandler: Well, it does not ring a bell with me...
 Joey: (Writes it down) Joe Stalin. Y'know, that's pretty good.
 Chandler: Might wanna try Joseph.
 (Joey visibly thinks 'Of course!' and writes it down.)
 Joey: Joseph Stalin. I think you'd remember that!
 Chandler: Oh yes! Bye Bye Birdie, starring Joseph Stalin. Joseph Stalin is the
 Fiddler on the Roof.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is there as Phoebe and Rachel enter.]
 Rachel: Hey.
 Phoebe: Hey.
 Monica: Hi. (On the phone) Hi, uh, yes, this is Monica Geller. Um, I believe I'm
 taking some classes with you and I was wondering what they were.
 Phoebe: What are you doing?
 Monica: (Hushes her) Alright, great. Thanks a lot. (Hangs up) I'm going to tap
 class.
 Rachel: What, what, so that you can dance with the woman that stole your credit
 card?
 Monica: This woman's got my life, I should get to see who she is.
 Rachel: Go to the post office! I'm sure her picture's up! ...Okay, Monica,
 y'know what, honey, you're kinda losing it here! I mean, this is really becoming like a
 weird obsession thing.
 Phoebe: This is madness. It's madness, I tell you, for the love of God,
 Monica, don't do it!! ...Thank you.
 [Scene: A Tap Class, the girls are standing at the door.]
 Monica: What d'you think?
 Phoebe: Lotsa things.
 (They go in and sit down.)
 Rachel: Which one do you think she is?
 (The teacher comes up to them.)
 Teacher: May I help you?
 Monica: Oh, no thanks, we're just here to observe.
 Teacher: You don't observe a dance class. You dance a dance class. Spare shoes are over there.
 Rachel: What does she mean?
 Phoebe: I think she means (Imitates) 'You dance a dance class'. Oh, c'mon, c'mon. (They put on some spare
 shoes)
 Monica: Okay, d'y'see anybody you think could be me?
 Teacher: (To the class) People! Last time there were some empty yoghurt
 containers lying around after class. Let's not have that happen again!


Rachel: She could be you.
 (Music starts)
 Teacher: Let's get started. Five, six, a-five six seven eight...
 (Everyone starts to dance in unison. Monica flounders)
 Monica: Okay, I'm not getting this!
 Phoebe: (Dancing in a swirly, Phoebe kind of way) I'm totally getting it!
 Monica: Did you ever feel like sometimes you are just so unbelievably
 uncoordinated?
 (Rachel taps into view; she is in perfect sync with the rest of the class)
 Rachel: What? You just click when they click.
 Teacher: Alright people, now everyone grab a partner.
 (The girls are unsure how to pair off. Phoebe settles it)
 Phoebe: Okay. And, my, dead, mother, says, you, are, it. I'm with Rachel.
 Monica: Great. It's gym class all over again.
 Phoebe and Rachel: Aww.
 Teacher: Well that's all right, you can come up to the front and dance with me.
 Monica: Why don't I just take off my clothes and have a nightmare.
 (She starts to walk very slowly toward the front of the room. The teacher grabs her
 hand and pulls her. Suddenly a woman bursts in)
 Woman: It's okay, it's okay, I'm here, I'm here. Sorry I'm late, okay, here I
 am. Who's the new tense girl?
 Teacher: She's your partner.
 Woman: Hi. I'm Monica.
 Monica: Oh. Monica! ...Hi. I'm Mo- ...nana.
 Woman: (Fake Monica) Monana?
 Monica: Yeah. It's Dutch.
 Fake Monica: You're kidding! I-I spent three years in Amsterdam. (Asks her
 something in Dutch)
 Monica: Um, Pennsylvania Dutch.
 Teacher: And we're dancing. A-five, six, seven, eight...
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is entering.]
 Ross: (Mortified) Hi.
 Chandler and Joey: Hey.
 Joey: Where've you been?
 Ross: At the vet.
 Chandler: She's not gonna make you wear one of those big plastic cones, is she?
 Ross: She says Marcel's humping thing's not a phase. Apparently he's reached
 sexual maturity.
