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The One Where Monica Gets a New Roomate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version) The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version) Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane Transcribed by: guineapig Additional transcribing by: Eric Aasen (Note: The previously unseen parts of this episode are shown...
Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding. Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue... [Scene: Monica's Apartment, everyone is there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV and are trying to figure out what is going on.] Monica: Now I'm guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ, and she's real...
Chandler: (deadpan) Yes, and we're very excited about it. Rachel: Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight. It's been kinda a long day. Ross: Okay, sure. Joey: Hey Pheebs, you wanna help? Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to. Commercial Break [Scene: The Subway,...
Monica: What?..... What, you wanna spell it out with noodles? Paul: No, it's, it's more of a fifth date kinda revelation. Monica: Oh, so there is gonna be a fifth date? Paul: Isn't there? Monica: Yeah... yeah, I think there is. -What were you gonna say? Paul: Well, ever-ev-... ever since she left me, um...
Rachel: Oh, look, wish me luck! Monica: What for? Rachel: I'm gonna go get one of those (Thinks) job things. (Monica exits.) [Scene: Iridium, Monica is working as Frannie enters.] Frannie: Hey, Monica! Monica: Hey Frannie, welcome back! How was Florida? Frannie: You had sex, didn't you? Monica: Ho...
The One With The Sonogram at the End The One With the Sonogram at the End Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane Transcribed by: guineapig [Scene Central Perk, everyone's there.] Monica: What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it. Joey: Yeah, right!.......Y...
Monica: Easy Rach, we'll find it. (To all) Won't we! Chandler and Joey: Oh! Yeah! Joey: Alright, when'd'ya have it on last? Phoebe: Doy! Probably right before she lost it! Chandler: You don't get a lot of 'doy' these days... Rachel: I know I had it this morning, and I know I had it when I was in the kitc...
Monica: (trying desperately to change the subject) So, Ross, what's going on with you? Any stories? (Digs her elbow into his hand.) No news, no little anecdotes to share with the folks? Ross: (pulls his hand away) Okay! Okay. (To his parents) Look, I, uh- I realise you guys have been wondering what exactly hap...
Ross: Well, uh, uh, I don't know, okay, okay, how about with the, uh, with the baby's name? Carol: Marlon- Ross: Marlon?! Carol: -if it's a boy, Minnie if it's a girl. Ross: ...As in Mouse? Carol: As in my grandmother. Ross: Still, you- you say Minnie, you hear Mouse. Um, how about, um.. how about ...
The One With The Thumb The One With the Thumb Written by: Jeffrey Astrof & Mike Sikowitz. Transcribed by: guineapig [Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe is there.] Phoebe: (entering) Hi guys! All: Hey, Pheebs! Hi! Ross: Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it go? Phoebe: Um, not so good. He walked me to the ...
Monica: We're with you. We got it. (Chandler leans over the back of the couch out of sight.) Phoebe: Okay. I'd- just- I'd never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this giant karmic debt. Rachel: Chandler, what are you doing? Monica: (puling him up) Hey. Whaddya doing? (Chandler tries to shrug noncha...
Ross: ...What shoe? Phoebe: From the nursery rhyme. 'There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...' (Dubious pause.) Ross: ...So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured. Rachel: What future boyfriends? Nono, I...
Ross: You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly. Rachel: 'Indeed there isn't'... I should really get back to work. Phoebe: Yeah, 'cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered. Rachel: Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on. (They degenerate into bickering an...
The One With George Stephanopoulos The One With George Stephanopoulos Written by: Alexa Junge Transcribed by: guineapig [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except Joey.] Monica: Alright. Phoebe? Phoebe: Okay, okay. If I were omnipotent for a day, I would want, um, world peace, no more hunger, goo...
Monica: (to Phoebe) I swear I've seen birds do this on Wild Kingdom. Rachel: What are you guys doing here? Kiki: Well, we were in the city shopping, and your mom said you work here, aaand it's true! Joanne: Look at you in the apron. You look like you're in a play. Rachel: (to a pregnant Leslie) Look a...
Chandler: What? There was ice there that night with Carol? Plastic seats? Four thousand angry Pittsburgh fans? Ross: No, actually I was just saying it looks like we're not sitting together. But now you mention it, there was ice there that night... It was the first frost... Joey: C'mon, sit. Just sit down, s...
