transcript/TED_8S0FDjFBj8o.txt

[0.000 --> 22.200]  Here that?
[22.200 --> 25.000]  That's nothing.
[25.000 --> 30.400]  Which is what I, as a speaker at today's conference, have for you all.
[30.400 --> 32.400]  I have nothing.
[32.400 --> 33.400]  Nada.
[33.400 --> 34.400]  Zip.
[34.400 --> 35.400]  Zilch.
[35.400 --> 36.400]  Zippo.
[36.400 --> 39.500]  Nothing smart.
[39.500 --> 40.700]  Nothing inspirational.
[40.700 --> 43.720]  Nothing even remotely researched at all.
[43.720 --> 47.400]  I have absolutely nothing to say whatsoever.
[47.400 --> 53.400]  And yet through my manner of speaking, I will make it seem like I do.
[53.400 --> 56.100]  Like what I am saying is brilliant.
[56.100 --> 63.000]  And maybe, just maybe, you will feel like you've learned something.
[63.000 --> 65.300]  Now I'm going to get started with the opening.
[65.300 --> 67.100]  I'm going to make a lot of hand gestures.
[67.100 --> 68.400]  I'm going to do this with my right hand.
[68.400 --> 69.600]  I'm going to do this with my left.
[69.600 --> 72.100]  I'm going to adjust my glasses.
[72.100 --> 73.800]  And then I'm going to ask you all a question.
[73.800 --> 78.800]  By show of hands, how many of you all have been asked a question before?
[78.800 --> 79.800]  Okay, great.
[79.800 --> 80.800]  I'm seeing some hands.
[80.800 --> 83.600]  I'm seeing some hands.
[83.600 --> 88.400]  Now I'm going to react to that and act like I'm telling you a personal anecdote.
[88.400 --> 90.400]  Something to break the tension.
[90.400 --> 93.000]  Something to endure myself a little bit.
[93.000 --> 98.600]  Something kind of embarrassing.
[98.600 --> 101.800]  And you guys are going to make an all-sound.
[101.800 --> 102.800]  It's true.
[102.800 --> 105.600]  It really happened.
[105.600 --> 107.800]  And now I'm going to bring it to a broader point.
[107.800 --> 110.400]  I'm going to really back in.
[110.400 --> 112.600]  I'm going to make it intellectual.
[112.600 --> 115.300]  I'm going to bring it to this man right here.
[115.300 --> 118.400]  Now, what this man did was important.
[118.400 --> 121.600]  I'm sure.
[121.600 --> 124.600]  But I for one have no idea who he is.
[124.600 --> 128.400]  I simply Google image the word, scientist.
[128.400 --> 131.700]  And now you see, I'd like it to seem like I'm making points.
[131.700 --> 135.500]  Building an argument, inspiring you to change your life.
[135.500 --> 141.100]  When in reality, this is just me buying time.
[141.100 --> 144.000]  Now, if you don't believe me, let's take a look at the numbers.
[144.000 --> 146.900]  This is a real thing that's happening right now.
[146.900 --> 150.700]  The number of talks that I'm giving is one.
[150.700 --> 151.400]  Interesting facts.
[151.400 --> 155.000]  And part of thus far, instead of talk, well, that's going to be a zero.
[155.000 --> 159.600]  My height in inches is 70.5, note the point five there.
[159.600 --> 161.200]  Two times six equals 12.
[161.200 --> 164.000]  And then interestingly enough, six times two also equals 12.
[164.000 --> 166.800]  That's math.
[166.800 --> 170.100]  352 is a three-digit number.
[170.100 --> 171.400]  One, two, three, four, five.
[171.400 --> 176.700]  And then almost immediately following that, we get 678910.
[176.700 --> 180.300]  Now to add more filler here, I'm going to give you a couple more numbers to consider.
[180.300 --> 193.900]  18, 237, 5,601, 2.6 million, 4, 4, 24, staggering.
[194.900 --> 198.200]  These are real numbers, all of them.
[198.200 --> 200.300]  And to follow that up, let's take a look at some graphs.
[200.300 --> 206.400]  Now, if you take a look at this pie chart, what you're going to see is that the majority far exceeds the minority.
[206.400 --> 208.400]  Everybody see that?
[208.400 --> 209.800]  Cool, isn't it?
[209.800 --> 214.200]  And let's take a look at this bar graph because it shows similarly irrelevant data.
[214.200 --> 219.200]  Now, I'm doing this because I'd like to make it seem like I've done my homework.
[219.200 --> 222.700]  If you were watching this on YouTube with the sound off, you might think,
[222.700 --> 227.100]  huh, okay, this guy knows what he's talking about.
[227.100 --> 228.900]  But I don't.
[228.900 --> 231.600]  I'm floundering, panicking, I've got nothing.
[231.600 --> 233.600]  I'm a total and utter phony.
[233.600 --> 235.200]  But you know what?
[235.200 --> 236.900]  I was offered a TED talk.
[236.900 --> 239.200]  And damn it, I'm going to see it through.
[241.700 --> 248.400]  Now, if you take a look behind me, these are just words paired with vaguely thought provoking stock photos.
[248.500 --> 252.400]  I'm going to point at them like I'm making use both of my time as well as your time.
[252.400 --> 255.600]  But in reality, I don't know what half of the mean.
[255.600 --> 259.000]  And now, as these continue, I'm just going to start saying gibberish.
[259.000 --> 267.200]  Wagawa, gaba gaba, turkey, mouth and mouth, chip, trip, my dog's skip.
[267.200 --> 269.400]  Rip it and dip it, Richard.
[269.400 --> 273.400]  I'm an itty bitty baby, bopper, and I'm hungry in my tum tum.
[273.400 --> 276.100]  Brad Pitt, Uma Thurman.
[276.200 --> 279.900]  Names, things, words, words, and more things.
[279.900 --> 283.600]  And see, it feels like it might make sense, doesn't it?
[283.600 --> 287.200]  Like maybe, just maybe, I'm building to some sort of satisfying conclusion.
[287.200 --> 289.400]  I mean, I'm just stipulating as though I am.
[289.400 --> 293.900]  I'm pacing, I'm growing in intensity, I'm taking off my glasses, which by the way are just frames.
[299.200 --> 305.700]  I wore them to look smart, even though my vision is perfect.
[307.100 --> 309.900]  And now I'm going to slow things down a little bit.
[309.900 --> 312.900]  I'm going to change the tone.
[312.900 --> 317.900]  I'm going to make it seem like I'm building to a moment.
[320.400 --> 322.400]  And what if I was?
[324.400 --> 326.500]  Amazing, isn't it? What can you do?
[326.500 --> 328.500]  Life's a roller coaster.
[332.500 --> 335.700]  You know, if there's one thing you take away from my talk,
[335.700 --> 338.500]  I'd like you to think about what you heard at the beginning.
[338.500 --> 341.500]  And I'd like you to think about what you hear now.
[342.500 --> 345.500]  Because it was nothing, and it's still nothing.
[345.500 --> 347.500]  Think about that.
[347.500 --> 349.500]  Or don't, that's fine.
[349.500 --> 352.300]  And now I'm going to stop talking.
[352.300 --> 353.300]  Thank you.