 Joey: (To Chandler) Hey! He beat ya.
 Ross: She says as time goes on, he's gonna start getting agressive and violent.
 Chandler: So what does this mean?
 Ross: I'm gonna have to give him up.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Central Perk, scene continued from earlier. They guys are sitting there
 like the Three Monkeys.]
 Joey: I can't believe it, Ross. This sucks!
 Chandler: I don't get it, I mean, you just got him. How can he be an adult
 already?
 Ross: I know. I know. I mean, one day, he's this little thing, and before you
 know it, he's this little thing I can't get off my leg.
 Joey: Isn't there any way you can keep him?
 Ross: No, no. The vet says unless he's in a place where he has regular access to
 some... monkey lovin,' he's just gonna get vicious. I've just gotta get him into a zoo.
 Joey: How do you get a monkey into a zoo?
 Chandler: I know that one! ...No, that's Popes into a Volkswagen.
 Ross: Well, we're applying to a lot of them. Naturally our first choice would be
 one of the bigger state zoos, y'know, like, uh, San Diego... right? But that might just be
 a pipe dream, because, y'know, he's out of state. Uh, my vet, uh, knows someone at Miami,
 so that's a possibility.
 Chandler: Yeah, but that's like two blocks away from the beach. I mean, it's a
 total party zoo.
 (Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel enters.)
 Phoebe: Hey. We found her, we found the girl.
 Chandler: What?
 Joey: Did you call the cops?
 Rachel: Nope. We took her to lunch.
 Chandler: Ah. Your own brand of vigilante justice.
 Ross: What?! Are you insane? This woman stole from you. She stole. She's a
 stealer.
 Monica: Y'know what? After you're with this woman for like ten minutes, you
 forget all that. I mean, she is this astounding person, with this, with this amazing
 spirit.
 Ross: Yeah, which she probably stole from some cheerleader.
 Chandler: ...Take off their hats!
 Phoebe: Popes in a Volkswagen! ...I love that joke.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel and Fake Monica are there.]
 Rachel: No way. No way did you do this.
 Fake Monica: Monana was very brave.
 Monica: It was so wild. We told them we were the Gunnersens in room six fifteen.
 Only to find out the Boston Celtics had taken over the entire sixth floor!
 Fake Monica: So once they caught on to the fact that we're, y'know, short and
 have breasts...
 Monica: ...They threw us out! I was thrown out of a hotel! Me!
 Rachel: Go Monana! Well, you ladies are not the only ones living the dream. I
 get to go pour coffee for people I don't know. Don't wait up. (Exits)
 Fake Monica: Oh, by the way, tomorrow we're auditioning for a Broadway show.
 Monica: 'Scuse me?
 Fake Monica: There's an open call for Cats. I'm thinking we go down there, sing
 Memories and make complete fools of ourselves. Whaddya say?
 Monica: Nononononono. Think who you're dealing with here. I mean, I'm not like
 you. I-I can't even stand in front of a tap class.
 Fake


Monica: Well, that's just probably 'cause of your Amish background.
 Monica: What?
 Fake Monica: Well, you're Pennsylvania Dutch, right?
 Monica: Right. Till I bought a blow dryer, then I was shunned.
 Fake Monica: I-I used to be just like you. And then one day I saw a movie that
 changed my life. Did you ever see Dead Poets' Society?
 Monica: Uh-huh.
 Fake Monica: I thought that movie was so incredibly... boring.
 I mean, that thing at the end where the kid kills himself because he can't be in the play?
 What was that?! It's like, kid, wait a year, leave home, do some community theatre. I
 walked out of there and I thought, 'Now, that's two hours of my life that I'm never
 getting back.' And that thought scared me more than all the other crap I was afraid to do.
 Monica: Wow. Then I would definitely not recommend Mrs. Doubtfire.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, tiem lapse. Everyone but Joey and Monica are there.]
 Ross: (Reading letters) Oh God. (To Marcel) We didn't get into Scranton. (To the
 others) That was like our safety zoo. They take like dogs and cows. See? I don't know who
 this is harder on, me or him.