Monica: Are you nuts?! We've got George Stephanopoulos' pizza! (Rachel pays him, Monica grabs some binoculars, and runs to the window.) Rachel: Uh, Pheebs? Who's George Snuffalopagus? Phoebe: Big Bird's friend. Monica: I see pizza! Phoebe: Oh, I wanna see! Lemme see! Lemme see! (She runs up and takes ...
The One With the East German Laundry Detergent The One With the East German Laundry Detergent Written by: Jeff Greenstein & Jeff Strauss Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein [Scene: Central Perk, all six are there.] Monica: Would you let it go? It's not that...
Joey: Fine, fine, so, why don't the four of us go out and have dinner together tonight? You know, as friends? Angela: What four of us? Joey: You know, you and Bob, and me and my girlfriend, uh, uh, Monica. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment, Joey is there, trying to convince Monica to pose as his girlfrien...
Rachel: Oh, 'scuse me. I was kinda using that machine. Woman: Yeah, well, now you're kinda not. Rachel: But I saved it. I put my basket on top. Woman: Oh, I'm sorry, is that your basket? It's really pretty. Unfortunately, I don't see suds. Rachel: What? Woman: No suds, no save. Ok? (Ross arrives.) Ross:...
Ross: All right, all right, it's just that you left a red sock in with all your whites, and now, everything's kinda pink. Rachel: Oh, everything's pink. Ross: Yeah, uh, except for the red sock, which is still red. I'm sorry, please don't be upset, it could happen to anyone. Rachel: Except it didn't. It happen...
The One With The Butt The One With the Butt Written by: Adam Chase & Ira Ungerleider Transcribed by: guineapig [Scene: A Theater, the gang is in the audience wating for a play of Joey's to start.] Rachel: (reading the program) Ooh! Look! Look! Look! Look, there's Joey's picture! This is so exciting! ...
Chandler: Alright. Once I got on the subway, right, and it was at night, and I rode it all the way to Brooklyn... just for the hell of it. Chandler: We talked 'til like two. It was this perfect evening... more or less. Aurora: ...All of a sudden we realised we were in Yammon. Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, so 'we'...
Joey: (on phone) Uh huh.. uh huh... oh my God! Okay! Okay, I'll be there! (He hangs up and to all.) That was my agent. (He tosses and catches the phone.) My agent has just gotten me a job...in the new Al Pacino movie! All: Oh my God! Whoah! Monica: Well, what's the part? Joey: Can you believe this? Al Pacino!...
The One With the Blackout The One With the Blackout Written by: Jeffrey Astrof and Mike Sikowitz. Transcribed by: Ruth Curran [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is introducing Phoebe, who is playing her guitar for the crowd.] Rachel: Everybody? Shh, shhh. Uhhh... Central Perk is proud to present the music of...
Phoebe: Oh, Rachel. Rachel: Oh come on, I already went. Monica: You did not go! All: Come on. Rachel: Oh, alright. The weirdest place would have to be... (sigh)... oh, the foot of the bed. Ross: Step back. Joey: We have a winner! [Time lapse, Ross and Rachel are talking, Joey is on the couch, and Monic...
Rachel: Hmmm... this is so nice. Ross: OK, I have a question. Well, actually, it's not so much a question as.. more of a general wondering... ment. Rachel: OK. Ross: OK. Here goes. For a while now, I've been wanting to, um.... Rachel: Ohhh!!!! (looking at something behind Ross) Ross: Yes, yes, that's right....
The One Where Nana Dies Twice The One Where Nana Dies Twice Written by: Marta Kaufmann & David Crane Transcribed by: guineapig With Help From: Rachel Stigge [Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is on a coffee break. Shelley enters.) Shelley: Hey gorgeous, how's it going? Chandler: Dehydrated Japanese...
Ross: Now she's passed. [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, Joey, and Rachel are there.] Chandler: I just have to know, okay. Is it my hair? Rachel: (exasperated) Yes, Chandler, that's exactly what it is. It's your hair. Phoebe: Yeah, you have homosexual hair. (Monica and Ross enter.) Rachel: So, um, di...
Ross: No! Nonono, wait a sec. I may have something in the back. (He finds a shoebox (out of shot), pulls it down and opens it. It is full of Sweet 'n' Lo's.) Ross: Oh my God.. Mrs. Geller: Is everything all right, dear? Ross: Yeah, just... just Nana stuff. (He reaches up higher and knocks down another shoeb...