 Phoebe: I'd say that chair's taking the brunt.
 Ross: Marcel! Marcel! Marcel, no! Good boy. See, how can nobody want him?
 Rachel: Oh, somebody will.
 Joey: (entering) You know there already is a Joseph Stalin?
 Chandler: You're kidding.
 Joey: Apparently he was this Russian dictator who slaughtered all these people.
 You'd think you would've known that!
 Chandler: Y'know, you'd think I would've.
 Joey: Phoebe. Whaddyou think a good stage name for me would be?
 Phoebe: ...Flame Boy.
 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is talking to Dr. Baldhara, a zookeeper.]
 Ross: Where exactly is your zoo?
 Dr. Baldhara: Well, it's technically not a zoo per se, it's more of an
 interactive wildlife experience. Let me ask you some questions about, is it, uh, Marcel?
 Ross: Yes.
 Dr. Baldhara: Does he, uh, fight with other animals?
 Ross: No-no, he's, he's very docile.
 Dr. Baldhara: Even if he were... cornered?
 Ross: Well I, I don't know. Why?
 Dr. Baldhara: Uh, how is he at handling small objects?
 Ross: He can hold a banana, if that's whatcha mean...
 Dr. Baldhara: How about a hammer, or a small blade?
 Ross: Why- why- why would he need a blade?
 Dr. Baldhara: Well, if he's up against a jungle cat or an animal with horns,
 you've got to give the little guy something. Otherwise it's just cruel.
 (Chandler and Joey burst in, with Marcel)
 Chandler and Joey: He- he- he got in, he- he got in to San
 Diego.
 Joey: We, we come back from our walk and the- the phone was ringing...
 Chandler: ...He's in.
 Ross: He's in! Oh, did you hear that, Marcel? San Diego. San Diego!
 Dr. Baldhara: You're making a big mistake here. I mean, San Diego's all well and
 good, but if you give him to me, I'll start him off against a blind rabbit and give you
 twenty percent of the gains.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is dusting. She comes to the table, lifts all the
 magazines and wipes under them, then just puts them down again. Monica bursts in,
 obviously drunk.]
 Monica: Yo- hooo!
 Rachel: Where the hell've you been?
 Monica: Monica and I just crashed an embassy party.
 Rachel: Are you drunk?!
 Monica: Noooo! (Comes closer and whispers) I'm lying. I am so drunk.
 Rachel: Oh God, oh. Great, Monica, y'know what, you could've called, I have been
 up here, I've been worried...
 (Monica is drinking from the tap)
 Rachel: Monica? Monica!
 Monica: Water rules!
 Rachel: Yes, yes, it does. Okay, look, the restaurant called, they wanna know if
 you're gonna be showing up for work?
 Monica: Nope. Going to the Big Apple Circus today.
 Rachel: Okay Monica, what are you doing? You're gonna lose your job! This is not
 you!
 Monica: No, it is me! Y'know, I'm not just the person who needs to fluff the
 pillows and pay the bills as soon as they come in! Y'know, when I'm with her, I am so much
 more than that. I'm- I'm Monana!
 (The phone rings and Rachel answers)
 Rachel: Hello? Yes, she is, hold on a second, please. Monana, it's for you, the
 credit card people.
 Monica: Helloooo? Yeah. Oh my God. Thanks.
 Rachel: What?
 Monica: They've arrested Monica.
 [Scene: New York City Department of Correction, Monica is visiting Fake Monica.]
 Monica: Hi.
 Fake Monica: Hey.
 Monica: How are you?
 Fake Monica: I'm not too bad. Fortunately, blue's my colour. How-how did you
 know I was here?
 Monica: Because... I'm Monica Geller. It was my credit card you were using.
 Fake Monica: That I was not expecting.
 Monica: I want you to know, it wasn't me who turned you in.
 Fake Monica: Oh. Thanks.
 Monica: No, thank you! You have given me so much! I mean, if it wasn't for you,
 I would never have gotten to sing Memories on the stage at the Wintergarden
 Theater!
 Fake


 The One With The Ick Factor
 The One With the Ick Factor
 Written by: Alexa Junge
 Transcribed by: Mikael Hedberg
 (Scene: Central Perk. Everyone is there.)
 Monica: Tell him.
 Rachel: No.
 Phoebe: Tell him, tell him.
 Monica: Just...please tell him.
 Rachel: Shut up!
 Chandler: Tell me what?
 Monica: Look at you, you won't even look at him.
 Chandler: (sarcastically) Oh, come on tell me. I could use another reason why
 women won't look at me.
 Rachel: All right, all right, all right. Last night, I had a dream that, uh, you
 and I, were...
 Phoebe: Doing it on this table. (points at the table)
 Chandler: Wow!
 Joey: Exellent dream score.
 Ross: Why, why, why would you dream that?
 Chandler: More importantly, was I any good?
 Rachel: Well, you were pretty damn good.
 Chandler: Interesting, cause in my dreams, I'm allways surprisingly inadequate.
 (Monica pats him on his lap)
 Rachel: Well, last night you seemed to know your way around the table.
 Ross: I love it, when we share.
 (Ross goes over to the counter. Chandler follows him.)
 Chandler: You're okay there?
 Ross: I can't belive you two had sex in her dream.
 Chandler: I'm sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and i was
 somebody else's subconscious.
 Opening Credits
 [Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier, Chandler is sitting on the table.]
 Chandler: Hello Rachel.
 Rachel: Get off.
 Phoebe: (points at Joey's pen) Uh, uh, gimme. Can you see me operating a drill
 press?
 Joey: I don't know. What are you wearing?
 (Chandler, Monica and Phoebe looks at him)
 Ross: Pheebs, why would you want to operate a drill press?
 Phoebe: Just for some short-term-work. You know, until I get back some of my
 massage clients.
 Chandler: Pirates again?
 Phoebe: No, nothing like that. I was just...such a dummie. I taught this
 'massage-yourself-at-home-workshop.' And they are.
 Joey: Hey, hey, Chan. She could work for you.
 Chandler: (sarcasticly) Thanks Joey, that's a good idea.
 Phoebe: What... I could, I could do it. What is it?
 Chandler: Well, my secretary is gonna be out for a couple of weeks. She is
 having one of her boobs redused. (Ross looks at her.) It's a whole big boob story.
 Phoebe: I could be a secretary.
 Chandler: Well, you know Phoebs. I don't know if it's your kinda thing, because
 it involves a lot of being normal. For a large portion of the day.
 Phoebe: I could do that.
 (Ross's beeper goes off)
 Rachel: What are you playing with?
 Ross: Oh, it's my new beeper.
 Joey: What the hell does a paleontologist need a beeper for?
 Monica: Is it like for dinosaur emergencies. 'Help, come quick, they're still
 extinct.'
 Ross: No, it's for when Carol goes into labor. She can get me wherever I am. I
 mean, all she has to do is to dial 55-JIMBO.
 Chandler: A cool phone number, and a possible name for the kid.
 Monica: All right, I'll see you guys later. (raises)
 Rachel: Off to see young Ethan?
 Monica: Thank you.
 Joey: How young is young Ethan? Young?
 Monica: He's... our age.
 Chandler: When we were?
 Monica: Okay, he's a senior in college.
 Ross: College?
 Chandler: Whoa! And this manchild has no problem with how old you are?
 Monica: No, of course not. It's not even an issue. Cause I told him I was 22.
 All: What?
 Monica: Oh, I can't pass for 22?
 Phoebe: Well, maybe 25-26.
 Monica: I am 26.
 Phoebe: There you go.
 [Scene: Chandler's office, he and Phoebe are there when the phone starts ringing.]
 Chandler: Can you hear that?
 Phoebe: (plays with a thumbtack remover) Yeah?
 Chandler: See that'll stop when you pick up the phone.
 Phoebe: Oh. Uh, I'm on. (picks up the phone)
 Phoebe: (with a deep voice) Mr. Bing's office. (Listens) No I'm sorry, he's in a
 meeting right now.