The One Where Underdog Gets Away The One Where Underdog Gets Away Written by: Jeff Greenstein & Jeff Strauss Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is confronting her boss, Terry.] Rachel: Terry, I, I, I know that I haven't worked ...
Ross: You're not serious, I mean, you really... you really talk to it? Susan: Yeah, all the time. I want the baby to know my voice. Ross: Do you uh, do you talk about me? Susan: Yeah, yeah, all the time. Ross: Really? Susan: But um, we just refer to you as Bobo the Sperm Guy. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, ev...
Monica: That's not a question. Joey: But my mom always makes them. It's like a tradition. You get a little piece of turkey on your fork, a little cranberry sauce, and a tot! It's bad enough I can't be with my family because of my disease. Monica: All right, fine. Tonight's potatoes will be both mashed with lump...
The One With The Monkey The One With the Monkey Written by: Adam Chase & Ira Ungerleider Transcribed by: guineapig [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.] Ross: Guys? There's a somebody I'd like you to meet. (A monkey jumps on to his shoulder.) All: Oooh! Monica: W-wait. What is that? Ross...
Phoebe: Okay, we're gonna take a short break. (Goes over to their table) Joey: Hey, that guy's going home with more than a note! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Joey is decorating for Christmas.] Ross: Come here, Marcel. Sit here. (Marcel wanders off) Rachel: Pheebs, I can't believe he hasn't kisse...
Joey: Ooh ooh ooh ooh, there's no room for milk! Rachel: (Glances at Joey and then sips his coffee) There. Now there is. Ross: Okay, so on our no-date evening, three of you now have dates. Joey: Uh, four. Ross: Four. Rachel: Five. Ross: Five. (Buries his head in his hands) Rachel: Sorry. Paolo's catching ...
Joey: Wow, that's, uh, dirty. Sandy: Yeah. (They almost kiss and then Joey realises her kids are staring at them) Joey: Hey, kids... Ross: (Watching Marcel play with Phoebe. To Chandler) Look at him. I'm not saying he has to spend the whole evening with me, but at least check in. Janice: (Startles them) The...
The One With Mrs. Bing The One With Mrs. Bing Written by: Alexa Junge Transcribed by: guineapig [Scene: A Street: Monica and Phoebe are walking to a newsstand.] Phoebe: Do you think they have yesterday's daily news? Monica: Why? Phoebe: Just wanna check my horoscope, see if it was right. Monica: Oh m...
Chandler: ...And then he burst into flames. [Scene: The Hospital, it's a montage of Monica and Phoebe's visit to the hospital with My Guy playing in the background. It starts with Monica reading a newspaper to him.] Monica: Let's see. Congress is debating a new deficit reduction bill... the mayor wants to rai...
Ross: No, no I don't, because it's being restrung, somebody was supposed to bring me one. Joey: Yeah, well you didn't call and leave your grip size. Chandler: Okay, you guys spend waaaay too much time together. (Goes back inside and shuts the door) Ross: Okay, I'm scum, I'm scum. Joey: Ross, how could you l...
Rachel: Okay. (Writes a little more) I am so hot! Joey: (To Ross, on the couch) Now, here's a picture of my mother and father on their wedding day. Now you tell me she's not a knockout. Ross: I cannot believe we're having this conversation. Joey: C'mon! Just try to picture her not pregnant, that's all. Rachel...
The One With the Dozen Lasagnas The One With the Dozen Lasagnas Written by: Jeffrey Astrof, Mike Sikowitz, Adam Chase & Ira Ungerleider Transcribed by: Jim & Tracy Lambers With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there. Ross working on crossword puzzle, starts hummin...
Ross: Oh, you know the sex of the baby? Oh, oh-oh-oh! Carol: Do you want to know? Ross: No, no, no, no, no, I don't want to know, absolutely not. I think, you know, I think you should know until you look down there, and say, oop, there it is! (pauses) Or isn't... (Susan enters) Susan: Oh, hello Ross! Ross...
Phoebe: All right, you know Paolo? Ross: I'm familiar with his work, yes... Phoebe: Well, he made a move on me. (Joey and Chandler come back) Joey: Whoa, store will be open tomorrow! Chandler: More coffee over here, please! Commercial Break [Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.] Monica: Well, wh...