 Chandler: I'm not in a meeting. I'm right... Whoops.
 Phoebe: Will he know what this is in reference to? (Listens) And he has your
 number? (Listens) All right, I'll see that he gets the message. Bye bye.
 Chandler: What?
 Phoebe: Ross says hi.
 Chandler: Ah!
 Phoebe: This is so fun. All right, what do we do now?
 Chandler: Well, now, I actually have to get to work.
 Phoebe: Most likely. (raises and goes toward the door) Okay, I'm gonna be out
 there.
 Chandler: Okay.
 Phoebe: All right. Bye bye.
 Chandler: Bye bye.
 (The intercom buzzes)
 Chandler: (answering it) Yes?
 Phoebe: Whatcha doin'?
 Chandler: Ooh. (leans against the desk)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are there. Monica is just finishing
 cleaning the windows.]
 Monica: Windows are clean, candels are lit. Uh, belt's to tight, gotta change
 the belt. Did I turn the fish? (goes over to the kitchen to check on the dinner) No, cause
 I made lasagne. (to Rachel) Am I out of control?


Rachel: Just a touch. Mon, I don't understand. I mean, you've been dating this
 guy since like, what... his midterms? I mean, why all the sudden are you so... Oh.
 Monica: What?
 Rachel: Could tonight be the Night?
 Monica: I don't know. Look he's a great guy and I love being with him but... you
 know. Things happen, and they happen. You don't plan these things.
 Rachel: So, did you shave your legs?
 Monica: Yeah.
 Rachel: A-ha!
 [Scene: Central Perk. Joey and Ross are there.]
 Joey: Would you let it go Ross. It was just a dream. It doesn't mean...
 (Ross's beeper goes off)
 Ross: Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh this is it. Oh my god it's baby time. Baby time.
 Joey: All right, relax, relax. Just relax, just relax. Be cool, be cool.
 (Ross dials a number on his cellular phone)
 Ross: (on phone) Yeah, hi, I was just beeped. (pause) No, Andre is not here.
 (to Joey) Third time today. (on phone) Yes, I'm sure... No, sir. I don't perform those
 kind of services.
 Joey: Services? (Ross looks at him) Oh, services.
 Ross: (on phone) Yeah, you want 55-JUMBO. Yeah, that's right. That's right,
 JUMBO with a U, sir. (pause) No, belive me, you don't want me. Judging by his number, I'd
 be a huge disappointment. (pause) All rightie, bye bye.
 (Phoebe and Chandler enter)
 Joey: Hey, hey. How was the first day?
 Phoebe: Oh, exellent. Everyone was so, so nice.
 Chandler: See, it pays to know the man who wears my shoes. (Joey and Ross wonder
 what he means) Me.
 Phoebe: No, I didn't tell anybody that I knew you.
 Chandler: Why not?
 Phoebe: Oh, because, you know... they don't like you.
 Chandler: What?!
 Phoebe: I thought you knew that.
 Chandler: Noho. Who doesn't they like me?
 Phoebe: Everyone. Except for uh... no everyone.
 Chandler: What are you talking about?
 Phoebe: Don't feel bad. You know they used to like you a lot. But then you got
 promoted, and, you know, now you're like 'Mr. Boss Man'. You know, Mr. Bing. Mr.
 Bing, 'Boss Man Bing'.
 (Joey and Ross laughs)
 Chandler: I can't belive it.
 Phoebe: Yeah, yeah. They even do you.
 Chandler: They do me?
 Phoebe: You know like... uh okay... uh... 'Could that report be any
 later?'
 (Joey and Ross laughs)
 Chandler: I don't sound like that.
 Ross: Oh, oh Chandler...
 Joey: Oh... Yeah, you do.
 Ross: 'The hills were alive with the sound of music.'
 (Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs)
 Joey: (reaches for hi scones) My scones.
 Phoebe, Joey, and Ross: 'My scones.'
 (Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs again)
 Chandler: Okay, I don't sound like that. That is so not true.
 (Joey and Chandler laughs)
 Chandler: That is so not... That is so not...
 That... Oh, shut up!
 (Phoebe, Joey and Ross laugh)
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Young Ethan are sitting in the couch.]
 Monica: Did not.
 Young Ethan: I am telling you, up until I was, like nine, I thought that
 gunpoint was an actual place where crimes happen.
 Monica: How was that possible?
 Young Ethan: Well, think about it. It's always on the news. 'A man is being held
 up, at gunpoint.' 'Tourists are being terrorised, at gunpoint.' And I just kept thinking:
 why does people continue to go there? (He checks his watch.) Oh, ah. I should go.
 Monica: Okay.
 (They kiss)
 Young Ethan: Okay.
 Monica: Unless...
 Young Ethan: What?
 Monica: Uh, ah. Unless you wanna stay over? I mean, I'm going to, so...
 Young Ethan: Yeah, I'd really like that.
 (They kiss)
 Young Ethan: Uuh, before we get into any staying-over-stuff, there is something
 you should know.
 Monica: Okay, is this like 'I have an early class tomorrow' or 'I'm secretly
 married to a goat?'
 Young Ethan: Well it's somewhere in between. You see, in a strictly technical
 sense, of course, I'm not uh..., well I, I mean I haven't ever uh...
 Monica: Ethan?
 Young Ethan: Yeah?
 Monica: Are you a virgin?
 Young Ethan: Well, if that's what you kids are calling it these days then, yes I
 am. I uh, I've kinda been waiting for the right person.
 Monica: Really?
 Young Ethan: Yeah. You do know I was talking about you, right?
 (They kiss)
 [Time lapse. They are now in Monica's bedroom, on the bed.]
 Young Ethan: Wow!
 Monica: You keep saying that.
 Young Ethan: You know, you read about it, you see it in the movies. Even when
 you practice it at home, man oh man, it is nothing like that.
 (They kiss)
 Monica: Listen, uh, you told me something that was really difficult for you. And
 I, I-I figured if you could be honest, then I can to.
 Young Ethan: Oh god, don't tell me, I did it wrong.
 Monica: No-no. Nothing wrong about that.
 Young Ethan: Oh.


Monica: Um, okay, here it goes. I'm not 22. I'm, I'm 25... and thirteen months.
 Young Ethan: Huh!
 Monica: But I figured, you know, that shouldn't change anything. I mean, what
 the hell does it matter how old we are.
 (They kiss)
 Young Ethan: Uh, listen um, as long as we're telling stuff, uh, I have another
 one for you. I'm a little younger than I said.
 Monica: You're not a senior?
 Young Ethan: Oh, I'm a senior... in High School.
 Monica: Ok...ay.
 Commercial Break
 [Scene: Monica's Bedroom, continued from earlier.]
 Monica: What we did was wrong. Oh god, I just had sex with somebody that wasn't
 alive during the Bicentennial.
 Young Ethan: I just had sex.
 Monica: Ethan, focus. How could you not tell me?
 Young Ethan: Well, you never told me how old you were.
 Monica: Well, that's different. My lie didn't make one of us a felon in 48
 states. What were you thinking?
 Young Ethan: I wasn't thinking. I was too busy fallin'...
 Monica: Don't say it. (closes Ethan's mouth with her hand)
 Young Ethan: ...in love with you.
 Monica: Really?
 Young Ethan: (nods) Sorry.
 Monica: Well,fall out of it. You know, you shouldn't even be here, it's a school
 night. Oh god, oh god. I'm like those women that you see with shiny guys named Chad. I'm
 Joan Collins.
 Young Ethan: Who?
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone exept Monica is there.]
 Ross: (on phone) Okay, Andre should be there in like 45 minutes. All rightie,
 bye bye. (to Phoebe) Just easier that way.
 Chandler: Oh, come on. You told me about the last dream.
 Rachel: No, forget it.
 Chandler: Oh, why not. Was I doing anything particularly... saucy?
 Rachel: All right, fine. Um, you were not the only one there. (Camera fades to
 Ross, who's listening very carefully) Joey was there too.
 Joey: All right. (Moves closer.)