Phoebe: I'm so sorry! No I'm sorry! No I'm sorry! No I'm sorry! Phoebe: No, wait, oh, what are we sorry about? Rachel: I don't know...right, he's the pig! Phoebe: Such a pig! Rachel: Oh, God, he's such a pig, Phoebe: Oh he's like a... Rachel: He's like a big disgusting... Phoebe: ...like a... Rache...
The One With the Boobies The One With the Boobies Written by: Alexa Junge Transcribed by: guineapig [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler walks in and starts raiding the fridge. Then Rachel comes out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her waist, drying herself with another towel. Chandler and Rache...
Joey: You're one to talk. (Puts the mushrooms in a saucepan) Mr. Tribbiani: Joe, your dad's in love big time. And the worst part of it is, it's with two different women. Joey: Oh man. Please tell me one of 'em is Ma. Mr. Tribbiani: Of course, course one of 'em's Ma. What's the matter with you. [Scene: Monica ...
Chandler: So, who's up for a big game of Kerplunk? Ronni: Look, I uh, I shouldn'ta come. I-I'd better get going, I don't wanna miss the last train. Mr. Tribbiani: I don't want you taking that thing. Ronni: Oh, where'm I gonna stay, here? Joey: Who-ah-ho. Mr. Tribbiani: We'll go to a hotel. Ronni: (Shrugs)...
The One With the Candy Hearts The One With the Candy Hearts Written by: Bill Lawrence Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is eyeing a beautiful woman at the counter, and Joey and Chandler are egging him on to go talk to her. No pun int...
Rachel: Pheebes, this woman is voluntarily bald. Phoebe: Yeah. So, we can do it tomorrow night, you guys. It's Valentine's Day. It's perfect. Monica: Ok, well, what kind of ritual? Phoebe: Ok. We can, um, we can burn the stuff they gave us. Rachel: Or? Phoebe: Or...or we can chant and dance around naked, yo...
Ross: Nope, nope, that's it. (Carol takes off her jacket, her pregnant belly is exposed.) Ross: Oh, and she's pregnant with my baby. I always forget that part. (to Carol and Susan) Helloo! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are holding their boyfriend bonfire.] Phoebe: Ok, so now we need, um sage branche...
The One With the Stoned Guy The One With the Stoned Guy Written by: Jeff Greenstein & Jeff Strauss Transcribed by: Ruth Curran [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving Joey, Ross, and Monica their drinks.] Rachel: (to Joey) Coffee. (Hands it to him.) Joey: Thank you. Rachel: (to Ross) Cappuccino. (Hand...
Rachel: What are you going to make? Phoebe: (as though Rachel wasn't paying attention) Yummy noises. Rachel: (pause) And Monica, what are you going to make? Monica: I don't know. I don't know. It's just going to be so great! Phoebe: Ooh! I know what you could make! (runs over to join Monica and Rachel in the ...
Joey: (in disbelief) Vulva? Ross: Alright, I panicked, alright? She took me by surprise. You know, but it wasn't a total loss. I mean, we ended up cuddling. Joey: (sarcastic) Whoaa!! You cuddled? How many times?? Ross: Shut up! It was nice. I just... I don't think I'm the dirty-talking kind of guy, you know? ...
Rachel: No. Monica: Twelve dollars an hour. Rachel: Mon. I wish I could, but I've made plans to walk around. Monica: You know, Rachel, when you ran out of your wedding, I was there for you. I put a roof over your head, and if that means nothing to you... (Rachel isn't buying it, desperate) twenty dollars an h...
The One With Two Parts, part 1 The One With Two Parts, part 1 Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly With Minot Adjustments by: Tennant Stuart [Scene: Rift's Restaurant, as seen in Mad About You, Joey and Chandler are there.] Chandler: This is unbelievable. It's been l...
Ross: Susan is Carol's, Carol's, Carol's, friend... Carol: Life partner. Ross: Like buddies. Susan: Like lovers. Ross: You know how close women can get. (The teacher smiles, but her eyebrows go up. Susan and Carol pat each other affectionately.) Carol: Susan and I live together. Ross: Although I was mar...
Ross: No... No... No. I think I should stay, I think we should both know what's going on. Susan: Oh, good. This'll be fun. Teacher: Alrighty. We're gonna start with some basic third stage breathing exercises, so Mummies, why don't you get on your back? And... coaches, you should be supporting Mummy's head. ...
Joey: Hey. Rachel and Chandler: Hey. (There is a loud knocking at the door through which Joey has just entered.) Chandler: You know, once you're inside, you don't have to knock any more. Monica: I'll get it. (She rises, dragging Chandler along by the wool. Rachel has to leap over a chair to follow them. Mon...
Ross: I'm gonna be a father. Rachel: This is just occurring to you? Ross: I always knew I was havin' a baby, I just never realised the baby was having me. Rachel: (She comforts him too) Oh, you're gonna be great! Ross: Aw, how can you say that? I can't even get Marcel to stop eating the bath mat. How am I g...
The One With Two Parts, Part 2 The One With Two Parts, Part 2 Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly With Minor Adjustments by: Tennant Stuart Opening Credits [Scene: An Emergency Room, Rachel and Monica enter. Rachel is limping and leaning on Monica for support.] R...
Chandler: Man, if you tried something like that on my birthday, you'd be starin' at the business end of a hissy fit. (Joey gestures to show that he wouldn't dare...) [Scene: The Hospital, Monica and Rachel are waiting for the doctors to arrive. They enter and are played by Noah Wyle and George Clooney.] Dr. ...
Ross: No, we can go to Williamsburg. Mr. Geller: Eat your fish. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is just getting off of the intercom and turns off the TV which is still in the SAP mode.] Monica: Rachel, the cute doctors are here. Rachel: (entering from her room) Okay, coming! (Monica opens the door for D...
Rachel: Would you excuse me for a second? Monica: (as Rachel) Remember back in freshman year? (Talking fast before Rachel can catch her) Well, Billy Dreskin and I had sex on your bed. (Completely undone by Monica's verbal destruction, Rachel almost loses her balance as she staggers backwards, eyes agog, gasping...
Phoebe: Does he know? Ursula: Who? Phoebe: Joey. You know, um, he's really nutsy about you. Ursula: He is? Why? Phoebe: You got me. Ursula: Right. (A waiter comes over for the stolen chicken. Ursula turns to him.) Ursula: Excuse me. Doesn't this come with a side salad? (The man gives up, shaking his hea...
The One With All The Poker The One With All The Poker Written by: Jeffrey Astrof and Mike Sikowitz. . Transcribed by: Dan Silverstein (The whole gang is helping Rachel mail out resumes while whistling the theme from The Bridge on the River Kwai.) Ross: Uh, Rach, we're running low on resumes over here. ...
Chandler: (changing subject) OK, so at this point, the dealer... Monica: Alright, you know, we got it, we got it. Let's play for real. High stakes... big bucks... Ross: Alright, now, you sure? Phoebe just threw away two jacks because they didn't look happy... Phoebe: But... I'm ready, so, just deal. Chandle...
Ross: I'm gonna pay for that tonight. (Knock on door. Ross opens it. Rachel enters.) Rachel: Hi! Ross: Hey. Rachel: Guys! Guess what, guess what, guess what, guess what! Chandler: Um, ok... the... the fifth dentist caved and now they're all recommending Trident? Rachel: Noooo... the interview! She loved m...
Phoebe: Monica, in or out? Monica: (slams down cards) I hate this game! (Joey slides a plate away from Monica towards Chandler, who hides it under the table.) Phoebe: OK Joey, your bet. Joey: Ahhh, I fold like a cheap hooker who got hit in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face. (the girls look at h...
The One Where the Monkey Gets Away The One Where the Monkey Gets Away Written by: Jeffrey Astrof & Mike Sikowitz Transcribed by: guineapig (Transcriber's Note: The credits list two characters, Tia and Samantha, who I assume are the sweaty women Joey and Chandler meet. However, I don't know which is which...
Rachel: Now, now the one in the feather boa, that's Dr. Francis. Now, she used to be a man. Okay, now look, see, there's Raven. We hate her. We're glad she's dying. Okay- (Marcel pushes down a cushion to reveal a shoe) Wh- wh- Marcel, are you playing with Monica's shoes? You know you're not supposed to pl- whoah....