 Ross: Was there...uh, huh, huh, huh... andybody, anybody else there.
 Rachel: No.
 Ross: You're sure? Nobody uh, handed out uh, mints or anything?
 Rachel: No, it was just the three of us.
 Ross: Huh!
 Joey: So, tell me. Was it like you and Chandler, and then you and me, or you and
 me and Chandler?
 Rachel: (laughs) You know what?
 Joey: What?
 Rachel: There were times when it wasn't even me.
 (Chandler and Joey laughs, until they look at each other then recoil in horror.)
 Phoebe: That is so sweet, you guys. (hugs them)
 (Monica enters, wearing a walkman, so she doesn't hear what the others say)
 Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe: Hey, Mon.
 Rachel: Mon, Ethan called again. Mon?
 All: (shouting) Mon!
 (Monica takes of her walkman)
 Monica: What?
 Rachel: Ethan called again.
 Monica: Oh.
 Ross: Are you not seeing him anymore?
 Monica: No. You know, sometimes just things doesn't work out.
 Chandler: And this has nothing to do with the fact that he needs a note to get
 out of gym.
 (Monica stares at Rachel)
 Rachel: I, I didn't say any... I sw... I did not say anything, I swear. He
 stopped by.
 Joey: Listen, the next time you talk to him, can you ask him which one the
 strongest Power Ranger is?
 (Ross and Chandler laughs)
 Ross: Oh, yeah.
 Monica: Ha,ha, ha, oh my life is just so amusing. Could we drop it now?
 Joey, Chander, and Ross: Sorry.
 Ross: It's morphin time!
 Joey: Stegosaurus!
 Chandler: Tyrannosaurus!
 (They all cross they're arms like the Power Rangers do)
 Phoebe: Ooh, oh, I've gotta go. (raises) Whoa, oh, head rush. One more, and then
 I have to go. (sits down, and then raises again) Cool!
 Rachel: Where are you going?
 Phoebe: Um, oh, I've got a birthday party, with some work people.
 Chandler: Work people? Nobody told me.
 Phoebe: No, I know. That's a part of the whole, you know,
 them-not-liking-you-extravaganza.
 Chandler: You know, I don't get this. A month ago, these people were my friends.
 You know, just because I'm in charge doesn't mean I'm a different person.
 Phoebe: Well, then you should come tonight. You know, just hang out with them.
 Let them see what a great guy you still are.
 Chandler: You think I should?
 Phoebe: I really do, yeah.
 Chandler: Okay.
 Phoebe: Okay.
 Chandler: Okay.
 Phoebe: Oh, but, could we not go together? I,I don't wanna be the geek that
 invited the boss.
 [Scene: Chandler's office, he and Phoebe are taking a break from work.]
 Chandler: I Think last night was great. You know, the Karaoke thing. Tracy and I
 doing Ebony and Ivory.
 Phoebe: You were great. But they still made fun of you.
 Chandler: What?
 Phoebe: You know, now you're more like, you know like, 'Mr. Caring
 Boss,' 'Mr.', you know, 'I'm one of you, Boss,' 'Mr., I
 wanna be your buddy, Boss Man Bing!'
 Chandler: Then, I don't get it.


Phoebe: Well, you know what Chandler? I think you've gotta face it. You're like,
 the guy in the big office, you know. You're the one that hires them, that fires them...
 They still say you're a great boss.
 Chandler: They do?
 Phoebe: Uh huh. But they're not your friends anymore.
 Chandler: I just wan't to...
 Phoebe: No, but you can't.
 Chandler: But I just wa...
 Phoebe: Uh uh.
 [Scene: Central Perk. Everyone exept Phoebe and Chandler is there. Ross's beeper goes
 off and everyone exept him react.]
 Monica: Aren't you gonna...
 Ross: Oh, Carol and I have a new system. If she punches in 911, it means she's
 having a baby, otherwise I just ignore it.
 Joey: What about Andre?
 Ross: Oh, well this morning he got a call from who I think was our cousin
 Nathan, and frankly, it was a little more than I needed to know.
 (Ethan enters)
 Young Ethan: Hey.