Rachel: (Tearfully) Ross, I'm doing everything that I can, I've got everybody looking for him, and I- (Door buzzer goes and she runs to get it) Oh! Who is it? Intercom: Animal Control. Rachel: See? I've even called Animal Control! Ross: You called Animal Control? Rachel: Uh-huh... why... do you not like them?...
Phoebe: Oh, it's okay, it was just my left leg. (Marcel makes a monkeyish noise. He is sitting in the corner) Monica: Look, Phoebe! Phoebe: Yeah! Oh, c'mere, Marcel! Oh, Marcel, c'mere! (Luisa appears on the stairs) Luisa: Step aside, ladies! (She loads a gun) Monica: What're you gonna do? Luisa: Just a s...
The One With the Evil Orthodontist The One With the Evil Orthodontist Written by: Doty Abrams Transcribed by: guineapig [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there.] Chandler: I can't believe you would actually say that. I would much rather be Mr.Peanut than Mr.Salty. Joey: No way! Mr.Salty is a sai...
Monica: (looking out the window) Look look! He's doing it again, the guy with the telescope! Phoebe: Oh my God! (Walks to the window) Go away! (Gesturing.) Stop looking in here! Monica: Great, now he's waving back. Joey: Man, we gotta do something about that guy. This morning, I caught him looking into our ...
Chandler: So how's Mindy? Rachel: Oh, she wants to see me tomorrow...Oh, she sounded really weird, I gotta call Barry... (Does so, on phone) Hi, it's me, I just.. Mindy!! Mindy! Hi! No, I figured that's where you'd be! Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning. Chandler is sitting and sta...
Monica: Just like you told her you did! (Chandler glares at her.) ... Just pointing out the irony. Joey: Hey, so listen, I went across the street and talked to the doorman- I got the peeper's name! Can I use the phone? Chandler: Nngghhh!!!!!!! Joey: (to Monica) Can I use your phone? (On phone) Yeah, the numbe...
The One With The Fake Monica The One With The Fake Monica Written by: Adam Chase and Ira Ungerleider Transcribed by guineapig [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is looking at papers.] Joey: How could someone get a hold of your credit card number? Monica: I have no idea. But look how much they spent! ...
Rachel: She could be you. (Music starts) Teacher: Let's get started. Five, six, a-five six seven eight... (Everyone starts to dance in unison. Monica flounders) Monica: Okay, I'm not getting this! Phoebe: (Dancing in a swirly, Phoebe kind of way) I'm totally getting it! Monica: Did you ever feel like someti...
Monica: Well, that's just probably 'cause of your Amish background. Monica: What? Fake Monica: Well, you're Pennsylvania Dutch, right? Monica: Right. Till I bought a blow dryer, then I was shunned. Fake Monica: I-I used to be just like you. And then one day I saw a movie that changed my life. Did you ever see...
The One With The Ick Factor The One With the Ick Factor Written by: Alexa Junge Transcribed by: Mikael Hedberg (Scene: Central Perk. Everyone is there.) Monica: Tell him. Rachel: No. Phoebe: Tell him, tell him. Monica: Just...please tell him. Rachel: Shut up! Chandler: Tell me what? Monica: Lo...
Rachel: Just a touch. Mon, I don't understand. I mean, you've been dating this guy since like, what... his midterms? I mean, why all the sudden are you so... Oh. Monica: What? Rachel: Could tonight be the Night? Monica: I don't know. Look he's a great guy and I love being with him but... you know. Things happ...
Monica: Um, okay, here it goes. I'm not 22. I'm, I'm 25... and thirteen months. Young Ethan: Huh! Monica: But I figured, you know, that shouldn't change anything. I mean, what the hell does it matter how old we are. (They kiss) Young Ethan: Uh, listen um, as long as we're telling stuff, uh, I have another ...
Phoebe: Well, you know what Chandler? I think you've gotta face it. You're like, the guy in the big office, you know. You're the one that hires them, that fires them... They still say you're a great boss. Chandler: They do? Phoebe: Uh huh. But they're not your friends anymore. Chandler: I just wan't to... P...
The One With the Birth The One With the Birth Story by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman Teleplay by: Jeff Greenstein & Jeff Strauss Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein [Scene: The hospital, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are in the waiting room, wa...