 Monica: That was gonna be my opener.
 Rachel: (understands that Monica and Ethan wanna be alone) Hey, did you guys
 check out those new hand-dryers in the bathroom?
 Ross: I thought that was just a rumour.
 Rachel: True story.
 Joey: They're here already?
 (Rachel, Ross and Ross go to the bathroom)
 Young Ethan: All right, look. I've gotta tell you something. I'm not 17. I only
 said so that you'd think I was cute and vunerable. I'm actually 30, I have a wife, I have
 a job, I'm your Congressman. Monica, this is ridiculous, we're great together. We can
 talk, we make each other laugh, and the sex. Oh, man, okay i have no frame of graft, but I
 thought that was great.
 Monica: It was.
 Young Ethan: Then, what's the problem?
 Monica: Ethan, it's um... it's icky.
 Young Ethan: Icky? You're actually gonna throw this away because it's icky?
 Monica: This isn't easy for me either. I wish things were different, I... If you
 were a few years older, or if I was a few years younger, or if we lived in biblical times,
 I would really...
 Young Ethan: No, don't say it. (closes Monica's mouth with his hand)
 Monica: ...love you.
 (Ross, Rachel and Joey come back from the bathroom. They discover that Monica and Ethan
 aren't finished talking to each other yet.)
 Ross: Are you're hands still wet?
 Joey: Uh, moist, yeah.
 Rachel: Let's dry 'em again.
 (They go to the bathroom again)
 [Scene: A hall on the floor where Chandler works. Chandler and Phoebe enters, and
 overhears some employees's conversation. One of them is doing Chandler.]
 Gerston: Uh, like, could these margaritas be any stronger?
 (They discover that Chandler is listening) Hey, Chandler.
 Santos: Hello, Mr. Bing.
 Petrie: Loved your Stevie Wonder last night.
 Chandler: Thanks. Listen, about the weekly numbers, I'm gonna need them on my
 desk by nine o'clock.
 Santos: Sure.
 Gerston: No problem.
 (They go away, trying very hard not to laugh at Chandler)
 Chandler: You have to give 'em something, you know. Okay, now that was Gerston,
 Santos, and who's the guy with the moustache?
 Phoebe: Petrie.
 Chandler: Petrie, right, right. Okay, some people gonna be working this weekend.
 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is watching TV, but turns it off, and Rachel is
 sleeping on the couch. Ross puts a blanket over her.]
 Rachel: (talking in her sleep) Oooooooooh. (Rachel strokes her hand over the
 pillow. Ross mimicks her silently) Oh, that's nice. Oh, oh. Huh, Ross!
 (Ross gets all excited and starts to dance on the coffee table, but slips allmost
 immediatly, and falls onto the couch. Rachel wakes up.)
 Rachel: Ross?
 Ross: I'm here.
 Rachel: You are. Well, um... We, we, we were just... Wow!
 Ross: What? (his beeper goes off) Great, now I'm having a baby.
 Rachel: What?
 Ross: Ooh, Ooh.
 Rachel: What?
 Ross: I'm having... I'm having a baby. (jumps back onto the table again) I'm
 having a... Where's the phone? The phone?
 Rachel: I don't know where the phone is.
 (Ross runs from the table, over the couch but slips and falls onto the floor)
 Rachel: Ross?
 Ross: I'm hurt.
 Closing Credits
 [Scene: The Hallway, Ross is eagerly waiting for the others to get ready, to go to the
 hospital.]
 Ross: Monica, let's go. Come on now people, woman in labor.
 (Chandler struts out from his apartment)
 Chandler: (doing a little dance) Hey Ross, look what I've got going here.
 Ross: Yeah, save it for the cab, okay.
 (Rachel comes out from their apartment with a mirror and a lipstick in her hands)
 Ross: What are you doing? We're going to a hospital.
 Rachel: What, so I can't lokk nice? There might be doctors there.
 Ross: Joey, get out of the fridge.
 Joey: All right, all right. (he comes out from their apartment with a huge
 sandwich in his hand)
 Ross: What is that? (refering to the sandwich)