Phoebe: (singing) They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch, and soon they'll grow up and resent you so much. Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why, you cry and you cry and you cry. And you cry and you cry and you cry... (Ross gives Phoebe a dollar.) Phoebe: Thanks, Ros...
Joey: Ew! What is that? Something exploded! Nurse: It's just her water breaking. Calm down, will you? Joey: (panicked) Water breaking, what do you mean? What's that, water breaking? Nurse: (to Joey) Breathe, breathe, breathe. [Scene: The Hall, Ross and Susan are arguing.] Ross: Please. This is so your fault. ...
Ross: Come on, come on. Damnit, damnit, damnit, damnit. (to Susan) This is all your fault. This is supposed to be, like, the greatest day of my life, y'know? My son is being born, and I should be in there, you know, instead of stuck in a closet with you. Susan: The woman I love is having a baby today. I've been w...
The One Where Rachel Finds Out The One Where Rachel Finds Out Written by: Chris Brown Transcribed by: Dan Silverstein [Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there, Ross is showing pictures of his new baby boy, Ben, to the group.] Ross: And here's little Ben nodding off... Monica: Awww, look at Aunt Mo...
Ross: OK, I'm gonna go say goodbye to the guys. Phoebe: Oh, hey, y'know what? Tell them that bone story. (Ross goes outisde on the balcony.) Ross: Hi. Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Ross: (sigh)....I have to go to China. Joey: The country? Ross: No no, this big pile of dishes in my mom's breakfront. Do you g...
Joey: Well, given that he's desperately in love with you, he probably wouldn't mind getting a cup of coffee or something. Rachel: Ross? All this time? Well, I've got to talk to him. (gets up to leave) Chandler: (quickly) H-He's in China! Joey: The country. Monica: No, no, wait. (checks Ross's itinerary) His f...
Monica: Another good point. Phoebe: No, I mean, I mean, when you're at the fifteenth date, y'know, you're already in a very relationshippy place. Y'know, it's... you're committed. Rachel: (confused) Huh? Phoebe: Well, I mean, then what happens if it doesn't work out? Monica: Why isn't it working out? Rachel...
The One With Ross' New Girlfriend The One With Ross' New Girlfriend Written by: Jeff Astroff & Mike Sikowitz Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is recapping last season, and as she talks we see a montague of scenes from Ross and R...
Rachel: Yeah, sure. Ross: Thank you. Chandler: Hey, Rach, can I get... Rachel: Did you talk to him? Chandler: Not yet. Rachel: Then, no. (He goes to sit down next to Ross.) Chandler: So what the hell happened to you in China? I mean, when last we left you, you were totally in love with, you know. Ross...
Rachel: Ok, Paulo, why don't you just go get dressed, and then you be on your way, ok, bye-bye. (Paulo goes into his room.) Monica: Rachel, how did this happen? Rachel: I don't know, I just kinda ran into him last night. Phoebe: Where? Rachel: At his apartment. Is this juice? Joey: Whoa, whoa. And the fact ...
The One With the Breast Milk The One With the Breast Milk Written by: Adam Chase & Ira Ungerleider Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are showing off Ben to the gang.] Monica: (entering from her bedroom carrying a pr...
Phoebe: I went shopping with Monica all day, and I had a salad. Rachel: Good, Pheebs. What'd you buy? Phoebe: Um, we went shopping for um, for, fur. Rachel: You went shopping for fur? Phoebe: Yes, and then I realized I'm against that, and uh, so then we bought some, (sees Monica pointing at her chest) uh, boo...
Monica: (on the phone) Hi, who's this? (Listens) Hi, Joanne. Is Rachel working? It's Monica. (Listens) Yes, I know I did a horrible thing. (Listens) Joanne, it's not as simple as all that, ok? (Listens) No, I don't care what Steve thinks. (Listens) Hi, Steve. (There's a knock on the door which is answered by Phoe...
The One Where Mr. Heckles Dies The One Where Mr. Heckles Dies Written by: Michael Curtis & Greg Malins Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Chandler is playing poker.] Chandler: (entering) Hey. All: Hey! Monica:...
Monica: Well, what about his family? Mr. Boyle: He didn't have any. Rachel: Ok, so let's talk money. Mr. Boyle: All right, there was none. Let's talk signing. (To Monica) You be noisy girl number one, (To Rachel) you be noisy girl number two. Monica: I can't believe that this whole time we thought he hated us...